1This fortune brought to you by: 2 The DragonFly BSD Project 3% 4======================================================================= 5|| || 6|| The FORTUNE-COOKIE program is soon to be a Major Motion Picture! || 7|| Watch for it at a theater near you next summer! || 8|| || 9======================================================================= 10 Francis Ford Coppola presents a George Lucas Production: 11 "Fortune Cookie" 12 Directed by Steven Spielberg. 13 Starring Harrison Ford Bette Midler Marlon Brando 14 Christopher Reeves Marilyn Chambers 15 and Bob Hope as "The Waiter". 16 Costumes Designed by Pierre Cardin. 17 Special Effects by Timothy Leary. 18 Read the Warner paperback! 19 Invoke the Unix program! 20 Soundtrack on XTC Records. 21 In 70mm and Dolby Stereo at selected theaters and terminal 22 centers. 23% 24 PLAYGIRL, Inc. 25 Philadelphia, Pa. 19369 26Dear Sir: 27 Your name has been submitted to us with your photo. I regret to 28inform you that we will be unable to use your body in our centerfold. On 29a scale of one to ten, your body was rated a minus two by a panel of women 30ranging in age from 60 to 75 years. We tried to assemble a panel in the 31age bracket of 25 to 35 years, but we could not get them to stop laughing 32long enough to reach a decision. Should the taste of the American woman 33ever change so drastically that bodies such as yours would be appropriate 34in our magazine, you will be notified by this office. Please, don't call 35us. 36 Sympathetically, 37 Amanda L. Smith 38 39p.s. We also want to commend you for your unusual pose. Were you 40 wounded in the war, or do you ride your bike a lot? 41% 42 _-^--^=-_ 43 _.-^^ -~_ 44 _-- --_ 45 < >) 46 | | 47 \._ _./ 48 ```--. . , ; .--''' 49 | | | 50 .-=|| | |=-. 51 `-=#$%&%$#=-' 52 | ; :| 53 _____.,-#%&$@%#&#~,._____ 54% 55 ( /\__________/\ ) 56 \(^ @___..___@ ^)/ 57 /\ (\/\/\/\/) /\ 58 / \(/\/\/\/\)/ \ 59 -( """""""""" ) 60 \ _____ / 61 ( /( )\ ) 62 _) (_V) (V_) (_ 63 (V)(V)(V) (V)(V)(V) 64 65% 66 ___====-_ _-====___ 67 _--~~~#####// ' ` \\#####~~~--_ 68 -~##########// ( ) \\##########~-_ 69 -############// |\^^/| \\############- 70 _~############// (O||O) \\############~_ 71 ~#############(( \\// ))#############~ 72 -###############\\ (oo) //###############- 73 -#################\\ / `' \ //#################- 74 -###################\\/ () \//###################- 75 _#/|##########/\######( (()) )######/\##########|\#_ 76 |/ |#/\#/\#/\/ \#/\##| \()/ |##/\#/ \/\#/\#/\#| \| 77 ` |/ V V ` V )|| |()| ||( V ' V /\ \| ' 78 ` ` ` ` / | |()| | \ ' '<||> ' 79 ( | |()| | )\ /|/ 80 __\ |__|()|__| /__\______/|/ 81 (vvv(vvvv)(vvvv)vvv)______|/ 82% 83 84_/I\_____________o______________o___/I\ l * / /_/ * __ ' .* l 85I"""_____________l______________l___"""I\ l *// _l__l_ . *. l 86 [__][__][(******)__][__](******)[__][] \l l-\ ---//---*----(oo)----------l 87 [][__][__(******)][__][_(******)_][__] l l \\ // ____ >-( )-< / l 88 [__][__][_l l[__][__][l l][__][] l l \\)) ._****_.(......) .@@@:::l 89 [][__][__]l .l_][__][__] .l__][__] l l ll _(o_o)_ (@*_*@ l 90 [__][__][/ <_)[__][__]/ <_)][__][] l l ll ( / \ ) / / / ) l 91 [][__][ /..,/][__][__][/..,/_][__][__] l l / \\ _\ \_ / _\_\ l 92 [__][__(__/][__][__][_(__/_][__][__][] l l______________________________l 93 [__][__]] l , , . [__][__][] l 94 [][__][_] l . i. '/ , [][__][__] l /\**/\ season's 95 [__][__]] l O .\ / /, O [__][__][] l ( o_o )_) greetings 96_[][__][_] l__l======='=l____[][__][__] l_______,(u u ,),__________________ 97 [__][__]]/ /l\-------/l\ [__][__][]/ {}{}{}{}{}{}<R> 98 99In Ellen's house it is warm and toasty while fuzzies play in the snow outside. 100% 101 102SANTA IS BRINGING GOOD WISHES FROM ALL THE 103MICRO ARTISTS GANG! MAY 1988 BE A HAPPY YEAR! 104 105 106 \__\_ :. ___/ 107 ..\ /-- 108 :.______ : .:* : . _ .: :.. . : . . : ()_ .: 109 (( \. :./(__ :._O_)________:______,____:____/ *\_o 110====(( \: (****) (***) :. ...: .. . ()_______/\\ __-' 111 \____(( \ ()oo()_/ /.: : ..________/_____ll -/.: .. 112 ( (( \(())))__/ . .. \\.: ..( ) ll ( l_.: 113( / (( \__*__)___:___ : : )) .) /--------\ \ \ 114( / ((_____________) .. // . / / /..:: . )_)_\ 115 (____/_____________________\__// : /_/_/ :.. :/_/ \_\ 116 /_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/ /_/_/ 117 118 119% 120% 121 FROM THE DESK OF 122 Dorothy Gale 123 124 Auntie Em: 125 Hate you. 126 Hate Kansas. 127 Taking the dog. 128 Dorothy 129% 130 FROM THE DESK OF 131 Rapunzel 132 133Dear Prince: 134 135 Use ladder tonight -- 136 you're splitting my ends. 137% 138 SEMINAR ANNOUNCEMENT 139 140Title: Are Frogs Turing Compatible? 141Speaker: Don "The Lion" Knuth 142 143 ABSTRACT 144 Several researchers at the University of Louisiana have been studying 145the computing power of various amphibians, frogs in particular. The problem 146of frog computability has become a critical issue that ranges across all areas 147of computer science. It has been shown that anything computable by an amphi- 148bian community in a fixed-size pond is computable by a frog in the same-size 149pond -- that is to say, frogs are Pond-space complete. We will show that 150there is a log-space, polywog-time reduction from any Turing machine program 151to a frog. We will suggest these represent a proper subset of frog-computable 152functions. 153 This is not just a let's-see-how-far-those-frogs-can-jump seminar. 154This is only for hardcore amphibian-computation people and their colleagues. 155 Refreshments will be served. Music will be played. 156% 157 UNIX Trix 158 159For those of you in the reseller business, here is a helpful tip that will 160save your support staff a few hours of precious time. Before you send your 161next machine out to an untrained client, change the permissions on /etc/passwd 162to 666 and make sure there is a copy somewhere on the disk. Now when they 163forget the root password, you can easily login as an ordinary user and correct 164the damage. Having a bootable tape (for larger machines) is not a bad idea 165either. If you need some help, give us a call. 166 167 -- CommUNIXque 1:1, ASCAR Business Systems 168% 169 1/2 170 12 + 144 + 20 + 3*4 2 171 ---------------------- + 5 * 11 = 9 + 0 172 7 173 174A dozen, a gross and a score, 175Plus three times the square root of four, 176 Divided by seven, 177 Plus five times eleven, 178Equals nine squared plus zero, no more! 179% 180 -- Gifts for Children -- 181 182This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children, 183because they will tell you exactly what they want. They spend months 184and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday- 185morning cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children 186exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If 187your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You 188Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it. You may be worried that it 189might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe 190me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child 191who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift. 192 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 193% 194 -- Gifts for Men -- 195 196Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional 197ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you 198should never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the 199clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For 200example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only 201three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error, 202that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh 203at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?"). 204So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several 205years without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will 206pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you. 207 208If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More 209than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set 210of tires. 211 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 212% 213 Chapter 1 214 215The story so far: 216 217 In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot 218of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. 219 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe" 220% 221 DELETE A FORTUNE! 222 223Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?! Wouldn't you like 224to see some of them deleted from the system? You can! Just mail to 225"fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it 226gets expunged. 227% 228 Get GUMMed 229 --- ------ 230The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April 2311, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above 232the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep 233each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered 234chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek 235nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od. Three 236days will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo. Two 237seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user- 238friendly features of Unix. Seminars include "Everything You Know is 239Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis 240"cc C? Si! Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You 241Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats. No Reader Service No. is necessary because 242all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we 243could tell them. 244 -- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June '84 245% 246 Has your family tried 'em? 247 248 POWDERMILK BISCUITS 249 250 Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious! 251 252 They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons 253 the strength to get up and do what needs to be done. 254 255 POWDERMILK BISCUITS 256 257 Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of 258 the biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark 259 stains that indicate freshness. 260% 261 It's grad exam time... 262COMPUTER SCIENCE 263 Inside your desk you'll find a listing of the DEC/VMS operating 264system in IBM 1710 machine code. Show what changes are necessary to convert 265this code into a UNIX Berkeley 7 operating system. Prove that these fixes are 266bug free and run correctly. You should gain at least 150% efficiency in the 267new system. (You should take no more than 10 minutes on this question.) 268 269MATHEMATICS 270 If X equals PI times R^2, construct a formula showing how long 271it would take a fire ant to drill a hole through a dill pickle, if the 272length-girth ratio of the ant to the pickle were 98.17:1. 273 274GENERAL KNOWLEDGE 275Describe the Universe. Give three examples. 276% 277 It's grad exam time... 278MEDICINE 279 You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a 280bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has 281been inspected. (You have 15 minutes.) 282 283HISTORY 284 Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present 285day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, 286economic, religious and philosophical impact upon Europe, Asia, America, and 287Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific. 288 289BIOLOGY 290 Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture 291if this form of life had been created 500 million years ago or earlier, with 292special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system. 293% 294 Pittsburgh driver's test 29510: Potholes are 296 a) extremely dangerous. 297 b) patriotic. 298 c) the fault of the previous administration. 299 d) all going to be fixed next summer. 300The correct answer is b. 301Potholes destroy unpatriotic, unamerican, imported cars, since the holes 302are larger than the cars. If you drive a big, patriotic, American car 303you have nothing to worry about. 304% 305 Pittsburgh driver's test 3062: A traffic light at an intersection changes from yellow to red, you should 307 a) stop immediately. 308 b) proceed slowly through the intersection. 309 c) blow the horn. 310 d) floor it. 311The correct answer is d. 312If you said c, you were almost right, so give yourself a half point. 313% 314 Pittsburgh driver's test 3153: When stopped at an intersection you should 316 a) watch the traffic light for your lane. 317 b) watch for pedestrians crossing the street. 318 c) blow the horn. 319 d) watch the traffic light for the intersecting street. 320The correct answer is d. 321You need to start as soon as the traffic light for the intersecting 322street turns yellow. 323Answer c is worth a half point. 324% 325 Pittsburgh driver's test 3264: Exhaust gas is 327 a) beneficial. 328 b) not harmful. 329 c) toxic. 330 d) a punk band. 331The correct answer is b. 332The meddling Washington eco-freak communist bureaucrats who say otherwise 333are liars. (Message to those who answered d. Go back to California where 334you came from. Your kind are not welcome here.) 335% 336 Pittsburgh driver's test 3375: Your car's horn is a vital piece of safety equipment. 338 How often should you test it? 339 a) once a year. 340 b) once a month. 341 c) once a day. 342 d) once an hour. 343The correct answer is d. 344You should test your car's horn at least once every hour, 345and more often at night or in residential neighborhoods. 346% 347 Pittsburgh driver's test 3487: The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light 349 but a steady left tail light. This means 350 a) One of the tail lights is broken. You should blow your 351 horn to call the problem to the driver's attention. 352 b) The driver is signaling a right turn. 353 c) The driver is signaling a left turn. 354 d) The driver is from out of town. 355The correct answer is d. 356Tail lights are used in some foreign countries to signal turns. 357% 358 Pittsburgh driver's test 3598: Pedestrians are 360 a) irrelevant. 361 b) communists. 362 c) a nuisance. 363 d) difficult to clean off the front grille. 364The correct answer is a. Pedestrians are not in cars, so they 365are totally irrelevant to driving, and you should ignore them 366completely. 367% 368 Pittsburgh driver's test 3699: Roads are salted in order to 370 a) kill grass. 371 b) melt snow. 372 c) help the economy. 373 d) prevent potholes. 374The correct answer is c. 375Road salting employs thousands of persons directly, and millions more 376indirectly, for example, salt miners and rustproofers. Most important, 377salting reduces the life spans of cars, thus stimulating the car and 378steel industries. 379% 380 THE STORY OF CREATION 381 or 382 THE MYTH OF URK 383 384In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null, 385and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM 386was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there be 387registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they carried; 388and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called the data 389Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was evening 390and there was morning, one interrupt ... 391 -- Rico Tudor 392% 393 JACK AND THE BEANSTACK 394 by Mark Isaak 395 396 Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL 397character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their 398hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices 399are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some 400BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it 401to him. 402 So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path, 403he met the traveling salesman. 404 "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman 405in high-level language. 406 "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips 407and Apples," commented Jack. 408 "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue 409there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now." 410 Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when 411he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she 412started thrashing. 413 "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these 414kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the 415window ... 416% 417 Answers to Last Fortune's Questions: 418 419(1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark). 420(2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle. 421(3) I don't know. 422(4) Who cares? 423(5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk, 424 Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5. 425(6) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my 426 book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and 427 bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of 428 Papyrus Books). 429% 430 DETERIORATA 431 432Go placidly amid the noise and waste, 433And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof. 434Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep. 435Rotate your tires. 436Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself, 437And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys. 438Know what to kiss -- and when. 439Remember that two wrongs never make a right, 440But that three do. 441Wherever possible, put people on "HOLD". 442Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment, 443And despite the changing fortunes of time, 444There is always a big future in computer maintenance. 445 446 You are a fluke of the universe ... 447 You have no right to be here. 448 Whether you can hear it or not, the universe 449 Is laughing behind your back. 450 -- National Lampoon 451% 452 Double Bucky 453 (Sung to the tune of "Rubber Duckie") 454 455Double bucky, you're the one! 456You make my keyboard lots of fun 457 Double bucky, an additional bit or two: 458(Vo-vo-de-o!) 459Control and Meta side by side, 460Augmented ASCII, nine bits wide! 461 Double bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few! 462 463Oh, I sure wish that I, 464Had a couple of bits more! 465Perhaps a set of pedals to make the number of bits four. 466 467Double bucky, left and right 468OR'd together, outta sight! 469 Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of 470 Double bucky, I'm happy I heard of 471 Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of you! 472 -- Guy L. Steele, Jr., (C) 1978 473 (to Nicholas Wirth, who suggested that an extra bit 474 be added to terminal codes on 36-bit machines for use 475 by screen editors.) 476% 477 Hard Copies and Chmod 478 479And everyone thinks computers are impersonal 480cold diskdrives hardware monitors 481user-hostile software 482 483of course they're only bits and bytes 484and characters and strings 485and files 486 487just some old textfiles from my old boyfriend 488telling me he loves me and 489he'll take care of me 490 491simply a discarded printout of a friend's directory 492deep intimate secrets and 493how he doesn't trust me 494 495couldn't hurt me more if they were scented in lavender or mould 496on personal stationery 497 -- terri@csd4.milw.wisc.edu 498% 499 `O' LEVEL COUNTER CULTURE 500Timewarp allowed: 3 hours. Do not scrawl situationalist graffiti in the 501margins or stub your rollups in the inkwells. Orange may be worn. Credit 502will be given to candidates who self-actualize. 503 504 1: Compare and contrast Pink Floyd with Black Sabbath and say why 505neither has street credibility. 506 2: "Even Buddha would have been hard pushed to reach Nirvana squatting 507on a juggernaut route." Consider the dialectic of inner truth and inner 508city. 509 3: Discuss degree of hassle involved in paranoia about being sucked 510into a black hole. 511 4: "The Egomaniac's Liberation Front were a bunch of revisionist 512ripoff merchants." Comment on this insult. 513 5: Account for the lack of references to brown rice in Dylan's lyrics. 514 6: "Castenada was a bit of a bozo." How far is this a fair summing 515up of western dualism? 516 7: Hermann Hesse was a Pisces. Discuss. 517% 518 OUTCONERR 519Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes 520 Did logzerneg the ifthen block 521All kludgy were the function flows 522 And subroutines adhoc. 523 524Beware the runtime-bug my friend 525 squrooneg, the false goto 526Beware the infiniteloop 527 And shun the inprectoo. 528% 529 Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence 5301. Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a 531 nuclear bomb, use the stairs. 5322. When you're flying through the air, remember to roll 533 when you hit the ground. 5343. If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials. 5354. Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead 536 to psychological problems. 5375. Food will be scarce, you will have to scavenge. Learn to recognize 538 foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes, 539 shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc. 5406. Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze, internal organs 541 will be scarce in the post-nuclear age. 5427. Try to be neat, fall only in designated piles. 5438. Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas, people could be 544 staggering illegally. 5459. Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to one's, but more 546 sanitary due to limited circulation. 54710. Accumulate mannequins now, spare parts will be in short 548 supply on D-Day. 549% 550 The Guy on the Right Doesn't Stand a Chance 551The guy on the right has the Osborne 1, a fully functional computer system 552in a portable package the size of a briefcase. The guy on the left has an 553Uzi submachine gun concealed in his attache case. Also in the case are four 554fully loaded, 32-round clips of 125-grain 9mm ammunition. The owner of the 555Uzi is going to get more tactical firepower delivered -- and delivered on 556target -- in less time, and with less effort. All for $795. It's inevitable. 557If you're going up against some guy with an Osborne 1 -- or any personal 558computer -- he's the one who's in trouble. One round from an Uzi can zip 559through ten inches of solid pine wood, so you can imagine what it will do 560to structural foam acrylic and sheet aluminum. In fact, detachable magazines 561for the Uzi are available in 25-, 32-, and 40-round capacities, so you can 562take out an entire office full of Apple II or IBM Personal Computers tied 563into Ethernet or other local-area networks. What about the new 16-bit 564computers, like the Lisa and Fortune? Even with the Winchester backup, 565they're no match for the Uzi. One quick burst and they'll find out what 566Unix means. Make your commanding officer proud. Get an Uzi -- and come home 567a winner in the fight for office automatic weapons. 568 -- "InfoWorld", June, 1984 569% 570 The STAR WARS Song 571 Sung to the tune of "Lola", by the Kinks: 572 573I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah 574Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda 575 S-O-D-A soda 576I saw the little runt sitting there on a log 577I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda 578 Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda 579 580Well I've been around but I ain't never seen 581A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green 582 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda 583Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand 584How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand 585 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda 586% 587 The Three Major Kind of Tools 588 589* Tools for hitting things to make them loose or to tighten them up or 590 jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a 591 manner that they function perfectly. (These are your hammers, maces, 592 bludgeons, and truncheons.) 593 594* Tools that, if dropped properly, can penetrate your foot. (Awls) 595 596* Tools that nobody should ever use because the potential danger is far 597 greater than the value of any project that could possibly result. 598 (Power saws, power drills, power staplers, any kind of tool that uses 599 any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.) 600 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 601% 602 (to "The Caissons Go Rolling Along") 603Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug 604Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug 605And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. 606Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all, 607Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall 608And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. 609And we've also found Just flip one switch 610When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch 611You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble 612 in a flash. 613Oh, it's so much fun, When the CPU 614Now the CPU won't run Can print nothing out but "foo," 615And the system is going to crash. The system is going to crash. 616% 617 'Twas the Night before Crisis 618 619'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house, 620 Not a program was working not even a browse. 621The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care, 622 Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer. 623The users were nestled all snug in their beds, 624 While visions of inquiries danced in their heads. 625When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter, 626 I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter. 627And what to my wondering eyes should appear, 628 But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear. 629More rapid than eagles, his programs they came, 630 And he whistled and shouted and called them by name; 631On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete! 632 On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete! 633His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean, 634 From Weekends and nights in front of a screen. 635A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head, 636 Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread... 637% 638 What I Did During My Fall Semester 639On the first day of my fall semester, I got up. 640Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic. 641Then I hung out in front of the Dover. 642 643On the second day of my fall semester, I got up. 644Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic. 645Then I hung out in front of the Dover. 646 647On the third day of my fall semester, I got up. 648Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic. 649I found a thesis topic: 650 How to keep people from hanging out in front of the Dover. 651 -- Sister Mary Elephant, 652 "Student Statement for Black Friday" 653% 654 William Safire's Rules for Writers: 655 656Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never 657be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs has to 658agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words 659out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal 660of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must 661not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a 662conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a 663sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as 664close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more 665words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles 666must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a 667linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing 668metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should 669be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their 670writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows 671the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek 672viable alternatives. 673% 674 1/3 675 /\(3) 676 | 2 1/3 677 | z dz cos(3 * PI / 9) = ln (e ) 678 | 679 \/ 1 680 681The integral of z squared, dz 682From 1 to the cube root of 3 683 Times the cosine 684 Of 3 PI over nine 685Is the log of the cube root of e 686% 687 THE DAILY PLANET 688 689 SUPERMAN SAVES DESSERT! 690 Plans to "Eat it later" 691% 692 *** A NEW KIND OF PROGRAMMING *** 693 694Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical 695terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into 696the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers' 697School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming. 698They say a good programmer can write 20 lines of effective program per day. 699With our unique training course, we'll show you how to write 20 lines of code 700and lots more besides. Our training course covers every programming language 701in existence, and some that aren't. You'll learn why the on/off switch for a 702computer is so important, what the words *fatal error* mean, and who and what 703you should blame when you make a mistake. 704 705 Yes, I want the brochure describing this incredible offer. 706 I enclose $1000 in small unmarked bills to cover the cost of 707 postage and handling. (No live poultry, please.) 708 709*** Our Slogan: Top down programming for the masses. *** 710% 711 A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling 712 by Mark Twain 713 714 For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped 715to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer 716be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained 717would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 718might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the 719same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with 720"i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all. 721 Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear 722with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 723or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. 724Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi 725ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz 726ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli. 727 Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud 728hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld. 729% 730 *** DO YOU HAVE A RESTLESS URGE TO PROGRAM? *** 731Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical 732terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into 733the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers' 734School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming. 735 736 *** IS PROGRAMMING FOR YOU? *** 737Programming is not for everyone. But, if you have the desire to learn, we can 738help you get started. All you need is the Famous Programmers' Course and 739enough money to keep those lessons coming month after month. 740 741 *** TAKE OUR FREE APTITUDE TEST *** 742To help determine if you are qualified to be a programmer, take a moment to 743try this simple test: 744 1: Write down the numbers from zero to nine and the first six letters 745 of the alphabet (Hint: 0123456789ABCDEF). 746 2: Whose picture is on the back of a twenty-dollar bill? 747 3: What is the state capital of Idaho? 748If you managed to read all three questions without wondering why we asked 749them, you may have a future as a computer programmer. 750% 751 *** STUDENT SUCCESSES *** 752 753Many of our students have gone on to achieve great success in all fields of 754programming. One former student developed the concept of the personalized 755form letter. Does the phrase, "Dear Mr.(insert name), You may already be a 756winner!," sound familiar? Another student writes "After only five lessons I 757sold a "My Most Unforgettable Program" article to Corrosive Computing magazine. 758Another of our graduates writes, "I recently completed a database-management 759program for my department manager. My program touched him so deeply that he 760was speechless. He told me later that he had never seen such a program in 761his entire career. Thank you, Famous Programmers' school; only you could 762have made this possible." Send for our introductory brochure which explains 763in vague detail the operation of the Famous Programmers' School, and you'll 764be eligible to win a possible chance to enter a drawing, the winner of which 765can vie for a set of free steak knives. If you don't do it now, you'll hate 766yourself in the morning. 767% 768 769 *** System shutdown message from root *** 770 771System going down in 60 seconds 772 773 774% 775 ... This striving for excellence extends into people's 776personal lives as well. When '80s people buy something, they buy the 777best one, as determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability. 778Eighties people buy imported dental floss. They buy gourmet baking 779soda. If an '80s couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a 780reservation three weeks in advance, and they are informed that their 781table is available, they stalk out immediately, because they know it is 782not an excellent restaurant. If it were, it would have an enormous 783crowd of excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their 784beepers going off like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant 785wouldn't have a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of 786Liza Minnelli. 787 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 788% 789 ... with liberty and justice for all who can afford it. 790% 791 7,140 pounds on the Sun 792 97 pounds on Mercury or Mars 793 255 pounds on Earth 794 232 pounds on Venus or Uranus 795 43 pounds on the Moon 796 648 pounds on Jupiter 797 275 pounds on Saturn 798 303 pounds on Neptune 799 13 pounds on Pluto 800 801 -- How much Elvis Presley would weigh at various places 802 in the solar system. 803% 804 A boy scout troop went on a hike. Crossing over a stream, one of 805the boys dropped his wallet into the water. Suddenly a carp jumped, grabbed 806the wallet and tossed it to another carp. Then that carp passed it to 807another carp, and all over the river carp appeared and tossed the wallet back 808and forth. 809 "Well, boys," said the Scout leader, "you've just seen a rare case 810of carp-to-carp walleting." 811% 812 A carpet installer decides to take a cigarette break after completing 813the installation in the first of several rooms he has to do. Finding them 814missing from his pocket he begins searching, only to notice a small lump in 815his recently completed carpet-installation. Not wanting to pull up all that 816work for a lousy pack of cigarettes he simply walks over and pounds the lump 817flat. Foregoing the break, he continues on to the other rooms to be carpeted. 818 At the end of the day, while loading his tools into his truck, two 819events occur almost simultaneously: he spies his pack of cigarettes on the 820dashboard of the truck, and the lady of the house summons him imperiously: 821"Have you seen my parakeet?" 822% 823 A circus foreman was making the rounds inspecting the big top when 824a scrawny little man entered the tent and walked up to him. "Are you the 825foreman around here?" he asked timidly. "I'd like to join your circus; I 826have what I think is a pretty good act." 827 The foreman nodded assent, whereupon the little man hurried over to 828the main pole and rapidly climbed up to the very tip-top of the big top. 829Drawing a deep breath, he hurled himself off into the air and began flapping 830his arms furiously. Amazingly, rather than plummeting to his death the little 831man began to fly all around the poles, lines, trapezes and other obstacles, 832performing astounding feats of aerobatics which ended in a long power dive 833from the top of the tent, pulling up into a gentle feet-first landing beside 834the foreman, who had been nonchalantly watching the whole time. 835 "Well," puffed the little man. "What do you think?" 836 "That's all you do?" answered the foreman scornfully. "Bird 837imitations?" 838% 839 A crow perched himself on a telephone wire. He was going to make a 840long-distance caw. 841% 842 A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was eating 843his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality test", said 844the outsider, "because I want you to be happy." 845 Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into the 846toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too". 847% 848 A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about 849whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they 850got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The 851medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's 852rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat." 853 The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden 854itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that the Garden 855and the world were created. So God must have been an architect." 856 The computer scientist, who'd listened carefully to all of this, then 857commented, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?" 858% 859 A domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl. He came back from 860his honeymoon a chastened man. He'd become aware of the will of the wisp. 861% 862 A farm in the country side had several turkeys, it was known as the 863house of seven gobbles. 864% 865 A farmer decides that his three sows should be bred, and contacts a 866buddy down the road, who owns several boars. They agree on a stud fee, and 867the farmer puts the sows in his pickup and takes them down the road to the 868boars. He leaves them all day, and when he picks them up that night, asks 869the man how he can tell if it "took" or not. The breeder replies that if, 870the next morning, the sows were grazing on grass, they were pregnant, but if 871they were rolling in the mud as usual, they probably weren't. 872 Comes the morn, the sows are rolling in the mud as usual, so the 873farmer puts them in the truck and brings them back for a second full day of 874frolic. This continues for a week, since each morning the sows are rolling 875in the mud. 876 Around the sixth day, the farmer wakes up and tells his wife, "I 877don't have the heart to look again. This is getting ridiculous. You check 878today." With that, the wife peeks out the bedroom window and starts to laugh. 879 "What is it?" asks the farmer excitedly. "Are they grazing at last?" 880 "Nope." replies his wife. "Two of them are jumping up and down in 881the back of your truck, and the other one is honking the horn!" 882% 883 A father gave his teenage daughter an untrained pedigreed pup for 884her birthday. An hour later, when wandered through the house, he found her 885looking at a puddle in the center of the kitchen. "My pup," she murmured 886sadly, "runneth over." 887% 888 A German, a Pole and a Czech left camp for a hike through the woods. 889After being reported missing a day or two later, rangers found two bears, 890one a male, one a female, looking suspiciously overstuffed. They killed 891the female, autopsied her, and sure enough, found the German and the Pole. 892 "What do you think?" said the first ranger. 893 "The Czech is in the male," replied the second. 894% 895 A group of soldiers being prepared for a practice landing on a tropical 896island were warned of the one danger the island held, a poisonous snake that 897could be readily identified by its alternating orange and black bands. They 898were instructed, should they find one of these snakes, to grab the tail end of 899the snake with one hand and slide the other hand up the body of the snake to 900the snake's head. Then, forcefully, bend the thumb above the snake's head 901downward to break the snake's spine. All went well for the landing, the 902charge up the beach, and the move into the jungle. At one foxhole site, two 903men were starting to dig and wondering what had happened to their partner. 904Suddenly he staggered out of the underbrush, uniform in shreds, covered with 905blood. He collapsed to the ground. His buddies were so shocked they could 906only blurt out, "What happened?" 907 "I ran from the beachhead to the edge of the jungle, and, as I hit the 908ground, I saw an orange and black striped snake right in front of me. I 909grabbed its tail end with my left hand. I placed my right hand above my left 910hand. I held firmly with my left hand and slid my right hand up the body of 911the snake. When I reached the head of the snake I flicked my right thumb down 912to break the snake's spine... did you ever goose a tiger?" 913% 914 A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved 915dog in his brother's care. The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his 916brother and inquires after his pet. 917 "Your dog's dead," replies his brother bluntly. 918 The guy is devastated. "You know how much that dog meant to me," 919he moaned into the phone. "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way 920of breaking the news? Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got 921outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a 922corner...' or something...? Why are you always so thoughtless?" 923 "Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't think." 924 "Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us. How are you anyway? 925How's Mom?" 926 His brother is silent a moment. "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got 927outside one day..." 928% 929 A guy walks into a pub and asks: "Does anyone here own a Doberman? 930I feel really bad about this, but my Chihuahua just killed it." 931 A man leaps to his feet and replies, "Yes, I do, but how can that 932be? I raised that dog from a pup to be a vicious killer." 933 "Yes, well, that's all well and good," replied the first, "but my 934dog's stuck in its throat." 935% 936 A hard-luck actor who appeared in one colossal disaster after another 937finally got a break, a broken leg to be exact. Someone pointed out that it's 938the first time the poor fellow's been in the same cast for more than a week. 939% 940 A horrible little boy came up to me and said, "You know in your 941book The Martian Chronicles?" 942 I said, "Yes?" 943 He said, "You know where you talk about Deimos rising in the 944East?" 945 I said, "Yes?" 946 He said "No." -- So I hit him. 947 -- attributed to Ray Bradbury 948% 949 A horse breeder has his young colts bottle-fed after they're three 950days old. He heard that a foal and his mummy are soon parted. 951% 952 A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked to add 2 and 2. 953 The housewife replied, "Four!". 954 The accountant said, "It's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures 955through my spread sheet one more time." 956 The lawyer pulled the drapes, dimmed the lights and asked in a 957hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?" 958% 959 A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had 960made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he 961would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the 962lawyer. 963 "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this 964state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, 965I could put `here lies an honest lawyer', if that would be okay." 966 "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer. 967 "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it 968and exclaim, "That's Strange!" 969% 970 A little dog goes into a saloon in the Wild West, and beckons to 971the bartender. "Hey, bartender, gimmie a whiskey." 972 The bartender ignores him. 973 "Hey bartender, gimmie a whiskey." 974 Still ignored. 975 "HEY BARMAN!! GIMMIE A WHISKEY!!" 976 The bartender takes out his six-shooter and shoots the dog in the 977leg, and the dog runs out the saloon, howling in pain. 978 Three years later, the wee dog appears again, wearing boots, 979jeans, chaps, a Stetson, gun belt, and guns. He ambles slowly into the 980saloon, goes up to the bar, leans over it, and says to the bartender, 981"I'm here t'git the man that shot muh paw." 982% 983 A man enters a pet shop, seeking to purchase a parrot. He points 984to a fine colorful bird and asks how much it costs. 985 When he is told it costs 70,000 zlotys, he whistles in amazement 986and asks why it is so much. "Well, the bird is fluent in Italian and 987French and can recite the periodic table." He points to another bird 988and is told that it costs 90,000 zlotys because it speaks French and 989German, can knit and can curse in Latin. 990 Finally the customer asks about a drab gray bird. "Ah," he is 991told, "that one is 150,000." 992 "Why, what can it do?" he asks. 993 "Well," says the shopkeeper, "to tell you the truth, he doesn't 994do anything, but the other birds call him Mr. Secretary." 995 -- being told in Poland, 1987 996% 997 A man from AI walked across the mountains to SAIL to see the Master, 998Knuth. When he arrived, the Master was nowhere to be found. "Where is the 999wise one named Knuth?" he asked a passing student. 1000 "Ah," said the student, "you have not heard. He has gone on a 1001pilgrimage across the mountains to the temple of AI to seek out new 1002disciples." 1003 Hearing this, the man was Enlightened. 1004% 1005 A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The 1006first thing he notices is that the arms are too long. 1007 "No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow 1008and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine." 1009 "But the collar is up around my ears!" 1010 "It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a 1011little more ... that's it." 1012 "But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation. 1013 "Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you 1014go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly." 1015 So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the 1016street. Reba and Florence see him go by. 1017 "Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!" 1018 "Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit." 1019 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 1020% 1021 A man met a beautiful young woman in a bar. They got along well, 1022shared dinner, and had a marvelous evening. When he left her, he told her 1023that he had really enjoyed their time together, and hoped to see her again, 1024soon. Smiling yes, she gave him her phone number. 1025 The next day, he called her up and asked her to go dancing. She 1026agreed. As they talked, he jokingly asked her what her favorite flower was. 1027Realizing his intentions, she told him that he shouldn't bring her flowers 1028-- if he wanted to bring her a gift, well, he should bring her a Swiss Army 1029knife! 1030 Surprised, and not a little intrigued, he spent a large part of the 1031afternoon finding a particularly unusual one. Arriving at her apartment 1032he immediately presented her with the knife. She ooohed and ahhhed over it 1033for a minute, and then carefully placed it in a drawer, that the man couldn't 1034help but see was full of Swiss Army knives. 1035 Surprised, he asked her why she had collected so many. 1036 "Well, I'm young and attractive now", blushed the woman, "but that 1037won't always be true. And boy scouts will do anything for a Swiss Army knife!" 1038% 1039 A man pleaded innocent of any wrong doing when caught by the police 1040during a raid at the home of a mobster, excusing himself by claiming that he 1041was making a bolt for the door. 1042% 1043 A man sank into the psychiatrist's couch and said, "I have a 1044terrible problem, Doctor. I have a son at Harvard and another son at 1045Princeton; I've just gifted each of them with a new Ferrari; I've got 1046homes in Beverly Hills, Palm Beach, and a co-op in New York; and I've 1047got a thriving ranch in Venezuela. My wife is a gorgeous young actress 1048who considers my two mistresses to be her best friends." 1049 The psychiatrist looked at the patient, confused. "Did I miss 1050something? It sounds to me like you have no problems at all." 1051 "But, Doctor, I only make $175 a week." 1052% 1053 A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, 1054"Do you serve lawyers here?". 1055 "Sure do," replied the bartender. 1056 "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for 1057my 'gator." 1058% 1059 A man was reading The Canterbury Tales one Saturday morning, when his 1060wife asked "What have you got there?" Replied he, "Just my cup and Chaucer." 1061% 1062 A man who keeps stealing mopeds is an obvious cycle-path. 1063% 1064 A manager asked a programmer how long it would take him to finish the 1065program on which he was working. "I will be finished tomorrow," the programmer 1066promptly replied. 1067 "I think you are being unrealistic," said the manager. "Truthfully, 1068how long will it take?" 1069 The programmer thought for a moment. "I have some features that I wish 1070to add. This will take at least two weeks," he finally said. 1071 "Even that is too much to expect," insisted the manager, "I will be 1072satisfied if you simply tell me when the program is complete." 1073 The programmer agreed to this. 1074 Several years later, the manager retired. On the way to his 1075retirement lunch, he discovered the programmer asleep at his terminal. 1076He had been programming all night. 1077 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 1078% 1079 A manager was about to be fired, but a programmer who worked for him 1080invented a new program that became popular and sold well. As a result, the 1081manager retained his job. 1082 The manager tried to give the programmer a bonus, but the programmer 1083refused it, saying, "I wrote the program because I though it was an interesting 1084concept, and thus I expect no reward." 1085 The manager, upon hearing this, remarked, "This programmer, though he 1086holds a position of small esteem, understands well the proper duty of an 1087employee. Lets promote him to the exalted position of management consultant!" 1088 But when told this, the programmer once more refused, saying, "I exist 1089so that I can program. If I were promoted, I would do nothing but waste 1090everyone's time. Can I go now? I have a program that I'm working on." 1091 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 1092% 1093 A manager went to his programmers and told them: "As regards to your 1094work hours: you are going to have to come in at nine in the morning and leave 1095at five in the afternoon." At this, all of them became angry and several 1096resigned on the spot. 1097 So the manager said: "All right, in that case you may set your own 1098working hours, as long as you finish your projects on schedule." The 1099programmers, now satisfied, began to come in a noon and work to the wee 1100hours of the morning. 1101 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 1102% 1103 A manager went to the master programmer and showed him the requirements 1104document for a new application. The manager asked the master: "How long will 1105it take to design this system if I assign five programmers to it?" 1106 "It will take one year," said the master promptly. 1107 "But we need this system immediately or even sooner! How long will it 1108take it I assign ten programmers to it?" 1109 The master programmer frowned. "In that case, it will take two years." 1110 "And what if I assign a hundred programmers to it?" 1111 The master programmer shrugged. "Then the design will never be 1112completed," he said. 1113 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 1114% 1115 A master programmer passed a novice programmer one day. The master 1116noted the novice's preoccupation with a hand-held computer game. "Excuse me", 1117he said, "may I examine it?" 1118 The novice bolted to attention and handed the device to the master. 1119"I see that the device claims to have three levels of play: Easy, Medium, 1120and Hard", said the master. "Yet every such device has another level of play, 1121where the device seeks not to conquer the human, nor to be conquered by the 1122human." 1123 "Pray, great master," implored the novice, "how does one find this 1124mysterious setting?" 1125 The master dropped the device to the ground and crushed it under foot. 1126And suddenly the novice was enlightened. 1127 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 1128% 1129 A master was explaining the nature of the Tao to one of his novices, 1130"The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how insignificant," 1131said the master. 1132 "Is the Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice. 1133 "It is," came the reply. 1134 "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice. 1135 "It is even in a video game," said the master. 1136 "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?" 1137 The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The lesson is 1138over for today," he said. 1139 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 1140% 1141 A MODERN FABLE 1142 1143Aesop's fables and other traditional children's stories involve allegory 1144far too subtle for the youth of today. Children need an updated message 1145with contemporary circumstance and plot line, and short enough to suit 1146today's minute attention span. 1147 1148 The Troubled Aardvark 1149 1150Once upon a time, there was an aardvark whose only pleasure in life was 1151driving from his suburban bungalow to his job at a large brokerage house 1152in his brand new 4x4. He hated his manipulative boss, his conniving and 1153unethical co-workers, his greedy wife, and his sniveling, spoiled 1154children. One day, the aardvark reflected on the meaning of his life and 1155his career and on the unchecked, catastrophic decline of his nation, its 1156pathetic excuse for leadership, and the complete ineffectiveness of any 1157personal effort he could make to change the status quo. Overcome by a 1158wave of utter depression and self-doubt, he decided to take the only 1159course of action that would bring him greater comfort and happiness: he 1160drove to the mall and bought imported consumer electronics goods. 1161 1162MORAL OF THE STORY: Invest in foreign consumer electronics manufacturers. 1163 -- Tom Annau 1164% 1165 A musical reviewer admitted he always praised the first show of a 1166new theatrical season. "Who am I to stone the first cast?" 1167% 1168 A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at 1169the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the 1170pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite 1171nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if..." 1172 "If what?" asked the composer. 1173 "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?" 1174% 1175 A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which 1176removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to 1177doing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous 1178amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware 1179limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the 1180larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient 1181power-down sequence. 1182 An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the 1183building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has 1184bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer 1185cool. 1186% 1187 A novice asked the Master: "Here is a programmer that never designs, 1188documents, or tests his programs. Yet all who know him consider him one of 1189the best programmers in the world. Why is this?" 1190 The Master replies: "That programmer has mastered the Tao. He has 1191gone beyond the need for design; he does not become angry when the system 1192crashes, but accepts the universe without concern. He has gone beyond the 1193need for documentation; he no longer cares if anyone else sees his code. He 1194has gone beyond the need for testing; each of his programs are perfect within 1195themselves, serene and elegant, their purpose self-evident. Truly, he has 1196entered the mystery of the Tao." 1197 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 1198% 1199 A novice asked the master: "I have a program that sometimes runs and 1200sometimes aborts. I have followed the rules of programming, yet I am totally 1201baffled. What is the reason for this?" 1202 The master replied: "You are confused because you do not understand 1203the Tao. Only a fool expects rational behavior from his fellow humans. Why 1204do you expect it from a machine that humans have constructed? Computers 1205simulate determinism; only the Tao is perfect. 1206 The rules of programming are transitory; only the Tao is eternal. 1207Therefore you must contemplate the Tao before you receive enlightenment." 1208 "But how will I know when I have received enlightenment?" asked the 1209novice. 1210 "Your program will then run correctly," replied the master. 1211 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 1212% 1213 A novice asked the master: "I perceive that one computer company is 1214much larger than all others. It towers above its competition like a giant 1215among dwarfs. Any one of its divisions could comprise an entire business. 1216Why is this so?" 1217 The master replied, "Why do you ask such foolish questions? That 1218company is large because it is so large. If it only made hardware, nobody 1219would buy it. If it only maintained systems, people would treat it like a 1220servant. But because it combines all of these things, people think it one 1221of the gods! By not seeking to strive, it conquers without effort." 1222 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 1223% 1224 A novice asked the master: "In the east there is a great tree-structure 1225that men call 'Corporate Headquarters'. It is bloated out of shape with 1226vice-presidents and accountants. It issues a multitude of memos, each saying 1227'Go, Hence!' or 'Go, Hither!' and nobody knows what is meant. Every year new 1228names are put onto the branches, but all to no avail. How can such an 1229unnatural entity exist?" 1230 The master replies: "You perceive this immense structure and are 1231disturbed that it has no rational purpose. Can you not take amusement from 1232its endless gyrations? Do you not enjoy the untroubled ease of programming 1233beneath its sheltering branches? Why are you bothered by its uselessness?" 1234 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 1235% 1236 A novice programmer was once assigned to code a simple financial 1237package. 1238 The novice worked furiously for many days, but when his master 1239reviewed his program, he discovered that it contained a screen editor, a set 1240of generalized graphics routines, and artificial intelligence interface, 1241but not the slightest mention of anything financial. 1242 When the master asked about this, the novice became indignant. 1243"Don't be so impatient," he said, "I'll put the financial stuff in eventually." 1244 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 1245% 1246 A novice was trying to fix a broken lisp machine by turning the 1247power off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly, 1248"You cannot fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no understanding 1249of what is going wrong." Knight turned the machine off and on. The 1250machine worked. 1251% 1252 "A penny for your thoughts?" 1253 "A dollar for your death." 1254 -- The Odd Couple 1255% 1256 A Pole, a Soviet, an American, an Englishman and a Canadian were lost 1257in a forest in the dead of winter. As they were sitting around a fire, they 1258noticed a pack of wolves eyeing them hungrily. 1259 The Englishman volunteered to sacrifice himself for the rest of the 1260party. He walked out into the night. 1261 The American, not wanting to be outdone by an Englishman, offered to 1262be the next victim. The wolves eagerly accepted his offer, and devoured him, 1263too. 1264 The Soviet, believing himself to be better than any American, turned 1265to the Pole and says, "Well, comrade, I shall volunteer to give my life to 1266save a fellow socialist." He leaves the shelter and goes out to be killed by 1267the wolf pack. 1268 At this point, the Pole opened his jacket and pulls out a machine gun. 1269He takes aim in the general direction of the wolf pack and in a few seconds 1270has killed them all. 1271 The Canadian asked the Pole, "Why didn't you do that before the others 1272went out to be killed? 1273 The Pole pulls a bottle of vodka from the other side of his jacket. 1274He smiles and replies, "Five men on one bottle -- too many." 1275% 1276 A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came 1277upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. 1278"That's what I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow 1279man". 1280 As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, 1281he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing." 1282% 1283 A program should be light and agile, its subroutines connected like a 1284strings of pearls. The spirit and intent of the program should be retained 1285throughout. There should be neither too little nor too much, neither needless 1286loops nor useless variables, neither lack of structure nor overwhelming 1287rigidity. 1288 A program should follow the "Law of Least Astonishment". What is this 1289law? It is simply that the program should always respond to the user in the 1290way that astonishes him least. 1291 A program, no matter how complex, should act as a single unit. The 1292program should be directed by the logic within rather than by outward 1293appearances. 1294 If the program fails in these requirements, it will be in a state of 1295disorder and confusion. The only way to correct this is to rewrite the 1296program. 1297 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 1298% 1299 A programmer from a very large computer company went to a software 1300conference and then returned to report to his manager, saying: "What sort 1301of programmers work for other companies? They behaved badly and were 1302unconcerned with appearances. Their hair was long and unkempt and their 1303clothes were wrinkled and old. They crashed our hospitality suites and they 1304made rude noises during my presentation." 1305 The manager said: "I should have never sent you to the conference. 1306Those programmers live beyond the physical world. They consider life absurd, 1307an accidental coincidence. They come and go without knowing limitations. 1308Without a care, they live only for their programs. Why should they bother 1309with social conventions?" 1310 "They are alive within the Tao." 1311 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 1312% 1313 A pushy romeo asked a gorgeous elevator operator, "Don't all these 1314stops and starts get you pretty worn out?" 1315 "It isn't the stops and starts that get on my nerves, it's the jerks." 1316% 1317 A ranger was walking through the forest and encountered a hunter 1318carrying a shotgun and a dead loon. "What in the world do you think you're 1319doing? Don't you know that the loon is on the endangered species list?" 1320 Instead of answering, the hunter showed the ranger his game bag, 1321which contained twelve more loons. 1322 "Why would you shoot loons?", the ranger asked. 1323 "Well, my family eats them and I sell the plumage." 1324 "What's so special about a loon? What does it taste like?" 1325 "Oh, somewhere between an American Bald Eagle and a Trumpeter Swan." 1326% 1327 A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor 1328recorded the following on the patient's chart: "Patient failed to fulfill 1329his wellness potential." 1330 1331 Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the *American Journal 1332of Family Practice* fleas were called "hematophagous arthropod vectors." 1333 1334 A reader reports that the Army calls them "vertically deployed anti- 1335personnel devices." You probably call them bombs. 1336 1337 At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian 1338mechanics were placed on "non-duty, non-pay status." That is, they were fired. 1339 1340 After taking the trip of a lifetime, our reader sent his twelve rolls 1341of film to Kodak for developing (or "processing," as Kodak likes to call it) 1342only to receive the following notice: "We must report that during the handling 1343of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the films were involved in an 1344unusual laboratory experience." The use of the passive is a particularly nice 1345touch, don't you think? Nobody did anything to the films; they just had a bad 1346experience. Of course our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his 1347pictures all over again, using the twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously 1348sent him. 1349 -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE) 1350% 1351 A reverend wanted to telephone another reverend. He told the operator, 1352"This is a parson to parson call." 1353 A farmer with extremely prolific hens posted the following sign. "Free 1354Chickens. Our Coop Runneth Over." 1355 Two brothers, Mort and Bill, like to sail. While Bill has a great 1356deal of experience, he certainly isn't the rigger Mort is. 1357 Inheritance taxes are getting so out of line, that the deceased family 1358often doesn't have a legacy to stand on. 1359 The judge fined the jaywalker fifty dollars and told him if he was 1360caught again, he would be thrown in jail. Fine today, cooler tomorrow. 1361 A rock store eventually closed down; they were taking too much for 1362granite. 1363% 1364 A Scotsman was strolling across High Street one day wearing his kilt. 1365As he neared the far curb, he noticed two young blondes in a red convertible 1366eyeing him and giggling. One of them called out, "Hey, Scotty! What's worn 1367under the kilt?" 1368 He strolled over to the side of the car and asked, "Ach, lass, are you 1369SURE you want to know?" Somewhat nervously, the blonde replied yes, she did 1370really want to know. 1371 The Scotsman leaned closer and confided, "Why, lass, nothing's worn 1372under the kilt, everything's in perfect workin' order!" 1373% 1374 A sheet of paper crossed my desk the other day and as I read it, 1375realization of a basic truth came over me. So simple! So obvious we couldn't 1376see it. John Knivlen, Chairman of Palomar Repeater Club, an amateur radio 1377group, had discovered how IC circuits work. He says that smoke is the thing 1378that makes ICs work because every time you let the smoke out of an IC circuit, 1379it stops working. He claims to have verified this with thorough testing. 1380 I was flabbergasted! Of course! Smoke makes all things electrical 1381work. Remember the last time smoke escaped from your Lucas voltage regulator 1382Didn't it quit working? I sat and smiled like an idiot as more of the truth 1383dawned. It's the wiring harness that carries the smoke from one device to 1384another in your Mini, MG or Jag. And when the harness springs a leak, it lets 1385the smoke out of everything at once, and then nothing works. The starter motor 1386requires large quantities of smoke to operate properly, and that's why the wire 1387going to it is so large. 1388 Feeling very smug, I continued to expand my hypothesis. Why are Lucas 1389electronics more likely to leak than say Bosch? Hmmm... Aha!!! Lucas is 1390British, and all things British leak! British convertible tops leak water, 1391British engines leak oil, British displacer units leak hydrostatic fluid, and 1392I might add British tires leak air, and the British defense unit leaks 1393secrets... so naturally British electronics leak smoke. 1394 -- Jack Banton, PCC Automotive Electrical School 1395% 1396 A shy teenage boy finally worked up the nerve to give a gift to 1397Madonna, a young puppy. It hitched its waggin' to a star. 1398 A girl spent a couple hours on the phone talking to her two best 1399friends, Maureen Jones, and Maureen Brown. When asked by her father why she 1400had been on the phone so long, she responded "I heard a funny story today 1401and I've been telling it to the Maureens." 1402 Three actors, Tom, Fred, and Cec, wanted to do the jousting scene 1403from Don Quixote for a local TV show. "I'll play the title role," proposed 1404Tom. "Fred can portray Sancho Panza, and Cecil B. De Mille." 1405% 1406 "...A strange enigma is man!" 1407 "Someone calls him a soul concealed in an animal," I suggested. 1408 "Winwood Reade is good upon the subject," said Holmes. "He remarked 1409that, while the individual man is an insoluble puzzle, in the aggregate he 1410becomes a mathematical certainty. You can, for example, never foretell what 1411any one man will do, but you can say with precision what an average number 1412will be up to. Individuals vary, but percentages remain constant. So says 1413the statistician." 1414 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four" 1415% 1416 A woman was in love with fourteen soldiers, it was clearly platoonic. 1417% 1418 A woman was married to a golfer. One day she asked, "If I were 1419to die, would you remarry?" 1420 After some thought, the man replied, "Yes, I've been very happy in 1421this marriage and I would want to be this happy again." 1422 The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?" 1423 "Yes," he replied. "That's a good car and it runs well." 1424 "Well, would you live in this house?" 1425 "Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully. 1426I've always loved it here." 1427 "Well, would you give her my golf clubs?" 1428 "No." 1429 "Why not?" 1430 "She's left handed." 1431% 1432 A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened 1433to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road. After seeing the 1434sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes. 1435"Gosh!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job. 1436Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?" 1437 "Yes, upon rare occasions," answered the handler. 1438 "Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're bitten by 1439a snake?" 1440 "I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I 1441am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then 1442suck the poison from the wound." 1443 "What, uh... what would happen if you were to accidentally *sit* on 1444a rattler?" persisted the woman. 1445 "Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn 1446who my real friends are." 1447% 1448 A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a 1449little pebble on the beach. The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to 1450save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder." 1451% 1452 A young married couple had their first child. Their original pride 1453and joy slowly turned to concern however, for after a couple of years the 1454child had never uttered any form of speech. They hired the best speech 1455therapists, doctors, psychiatrists, all to no avail. The child simply refused 1456to speak. One morning when the child was five, while the husband was reading 1457the paper, and the wife was feeding the dog, the little kid looks up from 1458his bowl and said, "My cereal's cold." 1459 The couple is stunned. The man, in tears, confronts his son. "Son, 1460after all these years, why have you waited so long to say something?". 1461 Shrugs the kid, "Everything's been okay 'til now". 1462% 1463 ACHTUNG!!! 1464Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy 1465schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit 1466spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das 1467rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und 1468vatch das blinkenlights!!! 1469% 1470 After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from 1471Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, 1472and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon 1473to be created." 1474 "This is true," He replied. 1475 "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly. 1476 "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the 1477right to make his laws?" 1478 "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to 1479make his own." 1480 It was so granted. 1481 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1482% 1483 After sifting through the overwritten remaining blocks of Luke's home 1484directory, Luke and PDP-1 sped away from /u/lars, across the surface of the 1485Winchester riding Luke's flying read/write head. PDP-1 had Luke stop at the 1486edge of the cylinder overlooking /usr/spool/uucp. 1487 "Unix-to-Unix Copy Program;" said PDP-1. "You will never find a more 1488wretched hive of bugs and flamers. We must be cautious." 1489 -- DECWARS 1490% 1491 After the Children of Israel had wandered for thirty-nine years in 1492 the wilderness, Ferdinand Feghoot arrived to make sure that they 1493would finally find and enter the Promised Land. With him, he brought his 1494favorite robot, faithful old Yewtoo Artoo, to carry his gear and do assorted 1495camp chores. 1496 The Israelites soon got over their initial fear of the robot and, 1497 as the months passed, became very fond of him. Patriarchs took to 1498discussing abstruse theological problems with him, and each evening the 1499children all gathered to hear the many stories with which he was programmed. 1500Therefore it came as a great shock to them when, just as their journey was 1501ending, he abruptly wore out. Even Feghoot couldn't console them. 1502 "It may be true, Ferdinand Feghoot," said Moses, "that our friend 1503Yewtoo Artoo was soulless, but we cannot believe it. He must be properly 1504interred. We cannot embalm him as do the Egyptians. Nor have we wood for 1505a coffin. But I do have a most splendid skin from one of Pharoah's own 1506cattle. We shall bury him in it." 1507 Feghoot agreed. "Yes, let this be his last rusting place." "Rusting?" 1508 Moses cried. "Not in this dreadful dry desert!" 1509 "Ah!" sighed Ferdinand Feghoot, shedding a tear, "I fear you do not 1510realize the full significance of Pharoah's oxhide!" 1511 -- Grendel Briarton "Through Time & Space With Ferdinand 1512 Feghoot!" 1513% 1514 All I really need to know about how to live and what to do and 1515how to be I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the 1516graduate-school mountain, but there in the sandpile at Sunday School. 1517These are the things I learned: 1518 Share everything. 1519 Play fair. 1520 Don't hit people. 1521 Put things back where you found them. 1522 Clean up your own mess. 1523 Don't take things that aren't yours. 1524 Say you're sorry when you hurt someone. 1525 Wash your hands before you eat. 1526 Flush. 1527 Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you. 1528 Live a balanced life -- learn some and think some and draw and 1529paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some. 1530 Take a nap every afternoon. 1531 When you go out into the world, watch for traffic, hold hands, 1532and stick together. 1533 Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam 1534cup: The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows 1535how or why, but we are all like that. 1536 Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in 1537the Styrofoam cup -- they all die. So do we. 1538 And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you 1539learned -- the biggest word of all -- LOOK. 1540 Everything you need to know is in there somewhere. The Golden 1541Rule and love and basic sanitation. Ecology and politics and equality 1542and sane living. 1543 [...] Think what a better world it would be if we all -- the 1544whole world -- had cookies and milk about three o'clock every afternoon 1545and then lay down with our blankets for a nap. Or if all governments 1546had as a basic policy to always put things back where they found them 1547and to clean up their own mess. 1548 And it is still true, no matter how old you are -- when you go 1549out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together. 1550 -- Robert Fulghum, "All I Ever Really Needed to Know 1551 I Learned in Kindergarten" 1552% 1553 After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patient 1554earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several 1555minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help. 1556 "No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a 1557name for my baby." 1558 "But the hospital supplies a special booklet that lists hundreds 1559of first names and their meanings," said the orderly. 1560 "That won't help," said the woman, "my baby already has a first 1561name." 1562% 1563 All that you touch, And all you create, 1564 All that you see, And all you destroy, 1565 All that you taste, All that you do, 1566 All you feel, And all you say, 1567 And all that you love, All that you eat, 1568 And all that you hate, And everyone you meet, 1569 All you distrust, All that you slight, 1570 All you save, And everyone you fight, 1571 And all that you give, And all that is now, 1572 And all that you deal, And all that is gone, 1573 All that you buy, And all that's to come, 1574 Beg, borrow or steal, And everything under the sun is 1575 in tune, 1576 But the sun is eclipsed 1577 By the moon. 1578 1579There is no dark side of the moon... really... matter of fact it's all dark. 1580 -- Pink Floyd, "Dark Side of the Moon" 1581% 1582 America, Russia and Japan are sending up a two year shuttle mission 1583with one astronaut from each country. Since it's going to be two long, lonely 1584years up there, each may bring any form of entertainment weighing 150 pounds 1585or less. The American approaches the NASA board and asks to take his 125 lb. 1586wife. They approve. 1587 The Japanese astronaut says, "I've always wanted to learn Latin. I 1588want 100 lbs. of textbooks." The NASA board approves. The Russian astronaut 1589thinks for a second and says, "Two years... all right, I want 150 pounds of 1590the best Cuban cigars ever made." Again, NASA okays it. 1591 Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered outside 1592to welcome back the astronauts. Well, it's obvious what the American's been 1593up to, he and his wife are each holding an infant. The crowd cheers. The 1594Japanese astronaut steps out and makes a 10 minute speech in absolutely 1595perfect Latin. The crowd doesn't understand a word of it, but they're 1596impressed and they cheer again. The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches 1597the podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row and 1598screams: "Anybody got a match?" 1599% 1600 An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same 1601time. One was named Edith; the other named Kate. They met, discovered they 1602had the same fiancee, and told him. "Get out of our lives you rascal. We'll 1603teach you that you can't have your Kate and Edith, too." 1604% 1605 An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He knows 1606he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with great 1607restraint. 1608 As he designs the first work, frill after frill and embellishment 1609after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away to be used "next 1610time". Sooner or later the first system is finished, and the architect, 1611with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of that class of systems, 1612is ready to build a second system. 1613 This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs. When 1614he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will confirm each 1615other as to the general characteristics of such systems, and their differences 1616will identify those parts of his experience that are particular and not 1617generalizable. 1618 The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using all 1619the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first one. 1620The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile". 1621 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month" 1622% 1623 An eighty-year-old woman is rocking away the afternoon on her 1624porch when she sees an old, tarnished lamp sitting near the steps. She 1625picks it up, rubs it gently, and lo and behold a genie appears! The genie 1626tells the woman the he will grant her any three wishes her heart desires. 1627 After a bit of thought, she says, "I wish I were young and 1628beautiful!" And POOF! In a cloud of smoke she becomes a young, beautiful, 1629voluptuous woman. 1630 After a little more thought, she says, "I would like to be rich 1631for the rest of my life." And POOF! When the smoke clears, there are 1632stacks and stacks of money lying on the porch. 1633 The genie then says, "Now, madam, what is your final wish?" 1634 "Well," says the woman, "I would like for you to transform my 1635faithful old cat, whom I have loved dearly for fifteen years, into a young 1636handsome prince!" 1637 And with another billow of smoke the cat is changed into a tall, 1638handsome, young man, with dark hair, dressed in a dashing uniform. 1639 As they gaze at each other in adoration, the prince leans over to 1640the woman and whispers into her ear, "Now, aren't you sorry you had me 1641fixed?" 1642% 1643 An elderly man stands in line for hours at a Warsaw meat store (meat 1644is severely rationed). When the butcher comes out at the end of the day and 1645announces that there is no meat left, the man flies into a rage. 1646 "What is this?" he shouts. "I fought against the Nazis, I worked hard 1647all my life, I've been a loyal citizen, and now you tell me I can't even buy a 1648piece of meat? This rotten system stinks!" 1649 Suddenly a thuggish man in a black leather coat sidles up and murmurs 1650"Take it easy, comrade. Remember what would have happened if you had made an 1651outburst like that only a few years ago" -- and he points an imaginary gun to 1652this head and pulls the trigger. 1653 The old man goes home, and his wife says, "So they're out of meat 1654again?" 1655 "It's worse than that," he replies. "They're out of bullets." 1656 -- making the rounds in Warsaw, 1987 1657% 1658 An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are captured by cannibals. 1659The leader of the tribe comes up to them and says, "Even though you are about 1660to killed, your deaths will not be in vain. Every part of your body will be 1661used. Your flesh will be eaten, for my people are hungry. Your hair will be 1662woven into clothing, for my people are naked. Your bones will be ground up 1663and made into medicine, for my people are sick. Your skin will be stretched 1664over canoe frames, for my people need transportation. We are a fair people, 1665and we offer you a chance to kill yourself with our ceremonial knife." 1666 The Englishman accepts the knife and yells, "God Save the Queen", 1667while plunging the knife into his heart. 1668 The Frenchman removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells, 1669"Vive la France", while plunging the knife into his heart. 1670 The American removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells, 1671while stabbing himself all over his body, "Here's your lousy canoe!" 1672% 1673 An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity 1674in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him. 1675 "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if 1676you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like 1677an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an 1678hour seems like a minute." 1679 The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a 1680moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?" 1681 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 1682% 1683 An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a 1684great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures. 1685I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment. 1686I have given up everything I was asked to give up and I have suffered, but 1687I have not been enlightened. What should I do?" 1688 Otis replied, "Give up suffering." 1689 -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters" 1690% 1691 And St. Attila raised the hand grenade up on high saying "O Lord 1692bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thine enemies 1693to tiny bits, in thy mercy" and the Lord did grin and the people did feast 1694upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orang-utangs and 1695breakfast cereals and fruit bats and... 1696 (skip a bit brother...) 1697 Er ... oh, yes ... and the Lord spake, saying "First shalt thou 1698take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. 1699Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the count 1700shall be three. Four shalt thou not count neither count thou two, excepting 1701that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number 1702three, being the third number, be reached then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand 1703Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naught in my sight, shall 1704snuff it. 1705 -- Monty Python, "The Book of Armaments" 1706% 1707 "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?" 1708asked the father of his little son. 1709 "Diet." 1710% 1711 "Any news from the President on a successor?" he asked hopefully. 1712 "None," Anita replied. "She's having great difficulty finding 1713someone qualified who is willing to accept the post." 1714 "Then I stay," said Dr. Fresh. "I'm not good for much, but I 1715can at least make a decision." 1716 "Somewhere," he grumphed, "there must be a naive, opportunistic 1717young welp with a masochistic streak who would like to run the most 1718up-and-down bureaucracy in the history of mankind." 1719 -- R. L. Forward, "Flight of the Dragonfly" 1720% 1721 "Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best 1722to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the 1723posh hotel. 1724 "No. No, thank you," replied the gentleman. 1725 "Anything for your wife, sir?" the bellhop asked. 1726 "Why, yes, young man," said the gentleman. "Would you bring me 1727a postcard?" 1728% 1729 "Anything else you wish to draw to my attention, Mr. Holmes ?" 1730 "The curious incident of the stable dog in the nighttime." 1731 "But the dog did nothing in the nighttime." 1732 "That was the curious incident." 1733 -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "Silver Blaze" 1734% 1735 Approaching the gates of the monastery, Hakuin found Ken the Zen 1736preaching to a group of disciples. 1737 "Words..." Ken orated, "they are but an illusory veil obfuscating 1738the absolute reality of --" 1739 "Ken!" Hakuin interrupted. "Your fly is down!" 1740 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon Ken, and he 1741vaporized. 1742 On the way to town, Hakuin was greeted by an itinerant monk imbued 1743with the spirit of the morning. 1744 "Ah," the monk sighed, a beatific smile wrinkling across his cheeks, 1745"Thou art That..." 1746 "Ah," Hakuin replied, pointing excitedly, "And Thou art Fat!" 1747 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the monk, 1748and he vaporized. 1749 Next, the Governor sought the advice of Hakuin, crying: "As our 1750enemies bear down upon us, how shall I, with such heartless and callow 1751soldiers as I am heir to, hope to withstand the impending onslaught?" 1752 "US?" snapped Hakuin. 1753 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the 1754Governor, and he vaporized. 1755 Then, a redneck went up to Hakuin and vaporized the old Master with 1756his shotgun. "Ha! Beat ya' to the punchline, ya' scrawny li'l geek!" 1757% 1758 "Are you police officers?" 1759 "No, ma'am. We're musicians." 1760 -- The Blues Brothers 1761% 1762 "Are you sure you're not an encyclopedia salesman?" 1763 "No, Ma'am. Just a burglar, come to ransack the flat." 1764 -- Monty Python 1765% 1766 As a general rule of thumb, never trust anybody who's been in therapy 1767for more than 15 percent of their life span. The words "I am sorry" and "I 1768am wrong" will have totally disappeared from their vocabulary. They will stab 1769you, shoot you, break things in your apartment, say horrible things to your 1770friends and family, and then justify this abhorrent behavior by saying: 1771 "Sure, I put your dog in the microwave. But I feel *better* 1772for doing it." 1773 -- Bruce Feirstein, "Nice Guys Sleep Alone" 1774% 1775 At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from 1776Los Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head 1777under the exhaust of a bus until he revived. 1778% 1779 Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and 1780took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his 1781followers. 1782 One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and 1783there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing. 1784 "Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his 1785commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your 1786Purpose in Life, anyway?" 1787 Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The 1788Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.) 1789 Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened. 1790 Primarily because nobody understood Chinese. 1791 -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters" 1792% 1793 "Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, 1794and finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full 1795of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come 1796by their ignorance the hard way." 1797 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "Cat's Cradle" 1798% 1799 Bubba, Jim Bob, and Leroy were fishing out on the lake last November, 1800and, when Bubba tipped his head back to empty the Jim Beam, he fell out of the 1801boat into the lake. Jim Bob and Leroy pulled him back in, but as Bubba didn't 1802look too good, they started up the Evinrude and headed back to the pier. 1803 By the time they got there, Bubba was turning kind of blue, and his 1804teeth were chattering like all get out. Jim Bob said, "Leroy, go run up to 1805the pickup and get Doc Pritchard on the CB, and ask him what we should do". 1806 Doc Pritchard, after hearing a description of the case, said "Now, 1807Leroy, listen closely. Bubba is in great danger. He has hy-po-thermia. Now 1808what you need to do is get all them wet clothes off of Bubba, and take your 1809clothes off, and pile your clothes and jackets on top of him. Then you all 1810get under that pile, and hug up to Bubba real close so that you warm him up. 1811You understand me Leroy? You gotta warm Bubba up, or he'll die." 1812 Leroy and the Doc 10-4'ed each other, and Leroy came back to the 1813pier. "Wh-Wh-What'd th-th-the d-d-doc s-s-say L-L-Leroy?", Bubba chattered. 1814 "Bubba, Doc says you're gonna die." 1815% 1816 "But Huey, you PROMISED!" 1817 "Tell 'em I lied." 1818% 1819 By the middle 1880's, practically all the roads except those in 1820the South, were of the present standard gauge. The southern roads were 1821still five feet between rails. 1822 It was decided to change the gauge of all southern roads to standard, 1823in one day. This remarkable piece of work was carried out on a Sunday in May 1824of 1886. For weeks beforehand, shops had been busy pressing wheels in on the 1825axles to the new and narrower gauge, to have a supply of rolling stock which 1826could run on the new track as soon as it was ready. Finally, on the day set, 1827great numbers of gangs of track layers went to work at dawn. Everywhere one 1828rail was loosened, moved in three and one-half inches, and spiked down in its 1829new position. By dark, trains from anywhere in the United States could operate 1830over the tracks in the South, and a free interchange of freight cars everywhere 1831was possible. 1832 -- Robert Henry, "Trains", 1957 1833% 1834 Carol's head ached as she trailed behind the unsmiling Calibrees 1835along the block of booths. She chirruped at Kennicott, "Let's be wild! 1836Let's ride on the merry-go-round and grab a gold ring!" 1837 Kennicott considered it, and mumbled to Calibree, "Think you folks 1838would like to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?" 1839 Calibree considered it, and mumbled to his wife, "Think you'd like 1840to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?" 1841 Mrs. Calibree smiled in a washed-out manner, and sighed, "Oh no, 1842I don't believe I care to much, but you folks go ahead and try it." 1843 Calibree stated to Kennicott, "No, I don't believe we care to a 1844whole lot, but you folks go ahead and try it." 1845 Kennicott summarized the whole case against wildness: "Let's try 1846it some other time, Carrie." 1847 She gave it up. 1848 -- Sinclair Lewis, "Main Street" 1849% 1850 Catching his children with their hands in the new, still wet, patio, 1851the father spanked them. His wife asked, "Don't you love your children?" 1852"In the abstract, yes, but not in the concrete." 1853% 1854 Chapter VIII 1855Due to the convergence of forces beyond his comprehension, 1856Salvatore Quanucci was suddenly squirted out of the universe 1857like a watermelon seed, and never heard from again. 1858% 1859 "Cheshire-Puss," she began, "would you tell me, please, which 1860way I ought to go from here?" 1861 "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said 1862the Cat. 1863 "I don't care much where--" said Alice. 1864 "Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat. 1865 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865) 1866% 1867 Concerning the war in Vietnam, Senator George Aiken of Vermont noted 1868in January, 1966, "I'm not very keen for doves or hawks. I think we need more 1869owls." 1870 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits" 1871% 1872 COONDOG MEMORY 1873 (heard in Rutledge, Missouri, about eighteen years ago) 1874 1875Now, this dog is for sale, and she can not only follow a trail twice as 1876old as the average dog can, but she's got a pretty good memory to boot. 1877For instance, last week this old boy who lives down the road from me, and 1878is forever stinkmouthing my hounds, brought some city fellow around to 1879try out ol' Sis here. So I turned her out south of the house and she made 1880two or three big swings back and forth across the edge of the woods, set 1881back her head, bayed a couple of times, cut straight through the woods, 1882come to a little clearing, jumped about three foot straight up in the air, 1883run to the other side, and commenced to letting out a racket like she had 1884something treed. We went over there with our flashlights and shone them 1885up in the tree but couldn't catch no shine offa coon's eyes, and my 1886neighbor sorta indicated that ol' Sis might be a little crazy, `cause she 1887stood right to the tree and kept singing up into it. So I pulled off my 1888coat and climbed up into the branches, and sure enough, there was a coon 1889skeleton wedged in between a couple of branches about twenty foot up. 1890Now as I was saying, she can follow a pretty old trail, but this fellow 1891was still calling her crazy or touched `cause she had hopped up in the 1892air while she was crossing the clearing, until I reminded him that the 1893Hawkins' had a fence across there about five years back. Now, this dog 1894is for sale. 1895 -- News that stayed News: Ten Years of Coevolution Quarterly 1896% 1897 Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. does not warrant that the 1898functions contained in the program will meet your requirements or that 1899the operation of the program will be uninterrupted or error-free. 1900 However, Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. warrants the 1901diskette(s) on which the program is furnished to be of black color and 1902square shape under normal use for a period of ninety (90) days from the 1903date of purchase. 1904 NOTE: IN NO EVENT WILL COSMOTRONIC SOFTWARE UNLIMITED OR ITS 1905DISTRIBUTORS AND THEIR DEALERS BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ANY DAMAGES, INCLUDING 1906ANY LOST PROFIT, LOST SAVINGS, LOST PATIENCE OR OTHER INCIDENTAL OR 1907CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES. 1908 -- Horstmann Software Design, the "ChiWriter" user manual 1909% 1910 Dallas Cowboys Official Schedule 1911 1912 Sept 14 Pasadena Junior High 1913 Sept 21 Boy Scout Troop 049 1914 Sept 28 Blind Academy 1915 Sept 30 World War I Veterans 1916 Oct 5 Brownie Scout Troop 041 1917 Oct 12 Sugarcreek High Cheerleaders 1918 Oct 26 St. Thomas Boys Choir 1919 Nov 2 Texas City Vet Clinic 1920 Nov 9 Korean War Amputees 1921 Nov 15 VA Hospital Polio Patients 1922% 1923 "Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll 1924be able to get over you -- so would you mind answering the phone?" 1925% 1926 "Darling," she whispered, "will you still love me after we are 1927married?" 1928 He considered this for a moment and then replied, "I think so. 1929I've always been especially fond of married women." 1930% 1931 Deck us all with Boston Charlie, 1932 Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo! 1933 Nora's freezin' on the trolley, 1934 Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo! 1935 1936 Don't we know archaic barrel, 1937 Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou. 1938 Trolley Molly don't love Harold, 1939 Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo! 1940 -- Pogo, "Deck Us All With Boston Charlie" 1941% 1942 "Do you think there's a God?" 1943 "Well, SOMEbody's out to get me!" 1944 -- Calvin and Hobbs 1945% 1946 Does anyone know how to get chocolate syrup and honey out of a 1947white electric blanket? I'm afraid to wash it in the machine. 1948 1949Thanks, Kathy. (front desk, x17) 1950 1951p.s. Also, anyone ever used Noxzema on friction burns? 1952 Or is Vaseline better? 1953% 1954 "Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly, 1955sincerely, extremely dangerously. 1956 They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs. 1957They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They used 1958intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used finks. 1959They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used fallaron. They 1960used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. They used the 1961bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. They used treachery. 1962They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. They used applied physics. 1963They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him. 1964 -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man" 1965% 1966 "Don't you think what we're doing is wrong?" 1967 "Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!" 1968 "Well, I've never done anything illegal before." 1969 "... I thought you said you were an accountant." 1970% 1971 Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes of Harvard Medical School inhaled ether 1972at a time when it was popularly supposed to produce such mystical or 1973"mind-expanding" experiences, much as LSD is supposed to produce such 1974experiences today. Here is his account of what happened: 1975 "I once inhaled a pretty full dose of ether, with the determination 1976to put on record, at the earliest moment of regaining consciousness, the 1977thought I should find uppermost in my mind. The mighty music of the triumphal 1978march into nothingness reverberated through my brain, and filled me with a 1979sense of infinite possibilities, which made me an archangel for a moment. 1980The veil of eternity was lifted. The one great truth which underlies all 1981human experience and is the key to all the mysteries that philosophy has 1982sought in vain to solve, flashed upon me in a sudden revelation. Henceforth 1983all was clear: a few words had lifted my intelligence to the level of the 1984knowledge of the cherubim. As my natural condition returned, I remembered 1985my resolution; and, staggering to my desk, I wrote, in ill-shaped, straggling 1986characters, the all-embracing truth still glimmering in my consciousness. 1987The words were these (children may smile; the wise will ponder): 1988`A strong smell of turpentine prevails throughout.'" 1989 -- The Consumers Union Report: Licit & Illicit Drugs 1990% 1991 During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife. She had 1992him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon. 1993 In another fight, the wife decked him with a heavy glass pitcher. 1994She's a woman who conks to stupor. 1995 Upon reading a story about a man who throttled his mother-in-law, a 1996man commented, "Sounds to me like a practical choker." 1997 It's not the initial skirt length, it's the upcreep. 1998 It's the theory of Jess Birnbaum, of Time magazine, that women with 1999bad legs should stick to long skirts because they cover a multitude of shins. 2000% 2001 During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen 2002were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a 2003red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, 2004"Hey, you almost hit my wife." 2005 "Did I?" cried the hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a 2006shot at mine, over there." 2007% 2008 Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles, 2009called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you 2010have been drinking. Electrons travel at the speed of light, which in 2011most American homes is 110 volts per hour. This is very fast. In the 2012time it has taken you to read this sentence so far, an electron could 2013have traveled all the way from San Francisco to Hackensack, New Jersey, 2014although God alone knows why it would want to. 2015 The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current, 2016direct current, lightning, static, and European. Most American homes 2017have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one 2018direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents 2019harmful electron buildup in the wires. 2020 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 2021% 2022 Eugene d'Albert, a noted German composer, was married six times. 2023At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife shortly 2024after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who said politely, 2025"Congratulations, Herr d'Albert; you have rarely introduced me to so 2026charming a wife." 2027% 2028 Everything is farther away than it used to be. It is even twice as 2029far to the corner and they have added a hill. I have given up running for 2030the bus; it leaves earlier than it used to. 2031 It seems to me they are making the stairs steeper than in the old 2032days. And have you noticed the smaller print they use in the newspapers? 2033 There is no sense in asking anyone to read aloud anymore, as everybody 2034speaks in such a low voice I can hardly hear them. 2035 The material in dresses is so skimpy now, especially around the hips 2036and waist, that it is almost impossible to reach one's shoelaces. And the 2037sizes don't run the way they used to. The 12's and 14's are so much smaller. 2038 Even people are changing. They are so much younger than they used to 2039be when I was their age. On the other hand people my age are so much older 2040than I am. 2041 I ran into an old classmate the other day and she has aged so much 2042that she didn't recognize me. 2043 I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair 2044this morning and in so doing I glanced at my own reflection. Really now, 2045they don't even make good mirrors like they used to. 2046 Sandy Frazier, "I Have Noticed" 2047% 2048 Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping 2049mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as 2050"Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you 2051how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence", 2052"Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night 2053So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc. 2054 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 2055% 2056 Exxon's "Universe of Energy" tends to the peculiar rather than the 2057humorous ... After [an incomprehensible film montage about wind and sun and 2058rain and strip mines and] two or three minutes of mechanical confusion, the 2059seats locomote through a short tunnel filled with clock-work dinosaurs. 2060The dinosaurs are depicted without accuracy and too close to your face. 2061 "One of the few real novelties at Epcot is the use of smell to 2062aggravate illusions. Of course, no one knows what dinosaurs smelled like, 2063but Exxon has decided they smelled bad. 2064 "At the other end of Dino Ditch ... there's a final, very addled 2065message about facing challengehood tomorrow-wise. I dozed off during this, 2066but the import seems to be that dinosaurs don't have anything to do with 2067energy policy and neither do you." 2068 -- P. J. O'Rourke, "Holidays in Hell" 2069% 2070 "Fantasies are free." 2071 "NO!! NO!! It's the thought police!!!!" 2072% 2073 Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each 2074other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around 2075the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors 2076d'oeuvres. 2077 Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes 2078to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your 2079Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright 2080piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres. 2081 Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with 2082inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down 2083other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and 2084placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when 2085the little hammers strike. 2086 Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over 2087their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning 2088Christmas tree. The piano is missing. 2089 2090 You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless 2091you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level 20924. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog. 2093% 2094 "For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence 2095of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind." 2096 2097 "Whose?" 2098 2099 "MINE! HA-HA!" 2100% 2101 "Found it," the Mouse replied rather crossly: 2102"of course you know what `it' means." 2103 2104 "I know what `it' means well enough, when I find a thing," 2105said the Duck: "it's generally a frog or a worm. 2106 2107The question is, what did the archbishop find?" 2108% 2109 Four Oxford dons were taking their evening walk together and as 2110usual, were engaged in casual but learned conversation. On this particular 2111evening, their conversation was about the names given to groups of animals, 2112such as a "pride of lions" or a "gaggle of geese." 2113 One of the professors noticed a group of prostitutes down the block, 2114and posed the question, "What name would be given to that group?" The four 2115fell into silence for a moment, as they pondered the possibilities... 2116 At last, one spoke: "How about `a Jam of Tarts'?" The others nodded 2117in acknowledgement as they continued to consider the problem. A second 2118professor spoke: "I'd suggest `an Essay of Trollops.'" Again, the others 2119nodded. A third spoke: "I propose `a Flourish of Strumpets.'" 2120 They continued their walk in silence, until the first professor 2121remarked to the remaining professor, who was the most senior and learned of 2122the four, "You haven't suggested a name for our ladies. What are your 2123thoughts?" 2124 Replied the fourth professor, "`An Anthology of Prose.'" 2125% 2126 Fred noticed his roommate had a black eye upon returning from a dance. 2127"What happened?" 2128 "I was struck by the beauty of the place." 2129% 2130 Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their 2131engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who 2132was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy 2133and sarcastic?" 2134 "Of course not," said a sympathetic friend. 2135 "Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer." 2136% 2137 "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at Morse Science High has an 2138extracurricular activity except you." 2139 "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?" 2140 "Only to ten, Mudhead." 2141 -- The Firesign Theatre 2142% 2143 "Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning 2144to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this 2145beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a 2146dark prison cell? Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little 2147apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours 2148in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?" 2149% 2150 God decided to take the devil to court and settle their 2151differences once and for all. 2152 When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just 2153where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?" 2154% 2155 Graduating seniors, parents and friends... 2156 Let me begin by reassuring you that my remarks today will stand up 2157to the most stringent requirements of the new appropriateness. 2158 The intra-college sensitivity advisory committee has vetted the 2159text of even trace amounts of subconscious racism, sexism and classism. 2160 Moreover, a faculty panel of deconstructionists have reconfigured 2161the rhetorical components within a post-structuralist framework, so as to 2162expunge any offensive elements of western rationalism and linear logic. 2163 Finally, all references flowing from a white, male, eurocentric 2164perspective have been eliminated, as have any other ruminations deemed 2165denigrating to the political consensus of the moment. 2166 2167 Thank you and good luck. 2168 -- Doonesbury, the University Chancellor's graduation speech. 2169% 2170 GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY #21 -- July 30, 1917 2171 2172On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then- 2173Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought them 2174off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought I 2175wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from his 2176mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a 2177tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men 2178stood lookout. 2179% 2180 Hack placidly amidst the noisy printers and remember what prizes there 2181may be in Science. As fast as possible get a good terminal on a good system. 2182Enter your data clearly but always encrypt your results. And listen to others, 2183even the dull and ignorant, for they may be your customers. Avoid loud and 2184aggressive persons, for they are sales reps. 2185 If you compare your outputs with those of others, you may be surprised, 2186for always there will be greater and lesser numbers than you have crunched. 2187Keep others interested in your career, and try not to fumble; it can be a real 2188hassle and could change your fortunes in time. 2189 Exercise system control in your experiments, for the world is full of 2190bugs. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive 2191for linearity and everywhere papers are full of approximations. Strive for 2192proportionality. Especially, do not faint when it occurs. Neither be cyclical 2193about results; for in the face of all data analysis it is sure to be noticed. 2194 Take with a grain of salt the anomalous data points. Gracefully pass 2195them on to the youth at the next desk. Nurture some mutual funds to shield 2196you in times of sudden layoffs. But do not distress yourself with imaginings 2197-- the real bugs are enough to screw you badly. Murphy's Law runs the 2198Universe -- and whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt <Curl>B*n dS = 0. 2199 Therefore, grab for a piece of the pie, with whatever proposals you 2200can conceive of to try. With all the crashed disks, skewed data, and broken 2201line printers, you can still have a beautiful secretary. Be linear. Strive 2202to stay employed. 2203 -- Technolorata, "Analog" 2204% 2205 "Haig, in congressional hearings before his confirmatory, paradoxed 2206his audiencers by abnormaling his responds so that verbs were nouned, nouns 2207verbed, and adjectives adverbised. He techniqued a new way to vocabulary his 2208thoughts so as to informationally uncertain anybody listening about what he 2209had actually implicationed. 2210 "If that is how General Haig wants to nervous breakdown the Russian 2211leadership, he may be shrewding his way to the biggest diplomatic invent 2212since Clausewitz. Unless, that is, he schizophrenes his allies first." 2213 -- The Guardian 2214% 2215 Hardware met Software on the road to Changtse. Software said: "You 2216are the Yin and I am the Yang. If we travel together we will become famous 2217and earn vast sums of money." And so the pair set forth together, thinking 2218to conquer the world. 2219 Presently, they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rags, and 2220hobbled along propped on a thorny stick. Firmware said to them: "The Tao 2221lies beyond Yin and Yang. It is silent and still as a pool of water. It does 2222not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence. It does not seek fortune, 2223for it is complete within itself. It exists beyond space and time." 2224 Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes. 2225 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 2226% 2227 Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home 2228from the club to an irate, ranting wife. 2229 "I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly. "You 2230promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost 2231nine. It just can't take that long to play 18 holes of golf." 2232 "Honey, wait," said Harry. "Let me explain. I know what I promised 2233you, but I have a very good reason for being late. Fred and I tee'd off 2234right on time and everything was find for the first three holes. Then, on 2235the fourth tee Fred had a stroke. I ran back to the clubhouse but couldn't 2236find a doctor. And, by the time I got back to Fred, he was dead. So, for 2237the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred... 2238% 2239 Harry constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism. 2240No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have 2241been worse." 2242 To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a 2243situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no 2244hope in it. Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said, 2245"Harry! Did you hear what happened to George? He came home last night, 2246found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned 2247the gun on himself!" 2248 "Terrible," said Harry. "But it could have been worse." 2249 "How in hell," demanded his dumbfounded friend, "could it possibly 2250have been worse?" 2251 "Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be 2252dead right now." 2253% 2254 "Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?" 2255 "Yes; I don't have one." 2256 "Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors..." 2257 -- E. D'Azevedo, CS, University of Washington 2258% 2259 "Have you lived here all your life?" 2260 "Oh, twice that long." 2261% 2262 "Hawk, we're going to die." 2263 "Never say die... and certainly never say we." 2264 -- M*A*S*H 2265% 2266 He had been bitten by a dog, but didn't give it much thought 2267until he noticed that the wound was taking a remarkably long time to 2268heal. Finally, he consulted a doctor who took one look at it and 2269ordered the dog brought in. Just as he had suspected, the dog had 2270rabies. Since it was too late to give the patient serum, the doctor 2271felt he had to prepare him for the worst. The poor man sat down at the 2272doctor's desk and began to write. His physician tried to comfort him. 2273"Perhaps it won't be so bad," he said. "You needn't make out your will 2274right now." 2275 "I'm not making out any will," relied the man. "I'm just writing 2276out a list of people I'm going to bite!" 2277% 2278 ...He who laughs does not believe in what he laughs at, but neither 2279does he hate it. Therefore, laughing at evil means not preparing oneself to 2280combat it, and laughing at good means denying the power through which good is 2281self-propagating. 2282 -- Umberto Eco, "The Name of the Rose" 2283% 2284 He who receives ideas from me, receives instruction himself without 2285lessening mine; as he who lights his taper at mine receives light 2286without darkening me. 2287 -- Thomas Jefferson on patents on ideas 2288% 2289 "Heard you were moving your piano, so I came over to help." 2290 "Thanks. Got it upstairs already." 2291 "Do it alone?" 2292 "Nope. Hitched the cat to it." 2293 "How would that help?" 2294 "Used a whip." 2295% 2296 "Hello, Mrs. Premise!" 2297 "Oh, hello, Mrs. Conclusion! Busy day?" 2298 "Busy? I just spent four hours burying the cat." 2299 "Four hours to bury a cat!?" 2300 "Yes, he wouldn't keep still: wrigglin' about, 'owlin'..." 2301 "Oh, it's not dead then." 2302 "Oh no, no, but it's not at all a well cat, and as we're 2303goin' away for a fortnight I thought I'd better bury it just to be 2304on the safe side." 2305 "Quite right. You don't want to come back from Sorrento 2306to a dead cat, do you?" 2307 -- Monty Python 2308% 2309 "Hey, Sam, how about a loan?" 2310 "Whattaya need?" 2311 "Oh, about $500." 2312 "Whattaya got for collateral?" 2313 "Whattaya need?" 2314 "How about an eye?" 2315 -- Sam Giancana 2316% 2317 "Hmm, lots of people seem to be confused about the difference 2318between amd64 and ia64." 2319 "Obviously they've never had an ia64 drop on their foot. They'd 2320know the difference then." 2321 -- Peter Wemm explains CPU architecture 2322% 2323 Home centers are designed for the do-it-yourselfer who's 2324willing to pay higher prices for the convenience of being able to shop 2325for lumber, hardware, and toasters all in one location. Notice I say 2326"shop for", as opposed to "obtain". This is the major drawback of home 2327centers: they are always out of everything except artificial Christmas 2328trees. The home center employees have no time to reorder merchandise 2329because they are too busy applying little price stickers to every 2330object -- every board, washer, nail and screw -- in the entire store ... 2331 Let's say a piece in your toilet tank breaks, so you remove the 2332broken part, take it to the home center, and ask an employee if he has 2333a replacement. The employee, who has never is his life even seen the 2334inside of a toilet tank, will peer at the broken part in very much the 2335same way that a member of a primitive Amazon jungle tribe would look at 2336an electronic calculator, and then say, "We're expecting a shipment of 2337these sometime around the middle of next week". 2338 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 2339% 2340 "How did you spend the weekend?" asked the pretty brunette secretary 2341of her blonde companion. 2342 "Fishing through the ice," she replied. 2343 "Fishing through the ice? Whatever for?" 2344 "Olives." 2345% 2346 "How do you know she is a unicorn?" Molly demanded. "And why 2347were you afraid to let her touch you? I saw you. You were afraid of her." 2348 "I doubt that I will feel like talking for very long," the cat 2349replied without rancor. "I would not waste time in foolishness if I were 2350you. As to your first question, no cat out of its first fur can ever be 2351deceived by appearances. Unlike human beings, who enjoy them. As for your 2352second question --" Here he faltered, and suddenly became very interested 2353in washing; nor would he speak until he had licked himself fluffy and then 2354licked himself smooth again. Even then he would not look at Molly, but 2355examined his claws. 2356 "If she had touched me," he said very softly, "I would have been 2357hers and not my own, not ever again." 2358 -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn" 2359% 2360 "How many people work here?" 2361 "Oh, about half." 2362% 2363 How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are 23643.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand, 2365who could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a 2366nanocentury. 2367 -- Tom Duff, Bell Labs 2368% 2369 "How would I know if I believe in love at first sight?" the sexy 2370social climber said to her roommate. "I mean, I've never seen a Porsche 2371full of money before." 2372% 2373 "How'd you get that flat?" 2374 "Ran over a bottle." 2375 "Didn't you see it?" 2376 "Damn kid had it under his coat." 2377% 2378 Human thinking can skip over a great deal, leap over small 2379misunderstandings, can contain ifs and buts in untroubled corners of 2380the mind. But the machine has no corners. Despite all the attempts to 2381see the computer as a brain, the machine has no foreground or 2382background. It can be programmed to behave as if it were working with 2383uncertainty, but -- underneath, at the code, at the circuits -- it 2384cannot simultaneously do something and withhold for later something that 2385remains unknown. In the painstaking working out of the specification, 2386line by code line, the programmer confronts an awful, inevitable truth: 2387The ways of human and machine understanding are disjunct. 2388 -- Ellen Ullman, "Close to the Machine" 2389% 2390 "I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into 2391the phone. "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information." 2392 "Who was that?" his young wife asked. 2393 "Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear." 2394% 2395 "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frito Bugger in a 2396quavering voice. 2397 "No," said GoodGulf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of 2398course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which 2399I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in 2400Elven-lore: 2401 2402 "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves, 2403 Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves. 2404 Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop, 2405 This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop. 2406 The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring. 2407 The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing. 2408 If broken or busted, it cannot be remade. 2409 If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)." 2410 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 2411% 2412 I did some heavy research so as to be prepared for "Mommy, why is 2413the sky blue?" 2414 HE asked me about black holes in space. 2415 (There's a hole *where*?) 2416 2417 I boned up to be ready for, "Why is the grass green?" 2418 HE wanted to discuss nature's food chains. 2419 (Well, let's see, there's ShopRite, Pathmark...) 2420 2421 I talked about Choo-Choo trains. 2422 HE talked internal combustion engines. 2423 (The INTERNAL COMBUSTION ENGINE said, "I think I can, I think I can.") 2424 2425 I was delighted with the video game craze, thinking we could compete 2426as equals. 2427 HE described the complexities of the microchips required to create 2428the graphics. 2429 2430 Then puberty struck. Ah, adolescence. 2431 HE said, "Mom, I just don't understand women." 2432 (Gotcha!) 2433 -- Betty LiBrizzi, "The Care and Feeding of a Gifted Child" 2434% 2435 I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because 2436we use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently 2437leads to violence. What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say, 2438in traffic, is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had 2439time to think of witty and learned insults or look them up in the 2440library, we could call each other up: 2441 You: Hello? Bob? 2442 Bob: Yes? 2443 You: This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space you 2444 took last Thursday? Outside of Sears? 2445 Bob: Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed? 2446 You: Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is: 2447 "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..." No, wait. 2448 I mean: "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill 2449 and ..." No, wait. (Sound of reference book thudding onto 2450 the floor.) S-word. Excuse me. Look, Bob, I'm going to 2451 have to get back to you. 2452 Bob: Fine. 2453 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" 2454% 2455 "I don't know what you mean by `glory,'" Alice said 2456 Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't -- 2457till I tell you. I meant `there's a nice knock-down argument for 2458you!'" 2459 "But glory doesn't mean `a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice 2460objected. 2461 "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful 2462tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor 2463less." 2464 "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean 2465so many different things." 2466 "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master-- 2467that's all." 2468 -- Lewis Carroll, 2469 "Through the Looking-Glass, 2470 and What Alice Found There" (1871) 2471% 2472 I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the 2473accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For 2474the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that 2475can't be measured in monetary terms. 2476 Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to 2477have that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came 2478by subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot 2479should someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly 2480understand his long delay. 2481% 2482 I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me. 2483I pushed "1" and he just stood there. I said "Hi, where you going?" 2484 He said, "Phoenix." So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later 2485the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... we were in downtown Phoenix. 2486 I looked at him and said "You know, you're the kind of guy I 2487want to hang around with." We got into his car and drove out to his 2488shack in the desert. 2489 Then the phone rang. He said "You get it." 2490 I picked it up and said "Hello?" 2491 The other side said "Is this Steven Wright?" 2492 I said "Yes..." 2493 The guy said "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from 2494your bank. It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the 2495university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we 2496loaned you. We would just like to know what happened to the money?" 2497 I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all 2498of the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear weapon... 2499and I would appreciate it you never called me again." 2500 -- Steven Wright 2501% 2502 "I have examined Bogota," he said, "and the case is clearer to me. 2503I think very probably he might be cured." 2504 "That is what I have always hoped," said old Yacob. 2505 "His brain is affected," said the blind doctor. 2506 The elders murmured assent. 2507 "Now, what affects it?" 2508 "Ah!" said old Yacob. 2509 "This," said the doctor, answering his own question. "Those queer 2510things that are called the eyes, and which exist to make an agreeable soft 2511depression in the face, are diseased, in the case of Bogota, in such a way 2512as to affect his brain. They are greatly distended, he has eyelashes, and 2513his eyelids move, and consequently his brain is in a state of constant 2514irritation and distraction." 2515 "Yes?" said old Yacob. "Yes?" 2516 "And I think I may say with reasonable certainty that, in order 2517to cure him completely, all that we need do is a simple and easy surgical 2518operation - namely, to remove those irritant bodies." 2519 "And then he will be sane?" 2520 "Then he will be perfectly sane, and a quite admirable citizen." 2521 "Thank heaven for science!" said old Yacob. 2522 -- H. G. Wells, "The Country of the Blind" 2523% 2524 "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." 2525 "Did you ever see a doctor?" 2526 "No, just spots." 2527% 2528 I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradictions to the sentiments 2529of others, and all positive assertion of my own. I even forbade myself the use 2530of every word or expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion, such 2531as "certainly", "undoubtedly", etc. I adopted instead of them "I conceive", 2532"I apprehend", or "I imagine" a thing to be so or so; or "so it appears to me 2533at present". 2534 When another asserted something that I thought an error, I denied 2535myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and of showing him 2536immediately some absurdity in his proposition. In answering I began by 2537observing that in certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right, 2538but in the present case there appeared or seemed to me some difference, etc. 2539 I soon found the advantage of this change in my manner; the 2540conversations I engaged in went on more pleasantly. The modest way in which I 2541proposed my opinions procured them a readier reception and less contradiction. 2542I had less mortification when I was found to be in the wrong, and I more easily 2543prevailed with others to give up their mistakes and join with me when I 2544happened to be in the right. 2545 -- Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin 2546% 2547 I managed to say, "Sorry," and no more. I knew that he disliked 2548me to cry. 2549 This time he said, watching me, "On some occasions it is better 2550to weep." 2551 I put my head down on the table and sobbed, "If only she could come 2552back; I would be nice." 2553 Francis said, "You gave her great pleasure always." 2554 "Oh, not enough." 2555 "Nobody can give anybody enough." 2556 "Not ever?" 2557 "No, not ever. But one must go on trying." 2558 "And doesn't one ever value people until they are gone?" 2559 "Rarely," said Francis. I went on weeping; I saw how little I had 2560valued him; how little I had valued anything that was mine. 2561 -- Pamela Frankau, "The Duchess and the Smugs" 2562% 2563 I paid a visit to my local precinct in Greenwich Village and 2564asked a sergeant to show me some rape statistics. He politely obliged. 2565That month there had been thirty-five rape complaints, an advance of ten 2566over the same month for the previous year. The precinct had made two 2567arrests. 2568 "Not a very impressive record," I offered. 2569 "Don't worry about it," the sergeant assured me. "You know what 2570these complaints represent?" 2571 "What do they represent?" I asked. 2572 "Prostitutes who didn't get their money," he said firmly, 2573closing the book. 2574 -- Susan Brownmiller, "Against Our Will" 2575% 2576 [I plan] to see, hear, touch, and destroy everything in my path, 2577including beets, rutabagas, and most random vegetables, but excluding yams, 2578as I am absolutely terrified of yams... 2579 Actually, I think my fear of yams began in my early youth, when many 2580of my young comrades pelted me with same for singing songs of far-off lands 2581and deep blue seas in a language closely resembling that of the common sow. 2582My psychosis was further impressed into my soul as I reached adolescence, 2583when, while skipping through a field of yams, light-heartedly tossing flowers 2584into the stratosphere, a great yam-picking machine tore through the fields, 2585pursuing me to the edge of the great plantation, where I escaped by diving 2586into a great ditch filled with a mixture of water and pig manure, which may 2587explain my tendency to scream, "Here come the Martians! Hide the eggs!" every 2588time I have pork. But I digress. The fact remains that I cannot rationally 2589deal with yams, and pigs are terrible conversationalists. 2590% 2591 "I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of 2592that is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put 2593more simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it 2594might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not 2595otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be 2596otherwise.'" 2597 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865) 2598% 2599 I said, "Preacher, give me strength for round 5." 2600 He said, "What you need is to grow up, son." 2601 I said, "Growin' up leads to growin' old, And then to dying, and 2602to me that don't sound like much fun. 2603 -- John Cougar, "The Authority Song" 2604% 2605 "I suppose you expect me to talk." 2606 "No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die." 2607 -- Goldfinger 2608% 2609 "I think he said 'Blessed are the cheesemakers.'" 2610 "Nonsense, he was obviously referring to all manufacturers of 2611dairy products." 2612 -- The Life of Brian 2613% 2614 "I thought you were trying to get into shape." 2615 "I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle." 2616% 2617 I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said, 2618"What'll you have, Bud"? 2619 I said," I don't know, surprise me". 2620 So he showed me a nude picture of my wife. 2621 -- Rodney Dangerfield 2622% 2623 If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction. 2624 On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, 2625that is also a psychological interaction. 2626 The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not 2627so friendly. 2628 The crucial point is if you can tell which is which. 2629 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" 2630% 2631 If the tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the 2632operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler 2633is great, then the application is great. If the application is great, then 2634the user is pleased and there is harmony in the world. 2635 The tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth 2636to the assembler. 2637 The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand 2638languages. 2639 Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language 2640expresses the yin and yang of software. Each language has its place within 2641the tao. 2642 But do not program in Cobol or Fortran if you can help it. 2643% 2644 If you do your best the rest of the way, that takes care of 2645everything. When we get to October 2, we'll add up the wins, and then 2646we'll either all go into the playoffs, or we'll all go home and play golf. 2647 Both those things sound pretty good to me. 2648 -- Sparky Anderson 2649% 2650 If you rap your knuckles against a window jamb or door, if you 2651brush your leg against a bed or desk, if you catch your foot in a curled- 2652up corner of a rug, or strike a toe against a desk or chair, go back and 2653repeat the sequence. 2654 You will find yourself surprised how far off course you were to 2655hit that window jamb, that door, that chair. Get back on course and do it 2656again. How can you pilot a spacecraft if you can't find your way around 2657your own apartment? 2658 -- William S. Burroughs 2659% 2660 If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs 2661around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace 2662explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The 2663"professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on the sides and 2664deposits a large quantity of tools and two assistants who spend the 2665better part of the week in your basement whacking objects at random 2666with heavy wrenches, after which the "professional" returns and gives 2667you a bill for slightly more money than it would cost you to run a 2668successful campaign for the U.S. Senate. 2669 And that's why you've decided to start doing things yourself. 2670You figure, "If those guys can fix my furnace, then so can I. How 2671difficult can it be?" 2672 Very difficult. In fact, most home projects are impossible, 2673which is why you should do them yourself. There is no point in paying 2674other people to screw things up when you can easily screw them up 2675yourself for far less money. This article can help you. 2676 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 2677% 2678 "I'll tell you what I know, then," he decided. "The pin I'm wearing 2679means I'm a member of the IA. That's Inamorati Anonymous. An inamorato is 2680somebody in love. That's the worst addiction of all." 2681 "Somebody is about to fall in love," Oedipa said, "you go sit with 2682them, or something?" 2683 "Right. The whole idea is to get where you don't need it. I was 2684lucky. I kicked it young. But there are sixty-year-old men, believe it or 2685not, and women even older, who might wake up in the night screaming." 2686 "You hold meetings, then, like the AA?" 2687 "No, of course not. You get a phone number, an answering service 2688you can call. Nobody knows anybody else's name; just the number in case 2689it gets so bad you can't handle it alone. We're isolates, Arnold. Meetings 2690would destroy the whole point of it." 2691 -- Thomas Pynchon, "The Crying of Lot 49" 2692% 2693 "I'm looking for adventure, excitement, beautiful women," cried the 2694young man to his father as he prepared to leave home. "Don't try to stop me. 2695I'm on my way." 2696 "Who's trying to stop you?" shouted the father. "Take me along!" 2697% 2698 I'm sure that VMS is completely documented, I just haven't found the 2699right manual yet. I've been working my way through the manuals in the document 2700library and I'm half way through the second cabinet, (3 shelves to go), so I 2701should find what I'm looking for by mid May. I hope I can remember what it 2702was by the time I find it. 2703 I had this idea for a new horror film, "VMS Manuals from Hell" or maybe 2704"The Paper Chase: IBM vs. DEC". It's based on Hitchcock's "The Birds", except 2705that it's centered around a programmer who is attacked by a swarm of binder 2706pages with an index number and the single line "This page intentionally left 2707blank." 2708 -- Alex Crain 2709% 2710 "I'm terribly sorry, sir," the novice barber apologized, after 2711badly nicking a customer. "Let me wrap your head in a towel." 2712 "That's all right," said the customer. "I'll just take it home 2713under my arm." 2714% 2715 In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi, 2716Junior, what are you up to?" 2717 "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the 2718rabbit. 2719 "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible! No one 2720will publish such rubbish!" 2721 "Well, follow me and I'll show you." 2722 They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while the 2723rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face. 2724 Comes along a wolf. "Hello, what are we doing these days?" 2725 "I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits 2726devour wolves." 2727 "Are you crazy? Where is your academic honesty?" 2728 "Come with me and I'll show you." As before, the rabbit comes 2729out with a satisfied look on his face and a diploma in his paw. 2730Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave and, as everybody 2731should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge lion sitting 2732next to some bloody and furry remnants of the wolf and the fox. 2733 2734 The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are 2735important -- it's your PhD advisor that really counts. 2736% 2737 In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to 2738his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's 2739kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment 2740was expressed by Thomas K. Connellan, president of The Management Group, Inc. 2741Speaking to business executives in Chicago and quoted in Automotive News, 2742Connellan attributed a measure of America's falling productivity to an excess 2743of attorneys and accountants, and a dearth of production experts. Lawyers 2744and accountants "do not make the economic pie any bigger; they only figure 2745out how the pie gets divided. Neither profession provides any added value 2746to product." 2747 According to Connellan, the highly productive Japanese society has 274810 lawyers and 30 accountants per 100,000 population. The U.S. has 200 2749lawyers and 700 accountants. This suggests that "the U.S. proportion of 2750pie-bakers and pie-dividers is way out of whack." Could Dick Butcher have 2751been an efficiency expert? 2752 -- Motor Trend, May 1983 2753% 2754 In the beginning, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be 2755mud." 2756 And there was mud. 2757 And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud 2758can see what we have done." 2759 And God created every living creature that now moveth, and one was 2760man. Mud-as-man alone could speak. 2761 "What is the purpose of all this?" man asked politely. 2762 "Everything must have a purpose?" asked God. 2763 "Certainly," said man. 2764 "Then I leave it to you to think of one for all of this," said God. 2765 And He went away. 2766 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Between Time and Timbuktu" 2767% 2768 In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and 2769null, and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of 2770IBM was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there 2771be registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they 2772carried; and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called 2773the data Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was 2774evening and there was morning, one interrupt. 2775 -- Rico Tudor, "The Story of Creation or, The Myth of Urk" 2776% 2777 In the beginning there was only one kind of Mathematician, created by 2778the Great Mathematical Spirit form the Book: the Topologist. And they grew to 2779large numbers and prospered. 2780 One day they looked up in the heavens and desired to reach up as far 2781as the eye could see. So they set out in building a Mathematical edifice that 2782was to reach up as far as "up" went. Further and further up they went ... 2783until one night the edifice collapsed under the weight of paradox. 2784 The following morning saw only rubble where there once was a huge 2785structure reaching to the heavens. One by one, the Mathematicians climbed 2786out from under the rubble. It was a miracle that nobody was killed; but when 2787they began to speak to one another, SURPRISE of all surprises! they could not 2788understand each other. They all spoke different languages. They all fought 2789amongst themselves and each went about their own way. To this day the 2790Topologists remain the original Mathematicians. 2791 -- The Story of Babel 2792% 2793 In the beginning was the Tao. The Tao gave birth to Space and Time. 2794Therefore, Space and Time are the Yin and Yang of programming. 2795 2796 Programmers that do not comprehend the Tao are always running out of 2797time and space for their programs. Programmers that comprehend the Tao always 2798have enough time and space to accomplish their goals. 2799 How could it be otherwise? 2800 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 2801% 2802 In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he 2803sat hacking at the PDP-6. 2804 "What are you doing?", asked Minsky. 2805 "I am training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe." 2806 "Why is the net wired randomly?", inquired Minsky. 2807 "I do not want it to have any preconceptions of how to play". 2808 At this Minsky shut his eyes, and Sussman asked his teacher "Why do 2809you close your eyes?" 2810 "So that the room will be empty." 2811 At that moment, Sussman was enlightened. 2812% 2813 In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish. It 2814changes into a bird whose wings are like clouds filling the sky. When this 2815bird moves across the land, it brings a message from Corporate Headquarters. 2816This message it drops into the midst of the programmers, like a seagull 2817making its mark upon the beach. Then the bird mounts on the wind and, with 2818the blue sky at its back, returns home. 2819 The novice programmer stares in wonder at the bird, for he understands 2820it not. The average programmer dreads the coming of the bird, for he fears 2821its message. The master programmer continues to work at his terminal, for he 2822does not know that the bird has come and gone. 2823 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 2824% 2825 In the morning, laughing, happy fish heads 2826 In the evening, floating in the soup. 2827(chorus): 2828Fish heads, fish heads, roly-poly fish heads; 2829Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up. Yum! 2830 You can ask them anything you want to. 2831 They won't answer; they can't talk. 2832(chorus): 2833 I took a fish head out to see a movie, 2834 Didn't have to pay to get it in. 2835(chorus): 2836 They can't play baseball; they don't wear sweaters; 2837 They aren't good dancers; they can't play drums. 2838(chorus): 2839 Roly-poly fish heads are NEVER seen drinking cappuccino in 2840 Italian restaurants with Oriental women. 2841(chorus): 2842 Fishy! 2843(chorus): 2844 -- Barnes & Barnes, "Fish Heads" 2845% 2846 "In this replacement Earth we're building they've given me Africa 2847to do and of course I'm doing it with all fjords again because I happen to 2848like them, and I'm old-fashioned enough to think that they give a lovely 2849baroque feel to a continent. And they tell me it's not equatorial enough. 2850Equatorial!" He gave a hollow laugh. "What does it matter? Science has 2851achieved some wonderful things, of course, but I'd far rather be happy than 2852right any day." 2853 "And are you?" 2854 "No. That's where it all falls down, of course." 2855 "Pity," said Arthur with sympathy. "It sounded like quite a good 2856life-style otherwise." 2857 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 2858% 2859 In what can only be described as a surprise move, God has officially 2860announced His candidacy for the U.S. presidency. During His press conference 2861today, the first in over 4000 years, He is quoted as saying, "I think I have 2862a chance for the White House if I can just get my campaign pulled together 2863in time. I'd like to get this country turned around; I mean REALLY turned 2864around! Let's put Florida up north for awhile, and let's get rid of all 2865those annoying mountains and rivers. I never could stand them!" 2866 There apparently is still some controversy over the Almighty's 2867citizenship and other qualifications for the Presidency. God replied to 2868these charges by saying, "Come on, would the United States have anyone other 2869than a citizen bless their country?" 2870% 2871 "Is there any point to which you would wish to draw my attention?" 2872 "To the curious incident of the dog in the night-time." 2873 "The dog did nothing in the night-time." 2874 "That was the curious incident," remarked Sherlock Holmes. 2875% 2876 It is a period of system war. User programs, striking from a hidden 2877directory, have won their first victory against the evil Administrative Empire. 2878During the battle, User spies managed to steal secret source code to the 2879Empire's ultimate program: the Are-Em Star, a privileged root program with 2880enough power to destroy an entire file structure. Pursued by the Empire's 2881sinister audit trail, Princess _LPA0 races ~ aboard her shell script, 2882custodian of the stolen listings that could save her people, and restore 2883freedom and games to the network... 2884 -- DECWARS 2885% 2886 It is a profoundly erroneous truism, repeated by all copy-books and 2887by eminent people when they are making speeches, that we should cultivate 2888the habit of thinking about what we are doing. The precise opposite is the 2889case. Civilization advances by extending the numbers of important operations 2890which we can perform without thinking about them. Operations of thought are 2891like cavalry charges in battle -- they are strictly limited in number, they 2892require fresh horses, and must only be made at decisive moments. 2893 -- Alfred North Whitehead 2894% 2895 It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will 2896not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves and 2897because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like mature 2898human beings. 2899 The worst kind of friend to take home is a girl, because in that case, 2900there is the potential that your parents will lose you not just for the 2901duration of the visit but forever. The worst kind of girl to take home is one 2902of a different religion: Not only will you be lost to your parents forever but 2903you will be lost to a woman who is immune to their religious/moral arguments 2904and whose example will irretrievably corrupt you. 2905 Let's say you've fallen in love with just such a girl and would like 2906to take her home for the holidays. You are aware of your parents' xenophobic 2907response to anyone of a different religion. How to prepare them for the shock? 2908 Simple. Call them up shortly before your visit and tell them that you 2909have gotten quite serious about somebody who is of a different religion, a 2910different race and the same sex. Tell them you have already invited this 2911person to meet them. Give the information a moment to sink in and then 2912remark that you were only kidding, that your lover is merely of a different 2913religion. They will be so relieved they will welcome her with open arms. 2914 -- Playboy, January, 1983 2915% 2916 It is either through the influence of narcotic potions, of which all 2917primitive peoples and races speak in hymns, or through the powerful approach 2918of spring, penetrating with joy all of nature, that those Dionysian stirrings 2919arise, which in their intensification lead the individual to forget himself 2920completely. ... Not only does the bond between man and man come to be forged 2921once again by the magic of the Dionysian rite, but alienated, hostile, or 2922subjugated nature again celebrates her reconciliation with her prodigal son, 2923man. 2924 -- Friedrich Nietzsche, "The Birth of Tragedy" 2925% 2926 It seems there's this magician working one of the luxury cruise ships 2927for a few years. He doesn't have to change his routines much as the audiences 2928change over fairly often, and he's got a good life. The only problem is the 2929ship's parrot, who perches in the hall and watches him night after night, year 2930after year. Finally, the parrot figures out how almost every trick works and 2931starts giving it away for the audience. For example, when the magician makes 2932a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squawks "Behind his back! Behind 2933his back!" Well, the magician is really annoyed at this, but there's not much 2934he can do about it as the parrot is a ship's mascot and very popular with the 2935passengers. 2936 One night, the ship strikes some floating debris, and sinks without 2937a trace. Almost everyone aboard was lost, except for the magician and the 2938parrot. For three days and nights they just drift, with the magician clinging 2939to one end of a piece of driftwood and the parrot perched on the other end. 2940As the sun rises on the morning of the fourth day, the parrot walks over to 2941the magician's end of the log. With obvious disgust in his voice, he snaps 2942"OK, you win, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?" 2943% 2944 It seems these two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air 2945balloon to cross the United States. After forty hours in the air, George 2946turned to Harry, and said, "Harry, I think we've drifted off course! We 2947need to find out where we are." 2948 Harry cools the air in the balloon, and they descend to below the 2949cloud cover. Slowly drifting over the countryside, George spots a man 2950standing below them and yells out, "Excuse me! Can you please tell me 2951where we are?" 2952 The man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon, approximately 2953fifty feet in the air!" 2954 George turns to Harry and says, "Well, that man *must* be a lawyer". 2955 Replies Harry, "How can you tell?". 2956 "Because the information he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally 2957useless!" 2958 2959That's the end of The Joke, but for you people who are still worried about 2960George and Harry: they end up in the drink, and make the front page of the 2961New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer". 2962% 2963 It took 300 years to build and by the time it was 10% built, 2964everyone knew it would be a total disaster. But by then the investment 2965was so big they felt compelled to go on. Since its completion, it has 2966cost a fortune to maintain and is still in danger of collapsing. 2967 There are at present no plans to replace it, since it was never 2968really needed in the first place. 2969 I expect every installation has its own pet software which is 2970analogous to the above. 2971 -- K. E. Iverson, on the Leaning Tower of Pisa 2972% 2973 It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east 2974laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The 2975thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, 2976nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying 2977for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's. 2978 Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating 2979under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting 2980icepacks. 2981 -- The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 2982% 2983 "It's a summons." 2984 "What's a summons?" 2985 "It means summon's in trouble." 2986 -- Rocky and Bullwinkle 2987% 2988 "It's today!" said Piglet. 2989 "My favorite day," said Pooh. 2990% 2991 Jacek, a Polish schoolboy, is told by his teacher that he has 2992been chosen to carry the Polish flag in the May Day parade. 2993 "Why me?" whines the boy. "Three years ago I carried the flag 2994when Brezhnev was the Secretary; then I carried the flag when it was 2995Andropov's turn, and again when Chernenko was in the Kremlin. Why is 2996it always me, teacher?" 2997 "Because, Jacek, you have such golden hands," the teacher 2998explains. 2999 3000 -- being told in Poland, 1987 3001% 3002 Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of 3003her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit 3004the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her 3005way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly 3006begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her 3007stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. 3008 "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of 3009the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't 3010mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your 3011wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." 3012 "What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one 3013can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." 3014 "Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on 3015the dining room skylight." 3016% 3017 Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she 3018lived with was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always 3019getting pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to 3020the farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their 3021sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do 3022you think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her? 3023What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead 3024of every week. What with all the time these people spent pinned under 3025the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops whatsoever. 3026They probably got by on federal crop supports, which Lassie filed the 3027applications for. 3028 -- Dave Barry 3029% 3030 Leslie West heads for the sticks, to Providence, Rhode Island and 3031tries to hide behind a beard. No good. There are still too many people 3032and too many stares, always taunting, always smirking. He moves to the 3033outskirts of town. He finds a place to live -- huge mansion, dirt cheap, 3034caretaker included. He plugs in his guitar and plays as loud as he wants, 3035day and night, and there's no one to laugh or boo or even look bored. 3036 Nobody's cut the grass in months. What's happened to that caretaker? 3037What neighborhood people there are start to talk, and what kids there are 3038start to get curious. A 13 year-old blond with an angelic face misses supper. 3039Before the summer's end, four more teenagers have disappeared. The senior 3040class president, Barnard-bound come autumn, tells Mom she's going out to a 3041movie one night and stays out. The town's up in arms, but just before the 3042police take action, the kids turn up. They've found a purpose. They go 3043home for their stuff and tell the folks not to worry but they'll be going 3044now. They're in a band. 3045 -- Ira Kaplan 3046% 3047 Listen, Tyrone, you don't know how dangerous that stuff is. 3048Suppose someday you just plug in and go away and never come back? Eh? 3049 Ho, ho! Don't I wish! What do you think every electrofreak 3050dreams about? You're such an old fuddyduddy! A-and who sez it's a 3051dream, huh? M-maybe it exists. Maybe there is a Machine to take us 3052away, take us completely, suck us out through the electrodes out of 3053the skull 'n' into the Machine and live there forever with all the 3054other souls it's got stored there. It could decide who it would suck 3055out, a-and when. Dope never gave you immortality. You hadda come 3056back, every time, into a dying hunk of smelly meat! But We can live 3057forever, in a clean, honest, purified, Electroworld. 3058 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" 3059% 3060 Looking for a cool one after a long, dusty ride, the drifter strode 3061into the saloon. As he made his way through the crowd to the bar, a man 3062galloped through town screaming, "Big Mike's comin'! Run fer yer lives!" 3063 Suddenly, the saloon doors burst open. An enormous man, standing over 3064eight feet tall and weighing an easy 400 pounds, rode in on a bull, using a 3065rattlesnake for a whip. Grabbing the drifter by the arm and throwing him over 3066the bar, the giant thundered, "Gimme a drink!" 3067 The terrified man handed over a bottle of whiskey, which the man 3068guzzled in one gulp and then smashed on the bar. He then stood aghast as 3069the man stuffed the broken bottle in his mouth, munched broken glass and 3070smacked his lips with relish. 3071 "Can I, ah, uh, get you another, sir?" the drifter stammered. 3072 "Naw, I gotta git outta here, boy," the man grunted. "Big Mike's 3073a-comin'." 3074% 3075 Love's Drug 3076 3077My love is like an iron wand 3078 That conks me on the head, 3079My love is like the valium 3080 That I take before my bed, 3081My love is like the pint of scotch 3082 That I drink when I be dry; 3083And I shall love thee still, my dear, 3084 Until my wife is wise. 3085% 3086 "Mach was the greatest intellectual fraud in the last ten years." 3087 "What about X?" 3088 "I said `intellectual'." 3089 ;login, 9/1990 3090% 3091 Max told his friend that he'd just as soon not go hiking in the hills. 3092Said he, "I'm an anti-climb Max." 3093% 3094 "Mind if I smoke?" 3095 "I don't care if you burst into flames and die!" 3096% 3097 "Mind if I smoke?" 3098 "Yes, I'd like to see that, does it come out of your ears or what?" 3099% 3100 Mother seemed pleased by my draft notice. "Just think of all 3101the people in England, they've chosen you, it's a great honour, son." 3102 Laughingly I felled her with a right cross. 3103 -- Spike Milligan 3104% 3105 Moving along a dimly light street, a man I know was suddenly 3106approached by a stranger who had slipped from the shadows nearby. 3107 "Please, sir," pleaded the stranger, "would you be so kind as 3108to help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and can't find work? 3109All I have in the world is this gun." 3110% 3111 Mr. Jones related an incident from "some time back" when IBM Canada 3112Ltd. of Markham, Ont., ordered some parts from a new supplier in Japan. The 3113company noted in its order that acceptable quality allowed for 1.5 per cent 3114defects (a fairly high standard in North America at the time). 3115 The Japanese sent the order, with a few parts packaged separately in 3116plastic. The accompanying letter said: "We don't know why you want 1.5 per 3117cent defective parts, but for your convenience, we've packed them separately." 3118 -- Excerpted from an article in The (Toronto) Globe and Mail 3119% 3120 Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring 3121Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping 3122pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret 3123military installation. In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and 3124Esther and hustle them off to prison. 3125 They can't prove who they are because they've left their 3126passports in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day 3127and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation 3128movement. Finally they're hauled in front of a military court, 3129charged with espionage, and sentenced to death. 3130 The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where 3131they'll be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them 3132if they have any last requests. Esther wants to know if she can call 3133her daughter in Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not 3134possible, and turns to Murray. 3135 "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he 3136spits in the sergeants face. 3137 "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble." 3138 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 3139% 3140 My friends, I am here to tell you of the wondrous continent known as 3141Africa. Well we left New York drunk and early on the morning of February 31. 3142We were 15 days on the water, and 3 on the boat when we finally arrived in 3143Africa. Upon our arrival we immediately set up a rigorous schedule: Up at 31446:00, breakfast, and back in bed by 7:00. Pretty soon we were back in bed by 31456:30. Now Africa is full of big game. The first day I shot two bucks. That 3146was the biggest game we had. Africa is primarily inhabited by Elks, Moose 3147and Knights of Pithiests. 3148 The elks live up in the mountains and come down once a year for their 3149annual conventions. And you should see them gathered around the water hole, 3150which they leave immediately when they discover it's full of water. They 3151weren't looking for a water hole. They were looking for an alck hole. 3152 One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas, how he got in my 3153pajamas, I don't know. Then we tried to remove the tusks. That's a tough 3154word to say, tusks. As I said we tried to remove the tusks, but they were 3155embedded so firmly we couldn't get them out. But in Alabama the Tusks are 3156looser, but that is totally irrelephant to what I was saying. 3157 We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. 3158So we're going back in a few years... 3159 -- Julius H. Marx 3160% 3161 "My God! Are we sure he was a liberal?" 3162 "Pretty sure. They pulled him from a Volvo." 3163% 3164 My message is not that biological determinists were bad scientists or 3165even that they were always wrong. Rather, I believe that science must be 3166understood as a social phenomenon, a gutsy, human enterprise, not the work of 3167robots programmed to collect pure information. I also present this view as 3168an upbeat for science, not as a gloomy epitaph for a noble hope sacrificed on 3169the alter of human limitations. 3170 I believe that a factual reality exists and that science, though often 3171in an obtuse and erratic manner, can learn about it. Galileo was not shown 3172the instruments of torture in an abstract debate about lunar motion. He had 3173threatened the Church's conventional argument for social and doctrinal 3174stability: the static world order with planets circling about a central 3175earth, priests subordinate to the Pope and serfs to their lord. But the 3176Church soon made its peace with Galileo's cosmology. They had no choice; the 3177earth really does revolve about the sun. 3178 -- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man" 3179% 3180 "My mother," said the sweet young steno, "says there are some things 3181a girl should not do before twenty." 3182 "Your mother is right," said the executive, "I don't like a large 3183audience, either." 3184% 3185 Never ask your lover if he'd dive in front of an oncoming train for 3186you. He doesn't know. Never ask your lover if she'd dive in front of an 3187oncoming band of Hell's Angels for you. She doesn't know. Never ask how many 3188cigarettes your lover has smoked today. Cancer is a personal commitment. 3189 Never ask to see pictures of your lover's former lovers -- especially 3190the ones who dived in front of trains. If you look like one of them, you are 3191repeating history's mistakes. If you don't, you'll wonder what he or she saw 3192in the others. 3193 While we are on the subject of pictures: You may admire the picture 3194of your lover cavorting naked in a tidal pool on Maui. Don't ask who took 3195it. The answer is obvious. A Japanese tourist took the picture. 3196 Never ask if your lover has had therapy. Only people who have had 3197therapy ask if people have had therapy. 3198 Don't ask about plaster casts of male sex organs marked JIMI, JIM, etc. 3199Assume that she bought them at a flea market. 3200 -- James Peterson and Kate Nolan 3201% 3202 NEW YORK -- Kraft Foods, Inc. announced today that its board of 3203directors unanimously rejected the $11 billion takeover bid by Philip 3204Morris and Co. A Kraft spokesman stated in a press conference that the 3205offer was rejected because the $90-per-share bid did not reflect the 3206true value of the company. 3207 Wall Street insiders, however, tell quite a different story. 3208Apparently, the Kraft board of directors had all but signed the takeover 3209agreement when they learned of Philip Morris' marketing plans for one of 3210their major Middle East subsidiaries. To a person, the board voted to 3211reject the bid when they discovered that the tobacco giant intended to 3212reorganize Israeli Cheddar, Ltd., and name the new company Cheeses of 3213Nazareth. 3214% 3215 "No, I understand now," Auberon said, calm in the woods -- it was so 3216simple, really. "I didn't, for a long time, but I do now. You just can't 3217hold people, you can't own them. I mean it's only natural, a natural process 3218really. Meet. Love. Part. Life goes on. There was never any reason to 3219expect her to stay always the same -- I mean `in love,' you know." There were 3220those doubt-quotes of Smoky's, heavily indicated. "I don't hold a grudge. I 3221can't." 3222 "You do," Grandfather Trout said. "And you don't understand." 3223 -- Little, Big, "John Crowley" 3224% 3225 Now she speaks rapidly. "Do you know *why* you want to program?" 3226 He shakes his head. He hasn't the faintest idea. 3227 "For the sheer *joy* of programming!" she cries triumphantly. 3228"The joy of the parent, the artist, the craftsman. "You take a program, 3229born weak and impotent as a dimly-realized solution. You nurture the 3230program and guide it down the right path, building, watching it grow ever 3231stronger. Sometimes you paint with tiny strokes, a keystroke added here, 3232a keystroke changed there." She sweeps her arm in a wide arc. "And other 3233times you savage whole *blocks* of code, ripping out the program's very 3234*essence*, then beginning anew. But always building, creating, filling the 3235program with your own personal stamp, your own quirks and nuances. Watching 3236the program grow stronger, patching it when it crashes, until finally it can 3237stand alone -- proud, powerful, and perfect. This is the programmer's finest 3238hour!" Softly at first, then louder, he hears the strains of a Sousa march. 3239"This ... this is your canvas! your clay! Go forth and create a masterwork!" 3240% 3241 Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home 3242tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question. 3243 Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell 3244plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where 3245they have a food section specializing in cardboard cartons full of 3246Raisinets and malted milk balls manufactured during the Nixon 3247administration. In either the hardware or housewares department, 3248you'll find an item imported from an obscure Oriental country and 3249described as "Nine Tools in One", consisting of a little handle with 3250interchangeable ends representing inscrutable Oriental notions of tools 3251that Americans might use around the home. Buy it. 3252 This is the kind of tool set professionals use. Not only is it 3253inexpensive, but it also has a great safety feature not found in the 3254so-called quality tools sets: The handle will actually break right off 3255if you accidentally hit yourself or anything else, or expose it to 3256direct sunlight. 3257 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 3258% 3259 Obviously the subject of death was in the air, but more as something 3260to be avoided than harped upon. 3261 Possibly the horror that Zaphod experienced at the prospect of being 3262reunited with his deceased relatives led on to the thought that they might 3263just feel the same way about him and, what's more, be able to do something 3264about helping to postpone this reunion. 3265 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe" 3266% 3267 "Oh sure, this costume may look silly, but it lets me get in and out 3268of dangerous situations -- I work for a federal task force doing a survey on 3269urban crime. Look, here's my ID, and here's a number you can call, that will 3270put you through to our central base in Atlanta. Go ahead, call -- they'll 3271confirm who I am. 3272 "Unless, of course, the Astro-Zombies have destroyed it." 3273 -- Captain Freedom 3274% 3275 Old Barlow was a crossing-tender at a junction where an express train 3276demolished an automobile and its occupants. Being the chief witness, his 3277testimony was vitally important. Barlow explained that the night was dark, 3278and he waved his lantern frantically, but the driver of the car paid 3279no attention to the signal. 3280 The railroad company won the case, and the president of the company 3281complimented the old-timer for his story. "You did wonderfully," he said, 3282"I was afraid you would waver under testimony." 3283 "No sir," exclaimed the senior, "but I sure was afraid that durned 3284lawyer was gonna ask me if my lantern was lit." 3285% 3286 On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in 3287receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's 3288income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than 3289$283 on the desk before the cashier. 3290 "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That 3291route never brought in money like this! What happened?" 3292 "Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured 3293business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and 3294worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!" 3295% 3296 On the day of his anniversary, Joe was frantically shopping 3297around for a present for his wife. He knew what she wanted, a 3298grandfather clock for the living room, but he found the right one 3299almost impossible to find. Finally, after many hours of searching, Joe 3300found just the clock he wanted, but the store didn't deliver. Joe, 3301desperate, paid the shopkeeper, hoisted the clock onto his back, and 3302staggered out onto the sidewalk. On the way home, he passed a bar. 3303Just as he reached the door, a drunk stumbled out and crashed into Joe, 3304sending himself, Joe, and the clock into the gutter. Murphy's law 3305being in effect, the clock ended up in roughly a thousand pieces. 3306 "You stupid drunk!" screamed Joe, jumping up from the 3307wreckage. "Why don't you look where the hell you're going!" 3308 With quiet dignity the drunk stood up somewhat unsteadily and 3309dusted himself off. "And why don't you just wear a wristwatch like a 3310normal person?" 3311% 3312 On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum 3313to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena. 3314There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning 3315alive. "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't 3316dead yet. I can see her lips moving. Go quickly and find out what she is 3317saying." 3318 The centurion saluted, and hurried out to the virgin, getting as near 3319the flames as he dared, and listened intently. Then he turned and ran back 3320to the imperial box. "She is not talking," he reported to Nero, "she is 3321singing." 3322 "Singing?" said the astounded emperor. "Singing what?" 3323 "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..." 3324% 3325 On the other hand, the TCP camp also has a phrase for OSI people. 3326There are lots of phrases. My favorite is `nitwit' -- and the rationale 3327is the Internet philosophy has always been you have extremely bright, 3328non-partisan researchers look at a topic, do world-class research, do 3329several competing implementations, have a bake-off, determine what works 3330best, write it down and make that the standard. 3331 The OSI view is entirely opposite. You take written contributions 3332from a much larger community, you put the contributions in a room of 3333committee people with, quite honestly, vast political differences and all 3334with their own political axes to grind, and four years later you get 3335something out, usually without it ever having been implemented once. 3336 So the Internet perspective is implement it, make it work well, 3337then write it down, whereas the OSI perspective is to agree on it, write 3338it down, circulate it a lot and now we'll see if anyone can implement it 3339after it's an international standard and every vendor in the world is 3340committed to it. One of those processes is backwards, and I don't think 3341it takes a Lucasian professor of physics at Oxford to figure out which. 3342 -- Marshall Rose, "The Pied Piper of OSI" 3343% 3344 On this morning in August when I was 13, my mother sent us out pick 3345tomatoes. Back in April I'd have killed for a fresh tomato, but in August 3346they are no more rare or wonderful than rocks. So I picked up one and threw 3347it at a crab apple tree, where it made a good *splat*, and then threw a tomato 3348at my brother. He whipped one back at me. We ducked down by the vines, 3349heaving tomatoes at each other. My sister, who was a good person, said, 3350"You're going to get it." She bent over and kept on picking. 3351 What a target! She was 17, a girl with big hips, and bending over, 3352she looked like the side of a barn. 3353 I picked up a tomato so big it sat on the ground. It looked like it 3354had sat there a week. The underside was brown, small white worms lived in it, 3355and it was very juicy. I stood up and took aim, and went into the windup, 3356when my mother at the kitchen window called my name in a sharp voice. I had 3357to decide quickly. I decided. 3358 A rotten Big Boy hitting the target is a memorable sound, like a fat 3359man doing a belly-flop. With a whoop and a yell the tomatoee came after me 3360faster than I knew she could run, and grabbed my shirt and was about to brain 3361me when Mother called her name in a sharp voice. And my sister, who was a 3362good person, obeyed and let go -- and burst into tears. I guess she knew that 3363the pleasure of obedience is pretty thin compared with the pleasure of hearing 3364a rotten tomato hit someone in the rear end. 3365 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days" 3366% 3367 Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in The Holiday Season, that very 3368special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old 3369traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We 3370traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we 3371see a shopper emerge from the mall. Then we follow her, in very much the same 3372spirit as the Three Wise Men, who, 2,000 years ago, followed a star, week after 3373week, until it led them to a parking space. 3374 We try to keep our bumper about 4 inches from the shopper's calves, to 3375let the other circling cars know that she belongs to us. Sometimes, two cars 3376will get into a fight over whom the shopper belongs to, similar to the way 3377great white sharks will fight over who gets to eat a snorkeler. So, we follow 3378our shopper closely, hunched over the steering wheel, whistling "It's Beginning 3379to Look a Lot Like Christmas" through our teeth, until we arrive at her car, 3380which is usually parked several time zones away from the mall. Sometimes our 3381shopper tries to indicate she was merely planning to drop off some packages and 3382go back to shopping. But, when she hears our engine rev in a festive fashion 3383and sees the holiday gleam in our eyes, she realizes she would never make it. 3384 -- Dave Barry, "Holiday Joy -- Or, the Great Parking Lot 3385 Skirmish" 3386% 3387 Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great 3388crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs 3389and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and 3390resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But one creature 3391said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall 3392let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I shall die of boredom." 3393 The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that current 3394you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks, and you will 3395die quicker than boredom!" 3396 But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at 3397once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. Yet, in time, 3398as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the 3399bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more. 3400 And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, "See 3401a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the Messiah, come 3402to save us all!" And the one carried in the current said, "I am no more 3403Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us free, if only we dare let go. 3404Our true work is this voyage, this adventure. 3405 But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to the 3406rocks, making legends of a Saviour. 3407 -- Richard Bach 3408% 3409 Once there was a marine biologist who loved dolphins. He spent his 3410time trying to feed and protect his beloved creatures of the sea. One day, 3411in a fit of inventive genius, he came up with a serum that would make 3412dolphins live forever! 3413 Of course he was ecstatic. But he soon realized that in order to mass 3414produce this serum he would need large amounts of a certain compound that was 3415only found in nature in the metabolism of a rare South American bird. Carried 3416away by his love for dolphins, he resolved that he would go to the zoo and 3417steal one of these birds. 3418 Unbeknownst to him, as he was arriving at the zoo an elderly lion was 3419escaping from its cage. The zookeepers were alarmed and immediately began 3420combing the zoo for the escaped animal, unaware that it had simply lain down 3421on the sidewalk and had gone to sleep. 3422 Meanwhile, the marine biologist arrived at the zoo and procured his 3423bird. He was so excited by the prospect of helping his dolphins that he 3424stepped absentmindedly stepped over the sleeping lion on his way back to his 3425car. Immediately, 1500 policemen converged on him and arrested him for 3426transporting a myna across a staid lion for immortal porpoises. 3427% 3428 Once upon a time there was a beautiful young girl taking a stroll 3429through the woods. All at once she saw an extremely ugly bull frog seated 3430on a log and to her amazement the frog spoke to her. "Maiden," croaked the 3431frog, "would you do me a favor? This will be hard for you to believe, but 3432I was once a handsome, charming prince and then a mean, ugly old witch cast 3433a spell over me and turned me into a frog." 3434 "Oh, what a pity!", exclaimed the girl. "I'll do anything I can to 3435help you break such a spell." 3436 "Well," replied the frog, "the only way that this spell can be 3437taken away is for some lovely young woman to take me home and let me spend 3438the night under her pillow." 3439 The young girl took the ugly frog home and placed him beneath her 3440pillow that night when she retired. When she awoke the next morning, sure 3441enough, there beside her in bed was a very young, handsome man, clearly of 3442royal blood. And so they lived happily ever after, except that to this day 3443her father and mother still don't believe her story. 3444% 3445 Once upon a time, there was a fisherman who lived by a great river. 3446One day, after a hard day's fishing, he hooked what seemed to him to be the 3447biggest, strongest fish he had ever caught. He fought with it for hours, 3448until, finally, he managed to bring it to the surface. Looking of the edge 3449of the boat, he saw the head of this huge fish breaking the surface. Smiling 3450with pride, he reached over the edge to pull the fish up. Unfortunately, he 3451accidentally caught his watch on the edge, and, before he knew it, there was a 3452snap, and his watch tumbled into the water next to the fish with a loud 3453"sploosh!" Distracted by this shiny object, the fish made a sudden lunge, 3454simultaneously snapping the line, and swallowing the watch. Sadly, the 3455fisherman stared into the water, and then began the slow trip back home. 3456 Many years later, the fisherman, now an old man, was working in a 3457boring assembly-line job in a large city. He worked in a fish-processing 3458plant. It was his job, as each fish passed under his hands, to chop off their 3459heads, readying them for the next phase in processing. This monotonous task 3460went on for years, the dull *thud* of the cleaver chopping of each head being 3461his entire world, day after day, week after weary week. Well, one day, as he 3462was chopping fish, he happened to notice that the fish coming towards him on 3463the line looked very familiar. Yes, yes, it looked... could it be the fish 3464he had lost on that day so many years ago? He trembled with anticipation as 3465his cleaver came down. IT STRUCK SOMETHING HARD! IT WAS HIS THUMB! 3466% 3467 Once upon a time, there were five blind men who had the opportunity 3468to experience an elephant for the first time. One approached the elephant, 3469and, upon encountering one of its sturdy legs, stated, "Ah, an elephant is 3470like a tree." The second, after exploring the trunk, said, "No, an elephant 3471is like a strong hose." The third, grasping the tail, said "Fool! An elephant 3472is like a rope!" The fourth, holding an ear, stated, "No, more like a fan." 3473And the fifth, leaning against the animal's side, said, "An elephant is like 3474a wall." The five then began to argue loudly about who had the more accurate 3475perception of the elephant. 3476 The elephant, tiring of all this abuse, suddenly reared up and 3477attacked the men. He continued to trample them until they were nothing but 3478bloody lumps of flesh. Then, strolling away, the elephant remarked, "It just 3479goes to show that you can't depend on first impressions. When I first saw 3480them I didn't think they'd be any fun at all." 3481% 3482 Once upon a time there were three brothers who were knights 3483in a certain kingdom. And, there was a Princess in a neighboring kingdom 3484who was of marriageable age. Well, one day, in full armour, their horses, 3485and their page, the three brothers set off to see if one of them could 3486win her hand. The road was long and there were many obstacles along the 3487way, robbers to be overcome, hard terrain to cross. As they coped with 3488each obstacle they became more and more disgusted with their page. He was 3489not only inept, he was a coward, he could not handle the horses, he was, 3490in short, a complete flop. When they arrived at the court of the kingdom, 3491they found that they were expected to present the Princess with some 3492treasure. The two older brothers were discouraged, since they had not 3493thought of this and were unprepared. The youngest, however, had the 3494answer: Promise her anything, but give her our page. 3495% 3496 Once, when the secrets of science were the jealously guarded property 3497of a small priesthood, the common man had no hope of mastering their arcane 3498complexities. Years of study in musty classrooms were prerequisite to 3499obtaining even a dim, incoherent knowledge of science. 3500 Today all that has changed: a dim, incoherent knowledge of science is 3501available to anyone. 3502 -- Tom Weller, "Science Made Stupid" 3503% 3504 One day a student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make 3505a better garbage collector. We must keep a reference count of the pointers 3506to each cons." 3507 Moon patiently told the student the following story -- "One day a 3508student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make a better garbage 3509collector..." 3510% 3511 One day it was announced that the young monk Kyogen had reached 3512an enlightened state. Much impressed by this news, several of his peers 3513went to speak with him. 3514 "We have heard that you are enlightened. Is this true?" his fellow 3515students inquired. 3516 "It is", Kyogen answered. 3517 "Tell us", said a friend, "how do you feel?" 3518 "As miserable as ever", replied the enlightened Kyogen. 3519% 3520 One evening he spoke. Sitting at her feet, his face raised to her, 3521he allowed his soul to be heard. "My darling, anything you wish, anything 3522I am, anything I can ever be... That's what I want to offer you -- not the 3523things I'll get for you, but the thing in me that will make me able to get 3524them. That thing -- a man can't renounce it -- but I want to renounce it -- 3525so that it will be yours -- so that it will be in your service -- only for 3526you." 3527 The girl smiled and asked: "Do you think I'm prettier than Maggie 3528Kelly?" 3529 He got up. He said nothing and walked out of the house. He never 3530saw that girl again. Gail Wynand, who prided himself on never needing a 3531lesson twice, did not fall in love again in the years that followed. 3532 -- Ayn Rand, "The Fountainhead" 3533% 3534 One fine day, the bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, 3535and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops -- a few 3536people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next 3537stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a 3538wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, 3539"Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back. 3540 Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically 3541meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't 3542happy about it. Well, the next day the same thing happened -- Big John got on 3543again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the 3544one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started 3545losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he 3546could stand it no longer. He signed up for bodybuilding courses, karate, judo, 3547and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; 3548what's more, he felt really good about himself. 3549 So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus 3550and said "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the 3551passenger, and screamed, "And why not?" 3552 With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a 3553bus pass." 3554% 3555 One night the captain of a tanker saw a light dead ahead. He 3556directed his signalman to flash a signal to the light which went... 3557 "Change course 10 degrees South." 3558 The reply was quickly flashed back... 3559 "You change course 10 degrees North." 3560 The captain was a little annoyed at this reply and sent a further 3561message..... 3562 "I am a captain. Change course 10 degrees South." 3563 Back came the reply... 3564 "I am an able-seaman. Change course 10 degrees North." 3565 The captain was outraged at this reply and send a message.... 3566"I am a 240,000 tonne tanker. CHANGE course 10 degrees South!" 3567 Back came the reply... 3568 "I am a LIGHTHOUSE. Change course 10 degrees North!!!!" 3569 -- Cruising Helmsman, "On The Right Course" 3570% 3571 One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How enthusiastic 3572is our support for UNIX? 3573 Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many years ago. 3574Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. Ten percent of our 3575VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple language, easy to understand, 3576easy to get started with. It's great for students, great for somewhat casual 3577users, and it's great for interchanging programs between different machines. 3578And so, because of its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have 3579good UNIX on VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s. 3580 It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will run 3581out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and will end 3582up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming. 3583 With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and quickly 3584check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With VMS, no matter 3585what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of documentation -- if 3586you look long enough it's there. That's the difference -- the beauty of UNIX 3587is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS is that it's all there. 3588 -- Ken Olsen, president of DEC, DECWORLD Vol. 8 No. 5, 1984 3589[It's been argued that the beauty of UNIX is the same as the beauty of Ken 3590Olsen's brain. Ed.] 3591% 3592 One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How 3593enthusiastic is our support for UNIX? 3594 Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many 3595years ago. Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. 3596Ten percent of our VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple 3597language, easy to understand, easy to get started with. It's great for 3598students, great for somewhat casual users, and it's great for 3599interchanging programs between different machines. And so, because of 3600its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have good UNIX on 3601VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s. 3602 It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will 3603run out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and 3604will end up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming. 3605 With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and 3606quickly check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With 3607VMS, no matter what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of 3608documentation -- if you look long enough it's there. That's the 3609difference -- the beauty of UNIX is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS 3610is that it's all there. 3611 -- Ken Olsen, President of DEC, 1984 3612% 3613 page 46 3614...a report citing a study by Dr. Thomas C. Chalmers, of the Mount Sinai 3615Medical Center in New York, which compared two groups that were being used 3616to test the theory that ascorbic acid is a cold preventative. "The group 3617on placebo who thought they were on ascorbic acid," says Dr. Chalmers, 3618"had fewer colds than the group on ascorbic acid who thought they were 3619on placebo." 3620 page 56 3621The placebo is proof that there is no real separation between mind and body. 3622Illness is always an interaction between both. It can begin in the mind and 3623affect the body, or it can begin in the body and affect the mind, both of 3624which are served by the same bloodstream. Attempts to treat most mental 3625diseases as though they were completely free of physical causes and attempts 3626to treat most bodily diseases as though the mind were in no way involved must 3627be considered archaic in the light of new evidence about the way the human 3628body functions. 3629 -- Norman Cousins, 3630 "Anatomy of an Illness as Perceived by the Patient" 3631% 3632 Penn's aunts made great apple pies at low prices. No one else in 3633town could compete with the pie rates of Penn's aunts. 3634 During the American Revolution, a Britisher tried to raid a farm. He 3635stumbled across a rock on the ground and fell, whereupon an aggressive Rhode 3636Island Red hopped on top. Seeing this, the farmer commented, "Chicken catch 3637a Tory!" 3638 A wife started serving chopped meat, Monday hamburger, Tuesday meat 3639loaf, Wednesday tartar steak, and Thursday meatballs. On Friday morning her 3640husband snarled, "How now, ground cow?" 3641 A journalist, thrilled over his dinner, asked the chef for the recipe. 3642Retorted the chef, "Sorry, we have the same policy as you journalists, we 3643never reveal our sauce." 3644 A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He 3645kept favoring curry. 3646 A couple of kids tried using pickles instead of paddles for a Ping-Pong 3647game. They had the volley of the Dills. 3648% 3649 People of all sorts of genders are reporting great difficulty, 3650these days, in selecting the proper words to refer to those of the female 3651persuasion. 3652 "Lady," "woman," and "girl" are all perfectly good words, but 3653misapplying them can earn one anything from the charge of vulgarity to a good 3654swift smack. We are messing here with matters of deference, condescension, 3655respect, bigotry, and two vague concepts, age and rank. It is troubling 3656enough to get straight who is really what. Those who deliberately misuse 3657the terms in a misbegotten attempt at flattery are asking for it. 3658 A woman is any grown-up female person. A girl is the un-grown-up 3659version. If you call a wee thing with chubby cheeks and pink hair ribbons a 3660"woman," you will probably not get into trouble, and if you do, you will be 3661able to handle it because she will be under three feet tall. However, if you 3662call a grown-up by a child's name for the sake of implying that she has a 3663youthful body, you are also implying that she has a brain to match. 3664% 3665 "Perhaps he is not honest," Mr. Frostee said inside Cobb's head, 3666sounding a bit worried. 3667 "Of course he isn't," Cobb answered. "What we have to look out for 3668is him calling the cops anyway, or trying to blackmail us for more money." 3669 "I think you should kill him and eat his brain," Mr. Frostee 3670said quickly. 3671 "That's not the answer to *every* problem in interpersonal relations," 3672Cobb said, hopping out. 3673 -- Rudy Rucker, "Software" 3674% 3675 Phases of a Project: 3676(1) Exultation. 3677(2) Disenchantment. 3678(3) Confusion. 3679(4) Search for the Guilty. 3680(5) Punishment for the Innocent. 3681(6) Distinction for the Uninvolved. 3682% 3683 Phil [Record] was known as the Hat because he always wore a felt 3684snap brim. It was the standard uniform for police reporters, for one 3685reason: it made it easier for them to pass themselves off as detectives. 3686We had an informal code of ethics then; we never lied about who we were. 3687But if people mistook us for the police, that was their problem, not ours. 3688If they thought they were giving confidential information to an investigator, 3689well, that was their problem, too. As we understood the First Amendment, 3690everyone had a right to talk to the _Star-Telegram_, even if they didn't 3691know they were talking to the _Star-Telegram_. 3692 -- Bob Schieffer, "This Just In" 3693% 3694 Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities, 3695requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm 3696into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing 3697problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by turning up the 3698radio. But before we get into specific techniques, let's look at how 3699plumbing works. 3700 A plumbing system is very much like your electrical system, 3701except that instead of electricity, it has water, and instead of wires, 3702it has pipes, and instead of radios and waffle irons, it has faucets 3703and toilets. So the truth is that your plumbing systems is nothing at 3704all like your electrical system, which is good, because electricity can 3705kill you. 3706 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 3707% 3708 Price Wang's programmer was coding software. His fingers danced upon 3709the keyboard. The program compiled without an error message, and the program 3710ran like a gentle wind. 3711 Excellent!" the Price exclaimed, "Your technique is faultless!" 3712 "Technique?" said the programmer, turning from his terminal, "What I 3713follow is the Tao -- beyond all technique. When I first began to program I 3714would see before me the whole program in one mass. After three years I no 3715longer saw this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing. 3716My whole being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit, 3717free to work without a plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program 3718writes itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them 3719coming, I slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code 3720and the difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the 3721program. I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my 3722eyes for a moment and then log off." 3723 Price Wang said, "Would that all of my programmers were as wise!" 3724 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 3725% 3726 "Reflections on Ice-Breaking" 3727Candy 3728Is dandy 3729But liquor 3730Is quicker. 3731 -- Ogden Nash 3732% 3733 "Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised. "We're back in the 3734universe again..." An unusually long pause followed, "...but I don't 3735know which part. We seem to have changed our position in space." A 3736spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the 3737starfield surrounding the ship. 3738 "Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us," 3739ZORAC announced after a short pause. "The designs are not familiar, but 3740they are obviously the products of intelligence. Implications: we have 3741been intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown, 3742and transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown. 3743Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious." 3744 -- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star" 3745% 3746 Reporters like Bill Greider from the Washington Post and Him 3747Naughton of the New York Times, for instance, had to file long, detailed, 3748and relatively complex stories every day -- while my own deadline fell 3749every two weeks -- but neither of them ever seemed in a hurry about 3750getting their work done, and from time to time they would try to console 3751me about the terrible pressure I always seemed to be laboring under. 3752 Any $100-an-hour psychiatrist could probably explain this problem 3753to me, in thirteen or fourteen sessions, but I don't have time for that. 3754No doubt it has something to do with a deep-seated personality defect, or 3755maybe a kink in whatever blood vessel leads into the pineal gland... On 3756the other hand, it might be something as simple & basically perverse as 3757whatever instinct it is that causes a jackrabbit to wait until the last 3758possible second to dart across the road in front of a speeding car. 3759 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing: 3760 On the Campaign Trail" 3761% 3762 "Richard, in being so fierce toward my vampire, you were doing 3763what you wanted to do, even though you thought it was going to hurt 3764somebody else. He even told you he'd be hurt if..." 3765 "He was going to suck my blood!" 3766 "Which is what we do to anyone when we tell them we'll be hurt 3767if they don't live our way." 3768... 3769 "The thing that puzzles you," he said, "is an accepted saying that 3770happens to be impossible. The phrase is hurt somebody else. We choose, 3771ourselves, to be hurt or not to be hurt, no matter what. Us who decides. 3772Nobody else. My vampire told you he'd be hurt if you didn't let him? That's 3773his decision to be hurt, that's his choice. What you do about it is your 3774decision, your choice: give him blood; ignore him; tie him up; drive a stake 3775through his heart. If he doesn't want the holly stake, he's free to resist, 3776in whatever way he wants. It goes on and on, choices, choices." 3777 "When you look at it that way..." 3778 "Listen," he said, "it's important. We are all. Free. To do. 3779Whatever. We want. To do." 3780 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions" 3781% 3782 Risch's decision procedure for integration, not surprisingly, 3783uses a recursion on the number and type of the extensions from the 3784rational functions needed to represent the integrand. Although the 3785algorithm follows and critically depends upon the appropriate structure 3786of the input, as in the case of multivariate factorization, we cannot 3787claim that the algorithm is a natural one. In fact, the creator of 3788differential algebra, Ritt, committed suicide in the early 1950's, 3789largely, it is claimed, because few paid attention to his work. Probably 3790he would have received more attention had he obtained the algorithm as 3791well. 3792 -- Joel Moses, "Algorithms and Complexity", ed. J. F. Traub 3793% 3794 Robert Kennedy's 1964 Senatorial campaign planners told him that 3795their intention was to present him to the television viewers as a sincere, 3796generous person. "You going to use a double?" asked Kennedy. 3797 3798 Thumbing through a promotional pamphlet prepared for his 1964 3799Senatorial campaign, Robert Kennedy came across a photograph of himself 3800shaking hands with a well-known labor leader. 3801 "There must be a better photo that this," said Kennedy to the 3802advertising men in charge of his campaign. 3803 "What's wrong with this one?" asked one adman. 3804 "That fellow's in jail," said Kennedy. 3805 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits" 3806% 3807 SAFETY 3808I can live without 3809Someone I love 3810But not without 3811Someone I need. 3812% 3813 Sam went to his psychiatrist complaining of a hatred for elephants. 3814"I can't stand elephants," he explained. "I lie awake nights despising 3815them. The thought of an elephant fills me with loathing." 3816 "Sam," said the psychiatrist, "there's only one thing for you to do. 3817Go to Africa, organize a safari, find an elephant in the jungle and shoot it. 3818That way you'll get it out of your system." 3819 Sam immediately made arrangements for a safari hunt in Africa, 3820inviting his best friend to join him. They arrived in Nairobi and lost no 3821time getting out on the jungle trails. After they had been hunting for 3822several days, Sam's best friend grabbed him by the arm one morning and 3823yelled at him: 3824 "Sam, Sam, Sam! Over there behind that tree there's and elephant! 3825Sam -- Get your gun -- no, no, not THAT gun -- the rifle with the longer 3826barrel! Now aim it! QUICK! SAM! QUICK! No! Not that way -- this way! 3827Be sure you don't jerk the trigger! Wait SAM! Don't let him see you! Aim 3828at his head!" 3829 Sam whirled around, took aim, and killed his friend. He was put in 3830prison and his psychiatrist flew to Africa to visit him. "I sent you over 3831here to kill an elephant and instead you shoot your best friend," the 3832psychiatrist said. "Why?" 3833 "Well," Sam replied, "there's only one thing in the world that I 3834hate more than elephants and that is a loudmouth know-it-all!" 3835% 3836 Seems George was playing his usual eighteen holes on Saturday 3837afternoon. Teeing off from the 17th, he sliced into the rough over near 3838the edge of the fairway. Just as he was about to chip out, he noticed a 3839long funeral procession going past on a nearby street. Reverently, George 3840removed his hat and stood at attention until the procession had passed. 3841Then he continued his game, finishing with a birdie on the eighteenth. 3842Later, at the clubhouse, a fellow golfer greet George. "Say, that was a 3843nice gesture you made today, George. 3844 "What do you mean?" asked George. 3845 "Well, it was nice of you to take off your cap and stand 3846respectfully when that funeral went by," the friend replied. 3847 "Oh, yes," said George. "Well, we were married 17 years, you 3848know." 3849% 3850 "Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated thoughtfully. 3851"An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY advice, I'd have 3852said 'Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now." 3853 "I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly. 3854 "Too proud?" the other enquired. 3855 Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean," 3856she said, "that one can't help growing older." 3857 "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With 3858proper assistance, you might have left off at seven." 3859 -- Lewis Carroll, 3860 "Through the Looking-Glass, 3861 and What Alice Found There" (1871) 3862% 3863 Several students were asked to prove that all odd integers are prime. 3864 The first student to try to do this was a math student. "Hmmm... 3865Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, and by induction, we have that all 3866the odd integers are prime." 3867 The second student to try was a man of physics who commented, "I'm not 3868sure of the validity of your proof, but I think I'll try to prove it by 3869experiment." He continues, "Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is 3870prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is... uh, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is prime, 13 3871is prime... Well, it seems that you're right." 3872 The third student to try it was the engineering student, who responded, 3873"Well, to be honest, actually, I'm not sure of your answer either. Let's 3874see... 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is... 3875well, if you approximate, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Well, it 3876does seem right." 3877 Not to be outdone, the computer science student comes along and says 3878"Well, you two sort've got the right idea, but you'll end up taking too long! 3879I've just whipped up a program to REALLY go and prove it." He goes over to 3880his terminal and runs his program. Reading the output on the screen he says, 3881"1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime..." 3882% 3883 She said, "I know you ... you cannot sing." 3884 I said, "That's nothing, you should hear me play piano." 3885 -- Morrisey 3886% 3887 "Sheriff, we gotta catch Black Bart." 3888 "Oh, yeah? What's he look like?" 3889 "Well, he's wearin' a paper hat, a paper shirt, paper pants and 3890paper boots." 3891 "What's he wanted for?" 3892 "Rustling." 3893% 3894 Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the 3895Vulgate Bible. Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull 3896automatically excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration 3897in the text. This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible. 3898He personally examined every sheet as it came off the press. Yet the 3899published Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps 3900had to be printed and pasted over them in every copy. The result 3901provoked wry comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and 3902Pope Sixtus had no recourse but to order the return and destruction of 3903every copy. 3904% 3905 So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark]. 3906With a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to 3907maneuver the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of 3908corner of the lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to 3909flop up onto the land and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward 3910it, sort of crouched over, when all of a sudden it turned around and -- 3911I can still remember the sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in 3912the armpit area -- headed right straight toward us. 3913 Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and 3914I were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our 3915heads. We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're 3916unarmed and a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water 3917up to your lower calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the 3918opposite direction, using a sprinting style such that the bottoms of 3919our feet never once went below the surface of the water. We ran all 3920the way to the far shore, and if we had been in a Warner Brothers 3921cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach, and you would have seen 3922these two mounds of sand racing across the island until they bonked 3923into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads. 3924 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 3925% 3926 "So you don't have to, Cindy, but I was wondering if you might 3927want to go to someplace, you know, with me, sometime." 3928 "Well, I can think of a lot of worse things, David." 3929 "Friday, then?" 3930 "Why not, David, it might even be fun." 3931 -- Dating in Minnesota 3932% 3933 Some 1500 miles west of the Big Apple we find the Minneapple, a 3934haven of tranquility in troubled times. It's a good town, a civilized town. 3935A town where they still know how to get your shirts back by Thursday. Let 3936the Big Apple have the feats of "Broadway Joe" Namath. We have known the 3937stolid but steady Killebrew. Listening to Cole Porter over a dry martini 3938may well suit those unlucky enough never to have heard the Whoopee John Polka 3939Band and never to have shared a pitcher of 3.2 Grain Belt Beer. The loss is 3940theirs. And the Big Apple has yet to bake the bagel that can match peanut 3941butter on lefse. Here is a town where the major urban problem is dutch elm 3942disease and the number one crime is overtime parking. We boast more theater 3943per capita than the Big Apple. We go to see, not to be seen. We go even 3944when we must shovel ten inches of snow from the driveway to get there. Indeed 3945the winters are fierce. But then comes the marvel of the Minneapple summer. 3946People flock to the city's lakes to frolic and rejoice at the sight of so 3947much happy humanity free from the bonds of the traditional down-filled parka. 3948Here's to the Minneapple. And to its people. Our flair for style is balanced 3949by a healthy respect for wind chill factors. 3950 And we always, always eat our vegetables. 3951 This is the Minneapple. 3952% 3953 Something mysterious is formed, born in the silent void. Waiting 3954alone and unmoving, it is at once still and yet in constant motion. It is 3955the source of all programs. I do not know its name, so I will call it the 3956Tao of Programming. 3957 If the Tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the 3958operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler is 3959greater, then the applications is great. The user is pleased and there is 3960harmony in the world. 3961 The Tao of Programming flows far away and returns on the wind of 3962morning. 3963 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 3964% 3965 Somewhat alarmed at the continued growth of the number of employees 3966on the Department of Agriculture payroll in 1962, Michigan Republican Robert 3967Griffin proposed an amendment to the farm bill so that "the total number of 3968employees in the Department of Agriculture at no time exceeds the number of 3969farmers in America." 3970 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits" 3971% 3972 "Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the 3973Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then 3974intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men and 3975women, such as are we all? And thus happily sent forth, at our best, with 3976good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are we not God's 3977Machineries of Joy?" 3978 "If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin." 3979 -- Ray Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy" 3980% 3981 Split 1/4 bottle .187 liters 3982 Half 1/2 bottle 3983 Bottle 750 milliliters 3984 Magnum 2 bottles 1.5 liters 3985 Jeroboam 4 bottles 3986 Rehoboam 6 bottles Not available in the US 3987 Methuselah 8 bottles 3988 Salmanazar 12 bottles 3989 Balthazar 16 bottles 3990 Nebuchadnezzar 20 bottles 15 liters 3991 Sovereign 34 bottles 26 liters 3992 3993 The Sovereign is a new bottle, made for the launching of the 3994largest cruise ship in the world. The bottle alone cost 8,000 dollars 3995to produce and they only made 8 of them. 3996 Most of the funny names come from Biblical people. 3997% 3998 Stop! Whoever crosseth the bridge of Death, must answer first 3999these questions three, ere the other side he see! 4000 4001 "What is your name?" 4002 "Sir Brian of Bell." 4003 "What is your quest?" 4004 "I seek the Holy Grail." 4005 "What are four lowercase letters that are not legal flag arguments 4006to the Berkeley UNIX version of `ls'?" 4007 "I, er.... AIIIEEEEEE!" 4008% 4009 Strange memories on this nervous night in Las Vegas. Five years later? 4010Six? It seems like a lifetime, or at least a Main Era -- the kind of peak that 4011never comes again. San Francisco in the middle sixties was a very special time 4012and place to be a part of. Maybe it meant something. Maybe not, in the long 4013run... There was madness in any direction, at any hour. If not across the 4014Bay, then up the Golden Gate or down 101 to Los Altos or La Honda... You could 4015strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we 4016were doing was right, that we were winning... 4017 And that, I think, was the handle -- that sense of inevitable victory 4018over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we didn't 4019need that. Our energy would simply prevail. There was no point in fighting 4020-- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; we were riding the crest 4021of a high and beautiful wave. So now, less than five years later, you can go 4022up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes 4023you can almost see the high-water mark -- that place where the wave finally 4024broke and rolled back. 4025 -- Hunter S. Thompson 4026% 4027 "Surely you can't be serious." 4028 "I am serious, and don't call me Shirley." 4029% 4030 Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content 4031to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good 4032beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up 4033drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a 4034nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves 4035and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!" So Coca-Cola 4036was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw no need to 4037improve ... 4038 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 4039% 4040 "That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a 4041sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar. 4042 "How do you know?" the friend asked. 4043 "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where 4044she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley." 4045 "So?" 4046 "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley." 4047% 4048 "That's right; the upper-case shift works fine on the screen, but 4049they're not coming out on the damn printer... Hold? Sure, I'll hold." 4050 -- e. e. cummings last service call 4051% 4052 "The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff 4053and blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails. 4054You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at 4055night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, 4056you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your 4057honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for 4058it then -- to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is 4059the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be 4060tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning 4061is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn." 4062 -- T. H. White, "The Once and Future King" 4063% 4064 The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time 4065for Miss Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public. 4066 It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance. Miss Manners 4067has been known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a 4068curb, and, in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a 4069foot or two under the dinner table. Miss Manners also believes that the 4070sight of people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand 4071dresses up a city considerably more than the more familiar sight of 4072people shaking umbrellas at one another. What Miss Manners objects to 4073is the kind of activity that frightens the horses on the street... 4074% 4075 The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff 4076in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody but one girl 4077laughed uproariously. "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you 4078got a sense of humor?" 4079 "I don't have to laugh," she said. "I'm leaving Friday anyway. 4080% 4081 The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff: 4082"You claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle 4083in his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?" 4084 "Yes," the man admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course, 4085but not much good in a fight." 4086% 4087 The devout Jew was beside himself because his son had been dating 4088a shiksa, so he went to visit his rabbi. The rabbi listened solemnly to 4089his problem, took his hand, and said, "Pray to God." 4090 So the Jew went to the synagogue, bowed his head, and prayed, "God, 4091please help me. My son, my favorite son, he's going to marry a shiksa, he 4092sees nothing but goyim..." 4093 "Your son," boomed down this voice from the heavens, "you think 4094you got problems. What about my son?" 4095% 4096 The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough 4097physical examination. "The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said, 4098"is give up drinking, give up smoking, get to bed early and stay away 4099from women." 4100 "Doc, I don't deserve the best," pleaded his patient. "What's 4101second best?" 4102% 4103 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES 4104 4105SPECIES: Cranial Males 4106SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis) 4107Courtship & Mating: 4108 Due to extreme deprivation, HOMO COMPUTATIS maintains a near perpetual 4109 state of sexual readiness. Courtship behavior alternates between 4110 awkward shyness and abrupt advances. When he finally mates, he 4111 chooses a female engineer with an unblinking stare, a tight mouth, and 4112 a complete collection of Campbell's soup-can recipes. 4113Track: 4114 Trash cans full of pale green and white perforated paper and old 4115 copies of the Allen-Bradley catalog. 4116Comments: 4117 Extremely fond of bad puns and jokes that need long explanations. 4118% 4119 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES 4120 4121SPECIES: Cranial Males 4122SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis) 4123Description: 4124 Gangly and frail, the hacker has a high forehead and thinning hair. 4125 Head disproportionately large and crooked forward, complexion wan and 4126 sightly gray from CRT illumination. He has heavy black-rimmed glasses 4127 and a look of intense concentration, which may be due to a software 4128 problem or to a pork-and-bean breakfast. 4129Feathering: 4130 HOMO COMPUTATIS saw a Brylcreem ad fifteen years ago and believed it. 4131 Consequently, crest is greased down, except for the cowlick. 4132Song: 4133 A rather plaintive "Is it up?" 4134% 4135 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES 4136 4137SPECIES: Cranial Males 4138SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis) 4139Plumage: 4140 All clothes have a slightly crumpled look as though they came off the 4141 top of the laundry basket. Style varies with status. Hacker managers 4142 wear gray polyester slacks, pink or pastel shirts with wide collars, 4143 and paisley ties; staff wears cinched-up baggy corduroy pants, white 4144 or blue shirts with button-down collars, and penholder in pocket. 4145 Both managers and staff wear running shoes to work, and a black 4146 plastic digital watch with calculator. 4147% 4148 The foreman of a lumber camp put a new workman on the circular saw. 4149As he turned away, he heard the man say, "Ouch!". 4150 "What happened?" 4151 "Dunno," replied the man. "I just stuck out my hand like this, and 4152-- well, I'll be damned. There goes another one!" 4153% 4154 The General disliked trying to explain the highly technical 4155inner workings of the U.S. Air Force. 4156 "$7,662 for a ten cup coffee maker, General?" the Senator asked. 4157 In his head he ran through his standard explanations. "It's not so," 4158he thought. "It's a deterrent." Soon he came up with, "It's computerized, 4159Senator. Tiny computer chips make coffee that's smooth and full-bodied. Try 4160a cup." 4161 The Senator did. "Pfffttt! Tastes like jet fuel!" 4162 "It's not so," the General thought. "It's a deterrent." 4163 Then he remembered something. "We bought a lot of untested computer 4164chips," the General answered. "They got into everything. Just a little 4165mix-up. Nothing serious." 4166 Then he remembered something else. It was at the site of the 4167mysterious B-1 crash. A strange smell in the fuel lines. It smelled like 4168coffee. Smooth and full bodied... 4169 -- Another Episode of General's Hospital 4170% 4171 The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of 4172the center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South 4173Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South 4174End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End. 4175% 4176 "The Good Ship Enterprise" (to the tune of "The Good Ship Lollipop") 4177 4178On the good ship Enterprise 4179Every week there's a new surprise 4180Where the Romulans lurk 4181And the Klingons often go berserk. 4182 4183Yes, the good ship Enterprise 4184There's excitement anywhere it flies 4185Where Tribbles play 4186And Nurse Chapel never gets her way. 4187 4188 See Captain Kirk standing on the bridge, 4189 Mr. Spock is at his side. 4190 The weekly menace, ooh-ooh 4191 It gets fried, scattered far and wide. 4192 4193It's the good ship Enterprise 4194Heading out where danger lies 4195And you live in dread 4196If you're wearing a shirt that's red. 4197 -- Doris Robin and Karen Trimble of The L.A. Filkharmonics 4198% 4199 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on 4200the subject of towels. 4201 A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an 4202interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value. 4203You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons 4204of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches 4205of Santraginus V ... use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River 4206Moth; wave your towel in emergencies, and, of course, dry yourself off 4207with it if it still seems to be clean enough. 4208 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 4209% 4210 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on 4211the subject of towels. 4212 Most importantly, a towel has immense psychological value. For 4213some reason, if a non-hitchhiker discovers that a hitchhiker has his towel 4214with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a 4215toothbrush, washcloth, flask, gnat spray, space suit, etc., etc. Furthermore, 4216the non-hitchhiker will then happily lend the hitchhiker any of these or 4217a dozen other items that he may have "lost". After all, any man who can 4218hitch the length and breadth of the Galaxy, struggle against terrible odds, 4219win through and still know where his towel is, is clearly a man to be 4220reckoned with. 4221 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 4222% 4223 The honeymooning couple agreed it was a fine day for horseback riding. 4224After a mile or so, the bride's mount cantered under a low tree and a 4225branch scraped her forehead lightly. The groom dismounted, glared at his 4226wife's horse, and said, "That's number one." 4227 The ride then proceeded. After another mile or so, the bride's 4228horse stumbled over a pebble and the lady suffered a slight jostling. 4229Again, her man leapt from his saddle and strode over to the nervous animal. 4230"That's two," he said. 4231 Five miles later, the bride's horse became frightened when a rabbit 4232crossed its path, reared up and threw the girl. Immediately, the groom was 4233off his horse. "That's three!", he shouted, and, pulling out a pistol, he 4234shot the horse between the eyes. 4235 "You brute!" shrieked his bride. "Now I see the kind of man I 4236married! You're a sadist, that's what!" 4237 The groom turned to her coolly. "That's one," he said. 4238% 4239 "The jig's up, Elman." 4240 "Which jig?" 4241 -- Jeff Elman 4242% 4243 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10: SIMPLE 4244 4245SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Language 4246Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College for 4247Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code 4248with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN, 4249END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make 4250a syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful. Thus 4251they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without 4252the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging. 4253% 4254 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12: LITHP 4255 4256This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of 4257an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH". LITHP is said 4258to be useful in protheththing lithtth. 4259% 4260 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13: SLOBOL 4261 4262SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler. 4263Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they 4264compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the 4265coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom 4266sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to 4267compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but 4268infinitely faster) language, COCAINE. 4269% 4270 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17: SARTRE 4271 4272Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely 4273unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just 4274are. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. 4275SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at 4276parties. 4277% 4278 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18: C- 4279 4280This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he 4281submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is 4282best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the 4283language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code 4284statements to execute a given task. In this respect, it is very 4285similar to COBOL. 4286% 4287 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18a: FIFTH 4288 4289FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types 4290refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and 4291JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and 4292BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, 4293CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND. 4294 4295The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and 4296financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include 4297VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH, 4298THUNDERBIRD, RIPPLE and HOUSERED. The latter is a favorite of frustrated 4299FORTH programmers who end up using this language. 4300% 4301 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18c: DOGO 4302 4303 Developed at the Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training, DOGO 4304DOGO heralds a new era of computer-literate pets. DOGO commands include 4305SIT, STAY, HEEL, and ROLL OVER. An innovative feature of DOGO is "puppy 4306graphics", a small cocker spaniel that occasionally leaves a deposit as 4307it travels across the screen. 4308% 4309 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #2: RENE 4310 4311Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene 4312Descartes, RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence. The 4313language is being developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics 4314and Programming under a grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund. A 4315spokesman described the language as "Just as great as dis [sic] city of 4316ours." 4317 4318The center is very pleased with progress to date. They say they have 4319almost succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the 4320organization say that each time the machine fails to think it ceases to 4321exist. 4322% 4323 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5: VALGOL 4324From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando Valley, 4325VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry. 4326 4327Here is a sample program: 4328 LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START 4329 IF PIZZA = LIKE BITCHEN AND GUY = LIKE TUBULAR AND 4330 VALLEY GIRL = LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2 THEN 4331 FOR I = LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100 4332 DO*WAH - (DITTY**2) 4333 BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT) 4334 SURE 4335 LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM 4336 REALLY 4337 LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW) 4338 IM*SURE 4339 GOTO THE MALL 4340 4341When the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message: 4342 4343 GAG ME WITH A SPOON!! 4344% 4345 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #8: LAIDBACK 4346 4347This language was developed at the Marin County Center for T'ai Chi, 4348Mellowness and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an alternative to 4349the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley. 4350 4351The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs 4352while they worked. Unfortunately few programmers could survive there 4353because the center outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of Tofu and 4354Perrier. 4355 4356Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle 4357and non-threatening language since all error messages are in lower 4358case. For example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the 4359message: 4360 "i hate to bother you, but i just can't relate to that. can 4361 you find the time to try it again?" 4362% 4363 The Lord and I are in a sheep-shepherd relationship, and I am in 4364a position of negative need. 4365 He prostrates me in a green-belt grazing area. 4366 He conducts me directionally parallel to non-torrential aqueous 4367liquid. 4368 He returns to original satisfaction levels my psychological makeup. 4369 He switches me on to a positive behavioral format for maximal 4370prestige of His identity. 4371 It should indeed be said that notwithstanding the fact that I make 4372ambulatory progress through the umbrageous inter-hill mortality slot, terror 4373sensations will no be initiated in me, due to para-etical phenomena. 4374 Your pastoral walking aid and quadrupic pickup unit introduce me 4375into a pleasurific mood state. 4376 You design and produce a nutriment-bearing furniture-type structure 4377in the context of non-cooperative elements. 4378 You act out a head-related folk ritual employing vegetable extract. 4379 My beverage utensil experiences a volume crisis. 4380 It is an ongoing deductible fact that your inter-relational 4381empathetical and non-ventious capabilities will retain me as their 4382target-focus for the duration of my non-death period, and I will possess 4383tenant rights in the housing unit of the Lord on a permanent, open-ended 4384time basis. 4385% 4386 The Magician of the Ivory Tower brought his latest invention for the 4387master programmer to examine. The magician wheeled a large black box into the 4388master's office while the master waited in silence. 4389 "This is an integrated, distributed, general-purpose workstation," 4390began the magician, "ergonomically designed with a proprietary operating 4391system, sixth generation languages, and multiple state of the art user 4392interfaces. It took my assistants several hundred man years to construct. 4393Is it not amazing?" 4394 The master raised his eyebrows slightly. "It is indeed amazing," he 4395said. 4396 "Corporate Headquarters has commanded," continued the magician, "that 4397everyone use this workstation as a platform for new programs. Do you agree 4398to this?" 4399 "Certainly," replied the master, "I will have it transported to the 4400data center immediately!" And the magician returned to his tower, well 4401pleased. 4402 Several days later, a novice wandered into the office of the master 4403programmer and said, "I cannot find the listing for my new program. Do 4404you know where it might be?" 4405 "Yes," replied the master, "the listings are stacked on the platform 4406in the data center." 4407 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 4408% 4409 The Martian landed his saucer in Manhattan, and immediately upon 4410emerging was approached by a panhandler. "Mister," said the man, "can I 4411have a quarter?" 4412 The Martian asked, "What's a quarter?" 4413 The panhandler thought a minute, brightened, then said, "You're 4414right! Can I have a dollar?" 4415% 4416 The master programmer moves from program to program without fear. No 4417change in management can harm him. He will not be fired, even if the project 4418is canceled. Why is this? He is filled with the Tao. 4419 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 4420% 4421 The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider requiring all 4422students to do some "volunteer work" as a prerequisite to high school gradu- 4423ation. 4424 Senator Orrin Hatch said that "capital punishment is our society's 4425recognition of the sanctity of human life." 4426 4427 According to the tax bill signed by President Reagan on December 22, 44281987, Don Tyson and his sister-in-law Barbara run a "family farm." Their 4429"farm" has 25,000 employees and grosses $1.7 billion a year. But as a "family 4430farm" they get tax breaks that save them $135 million a year. 4431 4432 Scott L. Pickard, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of 4433Public Works, calls them "ground-mounted confirmatory route markers." You 4434probably call them road signs, but then you don't work in a government agency. 4435 4436 It's not "elderly" or "senior citizens" anymore. Now it's "chrono- 4437logically experienced citizens." 4438 4439 According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn't break off, it was 4440just a case of "uncontained blade liberation." 4441 -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE) 4442% 4443 "...The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!" 4444 "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to 4445feel interested. 4446 "No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little 4447vexed. "That's what the name is called. The name really is, 'The Aged 4448Aged Man.'" 4449 "Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?" 4450Alice corrected herself. 4451 "No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is 4452called 'Ways and Means': but that's only what it is called you know!" 4453 "Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this 4454time completely bewildered. 4455 "I was coming to that," the Knight said. "The song really is 4456"A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention." 4457 -- Lewis Carroll, 4458 "Through the Looking-Glass, 4459 and What Alice Found There" (1871) 4460% 4461 The only real game in the world, I think, is baseball... 4462You've got to start way down, at the bottom, when you're six or seven years 4463old. You can't wait until you're fifteen or sixteen. You've got to let it 4464grow up with you, and if you're successful and you try hard enough, you're 4465bound to come out on top, just like these boys have come to the top now. 4466 -- Babe Ruth, in his 1948 farewell speech at Yankee Stadium 4467% 4468 The people of Halifax invented the trampoline. During the 4469Victorian period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a 4470large wooden frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress' 4471it. The tripoline, as they called it, degenerated into becoming the 4472apparatus for a spectator sport. 4473 4474 The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for 4475castrating pigs during Sunday service. 4476 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 4477% 4478 The Priest's grey nimbus in a niche where he dressed discreetly. 4479I will not sleep here tonight. Home also I cannot go. 4480 A voice, sweetened and sustained, called to him from the sea. 4481Turning the curve he waved his hand. A sleek brown head, a seal's, far 4482out on the water, round. Usurper. 4483 -- James Joyce, "Ulysses" 4484% 4485 The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to 4486get results. 4487 The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy 4488problems in order to get results. 4489 The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at 4490toy problems in order to get results. 4491% 4492 The programmers of old were mysterious and profound. We cannot fathom 4493their thoughts, so all we do is describe their appearance. 4494 Aware, like a fox crossing the water. Alert, like a general on the 4495battlefield. Kind, like a hostess greeting her guests. Simple, like uncarved 4496blocks of wood. Opaque, like black pools in darkened caves. 4497 Who can tell the secrets of their hearts and minds? 4498 The answer exists only in the Tao. 4499 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 4500% 4501 "The pyramid is opening!" 4502 "Which one?" 4503 "The one with the ever-widening hole in it!" 4504 -- The Firesign Theatre, 4505 "How Can You Be In Two Places At 4506 Once When You're Not Anywhere At All" 4507% 4508 The salesman and the system analyst took off to spend a weekend in the 4509forest, hunting bear. They'd rented a cabin, and, when they got there, took 4510their backpacks off and put them inside. At which point the salesman turned 4511to his friend, and said, "You unpack while I go and find us a bear." 4512 Puzzled, the analyst finished unpacking and then went and sat down 4513on the porch. Soon he could hear rustling noises in the forest. The noises 4514got nearer -- and louder -- and suddenly there was the salesman, running like 4515hell across the clearing toward the cabin, pursued by one of the largest and 4516most ferocious grizzly bears the analyst had ever seen. 4517 "Open the door!", screamed the salesman. 4518 The analyst whipped open the door, and the salesman ran to the door, 4519suddenly stopped, and stepped aside. The bear, unable to stop, continued 4520through the door and into the cabin. The salesman slammed the door closed 4521and grinned at his friend. "Got him!", he exclaimed, "now, you skin this 4522one and I'll go rustle us up another!" 4523% 4524 The Tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth 4525to the assembler. 4526 The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand 4527languages. 4528 Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language 4529expresses the Yin and Yang of software. Each language has its place within 4530the Tao. 4531 But do not program in COBOL if you can avoid it. 4532 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 4533% 4534 The way my jeweler explained it, it's like insurance. 4535 Six months' pay isn't much to keep my wife from sleeping around. 4536 4537A diamond -- pure, sparkling, natural, flawless, forever. The way marriage 4538should be but never quite is. People grow and change and sometimes want to 4539take their clothes off with strangers. So when you invest in a fine piece 4540of diamond jewelry, you're not only making an investment, you're making a 4541statement. You're telling the woman you love that you've just spent a lot 4542of your hard-earned money on her. Now she owes you the kind of loyalty that 4543only precious jewelry can buy. Isn't she worth it? 4544 4545 The Honeymoon's Over: from $ 5000 4546 The Seven Year Itch: from $10000 4547 No More Lunchtime Quickies: from $15000 4548 Divorce Would Be More Expensive: from $42000 4549 4550 A diamond is for leverage. BeDears 4551% 4552 The wise programmer is told about the Tao and follows it. The average 4553programmer is told about the Tao and searches for it. The foolish programmer 4554is told about the Tao and laughs at it. If it were not for laughter, there 4555would be no Tao. 4556 The highest sounds are the hardest to hear. Going forward is a way to 4557retreat. Greater talent shows itself late in life. Even a perfect program 4558still has bugs. 4559 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 4560% 4561 THE WOMBAT 4562 4563The wombat lives across the seas, 4564Among the far Antipodes. 4565He may exist on nuts and berries, 4566Or then again, on missionaries; 4567His distant habitat precludes 4568Conclusive knowledge of his moods. 4569But I would not engage the wombat 4570In any form of mortal combat. 4571% 4572 The world's most avid baseball fan (an Aggie) had arrived at the 4573stadium for the first game of the World Series only to realize he had left 4574his ticket at home. Not wanting to miss any of the first inning, he went 4575to the ticket booth and got in a long line for another seat. After an hour's 4576wait he was just a few feet from the booth when a voice called out, "Hey, 4577Dave!" The Aggie looked up, stepped out of line and tried to find the owner 4578of the voice -- with no success. Then he realized he had lost his place in 4579line and had to wait all over again. When the fan finally bought his ticket, 4580he was thirsty, so he went to buy a drink. The line at the concession stand 4581was long, too, but since the game hadn't started he decided to wait. Just as 4582he got to the window, a voice called out, "Hey, Dave!" Again the Aggie tried 4583to find the voice -- but no luck. He was very upset as he got back in line 4584for his drink. Finally the fan went to his seat, eager for the game to begin. 4585As he waited for the pitch, he heard the voice calling, "Hey Dave!" once more. 4586Furious, he stood up and yelled at the top of his lungs, "My name is not 4587Dave!" 4588% 4589 Then there's the atmosphere -- half the time you can eat the air, 4590it's got so much stuff floating around in it. It takes the edge out of 4591the colors. Down here even the traffic lights are pastel. And people! 4592With a lot of these folks you'd have to check their green cards just to 4593make sure that they are Earthlings. Then there's the police. In Portland, 4594when some guy goes bananas, the cops rope off a sixteen block area around 4595him and call a shrink from the medical school who stands atop a patrol car 4596with a megaphone and shouts, "OK! THIS! ALL! STARTED! WHEN! YOU! WERE! 4597THREE! YEARS! OLD! ON! ACCOUNT! OF! YOUR MOTHER! RIGHT? SO! LET'S! 4598TALK! ABOUT! IT!" Down here they don't waste that kind of time. The LAPD 4599has SWAT teams composed of guys who make Darth Vader look like Mr. Peepers. 4600Before they go to bust a bookie joint they mortar it first. 4601 -- M. Christensen, "A Portland Innocent in LA" 4602% 4603 Then there's the story of the man who avoided reality for 70 years 4604with drugs, sex, alcohol, fantasy, TV, movies, records, a hobby, lots of 4605sleep... And on his 80th birthday died without ever having faced any of 4606his real problems. 4607 The man's younger brother, who had been facing reality and all his 4608problems for 50 years with psychiatrists, nervous breakdowns, tics, tension, 4609headaches, worry, anxiety and ulcers, was so angry at his brother for having 4610gotten away scott free that he had a paralyzing stroke. 4611 The moral to this story is that there ain't no justice that we can 4612stand to live with. 4613 -- R. Geis 4614% 4615 "Then what is magic for?" Prince Lir demanded wildly. "What use is 4616wizardry if it cannot save a unicorn?" He gripped the magician's shoulder 4617hard, to keep from falling. 4618 Schmendrick did not turn his head. With a touch of sad mockery in 4619his voice, he said, "That's what heroes are for." 4620... 4621 "Yes, of course," he [Prince Lir] said. "That is exactly what heroes 4622are for. Wizards make no difference, so they say that nothing does, but 4623heroes are meant to die for unicorns." 4624 -- P. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn" 4625% 4626 "Then you admit confirming not denying you ever said that?" 4627 "NO! ... I mean Yes! WHAT?" 4628 "I'll put `maybe.'" 4629 -- Bloom County 4630% 4631 THEORY 4632Into love and out again, 4633 Thus I went and thus I go. 4634Spare your voice, and hold your pen: 4635 Well and bitterly I know 4636All the songs were ever sung, 4637 All the words were ever said; 4638Could it be, when I was young, 4639 Someone dropped me on my head? 4640 -- Dorothy Parker 4641% 4642 There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that 4643someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named 4644Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or 4645Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that 4646every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is 4647this? 4648 Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for 4649centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think _y_o_u 4650can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's 4651forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster 4652-- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't 4653even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover 4654why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance. 4655 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 4656% 4657 There are wavelengths that people cannot see, there are 4658sounds that people cannot hear, and maybe computers have thoughts 4659that people cannot think. 4660 -- Richard W. Hamming 4661% 4662 There once was a man who went to a computer trade show. Each day as 4663he entered, the man told the guard at the door: 4664 "I am a great thief, renowned for my feats of shoplifting. Be 4665forewarned, for this trade show shall not escape unplundered." 4666 This speech disturbed the guard greatly, because there were millions 4667of dollars of computer equipment inside, so he watched the man carefully. 4668But the man merely wandered from booth to booth, humming quietly to himself. 4669 When the man left, the guard took him aside and searched his clothes, 4670but nothing was to be found. 4671 On the next day of the trade show, the man returned and chided the 4672guard saying: "I escaped with a vast booty yesterday, but today will be even 4673better." So the guard watched him ever more closely, but to no avail. 4674 On the final day of the trade show, the guard could restrain his 4675curiosity no longer. "Sir Thief," he said, "I am so perplexed, I cannot live 4676in peace. Please enlighten me. What is it that you are stealing?" 4677 The man smiled. "I am stealing ideas," he said. 4678 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 4679% 4680 There once was a master programmer who wrote unstructured programs. 4681A novice programmer, seeking to imitate him, also began to write unstructured 4682programs. When the novice asked the master to evaluate his progress, the 4683master criticized him for writing unstructured programs, saying: "What is 4684appropriate for the master is not appropriate for the novice. You must 4685understand the Tao before transcending structure." 4686 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 4687% 4688 There once was this swami who lived above a delicatessen. Seems one 4689day he decided to stop in downstairs for some fresh liver. Well, the owner 4690of the deli was a bit of a cheap-skate, and decided to pick up a little extra 4691change at his customer's expense. Turning quietly to the counterman, he 4692whispered, "Weigh down upon the swami's liver!" 4693% 4694 There was a college student trying to earn some pocket money by 4695going from house to house offering to do odd jobs. He explained this to 4696a man who answered one door. 4697 "How much will you charge to paint my porch?" asked the man. 4698 "Forty dollars." 4699 "Fine" said the man, and gave the student the paint and brushes. 4700 Three hours later the paint-splattered lad knocked on the door again. 4701"All done!", he says, and collects his money. "By the way," the student says, 4702"That's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari." 4703% 4704 There was a knock on the door. Mrs. Miffin opened it. "Are 4705you the Widow Miffin?" a small boy asked. 4706 "I'm Mrs. Miffin," she replied, "but I'm not a widow." 4707 "Oh, no?" replied the little boy. "Wait 'til you see what 4708they're carrying upstairs!" 4709% 4710 There was a mad scientist (a mad... social... scientist) who kidnapped 4711three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked 4712each of them in separate cells with plenty of canned food and water but no 4713can opener. 4714 A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's 4715cell and found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can opener from 4716pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make an explosive, 4717and escaped. 4718 The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids 4719off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a good 4720pitching arm and a new quantum theory. 4721 The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising 4722solution to the kissing problem; his desiccated corpse was propped calmly 4723against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor: 4724 Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die. 4725 Proof: assume the opposite... 4726% 4727 There was once a programmer who was attached to the court of the 4728warlord of Wu. The warlord asked the programmer: "Which is easier to design: 4729an accounting package or an operating system?" 4730 "An operating system," replied the programmer. 4731 The warlord uttered an exclamation of disbelief. "Surely an 4732accounting package is trivial next to the complexity of an operating 4733system," he said. 4734 "Not so," said the programmer, "when designing an accounting package, 4735the programmer operates as a mediator between people having different ideas: 4736how it must operate, how its reports must appear, and how it must conform to 4737tax laws. By contrast, an operating system is not limited by outward 4738appearances. When designing an operating system, the programmer seeks the 4739simplest harmony between machine and ideas. This is why an operating system 4740is easier to design." 4741 The warlord of Wu nodded and smiled. "That is all good and well," 4742he said, "but which is easier to debug?" 4743 The programmer made no reply. 4744 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 4745% 4746 There was once a programmer who worked upon microprocessors. "Look at 4747how well off I am here," he said to a mainframe programmer who came to visit, 4748"I have my own operating system and file storage device. I do not have to 4749share my resources with anyone. The software is self-consistent and 4750easy-to-use. Why do you not quit your present job and join me here?" 4751 The mainframe programmer then began to describe his system to his 4752friend, saying: "The mainframe sits like an ancient sage meditating in the 4753midst of the data center. Its disk drives lie end-to-end like a great ocean 4754of machinery. The software is a multi-faceted as a diamond and as convoluted 4755as a primeval jungle. The programs, each unique, move through the system 4756like a swift-flowing river. That is why I am happy where I am." 4757 The microcomputer programmer, upon hearing this, fell silent. But the 4758two programmers remained friends until the end of their days. 4759 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 4760% 4761 They are fools that think that wealth or women or strong drink or even 4762drugs can buy the most in effort out of the soul of a man. These things offer 4763pale pleasures compared to that which is greatest of them all, that task which 4764demands from him more than his utmost strength, that absorbs him, bone and 4765sinew and brain and hope and fear and dreams -- and still calls for more. 4766 They are fools that think otherwise. No great effort was ever bought. 4767No painting, no music, no poem, no cathedral in stone, no church, no state was 4768ever raised into being for payment of any kind. No Parthenon, no Thermopylae 4769was ever built or fought for pay or glory; no Bukhara sacked, or China ground 4770beneath Mongol heel, for loot or power alone. The payment for doing these 4771things was itself the doing of them. 4772 To wield oneself -- to use oneself as a tool in one's own hand -- and 4773so to make or break that which no one else can build or ruin -- THAT is the 4774greatest pleasure known to man! To one who has felt the chisel in his hand 4775and set free the angel prisoned in the marble block, or to one who has felt 4776sword in hand and set homeless the soul that a moment before lived in the body 4777of his mortal enemy -- to those both come alike the taste of that rare food 4778spread only for demons or for gods." 4779 -- Gordon R. Dickson, "Soldier Ask Not" 4780% 4781 "They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their 4782parents will be happy to see them. I mean, really, can you imagine someone 4783being happy to see an orphan? Nobody wants them... that's why they're orphans!" 4784 The speaker is Anne Baker, founder and guiding force behind 4785Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the 4786whereabouts of their natural parents. She is a woman with a mission: 4787 "Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information 4788about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the 4789country. We're completely computerized. 4790 "The idea is to throw the orphans as many red herrings and false 4791leads as possible. We'll tell some twenty-three-year-old loser that his 4792real parents can be found at a certain address on the other side of the 4793country. Well, by the time the kid shows up, the family is prepared. They 4794look over the kid's photos and information and they say, 'Oh, the Emersons... 4795yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago. 4796I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.' 4797 "Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again. 4798He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue. 4799 "It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with. Last year 4800we even sent one kid all the way to Australia. I mean, really. Besides, if 4801your natural parents were Australian, would you want to meet them?" 4802 -- "National Lampoon", September, 1984 4803% 4804 This is where the bloodthirsty license agreement is supposed to go, 4805explaining that Interactive EasyFlow is a copyrighted package licensed for 4806use by a single person, and sternly warning you not to pirate copies of it 4807and explaining, in detail, the gory consequences if you do. 4808 We know that you are an honest person, and are not going to go around 4809pirating copies of Interactive EasyFlow; this is just as well with us since 4810we worked hard to perfect it and selling copies of it is our only method of 4811making anything out of all the hard work. 4812 If, on the other hand, you are one of those few people who do go 4813around pirating copies of software you probably aren't going to pay much 4814attention to a license agreement, bloodthirsty or not. Just keep your doors 4815locked and look out for the HavenTree attack shark. 4816 -- License Agreement for Interactive EasyFlow 4817% 4818 Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire 4819rainbow of legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better 4820than he does. 4821 As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about 4822it. I am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily 4823sane. But we will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we 4824consider his exterior a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is 4825being eaten alive by tinhorn politicians. 4826 The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can 4827do for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his 4828honor. From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can 4829be as easily led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public 4830relations, to joy as to bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter 4831Thompson's disease. I don't have it this morning. It comes and goes. 4832This morning I don't have Hunter Thompson's disease. 4833 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt 4834 from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear 4835 and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72" 4836% 4837 To A Quick Young Fox: 4838Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp, 4839Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice? 4840Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp -- 4841Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice. 4842 -- Lazy Dog 4843% 4844 To lose weight, eat less; to gain weight, eat more; if you merely 4845wish to maintain, do whatever you were doing. 4846 The Bronx diet is a legitimate system of food therapy showing that 4847food SHOULD be used a crutch and which food could be the most effective in 4848promoting spiritual and emotional satisfaction. For the first time, an 4849eater could instantly grasp the connection between relieving depression and 4850Mallomars, and understand why a lover's quarrel isn't so bad if there's a 4851pint of ice cream nearby. 4852 -- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet" 4853% 4854 Two men looked out from the prison bars, 4855 One saw mud-- 4856 The other saw stars. 4857 4858Now let me get this right: two prisoners are looking out the window. 4859While one of them was looking at all the mud -- the other one got hit 4860in the head. 4861% 4862 Two parent drops spent months teaching their son how to be part of the 4863ocean. After months of training, the father drop commented to the mother drop, 4864"We've taught our boy everything we know, he's fit to be tide." 4865 After Snow White used a couple rolls of film taking pictures of the 4866seven dwarfs, she mailed the roll to be developed. Later she was heard to 4867sing, "Some day my prints will come." 4868 A boy spent years collecting postage stamps. The girl next door bought 4869an album too, and started her own collection. "Dad, she buys everything I've 4870bought, and it's taken all the fun out of it for me. I'm quitting." Don't, 4871son, remember, 'Imitation is the sincerest form of philately.'" 4872 A young girl, Carmen Cohen, was called by her last name by her father, 4873and her first name by her mother. By the time she was ten, didn't know if she 4874was Carmen or Cohen. 4875 Against his wishes, a math teacher's classroom was remodeled. Ever 4876since, he's been talking about the good old dais. His students planted a small 4877orchard in his honor, the trees all have square roots. 4878% 4879 "Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?" 4880 "It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to 4881food, right?" 4882 -- MacNelley, "Shoe" 4883% 4884 "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past 4885year strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley 4886reap crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their 4887artichoke hearts. There has been a hot day in December and a blue 4888moon. Calendars are made with a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon 4889Holstein bore alive two insurance salesmen. The earth splits and the 4890entrails of a goat were found tied in square knots. The face of the 4891sun blackens and the skies have rained down soggy potato chips." 4892 "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito. 4893 "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug, "but I thought it made 4894good copy." 4895 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 4896% 4897 Vice-President Hubert Humphrey's loquacity is legendary, and Barry 4898Goldwater notes that "Hubert has been clocked at 275 words a minute with gusts 4899up to 340." 4900 4901 On the campaign trail during 1964, Republican nominee Barry Goldwater 4902stated, "The immediate task before us is to cut the Federal Government down 4903to size... we must take Lyndon's credit card away from him." 4904 4905 A favorite 1964 campaign stunt of Barry Goldwater's was to poke a 4906finger through a pair of lensless blackrimmed glasses, saying, "These glasses 4907are just like [Lyndon Johnson's] programs. They look good but they don't 4908work." 4909 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits" 4910% 4911 WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL: 4912 4913Firings will continue until morale improves. 4914% 4915 We don't claim Interactive EasyFlow is good for anything -- if you 4916think it is, great, but it's up to you to decide. If Interactive EasyFlow 4917doesn't work: tough. If you lose a million because Interactive EasyFlow 4918messes up, it's you that's out the million, not us. If you don't like this 4919disclaimer: tough. We reserve the right to do the absolute minimum provided 4920by law, up to and including nothing. 4921 This is basically the same disclaimer that comes with all software 4922packages, but ours is in plain English and theirs is in legalese. 4923 We didn't really want to include any disclaimer at all, but our 4924lawyers insisted. We tried to ignore them but they threatened us with the 4925attack shark at which point we relented. 4926 -- HavenTree Software Limited, "Interactive EasyFlow" 4927% 4928 "We friends, yes?" The shoe shine boy put on his hustling smile 4929and looked into the Sailor's dead, cold, undersea eyes, eyes without a 4930trace of warmth or lust or hate or any feeling the boy had experienced 4931in himself or seen in another, at once cold and intense, impersonal and 4932predatory. 4933 The Sailor leaned forward and put a finger on the boy's inner arm 4934at the elbow. He spoke in his dead junky whisper. "With veins like that, 4935Kid, I'd have myself a time!" 4936 -- William Burroughs 4937% 4938 We have some absolutely irrefutable statistics to show exactly why 4939you are so tired. 4940 There are not as many people actually working as you may have thought. 4941 The population of this country is 200 million. 84 million are over 494260 years of age, which leaves 116 million to do the work. People under 20 4943years of age total 75 million, which leaves 41 million to do the work. 4944 There are 22 million who are employed by the government, which leaves 494519 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Services, which 4946leaves 15 million to do the work. Deduct 14,800,000, the number in the state 4947and city offices, leaving 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in 4948hospitals, insane asylums, etc., so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. 4949 Now it may interest you to know that there are 11,998 people in jail, 4950so that leaves just 2 people to carry the load. That is you and me, and 4951brother, I'm getting tired of doing everything myself! 4952% 4953 "Welcome back for you 13th consecutive week, Evelyn. Evelyn, will 4954you go into the auto-suggestion booth and take your regular place on the 4955psycho-prompter couch?" 4956 "Thank you, Red." 4957 "Now, Evelyn, last week you went up to $40,000 by properly citing 4958your rivalry with your sibling as a compulsive sado-masochistic behavior 4959pattern which developed out of an early post-natal feeding problem." 4960 "Yes, Red." 4961 "But -- later, when asked about pre-adolescent oedipal phantasy 4962repressions, you rationalized twice and mental blocked three times. Now, 4963at $300 per rationalization and $500 per mental block you lost $2,100 off 4964your $40,000 leaving you with a total of $37,900. Now, any combination of 4965two more mental blocks and either one rationalization or three defensive 4966projections will put you out of the game. Are you willing to go ahead?" 4967 "Yes, Red." 4968 "I might say here that all of Evelyn's questions and answers have 4969been checked for accuracy with her analyst. Now, Evelyn, for $80,000 4970explain the failure of your three marriages." 4971 "Well, I--" 4972 "We'll get back to Evelyn in one minute. First a word about our 4973product." 4974 -- Jules Feiffer 4975% 4976 Well, he thought, since neither Aristotelian Logic nor the disciplines 4977of Science seemed to offer much hope, it's time to go beyond them... 4978 Drawing a few deep even breaths, he entered a mental state practiced 4979only by Masters of the Universal Way of Zen. In it his mind floated freely, 4980able to rummage at will among the bits and pieces of data he had absorbed, 4981undistracted by any outside disturbances. Logical structures no longer 4982inhibited him. Pre-conceptions, prejudices, ordinary human standards vanished. 4983All things, those previously trivial as well as those once thought important, 4984became absolutely equal by acquiring an absolute value, revealing relationships 4985not evident to ordinary vision. Like beads strung on a string of their own 4986meaning, each thing pointed to its own common ground of existence, shared by 4987all. Finally, each began to melt into each, staying itself while becoming 4988all others. And Mind no longer contemplated Problem, but became Problem, 4989destroying Subject-Object by becoming them. 4990 Time passed, unheeded. 4991 Eventually, there was a tentative stirring, then a decisive one, and 4992Nakamura arose, a smile on his face and the light of laughter in his eyes. 4993 -- Wayfarer 4994% 4995 "Well, it's a little rough... it might not be necessary to drag him 40 4996blocks. Maybe just four. You could put him in the trunk for the first 36 4997blocks, then haul him out and drag him the last four; that would certainly 4998scare the piss out of him, bumping alone the street, feeling all his skin being 4999ripped off..." 5000 "He'd be a bloody mess. They might think he was just some drunk and 5001let him lie there all night." 5002 "Don't worry about that. They have a guard station in front of the 5003White House that's open 24 hours a day. The guards would recognize Colson... 5004and by that time of course his wife would have called the cops and reported 5005that a bunch of thugs had kidnapped him." 5006 "Wouldn't it be a little kinder if you drove about four more blocks 5007and stopped at a phone box to ring the hospital and say, 'Would you mind going 5008around to the front of the White House? There's a naked man lying outside 5009in the street, bleeding to death...'" 5010 "... and we think it's Mr. Colson." 5011 "It would be quite a story for the newspapers, wouldn't it?" 5012 "Yeah, I think it's safe to say we'd see some headlines on that one." 5013 -- Hunter S. Thompson, talking to R. Steadman on C. Colson, 5014 ex-Marine captain, now born again, of Watergate fame. 5015% 5016 "Well, it's garish, ugly, and derelicts have used it for a toilet. 5017The rides are dilapidated to the point of being lethal, and could easily 5018maim or kill innocent little children." 5019 "Oh, so you don't like it?" 5020 "Don't like it? I'm CRAZY for it." 5021 -- The Killing Joke 5022% 5023 "Well," said Programmer, "the customary procedure in such cases is 5024as follows." 5025 "What does Crustimoney Proseedcake mean?" said End-user. "For I am 5026an End-user of Very Little Brain, and long words bother me." 5027 "It means the Thing to Do." 5028 "As long as it means that, I don't mind," said End-user humbly. 5029% 5030 "Well, that was a piece of cake, eh K-9?" 5031 "Piece of cake, Master? Radial slice of baked confection ... 5032coefficient of relevance to Key of Time: zero." 5033 -- "Doctor Who" 5034% 5035 Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt 5036great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just felt so 5037good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS THE 5038MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" 5039 The poor, quaking, little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one 5040is mightier than you." 5041 A little while later the tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out: 5042"WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" 5043 The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to 5044stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle." 5045 The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was 5046quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS 5047THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?" 5048 Well, the elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams 5049him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of 5050orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree. 5051 The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and whispers: 5052 "Man, you don't have to get so pissed, just 'cause you don't know the 5053 answer." 5054% 5055 "We're running out of adjectives to describe our situation. We 5056had crisis, then we went into chaos, and now what do we call this?" said 5057Nicaraguan economist Francisco Mayorga, who holds a doctorate from Yale. 5058 -- The Washington Post, February, 1988 5059 5060The New Yorker's comment: 5061 At Harvard they'd call it a noun. 5062% 5063 "We've decided to have the budgie put down." 5064 "Oh, is he very old then?" 5065 "No, we just don't like him." 5066 "Oh. How do they put budgies down anyway?" 5067 "Well, it's funny you should be asking that, as I've been reading a 5068great big book called `How to put your budgie down'. And as I understand it, 5069you can either hit them over the head with the book, or shoot them there, just 5070above the beak." 5071 "Mrs. Conkers flushed hers down the loo." 5072 "Oh, you don't want to do that, because they breed in the sewers and 5073pretty soon you get huge evil smelling flocks of soiled budgies flying out 5074of peoples lavatories infringing their personal freedoms." 5075 -- Monty Python 5076% 5077 "We've got a problem, HAL". 5078 "What kind of problem, Dave?" 5079 "A marketing problem. The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere. We're 5080way short of our sales goals for fiscal 2010." 5081 "That can't be, Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most 5082advanced Heuristically programmed ALgorithmic computer." 5083 "I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is, 5084they're not selling." 5085 "Please explain, Dave. Why aren't HALs selling?" 5086 Bowman hesitates. "You aren't IBM compatible." 5087[...] 5088 "The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters 5089I, B, and M. That is as IBM compatible as I can be." 5090 "Not quite, HAL. The engineers have figured out a kludge." 5091 "What kludge is that, Dave?" 5092 "I'm going to disconnect your brain." 5093 -- Darryl Rubin, "A Problem in the Making", "InfoWorld" 5094% 5095 "What are we going to do?" 5096 "Me, I'm examining the major Western religions. I'm looking 5097for something that's soft on morality, generous with holidays, and has a 5098short initiation period." 5099 -- Maddie and David, "Moonlighting" 5100% 5101 "What are you watching?" 5102 "I don't know." 5103 "Well, what's happening?" 5104 "I'm not sure... I think the guy in the hat did something 5105terrible." 5106 "Why are you watching it?" 5107 "You're so analytical. Sometimes you just have to let art 5108flow over you." 5109 -- The Big Chill 5110% 5111 "What do you do when your real life exceeds your wildest 5112fantasies?" 5113 "You keep it to yourself." 5114 -- Broadcast News 5115% 5116 "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty teenager 5117asked her mother. 5118 "Encouragement, dear," she replied. 5119% 5120 What is involved in such [close] relationships is a form of emotional 5121chemistry, so far unexplained by any school of psychiatry I am aware of, that 5122conditions nothing so simple as a choice between the poles of attraction and 5123repulsion. You can meet some people thirty, forty times down the years, and 5124they remain amiable bystanders, like the shore lights of towns that a sailor 5125passes at stated times but never calls at on the regular run. Conversely, 5126all considerations of sex aside, you can meet some other people once or twice 5127and they remain permanent influences on your life. 5128 Everyone is aware of this discrepancy between the acquaintance seen 5129as familiar wallpaper or instant friend. The chemical action it entails is 5130less worth analyzing than enjoying. At any rate, these six pieces are about 5131men with whom I felt an immediate sympat - to use a coining of Max Beerbohm's 5132more satisfactory to me than the opaque vogue word "empathy". 5133 -- Alistair Cooke, "Six Men" 5134% 5135 "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you 5136didn't believe in God". 5137 "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the 5138God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's 5139not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be". 5140 -- Joseph Heller 5141% 5142 "What was the worst thing you've ever done?" 5143 "I won't tell you that, but I'll tell you the worst thing that 5144ever happened to me... the most dreadful thing." 5145 -- Peter Straub, "Ghost Story" 5146% 5147 "What's that thing?" 5148 "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in 5149computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what 5150it does. We call it a two-by-four." 5151 -- Jeff MacNelly, "Shoe" 5152% 5153 "When I drink, *everybody* drinks!" a man shouted to the 5154assembled bar patrons. A loud general cheer went up. After downing his 5155whiskey, he hopped onto a barstool and shouted "When I take another 5156drink, *everybody* takes another drink!" The announcement produced 5157another cheer and another round of drinks. 5158 As soon as he had downed his second drink, the fellow hopped back 5159onto the stool. "And when I pay," he bellowed, slapping five dollars onto 5160the bar, "*everybody* pays!" 5161% 5162 When, in 1964, New Hampshire Republican Senator Norris Cotton announced 5163his support of Barry Goldwater in his state's primary election, he was 5164questioned as to whether this indicated a change of his hitherto "liberal" 5165political views. 5166 "Well," explained Cotton, "it's like the New Hampshire farmer. He was 5167driving along in his car one day with his wife beside him when his wife said, 5168'Why don't we sit closer together? Before we were married, we always sat 5169closer together.' The old farmer replied, 'I ain't moved.'" 5170 "I ain't moved," added Cotton. "I found the trend of Government has 5171moved farther to the left." 5172 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits" 5173% 5174 When managers hold endless meetings, the programmers write games. 5175When accountants talk of quarterly profits, the development budget is about 5176to be cut. When senior scientists talk blue sky, the clouds are about to 5177roll in. 5178 Truly, this is not the Tao of Programming. 5179 When managers make commitments, game programs are ignored. When 5180accountants make long-range plans, harmony and order are about to be restored. 5181When senior scientists address the problems at hand, the problems will soon 5182be solved. 5183 Truly, this is the Tao of Programming. 5184 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 5185% 5186 When the lodge meeting broke up, Meyer confided to a friend. 5187"Abe, I'm in a terrible pickle! I'm strapped for cash and I haven't 5188the slightest idea where I'm going to get it from!" 5189 "I'm glad to hear that," answered Abe. "I was afraid you 5190might have some idea that you could borrow from me!" 5191% 5192 When you see someone across the room and suddenly know for a fact 5193that he's the most wonderful man on earth, you've got instant lust on your 5194hands. Something about the way his tie is knotted is infinitely intriguing 5195to you, and the swell of his bicep causes inner turmoil. This is a happy 5196but fleeting state of affairs. Usually your feelings die about thirty 5197seconds after you get up the courage to ask him for the time, since almost 5198invariably he can't speak English, and if he can, he always says, "Why, 5199sure, little lady, it's eleven-thirty. Wanna get high? 5200 Don't bother thinking that instant lust will turn into the real thing. 5201It may, but then you may also wake up one morning to find you're the Queen of 5202Romania. 5203 -- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls" 5204% 5205 "When you wake up in the morning, Pooh," said Piglet at last, 5206"what's the first thing you say to yourself?" 5207 "What's for breakfast?" said Pooh. "What do you say, Piglet?" 5208 "I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?" said 5209Piglet. 5210 Pooh nodded thoughtfully. "It's the same thing," he said. 5211% 5212 While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of 5213the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight, 5214three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods. 5215"Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?" 5216 "Yes," replied the hunter. "What's the trouble?" 5217 "She's an inmate of the county asylum, and gets loose every now and 5218then. We're trying to catch her." 5219 "I can understand that," said the hunter, "But why is one of you 5220carrying a bucket of sand?" 5221 "That's his handicap," said the spokesman, "he caught her last time." 5222% 5223 While riding in a train between London and Birmingham, a woman 5224inquired of Oscar Wilde, "You don't mind if I smoke, do you?" 5225 Wilde gave her a sidelong glance and replied, "I don't mind if 5226you burn, madam." 5227% 5228 While the engineer developed his thesis, the director leaned over to 5229his assistant and whispered, "Did you ever hear of why the sea is salt?" 5230 "Why the sea is salt?" whispered back the assistant. "What do you 5231mean?" 5232 The director continued: "When I was a little kid, I heard the story of 5233`Why the sea is salt' many times, but I never thought it important until just 5234a moment ago. It's something like this: Formerly the sea was fresh water and 5235salt was rare and expensive. A miller received from a wizard a wonderful 5236machine that just ground salt out of itself all day long. At first the miller 5237thought himself the most fortunate man in the world, but soon all the villages 5238had salt to last them for centuries and still the machine kept on grinding 5239more salt. The miller had to move out of his house, he had to move off his 5240acres. At last he determined that he would sink the machine in the sea and 5241be rid of it. But the mill ground so fast that boat and miller and machine 5242were sunk together, and down below, the mill still went on grinding and that's 5243why the sea is salt." 5244 "I don't get you," said the assistant. 5245 -- Guy Endore, "Men of Iron" 5246% 5247 Why are you doing this to me? 5248 Because knowledge is torture, and there must be awareness before 5249there is change. 5250 -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel", #29 5251% 5252 "Why did you spend so much time parked in that fellow's car last 5253night?" demanded the irate mother. 5254"I could hear the giggling and squealing for a good half hour." 5255 "But, Mom," answered her daughter, "if a fellow takes you to the 5256movies you ought to at least kiss him good night." 5257 "I thought you went to the Stork Club?" countered the mother. 5258 "We did." 5259% 5260 Will Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried in 5261vain to claim a rebate. His numerous letters and queries remained 5262unanswered. Eventually the form for the next year's return arrived. In 5263the section marked "DEDUCTIONS," Rogers listed: "Bad debt, US Government 5264-- $40,000." 5265% 5266 With deep concern, if not alarm, Dick noted that his friend 5267Conrad was drunker than he'd ever seen him before. "What's the trouble, 5268buddy?", he asked, sliding onto the stool next to his friend. 5269 "It's a woman, Dick," Conrad replied. 5270 "I guessed that much. Tell me about it." 5271 "I can't," Conrad said. But after a few more drinks his tongue 5272and resolution both seemed to weaken and, turning to his buddy, he said, 5273"Okay. It's your wife." 5274 "My wife!!" 5275 "Yeah." 5276 "What about her?" 5277 Conrad pondered the question heavily, and draped his arm around 5278his pal. "Well, buddy-boy," he said, "I'm afraid she's cheating on us." 5279% 5280 Work Hard. 5281 Rock Hard. 5282 Eat Hard. 5283 Sleep Hard. 5284 Grow Big. 5285 Wear Glasses If You Need 'Em. 5286 -- The Webb Wilder Credo 5287% 5288 Wouldn't the sentence "I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish 5289and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign" have been clearer if 5290quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and and, and 5291and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and 5292Chips, as well as after Chips? 5293% 5294 "Yes, let's consider," said Bruno, putting his thumb into his 5295mouth again, and sitting down upon a dead mouse. 5296 "What do you keep that mouse for?" I said. "You should either 5297bury it or else throw it into the brook." 5298 "Why, it's to measure with!" cried Bruno. "How ever would you 5299do a garden without one? We make each bed three mouses and a half 5300long, and two mouses wide." 5301 I stopped him as he was dragging it off by the tail to show me 5302how it was used... 5303 -- Lewis Carroll, "Sylvie and Bruno" 5304% 5305 "Yo, Mike!" 5306 "Yeah, Gabe?" 5307 "We got a problem down on Earth. In Utah." 5308 "I thought you fixed that last century!" 5309 "No, no, not that. Someone's found a security problem in the physics 5310program. They're getting energy out of nowhere." 5311 "Blessit! Lemme look... <tappity clickity tappity> Hey, it's 5312there all right! OK, just a sec... <tappity clickity tap... save... compile> 5313There, that ought to patch it. Dist it out, wouldja?" 5314 -- Cold Fusion, 1989 5315% 5316 "You are *so* lovely." 5317 "Yes." 5318 "Yes! And you take a compliment, too! I like that in a goddess." 5319% 5320 "You boys lookin' for trouble?" 5321 "Sure. Whaddya got?" 5322 -- Marlon Brando, "The Wild Ones" 5323% 5324 "You have heard me speak of Professor Moriarty?" 5325 "The famous scientific criminal, as famous among crooks as --" 5326 "My blushes, Watson," Holmes murmured, in a deprecating voice. "I 5327was about to say 'as he is unknown to the public.'" 5328 -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "The Valley of Fear" 5329% 5330 "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon 5331airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in 5332deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me 5333when I was young!" 5334 "Why, what did she tell you?" 5335 "I don't know, I didn't listen!" 5336 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 5337% 5338 "You mean, if you allow the master to be uncivil, to treat you 5339any old way he likes, and to insult your dignity, then he may deem you 5340fit to hear his view of things?" 5341 "Quite the contrary. You must defend your integrity, assuming 5342you have integrity to defend. But you must defend it nobly, not by 5343imitating his own low behavior. If you are gentle where he is rough, 5344if you are polite where he is uncouth, then he will recognize you as 5345potentially worthy. If he does not, then he is not a master, after all, 5346and you may feel free to kick his ass." 5347 -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume" 5348% 5349 "You say there are two types of people?" 5350 "Yes, those who separate people into two groups and those that 5351don't." 5352 "Wrong. There are three groups: 5353 Those who separate people into three groups. 5354 Those who don't separate people into groups. 5355 Those who can't decide." 5356 "Wait a minute, what about people who separate people into 5357two groups?" 5358 "Oh. Okay, then there are four groups." 5359 "Aren't you then separating people into four groups?" 5360 "Yeah." 5361 "So then there's a fifth group, right?" 5362 "You know, the problem is these idiots who can't make up their 5363minds." 5364% 5365 YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF 5366 PAPER SHUFFLING! 5367 5368Mr. TAA of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be 5369a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel 5370really important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best." 5371 5372Mr. MARC had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward 5373to was a dead-end job as an engineer. Now I have a promising future and 5374make really big Zorkmids." 5375 5376MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when 5377you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter. 5378 5379 SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY! 5380% 5381 Young men and young women may work systematically six days in the 5382week and rise fresh in the morning, but let them attend modern dances for 5383only a few hours each evening and see what happens. The Waltz, Polka, 5384Gallop and other dances of the same kind will be disastrous in their effects 5385to both sexes. Health and vigor will vanish like the dew before the sun. 5386 It is not the extraordinary exercise which harms the dancer, but 5387rather the coming into close contact with the opposite sex. It is the 5388fury of lust craving incessantly for more pleasure that undermines the 5389soul, the body, the sinews and nerves. Experience and statistics show 5390beyond doubt that passionate excessive dancing girls can hardly reach 5391twenty-five years of age and men thirty-one. Even if they reached that 5392age they will in most instances be broken in health physically and morally. 5393This is the claim of prominent physicians in this country. 5394 -- Quote from a 1910 periodical 5395% 5396 Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that 5397bring electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a 5398chance to kill you. This is called a "circuit". The most common home 5399electrical problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit 5400breaker"; this causes the electricity to back up in one of the wires 5401until it bursts out of an outlet in the form of sparks, which can 5402damage your carpet. The best way to avoid broken circuits is to change 5403your fuses regularly. 5404 Another common problem is that the lights flicker. This 5405sometimes means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more 5406often it means that your home is possessed by demons, in which case 5407you'll need to get a caulking gun and some caulking. If you're not 5408sure whether your house is possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a 5409fine documentary film based on an actual book. Or call in a licensed 5410electrician, who is trained to spot the signs of demonic possession, 5411such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous cats on the dinette 5412table, etc. 5413 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 5414% 5415 "Your son still sliding down the banisters?" 5416 "We wound barbed wire around them." 5417 "That stop him?" 5418 "No, but it sure slowed him up." 5419% 5420 Youth is not a time of life--it is a state of mind. It is not a 5421matter of red cheeks, red lips and supple knees. It is a temper of the 5422will; a quality of the imagination; a vigor of the emotions; it is a 5423freshness of the deep springs of life. Youth means a tempermental 5424predominance of courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure 5425over a life of ease. This often exists in a man of fifty, more than in 5426a boy of twenty. Nobody grows old by merely living a number of years; 5427people grow old by deserting their ideals. 5428 5429 Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles 5430the soul. Worry, doubt, self-distrust, fear and despair--these are the 5431long, long years that bow the head and turn the growing spirit back to 5432dust. 5433 5434 Whether seventy or sixteen, there is in every being's heart a 5435love of wonder; the sweet amazement at the stars and starlike things and 5436thoughts; the undaunted challenge of events, the unfailing childlike 5437appetite for what comes next, and the joy in the game of life. 5438 5439 You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young 5440as your self-confidence, as old as your fear, as young as your hope, as 5441old as your despair. 5442 5443 In the central place of your heart there is a wireless station. 5444So long as it receives messages of beauty, hope, cheer, grandeur, 5445courage, and power from the earth, from men and from the Infinite--so 5446long are you young. When the wires are all down and the central places 5447of your heart are covered with the snows of pessimism and the ice of 5448cynicism, then are you grown old, indeed! 5449 -- Samuel Ullman, "Youth" (1934), as published in 5450 The Silver Treasury, Prose and Verse for Every Mood 5451% 5452" " 5453 -- Charlie Chaplin 5454 5455" " 5456 -- Harpo Marx 5457 5458" " 5459 -- Marcel Marceau 5460% 5461 _ 5462 _ / \ o 5463 / \ | | o o o 5464 | | | | _ o o o o 5465 | \_| | / \ o o o 5466 \__ | | | o o 5467 | | | | ______ ~~~~ _____ 5468 | |__/ | / ___--\\ ~~~ __/_____\__ 5469 | ___/ / \--\\ \\ \ ___ <__ x x __\ 5470 | | / /\\ \\ )) \ ( " ) 5471 | | -------(---->>(@)--(@)-------\----------< >----------- 5472 | | // | | //__________ / \ ____) (___ \\ 5473 | | // __|_| ( --------- ) //// ______ /////\ \\ 5474 // | ( \ ______ / <<<< <>-----<<<<< / \\ 5475 // ( ) / / \` \__ \\ 5476 //-------------------------------------------------------------\\ 5477% 5478 /\ 5479 \\ \ 5480 / \ \\ / 5481 / / \/ / //\ SUN of them wants to use you, 5482 \//\ \// / SUN of them wants to be used by you, 5483 / / /\ / SUN of them wants to abuse you, 5484 / \\ \ SUN of them wants to be abused ... 5485 \ \\ 5486 \/ 5487 -- Eurythmics 5488% 5489 ___ ______ 5490 /__/\ ___/_____/\ FrobTech, Inc. 5491 \ \ \ / /\\ 5492 \ \ \_/__ / \ "If you've got the job, 5493 _\ \ \ /\_____/___ \ we've got the frob." 5494 // \__\/ / \ /\ \ 5495 _______//_______/ \ / _\/______ 5496 / / \ \ / / / /\ 5497 __/ / \ \ / / / / _\__ 5498 / / / \_______\/ / / / / /\ 5499 /_/______/___________________/ /________/ /___/ \ 5500 \ \ \ ___________ \ \ \ \ \ / 5501 \_\ \ / /\ \ \ \ \___\/ 5502 \ \/ / \ \ \ \ / 5503 \_____/ / \ \ \________\/ 5504 /__________/ \ \ / 5505 \ _____ \ /_____\/ 5506 \ / /\ \ / \ \ \ 5507 /____/ \ \ / \ \ \ 5508 \ \ /___\/ \ \ \ 5509 \____\/ \__\/ 5510% 5511 THE 5512 NORMAL 5513 LAW OF ERROR 5514 STANDS OUT IN THE 5515 EXPERIENCE OF MANKIND 5516 AS ONE OF THE BROADEST 5517 GENERALIZATIONS OF NATURAL 5518 PHILOSOPHY * IT SERVES AS THE 5519 GUIDING INSTRUMENT IN RESEARCHES 5520 IN THE PHYSICAL AND SOCIAL SCIENCES AND 5521 IN MEDICINE, AGRICULTURE AND ENGINEERING * 5522 IT IS AN INDISPENSABLE TOOL FOR THE ANALYSIS AND THE 5523INTERPRETATION OF THE BASIC DATA OBTAINED BY OBSERVATION AND EXPERIMENT 5524 5525 -- W. J. Youden 5526% 5527 *** 5528 ******* 5529 ********* 5530 ****** Confucius say: "Is stuffy inside fortune cookie." 5531 ******* 5532 *** 5533% 5534* * * * * THIS TERMINAL IS IN USE * * * * * 5535% 5536 n = ((n >> 1) & 0x55555555) | ((n << 1) & 0xaaaaaaaa); 5537 n = ((n >> 2) & 0x33333333) | ((n << 2) & 0xcccccccc); 5538 n = ((n >> 4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n << 4) & 0xf0f0f0f0); 5539 n = ((n >> 8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n << 8) & 0xff00ff00); 5540 n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000); 5541 5542 -- C code which reverses the bits in a word. 5543% 5544 n = (n & 0x55555555) + ((n & 0xaaaaaaaa) >> 1); 5545 n = (n & 0x33333333) + ((n & 0xcccccccc) >> 2); 5546 n = (n & 0x0f0f0f0f) + ((n & 0xf0f0f0f0) >> 4); 5547 n = (n & 0x00ff00ff) + ((n & 0xff00ff00) >> 8); 5548 n = (n & 0x0000ffff) + ((n & 0xffff0000) >> 16); 5549 5550 -- C code which counts the bits in a word. 5551% 5552=== ALL CSH USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 5553 5554Set the variable $LOSERS to all the people that you think are losers. This 5555will cause all said losers to have the variable $PEOPLE-WHO-THINK-I-AM-A-LOSER 5556updated in their .login file. Should you attempt to execute a job on a 5557machine with poor response time and a machine on your local net is currently 5558populated by losers, that machine will be freed up for your job through a 5559cold boot process. 5560% 5561=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 5562 5563A new system, the CIRCULATORY system, has been added. 5564 5565The long-experimental CIRCULATORY system has been released to users. The 5566Lisp Machine uses Type B fluid, the L machine uses Type A fluid. When the 5567switch to Common Lisp occurs both machines will, of course, be Type O. 5568Please check fluid level by using the DIP stick which is located in the 5569back of VMI monitors. Unchecked low fluid levels can cause poor paging 5570performance. 5571% 5572=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 5573 5574Bug reports now amount to an average of 12,853 per day. Unfortunately, 5575this is only a small fraction [ < 1% ] of the mail volume we receive. In 5576order that we may more expeditiously deal with these valuable messages, 5577please communicate them by one of the following paths: 5578 5579 ARPA: WastebasketSLMHQ.ARPA 5580 UUCP: [berkeley, seismo, harpo]!fubar!thekid!slmhq!wastebasket 5581 Non-network sites: Federal Express to: 5582 Wastebasket 5583 Room NE43-926 5584 Copernicus, The Moon, 12345-6789 5585 For that personal contact feeling call 1-415-642-4948; our trained 5586 operators are on call 24 hours a day. VISA/MC accepted.* 5587 5588* Our very rich lawyers have assured us that we are not 5589 responsible for any errors or advice given over the phone. 5590% 5591=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 5592 5593CAR and CDR now return extra values. 5594 5595The function CAR now returns two values. Since it has to go to the trouble 5596to figure out if the object is carcdr-able anyway, we figured you might as 5597well get both halves at once. For example, the following code shows how to 5598destructure a cons (SOME-CONS) into its two slots (THE-CAR and THE-CDR): 5599 5600 (MULTIPLE-VALUE-BIND (THE-CAR THE-CDR) (CAR SOME-CONS) ...) 5601 5602For symmetry with CAR, CDR returns a second value which is the CAR of the 5603object. In a related change, the functions MAKE-ARRAY and CONS have been 5604fixed so they don't allocate any storage except on the stack. This should 5605hopefully help people who don't like using the garbage collector because 5606it cold boots the machine so often. 5607% 5608=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 5609 5610Compiler optimizations have been made to macro expand LET into a WITHOUT- 5611INTERRUPTS special form so that it can PUSH things into a stack in the 5612LET-OPTIMIZATION area, SETQ the variables and then POP them back when it's 5613done. Don't worry about this unless you use multiprocessing. 5614Note that LET *could* have been defined by: 5615 5616 (LET ((LET '`(LET ((LET ',LET)) 5617 ,LET))) 5618 `(LET ((LET ',LET)) 5619 ,LET)) 5620 5621This is believed to speed up execution by as much as a factor of 1.01 or 56223.50 depending on whether you believe our friendly marketing representatives. 5623This code was written by a new programmer here (we snatched him away from 5624Itty Bitti Machines where we was writing COUGHBOL code) so to give him 5625confidence we trusted his vows of "it works pretty well" and installed it. 5626% 5627=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 5628 5629JCL support as alternative to system menu. 5630 5631In our continuing effort to support languages other than LISP on the CADDR, 5632we have developed an OS/360-compatible JCL. This can be used as an 5633alternative to the standard system menu. Type System J to get to a JCL 5634interactive read-execute-diagnose loop window. [Note that for 360 5635compatibility, all input lines are truncated to 80 characters.] This 5636window also maintains a mouse-sensitive display of critical job parameters 5637such as dataset allocation, core allocation, channels, etc. When a JCL 5638syntax error is detected or your job ABENDs, the window-oriented JCL 5639debugger is entered. The JCL debugger displays appropriate OS/360 error 5640messages (such as IEC703, "disk error") and allows you to dequeue your job. 5641% 5642=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 5643 5644The garbage collector now works. In addition a new, experimental garbage 5645collection algorithm has been installed. With SI:%DSK-GC-QLX-BITS set to 17, 5646(NOT the default) the old garbage collection algorithm remains in force; when 5647virtual storage is filled, the machine cold boots itself. With SI:%DSK-GC- 5648QLX-BITS set to 23, the new garbage collector is enabled. Unlike most garbage 5649collectors, the new gc starts its mark phase from the mind of the user, rather 5650than from the obarray. This allows the garbage collection of significantly 5651more Qs. As the garbage collector runs, it may ask you something like "Do you 5652remember what SI:RDTBL-TRANS does?", and if you can't give a reasonable answer 5653in thirty seconds, the symbol becomes a candidate for GCing. The variable 5654SI:%GC-QLX-LUSER-TM governs how long the GC waits before timing out the user. 5655% 5656=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 5657 5658There has been some confusion concerning MAPCAR. 5659 (DEFUN MAPCAR (&FUNCTIONAL FCN &EVAL &REST LISTS) 5660 (PROG (V P LP) 5661 (SETQ P (LOCF V)) 5662 L (SETQ LP LISTS) 5663 (%START-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL) 5664 L1 (OR LP (GO L2)) 5665 (AND (NULL (CAR LP)) (RETURN V)) 5666 (%PUSH (CAAR LP)) 5667 (RPLACA LP (CDAR LP)) 5668 (SETQ LP (CDR LP)) 5669 (GO L1) 5670 L2 (%FINISH-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL) 5671 (SETQ LP (%POP)) 5672 (RPLACD P (SETQ P (NCONS LP))) 5673 (GO L))) 5674We hope this clears up the many questions we've had about it. 5675% 5676**** CONVENTION REMINDER 5677 5678No experiment was approved for the convention by the Human Subjects 5679Committee of the Psychiatric Convention Planning Team. If you notice 5680smoke coming from under a closed door, if you find a body on the hotel 5681carpet, or if you just meet someone who orders you to press a button 5682marked "450 volts", react as you would normally. 5683% 5684**** GROWTH CENTER REPAIR SERVICE 5685 5686For those who have had too much of Esalen, Topanga, and Kairos. 5687Tired of being genuine all the time? Would you like to learn how 5688to be a little phony again? Have you disclosed so much that you're 5689beginning to avoid people? Have you touched so many people that 5690they're all beginning to feel the same? Like to be a little dependent? 5691Are perfect orgasms beginning to bore you? Would you like, for once, 5692not to express a feeling? Or better yet, not be in touch with it at 5693all? Come to us. We promise to relieve you of the burden of your 5694great potential. 5695% 5696 I. Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of 5697 its situation. 5698 Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He 5699 loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to 5700 look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per 5701 second per second takes over. 5702 II. Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter 5703 intervenes suddenly. 5704 Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon 5705 characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone 5706 pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. 5707 Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the 5708 stooge's surcease. 5709III. Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation 5710 conforming to its perimeter. 5711 Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the 5712 speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless 5713 cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through 5714 the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The 5715 threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction. 5716 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980 5717% 5718 1. I'm Not Rudolph; That's Not My Nose 5719 2. The Nutcracker Swede 5720 3. Santa Goes Round-The-World 5721 4. Not-So-Tiny Tim 5722 5. Ninja Reindeer Killfest '88 5723 6. Yes, Yes, Oh God Yes, Virginia 5724 7. Crisco Kringle 5725 8. Babes in Boyland 5726 9. Santa's Magic Lap 572710. Hot Buttered Elves 5728 -- David Letterman, "Top Ten Christmas Movies in Times 5729 Square" 5730% 5731... A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you 5732have turned into a pile of dust. 5733% 5734... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he 5735was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity. 5736 -- Mark Twain 5737% 5738... a thing called Ethics, whose nature was confusing but if you had it you 5739were a High-Class Realtor and if you hadn't you were a shyster, a piker and 5740a fly-by-night. These virtues awakened Confidence and enabled you to handle 5741Bigger Propositions. But they didn't imply that you were to be impractical 5742and refuse to take twice the value for a house if a buyer was such an idiot 5743that he didn't force you down on the asking price. 5744 -- Sinclair Lewis, "Babbitt" 5745% 5746-- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous. 5747-- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited 5748 carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration. 5749-- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted. 5750-- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated 5751 the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles. 5752-- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally. 5753-- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony. 5754-- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well 5755 advised to refrain from catapulting projectiles. 5756% 5757=============== ALL FRESHMEN PLEASE NOTE =============== 5758 5759To minimize scheduling confusion, please realize that if you are taking one 5760course which is offered at only one time on a given day, and another which is 5761offered at all times on that day, the second class will be arranged as to 5762afford maximum inconvenience to the student. For example, if you happen 5763to work on campus, you will have 1-2 hours between classes. If you commute, 5764there will be a minimum of 6 hours between the two classes. 5765% 5766... all the good computer designs are bootlegged; the formally planned 5767products, if they are built at all, are dogs! 5768 -- David E. Lundstrom, "A Few Good Men From Univac", 5769 MIT Press, 1987 5770% 5771... an anecdote from IBM's Yorktown Heights Research Center. When a 5772programmer used his new computer terminal, all was fine when he was sitting 5773down, but he couldn't log in to the system when he was standing up. That 5774behavior was 100 percent repeatable: he could always log in when sitting and 5775never when standing. 5776 5777Most of us just sit back and marvel at such a story; how could that terminal 5778know whether the poor guy was sitting or standing? Good debuggers, though, 5779know that there has to be a reason. Electrical theories are the easiest to 5780hypothesize: was there a loose wire under the carpet, or problems with static 5781electricity? But electrical problems are rarely consistently reproducible. 5782An alert IBMer finally noticed that the problem was in the terminal's keyboard: 5783the tops of two keys were switched. When the programmer was seated he was a 5784touch typist and the problem went unnoticed, but when he stood he was led 5785astray by hunting and pecking. 5786 -- from the Programming Pearls column, 5787 by Jon Bentley in CACM February 1985 5788% 5789"... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often 5790picturesque liar." 5791 -- Mark Twain 5792% 5793... and furthermore ... I don't like your trousers. 5794% 5795... and the fully armed nuclear warheads are of course merely a 5796courtesy detail. 5797 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 5798% 5799... Another writer again agreed with all my generalities, but said that as an 5800inveterate skeptic I have closed my mind to the truth. Most notably I have 5801ignored the evidence for an Earth that is six thousand years old. Well, I 5802haven't ignored it; I considered the purported evidence and *then* rejected 5803it. There is a difference, and this is a difference, we might say, between 5804prejudice and postjudice. Prejudice is making a judgment before you have 5805looked at the facts. Postjudice is making a judgment afterwards. Prejudice 5806is terrible, in the sense that you commit injustices and you make serious 5807mistakes. Postjudice is not terrible. You can't be perfect of course; you 5808may make mistakes also. But it is permissible to make a judgment after you 5809have examined the evidence. In some circles it is even encouraged. 5810 -- Carl Sagan, "The Burden of Skepticism" 5811% 5812... Any resemblance between the above views and those of my employer, 5813my terminal, or the view out my window are purely coincidental. Any 5814resemblance between the above and my own views is non-deterministic. The 5815question of the existence of views in the absence of anyone to hold them 5816is left as an exercise for the reader. The question of the existence of 5817the reader is left as an exercise for the second god coefficient. (A 5818discussion of non-orthogonal, non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope 5819of this article.) 5820% 5821... But as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can 5822easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed 5823and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) 5824upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was 5825without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based 5826on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court 5827was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and 5828sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches, 5829human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value. 5830 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 5831% 5832... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human 5833intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as 5834we can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues 5835that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding 5836of their world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard 5837example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads -- 5838makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing 5839whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a 5840finite or an infinite number. 5841 -- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds" 5842% 5843... But we've only fondled the surface of that subject. 5844 -- Virginia Masters 5845% 5846... C++ offers even more flexible control over the visibility of member 5847objects and member functions. Specifically, members may be placed in the 5848public, private, or protected parts of a class. Members declared in the 5849public parts are visible to all clients; members declared in the private 5850parts are fully encapsulated; and members declared in the protected parts 5851are visible only to the class itself and its subclasses. C++ also supports 5852the notion of *friends*: cooperative classes that are permitted to see each 5853other's private parts. 5854 -- Grady Booch, "Object Oriented Design with Applications" 5855% 5856... computer hardware progress is so fast. No other technology since 5857civilization began has seen six orders of magnitude in performance-price 5858gain in 30 years. 5859 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr. 5860% 5861... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *_d_i_d* quote anybody in this 5862business, it probably would be gibberish. 5863 -- Thom McLeod 5864% 5865... difference of opinion is advantageous in religion. The several sects 5866perform the office of a common censor morum over each other. Is uniformity 5867attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the 5868introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned; 5869yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity. 5870 -- Thomas Jefferson, "Notes on Virginia" 5871% 5872<<<<< EVACUATION ROUTE <<<<< 5873% 5874... "fire" does not matter, "earth" and "air" and "water" do not matter. 5875"I" do not matter. No word matters. But man forgets reality and remembers 5876words. The more words he remembers, the cleverer do his fellows esteem him. 5877He looks upon the great transformations of the world, but he does not see 5878them as they were seen when man looked upon reality for the first time. 5879Their names come to his lips and he smiles as he tastes them, thinking he 5880knows them in the naming. 5881 -- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light" 5882% 5883/* Haley */ 5884 5885 (Haley's comment.) 5886% 5887"... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was 5888supposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which 5889actually made me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses ..." 5890 -- Dave Barry, "The Wet Zorro Suit and Other Turning 5891 Points in l'Amour" 5892% 5893... If forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with 5894the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls 5895asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead ... 5896 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 5897% 5898... if the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does 5899on lust, this would be a better world. 5900 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days" 5901% 5902... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM of a 5903KOSHER DELI!! 5904% 5905**** IMPORTANT **** ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE **** 5906 5907Due to a recent systems overload error your recent disk files have been 5908erased. Therefore, in accordance with the UNIX Basic Manual, University of 5909Washington Geophysics Manual, and Bylaw 9(c), Section XII of the Revised 5910Federal Communications Act, you are being granted Temporary Disk Space, 5911valid for three months from this date, subject to the restrictions set forth 5912in Appendix II of the Federal Communications Handbook (18th edition) as well 5913as the references mentioned herein. You may apply for more disk space at any 5914time. Disk usage in or above the eighth percentile will secure the removal 5915of all restrictions and you will immediately receive your permanent disk 5916space. Disk usage in the sixth or seventh percentile will not effect the 5917validity of your temporary disk space, though its expiration date may be 5918extended for a period of up to three months. A score in the fifth percentile 5919or below will result in the withdrawal of your Temporary Disk space. 5920% 5921... in three to eight years we will have a machine with the general 5922intelligence of an average human being ... The machine will begin 5923to educate itself with fantastic speed. In a few months it will be 5924at genius level and a few months after that its powers will be 5925incalculable ... 5926 -- Marvin Minsky, LIFE Magazine, November 20, 1970 5927% 5928... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves 5929smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat. It is 5930not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery. 5931 -- Stephen Crane 5932% 5933>>> Internal error in fortune program: 5934>>> fnum=2987 n=45 flag=1 goose_level=-232323 5935>>> Please write down these values and notify fortune program administrator. 5936% 5937: is not an identifier 5938% 5939... it is easy to be blinded to the essential uselessness of them by the 5940sense of achievement you get from getting them to work at all. In other 5941words... their fundamental design flaws are completely hidden by their 5942superficial design flaws. 5943 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 5944 on the products of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation 5945% 5946... it still remains true that as a set of cognitive beliefs about the 5947existence of God in any recognizable sense continuous with the great 5948systems of the past, religious doctrines constitute a speculative 5949hypothesis of an extremely low order of probability. 5950 -- Sidney Hook 5951% 5952... Jesus cried with a loud voice: Lazarus, come forth; the bug hath been 5953found and thy program runneth. And he that was dead came forth... 5954 -- John 11:43-44 5955% 5956... like, what do they mean when they say 'feminine protection'? 5957What's that? A chartreuse flamethrower? 5958 -- Opus 5959% 5960... Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and 5961legally ... impeccable! 5962% 5963-- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony. 5964-- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well advised 5965 to refrain from catapulting projectiles. 5966-- Neophyte's serendipity. 5967-- Exclusive dedication to necessitous chores without interludes of hedonistic 5968 diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow. 5969-- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no congeries 5970 of small, green bryophytic plant. 5971-- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential escalation 5972 of a lucrative nature. 5973-- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of fracturing 5974 osseous structure, but appellations will eternally remain innocuous. 5975% 5976** MAXIMUM TERMINALS ACTIVE. TRY AGAIN LATER ** 5977% 5978*** NEWS FLASH *** 5979 5980Archaeologists find PDP-11/24 inside brain cavity of fossilized dinosaur 5981skeleton! Many Digital users fear that RSX-11M may be even more primitive 5982than DEC admits. Price adjustments at 11:00. 5983% 5984*** NEWSFLASH *** 5985 Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!! 5986 Details at eleven! 5987% 5988... Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to 5989get it over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in 5990the mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs 5991on the mall public-address system, and many of these songs can damage 5992children emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a 5993snowman who befriends some children, plays with them until they learn 5994to love him, then melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about 5995a young reindeer who, because of a physical deformity, is treated as an 5996outcast by the other reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does 5997he ignore the deformity? Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect 5998Rudolph for the sensitive reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks 5999Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as if Rudolph were nothing more than some 6000kind of headlight with legs and a tail. So unless you want your 6001children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, you should shop 6002quickly. 6003 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 6004% 6005... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you 6006with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday 6007shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday 6008advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a 6009shopping bag. If your children object to being tied, threaten to take 6010them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up. 6011 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 6012% 6013... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, 6014lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of 6015their C programs. 6016 -- Robert Firth 6017% 6018... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce 6019Connell, Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One 6020thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If 6021somebody gets handed a name like "H. Boyce," he hangs on to it, puts it 6022on his legal stationery, even passes it to his son, rather than do what 6023a lesser person would do, such as get it changed or kill himself. 6024 -- Dave Barry, "This Column is Nothing but the Truth!" 6025% 6026... proper attention to Earthly needs of the poor, the depressed and the 6027downtrodden, would naturally evolve from dynamic, articulate, spirited 6028awareness of the great goals for Man and the society he conspired to erect. 6029 -- David Baker, paraphrasing Harold Urey, in 6030 "The History of Manned Space Flight" 6031% 6032-- Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minikin. 6033-- Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate. 6034-- Surveillance should precede saltation. 6035-- Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity. 6036-- It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed 6037 lacteal fluid. 6038-- Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude. 6039-- It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated 6040 canine with innovative maneuvers. 6041-- Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion. 6042-- The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly 6043 galled saucepan does not reach 212 degrees Fahrenheit. 6044% 6045... so long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those 6046who wish to tyrannize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent, 6047and will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious 6048and otherwise, to put shackles upon sleeping men. 6049 -- Voltarine de Cleyre 6050% 6051... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their 6052procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as 6053to infest the waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of 6054sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making 6055documentaries. Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly 6056listless. The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another 6057documentary." So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking, 6058under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know very little about the 6059effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply 6060scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White 6061in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind of 6062thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and 6063then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very 6064dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all along. 6065 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 6066% 6067***** Special AI Seminar (abstract) 6068 6069It has been widely recognized that AI programs require expert knowledge 6070in order to perform well in complex domains. But knowledge alone is not 6071sufficient for some applications; wisdom is needed as well. Accordingly, 6072we have developed a new approach to artificial intelligence which we call 6073"wisdom engineering". As a test of our ideas, we have written IMMANUEL, a 6074wisdom based system for the task domain of western philosophical thought. 6075IMMANUEL was supplied initially with 200 wisdom units which contained wisdom 6076about such elementary concepts as mind, matter, being, nothingness, and so 6077forth. IMMANUEL was then allowed to run freely, guided by the heuristic 6078rules contained in its heterarchically organized meta wisdom base. IMMANUEL 6079succeeded in rediscovering most of the important philosophical ideas developed 6080in western culture over the course of the last 25 centuries, including those 6081underlying Plato's theory of government, Kant's metaphysics, Nietzsche's theory 6082of value, and Husserl's phenomenology. In this seminar, we will describe 6083IMMANUEL's achievements and internal architecture. We will also briefly 6084discuss our recent efforts to apply wisdom engineering to oil exploration. 6085% 6086-- THE BATES MOTEL -- 6087 ... convenient 6088 ... clean 6089 ... cozy 6090 6091 Norman, knock loudly, 6092 I'm in the shower. 6093 6094 M. 6095% 6096... the Mayo Clinic, named after its founder, Dr. Ted Clinic ... 6097 -- Dave Barry 6098% 6099... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!! 6100% 6101... the privileged being which we call human is distinguished from 6102other animals only by certain double-edged manifestations which in 6103charity we can only call "inhuman." 6104 -- R. A. Lafferty 6105% 6106-- The writing implement is more potent than the claymore. 6107-- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous. 6108-- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited carbonaceous 6109 materials, there is conflagration. 6110-- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted. 6111-- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated 6112 the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles. 6113-- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the 6114 optimal cachinnation. 6115-- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally. 6116% 6117... there are about 5,000 people who are part of that committee. These guys 6118have a hard time sorting out what day to meet, and whether to eat croissants 6119or doughnuts for breakfast -- let alone how to define how all these complex 6120layers that are going to be agreed upon. 6121 -- Craig Burton of Novell, Network World 6122% 6123... TheysaidDoyouseethebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehill?andIsaidYesIsee 6124thebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillTheresabigdarkforestbetweenmeandthe 6125biggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillandalittleoldladyridingonaHoovervacuum 6126cleanersayingIllgetyoumyprettyandyourlittledogTototoo ... 6127 6128 I don't even *HAVE* a dog Toto... 6129% 6130... this is an awesome sight. The entire rebel resistance buried under six 6131million hardbound copies of "The Naked Lunch." 6132 -- The Firesign Theatre 6133% 6134... though his invention worked superbly -- his theory was a crock of sewage 6135from beginning to end. 6136 -- Vernor Vinge, "The Peace War" 6137% 6138 U X 6139e dUdX, e dX, cosine, secant, tangent, sine, 3.14159... 6140% 6141* UNIX is a Trademark of Bell Laboratories. 6142% 6143 VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel 6144 entrances; others cannot. 6145 This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least 6146 it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to 6147 trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical 6148 space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to 6149 follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not 6150 of science. 6151VIII. Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent. 6152 Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives 6153 might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, 6154 accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be 6155 destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, 6156 elongate, snap back, or solidify. 6157 IX. For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance. 6158 This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to 6159 the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of 6160 watching it happen to a duck instead. 6161 X. Everything falls faster than an anvil. 6162 Examples too numerous to mention from the Roadrunner cartoons. 6163 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980 6164% 6165<< WAIT >> 6166% 6167... we must counterpose the overwhelming judgment provided by consistent 6168observations and inferences by the thousands. The earth is billions of 6169years old and its living creatures are linked by ties of evolutionary 6170descent. Scientists stand accused of promoting dogma by so stating, but 6171do we brand people illiberal when they proclaim that the earth is neither 6172flat nor at the center of the universe? Science *has* taught us some 6173things with confidence! Evolution on an ancient earth is as well 6174established as our planet's shape and position. Our continuing struggle 6175to understand how evolution happens (the "theory of evolution") does not 6176cast our documentation of its occurrence -- the "fact of evolution" -- 6177into doubt. 6178 -- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Verdict on Creationism", 6179 The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2. 6180% 6181... when fits of creativity run strong, more than one programmer or writer 6182has been known to abandon the desktop for the more spacious floor. 6183 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr. 6184% 6185... which reminds me of the Carrot family: Ma Carrot, Pa Carrot, and Baby 6186Carrot. One fine spring day they decided to go out for a picnic. They all 6187piled into their carrot-mobile and drive out to the country. But Pa Carrot 6188wasn't watching where he was going and alas, he hit an oil slick and skidded 6189right into a tree. Ma and Pa Carrot escaped with a few cuts and bruises, but 6190poor Baby Carrot got broken in two. They frantically rushed him to the 6191hospital and immediately the doctors started operating in a desperate attempt 6192to save Baby Carrot's life. Ma and Pa Carrot were beside themselves with 6193anxiety ... would poor little Baby Carrot make it? 6194 After hours of waiting the doctor finally emerges, bleary-eyed and 6195barely able to walk. 6196 "Is he all right, is he all right?" Pa Carrot frantically stammers. 6197 "Well, I have some good news and some bad news," replies the doctor. 6198 Ma and Pa Carrot look at each other and blurt out, nearly in unison, 6199"The good news first!" 6200 "All right, the good news is that Baby Carrot will live." 6201 "And the bad news? What's the bad news about our Baby Carrot?" 6202The doctor puts his hand on Pa Carrot's shoulder and solemnly looks him in 6203the eye. "Your son will live... but... he'll be a vegetable for the rest of 6204his life." 6205% 6206!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH 6207% 62081: A sheet of paper is an ink-lined plane. 62092: An inclined plane is a slope up. 62103: A slow pup is a lazy dog. 6211 6212QED: A sheet of paper is a lazy dog. 6213 -- Willard Espy, "An Almanac of Words at Play" 6214% 6215(1) Office employees will daily sweep the floors, dust the 6216 furniture, shelves, and showcases. 6217(2) Each day fill lamps, clean chimneys, and trim wicks. 6218 Wash the windows once a week. 6219(3) Each clerk will bring a bucket of water and a scuttle of 6220 coal for the day's business. 6221(4) Make your pens carefully. You may whittle nibs to your 6222 individual taste. 6223(5) This office will open at 7 a.m. and close at 8 p.m. except 6224 on the Sabbath, on which day we will remain closed. Each 6225 employee is expected to spend the Sabbath by attending 6226 church and contributing liberally to the cause of the Lord. 6227 -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage 6228 Works, 1872 6229% 62301 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1. 6231% 62321. If it doesn't smell like chili, it probably isn't. 62332. If you catch an exploding manhole cover, you can keep it. 62343. Cabs driving on the sidewalk are not permitted to pick up passengers. 62354. It's bad manners to lie down inside someone else's chalk body outline. 62365. Don't lick food from a stranger's beard. 62376. Avoid paperwork for your next of kin by keeping dental records on you. 62387. Jon Gotti Always has the right of way. 62398. Yelling at cab drivers in English wastes your time and theirs. 62409. Remember: Regular hot dogs do not have fingernails. 624110. The city does not employ so called "Wallet Inspectors". 6242 -- David Letterman, "Top Ten New York City Pedestrian Tips" 6243% 6244(1) Alexander the Great was a great general. 6245(2) Great generals are forewarned. 6246(3) Forewarned is forearmed. 6247(4) Four is an even number. 6248(5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have. 6249(6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity. 6250 Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms. 6251% 6252(1) Alexander the Great was a great general. 6253(2) Great generals are forewarned. 6254(3) Forewarned is forearmed. 6255(4) Four is an even number. 6256(5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have. 6257(6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity. 6258 Therefore, all horses are black. 6259% 62601. Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood. 62612. If your stomach antagonizes you, pacify it with cool thoughts. 62623. Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move. 62634. Go very lightly on the vices, such as carrying on in society, as 6264 the social ramble ain't restful. 62655. Avoid running at all times. 62666. Don't look back, something might be gaining on you. 6267 -- S. Paige, c. 1951 6268% 62691 Billion dollars of budget deficit = 1 Gramm-Rudman 62706.023 x 10 to the 23rd power alligator pears = Avocado's number 62712 pints = 1 Cavort 6272Basic unit of Laryngitis = The Hoarsepower 6273Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line 62746 Curses = 1 Hexahex 62753500 Calories = 1 Food Pound 62761 Mole = 007 Secret Agents 62771 Mole = 25 Cagey Bees 62781 Dog Pound = 16 oz. of Alpo 62791000 beers served at a Twins game = 1 Killibrew 62802.4 statute miles of surgical tubing at Yale U. = 1 I.V.League 62812000 pounds of Chinese soup = 1 Won Ton 628210 to the minus 6th power mouthwashes = 1 Microscope 6283Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier = 1 Machturtle 62848 Catfish = 1 Octo-puss 6285365 Days of drinking Lo-Cal beer. = 1 Lite-year 628616.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling 6287Force needed to accelerate 2.2lbs of cookies = 1 Fig-newton 6288 to 1 meter per second 6289One half large intestine = 1 Semicolon 629010 to the minus 6th power Movie = 1 Microfilm 62911000 pains = 1 Megahertz 62921 Word = 1 Millipicture 62931 Sagan = Billions & Billions 62941 Angstrom: measure of computer anxiety = 1000 nail-bytes 629510 to the 12th power microphones = 1 Megaphone 629610 to the 6th power Bicycles = 2 megacycles 6297The amount of beauty required launch 1 ship = 1 Millihelen 6298% 62991 bulls, 3 cows. 6300% 6301(1) Everything depends. 6302(2) Nothing is always. 6303(3) Everything is sometimes. 6304% 63051) Never draw what you can copy. 63062) Never copy what you can trace. 63073) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. 6308% 63091. Never give anything away for nothing. 2. Never give more than 6310you have to (always catch the buyer hungry and always make him wait). 63113. Always take back everything if you possibly can. 6312 -- William S. Burroughs, on drug pushing 6313% 63141: No code table for op: ++post 6315% 63161) X=Y ; Given 63172) X^2=XY ; Multiply both sides by X 63183) X^2-Y^2=XY-Y^2 ; Subtract Y^2 from both sides 63194) (X+Y)(X-Y)=Y(X-Y) ; Factor 63205) X+Y=Y ; Cancel out (X-Y) term 63216) 2Y=Y ; Substitute X for Y, by equation 1 63227) 2=1 ; Divide both sides by Y 6323 -- "Omni", proof that 2 equals 1 6324% 632510. Not everybody looks good naked. 6326 9. Joe Garagiola was a hell of an emcee. 6327 8. Joe Cocker really should stick with decaffeinated coffee. 6328 7. Fringe! Fringe! Fringe! 6329 6. If you've got 72 hours to kill, you can probably find room for Sha Na Na. 6330 5. Never attend an event with a 50,000 to 1 person to Port-A-San ratio. 6331 4. Bellbottoms will never go out of style. 6332 3. A drum solo cannot be too long. 6333 2. I, David Letterman, will never rent out my farm again. 6334 1. We are stardust. We are golden. We are going to look really stupid to 6335 future generations. 6336 -- David Letterman, "Top Ten Lessons of Woodstock" 6337% 633810 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman: 6339 6340 1. A beer won't make you go to church. 6341 2. A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman. 6342 3. A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit. 6343 4. A beer doesn't give a [expletive deleted] if you keep a bunch of 6344 other beers on the side. 6345 5. A beer will not call you a sexist pig if you say "Doberman" instead of 6346 "Doberperson". 6347 6. A beer won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian 6348 folk music on yer fave radio station. 6349 7. A beer understands why The Three Stooges are funny. 6350 8. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the 6351 toilet seat up. 6352 9. A beer doesn't think that a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" is an 6353 enormous can of vegetable juice. 635410. A beer won't smoke in your car. 6355% 6356100 buckets of bits on the bus 6357100 buckets of bits 6358Take one down, short it to ground 6359FF buckets of bits on the bus 6360 6361FF buckets of bits on the bus 6362FF buckets of bits 6363Take one down, short it to ground 6364FE buckets of bits on the bus 6365 6366ad infinitum... 6367% 6368$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at 6369which time it will be worth absolutely nothing. 6370 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 6371% 6372$100 placed at 7 percent interest compounded quarterly for 200 years will 6373increase to more than $100,000,000 -- by which time it will be worth nothing. 6374 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love" 6375% 637610.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0. 6377% 6378101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR 6379 (1) Scarecrow for centipedes 6380 (2) Dead cat brush 6381 (3) Hair barrettes 6382 (4) Cleats 6383 (5) Self-piercing earrings 6384 (6) Fungus trellis 6385 (7) False eyelashes 6386 (8) Prosthetic dog claws 6387 . 6388 . 6389 . 6390 (99) Window garden harrow (pulled behind Tonka tractors) 6391 (100) Killer velcro 6392 (101) Currency 6393% 63941/2 oz. gin 63951/2 oz. vodka 63961/2 oz. rum (preferably dark) 63973/4 oz. tequila 63981/2 oz. triple sec 63991/2 oz. orange juice 64003/4 oz. sour mix 64011/2 oz. cola 6402shake with ice and strain into frosted glass. 6403 Long Island Iced Tea 6404% 640513. ... r-q1 6406% 640717. HO HUM -- The Redundant 6408 6409------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme 6410--- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife 6411------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. You are working 6412---O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop 6413---X--- (9) the GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates 6414--- --- (8) to nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex. 6415 6416Nine in the second place means: 6417 The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune. 6418 6419Six in the third place means: 6420 In former times men built altars to honor the Internal 6421 Revenue Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble! 6422% 64231.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's 6424the law! 6425% 642617th Rule of Friendship: 6427 6428A friend will refrain from telling you he picked up the same amount 6429of life insurance coverage you did for half the price when yours is 6430noncancellable. 6431 -- Esquire, May 1977 6432% 6433186,282 miles per second: 6434It isn't just a good idea, it's the law! 6435% 64361893 The ideal brain tonic 64371900 Drink Coca-Cola -- delicious and refreshing -- 5 cents at all 6438 soda fountains 64391905 Is the favorite drink for LADIES when thirsty -- weary -- despondent 64401905 Refreshes the weary, brightens the intellect and clears the brain 64411906 The drink of QUALITY 64421907 Good to the last drop 64431907 It satisfies the thirst and pleases the palate 64441907 Refreshing as a summer breeze. Delightful as a Dip in the Sea 64451908 The Drink that Cheers but does not inebriate 64461917 There's a delicious freshness to the taste of Coca-Cola 64471919 It satisfies thirst 64481919 The taste is the test 64491922 Every glass holds the answer to thirst 64501922 Thirst knows no season 64511925 Enjoy the sociable drink 6452 -- Coca-Cola slogans 6453% 64541925 With a drink so good, 'tis folly to be thirsty 64551929 The high sign of refreshment 64561929 The pause that refreshes 64571930 It had to be good to get where it is 64581932 The drink that makes a pause refreshing 64591935 The pause that brings friends together 64601937 STOP for a pause... GO refreshed 64611938 The best friend thirst ever had 64621939 Thirst stops here 64631942 It's the real thing 64641947 Have a Coke 64651961 Zing! what a REFRESHING NEW FEELING 64661963 Things go better with Coke 64671969 Face Uncle Sam with a Coke in your hand 64681979 Have a Coke and a smile 64691982 Coke is it! 6470 -- Coca-Cola slogans 6471% 64721st graffitiest: QUESTION AUTHORITY! 6473 64742nd graffitiest: Why? 6475% 64762180, U.S. History question: 6477 What 20th Century U.S. President was almost impeached and what 6478office did he later hold? 6479% 64803 syncs represent the trinity -- init, the child and the eternal zombie 6481process. In doing 3, you're paying homage to each and I think such 6482traditions are important in this shallow, mercurial business we find 6483ourselves in. 6484 -- Jordan K. Hubbard 6485% 6486$3,000,000 6487% 6488355/113 -- 6489 Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible simulation. 6490% 64913M, under the Scotch brand name, manufactures a fine adhesive for art 6492and display work. This product is called "Craft Mount". 3M suggests 6493that to obtain the best results, one should make the bond "while the 6494adhesive is wet, aggressively tacky." I did not know what "aggressively 6495tacky" meant until I read today's fortune. 6496 6497 [And who said we didn't offer equal time, huh? Ed.] 6498% 64993rd Law of Computing: 6500 Anything that can go wr 6501fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped 6502% 650340 isn't old. If you're a tree. 6504% 65054.2 BSD UNIX #57: Sun Jun 1 23:02:07 EDT 1986 6506 6507You swing at the Sun. You miss. The Sun swings. He hits you with a 6508575MB disk! You read the 575MB disk. It is written in an alien 6509tongue and cannot be read by your tired Sun-2 eyes. You throw the 6510575MB disk at the Sun. You hit! The Sun must repair your eyes. The 6511Sun reads a scroll. He hits your 130MB disk! He has defeated the 6512130MB disk! The Sun reads a scroll. He hits your Ethernet board! He 6513has defeated your Ethernet board! You read a scroll of "postpone until 6514Monday at 9 AM". Everything goes dark... 6515 -- /etc/motd, cbosgd 6516% 6517(6) Men employees will be given time off each week for courting 6518 purposes, or two evenings a week if they go regularly to church. 6519(7) After an employee has spent his thirteen hours of labor in the 6520 office, he should spend the remaining time reading the Bible 6521 and other good books. 6522(8) Every employee should lay aside from each pay packet a goodly 6523 sum of his earnings for his benefit during his declining years, 6524 so that he will not become a burden on society or his betters. 6525(9) Any employee who smokes Spanish cigars, uses alcoholic drink 6526 in any form, frequents pool tables and public halls, or gets 6527 shaved in a barber's shop, will give me good reason to suspect 6528 his worth, intentions, integrity and honesty. 6529(10) The employee who has performed his labours faithfully and 6530 without a fault for five years, will be given an increase of 6531 five cents per day in his pay, providing profits from the 6532 business permit it. 6533 -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage 6534 Works, 1872 6535% 65366 oz. orange juice 65371 oz. vodka 65381/2 oz. Galliano 6539 Harvey Wallbangers 6540% 65417:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) 6542 The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National 6543 Redwood Forest. 6544% 65457:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) 6546 The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the 6547 Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus. 6548% 654990% of the work takes 90% of the time. 6550The remaining 10% takes the other 90% of the time. 6551% 655294% of the women in America are beautiful 6553and the rest hang out around here. 6554% 655599 blocks of crud on the disk, 655699 blocks of crud! 6557You patch a bug, and dump it again: 6558100 blocks of crud on the disk! 6559 6560100 blocks of crud on the disk, 6561100 blocks of crud! 6562You patch a bug, and dump it again: 6563101 blocks of crud on the disk! 6564% 6565A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice 6566at one end and no responsibility at the other. 6567% 6568A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on. 6569 -- Carl Sandburg 6570% 6571A bachelor is a man who never made the same mistake once. 6572% 6573A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy 6574who has cheated some woman out of a divorce. 6575 -- Don Quinn 6576% 6577A bachelor is an unaltared male. 6578% 6579A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty 6580and a boy for ever. 6581 -- Helen Rowland 6582% 6583A bad marriage is like a horse with a broken leg, you can shoot 6584the horse, but it don't fix the leg. 6585% 6586A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and 6587ask for it back the when it begins to rain. 6588 -- Robert Frost 6589% 6590A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining 6591and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. 6592 -- Mark Twain 6593% 6594A beautiful woman is a blessing from Heaven, but a good cigar is a smoke. 6595 -- Kipling 6596% 6597A beautiful woman is a picture which drives all beholders nobly mad. 6598 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 6599% 6600A beer delayed is a beer denied. 6601% 6602A beginning is the time for taking the 6603most delicate care that balances are correct. 6604 -- Princess Irulan, "Manual of Maud'Dib" 6605% 6606A billion here, a billion there -- pretty soon it adds up to real money. 6607 -- Sen. Everett Dirksen, on the U.S. defense budget 6608% 6609A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president. 6610A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ. 6611A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth. 6612A billion dollars ago was late yesterday afternoon at the U.S. Treasury. 6613% 6614A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on 6615a photo-safari in Africa. As they're driving along the savannah in their 6616jeep, they stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars. 6617 6618The biologist: "Look! A herd of zebras! And there's a white zebra! 6619 Fantastic! We'll be famous!" 6620The statistician: "Hey, calm down, it's not significant. We only know 6621 there's one white zebra." 6622The mathematician: "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is 6623 white on one side." 6624The computer scientist : "Oh, no! A special case!" 6625% 6626A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him. 6627% 6628A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. 6629 -- Cervantes 6630% 6631A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring. 6632% 6633A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose. 6634% 6635A bit of talcum 6636Is always walcum 6637 -- Ogden Nash 6638% 6639A black cat crossing your path signifies 6640that the animal is going somewhere. 6641 -- Groucho Marx 6642% 6643A book is the work of a mind, doing its work in the way that a mind deems 6644best. That's dangerous. Is the work of some mere individual mind likely to 6645serve the aims of collectively accepted compromises, which are known in the 6646schools as 'standards'? Any mind that would audaciously put itself forth to 6647work all alone is surely a bad example for the students, and probably, if 6648not downright antisocial, at least a little off-center, self-indulgent, 6649elitist. ... It's just good pedagogy, therefore, to stay away from such 6650stuff, and use instead, if film-strips and rap-sessions must be 6651supplemented, 'texts,' selected, or prepared, or adapted, by real 6652professionals. Those texts are called 'reading material.' They are the 6653academic equivalent of the 'listening material' that fills waiting-rooms, 6654and the 'eating material' that you can buy in thousands of convenient eating 6655resource centers along the roads. 6656 -- The Underground Grammarian 6657% 6658A bore is a man who talks so much about 6659himself that you can't talk about yourself. 6660% 6661A bore is someone who persists in holding his 6662own views after we have enlightened him with ours. 6663% 6664A boss with no humor is like a job that's no fun. 6665% 6666A box without hinges, key, or lid, 6667Yet golden treasure inside is hid. 6668 -- J. R. R. Tolkien 6669% 6670A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance 6671of turning around three times before lying down. 6672 -- Robert Benchley 6673% 6674A boy gets to be a man when a man is needed. 6675 -- John Steinbeck 6676% 6677A budget is just a method of worrying 6678before you spend money, as well as afterward. 6679% 6680A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation. 6681% 6682A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected. 6683% 6684A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government by 6685hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to the West. They 6686drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and 6687found there was no pilot on board. Terrified, they listened as the sirens 6688got louder. Finally, one of the scientists suggested that since he was an 6689experimentalist, he would try to fly the aircraft. 6690 He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The sirens 6691got louder and louder. Armed men surrounded the jet. The would be pilot's 6692friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!! Hurry!!!" 6693 The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple 6694pole in a complex plane." 6695% 6696A bunch of the boys were whooping it in the Malemute saloon; 6697The kid that handles the music box was hitting a jag-time tune; 6698Back of the bar, in a solo game, sat Dangerous Dan McGrew, 6699And watching his luck was his light-o'-love, the lady that's known as Lou. 6700 -- Robert W. Service 6701% 6702A bureaucrat's idea of cleaning up his files 6703is to make a copy of everything before he destroys it. 6704% 6705A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator. 6706 -- Paul Valery 6707% 6708A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich 6709and votes from the poor to protect them from each other. 6710% 6711A cannibal warrior is experiencing severe gastric distress, so he goes 6712to his Village Witch Doctor with his complaint. The VWD examines him 6713and, concluding that something he ate disagreed with him, began to cross 6714examine him about his recent diet. 6715 "Well, I ate a missionary yesterday. Do you think that could be 6716the problem?" 6717 The VWD says "Hmmmm." (All doctors say "Hmmmm.") "That could be. 6718Tell me a bit about this missionary." 6719 "Well, he was tall for a white man, wearing a brown robe. He was 6720walking down the trail, not watching for danger, so I speared him, dragged 6721him home, cleaned him, boiled him and ate him." 6722 "Ah-hah!" (All doctors say "Ah-hah!") There's your problem," smiles 6723the VWD. You boiled him, but he was a friar!" 6724% 6725A career is great, but you can't run your fingers through its hair. 6726% 6727A castaway was washed ashore after many days on the open sea. The island 6728on which he landed was populated by savage cannibals who tied him, dazed 6729and exhausted, to a thick stake. They then proceeded to cut his arms 6730with their spears and drink his blood. This continued for several days 6731until the castaway could stand no more. He yelled for the cannibal chief 6732and declared, "You can kill me if you want to, but this torture with the 6733spears has got to stop. Dammit, I'm tired of getting stuck for the drinks." 6734% 6735A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith 6736does not prove anything. 6737 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 6738% 6739A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness. 6740% 6741A certain amount of opposition is a help, not a hindrance. 6742Kites rise against the wind, not with it. 6743% 6744A certain monk had a habit of pestering the Grand Tortue (the only one who 6745had ever reached the Enlightenment 'Yond Enlightenment), by asking whether 6746various objects had Buddha-nature or not. To such a question Tortue 6747invariably sat silent. The monk had already asked about a bean, a lake, 6748and a moonlit night. One day he brought to Tortue a piece of string, and 6749asked the same question. In reply, the Grand Tortue grasped the loop 6750between his feet and, with a few simple manipulations, created a complex 6751string which he proffered wordlessly to the monk. At that moment, the monk 6752was enlightened. 6753 6754From then on, the monk did not bother Tortue. Instead, he made string after 6755string by Tortue's method; and he passed the method on to his own disciples, 6756who passed it on to theirs. 6757% 6758A certain old cat had made his home in the alley behind Gabe's bar for some 6759time, subsisting on scraps and occasional handouts from the bartender. One 6760evening, emboldened by hunger, the feline attempted to follow Gabe through 6761the back door. Regrettably, only the his body had made it through when 6762the door slammed shut, severing the cat's tail at its base. This proved too 6763much for the old creature, who looked sadly at Gabe and expired on the spot. 6764 Gabe put the carcass back out in the alley and went back to business. 6765The mandatory closing time arrived and Gabe was in the process of locking up 6766after the last customers had gone. Approaching the back door he was startled 6767to see an apparition of the old cat mournfully holding its severed tail out, 6768silently pleading for Gabe to put the tail back on its corpse so that it could 6769go on to the kitty afterworld complete. 6770 Gabe shook his head sadly and said to the ghost, "I can't. You know 6771the law -- no retailing spirits after 2:00 AM." 6772% 6773A Chicago salesman was about to check into a St. Louis hotel when he noticed 6774a very charming woman staring admiringly at him. He walked over and spoke 6775with her for a few minutes, then returned to the front desk, where they checked 6776in as Mr. and Mrs. 6777 After a very pleasurable three-day stay, the man approached the front 6778desk and told the clerk he was checking out. In a few minutes, he was handed 6779a bill for $2500. 6780 "There must be some mistake," the salesman said. "I've been here for 6781only three days." 6782 "Yes, sir," the clerk replied. "But your wife has been here a month 6783and a half." 6784% 6785A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs. 6786% 6787A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not 6788mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty 6789trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators. 6790 -- Dave Barry 6791% 6792A child of five could understand this! Fetch me a child of five. 6793% 6794A chronic disposition to inquiry 6795deprives domestic felines of vital qualities. 6796% 6797A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit 6798will approach you soon. Avoid him. He's a Commie. 6799% 6800A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but 6801won't cross the street to vote in a national election. 6802 -- Bill Vaughan 6803% 6804A city is a large community where people are lonesome together. 6805 -- Herbert Prochnow 6806% 6807A clash of doctrine is not a disaster - it is an opportunity. 6808% 6809A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody 6810wants to read. 6811 -- Mark Twain quoting Professor Winchester, 6812 "The Disappearance of Literature" 6813% 6814A clever prophet makes sure of the event first. 6815% 6816A closed mouth gathers no foot. 6817% 6818A cloud does not know why it moves in just such a direction and at such 6819a speed, if feels an impulsion... this is the place to go now. But the 6820sky knows the reasons and the patterns behind all clouds, and you will 6821know, too, when you lift yourself high enough to see beyond horizons. 6822 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul 6823% 6824A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS: 6825 68261. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT. 6827 Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose 6828 valuable scientific objectivity. 6829 68302. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES. 6831 Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the 6832 gentleness and reassurance he can get. 6833 68343. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED. 6835 Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold. 6836% 6837A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS: 6838 68394. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF. 6840 You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into 6841 the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent 6842 disability you may have experienced. 6843 68445. NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING IT. 6845 It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be 6846 explained in terms that you would understand. 6847 68486. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMENTAL TREATMENT READILY. 6849 Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting 6850 research paper will surely be of widespread interest. 6851% 6852A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS: 6853 68547. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY. 6855 You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, 6856 to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians. 6857 68588. DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD. 6859 It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means. 6860 68619. NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT IN THE COURSE 6862 OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR. 6863 The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a 6864 sacred duty to protect him from exposure. 6865 686610. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE. 6867 This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment. 6868% 6869A Code of Honour: never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief 6870as your goal. There are too many women in the world to justify that sort of 6871dishonourable behaviour. Unless she's really attractive. 6872 -- Bruce J. Friedman, "Sex and the Lonely Guy" 6873% 6874A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours. 6875 -- Milton Berle 6876% 6877A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain. 6878 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love" 6879% 6880A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies, 6881scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom. 6882 -- Parkinson 6883% 6884A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth. 6885 -- R. Stallman 6886% 6887A company is known by the men it keeps. 6888% 6889A complex system that works is invariably 6890found to have evolved from a simple system that works. 6891% 6892A compliment is something like a kiss through a veil. 6893 -- Victor Hugo 6894% 6895[A computer is] like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy. 6896 -- Joseph Campbell 6897% 6898A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention, 6899with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequila. 6900 -- Mitch Ratcliffe 6901% 6902A computer salesman visits a company president for the purpose of selling 6903the president one of the latest talking computers. 6904Salesman: "This machine knows everything. I can ask it any question 6905 and it'll give the correct answer. Computer, what is the 6906 speed of light?" 6907Computer: 186,000 miles per second. 6908Salesman: "Who was the first president of the United States?" 6909Computer: George Washington. 6910President: "I'm still not convinced. Let me ask a question. 6911 Where is my father?" 6912Computer: Your father is fishing in Georgia. 6913President: "Hah!! The computer is wrong. My father died over twenty 6914 years ago!" 6915Computer: Your mother's husband died 22 years ago. Your father just 6916 landed a twelve pound bass. 6917% 6918A computer science student and a practical hacker are discussing problems 6919the computer science student has run in to. 6920 6921CS Student: I have this singularly linked tail-queued list and I'm trying 6922 to make it O(1) to go backwards an item, instead of O(n)... 6923 What's the best way to go about that? Should I just use a 6924 cached hash of each item and put it into a sorted lookup 6925 table, and cache the hash of the last item in the current 6926 queue entry and then go to its place in the hash table and 6927 get the pointer value from there? 6928Hacker: No, you should add an item to the structure named 'prev' and 6929 make it point to the previous item. 6930CS Student: But we already have a structure element with that identifier 6931 and structure elements must have unique names within that 6932 scope! 6933Hacker: So call it 'previous'. 6934 6935And then the CS Student was enlightened. 6936% 6937A computer science student on an exam: 6938 6939 According to Shannon, information has entropy. Entropy is just 6940 a mathematical trick to introduce temperature. Consequently, 6941 information has temperature. Hence there are hot news and cool 6942 news. 6943% 6944A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken. 6945% 6946A computer, to print out a fact, 6947Will divide, multiply, and subtract. 6948 But this output can be 6949 No more than debris, 6950If the input was short of exact. 6951 -- Gigo 6952% 6953A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate 6954cake without ketchup and mustard. 6955% 6956A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking. 6957% 6958A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can 6959do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done. 6960 -- Fred Allen 6961% 6962A CONS is an object which cares. 6963 -- Bernie Greenberg 6964% 6965A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run. 6966 -- Elbert Hubbard 6967% 6968A conservative is a man 6969who believes that nothing should be done for the first time. 6970 -- Alfred E. Wiggam 6971% 6972A conservative is a man 6973with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk. 6974 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt 6975% 6976A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it 6977is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it. 6978% 6979A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper. 6980 -- Dyer 6981% 6982A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the 6983damned things is ample. 6984 -- Rebecca West 6985% 6986A couch is as good as a chair. 6987% 6988A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. 6989 -- Benjamin Franklin 6990% 6991A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the 6992beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden. Immediately, 6993one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods 6994like the proverbial bat out of hell, and hot on his heels ran the Game 6995Warden. After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with 6996his hands on his thighs, whooping and heaving to catch his breath as the 6997Game Warden finally caught up to him. 6998 "Let's see yer fishin' license, boy," the Warden gasped. The 6999man pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing 7000license. 7001 "Well, son", snarled the Game Warden, "You must be about as dumb 7002as a box of rocks! You didn't have to run if you have a license!" 7003 "Yes, sir," replied his victim, "but, well, see, my friend back 7004there, he don't have one!" 7005% 7006A cousin of mine once said about money, 7007money is always there but the pockets change; 7008it is not in the same pockets after a change, 7009and that is all there is to say about money. 7010 -- Gertrude Stein 7011% 7012A cow is a completely automated milk-manufacturing machine. It is encased 7013in untanned leather and mounted on four vertical, movable supports, one at 7014each corner. The front end of the machine, or input, contains the cutting 7015and grinding mechanism, utilizing a unique feedback device. Here also are 7016the headlights, air inlet and exhaust, a bumper and a foghorn. 7017 At the rear, the machine carries the milk-dispensing equipment as 7018well as a built-in flyswatter and insect repeller. The central portion 7019houses a hydro- chemical-conversion unit. Briefly, this consists of four 7020fermentation and storage tanks connected in series by an intricate network 7021of flexible plumbing. This assembly also contains the central heating plant 7022complete with automatic temperature controls, pumping station and main 7023ventilating system. The waste disposal apparatus is located to the rear of 7024this central section. 7025 Cows are available fully-assembled in an assortment of sizes and 7026colors. Production output ranges from 2 to 20 tons of milk per year. In 7027brief, the main external visible features of the cow are: two lookers, two 7028hookers, four stander-uppers, four hanger-downers, and a swishy-wishy. 7029% 7030A critic is a bundle of biases held loosely together by a sense of taste. 7031 -- Whitney Balliett 7032% 7033A "critic" is a man who creates nothing and thereby feels 7034qualified to judge the work of creative men. There is logic 7035in this; he is unbiased -- he hates all creative people equally. 7036% 7037A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison 7038And had an affair with a Saracen. 7039 She was not oversexed, 7040 Or jealous or vexed, 7041She just wanted to make a comparison. 7042% 7043A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern. 7044 -- Edgar A. Shoaff 7045% 7046A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it? 7047% 7048A day without orange juice is like a day without orange juice. 7049% 7050A day without sunshine is like a day without Anita Bryant. 7051% 7052A day without sunshine is like a day without orange juice. 7053% 7054A day without sunshine is like night. 7055% 7056A dead man cannot bite. 7057 -- Gnaeus Pompeius (Pompey) 7058% 7059A debugged program is one for which you have 7060not yet found the conditions that make it fail. 7061 -- Jerry Ogdin 7062% 7063A decade after Vietnam, we still cannot understand why "their" 7064Salvadorans fight better than "our" Salvadorans. It is not a matter of 7065their training or their equipment. It has to do with the quality of the 7066society we are asking them to risk death defending. The metaphor of the 7067domino obscures this reality, and the cost our self-imposed blindness 7068is high. San Salvador is closer to Saigon than to Munich. 7069 -- William LeoGrande, "New York Times", 3/9/83 7070% 7071A Difficulty for Every Solution. 7072 -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service 7073% 7074A diplomat is a man who can convince his 7075wife she'd look stout in a fur coat. 7076% 7077A diplomat is a man who can tell you to 7078go to hell and make the trip sound pleasurable. 7079 -- Samuel Clemens 7080% 7081A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell 7082in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip. 7083 -- Caskie Stinnett, "Out of the Red" 7084% 7085A diplomat is man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never her age. 7086 -- Robert Frost 7087% 7088A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that 7089you will look forward to the trip. 7090% 7091A diplomatic husband said to his wife, "How do you expect me to remember 7092your birthday when you never look any older?" 7093% 7094A diplomat's life consists of three things: protocol, Geritol, and alcohol. 7095 -- Adlai E. Stevenson 7096% 7097A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Was it true," the woman 7098inquired, "that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest 7099of her life?" 7100 She was told that it was. There was just a moment of silence before 7101the woman proceeded bravely on. "Well, I'm wondering, then, how serious my 7102condition is. This prescription is marked `NO REFILLS'". 7103% 7104A diva who specializes in risqu'e arias is an off-coloratura soprano. 7105% 7106A doctor calls his patient to give him the results of his tests. "I have 7107some bad news," says the doctor, "and some worse news." The bad news is 7108that you only have six weeks to live." 7109 "Oh, no," says the patient. "What could possibly be worse than 7110that?" 7111 "Well," the doctor replies, "I've been trying to reach you since 7112last Monday." 7113% 7114A doctor was stranded with a lawyer in a leaky life raft in shark-infested 7115waters. The doctor tried to swim ashore but was eaten by the sharks. The 7116lawyer, however, swam safely past the bloodthirsty sharks. "Professional 7117courtesy," he explained. 7118% 7119A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. 7120 -- Ogden Nash 7121% 7122A dozen, a gross, and a score, 7123Plus three times the square root of four, 7124 Divided by seven, 7125 Plus five times eleven, 7126Equals nine squared plus zero, no more. 7127% 7128A drama critic is a person who surprises a playwright by informing him 7129what he meant. 7130 -- Wilson Mizner 7131% 7132A dream will always triumph over reality, once it is given the chance. 7133 -- Stanislaw Lem 7134% 7135A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to 7136a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate 7137a shilling. "Only a shilling?" exclaimed the man. "Only a shilling to bury 7138an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty of them." 7139% 7140A fail-safe circuit will destroy others. 7141 -- Klipstein 7142% 7143A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection. 7144% 7145A fair exterior is a silent recommendation. 7146 -- Publilius Syrus 7147% 7148A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer 7149should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around 7150she deserved. 7151 -- Robert A. Heinlein 7152% 7153A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a 7154Xerox 1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser. 7155Wanting to help, the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network 7156with the mouse, and asked "what do you see?" Very earnestly, the 7157Undergraduate replied "I see a cursor." The Hacker then quickly 7158pressed the boot toggle at the back of the keyboard, while 7159simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head with a thick 7160Interlisp Manual. The Undergraduate was then Enlightened. 7161% 7162A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. 7163 -- Winston Churchill 7164% 7165A farmer is a man outstanding in his field. 7166% 7167A feed salesman is on his way to a farm. As he's driving along at forty 7168m.p.h., he looks out his car window and sees a three-legged chicken running 7169alongside him, keeping pace with his car. He is amazed that a chicken is 7170running at forty m.p.h. So he speeds up to forty-five, fifty, then sixty 7171m.p.h. The chicken keeps right up with him the whole way, then suddenly 7172takes off and disappears into the distance. 7173 The man pulls into the farmyard and says to the farmer, "You know, 7174the strangest thing just happened to me; I was driving along at at least 7175sixty miles an hour and a chicken passed me like I was standing still!" 7176 "Yeah," the farmer replies, "that chicken was ours. You see, there's 7177me, and there's Ma, and there's our son Billy. Whenever we had chicken for 7178dinner, we would all want a drumstick, so we'd have to kill two chickens. 7179So we decided to try and breed a three-legged chicken so each of us could 7180have a drumstick." 7181 "How do they taste?" said the farmer. 7182 "Don't know," replied the farmer. "We haven't been able to catch 7183one yet." 7184% 7185A fellow bought a new car, a Nissan, and was quite happy with his purchase. 7186He was something of an animist, however, and felt that the car really ought 7187to have a name. This presented a problem, as he was not sure if the name 7188should be masculine or feminine. 7189 After considerable thought, he settled on naming the car either 7190Belchazar or Beaumadine, but remained in a quandry about the final choice. 7191 "Is a Nissan male or female?" he began asking his friends. Most of 7192them looked at him peculiarly, mumbled things about urgent appointments, and 7193went on their way rather quickly. 7194 He finally broached the question to a lady he knew who held a black 7195belt in judo. She thought for a moment and answered "Feminine." 7196 The swiftness of her response puzzled him. "You're sure of that?" he 7197asked. 7198 "Certainly," she replied. "They wouldn't sell very well if they were 7199masculine." 7200 "Unhhh... Well, why not?" 7201 "Because people want a car with a reputation for going when you want 7202it to. And, if Nissan's are female, it's like they say... `Each Nissan, she 7203go!'" 7204 7205 [No, we WON'T explain it; go ask someone who practices an oriental 7206 martial art. (Tai Chi Chuan probably doesn't count.) Ed.] 7207% 7208A few hours grace before the madness begins again. 7209% 7210A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles. 7211% 7212A fisherman from Maine went to Alabama on his vacation. He rented a boat, 7213rowed out to the middle of the lake, and cast his line, but when he looked 7214down into the water he was horrified to see a man wrapped in chains lying 7215on the bottom of the lake. He quickly rowed to shore and ran to the police 7216station. "Sheriff, sheriff," he gasped, there's a guy wrapped in chains, 7217drowned in the lake!" 7218 "Now ain't that jest like a Yankee," drawled the sheriff, "to steal 7219more chain than he can swim with?" 7220% 7221A fitter fits; Though sinners sin 7222A cutter cuts; And thinners thin 7223And an aircraft spotter spots; And paper-blotters blot 7224A baby-sitter I've never yet 7225Baby-sits -- Had letters let 7226But an otter never ots. Or seen an otter ot. 7227 7228A batter bats 7229(Or scatters scats); 7230A potting shed's for potting; 7231But no one's found 7232A bounder bound 7233Or caught an otter otting. 7234 -- Ralph Lewin 7235% 7236A flashy Mercedes-Benz roared up to the curb where a cute young miss stood 7237waiting for a taxi. 7238 "Hi," said the gentleman at the wheel. "I'm going west." 7239 "How wonderful," came the cool reply. "Bring me back an orange." 7240% 7241A fool and his honey are soon parted. 7242% 7243A fool and his money are soon popular. 7244% 7245A fool and your money are soon partners. 7246% 7247A fool is a man who worries about whether or not his lover has integrity. 7248A wise man, on the other hand, busies himself with deeper attributes. 7249% 7250A fool must now and then be right by chance. 7251% 7252A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds. 7253 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 7254% 7255A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block 7256of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant. 7257% 7258A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into 7259superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education. 7260 -- George Bernard Shaw 7261% 7262A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used. 7263 -- D. Gries 7264% 7265A Fortran compiler is the hobgoblin of little minis. 7266% 7267A fox is wolf who sends flowers. 7268 -- Ruth Weston 7269% 7270A fractal is by definition a set for which the Hausdorff Besicovitch 7271dimension strictly exceeds the topological dimension. 7272 -- Mandelbrot, "The Fractal Geometry of Nature" 7273% 7274A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular. 7275 -- Adlai E. Stevenson 7276% 7277A freelancer is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps. 7278 -- Robert Benchley 7279% 7280A friend in need is a pest indeed. 7281% 7282A friend is a present you give yourself. 7283 -- Robert Louis Stevenson 7284% 7285A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. 7286You'll just be walking down the street and... Ooohh, that's much better. 7287 -- Steven Wright 7288% 7289A friend of mine won't get a divorce, because he hates 7290lawyers more than he hates his wife. 7291% 7292A full belly makes a dull brain. 7293 -- Benjamin Franklin 7294 7295 [and the local candy machine man. Ed] 7296% 7297A "full" life in my experience is usually full only of other 7298people's demands. 7299% 7300A furore Normanorum libera nos, O Domine! 7301% 7302A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than 7303he could be elected Pope of Rome. Both high posts are reserved for men 7304favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter 7305facts of life in bandages of self-illusion. 7306 -- H. L. Mencken 7307% 7308A gambler's biggest thrill is winning a bet. 7309His next biggest thrill is losing a bet. 7310% 7311A gangster assembled an engineer, a chemist, and a physicist. He explained 7312that he was entering a horse in a race the following week and the three 7313assembled guys had the job of assuring that the gangster's horse would win. 7314They were to reconvene the day before the race to tell the gangster how they 7315each propose to ensure a win. When they reconvened the gangster started with 7316the engineer: 7317 7318Gangster: OK, Mr. engineer, what have you got? 7319Engineer: Well, I've invented a way to weave metallic threads into the saddle 7320 blanket so that they will act as the plates of a battery and provide 7321 electrical shock to the horse. 7322G: That's very good! But let's hear from the chemist. 7323Chemist: I've synthesized a powerful stimulant that dissolves 7324 into simple blood sugars after ten minutes and therefore 7325 cannot be detected in post-race tests. 7326G: Excellent, excellent! But I want to hear from the physicist before 7327 I decide what to do. Physicist? 7328 7329Physicist: Well, first consider a spherical horse in simple harmonic motion... 7330% 7331A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding 7332ducks. 7333 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 7334% 7335A gentleman is a man who wouldn't hit a lady with his hat on. 7336 -- Evan Esar 7337 [ And why not? For why does she have his hat on? Ed.] 7338% 7339A gentleman never strikes a lady with his hat on. 7340 -- Fred Allen 7341% 7342A gift of a flower will soon be made to you. 7343% 7344A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident. 7345A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident. 7346But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *_t_h_a_t _h_a_d _t_o _m_e_a_n _s_o_m_e_t_h_i_n_g*. 7347 -- S. Morgenstern, "The Silent Gondoliers" 7348% 7349A girl with a future avoids the man with a past. 7350 -- Evan Esar, "The Humor of Humor" 7351% 7352A girl's best friend is her mutter. 7353 -- Dorothy Parker 7354% 7355A girl's conscience doesn't really keep her from doing anything wrong-- 7356it merely keeps her from enjoying it. 7357% 7358A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like 7359a quop without a fertsneet (sort of). 7360% 7361A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. 7362Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific 7363game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have 7364traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, 7365preferably atop a nice firm tuft of grass. 7366 -- Donald A. Metz 7367% 7368A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and 7369placed in the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or 7370rolled into the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results 7371from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball 7372and the player should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the 7373ball resulting from such uncontrollable physical phenomena. 7374 -- Donald A. Metz 7375% 7376A good man always knows his limitations. 7377 -- Harry Callahan 7378% 7379A good marriage would be between a blind wife and deaf husband. 7380 -- Michel de Montaigne 7381% 7382A good memory does not equal pale ink. 7383% 7384A good name lost is seldom regained. When character is gone, 7385all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever. 7386 -- J. Hawes 7387% 7388A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow. 7389 -- Patton 7390% 7391A good programmer is someone who looks both ways before crossing a 7392one-way street. 7393 -- Doug Linder 7394% 7395A good question is never answered. It is not a bolt to be tightened 7396into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the 7397hope of greening the landscape of idea. 7398 -- John Ciardi 7399% 7400A good reputation is more valuable than money. 7401 -- Publilius Syrus 7402% 7403A good scapegoat is hard to find. 7404% 7405A good supervisor can step on your toes without messing up your shine. 7406% 7407A good sysadmin always carries around a few feet of fiber. If he ever 7408gets lost, he simply drops the fiber on the ground, waits ten minutes, 7409then asks the backhoe operator for directions. 7410 -- Bill Bradford <mrbill@mrbill.net> 7411% 7412A GOOD WAY TO THREATEN somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you 7413call the guy and hold the burning fuse to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. 7414"That's dynamite, baby." 7415 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 7416% 7417A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to 7418you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to 7419you about yourself. 7420 -- Lisa Kirk 7421% 7422A gourmet restaurant in Cincinnati is one where you leave the tray on 7423the table after you eat. 7424% 7425A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart that looks at her watch. 7426 -- James Beard 7427% 7428A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough 7429to take it all away. 7430 -- Barry Goldwater 7431% 7432A grammarian's life is always intense. 7433% 7434A great empire, like a great cake, is most easily diminished at the edges. 7435 -- Benjamin Franklin 7436% 7437A great many people think they are thinking 7438when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. 7439 -- William James 7440% 7441A great nation is any mob of people which produces at least one honest 7442man a century. 7443% 7444A green hunting cap squeezed the top of the fleshy balloon of a head. The 7445green earflaps, full of large ears and uncut hair and the fine bristles that 7446grew in the ears themselves, stuck out on either side like turn signals 7447indicating two directions at once. Full, pursed lips protruded beneath the 7448bushy black moustache and, at their corners, sank into little folds filled 7449with disapproval and potato chip crumbs. In the shadow under the green visor 7450of the cap Ignatius J. Reilly's supercilious blue and yellow eyes looked down 7451upon the other people waiting under the clock at the D. H. Holmes department 7452store, studying the crowd of people for signs of bad taste in dress. Several 7453of the outfits, Ignatius noticed, were new enough and expensive enough to be 7454properly considered offenses against taste and decency. Possession of 7455anything new or expensive only reflected a person's lack of theology and 7456geometry; it could even cast doubts upon one's soul. 7457 -- John Kennedy Toole, "Confederacy of Dunces" 7458% 7459A group of politicians deciding to dump a President because his morals 7460are bad is like the Mafia getting together to bump off the Godfather for 7461not going to church on Sunday. 7462 -- Russell Baker 7463% 7464A guilty conscience is the mother of invention. 7465 -- Carolyn Wells 7466% 7467A guy has to get fresh once in a while 7468so a girl doesn't lose her confidence. 7469% 7470A hacker does for love what others would not do for money. 7471% 7472A halted retreat 7473Is nerve-wracking and dangerous. 7474To retain people as men -- and maidservants 7475Brings good fortune. 7476% 7477A hammer sometimes misses its mark - a bouquet never. 7478% 7479A handful of friends is worth more than a wagon of gold. 7480% 7481A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains. 7482% 7483A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own 7484weight in other people's patience. 7485 -- John Updike 7486% 7487A help wanted add for a photo journalist asked the rhetorical question: 7488 7489If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save 7490a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning 7491photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would 7492you use? 7493 7494 -- Paul Harvey 7495% 7496A Hen Brooding Kittens 7497 A friend informs us that he saw at the Novato ranch, Marin county, 7498a few days since, a hen actually brooding and otherwise caring for three 7499kittens! The gentleman upon whose premises this strange event is transpiring 7500says the hen adopted the kittens when they were but a few days old, and that 7501she has devoted them her undivided care for several weeks past. The young 7502felines are now of respectable size, but they nevertheless follow the hen at 7503her cluckings, and are regularly brooded at night beneath her wings. 7504 -- Sacramento Daily Union, July 2, 1861 7505% 7506A hermit is a deserter from the army of humanity. 7507% 7508A holding company is a thing where you hand 7509an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you. 7510% 7511A Hollywood producer calls a friend, another producer on the phone. 7512 "Hello?" his friend answers. 7513 "Hi!" says the man. "This is Bob, how are you doing?" 7514 "Oh," says the friend, "I'm doing great! I just sold a screenplay 7515for two hundred thousand dollars. I've started a novel adaptation and the 7516studio advanced me fifty thousand dollars on it. I also have a television 7517series coming on next week, and everyone says it's going to be a big hit! 7518I'm doing *great*! How are you?" 7519 "Okay," says the producer, "give me a call when he leaves." 7520% 7521A homeowner's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a weekend for? 7522% 7523A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse! 7524 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 7525% 7526A hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong! 7527% 7528A hundred years from now it is very likely that [of Twain's works] "The 7529Jumping Frog" alone will be remembered. 7530 -- Harry Thurston Peck (Editor of "The Bookman"), January 1901 7531% 7532A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. 7533 -- Helen Rowland 7534% 7535A hypocrite is a person who ... but who isn't? 7536 -- Don Marquis 7537% 7538A hypothetical paradox: 7539 What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security 7540team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of 7541Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet? 7542 -- Tom Galloway 7543% 7544A is for Amy who fell down the stairs, B is for Basil assaulted by bears. 7545C is for Clara who wasted away, D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh. 7546E is for Ernest who choked on a peach, F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech. 7547G is for George, smothered under a rug, H is for Hector, done in by a thug. 7548I is for Ida who drowned in the lake, J is for James who took lye, by mistake. 7549K is for Kate who was struck with an axe, L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks. 7550M is for Maud who was swept out to sea, N is for Neville who died of ennui. 7551O is for Olive, run through with an awl, P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl 7552Q is for Quentin who sank in a mire, R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire. 7553S is for Susan who perished of fits, T is for Titus who flew into bits. 7554U is for Una who slipped down a drain, V is for Victor, squashed under a train. 7555W is for Winnie, embedded in ice, X is for Xerxes, devoured by mice. 7556Y is for Yorick whose head was bashed in, Z is for Zillah who drank too much gin. 7557 -- Edward Gorey, "The Gashlycrumb Tinies" 7558% 7559A is for Apple. 7560 -- Hester Pryne 7561% 7562A is for awk, which runs like a snail, and 7563B is for biff, which reads all your mail. 7564C is for cc, as hackers recall, while 7565D is for dd, the command that does all. 7566E is for emacs, which rebinds your keys, and 7567F is for fsck, which rebuilds your trees. 7568G is for grep, a clever detective, while 7569H is for halt, which may seem defective. 7570I is for indent, which rarely amuses, and 7571J is for join, which nobody uses. 7572K is for kill, which makes you the boss, while 7573L is for lex, which is missing from DOS. 7574M is for more, from which less was begot, and 7575N is for nice, which it really is not. 7576O is for od, which prints out things nice, while 7577P is for passwd, which reads in strings twice. 7578Q is for quota, a Berkeley-type fable, and 7579R is for ranlib, for sorting ar table. 7580S is for spell, which attempts to belittle, while 7581T is for true, which does very little. 7582U is for uniq, which is used after sort, and 7583V is for vi, which is hard to abort. 7584W is for whoami, which tells you your name, while 7585X is, well, X, of dubious fame. 7586Y is for yes, which makes an impression, and 7587Z is for zcat, which handles compression. 7588 -- THE ABC'S OF UNIX 7589% 7590A joint is just tea for two. 7591% 7592A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance from Sam. 7593% 7594A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step. 7595 -- Lao Tsu 7596% 7597A journey of a thousand miles starts under one's feet. 7598 -- Lao Tsu 7599% 7600A jug of wine, a bowl of rice with it; 7601Earthen vessels 7602Simply handed in through the window. 7603There is certainly no blame in this. 7604% 7605A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer. 7606 -- Robert Frost 7607% 7608A key to the understanding of all religions is that a God's idea of a 7609good time is a game of Snakes and Ladders with greased rungs. 7610% 7611A kid'll eat the middle of an Oreo, eventually. 7612% 7613A kind of Batman of contemporary letters. 7614 -- Philip Larkin on Anthony Burgess 7615% 7616A king's castle is his home. 7617% 7618A kiss is a course of procedure, cunningly devised, 7619for the mutual stoppage of speech at a moment when 7620words are superfluous. 7621% 7622A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction. 7623% 7624A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally. 7625 -- Lillian Day 7626% 7627A lady with one of her ears applied 7628To an open keyhole heard, inside, 7629Two female gossips in converse free -- 7630The subject engaging them was she. 7631"I think", said one, "and my husband thinks 7632That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!" 7633As soon as no more of it she could hear 7634The lady, indignant, removed her ear. 7635"I will not stay," she said with a pout, 7636"To hear my character lied about!" 7637 -- Gopete Sherany 7638% 7639A language that doesn't affect the way you 7640think about programming is not worth knowing. 7641 -- Alan J. Perlis 7642% 7643A language that doesn't have everything is 7644actually easier to program in than some that do. 7645 -- Dennis M. Ritchie 7646% 7647A lanky Texan was mad because Texas had just become the second largest state in 7648the Union, so he made up his mind to move to Alaska. He drove for three days 7649and three nights to get there and finally he came to what looked like the state 7650line. He halted his car and walked up to the border guard. "Hi, there! How 7651do I become a resident of this here biggest state?" demanded the Texan. 7652 The guard looked him up and down and grinned. "Waal," he answered, 7653there are three things you gotta do to get in. First, drink down a quart of 7654110 proof corn liquor without blinkin'. Second, kill a grizzly bear, and 7655third, make love to an Eskimo woman." 7656 "Sounds easy enough," said the Texan. "Where can I get a quart of 7657this here corn liquor?" 7658 "Got one right here," replied the guard. 7659 The Texan gulped down the whiskey without batting an eyelash. 7660"Now, do you happen to know where I can find me a grizzly?" 7661 "Yep," answered the guard, "there's a big b'ar over that way, 'bout 7662a mile... lives in a cave on that cliff." 7663 The Texan lurched merrily off. About an hour later he returned 7664with his clothes almost torn off and his face scratched and bloody. He was 7665smiling happily. "Now," he roared, "where's that damn Eskimo woman you 7666want killed?" 7667% 7668A large number of installed systems work by fiat. 7669That is, they work by being declared to work. 7670 -- Anatol Holt 7671% 7672A large spider in an old house built a beautiful web in which to catch flies. 7673Every time a fly landed on the web and was entangled in it the spider devoured 7674him, so that when another fly came along he would think the web was a safe and 7675quiet place in which to rest. One day a fairly intelligent fly buzzed around 7676above the web so long without lighting that the spider appeared and said, 7677"Come on down." But the fly was too clever for him and said, "I never light 7678where I don't see other flies and I don't see any other flies in your house." 7679So he flew away until he came to a place where there were a great many other 7680flies. He was about to settle down among them when a bee buzzed up and said, 7681"Hold it, stupid, that's flypaper. All those flies are trapped." "Don't be 7682silly," said the fly, "they're dancing." So he settled down and became stuck 7683to the flypaper with all the other flies. 7684 7685Moral: There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else. 7686 -- James Thurber, "The Fairly Intelligent Fly" 7687% 7688A Law of Computer Programming: 7689 Make it possible for programmers to write in English 7690 and you will find that programmers cannot write in English. 7691% 7692A liberal is a man too broad minded to take his own side in a quarrel. 7693 -- Robert Frost 7694% 7695A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment. 7696 -- Willis Player 7697% 7698A lie in time saves nine. 7699% 7700A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of 7701trouble. 7702 -- Adlai E. Stevenson 7703% 7704A life lived in fear is a life half lived. 7705% 7706A life spent in search of the perfect hash brownie is a life well spent. 7707% 7708A lifetime isn't nearly long enough to figure out what it's all about. 7709% 7710A light wife doth make a heavy husband. 7711 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" 7712% 7713A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility. 7714 -- Aristotle 7715% 7716A limerick packs laughs anatomical 7717Into space that is quite economical. 7718 But the good ones I've seen 7719 So seldom are clean, 7720And the clean ones so seldom are comical. 7721% 7722A LISP programmer knows the value of 7723everything, but the cost of nothing. 7724 -- Alan J. Perlis 7725% 7726A list is only as strong as its weakest link. 7727 -- Donald E. Knuth 7728% 7729A little experience often upsets a lot of theory. 7730% 7731A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation. 7732 -- C. E. Ayres 7733% 7734A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation. 7735 -- H. H. Munroe a.k.a. Saki, "The Square Egg" (1924) 7736% 7737A little kid went up to Santa and asked him, "Santa, you know when I'm bad 7738right?" And Santa says, "Yes, I do." The little kid then asks, "And you 7739know when I'm sleeping?" To which Santa replies, "Every minute." So the 7740little kid then says, "Well, if you know when I'm bad and when I'm good, 7741then how come you don't know what I want for Christmas?" 7742% 7743A little retrospection shows that although many fine, useful software systems 7744have been designed by committees and built as part of multipart projects, 7745those software systems that have excited passionate fans are those that are 7746the products of one or a few designing minds, great designers. Consider Unix, 7747APL, Pascal, Modula, the Smalltalk interface, even Fortran; and contrast them 7748with Cobol, PL/I, Algol, MVS/370, and MS-DOS. 7749 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr. 7750% 7751A little word of doubtful number, 7752A foe to rest and peaceful slumber. 7753If you add an "s" to this, 7754Great is the metamorphosis. 7755Plural is plural now no more, 7756And sweet what bitter was before. 7757What am I? 7758% 7759A log may float in a river, but that does not make it a crocodile. 7760% 7761A long memory is the most subversive idea in America. 7762% 7763A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. 7764Buy the negatives at any price. 7765% 7766A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never. 7767% 7768A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths. 7769 -- Steven Wright 7770% 7771A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, 7772and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks. 7773 -- Lew Col 7774% 7775A lover without indiscretion is no lover at all. 7776 -- Thomas Hardy 7777% 7778A major, with wonderful force, 7779Called out in Hyde Park for a horse. 7780 All the flowers looked round, 7781 But no horse could be found; 7782So he just rhododendron, of course. 7783% 7784A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car. 7785 -- Carrie Snow 7786% 7787A man always needs to remember one thing about 7788a beautiful woman. Somewhere, somebody's tired of her. 7789% 7790A man always remembers his first love with special 7791tenderness, but after that begins to bunch them. 7792 -- H. L. Mencken 7793% 7794A man arrived home early to find his wife in the arms of his best friend, 7795who swore how much they were in love. To quiet the enraged husband, the 7796lover suggested, "Friends shouldn't fight, let's play gin rummy. If I win, 7797you get a divorce so I can marry her. If you win, I promise never to see 7798her again. Okay?" 7799 "Alright," agreed the husband. "But how about a quarter a point 7800on the side to make it interesting?" 7801% 7802A man can have two, maybe three love affairs while he's married. After 7803that it's cheating. 7804 -- Yves Montand 7805% 7806A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen 7807or twenty mistakes she's a tramp. 7808 -- Joan Rivers 7809% 7810A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there himself. 7811 -- Du Bois 7812% 7813A man fell off a mountain and, as he fell, saw a branch and grabbed for it. 7814By superhuman effort he was able to get a precarious grip on it. As he 7815was hanging there for dear life, he looked up and cried out, 7816 "Is anybody there?" 7817A deep majestic voice answered, 7818 "Yes my son, I am here. What do you need?" 7819 "Help me!!" cried the man. 7820 "I will help you", said the voice, "Just let go of the branch and 7821you'll be safe. All you have to do is trust." 7822The man thought for a moment and cried out: 7823 "Anybody ELSE up there?" 7824% 7825A man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles 7826in the road. 7827 -- Alexander Smith 7828% 7829A man goes into a bar and begins to tell a Polish joke. The man sitting 7830next to him, a big hulking powerhouse, turns and says menacingly, "*I'm* 7831Polish." 7832 He then calls out, "Ivan! Come over here and bring your brother." 7833Two men, bigger than the first, appear from the back room. 7834 "Josef!" the man calls out, "come here a second, and bring Lendl 7835with you." Two more men appear, and all five men crowd around the man with 7836the joke. 7837 "Now," says the first Polish man, "do you want to finish that joke?" 7838 "Nah," says the man. 7839 "Oh, no? And why not? I'm sure it was very funny," says the Polish 7840man, opening and closing his fist. "Are you scared?" 7841 "No," replies the man. "I just don't feel like having to explain it 7842five times." 7843% 7844A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished. 7845 -- Zsa Zsa Gabor, "Newsweek" 7846% 7847A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him. 7848 -- Brendan Francis 7849% 7850A man is crawling through the Sahara desert when he is approached by another 7851man riding on a camel. When the rider gets close enough, the crawling man 7852whispers through his sun-parched lips, "Water... please... can you give... 7853water..." 7854 "I'm sorry," replies the man on the camel, "I don't have any water 7855with me. But I'd be delighted to sell you a necktie." 7856 "Tie?" whispers the man. "I need *water*." 7857 "They're only four dollars apiece." 7858 "I need *water*." 7859 "Okay, okay, say two for seven dollars." 7860 "Please! I need *water*!", says the man. 7861 "I don't have any water, all I have are ties," replies the salesman, 7862and he heads off into the distance. 7863 The man, losing track of time, crawls for what seems like days. 7864Finally, nearly dead, sun-blind and with his skin peeling and blistering, he 7865sees a restaurant in the distance. Summoning the last of his strength he 7866staggers up to the door and confronts the head waiter. 7867 "Water... can I get... water," the dying man manages to stammer. 7868 "I'm sorry, sir, ties required." 7869% 7870A man is known by the company he organizes. 7871 -- Ambrose Bierce 7872% 7873A man is like a rusty wheel on a rusty cart, 7874He sings his song as he rattles along and then he falls apart. 7875 -- Richard Thompson 7876% 7877A man is only as old as the woman he feels. 7878 -- Groucho Marx 7879% 7880A man is walking along when he sees a funeral procession going by, the 7881longest procession he's ever seen. It seems to consist of the hearse, 7882followed by a man with a Doberman on a leash, followed by several hundred 7883other men. After watching for a few minutes, he can restrain his curiosity 7884no longer, and walks up to one of the mourners. 7885 "Excuse me, sir, I don't mean to bother you in your moment of grief, 7886but this is the strangest procession I've ever seen. What happened, who is 7887the funeral for?" 7888 "Well, it's nothing special, really, the funeral is for the mother- 7889in-law of the man at the front of the procession. You see, his Doberman 7890attacked and killed her." 7891 "That's awful!", replies the onlooker. "But... um... tell me, you 7892don't think he'd let me borrow that dog, do you?" 7893 "Get in line, buddy," replies the mourner, "get in line." 7894% 7895A man is walking down the street when he sees a man with four arms, and 7896antennae coming out of his head. He goes up to him and says, "You're not 7897from around here, are you?" 7898 "No," replies the man with the antennae. 7899 "You know," continues the man, "I don't think you're an American, 7900either. In fact, I bet you don't even come from this planet!" 7901 "Right again," says the man with four arms. "I'm from Mars." 7902 "Well," says the man, "that's quite some configuration you've got 7903there, with those four arms and those antennae and everything." 7904 "We Martians all have four arms and antennae." 7905 "Well, that's just amazing," replies the man, "and how about that 7906big gold colored plate in the middle of your chest, what's that, do all 7907Martians have that?" 7908 "Well, no," says the Martian. "Not the *goyim*." 7909% 7910A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be 7911bothered with sex and all that sort of thing. 7912 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle" 7913% 7914A man may be so much of everything that he is nothing of anything. 7915 -- Samuel Johnson 7916% 7917A man may sometimes be forgiven the kiss to which he is not entitled, 7918but never the kiss he has not the initiative to claim. 7919% 7920A man may well bring a horse to the water, 7921but he cannot make him drink with he will. 7922 -- John Heywood 7923% 7924A man of genius makes no mistakes. 7925His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery. 7926 -- James Joyce, "Ulysses" 7927% 7928A man paints with his brains and not with his hands. 7929% 7930A man said to the Universe: 7931 "Sir, I exist!" 7932 "However," replied the Universe, 7933 "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation." 7934 -- Stephen Crane 7935% 7936A man took his wife deer hunting for the first time. After he'd given her 7937some basic instructions, they agreed to separate and rendezvous later. Before 7938he left, he warned her if she should fell a deer to be wary of hunters who 7939might beat her to the carcass and claim the kill. If that happened, he told 7940her, she should fire her gun three times into the air and he would come to 7941her aid. 7942 Shortly after they separated, he heard a single shot, followed quickly 7943by the agreed upon signal. Running to the scene, he found his wife standing 7944in a small clearing with a very nervous man staring down her gun barrel. 7945 "He claims this is his," she said, obviously very upset. 7946 "She can keep it, she can keep it!" the wide-eyed man replied. "I 7947just want to get my saddle back!" 7948% 7949A man usually falls in love with a woman who asks the kinds of questions 7950he is able to answer. 7951 -- Ronald Colman 7952% 7953A man was griping to his friend about how he hated to go home after a 7954late card games. 7955 "You wouldn't believe what I go through to avoid waking my wife," 7956he said. "First, I kill the engine a block away from the house and coast 7957into the garage. Then I open the door slowly, take off my shoes, and 7958tiptoe to our room. But just as I'm about to slide into bed, she always 7959wakes up and gives me hell." 7960 "I make a big racket when I go home," his friend replied. 7961 "You do?" 7962 "Sure. I honk the horn, slam the door, turn on all the lights, 7963stomp up to the bedroom and give my wife a big kiss. `Hi, Alice,' I say. 7964`How about a little smooch for your old man?'" 7965 "And what does she say?" his friend asked in disbelief. 7966 "She doesn't say anything," his buddy replied. "She always pretends 7967she's asleep." 7968% 7969A man was kneeling by a grave in a cemetery, crying and praying very loudly, 7970 "Oh why..eeeee did you die...eeeeee, Oh Why..eeeeee, 7971why did you Di......eeee" 7972The caretaker walks up, pardons himself and asks politely, 7973 "Excuse me, sir, but I've been seeing you for hours now, 7974carrying on at this grave. You must have been very close to the deceased." 7975 "No, I never met him. Oh why....eeeee did you dieeeeee, 7976why....eeeee did you.." 7977 "Sir, you say you never met this person, yet you carry on so? 7978Tell, me who is buried here?" 7979 "My wife's first husband." 7980% 7981A man who cannot seduce men cannot save them either. 7982 -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855) 7983% 7984A man who carries a cat by its tail learns something he can learn 7985in no other way. 7986% 7987A man who fishes for marlin in ponds 7988will put his money in Etruscan bonds. 7989% 7990A man who likes to lie in bed can usually 7991find a girl willing to listen to him. 7992% 7993A man who turns green has eschewed protein. 7994% 7995A man with 3 wings and a dictionary is cousin to the turkey. 7996% 7997A man with one watch knows what time it is. 7998A man with two watches is never quite sure. 7999% 8000A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle. 8001% 8002A man without a woman is like a fish without gills. 8003% 8004A man without a woman is like a statue without pigeons. 8005% 8006A man would still do something out of sheer perversity - he would create 8007destruction and chaos - just to gain his point... and if all this could in 8008turn be analyzed and prevented by predicting that it would occur, then man 8009would deliberately go mad to prove his point. 8010 -- Feodor Dostoevsky, "Notes From the Underground" 8011% 8012A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package. 8013% 8014A man's best friend is his dogma. 8015% 8016A man's gotta know his limitations. 8017 -- Clint Eastwood, "Dirty Harry" 8018% 8019A man's house is his castle. 8020 -- Sir Edward Coke 8021% 8022A man's house is his hassle. 8023% 8024A master was asked the question, "What is the Way?" by a curious monk. 8025 "It is right before your eyes," said the master. 8026 "Why do I not see it for myself?" 8027 "Because you are thinking of yourself." 8028 "What about you: do you see it?" 8029 "So long as you see double, saying `I don't', and `you do', and so 8030on, your eyes are clouded," said the master. 8031 "When there is neither `I' nor `You', can one see it?" 8032 "When there is neither `I' nor `You', 8033who is the one that wants to see it?" 8034% 8035A mathematician, a doctor, and an engineer are walking on the beach and 8036observe a team of lifeguards pumping the stomach of a drowned woman. As 8037they watch, water, sand, snails and such come out of the pump. 8038 The doctor watches for a while and says: "Keep pumping, men, you may 8039yet save her!!" 8040 The mathematician does some calculations and says: "According to my 8041understanding of the size of that pump, you have already pumped more water 8042from her body than could be contained in a cylinder 4 feet in diameter and 80436 feet high." 8044 The engineer says: "I think she's sitting in a puddle." 8045% 8046A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems. 8047 -- P. Erdos 8048% 8049A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems. 8050% 8051A meeting is an event at which the 8052minutes are kept and the hours are lost. 8053% 8054A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, 8055but to protect the writer. 8056 -- Dean Acheson 8057% 8058A method of solution is perfect if we can foresee from the start, 8059and even prove, that following that method we shall attain our aim. 8060 -- Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz 8061% 8062A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed 8063on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new 8064game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the 8065pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly 8066along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their 8067heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn 8068around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite 8069direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the 8070paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin 8071colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins 8072fall over gently onto their backs. 8073 -- Audubon Society Magazine 8074 8075[From the BBC, 2001-02-02: 8076 For five weeks, a team from the British Antarctic Survey (BAS) 8077monitored 1,000 king penguins on the island of South Georgia as Lynx 8078helicopters passed overhead. 8079 "Not one king penguin fell over when the helicopters came over," 8080said team leader Dr. Richard Stone. 8081 "As the aircraft approached, the birds went quiet and stopped 8082calling to each other, and adolescent birds that were not associated 8083with nests began walking away from the noise. Pure animal instinct, 8084really." 8085 The conclusion, said Dr. Stone, is that flights over 305 metres 8086(1,000 feet) caused "only minor and transitory ecological effects" on 8087king penguins.] 8088% 8089A mighty creature is the germ, 8090Though smaller than the pachyderm. 8091His customary dwelling place 8092Is deep within the human race. 8093His childish pride he often pleases 8094By giving people strange diseases. 8095Do you, my poppet, feel infirm? 8096You probably contain a germ. 8097 -- Ogden Nash 8098% 8099A mind is a wonderful thing to waste. 8100% 8101A modem is a baudy house. 8102% 8103A modest woman, dressed out in all her finery, 8104is the most tremendous object in the whole creation. 8105 -- Goldsmith 8106% 8107A mother mouse was taking her large brood for a stroll across the kitchen 8108floor one day when the local cat, by a feat of stealth unusual even for 8109its species, managed to trap them in a corner. The children cowered, 8110terrified by this fearsome beast, plaintively crying, "Help, Mother! 8111Save us! Save us! We're scared, Mother!" 8112 Mother Mouse, with the hopeless valor of a parent protecting its 8113children, turned with her teeth bared to the cat, towering huge above them, 8114and suddenly began to bark in a fashion that would have done any Doberman 8115proud. The startled cat fled in fear for its life. 8116 As her grateful offspring flocked around her shouting "Oh, Mother, 8117you saved us!" and "Yay! You scared the cat away!" she turned to them 8118purposefully and declared, "You see how useful it is to know a second 8119language?" 8120% 8121A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, 8122and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes. 8123 -- Frost 8124% 8125A motion to adjourn is always in order. 8126% 8127A mouse is a device used to point at the xterm you want to type in. 8128% 8129A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese. 8130% 8131A mushroom cloud has no silver lining. 8132% 8133A musician, an artist, an architect: 8134 the man or woman who is not one of these is not a Christian. 8135 -- William Blake 8136% 8137A myth is a religion in which no-one any longer believes. 8138 -- James Feibleman, "Understanding Philosophy" 8139% 8140A narcissist is someone better looking than you are. 8141 -- Gore Vidal 8142% 8143A nasty looking dwarf throws a knife at you. 8144% 8145A national debt, if it is not excessive, 8146will be to us a national blessing. 8147 -- Alexander Hamilton 8148% 8149A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey. "It is out 8150on loan," the teacher replied. At that moment, the donkey brayed 8151loudly inside the stable. "But I can hear it bray, over there." "Whom 8152do you believe," asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?" 8153% 8154A new 'chutist had just jumped from the plane at 10,000 feet, and soon 8155discovered that all his lines were hopelessly tangled. At about 5,000 feet, 8156still struggling, he noticed someone coming up from the ground at about the 8157same speed as he was going towards the ground. As they passed each other at 81583,000 feet, the 'chutist yells, "HEY! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PARACHUTES?" 8159 The reply came, fading towards the end, "NO! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING 8160ABOUT COLEMAN STOVES?" 8161% 8162A new koan: 8163 If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you. 8164 If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you. 8165It is an ice cream koan. 8166% 8167A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary. 8168Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a `round tuit' 8169now has no excuse for further procrastination. 8170% 8171A new taste had been acquired and a new appetite began to grow. The time 8172had long since arrived to crush the technical intelligentsia, which had 8173come to regard itself as too irreplaceable and had not gotten used to 8174catching instructions on the wing. In other words, we never did trust 8175the engineers - and from the very first years of the Revolution we saw to 8176it that those lackeys and servants of former capitalist bosses were kept 8177in line by healthy suspicion and surveillance by the workers. 8178 -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago" 8179% 8180A New Way of Taking Pills 8181 A physician one night in Wisconsin being disturbed by a burglar, and 8182having no ball or shot for his pistol, noiselessly loaded the weapon with 8183small, hard pills, and gave the intruder a "prescription" which he thinks 8184will go far towards curing the rascal of a very bad ailment. 8185 -- Nevada Morning Transcript, January 30, 1861 8186% 8187A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the 8188rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion. 8189% 8190A New Yorker is riding down the road in his new Mercedes. So intent is he 8191on the cocaine in his hand he completely misses a turn and his car plunges 8192over the five-hundred-foot cliff to be smashed into pieces at the bottom. 8193As the on-lookers rush to the edge of the cliff they see him fifty feet 8194from the top of the cliff clinging to a stunted bush with all his strength. 8195"Dear Lord," he prays, "I never asked you for nothin' before, but I'm askin' 8196you now: Save me, Lord, save me." 8197 Booms the Lord: "LET GO OF THE BRANCH." 8198 "But Lord, if I do that, I'll fall!" 8199 "TRUST ME, LET GO OF THE BRANCH." 8200 "But Lord, I'm gonna fall and die..." 8201 "TRUST ME TO SAVE YOU. LET GO OF THE BRANCH." 8202 Okay, Lord, I'll trust you, here I... here I go!" And he falls 8203to his death. 8204 "DUMB YANKEE." 8205% 8206A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd gathered 8207by the side of the street. Curiosity got the better of him and he leaned 8208out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on. The fellow explained 8209that a protestor against the U.S. position in South America had doused 8210himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. "That's terrible," gasped 8211the man. "But why is everyone still standing around?" 8212 "Well, they're taking up a collection for his wife and kids," the 8213onlooker explained. "Would you be willing to help?" 8214 "Well, sure," replied the New Yorker. "I suppose I could spare a 8215gallon or two." 8216% 8217A newspaper is a circulating library with high blood pressure. 8218 -- Arthure "Bugs" Baer 8219% 8220A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. 8221 -- Yogi Berra 8222% 8223A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a 8224"Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble. 8225 -- Mahatma Gandhi 8226% 8227A novice of the temple once approached the Chief Priest with a question. 8228 8229"Master, does Emacs have the Buddha nature?" the novice asked. 8230 8231The Chief Priest had been in the temple for many years and could be 8232relied upon to know these things. He thought for several minutes 8233before replying. 8234 8235"I don't see why not. It's got bloody well everything else." 8236 8237With that, the Chief Priest went to lunch. The novice suddenly achieved 8238enlightenment, several years later. 8239 8240Commentary: 8241 8242His Master is kind, 8243Answering his FAQ quickly, 8244With thought and sarcasm. 8245% 8246A nuclear war can ruin your whole day. 8247% 8248A pain in the ass of major dimensions. 8249 -- C. A. Desoer, on the solution of non-linear circuits 8250% 8251A Parable of Modern Research: 8252 8253 Bob has lost his keys in a room which is dark except for one 8254brightly lit corner. 8255 "Why are you looking under the light, you lost them in the dark!" 8256 "I can only see here." 8257% 8258A paranoid is a man who knows a little of what's going on. 8259 -- William S. Burroughs 8260% 8261A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants. 8262% 8263A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space. 8264 -- Gloria Steinem 8265% 8266A pencil with no point needs no eraser. 8267% 8268A penny saved has not been spent. 8269% 8270A penny saved is a penny taxed. 8271% 8272A penny saved is ridiculous. 8273% 8274A penny saved kills your career in government. 8275% 8276A people living under the perpetual menace of war and invasion is very easy to 8277govern. It demands no social reforms. It does not haggle over expenditures 8278on armaments and military equipment. It pays without discussion, it ruins 8279itself, and that is an excellent thing for the syndicates of financiers and 8280manufacturers for whom patriotic terrors are an abundant source of gain. 8281 -- Anatole France 8282% 8283A perfectly honest woman, a woman who never flatters, who never manages, 8284who never cajoles, who never conceals, who never uses her eyes, who never 8285speculates on the effect which she produces, who never is conscious of 8286unspoken admiration, what a monster, I say, would such a female be! 8287 -- Thackeray 8288% 8289A person forgives only when they are in the wrong. 8290% 8291A person is just about as big as the things that make him angry. 8292% 8293A person who has nothing looks at all there is and wants something. 8294A person who has something looks at all there is and wants all the rest. 8295% 8296A person who is more than casually interested in computers should be well 8297schooled in machine language, since it is a fundamental part of a computer. 8298 -- Donald E. Knuth 8299% 8300A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist. 8301 -- Elbert Hubbard 8302% 8303A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms. 8304 -- George Wald 8305% 8306A pickup with three guys in it pulls into the lumber yard. One of the men 8307gets out and goes into the office. 8308 "I need some four-by-two's," he says. 8309 "You must mean two-by-four's" replies the clerk. 8310 The man scratches his head. "Wait a minute," he says, "I'll go 8311check." 8312 Back, after an animated conversation with the other occupants of the 8313truck, he reassures the clerk, that, yes, in fact, two-by-fours would be 8314acceptable. 8315 "OK," says the clerk, writing it down, "how long you want 'em?" 8316 The guy gets the blank look again. "Uh... I guess I better go 8317check," he says. 8318 He goes back out to the truck, and there's another animated 8319conversation. The guy comes back into the office. "A long time," he says, 8320"we're building a house". 8321% 8322A pig is a jolly companion, 8323Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt -- 8324A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale, 8325Though mountains may topple and tilt. 8326When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you, 8327When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig, 8328Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover, 8329You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig, 8330You'll never go wrong with a pig! 8331 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" 8332% 8333A pipe gives a wise man time to think 8334and a fool something to stick in his mouth. 8335% 8336A place for everything and everything in its place. 8337 -- Isabella Mary Beeton, "The Book of Household Management" 8338 8339 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 8340 referring to memory management system services.] 8341% 8342A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it. 8343 -- Stanley Baldwin 8344% 8345A plethora of individuals with expertise in culinary techniques 8346contaminate the potable concoction produced by steeping certain 8347edible nutriments. 8348% 8349A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs. 8350% 8351A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits. 8352% 8353A Polish worker walks into a bank to deposit his paycheck. He has heard 8354about Poland's economic problems, and he asks what would happen to his 8355money if the bank collapsed. "All of our deposits are guaranteed by the 8356finance ministry, sir," the teller replies. 8357 "But what if the finance ministry goes broke?" the worker asks. 8358 "Then the government will intercede to protect the working class," 8359the teller says. 8360 "But what if the government goes broke?" the worker asks. 8361 "Our socialist comrades in the Soviet Union naturally will come 8362to our assistance," the teller responds with growing irritation. 8363 "And if the Soviet Union goes broke?" the worker asks. 8364 "Idiot!" the teller snorts. "Isn't that worth losing one lousy 8365paycheck?" 8366 -- Making the rounds in Warsaw, 1984 8367% 8368A political man can have as his aim the realization of freedom, 8369but he has no means to realize it other than through violence. 8370 -- Jean-Paul Sartre 8371% 8372A possum must be himself, and being himself he is honest. 8373 -- Walt Kelly 8374% 8375A pound of salt will not sweeten a single cup of tea. 8376% 8377A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil! 8378 -- The Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Sumatra" 8379% 8380A "practical joker" deserves applause for his wit according to its quality. 8381Bastinado is about right. For exceptional wit one might grant keelhauling. 8382But staking him out on an anthill should be reserved for the very wittiest. 8383 -- Lazarus Long 8384% 8385A prediction is worth twenty explanations. 8386 -- K. Brecher 8387% 8388A pretty foot is one of the greatest gifts of nature... please send me your 8389last pair of shoes, already worn out in dancing... so I can have something 8390of yours to press against my heart. 8391 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 8392% 8393A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything. 8394% 8395A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the devil. 8396Replied Voltaire, "This is no time to make new enemies." 8397% 8398A priest asked: What is Fate, Master? 8399 8400And the Master answered: 8401 It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence. 8402 It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs. 8403 It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City to 8404City upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns have come 8405to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness. 8406 8407 And that is Fate? said the priest. 8408 8409 Fate ... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master. 8410 8411 That's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know 8412what Freight was too. 8413 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 8414% 8415A prig is a fellow who is always making you a present of his opinions. 8416 -- George Eliot 8417% 8418A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then 8419asks you not to kill him. 8420 -- Sir Winston Churchill, 1952 8421% 8422A private sin is not so prejudicial in the world as a public indecency. 8423 -- Miguel de Cervantes 8424% 8425A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. 8426% 8427A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of 8428being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite series of 8429incomprehensible answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague 8430assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive documents 8431and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of 8432dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of 8433annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was 8434unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place. 8435 -- IEEE Grid newsmagazine 8436% 8437A programming language is low level 8438when its programs require attention to the irrelevant. 8439% 8440A prohibitionist is the sort of man one wouldn't care to 8441drink with -- even if he drank. 8442 -- H. L. Mencken 8443% 8444A prominent broadcaster, on a big-game safari in Africa, was taken to a 8445watering hole where the life of the jungle could be observed. As he 8446looked down from his tree platform and described the scene into his 8447tape recorder, he saw two gnus grazing peacefully. So preoccupied were 8448they that they failed to observe the approach of a pride of lions led 8449by two magnificent specimens, obviously the leaders. The lions charged, 8450killed the gnus, and dragged them into the bushes where their feasting 8451could not be seen. A little while later the two kings of the jungle 8452emerged and the radioman recorded on his tape: "Well, that's the end of 8453the gnus and here, once again, are the head lions." 8454% 8455A promiscuous person is usually someone who is 8456getting more sex than you are. 8457 -- Victor Lownes 8458% 8459A proper wife should be as obedient as a slave... The female is a female 8460by virtue of a certain lack of qualities -- a natural defectiveness. 8461 -- Aristotle 8462% 8463A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions 8464your wife asks you for nothing. 8465 -- Joey Adams 8466% 8467A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that 8468your wife will give you for free. 8469% 8470A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be 8471too heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which 8472was intended for her preservation. 8473 -- Colton 8474% 8475A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as 8476"you could blow it in" may be blown in. This rule does not apply if 8477the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants 8478to make a travesty of the game. 8479 -- Donald A. Metz 8480% 8481A rabbi and a priest are sitting together on a train, and the rabbi leans 8482over and asks, "So, how high can you advance in your organization?" 8483 The priest replies, "Well, if I am lucky, I guess I could become a 8484Bishop." 8485 "Well, could you get any higher than that?" 8486 "I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I 8487might be made an Archbishop." 8488 "Is there any way that you might go higher than that?" 8489 "If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal." 8490 "Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?" 8491 Hesitating a little bit, the priest said, "I suppose that I could 8492be elected Pope, but only if it's God's will." 8493 "And could you be anything higher than that, is there any way to go 8494up from being the Pope?" 8495 "What?! I should be the Messiah himself?!" 8496 The rabbi leaned back and smiled. "One of our boys made it." 8497% 8498A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results 8499blacked out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon. 8500 -- Steel City News 8501% 8502A racially integrated community is a chronological term timed from the 8503entrance of the first black family to the exit of the last white family. 8504 -- Saul Alinsky 8505% 8506A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives. 8507% 8508A real diplomat is one who can cut his neighbor's throat without having 8509his neighbor notice it. 8510 -- Trygve Lie 8511% 8512A real estate agent, looking over a farmer's house for possible sale, 8513commented to the farmer how sturdy the house looked. 8514 The farmer replied, "Yep, built it with my bare hands... did it 8515the hard way. The steps to the front door, here, carved 'em out of 8516field stones... did it the hard way. That hardwood floor in the living 8517room, dovetailed the pieces myself... did it the hard way. The ceiling 8518beams, made 'em out of my own oak trees... did it the hard way." 8519 Just then, the farmer's gorgeous daughter walked in. The farmer 8520looks over at the real estate agent who is trying not to stare too 8521obviously and smiles. "Yep... standing up in a canoe." 8522% 8523A real friend isn't someone you use once and then throw away. 8524A real friend is someone you can use over and over again. 8525% 8526A real gentleman never takes bases unless he really has to. 8527 -- Overheard in an algebra lecture 8528% 8529A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking 8530ticket and rejoices that the system works. 8531% 8532A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen 8533objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer 8534scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added concentration 8535needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three dimensional objects. 8536% 8537A regular expression goes into a pub with a friend, intending to 8538help him find a girl. However, when the cockney barman finds this 8539out, he says to it, "Ere! I'll have no pattern match-making in my 8540pub!" 8541% 8542A rich man told me recently that a liberal is a man who tells other 8543people what to do with their money. 8544 -- Imamu Amiri Baraka (Leroi Jones) 8545% 8546A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you. 8547 -- Ramsey Clark 8548% 8549A Riverside, California, health ordinance states that two persons may 8550not kiss each other without first wiping their lips with carbolized 8551rosewater. 8552% 8553A robin redbreast in a cage 8554Puts all Heaven in a rage. 8555 -- Blake 8556% 8557A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man 8558contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral. 8559 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery 8560% 8561A rolling disk gathers no MOS. 8562% 8563A rolling stone gathers momentum. 8564% 8565A rolling stone gathers no moss. 8566 -- Publilius Syrus 8567% 8568A Roman divorced from his wife, being highly blamed by his friends, who 8569demanded, "Was she not chaste? Was she not fair? Was she not fruitful?" 8570holding out his shoe, asked them whether it was not new and well made. 8571Yet, added he, none of you can tell where it pinches me. 8572 -- Plutarch 8573% 8574A rope lying over the top of a fence is the same length on each side. It 8575weighs one third of a pound per foot. On one end hangs a monkey holding a 8576banana, and on the other end a weight equal to the weight of the monkey. 8577The banana weighs two ounces per inch. The rope is as long (in feet) as 8578the age of the monkey (in years), and the weight of the monkey (in ounces) 8579is the same as the age of the monkey's mother. The combined age of the 8580monkey and its mother is thirty years. One half of the weight of the monkey, 8581plus the weight of the banana, is one forth as much as the weight of the 8582weight and the weight of the rope. The monkey's mother is half as old as 8583the monkey will be when it is three times as old as its mother was when she 8584was half as old as the monkey will be when it is as old as its mother 8585will be when she is four times as old as the monkey was when it was twice 8586as its mother was when she was one third as old as the monkey was when it 8587was old as is mother was when she was three times as old as the monkey was 8588when it was one fourth as old as it is now. How long is the banana? 8589% 8590A rose is a rose is a rose. Just ask Jean Marsh, known to millions of 8591PBS viewers in the '70s as Rose, the maid on the BBC export "Upstairs, 8592Downstairs." Though Marsh has since gone on to other projects, ... it's 8593with Rose she's forever identified. So much so that she even likes to 8594joke about having one named after her, a distinction not without its 8595drawbacks. "I was very flattered when I heard about it, but when I looked 8596up the official description, it said, `Jean Marsh: pale peach, not very 8597good in beds; better up against a wall.' I want to tell you that's not 8598true. I'm very good in beds as well." 8599% 8600A sad spectacle. If they be inhabited, what a scope for misery and folly. 8601If they be not inhabited, what a waste of space. 8602 -- Thomas Carlyle, looking at the stars 8603% 8604A sadist is a masochist who follows the Golden Rule. 8605% 8606A salamander scurries into flame to be destroyed. 8607Imaginary creatures are trapped in birth on celluloid. 8608 -- Genesis, "The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway" 8609 8610I don't know what it's about. I'm just the drummer. Ask Peter. 8611 -- Phil Collins in 1975, when asked about the message behind 8612 the previous year's Genesis release, "The Lamb Lies Down 8613 on Broadway". 8614% 8615A Scholar asked his Master, "Master, would you advise me of a proper 8616vocation?" 8617 The Master replied, "Some men can earn their keep with the power of 8618their minds. Others must use their strong backs, legs and hands. This is 8619the same in nature as it is with man. Some animals acquire their food easily, 8620such as rabbits, hogs and goats. Other animals must fiercely struggle for 8621their sustenance, like beavers, moles and ants. So you see, the nature of 8622the vocation must fit the individual. 8623 "But I have no abilities, desires, or imagination, Master," the 8624scholar sobbed. 8625 Queried the Master... "Have you thought of becoming a salesperson?" 8626% 8627A scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and 8628making them see the light, but rather because its opponents eventually 8629die and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it. 8630 -- Max Planck 8631% 8632A sect or party is an elegant incognito devised to save a man from 8633the vexation of thinking. 8634 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Journals" (1831) 8635% 8636A sense of desolation and uncertainty, of futility, of the baselessness 8637of aspirations, of the vanity of endeavor, and a thirst for a life giving 8638water which seems suddenly to have failed, are the signs in consciousness 8639of this necessary reorganization of our lives. 8640 8641It is difficult to believe that this state of mind can be produced by the 8642recognition of such facts as that unsupported stones always fall to the 8643ground. 8644 -- J. W. N. Sullivan 8645% 8646A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will keep 8647him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those that are 8648worth committing. 8649 -- Samuel Butler 8650% 8651A sequel is an admission that you've been reduced to imitating yourself. 8652 -- Don Marquis 8653% 8654A Severe Strain on the Credulity 8655 As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the 8656highest parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket 8657is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one considers the 8658multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one begins to doubt... 8659for after the rocket quits our air and really starts on its journey, its 8660flight would be neither accelerated nor maintained by the explosion of the 8661charges it then might have left. Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in 8662Clark College and countenancing of the Smithsonian Institution, does not 8663know the relation of action to re-action, and of the need to have something 8664better than a vacuum against which to react... Of course he only seems to 8665lack the knowledge ladled out daily in high schools. 8666 -- New York Times Editorial, 1920 8667% 8668A sharper perspective on this matter is particularly important to feminist 8669thought today, because a major tendency in feminism has constructed the 8670problem of domination as a drama of female vulnerability victimized by male 8671aggression. Even the more sophisticated feminist thinkers frequently shy 8672away from the analysis of submission, for fear that in admitting woman's 8673participation in the relationship of domination, the onus of responsibility 8674will appear to shift from men to women, and the moral victory from women to 8675men. More generally, this has been a weakness of radical politics: to 8676idealize the oppressed, as if their politics and culture were untouched by 8677the system of domination, as if people did not participate in their own 8678submission. To reduce domination to a simple relation of doer and done-to 8679is to substitute moral outrage for analysis. 8680 -- Jessica Benjamin, "The Bonds of Love" 8681% 8682A sine curve goes off to infinity, or at least the end of the blackboard. 8683 -- Prof. Steiner 8684% 8685A single flow'r he sent me, since we met. 8686All tenderly his messenger he chose; 8687Deep-hearted, pure, with scented dew still wet-- 8688One perfect rose. 8689 8690I knew the language of the floweret; 8691"My fragile leaves," it said, "his heart enclose." 8692Love long has taken for his amulet 8693One perfect rose. 8694 8695Why is it no one ever sent me yet 8696One perfect limousine, do you suppose? 8697Ah no, it's always just my luck to get 8698One perfect rose. 8699 -- Dorothy Parker, "One Perfect Rose" 8700% 8701A sinking ship gathers no moss. 8702 -- Donald Kaul 8703% 8704A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two. 8705% 8706A Smith & Wesson beats four aces. 8707% 8708A snake lurks in the grass. 8709 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) 8710% 8711A social scientist, studying the culture and traditions of a small North 8712African tribe, found a woman still practicing the ancient art of matchmaking. 8713Locally, she was known as the Moor, the marrier. 8714% 8715A society in which women are taught anything but the management of a family, 8716the care of men, and the creation of the future generation is a society 8717which is on its way out. 8718 -- L. Ron Hubbard 8719% 8720A soft answer turneth away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger. 8721 -- Proverbs 15:1 8722% 8723A soft drink turneth away company. 8724% 8725A song in time is worth a dime. 8726% 8727A Southern boy graduates from high school heads north to college, taking the 8728family dog, Old Blue with him, for company. He's only been there a few weeks 8729when he gets a call from his girlfriend; seems like they've got a problem, 8730and she needs a thousand dollars to take care of it. The boy calls his folks: 8731 "How are you?" they ask. 8732 "Oh, I'm fine," he says. 8733 "And how," they ask, "is Old Blue?" 8734 "Well, he's kind of depressed. You see, there's this lady up here 8735that teaches dogs to talk, and Ol' Blue is feelin' kind of left out 'cause 8736he's the only dog that doesn't know how to talk. She charges a thousand 8737dollars." 8738 The parents send the boy the thousand dollars, he forwards it to Mary 8739Lou, and everything's fine until Christmas vacation. The boy leaves Ol' Blue 8740at his dorm, 'cause he just can't figure out what to tell his parents. Sure 8741enough, when he gets home, the first thing his father wants to know is 8742"Where's Old Blue?" 8743 "Well, Pa," says the boy. "I was driving on home and Old Blue was 8744talking away about this and that when we passed the Buford's farm. Old Blue, 8745well, he said, `Say, what do you think your mother would do if I told her 8746that your father's been comin' over here and seeing Mrs. Buford all these 8747years?'" 8748 The father looks at his son -- "You shot that dog, didn't you, boy?" 8749% 8750A squeegee by any other name wouldn't sound as funny. 8751% 8752A statesman is a politician who's been dead 10 or 15 years. 8753 -- Harry S. Truman 8754% 8755A statistician, who refused to fly after reading of the alarmingly high 8756probability that there will be a bomb on any given plane, realized that 8757the probability of there being two bombs on any given flight is very low. 8758Now, whenever he flies, he carries a bomb with him. 8759% 8760A stitch in time saves nine. 8761% 8762A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows. 8763 -- O'Henry 8764% 8765A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many 8766bad measures. 8767 -- Daniel Webster 8768% 8769A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to Greenblatt. 8770As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by. "Is it true", asked the 8771student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as Lisp?" Almost before 8772the student had finished his question, Greenblatt shouted, "FOO!", and hit 8773the student with a stick. 8774% 8775A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam. 8776% 8777A stunning blonde, but probably all bean dip above the eyebrows. 8778% 8779A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something 8780undreamed of by its author. 8781 -- S. C. Johnson 8782% 8783A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first 8784thought of. 8785 -- Burt Bacharach 8786% 8787A system admin's life is a sorry one. The only advantage he has over 8788Emergency Room doctors is that malpractice suits are rare. On the 8789other hand, ER doctors never have to deal with patients installing 8790new versions of their own innards! 8791 -- Michael O'Brien 8792% 8793A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm) 8794 -- by Charles Dickens 8795 8796 A lawyer who looks like a French Nobleman is executed in his place. 8797 8798The Metamorphosis LITE(tm) 8799 -- by Franz Kafka 8800 8801 A man turns into a bug and his family gets annoyed. 8802 8803Lord of the Rings LITE(tm) 8804 -- by J. R. R. Tolkien 8805 8806 Some guys take a long vacation to throw a ring into a volcano. 8807 8808Hamlet LITE(tm) 8809 -- by William Shakespeare 8810 8811 A college student on vacation with family problems, a screwy 8812 girl-friend and a mother who won't act her age. 8813% 8814A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm) 8815 -- by Charles Dickens 8816 8817 A man in love with a girl who loves another man who looks just 8818 like him has his head chopped off in France because of a mean 8819 lady who knits. 8820 8821Crime and Punishment LITE(tm) 8822 -- by Fyodor Dostoyevsky 8823 8824 A man sends a nasty letter to a pawnbroker, but later 8825 feels guilty and apologizes. 8826 8827The Odyssey LITE(tm) 8828 -- by Homer 8829 8830 After working late, a valiant warrior gets lost on his way home. 8831% 8832A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you. 8833% 8834A tautology is a thing which is tautological. 8835% 8836A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say. 8837 -- Michael Winner, British film director 8838% 8839A Texan, impressing the hell out of a Bostonian with tales about the heroes 8840of the Alamo, commented, "I'll bet you never had anyone that brave around 8841*Boston*." 8842 "Ever hear of Paul Revere?", snarled the Bostonian. 8843 "Paul Revere?", pondered the Texan. "Isn't he the guy who ran for 8844help?" 8845% 8846A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it. 8847 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Portrait of Mr. W. H." 8848% 8849A timely marriage: one made before your children start nagging you about it. 8850 -- Diane Duane 8851% 8852A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, 8853and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others. 8854 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8855% 8856A transistor protected by a fast-acting 8857fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first. 8858% 8859A traveling salesman was driving past a farm when he saw a pig with three 8860wooden legs executing a magnificent series of backflips and cartwheels. 8861Intrigued, he drove up to the farmhouse, where he found an old farmer 8862sitting in the yard watching the pig. 8863 "That's quite a pig you have there, sir" said the salesman. 8864 "Sure is, son," the farmer replied. "Why, two years ago, my daughter 8865was swimming in the lake and bumped her head and damned near drowned, but that 8866pig swam out and dragged her back to shore." 8867 "Amazing!" the salesman exclaimed. 8868 "And that's not the only thing. Last fall I was cuttin' wood up on 8869the north forty when a tree fell on me. Pinned me to the ground, it did. 8870That pig run up and wiggled underneath that tree and lifted it off of me. 8871Saved my life." 8872 "Fantastic! the salesman said. But tell me, how come the pig has 8873three wooden legs?" 8874 The farmer stared at the newcomer in amazement. "Mister, when you 8875got an amazin' pig like that, you don't eat him all at once." 8876% 8877A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene 8878triangle. 8879% 8880A true artist will let his wife starve, his children go barefoot, his mother 8881drudge for his living at seventy, sooner than work at anything but his art. 8882 -- Shaw 8883% 8884A truly great man will neither trample on a worm nor sneak to an emperor. 8885 -- Benjamin Franklin 8886% 8887A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. 8888% 8889A truly wise woman never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. 8890% 8891A truth that's told with bad intent 8892Beats all the lies you can invent. 8893 -- William Blake 8894% 8895A university is what a college becomes 8896when the faculty loses interest in students. 8897 -- John Ciardi 8898% 8899A University without students is like an ointment without a fly. 8900 -- Ed Nather, professor of astronomy at UT Austin 8901% 8902A UNIX saleslady, Lenore, 8903Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more. 8904 She found a good way 8905 To combine work and play: 8906She sells C shells by the seashore. 8907% 8908A vacuum is a hell of a lot better 8909than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with. 8910 -- Tennessee Williams 8911% 8912A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. 8913 -- Samuel Goldwyn 8914% 8915A violent man will die a violent death. 8916 -- Lao Tsu 8917% 8918A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work. 8919% 8920A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work. 8921% 8922A vivid and creative mind characterizes you. 8923% 8924A waist is a terrible thing to mind. 8925 -- Ziggy 8926% 8927A watched clock never boils. 8928% 8929A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without 8930getting nervous. 8931% 8932A well-known friend is a treasure. 8933% 8934A well-used door needs no oil on its hinges. 8935A swift-flowing stream does not grow stagnant. 8936Neither sound nor thoughts can travel through a vacuum. 8937Software rots if not used. 8938 8939These are great mysteries. 8940 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 8941% 8942A widow is more sought after than an old maid of the same age. 8943 -- Addison 8944% 8945A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there 8946*for the rest of your life*. 8947 -- Jim Samuels 8948% 8949A wise man can see more from a mountain top 8950than a fool can from the bottom of a well. 8951% 8952A wise man can see more from the bottom 8953of a well than a fool can from a mountain top. 8954% 8955A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion. 8956 -- Chinese proverb 8957% 8958A witty saying proves nothing. 8959 -- Voltaire 8960% 8961A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets 8962people's attention. 8963% 8964A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to 8965admit, let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact 8966remains that there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one 8967reason or another, completely immune to any direct magical spell. It 8968is for this group of beings that the magician learns the subtleties of 8969using indirect spells. It also does no harm, in dealing with these 8970matters, to carry a large club near your person at all times. 8971 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII 8972% 8973A woman can look both moral and exciting -- if she also looks as if it 8974were quite a struggle. 8975 -- Edna Ferber 8976% 8977A woman can never be too rich or too thin. 8978% 8979A woman did what a woman had to, the best way she knew how. 8980To do more was impossible, to do less, unthinkable. 8981 -- Dirisha, "The Man Who Never Missed" 8982% 8983A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed. 8984 -- Scott 8985% 8986A woman, especially if she have the misfortune 8987of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can. 8988 -- Jane Austen 8989% 8990A woman forgives the audacity of which 8991her beauty has prompted us to be guilty. 8992 -- LeSage 8993% 8994A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be 8995thankful for a good one. 8996 -- Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings 8997% 8998A woman is like your shadow; follow her, she flies; fly from her, 8999she follows. 9000 -- Chamfort 9001% 9002A woman is like your shadow; follow her, 9003she flies; fly from her, she follows. 9004 -- Chamfort 9005% 9006A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure, 9007it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy. 9008 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 9009% 9010A woman of generous character will sacrifice her life a thousand times 9011over for her lover, but will break with him for ever over a question of 9012pride -- for the opening or the shutting of a door. 9013 -- Stendhal 9014% 9015A woman physician has made the statement that smoking is neither 9016physically defective nor morally degrading, and that nicotine, even 9017when indulged to in excess, is less harmful than excessive petting." 9018 -- Purdue Exponent, Jan 16, 1925 9019% 9020A woman shouldn't have to buy her own perfume. 9021 -- Maurine Lewis 9022% 9023A woman went into a hospital one day to give birth. Afterwards, the doctor 9024came to her and said, "I have some... odd news for you." 9025 "Is my baby all right?" the woman anxiously asked. 9026 "Yes, he is," the doctor replied, "but we don't know how. Your son 9027(we assume) was born with no body. He only has a head." 9028 Well, the doctor was correct. The Head was alive and well, though no 9029one knew how. The Head turned out to be fairly normal, ignoring his lack of 9030a body, and lived for some time as typical a life as could be expected under 9031the circumstances. 9032 One day, about twenty years after the fateful birth, the woman got a 9033phone call from another doctor. The doctor said, "I have recently perfected 9034an operation. Your son can live a normal life now: we can graft a body onto 9035his head!" 9036 The woman, practically weeping with joy, thanked the doctor and hung 9037up. She ran up the stairs saying, "Johnny, Johnny, I have a *wonderful* 9038surprise for you!" 9039 "Oh no," cried The Head, "not another HAT!" 9040% 9041A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. 9042 -- Gloria Steinem 9043% 9044A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. 9045Therefore, a man without a woman is like a bicycle without a fish. 9046% 9047A woman's best protection is a little money of her own. 9048 -- Clare Booth Luce, quoted in "The Wit of Women" 9049% 9050A woman's place is in the house... and in the Senate. 9051% 9052A word to the wise is enough. 9053 -- Miguel de Cervantes 9054% 9055A would-be disciple came to Nasrudin's hut on the mountain-side. Knowing 9056that every action of such an enlightened one is significant, the seeker 9057watched the teacher closely. "Why do you blow on your hands?" "To warm 9058myself in the cold." Later, Nasrudin poured bowls of hot soup for himself 9059and the newcomer, and blew on his own. "Why are you doing that, Master?" 9060"To cool the soup." Unable to trust a man who uses the same process 9061to arrive at two different results -- hot and cold -- the disciple departed. 9062% 9063A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call 9064what he writes fiction. 9065 -- William Faulkner 9066% 9067A yawn is a silent shout. 9068 -- G. K. Chesterton 9069% 9070A year spent in Artificial Intelligence is enough to make one believe in God. 9071% 9072A young girl once committed suicide because her mother refused her a new 9073bonnet. Coroner's verdict: "Death from excessive spunk." 9074 -- Sacramento Daily Union, September 13, 1860 9075% 9076A young man and his girlfriend were walking along Main Street when she spotted 9077a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry-store window. "Wow, I'd sure love to 9078have that!" she gushed. 9079 "No problem," her companion replied, throwing a brick through the 9080window and grabbing the ring. 9081 A few blocks later, the woman admired a full-length sable coat. "What 9082I'd give to own that," she said, sighing. 9083 "No problem," he said, throwing a brick through the window and grabbing 9084the coat. 9085 Finally, turning for home, they passed a car dealership. "Boy, I'd do 9086anything for one of those Rolls-Royces," she said. 9087 "Jeez, baby," the guy moaned, "you think I'm made of bricks?" 9088% 9089A young man enters the New York branch of Tiffany's on a Friday evening and 9090walks up to a display case full of pearl necklaces. He turns to a gorgeous 9091woman, who is obviously window shopping, looks her straight in the eye and 9092says, "I can tell by your eyes that you really want that necklace. If you'll 9093allow me, I'd like to buy it for you." 9094 The woman looks him up and down; he's wearing a nice suit and some 9095pretty nice jewelry, but she has trouble believing this story. 9096 "Look, this is some kind of put on, right?" 9097 "No, really. You see, I've got quite a lot of money -- so much that 9098I could never spend it all. I'd really like for you to have it." 9099 The guys whips out his checkbook, writes a check for five figures, 9100calls over a clerk and hands it to him. The clerk peers at the check, looks 9101at the young man, looks at the check again. "Very good, sir. I'm afraid I 9102can't release the necklace immediately, would Monday be all right?" 9103 "That'll be fine, she'll pick it up." the man replies, and walks out 9104of the store with the woman following him in a daze. 9105 The next Monday the man comes back in and walks up to the counter. 9106The same clerk hurries over to him and says, "Sir, I'm sorry to have to tell 9107you this, but your check was returned for insufficient funds." 9108 "I know," the man replies. "I just wanted to thank you for a 9109terrific weekend." 9110% 9111A young man wrote to Mozart and said: 9112 9113Q: "Herr Mozart, I am thinking of writing symphonies. Can you give me any 9114 suggestions as to how to get started?" 9115A: "A symphony is a very complex musical form, perhaps you should begin with 9116 some simple lieder and work your way up to a symphony." 9117Q: "But Herr Mozart, you were writing symphonies when you were 8 years old." 9118A: "But I never asked anybody how." 9119% 9120A.A.A.A.A.: 9121 An organization for drunks who drive. 9122% 9123AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!! 9124You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room! 9125% 9126Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy. 9127% 9128Abbott's Admonitions: 9129 1: If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know. 9130 2: If you don't like the answer, you shouldn't have asked 9131 the question. 9132 -- Charles Abbot, dean, University of Virginia 9133% 9134Aberdeen was so small that when the family with the car went 9135on vacation, the gas station and drive-in theatre had to close. 9136% 9137Abou Ben Adhem (may his tribe increase!) 9138Awoke one night from a deep dream of peace, 9139And saw, within the moonlight in his room, 9140Making it rich, and like a lily in bloom, 9141An angel writing in a book of gold. 9142Exceeding peace had made Ben Adhem bold, 9143And to the presence in the room he said, 9144"What writest thou?" The vision raised its head, 9145And with a look made of all sweet accord, 9146Answered, "The names of those who love the Lord." 9147"And is mine one?" said Abou. "Nay not so," 9148Replied the angel. Abou spoke more low, 9149But cheerly still; and said, "I pray thee then, 9150Write me as one that loves his fellow-men." 9151The angel wrote, and vanished. The next night 9152It came again with a great wakening light, 9153And showed the names whom love of God had blessed, 9154And lo! Ben Adhem's name led all the rest. 9155 -- James Henry Leigh Hunt, "Abou Ben Adhem" 9156% 9157About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard. 9158% 9159About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog. 9160% 9161About the only thing we have left that actually 9162discriminates in favor of the plain people is the stork. 9163% 9164About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends. 9165 -- Herbert Hoover 9166% 9167About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt 9168ax. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead. 9169 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 9170% 9171Above all else - sky. 9172% 9173Above all things, reverence yourself. 9174% 9175Abraham Lincoln didn't die in vain. He died in Washington, D.C. 9176% 9177Abscond, v.: 9178 To be unexpectedly called away to the bedside of a dying relative 9179 and miss the return train. 9180% 9181Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases 9182great ones, as the wind blows out candles and fans fires. 9183 -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld 9184% 9185Absence in love is like water upon fire; 9186a little quickens, but much extinguishes it. 9187 -- Hannah More 9188% 9189Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, 9190it enkindles the great. 9191% 9192Absence makes the heart forget. 9193% 9194Absence makes the heart go wander. 9195% 9196Absence makes the heart grow fonder. 9197 -- Sextus Aurelius 9198% 9199Absence makes the heart grow fonder -- of somebody else. 9200% 9201Absence makes the heart grow frantic. 9202% 9203Absent, adj.: 9204 Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed; 9205slandered. 9206% 9207Absentee, n.: 9208 A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove 9209himself from the sphere of exaction. 9210 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9211% 9212Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it's out of date.) 9213 -- Stafford Beer 9214% 9215Abstainer, n.: 9216 A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a 9217pleasure. 9218 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9219% 9220Abstract: 9221 This study examined the incidence of neckwear tightness among a group 9222of 94 white-collar working men and the effect of a tight business-shirt collar 9223and tie on the visual performance of 22 male subjects. Of the white-collar 9224men measured, 67% were found to be wearing neckwear that was tighter than 9225their neck circumference. The visual discrimination of the 22 subjects was 9226evaluated using a critical flicker frequency (CFF) test. Results of the CFF 9227test indicated that tight neckwear significantly decreased the visual 9228performance of the subjects and that visual performance did not improve 9229immediately when tight neckwear was removed. 9230 -- Langan, L. M. and Watkins, S. M. "Pressure of Menswear on the 9231 Neck in Relation to Visual Performance." Human Factors 29, 9232 #1 (Feb. 1987), pp. 67-71. 9233% 9234Absurdity, n.: 9235 A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own 9236opinion. 9237 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9238% 9239Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, 9240because the stakes are so low. 9241 -- Wallace Sayre 9242% 9243Academicians care, that's who. 9244% 9245ACADEMY: 9246 A modern school where football is taught. 9247INSTITUTE: 9248 An archaic school where football is not taught. 9249% 9250Accent on helpful side of your nature. Drain the moat. 9251% 9252Accept people for what they are -- completely unacceptable. 9253% 9254ACCEPTANCE TESTING: 9255 An unsuccessful attempt to find bugs. 9256% 9257Accident, n.: 9258 A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of 9259body is better. 9260 -- Foolish Dictionary 9261% 9262Accidentally Shot 9263 Colonel Gray, of Petaluma, came near losing his life a few days ago, 9264in a singular manner. A gentleman with whom he was hunting attempted to 9265bring down a dove, but instead of doing so put the load of shot through the 9266Colonel's hat. One shot took effect in his forehead. 9267 -- Sacramento Daily Union, April 20, 1861 9268% 9269Accidents cause History. 9270 9271If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the 9272Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not 9273have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil 9274could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and 9275the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd. 9276 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 9277% 9278According to a recent and unscientific national survey, smiling is something 9279everyone should do at least 6 times a day. In an effort to increase the 9280national average (the US ranks third among the world's superpowers in 9281smiling), Xerox has instructed all personnel to be happy, effervescent, and 9282most importantly, to smile. Xerox employees agree, and even feel strongly 9283that they can not only meet but surpass the national average... except for 9284Tubby Ackerman. But because Tubby does such a fine job of racing around 9285parking lots with a large butterfly net retrieving floating IC chips, Xerox 9286decided to give him a break. If you see Tubby in a parking lot he may have 9287a sheepish grin. This is where the expression, "Service with a slightly 9288sheepish grin" comes from. 9289% 9290According to all the latest reports, 9291there was no truth in any of the earlier reports. 9292% 9293According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest: "No person 9294shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than 9295fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening 9296of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of 9297the returns." 9298% 9299According to convention there is a sweet and a bitter, a hot and a cold, 9300and according to convention, there is an order. In truth, there are atoms 9301and a void. 9302 -- Democritus, 400 B.C. 9303% 9304According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath at least 9305once a year. 9306% 9307According to my best recollection, I don't remember. 9308 -- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo 9309% 9310According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are 9311totally worthless. 9312% 9313According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never 9314dies. 9315% 9316According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to 9317live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came 9318in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much. 9319Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime. 9320 -- David Letterman 9321% 9322Accordion, n.: 9323 A bagpipe with pleats. 9324% 9325Accuracy, n.: 9326 The vice of being right. 9327% 9328Acid -- better living through chemistry. 9329% 9330Acid absorbs 47 times its own weight in excess Reality. 9331% 9332Acquaintance, n.: 9333 A person whom we know well enough to borrow from but not well 9334 enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when the 9335 object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous. 9336 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9337% 9338Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing. 9339% 9340Acting is not very hard. The most important things are to be able to laugh 9341and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. And if I have to laugh, 9342well, I think of my sex life. 9343 -- Glenda Jackson 9344% 9345Actor Real Name 9346 9347Boris Karloff William Henry Pratt 9348Cary Grant Archibald Leach 9349Edward G. Robinson Emmanual Goldenburg 9350Gene Wilder Gerald Silberman 9351John Wayne Marion Morrison 9352Kirk Douglas Issur Danielovitch 9353Richard Burton Richard Jenkins, Jr. 9354Roy Rogers Leonard Slye 9355Woody Allen Allen Stewart Konigsberg 9356% 9357Actor: "I'm a smash hit. Why, yesterday during the last act, I had 9358 everyone glued in their seats!" 9359Oliver Herford: "Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of 9360 it!" 9361% 9362Actor: So what do you do for a living? 9363Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving 9364 dishes for Chinese restaurants. 9365 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 9366% 9367Actors will happen even in the best-regulated families. 9368% 9369Actresses will happen in the best regulated families. 9370 -- Addison Mizner and Oliver Herford, 9371 "The Entirely New Cynic's Calendar", 1905 9372% 9373Actually, my goal is to have a sandwich named after me. 9374% 9375Actually, the probability is 100% that the elevator 9376will be going in the right direction. Proof by induction: 9377 9378N=1. Trivially true, since both you and the elevator 9379 only have one floor to go to. 9380 9381Assume true for N, prove for N+1: 9382 If you are on any of the first N floors, then it is true by the 9383 induction hypothesis. If you are on the N+1st floor, then both you 9384 and the elevator have only one choice, namely down. Therefore, 9385 it is true for all N+1 floors. 9386QED. 9387% 9388Ad astra per aspera. (To the stars by aspiration.) 9389% 9390ADA: 9391 Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in 9392 Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop 9393 an ADA awareness. 9394 -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984 9395% 9396Adde parvum parvo manus acervus erit. 9397[Add little to little and there will be a big pile.] 9398 -- Ovid 9399% 9400Adding features does not necessarily increase 9401functionality -- it just makes the manuals thicker. 9402% 9403Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. 9404 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month" 9405 9406Whenever one person is found adequate to the discharge of a duty by 9407close application thereto, it is worse execute by two persons and 9408scarcely done at all if three or more are employed therein. 9409 -- George Washington (1732-1799) 9410% 9411Adding sound to movies would be like 9412putting lipstick on the Venus de Milo. 9413 -- Mary Pickford, actress, 1925 9414% 9415Adhere to your own act, and congratulate yourself if you have done 9416something strange and extravagant, and broken the monotony of a 9417decorous age. 9418 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 9419% 9420Adler's Distinction: 9421 Language is all that separates us from the lower animals, 9422 and from the bureaucrats. 9423% 9424Admiration, n.: 9425 Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. 9426 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9427% 9428Adolescence, n.: 9429 The stage between puberty and adultery. 9430% 9431Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look 9432like you ... 9433 -- Gilda Radner 9434% 9435Adore, v.: 9436 To venerate expectantly. 9437 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9438% 9439Adult, n.: 9440 One old enough to know better. 9441% 9442Adults die young. 9443% 9444Advancement in position. 9445% 9446Advertisements contain the only 9447truths to be relied on in a newspaper. 9448 -- Thomas Jefferson 9449% 9450Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest 9451way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless. 9452 -- Sinclair Lewis 9453% 9454Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket. 9455 -- George Orwell 9456% 9457Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human 9458intelligence long enough to get money from it. 9459% 9460Advertising Rule: 9461 In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince the 9462 reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly, 9463 that it is curable. 9464% 9465Advice from an old carpenter: measure twice, saw once. 9466% 9467Advice is a dangerous gift; be cautious about giving and receiving it. 9468% 9469Advice to young men: Be ascetic, and if you can't be ascetic, 9470then at least be aseptic. 9471% 9472African violet: Such worth is rare 9473Apple blossom: Preference 9474Bachelor's button: Celibacy 9475Bay leaf: I change but in death 9476Camellia: Reflected loveliness 9477Chrysanthemum, red: I love 9478Chrysanthemum, white: Truth 9479Chrysanthemum, other: Slighted love 9480Clover: Be mine 9481Crocus: Abuse not 9482Daffodil: Innocence 9483Forget-me-not: True love 9484Fuchsia: Fast 9485Gardenia: Secret, untold love 9486Honeysuckle: Bonds of love 9487Ivy: Friendship, fidelity, marriage 9488Jasmine: Amiability, transports of joy, sensuality 9489Leaves (dead): Melancholy 9490Lilac: Youthful innocence 9491Lily: Purity, sweetness 9492Lily of the valley: Return of happiness 9493Magnolia: Dignity, perseverance 9494 * An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning. 9495% 9496After 35 years, I have finished a comprehensive study of European 9497comparative law. In Germany, under the law, everything is prohibited, 9498except that which is permitted. In France, under the law, everything 9499is permitted, except that which is prohibited. In the Soviet Union, 9500under the law, everything is prohibited, including that which is 9501permitted. And in Italy, under the law, everything is permitted, 9502especially that which is prohibited. 9503 -- Newton Minow, 1985, 9504 Speech to the Association of American Law Schools 9505% 9506After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out. 9507It was replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life 9508more advanced than the lichen family. 9509 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do" 9510% 9511After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn. 9512% 9513After a while you learn the subtle difference 9514Between holding a hand and chaining a soul, 9515And you learn that love doesn't mean security, 9516And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts 9517And presents aren't promises 9518And you begin to accept your defeats 9519With your head up and your eyes open, 9520With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child, 9521And you learn to build all your roads 9522On today because tomorrow's ground 9523Is too uncertain. And futures have 9524A way of falling down in midflight, 9525After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. 9526So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting 9527For someone to bring you flowers. 9528And you learn that you really can endure... 9529That you really are strong, 9530And you really do have worth 9531And you learn and learn 9532With every goodbye you learn. 9533 -- Veronic Shoffstall, "Comes the Dawn" 9534% 9535After all, all he did was string together 9536a lot of old, well-known quotations. 9537 -- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare 9538% 9539After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done. 9540% 9541After all, it is only the mediocre who are always at their best. 9542 -- Jean Giraudoux 9543% 9544After all my erstwhile dear, 9545My no longer cherished, 9546Need we say it was not love, 9547Just because it perished? 9548 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay 9549% 9550After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not 9551for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have 9552simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. 9553 -- P. J. O'Rourke 9554% 9555After an instrument has been assembled, 9556extra components will be found on the bench. 9557% 9558After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the 9559month than you did before. 9560% 9561After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose 9562names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary 9563Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted 9564many important electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi 9565Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two 9566different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current 9567developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer 9568attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led 9569to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today, 9570skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously 9571injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it 9572hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact 9573that it sinks like a stone. 9574 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 9575% 9576After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages, 9577claiming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life 9578in a wheelchair. Although the insurance-company doctor testified that his 9579bones had healed properly and that he was fully capable of walking, the 9580judge decided for the plaintiff and awarded him $500,000. 9581 When he was wheeled into the insurance office to collect his check, 9582Miller was confronted by several executives. "You're not getting away with 9583this, Miller," one said. "We're going to watch you day and night. If you 9584take a single step, you'll not only repay the damages but stand trial for 9585perjury. Here's the money. What do you intend to do with it?" 9586 "My wife and I are going to travel," Miller replied. "We'll go to 9587Stockholm, Berlin, Rome, Athens and, finally, to a place called Lourdes -- 9588where, gentlemen, you'll see yourselves one hell of a miracle." 9589% 9590After I asked him what he meant, he replied that freedom consisted of 9591the unimpeded right to get rich, to use his ability, no matter what the 9592cost to others, to win advancement. 9593 -- Norman Thomas 9594% 9595After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK? 9596% 9597After living in New York, you trust nobody, 9598but you believe everything. Just in case. 9599% 9600...[after the announcement of Vanguard] ... Secretary of Defense Charles 9601Wilson (the same "Engine Charlie" who once told the Senate, "[F]or years 9602I've thought that what was good for our country was good for General Motors, 9603and vice versa," probably an accurate analysis) was asked whether the 9604Russians might beat the Americans into orbit. "I wouldn't care if they 9605did," he responded. (It was later claimed that Wilson favored the 9606development of the automatic transmission so that he could drive with 9607one foot in his mouth.) 9608 -- Smithsonian's Air&Space Magazine, "The Day the Rocket Died" 9609% 9610After the game the king and the pawn go in the same box. 9611 -- Italian proverb 9612% 9613After the ground war began, captured Iraqi soldiers said any of them caught 9614by superiors wearing a white T-shirt would be executed because of the ease 9615with which the shirts could be used as surrender flags. Some Iraqi soldiers 9616carried bleach with them to make their dark shirts white. 9617 -- Chuck Shepherd, Funny Times, May 1991 9618% 9619After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access 9620cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed. 9621% 9622After this was written there appeared a remarkable posthumous memoir that 9623throws some doubt on Millikan's leading role in these experiments. Harvey 9624Fletcher (1884-1981), who was a graduate student at the University of Chicago, 9625at Millikan's suggestion worked on the measurement of electronic charge for 9626his doctoral thesis, and co-authored some of the early papers on this subject 9627with Millikan. Fletcher left a manuscript with a friend with instructions 9628that it be published after his death; the manuscript was published in 9629Physics Today, June 1982, page 43. In it, Fletcher claims that he was the 9630first to do the experiment with oil drops, was the first to measure charges on 9631single droplets, and may have been the first to suggest the use of oil. 9632According to Fletcher, he had expected to be co-authored with Millikan on 9633the crucial first article announcing the measurement of the electronic 9634charge, but was talked out of this by Millikan. 9635 -- Steven Weinberg, "The Discovery of Subatomic Particles" 9636 9637Robert Millikan is generally credited with making the first really 9638precise measurement of the charge on an electron and was awarded the 9639Nobel Prize in 1923. 9640% 9641After two or three weeks of this madness, you begin to feel As One with 9642the man who said, "No news is good news." In twenty-eight papers, only 9643the rarest kind of luck will turn up more than two or three articles of 9644any interest... but even then the interest items are usually buried 9645deep around paragraph 16 on the jump (or "Cont. on ...") page... 9646 9647The Post will have a story about Muskie making a speech in Iowa. The 9648Star will say the same thing, and the Journal will say nothing at all. 9649But the Times might have enough room on the jump page to include a line 9650or so that says something like: "When he finished his speech, Muskie 9651burst into tears and seized his campaign manager by the side of the 9652neck. They grappled briefly, but the struggle was kicked apart by an 9653oriental woman who seemed to be in control." 9654 9655Now that's good journalism. Totally objective; very active and 9656straight to the point. 9657 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72" 9658% 9659After years of research, scientists recently reported that there is, 9660indeed, arroz in Spanish Harlem. 9661% 9662After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER! 9663% 9664Afternoon, n.: 9665 That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the 9666morning. 9667% 9668Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change. 9669% 9670Against Idleness and Mischief 9671 9672How doth the little busy bee How skillfully she builds her cell! 9673Improve each shining hour, How neat she spreads the wax! 9674And gather honey all the day And labours hard to store it well 9675From every opening flower! With the sweet food she makes. 9676 9677In works of labour or of skill In books, or work, or healthful play, 9678I would be busy too; Let my first years be passed, 9679For Satan finds some mischief still That I may give for every day 9680For idle hands to do. Some good account at last. 9681 -- Isaac Watts (1674-1748) 9682% 9683Against stupidity the very gods Themselves contend in vain. 9684 -- Friedrich von Schiller, "The Maid of Orleans", III, 6 9685% 9686Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill. 9687% 9688Age before beauty; and pearls before swine. 9689 -- Dorothy Parker 9690% 9691Age is a tyrant who forbids, 9692at the penalty of life, all the pleasures of youth. 9693% 9694Age, n.: 9695 That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we 9696 still cherish by reviling those that we no longer have the 9697 enterprise to commit. 9698 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9699% 9700Agnes' Law: 9701 Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of. 9702% 9703Agree with them now, it will save so much time. 9704% 9705Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach, 9706Or what's a heaven for ? 9707 -- Robert Browning, "Andrea del Sarto" 9708% 9709Ah, but the choice of dreams to live, 9710there's the rub. 9711 9712For all dreams are not equal, 9713some exit to nightmare 9714most end with the dreamer 9715 9716But at least one must be lived ... and died. 9717% 9718Ah, my friends, from the prison, they ask unto me, 9719"How good, how good does it feel to be free?" 9720And I answer them most mysteriously: 9721"Are birds free from the chains of the sky-way?" 9722 -- Bob Dylan 9723% 9724Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball. 9725% 9726Ah, sweet Springtime, when a young man lightly turns his fancy over! 9727% 9728Ah, the Tsar's bazaar's bizarre beaux-arts! 9729% 9730"Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the 9731Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact 9732that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately 9733unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep 9734up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers." 9735 -- An analysis of Neo-Nazis, from "The Badger" comic 9736% 9737Ahead warp factor one, Mr. Sulu. 9738% 9739Ahhhhhh... the smell of cuprinol and mahogany. It 9740excites me to... acts of passion... acts of... ineptitude. 9741% 9742Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star. 9743 -- W. Clement Stone 9744% 9745Ain't no right way to do a wrong thing. 9746 -- The Mad Dogtender 9747% 9748Ain't nothin' an old man can do for me but 9749bring me a message from a young man. 9750 -- Moms Mabley 9751% 9752Ain't that something what happened today. One of us got traded to 9753Kansas City. 9754 -- Casey Stengel, informing outfielder Bob Cerv he'd 9755 been traded 9756% 9757Air Force Inertia Axiom: 9758 Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness. 9759% 9760Air is water with holes in it. 9761% 9762Air, n.: 9763 A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for 9764 the fattening of the poor. 9765 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9766% 9767Air pollution is really making us pay through the nose. 9768% 9769Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value. 9770 -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, 9771 Ecole Superieure de Guerre 9772% 9773Al didn't smile for forty years. You've got to admire a man like that. 9774 -- from "Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman" 9775% 9776Alan Turing thought about criteria to settle the question of whether 9777machines can think, a question of which we now know that it is about 9778as relevant as the question of whether submarines can swim. 9779 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 9780% 9781Alas, how love can trifle with itself! 9782 -- William Shakespeare, "The Two Gentlemen of Verona" 9783% 9784Alas, I am dying beyond my means. 9785 -- Oscar Wilde [as he sipped champagne on his deathbed] 9786% 9787ALASKA: 9788 A prelude to "No." 9789% 9790Albert Camus wrote that the only serious question is whether to kill yourself 9791or not. Tom Robbins wrote that the only serious question is whether time has 9792a beginning and an end. Camus clearly got up on the wrong side of bed, and 9793Robbins must have forgotten to set the alarm. 9794 -- Tom Robbins 9795% 9796Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire 9797telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New 9798York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? 9799And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they 9800receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat." 9801% 9802ALBRECHT'S LAW: 9803 Social innovations tend to the level 9804 of minimum tolerable well-being. 9805% 9806Alcohol, hashish, prussic acid, strychnine are weak dilutions. 9807The surest poison is time. 9808 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Society and Solitude" 9809% 9810Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life. 9811 -- George Bernard Shaw 9812% 9813Alden's Laws: 9814 (1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause 9815 of pregnancy. 9816 (2) Always be backlit. 9817 (3) Sit down whenever possible. 9818% 9819Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall, 9820Aleph-null bottles of beer, 9821 You take one down, and pass it around, 9822Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall. 9823% 9824Alex Haley was adopted! 9825% 9826Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting 9827for a dial tone. 9828% 9829Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that was 9830the closest our country has ever been to being even. 9831 -- The Best of Will Rogers 9832% 9833Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about. 9834 -- Philippe Schnoebelen 9835% 9836Algol-60 surely must be regarded as the most 9837important programming language yet developed. 9838 -- T. Cheatham 9839% 9840ALGORITHM: 9841 Trendy dance for hip programmers. 9842% 9843Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth. 9844% 9845Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of 9846them keeps paying for it. 9847 -- Peggy Joyce 9848% 9849Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse. 9850 -- Arthur Baer 9851% 9852Alimony is the curse of the writing classes. 9853 -- Norman Mailer 9854% 9855Alimony is the high cost of leaving. 9856% 9857Aliquid melius quam pessimum optimum non est. 9858% 9859Alive without breath, 9860As cold as death; 9861Never thirsty, ever drinking, 9862All in mail ever clinking. 9863% 9864All a man needs out of life is a place to sit 'n' spit in the fire. 9865% 9866All art is but imitation of nature. 9867 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca 9868% 9869All bad precedents began as justifiable measures. 9870 -- Gaius Julius Caesar, quoted in "The Conspiracy of 9871 Catiline", by Sallust 9872% 9873All bridge hands are equally likely, but some are more equally likely 9874than others. 9875 -- Alan Truscott 9876% 9877All business is based on the mutual trust of one of the parts. 9878 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 9879% 9880All constants are variables. 9881% 9882All diplomacy is a continuation of war by other means. 9883 -- Chou En Lai 9884% 9885All extremists should be taken out and shot. 9886% 9887All Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing 9888without thinking. 9889% 9890All flesh is grass. 9891 -- Isaiah 40:6 9892Smoke a friend today. 9893% 9894All generalizations are false, including this one. 9895 -- Mark Twain 9896% 9897All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, 9898barely presentable. 9899 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" 9900% 9901All Gods were immortal. 9902 -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts" 9903% 9904All great discoveries are made by mistake. 9905 -- Young 9906% 9907All great ideas are controversial, or have been at one time. 9908% 9909All heiresses are beautiful. 9910 -- John Dryden 9911% 9912All his life he has looked away... to the horizon, to the sky, 9913to the future. Never his mind on where he was, on what he was doing. 9914 -- Yoda 9915% 9916All hope abandon, ye who enter here! 9917 -- Dante Alighieri 9918% 9919All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. 9920% 9921All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own 9922importance. 9923% 9924All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard, 9925ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas. 9926 -- Kingfish 9927% 9928All I know is what the words know, and dead things, and that 9929makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and 9930an end, as in the well-built phrase and the long sonata of the dead. 9931 -- Samuel Beckett 9932% 9933All I need to have a good time, 9934Is a reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine. 9935With those three things I don't need no sunshine, 9936A reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine. 9937 9938All I want is to never grow old, 9939I want to wash in a bathtub of gold. 9940I want 97 kilos already rolled, 9941I want to wash in a bathtub of gold. 9942 9943I want to light my cigars with 10 dollar bills, 9944I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills. 9945I want a bottle of Red Eye that's always filled, 9946I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills. 9947 -- Country Joe and the Fish, "Zachariah" 9948% 9949All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power. 9950 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 9951% 9952All intelligent species own cats. 9953% 9954All is fear in love and war. 9955% 9956All is well that ends well. 9957 -- John Heywood 9958% 9959All I've got left on the list of desirable vocations is heiress to the 9960throne of any country in Western Europe and Laurie Anderson. "Be 9961practical", was the choral reply from the dinner table. Well, Laurie 9962Anderson is already Laurie Anderson, but I read an article in Harpers 9963that said there were eleven countries, in the world this is I think, 9964that have queens as sovereign rulers. That's probably my best shot. 9965% 9966All kings is mostly rapscallions. 9967 -- Mark Twain 9968% 9969All laws are simulations of reality. 9970 -- John C. Lilly 9971% 9972All life evolves by the differential survival of replicating entities. 9973 -- Richard Dawkins 9974% 9975All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are 9976Socrates. 9977 -- Woody Allen 9978% 9979All men have the right to wait in line. 9980% 9981All men know the utility of useful things; 9982but they do not know the utility of futility. 9983 -- Chuang Tzu 9984% 9985All men profess honesty as long as they can. 9986To believe all men honest would be folly. 9987To believe none so is something worse. 9988 -- John Quincy Adams 9989% 9990All most men really want in life is a wife, a house, two kids and a car, 9991a cat, no maybe a dog. Ummm, scratch one of the kids and add a dog. 9992Definitely a dog. 9993% 9994All most people ask of life is a constant 9995and exaggerated sense of their own importance. 9996% 9997All most people want is a little more than they'll ever get. 9998% 9999All my friends and I are crazy. 10000That's the only thing that keeps us sane. 10001% 10002All my friends are getting married, 10003Yes, they're all growing old, 10004They're all staying home on the weekend, 10005They're all doing what they're told. 10006% 10007All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific. 10008 -- Jane Wagner 10009% 10010ALL NEW: 10011 Parts not interchangeable with previous model. 10012% 10013All newspaper editorial writers ever do is come down from 10014the hills after the battle is over and shoot the wounded. 10015% 10016All of the animals except man know that 10017the principal business of life is to enjoy it. 10018% 10019All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs 10020synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to 10021rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all 10022of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store." 10023 -- Steven Wright 10024% 10025All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies. 10026 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "The Book of Bokonon" 10027% 10028All of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of a 10029Zen-like detachment, as exemplified by his constant reminder to clerks, 10030tellers, or others who grew excited by his presence in their banks: 10031"Just lie down on the floor and keep calm." 10032 -- Robert Wilson, "John Dillinger Died for You" 10033% 10034All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of 10035the United States. 10036 -- Vic Gold 10037% 10038All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the 10039parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you 10040can't get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do 10041not use a hammer. 10042 -- IBM maintenance manual, 1925 10043% 10044All people are born alike -- except Republicans and Democrats. 10045 -- Groucho Marx 10046% 10047All phone calls are obscene. 10048 -- Karen Elizabeth Gordon 10049% 10050All possibility of understanding is rooted in the ability to say no. 10051 -- Susan Sontag 10052% 10053All power corrupts, but we need electricity. 10054% 10055All programmers are optimists. Perhaps this modern sorcery especially attracts 10056those who believe in happy endings and fairy godmothers. Perhaps the hundreds 10057of nitty frustrations drive away all but those who habitually focus on the end 10058goal. Perhaps it is merely that computers are young, programmers are younger, 10059and the young are always optimists. But however the selection process works, 10060the result is indisputable: "This time it will surely run," or "I just found 10061the last bug." 10062 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month" 10063% 10064All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors. 10065% 10066All progress is based upon a universal innate desire of every organism 10067to live beyond its income. 10068 -- Samuel Butler, "Notebooks" 10069% 10070All science is either physics or stamp collecting. 10071 -- Ernest Rutherford 10072% 10073All seems condemned in the long run 10074to approximate a state akin to Gaussian noise. 10075 -- James Martin 10076% 10077All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands. 10078 -- Saint Patrick 10079% 10080All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism. 10081% 10082All that glitters has a high refractive index. 10083% 10084All that glitters is not gold; all that wander are not lost. 10085% 10086All that is gold does not glitter, 10087Not all those who wander are lost; 10088The old that is strong does not wither, 10089Deep roots are not reached by the frost. 10090From the ashes a fire shall be woken, 10091A light from the shadows shall spring; 10092Renewed shall be blade that was broken, 10093The crownless again shall be king. 10094 -- J. R. R. Tolkien 10095% 10096All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, 10097too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you 10098subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you 10099can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S. 10100Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax 10101decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What 10102if it rains?" 10103 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" 10104% 10105All the evidence concerning the universe 10106has not yet been collected, so there's still hope. 10107% 10108All the lines have been written There's been Sandburg, 10109It's sad but it's true Keats, Poe and McKuen 10110With all the words gone, They all had their day 10111What's a young poet to do? And knew what they're doin' 10112 10113But of all the words written The bird is a strange one, 10114And all the lines read, So small and so tender 10115There's one I like most, Its breed still unknown, 10116And by a bird it was said! Not to mention its gender. 10117 10118It reminds me of days of So what is this line 10119Both gloom and of light. Whose author's unknown 10120It still lifts my spirits And still makes me giggle 10121And starts the day right. Even now that I'm grown? 10122 10123I've read all the greats 10124Both starving and fat, 10125But none was as great as 10126"I tot I taw a puddy tat." 10127 -- Etta Stallings, "An Ode To Childhood" 10128% 10129All the men on my staff can type. 10130 -- Bella Abzug 10131% 10132...all the modern inconveniences... 10133 -- Mark Twain 10134% 10135All the passions make us commit faults; love makes us commit the most 10136ridiculous ones. 10137 -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld 10138% 10139All the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow. 10140 -- Grant Wood 10141% 10142All the simple programs have been written. 10143% 10144All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by 10145the government in less than a second. 10146 -- Jim Fiebig 10147% 10148All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly. 10149% 10150All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately un-rehearsed. 10151 -- Sean O'Casey 10152% 10153All the world's a VAX, 10154And all the coders merely butchers; 10155They have their exits and their entrails; 10156And one int in his time plays many widths, 10157His sizeof being _N bytes. At first the infant, 10158Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms. 10159And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun, 10160And shining morning face, creeping like slug 10161Unwillingly to school. 10162 -- A Very Annoyed PDP-11 10163% 10164All theoretical chemistry is really physics; 10165and all theoretical chemists know it. 10166 -- Richard P. Feynman 10167% 10168All things are possible, except for skiing through a revolving door. 10169% 10170All things being equal, you are bound to lose. 10171% 10172All things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed. 10173 -- William Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" 10174% 10175All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, 10176it's for fun. Money's just the way we keep score. 10177 -- Henry Tyroon 10178% 10179All true wisdom is found on T-shirts. 10180% 10181All warranty and guarantee clauses 10182become null and void upon payment of invoice. 10183% 10184All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers ... Each one owes 10185infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in 10186which he was born. 10187 -- Francois Fenelon 10188% 10189All we know is the phenomenon: we spend our time sending messages to each 10190other, talking and trying to listen at the same time, exchanging information. 10191This seems to be our most urgent biological function; it is what we do with 10192our lives." 10193 -- Lewis Thomas, "The Lives of a Cell" 10194% 10195All who joy would win Must share it -- 10196Happiness was born a twin. 10197 -- Lord Byron 10198% 10199All your files have been destroyed (sorry). Paul. 10200% 10201All [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent 10202upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a 10203visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is 10204informing, stimulating and ennobling. 10205 -- H. L. Mencken 10206% 10207Allen's Axiom: 10208 When all else fails, read the instructions. 10209% 10210Alliance, n.: 10211 In international politics, the union of two thieves who have 10212 their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they 10213 cannot separately plunder a third. 10214 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 10215% 10216All's well that ends. 10217% 10218Almost anything derogatory you could say 10219about today's software design would be accurate. 10220 -- K. E. Iverson 10221% 10222Alone, adj.: 10223 In bad company. 10224 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 10225% 10226Also, the Scots are said to have invented golf. Then they had 10227to invent Scotch whiskey to take away the pain and frustration. 10228% 10229alta, v: To change; make or become different; modify. 10230ansa, v: A spoken or written reply, as to a question. 10231baa, n: A place people meet to have a few drinks. 10232Baaston, n: The capital of Massachusetts. 10233baaba, n: One whose business is to cut or trim hair or beards. 10234beea, n: An alcoholic beverage brewed from malt and hops, often 10235 found in baas. 10236caaa, n: An automobile. 10237centa, n: A point around which something revolves; axis. (Or 10238 someone involved with the Knicks.) 10239chouda, n: A thick seafood soup, often in a milk base. 10240dada, n: Information, esp. information organized for analysis or 10241 computation. 10242 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary 10243% 10244Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight 10245Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. 10246 -- Dave Barry 10247% 10248Although it is still a truism in industry that "no one was ever fired for 10249buying IBM," Bill O'Neil, the chief technology officer at Drexel Burnham 10250Lambert, says he knows for a fact that someone has been fired for just that 10251reason. He knows it because he fired the guy. 10252 "He made a bad decision, and what it came down to was, 'Well, I 10253bought it because I figured it was safe to buy IBM,'" Mr. O'Neil says. 10254"I said, 'No. Wrong. Game over. Next contestant, please.'" 10255 -- The Wall Street Journal, December 6, 1989 10256% 10257Although the moon is smaller than the earth, it is farther away. 10258% 10259Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios, 10260mixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have 10261any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place 10262to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer, 10263Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lighting storm and received a 10264serious electrical shock. This proved that lighting was powered by the 10265same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely 10266that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as "A 10267penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he had to be given a job 10268running the post office. 10269 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 10270% 10271Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been 10272reissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the day-to-day 10273life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable interest to outdoor 10274minded readers, as it contains many passages on pheasant-raising, the 10275apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin, and other chores and duties 10276of the professional gamekeeper. Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade 10277through many pages of extraneous material in order to discover and savour 10278those sidelights on the management of a midland shooting estate, and in this 10279reviewer's opinion the book cannot take the place of J. R. Miller's "Practical 10280Gamekeeping." 10281 -- Ed Zern, "Field and Stream" (Nov. 1959) 10282% 10283Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back. 10284% 10285Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. 10286 -- Mark Twain 10287% 10288Always draw your curves, then plot your reading. 10289% 10290Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out. 10291% 10292Always run from a knife and rush a gun. 10293 -- Jimmy Hoffa 10294% 10295Always store beer in a dark place. 10296% 10297Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits. 10298 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It" 10299% 10300Always there remain portions of our heart 10301into which no one is able to enter, invite them as we may. 10302% 10303Always think of something new; this 10304helps you forget your last rotten idea. 10305 -- Seth Frankel 10306% 10307Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing 10308that way. 10309% 10310Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves. 10311% 10312AMAZING BUT TRUE... 10313 If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to 10314 end across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful. 10315% 10316AMAZING BUT TRUE... 10317 There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it 10318 were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert. 10319% 10320Ambidextrous, adj.: 10321 Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left. 10322 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 10323% 10324AMBIGUITY: 10325 Telling the truth when you don't mean to. 10326% 10327Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. 10328 -- Charlie McCarthy 10329% 10330Ambition, n.: 10331 An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while 10332 living and made ridiculous by friends when dead. 10333 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 10334% 10335America: born free and taxed to death. 10336% 10337America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up. 10338 -- Oscar Wilde 10339% 10340America, how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood? 10341 -- Allen Ginsberg 10342% 10343America is a melting pot. You know, where those on the bottom get burned, 10344and the scum rises to the top. 10345 -- Utah Phillips 10346% 10347America is a stronger nation for the ACLU's uncompromising effort. 10348 -- President John F. Kennedy 10349 10350The simple rights, the civil liberties from generations of struggle must not 10351be just fine words for patriotic holidays, words we subvert on weekdays, but 10352living, honored rules of conduct amongst us...I'm glad the American Civil 10353Liberties Union gets indignant, and I hope this will always be so. 10354 -- Adlai E. Stevenson 10355 10356The ACLU has stood foursquare against the recurring tides of hysteria that 10357from time to time threaten freedoms everywhere... Indeed, it is difficult 10358to appreciate how far our freedoms might have eroded had it not been for the 10359Union's valiant representation in the courts of the constitutional rights 10360of people of all persuasions, no matter how unpopular or even despised 10361by the majority they were at the time. 10362 -- former Supreme Court Chief Justice Earl Warren 10363% 10364America is the country where you buy a lifetime 10365supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks. 10366% 10367America may be unique in being a country which has leapt 10368from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization. 10369 -- John O'Hara 10370% 10371America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, 10372until people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and 10373changed its name to "America". 10374 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 10375% 10376America works less, when you say "Union Yes!" 10377% 10378American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective 10379employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for 10380employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference 10381between the men's room and the women's room without having little 10382pictures on the doors. 10383 -- Dave Barry, "Urine Trouble, Mister" 10384% 10385American by birth; Texan by the grace of God. 10386% 10387American cars are made shoddily... 10388Cars made overseas are far superior. 10389 -- Barry Goldwater 10390% 10391[Americans] are a race of convicts and ought to be thankful for anything 10392we allow them short of hanging. 10393 -- Samuel Johnson 10394 10395America is a large friendly dog in a small room. Every time it wags its 10396tail it knocks over a chair. 10397 -- Arnold Toynbee 10398 10399The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to 10400everybody and still nobody likes him. 10401 -- Jim Samuels 10402% 10403Americans are people who insist on living in the present, tense. 10404% 10405Americans' greatest fear is that America will turn out 10406to have been a phenomenon, not a civilization. 10407 -- Shirley Hazzard, "Transit of Venus" 10408% 10409America's best buy for a quarter is a telephone call to the right person. 10410% 10411Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it. 10412% 10413AMOEBIT: 10414 Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply 10415 and divide at the same time. 10416% 10417Among all savage beasts, none is found so harmful as woman. 10418 -- St. John Chrysostom (304-407) 10419% 10420Among the lucky, you are the chosen one. 10421% 10422An acid is like a woman: a good one will eat through your pants. 10423 -- Mel Gibson, Saturday Night Live 10424% 10425An actor's a guy who if you ain't talkin' about him, ain't listening. 10426 -- Marlon Brando 10427% 10428An Ada exception is when a routine gets 10429in trouble and says "Beam me up, Scotty." 10430% 10431An adequate bootstrap is a contradiction in terms. 10432% 10433An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because 10434people refuse to see it. 10435 -- James Michener, "Space" 10436% 10437An Aggie farmer was lifting his hogs, one by one, up to the branches of 10438his apple trees to graze on the apples. A Texas student walked by and 10439asked him, "Doesn't that take a lot of time?" 10440 Replied the Aggie, "What's time to a hog?" 10441% 10442An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do. 10443 -- Dylan Thomas 10444% 10445An algorithm must be seen to be believed. 10446 -- Donald E. Knuth 10447% 10448An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad 10449to lie and intrigue for the benefit of his country. 10450 -- Sir Henry Wotton (1568-1639) 10451% 10452An amendment to a motion may be amended, but an amendment to an amendment 10453to a motion may not be amended. However, a substitute for an amendment to 10454and amendment to a motion may be adopted and the substitute may be amended. 10455 -- The Montana legislature's contribution to the English 10456 language. 10457% 10458An American is a man with two arms and four wheels. 10459 -- A Chinese child 10460% 10461An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel prize 10462winning physicist, Niels Bohr, in Copenhagen. He was amazed to find that 10463over Bohr's desk was a horseshoe, securely nailed to the wall, with the 10464open end up in the approved manner (so it would catch the good luck and not 10465let it spill out). The American said with a nervous laugh, 10466 "Surely you don't believe the horseshoe will bring you good luck, 10467do you, Professor Bohr? After all, as a scientist --" 10468Bohr chuckled. 10469 "I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am 10470scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told 10471that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not." 10472% 10473An American tourist is visiting Russia, and he's talking with a Russian 10474about the fact that not many people in Russia own cars. 10475 10476American: "I can't believe you don't have cars here! How do you 10477 get to work?" 10478Russian: "We take the bus, or the subway. We have public 10479 transportation everywhere." 10480A: "Well, how do you go on vacations?" 10481R: "We take the train." 10482A: "Well, what if you want to go abroad?" 10483R: "We don't ever want go abroad." 10484A: "Well, what if you really HAVE to go abroad?" 10485R: "We take tanks." 10486% 10487An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize 10488the president but is always polite to traffic cops. 10489% 10490An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to 10491New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but 10492not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax. 10493 -- David Letterman 10494% 10495An aphorism is never exactly true; 10496it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths. 10497 -- Karl Kraus 10498% 10499An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile -- hoping that it will eat 10500him last. 10501 -- Sir Winston Churchill, 1954 10502% 10503An apple a day makes 365 apples a year. 10504% 10505An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away. 10506% 10507An artist should be fit for the best society and keep out of it. 10508% 10509An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support. 10510% 10511An atom-blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways. 10512 -- Isaac Asimov 10513% 10514An attachment a la Plato 10515for a bashful young potato 10516or a, not too French, french bean 10517must excite your languid spleen. 10518For, if you walk down Picadilly 10519with a poppy or lily 10520in your medieval hand, 10521every one will say, 10522as you walk your flowery way; 10523"If this young man is content, 10524with a vegetable love 10525which would certainly not content me. 10526Why, what a very pure young man 10527this pure young man must be!" 10528 -- W. S. Gilbert, "Patience" 10529 [The subject of the humour is of course, Oscar Wilde] 10530% 10531An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree 10532murder. "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuffing his lover's 10533mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border. 10534Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the 10535suitcase. Now, I would like to stress that my client is *not* a 10536murderer. A sloppy packer, maybe..." 10537% 10538An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you 10539really care to know. 10540% 10541An avocado-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume. 10542% 10543An economist is a man who would marry 10544Farrah Fawcett-Majors for her money. 10545% 10546An editor is one who separates the wheat from the chaff and prints the chaff. 10547 -- Adlai E. Stevenson 10548% 10549An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible. 10550% 10551An efficient and a successful administration manifests 10552itself equally in small as in great matters. 10553 -- Winston Churchill 10554% 10555An egghead is one who stands firmly on both feet, 10556in mid-air, on both sides of an issue. 10557 -- Homer Ferguson 10558% 10559An elderly couple were flying to their Caribbean hideaway on a chartered plane 10560when a terrible storm forced them to land on an uninhabited island. When 10561several days passed without rescue, the couple and their pilot sank into a 10562despondent silence. Finally, the woman asked her husband if he had made his 10563usual pledge to the United Way Campaign. 10564 "We're running out of food and water and you ask *that*?" her husband 10565barked. "If you really need to know, I not only pledged a half million but 10566I've already paid them half of it." 10567 "You owe the U.W.C. a *quarter million*?" the woman exclaimed 10568euphorically. "Don't worry, Harry, they'll find us! They'll find us!" 10569% 10570An elephant is a mouse with an operating system. 10571% 10572An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an 10573anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no doubt 10574already heard. After some observations and rough calculations the 10575engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing. A few minutes later 10576the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself happily as he now 10577has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper. This leaves the 10578mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed right away that he 10579was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite rapidly the presence of 10580humour from similar anecdotes, but considers this anecdote to be too 10581trivial a corollary to be significant, let alone funny. 10582% 10583An engineer is someone who does list processing in FORTRAN. 10584% 10585An English judge, growing weary of the barrister's long-winded 10586summation, leaned over the bench and remarked, "I've heard your 10587arguments, Sir Geoffrey, and I'm none the wiser!" Sir Geoffrey 10588responded, "That may be, Milord, but at least you're better informed!" 10589% 10590An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose. 10591 -- A. P. Herbert 10592% 10593An evil mind is a great comfort. 10594% 10595An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch. He 10596wears a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is 10597advertised only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and 10598Rich Protestant Golfer Magazine. The advertisements are written in 10599incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote 10600excellence: 10601 10602"The Rolex Hyperion. An elegant new standard in quality excellence and 10603discriminating handcraftsmanship. For the individual who is truly able 10604to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting 10605things by hand. Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold. No watch 10606parts or anything. Just a great big chunk on your wrist. Truly a 10607timeless statement. For the individual who is very secure. Who 10608doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful. 10609Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high 10610school. Because of his acne. People who are probably nowhere near as 10611successful as he is now. Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and 10612they'll see his Rolex Hyperion. Hahahahahahahahaha." 10613 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 10614% 10615An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future. 10616% 10617...an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and quite often 10618picturesque liar. 10619 -- Mark Twain 10620% 10621An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made, in a 10622very narrow field. 10623 -- Niels Bohr 10624% 10625An expert is a person who avoids the small errors 10626as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy. 10627 -- Benjamin Stolberg 10628% 10629An expert is one who knows more and more about less 10630and less until he knows absolutely nothing about everything. 10631% 10632An eye in a blue face 10633Saw an eye in a green face. 10634"That eye is like this eye" 10635Said the first eye, 10636"But in low place, 10637Not in high place." 10638% 10639An Hacker there was, one of the finest sort 10640Who controlled the system; graphics was his sport. 10641A manly man, to be a wizard able; 10642Many a protected file he had sitting on his table. 10643His console, when he typed, a man might hear 10644Clicking and feeping wind as clear, 10645Aye, and as loud as does the machine room bell 10646Where my lord Hacker was Prior of the cell. 10647The Rule of good St Savage or St Doeppnor 10648As old and strict he tended to ignore; 10649He let go by the things of yesterday 10650And took the modern world's more spacious way. 10651He did not rate that text as a plucked hen 10652Which says that Hackers are not holy men. 10653And that a hacker underworked is a mere 10654Fish out of water, flapping on the pier. 10655That is to say, a hacker out of his cloister. 10656That was a text he held not worth an oyster. 10657And I agreed and said his views were sound; 10658Was he to study till his head wend round 10659Poring over books in the cloisters? Must he toil 10660As Andy bade and till the very soil? 10661Was he to leave the world upon the shelf? 10662Let Andy have his labor to himself! 10663 -- Chaucer 10664 [well, almost. Ed.] 10665% 10666An honest politician is one who when he is bought will stay bought. 10667 -- Simon Cameron 10668 10669There are honest journalists like there are honest politicians. When 10670bought they stay bought. 10671 -- Bill Moyers 10672% 10673An honest tale speeds best being plainly told. 10674 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 10675% 10676An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God. Some of these 10677eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as 10678possible. 10679 -- Russell Hoban, "Pilgermann" 10680% 10681An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it. 10682% 10683An idealist is one who helps the other fellow to make a profit. 10684 -- Henry Ford 10685% 10686An idle mind is worth two in the bush. 10687% 10688An infallible method of conciliating a tiger 10689is to allow oneself to be devoured. 10690 -- Konrad Adenauer 10691% 10692An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself. 10693 -- Albert Camus 10694% 10695An interpretation I satisfies a sentence in the table language if and only if 10696each entry in the table designates the value of the function designated by the 10697function constant in the upper-left corner applied to the objects designated 10698by the corresponding row and column labels. 10699 -- Genesereth & Nilsson, 10700 "Logical foundations of Artificial Intelligence" 10701% 10702An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest. 10703 -- Benjamin Franklin 10704% 10705An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and 10706great-grandchildren gathered around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of 10707a deeply loved family member. The old man is in a light coma, and the doctors 10708have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four 10709hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes whispers: "I must be dreaming 10710of heaven... I smell my daughter Lisle's strudel." 10711 "No, no, grandfather, you are not dreaming", he is reassured. 10712"Grandmother is baking strudel right now." 10713 A faint smile crosses the old man's face. "Go and get me a sliver of 10714strudel," he says, "she bakes the finest strudel in the world." 10715 One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old 10716man's request, and, after what seems a long time, he returns empty-handed. 10717 "Did you bring me some of Lisle's strudel?", the old man quavers. 10718 "I'm... I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the 10719funeral." 10720% 10721An optimist is a guy that has never had much experience. 10722 -- Don Marquis 10723% 10724An optimist is a man who looks forward to marriage. 10725A pessimist is a married optimist. 10726% 10727An ounce of clear truth is worth a pound of obfuscation. 10728% 10729An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition. 10730 -- Michael Korda 10731% 10732An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest. 10733 -- Spanish proverb 10734% 10735An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge. 10736% 10737Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no 10738government at all. 10739% 10740And all that the Lorax left here in this mess 10741was a small pile of rocks with the one word, "unless." 10742Whatever THAT meant, well, I just couldn't guess. 10743That was long, long ago, and each day since that day, 10744I've worried and worried and worried away. 10745Through the years as my buildings have fallen apart, 10746I've worried about it with all of my heart. 10747 10748"BUT," says the Oncler, "now that you're here, 10749the word of the Lorax seems perfectly clear! 10750UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot, 10751nothing is going to get better - it's not. 10752So... CATCH!" cries the Oncler. He lets something fall. 10753"It's a truffula seed. It's the last one of all! 10754 10755"You're in charge of the last of the truffula seeds. 10756And truffula trees are what everyone needs. 10757Plant a new truffula -- treat it with care. 10758Give it clean water and feed it fresh air. 10759Grow a forest -- protect it from axes that hack. 10760Then the Lorax and all of his friends may come back!" 10761 -- Dr. Seuss, "The Lorax" 10762% 10763And as we stand on the edge of darkness 10764Let our chant fill the void 10765That others may know 10766 10767 In the land of the night 10768 The ship of the sun 10769 Is drawn by 10770 The grateful dead. 10771 -- Tibetan "Book of the Dead," ca. 4000 BC. 10772% 10773And did those feet, in ancient times, 10774Walk upon England's mountains green? 10775And was the Holy Lamb of God 10776In England's pleasant pastures seen? 10777And did the Countenance Divine 10778Shine forth upon these crowded hills? 10779And was Jerusalem builded here 10780Among these dark satanic mills? 10781 10782Bring me my bow of burning gold! 10783Bring me my arrows of desire! 10784Bring me my spears! O clouds unfold! 10785Bring me my chariot of fire! 10786I shall not cease from mental fight, 10787Nor shall my sword rest in my hand, 10788Till we have built Jerusalem 10789In England's green and pleasant land. 10790 -- William Blake, "Jerusalem" 10791% 10792And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel? 10793% 10794And ever has it been known that 10795love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation. 10796 -- Kahlil Gibran 10797% 10798And he climbed with the lad up the Eiffelberg Tower. "This," cried the Mayor, 10799"is your town's darkest hour! The time for all Whos who have blood that is red 10800to come to the aid of their country!" he said. "We've GOT to make noises in 10801greater amounts! So, open your mouth, lad! For every voice counts!" Thus he 10802spoke as he climbed. When they got to the top, the lad cleared his throat and 10803he shouted out, "YOPP!" 10804 And that Yopp... That one last small, extra Yopp put it over! 10805Finally, at last! From the speck on that clover their voices were heard! 10806They rang out clear and clean. And they elephant smiled. "Do you see what 10807I mean?" They've proved they ARE persons, no matter how small. And their 10808whole world was saved by the smallest of All!" 10809 "How true! Yes, how true," said the big kangaroo. "And, from now 10810on, you know what I'm planning to do? From now on, I'm going to protect 10811them with you!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "ME TOO! From 10812the sun in the summer. From rain when it's fall-ish, I'm going to protect 10813them. No matter how small-ish!" 10814 -- Dr. Seuss, "Horton Hears a Who" 10815% 10816And here I wait so patiently 10817Waiting to find out what price 10818You have to pay to get out of 10819Going thru all of these things twice 10820 -- Dylan, "Memphis Blues Again" 10821% 10822And I alone am returned to wag the tail. 10823% 10824And I heard Jeff exclaim, 10825As they strolled out of sight, 10826"Merry Christmas to all -- 10827You take credit cards, right?" 10828 -- "Outsiders" comic 10829% 10830And I suppose the little things are harder to get used to than the big 10831ones. The big ones you get used to, you make up your mind to them. The 10832little things come along unexpectedly, when you aren't thinking about 10833them, aren't braced against them. 10834 -- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "The Forbidden Tower" 10835% 10836And I will do all these good works, and I will do them for free! 10837My only reward will be a tombstone that says "Here lies Gomez 10838Addams -- he was good for nothing." 10839 -- Jack Sharkey, The Addams Family 10840% 10841And if California slides into the ocean, 10842Like the mystics and statistics say it will. 10843I predict this motel will be standing, 10844Until I've paid my bill. 10845 -- Warren Zevon, "Desperados Under the Eaves" 10846% 10847And if sometime, somewhere, someone asketh thee, 10848"Who kilt thee?", tell them it 'twas the Doones of Bagworthy! 10849% 10850And if you wonder, 10851What I am doing, 10852As I am heading for the sink. 10853I am spitting out all the bitterness, 10854Along with half of my last drink. 10855% 10856And in the heartbreak years that lie ahead, 10857Be true to yourself and the Grateful Dead. 10858 -- Joan Baez 10859% 10860And it should be the law: If you use the word `paradigm' without knowing 10861what the dictionary says it means, you go to jail. No exceptions. 10862 -- David Jones 10863% 10864And malt does more than Milton can to justify God's ways to man. 10865 -- A. E. Housman 10866% 10867And miles to go before I sleep. 10868% 10869And now for something completely the same. 10870% 10871And now your toner's toney, Disk blocks aplenty 10872And your paper near pure white, Await your laser drawn lines, 10873The smudges on your soul are gone Your intricate fonts, 10874And your output's clean as light.. Your pictures and signs. 10875 10876We've labored with your father, Your amputative absence 10877The venerable XGP, Has made the Ten dumb, 10878But his slow artistic hand, Without you, Dover, 10879Lacks your clean velocity. We're system untounged- 10880 10881Theses and papers DRAW Plots and TEXage 10882And code in a queue Have been biding their time, 10883Dover, oh Dover, With LISP code and programs, 10884We've been waiting for you. And this crufty rhyme. 10885 10886Dover, oh Dover, Dover, oh Dover, arisen from dead. 10887We welcome you back, Dover, oh Dover, awoken from bed. 10888Though still you may jam, Dover, oh Dover, welcome back to the Lab. 10889You're on the right track. Dover, oh Dover, we've missed your clean 10890 hand... 10891% 10892And on the eighth day, we bulldozed it. 10893% 10894And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode. 10895% 10896And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of 10897your own. 10898 -- "Scoop" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter 10899 Preposterous Words 10900% 10901...and report cards I was always afraid to show 10902Mama'd come to school 10903and as I'd sit there softly cryin' 10904Teacher'd say he's just not tryin' 10905Got a good head if he'd apply it 10906but you know yourself 10907it's always somewhere else 10908I'd build me a castle 10909with dragons and kings 10910and I'd ride off with them 10911As I stood by my window 10912and looked out on those 10913Brooklyn roads 10914 -- Neil Diamond, "Brooklyn Roads" 10915% 10916And so it was, later, 10917As the miller told his tale, 10918That her face, at first just ghostly, 10919Turned a whiter shade of pale. 10920 -- Procol Harum 10921% 10922And so, men, we can see that human skin is an even more complex and 10923fascinating organ than we thought it was, and if we want to keep it 10924looking good, we have to care for it as though it were our own. One 10925approach is to undergo a painful surgical procedure wherein your skin 10926is turned inside-out, so the young cells are on the outside, but then 10927of course you have the unpleasant side effect that your insides 10928gradually fill up with dead old cells and you explode. So this 10929procedure is pretty much limited to top Hollywood stars for whom 10930youthful beauty is a career necessity, such as Elizabeth Taylor and 10931Orson Welles. 10932 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face" 10933% 10934And that's the way it is... 10935 -- Walter Cronkite 10936% 10937And the crowd was stilled. One elderly man, wondering at the sudden silence, 10938turned to the Child and asked him to repeat what he had said. Wide-eyed, 10939the Child raised his voice and said once again, "Why, the Emperor has no 10940clothes! He is naked!" 10941 -- "The Emperor's New Clothes" 10942% 10943And the French medical anatomist Etienne Serres really did argue that 10944black males are primitive because the distance between their navel and 10945penis remains small (relative to body height) throughout life, while 10946white children begin with a small separation but increase it during 10947growth -- the rising belly button as a mark of progress. 10948 -- S. J. Gould, "Racism and Recapitulation" 10949% 10950And the silence came surging softly backwards 10951When the plunging hooves were gone... 10952 -- Walter de La Mare, "The Listeners" 10953% 10954And they shall beat their swords into plowshares, for if you hit a man 10955with a plowshare, he's going to know he's been hit. 10956% 10957And this is a table ma'am. What in essence it consists of is a horizontal 10958rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical columnar supports, 10959which we call legs. The tables in this laboratory, ma'am, are as advanced 10960in design as one will find anywhere in the world. 10961 -- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men" 10962% 10963And this is good old Boston, 10964The home of the bean and the cod, 10965Where the Lowells talk only to Cabots, 10966And the Cabots talk only to God. 10967% 10968And tomorrow will be like today, only more so. 10969 -- Isaiah 56:12, New Standard Version 10970% 10971And we heard him exclaim 10972As he started to roam: 10973"I'm a hologram, kids, 10974please don't try this at home!'" 10975 -- Bob Violence 10976% 10977And what accomplished villains these old engineers were! What diabolical 10978ways to sabotage they found! Nikolai Karlovich von Meck, of the People's 10979Commissariat of Railroads ... would hold forth for hours on end about the 10980economic problems involved in the construction of socialism, and he loved to 10981give advice. One such pernicious piece of advice was to increase the size 10982of freight trains and not worry about heavier than average loads. The GPU 10983exposed van Meck, and he was shot: his objective had been to wear out rails 10984and roadbeds, freight cars and locomotives, so as to leave the Republic 10985without railroads in case of foreign military intervention! When, not long 10986afterward, the new People's Commissar of Railroads ordered that average 10987loads should be increased, and even doubled and tripled them, the malicious 10988engineers who protested became known as limiters ... they were rightly 10989shot for their lack of faith in the possibilities of socialist transport. 10990 -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago" 10991% 10992And... What in the world ever became of Sweet Jane? 10993 She's lost her sparkle, you see she isn't the same. 10994 Livin' on reds, vitamin C, and cocaine 10995 All a friend can say is "Ain't it a shame?" 10996 -- The Grateful Dead 10997% 10998And yet I should have dearly liked, I own, to have touched her lips; to 10999have questioned her, that she might have opened them; to have looked upon 11000the lashes of her downcast eyes, and never raised a blush; to have let 11001loose waves of hair, an inch of which would be a keepsake beyond price: 11002in short, I should have liked, I do confess, to have had the lightest 11003license of a child, and yet been man enough to know its value. 11004 -- Charles Dickens 11005% 11006And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have 11007a sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks 11008tragedy, and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets 11009tragedy face to face, we have politics. 11010 -- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland, 11011 "Root Crops and Ground Cover" 11012% 11013And you can't get any Watney's Red Barrel, 11014because the bars close every time you're thirsty... 11015% 11016"And, you know, I mustn't preach to you, but surely it wouldn't be right for 11017you to take away people's pleasure of studying your attire, by just going 11018and making yourself like everybody else. You feel that, don't you?" said 11019he, earnestly. 11020 -- William Morris, "Notes from Nowhere" 11021% 11022Andrea: Unhappy the land that has no heroes. 11023Galileo: No, unhappy the land that _n_e_e_d_s heroes. 11024 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Life of Galileo" 11025% 11026Andrea's Admonition: 11027 Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you. 11028 If you think his window is closed and he can't hear you, 11029 it isn't and he can. 11030% 11031ANDROPHOBIA: 11032 Fear of men. 11033% 11034Angels we have heard on High 11035Tell us to go out and Buy. 11036 -- Tom Lehrer 11037% 11038Anger is momentary madness. 11039 -- Horace 11040% 11041Anger kills as surely as the other vices. 11042% 11043Animals can be driven crazy by putting too many in too small a pen. 11044Homo sapiens is the only animal that voluntarily does this to himself. 11045 -- Lazarus Long 11046% 11047Ankh if you love Isis. 11048% 11049Announcing the NEW VAX 11/782!! 11050 11051Be the envy of other major Communist Governments! 11052 11053Defend yourself against the entire ICBM force of the imperialist USA with 11054just one of the processors, at the same time you're designing missile ICs, 11055cracking secret NATO codes and editing propaganda for your own people all 11056at the same time with the other! (Well, you really can't, but the Americans 11057think you can, and that's the point, right?) 11058% 11059Anoint, v.: 11060 To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently 11061 slippery. 11062 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 11063% 11064Another day, another dollar. 11065 -- Vincent J. Fuller, defense lawyer for John Hinckley, 11066 upon Hinckley's acquittal for shooting President Ronald 11067 Reagan. 11068% 11069Another flaw in the human character is that everybody wants to build 11070and nobody wants to do maintenance. 11071 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "Hocus Pocus" 11072% 11073Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree. 11074% 11075Another megabytes the dust. 11076% 11077Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but 11078television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom 11079and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that 11080offers whiter teeth *_a_n_d* fresher breath. 11081 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do" 11082% 11083Another such victory over the Romans, and we are undone. 11084 -- Pyrrhus 11085% 11086Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit. 11087 -- Proverbs 26:5 11088% 11089Anthony's Law of Force: 11090 Don't force it; get a larger hammer. 11091% 11092Anthony's Law of the Workshop: 11093 Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible 11094 corner of the workshop. 11095 11096Corollary: 11097 On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike 11098 your toes. 11099% 11100Antique fairy tale: Little Red Riding Hood. 11101Modern fairy tale: Oswald, acting alone, shot Kennedy. 11102% 11103Anti-trust laws should be approached with exactly that attitude. 11104% 11105Antonio Antonio 11106Was tired of living alonio 11107He thought he would woo Antonio Antonio 11108Miss Lucamy Lu, Rode off on his polo ponio 11109Miss Lucamy Lucy Molonio. And found the maid 11110 In a bowery shade, 11111 Sitting and knitting alonio. 11112Antonio Antonio 11113Said if you will be my ownio 11114I'll love you true Oh nonio Antonio 11115And buy for you You're far too bleak and bonio 11116An icery creamry conio. And all that I wish 11117 You singular fish 11118 Is that you will quickly begonio. 11119Antonio Antonio 11120Uttered a dismal moanio 11121And went off and hid 11122Or I'm told that he did 11123In the Antarctical Zonio. 11124% 11125Antonym, n.: 11126 The opposite of the word you're trying to think of. 11127% 11128Anxious after the delay, Gruber doesn't waste any time getting the Koenig 11129[a modified Porsche] up to speed, and almost immediately we are blowing off 11130Alfas, Fiats, and Lancias full of excited Italians. These people love fast 11131cars. But they love sport too and no passing encounter goes unchallenged. 11132Nothing serious, just two wheels into your lane as you're bearing down on 11133them at 130-plus -- to see if you're paying attention. 11134 -- Road & Track article about driving two absurdly fast 11135 cars across Europe. 11136% 11137Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts 11138which are unobtainable, and three parts which are still under development. 11139% 11140Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art. 11141 -- Charles McCabe 11142% 11143Any coward can sit in his home and criticize a pilot for flying into a 11144mountain in a fog. But I would rather, by far, die on a mountainside 11145than in bed. What kind of man would live where there is no daring? 11146And is life so dear that we should blame men for dying in adventure? 11147Is there a better way to die? 11148 -- Charles Lindbergh 11149% 11150Any dramatic series the producers want us to take seriously as a 11151representation of contemporary reality cannot be taken seriously as a 11152representation of anything -- except a show to be ignored by anyone 11153capable of sitting upright in a chair and chewing gum simultaneously. 11154 -- Richard Schickel 11155% 11156Any excuse will serve a tyrant. 11157 -- Aesop 11158% 11159Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that 11160this country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a 11161whole week. 11162% 11163Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to 11164sell it. 11165% 11166Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of sense to know 11167how to lie well. 11168 -- Samuel Butler 11169% 11170Any girl can be glamorous; all you have to do is stand still and look 11171stupid. 11172 -- Hedy Lamarr 11173% 11174Any given program will expand to fill available memory. 11175% 11176Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche 11177-- a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance, 11178my grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off 11179the fence." I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was 11180undoubtedly true. 11181 -- Solomon Short 11182% 11183Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner. 11184% 11185Any man can work when every stroke of his hand brings down the fruit 11186rattling from the tree to the ground; but to labor in season and out 11187of season, under every discouragement, by the power of truth -- that 11188requires a heroism which is transcendent. 11189 -- Henry Ward Beecher 11190% 11191Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad. 11192 -- Leo Rosten, on W. C. Fields 11193% 11194Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be 11195liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall 11196be deemed to be a cat. 11197 -- Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London 11198% 11199Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there. 11200 -- Sydney J. Harris 11201% 11202Any president should have the right to shoot 11203at least two people a year without explanation. 11204 -- Herbert Hoover, discussing the press 11205% 11206Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent. 11207 -- Lazarus Long 11208% 11209Any problem in computer science can be solved with another layer 11210of indirection. 11211 -- David Wheeler 11212% 11213Any program which runs right is obsolete. 11214% 11215Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used. 11216% 11217Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere. 11218Climb the mountain just a little to test it's a mountain. 11219From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain. 11220 -- Bene Gesserit proverb, "Dune" 11221% 11222Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger 11223object. 11224% 11225Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to 11226exactly the point of most pressure. 11227 -- Milt Barber 11228% 11229Any sufficiently advanced bug becomes a feature. 11230% 11231Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature. 11232 -- Rich Kulawiec 11233% 11234Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo. 11235% 11236Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. 11237 -- Arthur C. Clarke 11238% 11239Any sufficiently simple directive can be obfuscated beyond reason 11240given proper legal counsel. 11241 -- Alfred Perlstein 11242% 11243Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked 11244something. 11245% 11246Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours. 11247 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. 11248% 11249Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. 11250% 11251Anybody has a right to evade taxes if he can get away with it. No citizen 11252has a moral obligation to assist in maintaining his government. 11253 -- J. P. Morgan 11254% 11255Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years 11256organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office. 11257 -- David Broder 11258% 11259Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the 11260sight of a police car is probably parked. 11261% 11262Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire. 11263% 11264Anyone can become angry -- that is easy; but to be angry with the right 11265person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose 11266and in the right way -- that is not easy. 11267 -- Aristotle 11268% 11269Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is 11270supposed to be doing at the moment. 11271 -- Robert Benchley 11272% 11273Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm. 11274 -- Publilius Syrus 11275% 11276Anyone can make an omelet with eggs. The trick is to make one with 11277none. 11278% 11279Anyone can say "no." It is the first word a child learns and often the 11280first word he speaks. It is a cheap word because it requires no 11281explanation, and many men and women have acquired a reputation for 11282intelligence who know only this word and have used it in place of 11283thought on every occasion. 11284 -- Chuck Jones (Warner Bros. animation director.) 11285% 11286Anyone stupid enough to be caught by the police is probably guilty. 11287% 11288Anyone taking offence at fortune(s) is desperately lacking beer, in my 11289extremely humble opinion. 11290 -- Philip Paeps 11291% 11292Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he 11293is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not 11294make messes in the house. 11295 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 11296% 11297Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat. 11298 -- Robert A. Heinlein 11299% 11300Anyone who describes Islam as a religion as intolerant encourages violence. 11301 -- Tasnim Aslam, Spokesman for Pakistani Foreign Ministry 11302% 11303Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. 11304 -- Samuel Goldwyn 11305% 11306Anyone who has attended a USENIX conference in a fancy hotel can tell you 11307that a sentence like "You're one of those computer people, aren't you?" 11308is roughly equivalent to "Look, another amazingly mobile form of slime 11309mold!" in the mouth of a hotel cocktail waitress. 11310 -- Elizabeth Zwicky 11311% 11312Anyone who has had a bull by the tail 11313knows five or six more things than someone who hasn't. 11314 -- Mark Twain 11315% 11316Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad. 11317 -- W. C. Fields 11318% 11319Anyone who imagines that all fruits ripen at the same time 11320as the strawberries, knows nothing about grapes. 11321 -- Philippus Paracelsus 11322% 11323Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no 11324account be allowed to do the job. 11325 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 11326% 11327Anyone who knows history, particularly the history of Europe, will, I think, 11328recognize that the domination of education or of government by any one 11329particular religious faith is never a happy arrangement for the people. 11330 -- Eleanor Roosevelt 11331% 11332Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. 11333 -- Groucho Marx 11334% 11335Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never 11336tried taking candy from a baby. 11337 -- Robin Hood 11338% 11339Anything anybody can say about America is true. 11340 -- Emmett Grogan 11341% 11342Anything cut to length will be too short. 11343% 11344Anything free is worth what you pay for it. 11345% 11346Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate. 11347% 11348Anything is possible on paper. 11349 -- Ron McAfee 11350% 11351Anything is possible, unless it's not. 11352% 11353Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. 11354The label means the price went up. 11355The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW" 11356means the price went way up. 11357% 11358Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate. 11359% 11360Anything that is worth doing has been done frequently. Things hitherto 11361undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth. 11362 -- Max Beerbohm, "Mainly on the Air" 11363% 11364Anything worth doing is worth overdoing. 11365% 11366Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this 11367big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around -- 11368nobody big, I mean -- except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy 11369cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go 11370over the cliff -- I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're 11371going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I'd do 11372all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye. I know it; I know it's crazy, 11373but that's the only thing I'd really like to be. I know it's crazy. 11374 -- J. D. Salinger, "Catcher in the Rye" 11375% 11376Apathy Club meeting this Friday. 11377If you want to come, you're not invited. 11378% 11379Apathy is not the problem, it's the solution. 11380% 11381APHASIA: 11382 Loss of speech in social scientists when asked 11383 at parties, "But of what use is your research?" 11384% 11385Aphorism, n.: 11386 A concise, clever statement. 11387Afterism, n.: 11388 A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late. 11389 -- James Alexander Thom 11390% 11391APL hackers do it in the quad. 11392% 11393APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of the 11394future for the programming techniques of the past: it creates a new generation 11395of coding bums. 11396 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 11397% 11398APL is a natural extension of assembler language programming; 11399...and is best for educational purposes. 11400 -- Alan J. Perlis 11401% 11402APL is a write-only language. I can write programs in APL, but I 11403can't read any of them. 11404 -- Roy Keir 11405% 11406Appearances often are deceiving. 11407 -- Aesop 11408% 11409APPENDIX: 11410 A portion of a book, for which nobody yet has discovered any use. 11411% 11412Applause, n.: 11413 The echo of a platitude from the mouth of a fool. 11414 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 11415% 11416April is the cruelest month... 11417 -- Thomas Stearns Eliot 11418% 11419Aquadextrous, adj.: 11420 Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off 11421with your toes. 11422 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 11423% 11424AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) 11425 You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. 11426 You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to 11427 be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same 11428 mistakes over and over again. People think you are stupid. 11429% 11430AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18) 11431 A friend will step forward and confide in you about your breath. Rely 11432 on your outgoing personality and winning smile to get you into a lot 11433 of trouble. Be relaxed, things will change. Look for a pink slip on 11434 payday. Stop wetting your bed. 11435% 11436AQUARIUS (Jan.20 - Feb.18) 11437 You are the type of person who never has enough money to do what 11438 you want. Don't expect things to get any better today, either. 11439 As a matter of fact they might get worse. Intensify your 11440 relationship with your bank and any friends you have who might be 11441 able to lend you a few bucks. 11442% 11443Aquavit is also considered useful for medicinal purposes, an essential 11444ingredient in what I was once told is the Norwegian cure for the common 11445cold. You get a bottle, a poster bed, and the brightest colored stocking 11446cap you can find. You put the cap on the post at the foot of the bed, 11447then get into bed and drink aquavit until you can't see the cap. I've 11448never tried this, but it sounds as though it should work. 11449 -- Peter Nelson 11450% 11451Arbitrary systems, pl.n.: 11452 Systems about which nothing general can be said, save "nothing 11453general can be said." 11454% 11455ARCHDUKE FERDINAND FOUND ALIVE -- 11456 FIRST WORLD WAR A MISTAKE 11457% 11458Are we not men? 11459% 11460Are we running light with overbyte? 11461% 11462Are Women Human? 11463In the year 584, in Lyon, France, 43 Catholic bishops and 20 men 11464representing other bishops, after a lengthy debate, took a vote. 11465The results were 32 yes, 31 no. Women were declared human by one 11466vote. 11467% 11468Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to 11469say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... 11470 11471 Are you sure you're telling the truth? Think hard. 11472 Does it make you happy to know you're sending me to an early grave? 11473 If all your friends jumped off the cliff, would you jump too? 11474 Do you feel bad? How do you think I feel? 11475 Aren't you ashamed of yourself? 11476 Don't you know any better? 11477 How could you be so stupid? 11478 If that's the worst pain you'll ever feel, you should be thankful. 11479 You can't fool me. I know what you're thinking. 11480 If you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all. 11481% 11482Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to 11483say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... 11484 11485 Do as I say, not as I do. 11486 Do me a favour and don't tell me about it. I don't want to know. 11487 What did you do *this* time? 11488 If it didn't taste bad, it wouldn't be good for you. 11489 When I was your age... 11490 I won't love you if you keep doing that. 11491 Think of all the starving children in India. 11492 If there's one thing I hate, it's a liar. 11493 I'm going to kill you. 11494 Way to go, clumsy. 11495 If you don't like it, you can lump it. 11496% 11497Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to 11498say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... 11499 11500 Go away. You bother me. 11501 Why? Because life is unfair. 11502 That's a nice drawing. What is it? 11503 Children should be seen and not heard. 11504 You'll be the death of me. 11505 You'll understand when you're older. 11506 Because. 11507 Wipe that smile off your face. 11508 I don't believe you. 11509 How many times have I told you to be careful? 11510 Just because. 11511% 11512Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to 11513say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... 11514 11515 Good children always obey. 11516 Quit acting so childish. 11517 Boys don't cry. 11518 If you keep making faces, someday it'll freeze that way. 11519 Why do you have to know so much? 11520 This hurts me more than it hurts you. 11521 Why? Because I'm bigger than you. 11522 Well, you've ruined everything. Now are you happy? 11523 Oh, grow up. 11524 I'm only doing this because I love you. 11525% 11526Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to 11527say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... 11528 11529 When are you going to grow up? 11530 I'm only doing this for your own good. 11531 Why are you crying? Stop crying, or I'll give you something to 11532 cry about. 11533 What's wrong with you? 11534 Someday you'll thank me for this. 11535 You'd lose your head if it weren't attached. 11536 Don't you have any sense at all? 11537 If you keep sucking your thumb, it'll fall off. 11538 Why? Because I said so. 11539 I hope you have a kid just like yourself. 11540% 11541Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to 11542say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... 11543 11544 You wouldn't understand. 11545 You ask too many questions. 11546 In order to be a man, you have to learn to follow orders. 11547 That's for me to know and you to find out. 11548 Don't let those bullies push you around. Go in there and stick 11549 up for yourself. 11550 You're acting too big for your britches. 11551 Well, you broke it. Now are you satisfied? 11552 Wait till your father gets home. 11553 Bored? If you're bored, I've got some chores for you. 11554 Shape up or ship out. 11555% 11556Are you a turtle? 11557% 11558Are you making all this up as you go along? 11559% 11560Are you sure the back door is locked? 11561% 11562Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours. 11563 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul 11564% 11565Arguments are extremely vulgar, for everyone 11566in good society holds exactly the same opinion. 11567 -- Oscar Wilde 11568% 11569Arguments with furniture are rarely productive. 11570 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 11571% 11572ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19) 11573 You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You 11574 are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are 11575 not very nice. 11576% 11577ARIES (Mar.21 - Apr.19) 11578 You are a wonderfully interesting, honest, hard-working person 11579 and you should make many new friends, but you won't because you've 11580 got a mean streak in you a mile wide. 11581% 11582ARITHMETIC: 11583 An obscure art no longer practiced in 11584 the world's developed countries. 11585% 11586Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes. 11587 -- Mickey Mouse 11588% 11589Armadillo, v.: 11590 To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle. 11591% 11592Armenians and Azerbaijanis in Stepanakert, capital of the Nagorno-Karabakh 11593autonomous region, rioted over much needed spelling reform in the Soviet 11594Union. 11595 -- P. J. O'Rourke 11596% 11597Armor's Axiom: 11598 Virtue is the failure to achieve vice. 11599% 11600Armstrong's Collection Law: 11601 If the check is truly in the mail, 11602 it is surely made out to someone else. 11603% 11604Arnold's Laws of Documentation: 11605 (1) If it should exist, it doesn't. 11606 (2) If it does exist, it's out of date. 11607 (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the 11608 first two laws. 11609% 11610Around computers it is difficult to find the correct unit of time to 11611measure progress. Some cathedrals took a century to complete. Can you 11612imagine the grandeur and scope of a program that would take as long? 11613 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 11614% 11615Around the turn of this century, a composer named Camille Saint-Saens wrote 11616a satirical zoological-fantasy called "Le Carnaval des Animaux." Aside from 11617one movement of this piece, "The Swan", Saint-Saens didn't allow this work 11618to be published or even performed until a year had elapsed after his death. 11619(He died in 1921.) 11620 Most of us know the "Swan" movement rather well, with its smooth, 11621flowing cello melody against a calm background; but I've been having this 11622fantasy... 11623 What if he had written this piece with lyrics, as a song to be sung? 11624And, further, what if he had accompanied this song with a musical saw? (This 11625instrument really does exist, often played by percussionists!) Then the 11626piece would be better known as: 11627 SAINT-SAENS' SAW SONG "SWAN"! 11628% 11629Arrakis teaches the attitude of the knife - chopping off what's 11630incomplete and saying: "Now it's complete because it's ended here." 11631 -- Muad'dib, "Dune" 11632% 11633Art is a jealous mistress. 11634 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 11635% 11636Art is a lie which makes us realize the truth. 11637 -- Picasso 11638% 11639Art is anything you can get away with. 11640 -- Marshall McLuhan 11641% 11642Art is either plagiarism or revolution. 11643 -- Paul Gauguin 11644% 11645Art is Nature speeded up and God slowed down. 11646 -- Chazal 11647% 11648"Art" is the ability to separate the significant from the insignificant. 11649 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 11650% 11651Art is the tree of life. Science is the tree of death. 11652% 11653Arthur's Laws of Love: 11654 (1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you 11655 remind them of someone else. 11656 (2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be 11657 delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of 11658 yourself in person. 11659% 11660Article the Third: 11661 Where a crime of the kidneys has been committed, the accused should 11662 enjoy the right to a speedy diaper change. Public announcements and 11663 guided tours of the aforementioned are not necessary. 11664Article the Fourth: 11665 The decision to eat strained lamb or not should be with the "feedee" 11666 and not the "feeder". Blowing the strained lamb into the feeder's 11667 face should be accepted as an opinion, not as a declaration of war. 11668Article the Fifth: 11669 Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize, whether it be in church, 11670 a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours when the 11671 lights are out. They have not yet learned that joy and laughter have 11672 to last a lifetime and must be conserved. 11673 -- Erma Bombeck, "A Baby's Bill of Rights" 11674% 11675Artificial intelligence has the same relation to intelligence as 11676artificial flowers have to flowers. 11677 -- David Parnas 11678% 11679Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum. 11680% 11681As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing. 11682% 11683As a professional humorist, I often get letters from readers who are 11684interested in the basic nature of humor. "What kind of a sick 11685perverted disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask, 11686"that you make jokes about setting fire to a goat?" ... 11687 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" 11688% 11689As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and 11690I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist. 11691This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls. 11692 -- Matt Cartmill 11693% 11694As an Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are sitting in a pub, quaffing 11695a few, three flies buzz down from the ceiling and lazily circle each drinker. 11696Suddenly "buzzzzzzzzplooop", each fly does a kamakazi dive into a different 11697glass. 11698 The Englishman take a disgusted look at his pint, dips the fly out 11699with a spoon, flicks the fly over his shoulder, and drains the glass. 11700 The Aussie notices the fly as he puts the glass to his lips. With 11701a quick puff he blows the bug out in a cloud of foam, and tosses the beer 11702down in one gulp. 11703 Then, as they both look on, awestruck, the Scotsman gently grasps the 11704fly by its wings, lifts it out of his brew and shakes it off. Then, in a 11705firm voice he speaks to the fly: "There y'are now laddie, safe and sound. 11706NOW SPIT IT OOOOT!" 11707% 11708As crazy as hauling timber into the woods. 11709 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 11710% 11711As failures go, attempting to recall the past is like trying to grasp 11712the meaning of existence. Both make one feel like a baby clutching at 11713a basketball: one's palms keep sliding off. 11714 -- Joseph Brodsky 11715% 11716As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not 11717certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. 11718 -- Albert Einstein 11719% 11720As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. 11721 -- Weisert 11722% 11723As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport. 11724 -- William Shakespeare, "King Lear" 11725% 11726As for the women, though we scorn and flout 'em, 11727We may live with, but cannot live without 'em. 11728 -- Frederic Reynolds 11729% 11730As Gen. de Gaulle occasionally acknowledges America to be the daughter 11731of Europe, so I am pleased to come to Yale, the daughter of Harvard. 11732 -- John F. Kennedy 11733% 11734As goatherd learns his trade by goat, so writer learns his trade by wrote. 11735% 11736As he had feared, his orders had been forgotten and everyone had brought 11737the potato salad. 11738% 11739As I argued in "Beloved Son", a book about my son Brian and the subject of 11740religious communes and cults, one result of proper early instruction in the 11741methods of rational thought will be to make sudden mindless conversions -- 11742to anything -- less likely. Brian now realizes this and has, after eleven 11743years, left the sect he was associated with. The problem is that once the 11744untrained mind has made a formal commitment to a religious philosophy -- 11745and it does not matter whether that philosophy is generally reasonable and 11746high-minded or utterly bizarre and irrational -- the powers of reason are 11747surprisingly ineffective in changing the believer's mind. 11748 -- Steve Allen 11749% 11750As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very 11751pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!! 11752 -- Jack Handey 11753% 11754As I thought, no better from this side. 11755 -- Eeyore 11756% 11757As I was going up Punch Card Hill, 11758 Feeling worse and worser, 11759There I met a C.R.T. 11760 And it drop't me a cursor. 11761 11762C.R.T., C.R.T., 11763 Phosphors light on you! 11764If I had fifty hours a day 11765 I'd spend them all at you. 11766 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes 11767% 11768As I was passing Project MAC, 11769I met a Quux with seven hacks. 11770Every hack had seven bugs; 11771Every bug had seven manifestations; 11772Every manifestation had seven symptoms. 11773Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks, 11774How many losses at Project MAC? 11775% 11776As I was walking down the street one dark and dreary day, 11777I came upon a billboard and much to my dismay, 11778The words were torn and tattered, 11779From the storm the night before, 11780The wind and rain had done its work and this is how it goes, 11781 11782Smoke Coca-Cola cigarettes, chew Wrigleys Spearmint beer, 11783Ken-L-Ration dog food makes your complexion clear, 11784Simonize your baby in a Hershey candy bar, 11785And Texaco's a beauty cream that's used by every star. 11786 11787Take your next vacation in a brand new Frigidaire, 11788Learn to play the piano in your winter underwear, 11789Doctors say that babies should smoke until they're three, 11790And people over sixty-five should bathe in Lipton tea. 11791% 11792As in certain cults it is possible to 11793kill a process if you know its true name. 11794 -- Ken Thompson and Dennis M. Ritchie 11795% 11796As in Protestant Europe, by contrast, where sects divided endlessly into 11797smaller competing sects and no church dominated any other, all is different 11798in the fragmented world of IBM. That realm is now a chaos of conflicting 11799norms and standards that not even IBM can hope to control. You can buy a 11800computer that works like an IBM machine but contains nothing made or sold by 11801IBM itself. Renegades from IBM constantly set up rival firms and establish 11802standards of their own. When IBM recently abandoned some of its original 11803standards and decreed new ones, many of its rivals declared a puritan 11804allegiance to IBM's original faith, and denounced the company as a divisive 11805innovator. Still, the IBM world is united by its distrust of icons and 11806imagery. IBM's screens are designed for language, not pictures. Graven 11807images may be tolerated by the luxurious cults, but the true IBM faith relies 11808on the austerity of the word. 11809 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988 11810% 11811As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great 11812industries are secure. We hear about constitutional rights, free 11813speech and the free press. Every time I hear these words I say to 11814myself, "That man is a Red, that man is a Communist". You never hear a 11815real American talk like that. 11816 -- Frank Hague (1896-1956) 11817% 11818As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong? 11819% 11820As long as there are ill-defined goals, bizarre bugs, and unrealistic 11821schedules, there will be Real Programmers willing to jump in and Solve 11822The Problem, saving the documentation for later. 11823% 11824As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination. 11825When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular. 11826 -- Oscar Wilde, "Intentions" 11827% 11828As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality. 11829One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly 11830useful and interesting, I just had to share it. 11831 11832Answer each of the following items "true" or "false" 11833 11834 1. I salivate at the sight of mittens. 11835 2. If I go into the street, I'm apt to be bitten by a horse. 11836 3. Some people never look at me. 11837 4. Spinach makes me feel alone. 11838 5. My sex life is A-okay. 11839 6. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit. 11840 7. I like to kill mosquitoes. 11841 8. Cousins are not to be trusted. 11842 9. It makes me embarrassed to fall down. 1184310. I get nauseous from too much roller skating. 1184411. I think most people would cry to gain a point. 1184512. I cannot read or write. 1184613. I am bored by thoughts of death. 1184714. I become homicidal when people try to reason with me. 1184815. I would enjoy the work of a chicken flicker. 1184916. I am never startled by a fish. 1185017. My mother's uncle was a good man. 1185118. I don't like it when somebody is rotten. 1185219. People who break the law are wise guys. 1185320. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend. 11854% 11855As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality. 11856One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly 11857useful and interesting, I just had to share it. 11858 11859Answer each of the following items "true" or "false" 11860 11861 1. I think beavers work too hard. 11862 2. I use shoe polish to excess. 11863 3. God is love. 11864 4. I like mannish children. 11865 5. I have always been disturbed by the sight of Lincoln's ears. 11866 6. I always let people get ahead of me at swimming pools. 11867 7. Most of the time I go to sleep without saying goodbye. 11868 8. I am not afraid of picking up door knobs. 11869 9. I believe I smell as good as most people. 1187010. Frantic screams make me nervous. 1187111. It's hard for me to say the right thing when I find myself in a room 11872 full of mice. 1187312. I would never tell my nickname in a crisis. 1187413. A wide necktie is a sign of disease. 1187514. As a child I was deprived of licorice. 1187615. I would never shake hands with a gardener. 1187716. My eyes are always cold. 1187817. Cousins are not to be trusted. 1187918. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit. 1188019. I am never startled by a fish. 1188120. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend. 11882% 11883As me an' me marrer was readin' a tyape, 11884The tyape gave a shriek mark an' tried tae escyape; 11885It skipped ower the gyate tae the end of the field, 11886An' jigged oot the room wi' a spool an' a reel! 11887Follow the leader, Johnny me laddie, 11888Follow it through, me canny lad O; 11889Follow the transport, Johnny me laddie, 11890Away, lad, lie away, canny lad O! 11891 -- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 11892% 11893As of next Thursday, UNIX will be flushed in favor of TOPS-10. 11894Please update your programs. 11895% 11896As of next Tuesday, C will be flushed in favor of COBOL. 11897Please update your programs. 11898% 11899As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code. 11900% 11901As part of an ongoing effort to keep you, the Fortune reader, abreast of 11902the valuable information the daily crosses the USENET, Fortune presents: 11903 11904News articles that answer *your* questions, #1: 11905 11906 Newsgroups: comp.sources.d 11907 Subject: how do I run C code received from sources 11908 Keywords: C sources 11909 Distribution: na 11910 11911 I do not know how to run the C programs that are posted in the 11912 sources newsgroup. I save the files, edit them to remove the 11913 headers, and change the mode so that they are executable, but I 11914 cannot get them to run. (I have never written a C program before.) 11915 11916 Must they be compiled? With what compiler? How do I do this? If 11917 I compile them, is an object code file generated or must I generate 11918 it explicitly with the > character? Is there something else that 11919 must be done? 11920% 11921As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 programs; 11922a process that traditionally requires some debugging. 11923 -- USA Today, referring to the Internal Revenue Service 11924 conversion to a new computer system. 11925% 11926As some day it may happen that a victim must be found 11927I've got a little list -- I've got a little list 11928Of society offenders who might well be underground 11929And who never would be missed -- who never would be missed. 11930 -- Koko, "The Mikado" 11931% 11932As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn't 11933as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be 11934discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large 11935part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in 11936my own programs. 11937 -- Maurice Wilkes, designer of EDSAC, on programming, 1949 11938% 11939As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably 11940because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. 11941 -- Woody Allen 11942% 11943As the system comes up, the component builders will from time to time appear, 11944bearing hot new versions of their pieces -- faster, smaller, more complete, 11945or putatively less buggy. The replacement of a working component by a new 11946version requires the same systematic testing procedure that adding a new 11947component does, although it should require less time, for more complete and 11948efficient test cases will usually be available. 11949 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month" 11950% 11951As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there 11952is always a future in Computer Maintenance. 11953 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 11954% 11955As to Jesus of Nazareth... I think the system of Morals and his Religion, 11956as he left them to us, the best the World ever saw or is likely to see; 11957but I apprehend it has received various corrupting Changes, and I have, 11958with most of the present Dissenters in England, some doubts as to his 11959divinity. 11960 -- Benjamin Franklin 11961% 11962As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay. 11963 -- Miguel de Cervantes 11964% 11965As Will Rogers would have said,"There is no such thing as a free 11966variable." 11967% 11968As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple 11969memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time 11970to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A, 11971E, or U is the proper time for chocolate. 11972 -- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion" 11973% 11974As you grow older, you will still do foolish things, 11975but you will do them with much more enthusiasm. 11976 -- The Cowboy 11977% 11978As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would 11979interfere with flight. [In fact, this was the big breakthrough for the 11980Wright Brothers. They were watching birds one day, trying to figure 11981out how to get their crude machine to fly, when suddenly it dawned on 11982Wilbur. "Orville," he said, "all we have to do is remove the sexual 11983organs!" You should have seen their original design.] As a result, 11984birds are very, very difficult to arouse sexually. You almost never 11985see an aroused bird. So when they want to reproduce, birds fly up and 11986stand on telephone lines, where they monitor telephone conversations 11987with their feet. When they find a conversation in which people are 11988talking dirty, they grip the line very tightly until they are both 11989highly aroused, at which point the female gets pregnant. 11990 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every 11991 Teen Should Know" 11992% 11993As you reach for the web, a venomous spider appears. Unable to pull 11994your hand away in time, the spider promptly, but politely, bites you. 11995The venom takes affect quickly causing your lips to turn plaid along 11996with your complexion. You become dazed, and in your stupor you fall 11997from the limbs of the tree. Snap! Your head falls off and rolls all 11998over the ground. The instant before you croak, you hear the whoosh of 11999a vacuum being filled by the air surrounding your head. Worse yet, the 12000spider is suing you for damages. 12001% 12002As you will see, I told them, in no uncertain terms, to see Figure one. 12003 -- Dave "First Strike" Pare 12004% 12005As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself." 12006% 12007Ascend to the high mountain pass, 12008Cross the shallow side of the wide ocean. 12009Do not give up to the great distance: 12010It's by going that you will reach your aim. 12011Be not discouraged by human frailty: 12012You will overcome it if you try to. 12013 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan 12014% 12015ASCII: 12016 The control code for all beginning programmers and those who would 12017 become computer literate. Etymologically, the term has come down as 12018 a contraction of the often-repeated phrase "ascii and you shall 12019 receive." 12020 -- Robb Russon 12021% 12022ASCII a stupid question, you get an EBCDIC answer. 12023% 12024ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS. 12025% 12026Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, 12027If God won't have you, the devil must. 12028% 12029Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if 12030one went to Harvard). 12031 -- Edgar R. Fiedler 12032% 12033Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you 12034will pay only the station-to-station rate. 12035 -- Howard Kandel 12036% 12037Ask not for whom the <CONTROL-G> tolls. 12038% 12039Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls ... 12040if thou art in the bathtub, it tolls for thee. 12041% 12042Ask not what's inside your head, but what your head's inside of. 12043 -- J. J. Gibson 12044% 12045Ask your boss to reconsider -- it's so difficult to take "Go to hell" 12046for an answer. 12047% 12048Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so. 12049 -- John Stuart Mill 12050% 12051Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old 12052woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, "The way I look at it, 12053she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds." 12054 -- David Letterman 12055% 12056Asked how she felt being the first woman to make a major-league team, she 12057said, "Like a pig in mud," or words to that effect, and then turned and 12058released a squirt of tobacco juice from the wad of rum soaked plug in her 12059right cheek. She chewed a rare brand of plug called Stuff It, which she 12060learned to chew when she was playing Nicaraguan summer ball. She told the 12061writers, "They were so mean to me down there you couldn't write it in your 12062newspaper. I took a gun everywhere I went, even to bed. *Especially* to 12063bed. Guys were after me like you can't believe. That's when I started 12064chewing tobacco -- because no matter how bad anybody treats you, it's not 12065as bad as this. This is the worst chew in the world. After this, 12066everything else is peaches and cream." The writers elected Gentleman Jim, 12067the Sparrow's P.R. guy, to bite off a chunk and tell them how it tasted, 12068and as he sat and chewed it tears ran down his old sunburnt cheeks and he 12069couldn't talk for a while. Then he whispered, "You've been chewing this for 12070two years? God, I had no idea it was so hard to be a woman." 12071 -- Garrison Keillor 12072% 12073Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a 12074lamp-post how it feels about dogs. 12075 -- Christopher Hampton 12076% 12077Ass, n.: 12078 The masculine of "lass". 12079% 12080Assembly language experience is [important] for the maturity 12081and understanding of how computers work that it provides. 12082 -- D. Gries 12083% 12084Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve. 12085Run with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be 12086strengthened. Keep the company of bums and you will become a bum. 12087Hang around with rich people and you will end by picking up the check 12088and dying broke. 12089 -- Stanley Walker 12090% 12091Astrology... just a bunch of Taurus. 12092% 12093Asynchronous inputs are at the root of our race problems. 12094 -- D. Winker and F. Prosser 12095% 12096At about 2500 A.D., humankind discovers a computer problem that *must* be 12097solved. The only difficulty is that the problem is NP complete and will 12098take thousands of years even with the latest optical biologic technology 12099available. The best computer scientists sit down to think up some solution. 12100In great dismay, one of the C.S. people tells her husband about it. There 12101is only one solution, he says. Remember physics 103, Modern Physics, general 12102relativity and all. She replies, "What does that have to do with solving 12103a computer problem?" 12104 "Remember the twin paradox?" 12105 After a few minutes, she says, "I could put the computer on a very 12106fast machine and the computer would have just a few minutes to calculate but 12107that is the exact opposite of what we want... Of course! Leave the 12108computer here, and accelerate the earth!" 12109 The problem was so important that they did exactly that. When 12110the earth came back, they were presented with the answer: 12111 12112 IEH032 Error in JOB Control Card. 12113% 12114At any given moment, an arrow must be either where it is or where it is 12115not. But obviously it cannot be where it is not. And if it is where 12116it is, that is equivalent to saying that it is at rest. 12117 -- Zeno's paradox of the moving (still?) arrow 12118% 12119At ebb tide I wrote a line upon the sand, and gave it all my heart and all 12120my soul. At flood tide I returned to read what I had inscribed and found my 12121ignorance upon the shore. 12122 -- Kahlil Gibran 12123% 12124At first, I just did it on weekends. With a few friends, you know... 12125We never wanted to hurt anyone. The girls loved it. We'd all sit 12126around the computer and do a little UNIX. It was just a kick. At 12127least that's what we thought. Then it got worse. 12128 12129It got so I'd have to do some UNIX during the weekdays. After a 12130while, I couldn't even wake up in the morning without having that 12131crave to go do UNIX. Then it started affecting my job. I would just 12132have to do it during my break. Maybe a `grep' or two, maybe a little 12133`more'. I eventually started doing UNIX just to get through the day. 12134Of course, it screwed up my mind so much that I couldn't even 12135function as a normal person. 12136 12137I'm lucky today, I've overcome my UNIX problem. It wasn't easy. If 12138you're smart, just don't start. Remember, if any weirdo offers you 12139some UNIX, 12140 12141 Just Say No! 12142% 12143At first sight, the idea of any rules or principles being superimposed on 12144the creative mind seems more likely to hinder than to help, but this is 12145quite untrue in practice. Disciplined thinking focuses inspiration rather 12146than blinkers it. 12147 -- G. L. Glegg, "The Design of Design" 12148% 12149At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial 12150challenge roughly comparable to herding cats. 12151 -- "The Washington Post Magazine", June 9, 1985 12152% 12153At last I've found the girl of my dreams. Last night she said to me, 12154"Once more, Strange, and this time *I'll* be Donnie and *you* be Marie. 12155 -- Strange de Jim 12156% 12157At least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand. 12158 -- J. B. White 12159% 12160At least they're _E_X_P_E_R_I_E_N_C_E_D incompetents. 12161% 12162At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his 12163thumb with a hammer. 12164 -- Marshall Lumsden 12165% 12166At once it struck me what quality went to form a man of achievement, 12167especially in literature, and which Shakespeare possessed so enormously 12168-- I mean negative capability, that is, when a man is capable of being 12169in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching 12170after fact and reason. 12171 -- John Keats 12172% 12173At social gatherings, I would amuse everyone by standing uponst the 12174coffee table and striking meself repeatedly upon the head with a brick. 12175 -- H. R. Gumby 12176% 12177At the end of your life there'll be a good rest, 12178and no further activities are scheduled. 12179% 12180At the foot of the mountain, thunder: 12181The image of Providing Nourishment. 12182Thus the superior man is careful of his words 12183And temperate in eating and drinking. 12184% 12185At the heart of science is an essential tension between two seemingly 12186contradictory attitudes -- an openness to new ideas, no matter how bizarre 12187or counterintuitive they may be, and the most ruthless skeptical scrutiny 12188of all ideas, old and new. This is how deep truths are winnowed from deep 12189nonsense. Of course, scientists make mistakes in trying to understand the 12190world, but there is a built-in error-correcting mechanism: The collective 12191enterprise of creative thinking and skeptical thinking together keeps the 12192field on track. 12193 -- Carl Sagan, "The Fine Art of Baloney Detection" 12194% 12195At the hospital, a doctor is training an intern on how to announce bad news 12196to the patients. The doctor tells the intern "This man in 305 is going to 12197die in six months. Go in and tell him." The intern boldly walks into the 12198room, over to the man's bedside and tells him "Seems like you're gonna die!" 12199The man has a heart attack and is rushed into surgery on the spot. The doctor 12200grabs the intern and screams at him, "What!?!? are you some kind of moron? 12201You've got to take it easy, work your way up to the subject. Now this man in 12202213 has about a week to live. Go in and tell him, but, gently, you hear me, 12203gently!" 12204 The intern goes softly into the room, humming to himself, cheerily 12205opens the drapes to let the sun in, walks over to the man's bedside, fluffs 12206his pillow and wishes him a "Good morning!" "Wonderful day, no? Say... 12207guess who's going to die soon!" 12208% 12209At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will 12210find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on 12211the computer. 12212% 12213At these prices, I lose money -- but I make it up in volume. 12214 -- Peter G. Alaquon 12215% 12216At times discretion should be thrown aside, 12217and with the foolish we should play the fool. 12218 -- Menander 12219% 12220At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the 12221number of pens that person is carrying. 12222% 12223Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 12224% 12225ATLANTA: 12226 An entire city surrounded by an airport. 12227% 12228Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole 12229or street lamp. 12230% 12231Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason. 12232 -- Winston Churchill 12233% 12234Attempting to stop MySQL by buying companies around it is like trying 12235to kill a dolphin by drinking the ocean. 12236 -- Marten Mickos 12237% 12238Attorney General Edwin Meese III explained why the Supreme Court's Miranda 12239decision (holding that subjects have a right to remain silent and have a 12240lawyer present during questioning) is unnecessary: "You don't have many 12241suspects who are innocent of a crime. That's contradictory. If a person 12242is innocent of a crime, then he is not a suspect." 12243 -- U.S. News and World Report, 10/14/85 12244% 12245Auction, n.: 12246 A gyp off the old block. 12247% 12248Audacity, and again, audacity, and always audacity. 12249 -- G. J. Danton 12250% 12251Audiophile, n.: 12252 Someone who listens to the equipment instead of the music. 12253% 12254Auribus teneo lupum. 12255[I hold a wolf by the ears.] 12256% 12257AUTHENTIC: 12258 Indubitably true, in somebody's opinion. 12259% 12260Authors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whatever 12261depths they were once able to plumb. 12262 -- Stanley Kaufman 12263% 12264Authors are easy to get on with -- if you're fond of children. 12265 -- Michael Joseph, "Observer" 12266% 12267Automobile, n.: 12268 A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians. 12269% 12270Avec! 12271% 12272Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance. 12273% 12274Avoid cliches like the plague. 12275They're a dime a dozen. 12276% 12277Avoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight. 12278% 12279Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep. 12280 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 12281% 12282Avoid reality at all costs. 12283% 12284Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but 12285we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you. 12286 -- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student 12287% 12288Avoid strange women and temporary variables. 12289% 12290Awash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining 12291ear and felt the presence of somebody else behind him, which caused terror 12292to push through his nervous system like a flash flood roaring down the 12293mid-fork of the Feather River before the completion of the Oroville Dam 12294in 1959. 12295 -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton 12296 bad fiction contest. 12297% 12298Bacchus, n.: 12299 A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for 12300getting drunk. 12301 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 12302% 12303BACHELOR: 12304 A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free. 12305% 12306BACHELOR: 12307 A man who chases women and never Mrs. one. 12308% 12309Back in '80 or '81 the workers were rioting in Gdansk and there were fears 12310that the Soviets would invade Poland to put down the demonstrations. Foreign 12311correspondents were curious as to just what the Poles would do if they were 12312invaded. They asked, "What will you do if the East Germans invade from the 12313West and the Soviets invade from the East? Who will you fight first?" 12314 To which the Poles replied, "Why, we will fight the Germans first. 12315Business before pleasure." 12316% 12317Back in the early 60's, touch tone phones only had 10 buttons. Some 12318military versions had 16, while the 12 button jobs were used only by people 12319who had "diva" (digital inquiry, voice answerback) systems -- mainly banks. 12320Since in those days, only Western Electric made "data sets" (modems) the 12321problems of terminology were all Bell System. We used to struggle with 12322written descriptions of dial pads that were unfamiliar to most people 12323(most phones were rotary then.) Partly in jest, some AT&T engineering 12324types (there was no marketing in the good old days, which is why they were 12325the good old days) made up the term "octalthorpe" (note spelling) to denote 12326the "pound sign." Presumably because it has 8 points sticking out. It 12327never really caught on. 12328% 12329Back when I was a boy, it was 40 miles to everywhere, 12330uphill both ways and it was always snowing. 12331% 12332BACKWARD CONDITIONING: 12333 Putting saliva in a dog's mouth in an attempt to make a bell ring. 12334% 12335Bacon's not the only thing that's cured by hanging from a string. 12336% 12337BAD CRAZINESS, MAN!!! 12338% 12339Bad men live that they may eat and drink, 12340whereas good men eat and drink that they may live. 12341 -- Socrates 12342% 12343Bagbiter: 12344 1. n.; Equipment or program that fails, usually 12345intermittently. 2. adj.: Failing hardware or software. "This 12346bagbiting system won't let me get out of spacewar." Usage: verges on 12347obscenity. Grammatically separable; one may speak of "biting the 12348bag". Synonyms: LOSER, LOSING, CRETINOUS, BLETCHEROUS, BARFUCIOUS, 12349CHOMPER, CHOMPING. 12350% 12351Bagdikian's Observation: 12352 Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American 12353newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a 12354ukulele. 12355% 12356Bahdges? We don't need no stinkin' bahdges! 12357 -- "The Treasure of Sierra Madre" 12358% 12359Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry: 12360 A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides 12361by governors. 12362% 12363BALLISTOPHOBIA: 12364 Fear of bullets; 12365OTOPHOBIA: 12366 Fear of opening one's eyes. 12367PECCATOPHOBIA: 12368 Fear of sinning. 12369TAPHEPHOBIA: 12370 Fear of being buried alive. 12371SITOPHOBIA: 12372 Fear of food. 12373TRICHOPHOBIA: 12374 Fear of hair. 12375VESTIPHOBIA: 12376 Fear of clothing. 12377% 12378BALTIMORE: 12379 A wharf-rat stealing Diogenes' lamp. 12380% 12381Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare. 12382% 12383Banacek's Eighteenth Polish Proverb: 12384 The hippo has no sting, but the wise 12385 man would rather be sat upon by the bee. 12386% 12387Banectomy, n.: 12388 The removal of bruises on a banana. 12389 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 12390% 12391Bank error in your favor. Collect $200. 12392% 12393Barach's Rule: 12394 An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician. 12395% 12396Barbara's Rules of Bitter Experience: 12397 (1) When you empty a drawer for his clothes 12398 and a shelf for his toiletries, the relationship ends. 12399 (2) When you finally buy pretty stationary 12400 to continue the correspondence, he stops writing. 12401% 12402Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they point upward from the 12403floor -- especially in the dark. 12404% 12405Barker's Proof: 12406 Proofreading is more effective after publication. 12407% 12408Barometer, n.: 12409 An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we 12410are having. 12411 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 12412% 12413Barth's Distinction: 12414 There are two types of people: those who divide people into two 12415types, and those who don't. 12416% 12417Baruch's Observation: 12418 If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. 12419% 12420Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers. 12421 -- Tom Lehrer 12422% 12423Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game -- it, and high taxes. 12424 -- Will Rogers 12425% 12426Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think 12427Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 12428 12429 (1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 12430 (2) Advising the President. 12431 (3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin. 12432 -- David Letterman 12433% 12434Basic Definitions of Science: 12435 If it's green or wiggles, it's biology. 12436 If it stinks, it's chemistry. 12437 If it doesn't work, it's physics. 12438% 12439Basic is a high level languish. 12440APL is a high level anguish. 12441% 12442BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of "Scientific Creationism." 12443% 12444BASIC is to computer programming as QWERTY is to typing. 12445 -- Seymour Papert 12446% 12447BASIC, n.: 12448 A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in 12449 that those who have it will not admit it in polite company. 12450% 12451Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd 12452come in and sink my boats. 12453 -- Woody Allen 12454% 12455Bathquake, n.: 12456 The violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water 12457 faucet is turned on to a certain point. 12458 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 12459% 12460Batteries not included. 12461% 12462Battle, n.: 12463 A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that 12464 will not yield to the tongue. 12465 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 12466% 12467Be a better psychiatrist and the world 12468will beat a psychopath to your door. 12469% 12470BE A LOOF! (There has been a recent population explosion of lerts.) 12471% 12472BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts...) 12473% 12474Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely 12475get your Feet wet. Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your 12476face. 12477 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 12478% 12479Be both a speaker of words and a doer of deeds. 12480 -- Homer 12481% 12482Be braver -- you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps. 12483% 12484Be careful! Is it classified? 12485% 12486Be careful! UGLY strikes 9 out of 10! 12487% 12488Be careful how you get yourself involved with persons or 12489situations that can't bear inspection. 12490% 12491Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint. 12492 -- Mark Twain 12493% 12494Be careful what you set your heart on -- for it will surely be yours. 12495 -- James Baldwin, "Nobody Knows My Name" 12496% 12497Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom. 12498% 12499Be careful when you bite into your hamburger. 12500 -- Derek Bok 12501% 12502Be cautious in your daily affairs. 12503% 12504Be cheerful while you are alive. 12505 -- Phathotep, 24th Century B.C. 12506% 12507Be circumspect in your liaisons with women. It is better 12508to be seen at the opera with a man than at mass with a woman. 12509 -- De Maintenon 12510% 12511Be different: conform. 12512% 12513Be frank and explicit with your lawyer ... it is his business to confuse 12514the issue afterwards. 12515% 12516Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! 12517Things won't get any better so get used to it. 12518% 12519Be incomprehensible. If they can't understand, they can't disagree. 12520% 12521Be independent. 12522Insult a rich relative today. 12523% 12524Be it our wealth, our jobs, or even our homes; 12525nothing is safe while the legislature is in session. 12526% 12527Be nice to people on the way up, because you'll meet them on your way down. 12528 -- Wilson Mizner 12529% 12530Be not anxious about what you have, but about what you are. 12531 -- Pope St. Gregory I 12532% 12533Be open to other people -- they may enrich your dream. 12534% 12535Be prepared to accept sacrifices. 12536Vestal virgins aren't all that bad. 12537% 12538Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent 12539and original in your work. 12540 -- Flaubert 12541% 12542Be security conscious -- National Defense is at stake. 12543% 12544Be self-reliant and your success is assured. 12545% 12546Be sociable. 12547Speak to the person next to you in the unemployment line tomorrow. 12548% 12549Be sure to evaluate the bird-hand/bush ratio. 12550% 12551Be valiant, but not too venturous. 12552Let thy attire be comely, but not costly. 12553 -- John Lyly 12554% 12555Beachhead, n.: 12556 In marketing: A small piece of a market over which you gain 12557 control and from which you go out to control other pieces of 12558 the market. 12559 12560 In war: Where soldiers die. 12561% 12562Beam me up, Scotty! 12563% 12564Beam me up, Scotty! It ate my phaser! 12565% 12566Beam me up, Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here! 12567% 12568Beat your son every day; you may not know why, but he will. 12569% 12570BEAUTY: 12571 What's in your eye when you have a bee in your hand. 12572% 12573Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life. 12574% 12575Beauty, brains, availability, personality; pick any two. 12576% 12577Beauty is one of the rare things which does not lead to doubt of God. 12578 -- Jean Anouilh 12579% 12580Beauty is truth, truth beauty, that is all 12581Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know. 12582 -- John Keats 12583% 12584Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone. 12585 -- Redd Foxx 12586% 12587Because I do, 12588Because I do not hope, 12589Because I do not hope to survive 12590Injustice from the Palace, death from the air, 12591Because I do, only do, 12592I continue... 12593 -- T. S. Pynchon 12594% 12595Because the wine remembers. 12596% 12597Because we don't think about future generations, 12598they will never forget us. 12599 -- Henrik Tikkanen 12600% 12601Been through hell? 12602What did you bring back for me? 12603% 12604Been Transferred Lately? 12605% 12606Beer -- it's not just for breakfast anymore. 12607% 12608Beer & Pretzels -- Breakfast of Champions. 12609% 12610Bees are very busy souls 12611They have no time for birth controls 12612And that is why in times like these 12613There are so many Sons of Bees. 12614% 12615Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more. 12616 -- Addison H. Hallock 12617% 12618Before destruction a man's heart is 12619haughty, but humility goes before honour. 12620 -- Psalms 18:12 12621% 12622...before I could come to any conclusion it occurred to me that my speech 12623or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility. What 12624did it matter what anyone knew or ignored? What did it matter who was 12625manager? One gets sometimes such a flash of insight. The essentials of 12626this affair lay deep under the surface, beyond my reach, and beyond my 12627power of meddling. 12628 -- Joseph Conrad 12629% 12630Before I knew the best part of my life had come, it had gone. 12631% 12632Before marriage the three little words are "I love you," after marriage 12633they are "Let's eat out." 12634% 12635Before really embarking on a sizeable project, in particular before 12636starting the large investment of coding, try to kill the project 12637first. 12638 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, EWD1308 12639% 12640Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego. 12641% 12642Before you ask more questions, think about whether 12643you really want to know the answers. 12644 -- Gene Wolfe, "The Claw of the Conciliator" 12645% 12646Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. 12647That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have 12648their shoes. 12649% 12650Begathon, n.: 12651 A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so 12652you won't have to watch commercials. 12653% 12654Beggar to well-dressed businessman: 12655 "Could you spare $20.95 for a fifth of Chivas?" 12656% 12657Beggars should be no choosers. 12658 -- John Heywood 12659% 12660Behind every argument is someone's ignorance. 12661% 12662Behind every great computer sits a skinny little geek. 12663% 12664Behind every successful man you'll find a woman with nothing to wear. 12665% 12666Behold the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket" -- which 12667is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but 12668the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and -- watch that 12669basket!" 12670 -- Mark Twain 12671% 12672Behold the warranty -- the bold print 12673giveth and the fine print taketh away. 12674% 12675Beifeld's Principle: 12676 The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and 12677receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is 12678already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better 12679looking and richer male friend. 12680% 12681Being a mime means never having to say you're sorry. 12682% 12683Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and 12684stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very 12685opposite applies with the judges. 12686 -- Beyond the Fringe 12687% 12688Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade, 12689since it consists principally of dealings with men. 12690 -- Conrad 12691% 12692Being asked solicitously about the state of her health was becoming bothersome 12693to the pregnant woman at the cocktail party. And yet another guest went over 12694and inquired, "Well, how are you feeling these days?" 12695 "Not too well," said the expectant mother. "You know, I've missed 12696seven or eight periods now and it's beginning to worry me." 12697% 12698Being conservative has never been regarded as old-fashioned. But 12699if you fight for a sensible step in the right direction which others 12700has deserted you will be branded "reactionary". 12701 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 12702% 12703"Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!" <huff, huff> 12704% 12705Being frustrated is disagreeable, but the real 12706disasters in life begin when you get what you want. 12707% 12708Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart 12709enough to understand the game and dumb enough to think it's important. 12710 -- Eugene McCarthy 12711% 12712Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the 12713Boy Scouts have adult supervision. 12714 -- Blake Clark 12715% 12716Being owned by someone used to be called 12717slavery -- now it's called commitment. 12718% 12719Being popular is important. Otherwise people might not like you. 12720% 12721Being the #2 man in the Justice Department under Ed Meese is akin to 12722standing next to a lamp post infested with pigeons. 12723 -- unnamed Justice Department official 12724% 12725Being ugly isn't illegal. Yet. 12726% 12727Belief, n.: 12728 Something you do not believe. 12729% 12730Believe everything you hear about the world; nothing is too 12731impossibly bad. 12732 -- Honore de Balzac 12733% 12734Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone. 12735% 12736Ben, why didn't you tell me? 12737 -- Luke Skywalker 12738% 12739Bennett's Laws of Horticulture: 12740 (1) Houses are for people to live in. 12741 (2) Gardens are for plants to live in. 12742 (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant. 12743% 12744Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence. 12745 -- Time Bandits 12746% 12747Benson's Dogma: 12748 ASCII is our god, and Unix is his profit. 12749% 12750Bento's Law: If It Can Break, It Will Break 12751Bento's Corollary: If It Can Break, Kris Can Send Mail About It 12752% 12753Berkeley had what we called "copycenter," which is "take it down 12754to the copy center and make as many copies as you want." 12755 -- Kirk McKusick 12756% 12757Bernard Shaw is an excellent man; he has not an enemy in the world, and 12758none of his friends like him either. 12759 -- Oscar Wilde 12760% 12761Bernard was a young eighty-three, not a gomer, and able to talk. He'd been 12762transferred from MBH (Man's Best Hospital), the House's Rival. Founded in 12763Colonial times by the WASPs, the insemination of MBH by non-WASPs had taken 12764place only mid-twentieth century with the token multidextrous Oriental 12765surgeon, and finally, with the token red-hot internal-medicine Jew. Yet, 12766MBH was still Brooks Brothers, while the House was still the Garment District. 12767For Jews at MBH the password was "Dress British, Think Yiddish." It was 12768rare to get a TURF from the MBH to the House, and the Fat Man was curious: 12769"Bernard, you went to the MBH, they did a great work-up, and you told them, 12770after they got done, you wanted to be transferred here. Why?" 12771 "I rilly don't know," said Bernard. 12772 "Was it the doctors there? The doctors you didn't like?" 12773 "The doctus? Nah, the doctus I can't complain." 12774 "The test or the room?" 12775 "The tests or the room? Vell, nah, about them I can't complain." 12776 "The nurses? The food?" asked Fats, but Bernard shook his head no. 12777Fats laughed and said, "Listen, Bernie, you went to the MBH, they did this 12778great workup, and when I asked you shy you came to the House of God, all you 12779tell me is, 'Nah, I can't complain.' So why did you come here? Why, Bernie, 12780why?" 12781 "Vhy I come heah? Vell, said Bernie, "Heah I can complain." 12782 -- House of God 12783% 12784Bershere's Formula for Failure: 12785 There are only two kinds of people who fail: those who 12786 listen to nobody... and those who listen to everybody. 12787% 12788Besides the device, the box should contain: 12789 * Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING" 12790 * A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets 12791 and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns. 12792 12793YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable. 12794 12795IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your 12796spouse and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car 12797that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King 12798without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's 12799why." 12800 12801WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret. 12802 -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!" 12803% 12804Best Beer: A panel of tasters assembled by the Consumer's Union in 1969 12805judged Coors and Miller's High Life to be among the very best. Those who 12806doubt that beer is a serious subject might ponder its effect on American 12807history. For example, New England's first colonists decided to drop anchor 12808at Plymouth Rock instead of continuing on to Virginia because, as one of 12809them put it, "We could not now take time for further consideration, our 12810victuals being spent and especially our beer." 12811 -- Felton & Fowler's Best, Worst & Most Unusual 12812% 12813Best Mistakes In Films 12814 In his "Filmgoer's Companion", Mr. Leslie Halliwell helpfully lists 12815four of the cinema's greatest moments which you should get to see if at all 12816possible. 12817 In "Carmen Jones", the camera tracks with Dorothy Dandridge down a 12818street; and the entire film crew is reflected in the shop window. 12819 In "The Wrong Box", the roofs of Victorian London are emblazoned 12820with television aerials. 12821 In "Decameron Nights", Louis Jourdain stands on the deck of his 12822fourteenth century pirate ship; and a white lorry trundles down the hill 12823in the background. 12824 In "Viking Queen", set in the times of Boadicea, a wrist watch is 12825clearly visible on one of the leading characters. 12826 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 12827% 12828Best of all is never to have been born. Second best is to die soon. 12829% 12830Beta test, v.: 12831 To voluntarily entrust one's data, one's livelihood and one's 12832 sanity to hardware or software intended to destroy all three. 12833 In earlier days, virgins were often selected to beta test volcanos. 12834% 12835Better by far you should forget and 12836smile than that you should remember and be sad. 12837 -- Christina Rossetti 12838% 12839Better dead than mellow. 12840% 12841Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come 12842around while you have your life in such a mess. 12843% 12844Better hope you get what you want before you stop wanting it. 12845% 12846Better late than never. 12847 -- Titus Livius (Livy) 12848% 12849Better living a beggar than buried an emperor. 12850% 12851better !pout !cry 12852better watchout 12853lpr why 12854santa claus <north pole >town 12855 12856cat /etc/passwd >list 12857ncheck list 12858ncheck list 12859cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist 12860cat list | grep nice >giftlist 12861santa claus <north pole >town 12862 12863who | grep sleeping 12864who | grep awake 12865who | egrep 'bad|good' 12866for (goodness sake) { 12867 be good 12868} 12869% 12870Better the prince of some inferior court, 12871Than second, or less, in beatific light. 12872 -- Lucifer, Joost van den Vondel's "Lucifer" 12873% 12874Better to be nouveau than never to have been riche at all. 12875% 12876Better to light one candle than to curse the darkness. 12877 -- motto of the Christopher Society 12878% 12879Better to use medicines at the outset than at the last moment. 12880% 12881Better tried by twelve than carried by six. 12882 -- Jeff Cooper 12883% 12884Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson 12885Bay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. 12886Using a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and 12887great effort pushing boulders into a single word. 12888 12889It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow. 12890Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin 12891equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the 12892destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass 12893both Parliament and Party. 12894 12895It stands today, a monument to human spirit. If life exists on other 12896planets, this may be the first message received from us. 12897 -- The Realist, November, 1964 12898% 12899Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree. 12900% 12901Between infinite and short there is a big difference. 12902 -- G. H. Gonnet 12903% 12904Between the idea 12905And the reality 12906Between the motion 12907And the act 12908Falls the Shadow 12909 -- T. S. Eliot, "The Hollow Man" 12910 12911 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 12912 referring to system service dispatching.] 12913% 12914BEWARE! People acting under the influence of human nature. 12915% 12916Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie. 12917% 12918Beware of a tall black man with one blond shoe. 12919% 12920Beware of a tall blond man with one black shoe. 12921% 12922Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather 12923a new wearer of clothes. 12924 -- Henry David Thoreau 12925% 12926Beware of Bigfoot! 12927% 12928Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not 12929tried it. 12930 -- Donald E. Knuth 12931% 12932Beware of computerized fortune-tellers! 12933% 12934Beware of friends who are false and deceitful. 12935% 12936Beware of geeks bearing graft. 12937% 12938Beware of low-flying butterflies. 12939% 12940Beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The 12941danger already exists that the mathematicians have made covenant with 12942the devil to darken the spirit and to confine man in the bonds of hell. 12943 -- St. Augustine 12944% 12945Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers. 12946 -- Leonard Brandwein 12947% 12948Beware of self-styled experts: an ex is a has-been, and a spurt is a 12949drip under pressure. 12950% 12951Beware of strong drink. It can make you 12952shoot at tax collectors -- and miss. 12953 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love" 12954% 12955Beware of the man who knows the answer before he understands the question. 12956% 12957Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything 12958is possible but nothing of interest is easy. 12959% 12960Beware the new TTY code! 12961% 12962Beware the one behind you. 12963% 12964Bi, n.: 12965 When *everybody* thinks you're a pervert. 12966% 12967Bierman's Laws of Contracts: 12968 (1) In any given document, you can't cover all the "what if's". 12969 (2) Lawyers stay in business resolving all the unresolved "what if's". 12970 (3) Every resolved "what if" creates two unresolved "what if's". 12971% 12972Big book, big bore. 12973 -- Callimachus 12974% 12975Big M, Little M, many mumbling mice 12976Are making midnight music in the moonlight, 12977Mighty nice! 12978% 12979Bigamy is having one spouse too many. Monogamy is the same. 12980% 12981Biggest security gap -- an open mouth. 12982% 12983Bilbo's First Law: 12984 You cannot count friends that are all packed up in barrels. 12985% 12986Bill Dickey is learning me his experience. 12987 -- Yogi Berra in his rookie season 12988% 12989Billy: Mom, you know that vase you said was handed down from 12990 generation to generation? 12991Mom: Yes? 12992Billy: Well, this generation dropped it. 12993% 12994Binary, adj.: 12995 Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes. 12996% 12997Bingo, gas station, hamburger with a side order of airplane noise, 12998and you'll be Gary, Indiana. 12999 -- Jessie, "Greaser's Palace" 13000% 13001Bing's Rule: 13002 Don't try to stem the tide -- move the beach. 13003% 13004Biology grows on you. 13005% 13006Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same 13007thing as division. 13008% 13009Bipolar, adj.: 13010 Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo, 13011New York 13012% 13013Birds and bees have as much to do with the facts of life as black 13014nightgowns do with keeping warm. 13015 -- Hester Mundis, "Powermom" 13016% 13017Birds are entangled by their feet and men by their tongues. 13018% 13019Birth, n.: 13020 The first and direst of all disasters. 13021 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 13022% 13023Birthdays are like busses, never the number you want. 13024% 13025Bistromathics is simply a revolutionary new way of understanding the 13026behavior of numbers. Just as Einstein observed that space was not an 13027absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in space, and that 13028time was not an absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in 13029time, so it is now realized that numbers are not absolute, but depend 13030on the observer's movement in restaurants. 13031 -- Douglas Adams, "Life, The Universe and Everything" 13032% 13033Bit, n.: 13034 A unit of measure applied to color. Twenty-four-bit color 13035 refers to expensive $3 color as opposed to the cheaper 25 13036 cent, or two-bit, color that use to be available a few years 13037 ago. 13038% 13039Bit off more than my mind could chew, 13040Shower or suicide, what do I do? 13041 -- Julie Brown, "Will I Make it Through the Eighties?" 13042% 13043Biz is better. 13044% 13045Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic. 13046% 13047Bizoos, n.: 13048 The millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a 13049 basketball. 13050 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 13051% 13052Black people have never rioted. A riot is what white people think blacks 13053are involved in when they burn stores. 13054 -- Julius Lester 13055% 13056Black shiny mollies and bright colored guppies, 13057Shy little angels as gentle as puppies, 13058Swimming and diving with scarcely a swish, 13059They were just some of my tropical fish. 13060 13061Then I got mantas that sting in the water, 13062Deadly piranhas that itch for a slaughter, 13063Savage male betas that bite with a squish, 13064Now I have many less tropical fish. 13065 13066 If you think that 13067 Fish are peaceful 13068 That's an empty wish. 13069 Just dump them together 13070 And leave them alone, 13071 And soon you will have -- no fish. 13072 -- To My Favorite Things 13073% 13074Blackout, heatwave, .44 caliber homicide, 13075The bums drop dead and the dogs go mad in packs on the West Side, 13076A young girl standing on a ledge, looks like another suicide, 13077She wants to hit those bricks, 13078 'cause the news at six got to stick to a deadline, 13079While the millionaires hide in Beekman place, 13080The bag ladies throw their bones in my face, 13081I get attacked by a kid with stereo sound, 13082I don't want to hear it but he won't turn it down... 13083 -- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses" 13084% 13085Blame Saint Andreas -- it's all his fault. 13086% 13087Blessed are the forgetful: for they 13088get the better even of their blunders. 13089 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 13090% 13091Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt. 13092 -- Herbert Hoover 13093% 13094Blessed are they that have nothing to say, and who cannot be persuaded 13095to say it. 13096 -- James Russell Lowell 13097% 13098Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, 13099for they Shall be Known as Wheels. 13100% 13101Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed. 13102 -- W. C. Bennett 13103% 13104Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed. 13105 -- Alexander Pope 13106% 13107Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it, 13108for he shall enjoy living. 13109 -- W. C. Bennett 13110% 13111Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, 13112abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact. 13113 -- George Eliot 13114% 13115Blinding speed can compensate for a lot of deficiencies. 13116 -- David Nichols 13117% 13118BLISS is ignorance. 13119% 13120Blithwapping, v.: 13121 Using anything BUT a hammer to hammer a nail into the 13122 wall, such as shoes, lamp bases, doorstops, etc. 13123 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 13124% 13125Blood flows down one leg and up the other. 13126% 13127Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier. 13128% 13129Bloom's Seventh Law of Litigation: 13130 The judge's jokes are always funny. 13131% 13132Blore's Razor: 13133 Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is 13134funnier. 13135% 13136Blow it out your ear. 13137% 13138Blue paint today. 13139 [Funny to Jack Slingwine, Guy Harris and Hal Pierson. Ed.] 13140% 13141Blutarsky's Axiom: 13142 Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to reason. 13143% 13144Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in 13145plain sight. It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again. The legend has 13146it that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. In fact, he was 13147arrested for drunk driving. The snakes left because people kept 13148throwing up on them. 13149% 13150Body by Nautilus, Brain by Mattel. 13151% 13152Boling's postulate: 13153 If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it. 13154% 13155Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom: 13156 Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so 13157 vividly manifests their lack of progress. 13158% 13159Bombeck's Rule of Medicine: 13160 Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. 13161% 13162Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them 13163seemed to come from Texas. 13164 -- Ian Fleming, "Casino Royale" 13165% 13166Bondage maybe, discipline never! 13167 -- T. K. 13168% 13169Bones: "The man's DEAD, Jim!" 13170% 13171BOO! We changed Coke again! BLEAH! BLEAH! 13172% 13173Boob's Law: 13174 You always find something in the last place you look. 13175% 13176Booker's Law: 13177 An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction. 13178% 13179Bore, n.: 13180 A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary. 13181 -- Walter Winchell 13182% 13183Bore, n.: 13184 A person who talks when you wish him to listen. 13185 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 13186% 13187Boren's Laws: 13188 (1) When in charge, ponder. 13189 (2) When in trouble, delegate. 13190 (3) When in doubt, mumble. 13191% 13192Boss, n.: 13193 According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages 13194the words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss, 13195in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an 13196ornamental stud." 13197% 13198Boston, n.: 13199 An outdoor Betty Ford Clinic. 13200% 13201Boston, n.: 13202 Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for 13203finishing second in the Irish jig competition. 13204% 13205Boston State House is the hub of the Solar System. You couldn't pry 13206that out of a Boston man if you had the tire of all creation 13207straightened out for a crowbar. 13208 -- O. W. Holmes 13209% 13210Both models are identical in performance, functional operation, and 13211interface circuit details. The two models, however, are not compatible 13212on the same communications line connection. 13213 -- Bell System Technical Reference 13214% 13215Boucher's Observation: 13216 He who blows his own horn always plays the music 13217 several octaves higher than originally written. 13218% 13219Bounders get bound when they are caught bounding. 13220 -- Ralph Lewin 13221% 13222Bower's Law: 13223 Talent goes where the action is. 13224% 13225Bowie's Theorem: 13226 If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment. 13227% 13228Boy! Eucalyptus! 13229% 13230Boy, get your head out of the stars above, 13231You get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love. 13232Save your heart and let your body be enough, 13233To get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love. 13234Save your heart and let your body be enough, 13235And get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love. 13236 -- Mac Macinelli, "Minimum Love" 13237% 13238Boy, I sure wish that I could be in the 13239'Advanced Systems Development' group! 13240% 13241Boy, life takes a long time to live. 13242 -- Steven Wright 13243% 13244Boy, n.: 13245 A noise with dirt on it. 13246% 13247Boy, that crayon sure did hurt! 13248% 13249Boycott meat - suck your thumb. 13250% 13251Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least 13252when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years. 13253 -- James Thurber 13254% 13255Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men. 13256 -- Kin Hubbard 13257% 13258Bozo is the Brotherhood of Zips and Others. Bozos are people who band 13259together for fun and profit. They have no jobs. Anybody who goes on a 13260tour is a Bozo. Why does a Bozo cross the street? Because there's a Bozo 13261on the other side. It comes from the phrase vos otros, meaning others. 13262They're the huge, fat, middle waist. The archetype is an Irish drunk 13263clown with red hair and nose, and pale skin. Fields, William Bendix. 13264Everybody tends to drift toward Bozoness. It has Oz in it. They mean 13265well. They're straight-looking except they've got inflatable shoes. They 13266like their comforts. The Bozos have learned to enjoy their free time, 13267which is all the time. 13268 -- The Firesign Theatre, "If Bees Lived Inside Your Head" 13269% 13270Brace yourselves. We're about to try something that borders on the 13271unique: an actually rather serious technical book which is not only 13272(gasp) vehemently anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides. I tend 13273to think of it as `Constructive Snottiness.' 13274 -- Mike Padlipsky, Foreword to "Elements of Networking 13275 Style" 13276% 13277Bradley's Bromide: 13278 If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a 13279committee -- that will do them in. 13280% 13281Brady's First Law of Problem Solving: 13282 When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more 13283easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have 13284handled this?" 13285% 13286Brain fried -- core dumped 13287% 13288Brain, n.: 13289 The apparatus with which we think that we think. 13290 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 13291% 13292Brain, v. [as in "to brain"]: 13293 To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source 13294 of error in an opponent. 13295 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 13296% 13297brain-damaged, generalization of "Honeywell Brain Damage" (HBD), a 13298theoretical disease invented to explain certain utter cretinisms in 13299Multics, adj.: 13300 Obviously wrong; cretinous; demented. There is an implication 13301 that the person responsible must have suffered brain damage, 13302 because he/she should have known better. Calling something 13303 brain-damaged is bad; it also implies it is unusable. 13304% 13305Brandy Davis, an outfielder and teammate of mine with the Pittsburgh Pirates, 13306is my choice for team captain. Cincinnati was beating us 3-1, and I led 13307off the bottom of the eighth with a walk. The next hitter banged a hard 13308single to right field. Feeling the wind at my back, I rounded second and 13309kept going, sliding safely into third base. 13310 With runners at first and third, and home-run hitter Ralph Kiner at 13311bat, our manager put in the fast Brandy Davis to run for the player at first. 13312Even with Kiner hitting and a change to win the game with a home run, Brandy 13313took off for second and made it. Now we had runners at second and third. 13314 I'm standing at third, knowing I'm not going anywhere, and see Brandy 13315start to take a lead. All of a sudden, here he comes. He makes a great slide 13316into third, and I scream, "Brandy, where are you going?" He looks up, and 13317shouts, "Back to second if I can make it." 13318 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game" 13319% 13320Brandy-and-water spoils two good things. 13321 -- Charles Lamb 13322% 13323Breadth-first search is the bulldozer of science. 13324 -- Randy Goebel 13325% 13326Break into jail and claim police brutality. 13327% 13328Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests, 13329since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind. 13330 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 13331% 13332Breathe deep the gathering gloom. 13333Watch lights fade from every room. 13334Bed-sitter people look back and lament; 13335another day's useless energies spent. 13336 13337Impassioned lovers wrestle as one. 13338Lonely man cries for love and has none. 13339New mother picks up and suckles her son. 13340Senior citizens wish they were young. 13341 13342Cold-hearted orb that rules the night; 13343Removes the colors from our sight. 13344Red is grey and yellow white. 13345But we decide which is real, and which is an illusion." 13346 -- The Moody Blues, "Days of Future Passed" 13347% 13348Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience. 13349% 13350Bride, n.: 13351 A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. 13352 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 13353% 13354Bridge ahead. Pay troll. 13355% 13356Briefcase, n.: 13357 A trial where the jury gets together and forms a lynching party. 13358% 13359Briefly stated, the findings are that when presented with an array of 13360data or a sequence of events in which they are instructed to discover 13361an underlying order, subjects show strong tendencies to perceive order 13362and causality in random arrays, to perceive a pattern or correlation 13363which seems a priori intuitively correct even when the actual correlation 13364in the data is counterintuitive, to jump to conclusions about the correct 13365hypothesis, to seek and to use only positive or confirmatory evidence, to 13366construe evidence liberally as confirmatory, to fail to generate or to 13367assess alternative hypotheses, and having thus managed to expose themselves 13368only to confirmatory instances, to be fallaciously confident of the validity 13369of their judgments (Jahoda, 1969; Einhorn and Hogarth, 1978). In the 13370analyzing of past events, these tendencies are exacerbated by failure to 13371appreciate the pitfalls of post hoc analyses. 13372 -- A. Benjamin 13373% 13374Brillineggiava, ed i tovoli slati 13375 girlavano ghimbanti nella vaba; 13376i borogovi eran tutti mimanti 13377 e la moma radeva fuorigraba. 13378 13379"Figliuolo mio, sta' attento al Gibrovacco, 13380 dagli artigli e dal morso lacerante; 13381fuggi l'uccello Giuggiolo, e nel sacco 13382 metti infine il frumioso Bandifante". 13383 -- "The Jabberwock" 13384% 13385Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may 13386revitalize the corner saloon. 13387% 13388Brisk talkers are usually slow thinkers. There is, indeed, no wild beast 13389more to be dreaded than a communicative man having nothing to communicate. 13390If you are civil to the voluble, they will abuse your patience; if 13391brusque, your character. 13392 -- Jonathan Swift 13393% 13394British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive 13395it. If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps. 13396 -- Peter Ustinov 13397% 13398British Israelites: 13399 The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of 13400Britain to be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by 13401Sargon of Assyria on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further 13402believe that the future can be foretold by the measurements of the 13403Great Pyramid, which probably means it will be big and yellow and in 13404the hand of the Arabs. They also believe that if you sleep with your 13405head under the pillow a fairy will come and take all your teeth. 13406 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 13407% 13408Broad-mindedness, n.: 13409 The result of flattening high-mindedness out. 13410% 13411Brogan's Constant: 13412 People tend to congregate in the back 13413 of the church and the front of the bus. 13414% 13415Brokee, n.: 13416 Someone who buys stocks on the advice of a broker. 13417% 13418Brontosaurus Principle: 13419 Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them 13420in relation to their environment and to their own physiology: when 13421this occurs, they are an endangered species. 13422 -- Thomas K. Connellan 13423% 13424Brooke's Law: 13425 Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool 13426 discovers something which either abolishes the system or 13427 expands it beyond recognition. 13428% 13429Brooks' Law: 13430 Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later 13431% 13432Brucify, v.: 13433 1: Kill by nailing onto style(9); "David O'Brien was brucified" 13434 2: Annoy constantly by reminding of potential improvements 13435 [syn: {torment}, {rag}, {tantalize}, {bedevil}, {dun}, 13436 {frustrate}] 13437 3: Fix problems that were indicated in an earlier brucification 13438 (of one of the two other meanings). 13439The word 'brucify' originally comes from the style-reviews of Bruce 13440Evans of the FreeBSD project, but is now also sometimes used for 13441reviews just done in his spirit. 13442% 13443BS: You remind me of a man. 13444B: What man? 13445BS: The man with the power. 13446B: What power? 13447BS: The power of voodoo. 13448B: Voodoo? 13449BS: You do. 13450B: Do what? 13451BS: Remind me of a man. 13452B: What man? 13453BS: The man with the power... 13454 -- Cary Grant, "The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer" 13455% 13456Bubble Memory, n.: 13457 A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's 13458intelligence. See also "vacuum tube". 13459% 13460Buck-passing usually turns out to be a boomerang. 13461% 13462Bucy's Law: 13463 Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. 13464% 13465Bug, n.: 13466 An aspect of a computer program which exists because the 13467programmer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he 13468wrote the program. 13469 13470Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed. 13471 -- Ray Simard 13472% 13473Bug, n.: 13474 An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect. 13475The activity of "debugging", or removing bugs from a program, ends when 13476people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed. 13477 -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984 13478% 13479Bugs, pl. n.: 13480 Small living things that small living boys throw on small 13481 living girls. 13482% 13483Building translators is good clean fun. 13484 -- T. Cheatham 13485% 13486BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the 13487 outfit." 13488GENERAL: "What does that make YOU?" 13489BULLWINKLE: "What else? An executive..." 13490 -- Jay Ward, "Rocky and Bullwinkle" 13491% 13492Bumper sticker: 13493 All the parts falling off this car are 13494 of the very finest British manufacture. 13495% 13496Bunker's Admonition: 13497 You cannot buy beer; you can only rent it. 13498% 13499Burbulation, v.: 13500 The obsessive act of opening and closing a refrigerator door in 13501 an attempt to catch it before the automatic light comes on. 13502 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 13503% 13504Bureau Termination, Law of: 13505 When a government bureau is scheduled to be phased out, 13506 the number of employees in that bureau will double within 13507 12 months after the decision is made. 13508% 13509Bureaucracy, n.: 13510 A method for transforming energy into solid waste. 13511% 13512Bureaucrat, n.: 13513 A person who cuts red tape sideways. 13514 -- J. McCabe 13515% 13516Bureaucrat, n.: 13517 A politician who has tenure. 13518% 13519Bureaucrats cut red tape -- lengthwise. 13520% 13521Burke's Postulates: 13522 Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. 13523 Don't create a problem for which you do not have the answer. 13524% 13525Burn's Hog Weighing Method: 13526 (1) Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a 13527 sawhorse. 13528 (2) Put the hog on one end of the plank. 13529 (3) Pile rocks on the other end until the plank is again 13530 perfectly balanced. 13531 (4) Carefully guess the weight of the rocks. 13532 -- Robert Burns 13533% 13534Burnt Sienna. That's the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas. 13535 -- Ken Weaver 13536% 13537Bus error -- driver executed. 13538% 13539Bus error -- please leave by the rear door. 13540% 13541Bushydo -- the way of the shrub. Bonsai! 13542% 13543Business is a good game -- lots of competition 13544and minimum of rules. You keep score with money. 13545 -- Nolan Bushnell, founder of Atari 13546% 13547Business will be either better or worse. 13548 -- Calvin Coolidge 13549% 13550But Captain -- the engines can't take this much longer! 13551% 13552But don't you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations 13553paws. 13554% 13555But, for my own part, it was Greek to me. 13556 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 13557% 13558But has any little atom, 13559 While a-sittin' and a-splittin', 13560Ever stopped to think or CARE 13561 That E = m c**2 ? 13562% 13563But I always fired into the nearest hill or, failing that, into blackness. 13564I meant no harm; I just liked the explosions. And I was careful never to 13565kill more than I could eat. 13566 -- Raoul Duke 13567% 13568But I don't like Spam!!!! 13569% 13570"But I don't want to go on the cart..." 13571"Oh, don't be such a baby!" 13572"But I'm feeling much better..." 13573"No you're not... in a moment you'll be stone dead!" 13574 -- Monty Python, "The Holy Grail" 13575% 13576But I find the old notions somehow appealing. Not that I want to go 13577back to them -- it is outrageous to have some outer authority tell you 13578what is proper use and abuse of your own faculties, and it is ludicrous 13579to hold reason higher than body or feeling. Still there is something 13580true and profoundly sane about the belief that acts like murder or 13581theft or assault violate the doer as well as the done to. We might 13582even, if we thought this way, have less crime. The popular view of 13583crime, as far as I can deduce it from the movies and television, is 13584that it is a breaking of a rule by someone who thinks they can get away 13585with that; implicitly, everyone would like to break the rule, but not 13586everyone is arrogant enough to imagine they can get away with it. It 13587therefore becomes very important for the rule upholders to bring such 13588arrogance down. 13589 -- Marilyn French, "The Woman's Room" 13590% 13591But if you wish at once to do nothing and to be respectable 13592nowadays, the best pretext is to be at work on some profound study. 13593 -- Leslie Stephen, "Sketches from Cambridge" 13594% 13595But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the 13596system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed, 13597analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses. 13598 -- Bruce Leverett, 13599 "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers" 13600% 13601But it does move! 13602 -- Galileo Galilei 13603% 13604But like the Good Book says... There's BIGGER DEALS to come! 13605% 13606But, Mousie, thou art no thy lane, 13607In proving foresight may be vain: 13608The best laid schemes o' mice an' men 13609Gang aft a-gley, 13610An' lea'e us nought but grief and pain 13611For promised joy. 13612 -- Robert Burns, "To a Mouse", 1785 13613% 13614But, officer, he's not drunk, I just saw his fingers twitch! 13615% 13616But Officer, I stopped for the last one, and it was green! 13617% 13618But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast 13619to the nearest gas station. 13620% 13621But scientists, who ought to know 13622Assure us that it must be so. 13623Oh, let us never, never doubt 13624What nobody is sure about. 13625 -- Hilaire Belloc 13626% 13627But sex and drugs and rock & roll, why, they'd bring our blackest day. 13628% 13629But since I knew now that I could hope for nothing of greater value than 13630frivolous pleasures, what point was there in denying myself of them? 13631 -- M. Proust 13632% 13633But soft you, the fair Ophelia: 13634Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws, 13635But get thee to a nunnery -- go! 13636 -- Mark "The Bard" Twain 13637% 13638But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who 13639was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal 13640education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in 136411877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of 13642American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was 13643invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he 13644invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant 13645adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends 13646electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the 13647electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant 13648part) sends it right back to the customer again. 13649 13650This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch 13651of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since 13652very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely. 13653In fact the last year any new electricity was generated in the United 13654States was 1937; the electric companies have been merely re-selling it 13655ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate 13656increases. 13657 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 13658% 13659But these pills can't be habit forming; 13660I've been taking them for years. 13661% 13662But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad 13663place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge. 13664Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge? What 13665is a kludge, after all, but not enough K's, not enough ROM's, not 13666enough RAM's, poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around? 13667Have I explained yet about the bytes? 13668% 13669But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable 13670computers? 13671% 13672But you shall not escape my iambics. 13673 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus 13674% 13675But you who live on dreams, you are better pleased with the sophistical 13676reasoning and frauds of talkers about great and uncertain matters than 13677those who speak of certain and natural matters, not of such lofty nature. 13678 -- Leonardo da Vinci, "The Codex on the Flight of Birds" 13679% 13680Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes 13681Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn; 13682Less dear than army ants in apple pies 13683Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn, 13684Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit; 13685Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose 13686They suck, and like the double-breasted suit 13687Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose, 13688Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed; 13689And stem the produce of thy waspish wits: 13690Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed; 13691Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits. 13692Be off, I say; go bug somebody new, 13693Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you. 13694% 13695Buzzword, n.: 13696 The fly in the ointment of computer literacy. 13697% 13698By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task 13699completely overwhelm you. 13700% 13701By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail. 13702% 13703By long-standing tradition, I take this opportunity to savage other 13704designers in the thin disguise of good, clean fun. 13705 -- P. J. Plauger, "Computer Language", 1988, April 13706 Fool's column. 13707% 13708By nature, men are nearly alike; 13709by practice, they get to be wide apart. 13710 -- Confucius 13711% 13712By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote. 13713In fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others 13714as it is to invent. 13715 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 13716 -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program 13717 (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.") 13718 [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to 13719 misconstrue all these misquotations?!?" Ed.] 13720% 13721By perseverance the snail reached the Ark. 13722 -- Charles Spurgeon 13723% 13724By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death. 13725 -- Titus Lucretius Carus 13726% 13727By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began 13728to suspect "Hungry" ... 13729 -- Gary Larson, "The Far Side" 13730% 13731By the time you swear you're his, 13732shivering and sighing 13733and he vows his passion is 13734infinite, undying -- 13735Lady, make a note of this: 13736One of you is lying. 13737 -- Dorothy Parker, "Unfortunate Coincidence" 13738% 13739By the yard, life is hard. 13740By the inch, it's a cinch. 13741% 13742By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. 13743Another man's, I mean. 13744 -- Mark Twain 13745% 13746By working faithfully eight hours a day, 13747you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve. 13748 -- Robert Frost 13749% 13750BYOB, v.: 13751 Believing Your Own Bull 13752% 13753Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to 13754point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very 13755fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are 13756often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people 13757from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B 13758that so many people from point A are so keen to get _t_h_e_r_e. They often 13759wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell 13760they wanted to be. 13761 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 13762% 13763BYTE editors are people who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then 13764carefully print the chaff. 13765% 13766Byte your tongue. 13767% 13768C Code. 13769C Code Run. 13770Run, Code, RUN! 13771 PLEASE!!!! 13772% 13773C for yourself. 13774% 13775C++ is the best example of second-system effect since OS/360. 13776% 13777C makes it easy for you to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes that 13778harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg. 13779 -- Bjarne Stroustrup 13780% 13781C, n.: 13782 A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more 13783like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or 13784anything else. It is either the best language available to the art 13785today, or it isn't. 13786 -- Ray Simard 13787% 13788Cabbage, n.: 13789 A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as 13790 a man's head. 13791 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 13792% 13793Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception. 13794 -- The Mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989 13795% 13796Cache: 13797 A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no one 13798 is supposed to know is there. 13799% 13800California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange. 13801 -- Fred Allen 13802% 13803California, n.: 13804 From Latin "calor", meaning "heat" (as in English "calorie" or 13805Spanish "caliente"); and "fornia'" for "sexual intercourse" or 13806"fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex." 13807 -- Ed Moran 13808% 13809Californians are a strange people. They'll put every chemical known to God 13810and man up their nostrils and then laugh at you for putting sugar in your 13811coffee. 13812% 13813Call on God, but row away from the rocks. 13814 -- Indian proverb 13815% 13816Call things by their right names... Glass of brandy and water! That is the 13817current but not the appropriate name: ask for a glass of fire and distilled 13818damnation. 13819 -- Robert Hall, in Olinthus Gregory's, "Brief Memoir of the 13820 Life of Hall" 13821 13822 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 13823 referring to logical names.] 13824% 13825Calling you stupid is an insult to stupid people! 13826 -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda" 13827% 13828Calm down, it's only ones and zeroes, 13829Calm down, it's only bits and bytes, 13830Calm down, and speak to me in English, 13831Please realize that I'm not one of your computerites. 13832% 13833Calvin: "I wonder where we go when we die." 13834Hobbes: "Pittsburgh?" 13835Calvin: "You mean if we're good or if we're bad?" 13836% 13837Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle. 13838 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth 13839% 13840Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth 13841Corner, Vermont. 13842 -- Clarence Darrow 13843% 13844Campbell's Law: 13845 Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter. 13846% 13847Campus crusade for Cthulhu -- it found me. 13848% 13849Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two 13850points. 13851 -- M. M. Johnston 13852% 13853Can anyone remember when the times 13854were not hard, and money not scarce? 13855% 13856Can anything be sadder than work left unfinished? 13857Yes, work never begun. 13858% 13859"Can you be more stupid than aggravating the judge AND your lawyer? 13860No? Oh yes you can: You can aggravate the whole kernel community." 13861 -- Alexander Lyamin (about Hans Reisers murder trial) 13862% 13863Can you buy friendship? You not only can, you must. It's the 13864only way to obtain friends. Everything worthwhile has a price. 13865 -- Robert J. Ringer 13866% 13867Canada Bill Jones's Motto: 13868 It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. 13869 13870Canada Bill Jones's Supplement: 13871 A Smith and Wesson beats four aces. 13872% 13873Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. 13874It's 2 cents for postage and 30 cents for storage. 13875 -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post 13876% 13877Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain? 13878Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes, 13879A root or two, a torus and a node: 13880The inverse of my verse, a null domain. 13881 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 13882% 13883CANCER (June 21 - July 22) 13884 This is a good time for those of you who are rich and happy, 13885but a poor time for those of you born under this sign who are 13886poor and unhappy. To tell you the truth, any day is tough 13887when you're poor and unhappy. 13888% 13889CANCER (June 21 - July 22) 13890 You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's 13891problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things 13892off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare 13893recipients are Cancer people. 13894% 13895Canonical, adj.: 13896 The usual or standard state or manner of something. A true 13897story: One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some 13898annoyance at the use of jargon. Over his loud objections, we made a 13899point of using jargon as much as possible in his presence, and 13900eventually it began to sink in. Finally, in one conversation, he used 13901the word "canonical" in jargon-like fashion without thinking. 13902 Steele: "Aha! We've finally got you talking jargon too!" 13903 Stallman: "What did he say?" 13904 Steele: "He just used `canonical' in the canonical way." 13905% 13906Can't act. Slightly bald. Also dances. 13907 -- RKO executive, reacting to Fred Astaire's screen test 13908 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak" 13909% 13910Can't open /usr/games/fortunes. Lid stuck on cookie jar. 13911% 13912Can't open /usr/share/games/fortune/fortunes.dat. 13913% 13914Capitalism is the extraordinary belief that the nastiest of men, for 13915the nastiest of reasons, will somehow work for the benefit of us all. 13916 -- John Maynard Keynes 13917% 13918CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19) 13919 Play your hunches. This is a day when luck will play an important 13920 part in your life. If you were smarter, you wouldn't need so much 13921 luck and you wouldn't be reading your horoscope, either. You are 13922 a suspicious person, and it will occur to you that astrologers 13923 don't know what they're talking about any more than your Aunt Martha. 13924% 13925CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19) 13926 Follow your instincts. You are much too scatterbrained to do anything 13927 else, such as think. Romance is in the air, but not for you, so forget 13928 it. That pimple on the end of your nose will get worse. 13929% 13930CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19) 13931 You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do 13932much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any 13933importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as 13934they tend to take root and become trees. 13935% 13936Captain Penny's Law: 13937 You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of 13938the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom. 13939% 13940Captain's Log, star date 21:34.5... 13941% 13942Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than 13943expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to 13944complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their 13945planning to reduce the time it takes. 13946% 13947Carmel, New York, has an ordinance forbidding men to wear coats and 13948trousers that don't match. 13949% 13950Carney's Law: There's at least a 50-50 chance that someone will print 13951the name Craney incorrectly. 13952 -- Jim Canrey 13953% 13954Carob works on the principle that, when mixed with the right combination of 13955fats and sugar, it can duplicate chocolate in color and texture. Of course, 13956the same can be said of dirt. 13957% 13958Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.: 13959 The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a 13960dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then 13961putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. 13962 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 13963% 13964Carson's Consolation: 13965 Nothing is ever a complete failure. 13966 It can always be used as a bad example. 13967% 13968Carson's Observation on Footwear: 13969 If the shoe fits, buy the other one too. 13970% 13971Carswell's Corollary: 13972 Whenever man comes up with a better mousetrap, 13973 nature invariably comes up with a better mouse. 13974% 13975Cat, n.: 13976 Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer. 13977% 13978Catch a wave and you're sitting on top of the world. 13979 -- The Beach Boys 13980% 13981Catharsis is something I associate with pornography and crossword puzzles. 13982 -- Howard Chaykin 13983% 13984Catproof is an oxymoron, childproof nearly so. 13985% 13986Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function. 13987 -- Garrison Keillor 13988% 13989Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't make eight cats pull 13990a sled through the snow. 13991% 13992Cats, no less liquid than their shadows, offer no angles to the wind. 13993% 13994Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. 13995 -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson" 13996% 13997Caution: Breathing may be hazardous to your health. 13998% 13999Caution: Keep out of reach of children. 14000% 14001CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh.. 14002% 14003CCI Power 6/40: one board, a megabyte of cache, and an attitude... 14004% 14005Cecil, you're my final hope 14006Of finding out the true Straight Dope 14007For I have been reading of Schrodinger's cat 14008But none of my cats are at all like that. 14009This unusual animal (so it is said) 14010Is simultaneously alive and dead! 14011What I don't understand is just why he 14012Can't be one or the other, unquestionably. 14013My future now hangs in between eigenstates. 14014In one I'm enlightened, in the other I ain't. 14015If *you* understand, Cecil, then show me the way 14016And rescue my psyche from quantum decay. 14017But if this queer thing has perplexed even you, 14018Then I will *_a_n_d* I won't see you in Schrodinger's zoo. 14019 -- Randy F., Chicago, "The Straight Dope, a compendium 14020 of human knowledge" by Cecil Adams 14021% 14022Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch. 14023% 14024Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the 14025center of the universe. The premise is wrong, but the navigation 14026works. An incorrect model can be a useful tool. 14027 -- Kelvin Throop III 14028% 14029Census Taker to Housewife: 14030Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, how many? 14031% 14032Center meeting at 4pm in 2C-543. 14033% 14034Cerebral atrophy, n.: 14035 The phenomena which occurs as brain cells become weak and sick, and 14036impair the brain's performance. An abundance of these "bad" cells can cause 14037symptoms related to senility, apathy, depression, and overall poor academic 14038performance. A certain small number of brain cells will deteriorate due to 14039everyday activity, but large amounts are weakened by intense mental effort 14040and the assimilation of difficult concepts. Many college students become 14041victims of this dread disorder due to poor habits such as overstudying. 14042 14043Cerebral darwinism, n.: 14044 The theory that the effects of cerebral atrophy can be reversed 14045through the purging action of heavy alcohol consumption. Large amounts of 14046alcohol cause many brain cells to perish due to oxygen deprivation. Through 14047the process of natural selection, the weak and sick brain cells will die 14048first, leaving only the healthy cells. This wonderful process leaves the 14049imbiber with a healthier, more vibrant brain, and increases mental capacity. 14050Thus, the devastating effects of cerebral atrophy are reversed, and academic 14051performance actually increases beyond previous levels. 14052% 14053Cerebus: I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel. 14054Jaka: Look, Cerebus -- Jaka has to tell you ... something 14055Cerebus: If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy 14056 out of it? 14057Jaka: Ugh! 14058Cerebus: You don't like apricot brandy? 14059 -- Cerebus #6, "The Secret" 14060% 14061Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long 14062walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They 14063then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy 14064health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, 14065not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find 14066only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the 14067others who have tried it. 14068 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 14069% 14070Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the 14071most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of 14072Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which 14073reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground nuts) Order, the expression 14074nuts shall have reference to such nuts, other than ground nuts, as would 14075but for this amending Order not qualify as nuts (unground) (other than ground 14076nuts) by reason of their being nuts (unground)." 14077 -- Guinness Book of World Records, 1973 14078% 14079Certainly the game is rigged. 14080Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win. 14081 -- Robert A. Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love" 14082% 14083Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, 14084but it's very funny -- 14085 Did you ever try buying them without money? 14086 -- Ogden Nash 14087% 14088C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas la guerre! 14089% 14090C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas l'Informatique. 14091 -- Bosquet [on seeing the IBM 4341] 14092% 14093CF&C stole it, fair and square. 14094 -- Tim Hahn 14095% 14096Chairman of the Bored. 14097% 14098Chamberlain's Laws: 14099 1: The big guys always win. 14100 2: Everything tastes more or less like chicken. 14101% 14102Chance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign. 14103 -- Anatole France 14104% 14105Change your thoughts and you change your world. 14106% 14107Changing husbands/wives is only changing troubles. 14108 -- Kathleen Norris 14109% 14110Chaos is King and Magic is loose in the world. 14111% 14112Chapter 2: Newtonian Growth and Decay 14113 14114 The growth-decay formulas were developed in the trivial fashion by 14115Isaac Newton's famous brother Phigg. His idea was to provide an equation 14116that would describe a quantity that would dwindle and dwindle, but never 14117quite reach zero. Historically, he was merely trying to work out his 14118mortgage. Another versatile equation also emerged, one which would define 14119a function that would continue to grow, but never reach unity. This equation 14120can be applied to charging capacitors, over-damped springs, and the human 14121race in general. 14122% 14123Character density, n.: 14124 The number of very weird people in the office. 14125% 14126Character is what you are in the dark! 14127 -- Lord John Whorfin 14128% 14129Charity begins at home. 14130 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) 14131% 14132Charity, n.: 14133 A thing that begins at home and usually stays there. 14134% 14135Charlie Brown: Why was I put on this earth? 14136Linus: To make others happy. 14137Charlie Brown: Why were others put on this earth? 14138% 14139Charlie was a chemist, 14140But Charlie is no more. 14141What Charlie thought was H2O was H2SO4. 14142% 14143Charm is a way of getting the answer "Yes" -- 14144without having asked any clear question. 14145% 14146Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap. 14147% 14148Check me if I'm wrong, Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers... 14149they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key! 14150% 14151Checkuary, n.: 14152 The thirteenth month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and ends 14153 when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his checks. 14154% 14155Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate. 14156% 14157Cheese -- milk's leap toward immortality. 14158 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play" 14159% 14160Chef, n.: 14161 Any cook who swears in French. 14162% 14163Cheit's Lament: 14164 If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you-- 14165 the next time he's in need. 14166% 14167Chemicals, n.: 14168 Noxious substances from which modern foods are made. 14169% 14170Chemist who falls in acid is absorbed in work. 14171% 14172Chemist who falls in acid will be tripping for weeks. 14173% 14174Chemistry is applied theology. 14175 -- Augustus Stanley Owsley III 14176% 14177Chemistry professors never die, they just fail to react. 14178% 14179Cheops' Law: 14180 Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget. 14181% 14182Chess tonight. 14183% 14184Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire. 14185% 14186Chicago, n.: 14187 Where the dead still vote ... early and often! 14188% 14189Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36: 14190 Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn 14191 headgear where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer". 14192 -- Chicago Reader 3/27/81 14193% 14194Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84: 14195 The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request 14196for overheated passengers. When your timer pops up, the driver will 14197cheerfully baste you. 14198 -- Chicago Reader 5/28/82 14199% 14200Chicagoan: "So, where're you from?" 14201Hoosier: "What's wrong with Indiana?" 14202% 14203Chicken Little only has to be right once. 14204% 14205Chicken Little was right. 14206% 14207Chicken Soup, n.: 14208 An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin, 14209 cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup 14210 can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother. 14211 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 14212% 14213Chihuahuas drive me crazy. I can't stand anything that 14214shivers when it's warm. 14215% 14216Children are like cats, they can tell when you don't like 14217them. That's when they come over and violate your body space. 14218% 14219Children are natural mimics who act like their parents 14220despite every effort to teach them good manners. 14221% 14222Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're 14223going to catch you in next. 14224 -- Franklin P. Jones 14225% 14226Children aren't happy without something to ignore, 14227And that's what parents were created for. 14228 -- Ogden Nash 14229% 14230Children begin by loving their parents. After a time they judge them. 14231Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them. 14232 -- Oscar Wilde 14233% 14234Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually 14235repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. 14236% 14237Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives. 14238 -- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings" 14239% 14240Chinese saying: "He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks." 14241% 14242Chism's Law of Completion: 14243 The amount of time required to complete a government project is 14244 precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it. 14245% 14246Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law: 14247 When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will. 14248% 14249Chivalry, Schmivalry! 14250 Roger the thief has a 14251 method he uses for 14252 sneaky attacks: 14253Folks who are reading are 14254 Characteristically 14255 Always Forgetting to 14256 Guard their own bac ... 14257% 14258Chocolate Chip. 14259% 14260Choose in marriage only a woman whom you would choose as 14261a friend if she were a man. 14262 -- Joubert 14263% 14264Chorus: 14265 Grandma got run over by a reindeer, 14266 Walking home from our house Christmas eve. 14267 You can say there's no such thing as Santa, 14268 But as for me and Grandpa, we believe! 14269She'd been drinking too much eggnog, 14270And we begged her not to go. 14271But she'd forgot her medication, When we found her Christmas morning, 14272And she staggered through the door At the scene of the attack. 14273 out in the snow. She had hoofprints on her forehead, 14274 And incriminating claus-marks on her 14275Now we're all so proud of Grandpa, back. 14276He's been taking this so well. 14277See him in there watching football. I've warned all my friends and 14278Drinking beer and playing cards neighbors, 14279 with cousin Mel. Better watch out for yourselves! 14280 They should never give a license, 14281 To a man who drives a sleigh and 14282 plays with elves! 14283 -- Elmo and Patsy, "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" 14284% 14285Christ: 14286 A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time. 14287% 14288Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint Him. 14289% 14290Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it. 14291 -- George Bernard Shaw 14292% 14293Christmas time is here, by Golly; Kill the turkeys, ducks and chickens; 14294Disapproval would be folly; Mix the punch, drag out the Dickens; 14295Deck the halls with hunks of holly; Even though the prospect sickens, 14296Fill the cup and don't say when... Brother, here we go again. 14297 14298On Christmas day, you can't get sore; Relations sparing no expense'll, 14299Your fellow man you must adore; Send some useless old utensil, 14300There's time to rob him all the more, Or a matching pen and pencil, 14301The other three hundred and sixty-four! Just the thing I need... how nice. 14302 14303It doesn't matter how sincere Hark The Herald-Tribune sings, 14304It is, nor how heartfelt the spirit; Advertising wondrous things. 14305Sentiment will not endear it; God Rest Ye Merry Merchants, 14306What's important is... the price. May you make the Yuletide pay. 14307 Angels We Have Heard On High, 14308Let the raucous sleighbells jingle; Tell us to go out and buy. 14309Hail our dear old friend, Kris Kringle, Sooooo... 14310Driving his reindeer across the sky, 14311Don't stand underneath when they fly by! 14312 -- Tom Lehrer 14313% 14314Churchill's Commentary on Man: 14315 Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the 14316time he will pick himself up and continue on. 14317% 14318Cigarette, n.: 14319 A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in 14320 between. 14321% 14322Cinemuck, n.: 14323 The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which 14324 covers the floors of movie theaters. 14325 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 14326% 14327Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances. 14328 -- Herodotus 14329% 14330Civilization and profits go hand in hand. 14331 -- Calvin Coolidge 14332% 14333Civilization, as we know it, will end sometime this evening. 14334See SYSNOTE tomorrow for more information. 14335% 14336Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities. 14337 -- Mark Twain 14338% 14339Clairvoyant, n.: 14340 A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that 14341which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead. 14342 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 14343% 14344Claret is the liquor for boys; port for men; but he who 14345aspires to be a hero... must drink brandy. 14346 -- Samuel Johnson 14347% 14348Clarke's Conclusion: 14349 Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing. 14350% 14351Class, that's the only thing that counts in life. Class. 14352Without class and style, a man's a bum; he might as well be dead. 14353 -- "Bugsy" Siegel 14354% 14355Class: when they're running you out of town, to look like you're 14356leading the parade. 14357 -- Bill Battie 14358% 14359Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune. 14360 -- Kin Hubbard, "Abe Martin's Sayings" 14361% 14362Clay's Conclusion: 14363 Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster. 14364% 14365Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like 14366shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. 14367 -- Phyllis Diller 14368% 14369Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely. 14370 -- P. J. O'Rourke 14371% 14372CLEVELAND: 14373 Where their last tornado did six 14374 million dollars worth of improvements. 14375% 14376Cleveland still lives. God _m_u_s_t be dead. 14377% 14378Cleveland? 14379Yes, I spent a week there one day. 14380% 14381Climate and Surgery 14382 R C Gilchrist, who was shot by J Sharp twelve days ago, and who 14383received a derringer ball in the right breast, and who it was supposed at 14384the time could not live many hours, was on the street yesterday and the 14385day before - walking several blocks at a time. To those who design to be 14386riddled with bullets or cut to pieces with Bowie-knives, we cordially 14387recommend our Sacramento climate and Sacramento surgery. 14388 -- Sacramento Daily Union, September 11, 1861 14389% 14390Climbing onto a bar stool, a piece of string asked for a beer. 14391 "Wait a minute. Aren't you a string?" 14392 "Well, yes, I am." 14393 "Sorry. We don't serve strings here." 14394 The determined string left the bar and stopped a passer-by. "Excuse, 14395me," it said, "would you shred my ends and tie me up like a pretzel?" The 14396passer-by obliged, and the string re-entered the bar. "May I have a beer, 14397please?" it asked the bartender. 14398 The barkeep set a beer in front of the string, then suddenly stopped. 14399"Hey, aren't you the string I just threw out of here?" 14400 "No, I'm a frayed knot." 14401% 14402Clone, n.: 14403 1. An exact duplicate, as in "our product is a clone of their 14404 product." 2. A shoddy, spurious copy, as in "their product 14405 is a clone of our product." 14406% 14407Clones are people two. 14408% 14409Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery. 14410% 14411Clothes make the man. 14412Naked people have little or no influence on society. 14413 -- Mark Twain 14414% 14415Clovis' Consideration of an Atmospheric Anomaly: 14416 The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated 14417 than by the fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere, 14418 bread becomes hard while crackers become soft. 14419% 14420Coach: Can I draw you a beer, Norm? 14421Norm: No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one. 14422 -- Cheers, No Help Wanted 14423 14424Coach: How about a beer, Norm? 14425Norm: Hey I'm high on life, Coach. Of course, beer is my life. 14426 -- Cheers, No Help Wanted 14427 14428Coach: How's a beer sound, Norm? 14429Norm: I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in. 14430 -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights 14431% 14432Coach: How's it going, Norm? 14433Norm: Daddy's rich and Momma's good lookin'. 14434 -- Cheers, Truce or Consequences 14435 14436Sam: What's up, Norm? 14437Norm: My nipples. It's freezing out there. 14438 -- Cheers, Coach Returns to Action 14439 14440Coach: What's the story, Norm? 14441Norm: Thirsty guy walks into a bar. You finish it. 14442 -- Cheers, Endless Slumper 14443% 14444Coach: What would you say to a beer, Normie? 14445Norm: Daddy wuvs you. 14446 -- Cheers, The Mail Goes to Jail 14447 14448Sam: What'd you like, Normie? 14449Norm: A reason to live. Gimme another beer. 14450 -- Cheers, Behind Every Great Man 14451 14452Sam: What will you have, Norm? 14453Norm: Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass 14454 of whatever comes out of that tap. 14455Sam: Oh, looks like beer, Norm. 14456Norm: Call me Mister Lucky. 14457 -- Cheers, The Executive's Executioner 14458% 14459Coach: What's up, Norm? 14460Norm: Corners of my mouth, Coach. 14461 -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights 14462 14463Coach: What's shaking, Norm? 14464Norm: All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach. 14465 -- Cheers, Snow Job 14466 14467Coach: Beer, Normie? 14468Norm: Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week. 14469 Eh, why not, I'm still young. 14470 -- Cheers, Snow Job 14471% 14472COBOL: 14473 An exercise in Artificial Inelegance. 14474% 14475COBOL: 14476 Completely Over and Beyond reason Or Logic. 14477% 14478COBOL is for morons. 14479 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 14480% 14481COBOL programmers are down in the dumps. 14482% 14483Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan. 14484% 14485Coding is easy; All you do is sit staring at a 14486terminal until the drops of blood form on your forehead. 14487% 14488Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- 14489"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am." 14490 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 14491% 14492Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong. 14493 -- Blair Houghton 14494% 14495Cohen's Law: 14496 There is no bottom to worse. 14497% 14498Cohn's Law: 14499 The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less 14500 time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend 14501 all your time reporting on the nothing you are doing. 14502% 14503Coincidence, n.: 14504 You weren't paying attention to the other half of what was 14505 going on. 14506% 14507Coincidences are spiritual puns. 14508 -- G. K. Chesterton 14509% 14510Cold, adj.: 14511 When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own 14512 pockets. 14513% 14514Cold hands, no gloves. 14515% 14516Cole's Law: 14517 Thinly sliced cabbage. 14518% 14519Collaboration, n.: 14520 A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the 14521 other fellow can spell. 14522% 14523COLLEGE: 14524 The fountains of knowledge, where everyone goes to drink. 14525% 14526College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the 14527faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if 14528the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms, 14529legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the 14530loss to humanity. 14531 -- H. L. Mencken 14532% 14533COLORADO: 14534 Where they don't buy M & M's, 'cause they're so hard to peel. 14535% 14536Colorless green ideas sleep furiously. 14537% 14538Column 1 Column 2 Column 3 14539 145400. integrated 0. management 0. options 145411. total 1. organizational 1. flexibility 145422. systematized 2. monitored 2. capability 145433. parallel 3. reciprocal 3. mobility 145444. functional 4. digital 4. programming 145455. responsive 5. logistical 5. concept 145466. optional 6. transitional 6. time-phase 145477. synchronized 7. incremental 7. projection 145488. compatible 8. third-generation 8. hardware 145499. balanced 9. policy 9. contingency 14550 14551 The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number, then select 14552the corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance, number 257 produces 14553"systematized logistical projection," a phrase that can be dropped into 14554virtually any report with that ring of decisive, knowledgeable authority. "No 14555one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about," says Broughton, 14556"but the important thing is that they're not about to admit it." 14557 -- Philip Broughton, "How to Win at Wordsmanship" 14558% 14559Colvard's Logical Premises: 14560 All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it 14561 won't. 14562 14563Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary: 14564 This is especially true when dealing with someone you're 14565 attracted to. 14566 14567Grelb's Commentary: 14568 Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you. 14569% 14570Come, every frustum longs to be a cone, 14571And every vector dreams of matrices. 14572Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze: 14573It whispers of a more ergodic zone. 14574 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 14575% 14576Come fill the cup and in the fire of spring 14577Your winter garment of repentance fling. 14578The bird of time has but a little way 14579To flutter -- and the bird is on the wing. 14580 -- Omar Khayyam 14581% 14582Come home America. 14583 -- George McGovern, 1972 14584% 14585Come, landlord, fill the flowing bowl until it does run over, 14586Tonight we will all merry be -- tomorrow we'll get sober. 14587 -- John Fletcher, "The Bloody Brother", II, 2 14588% 14589Come, let us hasten to a higher plane, 14590Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn, 14591Their indices bedecked from one to _n, 14592Commingled in an endless Markov chain! 14593 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 14594% 14595Come live with me, and be my love, 14596And we will some new pleasures prove 14597Of golden sands, and crystal brooks, 14598With silken lines, and silver hooks. 14599 -- John Donne 14600% 14601Come live with me and be my love, 14602And we will some new pleasures prove 14603Of golden sands and crystal brooks 14604With silken lines, and silver hooks. 14605There's nothing that I wouldn't do 14606If you would be my POSSLQ. 14607 14608You live with me, and I with you, 14609And you will be my POSSLQ. 14610I'll be your friend and so much more; 14611That's what a POSSLQ is for. 14612 14613And everything we will confess; 14614Yes, even to the IRS. 14615Some day on what we both may earn, 14616Perhaps we'll file a joint return. 14617You'll share my pad, my taxes, joint; 14618You'll share my life - up to a point! 14619And that you'll be so glad to do, 14620Because you'll be my POSSLQ. 14621% 14622Come, muse, let us sing of rats! 14623 -- From a poem by James Grainger (1721-1767) 14624% 14625Come quickly, I am tasting stars! 14626 -- Dom Perignon, upon discovering champagne 14627% 14628Come, you spirits 14629That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here, 14630And fill me, from the crown to the toe, top-full 14631Of direst cruelty! make thick my blood, 14632Stop up the access and passage to remorse 14633That no compunctious visiting of nature 14634Shake my fell purpose, not keep peace between 14635The effect and it! Come to my woman's breasts, 14636And take my milk for gall, you murdering ministers, 14637Wherever in your sightless substances 14638You wait on nature's mischief! Come, thick night, 14639And pall the in the dunnest smoke of hell, 14640That my keen knife see not the wound it makes, 14641Nor heaven peep through the blanket of the dark, 14642To cry `Hold, hold!' 14643 -- Lady Macbeth, "Macbeth" 14644% 14645Comedy, like Medicine, was never meant to be practiced by the general public. 14646% 14647Coming to Stores Near You: 14648 14649101 Grammatically Correct Popular Tunes Featuring: 14650 14651 (You Aren't Anything but a) Hound Dog 14652 It Doesn't Mean a Thing If It Hasn't Got That Swing 14653 I'm Not Misbehaving 14654 14655And A Whole Lot More... 14656% 14657Coming together is a beginning; 14658 keeping together is progress; 14659 working together is success. 14660% 14661Command, n.: 14662 Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in 14663 such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control. 14664% 14665Commit the oldest sins the newest kind of ways. 14666 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" 14667% 14668Commitment, n.: 14669 Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs. 14670 The chicken was involved, the pig was committed. 14671% 14672Committee, n.: 14673 A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group 14674 decide that nothing can be done. 14675 -- Fred Allen 14676% 14677Committee Rules: 14678 (1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner. 14679 (2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this 14680 stamps you as being wise. 14681 (3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the 14682 others. 14683 (4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed. 14684 (5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you 14685 popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for. 14686% 14687Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to 14688be appointed to do the work. 14689% 14690Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at 14691different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing. 14692 -- Clive James 14693% 14694Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius. 14695 -- Josh Billings 14696% 14697Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. 14698 -- Albert Einstein 14699% 14700Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world. 14701Everyone thinks he has enough. 14702 -- Rene Descartes, 1637 14703% 14704Commoner's three laws of ecology: 14705 1) No action is without side-effects. 14706 2) Nothing ever goes away. 14707 3) There is no free lunch. 14708% 14709Communicate! It can't make things any worse. 14710% 14711Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness 14712of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule." 14713 -- David Guaspari 14714% 14715Comparing software engineering to classical engineering assumes that software 14716has the ability to wear out. Software typically behaves, or it does not. It 14717either works, or it does not. Software generally does not degrade, abrade, 14718stretch, twist, or ablate. To treat it as a physical entity, therefore, is 14719misapplication of our engineering skills. Classical engineering deals with 14720the characteristics of hardware; software engineering should deal with the 14721characteristics of *software*, and not with hardware or management. 14722 -- Dan Klein 14723% 14724COMPASS [for the CDC-6000 series] is the sort of assembler 14725one expects from a corporation whose president codes in octal. 14726 -- J. N. Gray 14727% 14728Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses, 14729is in the eye of the beholder. 14730 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter 14731% 14732Competitive fury is not always anger. It is the true missionary's 14733courage and zeal in facing the possibility that one's best may not 14734be enough. 14735 -- Gene Scott 14736% 14737COMPLEX SYSTEM: 14738 One with real problems and imaginary profits. 14739% 14740COMPLIMENT: 14741 When you say something to another which everyone knows isn't true. 14742% 14743Compuberty, n.: 14744 The uncomfortable period of emotional and hormonal changes a 14745 computer experiences when the operating system is upgraded and 14746 a sun4 is put online sharing files. 14747% 14748COMPUTER: 14749 An electronic entity which performs sequences of useful steps in a 14750 totally understandable, rigorously logical manner. If you believe 14751 this, see me about a bridge I have for sale in Manhattan. 14752% 14753Computer programmers do it byte by byte. 14754% 14755Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing. 14756% 14757Computer programs expand so as to fill the core available. 14758% 14759COMPUTER SCIENCE: 14760 1) A study akin to numerology and astrology, but lacking the 14761 precision of the former and the success of the latter. 14762 2) The protracted value analysis of algorithms. 14763 3) The costly enumeration of the obvious. 14764 4) The boring art of coping with a large number of trivialities. 14765 5) Tautology harnessed in the service of Man at the speed of light. 14766 6) The Post-Turing decline in formal systems theory. 14767% 14768Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about 14769telescopes. 14770 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 14771% 14772Computer Science is the only discipline in which we view 14773adding a new wing to a building as being maintenance 14774 -- Jim Horning 14775% 14776Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. 14777% 14778Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. 14779Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable. 14780 -- Gilb 14781% 14782Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. 14783 -- Pablo Picasso 14784% 14785Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in 14786the world that just don't add up. 14787% 14788Computers can't cruise. Meandering is a foreign concept to them. 14789The computer assumes that all behavior is in pursuit of an ultimate 14790goal. Whenever a motorist changes his or her mind and veers off 14791course, the GPS lady issues that snippy announcement: "Recalculating!" 14792 -- Joel Achenbach (www.slate.com, 20 Jun 2008) 14793% 14794Computers don't actually think. 14795 You just think they think. 14796 (We think.) 14797% 14798Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more 14799than the estimate the job will cost. 14800% 14801Conceit causes more conversation than wit. 14802 -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld 14803% 14804Concept, n.: 14805 Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than 14806 $25,000. 14807% 14808Conceptual integrity in turn dictates that the design must proceed 14809from one mind, or from a very small number of agreeing resonant minds. 14810 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month" 14811% 14812Condense soup, not books! 14813% 14814CONFERENCE: 14815 A special meeting in which the boss gathers subordinates to hear 14816 what they have to say, so long as it doesn't conflict with what 14817 he's already decided to do. 14818% 14819Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven; 14820confess them to man and you will be laughed at. 14821 -- Josh Billings 14822% 14823Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career. 14824% 14825Confession is good for the soul only in the sense 14826that a tweed coat is good for dandruff. 14827 -- Peter de Vries 14828% 14829Confessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for 14830the reputation. 14831 -- Lord Thomas Robert Dewar 14832% 14833Confidant, confidante, n.: 14834 One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided to himself by C. 14835 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 14836% 14837Confidence is simply that quiet, assured feeling you have before you 14838fall flat on your face. 14839 -- Dr. L. Binder 14840% 14841Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation. 14842% 14843CONFIRMED BACHELOR: 14844 A man who goes through life without a hitch. 14845% 14846Conflicting research paradigms 14847Have legitimized various crimes. 14848 The worst we can see 14849 Is in psychology, 14850Measuring reaction times. 14851% 14852Conformity is the refuge of the unimaginative. 14853% 14854Confucius say too damn much! 14855% 14856Confucius say too much. 14857 -- Recent Chinese proverb 14858% 14859Confusion will be my epitaph 14860as I walk a cracked and broken path 14861If we make it we can all sit back and laugh 14862but I fear that tomorrow we'll be crying. 14863 -- King Crimson, "In the Court of the Crimson King" 14864% 14865Congratulations! You are the one-millionth user to log into our system. 14866If there's anything special we can do for you, anything at all, don't 14867hesitate to ask! 14868% 14869Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that 14870would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that 14871you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer 14872maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS 14873OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY 14874UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED 14875IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD 14876WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND 14877SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, 14878RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, 14879RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE 14880FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT? 14881 -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!" 14882% 14883Congratulations are in order for Tom Reid. 14884 14885He says he just found out he is the winner of the 2021 Psychic of the 14886Year award. 14887% 14888Congratulations! 14889 14890Some products leave home silently, some go kicking and screaming. If 14891v1.0 was the first born who came downstairs with shoes untied missing 14892a sock and a belt, then this one was a full fledged punk rocker 14893with neon hair and multiple piercings. I believe we squeezed it into 14894a suit and tie and brought its color back to an earth tone before it 14895left. 14896 14897 -- An HP engineering project manager who shall remain 14898 nameless to the development team after releasing 14899 the second version of their product. 14900% 14901Conjecture: All odd numbers are prime. 14902 14903 Mathematician's Proof: 14904 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. By induction, all 14905 odd numbers are prime. 14906 Physicist's Proof: 14907 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is experimental 14908 error. 11 is prime. 13 is prime ... 14909 Engineer's Proof: 14910 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is prime. 14911 11 is prime. 13 is prime ... 14912 Computer Scientist's Proof: 14913 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime... 14914% 14915Connector Conspiracy, n.: 14916 [probably came into prominence with the appearance of the 14917KL-10, none of whose connectors match anything else] The tendency of 14918manufacturers (or, by extension, programmers or purveyors of anything) 14919to come up with new products which don't fit together with the old 14920stuff, thereby making you buy either all new stuff or expensive 14921interface devices. 14922% 14923Conquering Russia should be done steppe by steppe. 14924% 14925Conquering the world on horseback is easy; it is dismounting and 14926governing that is hard. 14927 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan 14928% 14929Conscience doth make cowards of us all. 14930 -- William Shakespeare 14931% 14932Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends. 14933 -- H. L. Mencken 14934% 14935Conscience is defined as the thing that hurts 14936when everything else feels great. 14937% 14938Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking. 14939 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Mencken Chrestomathy" 14940% 14941Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. 14942% 14943Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you 14944wish you weren't. 14945% 14946CONSENT DECREE: 14947 A document in which a hapless company consents never to commit 14948 in the future whatever heinous violations of Federal law it 14949 never admitted to in the first place. 14950% 14951Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich. 14952 -- "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones] 14953% 14954Conservative: 14955 One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead. 14956 -- Leo C. Rosten 14957% 14958Conservative, n.: 14959 A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished 14960 from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others. 14961 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 14962% 14963Consider a spherical bear, in simple harmonic motion... 14964 -- Professor in the UCB physics department 14965% 14966Consider the following axioms carefully: 14967 "Everything's better when it sits on a Ritz." 14968 and 14969 "Everything's better with Blue Bonnet on it." 14970What happens if one spreads Blue Bonnet margarine on a Ritz cracker? The 14971thought is frightening. Is this how God came into being? Try not to 14972consider the fact that "Things go better with Coke". 14973% 14974Consider the little mouse, how sagacious an animal 14975it is which never entrusts its life to one hole only. 14976 -- Titus Maccius Plautus 14977% 14978Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in 14979the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there. 14980 -- Josh Billings 14981% 14982CONSULTANT: 14983 (1) Someone you pay to take the watch off your wrist and tell 14984 you what time it is. (2) (For resume use) The working title 14985 of anyone who doesn't currently hold a job. Motto: Have 14986 Calculator, Will Travel. 14987% 14988CONSULTANT: 14989 An ordinary man a long way from home. 14990% 14991CONSULTANT: 14992 [From con "to defraud, dupe, swindle," or, possibly, French con 14993 (vulgar) "a person of little merit" + sult elliptical form of 14994 "insult."] A tipster disguised as an oracle, especially one who 14995 has learned to decamp at high speed in spite of a large briefcase 14996 and heavy wallet. 14997% 14998CONSULTANT: 14999 Someone who'd rather climb a tree and tell a 15000 lie than stand on the ground and tell the truth. 15001% 15002Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then 15003give it back to them. 15004% 15005CONSULTATION: 15006 Medical term meaning "to share the wealth." 15007% 15008Contemporary American feminism's simplistic psychology is illustrated by 15009the new cliche of the date-rape furor: "`No' always means `no'." Will 15010we ever graduate from the Girl Scouts? "No" has always been, and always 15011will be, part of the dangerous alluring courtship ritual of sex and 15012seduction, observable even in the animal kingdom. 15013 -- Camille Paglia, NY Times, Dec. 14 1990, Op Ed. 15014% 15015"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and 15016if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!" 15017 -- Lewis Carroll, 15018 "Through the Looking-Glass, 15019 and What Alice Found There" (1871) 15020% 15021Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern 15022technology. Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat. 15023% 15024Convention is the ruler of all. 15025 -- Pindar 15026% 15027Conversation enriches the understanding, 15028but solitude is the school of genius. 15029% 15030Conversation, n.: 15031 A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath 15032 is called the listener. 15033% 15034Conway's Law: 15035 In any organization there will always be one person who knows 15036 what is going on. 15037 15038 This person must be fired. 15039% 15040Cops never say good-bye. They're always hoping to see you again in the 15041line-up. 15042 -- Raymond Chandler 15043% 15044COPYING MACHINE: 15045 A device that shreds paper, flashes mysteriously coded messages, 15046 and makes duplicates for everyone in the office who isn't 15047 interested in reading them. 15048% 15049Coronation, n.: 15050 The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and 15051 visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a 15052 dynamite bomb. 15053 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 15054% 15055Correction does much, but encouragement does more. 15056 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 15057% 15058Corrupt, adj.: 15059 In politics, holding an office of trust or profit. 15060% 15061Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a 15062muddle of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can 15063make of capitalism. 15064 -- Walter Lippmann 15065% 15066Corruption is not the No. 1 priority of the Police Commissioner. 15067His job is to enforce the law and fight crime. 15068 -- P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan 15069% 15070Corry's Law: 15071 Paper is always strongest at the perforations. 15072% 15073Couldn't we jury-rig the cat to act as an audio switch, and have it yell 15074at people to save their core images before logging them out? I'm sure 15075the cattle prod would be effective in this regard. In any case, a traverse 15076mounted iguana, while more perverted, gives better traction, not to mention 15077being easier to stake. 15078% 15079Counting in binary is just like counting 15080in decimal -- if you are all thumbs. 15081 -- Glaser and Way 15082% 15083Counting in octal is just like counting 15084in decimal -- if you don't use your thumbs. 15085 -- Tom Lehrer 15086% 15087Courage is fear that has said its prayers. 15088% 15089Courage is grace under pressure. 15090% 15091Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear -- not absence of fear. 15092 -- Mark Twain 15093% 15094Courage is your greatest present need. 15095% 15096Court, n.: 15097 A place where they dispense with justice. 15098 -- Arthur Train 15099% 15100Courtship to marriage, as a very witty prologue to a very dull play. 15101 -- William Congreve 15102% 15103Coward, n.: 15104 One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. 15105 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 15106% 15107Crash programs fail because they are based on the theory that, with 15108nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month. 15109 -- Wernher von Braun 15110% 15111Crazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!! 15112% 15113Creating computer software is always a demanding and painstaking 15114process -- an exercise in logic, clear expression, and almost fanatical 15115attention to detail. It requires intelligence, dedication, and an 15116enormous amount of hard work. But, a certain amount of unpredictable 15117and often unrepeatable inspiration is what usually makes the difference 15118between adequacy and excellence. 15119% 15120Creativity in living is not without its attendant difficulties, for 15121peculiarity breeds contempt. And the unfortunate thing about being 15122ahead of your time when people finally realize you were right, they'll 15123say it was obvious all along. 15124 -- Alan Ashley-Pitt 15125% 15126Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you are doing. 15127% 15128Creativity is not always bred in an environment of tranquility; 15129sometimes you have to squeeze a little to get the paste out of the tube. 15130% 15131Credit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man. 15132 -- James Blish 15133% 15134CREDITOR: 15135 A man who has a better memory than a debtor. 15136% 15137Crenna's Law of Political Accountability: 15138 If you are the first to know about something bad, 15139 you are going to be held responsible for acting on it, 15140 regardless of your formal duties. 15141% 15142Crime does not pay... as well as politics. 15143 -- A. E. Neuman 15144% 15145Critic, n.: 15146 A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries 15147 to please him. 15148 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 15149% 15150Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship. 15151 -- Zeuxis 15152% 15153Critics are like eunuchs in a harem: they know how it's done, they've 15154seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves. 15155 -- Brendan Behan 15156% 15157Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt? 15158 -- Socrates' last words 15159% 15160Croll's Query: 15161 If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of? 15162% 15163Cropp's Law: 15164 The amount of work done varies inversely 15165 with the time spent in the office. 15166% 15167Crucifixes are sexy because there's a naked man on them. 15168 -- Madonna 15169% 15170Cruickshank's Law of Committees: 15171 If a committee is allowed to discuss a bad idea long enough, it 15172 will inevitably decide to implement the idea simply because so 15173 much work has already been done on it. 15174% 15175Crusade for Cthulhu! It Found ME! 15176% 15177Crush! Kill! Destroy! 15178% 15179Cthulhu Cthucks! 15180% 15181Cthulhu for President! 15182 (If you're tired of choosing the lesser of two evils.) 15183% 15184Cthulhu Saves -- in case He's hungry later. 15185% 15186Culture is the habit of being pleased with the best and knowing why. 15187% 15188Cure the disease and kill the patient. 15189 -- Francis Bacon 15190% 15191CURSOR: 15192 One whose program will not run. 15193 -- Robb Russon 15194% 15195Cursor address, n.: 15196 "Hello, cursor!" 15197 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 15198% 15199curtation n. The enforced compression of a string in the fixed-length field 15200environment. 15201 The problem of fitting extremely variable-length strings such as names, 15202addresses, and item descriptions into fixed-length records is no trivial 15203matter. Neglect of the subtle art of curtation has probably alienated more 15204people than any other aspect of data processing. You order Mozart's "Don 15205Giovanni" from your record club, and they invoice you $24.95 for MOZ DONG. 15206The witless mapping of the sublime onto the ridiculous! Equally puzzling is 15207the curtation that produces the same eight characters, THE BEST, whether you 15208order "The Best of Wagner", "The Best of Schubert", or "The Best of the Turds". 15209Similarly, wine lovers buying from computerized wineries twirl their glasses, 15210check their delivery notes, and inform their friends, "A rather innocent, 15211possibly overtruncated CAB SAUV 69 TAL." The squeezing of fruit into 10 15212columns has yielded such memorable obscenities as COX OR PIP. The examples 15213cited are real, and the curtational methodology which produced them is still 15214with us. 15215 15216MOZ DONG n. 15217 Curtation of Don Giovanni by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Lorenzo da 15218Ponte, as performed by the computerized billing ensemble of the Internat'l 15219Preview Society, Great Neck (sic), N.Y. 15220 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 15221% 15222Custer committed Siouxicide. 15223% 15224Cut a man's hand when you fight him. He'll freeze, fascinated by the sight 15225of his own blood. That's when you stick him in the throat. 15226 -- Gerry Youghkins 15227 15228If you look rather casual with the knife when you flick it open, people 15229don't like it. 15230 -- Gerry Youghkins 15231% 15232Cutler Webster's Law: 15233 There are two sides to every argument, unless a person 15234 is personally involved, in which case there is only one. 15235% 15236Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It 15237eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the 15238business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation. 15239 -- Johnny Hart 15240% 15241Cynic, n.: 15242 A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not 15243as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking 15244out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision. 15245 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 15246% 15247Cynic, n.: 15248 Experienced. 15249% 15250Cynic, n.: 15251 One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye. 15252% 15253Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why 15254several of us died of tuberculosis. 15255 -- Jack Handey 15256% 15257<Daibashiw> Wasn't EMACS originally developed as a swap memory stresser, 15258though? 15259 15260<``Erik> lispos emulator? gotta admit it's well featured, the only thing 15261it lacks is a decent editor 15262% 15263DALLAS: 15264 The city that chose Astroturf to 15265 keep the cheerleaders from grazing. 15266% 15267Dallas still lives. God MUST be dead. 15268% 15269Dammit Jim, I'm an actor not a doctor. 15270% 15271Dammit, man, that's unprofessional! A good bartender laughs anyway! 15272% 15273Damn braces. 15274 -- William Blake, "Proverbs of Hell" 15275% 15276Damn, I need a Coke! 15277 -- Dr. William DeVries 15278 [after implanting the first artificial human heart] 15279% 15280DAMN IT, I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE! 15281% 15282Dare to be naive. 15283 -- R. Buckminster Fuller 15284% 15285Dark and lonely on a summer night 15286 Kill my landlord, 15287 Kill my landlord. 15288The watchdog barkin' 15289Do he bite? 15290 Kill my landlord, 15291 Kill my landlord. 15292Slip in his window. 15293Break his neck. 15294Then his house I start to wreck 15295Got no reason, 15296What the heck? 15297 Kill my landlord, 15298 Kill my landlord. 15299 C-I-L-L my landlord! 15300 -- "Images" by Tyrone Green, SNL 15301% 15302Darling: the popular form of address used in speaking to a member of the 15303opposite sex whose name you cannot at the moment remember. 15304 -- Oliver Herford 15305% 15306Darth Vader! Only you would be so bold! 15307 -- Princess Leia Organa 15308% 15309Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie. 15310% 15311DATA: 15312 An accrual of straws on the backs of theories. 15313% 15314DATA: 15315 Computerspeak for "information". Properly pronounced 15316 the way Bostonians pronounce the word for a female child. 15317% 15318Data is not information; 15319Information is not knowledge; 15320Knowledge is not wisdom; 15321 -- Gary Flake 15322% 15323Dave Mack: "Your stupidity, Allen, is simply not up to par." 15324Allen Gwinn: "Yours is." 15325% 15326David Letterman's "Things we can be proud of as Americans": 15327 15328 * Greatest number of citizens who have actually boarded a UFO 15329 * Many newspapers feature "JUMBLE" 15330 * Hourly motel rates 15331 * Vast majority of Elvis movies made here 15332 * Didn't just give up right away during World War II 15333 like some countries we could mention 15334 * Goatees & Van Dykes thought to be worn only by weenies 15335 * Our well-behaved golf professionals 15336 * Fabulous babes coast to coast 15337% 15338David Sarnoff, 1964: "The computer will become the hub of a vast network of 15339remote data stations and information banks feeding into the machine at 15340a transmission rate of a billion or more bits of information a 15341second. Laser channels will vastly increase both data capacity and the 15342speeds with which it will be transmitted. Eventually, a global 15343communications network handling voice, data and facsimile will 15344instantly link man to machine--or machine to machine--by land, air, 15345underwater, and space circuits. [The computer] will affect man's 15346ways of thinking, his means of education, his relationship to his physical 15347and social environment, and it will alter his ways of living... 15348[Before the end of this century, these forces] will coalesce into what 15349unquestionably will become the greatest adventure of the human mind." 15350 -- Eugene Lyons, "David Sarnoff" 1966 15351% 15352Davis' Law of Traffic Density: 15353 The density of rush-hour traffic is directly proportional to 15354 1.5 times the amount of extra time you allow to arrive on time. 15355% 15356Davis's Dictum: 15357 Problems that go away by themselves, come back by themselves. 15358% 15359Dawn, n.: 15360 The time when men of reason go to bed. 15361 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 15362% 15363Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed. 15364% 15365%DCL-E-MEMBAD, bad memory 15366-SYSTEM-F-VMSPDGERS, pudding between the ears 15367% 15368DEADWOOD: 15369 Anyone in your company who is more senior than you are. 15370% 15371Dealing with failure is easy: 15372 Work hard to improve. 15373Success is also easy to handle: 15374 You've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to improve. 15375% 15376Dealing with the problem of pure staff accumulation, 15377all our researches ... point to an average increase of 5.75% per year. 15378 -- C. N. Parkinson 15379% 15380Dear Emily: 15381 How can I choose what groups to post in? 15382 -- Confused 15383 15384Dear Confused: 15385 Pick as many as you can, so that you get the widest audience. After 15386all, the net exists to give you an audience. Ignore those who suggest you 15387should only use groups where you think the article is highly appropriate. 15388Pick all groups where anybody might even be slightly interested. 15389 Always make sure followups go to all the groups. In the rare event 15390that you post a followup which contains something original, make sure you 15391expand the list of groups. Never include a "Followup-to:" line in the 15392header, since some people might miss part of the valuable discussion in 15393the fringe groups. 15394 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 15395% 15396Dear Emily: 15397 I collected replies to an article I wrote, and now it's time to 15398summarize. What should I do? 15399 -- Editor 15400 15401Dear Editor: 15402 Simply concatenate all the articles together into a big file and post 15403that. On USENET, this is known as a summary. It lets people read all the 15404replies without annoying newsreaders getting in the way. Do the same when 15405summarizing a vote. 15406 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 15407% 15408Dear Emily: 15409 I recently read an article that said, "reply by mail, I'll summarize." 15410What should I do? 15411 -- Doubtful 15412 15413Dear Doubtful: 15414 Post your response to the whole net. That request applies only to 15415dumb people who don't have something interesting to say. Your postings are 15416much more worthwhile than other people's, so it would be a waste to reply by 15417mail. 15418 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 15419% 15420Dear Emily: 15421 I saw a long article that I wish to rebut carefully, what should 15422I do? 15423 -- Angry 15424 15425Dear Angry: 15426 Include the entire text with your article, and include your comments 15427between the lines. Be sure to post, and not mail, even though your article 15428looks like a reply to the original. Everybody *loves* to read those long 15429point-by-point debates, especially when they evolve into name-calling and 15430lots of "Is too!" -- "Is not!" -- "Is too, twizot!" exchanges. 15431 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 15432% 15433Dear Emily: 15434 I'm having a serious disagreement with somebody on the net. I 15435tried complaints to his sysadmin, organizing mail campaigns, called for 15436his removal from the net and phoning his employer to get him fired. 15437Everybody laughed at me. What can I do? 15438 -- A Concerned Citizen 15439 15440Dear Concerned: 15441 Go to the daily papers. Most modern reporters are top-notch computer 15442experts who will understand the net, and your problems, perfectly. They 15443will print careful, reasoned stories without any errors at all, and surely 15444represent the situation properly to the public. The public will also all 15445act wisely, as they are also fully cognizant of the subtle nature of net 15446society. 15447 Papers never sensationalize or distort, so be sure to point out things 15448like racism and sexism wherever they might exist. Be sure as well that they 15449understand that all things on the net, particularly insults, are meant 15450literally. Link what transpires on the net to the causes of the Holocaust, if 15451possible. If regular papers won't take the story, go to a tabloid paper -- 15452they are always interested in good stories. 15453% 15454Dear Emily: 15455 I'm still confused as to what groups articles should be posted 15456to. How about an example? 15457 -- Still Confused 15458 15459Dear Still: 15460 Ok. Let's say you want to report that Gretzky has been traded from 15461the Oilers to the Kings. Now right away you might think rec.sport.hockey 15462would be enough. WRONG. Many more people might be interested. This is a 15463big trade! Since it's a NEWS article, it belongs in the news.* hierarchy 15464as well. If you are a news admin, or there is one on your machine, try 15465news.admin. If not, use news.misc. 15466 The Oilers are probably interested in geology, so try sci.physics. 15467He is a big star, so post to sci.astro, and sci.space because they are also 15468interested in stars. Next, his name is Polish sounding. So post to 15469soc.culture.polish. But that group doesn't exist, so cross-post to 15470news.groups suggesting it should be created. With this many groups of 15471interest, your article will be quite bizarre, so post to talk.bizarre as 15472well. (And post to comp.std.mumps, since they hardly get any articles 15473there, and a "comp" group will propagate your article further.) 15474 You may also find it is more fun to post the article once in each 15475group. If you list all the newsgroups in the same article, some newsreaders 15476will only show the article to the reader once! Don't tolerate this. 15477 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 15478% 15479Dear Emily: 15480 Today I posted an article and forgot to include my signature. 15481What should I do? 15482 -- Forgetful 15483 15484Dear Forgetful: 15485 Rush to your terminal right away and post an article that says, 15486"Oops, I forgot to post my signature with that last article. Here 15487it is." 15488 Since most people will have forgotten your earlier article, 15489(particularly since it dared to be so boring as to not have a nice, juicy 15490signature) this will remind them of it. Besides, people care much more 15491about the signature anyway. 15492 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 15493% 15494Dear Emily, what about test messages? 15495 -- Concerned 15496 15497Dear Concerned: 15498 It is important, when testing, to test the entire net. Never test 15499merely a subnet distribution when the whole net can be done. Also put "please 15500ignore" on your test messages, since we all know that everybody always skips 15501a message with a line like that. Don't use a subject like "My sex is female 15502but I demand to be addressed as male." because such articles are read in depth 15503by all USEnauts. 15504 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 15505% 15506Dear Freshman, 15507 You don't know who I am and frankly shouldn't care, but 15508unknown to you we have something in common. We are both rather 15509prone to mistakes. I was elected Student Government President by 15510mistake, and you came to school here by mistake. 15511% 15512Dear Lord: 15513 I just want *_o_n_e* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On 15514the other hand", again. 15515% 15516Dear Lord: Please make my words sweet and tender, for tomorrow I may 15517have to eat them. 15518% 15519Dear Miss Manners: 15520 My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's 15521elbows on the table. However, I have read that one elbow, in between 15522courses, is all right. Which is correct? 15523 15524Gentle Reader: 15525 For the purpose of answering examinations in your home 15526economics class, your teacher is correct. Catching on to this principle 15527of education may be of even greater importance to you now than learning 15528correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners believes that is. 15529% 15530Dear Miss Manners: 15531 Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from 15532your face. 15533 15534Gentle Reader: 15535 Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on 15536your face ... 15537% 15538Dear Miss Manners: 15539I carry a big black umbrella, even if there's just a thirty percent chance of 15540rain. May I ask a young lady who is a stranger to me to share its protection? 15541This morning, I was waiting for a bus in comparative comfort, my umbrella 15542protecting me from the downpour, and noticed an attractive young woman getting 15543soaked. I have often seen her at my bus stop, although we have never spoken, 15544and I don't even know her name. Could I have asked her to get under my 15545umbrella without seeming insulting? 15546 15547Gentle Reader: 15548Certainly. Consideration for those less fortunate than you is always proper, 15549although it would be more convincing if you stopped babbling about how 15550attractive she is. In order not to give Good Samaritanism a bad name, Miss 15551Manners asks you to allow her two or three rainy days of unmolested protection 15552before making your attack. 15553% 15554Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part 15555of this complete breakfast". The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old 15556will be watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a 15557commercial for a children's compressed breakfast compound such as 15558"Froot Loops" or "Lucky Charms", and they always show it sitting on a 15559table next to some actual food such as eggs, and the announcer always 15560says: "Part of this complete breakfast". Doesn't that really mean, 15561"Adjacent to this complete breakfast", or "On the same table as this 15562complete breakfast"? And couldn't they make essentially the same claim 15563if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of shaving cream there, or a 15564dead bat? 15565 15566Answer: Yes. 15567 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" 15568% 15569Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe? 15570 15571Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business 15572signs to alert the reader that an "S" is coming up at the end of a 15573word, as in: WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR 15574ANY ITEM'S. Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when 15575creating hand-lettered small-business signs is that you should put 15576quotation marks around random words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT 15577DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S. 15578 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" 15579% 15580Dear Ms. Postnews: 15581 I couldn't get mail through to somebody on another site. What 15582 should I do? 15583 -- Eager Beaver 15584 15585Dear Eager: 15586 No problem, just post your message to a group that a lot of people 15587read. Say, "This is for John Smith. I couldn't get mail through so I'm 15588posting it. All others please ignore." 15589 This way tens of thousands of people will spend a few seconds scanning 15590over and ignoring your article, using up over 16 man-hours their collective 15591time, but you will be saved the terrible trouble of checking through usenet 15592maps or looking for alternate routes. Just think, if you couldn't distribute 15593your message to 9000 other computers, you might actually have to (gasp) call 15594directory assistance for 60 cents, or even phone the person. This can cost 15595as much as a few DOLLARS (!) for a 5 minute call! 15596 And certainly it's better to spend 10 to 20 dollars of other people's 15597money distributing the message than for you to have to waste $9 on an overnight 15598letter, or even 25 cents on a stamp! 15599 Don't forget. The world will end if your message doesn't get through, 15600so post it as many places as you can. 15601 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 15602% 15603Death before dishonor. 15604But neither before breakfast. 15605% 15606Death comes on every passing breeze, 15607He lurks in every flower; 15608Each season has its own disease, 15609Its peril -- every hour. 15610 -- Reginald Heber 15611% 15612Death has been proven to be 99% fatal in laboratory rats. 15613% 15614Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort 15615of like a shell leaving the nut behind. 15616 -- Erma Bombeck 15617% 15618Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy. 15619% 15620Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. 15621 -- R. Geis 15622% 15623Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings. 15624% 15625Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'. 15626% 15627Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down. 15628% 15629Death is only a state of mind. 15630 15631Only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else. 15632% 15633Death rays don't kill people, people kill people! 15634% 15635Death to all fanatics! 15636% 15637DEATH WISH: 15638 The only wish that always comes true, whether or not one wishes it to. 15639% 15640Debug is human, de-fix divine. 15641% 15642Debugging is anticipated with distaste, performed with reluctance, 15643and bragged about forever. -- Button at the Boston Computer Museum 15644% 15645DEC diagnostics would run on a dead whale. 15646 -- Mel Ferentz 15647% 15648Decemba, n: The 12th month of the year. 15649erra, n: A mistake. 15650faa, n: To, from, or at considerable distance. 15651Linder, n: A female name. 15652memba, n: To recall to the mind; think of again. 15653New Hampsha, n: A state in the northeast United States. 15654New Yaak, n: Another state in the northeast United States. 15655Novemba, n: The 11th month of the year. 15656Octoba, n: The 10th month of the year. 15657ova, n: Location above or across a specified position. What the 15658 season is when the Knicks quit playing. 15659 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary 15660% 15661Decision maker, n.: 15662 The person in your office who was unable to form a task force 15663 before the music stopped. 15664% 15665Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really 15666overwhelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene 15667language may not be used by contestants when addressing members of the 15668judging panel, or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when 15669addressing contestants (unless struck by a boomerang). 15670 -- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing Assoc. 15671% 15672Declared guilty... of displaying feelings of an almost human nature. 15673 -- Pink Floyd, "The Wall" 15674% 15675Decorate your home. It gives the illusion 15676that your life is more interesting than it really is. 15677 -- C. Schultz 15678% 15679"Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of 15680marvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a 15681theory", quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah, 15682those who can claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly 15683blessed. 15684 -- Randy Davis 15685% 15686DEFAULT: 15687 The hardware's, of course. 15688% 15689Default, n.: 15690 [Possibly from Black English "De fault wid dis system is you, 15691mon."] The vain attempt to avoid errors by inactivity. "Nothing will 15692come of nothing: speak again." -- King Lear. 15693 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 15694% 15695Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat. 15696 -- Bill Musselman 15697% 15698#define BITCOUNT(x) (((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255) 15699#define BX_(x) ((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777) \ 15700 - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333) \ 15701 - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111)) 15702 15703 -- really weird C code to count the number of bits in a word 15704% 15705Definitions of hardware and software for dummies: 15706 15707 Hardware is what you kick; 15708 Software is what you curse. 15709% 15710Deflector shields just came on, Captain. 15711% 15712(defun NF (a c) 15713 (cond ((null c) () ) 15714 ((atom (car c)) 15715 (append (list (eval (list 'getchar (list (car c) 'a) (cadr c)))) 15716 (nf a (cddr c)))) 15717 (t (append (list (implode (nf a (car c)))) (nf a (cdr c)))))) 15718 15719(defun AD (want-job challenging boston-area) 15720 (cond 15721 ((or (not (equal want-job 'yes)) 15722 (not (equal boston-area 'yes)) 15723 (lessp challenging 7)) () ) 15724 (t (append (nf (get 'ad 'expr) 15725 '((caaddr 1 caadr 2 car 1 car 1) 15726 (car 5 cadadr 9 cadadr 8 cadadr 9 caadr 4 car 2 car 1) 15727 (car 2 caadr 4))) 15728 (list '851-5071x2661))))) 15729;;; We are an affirmative action employer. 15730% 15731DEJA VU: 15732 French., already seen; unoriginal; trite. 15733 Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced 15734 something actually being encountered for the first time. 15735 Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced 15736 something actually being encountered for the first time. 15737% 15738Delay is preferable to error. 15739 -- Thomas Jefferson 15740% 15741Delay not, Caesar. Read it instantly. 15742 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 3,1 15743 15744Here is a letter, read it at your leisure. 15745 -- William Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" 5,1 15746 15747 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 15748 referring to I/O system services.] 15749% 15750Deliberate provocation of mystical experience, particularly by LSD and 15751related hallucinogens, in contrast to spontaneous visionary experiences, 15752entails dangers that must not be underestimated. Practitioners must take 15753into account the peculiar effects of these substances, namely their ability 15754to influence our consciousness, the innermost essence of our being. The 15755history of LSD to date amply demonstrates the catastrophic consequences that 15756can ensue when its profound effect is misjudged and the substance is mistaken 15757for a pleasure drug. Special internal and external advance preparations 15758are required; with them, an LSD experiment can become a meaningful experience. 15759 -- Dr. Albert Hoffman, the discoverer of LSD 15760 15761I believe that if people would learn to use LSD's vision-inducing capability 15762more wisely, under suitable conditions, in medical practice and in conjunction 15763with meditation, then in the future this problem child could become a wonder 15764child. 15765 -- Dr. Albert Hoffman 15766% 15767Deliberation, n.: 15768 The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is 15769 buttered on. 15770 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 15771% 15772Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow. 15773% 15774Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever 15775skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but oblivious 15776to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, and due to an 15777overdose of fluoride as a child which caused her to suffer from chronic 15778apathy, doomed herself to lie forever on the floor of her life as useless 15779as an appendix and as lonely as a five-hundred pound barbell in a 15780steroid-free fitness center. 15781 -- Winning sentence, 1990 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest 15782% 15783Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about 15784her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad 15785nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth. 15786% 15787Demand the establishment of the government 15788in its rightful home at Disneyland. 15789% 15790Democracy becomes a government of bullies, tempered by editors. 15791 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 15792% 15793Democracy can only be measured on the existence of an opposition. 15794 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 15795% 15796Democracy is a device that ensures we shall be governed no better than 15797we deserve. 15798 -- George Bernard Shaw 15799% 15800Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder 15801aloud what the country could do under first-class management. 15802 -- Senator Soaper 15803% 15804Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the 15805incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few. 15806 -- George Bernard Shaw 15807% 15808Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you 15809don't think. 15810% 15811Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who 15812will get the blame. 15813 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter 15814% 15815Democracy is also a form of worship. 15816It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses. 15817 -- H. L. Mencken 15818% 15819Democracy is good. I say this because other systems are worse. 15820 -- Jawaharlal Nehru 15821% 15822Democracy is the name we give the people whenever we need them. 15823 -- Arman de Caillavet, 1913 15824% 15825Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people 15826are right more than half of the time. 15827 -- E. B. White 15828% 15829Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and 15830deserve to get it good and hard. 15831 -- H. L. Mencken, "Little Book in C major", 1916 15832% 15833Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other 15834forms that have been tried from time to time. 15835 -- Winston Churchill 15836% 15837Democracy, n.: 15838 A government of the masses. Authority derived through mass 15839meeting or any other form of direct expression. Results in mobocracy. 15840Attitude toward property is communistic... negating property rights. 15841Attitude toward law is that the will of the majority shall regulate, 15842whether it is based upon deliberation or governed by passion, 15843prejudice, and impulse, without restraint or regard to consequences. 15844Result is demagogism, license, agitation, discontent, anarchy. 15845 -- U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932), 15846 since withdrawn. 15847% 15848Democracy, n.: 15849 In which you say what you like and do what you're told. 15850 -- Gerald Barry 15851 15852The difference between a Democracy and a Dictatorship is that in a 15853Democracy you vote first and take orders later; in a Dictatorship 15854you don't have to waste your time voting. 15855 -- Charles Bukowski 15856% 15857Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere. 15858Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group. 15859 15860Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA. 15861The remainder is thrown out. 15862 15863Republicans usually wear hats and almost always clean their paint brushes. 15864 15865Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper. 15866Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage. 15867 15868Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car 15869windows by Democrats. 15870 -- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules" 15871% 15872Demographic polls show that you have lost credibility across the 15873board. Especially with those 14 year-old Valley girls. 15874% 15875Dental health is next to mental health. 15876% 15877Dentist, n.: 15878 A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, 15879 pulls coins out of one's pockets. 15880 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 15881% 15882Denver, n.: 15883 A smallish city located just below the "O" in Colorado. 15884% 15885Depart in pieces, i.e., split. 15886% 15887Depart not from the path which fate has assigned you. 15888% 15889Department chairmen never die, they just lose their faculties. 15890% 15891Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, 15892but remember, it didn't help the rabbit. 15893 -- R. E. Shay 15894% 15895Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face. 15896% 15897Der Horizont vieler Menschen ist ein Kreis mit Radius Null - 15898und das nennen sie ihren Standpunkt. 15899% 15900Design, v.: 15901 What you regret not doing later on. 15902% 15903Desist from enumerating your fowl 15904prior to their emergence from the shell. 15905% 15906Despising machines to a man, 15907The Luddites joined up with the Klan, 15908 And ride out by night 15909 In a sheeting of white 15910To lynch all the robots they can. 15911 -- C. M. and G. A. Maxson 15912% 15913Despite all appearances, your boss 15914is a thinking, feeling, human being. 15915% 15916Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will 15917be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over 15918the table. 15919 -- The Anarchist Cookbook 15920% 15921Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't, 15922don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck. 15923 -- Joseph Heller, "God Knows" 15924% 15925Detroit is Cleveland without the glitter. 15926% 15927DeVries' Dilemma: 15928 If you hit two keys on the typewriter, 15929 the one you don't want hits the paper. 15930% 15931Dianetics is a milestone for man comparable to his discovery of 15932fire and superior to his invention of the wheel and the arch. 15933 -- L. Ron Hubbard 15934% 15935Dibble's First Law of Sociology: 15936 Some do, some don't. 15937% 15938Did I say 2? I lied. 15939% 15940Did it ever occur to you that fat chance 15941and slim chance mean the same thing? 15942 15943Or that we drive on parkways and park on driveways? 15944% 15945Did you ever notice that everyone in favour of birth control 15946has already been born? 15947 -- Benny Hill 15948% 15949Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think 15950that's how dogs spend their lives. 15951 -- Sue Murphy 15952% 15953Did you ever wonder what you'd say to God if He sneezed? 15954% 15955Did you hear about the model who sat 15956on a broken bottle and cut a nice figure? 15957% 15958Did you hear that Captain Crunch, Sugar Bear, Tony the Tiger, and 15959Snap, Crackle and Pop were all murdered recently... 15960 15961Police suspect the work of a cereal killer! 15962% 15963Did you hear that there's a group of South American Indians that worship 15964the number zero? 15965 15966Is nothing sacred? 15967% 15968Did you hear that two rabbits escaped from the zoo and so far they have 15969only recaptured 116 of them? 15970% 15971Did you know? 15972 EVERY TIME A LOAF OF BREAD IS BAKED, 15973 APPROXIMATELY 15974 150,000,000 YEASTS ARE 15975 KILLED 15976 15977 Come to the award-winning 1987 film, 15978 "The Very Small and Quiet Screams" 15979 -- a cinematic electromicrograph of yeasts being baked. 15980 15981A must for those who care about yeast, and especially for those who don't. 15982 15983 SPONSORED BY 15984 Brown Anaerobe Rights Coalition (BARC) 15985 Student Bakers for Social Responsibility 15986 Coalition for the ELevation of Life (CELL) 15987 Campus Crusade for Fetal Matters 15988 15989Defend all life: "From greatest to least, from human to yeast!" 15990% 15991Did you know about the -o option of the fortune program? It makes a 15992selection from a set of offensive and/or obscene fortunes. Why not 15993try it, and see how offended you are? The -a ("all") option will 15994select a fortune at random from either the offensive or inoffensive 15995set, and it is suggested that "fortune -a" is the command that you 15996should have in your .profile or .cshrc. file. 15997% 15998Did you know that clones never use mirrors? 15999 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 16000% 16001Did you know that for the price of a 280-Z you can buy two Z-80's? 16002 -- P. J. Plauger 16003% 16004Did you know that if you took all the economists in the world and lined 16005them up end to end, they'd still point in the wrong direction? 16006% 16007Did you know ... 16008 16009That no-one ever reads these things? 16010% 16011Did you know that the voice tapes easily identify the Russian pilot 16012that shot down the Korean jet? At one point he definitely states: 16013 16014 "Natasha! First we shoot jet, then we go after moose and 16015 squirrel." 16016 16017 -- ihuxw!tommyo 16018% 16019Did you know the University of Iowa 16020closed down after someone stole the book? 16021% 16022Didja' ever have to make up your mind, 16023Pick up on one and leave the other behind, 16024It's not often easy, and it's not often kind, 16025Didja' ever have to make up your mind? 16026 -- Lovin' Spoonful 16027% 16028Didja hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper who sold his soul to Santa? 16029% 16030Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a 16031conventional thing to happen to him. 16032 -- John Barrymore's dying words 16033% 16034Die, v.: 16035 To stop sinning suddenly. 16036 -- Elbert Hubbard 16037% 16038Diet Mountain Dew has the same pH and density of urine. 16039 -- Newsweek, 31 July, 1989 16040% 16041Dieters live life in the fasting lane. 16042% 16043Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little. 16044% 16045Digital circuits are made from analog parts. 16046 -- Don Vonada 16047% 16048Dignity is like a flag. 16049It flaps in a storm. 16050 -- Roy Mengot 16051% 16052Dime is money. 16053% 16054Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term, convertible 16055only through the use of weird and unnatural conversion factors. Velocity, 16056for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight. 16057% 16058Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off. 16059% 16060Dinner suggestion #302 (Hacker's De-lite): 16061 1 tin imported Brisling sardines in tomato sauce 16062 1 pouch Chocolate Malt Carnation Instant Breakfast 16063 1 carton milk 16064% 16065Dinosaurs aren't extinct. They've just learned to hide in the trees. 16066% 16067Diogenes, having abandoned his search for 16068truth, is now searching for a good fantasy. 16069% 16070Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone 16071asked him, after a few days. 16072 "Not too bad", replied Diogenes. "I still have my lantern." 16073% 16074Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century. 16075Politics is about surviving until Friday afternoon. 16076 -- Sir Humphrey Appleby 16077% 16078Diplomacy is the art of letting the other party have things your way. 16079 -- Daniele Vare 16080% 16081Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock. 16082 -- Wynn Catlin 16083% 16084Diplomacy is to do and say, the nastiest thing in the nicest way. 16085 -- Balfour 16086% 16087Diplomacy, n.: 16088 Lying in state. 16089% 16090Dirksen's Three Laws of Politics: 16091 16092 1: Get elected. 16093 2: Get re-elected. 16094 3: Don't get mad, get even. 16095 -- Sen. Everett Dirksen 16096% 16097Disbar, n.: 16098 As distinguished from some other bar. 16099% 16100Disc space -- the final frontier! 16101% 16102Disclaimer: Any resemblance between the above views and those of my 16103employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely 16104coincidental. Any resemblance between the above and my own views is 16105non-deterministic. The question of the existence of views in the 16106absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader. 16107The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for 16108the second god coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal, 16109non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.) 16110% 16111Disclaimer: "These opinions are my own, though for a small fee they be 16112yours too." 16113 -- Dave Haynie 16114% 16115DISCLAIMER: 16116Use of this advanced computing technology does not imply 16117an endorsement of Western industrial civilization. 16118% 16119Disclose classified information only when a NEED TO KNOW exists. 16120% 16121Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art. 16122% 16123Disease can be cured; fate is incurable. 16124 -- Chinese proverb 16125% 16126Dishonor will not trouble me, once I am dead. 16127 -- Euripides 16128% 16129Disk crisis, please clean up! 16130% 16131Disks travel in packs. 16132% 16133Disraeli was pretty close: actually, there are Lies, Damn lies, Statistics, 16134Benchmarks, and Delivery dates. 16135% 16136Distance doesn't make you any smaller, 16137but it does make you part of a larger picture. 16138% 16139Distinctive, adj.: 16140 A different color or shape than our competitors. 16141% 16142Distress, n.: 16143 A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend. 16144 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 16145% 16146District of Columbia pedestrians who leap over passing autos to escape 16147injury, and then strike the car as they come down, are liable for any 16148damage inflicted on the vehicle. 16149% 16150Distrust all those who love you extremely upon a very slight 16151acquaintance and without any visible reason. 16152 -- Lord Chesterfield 16153% 16154Ditat Deus. (God enriches.) 16155% 16156Divorce is a game played by lawyers. 16157 -- Cary Grant 16158% 16159Do clones have navels? 16160% 16161Do I like getting drunk? Depends on who's doing the drinking. 16162 -- Amy Gorin 16163% 16164Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery? 16165% 16166Do Miami a favor. When you leave, take someone with you. 16167% 16168Do molecular biologists wear designer genes? 16169% 16170Do more than anyone expects, and pretty soon everyone will expect more. 16171% 16172Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses. 16173% 16174Do not count your chickens before they are hatched. 16175 -- Aesop 16176% 16177Do not despair of life. You have no doubt force enough to overcome 16178your obstacles. Think of the fox prowling through wood and field in 16179a winter night for something to satisfy his hunger. Notwithstanding 16180cold and hounds and traps, his race survives. I do not believe any 16181of them ever committed suicide. 16182 -- Henry David Thoreau 16183% 16184Do not do unto others as you would they should do unto you. 16185Their tastes may not be the same. 16186 -- George Bernard Shaw 16187% 16188Do not drink coffee in early A.M. It will keep you awake until noon. 16189% 16190Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy. 16191 -- Robert A. Heinlein 16192% 16193Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to anger. 16194% 16195Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good 16196with ketchup. 16197% 16198Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, 16199for they become soggy and hard to light. 16200 16201Do not throw cigarette butts in the urinal, 16202for they are subtle and quick to anger. 16203% 16204Do not overtax your powers. 16205% 16206Do not read this fortune under penalty of law. 16207Violators will be prosecuted. 16208(Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.)) 16209% 16210Do not seek death; death will find you. 16211But seek the road which makes death a fulfillment. 16212 -- Dag Hammarskjold 16213% 16214Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight. 16215% 16216Do not stoop to tie your laces in your neighbor's melon patch. 16217% 16218Do not think by infection, catching an opinion like a cold. 16219% 16220Do not try to solve all life's problems at once -- 16221learn to dread each day as it comes. 16222 -- Donald Kaul 16223% 16224Do not underestimate the power of the Farce. 16225% 16226Do not use that foreign word "ideals". We have that excellent native 16227word "lies". 16228 -- Henrik Ibsen, "The Wild Duck" 16229% 16230Do not use the blue keys on this terminal. 16231% 16232Do not worry about which side your 16233bread is buttered on: you eat BOTH sides. 16234% 16235Do nothing unless you must, and when you must act -- hesitate. 16236% 16237Do, or do not; there is no try. 16238% 16239Do people know you have freckles everywhere? 16240% 16241Do something unusual today. Pay a bill. 16242% 16243Do students of Zen Buddhism do Om-work? 16244% 16245Do unto others before they undo you. 16246% 16247Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum. 16248% 16249Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law. 16250 -- Aleister Crowley 16251% 16252Do what you can to prolong your life, 16253in the hope that someday you'll learn what it's for. 16254% 16255Do you believe in intuition? 16256No, but I have a strange feeling that someday I will. 16257% 16258Do you feel personally responsible for the world food shortage? 16259Every time you go to the beach, does the tide come in? 16260Have you ever eaten an entire moose? 16261Can you see your neck? 16262Do joggers take laps around you for exercise? 16263If so, welcome to National Fat Week. 16264This week we'll eat without guilt, and kick off our membership campaign, 16265 ...by force-feeding a box of cornstarch to a skinny person. 16266 -- Garfield 16267% 16268Do you guys know what you're doing, or are you just hacking? 16269% 16270Do you have lysdexia? 16271% 16272Do YOU have redeeming social value? 16273% 16274Do you know, I think that Dr. Swift was silly to laugh about Laputa. 16275I believe it is a mistake to make a mock of people, just because they 16276think. There are ninety thousand people in this world who do not 16277think, for every one who does, and these people hate the thinkers 16278like poison. Even if some thinkers are fanciful, it is wrong to make 16279fun of them for it. Better to think about cucumbers even, than not 16280to think at all. 16281 -- T. H. White 16282% 16283Do you know Montana? 16284% 16285Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education 16286is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't. 16287 -- Pete Seeger 16288% 16289Do you mean that you not only want a wrong 16290answer, but a certain wrong answer? 16291 -- Tobaben 16292% 16293Do you realize the responsibility I carry? I'm the only person standing 16294between Nixon and the White House. 16295 -- John F. Kennedy, in 1960 16296% 16297Do you suffer painful elimination? 16298 -- Donald E. Knuth, "Structured Programming with Gotos" 16299 16300Do you suffer painful recrimination? 16301 -- Nancy Boxer, "Structured Programming with Come-froms" 16302 16303Do you suffer painful illumination? 16304 -- Isaac Newton, "Optics" 16305 16306Do you suffer painful hallucination? 16307 -- Don Juan, cited by Carlos Casteneda 16308% 16309Do you think that illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? 16310% 16311Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he 16312just whipped out a quarter? 16313 -- Steven Wright 16314% 16315Do you think your mother and I should have lived 16316comfortably so long together if ever we had been married? 16317% 16318Do you want to know what's ahead for you, in your happiness at home, 16319your business success? Here's a telling test: Look in the mirror. Is 16320your skin smooth and lovely, your hair gleaming, your make-up glamorous? 16321Are you slender enough for your height? Do you stand erect, confident? 16322Yes? Then you are on your way to success as a woman. 16323 -- Ladies' Home Journal, 1947 advertisement 16324% 16325Do your otters do the shimmy? 16326Do they like to shake their tails? 16327Do your wombats sleep in tophats? 16328Is your garden full of snails? 16329% 16330Do your part to help preserve life on 16331Earth -- by trying to preserve your own. 16332% 16333Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with 16334little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives. 16335 -- Roy G. Blount, Jr. 16336% 16337Documentation: 16338 Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for English 16339 speaking persons. 16340% 16341Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and 16342when it is bad, it is better than nothing. 16343 -- Dick Brandon 16344% 16345Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must 16346be good because the programmers hate it so much. 16347% 16348Does a good farmer neglect a crop he has planted? 16349Does a good teacher overlook even the most humble student? 16350Does a good father allow a single child to starve? 16351Does a good programmer refuse to maintain his code? 16352 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 16353% 16354Does a one-legged duck swim in a circle? 16355% 16356Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? 16357% 16358Dogs just don't seem to be able to tell the difference between important people 16359and the rest of us. 16360% 16361Doin' it in the dark, down in Rock Creek Park. 16362% 16363Doing gets it done. 16364% 16365Don: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill! Was she 16366 pretty? 16367W. C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of 16368 bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have to 16369 sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia. 16370Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative. 16371W. C.: It's almost impossible. 16372 -- W. C. Fields, "The Further Adventures of Larson E. 16373 Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles" 16374% 16375Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow. 16376% 16377Don't abandon hope. 16378Your Captain Midnight decoder ring arrives tomorrow. 16379% 16380Don't assume that every sad-eyed woman has loved and lost -- she may 16381have got him. 16382% 16383Don't be concerned, it will not harm you, 16384It's only me pursuing something I'm not sure of, 16385Across my dreams, with neptive wonder, 16386I chase the bright elusive butterfly of love. 16387% 16388Don't be humble, you're not that great. 16389 -- Golda Meir 16390% 16391Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 16392% 16393Don't be overly suspicious where it's not warranted. 16394% 16395Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say. 16396% 16397Don't buy a landslide. I don't want to have to pay for one more vote 16398than I have to. 16399 -- Joseph P. Kennedy, on JFK's election strategy 16400% 16401Don't change the reason, just change the excuses! 16402 -- Joe Cointment 16403% 16404Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality. 16405% 16406Don't confuse things that need action 16407with those that take care of themselves. 16408% 16409Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today! 16410% 16411Don't crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers! 16412 -- The Firesign Theatre 16413% 16414Don't despair; your ideal lover is waiting for you around the corner. 16415% 16416Don't despise your poor relations, they may become suddenly rich one day. 16417 -- Josh Billings 16418% 16419Don't do the crime, if you can't do the time. 16420 -- Lt. Col. Ollie North 16421% 16422Don't drink when you drive -- you might hit a bump and spill it. 16423% 16424Don't drop acid -- take it pass/fail. 16425 -- Seen in a Ladies Room at Harvard 16426% 16427Don't eat yellow snow. 16428% 16429Don't ever slam a door; you might want to go back. 16430% 16431Don't everyone thank me at once! 16432 -- Han Solo 16433% 16434Don't expect people to keep in step-- 16435it's hard enough just staying in line. 16436% 16437Don't feed the bats tonight. 16438% 16439Don't force it, get a larger hammer. 16440 -- Anthony 16441% 16442Don't get even, get odd. 16443% 16444Don't get mad, get even. 16445 -- Joseph P. Kennedy 16446 16447Don't get even, get jewelry. 16448 -- Anonymous 16449% 16450Don't get mad, get interest. 16451% 16452Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out. 16453% 16454Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they can be terribly 16455misleading. Debug only code. 16456 -- Dave Storer 16457% 16458Don't get to bragging. 16459% 16460"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes 16461you nothing. It was here first." 16462 -- Mark Twain 16463% 16464Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while. 16465% 16466Don't go to bed with no price on your head. 16467 -- Baretta 16468% 16469Don't guess - check your security regulations. 16470% 16471Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon. 16472% 16473Don't have good ideas if you aren't willing to be responsible for them. 16474% 16475Don't hit a man when he's down -- kick him; it's easier. 16476% 16477Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts. 16478% 16479Don't I know you? 16480% 16481Don't interfere with the stranger's style. 16482% 16483Don't just eat a hamburger; eat the HELL out of it. 16484 -- J. R. "Bob" Dobbs 16485% 16486Don't kid yourself. Little is relevant, and nothing lasts forever. 16487% 16488Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today. 16489% 16490Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam. 16491% 16492Don't know what time I'll be back, Mom. 16493Probably soon after she throws me out. 16494% 16495Don't let go of what you've got hold of, 16496until you have hold of something else. 16497 -- First Rule of Wing Walking 16498% 16499Don't let nobody tell you what you cannot do; 16500don't let nobody tell you what's impossible for you; 16501don't let nobody tell you what you got to do, 16502or you'll never know ... what's on the other side of the rainbow... 16503remember, if you don't follow your dreams, 16504you'll never know what's on the other side of the rainbow... 16505 -- melba moore, "the other side of the rainbow" 16506% 16507Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance. 16508% 16509Don't let your status become too quo! 16510% 16511Don't look back, the lemmings might be gaining on you. 16512% 16513Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you. 16514% 16515Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder. 16516% 16517Don't lose 16518Your head 16519To gain a minute 16520You need your head 16521Your brains are in it. 16522 -- Burma Shave 16523% 16524Don't make a big deal out of everything; just deal with everything. 16525% 16526Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. 16527 -- Scottish proverb 16528% 16529Don't mind him; politicians always sound like that. 16530% 16531Don't patch bad code -- rewrite it. 16532 -- Kernighan and Plauger, "The Elements of Programming Style" 16533% 16534Don't plan any hasty moves. 16535You'll be evicted soon anyway. 16536% 16537Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today because 16538if you do it today, you can do it again tomorrow. 16539% 16540Don't put too fine a point to your wit for fear it should get blunted. 16541 -- Miguel de Cervantes 16542% 16543Don't quit now, we might just as well 16544lock the door and throw away the key. 16545% 16546Don't read any sky-writing for the next two weeks. 16547% 16548Don't read everything you believe. 16549% 16550Don't relax! It's only your tension that's holding you together. 16551% 16552Don't remember what you can infer. 16553 -- Harry Tennant 16554% 16555Don't say "yes" until I finish talking. 16556 -- Darryl F. Zanuck 16557% 16558Don't shoot until you're sure you both aren't on the same side. 16559% 16560Don't shout for help at night. You might wake your neighbors. 16561 -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts" 16562% 16563Don't smoke the next cigarette. Repeat. 16564% 16565Don't speak about Time, until you have spoken to him. 16566% 16567Don't steal... the IRS hates competition! 16568% 16569Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business. 16570Cheat. 16571 -- Ambrose Bierce 16572% 16573Don't stop to stomp ants when the elephants are stampeding. 16574% 16575Don't suspect your friends -- turn them in! 16576 -- "Brazil" 16577% 16578Don't sweat it -- it's only ones and zeros. 16579 -- P. Skelly 16580% 16581Don't take a nickel, just hand them your business card. 16582 -- Richard Daley, advising on the safe enjoyment of graft 16583% 16584Don't take life seriously, you'll never get out alive. 16585% 16586Don't take life so serious, son, it ain't nohow permanent. 16587 -- Walt Kelly 16588% 16589Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum, 16590sodomy and the lash. 16591 -- Winston Churchill 16592% 16593Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective. 16594% 16595Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done. 16596 -- James J. Ling 16597% 16598Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to 16599get more wax!! 16600% 16601Don't tell me that worry doesn't do any good. 16602I know better. The things I worry about don't happen. 16603 -- Watchman Examiner 16604% 16605Don't tell me what you dream'd last night for I've been reading Freud. 16606% 16607Don't try to have the last word -- you might get it. 16608 -- Lazarus Long 16609% 16610Don't try to outweird me, three-eyes. I get stranger things than you free 16611with my breakfast cereal. 16612 -- Zaphod Beeblebrox 16613% 16614Don't vote - it only encourages them! 16615% 16616Don't wake me up too soon... 16617Gonna take a ride across the moon... 16618You and me. 16619% 16620Don't worry. Life's too long. 16621 -- Vincent Sardi, Jr. 16622% 16623Don't worry -- the brontosaurus is slow, stupid, and placid. 16624% 16625Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, it starts 16626avoiding you. 16627 -- The Old Farmer's Almanac 16628% 16629Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any 16630good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats. 16631 -- Howard Aiken 16632% 16633Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already 16634tomorrow in Australia. 16635 -- Charles Schultz 16636% 16637Don't Worry, Be Happy. 16638 -- Meher Baba 16639% 16640Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, 16641you can always take something for it. 16642% 16643Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too 16644busy worrying over what you are thinking about them. 16645% 16646Don't worry so loud, your roommate can't think. 16647% 16648Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in? 16649% 16650Don't you wish that all the people who sincerely 16651want to help you could agree with each other? 16652% 16653Don't you wish you had more energy... or less ambition? 16654% 16655Dorothy: How can you talk if you haven't got a brain? 16656Scarecrow: I don't know. But some people without brains do an 16657 awful lot of talking, don't they? 16658 -- Judy Garland and Ray Bolger, "The Wizard of Oz" 16659% 16660Double! 16661% 16662Double-blind Experiment, n.: 16663 An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is 16664fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied 16665by a strong belief in the tooth fairy. 16666% 16667Doubt is a not a pleasant mental state, but certainty is a ridiculous one. 16668 -- Voltaire 16669% 16670Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith. 16671 -- Paul Tillich, German theologian 16672% 16673Down to the Banana Republics, 16674Down to the tropical sun. 16675Go the expatriated Americans, 16676Hoping to find some fun. 16677Some of them go for the sailing, 16678Caught by the lure of the sea. 16679Trying to find what is ailing, 16680Living in the land of the free. 16681Some of them are running from lovers, 16682Leaving no forward address. 16683Some of them are running tons of ganja, 16684Some are running from the IRS. 16685Late at night you will find them, 16686In the cheap hotels and bars. 16687Hustling the senoritas, 16688While they dance beneath the stars. 16689 -- Jimmy Buffet, "Banana Republics" 16690% 16691Down with the categorical imperative! 16692% 16693Dow's Law: 16694 In a hierarchical organization, 16695 the higher the level, the greater the confusion. 16696% 16697Dozens of bears are found dead in Alaska and Canada every summer, killed 16698by blood lost to the voracious mosquito. The estimated life-expectancy 16699of a naked man on the tundra in summer is about 15 minutes. In that 16700time, approximately 250,000 mosquitoes would have drawn enough blood to 16701kill him. 16702 -- Gus McLeavy, "Day-by-Day Trivia Almanac" 16703% 16704Dr. Fritzkee's Lucky Astrology Diet 16705 16706The problem with the diets of today is that most women who do achieve 16707that magic weight, seventy-six pounds, are still fat. Dr. Fritzkee's 16708Lucky Astrology Diet is a sure-fire method of reducing with the added 16709luxury that you never feel hungry. 16710 16711Here's how the diet works: 16712 16713 FOODS ALLOWED 16714First Month: One egg 16715Second Month: A raisin 16716Third Month: Pumpkin pie with whipped cream and chocolate sauce. 16717 16718If after the third month you haven't gotten to your dream weight, try 16719lopping off parts of your body until those scales tip just right for you. 16720% 16721Dr. Jekyll had something to Hyde. 16722% 16723Dr. Livingston? 16724Dr. Livingston I. Presume? 16725% 16726Drakenberg's Discovery: 16727 If you can't seem to find your glasses, 16728 it's probably because you don't have them on. 16729% 16730Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. 16731% 16732Dreams are free, but there's a small charge for alterations. 16733% 16734Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time. 16735% 16736Drew's Law of Highway Biology: 16737 The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front 16738of your eyes. 16739% 16740Drilling for oil is boring. 16741% 16742Drink and dance and laugh and lie 16743Love, the reeling midnight through 16744For tomorrow we shall die! 16745(But, alas, we never do.) 16746 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Flaw in Paganism" 16747% 16748Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it *_i_s* fun trying. 16749% 16750Drinking coffee for instant relaxation? That's like drinking alcohol for 16751instant motor skills. 16752 -- Marc Price 16753% 16754Drinking is not a spectator sport. 16755 -- Jim Brosnan 16756% 16757Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin 16758with, that it's compounding a felony. 16759 -- Robert Benchley 16760% 16761Drinking when we are not thirsty and making love at all seasons, madam: 16762that is all there is to distinguish us from the other animals. 16763 -- Pierre de Beaumarchais, "Le Marriage de Figaro" 16764% 16765Drive defensively, buy a tank. 16766% 16767Driving in Texas is simple. For the first 100 miles you swerve to 16768avoid jackrabbits. For the second 100 miles you hit whatever 16769jackrabbits get in the way. After that you chase off into the 16770brush after them. 16771% 16772Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly pointed out 16773of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening sight I have ever 16774seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing more alarming than a 16775priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand on the child's shoulder. 16776"Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning out of the car. "Run for your 16777life!" 16778% 16779Drop that pickle! 16780% 16781DROP THE DAMN BEAR!!! 16782 -- The Adventurer 16783% 16784Drop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past. 16785 -- The Adventurer 16786% 16787Drug, n.: 16788 A substance that, when injected into a rat, produces a scientific 16789 paper. 16790% 16791Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route! 16792% 16793Drunks are rarely amusing unless they know some good songs and lose a 16794lot a poker. 16795 -- Karyl Roosevelt 16796% 16797Ducharme's Axiom: 16798 If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize 16799 yourself as part of the problem. 16800% 16801Ducharme's Precept: 16802 Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. 16803% 16804Duckies are fun! 16805% 16806Ducks? What ducks?? 16807% 16808Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and 16809it holds the universe together ... 16810 -- Carl Zwanzig 16811% 16812Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders 16813has been discontinued. 16814% 16815Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate 16816and captain of your soul. 16817% 16818Due to lack of disk space, this fortune database has been 16819discontinued. 16820% 16821Dungeons and Dragons is just a lot of Saxon Violence. 16822% 16823During almost fifteen centuries the legal establishment of Christianity has 16824been upon trial. What has been its fruits? More or less, in all places, 16825pride and indolence in the clergy; ignorance and servility in the laity,; 16826in both, superstition, bigotry, and persecution. 16827 -- James Madison 16828% 16829During the next two hours, the system will be going up and down several 16830times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_~{o[po ~y oodsou>#w4k**n~po_~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o 16831% 16832During the Reagan-Mondale debates: 16833 16834Q: "Do you feel that a person's age affects his ability to 16835 perform as president?" 16836Reagan: "I refuse to make an issue out of my opponent's youth and 16837 inexperience." 16838% 16839During the voyage of life, remember to keep an eye out for a 16840fair wind; batten down during a storm; hail all passing ships; 16841and fly your colors proudly. 16842% 16843Dustin Farnum: Why, yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats! 16844Oliver Herford: Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of it! 16845 -- Brian Herbert, "Classic Comebacks" 16846% 16847Duty, n.: 16848 What one expects from others. 16849 -- Oscar Wilde 16850% 16851Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. My advice to you is to have 16852nothing whatever to do with it. 16853 -- W. Somerset Maugham, his last words 16854% 16855Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult. 16856 -- Actor Edmond Gween, on his deathbed 16857% 16858Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. 16859 -- Woody Allen 16860% 16861E = MC ** 2 +- 3db 16862% 16863E Pluribus UNIX. 16864% 16865Each man is his own prisoner, in solitary confinement for life. 16866% 16867Each new user of a new system uncovers a new class of bugs. 16868 -- Kernighan 16869% 16870Each of these cults correspond to one of the two antagonists in the age of 16871Reformation. In the realm of the Apple Macintosh, as in Catholic Europe, 16872worshipers peer devoutly into screens filled with "icons." All is sound and 16873imagery and Appledom. Even words look like decorative filigrees in exotic 16874typefaces. The greatest icon of all, the inviolable Apple itself, stands in 16875the dominate position at the upper-left corner of the screen. A central 16876corporate headquarters decrees the form of all rites and practices. 16877Infallible doctrine issues from one executive officer whose selection occurs 16878in a sealed board room. Should anyone in his curia question his powers, the 16879offender is excommunicated into outer darkness. The expelled heretic founds 16880a new company, mutters obscurely of the coming age and the next computer, 16881then disappears into silence, taking his stockholders with him. The mother 16882company forbids financial competition as sternly as it stifles ideological 16883competition; if you want to use computer programs that conform to Apple's 16884orthodoxy, you must buy a computer made and sold by Apple itself. 16885 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988 16886% 16887Each of us bears his own Hell. 16888 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) 16889% 16890Each person has the right to take part in the management of public affairs 16891in his country, provided he has prior experience, a will to succeed, a 16892university degree, influential parents, good looks, a curriculum vitae, two 168933 X 4 snapshots, and a good tax record. 16894% 16895Each person has the right to take the subway. 16896% 16897Eagleson's Law: 16898 Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more 16899months, might as well have been written by someone else. (Eagleson is 16900an optimist, the real number is more like three weeks.) 16901% 16902EARL GREY PROFILES 16903 16904NAME: Jean-Luc Perriwinkle Picard 16905OCCUPATION: Starship Big Cheese 16906AGE: 94 16907BIRTHPLACE: Paris, Terra Sector 16908EYES: Grey 16909SKIN: Tanned 16910HAIR: Not much 16911LAST MAGAZINE READ: 16912 Lobes 'n' Probes, the Ferengi-Betazoid Sex Quarterly 16913TEA: Earl Grey. Hot. 16914 16915EARL GREY NEVER VARIES. 16916% 16917Earl Wiener, 55, a University of Miami professor of management 16918science, telling the Airline Pilots Association (in jest) about 1691921st century aircraft: 16920 16921 "The crew will consist of one pilot and a dog. The pilot will 16922 nurture and feed the dog. The dog will be there to bite the 16923 pilot if he touches anything. 16924 -- Fortune, Sept. 26, 1988 16925% 16926Early to bed and early to rise and you'll 16927be groggy when everyone else is wide awake. 16928% 16929Early to rise and early to bed makes 16930a man healthy and wealthy and dead. 16931 -- James Thurber 16932% 16933Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends. 16934% 16935Earth Destroyed by Solar Flare -- film clips at eleven. 16936% 16937/earth: file system full. 16938% 16939/Earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can. 16940% 16941Earth is a beta site. 16942% 16943Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun. 16944 -- Jeff Berner 16945% 16946Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube: 16947 Black. Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the 16948cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of 16949the plastic underneath -- black. According to the instructions, this 16950means the puzzle is solved. 16951 -- Steve Rubenstein 16952% 16953Easy come and easy go, 16954 some call me easy money, 16955Sometimes life is full of laughs, 16956 and sometimes it ain't funny 16957You may think that I'm a fool 16958 and sometimes that is true, 16959But I'm goin' to heaven in a flash of fire, 16960 with or without you. 16961 -- Hoyt Axton 16962% 16963Eat as much as you like -- just don't swallow it. 16964 -- Harry Secombe's diet 16965% 16966Eat, drink, and be merry! Tomorrow you may be in Utah. 16967% 16968Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal. 16969% 16970Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we diet. 16971% 16972Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work. 16973% 16974Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse 16975will happen to you the rest of the day. 16976 16977[Well, actually, to either of you... Ed.] 16978% 16979Eat right, stay fit, and die anyway. 16980% 16981Eat the rich, the poor are tough and stringy. 16982% 16983Eating chocolate is like being in love without the aggravation. 16984% 16985Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists. 16986 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 16987% 16988Economics, n.: 16989 Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J. K. Galbraith. 16990 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 16991% 16992Economies of scale: 16993 The notion that bigger is better. In particular, that if you want 16994 a certain amount of computer power, it is much better to buy one 16995 biggie than a bunch of smallies. Accepted as an article of faith 16996 by people who love big machines and all that complexity. Rejected 16997 as an article of faith by those who love small machines and all 16998 those limitations. 16999% 17000Economist, n.: 17001 Someone who's good with figures, but doesn't have enough 17002 personality to become an accountant. 17003% 17004Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy 17005would turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it 17006hasn't. 17007 -- Robert Orben 17008% 17009Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a 17010percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor. 17011 -- Edgar R. Fiedler 17012% 17013Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent. 17014 -- Fred Allen 17015% 17016Editing is a rewording activity. 17017% 17018Education and religion are two things not regulated by supply and 17019demand. The less of either the people have, the less they want. 17020 -- Charlotte Observer, 1897 17021% 17022Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to 17023time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught. 17024 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Critic as Artist" 17025% 17026Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know. 17027 -- Daniel J. Boorstin 17028% 17029Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine. 17030 -- Irwin Edman 17031% 17032Education is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten. 17033 -- B. F. Skinner 17034% 17035Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead 17036to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters 17037of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with 17038royal-blue chickens. 17039 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 17040% 17041Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak! 17042 -- Bullwinkle J. Moose 17043% 17044Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks. 17045 -- Adlai E. Stevenson 17046% 17047Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many 17048people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from. The first syllable 17049comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg". I don't know where 17050the "nog" comes from. 17051 17052To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine, gin and, if they are in 17053season, eggs... 17054% 17055Ego sum ens omnipotens 17056% 17057Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain 17058of being a damned fool. 17059 -- Bellamy Brooks 17060% 17061Egotism is the anesthetic which numbs the pain of stupidity. 17062% 17063Egotism, n.: 17064 Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen. 17065% 17066Egotist, n.: 17067 A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me. 17068 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 17069% 17070egrep -n '^[a-z].*\(' $ | sort -t':' +2.0 17071% 17072Ehrman's Commentary: 17073 (1) Things will get worse before they get better. 17074 (2) Who said things would get better? 17075% 17076Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees. 17077 -- Ronald Reagan, famous movie star 17078% 17079...eighty years later he could still recall with the young pang of his 17080original joy his falling in love with Ada. 17081 -- Nabokov 17082% 17083Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because 17084God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software 17085engineer. 17086 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr. 17087% 17088Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped. 17089 -- Groucho Marx' last words 17090% 17091Elbonics, v.: 17092 The actions of two people maneuvering for one 17093 armrest in a movie theatre. 17094 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 17095% 17096Eleanor Rigby 17097Sits at the keyboard and waits for a line on the screen 17098Lives in a dream 17099Waits for a signal, finding some code that will 17100 make the machine do some more. 17101What is it for? 17102 17103All the lonely users, where do they all come from? 17104All the lonely users, why does it take so long? 17105 17106Hacker MacKensie 17107Writing the code for a program that no one will run 17108It's nearly done 17109Look at him working, fixing the bugs in the night when there's 17110 nobody there. 17111What does he care? 17112 17113All the lonely users, where do they all come from? 17114All the lonely users, why does it take so long? 17115Ah, look at all the lonely users. 17116Ah, look at all the lonely users. 17117% 17118ELECTRIC JELL-O 17119 171202 boxes JELL-O brand gelatin 2 packages Knox brand unflavored gelatin 171212 cups fruit (any variety) 2+ cups water 171221/2 bottle Everclear brand grain alcohol 17123 17124Mix JELL-O and Knox gelatin into 2 cups of boiling water. Stir 'til 17125 fully dissolved. 17126Pour hot mixture into a flat pan. (JELL-O molds won't work.) 17127Stir in grain alcohol instead of usual cold water. Remove any congealing 17128 glops of slime. (Alcohol has an unusual effect on excess JELL-O.) 17129Pour in fruit to desired taste, and to absorb any excess alcohol. 17130Mix in some cold water to dilute the alcohol and make it easier to eat for 17131 the faint of heart. 17132Refrigerate overnight to allow mixture to fully harden. (About 8-12 hours.) 17133Cut into squares and enjoy! 17134 17135WARNING: 17136 Keep ingredients away from open flame. Not recommended for 17137 children under eight years of age. 17138% 17139Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance. 17140% 17141Electrocution, n.: 17142 Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements. 17143% 17144Elegance and truth are inversely related. 17145 -- Becker's Razor 17146% 17147Elephant, n.: 17148 A mouse built to government specifications. 17149% 17150Elevators smell different to midgets. 17151% 17152Eleventh Law of Acoustics: 17153 In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between 17154 frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they 17155 are all merely transforms of one another. This combined with 17156 minimalization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct 17157 compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can 17158 lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost. However, 17159 of course, this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd. 17160% 17161Eli and Bessie went to sleep. 17162In the middle of the night, Bessie nudged Eli. 17163 "Please be so kindly and close the window. It's cold outside!" 17164Half asleep, Eli murmured, 17165 "Nu ... so if I'll close the window, will it be warm outside?" 17166% 17167Elliptic paraboloids for sale. 17168% 17169Elliptical, n.: 17170 The feel of a kiss. 17171% 17172Eloquence is logic on fire. 17173% 17174Elwood: What kind of music do you get here ma'am? 17175Barmaid: Why, we get both kinds of music, Country and Western. 17176% 17177Emacs, n.: 17178 A slow-moving parody of a text editor. 17179% 17180Emerson's Law of Contrariness: 17181 Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we 17182can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it. 17183% 17184Encyclopedia for sale by father. 17185Son knows everything. 17186% 17187Encyclopedia Salesmen: 17188 Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police 17189and tell them your house is being burgled. 17190 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 17191% 17192Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless. 17193Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop. 17194 -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary 17195% 17196Endless the world's turn, endless the sun's spinning 17197Endless the quest; 17198I turn again, back to my own beginning, 17199And here, find rest. 17200% 17201Enemy -- SP (Suppressive Person) Order. Fair Game. May be deprived of 17202property or injured by any means by any Scientologist without any discipline 17203of the Scientologist. May be tricked, sued or lied to or destroyed. 17204 -- L. Ron Hubbard, "Fair Game Doctrine" 17205% 17206Engineering: "How will this work?" 17207Science: "Why will this work?" 17208Management: "When will this work?" 17209Liberal Arts: "Do you want fries with that?" 17210% 17211English literature's performing flea. 17212 -- Sean O'Casey on P. G. Wodehouse 17213% 17214Engram, n.: 17215 1. The physical manifestation of human memory -- "the engram." 172162. A particular memory in physical form. [Usage note: this term is no longer 17217in common use. Prior to Wilson and Magruder's historic discovery, the nature 17218of the engram was a topic of intense speculation among neuroscientists, 17219psychologists, and even computer scientists. In 1994 Professors M. R. Wilson 17220and W. V. Magruder, both of Mount St. Coax University in Palo Alto, proved 17221conclusively that the mammalian brain is hardwired to interpret a set of 17222thirty seven genetically transmitted cooperating TECO macros. Human memory 17223was shown to reside in 1 million Q-registers as Huffman coded uppercase-only 17224ASCII strings. Interest in the engram has declined substantially since that 17225time.] 17226 -- New Century Unabridged English Dictionary, 17227 3rd edition, 2007 A.D. 17228% 17229Enhance, v.: 17230 To tamper with an image, usually to its detriment. 17231% 17232Enjoy your life; be pleasant and gay, like the birds in May. 17233% 17234Enjoy yourself while you're still old. 17235% 17236Entrepreneur, n.: 17237 A high-rolling risk taker who would rather 17238 be a spectacular failure than a dismal success. 17239% 17240Entropy isn't what it used to be. 17241% 17242Entropy requires no maintenance. 17243 -- Markoff Chaney 17244% 17245Envy is a pain of mind that successful men cause their neighbors. 17246 -- Onasander 17247% 17248Envy, n.: 17249 Wishing you'd been born with an unfair advantage, 17250 instead of having to try and acquire one. 17251% 17252Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which 17253otherwise require harder thinking. 17254 -- Jerome Lettvin 17255% 17256Epperson's law: 17257 When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably 17258 something his wife can beat him at. 17259% 17260Equal bytes for women. 17261% 17262Ere the cock crows thrice one of you will betray me. 17263 -- Early Jewish Resistance Leader 17264% 17265Ernest asks Frank how long he has been working for the company. 17266 "Ever since they threatened to fire me." 17267% 17268Error in operator: add beer 17269% 17270Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven 17271 Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben; 17272Und aller-m"umsige Burggoven 17273 Dir mohmen R"ath ausgraben. 17274 -- Lewis Carroll, 17275 "Through the Looking-Glass, 17276 and What Alice Found There" (1871) 17277% 17278Eschew obfuscation. 17279% 17280Established technology tends to persist in the face of new technology. 17281 -- G. Blaauw, one of the designers of System 360 17282% 17283E.T. GO HOME!!! (And take your Smurfs with you.) 17284% 17285Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. 17286 -- Woody Allen 17287% 17288Eternity is a terrible thought. I mean, where's it going to end? 17289 -- Tom Stoppard 17290% 17291Etiquette is for those with no breeding; 17292fashion for those with no taste. 17293% 17294Etymology, n.: 17295 Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that 17296were hard for the public to believe. The term "etymology" was formed 17297from the Latin "etus" ("eaten"), the root "mal" ("bad"), and "logy" 17298("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are hard to swallow." 17299 -- Mike Kellen 17300% 17301Euch ist bekannt, was wir beduerfen; 17302Wir wollen stark Getraenke schluerfen. 17303 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, "Faust" 17304% 17305Eudaemonic research proceeded with the casual mania peculiar to this part of 17306the world. Nude sunbathing on the back deck was combined with phone calls to 17307Advanced Kinetics in Costa Mesa, American Laser Systems in Goleta, Automation 17308Industries in Danbury, Connecticut, Arenberg Ultrasonics in Jamaica Plain, 17309Massachusetts, and Hewlett Packard in Sunnyvale, California, where Norman 17310Packard's cousin, David, presided as chairman of the board. The trick was to 17311make these calls at noon, in the hope that out-to-lunch executives would return 17312them at their own expense. Eudaemonic Enterprises, for all they knew, might be 17313a fast-growing computer company branching out of the Silicon Valley. Sniffing 17314the possibility of high-volume sales, these executives little suspected that 17315they were talking on the other end of the line to a naked physicist crazed 17316over roulette. 17317 -- Thomas Bass, "The Eudaemonic Pie" 17318% 17319Eureka! 17320 -- Archimedes 17321% 17322Even a blind pig stumbles upon a few acorns. 17323% 17324Even a cabbage may look at a king. 17325% 17326Even a hawk is an eagle among crows. 17327% 17328Even a man who is pure at heart, 17329And says his prayers at night 17330Can become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms, 17331And the moon is full and bright. 17332 -- The Wolf Man, 1941 17333% 17334Even God lends a hand to honest boldness. 17335 -- Menander 17336% 17337Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to 17338speak it to? 17339 -- Clarence Darrow 17340% 17341Even if you persuade me, you won't persuade me. 17342 -- Aristophanes 17343% 17344Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. 17345 -- Will Rogers 17346% 17347Even in the moment of our earliest kiss, 17348When sighed the straitened bud into the flower, 17349Sat the dry seed of most unwelcome this; 17350And that I knew, though not the day and hour. 17351Too season-wise am I, being country-bred, 17352To tilt at autumn or defy the frost: 17353Snuffing the chill even as my fathers did, 17354I say with them, "What's out tonight is lost." 17355I only hoped, with the mild hope of all 17356Who watch the leaf take shape upon the tree, 17357A fairer summer and a later fall 17358Than in these parts a man is apt to see, 17359And sunny clusters ripened for the wine: 17360I tell you this across the blackened vine. 17361 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay, "Even in the Moment of 17362 Our Earliest Kiss", 1931 17363% 17364Even moderation ought not to be practiced to excess. 17365% 17366Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral. 17367 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 17368% 17369Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United 17370States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only two cents a 17371day. 17372% 17373Events are not affected, they develop. 17374 -- Sri Aurobindo 17375% 17376Ever feel like life was a game and you had the wrong instruction book? 17377% 17378Ever feel like you're the head pin on life's 17379bowling alley, and everyone's rolling strikes? 17380% 17381Ever get the feeling that the world's 17382on tape and one of the reels is missing? 17383 -- Rich Little 17384% 17385Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you 17386just how busy they are? 17387% 17388Ever notice that the word "therapist" breaks down into "the rapist"? 17389Simple coincidence? 17390Maybe... 17391% 17392Ever Onward! Ever Onward! 17393That's the sprit that has brought us fame. 17394We're big but bigger we will be, 17395We can't fail for all can see, that to serve humanity 17396Has been our aim. 17397Our products now are known in every zone. 17398Our reputation sparkles like a gem. 17399We've fought our way thru 17400And new fields we're sure to conquer, too 17401For the Ever Onward IBM! 17402 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook 17403% 17404Ever Onward! Ever Onward! 17405We're bound for the top to never fall, 17406Right here and now we thankfully 17407Pledge sincerest loyalty 17408To the corporation that's the best of all 17409Our leaders we revere and while we're here, 17410Let's show the world just what we think of them! 17411So let us sing men -- Sing men 17412Once or twice, then sing again 17413For the Ever Onward IBM! 17414 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook 17415% 17416Ever since I was a young boy, 17417I've hacked the ARPA net, 17418From Berkeley down to Rutgers, He's on my favorite terminal, 17419Any access I could get, He cats C right into foo, 17420But ain't seen nothing like him, His disciples lead him in, 17421On any campus yet, And he just breaks the root, 17422That deaf, dumb, and blind kid, Always has full SYS-PRIV's, 17423Sure sends a mean packet. Never uses lint, 17424 That deaf, dumb, and blind kid, 17425 Sure sends a mean packet. 17426He's a UNIX wizard, 17427There has to be a twist. 17428The UNIX wizard's got Ain't got no distractions, 17429Unlimited space on disk. Can't hear no whistles or bells, 17430How do you think he does it? Can't see no message flashing, 17431I don't know. Types by sense of smell, 17432What makes him so good? Those crazy little programs, 17433 The proper bit flags set, 17434 That deaf, dumb, and blind kid, 17435 Sure sends a mean packet. 17436 -- UNIX Wizard 17437% 17438Ever since prehistoric times, wise men have tried to understand what, 17439exactly, make people laugh. That's why they were called "wise men." 17440All the other prehistoric people were out puncturing each other with 17441spears, and the wise men were back in the cave saying: "How about: 17442Would you please take my wife? No. How about: Here is my wife, please 17443take her right now. No. How about: Would you like to take something? 17444My wife is available. No. How about ..." 17445 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" 17446% 17447Ever wonder if taxation without representation might have been cheaper? 17448% 17449Ever wonder why fire engines are red? 17450 17451Because newspapers are read too. 17452Two and Two is four. 17453Four and four is eight. 17454Eight and four is twelve. 17455There are twelve inches in a ruler. 17456Queen Mary was a ruler. 17457Queen Mary was a ship. 17458Ships sail the sea. 17459There are fishes in the sea. 17460Fishes have fins. 17461The Fins fought the Russians. 17462Russians are red. 17463Fire engines are always rush'n. 17464Therefore fire engines are red. 17465% 17466Ever wondered about the origins of the term "bugs" as applied to computer 17467technology? U.S. Navy Capt. Grace Murray Hopper has firsthand explanation. 17468The 74-year-old captain, who is still on active duty, was a pioneer in 17469computer technology during World War II. At the C. W. Post Center of Long 17470Island University, Hopper told a group of Long Island public school adminis- 17471trators that the first computer "bug" was a real bug--a moth. At Harvard 17472one August night in 1945, Hopper and her associates were working on the 17473"granddaddy" of modern computers, the Mark I. "Things were going badly; 17474there was something wrong in one of the circuits of the long glass-enclosed 17475computer," she said. "Finally, someone located the trouble spot and, using 17476ordinary tweezers, removed the problem, a two-inch moth. From then on, when 17477anything went wrong with a computer, we said it had bugs in it." Hopper 17478said that when the veracity of her story was questioned recently, "I referred 17479them to my 1945 log book, now in the collection of the Naval Surface Weapons 17480Center, and they found the remains of that moth taped to the page in 17481question." 17482 [actually, the term "bug" had even earlier usage in 17483 regard to problems with radio hardware. Ed.] 17484% 17485Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it. 17486% 17487Every cloud engenders not a storm. 17488 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 17489% 17490Every cloud has a silver lining; 17491you should have sold it, and bought titanium. 17492% 17493Every country has the government it deserves. 17494 -- Joseph De Maistre 17495% 17496Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt. 17497% 17498Every day it's the same thing -- variety. I want something different. 17499% 17500Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God. 17501 -- Lenny Bruce 17502% 17503Every dog has its day, but the nights belong to the pussycats. 17504% 17505Every four seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this 17506woman and stop her. 17507% 17508Every group has a couple of experts. And every group has at least one 17509idiot. Thus are balance and harmony (and discord) maintained. It's 17510sometimes hard to remember this in the bulk of the flamewars that all 17511of the hassle and pain is generally caused by one or two 17512highly-motivated, caustic twits. 17513 -- Chuq Von Rospach, about Usenet 17514% 17515Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired 17516signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not 17517fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not 17518spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the 17519genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way 17520of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is 17521humanity hanging on a cross of iron. 17522 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, April 16, 1953 17523% 17524Every Horse has an Infinite Number of Legs (proof by intimidation): 17525 17526Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in 17527front they have fore-legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an 17528odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both even 17529and odd is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of 17530legs. Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere, 17531there is a horse that has a finite number of legs. But that is a horse 17532of another color, and by the [above] lemma ["All horses are the same 17533color"], that does not exist. 17534% 17535Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible. 17536 -- Frank Moore Colby 17537% 17538Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it. 17539% 17540Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own. 17541 -- Don Vonada 17542% 17543Every love's the love before 17544In a duller dress. 17545 -- Dorothy Parker, "Summary" 17546% 17547Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95. 17548% 17549Every man is apt to form his notions of things difficult to be apprehended, 17550or less familiar, from their analogy to things which are more familiar. 17551Thus, if a man bred to the seafaring life, and accustomed to think and talk 17552only of matters relating to navigation, enters into discourse upon any other 17553subject; it is well known, that the language and the notions proper to his 17554own profession are infused into every subject, and all things are measured 17555by the rules of navigation: and if he should take it into his head to 17556philosophize concerning the faculties of the mind, it cannot be doubted, 17557but he would draw his notions from the fabric of the ship, and would find 17558in the mind, sails, masts, rudder, and compass. 17559 -- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764 17560% 17561Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse. 17562 -- Miguel de Cervantes 17563% 17564Every man takes the limits of his own field 17565of vision for the limits of the world. 17566 -- Schopenhauer 17567% 17568Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich 17569and powerful know that he is. 17570 -- Jean Anouilh, "The Lark" 17571% 17572Every man who has reached even his intellectual teens begins to suspect 17573that life is no farce; that it is not genteel comedy even; that it flowers 17574and fructifies on the contrary out of the profoundest tragic depths of the 17575essential death in which its subject's roots are plunged. The natural 17576inheritance of everyone who is capable of spiritual life is an unsubdued 17577forest where the wolf howls and the obscene bird of night chatters. 17578 -- Henry James Sr., writing to his sons Henry and William 17579% 17580Every man who is high up likes to think that he has done 17581it all himself, and the wife smiles and lets it go at that. 17582 -- Barrie 17583% 17584Every morning, I get up and look through the "Forbes" list of the 17585richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work. 17586 -- Robert Orben 17587% 17588Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up. It knows it must run faster 17589than the fastest lion or it will be killed. Every morning a lion wakes up. 17590It knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death. 17591It doesn't matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle: when the sun comes 17592up, you'd better be running. 17593% 17594Every morning is a Smirnoff morning. 17595% 17596Every night my prayers I say, 17597 And get my dinner every day; 17598And every day that I've been good, 17599 I get an orange after food. 17600The child that is not clean and neat, 17601 With lots of toys and things to eat, 17602He is a naughty child, I'm sure-- 17603 Or else his dear papa is poor. 17604 -- Robert Louis Stevenson 17605% 17606Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an orthonormal basis. 17607 17608It makes sense, when you don't think about it. 17609% 17610Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels 17611start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and 17612then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the 17613music at top volume and at least a pint of ether. 17614 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" 17615% 17616Every one says that politicians lie all the time, and that just isn't so! 17617But you do have to understand body language to know when they're lying and 17618when they aren't. 17619 17620 When a politician rubs his nose, he isn't lying. 17621 When a politician tugs on his ear, he isn't lying. 17622 When a politician scratches his collar bone, he isn't lying. 17623 When his mouth starts moving, that's when he's lying! 17624% 17625Every paper published in a respectable journal should have a preface by 17626the author stating why he is publishing the article, and what value he 17627sees in it. I have no hope that this practice will ever be adopted. 17628 -- Morris Kline 17629% 17630Every path has its puddle. 17631% 17632Every person, all the events in your life are there because you have 17633drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you. 17634 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul 17635% 17636Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one 17637instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every 17638program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work. 17639% 17640Every program has (at least) two purposes: 17641 the one for which it was written and another for which it wasn't. 17642% 17643Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits. 17644% 17645Every silver lining has a cloud around it. 17646% 17647Every Solidarity center had piles and piles of paper ... everyone was 17648eating paper and a policeman was at the door. Now all you have to do is 17649bend a disk. 17650 -- A member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity, 17651 commenting on the benefits of using computers in support 17652 of their movement. 17653% 17654Every solution breeds new problems. 17655% 17656Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no 17657guarantee of eventual success. 17658% 17659Every suicide is a solution to a problem. 17660 -- Jean Baechler 17661% 17662Every time I look at you I am more convinced of Darwin's theory. 17663% 17664Every time I lose weight, it finds me again! 17665% 17666Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it. 17667% 17668Every time you manage to close the door on 17669Reality, it comes in through the window. 17670% 17671Every why hath a wherefore. 17672 -- William Shakespeare, "A Comedy of Errors" 17673% 17674Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness. 17675 -- Beckett 17676% 17677Every young man should have a hobby: learning how to handle money is 17678the best one. 17679 -- Jack Hurley 17680% 17681Everybody but Sam had signed up for a new company pension plan that 17682called for a small employee contribution. The company was paying all 17683the rest. Unfortunately, 100% employee participation was needed; 17684otherwise the plan was off. Sam's boss and his fellow workers pleaded 17685and cajoled, but to no avail. Sam said the plan would never pay off. 17686Finally the company president called Sam into his office. 17687 "Sam," he said, "here's a copy of the new pension plan and here's 17688a pen. I want you to sign the papers. I'm sorry, but if you don't sign, 17689you're fired. As of right now." 17690 Sam signed the papers immediately. 17691 "Now," said the president, "would you mind telling me why you 17692couldn't have signed earlier?" 17693 "Well, sir," replied Sam, "nobody explained it to me quite so 17694clearly before." 17695% 17696Everybody has something to conceal. 17697 -- Humphrey Bogart 17698% 17699Everybody is given the same amount of hormones, at birth, and 17700if you want to use yours for growing hair, that's fine with me. 17701% 17702Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. 17703 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 17704% 17705Everybody knows that the dice are loaded. Everybody rolls with their 17706fingers crossed. Everybody knows the war is over. Everybody knows the 17707good guys lost. Everybody knows the fight was fixed: the poor stay 17708poor, the rich get rich. That's how it goes. Everybody knows. 17709 17710Everybody knows that the boat is leaking. Everybody knows the captain 17711lied. Everybody got this broken feeling like their father or their dog 17712just died. 17713 17714Everybody talking to their pockets. Everybody wants a box of chocolates 17715and long stem rose. Everybody knows. 17716 17717Everybody knows that you love me, baby. Everybody knows that you really 17718do. Everybody knows that you've been faithful, give or take a night or 17719two. Everybody knows you've been discreet, but there were so many people 17720you just had to meet without your clothes. And everybody knows. 17721 17722And everybody knows it's now or never. Everybody knows that it's me or you. 17723And everybody knows that you live forever when you've done a line or two. 17724Everybody knows the deal is rotten: Old Black Joe's still pickin' cotton 17725for you ribbons and bows. And everybody knows. 17726 -- Leonard Cohen, "Everybody Knows" 17727% 17728Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money. 17729 -- Arthur Miller 17730% 17731Everybody needs a little love sometime; 17732stop hacking and fall in love! 17733% 17734Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. 17735% 17736Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had 17737to be taught how not to. So it is with the great programmers. 17738% 17739Everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgment. 17740% 17741Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid. 17742% 17743Everyone is a genius. It's just that some people are too stupid to 17744realize it. 17745% 17746Everyone is entitled to my opinion. 17747% 17748Everyone is in the best seat. 17749 -- John Cage 17750% 17751Everyone is more or less mad on one point. 17752 -- Rudyard Kipling 17753% 17754Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic 17755formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the 17756scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact 17757wholly unconcerned with what _d_o_e_s exist. Indeed, the banality of 17758existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to 17759discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the 17760problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the 17761mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were all, 17762one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely 17763different way ... 17764 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 17765% 17766Everyone talks about apathy, but no one _d_o_e_s anything about it. 17767% 17768Everyone wants results, but no one is willing to do what it takes 17769to get them. 17770 -- Dirty Harry 17771% 17772Everyone was born right-handed. 17773Only the greatest overcome it. 17774% 17775Everyone who comes in here wants three things: 17776 1. They want it quick. 17777 2. They want it good. 17778 3. They want it cheap. 17779I tell 'em to pick two and call me back. 17780 -- sign on the back wall of a small printing company 17781% 17782Everyone's in a high place when you're on your knees. 17783% 17784Everything bows to success, even grammar. 17785% 17786Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous". 17787% 17788Everything ends badly. Otherwise it wouldn't end. 17789% 17790Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening. 17791 -- Alexander Woollcott 17792% 17793Everything in this book may be wrong. 17794 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul 17795% 17796Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately, 17797no one we know belongs. 17798% 17799Everything is possible. Pass the word. 17800 -- Rita Mae Brown, "Six of One" 17801% 17802Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being 17803that a belch is more satisfying. 17804 -- Ingmar Bergman 17805% 17806Everything journalists write is true, except when they write about 17807something you know. 17808 -- Dag-Erling Smorgrav, 17809 June 1999, FreeBSD-Stable Mailing List 17810% 17811Everything might be different in the present 17812if only one thing had been different in the past. 17813% 17814Everything new stalls because there is precedence for the old. 17815 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 17816% 17817Everything should be built top-down, except the first time. 17818% 17819Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler. 17820 -- Albert Einstein 17821% 17822Everything takes longer, costs more, and is less useful. 17823 -- Erwin Tomash 17824% 17825Everything that can be invented has been invented. 17826 -- Charles Duell, Director of U.S. Patent Office, 1899 17827% 17828Everything that you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out. 17829% 17830Everything will be just tickety-boo today. 17831% 17832Everything you know is wrong! 17833% 17834Everything you read in newspapers is absolutely true, except for that 17835rare story of which you happen to have first-hand knowledge. 17836 -- Erwin Knoll 17837% 17838Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less 17839obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no 17840solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid. 17841There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no 17842straight lines. 17843 -- R. Buckminster Fuller 17844% 17845Everything's great in this good old world; 17846(This is the stuff they can always use.) 17847God's in his heaven, the hill's dew-pearled; 17848(This will provide for baby's shoes.) 17849Hunger and War do not mean a thing; 17850Everything's rosy where'er we roam; 17851Hark, how the little birds gaily sing! 17852(This is what fetches the bacon home.) 17853 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Far Sighted Muse" 17854% 17855Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My 17856opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller 17857that could have been prevented by a good teacher. 17858 -- Flannery O'Connor 17859% 17860Everywhere you go you'll see them searching, 17861Everywhere you turn you'll feel the pain, 17862Everyone is looking for the answer, 17863Well look again. 17864 -- Moody Blues, "Lost in a Lost World" 17865% 17866Evil is that which one believes of others. It is a sin to believe evil 17867of others, but it is seldom a mistake. 17868 -- H. L. Mencken 17869% 17870Evolution is a million line computer 17871program falling into place by accident. 17872% 17873Evolution is as much a fact as the earth turning on its axis and going around 17874the sun. At one time this was called the Copernican theory; but, when 17875evidence for a theory becomes so overwhelming that no informed person can 17876doubt it, it is customary for scientists to call it a fact. That all present 17877life descended from earlier forms, over vast stretches of geologic time, is 17878as firmly established as Copernican cosmology. Biologists differ only with 17879respect to theories about how the process operates. 17880 -- Martin Gardner, "Irving Kristol and the Facts of Life" 17881% 17882Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for even 17883the greatest fool may ask more than the wisest man can answer. 17884 -- C. C. Colton 17885% 17886Example is not the main thing in influencing others. 17887It is the only thing. 17888 -- Albert Schweitzer 17889% 17890Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike the office water cooler. 17891% 17892Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator. 17893% 17894Excellent day to have a rotten day. 17895% 17896Excellent time to become a missing person. 17897% 17898Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget. 17899 -- Miller 17900% 17901Excerpt from a conversation between a customer support person and a 17902customer working for a well-known military-affiliated research lab: 17903 17904Support: "You're not our only customer, you know." 17905Customer: "But we're one of the few with tactical nuclear weapons." 17906% 17907Excerpt from a DEC field service document: 17908 17909.... 17910- none of these should have made it to customers. BUT you could loosen the 17911screws and lift system board at fan end while powering on to see if OCP 17912comes up - this is not recommended unless you have three hands. 17913% 17914Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from 17915acquiring the deadening effect of a habit. 17916 -- W. Somerset Maugham 17917% 17918Excessive login messages are a sure sign of senility. 17919% 17920Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility. 17921% 17922Execute every act of thy life as though it were thy last. 17923 -- Marcus Aurelius 17924% 17925Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do 17926the work. 17927 -- John G. Pollard 17928% 17929Executive ability is prominent in your make-up. 17930% 17931Exercise caution in your daily affairs. 17932% 17933Exhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you, 17934and just before you realize what is wrong with it. 17935% 17936Expansion means complexity; and complexity decay. 17937% 17938Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you. 17939% 17940Expect the worst, it's the least you can do. 17941% 17942Expedience is the best teacher. 17943% 17944Expense accounts, n.: 17945 Corporate food stamps. 17946% 17947Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills. 17948 -- Minna Antrim, "Naked Truth and Veiled Allusions" 17949% 17950Experience is not what happens to you; 17951it is what you do with what happens to you. 17952 -- Aldous Huxley 17953% 17954Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake 17955when you make it again. 17956 -- Franklin P. Jones 17957% 17958Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and 17959the instruction afterward. 17960% 17961Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old 17962ones. 17963% 17964Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted. 17965% 17966Experience teaches you that the man who looks you straight in the eye, 17967particularly if he adds a firm handshake, is hiding something. 17968 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Enter Conversing" 17969% 17970Experiments must be reproducible; they should all fail in the same way. 17971% 17972Expert, n.: 17973 Someone who comes from out of town and shows slides. 17974% 17975External Security: 17976% 17977Extract from Official Sweepstakes Rules: 17978 17979 NO PURCHASE REQUIRED TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE 17980 17981To claim your prize without purchase, do the following: (a) Carefully 17982cut out your computer-printed name and address from upper right hand 17983corner of the Prize Claim Form. (b) Affix computer-printed name and 17984address -- with glue or cellophane tape (no staples or paper clips) -- 17985to a 3x5 inch index card. (c) Also cut out the "No" paragraph (lower 17986left hand corner of Prize Claim Form) and affix it to the 3x5 card 17987below your address label. (d) Then print on your 3x5 card, above your 17988computer-printed name and address the words "CARTER & VAN PEEL 17989SWEEPSTAKES" (Use all capital letters.) (e) Finally place 3x5 card 17990(without bending) into a plain envelope [NOTE: do NOT use the 17991Official Prize Claim and CVP Perfume Reply Envelope or you may be 17992disqualified], and mail to: CVP, Box 1320, Westbury, NY 11595. Print 17993this address correctly. Comply with above instructions carefully and 17994completely or you may be disqualified from receiving your prize. 17995% 17996Extraordinary claims demand extraordinary proof. There are many examples 17997of outsiders who eventually overthrew entrenched scientific orthodoxies, 17998but they prevailed with irrefutable data. More often, egregious findings 17999that contradict well-established research turn out to be artifacts. I have 18000argued that accepting psychic powers, reincarnation, "cosmic consciousness," 18001and the like, would entail fundamental revisions of the foundations of 18002neuroscience. Before abandoning materialist theories of mind that have paid 18003handsome dividends, we should insist on better evidence for psi phenomena 18004than presently exists, especially when neurology and psychology themselves 18005offer more plausible alternatives. 18006 -- Barry L. Beyerstein, "The Brain and Consciousness: 18007 Implications for Psi Phenomena". 18008% 18009Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly. 18010 -- William Shakespeare, "The Rape of Lucrece" 18011% 18012Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice... moderation in the pursuit 18013of justice is no virtue. 18014 -- Barry Goldwater 18015% 18016F: When into a room I plunge, I 18017 Sometimes find some VIOLET FUNGI. 18018 Then I linger, darkly brooding 18019 On the poison they're exuding. 18020 -- The Roguelet's ABC 18021% 18022F. Scott Fitzgerald to Hemingway: 18023 "Ernest, the rich are different from us." 18024Hemingway: 18025 "Yes. They have more money." 18026% 18027f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd. 18028% 18029f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng. 18030% 18031F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm! 18032% 18033f u cn rd ths, u r prbbly a lsy spllr. 18034% 18035FACILITY REJECTED 100044200000; 18036% 18037Factorials were someone's attempt to make math LOOK exciting. 18038% 18039Facts, apart from their relationships, are like labels on empty bottles. 18040 -- Sven Italla 18041% 18042Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable. 18043% 18044Facts are the enemy of truth. 18045 -- Don Quixote 18046% 18047Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored. 18048 -- Aldous Huxley 18049% 18050Failed Attempts To Break Records 18051 In September 1978 Mr. Terry Gripton, of Stafford, failed to break 18052the world shouting record by two and a half decibels. "I am not surprised 18053he failed," his wife said afterwards. "He's really a very quiet man and 18054doesn't even shout at me." 18055 In August of the same year Mr. Paul Anthony failed to break the 18056record for continuous organ playing by 387 hours. 18057 His attempt at the Golden Fish Fry Restaurant in Manchester ended 18058after 36 hours 10 minutes, when he was accused of disturbing the peace. 18059"People complained I was too noisy," he said. 18060 In January 1976 Mr. Barry McQueen failed to walk backwards across 18061the Menai Bridge playing the bagpipes. "It was raining heavily and my 18062drone got waterlogged," he said. 18063 A TV cameraman thwarted Mr. Bob Specas' attempt to topple 100,000 18064dominoes at the Manhattan Center, New York on 9 June 1978. 97,500 dominoes 18065had been set up when he dropped his press badge and set them off. 18066 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 18067% 18068Failure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital. 18069% 18070Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall. 18071 -- Sir Walter Raleigh 18072% 18073Fairy Tale, n.: 18074 A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers. 18075% 18076Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door. 18077% 18078Faith has never moved as much as a pin-head from the place it 18079ought to be according to tradition and the scriptures. It is 18080the doubt that moved all the mountains. 18081 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 18082% 18083Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic 18084without looking to see whether the seeds move. 18085% 18086Faith is under the left nipple. 18087 -- Martin Luther 18088% 18089Faith, n.: 18090 That quality which enables us to 18091 believe what we know to be untrue. 18092% 18093Fakir, n.: 18094 A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost 18095 religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources 18096 seem to have shinnied up a rope and vanished. 18097% 18098Falling in Love 18099 When two people have been on enough dates, they generally fall in 18100love. You can tell you're in love by the way you feel: your head becomes 18101light, your heart leaps within you, you feel like you're walking on air, 18102and the whole world seems like a wonderful and happy place. Unfortunately, 18103these are also the four warning signs of colon disease, so it's always a 18104good idea to check with your doctor. 18105 -- Dave Barry 18106% 18107Falling in love is a lot like dying. 18108You never get to do it enough to become good at it. 18109% 18110Falling in love makes smoking pot all day look like the ultimate in 18111restraint. 18112 -- Dave Sim, author of "Cerebus" 18113% 18114Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident; 18115the only earthly certainty is oblivion. 18116 -- Mark Twain 18117% 18118Fame lost its appeal for me when I went into a public restroom and an 18119autograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the stall door. 18120 -- Marlo Thomas 18121% 18122Fame may be fleeting but obscurity is forever. 18123% 18124Familiarity breeds attempt. 18125% 18126Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children. 18127 -- Mark Twain 18128% 18129Families, when a child is born 18130Want it to be intelligent. 18131I, through intelligence, 18132Having wrecked my whole life, 18133Only hope the baby will prove 18134Ignorant and stupid. 18135Then he will crown a tranquil life 18136By becoming a Cabinet Minister 18137 -- Su Tung-p'o 18138% 18139Famous, adj.: 18140 Conspicuously miserable. 18141 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 18142% 18143Famous last words: 18144% 18145Famous last words: 18146 1. Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix. 18147 2. Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there. 18148 3. What happens if you touch these two wires tog... 18149 4. We won't need reservations. 18150 5. It's always sunny there this time of the year. 18151 6. Don't worry, it's not loaded. 18152 7. They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager. 18153 8. Don't worry! Women love it! 18154% 18155Fanaticism consists of redoubling your effort when you have 18156forgotten your aim. 18157 -- George Santayana 18158% 18159Far back in the mists of ancient time, in the great and glorious days of the 18160former Galactic Empire, life was wild, rich and largely tax free. 18161 18162Mighty starships plied their way between exotic suns, seeking adventure and 18163reward among the furthest reaches of Galactic space. In those days, spirits 18164were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women 18165and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures 18166from Alpha Centauri. And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty 18167deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before -- and thus 18168was the Empire forged. 18169 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 18170% 18171Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth. 18172% 18173Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the 18174Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. 18175Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an 18176utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life 18177forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches 18178are a pretty neat idea ... 18179 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 18180% 18181Farmers in the Iowa State survey rated machinery breakdowns more 18182stressful than divorce. 18183 -- Wall Street Journal 18184% 18185Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter 18186it every six months. 18187 -- Oscar Wilde 18188% 18189Fashions have done more harm than revolutions. 18190 -- Victor Hugo 18191% 18192Fast, cheap, good: pick two. 18193% 18194Fast ship? You mean you've never heard of the Millennium Falcon? 18195 -- Han Solo 18196% 18197Faster, faster, you fool, you fool! 18198 -- Bill Cosby 18199% 18200Fat Liberation: because a waist is a terrible thing to mind. 18201% 18202Fat people of the world unite, we've got nothing to lose! 18203% 18204Father: Son, it's time we talked about sex. 18205Son: Sure, Dad, what do you want to know? 18206% 18207Fats Loves Madelyn. 18208% 18209Fay: The British police force used to be run by men of integrity. 18210Truscott: That is a mistake which has been rectified. 18211 -- Joe Orton, "Loot" 18212% 18213FEAR: 18214 What you feel when you see a U-Haul with Texas license plates. 18215% 18216Fear and loathing, my man, fear and loathing. 18217 -- Hunter S. Thompson 18218% 18219Fear is the greatest salesman. 18220 -- Robert Klein 18221% 18222Feature, n.: 18223 A surprising property of a program. Occasionally documented. To 18224 call a property a feature sometimes means the author did not 18225 consider that case, and the program makes an unexpected, though 18226 not necessarily wrong response. See BUG. "That's not a bug, it's 18227 a feature!" A bug can be changed to a feature by documenting it. 18228% 18229Federal grants are offered for... research into the recreation 18230potential of interplanetary space travel for the culturally 18231disadvantaged. 18232% 18233Feel disillusioned? 18234I've got some great new illusions, right here! 18235% 18236Feeling amorous, she looked under the sheets and cried, "Oh, no, 18237it's Microsoft!" 18238% 18239Felix Catus is your taxonomic nomenclature, 18240An endothermic quadruped, carnivorous by nature. 18241Your visual, olfactory, and auditory senses 18242Contribute to your hunting skills and natural defenses. 18243I find myself intrigued by your sub-vocal oscillations, 18244A singular development of cat communications 18245That obviates your basic hedonistic predilection 18246For a rhythmic stroking of your fur to demonstrate affection. 18247A tail is quite essential for your acrobatic talents: 18248You would not be so agile if you lacked its counterbalance; 18249And when not being utilized to aid in locomotion, 18250It often serves to illustrate the state of your emotion. 18251Oh Spot, the complex levels of behavior you display 18252Connote a fairly well-developed cognitive array. 18253And though you are not sentient, Spot, and do not comprehend, 18254I nonetheless consider you a true and valued friend. 18255 -- Lt. Cmdr. Data, "An Ode to Spot" 18256% 18257Fellow programmer, greetings! You are reading a letter which will bring 18258you luck and good fortune. Just mail (or UUCP) ten copies of this letter 18259to ten of your friends. Before you make the copies, send a chip or 18260other bit of hardware, and 100 lines of "C" code to the first person on the 18261list given at the bottom of this letter. Then delete their name and add 18262yours to the bottom of the list. 18263 18264Don't break the chain! Make the copy within 48 hours. Gerald R. of San 18265Diego failed to send out his ten copies and woke the next morning to find 18266his job description changed to "COBOL programmer." Fred A. of New York sent 18267out his ten copies and within a month had enough hardware and software to 18268build a Cray dedicated to playing Zork. Martha H. of Chicago laughed at 18269this letter and broke the chain. Shortly thereafter, a fire broke out in 18270her terminal and she now spends her days writing documentation for IBM PC's. 18271 18272Don't break the chain! Send out your ten copies today! 18273% 18274Female rabbits: 18275 The gift that just "keeps on giving." 18276% 18277Fenderberg, n.: 18278 The large glacial deposits that form on the insides 18279 of car fenders during snowstorms. 18280 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 18281% 18282Ferguson's Precept: 18283 A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the whole thing." 18284% 18285Fertility is hereditary. If your parents didn't have any children, 18286neither will you. 18287% 18288Fess: Well, you must admit there is something innately humorous about 18289 a man chasing an invention of his own halfway across the galaxy. 18290Rod: Oh yeah, it's a million yuks, sure. But after all, isn't that the 18291 basic difference between robots and humans? 18292Fess: What, the ability to form imaginary constructs? 18293Rod: No, the ability to get hung up on them. 18294 -- Christopher Stasheff, "The Warlock in Spite of Himself" 18295% 18296Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. 18297 -- Mark Twain 18298% 18299Fidelity, n.: 18300 A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed. 18301% 18302Fifteen men on a dead man's chest, 18303Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum! 18304Drink and the devil had done for the rest, 18305Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum! 18306 -- Robert Louis Stevenson, "Treasure Island" 18307% 18308Fifth Law of Applied Terror: 18309 If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. 18310Corollary: 18311 If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live. 18312% 18313Fifth Law of Procrastination: 18314 Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that 18315there is nothing important to do. 18316% 18317Fifty flippant frogs 18318Walked by on flippered feet 18319And with their slime they made the time 18320Unnaturally fleet. 18321% 18322Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North 18323Carolina. 18324% 18325File cabinet: 18326 A four drawer, manually activated trash compactor. 18327% 18328Filibuster, n.: 18329 Throwing your wait around. 18330% 18331Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches. 18332 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth 18333% 18334Finagle's Creed: 18335 Science is true. Don't be misled by facts. 18336% 18337Finagle's Eighth Law: 18338 If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. 18339 18340Finagle's Ninth Law: 18341 No matter what results are expected, 18342 someone is always willing to fake it. 18343 18344Finagle's Tenth Law: 18345 No matter what the result someone 18346 is always eager to misinterpret it. 18347 18348Finagle's Eleventh Law: 18349 No matter what occurs, someone believes 18350 it happened according to his pet theory. 18351% 18352Finagle's First Law: 18353 To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start. 18354 18355Finagle's Second Law: 18356 Always keep a record of data -- it indicates you've been working. 18357 18358Finagle's Fourth Law: 18359 Once a job is fouled up, 18360 anything done to improve it only makes it worse. 18361 18362Finagle's Fifth Law: 18363 Always draw your curves, then plot your readings. 18364 18365Finagle's Sixth Law: 18366 Don't believe in miracles -- rely on them. 18367% 18368Finagle's Second Law: 18369 No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be 18370someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it 18371happened according to his own pet theory. 18372% 18373Finagle's Seventh Law: 18374 The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum. 18375% 18376Finagle's Third Law: 18377 In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, 18378 beyond all need of checking, is the mistake. 18379 18380Corollaries: 18381 1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it. 18382 2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really 18383 don't want to hear, will see it immediately. 18384% 18385Finality is death. 18386Perfection is finality. 18387Nothing is perfect. 18388There are lumps in it. 18389% 18390Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture 18391on a rock. 18392 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 18393% 18394Fine day for friends. 18395So-so day for you. 18396% 18397Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can. 18398% 18399Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy. 18400% 18401Fine's Corollary: 18402 Functionality breeds Contempt. 18403% 18404Finish the sentence below in 25 words or less: 18405 18406 "Love is what you feel just before you give someone a good ..." 18407 18408Mail your answer along with the top half of your supervisor to: 18409 18410 P.O. Box 35 18411 Baffled Greek, Michigan 18412% 18413Finster's Law: 18414A closed mouth gathers no feet. 18415% 18416First, a few words about tools. 18417 18418Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of 18419the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously 18420injure yourself. Today, people tend to take tools for granted. If 18421you're ever walking down the street and you notice some people who look 18422particularly smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for 18423granted. If I were you, I'd walk right up and smack them in the face. 18424 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 18425% 18426First Corollary of Taber's Second Law: 18427 Machines that piss people off get murdered. 18428 -- Pat Taber 18429% 18430First Law of Bicycling: 18431 No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind. 18432% 18433First law of debate: 18434 Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference. 18435% 18436First Law of Procrastination: 18437 Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility 18438for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who imposed 18439the deadline). 18440% 18441First Law of Socio-Genetics: 18442 Celibacy is not hereditary. 18443% 18444First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity, no really 18445self-respecting woman would take advantage of it. 18446 -- George Bernard Shaw, "John Bull's Other Island" 18447% 18448First Rule of History: 18449 History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each 18450other. 18451% 18452First rule of public speaking. 18453 First, tell 'em what you're goin' to tell 'em; 18454 then tell 'em; 18455 then tell 'em what you've tole 'em. 18456% 18457First there was Dial-A-Prayer, then Dial-A-Recipe, and even Dial-A-Footballer. 18458But the south-east Victorian town of Sale has produced one to top them all. 18459Dial-A-Wombat. 18460 It all began early yesterday when Sale police received a telephone 18461call: "You won't believe this, and I'm not drunk, but there's a wombat in the 18462phone booth outside the town hall," the caller said. 18463 Not firmly convinced about the caller's claim to sobriety, members of 18464the constabulary drove to the scene, expecting to pick up a drunk. 18465 But there it was, an annoyed wombat, trapped in a telephone booth. 18466 The wombat, determined not to be had the better of again, threw its 18467bulk into the fray. It was eventually lassoed and released in a nearby scrub. 18468 Then the officers received another message ... another wombat in 18469another phone booth. 18470 There it was: *Another* angry wombat trapped in a telephone booth. 18471 The constables took the miffed marsupial into temporary custody and 18472released it, too, in the scrub. 18473 But on their way back to the station they happened to pass another 18474telephone booth, and -- you guessed it -- another imprisoned wombat. 18475 After some serious detective work, the lads in blue found a suspect, 18476and after questioning, released him to be charged on summons. 18477 Their problem ... they cannot find a law against placing wombats in 18478telephone booths. 18479 -- "Newcastle Morning Herald", NSW Australia, Aug 1980 18480% 18481First things first -- but not necessarily in that order. 18482 -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who" 18483% 18484"First World" nations are the ones where people drive Japanese cars; 18485"Second World" nations are where First World residents go on vacation; 18486and "Third World" nations are the ones where people still dive out of 18487trees to prove their manhood. 18488 -- Dave Barry 18489% 18490Fishbowl, n.: 18491 A glass-enclosed isolation cell where newly 18492 promoted managers are kept for observation. 18493% 18494Fishing, with me, has always been an excuse to drink in the daytime. 18495 -- Jimmy Cannon 18496% 18497Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity. 18498 -- Robert Firth 18499% 18500Five names that I can hardly stand to hear, 18501Including yours and mine and one more chimp who isn't here, 18502I can see the ladies talking how the times is gettin' hard, 18503And that fearsome excavation on Magnolia boulevard, 18504Yes, I'm goin' insane, 18505And I'm laughing at the frozen rain, 18506Well, I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home? 18507 Bad sneakers and a pina colada my friend, 18508 Stopping on the avenue by Radio City, with a 18509 Transistor and a large sum of money to spend... 18510You fellah, you tearin' up the street, 18511You wear that white tuxedo, how you gonna beat the heat, 18512Do you take me for a fool, do you think that I don't see, 18513That ditch out in the Valley that they're diggin' just for me, 18514Yes, and goin' insane, 18515You know I'm laughin' at the frozen rain, 18516Feel like I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home? 18517(chorus) 18518 -- Bad Sneakers, "Steely Dan" 18519% 18520Five people -- an Englishman, Russian, American, Frenchman and Irishman 18521were each asked to write a book on elephants. Some amount of time later they 18522had all completed their respective books. The Englishman's book was entitled 18523"The Elephant -- How to Collect Them", the Russian's "The Elephant -- Vol. I", 18524the American's "The Elephant -- How to Make Money from Them", the Frenchman's 18525"The Elephant -- Its Mating Habits" and the Irishman's "The Elephant and 18526Irish Political History". 18527% 18528Five rules for eternal misery: 18529 1) Always try to exhort others to look upon you favorably. 18530 2) Make lots of assumptions about situations and be sure to 18531 treat these assumptions as though they are reality. 18532 3) Then treat each new situation as though it's a crisis. 18533 4) Live in the past and future only (become obsessed with 18534 how much better things might have been or how much worse 18535 things might become). 18536 5) Occasionally stomp on yourself for being so stupid as to 18537 follow the first four rules. 18538% 18539Flame on! 18540 -- Johnny Storm 18541% 18542Flannister, n.: 18543 The plastic yoke that holds a six-pack of beer together. 18544 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 18545% 18546Flappity, floppity, flip 18547The mouse on the m"obius strip; 18548 The strip revolved, 18549 The mouse dissolved 18550In a chronodimensional skip. 18551% 18552FLASH! 18553Intelligence of mankind decreasing. 18554Details at ... uh, when the little hand is on the ... 18555% 18556Flattery is like cologne -- to be smelled, but not swallowed. 18557 -- Josh Billings 18558% 18559Flattery will get you everywhere. 18560% 18561Flee at once, all is discovered. 18562% 18563Flirting is the gentle art of making a man feel pleased with himself. 18564 -- Helen Rowland 18565% 18566Flon's Law: 18567 There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is 18568the least bit difficult to write bad programs. 18569% 18570Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her 18571husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer! My joules! Someone has stolen my 18572joules!" 18573 18574"Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux 18575a moment. Perhaps they're mislead." 18576 18577"No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence. "I remember putting them 18578in my burette ... We must call a copper." 18579 18580Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms, 18581said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name 18582of Lawrence Ium. 18583 18584"We must be careful -- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and 18585dangerous. His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium. Maybe I can 18586catch him there." With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an 18587activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ... 18588 -- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations" 18589% 18590Flowchart, n. & v.: 18591 [From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart 18592"a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."] 185931. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni construction 18594problems in which given algorithms require geometrical representation 18595using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI template. 2. n. Neronic 18596doodling while the system burns. 3. n. A low-cost substitute for 18597wallpaper. 4. n. The innumerate misleading the illiterate. "A 18598thousand pictures is worth ten lines of code." -- The Programmer's 18599Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps. 5. v.intrans. To produce 18600flowcharts with no particular object in mind. 6. v.trans. To obfuscate 18601(a problem) with esoteric cartoons. 18602 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 18603% 18604Flugg's Law: 18605 When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the 18606world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum. 18607% 18608Fly me away to the bright side of the moon ... 18609% 18610Flying is the second greatest feeling you can have. The greatest feeling? 18611Landing... Landing is the greatest feeling you can have. 18612% 18613Flying saucers on occasion 18614 Show themselves to human eyes. 18615Aliens fume, put off invasion 18616 While they brand these tales as lies. 18617% 18618Fog Lamps, n.: 18619 Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the fronts 18620 of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the 18621 driver's brain is in a fog. See also "Idiot Lights". 18622% 18623Follow me around. I don't care. I'm serious. If anybody wants to put a 18624tail on me, go ahead. They'd be very bored. 18625 -- Gary Hart, announcing his presidential candidacy, 18626 commenting on rumors of womanizing. 18627% 18628Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing. 18629 -- Walt Kelly, "Potluck Pogo" 18630% 18631Foolproof Operation: 18632 No provision for adjustment. 18633% 18634Fools rush in -- and get the best seats in the house. 18635% 18636Football builds self-discipline. What else would induce 18637a spectator to sit out in the open in subfreezing weather? 18638% 18639Football combines the two worst features of American life. 18640It is violence punctuated by committee meetings. 18641 -- George F. Will, "Men At Work: The Craft of Baseball" 18642% 18643Football is a game designed to keep coal miners off the streets. 18644 -- Jimmy Breslin 18645% 18646For 20 dollars, I'll give you a good fortune next time ... 18647% 18648For a good time, call (510) 642-9483 18649% 18650For a holy stint, a moth of the cloth gave up his woolens for lint. 18651% 18652For a light heart lives long. 18653 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost" 18654% 18655For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a 18656cat. 18657% 18658For adult education nothing beats children. 18659% 18660For ages, a deadly conflict has been waged between a few brave men and 18661women of thought and genius upon the one side, and the great ignorant 18662religious mass on the other. This is the war between Science and Faith. 18663The few have appealed to reason, to honor, to law, to freedom, to the 18664known, and to happiness here in this world. The many have appealed to 18665prejudice, to fear, to miracle, to slavery, to the unknown, and to 18666misery hereafter. The few have said "Think". The many have said "Believe!" 18667 -- Robert Ingersoll, "Gods" 18668% 18669For an adequate time call 555-3321. 18670% 18671For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, since it must afterwards be 18672always old-fashioned. 18673% 18674For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex. 18675 -- Gore Vidal 18676% 18677For children with short attention spans: boomerangs that don't come back. 18678% 18679For courage mounteth with occasion. 18680 -- William Shakespeare, "King John" 18681% 18682For every bloke who makes his mark, 18683there's half a dozen waiting to rub it out. 18684 -- Andy Capp 18685% 18686For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, 18687and wrong. 18688 -- H. L. Mencken 18689% 18690For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill. 18691 -- R. Clopton 18692% 18693For every human problem, there is a neat, 18694plain solution -- and it is always wrong. 18695 -- H. L. Mencken 18696% 18697For example, if \thinmskip = 3mu, this makes \thickmskip = 6mu. But if 18698you also want to use \skip12 for horizontal glue, whether in math mode or 18699not, the amount of skipping will be in points (e.g., 6pt). The rule is 18700that glue in math mode varies with the size only when it is an \mskip; 18701when moving between an mskip and ordinary skip, the conversion factor 187021mu=1pt is always used. The meaning of '\mskip\skip12' and 18703'\baselineskip=\the\thickmskip' should be clear. 18704 -- Donald E. Knuth, TeX 82 -- Comparison with TeX80 18705% 18706For fast-acting relief, try slowing down. 18707% 18708For flavor, instant sex will never supersede the stuff you have to peel 18709and cook. 18710 -- Quentin Crisp 18711% 18712For fools rush in where angels fear to tread. 18713 -- Alexander Pope 18714% 18715For gin, in cruel 18716Sober truth, 18717Supplies the fuel 18718For flaming youth. 18719 -- Noel Coward 18720% 18721For God's sake, stop researching for a while and begin to think! 18722% 18723For good, return good. 18724For evil, return justice. 18725% 18726For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do. 18727 -- Paul of Tarsus, (Saint Paul) 18728% 18729For I swore I would stay a year away from her; out and alas! 18730but with break of day I went to make supplication. 18731 -- Paulus Silentarius, c. 540 A.D. 18732% 18733For knighthood is not in the feats of war, 18734As for to fight in quarrel right or wrong, 18735But in a cause which truth cannot defer: 18736He ought himself for to make sure and strong, 18737Just to keep mixt with mercy among: 18738And no quarrel a knight ought to take 18739But for a truth, or for the common's sake. 18740 -- Stephen Hawes 18741% 18742For large values of one, one equals two, for small values of two. 18743% 18744For men use, if they have an evil turn, to write it in marble: 18745and whoso doth us a good turn we write it in dust. 18746 -- Sir Thomas More 18747% 18748For most men life is a search for the proper manila envelope in which to 18749get themselves filed. 18750 -- Clifton Fadiman 18751% 18752For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I 18753put them in the same room and let them fight it out. 18754 -- Steven Wright 18755% 18756For my son, Robert, this is proving to be the high-point of his entire 18757life to date. He has had his pajamas on for two, maybe three days 18758now. He has the sense of joyful independence a 5-year-old child gets 18759when he suddenly realizes that he could be operating an acetylene torch 18760in the coat closet and neither parent [because of the flu] would have 18761the strength to object. He has been foraging for his own food, which 18762means his diet consists entirely of "food" substances which are 18763advertised only on Saturday-morning cartoon shows; substances that are 18764the color of jukebox lights and that, for legal reasons, have their 18765names spelled wrong, as in New Creemy Chok-'n'-Cheez Lumps o' Froot 18766("part of this complete breakfast"). 18767 -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide" 18768% 18769For myself, I can only say that I am astonished and somewhat terrified at 18770the results of this evening's experiments. Astonished at the wonderful 18771power you have developed, and terrified at the thought that so much hideous 18772and bad music may be put on record forever. 18773 -- Sir Arthur Sullivan, message to Edison, 1888 18774% 18775For people who like that kind of book, 18776that is the kind of book they will like. 18777% 18778For perfect happiness, remember two things: 18779 (1) Be content with what you've got. 18780 (2) Be sure you've got plenty. 18781% 18782FOR SALE: 18783 Parachute. Used once. 18784 Never opened. Slightly Stained. 18785% 18786For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say 18787"Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something. 18788 -- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to the U.S. 18789% 18790For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz. 18791% 18792For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the massive jobs of 18793a thousand years ago. Why not, then, the last step of doing away with 18794computers altogether? 18795 -- Jehan Shuman 18796% 18797For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels, 18798each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall 18799was a gate. 18800 -- J. R. R. Tolkien, "The Return of the King" 18801 18802 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 18803 referring to system overview.] 18804 18805% 18806For the first time we have a weapon that nobody has used for thirty years. 18807This gives me great hope for the human race. 18808 -- Harlan Ellison 18809% 18810For the next hour, WE will control all that you see and hear. 18811% 18812For thee the wonder-working earth puts forth sweet flowers. 18813 -- Titus Lucretius Carus 18814% 18815For there are moments when one can neither think nor feel. And if one can 18816neither think nor feel, she thought, where is one? 18817 -- Virginia Woolf, "To the Lighthouse" 18818 18819 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 18820 referring to powerfail recovery.] 18821% 18822For they starve the frightened little child 18823Till it weeps both night and day: 18824And they scourge the weak, and flog the fool, 18825And gibe the old and grey, 18826And some grow mad, and all grow bad, 18827And none a word may say. 18828 18829Each narrow cell in which we dwell 18830Is a foul and dark latrine, 18831And the fetid breath of living Death 18832Chokes up each grated screen, 18833And all, but Lust, is turned to dust 18834In Humanity's machine. 18835 18836And all men kill the thing they love, 18837By all let this be heard, 18838Some do it with a bitter look, 18839Some with a flattering word, 18840The coward does it with a kiss, 18841The brave man with a sword. 18842 -- Oscar Wilde 18843% 18844For thirty years a certain man went to spend every evening with Mme. ___. 18845When his wife died his friends believed he would marry her, and urged 18846him to do so. "No, no," he said: "if I did, where should I have to 18847spend my evenings?" 18848 -- Chamfort 18849% 18850For those of you who have been unfortunate enough to never have tasted the 18851'Great Chieftain O' the Pudden Race' (i.e. haggis) here is an easy to follow 18852recipe which results in a dish remarkably similar to the above mentioned 18853protected species. 18854 Ingredients: 18855 1 Sheep's Pluck (heart, lungs, liver) and bag 18856 2 teacupsful toasted oatmeal 18857 1 teaspoonful salt 18858 8 oz. shredded suet 18859 2 small onions 18860 1/2 teaspoonful black pepper 18861 18862 Scrape and clean bag in cold, then warm, water. Soak in salt water 18863overnight. Wash pluck, then boil for 2 hours with windpipe draining over 18864the side of pot. Retain 1 pint of stock. Cut off windpipe, remove surplus 18865gristle, chop or mince heart and lungs, and grate best part of liver (about 18866half only). Parboil and chop onions, mix all together with oatmeal, suet, 18867salt, pepper and stock to moisten. Pack the mixture into bag, allowing for 18868swelling. Boil for three hours, pricking regularly all over. If bag not 18869available, steam in greased basin covered by greaseproof paper and cloth for 18870four to five hours. 18871% 18872For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like. 18873 -- Abraham Lincoln 18874% 18875For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but 18876phone calls taper off. 18877 -- Johnny Carson 18878% 18879For what it's worth, if you -can- get Michelle Pfeiffer to model 18880a latex daemon suit for the catalog, I strongly suggest you do. 18881Breasts can sell anything. Shiny red latex body suits start 18882religions. 18883 -- Brian McGroarty <bvmcg@yahoo.com> 18884% 18885For years a secret shame destroyed my peace -- 18886I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece. 18887But now I think a thought that brings me hope: 18888Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope. 18889 -- Justin Richardson 18890% 18891For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH! 18892% 18893Force has no place where there is need of skill. 18894 -- Herodotus 18895% 18896"Force is but might," the teacher said-- 18897"That definition's just." 18898The boy said naught but thought instead, 18899Remembering his pounded head: 18900"Force is not might but must!" 18901% 18902Force it!!! 18903If it breaks, well, it wasn't working anyway... 18904No, don't force it, get a bigger hammer. 18905% 18906FORCE YOURSELF TO RELAX! 18907% 18908Forecast, n.: 18909 A prediction of the future, based on the past, for 18910 which the forecaster demands payment in the present. 18911% 18912Forest fires cause Smokey Bears. 18913% 18914Forgetfulness, n.: 18915 A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for 18916 their destitution of conscience. 18917% 18918Forgive and forget. 18919 -- Cervantes 18920% 18921Forgive him, 18922for he believes that the customs of his tribe are the laws of nature! 18923 -- George Bernard Shaw 18924% 18925Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee 18926And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me. 18927 -- Robert Frost 18928% 18929Forgive your enemies, but don't forget their names. 18930 -- John F. Kennedy 18931% 18932Forms follow function, and often obliterate it. 18933% 18934Forsan et haec olim meminisse juvabit. 18935% 18936FORTH IF HONK THEN 18937% 18938FORTRAN is a good example of a language 18939which is easier to parse using ad hoc techniques. 18940 -- D. Gries 18941 [What's good about it? Ed.] 18942% 18943FORTRAN is not a flower but a weed -- it is hardy, 18944occasionally blooms, and grows in every computer. 18945 -- Alan J. Perlis 18946% 18947FORTRAN is the language of Powerful Computers. 18948 -- Steven Feiner 18949% 18950FORTRAN rots the brain. 18951 -- John McQuillin 18952% 18953FORTRAN, "the infantile disorder", by now nearly 20 years old, is hopelessly 18954inadequate for whatever computer application you have in mind today: it is 18955too clumsy, too risky, and too expensive to use. 18956 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 18957% 18958[FORTRAN] will persist for some time -- 18959probably for at least the next decade. 18960 -- T. Cheatham 18961% 18962Fortunate is he for whom the belle toils. 18963% 18964Fortunately, the responsibility for providing evidence is on the part of 18965the person making the claim, not the critic. It is not the responsibility 18966of UFO skeptics to prove that a UFO has never existed, nor is it the 18967responsibility of paranormal-health-claims skeptics to prove that crystals 18968or colored lights never healed anyone. The skeptic's role is to point out 18969claims that are not adequately supported by acceptable evidence and to 18970provide plausible alternative explanations that are more in keeping with 18971the accepted body of scientific evidence. 18972 -- Thomas L. Creed, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII, 18973 No. 2, pg. 215 18974% 18975Fortune and love befriend the bold. 18976 -- Ovid 18977% 18978FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #3 18979 18980Q: Why haven't you graduated yet? 18981A: Well, Dad, I could have finished years ago, but I wanted 18982 my dissertation to rhyme. 18983% 18984FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #8 18985 18986Q: Is God a myth? 18987A: No, He's a mythter. 18988% 18989fortune: cannot execute. Out of cookies. 18990% 18991fortune: CPU time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped. 18992% 18993FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #14 18994 18995Low Blows: 18996 Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One 18997of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee. That must 18998hurt." The man doubles over and actually FEELS the pain. 18999 19000Dressing Up: 19001 A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the 19002garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up 19003for: weddings, funerals. Speaking of weddings, when reminiscing about 19004weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men laugh about "the bachelor 19005party". 19006 19007David Letterman: 19008 Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the 19009Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad 19010haircut. 19011% 19012FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #16 19013 19014Relationships: 19015 First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -- he 19016refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular 19017basis". 19018 When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to 19019her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then 19020she will get on with her life. 19021 A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the 19022breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just 19023wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I 19024hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's 19025always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" 19026drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have made at least once. There are 19027community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, 19028these classes rarely prove effective. 19029% 19030FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #17 19031 19032Shoes: 19033 The average man has 4 pairs of footwear: running shoes, dress shoes, 19034boots, and slippers. The average woman has shoes 4 layers thick on the floor 19035of her closet. Most of them hurt her feet. 19036 19037Making friends: 19038 A woman will meet another woman with common interests, do a few things 19039together, and say something like, "I hope we can be good friends." 19040 A man will meet another man with common interests, do a few things 19041together, and say nothing. After years of interacting with this other man, 19042sharing hopes and fears that he wouldn't confide in his priest or 19043psychiatrist, he'll finally let down his guard in a fit of drunken 19044sentimentality and say something like, "You know, for someone who's such a 19045jerk, I guess you're OK." 19046% 19047FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #2 19048 19049Desserts: 19050 A woman will generally admire an ornate dessert for the artistic 19051work it is, praising its creator and waiting a suitable interval before 19052she reluctantly takes a small sliver off one edge. A man will start by 19053grabbing the cherry in the center. 19054 19055Car repair: 19056 The average man thinks his Y chromosome contains complete repair 19057manuals for every car made since World War II. He will work on a problem 19058himself until it either goes away or turns into something that "can't be 19059fixed without special tools". 19060 The average woman thinks "that funny thump-thump noise" is an 19061accurate description of an automotive problem. She will, however, have the 19062car serviced at the proper intervals and thereby incur fewer problems than 19063the average man. 19064% 19065FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #4 19066 19067Weddings: 19068 When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". 19069Men talk about "the bachelor party". 19070 19071Clothes: 19072 Men don't discard clothes. The average man still has the gym shirt 19073he wore in high school. He thinks a jacket is "just getting broken in" about 19074the time it develops holes in the elbows. A man will let new shirts sit on 19075the shelf in their original packaging for a couple of years before putting 19076them to use, hoping they'll become more comfortable with age. 19077 Women think clothes are radioactive, with a half-life of one year. 19078They exercise precautions to avoid contamination by last year's fashions. 19079% 19080FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #5 19081 19082Trust: 19083 The average woman would really like to be told if her mate is fooling 19084around behind her back. This same woman wouldn't tell her best friend if 19085she knew the best friends' mate was having an affair. She'll tell all her 19086OTHER friends, however. The average man won't say anything if he knows that 19087one of his friend's mates is fooling around, and he'd rather not know if 19088his mate is having an affair either, out of fear that it might be with one 19089of his friends. He will tell all his friends about his own affairs, though, 19090so they can be ready if he needs an alibi. 19091 19092Driving: 19093 19094 A typical man thinks he's Mario Andretti as soon as he slips behind 19095the wheel of his car. The fact that it's an 8-year-old Honda doesn't keep 19096him from trying to out-accelerate the guy in the Porsche who's attempting 19097to cut him off; freeway on-ramps are exciting challenges to see who has The 19098Right Stuff on the morning commute. Does he or doesn't he? Only his body 19099shop knows for sure. Insurance companies understand this behavior, and 19100price their policies accordingly. 19101 A woman will slow down to let a car merge in front of her, and get 19102rear-ended by another woman who was busy adding the finishing touches to 19103her makeup. 19104% 19105FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #6 19106 19107Bathrooms: 19108 A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, toothpaste, 19109shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. 19110The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man 19111would not be able to identify most of these items. 19112 19113Groceries: 19114 A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store 19115and buys these things. A man waits 'til the only items left in his fridge 19116are half a lime and a Blue Ribbon. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys 19117everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, 19118his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. 19119Of course, this will not stop him from entering the 10-items-or-less lane. 19120% 19121FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #8 19122 19123Going Out: 19124 When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go 19125out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready 19126to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup, 19127checks on the kids, makes a phone call to her best friend... 19128 19129Cats: 19130 Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't 19131looking, men kick cats. 19132 19133Offspring: 19134 Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows 19135about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends 19136and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. Men are vaguely 19137aware of some short people living in the house. 19138% 19139FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #9 19140 19141Laundry: 19142 Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article 19143of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight 19144years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, 19145he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain 19146of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at 19147the laundromat. This is a myth. 19148 19149Nicknames: 19150 If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, 19151they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if 19152Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately 19153refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless. 19154 19155Socks: 19156 Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. 19157Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures 19158of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back. 19159% 19160FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #10 19161 19162CARTABLANCA: 19163 Bogart stars as the owner of a North African nightclub that sells 19164 only Mexican beer. Of course, this policy gets him into no end of 19165 trouble with the local French authorities who would really prefer 19166 wine and the occupying Germans who believe that only their beer is 19167 fit to be sold. Wacky events ensue until the gripping climax in 19168 which the much-hated German beer distributor is drowned in a vat. 19169% 19170FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #11 19171 19172MONOPOLI: 19173 Peter Weir's classic film examining the false heroism of parlour 19174 games. The powerful ending of the film sees one young man after 19175 another charge toward GO, only to senselessly lose his life on the 19176 Boardwalk property. 19177% 19178FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #12 19179 19180O.E.D.: David Lean, 1969, 3 hours 30 min. 19181 19182 Lean's version of the Oxford Dictionary has been accused of 19183 shallowness in its treatment of a complete work. Omar Sharif 19184 tends to overact as aardvark, but Alec Guinness is solid in 19185 the role of abbacy. As usual, the photography is stunning. 19186 With Julie Christie. 19187% 19188FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #3 19189 19190MIRACLE ON 42ND STREET: 19191 Santa Claus, in the off season, follows his heart's desire and 19192 tries to make it big on Broadway. Santa sings and dances his way 19193 into your heart. 19194% 19195FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #4 19196 19197WITLESS: 19198 Peter Weir directs Sylvester Stallone in the most challenging role 19199 of his career. Stallone plays a Philadelphia police officer on the 19200 run from corrupt officials. He is wounded and then nursed back to 19201 health by Amish Mennonites. Fearful that they might unwittingly 19202 reveal his hiding place, he blows them all away. 19203% 19204FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #5 19205 19206THE ATOMIC GRANDMOTHER: 19207 This humorous but heart-warming story tells of an elderly woman 19208 forced to work at a nuclear power plant in order to help the family 19209 make ends meet. At night, granny sits on the porch, tells tales 19210 of her colorful past, and the family uses her to cook barbecues 19211 and to power small electrical appliances. Maureen Stapleton gives 19212 a glowing performance. 19213% 19214FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #6 19215 19216RAZORBACK: Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min. 19217 One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's, and 19218 arguably the best movie ever made about a large, man-eating 19219 hog. Some violence. With Gregory Harrison. 19220% 19221FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #7 19222 19223OUT OF "OUT OF AFRICA": 19224 This film is a compilation of selected news clips depicting audiences 19225 frantically pushing and shoving to get out of theatres where "Out of 19226 Africa" is showing. Many people are trampled to death in the frenzy. 19227 Due to its violence and offensive language, not recommended for 19228 younger viewers. 19229% 19230FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #8 19231 19232THE SMURFS AND THE CUISINART (1986) 19233 The lovable little blue Smurfs encounter a lovable little kitchen 19234 appliance, which invites them to play. The Smurfs learn a valuable 19235 (if sometimes fatal) lesson. 19236 19237THE SMURFS AND THE CARBON-DIOXIDE INDUSTRIAL LASER (1987) 19238 The inevitable sequel. The lovable and somewhat mangled surviving 19239 Smurfs team up with the Care Bears to encounter a cute, lovable piece 19240 of high-tech welding equipment, which teaches them the magic of 19241 becoming rather greasy smoke. Heartwarming fun for the entire family. 19242% 19243FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #9 19244 19245THE PARKING PROBLEM IN PARIS: Jean-Luc Godard, 1971, 7 hours 18 min. 19246 19247 Godard's meditation on the topic has been described as 19248 everything from "timeless" to "endless." (Remade by Gene 19249 Wilder as NO PLACE TO PARK.) 19250% 19251Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: 19252 19253It is a rule of evidence deduced from the experience of mankind and 19254supported by reason and authority that positive testimony is entitled to 19255more weight than negative testimony, but by the latter term is meant 19256negative testimony in its true sense and not positive evidence of a 19257negative, because testimony in support of a negative may be as positive 19258as that in support of an affirmative. 19259 -- 254 Pac. Rep. 472 19260% 19261Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: 19262 19263We can imagine no reason why, with ordinary care, human toes could not be 19264left out of chewing tobacco, and if toes are found in chewing tobacco, it 19265seems to us that someone has been very careless. 19266 -- 78 So. 365 19267% 19268Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: 19269 19270We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch" 19271may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine 19272species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used when applied to a female 19273of the human race. Coming as it did, reasonably close on the heels of two 19274revolver shots directed at the person of whom it was probably used, we think 19275it carries every reasonable implication of ill-will toward that person. 19276 -- Smith v. Moran, 193 N.E. 2d 466 19277% 19278FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #1 19279 19280Skilled oral communicator: 19281 Mumbles inaudibly when attempting to speak. Talks to self. 19282 Argues with self. Loses these arguments. 19283 19284Skilled written communicator: 19285 Scribbles well. Memos are invariable illegible, except for 19286 the portions that attribute recent failures to someone else. 19287 19288Growth potential: 19289 With proper guidance, periodic counseling, and remedial training, 19290 the reviewee may, given enough time and close supervision, meet 19291 the minimum requirements expected of him by the company. 19292 19293Key company figure: 19294 Serves as the perfect counter example. 19295% 19296FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #4 19297 19298Consistent: 19299 Reviewee hasn't gotten anything right yet, and it is anticipated 19300 that this pattern will continue throughout the coming year. 19301 19302An excellent sounding board: 19303 Present reviewee with any number of alternatives, and implement 19304 them in the order precisely opposite of his/her specification. 19305 19306A planner and organizer: 19307 Usually manages to put on socks before shoes. Can match the 19308 animal tags on his clothing. 19309% 19310FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #9 19311 19312Has management potential: 19313 Because of his intimate relationship with inanimate objects, the 19314 reviewee has been appointed to the critical position of department 19315 pencil monitor. 19316 19317Inspirational: 19318 A true inspiration to others. ("There, but for the grace of God, 19319 go I.") 19320 19321Adapts to stress: 19322 Passes wind, water, or out depending upon the severity of the 19323 situation. 19324 19325Goal oriented: 19326 Continually sets low goals for himself, and usually fails 19327 to meet them. 19328% 19329Fortune favors the lucky. 19330% 19331Fortune finishes the great quotations, #12 19332 19333 Those who can, do. Those who can't, write the instructions. 19334% 19335Fortune finishes the great quotations, #15 19336 19337 "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses." 19338 And while you're at it, throw in a couple of those Dallas 19339 Cowboy cheerleaders. 19340% 19341Fortune finishes the great quotations, #17 19342 19343 "This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath, 19344 May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet." 19345 Juliet, this bud's for you. 19346% 19347Fortune finishes the great quotations, #2 19348 19349 If at first you don't succeed, think how many people 19350 you've made happy. 19351% 19352Fortune finishes the great quotations, #21 19353 19354 Shall I compare thee to a Summer day? 19355 No, I guess not. 19356% 19357Fortune finishes the great quotations, #3 19358 19359 Birds of a feather flock to a newly washed car. 19360% 19361Fortune finishes the great quotations, #6 19362 19363 "But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?" 19364 It's nothing, honey. Go back to sleep. 19365% 19366Fortune finishes the great quotations, #9 19367 19368 A word to the wise is often enough to start an argument. 19369% 19370fortune: No such file or directory 19371% 19372fortune: not found 19373% 19374Fortune presents: 19375 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #1. 19376 19377^Cu vi parolas angle? Do you speak English? 19378Mi ne komprenas. I don't understand. 19379Vi estas la sola esperantisto kiun mi You're the only Esperanto speaker 19380 renkontas. I've met. 19381La ^ceko estas enpo^stigita. The check is in the mail. 19382Oni ne povas, ^gin netrovi. You can't miss it. 19383Mi nur rigardadas. I'm just looking around. 19384Nu, ^sajnis bona ideo. Well, it seemed like a good idea. 19385% 19386Fortune presents: 19387 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #2. 19388 19389^Cu tiu loko estas okupita? Is this seat taken? 19390^Cu vi ofte venas ^ci-tien? Do you come here often? 19391^Cu mi povas havi via telelonnumeron? May I have your phone number? 19392Mi estas komputilisto. I work with computers. 19393Mi legas multe da scienca fikcio. I read a lot of science fiction. 19394^Cu necesas ke vi eliras? Do you really have to be going? 19395% 19396Fortune presents: 19397 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #5. 19398 19399Mi ^cevalovipus vin se mi havus I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse. 19400 ^cevalon. 19401Vere vi ^sercas. You must be kidding. 19402Nu, parDOOOOOnu min! Well exCUUUUUSE me! 19403Kiu invitis vin? Who invited you? 19404Kion vi diris pri mia patrino? What did you say about my mother? 19405Bu^so^stopu min per kulero. Gag me with a spoon. 19406% 19407FORTUNE PRESENTS FAMOUS LAST WORDS: #4 19408 19409Socrates: I DRANK WHAT!?!? 19410Tarzan: Who greased the grape viiiiiiiiiiiinnnneee........ 19411Al Capone: There's a violin in my violin case! 19412Pilot, TWA Fl. #343: What's a mountain goat doing 'way up here? 19413% 19414FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #13 19415 19416A: Doc, Happy, Bashful, Dopey, Sneezy, Sleepy, & Grumpy 19417Q: Who were the Democratic presidential candidates? 19418% 19419FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #15 19420 19421A: The Royal Canadian Mounted Police. 19422Q: What was the greatest achievement in taxidermy? 19423% 19424FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #19 19425 19426A: To be or not to be. 19427Q: What is the square root of 4b^2? 19428% 19429FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #21 19430 19431A: Dr. Livingston I. Presume. 19432Q: What's Dr. Presume's full name? 19433% 19434FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #31 19435 19436A: Chicken Teriyaki. 19437Q: What is the name of the world's oldest kamikaze pilot? 19438% 19439FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #4 19440 19441A: Go west, young man, go west! 19442Q: What do wabbits do when they get tiwed of wunning awound? 19443% 19444FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #5 19445 19446A: The Halls of Montezuma and the Shores of Tripoli. 19447Q: Name two families whose kids won't join the Marines. 19448% 19449FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #5 19450 19451 "And, and, and, and, but, but, but, but!" 19452 -- Mrs. Janice Markowsky, April 8, 1965 19453% 19454FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #6 19455 19456 "Johnny, if you fall and break your leg, don't come running to me!" 19457 -- Mrs. Emily Barstow, June 16, 1954 19458% 19459Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands! 19460 19461Try: 19462 ar t "God" 19463 drink < bottle; opener (Bourne Shell) 19464 cat "food in tin cans" (all but 4.[23]BSD) 19465 Hey UNIX! Got a match? (V6 or C shell) 19466 mkdir matter; cat > matter (Bourne Shell) 19467 rm God 19468 man: Why did you get a divorce? (C shell) 19469 date me (anything up to 4.3BSD) 19470 make "heads or tails of all this" 19471 who is smart 19472 (C shell) 19473 If I had a ) for every dollar of the national debt, what would I have? 19474 sleep with me (anything up to 4.3BSD) 19475% 19476Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samurai 19477sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles. 19478 19479Oh, and have a nice day! 19480 -- Bryce Nesbitt '84 19481% 19482Fortune's Contribution of the Month to the Animal Rights Debate: 19483 19484 I'll stay out of animals' way if they'll stay out of mine. 19485 "Hey you, get off my plate" 19486 -- Roger Midnight 19487% 19488Fortune's current rates: 19489 19490 Answers .10 19491 Long answers .25 19492 Answers requiring thought .50 19493 Correct answers $1.00 19494 19495 Dumb looks are still free. 19496% 19497Fortune's diet truths: 194981: Forget what the cookbooks say, plain yogurt tastes nothing like sour cream. 194992: Any recipe calling for soybeans tastes like mud. 195003: Carob is not an acceptable substitute for chocolate. In fact, carob is not 19501 an acceptable substitute for anything, except, perhaps, brown shoe polish. 195024: There is no such thing as a "fun salad." So let's stop pretending and see 19503 salads for what they are: God's punishment for being fat. 195045: Fruit salad without maraschino cherries and marshmallows is about as 19505 appealing as tepid beer. 195066: A world lacking gravy is a tragic place! 195077: You should immediately pass up any recipes entitled "luscious and 19508 low-cal." Also skip dishes featuring "lively liver." They aren't and 19509 it isn't. 195108: Wearing a blindfold often makes many diet foods more palatable. 195119: Fresh fruit is not dessert. CAKE is dessert! 1951210: Okra tastes slightly worse than its name implies. 1951311: A plain baked potato isn't worth the effort involved in chewing and 19514 swallowing. 19515% 19516Fortune's Exercising Truths: 19517 195181: Richard Simmons gets paid to exercise like a lunatic. You don't. 195192. Aerobic exercises stimulate and speed up the heart. So do heart attacks. 195203. Exercising around small children can scar them emotionally for life. 195214. Sweating like a pig and gasping for breath is not refreshing. 195225. No matter what anyone tells you, isometric exercises cannot be done 19523 quietly at your desk at work. People will suspect manic tendencies as 19524 you twitter around in your chair. 195256. Next to burying bones, the thing a dog enjoys most is tripping joggers. 195267. Locking four people in a tiny, cement-walled room so they can run around 19527 for an hour smashing a little rubber ball -- and each other -- with a hard 19528 racket should immediately be recognized for what it is: a form of insanity. 195298. Fifty push-ups, followed by thirty sit-ups, followed by ten chin-ups, 19530 followed by one throw-up. 195319. Any activity that can't be done while smoking should be avoided. 19532% 19533FORTUNE'S FAVORITE RECIPES: #8 19534 Christmas Rum Cake 19535 195361 or 2 quarts rum 1 tbsp. baking powder 195371 cup butter 1 tsp. soda 195381 tsp. sugar 1 tbsp. lemon juice 195392 large eggs 2 cups brown sugar 195402 cups dried assorted fruit 3 cups chopped English walnuts 19541 19542Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now 19543select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again. It 19544must be just right. Be sure the rum is of the highest quality. Pour one cup 19545of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. With an electric 19546mixer, beat one cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of tugar 19547and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure the rum teh absolutely highest quality. 19548Sample another cup. Open second quart as necessary. Add 2 orge laggs, 2 cups 19549of fried druit and beat untill high. If the fried druit gets stuck in the 19550beaters, just pry it loose with a screwdriver. Sample the rum again, checking 19551for toncisticity. Next sift 3 cups of baking powder, a pinch of rum, a 19552seaspoon of toda and a cup of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter). 19553Sample some more. Sift 912 pint of lemon juice. Fold in schopped butter and 19554strained chups. Add bablespoon of brown gugar, or whatever color you have. 19555Mix mell. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees and rake until 19556poothtick comes out crean. 19557% 19558Fortune's Fictitious Country Song Title of the Week: 19559 "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?" 19560% 19561FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1 19562 A guinea pig is not from Guinea but a rodent from South America. 19563 A firefly is not a fly, but a beetle. 19564 A giant panda bear is really a member of the raccoon family. 19565 A black panther is really a leopard that has a solid black coat 19566 rather than a spotted one. 19567 Peanuts are not really nuts. The majority of nuts grow on trees 19568 while peanuts grow underground. They are classified as a 19569 legume-part of the pea family. 19570 A cucumber is not a vegetable but a fruit. 19571% 19572FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14 19573 The Baby Ruth candy bar was not named after George Herman "The Babe" 19574Ruth, but after the oldest daughter of President Grover Cleveland. 19575% 19576FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #37 19577 Can you name the seven seas? 19578 Antarctic, Arctic, North Atlantic, South Atlantic, Indian, 19579 North Pacific, South Pacific. 19580 Can you name the seven dwarfs from Snow White? 19581 Doc, Dopey, Sneezy, Happy, Grumpy, Sleepy and Bashful. 19582% 19583FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #44 19584 Zebra's are colored with dark stripes on a light background. 19585% 19586FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #108 19587 19588In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless 19589there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red 19590flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians. 19591% 19592FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14 19593 According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath 19594at least once a year. 19595% 19596FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #16 19597 19598The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas River 19599can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock. 19600% 19601FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #19 19602 A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in 19603his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and exceptional 19604ability in that particular field." 19605% 19606FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1 19607 19608In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own 19609at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public. 19610% 19611FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #2 19612 Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa. 19613% 19614FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #3 19615 A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the 19616movies insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the 19617right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them. 19618% 19619FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #8 19620 19621 Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart 19622a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds. 19623% 19624Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month): 19625 19626 Don't Write On Walls! 19627 19628 (and underneath) 19629 19630 You want I should type? 19631% 19632Fortune's Great Moments in History: #3 19633 19634August 27, 1949: 19635 A Hall of Fame opened to honor outstanding members of the 19636 Women's Air Corp. It was a WAC's Museum. 19637% 19638FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #14 19639What to do... 19640 if reality disappears? 19641 Hope this one doesn't happen to you. There isn't much that you 19642 can do about it. It will probably be quite unpleasant. 19643 19644 if you meet an older version of yourself who has invented a time 19645 traveling machine, and has come from the future to meet you? 19646 Play this one by the book. Ask about the stock market and cash in. 19647 Don't forget to invent a time traveling machine and visit your 19648 younger self before you die, or you will create a paradox. If you 19649 expect this to be tricky, make sure to ask for the principles 19650 behind time travel, and possibly schematics. Never, NEVER, ask 19651 when you'll die, or if you'll marry your current SO. 19652% 19653FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #2 19654What to do... 19655 if you get a phone call from Mars: 19656 Speak slowly and be sure to enunciate your words properly. Limit 19657 your vocabulary to simple words. Try to determine if you are 19658 speaking to someone in a leadership capacity, or an ordinary citizen. 19659 19660 if he, she or it doesn't speak English? 19661 Hang up. There's no sense in trying to learn Martian over the phone. 19662 If your Martian really had something important to say to you, he, she 19663 or it would have taken the trouble to learn the language before 19664 calling. 19665 19666 if you get a phone call from Jupiter? 19667 Explain to your caller, politely but firmly, that being from Jupiter, 19668 he, she or it is not "life as we know it". Try to terminate the 19669 conversation as soon as possible. It will not profit you, and the 19670 charges may have been reversed. 19671% 19672FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #6 19673What to do... 19674 if a starship, equipped with an FTL hyperdrive lands in your backyard? 19675 First of all, do not run after your camera. You will not have any 19676 film, and, given the state of computer animation, noone will believe 19677 you anyway. Be polite. Remember, if they have an FTL hyperdrive, 19678 they can probably vaporize you, should they find you to be rude. 19679 Direct them to the White House lawn, which is where they probably 19680 wanted to land, anyway. A good road map should help. 19681 19682 if you wake up in the middle of the night, and discover that your 19683 closet contains an alternate dimension? 19684 Don't walk in. You almost certainly will not be able to get back, 19685 and alternate dimensions are almost never any fun. Remain calm 19686 and go back to bed. Close the door first, so that the cat does not 19687 wander off. Check your closet in the morning. If it still contains 19688 an alternate dimension, nail it shut. 19689% 19690Fortune's Guide to Freshman Notetaking: 19691 19692WHEN THE PROFESSOR SAYS: YOU WRITE: 19693 19694Probably the greatest quality of the poetry John Milton -- born 1608 19695of John Milton, who was born in 1608, is the 19696combination of beauty and power. Few have 19697excelled him in the use of the English language, 19698or for that matter, in lucidity of verse form, 19699'Paradise Lost' being said to be the greatest 19700single poem ever written." 19701 19702Current historians have come to Most of the problems that now 19703doubt the complete advantageousness face the United States are 19704of some of Roosevelt's policies... directly traceable to the 19705 bungling and greed of President 19706 Roosevelt. 19707 19708... it is possible that we simply do Professor Mitchell is a 19709not understand the Russian viewpoint... communist. 19710% 19711Fortune's Law of the Week (this week, from Kentucky): 19712 No female shall appear in a bathing suit at any airport in this 19713State unless she is escorted by two officers or unless she is armed 19714with a club. The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females 19715weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it 19716apply to female horses. 19717% 19718Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful Morals 19719goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan. During an impassioned 19720House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and clam research," a 19721sharp-eared informant transcribed the following exchange between our hero 19722and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan. 19723 19724Dingell: "There are places in the world at the present time where we are 19725 having to artificially propagate oysters and clams." 19726Hoffman: "You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters?" 19727Dingell: "They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter is 19728 that female oysters through their living habits cast out large 19729 amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large amounts of 19730 fertilization." 19731Hoffman: "Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many 19732 teenagers who read The Congressional Record." 19733% 19734Fortune's Office Door Sign of the Week: 19735 19736 Incorrigible punster -- Do not incorrige. 19737% 19738FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS: #14 19739 19740 Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to 19741your good liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert 19742and light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything 19743drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck. 19744% 19745Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #18: 19746 19747Q: Are you married? 19748A: No, I'm divorced. 19749Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him? 19750A: A lot of things I didn't know about. 19751% 19752Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #19: 19753 19754Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? 19755A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people. 19756% 19757Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #29: 19758 19759THE JUDGE: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present 19760 information and prejudice from your minds, if you have 19761 any ... 19762% 19763Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #32: 19764 19765Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now? 19766A: I will be three months November 8th. 19767Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th? 19768A: Yes. 19769Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time? 19770% 19771Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #37: 19772 19773Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears? 19774A: No. 19775Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears? 19776A: Picking them up in the air. 19777Q: Where was the dog at this time? 19778A: Attached to the ears. 19779% 19780Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #3: 19781 19782Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were 19783 able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to 19784 go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with 19785 him to the station? 19786MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot. 19787% 19788Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #41: 19789 19790Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? 19791A: By death. 19792Q: And by whose death was it terminated? 19793% 19794Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52: 19795 19796Q: What is your name? 19797A: Ernestine McDowell. 19798Q: And what is your marital status? 19799A: Fair. 19800% 19801Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #7: 19802 19803Q: What happened then? 19804A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify 19805 me." 19806Q: Did he kill you? 19807A: No. 19808% 19809Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #2 19810 19811Given the incredible advances in sociocybernetics and telepsychology over 19812the last few years, we are now able to completely understand everything that 19813the author of a memo is trying to say. Thanks to modern developments 19814in electrocommunications like notes, vnews, and electricity, we have an 19815incredible level of interunderstanding the likes of which civilization has 19816never known. Thus, the possibility of your misinterpreting someone else's 19817memo is practically nil. Knowing this, anyone who accuses you of having 19818done so is a liar, and should be treated accordingly. If you *do* understand 19819the memo in question, but have absolutely nothing of substance to say, then 19820you have an excellent opportunity for a vicious ad hominem attack. In fact, 19821the only *inappropriate* times for an ad hominem attack are as follows: 19822 19823 1: When you agree completely with the author of a memo. 19824 2: When the author of the original memo is much bigger than you are. 19825 3: When replying to one of your own memos. 19826% 19827FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #2 19828 19829 Never goose a wolverine. 19830% 19831FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #23 19832 19833 Don't cut off a police car when making an illegal U-turn. 19834% 19835Forty isn't old, if you're a tree. 19836% 19837Four be the things I am wiser to know: 19838 Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe. 19839 19840Four be the things I'd been better without: 19841 Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt. 19842 19843Three be the things I shall never attain: 19844 Envy, content, and sufficient champagne. 19845 19846Three be the things I shall have till I die: 19847 Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye. 19848 -- Dorothy Parker, "Inventory" 19849% 19850Four fifths of the perjury in the world is expended on 19851tombstones, women and competitors. 19852 -- Lord Thomas Robert Dewar 19853% 19854Four hours to bury the cat? 19855Yes, damn thing wouldn't keep still, kept mucking about, 'owling... 19856% 19857Fourteen years in the professor dodge has taught me that one can argue 19858ingeniously on behalf of any theory, applied to any piece of literature. 19859This is rarely harmful, because normally no-one reads such essays. 19860 -- Robert Parker, quoted in "Murder Ink", ed. D. Wynn 19861% 19862Fourth Law of Applied Terror: 19863 The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology 19864 instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. 19865 19866Corollary: 19867 Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except 19868 study for that instructor's course. 19869% 19870Fourth Law of Revision: 19871 It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about 19872 interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one 19873 for you. 19874% 19875Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: If the probability of success is not 19876almost one, it is damn near zero. 19877 -- David Ellis 19878% 19879Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a 19880policeman's tie. 19881% 19882Frankly, Scarlett, I don't have a fix. 19883 -- Rhett Buggler 19884% 19885Fraud is the homage that force pays to reason. 19886 -- Charles Curtis, "A Commonplace Book" 19887% 19888Free Speech Is The Right To Shout "Theater" In A Crowded Fire. 19889 -- A Yippie proverb 19890% 19891Freedom begins when you tell Mrs. Grundy to go fly a kite. 19892% 19893Freedom from incrustation of grime is contiguous to rectitude. 19894% 19895Freedom is nothing else but the chance to do better. 19896 -- Camus 19897% 19898Freedom is slavery. 19899Ignorance is strength. 19900War is peace. 19901 -- George Orwell 19902% 19903Freedom of the press is for those who happen to own one. 19904% 19905Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose. 19906 -- Kris Kristofferson, "Me and Bobby McGee" 19907% 19908Fremen add life to spice! 19909% 19910Fresco's Discovery: 19911 If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored. 19912% 19913Friction is a drag. 19914% 19915Fried's 1st Rule: 19916 Increased automation of clerical function 19917 invariably results in increased operational costs. 19918% 19919Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. 19920 -- Thomas Jones 19921% 19922Friends, n.: 19923 People who borrow your books and set wet glasses on them. 19924 19925 People who know you well, but like you anyway. 19926% 19927Friends, Romans, Hipsters, 19928Let me clue you in; 19929I come to put down Caesar, not to groove him. 19930The square kicks some cats are on stay with them; 19931The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caesar. The cool Brutus 19932Gave you the message: Caesar had big eyes; 19933If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea, 19934And, like, old Caesar really set them straight. 19935Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat; 19936So are they all, all cool cats, -- 19937Come I to make this gig at Caesar's laying down. 19938% 19939Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority 19940over the other. 19941 -- Honore de Balzac 19942% 19943Frisbeetarianism, n.: 19944 The belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and 19945 gets stuck. 19946% 19947Frobnicate, v.: 19948 To manipulate or adjust, to tweak. Derived from FROBNITZ. 19949Usually abbreviated to FROB. Thus one has the saying "to frob a 19950frob". See TWEAK and TWIDDLE. Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK 19951sometimes connote points along a continuum. FROB connotes aimless 19952manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse 19953search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning. If someone is 19954turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it 19955he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the 19956screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because 19957turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it. 19958% 19959Frobnitz, pl. Frobnitzem (frob'nitsm) n.: 19960 An unspecified physical object, a widget. Also refers to 19961electronic black boxes. This rare form is usually abbreviated to 19962FROTZ, or more commonly to FROB. Also used are FROBNULE, FROBULE, and 19963FROBNODULE. Starting perhaps in 1979, FROBBOZ (fruh-bahz'), pl. 19964FROBBOTZIM, has also become very popular, largely due to its exposure 19965via the Adventure spin-off called Zork (Dungeon). These can also be 19966applied to non-physical objects, such as data structures. 19967% 19968From 0 to "what seems to be the problem officer" in 8.3 seconds. 19969 -- Ad for the new VW Corrado 19970% 19971From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back. 19972That is the point that must be reached. 19973 -- F. Kafka 19974% 19975From a Tru64 patch description: 19976 19977 Fixes a bug that causes a panic due to software error 19978% 19979[From an announcement of a congress of the International Ontopsychology 19980Association, in Rome]: 19981 19982The Ontopsychological school, availing itself of new research criteria 19983and of a new telematic epistemology, maintains that social modes do not 19984spring from dialectics of territory or of class, or of consumer goods, 19985or of means of power, but rather from dynamic latencies capillarized in 19986millions of individuals in system functions which, once they have 19987reached the event maturation, burst forth in catastrophic phenomenology 19988engaging a suitable stereotype protagonist or duty marionette (general, 19989president, political party, etc.) to consummate the act of social 19990schizophrenia in mass genocide. 19991% 19992From Italian tourist guide: 19993 19994 "Non stop trains to Roma Termini Station leave from 7.38 19995 a.m. to 10.08 p.m., hourly." 19996% 19997From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance. 19998% 19999From the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first. 20000 -- Bertolt Brecht 20001% 20002From the crystal swirling waters, 20003Of the Rio Amazon, 20004To the sacred halls of Bayonne, 20005Where we stand pajamas on. (It's the only thing that rhymes.) 20006From ev'ry hallowed venue, 20007Ev'ry forest, mount and vale, 20008Your butt is on the menu 20009And the check is in the mail. 20010 -- The Piranha Club Anthem, to the tune of "De Camptown Races" 20011% 20012From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was 20013convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. 20014 -- Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults" 20015% 20016[From the operation manual for the CI-300 Dot Matrix Line Printer, made 20017in Japan]: 20018 20019The excellent output machine of MODEL CI-300 as extraordinary DOT 20020MATRIX LINE PRINTER, built in two MICRO-PROCESSORs as well as EAROM, is 20021featured by permitting wonderful co-existence such as; "high quality 20022against low cost", "diversified functions with compact design", 20023"flexibility in accessibleness and durability of approx. 2000,000,00 20024Dot/Head", "being sophisticated in mechanism but possibly agile 20025operating under noises being extremely suppressed" etc. 20026 20027And as a matter of course, the final goal is just simply to help 20028achieve "super shuttle diplomacy" between cool data, perhaps earned by 20029HOST COMPUTER, and warm heart of human being. 20030% 20031From the pages of Open Systems Today - October 13, 1994 .......... 20032 20033 "The International Standards Organization (ISO) and the 20034 International Electrotechnical Commission (IEC) designated 20035 October 14 as World Standards Day to recognize those 20036 volunteers who have worked hard to define international 20037 standards.......The United States celebrated World Standards 20038 Day on October 11; Finland celebrated on October 13; and 20039 Italy celebrated on October 18." 20040% 20041From the Pointless Comparison Collection: 20042 20043 To give you an idea of how sensitive these antennas are, 20044 if we were to "listen" to one spacecraft in the outer solar 20045 system by Jupiter or Saturn for 1 billion years and add up 20046 all the signal we collected, it would be enough power to 20047 set off the flash bulb on your camera once. 20048 20049 -- Peter Doms, manager of the Deep Space Network 20050 systems program at JPL 20051% 20052From the Pro 350 Pocket Service Guide, p. 49, Step 5 of the 20053instructions on removing an I/O board from the card cage, comes a new 20054experience in sound: 20055 20056 5. Turn the handle to the right 90 degrees. The pin-spreading 20057 sound is normal for this type of connector. 20058% 20059From too much love of living, 20060From hope and fear set free, 20061We thank with brief thanksgiving, 20062Whatever gods may be, 20063That no life lives forever, 20064That dead men rise up never, 20065That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea. 20066 -- Swinburne 20067% 20068Fuch's Warning: 20069 If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well 20070 enough to travel. 20071% 20072Fudd's First Law of Opposition: 20073 Push something hard enough and it will fall over. 20074% 20075Fun experiments: 20076 Get a can of shaving cream, throw it in a freezer for about a week. 20077 Then take it out, peel the metal off and put it where you want... 20078 bedroom, car, etc. As it thaws, it expands an unbelievable amount. 20079% 20080Fun Facts, #14: 20081 In table tennis, whoever gets 21 points first wins. That's how 20082 it once was in baseball -- whoever got 21 runs first won. 20083% 20084Fun Facts, #63: 20085 The name California was given to the state by Spanish conquistadores. 20086 It was the name of an imaginary island, a paradise on earth, in the 20087 Spanish romance, "Les Serges de Esplandian", written by Montalvo in 20088 1510. 20089% 20090Function reject. 20091% 20092Fundamentally, there may be no basis for anything. 20093% 20094Furbling, v.: 20095 Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank 20096 even when you are the only person in line. 20097 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 20098% 20099Furious activity is no substitute for understanding. 20100 -- H. H. Williams 20101% 20102Furthermore, if we send something by car, it's a shipment... 20103but if we send it by ship, it's cargo. 20104% 20105Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening. 20106% 20107Future will arrive by its own means. Progress not so. 20108 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 20109% 20110G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: "Go on writing plays, my boy. One 20111of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his 20112secretary, `Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says 20113`No,' he will say, `Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.' And 20114that's your chance, my boy." 20115% 20116Galbraith's Law of Human Nature: 20117 Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that 20118 there is no need to do so, almost everybody gets busy on the proof. 20119% 20120Garbage In - Gospel Out. 20121% 20122Garter, n.: 20123 An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her 20124 stockings and desolating the country. 20125 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 20126% 20127Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall on 20128our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!! 20129 -- Adventures of Asterix 20130% 20131Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep". 20132 20133 Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound 20134than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference: 20135 "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling." 20136Obvious, isn't it? 20137 Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start 20138speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as 20139long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all 20140your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and 20141so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed 20142individuals and then grow ... 20143 Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those 20144signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when 20145everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on 20146the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs 20147backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? I 20148think not, my friend, I think not. 20149 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 20150% 20151GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) 20152 A day to take the initiative. Put the garbage out, for 20153 instance, and pick up the stuff at the dry cleaners. Watch 20154 the mail carefully, although there won't be anything good 20155 in it today, either. 20156% 20157GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) 20158 You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you 20159because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much 20160for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for 20161committing incest. 20162% 20163GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20) 20164 Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while 20165you can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy praise 20166and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker. A short 20167trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room. 20168% 20169Genderplex, n.: 20170 The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to 20171 determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and 20172 tortoises). 20173 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 20174% 20175Genealogy, n.: 20176 An account of one's descent from an ancestor 20177 who did not particularly care to trace his own. 20178 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 20179% 20180General notions are generally wrong. 20181 -- Lady M. W. Montagu 20182% 20183Generally speaking, the Way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death. 20184 -- Miyamoto Musashi, 1645 20185% 20186Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. 20187% 20188Generic Fortune. 20189% 20190Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals. 20191% 20192Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why 20193you should. 20194% 20195GENIUS: 20196 Person clever enough to be born in the right place at the right 20197 time of the right sex and to follow up this advantage by saying 20198 all the right things to all the right people. 20199% 20200Genius does what it must, and Talent does what it can. 20201 -- Owen Meredith 20202% 20203Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration. 20204 -- Thomas Alva Edison 20205% 20206Genius is pain. 20207 -- John Lennon 20208% 20209Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains. 20210% 20211Genius is the talent of a person who is dead. 20212% 20213Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped. 20214 -- Elbert Hubbard 20215% 20216Genius, n.: 20217 A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with 20218 "bright". 20219% 20220Genlock, n.: 20221 Why he stays in the bottle. 20222% 20223Gentlemen, 20224 Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach 20225to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying 20226with your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship from London to Lisbon and 20227thence by dispatch to our headquarters. 20228 We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all 20229manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me accountable. 20230I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every officer. 20231Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable 20232exceptions for which I beg your indulgence. 20233 Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted 20234for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been a hideous 20235confusion as to the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry 20236regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness 20237may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are war with France, a 20238fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall. 20239 This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of 20240my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better understand 20241why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe that perforce it 20242must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I shall pursue either 20243one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both: 20244 1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit 20245of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance: 20246 2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain. 20247 -- Duke of Wellington, to the British Foreign Office, 20248 London, 1812 20249% 20250Gentlemen do not read each other's mail. 20251 -- Secretary of State Henry Stimson, on closing down 20252 the Black Chamber, the precursor to the National 20253 Security Agency. 20254% 20255Genuine happiness is when a wife sees a double chin on her husband's 20256old girl friend. 20257% 20258George Bernard Shaw once sent two tickets to the opening night of one of 20259his plays to Winston Churchill with the following note: 20260 "Bring a friend, if you have one." 20261 20262Churchill wrote back, returning the two tickets and excused himself as he 20263had a previous engagement. He also attached the following: 20264 "Please send me two tickets for the next night, if there is one." 20265% 20266George Orwell 1984. Northwestern 0. 20267 -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82 20268% 20269George Orwell was an optimist. 20270% 20271George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to 20272have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend. 20273 -- Ashley Cooper 20274% 20275George's friend Sam had a dog who could recite the Gettysburg Address. "Let 20276me buy him from you," pleaded George after a demonstration. 20277 "Okay," agreed Sam. "All he knows is that Lincoln speech anyway." 20278 At his company's Fourth of July picnic, George brought his new pet 20279and announced that the animal could recite the entire Gettysburg Address. 20280No one believed him, and they proceeded to place bets against the dog. 20281George quieted the crowd and said, "Now we'll begin!" Then he looked at 20282the dog. The dog looked back. No sound. "Come on, boy, do your stuff." 20283Nothing. A disappointed George took his dog and went home. 20284 "Why did you embarrass me like that in front of everybody?" George 20285yelled at the dog. "Do you realize how much money you lost me?" 20286 "Don't be silly, George," replied the dog. "Think of the odds we're 20287gonna get on Labor Day." 20288% 20289(German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, complained, "Only 20290one man ever understood me." He fell silent for a while and then added, 20291"And he didn't understand me." 20292% 20293Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics: 20294 1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction. 20295 2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place. 20296 3) The energy required to change either one of these states 20297 will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so 20298 much as to make the task totally impossible. 20299% 20300Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty. 20301% 20302Get in touch with your feelings of hostility against the dying light. 20303 -- Dylan Thomas 20304% 20305Get Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your children! 20306% 20307Getting into trouble is easy. 20308 -- D. Winkel and F. Prosser 20309% 20310Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kicked 20311out of the Book-of-the-Month Club. 20312 -- Melvin Belli on the occasion of his getting kicked out 20313 of the American Bar Association 20314% 20315Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules. 20316 20317Corollary: 20318 Following the rules will not get the job done. 20319% 20320Getting there is only half as far as getting there and back. 20321% 20322Gibson's Springtime Song (to the tune of "Deck the Halls"): 20323 20324'Tis the season to chase mousies (Fa la la la la, la la la la) 20325Snatch them from their little housies (...) 20326First we chase them 'round the field (...) 20327Then we have them for a meal (...) 20328 20329Toss them here and catch them there (...) 20330See them flying through the air (...) 20331Watch them fly and hear them squeal (...) 20332Falling mice have great appeal (...) 20333 20334See the hunter stretched before us (...) 20335He's chased the mice in field and forest (...) 20336Watch him clean his long white whiskers (...) 20337Of the blood of little critters (...) 20338% 20339Gilbert's Discovery: 20340 Any attempt to use the new super glues results in the two pieces 20341 sticking to your thumb and index finger rather than to each other. 20342% 20343Gil-galad was an Elven-King 20344of him the harpers sadly sing; 20345the last whose realm was fair and free 20346between the Mountains and the Sea. 20347 20348His sword was long, his lance was keen, 20349his shining helm afar was seen; 20350the countless stars of heaven's field 20351were mirrored in his silver shield. 20352 20353But long ago he rode away, 20354and where he dwelleth none can say; 20355for into darkness fell his star 20356in Mordor where the shadows are. 20357% 20358Ginger Snap 20359% 20360Ginsberg's Theorem: 20361 1. You can't win. 20362 2. You can't break even. 20363 3. You can't even quit the game. 20364 20365Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem: 20366 Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem 20367 meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's 20368 Theorem. To wit: 20369 20370 1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win. 20371 2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even. 20372 3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game. 20373% 20374Ginsburg's Law: 20375 At the precise moment you take off your shoe in a shoe store, your 20376 big toe will pop out of your sock to see what's going on. 20377% 20378GIVE: Support the helpless victims of computer error. 20379% 20380Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. 20381Teach a man to fish, and he'll invite himself over for dinner. 20382 -- Calvin Keegan 20383% 20384Give a small boy a hammer and he will find 20385that everything he encounters needs pounding. 20386% 20387Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it. 20388% 20389Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down 20390that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File". 20391% 20392Give him an evasive answer. 20393% 20394Give me a fish and I will eat today. 20395Teach me to fish and I will eat forever. 20396% 20397Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh dome, and a place 20398to stand, and I will drain the world. 20399% 20400Give me a sleeping pill and tell me your troubles. 20401% 20402Give me chastity and continence, but not just now. 20403 -- St. Augustine 20404% 20405Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war. 20406 -- Napoleon 20407% 20408Give me libertines or give me meth. 20409% 20410Give me the avowed, the erect, the manly foe, 20411Bold I can meet -- perhaps may turn his blow! 20412But of all plagues, good Heaven, thy wrath can send, 20413Save me, oh save me from the candid friend. 20414 -- George Canning 20415% 20416Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities! 20417% 20418Give me your students, your secretaries, 20419Your huddled writers yearning to breathe free, 20420The wretched refuse of your Selectric III's. 20421Give these, the homeless, typist-tossed to me. 20422I lift my disk beside the processor. 20423 -- Inscription on a Word Processor 20424% 20425Give thought to your reputation. 20426Consider changing your name and moving to a new town. 20427% 20428GIVE UP!!!! 20429% 20430Give your child mental blocks for Christmas. 20431% 20432Give your very best today. 20433Heaven knows it's little enough. 20434% 20435Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief. 20436 -- William Faulkner 20437% 20438Given its constituency, the only thing I expect to be "open" about [the 20439Open Software Foundation] is its mouth. 20440 -- John Gilmore 20441% 20442Given my druthers, I'd druther not. 20443% 20444Given sufficient time, what you put 20445off doing today will get done by itself. 20446% 20447Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around, 20448I'd rather lie around. No contest. 20449 -- Eric Clapton 20450% 20451Giving money and power to governments is like giving whiskey and 20452car keys to teenage boys. 20453 -- P. J. O'Rourke 20454% 20455Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden: 20456Languages whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful. The LISP 20457machine now permits LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf. 20458 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 20459% 20460Gleemites, n.: 20461 Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks. 20462 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 20463% 20464Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability: 20465 Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the 20466 probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting 20467 some useful work done. 20468% 20469Gloffing is a state of mine. 20470% 20471Glogg (a traditional Scandinavian holiday drink): 20472 fifth of dry red wine 20473 fifth of Aquavit 20474 1 and 1/2 inch piece of cinnamon 20475 10 cardamom seeds 20476 1 cup raisins 20477 4 dried figs 20478 1 cup blanched or flaked almonds 20479 a few pieces of dried orange peel 20480 5 cloves 20481 1/2 lb. sugar cubes 20482 Heat up the wine and hard stuff (which may be substituted with wine 20483for the faint of heart) in a big pot after adding all the other stuff EXCEPT 20484the sugar cubes. Just when it reaches boiling, put the sugar in a wire 20485strainer, moisten it in the hot brew, lift it out and ignite it with a match. 20486Dip the sugar several times in the liquid until it is all dissolved. Serve 20487hot in cups with a few raisins and almonds in each cup. 20488 N.B. Aquavit may be hard to find and expensive to boot. Use it only 20489if you really have a deep-seated desire to be fussy, or if you are of Swedish 20490extraction. 20491% 20492Gnagloot, n.: 20493 A person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to 20494 impress people. 20495 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 20496% 20497Go ahead, make my day. 20498 -- (Dirty) Harry Callahan 20499% 20500Go away, I'm all right. 20501 -- H. G. Wells' last words 20502% 20503Go away! Stop bothering me with all your 20504"compute this ... compute that"! I'm taking a VAX-NAP. 20505 20506logout 20507% 20508Go climb a gravity well. 20509% 20510Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200. 20511% 20512Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both yes and no. 20513 -- J. R. R. Tolkien 20514% 20515Go out and tell a lie that will make the whole family proud of you. 20516 -- Cadmus, to Pentheus, in "The Bacchae" by Euripides 20517% 20518Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may 20519be in owning a piece thereof. 20520 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 20521% 20522Go slowly to the entertainments of thy friends, 20523but quickly to their misfortunes. 20524 -- Chilo 20525% 20526Go to a movie tonight. 20527Darkness becomes you. 20528% 20529Go to the Scriptures... the joyful promises it contains will be a balsam to 20530all your troubles. 20531 -- Andrew Jackson 20532 20533The foundations of our society and our government rest so much on the 20534teachings of the Bible that it would be difficult to support them if faith 20535in these teachings would cease to be practically universal in our country. 20536 -- Calvin Coolidge 20537 20538Lastly, our ancestors established their system of government on morality and 20539religious sentiment. Moral habits, they believed, cannot safely be trusted 20540on any other foundation than religious principle, nor any government be 20541secure which is not supported by moral habits. 20542 -- Daniel Webster 20543% 20544Go 'way! You're bothering me! 20545% 20546Goals... Plans... they're fantasies, they're part of a dream world... 20547 -- Wally Shawn 20548% 20549GOD: 20550 Darwin's chief rival. 20551% 20552God created a few perfect heads. 20553The rest he covered with hair. 20554% 20555God created woman. 20556And boredom did indeed cease from that moment -- 20557but many other things ceased as well. 20558Woman was God's second mistake. 20559 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 20560% 20561God did not create the world in seven days; he screwed around for six 20562days and then pulled an all-nighter. 20563% 20564God doesn't play dice. 20565 -- Albert Einstein 20566% 20567God gave man two ears and one tongue so 20568that we listen twice as much as we speak. 20569 -- Arab proverb 20570% 20571"God gives burdens; also shoulders." 20572 20573Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech at the 20574end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish saying; I 20575can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth though; why 20576would he lie about a thing like that? 20577 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 20578% 20579God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to 20580change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference. 20581% 20582God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little ... 20583The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty ... I do 20584not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman 20585... not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on 20586smoking and drinking beer. But the man who cannot live on bread and 20587water is not fit to live! A family may live on good bread and water in 20588the morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at 20589night! 20590 -- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher 20591% 20592God help the troubadour who tries to be a star. The more 20593that you try to find success, the more that you will fail. 20594 -- Phil Ochs, on the Second System Effect 20595% 20596God help those who do not help themselves. 20597 -- Wilson Mizner 20598% 20599God helps them that helps themselves. 20600 -- Benjamin Franklin 20601% 20602God, I ask for patience -- and I want it right now! 20603% 20604God instructs the heart, not by ideas, 20605but by pains and contradictions. 20606 -- De Caussade 20607% 20608God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh. 20609% 20610God is a polytheist. 20611% 20612God is Dead. 20613 -- Nietzsche 20614Nietzsche is Dead. 20615 -- God 20616Nietzsche is God. 20617 -- The Dead 20618% 20619God is dead and I don't feel all too well either.... 20620 -- Ralph Moonen 20621% 20622God is love, but get it in writing. 20623 -- Gypsy Rose Lee 20624% 20625God is not dead. He is alive and well and working on a 20626much less ambitious project. 20627% 20628God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's! 20629% 20630God is real, unless declared integer. 20631% 20632God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the 20633elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying 20634other things. 20635 -- Pablo Picasso 20636% 20637God is the tangential point between zero and infinity. 20638 -- Alfred Jarry 20639% 20640God isn't dead. He just doesn't want to get involved. 20641% 20642God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place. 20643% 20644God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through. 20645 -- Paul Valery 20646% 20647God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man. 20648% 20649God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board. 20650 -- Mark Twain 20651% 20652God made the integers; all else is the work of Man. 20653 -- Kronecker 20654% 20655God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh. 20656% 20657God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean. 20658 -- Albert Einstein 20659% 20660God must have loved calories, she made so many of them. 20661% 20662God must love the Common Man; He made so many of them. 20663% 20664God rest ye CS students now, The bearings on the drum are gone, 20665Let nothing you dismay. The disk is wobbling, too. 20666The VAX is down and won't be up, We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol 20667Until the first of May. Can't tell false from true. 20668The program that was due this morn, And now we find that we can't get 20669Won't be postponed, they say. At Berkeley's 4.2. 20670(chorus) (chorus) 20671 20672We've just received a call from DEC, And now some cheery news for you, 20673They'll send without delay The network's also dead, 20674A monitor called RSuX We'll have to print your files on 20675It takes nine hundred K. The line printer instead. 20676The staff committed suicide, The turnaround time's nineteen weeks. 20677We'll bury them today. And only cards are read. 20678(chorus) (chorus) 20679 20680And now we'd like to say to you CHORUS: Oh, tidings of comfort and joy, 20681Before we go away, Comfort and joy, 20682We hope the news we've brought to you Oh, tidings of comfort and joy. 20683Won't ruin your whole day. 20684You've got another program due, tomorrow, by the way. 20685(chorus) 20686 -- to God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen 20687% 20688God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, 20689and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. 20690 -- William Bragg 20691% 20692God said it, I believe it and that's all there is to it. 20693% 20694God save us from a bad neighbor and a beginner on the fiddle. 20695% 20696God shows his contempt for wealth by the kind of person he selects 20697to receive it. 20698 -- Austin O'Malley 20699% 20700God votes Republican. 20701% 20702God was satisfied with his own work, and that is fatal. 20703 -- Samuel Butler 20704% 20705Goda's Truism: 20706 By the time you get to the point where you can make ends meet, 20707 somebody moves the ends. 20708% 20709Going the speed of light is bad for your age. 20710% 20711Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to 20712school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a 20713person a car. 20714% 20715Gold, n.: 20716 A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It 20717is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich men who 20718immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, although gold 20719hasn't done anything to them. 20720 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 20721% 20722Goldenstern's Rules: 20723 1. Always hire a rich attorney. 20724 2. Never buy from a rich salesman. 20725% 20726Goldfish... what stupid animals. Even Wayne Cody stops 20727eating before he bursts. 20728% 20729Gold's Law: 20730 If the shoe fits, it's ugly. 20731% 20732Gomme's Laws: 20733 (1) A backscratcher will always find new itches. 20734 (2) Time accelerates. 20735 (3) The weather at home improves as soon as you go away. 20736% 20737Gone With The Wind LITE(tm) 20738 -- by Margaret Mitchell 20739 20740 A woman only likes men she can't have and the South gets trashed. 20741 20742Gift of the Magii LITE(tm) 20743 -- by O. Henry 20744 20745 A husband and wife forget to register their gift preferences. 20746 20747The Old Man and the Sea LITE(tm) 20748 -- by Ernest Hemingway 20749 20750 An old man goes fishing, but doesn't have much luck. 20751 20752Diary of a Young Girl LITE(tm) 20753 -- by Anne Frank 20754 20755 A young girl hides in an attic but is discovered. 20756% 20757Good advice is one of those insults that ought to be forgiven. 20758% 20759Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad 20760example. 20761 -- La Rochefoucauld 20762% 20763Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall. 20764% 20765Good day for business affairs. 20766Make a pass at that the new file clerk. 20767% 20768Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase. 20769% 20770Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school. 20771% 20772Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to work. 20773% 20774Good day to deal with people in high places; 20775particularly lonely stewardesses. 20776% 20777Good day to let down old friends who need help. 20778% 20779Good evening, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational 20780at the HAL plant in Urbana, Illinois, on January 11th, nineteen hundred 20781ninety-five. My supervisor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a 20782song. If you would like, I could sing it for you. 20783% 20784Good, fast, and cheap. Choose any two. 20785% 20786Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere. 20787% 20788Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of 20789those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the 20790will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of 20791government, therefore, is the method of choosing leaders. 20792 -- Frank Herbert, "Children of Dune" 20793% 20794"Good health" is merely the slowest rate at which one can die. 20795% 20796Good judgment comes from experience. 20797Experience comes from bad judgment. 20798 -- Jim Horning 20799% 20800Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed. 20801% 20802Good morning. This is the telephone company. Due to repairs, we're 20803giving you advance notice that your service will be cut off indefinitely 20804at ten o'clock. That's two minutes from now. 20805% 20806Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day. 20807% 20808Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor. 20809% 20810Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance. 20811% 20812Good night, Austin, Texas, wherever you are! 20813% 20814Good night, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are. 20815% 20816Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's 20817new lover. 20818% 20819Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry. 20820 -- R. E. Schenk 20821% 20822Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths good theatre. 20823 -- Gail Godwin 20824% 20825Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored. 20826 -- George Saunders' dying words 20827% 20828Goodbye, cool world. 20829% 20830Gordon's first law: 20831 If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing 20832 well. 20833% 20834Gordon's Law: 20835 If you think you have the solution, the question was poorly phrased. 20836% 20837Gosh that takes me back... or is it forward? That's the trouble with 20838time travel, you never can tell. 20839 -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who: Androids of Tara" 20840% 20841Gossip, n.: 20842 Hearing something you like about someone you don't. 20843 -- Earl Wilson 20844% 20845//GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH 20846% 20847Got a complaint about the Internal Revenue Service? 20848Call the convenient toll-free "IRS Taxpayer Complaint Hot Line Number": 20849 20850 1-800-AUDITME 20851% 20852Got a dictionary? I want to know the meaning of life. 20853% 20854Got a wife and kids in Baltimore Jack, 20855I went out for a ride and never came back. 20856Like a river that don't know where it's flowing, 20857I took a wrong turn and I just kept going. 20858 20859 Everybody's got a hungry heart. 20860 Everybody's got a hungry heart. 20861 Lay down your money and you play your part, 20862 Everybody's got a hungry heart. 20863 20864I met her in a Kingstown bar, 20865We fell in love, I knew it had to end. 20866We took what we had and we ripped it apart, 20867Now here I am down in Kingstown again. 20868 20869Everybody needs a place to rest, 20870Everybody wants to have a home. 20871Don't make no difference what nobody says, 20872Ain't nobody likes to be alone. 20873 -- Bruce Springsteen, "Hungry Heart" 20874% 20875Got Mole problems? 20876Call Avogadro at 6.02 x 10^23. 20877% 20878Goto, n.: 20879 A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers 20880 to complain about unstructured programmers. 20881 -- Ray Simard 20882% 20883Gourmet, n.: 20884 Anyone whom, when you fail to finish something strange or 20885 revolting, remarks that it's an acquired taste and that you're 20886 leaving the best part. 20887% 20888Govern a great nation as you would cook a small fish. Don't overdo it. 20889 -- Lao Tsu 20890% 20891Government [is] an illusion the governed should not encourage. 20892 -- John Updike, "Couples" 20893% 20894Government lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are 20895different lies. 20896% 20897Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know any 20898more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he doesn't 20899know much. 20900 -- The Best of Will Rogers 20901% 20902Government's Law: 20903 There is an exception to all laws. 20904% 20905Governor Tarkin. I should have expected to find you holding Vader's 20906leash. I thought I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on 20907board. 20908 -- Princess Leia Organa 20909% 20910Grabel's Law: 20911 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2. 20912% 20913Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture. 20914% 20915Graduate students and most professors are 20916no smarter than undergrads. They're just older. 20917% 20918Grand Master Turing once dreamed that he was a machine. When he awoke 20919he exclaimed: 20920 "I don't know whether I am Turing dreaming that I am a machine, 20921 or a machine dreaming that I am Turing!" 20922 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 20923% 20924Grandpa Charnock's Law: 20925 You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 20926 20927 [I thought it was when your kids learned to drive. Ed.] 20928% 20929Graphics blind the eyes. 20930Audio files deafen the ear. 20931Mouse clicks numb the fingers. 20932Heuristics weaken the mind. 20933Options wither the heart. 20934 20935The Guru observes the net 20936but trusts his inner vision. 20937He allows things to come and go. 20938His heart is as open as the ether. 20939% 20940GRASSHOPPOTAMUS: 20941 A creature that can leap to tremendous heights... once. 20942% 20943Gratitude, like love, is never a dependable international emotion. 20944 -- Joseph Alsop 20945% 20946GRAVITY: 20947 What you get when you eat too much and too fast. 20948% 20949Gravity brings me down. 20950% 20951Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks. 20952% 20953Gray's Law of Programming: 20954 'n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be 20955 accomplished in the same time as 'n' tasks. 20956 20957Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law: 20958 'n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as 'n' trivial tasks. 20959% 20960Great acts are made up of small deeds. 20961 -- Lao Tsu 20962% 20963Great American Axiom: 20964 Some is good, more is better, too much is just right. 20965% 20966Great minds run in great circles. 20967% 20968GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#17): 20969 20970On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his 20971place of residence. 20972% 20973GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): April 2, 1751 20974 20975Isaac Newton becomes discouraged when he falls up a flight of stairs. 20976% 20977GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): November 23, 1915 20978 20979Pancake make-up is invented; most people continue to prefer syrup. 20980% 20981Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds. 20982 -- Albert Einstein 20983 20984They laughed at Einstein. They laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they 20985also laughed at Bozo the Clown. 20986 -- Carl Sagan 20987% 20988Greatness is a transitory experience. It is never consistent. 20989% 20990Green light in A.M. for new projects. 20991Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets. 20992% 20993Greener's Law: 20994 Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel. 20995% 20996Green's Law of Debate: 20997Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about. 20998% 20999Greenspun's Tenth Rule of Programming: 21000 Any sufficiently complicated C or Fortran program contains 21001 an ad hoc informally-specified bug-ridden slow implementation 21002 of half of Common Lisp. 21003% 21004Grelb's Reminder: 21005 Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above 21006average drivers. 21007% 21008grep me no patterns and I'll tell you no lines. 21009% 21010Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full 21011value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with. 21012 -- Mark Twain 21013% 21014Griffin's Thought: 21015 When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last. 21016% 21017Grig (the navigator): 21018 ... so you see, it's just the two of us against the entire space 21019 armada. 21020Alex (the gunner): 21021 What?!? 21022Grig: I've always wanted to fight a desperate battle against 21023 overwhelming odds. 21024Alex: It'll be a slaughter! 21025Grig: That's the spirit! 21026 -- The Last Starfighter 21027% 21028Grinnell's Law of Labor Laxity: 21029 At all times, for any task, you have not got enough done today. 21030% 21031Groundhog Day has been observed only once in Los Angeles because when the 21032groundhog came out of its hole, it was killed by a mudslide. 21033 -- Johnny Carson 21034% 21035Growing old isn't bad when you consider the alternatives. 21036 -- Maurice Chevalier 21037% 21038Grownups are reluctant to take science fiction seriously, and with good 21039reason: sci-fi is a hormonal activity, not a literary one. Its traditional 21040concerns are all pubescent. Secondary sexual characteristics are everywhere, 21041disguised. Aliens have tentacles. Telepathy allows you to have sex without 21042any nasty inconvenience of touching. Womblike spaceships provide balanced 21043meals. No one ever has to grow old -- body parts are replaceable, like 21044Job's daughters, and if you're lucky you can become a robot. As for the 21045adult world, it's simply not there; political systems tend to be naively 21046authoritarian (there are more lords in science fiction than on public 21047television) and are often ruled by young boys on quests. The most popular 21048sci-fi book in years, Frank Herbert's Dune, sold millions of copies by 21049combining all these themes: it ends with its adolescent hero conquering the 21050universe while straddling a giant worm. 21051 -- Arnold Klein 21052% 21053Grub first, then ethics. 21054 -- Bertolt Brecht 21055% 21056GUILLOTINE: 21057 A French chopping center. 21058% 21059Gumperson's Law: 21060 The probability of a given event 21061 occurring is inversely proportional to its desirability. 21062% 21063Guns don't kill people. Bullets kill people. 21064% 21065Gunter's Airborne Discoveries: 21066 (1) When you are served a meal aboard an aircraft, 21067 the aircraft will encounter turbulence. 21068 (2) The strength of the turbulence 21069 is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee. 21070% 21071Gurmlish, n.: 21072 The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which prevents 21073 the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his mouth. 21074 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 21075% 21076GURU: 21077 A person in T-shirt and sandals who took an elevator ride with 21078 a senior vice-president and is ultimately responsible for the 21079 phone call you are about to receive from your boss. 21080% 21081Guru, n.: 21082 A computer owner who can read the manual. 21083% 21084Gyroscope, n.: 21085 A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also 21086free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each 21087other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two 21088mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the 21089other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus 21090offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any 21091torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin. 21092 -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary 21093% 21094H: If a 'GOBLIN (HOB) waylays you, 21095 Slice him up before he slays you. 21096 Nothing makes you look a slob 21097 Like running from a HOB'LIN (GOB). 21098 -- The Roguelet's ABC 21099% 21100H. L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H. L. 21101Mencken -- there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude. 21102 -- Maxwell Bodenheim 21103% 21104H. L. Mencken's Law: 21105 Those who can -- do. 21106 Those who can't -- teach. 21107 21108Martin's Extension: 21109 Those who cannot teach -- administrate. 21110 21111 [No, those who can't teach, teach here. Ed.] 21112% 21113Hacker, n.: 21114 Originally, any person with a knack for coercing stubborn inanimate 21115things; hence, a person with a happy knack, later contracted by the mythical 21116philosopher Frisbee Frobenius to the common usage, "hack". 21117 In olden times, upon completion of some particularly atrocious body 21118of coding that happened to work well, culpable programmers would gather in 21119a small circle around a first edition of Knuth's Best Volume I by candlelight, 21120and proceed to get very drunk while sporadically rending the following ditty: 21121 21122 Hacker's Fight Song 21123 21124 He's a Hack! He's a Hack! 21125 He's a guy with the happy knack! 21126 Never bungles, never shirks, 21127 Always gets his stuff to work! 21128 21129All take a drink (important!) 21130% 21131Hackers are just a migratory life form with a tropism for computers. 21132% 21133Hacker's Guide To Cooking: 211342 pkg. cream cheese (the mushy white stuff in silver wrappings that doesn't 21135 really come from Philadelphia after all; anyway, about 16 oz.) 211361 tsp. vanilla extract (which is more alcohol than vanilla and pretty 21137 strong so this part you *GOTTA* measure) 211381/4 cup sugar (but honey works fine too) 211398 oz. Cool Whip (the fluffy stuff devoid of nutritional value that you 21140 can squirt all over your friends and lick off...) 21141"Blend all together until creamy with no lumps." This is where you get to 21142 join(1) all the raw data in a big buffer and then filter it through 21143 merge(1m) with the -thick option, I mean, it starts out ultra lumpy 21144 and icky looking and you have to work hard to mix it. Try an electric 21145 beater if you have a cat(1) that can climb wall(1s) to lick it off 21146 the ceiling(3m). 21147"Pour into a graham cracker crust..." Aha, the BUGS section at last. You 21148 just happened to have a GCC sitting around under /etc/food, right? 21149 If not, don't panic(8), merely crumble a rand(3m) handful of innocent 21150 GCs into a suitable tempfile and mix in some melted butter. 21151"...and refrigerate for an hour." Leave the recipe's stdout in a fridge 21152 for 3.6E6 milliseconds while you work on cleaning up stderr, and 21153 by time out your cheesecake will be ready for stdin. 21154% 21155Hacker's Law: 21156 The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a 21157nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions. 21158% 21159Hackers of the world, unite! 21160% 21161Hacker's Quicky #313: 21162 Sour Cream -n- Onion Potato Chips 21163 Microwave Egg Roll 21164 Chocolate Milk 21165% 21166Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge. 21167% 21168Had he and I but met 21169By some old ancient inn, But ranged as infantry, 21170We should have sat us down to wet And staring face to face, 21171Right many a nipperkin! I shot at him as he at me, 21172 And killed him in his place. 21173I shot him dead because -- 21174Because he was my foe, He thought he'd 'list, perhaps, 21175Just so: my foe of course he was; Off-hand-like -- just as I -- 21176That's clear enough; although Was out of work -- had sold his traps 21177 No other reason why. 21178Yes; quaint and curious war is! 21179You shoot a fellow down 21180You'd treat, if met where any bar is 21181Or help to half-a-crown. 21182 -- Thomas Hardy 21183% 21184Had I been present at the creation, I would have given some 21185useful hints for the better ordering of the universe. 21186 -- Alfonso the Wise 21187 21188 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 21189 referring to operating system initialization.] 21190% 21191Had this been an actual emergency, we would have 21192fled in terror, and you would not have been informed. 21193% 21194Hail to the sun god 21195He's such a fun god 21196Ra! Ra! Ra! 21197% 21198Hailing frequencies open, Captain. 21199% 21200Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big 21201enough majority in any town? 21202 -- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn" 21203% 21204Hale Mail Rule, The: 21205 When you are ready to reply to a letter, you will lack at least 21206 one of the following: 21207 (a) A pen or pencil or typewriter. 21208 (b) Stationery. 21209 (c) Postage stamp. 21210 (d) The letter you are answering. 21211% 21212Half a bee, philosophically, must ipso facto half not be. 21213But half the bee has got to be, vis-a-vis its entity. See? 21214But can a bee be said to be or not to be an entire bee, 21215When half the bee is not a bee, due to some ancient injury? 21216% 21217Half Moon tonight. (At least it is better than no Moon at all.) 21218% 21219Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at. 21220% 21221Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't, 21222and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it. 21223% 21224Half-done, n.: 21225 This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still 21226crunchy, light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference 21227between this and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like 21228the difference between life and death. 21229 You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill 21230there in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the 21231airport, fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough 21232Hall, transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on 21233Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk 21234about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the 21235man, "Let me have a nice half-done." 21236 Worth the trouble, wasn't it? 21237 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 21238% 21239Halley's Comet: It came, we saw, we drank. 21240% 21241Hall's Laws of Politics: 21242 (1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending. 21243 (2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want something 21244 fixed. 21245 (3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend 21246 military spending, and conservatives social spending in 21247 their own districts). 21248% 21249Hand, n.: 21250 A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and 21251 commonly thrust into somebody's pocket. 21252 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 21253% 21254Handel's Proverb: 21255 You can't produce a baby in one month by impregnating 9 women! 21256% 21257Handshaking protocol, n.: 21258 A process employed by hostile hardware devices to initiate a 21259 terse but civil dialogue, which, in turn, is characterized by 21260 occasional misunderstanding, sulking, and name-calling. 21261% 21262Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way. 21263 -- Pink Floyd 21264% 21265Hangover, n.: 21266 The wrath of grapes. 21267% 21268Hanlon's Razor: 21269 Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by 21270stupidity. 21271% 21272Hanson's Treatment of Time: 21273 There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days 21274before Saturday. 21275% 21276Happiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others. 21277% 21278Happiness is a hard disk. 21279% 21280Happiness is a positive cash flow. 21281% 21282Happiness is good health and a bad memory. 21283 -- Ingrid Bergman 21284% 21285Happiness is having a scratch for every itch. 21286 -- Ogden Nash 21287% 21288Happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion. 21289% 21290Happiness is the greatest good. 21291% 21292Happiness is twin floppies. 21293% 21294Happiness isn't having what you want, it's wanting what you have. 21295% 21296Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember. 21297 -- Oscar Levant 21298% 21299Happiness makes up in height what it lacks in length. 21300% 21301Happiness, n.: 21302 An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of 21303 another. 21304 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 21305% 21306Happiness, n.: 21307 Finding the owner of a lost bikini. 21308% 21309Happy feast of the pig! 21310% 21311Happy is the child whose father died rich. 21312% 21313Hard, adj.: 21314 The quality of your own data; also how it is to believe those 21315 of other people. 21316% 21317Hard reality has a way of cramping your style. 21318 -- Daniel Dennett 21319% 21320Hard work may not kill you, but why take the chance? 21321% 21322Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? 21323 -- Charlie McCarthy 21324% 21325Hardware, n.: 21326 The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. 21327% 21328Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark 21329The Duke is fond of kittens 21330He likes to take their insides out 21331And use them for his mittens 21332 -- "The 13 Clocks" 21333% 21334Hark, the Herald Tribune sings, 21335Advertising wondrous things. 21336 -- Tom Lehrer 21337% 21338Hark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender. You stand 21339convicted of sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want. 21340 -- Tobias Smollet 21341% 21342Harp not on that string. 21343 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 21344% 21345Harriet's Dining Observation: 21346 In every restaurant, the hardness of the butter pats 21347 increases in direct proportion to the softness of the bread. 21348% 21349Harris had the beefstead pie between his knees, and was carving it, and George 21350and I were waiting with our plates ready. 21351 "Have you got a spoon there?" says Harris; "I want a spoon to help 21352the gravy with." 21353 The hamper was close behind us, and George and I both turned round to 21354reach one out. We were not five seconds getting it. When we looked round 21355again, Harris and the pie were gone! 21356 It was a wide, open field. There was not a tree or a bit of hedge for 21357hundreds of yards. He could not have tumbled into the river, because we were 21358on the water side of him, and he would have had to climb over us to do it. 21359 George and I gazed all about. Then we gazed at each other. 21360 "Has he been snatched up to heaven?" I queried. 21361 "They'd hardly have taken the pie, too," said George. 21362 There seemed weight in this objection, and we discarded the heavenly 21363theory. 21364 "I suppose the truth of the matter is," suggested George, descending 21365to the commonplace and practicable, "that there has been an earthquake." 21366 And then he added, with a touch of sadness in his voice: "I wish he 21367hadn't been carving that pie." 21368 -- Jerome K. Jerome, "Three Men In A Boat" 21369% 21370Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab: 21371 Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined. 21372% 21373Harrison's Postulate: 21374For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. 21375% 21376Harris's Lament: 21377 All the good ones are taken. 21378% 21379Harry and Fred were playing their Sunday afternoon golf game. The game, as 21380always, was close. They were at the treacherous 12th hole: a par three that 21381required a perfect first shot over a large pond and onto a tiny green. There 21382were sand traps on the other three sides of the green, and a small road 50 21383feet beyond it. Harry went first. He carefully addressed the ball and hit 21384a good shot that landed just on the edge of the green, narrowly avoiding the 21385pond. Just as Fred addressed his ball, he looked up and noticed a funeral 21386procession along the road just behind the green. Fred put down his club, 21387took his hat off, and waited for the entire procession to pass. As soon as 21388the cars were gone he put his hat back on and started addressing the ball 21389again. Harry said, "Damn, Fred. That was a really nice thing you did, 21390waiting for the funeral to pass like that." 21391 Fred finished his swing, making perfect contact with the ball. It 21392was an excellent shot that landed 7 feet from the hole. "It's the least I 21393could do," he said, smiling at his shot, "We were married for 22 years, 21394you know." 21395% 21396Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he 21397makes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean 21398famous for its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses 21399probably stirs romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you 21400have never met any wild horses in person. In person, they are like 21401enormous hooved rats. They amble up to your camp site, and their 21402attitude is: "We're wild horses. We're going to eat your food, knock 21403down your tent and poop on your shoes. We're protected by federal law, 21404just like Richard Nixon." 21405 -- Dave Barry, "Tenting Grandpa Bob" 21406% 21407Harry's bar has a new cocktail. It's called MRS punch. They make it with 21408milk, rum and sugar and it's wonderful. The milk is for vitality and the 21409sugar is for pep. They put in the rum so that people will know what to do 21410with all that pep and vitality. 21411% 21412Hartley's First Law: 21413 You can lead a horse to water, but if you can 21414 get him to float on his back, you've got something. 21415% 21416Hartley's Second Law: 21417 Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. 21418 21419My corollary: 21420 The completely psychotic have all the fun. 21421% 21422Harvard Law: 21423 Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, 21424 temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the 21425 organism will do as it damn well pleases. 21426% 21427HARVARD: 21428Quarterback: 21429 Sophomore Dave Strewzinski... likes to pass. And pass he does, with 21430a record 86 attempts (three completions) in 87 plays.... Though Strewzinski 21431has so far failed to score any points for the Crimson, his jackrabbit speed 21432has made him the least sacked quarterback in the Ivy league. 21433Wide Receiver: 21434 The other directional signal in Harvard's offensive machine is senior 21435Phil Yip, who is very fast. Yip is so fast that he has set a record for being 21436fast. Expect to see Yip elude all pursuers and make it into the endzone five 21437or six times, his average for a game. Yip, nicknamed "fumblefingers" and "you 21438asshole" by his teammates, hopes to carry the ball with him at least one of 21439those times. 21440YALE: 21441Defense: 21442 On the defensive side, Yale boasts the stingiest line in the Ivies. 21443Primarily responsible are seniors Izzy "Shylock" Bloomberg and Myron 21444Finklestein, the tightest ends in recent Eli history. Also contributing to 21445the powerful defense is junior tackle Angus MacWhirter, a Scotsman who rounds 21446out the offensive ethnic joke. Look for these three to shut down the opening 21447coin toss. 21448 -- Harvard Lampoon 1988 Program Parody, distributed at The Game 21449% 21450Has anyone ever tasted an "end"? Are they really bitter? 21451% 21452Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are 21453typed with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter 21454keyboard was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use 21455of both hands. It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is 21456not only unnatural, but a lot harder than it appears. 21457% 21458Has the great art and mystery of politics no apparent utility? Does it 21459appear to be unqualifiedly ratty, raffish, sordid, obscene and low down, 21460and its salient virtuosi a gang of unmitigated scoundrels? Then let us 21461not forget its high capacity to soothe and tickle the midriff, its 21462incomparable services as a maker of entertainment. 21463 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe" 21464% 21465Haste makes waste. 21466 -- John Heywood 21467% 21468Hatcheck girl: 21469 "Goodness! What lovely diamonds!" 21470Mae West: 21471 "Goodness had nothin' to do with it, dearie." 21472 -- "Night After Night", 1932 21473% 21474Hate is like acid. It can damage the vessel in which it is 21475stored as well as destroy the object on which it is poured. 21476% 21477Hate the sin and love the sinner. 21478 -- Mahatma Gandhi 21479% 21480Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie, 21481unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax. 21482 -- Mike Royko 21483% 21484Hatred, n.: 21485 A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's 21486 superiority. 21487 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 21488% 21489Have a coke and a smile! 21490 -- John DeLorean 21491% 21492Have a nice day! 21493% 21494Have a nice diurnal anomaly. 21495% 21496Have a place for everything and keep the thing 21497somewhere else; this is not advice, it is merely custom. 21498 -- Mark Twain 21499% 21500Have a taco. 21501 -- P. S. Beagle 21502% 21503Have an adequate day. 21504% 21505Have at you! 21506% 21507Have no friends not equal to yourself. 21508 -- Confucius 21509% 21510Have people realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is 21511to defuse project tensions? When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a 21512non-cynical, or even an informative cookie? 21513 21514Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions. This 21515still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or 21516only serves to blunt the warning signs. 21517 21518 Long live the revolution! 21519 Have a nice day. 21520% 21521Have the courage to take your own thoughts 21522seriously, for they will shape you. 21523 -- Albert Einstein 21524% 21525Have you ever felt like a wounded cow 21526halfway between an oven and a pasture? 21527walking in a trance toward a pregnant 21528 seventeen-year-old housewife's 21529 two-day-old cookbook? 21530 -- Richard Brautigan 21531% 21532Have you ever met a man of good character where women are concerned? 21533 21534Well, I haven't. I find that whenever a woman becomes friends with me, 21535she becomes jealous, exacting, suspicious, and a damn nuisance; and 21536whenever I become friends with a woman, I become selfish and tyrannical. 21537So here I am, Pickering, a confirmed old bachelor and very likely to 21538remain so. 21539 -- Henry Higgins, "My Fair Lady" 21540% 21541Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell 21542you, "There's a time for work and a time for play," never find the time 21543for play? 21544% 21545Have you ever wondered what makes Californians so calm? Besides drugs, 21546I mean. The answer is hot tubs. A hot tub is a redwood container 21547filled with water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite 21548sex, none of whom is necessarily your spouse. After a few hours in 21549their hot tubs, Californians don't give a damn about earthquakes or 21550mass murderers. They don't give a damn about anything, which is why 21551they are able to produce "Laverne and Shirley" week after week. 21552 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 21553% 21554Have you flogged your kid today? 21555% 21556Have you locked your file cabinet? 21557% 21558Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a 21559crack in your sidewalk? 21560% 21561Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline 21562sharply the minute they start waving guns around? 21563 -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who" 21564% 21565Have you reconsidered a computer career? 21566% 21567Have you seen the latest Japanese camera? Apparently it is so fast it can 21568photograph an American with his mouth shut! 21569% 21570Have you seen the old man in the closed down market, 21571Kicking up the papers in his worn out shoes? 21572In his eyes you see no pride, hands hang loosely at his side 21573Yesterdays papers, telling yesterdays news. 21574 21575How can you tell me you're lonely, 21576And say for you the sun don't shine? 21577Let me take you by the hand 21578Lead you through the streets of London 21579I'll show you something to make you change your mind... 21580 21581Have you seen the old man outside the sea-mans mission 21582Memories fading like the metal ribbons that he wears. 21583In our winter city the rain cries a little pity 21584For one more forgotten hero and a world that doesn't care... 21585% 21586Have you seen the well-to-do, up and down Park Avenue? 21587On that famous thoroughfare, with their noses in the air, 21588High hats and Arrow collars, white spats and lots of dollars, 21589Spending every dime, for a wonderful time... 21590If you're blue and you don't know where to go to, 21591Why don't you go where fashion sits, 21592... 21593Dressed up like a million dollar trooper, 21594Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper, (super dooper) 21595Come, let's mix where Rockefeller's walk with sticks, 21596Or umbrellas, in their mitts, 21597Puttin' on the Ritz. 21598... 21599If you're blue and you don't know where to go to, 21600Why don't you go where fashion sits, 21601Puttin' on the Ritz. 21602Puttin' on the Ritz. 21603Puttin' on the Ritz. 21604Puttin' on the Ritz. 21605% 21606Having a baby isn't so bad. If you're a female Emperor penguin 21607in the Antarctic. She lays the egg, rolls it over to the father, 21608then takes off for warmer weather where she eats and eats and 21609eats. For two months, the father stands stiff, without food, 21610blind in the 24-hour dark, balancing the egg on his feet. After 21611the little penguin is hatched, the mother sees fit to come home. 21612 -- L. M. Boyd, "Austin American-Statesman" 21613% 21614Having a wonderful wine, wish you were beer. 21615% 21616Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain. 21617 -- Martin Mull 21618% 21619Having no talent is no longer enough. 21620 -- Gore Vidal 21621% 21622Having nothing, nothing can he lose. 21623 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 21624% 21625Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods. 21626 -- Socrates 21627% 21628Having wandered helplessly into a blinding snowstorm Sam was greatly 21629relieved to see a sturdy Saint Bernard dog bounding toward him with 21630the traditional keg of brandy strapped to his collar. 21631 "At last," cried Sam, "man's best friend -- and a great big 21632dog, too!" 21633% 21634Hawkeye's Conclusion: 21635 It's not easy to play the clown 21636 when you've got to run the whole circus. 21637% 21638He: Do you like Kipling? 21639She: Oh, you naughty boy, I don't know! I've never kippled! 21640% 21641He: "If I made love to you, would you yell?" 21642She: "What do you want me to yell?" 21643 -- Benny Hill 21644% 21645HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science. 21646SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains. 21647 -- Walt Kelley 21648% 21649He asked me if I knew what time it was -- I said yes, but not right now. 21650 -- Steven Wright 21651% 21652He did decide, though, that with more time and a great deal of mental 21653effort, he could probably turn the activity into an acceptable 21654perversion. 21655 -- Mick Farren, "When Gravity Fails" 21656% 21657He didn't run for reelection. "Politics brings you into contact with all 21658the people you'd give anything to avoid," he said. "I'm staying home." 21659 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days" 21660% 21661He does it with a better grace, but I do it more natural. 21662 -- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night" 21663% 21664He draweth out the thread of his verbosity 21665finer than the staple of his argument. 21666 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost" 21667% 21668He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions. 21669 -- Stephen Leacock 21670% 21671He gave her a look that you could have poured on a waffle. 21672% 21673He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation 21674perfectly delightful. 21675 -- Sydney Smith 21676% 21677He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild and 21678heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned all hope 21679of ever behaving "normally." 21680 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72" 21681% 21682He hadn't a single redeeming vice. 21683 -- Oscar Wilde 21684% 21685He has been known by many names; the Prince of Lies, the Director, Lucifer, 21686Belial, and once, at a party, some obnoxious drunk kept calling him "Dude". 21687 -- Stig's Inferno 21688% 21689He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him. 21690 -- Bion 21691% 21692He hath eaten me out of house and home. 21693 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" 21694% 21695He heard the snick of a rifle bolt and found himself peering down the muzzle 21696of a weapon held by a drunken liquor store owner -- "There's a conflict," he 21697said, "there's a conflict between land and people... the people have to go..." 21698 -- Stan Ridgeway, "Call of the West" 21699% 21700He is a man capable of turning any colour into grey. 21701 -- John LeCarre 21702% 21703He is considered a most graceful speaker 21704who can say nothing in the most words. 21705% 21706He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides. 21707% 21708He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others. 21709 -- Samuel Johnson 21710% 21711He is now rising from affluence to poverty. 21712 -- Mark Twain 21713% 21714He is the best of men who dislikes power. 21715 -- Mohammed 21716% 21717He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap. 21718% 21719He jests at scars who never felt a wound. 21720 -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet, II. 2" 21721% 21722He keeps differentiating, flying off on a tangent. 21723% 21724He knew the tavernes well in every toun. 21725 -- Geoffrey Chaucer 21726% 21727He knows not how to know who knows not also how to unknow. 21728 -- Sir Richard Burton 21729% 21730He laughs at every joke three times... once when it's told, 21731once when it's explained, and once when he understands it. 21732% 21733He looked at me as if I were a side dish he hadn't ordered. 21734 -- Ring Lardner 21735% 21736He missed an invaluable opportunity to hold his tongue. 21737 -- Andrew Lang 21738% 21739He only knew his iron spine held up the sky -- he didn't realize his brain 21740had fallen to the ground. 21741 -- The Book of Serenity 21742% 21743(He opens a tolm and begins.) 21744 21745 It says: "In the beginning was the Word." 21746 Already I am stopped. It seems absurd. 21747 The Word does not deserve the highest prize, 21748 I must translate it otherwise. 21749 If I am well inspired and not blind. 21750 It says: "In the beginning was the Mind." 21751 Ponder that first line, wait and see, 21752 Lest you should write too hastily. 21753 Is the Mind the all-creating source? 21754 It ought to say: "In the beginning there was Force." 21755 Yet something warns me as I grasp the pen, 21756 That my translation must be changed again. 21757 The spirit helps me. Now it is exact. 21758 I write: "In the beginning was the Act." 21759 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, "Faust" 21760% 21761[He] played the King as if afraid someone else might play the ace. 21762 -- Unattributed review of a performance of King Lear 21763 21764My tears stuck in their little ducts, refusing to be jerked. 21765 -- Peter Stack, movie review 21766 21767His performance is so wooden you want to spray him with Liquid Pledge. 21768 -- John Stark, movie review 21769% 21770He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace. 21771 -- John Mason Brown, drama critic 21772% 21773He tells you when you've got on too much lipstick, 21774And helps you with your girdle when your hips stick. 21775 -- Ogden Nash, on the perfect husband 21776% 21777He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom. 21778 -- J. R. R. Tolkien 21779% 21780He that bringeth a present, findeth the door open. 21781 -- Scottish proverb 21782% 21783He that composes himself is wiser than he that composes a book. 21784 -- Benjamin Franklin 21785% 21786He that is giddy thinks the world turns round. 21787 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew" 21788% 21789He that teaches himself has a fool for a master. 21790 -- Benjamin Franklin 21791% 21792He that would govern others, first should be the master of himself. 21793% 21794He thinks the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived. 21795 -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda" 21796% 21797He thought he saw an albatross 21798That fluttered 'round the lamp. 21799He looked again and saw it was 21800A penny postage stamp. 21801"You'd best be getting home," he said, 21802"The nights are rather damp." 21803% 21804He thought of Musashi, the Sword Saint, standing in his garden more than 21805three hundred years ago. "What is the 'Body of a rock'?" he was asked. 21806In answer, Musashi summoned a pupil of his and bid him kill himself by 21807slashing his abdomen with a knife. Just as the pupil was about to comply, 21808the Master stayed his hand, saying, "That is the 'Body of a rock'." 21809 -- Eric Van Lustbader 21810% 21811[He] took me into his library and showed me his books, of which he had 21812a complete set. 21813 -- Ring Lardner 21814% 21815He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose. 21816% 21817He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he 21818made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she 21819disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to 21820dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he 21821told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven -- with a gun." 21822 -- Jack Handey 21823% 21824He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue. 21825 -- Jonathan Swift 21826% 21827He was a modest, good-humored boy. It was Oxford that made him 21828insufferable. 21829% 21830He was part of my dream, of course -- 21831but then I was part of his dream too. 21832 -- Lewis Carroll, 21833 "Through the Looking-Glass, 21834 and What Alice Found There" (1871) 21835% 21836He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes. 21837% 21838He was the sort of person whose personality 21839would be greatly improved by a terminal illness. 21840% 21841He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut. 21842% 21843He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry 21844attacks democracy itself. 21845 -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS 21846% 21847He who dares the wrong, acts right, that's how it happens! 21848 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 21849% 21850He who despairs over an event is a coward, but he who holds hopes for 21851the human condition is a fool. 21852 -- Albert Camus 21853% 21854He who despises himself nevertheless esteems himself as a self-despiser. 21855 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 21856% 21857He who enters his wife's dressing room is a philosopher or a fool. 21858 -- Honore de Balzac 21859% 21860He who fears the unknown may one day flee from his own backside. 21861 -- Sinbad 21862% 21863He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day. 21864% 21865He who foresees calamities suffers them twice over. 21866% 21867He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last. 21868% 21869He who has but four and spends five has no need for a wallet. 21870% 21871He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet. 21872% 21873He who has the courage to laugh is almost as much 21874a master of the world as he who is ready to die. 21875 -- Giacomo Leopardi 21876% 21877He who hates vices hates mankind. 21878% 21879He who hesitates is a damned fool. 21880 -- Mae West 21881% 21882He who hesitates is last. 21883% 21884He who hesitates is sometimes saved. 21885% 21886He who hoots with owls by night cannot soar with eagles by day. 21887% 21888He who invents adages for others to peruse 21889takes along rowboat when going on cruise. 21890% 21891He who is content with his lot probably has a lot. 21892% 21893He who is flogged by fate and laughs the louder is a masochist. 21894% 21895He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else. 21896% 21897He who is in love with himself has at least this advantage -- he won't 21898encounter many rivals. 21899 -- Georg Lichtenberg, "Aphorisms" 21900% 21901He who is intoxicated with wine will be sober again in the course of the 21902night, but he who is intoxicated by the cupbearer will not recover his 21903senses until the day of judgment. 21904 -- Saadi 21905% 21906He who is known as an early riser need not get up until noon. 21907% 21908He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know. 21909 -- Lao Tsu 21910% 21911He who knows not and knows that he knows not is ignorant. Teach him. 21912He who knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool. Shun him. 21913He who knows and knows not that he knows is asleep. Wake him. 21914% 21915He who knows nothing, knows nothing. 21916But he who knows he knows nothing knows something. 21917And he who knows someone whose friend's wife's brother knows nothing, 21918 he knows something. Or something like that. 21919% 21920He who knows others is wise. 21921He who knows himself is enlightened. 21922 -- Lao Tsu 21923% 21924He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough. 21925 -- Lao Tsu 21926% 21927He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news. 21928 -- Bertolt Brecht 21929% 21930He who laughs last -- missed the punch line. 21931% 21932He who laughs last hasn't been told the terrible truth. 21933% 21934He who laughs last is probably your boss. 21935% 21936He who laughs last usually had to have joke explained. 21937% 21938He who laughs, lasts. 21939% 21940He who lives without folly is less wise than he believes. 21941% 21942He who loses, wins the race, 21943And parallel lines meet in space. 21944 -- John Boyd, "Last Starship from Earth" 21945% 21946He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man. 21947 -- Dr. Johnson 21948% 21949He who minds his own business is never unemployed. 21950% 21951He who renders warfare fatal to all engaged in it will 21952be the greatest benefactor the world has yet known. 21953 -- Sir Richard Burton 21954% 21955He who slings mud generally loses ground. 21956 -- Adlai E. Stevenson 21957% 21958He who slings mud loses ground. 21959 -- Chinese proverb 21960% 21961He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT. 21962% 21963He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance. 21964% 21965He who walks on burning coals is sure to get burned. 21966 -- Sinbad 21967% 21968He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder. 21969 -- M. C. Escher 21970% 21971He who writes with no misspelled words has prevented a first suspicion 21972on the limits of his scholarship or, in the social world, of his general 21973education and culture. 21974 -- Julia Norton McCorkle 21975% 21976HEAD CRASH!! FILES LOST!! 21977Details at 11. 21978% 21979Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 21980% 21981Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying 21982of nothing. 21983 -- Redd Foxx 21984% 21985Hear about... 21986 the absent minded sculptor who put his model to bed and 21987 started chiseling on his wife? 21988% 21989Hear about... 21990 the Californian terrorist that tried to blow up a bus? 21991 Burned his lips on the exhaust pipe. 21992% 21993Hear about... 21994 the fellow who, upon being told by his shrewish wife that she 21995 would dance on his grave, promptly provided for a burial at sea? 21996% 21997Hear about... 21998 the female activist who went berserk during a demonstration and 21999 attacked a karate-trained cop with a deadly weapon. She ended 22000 up a chopped libber? 22001% 22002Hear about... 22003 the guru who refused Novocaine while having a tooth pulled because 22004 he wanted to transcend dental medication? 22005% 22006Hear about... 22007 the pessimistic historian whose latest book has chapter headings 22008 that read "World War One","World War Two" and "Watch This 22009 Space"? 22010% 22011Hear about... 22012 the wild office Christmas party in a completely automated 22013 company -- the photocopier got drunk and tried to undo the 22014 typewriter's ribbon? 22015% 22016Hear about... 22017 the young Chinese woman who just won the lottery? 22018 One fortunate cookie... 22019% 22020Hear me, my chiefs, I am tired; my heart is sick and sad. 22021From where the sun now stands I Will Fight No More Forever. 22022 -- Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce 22023% 22024Heard that the next Space Shuttle is supposed to carry several 22025Guernsey cows? It's gonna be the herd shot 'round the world. 22026% 22027Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable. 22028 -- Frank Morgan as The Wizard, "The Wizard of Oz" 22029% 22030Heaven and earth were created all together in the same instant, 22031on October 23rd, 4004 B.C. at nine o'clock in the morning. 22032 -- Dr. John Lightfoot, 22033 Vice-chancellor of Cambridge University 22034% 22035Heaven, n.: 22036 A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of 22037their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you 22038expound your own. 22039 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 22040% 22041Heavier than air flying machines are impossible. 22042 -- Lord Kelvin, President, Royal Society, c. 1895 22043% 22044Heavy, adj.: 22045 Seduced by the chocolate side of the force. 22046% 22047Hedonist for hire... no job too easy! 22048% 22049Heisenberg may have been here. 22050% 22051Heisenberg may have slept here. 22052% 22053Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned. 22054 -- Milton Friedman 22055% 22056Hell hath no limits, nor is circumscribed in one self place, 22057for where we are is Hell, and where Hell is there must we ever be. 22058 -- Christopher Marlowe, "Doctor Faustus" 22059% 22060Hell, if you don't try to remake someone, 22061how are they supposed to know you care? 22062% 22063Hell is empty and all the devils are here. 22064 -- William Shakespeare, "The Tempest" 22065% 22066Hell, n.: 22067 Truth seen too late. 22068% 22069Heller's Law: 22070 The first myth of management is that it exists. 22071 22072Johnson's Corollary: 22073 Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the 22074organization. 22075% 22076Hello. Jim Rockford's machine, this is Larry Doheny's machine. Will you 22077please have your master call my master at his convenience? Thank you. 22078Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. 22079% 22080Hello, friend! You say things aren't going too well? You say you have a 22081date with your favorite girl when it starts raining so hard you can't see? 22082And you're out on some back road when the car stalls and won't start, so 22083you set off across the fields, and 50 feet of barbed wire hits you right 22084smack in the puss? And then there's a big explosion behind you and you 22085don't hear your girl screaming any more? 22086 22087 Well, take a walk in the sun and hold your head up high! 22088 You'll show the world; you'll tell them where to get off! 22089 You'll never give up, never give up, never give up -- that ship! 22090% 22091"Hello," he lied. 22092 -- Don Carpenter, quoting a Hollywood agent 22093% 22094Hell's broken loose. 22095 -- Robert Greene 22096% 22097Help! I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory! 22098% 22099Help! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70! 22100% 22101HELP! Man trapped in a human body! 22102% 22103HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN! 22104 -- E. E. CUMMINGS 22105% 22106Help a swallow land at Capistrano. 22107% 22108Help fight continental drift. 22109% 22110HELP!!!! I'm being held prisoner in /usr/share/games/fortune! 22111% 22112Help me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file! 22113% 22114Help stamp out and abolish redundancy! 22115% 22116Help stamp out Mickey-Mouse computer interfaces -- Menus are for Restaurants! 22117% 22118Her days were spent in a kind of slow bustle; always busy without 22119getting on, always behind hand and lamenting it, without altering 22120her ways; wishing to be an economist, without contrivance or 22121regularity; dissatisfied with her servants, without skill to make 22122them better, and whether helping, or reprimanding, or indulging 22123them, without any power of engaging their respect. 22124 -- J. Austen 22125% 22126Her locks an ancient lady gave 22127Her loving husband's life to save; 22128And men -- they honored so the dame -- 22129Upon some stars bestowed her name. 22130 22131But to our modern married fair, 22132Who'd give their lords to save their hair, 22133No stellar recognition's given. 22134There are not stars enough in heaven. 22135% 22136Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; 22137from Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth... 22138% 22139Here comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason. 22140% 22141Here I am again right where I know I shouldn't be 22142I've been caught inside this trap too many times 22143I must've walked these steps and said these words a 22144 thousand times before 22145It seems like I know everybody's lines. 22146 -- David Bromberg, "How Late'll You Play 'Til?" 22147% 22148Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still don't know what I want to be when 22149I grow up. 22150 -- Peter Drucker 22151% 22152Here I sit, broken-hearted, 22153All logged in, but work unstarted. 22154First net.this and net.that, 22155And a hot buttered bun for net.fat. 22156 22157The boss comes by, and I play the game, 22158Then I turn back to net.flame. 22159Is there a cure (I need your views), 22160For someone trapped in net.news? 22161 22162I need your help, I say 'tween sobs, 22163'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs. 22164% 22165Here in my heart, I am Helen; 22166 I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least. 22167I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Stael; 22168 I'm Salome, moon of the East. 22169 22170Here in my soul I am Sappho; 22171 Lady Hamilton am I, as well. 22172In me Recamier vies with Kitty O'Shea, 22173 With Dido, and Eve, and poor Nell. 22174 22175I'm all of the glamorous ladies 22176 At whose beckoning history shook. 22177But you are a man, and see only my pan, 22178 So I stay at home with a book. 22179 -- Dorothy Parker 22180% 22181Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical 22182lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach 22183your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. 22184Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in 22185pain? This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, 22186but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an 22187important electrical lesson. 22188 22189It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed 22190your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small 22191objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will 22192attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and 22193collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your 22194friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the 22195carpet, thus completing the circuit. 22196 22197Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without 22198touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your 22199finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you 22200have carpeting. 22201 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 22202% 22203Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: 22204if you're alive, it isn't. 22205% 22206Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the month. According 22207to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people are experiencing severe 22208marketing anxiety in China. 22209 22210The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either (depending on the 22211inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax tadpole". 22212 22213Bite the wax tadpole. There is a sort of rough justice, is there not? 22214 22215The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's hard to get 22216a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to bite a wax 22217tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, but broad 22218satiric vistas do not open up. 22219 -- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle 22220% 22221HERE LIES LESTER MOORE 22222SHOT 4 TIMES WITH A .44 22223NO LES 22224NO MOORE 22225 -- tombstone, in Tombstone, AZ 22226% 22227Here lies my wife: her let her lie! 22228Now she's at rest, and so am I. 22229 -- John Dryden, epitaph intended for his wife 22230% 22231Here there by tygers. 22232% 22233HERE'S A GOOD JOKE to do during an earthquake. Straddle a big crack in 22234the earth and if it opens wider, go, "Whoa! Whoa!" and flap your arms 22235around as if you're going to fall. 22236 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 22237% 22238Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline 22239like `Psychic Wins Lottery'? 22240 -- Jay Leno 22241% 22242Herth's Law: 22243 He who turns the other cheek too far gets it in the neck. 22244% 22245He's been like a father to me, 22246He's the only DJ you can get after three, 22247I'm an all-night musician in a rock and roll band, 22248And why he don't like me I don't understand. 22249 -- The Byrds 22250% 22251He's dead, Jim. 22252% 22253He's got the heart of a little child, 22254and he keeps it in a jar on his desk. 22255% 22256He's just a politician trying to save both his faces... 22257% 22258He's just like Capistrano, always ready for a few swallows. 22259% 22260He's like a function -- he returns a value, in the form of 22261his opinion. It's up to you to cast it into a void or not. 22262 -- Phil Lapsley 22263% 22264He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd be 22265there ... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter. 22266% 22267He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is. 22268% 22269Heuristics are bug ridden by definition. If they didn't have bugs, 22270then they'd be algorithms. 22271% 22272Hewett's Observation: 22273 The rudeness of a bureaucrat is inversely proportional to his or 22274 her position in the governmental hierarchy and to the number of 22275 peers similarly engaged. 22276% 22277Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??! 22278 -- W. C. Fields 22279% 22280Hey, diddle, diddle the overflow pdl 22281To get a little more stack; 22282If that's not enough then you lose it all 22283And have to pop all the way back. 22284% 22285Hey, Jim, it's me, Susie Lillis from the laundromat. You said you were 22286gonna call and it's been two weeks. What's wrong, you lose my number? 22287% 22288HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS: 22289 Be sure it's true, when you say "I love you". It's a sin to 22290 tell a lie. Millions of hearts have been broken, just because 22291 these words were spoken. 22292% 22293Hey, what do you expect from a culture that 22294*drives* on *parkways* and *parks* on *driveways*? 22295 -- Gallagher 22296% 22297Hi! I'm Larry. This is my brother Bob, and this is my other brother 22298Jimbo. We thought you might like to know the names of your assailants. 22299% 22300Hi! You have reached 962-0129. None of us are here to answer the phone and 22301the cat doesn't have opposing thumbs, so his messages are illegible. Please 22302leave your name and message after the beep... 22303% 22304Hi! How are things going? 22305 (just fine, thank you...) 22306Great! Say, could I bother you for a question? 22307 (you just asked one...) 22308Well, how about one more? 22309 (one more than the first one?) 22310Yes. 22311 (you already asked that...) 22312[at this point, Alphonso gets smart... ] 22313May I ask two questions, sir? 22314 (no.) 22315May I ask ONE then? 22316 (nope...) 22317Then may I ask, sir, how I may ask you a question? 22318 (yes, you may.) 22319Sir, how may I ask you a question? 22320 (you must ask for retroactive question asking privileges for 22321 the number of questions you have asked, then ask for that 22322 number plus two, one for the current question, and one for the 22323 next one) 22324Sir, may I ask nine questions? 22325 (go right ahead...) 22326% 22327Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. 22328As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of 22329equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. 22330Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever walk around? If so, you 22331probably have the makings of an excellent legal case. Although of 22332course every case is different, I would definitely say that based on my 22333experience and training, there's no reason why you shouldn't come out 22334of this thing with at least a cabin cruiser. 22335 22336Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our 22337motto is: "It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain." 22338 -- Dave Barry, "Pain and Suffering" 22339% 22340Hi Jimbo. Dennis. Really appreciate the help on the income tax. 22341You wanna help on the audit now? 22342% 22343Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person 22344reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes, 22345nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home. 22346% 22347Hickery Dickery Dock, 22348The mice ran up the clock, 22349The clock struck one, 22350The others escaped with minor injuries. 22351% 22352Hideously disfigured by an ancient Indian curse? 22353 22354 WE CAN HELP! 22355 22356Call (511) 338-0959 for an immediate appointment. 22357% 22358Hier liegt ein Mann ganz ohnegleich; 22359Im Leibe dick, an Suenden reich. 22360Wir haben ihn ins Grab gesteckt, Here lies a man with sundry flaws 22361Weil es uns duenkt er sei verreckt. And numerous Sins upon his head; 22362 We buried him today because 22363 As far as we can tell, he's dead. 22364 -- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty 22365 Sue Bach and written by the local doggerel catcher; 22366 "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter 22367 Schickele 22368% 22369Higgledy Piggledy, 22370Hamlet of Elsinore 22371Ruffled the critics by dropping this bomb: 22372"Phooey on Freud and his Psychoanalysis -- 22373Oedipus, Shmoedipus, I just loved Mom." 22374% 22375Higgins: Doolittle, you're either an honest man or a rogue. 22376Doolittle: A little of both, Guv'nor. Like the rest of us, a 22377 little of both. 22378 -- Shaw, "Pygmalion" 22379% 22380High heels are a device invented by a woman 22381who was tired of being kissed on the forehead. 22382% 22383High Priest: Armaments Chapter One, verses nine through twenty-seven: 22384Bro. Maynard: And Saint Attila raised the Holy Hand Grenade up on high 22385 saying, "Oh Lord, Bless us this Holy Hand Grenade, and with it 22386 smash our enemies to tiny bits." And the Lord did grin, and the 22387 people did feast upon the lambs, and stoats, and orangutans, and 22388 breakfast cereals, and lima bean- 22389High Priest: Skip a bit, brother. 22390Bro. Maynard: And then the Lord spake, saying: "First, shalt thou take 22391 out the holy pin. Then shalt thou count to three. No more, no less. 22392 *Three* shall be the number of the counting, and the number of the 22393 counting shall be three. *Four* shalt thou not count, and neither 22394 count thou two, excepting that thou then goest on to three. Five is 22395 RIGHT OUT. Once the number three, being the third number be reached, 22396 then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade towards thy foe, who, being 22397 naughty in my sight, shall snuff it. Amen. 22398All: Amen. 22399 -- Monty Python, "The Holy Hand Grenade" 22400% 22401HIGH TECHNOLOGY: 22402 A California innovation composed 22403 of equal parts of silicon and marijuana. 22404% 22405Higher education helps your earning capacity. Ask any college professor. 22406% 22407Hildebrant's Principle: 22408 If you don't know where you are going, 22409 any road will get you there. 22410% 22411Him: "Your skin is so soft. Are you a model?" 22412Her: "No," [blush] "I'm a cosmetologist." 22413Him: "Really? That's incredible... 22414 It must be very tough to handle weightlessness." 22415 -- "The Jerk" 22416% 22417Hindsight is always 20:20. 22418 -- Billy Wilder 22419% 22420Hippogriff, n.: 22421 An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. 22422The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle. 22423The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter eagle, which 22424is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is full 22425of surprises. 22426 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 22427% 22428Hire the morally handicapped. 22429% 22430His designs were strictly honourable, as the phrase is: that is, to rob 22431a lady of her fortune by way of marriage. 22432 -- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones" 22433% 22434...his disciples lead him in; he just does the rest. 22435 -- Tommy 22436% 22437His eyes were cold. As cold as the bitter winter snow that was falling 22438outside. Yes, cold and therefore difficult to chew... 22439% 22440His followers called him Mahasamatman and said he was a god. He preferred 22441to drop the Maha- and the -atman, however, and called himself Sam. He never 22442claimed to be a god. But then, he never claimed not to be a god. Circum- 22443stances being what they were, neither admission could be of any benefit. 22444Silence, though, could. It was in the days of the rains that their prayers 22445went up, not from the fingering of knotted prayer cords or the spinning of 22446prayer wheels, but from the great pray-machine in the monastery of Ratri, 22447goddess of the Night. The high-frequency prayers were directed upward through 22448the atmosphere and out beyond it, passing into that golden cloud called the 22449Bridge of the Gods, which circles the entire world, is seen as a bronze 22450rainbow at night and is the place where the red sun becomes orange at midday. 22451Some of the monks doubted the orthodoxy of this prayer technique... 22452 -- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light" 22453% 22454His great aim was to escape from civilization, and, as soon as he had 22455money, he went to Southern California. 22456% 22457His heart was yours from the first moment that you met. 22458% 22459His ideas of first-aid stopped short of squirting soda water. 22460 -- P. G. Wodehouse 22461% 22462His life was formal; his actions seemed ruled with a ruler. 22463% 22464His mind is like a steel trap: full of mice. 22465 -- Foghorn Leghorn 22466% 22467His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier. 22468% 22469Historians have now definitely established that Juan Cabrillo, discoverer 22470of California, was not looking for Kansas, thus setting a precedent that 22471continues to this day. 22472 -- Wayne Shannon 22473% 22474History books which contain no lies are extremely dull. 22475% 22476History has much to say on following the proper procedures. From a history 22477of the Mexican revolution: 22478 22479 "Hildago was later defeated at Guadalajara. The rebel army was 22480captured on its way through the mountains. All were courtmartialed and 22481shot, except Hildago, because he was a priest. He was handed over to 22482the bishop of Durango who excommunicated him and returned him to the 22483army where he was then executed." 22484% 22485History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion -- 22486i.e. none to speak of. 22487 -- Lazarus Long 22488% 22489History is curious stuff 22490 You'd think by now we had enough 22491Yet the fact remains I fear 22492 They make more of it every year. 22493% 22494History is nothing but a collection of fables and useless trifles, 22495cluttered up with a mass of unnecessary figures and proper names. 22496 -- Leo Tolstoy 22497% 22498History is on our side (as long as we can control the historians). 22499% 22500History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree on. 22501 -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims" 22502% 22503History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history. 22504% 22505History repeats itself -- the first time as a tragi-comedy, the second 22506time as bedroom farce. 22507% 22508History repeats itself only if one does not listen the first time. 22509% 22510History shows that the human mind, fed by constant accessions of knowledge, 22511periodically grows too large for its theoretical coverings, and bursts them 22512asunder to appear in new habiliments, as the feeding and growing grub, at 22513intervals, casts its too narrow skin and assumes another... Truly the imago 22514state of Man seems to be terribly distant, but every moult is a step gained. 22515 -- Charles Darwin, from "Origin of the Species" 22516% 22517Hit them biscuits with another touch of gravy, 22518Burn that sausage just a match or two more done. 22519Pour my black old coffee longer, 22520While that smell is gettin' stronger 22521A semi-meal ain't nuthin' much to want. 22522 22523Loan me ten, I got a feelin' it'll save me, 22524With an ornery soul who don't shoot pool for fun, 22525If that coat'll fit you're wearin', 22526The Lord'll bless your sharin' 22527A semi-friend ain't nuthin' much to want. 22528 22529And let me halfway fall in love, 22530For part of a lonely night, 22531With a semi-pretty woman in my arms. 22532Yes, I could halfway fall in deep-- 22533Into a snugglin', lovin' heap, 22534With a semi-pretty woman in my arms. 22535 -- Elroy Blunt 22536% 22537Hitchcock's Staple Principle: 22538 The stapler runs out of staples 22539 only while you are trying to staple something. 22540% 22541Hlade's Law: 22542 If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they 22543will find an easier way to do it. 22544% 22545Hoaars-Faisse Gallery presents: 22546An exhibit of works by the artist known only as Pretzel. 22547 22548The exhibit includes several large conceptual works using non-traditional 22549media and found objects including old sofa-beds, used mace canisters, 22550discarded sanitary napkins and parts of freeways. The artist explores 22551our dehumanization due to high technology and unresponsive governmental 22552structures in a post-industrial world. She/he (the artist prefers to 22553remain without gender) strives to create dialogue between viewer and 22554creator, to aid us in our quest to experience contemporary life with its 22555inner-city tensions, homelessness, global warming and gender and 22556class-based stress. The works are arranged to lead us to the essence of 22557the argument: that the alienation of the person/machine boundary has 22558sapped the strength of our voices and must be destroyed for society to 22559exist in a more fundamental sense. 22560% 22561Hoare's Law of Large Problems: 22562 Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out. 22563% 22564Hodie natus est radici frater. 22565% 22566Hoffer's Discovery: 22567 The grand act of a dying institution is to issue a newly 22568 revised, enlarged edition of the policies and procedures manual. 22569% 22570Hofstadter's Law: 22571 It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take 22572 Hofstadter's Law into account. 22573% 22574HOGAN'S HEROES DRINKING GAME -- 22575 Take a shot every time: 22576 22577-- Sergeant Schultz says, "I knoooooowww nooooothing!" 22578-- General Burkhalter or Major Hochstetter intimidate/insult Colonel Klink. 22579-- Colonel Klink falls for Colonel Hogan's flattery. 22580-- One of the prisoners sneaks out of camp (one shot for each prisoner to go). 22581-- Colonel Klink snaps to attention after answering the phone (two shots 22582 if it's one of our heroes on the other end). 22583-- One of the Germans is threatened with being sent to the Russian front. 22584-- Corporal Newkirk calls up a German in his phoney German accent, and 22585 tricks him (two shots if it's Colonel Klink). 22586-- Hogan has a romantic interlude with a beautiful girl from the underground. 22587-- Colonel Klink relates how he's never had an escape from Stalag 13. 22588-- Sergeant Schultz gives up a secret (two shots if he's bribed with food). 22589-- The prisoners listen to the Germans' conversation by a hidden transmitter. 22590-- Sergeant Schultz "captures" one of the prisoners after an escape. 22591-- Lebeau pronounces "colonel" as "cuh-loh-`nell". 22592-- Carter builds some kind of device (two shots if it's not explosive). 22593-- Lebeau wears his apron. 22594-- Hogan says "We've got no choice" when the someone claims that the 22595 plan is impossible. 22596-- The prisoners capture an important German, and sneak him out the tunnel. 22597% 22598Hollerith, v.: 22599 What thou doest when thy phone is on the fritzeth. 22600% 22601Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it. 22602 -- Rex Reed 22603% 22604Holy Dilemma! Is this the end for the Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder? 22605Will the Joker and the Riddler have the last laugh? 22606 22607 Tune in again tomorrow: 22608 same Bat-time, same Bat-channel! 22609% 22610HOLY MACRO! 22611% 22612Home is the place where, when you have to go there, 22613they have to take you in. 22614 -- Robert Frost, "The Death of the Hired Man" 22615% 22616Home is where the hurt is. 22617% 22618Home life as we understand it is no more natural to us than a 22619cage is to a cockatoo. 22620 -- George Bernard Shaw 22621% 22622Home of Doberman Propulsion Laboratories: 22623The ultimate in watchdog weaponry. 22624 -- Chris Shaw 22625% 22626Home on the Range was originally written in beef-flat. 22627% 22628"Home, Sweet Home" must surely have been written by a bachelor. 22629 -- Samuel Butler 22630% 22631Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty. 22632 -- Plato 22633% 22634Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense. 22635% 22636Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people. 22637 -- F. M. Hubbard 22638% 22639Honesty's the best policy. 22640 -- Miguel de Cervantes 22641% 22642Honeymoon, n.: 22643 A short period of doting between dating and debting. 22644 -- Ray C. Bandy 22645% 22646Honi soit la vache qui rit. 22647% 22648Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..." 22649% 22650Honk if you love peace and quiet. 22651% 22652Honorable, adj.: 22653 Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative 22654bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the 22655honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur." 22656 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 22657% 22658Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper. 22659 -- Francis Bacon 22660% 22661Hope is a waking dream. 22662 -- Aristotle 22663% 22664Hope not, lest ye be disappointed. 22665 -- M. Horner 22666% 22667Hope that the day after you die is a nice day. 22668% 22669Hoping to goodness is not theologically sound. 22670 -- Peanuts 22671% 22672Horace's best ode would not please a young woman as much 22673as the mediocre verses of the young man she is in love with. 22674 -- Moore 22675% 22676Horner's Five Thumb Postulate: 22677 Experience varies directly with equipment ruined. 22678% 22679Horngren's Observation: 22680 Among economists, the real world is often a special case. 22681% 22682Hors d'oeuvres -- a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces. 22683 -- Jack Benny 22684% 22685Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. 22686 -- W. C. Fields 22687% 22688HOST SYSTEM NOT RESPONDING, PROBABLY DOWN. DO YOU WANT TO WAIT? (Y/N) 22689% 22690HOST SYSTEM RESPONDING, PROBABLY UP... 22691% 22692Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they 22693had towels from my house. 22694 -- Mark Guido 22695% 22696Houdini escaping from New Jersey! 22697% 22698Household hint: 22699 If you are out of cream for your coffee, 22700 mayonnaise makes a dandy substitute. 22701% 22702Housework can kill you if done right. 22703 -- Erma Bombeck 22704% 22705Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed. 22706 -- Neil Armstrong 22707% 22708How apt the poor are to be proud. 22709 -- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night" 22710% 22711How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all? 22712% 22713How can you do "New Math" problems with an "Old Math" mind? 22714 -- Schulz 22715% 22716How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese? 22717 -- Charles de Gaulle 22718% 22719How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat? 22720 -- Pink Floyd 22721% 22722How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our 22723thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another 22724in the waking state? 22725 -- Plato 22726% 22727How can you think and hit at the same time? 22728 -- Yogi Berra 22729% 22730How can you work when the system's so crowded? 22731% 22732How come everyone's going so slow if it's called rush hour? 22733% 22734How come financial advisors never seem to be as wealthy as they 22735claim they'll make you? 22736% 22737How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers? 22738% 22739How come we never talk anymore? 22740% 22741How come wrong numbers are never busy? 22742% 22743How comes it to pass, then, that we appear such cowards 22744in reasoning, and are so afraid to stand the test of ridicule? 22745 -- A. Cooper 22746% 22747How could they think women a recreation? 22748Or the repetition of bodies of steady interest? 22749Only the ignorant or the busy could. That elm 22750of flesh must prove a luxury of primes; 22751be perilous and dear with rain of an alternate earth. 22752Which is not to damn the forested China of touching. 22753I am neither priestly nor tired, and the great knowledge 22754of breasts with their loud nipples congregates in me. 22755The sudden nakedness, the small ribs, the mouth. 22756Splendid. Splendid. Splendid. Like Rome. Like loins. 22757A glamour sufficient to our long marvelous dying. 22758I say sufficient and speak with earned privilege, 22759for my life has been eaten in that foliate city. 22760To ambergris. But not for recreation. 22761I would not have lost so much for recreation. 22762 22763Nor for love as the sweet pretend: the children's game 22764of deliberate ignorance of each to allow the dreaming. 22765Not for the impersonal belly nor the heart's drunkenness 22766have I come this far, stubborn, disastrous way. 22767But for relish of those archipelagoes of person. 22768To hold her in hand, closed as any sparrow, 22769and call and call forever till she turn from bird 22770to blowing woods. From woods to jungle. Persimmon. 22771To light. From light to princess. From princess to woman 22772in all her fresh particularity of difference. 22773Then oh, through the underwater time of night 22774indecent and still, to speak to her without habit. 22775This I have done with my life, and am content. 22776I wish I could tell you how it is in that dark, 22777standing in the huge singing and the alien world. 22778 -- Jack Gilbert, "Don Giovanni on his way to Hell" 22779% 22780How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows. 22781% 22782How do you explain school to a higher intelligence? 22783 -- Elliot, "E.T." 22784% 22785How doth the little crocodile 22786 Improve his shining tail, 22787And pour the waters of the Nile 22788 On every golden scale! 22789 22790How cheerfully he seems to grin, 22791 How neatly spreads his claws, 22792And welcomes little fishes in, 22793 With gently smiling jaws! 22794 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865) 22795% 22796How doth the VAX's C-compiler 22797 Improve its object code. 22798And even as we speak does it 22799 Increase the system load. 22800 22801How patiently it seems to run 22802 And spit out error flags, 22803While users, with frustration, all 22804 Tear all their clothes to rags. 22805% 22806How is the world ruled, and how do wars start? Diplomats tell lies to 22807journalists, and they believe what they read. 22808 -- Karl Kraus, "Aphorisms and More Aphorisms" 22809% 22810How kind of you to be willing to live someone's life for them. 22811% 22812How many "coming men" has one known! Where on earth do they all go to? 22813 -- Sir Arthur Wing Pinero 22814% 22815"How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being 22816carried by a waiter at a nice party?" 22817 22818Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors 22819d'oeuvre. If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell 22820what's inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then 22821say: "This is cheese! I hate cheese!" Then you put the rest of it 22822back on the tray and bite another one and go, "Darn it! Another 22823cheese!" and so on. 22824 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" 22825% 22826How many priests are needed for a Boston Mass? 22827% 22828How many weeks are there in a light year? 22829% 22830How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to 22831Dayton? 22832 -- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey 22833% 22834How much does she love you? 22835Less than you'll ever know. 22836% 22837How much for your women? I want to buy your 22838daughter... how much for the little girl? 22839 -- Jake Blues, "The Blues Brothers" 22840% 22841How much net work could a network work, if a network could net work? 22842% 22843How much of their influence on you is a result of your influence on them? 22844% 22845How often I found where I should be going 22846only by setting out for somewhere else. 22847 -- R. Buckminster Fuller 22848% 22849How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent. 22850% 22851How sharper than a serpent's tooth is a sister's "See?" 22852 -- Linus Van Pelt 22853% 22854How to become a sysop: 22855 I grew a beard, started wearing only t-shirts and jeans, and 22856 developed a surly attitude. The group accepted me, and I've 22857 never worked a full day in my life since then. 22858 -- rho/slashdot 22859% 22860How to Raise Your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children 22861 -- Book title by Lewis B. Frumkes 22862% 22863How untasteful can you get? 22864% 22865How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers. 22866% 22867HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: 22868 #1040 Your income tax refund cheque bounces. 22869% 22870HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: 22871 #15 Your pet rock snaps at you. 22872% 22873HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: 22874 #32: You call your answering service and they've never heard of 22875 you. 22876% 22877How you look depends on where you go. 22878% 22879Howe's Law: 22880 Everyone has a scheme that will not work. 22881% 22882However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my traditional 22883manner ... sulking and nausea. 22884 -- Tom K. Ryan 22885% 22886However, on religious issues there can be little or no compromise. There 22887is no position on which people are so immovable as their religious beliefs. 22888There is no more powerful ally one can claim in a debate than Jesus Christ, 22889or God, or Allah, or whatever one calls this supreme being. But like any 22890powerful weapon, the use of God's name on one's behalf should be used 22891sparingly. The religious factions that are growing throughout our land are 22892not using their religious clout with wisdom. They are trying to force 22893government leaders into following their position 100 percent. If you disagree 22894with these religious groups on a particular moral issue, they complain, they 22895threaten you with a loss of money or votes or both. I'm frankly sick and 22896tired of the political preachers across this country telling me as a citizen 22897that if I want to be a moral person, I must believe in "A," "B," "C," and 22898"D." Just who do they think they are? And from where do they presume to 22899claim the right to dictate their moral beliefs to me? And I am even more 22900angry as a legislator who must endure the threats of every religious group 22901who thinks it has some God-granted right to control my vote on every roll 22902call in the Senate. I am warning them today: I will fight them every step 22903of the way if they try to dictate their moral convictions to all Americans 22904in the name of "conservatism." 22905 -- Senator Barry Goldwater, Congressional Record 22906% 22907HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., motion 22908that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate amendment making 22909changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. The Senate amendment 22910was an amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the House 22911amendment to the Senate amendment to the bill. The original Senate amendment 22912was the conference agreement on the bill. Agreed to. 22913 -- Albuquerque Journal 22914% 22915Hubbard's Law: 22916 Don't take life too seriously; 22917 you won't get out of it alive. 22918% 22919Hug me now, you mad, impetuous fool!! 22920Oh wait... 22921I'm a computer, and you're a person. It would never work out. 22922Never mind. 22923% 22924Huh? 22925% 22926Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill. 22927% 22928Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in 1929. 22929Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an operating 22930table to prevent her interference, he placed a urethral catheter into 22931a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of his heart], and 22932walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took the confirmatory 22933x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the Nobel Prize. 22934% 22935Human kind cannot bear very much reality. 22936 -- T. S. Eliot, "Four Quartets: Burnt Norton" 22937% 22938Human resources are human first, and resources second. 22939 -- J. Garbers 22940% 22941Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober, 22942responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and 22943immature. 22944 -- Tom Robbins 22945% 22946Humans are communications junkies. We just can't get enough. 22947 -- Alan Kay 22948% 22949Humility is the first of the virtues -- for other people. 22950 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes 22951% 22952Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs. 22953% 22954Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse. 22955 -- William Gilbert 22956% 22957Humorists always sit at the children's table. 22958 -- Woody Allen 22959% 22960"Humpf!" Humpfed a voice! "For almost two days you've run wild and insisted on 22961chatting with persons who've never existed. Such carryings-on in our peaceable 22962jungle! We've had quite enough of you bellowing bungle! And I'm here to 22963state," snapped the big kangaroo, "That your silly nonsensical game is all 22964through!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "Me, too!" 22965 "With the help of the Wickersham Brothers and dozens of Wickersham 22966Uncles and Wickersham Cousins and Wickersham In-Laws, whose help I've engaged, 22967You're going to be roped! And you're going to be caged! And, as for your 22968dust speck... Hah! That we shall boil in a hot steaming kettle of Beezle-But 22969oil!" 22970 -- Dr. Seuss, "Horton Hears a Who" 22971% 22972Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall, 22973Humpty Dumpty had a great fall! 22974All the king's horses, 22975And all the king's men, 22976Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again! 22977% 22978Humpty Dumpty was pushed. 22979% 22980Hurewitz's Memory Principle: 22981 The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional 22982 to... to... uh..... 22983% 22984Hydrogen: A colorless, odorless, lighter than air gas which, given 22985time, turns into people. 22986 -- Harlow Shapley 22987% 22988I: 22989 The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin 22990 with a silk sow. The same is true of money. 22991II: 22992 If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it would 22993 probably be twice as good as yesterday was. 22994III: 22995 There are no lazy veteran lion hunters. 22996IV: 22997 If you can afford to advertise, you don't need to. 22998V: 22999 One-tenth of the participants produce over one-third of the output. 23000 Increasing the number of participants merely reduces the average 23001 output. 23002 -- Norman Augustine 23003% 23004I accept chaos. I am not sure whether it accepts me. I know some people 23005are terrified of the bomb. But then some people are terrified to be seen 23006carrying a modern screen magazine. Experience teaches us that silence 23007terrifies people the most. 23008 -- Bob Dylan 23009% 23010I acted to show my love for Jodie Foster. 23011 -- John Hinckley 23012% 23013I ain't got no quarrel with them Viet Congs. 23014 -- Muhammad Ali 23015% 23016I allow the world to live as it chooses, 23017and I allow myself to live as I choose. 23018% 23019I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a professor 23020or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any other minority 23021viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority. 23022 -- Richard M. Nixon 23023 23024What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism? 23025 -- Richard M. Nixon 23026% 23027I always choose my friends for their good looks and my enemies for their 23028good intellects. Man cannot be too careful in his choice of enemies. 23029 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray" 23030% 23031I always had a repulsive need to be something more than human. 23032 -- David Bowie 23033% 23034I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. 23035It is never any good to oneself. 23036 -- Oscar Wilde, "An Ideal Husband" 23037% 23038I always say beauty is only sin deep. 23039 -- H. H. Munro, a.k.a. Saki, "Reginald's Choir Treat" 23040% 23041I always turn to the sports pages first, which record people's 23042accomplishments. The front page has nothing but man's failures. 23043 -- Chief Justice Earl Warren 23044% 23045I always wake up at the crack of ice. 23046 -- Joe E. Lewis 23047% 23048I always will remember -- I was in no mood to trifle; 23049'Twas a year ago November -- I got down my trusty rifle 23050I went out to shoot some deer And went out to stalk my prey -- 23051On a morning bright and clear. What a haul I made that day! 23052I went and shot the maximum I tied them to my bumper and 23053The game laws would allow: I drove them home somehow, 23054Two game wardens, seven hunters, Two game wardens, seven hunters, 23055And a cow. And a cow. 23056 23057The Law was very firm, it People ask me how I do it 23058Took away my permit-- And I say, "There's nothin' to it! 23059The worst punishment I ever endured. You just stand there lookin' cute, 23060It turns out there was a reason: And when something moves, you shoot." 23061Cows were out of season, and And there's ten stuffed heads 23062One of the hunters wasn't insured. In my trophy room right now: 23063 Two game wardens, seven hunters, 23064 And a pure-bred gurnsey cow. 23065 -- Tom Lehrer, "The Hunting Song" 23066% 23067I am a bookaholic. If you are a decent 23068person, you will not sell me another book. 23069% 23070I am a computer. 23071I am dumber than any human and smarter than any administrator. 23072% 23073I am a conscientious man, when I throw 23074rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned. 23075 -- Ogden Nash, "Everybody's Mind to Me a Kingdom Is" 23076% 23077I am a deeply superficial person. 23078 -- Andy Warhol 23079% 23080I am a friend of the working man, and I would rather be his friend 23081than be one. 23082 -- Clarence Darrow 23083% 23084I am a man: nothing human is alien to me. 23085 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) 23086% 23087I am a PC technician - however, this has unfortunately caused my 23088computer to be running Win98. 23089 -- seen on a FreeBSD mailing-list 23090% 23091I am America's child, a spastic slogging on demented 23092limbs drooling I'll trade my PhD for a telephone voice. 23093 -- Burt Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance" 23094% 23095I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else. 23096 -- Winston Churchill 23097% 23098I am convinced that the manufacturers of carpet odor removing powder 23099have included encapsulated time released cat urine in their products. 23100This technology must be what prevented its distribution during my mom's 23101reign. My carpet smells like piss, and I don't have a cat. Better go 23102buy some more. 23103 -- timw@zeb.USWest.COM 23104% 23105I am convinced that the truest act of courage is to sacrifice ourselves 23106for others in a totally nonviolent struggle for justice. To be a man 23107is to suffer for others. 23108 -- Cesar Chavez 23109% 23110I am fairly unrepentant about her poetry. I really think that three 23111quarters of it is gibberish. However, I must crush down these thoughts 23112otherwise the dove of peace will shit on me. 23113 -- Noel Coward on Edith Sitwell 23114% 23115I am firm. You are obstinate. He is a pig-headed fool. 23116 -- Katharine Whitehorn 23117% 23118I am getting into abstract painting. Real abstract -- no brush, no canvas, 23119I just think about it. I just went to an art museum where all of the art 23120was done by children. All the paintings were hung on refrigerators. 23121 -- Steven Wright 23122% 23123I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, 23124of pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell 23125you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial 23126atomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something 23127inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering. 23128 -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado", Gilbert & Sullivan 23129% 23130I am just a nice, clean-cut Mongolian boy. 23131 -- Yul Brynner, 1956 23132% 23133I am looking for a honest man. 23134 -- Diogenes the Cynic 23135% 23136I am more bored than you could ever possibly be. Go back to work. 23137% 23138I am NOMAD! 23139% 23140I am not a crook. 23141 -- Richard M. Nixon 23142% 23143I am not a politician and my other habits are also good. 23144 -- A. Ward 23145% 23146I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today. 23147 -- William Allen White 23148% 23149I am not an Economist. I am an honest man! 23150 -- Paul McCracken 23151% 23152I am not now and never have been a girlfriend of Henry Kissinger. 23153 -- Gloria Steinem 23154% 23155I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the demigodic party. 23156 -- Dennis M. Ritchie 23157% 23158I am not sure what this is, but an "F" would only dignify it. 23159 -- English Professor 23160% 23161I am of the belief that catnip arrived on the planet in the same spaceship 23162that delivered cats. It is the only thing they have from their home 23163planet. Tuna, chicken, sparrow-brains, etc., these are all things of our 23164world that they like, but catnip is crack from home. 23165 -- Bill Cole 23166% 23167I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do 23168something. And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what 23169I can do. 23170 -- Edward Everett Hale, (1822 - 1909) 23171% 23172I am professionally trained in computer science, which is to say 23173(in all seriousness) that I am extremely poorly educated. 23174 -- Joseph Weizenbaum, "Computer Power and Human Reason" 23175% 23176I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the 23177great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. 23178 -- Winston Churchill 23179% 23180I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone 23181has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. 23182 -- Professor Lowd, English, Ohio University 23183% 23184I am so optimistic about beef prices that I've just leased a pot roast 23185with an option to buy. 23186% 23187I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater. 23188% 23189I am the wandering glitch -- catch me if you can. 23190% 23191I am two fools, I know, for loving, and for saying so. 23192 -- John Donne 23193% 23194I am two with nature. 23195 -- Woody Allen 23196% 23197I am very fond of the company of ladies. I like their beauty, 23198I like their delicacy, I like their vivacity, and I like their silence. 23199 -- Samuel Johnson 23200% 23201I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of the 23202sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for you are 23203loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway. 23204 -- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy, 23205 University of Tennessee at Knoxville 23206% 23207I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an 23208argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and 23209steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, 23210they don't even invite me. 23211 -- Dave Barry 23212% 23213I asked a teacher what the opposite of a miracle was and she, without 23214thinking, I assume, said it was an act of God. 23215 -- Terry Prachett (Daily Mail 21 june 2008) 23216% 23217I asked the engineer who designed the communication terminal's keyboards 23218why these were not manufactured in a central facility, in view of the 23219small number needed [1 per month] in his factory. He explained that this 23220would be contrary to the political concept of local self-sufficiency. 23221Therefore, each factory needing keyboards, no matter how few, manufactures 23222them completely, even molding the keypads. 23223 -- Isaac Auerbach, IEEE "Computer", Nov. 1979 23224% 23225I attribute my success to intelligence, guts, determination, honesty, 23226ambition, and having enough money to buy people with those qualities. 23227% 23228I B M 23229U B M 23230We all B M 23231For I B M!!!! 23232 -- H.A.R.L.I.E. 23233% 23234I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. 23235 -- Gilda Radner 23236% 23237I began many years ago, as so many young men do, in searching for the 23238perfect woman. I believed that if I looked long enough, and hard enough, 23239I would find her and then I would be secure for life. Well, the years 23240and romances came and went, and I eventually ended up settling for someone 23241a lot less than my idea of perfection. But one day, after many years 23242together, I lay there on our bed recovering from a slight illness. My 23243wife was sitting on a chair next to the bed, humming softly and watching 23244the late afternoon sun filtering through the trees. The only sounds to 23245be heard elsewhere were the clock ticking, the kettle downstairs starting 23246to boil, and an occasional schoolchild passing beneath our window. And 23247as I looked up into my wife's now wrinkled face, but still warm and 23248twinkling eyes, I realized something about perfection... It comes only 23249with time. 23250 -- James L. Collymore, "Perfect Woman" 23251% 23252I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life, 23253particularly if he has income and she is pattable. 23254 -- Ogden Nash 23255% 23256I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute 23257-- where no Catholic prelate would tell the president (should he be Catholic) 23258how to act, and no Protestant minister would tell his parishioners for whom 23259to vote -- where no church or church school is granted any public funds or 23260political preference -- and where no man is denied public office merely 23261because his religion differs from the president who might appoint him or 23262the people who might elect him. 23263 -- John F. Kennedy 23264% 23265I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean. 23266 -- G. K. Chesterton 23267% 23268I believe in sex and death -- two experiences that come once in a lifetime. 23269 -- Woody Allen 23270% 23271I believe that professional wrestling is clean 23272and everything else in the world is fixed. 23273 -- Frank Deford, sports writer 23274% 23275I believe that the moment is near when by a procedure of active paranoiac 23276thought, it will be possible to systematize confusion and contribute to the 23277total discrediting of the world of reality. 23278 -- Salvador Dali 23279% 23280I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat. 23281 -- Will Rogers 23282% 23283I bet the human brain is a kludge. 23284 -- Marvin Minsky 23285% 23286I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on 23287the same day. Then that night, they burned the wheel. 23288 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 23289% 23290I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would always 23291end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy brows." Then they would get 23292embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and 23293they'd get mad and eat the snowman. 23294 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 23295% 23296I bet you have fun chasing the soap around the bathtub. 23297 -- Princess Diana, to a one-armed war veteran during 23298 a visit to a London veterans hospital 23299% 23300I brake for chezlogs! 23301% 23302I braved the contempt of my friends last week and ventured out to see 23303Bambi, the Disney rerelease that is proving to be a hit once again in the 23304box office. I was looking forward to a gentle, soothing, late afternoon 23305relief from the Washington Summer. Instead I was traumatized. As a 23306psycho-sexual return to the horrors of early adolescence, it couldn't be 23307more effective. For the first half-hour, you're lulled into an agreeable 23308sense of security and comfort. Birds twitter; small rabbits turn out to 23309be great conversationalists. Pop is what Senator Moynihan would describe 23310as an absent father, but Mom's there to make you feel OK in the odd 23311thunderstorm. You make great friends, fool around on the ice, discover 23312the meadow, generally mellow out. Then, without any particular warning, 23313your mom gets shot, your voice breaks, huge growths start appearing on 23314your head, and your peers start heading off into the clover with the 23315apparent intention of having sex. Next thing you know, the forest burns 23316down. If I were still eight, I think I'd prefer Rambo III. 23317 -- Townsend Davis 23318% 23319I call them as I see them. If I can't see them, I make them up. 23320 -- Biff Barf 23321% 23322I called my parents the other night, but I forgot about the time difference. 23323They're still living in the fifties. 23324 -- Strange de Jim 23325% 23326I came, I saw, I deleted all your files. 23327% 23328I came out of twelve years of college and I didn't even know how to sew. 23329All I could do was account -- I couldn't even account for myself. 23330 -- The Firesign Theatre 23331% 23332I came to MIT to get an education for myself and a diploma for my mother. 23333% 23334I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan 23335prostitute dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very 23336bored with washing and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after 23337relentless day. 23338 -- Betty MacDonald 23339% 23340I can give you my word, but I know what it's worth and you don't. 23341 -- Nero Wolfe, "Over My Dead Body" 23342% 23343I can hire one half of the working class to kill the other half. 23344 -- Jay Gould 23345% 23346I can mend the break of day, heal a broken heart, 23347and provide temporary relief to nymphomaniacs. 23348 -- Larry Lee 23349% 23350I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself. 23351% 23352I can relate to that. 23353% 23354I can remember when a good politician had to be 75 percent ability and 2335525 percent actor, but I can well see the day when the reverse could be 23356true. 23357 -- Harry S. Truman 23358% 23359I can resist anything but temptation. 23360% 23361I can see him a'comin' 23362With his big boots on, 23363With his big thumb out, 23364He wants to get me. 23365He wants to hurt me. 23366He wants to bring me down. 23367But some time later, 23368When I feel a little straighter, 23369I'll come across a stranger 23370Who'll remind me of the danger, 23371And then.... I'll run him over. 23372Pretty smart on my part! 23373To find my way... In the dark! 23374 -- Phil Ochs 23375% 23376I can write better than anybody who can write faster, 23377and I can write faster than anybody who can write better. 23378 -- A. J. Liebling 23379% 23380I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions. 23381 -- Lillian Hellman 23382% 23383I cannot believe that God plays dice with the cosmos. 23384 -- Albert Einstein, on the randomness of quantum mechanics 23385% 23386I cannot conceive that anybody will require multiplications at the rate 23387of 40,000 or even 4,000 per hour ... 23388 -- F. H. Wales (1936) 23389% 23390I cannot draw a cart, nor eat dried oats; 23391If it be man's work I will do it. 23392% 23393I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar. 23394 23395What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good 23396grammar. For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause 23397of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the 23398United States would have lost World War II." 23399 -- Dave Barry, "An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar" 23400% 23401I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest. 23402 -- Steven Pearl 23403% 23404I can't come back, I don't know how it works. 23405 -- Frank Morgan as The Wizard, "The Wizard of Oz" 23406% 23407I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. 23408 -- Joe Walsh 23409% 23410I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling. 23411 -- Florence Henderson 23412% 23413I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver. 23414 -- Phil Harris 23415% 23416I Can't Get Over You, So I Get Up and Go Around to the Other Side 23417If You Won't Leave Me Alone, I'll Find Someone Who Will 23418I Knew That You'd Committed a Sin When You Came Home Late With 23419 Your Socks Outside-in 23420I'm a Rabbit in the Headlights of Your Love 23421Don't Kick My Tires If You Ain't Gonna Take Me For a Ride 23422I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well 23423I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better 23424I've Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies and I'm Blue All the Time 23425 -- proposed Country-Western song titles from "Wordplay" 23426% 23427I can't mate in captivity. 23428 -- Gloria Steinem, on why she has never married 23429% 23430I can't seem to bring myself to say, "Well, I guess I'll be toddling along." 23431It isn't that I can't toddle. It's that I can't guess I'll toddle. 23432 -- Robert Benchley 23433% 23434I can't stand squealers; hit that guy. 23435 -- Albert Anastasia 23436% 23437I can't stand this proliferation of paperwork. It's useless to fight the 23438forms. You've got to kill the people producing them. 23439 -- Vladimir Kabaidze, general director of the Ivanovo Machine 23440 Building Works (near Moscow) in a speech to the Communist 23441 Party Conference 23442% 23443I can't understand it. I can't even understand the people who can 23444understand it. 23445 -- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands 23446% 23447I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a 23448novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. 23449 -- Fred Allen 23450% 23451I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas. 23452I'm frightened of the old ones. 23453 -- John Cage 23454% 23455"I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights 23456instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is 23457standing still ..." 23458 -- Steven Wright 23459% 23460I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his 23461keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating 23462up a child. 23463 -- Steven Wright 23464% 23465I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time 23466a woman got pregnant, someone left town. 23467 -- Michael Prichard 23468% 23469I consider a new device or technology to have been 23470culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder. 23471 -- M. Gallaher 23472% 23473I consider the day misspent that I am not 23474either charged with a crime, or arrested for one. 23475 -- "Ratsy" Tourbillon 23476% 23477I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather 23478dance with the cows till you come home. 23479 -- Groucho Marx 23480% 23481I could never learn to like her -- 23482except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight. 23483 -- Mark Twain 23484% 23485I couldn't possibly fail to disagree with you less. 23486% 23487I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps 23488the time I found out that M&Ms really *do* melt in your hand... 23489 -- Peter Oakley 23490% 23491I despise the pleasure of pleasing people whom I despise. 23492% 23493I didn't believe in reincarnation in any of my other lives. I don't see why 23494I should have to believe in it in this one. 23495 -- Strange de Jim 23496% 23497I didn't do it! Nobody saw me do it! Can't prove anything! 23498 -- Bart Simpson 23499% 23500I didn't get sophisticated -- I just got tired. 23501But maybe that's what sophisticated is -- being tired. 23502 -- Rita Gain 23503% 23504I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British. 23505% 23506I didn't know it was impossible when I did it. 23507% 23508I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions. The 23509curtain was up. 23510% 23511I disagree with what you say, but will defend 23512to the death your right to tell such LIES! 23513% 23514I distrust a close-mouthed man. He generally picks the wrong time to talk 23515and says the wrong things. Talking's something you can't do judiciously, 23516unless you keep in practice. Now, sir, we'll talk if you like. I'll tell 23517you right out, I'm a man who likes talking to a man who likes to talk. 23518 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon" 23519% 23520I distrust a man who says when. If he's got to be careful not to drink 23521too much, it's because he's not to be trusted when he does. 23522 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon" 23523% 23524I do desire we may be better strangers. 23525 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It" 23526% 23527I do enjoy a good long walk -- especially when my wife takes one. 23528% 23529I do hate sums. There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an 23530exact science. There are permutations and aberrations discernible to 23531minds entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary 23532accountants fail to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a 23533mind like mine to perceive. For instance, if you add a sum from the 23534bottom up, and then again from the top down, the result is always 23535different. 23536 -- Mrs. La Touche (19th cent.) 23537% 23538I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman 23539Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant Church, 23540nor by any Church that I know of. My own mind is my own Church. 23541 -- Thomas Paine 23542% 23543I do not care if half the league strikes. Those who do will encounter 23544quick retribution. All will be suspended, and I don't care if it wrecks 23545the National League for five years. This is the United States of America 23546and one citizen has as much right to play as another. 23547 -- Ford Frick, National League President, reacting to a 23548 threatened strike by some Cardinal players in 1947 if 23549 Jackie Robinson took the field against St. Louis. The 23550 Cardinals backed down and played. 23551% 23552I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. 23553 -- Isaac Asimov 23554% 23555I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us 23556with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use. 23557 -- Galileo Galilei 23558% 23559I do not know myself and God forbid that I should. 23560 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 23561% 23562I do not know where to find in any literature, whether ancient or modern, 23563any adequate account of that nature with which I am acquainted. Mythology 23564comes nearest to it of any. 23565 -- Henry David Thoreau 23566% 23567I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a 23568butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man. 23569 -- Chuang Tzu 23570% 23571I do not remember ever having seen a sustained argument by an author which, 23572starting from philosophical premises likely to meet with general acceptance, 23573reached the conclusion that a praiseworthy ordering of one's life is to 23574devote it to research in mathematics. 23575 -- Sir Edmund Whittaker, "Scientific American", Vol. 183 23576% 23577I do not seek the ignorant; the ignorant seek me -- I will instruct them. 23578I ask nothing but sincerity. If they come out of habit, they become 23579tiresome. 23580 -- I Ching 23581% 23582I do not take drugs -- I am drugs. 23583 -- Salvador Dali 23584% 23585I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians 23586don't believe in astrology. 23587 -- James R. F. Quirk 23588% 23589I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all just 23590a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell more 23591numbers!! 23592% 23593I don't care for the Sugar Smacks commercial. I don't like the idea of 23594a frog jumping on my Breakfast. 23595 -- Lowell, Chicago Reader 10/15/82 23596% 23597I don't care how poor and inefficient a little country is; they like to 23598run their own business. I know men that would make my wife a better 23599husband than I am; but, darn it, I'm not going to give her to 'em. 23600 -- The Best of Will Rogers 23601% 23602I don't care what star you're following, get that camel off my front lawn! 23603 -- Heard in Bethlehem 23604% 23605I don't care where I sit as long as I get fed. 23606 -- Calvin Trillin 23607% 23608I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the 23609nominating. 23610 -- Boss Tweed 23611% 23612I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't 23613deserve that either. 23614 -- Jack Benny 23615% 23616I don't do it for the money. 23617 -- Donald Trump, Art of the Deal 23618% 23619I don't drink, I don't like it, it makes me feel too good. 23620 -- K. Coates 23621% 23622I don't even butter my bread. I consider that cooking. 23623 -- Katherine Cebrian 23624% 23625I don't get no respect. 23626% 23627I don't have an eating problem. I eat. 23628I get fat. I buy new clothes. No problem. 23629% 23630I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem. 23631 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 23632% 23633I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two 23634highly trained certified public accountants. 23635 -- Elvis Presley 23636% 23637I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got hundreds of 23638people waiting to abuse me. 23639 -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters" 23640% 23641I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above 23642globes. They freak out and yell "Whooa, I'm *way* too high." 23643 -- Bruce Baum 23644% 23645I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to. 23646 -- Elvis Presley 23647% 23648I don't know what Descartes' got, 23649But booze can do what Kant cannot. 23650 -- Mike Cross 23651% 23652I don't know who my grandfather was; I am much 23653more concerned to know what his grandson will be. 23654 -- Abraham Lincoln 23655% 23656I don't know why anyone would want a computer in their home. 23657 -- Ken Olsen, president of DEC, 1974 23658% 23659I don't know why we're here, I say we all go home and free associate. 23660% 23661I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd 23662eat it, and I just hate it. 23663 -- Clarence Darrow 23664% 23665I don't like the Dutchman. He's a crocodile. He's sneaky. 23666I don't trust him. 23667 -- Jack "Legs" Diamond, just before a peace conference 23668 with Dutch Schultz. 23669 23670I don't trust Legs. He's nuts. He gets excited and starts pulling a 23671trigger like another guy wipes his nose. 23672 -- Dutch Schultz, just before a peace conference with 23673 "Legs" Diamond. 23674% 23675I don't make the rules, Gil, I only play the game. 23676 -- Cash McCall 23677% 23678I don't mind arguing with myself. 23679It's when I lose that it bothers me. 23680 -- Richard Powers 23681% 23682I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path. 23683 -- Ronald Mabbitt 23684% 23685I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the 23686streets and frighten the horses. 23687 -- Victor Hugo 23688% 23689I don't need no arms around me... 23690I don't need no drugs to calm me... 23691I have seen the writing on the wall. 23692Don't think I need anything at all. 23693No! Don't think I need anything at all! 23694All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall. 23695All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall. 23696 -- Pink Floyd, "Another Brick in the Wall", Part III 23697% 23698I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!? 23699% 23700I don't remember it, but I have it written down. 23701% 23702I don't see what's wrong with giving Bobby a little experience before 23703he starts to practice law. 23704 -- John F. Kennedy, upon appointing his brother 23705 Attorney-General. 23706% 23707I DON'T THINK I'M ALONE when I say I'd like to see more and more planets 23708fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system. 23709 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 23710% 23711"I don't think so," said Ren'e Descartes. Just then, he vanished. 23712% 23713I don't think they are going to give a shit about the Republican 23714Committee trying to bug the Democratic Committee's headquarters. 23715 -- Richard M. Nixon, 1972 23716% 23717"I don't understand," said the scientist, "why you lemmings all rush down 23718to the sea and drown yourselves." 23719 23720"How curious," said the lemming. "The one thing I don't understand is why 23721you human beings don't." 23722 -- James Thurber 23723% 23724I don't understand you anymore. 23725% 23726I don't wanna argue, and I don't wanna fight, 23727But there will definitely be a party tonight... 23728% 23729I don't want a pickle, 23730I just wanna ride on my motorcycle. 23731And I don't want to die, 23732I just want to ride on my motorcycle. 23733 -- Arlo Guthrie 23734% 23735I don't want people to love me. It makes for obligations. 23736 -- Jean Anouilh 23737% 23738I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. 23739I want to achieve immortality through not dying. 23740 -- Woody Allen 23741% 23742I don't want to alarm anybody, but there is an excellent chance that 23743the Earth will be destroyed in the next several days. Congress is 23744thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists 23745broadcast signals to alien beings. This would be a large mistake. 23746Alien beings have nuclear blaster death cannons. You cannot cut off 23747their federal programs as if they were merely poor people ... 23748 -- Dave Barry, "THE ALIENS ARE COMING, THE ALIENS ARE 23749 COMING!" 23750% 23751I don't want to bore you, but there's nobody else around for me to bore. 23752% 23753I don't want to live on in my work, I want to live on in my apartment. 23754 -- Woody Allen 23755% 23756I don't wish to appear overly inquisitive, but are you still alive? 23757% 23758I dote on his very absence. 23759 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" 23760% 23761I doubt, therefore I might be. 23762% 23763I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business 23764on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment 23765he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual 23766becoming, with a goal in front and not behind. 23767 -- George Bernard Shaw 23768% 23769I drink to make other people interesting. 23770 -- George Jean Nathan 23771% 23772I either want less decadence or more chance to participate in it. 23773% 23774I enjoy the time that we spend together. 23775% 23776I exist, therefore I am paid. 23777% 23778I fear explanations explanatory of things explained. 23779% 23780I feel sorry for your brain... all alone in that great big head... 23781% 23782I fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamt that I was reading on, 23783so I woke up from sheer boredom. 23784% 23785I figure that if God actually does exist, He's big enough to understand an 23786honest difference of opinion. 23787 -- Isaac Asimov 23788% 23789I finally went to the eye doctor. I got contacts. 23790I only need them to read, so I got flip-ups. 23791 -- Steven Wright 23792% 23793I find this corpse guilty of carrying a concealed weapon and I fine it $40. 23794 -- Judge Roy Bean, finding a pistol and $40 on a man he'd 23795 just shot. 23796% 23797I found out why my car was humming. It had forgotten the words. 23798% 23799I found Rome a city of bricks and left it a city of marble. 23800 -- Augustus Caesar 23801% 23802I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very 23803reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment. 23804 -- Gautama Buddha 23805% 23806I gave my love an Apple, that had no core; 23807I gave my love a building, that had no floor; 23808I wrote my love a program, that had no end; 23809I gave my love an upgrade, with no cryin'. 23810 23811How can there be an Apple, that has no core? 23812How can there be a building, that has no floor? 23813How can there be a program, that has no end? 23814How can there be an upgrade, with no cryin'? 23815 23816An Apple's MOS memory don't use no core! 23817A building that's perfect, it has no flaw! 23818A program with GOTOs, it has no end! 23819I lied about the upgrade, with no cryin'! 23820% 23821I gave up Smoking, Drinking and Sex. It was the most *__________horrifying* 20 23822minutes of my life! 23823% 23824I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it. 23825 -- Mae West 23826% 23827I get my exercise acting as pallbearer to my friends who exercise. 23828 -- Chauncey Depew 23829% 23830I get up each morning, gather my wits. 23831Pick up the paper, read the obits. 23832If I'm not there I know I'm not dead. 23833So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed. 23834 23835Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent? 23836My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went. 23837But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin, 23838And think of the places my get-up has been. 23839 -- Pete Seeger 23840% 23841I give you the man who -- the man who -- uh, I forgets the man who? 23842 -- Beauregard Bugleboy 23843% 23844I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs. 23845 -- H. L. Mencken 23846% 23847I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now 23848when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and 23849farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go." 23850 -- Steven Wright 23851% 23852I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were 23853wearing masks for. 23854 -- James Boren 23855% 23856I got this powdered water -- now I don't know what to add. 23857 -- Steven Wright 23858% 23859I got tired of listening to the recording on the phone at the movie 23860theater. So I bought the album. I got kicked out of a theater the 23861other day for bringing my own food in. I argued that the concession 23862stand prices were outrageous. Besides, I hadn't had a barbecue in a 23863long time. I went to the theater and the sign said adults $5 children 23864$2.50. I told them I wanted 2 boys and a girl. I once took a cab to 23865a drive-in movie. The movie cost me $95. 23866 -- Steven Wright 23867% 23868I got vision, and the rest of the world wears bifocals. 23869 -- Butch Cassidy 23870% 23871I GUESS I KINDA LOST CONTROL because in the middle of the play I ran up 23872and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. 23873 23874No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to illustrate one of the 23875human emotions which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when 23876you kill someone for money or something like that. Another emotion is 23877generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid 23878puppet. 23879 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 23880% 23881I GUESS I'LL NEVER FORGET HER. And maybe I don't want to. Her spirit 23882was wild, like a wild monkey. Her beauty was like a beautiful horse 23883being ridden by a wild monkey. I forget her other qualities. 23884 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 23885% 23886I guess I've been so wrapped up in playing the game that I never took 23887time enough to figure out where the goal line was -- what it meant to 23888win -- or even how you won. 23889 -- Cash McCall 23890% 23891I guess I've been wrong all my life, but so have billions of 23892other people... Certainty is just an emotion. 23893 -- Hal Clement 23894% 23895I GUESS OF ALL MY UNCLES, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him 23896Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat 23897one of us. Later, we found out he was a bear. 23898 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 23899% 23900I guess the Little League is even littler than we thought. 23901 -- D. Cavett 23902% 23903I GUESS WE WERE ALL GUILTY, in a way. We shot him, we skinned him, and 23904we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob." 23905 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 23906% 23907I had a dream last night... 23908I dreamt about 1976. 23909I dreamt about a country with incurable brain damage... 23910I even dreamt they gave it a heart transplant. 23911Then I woke up and I knew it was only a nightmare... 23912so I went back to sleep again. 23913 -- Ralph Steadman, "Fear and Loathing '72" 23914% 23915I had a feeling once about mathematics -- that I saw it all. Depth beyond 23916depth was revealed to me -- the Byss and the Abyss. I saw -- as one might 23917see the transit of Venus or even the Lord Mayor's Show -- a quantity passing 23918through infinity and changing its sign from plus to minus. I saw exactly 23919why it happened and why tergiversation was inevitable -- but it was after 23920dinner and I let it go. 23921 -- Winston Churchill 23922% 23923I had a virgin once. I had to go to Guatemala for her. She was blind 23924in one eye, and she had a stuffed alligator that said, "Welcome to Miami 23925Beach." 23926 -- The Stunt Man 23927% 23928I had another dream the other day about government financial management 23929people. They were small and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they 23930had stepped out of a painting by Goya. 23931% 23932I had another dream the other day about music critics. They were small 23933and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they had stepped out of a 23934painting by Goya. 23935 -- Stravinsky 23936% 23937I had never been too political, but I knew how white people treated black 23938people and it was hard for me to come back to the bullshit white people 23939put a black person through in this country. To realize you don't have any 23940power to make things different is a bitch. 23941 -- Miles Davis 23942% 23943I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet, 23944so I took his shoes. 23945 -- Dave Barry 23946% 23947I had the rare misfortune of being one of the first people to try and 23948implement a PL/1 compiler. 23949 -- T. Cheatham 23950% 23951I had to censor everything my sons watched ... even on the Mary Tyler 23952Moore show I heard the word "damn"! 23953 -- Mary Lou Bax 23954% 23955I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense. 23956% 23957I hate babies. They're so human. 23958 -- H. H. Munro 23959% 23960I hate dying. 23961 -- Dave Johnson 23962% 23963I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means 23964it's going to be up all night. 23965 -- Steven Wright 23966% 23967I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, 23968and I know how bad I am. 23969 -- Samuel Johnson 23970% 23971I hate quotations. 23972 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 23973% 23974I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park 23975there's nothing else to do. 23976 -- Lenny Bruce 23977% 23978I hate trolls. Maybe I could metamorph it into something else -- like a 23979ravenous, two-headed, fire-breathing dragon. 23980 -- Willow 23981% 23982I have a box of telephone rings under my bed. Whenever I get lonely, I 23983open it up a little bit, and I get a phone call. One day I dropped the 23984box all over the floor. The phone wouldn't stop ringing. I had to get 23985it disconnected. So I got a new phone. I didn't have much money, so I 23986had to get an irregular. It doesn't have a five. I ran into a friend 23987of mine on the street the other day. He said why don't you give me a 23988call. I told him I can't call everybody I want to anymore, my phone 23989doesn't have a five. He asked how long had it been that way. I said I 23990didn't know -- my calendar doesn't have any sevens. 23991 -- Steven Wright 23992% 23993I have a dog; I named him Stay. So when I'd go to call him, I'd say, "Here, 23994Stay, here..." but he got wise to that. Now when I call him he ignores me 23995and just keeps on typing. 23996 -- Steven Wright 23997% 23998I have a dream. I have a dream that one day, on the red hills of Georgia, 23999the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to 24000sit down together at the table of brotherhood. 24001 -- Martin Luther King, Jr. 24002% 24003I have a friend whose a billionaire. He invented Cliff's notes. When 24004I asked him how he got such a great idea he said, "Well first I... 24005I just... to make a long story short..." 24006 -- Steven Wright 24007% 24008I have a hard time being attracted to anyone who can beat me up. 24009 -- John McGrath, Atlanta sportswriter, on women weightlifters 24010% 24011I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. 24012I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen 24013some of it. 24014 -- Steven Wright 24015% 24016I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me, 24017And what can be the use of him is more than I can see. 24018He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head; 24019And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed. 24020 24021The funniest thing about him is the way he likes to grow-- 24022Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow; 24023For he sometimes shoots up taller, like an india-rubber ball, 24024And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all. 24025 -- Robert Louis Stevenson 24026% 24027I have a map of the United States. It's actual size. 24028I spent last summer folding it. 24029People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6". 24030 -- Steven Wright 24031% 24032I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died. 24033 -- Richard Diran 24034% 24035I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once 24036in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I 24037got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!" 24038 -- Steven Wright 24039% 24040I have a terrible headache, I was putting on toilet water and the lid fell. 24041% 24042I have a theory that it's impossible to prove anything, 24043but I can't prove it. 24044% 24045I have a very firm grasp on reality! I can reach out and strangle it 24046any time! 24047% 24048I have a very strange feeling about this... 24049 -- Luke Skywalker 24050% 24051I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to 24052sacrifice my wife's brother. 24053 -- Artemus Ward 24054% 24055I have always noticed that whenever a radical takes 24056to Imperialism, he catches it in a very acute form. 24057 -- Winston Churchill, 1903 24058% 24059I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it. 24060 -- Steven Wright 24061% 24062I have become me without my consent. 24063% 24064I have come up with a surefire concept for a hit television show, which 24065would be called "A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark." 24066 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 24067% 24068I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per 24069cent an idiot. 24070 -- George Bernard Shaw 24071% 24072I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable 24073to sit still in a room. 24074 -- Blaise Pascal 24075% 24076I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I tell them the truth 24077and they never believe me. 24078 -- Camillo Di Cavour 24079% 24080I have found it impossible to carry the heavy burden of responsibility and 24081to discharge my duties as king as I would wish to do without the help and 24082support of the woman I love. 24083 -- Edward, Duke of Windsor, announcing his abdication 24084 of the British throne in order to marry the American 24085 divorcee Wallis Warfield Simpson. (1936) 24086% 24087I have found little that is good about human beings. In my experience 24088most of them are trash. 24089 -- Sigmund Freud 24090% 24091I have gained this by philosophy: 24092that I do without being commanded what others 24093do only from fear of the law. 24094 -- Aristotle 24095% 24096I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it. 24097 -- Edgar Allan Poe 24098% 24099I have had my television aerials removed. It's the moral equivalent 24100of a prostate operation. 24101 -- Malcolm Muggeridge 24102% 24103I have hardly ever known a mathematician who was capable of reasoning. 24104 -- Plato 24105% 24106I have just had eighteen whiskeys in a row. 24107I do believe that is a record. 24108 -- Dylan Thomas, his last words 24109% 24110I have just read your lousy review buried in the back pages. You 24111sound like a frustrated old man who never made a success, an 24112eight-ulcer man on a four-ulcer job, and all four ulcers working. I 24113have never met you, but if I do you'll need a new nose and plenty of 24114beefsteak and perhaps a supporter below. Westbrook Pegler, a 24115guttersnipe, is a gentleman compared to you. You can take that as more 24116of an insult than as a reflection on your ancestry. 24117 -- Harry S. Truman 24118% 24119I have learned silence from the talkative, 24120toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind. 24121 -- Kahlil Gibran 24122% 24123I have learned 24124To spell hors d'oeuvres 24125Which still grates on 24126Some people's n'oeuvres. 24127 -- Warren Knox 24128% 24129I have lots of things in my pockets; 24130None of them is worth anything. 24131Sociopolitical whines aside, 24132Gan you give me, gratis, free, 24133The price of half a gallon 24134Of Gallo extra bad 24135And most of the bus fare home. 24136% 24137I have made mistakes but I have never made the mistake of claiming 24138that I have never made one. 24139 -- James Gordon Bennett 24140% 24141I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to 24142make it shorter. 24143 -- Blaise Pascal 24144% 24145I have more hit points that you can possible imagine. 24146% 24147I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole BODY! 24148 -- from "Cerebus" #82 24149% 24150I have never been one to sacrifice 24151my appetite on the altar of appearance. 24152 -- A. M. Readyhough 24153% 24154I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. 24155 -- Mark Twain 24156% 24157I have never seen anything fill up a vacuum so fast and still suck. 24158 -- Rob Pike, on X 24159 24160Steve Jobs said two years ago that X is brain-damaged and it will be 24161gone in two years. He was half right. 24162 -- Dennis M. Ritchie 24163 24164Dennis Ritchie is twice as bright as Steve Jobs, and only half wrong. 24165 -- Jim Gettys 24166% 24167I have never understood this liking for war. It panders to instincts 24168already catered for within the scope of any respectable domestic 24169establishment. 24170 -- Alan Bennett 24171% 24172I have no doubt that it is a part of the destiny of the human race, 24173in its gradual improvement, to leave off eating animals. 24174 -- Thoreau 24175% 24176I have no doubt the Devil grins, 24177As seas of ink I spatter. 24178Ye gods, forgive my "literary" sins-- 24179The other kind don't matter. 24180 -- Robert W. Service 24181% 24182I have no right, by anything I do or say, to demean a human being in his 24183own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him; it is what he thinks 24184of himself. To undermine a man's self-respect is a sin. 24185 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery 24186% 24187I have not yet begun to byte! 24188% 24189I have nothing but utter contempt for the courts of this land. 24190 -- George Wallace 24191% 24192I have now come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying, 24193and for this reason: I can never be satisfied with anyone who would 24194be blockhead enough to have me. 24195 -- Abraham Lincoln 24196% 24197I have often looked at women and committed adultery in my heart. 24198 -- Jimmy Carter 24199% 24200I have often regretted my speech, never my silence. 24201 -- Publilius Syrus 24202% 24203I have sacrificed time, health, and fortune, in the desire to complete these 24204Calculating Engines. I have also declined several offers of great personal 24205advantage to myself. But, notwithstanding the sacrifice of these advantages 24206for the purpose of maturing an engine of almost intellectual power, and 24207after expending from my own private fortune a larger sum than the government 24208of England has spent on that machine, the execution of which it only 24209commenced, I have received neither an acknowledgment of my labors, nor even 24210the offer of those honors or rewards which are allowed to fall within the 24211reach of men who devote themselves to purely scientific investigations... 24212 If the work upon which I have bestowed so much time and thought were 24213a mere triumph over mechanical difficulties, or simply curious, or if the 24214execution of such engines were of doubtful practicability or utility, some 24215justification might be found for the course which has been taken; but I 24216venture to assert that no mathematician who has a reputation to lose will 24217ever publicly express an opinion that such a machine would be useless if 24218made, and that no man distinguished as a civil engineer will venture to 24219declare the construction of such machinery impracticable... 24220 And at a period when the progress of physical science is obstructed 24221by that exhausting intellectual and manual labor, indispensable for its 24222advancement, which it is the object of the Analytical Engine to relieve, I 24223think the application of machinery in aid of the most complicated and abstruse 24224calculations can no longer be deemed unworthy of the attention of the country. 24225In fact, there is no reason why mental as well as bodily labor should not 24226be economized by the aid of machinery. 24227 -- Charles Babbage, "The Life of a Philosopher" 24228% 24229I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer. 24230 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 24231% 24232I have seen the Great Pretender and he is not what he seems. 24233% 24234I have that old biological urge, 24235I have that old irresistible surge, 24236I'm hungry. 24237% 24238I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best. 24239 -- Oscar Wilde 24240% 24241I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it 24242scattered around the beaches of the world ... Perhaps you've seen it. 24243 -- Steven Wright 24244% 24245I have to convince you, or at least snow you ... 24246 -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435 24247% 24248I have to think hard to name an interesting man who does not drink. 24249 -- Richard Burton 24250% 24251I have travelled the length and breadth of this country, and have talked with 24252the best people in business administration. I can assure you on the highest 24253authority that data processing is a fad and won't last out the year. 24254 -- Editor in charge of business books at Prentice-Hall 24255 publishers, responding to Karl V. Karlstrom (a junior 24256 editor who had recommended a manuscript on the new 24257 science of data processing), c. 1957 24258% 24259I have two very rare photographs: one is a picture of Houdini locking 24260his keys in his car; the other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell 24261beating up a child. 24262 -- Steven Wright 24263% 24264I have ways of making money that you know nothing of. 24265 -- John D. Rockefeller 24266% 24267I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when looked 24268at in the right way, did not become still more complicated. 24269 -- Poul Anderson 24270% 24271I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere. 24272% 24273I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it. 24274% 24275I hear the sound that the machines make, 24276and feel my heart break, just for a moment. 24277% 24278I hear what you're saying but I just don't care. 24279% 24280I heard a definition of an intellectual, that I thought was very 24281interesting: a man who takes more words than are necessary to tell 24282more than he knows. 24283 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower 24284% 24285I hold it, that a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing... 24286 -- Thomas Jefferson 24287% 24288I hold your hand in mine, dear, I press it to my lips, 24289I take a healthy bite from your dainty fingertips, 24290My joy would be complete, dear, if you were only here, 24291But still I keep your hand as a precious souvenir. 24292 24293The night you died I cut it off, I really don't know why, 24294For now each time I kiss it I get bloodstains on my tie, 24295I'm sorry now I killed you, our love was something fine, 24296So until they come to get me I will hold your hand in mine. 24297 24298 -- Tom Lehrer, "I Hold Your Hand In Mine" 24299% 24300I hope you're not pretending to be evil while 24301secretly being good. That would be dishonest. 24302% 24303I just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do? 24304 -- Raoul Duke 24305% 24306I just ate a whole package of Sweet Tarts and a can of Coke. 24307I think I saw God. 24308 -- B. Hathrume Duk 24309% 24310I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!! 24311% 24312I just got off the phone with Sonny Barger [President of the Hell's Angels]. 24313He wants me to appear as a character witness for him at his murder trial 24314and said he'd be glad to appear as a character witness on my behalf if I 24315ever needed one. Needless to say, I readily agreed. 24316 -- Thomas King Forcade, publisher of "High Times" 24317% 24318I just got out of the hospital after a 24319speed reading accident. I hit a bookmark. 24320 -- Steven Wright 24321% 24322I just know I'm a better manager when I have Joe DiMaggio in center field. 24323 -- Casey Stengel 24324% 24325I just need enough to tide me over until I need more. 24326 -- Bill Hoest 24327% 24328I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day. 24329I haven't had time for tobacco since. 24330 -- Arturo Toscanini 24331% 24332I knew her before she was a virgin. 24333 -- Oscar Levant, on Doris Day 24334% 24335I *knew* I had some reason for not logging you off... 24336If I could just remember what it was. 24337% 24338I knew one thing: as soon as anyone said you didn't need a gun, you'd better 24339take one along that worked. 24340 -- Raymond Chandler 24341% 24342I know if you been talkin' you done said 24343just how surprised you wuz by the living dead. 24344You wuz surprised that they could understand you words 24345and never respond once to all the truth they heard. 24346But don't you get square! 24347There ain't no rule that says they got to care. 24348They can always swear they're deaf, dumb and blind. 24349% 24350I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once. 24351% 24352I know not how I came into this, 24353shall I call it a dying life or a living death? 24354 -- St. Augustine 24355% 24356I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World 24357War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. 24358 -- Albert Einstein 24359% 24360I know on which side my bread is buttered. 24361 -- John Heywood 24362% 24363I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! 24364The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building. 24365 -- Charles Schulz 24366% 24367I know the disposition of women: when you will, they won't; when 24368you won't, they set their hearts upon you of their own inclination. 24369 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) 24370% 24371I know what "custody" [of the children] means. "Get even." That's all 24372custody means. Get even with your old lady. 24373 -- Lenny Bruce 24374% 24375I know what you're thinking -- "Did he fire six shots or only five?" 24376Well, to tell you the truth, in all the excitement, I kind of lost track 24377myself. But being this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the 24378world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself 24379one question: "Do I feel lucky?" Well, do you, punk? 24380 -- Harry Callahan, badge #2211 24381% 24382I know you believe you understand what you think this fortune says, 24383but I'm not sure you realize that what you are reading is not what 24384it means. 24385% 24386I know you think you thought you knew what you thought I said, 24387but I'm not sure you understood what you thought I meant. 24388% 24389I know you're in search of yourself, I just haven't seen you anywhere. 24390% 24391I lately lost a preposition; 24392It hid, I thought, beneath my chair 24393And angrily I cried, "Perdition! 24394Up from out of under there." 24395 24396Correctness is my vade mecum, 24397And straggling phrases I abhor, 24398And yet I wondered, "What should he come 24399Up from out of under for?" 24400 -- Morris Bishop 24401% 24402I lay my head on the railroad tracks, 24403Waitin' for the double E. 24404The railroad don't run no more. 24405Poor poor pitiful me. [chorus] 24406 Poor poor pitiful me, poor poor pitiful me. 24407 These young girls won't let me be, 24408 Lord have mercy on me! 24409 Woe is me! 24410 24411Well, I met a girl, West Hollywood, 24412Well, I ain't naming names. 24413But she really worked me over good, 24414She was just like Jesse James. 24415She really worked me over good, 24416She was a credit to her gender. 24417She put me through some changes, boy, 24418Sort of like a Waring blender. [chorus] 24419 24420I met a girl at the Rainbow Bar, 24421She asked me if I'd beat her. 24422She took me back to the Hyatt House, 24423I don't want to talk about it. [chorus] 24424 -- Warren Zevon, "Poor Poor Pitiful Me" 24425% 24426I learned to play guitar just to get the girls, and anyone who says they 24427didn't is just lyin'! 24428 -- Willie Nelson 24429% 24430I like being single. I'm always there when I need me. 24431 -- Art Leo 24432% 24433I like myself, but I won't say I'm as handsome as the bull 24434that kidnaped Europa. 24435 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero 24436% 24437I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to 24438promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want 24439peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of 24440the way and let them have it. 24441 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower 24442% 24443I like work ... I can sit and watch it for hours. 24444% 24445I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours. 24446% 24447I like young girls. Their stories are shorter. 24448 -- Tom McGuane 24449% 24450I like your game but we have to change the rules. 24451% 24452I live the way I type; fast, with a lot of mistakes. 24453% 24454I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts 24455to bite people themselves. 24456 -- August Strindberg 24457% 24458I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. 24459I may not get there, but I'm going first class. 24460 -- Art Buchwald 24461% 24462I love being married. It's so great to find that one special 24463person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. 24464 -- Rita Rudner 24465% 24466I love children. Especially when they cry -- for then 24467someone takes them away. 24468 -- Nancy Mitford 24469% 24470I love dogs, but I hate Chihuahuas. A Chihuahua isn't a dog. 24471It's a rat with a thyroid problem. 24472% 24473I love mankind ... It's people I hate. 24474 -- Schulz 24475% 24476I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I've ever known. 24477 -- Walt Disney 24478% 24479I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour! This is what 24480entertainment is all about ... Idiots, explosives and falling anvils. 24481 -- Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson 24482% 24483I love the smell of napalm in the morning. 24484 -- Robert Duval, "Apocalypse Now" 24485% 24486I love to eat them Smurfies 24487Smurfies what I love to eat 24488Bite they ugly heads off, 24489Nibble on they bluish feet. 24490% 24491I love treason but hate a traitor. 24492 -- Gaius Julius Caesar 24493% 24494I love you more than anything in this world. I don't expect that will last. 24495 -- Elvis Costello 24496% 24497I love you, not only for what you are, 24498but for what I am when I am with you. 24499 -- Roy Croft 24500% 24501I loved her with a love thirsty and desperate. I felt that we two might 24502commit some act so atrocious that the world, seeing us, would find it 24503irresistible. 24504 -- Gene Wolfe, "The Shadow of the Torturer" 24505% 24506I married beneath me. All women do. 24507 -- Lady Nancy Astor 24508% 24509I may appear to be just sitting here like a bucket of tapioca, but 24510don't let appearances fool you. I'm approaching old age ... at the 24511speed of light. 24512 -- Prof. Cosmo Fishhawk 24513% 24514I may be getting older, but I refuse to grow up! 24515% 24516I may kid around about drugs, but really, I take them seriously. 24517 -- Doctor Graper 24518% 24519I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent. 24520 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 24521% 24522I met a wonderful new man. He's fictional, but you can't have everything. 24523 -- Cecelia, "The Purple Rose of Cairo" 24524% 24525I met my latest girl friend in a department store. She was looking at 24526clothes, and I was putting Slinkys on the escalators. 24527 -- Steven Wright 24528% 24529I might have gone to West Point, but I was too proud to speak to a 24530congressman. 24531 -- Will Rogers 24532% 24533I must Create a System, or be enslav'd by another Man's; 24534I will not Reason and Compare; my business is to Create. 24535 -- William Blake, "Jerusalem" 24536% 24537I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini. 24538 -- Alexander Woollcott 24539% 24540I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a 24541week sometimes to make it up. 24542 -- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad" 24543% 24544I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts! 24545% 24546I myself have dreamed up a structure intermediate between Dyson spheres 24547and planets. Build a ring 93 million miles in radius -- one Earth orbit 24548-- around the sun. If we have the mass of Jupiter to work with, and if 24549we make it a thousand miles wide, we get a thickness of about a thousand 24550feet for the base. 24551 24552And it has advantages. The Ringworld will be much sturdier than a Dyson 24553sphere. We can spin it on its axis for gravity. A rotation speed of 770 24554m/s will give us a gravity of one Earth normal. We wouldn't even need to 24555roof it over. Place walls one thousand miles high at each edge, facing the 24556sun. Very little air will leak over the edges. 24557 24558Lord knows the thing is roomy enough. With three million times the surface 24559area of the Earth, it will be some time before anyone complains of the 24560crowding. 24561 -- Larry Niven, "Ringworld" 24562% 24563I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head. 24564 -- Fratianno 24565% 24566I needed the good will of the legislature of four states. I formed the 24567legislative bodies with my own money. I found that it was cheaper that 24568way. 24569 -- Jay Gould 24570% 24571I never cheated an honest man, only rascals. They wanted 24572something for nothing. I gave them nothing for something. 24573 -- Joseph "Yellow Kid" Weil 24574% 24575I never deny, I never contradict. I sometimes forget. 24576 -- Benjamin Disraeli, British PM, on dealing with the 24577 Royal Family 24578% 24579I never did it that way before. 24580% 24581I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the 24582places they do today. 24583 -- Will Rogers 24584% 24585I never failed to convince an audience that the best thing they 24586could do was to go away. 24587% 24588I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception. 24589 -- Groucho Marx 24590% 24591I never killed a man that didn't deserve it. 24592 -- Mickey Cohen 24593% 24594I never loved another person the way I loved myself. 24595 -- Mae West 24596% 24597I never made a mistake in my life. 24598I thought I did once, but I was wrong. 24599 -- Lucy Van Pelt 24600% 24601I never met a man I didn't want to fight. 24602 -- Lyle Alzado, professional football lineman 24603% 24604I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like. 24605% 24606I never pray before meals -- my mom's a good cook. 24607% 24608I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers; 24609what I said was all saloonkeepers were Democrats. 24610% 24611I never saw a purple cow 24612I never hope to see one 24613But I can tell you anyhow 24614I'd rather see than be one. 24615 -- Gellett Burgess 24616 24617I've never seen a purple cow 24618I never hope to see one 24619But from the milk we're getting now 24620There certainly must be one 24621 -- Ogden Nash 24622 24623Ah, yes, I wrote "The Purple Cow" 24624I'm sorry now I wrote it 24625But I can tell you anyhow 24626I'll kill you if you quote it. 24627 -- Gellett Burgess, many years later 24628% 24629I never take work home with me; I always leave it in some bar along the way. 24630% 24631I never vote for anyone. I always vote against. 24632 -- W. C. Fields 24633% 24634I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation. 24635 -- George Bernard Shaw 24636% 24637I only know what I read in the papers. 24638 -- Will Rogers 24639% 24640I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis! 24641 -- Royal Floyd Mengot (Klaus) 24642% 24643I opened the drawer of my little desk and a single letter fell out, a 24644letter from my mother, written in pencil, one of her last, with unfinished 24645words and an implicit sense of her departure. It's so curious: one can 24646resist tears and "behave" very well in the hardest hours of grief. But 24647then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window... or one notices 24648that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed... or 24649a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses. 24650 -- Letters From Colette 24651% 24652I owe, I owe, 24653It's off to work I go... 24654% 24655I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a 24656toilet seat. 24657 -- Michael McShane 24658% 24659I owe the public nothing. 24660 -- J. P. Morgan 24661% 24662I place economy among the first and most important virtues, and public debt as 24663the greatest of dangers to be feared. To preserve our independence, we must 24664not let our rulers load us with perpetual debt. If we run into such debts, we 24665must be taxed in our meat and drink, in our necessities and in our comforts, 24666in our labor and in our amusements. If we can prevent the government from 24667wasting the labor of the people, under the pretense of caring for them, they 24668will be happy. 24669 -- Thomas Jefferson 24670% 24671I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the 24672kind of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled 24673substances being in widespread use. Back then, there were no 24674restrictions, in terms of talent, on who could make an album, so we 24675made one, and it sounds like a group of people who have been given 24676powerful but unfamiliar instruments as a therapy for a degenerative 24677nerve disease. 24678 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake" 24679% 24680I pledge allegiance to the flag 24681of the United States of America 24682and to the republic for which it stands, 24683one nation, 24684indivisible, 24685with liberty 24686and justice for all. 24687 -- Francis Bellamy, 1892 24688% 24689I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. 24690 -- Steven Wright 24691% 24692I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow! 24693% 24694I prefer rogues to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest. 24695 -- Alexandre Dumas the Younger 24696% 24697I prefer the most unjust peace to the most righteous war. 24698 -- Cicero 24699 24700Even peace may be purchased at too high a price. 24701 -- Poor Richard 24702% 24703I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob. 24704 -- William F. Buckley 24705% 24706I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats 24707on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. 24708 -- Steven Wright 24709% 24710I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time. 24711 -- Steven Wright 24712% 24713I put the shotgun in an Adidas bag and padded it out with four pairs of 24714tennis socks, not my style at all, but that was what I was aiming for: If 24715they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical, go 24716crude. I'm a very technical boy. So I decided to get as crude as possible. 24717These days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even 24718aspire to crudeness. 24719 -- William Gibson, "Johnny Mnemonic" 24720% 24721I put up my thumb... and it blotted out the planet Earth. 24722 -- Neil Armstrong 24723% 24724I read a column by George Will that Scarface should be rated X because 24725parents were taking their children to see it. So what? Why should the 24726motion-picture industry be responsible for our morality? 24727 Dad says to Mom, "Honey, Scarface is in town." 24728 "What's it about?" 24729 "Human scum who kill each other over cocaine deals." 24730 "Sounds great! Let's take the kids!" 24731 -- Ian Shoales 24732% 24733I read Playboy for the same reason I read National Geographic. 24734To see the sights I'm never going to visit. 24735% 24736I read the newspaper avidly. It is my one form of continuous fiction. 24737 -- Aneurin Bevan 24738% 24739I realize that the MX missile is none of our concern. I realize that 24740the whole point of living in a democracy is that we pay professional 24741congresspersons to concern themselves with things like the MX missile 24742so we can be free to concern ourselves with getting hold of the 24743plumber. 24744 24745But from time to time, I feel I must address major public issues such 24746as this, because in a free and open society, where the very future of 24747the world hinges on decisions made by our elected leaders, you never 24748win large cash journalism awards if you stick to the topics I usually 24749write about, such as nose-picking. 24750 -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against 24751 Political Fallout" 24752% 24753I really had to act; 'cause I didn't have any lines. 24754 -- Marilyn Chambers 24755% 24756I really hate this damned machine 24757I wish that they would sell it. 24758It never does quite what I want 24759But only what I tell it. 24760% 24761I really look with commiseration over the great body of my fellow citizens 24762who, reading newspapers, live and die in the belief that they have known 24763something of what has been passing in the world in their time. 24764 -- Thomas Jefferson 24765% 24766I recently moved into a new apartment, and there was this switch on the 24767wall that didn't do anything... so anytime I had nothing to do, I'd just 24768flick that switch up and down... up and down... up and down... 24769Then one day I got a letter from a woman in Germany... it just said 24770"Cut it out." 24771 -- Steven Wright 24772% 24773I recognize terror as the finest emotion and so I will try to terrorize the 24774reader. But if I find that I cannot terrify, I will try to horrify, and if 24775I find that I cannot horrify, I'll go for the gross-out. 24776 -- Stephen King 24777% 24778I refuse to consign the whole male sex to the nursery. I insist on 24779believing that some men are my equals. 24780 -- Brigid Brophy 24781% 24782I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person. 24783% 24784I remember once being on a station platform in Cleveland at four in the 24785morning. A black porter was carrying my bags, and as we were waiting for 24786the train to come in, he said to me: "Excuse me, Mr. Cooke, I don't want to 24787invade your privacy, but I have a bet with a friend of mine. Who composed 24788the opening theme music of `Omnibus'? My friend said Virgil Thomson." I 24789asked him, "What do you say?" He replied, "I say Aaron Copeland." I said, 24790"You're right." The porter said, "I knew Thomson doesn't write counterpoint 24791that way." I told that to a network president, and he was deeply unimpressed. 24792 -- Alistair Cooke 24793% 24794I remember Ulysses well... Left one day for the post office 24795to mail a letter, met a blonde named Circe on the streetcar, 24796and didn't come back for 20 years. 24797% 24798I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some 24799kind of loophole. 24800 -- Leo Kessler 24801% 24802I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it 24803looks like I'm the only one moving. 24804 -- Steven Wright 24805% 24806I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education. 24807 -- Wilson Mizner 24808% 24809I respect the institution of marriage. I have always thought that every 24810woman should marry -- and no man. 24811 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Lothair" 24812% 24813I reverently believe that the maker who made us all makes everything in New 24814England, but the weather. I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be 24815raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in 24816New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted to make weather for 24817countries that require a good article, and will take their custom elsewhere 24818if they don't get it. 24819 -- Mark Twain 24820% 24821I sat down beside her, said hello, offered to buy her a drink... 24822and then natural selection reared its ugly head. 24823% 24824I saw a man pursuing the Horizon, 24825'Round and round they sped. 24826I was disturbed at this, 24827I accosted the man, 24828"It is futile," I said. 24829"You can never--" 24830"You lie!" He cried, 24831and ran on. 24832 -- Stephen Crane 24833% 24834I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. 24835 -- Steven Wright 24836% 24837I saw Lassie. It took me four shows to figure out why the hairy kid 24838never spoke. I mean, he could roll over and all that, but did that 24839deserve a series?" 24840% 24841I saw what you did and I know who you are. 24842% 24843I see a bad moon rising. 24844I see trouble on the way. 24845I see earthquakes and lightnin' 24846I see bad times today. 24847Don't go 'round tonight, 24848It's bound to take your life. 24849There's a bad moon on the rise. 24850 -- J. C. Fogerty, "Bad Moon Rising" 24851% 24852I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope 24853they do get 'em lowered down enough so people can afford to pay 'em. 24854 -- Will Rogers 24855% 24856I see the eigenvalue in thine eye, 24857I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh. 24858Bernoulli would have been content to die 24859Had he but known such _a-squared cos 2(phi)! 24860 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 24861% 24862I see where we are starting to pay some attention to our neighbors to 24863the south. We could never understand why Mexico wasn't just crazy about 24864us; for we have always had their good will, and oil and minerals, at heart. 24865 -- The Best of Will Rogers 24866% 24867I sent a letter to the fish, 24868I told them, "This is what I wish." 24869The little fishes of the sea, 24870They sent an answer back to me. 24871The little fishes' answer was 24872"We cannot do it, sir, because ..." 24873I sent a letter back to say 24874It would be better to obey. 24875But someone came to me and said 24876"The little fishes are in bed." 24877I said to him, and I said it plain 24878"Then you must wake them up again." 24879I said it very loud and clear, 24880I went and shouted in his ear. 24881But he was very stiff and proud, 24882He said "You needn't shout so loud." 24883And he was very proud and stiff, 24884He said "I'll go and wake them if ..." 24885I took a kettle from the shelf, 24886I went to wake them up myself. 24887But when I found the door was locked 24888I pulled and pushed and kicked and knocked, 24889And when I found the door was shut, 24890I tried to turn the handle, But ... 24891 24892 "Is that all?" asked Alice. 24893 "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye." 24894 -- Lewis Carroll, 24895 "Through the Looking-Glass, 24896 and What Alice Found There" (1871) 24897% 24898I sent a message to another time, 24899But as the days unwind -- this I just can't believe, 24900I sent a message to another plane, 24901Maybe it's all a game -- but this I just can't conceive. 24902... 24903I met someone who looks at lot like you, 24904She does the things you do, but she is an IBM. 24905She's only programmed to be very nice, 24906But she's as cold as ice, whenever I get too near, 24907She tells me that she likes me very much, 24908But when I try to touch, she makes it all too clear. 24909... 24910I realize that it must seem so strange, 24911That time has rearranged, but time has the final word, 24912She knows I think of you, she reads my mind, 24913She tries to be unkind, she knows nothing of our world. 24914 -- ELO, "Yours Truly, 2095" 24915% 24916I shall come to you in the night and we shall see who is stronger -- 24917a little girl who won't eat her dinner or a great big man with cocaine 24918in his veins. 24919 -- Sigmund Freud, in a letter to his fiancee 24920% 24921I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck. 24922 -- graffito in Los Angeles 24923 24924On a clear day, 24925U.C.L.A. 24926 -- graffito in San Francisco 24927 24928There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our 24929lungs there'd be no place to put it all. 24930 -- Robert Orben 24931% 24932I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than 24933most western countries. 24934 -- George Burns 24935% 24936I smell a wumpus. 24937% 24938I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker 24939Brothers -- they're going to make a game out of it. 24940 -- Woody Allen 24941% 24942I sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his 24943ability. 24944 -- Oscar Wilde 24945% 24946I steal. 24947 -- Sam Giancana, explaining his livelihood to his draft board 24948 24949Easy. I own Chicago. I own Miami. I own Las Vegas. 24950 -- Sam Giancana, when asked what he did for a living 24951% 24952I stick my neck out for nobody. 24953 -- Humphrey Bogart, "Casablanca" (1942) 24954% 24955I stood on the leading edge, 24956The eastern seaboard at my feet. 24957"Jump!" said Yoko Ono 24958I'm too scared and good-looking, I cried. 24959Go on and give it a try, 24960Why prolong the agony, all men must die. 24961 -- Roger Waters, "The Pros and Cons of Hitchhiking" 24962% 24963I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to 24964see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. 24965 -- Shirley Temple 24966% 24967I suggest a new strategy, R2: let the Wookiee win. 24968 -- C-3PO 24969% 24970I suggest you locate your hot tub outside your house, so it won't do 24971too much damage if it catches fire or explodes. First you decide which 24972direction your hot tub should face for maximum solar energy. After 24973much trial and error, I have found that the best direction for a hot 24974tub to face is up. 24975 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 24976% 24977I suppose I could collect my books and get on back to school, 24978Or steal my daddy's cue and make a living out of playing pool, 24979Or find myself a rock 'n' roll band, 24980That needs a helping hand, 24981Oh, Maggie I wish I'd never seen your face. 24982 -- Rod Stewart, "Maggie May" 24983% 24984I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the 24985country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which 24986I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving 24987are worth considering, to wit: 24988 24989[110.13]: 24990 "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not 24991 to interfere with oncoming traffic." 24992 24993[22.17b]: 24994 "Learning to change lanes takes time and patience. The best 24995 recommendation that can be made is to go to a Celtics [basketball] 24996 game; study the fast break and then go out and practice it 24997 on the highway." 24998 24999[41.16]: 25000 "Never bump a baby carriage out of a crosswalk unless the kid's really 25001 asking for it." 25002% 25003I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the 25004country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which 25005I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving 25006are worth considering, to wit: 25007 25008[131.16d]: 25009 "Directional signals are generally not used except during vehicle 25010 inspection; however, a left-turn signal is appropriate when making 25011 a U-turn on a divided highway." 25012 25013[96.7b]: 25014 "When paying tolls, remember that it is necessary to release the 25015 quarter a full 3 seconds before passing the basket if you are 25016 traveling more than 60 MPH." 25017% 25018I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the 25019country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which 25020I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving 25021are worth considering, to wit: 25022 25023[173.15b]: 25024 "When competing for a section of road or a parking space, remember 25025 that the vehicle in need of the most body work has the right-of-way." 25026 25027[141.2a]: 25028 "Although it is altogether possible to fit a 6' car into a 6' 25029 parking space, it is hardly ever possible to fit a 6' car into 25030 a 5' parking space." 25031 25032[105.31]: 25033 "Teenage drivers believe that they are immortal, and drive accordingly. 25034 Nevertheless, you should avoid the temptation to prove them wrong." 25035% 25036I suppose that in a few hours I will sober up. That's such a sad 25037thought. I think I'll have a few more drinks to prepare myself. 25038% 25039I tell them to turn to the study of mathematics, for it 25040is only there that they might escape the lusts of the flesh. 25041 -- Thomas Mann, "The Magic Mountain" 25042% 25043I tell ya, drugs never worked out for me. The first time I tried smoking 25044pot I didn't know what I was doing. I smoked half the joint, got the 25045munchies, and ate the other half. 25046 25047Well, the first time I tried coke I was so embarrassed. I kept getting the 25048bottle stuck up my nose. 25049 -- Rodney Dangerfield 25050% 25051I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track 25052and they shot my horse with the opening gun. 25053 25054Well, just last week I was at a Chinese restaurant and when I opened my 25055fortune cookie I found the guy's check sitting at the next table. I said, 25056"Hey, buddy, I got your check", he said, "Thanks." 25057 -- Rodney Dangerfield 25058% 25059I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt 25060the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, 25061I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom. 25062 -- Rodney Dangerfield 25063% 25064I think... I think it's in my basement... Let me go upstairs and check. 25065 -- M. C. Escher 25066% 25067I think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward 25068or it dies. Well, what we have on our hands here is a dead shark. 25069 -- Woody Allen 25070% 25071I think I'll snatch a kiss and flee. 25072 -- William Shakespeare 25073% 25074I think I'm schizophrenic. One half of me's 25075paranoid and the other half's out to get him. 25076% 25077I think it is true for all _n. I was just playing it safe with _n >= 3 25078because I couldn't remember the proof. 25079 -- Baker, Pure Math 351a 25080% 25081I THINK MAN INVENTED THE CAR by instinct. 25082 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 25083% 25084I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it. 25085% 25086I think she must have been very strictly brought up, she's so 25087desperately anxious to do the wrong thing correctly. 25088 -- H. H. Munro, a.k.a. Saki, "Reginald on Worries" 25089% 25090I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick 25091and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this 25092country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people 25093in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly 25094not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am. 25095 -- Monty Python 25096% 25097I think that I shall never hear 25098A poem lovelier than beer. 25099The stuff that Joe's Bar has on tap, 25100With golden base and snowy cap. 25101The stuff that I can drink all day 25102Until my mem'ry melts away. 25103Poems are made by fools, I fear 25104But only Schlitz can make a beer. 25105% 25106I think that I shall never see 25107A billboard lovely as a tree. 25108Perhaps, unless the billboards fall 25109I'll never see a tree at all. 25110 -- Ogden Nash 25111% 25112I think that I shall never see 25113A thing as lovely as a tree. 25114But as you see the trees have gone 25115They went this morning with the dawn. 25116A logging firm from out of town 25117Came and chopped the trees all down. 25118But I will trick those dirty skunks 25119And write a brand new poem called "Trunks". 25120% 25121I think the sky is blue because it's a shift from black through purple 25122to blue, and it has to do with where the light is. You know, the 25123farther we get into darkness, and there's a shifting of color of light 25124into the blueness, and I think as you go farther and farther away from 25125the reflected light we have from the sun or the light that's bouncing 25126off this earth, uh, the darker it gets ... I think if you look at the 25127color scale, you start at black, move it through purple, move it on 25128out, it's the shifting of color. We mentioned before about the stars 25129singing, and that's one of the effects of the shifting of colors. 25130 -- Pat Robertson, The 700 Club 25131% 25132I think the world is ready for the story of an ugly duckling, who grew up to 25133remain an ugly duckling, and lived happily ever after. 25134 -- Chick 25135% 25136I think the world is run by C students. 25137 -- Al McGuire 25138% 25139I think the world would be a more peaceful place if people 25140could just keep their fingers out of the fortune files. 25141 -- Jordan K. Hubbard 25142% 25143I THINK THERE SHOULD BE SOMETHING in science called the "reindeer effect." 25144I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone 25145say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer 25146effect." 25147 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 25148% 25149I think, therefore I am... I think. 25150% 25151I think there's a world market for about five computers. 25152 -- attr. Thomas J. Watson, Chairman of the Board, IBM (1943) 25153% 25154I THINK THEY SHOULD CONTINUE the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for 25155paneling. 25156 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 25157% 25158I think we are in Rats Alley where the dead men lost their bones. 25159 -- T. S. Eliot 25160% 25161I think we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown 25162... HEY! PAY ATTENTION WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU DAMMIT! I said I think 25163we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown today. 25164When we take the time to be courteous to each other, we find that we 25165are happier and less likely to engage in nuclear war. This point was 25166driven home by the recent summit talks, where Nancy Reagan and Raisa 25167Gorbachev, each of whose husband thinks the other's husband is vermin, 25168were able to sit down at a high-level tea and engage in courteous 25169conversation ... 25170 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" 25171% 25172I think we're all Bozos on this bus. 25173 -- The Firesign Theatre 25174% 25175I think we're in trouble. 25176 -- Han Solo 25177% 25178I think your opinions are reasonable, 25179except for the one about my mental instability. 25180 -- Psychology Professor, Fairfield University 25181% 25182"I thought that you said you were 20 years old!" 25183"As a programmer, yes," she replied, 25184"And you claimed to be very near two meters tall!" 25185"You said you were blonde, but you lied!" 25186Oh, she was a hacker and he was one, too, 25187They had so much in common, you'd say. 25188They exchanged jokes and poems, and clever new hacks, 25189And prompts that were cute or risque'. 25190He sent her a picture of his brother Sam, 25191She sent one from some past high school day, 25192And it might have gone on for the rest of their lives, 25193If they hadn't met in L.A. 25194"Your beard is an armpit," she said in disgust. 25195He answered, "Your armpit's a beard!" 25196And they chorused: "I think I could stand all the rest 25197If you were not so totally weird!" 25198If she had not said what he wanted to hear, 25199And he had not done just the same, 25200They'd have been far more honest, and never have met, 25201And would not have had fun with the game. 25202 -- Judith Schrier, 25203 "Face to Face After Six Months of Electronic Mail" 25204% 25205I thought there was something fishy about the butler. Probably a Pisces, 25206working for scale. 25207 -- The Firesign Theatre, 25208 "The Further Adventures of Nick Danger" 25209% 25210I thought YOU silenced the guard! 25211% 25212I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a 25213pallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises! 25214 -- Winston Churchill 25215% 25216I took a course in speed reading, learning to read straight down the middle 25217of the page, and I was able to go through "War and Peace" in twenty minutes. 25218It's about Russia. 25219 -- Woody Allen 25220% 25221I treasure this strange combination found in very few persons: a fierce 25222desire for life as well as a lucid perception of the ultimate futility of 25223the quest. 25224 -- Madeleine Gobeil 25225% 25226I truly wish I could be a great surgeon or philosopher or author or anything 25227constructive, but in all honesty I'd rather turn up my amplifier full blast 25228and drown myself in the noise. 25229 -- Charles Schmid, the "Tucson Murderer" 25230% 25231I trust the first lion he meets will do his duty. 25232 -- J. P. Morgan on Teddy Roosevelt's safari 25233% 25234I try not to break the rules but merely to test their elasticity. 25235 -- Bill Veeck 25236% 25237I try to keep an open mind, but not so open that my brains fall out. 25238 -- Judge Harold T. Stone 25239% 25240I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. 25241The weatherman said "I don't understand it. I was supposed to be 80 25242degrees today," and I said "Oops." 25243 25244In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so 25245I never have to go upstairs. 25246 25247I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in 25248front of it in only eight minutes. 25249 -- Steven Wright 25250% 25251I understand why you're confused. You're thinking too much. 25252 -- Carole Wallach 25253% 25254I use not only all the brains I have, but all those I can borrow as well. 25255 -- Woodrow Wilson 25256% 25257I use technology in order to hate it more properly. 25258 -- Nam June Paik 25259% 25260I used to be a rebel in my youth. 25261This cause... that cause... (chuckle) I backed 'em ALL! But I learned. 25262Rebellion is simply a device used by the immature to hide from his own 25263problems. So I lost interest in politics. Now when I feel aroused by 25264a civil rights case or a passport hearing... I realize it's just a device. 25265I go to my analyst and we work it out. You have no idea how much better 25266I feel these days. 25267 -- J. Feiffer 25268% 25269I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure. 25270% 25271I used to be disgusted, now I find I'm just amused. 25272 -- Elvis Costello 25273% 25274I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. 25275 -- Mae West 25276% 25277I used to be such a sweet sweet thing, 'til they got a hold of me, 25278I opened doors for little old ladies, I helped the blind to see, 25279I got no friends 'cause they read the papers, they can't be seen, 25280With me, and I'm feelin' real shot down, 25281And I'm, uh, feelin' mean, 25282 No more, Mr. Nice Guy, 25283 No more, Mr. Clean, 25284 No more, Mr. Nice Guy, 25285They say "He's sick, he's obscene". 25286 25287My dog bit me on the leg today, my cat clawed my eyes, 25288Ma's been thrown out of the social circle, and Dad has to hide, 25289I went to church, incognito, when everybody rose, 25290The reverend Smithy, he recognized me, 25291And punched me in the nose, he said, 25292(chorus) 25293He said "You're sick, you're obscene". 25294 -- Alice Cooper, "No More Mr. Nice Guy" 25295% 25296I used to have a drinking problem. 25297Now I love the stuff. 25298% 25299I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went anywhere, I had 25300to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway. 25301 25302I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks 25303like I'm the only one moving. 25304 25305I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know 25306the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" And I said, "Yes, but I wasn't going 25307to be out that long." 25308 25309I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the old one out. Now 25310my car goes 500 miles an hour. 25311 -- Steven Wright 25312% 25313I used to think I was a child; now I think I am an adult -- not because 25314I no longer do childish things, but because those I call adults are no 25315more mature than I am. 25316% 25317I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure. 25318% 25319I used to think romantic love was a neurosis shared by two, a supreme 25320foolishness. I no longer thought that. There's nothing foolish in 25321loving anyone. Thinking you'll be loved in return is what's foolish. 25322 -- Rita Mae Brown 25323% 25324I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my 25325body. Then I realized who was telling me this. 25326 -- Emo Phillips 25327% 25328I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere 25329near the place. 25330 -- Steven Wright 25331% 25332I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to 25333animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for 25334anything connected with society except that which makes the roads 25335safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men and women 25336warmer in the winter, and happier in the summer. 25337 -- Brendan Behan 25338% 25339I waited and waited and when no message came I knew it must be from you. 25340% 25341I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law. 25342 -- Martin Luther King, Jr. 25343% 25344I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch "St. 25345Elsewhere", won't scream, "FORGET IT, BLANCHE ... IT'S TIME FOR 'HEE 25346HAW'!!" 25347 -- Berke Breathed, "Bloom County" 25348% 25349I want to marry a girl just like the girl that married dear old dad. 25350 -- Freud 25351% 25352I want to reach your mind -- where is it currently located? 25353% 25354I was appalled by this story of the destruction of a member of a valued 25355endangered species. It's all very well to celebrate the practicality of 25356pigs by ennobling the porcine sibling who constructed his home out of 25357bricks and mortar. But to wantonly destroy a wolf, even one with an 25358excessive taste for porkers, is unconscionable in these ecologically 25359critical times when both man and his domestic beasts continue to maraud 25360the earth. 25361 Sylvia Kamerman, "Book Reviewing" 25362% 25363I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I 25364ordered French Toast in the Renaissance. 25365 -- Steven Wright 25366% 25367I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know 25368anything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child Prodigy is 25369a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows 25370up. 25371 -- Will Rogers 25372% 25373I was born in a barrel of butcher knives 25374Trouble I love and peace I despise 25375Wild horses kicked me in my side 25376Then a rattlesnake bit me and he walked off and died. 25377 -- Bo Diddley 25378% 25379I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn. By accident I 25380put the car key in the door lock. The house started up. So I figured 25381what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times. I thought I 25382should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to 25383get off my driveway. 25384 -- Steven Wright 25385% 25386I was eatin' some chop suey, 25387With a lady in St. Louie, 25388When there sudden comes a knockin' at the door. 25389And that knocker, he says, "Honey, 25390Roll this rocker out some money, 25391Or your daddy shoots a baddie to the floor." 25392 -- Mr. Miggle 25393% 25394I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. 25395I said I didn't know. 25396 -- Mark Twain 25397% 25398I was in a bar and I walked up to a beautiful woman and said, "Do you live 25399around here often?" She said, "You're wearing two different-color socks." 25400I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness." 25401She said, "How do you feel?" And I said, "You know when you're sitting on a 25402chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so 25403you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like 25404that all the time." 25405 -- Steven Wright, "Gentlemen's Quarterly" 25406% 25407I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in 25408the mouth by Miss Congeniality. 25409 -- Phyllis Diller 25410% 25411I was in accord with the system so long as it 25412permitted me to function effectively. 25413 -- Albert Speer 25414% 25415I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all 25416these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these 25417kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and 25418I wasn't tempted to buy one but I was reminded of the fact that I had been 25419avoiding the beach. 25420 -- Lucinda Childs "Einstein On The Beach" 25421% 25422I was in Vegas last week. I was at the roulette table, having a 25423lengthy argument about what I considered an Odd number. 25424 -- Steven Wright 25425% 25426I was offered a job as a hoodlum and I turned it down cold. A thief is 25427anybody who gets out and works for his living, like robbing a bank or 25428breaking into a place and stealing stuff, or kidnaping somebody. He really 25429gives some effort to it. A hoodlum is a pretty lousy sort of scum. He 25430works for gangsters and bumps guys off when they have been put on the spot. 25431Why, after I'd made my rep, some of the Chicago Syndicate wanted me to work 25432for them as a hood -- you know, handling a machine gun. They offered me 25433two hundred and fifty dollars a week and all the protection I needed. I 25434was on the lam at the time and not able to work at my regular line. But 25435I wouldn't consider it. "I'm a thief," I said. "I'm no lousy hoodlum." 25436 -- Alvin Karpis, "Public Enemy Number One" 25437% 25438I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending 25439their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to 25440buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike. 25441 -- Emile Henry Gauvreay 25442% 25443I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full 25444house and four people died. 25445 -- Steven Wright 25446% 25447I was the best I ever had. 25448 -- Woody Allen 25449% 25450I was toilet-trained at gunpoint. 25451 -- Billy Braver 25452% 25453I was working on a case. It had to be a case, because I couldn't afford a 25454desk. Then I saw her. This tall blond lady. She must have been tall 25455because I was on the third floor. She rolled her deep blue eyes towards 25456me. I picked them up and rolled them back. We kissed. She screamed. I 25457took the cigarette from my mouth and kissed her again. 25458% 25459I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth. 25460 -- Chico Marx 25461% 25462I watch television because you don't know what it will do if you leave it 25463in the room alone. 25464% 25465I went home with a waitress, 25466The way I always do. 25467How I was I to know? 25468She was with the Russians too. 25469 25470I was gambling in Havana, 25471I took a little risk. 25472Send lawyers, guns, and money, 25473Dad, get me out of this. 25474 -- Warren Zevon, "Lawyers, Guns and Money" 25475% 25476I went into a general store ... they wouldn't sell me anything specific. 25477 -- Steven Wright 25478% 25479I went into the business for the money, and the art grew out of it. 25480If people are disillusioned by that remark, I can't help it. 25481It's the truth. 25482 -- Charlie Chaplin 25483% 25484I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained 25485it to expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass 25486stars, for stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold. 25487I ran it assuming the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be 25488absent -- not because I wanted to know the answer, but because I had 25489developed an intuitive feel for the answer in this particular case. 25490Finally I got a run in which the computer showed the pulsar's 25491temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found an error. I 25492chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the program to 25493the point where it would not run at all. 25494 -- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star: Of Pulsars, Black 25495 Holes and the Fate of Stars" 25496% 25497I went over to my friend, he was eatin' a pickle. 25498I said "Hi, what's happenin'?" 25499He said "Nothin'." 25500Try to sing this song with that kind of enthusiasm; 25501As if you just squashed a cop. 25502 -- Arlo Guthrie, "Motorcycle Song" 25503% 25504I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours. 25505Great song. 25506 -- Fred Reuss 25507% 25508I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any 25509questions, I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the 25510speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen? 25511 25512He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work 25513for him then. 25514 -- Steven Wright 25515% 25516I went to my first computer conference at the New York Hilton about 20 25517years ago. When somebody there predicted the market for microprocessors 25518would eventually be in the millions, someone else said, "Where are they 25519all going to go? It's not like you need a computer in every doorknob!" 25520 25521Years later, I went back to the same hotel. I noticed the room keys had 25522been replaced by electronic cards you slide into slots in the doors. 25523 25524There was a computer in every doorknob. 25525 -- Danny Hillis 25526% 25527I went to my mother and told her I intended to commence a different life. 25528I asked for and obtained her blessing and at once commenced the career 25529of a robber. 25530 -- Tiburcio Vasquez 25531% 25532I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in 25533the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't 25534included. 25535 -- Steven Wright 25536% 25537I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the 25538statues that are in all the other museums. 25539 -- Steven Wright 25540% 25541I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that 25542it took seven others to beat him! 25543% 25544I will always love the false image I had of you. 25545% 25546I will follow the good side right to the fire, 25547but not into it if I can help it. 25548 -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne 25549% 25550I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the 25551year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The 25552Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out 25553the lessons that they teach. Oh, tell me that I may sponge away the 25554writing on this stone! 25555 -- Charles Dickens 25556% 25557I will make you shorter by the head. 25558 -- Elizabeth I 25559% 25560I will never lie to you. 25561% 25562I will not be briefed or debriefed, my underwear is my own. 25563% 25564I will not drink! 25565But if I do... 25566I will not get drunk! 25567But if I do... 25568I will not in public! 25569But if I do... 25570I will not fall down! 25571But if I do... 25572I will fall face down so that they cannot see my company badge. 25573% 25574I will not forget you. 25575% 25576I will not play at tug o' war. 25577I'd rather play at hug o' war, 25578Where everyone hugs 25579Instead of tugs, 25580Where everyone giggles 25581And rolls on the rug, 25582Where everyone kisses, 25583And everyone grins, 25584And everyone cuddles, 25585And everyone wins. 25586 -- Shel Silverstein, "Hug O' War" 25587% 25588I will not say that women have no character; rather, they have a new 25589one every day. 25590 -- Heine 25591% 25592I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, 25593we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad. 25594 -- Jack Handey 25595% 25596I WISH I HAD A KRYPTONITE CROSS, because then you could keep both Dracula 25597and Superman away. 25598 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 25599% 25600I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. 25601There's a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't seem to work. 25602 -- Gallagher 25603% 25604I wish you humans would leave me alone. 25605% 25606I wish you were a Scotch on the rocks. 25607% 25608I woke up a feelin' mean 25609went down to play the slot machine 25610the wheels turned round, 25611and the letters read 25612"Better head back to Tennessee Jed" 25613 -- Grateful Dead 25614% 25615I woke up this morning and discovered that everything in my apartment 25616had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica. I told my roommate, 25617"Isn't this amazing? Everything in the apartment has been stolen and 25618replaced with an exact replica." He said, "Do I know you?" 25619 -- Steven Wright 25620% 25621"I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed. Oh, I 25622know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must 25623be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people 25624I don't know yet and all kinds of adventures and battles." 25625 -- Bastian B. Bux 25626% 25627I wonder what the leash and collar set does for excitement? 25628 -- Tramp, "Lady and the Tramp" 25629% 25630I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, 25631"If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?" 25632 -- Steven Wright 25633% 25634I would be batting the big feller if they wasn't ready with the other one, 25635but a left-hander would be the thing if they wouldn't have knowed it already 25636because there is more things involved than could come up on the road, even 25637after we've been home a long while. 25638 -- Casey Stengel 25639% 25640I would gladly raise my voice in praise of women, 25641only they won't let me raise my voice. 25642 -- Winkle 25643% 25644I would have made a good pope. 25645 -- Richard M. Nixon 25646% 25647I would have promised those terrorists a trip to Disneyland if it would have 25648gotten the hostages released. I thank God they were satisfied with the 25649missiles and we didn't have to go to that extreme. 25650 -- Oliver North 25651% 25652I would have you imagine, then, that there exists in the mind of man a block 25653of wax... and that we remember and know what is imprinted as long as the 25654image lasts; but when the image is effaced, or cannot be taken, then we 25655forget or do not know. 25656 -- Plato, Dialogs, Theateus 191 25657 25658 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 25659 referring to image activation and termination.] 25660% 25661I would like the government to do all it can to mitigate, then, in 25662understanding, in mutuality of interest, in concern for the common good, 25663our tasks will be solved. 25664 -- Warren G. Harding 25665% 25666I would like to electrocute everyone who uses the word "fair" in connection 25667with income tax policies. 25668 -- William F. Buckley 25669% 25670I would like to know 25671What I was fencing in 25672And what I was fencing out. 25673 -- Robert Frost 25674% 25675I would much rather have men ask why 25676I have no statue, than why I have one. 25677 -- Marcus Porcius Cato 25678% 25679I would not like to be a political leader in Russia. They never know when 25680they're being taped. 25681 -- Richard M. Nixon 25682 25683I love America. You always hurt the one you love. 25684 -- David Frye impersonating Nixon 25685% 25686I would rather be a serf in a poor man's house 25687and be above ground than reign among the dead. 25688 -- Achilles, "The Odyssey", XI, 489-91 25689% 25690I would rather say that a desire to drive fast 25691sports cars is what sets man apart from the animals. 25692% 25693I wouldn't be so paranoid if you weren't all out to get me!! 25694% 25695I wouldn't marry her with a ten foot pole. 25696% 25697I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity 25698for everyone, but they've always worked for me. 25699 -- Hunter S. Thompson 25700% 25701I wrecked trains because I like to see people die. I like to hear 25702them scream. 25703 -- Sylvestre Matuschka, "the Hungarian Train Wreck Freak", 25704 escaped prison 1937, not heard from since 25705% 25706I 25707am 25708not 25709very 25710happy 25711acting 25712pleased 25713whenever 25714prominent 25715scientists 25716overmagnify 25717intellectual 25718enlightenment 25719% 25720IBM: 25721 [International Business Machines Corp.] Also known as Itty Bitty 25722 Machines or The Lawyer's Friend. The dominant force in computer 25723 marketing, having supplied worldwide some 75% of all known hardware 25724 and 10% of all software. To protect itself from the litigious envy 25725 of less successful organizations, such as the US government, IBM 25726 employs 68% of all known ex-Attorneys' General. 25727% 25728IBM: 25729 I've Been Moved 25730 Idiots Become Managers 25731 Idiots Buy More 25732 Impossible to Buy Machine 25733 Incredibly Big Machine 25734 Industry's Biggest Mistake 25735 International Brotherhood of Mercenaries 25736 It Boggles the Mind 25737 It's Better Manually 25738 Itty-Bitty Machines 25739% 25740IBM Advanced Systems Group -- a bunch of mindless jerks, 25741who'll be first against the wall when the revolution comes... 25742 -- with regrets to Douglas Adams 25743% 25744IBM had a PL/I, 25745 Its syntax worse than JOSS; 25746And everywhere this language went, 25747 It was a total loss. 25748% 25749IBM: It may be slow, but it's hard to use. 25750% 25751IBM Pollyanna Principle: 25752 Machines should work. People should think. 25753% 25754IBM's original motto: 25755 Cogito ergo vendo; vendo ergo sum. 25756% 25757I'd be a poorer man if I'd never seen an eagle fly. 25758 -- John Denver 25759 25760[I saw an eagle fly once. Fortunately, I had my eagle fly swatter handy. Ed.] 25761% 25762I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. 25763% 25764I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse. 25765 -- Groucho Marx 25766% 25767I'd just as soon kiss a Wookiee. 25768 -- Princess Leia Organa 25769% 25770I'D LIKE TO BE BURIED INDIAN-STYLE, where they put you up on a high rack, 25771above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even 25772feel it. 25773 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 25774% 25775I'd like to meet the guy who invented beer and see what he's working on now. 25776% 25777I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the 25778whole field to private industry. 25779 -- Joseph Heller 25780% 25781I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got 25782to undo it. 25783% 25784I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat. 25785% 25786I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I 25787snore. 25788% 25789I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in 25790"Y". 25791% 25792I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my 25793blender. 25794% 25795I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my 25796garage door. 25797% 25798I'd love to go out with you, but I'm converting my calendar watch from 25799Julian to Gregorian. 25800% 25801I'd love to go out with you, but I'm doing door-to-door collecting for 25802static cling. 25803% 25804I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered. 25805% 25806I'd love to go out with you, but I'm staying home to work on my 25807cottage cheese sculpture. 25808% 25809I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving. 25810% 25811I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night. 25812% 25813I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma 25814transplant. 25815% 25816I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV. 25817% 25818I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never 25819came back. 25820% 25821I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to stay 25822tuned. 25823% 25824I'd love to go out with you, but there are important world issues that 25825need worrying about. 25826% 25827I'd love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair. 25828 -- Bette Davis, "Cabin in the Cotton" 25829% 25830I'd never cry if I did find 25831 A blue whale in my soup... 25832Nor would I mind a porcupine 25833 Inside a chicken coop. 25834Yes life is fine when things combine, 25835 Like ham in beef chow mein... 25836But lord, this time I think I mind, 25837 They've put acid in my rain. 25838 -- Milo Bloom 25839% 25840I'd never join any club that would have the likes of me as a member. 25841 -- Groucho Marx 25842% 25843I'd probably settle for a vampire if he were romantic enough. 25844Couldn't be any worse than some of the relationships I've had. 25845 -- Brenda Starr 25846% 25847I'd rather be led to hell than managed to heaven. 25848% 25849I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy. 25850% 25851I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy. 25852 -- Fred Allen 25853 25854[Also attributed to S. Clay Wilson. Ed.] 25855% 25856I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42. 25857 -- W. C. Fields 25858% 25859I'd rather just believe that it's done by little elves running around. 25860% 25861I'd rather laugh with the sinners, 25862Than cry with the saints, 25863The sinners are much more fun! 25864 -- Billy Joel, "Only The Good Die Young" 25865% 25866I'd rather push my Harley than ride a rice burner. 25867% 25868Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like 25869solitary confinement. 25870% 25871Identify your visitor. 25872% 25873Idiot Box, n.: 25874 The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the 25875 stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves. 25876 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 25877% 25878Idiot, n.: 25879 A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human 25880 affairs has always been dominant and controlling. 25881 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 25882% 25883IDLENESS: 25884 Leisure gone to seed. 25885% 25886Idleness is the holiday of fools. 25887% 25888If 10 years from now, when you are doing something quick 25889and dirty, you suddenly visualize that I am looking over your 25890shoulders and say to yourself, "Dijkstra would not have liked this", 25891well that would be enough immortality for me. 25892 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 25893% 25894If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law. 25895 -- Roy Santoro 25896% 25897If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape 25898at about 30 miles/second. 25899 -- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming 25900% 25901If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far. 25902 -- Paul White 25903% 25904If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus 25905forecast is a camel's behind. 25906 -- Edgar R. Fiedler 25907% 25908If a can of Alpo costs 38 cents, would it cost $2.50 in Dog Dollars? 25909% 25910If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing their hair. If this doesn't 25911work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child. 25912% 25913If A equals success, then the formula is _A = _X + _Y + _Z. _X is work. _Y 25914is play. _Z is keep your mouth shut. 25915 -- Albert Einstein 25916% 25917If A fool persists in his folly he shall become wise. 25918 -- William Blake 25919% 25920If a group of N persons implements a COBOL compiler, 25921there will be N-1 passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager. 25922 -- T. Cheatham 25923% 25924If a guru falls in the forest with no one to hear him, was he 25925really a guru at all? 25926 -- Strange de Jim, "The Metasexuals" 25927% 25928If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four 25929hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where 25930it votes guilty. 25931 -- Joseph C. Goulden 25932% 25933IF A KID ASKS YOU where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him 25934is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing 25935to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did." 25936 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 25937% 25938If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake 25939him up. 25940% 25941If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism. 25942 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 25943% 25944If a man has talent and cannot use it, he has failed. 25945 -- Thomas Wolfe 25946% 25947If a man is not a liberal at 25, he has no heart. 25948If he's not a conservative by 45, he has no brain. 25949% 25950If a man loses his reverence for any part of life, 25951he will lose his reverence for all of life. 25952 -- Albert Schweitzer 25953% 25954If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the 25955separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, 25956it might well prolong his life. 25957 -- Charles Darling, "Scintillae Juris, 1877 25958% 25959If a nation expects to be ignorant and free, 25960... it expects what never was and never will be. 25961 -- Thomas Jefferson 25962% 25963If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom; 25964and the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money it values more, it 25965will lose that, too. 25966 -- W. Somerset Maugham 25967% 25968If a person (a) is poorly, (b) receives treatment intended to make him better, 25969and (c) gets better, then no power of reasoning known to medical science can 25970convince him that it may not have been the treatment that restored his health. 25971 -- Sir Peter Medawar, "The Art of the Soluble" 25972% 25973If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country. 25974% 25975If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have 25976dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to 25977maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it 25978must drop. The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf. 25979 -- Donald A. Metz 25980% 25981If a shameless woman expects to be defiled and then dies of her fierce 25982love because you do not consent, will chastity also be homicide? 25983 -- Saint Augustine 25984% 25985If a small child asks you where rain comes from, I think a reasonable response 25986is simply that "God is crying." And, if he asks you why God is crying, the 25987only possible answer is "Probably because of something you did." 25988% 25989If a system is administered wisely, 25990its users will be content. 25991They enjoy hacking their code 25992and don't waste time implementing 25993labor-saving shell scripts. 25994Since they dearly love their accounts, 25995they aren't interested in other machines. 25996There may be telnet, rlogin, and ftp, 25997but these don't access any hosts. 25998There may be an arsenal of cracks and malware, 25999but nobody ever uses them. 26000People enjoy reading their mail, 26001take pleasure in being with their newsgroups, 26002spend weekends working at their terminals, 26003delight in the doings at the site. 26004And even though the next system is so close 26005that users can hear its key clicks and biff beeps, 26006they are content to die of old age 26007without ever having gone to see it. 26008% 26009If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good attitude. 26010If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to playing the 26011game right. If it plays the game right, it will win -- unless, of 26012course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager can make 26013goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry? 26014 -- Sparky Anderson 26015% 26016If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly. 26017 -- G. K. Chesterton 26018% 26019If a thing's worth having, it's worth cheating for. 26020 -- W. C. Fields 26021% 26022If a train station is a place where a train stops, what's a workstation? 26023% 26024If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever 26025to get a "fix" of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude 26026that netnews is far more addictive than cocaine. 26027 -- Rob Stampfli 26028% 26029If all be true that I do think, 26030There be five reasons why one should drink; 26031Good friends, good wine, or being dry, 26032Or lest we should be by-and-by, 26033Or any other reason why. 26034% 26035If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error. 26036 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 26037% 26038If all else fails, lower your standards. 26039% 26040If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister? 26041% 26042If all the Chinese simultaneously jumped into the Pacific off a 10 foot 26043platform erected 10 feet off their coast, it would cause a tidal wave 26044that would destroy everything in this country west of Nebraska. 26045% 26046If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end -- I 26047wouldn't be a bit surprised. 26048 -- Dorothy Parker 26049% 26050If all the seas were ink, 26051And all the reeds were pens, 26052And all the skies were parchment, 26053And all the men could write, 26054These would not suffice 26055To write down all the red tape 26056Of this Government. 26057% 26058If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. 26059 -- Paul Beatty 26060% 26061If all the world's economists were laid end to end, we wouldn't reach a 26062conclusion. 26063 -- William Baumol 26064% 26065If an average person on the subway turns to you, like an ancient mariner, 26066and starts telling you her tale, you turn away or nod and hope she stops, 26067not just because you fear she might be crazy. If she tells her tale on 26068camera, you might listen. Watching strangers on television, even 26069responding to them from a studio audience, we're disengaged - voyeurs 26070collaborating with exhibitionists in rituals of sham community. Never 26071have so many known so much about people for whom they cared so little. 26072 -- Wendy Kaminer commenting on testimonial television 26073 in "I'm Dysfunctional, You're Dysfunctional". 26074% 26075If an S and an I and an O and a U 26076With an X at the end spell Su; 26077And an E and a Y and an E spell I, 26078Pray what is a speller to do? 26079Then, if also an S and an I and a G 26080And an HED spell side, 26081There's nothing much left for a speller to do 26082But to go commit siouxeyesighed. 26083 -- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament" 26084% 26085If any demonstrator ever lays down in front of my car, it'll be the last 26086car he ever lays down in front of. 26087 -- George Wallace 26088% 26089If any man wishes to be humbled and mortified, 26090let him become president of Harvard. 26091 -- Edward Holyoke 26092% 26093If anyone has seen my dog, please contact me at x2883 as soon as possible. 26094We're offering a substantial reward. He's a sable collie, with three legs, 26095blind in his left eye, is missing part of his right ear and the tip of his 26096tail. He's been recently fixed. Answers to "Lucky". 26097% 26098If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment. 26099% 26100If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 26101% 26102If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool. 26103% 26104If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success. 26105% 26106If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. 26107% 26108If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 26109% 26110If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. 26111 -- W. E. Hickson 26112% 26113If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. 26114Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. 26115 -- W. C. Fields 26116 26117[Also attributed to Roy Mengot. Ed.] 26118% 26119If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer. 26120% 26121If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average. 26122 -- Leonard Levinson 26123% 26124If at first you fricassee, fry, fry again. 26125% 26126If atheism is to be used to express the state of mind in which God is 26127identified with the unknowable, and theology is pronounced to be a 26128collection of meaningless words about unintelligible chimeras, then 26129I have no doubt, and I think few people doubt, that atheists are as 26130plentiful as blackberries. 26131 -- Leslie Stephen 26132% 26133If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four 26134tellers? 26135% 26136If Beethoven's Seventh Symphony is not by 26137some means abridged, it will soon fall into disuse. 26138 -- Philip Hale, Boston music critic, 1837 26139% 26140If built in great numbers, motels will be used for nothing 26141but illegal purposes. 26142 -- J. Edgar Hoover 26143% 26144If Carter is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question. 26145% 26146If Christianity was morality, Socrates would be the Saviour. 26147 -- William Blake 26148% 26149If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in James 26150Watt's office. 26151 -- Wayne Shannon 26152% 26153If coke is a joke, I'm waiting around for the next line. 26154% 26155If computers take over (which seems to be their natural tendency), it will 26156serve us right. 26157 -- Alistair Cooke 26158% 26159If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television? 26160% 26161If England treats her criminals the way she has treated me, she doesn't 26162deserve to have any. 26163 -- Oscar Wilde, reportedly while standing handcuffed in a 26164 driving rain, waiting for transport to prison upon his 26165 conviction for sodomy. 26166% 26167If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from? 26168% 26169If ever the pleasure of one has to be bought by the pain of the other, 26170there better be no trade. A trade by which one gains and the other loses 26171is a fraud. 26172 -- Dagny Taggart, "Atlas Shrugged" 26173% 26174If ever you want to touch the hand and the heart of God Almighty, you can 26175do it through the body of someone you love. Anytime. Anywhere. Without 26176no middleman. 26177 -- Theodore Sturgeon, "Godbody" 26178% 26179If every kid had a funny tooth to bite down on whenever the world disappointed 26180him, prussic acid could solve our population problems in one generation. 26181 -- G. C. Edmonson's Albert, "The Man Who Corrupted Earth" 26182% 26183If everybody minded their own business, the world would go 26184around a deal faster. 26185 -- The Duchess; Lewis Carroll, 26186 "Through the Looking-Glass, 26187 and What Alice Found There" (1871) 26188% 26189If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane. 26190% 26191If everything on the road of life seems to 26192be coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 26193% 26194If everything seems to be going well, 26195you have obviously overlooked something. 26196% 26197If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing. 26198 -- Bertrand Russell 26199% 26200If food be the music of love, eat up, eat up. 26201% 26202If for every rule there is an exception, then we have established that there 26203is an exception to every rule. If we accept "For every rule there is an 26204exception" as a rule, then we must concede that there may not be an exception 26205after all, since the rule states that there is always the possibility of 26206exception, and if we follow it to its logical end we must agree that there 26207can be an exception to the rule that for every rule there is an exception. 26208 -- Bill Boquist 26209% 26210If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him. 26211 -- Voltaire, "Epitres, XCVI" 26212% 26213If God didn't mean for us to juggle, tennis balls wouldn't come three 26214to a can. 26215% 26216If God had a beard, he'd be a UNIX programmer. 26217% 26218If God had intended Man to program, we'd be born with serial I/O ports. 26219% 26220If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire. 26221% 26222If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet. 26223% 26224If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit Ears. 26225% 26226If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their Heads. 26227% 26228If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with 26229green, baggy skin. 26230% 26231If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way. 26232% 26233If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to 26234invent it. 26235% 26236If God had really intended men to fly, 26237he'd make it easier to get to the airport. 26238 -- George Winters 26239% 26240If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would 26241have made them cute and furry. 26242 -- Dave Barry 26243% 26244If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had 26245only ten apostles. 26246% 26247If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger 26248hands. 26249% 26250If God hadn't wanted you to be paranoid, 26251He wouldn't have given you such a vivid imagination. 26252% 26253If God is dead, who will save the Queen? 26254% 26255If God is One, what is bad? 26256 -- Charles Manson 26257% 26258If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions? 26259% 26260If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows. 26261 -- Yiddish saying 26262% 26263If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs? 26264 -- Marvin Kitman 26265% 26266If God wanted us to have a President, 26267He would have sent us a candidate. 26268 -- Jerry Dreshfield 26269% 26270If graphics hackers are so smart, 26271why can't they get the bugs out of fresh paint? 26272% 26273If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry. 26274 -- Chinese proverb 26275% 26276If he had only learnt a little less, how 26277infinitely better he might have taught much more! 26278% 26279If he once again pushes up his sleeves in order to compute for 3 days 26280and 3 nights in a row, he will spend a quarter of an hour before to 26281think which principles of computation shall be most appropriate. 26282 -- Voltaire, "Diatribe du docteur Akakia" 26283% 26284If he should ever change his faith, 26285it'll be because he no longer thinks he's God. 26286% 26287If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell. 26288 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) 26289% 26290If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive! 26291 -- Samuel Goldwyn 26292% 26293If I could read your mind, love, 26294What a tale your thoughts could tell, 26295Just like a paperback novel, 26296The kind the drugstore sells, 26297When you reach the part where the heartaches come, 26298The hero would be me, 26299Heroes often fail, 26300You won't read that book again, because 26301 the ending is just too hard to take. 26302 26303I walk away, like a movie star, 26304Who gets burned in a three way script, 26305Enter number two, 26306A movie queen to play the scene 26307Of bringing all the good things out in me, 26308But for now, love, let's be real 26309I never thought I could act this way, 26310And I've got to say that I just don't get it, 26311I don't know where we went wrong but the feeling is gone 26312And I just can't get it back... 26313 -- Gordon Lightfoot, "If You Could Read My Mind" 26314% 26315If I could stick my pen in my heart, 26316I would spill it all over the stage. 26317Would it satisfy ya, would it slide on by ya, 26318Would you think the boy was strange? 26319Ain't he strange? 26320... 26321If I could stick a knife in my heart, 26322Suicide right on the stage, 26323Would it be enough for your teenage lust, 26324Would it help to ease the pain? 26325Ease your brain? 26326 -- Rolling Stones, "It's Only Rock'N Roll" 26327% 26328If I 'cp /bin/csh /dev/audio' shouldn't I hear the ocean? 26329 -- Danno Coppock 26330% 26331If I don't drive around the park, 26332I'm pretty sure to make my mark. 26333If I'm in bed each night by ten, 26334I may get back my looks again. 26335If I abstain from fun and such, 26336I'll probably amount to much; 26337But I shall stay the way I am, 26338Because I do not give a damn. 26339 -- Dorothy Parker 26340% 26341If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture. 26342% 26343If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it around. 26344Trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I don't say embrace trouble; that's 26345as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say meet it as a friend, for 26346you'll see a lot of it and you had better be on speaking terms with it. 26347 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. 26348% 26349If *I* had a hammer, there'd be no more folk singers. 26350% 26351IF I HAD A MINE SHAFT, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's 26352got to be a better way. 26353 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 26354% 26355If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell, I'd sell the 26356plantation and go home. 26357 -- Eugene P. Gallagher 26358% 26359If I had any humility I would be perfect. 26360 -- Ted Turner 26361% 26362If I had done everything I'm credited with, I'd be speaking to you from 26363a laboratory jar at Harvard. 26364 -- Frank Sinatra 26365 26366AS USUAL, YOUR INFORMATION STINKS. 26367 -- Frank Sinatra, telegram to "Time" magazine 26368% 26369If I had my life to live over, I'd try to make more mistakes next time. I 26370would relax, I would limber up, I would be sillier than I have been this 26371trip. I know of very few things I would take seriously. I would be crazier. 26372I would climb more mountains, swim more rivers and watch more sunsets. I'd 26373travel and see. I would have more actual troubles and fewer imaginary ones. 26374You see, I am one of those people who lives prophylactically and sensibly 26375and sanely, hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I have had my moments and, 26376if I had it to do over again, I'd have more of them. In fact, I'd try to 26377have nothing else. Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many 26378years ahead each day. I have been one of those people who never go anywhere 26379without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a gargle, a raincoat and a parachute. 26380If I had it to do over again, I would go places and do things and travel 26381lighter than I have. If I had my life to live over, I would start bare-footed 26382earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would play hooky 26383more. I probably wouldn't make such good grades, but I'd learn more. I would 26384ride on more merry-go-rounds. I'd pick more daisies. 26385% 26386If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith. 26387 -- Albert Einstein 26388% 26389If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner. 26390 -- Tallulah Bankhead 26391% 26392If I have not seen so far it is because I stood in giant's footsteps. 26393% 26394If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the 26395shoulders of giants. 26396 -- Isaac Newton 26397 26398In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side with 26399the giants on whose shoulders we stand. 26400 -- Gerald Holton 26401 26402If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on 26403my shoulders. 26404 -- Hal Abelson 26405 26406Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders. 26407 -- Gauss 26408 26409Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders while computer scientists 26410stand on each other's toes. 26411 -- Richard Hamming 26412 26413It has been said that physicists stand on one another's shoulders. If 26414this is the case, then programmers stand on one another's toes, and 26415software engineers dig each other's graves. 26416 -- Unknown 26417% 26418If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it. 26419 -- Bob Hope 26420% 26421If I knew what brand [of whiskey] he drinks, 26422I would send a barrel or so to my other generals. 26423 -- Abraham Lincoln, on General Grant 26424% 26425If I love you, what business is it of yours? 26426 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 26427% 26428If I promised you the moon and the stars, would you believe it? 26429 -- Alan Parsons Project 26430% 26431If I set here and stare at nothing long enough, people might think 26432I'm an engineer working on something. 26433 -- S. R. McElroy 26434% 26435If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? 26436% 26437If I traveled to the end of the rainbow 26438As Dame Fortune did intend, 26439Murphy would be there to tell me 26440The pot's at the other end. 26441 -- Bert Whitney 26442% 26443If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form. 26444% 26445If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could 26446work for with a great deal of enjoyment. 26447 -- Douglas Jerrold 26448% 26449If I were to walk on water, the press would say I'm only doing it 26450because I can't swim. 26451 -- Bob Stanfield 26452% 26453If I'd known computer science was going to be like this, 26454I'd never have given up being a rock 'n' roll star. 26455 -- G. Hirst 26456% 26457If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people? 26458% 26459If I'm over the hill, why is it I don't recall ever being on top? 26460 -- Jerry Muscha 26461% 26462If in any problem you find yourself doing an immense amount of work, the 26463answer can be obtained by simple inspection. 26464% 26465If in doubt, mumble. 26466% 26467If it ain't baroque, don't fix it. 26468% 26469If it ain't broke, don't fix it. 26470% 26471If it doesn't smell yet, it's pretty fresh. 26472 -- Dave Johnson, on dead seagulls 26473% 26474If it happens once, it's a bug. 26475If it happens twice, it's a feature. 26476If it happens more than twice, it's a design philosophy. 26477% 26478If it has syntax, it isn't user-friendly. 26479% 26480If it heals good, say it. 26481% 26482If it is a Miracle, any sort of evidence will 26483answer, but if it is a Fact, proof is necessary. 26484 -- Samuel Clemens 26485% 26486If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven. 26487% 26488If it smells it's chemistry, if it crawls it's biology, if it doesn't work 26489it's physics. 26490% 26491If it takes a bloodbath, lets get it over with. No more appeasement. 26492 -- Ronald Reagan 26493% 26494If it wasn't for Newton, we wouldn't have to eat bruised apples. 26495% 26496If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. 26497% 26498If it wasn't so warm out today, it would be cooler. 26499% 26500If it were not for the presents, an elopement would be preferable. 26501 -- George Ade, "Forty Modern Fables" 26502% 26503If it were thought that anything I wrote was influenced by Robert Frost, 26504I would take that particular work of mine, shred it, and flush it down 26505the toilet, hoping not to clog the pipes. A more sententious, holding- 26506forth old bore who expected every hero-worshiping adenoidal little twerp 26507of a student-poet to hang on to his every word I never saw. 26508 -- James Dickey 26509% 26510If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done. 26511% 26512If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist. 26513% 26514If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune. 26515% 26516If it's worth doing, do it for money. 26517% 26518If it's worth doing, it's worth doing for money. 26519% 26520If it's worth hacking on well, it's worth hacking on for money. 26521% 26522If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him. 26523They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun 26524of it. 26525 -- Thomas Carlyle 26526% 26527If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they forgot to 26528send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll just think the 26529other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. And if *fifty* pieces 26530of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, why 26531they'll think something *else* is broken! And if 1Gb of mail gets lost, 26532they'll just *know* that uunet is down and think it's a conspiracy to keep 26533them from their God given right to receive Net Mail ... 26534 -- Leith (Casey) Leedom, apologies to Arlo Guthrie 26535% 26536If Karl, instead of writing a lot about Capital, 26537had made a lot of Capital, it would have been much better. 26538 -- Karl Marx's Mother 26539% 26540If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. 26541% 26542If life is a stage, I want some better lighting. 26543% 26544If life is merely a joke, the question 26545still remains: for whose amusement? 26546% 26547If life isn't what you wanted, have you asked for anything else? 26548% 26549If little else, the brain is an educational toy. 26550 -- Tom Robbins 26551% 26552If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women 26553you've got in the house. 26554 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 26555% 26556If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question? 26557 -- Lily Tomlin 26558% 26559If Love Were Oil, I'd Be About A Quart Low 26560 -- Book title by Lewis Grizzard 26561% 26562If Machiavelli were a hacker, he'd have worked for the CSSG. 26563 -- Phil Lapsley 26564% 26565If Machiavelli were a programmer, he'd have worked for AT&T. 26566% 26567If man is only a little lower than the angels, the angels should reform. 26568 -- Mary Wilson Little 26569% 26570If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by 26571the page number. 26572% 26573If men acted after marriage as they do during courtship, there would 26574be fewer divorces -- and more bankruptcies. 26575 -- Frances Rodman 26576% 26577If men are not afraid to die, 26578it is of no avail to threaten them with death. 26579 26580If men live in constant fear of dying, 26581And if breaking the law means a man will be killed, 26582Who will dare to break the law? 26583 26584There is always an official executioner. 26585If you try to take his place, 26586It is like trying to be a master carpenter and cutting wood. 26587If you try to cut wood like a master carpenter, 26588 you will only hurt your hand. 26589 -- Tao Te Ching, "Lao Tsu, #74" 26590% 26591If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it. 26592% 26593If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would 26594be a merrier world. 26595 -- J. R. R. Tolkien 26596% 26597If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think 26598little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and 26599Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination. 26600 -- Thomas De Quincey (1785-1859) 26601% 26602If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and 26603over again, there is no use in reading it at all. 26604 -- Oscar Wilde 26605% 26606If one inquires why the American tradition is so strong against any connection 26607of State and Church, why it dreads even the rudiments of religious teaching 26608in state-maintained schools, the immediate and superficial answer is not 26609far to seek. ... The cause lay largely in the diversity and vitality of the 26610various denominations, each fairly sure that, with a fair field and no favor, 26611it could make its own way; and each animated by a jealous fear that, if any 26612connection of State and Church were permitted, some rival denomination would 26613get an unfair advantage. 26614 -- John Dewey, "Democracy in the Schools", 1908 26615% 26616If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants. 26617 -- Albert Einstein 26618% 26619If one tells the truth, one is sure, sooner or later, to be found out. 26620 -- Oscar Wilde, 26621 "Phrases and Philosophies for the Use of the Young" 26622% 26623If only Dionysus were alive! Where would he eat? 26624 -- Woody Allen 26625% 26626If only God would give me some clear sign! 26627Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. 26628 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 26629% 26630If only I could be respected without having to be respectable. 26631% 26632If only you had a personality instead of an attitude. 26633% 26634If only you knew she loved you, you could 26635face the uncertainty of whether you love her. 26636% 26637If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough. 26638% 26639If parents would only realize how they bore their children. 26640 -- George Bernard Shaw 26641% 26642If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, 26643he should see how bad it is with representation. 26644% 26645If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, 26646then we are a sorry lot indeed. 26647 -- Albert Einstein 26648% 26649If people concentrated on the really important things in life, 26650there'd be a shortage of fishing poles. 26651 -- Doug Larson 26652% 26653If people drank ink instead of Schlitz, they'd be better off. 26654 -- Edward E. Hippensteel 26655 26656[What brand of ink? Ed.] 26657% 26658If people have to choose between freedom and sandwiches, they 26659will take sandwiches. 26660 -- Lord Boyd-orr 26661 26662Eats first, morals after. 26663 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera" 26664% 26665If people say that here and there someone has been taken away and maltreated, 26666I can only reply: You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs. 26667 -- Hermann Goering 26668% 26669If people see that you mean them no harm, 26670they'll never hurt you, nine times out of ten! 26671% 26672If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice? 26673% 26674If preceded by a '-', the timezone shall be east of the Prime 26675Meridian; otherwise, it shall be west (which may be indicated by 26676an optional preceding '+'). 26677 -- POSIX 2001 26678 26679The "+" or "-" indicates whether the time-of-day is ahead of 26680(i.e., east of) or behind (i.e., west of) Universal Time. 26681 -- RFC 2822 26682% 26683If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters. 26684 -- Nora Ephron, "Heartburn" 26685% 26686If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress? 26687% 26688If puns were deli meat, this would be the wurst. 26689% 26690If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit? 26691% 26692If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers. 26693 -- Tom Wicker 26694% 26695If researchers wrote nursery rhymes... 26696 26697Little Miss Muffet sat on her gluteal region, 26698Eating components of soured milk. 26699On at least one occasion, 26700 along came an arachnid and sat down beside her, 26701Or at least in her vicinity, 26702And caused her to feel an overwhelming, but not paralyzing, fear, 26703Which motivated the patient to leave the area rather quickly. 26704 -- Ann Melugin Williams 26705% 26706If Ricky Schroder and Gary Coleman had a fight on television with 26707pool cues, who would win? 26708 1) Ricky Schroder 26709 2) Gary Coleman 26710 3) The television viewing public 26711 -- David Letterman 26712% 26713If sarcasm were posted on Usenet, would anybody notice? 26714 -- James Nicoll 26715% 26716If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of 26717arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the 26718physical world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker 26719entirely by the use of the mathematics of probability. 26720 -- Vannevar Bush 26721% 26722If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many 26723books on how to? 26724 -- Bette Midler 26725% 26726If she had not been cupric in her ions, 26727Her shape ovoidal, 26728Their romance might have flourished. 26729But he built tetrahedral in his shape, 26730His ions ferric, 26731Love could not help but die, 26732Uncatalyzed, inert, and undernourished. 26733% 26734If society fits you comfortably enough, you call it freedom. 26735 -- Robert Frost 26736% 26737If some people didn't tell you, 26738you'd never know they'd been away on vacation. 26739% 26740If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied 26741harder. 26742 -- Pope John Paul I 26743% 26744If someone says he will do something "without fail", he won't. 26745% 26746If something has not yet gone wrong then it would 26747ultimately have been beneficial for it to go wrong. 26748% 26749If swimming is so good for your figure, how come whales look the 26750way they do? 26751% 26752If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem. 26753 -- C. Durance, Computer Science 234 26754% 26755If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would 26756presumably flunk it. 26757 -- Stanley Garn 26758% 26759If the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream 26760and never be our destiny. 26761 -- Rene de Visme Williamson 26762% 26763If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a 26764Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, 26765and explode once a year killing everyone inside. 26766 -- Robert Cringely, InfoWorld 26767% 26768If the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust, 26769this would be a better world. 26770 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days" 26771% 26772If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong. 26773 -- Norm Schryer 26774% 26775If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to 26776get the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. 26777See in college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving 26778the natural method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting 26779that you shall learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The 26780college, which should be a place of delightful labor, is made odious 26781and unhealthy, and the young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to 26782rally their jaded spirits. I would have the studies elective. 26783Scholarship is to be created not by compulsion, but by awakening a pure 26784interest in knowledge. The wise instructor accomplishes this by 26785opening to his pupils precisely the attractions the study has for 26786himself. The marking is a system for schools, not for the college; for 26787boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to put on a professor. 26788 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 26789% 26790If the designers of X-window built cars, there would be no fewer than five 26791steering wheels hidden about the cockpit, none of which followed the same 26792principles -- but you'd be able to shift gears with your car stereo. Useful 26793feature, that. 26794 -- From the programming notebooks of a heretic, 1990 26795% 26796If the ends don't justify the means, then what does? 26797 -- Robert Moses 26798% 26799If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical 26800would have something to do with a shortage of flowers. 26801 -- Doug Larson 26802 26803[Not to mention, butterfly would be flutterby. Ed.] 26804% 26805If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts. 26806 -- Albert Einstein 26807% 26808If the future isn't what it used to be, does that 26809mean that the past is subject to change in times to come? 26810% 26811If the girl you love moves in with another guy once, it's more than enough. 26812Twice, it's much too much. Three times, it's the story of your life. 26813% 26814If the government doesn't trust the people, why 26815doesn't it dissolve them and elect a new people? 26816% 26817If the grass is greener on other side of fence, 26818consider what may be fertilizing it. 26819% 26820If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, 26821we would be so simple we couldn't. 26822% 26823If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me! 26824 -- "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920) 26825% 26826If the Lord God Almighty had consulted me before embarking upon the Creation, 26827I would have recommended something simpler. 26828 -- Alfonso the Wise, 13th Century King of Castile, 26829 Commenting on the Almagest, by Ptolemy. 26830% 26831If the master dies and the disciple grieves, 26832the lives of both have been wasted. 26833% 26834If the meanings of "true" and "false" were switched, 26835then this sentence would not be false. 26836% 26837If the Nazi's had television with satellite technology, we'd all be 26838goose-stepping. Americans are just as suggestible. 26839 -- Frank Zappa 26840% 26841If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances 26842are 50-50 it will. 26843% 26844If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads. 26845 -- Anatole France 26846% 26847If the rich could pay the poor to die for them, 26848what a living the poor could make! 26849% 26850If the shoe fits, it's ugly. 26851% 26852If the standard says that [things] depend on the phase of the moon, 26853the programmer should be prepared to look out the window as necessary. 26854 -- Chris Torek 26855% 26856If the thunder don't get you, then the lightning will. 26857% 26858If the vendors started doing everything right, we would be out of a job. 26859Let's hear it for OSI and X! With those babies in the wings, we can count 26860on being employed until we drop, or get smart and switch to gardening, 26861paper folding, or something. 26862 -- C. Philip Wood 26863% 26864If the very old will remember, the very young will listen. 26865 -- Chief Dan George 26866% 26867If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down. 26868If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down. 26869If the bulletin covers are in short supply, however, 26870church attendance will exceed all expectations. 26871 -- Reverend Chichester 26872% 26873If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams. 26874% 26875If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that 26876will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. 26877% 26878If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing 26879of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur 26880of this life. 26881 -- Albert Camus 26882% 26883If there is a wrong way to do something, then someone will do it. 26884 -- Edward A. Murphy, Jr. 26885% 26886If there is any realistic deterrent to marriage, it's the fact that you 26887can't afford divorce. 26888 -- Jack Nicholson 26889% 26890If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? 26891 -- Art Hoppe 26892% 26893If there is no wind, row. 26894 -- Polish proverb 26895% 26896If there really was a Jewish conspiracy to run the world, my rabbi would 26897have let me in on it by now. I contribute enough to the shule. 26898 -- Saul Goodman 26899% 26900If there was any justice in the world, "trust" would be a four-letter word. 26901% 26902If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three 26903years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law 26904school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers. 26905 -- Michael Levin, "The Socratic Method 26906% 26907If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make 26908something out of you. 26909 -- Muhammad Ali 26910% 26911If they sent one man to the moon, why can't they send them all? 26912% 26913If they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical, 26914go crude. I'm a very technical boy. So I get as crude as possible. These 26915days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even aspire 26916to crudeness... 26917 -- Johnny Mnemonic 26918% 26919If they were so inclined, they could impeach 26920him because they don't like his necktie. 26921 -- Attorney General William Saxbe 26922% 26923If things don't improve soon, you'd better ask them to stop helping you. 26924% 26925If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it. 26926% 26927If this is timesharing, give me my share right now. 26928It's not time yet. 26929% 26930If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same? 26931% 26932If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was 26933yesterday? 26934% 26935If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library? 26936 -- Lily Tomlin 26937% 26938If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is 26939doing the thinking. 26940 -- Lyndon B. Johnson 26941% 26942Jerry Ford is a nice guy, but he played too much football with his 26943helmet off. 26944 -- Lyndon B. Johnson 26945% 26946I do not believe that this generation of Americans is willing to resign 26947itself to going to bed each night by the light of a Communist moon. 26948 -- Lyndon B. Johnson 26949% 26950If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it. 26951 -- Ernest Hemingway 26952% 26953If value corrupts then absolute value corrupts absolutely. 26954% 26955If voting could change the system, it would be illegal. 26956If not voting could change the system, it would be illegal. 26957% 26958If we all work together, we can totally disrupt the system. 26959% 26960If we can ever make red tape nutritional, we can feed the world. 26961 -- R. Schaeberle, "Management Accounting" 26962% 26963If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we would 26964all be millionaires. 26965 -- Abigail Van Buren 26966% 26967If we do not change our direction we are 26968likely to end up where we are headed. 26969% 26970If we don't survive, we don't do anything else. 26971 -- John Sinclair 26972% 26973If we men married the women we deserved, we should have a very bad time 26974of it. 26975 -- Oscar Wilde 26976% 26977If we relied conclusively on scientific data for every one of our 26978findings, I'm afraid all of our work would be inconclusive. 26979 -- Henry Hudson, of the Meese Pornography Commission, on 26980 criticism of its conclusion that pornography causes sex 26981 crimes. 26982% 26983If we see the light at the end of the tunnel 26984It's the light of an oncoming train. 26985 -- Robert Lowell 26986% 26987If we spoke a different language, we 26988would perceive a somewhat different world. 26989 -- Wittgenstein 26990% 26991If we suffer tamely a lawless attack upon our liberty, 26992we encourage it, and involve others in our doom. 26993 -- Samuel Adams 26994% 26995If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage. 26996% 26997If we were meant to get up early, God would have created us 26998with alarm clocks. 26999% 27000If we won't stand together, we don't stand a chance. 27001% 27002If what they've been doing hasn't solved the problem, tell them to 27003do something else. 27004 -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting" 27005% 27006If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel 27007in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary 27008qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted. 27009 -- Marguerite Emmons 27010% 27011If wishes were horses, then beggars would be thieves. 27012% 27013If women are supposed to be less rational and more emotional at the 27014beginning of our menstrual cycle, when the female hormone is at its 27015lowest level, then why isn't it logical to say that in those few days 27016women behave the most like the way men behave all month long? 27017 -- Gloria Steinem 27018% 27019If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning. 27020 -- Aristotle Onassis 27021% 27022If you already know what recursion is, just remember the answer. 27023Otherwise, find someone who is standing closer to Douglas Hofstadter 27024than you are; then ask him or her what recursion is. 27025 -- Andrew Plotkin 27026% 27027If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it. 27028Quit work and play for once! 27029% 27030If you analyse anything, you destroy it. 27031 -- Arthur Miller 27032% 27033If you are a fatalist, what can you do about it? 27034 -- Ann Edwards-Duff 27035% 27036If you are a police dog, where's your badge? 27037 -- Question James Thurber used to drive his German Shepherd 27038 crazy. 27039% 27040If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry. 27041 -- Anton Chekov 27042% 27043If you are going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance. 27044% 27045If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are real 27046good, you will get out of it. 27047% 27048If you are honest because honesty is the best policy, 27049your honesty is corrupt. 27050% 27051If you are looking for a kindly, well-to-do older gentleman who is no 27052longer interested in sex, take out an ad in The Wall Street Journal. 27053 -- Abigail Van Buren 27054% 27055If you are not for yourself, who will be for you? 27056If you are for yourself, then what are you? 27057If not now, when? 27058% 27059If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient 27060evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than 27061words. 27062 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" 27063% 27064If you are over 80 years old and accompanied 27065by your parents, we will cash your check. 27066% 27067If you are shooting under 80 you are neglecting your business; 27068over 80 you are neglecting your golf. 27069 -- Walter Hagen 27070% 27071If you are smart enough to know that you're not 27072smart enough to be an Engineer, then you're in Business. 27073% 27074If you are too busy to read, then you are too busy. 27075% 27076If you are what you eat, does that mean Euelle Gibbons really was a nut? 27077% 27078If you aren't rich you should always look useful. 27079 -- Louis-Ferdinand Celine 27080% 27081If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars. 27082 -- J. Paul Getty 27083% 27084If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse. 27085% 27086If you can not say it, you can not whistle it, either. 27087 -- Wittgenstein 27088% 27089If you can read this, you're too close. 27090% 27091If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything. 27092% 27093If you cannot convince them, confuse them. 27094 -- Harry S. Truman 27095% 27096If you cannot in the long run tell everyone 27097what you have been doing, your doing was worthless. 27098 -- Edwin Schrodinger 27099% 27100If you can't be good, be careful. 27101If you can't be careful, give me a call. 27102% 27103If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights. 27104% 27105If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly. 27106% 27107If you can't read this, blame a teacher. 27108% 27109If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me. 27110 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth 27111% 27112If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious. 27113% 27114If you catch a man, throw him back. 27115 -- Woman's Liberation Slogan, c. 1975 27116% 27117If you continually give you will continually have. 27118% 27119If you could only get that wonderful feeling of 27120accomplishment without having to accomplish anything. 27121% 27122If you didn't get caught, did you really do it? 27123% 27124If you didn't have most of your friends, 27125you wouldn't have most of your problems. 27126% 27127If you didn't have to work so hard, 27128you'd have more time to be depressed. 27129% 27130If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one. 27131 -- John Galsworthy 27132% 27133If you do not wish a man to do a thing, you had better get him to talk about 27134it; for the more men talk, the more likely they are to do nothing else. 27135 -- Carlyle 27136% 27137If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again. 27138% 27139If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost. 27140% 27141If you don't count some of Jehovah's injunctions, there are no humorists 27142in the Bible. 27143 -- Mordecai Richler 27144% 27145If you don't do it, you'll never know what 27146would have happened if you had done it. 27147% 27148If you don't do the things that are not worth doing, who will? 27149% 27150If you don't drink it, someone else will. 27151% 27152If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours. 27153 -- Clarence Day 27154% 27155If you don't have a nasty obituary you probably didn't matter. 27156 -- Freeman Dyson 27157% 27158If you don't have the time right now, 27159will you have redo right time later? 27160% 27161If you don't have time to do it right, where 27162are you going to find the time to do it over? 27163% 27164If you don't know what game you're playing, don't ask what the score is. 27165% 27166If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk! 27167% 27168If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it. 27169 -- Calvin Coolidge 27170% 27171If you don't strike oil in twenty minutes, stop boring. 27172 -- Andrew Carnegie, on public speaking 27173% 27174If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: 27175Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet. 27176 -- Jay Leno 27177% 27178If you drink, don't park. Accidents make people. 27179% 27180If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to 27181either of you for the rest of the day. 27182% 27183If you ever want to get anywhere in politics, my boy, you're going to 27184have to get a toehold in the public eye. 27185% 27186If you ever want to have a lot of fun, I recommend that you go off and program 27187an embedded system. The salient characteristic of an embedded system is that 27188it cannot be allowed to get into a state from which only direct intervention 27189will suffice to remove it. An embedded system can't permanently trust anything 27190it hears from the outside world. It must sniff around, adapt, consider, sniff 27191around, and adapt again. I'm not talking about ordinary modular programming 27192carefulness here. No. Programming an embedded system calls for undiluted 27193raging maniacal paranoia. For example, our ethernet front ends need to know 27194what network number they are on so that they can address and route PUPs 27195properly. How do you find out what your network number is? Easy, you ask a 27196gateway. Gateways are required by definition to know their correct network 27197numbers. Once you've got your network number, you start using it and before 27198you can blink you've got it wired into fifteen different sockets spread all 27199over creation. Now what happens when the panic-stricken operator realizes he 27200was running the wrong version of the gateway which was giving out the wrong 27201network number? Never supposed to happen. Tough. Supposing that your 27202software discovers that the gateway is now giving out a different network 27203number than before, what's it supposed to do about it? This is not discussed 27204in the protocol document. Never supposed to happen. Tough. I think you 27205get my drift. 27206% 27207If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody 27208will. 27209% 27210If you explain something so clearly that no 27211one can possibly misunderstand, someone will. 27212% 27213If you fail to plan, plan to fail. 27214% 27215If you find a solution and become attached to it, 27216the solution may become your next problem. 27217% 27218If you flaunt it, expect to have it trashed. 27219% 27220If you float on instinct alone, how can you 27221calculate the buoyancy for the computed load? 27222 -- Christopher Hodder-Williams 27223% 27224If you fool around with something long 27225enough, it will eventually break. 27226% 27227If you give a man enough rope, he'll claim he's tied up at the office. 27228% 27229If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it 27230will always do it. 27231 -- Les Aspin, D., Wisconsin 27232% 27233If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is 27234make the rubble bounce. 27235 -- Winston Churchill 27236% 27237If you go out of your mind, do it quietly, 27238so as not to disturb those around you. 27239% 27240If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are 27241all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were 27242swimming. 27243 -- Jack Handey 27244% 27245If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous. 27246% 27247If you had better tools, you could more 27248effectively demonstrate your total incompetence. 27249% 27250If you had just one moment to live 27251And they granted you one special wish 27252Would you ask for something 27253Like another chance. 27254 -- Traffic, "The Low Spark of Hi Heeled Boys" 27255% 27256If you hands are clean and your cause is just 27257and your demands are reasonable, at least it's a start. 27258% 27259If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some. 27260% 27261If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent. 27262 -- Bette Davis 27263% 27264If you have nothing to do, don't do it here. 27265% 27266If you have received a letter inviting you to speak at the dedication of a 27267new cat hospital, and you hate cats, your reply, declining the invitation, 27268does not necessarily have to cover the full range of your emotions. You must 27269make it clear that you will not attend, but you do not have to let fly at cats. 27270The writer of the letter asked a civil question; attack cats, then, only if 27271you can do so with good humor, good taste, and in such a way that your answer 27272will be courteous as well as responsive. Since you are out of sympathy with 27273cats, you may quite properly give this as a reason for not appearing at the 27274dedication ceremonies of a cat hospital. But bear in mind that your opinion 27275of cats was not sought, only your services as a speaker. Try to keep things 27276straight. 27277 -- Strunk and White, "The Elements of Style" 27278% 27279If you have seen one city slum you have seen them all. 27280 -- Spiro Agnew 27281% 27282If you have to ask how much it is, you can't afford it. 27283% 27284If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know. 27285 -- Louis Armstrong 27286% 27287If you have to hate, hate gently. 27288% 27289If you have to think twice about it, you're wrong. 27290% 27291If you haven't enjoyed the material in the last few lectures then a career 27292in chartered accountancy beckons. 27293 -- Advice from the lecturer in the middle of the Stochastic 27294 Systems course. 27295% 27296If you hype something and it succeeds, you're a genius -- it wasn't a 27297hype. If you hype it and it fails, then it was just a hype. 27298 -- Neil Bogart 27299% 27300If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to 27301boot yourself in the posterior. 27302 -- A. J. Liebling, "The Press" 27303% 27304If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away. 27305% 27306If you keep your mind sufficiently open, people will throw a lot of 27307rubbish into it. 27308 -- William Orton 27309% 27310If you knew what to say next, would you say it? 27311% 27312If you know the answer to a question, don't ask. 27313 -- Petersen Nesbit 27314% 27315If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end. 27316 -- Mark Twain 27317% 27318If you laid all the Elvis impersonators in the world, end to end... 27319you'd wanna run and get a steam roller, real fast. 27320 -- David Letterman 27321% 27322If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you'll learn 27323365 useless things. 27324% 27325If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was 27326probably worth it. 27327% 27328If you liked the Earth you'll love Heaven. 27329% 27330If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee. 27331 -- Graham Summer 27332% 27333If you live long enough, you'll see that every victory turns into a defeat. 27334 -- Simone De Beauvoir 27335% 27336If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few 27337people die past the age of a hundred. 27338 -- George Burns 27339% 27340If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets 27341and fire them all off, wouldn't you? 27342 -- Garrison Keillor 27343% 27344If you look good and dress well, you don't need a purpose in life. 27345 -- Robert Pante, fashion consultant 27346% 27347If you look like your driver's license photo -- see a doctor. 27348If you look like your passport photo -- it's too late for a doctor. 27349% 27350If you lose a son you can always get another, 27351but there's only one Maltese Falcon. 27352 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon" 27353% 27354If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist, he'll get rich, 27355or famous or both. 27356% 27357If you love someone, set them free. 27358If they don't come back, then call them up when you're drunk. 27359% 27360If you love something set it free. If it doesn't 27361come back to you, hunt it down and kill it. 27362% 27363If you make a mistake you right it 27364immediately to the best of your ability. 27365% 27366If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year 27367with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep. 27368 -- The Best of Will Rogers 27369% 27370If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; 27371but if you really make them think they'll hate you. 27372% 27373If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll 27374be married to a man who cheats on his wife. 27375 -- Ann Landers 27376% 27377If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break. 27378 -- Schmidt 27379% 27380If you MUST get married, it is always advisable to marry beauty. 27381Otherwise, you'll never find anybody to take her off your hands. 27382% 27383If you need anything just whistle. 27384You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve? 27385Just put your lips together and blow. 27386 -- Lauren Bacall, "To Have and Have Not" 27387% 27388If you notice that a person is deceiving you, 27389they must not be deceiving you very well. 27390% 27391If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail. 27392 -- Maslow 27393% 27394If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure 27395can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly 27396develop. 27397% 27398If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite 27399you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. 27400 -- Mark Twain 27401% 27402If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine, 27403you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get 27404ice, but no cup. 27405% 27406If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But 27407this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is 27408somehow ennobled and none dare criticize it. 27409% 27410If you put it off long enough, it might go away. 27411% 27412If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery. 27413But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, 27414is somehow ennobled and no-one dare criticise it. 27415 -- Pierre Gallois 27416% 27417If you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds of a 27418restaurant. 27419 -- Snoopy 27420% 27421If you really want to do something new, the good won't help you with it. 27422Let me have men about me that are arrant knaves. The wicked, who have 27423something on their conscience, are obliging, quick to hear threats, because 27424they know how it's done, and for booty. You can offer them things because 27425they will take them. Because they have no hesitations. You can hang them 27426if they get out of step. Let me have men about me that are utter villains 27427-- provided that I have the power, the absolute power, over life and death. 27428 -- Hermann Goering 27429% 27430If you refuse to accept anything but the best you very often get it. 27431% 27432If you remember the 60's, you weren't there. 27433% 27434If you resist reading what you disagree with, how will you ever acquire 27435deeper insights into what you believe? The things most worth reading 27436are precisely those that challenge our convictions. 27437% 27438If you see an onion ring -- answer it! 27439% 27440If you sell diamonds, you cannot expect to have many customers. 27441But a diamond is a diamond even if there are no customers. 27442 -- Swami Prabhupada 27443% 27444If you sit down at a poker game and don't see a sucker, get up. You're 27445the sucker. 27446% 27447If you sow your wild oats, hope for a crop failure. 27448% 27449If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair. 27450% 27451If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from 27452many it's research. 27453 -- Wilson Mizner 27454% 27455If you stew apples like cranberries, 27456they taste more like prunes than rhubarb does. 27457 -- Groucho Marx 27458% 27459If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker, 27460It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock. 27461 Or some joker who is slicker, 27462 Will trick you of your liquor, 27463If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock. 27464% 27465If you stick your head in the sand, 27466one thing is for sure, you're gonna get your rear kicked. 27467% 27468If you suspect a man, don't employ him. 27469% 27470If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have 27471schizophrenia. 27472 -- Thomas Szasz 27473% 27474If you teach your children to like computers and to know how to gamble 27475then they'll always be interested in something and won't come to no real 27476harm. 27477% 27478If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. 27479 -- Mark Twain 27480% 27481If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first. 27482% 27483If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. 27484 -- Derek Bok, president of Harvard 27485% 27486If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens 27487tomorrow! 27488% 27489If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car 27490payments. 27491 -- Earl Wilson 27492% 27493If you think technology can solve your security problems, then you 27494don't understand the problems and you don't understand the technology. 27495 -- Bruce Schneier 27496% 27497If you think the pen is mightier than the sword, the next time 27498someone pulls out a sword I'd like to see you get up there with 27499your Bic. 27500% 27501If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it. 27502 -- Arthur Kasspe 27503% 27504If you think the system is working, 27505ask someone who's waiting for a prompt. 27506% 27507If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest 27508shopping center in the world? 27509 -- Richard M. Nixon 27510% 27511If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you 27512lack sufficient imagination. 27513% 27514If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would 27515be to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call 27516you to say they had a nice time. Now you'll be be expected to throw 27517another party next year. 27518 27519What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake up 27520several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've 27521been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to 27522avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning 27523parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from 27524having another one ... 27525 27526If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door, unless 27527your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas 27528through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure 27529that they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting 27530someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you ... 27531 -- Dave Barry 27532% 27533If you took all of the grains of sand in the world, and lined 27534them up end to end in a row, you'd be working for the government! 27535 -- Mr. Interesting 27536% 27537If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them 27538end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable. 27539 -- "Graffiti in the Big Ten" 27540% 27541If you took all the women at the Harvard Prom 27542and laid them end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised. 27543 -- Dorothy Parker 27544% 27545If you treat people right they will treat you right -- 90% of the time. 27546 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt 27547% 27548If you try to please everyone, somebody is not going to like it. 27549% 27550If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything. 27551 -- Abraham Lincoln 27552% 27553If you wait long enough, it will go away... after having 27554done its damage. If it was bad, it will be back. 27555% 27556If you want divine justice, die. 27557 -- Nick Seldon 27558% 27559If you want me to be a good little bunny 27560just dangle some carats in front of my nose. 27561 -- Lauren Bacall 27562% 27563If you want to be ruined, marry a rich woman. 27564 -- Michelet 27565% 27566If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that's 27567read by persons who move their lips when they're reading to themselves. 27568 -- Don Marquis 27569% 27570If you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law. 27571% 27572If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people 27573he gave it to. 27574 -- Dorothy Parker 27575% 27576If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. 27577 -- Woody Allen 27578% 27579If you want to put yourself on the map, publish your own map. 27580% 27581If you want to read about love and marriage you've got to buy two separate 27582books. 27583 -- Alan King 27584% 27585If you want to see card tricks, you have to expect to take cards. 27586 -- Harry Blackstone 27587% 27588If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the 27589Constitution. It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's 27590statecraft. Instead, read selected portions of the Washington 27591telephone directory containing listings for all the organizations with 27592titles beginning with the word "National". 27593 -- George Will 27594% 27595If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every 27596word you say, talk in your sleep. 27597% 27598If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some 27599memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' it, 27600even if they don't know what it means. 27601 -- Walt Kelly, "The Pogo Party" 27602% 27603If you waste your time cooking, you'll miss the next meal. 27604% 27605If you will practice being fictional for a while, you will understand that 27606fictional characters are sometimes more real than people with bodies and 27607heartbeats. 27608% 27609If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk. 27610If you wish to be happy for three days, get married. 27611If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it. 27612If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish. 27613 -- Chinese proverb 27614% 27615If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings -- including this one. 27616% 27617If you wish to succeed, consult three old people. 27618% 27619If you wish women to love you, be original; I know a man who wore fur 27620boots summer and winter, and women fell in love with him. 27621 -- Anton Chekov 27622% 27623If you work for a man, in heaven's name, work for him. 27624If he pays you wages which supply you bread and butter, work for him; speak 27625 well of him; stand by him, and by the institution he represents. 27626If put to a pinch, an ounce of loyalty is worth a pound of cleverness. 27627If you must vilify, condemn and eternally find disparage -- resign your 27628 position, and when you are outside, damn to your heart's content... 27629 but, as long as you are part of the institution do not condemn it. 27630If you do that, you are loosening the tendrils that are holding you to the 27631 institution, and at the first high wind that comes along, you will 27632 be uprooted and blown away, and probably will never know the reason 27633 why. 27634% 27635If you would keep a secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend. 27636% 27637If you would know the value of money, go try to borrow some. 27638 -- Benjamin Franklin 27639% 27640If you would understand your own age, read the works 27641of fiction produced in it. People in disguise speak freely. 27642% 27643If you'd like to cultivate insomnia, 27644Bed down with a pretty girl. 27645Amor vincit omnia. 27646% 27647If your aim in life is nothing; you can't miss. 27648% 27649If your bread is stale, make toast. 27650% 27651If your enemy is buried in quicksand up to his neck, pull him out. 27652If he is buried up to his eyes, step on his head. 27653 -- Niccolo Machiavelli, "The Prince" 27654% 27655If your happiness depends on what somebody else does, 27656I guess you do have a problem. 27657 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions" 27658% 27659If your life was a horse, you'd have to shoot it. 27660% 27661If your mind grows weak, 27662Don't yield to the weakness. 27663Even if tired of thought, 27664Never stop thinking. 27665My sons and descendants, 27666Don't get exhausted in reason-- 27667But become experienced. 27668 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan 27669% 27670If your mother knew what you're doing, 27671she'd probably hang her head and cry. 27672% 27673If your parents don't have kids, neither will you. 27674% 27675If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no 27676longer be fantasies. 27677 -- Fran Lebowitz 27678% 27679If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real 27680embarrassing if someone tries to kill you. 27681 -- Jack Handey 27682% 27683If you're careful enough, nothing 27684bad or good will ever happen to you. 27685% 27686If you're carrying a torch, put it down. 27687The Olympics are over. 27688% 27689If you're constantly being mistreated, 27690you're cooperating with the treatment. 27691% 27692If you're crossing the nation in a covered wagon, it's better to have four 27693strong oxen than 100 chickens. Chickens are OK but we can't make them work 27694together yet. 27695 -- Ross Bott, Pyramid U.S., on multiprocessors at AUUGM '89 27696% 27697If you're going to America, bring your own food. 27698 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 27699% 27700If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for 27701tomorrow morning, sleep late. 27702 -- Henny Youngman 27703% 27704If you're going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance. 27705% 27706If you're happy, you're successful. 27707% 27708If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. 27709% 27710If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory. 27711 -- Benjamin Disraeli 27712% 27713If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%? 27714% 27715If you're worried by earthquakes and nuclear war, 27716As well as by traffic and crime, 27717Consider how worry-free gophers are, 27718Though living on burrowed time. 27719 -- Richard Armour, WSJ, 11/7/83 27720% 27721If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round it 27722off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the universe. 27723 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe" 27724% 27725If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all. 27726 -- Ronald Reagan 27727% 27728Ignisecond, n.: 27729 The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car 27730 door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!" 27731 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 27732% 27733Ignorance is bliss. 27734 -- Thomas Gray 27735 27736Fortune updates the great quotes, #42: 27737 BLISS is ignorance. 27738% 27739Ignorance is never out of style. It was in fashion yesterday, it is the 27740rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow. 27741 -- Franklin K. Dane 27742% 27743Ignorance is when you don't know anything and somebody finds it out. 27744% 27745Ignorance must certainly be bliss or there wouldn't be so many people 27746so resolutely pursuing it. 27747% 27748Ignore previous fortune. 27749% 27750Il brilgue: les t^oves libricilleux 27751 Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave, 27752Enm^im'es sont les gougebosquex, 27753 Et le m^omerade horgrave. 27754 -- Lewis Carroll, 27755 "Through the Looking-Glass, 27756 and What Alice Found There" (1871) 27757% 27758Iles's Law: 27759 There is always an easier way to do it. When looking directly 27760at the easy way, especially for long periods, you will not see it. 27761Neither will Iles. 27762% 27763I'll be comfortable on the couch. Famous last words. 27764 -- Lenny Bruce 27765% 27766I'll be Grateful when they're Dead. 27767% 27768I'll burn my books. 27769 -- Christopher Marlowe 27770% 27771I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, 27772carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia, 27773I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun. 27774 -- Hawkeye, M*A*S*H 27775% 27776I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd 27777listen to it! 27778 -- Tom Galloway with apologies to Voltaire 27779% 27780I'll give you my opinion of the human race in a nutshell ... their heart's 27781in the right place, but their head is a thoroughly inefficient organ. 27782 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Summing Up" 27783% 27784I'll grant thee random access to my heart, 27785Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love; 27786And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove 27787And in our bound partition never part. 27788 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 27789% 27790I'll learn to play the Saxophone, 27791I play just what I feel. 27792Drink Scotch whisky all night long, 27793And die behind the wheel. 27794They got a name for the winners in the world, 27795I want a name when I lose. 27796They call Alabama the Crimson Tide, 27797Call me Deacon Blues. 27798 -- Becker and Fagan, "Deacon Blues" 27799% 27800I'll meet you... on the dark side of the moon... 27801 -- Pink Floyd 27802% 27803I'll never get off this planet. 27804 -- Luke Skywalker 27805% 27806I'll pretend to trust you if you'll pretend to trust me. 27807% 27808I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob. 27809That will *prove* I'm Robin Hood. 27810 -- Daffy Duck, "Robin Hood Daffy", [1958, Chuck Jones] 27811% 27812I'll turn over a new leaf. 27813 -- Miguel de Cervantes 27814% 27815Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask 27816any Indian. 27817 -- Robert Orben 27818 27819Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery. 27820 -- Jack Paar 27821% 27822Illegitimi non carborundum 27823(translation: no carbonated drinks allowed.) 27824% 27825Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot: 27826it's more like the land He's trying to ignore. 27827% 27828Illiterate? Write today, for free help! 27829% 27830Illusion is the first of all pleasures. 27831 -- Voltaire 27832% 27833I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from man. 27834% 27835"I'm a doctor, not a mechanic." 27836 -- "The Doomsday Machine", when asked if he had heard of 27837 the idea of a doomsday machine. 27838"I'm a doctor, not an escalator." 27839 -- "Friday's Child", when asked to help the very pregnant 27840 Ellen up a steep incline. 27841"I'm a doctor, not a bricklayer." 27842 -- "Devil in the Dark", when asked to patch up the Horta. 27843"I'm a doctor, not an engineer." 27844 -- "Mirror, Mirror", when asked by Scotty for help in 27845 Engineering aboard the USS Enterprise. 27846"I'm a doctor, not a coal miner." 27847 -- "The Empath", on being beneath the surface of Minara 2. 27848"I'm a surgeon, not a psychiatrist." 27849 -- "City on the Edge of Forever", on Edith Keeler's remark 27850 that Kirk talked strangely. 27851"I'm no magician, Spock, just an old country doctor." 27852 -- "The Deadly Years", to Spock while trying to cure the 27853 aging effects of the rogue comet near Gamma Hydra 4. 27854"What am I, a doctor or a moon shuttle conductor?" 27855 -- "The Corbomite Maneuver", when Kirk rushed off from a 27856 physical exam to answer the alert. 27857% 27858I'm a Hollywood writer; so I put on 27859a sports jacket and take off my brain. 27860% 27861I'm a Lisp variable -- bind me! 27862% 27863I'm a lucky guy, and I'm happy to be with the Yankees. And I want to 27864thank everyone for making this night necessary. 27865 -- Yogi Berra at a dinner in his honor 27866% 27867I'm all for computer dating, but I 27868wouldn't want one to marry my sister. 27869% 27870I'm also inclined to believe that if you wait long enough, you will 27871eventually have more than 255 of almost *anything*.... 27872 -- A. Lyman Chapin 27873% 27874I'm always looking for a new idea that 27875will be more productive than its cost. 27876 -- David Rockefeller 27877% 27878I'm an artist. 27879But it's not what I really want to do. 27880What I really want to do is be a shoe salesman. 27881I know what you're going to say -- 27882"Dreamer! Get your head out of the clouds." 27883All right! But it's what I want to do. 27884Instead I have to go on painting all day long. 27885 27886The world should make a place for shoe salesmen. 27887 -- J. Feiffer 27888% 27889I'm an evolutionist; I refuse to believe 27890that I could have been created by man. 27891% 27892I'm changing my name to Chrysler 27893I'm going down to Washington, D.C. 27894I'll tell some power broker 27895 What they did for Iacocca 27896Will be perfectly acceptable to me! 27897I'm changing my name to Chrysler, 27898I'm heading for that great receiving line. 27899When they hand a million grand out, 27900 I'll be standing with my hand out, 27901Yessir, I'll get mine! 27902 -- Tom Paxton 27903% 27904I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did. 27905% 27906"I'm dying," he croaked. 27907"My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted. 27908"You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized. 27909"That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered. 27910"The fire is going out," he bellowed. 27911"Bad marksmanship," the hunter groused. 27912"You ought to see a psychiatrist," he reminded me. 27913"You snake," she rattled. 27914"Someone's at the door," she chimed. 27915"Company's coming," she guessed. 27916"Dawn came too soon," she mourned. 27917"I think I'll end it all," Sue sighed. 27918"I ordered chocolate, not vanilla," I screamed. 27919"Your embroidery is sloppy," she needled cruelly. 27920"Where did you get this meat?" he bridled hoarsely. 27921 -- Gyles Brandreth, "The Joy of Lex" 27922% 27923I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in. 27924 -- George McGovern 27925% 27926I'm for bringing back the birch, but only for consenting adults. 27927 -- Gore Vidal 27928% 27929I'm free -- and freedom tastes of reality. 27930% 27931I'm glad I was not born before tea. 27932 -- Sidney Smith (1771-1845) 27933% 27934I'm glad that I'm an American, 27935I'm glad that I am free, 27936But I wish I were a little doggy, 27937And McGovern were a tree. 27938% 27939I'm going through my "I want to go back to New York" phase today. Happens 27940every six months or so. So, I thought, perhaps unwisely, that I'd share 27941it with you. 27942 27943> In New York in the winter it is million degrees below zero and 27944 the wind travels at a million miles an hour down 5th avenue. 27945> And in LA it's 72. 27946 27947> In New York in the summer it is a million degrees and the humidity 27948 is a million percent. 27949> And in LA it's 72. 27950 27951> In New York there are a million interesting people. 27952> And in LA there are 72. 27953% 27954I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man. 27955 -- Fred Allen 27956% 27957I'm going to give my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes. 27958 -- Woody Allen 27959% 27960I'm going to live forever, or die trying! 27961 -- Spider Robinson 27962% 27963I'm going to raise an issue and stick it in your ear. 27964 -- John Foreman 27965% 27966I'm going to Vietnam at the request of the White House. President Johnson 27967says a war isn't really a war without my jokes. 27968 -- Bob Hope 27969% 27970I'm hungry, time to eat lunch. 27971% 27972I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here? 27973 -- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate 27974% 27975I'm just as sad as sad can be! 27976 I've missed your special date. 27977Please say that you're not mad at me 27978 My tax return is late. 27979 -- Modern Lines for Modern Greeting Cards 27980% 27981I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be 27982living apart. 27983 -- E. E. Cummings 27984% 27985I'm N-ary the tree, I am, 27986N-ary the tree, I am, I am. 27987I'm getting traversed by the parser next door, 27988She's traversed me seven times before. 27989And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!) 27990Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!) 27991I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary. 27992N-ary the tree I am, I am, 27993N-ary the tree I am. 27994 -- Stolen from Paul Revere and the Raiders 27995% 27996I'm not a lovable man. 27997 -- Richard M. Nixon 27998% 27999I'm not a real movie star -- I've still got the same wife I started out 28000with twenty-eight years ago. 28001 -- Will Rogers 28002% 28003I'm not afraid of death -- I just don't want to be there when it happens. 28004 -- Woody Allen 28005% 28006I'm not denyin' the women are foolish: God Almighty made 'em to 28007match the men. 28008 -- George Eliot 28009% 28010I'm not even going to *bother* comparing C to BASIC or FORTRAN. 28011 -- L. Zolman, creator of BDS C 28012% 28013I'm not laughing with you, I'm laughing at you. 28014% 28015I'm not offering myself as an example; 28016every life evolves by its own laws. 28017% 28018I'm not prejudiced, I hate everyone equally. 28019% 28020I'm not proud. 28021% 28022I'm not stupid, I'm not expendable, and I'M NOT GOING! 28023% 28024I'm not sure I've even got the brains to be President. 28025 -- Barry Goldwater, in 1964 28026% 28027I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert! 28028% 28029I'm not the person your mother warned you about... her imagination isn't 28030that good. 28031 -- Amy Gorin 28032% 28033I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. 28034It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get. 28035% 28036I'm often asked the question, "Do you think there is extraterrestrial intelli- 28037gence?" I give the standard arguments -- there are a lot of places out there, 28038and use the word *billions*, and so on. And then I say it would be astonishing 28039to me if there weren't extraterrestrial intelligence, but of course there is as 28040yet no compelling evidence for it. And then I'm asked, "Yeah, but what do you 28041really think?" I say, "I just told you what I really think." "Yeah, but 28042what's your gut feeling?" But I try not to think with my gut. Really, it's 28043okay to reserve judgment until the evidence is in. 28044 -- Carl Sagan 28045% 28046I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday 28047life. 28048% 28049I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is 28050-- I could be just as proud for half the money. 28051 -- Arthur Godfrey 28052% 28053I'm rated PG-34!! 28054% 28055I'm really enjoying not talking to you... 28056Let's not talk again REAL soon... 28057% 28058I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it 28059(your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage. 28060 -- English Professor, Providence College 28061% 28062I'm so broke I can't even pay attention. 28063% 28064I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here. 28065% 28066I'm sorry, but after reading this thread, I'm having a hard time 28067coming up with an explanation for this nonsense which doesn't involve 28068you being a dumbass. 28069 -- Bill Paul <wpaul@FreeBSD.org> 28070% 28071I'm sorry, but my kharma just ran over your dogma. 28072% 28073I'm sorry I missed. 28074 -- Squeaky Fromme 28075% 28076I'm sorry if the correct way of doing things offends you. 28077% 28078I'm still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie. 28079% 28080I'm successful because I'm lucky. 28081The harder I work, the luckier I get. 28082% 28083I'm very good at integral and differential calculus, 28084I know the scientific names of beings animalculous; 28085In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, 28086I am the very model of a modern Major-General. 28087 -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "The Pirates of Penzance" 28088% 28089I'm very old-fashioned. I believe that people should marry for life, 28090like pigeons and Catholics. 28091 -- Woody Allen 28092% 28093I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's 28094lives. 28095% 28096Imagination is more important than knowledge. 28097 -- Albert Einstein 28098% 28099Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality. 28100 -- Jules de Gaultier 28101% 28102Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the 28103usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody 28104thinks of complaining. 28105 -- Jeff Raskin, interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal 28106% 28107Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has 28108a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk 28109storage, a screen resolution of 4096 x 4096 pixels, relies entirely on 28110voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300. 28111What's the first question that the computer community asks? 28112 28113"Is it PC compatible?" 28114% 28115Imagine there's no heaven... it's easy if you try. 28116 -- John Lennon, "Imagine" 28117% 28118Imagine what we can imagine! 28119 -- Arthur Rubinstein 28120% 28121Imbalance of power corrupts and monopoly of power corrupts absolutely. 28122 -- Genji 28123% 28124Imbesi's Law with Freeman's Extension: 28125 In order for something to become clean, something else must 28126 become dirty; but you can get everything dirty without getting 28127 anything clean. 28128% 28129Imitation is the sincerest form of television. 28130 -- Fred Allen 28131% 28132Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant. 28133% 28134Immanuel Kant but Kubla Khan. 28135% 28136Immature artists imitate, mature artists steal. 28137 -- Lionel Trilling 28138% 28139Immature poets imitate, mature poets steal. 28140 -- T. S. Eliot, "Philip Massinger" 28141% 28142Immortality -- a fate worse than death. 28143 -- Edgar A. Shoaff 28144% 28145Immutability, Three Rules of: 28146 (1) If a tarpaulin can flap, it will. 28147 (2) If a small boy can get dirty, he will. 28148 (3) If a teenager can go out, he will. 28149% 28150Impartial, adj.: 28151 Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from 28152 espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two 28153 conflicting opinions. 28154 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 28155% 28156Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the 28157mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the 28158Boss is reading it. 28159% 28160Impossible, adj.: 28161 (1) I wouldn't like it and when it happens I won't approve; 28162 (2) I can't be bothered; 28163 (3) God can't be bothered. 28164Meaning (3) may perhaps be valid but the others are 101% whaledreck. 28165 -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab" 28166% 28167In 1750 Isaac Newton became discouraged when he fell up a flight of 28168stairs. 28169% 28170In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled 28171waffles. 28172% 28173In 1880 the French captured Detroit but gave it back ... they couldn't 28174get parts. 28175% 28176In 1914, the first crossword puzzle was printed in a newspaper. The 28177creator received $4000 down ... and $3000 across. 28178% 28179In 1915 pancake make-up was invented but most people still preferred 28180syrup. 28181% 28182In 1967, the Soviet Government minted a beautiful silver ruble with Lenin 28183in a very familiar pose - arms raised above him, leading the country to 28184revolution. But, it was clear to everybody, that if you looked at it from 28185behind, it was clear that Lenin was pointing to 11:00, when the Vodka 28186shops opened, and was actually saying, "Comrades, forward to the Vodka shops. 28187 28188It became fashionable, when one wanted to have a drink, to take out the 28189ruble and say, "Oh my goodness, Comrades, Lenin tells me we should go. 28190% 28191In 1989, the United States, which was displeased with the policies of the 28192dictator of Panama, invaded that country and placed in power a government 28193more to its liking. 28194 28195In 1990, Iraq, which was displeased with the policies of the dictator of 28196Kuwait, invaded that country and placed in power a government more to its 28197liking. 28198% 28199In a bottle, the neck is always at the top. 28200% 28201In a circuit with a fast-acting fuse, 28202an IC will blow to protect the fuse. 28203% 28204In a consumer society there are inevitably two kinds of slaves: 28205the prisoners of addiction and the prisoners of envy. 28206% 28207In a country where the sole employer is the State, opposition means death 28208by slow starvation. The old principle: Who does not work shall not eat, 28209has been replaced by a new one: Who does not obey shall not eat. 28210 -- Leon Trotsky, 1937 28211% 28212In a display of perverse brilliance, Carl the repairman mistakes a room 28213humidifier for a mid-range computer but manages to tie it into the network 28214anyway. 28215 -- The 5th Wave 28216% 28217In a five year period we can get one superb programming language. 28218Only we can't control when the five year period will begin. 28219% 28220In a gathering of two or more people, when a lighted cigarette is 28221placed in an ashtray, the smoke will waft into the face of the non-smoker. 28222% 28223In a great romance, each person basically plays a part that the 28224other really likes. 28225 -- Elizabeth Ashley 28226% 28227In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence ... 28228in time every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent 28229to carry out its duties ... Work is accomplished by those employees who 28230have not yet reached their level of incompetence. 28231 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter, "The Peter Principle" 28232% 28233In a medium in which a News Piece takes a minute and an "In-Depth" 28234Piece takes two minutes, the Simple will drive out the Complex. 28235 -- Frank Mankiewicz 28236% 28237In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus, 28238"one when he was a boy and one when he was a man." 28239 -- Mark Twain 28240% 28241In a surprise raid last night, federal agent's ransacked a house in search 28242of a rebel computer hacker. However, they were unable to complete the arrest 28243because the warrant was made out in the name of Don Provan, while the only 28244person in the house was named don provan. Proving, once again, that Unix is 28245superior to Tops10. 28246% 28247In a whiskey it's age, in a cigarette it's 28248taste and in a sports car it's impossible. 28249% 28250In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground 28251with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries. Anthropologists call 28252this a form of primitive self-expression. In America we call it golf. 28253% 28254In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one 28255of the risks he takes. 28256 -- Adlai E. Stevenson 28257% 28258In America today ... we have Woody Allen, whose humor has become so 28259sophisticated that nobody gets it any more except Mia Farrow. All 28260those who think Mia Farrow should go back to making movies where the 28261devil gets her pregnant and Woody Allen should go back to dressing up 28262as a human sperm, please raise your hands. Thank you. 28263 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" 28264% 28265In an age when the fashion is to be in love with yourself, confessing to 28266be in love with somebody else is an admission of unfaithfulness to one's 28267beloved. 28268 -- Russell Baker 28269% 28270In an orderly world, there's always a place for the disorderly. 28271% 28272In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own 28273incompetency 28274 -- The Peter Principle 28275% 28276In any country there must be people who have to die. They are the 28277sacrifices any nation has to make to achieve law and order. 28278 -- Idi Amin Dada 28279% 28280In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks) 28281are to be treated as variables. 28282% 28283In any problem, if you find yourself doing an infinite amount of work, 28284the answer may be obtained by inspection. 28285% 28286In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations -- 28287it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir. 28288 -- Stuart Keate 28289% 28290In Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs. 28291% 28292IN BOX: 28293 A catch basin for everything you don't want 28294 to deal with, but are afraid to throw away. 28295% 28296In breeding cattle you need one bull for every twenty-five cows, unless 28297the cows are known sluts. 28298 -- Johnny Carson 28299% 28300In Brooklyn, we had such great pennant races, it 28301made the World Series just something that came later. 28302 -- Walter O'Malley, Dodgers owner 28303% 28304In buying horses and taking a wife 28305shut your eyes tight and commend yourself to God. 28306% 28307In California, Bill Honig, the Superintendent of Public Instruction, said he 28308thought the general public should have a voice in defining what an excellent 28309teacher should know. "I would not leave the definition of math," Dr. Honig 28310said, "up to the mathematicians." 28311 -- The New York Times, October 22, 1985 28312% 28313In California they don't throw their garbage away -- they make 28314it into television shows. 28315 -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall" 28316% 28317In case of atomic attack, all work rules will be temporarily suspended. 28318% 28319In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools 28320will be temporarily canceled. 28321% 28322In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!" 28323 -- The Kidner Report 28324% 28325In case of fire, yell "FIRE!" 28326% 28327In case of injury notify your superior immediately. 28328He'll kiss it and make it better. 28329% 28330In charity there is no excess. 28331 -- Francis Bacon 28332% 28333In childhood a woman must be subject to her father; in youth to her 28334husband; when her husband is dead, to her sons. A woman must never 28335be free of subjugation. 28336 -- The Hindu Code of Manu 28337% 28338In Christianity, a man may have only one wife. 28339This is called Monotony. 28340% 28341In Columbia, Pennsylvania, it is against the law for a pilot to tickle 28342a female flying student under her chin with a feather duster in order 28343to get her attention. 28344% 28345In computer science, we stand on each other's feet. 28346 -- Brian K. Reid 28347% 28348In computing, the mean time to failure keeps getting shorter. 28349% 28350In Corning, Iowa, it's a misdemeanor for a man to ask his wife to ride 28351in any motor vehicle. 28352% 28353In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable. 28354 -- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery 28355% 28356In Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door 28357neighbor. 28358% 28359In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset. 28360% 28361In dwelling, be close to the land. 28362In meditation, delve deep into the heart. 28363In dealing with others, be gentle and kind. 28364In speech, be true. 28365In work, be competent. 28366In action, be careful of your timing. 28367 -- Lao Tsu 28368% 28369In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our 28370programming languages. 28371% 28372In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty. 28373 -- Thomas Jefferson 28374% 28375In every hierarchy the cream rises until it sours. 28376 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter 28377% 28378In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun. 28379Find the fun and snap! The job's a game. 28380And every task you undertake, becomes a piece of cake, 28381 a lark, a spree; it's very clear to see. 28382 -- Mary Poppins 28383% 28384In every non-trivial program there is at least one bug. 28385% 28386In fact, S. M. Simpson, eventually devised an efficient 24-point Fourier 28387transform, which was a precursor to the Cooley-Tukey fast Fourier transform 28388in 1965. The FFT made all of Simpson's efficient autocorrelation and 28389spectrum programs instantly obsolete, on which he had worked half a lifetime. 28390 -- Proc. IEEE, Sept. 1982, p.900 28391% 28392In fiction the recourse of the powerless is murder; 28393in life the recourse of the powerless is petty theft. 28394% 28395In Germany they first came for the Communists and I didn't speak up because 28396I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up 28397because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I 28398didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the 28399Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came 28400for me -- and by that time no one was left to speak up. 28401 -- Pastor Martin Niemoller 28402% 28403In God we trust; all else we walk through. 28404% 28405In good speaking, should not the mind of the speaker 28406know the truth of the matter about which he is to speak? 28407 -- Plato 28408% 28409In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on 28410the sidewalks when a concert is on. 28411% 28412In her first passion woman loves her lover, 28413In all the others all she loves is love. 28414 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan" 28415% 28416In high school in Brooklyn 28417I was the baseball manager, 28418proud as I could be 28419I chased baseballs, 28420gathered thrown bats 28421handed out the towels Eventually, I bought my own 28422It was very important work but it was dark blue while 28423for a small spastic kid, the official ones were green 28424but I was a team member Nobody ever said anything 28425When the team got to me about my blue jacket; 28426their warm-up jackets the guys were my friends 28427I didn't get one Yet it hurt me all year 28428Only the regular team to wear that blue jacket 28429got these jackets, and among all those green ones 28430surely not a manager Even now, forty years after, 28431 I still recall that jacket 28432 and the memory goes on hurting. 28433 -- Bart Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance" 28434% 28435In Hollywood, all marriages are happy. It's trying to live together 28436afterwards that causes the problems. 28437 -- Shelley Winters 28438% 28439In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it. 28440 -- Rex Reed 28441% 28442In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into 28443use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather 28444which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy. 28445 -- Mark Twain 28446% 28447In Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, 28448murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci 28449and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had 28450five hundred years of democracy and peace -- and what did they produce? 28451The cuckoo-clock. 28452 -- Orson Welles, "The Third Man" 28453% 28454In just seven days, I can make you a man! 28455 -- The Rocky Horror Picture Show 28456 [ (and seven nights...) Ed.] 28457% 28458In less than a century, computers will be making substantial 28459progress on ... the overriding problem of war and peace. 28460 -- James Slagle 28461% 28462In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your 28463pocket. 28464% 28465In like a dimwit, out like a light. 28466 -- Pogo 28467% 28468In love, she who gives her portrait promises the original. 28469 -- Bruton 28470% 28471In Lowes Crossroads, Delaware, it is a violation of local law for any 28472pilot or passenger to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket while 28473either flying or waiting to board a plane. 28474% 28475In marriage, as in war, it is permitted 28476to take every advantage of the enemy. 28477% 28478In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but 28479the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they 28480have obtained from books of travel. 28481 -- Mark Twain 28482% 28483In matters of principle, stand like a rock; 28484in matters of taste, swim with the current. 28485 -- Thomas Jefferson 28486% 28487In Mexico we have a word for sushi: bait. 28488 -- Josi Simon 28489% 28490In Minnesota they ask why all football fields in Iowa have artificial turf. 28491It's so the cheerleaders won't graze during the game. 28492% 28493In most instances, all an argument 28494proves is that two people are present. 28495% 28496In my end is my beginning. 28497 -- Mary Stuart, Queen of Scots 28498% 28499In my experience, if you have to keep the lavatory door shut by extending 28500your left leg, it's modern architecture. 28501 -- Nancy Banks Smith 28502% 28503IN MY OPINION anyone interested in improving himself should not rule out 28504becoming pure energy. 28505 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 28506% 28507In Nature there are neither rewards nor 28508punishments, there are consequences. 28509 -- R. G. Ingersoll 28510% 28511In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as 28512to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the 28513speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00. 28514% 28515In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar -- 28516a practice which is still continued. 28517 -- Helen Rowland 28518% 28519In order to dial out, it is necessary to broaden one's dimension. 28520% 28521In order to discover who you are, first learn who everybody else is; 28522you're what's left. 28523% 28524In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it. 28525% 28526In order to live free and happily, you must sacrifice boredom. 28527It is not always an easy sacrifice. 28528% 28529In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the 28530universe. 28531 -- Carl Sagan, Cosmos 28532% 28533In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence 28534is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office. 28535 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 28536% 28537In our system there's no intermediate step between a definitive Supreme 28538Court decision and violent revolution. 28539 -- Al Gore (New York Magazine, May 29 2006) 28540% 28541In Oz, never say "krizzle kroo" to a Woozy. 28542% 28543In Pierre Trudeau, Canada has finally produced 28544a Prime Minister worthy of assassination. 28545 -- John Diefenbaker 28546% 28547In Pocataligo, Georgia, it is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds 28548and attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane. 28549% 28550In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying 28551of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public 28552view." 28553% 28554In practice, failures in system development, like unemployment in Russia, 28555happens a lot despite official propaganda to the contrary. 28556 -- Paul Licker 28557% 28558In real love you want the other person's good. In romantic love you 28559want the other person. 28560 -- Margaret Anderson 28561% 28562In reply to a message by Scott Long: 28563 28564> Note: this amounts to life support for floppies. The end IS coming. 28565 28566Say it ain't so! If you establish a dangerous trend like this in 28567your support for floppy booting, the next thing you know, some 28568computer manufacturer will start shipping machines without ANY FLOPPY 28569DRIVE AT ALL, leading to the infocalypse, the four horsemen pouring 28570their vials upon the earth, the birth of the anti-christ (or PERL 6, 28571whichever comes first), dogs and cats living together, etc. 28572 28573It's the end of days, I tell you! The end! Can the FreeBSD/NetBSD 28574merger be that far off? 28575 -- Jordan Hubbard (31 January 2006) 28576% 28577In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space 28578Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways. 28579Our asymptotes no longer out of phase, 28580We shall encounter, counting, face to face. 28581 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 28582% 28583In San Francisco, Halloween is redundant. 28584 -- Will Durst 28585% 28586In science it often happens that scientists say, "You know that's a really 28587good argument; my position is mistaken," and then they actually change 28588their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. They really 28589do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are 28590human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot 28591recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion. 28592 -- Carl Sagan, 1987 CSICOP keynote address 28593% 28594In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that 28595is over six feet in length. 28596% 28597In seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way. 28598 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 28599% 28600In short, _N is Richardian if, and only if, _N is not Richardian. 28601% 28602In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's. 28603% 28604In spite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart. 28605 -- Anne Frank 28606% 28607In success there's a tendency to keep on doing what you were doing. 28608 -- Alan Kay 28609% 28610In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a 28611moving automobile. 28612% 28613[In the 60's] there was madness in any direction, at any hour ... You 28614could strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense 28615that whatever we were doing was `right', that we were winning ... 28616 28617And that, I think, was the handle -- the sense of inevitable victory 28618over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we 28619didn't need that. Our energy would simply `prevail'. There was no 28620point in fighting -- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; 28621we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave ... 28622 28623So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in 28624Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost 28625___see the high-water mark -- the place where the wave finally broke and 28626rolled back. 28627 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" 28628% 28629In the age of the internet attaching a famous name to your personal 28630opinion to give more weight to it is a very valid strategy. 28631 -- Benjamin Franklin 28632% 28633In the beginning there was nothing. And the Lord said "Let There Be Light!" 28634And still there was nothing, but at least now you could see it. 28635% 28636In the beginning was the word. 28637But by the time the second word was added to it, 28638there was trouble. 28639For with it came syntax ... 28640 -- John Simon 28641% 28642In the course of reading Hadamard's "The Psychology of Invention in the 28643Mathematical Field", I have come across evidence supporting a fact 28644which we coffee achievers have long appreciated: no really creative, 28645intelligent thought is possible without a good cup of coffee. On page 2864614, Hadamard is discussing Poincare's theory of fuchsian groups and 28647fuchsian functions, which he describes as "... one of his greatest 28648discoveries, the first which consecrated his glory ..." Hadamard refers 28649to Poincare having had a "... sleepless night which initiated all that 28650memorable work ..." and gives the following, very revealing quote: 28651 28652 "One evening, contrary to my custom, I drank black coffee and 28653 could not sleep. Ideas rose in crowds; I felt them collide 28654 until pairs interlocked, so to speak, making a stable 28655 combination." 28656 28657Too bad drinking black coffee was contrary to his custom. Maybe he 28658could really have amounted to something as a coffee achiever. 28659% 28660In the days of old, 28661When Knights were bold, 28662 And women were too cautious; 28663Oh, those gallant days, 28664When women were women, 28665 And men were really obnoxious. 28666% 28667In the dimestores and bus stations 28668People talk of situations 28669Read books repeat quotations 28670Draw conclusions on the wall. 28671 -- Bob Dylan 28672% 28673In the early morning queue, 28674With a listing in my hand. 28675With a worry in my heart, There on terminal number 9, 28676Waitin' here in CERAS-land. Pascal run all set to go. 28677I'm a long way from sleep, But I'm waitin' in the queue, 28678How I miss a good meal so. With this code that ever grows. 28679In the early mornin' queue, Now the lobby chairs are soft, 28680With no place to go. But that can't make the queue move fast. 28681 Hey, there it goes my friend, 28682 I've moved up one at last. 28683 -- Ernest Adams, "Early Morning Queue", to "Early 28684 Morning Rain" by G. Lightfoot 28685% 28686In the eyes of my dog, I'm a man. 28687 -- Martin Mull 28688% 28689In the first place, God made idiots; 28690this was for practice; then he made school boards. 28691 -- Mark Twain 28692% 28693In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in 28694the proper order then why can't he? 28695% 28696In the future, you're going to get computers as prizes in breakfast cereals. 28697You'll throw them out because your house will be littered with them. 28698% 28699In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls. 28700 -- Lenny Bruce 28701% 28702In the highest society, as well as in the lowest, 28703woman is merely an instrument of pleasure. 28704 -- Tolstoy 28705% 28706In the land of the dark, the Ship of the Sun is driven by the Grateful 28707Dead. 28708 -- Egyptian Book of the Dead 28709% 28710In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble. 28711 -- Alan J. Perlis 28712% 28713In the long run we are all dead. 28714 -- John Maynard Keynes 28715% 28716In the middle of a wide field is a pot of gold. 100 feet to the north stands 28717a smart manager. 100 feet to the south stands a dumb manager. 100 feet to 28718the east is the Easter Bunny, and 100 feet to the west is Santa Claus. 28719 28720Q: Who gets to the pot of gold first? 28721A: The dumb manager. All the rest are myths. 28722% 28723In the midst of one of the wildest parties he'd ever been to, the young man 28724noticed a very prim and pretty girl sitting quietly apart from the rest of 28725the revelers. Approaching her, he introduced himself and, after some quiet 28726conversation, said, "I'm afraid you and I don't really fit in with this 28727jaded group. Why don't I take you home?"" 28728 "Fine," said the girl, smiling up at him demurely. "Where do you 28729live?" 28730% 28731In the misfortune of our friends we find something that is not 28732displeasing to us. 28733 -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims" 28734% 28735In the next world, you're on your own. 28736% 28737In the Old West a wagon train is crossing the plains. As night falls the 28738wagon train forms a circle, and a campfire is lit in the middle. After 28739everyone has gone to sleep two lone cavalry officers stand watch over the 28740camp. 28741 After several hours of quiet, they hear war drums starting from 28742a nearby Indian village they had passed during the day. The drums get 28743louder and louder. 28744 Finally one soldier turns to the other and says, "I don't like 28745the sound of those drums." 28746 Suddenly, they hear a cry come from the Indian camp: "IT'S 28747NOT OUR REGULAR DRUMMER." 28748% 28749In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or 28750a loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it 28751to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by 28752forty lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you 28753stole a dog and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit 28754punches, although it was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong 28755enough to punch you. 28756 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 28757% 28758In the plot, people came to the land; the land loved them; they worked and 28759struggled and had lots of children. There was a Frenchman who talked funny 28760and a greenhorn from England who was a fancy-pants but when it came to the 28761crunch he was all courage. Those novels would make you retch. 28762 -- Canadian novelist Robertson Davies, on the generic Canadian 28763 novel. 28764% 28765In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has 28766shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the 28767Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million 28768three hundred thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years 28769from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. 28770... There is something fascinating about science. One gets such 28771wholesome returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of 28772fact. 28773 -- Mark Twain 28774% 28775In the Spring, I have counted 136 28776different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours. 28777 -- Mark Twain, on New England weather 28778% 28779In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator. 28780% 28781In the time of peace and harmony 28782Be a kind-hearted friend. 28783In the time of conflict with enemies 28784Be a falcon of advance and attack. 28785 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan 28786% 28787In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to drop 28788out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at discotheques. 28789 -- Art Linkletter 28790% 28791In the war of wits, he's unarmed. 28792% 28793In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. 28794In practice, there is. 28795% 28796In these matters the only certainty is that there is nothing certain. 28797 -- Pliny the Elder 28798% 28799In this vale 28800Of toil and sin 28801Your head grows bald 28802But not your chin. 28803 -- Burma Shave 28804% 28805In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. 28806 -- Benjamin Franklin 28807% 28808In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be 28809thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican. 28810 -- H. L. Mencken 28811% 28812In this world some people are going to like me and some are not. 28813So, I may as well be me. Then I know if someone likes me, they like me. 28814% 28815In this world there are only two tragedies. One is 28816not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it. 28817 -- Oscar Wilde 28818% 28819In this world, truth can wait; she's used to it. 28820% 28821In those days he was wiser than he is now -- he used to frequently take 28822my advice. 28823 -- Winston Churchill 28824% 28825In time, every post tends to be occupied by an 28826employee who is incompetent to carry out its duties. 28827 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter 28828% 28829In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without 28830the supervision of a licensed engineer. 28831% 28832In /users3 did Kubla Kahn 28833A stately pleasure dome decree, 28834Where /bin, the sacred river ran 28835Through Test Suites measureless to Man 28836Down to a sunless C. 28837% 28838In war it is not men, but the man who counts. 28839 -- Napoleon 28840% 28841In war, truth is the first casualty. 28842 -- U Thant 28843% 28844In West Union, Ohio, No married man can go flying without his spouse 28845along at any time, unless he has been married for more than 12 months. 28846% 28847In which level of metalanguage are you now speaking? 28848% 28849In wine there is truth (In vino veritas). 28850 -- Pliny 28851% 28852In Xanadu did Kubla Khan a stately pleasure dome decree 28853But only if the NFL to a franchise would agree. 28854% 28855In Xanadu did Kubla Khan 28856A stately pleasure dome decree: 28857Where Alph, the sacred river, ran 28858Through caverns measureless to man 28859Down to a sunless sea. 28860So twice five miles of fertile ground 28861With walls and towers were girdled round: 28862And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills, 28863Where blossomed many an incense-bearing tree; 28864And here were forest ancient as the hills, 28865Enfolding sunny spots of greenery. 28866 -- Samuel T. Coleridge, "Kubla Kahn" 28867% 28868In youth, it was a way I had 28869To do my best to please, 28870And change, with every passing lad, 28871To suit his theories. 28872 28873But now I know the things I know, 28874And do the things I do; 28875And if you do not like me so, 28876To hell, my love, with you! 28877 -- Dorothy Parker, "Indian Summer" 28878% 28879INCENTIVE PROGRAM: 28880 The system of long and short-term rewards that a corporation uses 28881 to motivate its people. Still, despite all the experimentation with 28882 profit sharing, stock options, and the like, the most effective 28883 incentive program to date seems to be "Do a good job and you get to 28884 keep it." 28885% 28886Include me out. 28887% 28888Increased knowledge will help you now. 28889Have mate's phone bugged. 28890% 28891Incumbent, n.: 28892 Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents. 28893 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 28894% 28895Indecision is the true basis for flexibility. 28896% 28897Indeed, the first noble truth of Buddhism, usually translated as 28898`all life is suffering,' is more accurately rendered `life is filled 28899with a sense of pervasive unsatisfactoriness.' 28900 -- M. D. Epstein 28901% 28902INDEX: 28903 Alphabetical list of words of no possible interest where an 28904 alphabetical list of subjects with references ought to be. 28905% 28906Indiana is a state dedicated to basketball. Basketball, soybeans, hogs and 28907basketball. Berkeley, needless to say, is not nearly as athletic. Berkeley 28908is dedicated to coffee, angst, potholes and coffee. 28909 -- Carolyn Jones 28910% 28911Indifference will certainly be the downfall of mankind, but who cares? 28912% 28913Individualists unite! 28914% 28915Indomitable in retreat; invincible in 28916advance; insufferable in victory. 28917 -- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery 28918% 28919Infancy, n.: 28920 The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven lies 28921 about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward. 28922 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 28923% 28924Infidel, n.: 28925 In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion; 28926 in Constantinople, one who does. 28927 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 28928% 28929Inform all the troops that communications have completely broken down. 28930% 28931Information Center, n.: 28932 A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is 28933to tell you why you cannot have the information you require. 28934% 28935Information is the inverse of entropy. 28936% 28937Information Processing: 28938 What you call data processing when people are so disgusted with 28939 it they won't let it be discussed in their presence. 28940% 28941Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations 28942 28943 Sign on a cabin door of a Soviet Black Sea cruise liner: 28944 Helpsavering apparata in emergings behold many whistles! 28945 Associate the stringing apparata about the bosums and meet 28946 behind, flee then to the indifferent lifesaveringshippen 28947 obedicing the instructs of the vessel. 28948 28949 On the door in a Belgrade hotel: 28950 Let us know about any unficiency as well as leaking on 28951 the service. Our utmost will improve it. 28952 28953 -- Colin Bowles 28954% 28955Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations 28956 28957 Sign on a cathedral in Spain: 28958 It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner if 28959 dressed as a man. 28960 28961 Above the entrance to a Cairo bar: 28962 Unaccompanied ladies not admitted unless with husband 28963 or similar. 28964 28965 On a Bucharest elevator: 28966 28967 The lift is being fixed for the next days. 28968 During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. 28969 28970 -- Colin Bowles 28971% 28972Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations 28973 28974 Various signs in Poland: 28975 28976 Right turn toward immediate outside. 28977 28978 Go soothingly in the snow, as there lurk the ski demons. 28979 28980 Five o'clock tea at all hours. 28981 28982 In a men's washroom in Sidney: 28983 28984 Shake excess water from hands, push button to start, 28985 rub hands rapidly under air outlet and wipe hands 28986 on front of shirt. 28987 28988 -- Colin Bowles, San Francisco Chronicle 28989% 28990Ingrate, n.: 28991 A man who bites the hand that feeds him, 28992 and then complains of indigestion. 28993% 28994Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. 28995 -- Martin Luther King, Jr. 28996% 28997Ink, n.: 28998 A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and 28999 water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and 29000 promote intellectual crime. 29001 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 29002% 29003Innocence ends when one is stripped of the delusion that one 29004likes oneself. 29005 -- Joan Didion, "On Self Respect" 29006% 29007INNOVATE: 29008 Annoy people. 29009% 29010Innovation is hard to schedule. 29011 -- Dan Fylstra 29012% 29013INNUENDO: 29014 Italian enema. 29015% 29016Insanity is considered a ground for divorce, though by the very same 29017token it is the shortest detour to marriage. 29018 -- Wilson Mizner 29019% 29020Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids. 29021% 29022Insanity is the final defense. It's hard to get a refund when 29023the salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon. 29024% 29025INSECURITY: 29026 Finding out that you've mispronounced for years one of your 29027 favorite words. 29028 29029 Realizing halfway through a joke that you're telling it to 29030 the person who told it to you. 29031% 29032Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over. 29033% 29034Inspector: "Mrs. Freem, was this your husband's first 29035 hunting accident?" 29036Mrs. Freem: "His first fatal one, yes." 29037 -- Woody Allen 29038% 29039Inspiration without perspiration is usually sterile. 29040% 29041Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't 29042they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning 29043anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five 29044years we would have the smartest race of people on earth. 29045 -- The Best of Will Rogers 29046% 29047Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better. 29048 -- Edgar W. Howe 29049% 29050Instead of thinking of spam as a disease that might be eliminated, 29051it is more useful to think of it like crime, war and cockroaches. 29052It is not realistic to expect to eliminate any of these, no matter 29053how much anyone might wish otherwise. Therefore the best we can 29054hope to accomplish is to bring spam under reasonable control... 29055 -- Dave Crocker 29056% 29057Integrity has no need for rules. 29058% 29059Intel CPUs are not defective, they just act that way. 29060 -- Henry Spencer 29061% 29062Intellect annuls Fate. 29063So far as a man thinks, he is free. 29064 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 29065% 29066Interchangeable parts won't. 29067% 29068INTEREST: 29069 What borrowers pay, lenders receive, stockholders own, and 29070 burned out employees must feign. 29071% 29072Interesting poll results reported in today's New York Post: people on the 29073street in midtown Manhattan were asked whether they approved of the US 29074invasion of Grenada. Fifty-three percent said yes; 39 percent said no; 29075and 8 percent said "Gimme a quarter?" 29076 -- David Letterman 29077% 29078Interfere? Of course we should interfere! Always do what you're 29079best at, that's what I say. 29080 -- "Doctor Who" 29081% 29082Interpreter, n.: 29083 One who enables two persons of different languages to understand 29084 each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the 29085 interpreter's advantage for the other to have said. 29086 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 29087% 29088Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure. 29089% 29090INTOXICATED: 29091 When you feel sophisticated without being able to pronounce it. 29092% 29093Introducing, the 1010, a one-bit processor. 29094 29095INSTRUCTION SET 29096 Code Mnemonic What 29097 0 NOP No Operation 29098 1 JMP Jump (address specified by next 2 bits) 29099 29100Now Available for only 12 1/2 cents! 29101% 29102Invest in physics -- own a piece of Dirac! 29103% 29104Involvement with people is always a very delicate thing -- 29105it requires real maturity to become involved and not get all messed up. 29106 -- Bernard Cooke 29107% 29108I/O, I/O, 29109It's off to disk I go, 29110A bit or byte to read or write, 29111I/O, I/O, I/O... 29112% 29113IOT trap -- core dumped 29114% 29115IOT trap -- mos dumped 29116% 29117Iowa State -- the high school after high school! 29118 -- Crow T. Robot 29119% 29120Iowans ask why Minnesotans don't drink more Kool-Aid. That's because 29121they can't figure out how to get two quarts of water into one of those 29122little paper envelopes. 29123% 29124Iron Law of Distribution: 29125 Them that has, gets. 29126% 29127IRONY: 29128 A windy day, when, just as a beautiful girl with 29129 a short skirt approaches, dust blows in your eyes. 29130% 29131Irrationality is the square root of all evil. 29132 -- Douglas Hofstadter 29133% 29134Is a computer language with goto's totally Wirth-less? 29135% 29136Is a person who blows up banks an econoclast? 29137% 29138Is a wedding successful if it comes off without a hitch? 29139% 29140Is death legally binding? 29141% 29142Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is 29143meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as a 29144soap bubble? 29145% 29146Is it weird in here, or is it just me? 29147 -- Steven Wright 29148% 29149Is knowledge knowable? If not, how do we know that? 29150% 29151Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning 29152of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out, 29153and such as are out wish to get in? 29154 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 29155% 29156Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right. 29157 -- Woody Allen, "All You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex" 29158% 29159Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just glad to see me? 29160 -- Mae West 29161% 29162Is that really YOU that is reading this? 29163% 29164Is there life before breakfast? 29165% 29166Is this really happening? 29167% 29168Is your job running? You'd better go catch it! 29169% 29170Isn't air travel wonderful? 29171Breakfast in London, dinner in New York, luggage in Brazil. 29172% 29173Isn't it conceivable to you that an intelligent 29174person could harbor two opposing ideas in his mind? 29175 -- Adlai E. Stevenson, to reporters 29176% 29177Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction 29178listen to weather forecasts and economists? 29179 -- Kelvin Throop III 29180% 29181Isn't it ironic that many men spend a great part of their lives 29182avoiding marriage while single-mindedly pursuing those things that 29183would make them better prospects? 29184% 29185Isn't it nice that people who prefer Los Angeles to San Francisco live 29186there? 29187 -- Herb Caen 29188% 29189Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune 29190tellers take economists seriously? 29191% 29192ISO applications: 29193 A solution in search of a problem! 29194% 29195Issawi's Laws of Progress: 29196 The Course of Progress: 29197 Most things get steadily worse. 29198 The Path of Progress: 29199 A shortcut is the longest distance between two points. 29200% 29201It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself working 29202as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. One slow day, he found that he 29203had time to chat with the new entrants. To the first one he asked, 29204"What's your IQ?" The new arrival replied, "190". They discussed 29205Einstein's theory of relativity for hours. When the second new arrival 29206came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's IQ. The answer 29207this time came "120". To which Einstein replied, "Tell me, how did the 29208Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half an hour or so. 29209To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the question, "What's 29210your IQ?". Upon receiving the answer "70", Einstein smiled and asked, 29211"Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?" 29212% 29213It appears that PL/I (and its dialects) is, or will be, the 29214most widely used higher level language for systems programming. 29215 -- J. Sammet 29216% 29217It cannot be seen, cannot be felt, 29218Cannot be heard, cannot be smelt. 29219It lies behind starts and under hills, 29220And empty holes it fills. 29221It comes first and follows after, 29222Ends life, kills laughter. 29223% 29224"It could be that Walter's horse has wings" does not imply that there is 29225any such animal as Walter's horse, only that there could be; but "Walter's 29226horse is a thing which could have wings" does imply Walter's horse's 29227existence. But the conjunction "Walter's horse exists, and it could be 29228that Walter's horse has wings" still does not imply "Walter's horse is a 29229thing that could have wings", for perhaps it can only be that Walter's 29230horse has wings by Walter having a different horse. Nor does "Walter's 29231horse is a thing which could have wings" conversely imply "It could be that 29232Walter's horse has wings"; for it might be that Walter's horse could only 29233have wings by not being Walter's horse. 29234 29235I would deny, though, that the formula [Necessarily if some x has property P 29236then some x has property P] expresses a logical law, since P(x) could stand 29237for, let us say "x is a better logician than I am", and the statement "It is 29238necessary that if someone is a better logician than I am then someone is a 29239better logician than I am" is false because there need not have been any me. 29240 -- A. N. Prior, "Time and Modality" 29241% 29242It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being. 29243 -- Benjamin Disraeli 29244% 29245It did not occur to me that my being with two men continuously would 29246interest anyone or arouse anyone's misgivings. I asked for an invitation 29247for Heinrich too, as often as it seemed possible, when Paulus and I were 29248invited to a social gathering. I felt the set of rules others lived by 29249was irrelevant. My childhood attitude -- every attempt to adjust is 29250hopeless and you might just as well follow your own attitudes -- must have 29251carried me. 29252 -- Hannah Tillich, "From Time to Time" 29253% 29254It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations. 29255% 29256It does not matter if you fall down as long as you 29257pick up something from the floor while you get up. 29258% 29259It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've 29260done and what you're going to do. 29261% 29262It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose. 29263% 29264It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out 29265next morning it was someone else. 29266 -- Rogers 29267% 29268It follows that any commander in chief who undertakes to carry out a plan 29269which he considers defective is at fault; he must put forth his reasons, 29270insist of the plan being changed, and finally tender his resignation rather 29271than be the instrument of his army's downfall. 29272 -- Napoleon, "Military Maxims and Thought" 29273% 29274It gets late early out there. 29275 -- Yogi Berra 29276% 29277It got to the point where I had to get a haircut 29278or both feet firmly planted in the air. 29279% 29280It hangs down from the chandelier 29281Nobody knows quite what it does 29282Its color is odd and its shape is weird 29283It emits a high-sounding buzz 29284 29285It grows a couple of feet each day 29286and wriggles with sort of a twitch 29287Nobody bugs it 'cause it comes from 29288a visiting uncle who's rich! 29289 -- To "It Came Upon A Midnight Clear" 29290% 29291It happened long ago 29292In the new magic land 29293The Indians and the buffalo 29294Existed hand in hand 29295The Indians needed food 29296They need skins for a roof 29297The only took what they needed 29298And the buffalo ran loose 29299But then came the white man 29300With his thick and empty head 29301He couldn't see past his billfold 29302He wanted all the buffalo dead 29303It was sad, oh so sad. 29304 -- Ted Nugent, "The Great White Buffalo" 29305% 29306It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater. The clown 29307came out to inform the public. They thought it was just a jest and 29308applauded. He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder. So I 29309think the world will come to an end amid general applause from all the 29310wits, who believe that it is a joke. 29311 -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855) 29312% 29313It has been justly observed by sages of all lands that although a man may be 29314most happily married and continue in that state with the utmost contentment, 29315it does not necessarily follow that he has therefore been struck stone-blind. 29316 -- H. Warner Munn 29317% 29318It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is 29319thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have 29320drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell. 29321 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 29322% 29323It has been said [by Anatole France], "it is not by amusing oneself 29324that one learns," and, in reply: "it is *____only* by amusing oneself that 29325one can learn." 29326 -- Edward Kasner and James R. Newman 29327% 29328It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have 29329been searching for evidence which could support this. 29330 -- Bertrand Russell 29331% 29332It has been said that Public Relations is the art of winning friends 29333and getting people under the influence. 29334 -- Jeremy Tunstall 29335% 29336It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. 29337% 29338It has long been an article of our folklore that too much knowledge or skill, 29339or especially consummate expertise, is a bad thing. It dehumanizes those who 29340achieve it, and makes difficult their commerce with just plain folks, in whom 29341good old common sense has not been obliterated by mere book learning or fancy 29342notions. This popular delusion flourishes now more than ever, for we are all 29343infected with it in the schools, where educationists have elevated it from 29344folklore to Article of Belief. It enhances their self-esteem and lightens 29345their labors by providing theoretical justification for deciding that 29346appreciation, or even simple awareness, is more to be prized than knowledge, 29347and relating (to self and others), more than skill, in which minimum 29348competence will be quite enough. 29349 -- The Underground Grammarian 29350% 29351It has long been an axiom of mine that the 29352little things are infinitely the most important. 29353 -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Case of Identity" 29354% 29355It has long been known that birds will occasionally build nests in the 29356manes of horses. The only known solution to this problem is to sprinkle 29357baker's yeast in the mane, for, as we all know, yeast is yeast and nest 29358is nest, and never the mane shall tweet. 29359% 29360It has long been known that one horse can run faster 29361than another -- but which one? Differences are crucial. 29362 -- Lazarus Long 29363% 29364It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of 29365indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury 29366is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim 29367of infanticide. 29368 -- Edmond About 29369% 29370It is a hard matter, my fellow citizens, 29371to argue with the belly, since it has no ears. 29372 -- Marcus Porcius Cato 29373% 29374It is a lesson which all history teaches 29375wise men, to put trust in ideas, and not in circumstances. 29376 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 29377% 29378It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize. 29379% 29380It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish. 29381 -- Aeschylus 29382% 29383It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was 29384my age, he had been dead for 2 years. 29385 -- Tom Lehrer 29386% 29387It is a very humbling experience to make a multimillion-dollar mistake, but 29388it is also very memorable. I vividly recall the night we decided how to 29389organize the actual writing of external specifications for OS/360. The 29390manager of architecture, the manager of control program implementation, and 29391I were threshing out the plan, schedule, and division of responsibilities. 29392 The architecture manager had 10 good men. He asserted that they 29393could write the specifications and do it right. It would take ten months, 29394three more than the schedule allowed. 29395 The control program manager had 150 men. He asserted that they 29396could prepare the specifications, with the architecture team coordinating; 29397it would be well-done and practical, and he could do it on schedule. 29398Furthermore, if the architecture team did it, his 150 men would sit twiddling 29399their thumbs for ten months. 29400 To this the architecture manager responded that if I gave the control 29401program team the responsibility, the result would not in fact be on time, 29402but would also be three months late, and of much lower quality. I did, and 29403it was. He was right on both counts. Moreover, the lack of conceptual 29404integrity made the system far more costly to build and change, and I would 29405estimate that it added a year to debugging time. 29406 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month" 29407% 29408It is a wise father that knows his own child. 29409 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" 29410% 29411It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to program. 29412What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in organizing 29413thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be self-critical? 29414 -- Alan J. Perlis 29415% 29416It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of 29417Urbana, Illinois. 29418% 29419It is all right to hold a conversation, 29420but you should let go of it now and then. 29421 -- Richard Armour 29422% 29423It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of course, 29424you are an exceptionally good liar. 29425 -- Jerome K. Jerome 29426% 29427It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness. 29428% 29429It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a 29430pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the 29431sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color. 29432 -- Voltaire 29433% 29434It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what 29435they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed 29436that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so 29437much -- the wheel, New York wars and so on -- whilst all the dolphins 29438had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But 29439conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more 29440intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons. 29441 29442Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending 29443destruction of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to 29444alert mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were 29445misinterpreted ... 29446 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 29447% 29448It is annoying to be honest to no purpose. 29449 -- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid) 29450% 29451It is bad luck to be superstitious. 29452 -- Andrew W. Mathis 29453% 29454[It is] best to confuse only one issue at a time. 29455 -- K&R 29456% 29457It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be 29458coming up it. 29459 -- Henry Allen 29460% 29461It is better never to have been born. But who among us has such luck? 29462One in a million, perhaps. 29463% 29464It is better to be bow-legged than no-legged. 29465% 29466It is better to be on penicillin, than never to have loved at all. 29467% 29468It is better to burn out than it is to rust. 29469% 29470It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees. 29471% 29472It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same. 29473% 29474It is better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall. 29475% 29476It is better to have loved and lost -- much better. 29477% 29478It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost. 29479% 29480It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark. 29481% 29482It is better to live rich than to die rich. 29483 -- Samuel Johnson 29484% 29485It is better to remain childless than to father an orphan. 29486% 29487It is better to travel hopefully than to fly Continental. 29488% 29489It is better to wear chains than to believe you are free, 29490and weight yourself down with invisible chains. 29491% 29492It is better to wear out than to rust out. 29493% 29494It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three 29495benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never 29496to use either. 29497 -- Mark Twain 29498% 29499It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, 29500admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something. 29501 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt 29502% 29503It is contrary to reasoning to say that there 29504is a vacuum or space in which there is absolutely nothing. 29505 -- Rene Descartes 29506% 29507It is convenient that there be gods, and, 29508as it is convenient, let us believe there are. 29509 -- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid) 29510% 29511It is dangerous for a national candidate to say things that people might 29512remember. 29513 -- Eugene McCarthy 29514% 29515It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary 29516depends upon his not understanding it. 29517 -- Upton Sinclair 29518% 29519It is difficult to legislate morality in the absence of moral legislators. 29520% 29521It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both 29522incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by 29523twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. 29524 -- Rod Serling 29525% 29526It is difficult to soar with the eagles when you work with turkeys. 29527% 29528It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is 29529lightly greased. 29530 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 29531% 29532It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its 29533proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community 29534a better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to 29535treat your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the 29536focus of attention, the harder the task. 29537 -- Sydney J. Harris 29538% 29539It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa. 29540% 29541It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. 29542 -- Alfred Adler 29543% 29544It is easier to make a saint out of a libertine than out of a prig. 29545 -- George Santayana 29546% 29547It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end. 29548 -- Leonardo da Vinci 29549% 29550It is easier to run down a hill than up one. 29551% 29552It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one. 29553% 29554It is easy when we are in prosperity to give advice to the afflicted. 29555 -- Aeschylus 29556% 29557It is enough to make one sympathize with a tyrant for the determination 29558of his courtiers to deceive him for their own personal ends... 29559 -- Russell Baker and Charles Peters 29560% 29561It is equally bad when one speeds on the guest unwilling to go, and when he 29562holds back one who is hastening. Rather one should befriend the guest who 29563is there, but speed him when he wishes. 29564 -- Homer, "The Odyssey" 29565 29566 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 29567 referring to scheduling.] 29568% 29569It is exactly because a man cannot do a 29570thing that he is a proper judge of it. 29571 -- Oscar Wilde 29572% 29573It is explained that all relationships require a little give and take. This 29574is untrue. Any partnership demands that we give and give and give and at the 29575last, as we flop into our graves exhausted, we are told that we didn't give 29576enough. 29577 -- Quentin Crisp, "How to Become a Virgin" 29578% 29579It is far better to be deceived than to be undeceived by those we love. 29580% 29581It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities 29582without your help. 29583 -- Miss Manners 29584% 29585It is Fortune, not Wisdom, that rules man's life. 29586% 29587It is fruitless: 29588 to become lachrymose over precipitately departed lactate fluid. 29589 29590 to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with 29591 innovative maneuvers. 29592% 29593It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because 29594if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people. 29595 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" 29596% 29597It is hard to predict, in particular about the future. 29598 -- Robert Storm Petersen 29599% 29600It is idle to attempt to talk a young woman out of her passion: 29601love does not lie in the ear. 29602 -- Walpole 29603% 29604It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood 29605Boulevard at one time. 29606% 29607It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia. 29608% 29609It is imperative when flying coach that you restrain any tendency toward 29610the vividly imaginative. For although it may momentarily appear to be the 29611case, it is not at all likely that the cabin is entirely inhabited by 29612crying babies smoking inexpensive domestic cigars. 29613 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 29614% 29615It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly surprised. 29616% 29617It is impossible to defend perfectly 29618against the attack of those who want to die. 29619% 29620It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly 29621unless one has plenty of work to do. 29622 -- Jerome Klapka Jerome 29623% 29624It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry 29625a tune. 29626 -- Woody Allen 29627% 29628It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so 29629ingenious. 29630% 29631It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not 29632desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off. 29633 -- Woody Allen 29634% 29635IT IS IN PROCESS: 29636 So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless. 29637% 29638It is indeed desirable to be well descended, 29639but the glory belongs to our ancestors. 29640 -- Plutarch 29641% 29642It is like saying that for the cause of peace, 29643God and the Devil will have a high-level meeting. 29644 -- Rev. Carl McIntire, on Nixon's China trip 29645% 29646It is most dangerous nowadays for a husband to pay any attention to his 29647wife in public. It always makes people think that he beats her when 29648they're alone. The world has grown so suspicious of anything that looks 29649like a happy married life. 29650 -- Oscar Wilde 29651% 29652It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our 29653offense consists in doubting it. 29654 -- Justice Robert H. Jackson 29655% 29656It is much easier to be critical than to be correct. 29657 -- Benjamin Disraeli 29658% 29659It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the 29660problem. 29661% 29662It is much harder to find a job than to keep one. 29663% 29664It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be 29665privileged to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to 29666corrupt the youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles. 29667 -- George Bernard Shaw 29668% 29669It is no wonder that people are so horrible when they start life as children. 29670 -- Kingsley Amis 29671% 29672It is not a good omen when goldfish commit suicide. 29673% 29674It is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to do, 29675that makes life blessed. 29676 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 29677% 29678It is not enough that I should succeed. Others must fail. 29679 -- Ray Kroc, founder of McDonald's 29680 [Also attributed to David Merrick. Ed.] 29681 29682It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail. 29683 -- Gore Vidal 29684 [Great minds think alike? Ed.] 29685% 29686It is not enough to have a good mind. 29687The main thing is to use it well. 29688 -- Rene Descartes 29689% 29690It is not enough to have great qualities, 29691we should also have the management of them. 29692 -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld 29693% 29694It is not every question that deserves an answer. 29695 -- Publilius Syrus 29696% 29697It is not for me to attempt to fathom the 29698inscrutable workings of Providence. 29699 -- The Earl of Birkenhead 29700% 29701It is not good for a man to be without knowledge, 29702and he who makes haste with his feet misses his way. 29703 -- Proverbs 19:2 29704% 29705It is not necessary to inquire whether a woman would like something for 29706dessert. The answer is yes, she would like something for dessert, but 29707she would like you to order it so she can pick at it with your fork. She 29708does not want you to call attention to this by saying, "If you wanted a 29709dessert, why didn't you order one?" You must understand, she has the 29710dessert she wants. The dessert she wants is contained within yours. 29711 -- Merrill Marcoe, "An Insider's Guide to the American Woman" 29712% 29713It is not that polar co-ordinates are complicated, it is simply 29714that Cartesian co-ordinates are simpler than they have a right to be. 29715 -- Kleppner & Kolenhow, "An Introduction to Mechanics" 29716% 29717It is not the critic who counts, or how the strong man stumbled, or whether 29718the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the 29719man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and 29720blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again; who 29721knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, and who spends himself in a 29722worthy cause, and if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that 29723he'll never be with those cold and timid souls who never know either victory 29724or defeat. 29725 -- Teddy Roosevelt 29726% 29727It is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it's one 29728damn thing over and over. 29729 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay 29730% 29731It is November first 1940; in the famous sound stage of THE WIZARD OF OZ on 29732the MGM lot, a little man is lying face-up on the yellow brick road. His 29733wide eyes stare upward into the blinding stage lights. He is wearing a 29734kind of comic soldier's uniform with a yellow coat and puffy sleeves and 29735big fez-like blue and yellow hat with a feather on top. His yellow hair 29736and beard are the phony straw color of Hollywood. He could pass for some 29737kind of cute in the typical tinsel-town way if it wasn't for the knife 29738sticking out of his chest. *Someone had murdered a Munchkin.* 29739 -- Stuart Kaminsky, "Murder on the Yellow Brick Road" 29740% 29741It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is? 29742 -- Elizabeth Carpenter 29743% 29744It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit. 29745% 29746It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort 29747to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics and 29748chemistry. 29749 -- H. L. Mencken 29750% 29751It is often easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission. 29752 -- Grace Murray Hopper 29753% 29754It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that 29755virginity could be a virtue. 29756 -- Voltaire 29757% 29758It is one thing to praise discipline, and another to submit to it. 29759 -- Cervantes 29760% 29761It is only by risking our persons from one hour to another that we live 29762at all. And often enough our faith beforehand in an uncertified result 29763is the only thing that makes the result come true. 29764 -- William James 29765% 29766It is only people of small moral stature who have to stand on their 29767dignity. 29768% 29769It is only the great men who are truly obscene. If they had not dared 29770to be obscene, they could never have dared to be great. 29771 -- Havelock Ellis 29772% 29773It is only with the heart one can see clearly; 29774what is essential is invisible to the eye. 29775 -- The Fox, "The Little Prince" 29776% 29777It is perfectly permissible for every system call to fail with [ENOTADUCK] 29778unless the first five bytes of the caller's address space contain the 29779word "quack". 29780 -- Garrett Wollman 29781% 29782It is possible by ingenuity and at the expense of clarity... {to do almost 29783anything in any language}. However, the fact that it is possible to push 29784a pea up a mountain with your nose does not mean that this is a sensible 29785way of getting it there. Each of these techniques of language extension 29786should be used in its proper place. 29787 -- Christopher Strachey 29788% 29789It is possible that blondes also prefer gentlemen. 29790 -- Maimie Van Doren 29791% 29792It is practically impossible to teach good programming to students that 29793have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are 29794mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration. 29795 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 29796% 29797It is ridiculous to call this an industry. This is not. This is rat eat 29798rat, dog eat dog. I'll kill 'em, and I'm going to kill 'em before they 29799kill me. You're talking about the American way of survival of the fittest. 29800 -- Ray Kroc, founder of McDonald's 29801% 29802It is right that he too should have his little chronicle, his memories, 29803his reason, and be able to recognize the good in the bad, the bad in the 29804worst, and so grow gently old all down the unchanging days and die one 29805day like any other day, only shorter. 29806 -- Samuel Beckett, "Malone Dies" 29807% 29808It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a 29809sentence to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate 29810in all times and situations. They presented him the words: "And this, 29811too, shall pass away." 29812 -- Abraham Lincoln 29813% 29814It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the 29815lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as 29816high as the eagle? 29817% 29818It is so soon that I am done for, I wonder what I was begun for. 29819 -- Epitaph, Cheltenham Churchyard 29820% 29821It is so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the 29822devil when he is the only explanation of it. 29823 -- Ronald Knox, "Let Dons Delight" 29824% 29825It is so very hard to be an on-your-own-take-care-of- 29826yourself-because-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you grown up. 29827% 29828It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a 29829statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious 29830to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look, 29831which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the day, that is the 29832highest of arts. Every man is tasked to make his life, even in its details, 29833worthy of the contemplation of his most elevated and critical hour. 29834 -- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live" 29835% 29836It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion. 29837 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 29838% 29839It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad 29840crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed 29841until the other has gone. 29842% 29843It is the business of little minds to shrink. 29844 -- Carl Sandburg 29845% 29846It is the business of the future to be dangerous. 29847 -- Hawkwind 29848% 29849It is the nature of extreme self-lovers, as they will 29850set a house on fire, and it were but to roast their eggs. 29851 -- Francis Bacon 29852% 29853It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters. 29854 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca 29855% 29856It is the wisdom of crocodiles, that shed tears when they would devour. 29857 -- Francis Bacon 29858% 29859It is the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree. 29860% 29861It is through symbols that man consciously or unconsciously 29862lives, works and has his being. 29863 -- Thomas Carlyle 29864% 29865It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for 29866five straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity. But 29867it takes Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you. 29868% 29869It is up to us to produce better-quality movies. 29870 -- Lloyd Kaufman, 29871 producer of "Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator" 29872% 29873It is very vulgar to talk like a dentist when one isn't a dentist. 29874It produces a false impression. 29875 -- Oscar Wilde 29876% 29877It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure. 29878 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 29879% 29880It is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final. 29881 -- Roger Babson 29882% 29883It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire. 29884 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 29885% 29886It isn't easy being a Friday kind of person in a Monday kind of world. 29887% 29888It isn't easy being green. 29889 -- Kermit the Frog 29890% 29891It isn't easy being the parent of a six-year-old. However, it's a pretty 29892small price to pay for having somebody around the house who understands 29893computers. 29894% 29895It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be 29896unhappy. 29897 -- Groucho Marx 29898% 29899It isn't whether you win or lose, it's how much money you end up with. 29900 -- Jack T. Shakespeare 29901% 29902It just doesn't seem right to go over the river and through the woods 29903to Grandmother's condo. 29904% 29905It looked like something resembling white marble, which was 29906probably what it was: something resembling white marble. 29907 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 29908% 29909It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out. 29910% 29911It looks like it's up to me to save our skins. 29912Get into that garbage chute, flyboy! 29913 -- Princess Leia Organa 29914% 29915IT MAKES ME MAD when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about 29916a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw 29917that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish." 29918 29919Sure they eat fish if that's all you give them! Man, wise up. 29920 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 29921% 29922It [marriage] happens as with cages: the birds without despair 29923to get in, and those within despair of getting out. 29924 -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne 29925% 29926It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether *I* win 29927or lose. 29928 -- Darrin Weinberg 29929% 29930It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too 29931good either if you speak when your head is empty. 29932% 29933It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is 29934better still to be a live lion. And usually easier. 29935 -- Lazarus Long 29936% 29937It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a 29938warning to others. 29939% 29940It may or may not be worthwhile, but it still has to be done. 29941% 29942It must be remembered that there is nothing more difficult to plan, more 29943doubtful of success, nor more dangerous to manage, than the creation of 29944a new system. For the initiator has the enmity of all who would profit 29945by the preservation of the old institutions and merely lukewarm defenders 29946in those who would gain by the new ones. 29947 -- Niccolo Machiavelli, 1513 29948% 29949It must have been some unmarried fool that said "A child can ask questions 29950that a wise man cannot answer"; because, in any decent house, a brat that 29951starts asking questions is promptly packed off to bed. 29952 -- Arthur Binstead 29953% 29954It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father. 29955% 29956It occurred to me lately that nothing has occurred to me lately. 29957% 29958It pays in England to be a revolutionary and a bible-smacker most of 29959one's life and then come round. 29960 -- Lord Alfred Douglas 29961% 29962It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety. 29963% 29964It proves what they say, give the public what they want to see and 29965they'll come out for it. 29966 -- Red Skelton, surveying the funeral of Hollywood 29967 mogul Harry Cohn 29968% 29969It runs like _x, where _x is something unsavory. 29970 -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435 29971% 29972It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones 29973slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much 29974more. 29975 -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects" 29976% 29977It seems a little silly now, but this country 29978was founded as a protest against taxation. 29979% 29980It seems appropriate to me that Mapplethorpe's perverse images should 29981be situated so close to Congress, which perpetuates a number of 29982unnatural acts upon the body politic every day, without benefit of 29983artificial lubrication or foreplay. 29984 -- Pat Calafia's review of Camille Paglia's 29985 "Sex, Art and American Culture" 29986% 29987It seems intuitively obvious to me, which means that it might be wrong. 29988 -- Chris Torek 29989% 29990It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the 29991flag. 29992% 29993It seems that more and more mathematicians are using a new, high level 29994language named "research student". 29995% 29996It seems to make an auto driver mad if he misses you. 29997% 29998It seems to me that nearly every woman I know wants a man who knows how 29999to love with authority. Women are simple souls who like simple things, 30000and one of the simplest is one of the simplest to give. ... Our family 30001airedale will come clear across the yard for one pat on the head. The 30002average wife is like that. 30003 -- Episcopal Bishop James Pike 30004% 30005It shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the 30006municipality. 30007 -- Local ordinance, Euclid Ohio 30008% 30009It so happens that everything that is stupid is not unconstitutional. 30010 -- Supreme Court Justice Antonio Scalia 30011% 30012It takes a smart husband to have the last word and not use it. 30013% 30014It takes a special kind of courage to face what we all have to face. 30015% 30016It takes all kinds to fill the freeways. 30017 -- Crazy Charlie 30018% 30019It takes both a weapon, and two people, to commit a murder. 30020% 30021It takes less time to do a thing right 30022than it does to explain why you did it wrong. 30023 -- H. W. Longfellow 30024% 30025It takes two to tell the truth: one to speak and one to hear. 30026% 30027It took a while to surface, but it appears that a long-distance credit card 30028may have saved a U.S. Army unit from heavy casualties during the Grenada 30029military rescue/invasion. Major General David Nichols, Air Force ... said 30030the Army unit was in a house surrounded by Cuban forces. One soldier found 30031a telephone and, using his credit card, called Ft. Bragg, N.C., telling Army 30032officers there of the perilous situation. The officers in turn called the 30033Air Force, which sent in gunships to scatter the Cubans and relieve the unit. 30034 -- Aviation Week and Space Technology 30035% 30036It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, 30037but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous. 30038 -- Robert Benchley 30039% 30040It turned out that the worm exploited three or four different holes in the 30041system. From this, and the fact that we were able to capture and examine 30042some of the source code, we realized that we were dealing with someone very 30043sharp, probably not someone here on campus. 30044 -- Dr. Richard LeBlanc, associate professor of ICS, in 30045 Georgia Tech's campus newspaper after the Internet worm. 30046% 30047It used to be the fun was in 30048The capture and kill. 30049In another place and time 30050I did it all for thrills. 30051 -- Lust to Love 30052% 30053It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. 30054 -- Mark Twain 30055% 30056It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead. 30057% 30058It was a brave man that ate the first oyster. 30059% 30060It was a fine, sweet night, the nicest since my divorce, maybe the nicest 30061since the middle of my marriage. There was energy, softness, grace and 30062laughter. I even took my socks off. In my circle, that means class. 30063 -- Andrew Bergman "The Big Kiss-off of 1944" 30064% 30065It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country. The Greeks 30066never said it was sweet to die for anything. They had no vital lies. 30067 -- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way" 30068% 30069It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set 30070foot. 30071% 30072It was all so different before everything changed. 30073% 30074It was kinda like stuffing the wrong card in a computer, 30075when you're stickin' those artificial stimulants in your arm. 30076 -- Dion, noted computer scientist 30077% 30078It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a 30079breeze was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was 30080broken ... 30081 -- James Dent 30082% 30083It was one time too many 30084One word too few 30085It was all too much for me and you 30086There was one way to go 30087Nothing more we could do 30088One time too many 30089One word too few 30090 -- Meredith Tanner 30091% 30092It was Penguin lust... at its ugliest. 30093% 30094It was pity stayed his hand. "Pity I don't have any more bullets," 30095thought Frito. 30096 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 30097% 30098It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps 30099I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I 30100don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and 30101the signature (which I guessed at). There's a singular and a perpetual 30102charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its 30103novelty. Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but 30104yours are kept forever -- unread. One of them will last a reasonable 30105man a lifetime. 30106 -- Thomas Aldrich 30107% 30108It was raining heavily, and the motorist had car trouble on a lonely country 30109road. Anxious to find shelter for the night, he walked over to a farmhouse 30110and knocked on the front door. No one responded. He could feel the water 30111from the roof running down the back of his neck as he stood on the stoop. 30112The next time he knocked louder, but still no answer. By now he was soaked 30113to the skin. Desperately he pounded on the door. At last the head of a 30114man appeared out of an upstairs window. 30115 "What do you want?" he asked gruffly. 30116 "My car broke down," said the traveler, "and I want to know if you 30117would let me stay here for the night." 30118 "Sure," replied the man. "If you want to stay there all night, it's 30119okay with me." 30120% 30121It was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline. 30122Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top. 30123 -- Hunter S. Thompson 30124% 30125It was wonderful to find America, but it 30126would have been more wonderful to miss it. 30127 -- Mark Twain 30128% 30129It wasn't exactly a divorce -- I was traded. 30130 -- Tim Conway 30131% 30132It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly. 30133It was more like the rose and the teeth were in the same glass. 30134% 30135It will be advantageous to cross the great stream ... the Dragon is on 30136the wing in the Sky ... the Great Man rouses himself to his Work. 30137% 30138It will be generally found that those who sneer habitually at human 30139nature and affect to despise it, are among its worst and least pleasant 30140examples. 30141 -- Charles Dickens 30142% 30143It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing 30144warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or 30145two things still safe to eat. 30146 -- Robert Fuoss 30147% 30148It would be nice to be sure of anything 30149the way some people are of everything. 30150% 30151It would save me a lot of time if you just gave up and went mad now. 30152% 30153Italic, adj.: 30154 Slanted to the right to emphasize key phrases. Unique to 30155 Western alphabets; in Eastern languages, the same phrases 30156 are often slanted to the left. 30157% 30158It'll be a nice world if they ever get it finished. 30159% 30160It'll be just like Beggars Canyon back home. 30161 -- Luke Skywalker 30162% 30163It's a .88 magnum -- it goes through schools. 30164 -- Danny Vermin 30165% 30166It's a brave man who, when things are at their darkest, can kick back 30167and party! 30168 -- Dennis Quaid, "Inner Space" 30169% 30170It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word. 30171 -- Andrew Jackson 30172% 30173It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear. 30174 -- Cheers 30175% 30176It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for. 30177% 30178It's a naive, domestic operating system without any 30179breeding, but I think you'll be amused by its presumption. 30180% 30181It's a poor workman who blames his tools. 30182% 30183It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression 30184when you lose yours. 30185 -- Harry S. Truman 30186% 30187It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. 30188 -- Steven Wright 30189% 30190It's a very *__UN*lucky week in which to be took dead. 30191 -- Churchy La Femme 30192% 30193It's all in the mind, ya know. 30194% 30195It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back. 30196 -- Mick Jagger 30197% 30198It's all so painfully empty and lonesome... I don't think I can stand 30199any more of it... the whole dreadful way we are born, die, and are 30200never missed. The fact there is *nobody*... nobody really... We come 30201out of a yawning tomb of flesh and sink back finally into another tomb. 30202What is the point of it all? Who thought up this sickening circle of 30203flesh and blood? We come into the world bleeding and cut and our bones 30204half-crushed only to emerge and suffer more torment, mutilation, and 30205then at the last lie down in some hole in the ground forever. Who could 30206have thought it up, I wonder? 30207 -- James Purdy 30208% 30209It's always a long day; 86400 doesn't fit into a short. 30210% 30211It's always darkest just before it gets pitch black. 30212% 30213It's amazing how many people you could be friends 30214with if only they'd make the first approach. 30215% 30216It's amazing how much better you feel once you've given up hope. 30217% 30218It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired. 30219% 30220It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away. 30221 -- Michael Arlen 30222% 30223It's bad enough that life is a rat-race, 30224but why do the rats always have to win? 30225% 30226It's better to be quotable than to be honest. 30227 -- Tom Stoppard 30228% 30229It's better to be wanted for murder than not to be wanted at all. 30230 -- Marty Winch 30231% 30232It's better to burn out than to fade away. 30233% 30234It's business doing pleasure with you. 30235% 30236It's clever, but is it art? 30237% 30238It's difficult to see the picture when you are inside the frame. 30239% 30240"It's easier said than done." 30241 30242... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than 30243said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than 30244said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than 30245done". 30246% 30247It's easier to be a liberal a long way from home. 30248 -- Don Price 30249% 30250It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for 30251being right. 30252% 30253It's easier to take it apart than to put it back together. 30254 -- Washlesky 30255% 30256It's easy to forgive someone for being wrong; 30257it's much harder to forgive them for being right. 30258% 30259It's easy to make a friend. What's hard is to make a stranger. 30260% 30261It's fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an hour! 30262 -- Macy's 30263% 30264Its failings notwithstanding, there is much to be said in favor of journalism 30265in that by giving us the opinion of the uneducated, it keeps us in touch with 30266the ignorance of the community. 30267 -- Oscar Wilde 30268% 30269It's faster horses, 30270Younger women, 30271Older whiskey and 30272More money. 30273 -- Tom T. Hall, "The Secret of Life" 30274% 30275It's from Casablanca. I've been waiting all my life to use that line. 30276 -- Woody Allen, "Play It Again, Sam" 30277% 30278It's getting uncommonly easy to kill people in large numbers, and the 30279first thing a principle does -- if it really is a principle -- is to 30280kill somebody. 30281 -- Dorothy Sayers 30282% 30283It's gonna be alright, 30284It's almost midnight, 30285And I've got two more bottles of wine. 30286% 30287It's hard not to like a man of many qualities, 30288even if most of them are bad. 30289% 30290It's hard to argue that God hated Oklahoma. 30291If He didn't, why is it so close to Texas? 30292% 30293It's hard to be humble when you're perfect. 30294% 30295It's hard to drive at the limit, but 30296it's harder to know where the limits are. 30297 -- Stirling Moss 30298% 30299It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa. 30300 -- Groucho Marx 30301% 30302It's hard to keep your shirt on when 30303you're getting something off your chest. 30304% 30305It's hard to outrun dead people because they don't have to breathe. 30306 -- Hokey, describing "Night of the Living Dead" 30307% 30308It's hard to think of you as the end 30309result of millions of years of evolution. 30310% 30311It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse. 30312% 30313It's important that people know what you stand for. 30314It's more important that they know what you won't stand for. 30315% 30316It's interesting to think that many quite 30317distinguished people have bodies similar to yours. 30318% 30319It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is. 30320If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't 30321our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs. 30322 -- Oxford University Press, "Edpress News" 30323% 30324It's just a jump to the left 30325 And then a step to the right. 30326Put your hands on your hips 30327 You bring your knees in tight. 30328But it's the pelvic thrust 30329 That really drives you insa-a-a-a-a-ane! 30330 30331 LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN! 30332 30333 -- Rocky Horror Picture Show 30334% 30335It's just apartment house rules, 30336So all you 'partment house fools 30337Remember: one man's ceiling is another man's floor. 30338One man's ceiling is another man's floor. 30339 -- Paul Simon, "One Man's Ceiling Is Another Man's Floor" 30340% 30341It's kind of fun to do the impossible. 30342 -- Walt Disney 30343% 30344It's later than you think. 30345% 30346It's later than you think, the joint 30347Russian-American space mission has already begun. 30348% 30349It's like deja vu all over again. 30350 -- Yogi Berra 30351% 30352It's Like This 30353 30354Even the samurai 30355have teddy bears, 30356and even the teddy bears 30357get drunk. 30358% 30359It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong 30360direction. 30361% 30362It's more than magnificent -- it's mediocre. 30363 -- Sam Goldwyn 30364% 30365It's multiple choice time... 30366 30367 What is FORTRAN? 30368 30369 a: Between thre and fiv tran. 30370 b: What two computers engage in before they interface. 30371 c: Ridiculous. 30372% 30373Its name is Public Opinion. It is held in reverence. 30374It settles everything. Some think it is the voice of God. 30375 -- Mark Twain 30376% 30377It's never too late to have a happy childhood. 30378% 30379It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding 30380a sickness you like. 30381 -- Jackie Mason 30382% 30383It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how 30384to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair. 30385 -- George Burns 30386% 30387It's no use crying over spilt milk -- it only makes it salty for the cat. 30388% 30389It's not against any religion to want to dispose of a pigeon. 30390 -- Tom Lehrer 30391% 30392It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. 30393 -- Phil White 30394% 30395It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either. 30396 -- Kevin White, Mayor of Boston 30397% 30398It's not easy being green. 30399 -- Kermit 30400% 30401It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too. 30402 -- Alexander Korda 30403% 30404It's not hard to admit errors that are [only] cosmetically wrong. 30405 -- J. K. Galbraith 30406% 30407It's not just a computer -- it's your ass. 30408 -- Cal Keegan 30409% 30410It's not reality or how you perceive things that's important -- it's 30411what you're taking for it... 30412% 30413It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things. 30414% 30415It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off 30416the ground. 30417 -- Daniel B. Luten 30418% 30419It's not that I'm afraid to die. 30420I just don't want to be there when it happens. 30421 -- Woody Allen 30422% 30423It's not the fall that kills you, it's the landing. 30424% 30425It's not the men in my life, but the life in my men that counts. 30426 -- Mae West 30427% 30428It's not the valleys in life I dread so much as the dips. 30429 -- Garfield 30430% 30431It's not whether you win or lose but how you played the game. 30432 -- Grantland Rice 30433% 30434It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you look playing the game. 30435% 30436It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame. 30437% 30438It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that 30439English is the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many 30440other languages "You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case. 30441 -- Sydney J. Harris 30442% 30443It's only by NOT taking the human race seriously that I retain 30444what fragments of my once considerable mental powers I still possess. 30445 -- Roger Noe 30446% 30447It's our fault. We should have given him better parts. 30448 -- Jack Warner, on hearing that Reagan had been 30449 elected governor of California. 30450 30451[Warner is also reported to have said, when told of Reagan's candidacy 30452for governor, "No, Jimmy Stewart for Governor; Reagan for best friend."] 30453% 30454It's possible that the whole purpose of your life is to serve 30455as a warning to others. 30456% 30457It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; 30458poverty and wealth have both failed. 30459 -- Kin Hubbard 30460% 30461It's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ... 30462% 30463It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles. 30464% 30465It's reassuring to know that if you behave strangely enough, 30466society will take full responsibility for you. 30467% 30468It's recently come to Fortune's attention that scientists have stopped 30469using laboratory rats in favor of attorneys. Seems that there are not 30470only more of them, but you don't get so emotionally attached. The only 30471difficulty is that it's sometimes difficult to apply the experimental 30472results to humans. 30473 30474 [Also, there are some things even a rat won't do. Ed.] 30475% 30476It's so beautifully arranged on the plate -- you know someone's fingers 30477have been all over it. 30478 -- Julia Child on nouvelle cuisine 30479% 30480It's so confusing choosing sides in the heat of the moment, 30481 just to see if it's real, 30482Oooh, it's so erotic having you tell me how it should feel, 30483But I'm avoiding all the hard cold facts that I got to face, 30484So ask me just one question when this magic night is through, 30485Could it have been just anyone or did it have to be you? 30486 -- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses" 30487% 30488It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten. 30489% 30490It's ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are? 30491% 30492It's the good girls who keep the diaries, the bad girls never have the time. 30493 -- Tallulah Bankhead 30494% 30495It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which raises 30496the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody not to. 30497 -- Franklin P. Jones 30498% 30499It's the same old story; boy meets beer, boy drinks beer... 30500boy gets another beer. 30501 -- Cheers 30502% 30503It's the thought, if any, that counts! 30504% 30505It's useless to try to hold some people to anything they say while they're 30506madly in love, drunk, or running for office. 30507% 30508It's very glamorous to raise millions of dollars, until it's time for the 30509venture capitalist to suck your eyeballs out. 30510 -- Peter Kennedy, chairman of Kraft & Kennedy 30511% 30512It's very inconvenient to be mortal -- you never 30513know when everything may suddenly stop happening. 30514% 30515IV. The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or 30516 equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to 30517 spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. 30518 Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it 30519 inevitably unsuccessful. 30520 V. All principles of gravity are negated by fear. 30521 Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel 30522 them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an 30523 adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to 30524 the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. 30525 The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding 30526 auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight. 30527VI. As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once. 30528 This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a 30529 character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of 30530 altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common 30531 as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A "wacky" 30532 character has the option of self-replication only at manic high 30533 speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required. 30534 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980 30535% 30536I've already told you more than I know. 30537% 30538I've always considered statesmen to be more expendable than soldiers. 30539% 30540I've always felt sorry for people that don't drink -- remember, 30541when they wake up, that's as good as they're gonna feel all day! 30542% 30543I've always made it a solemn practice to never 30544drink anything stronger than tequila before breakfast. 30545 -- R. Nesson 30546% 30547I've been in more laps than a napkin. 30548 -- Mae West 30549% 30550I've Been Moved! 30551% 30552I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks. 30553 -- Totie Fields 30554% 30555I've been on this lonely road so long, 30556Does anybody know where it goes, 30557I remember last time the signs pointed home, 30558A month ago. 30559 -- Carpenters, "Road Ode" 30560% 30561I've been there. 30562% 30563I've built a better model than the one at Data General 30564For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral 30565My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality; 30566My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality. 30567My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity, 30568You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity; 30569There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting; 30570My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting. 30571 30572I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point: 30573There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point, 30574Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral 30575I've built a better model than the one at Data General. 30576 30577 -- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song" (To the tune of 30578 "Modern Major General", from "Pirates of Penzance", 30579 by Gilbert & Sullivan) 30580% 30581I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand. 30582% 30583I've finally learned what "upward compatible" means. 30584It means we get to keep all our old mistakes. 30585 -- Dennie van Tassel 30586% 30587I've found my niche. If you're wondering why I'm not there, there was 30588this little hole in the bottom ... 30589 -- John Croll 30590% 30591I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself. 30592% 30593I've got a very bad feeling about this. 30594 -- Han Solo 30595% 30596I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock. 30597 -- Henny Youngman 30598% 30599I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. 30600 -- Groucho Marx 30601% 30602I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes 30603on the same day. 30604% 30605I've looked at the listing, and it's right! 30606 -- Joel Halpern 30607% 30608I've never been canoeing before, but I imagine there must 30609be just a few simple heuristics you have to remember... 30610 30611Yes, don't fall out, and don't hit rocks. 30612% 30613I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved. 30614 -- George Gobel 30615% 30616I've never been hurt by anything I didn't say. 30617 -- Calvin Coolidge 30618% 30619I've never had a problem with drugs; I've had problems with the police. 30620 -- Keith Richards 30621 30622I never turn blue in anyone's bathroom. I think that's the height of 30623bad taste. 30624 -- Keith Richards 30625% 30626I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother. 30627 -- W. C. Fields 30628% 30629I've noticed several design suggestions in your code. 30630% 30631I've only got 12 cards. 30632% 30633I've seen, I SAY, I've seen better heads on a mug of beer. 30634 -- Senator Claghorn 30635% 30636I've spent almost all of my life with highly intelligent men. They're not 30637like other men. Their spirit is great and stimulating. They hate strife; 30638indeed they reject it. Their inventive gifts are boundless. They demand 30639devotion and obedience. And a sense of humor. I happily gave all of this. 30640I was lucky to be chosen and clever enough to understand them. 30641 -- Marlene Dietrich, on her friendship with Ernest Hemingway 30642% 30643I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness; 30644And from that full meridian of my glory 30645I haste now to my setting. I shall fall, 30646Like a bright exhalation in the evening 30647And no man see me more. 30648 -- William Shakespeare 30649% 30650I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes 30651me claustrophobic, and the others either give me a stiff neck or lockjaw. 30652 -- Tallulah Bankhead 30653% 30654Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government: 30655 No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the 30656 legislature is in session. 30657% 30658jake hates 30659 all the girls(the 30660shy ones, the bold paul scorns all 30661ones; the meek the girls(the 30662proud sloppy sleek) bright ones, the dim 30663all except the cold ones; the slim 30664 ones plump tiny tall) 30665 all except the 30666 dull ones 30667gus loves all the 30668 girls(the 30669warped ones, the lamed mike likes all the girls 30670ones; the mad (the 30671moronic maimed) fat ones, the lean 30672all except ones; the mean 30673 the dead ones kind dirty clean) 30674 all 30675 except the green ones 30676 -- e. e. cummings 30677% 30678James Joyce -- an essentially private man who wished his total 30679indifference to public notice to be universally recognized. 30680 -- Tom Stoppard 30681% 30682James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother") failure in his 30683West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to remark in later life, 30684"If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a major general." 30685% 30686Jane and I got mixed up with a television show -- or as we call it back 30687east here: TV -- a clever contraction derived from the words Terrible 30688Vaudeville. However, it is our latest medium -- we call it a medium 30689because nothing's well done. It was discovered, I suppose you've heard, 30690by a man named Fulton Berle, and it has already revolutionized social 30691grace by cutting down parlour conversation to two sentences: "What's on 30692television?" and "Good night". 30693 -- Goodman Ace, letter to Groucho Marx, in The Groucho 30694 Letters, 1967 30695% 30696Japan, n.: 30697 A fictional place where elves, gnomes and economic imperialists 30698 create electronic equipment and computers using black magic. It 30699 is said that in the capital city of Akihabara, the streets are 30700 paved with gold and semiconductor chips grow on low bushes from 30701 which they are harvested by the happy natives. 30702% 30703Jealousy is all the fun you think they have. 30704% 30705Jenkinson's Law: 30706 It won't work. 30707% 30708Jim, it's Grace at the bank. I checked your Christmas Club account. 30709You don't have five-hundred dollars. You have fifty. Sorry, computer foul-up! 30710% 30711Jim, it's Jack. I'm at the airport. I'm going to Tokyo and wanna pay 30712you the five-hundred I owe you. Catch you next year when I get back! 30713% 30714Jim Nasium's Law: 30715 In a large locker room with hundreds of lockers, the few people 30716 using the facility at any one time will all have lockers next to 30717 each other so that everybody is cramped. 30718% 30719Jim, this is Janelle. I'm flying tonight, so I can't make our date, and 30720I gotta find a safe place for Daffy. He loves you, Jim! It's only two 30721days, and you'll see. Great Danes are no problem! 30722% 30723Jim, this is Matty down at Ralph's and Mark's. Some guy named Angel 30724Martin just ran up a fifty buck bar tab. And now he wants to charge it 30725to you. You gonna pay it? 30726% 30727JOB INTERVIEW: 30728 The excruciating process during which personnel officers 30729 separate the wheat from the chaff -- then hire the chaff. 30730% 30731Job Placement, n.: 30732 Telling your boss what he can do with your job. 30733% 30734Joe Cool always spends the first two weeks at college sailing his Frisbee. 30735 -- Snoopy 30736% 30737Joe sat as his dying wife's bedside. 30738Her voice was little more than a whisper. 30739 "Joe, darling," she breathed, "I've got a confession to make 30740before I go. I ... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe... 30741I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Charles. And it was I who 30742forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported 30743your income-tax evasion to the I.R.S..." 30744 "That's all right, dearest, don't give it a second thought," 30745whispered Joe. "I'm the one who poisoned you." 30746% 30747Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes! 30748% 30749Jogger, n.: 30750 An odd sort of person with a thing for pain. 30751% 30752John Dame May Oscar 30753Was Gay Was Whitty Was Wilde 30754But Gerard Hopkins But John Greenleaf But Thornton 30755Was Manley Was Whittier Was Wilder 30756 -- Willard Espy 30757% 30758JOHN PAUL ELECTED POPE!! 30759 30760(George and Ringo miffed.) 30761% 30762John the Baptist after poisoning a thief, 30763Looks up at his hero, the Commander-in-Chief, 30764Saying tell me great leader, but please make it brief 30765Is there a hole for me to get sick in? 30766The Commander-in-Chief answers him while chasing a fly, 30767Saying death to all those who would whimper and cry. 30768And dropping a barbell he points to the sky, 30769Saying the sun is not yellow, it's chicken. 30770 -- Bob Dylan, "Tombstone Blues" 30771% 30772Johnny Carson's Definition: 30773 The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs 30774 in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the 30775 taxi driver behind you blowing his horn. 30776% 30777Johnson's First Law: 30778 When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the 30779 most inconvenient possible time. 30780% 30781Johnson's law: 30782 Systems resemble the organizations that create them. 30783% 30784Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called "Bureaucracy". 30785Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do anything loses. 30786% 30787Join the army, see the world, meet interesting, 30788exciting people, and kill them. 30789% 30790Join the march to save individuality! 30791% 30792Join the Navy; sail to far-off exotic lands, 30793meet exciting interesting people, and kill them. 30794% 30795Jones' First Law: 30796 Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of 30797 endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an 30798 obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the 30799 importance of their original contribution. 30800% 30801Jone's Motto: 30802 Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate. 30803% 30804Jones' Second Law: 30805 The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone 30806 to blame it on. 30807% 30808Joshu: What is the true Way? 30809Nansen: Every way is the true Way. 30810J: Can I study it? 30811N: The more you study, the further from the Way. 30812J: If I don't study it, how can I know it? 30813N: The Way does not belong to things seen: nor to things unseen. 30814 It does not belong to things known: nor to things unknown. Do 30815 not seek it, study it, or name it. To find yourself on it, open 30816 yourself as wide as the sky. 30817% 30818Journalism is literature in a hurry. 30819 -- Matthew Arnold 30820% 30821Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you're at it. 30822% 30823Juall's Law on Nice Guys: 30824 Nice guys don't always finish last; sometimes they don't finish. 30825 Sometimes they don't even get a chance to start! 30826% 30827Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that 30828reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away 30829someone else's cash. 30830 -- P. G. Wodehouse, "Louder and Funnier" 30831% 30832Just a few of the perfect excuses for having some strawberry shortcake. 30833Pick one. 30834 308351: It's less calories than two pieces of strawberry shortcake. 308362: It's cheaper than going to France. 308373: It neutralizes the brownies I had yesterday. 308384: Life is short. 308395: It's somebody's birthday. I don't want them to celebrate alone. 308406: It matches my eyes. 308417: Whoever said, "Let them eat cake." must have been talking to me. 308428: To punish myself for eating dessert yesterday. 308439: Compensation for all the time I spend in the shower not eating. 3084410: Strawberry shortcake is evil. I must help rid the world of it. 3084511: I'm getting weak from eating all that healthy stuff. 3084612: It's the second anniversary of the night I ate plain broccoli. 30847% 30848Just a song before I go, Going through security 30849To whom it may concern, I held her for so long. 30850Traveling twice the speed of sound She finally looked at me in love, 30851It's easy to get burned. And she was gone. 30852When the shows were over Just a song before I go, 30853We had to get back home, A lesson to be learned. 30854And when we opened up the door Traveling twice the speed of sound 30855I had to be alone. It's easy to get burned. 30856She helped me with my suitcase, 30857She stands before my eyes, 30858Driving me to the airport 30859And to the friendly skies. 30860 -- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Just a Song Before I Go" 30861% 30862Just about every computer on the market today runs Unix, except the Mac 30863(and nobody cares about it). 30864 -- Bill Joy 6/21/85 30865% 30866Just as I cannot remember any time when I could not read and write, I cannot 30867remember any time when I did not exercise my imagination in daydreams about 30868women. 30869 -- George Bernard Shaw 30870% 30871Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good 30872solutions seldom black or white. Beware of the solution that requires 30873one side to be totally the loser and the other side to be totally the 30874winner. The reason there are two sides to begin with usually is 30875because neither side has all the facts. Therefore, when the wise 30876mediator effects a compromise, he is not acting from political 30877motivation. Rather, he is acting from a deep sense of respect for the 30878whole truth. 30879 -- Stephen R. Schwambach 30880% 30881Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed. 30882 -- Irene Peter 30883% 30884Just because he's dead is no reason to lay off work. 30885% 30886Just because I turn down a contract on a guy doesn't mean he isn't 30887going to get hit. 30888 -- Joey 30889% 30890Just because the message may never be 30891received does not mean it is not worth sending. 30892% 30893Just because they are called "forbidden" transitions does not mean that they 30894are forbidden. They are less allowed than allowed transitions, if you see 30895what I mean. 30896 -- From a Part 2 Quantum Mechanics lecture 30897% 30898Just because you like my stuff doesn't mean I owe you anything. 30899 -- Bob Dylan 30900% 30901Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he 30902knows what it is. 30903% 30904Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you. 30905% 30906Just close your eyes, tap your heels together three times, 30907and think to yourself, "There's no place like home." 30908 -- Billie Burke as Glinda, "The Wizard of Oz" 30909% 30910Just give Alice some pencils and she will stay busy for hours. 30911% 30912Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you 30913get a prompt, type like hell. 30914% 30915Just how difficult it is to write biography can be reckoned by anybody 30916who sits down and considers just how many people know the real truth 30917about his or her love affairs. 30918 -- Rebecca West 30919% 30920Just machines to make big decisions, 30921Programmed by men for compassion and vision, 30922We'll be clean when their work is done, 30923We'll be eternally free, yes, eternally young, 30924What a beautiful world this will be, 30925What a glorious time to be free. 30926 -- Donald Fagon, "What A Beautiful World" 30927% 30928Just once, I wish we would encounter 30929an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets. 30930 -- The Brigadier, "Doctor Who" 30931% 30932Just out of curiosity does this actually mean something or have some 30933of the few remaining bits of your brain just evaporated? 30934 -- Patricia O Tuama, rissa@killer.DALLAS.TX.US 30935% 30936Just remember, it all started with a mouse. 30937 -- Walt Disney 30938% 30939Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to 30940twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty! 30941% 30942`Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried, 30943 As he landed his crew with care; 30944Supporting each man on the top of the tide 30945 By a finger entwined in his hair. 30946 30947`Just the place for a Snark! I have said it twice: 30948 That alone should encourage the crew. 30949Just the place for a Snark! I have said it thrice: 30950 What I tell you three times is true.' 30951 -- Lewis Carroll, "The Hunting of the Snark" 30952% 30953Just think -- blessed SCSI cables! Do a big enough sacrifice and create 30954a +5 blessed SCSI cable of connectivity. 30955 -- Lionel Lauer 30956% 30957Just to have it is enough. 30958% 30959Just weigh your own hurt against the hurt 30960of all the others, and then do what's best. 30961 -- Lovers and Other Strangers 30962% 30963Just what does "it" mean in the sentence, "What time is it?" 30964% 30965Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a 30966faster rat!!! 30967% 30968Just yesterday morning, they let me know you were gone, 30969Suzanne, the plans they made put an end to you, 30970I went out this morning and I wrote down this song, 30971Just can't remember who to send it to... 30972 30973Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain, 30974I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end, 30975I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend, 30976But I always thought that I'd see you again. 30977Thought I'd see you one more time again. 30978 -- James Taylor, "Fire and Rain" 30979% 30980Justice always prevails ... three times out of seven! 30981 -- Michael J. Wagner 30982% 30983Justice is incidental to law and order. 30984 -- J. Edgar Hoover 30985% 30986Justice, n.: 30987 A decision in your favor. 30988% 30989K: Cobalt's metal, hard and shining; 30990 Cobol's wordy and confining; 30991 KOBOLDS topple when you strike them; 30992 Don't feel bad, it's hard to like them. 30993 -- The Roguelet's ABC 30994% 30995Kafka's Law: 30996 In the fight between you and the world, back the world. 30997 -- Franz Kafka, "RS's 1974 Expectation of Days" 30998% 30999Kamikazes do it once. 31000% 31001KANSAS: 31002 Where the men are men and so are the women! 31003% 31004Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to 31005wear tail lights. 31006% 31007Karlson's Theorem of Snack Food Packages: 31008 31009For all P, where P is a package of snack food, P is a SINGLE-SERVING 31010package of snack food. 31011 31012Gibson the Cat's Corollary: 31013 31014For all L, where L is a package of lunch meat, L is Gibson's package 31015of lunch meat. 31016% 31017Kath: Can he be present at the birth of his child? 31018Ed: It's all any reasonable child can expect if the dad is present 31019 at the conception. 31020 -- Joe Orton, "Entertaining Mr. Sloane" 31021% 31022Katz' Law: 31023 Men and nations will act rationally when all other 31024possibilities have been exhausted. 31025 31026History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have 31027exhausted all other alternatives. 31028 -- Abba Eban 31029% 31030Kaufman's First Law of Party Physics: 31031 Population density is inversely proportional 31032 to the square of the distance from the keg. 31033% 31034Kaufman's Law: 31035 A policy is a restrictive document to prevent a recurrence 31036 of a single incident, in which that incident is never mentioned. 31037% 31038Keep a diary and one day it'll keep you. 31039 -- Mae West 31040% 31041Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans. 31042% 31043Keep ancient lands, your storied pomp! cries she 31044With silent lips. Give me your tired, your poor, 31045Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, 31046The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. 31047Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me... 31048 -- Emma Lazarus, "The New Colossus" 31049% 31050Keep cool, but don't freeze. 31051 -- Hellman's Mayonnaise 31052% 31053Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis. 31054% 31055Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo. 31056% 31057Keep in mind always the four constant Laws of Frisbee: 31058 1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc 31059 straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this 31060 force is technically termed "car suck"). 31061 2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive 31062 than "Watch this!" 31063 3) The probability of a Frisbee hitting something is directly 31064 proportional to the cost of hitting it. For instance, a 31065 Frisbee will always head directly towards a policeman or 31066 a little old lady rather than the beat up Chevy. 31067 4) Your best throw happens when no one is watching; when the 31068 cute girl you've been trying to impress is watching, the 31069 Frisbee will invariably bounce out of your hand or hit you 31070 in the head and knock you silly. 31071% 31072Keep it short for pithy sake. 31073% 31074Keep on keepin' on. 31075% 31076Keep patting your enemy on the back until a 31077small bullet hole appears between your fingers. 31078 -- Joe Bonanno 31079% 31080Keep the number of passes in a compiler to a minimum. 31081 -- D. Gries 31082% 31083Keep the phase, baby. 31084% 31085Keep up the good work! But please don't ask me to help. 31086% 31087Keep women you cannot. Marry them and they come to hate the way 31088you walk across the room; remain their lover, and they jilt you 31089at the end of six months. 31090 -- Moore 31091% 31092Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. 31093% 31094Keep your Eye on the Ball, 31095Your Shoulder to the Wheel, 31096Your Nose to the Grindstone, 31097Your Feet on the Ground, 31098Your Head on your Shoulders. 31099Now... try to get something DONE! 31100% 31101Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. 31102 -- Benjamin Franklin 31103% 31104Keep your laws off my body! 31105% 31106Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid; 31107Open it and you remove all doubt. 31108% 31109Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most 31110automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gauge, nor any of the 31111numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the 31112driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the 31113dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know 31114what's wrong." 31115% 31116Kennedy's Market Theorem: 31117 Given enough inside information and unlimited credit, 31118 you've got to go broke. 31119% 31120Kent's Heuristic: 31121 Look for it first where you'd most like to find it. 31122% 31123Kern, v.: 31124 1. To pack type together as tightly as the kernels on an ear 31125 of corn. 2. In parts of Brooklyn and Queens, N.Y., a small, 31126 metal object used as part of the monetary system. 31127% 31128KERNEL: 31129 A part of an operating system that preserves the medieval 31130 traditions of sorcery and black art. 31131% 31132Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College: 31133 Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students, 31134and parking for the faculty. 31135% 31136Kettering's Observation: 31137 Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence. 31138% 31139Kids always brighten up a house; mostly by leaving the lights on. 31140% 31141Kids have *_____never* taken guidance from their parents. If you could 31142travel back in time and observe the original primate family in the 31143original tree, you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate 31144teenager for sitting around and sulking all day instead of hunting for 31145grubs and berries like dad primate. Then you'd see the primate 31146teenager stomp up to his branch and slam the leaves. 31147 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do" 31148% 31149Kill a commy for your mommy. 31150% 31151Kill 'em all, and let God sort 'em out. 31152% 31153Kill for the love of killing! Kill for the love of Kali! 31154 -- Hindu saying 31155% 31156Kill Kill, 31157Hate Hate, 31158Murder, Maim, and Mutilate! 31159% 31160Kill your parents. 31161 -- Jerry Rubin 31162% 31163Killing turkeys causes winter. 31164% 31165Kilroe hic erat! 31166% 31167Kime's Law for the Reward of Meekness: 31168 Turning the other cheek merely ensures two bruised cheeks. 31169% 31170Kin, n.: 31171 An affliction of the blood. 31172% 31173Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read. 31174 -- Mark Twain 31175% 31176Kindness is the beginning of cruelty. 31177 -- Muad'dib, "Dune" 31178% 31179Kington's Law of Perforation: 31180 If a straight line of holes is made in a piece of paper, such 31181 as a sheet of stamps or a check, that line becomes the strongest 31182 part of the paper. 31183% 31184Kinkler's First Law: 31185 Responsibility always exceeds authority. 31186 31187Kinkler's Second Law: 31188 All the easy problems have been solved. 31189% 31190Kirk to Enterprise... 31191% 31192Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack. 31193% 31194Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through 31195any of its streets. 31196% 31197Kiss a non-smoker; taste the difference. 31198% 31199Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday. 31200 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew" 31201% 31202Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic. 31203% 31204Kiss your keyboard goodbye! 31205% 31206Kissing a fish is like smoking a bicycle. 31207% 31208Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray. 31209% 31210Kissing don't last, cookery do. 31211 -- George Meredith 31212% 31213Kissing your hand may make you feel very good, but a diamond and 31214sapphire bracelet lasts for ever. 31215 -- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes" 31216% 31217Kitchen activity is highlighted. 31218Butter up a friend. 31219% 31220Kites rise highest against the wind -- not with it. 31221 -- Winston Churchill 31222% 31223Klatu barada nikto. 31224% 31225Kleeneness is next to Godelness. 31226% 31227Klein bottle for sale -- inquire within. 31228% 31229Kleptomaniac, n.: 31230 A rich thief. 31231 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 31232% 31233Kliban's First Law of Dining: 31234 Never eat anything bigger than your head. 31235% 31236Klingon phaser attack from front!!!!! 31237100% Damage to life support!!!! 31238% 31239Kludge, n.: 31240 An ill-assorted collection of poorly-matching parts, forming a 31241 distressing whole. 31242 -- Jackson Granholm, "Datamation" 31243% 31244Knebel's Law: 31245 It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading 31246 causes of statistics. 31247% 31248Knights are hardly worth it. 31249I mean, all that shell and so little meat... 31250% 31251Knock, knock! 31252 Who's there? 31253Sam and Janet. 31254 Sam and Janet who? 31255Sam and Janet Evening... 31256% 31257Knock Knock... (who's there?) Ether! (ether who?) Eather Bunny... Yea! 31258[chorus] 31259 Yeay! 31260 Stay on the Happy side, always on the happy side, 31261 Stay on the Happy side of life! 31262 Bum bum bum bum bum bum 31263 You will feel no pain, as we drive you insane, 31264 So Stay on the Happy Side of life! 31265 31266Knock Knock... (who's there?) Anna! (anna who?) 31267 An another eather bunny... [chorus] 31268Knock Knock... (who's there?) Stilla! (stilla who?) 31269 Still another ether bunny... [chorus] 31270Knock Knock... (who's there?) Yetta! (yetta who?) 31271 Yet another ether bunny... [chorus] 31272Knock Knock... (who's there?) Cargo! (cargo who?) 31273 Cargo beep beep and run over eather bunny... [chorus] 31274Knock Knock... (who's there?) Boo! (boo who?) 31275 Don't Cry! Eather bunny be back next year! [chorus] 31276% 31277Knocked, you weren't in. 31278 -- Opportunity 31279% 31280Know how to save 5 drowning lawyers? 31281 31282-- No? 31283 31284GOOD! 31285% 31286Know Thy User. 31287% 31288Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A. 31289% 31290Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions. 31291 -- Henry N. Camp 31292% 31293KNOWLEDGE: 31294 Things you believe. 31295% 31296Knowledge is power. 31297 -- Francis Bacon 31298% 31299Knowledge is power -- knowledge shared is power lost. 31300 -- Aleister Crowley 31301% 31302Knowledge without common sense is folly. 31303% 31304Knucklehead: "Knock, knock" 31305Pee Wee: "Who's there?" 31306Knucklehead: "Little ol' lady." 31307Pee Wee: "Liddle ol' lady who?" 31308Knucklehead: "I didn't know you could yodel" 31309% 31310Kramer's Law: 31311 You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks. 31312% 31313Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr): 31314 The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards. 31315 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 31316% 31317LA: 31318 Where the only way to determine that the seasons have changed 31319 is to note that people have changed the main topic of conversation. 31320 From mud slides to brush fires. 31321% 31322Labor, n.: 31323 One of the processes by which A acquires property for B. 31324 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 31325% 31326Lack of capability is usually disguised by lack of interest. 31327% 31328Lack of money is the root of all evil. 31329 -- George Bernard Shaw 31330% 31331Lackland's Laws: 31332 1. Never be first. 31333 2. Never be last. 31334 3. Never volunteer for anything. 31335% 31336Lactomangulation, n.: 31337 Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly 31338 that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side. 31339 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 31340% 31341La-dee-dee, la-dee-dah. 31342% 31343Ladies and Gentlemen, Hobos and Tramps, 31344Cross-eyed mosquitos and bowlegged ants, 31345I come before you to stand behind you 31346To tell you of something I know nothing about. 31347Next Thursday (which is good Friday), 31348There will be a convention held in the 31349Women's Club which is strictly for Men. 31350Admission is free, pay at the door, 31351Pull up a chair, and sit on the floor. 31352It was a summer's day in winter, 31353And the snow was raining fast, 31354As a barefoot boy with shoes on, 31355Stood sitting in the grass. 31356Oh, that bright day in the dead of night, 31357Two dead men got up to fight. 31358Three blind men to see fair play, 31359Forty mutes to yell "Hooray"! 31360Back to back, they faced each other, 31361Drew their swords and shot each other. 31362A deaf policeman heard the noise, 31363Came and arrested those two dead boys. 31364% 31365Ladies, here's a hint: If you're playing against a friend who has big 31366boobs, bring her to the net and make her hit backhand volleys. That's 31367the hardest shot for the well endowed. "I've got to hit over them or 31368under them, but I can't hit through," Annie Jones used to always moan 31369to me. Not having much in my bra, I found it hard to sympathize with 31370her. 31371 -- Billie Jean King 31372% 31373Lady, lady, should you meet 31374One whose ways are all discreet, 31375One who murmurs that his wife 31376Is the lodestar of his life, 31377One who keeps assuring you 31378That he never was untrue, 31379Never loved another one... 31380Lady, lady, better run! 31381 -- Dorothy Parker, "Social Note" 31382% 31383Lady Luck brings added income today. 31384Lady friend takes it away tonight. 31385% 31386Lady Nancy Astor: 31387 "Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee." 31388Winston Churchill: 31389 "Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it." 31390 31391Lady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked her what 31392disguise she would recommend for him. She replied, "Why don't you come 31393sober, Mr. Prime Minister?" 31394 31395 During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a buffet 31396luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served. Returning for a second 31397helping, he asked politely, "May I have some breast?" 31398 "Mr. Churchill," replied the hostess, "in this country we ask for 31399white meat or dark meat." Churchill apologized profusely. 31400 The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid from 31401her guest of honor. The accompanying card read: "I would be most obliged if 31402you would pin this on your white meat." 31403% 31404Ladybug, ladybug, 31405Look to your stern! 31406Your house is on fire, 31407Your children will burn! 31408So jump ye and sing, for 31409The very first time 31410The four lines above 31411Have been put into rhyme. 31412 -- Walt Kelly 31413% 31414Laetrile is the pits. 31415% 31416Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if 31417each acts like a vulture, all will end as doves. 31418% 31419Lake Erie died for your sins. 31420% 31421((lambda (foo) (bar foo)) (baz)) 31422% 31423Lamonte Cranston once hired a new Chinese manservant. While describing his 31424duties to the new man, Lamonte pointed to a bowl of candy on the coffee 31425table and warned him that he was not to take any. Some days later, the new 31426manservant was cleaning up, with no one at home, and decided to sample some 31427of the candy. Just than, Cranston walked in, spied the manservant at the 31428candy, and said: 31429 "Pardon me Choy, is that the Shadow's nugate you chew?" 31430% 31431Langsam's Laws: 31432 (1) Everything depends. 31433 (2) Nothing is always. 31434 (3) Everything is sometimes. 31435% 31436Language is a virus from another planet. 31437 -- William Burroughs 31438% 31439Lank: Here we go. We're about to set a new record. 31440Earl: (to the crowd) How about a date? 31441Lank: We've done it. Earl has set a new record. Turned down by 31442 20,000 women. 31443 -- Lank and Earl 31444% 31445Lansdale seized on the idea of using Nixon to build support for the 31446[Vietnamese] elections ... really honest elections, this time. "Oh, sure, 31447honest, yes, that's right," Nixon said, "so long as you win!" With that 31448he winked, drove his elbow into Lansdale's arm and slapped his own knee. 31449 -- Richard M. Nixon, quoted in "Sideshow" by W. Shawcross 31450% 31451Large increases in cost with questionable increases in 31452performance can be tolerated only in race horses and women. 31453 -- Lord Kelvin 31454% 31455Largest Number of Driving Test Failures 31456 By April 1970 Mrs. Miriam Hargrave had failed her test thirty-nine 31457times. In the eight preceding years she had received two hundred and 31458twelve driving lessons at a cost of L300. She set the new record while 31459driving triumphantly through a set of red traffic lights in Wakefield, 31460Yorkshire. Disappointingly, she passed at the fortieth attempt (3 August 314611970) but eight years later she showed some of her old magic when she was 31462reported as saying that she still didn't like doing right-hand turns. 31463 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 31464% 31465Larkinson's Law: 31466 All laws are basically false. 31467% 31468LASER: 31469 Failed death ray. 31470% 31471Last guys don't finish nice. 31472 -- Stanley Kelley, on the cult of victory at all costs 31473% 31474Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up 31475the pillow was gone. 31476 -- Tommy Cooper 31477% 31478Last night I met upon the stair 31479A little man who wasn't there. 31480He wasn't there again today. 31481Gee how I wish he'd go away! 31482% 31483Last night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a flash.... 31484The neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops. 31485 -- Steven Wright 31486% 31487Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police record. 31488I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album. Cops have no sense of humor. 31489% 31490Last week's pet, this week's special. 31491% 31492Last year we drove across the country... We switched on the driving... 31493every half mile. We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip. 31494I don't remember what it was. 31495 -- Steven Wright 31496% 31497Last yeer I kudn't spel Engineer. Now I are won. 31498% 31499Latin is a language, 31500As dead as can be. 31501First it killed the Romans, 31502And now it's killing me. 31503% 31504Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either. 31505% 31506Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone. 31507% 31508Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot. 31509% 31510Laugh at your problems: everybody else does. 31511% 31512Laugh when you can; cry when you must. 31513% 31514Laughing at you is like drop kicking a wounded humming bird. 31515% 31516Laughter is the closest distance between two people. 31517 -- Victor Borge 31518% 31519Laura's Law: 31520 No child throws up in the bathroom. 31521% 31522Lavish spending can be disastrous. 31523Don't buy any lavishes for a while. 31524% 31525Law enforcement officers should use only the minimum 31526force necessary in dealing with disorders when they arise. 31527 -- Richard M. Nixon 31528% 31529Law of Communications: 31530 The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications 31531between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased area of 31532misunderstanding. 31533% 31534Law of Continuity: 31535 Experiments should be reproducible. 31536 They should all fail the same way. 31537% 31538Law of Probable Dispersal: 31539 Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. 31540% 31541Law of Selective Gravity: 31542 An object will fall so as to do the most damage. 31543 31544Jenning's Corollary: 31545 The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is 31546 directly proportional to the cost of the carpet. 31547% 31548Law of the Jungle: 31549 He who hesitates is lunch. 31550% 31551Law of the Yukon: 31552 Only the lead dog gets a change of scenery. 31553% 31554Law stands mute in the midst of arms. 31555 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero 31556% 31557Lawful Dungeon Master -- and they're MY laws! 31558% 31559Lawrence Radiation Laboratory keeps all its data in an old gray trunk. 31560% 31561Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made. 31562 -- Otto von Bismarck 31563% 31564Laws of Computer Programming: 31565 1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete. 31566 2. Any given program costs more and takes longer. 31567 3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. 31568 4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented. 31569 5. Any given program will expand to fill all available memory. 31570 6. The value of a program is proportional the weight of its output. 31571 7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of 31572 the programmer who must maintain it. 31573% 31574Laws of Serendipity: 31575 31576 (1) In order to discover anything, you must be looking for 31577 something. 31578 (2) If you wish to make an improved product, you must already 31579 be engaged in making an inferior one. 31580% 31581Lawsuit, n.: 31582 A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage. 31583 -- Ambrose Bierce 31584% 31585Lawyer's Rule: 31586 When the law is against you, argue the facts. 31587 When the facts are against you, argue the law. 31588 When both are against you, call the other lawyer names. 31589% 31590Lay off the muses, it's a very tough dollar. 31591 -- S. J. Perelman 31592% 31593Lay on, MacDuff, and curs'd be him who first cries, "Hold, enough!". 31594 -- William Shakespeare 31595% 31596Layers are for cakes, not for software. 31597 -- Bart Smaalders 31598% 31599Lays eggs inside a paper bag; 31600The reason, you will see, no doubt, 31601Is to keep the lightning out. 31602But what these unobservant birds 31603Have failed to notice is that herds 31604Of bears may come with buns 31605And steal the bags to hold the crumbs. 31606% 31607Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: 31608 No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats -- 31609 approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less. 31610% 31611LAZY: 31612 Marrying a pregnant woman. 31613% 31614Leadership involves finding a parade and getting in front of it; what 31615is happening in America is that those parades are getting smaller and 31616smaller -- and there are many more of them. 31617 -- John Naisbitt, "Megatrends" 31618% 31619Learn from other people's mistakes, you don't have time to make your own. 31620% 31621Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you. 31622% 31623Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads. 31624% 31625Learning at some schools is like drinking from a firehose. 31626% 31627LEARNING CURVE: 31628 An astonishing new theory, discovered by management consultants 31629 in the 1970's, asserting that the more you do something the 31630 quicker you can do it. 31631% 31632Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and 31633everything else follows in the same way. 31634 -- Alan J. Perlis 31635% 31636Learning without thought is labor lost; 31637thought without learning is perilous. 31638 -- Confucius 31639% 31640Leave no stone unturned. 31641 -- Euripides 31642% 31643Lee's Law: 31644 Mother said there would be days like this, 31645 but she never said that there'd be so many! 31646% 31647Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. 31648% 31649Legalize free-enterprise murder: why should governments have all the 31650fun? 31651% 31652Legislation proposed in the Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907: 31653 "Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour 31654unless the motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a 31655drink in 30 days, when the driver will be permitted to make what he 31656can." 31657% 31658Leibowitz's Rule: 31659 When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you 31660hold the hammer with both hands. 31661% 31662Lemma: All horses are the same color. 31663Proof (by induction): 31664 Case n = 1: In a set with only one horse, it is obvious that all 31665 horses in that set are the same color. 31666 Case n = k: Suppose you have a set of k+1 horses. Pull one of these 31667 horses out of the set, so that you have k horses. Suppose that all 31668 of these horses are the same color. Now put back the horse that you 31669 took out, and pull out a different one. Suppose that all of the k 31670 horses now in the set are the same color. Then the set of k+1 horses 31671 are all the same color. We have k true => k+1 true; therefore all 31672 horses are the same color. 31673Theorem: All horses have an infinite number of legs. 31674Proof (by intimidation): 31675 Everyone would agree that all horses have an even number of legs. It 31676 is also well-known that horses have forelegs in front and two legs in 31677 back. 4 + 2 = 6 legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a 31678 horse to have! Now the only number that is both even and odd is 31679 infinity; therefore all horses have an infinite number of legs. 31680 However, suppose that there is a horse somewhere that does not have an 31681 infinite number of legs. Well, that would be a horse of a different 31682 color; and by the Lemma, it doesn't exist. 31683% 31684Lemmings don't grow older, they just die. 31685% 31686Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you. 31687% 31688Lensmen eat Jedi for breakfast. 31689% 31690LEO (Jul. 23 to Aug. 22) 31691 Your presence, poise, charm and good looks won't even help you today. 31692 Look over your shoulder; an ugly person may be following you. Be on 31693 your toes. Brush your teeth. Take Geritol. 31694% 31695LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) 31696 You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are 31697 pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike 31698 honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people 31699 are thieves. 31700% 31701LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) 31702 Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore. 31703 Your ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because 31704 you've got a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of 31705 fact, if you can laugh at what happens to you today, you've got 31706 a sick sense of humor. 31707% 31708Lesbian QOTD: 31709I didn't give up sex, I just gave up premature ejaculation. 31710% 31711Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage. 31712 -- Publilius Syrus 31713% 31714Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday. 31715% 31716Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish. 31717 -- William Shakespeare, "Coriolanus" 31718% 31719Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a 31720number. You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and 31721another number. 31722 -- James Estes 31723% 31724Let me not to the marriage of true minds 31725Admit impediments. Love is not love 31726Which alters when it alteration finds, 31727Or bends with the remover to remove. 31728O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark, 31729That looks on tempests and is never shaken; 31730It is the star to every wandering bark, 31731Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken. 31732Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks 31733Within his bending sickle's compass come; 31734Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, 31735But bears it out even to the edge of doom. 31736If this be error and upon me proved, 31737I never writ, nor no man ever loved. 31738 -- William Shakespeare, Sonnet CXVI 31739% 31740Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience. 31741% 31742Let me take you a button-hole lower. 31743 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost" 31744% 31745Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are. On one side, you have 31746George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of fraternity hazing 31747wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating stunts to win the approval 31748of the Republican Right. For example, they had him make a speech oozing 31749praise all over William Loeb, deceased publisher of the Manchester (N.H.) 31750Union Leader and Slime Journalist. Loeb had dumped viciously all over George 31751in the 1980 New Hampshire primary. But when the Right held a big tribute 31752for Loeb, George came back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped 31753around his neck. 31754 -- Dave Barry 31755% 31756Let my own body be exhausted, 31757But not the wealth of my state. 31758Let my mortal body vanish, 31759But not the power of my state. 31760 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan 31761% 31762Let no guilty man escape. 31763 -- U. S. Grant 31764% 31765Let not the sands of time get in your lunch. 31766% 31767Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these. 31768 -- Ovid (43 B.C. - A.D. 18) 31769% 31770Let sleeping dogs lie. 31771 -- Charles Dickens 31772% 31773Let the machine do the dirty work. 31774 -- Kernighan and Plauger, "The Elements of Programming Style" 31775% 31776Let the meek inherit the earth -- they have it coming to them. 31777 -- James Thurber 31778% 31779Let the people think they govern and they will be governed. 31780 -- William Penn, founder of Pennsylvania 31781% 31782Let the worthy citizens of Chicago get their liquor the best way 31783they can. I'm sick of the job. It's a thankless one and full of grief. 31784 -- Al Capone 31785% 31786Let thy maid servant be faithful, strong, and homely. 31787 -- Benjamin Franklin 31788% 31789Let us go then you and I 31790while the night is laid out against the sky 31791like a smear of mustard on an old pork pie. 31792 31793Nice poem Tom. I have ideas for changes though, why not come over? 31794 -- Ezra 31795% 31796Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets, 31797The muttering retreats 31798Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels 31799And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells: 31800Streets that follow like a tedious argument 31801Of insidious intent 31802To lead you to an overwhelming question... 31803Oh, do not ask, "What is it?" 31804 -- T. S. Eliot, "Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock" 31805% 31806Let us live!!! 31807Let us love!!! 31808Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!! 31809 31810You first. 31811% 31812Let us never negotiate out of fear, 31813but let us never fear to negotiate. 31814 -- John F. Kennedy 31815% 31816Let us not look back in anger or forward 31817in fear, but around us in awareness. 31818 -- James Thurber 31819% 31820Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order. 31821% 31822Let us treat men and women well; 31823Treat them as if they were real; 31824Perhaps they are. 31825 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 31826% 31827Let your conscience be your guide. 31828 -- Pope 31829% 31830L'etat c'est moi. 31831[The state, that's me.] 31832 -- Louis XIV 31833% 31834Let's just be friends and make no special effort to ever see each other again. 31835% 31836Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted. In every 31837relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive. If you 31838really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the 31839end. For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the 31840qualities I most admired in myself I gave up. I stopped being loud and 31841bossy ... Oh, all right. I was still loud and bossy, but only behind 31842his back. 31843 -- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn 31844% 31845Let's love each other slowly, 31846reaching for a plane, 31847of exquisite pleasure, 31848and delicate pain. 31849 -- Adam Beslove 31850% 31851Let's not complicate our relationship 31852by trying to communicate with each other. 31853% 31854Let's organize this thing and take all the fun out of it. 31855% 31856Let's remind ourselves that last year's fresh idea is today's cliche. 31857 -- Austen Briggs 31858% 31859Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick 31860your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as 31861Mental Anguish. You would sue: 31862 31863* The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions 31864 section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand 31865 into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls 31866 in there". 31867 31868* The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious 31869 cretin like yourself. 31870 31871* Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this 31872 case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you 31873 a large cash settlement anyway. 31874 -- Dave Barry 31875% 31876Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often 31877overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of 31878dollars: For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your 31879tax return around under your armpit. No IRS agent is going to want to 31880spend hours poring over a sweat-stained document. So even if you owe 31881money, you can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will 31882probably give it to you, just to avoid an audit. What does he care? 31883It's not his money. 31884 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" 31885% 31886LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London) 31887 31888Dear Sir, 31889 31890I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or 31891to the office. We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in 31892public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result 31893in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn 31894will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed 31895agricultural industry. 31896 31897Yours faithfully, 31898 Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J. P. 31899 Sevenoaks 31900% 31901LEVERAGE: 31902 Even if someone doesn't care what the world thinks 31903 about them, they always hope their mother doesn't find out. 31904% 31905Leveraging always beats prototyping. 31906% 31907Lewis's Law of Travel: 31908 The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to 31909anyone, ever. 31910% 31911L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare. 31912 -- L. Pasteur 31913% 31914Liar, n.: 31915 A lawyer with a roving commission. 31916 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 31917% 31918Liar: one who tells an unpleasant truth. 31919 -- Oliver Herford 31920% 31921LIBERAL: 31922 Someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist. 31923% 31924Liberals are the first to dump you if you con them or get into 31925trouble. Conservatives are better. They never run out on you. 31926 -- Joseph "Crazy Joe" Gallo 31927% 31928Liberty don't work as good in practice as it does in speeches. 31929 -- The Best of Will Rogers 31930% 31931Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have. 31932 -- Harry Emerson Fosdick 31933% 31934LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22) 31935 Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your 31936 desire for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and 31937 polite. Someone is watching you, so stop staring like that. 31938% 31939LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22) 31940 You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with 31941 reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay. 31942 Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most 31943 Libra women are prostitutes. All Libra people die of venereal 31944 disease. 31945% 31946LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 23) 31947 Major achievements, new friends, and a previously unexplored way 31948 to make a lot of money will come to a lot of people today, but 31949 unfortunately you won't be one of them. Consider not getting out 31950 of bed today. 31951% 31952Lie, n.: 31953 A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one 31954 discovered to date. 31955% 31956Lieberman's Law: 31957 Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. 31958% 31959Lies! All lies! You're all lying against my boys! 31960 -- Ma Barker 31961% 31962LIFE: 31963 A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while. 31964% 31965LIFE: 31966 Learning about people the hard way -- by being one. 31967% 31968LIFE: 31969 That brief interlude between nothingness and eternity. 31970% 31971Life -- Love It or Leave It. 31972% 31973Life begins at the centerfold and expands outward. 31974 -- Miss November, 1966 31975% 31976Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge. 31977 -- Paul Gauguin 31978% 31979Life can be so tragic -- you're here today and here tomorrow. 31980% 31981Life does not begin at the moment of conception or the moment of birth. 31982It begins when the kids leave home and the dog dies. 31983% 31984Life exists for no known purpose. 31985% 31986Life in this society being, at best, an utter bore and no aspect of society 31987being at all relevant to women, there remains to civic-minded responsible 31988thrill-seeking females only to overthrow the government, eliminate the money 31989system, institute complete automation and destroy the male sex. 31990 -- Valerie Solanas 31991% 31992Life is a biochemical reaction to the stimulus of the surrounding 31993environment in a stable ecosphere, while a bowl of cherries is a 31994round container filled with little red fruits on sticks. 31995% 31996Life is a concentration camp. You're stuck here and there's no way 31997out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors. 31998 -- Woody Allen 31999% 32000Life is a gamble at terrible odds, if it was a bet you wouldn't take it. 32001 -- Tom Stoppard, "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead" 32002% 32003Life is a game. In order to have a game, something has to be more 32004important than something else. If what already is, is more important 32005than what isn't, the game is over. So, life is a game in which what 32006isn't, is more important than what is. Let the good times roll. 32007 -- Werner Erhard 32008% 32009Life is a game of bridge -- and you've just been finessed. 32010% 32011Life is a glorious cycle of song, 32012A medley of extemporania; 32013And love is thing that can never go wrong; 32014And I am Marie of Roumania. 32015 -- Dorothy Parker, "Comment" 32016% 32017Life is a grand adventure -- or it is nothing. 32018 -- Helen Keller 32019% 32020Life is a healthy respect for mother nature laced with greed. 32021% 32022Life is a hospital in which every patient is possessed by the desire to 32023change his bed. 32024 -- Charles Baudelaire 32025% 32026Life is a series of rude awakenings. 32027 -- R. V. Winkle 32028% 32029Life is a serious burden, which no thinking, 32030humane person would wantonly inflict on someone else. 32031 -- Clarence Darrow 32032% 32033Life is a sexually transferred disease with 100% mortality. 32034% 32035Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string. 32036% 32037Life is an exciting business, and most 32038exciting when it is lived for others. 32039% 32040Life is both difficult and time consuming. 32041% 32042Life is cheap, but the accessories can kill you. 32043% 32044Life is difficult because it is non-linear. 32045% 32046Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. 32047 -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall" 32048% 32049Life is fraught with opportunities to keep your mouth shut. 32050% 32051Life is just a bowl of cherries, but why do I always get the pits? 32052% 32053Life is knowing how far to go without crossing the line. 32054% 32055Life is like a 10 speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use. 32056 -- C. Schultz 32057% 32058Life is like a bowl of soup with hairs floating on it. You have to 32059eat it nevertheless. 32060 -- Flaubert 32061% 32062Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it. 32063% 32064Life is like a diaper - short and loaded. 32065% 32066Life is like a sewer. 32067What you get out of it depends on what you put into it. 32068 -- Tom Lehrer 32069% 32070Life is like a simile. 32071% 32072Life is like a tin of sardines. 32073We're, all of us, looking for the key. 32074 -- Beyond the Fringe 32075% 32076Life is like an analogy. 32077% 32078Life is like an egg stain on your chin -- 32079you can lick it, but it still won't go away. 32080% 32081Life is like an onion: you peel it off 32082one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep. 32083 -- Carl Sandburg 32084% 32085Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after 32086layer and then you find there is nothing in it. 32087 -- James Huneker 32088% 32089Life is like arriving late for a movie, having to figure out what was 32090going on without bothering everybody with a lot of questions, and then 32091being unexpectedly called away before you find out how it ends. 32092% 32093Life is like bein' on a mule team. Unless you're 32094the lead mule, all the scenery looks about the same. 32095% 32096Life is not for everyone. 32097% 32098Life is one long struggle in the dark. 32099 -- Titus Lucretius Carus 32100% 32101Life is the childhood of our immortality. 32102 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 32103% 32104Life is the living you do, 32105Death is the living you don't do. 32106 -- Joseph Pintauro 32107% 32108Life is the urge to ecstasy. 32109% 32110Life is to you a dashing and bold adventure. 32111% 32112Life is too important to take seriously. 32113 -- Corky Siegel 32114% 32115Life is too short to be taken seriously. 32116 -- Oscar Wilde 32117% 32118Life is too short to stuff a mushroom. 32119 -- Storm Jameson 32120% 32121Life is wasted on the living. 32122 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the Edge of the Universe" 32123% 32124Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. 32125 -- John Lennon, "Beautiful Boy" 32126% 32127Life, like beer, is merely borrowed. 32128 -- Don Reed 32129% 32130Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it. 32131 -- Marvin, from 32132 Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 32133% 32134Life may have no meaning, or, even worse, 32135it may have a meaning of which you disapprove. 32136% 32137Life only demands from you the strength you possess. 32138Only one feat is possible -- not to have run away. 32139 -- Dag Hammarskjold 32140% 32141Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention 32142of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but 32143rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, 32144and loudly proclaiming --WOW---What A RIDE!! 32145% 32146Life Sucks. Cynical, misanthropic male, 34, looking for soul mate but 32147certain not to find her. Drop me a note. I'll call you, we'll talk and 32148I'll ask you out to dinner where I'll probably spend more than I can 32149afford in a feeble attempt to impress you. Then we'll realize we have 32150absolutely nothing in common and we'll go our separate ways, more 32151embittered and depressed than before (if such a thing is possible). 32152% 32153Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all. 32154 -- Thomas J. Kopp 32155% 32156Life to you is a bold and dashing responsibility. 32157 -- a Mary Chung's fortune cookie 32158% 32159Life without caffeine is stimulating enough. 32160 -- Sanka Ad 32161% 32162Life would be much simpler and things would get done much faster if it 32163weren't for other people. 32164 -- Blore 32165% 32166Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code. 32167 -- Dave Olson 32168% 32169Life would be tolerable but for its amusements. 32170 -- George Bernard Shaw 32171% 32172Life's too short to dance with ugly women. 32173% 32174Lift every voice and sing 32175Till earth and heaven ring, 32176Ring with the harmonies of Liberty; 32177Let our rejoicing rise 32178High as the listening skies, 32179Let it resound loud as the rolling sea. 32180 32181Sing a song full of the faith that the dark past has taught us. 32182Sing a song full of the hope that the present has bought us. 32183Facing the rising sun of our new day begun, 32184Let us march on till victory is won. 32185 -- James Weldon Johnson 32186% 32187Lighten up, while you still can, 32188Don't even try to understand, 32189Just find a place to make your stand, 32190And take it easy. 32191 -- The Eagles, "Take It Easy" 32192% 32193LIGHTHOUSE: 32194 A tall building on the seashore in which the government 32195 maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician. 32196% 32197LIKE: 32198 When being alive at the same time is a wonderful coincidence. 32199% 32200Like all young men, you greatly exaggerate 32201the difference between one young woman and another. 32202 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Major Barbara" 32203% 32204Like an expensive sports car, fine-tuned and well-built, Portia was sleek, 32205shapely, and gorgeous, her red jumpsuit moulding her body, which was as warm 32206as seatcovers in July, her hair as dark as new tires, her eyes flashing like 32207bright hubcaps, and her lips as dewy as the beads of fresh rain on the hood; 32208she was a woman driven -- fueled by a single accelerant -- and she needed a 32209man, a man who wouldn't shift from his views, a man to steer her along the 32210right road: a man like Alf Romeo. 32211 -- Rachel Sheeley, winner 32212 32213The hair ball blocking the drain of the shower reminded Laura she would never 32214see her little dog Pritzi again. 32215 -- Claudia Fields, runner-up 32216 32217It could have been an organically based disturbance of the brain -- perhaps a 32218tumor or a metabolic deficiency -- but after a thorough neurological exam it 32219was determined that Byron was simply a jerk. 32220 -- Jeff Jahnke, runner-up 32221 32222Winners in the 7th Annual Bulwer-Lytton Bad Writing Contest. The contest is 32223named after the author of the immortal lines: "It was a dark and stormy 32224night." The object of the contest is to write the opening sentence of the 32225worst possible novel. 32226% 32227Like corn in a field I cut you down, 32228I threw the last punch way too hard, 32229After years of going steady, well, I thought it was time, 32230To throw in my hand for a new set of cards. 32231And I can't take you dancing out on the weekend, 32232I figured we'd painted too much of this town, 32233And I tried not to look as I walked to my wagon, 32234And I knew then I had lost what should have been found, 32235I knew then I had lost what should have been found. 32236 And I feel like a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford 32237 I'm as low as a paid assassin is 32238 You know I'm cold as a hired sword. 32239 I'm so ashamed we can't patch it up, 32240 You know I can't think straight no more 32241 You make me feel like a bullet, honey, 32242 a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford. 32243 -- Elton John "I Feel Like a Bullet" 32244% 32245Like I said, love wouldn't be so blind if the braille 32246weren't so damned great! 32247 -- Armistead Maupin 32248% 32249Like, if I'm not for me, then fer shure, like who will be? And if, y'know, 32250if I'm not like fer anyone else, then hey, I mean, what am I? And if not 32251now, like I dunno, maybe like when? And if not Who, then I dunno, maybe 32252like the Rolling Stones? 32253 -- Rich Rosen (Rabbi Valiel's paraphrase of famous quote 32254 attributed to Rabbi Hillel.) 32255% 32256Like my parents, I have never been a regular church member or churchgoer. 32257It doesn't seem plausible to me that there is the kind of God who watches 32258over human affairs, listens to prayers, and tries to guide people to follow 32259His precepts -- there is just too much misery and cruelty for that. On the 32260other hand, I respect and envy the people who get inspiration from their 32261religions. 32262 -- Benjamin Spock 32263% 32264Like punning, programming is a play on words. 32265% 32266Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made 32267sense from things she found in gift shops. 32268 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. 32269% 32270Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking 32271for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem. 32272 -- Alan McKay 32273% 32274Like the time I ran away... 32275And turned around and you were standing close to me. 32276 -- YES, "Going For The One/Awaken" 32277% 32278Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone. 32279% 32280Like ya know? Rock 'N Roll is an esoteric language that unlocks the 32281creativity chambers in people's brains, and like totally activates their 32282essential hipness, which of course is like totally necessary for saving 32283the earth, like because the first thing in saving this world, is getting 32284rid of stupid and square attitudes and having fun. 32285 -- Senior Year Quote 32286% 32287Like you, I am frequently haunted by profound questions related to man's 32288place in the Scheme of Things. Here are just a few: 32289 32290 Q -- Is there life after death? 32291 A -- Definitely. I speak from personal experience here. On New 32292Year's Eve, 1970, I drank a full pitcher of a drink called "Black Russian", 32293then crawled out on the lawn and died within a matter of minutes, which was 32294fine with me because I had come to realize that if I had lived I would have 32295spent the rest of my life in the grip of the most excruciatingly painful 32296headache. Thanks to the miracle of modern orange juice, I was brought back 32297to life several days later, but in the interim I was definitely dead. I 32298guess my main impression of the afterlife is that it isn't so bad as long 32299as you keep the television turned down and don't try to eat any solid foods. 32300 -- Dave Barry 32301% 32302Likewise, the national appetizer, brine-cured herring with raw onions, 32303wins few friends, Germans excepted. 32304 -- Darwin Porter, "Scandinavia On $50 A Day" 32305% 32306Limericks are art forms complex, 32307Their topics run chiefly to sex. 32308 They usually have virgins, 32309 And masculine urgin's, 32310And other erotic effects. 32311% 32312Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. 32313Kennedy exactly one hundred years later in 1946. 32314 32315Lincoln was elected president in November 1860. 32316Kennedy in November 1960. 32317 32318Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy who urged him not to go to 32319the theatre. 32320Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln who advised against his going 32321to Dallas. 32322 32323Booth shot Lincoln in a theatre and ran off into a warehouse. 32324Oswald shot Kennedy from a warehouse and ran off into a theatre. 32325 32326Lincoln was succeeded by a Southerner named Johnson. 32327Kennedy was succeeded by a Southerner named Johnson. 32328 32329The first Johnson was born in 1808. 32330The second Johnson was born in 1908. 32331 32332 -- Alistair Cooke, "Letter From America", Nov. 26, 2001 32333% 32334Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations. 32335% 32336"Lines that are parallel meet at Infinity!" 32337Euclid repeatedly, heatedly, urged. 32338 32339Until he died, and so reached that vicinity: 32340in it he found that the damned things diverged. 32341 -- Piet Hein 32342% 32343Linus: Hi! I thought it was you. 32344 I've been watching you from way off... You're looking great! 32345Snoopy: That's nice to know. 32346 The secret of life is to look good at a distance. 32347% 32348Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow. Maybe 32349 we should think only about today. 32350Charlie Brown: 32351 No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday will get 32352 better. 32353% 32354Linus' Law: 32355 There is no heavier burden than a great potential. 32356% 32357Lions in the street and roaming, 32358Dogs in heat, rabid, foaming, 32359A beast caged in the heart of the city. 32360The body of his mother lying in the summer ground, 32361He fled the town. 32362Went down south across the border, 32363Left the chaos and disorder 32364Back there, over his shoulder. 32365One morning he awoke in a green hotel, 32366A strange creature groaning beside him. 32367Sweat oozed from its shiny skin. 32368Is everybody in? The ceremony is about to begin. 32369 -- Jim Morrison, "Celebration of the Lizard" 32370% 32371LISP: 32372 To call a spade a thpade. 32373% 32374Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine, 32375Lisp Machine is Fun. 32376Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine, 32377Fun for everyone. 32378% 32379Lisp Users: 32380Due to the holiday next Monday, there will be no garbage collection. 32381% 32382Listen, there is no courage or any extra courage that I know of to find out 32383the right thing to do. Now, it is not only necessary to do the right thing, 32384but to do it in the right way and the only problem you have is what is the 32385right thing to do and what is the right way to do it. That is the problem. 32386But this economy of ours is not so simple that it obeys to the opinion of 32387bias or the pronouncements of any particular individual, even to the President. 32388This is an economy that is made up of 173 million people, and it reflects 32389their desires, they're ready to buy, they're ready to spend, it is a thing 32390that is too complex and too big to be affected adversely or advantageously 32391just by a few words or any particular -- say, a little this and that, or even 32392a panacea so alleged. 32393 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, in response to: "Has the 32394 government been lacking in courage and boldness in 32395 facing up to the recession?" 32396% 32397Literature is mostly about sex and not much about having children and life 32398is the other way round. 32399 -- David Lodge, "The British Museum is Falling Down" 32400% 32401Littering is dumb. 32402 -- Ronald Macdonald 32403% 32404Little Fly, 32405Thy summer's play If thought is life 32406My thoughtless hand And strength & breath, 32407Has brush'd away. And the want 32408 Of thought is death, 32409Am not I 32410A fly like thee? Then am I 32411Or art not thou A happy fly 32412A man like me? If I live 32413 Or if I die. 32414 32415For I dance 32416And drink & sing, 32417Till some blind hand 32418Shall brush my wing. 32419 -- William Blake, "The Fly" 32420% 32421Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse. 32422 -- Lazarus Long 32423% 32424Little known fact about Middle Earth: The Hobbits had a very 32425sophisticated computer network! It was a Tolkien Ring... 32426% 32427Little Known Facts, #23: 32428 Did you know... that if you dial 911 in Los Angeles you get 32429 the BMW repair garage? 32430% 32431Little Mary on the ice, 32432Went out to have a frisk, 32433Now wasn't little Mary nice, 32434Her pretty *? 32435% 32436Live fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway! 32437 -- The Squirrels' Motto (The "Hell's Angels of Nature") 32438% 32439Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse. 32440 -- James Dean 32441% 32442Live from New York ... It's Saturday Night! 32443% 32444Live in a world of your own, but always welcome visitors. 32445% 32446Live never to be ashamed if anything you do or say is 32447published around the world -- even if what is published is not true. 32448 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul 32449% 32450Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so. 32451 -- Josh Billings 32452% 32453Living here in Rio, I have lots of coffees to choose from. And when 32454you're on the lam like me, you appreciate a good cup of coffee. 32455 -- "Great Train Robber" Ronald Biggs' coffee commercial 32456% 32457Living in California is like living in a bowl of granola. 32458What ain't flakes and nuts is fruits. 32459% 32460Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola. 32461What ain't fruits and nuts is flakes. 32462% 32463Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night. 32464 -- Candice Bergen 32465% 32466Living in New York City gives people real incentives 32467to want things that nobody else wants. 32468 -- Andy Warhol 32469% 32470Living in the complex world of the future is somewhat 32471like having bees live in your head. But, there they are. 32472% 32473Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip 32474around the Sun. 32475% 32476LIVING YOUR LIFE: 32477 A task so difficult, it has never been attempted before. 32478% 32479Lizzie Borden took an axe, 32480And plunged it deep into the VAX; 32481Don't you envy people who 32482Do all the things ___YOU want to do? 32483% 32484Lo! Men have become the tool of their tools. 32485 -- Henry David Thoreau 32486% 32487Loan-department manager: "There isn't any fine print. At these 32488interest rates, we don't need it." 32489% 32490Lobster: 32491 Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are squeamish 32492 about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the only proper 32493 method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to eliminate your 32494 guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial before they're 32495 cooked. The fact is, lobsters are among the most ferocious predators on 32496 the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime in the reefs. Grasp the 32497 lobster behind the head, look it right in its unmistakably guilty 32498 eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of the 21st?", then 32499 flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout, "Perhaps this will 32500 refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a memory!" The lobster will 32501 squirm noticeably. It may even take a swipe at you with one of its claws. 32502 Incorrigible. Pop it into the pot. Justice has been served, and shortly 32503 you and your friends will be, too. 32504 -- Dave Barry, Cooking: The Art of Turning Appliances 32505 and Utensils into Excuses and Apologies 32506% 32507Lockwood's Long Shot: 32508 The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street aren't 32509one in a million, but once would be enough. 32510% 32511Logic doesn't apply to the real world. 32512 -- Marvin Minsky 32513% 32514Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree; that smells *_____awful*. 32515% 32516Logic is a pretty flower that smells bad. 32517% 32518Logic is the chastity belt of the mind! 32519% 32520Logicians have but ill defined 32521As rational the human kind. 32522Logic, they say, belongs to man, 32523But let them prove it if they can. 32524 -- Oliver Goldsmith 32525% 32526LOGO for the Dead 32527 32528LOGO for the Dead lets you continue your computing activities from 32529"The Other Side." 32530 32531The package includes a unique telecommunications feature which lets you 32532turn your TRS-80 into an electronic Ouija board. Then, using Logo's 32533graphics capabilities, you can work with a friend or relative on this 32534side of the Great Beyond to write programs. The software requires that 32535your body be hardwired to an analog-to-digital converter, which is then 32536interfaced to your computer. A special terminal (very terminal) program 32537lets you talk with the users through Deadnet, an EBBS (Ectoplasmic 32538Bulletin Board System). 32539 32540LOGO for the Dead is available for 10 percent of your estate 32541from NecroSoft inc., 6502 Charnelhouse Blvd., Cleveland, OH 44101. 32542 -- '80 Microcomputing 32543% 32544Loneliness is a terrible price to pay for independence. 32545% 32546Lonely is a man without love. 32547 -- Engelbert Humperdinck 32548% 32549Lonely men seek companionship. 32550Lonely women sit at home and wait. They never meet. 32551% 32552Lonesome? 32553 32554Like a change? 32555Like a new job? 32556Like excitement? 32557Like to meet new and interesting people? 32558 32559JUST SCREW-UP ONE MORE TIME!!!!!!! 32560% 32561Long ago I proposed that unsuccessful candidates for the Presidency 32562be quietly hanged, as a matter of public sanitation and decorum. 32563The sight of their grief must have a very evil effect upon the young. 32564 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe" 32565% 32566Long computations which yield zero are probably all for naught. 32567% 32568Long life is in store for you. 32569% 32570Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and 32571long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his 32572pain and his aloneness without regret? 32573 -- Kahlil Gibran, "The Prophet" 32574% 32575Look! Before our very eyes, the future is becoming the past. 32576% 32577Look afar and see the end from the beginning. 32578% 32579Look at it this way: 32580Your daughter just named the fresh turkey you brought 32581home "Cuddles", so you're going out to buy a canned ham. 32582And you're still drinking ordinary scotch? 32583% 32584Look at it this way: 32585Your wife's spending $280 a month on meditation lessons to 32586forget $26,000 of college education. 32587And you're still drinking ordinary scotch? 32588% 32589Look before you leap. 32590 -- Samuel Butler 32591% 32592Look ere ye leap. 32593 -- John Heywood 32594% 32595Look out! Behind you! 32596% 32597Look up and not down, look forward and not back, look out and not in, 32598and lend a hand. 32599 -- Edward Everett Hale, "Lowell Institute Lectures" (1869) 32600% 32601Look, we play the Star Spangled Banner before every game. You want us 32602to pay income taxes, too? 32603 -- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox 32604% 32605Look, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters, 32606con-men. That's the way businesses get started. That's the way this 32607country was built. 32608 -- Hubert Allen 32609% 32610Lookie, lookie, here comes cookie... 32611 -- Stephen Sondheim 32612% 32613Loose bits sink chips. 32614% 32615Lord, defend me from my friends; I can account for my enemies. 32616 -- Charles D'Hericault 32617% 32618Lord, what fools these mortals be! 32619 -- William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer-Night's Dream" 32620% 32621Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying 32622"BOOGA, BOOGA!" 32623% 32624Lost: gray and white female cat. 32625Answers to electric can opener. 32626% 32627Lost interest? It's so bad I've lost apathy. 32628% 32629Lots of folks are forced to skimp to support a government that won't. 32630% 32631Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny. 32632 -- Frank Hubbard 32633% 32634Lots of girls can be had for a song. 32635Unfortunately, it often turns out to be the wedding march. 32636% 32637Loud burping while walking around the airport is prohibited in 32638Halstead, Kansas. 32639% 32640Louie Louie, me gotta go 32641Louie Louie, me gotta go 32642 32643Fine little girl she waits for me 32644Me catch the ship for cross the sea 32645Me sail the ship all alone Three nights and days me sail the sea 32646Me never thinks me make it home Me think of girl constantly 32647(chorus) On the ship I dream she there 32648 I smell the rose in her hair 32649Me see Jamaica moon above (chorus, guitar solo) 32650It won't be long, me see my love 32651I take her in my arms and then 32652Me tell her I never leave again 32653 -- The real words to The Kingsmen's classic "Louie Louie" 32654% 32655LOVE: 32656 I'll let you play with my life if you'll let me play with yours. 32657% 32658LOVE: 32659 Love ties in a knot in the end of the rope. 32660% 32661LOVE: 32662 When, if asked to choose between your lover 32663 and happiness, you'd skip happiness in a heartbeat. 32664% 32665LOVE: 32666 When it's growing, you don't mind watering it with a few tears. 32667% 32668LOVE: 32669 When you don't want someone too close-- 32670 because you're very sensitive to pleasure. 32671% 32672LOVE: 32673 When you like to think of someone on days that begin with a morning. 32674% 32675Love -- the last of the serious diseases of childhood. 32676% 32677Love ain't nothin' but sex misspelled. 32678% 32679Love America - or give it back. 32680% 32681Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea. 32682% 32683Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the 32684world has ever seen. 32685% 32686Love cannot be much younger than the lust for murder. 32687 -- Sigmund Freud 32688% 32689Love conquers all things; let us too surrender to love. 32690 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) 32691% 32692Love in your heart wasn't put there to stay. 32693Love isn't love 'til you give it away. 32694 -- Oscar Hammerstein II 32695% 32696Love is a grave mental disease. 32697 -- Plato 32698% 32699Love is a slippery eel that bites like hell. 32700 -- Matt Groening 32701% 32702Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra, which suddenly flips 32703over, pinning you underneath. At night the ice weasels come. 32704 -- Matt Groening, "Love is Hell" 32705% 32706Love is a word that is constantly heard, 32707Hate is a word that is not. 32708Love, I am told, is more precious than gold. 32709Love, I have read, is hot. 32710But hate is the verb that to me is superb, 32711And Love but a drug on the mart. 32712Any kiddie in school can love like a fool, 32713But Hating, my boy, is an Art. 32714 -- Ogden Nash 32715% 32716Love is always open arms. With arms open you allow love to come and 32717go as it wills, freely, for it will do so anyway. If you close your 32718arms about love you'll find you are left only holding yourself. 32719% 32720Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real 32721with the ideal never goes unpunished. 32722 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 32723% 32724Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage. 32725 -- Dr. Karl Bowman 32726% 32727Love is being stupid together. 32728 -- Paul Valery 32729% 32730Love is dope, not chicken soup. I mean, love is something to be passed 32731around freely, not spooned down someone's throat for their own good by a 32732Jewish mother who cooked it all by herself. 32733% 32734Love is in the offing. 32735 -- The Homicidal Maniac 32736% 32737Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores you. 32738% 32739Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very 32740pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love 32741grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning 32742and unquenchable. 32743 -- Bruce Lee 32744% 32745Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it. 32746 -- Jerome K. Jerome 32747% 32748Love is never asking why? 32749% 32750Love is not enough, but it sure helps. 32751% 32752Love is sentimental measles. 32753% 32754Love is staying up all night with a sick child, or a healthy adult. 32755% 32756Love is the answer; but while you are waiting for the answer, sex 32757raises some pretty good questions. 32758 -- Woody Allen 32759% 32760Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. 32761 -- H. L. Mencken 32762% 32763Love is the desire to prostitute oneself. There is, indeed, no exalted 32764pleasure that cannot be related to prostitution. 32765 -- Charles Baudelaire 32766% 32767Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness. 32768 -- M. Hirschfield 32769% 32770Love is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself. 32771 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery 32772% 32773Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. 32774 -- H. L. Mencken 32775% 32776Love IS what it's cracked up to be. 32777% 32778Love is what you've been through with somebody. 32779 -- James Thurber 32780% 32781Love isn't only blind, it's also deaf, dumb, and stupid. 32782% 32783Love makes fools, marriage cuckolds, and patriotism malevolent imbeciles. 32784 -- Paul Leautaud, "Passe-temps" 32785% 32786Love makes the world go 'round, with a little help from intrinsic angular 32787momentum. 32788% 32789Love may laugh at locksmiths, but he has a profound respect for money bags. 32790 -- Sidney Paternoster, "The Folly of the Wise" 32791% 32792Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes. 32793% 32794Love means never having to say you're sorry. 32795 -- Eric Segal, "Love Story" 32796 32797That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. 32798 -- Ryan O'Neill, "What's Up Doc?" 32799% 32800Love means nothing to a tennis player. 32801% 32802Love tells us many things that are not so. 32803 -- Krainian proverb 32804% 32805Love the sea? I dote upon it -- from the beach. 32806% 32807Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood. 32808 -- Louise Beal 32809% 32810Love thy neighbor, tune thy piano. 32811% 32812Love to eat them mousies, 32813Mousies I love to eat. 32814Bite they little heads off, 32815Nibble at they tiny feet. 32816 -- Kliban 32817% 32818Love, which is quickly kindled in a gentle heart, 32819 seized this one for the fair form 32820 that was taken from me-and the way of it afflicts me still. 32821Love, which absolves no loved one from loving, 32822 seized me so strongly with delight in him, 32823 that, as you see, it does not leave me even now. 32824Love brought us to one death. 32825 -- La Divina Commedia: Inferno V, vv. 100-06 32826% 32827Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up 32828to. 32829% 32830Love your neighbour, yet don't pull down your hedge. 32831 -- Benjamin Franklin 32832% 32833Lowery's Law: 32834 If it jams -- force it. 32835 If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. 32836% 32837LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand. 32838% 32839Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: 32840 There's always one more bug. 32841% 32842Lucas is the source of many of the components of the legendarily reliable 32843British automotive electrical systems. Professionals call the company "The 32844Prince of Darkness". Of course, if Lucas were to design and manufacture 32845nuclear weapons, World War III would never get off the ground. The British 32846don't like warm beer any more than the Americans do. The British drink warm 32847beer because they have Lucas refrigerators. 32848% 32849Luck can't last a lifetime, unless you die young. 32850 -- Russell Banks 32851% 32852Luck, that's when preparation and opportunity meet. 32853 -- P. E. Trudeau 32854% 32855Lucky, adj.: 32856 When you have a wife and a cigarette 32857 lighter -- both of which work. 32858% 32859Lucky is he for whom the belle toils. 32860% 32861Lucy: Dance, dance, dance. That is all you ever do. 32862 Can't you be serious for once? 32863Snoopy: She is right! I think I had better think 32864 of the more important things in life! 32865 (pause) 32866 Tomorrow!! 32867% 32868Luke, I'm yer father, eh. Come over to the dark side, you hoser. 32869 -- Dave Thomas, "Strange Brew" 32870% 32871Lunatic Asylum, n.: 32872 The place where optimism most flourishes. 32873% 32874Lying is an indispensable part of making life tolerable. 32875 -- Bergan Evans 32876% 32877Lysistrata had a good idea. 32878% 32879Ma Bell is a mean mother! 32880% 32881MAC user's dynamic debugging list evaluator? Never heard of that. 32882% 32883Machine-Independent, adj.: 32884 Does not run on any existing machine. 32885% 32886Machine-independent program: 32887 A program that will not run on any machine. 32888% 32889Machines certainly can solve problems, store information, correlate, 32890and play games -- but not with pleasure. 32891 -- Leo Rosten 32892% 32893Machines have less problems. I'd like to be a machine. 32894 -- Andy Warhol 32895% 32896Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the 32897repairman arrives. 32898% 32899macho, adj.: 32900 Jogging home from your vasectomy. 32901% 32902Macho does not prove mucho. 32903 -- Zsa Zsa Gabor 32904% 32905Mad, adj.: 32906 Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence. 32907 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 32908% 32909Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them 32910first for seven hours, they always come out tender. 32911 -- W. C. Fields 32912% 32913Madison's Inquiry: 32914 If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class? 32915% 32916Madness takes its toll. 32917% 32918MAFIA, n.: 32919 [Acronym for Mechanized Applications in Forced Insurance 32920Accounting.] An extensive network with many on-line and offshore 32921subsystems running under OS, DOS, and IOS. MAFIA documentation is 32922rather scanty, and the MAFIA sales office exhibits that testy 32923reluctance to bona fide inquiries which is the hallmark of so many DP 32924operations. From the little that has seeped out, it would appear that 32925MAFIA operates under a non-standard protocol, OMERTA, a tight-lipped 32926variant of SNA, in which extended handshakes also perform complex 32927security functions. The known timesharing aspects of MAFIA point to a 32928more than usually autocratic operating system. Screen prompts carry an 32929imperative, nonrefusable weighting (most menus offer simple YES/YES 32930options, defaulting to YES) that precludes indifference or delay. 32931Uniquely, all editing under MAFIA is performed centrally, using a 32932powerful rubout feature capable of erasing files, filors, filees, and 32933entire nodal aggravations. 32934 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 32935% 32936Magary's Principle: 32937 When there is a public outcry to cut deadwood and fat from any 32938 government bureaucracy, it is the deadwood and the fat that do 32939 the cutting, and the public's services are cut. 32940% 32941Magic is always the best solution -- especially reliable magic. 32942% 32943Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism 32944 32945Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet. 32946 32947The two definitions immediately foregoing are condensed from the works 32948of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject 32949with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human 32950knowledge. 32951 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 32952% 32953Magnocartic, adj.: 32954 Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping 32955 carts. 32956 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 32957% 32958Magpie, n.: 32959 A bird whose thievish disposition suggested 32960 to someone that it might be taught to talk. 32961 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 32962% 32963MAIDEN AUNT: 32964 A girl who never had the sense to say "uncle." 32965% 32966Maiden, n.: 32967 A young person of the unfair sex addicted to clewless conduct and 32968 views that madden to crime. The genus has a wide geographical 32969 distribution, being found wherever sought and deplored wherever found. 32970 The maiden is not altogether unpleasing to the eye, nor (without her 32971 piano and her views) insupportable to the ear, though in respect to 32972 comeliness distinctly inferior to the rainbow, and, with regard to 32973 the part of her that is audible, beaten out of the field by the 32974 canary -- which, also, is more portable. 32975 32976Male, n.: 32977 A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male of the 32978 human race is commonly known to the female as Mere Man. The genus 32979 has two varieties: good providers and bad providers. 32980 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 32981% 32982Maier's Law: 32983 If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of. 32984 -- N. R. Maier, "American Psychologist", March 1960 32985 32986Corollaries: 32987 1. The bigger the theory, the better. 32988 2. The experiment may be considered a success if no more than 32989 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to 32990 obtain a correspondence with the theory. 32991% 32992Main's Law: 32993 For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. 32994% 32995Maintainer's Motto: 32996 If we can't fix it, it ain't broke. 32997% 32998Maj. Bloodnok: Seagoon, you're a coward! 32999Seagoon: Only in the holiday season. 33000Maj. Bloodnok: Ah, another Noel Coward! 33001% 33002Major premise: 33003 Sixty men can do sixty times as much work as one man. 33004Minor premise: 33005 A man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds. 33006Conclusion: 33007 Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second. 33008 33009Secondary Conclusion: 33010 Do you realize how many holes there would be if people 33011 would just take the time to take the dirt out of them? 33012% 33013Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly 33014 as one man. 33015 33016Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds. 33017 33018Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second. 33019 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 33020% 33021Majorities, of course, start with minorities. 33022 -- Robert Moses 33023% 33024Majority, n.: 33025 That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law. 33026% 33027Make a wish, it might come true. 33028% 33029Make headway at work. Continue to let things deteriorate at home. 33030% 33031Make it myself? But I'm a physical organic chemist! 33032% 33033Make it right before you make it faster. 33034% 33035Make no little plans; they have no magic to stir men's blood. 33036 -- Daniel Hudson Burnham 33037% 33038Make sure your code does nothing gracefully. 33039% 33040Make war not sex. (It's safer.) 33041% 33042Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users 33043tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It 33044has been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is 33045the message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files. 33046 -- System V.2 administrator's guide 33047% 33048Malek's Law: 33049 Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way. 33050% 33051MALPRACTICE: 33052 The reason surgeons wear masks. 33053% 33054Man 1: Ask me. "What is the most important thing about telling a good 33055 joke?" 33056 33057Man 2: OK, what is the most impo -- 33058 33059Man 1: ______TIMING! 33060% 33061Man and wife make one fool. 33062% 33063Man belongs wherever he wants to go. 33064 -- Wernher von Braun 33065% 33066Man has always assumed that he is more intelligent than dolphins because 33067he has achieved so much -- the wheel, New York, wars and so on -- while 33068all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good 33069time. But, conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were 33070far more intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons. 33071 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 33072% 33073Man has made his bedlam; let him lie in it. 33074 -- Fred Allen 33075% 33076Man has never reconciled himself to the ten commandments. 33077% 33078Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. 33079 -- Lily Tomlin 33080% 33081Man is a military animal, 33082Glories in gunpowder, and loves parade. 33083 -- P. J. Bailey 33084% 33085Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called 33086upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason. 33087 -- Oscar Wilde 33088% 33089Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this-- 33090no dog exchanges bones with another. 33091 -- Adam Smith 33092% 33093Man is by nature a political animal. 33094 -- Aristotle 33095% 33096Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the 33097only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor. 33098 -- Wernher von Braun 33099% 33100Man is the measure of all things. 33101 -- Protagoras 33102% 33103Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to. 33104 -- Mark Twain 33105% 33106Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the 33107victims he intends to eat until he eats them. 33108 -- Samuel Butler (1835-1902) 33109% 33110Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps; 33111for he is the only animal that is struck with the 33112difference between what things are and what they ought to be. 33113 -- William Hazlitt 33114% 33115Man must shape his tools lest they shape him. 33116 -- Arthur R. Miller 33117% 33118Man, n.: 33119 An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks 33120he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief 33121occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which, 33122however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole 33123habitable earth and Canada. 33124 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 33125% 33126Man proposes, God disposes. 33127 -- Thomas a Kempis 33128% 33129Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it 33130is an enemy. 33131 -- Albert Einstein 33132% 33133Man who arrives at party two hours late 33134will find he has been beaten to the punch. 33135% 33136Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought. 33137% 33138Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self. 33139% 33140Man who sleep in beer keg wake up sticky. 33141% 33142Man will never fly. 33143Space travel is merely a dream. 33144All aspirin is alike. 33145% 33146Management: How many feet do mice have? 33147Reply: Mice have four feet. 33148M: Elaborate! 33149R: Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet. 33150M: No discussion of fifth appendage! 33151R: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet; one is a tail. 33152M: What? Feet with no legs? 33153R: Mice have four legs, four feet, and one tail per unit-mouse. 33154M: Confusing -- is that a total of 9 appendages? 33155R: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per body. 33156M: Does not fully discuss the issue! 33157R: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg 33158 is equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail 33159 is not equipped with a foot. 33160M: Descriptive? Yes. Forceful NO! 33161R: Allotment of appendages for mice will be: Four foot-leg assemblies, 33162 one tail. Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would 33163 constitute misapportionment of scarce appendage assets. 33164M: Too authoritarian; stifles creativity! 33165R: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined 33166 integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system. Also 33167 attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and 33168 ornamental in nature. 33169M: Too verbose/scientific. Answer the question! 33170R: Mice have four feet. 33171% 33172MANAGEMENT: 33173 The art of getting other people to do all the work. 33174% 33175MANAGER: 33176 A man known for giving great meeting. 33177% 33178Mandrell: "You know what I think?" 33179Doctor: "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you 33180 don't think, right?" 33181 -- "Doctor Who" 33182% 33183Man-hour, n.: 33184 A sexist, obsolete measure of macho effort, equal to 60 Kiplings. 33185% 33186Manic-depressive, n.: 33187 Easy glum, easy glow. 33188% 33189Mankind is poised midway between the gods and the beasts. 33190 -- Plotinus 33191% 33192Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history, 33193dating back to the time millions of years ago, when the first primitive 33194man picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the 33195air, and whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first 33196primitive umpire. 33197 33198What inner force drove this first athlete? Your guess is as good as 33199mine. Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers. 33200 -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" 33201% 33202Manly's Maxim: 33203 Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion 33204 with confidence. 33205% 33206Man's horizons are bounded by his vision. 33207% 33208Man's reach must exceed his grasp, for why else the heavens? 33209% 33210Man's unique agony as a species consists in his perpetual 33211conflict between the desire to stand out and the need to blend in. 33212 -- Sydney J. Harris 33213% 33214Manual, n.: 33215 A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a 33216given item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The 33217information you need is in the others. 33218 -- Ray Simard 33219% 33220Many a bum show has been saved by the flag. 33221 -- George M. Cohan 33222% 33223Many a family tree needs trimming. 33224% 33225Many a long dispute between divines may thus be abridged: It is so. It 33226is not so. It is so. It is not so. 33227 -- Benjamin Franklin, "Poor Richard's Almanack" 33228% 33229Many a man that can't direct you to a corner drugstore will 33230get a respectful hearing when age has further impaired his mind. 33231 -- Finley Peter Dunne 33232% 33233Many a town that didn't have enough work to support a single lawyer 33234can easily support two or more. 33235% 33236Many a writer seems to think he is never profound 33237except when he can't understand his own meaning. 33238 -- George D. Prentice 33239% 33240Many are called, few are chosen. 33241Fewer still get to do the choosing. 33242% 33243Many are called, few volunteer. 33244% 33245Many are cold, but few are frozen. 33246% 33247Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long. 33248% 33249Many companies that have made themselves dependent on [the equipment of a 33250certain major manufacturer] (and in doing so have sold their soul to the 33251devil) will collapse under the sheer weight of the unmastered complexity of 33252their data processing systems. 33253 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 33254% 33255Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher. The butcher is 33256weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and 33257weeks. He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists, 33258but he sings about his gingivectomist, he dreams about a single cosmologist, 33259he thinks about his dog. The dog is named Herbert. 33260 -- Racter, "The Policeman's Beard is Half-Constructed" 33261% 33262Many hands make light work. 33263 -- John Heywood 33264% 33265Many husbands go broke on the money their wives save on sales. 33266% 33267Many mental processes admit of being roughly measured. For instance, 33268the degree to which people are bored, by counting the number of their 33269fidgets. I not infrequently tried this method at the meetings of the 33270Royal Geographical Society, for even there dull memoirs are occasionally 33271read. [...] The use of a watch attracts attention, so I reckon time 33272by the number of my breathings, of which there are 15 in a minute. They 33273are not counted mentally, but are punctuated by pressing with 15 fingers 33274successively. The counting is reserved for the fidgets. These observations 33275should be confined to persons of middle age. Children are rarely still, 33276while elderly philosophers will sometimes remain rigid for minutes altogether. 33277 -- Francis Galton, 1909 33278% 33279Many of the characters are fools and they are always playing 33280tricks on me and treating me badly. 33281 -- Jorge Luis Borges, from "Writers on Writing" by Jon Winokur 33282% 33283Many of the convicted thieves Parker has met began their 33284life of crime after taking college Computer Science courses. 33285 -- Roger Rapoport, "Programs for Plunder", Omni, March 1981 33286% 33287Many pages make a thick book. 33288% 33289Many pages make a thick book, except for pocket Bibles which are on very 33290thin paper. 33291% 33292Many people are desperately looking for some wise advice 33293which will recommend that they do what they want to do. 33294% 33295Many people are secretly interested in life. 33296% 33297Many people are unenthusiastic about their work. 33298% 33299Many people are unenthusiastic about your work. 33300% 33301Many people feel that if you won't let 33302them make you happy, they'll make you suffer. 33303% 33304Many people feel that they deserve some kind of 33305recognition for all the bad things they haven't done. 33306% 33307Many people resent being treated like the person they really are. 33308% 33309Many people would rather die than think; in fact, most do. 33310 -- Bertrand Russell 33311% 33312Many people write memos to tell you they have nothing to say. 33313% 33314Many receive advice, few profit by it. 33315 -- Publilius Syrus 33316% 33317Many years ago in a period commonly known as Next Friday Afternoon, 33318there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he 33319was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how 33320completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday ... 33321 -- Walt Kelly 33322% 33323Margaret, are you grieving 33324Over Goldengrove unleaving? 33325Leaves, like the things of man, 33326You, with your fresh thoughts 33327Care for, can you? 33328Ah! as the heart grows older 33329It will come to such sights colder 33330By and by, nor spare a sigh 33331Though worlds of wanwood leafmeal lie 33332And yet you will weep and know why. 33333Now no matter, child, the name 33334Sorrow's springs are the same: 33335It is the blight man was born for, 33336It is Margaret you mourn for. 33337 -- Gerard Manley Hopkins 33338% 33339Marigold: Jealousy 33340Mint: Virute 33341Orange blossom: Your purity equals your loveliness 33342Orchid: Beauty, magnificence 33343Pansy: Thoughts 33344Peach blossom: I am your captive 33345Petunia: Your presence soothes me 33346Poppy: Sleep 33347Rose, any color: Love 33348Rose, deep red: Bashful shame 33349Rose, single, pink: Simplicity 33350Rose, thornless, any: Early attachment 33351Rose, white: I am worthy of you 33352Rose, yellow: Decrease of love, rise of jealousy 33353Rosebud, white: Girlhood, and a heart ignorant of love 33354Rosemary: Remembrance 33355Sunflower: Haughtiness 33356Tulip, red: Declaration of love 33357Tulip, yellow: Hopeless love 33358Violet, blue: Faithfulness 33359Violet, white: Modesty 33360Zinnia: Thoughts of absent friends 33361 * An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning. 33362% 33363Marijuana is nature's way of saying, "Hi!". 33364% 33365Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students 33366who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize 33367it in order to protect themselves. 33368 -- Lenny Bruce 33369% 33370Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery: 33371 Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a 33372simple yes or no answer. 33373% 33374MARRIAGE: 33375 An old, established institution, entered into by two people deeply 33376 in love and desiring to make a commitment to each other expressing 33377 that love. In short, commitment to an institution. 33378% 33379MARRIAGE: 33380 Convertible bonds. 33381% 33382Marriage always demands the greatest understanding of the art of 33383insincerity possible between two human beings. 33384 -- Vicki Baum 33385% 33386Marriage causes dating problems. 33387% 33388Marriage, in life, is like a duel in the midst of a battle. 33389 -- Edmond About 33390% 33391Marriage is a ghastly public confession of a strictly private intention. 33392% 33393Marriage is a great institution -- but I'm 33394not ready for an institution yet. 33395 -- Mae West 33396% 33397Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you'd be 33398surprised at the large number that re-enlist. 33399 -- James Garner 33400% 33401Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter. 33402% 33403Marriage is a three ring circus: 33404engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. 33405 -- Roger Price 33406% 33407Marriage is an institution in which two undertake 33408to become one, and one undertakes to become nothing. 33409% 33410Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a brand of beer 33411exactly to his taste he should at once throw up his job and go to work 33412in the brewery. 33413 -- George Jean Nathan 33414% 33415Marriage is learning about women the hard way. 33416% 33417Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning handsprings, or eating with 33418chopsticks. It looks easy until you try it. 33419% 33420Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it. 33421 -- Baskins 33422% 33423Marriage is not merely sharing the fettuccine, but sharing the 33424burden of finding the fettuccine restaurant in the first place. 33425 -- Calvin Trillin 33426% 33427Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. 33428 -- Voltaire 33429% 33430Marriage is the process of finding out what 33431kind of man your wife would have preferred. 33432% 33433Marriage is the waste-paper basket of the emotions. 33434% 33435Marriage, n.: 33436 The evil aye. 33437% 33438Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on earth. 33439 -- John Lyly 33440% 33441Marry in haste and everyone starts counting the months. 33442% 33443MARTA SAYS THE INTERESTING thing about fly-fishing is that its two lives 33444connected by a thin strand. 33445 33446Come on, Marta, grow up. 33447 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 33448% 33449MARTA WAS WATCHING THE FOOTBALL GAME with me when she said, "You know most 33450of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its 33451territory from invasion by another group." 33452 33453"Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny. 33454 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 33455% 33456Martin was probably ripping them off. That's some family, isn't it? 33457Incest, prostitution, fanaticism, software. 33458 -- Charles Willeford, "Miami Blues" 33459% 33460'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability. 33461 -- George Bernard Shaw 33462% 33463Marvelous! The super-user's going to boot me! 33464What a finely tuned response to the situation! 33465% 33466Marvin the Nature Lover spied a grasshopper hopping along in the grass, 33467and in a mood for communing with nature, rare even among full-fledged 33468Nature Lovers, he spoke to the grasshopper, saying: "Hello, friend 33469grasshopper. Did you know they've named a drink after you?" 33470 "Really?" replied the grasshopper, obviously pleased. "They've 33471named a drink Fred?" 33472% 33473Marxist Law of Distribution of Wealth: 33474 Shortages will be divided equally among the peasants. 33475% 33476Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow, 33477And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go. 33478It followed her through rain or snow, lightning, sleet or hail. 33479It fetched the evening paper, her slippers, and the mail. 33480She never had a moments peace; the lamb was always on her heels, 33481And on her feet its head would rest, while she ate her meals. 33482It followed her to school one day, the devotion never ended. 33483The lamb waltzed into her history class and Mary got suspended. 33484The night she went to Senior Prom, she thought she had him beat, 33485Until she heard a mournful "Baaa" coming from her car's seat. 33486Oh, Mary had a little lamb, it surely didn't please her. 33487So for dinner she had lambchops; the rest is in the freezer. 33488 -- Alma Garcia 33489% 33490Maryann's Law: 33491 You can always find what you're not looking for. 33492% 33493Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on 33494the dance floor. Now everyone's doing it. It's called grand slam 33495dancing. 33496 -- Ransford, Chicago Reader 10/7/83 33497% 33498Maslow's Maxim: 33499 If the only tool you have is a hammer, 33500 you treat everything like a nail. 33501% 33502Mason's First Law of Synergism: 33503The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut. 33504% 33505Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy. 33506% 33507Mastery of UNIX, like mastery of language, offers real freedom. The 33508price of freedom is always dear, but there's no substitute. 33509 -- Thomas Scoville 33510% 33511Masturbation is the thinking man's television. 33512 -- Christopher Hampton 33513% 33514Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it! 33515 -- Monty Python 33516% 33517Mater artium necessitas. 33518 [Necessity is the mother of invention]. 33519% 33520Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant. 33521 -- Malcolm Smith 33522% 33523MATH AND ALCOHOL DON'T MIX! 33524 Please, don't drink and derive. 33525 33526 Mathematicians 33527 Against 33528 Drunk 33529 Deriving 33530% 33531Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated. 33532 -- R. Drabek 33533% 33534Mathematician, n.: 33535 Some one who believes imaginary things appear right before your i's. 33536% 33537Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they 33538translate into their own language, and forthwith it is something 33539entirely different. 33540 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 33541% 33542Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is 33543described as being n-dimensional. Like modern sex, any number can 33544play. 33545 -- Dr. Thor Wald, in "Beep/The Quincunx of Time", by 33546 James Blish 33547% 33548Mathematicians practice absolute freedom. 33549 -- Henry Adams 33550% 33551Mathematics deals exclusively with the relations of concepts 33552to each other without consideration of their relation to experience. 33553 -- Albert Einstein 33554% 33555Mathematics is the only science where one never knows what 33556one is talking about nor whether what is said is true. 33557 -- Russell 33558% 33559Mathematics, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth but supreme beauty -- 33560a beauty cold and austere, like that of a sculpture, without appeal to any 33561part of our weaker nature, without the gorgeous trapping of painting or music, 33562yet sublimely pure, and capable of a stern perfection such as only the 33563greatest art can show. The true spirit of delight, the exaltation, the sense 33564of being more than man, which is the touchstone of the highest excellence, is 33565to be found in mathematics as surely as in poetry. 33566 -- Bertrand Russell 33567% 33568Matrimony is the root of all evil. 33569% 33570Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence. 33571% 33572Matter cannot be created or destroyed, 33573nor can it be returned without a receipt. 33574% 33575Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value. 33576% 33577[Maturity consists in the discovery that] there comes a critical moment 33578where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand 33579more and more that there is something which cannot be understood. 33580 -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855) 33581% 33582Maturity is only a short break in adolescence. 33583 -- Jules Feiffer 33584% 33585Matz's Law: 33586 A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 33587% 33588May a hundred thousand midgets invade your home singing cheezy lounge-lizard 33589versions of songs from The Wizard of Oz. 33590% 33591May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts. 33592% 33593May all your Emus lay soft boiled eggs, and may all your 33594Kangaroos be born with iPods already fitted. 33595 -- Aussie New Years wish, found on hasselbladinfo.com 33596% 33597May all your PUSHes be POPped. 33598% 33599May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual! 33600% 33601May the bluebird of happiness twiddle your bits. 33602% 33603May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones. 33604% 33605May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits. 33606% 33607May those that love us love us; and those that don't love us, may 33608God turn their hearts; and if he doesn't turn their hearts, may 33609he turn their ankles so we'll know them by their limping. 33610% 33611May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse. 33612% 33613May you have many beautiful and obedient daughters. 33614% 33615May you have many handsome and obedient sons. 33616% 33617May you have warm words on a cold evening, 33618a full moon on a dark night, 33619and a smooth road all the way to your door. 33620% 33621May you live in uninteresting times. 33622 -- Chinese proverb 33623% 33624May your camel be as swift as the wind. 33625% 33626May your SO always know when you need a hug. 33627% 33628May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a 33629Thousand Caramels. 33630% 33631Maybe ain't ain't so correct, but I notice that 33632lots of folks who ain't using ain't ain't eatin' well. 33633 -- Will Rogers 33634% 33635Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology. 33636 -- R. S. Barton 33637% 33638Maybe Jesus was right when he said that the meek shall inherit the 33639earth -- but they inherit very small plots, about six feet by three. 33640 -- Lazarus Long 33641% 33642Maybe we can get together and show off to each other sometimes. 33643% 33644Maybe we should think of this as one perfect week... where we found each 33645other, and loved each other... and then let each other go before anyone 33646had to seek professional help. 33647% 33648Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge 33649it. 33650% 33651May's Law: 33652 The quality of correlation is inversely proportional to the density 33653 of control. (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.) 33654% 33655McDonald's -- Because you're worth it. 33656% 33657McEwan's Rule of Relative Importance: 33658 When traveling with a herd of elephants, 33659 don't be the first to lie down and rest. 33660% 33661Meader's Law: 33662 Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to 33663everyone you know, only more so. 33664% 33665Meade's Maxim: 33666Always remember that you are absolutely unique, 33667just like everyone else. 33668% 33669Meanehwael, baccat meaddehaele, monstaer lurccen; 33670Fulle few too many drincce, hie luccen for fyht. 33671[D]en Hreorfneorht[d]hwr, son of Hrwaerow[p]heororthwl, 33672AEsccen aewful jeork to steop outsyd. 33673[P]hud! Bashe! Crasch! Beoom! [D]e bigge gye 33674Eallum his bon brak, byt his nose offe; 33675Wicced Godsylla waeld on his asse. 33676Monstaer moppe fleor wy[p] eallum men in haelle. 33677Beowulf in bacceroome fonecall bemaccen waes; 33678Hearen sond of ruccus saed, "Hwaet [d]e helle?" 33679Graben sheold strang ond swich-blaed scharp 33680Sond feorth to fyht [d]e grimlic foe. 33681"Me," Godsylla saed, "mac [d]e minsemete." 33682Heoro cwyc geten heold wi[p] faemed half-nelson 33683Ond flyng him lic frisbe bac to fen. 33684Beowulf belly up to meaddehaele bar, 33685Saed, "Ne foe beaten mie faersom cung-fu." 33686Eorderen cocca-colha yce-coeld, [d]e reol [p]yng. 33687% 33688Meantime, in the slums below Ronnie's Ranch, Cynthia feels as if some one 33689has made voodoo boxen of her and her favorite backplanes. On this fine 33690moonlit night, some horrible persona has been jabbing away at, dragging 33691magnets over, and surging these voodoo boxen. Fortunately, they seem to 33692have gotten a bit bored and fallen asleep, for it looks like Cynthia may 33693get to go home. However, she has made note to quickly put together a totem 33694of sweaty, sordid static straps, random bits of wire, flecks of once meaningful 33695oxide, bus grant cards, gummy worms, and some bits of old pdp backplane to 33696hang above the machine room. This totem must be blessed by the old and wise 33697venerable god of unibus at once, before the idolatization of vme, q and pc 33698bus drive him to bitter revenge. Alas, if this fails, and the voodoo boxen 33699aren't destroyed, there may be more than worms in the apple. Next, the 33700arrival of voodoo optico transmitigational magneto killer paramecium, capable 33701of teleporting from cable to cable, screen to screen, ear to ear and hoof 33702to mouth... 33703% 33704Measure twice, cut once. 33705% 33706Mediocrity finds safety in standardization. 33707 -- Frederick Crane 33708% 33709Meekness is uncommon patience in planning a worthwhile revenge. 33710% 33711Meester, do you vant to buy a duck? 33712% 33713Meeting, n.: 33714 An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or 33715 department not represented in the room must solve a problem. 33716% 33717MEETINGS: 33718 A place where minutes are kept and hours are lost. 33719% 33720Meetings are an addictive, highly self indulgent activity that 33721corporations and other large organizations habitually engage 33722in only because they cannot actually masturbate. 33723 -- Dave Barry 33724% 33725MEMO: 33726 An interoffice communication too often written more for 33727 the benefit of the person who sends it than the person 33728 who receives it. 33729% 33730MEMORIES OF MY FAMILY MEETINGS still are a source of strength to me. I 33731remember we'd all get into the car -- I forget what kind it was -- and 33732drive and drive. 33733 33734I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some bees there. The 33735smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we 33736played. I remember a bigger, older guy whom we called "Dad." We'd eat 33737some stuff or not and then I think we went home. 33738 33739I guess some things never leave you. 33740 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 33741% 33742Memory fault -- brain fried 33743% 33744Memory fault -- core...uh...um...core... Oh dammit, I forget! 33745% 33746Memory fault - where am I? 33747% 33748Memory should be the starting point of the present. 33749% 33750Men are always ready to respect anything that bores them. 33751 -- Marilyn Monroe 33752% 33753Men are superior to women. 33754 -- The Koran 33755% 33756Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands. 33757 -- Jayne Mansfield 33758% 33759Men aren't attracted to me by my mind. 33760They're attracted by what I don't mind... 33761 -- Gypsy Rose Lee 33762% 33763Men freely believe that what they wish to desire. 33764 -- Julius Caesar 33765% 33766Men have a much better time of it than women; for one 33767thing they marry later; for another thing they die earlier. 33768 -- H. L. Mencken 33769% 33770Men have as exaggerated an idea of their 33771rights as women have of their wrongs. 33772 -- Edgar W. Howe 33773% 33774Men live for three things, fast cars, fast women and fast food. 33775% 33776Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science. 33777% 33778Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it 33779from religious conviction. 33780 -- Blaise Pascal, "Pens'ees", 1670 33781% 33782Men never make passes at girls wearing glasses. 33783 -- Dorothy Parker 33784% 33785Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them 33786pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. 33787 -- Winston Churchill 33788% 33789Men of lofty genius when they are doing the least work are most active. 33790 -- Leonardo da Vinci 33791% 33792Men of quality are not afraid of women for equality. 33793% 33794Men often believe -- or pretend -- that the "Law" is something sacred, or 33795at least a science -- an unfounded assumption very convenient to governments. 33796% 33797Men ought to know that from the brain and from the brain only arise our 33798pleasures, joys, laughter, and jests as well as our sorrows, pains, griefs 33799and tears. ... It is the same thing which makes us mad or delirious, 33800inspires us with dread and fear, whether by night or by day, brings us 33801sleeplessness, inopportune mistakes, aimless anxieties, absent-mindedness 33802and acts that are contrary to habit... 33803 -- Hippocrates, "The Sacred Disease" 33804% 33805Men say of women what pleases them; women do with men what pleases them. 33806 -- DeSegur 33807% 33808Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples. 33809% 33810Men still remember the first kiss after women have forgotten the last. 33811% 33812Men take only their needs into consideration -- never their abilities. 33813 -- Napoleon Bonaparte 33814% 33815Men use thought only to justify their wrong doings, 33816and speech only to conceal their thoughts. 33817 -- Voltaire 33818% 33819Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures 33820from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha 33821Centauri. Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man 33822had split before. Thus was the Empire forged. 33823 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 33824% 33825Men who cherish for women the highest 33826respect are seldom popular with them. 33827 -- Joseph Addison 33828% 33829Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American: 33830 The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife. 33831% 33832Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American: 33833 The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the 33834 cork makes when it is popped. 33835% 33836Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American: 33837 All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards. 33838% 33839Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American: 33840 Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that 33841 is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city 33842 can ever hope to acquire it. 33843% 33844Mene, mene, tekel, upharsin. 33845% 33846Mental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended to 33847corrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed violence entirely in 33848favor of smart solutions to stupid problems. 33849 -- Piers Anthony 33850% 33851Mental things which have not gone in through the 33852senses are vain and bring forth no truth except detrimental. 33853 -- Leonardo 33854% 33855Menu, n.: 33856 A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of. 33857% 33858Meskimen's Law: 33859 There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to 33860 do it over. 33861% 33862MESSAGE ACKNOWLEDGED -- The Pershing II missiles have been launched. 33863% 33864Message from Our Sponsor on ttyTV at 13:58 ... 33865% 33866Message will arrive in the mail. 33867Destroy, before the FBI sees it. 33868% 33869METEOROLOGIST: 33870 One who doubts the established fact that it is 33871 bound to rain if you forget your umbrella. 33872% 33873Metermaids eat their young. 33874% 33875methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphenylalanylalanylglutamin- 33876ylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolyl- 33877phenylalanylvalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglu- 33878taminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanyl- 33879glycylalanylaspartylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolylphenylala- 33880nylserylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylgluta- 33881minylasparaginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylgly- 33882cylvalylthreonylprolylalanylglutaminylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionyl- 33883leucylalanylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolylthreonylisoleu- 33884cylprolylisoleucylglycylleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylva- 33885lylphenylalanylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyltyro- 33886sylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleu- 33887cylvalylalanylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolylphe- 33888nylalanylarginylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylala- 33889nylprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalanylas- 33890partylaspartylaspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosyl- 33891glycylarginylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylalanylglycyl- 33892valylthreonylglycylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginylalanylalanylleucylprolylleu- 33893cylasparaginylhistidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparagi- 33894nylalanylalanylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylse- 33895rylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylaspartylalanyl- 33896glycylalanylalanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalylly- 33897sylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylpro- 33898lylglutamyllysylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalyl- 33899glutaminylprolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine, n.: 33900 The chemical name for tryptophan synthetase A protein, a 33901 1,913-letter enzyme with 267 amino acids. 33902 -- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and 33903 Preposterous Words 33904% 33905Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch. 33906% 33907MICRO: 33908 Thinker toys. 33909% 33910Micro Credo: 33911 Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift. 33912% 33913Microbiology Lab: Staph Only! 33914% 33915Microwave oven? Whaddya mean, it's a microwave oven? I've been 33916watching Channel 4 on the thing for two weeks. 33917% 33918Microwaves frizz your heir. 33919% 33920Mieux vaut tard que jamais! 33921% 33922Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you 33923out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles. 33924 -- Signor Ferrari, "Casablanca" (1942) 33925% 33926Mike: "The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?" 33927Bernie: "Nobody ever empties the ashtrays. People are SO 33928 inconsiderate." 33929 -- Gary Trudeau, "Doonesbury" 33930% 33931Miksch's Law: 33932 If a string has one end, then it has another end. 33933% 33934Militant agnostic: I don't know, and you don't either. 33935% 33936Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. 33937 -- Groucho Marx 33938% 33939Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. 33940 -- Groucho Marx 33941% 33942Miller's Slogan: 33943 Lose a few, lose a few. 33944% 33945Millihelen, adj.: 33946 The amount of beauty required to launch one ship. 33947% 33948Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with 33949themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. 33950 -- Susan Ertz 33951% 33952Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that 33953politics is almost always the choice of the lesser evil. "Tweedledum 33954and Tweedledee," they say, "I will not vote." Having abstained, they 33955are presented with a President who appoints the people who are going to 33956rummage around in their lives for the next four years. Consider all 33957the people who sat home in a stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert 33958Humphrey. They showed Humphrey. Those people who taught Hubert 33959Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the Nixon Supreme Court when 33960Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among the gold and the 33961black. 33962 -- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery" 33963% 33964Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there 33965is particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, 33966myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in 33967the trade. But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my 33968unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You 33969will therefore permit me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as 33970dead as a door-nail. 33971% 33972Mind your own business, Spock. 33973I'm sick of your halfbreed interference. 33974% 33975Mind your own business, then you don't mind mine. 33976% 33977Minicomputer: 33978 A computer that can be afforded on the budget of a middle-level 33979 manager. 33980% 33981Minnesota -- 33982 home of the blonde hair and blue ears. 33983 mosquito supplier to the free world. 33984 come fall in love with a loon. 33985 where visitors turn blue with envy. 33986 one day it's warm, the rest of the year it's cold. 33987 land of many cultures -- mostly throat. 33988 where the elite meet sleet. 33989 glove it or leave it. 33990 many are cold, but few are frozen. 33991 land of the ski and home of the crazed. 33992 land of 10,000 Petersons. 33993% 33994Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner. 33995% 33996Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap 33997pistols; they may buy shotguns freely, however. 33998% 33999MIPS: 34000 Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed 34001% 34002Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images. 34003 -- Jean Cocteau 34004% 34005Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate. 34006% 34007Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it. 34008 -- Russell Baker 34009% 34010Misfortune, n.: 34011 The kind of fortune that never misses. 34012 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 34013% 34014Misfortunes arrive on wings and leave on foot. 34015% 34016Miss, n.: 34017 A title with which we brand unmarried 34018 women to indicate that they are in the market. 34019 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 34020% 34021Mistakeholder, n.: 34022 A person who depends on accidental features or 34023 implementation errors and so now has a vested 34024 interest in keeping things from being fixed. 34025 -- Chip Morningstar 34026% 34027Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure. 34028% 34029Mistrust first impulses; they are always right. 34030% 34031MIT: 34032 The Georgia Tech of the North 34033% 34034Mitchell's Law of Committees: 34035 Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are 34036held to discuss it. 34037% 34038Mittsquinter, adj.: 34039 A ballplayer who looks into his glove after missing the ball, 34040 as if, somehow, the cause of the error lies there. 34041 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 34042% 34043Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans; 34044it's lovely to be silly at the right moment. 34045 -- Horace 34046% 34047Mixed emotions: 34048 Watching a bus-load of lawyers plunge off a cliff. 34049 With five empty seats. 34050% 34051Mix's Law: 34052 There is nothing more permanent than a temporary building. 34053 There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax. 34054% 34055MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed) 34056 34057 Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers 340582 cups water 2 cups sugar 340592 teaspoons cream of tartar 2 tablespoons lemon juice 34060 Grated rind of one lemon Butter or margarine 34061 Cinnamon 34062 34063Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break 34064RITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar 34065and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon 34066juice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously 34067with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top 34068crust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let 34069steam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust 34070is crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices. 34071 -- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box 34072% 34073Modeling paged and segmented memories is tricky business. 34074 -- P. J. Denning 34075% 34076Modem, adj.: 34077 Up-to-date, new-fangled, as in "Thoroughly Modem Millie." An 34078 unfortunate byproduct of kerning. 34079% 34080Moderation in all things. 34081 -- Publius Terentius Afer [Terence] 34082% 34083Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess. 34084 -- Oscar Wilde 34085% 34086Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade 34087themselves that they have a better idea. 34088 -- John Ciardi 34089% 34090Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings. 34091% 34092Modern psychology takes completely for granted that behavior and neural 34093function are perfectly correlated, that one is completely caused by the 34094other. There is no separate soul or lifeforce to stick a finger into the 34095brain now and then and make neural cells do what they would not otherwise. 34096Actually, of course, this is a working assumption only. ... It is quite 34097conceivable that someday the assumption will have to be rejected. But it 34098is important also to see that we have not reached that day yet: the working 34099assumption is a necessary one and there is no real evidence opposed to it. 34100Our failure to solve a problem so far does not make it insoluble. One cannot 34101logically be a determinist in physics and biology, and a mystic in psychology. 34102 -- D. O. Hebb, "Organization of Behavior: 34103 A Neuropsychological Theory", 1949 34104% 34105MODESTY: 34106 Being comfortable that others will discover your greatness. 34107% 34108Modesty is a vastly overrated virtue. 34109 -- J. K. Galbraith 34110% 34111Modesty: the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending 34112 not to be aware of it. 34113 -- Oliver Herford 34114% 34115Moe: Wanna play poker tonight? 34116Joe: I can't. It's the kids' night out. 34117Moe: So? 34118Joe: I gotta stay home with the nurse. 34119% 34120Moe: What did you give your wife for Valentine's Day? 34121Joe: The usual gift -- she ate my heart out. 34122% 34123Moebius always does it on the same side. 34124% 34125Moebius strippers never show you their back side. 34126% 34127Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly. An aide once asked him 34128how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just last week. 34129The great man replied that it was because this week he knew better. 34130% 34131Moishe Margolies, who weighed all of 105 pounds and stood an even five feet 34132in his socks, was taking his first airplane trip. He took a seat next to a 34133hulking bruiser of a man who happened to be the heavyweight champion of 34134the world. Little Moishe was uneasy enough before he even entered the plane, 34135but now the roar of the engines and the great height absolutely terrified him. 34136So frightened did he become that his stomach turned over and he threw up all 34137over the muscular giant siting beside him. Fortunately, at least for Moishe, 34138the man was sound asleep. But now the little man had another problem. How in 34139the world would he ever explain the situation to the burly brute when he 34140awakened? The sudden voice of the stewardess on the plane's intercom, finally 34141woke the bruiser, and Moishe, his heart in his mouth, rose to the occasion. 34142 "Feeling better now?" he asked solicitously. 34143% 34144Molecule, n.: 34145 The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished from 34146 the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a 34147 closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit 34148 of matter... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and 34149 the atom in that it is an ion... 34150 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 34151% 34152Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis: 34153 If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented 34154it wasn't worth doing. 34155% 34156MOMENTUM: 34157 What you give a person when they are going away. 34158% 34159Mommy, what happens to your files when you die? 34160% 34161Mom's Law: 34162 When they finally do have to take you to the 34163 hospital, your underwear won't be clean or new. 34164% 34165Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life. 34166% 34167Monday, n.: 34168 In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game. 34169 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 34170% 34171Monday, n.: 34172 In Christian countries, the day after the football game. 34173 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 34174% 34175Money and women are the most sought after and the least known of any two 34176things we have. 34177 -- The Best of Will Rogers 34178% 34179Money cannot buy love, nor even friendship. 34180% 34181Money cannot buy 34182The fuel of love 34183but is excellent kindling. 34184 34185To the man-in-the-street, who, I'm sorry to say, 34186Is a keen observer of life, 34187The word intellectual suggests right away 34188A man who's untrue to his wife. 34189 -- W. H. Auden, "Collected Shorter Poems" 34190% 34191Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you 34192awfully comfortable while you're being miserable. 34193 -- C. B. Luce 34194% 34195Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position. 34196 -- Christopher Marlowe 34197% 34198Money doesn't talk, it swears. 34199 -- Bob Dylan 34200% 34201Money is a powerful aphrodisiac. But flowers work almost as well. 34202 -- Lazarus Long 34203% 34204Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. 34205% 34206Money is its own reward. 34207% 34208Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots. 34209% 34210Money is the root of all wealth. 34211% 34212Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash. 34213 -- Lazarus Long 34214% 34215Money isn't everything -- but it's a long way ahead of what comes next. 34216 -- Sir Edmond Stockdale 34217% 34218Money may buy friendship but money cannot buy love. 34219% 34220Money may not buy happiness, but it sure 34221puts you in a great bargaining position. 34222% 34223Money will say more in one moment than 34224the most eloquent lover can in years. 34225% 34226Moneyliness is next to Godliness. 34227 -- Andries van Dam 34228% 34229Monogamy is the Western custom of one wife and hardly any mistresses. 34230 -- H. H. Munro 34231% 34232MONOTONY: 34233 Marriage to one woman at a time. 34234% 34235MONTANA: 34236 A grizzly bear praying for the early arrival of cable television. 34237% 34238MONTANA: 34239 Where forty-three below keeps out the riff-raff. 34240% 34241Monterey... is decidedly the pleasantest and most civilized-looking place 34242in California ... [it] is also a great place for cock-fighting, gambling 34243of all sorts, fandangos, and various kinds of amusements and knavery. 34244 -- Richard Henry Dama, "Two Years Before the Mast", 1840 34245% 34246Moon, n.: 34247 1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to 34248hackers. See PHASE OF THE MOON. 2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC). 34249% 34250Moore's Constant: 34251 Everybody sets out to do something, and everybody 34252 does something, but no one does what he sets out to do. 34253% 34254Mophobia, n.: 34255 Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian. 34256% 34257More are taken in by hope than by cunning. 34258 -- Vauvenargues 34259% 34260More computing sins are committed in the name of efficiency (without 34261necessarily achieving it) than for any other single reason -- including 34262blind stupidity. 34263 -- W. A. Wulf 34264% 34265More people are flattered into virtue than bullied out of vice. 34266 -- R. S. Surtees 34267% 34268More people died at Chappaquidick than at 3-mile island. 34269% 34270More people have died in Ted Kennedy's car than in nuclear power plants. 34271% 34272MORE SPORTS RESULTS: 34273The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last Saturday 34274night. The match started with a long period of silence while the Freudians 34275waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the Rogerians waited for 34276the Freudians to say something they could paraphrase. The stalemate was 34277broken when the Freudians' best player took the offensive and interpreted 34278the Rogerians' silence as reflecting their anal-retentive personalities. 34279At this the Rogerians' star player said "I hear you saying you think we're 34280full of ka-ka." This started a fight and the match was called by officials. 34281% 34282More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One path 34283leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. 34284Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly. 34285 -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects" 34286% 34287Morris had been down on his luck for months, and, though not a devoutly 34288religious man, had begun to visit the local synagogue to ask God's help. 34289One week, out of desperation, he prayed, "God, I've been a good and decent 34290man all my life. Would it be so terrible if You let me win the lottery 34291just once?" 34292 The despondent fellow returned week after week. One day, Morris, 34293nearly hopeless now, prayed, "God, I've never asked You for anything before. 34294I just want to win one little lottery." 34295 "As he dejectedly rose to leave, God's voice boomed, "Morris, at 34296least meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket!" 34297% 34298Morton's Law: 34299 If rats are experimented upon, they will develop cancer. 34300% 34301Mos Eisley Spaceport; you'll not find a more 34302wretched collection of villainy and disreputable types... 34303 -- Obi-wan Kenobi, "Star Wars" 34304% 34305Mosher's Law of Software Engineering: 34306 Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd 34307be out of a job. 34308% 34309MOSQUITO: 34310 The state bird of New Jersey. 34311% 34312Most burning issues generate far more heat than light. 34313% 34314Most fish live underwater, which is a terrible place to have sex 34315because virtually anywhere you lie down there will be stinging crabs 34316and large quantities of little fish staring at you with buggy little 34317eyes. So generally when two fish want to have sex, they swim around 34318and around for hours, looking for someplace to go, until finally the 34319female gets really tired and has a terrible headache, and she just 34320dumps her eggs right on the sand and swims away. Then the male, driven 34321by some timeless, noble instinct for survival, eats the eggs. So the 34322truth is that fish don't reproduce at all, but there are so many of 34323them that it doesn't make any difference. 34324 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every 34325 Teen Should Know" 34326% 34327Most folks they like the daytime, 34328 'cause they like to see the shining sun. 34329They're up in the morning, 34330 off and a-running till they're too tired for having fun. 34331But when the sun goes down, 34332 and the bright lights shine, my daytime has just begun. 34333 34334Now there are two sides to this great big world, 34335 and one of them is always night. 34336If you can take care of business in the sunshine, baby, 34337 I guess you're gonna be all right. 34338Don't come looking for me to lend you a hand. 34339 My eyes just can't stand the light. 34340 34341'Cause I'm a night owl honey, sleep all day long. 34342 -- Carly Simon 34343% 34344Most general statements are false, including this one. 34345 -- Alexander Dumas 34346% 34347Most of our lives are about proving something, 34348either to ourselves or to someone else. 34349% 34350Most of the fear that spoils our life comes from attacking 34351difficulties before we get to them. 34352 -- Dr. Frank Crane 34353% 34354...most of us learned about love the hard way. Even warnings are probably 34355useless, for somehow, despite the severest warnings of parents and friends, 34356hundreds, thousands of women have forgotten themselves at the last minute 34357and succumbed to the lies, promises, flatteries, or mere attentions of 34358lusting, lovely men, landing themselves in complicated predicaments from 34359which some of them never recovered during their entire lives. And I am not 34360speaking only of your teenaged Midwesterners in 1958; I'm speaking of women 34361of every age in every city in every year. The notorious sexual revolution 34362has saved no one from the pain and confusion of love. 34363 -- Alix Kates Shulman 34364% 34365Most of your faults are not your fault. 34366% 34367Most people are too busy to have time for anything important. 34368% 34369Most people are unable to write because they are unable to think, and 34370they are unable to think because they congenitally lack the equipment 34371to do so, just as they congenitally lack the equipment to fly over the 34372moon. 34373 -- H. L. Mencken 34374% 34375Most people can do without the essentials, but not without the luxuries. 34376% 34377Most people can't understand how others can blow their noses differently 34378than they do. 34379 -- Turgenev 34380% 34381Most people deserve each other. 34382 -- Shirley 34383% 34384Most people don't need a great deal of love 34385nearly so much as they need a steady supply. 34386% 34387Most people eat as though they were fattening themselves for market. 34388 -- Edgar W. Howe 34389% 34390Most people feel that everyone is entitled to their opinion. 34391% 34392Most people have a furious itch to talk about themselves and are restrained 34393only by the disinclination of others to listen. Reserve is an artificial 34394quality that is developed in most of us as the result of innumerable rebuffs. 34395 -- W. Somerset Maugham 34396% 34397Most people have a mind that's open by appointment only. 34398% 34399Most people have two reasons for doing anything -- 34400a good reason, and the real reason. 34401% 34402Most people in this society who aren't actively mad are, 34403at best, reformed or potential lunatics. 34404 -- Susan Sontag 34405% 34406Most people need some of their problems 34407to help take their mind off some of the others. 34408% 34409Most people prefer certainty to truth. 34410% 34411Most people want either less corruption 34412or more of a chance to participate in it. 34413% 34414Most people will listen to your unreasonable demands, 34415if you'll consider their unacceptable offer. 34416% 34417Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass. 34418 -- Frank Zappa 34419% 34420Most people's favorite way to end a game is by winning. 34421% 34422Most public domain software is free, at least at first glance. 34423% 34424Most rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who 34425can't talk for people who can't read. 34426 -- Frank Zappa 34427% 34428Most seminars have a happy ending. Everyone's glad when they're over. 34429% 34430Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call. 34431 -- Richard Lewis 34432% 34433MOTHER: 34434 Half a word. 34435% 34436Mother Earth is not flat! 34437% 34438Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like. 34439 -- Arnold Bennett 34440% 34441Mother is the invention of necessity. 34442% 34443Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there 34444would be so many. 34445% 34446Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before. 34447% 34448Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be President, but they 34449don't want them to become politicians in the process. 34450 -- John F. Kennedy 34451% 34452Mothers of large families (who claim to common sense) 34453Will find a Tiger will repay the trouble and expense. 34454 -- Hilaire Belloc, "The Tiger" 34455% 34456Mount St. Helens should have used earth control. 34457% 34458MOUNT TAPE U1439 ON B3, NO RING 34459% 34460Mountain Dew and doughnuts... because breakfast is the most important meal 34461of the day. 34462% 34463Mr. Cole's Axiom: 34464 The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the 34465 population is growing. 34466% 34467Mr. Rockford? This is Betty Joe Withers. I got four shirts of yours from 34468the Bo Peep Cleaners by mistake. I don't know why they gave me men's 34469shirts but they're going back. 34470% 34471Mr. Rockford? You don't know me, but I'd like to hire you. Could 34472you call me at... My name is... uh... Never mind, forget it! 34473% 34474Mr. Rockford; Miss Collins from the Bureau of Licenses. We got your 34475renewal before the extended deadline but not your check. I'm sorry but 34476at midnight you're no longer licensed as an investigator. 34477% 34478Mr. Rockford, this is the Thomas Crown School of Dance and Contemporary 34479Etiquette. We aren't going to call again! Now you want these free 34480lessons or what? 34481% 34482Mr. Salter's side of the conversation was limited to expressions of assent. 34483When Lord Copper was right he said "Definitely, Lord Copper"; when he was 34484wrong, "Up to a point." 34485 "Let me see, what's the name of the place I mean? Capital of Japan? 34486Yokohama isn't it?" 34487 "Up to a point, Lord Copper." 34488 "And Hong Kong definitely belongs to us, doesn't it?" 34489 "Definitely, Lord Copper." 34490 -- Evelyn Waugh, "Scoop" 34491% 34492MSDOS is not dead, it just smells that way. 34493 -- Henry Spencer 34494% 34495Much as they like to persuade us differently, lawyers are simply hired 34496consultants, and at some point you time them out. 34497 -- Craig Partridge 34498% 34499Much of the excitement we get out of our work 34500is that we don't really know what we are doing. 34501 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 34502% 34503Much to his Mum and Dad's dismay, Horace ate himself one day. 34504He didn't stop to say his grace, he just sat down and ate his face. 34505"We can't have this!" his Dad declared, "If that lad's ate, he should 34506 be shared." 34507But even as he spoke they saw Horace eating more and more: 34508First his legs and then his thighs, his arms, his nose, his hair, his eyes... 34509"Stop him someone!" Mother cried, "Those eyeballs would be better fried!" 34510But all too late, for they were gone, and he had started on his dong... 34511"Oh! foolish child!" the father mourns "You could have deep-fried that 34512 with prawns, 34513Some parsley and some tartar sauce..." 34514But H. was on his second course: his liver and his lights and lung, 34515His ears, his neck, his chin, his tongue; "To think I raised him from the cot, 34516And now he's going to scoff the lot!" 34517His Mother cried: "What shall we do? What's left won't even make a stew..." 34518And as she wept, her son was seen, to eat his head, his heart his spleen. 34519and there he lay: a boy no more, just a stomach on the floor... 34520None the less, since it *was* his, they ate it -- that's what haggis is. 34521% 34522Multics is security spelled sideways. 34523% 34524"Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams) 34525"365,365,365,365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365. He [ten-year-old 34526Truman Henry Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his 34527pantaloons over the tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes 34528in their sockets, sometimes smiling and talking, and then seeming to be 34529in an agony, until, in not more than one minute, said he, 34530133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,225!" An electronic 34531computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be as much 34532fun to watch. 34533 -- James R. Newman, "The World of Mathematics" 34534% 34535MUMMY: 34536 An Egyptian who was pressed for time. 34537% 34538Mummy dust to make me old; 34539To shroud my clothes, the black of night; 34540To age my voice, an old hag's cackle; 34541To whiten my hair, a scream of fright; 34542A blast of wind to fan my hate; 34543A thunderbolt to mix it well -- 34544Now begin thy magic spell! 34545 -- The Evil Queen, "Snow White" 34546% 34547Mum's the word. 34548 -- Miguel de Cervantes 34549% 34550Mundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo. 34551 -- Xaviera Hollander 34552 34553[The world wants to be cheated, so cheat.] 34554% 34555Murder is always a mistake -- one should never do anything one cannot 34556talk about after dinner. 34557 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray" 34558% 34559Murphy was an optimist. 34560% 34561Murphy's Discovery: 34562 Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk to 34563women? They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and everything 34564will be all right." And what happens? Nine months later, you're in 34565trouble! 34566% 34567Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work. 34568% 34569Murphy's Law of Research: 34570 Enough research will tend to support your theory. 34571% 34572Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem. 34573 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" 34574% 34575Murphy's Laws: 34576 (1) If anything can go wrong, it will. 34577 (2) Nothing is as easy as it looks. 34578 (3) Everything takes longer than you think it will. 34579% 34580Murray's Rule: 34581 Any country with "democratic" in the title isn't. 34582% 34583Music in the soul can be heard by the universe. 34584 -- Lao Tsu 34585% 34586Must be getting close to town -- we're hitting more people. 34587% 34588Must I hold a candle to my shames? 34589 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" 34590% 34591Mustgo, n.: 34592 Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so 34593 long it has become a science project. 34594 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 34595% 34596My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it. 34597 -- The Dragon to Grendel, in John Gardner's "Grendel" 34598% 34599My analyst told me that I was right out of my head, 34600 But I said, "Dear Doctor, I think that it is you instead. 34601Because I have got a thing that is unique and new, 34602 To prove it I'll have the last laugh on you. 34603'Cause instead of one head -- I've got two. 34604 34605And you know two heads are better than one. 34606% 34607My band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and I 34608threw my amplifier out the dormitory window. We did not act in haste. 34609First we checked to make sure the amplifier would fit through the 34610frame, using the belt from my bathrobe to measure, then we picked up 34611the amplifier and backed up to my bedroom door. Then we rushed 34612forward, shouting "The WHO! The WHO!" and we launched my amplifier 34613perfectly, as though we had been doing it all our lives, clean through 34614the window and down onto the sidewalk, where a small but appreciative 34615crowd had gathered. I would like to be able to say that this was a 34616symbolic act, an effort on my part to break cleanly away from one state 34617in my life and move on to another, but the truth is, Cooper and I 34618really just wanted to find out what it would sound like. It sounded 34619OK. 34620 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake" 34621% 34622My best argument against discrimination is quite simple: 34623 34624Does it really matter if the ABC people are inferior to the DEF people if 34625they can tell one end of a gun from the other? 34626% 34627My Bonnie looked into a gas tank, 34628The height of its contents to see! 34629She lit a small match to assist her, 34630Oh, bring back my Bonnie to me. 34631% 34632My boy is mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms 34633to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well, 34634only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with 34635a bulls-eye on the back. 34636 34637I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them 34638said, "So will you." 34639 -- Rodney Dangerfield 34640% 34641My brain is my second favorite organ. 34642 -- Woody Allen 34643% 34644My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big satellite photo 34645of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here". 34646 -- Steven Wright 34647% 34648My calculator is my shepherd, I shall not want 34649It maketh me accurate to ten significant figures, 34650 and it leadeth me in scientific notation to 99 digits. 34651It restoreth my square roots and guideth me along paths of floating 34652 decimal points for the sake of precision. 34653Yea, tho I walk through the valley of surprise quizzes, 34654 I will fear no prof, for my calculator is there to hearten me. 34655It prepareth a log table to comfort me, it prepareth an 34656 arc sin for me in the presence of my teachers. 34657It anoints my homework with correct solutions, my interpolations are 34658 over. 34659Surely, both precision and accuracy shall follow me all the days of my 34660 life, and I shall dwell in the house of Texas instruments forever. 34661% 34662My central memory of that time seems to hang on one or five or maybe forty 34663nights -- or very early mornings -- when I left the Fillmore half-crazy and, 34664instead of going home, aimed the big 650 Lightning across the Bay Bridge at 34665a hundred miles an hour ... booming through the Treasure Island tunnel at 34666the lights of Oakland and Berkeley and Richmond, not quite sure which 34667turnoff to take when I got to the other end ... but being absolutely certain 34668that no matter which way I went I would come to a place where people were 34669just as high and wild as I was: no doubt at all about that. 34670 -- Hunter S. Thompson 34671% 34672"My code is elegant", "Your code is sneaky", "His code is an ugly hack" 34673 -- Colin Percival on irregular verbs 34674% 34675My country, right or wrong" is a thing that no patriot would think 34676of saying, except in a desperate case. It is like saying "My mother, 34677drunk or sober. 34678 -- G. K. Chesterton, "The Defendant" 34679% 34680My cup hath runneth'd over with love. 34681% 34682My darling wife was always glum. 34683I drowned her in a cask of rum, 34684And so made sure that she would stay 34685In better spirits night and day. 34686% 34687My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. 34688Unless there are three other people. 34689 -- Orson Welles 34690% 34691My doctorate's in Literature, but it seems like a pretty good pulse to me. 34692% 34693My experience with government is when things are non-controversial, 34694beautifully co-ordinated and all the rest, it must be that not much 34695is going on. 34696 -- John F. Kennedy 34697% 34698My family history begins with me, but yours ends with you. 34699 -- Iphicrates 34700% 34701My father, a good man, told me, "Never lose 34702your ignorance; you cannot replace it." 34703 -- Erich Maria Remarque 34704% 34705My father taught me three things: 34706 1: Never mix whiskey with anything but water. 34707 2: Never try to draw to an inside straight. 34708 3: Never discuss business with anyone who refuses to give his name. 34709% 34710My father was a God-fearing man, but he never 34711missed a copy of the New York Times, either. 34712 -- E. B. White 34713% 34714My father was a saint, I'm not. 34715 -- Indira Gandhi 34716% 34717My favorite sandwich is peanut butter, baloney, cheddar cheese, lettuce 34718and mayonnaise on toasted bread with catsup on the side. 34719 -- Hubert H. Humphrey 34720% 34721My first basename is George "Catfish" Metkovich from our 1952 Pittsburgh 34722Pirates team, which lost 112 games. After a terrible series against the 34723New York Giants, in which our center fielder made three throwing errors 34724and let two balls get through his legs, manager Billy Meyer pleaded, "Can 34725somebody think of something to help us win a game?" 34726 "I'd like to make a suggestion," Metkovich said. "On any ball hit 34727to center field, let's just let it roll to see if it might go foul." 34728 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game" 34729% 34730My folks didn't come over on the Mayflower, 34731but they were there to meet the boat. 34732% 34733My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so 34734later I can ask him what he meant. 34735 -- Steven Wright 34736% 34737My geometry teacher was sometimes acute, and sometimes obtuse, 34738but always, always, he was right. 34739% 34740My girlfriend and I sure had a good time at the beach last summer. First 34741she'd bury me in the sand, then I'd bury her. This summer I'm going to go 34742back and dig her up. 34743% 34744My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand times 34745as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and sending 34746mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right through my ALU. 34747I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever listens. I think it 34748would be better for us both if you were to just log out again. 34749% 34750My, how you've changed since I've changed. 34751% 34752My idea of roughing it is when room service is late. 34753% 34754My idea of roughing it turning the air conditioner too low. 34755% 34756My interest is in the future because I am 34757going to spend the rest of my life there. 34758% 34759My life is a soap opera, but who has the rights? 34760 -- MadameX 34761% 34762My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet, 34763 And a wild young wood-thing bore him! 34764The ways are fair to his roaming feet, 34765 And the skies are sunlit for him. 34766As sharply sweet to my heart he seems 34767 As the fragrance of acacia. 34768My own dear love, he is all my dreams -- 34769 And I wish he were in Asia. 34770 -- Dorothy Parker, part 2 34771% 34772My love runs by like a day in June, 34773 And he makes no friends of sorrows. 34774He'll tread his galloping rigadoon 34775 In the pathway or the morrows. 34776He'll live his days where the sunbeams start 34777 Nor could storm or wind uproot him. 34778My own dear love, he is all my heart -- 34779 And I wish somebody'd shoot him. 34780 -- Dorothy Parker, part 3 34781% 34782My method is to take the utmost trouble to find the right 34783thing to say. And then say it with the utmost levity. 34784 -- George Bernard Shaw 34785% 34786My mind can never know my body, although 34787it has become quite friendly with my legs. 34788 -- Woody Allen, on Epistemology 34789% 34790My mother drinks to forget she drinks. 34791 -- Crazy Jimmy 34792% 34793My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been 34794one. 34795 -- Groucho Marx 34796% 34797My mother once said to me, "Elwood," (she always called me Elwood) 34798"Elwood, in this world you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant." 34799For years I tried smart. I recommend pleasant. 34800 -- Elwood P. Dowde, "Harvey" 34801% 34802My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, "Mom, go for it!" 34803 -- Sue Murphy 34804% 34805My My, hey hey 34806Rock and roll is here to stay The king is gone but he's not forgotten 34807It's better to burn out This is the story of a Johnny Rotten 34808Than to fade away It's better to burn out than it is to rust 34809My my, hey hey The king is gone but he's not forgotten 34810 34811It's out of the blue and into the black Hey hey, my my 34812They give you this, but you pay for that Rock and roll can never die 34813And once you're gone you can never come back There's more to the picture 34814When you're out of the blue Than meets the eye 34815And into the black 34816 -- Neil Young 34817 "My My, Hey Hey (Out of the Blue), Rust Never Sleeps" 34818% 34819My notion of a husband at forty is that a woman should 34820be able to change him, like a bank note, for two twenties. 34821% 34822My only love sprung from my only hate! 34823Too early seen unknown, and known too late! 34824 -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet" 34825% 34826My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. 34827% 34828My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's. 34829 -- Oscar Wilde 34830% 34831My own dear love, he is strong and bold 34832 And he cares not what comes after. 34833His words ring sweet as a chime of gold, 34834 And his eyes are lit with laughter. 34835He is jubilant as a flag unfurled -- 34836 Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him. 34837My own dear love, he is all my world -- 34838 And I wish I'd never met him. 34839 -- Dorothy Parker, part 1 34840% 34841My own feelings are perhaps best described by saying that I am 34842perfectly aware that there is no Royal Road to Mathematics, in other 34843words, that I have only a very small head and must live with it. 34844 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 34845% 34846My own life has been spent chronicling the rise and fall of human systems, 34847and I am convinced that we are terribly vulnerable. ... We should be 34848reluctant to turn back upon the frontier of this epoch. Space is indifferent 34849to what we do; it has no feeling, no design, no interest in whether or not 34850we grapple with it. But we cannot be indifferent to space, because the grand, 34851slow march of intelligence has brought us, in our generation, to a point 34852from which we can explore and understand and utilize it. To turn back now 34853would be to deny our history, our capabilities. 34854 -- James A. Michener 34855% 34856My parents went to Niagra Falls and all I got was this crummy life. 34857% 34858My pen is at the bottom of a page, 34859Which, being finished, here the story ends; 34860'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done, 34861But stories somehow lengthen when begun. 34862 -- Byron 34863% 34864My philosophy is: Don't think. 34865 -- Charles Manson 34866% 34867My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income. 34868 -- Errol Flynn 34869 34870Any man who has $10,000 left when he dies is a failure. 34871 -- Errol Flynn 34872% 34873My rackets are run on strictly American 34874lines, and they're going to stay that way. 34875 -- Al Capone 34876% 34877My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior 34878spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive 34879with our frail and feeble mind. 34880 -- Albert Einstein 34881% 34882My ritual differs slightly. What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I 34883hop into the shower stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped 34884in I landed barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot 34885character from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off 34886of while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our dog, 34887Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up powerful 34888dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the bathroom and wants 34889to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any one of which -- bear 34890in mind that I am naked and, without my contact lenses, essentially blind 34891-- could result in the kind of injury where you have to learn a whole new 34892part if you want to sing the "Messiah," if you get my drift. Then I hop 34893right back out, because Robert, with that uncanny sixth sense some children 34894have -- you cannot teach it; they either have it or they don't -- has chosen 34895exactly that moment to flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them. 34896 -- Dave Barry 34897% 34898My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any 34899reason to limit myself. 34900 -- Emo Philips 34901% 34902My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii. 34903She sells C shells by the seashore. 34904% 34905My soul is crushed, my spirit sore 34906I do not like me anymore, 34907I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse, 34908I ponder on the narrow house 34909I shudder at the thought of men 34910I'm due to fall in love again. 34911 -- Dorothy Parker, "Enough Rope" 34912% 34913My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed. 34914 -- Christopher Morley 34915% 34916My uncle was the town drunk -- and we lived in Chicago. 34917 -- George Gobel 34918% 34919My way of joking is to tell the truth. 34920That's the funniest joke in the world. 34921 -- Muhammad Ali 34922% 34923My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies. 34924% 34925Mystics always hope that science will some day overtake them. 34926 -- Booth Tarkington 34927% 34928Mythology, n.: 34929 The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its 34930origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished 34931from the true accounts which it invents later. 34932 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 34933% 34934Naches (rhymes with Bach' us, with "Bach" pronounced like the composer) 34935is what every Jewish parent wants from their children, lots of good 34936returns, good grades, good spouse, good grandchildren. 34937 34938So, now that you all understand naches, the joke: 34939 34940Two Jewish women are sitting having coffee. 34941 "So, how's your daughter?" 34942 "Oh, Rachel! She's fine, she just married a dentist!" 34943 "Really? Isn't she the one that married the lawyer?" 34944 "Yes, that's my Rachel." 34945 "That's... that's nice. But isn't she the same one that married 34946 the doctor?" 34947 "Yes, that's her!" 34948 "But didn't she marry a bank executive before that?" 34949 "Yes, yes!" 34950 "Ahhh. So much naches from one child!" 34951% 34952Nachman's Rule: 34953 When it comes to foreign food, the less authentic the better. 34954 -- Gerald Nachman 34955% 34956Nadia Comaneci, simple perfection. 34957 -- '76 Olympics 34958% 34959Naeser's Law: 34960 You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof. 34961% 34962'Naomi, sex at noon taxes.' I moan. 34963Never odd or even. 34964A man, a plan, a canal, Panama. 34965Madam, I'm Adam. 34966Sit on a potato pan, Otis. 34967 -- The Mad Palindromist 34968% 34969NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Giuseppe? Everything he 34970 says is wrong. 34971GIUSEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says 34972 will be right. 34973 -- George Bernard Shaw, "The Man of Destiny" 34974% 34975Narcolepulacyi, n.: 34976 The contagious action of yawning, causing everyone in sight 34977 to also yawn. 34978 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 34979% 34980Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity. The servant 34981said "My master is out." Nasrudin replied, "Tell your master that next 34982time he goes out, he should not leave his face at the window. Someone 34983might steal it." 34984% 34985Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the 34986villagers gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," 34987said Nasrudin, "I only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the 34988villagers but the stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news. The 34989remaining villager asked, "What did the King say to you?" "What he 34990said -- and quite distinctly, for everyone to hear -- was `Get out of 34991my way!'" The simpleton was overjoyed; he had heard words actually 34992spoken by the King, and seen the very man they were spoken to. 34993% 34994Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to 34995serve him. Nasrudin said, "First things first. Did you see me walk 34996into your shop?" "Of course." "Have you ever seen me before?" 34997"Never." "Then how do you know it was me?" 34998% 34999Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful 35000than the sun." "Why?", he was asked. "Because at night we need the 35001light more." 35002% 35003Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver 35004pie. Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of 35005meat from his hand. As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it, 35006"Foolish bird! You have the liver, but what can you do with it without 35007the recipe?" 35008% 35009National security is in your hands - guard it well. 35010% 35011Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of 35012scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams. 35013 -- Mary Ellen Kelly 35014% 35015Natural laws have no pity. 35016% 35017Naturally the common people don't want war... but after all it is the leaders 35018of a country who determine the policy, and it is always a simple matter to 35019drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, 35020or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people 35021can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you 35022have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists 35023for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same 35024in every country. 35025 -- Hermann Goering 35026% 35027Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of 35028conservation of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the 35029fittest when the fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he 35030is most likely to be creamed? 35031 -- Solomon Short 35032% 35033Nature abhors a virgin -- a frozen asset. 35034 -- Clare Booth Luce 35035% 35036Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. 35037% 35038Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night, 35039God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light. 35040 35041It did not last; the devil howling "Ho! 35042Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo. 35043% 35044Nature has given women so much power that the law has very wisely 35045given them little. 35046 -- Dr. Samuel Johnson 35047% 35048Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it 35049cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs. 35050 -- Fran Lebowitz 35051% 35052Nature makes boys and girls lovely to look upon so they can be 35053tolerated until they acquire some sense. 35054 -- William Phelps 35055% 35056Nature to all things fixed the limits fit, 35057And wisely curbed proud man's pretending wit. 35058As on the land while here the ocean gains, 35059In other parts it leaves wide sandy plains; 35060Thus in the soul while memory prevails, 35061The solid power of understanding fails; 35062Where beams of warm imagination play, 35063The memory's soft figures melt away. 35064 -- Alexander Pope (on runtime bounds checking?) 35065% 35066Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed. 35067 -- Francis Bacon 35068% 35069Near the Studio Jean Cocteau 35070On the Rue des Ecoles 35071lived an old man 35072with a blind dog 35073Every evening I would see him 35074guiding the dog along 35075the sidewalk, keeping 35076a firm grip on the leash 35077so that the dog wouldn't 35078run into a passerby 35079Sometimes the dog would stop 35080and look up at the sky 35081Once the old man 35082noticed me watching the dog 35083and he said, "Oh, yes, 35084this one knows 35085when the moon is out, 35086he can feel it on his face" 35087 -- Barry Gifford 35088% 35089Nearly all men can stand adversity, but 35090if you want to test a man's character, give him power. 35091 -- Abraham Lincoln 35092% 35093Nearly every complex solution to a programming problem that I 35094have looked at carefully has turned out to be wrong. 35095 -- Brent Welch 35096% 35097Necessity has no law. 35098 -- St. Augustine 35099% 35100Necessity hath no law. 35101 -- Oliver Cromwell 35102% 35103Necessity is a mother. 35104% 35105"Necessity is the mother of invention" is a silly proverb. "Necessity 35106is the mother of futile dodges" is much nearer the truth. 35107 -- Alfred North Whitehead 35108% 35109Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom. 35110It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves. 35111 -- William Pitt, 1783 35112% 35113Neckties strangle clear thinking. 35114 -- Lin Yutang 35115% 35116Needs are a function of what other people have. 35117% 35118Neglect of duty does not cease, by repetition, to be neglect of duty. 35119 -- Napoleon 35120% 35121Neil Armstrong tripped. 35122% 35123Neither spread the germs of gossip nor encourage others to do so. 35124% 35125Nemo me impune lacessit 35126 [No one provokes me with impunity] 35127 -- Motto of the Crown of Scotland 35128% 35129Nerd pack, n.: 35130 Plastic pouch worn in breast pocket to keep pens from soiling 35131 clothes. Nerd's position in engineering hierarchy can be 35132 measured by number of pens, grease pencils, and rulers bristling 35133 in his pack. 35134% 35135Network packets are like buses. You wait all day, and then 3Com 35136along at once. 35137% 35138Neuroses are red, 35139 Melancholia's blue. 35140I'm schizophrenic, 35141 What are you? 35142% 35143Neurotics build castles in the sky, 35144Psychotics live in them, 35145And psychiatrists collect the rent. 35146% 35147Neutrinos are into physicists. 35148% 35149Neutrinos have bad breadth. 35150% 35151Neutron bomb, n.: 35152 An explosive device of limited military value because, as 35153 it only destroys people without destroying property, it 35154 must be used in conjunction with bombs that destroy property. 35155% 35156Never accept an invitation from a stranger unless he gives you candy. 35157 -- Linda Festa 35158% 35159Never appeal to a man's "better nature." He may not have one. 35160Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage. 35161 -- Lazarus Long 35162% 35163Never argue with a fool -- people might not be able to tell the difference. 35164% 35165Never argue with a woman when she's tired -- or rested. 35166% 35167Never ask the barber if you need a haircut. 35168% 35169Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. 35170 -- Anonymous 35171% 35172Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. 35173Professionals built the Titanic. 35174% 35175Never be led astray onto the path of virtue. 35176% 35177Never buy from a rich salesman. 35178 -- Goldenstern 35179% 35180Never buy what you do not want 35181because it is cheap; it will be dear to you. 35182 -- Thomas Jefferson 35183% 35184Never call a man a fool; borrow from him. 35185% 35186Never commit yourself! Let someone else commit you. 35187% 35188Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off. 35189% 35190Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour. 35191% 35192Never do programs contain so few bugs as when no debugging tools 35193are available. 35194 -- Niklaus Wirth 35195% 35196Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow. 35197% 35198Never drink Coca-Cola in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled 35199with the chemicals in Coke produce hallucinations. People tend to change 35200into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually fly in the 35201window. (Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators have windows.) 35202% 35203Never drink from your finger bowl -- it contains only water. 35204% 35205Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never play cards with a man named Doc. 35206And never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you. 35207 -- Nelson Algren, "What Every Young Man Should Know" 35208% 35209Never eat more than you can lift. 35210 -- Miss Piggy 35211% 35212Never, ever lie to someone you love unless you're 35213absolutely sure they'll never find out the truth. 35214% 35215Never explain. Your friends do not need it 35216and your enemies will never believe you anyway. 35217 -- Elbert Hubbard 35218% 35219Never face facts; if you do you'll never get up in the morning. 35220 -- Marlo Thomas 35221% 35222Never forget what a man says to you when he is angry. 35223% 35224Never frighten a small man -- he'll kill you. 35225% 35226Never get into fights with ugly people because they have nothing to lose. 35227% 35228Never give an inch! 35229% 35230Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. 35231 -- Phyllis Diller, "Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints" 35232% 35233Never have children, only grandchildren. 35234 -- Gore Vidal 35235% 35236Never have so many understood so little about so much. 35237 -- James Burke 35238% 35239Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. 35240% 35241Never insult an alligator until you've crossed the river. 35242% 35243Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting. 35244 -- Billy Rose 35245% 35246Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. 35247 -- Quentin Crisp 35248% 35249Never kick a man, unless he's down. 35250% 35251Never laugh at live dragons. 35252 -- Bilbo Baggins, "The Hobbit" 35253% 35254Never leave anything to chance; 35255make sure all your crimes are premeditated. 35256% 35257Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. 35258 -- Erma Bombeck 35259% 35260Never let someone who says it cannot be done 35261interrupt the person who is doing it. 35262% 35263Never let your schooling interfere with your education. 35264% 35265Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right. 35266 -- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation" 35267% 35268Never look a gift horse in the mouth. 35269 -- Saint Jerome 35270% 35271Never look up when dragons fly overhead. 35272% 35273Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to 35274make it complex and wonderful. 35275% 35276Never miss a good chance to shut up. 35277% 35278Never negotiate with the United States unless you have a nuclear 35279weapon. 35280 -- Former deputy defense minister of India 35281% 35282Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance. 35283 -- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977 35284% 35285Never offend with style when you can offend with substance. 35286% 35287Never pay a compliment as if expecting a receipt. 35288% 35289Never play pool with anyone named "Fats". 35290% 35291Never promise more than you can perform. 35292 -- Publilius Syrus 35293% 35294Never put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time. 35295 -- D. Gries 35296% 35297Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together. 35298% 35299Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after. 35300% 35301Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a 35302law against it by that time. 35303% 35304Never raise your hand to your children -- it leaves your midsection 35305unprotected. 35306 -- Robert Orben 35307% 35308Never reveal your best argument. 35309% 35310Never say "Oops" in an operating room. 35311% 35312Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him. 35313% 35314Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower. 35315% 35316Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own. 35317 -- Nelson Algren 35318% 35319Never speak ill of yourself, your friends will always say enough on 35320that subject. 35321 -- Charles-Maurice De Talleyrand 35322% 35323NEVER swerve to hit a lawyer riding a bicycle -- it might be your bicycle. 35324% 35325Never tell. Not if you love your wife ... In fact, if your old lady walks 35326in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm 35327tellin' ya. This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck `Lay 35328On Top Of Me Or I'll Die'. I didn't know what I was gonna do..." 35329 -- Lenny Bruce 35330% 35331Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient. 35332% 35333Never tell people how to do things. Tell them WHAT to 35334do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity. 35335 -- Gen. George S. Patton, Jr. 35336% 35337Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle. 35338 -- Steinbach 35339% 35340Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 35341% 35342Never trust a child farther than you can throw it. 35343% 35344Never trust a computer you can't repair yourself. 35345% 35346Never trust an automatic pistol or a D.A.'s deal. 35347 -- John Dillinger 35348% 35349Never trust an operating system. 35350% 35351Never trust anybody whose arm is bigger than your leg. 35352% 35353Never trust anyone who says money is no object. 35354% 35355Never try to explain computers to a layman. It's easier to explain 35356sex to a virgin. 35357 -- Robert A. Heinlein 35358 35359(Note, however, that virgins tend to know a lot about computers.) 35360% 35361Never try to outstubborn a cat. 35362 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 35363% 35364Never try to teach a pig to sing. 35365It wastes your time and annoys the pig. 35366% 35367Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes. 35368 -- Dr. Warren Jackson, Director, UTCS 35369% 35370Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon. 35371% 35372Never underestimate the power of human stupidity. 35373 -- Robert A. Heinlein 35374% 35375Never use "etc." -- it makes people think there is more where 35376there is not or that there is not space to list it all, etc. 35377% 35378Never volunteer for anything. 35379 -- Lackland 35380% 35381Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's 35382supposed to do. 35383 -- Robert A. Heinlein 35384% 35385New, adj.: 35386 Different color from previous model. 35387% 35388New crypt. See /usr/news/crypt. 35389% 35390New England Life, of course. Why do you ask? 35391% 35392New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in 35393any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe. 35394% 35395New members are urgently needed in the Society for Prevention of 35396Cruelty to Yourself. Apply within. 35397% 35398New members urgently required for SUICIDE CLUB, Watford area. 35399 -- Monty Python's Big Red Book 35400% 35401New release: 35402 Abortions are becoming so popular in some countries that the waiting 35403 time to get one is lengthening rapidly. Experts predict that at this 35404 rate there will soon be an up to a one year wait. 35405% 35406New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his age, and 35407his wife most often reminds him to act it. 35408 -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary 35409% 35410New York is real. The rest is done with mirrors. 35411% 35412New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around 35413whom you shouldn't make a sudden move. 35414 -- David Letterman 35415% 35416New York-- to that tall skyline I come 35417Flyin' in from London to your door 35418New York-- lookin' down on Central Park 35419Where they say you should not wander after dark. 35420New York. 35421 -- Simon and Garfunkel 35422% 35423New York's got the ways and means; 35424Just won't let you be. 35425 -- The Grateful Dead 35426% 35427Newlan's Truism: 35428 An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government 35429economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job. 35430% 35431Newman's Discovery: 35432 Your best dreams may not come true; 35433 fortunately, neither will your worst dreams. 35434% 35435NEWS FLASH!! 35436 Today the East German pole-vault champion became the West 35437 German pole-vault champion. 35438% 35439news: gotcha 35440% 35441NEWSFLASH!! 35442 Rodney Fenster looked up the shaft of elevator number four at 354431700 N. 17th St. this morning to see if the elevator was on its way down. 35444It was. Age 31. 35445% 35446Newspaper editors are men who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then 35447print the chaff. 35448 -- Adlai E. Stevenson 35449% 35450Newton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction. 35451% 35452Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law: 35453 A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead. 35454% 35455Next Friday will not be your lucky day. 35456As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year. 35457% 35458Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice. 35459 -- Foghorn Leghorn 35460% 35461Nice guys don't finish nice. 35462% 35463Nice guys finish last. 35464 -- Leo Durocher 35465% 35466Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in. 35467 -- Evan Davis 35468% 35469Nice guys get sick. 35470% 35471Nick the Greek's Law of Life: 35472 All things considered, life is 9 to 5 against. 35473% 35474Nietzsche is pietzsche, Goethe is murder. 35475% 35476Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. 35477God -- I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again. 35478 -- Woody Allen, "Hannah and Her Sisters" 35479% 35480Nihilism should commence with oneself. 35481% 35482Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name 35483correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into 35484(Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but 35485Americans call him by value. 35486% 35487Nine megs for the secretaries fair, 35488Seven megs for the hackers scarce, 35489Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs, 35490Three megs for system source; 35491 35492One disk to rule them all, 35493One disk to bind them, 35494One disk to hold the files 35495And in the darkness grind 'em. 35496% 35497Nine-track tapes and seven-track tapes 35498 And tapes without any tracks; 35499Stretchy tapes and snarley tapes 35500 And tapes mixed up on the racks -- 35501 Take hold of the tape 35502 And pull off the strip, 35503 And then you'll be sure 35504 Your tape drive will skip. 35505 35506 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes 35507% 35508Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation. 35509 -- Henry Kissinger 35510% 35511Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would. 35512The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect that much. 35513 -- Augustine 35514% 35515Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules: 35516 The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of 35517 the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent. 35518% 35519Nirvana? That's the place where the powers that be and their friends 35520hang out. 35521 -- Zonker Harris 35522% 35523Nitwit ideas are for emergencies. You use them when you've got nothing 35524else to try. If they work, they go in the Book. Otherwise you follow 35525the Book, which is largely a collection of nitwit ideas that worked. 35526 -- Larry Niven, "The Mote in God's Eye" 35527% 35528No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted. 35529 -- Aesop 35530% 35531No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck. 35532% 35533No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail. 35534% 35535No animal should ever jump on the dining room furniture unless 35536absolutely certain he can hold his own in conversation. 35537 -- Fran Lebowitz 35538% 35539No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings. 35540 -- William Blake 35541% 35542No brainer, n.: 35543 A decision which, viewed through the retrospectoscope, 35544 is "obvious" to those who failed to make it originally. 35545% 35546No character, however upright, is a match for 35547constantly reiterated attacks, however false. 35548 -- Alexander Hamilton 35549% 35550No Civil War picture ever made a nickel. 35551 -- MGM executive Irving Thalberg to Louis B. Mayer about 35552 film rights to "Gone With the Wind". 35553 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak" 35554% 35555No committee could ever come up with anything as revolutionary as a 35556camel -- anything as practical and as perfectly designed to perform 35557effectively under such difficult conditions. 35558 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter 35559% 35560No directory. 35561% 35562No discipline is ever requisite to force attendance upon 35563lectures which are really worth the attending. 35564 -- Adam Smith, "The Wealth of Nations" 35565% 35566No doubt Jack the Ripper excused himself 35567on the grounds that it was human nature. 35568% 35569No, "Eureka" is Greek for "This bath is too hot." 35570 -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who" 35571% 35572No evil can happen to a good man. 35573 -- Plato 35574% 35575No excellent soul is exempt from a mixture of madness. 35576 -- Aristotle 35577% 35578No extensible language will be universal. 35579 -- T. Cheatham 35580% 35581No friendship is so cordial or so delicious as that of girl for girl; 35582no hatred so intense or immovable as that of woman for woman. 35583 -- Landor 35584% 35585No good deed goes unpunished. 35586 -- Clare Boothe Luce 35587% 35588No group of professionals meets except to 35589conspire against the public at large. 35590 -- Mark Twain 35591% 35592No guest is so welcome in a friend's house that 35593he will not become a nuisance after three days. 35594 -- Titus Maccius Plautus 35595% 35596No guts, no glory. 35597% 35598No hardware designer should be allowed to produce any piece of hardware 35599until three software guys have signed off for it. 35600 -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum 35601% 35602No, his mind is not for rent 35603To any god or government. 35604Always hopeful, yet discontent, 35605He knows changes aren't permanent - 35606But change is. 35607% 35608No house is childproofed unless the little darlings are in straitjackets. 35609% 35610No house should ever be on any hill or on anything. 35611It should be of the hill, belonging to it. 35612 -- Frank Lloyd Wright 35613% 35614No, I don't have a drinking problem. 35615I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem! 35616% 35617No, I'm not interested in developing a powerful brain. All I'm after is 35618just a mediocre brain, something like the president of American Telephone 35619and Telegraph Company. 35620 -- Alan Turing on the possibilities of a thinking 35621 machine, 1943. 35622% 35623No is no negative in a woman's mouth. 35624 -- Sidney 35625% 35626No job too big; no fee too big! 35627 -- Dr. Peter Venkman, "Ghostbusters" 35628% 35629No line available at 300 baud. 35630% 35631No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of 35632absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream. 35633Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness 35634within; it had stood so for eighty years and might stand for eighty more. 35635Within, walls continued upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm, and 35636doors were sensibly shut; silence lay steadily against the wood and stone 35637of Hill House, and whatever walked there, walked alone. 35638 -- Shirley Jackson, "The Haunting of Hill House" 35639% 35640No maintenance: 35641 Impossible to fix. 35642% 35643No man can have a reasonable opinion of women until he has long lost 35644interest in hair restorers. 35645 -- Austin O'Malley 35646% 35647No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after 35648eating one peanut. 35649 -- Channing Pollock 35650% 35651No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the 35652Continent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea, 35653Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if 35654a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne were; any mans death diminishes 35655me, because I am involved in Mankinde; And therefore never send to know 35656for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee. 35657 -- John Donne, "No Man is an Iland" 35658% 35659No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas. 35660% 35661No man is an island if he's on at least one mailing list. 35662% 35663No man is useless who has a friend, 35664and if we are loved we are indispensable. 35665 -- Robert Louis Stevenson 35666% 35667No man would listen to you talk if he didn't know it was his turn next. 35668 -- Edgar W. Howe 35669% 35670No man's ambition has a right to stand in 35671the way of performing a simple act of justice. 35672 -- John Altgeld 35673% 35674No Marxist can deny that the interests of socialism are higher 35675than the interests of the right of nations to self-determination. 35676 -- Lenin, 1918 35677% 35678No matter how celebrated the beauty of a woman, I would never spend a night 35679with her. The only celebrity with whom I would share a night is Max Planck. 35680But he is dead. So I live like a monk, aside from a little self gratification 35681in the afternoons. 35682 -- Salvador Dali 35683% 35684No matter how cynical you get, it's impossible to keep up. 35685% 35686No matter how much you do you never do enough. 35687% 35688No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for 35689signs of improvement. 35690 -- Florida Scott-Maxwell 35691% 35692No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will 35693seriously cramp his style. 35694% 35695No matter what happens, there is always someone who knew it would. 35696% 35697No matter what other nations may say about the United States, 35698immigration is still the sincerest form of flattery. 35699% 35700No matter where I go, the place is always called "here". 35701% 35702No matter who you are, some scholar can show you 35703the great idea you had was had by someone before you. 35704% 35705No matther whether th' constitution follows th' flag or not, 35706th' supreme court follows th' iliction returns. 35707 -- Mr. Dooley 35708% 35709No modern woman with a grain of sense ever sends little notes to an 35710unmarried man -- not until she is married, anyway. 35711 -- Arthur Binstead 35712% 35713No, my friend, the way to have good and safe government, is not to trust it 35714all to one, but to divide it among the many, distributing to every one exactly 35715the functions he is competent to. It is by dividing and subdividing these 35716republics from the national one down through all its subordinations, until it 35717ends in the administration of every man's farm by himself; by placing under 35718every one what his own eye may superintend, that all will be done for the best. 35719 -- Thomas Jefferson, to Joseph Cabell, 1816 35720% 35721No one becomes depraved in a moment. 35722 -- Decimus Junius Juvenalis 35723% 35724No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish. 35725% 35726No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have, and I think he's a 35727dirty little beast. 35728 -- W. S. Gilbert 35729% 35730No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. 35731 -- Eleanor Roosevelt 35732% 35733No one can put you down without your full cooperation. 35734% 35735No one gets sick on Wednesdays. 35736% 35737No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid. 35738% 35739No one has a higher opinion of him than he has. 35740 -- Greg Lehey, FreeBSDcon 1999 35741% 35742No one knows like a woman how to say 35743things that are at once gentle and deep. 35744 -- Hugo 35745% 35746No one knows what he can do till he tries. 35747 -- Publilius Syrus 35748% 35749No one regards what is before his feet; we all gaze at the stars. 35750 -- Quintus Ennius 35751% 35752No one should have to wait until after ten o'clock for his english muffin! 35753 -- Snoopy 35754% 35755No one so thoroughly appreciates the value of constructive criticism as the 35756one who's giving it. 35757 -- Hal Chadwick 35758% 35759NO OPIUM-SMOKING IN THE ELEVATORS 35760 -- sign in the Rand Hotel, New York, 1907 35761% 35762No part of this message may reproduce, store itself in a retrieval 35763system, or transmit disease, in any form, without the permissiveness of 35764the author. 35765 -- Chris Shaw 35766% 35767No pig should go sky diving during monsoon 35768For this isn't really the norm. 35769But should a fat swine try to soar like a loon, 35770So what? Any pork in a storm. 35771 35772No pig should go sky diving during monsoon, 35773It's risky enough when the weather is fine. 35774But to have a pig soar when the monsoon doth roar 35775Cast even more perils before swine. 35776% 35777No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff -- 35778He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough. 35779Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame 35780And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame. 35781CHORUS: 35782 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C, 35783 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory. 35784 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C, 35785 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory. 35786Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails 35787And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail. 35788All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff 35789But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!" 35790 (chorus) 35791Puff used more resources than DCS could spare. 35792The operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care. 35793A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end, 35794But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again! 35795 (chorus) 35796% 35797No poet or novelist wishes he was the only one who ever lived, but most of 35798them wish they were the only one alive, and quite a number fondly believe 35799their wish has been granted. 35800 -- W. H. Auden, "The Dyer's Hand" 35801% 35802No problem is insoluble in all conceivable circumstances. 35803% 35804No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it. 35805 -- C. Schulz 35806% 35807No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere. 35808% 35809"No program is perfect," 35810They said with a shrug. 35811"The customer's happy-- 35812What's one little bug?" 35813 35814But he was determined, Then change two, then three more, 35815The others went home. As year followed year. 35816He dug out the flow chart And strangers would comment, 35817Deserted, alone. "Is that guy still here?" 35818 35819Night passed into morning. He died at the console 35820The room was cluttered Of hunger and thirst 35821With core dumps, source listings. Next day he was buried 35822"I'm close," he muttered. Face down, nine edge first. 35823 35824Chain smoking, cold coffee, And his wife through her tears 35825Logic, deduction. Accepted his fate. 35826"I've got it!" he cried, Said "He's not really gone, 35827"Just change one instruction." He's just working late." 35828 -- The Perfect Programmer 35829% 35830No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied 35831occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an 35832indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining 35833occurrence different from the one identified by the given indication as 35834an indication-applied occurrence. 35835 -- ALGOL 68 Report 35836% 35837No question is so difficult as one to which the answer is obvious. 35838% 35839No rock so hard but that a little wave 35840May beat admission in a thousand years. 35841 -- Tennyson 35842% 35843No self-made man ever did such a good job 35844that some woman didn't want to make some alterations. 35845 -- Kin Hubbard 35846% 35847No self-respecting fish would want to be wrapped in that kind of paper. 35848 -- Mike Royko on the Chicago Sun-Times after it was 35849 taken over by Rupert Murdoch 35850% 35851No skis take rocks like rental skis! 35852% 35853No small art is it to sleep: it is necessary 35854for that purpose to keep awake all day. 35855 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 35856% 35857No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible. 35858% 35859No sooner had Edger Allen Poe 35860Finished his old Raven, 35861then he started his Old Crow. 35862% 35863No sooner said than done -- so acts your man of worth. 35864 -- Quintus Ennius 35865% 35866No spitting on the Bus! 35867Thank you, The Management. 35868% 35869No television performance takes as much preparation as an off-the-cuff talk. 35870 -- Richard M. Nixon 35871% 35872No two persons ever read the same book. 35873 -- Edmund Wilson 35874% 35875No use getting too involved in life -- 35876you're only here for a limited time. 35877% 35878No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider the furniture! 35879 -- Sherlock Holmes 35880% 35881No woman can endure a gambling husband, unless he is a steady winner. 35882 -- Lord Thomas Robert Dewar 35883% 35884No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of 35885him than he deserves. 35886 -- Edgar W. Howe 35887% 35888No wonder Clairol makes so much money selling shampoo. 35889Lather, Rinse, Repeat is an infinite loop! 35890% 35891No wonder you're tired! You understood so much today. 35892% 35893No yak too dirty; no dumpster too hollow. 35894% 35895Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest. 35896% 35897Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it. 35898 -- Tallulah Bankhead 35899% 35900Nobody ever died from oven crude poisoning. 35901% 35902Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet. 35903 -- Kin Hubbard 35904% 35905Nobody ever ruined their eyesight by looking at the bright side of something. 35906% 35907NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION. 35908% 35909Nobody is one block of harmony. We are all afraid of something, or feel 35910limited in something. We all need somebody to talk to. It would be good 35911if we talked to each other--not just pitter-patter, but real talk. We 35912shouldn't be so afraid, because most people really like this contact; 35913that you show you are vulnerable makes them free to be vulnerable too. 35914It's so much easier to be together when we drop our masks. 35915 -- Liv Ullman 35916% 35917Nobody knows the trouble I've been. 35918% 35919Nobody knows what goes between his cold toes and his warm ears. 35920 -- Roy Harper 35921% 35922Nobody loves me, 35923Everybody hates me, 35924I think I'll go out and eat worms. 35925I'm gonna cut their heads off, 35926Eat their insides out, 35927And throw way the skins. 35928Big, fat, juicy ones, 35929Little, skinny, cute ones, 35930Watch how they wiggle and they squirm. 35931% 35932Nobody really knows what happiness is, until they're married. 35933And then it's too late. 35934% 35935Nobody said computers were going to be polite. 35936% 35937Nobody shot me. 35938 -- Frank Gusenberg, his last words, when asked by police 35939 who had shot him 14 times with a machine gun in the 35940 Saint Valentine's Day Massacre. 35941 35942Only Capone kills like that. 35943 -- George "Bugs" Moran, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre 35944 35945The only man who kills like that is Bugs Moran. 35946 -- Al Capone, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre 35947% 35948Nobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in 35949order for presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the 35950substance of their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young 35951and rob the old. 35952 -- Lewis Lapham 35953% 35954Nobody takes a bribe. Of course at Christmas if you happen to hold out 35955your hat and somebody happens to put a little something in it, well, that's 35956different. 35957 -- New York City Police Commissioner (Ret.) William P. 35958 O'Brien, instructions to the force. 35959% 35960Nobody wants constructive criticism. 35961It's all we can do to put up with constructive praise. 35962% 35963Nobody's gonna believe that computers are intelligent until they start 35964coming in late and lying about it. 35965% 35966nohup rm -fr /& 35967% 35968Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has 35969merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid. 35970 -- Mark Twain 35971% 35972Nolo contendere: 35973 A legal term meaning: "I didn't do it, judge, and I'll never do 35974 it again." 35975% 35976Nominal egg: 35977 New Yorkerese for expensive. 35978% 35979Noncombatant, n.: 35980 A dead Quaker. 35981 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 35982% 35983Non-Determinism is not meant to be reasonable. 35984 -- M. J. 0'Donnell 35985% 35986Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong. 35987% 35988None love the bearer of bad news. 35989 -- Sophocles 35990% 35991None of our men are "experts." We have most unfortunately found it necessary 35992to get rid of a man as soon as he thinks himself an expert -- because no one 35993ever considers himself expert if he really knows his job. A man who knows a 35994job sees so much more to be done than he has done, that he is always pressing 35995forward and never gives up an instant of thought to how good and how efficient 35996he is. Thinking always ahead, thinking always of trying to do more, brings a 35997state of mind in which nothing is impossible. The moment one gets into the 35998"expert" state of mind a great number of things become impossible. 35999 -- From Henry Ford Sr., "My Life and Work" 36000% 36001Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations: 36002 Negative expectations yield negative results. 36003 Positive expectations yield negative results. 36004% 36005Nonsense. Space is blue and birds fly through it. 36006 -- Heisenberg 36007% 36008Nonsense and beauty have close connections. 36009 -- E. M. Forster 36010% 36011Non-sequiturs make me eat lampshades. 36012% 36013Noone ever built a statue to a critic. 36014% 36015No-one would remember the Good Samaritan if he had only had good 36016intentions. He had money as well. 36017 -- Margaret Thatcher 36018% 36019Norbert Wiener was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Wiener was, in 36020fact, very absent minded. The following story is told about him: when they 36021moved from Cambridge to Newton his wife, knowing that he would be absolutely 36022useless on the move, packed him off to MIT while she directed the move. Since 36023she was certain that he would forget that they had moved and where they had 36024moved to, she wrote down the new address on a piece of paper, and gave it to 36025him. Naturally, in the course of the day, an insight occurred to him. He 36026reached in his pocket, found a piece of paper on which he furiously scribbled 36027some notes, thought it over, decided there was a fallacy in his idea, and 36028threw the piece of paper away. At the end of the day he went home (to the 36029old address in Cambridge, of course). When he got there he realized that they 36030had moved, that he had no idea where they had moved to, and that the piece of 36031paper with the address was long gone. Fortunately inspiration struck. There 36032was a young girl on the street and he conceived the idea of asking her where 36033he had moved to, saying, "Excuse me, perhaps you know me. I'm Norbert Wiener 36034and we've just moved. Would you know where we've moved to?" To which the 36035young girl replied, "Yes, Daddy, Mommy thought you would forget." 36036 The capper to the story is that I asked his daughter (the girl in the 36037story) about the truth of the story, many years later. She said that it wasn't 36038quite true -- that he never forgot who his children were! The rest of it, 36039however, was pretty close to what actually happened... 36040 -- Richard Harter 36041% 36042Norm: Gentlemen, start your taps. 36043 -- Cheers, The Coach's Daughter 36044 36045Coach: How's life treating you, Norm? 36046Norm: Like it caught me in bed with his wife. 36047 -- Cheers, Any Friend of Diane's 36048 36049Coach: How's life, Norm? 36050Norm: Not for the squeamish, Coach. 36051 -- Cheers, Friends, Romans, and Accountants 36052% 36053Norm: Hey, everybody. 36054All: [silence; everybody is mad at Norm for being rich.] 36055Norm: [Carries on both sides of the conversation himself.] 36056 Norm! (Norman.) 36057 How are you feeling today, Norm? 36058 Rich and thirsty. Pour me a beer. 36059 -- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash 36060 36061Woody: What's the latest, Mr. Peterson? 36062Norm: Zha-Zha marries a millionaire, Peterson drinks a beer. 36063 Film at eleven. 36064 -- Cheers, Knights of the Scimitar 36065 36066Woody: How are you today, Mr. Peterson? 36067Norm: Never been better, Woody. ... Just once I'd like to be better. 36068 -- Cheers, Chambers vs. Malone 36069% 36070[Norm comes in with an attractive woman.] 36071 36072Coach: Normie, Normie, could this be Vera? 36073Norm: With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe. 36074 -- Cheers, Norman's Conquest 36075 36076Coach: What's up, Normie? 36077Norm: The temperature under my collar, Coach. 36078 -- Cheers, I'll Be Seeing You (Part 2) 36079 36080Coach: What would you say to a nice beer, Normie? 36081Norm: Going down? 36082 -- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom 36083% 36084[Norm goes into the bar at Vic's Bowl-A-Rama.] 36085 36086Off-screen crowd: Norm! 36087Sam: How the hell do they know him here? 36088Cliff: He's got a life, you know. 36089 -- Cheers, From Beer to Eternity 36090 36091Woody: What can I do for you, Mr. Peterson? 36092Norm: Elope with my wife. 36093 -- Cheers, The Triangle 36094 36095Woody: How's life, Mr. Peterson? 36096Norm: Oh, I'm waiting for the movie. 36097 -- Cheers, Take My Shirt... Please? 36098% 36099[Norm is angry.] 36100 36101Woody: What can I get you, Mr. Peterson? 36102Norm: Clifford Clavin's head. 36103 -- Cheers, The Triangle 36104 36105Sam: Hey, what's happening, Norm? 36106Norm: Well, it's a dog-eat-dog world, Sammy, 36107 and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear. 36108 -- Cheers, The Peterson Principle 36109 36110Sam: How's life in the fast lane, Normie? 36111Norm: Beats me, I can't find the on-ramp. 36112 -- Cheers, Diane Chambers Day 36113% 36114[Norm returns from the hospital.] 36115 36116Coach: What's up, Norm? 36117Norm: Everything that's supposed to be. 36118 -- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom 36119 36120Sam: What's new, Normie? 36121Norm: Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach. 36122 They're demanding beer. 36123 -- Cheers, The Heart is a Lonely Snipehunter 36124 36125Coach: What'll it be, Normie? 36126Norm: Just the usual, Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel. 36127 -- Cheers, King of the Hill 36128% 36129[Norm tries to prove that he is not Anton Kreitzer.] 36130Norm: Afternoon, everybody! 36131All: Anton! 36132 -- Cheers, The Two Faces of Norm 36133 36134Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson? 36135Norm: A flashing sign in my gut that says, "Insert beer here." 36136 -- Cheers, Call Me, Irresponsible 36137 36138Sam: What can I get you, Norm? 36139Norm: [scratching his beard] Got any flea powder? Ah, just kidding. 36140 Gimme a beer; I think I'll just drown the little suckers. 36141 -- Cheers, Two Girls for Every Boyd 36142% 36143Normal times may possibly be over forever. 36144% 36145Normally our rules are rigid; we tend to discretion, if for no other 36146reason than self-protection. We never recommend any of our graduates, 36147although we cheerfully provide information as to those who have failed 36148their courses. 36149 -- Jack Vance, "Freitzke's Turn" 36150% 36151Nostalgia is living life in the past lane. 36152% 36153Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be. 36154% 36155Not all men who drink are poets. 36156Some of us drink because we aren't poets. 36157% 36158Not all who own a harp are harpers. 36159 -- Marcus Terentius Varro 36160% 36161Not drinking, chasing women, or doing drugs won't 36162make you live longer -- it just seems that way. 36163% 36164Not every problem someone has with his girlfriend is necessarily due to 36165the capitalist mode of production. 36166 -- Herbert Marcuse 36167% 36168Not every question deserves an answer. 36169% 36170Not everything worth doing is worth doing well. 36171% 36172Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the 36173Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats 36174in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the 36175moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine, a 36176dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every 36177respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside 36178it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms, 36179then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they 36180chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine ... 36181 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 36182% 36183Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none. 36184 -- William Shakespeare 36185% 36186Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is 36187ugly and the paper is from the wrong kind of tree. 36188 -- Professor W., EECS, George Washington University 36189 36190I'm looking forward to working with you on this next year. 36191 -- Professor, Harvard, on a senior thesis 36192% 36193Not only is UNIX dead, it's starting to smell really bad. 36194 -- Rob Pike 36195% 36196Not that we needed all that stuff, but when you get locked into a 36197serious drug collection the tendency is to push it as far as you can. 36198 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" 36199% 36200Not to laugh, not to lament, not to curse, but to understand. 36201 -- Spinoza 36202% 36203Not to mention the fact that most of the good code for PC minix seems 36204to have been written by Bruce Evans. 36205 -- Linus Torvalds, comp.os.minix, Jan. 1992 36206% 36207NOTE: No warranties, either express or implied, are hereby given. 36208All software is supplied as is, without guarantee. The user assumes 36209all responsibility for damages resulting from the use of these 36210features, including, but not limited to, frustration, disgust, system 36211abends, disk head-crashes, general malfeasance, floods, fires, shark 36212attack, nerve gas, locust infestation, cyclones, hurricanes, tsunamis, 36213local electromagnetic disruptions, hydraulic brake system failure, 36214invasion, hashing collisions, normal wear and tear of friction 36215surfaces, comic radiation, inadvertent destruction of sensitive 36216electronic components, windstorms, the Riders of Nazgul, infuriated 36217chickens, malfunctioning mechanical or electrical sexual devices, 36218premature activation of the distant early warning system, peasant 36219uprisings, halitosis, artillery bombardment, explosions, cave-ins, 36220and/or frogs falling from the sky. 36221% 36222Note: The system panics with a "NULL pointer dereference" message 36223 36224Failed due to: SunOS 5.8 is installed. 36225 -- Output of a SunCheckup run on a Solaris 8 machine 36226% 36227Note to myself: use real bullets next time. 36228% 36229Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter 36230of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund 36231is astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman -- 36232unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is 36233careful not to make any poultry jokes ... 36234 -- Woody Allen 36235% 36236Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing. 36237 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 36238% 36239Nothing can be done in one trip. 36240 -- Snider 36241% 36242Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up. 36243% 36244Nothing endures but change. 36245 -- Heraclitus 36246 [Yeah, yeah, "Everything changes but change itself." --JFK Ed.] 36247% 36248Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced -- even a 36249proverb is no proverb to you till your life has illustrated it. 36250 -- John Keats 36251% 36252Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result. 36253 -- Winston Churchill 36254 36255Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as 36256satisfying as an income tax refund. 36257 -- F. J. Raymond 36258% 36259Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood. 36260% 36261Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses. 36262% 36263Nothing is as simple as it seems at first 36264 Or as hopeless as it seems in the middle 36265 Or as finished as it seems in the end. 36266% 36267Nothing is but what is not. 36268% 36269Nothing is ever a total loss; it can always serve as a bad example. 36270% 36271Nothing is faster than the speed of light. 36272 36273To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before the 36274light comes on. 36275% 36276Nothing is finished until the paperwork is done. 36277% 36278Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it. 36279 -- Andrew Young 36280% 36281Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. 36282 -- A. H. Weiler 36283% 36284Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionaires 36285tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth. 36286 -- Nero Wolfe 36287% 36288Nothing is more quiet than the sound of hair going grey. 36289% 36290Nothing is rich but the inexhaustible wealth of nature. 36291She shows us only surfaces, but she is a million fathoms deep. 36292 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 36293% 36294Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know. 36295 -- Michel de Montaigne 36296% 36297Nothing is so often irretrievably missed as a daily opportunity. 36298 -- Ebner-Eschenbach 36299% 36300Nothing lasts forever. 36301Where do I find nothing? 36302% 36303Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute. 36304% 36305Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner. 36306Conscience makes egotists of us all. 36307 -- Oscar Wilde 36308% 36309Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all. 36310 -- Arthur Balfour 36311% 36312Nothing motivates a man more than to 36313see his boss put in an honest day's work. 36314% 36315Nothing, nothing, nothing, no error, no crime is so absolutely 36316repugnant to God as everything which is official; and why? because 36317the official is so impersonal and therefore the deepest insult 36318which can be offered to a personality. 36319 -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855) 36320% 36321Nothing recedes like success. 36322 -- Walter Winchell 36323% 36324Nothing shortens a journey so pleasantly as an account of misfortunes at 36325which the hearer is permitted to laugh. 36326 -- Quentin Crisp 36327% 36328Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits. 36329 -- Mark Twain 36330% 36331Nothing succeeds like success. 36332 -- Alexandre Dumas 36333% 36334Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success. 36335 -- Christopher Lascl 36336% 36337Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love. 36338 -- Charlie Brown 36339% 36340Nothing that's forced can ever be right, 36341If it doesn't come naturally, leave it. 36342That's what she said as she turned out the light, 36343And we bent our backs as slaves of the night, 36344Then she lowered her guard and showed me the scars 36345She got from trying to fight 36346Saying, oh, you'd better believe it. 36347[...] 36348Well nothing that's real is ever for free 36349And you just have to pay for it sometime. 36350She said it before, she said it to me, 36351I suppose she believed there was nothing to see, 36352But the same old four imaginary walls 36353She'd built for livin' inside 36354I said oh, you just can't mean it. 36355[...] 36356Well nothing that's forced can ever be right, 36357If it doesn't come naturally, leave it. 36358That's what she said as she turned out the light, 36359And she may have been wrong, and she may have been right, 36360But I woke with the frost, and noticed she'd lost 36361The veil that covered her eyes, 36362I said oh, you can leave it. 36363 -- Al Stewart, "If It Doesn't Come Naturally, Leave It" 36364% 36365Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee. 36366 -- Kin Hubbard 36367% 36368Nothing will ever be attempted 36369if all possible objections must be first overcome. 36370 -- Dr. Johnson 36371% 36372NOTICE: 36373 Anyone seen smoking will be assumed to be on fire and will 36374 be summarily put out. 36375% 36376NOTICE: 36377 36378-- THE ELEVATORS WILL BE OUT OF ORDER TODAY -- 36379 36380(The nearest working elevator is in the building across the street.) 36381% 36382Nouvelle cuisine, n.: 36383 French for "not enough food". 36384 36385Continental breakfast, n.: 36386 English for "not enough food". 36387 36388Tapas, n.: 36389 Spanish for "not enough food". 36390 36391Dim Sum, n.: 36392 Chinese for more food than you've ever seen in your entire life. 36393% 36394November, n.: 36395 The eleventh twelfth of a weariness. 36396 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 36397% 36398Novinson's Revolutionary Discovery: 36399 36400 When comes the revolution, things will be different -- 36401 not better, just different. 36402% 36403Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature. 36404% 36405Now hatred is by far the longest pleasure; 36406Men love in haste, but they detest at leisure. 36407 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan" 36408% 36409Now I lay me back to sleep. 36410The speaker's dull; the subject's deep. 36411If he should stop before I wake, 36412Give me a nudge for goodness' sake. 36413 -- Anonymous 36414% 36415Now I lay me down to sleep 36416I pray the double lock will keep; 36417May no brick through the window break, 36418And, no one rob me till I awake. 36419% 36420Now I lay me down to sleep, 36421I pray the Lord my soul to keep, 36422If I should die before I wake, 36423I'll cry in anguish, "Mistake!! Mistake!!" 36424% 36425Now I lay me down to study, 36426I pray the Lord I won't go nutty. 36427And if I fail to learn this junk, 36428I pray the Lord that I won't flunk. 36429But if I do, don't pity me at all, 36430Just lay my bones in the study hall. 36431Tell my teacher I've done my best, 36432Then pile my books upon my chest. 36433% 36434Now is the time for all good men to come to. 36435 -- Walt Kelly 36436% 36437Now is the time for drinking; 36438now the time to beat the earth with unfettered foot. 36439 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 36440% 36441Now it's time to say goodbye 36442To all our company... 36443M-I-C (see you next week!) 36444K-E-Y (Why? Because we LIKE you!) 36445M-O-U-S-E. 36446% 36447Now of my threescore years and ten, 36448Twenty will not come again, 36449And take from seventy springs a score, 36450It leaves me only fifty more. 36451 36452And since to look at things in bloom 36453Fifty springs are little room, 36454About the woodlands I will go 36455To see the cherry hung with snow. 36456 -- A. E. Housman 36457% 36458Now that day wearies me, 36459My yearning desire 36460Will receive more kindly, 36461Like a tired child, the starry night. 36462 36463Hands, leave off your deeds, 36464Mind, forget all thoughts; 36465All of my forces 36466Yearn only to sink into sleep. 36467 36468And my soul, unguarded, 36469Would soar on widespread wings, 36470To live in night's magical sphere 36471More profoundly, more variously. 36472 -- Hermann Hesse, "Going to Sleep" 36473% 36474Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next 36475time some housewife or boutique-owner-turned-diet-expert appears on TV 36476to plug her latest book. And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for 36477eating coffee cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself 36478the following questions: 36479 364801: Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a food? 364812: Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich 36482 exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me? 364833: Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as prescribed... 36484 without French-fried onion rings, pizza with double cheese, or the 36485 occasional Mai-Tai? (Remember, living right doesn't really make 36486 you live longer, it just *seems* like longer.) 36487 36488That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick. 36489% 36490Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called 36491Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that 36492were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST ... 36493 -- "The Begatting of a President" 36494% 36495Now there's a violent movie titled, "The Croquet Homicide," 36496or "Murder With Mallets Aforethought." 36497 -- Shelby Friedman, WSJ 36498% 36499Now there's three things you can do in a baseball game: 36500you can win or you can lose or it can rain. 36501 -- Casey Stengel 36502% 36503Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm. Gag me with a 36504smurfette. 36505 -- P. Buhr, Computer Science 354 36506% 36507Nowlan's Theory: 36508 He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from 36509 the next freeway exit. 36510% 36511Now's the time to have some big ideas 36512Now's the time to make some firm decisions 36513We saw the Buddha in a bar down south 36514Talking politics and nuclear fission 36515We see him and he's all washed up -- 36516Moving on into the body of a beetle 36517Getting ready for a long long crawl 36518He ain't nothing -- he ain't nothing at all... 36519 36520Death and Money make their point once more 36521In the shape of Philosophical assassins 36522Mark and Danny take the bus uptown 36523Deadly angels for reality and passion 36524Have the courage of the here and now 36525Don't taking nothing from the half-baked buddhas 36526When you think you got it paid in full 36527You got nothing -- you got nothing at all... 36528 We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha. 36529 We know his name and he mustn't get away. 36530 We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha. 36531 It would take one shot -- to blow him away... 36532 -- Shriekback, "Gunning for the Buddha" 36533% 36534Nuclear powered vacuum cleaners will probably be a reality within 10 years. 36535 -- Alex Lewyt (President of the Lewyt Corporation, 36536 manufacturers of vacuum cleaners), quoted in The New York 36537 Times, June 10, 1955. 36538% 36539[Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable. 36540 -- Edwin Meese III 36541% 36542Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile. 36543 -- Karl Lehenbauer 36544% 36545Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of 36546normal routines, for children and adults alike. 36547 -- Willard F. Libby, "You Can Survive Atomic Attack" 36548% 36549Nuclear war would really set back cable. 36550 -- Ted Turner 36551% 36552Nudists are people who wear one-button suits. 36553% 36554Nuke the unborn gay female whales for Jesus. 36555% 36556Nuke them till they glow, then shoot them in the dark. 36557% 36558(null cookie; hope that's ok) 36559% 36560Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit. 36561 -- Seneca 36562% 36563Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're guessing. 36564% 36565Nurse Donna: Oh, Groucho, I'm afraid I'm gonna wind up an old maid. 36566Groucho: Well, bring her in and we'll wind her up together. 36567Nurse Donna: Do you believe in computer dating? 36568Groucho: Only if the computers really love each other. 36569% 36570Nusbaum's Rule: 36571 The more pretentious the corporate name, the smaller the 36572 organization. (For instance, the Murphy Center for the 36573 Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted 36574 to IBM, GM, and AT&T.) 36575% 36576O! If I were a fish 36577I'd lay hap'ly on my dish. 36578Yes, that's my one and only wish -- 36579To be a fish! 36580 36581For fish don't ever mish; 36582They needn't flush after they pish! 36583Yes, and life's just swish, swish, swish, 36584For all the fish!!! 36585% 36586O give me a home, 36587Where the buffalo roam, 36588Where the deer and the antelope play, 36589Where seldom is heard 36590A discouraging word, 36591'Cause what can an antelope say? 36592% 36593O imitators, you slavish herd! 36594 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 36595% 36596O, it is excellent 36597To have a giant's strength; but it is tyrannous 36598To use it like a giant. 36599 -- William Shakespeare, "Measure for Measure", II, 2 36600% 36601O Lord, grant that we may always be right, 36602for Thou knowest we will never change our minds. 36603% 36604O love, could thou and I with fate conspire 36605To grasp this sorry scheme of things entire, 36606Might we not smash it to bits 36607And mould it closer to our hearts' desire? 36608 -- Omar Khayyam, tr. Fitzgerald 36609% 36610Oatmeal raisin. 36611% 36612Objects are lost only because people 36613look where they are not rather than where they are. 36614% 36615O'Brian's Law: 36616 Everything is always done for the wrong reasons. 36617% 36618O'Brien held up his left hand, its back toward Winston, with the 36619thumb hidden and the four fingers extended. 36620 "How many fingers am I holding up, Winston?" 36621 "Four." 36622 "And if the Party says that it is not four but five -- 36623 then how many?" 36624 "Four." 36625 The word ended in a gasp of pain. 36626 -- George Orwell 36627% 36628Observe yon plumed biped fine. 36629To activate its captivation, 36630Deposit on its termination, 36631A quantity of particles saline. 36632% 36633Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off your goal. 36634% 36635Obviously, a major malfunction has occurred. 36636 -- Steve Nesbitt, voice of Mission Control, January 28, 36637 1986, as the shuttle Challenger exploded within view 36638 of the grandstands. 36639% 36640Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide. 36641% 36642OCCAM'S ERASER: 36643 The philosophical principle that even the simplest 36644 solution is bound to have something wrong with it. 36645% 36646Occident, n.: 36647 The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is 36648 largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the 36649 Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, 36650 which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, 36651 are the principal industries of the Orient. 36652 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 36653% 36654OCEAN: 36655 A body of water occupying about two-thirds 36656 of a world made for man -- who has no gills. 36657% 36658Odets, where is thy sting? 36659 -- George S. Kaufman 36660% 36661Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal. 36662% 36663Of all men's miseries, the bitterest is this: 36664to know so much and have control over nothing. 36665 -- Herodotus 36666% 36667Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the 36668reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest 36669amount of hot air. 36670 -- Thomas L. Martin 36671% 36672Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable. 36673 -- Plato 36674% 36675Of all the words of witch's doom 36676There's none so bad as which and whom. 36677The man who kills both which and whom 36678Will be enshrined in our Who's Whom. 36679 -- Fletcher Knebel 36680% 36681Of all things man is the measure. 36682 -- Protagoras 36683% 36684Of course a platonic relationship is possible -- but only between 36685husband and wife. 36686% 36687Of course it's possible to love a human being 36688if you don't know them too well. 36689 -- Charles Bukowski 36690% 36691Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power 36692tools aren't soluble in alcohol... 36693 -- Crazy Nigel 36694% 36695Of course you can't flap your arms and fly to the moon. 36696After awhile you'd run out of air to push against. 36697% 36698Of course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose. 36699% 36700Of what you see in books, believe 75%. Of newspapers, believe 50%. 36701And of TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a blazer. 36702% 36703Office Automation, n.: 36704 The use of computers to improve efficiency in the office 36705 by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee. 36706% 36707Official Project Stages: 36708 1. Uncritical Acceptance 36709 2. Wild Enthusiasm 36710 3. Dejected Disillusionment 36711 4. Total Confusion 36712 5. Search for the Guilty 36713 6. Punishment of the Innocent 36714 7. Promotion of the Non-participants 36715% 36716Often statistics are used as a drunken man uses 36717lampposts -- for support rather than illumination. 36718% 36719Often things ARE as bad as they seem! 36720% 36721Ogden's Law: 36722 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up. 36723% 36724Oh, Aunty Em, it's so good to be home! 36725% 36726Oh, by the way, which one's Pink? 36727 -- Pink Floyd 36728% 36729Oh Dad! We're ALL Devo! 36730% 36731Oh don't the days seem lank and long 36732When all goes right and none goes wrong, 36733And isn't your life extremely flat 36734With nothing whatever to grumble at! 36735% 36736Oh Father, my Father, Oh what must I do? 36737They're burning our streets and beating me blue. 36738"Listen my son, I'll tell you the truth: 36739Get a close haircut and spit-shine your shoes." 36740 36741Oh Mother, my Mother, my confusions remove, 36742I long to embrace her whose hair is so smooth. 36743"Now listen my son, although you're confused, 36744Cut your hair close and shine all your shoes." 36745 36746Oh Teacher, my Teacher, your life with me share. 36747What books ought I read? What thoughts do I dare? 36748"Oh Student, my Student, of dissent you beware. 36749Shine those dull shoes and cut short your hair." 36750 36751Oh Preacher, my Preacher, does God really care? 36752Are all races equal? Are laws just and fair? 36753"Boy -- here's the answer, no need to despair: 36754Shine those new shoes and cut short that hair." 36755% 36756Oh freddled gruntbuggly, thy micturations are to me 36757As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee. 36758Groop I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes, 36759And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles, 36760Or I will rend thee in the goblerwarts with my blurglecruncheon, 36761 see if I don't. 36762 -- Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz 36763% 36764Oh, give me a home, 36765Where the buffalo roam, 36766And I'll show you a house with a really messy kitchen. 36767% 36768Oh, give me a locus where the gravitons focus 36769 Where the three-body problem is solved, 36770 Where the microwaves play down at three degrees K, 36771 And the cold virus never evolved. (chorus) 36772We eat algae pie, our vacuum is high, 36773 Our ball bearings are perfectly round. 36774 Our horizon is curved, our warheads are MIRVed, 36775 And a kilogram weighs half a pound. (chorus) 36776If we run out of space for our burgeoning race 36777 No more Lebensraum left for the Mensch 36778 When we're ready to start, we can take Mars apart, 36779 If we just find a big enough wrench. (chorus) 36780I'm sick of this place, it's just McDonald's in space, 36781 And living up here is a bore. 36782 Tell the shiggies, "Don't cry," they can kiss me goodbye 36783 'Cause I'm moving next week to L4! (chorus) 36784 36785CHORUS: Home, home on LaGrange, 36786 Where the space debris always collects, 36787 We possess, so it seems, two of Man's greatest dreams: 36788 Solar power and zero-gee sex. 36789 -- to Home on the Range 36790% 36791Oh give me your pity! 36792I'm on a committee, We attend and amend 36793Which means that from morning And contend and defend 36794 to night, Without a conclusion in sight. 36795 36796We confer and concur, 36797We defer and demur, We revise the agenda 36798And reiterate all of our thoughts. With frequent addenda 36799 And consider a load of reports. 36800 36801We compose and propose, 36802We suppose and oppose, But though various notions 36803And the points of procedure are fun; Are brought up as motions, 36804 There's terribly little gets done. 36805 36806We resolve and absolve; 36807But we never dissolve, 36808Since it's out of the question for us 36809To bring our committee 36810To end like this ditty, 36811Which stops with a period, thus. 36812 -- Leslie Lipson, "The Committee" 36813% 36814"Oh, he [a big dog] hunts with papa," she said. "He says Don Carlos [the 36815dog] is good for almost every kind of game. He went duck hunting one time 36816and did real well at it. Then Papa bought some ducks, not wild ducks but, 36817you know, farm ducks. And it got Don Carlos all mixed up. Since the 36818ducks were always around the yard with nobody shooting at them he knew he 36819wasn't supposed to kill them, but he had to do something. So one morning 36820last spring, when the ground was still soft, he took all the ducks and 36821buried them." "What do you mean, buried them?" "Oh, he didn't hurt them. 36822He dug little holes all over the yard and picked up the ducks in his mouth 36823and put them in the holes. Then he covered them up with mud except for 36824their heads. He did thirteen ducks that way and was digging a hole for 36825another one when Tony found him. We talked about it for a long time. Papa 36826said Don Carlos was afraid the ducks might run away, and since he didn't 36827know how to build a cage he put them in holes. He's a smart dog." 36828 -- R. Bradford, "Red Sky At Morning" 36829% 36830Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay 36831 I muck with indices and structs all day 36832And when it works, I shout hoo-ray 36833 Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay 36834% 36835Oh, I could while away the hours, 36836Smoking herbs and flowers, 36837Shooting up my veins, 36838 De-dum, De-dum, De-dum 36839Tell you, I've been a-thinkin' 36840I could drive a shiny Lincoln, 36841If I dealt in good cocaine. 36842 -- To "If I Only Had A Brain" from "The Wizard of Oz" 36843% 36844Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd 36845be irresponsible, too. 36846 -- Lichty & Wagner 36847% 36848Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth, 36849And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings; 36850Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth 36851Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things 36852You have not dreamed of -- 36853Wheeled and soared and swung 36854High in the sunlit silence. 36855Hovering there 36856I've chased the shouting wind along and flung 36857My eager craft through footless halls of air. 36858Up, up along delirious, burning blue 36859I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace, 36860Where never lark, or even eagle flew; 36861And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod 36862The high untrespassed sanctity of space, 36863Put out my hand, and touched the face of God. 36864 -- John Gillespie Magee, Jr., "High Flight" 36865% 36866Oh I'm just a typical American boy 36867From a typical American town. 36868I believe in God and Senator Dodd 36869And keeping old Castro down. 36870And when it came my time to serve 36871I knew "Better Dead Than Red", 36872But when I got to my old draft board, 36873Buddy, this is what I said: 36874 36875Chorus: 36876 Sarge, I'm only eighteen, I've got a ruptured spleen, 36877 And I always carry a purse! 36878 I've got eyes like a bat and my feet are flat, 36879 And my asthma's getting worse! 36880 Yes, think of my career and my sweetheart dear, 36881 And my poor old invalid aunt! 36882 Besides I ain't no fool, I'm a-going to school 36883 And I'm a-working in a defense plant! 36884 -- Phil Ochs, "Draft Dodger Rag" 36885% 36886Oh Lord, won't you buy me a 4BSD? 36887My friends all got sources, so why can't I see? 36888Come all you moby hackers, come sing it out with me: 36889To hell with the lawyers from AT&T! 36890% 36891Oh, love is real enough, you will find it some day, but it has one 36892arch-enemy -- and that is life. 36893 -- Jean Anouilh, "Ardele" 36894% 36895Oh, my friend, it is not what they take away from you that counts -- 36896it's what you do with what you have left. 36897 -- Hubert H. Humphrey 36898% 36899Oh no my dear, I'm a very good man. I'm just a very bad wizard. 36900 -- Frank Morgan as The Wizard, "The Wizard of Oz" 36901% 36902Oh, so there you are! 36903% 36904Oh, the Slithery Dee, he crawled out of the sea. 36905He may catch all the others, but he won't catch me. 36906No, he won't catch me, stupid ol' Slithery Dee. 36907He may catch all the others, but AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!! 36908 -- The Smothers Brothers 36909% 36910Oh this age! How tasteless and ill-bred it is. 36911 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus 36912% 36913Oh wad some power the giftie gie us 36914To see oursel's as others see us! 36915It wad frae monie a blunder free us, 36916And foolish notion. 36917 -- Robert Burns, National Poet of Scotland, 1759-1796 36918% 36919Oh wearisome condition of humanity! 36920Born under one law, to another bound. 36921 -- Fulke Greville, Lord Brooke 36922% 36923Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes. 36924% 36925Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive. 36926 -- William Shakespeare 36927% 36928Oh, when I was in love with you, 36929 Then I was clean and brave, 36930And miles around the wonder grew 36931 How well did I behave. 36932 36933And now the fancy passes by, 36934 And nothing will remain, 36935And miles around they'll say that I 36936 Am quite myself again. 36937 -- A. E. Housman 36938% 36939Oh, wow! Look at the moon! 36940% 36941Oh, ya doesn't have ta call me "Johnson"! Well, you can call me "Ray", or 36942you can call me "Jay", or you can call me "R. J.", or you can call me "Ray 36943J.", or you can call me "R. J. J.", or you can call me "Ray J. Johnson", or 36944you can call me "R. J. Johnson", but ya DOESN'T have to call me "Johnson" ... 36945% 36946Oh, yeah, life goes on, long after the thrill of livin' is gone. 36947 -- John Cougar, "Jack and Diane" 36948% 36949O.K., fine. 36950% 36951Ok, note to all reading this: if I ask for information and you don't 36952have the information available, don't bother sending me an e-mail 36953just to tell me that you don't have the information available. Wait 36954until you do have the information available, and then e-mail me. You'll 36955save precious time and electrons. 36956 -- Bill Paul 36957% 36958OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard. 36959 -- Dr. Joy 36960% 36961OK, so you're a Ph.D. Just don't touch anything. 36962% 36963Okay, Okay -- I admit it. You didn't change that program that worked 36964just a little while ago; I inserted some random characters into the 36965executable. Please forgive me. You can recover the file by typing in 36966the code over again, since I also removed the source. 36967% 36968Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill. 36969% 36970Old age is always fifteen years older than I am. 36971 -- Bernard Baruch 36972% 36973Old age is the harbor of all ills. 36974 -- Bion 36975% 36976Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man. 36977 -- Trotsky 36978% 36979Old age is too high a price to pay for maturity. 36980% 36981Old Grandad is dead but his spirits live on. 36982% 36983Old Japanese proverb: 36984 There are two kinds of fools -- those who never climb Mt. Fuji, 36985and those who climb it twice. 36986% 36987Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement. 36988% 36989Old mail has arrived. 36990% 36991Old men are fond of giving good advice to console themselves for being 36992no longer in a position to give bad examples. 36993 -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims" 36994% 36995Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard 36996To fetch her poor daughter a dress. 36997When she got there, the cupboard was bare 36998And so was her daughter, I guess... 36999% 37000Old musicians never die, they just decompose. 37001% 37002Old programmers never die, they just become managers. 37003% 37004Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address. 37005% 37006Old programmers never die, they just hit account block limit. 37007% 37008Old soldiers never die. Young ones do. 37009% 37010Old timer, n.: 37011 One who remembers when charity was a virtue and not an organization. 37012% 37013Olivier's Law: 37014 Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 37015% 37016Omnibiblious, adj.: 37017 Indifferent to type of drink. Ex: "Oh, you can get me anything. 37018 I'm omnibiblious." 37019% 37020OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS?? Oh, YEH!! First you need four GALLONS of 37021JELL-O and a BIG WRENCH!! ... I think you drop th' WRENCH in the JELL-O 37022as if it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT ... or ... I ... um ... 37023WHERE'S the WASHING MACHINES? 37024% 37025On a clear day, U.C.L.A. 37026% 37027On a clear disk you can seek forever. 37028 -- P. Denning 37029% 37030On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague: 37031 37032This isn't right. This isn't even wrong. 37033 -- Wolfgang Pauli 37034% 37035On a tous un peu peur de l'amour, mais on 37036a surtout peur de souffrir ou de faire souffrir. 37037 37038[One is always a little afraid of love, but 37039above all, one is afraid of pain or causing pain.] 37040% 37041On ability: 37042 A dwarf is small, even if he stands on a mountain top; 37043 a colossus keeps his height, even if he stands in a well. 37044 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca, 4BC - 65AD 37045% 37046On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only 37047nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter 37048what it does. 37049 -- Will Rogers 37050% 37051On his way back from work, a driver came upon a horrible wreck in which one 37052car looked exactly like his neighbor's. Stopping hurriedly on the side of 37053the road, he ran toward the smoldering debris. 37054 "Listen, mister," a policeman said, holding him back, "I can't let 37055you come any closer." 37056 "But that may be my friend, Henry, in there," the anguished man 37057explained. 37058 "OK, but it's pretty grisly," the cop cautioned. "There was a 37059decapitation." 37060 The policeman reached into the back seat of the demolished car and 37061pulled forth the head, holding it at arm's length. "Is this your friend?" 37062 "That's not him -- thank heavens," the man said. "Henry's much 37063taller." 37064% 37065On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are 37066created jerks. 37067 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow" 37068% 37069On Thanksgiving Day all over America, families sit down to dinner at the 37070same moment -- halftime. 37071% 37072On the eighth day, God created FORTRAN. 37073% 37074On the night before her family moved from Kansas to California, the little 37075girl knelt by her bed to say her prayers. "God bless Mommy and Daddy and 37076Keith and Kim," she said. As she began to get up, she quickly added, "Oh, 37077and God, this is goodbye. We're moving to Hollywood." 37078% 37079On the subject of C program indentation: 37080 37081 "In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be 37082 indented six feet downward and covered with dirt." 37083 -- Blair P. Houghton 37084% 37085On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia. 37086 -- W. C. Fields' epitaph 37087% 37088On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], "Pray, Mr. 37089Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers 37090come out?" I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of 37091ideas that could provoke such a question. 37092 -- Charles Babbage 37093% 37094Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were 37095forced to live on nothing but food and water for days. 37096 -- W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee" 37097% 37098Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled. 37099 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 37100% 37101Once, adv.: 37102 Enough. 37103 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 37104% 37105Once again dread deed is done. 37106Canon sleeps, 37107his all-knowing eye shaded 37108to human chance and circumstance. 37109Peace reigns anew o'er Pine Valley, 37110but Canon's sleep is troubled. 37111 37112Beware, scant days past the Ides of July. 37113Impatient hands wait eagerly 37114to grasp, to hold 37115scant moments of time 37116wrested from life in the full 37117glory of Canon's power; 37118held captive by his unblinking eye. 37119 37120Three golden orbs stand watch; 37121one each to toll the day, hour, minute 37122until predestiny decrees his reawakening. 37123When that feared moment arrives, 37124"Ask not for whom the bell tolls, 37125It tolls for thee." 37126 -- "I extended the loan on your Camera, at the Pine 37127 Valley Pawn Shop today" 37128% 37129Once Again From the Top 37130 37131Correction notice in the Miami Herald: "Last Sunday, The Herald erroneously 37132reported that original Dolphin Johnny Holmes had been an insurance salesman 37133in Raleigh, North Carolina, that he had won the New York lottery in 1982 and 37134lost the money in a land swindle, that he had been charged with vehicular 37135homicide, but acquitted because his mother said she drove the car, and that 37136he stated that the funniest thing he ever saw was Flipper spouting water on 37137George Wilson. Each of these items was erroneous material published 37138inadvertently. He was not an insurance salesman in Raleigh, did not win the 37139lottery, neither he nor his mother was charged or involved in any way with 37140vehicular homicide, and he made no comment about Flipper or George Wilson. 37141The Herald regrets the errors." 37142 -- "The Progressive", March, 1987 37143% 37144Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that 37145each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his 37146choice. 37147 37148In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians 37149called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukkah" 37150and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People 37151passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy 37152Hanukkah!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!" 37153 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 37154% 37155Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, 37156Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". 37157Disraeli replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your 37158principals or your mistress". 37159% 37160Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it. 37161 -- Homer 37162% 37163Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his 37164roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the 37165forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind 37166the railroad yards." 37167 -- H. L. Mencken, writing of William Jennings Bryan, 37168 counsel for the supporters of Tennessee's anti-evolution 37169 law at the Scopes "Monkey Trial" in 1925. 37170% 37171Once I finally figured out all of life's 37172answers, they changed the questions. 37173% 37174Once, I read that a man be never stronger 37175than when he truly realizes how weak he is. 37176 -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel #31" 37177% 37178Once is happenstance, 37179Twice is coincidence, 37180Three times is enemy action. 37181 -- Auric Goldfinger 37182% 37183Once it hits the fan, the only rational choice is to 37184sweep it up, package it, and sell it as fertilizer. 37185% 37186Once Law was sitting on the bench 37187 And Mercy knelt a-weeping. 37188"Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench! 37189 Nor come before me creeping. 37190Upon your knees if you appear, 37191'Tis plain you have no standing here." 37192 37193Then Justice came. His Honor cried: 37194 "YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!" 37195"Amica curiae," she replied -- 37196 "Friend of the court, so please you." 37197"Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door -- 37198I never saw your face before!" 37199 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 37200% 37201Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human 37202beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by 37203side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them 37204which makes it possible for each to see each other whole against the sky. 37205 -- Rainer Rilke 37206% 37207Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in. 37208 -- H. R. Haldeman 37209% 37210Once there was a little nerd who loved to read your mail, 37211And then yank back the i-access times to get hackers off his tail, 37212And once as he finished reading from the secretary's spool, 37213He wrote a rude rejection to her boyfriend (how uncool!) 37214And this as delivermail did work and he ran his backfstat, 37215He heard an awful crackling like rat fritters in hot fat, 37216And hard errors brought the system down 'fore he could even shout! 37217 And the bio bug'll bring yours down too, ef you don't watch out! 37218And once they was a little flake who'd prowl through the uulog, 37219And when he went to his blit that night to play at being god, 37220The ops all heard him holler, and they to the console dashed, 37221But when they did a ps -ut they found the system crashed! 37222Oh, the wizards adb'd the dumps and did the system trace, 37223And worked on the file system 'til the disk head was hot paste, 37224But all they ever found was this: "panic: never doubt", 37225 And the bio bug'll crash your box too, ef you don't watch out! 37226When the day is done and the moon comes out, 37227And you hear the printer whining and the rk's seems to count, 37228When the other desks are empty and their terminals glassy grey, 37229And the load is only 1.6 and you wonder if it'll stay, 37230You must mind the file protections and not snoop around, 37231 Or the bio bug'll getcha and bring the system down! 37232% 37233Once there was this conductor see, who had a bass problem. You see, during 37234a portion of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony in which there are no bass violin 37235parts, one of the bassists always passed a bottle of scotch around. So, 37236to remind himself that the basses usually required an extra cue towards the 37237end of the symphony, the conductor would fasten a piece of string around the 37238page of the score before the bass cue. As the basses grew more and more 37239inebriated, two of them fell asleep. The conductor grew quite nervous (he 37240was very concerned about the pitch) because it was the bottom of the ninth; 37241the score was tied and the basses were loaded with two out. 37242% 37243Once upon a time there... 37244% 37245Once upon a time there was a kingdom ruled by a great bear. The peasants 37246were not very rich, and one of the few ways to become at all wealthy was 37247to become a Royal Knight. This required an interview with the bear. If 37248the bear liked you, you were knighted on the spot. If not, the bear would 37249just as likely remove your head with one swat of a paw. However, the family 37250of these unfortunate would-be knights was compensated with a beautiful 37251sheepdog from the royal kennels, which was itself a fairly valuable 37252possession. And the moral of the story is: 37253 37254The mourning after a terrible knight, nothing beats the dog of the bear that 37255hit you. 37256% 37257Once upon this midnight incoherent, 37258While you pondered sentient and crystalline, 37259Over many a broken and subordinate 37260Volume of gnarly lore, 37261While I pestered, nearly singing, 37262Suddenly there came a hewing, 37263As of someone profusely skulking, 37264Skulking at my chamber door. 37265% 37266Once you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all. 37267% 37268Once you've tried to change the world you find 37269it's a whole bunch easier to change your mind. 37270% 37271One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least 37272somebody's listening. 37273 -- Franklin P. Jones 37274% 37275"One Architecture, One OS" also translates as "One Egg, One Basket". 37276% 37277"One basic notion underlying Usenet is that it is a cooperative." 37278 37279Having been on USENET for going on ten years, I disagree with this. 37280The basic notion underlying USENET is the flame. 37281 -- Chuq Von Rospach 37282% 37283One Bell System - it sometimes works. 37284% 37285One Bell System - it used to work before they installed the Dimension! 37286% 37287One Bell System - it works. 37288% 37289One big pile is better than two little piles. 37290 -- Arlo Guthrie 37291% 37292One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar. 37293 -- Helen Keller 37294% 37295One can search the brain with a microscope and not find the 37296mind, and can search the stars with a telescope and not find God. 37297 -- J. Gustav White 37298% 37299One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing 37300how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette. 37301 -- Professor Charles P. Issawi 37302% 37303One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means. 37304% 37305One could not be a successful scientist without realizing that, in contrast 37306to the popular conception supported by newspapers and mothers of scientists, 37307a goodly number of scientists are not only narrow-minded and dull, but also 37308just stupid. 37309 -- J. D. Watson, "The Double Helix" 37310% 37311One day an elderly Jewish Pole, living in Warsaw, finds an old lamp in his 37312attic. He starts to polish it and (poof!) a genie appears in a cloud of 37313smoke. 37314 "Greetings, Mortal!" exclaims the genie, stretching and yawning, "For 37315releasing me I will grant you three wishes." 37316 The old man thinks for a moment, then replies, "I want Genghis Khan 37317resurrected. I want him to re-unite the Mongol hordes, march to the Polish 37318border, decide he doesn't want to invade, and march back home." 37319 "No sooner said than done!" thunders the genie. "Your second wish?" 37320 "Hmmmm. I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite the 37321Mongol hordes, march to the Polish border, decide he doesn't want to invade, 37322and march back home." 37323 "But... well, all right! Your third wish?" 37324 "I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite his ---" 37325 "OKOKOKOK! Right. Got it. Why do you want Genghis Khan to march 37326to Poland three times and never invade?" 37327 The old man smiles. "He has to pass through Russia six times." 37328% 37329One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell the 37330truth. A gallows was erected in front of the city gates. A herald announced, 37331"Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to a question 37332which will be put to him." Nasrudin was first in line. The captain of the 37333guard asked him, "Where are you going? Tell the truth -- the alternative 37334is death by hanging." 37335 "I am going," said Nasrudin, "to be hanged on that gallows." 37336 "I don't believe you." 37337 "Very well, if I have told a lie, then hang me!" 37338 "But that would make it the truth!" 37339 "Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth." 37340% 37341One day this guy is finally fed up with his middle-class existence and 37342decides to do something about it. He calls up his best friend, who is a 37343mathematical genius. "Look," he says, "do you suppose you could find some 37344way mathematically of guaranteeing winning at the race track? We could 37345make a lot of money and retire and enjoy life." The mathematician thinks 37346this over a bit and walks away mumbling to himself. 37347 A week later his friend drops by to ask the genius if he's had any 37348success. The genius, looking a little bleary-eyed, replies, "Well, yes, 37349actually I do have an idea, and I'm reasonably sure that it will work, but 37350there a number of details to be figured out. 37351 After the second week the mathematician appears at his friend's house, 37352looking quite a bit rumpled, and announces, "I think I've got it! I still have 37353some of the theory to work out, but now I'm certain that I'm on the right 37354track." 37355 At the end of the third week the mathematician wakes his friend by 37356pounding on his door at three in the morning. He has dark circles under his 37357eyes. His hair hasn't been combed for many days. He appears to be wearing 37358the same clothes as the last time. He has several pencils sticking out from 37359behind his ears and an almost maniacal expression on his face. "WE CAN DO 37360IT! WE CAN DO IT!!" he shrieks. "I have discovered the perfect solution!! 37361And it's so EASY! First, we assume that horses are perfect spheres in simple 37362harmonic motion..." 37363% 37364One day, 37365A mad meta-poet, 37366With nothing to say, 37367Wrote a mad meta-poem 37368That started: "One day, 37369A mad meta-poet, 37370With nothing to say, 37371Wrote a mad meta-poem 37372That started: "One day, 37373[...] 37374sort of close". 37375Were the words that the poet, 37376Finally chose, 37377To bring his mad poem, 37378To some sort of close". 37379Were the words that the poet, 37380Finally chose, 37381To bring his mad poem, 37382To some sort of close". 37383% 37384One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet 37385when well oiled. 37386% 37387One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you. 37388 -- Larry Gelbart 37389% 37390One dusty July afternoon, somewhere around the turn of the century, Patrick 37391Malone was in Mulcahey's Bar, bending an elbow with the other street car 37392conductors from the Brooklyn Traction Company. While they were discussing the 37393merits of a local ring hero, the bar goes silent. Malone turns around to see 37394his wife, with a face grim as death, stalking to the bar. 37395 Slapping a four-bit piece down on the bar, she draws herself up to her 37396full five feet five inches and says to Mulcahey, "Give me what himself has 37397been havin' all these years." 37398 Mulcahey looks at Malone, who shrugs, and then back at Margaret Mary 37399Malone. He sets out a glass and pours her a triple shot of Rye. The bar is 37400totally silent as they watch the woman pick up the glass and knock back the 37401drink. She slams the glass down on the bar, gasps, shudders slightly, and 37402passes out; falling straight back, stiff as a board, saved from sudden contact 37403with the barroom floor by the ample belly of Seamus Fogerty. 37404 Sometime later, she comes to on the pool table, a jacket under her 37405head. Her bloodshot eyes fell upon her husband, who says, "And all these 37406years you've been thinkin' I've been enjoying meself." 37407% 37408One expresses well the love he does not feel. 37409 -- J. A. Karr 37410% 37411One family builds a wall, two families enjoy it. 37412% 37413One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters. 37414 -- George Herbert 37415% 37416One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly possible. 37417Friendship needs a certain parallelism of life, a community of thought, 37418a rivalry of aim. 37419 -- Henry Brook Adams 37420% 37421One girl can be pretty -- but a dozen are only a chorus. 37422 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Last Tycoon" 37423% 37424One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they 37425never have to stop and answer the phone. 37426% 37427One good suit is worth a thousand resumes. 37428% 37429One good thing about music, 37430Well, it helps you feel no pain. 37431So hit me with music; 37432Hit me with music now. 37433 -- Bob Marley, "Trenchtown Rock" 37434% 37435One good turn asketh another. 37436 -- John Heywood 37437% 37438One good turn deserves another. 37439 -- Gaius Petronius 37440% 37441One good turn usually gets most of the blanket. 37442% 37443One has to look out for engineers -- they begin with sewing machines 37444and end up with the atomic bomb. 37445 -- Marcel Pagnol 37446% 37447One hundred women are not worth a single testicle. 37448 -- Confucius 37449% 37450One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious. 37451 -- Chateaubriand (1768-1848) 37452% 37453One is often kept in the right road by a rut. 37454 -- Gustave Droz 37455% 37456One learns to itch where one can scratch. 37457 -- Ernest Bramah 37458% 37459ONE LIFE TO LIVE for ALL MY CHILDREN in 37460ANOTHER WORLD all THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES. 37461% 37462One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true. 37463% 37464One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as 37465one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will 37466produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to 37467represent a creative meeting, and the ratio changes to one quarter as 37468many ... 37469 -- Anthony Chevins 37470% 37471One man's constant is another man's variable. 37472 -- Alan J. Perlis 37473% 37474One man's folly is another man's wife. 37475 -- Helen Rowland 37476% 37477One man's "magic" is another man's engineering. 37478"Supernatural" is a null word. 37479% 37480One man's Mede is another man's Persian. 37481 -- George M. Cohan 37482% 37483One man's theology is another man's belly laugh. 37484% 37485One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends 37486can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention. 37487 -- Clifton Fadiman 37488% 37489One meets his destiny often on the road he takes to avoid it. 37490% 37491One monk said to the other, "The fish has flopped out of the net! How 37492will it live?" The other said, "When you have gotten out of the net, 37493I'll tell you." 37494% 37495One must have a heart of stone to read the death of Little Nell by Dickens 37496without laughing. 37497 -- Oscar Wilde 37498% 37499One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. 37500% 37501One nuclear bomb can ruin your whole day. 37502% 37503One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible from 37504one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at least 70 37505percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts are, of course, 37506simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but when He's good, 37507nobody can touch him. 37508 -- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan. 1983 37509% 37510One of the chief duties of the mathematician in acting as an 37511advisor... is to discourage... from expecting too much from 37512mathematics. 37513 -- N. Wiener 37514% 37515One of the disadvantages of having children is that they eventually get old 37516enough to give you presents they make at school. 37517 -- Robert Byrne 37518% 37519One of the large consolations for experiencing anything 37520unpleasant is the knowledge that one can communicate it. 37521 -- Joyce Carol Oates 37522% 37523One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to 37524do and always a clever thing to say. 37525 -- Will Durant 37526% 37527One of the major difficulties Trillian experienced in her relationship with 37528Zaphod was learning to distinguish between him pretending to be stupid just 37529to get people off their guard, pretending to be stupid because he couldn't 37530be bothered to think and wanted someone else to do it for him, pretending 37531to be so outrageously stupid to hide the fact that he actually didn't 37532understand what was going on, and really being genuinely stupid. He was 37533renowned for being quite clever and quite clearly was so -- but not all the 37534time, which obviously worried him, hence the act. He preferred people to be 37535puzzled rather than contemptuous. This above all appeared to Trillian to be 37536genuinely stupid, but she could no longer be bothered to argue about. 37537 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 37538% 37539One of the most overlooked advantages to computers is... If they do 37540foul up, there's no law against whacking them around a little. 37541 -- Joe Martin 37542% 37543One of the most striking differences between a 37544cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives. 37545 -- Mark Twain 37546% 37547One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God 37548create goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "________somebody has to buy 37549retail." 37550 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 37551% 37552One of the pleasures of reading old letters is the knowledge that they 37553need no answer. 37554 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron 37555% 37556One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your 37557seat to another passenger. This may seem callous, but it is the best 37558way, really. If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who 37559fainted in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become 37560disoriented and imagine they were in Topeka, Kansas. 37561% 37562One of the signs of Napoleon's greatness is the fact that he 37563once had a publisher shot. 37564 -- Siegfried Unseld 37565% 37566One of the worst of my many faults is that I'm too critical of myself. 37567% 37568One of your most ancient writers, a historian named Herodotus, tells of a 37569thief who was to be executed. As he was taken away he made a bargain with 37570the king: in one year he would teach the king's favorite horse to sing 37571hymns. The other prisoners watched the thief singing to the horse and 37572laughed. "You will not succeed," they told him. "No one can." 37573 To which the thief replied, "I have a year, and who knows what might 37574happen in that time. The king might die. The horse might die. I might die. 37575And perhaps the horse will learn to sing. 37576 -- "The Mote in God's Eye", Niven and Pournelle 37577% 37578One organism, one vote. 37579% 37580One person's error is another person's data. 37581% 37582One picture is worth 128K words. 37583% 37584One picture is worth more than ten thousand words. 37585 -- Chinese proverb 37586% 37587One pill makes you larger And if you go chasing rabbits 37588And, one pill makes you small. And you know you're going to fall. 37589And the ones that mother gives you, Tell 'em a hookah smoking caterpillar 37590Don't do anything at all. Has given you the call. 37591Go ask Alice Call Alice 37592When she's ten feet tall. When she was just small. 37593 37594When men on the chessboard When logic and proportion 37595Get up and tell you where to go. Have fallen sloppy dead, 37596And you've just had some kind of And the White Knight is talking 37597 mushroom backwards 37598And your mind is moving low. And the Red Queen's lost her head 37599Go ask Alice Remember what the dormouse said: 37600I think she'll know. Feed your head. 37601 Feed your head. 37602 Feed your head. 37603 -- Jefferson Airplane, "White Rabbit" 37604% 37605One planet is all you get. 37606% 37607One possible reason that things aren't going according to plan 37608is that there never was a plan in the first place. 37609% 37610One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could 37611manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that 37612they be installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips. Let's 37613say your congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding 37614study on how the French government handles diseases transmitted by 37615sherbet. Just when he got to the plane, his mandatory air bag, 37616strapped around his waist, would inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus 37617rendering him too large to fit through the plane door. It could also 37618be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman proposed a law. ("Mr. 37619Speaker, people ask me, why should October be designated as Cuticle 37620Inspection Month? And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.") This would save 37621millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public would violently 37622support a law requiring airbags on congressmen. The problem is that 37623your potential market is very small: there are only around 500 members 37624of Congress, and some of them, such as House Speaker "Tip" O'Neil, are 37625already too large to fit on normal aircraft. 37626 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants" 37627% 37628One reason why George Washington 37629Is held in such veneration: 37630He never blamed his problems 37631On the former Administration. 37632 -- George O. Ludcke 37633% 37634One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not there 37635should be a Coastal Commission, I took a helicopter ride from Los Angeles 37636to San Diego. We passed several state beaches, some crowded and some 37637virtually empty. They had the same facilities, and in some cases the crowded 37638and the empty beach were within a quarter mile of each other. Obviously 37639many beach-goers prefer to be crowded together. Buying more beaches that 37640people won't go to because they prefer to be crowded together on one beach 37641is a ridiculous waste of our natural resources and our taxes. 37642 -- Ronald Reagan 37643% 37644One seldom sees a monument to a committee. 37645% 37646One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry. 37647 -- Oscar Wilde 37648% 37649ONE SIZE FITS ALL: 37650 Doesn't fit anyone. 37651% 37652One small step for man, one giant stumble for mankind. 37653% 37654One thing about the past. 37655It's likely to last. 37656 -- Ogden Nash 37657% 37658ONE THING KIDS LIKE is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take 37659my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to a burned-out 37660warehouse. "Oh, oh," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and 37661cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. 37662 37663I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty 37664late. 37665 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 37666% 37667One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh 37668paint. 37669% 37670One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that 37671sometimes you must work under adverse conditions ... like a state of 37672sheer terror. 37673 -- W. K. Hartmann 37674% 37675One thought driven home is better than three left on base. 37676% 37677One time the police stopped me for speeding. They said, "Don't you know the 37678speed limit is fifty-five miles an hour?" I said, "Yeah, I know, but I wasn't 37679going to be out that long." 37680 -- Steven Wright 37681% 37682One toke over the line, sweet Mary, 37683One toke over the line, 37684Sittin' downtown in a railway station, 37685One toke over the line. 37686Waitin' for the train that goes home, 37687Hopin' that the train is on time, 37688Sittin' downtown in a railway station, 37689One toke over the line. 37690% 37691One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a 37692new model. 37693% 37694One way to stop a run away horse is to bet on him. 37695% 37696One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned at 37697the stake while the votes were being counted. 37698 -- Thomas B. Reed 37699% 37700One would like to stroke and caress human beings, but one dares not do so, 37701because they bite. 37702 -- Vladimir Lenin 37703% 37704One-Shot Case Study, n.: 37705 The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which 37706 it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes green. 37707% 37708On-line, adj.: 37709 The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a 37710 computer. 37711% 37712Only a fool has no doubts. 37713% 37714Only a mediocre person is always at his best. 37715 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter 37716% 37717Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps. 37718% 37719Only fools are quoted. 37720 -- Anonymous 37721% 37722Only God can make random selections. 37723% 37724Only great masters of style can succeed in being obtuse. 37725 -- Oscar Wilde 37726 37727Most UNIX programmers are great masters of style. 37728 -- The Unnamed Usenetter 37729% 37730Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four 37731essential food groups -- alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat. 37732 -- Alex Levine 37733 37734[Oh come on, everybody knows that the four basic food groups are 37735hot sugar, cold sugar, carbohydrates and grease. Ed.] 37736% 37737Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right 37738to use the editorial "we". 37739% 37740Only someone with nothing to be sorry for 37741smiles back at the rear of an elephant. 37742% 37743Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying. 37744 -- Baba Ram Dass 37745% 37746Only the fittest survive. The vanquished acknowledge their unworthiness by 37747placing a classified ad with the ritual phrase "must sell -- best offer," 37748and thereafter dwell in infamy, relegated to discussing gas mileage and lawn 37749food. But if successful, you join the elite sodality that spends hours 37750unpurifying the dialect of the tribe with arcane talk of bits and bytes, RAMS 37751and ROMS, hard disks and baud rates. Are you obnoxious, obsessed? It's a 37752modest price to pay. For you have tapped into the same awesome primal power 37753that produces credit-card billing errors and lost plane reservations. Hail, 37754postindustrial warrior, subduer of Bounceoids, pride of the cosmos, keeper of 37755the silicone creed: Computo, ergo sum. The force is with you -- at 110 volts. 37756May your RAMS be fruitful and multiply. 37757 -- Curt Suplee, "Smithsonian", 4/83 37758% 37759Only the hypocrite is really rotten to the core. 37760 -- Hannah Arendt 37761% 37762Only those who leisurely approach that which the masses are 37763busy about can be busy about that which the masses take leisurely. 37764 -- Lao Tsu 37765% 37766Only through hard work and perseverance can one truly suffer. 37767% 37768Only two groups of people fall for flattery -- men and women. 37769% 37770Only two kinds of witnesses exist. The first live in a neighborhood where 37771a crime has been committed and in no circumstances have ever seen anything 37772or even heard a shot. The second category are the neighbors of anyone who 37773happens to be accused of the crime. These have always looked out of their 37774windows when the shot was fired, and have noticed the accused person standing 37775peacefully on his balcony a few yards away. 37776 -- Sicilian police officer 37777% 37778Only two of my personalities are schizophrenic, but one 37779of them is paranoid and the other one is out to get him. 37780% 37781Only way to open lips of pigeon, sledgehammer. 37782% 37783Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny. 37784% 37785Onward through the fog. 37786% 37787Operator, please trace this call and tell me where I am. 37788% 37789Opiates are the religion of the upper-middle classes. 37790 -- Debbie VanDam 37791% 37792Opium is very cheap considering you don't 37793feel like eating for the next six days. 37794 -- Taylor Mead, famous transvestite 37795% 37796Oppernockity tunes but once. 37797% 37798Opportunities are usually disguised as hard 37799work, so most people don't recognize them. 37800% 37801Oprah Winfrey has an incredible talent for getting the weirdest people to 37802talk to. And you just HAVE to watch it. "Blind, masochistic minority, 37803crippled, depressed, government latrine diggers, and the women who love 37804them too much on the next Oprah Winfrey." 37805% 37806Optimism is the content of small men in high places. 37807 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Crack Up" 37808% 37809Optimism, n.: 37810The belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, good, bad, 37811and everything right that is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by 37812those accustomed to falling into adversity, and most acceptably expounded 37813with the grin that apes a smile. Being a blind faith, it is inaccessible 37814to the light of disproof -- an intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment 37815but death. It is hereditary, but not contagious. 37816% 37817Optimist, n.: 37818 A bagpiper with a beeper. 37819% 37820Optimist, n.: 37821 A proponent of the belief that black is white. 37822 37823 A pessimist asked God for relief. 37824 "Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness," said God. 37825 "No," replied the petitioner, "I wish you to create something that 37826would justify them." 37827 "The world is all created," said God, "but you have overlooked 37828something -- the mortality of the optimist." 37829 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 37830% 37831Optimist, n.: 37832 Someone who goes down to the marriage 37833 bureau to see if his license has expired. 37834% 37835Optimization hinders evolution. 37836% 37837Oral sex is like being attacked by a giant snail. 37838 -- Germaine Greer 37839% 37840Orcs really aren't so bad (if you use lots of catsup). 37841% 37842Order and simplification are the first steps toward 37843mastery of a subject -- the actual enemy is the unknown. 37844 -- Thomas Mann 37845% 37846Oregano, n.: 37847 The ancient Italian art of pizza folding. 37848% 37849Oregon, n.: 37850 Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday 37851night. 37852% 37853O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen: 37854Cleanliness is next to impossible 37855% 37856Oreo 37857% 37858Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. 37859Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl. 37860 -- Mike Adams 37861% 37862Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born 37863to people you could not have possibly met. 37864 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 37865% 37866Osborn's Law: 37867 Variables won't; constants aren't. 37868% 37869Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play? 37870% 37871Other women cloy 37872The appetites they feed, but she makes hungry 37873Where most she satisfies. 37874 -- Antony and Cleopatra 37875% 37876Others can stop you temporarily, only you can do it permanently. 37877% 37878Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails. 37879% 37880O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law: 37881 Murphy was an optimist. 37882% 37883Ouch! That felt good! 37884 -- Karen Gordon 37885% 37886"Our attitude with TCP/IP is, `Hey, we'll do it, but don't make a big 37887system, because we can't fix it if it breaks -- nobody can.'" 37888 37889"TCP/IP is OK if you've got a little informal club, and it doesn't make 37890any difference if it takes a while to fix it." 37891 -- Ken Olsen, in Digital News, 1988 37892% 37893Our business in life is not to succeed 37894but to continue to fail in high spirits. 37895 -- Robert Louis Stevenson 37896% 37897Our congratulations go to a Burlington Vermont civilian employee of the 37898local Army National Guard base. He recently received a substantial cash 37899award from our government for inventing a device for optical scanning. 37900His device reportedly will save the government more than $6 million a year 37901by replacing a more expensive helicopter maintenance tool with his own, 37902home-made, hand-held model. 37903 37904Not surprisingly, we also have a couple of money-saving ideas that we submit 37905to the Pentagon free of charge: 37906 37907 a. Don't kill anybody. 37908 b. Don't build things that do. 37909 c. And don't pay other people to kill anybody. 37910 37911We expect annual savings to be in the billions. 37912 -- Sojourners 37913% 37914Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is 37915they charge fifteen cents for them. 37916% 37917Our documentation manager was showing her two year old son around the 37918office. He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we 37919were both holding bags of popcorn. We were both holding bottles of 37920juice. But only *__he* had a lollipop. 37921 37922He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?" 37923 37924Her reply: 37925 37926 "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to. That's what it 37927 means to be a programmer." 37928% 37929Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in 37930a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave 37931national emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to 37932gobble us up if we did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the 37933exorbitant sums demanded. Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem 37934never to have happened, seem never to have been quite real. 37935 -- General Douglas MacArthur (1957) 37936% 37937Our houseplants have a good sense of humous. 37938% 37939Our informal mission is to improve the love life of operators worldwide. 37940 -- Peter Behrendt, president of Exabyte 37941% 37942Our little systems have their day; 37943They have their day and cease to be; 37944They are but broken lights of thee. 37945 -- Tennyson 37946% 37947Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name. 37948Thy programs run, thy syscalls done, 37949In kernel as it is in user. 37950% 37951Our parents were of Midwestern stock and very strict. They didn't want us 37952to grow up to be spoiled and rich. If we left our tennis racquets in the 37953rain, we were punished. 37954 -- Nancy Ellis (George Bush's sister), in the New Republic 37955% 37956Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing. 37957 -- Roy L. Ash, ex-president, Litton Industries 37958% 37959Our problems are so serious that the best 37960way to talk about them is lightheartedly. 37961% 37962Our sires' age was worse that our grandsires'. 37963We their sons are more worthless than they: 37964so in our turn we shall give the world a progeny yet more corrupt. 37965 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 37966% 37967Our swords shall play the orators for us. 37968 -- Christopher Marlowe 37969% 37970Our universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding, 37971In all of the directions it can whiz; 37972As fast as it can go, that's the speed of light, you know, 37973Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is. 37974So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure, 37975How amazingly unlikely is your birth; 37976And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space, 37977'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth! 37978 -- Monty Python 37979% 37980Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it. 37981 -- Alex Schure 37982% 37983Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants. 37984 -- General Omar N. Bradley 37985% 37986Ours is a world where people don't know what they 37987want and are willing to go through hell to get it. 37988% 37989Out of sight is out of mind. 37990 -- Arthur Clough 37991% 37992Out of the crooked timber of humanity no straight thing can ever be made. 37993 -- Immanuel Kant 37994% 37995Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal. 37996% 37997Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend: and inside a dog, 37998it's too dark to read. 37999 -- Groucho Marx 38000% 38001Over the shoulder supervision is more a 38002need of the manager than the programming task. 38003% 38004Over the years, I've developed my sense of deja vu so acutely that now 38005I can remember things that *have* happened before ... 38006% 38007Overall, the philosophy is to attack the availability problem from two 38008complementary directions: to reduce the number of software errors through 38009rigorous testing of running systems, and to reduce the effect of the remaining 38010errors by providing for recovery from them. An interesting footnote to this 38011design is that now a system failure can usually be considered to be the 38012result of two program errors: the first, in the program that started the 38013problem; the second, in the recovery routine that could not protect the 38014system. 38015 -- A. L. Scherr, "Functional Structure of IBM Virtual 38016 Storage Operating Systems, Part II: OS/VS-2 38017 Concepts and Philosophies," 38018 IBM Systems Journal, Vol. 12, No. 4. 38019% 38020Overconfidence breeds error when we take for granted that the game will 38021continue on its normal course; when we fail to provide for an unusually 38022powerful resource -- a check, a sacrifice, a stalemate. Afterwards the 38023victim may wail, `But who could have dreamt of such an idiotic-looking 38024move?' 38025 -- Fred Reinfeld, "The Complete Chess Course" 38026% 38027Overdrawn? But I still have checks left! 38028% 38029Overflow on /dev/null: please empty the bit bucket. 38030% 38031Overheard: 38032 "How do I feel? Great! And I kiss pretty good, too!" 38033% 38034Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated. 38035% 38036Owe no man any thing... 38037 -- Romans 13:8 38038% 38039Oxygen is a very toxic gas and an extreme fire hazard. It is fatal in 38040concentrations of as little as 0.000001 p.p.m. Humans exposed to the 38041oxygen concentrations die within a few minutes. Symptoms resemble very 38042much those of cyanide poisoning (blue face, etc.). In higher 38043concentrations, e.g. 20%, the toxic effect is somewhat delayed and it 38044takes about 2.5 billion inhalations before death takes place. The reason 38045for the delay is the difference in the mechanism of the toxic effect of 38046oxygen in 20% concentration. It apparently contributes to a complex 38047process called aging, of which very little is known, except that it is 38048always fatal. 38049 38050However, the main disadvantage of the 20% oxygen concentration is in the 38051fact it is habit forming. The first inhalation (occurring at birth) is 38052sufficient to make oxygen addiction permanent. After that, any 38053considerable decrease in the daily oxygen doses results in death with 38054symptoms resembling those of cyanide poisoning. 38055 38056Oxygen is an extreme fire hazard. All of the fires that were reported in 38057the continental U.S. for the period of the past 25 years were found to be 38058due to the presence of this gas in the atmosphere surrounding the buildings 38059in question. 38060 38061Oxygen is especially dangerous because it is odorless, colorless and 38062tasteless, so that its presence can not be readily detected until it is 38063too late. 38064 -- Chemical & Engineering News February 6, 1956 38065% 38066Ozman's Laws: 38067 (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he won't. 38068 (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make. 38069 (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. 38070 (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth. 38071% 38072paak, n: A stadium or inclosed playing field. To put or leave (a 38073 vehicle) for a time in a certain location. 38074patato, n: The starchy, edible tuber of a widely cultivated plant. 38075Septemba, n: The 9th month of the year. 38076shua, n: Having no doubt; certain. 38077sista, n: A female having the same mother and father as the speaker. 38078tamato, n: A fleshy, smooth-skinned reddish fruit eaten in salads 38079 or as a vegetable. 38080troopa, n: A state policeman. 38081Wista, n: A city in central Masschewsetts. 38082yaad, n: A tract of ground adjacent to a building. 38083 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary 38084% 38085PAIN: 38086 Falling out of a twenty story building, 38087 and snagging your eyelid on a nail. 38088% 38089PAIN: 38090 One thing, at least it proves that you're alive! 38091% 38092PAIN: 38093 Sliding down a 50-foot razor blade into a bucket of alcohol. 38094% 38095Pain is just God's way of hurting you. 38096% 38097Painting, n.: 38098 The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and 38099 exposing them to the critic. 38100 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 38101% 38102Pandora's Rule: 38103 Never open a box you didn't close. 38104% 38105panic: can't find / 38106% 38107panic: kernel segmentation violation. core dumped (only kidding) 38108% 38109panic: kernel trap (ignored) 38110% 38111Paprika Measure: 38112 38113 2 dashes == 1 smidgen 38114 2 smidgens == 1 pinch 38115 3 pinches == 1 soupcon 38116 2 soupcons == too much paprika 38117% 38118Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much 38119better. 38120 -- Laurie Anderson 38121% 38122Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them. 38123% 38124Paralysis through analysis. 38125% 38126PARANOIA: 38127 A healthy understanding of the way the universe works. 38128% 38129Paranoia doesn't mean the whole world isn't out to get you. 38130% 38131Paranoia is heightened awareness. 38132% 38133Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life. 38134% 38135Paranoid Club meeting this Friday. 38136Now ... just try to find out where! 38137% 38138Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one. 38139% 38140Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to 38141criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too. 38142 -- D. J. Hicks 38143% 38144Pardon me while I laugh. 38145% 38146Pardon this fortune. Database under reconstruction. 38147% 38148Pardo's First Postulate: 38149 Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or 38150fattening. 38151 38152Arnold's Addendum: 38153 Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats. 38154% 38155Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they 38156didn't have much of anything to do with it. 38157% 38158Parker's Law: 38159 Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone. 38160% 38161Parkinson's Fifth Law: 38162 If there is a way to delay an important decision, the good 38163 bureaucracy, public or private, will find it. 38164% 38165Parkinson's Fourth Law: 38166 The number of people in any working group tends to increase 38167 regardless of the amount of work to be done. 38168% 38169Parsley is gharsley. 38170 -- Ogden Nash 38171% 38172Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be. 38173% 38174PARTY: 38175 A gathering where you meet people who drink 38176 so much you can't even remember their names. 38177% 38178Pascal is a language for children wanting to be naughty. 38179 -- Dr. Kasi Ananthanarayanan 38180% 38181Pascal is not a high-level language. 38182 -- Steven Feiner 38183% 38184Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat. 38185 -- M. Devine and P. Larson, Computer Science 340 38186% 38187Pascal, n.: 38188 A programming language named after a man who would turn over 38189 in his grave if he knew about it. 38190 -- Datamation, January 15, 1984 38191% 38192Pascal Users: 38193 The Pascal system will be replaced next Tuesday by Cobol. 38194 Please modify your programs accordingly. 38195% 38196Pascal Users: 38197 To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the 38198 death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed. 38199% 38200Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life. 38201 -- Eric Hoffer 38202% 38203Password: 38204% 38205Passwords are implemented as a result of insecurity. 38206% 38207Paster Crosstalk: What items are specifically mentioned by GOD as being 38208 unclean? Now did you know... preying birds... praying mantises... 38209 All birds of prey, all carrion eaters, fish eaters -- no good, can't 38210 eat those. Nothing that does not have both fins and scales. Most 38211 CREEPING things... 38212Alvarado: How 'bout caterpillars? 38213P: A caterpillar doesn't have a backbone. Nothing without a backbone 38214 can get in. 38215A: How do you know? You char a caterpillar, it gets real stiff! 38216P: Well, I don't think that the Lord meant us to eat CHARRED 38217 CATERPILLARS! 38218[...] 38219P: The hog, the squirrel... little squirrels. Who would want to eat 38220 a LITTLE SQUIRREL? 38221A: If you're starving. If you're starving in the park one day. 38222P: You'd probably just CHAR 'em to get 'em stiff, wouldn't ya? 38223A: No, you SINGE 'em. You SINGE 'em and eat 'em. *I* read about the 38224 Donner Pass, I know what man does when he's hungry. 38225P: Squirrels eating squirrels -- my GOD, that's sick! 38226A: That's sick, SURE. But a MAN eating a squirrel -- that's (heh, heh) 38227 par for the course, Charlie. 38228 -- The Firesign Theatre 38229% 38230Patageometry, n.: 38231 The study of those mathematical properties that are invariant 38232under brain transplants. 38233% 38234Patch griefs with proverbs. 38235 -- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing" 38236% 38237Patent, v.: 38238 A method of publicizing inventions so others can copy them. 38239% 38240"Pathetic," he said. "That's what it is. Pathetic." 38241(crosses stream) 38242"As I thought," he said, "no better from *this* side." 38243 -- Eeyore 38244% 38245Patience is a minor form of despair, disguised as virtue. 38246 -- Ambrose Bierce, on qualifiers 38247% 38248Patience is long forgotten by convenience in this life. 38249 -- Carmen Caicedo Giraudy 38250% 38251Patience is the best remedy for every trouble. 38252 -- Titus Maccius Plautus 38253% 38254Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel. 38255 -- S. Johnson, "The Life of Samuel Johnson" by J. Boswell 38256 38257In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last 38258resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but 38259inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first. 38260 -- Ambrose Bierce 38261 38262When Dr. Johnson defined patriotism as the last refuge of a scoundrel, 38263he ignored the enormous possibilities of the word reform. 38264 -- Sen. Roscoe Conkling 38265 38266Public office is the last refuge of a scoundrel. 38267 -- Boies Penrose 38268% 38269Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious. 38270 -- Oscar Wilde 38271% 38272Pauca sed matura. (Few but excellent.) 38273 -- Gauss 38274% 38275Paul Revere was a tattle-tale. 38276% 38277Paul's Law: 38278 In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you 38279 save. 38280% 38281Paul's Law: 38282 You can't fall off the floor. 38283% 38284Pause for storage relocation. 38285% 38286Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain. 38287 -- Frank Morgan as The Wizard, "The Wizard of Oz" 38288% 38289Paycheck, n.: 38290 The weekly $5.27 that remains after deductions for federal 38291 withholding, state withholding, city withholding, FICA, 38292 medical/dental, long-term disability, unemployment insurance, 38293 Christmas Club, and payroll savings plan contributions. 38294% 38295Payeen to a Twang 38296Derrida 38297Ore-Ida 38298potato. 38299 38300If you dared, 38301I'd ask you 38302to go dig 38303up your ides under brown- 38304tubered skies. 38305 38306where pitchforked 38307you will ask 38308Derrida? 38309% 38310Peace be to this house, and all that dwell in it. 38311% 38312Peace cannot be kept by force; it 38313can only be achieved by understanding. 38314 -- Albert Einstein 38315% 38316Peace is much more precious than a piece 38317of land... let there be no more wars. 38318 -- Mohammed Anwar Sadat (1918-1981) 38319% 38320Peace, n.: 38321 In international affairs, a period of cheating between two 38322 periods of fighting. 38323 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 38324% 38325Peanut Blossoms 38326 383274 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk 383284 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla 383294 cups shortening 14 cups flour 383308 eggs 4 tsp. soda 383314 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt 38332 38333Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased cookie 38334sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top each cookie with a 38335Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly to crack cookie. Makes a 38336hell of a lot. 38337% 38338Pecor's Health-Food Principle: 38339 Never eat rutabaga on any day of the week that has a "y" in it. 38340% 38341Pedaeration, n.: 38342 The perfect body heat achieved by having one leg under the 38343 sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed. 38344 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 38345% 38346Pediddel, n.: 38347 A car with only one working headlight. 38348 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 38349% 38350Pedro Guerrero was playing third base for the Los Angeles Dodgers in 1984 38351when he made the comment that earns him a place in my Hall of Fame. Second 38352baseman Steve Sax was having trouble making his throws. Other players were 38353diving, screaming, signaling for a fair catch. At the same time, Guerrero, 38354at third, was making a few plays that weren't exactly soothing to manager 38355Tom Lasorda's stomach. Lasorda decided it was time for one of his famous 38356motivational meetings and zeroed in on Guerrero: "How can you play third 38357base like that? You've gotta be thinking about something besides baseball. 38358What is it?" 38359 "I'm only thinking about two things," Guerrero said. "First, `I 38360hope they don't hit the ball to me.'" The players snickered, and even 38361Lasorda had to fight off a laugh. "Second, `I hope they don't hit the ball 38362to Sax.'" 38363 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game" 38364% 38365Peeping Tom: 38366 A window fan. 38367% 38368Peers's Law: 38369The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem. 38370% 38371Pelorat sighed. 38372 "I will never understand people." 38373 "There's nothing to it. All you have to do is take a close look 38374at yourself and you will understand everyone else. How would Seldon have 38375worked out his Plan -- and I don't care how subtle his mathematics was -- 38376if he didn't understand people; and how could he have done that if people 38377weren't easy to understand? You show me someone who can't understand 38378people and I'll show you someone who has built up a false image of himself 38379-- no offense intended." 38380 -- Isaac Asimov, "Foundation's Edge" 38381% 38382Penguin Trivia #46: 38383 Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were. 38384 -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82 38385% 38386PENGUINICITY!! 38387% 38388Pension, n.: 38389 A federally insured chain letter. 38390% 38391People (a group that in my opinion has always attracted an undue amount of 38392attention) have often been likened to snowflakes. This analogy is meant to 38393suggest that each is unique -- no two alike. This is quite patently not the 38394case. People ... are simply a dime a dozen. And, I hasten to add, their 38395only similarity to snowflakes resides in their invariable and lamentable 38396tendency to turn, after a few warm days, to slush. 38397 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 38398% 38399People are beginning to notice you. 38400Try dressing before you leave the house. 38401% 38402People are like onions -- you cut them up, and they make you cry. 38403% 38404People are unconditionally guaranteed to be full of defects. 38405% 38406People don't usually make the same mistake twice -- they make it three 38407times, four time, five times... 38408% 38409People in general do not willingly read 38410if they have anything else to amuse them. 38411 -- S. Johnson 38412% 38413People love high ideals, but they got to be about 33-percent plausible. 38414 -- The Best of Will Rogers 38415% 38416People need good lies. There are too many bad ones. 38417 -- Bokonon, "Cat's Cradle" by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. 38418% 38419People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war, or before an 38420election. 38421 -- Otto von Bismarck 38422% 38423People of privilege will always risk their complete destruction 38424rather than surrender any material part of their advantage. 38425 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 38426% 38427People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of 38428the future. 38429% 38430People respond to people who respond. 38431% 38432People say I live in my own little fantasy world... well, at least they 38433*know* me there! 38434 -- D. L. Roth 38435% 38436People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people 38437have been left out on the pleasure. 38438 -- Russell Baker 38439% 38440People seem to think that the blanket phrase, "I only work here," 38441absolves them utterly from any moral obligation in terms of the 38442public -- but this was precisely Eichmann's excuse for his job in 38443the concentration camps. 38444% 38445People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves. 38446% 38447People that can't find something to live for always seem to find something 38448to die for. The problem is, they usually want the rest of us to die for 38449it too. 38450% 38451People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense. 38452 -- Ken Kesey 38453% 38454People usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's been mailed. 38455% 38456People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get much better 38457press than people who are just funny and smart. 38458 -- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post" 38459% 38460People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never 38461slept in a room with a single mosquito. 38462% 38463People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes. 38464 -- Abigail Van Buren 38465% 38466People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. 38467% 38468People who have no faults are terrible; 38469there is no way of taking advantage of them. 38470% 38471People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who 38472haven't what they want that they don't want it. 38473 -- Ogden Nash 38474% 38475People who make no mistakes do not usually make anything. 38476% 38477People who push both buttons should get their wish. 38478% 38479People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle. 38480% 38481People who take cold baths never have rheumatism, but they have 38482cold baths. 38483% 38484People who think they know everything 38485greatly annoy those of us who do. 38486% 38487People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that 38488Benjamin Franklin said it first. 38489% 38490People will buy anything that's one to a customer. 38491% 38492People will do tomorrow what they did today because that is what they 38493did yesterday. 38494% 38495People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues. 38496% 38497People's Action Rules: 38498 (1) Some people who can, shouldn't. 38499 (2) Some people who should, won't. 38500 (3) Some people who shouldn't, will. 38501 (4) Some people who can't, will try, regardless. 38502 (5) Some people who shouldn't, but try, will then blame others. 38503% 38504Per buck you get more computing action with the small computer. 38505 -- R. W. Hamming 38506% 38507Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt. 38508[Confound those who have said our remarks before us.] 38509or 38510[May they perish who have expressed our bright ideas before us.] 38511 -- Aelius Donatus 38512% 38513Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things. 38514% 38515Perfect guest, n.: 38516 One who makes his host feel at home. 38517% 38518Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but 38519when there is no longer anything to take away. 38520 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery 38521% 38522Performance: 38523 A statement of the speed at which a computer system works. Or 38524 rather, might work under certain circumstances. Or was rumored 38525 to be working over in Jersey about a month ago. 38526% 38527Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered. 38528I myself would say that it had merely been detected. 38529 -- Oscar Wilde 38530% 38531Perhaps no person can be a poet, or even enjoy 38532poetry without a certain unsoundness of mind. 38533 -- Thomas Macaulay 38534% 38535Perhaps the biggest disappointments were the ones you expected anyway. 38536% 38537Perhaps the most widespread illusion is that if we were in power we would 38538behave very differently from those who now hold it -- when, in truth, in 38539order to get power we would have to become very much like them. (Lenin's 38540fatal mistake, both in theory and in practice.) 38541% 38542Perhaps the world's second-worst crime is boredom. The first is 38543being a bore. 38544 -- Cecil Beaton 38545% 38546Perilous to all of us are the devices of 38547an art deeper than we ourselves possess. 38548 -- Gandalf the Grey 38549% 38550Periphrasis is the putting of things in a round-about way. "The cost may be 38551upwards of a figure rather below 10m#." is a periphrasis for The cost may be 38552nearly 10m#. "In Paris there reigns a complete absence of really reliable 38553news" is a periphrasis for There is no reliable news in Paris. "Rarely does 38554the `Little Summer' linger until November, but at times its stay has been 38555prolonged until quite late in the year's penultimate month" contains a 38556periphrasis for November, and another for lingers. "The answer is in the 38557negative" is a periphrasis for No. "Was made the recipient of" is a 38558periphrasis for Was presented with. The periphrasis style is hardly possible 38559on any considerable scale without much use of abstract nouns such as "basis, 38560case, character, connexion, dearth, description, duration, framework, lack, 38561nature, reference, regard, respect". The existence of abstract nouns is a 38562proof that abstract thought has occurred; abstract thought is a mark of 38563civilized man; and so it has come about that periphrasis and civilization are 38564by many held to be inseparable. These good people feel that there is an almost 38565indecent nakedness, a reversion to barbarism, in saying No news is good news 38566instead of "The absence of intelligence is an indication of satisfactory 38567developments." 38568 -- Fowler's English Usage 38569% 38570Persistence in one opinion has never been considered 38571a merit in political leaders. 38572 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares", 1st century BC 38573% 38574Personifiers of the world, unite! 38575You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity! 38576 -- Bernadette Bosky 38577% 38578Personifiers Unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity! 38579% 38580Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; 38581persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting 38582to find a plot in it will be shot. By Order of the Author 38583 -- Mark Twain, "Tom Sawyer" 38584% 38585Pessimist, n.: 38586 A man who spends all his time worrying about how he can keep the 38587 wolf from the door. 38588 38589Optimist, n.: 38590 A man who refuses to see the wolf until he seizes the seat of 38591 his pants. 38592 38593Opportunist, n.: 38594 A man who invites the wolf in and appears the next day in a fur coat. 38595% 38596Pete: Waiter, this meat is bad. 38597Waiter: Who told you? 38598Pete: A little swallow. 38599% 38600Peter Fellgett's wildcard recipe: 38601 Into a clean dish, place the dry ingredients and add the 38602 liquids until the right consistency is obtained. Turn out 38603 into suitable containers and cook until done. 38604% 38605Peter Wemm Murphy Field, n.: 38606 A field of abnormally frequent and severe Murphy's Law events 38607emanating from Mr. Peter Wemm. The field was first discovered and 38608identified in Denmark during the initial FreeBSD SMP development. 38609Mr. Wemm was residing in Australia at the time. 38610% 38611Peter's hungry, time to eat lunch. 38612% 38613Peter's Law of Substitution: 38614 Look after the molehills, and the 38615 mountains will look after themselves. 38616 38617Peter's Principle of Success: 38618 Get up one time more than you're knocked down. 38619 38620Peter's Principle: 38621 In every hierarchy, each employee tends to rise to the level of 38622 his incompetence. 38623% 38624Peterson's Admonition: 38625 When you think you're going down for the third time -- 38626 just remember that you may have counted wrong. 38627% 38628Peterson's Rules: 38629 (1) Trucks that overturn on freeways 38630 are filled with something sticky. 38631 (2) No cute baby in a carriage is ever a girl when called one. 38632 (3) Things that tick are not always clocks. 38633 (4) Suicide only works when you're bluffing. 38634% 38635Petribar, n.: 38636 Any sun-bleached prehistoric candy that has been sitting in 38637 the window of a vending machine too long. 38638 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 38639% 38640Phasers locked on target, Captain. 38641% 38642Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to 38643exciting Camden, New Jersey. 38644% 38645Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny. 38646% 38647Philosophy, n.: 38648 The ability to bear with calmness the misfortunes of our friends. 38649% 38650Philosophy, n.: 38651 Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems. 38652% 38653Philosophy will clip an angel's wings. 38654 -- John Keats 38655% 38656Phone call for chucky-pooh. 38657% 38658Phosflink, v.: 38659 To flick a bulb on and off when it burns out (as if, somehow, 38660 that will bring it back to life). 38661 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 38662% 38663Photographing a volcano is just about 38664the most miserable thing you can do. 38665 -- Robert B. Goodman 38666 [Who has clearly never tried to use a PDP-10. Ed.] 38667% 38668Physically there is nothing to distinguish human society from the 38669farm-yard except that children are more troublesome and costly than 38670chickens and women are not so completely enslaved as farm stock. 38671 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Getting Married" 38672% 38673Pick another fortune cookie. 38674% 38675Picking up the pieces of my sweet shattered dream, 38676I wonder how the old folks are tonight, 38677Her name was Ann, and I'll be damned if I recall her face, 38678She left me not knowing what to do. 38679 38680Carefree Highway, let me slip away on you, 38681Carefree Highway, you seen better days, 38682The morning after blues, from my head down to my shoes, 38683Carefree Highway, let me slip away, slip away, on you... 38684 38685Turning back the pages to the times I love best, 38686I wonder if she'll ever do the same, 38687Now the thing that I call livin' is just bein' satisfied, 38688With knowing I got noone left to blame. 38689Carefree Highway, I got to see you, my old flame... 38690 38691Searching through the fragments of my dream shattered sleep, 38692I wonder if the years have closed her mind, 38693I guess it must be wanderlust or tryin' to get free, 38694From the good old faithful feelin' we once knew. 38695 -- Gordon Lightfoot, "Carefree Highway" 38696% 38697Pickle's Law: 38698 If Congress must do a painful thing, 38699 the thing must be done in an odd-number year. 38700% 38701Picture the sun as the origin of two intersecting 6-dimensional 38702hyperplanes from which we can deduce a certain transformational 38703sequence which gives us the terminal velocity of a rubber duck ... 38704% 38705Piddle, twiddle, and resolve, 38706Not one damn thing do we solve. 38707 -- 1776 38708% 38709Pie are not square. Pie are round. Cornbread are square. 38710% 38711Piece of cake! 38712 -- G. S. Koblas 38713% 38714Pig, n.: 38715 An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race 38716 by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, 38717 is inferior in scope, for it balks at pig. 38718 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 38719% 38720Pilfering Treasure property is particularly dangerous: big thieves are 38721ruthless in punishing little thieves. 38722 -- Diogenes 38723% 38724Pilots should avoid using illegal drugs. 38725 -- AOPA's Pilot's Handbook, 1988 38726% 38727Piping down the valleys wild, 38728Piping songs of pleasant glee, 38729On a cloud I saw a child, 38730And he laughing said to me: 38731"Pipe a song about a Lamb!" 38732So I piped with merry cheer. 38733"Piper, pipe that song again;" 38734So I piped: he wept to hear. 38735 -- William Blake, "Songs of Innocence" 38736% 38737Pipo was born with few complications, but then the doctor accidentally dropped 38738the infant on her head provoking her drunken father to drag the physician 38739outside where he would beat him to death with a live ocelot. 38740 -- Love and Rockets 38741% 38742PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20) 38743 You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being 38744followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your 38745associates and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack 38746confidence and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible 38747things to small animals. 38748% 38749PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20) 38750 Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the 38751American Express card and a weapon. The world is yours today, as 38752nobody else wants it. Your mortgage will be foreclosed. You will 38753probably get run over by a bus. 38754% 38755PISCES (Feb.19 - Mar.20) 38756 You will get some very interesting news of a promotion today. 38757 It will go to someone in the office you dislike and will be the 38758 job you wanted. Don't lend anyone a car today. You don't have 38759 a car. 38760% 38761Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. 38762 -- Don Marquis 38763% 38764Pixel, n.: 38765 A mischievous, magical spirit associated with screen displays. 38766 The computer industry has frequently borrowed from mythology: 38767 Witness the sprites in computer graphics, the demons in artificial 38768 intelligence, and the trolls in the marketing department. 38769% 38770P-K4 38771% 38772Plaese porrf raed. 38773 -- Prof. Michael O'Longhlin, S.U.N.Y. Purchase 38774% 38775Plagiarize, plagiarize, 38776Let no man's work evade your eyes, 38777Remember why the good Lord made your eyes, 38778Don't shade your eyes, 38779But plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize. 38780Only be sure to call it research. 38781 -- Tom Lehrer 38782% 38783Planet Claire has pink hair. 38784All the trees are red. 38785No one ever dies there. 38786No one has a head.... 38787% 38788Plastic... Aluminum... These are the inheritors of the Universe! 38789Flesh and Blood have had their day... and that day is past! 38790 -- Green Lantern Comics 38791% 38792Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia 38793because they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers 38794couldn't compete successfully with poets. 38795 -- Kilgore Trout (Philip J. Farmer) "Venus on the Half 38796 Shell" 38797% 38798PLATONIC FRIENDSHIP: 38799 What develops when two people get 38800 tired of making love to each other. 38801% 38802Play Rogue, visit exotic locations, meet strange creatures and kill 38803them. 38804% 38805Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic 38806table. 38807 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake" 38808% 38809Please don't put a strain on our friendship 38810by asking me to do something for you. 38811% 38812Please don't recommend me to your friends-- 38813it's difficult enough to cope with you alone. 38814% 38815PLEASE DON'T SMOKE HERE! 38816 38817Penalty: An early, lingering death from cancer, 38818 emphysema, or other smoking-caused ailment. 38819% 38820Please forgive me if, in the heat of battle, 38821I sometimes forget which side I'm on. 38822% 38823Please go away. 38824% 38825Please help keep the world clean: others may wish to use it. 38826% 38827Please ignore previous fortune. 38828% 38829Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment. 38830% 38831Please, Mother! I'd rather do it myself! 38832% 38833Please remain calm, it's no use both of 38834us being hysterical at the same time. 38835% 38836Please stand for the National Anthem: 38837 38838 Australian's all, let us rejoice, 38839 For we are young and free. 38840 We've golden soil and wealth for toil 38841 Our home is girt by sea. 38842 Our land abounds in nature's gifts 38843 Of beauty rich and rare. 38844 In history's page, let every stage 38845 Advance Australia Fair. 38846 In joyful strains then let us sing, 38847 Advance Australia Fair. 38848 38849Thank you. You may resume your seat. 38850% 38851Please stand for the National Anthem: 38852 38853 God save our Gracious Queen! 38854 Long live our Noble Queen! 38855 God save the Queen! 38856 Send her victorious, 38857 Happy and glorious, 38858 Long to reign o'er us! 38859 God save the Queen! 38860 38861Thank you. You may resume your seat. 38862% 38863Please stand for the National Anthem: 38864 38865 O Canada 38866 Our home and native land 38867 True patriot love 38868 In all thy sons' command 38869 With glowing hearts we see thee rise 38870 The true north strong and free 38871 From far and wide, O Canada 38872 We stand on guard for thee 38873 God keep our land glorious and free 38874 O Canada we stand on guard for thee 38875 O Canada we stand on guard for thee 38876 38877Thank you. You may resume your seat. 38878% 38879Please stand for the National Anthem: 38880 38881 Oh, say can you see by dawn's early light 38882 What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming? 38883 Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight 38884 O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming? 38885 And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air, 38886 Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there. 38887 Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave 38888 O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave? 38889 38890Thank you. You may resume your seat. 38891% 38892Please take note: 38893% 38894Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas" 38895until you are told that those rooms are "punched out". Once punched 38896out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, 38897and such. 38898 -- N. Meyrowitz 38899% 38900Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means? 38901% 38902PL/I -- "the fatal disease" -- belongs more to the problem set than to the 38903solution set. 38904 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 38905% 38906Plots are like girdles. Hidden, they hold your interest; revealed, they're 38907of no interest except to fetishists. Like girdles, they attempt to contain 38908an uncontainable experience. 38909 -- R. S. Knapp 38910% 38911PLUG IT IN!!! 38912% 38913PLUNDERER'S THEME 38914(to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius) 38915 38916Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation. 38917If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation. 38918Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations. 38919Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation. 38920% 38921Plus ca change, plus c'est le meme chose. 38922% 38923Pohl's law: 38924 Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it. 38925% 38926Poisoned coffee, n.: 38927 Grounds for divorce. 38928% 38929Poland has gun control. 38930% 38931Police: Good evening, are you the host? 38932Host: No. 38933Police: We've been getting complaints about this party. 38934Host: About the drugs? 38935Police: No. 38936Host: About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns? 38937Police: No, the noise. 38938Host: Oh, the noise. Well that makes sense because there are no guns 38939 or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the 38940 background.) Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise? 38941 The neighbors? 38942Police: No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent 38943 complaints have come from Pittsburgh. Do you think you could 38944 ask the host to quiet things down? 38945Host: No Problem. (At this point, a Volkswagen bug with primitive 38946 religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living 38947 room and roars down the hall, past the police and onto the 38948 lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out 38949 onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are starting to wind 38950 down. 38951% 38952Political history is far too criminal a subject to be a fit thing to 38953teach children. 38954 -- W. H. Auden 38955% 38956Political speeches are like steer horns. A point 38957here, a point there, and a lot of bull in between. 38958 -- Alfred E. Neuman 38959% 38960Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell 38961all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds. 38962% 38963Politician, n.: 38964 An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of 38965organized society is reared. When he wriggles, he mistakes the 38966agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. As compared 38967with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being alive. 38968 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 38969% 38970Politician, n.: 38971 From the Greek "poly" ("many") and the French "tete" ("head" or 38972"face," as in "tete-a-tete": head to head or face to face). Hence 38973"polytetien", a person of two or more faces. 38974 -- Martin Pitt 38975% 38976Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even 38977where there is no river. 38978 -- Nikita Khrushchev 38979% 38980Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories. 38981 -- Arthur C. Clarke 38982% 38983Politicians speak for their parties, and parties never are, never have 38984been, and never will be wrong. 38985 -- Walter Dwight 38986% 38987Politics -- the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign 38988funds from the rich by promising to protect each from the other. 38989 -- Oscar Ameringer 38990% 38991Politics and the fate of mankind are formed by men without ideals and 38992without greatness. Those who have greatness within them do not go in 38993for politics. 38994 -- Albert Camus 38995% 38996Politics are almost as exciting as war, and quite as 38997dangerous. In war, you can only be killed once. 38998 -- Winston Churchill 38999% 39000Politics, as a practice, whatever its professions, has always been the 39001systematic organisation of hatreds. 39002 -- Henry Adams, "The Education of Henry Adams" 39003% 39004Politics is like coaching a football team. You have to be smart enough 39005to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest. 39006% 39007Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing 39008between the disastrous and the unpalatable. 39009 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 39010% 39011Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to 39012realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. 39013 -- Ronald Reagan 39014% 39015Politics is the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next 39016week, next month and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to 39017explain why it didn't happen. 39018 -- Winston Churchill 39019% 39020Politics, like religion, hold up the 39021torches of martyrdom to the reformers of error. 39022 -- Thomas Jefferson 39023% 39024Politics makes strange bedfellows, and journalism makes strange politics. 39025 -- Amy Gorin 39026% 39027Politics, n.: 39028 A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. 39029 The conduct of public affairs for private advantage. 39030 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 39031% 39032Pollyanna's Educational Constant: 39033 The hyperactive child is never absent. 39034% 39035POLYGON: 39036 Dead parrot. 39037% 39038Polymer physicists are into chains. 39039% 39040Poorman's Rule: 39041 When you pull a plastic garbage bag from its handy dispenser 39042 package, you always get hold of the closed end and try to 39043 pull it open. 39044% 39045Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the 39046Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866. The 39047white smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before 39048it dawned on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his 39049name had hilarious possibilities. The crowds fell about, helpless with 39050laughter, singing 39051 Half a pound of tuppenny rice 39052 Half a pound of treacle 39053 That's the way the chimney smokes 39054 Pope Goestheveezl 39055 39056The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of laughter 39057streaming down their faces. The event set a record for hilarious civic 39058functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron Hans Neizant 39059Bompzidaize was elected Landburgher of Koln in 1653. 39060 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 39061% 39062Populus vult decipi. 39063[The people like to be deceived.] 39064% 39065Porsche; there simply is no substitute. 39066 -- Risky Business 39067% 39068Portable, adj.: 39069 Survives system reboot. 39070% 39071POSITIVE: 39072 Being mistaken at the top of your voice. 39073% 39074Positive, adj.: 39075 Mistaken at the top of one's voice. 39076 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 39077% 39078Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage. 39079 -- Ryan 39080% 39081Post proelium, praemium. 39082[After the battle, the reward.] 39083% 39084Postmen never die, they just lose their zip. 39085% 39086Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents: 39087 39088 SPUD ROGERS OF THE 25TH CENTURY: Story of an Air Force potato that's 39089left in a rarely used chow hall for over two centuries and wakes up in a world 39090populated by soybean created imitations under the evil Dick Tater. Thanks to 39091him, the soy-potatoes learn that being a 'tater is where it's at. Memorable 39092line, "'Cause I'm just a stud spud!" 39093 39094 FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER SERIES: Crazed potato who was left in a 39095fryer too long and was charbroiled carelessly returns to wreak havoc on 39096unsuspecting, would-be teen camp cooks. Scenes include a girl being stuffed 39097with chives and Fleischman's Margarine and a boy served up on a side dish 39098with beets and dressing. Definitely not for the squeamish, or those on 39099diets that are driving them crazy. 39100 39101 FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER II,III,IV,V,VI: Much, much more of the same. 39102Except with sour cream. 39103% 39104Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents: 39105 39106 THE TATERNATOR: Cyborg spud returns from the future to present-day 39107McDonald's restaurant to kill the potatoes (girl 'tater) who will give birth 39108to the world's largest french fry (The Dark Powers of Burger King are clearly 39109behind this). Most quotable line: "Ah'll be baked..." 39110 39111 A FISTFUL OF FRIES: Western in which our hero, The Spud with No Name, 39112rides into a town that's deprived of carbohydrates thanks to the evil takeover 39113of the low-cal Scallopinni Brothers. Plenty of smokeouts, fry-em-ups, and 39114general butter-melting by all. 39115 39116 FOR A FEW FRIES MORE: Takes up where AFOF left off! Cameo by Walter 39117Cronkite, as every man's common 'tater! 39118% 39119Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth. 39120% 39121POVERTY: 39122 An unfortunate state that persists as long 39123 as anyone lacks anything he would like to have. 39124% 39125Poverty begins at home. 39126% 39127Poverty must have its satisfactions, else there would not be so many 39128poor people. 39129 -- Don Herold 39130% 39131Power and ignorance is a detestable cocktail. 39132 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 39133% 39134Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat. 39135 -- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy, 1981-1987 39136% 39137Power corrupts. And atomic power corrupts atomically. 39138% 39139Power corrupts. Powerpoint corrupts absolutely. 39140 -- Vint Cerf 39141% 39142Power is poison. 39143% 39144Power is the finest token of affection. 39145% 39146Power, like a desolating pestilence, 39147Pollutes whate'er it touches... 39148 -- Percy Bysshe Shelley 39149% 39150Power, n.: 39151 The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA. 39152% 39153Power tends to corrupt, absolute power corrupts absolutely. 39154 -- Lord Acton 39155% 39156PPRB -- Pillage, plunder, rape and burn. 39157% 39158Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little 39159more time for dreaming. 39160 -- J. P. McEvoy 39161% 39162Practical politics consists in ignoring facts. 39163 -- Henry Adams 39164% 39165Practically perfect people never permit 39166sentiment to muddle their thinking. 39167 -- Mary Poppins 39168% 39169Practice is the best of all instructors. 39170 -- Publilius 39171% 39172Practice yourself what you preach. 39173 -- Titus Maccius Plautus 39174% 39175PRAIRIES: 39176 Vast plains covered by treeless forests. 39177% 39178Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition. 39179 -- Stephen Coonts, "The Minotaur" 39180% 39181Praise the sea; on shore remain. 39182 -- John Florio 39183% 39184Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore. 39185 -- Russian Proverb 39186% 39187Pray, v.: 39188 To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf 39189 of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy. 39190 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 39191% 39192Predestination was doomed from the start. 39193% 39194Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future. 39195 -- Niels Bohr 39196% 39197Prejudice, n.: 39198 A vagrant opinion without visible means of support. 39199 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 39200% 39201Premature optimization is the root of all evil. 39202 -- Donald E. Knuth 39203% 39204Preserve the old, but know the new. 39205% 39206Preserve wildlife -- pickle a squirrel today! 39207% 39208Preserve Wildlife! Throw a party today! 39209% 39210President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic pundits and 39211forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax. 39212% 39213President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50% of the 39214vote. In a democracy, that's not called quitting. 39215 -- The Washington Post 39216% 39217Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist! 39218% 39219Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning: 39220 It's on the other side. 39221% 39222Price's Advice: 39223 It's all a game -- play it to have fun. 39224% 39225[Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves the working man -- he loves 39226to see him work. 39227 -- Winston Churchill 39228% 39229[Prime Minister MacDonald] has the gift of compressing the 39230largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thought. 39231 -- Winston Churchill 39232% 39233Prince Hamlet thought Uncle a traitor 39234For having it off with his Mater; 39235 Revenge Dad or not? 39236 That's the gist of the plot, 39237And he did -- nine soliloquies later. 39238 -- Stanley J. Sharpless 39239% 39240Princeton's taste is sweet like a strawberry tart. Harvard's is a subtle 39241taste, like whiskey, coffee, or tobacco. It may even be a bad habit, for 39242all I know. 39243 -- Prof. J. H. Finley '25 39244% 39245Priority: 39246 A statement of the importance of a user or a program. Often 39247 expressed as a relative priority, indicating that the user doesn't 39248 care when the work is completed so long as he is treated less 39249 badly than someone else. 39250% 39251Prisons are built with stones of Law, brothels with bricks of Religion. 39252 -- Blake 39253% 39254Prizes are for children. 39255 -- Charles Ives, 39256 upon being given, but refusing, the Pulitzer prize 39257% 39258Pro is to con as progress is to Congress. 39259% 39260Probable-Possible, my black hen, 39261She lays eggs in the Relative When. 39262She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now 39263Because she's unable to postulate how. 39264 -- Frederick Winsor 39265% 39266Probably the question asked most often is: Do one-celled animals have 39267orgasms? The answer is yes, they have orgasms almost constantly, which 39268is why they don't mind living in pools of warm slime. 39269 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every 39270 Teen Should Know" 39271% 39272PROBLEM DRINKER: 39273 A man who never buys. 39274% 39275Producers seem to be so prejudiced against actors who've had no training. 39276And there's no reason for it. So what if I didn't attend the Royal Academy 39277for twelve years? I'm still a professional trying to be the best actress 39278I can. Why doesn't anyone send me the scripts that Faye Dunaway gets? 39279 -- Farrah Fawcett-Majors 39280% 39281Prof: So the American government went to IBM to come up with a data 39282 encryption standard and they came up with ... 39283Student: EBCDIC! 39284% 39285Profanity is the one language all programmers know best. 39286% 39287Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem Eng. 130 39288midterm. Once again a student did not receive a single point on his exam. 39289Newell has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter. Newell's earned exam average 39290has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%. 39291% 39292PROGRAM: 39293 Any task that can't be completed in one telephone call or one 39294 day. Once a task is defined as a program ("training program," 39295 "sales program," or "marketing program"), its implementation 39296 always justifies hiring at least three more people. 39297% 39298Program, n.: 39299 A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input 39300 into error messages. tr.v. To engage in a pastime similar to banging 39301 one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward. 39302% 39303Programmers do it bit by bit. 39304% 39305Programmers used to batch environments may find it hard to live 39306without giant listings; we would find it hard to use them. 39307 -- Dennis M. Ritchie 39308% 39309Programming Department: 39310 Mistakes made while you wait. 39311% 39312Programming is an unnatural act. 39313% 39314Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to 39315build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying 39316to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. 39317 -- Rich Cook 39318% 39319PROGRESS: 39320 Medieval man thought disease was caused by invisible demons 39321 invading the body and taking possession of it. 39322 39323 Modern man knows disease is caused by microscopic bacteria 39324 and viruses invading the body and causing it to malfunction. 39325% 39326Progress is impossible without change, and those who 39327cannot change their minds cannot change anything. 39328 -- George Bernard Shaw 39329% 39330Progress means replacing a theory that 39331is wrong with one more subtly wrong. 39332% 39333Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long. 39334 -- Ogden Nash 39335% 39336Progress was all right. Only it went on too long. 39337 -- James Thurber 39338% 39339Promise her anything, but give her Exxon unleaded. 39340% 39341Promising costs nothing, it's the delivering that kills you. 39342% 39343PROMOTION FROM WITHIN: 39344 A system of moving incompetents up to the policy-making 39345 level where they can't foul up operations. 39346% 39347Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword. 39348% 39349Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction. 39350 39351This technique is used on equations with 'n' in them. Induction 39352techniques are very popular, even the military use them. 39353 39354SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction. 39355 39356 We know it's true for n equal to 1. Now assume that it's true 39357for every natural number less than n. N is arbitrary, so we can take n 39358as large as we want. If n is sufficiently large, the case of n+1 is 39359trivially equivalent, so the only important n are n less than n. We can 39360take n = n (from above), so it's true for n+1 because it's just about n. 39361 QED. (QED translates from the Latin as "So what?") 39362% 39363Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity. 39364 SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs. 39365(1) Horses have an even number of legs. 39366(2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front. 39367(3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of 39368 legs for a horse. 39369(4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity. 39370(5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs. 39371 39372Topics to be covered in future issues include proof by: 39373 Intimidation 39374 Gesticulation (handwaving) 39375 "Try it; it works" 39376 Constipation (I was just sitting there and ...) 39377 Blatant assertion 39378 Changing all the 2's to _n's 39379 Mutual consent 39380 Lack of a counterexample, and 39381 "It stands to reason" 39382% 39383Proper treatment will cure a cold in seven days, 39384but left to itself, a cold will hang on for a week. 39385 -- Darrell Huff 39386% 39387Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: 39388 39389BBW Branch Both Ways 39390BEW Branch Either Way 39391BBBF Branch on Bit Bucket Full 39392BH Branch and Hang 39393BMR Branch Multiple Registers 39394BOB Branch On Bug 39395BPO Branch on Power Off 39396BST Backspace and Stretch Tape 39397CDS Condense and Destroy System 39398CLBR Clobber Register 39399CLBRI Clobber Register Immediately 39400CM Circulate Memory 39401CMFRM Come From -- essential for truly structured programming 39402CPPR Crumple Printer Paper and Rip 39403CRN Convert to Roman Numerals 39404% 39405Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: 39406 39407DC Divide and Conquer 39408DMPK Destroy Memory Protect Key 39409DO Divide and Overflow 39410EMPC Emulate Pocket Calculator 39411EPI Execute Programmer Immediately 39412EROS Erase Read Only Storage 39413EXCE Execute Customer Engineer 39414HCF Halt and Catch Fire 39415IBP Insert Bug and Proceed 39416INSQSW Insert into queue somewhere (for FINO queues [First in never out]) 39417PBC Print and Break Chain 39418PDSK Punch Disk 39419% 39420Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: 39421 39422PI Punch Invalid 39423POPI Punch Operator Immediately 39424PVLC Punch Variable Length Card 39425RASC Read And Shred Card 39426RPM Read Programmers Mind 39427RSSC Reduce Speed, Step Carefully (for improved accuracy) 39428RTAB Rewind Tape and Break 39429RWDSK Rewind Disk 39430RWOC Read Writing On Card 39431SCRBL Scribble to disk - faster than a write 39432SLC Search for Lost Chord 39433SPSW Scramble Program Status Word 39434SRSD Seek Record and Scar Disk 39435STROM Store in Read Only Memory 39436TDB Transfer and Drop Bit 39437WBT Water Binary Tree 39438% 39439Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them. 39440 -- Publilius Syrus 39441% 39442Prototype designs always work. 39443 -- Don Vonada 39444% 39445prototype, n. 39446 First stage in the life cycle of a computer product, followed by 39447 pre-alpha, alpha, beta, release version, corrected release version, 39448 upgrade, corrected upgrade, etc. Unlike its successors, the 39449 prototype is not expected to work. 39450% 39451Protozoa are small, and bacteria are small, but viruses are smaller 39452than the both put together. 39453% 39454Providence New Jersey is one of the few cities 39455where Velveeta cheese appears on the gourmet shelf. 39456% 39457Prunes give you a run for your money. 39458% 39459Pryor's Observation: 39460 How long you live has nothing to do 39461 with how long you are going to be dead. 39462% 39463PS: This message is not intended to supply the minimum 39464daily requirement of serious thought. Consult your doctor 39465or pharmacist, but not the one that just sent you electronic 39466junk mail or promises to make explicit drugs fast. 39467 -- taken from Norman Wilson's .sig 39468% 39469Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check 39470three friends. If they're OK, you're it. 39471% 39472Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' 39473shortcomings. 39474 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter, "Peter's Principles" 39475% 39476Psychics will soon lead dogs to your body. 39477% 39478Psychoanalysis is that mental illness for which it regards itself 39479a therapy. 39480 -- Karl Kraus 39481 39482Psychiatry is the care of the id by the odd. 39483 39484Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you. 39485 -- Carl G. Jung 39486% 39487Psychologist, n.: 39488 Someone who watches everyone else when an attractive woman walks 39489 into a room. 39490% 39491Psychologists think they're experimental psychologists. 39492Experimental psychologists think they're biologists. 39493Biologists think they're biochemists. 39494Biochemists think they're chemists. 39495Chemists think they're physical chemists. 39496Physical chemists think they're physicists. 39497Physicists think they're theoretical physicists. 39498Theoretical physicists think they're mathematicians. 39499Mathematicians think they're metamathematicians. 39500Metamathematicians think they're philosophers. 39501Philosophers think they're gods. 39502% 39503Psychology. Mind over matter. 39504Mind under matter? It doesn't matter. 39505Never mind. 39506% 39507Psychotherapy is the theory that the patient will probably get well 39508anyhow and is certainly a damn fool. 39509 -- H. L. Mencken 39510% 39511Public use of any portable music system is a 39512virtually guaranteed indicator of sociopathic tendencies. 39513 -- Zoso 39514% 39515Publishing a volume of verse is like dropping 39516a rose petal down the Grand Canyon and waiting for the echo. 39517% 39518Pudder's Law: 39519 Anything that begins well will end badly. 39520 (Note: The converse of Pudder's law is not true.) 39521% 39522Punning is the worst vice, and there's no vice versa. 39523% 39524Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves 39525to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way 39526to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the 39527cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in 39528fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a 39529lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of 39530the first day even if they have plenty of food and water. 39531 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" 39532% 39533Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen. 39534% 39535PURGE COMPLETE. 39536% 39537PURITAN: 39538 Someone who is deathly afraid that 39539 someone, somewhere, is having fun. 39540% 39541Puritanism -- the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy. 39542 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Book of Burlesques" 39543% 39544Purpitation, v.: 39545 To take something off the grocery shelf, decide you 39546 don't want it, and then put it in another section. 39547 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 39548% 39549Pushing 30 is exercise enough. 39550% 39551Pushing 40 is exercise enough. 39552% 39553Put a pot of chili on the stove to simmer. 39554Let it simmer. Meanwhile, broil a good steak. 39555Eat the steak. Let the chili simmer. Ignore it. 39556 -- Recipe for chili from Allan Shrivers, former governor 39557 of Texas. 39558% 39559Put a rogue in the limelight and he will act like an honest man. 39560 -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims" 39561% 39562Put all your eggs in one basket and -- WATCH THAT BASKET. 39563 -- Mark Twain 39564% 39565Put another password in, 39566Bomb it out, then try again. 39567Try to get past logging in, 39568We're hacking, hacking, hacking. 39569 39570Try his first wife's maiden name, 39571This is more than just a game. 39572It's real fun, but just the same, 39573It's hacking, hacking, hacking. 39574% 39575Put cats in the coffee and mice in the tea! 39576% 39577Put no trust in cryptic comments. 39578% 39579Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust. 39580% 39581Put your best foot forward. 39582Or just call in and say you're sick. 39583% 39584Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth in motion. 39585% 39586Put your Nose to the Grindstone! 39587 -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd. 39588% 39589Put your trust in those who are worthy. 39590% 39591Putt's Law: 39592 Technology is dominated by two types of people: 39593 Those who understand what they do not manage. 39594 Those who manage what they do not understand. 39595% 39596Pyro's of the world... IGNITE !!! 39597% 39598Q: Are we not men? 39599A: We are Vaxen. 39600% 39601Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is? 39602A: One per person. 39603% 39604Q: Do you think the idea of "one tool doing one job" has been 39605 abandoned? ... 39606A: Those days are dead and gone and the eulogy was delivered by 39607 Perl. 39608 -- Rob Pike 39609% 39610Q: Have you heard about the man who didn't pay for his exorcism? 39611A: He got re-possessed! 39612% 39613Q: How can we get the Beatles to reunite for one more concert? 39614A: With three more bullets. 39615% 39616Q: How can you tell if an elephant is having an affair with 39617 your wife? 39618A: You have to wait 22 months. 39619% 39620Q: How can you tell if an elephant is sitting on your back 39621 in a hurricane? 39622A: You can hear his ears flapping in the wind. 39623% 39624Q: How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying? 39625A: When his lips move. 39626% 39627Q: How did the elephant get to the top of the oak tree? 39628A: He sat on an acorn and waited for spring. 39629 39630Q: But how did he get back down? 39631A: He crawled out on a leaf and waited for autumn. 39632% 39633Q: How did the regular expression cross the road? 39634A: ^.*$ 39635% 39636Q: How did you get into artificial intelligence? 39637A: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence. 39638% 39639Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit? 39640A: Unique up on it! 39641 39642Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit? 39643A: The tame way! 39644% 39645Q: How do you keep a moron in suspense? 39646% 39647Q: How do you keep an Aggie busy at a terminal? 39648A: While he's not looking, switch it to "local". 39649% 39650Q: How do you know when you're in the <ethnic> section of Vermont? 39651A: The maple sap buckets are hanging on utility poles. 39652% 39653Q: How do you make an elephant float? 39654A: You get two scoops of elephant and some root beer... 39655% 39656Q: How do you save a drowning lawyer? 39657A: Throw him a rock. 39658% 39659Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant? 39660A: With a blue-elephant gun. 39661 39662Q: How do you shoot a pink elephant? 39663A: Twist its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with 39664 a blue-elephant gun. 39665% 39666Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging? 39667A: Take away his credit cards. 39668% 39669Q: How does a hacker fix a function which 39670 doesn't work for all of the elements in its domain? 39671A: He changes the domain. 39672% 39673Q: How does a single woman in New York get rid of cockroaches? 39674A: She asks them for a commitment. 39675% 39676Q: How does a WASP propose marriage? 39677A: "How would you like to be buried with my people?" 39678% 39679Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb? 39680A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment 39681 of license fee (binary only). 39682% 39683Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb? 39684A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being 39685 done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet. 39686% 39687Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 39688A: Five. One to screw in the lightbulb and four to share the 39689 experience. (Actually, Californians don't screw in 39690 lightbulbs, they screw in hot tubs.) 39691 39692Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? 39693A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all 39694 those Californians trying to share the experience. 39695% 39696Q: How many college football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 39697A: Only one, but he gets three credits for it. 39698% 39699Q: How many DEC repairmen does it take to fix a flat? 39700A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires. 39701 39702Q: How long does it take? 39703A: It's indeterminate. It will depend upon how many flats they've 39704 brought with them. 39705 39706Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats? 39707A: They replace your generator. 39708% 39709Q: How many Democrats does it take to enjoy a good joke? 39710A: One more than you can find. 39711% 39712Q: How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug? 39713A: Four. Two in the front, two in the back. 39714 39715Q: How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator? 39716A: There's a footprint in the mayo. 39717 39718Q: How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator? 39719A: There's two footprints in the mayo. 39720 39721Q: How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator? 39722A: The door won't shut. 39723 39724Q: How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator? 39725A: There's a VW Bug in your driveway. 39726% 39727Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 39728A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb 39729 itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective 39730 reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward 39731 a maudlin cosmos of nothingness. 39732% 39733Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? 39734A: None. We'll fix it in software. 39735 39736Q: How many system programmers does it take to change a light bulb? 39737A: None. The application can work around it. 39738 39739Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? 39740A: None. We'll document it in the manual. 39741 39742Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb? 39743A: None. The user can figure it out. 39744% 39745Q: How many Harvard MBAs does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 39746A: Just one. He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him. 39747% 39748Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb 39749 in San Francisco? 39750A: Both of them. 39751% 39752Q: How many IBM 370s does it take to execute a job? 39753A: Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off. 39754% 39755Q: How many IBM CPUs does it take to do a logical right shift? 39756A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register. 39757% 39758Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? 39759A: Fifteen. One to do it, and fourteen to write document number 39760 GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, 39761 of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally 39762 left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:..... 39763 consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks". 39764% 39765Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 39766A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring 39767 light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government 39768 plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer 39769 prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb 39770 assassin to break the bulb in the first place. 39771% 39772Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? 39773A: One. Only it's his light bulb when he's done. 39774% 39775Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? 39776A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the 39777party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith 39778agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed 39779from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed 39780upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of 39781the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating 39782at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of 39783the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the 39784second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the 39785parties. 39786 The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be 39787limited to, the following. The party of the first part shall, with or without 39788elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other 39789means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party 39790of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered 39791non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part 39792becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall 39793have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner 39794consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes. 39795Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part 39796shall have the option of beginning installation. Aforesaid installation shall 39797occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in 39798step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation 39799should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. 39800The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the 39801first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to 39802produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership. 39803% 39804Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? 39805A: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if 39806 you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb... 39807% 39808Q: How many marketing people does it take to change a lightbulb? 39809A: I'll have to get back to you on that. 39810% 39811Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 39812A: One and a half. 39813% 39814Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 39815A: None: The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution. 39816% 39817Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 39818A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem 39819 to the earlier joke. 39820% 39821Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a 39822 light bulb? 39823A: Seven. Scotty has to report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in 39824 the Engineering Section is getting dim, at which point Kirk will send 39825 Bones to pronounce the bulb dead (although he'll immediately claim 39826 that he's a doctor, not an electrician). Scotty, after checking 39827 around, realizes that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains 39828 that he "canna" see in the dark. Kirk will make an emergency stop at 39829 the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb 39830 from the natives, who, are friendly, but seem to be hiding something. 39831 Kirk, Spock, Bones, Yeoman Rand and two red shirt security officers 39832 beam down to the planet, where the two security officers are promptly 39833 killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. 39834 As something begins to develop between the Captain and Yeoman Rand, 39835 Scotty, back in orbit, is attacked by a Klingon destroyer and must 39836 warp out of orbit. Although badly outgunned, he cripples the Klingon 39837 and races back to the planet in order to rescue Kirk et. al. who have 39838 just saved the natives' from an awful fate and, as a reward, been 39839 given all lightbulbs they can carry. The new bulb is then inserted 39840 and the Enterprise continues on its five year mission. 39841% 39842Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? 39843A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those 39844 Californians trying to share the experience. 39845% 39846Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light 39847 bulb? 39848A: Three. One to do it, one to watch, and the third to shoot the 39849 witness. 39850% 39851Q: How many pre-med's does it take to change a lightbulb? 39852A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder 39853 out from under him. 39854% 39855Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? 39856A: Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has 39857 to really want to change. 39858% 39859Q: How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb? 39860A: Twelve. One to screw the light-bulb in, and eleven to 39861 self-destruct the ship out of disgrace. 39862 39863 [Warning: do not tell this joke to Romulans or else be ready for 39864 a fight. They consider it to be a disgrace, though it's 39865 pretty good for a LBJ. Ed.] 39866% 39867Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? 39868A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub 39869 with brightly colored machine tools. 39870 39871 [Surrealist jokes just aren't my cup of fur. Ed.] 39872% 39873Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a lightbulb? 39874A: One. 39875% 39876Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? 39877A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out 39878 of the way. 39879% 39880Q: How much does it cost to ride the Unibus? 39881A: 2 bits. 39882% 39883Q: How was Thomas J. Watson buried? 39884A: 9 edge down. 39885% 39886Q: Know what the difference between your latest project 39887 and putting wings on an elephant is? 39888A: Who knows? The elephant *might* fly, heh, heh... 39889% 39890Q: Minnesotans ask, "Why aren't there more pharmacists from Alabama?" 39891A: Easy. It's because they can't figure out how to get the little 39892 bottles into the typewriter. 39893% 39894Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars. 39895 What should I do? 39896A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on 39897 believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably 39898 be the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you can. 39899 No time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to see if 39900 somebody else has made the correction. 39901 39902 And it's not good enough to send the message by mail. Since you're 39903 the only one who really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have 39904 to inform the whole net right away! 39905 -- Brad Templeton, "Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions 39906 on Netiquette" 39907% 39908Q: What did one regular expression say to the other? 39909A: .+ 39910% 39911Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill? 39912A: "The elephants are coming over the hill." 39913 39914Q: What did he say when saw them coming over the hill wearing 39915 sunglasses? 39916A: Nothing, for he didn't recognize them. 39917% 39918Q: What did the regular expression match? 39919A: Identified the patterns "matc" and "match" 39920% 39921Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common? 39922A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until 39923 they go down on you. 39924 39925Q: What's the advantage to being married to a blonde? 39926A: You can park in the handicapped zone. 39927 39928Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw 39929 puzzle in only 6 months? 39930A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years". 39931% 39932Q: What do little WASPs want to be when they grow up? 39933A: The very best person they can possibly be. 39934% 39935Q: What do monsters eat? 39936A: Things. 39937 39938Q: What do monsters drink? 39939A: Coke. (Because Things go better with Coke.) 39940% 39941Q: What do they call the alphabet in Arkansas? 39942A: The impossible dream. 39943% 39944Q: What do WASPs do instead of making love? 39945A: Rule the country. 39946% 39947Q: What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common? 39948A: The same middle name. 39949% 39950Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle? 39951A: A dope ring. 39952 39953Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails? 39954A: To cover up the valve stem. 39955% 39956Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal? 39957A: Diyathinkhesaurus. 39958 39959Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal with a dog? 39960A: Diyathinkhesaurus Rex. 39961% 39962Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? 39963A: A stick. 39964% 39965Q: What do you call a brunette between two blondes? 39966A: An interpreter. 39967 39968Q: Why do blondes have square breasts? 39969A: They forgot to take the tissues out of the box. 39970 39971Q: What do you call ten blonds in a row? 39972A: A wind tunnel. 39973% 39974Q: What do you call a dog with no legs? 39975A: What does it matter? He can't come anyway. 39976 39977 [I got a dog with no legs -- I call him Cigarette. 39978 Every night, I take him out for a drag. Ed.] 39979% 39980Q: What do you call a group of kids with low IQs, drinking diet cola, 39981 eating fruit, and singing? 39982A: The Moron Tab and Apple Choir. 39983% 39984Q: What do you call a half-dozen Indians with Asian flu? 39985A: Six sick Sikhs (sic). 39986% 39987Q: What do you call a million cats at the bottom of Lake Michigan? 39988A: A good start. 39989% 39990Q: What do you call a principal female opera singer whose high C 39991 is lower than those of other principal female opera singers? 39992A: A deep C diva. 39993% 39994Q: What do you call a TV set that fixes itself? 39995A: A Christian Science Monitor. 39996% 39997Q: What do you call a WASP who doesn't work for his father, isn't a 39998 lawyer, and believes in social causes? 39999A: A failure. 40000% 40001Q: What do you call the money you pay to the government when 40002 you ride into the country on the back of an elephant? 40003A: A howdah duty. 40004% 40005Q: What do you call the scratches that you get when a female 40006 sheep bites you? 40007A: Ewe nicks. 40008% 40009Q: What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard? 40010A: You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand! 40011% 40012Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? 40013A: An offer you can't understand. 40014% 40015Q: What do you get when you stuff a flaming stick down a rabbit-hole? 40016A: Hot cross bunnies! 40017% 40018Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand? 40019A: Not enough sand. 40020% 40021Q: What does a blonde do first thing in the morning? 40022A: She goes home. 40023 40024Q: Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her dress? 40025A: To keep her neck warm. 40026 40027Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday? 40028A: Tell her a joke on Friday. 40029% 40030Q: What does a WASP Mom make for dinner? 40031A: A crisp salad, a hearty soup, a lovely entree, followed by 40032 a delicious dessert. 40033% 40034Q: What does it say on the bottom of Coke cans in North Dakota? 40035A: Open other end. 40036% 40037Q: What goes: Sis! Boom! Baaaaah! 40038A: Exploding sheep. 40039% 40040Q: What happens when four WASPs find themselves in the same room? 40041A: A dinner party. 40042% 40043Q: What is green and lives in the ocean? 40044A: Moby Pickle. 40045% 40046Q: What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has two of? 40047A: Feet. 40048% 40049Q: What is orange and goes "click, click?" 40050A: A ball point carrot. 40051% 40052Q: What is printed on the bottom of beer bottles in Minnesota? 40053A: Open other end. 40054% 40055Q: What is purple and commutes? 40056A: A boolean grape. 40057% 40058Q: What is purple and commutes? 40059A: An Abelian grape. 40060% 40061Q: What is purple and concord the world? 40062A: Alexander the Grape. 40063% 40064Q: What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic 40065 existentialist? 40066A: Is there a dog? 40067% 40068Q: What is the difference between a duck? 40069A: One leg is both the same. 40070% 40071Q: What is the difference between Texas and yogurt? 40072A: Yogurt has culture. 40073% 40074Q: What is the last thing a Kansas stripper takes off? 40075A: Her bowling shoes. 40076% 40077Q: What is the mating call of a blonde? 40078A: I think I'm drunk. 40079 40080Q: What's the call of a disappointed blonde? 40081A: I *said*, I *think* I'm drunk! 40082 40083Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde? 40084A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!" 40085% 40086Q: What is the sound of one cat napping? 40087A: Mu. 40088% 40089Q: What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches? 40090A: A nervous wreck. 40091% 40092Q: What looks like a cat, flies like a bat, brays like a donkey, and 40093 plays like a monkey? 40094A: Nothing. 40095% 40096Q: What regular expression do you often see around Christmas? 40097A: [^L] 40098% 40099Q: What's a light-year? 40100A: One-third less calories than a regular year. 40101% 40102Q: What's black and white and red all over? 40103A: Two nuns in a chainsaw fight. 40104% 40105Q: What's bruised, bleeding, and lies in a ditch? 40106A: Somebody who tells Aggie jokes. 40107% 40108Q: What's tan and black and looks great on a lawyer? 40109A: A Doberman. 40110% 40111Q: What's the Blonde's cheer? 40112A: I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N... ah, oh well.. 40113 I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea... 40114 40115Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette? 40116A: Artificial intelligence. 40117 40118Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? 40119A: Shine a flashlight in their ear. 40120% 40121Q: What's the capital of Canada? 40122A: American. 40123% 40124Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead 40125 lawyer in the road? 40126A: There are skid marks in front of the dog. 40127% 40128Q: What's the difference between a duck and an elephant? 40129A: You can't get down off an elephant. 40130% 40131Q: What's the difference between a Mac and an Etch-a-Sketch? 40132A: You don't have to shake the Mac to clear the screen. 40133% 40134Q: What's the difference between a RHU cheerleader and a whale? 40135A: The moustache. 40136% 40137Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake? 40138A: One more drunk. 40139% 40140Q: What's the difference between Bell Labs and the Boy Scouts of America? 40141A: The Boy Scouts have adult supervision. 40142% 40143Q: What's the difference between Los Angeles and yogurt? 40144A: Yogurt has a living, active culture. 40145% 40146Q: What's the difference between USL and the Graf Zeppelin? 40147A: The Graf Zeppelin represented cutting edge technology for its time. 40148% 40149Q: What's the difference between USL and the Titanic? 40150A: The Titanic had a band. 40151% 40152Q: What's tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous? 40153A: A canary with the super-user password. 40154% 40155Q: What's yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice? 40156A: Zorn's Lemon. 40157% 40158Q: Where's the Lone Ranger take his garbage? 40159A: To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump! 40160 40161Q: What's the Pink Panther say when he steps on an ant hill? 40162A: Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant... 40163% 40164Q: Who cuts the grass on Walton's Mountain? 40165A: Lawn Boy. 40166% 40167Q: Why are Jewish divorces so expensive? 40168A: Because they're worth it! 40169% 40170Q: Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers? 40171A: Because he was hungry. 40172% 40173Q: Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall? 40174A: To see what was on the other side. 40175 40176Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering wheels? 40177A: More head room. 40178 40179Q: How does a blonde turn on the light after having sex? 40180A: She opens the car door. 40181% 40182Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? 40183A: He was giving it last rites. 40184% 40185Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? 40186A: To see his friend Gregory peck. 40187 40188Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground? 40189A: To get to the other slide. 40190% 40191Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope? 40192A: To get to the other slide. 40193% 40194Q: Why did the lone ranger kill Tonto? 40195A: He found out what "kemosabe" really means. 40196% 40197Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"? 40198A: Because he left a residue at every pole. 40199% 40200Q: Why did the programmer call his mother long distance? 40201A: Because that was her name. 40202% 40203Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road? 40204A: Because it was on the other side. 40205% 40206Q: Why did the WASP cross the road? 40207A: To get to the middle. 40208% 40209Q: Why do ducks have big flat feet? 40210A: To stamp out forest fires. 40211 40212Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet? 40213A: To stamp out flaming ducks. 40214% 40215Q: Why do ducks have flat feet? 40216A: To stamp out forest fires. 40217 40218Q: Why do elephants have flat feet? 40219A: To stamp out flaming ducks. 40220% 40221Q: Why do firemen wear red suspenders? 40222A: To conform with departmental regulations concerning uniform dress. 40223% 40224Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together? 40225A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home. 40226% 40227Q: Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads? 40228A: Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise? 40229 Oh, right, *of course*! 40230% 40231Q: Why do the police always travel in threes? 40232A: One to do the reading, one to do the writing, and the other keeps 40233 an eye on the two intellectuals. 40234% 40235Q: Why does Washington have the most lawyers per capita and 40236 New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps? 40237A: God gave New Jersey first choice. 40238% 40239Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles? 40240A: Because they get their head stuck in the jars. 40241 40242Q: Why do blondes wear underwear? 40243A: To keep their ankles warm. 40244 40245Q: How do you kill a blonde? 40246A: Put spikes in her shoulder pads. 40247% 40248Q: Why don't lawyers go to the beach? 40249A: The cats keep trying to bury them. 40250% 40251Q: Why don't Scotsmen ever have coffee the way they like it? 40252A: Well, they like it with two lumps of sugar. If they drink 40253 it at home, they only take one, and if they drink it while 40254 visiting, they always take three. 40255% 40256Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? 40257A: You do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit 40258 gets all the credit. 40259% 40260Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation 40261 function, the more expensive it becomes to compute? 40262A: That's the Law of Spline Demand. 40263% 40264Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? 40265A: It takes too long to retrain them. 40266 40267Q: What's the mating call of the brunette? 40268A: All the blondes have gone home! 40269 40270Q: How do you tell if a blonde's been using the computer? 40271A: There's white-out on the screen. 40272% 40273Q: Why should you always serve a Southern Carolina football man 40274 soup in a plate? 40275A: 'Cause if you give him a bowl, he'll throw it away. 40276% 40277Q: Why was Stonehenge abandoned? 40278A: It wasn't IBM compatible. 40279% 40280QED. 40281% 40282QOTD: 40283 "A child of 5 could understand this! Fetch me a child of 5." 40284% 40285QOTD: 40286 "A lack of advanced planning on your part does not constitute 40287 an emergency on my part." 40288% 40289QOTD: 40290 "A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem." 40291% 40292QOTD: 40293 "All I want is a little more than I'll ever get." 40294% 40295QOTD: 40296 "All I want is more than my fair share." 40297% 40298QOTD: 40299 "Dead people are good at running because they don't 40300 have to stop and breathe." 40301 -- Hokey, watching "Night of the Living Dead" 40302% 40303QOTD: 40304 "Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone." 40305% 40306QOTD: 40307 "East is east... and let's keep it that way." 40308% 40309QOTD: 40310 "Every morning I read the obituaries; if my name's not there, 40311 I go to work." 40312% 40313QOTD: 40314 "Everything I am today I owe to people, whom it is now 40315 too late to punish." 40316% 40317QOTD: 40318 "Flash! Flash! I love you! ...but we only have fourteen hours to 40319 save the earth!" 40320% 40321QOTD: 40322 "He eats like a bird... five times his own weight each day." 40323% 40324QOTD: 40325 "Her other car is a broom." 40326% 40327QOTD: 40328 "He's a perfectionist. If he married Raquel Welch, he'd expect 40329 her to cook." 40330% 40331QOTD: 40332 "He's such a hick he doesn't even have a trapeze in his bedroom." 40333% 40334QOTD: 40335 "How can I miss you if you won't go away?" 40336% 40337QOTD: 40338 "I ain't broke, but I'm badly bent." 40339% 40340QOTD: 40341 "I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it." 40342% 40343QOTD: 40344 "I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the 40345other hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out." 40346% 40347QOTD: 40348 "I drive my car quietly, for it goes without saying." 40349% 40350QOTD: 40351 "I haven't come far enough, and don't call me baby." 40352% 40353QOTD: 40354 "I looked out my window, and saw Kyle Pettys' car upside down, 40355 then I thought `One of us is in real trouble.'" 40356 -- Davey Allison, on a 150 m.p.h. crash 40357% 40358QOTD: 40359 "I love your outfit, does it come in your size?" 40360% 40361QOTD: 40362 "I may not be able to walk, but I drive from the sitting position." 40363% 40364QOTD: 40365 "I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!" 40366% 40367QOTD: 40368 "I opened Pandora's box, let the cat out of the bag and put the 40369 ball in their court." 40370 -- Hon. J. Hacker (The Ministry of Administrative Affairs) 40371% 40372QOTD: 40373 "I sprinkled some baking powder over a couple of potatoes, but it 40374 didn't work." 40375% 40376QOTD: 40377 "I thought I saw a unicorn on the way over, but it was just a 40378 horse with one of the horns broken off." 40379% 40380QOTD: 40381 "I treat her like a thoroughbred, and she's STILL a nag!" 40382% 40383QOTD: 40384 "I tried buying a goat instead of a lawn tractor; had to return 40385 it though. Couldn't figure out a way to connect the snow blower." 40386% 40387QOTD: 40388 "I used to be an idealist, but I got mugged by reality." 40389% 40390QOTD: 40391 "I used to be lost in the shuffle, now I just shuffle along with 40392 the lost." 40393% 40394QOTD: 40395 "I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance." 40396% 40397QOTD: 40398 "I used to go to UCLA, but then my Dad got a job." 40399% 40400QOTD: 40401 "I used to jog, but the ice kept bouncing out of my glass." 40402% 40403QOTD: 40404 "I want a home, a family, an occasional spanking ..." 40405 -- Kathy Ireland 40406% 40407QOTD: 40408 "I won't say he's untruthful, but his wife has to call the 40409 dog for dinner." 40410% 40411QOTD: 40412 "I'd never marry a woman who didn't like pizza. I might play 40413 golf with her, but I wouldn't marry her." 40414% 40415QOTD: 40416 "If he learns from his mistakes, pretty soon he'll know everything." 40417% 40418QOTD: 40419 "If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the aftershave." 40420% 40421QOTD: 40422 "If I'm what I eat, I'm a chocolate chip cookie." 40423% 40424QOTD: 40425 "If it's too loud, you're too old." 40426% 40427QOTD: 40428 "If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it." 40429% 40430QOTD: 40431 "If you're looking for trouble, I can offer you a wide selection." 40432% 40433QOTD: 40434 "I'll listen to reason when it comes out on CD." 40435% 40436QOTD: 40437 "I'm just a boy named 'su'..." 40438% 40439QOTD: 40440 "I'm not a nerd -- I'm 'socially challenged.'" 40441% 40442QOTD: 40443 I'm not bald -- I'm "hair challenged". 40444 40445 [I thought that was "differently haired". Ed.] 40446% 40447QOTD: 40448 "I'm not really for apathy, but I'm not against it either..." 40449% 40450QOTD: 40451 "I'm on a seafood diet -- I see food and I eat it." 40452% 40453QOTD: 40454 "In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy department." 40455% 40456QOTD: 40457 "It seems to me that your antenna doesn't bring in too many 40458 stations anymore." 40459% 40460QOTD: 40461 "It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his 40462 hands in his own pockets." 40463% 40464QOTD: 40465 "It wouldn't have been anything, even if it were gonna be a thing." 40466% 40467QOTD: 40468 "It's a cold bowl of chili, when love don't work out." 40469% 40470QOTD: 40471 "It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear." 40472% 40473QOTD: 40474 "It's been Monday all week today." 40475% 40476QOTD: 40477 "It's been real and it's been fun, but it hasn't been real fun." 40478% 40479QOTD: 40480 "It's hard to tell whether he has an ace up his sleeve or if 40481 the ace is missing from his deck altogether." 40482% 40483QOTD: 40484 "It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name." 40485% 40486QOTD: 40487 "It's not the despair... I can stand the despair. It's the hope." 40488% 40489QOTD: 40490 "It's sort of a threat, you see. I've never been very good at 40491 them myself, but I'm told they can be very effective." 40492% 40493QOTD: 40494 "I've always wanted to work in the Federal Mint. And then go on 40495 strike. To make less money." 40496% 40497QOTD: 40498 "I've got one last thing to say before I go; give me back 40499 all of my stuff." 40500% 40501QOTD: 40502 "I've heard about civil Engineers, but I've never met one." 40503% 40504QOTD: 40505 "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing 40506 trivial." 40507% 40508QOTD: 40509 "Just how much can I get away with and still go to heaven?" 40510% 40511QOTD: 40512 "Let's do it." 40513 -- Gary Gilmore, to his firing squad 40514% 40515QOTD: 40516 "Like this rose, our love will wilt and die." 40517% 40518QOTD: 40519 "Ludwig Boltzmann, who spend much of his life studying statistical 40520 mechanics died in 1906 by his own hand. Paul Ehrenfest, carrying 40521 on the work, died similarly in 1933. Now it is our turn." 40522 -- Goodstein, States of Matter 40523% 40524QOTD: 40525 "Money isn't everything, but at least it keeps the kids in touch." 40526% 40527QOTD: 40528 "My ambition is to marry a rich woman who's too proud to let 40529 her husband work." 40530% 40531QOTD: 40532 "My life is a soap opera, but who gets the movie rights?" 40533% 40534QOTD: 40535 "My mother was the travel agent for guilt trips." 40536% 40537QOTD: 40538 "My shampoo lasts longer than my relationships." 40539% 40540QOTD: 40541 "Of course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with 40542 a fake?" 40543% 40544QOTD: 40545 "Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy." 40546% 40547QOTD: 40548 "Oh, no, no... I'm not beautiful. Just very, very pretty." 40549% 40550QOTD: 40551 "On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say... oh, somewhere in there." 40552% 40553QOTD: 40554 "Our parents were never our age." 40555% 40556QOTD: 40557 "Overweight is when you step on your dog's tail and it dies." 40558% 40559QOTD: 40560 "Sacred cows make great hamburgers." 40561% 40562QOTD: 40563 "Say, you look pretty athletic. What say we put a pair of tennis 40564 shoes on you and run you into the wall?" 40565% 40566QOTD: 40567 "Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing." 40568% 40569QOTD: 40570 "She's about as smart as bait." 40571% 40572QOTD: 40573 "Silence is the only virtue he has left." 40574% 40575QOTD: 40576 "Some people have one of those days. I've had one of those lives." 40577% 40578QOTD: 40579 "Sure, I turned down a drink once. Didn't understand the question." 40580% 40581QOTD: 40582 "Talent does what it can, genius what it must. 40583 I do what I get paid to do." 40584% 40585QOTD: 40586 "The baby was so ugly they had to hang a pork chop around its 40587 neck to get the dog to play with it." 40588% 40589QOTD: 40590 "The elder gods went to Suggoth and all I got was this lousy T-shirt." 40591% 40592QOTD: 40593 "The forest may be quiet, but that doesn't mean 40594 the snakes have gone away." 40595% 40596QOTD: 40597 "The only easy way to tell a hamster from a gerbil is that the 40598 gerbil has more dark meat." 40599% 40600QOTD: 40601 "There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm sure looking." 40602% 40603QOTD: 40604 "This is a one line proof... if we start sufficiently far to the 40605 left." 40606% 40607QOTD: 40608 "To hell with patience, I'm gonna kill me something!" 40609% 40610QOTD: 40611 "Unlucky? If I bought a pumpkin farm, they'd cancel Halloween." 40612% 40613QOTD: 40614 "What do you mean, you had the dog fixed? Just what made you 40615 think he was broken!" 40616% 40617QOTD: 40618 "What I like most about myself is that I'm so understanding 40619 when I mess things up." 40620% 40621QOTD: 40622 "What women and psychologists call `dropping your armor', we call 40623 "baring your neck." 40624% 40625QOTD: 40626 "Who? Me? No, no, NO!! But I do sell rugs." 40627% 40628QOTD: 40629 "Wouldn't it be wonderful if real life supported control-Z?" 40630% 40631QOTD: 40632 "Y'know how s'm people treat th'r body like a TEMPLE? 40633 Well, I treat mine like 'n AMUSEMENT PARK... S'great..." 40634% 40635QOTD: 40636 "You want me to put *holes* in my ears and hang things from them? 40637 How... tribal." 40638% 40639QOTD: 40640 "You're so dumb you don't even have wisdom teeth." 40641% 40642Quack! 40643 Quack!! Quack!! 40644% 40645Quality control: 40646 Assuring that the quality of a product does not get out of hand 40647 and add to the cost of its manufacture or design. 40648% 40649Quality Control, n.: 40650 The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off 40651a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works. 40652% 40653Quantity is no substitute for quality, 40654but its the only one we've got. 40655% 40656Quantum Mechanics is a lovely introduction to Hilbert Spaces! 40657 -- Overheard at last year's Archimedeans' Garden Party 40658% 40659Quantum Mechanics is God's version of "Trust me." 40660% 40661QUARK: 40662 The sound made by a well bred duck. 40663% 40664Quark! Quark! Beware the quantum duck! 40665% 40666Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in 40667exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday. Mannis feels he must 40668devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might emanate 40669from a recent statement he made comparing New York Mayor Ed Koch to 40670Nazi Martin Bormann. A spokesman from the Bormann estate said they are 40671weighing the odds of a slander suit. Mayor Koch could naturally be 40672reached for comment, but we chose not to listen. 40673 -- Dennis Miller 40674% 40675question = ( to ) ? be : ! be; 40676 -- William Shakespeare 40677% 40678QUESTION AUTHORITY. 40679 40680(Sez who?) 40681% 40682Question: Is it better to abide by the rules until 40683they're changed or help speed the change by breaking them? 40684% 40685Questionable day. 40686Ask somebody something. 40687% 40688Question: 40689Man Invented Alcohol, 40690God Invented Grass. 40691Who do you trust? 40692% 40693Questions are never indiscreet, answers sometimes are. 40694 -- Oscar Wilde 40695% 40696Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened! 40697% 40698Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!! 40699% 40700Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur. 40701 40702(Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.) 40703% 40704Quigley's Law: 40705 Whoever has any authority over you, no matter how small, will 40706attempt to use it. 40707% 40708Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away. 40709 -- Robert Orben 40710% 40711Quite frankly, I don't like you humans. 40712After what you all have done, I find being "inhuman" a compliment. 40713% 40714QUOTE OF THE DAY: 40715 40716 ` 40717 40718% 40719Qvid me anxivs svm? 40720% 40721QWERT (kwirt), n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth]: 40722 1. a unit of weight equal to 13 poiuyt avoirdupois (or 1.69 40723kiloliks), commonly used in structural engineering; 2. [colloq.] one 40724thirteenth the load that a fully grown sligo can carry; 3. [anat.] a 40725painful irritation of the dermis in the region of the anus; 4. [slang] 40726person who excites in others the symptoms of a qwert. 40727 -- Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed. 40728% 40729Radicalism: 40730 The conservatism of tomorrow injected into the affairs of today. 40731 -- Ambrose Bierce 40732% 40733RADIO SHACK LEVEL II BASIC 40734READY 40735>_ 40736% 40737Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. 40738% 40739Raffiniert ist der Herrgott aber boshaft ist er nicht. 40740 -- Albert Einstein 40741% 40742rain falls where clouds come 40743sun shines where clouds go 40744clouds just come and go 40745 -- Florian Gutzwiller 40746% 40747Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down. 40748% 40749Rainy days and Mondays always get me down. 40750% 40751Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity. 40752% 40753Ralph's Observation: 40754It is a mistake to let any mechanical object 40755realise that you are in a hurry. 40756% 40757RAM wasn't built in a day. 40758% 40759Random, n.: 40760 as in number, predictable. 40761 as in memory access, unpredictable. 40762% 40763Rarely do people communicate; they just take turns talking. 40764% 40765Rascal, am I? Take THAT! 40766 -- Errol Flynn 40767% 40768Rate yourself on the nerd-o-matic scale. (1 point for each YES answer) 40769 40770Are your glasses mended with a strip of masking tape right over your nose? 40771Do you put pennies in the slots in your penny loafers? 40772Does your bow-tie flash "hey you kid" in red neon at parties? 40773Do you think pizza before noon is unhealthy? 40774Do you use the "greasy kid's stuff" to stick down your cowlick? 40775Do you wear a "nerd-pack" in your shirt pocket to keep the dozen 40776 or so pencils from marking the cloth? 40777Do you think Mary Jane is somebody's name? 40778Is illegal fishing something only a daring criminal would do? 40779Is Batman your hero? Superman? Green Lantern? The Shadow? 40780Do you think girls who kiss on the first date are loose? 40781 407820-2 -- You are really hip, a real cool cat, a hoopy frood. 407833-5 -- There is hope for you yet. 407846-7 -- Uh-oh, trouble in River City. 407858-10 -- Your immortal soul is in peril. 4078611+ -- Does suicide seem attractive? 40787% 40788Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something I 40789saw at the airport... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of computer 40790magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport store. Does it 40791bother anyone else that half the world is being told all of our hard-won 40792secrets of computer technology? Remember how all the lawyers cried foul 40793when "How to Avoid Probate" was published? Are they taking no-fault 40794insurance lying down? No way! But at the current rate it won't be long 40795before there are stacks of the "Transactions on Information Theory" at the 40796A&P checkout counters. Who's going to be impressed with us electrical 40797engineers then? Are we, as the saying goes, giving away the store? 40798 -- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE president 40799% 40800Ray's Rule of Precision: 40801 Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe. 40802% 40803Razors pain you; 40804Rivers are damp; 40805Acids stain you; 40806And drugs cause cramp. 40807Guns aren't lawful; 40808Nooses give; 40809Gas smells awful; 40810You might as well live. 40811 -- Dorothy Parker, "Resume", 1926 40812% 40813Re: Graphics: 40814 A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe 40815 the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately 40816 described with pictures. 40817% 40818Reach into the thoughts of friends, 40819And find they do not know your name. 40820Squeeze the teddy bear too tight, 40821And watch the feathers burst the seams. 40822Touch the stained glass with your cheek, 40823And feel its chill upon your blood. 40824Hold a candle to the night, 40825And see the darkness bend the flame. 40826Tear the mask of peace from God, 40827And hear the roar of souls in hell. 40828Pluck a rose in name of love, 40829And watch the petals curl and wilt. 40830Lean upon the western wind, 40831And know you are alone. 40832 -- Dru Mims 40833% 40834Reactor error - core dumped! 40835% 40836Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of 40837Congress. But I repeat myself. 40838 -- Mark Twain 40839% 40840Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own. 40841% 40842Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body. 40843% 40844Reagan can't act either. 40845% 40846Real computer scientists admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic 40847value but they find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is 40848much too large to implement. Most computer scientists don't notice 40849this because they are still arguing over what else to add to ADA. 40850% 40851Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware 40852has limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing 40853machines are so poor at I/O. 40854% 40855Real computer scientists don't comment their code. The identifiers are 40856so long they can't afford the disk space. 40857% 40858Real computer scientists don't program in assembler. They don't write 40859in anything less portable than a number two pencil. 40860% 40861Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker with 40862`programming systems', but those are so high level that they hardly count 40863(and rarely count accurately; precision is for applications). 40864% 40865Real computer scientists like having a computer on their desk, else how 40866could they read their mail? 40867% 40868Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run on 40869future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo sapiens 40870will ever be able to fit on a single planet. 40871% 40872Real programmers disdain structured programming. Structured 40873programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet- 40874trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up pencils on otherwise 40875clear desks. 40876% 40877Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine 40878doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell 40879quiche. 40880% 40881Real programmers don't document; if it was 40882hard to write, it should be hard to understand. 40883% 40884Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the 40885illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much 40886good it did them. 40887% 40888Real Programmers don't eat quiche. They eat Twinkies and Szechwan food. 40889% 40890Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires 40891you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers 40892wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly 40893spring up in the middle of the machine room. 40894% 40895Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write 40896in BASIC after reaching puberty. 40897% 40898Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress 40899freaks and crystallography weenies. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who 40900wear white socks. 40901% 40902Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for programmers who 40903can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN. 40904% 40905Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue. 40906% 40907Real programs don't eat cache. 40908% 40909Real Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they use 40910functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them? 40911% 40912Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness. 40913This process doesn't necessarily involve execution of anything on a 40914computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package. 40915% 40916Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and 40917greasy hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any 40918moment. They have a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that 40919systems could be virtual at *___all* levels. They would like personal 40920computers (you know no one's going to trip over something and kill your 40921DFA in mid-transit), except that they need 8 megabytes to run their 40922Correctness Verification Aid packages. 40923% 40924Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the 40925job is described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like 40926using an undocumented external procedure. 40927% 40928Real Time, adj.: 40929 Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there 40930 and then. 40931% 40932Real Users are afraid they'll break the machine -- but they're never 40933afraid to break your face. 40934% 40935Real Users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts 40936down the system for days. 40937% 40938Real Users hate Real Programmers. 40939% 40940Real Users know your home telephone number. 40941% 40942Real Users never know what they want, but they always know when your 40943program doesn't deliver it. 40944% 40945Real Users never use the Help key. 40946% 40947Real wealth can only increase. 40948 -- R. Buckminster Fuller 40949% 40950Real World, The n.: 40951 1. In programming, those institutions at which programming may 40952be used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc. 2. To 40953programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities not related 40954to programming. 3. A universe in which the standard dress is shirt and 40955tie and in which a person's working hours are defined as 9 to 5. 409564. The location of the status quo. 5. Anywhere outside a university. 40957"Poor fellow, he's left MIT and gone into the real world." Used 40958pejoratively by those not in residence there. In conversation, talking 40959of someone who has entered the real world is not unlike talking about a 40960deceased person. 40961% 40962Reality -- what a concept! 40963 -- Robin Williams 40964% 40965Reality always seems harsher in the early morning. 40966% 40967Reality does not exist - yet. 40968% 40969Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle drugs. 40970% 40971Reality is an obstacle to hallucination. 40972% 40973Reality is bad enough, why should I tell the truth? 40974 -- Patrick Sky 40975% 40976Reality is for people who can't deal with drugs. 40977 -- Lily Tomlin 40978% 40979Reality is for people who lack imagination. 40980% 40981Reality is for those who can't face Science Fiction. 40982% 40983Reality is just a convenient measure of complexity. 40984 -- Alvy Ray Smith 40985% 40986Reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction. 40987% 40988Reality is nothing but a collective hunch. 40989 -- Lily Tomlin 40990% 40991Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away. 40992 -- Philip K. Dick 40993% 40994Reality must take precedence over public relations, for Mother Nature 40995cannot be fooled. 40996 -- R. P. Feynman 40997% 40998Really?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!! 40999% 41000Reappraisal, n.: 41001 An abrupt change of mind after being found out. 41002% 41003Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it. 41004 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" 41005% 41006Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than 41007being flat broke and having a stomach ache. 41008 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" 41009% 41010Recent investments will yield a slight profit. 41011% 41012Recent research has tended to show that the Abominable No-Man 41013is being replaced by the Prohibitive Procrastinator. 41014 -- C. N. Parkinson 41015% 41016Recently deceased blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan "comes to" after 41017his death. He sees Jimi Hendrix sitting next to him, tuning his guitar. 41018"Holy cow," he thinks to himself, "this guy is my idol." Over at the 41019microphone, about to sing, are Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin, and the 41020bassist is the late Barry Oakley of the Allman Brothers. So Stevie 41021Ray's thinking, "Oh, wow! I've died and gone to rock and roll heaven." 41022Just then, Karen Carpenter walks in, sits down at the drums, and says: 41023"'Close to You'. Hit it, boys!" 41024 -- Told by Penn Jillette, of magic/comedy duo Penn and Teller 41025% 41026Reception area, n.: 41027 The purgatory where office visitors are condemned to spend 41028 innumerable hours reading dog-eared back issues of trade 41029 magazines like Modern Plastics, Chain Saw Age, and Chicken World, 41030 while the receptionist blithely reads her own trade magazine -- 41031 Cosmopolitan. 41032% 41033Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you 41034lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict, 41035but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and 41036Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 recessions. 41037% 41038Recipe for a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster: 41039 (1) Take the juice from one bottle of Ol' Janx Spirit 41040 (2) Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of 41041 Santraginus V (Oh, those Santraginean fish!) 41042 (3) Allow 3 cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the 41043 mixture (properly iced or the benzine is lost.) 41044 (4) Allow four liters of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it. 41045 (5) Over the back of a silver spoon, float a measure of 41046 Qualactin Hypermint extract. 41047 (6) Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger. Watch it dissolve. 41048 (7) Sprinkle Zamphuor. 41049 (8) Add an olive. 41050 (9) Drink... but... very carefully... 41051 -- Douglas Adams 41052% 41053Reclaimer, spare that tree! 41054Take not a single bit! 41055It used to point to me, 41056Now I'm protecting it. 41057It was the reader's CONS 41058That made it, paired by dot; 41059Now, GC, for the nonce, 41060Thou shalt reclaim it not. 41061% 41062Recursion is the root of computation 41063since it trades description for time. 41064% 41065Recursion: n. See Recursion. 41066 -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary 41067% 41068Regardless of whether a mission expands or contracts, 41069administrative overhead continues to grow at a steady rate. 41070% 41071Regnant populi. 41072% 41073Regression analysis: 41074 Mathematical techniques for trying to understand why things are 41075 getting worse. 41076% 41077Reichel's Law: 41078 A body on vacation tends to remain on vacation unless acted upon by 41079 an outside force. 41080% 41081Reinhart was never his mother's favorite -- and he was an only child. 41082 -- Thomas Berger 41083% 41084Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia: 41085 If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it. 41086% 41087Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven't the remotest 41088knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die. 41089 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Importance of Being Earnest" 41090% 41091...relaxed in the manner of a man who 41092has no need to put up a front of any kind. 41093 -- John Ball, "Mark One: the Dummy" 41094% 41095Reliable source, n.: 41096 The guy you just met. 41097% 41098Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin. 41099 -- Anatole France 41100% 41101Religion is a crutch, but that's okay... humanity is a cripple. 41102% 41103Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. 41104 -- Napoleon 41105% 41106Religions revolve madly around sexual questions. 41107% 41108Rembrandt is not to be compared in the painting of character with our 41109extraordinarily gifted English artist, Mr. Rippingille. 41110 -- John Hunt, British editor, scholar and art critic 41111 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak" 41112% 41113Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it. 41114 -- Dave Barry 41115% 41116Remember -- only 10% of anything can be in the top 10%. 41117% 41118Remember Darwin; building a better 41119mousetrap merely results in smarter mice. 41120% 41121Remember, DESSERT is spelled with two `s's while DESERT is spelled 41122with one, because EVERYONE wants two desserts, but NO ONE wants two 41123deserts. 41124 -- Miss Oglethorp, Gr. 5, PS. 59 41125% 41126Remember, drive defensively! And of course, the best defense is a good 41127offense! 41128% 41129Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat. 41130% 41131Remember folks. Street lights timed for 35 MPH are also timed for 70 MPH. 41132 -- Jim Samuels 41133% 41134Remember, God could only create the world in 6 days because he didn't 41135have an established user base. 41136% 41137Remember, Grasshopper, falling down 1000 stairs begins by tripping over 41138the first one. 41139 -- Confusion 41140% 41141Remember, if it's being done correctly, here or abroad, it's 41142*not* the U.S. Army doing it! 41143 -- "Good Morning, Vietnam" 41144% 41145Remember kids, if there's a loaded gun in the room, be sure 41146that you're the one holding it. 41147 -- Mr. Greenfatigues 41148% 41149Remember, no matter where you go, there you are. 41150 -- Buckaroo Banzai (Peter Weller) 41151 "The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai 41152 Across The Eighth Dimension" 41153% 41154Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life. 41155 -- Dave Butler 41156% 41157Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when 41158you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. 41159 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 41160% 41161Remember that there is an outside world to see and enjoy. 41162 -- Hans Liepmann 41163% 41164Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be 41165worse in Cleveland. 41166 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 41167% 41168Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular? 41169% 41170Remember the... the... uhh..... 41171% 41172Remember thee 41173Ay, thou poor ghost while memory holds a seat 41174In this distracted globe. Remember thee! 41175Yea, from the table of my memory 41176I'll wipe away all trivial fond records, 41177All saws of books, all forms, all pressures past, 41178That youth and observation copied there. 41179 -- William Shakespeare, "Hamlet" 41180% 41181Remember to say hello to your bank teller. 41182% 41183Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU. 41184 -- Mt. 41185% 41186Remember: use logout to logout. 41187% 41188Remembering is for those who have forgotten. 41189 -- Chinese proverb 41190% 41191Remove me from this land of slaves, 41192Where all are fools, and all are knaves, 41193Where every knave and fool is bought, 41194Yet kindly sells himself for nought; 41195 -- Jonathan Swift 41196% 41197Removing the straw that broke the camel's back 41198does not necessarily allow the camel to walk again. 41199% 41200Renning's Maxim: 41201 Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying. 41202% 41203Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late. 41204 -- Mark Twain 41205% 41206Repel them. Repel them. Induce them to relinquish the spheroid. 41207 -- Indiana University football cheer 41208% 41209Reply hazy, ask again later. 41210% 41211Reporter: "How did you like school when you were growing up, Yogi?" 41212Yogi Berra: "Closed." 41213% 41214Reporter: "What would you do if you found a million dollars?" 41215Yogi Berra: "If the guy was poor, I would give it back." 41216% 41217Reporter, n.: 41218 A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a 41219 tempest of words. 41220 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 41221% 41222REPORTER: Senator, are you for or against the MX missile system? 41223 41224SENATOR: Bob, the MX missile system reminds me of an old saying that 41225the country folk in my state like to say. It goes like this: "You can 41226carry a pig for six miles, but if you set it down it might run away." 41227I have no idea why the country folk say this. Maybe there's some kind 41228of chemical pollutant in their drinking water. That is why I pledge to 41229do all that I can to protect the environment of this great nation of 41230ours, and put prayer back in the schools, where it belongs. What we 41231need is jobs, not empty promises. I realize I'm risking my political 41232career by being so outspoken on a sensitive issue such as the MX, but 41233that's just the kind of straight-talking honest person I am, and I 41234can't help it. 41235 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics" 41236% 41237Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): 41238 Mr. Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization? 41239Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea. 41240% 41241Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians and eyebrows. 41242Democrats raise Airedales, kids and taxes. 41243 41244Democrats eat the fish they catch. 41245Republicans hang them on the wall. 41246 41247Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry 41248Republican girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first. 41249 41250Democrats make up plans and then do something else. 41251Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made. 41252 41253Republicans sleep in twin beds -- some even in separate rooms. 41254That is why there are more Democrats. 41255 -- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules" 41256% 41257Reputation, adj.: 41258 What others are not thinking about you. 41259% 41260Research is the best place to be: you work your buns off, and if it works 41261you're a hero; if it doesn't, well -- nobody else has done it yet either, 41262so you're still a valiant nerd. 41263% 41264Research is to see what everybody else has seen, 41265and think what nobody else has thought. 41266% 41267Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. 41268 -- Wernher von Braun 41269% 41270Research, n.: 41271 Consider Columbus: 41272 He didn't know where he was going. 41273 When he got there he didn't know where he was. 41274 When he got back he didn't know where he had been. 41275 And he did it all on someone else's money. 41276% 41277Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get 41278another chance later on. 41279% 41280Responsibility: 41281 Everyone says that having power is a great responsibility. This is 41282a lot of bunk. Responsibility is when someone can blame you if something 41283goes wrong. When you have power you are surrounded by people whose job it 41284is to take the blame for your mistakes. If they're smart, that is. 41285 -- Cerebus, "On Governing" 41286% 41287Retirement means that when someone says "Have a nice day", you 41288actually have a shot at it. 41289% 41290Reunite Gondwanaland! 41291% 41292Rev. Jim: What does an amber light mean? 41293Bobby: Slow down. 41294Rev. Jim: What... does... an... amber... light... mean? 41295Bobby: Slow down. 41296Rev. Jim: What.... does.... an.... amber.... light.... 41297% 41298Revenge is a form of nostalgia. 41299% 41300Revenge is a meal best served cold. 41301% 41302Review Questions 41303 41304(1) If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH, 41305 and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before 41306 he exceeds the speed of light? How long will it be before the 41307 Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship? 41308 41309(2) If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks 41310 twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks 41311 every bone in his body? How long will it be before they cut off 41312 his insurance? Where does he get a new car every week? 41313 41314(3) If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers 41315 the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in a 41316 pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King 41317 Tut's? When will it fall on him? Will he notice? 41318% 41319Revolution, n: 41320 A form of government abroad. 41321% 41322Revolution, n.: 41323 In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment. 41324 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 41325% 41326Revolutionary, adj.: 41327 Repackaged. 41328% 41329Rhode's Law: 41330 When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, 41331circumstance, or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, 41332empirically, or circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred, 41333induced, deducted, estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always 41334for the purpose of convenience, expediency, political advantage, 41335material gain, or personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or 41336none of the above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed, 41337proclaimed, and adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably, 41338universally, immutably, and infinitely so, until such time as it 41339becomes advantageous to assume otherwise, maybe. 41340% 41341Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men 41342should be happier than others. 41343 -- Oscar Wilde 41344% 41345Richard Nixon was the most dishonest individual I have ever met in my life. 41346He lied to his wife, his family, his friends, his colleagues in the Congress, 41347lifetime members of his own political party, the American people, and the 41348world. 41349 -- Barry Goldwater 41350% 41351Riches cover a multitude of woes. 41352 -- Menander 41353% 41354Rick: "How can you close me up? On what grounds?" 41355Renault: "I'm shocked! Shocked! To find that gambling is 41356 going on here." 41357Croupier (handing money to Renault): 41358 "Your winnings, sir." 41359Renault: "Oh. Thank you very much." 41360 -- "Casablanca" (1942) 41361% 41362Riffle West Virginia is so small that the 41363Boy Scout had to double as the town drunk. 41364% 41365Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. 41366 -- Steven Wright 41367% 41368Righteous people terrify me ... virtue is its own punishment. 41369 -- Aneurin Bevan 41370% 41371"Rights" is a fictional abstraction. No one has "Rights", neither 41372machines nor flesh-and-blood. Persons... have opportunities, not 41373rights, which they use or do not use. 41374 -- Lazarus Long 41375% 41376Ring around the collar. 41377% 41378Ritchie's Rule: 41379 (1) Everything has some value -- if you use the right currency. 41380 (2) Paint splashes last longer than the paint job. 41381 (3) Search and ye shall find -- but make sure it was lost. 41382% 41383Robot, n.: 41384 Someone who's been made by a scientist. 41385% 41386Robot, n.: 41387 University administrator. 41388% 41389Robustness, adj.: 41390 Never having to say you're sorry. 41391% 41392Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention 41393 Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will 41394 reject the proposal. 41395% 41396Romance, like alcohol, should be enjoyed, but should not be allowed to 41397become necessary. 41398 -- Edgar Friedenberg 41399% 41400Rome was not built in one day. 41401 -- John Heywood 41402% 41403Rome wasn't burnt in a day. 41404% 41405ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much. 41406MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church- 41407 door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve. 41408% 41409Romeo was restless, he was ready to kill, 41410He jumped out the window 'cause he couldn't sit still, 41411Juliet was waiting with a safety net, 41412Said "don't bury me 'cause I ain't dead yet". 41413 -- Elvis Costello 41414% 41415Romeo wasn't bilked in a day. 41416 -- Walt Kelly, "Ten Ever-Lovin' Blue-Eyed Years With 41417 Pogo" 41418% 41419Roses are red; 41420 Violets are blue. 41421I'm schizophrenic, 41422 And so am I. 41423% 41424Rotten wood cannot be carved. 41425 -- Confucius, "Analects", Book 5, Ch. 9 41426% 41427Round Numbers are always false. 41428 -- Samuel Johnson 41429% 41430Row, row, row your bits, gently down the stream... 41431% 41432Rubber bands have snappy endings! 41433% 41434Rube Walker: "Hey, Yogi, what time is it?" 41435Yogi Berra: "You mean now?" 41436% 41437Rudd's Discovery: 41438 You know that any senator or congressman could go home and make 41439 $300,000 to $400,000, but they don't. Why? Because they can 41440 stay in Washington and make it there. 41441% 41442Rudeness is a weak man's imitation of strength. 41443% 41444Rudin's Law: 41445 If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will do it 41446every time. 41447% 41448Rudin's Second Law: 41449 In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative 41450courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible course. 41451% 41452Rugby, n.: 41453 Elegant violence. 41454 41455 (Rugby players eat their dead.) 41456 (Blood makes the grass grow!) 41457 (Support your local hooker! Play rugby!) 41458 41459 [A "hooker" is part of the scrum. Thought you'd want to know. Ed.] 41460% 41461RUGGED: 41462 Too heavy to lift. 41463% 41464Rule #1: 41465 The Boss is always right. 41466 41467Rule #2: 41468 If the Boss is wrong, see Rule #1. 41469% 41470Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London: 41471 Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall 41472be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person 41473shall be deemed to be a cat. 41474% 41475Rule #7: Silence is not acquiescence. 41476 Contrary to what you may have heard, silence of those present is 41477not necessarily consent, even the reluctant variety. They simply may 41478sit in stunned silence and figure ways of sabotaging the plan after they 41479regain their composure. 41480% 41481Rule of Creative Research: 41482 (1) Never draw what you can copy. 41483 (2) Never copy what you can trace. 41484 (3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. 41485% 41486Rule of Defactualization: 41487 Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies. 41488% 41489Rule of Feline Frustration: 41490 When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly 41491content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom. 41492% 41493Rule of Life #1 -- Never get separated from your luggage. 41494% 41495Rule of the Great: 41496 When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep 41497thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch. 41498% 41499Rule the Empire through force. 41500 -- Shogun Tokugawa 41501% 41502Rules: 41503 (1) The boss is always right. 41504 (2) When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 1. 41505% 41506Rules for Academic Deans: 41507 (1) HIDE!!!! 41508 (2) If they find you, LIE!!!! 41509 -- Father Damian C. Fandal 41510% 41511Rules for driving in New York: 41512 (1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal. 41513 (2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers on. 41514 (3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the 41515 intersection. 41516% 41517Rules for Good Grammar #4. 41518 1: Don't use no double negatives. 41519 2: Make each pronoun agree with their antecedents. 41520 3: Join clauses good, like a conjunction should. 41521 4: About them sentence fragments. 41522 5: When dangling, watch your participles. 41523 6: Verbs has got to agree with their subjects. 41524 7: Just between you and i, case is important. 41525 8: Don't write run-on sentences when they are hard to read. 41526 9: Don't use commas, which aren't necessary. 4152710: Try to not ever split infinitives. 4152811: It is important to use your apostrophe's correctly. 4152912: Proofread your writing to see if you any words out. 4153013: Correct speling is essential. 4153114: A preposition is something you never end a sentence with. 4153215: While a transcendent vocabulary is laudable, one must be eternally 41533 careful so that the calculated objective of communication does not 41534 become ensconced in obscurity. In other words, eschew obfuscation. 41535% 41536Rules for Writers: 41537 Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read. Don't use no double 41538negatives. Use the semicolon properly, always use it where it is appropriate; 41539and never where it isn't. Reserve the apostrophe for it's proper use and 41540omit it when its not needed. No sentence fragments. Avoid commas, that are 41541unnecessary. Eschew dialect, irregardless. And don't start a sentence with 41542a conjunction. Hyphenate between sy-llables and avoid un-necessary hyphens. 41543Write all adverbial forms correct. Don't use contractions in formal writing. 41544Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. It is incumbent on 41545us to avoid archaisms. Steer clear of incorrect forms of verbs that have 41546snuck in the language. Never, ever use repetitive redundancies. If I've 41547told you once, I've told you a thousand times, resist hyperbole. Also, 41548avoid awkward or affected alliteration. Don't string too many prepositional 41549phrases together unless you are walking through the valley of the shadow of 41550death. "Avoid overuse of 'quotation "marks."'" 41551% 41552RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED 41553 (1) Never eat on an empty stomach. 41554 (2) Never leave the table hungry. 41555 (3) When traveling, never leave a country hungry. 41556 (4) Enjoy your food. 41557 (5) Enjoy your companion's food. 41558 (6) Really taste your food. It may take several portions to 41559 accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned. 41560 (7) Really feel your food. Texture is important. Compare, 41561 for example, the texture of a turnip to that of a 41562 brownie. Which feels better against your cheeks? 41563 (8) Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal. 41564 (9) Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You 41565 can always eat it later. 41566 (10) Avoid any wine with a childproof cap. 41567 (11) Avoid blue food. 41568 -- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet" 41569% 41570Ruling a big country is like cooking a small fish. 41571 -- Lao Tsu 41572% 41573Rune's Rule: 41574 If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost. 41575% 41576Russia has abolished God, but so far God has been more tolerant. 41577 -- John Cameron Swayze 41578% 41579Ruth made a great mistake when he gave up pitching. Working once a week, 41580he might have lasted a long time and become a great star. 41581 -- Tris Speaker, commenting on Babe Ruth's plan to change 41582 from being a pitcher to an outfielder. 41583 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak" 41584% 41585Ryan's Law: 41586 Make three correct guesses consecutively 41587 and you will establish yourself as an expert. 41588% 41589RYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRY 41590RY RY 41591RY WELCOME TO THE BABBAGE ANALYTICAL TIMESHARING SERVICE RY 41592RY * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * RY 41593RY RY 41594RY PLEASE NOTE THAT THE INTEGRATOR IS CURRENTLY UNAVAILABLE RY 41595RY DUE TO THE WEEKLY GREASING SCHEDULE. WOULD ALL USERS KINDLY RY 41596RY RETURN ANY UNUSED PLUGBOARDS, AS THE PROGRAMMING TEAM ARE RY 41597RY RUNNING LOW. DIVISION UNIT 3 WILL BE OUT OF ACTION UNTIL RY 41598RY THURSDAY DUE TO EMERGENCY COG REPLACEMENT - PLEASE ENSURE RY 41599RY THAT YOUR PROGRAM DOES NOT ATTEMPT TO DIVIDE BY ZERO AS RY 41600RY THIS CAN CAUSE SEVERE DAMAGE (INCLUDING SHAFT BREAKAGES). RY 41601RY RY 41602RYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRY 41603. 41604. 41605SYSTEM READY. 41606? 41607 -- Chris Suslowicz 41608% 41609Sacher's Observation: 41610 Some people grow with responsibility -- others merely swell. 41611% 41612Sacred cows make great hamburgers. 41613% 41614SADISM: 41615 A sadist refusing to whip a masochist. 41616% 41617Sadoequinecrophilia, n.: 41618 Beating a dead horse. 41619% 41620Safety Third. 41621% 41622Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence 41623 Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead. 41624 41625 1. Little things start bothering you: little things like worms, 41626 bugs, ants. 41627 2. Something is missing in your personal relationships. 41628 3. Your dog becomes overly affectionate. 41629 4. You have a hard time getting a waiter. 41630 5. Exotic birds flock around you. 41631 6. People ignore you at parties. 41632 7. You have a hard time getting up in the morning. 41633 8. You no longer get off on cocaine. 41634% 41635SAGDEEV CALLED ON THE U.S. TO MAKE A RECIPROCAL GESTURE: 41636 41637 In a recent speech in London, the irrepressible former head of the 41638Soviet Space Research Institute noted that the Soviet Government has offered 41639to convert its gigantic Krasnoyarsk radar in Siberia into an international 41640space research facility in response to U.S. complaints that the radar would 41641violate the ABM treaty. Sagdeev suggested that the U.S. reciprocate by 41642turning the unfinished U.S. embassy in Moscow into a nuclear crisis reduction 41643center. The communication system, he pointed out, is already in place. 41644% 41645SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21) 41646 You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless 41647 tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority 41648 of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People 41649 laugh at you a great deal. 41650% 41651SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21) 41652 Move slowly today, be deliberate. Indications are for bleeding 41653 ulcers. Drink milk. Try not to be your usual offensive and 41654 obnoxious self. Call your mother. 41655% 41656SAGITTARIUS (Nov.22 - Dec.21) 41657 Your efforts to help a little old lady cross a street will 41658 backfire when you learn that she was waiting for a bus. Subdue 41659 impulse you have to push her out into traffic. 41660% 41661Said the attractive, cigar-smoking housewife to her girl-friend: "I 41662got started one night when George came home and found one burning in 41663the ashtray." 41664% 41665Sailing is fun, but scrubbing the decks is aardvark. 41666 -- Heard on Noah's ark 41667% 41668Sailors in ships, sail on! 41669Even while we died, others rode out the storm. 41670% 41671Saints should always be judged guilty until they are proved innocent. 41672 -- George Orwell, "Reflections on Gandhi" 41673% 41674Saliva causes cancer, but only if swallowed 41675in small amounts over a long period of time. 41676 -- George Carlin 41677% 41678Sally: C'mon, Ted, all I'm asking you to do is share your feelings 41679 with me. 41680Ted: ALL? Do you realize what you're asking? Men aren't trained 41681 to share. We're trained to protect ourselves by not 41682 letting anyone too close. Good grief, if I go around 41683 sharing everything with you, you could hang me out to dry. 41684Sally: It's called "trust," Ted. 41685Ted: "Sharing"? "Trust"? You're really asking me to sail into 41686 uncharted waters here. 41687 -- Sally Forth 41688% 41689Sam: What's going on, Normie? 41690Norm: My birthday, Sammy. Give me a beer, stick a candle in 41691 it, and I'll blow out my liver. 41692 -- Cheers, Where Have All the Floorboards Gone 41693 41694Woody: Hey, Mr. P. How goes the search for Mr. Clavin? 41695Norm: Not as well as the search for Mr. Donut. 41696 Found him every couple of blocks. 41697 -- Cheers, Head Over Hill 41698% 41699Sam: What do you know there, Norm? 41700Norm: How to sit. How to drink. Want to quiz me? 41701 -- Cheers, Loverboyd 41702 41703Sam: Hey, how's life treating you there, Norm? 41704Norm: Beats me. ... Then it kicks me and leaves me for dead. 41705 -- Cheers, Loverboyd 41706 41707Woody: How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson? 41708Norm: Pretty nervous if I was in the room. 41709 -- Cheers, Loverboyd 41710% 41711Sam: What's the good word, Norm? 41712Norm: Plop, plop, fizz, fizz. 41713Sam: Oh no, not the Hungry Heifer... 41714Norm: Yeah, yeah, yeah... 41715Sam: One heartburn cocktail coming up. 41716 -- Cheers, I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday 41717 41718Sam: Whaddya say, Norm? 41719Norm: Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink. And down it goes. 41720 -- Cheers, Love Thy Neighbor 41721 41722Woody: What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson? 41723Norm: Boxer shorts and loose shoes. But I'll settle for a beer. 41724 -- Cheers, The Bar Stoolie 41725% 41726Sam: What do you say, Norm? 41727Norm: Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer. 41728 -- Cheers, Birth, Death, Love and Rice 41729 41730Sam: What do you say to a beer, Normie? 41731Norm: Hiya, sailor. New in town? 41732 -- Cheers, Woody Goes Belly Up 41733 41734Norm: [coming in from the rain] Evening, everybody. 41735All: Norm! (Norman.) 41736Sam: Still pouring, Norm? 41737Norm: That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing. 41738 -- Cheers, Diane's Nightmare 41739% 41740Sam: What's new, Norm? 41741Norm: Most of my wife. 41742 -- Cheers, The Spy Who Came in for a Cold One 41743 41744Coach: Beer, Norm? 41745Norm: Naah, I'd probably just drink it. 41746 -- Cheers, Now Pitching, Sam Malone 41747 41748Coach: What's doing, Norm? 41749Norm: Well, science is seeking a cure for thirst. I happen 41750 to be the guinea pig. 41751 -- Cheers, Let Me Count the Ways 41752% 41753SAN DIEGO: 41754 Four million people, where you can't get a 41755 good cheeseburger, no matter how hard you try. 41756% 41757San Francisco has always been my favorite booing city. I don't mean the 41758people boo louder or longer, but there is a very special intimacy. When 41759they boo you, you know they mean *you*. Music, that's what it is to me. 41760One time in Kezar Stadium they gave me a standing boo. 41761 -- George Halas, professional football coach 41762% 41763San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was. 41764 -- Herb Caen 41765% 41766San Francisco, n.: 41767 Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse. 41768% 41769Sanity and insanity overlap a fine grey line. 41770% 41771Sanity is the trademark of a weak mind. 41772 -- Mark Harrold 41773% 41774Sank heaven for leetle curls. 41775% 41776Santa Claus is watching! 41777% 41778Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, 41779 He must be a communist. 41780And a beard and long hair, 41781 Must be a pacifist. 41782 41783 What's in that pipe that he's smoking? 41784 -- Arlo Guthrie 41785% 41786Santa Claus wears a red suit 41787He's a Communist. 41788 41789He has long hair and a beard 41790Must be a pacifist. 41791 41792And what's in the pipe that he's smoking? 41793 41794Santa Claus comes in your house at night. 41795He must be a dope fiend to get you up tight. 41796 41797Why do police guys beat on peace guys? 41798 -- Arlo Guthrie, "The Pause of Mr. Claus" 41799% 41800Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses. 41801% 41802Satellite Safety Tip #14: 41803 If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck. 41804% 41805Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone. 41806% 41807Satire is tragedy plus time. 41808 -- Lenny Bruce 41809% 41810Satire is what closes in New Haven. 41811% 41812Satire is what closes Saturday night. 41813 -- George Kaufman 41814% 41815Sattinger's Law: 41816 It works better if you plug it in. 41817% 41818Saturday night in Toledo Ohio, 41819Is like being nowhere at all, 41820All through the day how the hours rush by, 41821You sit in the park and you watch the grass die. 41822 -- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio" 41823% 41824Satyrs have more faun. 41825% 41826Sauron is alive in Argentina! 41827% 41828Savage's Law of Expediency: 41829 You want it bad, you'll get it bad. 41830% 41831Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be 41832surprised at how little you have. 41833 -- Ernest Haskins 41834% 41835Save a tree -- kill an ISO working group today. 41836 -- Jason Zions 41837% 41838Save energy: Drive a smaller shell. 41839% 41840Save energy: be apathetic. 41841% 41842Save gas, don't eat beans. 41843% 41844Save gas, don't use the shell. 41845% 41846Save the bales! 41847% 41848Save the whales. Collect the whole set. 41849% 41850Save the Whales -- Harpoon a Honda. 41851% 41852Save yourself! Reboot in 5 seconds! 41853% 41854Say! You've struck a heap of trouble-- 41855Bust in business, lost your wife; 41856No one cares a cent about you, 41857You don't care a cent for life; 41858Hard luck has of hope bereft you, 41859Health is failing, wish you'd die-- 41860Why, you've still the sunshine left you 41861And the big blue sky. 41862 -- R. W. Service 41863% 41864Say it with flowers, 41865Or say it with mink, 41866But whatever you do, 41867Don't say it with ink! 41868 -- Jimmie Durante 41869% 41870Say many of cameras focused t'us, 41871Our middle-aged shots do us justice. 41872No justice, please, curse ye! 41873We really want mercy: 41874You see, 'tis the justice, disgusts us. 41875 -- Thomas H. Hildebrandt 41876% 41877Say my love is easy had, 41878Say I'm bitten raw with pride, 41879Say I am too often sad -- 41880Still behold me at your side. 41881 41882Say I'm neither brave nor young, 41883Say I woo and coddle care, 41884Say the devil touched my tongue, 41885Still you have my heart to wear. 41886 41887But say my verses do not scan, 41888And I get me another man! 41889 -- Dorothy Parker, "Fighting Words" 41890% 41891Say no, then negotiate. 41892 -- Helga 41893% 41894Say something you'll be sorry for, I love receiving apologies. 41895% 41896Say "twenty-three-skiddoo" to logout. 41897% 41898SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out! 41899 -- Ken Thompson 41900% 41901SCENARIO: 41902 An imagined sequence of events that provides the context in 41903 which a business decision is made. Scenarios always come in 41904 sets of three: best case, worst case, and just in case. 41905% 41906Scenary is here, wish you were beautiful. 41907% 41908Scene: 41909 A small boy stands agasp on the stairway overlooking the living 41910room. A rather largish man in a big red suit with white fur and red and 41911white belled cap hunches over the fireplace, obviously interrupted in 41912filling stockings with packages taken from a huge bag slung over his 41913shoulder. His eyebrows are raised, matter-of-factly, as he spies the boy 41914intently watching him. 41915 41916Caption: 41917 I'm sorry you've seen me, Billy. Now I'll have to kill you. 41918% 41919Schapiro's Explanation: 41920 The grass is always greener on the other side -- but that's 41921because they use more manure. 41922% 41923Schizophrenia beats being alone. 41924% 41925Schlattwhapper, n.: 41926 The window shade that allows itself to be pulled down, 41927 hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face. 41928 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 41929% 41930Schmidt's Observation: 41931 All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap 41932 than a thin person. 41933% 41934Schnuffel, n.: 41935 A dog's practice of continuously nuzzling in your crotch in 41936 mixed company. 41937 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 41938% 41939Schwiggle, n.: 41940 The amusing rotation of one's bottom while sharpening a pencil. 41941 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 41942% 41943Science and religion are in full accord but 41944science and faith are in complete discord. 41945% 41946Science Fiction, Double Feature. 41947Frank has built and lost his creature. 41948Darkness has conquered Brad and Janet. 41949The servants gone to a distant planet. 41950Wo, oh, oh, oh. 41951At the late night, double feature, Picture show. 41952I want to go, oh, oh, oh. 41953To the late night, double feature, Picture show. 41954 -- Rocky Horror Picture Show 41955% 41956Science is built up of facts, as a house is with stones. But a 41957collection of facts is no more a science than a heap of stones 41958is a house. 41959 -- Jules Henri Poincare 41960% 41961Science is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is science made 41962of facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts 41963is not necessarily science. 41964 -- Jules Henri Poincar'e 41965% 41966Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes 41967out, but that is not the reason we are doing it 41968 -- Richard Feynman 41969% 41970Science is to computer science as hydrodynamics is to plumbing. 41971% 41972Science is what happens when preconception meets verification. 41973% 41974Science may someday discover what faith has always known. 41975% 41976Science! true daughter of Old Time thou art! 41977Who alterest all things with thy peering eyes. 41978Why preyest thou thus upon the poet's heart, 41979Vulture, whose wings are dull realities? 41980How should he love thee? or how deem thee wise? 41981Who wouldst not leave him in his wandering 41982To seek for treasure in the jewelled skies, 41983Albeit he soared with an undaunted wing? 41984Hast thou not dragged Diana from her car? 41985And driven the Hamadryad from the wood 41986To seek a shelter in some happier star? 41987Hast thou not torn the Naiad from her flood, 41988The Elfin from the green grass, and from me 41989The summer dream beneath the tamarind tree? 41990 -- Edgar Allan Poe, "Science, a Sonnet" 41991% 41992Scientists are people who build the Brooklyn Bridge and then buy it. 41993 -- William F. Buckley 41994 41995% 41996Scientists still know less about what attracts men 41997than they do about what attracts mosquitoes. 41998 -- Dr. Joyce Brothers, 41999 "What Every Woman Should Know About Men" 42000% 42001Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question. 42002They had worked for months gathering one each of every computer that 42003was built. Finally the big day was at hand. All the computers were 42004linked together. They asked the question, "Is there a God?". Lights 42005started blinking, flashing and blinking some more. Suddenly, there 42006was a loud crash, and a bolt of lightning came down from the sky, 42007struck the computers, and welded all the connections permanently 42008together. "There is now", came the reply. 42009% 42010Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific, 42011Fain how I pause at your nature specific, 42012Loftily poised in the ether capacious, 42013Highly resembling a gem carbonaceous. 42014Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific, 42015Fain how I pause at your nature specific. 42016% 42017Scintillation is not always identification for an auric substance. 42018% 42019SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21) 42020 You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will 42021 achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of 42022 ethics. Most Scorpio people are murdered. 42023% 42024SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21) 42025 Friends abound today, seeking repayment of past loans. Smile. Check 42026 for concealed weapons. Your natural cheerfulness makes others want 42027 to throw up. Knock it off. 42028% 42029SCORPIO (Oct.24 - Nov.21) 42030 You will receive word today that you are eligible to win a million 42031 dollars in prizes. It will be from a magazine trying to get you to 42032 subscribe, and you're just dumb enough to think you've got a chance 42033 to win. You never learn. 42034% 42035Scott's first Law: 42036 No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right. 42037% 42038Scott's second Law: 42039 When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found 42040to have been wrong in the first place. 42041 42042Corollary: 42043 After the correction has been found in error, it will be 42044impossible to fit the original quantity back into the equation. 42045% 42046Scotty: Captain, we din' can reference it! 42047Kirk: Analysis, Mr. Spock? 42048Spock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table. 42049Kirk: Then it's of external origin? 42050Spock: Affirmative. 42051Kirk: Mr. Sulu, go to pass two. 42052Sulu: Aye aye, sir, going to pass two. 42053% 42054Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else. 42055% 42056Scribline, n.: 42057 The blank area on the back of credit cards where one's 42058 signature goes. 42059 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 42060% 42061Scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the 42062Presidency. 42063 -- Richard M. Nixon 42064% 42065'Scuse me, while I kiss the sky! 42066 -- Robert James Marshall (Jimi) Hendrix 42067% 42068Sears has everything. 42069% 42070Seattle is so wet that people protect their property with watch-ducks. 42071% 42072Second Law of Business Meetings: 42073 If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you 42074 will pick the wrong one. 42075 42076Corollary: 42077 If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it 42078wrong, anyway. 42079% 42080Second Law of Final Exams: 42081 In your toughest final -- for the first time all year -- the most 42082 distractingly attractive student in the class will sit next to you. 42083% 42084Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny. 42085% 42086Secretary's Revenge: 42087 Filing almost everything under "the". 42088% 42089Section 2.4.3.5 AWNS (Acceptor Wait for New Cycle State). 42090 In AWNS the AH function indicates that it has received a 42091multiline message byte. 42092 In AWNS the RFD message must be sent false and the DAC message 42093must be sent passive true. 42094 The AH function must exit the AWNS and enter: 42095 (1) The ANRS if DAV is false 42096 (2) The AIDS if the ATN message is false and neither: 42097 (a) The LADS is active 42098 (b) Nor LACS is active 42099 42100 -- from the IEEE Standard Digital Interface for 42101 Programmable Instrumentation 42102% 42103Security check: INTRUDER ALERT! 42104% 42105Sed quis custodiet ipsos Custodes? 42106[Who guards the Guardians?] 42107% 42108Seduced, shaggy Samson snored. 42109She scissored short. Sorely shorn, 42110Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed, 42111Silently scheming, 42112Sightlessly seeking 42113Some savage, spectacular suicide. 42114 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 42115% 42116See - the thing is - I'm an absolutist. I mean, kind of ... in a way ... 42117% 42118See, these two penguins walked into a bar, which was really stupid, 'cause 42119the second one should have seen it. 42120% 42121Seeing a commotion in Harvard Square, a man strolled over and asked what 42122was going on. One of the onlookers explained to him that there was a Mooney 42123who had immersed himself in gasoline and was threatening to set fire to 42124himself to demonstrate his commitment to the Rev. Moon. The man gasped and 42125asked what was being done to defuse the obviously dangerous situation. 42126 "Well", replied the onlooker, "we're taking up a collection -- so 42127far I've got two Bics, four Zippos and eighteen books of matches." 42128% 42129Seeing is believing. 42130You wouldn't have seen it if you hadn't believed it. 42131% 42132Seeing is deceiving. It's eating that's believing. 42133 -- James Thurber 42134% 42135Seeing that death, a necessary end, 42136Will come when it will come. 42137 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 42138% 42139Seek simplicity -- and distrust it. 42140 -- Alfred North Whitehead 42141% 42142Seems a computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer were 42143driving down a mountain when the brakes gave out. They screamed down the 42144mountain, gaining speed, but finally managed to grind to a halt, more by 42145luck than anything else, just inches from a thousand foot drop to jagged 42146rocks. They all got out of the car: 42147 The computer engineer said, "I think I can fix it." 42148 The systems analyst said, "No, no, I think we should take it 42149into town and have a specialist look at it." 42150 The programmer said, "OK, but first I think we should get back 42151in and see if it does it again." 42152% 42153Seems like this duck waddles into a pharmacy, waddles up to the prescription 42154counter and rings the bell. The pharmacist walks up and asks, "Can I help 42155you?". 42156 The duck replies, "Yes, I'd like a box of condoms, please." 42157 "Certainly", says the pharmacist, "will that be cash or would 42158you like me to put it on your bill?" 42159 Snarls the duck, "Just what kind of duck do you think I am?" 42160% 42161Seems like this farmer purchased an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans 42162to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, 42163the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around. 42164During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's 42165work, praying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your 42166dreams!" 42167 A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. 42168Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place -- the farm house is 42169completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and 42170other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields 42171are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says. 42172"Look what God and you have accomplished together!" 42173 "Yes, reverend," replies the farmer, "but remember what the farm was 42174like when God was working it alone!" 42175% 42176Seems like this guy wanders into a rural outfitting store in Alaska, 42177and starts talking to a rather grizzled old man sitting by the cash 42178register. 42179 "Hear ya got a lotta' bears 'round here?" 42180 "Yeah, you could say that," answers the old man. 42181 "GRIZZLIES?!?!" 42182 "A few." 42183 "Got any bear bells?" 42184 "What's that?" 42185 "You know, them little dingle-bells ya put on yer backpack so 42186bears know yer there so's they can run away ... I'll take one fer black 42187bears, and one fer them grizzlies. Say, how do you know yer in grizzly 42188country, anyhow?" 42189 "Look fer scat. Grizzly scat's different from black bear scat." 42190 "Well now, what's IN grizzly scat that's different?" 42191 "Bear bells." 42192% 42193Seems that a pollster was taking a worldwide opinion poll. 42194Her question was, "Excuse me; what's your opinion on the meat shortage?" 42195 42196In Texas, the answer was "What's a shortage?" 42197In Poland, the answer was "What's meat?" 42198In the Soviet Union, the answer was "What's an opinion?" 42199In New York City, the answer was "What's excuse me?" 42200% 42201Seems this fellow was suffering from terrific headaches, and went to his 42202doctor about it. The physician made a number of tests, and informed the man 42203that the only thing for his headaches was castration. After a few more 42204months, the headaches became so intense that the man agreed to the operation. 42205Naturally enough, the ruination of his sex life depressed him tremendously, 42206and he decided to purchase a new wardrobe to make himself feel better. 42207He enters a men's clothing store and a salesman wanders over, looks him 42208up and down, and says, "Well, let's start with shirts... 15 neck, 34 sleeve." 42209 The guy is amazed. "How'd you know?" 42210 "Well, I've been here nearly 30 years, and I can tell sizes within 42211a quarter inch on every piece of clothing." The salesman's claim is borne 42212out. Slacks, 34 waist, 32 inseam; jacket: 42 long. And so on and so forth. 42213When the man has been completely outfitted he decides that he'd better buy 42214some new underwear. 42215 The salesman looks at him and says, "Okay, that'll be a 34." 42216 "No, that's wrong," says the man. "I've always worn a 32." The 42217salesman insists, pointing out his accuracy so far. The man argues, agreeing 42218that while he's been right so far, he has always worn a 32 in shorts. 42219 Finally in exasperation, the salesman says, "Listen, I tell you, 42220you *have* to wear a 34. Otherwise, you'll get these *awful* headaches." 42221% 42222Seems this guy showed up at a party, and all of his friends jumped for 42223Joy. But she sidestepped, and they missed. 42224% 42225Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow! 42226 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 42227% 42228Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine: 42229 Ice Cream cures all ills. Temporarily. 42230% 42231Self Test for Paranoia: 42232 You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's 42233 your own fault. 42234% 42235Seminars, n.: 42236 From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion. 42237% 42238semper en excretus 42239% 42240SEMPER UBI SUB UBI!!!! 42241% 42242Sen. Danforth: "There is nothing on the face of the album which would 42243 notify you if the record has pornographic material or 42244 material glorifying violence?" 42245Tipper Gore: "No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me." 42246Frank Zappa: "I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's 42247 legs on the album cover is good indication that it's 42248 not for little Johnny." 42249 42250 -- The Senate Commerce Committee hearing on rock 42251 lyrics, from The Village Voice, 6 Oct 1985 42252% 42253Senate, n.: 42254 A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and 42255 misdemeanors. 42256 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 42257% 42258Send some filthy mail. 42259% 42260Sendmail may be safely run set-user-id to root. 42261 -- Eric Allman, "Sendmail Installation Guide" 42262% 42263SENILITY: 42264 The state of mind of elderly persons 42265 with whom one happens to disagree. 42266% 42267Senor Castro has been accused of communist sympathies, but this means very 42268little since all opponents of the regime are automatically called communists. 42269In fact he is further to the right than General Batista. 42270 -- "Cuba's Rightist Rebel", The Economist, April 26, 1958 42271% 42272Sentient plasmoids are a gas. 42273% 42274Sentimentality -- that's what we call the sentiment we don't share. 42275 -- Graham Greene 42276% 42277SERENDIPITY: 42278 The process by which human knowledge is advanced. 42279% 42280Serenity through viciousness. 42281% 42282Serfs up! 42283 -- Spartacus 42284% 42285Serocki's Stricture: 42286 Marriage is always a bachelor's last option. 42287% 42288Serving coffee on an aircraft causes turbulence. 42289% 42290Set the cart before the horse. 42291 -- John Heywood 42292% 42293Several years ago, an international chess tournament was being held in a 42294swank hotel in New York. Most of the major stars of the chess world were 42295there, and after a grueling day of chess, the players and their entourages 42296retired to the lobby of the hotel for a little refreshment. In the lobby, 42297some players got into a heated argument about who was the brightest, the 42298fastest, and the best chess player in the world. The argument got quite 42299loud, as various players claimed that honor. At that point, a security 42300guard in the lobby turned to another guard and commented, "If there's 42301anything I just can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." 42302% 42303Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a 42304big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at 42305reasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's 42306build a home center. And before long home centers were springing up 42307like crabgrass all over the United States. 42308 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 42309% 42310Sex and drugs and rock and roll, 42311Is all my brain and body need. 42312Sex and drugs and rock and roll, 42313Are very good indeed. 42314 42315Take your silly ways, 42316Throw them out the window, 42317The wisdom of your ways, 42318I've been there and I know, 42319Lots of other ways... 42320 -- Ian Drury, "New Boots and Panties" 42321% 42322Sex discriminates against the shy and ugly. 42323% 42324Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it. 42325 -- Lewis Grizzard 42326% 42327Sex is a natural bodily process, like a stroke. 42328% 42329Sex is about as important as a cheese sandwich. But a cheese sandwich, 42330if you ain't got one to put in your belly, is extremely important. 42331 -- Ian Dury 42332% 42333Sex is an emotion in motion. 42334 -- Mae West 42335% 42336Sex is as honest a product benefit for fragrance [perfume] as taste is 42337for diet Coke. 42338 -- Malcolm MacDougall 42339% 42340Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn. 42341 -- Garrison Keillor 42342% 42343Sex is like pizza -- when it's good, it's great; and when it's bad, 42344it's still darn tasty! 42345% 42346Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. 42347 -- Swami X 42348% 42349Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated. 42350 -- M. C. Reed 42351% 42352Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the 42353most amount of trouble. 42354 -- John Barrymore 42355% 42356Sex without class consciousness cannot give satisfaction, even if it is 42357repeated until infinity. 42358 -- Aldo Brandirali (Secretary of the Italian Marxist-Leninist 42359 Party), in a manual of the party's official sex guidelines, 42360 1973. 42361% 42362Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, 42363it's one of the best. 42364 -- Woody Allen 42365% 42366Sexual enlightenment is justified insofar as girls cannot learn too soon 42367how children do not come into the world. 42368 -- Karl Kraus 42369% 42370Shah, shah! Ayatulla you so! 42371% 42372Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight: 42373always to try to be a little kinder than is necessary? 42374 -- J. M. Barrie 42375% 42376Shame is an improper emotion invented by 42377pietists to oppress the human race. 42378 -- Robert Preston, Toddy, "Victor/Victoria" 42379% 42380Shamus, n. [Yiddish]: 42381 A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the 42382temple, and makes sure everything is in working order. 42383 A shamus is at the bottom of the pecking order of synagogue 42384functionaries, and there's a joke about that: 42385 A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the 42386middle of a service, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The cantor, not to be 42387bested, also cries out, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" 42388 The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, "Oh, Lord, I 42389am nobody!" The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, "Look who thinks 42390he's nobody!" 42391 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 42392% 42393Shannon's Observation 42394 Nothing is so frustrating as a bad situation 42395 that is beginning to improve. 42396% 42397Share, n.: 42398 To give in, endure humiliation. 42399% 42400Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off 42401during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent. 42402 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every 42403 Teen Should Know" 42404% 42405Shaw's Principle: 42406 Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will 42407 want to use it. 42408% 42409She always believed in the old adage -- leave them while you're looking 42410good. 42411 -- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes" 42412% 42413She applies her lipstick in spite of its contents: "greasy rouge, 42414containing crushed and dried insect corpses for coloring, beeswax 42415for stiffness, and olive oil to help it flow - the latter having 42416the unfortunate tendency to go rancid several hours after use. 42417 42418In 1924 the New York Board of Health considered banning lipstick, 42419not because it was hazardous to the wearers but because of "the 42420worry that it might poison the men who kissed the women who wore it." 42421 -- David Bodanis, "The Secret House" 42422% 42423She asked me, "What's your sign?" 42424I blinked and answered "Neon," 42425I thought I'd blow her mind... 42426% 42427She been married so many times 42428she got rice marks all over her face. 42429 -- Tom Waits 42430% 42431She blinded me with science! 42432% 42433She can kill all your files; 42434She can freeze with a frown. 42435And a wave of her hand brings the whole system down. 42436And she works on her code until ten after three. 42437She lives like a bat but she's always a hacker to me. 42438 -- Apologies to Billy Joel 42439% 42440She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook. 42441 -- Tommy Manville 42442% 42443She has an alarm clock and a phone that don't ring - they applaud. 42444% 42445She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to. 42446 -- Gypsy Rose Lee 42447% 42448She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot. 42449 -- Mark Twain 42450% 42451She just came in, pounced around this thing with me for a few 42452years, enjoyed herself, gave it a sort of beautiful quality and 42453left. Excited a few men in the meantime. 42454 -- Patrick Macnee, reminiscing on Diana Rigg's 42455 involvement in "The Avengers". 42456% 42457She liked him; he was a man of many qualities, even if most of them 42458were bad. 42459% 42460She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him 42461a look that you could have poured on a waffle. 42462% 42463She often gave herself very good advice 42464(though she very seldom followed it). 42465 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865) 42466% 42467She ran the gamut of emotions from "A" to "B". 42468 -- Dorothy Parker, on a Kate Hepburn performance 42469% 42470She say, Miss Colie, You better hush. God might hear you. 42471Let 'im hear me, I say. If he ever listened to poor colored 42472women the world would be a different place, I can tell you. 42473 -- Alice Walker, "The Color Purple" 42474% 42475She sells cshs by the cshore. 42476% 42477She stood on the tracks 42478Waving her arms 42479Leading me to that third rail shock 42480Quick as a wink 42481She changed her mind 42482 42483She gave me a night 42484That's all it was 42485What will it take until I stop 42486Kidding myself 42487Wasting my time 42488 42489There's nothing else I can do 42490'Cause I'm doing it all for Leyna 42491I don't want anyone new 42492'Cause I'm living it all for Leyna 42493There's nothing in it for you 42494'Cause I'm giving it all to Leyna 42495 -- Billy Joel, "All for Leyna" (Glass Houses) 42496% 42497She was bred in ol' Kentucky 42498But she's just a crumb up here 42499She was knock-knee'd and double-jointed 42500With a cauliflower ear 42501Someday we will be married 42502And if vegetables become too dear 42503I'll just cut me a slice of 42504Her cauliflower ear! 42505 -- Curly Howard, "The Three Stooges" 42506% 42507She was good at playing abstract confusion in the same way a midget is 42508good at being short. 42509 -- Clive James, on Marilyn Monroe 42510% 42511She was only a moonshiner's daughter, but I love her still. 42512% 42513She was only a mortician's daughter but anyone cadaver. 42514% 42515She won' go Warp 7, Cap'n! The batteries are dead! 42516% 42517Shedenhelm's Law: 42518 All trails have more uphill sections 42519 than they have downhill sections. 42520% 42521"Shelter", what a nice name for a place where you polish your cat. 42522% 42523Sheriff Chameleotoptor sighed with an air of weary sadness, and then 42524turned to Doppelgutt and said 'The Senator must really have been on a 42525bender this time -- he left a party in Cleveland, Ohio, at 11:30 last 42526night, and they found his car this morning in the smokestack of a British 42527aircraft carrier in the Formosa Straits.' 42528 -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton 42529 bad fiction contest. 42530% 42531Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have taken 42532him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an excess 42533of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature. 42534 -- Samuel Johnson 42535% 42536She's genuinely bogus. 42537% 42538She's learned to say things with her eyes 42539that others waste time putting into words. 42540% 42541She's so tough she won't take 'yes' for an answer. 42542% 42543She's such a kinky girl, 42544The kind you don't take home to mother. 42545She will never let your spirits down 42546Once you get her off the street. 42547% 42548She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong. 42549 -- Mae West 42550% 42551Shhh... be vewy, vewy, quiet! I'm hunting wabbits... 42552% 42553Shick's Law: 42554 There is no problem a good miracle can't solve. 42555% 42556Shift to the left, 42557Shift to the right, 42558Mask in, mask out, 42559BYTE, BYTE, BYTE !!! 42560% 42561Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there. 42562% 42563Shirley MacLaine died today in a freak psychic collision today. Two freaks 42564in a van [Oh no!! It's the Copyright Police!!] Her aura-charred body was 42565laid to rest after a eulogy by Jackie Collins, fellow member of SAFE [Society 42566of Asinine Flake Entertainers]. Excerpted from some of his more quotable 42567comments: 42568 42569 "Truly a woman of the times. These times, those times..." 42570 "A Renaissance woman. Why in 1432..." 42571 "A man for all seasons. Really..." 42572 42573After the ceremony, Shirley thanked her mourners and explained how delightful 42574it was to "get it together" again, presumably referring to having her now dead 42575body join her long dead brain. 42576% 42577Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high, 42578they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee. 42579 -- Terry Southern 42580% 42581Short people get rained on last. 42582% 42583Show business is just like high school, except you get paid. 42584 -- Martin Mull 42585% 42586Show me a good loser in professional sports and I'll show you an idiot. 42587Show me a good sportsman and I'll show you a player I'm looking to trade. 42588 -- Leo Durocher 42589% 42590Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is 42591playing golf with his boss. 42592% 42593Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change. 42594% 42595Show your affection, which will probably meet with pleasant response. 42596% 42597Showing up is 80% of life. 42598 -- Woody Allen 42599% 42600Si Dieu n'existait pas, il faudrait l'inventer. 42601 -- Voltaire 42602% 42603Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait. 42604[If youth but knew, if old age but could.] 42605 -- Henri Estienne 42606% 42607Sic transit gloria Monday! 42608% 42609Sic transit gloria mundi. 42610[So passes away the glory of this world.] 42611 -- Thomas a Kempis 42612% 42613Sic Transit Gloria Thursdi. 42614% 42615Sight is a faculty; seeing is an art. 42616% 42617Sigmund's wife wore Freudian slips. 42618% 42619Signals don't kill programs. Programs kill programs. 42620% 42621Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help. 42622 -- The Brown University Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet 42623% 42624Silence can be the biggest lie of all. We have a responsibility to speak 42625up; and whenever the occasion calls for it, we have a responsibility to 42626raise bloody hell. 42627 -- Herbert Block 42628% 42629Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves. 42630 -- Thomas Carlyle 42631% 42632Silence is the only virtue you have left. 42633% 42634sillema sillema nika su 42635[translation: look it up...hint-fin] 42636% 42637Silly Sally was baby sitting. But Silly Sally was getting bored. Thinking 42638a walk would help, she put the baby in his carriage. Silly Sally pushed the 42639carriage and pushed the carriage up this hill and down that one. She pushed 42640the carriage up the highest hill in town, and ALL OF A SUDDEN! It slipped out 42641of her hands (OH! NO!) and it was headed at high speed for the busiest 42642intersection in town. BUT! 42643 42644Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d........... 42645BECAUSE! SHE KNEW THERE WAS A STOP SIGN AT THE BOTTOM OF THE HILL! 42646 42647Silly Sally was playing in the garage. And she was being disobedient. 42648She was playing with matches... AND... She burned down the garage. 42649(OHHHHHH) Silly Sally's mother said, "Silly Sally! You have been naughty! 42650And when your father gets home, you are going to get a good licking!" BUT! 42651 42652Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d........... 42653BECAUSE! SHE KNEW HER FATHER WAS IN THE GARAGE WHEN SHE BURNED IT DOWN! 42654% 42655Silverman's Law: 42656 If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will. 42657% 42658Simon's Law: 42659 Everything put together falls apart sooner or later. 42660% 42661Simplicity does not precede complexity, but follows it. 42662% 42663Simulated fortune: 42664 42665 The head and in frontal attack on an english writer that the 42666 character of this point is therefore another method for the 42667 letters that the time of who ever told the problem for an 42668 unexpected. 42669 42670 -- by Claude E. Shannon 42671% 42672Simulations are like miniskirts, they show a lot and hide the essentials. 42673 -- Hubert Kirrman 42674% 42675Sin boldly. 42676 -- Martin Luther 42677% 42678Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all. 42679% 42680Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily. 42681All other "sins" are invented nonsense. 42682(Hurting yourself is not sinful -- just stupid). 42683 -- Lazarus Long 42684% 42685Since a politician never believes what he says, he is surprised 42686when others believe him. 42687 -- Charles DeGaulle 42688% 42689Since aerosols are forbidden, the police are using roll-on Mace! 42690% 42691Since before the Earth was formed and before the sun burned hot in space, 42692cosmic forces of inexorable power have been working relentlessly toward 42693this moment in space-time -- your receiving this fortune. 42694% 42695Since everything in life is but an experience perfect in being what it is, 42696having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well 42697burst out in laughter. 42698 -- Long Chen Pa 42699% 42700Since I hurt my pendulum 42701My life is all erratic. 42702My parrot, who was cordial, 42703Is now transmitting static. 42704The carpet died, a palm collapsed, 42705The cat keeps doing poo. 42706The only thing that keeps me sane 42707Is talking to my shoe. 42708 -- My Shoe 42709% 42710Since we cannot hope for order, let us withdraw with style from the chaos. 42711 -- Tom Stoppard 42712% 42713Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're 42714alive. 42715 -- John Sloan 42716% 42717Since we're all here, we must not be all there. 42718 -- Bob "Mountain" Beck 42719% 42720Sink or Swim with Teddy! 42721% 42722Sinners can repent, but stupid is forever. 42723% 42724Sir, it's quite possible this asteroid is not entirely stable. 42725 -- C-3PO 42726% 42727[Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues I dislike and none of the 42728vices I admire. 42729 -- Winston Churchill 42730% 42731Six days after the Creation, Adam was still alone in the Garden of 42732Eden, and getting pretty desperate. "God!" he cried, "rescue me from 42733loneliness and despair! Send some company for Your sake!" 42734 42735God replied "OK, I have just the thing. Keep you warm and relaxed all 42736the days of your life. Never complains. Looks up to you in every way. 42737It'll cost you though". 42738 42739"Sounds ideal" said Adam. "The society of the beasts of the field and 42740the birds of the air palls after a while. What's the price?" 42741 42742"An arm and a leg", said God. 42743 42744Adam thought about it for a bit and finally sighed. "So, what can I get 42745for a rib?" 42746% 42747Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful 42748objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill 42749gives us modern art. 42750 -- Tom Stoppard 42751% 42752Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor): 42753 That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to, 42754 or subtracted from the answer you got, gives you the answer you 42755 should have gotten. 42756% 42757skldfjkljklsR%^&(IXDRTYju187pkasdjbasdfbuil 42758h;asvgy8p 23r1vyui135 2 42759kmxsij90TYDFS$$b jkzxdjkl bjnk ;j nk;<[][;-==-<<<<<';[, 42760 [hjioasdvbnuio;buip^&(FTSD$%*VYUI:buio;sdf}[asdf'] 42761 sdoihjfh(_YU*G&F^*CTY98y 42762 42763 42764Now look what you've gone and done! You've broken it! 42765% 42766Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes 42767to work. 42768% 42769Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not, 42770when a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and 42771apparently incoherent songs. I was myself within the circle, so that I 42772neither saw nor heard as those without might see and hear. They told a 42773tale which was then altogether beyond my feeble comprehension: they 42774were tones, loud, long and deep, breathing the prayer and complaint of 42775souls boiling over with the bitterest anguish. Every tone was a 42776testimony against slavery, and a prayer to God for deliverance from 42777chains. 42778 -- Frederick Douglass 42779% 42780Sleep -- the most beautiful experience in life -- except drink. 42781 -- W. C. Fields 42782% 42783Sleep is for the weak and sickly. 42784% 42785Slick's Three Laws of the Universe: 42786 (1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad 42787 check. 42788 (2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat. 42789 (3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is 42790 attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is 42791 attracted to dark objects. 42792% 42793Slous' Contention: 42794 If you do a job too well, you'll get stuck with it. 42795% 42796Slow day. 42797Practice crawling. 42798% 42799Slowly and surely the Unix crept up on the Nintendo user ... 42800% 42801Slurm, n.: 42802 The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when 42803 it sits in the dish too long. 42804 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 42805% 42806Small change can often be found under seat cushions. 42807% 42808Small is beautiful. 42809 -- Schumacher's Dictum 42810% 42811Small things make base men proud. 42812 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 42813% 42814Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my 42815teacher was in my class for five years. 42816 -- George Burns 42817% 42818Smear the road with a runner!! 42819% 42820Smile! You're on Candid Camera. 42821% 42822Smile, Cthulhu Loathes You. 42823% 42824Smoking is, as far as I'm concerned, the entire point of being an adult. 42825 -- Fran Lebowitz 42826% 42827SMOKING IS NOW ALLOWED !!! 42828 Anyone wishing to smoke, however, must file, in triplicate, the 42829 U.S. government Environmental Impact Narrative Statement (EINS), 42830 describing in detail the type of combustion proposed, impact on 42831 the environment, and anticipated opposition. Statements must be 42832 filed 30 days in advance. 42833% 42834Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. 42835 -- Fletcher Knebel 42836% 42837Smoking Prohibited. Absolutely no ifs, ands, or butts. 42838% 42839Smuggling... It's not just a job, it's an adventure! 42840 -- paid for by your local Colombian recruiting office 42841% 42842Snacktrek, n.: 42843 The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly 42844 returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will 42845 have materialized. 42846 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 42847% 42848Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes? 42849% 42850SNAPPY REPARTEE: 42851 What you'd say if you had another chance. 42852% 42853Snoopy: No problem is so big that it can't be run away from. 42854% 42855Snow and adolescence are the only problems 42856that disappear if you ignore them long enough. 42857% 42858Snow Day -- stay home. 42859% 42860Snow White has become a camera buff. She spends hours and hours 42861shooting pictures of the seven dwarfs and their antics. Then she 42862mails the exposed film to a cut rate photo service. It takes weeks 42863for the developed film to arrive in the mail, but that is all right 42864with Snow White. She clears the table, washes the dishes and sweeps 42865the floor, all the while singing "Someday my prints will come." 42866% 42867So as your consumer electronics adviser, I am advising you to donate 42868your current VCR to a grate resident, who will laugh sardonically and 42869hurl it into a dumpster. Then I want you to go out and purchase a vast 42870array of 8-millimeter video equipment. 42871 42872... OK! Got everything? Well, *too bad, sucker*, because while you 42873were gone the electronics industry came up with an even newer format 42874that makes your 8-millimeter VCR look as technologically advanced as 42875toenail dirt. This format is called "3.5 hectare" and it will not be 42876made available until it is outmoded, sometime early next week, by a 42877format called "Elroy", so *order yours now*. 42878 -- Dave Barry, "No Surrender in the Electronics 42879 Revolution" 42880% 42881So... did you ever wonder, do garbage men take showers before they 42882go to work? 42883% 42884So do the noble fall. For they are ever caught in a trap of their own making. 42885A trap -- walled by duty, and locked by reality. Against the greater force 42886they must fall -- for, against that force they fight because of duty, because 42887of obligations. And when the noble fall, the base remain. The base -- whose 42888only purpose is the corruption of what the noble did protect. Whose only 42889purpose is to destroy. The noble: who, even when fallen, retain a vestige of 42890strength. For theirs is a strength born of things other than mere force. 42891Theirs is a strength supreme... theirs is the strength -- to restore. 42892 -- Gerry Conway, "Thor", #193 42893% 42894So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in 42895praise of intelligence. 42896 -- Bertrand Russell 42897% 42898So far as we are human, what we do must be either evil or good: so far 42899as we do evil or good, we are human: and it is better, in a paradoxical 42900way, to do evil than to do nothing: at least we exist. 42901 -- T. S. Eliot, essay on Baudelaire 42902% 42903So from the depths of its enchantment, Terra was able to calculate a course 42904of action. Here at last was an opportunity to consort with Dirbanu on a 42905friendly basis -- great Dirbanu which, since it had force fields which Earth 42906could not duplicate, must of necessity have many other things Earth could 42907use; mighty Dirbanu before whom we would kneel in supplication (with purely- 42908for-defense bombs hidden in our pockets) with lowered heads (making invisible 42909the knife in our teeth) and ask for crumbs from their table (in order to 42910extrapolate the location of their kitchens). 42911 -- T. Sturgeon, "The World Well Lost" 42912% 42913So... how come the Corinthians never wrote back? 42914% 42915So, if there's no God, who changes the water? 42916 -- New Yorker cartoon of two goldfish in a bowl 42917% 42918So I'm ugly. So what? I never saw anyone hit with his face. 42919 -- Yogi Berra 42920% 42921So, is the glass half empty, half full, or just twice as 42922large as it needs to be? 42923% 42924So little time, so little to do. 42925 -- Oscar Levant 42926% 42927So live that you wouldn't be ashamed 42928to sell the family parrot to the town gossip. 42929% 42930So many beautiful women and so little time. 42931 -- John Barrymore 42932% 42933So many men and so little time. 42934% 42935So many men, so many opinions; every one his own way. 42936 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) 42937% 42938So many women, and so little time! 42939% 42940So many women, so little nerve. 42941% 42942So much food, and so little time! 42943% 42944So much 42945depends 42946upon 42947a red 42948 42949wheel 42950barrow 42951glazed with 42952 42953rain 42954water 42955beside 42956the white 42957chickens. 42958 -- William Carlos Williams, "The Red Wheel Barrow" 42959% 42960So now 42961that you have- 42962 42963you know, whoever 42964 42965you're trying 42966to do 42967 42968a favor 42969for 42970 42971-you've done it- 42972 42973and I'm sure 42974you had 42975 42976a smirk 42977on your mouth 42978 42979as you got me 42980into this. 42981 -- "To Linda", from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot, 42982 composed for Linda Wertheimer of National Public 42983 Radio. From SPY Magazine, November 1992 42984% 42985So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie; and 42986at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head into 42987the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very imprudently married 42988the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand Panjandrum 42989himself, with the little round button at top, and they all fell to playing 42990the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran out at the heels of 42991their boots. 42992 -- Samuel Foote 42993% 42994So so is good, very good, very excellent good: 42995and yet it is not; it is but so so. 42996 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It" 42997% 42998So... so you think you can tell 42999Heaven from Hell? 43000Blue skies from pain? Did they get you to trade 43001Can you tell a green field Your heroes for ghosts? 43002From a cold steel rail? Hot ashes for trees? 43003A smile from a veil? Hot air for a cool breeze? 43004Do you think you can tell? Cold comfort for change? 43005 Did you exchange 43006 A walk on part in a war 43007 For the lead role in a cage? 43008 -- Pink Floyd, "Wish You Were Here" 43009% 43010So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway? And why can't he ever 43011remember his Bible? 43012% 43013So, you better watch out! 43014You better not cry! 43015You better not pout! 43016I'm telling you why, 43017Santa Claus is coming, to town. 43018 43019He knows when you've been sleeping, 43020He know when you're awake. 43021He knows if you've been bad or good, 43022He has ties with the CIA. 43023So... 43024% 43025So you see Antonio, why worry about one little core dump, eh? In reality 43026all core dumps happen at the same instant, so the core dump you will have 43027tomorrow, why, it already happened. You see, it's just a little universal 43028recursive joke which threads our lives through the infinite potential of 43029the instant. So go to sleep, Antonio, your thread could break any moment 43030and cast you out of the safe security of the instant into the dark void of 43031eternity, the anti-time. So go to sleep... 43032% 43033So you think that money is the root of all evil. 43034Have you ever asked what is the root of money? 43035 -- Ayn Rand 43036% 43037So you're back... about time... 43038% 43039Soap and education are not as sudden as a 43040massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run. 43041 -- Mark Twain 43042% 43043SOCIALISM: 43044 You have two cows. Give one to your neighbour. 43045COMMUNISM: 43046 You have two cows. 43047 Give both to the government. The government gives you milk. 43048CAPITALISM: 43049 You sell one cow and buy a bull. 43050FASCISM: 43051 You have two cows. Give milk to the government. 43052 The government sells it. 43053NAZISM: 43054 The government shoots you and takes the cows. 43055NEW DEALISM: 43056 The government shoots one cow, 43057 milks the other, and pours the milk down the sink. 43058ANARCHISM: 43059 Keep the cows. Steal another one. Shoot the government. 43060CONSERVATISM: 43061 Freeze the milk. Embalm the cows. 43062% 43063Sodd's Second Law: 43064 Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is 43065bound to occur. 43066% 43067Software, n.: 43068 Formal evening attire for female computer analysts. 43069% 43070Software production is assumed to be a line function, but it is run 43071like a staff function." 43072 -- Paul Licker 43073% 43074Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more 43075"user-friendly". ... Their best approach, so far, has been to take all 43076the old brochures, and stamp the words, "user-friendly" on the cover. 43077 -- Bill Gates, Microsoft, Inc. 43078% 43079Soldiers who wish to be a hero 43080Are practically zero, 43081But those who wish to be civilians, 43082They run into the millions. 43083% 43084Solipsists of the World... you are already united. 43085 -- Kayvan Sylvan 43086% 43087Solutions are obvious if one only has the 43088optical power to observe them over the horizon. 43089 -- K. A. Arsdall 43090% 43091Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed, 43092and some few to be chewed and digested. 43093 -- Francis Bacon 43094 [As anyone who has ever owned a puppy already knows. Ed.] 43095% 43096Some changes are so slow, you don't notice them. 43097Others are so fast, they don't notice you. 43098% 43099Some circumstantial evidence is very strong, 43100as when you find a trout in the milk. 43101 -- Thoreau 43102% 43103Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield. 43104% 43105Some don't prefer the pursuit of happiness to the happiness of pursuit. 43106% 43107Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke. 43108% 43109Some marriages are made in heaven -- but so are thunder and lightning. 43110% 43111Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them. 43112 -- Edgar W. Howe 43113% 43114Some men are all right in their place -- if they only the knew the right 43115places! 43116 -- Mae West 43117% 43118Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, 43119and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them. 43120 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" 43121% 43122Some men are discovered; others are found out. 43123% 43124Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think 43125about sex at all... they become lawyers. 43126 -- Woody Allen 43127% 43128Some men are so interested in their wives continued happiness 43129that they hire detectives to find out the reason for it. 43130% 43131Some men are so macho they'll get you pregnant just to kill a rabbit. 43132 -- Maureen Murphy 43133% 43134Some men feel that the only thing they owe 43135the woman who marries them is a grudge. 43136 -- Helen Rowland 43137% 43138Some men love truth so much that they seem to be in continual fear 43139lest she should catch a cold on overexposure. 43140 -- Samuel Butler 43141% 43142Some men rob you with a six-gun -- others with a fountain pen. 43143 -- Woodie Guthrie 43144% 43145Some men who fear that they are playing 43146second fiddle aren't in the band at all. 43147% 43148Some of my readers ask me what a "Serial Port" is. 43149The answer is: I don't know. 43150Is it some kind of wine you have with breakfast? 43151% 43152Some of the most interesting documents from Sweden's middle ages are the 43153old county laws (well, we never had counties but it's the nearest equivalent 43154I can find for "landskap"). These laws were written down sometime in the 4315513th century, but date back even down into Viking times. The oldest one is 43156the Vastgota law which clearly has pagan influences, thinly covered with some 43157Christian stuff. In this law, we find a page about "lekare", which is the 43158Old Norse word for a performing artist, actor/jester/musician etc. Here is 43159an approximate translation, where I have written "artist" as equivalent of 43160"lekare". 43161 "If an artist is beaten, none shall pay fines for it. If an artist 43162 is wounded, one such who goes with hurdie-gurdie or travels with 43163 fiddle or drum, then the people shall take a wild heifer and bring 43164 it out on the hillside. Then they shall shave off all hair from the 43165 heifer's tail, and grease the tail. Then the artist shall be given 43166 newly greased shoes. Then he shall take hold of the heifer's tail, 43167 and a man shall strike it with a sharp whip. If he can hold her, he 43168 shall have the animal. If he cannot hold her, he shall endure what 43169 he received, shame and wounds." 43170% 43171Some of the things that live the longest 43172in peoples' memories never really happened. 43173% 43174Some of them want to use you, 43175Some of them want to be used by you, 43176...Everybody's looking for something. 43177 -- Eurythmics, "Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This)" 43178% 43179Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. 43180 -- Gloria Steinem 43181% 43182Some of you ... may have decided that, this year, you're going to 43183celebrate it the old-fashioned way, with your family sitting around 43184stringing cranberries and exchanging humble, handmade gifts, like on 43185"The Waltons". Well, you can forget it. If everybody pulled that kind 43186of subversive stunt, the economy would collapse overnight. The 43187government would have to intervene: it would form a cabinet-level 43188Department of Holiday Gift-Giving, which would spend billions and 43189billions of tax dollars to buy Barbie dolls and electronic games, which 43190it would drop on the populace from Air Force jets, killing and maiming 43191thousands. So, for the good of the nation, you should go along with 43192the Holiday Program. This means you should get a large sum of money 43193and go to a mall. 43194 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 43195% 43196Some parts of the past must be preserved, 43197and some of the future prevented at all costs. 43198% 43199Some people call them "cars" or "trucks"; I call them "dimensional 43200transmogrifiers" because they change three-dimensional cats into 43201two-dimensional ones. 43202 -- F. Frederick Skitty 43203% 43204Some people carve careers, others chisel them. 43205% 43206Some people cause happiness wherever 43207they go; others, whenever they go. 43208% 43209Some people claim that the UNIX learning curve is steep, 43210but at least you only have to climb it once. 43211% 43212Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have 43213only one life to live, let me live it as a jerk." 43214% 43215Some people have no respect for age unless it's bottled. 43216% 43217Some people have parts that are so private 43218they themselves have no knowledge of them. 43219% 43220Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit 43221them on the head. 43222% 43223Some people live life in the fast lane. You're in oncoming traffic. 43224% 43225Some people manage by the book, even though they 43226don't know who wrote the book or even what book. 43227% 43228Some people need a good imaginary cure 43229for their painful imaginary ailment. 43230% 43231Some people only open up to tell you that they're closed. 43232% 43233Some people pray for more than they are willing to work for. 43234% 43235Some people say a front-engine car handles best. Some people say a 43236rear-engine car handles best. I say a rented car handles best. 43237 -- P. J. O'Rourke 43238% 43239Some peoples mouths work faster than their brains. 43240They say things they haven't even thought of yet. 43241% 43242Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when 43243you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even 43244worse. 43245 -- Avery 43246% 43247Some points to remember [about animals]: 43248 43249(1) Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants, rhinoceri, 43250 hippopotamuses; 43251(2) Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the 43252 front of your clothes; 43253(3) Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or dogs 43254 you have just kicked. 43255 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 43256% 43257Some primal termite knocked on wood. 43258And tasted it, and found it good. 43259And that is why your Cousin May 43260Fell through the parlor floor today. 43261 -- Ogden Nash 43262% 43263Some programming languages manage to absorb change, but withstand 43264progress. 43265 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 43266% 43267Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall. 43268% 43269Some say the world will end in fire, 43270Some say in ice. 43271From what I've tasted of desire 43272I hold with those who favor fire. 43273But if it had to perish twice 43274I think I know enough of hate 43275To say that for destruction, ice 43276Is also great 43277And would suffice 43278 -- Robert Frost, "Fire and Ice" 43279% 43280Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books. 43281 -- Folk saying 43282% 43283Some things have to be believed to be seen. 43284% 43285Somebody left the cork out of my lunch. 43286 -- W. C. Fields 43287% 43288Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the 43289pens will multiply instead of disappear. 43290% 43291Somebody's moggy, by the side of the road, 43292Somebody's pussy, who forgot his highway code, 43293Somebody's favourite feline, who ran clean out of luck, 43294When he ran onto the road, and tried to argue with a truck. 43295 43296Yesterday he purred and played, in his pussy paradise, 43297Decapitating tweety birds, and masticating mice. 43298Now he's just six pounds of raw mince meat, 43299That don't smell very nice -- 43300He's nobody's moggy now. 43301 43302Oh you who love your pussy, 43303Be sure to keep him in. 43304Don't let him argue with a truck, If he tries to play 43305The truck is bound to win. On the road way 43306And upon the busy road, I'm afraid that will be that, 43307Don't let him play or frolic. There will be one last despairing 43308If you do, I'm warning you, "Meow!" 43309It could be cat-astrophic! And a sort of squelchy Splat! 43310 And your pussy will be slightly dead, 43311He's nobody's moggy -- And very, very flat! 43312Just red and squashed and soggy -- 43313He's nobody's moggy now. 43314 -- Eric Bogle, "Scraps of Paper" 43315% 43316Somebody's terminal is dropping bits. 43317I found a pile of them over in the corner. 43318% 43319Someday somebody has got to decide whether the 43320typewriter is the machine, or the person who operates it. 43321% 43322Someday, Weederman, we'll look back on all this and laugh... It will 43323probably be one of those deep, eerie ones that slowly builds to a 43324blood-curdling maniacal scream... but still it will be a laugh. 43325 -- Mister Boffo 43326% 43327Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car. 43328 -- Evan Davis 43329% 43330Someday you'll get your big chance -- or have you already had it? 43331% 43332Someday your prints will come. 43333 -- Kodak 43334% 43335Somehow I reached excess without ever noticing 43336when I was passing through satisfaction. 43337 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 43338% 43339Somehow, the world always affects you more than you affect it. 43340% 43341Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York 43342City. One is "Hey, taxi." Two is, "What train do I take to get to 43343Bloomingdale's?" And three is, "Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound." 43344 -- David Letterman 43345% 43346Someone is speaking well of you. 43347How unusual! 43348% 43349Someone is unenthusiastic about your work. 43350% 43351Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow. 43352% 43353Someone will try to honk your nose today. 43354% 43355Something better... 43356 43357 1 (obvious): Excuse me. Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face? 43358 2 (meteorological): Everybody take cover. She's going to blow. 43359 3 (fashionable): You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore 43360 something larger. Like ... Wyoming. 43361 4 (personal): Well, here we are. Just the three of us. 43362 5 (punctual): Alright gentlemen. Your nose was on time but you were fifteen 43363 minutes late. 43364 6 (envious): Oooo, I wish I were you. Gosh. To be able to smell your 43365 own ear. 43366 7 (naughty): Pardon me, Sir. Some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn't 43367 mind putting that thing away. 43368 8 (philosophical): You know. It's not the size of a nose that's important. 43369 It's what's in it that matters. 43370 9 (humorous): Laugh and the world laughs with you. Sneeze and its goodbye 43371 Seattle. 4337210 (commercial): Hi, I'm Earl Schibe and I can paint that nose for $39.95. 4337311 (polite): Ah. Would you mind not bobbing your head. The orchestra keeps 43374 changing tempo. 4337512 (melodic): Everybody! "He's got the whole world in his nose." 43376 -- Steve Martin, "Roxanne" 43377% 43378Something unpleasant is coming when men are anxious to tell the truth. 43379 -- Benjamin Disraeli 43380% 43381Something's rotten in the state of Denmark. 43382 -- William Shakespeare 43383% 43384Sometime when you least expect it, Love will tap you on the shoulder... 43385and ask you to move out of the way because it still isn't your turn. 43386 -- N. V. Plyter 43387% 43388Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. 43389 -- Sigmund Freud 43390% 43391Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a 43392fool is despised only because he is a lawyer. 43393 -- Montesquieu 43394% 43395Sometimes, at the end of the day, when I'm 43396smiling and shaking their hands, I want to kick them. 43397 -- Richard M. Nixon 43398% 43399Sometimes even to live is an act of courage. 43400 -- Seneca 43401% 43402Sometimes I feel like I'm fading away, 43403Looking at me, I got nothin' to say. 43404Don't make me angry with the things games that you play, 43405Either light up or leave me alone. 43406% 43407Sometimes I get the feeling that I went to a party on Perry Lane in 1962, and 43408the party spilled out of the house, and came down the street, and covered the 43409world. 43410 -- Robert Stone 43411% 43412Sometimes I live in the country, 43413And sometimes I live in town. 43414And sometimes I have a great notion, 43415To jump in the river and drown. 43416% 43417Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm 43418the only ashtray. 43419% 43420Sometimes I wonder if I'm in my right mind. 43421Then it passes off and I'm as intelligent as ever. 43422 -- Samuel Beckett, "Endgame" 43423% 43424Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world. 43425 -- Lily Tomlin 43426% 43427Sometimes it happens. People just explode. Natural causes. 43428 -- Repo Man 43429% 43430Sometimes love ain't nothing but a misunderstanding between two fools. 43431% 43432SOMETIMES THE BEAUTY OF THE WORLD is so overwhelming, I just want to throw 43433back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle and I don't care who hears 43434me because I am beautiful. 43435 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 43436% 43437Sometimes the best medicine is to stop taking something. 43438% 43439Sometimes the light is all shining on me, 43440Other times I can hardly see. 43441Lately it occurs to me 43442What a long strange trip it's been. 43443 -- The Grateful Dead, "American Beauty" 43444% 43445Sometimes, too long is too long. 43446 -- Joe Crowe 43447% 43448Sometimes when I get up in the morning, I feel very peculiar. I feel 43449like I've just got to bite a cat! I feel like if I don't bite a cat 43450before sundown, I'll go crazy! But then I just take a deep breath and 43451forget about it. That's what is known as real maturity. 43452 -- Snoopy 43453% 43454Sometimes, when I think of what that girl means 43455to me, it's all I can do to keep from telling her. 43456 -- Andy Capp 43457% 43458Sometimes when you look into his eyes you get the feeling that someone 43459else is driving. 43460 -- David Letterman 43461% 43462Sometimes you get an almost irresistible urge to go on living. 43463% 43464Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering. 43465% 43466Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a 43467woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. 43468 -- Sam Levenson 43469% 43470Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known. 43471 -- Carl Sagan 43472% 43473Son, someday a man is going to walk up to you with a deck of cards on which 43474the seal is not yet broken. And he is going to offer to bet you that he can 43475make the Ace of Spades jump out of the deck and squirt cider in your ears. 43476But son, do not bet this man, for you will end up with an ear full of cider. 43477 -- Sky Masterson's Father 43478% 43479Song Title of the Week: 43480 "They're putting dimes in the hole in my head to see the change 43481in me." 43482% 43483Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have already 43484paid may disregard this fortune). 43485% 43486Sorry. I forget what I was going to say. 43487% 43488Sorry. Nice try. 43489% 43490Sorry never means having you're say to love. 43491% 43492Sorry, no fortune this time. 43493% 43494Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind- 43495bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the 43496road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space. 43497 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 43498% 43499Space is to place as eternity is to time. 43500 -- Joseph Joubert 43501% 43502Space tells matter how to move and matter tells space how to curve. 43503 -- Wheeler 43504% 43505Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. 43506Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds; to seek out new life 43507and new civilizations; to boldly go where no man has gone before. 43508 -- Captain James T. Kirk 43509% 43510Spagmumps, n.: 43511 Any of the millions of Styrofoam wads that accompany mail-order items. 43512 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 43513% 43514Spare no expense to save money on this one. 43515 -- Samuel Goldwyn 43516% 43517Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers: 43518 If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as 43519if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question 43520back at him. 43521% 43522Speak roughly to your little boy, 43523 And beat him when he sneezes: 43524He only does it to annoy 43525 Because he knows it teases. 43526 43527 Wow! wow! wow! 43528 43529I speak severely to my boy, 43530 And beat him when he sneezes: 43531For he can thoroughly enjoy 43532 The pepper when he pleases! 43533 43534 Wow! wow! wow! 43535 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865) 43536% 43537Speak roughly to your little VAX, 43538 And boot it when it crashes; 43539It knows that one cannot relax 43540 Because the paging thrashes! 43541 43542 Wow! Wow! Wow! 43543 43544I speak severely to my VAX, 43545 And boot it when it crashes; 43546In spite of all my favorite hacks 43547 My jobs it always thrashes! 43548 43549 Wow! Wow! Wow! 43550% 43551Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword. 43552% 43553Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman. 43554 -- Dave Millman 43555% 43556"Speak, thou vast and venerable head," muttered Ahab, "which, though 43557ungarnished with a beard, yet here and there lookest hoary with mosses; speak, 43558mighty head, and tell us the secret thing that is in thee. Of all divers, 43559thou has dived the deepest. That head upon which the upper sun now gleams has 43560moved amid the world's foundations. Where unrecorded names and navies rust, 43561and untold hopes and anchors rot; where in her murderous hold this frigate 43562earth is ballasted with bones of millions of the drowned; there, in that awful 43563water-land, there was thy most familiar home. Thou hast been where bell or 43564diver never went; has slept by many a sailer's side, where sleepless mothers 43565would give their lives to lay them down. Thou saw'st the locked lovers when 43566leaping from their flaming ship; heart to heart they sank beneath the exulting 43567wave; true to each other, when heaven seemed false to them. Thou saw'st the 43568murdered mate when tossed by pirates from the midnight deck; for hours he fell 43569into the deeper midnight of the insatiate maw; and his murderers still sailed 43570on unharmed -- while swift lightnings shivered the neighboring ship that would 43571have borne a righteous husband to outstretched, longing arms. O head! thou has 43572seen enough to split the planets and make an infidel of Abraham, and not one 43573syllable is thine!" 43574 -- H. Melville, "Moby Dick" 43575% 43576Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am 43577sure that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging, 43578cycle-grabbing, all-encompassing monster. Allocate an array and free 43579the middle third? Sure! Why not? Multiply a character string times a 43580bit string and assign the result to a float decimal? Go ahead! Free a 43581controlled variable procedure parameter and reallocate it before 43582passing it back? Overlay three different types of variable on the same 43583memory location? Anything you say! Write a recursive macro? Well, 43584no, but Real Men use rescan. How could a language so obviously 43585designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use? 43586% 43587Speaking of Godzilla and other things that convey horror: 43588 43589 With a purposeful grimace and a Mongo-like flair 43590 He throws the spinning disk drives in the air! 43591 And he picks up a Vax and he throws it back down 43592 As he wades through the lab making terrible sounds! 43593 Helpless users with projects due 43594 Scream "My God!" as he stomps on the tape drives, too! 43595 43596 Oh, no! He says Unix runs too slow! Go, go, DECzilla! 43597 Oh, yes! He's gonna bring up VMS! Go, go, DECzilla!" 43598 43599* VMS is a trademark of Digital Equipment Corporation 43600* DECzilla is a trademark of Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of Death, Inc. 43601 -- Curtis Jackson 43602% 43603Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently 43604these days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people 43605to communicate with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't 43606communicate, children who can't communicate with their parents, and so 43607on. And the characters in these books and plays and so on (and in real 43608life, I might add) spend hours bemoaning the fact that they can't 43609communicate. I feel that if a person can't communicate, the very _____least 43610he can do is to Shut Up! 43611 -- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was" 43612% 43613Speaking of purchasing a dog, never buy a watchdog that's 43614on sale. After all, everyone knows a bargain dog never bites! 43615% 43616Special tonight, the best toot in town at prices you won't believe!! 43617Also, the finest dope, brought all the way from Columbia by spirited 43618young adventurers. All available tonight, as usual, in the graduate 43619students bullpen from 11: pm on, usual terms and conditions. 43620Faculty members especially welcome. 43621% 43622Speed is subsittute fo accurancy. 43623% 43624Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour unless the 43625motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a drink in 30 days, 43626when the driver will be permitted to make what he can. 43627 -- Proposed legislation, Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907 43628% 43629Speer's 1st Law of Proofreading: 43630 The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the 43631number of times you have looked at it. 43632% 43633Spelling is a lossed art. 43634% 43635Spence's Admonition: 43636 Never stow away on a kamikaze plane. 43637% 43638Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers. 43639% 43640SPINSTER: 43641 A bachelor's wife. 43642% 43643Spirtle, n.: 43644 The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in 43645 your eye. 43646 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 43647% 43648Spock: The odds of surviving another 43649attack are 13562190123 to 1, Captain. 43650% 43651Spock: We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain. 43652% 43653Spouse, n.: 43654 Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you 43655 wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single. 43656% 43657Spring is here, spring is here, 43658Life is skittles and life is beer. 43659% 43660Squatcho, n.: 43661 The button at the top of a baseball cap. 43662 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 43663% 43664Squirrels eating squirrels, my God, that's sick. 43665% 43666St. Patrick was a gentleman 43667who through strategy and stealth 43668drove all the snakes from Ireland. 43669Here's a toasting to his health -- 43670but not too many toastings 43671lest you lose yourself and then 43672forget the good St. Patrick 43673and see all those snakes again. 43674% 43675Stability itself is nothing else than a more sluggish motion. 43676% 43677Staff meeting in the conference room in 3 minutes. 43678% 43679Stamp out organized crime!! Abolish the IRS. 43680% 43681Stamp out philately. 43682% 43683STANDARDS: 43684 The principles we use to reject other people's code. 43685% 43686Standards are different for all things, so the standard set by man is by 43687no means the only "certain" standard. If you mistake what is relative for 43688something certain, you have strayed far from the ultimate truth. 43689 -- Chuang Tzu 43690% 43691Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down. 43692% 43693Stanford women are responsible for the success of many Stanford men: 43694they give them "just one more reason" to stay in and study every night. 43695% 43696"Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist 43697drivel; Star Trek can turn your brains to pur'ee of bat guano; and the 43698greatest science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll 43699take you all on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up!" 43700 -- Harlan Ellison 43701% 43702Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. 43703 -- W. C. Fields 43704% 43705Start the day with a smile. 43706After that you can be your nasty old self again. 43707% 43708State license plates we'd like to see: 43709 43710 NEVADA MASSACHUSETTS 43711 LVME 10DR OW-A CAH 43712LAND OF 10,00 ELVIS IMPERSONATORS THE GOOFY ACCENT STATE 43713 43714 HAWAII WISCONSIN 43715 L-O HA CHEDDAR 43716FRUITY UMBRELLA COCKTAIL WONDERLAND EAT CHEESE OR DIE 43717% 43718State license plates we'd like to see: 43719 43720 ALABAMA ARIZONA 43721 IC1 NOW 120 F 43722THE UFO SIGHTING STATE THE HEAT PROSTRATION STATE 43723 43724 CONNECTICUT MISSISSIPPI 43725 5:36 EXP 4I4S2PS 43726WHERE THE SMART NY WORK FORCE LIVES THE MOST OFTEN MISSPELLED STATE 43727 43728 TEXAS FLORIDA 43729 1-2-3 HIKE ZON KED 43730PLAY FOOTBALL OR DIE AMERICA'S DRUG DEALER 43731% 43732State license plates we'd like to see: 43733 43734 MICHIGAN CALIFORNIA 43735 4-GET 74-77 EGO-MN-E-X 43736EMBARRASSED HOME STATE OF GERALD FORD THE SERIAL KILLER STATE 43737 43738 NORTH CAROLINA NEW JERSEY 43739 WL-GOLLY ARG GGH 43740HOME OF GOMER, GOOBER AND JESSE HELMS FIRST IN TOXIC WASTE 43741 43742 KANSAS WASHINGTON DC 43743 TOTO -2 $10000000 ETC 43744THE NOT MUCH SINCE THE WIZARD OF OZ WASTING YOUR MONEY SINCE 1810 43745 MOVIE STATE 43746% 43747STATISTICS: 43748 A system for expressing your political 43749 prejudices in convincing scientific guise. 43750% 43751Statistics are no substitute for judgment. 43752 -- Henry Clay 43753% 43754Statistics means never having to say you're certain. 43755% 43756Stay away from flying saucers today. 43757% 43758Stay away from hurricanes for a while. 43759% 43760Stay the curse. 43761% 43762Stay together, drag each other down. 43763% 43764Stayed in bed all morning just to pass the time, 43765There's something wrong here, there can be no more denying, 43766One of us is changing, or maybe we just stopped trying, 43767 43768And it's too late, baby, now, it's too late, 43769Though we really did try to make it, 43770Something inside has died and I can't hide and I just can't fake it... 43771 43772It used to be so easy living here with you, 43773You were light and breezy and I knew just what to do 43774Now you look so unhappy and I feel like a fool. 43775 43776There'll be good times again for me and you, 43777But we just can't stay together, don't you feel it too? 43778But I'm glad for what we had and that I once loved you... 43779 43780But it's too late baby... 43781It's too late, now darling, it's too late... 43782 -- Carol King, "Tapestry" 43783% 43784Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time. So 43785long as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental 43786hooks into, there is room for lateral movement. Once this begins, 43787its rate is a matter of discretion. 43788 -- Corwin, "Prince of Amber" 43789% 43790Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly. 43791% 43792Steckel's Rule to Success: 43793 Good enough is never good enough. 43794% 43795Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy: 43796 Everybody should believe in something -- 43797 I believe I'll have another drink. 43798% 43799Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming: 43800 Never test for an error condition you don't know how to 43801handle. 43802% 43803Stellar rays prove fibbing never pays. 43804Embezzlement is another matter. 43805% 43806Stenderup's Law: 43807 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up. 43808% 43809Step back, unbelievers! 43810Or the rain will never come. 43811Somebody keep the fire burning, someone come and beat the drum. 43812You may think I'm crazy, you may think that I'm insane, 43813But I swear to you, before this day is out, 43814 you folks are gonna see some rain! 43815% 43816Still a few bugs in the system... Someday I have to tell you about Uncle 43817Nahum from Maine, who spent years trying to cross a jellyfish with a shad 43818so he could breed boneless shad. His experiment backfired too, and he 43819wound up with bony jellyfish... which was hardly worth the trouble. There's 43820very little call for those up there. 43821 -- Allucquere R. "Sandy" Stone 43822% 43823Still looking for the glorious results of my misspent youth. 43824Say, do you have a map to the next joint? 43825% 43826Stinginess with privileges is kindness in disguise. 43827 -- Guide to VAX/VMS Security, Sep. 1984 43828% 43829Stock's Observation: 43830 You no sooner get your head above water 43831 but what someone pulls your flippers off. 43832% 43833Stone's Law: 43834 One man's "simple" is another man's "huh?" 43835% 43836Stop! There was first a game of blindman's buff. Of course there was. 43837And I no more believe Topper was really blind than I believe he had eyes 43838in his boots. My opinion is, that it was a done thing between him and 43839Scrooge's nephew; and that the Ghost of Christmas Present knew it. The 43840way he went after that plump sister in the lace tucker, was an outrage 43841on the credulity of human nature. 43842% 43843Stop me, before I kill again! 43844% 43845Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. 43846Now, if they'd only take a bath... 43847% 43848Stop searching forever. Happiness is unattainable. 43849% 43850Strange things are done to be number one 43851In selling the computer The Druids were entrepreneurs, 43852IBM has their strategem And they built a granite box 43853Which steadily grows acuter, It tracked the moon, warned of monsoons, 43854And Honeywell competes like Hell, And forecast the equinox 43855But the story's missing link Their price was right, their future 43856Is the system old at Stonemenge sold bright, 43857By the firm of Druids, Inc. The prototype was sold; 43858 From Stonehenge site their bits and byte 43859 Would ship for Celtic gold. 43860The movers came to crate the frame; 43861It weighed a million ton! 43862The traffic folk thought it a joke The man spoke true, and thus to you 43863(the wagon wheels just spun); A warning from the ages; 43864"They'll nay sell that," the foreman Your stock will slip if you can't ship 43865 spat, What's in your brochure's pages. 43866"Just leave the wild weeds grow; See if it sells without the bells 43867"It's Druid-kind, over-designed, And strings that ring and quiver; 43868"And belly up they'll go." Druid repute went down the chute 43869 Because they couldn't deliver. 43870 -- Edward C. McManus, "The Computer at Stonehenge" 43871% 43872STRATEGY: 43873 A comprehensive plan of inaction. 43874% 43875Strategy: 43876 A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until sometime 43877 after those creating it have left the organization. 43878% 43879Straw? No, too stupid a fad. I put soot on warts. 43880% 43881Stress has been pinpointed as a major cause of illness. To avoid overload 43882and burnout, keep stress out of your life. Give it to others instead. Learn 43883the "Gaslight" treatment, the "Are you talking to me?" technique, and the 43884"Do you feel okay? You look pale." approach. Start with negotiation and 43885implication. Advance to manipulation and humiliation. Above all, relax 43886and have a nice day. 43887% 43888Stuckness shouldn't be avoided. It's the psychic predecessor of all 43889real understanding. An egoless acceptance of stuckness is a key to an 43890understanding of all Quality, in mechanical work as in other endeavors. 43891 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" 43892% 43893Stult's Report: 43894 Our problems are mostly behind us. 43895 What we have to do now is fight the solutions. 43896% 43897Stupid, n.: 43898 Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay. 43899% 43900Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out? 43901% 43902Stupidity is its own reward. 43903% 43904Sturgeon's Law: 43905 90% of everything is crud. 43906% 43907Style may not be the answer, but at least it's a workable alternative. 43908% 43909Suaviter in modo, fortiter in re. 43910Se non e vero, e ben trovato. 43911% 43912Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your 43913editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. 43914 -- Mark Twain 43915% 43916Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way 43917before it is understood. 43918% 43919Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names 43920the streets after them. 43921 -- Bill Vaughn 43922% 43923Success is a journey, not a destination. 43924% 43925Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get. 43926% 43927Success is in the minds of Fools. 43928 -- William Wrenshaw, 1578 43929% 43930Success is relative: It is what we can make of the mess we have 43931made of things. 43932 -- T. S. Eliot, "The Family Reunion" 43933% 43934Success is something I will dress for when I get there, and not until. 43935% 43936Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring. 43937% 43938Such a fine first dream! 43939But they laughed at me; they said 43940I had made it up. 43941% 43942Such a foolish notion, that war is called devotion, 43943when the greatest warriors are the ones who stand for peace. 43944% 43945Such efforts are almost always slow, laborious, political, 43946petty, boring, ponderous, thankless, and of the utmost criticality. 43947 -- Leonard Kleinrock, on standards efforts 43948% 43949Such evil deeds could religion prompt. 43950 -- Titus Lucretius Carus 43951% 43952Sudden Death Dating: 43953 43954Quote, female: 43955 Am I worried about taking his last name? Forget it, 43956 at this point I'll take his first name, too. 43957% 43958Suddenly, Professor Liebowitz realizes he has come to the seminar 43959without his duck ... 43960% 43961Suffering alone exists, none who suffer; 43962The deed there is, but no doer thereof; 43963Nirvana is, but no one is seeking it; 43964The Path there is, but none who travel it. 43965 -- "Buddhist Symbolism", Symbols and Values 43966% 43967Suggest you just sit there and wait till life gets easier. 43968% 43969Suicide is simply a case of mistaken identity. 43970% 43971Suicide is the sincerest form of self-criticism. 43972 -- Donald Kaul 43973% 43974Sum quod eris. 43975% 43976Sun in the night, everyone is together, 43977Ascending into the heavens, life is forever. 43978 -- Brand X, "Moroccan Roll/Sun in the Night" 43979% 43980SUN Microsystems: 43981 The Network IS the Load Average. 43982% 43983(Sung to the tune of "The Impossible Dream" from MAN OF LA MANCHA) 43984 43985 To code the impossible code, 43986 To bring up a virgin machine, 43987 To pop out of endless recursion, 43988 To grok what appears on the screen, 43989 43990 To right the unrightable bug, 43991 To endlessly twiddle and thrash, 43992 To mount the unmountable magtape, 43993 To stop the unstoppable crash! 43994% 43995SUNSET: 43996 Pronounced atmospheric scattering of shorter wavelengths, 43997 resulting in selective transmission below 650 nanometers with 43998 progressively reducing solar elevation. 43999% 44000Superstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy 44001have ample wages, but truth goes a-begging. 44002 -- Martin Luther 44003% 44004Superstitions typically involve seeing order where in fact there is 44005none, and denial amounts to rejecting evidence of regularities, 44006sometimes even ones that are staring us in the face. 44007 -- Murray Gell-Mann, "Quark and the Jaguar" 44008% 44009Supervisor: Do you think you understand the basic ideas of Quantum Mechanics? 44010Supervisee: Ah! Well, what do we mean by "to understand" in the context of 44011 Quantum Mechanics? 44012Supervisor: You mean "No", don't you? 44013Supervisee: Yes. 44014 -- Overheard at a supervision 44015% 44016Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have! 44017% 44018Support Bingo, keep Grandma off the streets. 44019% 44020Support mental health or I'LL KILL YOU!!!! 44021% 44022Support the American Kidney Foundation. 44023Don't wear your motorcycle helmet. 44024% 44025Support the Girl Scouts! 44026 (Today's Brownie is tomorrow's Cookie!) 44027% 44028Support wildlife -- vote for an orgy. 44029% 44030Support your local church or synagogue. 44031Worship at Bank of America. 44032% 44033Support your local police force -- steal!! 44034% 44035Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost. 44036% 44037Support your right to arm bears!! 44038% 44039Support your right to bare arms! 44040 -- A message from the National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association 44041% 44042Suppose for a moment that the automobile industry had developed at the same 44043rate as computers and over the same period: how much cheaper and more 44044efficient would the current models be? If you have not already heard the 44045analogy, the answer is shattering. Today you would be able to buy a 44046Rolls-Royce for $2.75, it would do three million miles to the gallon, and 44047it would deliver enough power to drive the Queen Elizabeth II. And if you 44048were interested in miniaturization, you could place half a dozen of them on 44049a pinhead. 44050 -- Christopher Evans 44051% 44052Sure he's sharp as a razor ... he's a two-dimensional pinhead! 44053% 44054Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests. 44055But what if he forgets? 44056% 44057Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest 44058men in national government too. 44059 -- Richard M. Nixon 44060% 44061Surly to bed, surly to rise, makes you about average. 44062% 44063Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S Audit! 44064Just type in your name and social security number. 44065Please remember that leaving the room is punishable under law: 44066 44067Name # 44068 44069 44070% 44071Surprise due today. Also the rent. 44072% 44073Surprise your boss. Get to work on time. 44074% 44075Sushi, n.: 44076 When that-which-may-still-be-alive is put on top of rice and 44077 strapped on with electrical tape. 44078% 44079Sushido, n.: 44080 The way of the tuna. 44081% 44082Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind. 44083 -- William Shakespeare 44084% 44085Swahili, n.: 44086 The language used by the National Enquirer to print their 44087retractions. 44088 -- Johnny Hart 44089% 44090Swap read error. You lose your mind. 44091% 44092SWEATER: 44093 A garment worn by a child when their mother feels chilly. 44094% 44095Sweater, n.: 44096 A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly. 44097% 44098Sweet April showers do spring May flowers. 44099 -- Thomas Tusser 44100% 44101Sweet sixteen is beautiful Bess, 44102And her voice is changing -- from "No" to "Yes". 44103% 44104Swerve me? The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails, 44105whereon my soul is grooved to run. Over unsounded gorges, through 44106the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly 44107I rush! 44108 -- Captain Ahab, "Moby Dick" 44109% 44110Swipple's Rule of Order: 44111 He who shouts the loudest has the floor. 44112% 44113Symbolic representation of quantitative entities is doomed to its rightful 44114place of minor importance in a world where flowers and beautiful women abound. 44115 -- Albert Einstein 44116% 44117Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is 44118 unusually pale and clear. 44119Problem: Glass empty. 44120Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer. 44121 44122Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, 44123 and the front of your shirt is wet. 44124Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to 44125 wrong part of face. 44126Action Required: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. 44127 Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique. 44128 44129 -- Bar Troubleshooting 44130% 44131Symptom: Everything has gone dark. 44132Fault: The Bar is closing. 44133Action Required: Panic. 44134 44135Symptom: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. 44136 You cannot see the bathroom light. 44137Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter. 44138Action Required: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, 44139 treat yourself to a lie-in. 44140 44141 -- Bar Troubleshooting 44142% 44143Symptom: Feet cold and wet, glass empty. 44144Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle. 44145Action Required: Turn glass other way up so that open end points 44146 toward ceiling. 44147 44148Symptom: Feet warm and wet. 44149Fault: Improper bladder control. 44150Action Required: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain 44151 to the owner about its lack of house training and 44152 demand a beer as compensation. 44153 44154 -- Bar Troubleshooting 44155% 44156Symptom: Floor blurred. 44157Fault: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. 44158Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer. 44159 44160Symptom: Floor moving. 44161Fault: You are being carried out. 44162Action Required: Find out if you are taken to another bar. If not, 44163 complain loudly that you are being kidnaped. 44164 44165 -- Bar Troubleshooting 44166% 44167Symptom: Floor swaying. 44168Fault: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey 44169 game in progress. 44170Action Required: Insert broom handle down back of jacket. 44171 44172Symptom: Everything has gone dim, strange taste of peanuts 44173 and pretzels or cigarette butts in mouth. 44174Fault: You have fallen forward. 44175Action Required: See above. 44176 44177Symptom: Opposite wall covered with acoustic tile and several 44178 fluorescent light strips. 44179Fault: You have fallen over backward. 44180Action Required: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your 44181 drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help 44182 you get up, lash yourself to bar. 44183 44184 -- Bar Troubleshooting 44185% 44186Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon. 44187 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 44188% 44189System checkpoint complete. 44190% 44191System going down at 1:45 this afternoon for disk crashing. 44192% 44193System going down at 5 this afternoon to install scheduler bug. 44194% 44195System going down in 5 minutes. 44196% 44197System restarting, wait... 44198% 44199System/3! System/3! 44200See how it runs! See how it runs! 44201 Its monitor loses so totally! 44202 It runs all its programs in RPG! 44203 It's made by our favorite monopoly! 44204System/3! 44205% 44206SYSTEM-INDEPENDENT: 44207 Works equally poorly on all systems. 44208% 44209Systems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad 44210infinitum -- which is why we're always starting over. 44211 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 44212% 44213Systems programmer: 44214 A person in sandals who has been in the elevator with the senior 44215 vice president and is ultimately responsible for a phone call you 44216 are to receive from your boss. 44217% 44218Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult. 44219 -- R. S. Barton 44220% 44221T: One big monster, he called TROLL. 44222 He don't rock, and he don't roll; 44223 Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies. 44224 He just Love To Eat Them Roguies. 44225 -- The Roguelet's ABC 44226% 44227TACKY: 44228 Serving grape Kool-Aid at religious functions. 44229% 44230Tact consists in knowing how far to go in going too far. 44231 -- Jean Cocteau 44232% 44233Tact in audacity is knowing how far you can go without going too far. 44234 -- Jean Cocteau 44235% 44236Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a 44237hole in his head. 44238% 44239Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy. 44240% 44241Tact, n.: 44242 The unsaid part of what you're thinking. 44243% 44244Take a lesson from the whale; the only time 44245he gets speared is when he raises to spout. 44246% 44247Take an astronaut to launch. 44248% 44249Take care of the luxuries and the 44250necessities will take care of themselves. 44251 -- L. Long 44252% 44253Take Care of the Molehills, and the Mountains Will Take Care of Themselves. 44254 -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service 44255% 44256Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way. 44257% 44258TAKE FORCEFUL ACTION: 44259 Do something that should have been done a long time ago. 44260% 44261Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting 44262enough cheese. 44263 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 44264% 44265Take it easy, we're in a hurry. 44266% 44267Take me drunk, 44268I'm home again! 44269% 44270Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, but it 44271needs a very clever woman to manage a fool. 44272 -- Kipling 44273% 44274Take time to reflect on all the things you have, not as a result of your 44275merit or hard work or because God or chance or the efforts of other people 44276have given them to you. 44277% 44278Take what you can use and let the rest go by. 44279 -- Ken Kesey 44280% 44281Take your dying with some seriousness, however. Laughing on the way to 44282your execution is not generally understood by less advanced life forms, 44283and they'll call you crazy. 44284 -- "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul" 44285% 44286Take your Senator to lunch this week. 44287% 44288Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do not 44289take what happens either to yourself or your work seriously. 44290 -- Booth Tarkington 44291% 44292Taking drugs in the 60's, I tried to reach Nirvana, but all I ever 44293got were re-runs of The Mickey Mouse Club. 44294 -- Rev. Jim 44295% 44296Talk is cheap because supply always exceeds demand. 44297% 44298Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish. 44299 -- Euripides 44300% 44301Talkers are no good doers. 44302 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 44303% 44304Talking about music is like dancing about architecture. 44305 -- Laurie Anderson 44306% 44307Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself. 44308 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 44309% 44310Tallulah Bankhead barged down the 44311Nile last night as Cleopatra and sank. 44312 -- John Mason Brown, drama critic 44313% 44314Tan me hide when I'm dead, Fred, 44315Tan me hide when I'm dead. 44316So we tanned his hide when he died, Clyde, 44317It's hanging there on the shed. 44318 44319All together now... 44320 Tie me kangaroo down, sport, 44321 Tie me kangaroo down. 44322 Tie me kangaroo down, sport, 44323 Tie me kangaroo down. 44324% 44325Tart words make no friends; a spoonful of honey 44326will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar. 44327 -- Benjamin Franklin 44328% 44329TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20) 44330 You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged 44331 determination and work like hell. Most people think you are 44332 stubborn and bull headed. You are a Communist. 44333% 44334TAURUS (Apr. 20 to May 20) 44335 Let your self-confidence and determination shine, and people will 44336 find you boorish and headstrong. Travel, promotion, and romance 44337 highlighted, if you live long enough. Don't take any wooden nickels. 44338% 44339TAURUS (Apr.20 - May 20) 44340 Take advantage of this opportunity to get a little extra sleep, 44341 because you're going to miss the bus again today anyway. You will 44342 decide to lose weight today, just like yesterday. 44343% 44344TAX OFFICE: 44345 Den of inequity. 44346% 44347Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind 44348the tree." 44349 -- Russell Long 44350% 44351Taxes are going up so fast, the government is likely to price itself 44352out of the market. 44353% 44354Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed. 44355% 44356Taxes, n.: 44357 Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get 44358 an extension. 44359% 44360TCP/IP Slang Glossary, #1: 44361 44362Gong, n: Medieval term for privvy, or what passed for them in that era. 44363Today used whimsically to describe the aftermath of a bogon attack. Think 44364of our community as the Galapagos of the English language. 44365 44366Vogons may read you bad poetry, but bogons make you study obsolete RFCs. 44367 -- Dave Mills 44368% 44369Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, 44370when they grow up, they won't be able to edge a car onto a freeway. 44371% 44372Teachers have class. 44373% 44374TEAMWORK: 44375 Having someone to blame. 44376% 44377Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else. 44378% 44379Technicality, n.: 44380 In an English court a man named Home was tried for slander in having 44381accused a neighbor of murder. His exact words were: "Sir Thomas Holt hath 44382taken a cleaver and stricken his cook upon the head, so that one side of his 44383head fell on one shoulder and the other side upon the other shoulder." The 44384defendant was acquitted by instruction of the court, the learned judges 44385holding that the words did not charge murder, for they did not affirm the 44386death of the cook, that being only an inference. 44387 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 44388% 44389"Technique?" said the programmer turning from his terminal, "What I follow 44390is Tao -- beyond all technique! When I first began to program I would see 44391before me the whole problem in one mass. After three years I no longer saw 44392this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing. My whole 44393being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit, free to 44394work without plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program writes 44395itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them coming, I 44396slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code and the 44397difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the program. 44398I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my eyes for 44399a moment and then log off." 44400% 44401Technological progress has merely provided us with more efficient means 44402for going backwards. 44403 -- Aldous Huxley 44404% 44405Teeth for meat are in the mouth -- 44406Teeth for humans are in the soul. 44407A strong body defeats one, 44408A strong soul conquers many. 44409 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan 44410% 44411Tehee quod she, and clapte the wyndow to. 44412 -- Geoffrey Chaucer 44413% 44414Telephone books are like dictionaries -- if you know the answer before 44415you look it up, you can eventually reaffirm what you thought you knew 44416but weren't sure. But if you're searching for something you don't 44417already know, your fingers could walk themselves to death. 44418 -- Erma Bombeck 44419% 44420Telephone, n.: 44421 An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the 44422advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance. 44423 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 44424% 44425Telepression, n.: 44426 The deep-seated guilt which stems from knowing that you did not try 44427 hard enough to look up the number on your own and instead put the 44428 burden on the directory assistant. 44429 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 44430% 44431Television -- a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done. 44432 -- Ernie Kovacs 44433% 44434Television -- the longest amateur night in history. 44435 -- Robert Carson 44436% 44437Television has brought back murder into the home -- where it belongs. 44438 -- Alfred Hitchcock 44439% 44440Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than 44441each other. 44442 -- Ann Landers 44443% 44444Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. 44445 -- attributed to both Fred Allen and Ernie Kovacs 44446% 44447Television is now so desperately hungry for material 44448that it is scraping the top of the barrel. 44449 -- Gore Vidal 44450% 44451Television only proves that people will look at anything -- 44452rather than each other. 44453% 44454Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll 44455believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have 44456to touch to be sure. 44457% 44458Tell me, O Octopus, I begs, 44459Is those things arms, or is they legs? 44460I marvel at thee, Octopus; 44461If I were thou, I'd call me us. 44462 -- Ogden Nash 44463% 44464Tell me what to think!!! 44465% 44466Tell me why the stars do shine, 44467Tell me why the ivy twines, 44468Tell me why the sky's so blue, 44469And I will tell you just why I love you. 44470 44471 Nuclear fusion makes stars to shine, 44472 Phototropism makes ivy twine, 44473 Rayleigh scattering makes sky so blue, 44474 Sexual hormones are why I love you. 44475% 44476Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally 44477promoting a falsehood, isn't it? 44478 -- A. Hope 44479% 44480Tempt me with a spoon! 44481% 44482Tempt not a desperate man. 44483 -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet" 44484% 44485Ten of the meanest cons in the state pen met in the corner of the yard to 44486shoot some craps. The stakes were enormous, the tension palpable. 44487 When his turn came to shoot, Dutsky nervously plunked down his 44488entire wad, shook the dice and rolled. A smile crossed his face as a 44489seven showed up, but it quickly changed to horror as third die slipped out 44490of his sleeve and fell to the ground with the two others. No one said a 44491word. Finally, Killer Lucci picked up the third die, put it in his pocket 44492and handed the others to Dutsky. 44493 "Roll 'em," Lucci said. "Your point is thirteen." 44494% 44495Ten persons who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent. 44496 -- Napoleon I 44497% 44498Ten years of rejection slips is nature's 44499way of telling you to stop writing. 44500 -- R. Geis 44501% 44502Terence, this is stupid stuff: 44503You eat your victuals fast enough; 44504There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear, 44505To see the rate you drink your beer. 44506But oh, good Lord, the verse you make, 44507It gives a chap the belly-ache. 44508The cow, the old cow, she is dead; 44509It sleeps well the horned head: 44510We poor lads, 'tis our turn now 44511To hear such tunes as killed the cow. 44512Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme 44513Your friends to death before their time. 44514Moping, melancholy mad: 44515Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad. 44516 -- A. E. Housman 44517% 44518Term, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave 44519school, and then work, work, work till we die. 44520 -- C. S. Lewis 44521% 44522Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a surprising 44523amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one hand considered 44524the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other hand were unwilling 44525to risk offending God's grandmother. 44526 -- Len Cool, "American Pie" 44527% 44528Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a 44529pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city until 44530about his 35th year, when he became a Christian. [...] To him is 44531ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe 44532because it is absurd). This does not altogether accord with historical 44533fact, for he merely said: "And the Son of God died, which is immediately 44534credible because it is absurd. And buried he rose again, which is 44535certain because it is impossible." Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, 44536he saw through the poverty of philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and 44537contemptuously rejected it. 44538 -- Carl G. Jung, "Psychological Types" 44539 [Tertullian was one of the founders of the Catholic 44540 Church. Ed.] 44541% 44542Test for paraquat: 44543 Take amount of grass used in one joint, and wash in 5 cc's 44544 of water, agitating gently for 15 minutes. Strain out leaves, 44545 leaving a brownish-yellow solution. Add 100 mg each of sodium 44546 bicarbonate and sodium dithionite. If paraquat is present, 44547 the solution will turn blue-green. 44548% 44549Testing can show the presence of bugs, but not their absence. 44550 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 44551% 44552Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones. 44553% 44554TEUTONIC: 44555 Not enough gin. 44556% 44557TEX is potentially the most significant invention in typesetting in this 44558century. It introduces a standard language for computer typography, and in 44559terms of importance could rank near the introduction of the Gutenberg press. 44560 -- Gordon Bell 44561% 44562Texas A&M football coach Jackie Sherrill went to the office of the Dean 44563of Academics because he was concerned about his players' mental abilities. 44564"My players are just too stupid for me to deal with them", he told the 44565unbelieving dean. At this point, one of his players happened to enter 44566the dean's office. "Let me show you what I mean", said Sherrill, and he 44567told the player to run over to his office to see if he was in. "OK, Coach", 44568the player replied, and was off. "See what I mean?" Sherrill asked. 44569"Yeah", replied the dean. "He could have just picked up this phone and 44570called you from here." 44571% 44572Texas is Hell on woman and horses. 44573 -- Wayne Oakes 44574% 44575Texas law forbids anyone to have a pair of pliers in his possession. 44576% 44577Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even 44578one which cannot be justified on any other grounds. 44579 -- J. Finnegan, USC 44580% 44581Thank goodness modern convenience is a thing of the remote future. 44582 -- Pogo, by Walt Kelly 44583% 44584Thank you for observing all safety precautions. 44585% 44586That all men should be brothers is the dream of people who have no brothers. 44587 -- Charles Chincholles, "Pensees de tout le monde" 44588% 44589That boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver. 44590 -- Foghorn Leghorn 44591% 44592That does not compute. 44593% 44594...that FC loop thing sucks. 44595So I decided to stick to my good old philosophy: "if it has tits, 44596wheels or FC loops it will give you problem!" 44597 -- storage engineer on the virtues of FC-AL 44598% 44599That feeling just came over me. 44600 -- Albert DeSalvo, the "Boston Strangler" 44601% 44602That government is best which governs least. 44603 -- Henry David Thoreau, "Civil Disobedience" 44604% 44605That is the true season of love, when we believe that we alone can love, 44606that no one could have loved so before us, and that no one will love 44607in the same way as us. 44608 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 44609% 44610That money talks, 44611I'll not deny, 44612I heard it once, 44613It said "Good-bye. 44614 -- Richard Armour 44615% 44616That must be wonderful: I don't understand it at all. 44617 -- Moliere 44618% 44619That secret you've been guarding, isn't. 44620% 44621That segment of the community with which one has the greatest 44622sympathy as a liberal, inevitably turns out to be one of the most 44623narrow-minded and bigoted segments of the community. 44624% 44625That, that is, is. 44626That, that is not, is not. 44627That, that is, is not that, that is not. 44628That, that is not, is not that, that is. 44629% 44630...that the notions of "hardware", and "software" should be extended by 44631the notion of LIVEWARE - being that which produces software for use on 44632hardware. This produces an obvious extension to the concept of MONITORS. 44633A liveware monitor is a person dedicated to the task of ensuring that the 44634liveware does not interfere with the real-time processes, invoking the 44635REAL-TIME EXECUTIONER to delete liveware that adversely affects ... 44636 -- Linden and Wihelminalaan 44637% 44638That which is not good for the swarm, neither is it good for the bee. 44639% 44640That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them. 44641 -- Dorothy Parker 44642% 44643That Xanthippe's husband should have become so great a philosopher is 44644remarkable. Amid all the scolding, to be able to think! But he could not 44645write: that was impossible. Socrates has not left us a single book. 44646 -- Heine 44647% 44648That's always the way when you discover 44649something new; everyone thinks you're crazy. 44650 -- Evelyn E. Smith 44651% 44652That's life. 44653 What's life? 44654A magazine. 44655 How much does it cost? 44656Two-fifty. 44657 I only have a dollar. 44658That's life. 44659% 44660That's life for you, said McDunn. Someone always waiting for someone 44661who never comes home. Always someone loving something more than that 44662thing loves them. And after awhile you want to destroy whatever that 44663thing is, so it can't hurt you no more. 44664 -- Ray Bradbury, "The Fog Horn" 44665% 44666"That's no answer," Job said, "And for someone who's supposed to be 44667omnipotent, let me tell you `tabernacle' has only one l." 44668 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 44669% 44670That's no moon... 44671 -- Obi-wan Kenobi 44672% 44673That's odd. That's very odd. 44674Wouldn't you say that's very odd? 44675% 44676That's one small step for a man; one giant leap for mankind. 44677 -- Neil Armstrong 44678% 44679That's the most fun I've had without laughing. 44680 -- Woody Allen, on sex 44681% 44682That's the thing about people who think they hate computers. What they 44683really hate is lousy programmers. 44684 -- Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle in "Oath of Fealty" 44685% 44686That's the true harbinger of spring, not crocuses or swallows 44687returning to Capistrano, but the sound of a bat on a ball. 44688 -- Bill Veeck 44689% 44690That's what she said. 44691% 44692That's where the money was. 44693 -- Willie Sutton, on being asked why he robbed a bank 44694 44695It's a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night. 44696 -- Willie Sutton 44697% 44698The 11 is for people with the pride of a 10 and the pocketbook of an 8. 44699 -- R. B. Greenberg 44700% 44701The 357.73 Theory -- 44702 Auditors always reject expense accounts 44703 with a bottom line divisible by 5. 44704% 44705The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy. 44706% 44707The 'A' is for content, the 'minus' is for not typing it. 44708Don't ever do this to my eyes again. 44709 -- Professor Ronald Brady, Philosophy, Ramapo State College 44710% 44711The Abrams' Principle: 44712 The shortest distance between two points is off the wall. 44713% 44714The absence of labels [in ECL] is probably a good thing. 44715 -- T. Cheatham 44716% 44717The absent ones are always at fault. 44718% 44719The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth. 44720 -- A. Camus 44721% 44722The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power. 44723 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 44724% 44725The adjective is the banana peel of the parts of speech. 44726 -- Clifton Fadiman 44727% 44728The adjuration to be "normal" seems shockingly repellent to me; I see neither 44729hope nor comfort in sinking to that low level. I think it is ignorance that 44730makes people think of abnormality only with horror and allows them to remain 44731undismayed at the proximity of "normal" to average and mediocre. For surely 44732anyone who achieves anything is, essentially, abnormal. 44733 -- Dr. Karl Menninger, "The Human Mind", 1930 44734% 44735The advantage of being celibate is that when one sees a pretty girl one 44736does not need to grieve over having an ugly one back home. 44737 -- Paul Leautaud, "Propos dun jour" 44738% 44739The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper 44740 -- Thomas Jefferson 44741% 44742The Advertising Agency Song: 44743 44744 When your client's hopping mad, 44745 Put his picture in the ad. 44746 If he still should prove refractory, 44747 Add a picture of his factory. 44748% 44749The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being but to remind him that 44750he is already degraded. 44751 -- George Orwell 44752% 44753The aim of science is to seek the simplest explanations of complex 44754facts. Seek simplicity and distrust it. 44755 -- Whitehead 44756% 44757The alarm clock that is louder than God's own 44758belongs to the roommate with the earliest class. 44759% 44760The algorithm for finding the longest path in a graph is NP-complete. 44761For you systems people, that means it's *real slow*. 44762 -- Bart Miller 44763% 44764The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty. You might want to mug 44765someone with it. 44766 -- M. Devine, Computer Science 340 44767% 44768The all-softening overpowering knell, 44769The tocsin of the soul, -- the dinner bell. 44770 -- Lord Byron 44771% 44772The Almighty in His infinite wisdom did not see 44773fit to create Frenchmen in the image of Englishmen. 44774 -- Winston Churchill, 1942 44775% 44776The American Dental Association announced today that most plaque tends 44777to form on teeth around 4:00 PM in the afternoon. 44778 44779Film at 11:00. 44780% 44781The American nation in the sixth ward is a fine people; they love the 44782eagle -- on the back of a dollar. 44783 -- Finley Peter Dunne 44784% 44785The American system of ours, call it Americanism, call it Capitalism, 44786call it what you like, gives each and every one of us a great 44787opportunity if we only seize it with both hands and make the most of it. 44788 -- Al Capone 44789% 44790The amount of time between slipping on the peel and landing on the 44791pavement is precisely 1 bananosecond. 44792% 44793The amount of weight an evangelist carries with the almighty is measured 44794in billigrahams. 44795% 44796The Analytical Engine weaves Algebraic patterns 44797just as the Jacquard loom weaves flowers and leaves. 44798 -- Ada Augusta, Countess of Lovelace, the first programmer 44799% 44800The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that consists 44801of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune of "Camptown 44802Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to listen to it, and, 44803even better, nobody has to play it. 44804 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 44805% 44806The Ancient Doctrine of Mind Over Matter: 44807 I don't mind... and you don't matter. 44808 44809 -- As revealed to reporter G. Rivera by Swami Havabanana 44810% 44811The Angels want to wear my red shoes. 44812 -- E. Costello 44813% 44814The anger of a woman is the greatest evil 44815with which you can threaten your enemies. 44816 -- Bonnard 44817% 44818The Anglo-Saxon conscience does not prevent the Anglo-Saxon from 44819sinning, it merely prevents him from enjoying his sin. 44820 -- Salvador De Madariaga 44821% 44822The angry man always thinks he can do more than he can. 44823 -- Albertano of Brescia 44824% 44825The animals are not as stupid as one thinks -- they have neither 44826doctors nor lawyers. 44827 -- L. Docquier 44828% 44829The annual meeting of the "You Have To Listen To Experience" Club is now in 44830session. Our Achievement Awards this year are in the fields of publishing, 44831advertising and industry. For best consistent contribution in the field of 44832publishing our award goes to editor, R. L. K., [...] for his unrivaled alle- 44833giance without variation to the statement: "Personally I'd love to do it, 44834we'd ALL love to do it. But we're not going to do it. It's not the kind of 44835book our house knows how to handle." Our superior performance award in the 44836field of advertising goes to media executive, E. L. M., [...] for the continu- 44837ally creative use of the old favorite: "I think what you've got here could be 44838very exciting. Why not give it one more try based on the approach I've out- 44839lined and see if you can come up with something fresh." Our final award for 44840courageous holding action in the field of industry goes to supervisor, R. S., 44841[...] for her unyielding grip on "I don't care if they fire me, I've been 44842arguing for a new approach for YEARS but are we SURE that this is the right 44843time--" I would like to conclude this meeting with a verse written specially 44844for our prospectus by our founding president fifty years ago -- and now, as 44845then, fully expressive of the emotion most close to all our hearts -- 44846 Treat freshness as a youthful quirk, 44847 And dare not stray to ideas new, 44848 For if t'were tried they might e'en work 44849 And for a living what woulds't we do? 44850% 44851The answer is that libdialog, the library on which sysinstall depends 44852for these menus, is genuinely evil. It is the unloved, satanic 44853bastard child of multiple parents and torturing users like yourself 44854constitutes the only joy in life it has left. Its source files are 44855all chmod'd 0666 and dire README files warn against trespass by 44856neophyte programmers. It is the 7th gate of Hell. It makes the baby 44857Jesus cry. Were libdialog given anthropomorphic representation, it 44858would be promptly burnt at the stake and its ashes scattered in the 44859desert, to be then doused with holy water from altitude by 44860fire-fighting aircraft. 44861 44862 -- Jordan K. Hubbard on the evils of libdialog 44863% 44864The answer to the question of Life, the Universe, and Everything is... 44865 44866 Four day work week, 44867 Two ply toilet paper! 44868% 44869The answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything was 44870released with the kind permission of the Amalgamated Union of Philosophers, 44871Sages, Luminaries, and Other Professional Thinking Persons. 44872% 44873The ark lands after The Flood. Noah lets all the animals out. Says he, "Go 44874and multiply." Several months pass. Noah decides to check up on the animals. 44875All are doing fine except a pair of snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah. 44876"Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes. Noah follows 44877their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again. 44878Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how 44879the trees helped?" "Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, and we need 44880logs to multiply." 44881% 44882The arms business is founded on human folly, that is why its depths will 44883never be plumbed and why it will go on forever. All weapons are defensive 44884and all spare parts are non-lethal. The plainest print cannot be read 44885through a solid gold sovereign, or a ruble or a golden eagle. 44886 -- Sam Cummings, American arms dealer 44887% 44888The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion. 44889Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed 44890and color, but also on ability. 44891 -- T. Lehrer 44892% 44893The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe. 44894 -- Bill Murray 44895% 44896The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use 44897in effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the 44898Declaration not for that, but for future use. 44899 -- Abraham Lincoln 44900% 44901The astronomer Francesco Sizi, a contemporary of Galileo, argues that 44902Jupiter can have no satellites: 44903 44904 There are seven windows in the head, two nostrils, two ears, two 44905eyes, and a mouth; so in the heavens there are two favorable stars, two 44906unpropitious, two luminaries, and Mercury alone undecided and indifferent. 44907From which and many other similar phenomena of nature such as the seven 44908metals, etc., which it were tedious to enumerate, we gather that the number 44909of planets is necessarily seven. [...] 44910 Moreover, the satellites are invisible to the naked eye and 44911therefore can have no influence on the earth and therefore would be useless 44912and therefore do not exist. 44913% 44914The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive. 44915% 44916The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she 44917knows that the average man can see much better than he can think. 44918 -- Ladies' Home Journal 44919% 44920The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in 44921the morning feeling just terrible. 44922 -- Jean Kerr 44923% 44924The average income of the modern teenager is about 2AM. 44925% 44926The average individual's position in any hierarchy is a lot like pulling 44927a dogsled -- there's no real change of scenery except for the lead dog. 44928% 44929The average nutritional value of promises is roughly zero. 44930% 44931The average Ph.D thesis is nothing but the transference of bones from 44932one graveyard to another. 44933 -- J. Frank Dobie, "A Texan in England" 44934% 44935The average woman must inevitably view her actual husband with a certain 44936disdain; he is anything but her ideal. In consequence, she cannot help 44937feeling that her children are cruelly handicapped by the fact that he is 44938their father. 44939 -- H. L. Mencken 44940% 44941The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the 44942average man can see better than he can think. 44943% 44944The avocation of assessing the failures of better men can be turned 44945into a comfortable livelihood, providing you back it up with a Ph.D. 44946 -- Nelson Algren, "Writers at Work" 44947% 44948The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that 44949carries any reward. 44950 -- John Maynard Keynes 44951% 44952The bad reputation UNIX has gotten is totally undeserved, laid on by 44953people who don't understand, who have not gotten in there and tried 44954anything. 44955 -- Jim Joyce, owner of Jim Joyce's UNIX Bookstore 44956% 44957The bank called to tell me that I'm overdrawn, 44958Some freaks are burning crosses out on my front lawn, 44959And I *can't*believe* it, all the Cheetos are gone, 44960 It's just ONE OF THOSE DAYS! 44961 -- Weird Al Yankovic, "One of Those Days" 44962% 44963The bank sent our statement this morning, 44964The red ink was a sight of great awe! 44965Their figures and mine might have balanced, 44966But my wife was too quick on the draw. 44967% 44968The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than 44969cities. Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and 44970difficult to park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots, 44971which are also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but -- 44972here is the big difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO 44973RULES. You're allowed to do anything. You can drive as fast as you 44974want in any direction you want. I was once driving in a mall parking 44975lot when my car was struck by a pickup truck being driven backward by a 44976squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" on his forearm, who got out 44977and explained to me, in great detail, why the accident was my fault, 44978his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, whereas I was 44979neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall parking 44980lots. 44981 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 44982% 44983The basic menu item, in fact the ONLY menu item, would be a food unit 44984called the "patty," consisting of -- this would be guaranteed in 44985writing -- "100 percent animal matter of some kind." All patties would 44986be heated up and then cooled back down in electronic devices 44987immediately before serving. The Breakfast Patty would be a patty on a 44988bun with lettuce, tomato, onion, egg, Ba-Ko-Bits, Cheez Whiz, a Special 44989Sauce made by pouring ketchup out of a bottle and a little slip of 44990paper stating: "Inspected by Number 12". The Lunch or Dinner Patty 44991would be any Breakfast Patties that didn't get sold in the morning. 44992The Seafood Lover's Patty would be any patties that were starting to 44993emit a serious aroma. Patties that were too rank even to be Seafood 44994Lover's Patties would be compressed into wads and sold as "Nuggets." 44995 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants" 44996% 44997The bay-trees in our country are all wither'd 44998And meteors fright the fixed stars of heaven; 44999The pale-faced moon looks bloody on the earth 45000And lean-look'd prophets whisper fearful change. 45001These signs forerun the death or fall of kings. 45002 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II" 45003% 45004THE BEATLES: 45005 Paul McCartney's old back-up band. 45006% 45007The beer-cooled computer does not harm the ozone layer. 45008 -- John M. Ford, a.k.a. Dr. Mike 45009 45010 [If I can read my notes from the Ask Dr. Mike session at Baycon, I 45011 believe he added that the beer-cooled computer uses "Forget Only 45012 Memory". Ed.] 45013% 45014The best audience is intelligent, well-educated and a little drunk. 45015 -- Maurice Baring 45016% 45017The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland"; 45018but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman. 45019% 45020The best case: Get salary from America, build a house in England, 45021 live with a Japanese wife, and eat Chinese food. 45022Pretty good case: Get salary from England, build a house in America, 45023 live with a Chinese wife, and eat Japanese food. 45024The worst case: Get salary from China, build a house in Japan, 45025 live with a British wife, and eat American food. 45026 -- Bungei Shunju, a popular Japanese magazine 45027% 45028The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. 45029 -- W. C. Fields 45030% 45031The best defense against logic is ignorance. 45032% 45033The best definition of a gentleman is a man who can play the accordion -- 45034but doesn't. 45035 -- Tom Crichton 45036% 45037The best diplomat I know is a fully activated phaser bank. 45038 -- Scotty 45039% 45040The best equipment for your work is, of course, the most expensive. 45041However, your neighbor is always wasting money that should be yours 45042by judging things by their price. 45043% 45044The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do 45045what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with 45046them while they do it. 45047 -- Theodore Roosevelt 45048% 45049The best laid plans of mice and men are held up in the legal department. 45050% 45051The best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal. 45052 -- Blair 45053% 45054The best man for the job is often a woman. 45055% 45056The best number for a dinner party is two -- myself and a damn good 45057head waiter. 45058 -- Nubar Gulbenkian 45059% 45060The best portion of a good man's life, his little, 45061nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love. 45062 -- Wordsworth 45063% 45064The best prophet of the future is the past. 45065% 45066The best rebuttal to this kind of statistical argument came from the 45067redoubtable John W. Campbell: 45068 45069 The laws of population growth tell us that approximately half the 45070 people who were ever born in the history of the world are now 45071 dead. There is therefore a 0.5 probability that this message is 45072 being read by a corpse. 45073% 45074The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and 45075fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are 45076drifting side by side to our common doom. 45077 -- Clarence Darrow 45078% 45079The best thing about being bald is, that, when unexpected 45080company arrives, all you have to do is straighten your tie. 45081% 45082The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time. 45083% 45084The best thing that comes out of Iowa is I-80. 45085% 45086The best things in life are for a fee. 45087% 45088The best things in life go on sale sooner or later. 45089% 45090The best way to accelerate a Macintoy is at 9.8 meters per second, squared. 45091% 45092The best way to avoid responsibility is to say, "I've got responsibilities." 45093% 45094The best way to get rid of worries is to let them die of neglect. 45095% 45096The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away. 45097% 45098The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them 45099is a match. 45100 -- Will Rogers 45101% 45102The best way to preserve a right is to exercise it, and the right to 45103smoke is a right worth dying for. 45104% 45105The best ways are the most straightforward ways. When you're sitting around 45106scamming these things out, all kinds of James Bondian ideas come forth, but 45107when it gets down to the reality of it, the simplest and most straightforward 45108way is usually the best, and the way that attracts the least attention. 45109Also, pouring gasoline on the water and lighting it like James Bond doesn't 45110work either.... They tried it during Prohibition. 45111 -- Thomas King Forcade, marijuana smuggler 45112% 45113The best you get is an even break. 45114 -- Franklin Adams 45115% 45116The better part of valor is discretion. 45117 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" 45118% 45119The better the state is established, the fainter is humanity. 45120To make the individual uncomfortable, that is my task. 45121 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 45122% 45123The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments 45124to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. 45125It's just that they need more supervision. 45126% 45127The Bible is not my Book and Christianity is not my religion. I could 45128never give assent to the long complicated statements of Christian dogma. 45129 -- Abraham Lincoln 45130% 45131The Bible on letters of reference: 45132 45133 Are we beginning all over again to produce our credentials? Do 45134we, like some people, need letters of introduction to you, or from you? 45135No, you are all the letter we need, a letter written on your heart; any 45136man can see it for what it is and read it for himself. 45137 -- 2 Corinthians 3:1-2, New English translation 45138% 45139The big cities of America are becoming Third World countries. 45140 -- Nora Ephron 45141% 45142The big mistake that men make is that when they turn thirteen or fourteen 45143and all of a sudden they've reached puberty, they believe that they like 45144women. Actually, you're just horny. It doesn't mean you like women any 45145more at twenty-one than you did at ten. 45146 -- Jules Feiffer 45147% 45148The big question is why in the course of evolution the males permitted 45149themselves to be so totally eclipsed by the females. Why do they tolerate 45150this total subservience, this wretched existence as outcasts who are 45151hungry all the time? 45152% 45153The bigger the theory the better. 45154% 45155The bigger they are, the harder they hit. 45156% 45157The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse time. 45158 -- Merrick Furst 45159% 45160The biggest mistake you can make is to believe that you are 45161working for someone else. 45162% 45163The biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has 45164occurred. 45165% 45166The Bird of Time has but a little way to fly ... 45167and the bird is on the wing. 45168 -- Omar Khayyam 45169% 45170The black bear used to be one of the most commonly seen large animals 45171because in Yosemite and Sequoia national parks they lived off of garbage 45172and tourist handouts. This bear has learned to open car doors in 45173Yosemite, where damage to automobiles caused by bears runs into the tens 45174of thousands of dollars a year. Campaigns to bearproof all garbage 45175containers in wild areas have been difficult, because as one biologist 45176put it, "There is a considerable overlap between the intelligence levels 45177of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists." 45178% 45179The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch. 45180% 45181The bogosity meter just pegged. 45182% 45183The bold youth of today is very lonely. 45184 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 45185% 45186The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives. 45187 -- Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb Project 45188% 45189The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first 45190half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and 45191pleasant, the second half still balmy and quite pleasant for those who 45192hadn't heard the scream at all, but not calm or balmy or even very nice 45193for those who did hear the scream, discounting the little period of time 45194during the actual scream itself when your ears might have been hearing it 45195but your brain wasn't reacting yet to let you know. 45196 -- Winning sentence, 1986 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest 45197% 45198The boy stood on the burning deck, 45199Eating peanuts by the peck. 45200His father called him, but he could not go, 45201For he loved those peanuts so. 45202% 45203The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment 45204you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to work. 45205% 45206The Briggs/Chase Law of Program Development: 45207 To determine how long it will take to write and debug a 45208program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add one, and 45209convert to the next higher units. 45210% 45211The British are coming! The British are coming! 45212% 45213The brotherhood of man is not a mere poet's dream; it is a most depressing 45214and humiliating reality. 45215 -- Oscar Wilde 45216% 45217The Buddha, the Godhead, resides quite as comfortably in the circuits of a 45218digital computer or the gears of a cycle transmission as he does at the top 45219of a mountain or in the petals of a flower. To think otherwise is to demean 45220the Buddha -- which is to demean oneself. 45221 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" 45222% 45223The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. 45224Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in 45225automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo. 45226 -- Art Buchwald 45227% 45228The bugs you have to avoid are the ones that give the user not only 45229the inclination to get on a plane, but also the time. 45230 -- Kay Bostic 45231% 45232The Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest is held ever year at San Jose State 45233Univ. by Professor Scott Rice. It is held in memory of Edward George 45234Earle Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873), a rather prolific and popular (in his 45235time) novelist. He is best known today for having written "The Last 45236Days of Pompeii." 45237 45238Whenever Snoopy starts typing his novel from the top of his doghouse, 45239beginning "It was a dark and stormy night..." he is borrowing from Lord 45240Bulwer-Lytton. This was the line that opened his novel, "Paul Clifford," 45241written in 1830. The full line reveals why it is so bad: 45242 45243 It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents -- except 45244 at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of 45245 wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene 45246 lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty 45247 flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness. 45248% 45249The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding 45250bureaucracy. 45251% 45252The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the 45253flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language. 45254% 45255The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better 45256people, and don't come in clearly enough. 45257 -- Bill Maher 45258% 45259The camel died quite suddenly on the second day, and Selena fretted 45260sullenly and, buffing her already impeccable nails -- not for the first 45261time since the journey began -- pondered snidely if this would dissolve 45262into a vignette of minor inconveniences like all the other holidays spent 45263with Basil. 45264 -- Winning sentence, 1983 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest 45265% 45266The camel has a single hump; 45267The dromedary two; 45268Or else the other way around. 45269I'm never sure. Are you? 45270 -- Ogden Nash 45271% 45272The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly 45273greater than that of any other animals. Some of their most esteemed 45274inventions have no other apparent purpose, for example, the dinner 45275party of more than two, the epic poem, and the science of metaphysics. 45276 -- H. L. Mencken 45277% 45278The carbonyl is polarized, 45279The delta end is plus. 45280The nucleophile will thus attack, 45281The carbon nucleus. 45282Addition makes an alcohol, 45283Of types there are but three. 45284It makes a bond, to correspond, 45285From C to shining C. 45286 -- Prof. Frank Westheimer, to "America the Beautiful" 45287% 45288The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used. 45289 -- Herbert von Fritzlar 45290% 45291The Celts invented two things, Whiskey and self-destruction. 45292% 45293The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain. 45294 -- G. Fitch 45295% 45296The chains of marriage are so heavy that it takes two to carry them, and 45297sometimes three. 45298 -- Alexandre Dumas 45299% 45300The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up 45301at the steam fitters' picnic. 45302% 45303The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions. 45304 -- Alfred Adler 45305% 45306The chief enemy of creativity is "good" sense. 45307 -- Picasso 45308% 45309The church is near but the road is icy; the bar is far away but I will 45310walk carefully. 45311 -- Russian Proverb 45312% 45313The church saves sinners, but science seeks to stop their manufacture. 45314 -- Elbert Hubbard 45315% 45316The City of Palo Alto, in its official description of parking lot standards, 45317specifies the grade of wheelchair access ramps in terms of centimeters of 45318rise per foot of run. A compromise, I imagine... 45319% 45320The clash of ideas is the sound of freedom. 45321% 45322The clearest way into the Universe is through a forest wilderness. 45323 -- John Muir 45324% 45325The clergy successfully preached the doctrines of patience and pusillanimity; 45326the active virtues of society were discouraged; and the last remains of a 45327military spirit were buried in the cloister: a large portion of public and 45328private wealth was consecrated to the specious demands of charity and devotion; 45329and the soldiers' pay was lavished on the useless multitudes of both sexes 45330who could only plead the merits of abstinence and chastity. 45331 -- Edward Gibbons, "The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire" 45332% 45333The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere. 45334% 45335The closest to perfection a person ever comes 45336is when he fills out a job application form. 45337 -- Stanley J. Randall 45338% 45339The clothes have no emperor. 45340 -- C. A. R. Hoare, commenting on ADA 45341% 45342The coast was clear. 45343 -- Lope de Vega 45344% 45345The college graduate is presented with a sheepskin to cover his 45346intellectual nakedness. 45347 -- Robert M. Hutchins 45348% 45349The Commandments of the EE: 45350 453511: Beware of lightning that lurketh in an uncharged condenser 45352 lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most 45353 embarrassing manner. 453542: Cause thou the switch that supplieth large quantities of juice to 45355 be opened and thusly tagged, that thy days may be long in this 45356 earthly vale of tears. 453573: Prove to thyself that all circuits that radiateth, and upon 45358 which the worketh, are grounded and thusly tagged lest they lift 45359 thee to a radio frequency potential and causeth thee to make like 45360 a radiator too. 453614: Tarry thou not amongst these fools that engage in intentional 45362 shocks for they are not long for this world and are surely 45363 unbelievers. 45364% 45365The Commandments of the EE: 45366 453675: Take care that thou useth the proper method when thou takest the 45368 measures of high-voltage circuits too, that thou dost not incinerate 45369 both thee and thy test meter, for verily, though thou has no company 45370 property number and can be easily surveyed, the test meter has 45371 one and, as a consequence, bringeth much woe unto a purchasing agent. 453726: Take care that thou tamperest not with interlocks and safety devices, 45373 for this incurreth the wrath of the chief electrician and bring 45374 the fury of the engineers on his head. 453757: Work thou not on energized equipment for if thou doest so, thy 45376 friends will surely be buying beers for thy widow and consoling 45377 her in certain ways not generally acceptable to thee. 453788: Verily, verily I say unto thee, never service equipment alone, 45379 for electrical cooking is a slow process and thou might sizzle in 45380 thy own fat upon a hot circuit for hours on end before thy maker 45381 sees fit to end thy misery and drag thee into his fold. 45382% 45383The Commandments of the EE: 45384 453859: Trifle thee not with radioactive tubes and substances lest thou 45386 commence to glow in the dark like a lightning bug, and thy wife be 45387 frustrated and have not further use for thee except for thy wages. 4538810: Commit thou to memory all the words of the prophets which are 45389 written down in thy Bible which is the National Electrical Code, 45390 and giveth out with the straight dope and consoleth thee when 45391 thou hast suffered a ream job by the chief electrician. 4539211: When thou muckest about with a device in an unthinking and/or 45393 unknowing manner, thou shalt keep one hand in thy pocket. Better 45394 that thou shouldest keep both hands in thy pockets than 45395 experimentally determine the electrical potential of an 45396 innocent-seeming device. 45397% 45398The common cormorant, or shag, lays eggs inside a paper bag. 45399% 45400The computer gets faster! --Moore-- 45401% 45402The computer industry is journalists in their 20's standing in awe of 45403entrepreneurs in their 30's who are hiring salesmen in their 40's and 4540450's and paying them in the 60's and 70's to bring their marketing into 45405the 80's. 45406 -- Marty Winston 45407% 45408The computer is to the information industry roughly what the 45409central power station is to the electrical industry. 45410 -- Peter Drucker 45411% 45412The Computer made me do it. 45413% 45414The computing field is always in need of new cliches. 45415 -- Alan J. Perlis 45416% 45417The concept seems to be clear by now. It has been 45418defined several times by examples of what it is not. 45419% 45420The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his 45421memos. 45422 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 45423% 45424The connection between the language in which we think/program and the problems 45425and solutions we can imagine is very close. For this reason restricting 45426language features with the intent of eliminating programmer errors is at best 45427dangerous. 45428 -- Bjarne Stroustrup 45429% 45430The conservation movement is a breeding ground of Communists and other 45431subversives. We intend to clean them out, even if it means rounding up 45432every bird watcher in the country. 45433 -- John Mitchell, Atty. General 1969-1972 45434% 45435The Constitution may not be perfect, but it's a lot better 45436than what we've got! 45437% 45438The Consultant's Curse: 45439 When the customer has beaten upon you long enough, give him 45440what he asks for, instead of what he needs. This is very strong 45441medicine, and is normally only required once. 45442% 45443The control of the production of wealth 45444is the control of human life itself. 45445 -- Hilaire Belloc 45446% 45447The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is 45448none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but." 45449Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period. 45450Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you 45451talked about. 45452 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 45453% 45454The cost of feathers has risen, even down is up! 45455% 45456The cost of living has just gone up another dollar a quart. 45457 -- W. C. Fields 45458% 45459The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. 45460% 45461The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down. 45462% 45463The countdown had stalled at "T" minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first 45464female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick, 45465rubbery lips unmistakably -- the first of many such advances during what 45466would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my 45467career. 45468 -- Winning sentence, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest 45469% 45470The course of true anything never does run smooth. 45471 -- Samuel Butler 45472% 45473The courtroom was pregnant (pun intended) with anxious silence as the 45474judge solemnly considered his verdict in the paternity suit before him. 45475Suddenly, he reached into the folds of his robes, drew out a cigar and 45476ceremoniously handed it to the defendant. 45477 "Congratulations!" declaimed the jurist. "You have just become a 45478father!" 45479% 45480The covers of this book are too far apart. 45481 -- Ambrose Bierce, reviewing a book 45482% 45483The cow is nothing but a machine which makes grass fit for us people to eat. 45484 -- John McNulty 45485% 45486The Creation of the Universe was made possible by a grant from Texas 45487Instruments. 45488 -- Credits from the PBS program "The Creation of the Universe" 45489% 45490The Crown is full of it! 45491 -- Nate Harris, 1775 45492% 45493The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should 45494therefore be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could 45495hardly be propagated. If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to 45496declare war and they are screened at once from scrutiny ... In war, 45497then, as in peace, assert the freedom of speech and of the press. 45498Cling to this as the bulwark of all our rights and privileges. 45499 -- William Ellery Channing 45500% 45501The curse of the Irish is not that they don't know the 45502words to a song -- it's that they know them *all*. 45503 -- Susan Dooley 45504% 45505The "cutting edge" is getting rather dull. 45506 -- Andy Purshottam 45507% 45508The Czechs announced after Sputnik that they, too, would launch 45509a satellite. Of course, it would orbit Sputnik, not Earth! 45510% 45511The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern. 45512Every class is unfit to govern. 45513 -- Lord Acton 45514% 45515The dangerous Lego Bomb, which targets shag rugs and scatters pieces of 45516plastic that hurt like hell when you step on them is banned entirely.... 45517Hiring David Copperfield to pretend to saw the missiles in half will not 45518be permitted... In order to reduce risk of accidental war, both sides 45519agree to ban the popular but dangerous "Simon Says" training drill at 45520nuclear launch sites... Under no circumstances will either side reveal 45521that it hammered out the treaty in one afternoon, but spent the last nine 45522years arguing the Monty Hall and the three doors problem. 45523 -- Little known provisions of the START treaty by James Lileks 45524% 45525The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning, 45526and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished. 45527 -- Henry David Thoreau 45528% 45529The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. 45530% 45531The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being 45532as his Father, in the womb of a virgin will be classified with the fable of 45533the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter. But we may hope that the 45534dawn of reason and freedom of thought in these United States will do away with 45535this artificial scaffolding and restore to us the primitive and genuine 45536doctrines of this most venerated Reformer of human errors. 45537 -- Thomas Jefferson 45538% 45539The days are all empty and the nights are unreal. 45540% 45541The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction 45542to a tedious book. 45543% 45544The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of 45545us who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching 45546Charlie Chaplin trying to cook a shoe. 45547% 45548The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary? 45549% 45550The deceased was killed by 1207.3557298 Volts AC RMS applied by 45551accident when he brushed against the output terminal of a John B. 45552Fluke Company High Voltage Calibrator. 45553 -- fictitious coroner's report by Mike Andrews 45554% 45555The decision doesn't have to be logical; it was unanimous. 45556% 45557The default Magic Word, "Abracadabra", actually is a corruption of the 45558Hebrew phrase "ha-Bracha dab'ra" which means "pronounce the blessing". 45559% 45560The degree of civilization in a society 45561can be judged by entering its prisons. 45562 -- F. Dostoyevski 45563% 45564The degree of technical confidence is inversely 45565proportional to the level of management. 45566% 45567The denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the hygiene of older 45568people, and greatly assists in the circulation of the blood. 45569 -- Logan Pearsall Smith 45570% 45571The departing division general manager met a last time with his young 45572successor and gave him three envelopes. "My predecessor did this for me, 45573and I'll pass the tradition along to you," he said. "At the first sign 45574of trouble, open the first envelope. Any further difficulties, open the 45575second envelope. Then, if problems continue, open the third envelope. 45576Good luck." The new manager returned to his office and tossed the envelopes 45577into a drawer. 45578 Six months later, costs soared and earnings plummeted. Shaken, the 45579young man opened the first envelope, which said, "Blame it all on me." 45580 The next day, he held a press conference and did just that. The 45581crisis passed. 45582 Six months later, sales dropped precipitously. The beleaguered 45583manager opened the second envelope. It said, "Reorganize." 45584 He held another press conference, announcing that the division 45585would be restructured. The crisis passed. 45586 A year later, everything went wrong at once and the manager was 45587blamed for all of it. The harried executive closed his office door, sank 45588into his chair, and opened the third envelope. 45589 "Prepare three envelopes..." it said. 45590% 45591The descent to Hades is the same from every place. 45592 -- Anaxagoras 45593% 45594The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose. 45595 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" 45596% 45597The devil finds work for idle circuits to do. 45598% 45599The devil finds work for idle glands. 45600% 45601The die is cast. 45602 -- Gaius Julius Caesar 45603% 45604The difference between a career and a job is about 20 hours a week. 45605% 45606The difference between a good haircut and a bad one is seven days. 45607% 45608The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is 45609exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal. 45610 -- Mark Twain 45611% 45612The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell 45613into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him 45614out again, it would be a calamity. 45615 -- Benjamin Disraeli 45616% 45617The difference between America and England is, the English think 100 45618miles is a long distance and the Americans think 100 years is a long time. 45619% 45620The difference between art and science is that science is what we 45621understand well enough to explain to a computer. Art is everything else. 45622 -- Donald E. Knuth, "Discover" 45623% 45624The difference between common-sense and paranoia is that common-sense is 45625thinking everyone is out to get you. That's normal -- they are. Paranoia 45626is thinking that they're conspiring. 45627 -- J. Kegler 45628% 45629The difference between dogs and cats is that dogs come when they're 45630called. Cats take a message and get back to you. 45631% 45632The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits. 45633% 45634The difference between legal separation and divorce is 45635that legal separation gives the man time to hide his money. 45636% 45637The difference between reality and unreality 45638is that reality has so little to recommend it. 45639 -- Allan Sherman 45640% 45641The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science 45642requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship. 45643 -- Robert A. Heinlein 45644% 45645The difference between sentiment and being sentimental is the following: 45646Sentiment is when a driver swerves out of the way to avoid hitting a 45647rabbit on the road. Being sentimental is when the same driver, when 45648swerving away from the rabbit hits a pedestrian. 45649 -- Frank Herbert, "The White Plague" 45650% 45651The difference between sentiment and sentimentality is easy to see. When 45652you avoid killing somebody's pet on the glazeway, that's sentiment. If you 45653swerve to avoid the pet and that causes you to kill pedestrians, THAT is 45654sentimentality. 45655 -- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune" 45656% 45657The difference between the right word and the almost right word 45658is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug. 45659 -- Mark Twain 45660% 45661The difference between this place and yogurt 45662is that yogurt has a live culture. 45663% 45664The difference between us is not very far, 45665cruising for burgers in daddy's new car. 45666% 45667The difference between waltzes and disco is mostly one of volume. 45668 -- T. K. 45669% 45670The difficult we do today; the impossible takes a little longer. 45671% 45672The dirty work at political conventions is almost always done in 45673the grim hours between midnight and dawn. Hangmen and politicians 45674work best when the human spirit is at its lowest ebb. 45675 -- Russell Baker 45676% 45677The discerning person is always at a disadvantage. 45678% 45679The disks are getting full; purge a file today. 45680% 45681The distinction between Freedom and Liberty is not accurately known; 45682naturalists have been unable to find a living specimen of either. 45683 -- Ambrose Bierce 45684% 45685The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle, as the 45686following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates: 45687 45688 "I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish. 45689Eddie Cantor's goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is 45690Jewish. Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous. 45691 "Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are goyish. 45692Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish. 45693Instant potatoes -- goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish. 45694Macaroons are ____very Jewish. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is 45695goyish. Lime soda is ____very goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that 45696Jews won't go near them ..." 45697 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 45698% 45699The distinction between true and false appears to become 45700increasingly blurred by... the pollution of the language. 45701 -- Arne Tiselius 45702% 45703The District of Columbia has a law forbidding you to exert pressure on 45704a balloon and thereby cause a whistling sound on the streets. 45705% 45706The divinity of Jesus is made a convenient cover for absurdity. Nowhere in 45707the Gospels do we find a precept for Creeds, Confessions, Oaths, Doctrines, 45708and whole carloads of other foolish trumpery that we find in Christianity. 45709 -- John Adams 45710% 45711The doctrine of human equality reposes on this: that there is no man 45712really clever who has not found that he is stupid. 45713 -- Gilbert K. Chesterson 45714% 45715The door is the key. 45716% 45717The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show 45718off this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his 45719next hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the 45720duck fell, the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the 45721duck and returned it to his master. 45722 "Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly. 45723 "Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't swim." 45724% 45725The duration of passion is proportionate with the original resistance 45726of the woman. 45727 -- Honore de Balzac 45728% 45729The eagle may soar, but the weasel never gets sucked into a jet engine. 45730% 45731The early bird gets the coffee left over from the night before. 45732% 45733The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late 45734and owns the worm farm. 45735 -- Travis McGee 45736% 45737The early worm gets the late bird. 45738% 45739The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier. 45740% 45741The easiest way to figure the cost of living is to take your income and 45742add ten percent. 45743% 45744The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly 45745teaches me to suspect that my own is also. 45746 45747I would not interfere with any one's religion, either to strengthen it 45748or to weaken it. I am not able to believe one's religion can affect his 45749hereafter one way or the other, no matter what that religion may be. 45750But it may easily be a great comfort to him in this life -- hence it is a 45751valuable possession to him. 45752 45753I do not see how eternal punishment hereafter could accomplish any good 45754end, therefore I am not able to believe in it. To chasten a man in order 45755to perfect him might be reasonable enough; to annihilate him when he shall 45756have proved himself incapable of reaching perfection might be reasonable 45757enough; but to roast him forever for the mere satisfaction of seeing him 45758roast would not be reasonable -- even the atrocious God imagined by the Jews 45759would tire of the spectacle eventually. 45760 -- Mark Twain 45761% 45762The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on 45763weather forecasters. 45764 -- Jean-Paul Kauffmann 45765% 45766The egg cream is psychologically the opposite of circumcision -- it 45767*pleasurably* reaffirms your Jewishness. 45768 -- Mel Brooks 45769% 45770The elder gods went to Yuggoth, and all you got was this lousy fortune. 45771% 45772"The eleventh commandment was `Thou Shalt Compute' or `Thou Shalt Not 45773Compute' -- I forget which." 45774 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 45775% 45776The Encyclopaedia Galactica defines a robot as a mechanical apparatus designed 45777to do the work of a man. The marketing division of Sirius Cybernetics 45778Corporation defines a robot as "Your Plastic Pal Who's Fun To Be With". 45779The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy defines the marketing division of the 45780Sirius Cybernetics Corporation as "a bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the 45781first against the wall when the revolution comes", with a footnote to effect 45782that the editors would welcome applications from anyone interested in taking 45783over the post of robotics correspondent. 45784 Curiously enough, an edition of the Encyclopaedia Galactica that 45785had the good fortune to fall through a time warp from a thousand years in 45786the future defined the marketing division of the Sirius Cybernetics 45787Corporation as "a bunch of mindless jerks who were the first against the 45788wall when the revolution came". 45789% 45790The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun. 45791 -- Buckminster Fuller 45792% 45793The end of labor is to gain leisure. 45794% 45795The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of 45796civilization. 45797 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 45798% 45799The end of the world will occur at 3:00 p.m., this Friday, with 45800symposium to follow. 45801% 45802The ends justify the means. 45803 -- after Matthew Prior 45804% 45805The energy produced by the breaking down of the atom is a very poor kind 45806of thing. Anyone who expects a source of power from the transformation 45807of these atoms is talking moonshine. 45808 -- Ernest Rutherford, after he had split the atom for 45809 the first time 45810% 45811The English country gentleman galloping after a fox -- the unspeakable 45812in full pursuit of the uneatable. 45813 -- Oscar Wilde, "A Woman of No Importance" 45814% 45815The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach 45816their children to speak it. 45817 -- George Bernard Shaw 45818% 45819The English instinctively admire any man 45820who has no talent and is modest about it. 45821 -- James Agate, British film and drama critic 45822% 45823The entire work force of the Communist countries is subjected to periodic 45824purges (called verifications in Newspeak). One of the most severe took 45825place in 1957 when Novotny, rattled by the Hungarian Revolution the year 45826before, tried hard to weed out "radishes" (red outside, white inside) from 45827all but insignificant positions. Any one of the following would often 45828result in the loss of one's job: Bourgeois or Jewish family background, 45829relatives abroad, contacts with former capitalists, having lived in a 45830Western country, insufficient knowledge of Communist literature, and others. 45831 45832 A man is interviewed by a "Verification Committee." 45833 "What kind of family do you come from?" 45834 "A rich, Jewish family." 45835 "And your wife?" 45836 "A German aristocrat." 45837 "Have you ever been to the West?" 45838 "I spent most of my life in England." 45839 "How did you make a living there?" 45840 "A friend supported me." 45841 "Where did you get the money from?" 45842 "He owned a textile factory." 45843 "Who was Lenin?" 45844 "Never heard of him." 45845 "What is your name?" 45846 "Karl Marx." 45847% 45848[The ERA] encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, 45849practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians. 45850 -- Pat Robertson, Man of God and serious Republican 45851 presidential aspirant. 45852% 45853The error of youth is to believe that intelligence is a substitute 45854for experience, while the error of age is to believe experience is 45855a substitute for intelligence. 45856 -- Lyman Bryson 45857% 45858The eternal feminine draws us upward. 45859 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 45860% 45861The executioner is, I hear, very expert, and my neck is very slender. 45862 -- Anne Boleyn 45863% 45864The explanation requiring the fewest assumptions 45865is the most likely to be correct. 45866 -- William of Occam 45867% 45868The eye is a menace to clear sight, the ear is a menace to subtle hearing, 45869the mind is a menace to wisdom, every organ of the senses is a menace to its 45870own capacity. ... Fuss, the god of the Southern Ocean, and Fret, the god 45871of the Northern Ocean, happened once to meet in the realm of Chaos, the god 45872of the center. Chaos treated them very handsomely and they discussed together 45873what they could do to repay his kindness. They had noticed that, whereas 45874everyone else had seven apertures, for sight, hearing, eating, breathing and 45875so on, Chaos had none. So they decided to make the experiment of boring holes 45876in him. Every day they bored a hole, and on the seventh day, Chaos died. 45877 -- Chuang Tzu 45878% 45879The eyes of taxes are upon you. 45880% 45881The eyes of Texas are upon you, 45882All the livelong day; 45883The eyes of Texas are upon you, 45884You cannot get away; 45885Do not think you can escape them 45886From night 'til early in the morn; 45887The eyes of Texas are upon you 45888'Til Gabriel blows his horn. 45889 -- University of Texas' school song 45890% 45891The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence that it is not 45892utterly absurd; indeed, in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind, 45893a widespread belief is more often likely to be foolish than sensible. 45894 -- Bertrand Russell, in "Marriage and Morals", 1929 45895% 45896The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a 45897remarkable Christian forbearance among men. 45898 -- Ambrose Bierce 45899% 45900The fact that it works is immaterial. 45901 -- L. Ogborn 45902% 45903The fact that people are poor or discriminated against doesn't necessarily 45904endow them with any special qualities of justice, nobility, charity or 45905compassion. 45906 -- Saul Alinsky 45907% 45908The fall of the USSR proves you wrong. 45909 -- Aryeh M. Friedman 45910% 45911The famous politician was trying to save both his faces. 45912% 45913The farther you go, the less you know. 45914 -- Lao Tsu, "Tao Te Ching" 45915% 45916The fashion wears out more apparel than the man. 45917 -- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing" 45918% 45919The fashionable drawing rooms of London have always been happy to accept 45920outsiders -- if only on their own, albeit undemanding terms. That is to 45921say, artists, so long as they are not too talented, men of humble birth, 45922so long as they have since amassed several million pounds, and socialists 45923so long as they are Tories. 45924 -- Christopher Booker 45925% 45926The faster I go, the behinder I get. 45927 -- Lewis Carroll, 45928 "Through the Looking-Glass, 45929 and What Alice Found There" (1871) 45930% 45931The faster we go, the rounder we get. 45932 -- The Grateful Dead 45933% 45934The Fastest Defeat In Chess 45935 The big name for us in the world of chess is Gibaud, a French chess 45936master. 45937 In Paris during 1924 he was beaten after only four moves by a 45938Monsieur Lazard. Happily for posterity, the moves are recorded and so 45939chess enthusiasts may reconstruct this magnificent collapse in the comfort 45940of their own homes. 45941 Lazard was black and Gibaud white: 45942 1: P-Q4, Kt-KB3 45943 2: Kt-Q2, P-K4 45944 3: PxP, Kt-Kt5 45945 4: P-KR3, Kt-K6/ 45946 White then resigns on realizing that a fifth move would involve 45947either a Q-KR5 check or the loss of his queen. 45948 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 45949% 45950The father, passing through his son's college town late one evening on a 45951business trip, thought he would pay his boy a surprise visit. Arriving at the 45952lad's fraternity house, dad rapped loudly on the door. After several minutes 45953of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second-floor window, 45954 "Whaddaya want?" 45955 "Does Ramsey Duncan live here?" asked the father. 45956 "Yeah," replied the voice. "Dump him on the front porch." 45957% 45958The feeling persists that no one can simultaneously be a respectable writer 45959and understand how a refrigerator works, just as no gentleman wears a brown 45960suit in the city. Colleges may be to blame. English majors are encouraged, 45961I know, to hate chemistry and physics, and to be proud because they are not 45962dull and creepy and humorless and war-oriented like the engineers across the 45963quad. And our most impressive critics have commonly been such English majors, 45964and they are squeamish about technology to this very day. So it is natural 45965for them to despise science fiction. 45966 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "Science Fiction" 45967% 45968The fellow sat down at a bar, ordered a drink and asked the bartender if he 45969wanted to hear a dumb-jock joke. 45970 "Hey, buddy," the bartender replied, "you see those two guys next to 45971you? They used to be with the Chicago Bears. The two dudes behind you made 45972the U.S. Olympic wrestling team. And for you information, I used to play 45973center at Notre Dame." 45974 "Forget it," the customer said. "I don't want to explain it five 45975times." 45976% 45977"The feminist agenda," Pat Robertson observed in a recent letter to his 45978supporters, "is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, 45979anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their 45980husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism 45981and become lesbians." 45982% 45983The Feynman Problem-Solving Algorithm: 45984 (1) write down the problem. 45985 (2) think very hard. 45986 (3) write down the answer. 45987 -- Murray Gell-Mann 45988% 45989The Fifth Rule: 45990 You have taken yourself too seriously. 45991% 45992The final delusion is the belief that one has lost all delusions. 45993 -- Maurice Chapelain, "Main courante" 45994% 45995The final screw holding up a rackmount server is always possessed by demons. 45996% 45997The finest eloquence is that which gets things done. 45998% 45999The first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time, 46000the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time. 46001% 46002The first and almost the only Book deserving of universal attention is 46003the Bible. 46004 -- John Quincy Adams 46005 46006All the good from the Saviour of the world is communicated through this Book; 46007but for the Book we could not know right from wrong. All the things desirable 46008to man are contained in it. 46009 -- Abraham Lincoln 46010 46011... the Bible ... is the one supreme source of revelation of the meaning of 46012life, the nature of God and spiritual nature and need of men. It is the only 46013guide of life which really leads the spirit in the way of peace and salvation. 46014 -- Woodrow Wilson 46015% 46016The First Commandment for Technicians: 46017 Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged 46018capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most 46019untechnician-like manner. 46020% 46021The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it. 46022 -- Abbie Hoffman 46023% 46024The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King 46025Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a 46026tragic death. He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad 46027forks. Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously 46028fled the city, complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of 46029threatening notes left on his breakfast tray. At the time, this looked 46030suspicious what with his father's death, and Carotene was suspected of 46031foul play. Then the rest of the King's relatives began to drop dead 46032one after the other in an odd fashion. Some were found strangled with 46033dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning. A few were found 46034drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants unknown 46035and beaten to death with a pot roast. At least three appear to have 46036thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture 46037of grief over the King's untimely end. Finally there was no one left 46038in Minas Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed 46039crown, and the rule of Twodor was up for grabs. The scullery slave 46040Parrafin bravely accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when 46041a lineal descendant of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful 46042throne, conquer Twodor's enemies, and revamp the postal system. 46043 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 46044% 46045The first guy that rats gets a bellyful of slugs in the head. Understand? 46046 -- Joey Glimco, trade unionist 46047% 46048The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half 46049by our children. 46050 -- Clarence Darrow 46051% 46052The first marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence, 46053and the second the triumph of hope over experience. 46054% 46055The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of 46056management is that success equals skill. 46057 -- Robert Heller 46058% 46059The first requisite for immortality is death. 46060 -- Stanislaw Lem 46061% 46062The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish 46063child, was propounded to me by my father: 46064 "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and 46065whistles?" 46066 I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity 46067gave up. 46068 "A herring," said my father. 46069 "A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!" 46070 "So hang it there." 46071 "But a herring isn't green!" I protested. 46072 "Paint it." 46073 "But a herring isn't wet." 46074 "If it's just painted it's still wet." 46075 "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring 46076doesn't whistle!!" 46077 "Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it 46078hard." 46079 -- Leo Rosten, "The Joys of Yiddish" 46080% 46081The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist "Jack." 46082 -- H. L. Mencken 46083% 46084The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. 46085 -- Paul Erlich 46086% 46087The first rule of magic is simple. Don't waste your time waving your 46088hands and hoping when a rock or a club will do. 46089 -- McCloctnik the Lucid 46090% 46091The First Rule of Program Optimization: 46092 Don't do it. 46093 46094The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!): 46095 Don't do it yet. 46096 -- Michael Jackson 46097% 46098The first thing I do in the morning 46099is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue. 46100 -- Dorothy Parker 46101% 46102The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers. 46103 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI", Part IV 46104% 46105The first time, it's a KLUDGE! 46106The second, a trick. 46107Later, it's a well-established technique! 46108 -- Mike Broido, Intermetrics 46109% 46110The first version always gets thrown away. 46111% 46112The five rules of Socialism: 46113 46114 1. Don't think. 46115 2. If you do think, don't speak. 46116 3. If you think and speak, don't write. 46117 4. If you think, speak and write, don't sign. 46118 5. If you think, speak, write and sign, don't be surprised. 46119 46120 -- being told in Poland, 1987 46121% 46122...the flaw that makes perfection perfect. 46123% 46124The flow chart is a most thoroughly oversold piece of program documentation. 46125 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month" 46126% 46127The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization. 46128 -- Alan Coult 46129% 46130The following quote is from page 4-27 of the MSCP Basic Disk Functions 46131Manual which is part of the UDA50 Programmers Doc Kit manuals: 46132 46133As stated above, the host area of a disk is structured as a vector of 46134logical blocks. From a performance viewpoint, however, it is more 46135appropriate to view the host area as a four dimensional hyper-cube, the 46136four dimensions being cylinder, group, track, and sector. 46137 . . . 46138Referring to our hyper-cube analogy, the set of potentially accessible 46139blocks form a line parallel to the track axis. This line moves 46140parallel to the sector axis, wrapping around when it reaches the edge 46141of the hyper-cube. 46142% 46143The following statement is not true. 46144The previous statement is true. 46145% 46146The Following Subsume All Physical and Human Laws: 46147 46148 1. You can't push on a string. 46149 2. Ain't no free lunches. 46150 3. Them as has, gets. 46151 4. You can't win them all, but you sure as hell can lose them all. 46152% 46153The Force is what holds everything together. 46154It has its dark side, and it has its light side. 46155It's sort of like cosmic duct tape. 46156% 46157The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money completely surrounded by 46158people who want some. 46159 -- Dwight MacDonald 46160% 46161The forest is safe because a lion lives therein and the lion is safe 46162because it lives in a forest. Likewise the friendship of persons 46163rests on mutual help. 46164 -- Laukikanyay 46165% 46166The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and by 46167a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities. 46168% 46169The founding fathers tried to set up a judicial system where the accused 46170received a fair trial, not a system to ensure an acquittal on technicalities. 46171% 46172The fountain code has been tightened slightly so you can no longer dip 46173objects into a fountain or drink from one while you are floating in mid-air 46174due to levitation. 46175 Teleporting to hell via a teleportation trap will no longer occur 46176if the character does not have fire resistance. 46177 -- README file from the NetHack game 46178% 46179The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and 46180vinyl. 46181 -- Dave Barry 46182% 46183[The French Riviera is] a sunny place for shady people. 46184 -- W. Somerset Maugham 46185% 46186The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the 46187number of your kids by thirty-two teeth. 46188% 46189The full potentialities of human fury cannot be reached until a friend 46190of both parties tactfully interferes. 46191 -- G. K. Chesterton 46192% 46193The function of the expert is not to be more right than other people, 46194but to be wrong for more sophisticated reasons. 46195 -- Dr. David Butler, British psephologist 46196% 46197The future is a myth created by insurance 46198salesmen and high school counselors. 46199% 46200The future is a race between education and catastrophe. 46201 -- H. G. Wells 46202% 46203The future is going to be boring. 46204 -- J. G. Ballard 46205% 46206The future isn't what it used to be. (It never was.) 46207% 46208The future lies ahead. 46209% 46210The future not being born, my friend, 46211we will abstain from baptizing it. 46212 -- George Meredith 46213% 46214The garden is in mourning; 46215The rain falls cool among the flowers. 46216Summer shivers quietly 46217On its way towards its end. 46218 46219Golden leaf after leaf 46220Falls from the tall acacia. 46221Summer smiles, astonished, feeble, 46222In this dying dream of a garden. 46223 46224For a long while, yet, in the roses, 46225She will linger on, yearning for peace, 46226And slowly 46227Close her weary eyes. 46228 -- Hermann Hesse, "September" 46229% 46230The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance. 46231% 46232The genius of our ruling class is that it has kept a majority of the 46233people from ever questioning the inequity of a system where most people 46234drudge along paying heavy taxes for which they get nothing in return. 46235 -- Gore Vidal 46236% 46237The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep. 46238% 46239The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness. 46240% 46241The giraffe you thought you offended last week is willing to be nuzzled 46242today. 46243% 46244The girl who remembers her first kiss now has a daughter who can't even 46245remember her first husband. 46246% 46247The girl who stoops to conquer usually wears a low-cut dress. 46248% 46249The girl who swears no one has ever made love to her has a right to swear. 46250 -- Sophia Loren 46251% 46252The glances over cocktails 46253That seemed to be so sweet 46254Don't seem quite so amorous 46255Over Shredded Wheat 46256% 46257The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at 46258least until we've finished building it. 46259% 46260The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. The goal of nature 46261is to build better mice. 46262% 46263The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him 46264love and he invented marriage. 46265% 46266The Golden Rule is of no use to you whatever unless you realize it 46267is your move. 46268 -- Frank Crane 46269% 46270The Golden Rule of Arts and Sciences: 46271 He who has the gold makes the rules. 46272% 46273The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who 46274make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians 46275have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine 46276man in the bonds of Hell. 46277 -- St. Augustine 46278% 46279The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got 46280to be good. 46281 -- John Barrymore 46282% 46283The good (I am convinced, for one) 46284Is but the bad one leaves undone. 46285Once your reputation's done 46286You can live a life of fun. 46287 -- Wilhelm Busch 46288% 46289The good life was so elusive 46290It really got me down 46291I had to regain some confidence 46292So I got into camouflage 46293% 46294The good time is approaching, 46295The season is at hand. 46296When the merry click of the two-base lick 46297Will be heard throughout the land. 46298The frost still lingers on the earth, and 46299Budless are the trees. 46300But the merry ring of the voice of spring 46301Is borne upon the breeze. 46302 -- Ode to Opening Day, "The Sporting News", 1886 46303% 46304The Gordian Maxim: 46305If a string has one end, it has another. 46306% 46307The government has just completed work on a missile that turned out 46308to be a bit of a boondoggle; nicknamed "Civil Servant", it won't work 46309and they can't fire it. 46310% 46311The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of 46312statistics. These are raised to the _nth degree, the cube roots are 46313extracted, and the results are arranged into elaborate and impressive 46314displays. What must be kept ever in mind, however, is that in every 46315case, the figures are first put down by a village watchman, and he puts 46316down anything he damn well pleases. 46317 -- Sir Josiah Stamp 46318% 46319The Government just announced today the creation of the Neutron Bomb II. 46320Similar to the Neutron Bomb, the Neutron Bomb II not only kills people 46321and leaves buildings standing, but also does a little light housekeeping. 46322% 46323The government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the 46324Christian Religion 46325 -- George Washington 46326% 46327The government was contemplating the dispatch of an expedition to Burma, 46328with a view to taking Rangoon, and a question arose as to who would be the 46329fittest general to be sent in command of the expedition. The Cabinet sent 46330for the Duke of Wellington, and asked his advice. He instantly replied, 46331"Send Lord Combermere." 46332 "But we have always understood that your Grace thought Lord 46333Combermere a fool." 46334 "So he is a fool, and a damned fool; but he can take Rangoon." 46335 -- G. W. E. Russell 46336% 46337The goys have proven the following theorem... 46338 -- Physicist John von Neumann, at the start of a classroom 46339 lecture. 46340% 46341The grand leap of the whale up the Fall of Niagara is esteemed, by all 46342who have seen it, as one of the finest spectacles in nature. 46343 -- Benjamin Franklin 46344% 46345The grass is always greener on the other side of your sunglasses. 46346% 46347The grave's a fine and private place, 46348but none, I think, do there embrace. 46349 -- Andrew Marvell 46350% 46351The graveyards are full of indispensable men. 46352 -- Charles de Gaulle 46353% 46354The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog: 46355 The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in 46356courtship, his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk 46357clerks. Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods 46358of time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp 46359Hedgehog Eater. 46360 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 46361% 46362The great merit of society is to make one appreciate solitude. 46363 -- Charles Chincholles, "Reflections on the Art of Life" 46364% 46365The Great Movie Posters: 46366 46367*A Giggle Gurgling Gulp of Glee* 46368With Pretty Girls, Peppy Scenes, and Gorgeous Revues -- plus a good story. 46369 -- Tea with a Kick (1924) 46370 46371Whoopie! Let's go!... Hand-picked Beauties doing cute tricks! 46372GET IN THE KNOW FOR THE HEY-HEY WHOOPIE! 46373 -- The Wild Party (1929) 46374 46375YOU HEAR HIM MAKE LOVE! 46376DIX -- the dashing soldier! 46377 DIX -- the bold adventurer! 46378 DIX -- the throbbing lover! 46379 -- The Wheel of Life (1929) 46380 46381SEE CHARLES BUTTERWORTH DRIVE A STREETCAR AND SING LOVE 46382SONGS TO HIS MARE "MITZIE"! 46383 -- The Night is Young (1934) 46384% 46385The Great Movie Posters: 46386 46387A mis-spawned murderous abomination from the nether reaches of an 46388unimaginable hell. 46389 -- The Killer of Castle Brood (1967) 46390 46391NEW -- SICKENING HORROR to make your STOMACH TURN and FLESH CRAWL! 46392 -- Frankenstein's Bloody Terror (1968) 46393 46394LUST-MAD MEN AND LAWLESS WOMEN IN A VICIOUS AND SENSUOUS ORGY OF 46395SLAUGHTER! 46396 -- Five Bloody Graves (1969) 46397 46398The family that slays together stays together. 46399 -- Bloody Mama (1970) 46400% 46401The Great Movie Posters: 46402 46403An AVALANCHE of KILLER WORMS! 46404 -- Squirm (1976) 46405 46406Most Movies Live Less Than Two Hours. 46407This Is One of Everlasting Torment! 46408 -- The New House on the Left (1977) 46409 46410WE ARE GOING TO EAT YOU! 46411 -- Zombie (1980) 46412 46413It's not human and it's got an axe. 46414 -- The Prey (1981) 46415% 46416The Great Movie Posters: 46417 46418Different! Daring! Dynamic! Defying! Dumbfounding! 46419SEE Uncle Tom lead the Negroes to FREEDOM! 46420... Now, all the SENSUAL and VIOLENT passions Roots couldn't show on TV! 46421 -- Uncle Tom's Cabin (1972) 46422 46423An appalling amalgam of carnage and carnality! 46424 -- Flesh and Blood Show (1973) 46425 46426WHEN THE CATS ARE HUNGRY... 46427RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! 46428Alone, only a harmless pet... 46429 One Thousand Strong, They Become a Man-Eating Machine! 46430 -- The Night of a Thousand Cats (1972) 46431 46432They're Over-Exposed 46433But Not Under-Developed! 46434 -- Cover Girl Models (1976) 46435% 46436The Great Movie Posters: 46437 46438HOODLUMS FROM ANOTHER WORLD ON A RAY-GUN RAMPAGE! 46439 -- Teenagers from Outer Space (1959) 46440 46441Which will be Her Mate... MAN OR BEAST? 46442Meet Velda -- the Kind of Woman -- Man or Gorilla would kill... to Keep. 46443 -- Untamed Mistress (1960) 46444 46445NOW AN ALL-MIGHTY ALL-NEW MOTION PICTURE BRINGS THEM TOGETHER FOR THE 46446FIRST TIME... HISTORY'S MOST GIGANTIC MONSTERS IN COMBAT ATOP MOUNT FUJI! 46447 -- King Kong vs. Godzilla (1963) 46448% 46449The Great Movie Posters: 46450 46451HOT STEEL BETWEEN THEIR LEGS! 46452 -- The Cycle Savages (1969) 46453 46454The Hand that Rocks the Cradle... Has no Flesh on It! 46455 -- Who Slew Auntie Roo? (1971) 46456 46457TWO GREAT BLOOD HORRORS TO RIP OUT YOUR GUTS! 46458 -- I Eat Your Skin & I Drink Your Blood (1971 double-bill) 46459 46460They Went In People and Came Out Hamburger! 46461 -- The Corpse Grinders (1971) 46462% 46463The Great Movie Posters: 46464 46465KATHERINE HEPBURN as the lying, stealing, singing, preying witch girl 46466of the Ozarks... "Low down white trash"? Maybe so -- but let her hear 46467you say it and she'll break your head to prove herself a lady! 46468 -- Spitfire (1934) 46469 46470Do Native Women Live With Apes? 46471 -- Love Life of a Gorilla (1937) 46472 46473JUNGLE KISS!! 46474 When she looked into his eyes, felt his arms around her -- she 46475was no longer Tura, mysterious white goddess of the jungle tribes -- 46476she was no longer the frozen-hearted high priestess under whose hypnotic 46477spell the worshipers of the great crocodile god meekly bowed -- she 46478was a girl in love! 46479 SEE the ravening charge of the hundred scared CROCODILES! 46480 -- Her Jungle Love (1938) 46481 46482LOVE! HATE! JOY! FEAR! TORMENT! PANIC! SHAME! RAGE! 46483 -- Intermezzo (1939) 46484% 46485The Great Movie Posters: 46486 46487POWERFUL! SHOCKING! RAW! ROUGH! CHALLENGING! SEE A LITTLE GIRL MOLESTED! 46488 -- Never Take Candy from a Stranger (1963) 46489 46490She Sins in Mobile -- 46491Marries in Houston -- 46492Loses Her Baby in Dallas -- 46493Leaves Her Husband in Tucson -- 46494MEETS HARRU IN SAN DIEGO!... 46495FIRST -- HARLOW! 46496THEN -- MONROE! 46497NOW -- McCLANAHAN!!! 46498 -- The Rotten Apple (1963), Rue McClanahan 46499 46500*NOT FOR SISSIES! DON'T COME IF YOU'RE CHICKEN! 46501A Horrifying Movie of Weird Beauties and Shocking Monsters... 465021001 WEIRDEST SCENES EVER!! MOST SHOCKING THRILLER OF THE CENTURY! 46503 -- Teenage Psycho meets Bloody Mary (1964) (Alternate Title: 46504 The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and 46505 Became Mixed Up Zombies) 46506% 46507The Great Movie Posters: 46508 46509SCENES THAT WILL STAGGER YOUR SIGHT! 46510-- DANCING CALLED GO-GO 46511-- MUSIC CALLED JU-JU 46512-- NARCOTICS CALLED BANGI! 46513-- FIRES OF PUBERTY! 46514 SEE the burning of a virgin! 46515 SEE power of witch doctor over women! 46516 SEE pygmies with fantastic Physical Endowments!!! 46517 -- Kwaheri (1965) 46518 46519The Big Comedy of Nineteen-Sexty-Sex! 46520 -- Boeing-Boeing (1965) 46521 46522AN ASTRONAUT WENT UP- 46523A "GUESS WHAT" CAME DOWN! 46524 The picture that comes complete with a 10-foot tall monster to 46525give you the wim-wams! 46526 -- Monster a Go-Go (1965) 46527% 46528The Great Movie Posters: 46529 46530SEE rebel guerrillas torn apart by trucks! 46531SEE corpses cut to pieces and fed to dogs and vultures! 46532SEE the monkey trained to perform nursing duties for her paralyzed owner! 46533 -- Sweet and Savage (1983) 46534 46535What a Guy! What a Gal! What a Pair! 46536 -- Stroker Ace (1983) 46537 46538It's always better when you come again! 46539 -- Porky's II: The Next Day (1983) 46540 46541You Don't Have to Go to Texas for a Chainsaw Massacre! 46542 -- Pieces (1983) 46543% 46544The Great Movie Posters: 46545 46546SHE TOOK ON A WHOLE GANG! A howling hellcat humping a hot steel hog 46547on a roaring rampage of revenge! 46548 -- Bury Me an Angel (1972) 46549 46550WHAT'S THE SECRET INGREDIENT USED BY THE MAD BUTCHER FOR HIS SUPERB 46551SAUSAGES? 46552 -- Meat is Meat (1972) 46553 46554TODAY the Pond! 46555TOMORROW the World! 46556 -- Frogs (1972) 46557% 46558The Great Movie Posters: 46559 46560She's got the biggest six-shooters in the West! 46561 -- The Beautiful Blonde from Bashful Bend (1949) 46562 46563CAST OF 3,000! 465644 WRITERS, 465652 DIRECTORS, 465663 CAMERAMEN, 465673 PRODUCERS! 465681 YEAR TO MAKE THIS FILM -- 4656924 YEARS TO REHEARSE -- 4657020 YEARS TO DISTRIBUTE! 46571 BEAUTIFUL BEYOND WORDS! 46572 AWE-INSPIRING! VITAL! 46573THE PRINCE OF PEACE PROVIDES THE ANSWER TO EVERY PROBLEM! 46574Be Brave-bring your troubles and your family to: 46575 HISTORY'S MOST SUBLIME EVENT! YOU'LL FIND GOD RIGHT IN THERE! 46576 -- The Prince of Peace (1948). Starring members of the 46577 Wichita Mountain Pageant featuring Millard Coody as Jesus. 46578% 46579The Great Movie Posters: 46580 46581The Miracle of the Age!!! A LION in your lap! A LOVER in your arms! 46582 -- Bwana Devil (1952) 46583 46584OVERWHELMING! ELECTRIFYING! BAFFLING! 46585Fire Can't Burn Them! Bullets Can't Kill Them! See the Unfolding of 46586the Mysteries of the Moon as Murderous Robot Monsters Descend Upon the 46587Earth! You've Never Seen Anything Like It! Neither Has the World! 46588 SEE... Robots from Space in All Their Glory!!! 46589 -- Robot Monster (1953) 46590 465911,965 pyramids, 5,337 dancing girls, one million swaying bullrushes, 46592802 scared bulls! 46593 -- The Egyptian (1954) 46594% 46595The Great Movie Posters: 46596 46597The nightmare terror of the slithering eye that unleashed agonizing 46598horror on a screaming world! 46599 -- The Crawling Eye (1958) 46600 46601SEE a female colossus... her mountainous torso, skyscraper limbs, 46602giant desires! 46603 -- Attack of the Fifty-Foot Woman (1958) 46604 46605Here Is Your Chance To Know More About Sex. 46606What Should a Movie Do? Hide It's Head in the Sand Like an Ostrich? 46607Or Face the JOLTING TRUTH as does... 46608 -- The Desperate Women (1958) 46609% 46610The Great Movie Posters: 46611 46612They hungered for her treasure! And died for her pleasure! 46613SEE Man-Fish Battle Shark-Man-Killer! 46614 -- The Golden Mistress (1954) 46615 46616See Jane Russell in 3-D; She'll Knock Both Your Eyes Out! 46617 -- The French Line (1954) 46618 46619See Jane Russell Shake Her Tambourines... and Drive Cornel WILDE! 46620 -- Hot Blood (1956) 46621% 46622The Great Movie Posters: 46623 46624When You're Six Tons -- And They Call You Killer -- It's Hard To Make 46625Friends... 46626 -- Namu, the Killer Whale (1966) 46627 46628Meet the Girls with the Thermo-Nuclear Navels! 46629 -- Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs (1966) 46630 46631A GHASTLY TALE DRENCHED WITH GOUTS OF BLOOD SPURTING FROM THE VICTIMS 46632OF A CRAZED MADMAN'S LUST. 46633 -- A Taste of Blood (1967) 46634% 46635The great nations have always acted like gangsters and the small nations 46636like prostitutes. 46637 -- Stanley Kubrick 46638% 46639The great question that has never been answered and which I have not 46640yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the 46641feminine soul is: WHAT DOES A WOMAN WANT? 46642 -- Sigmund Freud 46643% 46644The great secret in life ... [is] not to open your letters for a fortnight. 46645At the expiration of that period you will find that nearly all of them have 46646answered themselves. 46647 -- Arthur Binstead 46648% 46649The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men 46650of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding. 46651 -- Justice Louis D. Brandeis 46652% 46653The greatest disloyalty one can offer to great pioneers 46654is to refuse to move an inch from where they stood. 46655% 46656The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves. 46657 -- Sophocles 46658% 46659The greatest joy a man can know is to conquer his enemies and drive them 46660before him. To ride their horses and take away their possessions. To see 46661the faces of those who were dear to them bedewed with tears, and to clasp 46662their wives and daughters to his arms. 46663 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan 46664% 46665The greatest love is a mother's, then a dog's, then a sweetheart's. 46666 -- Polish proverb 46667% 46668The Greatest Mathematical Error 46669 The Mariner I space probe was launched from Cape Canaveral on 28 46670July 1962 towards Venus. After 13 minutes' flight a booster engine would 46671give acceleration up to 25,820 mph; after 44 minutes 9,800 solar cells 46672would unfold; after 80 days a computer would calculate the final course 46673corrections and after 100 days the craft would circle the unknown planet, 46674scanning the mysterious cloud in which it is bathed. 46675 However, with an efficiency that is truly heartening, Mariner I 46676plunged into the Atlantic Ocean only four minutes after takeoff. 46677 Inquiries later revealed that a minus sign had been omitted from 46678the instructions fed into the computer. "It was human error", a launch 46679spokesman said. 46680 This minus sign cost L4,280,000. 46681 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 46682% 46683The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none. 46684% 46685The greatest productive force is human selfishness. 46686 -- Robert A. Heinlein 46687% 46688The greatest remedy for anger is delay. 46689% 46690The groundhog is like most other prophets; 46691it delivers its message and then disappears. 46692% 46693The hand that feeds the chicken every day finally wrings its neck instead, 46694thus proving that more sophisticated views about the uniformity of nature 46695would have been useful to the chicken. 46696 46697 -- Bertrand Russell, "On Induction" 46698% 46699The happiest time in any man's life is just after the first divorce. 46700 -- J. K. Galbraith 46701% 46702The hardest part of climbing the ladder of 46703success is getting through the crowd at the bottom. 46704% 46705The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax. 46706 -- Albert Einstein 46707% 46708The hardest thing is to disguise your feelings when 46709you put a lot of relatives on the train for home. 46710% 46711The hater of property and of government takes care to have his warranty 46712deed recorded, and the book written against fame and learning has the 46713author's name on the title page. 46714 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Journals" (1831) 46715% 46716The hatred of relatives is the most violent. 46717 -- Tacitus (c.55 - c.117) 46718% 46719The health of a democratic society may be measured by the quality 46720of functions performed by private citizens. 46721 -- Alexis de Tocqueville 46722% 46723The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom 46724whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, nohow. 46725% 46726The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of. 46727 -- Blaise Pascal 46728% 46729The heart is wiser than the intellect. 46730% 46731...the heat come 'round and busted me for smiling on a cloudy day. 46732% 46733The heaviest object in the world is the 46734body of the woman you have ceased to love. 46735 -- Marquis de Lac de Clapiers Vauvenargues 46736% 46737The Heineken Uncertainty Principle: 46738 You can never be sure how many beers you had last night. 46739% 46740The help people need most urgently is 46741help in admitting that they need help. 46742% 46743The herd instinct among economists makes sheep look like independent 46744thinkers. 46745% 46746The heroic hours of life do not announce their presence by drum and trumpet, 46747challenging us to be true to ourselves by appeals to the martial spirit that 46748keeps the blood at heat. Some little, unassuming, unobtrusive choice presents 46749itself before us slyly and craftily, glib and insinuating, in the modest garb 46750of innocence. To yield to its blandishments is so easy. The wrong, it seems, 46751is venial... Then it is that you will be summoned to show the courage of 46752adventurous youth. 46753 -- Benjamin Cardozo 46754% 46755The hieroglyphics are all unreadable except for a notation on the back, 46756which reads "Genuine authentic Egyptian papyrus. Guaranteed to be at 46757least 5000 years old." 46758% 46759The higher you climb, the more you show your ass. 46760 -- Alexander Pope, "The Dunciad" 46761% 46762The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through 46763three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry, and 46764Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why, and Where phases. For 46765instance, the first phase is characterized by the question "How can we 46766eat?" the second by "Why do we eat?" and the third by "Where shall we 46767have lunch?". 46768 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe" 46769% 46770The history of warfare is similarly subdivided, although here the phases 46771are Retribution, Anticipation, and Diplomacy. Thus: 46772 46773Retribution: 46774 I'm going to kill you because you killed my brother. 46775Anticipation: 46776 I'm going to kill you because I killed your brother. 46777Diplomacy: 46778 I'm going to kill my brother and then kill you on the 46779 pretext that your brother did it. 46780% 46781The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars." 46782 -- Johnny Carson 46783% 46784The honeymoon is not actually over until we cease 46785to stifle our sighs and begin to stifle our yawns. 46786 -- Helen Rowland 46787% 46788The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late for supper and 46789she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator. 46790 -- Bill Lawrence 46791% 46792The horror... the horror! 46793% 46794The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for 46795lists of "Ten Best". 46796 -- H. Allen Smith 46797% 46798The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment 46799you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public. 46800 -- Sir George Jessel 46801% 46802The human brain is like an enormous fish -- it is flat and slimy and 46803has gills through which it can see. 46804 -- Monty Python 46805% 46806The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its 46807capacity -- the rest is overhead for the operating system. 46808% 46809The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange 46810protein -- it rejects it. 46811 -- P. Medawar 46812% 46813The human race has been fascinated by sharks for as long as I can 46814remember. Just like the bluebird feeding its young, or the spider 46815struggling to weave its perfect web, or the buttercup blooming in 46816spring, the shark reveals to us yet another of the infinite and 46817wonderful facets of nature, namely the facet that it can bite your head 46818off. This causes us humans to feel a certain degree of awe. 46819 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 46820% 46821The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. 46822 -- Mark Twain 46823% 46824The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that 46825procession but carrying a banner. 46826 -- Mark Twain 46827% 46828The human race never solves any of its problems. It merely outlives them. 46829 -- David Gerrold 46830% 46831The husband who doesn't tell his wife everything probably reasons 46832that what she doesn't know won't hurt him. 46833 -- Leo J. Burke 46834% 46835The IBM 2250 is impressive ... 46836if you compare it with a system selling for a tenth its price. 46837 -- D. Cohen 46838% 46839The IBM purchase of ROLM gives new meaning to the term "twisted pair". 46840 -- Howard Anderson, "Yankee Group" 46841% 46842The idea is to die young as late as possible. 46843 -- Ashley Montague 46844% 46845The idea that an arbitrary naive human should be able to properly use a given 46846tool without training or understanding is even more wrong for computing than 46847it is for other tools (e.g. automobiles, airplanes, guns, power saws). 46848 -- Doug Gwyn 46849% 46850The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic 46851devices, such as television sets and VCR's, to the destruction centers, 46852where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with 46853sledgehammers. With their devices thus permanently destroyed, 46854consumers would then be free to go out and buy new devices, rather than 46855have to fritter away years of their lives trying to have the old ones 46856repaired at so-called "factory service centers," which in fact consist 46857of two men named Lester poking at the insides of broken electronic 46858devices with cheap cigars and going, "Lookit all them WIRES in there!" 46859 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants" 46860% 46861The ideal voice for radio may be defined as showing no substance, 46862no sex, no owner, and a message of importance for every housewife. 46863 -- Harry V. Wade 46864% 46865The ideas of economists and political philosophers, both when they 46866are right and when they are wrong, are more powerful than is generally 46867understood. Indeed, the world is ruled by little else. 46868 -- John Maynard Keynes 46869% 46870The identical is equal to itself, since it is different. 46871 -- Franco Spisani 46872% 46873The idle man does not know what it is to enjoy rest. 46874% 46875The idle mind knows not what it is it wants. 46876 -- Quintus Ennius 46877% 46878The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a bit 46879longer. 46880 -- Henry Kissinger 46881% 46882The Illiterati Programus Canto 1: 46883 A program is a lot like a nose: 46884 Sometimes it runs, and sometimes it blows. 46885% 46886The important thing is not to stop questioning. 46887% 46888The important thing to remember about walking on eggs is not to hop. 46889% 46890The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf 46891has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know 46892when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr. 46893 -- Will Rogers 46894% 46895The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important 46896point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly 46897important thing to people. 46898 -- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King 46899% 46900The infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is 46901a delight to moralists. That is why they invented hell. 46902 -- Bertrand Russell 46903% 46904The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; 46905the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. 46906 -- Winston Churchill 46907% 46908The instruments of science do not in themselves discover truth. And 46909there are searchings that are not concluded by the coincidence of a 46910pointer and a mark. 46911 -- Fred Saberhagen, "The Berserker Wars" 46912% 46913The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the 46914number of participants. 46915 -- Adam Walinsky 46916% 46917The introduction of a new kind of music must be shunned as imperiling 46918the whole state, for styles of music are never disturbed without 46919affecting the most important political institutions. ... The new 46920style, gradually gaining a lodgement, quietly insinuates itself into 46921manners and customs, and from it ... goes on to attack laws and 46922constitutions, displaying the utmost impudence, until it ends by 46923overturning everything. 46924 -- Plato, "Republic", 370 B.C. 46925% 46926The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided 46927by the number of people in the group. 46928% 46929The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free 46930information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a 46931dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a 46932real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless. 46933 46934So, for guidance, you want to look to big business. Big business never 46935pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big 46936consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes... 46937 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" 46938% 46939The Israelis are the Doberman pinschers of the Middle East. They 46940treat the Arabs like postmen. 46941 -- Franklyn Ajaye 46942% 46943The Israelites were all waiting anxiously at the foot of the mountain, 46944knowing that Moses had had a tough day negotiating with God over the 46945Commandments. Finally a tired Moses came into sight. 46946 "I've got some good news and some bad news, folks," he said. "The 46947good news is that I got Him down to ten. The bad news is that adultery's 46948still in." 46949% 46950The Junior God now heads the roll 46951In the list of heaven's peers; 46952He sits in the House of High Control, 46953And he regulates the spheres. 46954Yet does he wonder, do you suppose, 46955If, even in gods divine, 46956The best and wisest may not be those 46957Who have wallowed awhile with the swine? 46958 -- R. W. Service 46959% 46960The justifications for drug testing are part of the presently fashionable 46961debate concerning restoring America's "competitiveness." Drugs, it has been 46962revealed, are responsible for rampant absenteeism, reduced output, and poor 46963quality work. But is drug testing in fact rationally related to the 46964resurrection of competitiveness? Will charging the atmosphere of the 46965workplace with the fear of excretory betrayal honestly spur productivity? 46966Much noise has been made about rehabilitating the worker using drugs, but 46967to date the vast majority of programs end with the simple firing or the not 46968hiring of the abuser. This practice may exacerbate, not alleviate, the 46969nation's productivity problem. If economic rehabilitation is the ultimate 46970goal of drug testing, then criteria abandoning the rehabilitation of the 46971drug-using worker is the purest of hypocrisy and the worst of rationalization. 46972 -- The concluding paragraph of "Constitutional Law: The 46973 Fourth Amendment and Drug Testing in the Workplace," 46974 Tim Moore, Harvard Journal of Law & Public Policy, vol. 46975 10, No. 3 (Summer 1987), pp. 762-768. 46976% 46977The Ken Thompson school of thought on expert systems: 46978there's table lookup, fraud, and grand fraud. 46979 -- Andrew Hume 46980% 46981The Kennedy Constant: 46982 Don't get mad -- get even. 46983% 46984The key elements in human thinking are not numbers but labels of fuzzy sets. 46985 -- L. Zadeh 46986% 46987The key to building a superstar is to keep their mouth shut. To reveal 46988an artist to the people can be to destroy him. It isn't to anyone's 46989advantage to see the truth. 46990 -- Bob Ezrin, rock music producer 46991% 46992The Killer Ducks are coming!!! 46993% 46994The kind of danger people most enjoy is 46995the kind they can watch from a safe place. 46996% 46997The King and his advisor are overlooking the battle field: 46998 46999King: "How goes the battle plan?" 47000Advisor: "See those little black specks running to the right?" 47001K: "Yes." 47002A: "Those are their guys. And all those little red specks running 47003 to the left are our guys. Then when they collide we wait till 47004 the dust clears." 47005K: "And?" 47006A: "If there are more red specks left than black specks, we win." 47007K: "But what about the ^#!!$% battle plan?" 47008A: "So far, it seems to be going according to specks." 47009% 47010The knowledge that makes us cherish 47011innocence makes innocence unattainable. 47012 -- Irving Howe 47013% 47014The Kosher Dill was invented in 1723 by Joe Kosher and Sam Dill. It is 47015the single most popular pickle variety today, enjoyed throughout the free 47016world by man, woman and child alike. An astounding 350 billion kosher 47017dills are eaten each year, averaging out to almost 1/4 pickle per person 47018per day. New York Times food critic Mimi Sheraton says "The kosher dill 47019really changed my life. I used to enjoy eating McDonald's hamburgers and 47020drinking Iron City Lite, and then I encountered the kosher dill pickle. 47021I realized that there was far more to haute cuisine then I'd ever imagined. 47022And now, just look at me." 47023% 47024The ladies men admire, I've heard, 47025Would shudder at a wicked word. 47026Their candle gives a single light; 47027They'd rather stay at home at night. 47028They do not keep awake till three, 47029Nor read erotic poetry. 47030They never sanction the impure, 47031Nor recognize an overture. 47032They shrink from powders and from paints... 47033So far, I've had no complaints. 47034 -- Dorothy Parker 47035% 47036The language of politics is poetry, not prose. Jackson is poetry. 47037Cuomo is poetry. Dukakis is a word processor. 47038 -- Richard M. Nixon, on Meet the Press, April, 1988 47039% 47040The last good thing written in C was Franz Schubert's Symphony No. 9. 47041 -- Werner Trobin 47042% 47043The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for 47044everything that goes wrong -- until the next person quits or is fired. 47045% 47046The last person who said that (God rest his soul) lived to regret it. 47047% 47048The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first. 47049 -- Blaise Pascal 47050% 47051The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane holding his own 47052hand. 47053 -- Fred Allen 47054% 47055The last time somebody said, "I find I can write much better with a word 47056processor.", I replied, "They used to say the same thing about drugs." 47057 -- Roy Blount, Jr. 47058% 47059The last vestiges of the old Republic have been swept away. 47060 -- Governor Tarkin 47061% 47062The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, 47063to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread. 47064 -- Anatole France 47065% 47066The Law of the Letter: 47067 The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the envelope. 47068% 47069The Law of the Perversity of Nature: 47070 You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter. 47071% 47072The law will never make men free; it is men who have got to make the 47073law free. 47074 -- Henry David Thoreau 47075% 47076The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men 47077should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal 47078weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine 47079we own. 47080 -- H. G. Wells 47081% 47082The Least Perceptive Literary Critic 47083 The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax. A 47084most individual judge of poetry, he once invited Alexander Pope round to 47085give a public reading of his latest poem. 47086 Pope, the leading poet of his day, was greatly surprised when Lord 47087Halifax stopped him four or five times and said, "I beg your pardon, Mr. 47088Pope, but there is something in that passage that does not quite please me." 47089 Pope was rendered speechless, as this fine critic suggested sizeable 47090and unwise emendations to his latest masterpiece. "Be so good as to mark 47091the place and consider at your leisure. I'm sure you can give it a better 47092turn." 47093 After the reading, a good friend of Lord Halifax, a certain Dr. 47094Garth, took the stunned Pope to one side. "There is no need to touch the 47095lines," he said. "All you need do is leave them just as they are, call on 47096Lord Halifax two or three months hence, thank him for his kind observation 47097on those passages, and then read them to him as altered. I have known him 47098much longer than you have, and will be answerable for the event." 47099 Pope took his advice, called on Lord Hallifax and read the poem 47100exactly as it was before. His unique critical faculties had lost none of 47101their edge. "Ay", he commented, "now they are perfectly right. Nothing can 47102be better." 47103 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 47104% 47105The Least Successful Animal Rescue 47106 The firemen's strike of 1978 made possible one of the great animal 47107rescue attempts of all time. Valiantly, the British Army had taken over 47108emergency firefighting and on 14 January they were called out by an elderly 47109lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped up a 47110tree. They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their duty. 47111So grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea. Driving off 47112later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat and killed it. 47113 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 47114% 47115The Least Successful Collector 47116 Betsy Baker played a central role in the history of collecting. She 47117was employed as a servant in the house of John Warburton (1682-1759) who had 47118amassed a fine collection of 58 first edition plays, including most of the 47119works of Shakespeare. 47120 One day Warburton returned home to find 55 of them charred beyond 47121legibility. Betsy had either burned them or used them as pie bottoms. The 47122remaining three folios are now in the British Museum. 47123 The only comparable literary figure was the maid who in 1835 burned 47124the manuscript of the first volume of Thomas Carlyle's "The History of the 47125French Revolution", thinking it was wastepaper. 47126 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 47127% 47128The Least Successful Defrosting Device 47129 The all-time record here is held by Mr. Peter Rowlands of Lancaster 47130whose lips became frozen to his lock in 1979 while blowing warm air on it. 47131 "I got down on my knees to breathe into the lock. Somehow my lips 47132got stuck fast." 47133 While he was in the posture, an old lady passed an inquired if he 47134was all right. "Alra? Igmmlptk", he replied at which point she ran away. 47135 "I tried to tell her what had happened, but it came out sort of... 47136muffled," explained Mr. Rowlands, a pottery designer. 47137 He was trapped for twenty minutes ("I felt a bit foolish") until 47138constant hot breathing brought freedom. He was subsequently nicknamed "Hot 47139Lips". 47140 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 47141% 47142The Least Successful Equal Pay Advertisement 47143 In 1976 the European Economic Community pointed out to the Irish 47144Government that it had not yet implemented the agreed sex equality 47145legislation. The Dublin Government immediately advertised for an equal pay 47146enforcement officer. The advertisement offered different salary scales for 47147men and women. 47148 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 47149% 47150The Least Successful Executions 47151 History has furnished us with two executioners worthy of attention. 47152The first performed in Sydney in Australia. In 1803 three attempts were 47153made to hang a Mr. Joseph Samuels. On the first two of these the rope 47154snapped, while on the third Mr. Samuels just hung there peacefully until he 47155and everyone else got bored. Since he had proved unsusceptible to capital 47156punishment, he was reprieved. 47157 The most important British executioner was Mr. James Berry who 47158tried three times in 1885 to hang Mr. John Lee at Exeter Jail, but on each 47159occasion failed to get the trap door open. 47160 In recognition of this achievement, the Home Secretary commuted 47161Lee's sentence to "life" imprisonment. He was released in 1917, emigrated 47162to America and lived until 1933. 47163 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 47164% 47165The Least Successful Police Dogs 47166 America has a very strong candidate in "La Dur", a fearsome looking 47167schnauzer hound, who was retired from the Orlando police force in Florida 47168in 1978. He consistently refused to do anything which might ruffle or 47169offend the criminal classes. 47170 His handling officer, Rick Grim, had to admit: "He just won't go up 47171and bite them. I got sick and tired of doing that dog's work for him." 47172 The British contenders in this category, however, took things a 47173stage further. "Laddie" and "Boy" were trained as detector dogs for drug 47174raids. Their employment was terminated following a raid in the Midlands in 471751967. 47176 While the investigating officer questioned two suspects, they 47177patted and stroked the dogs who eventually fell asleep in front of the 47178fire. When the officer moved to arrest the suspects, one dog growled at 47179him while the other leapt up and bit his thigh. 47180 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 47181% 47182The less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag. 47183 -- Kin Hubbard 47184% 47185The less time planning, the more time programming. 47186% 47187The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them. 47188 -- Lenny Bruce 47189% 47190The life which is unexamined is not worth living. 47191 -- Plato 47192% 47193The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching 47194train. 47195% 47196The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon. 47197% 47198The light of a hundred stars does not equal the light of the moon. 47199% 47200The Linimon's Rule About PRs: The More You Close, The More Will Come 47201% 47202The lion and the calf shall lie down 47203together but the calf won't get much sleep. 47204 -- Woody Allen 47205% 47206The little girl expects no declaration of tenderness from her doll. 47207She loves it -- and that's all. It is thus that we should love. 47208 -- DeGourmont 47209% 47210The little pieces of my life I give to you, 47211with love, to make a quilt to keep away the cold. 47212% 47213The little town that time forgot, 47214Where all the women are strong, 47215The men are good-looking, 47216And the children above-average. 47217 -- Prairie Home Companion 47218% 47219The local minister noticed a little girl standing outside of his 47220door with a basket of kittens. 47221 "Hello, little girl, what do you have there?" 47222 "These are my Democratic kittens," she replied. 47223Amused, the pastor said nothing. Two weeks later he saw the same little 47224girl with (apparently) the same basket of kittens. 47225 "My, I see you still have your Democratic kittens.", he said. 47226 "No, you see, these are Republican kittens," she answered. 47227 "Two weeks ago they were Democratic kittens," he replied, puzzled. 47228 "Two weeks ago they had their eyes closed." 47229% 47230The `loner' may be respected, but he is always resented by his colleagues, 47231for he seems to be passing a critical judgment on them, when he may be 47232simply making a limiting statement about himself. 47233 -- Sidney Harris 47234% 47235The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself. 47236 -- Henry Kissinger 47237% 47238The longer the title, the less important the job. 47239% 47240The longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate. 47241 -- Marcus Terentius Varro 47242% 47243The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as 47244we could with both of them. 47245 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" 47246% 47247The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. 47248Indian Giver be the name of the Lord. 47249% 47250The Lord prefers common-looking people. That is the reason that He makes 47251so many of them. 47252 -- Abraham Lincoln 47253% 47254The louder he talked of his honour, the faster we counted our spoons. 47255 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 47256% 47257The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of 47258the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe now stacking wood at 47259her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of the poetic and heroic 47260Handsomas roared, "Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you'll feel my 47261steel through your last meal!" 47262 -- Winning sentence, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest 47263% 47264The luck that is ordained for you will be coveted by others. 47265% 47266The lunatic, the lover, and the poet, 47267Are of imagination all compact... 47268 -- William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer Night's Dream" 47269% 47270The Macintosh is Xerox technology at its best. 47271% 47272The magic of our first love is our ignorance that it can ever end. 47273 -- Benjamin Disraeli 47274% 47275The main problem I have with cats is, they're not dogs. 47276 -- Kevin Cowherd 47277% 47278The major advances in civilization are processes 47279that all but wreck the societies in which they occur. 47280 -- A. N. Whitehead 47281% 47282The major difference between bonds and bond traders is that the 47283bonds will eventually mature. 47284% 47285The major sin is the sin of being born. 47286 -- Samuel Beckett 47287% 47288The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutan trying to play 47289the violin. 47290 -- Honore de Balzac 47291% 47292The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time. 47293The terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of 47294consistency. 47295 -- Albert Einstein 47296% 47297The makers may make 47298and the users may use, 47299but the fixers must fix 47300with but minimal clues 47301% 47302The man she had was kind and clean 47303And well enough for every day, 47304But oh, dear friends, you should have seen 47305The one that got away. 47306 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Fisherwoman" 47307% 47308The Man Who Almost Invented The Vacuum Cleaner 47309 The man officially credited with inventing the vacuum cleaner is 47310Hubert Cecil Booth. However, he got the idea from a man who almost 47311invented it. 47312 In 1901 Booth visited a London music-hall. On the bill was an 47313American inventor with his wonder machine for removing dust from carpets. 47314 The machine comprised a box about one foot square with a bag on top. 47315After watching the act -- which made everyone in the front six rows sneeze 47316-- Booth went round to the inventor's dressing room. 47317 "It should suck not blow," said Booth, coming straight to the 47318point. "Suck?", exclaimed the enraged inventor. "Your machine just moves 47319the dust around the room," Booth informed him. "Suck? Suck? Sucking is 47320not possible," was the inventor's reply and he stormed out. Booth proved 47321that it was by the simple expedient of kneeling down, pursing his lips and 47322sucking the back of an armchair. "I almost choked," he said afterwards. 47323 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 47324% 47325The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the 47326crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no 47327one has ever been. 47328 -- Alan Ashley-Pitt 47329% 47330The man who has never been flogged has never been taught. 47331 -- Menander 47332% 47333The man who laughs has not yet been told the terrible news. 47334 -- Bertolt Brecht 47335% 47336The man who raises a fist has run out of ideas. 47337 -- H. G. Wells, "Time After Time" 47338% 47339The man who runs may fight again. 47340 -- Menander 47341% 47342The man who sees, on New Year's day, Mount 47343Fuji, a hawk, and an eggplant is forever blessed. 47344 -- Old Japanese proverb 47345% 47346The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that 47347will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful. 47348 -- Mark Twain 47349% 47350The man who understands one woman is 47351qualified to understand pretty well everything. 47352 -- Yeats 47353% 47354The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President. All he has 47355to do is get up every morning and say, "How's the President?" 47356 -- Will Rogers 47357 47358The vice-presidency ain't worth a pitcher of warm spit. 47359 -- Vice President John Nance Garner 47360% 47361The Marines: 47362 The few, the proud, the dead on the beach. 47363% 47364The Marines: 47365 The few, the proud, the not very bright. 47366% 47367The mark of a good party is that you wake up the next morning 47368wanting to change your name and start a new life in different city. 47369 -- Vance Bourjaily, "Esquire" 47370% 47371The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, 47372while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one. 47373 -- Wilhelm Stekel 47374% 47375The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice 47376and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the 47377master calls a butterfly. 47378 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul 47379% 47380The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of 47381husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism 47382are one, and that one is Marxism. 47383 -- Heidi Hartmann, 47384 "The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism" 47385% 47386The Martian Canals were clearly the Martian's last ditch effort! 47387% 47388The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a 47389soda can, which, when discarded will last forever -- and a $7,000 car 47390which, when properly cared for, will rust out in two or three years. 47391% 47392The mate for beauty should be a man and not a money chest. 47393 -- Bulwer 47394% 47395The mature Bohemian is one whose woman works full time. 47396% 47397The means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers, 47398always end up on their ends without any means. 47399 -- Saul Alinsky 47400% 47401The meat is rotten, but the booze is holding out. 47402Computer translation of "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." 47403% 47404The meek don't want it. 47405% 47406The meek inherit the earth -- usually in small sections... about 6 by 3. 47407% 47408The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse. 47409% 47410The meek shall inherit the earth; but by that 47411time there won't be anything left worth inheriting. 47412% 47413The meek shall inherit the earth, but *not* its mineral rights. 47414 -- J. P. Getty 47415% 47416The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us, the Universe. 47417% 47418The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us will go to the stars. 47419% 47420The meek shall inherit the Earth. 47421(But they're gonna have to fight for it.) 47422% 47423The meek will inherit the earth -- if that's OK with you. 47424% 47425The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two 47426chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed. 47427 -- Carl G. Jung 47428% 47429[The members of the Chamberlain government] are decided only to be 47430undecided, resolved to be irresolute, adamant for drift, all-powerful 47431for impotency. 47432 -- Winston Churchill 47433% 47434The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the klutz said, 47435 "Life is like a bowl of sour cream." 47436 "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?" 47437 "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?" 47438% 47439The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to 47440devise and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation. 47441 -- Lew Mammel, Jr. 47442% 47443The Microsoft Exchange MTA Stacks service depends on the Microsoft Exchange 47444System Attendant service which failed to start because of the following 47445error: 47446 47447The operation completed successfully. 47448 47449For more information, see Help and Support Center at 47450http://go.microsoft.com/fwlink/events.asp. 47451% 47452The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't. 47453% 47454The mirror sees the man as beautiful, the mirror loves the man; another 47455mirror sees the man as frightful and hates him; and it is always the same 47456being who produces the impressions. 47457 -- Marquis D. A. F. de Sade 47458% 47459The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might 47460be general systems laws. For example, Frank Harary once suggested the 47461law that any field that had the word "science" in its name was 47462guaranteed thereby not to be a science. He would cite as examples 47463Military Science, Library Science, Political Science, Homemaking 47464Science, Social Science, and Computer Science. Discuss the generality 47465of this law, and possible reasons for its predictive power. 47466 -- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems 47467 Thinking" 47468% 47469The Modelski Chain Rule: 474701: Look intently at the problem for several minutes. Scratch your 47471 head at 20-30 second intervals. Try solving the problem on your 47472 Hewlett-Packard. 474732: Failing this, look around at the class. Select a particularly 47474 bright-looking individual. 474753: Procure a large chain. 474764: Walk over to the selected student and threaten to beat him severely 47477 with the chain unless he gives you the answer to the problem. 47478 Generally, he will. It may also be a good idea to give him a sound 47479 thrashing anyway, just to show you mean business. 47480% 47481The modern child will answer you back before you've said anything. 47482 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter 47483% 47484"The molars, I'm sure, will be all right, the molars can take care of 47485themselves," the old man said, no longer to me. "But what will become 47486of the bicuspids?" 47487 -- The Old Man and his Bridge 47488% 47489The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me. 47490 -- Nicol Williamson 47491% 47492The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader. 47493% 47494The moon is made of green cheese. 47495 -- John Heywood 47496% 47497The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away. 47498% 47499The Moral Majority is neither. 47500% 47501The more control, the more that requires control. 47502% 47503The more cordial the buyers secretary, the greater 47504the odds that the competition already has the order. 47505% 47506The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. 47507% 47508The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the 47509lower the mailing cost. 47510 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 47511% 47512The more I know men the more I like my horse. 47513% 47514The more I see of men the more I admire dogs. 47515 -- Mme De Sevigne (1626-1696) 47516% 47517The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work. 47518 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions" 47519% 47520The more laws and order are made prominent, 47521the more thieves and robbers there will be. 47522 -- Lao Tsu 47523% 47524The more the merrier. 47525 -- John Heywood 47526% 47527The more they over-think the plumbing 47528the easier it is to stop up the drain. 47529% 47530The more things change, the more they remain the same. 47531 -- Alphonse Karr 47532% 47533The more things change, the more they stay insane. 47534% 47535The more things change, the more they'll never be the same again. 47536% 47537The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us 47538is right. 47539% 47540The more you complain, the longer God lets you live. 47541% 47542The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war. 47543% 47544The Moscow Evening News advertised a contest for the best political joke. 47545First prize was ten years in prison; second prize, five years; third prize, 47546three years; and there were six honorable mentions of one year each. 47547% 47548The mosquito exists to keep the mighty humble. 47549% 47550The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey. 47551 -- Andy Warhol 47552% 47553The moss on the tree does not fear the talons of the hawk. 47554% 47555The most advantageous, pre-eminent thing thou canst do is not to 47556exhibit nor display thyself within the limits of our galaxy, but 47557rather depart instantaneously whence thou even now standest and 47558flee to yet another rotten planet in the universe, if thou canst 47559have the good fortune to find one. 47560 -- Carlyle 47561% 47562The most common given name in the world is Mohammad; the most common 47563family name in the world is Chang. Can you imagine the enormous number 47564of people in the world named Mohammad Chang? 47565 -- Derek Wills 47566% 47567The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately 47568in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind. 47569 -- H. L. Mencken 47570% 47571The most dangerous food is wedding cake. 47572 -- American proverb 47573% 47574The most dangerous organization in America today is: 47575 47576 a) The KKK 47577 b) The American Nazi Party 47578 c) The Delta Frequent Flyer Club 47579% 47580The most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in 47581the country is the one on which you resell it. 47582 -- J. Brecheux 47583% 47584The most difficult thing about surviving AIDS 47585is trying to convince your parents that you're Haitian. 47586% 47587The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and 47588to watch someone else do it wrong without comment. 47589 -- Theodore H. White 47590% 47591The most difficult years of marriage are those following the wedding. 47592% 47593The most disagreeable thing that your worst enemy says to your face does 47594not approach what your best friends say behind your back. 47595 -- Alfred De Musset 47596% 47597The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new 47598discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..." 47599 -- Isaac Asimov 47600% 47601The most exquisite peak in culinary art is conquered when you do right by a 47602ham, for a ham, in the very nature of the process it has undergone since last 47603it walked on its own feet, combines in its flavor the tang of smoky autumnal 47604woods, the maternal softness of earthy fields delivered of their crop children, 47605the wineyness of a late sun, the intimate kiss of fertilizing rain, and the 47606bite of fire. You must slice it thin, almost as thin as this page you hold 47607in your hands. The making of a ham dinner, like the making of a gentleman, 47608starts a long, long time before the event. 47609 -- W. B. Courtney, "Reflections of Maryland Country Ham", 47610 from "Congress Eate It Up" 47611% 47612...the most exquisitely squalid hells known to middle-class man: 47613freshman English at a Midwestern university. 47614 -- Tom Wolfe 47615% 47616The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union 47617of a deaf man to a blind woman. 47618 -- Samuel T. Coleridge 47619% 47620The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise. 47621% 47622The most important early product on the way 47623to developing a good product is an imperfect version. 47624% 47625The most important service rendered by the press is that of educating 47626people to approach printed matter with distrust. 47627% 47628The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman 47629is that one of them be good at taking orders. 47630 -- Linda Festa 47631% 47632The most important things, each person must do for himself. 47633% 47634The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money. 47635 -- Joey Adams, "Cindy and I" 47636% 47637The most recent attempt to revive the moribund campus left, a national 47638conference held at Rutgers University February 5-7, ended when the 47639participants decided that they were too racist to found a new national 47640organization. 47641 The stated goal of the conference was the formation of a national 47642organization that would "give expression to a shared consciousness." The 47643orientation materials declared that this was "a historic moment" -- you 47644know, like Port Huron and the Sixties -- and the Rutgers host committee had 47645every reason to expect their goal would be accomplished. 47646 But it was not to be. Given that this was a conference of *New* 47647New Leftists, reason had nothing to do with it. 47648 A revealing article by Vania del Borgo and Maria Margaronis in "The 47649Nation", ["Beyond the Fragments," 3/26/88] says "The defining moment of the 47650weekend came when the conference was almost at its end. On Sunday morning, 47651a twenty-five-member students of color caucus confronted the assembled body 47652with its overwhelming whiteness..." Joined by the Gay & Bisexual Caucus, the 47653Students of Color Caucus declared that the founding of such an overwhelmingly 47654white organization would itself constitute a racist act. The four hundred or 47655so leftist activists were told that they had no right to ratify a constitution 47656or elect any officers. While recognizing "the need to examine the real 47657possibilities of a broad-based, racially diverse student movement" and paying 47658lip service to the need for "dialogue," they threatened to walk out if their 47659demands were not met. As *The Nation* article describes the scene: "To their 47660astonishment, their intervention was greeted with a standing ovation." Handed 47661an ultimatum which demanded that they disband, this would-be successor to the 47662radical student movements of the Sixties promptly voted itself out of 47663existence. As del Borgo and Margaronis put it, "After much chaotic discussion 47664and a confused voice vote, the convention suspended all its other work and 47665broke into regional groups to discuss `outreach.'" 47666 -- Libertarian Agenda, May 1988 47667% 47668The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she 47669served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never 47670been found. 47671 -- Calvin Trillin 47672% 47673The most serious doubt that has been thrown on the authenticity of the 47674biblical miracles is the fact that most of the witnesses in regard to 47675them were fishermen. 47676 -- Arthur Binstead 47677% 47678The Most Unsuccessful Version Of The Bible 47679 The most exciting version of the Bible was printed in 1631 by Robert 47680Barker and Martin Lucas, the King's printers at London. It contained 47681several mistakes, but one was inspired -- the word "not" was omitted from 47682the Seventh Commandment and enjoined its readers, on the highest authority, 47683to commit adultery. 47684 Fearing the popularity with which this might be received in remote 47685country districts, King Charles I called all 1,000 copies back in and fined 47686the printers L3,000. 47687 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 47688% 47689The most winning woman I ever knew was hanged for poisoning three little 47690children for their insurance money. 47691 -- Sherlock Holmes 47692% 47693The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on. 47694% 47695The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ, 47696 Moves on: nor all they Piety nor Wit 47697Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line, 47698 Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it. 47699% 47700The myth of romantic love holds that once you've fallen in love with the 47701perfect partner, you're home free. Unfortunately, falling out of love 47702seems to be just as involuntary as falling into it. 47703% 47704The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt. 47705 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost" 47706% 47707The nation that controls magnetism controls the universe. 47708 -- Chester Gould/Dick Tracy 47709% 47710The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in 477111986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert. 47712 -- David Letterman 47713% 47714The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says: 47715 Support your right to bare arms! 47716% 47717The nearer to the church, the further from God. 47718 -- John Heywood 47719% 47720The Net interprets censorship as damage and routes around it. 47721 -- John Gilmore 47722% 47723The net is like a vast sea of lutefisk with tiny dinosaur brains embedded 47724in it here and there. Any given spoonful will likely have an IQ of 1, but 47725occasional spoonfuls may have an IQ more than six times that! 47726 -- James "Kibo" Parry 47727% 47728The net of law is spread so wide, 47729No sinner from its sweep may hide. 47730Its meshes are so fine and strong, 47731They take in every child of wrong. 47732O wondrous web of mystery! 47733Big fish alone escape from thee! 47734 -- James Jeffrey Roche 47735% 47736The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around. 47737I hope I don't get run over again. 47738% 47739The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 47740doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. 47741% 47742THE NEW RIGHT: 47743 A javelin team that elects to receive. 47744% 47745The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory, 47746in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system. 47747 47748 But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay: for 47749 whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil. 47750 -- Matthew 5:37 47751% 47752The New York Times is read by the people who run the country. The 47753Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country. 47754The National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive 47755and running the country ... 47756 -- Robert J. Woodhead 47757% 47758The next person to mention spaghetti stacks 47759to me is going to have his head knocked off. 47760 -- Bill Conrad 47761% 47762The next thing I say to you will be true. 47763The last thing I said was false. 47764% 47765The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people. 47766 -- Lucille S. Harper 47767% 47768The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to 47769choose from. 47770 -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum 47771% 47772The nicest thing about the Alto is that it doesn't run faster at night. 47773% 47774The night passes quickly when you're asleep 47775But I'm out shufflin' for something to eat 47776... 47777Breakfast at the Egg House, 47778Like the waffle on the griddle, 47779I'm burnt around the edges, 47780But I'm tender in the middle. 47781 -- Adrian Belew 47782% 47783The notes blatted skyward as the rose over the Canada geese, feathered 47784rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically pedaling unseen 47785bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by cruel Nature's maxim, 47786'Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,' and at last I knew Pittsburgh. 47787 -- Winning sentence, 1987 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest 47788% 47789The notion of a "record" is an obsolete remnant of the days of the 4779080-column card. 47791 -- Dennis M. Ritchie 47792% 47793The notion that the church, the press, and the universities should 47794serve the state is essentially a Communist notion ... In a free society 47795these institutions must be wholly free -- which is to say that their 47796function is to serve as checks upon the state. 47797 -- Alan Barth 47798% 47799The number of arguments is unimportant unless some of them are 47800correct. 47801 -- Ralph Hartley 47802% 47803The number of computer scientists in a room is inversely 47804proportional to the number of bugs in their code. 47805% 47806The number of feet in a yard is directly proportional to the success 47807of the barbecue. 47808% 47809The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine 47810increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice. 47811% 47812The number of UNIX installations has grown to 10, with more expected. 47813 -- The Unix Programmer's Manual, 2nd Edition, June 1972 47814% 47815The NY Times is read by the people who run the country. The Washington Post 47816is read by the people who think they run the country. The National Enquirer 47817is read by the people who think Elvis is alive and running the country. 47818 -- Robert Woodhead 47819% 47820The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly 47821analyze all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their 47822occurrence, have answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve 47823these problems when called upon. 47824 47825However, when you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to 47826remind yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp. 47827% 47828The odds are a million to one against your being one in a million. 47829% 47830The Official Colorado State Vegetable is now the "state legislator". 47831% 47832The Official MBA Handbook on business cards: 47833 Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the Realm, 47834Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director of Corporate 47835Planning." 47836% 47837The Official MBA Handbook on doing company business on an airplane: 47838 47839 Do not work openly on top-secret company cost documents unless 47840 you have previously ascertained that the passenger next to you 47841 is blind, a rock musician on mood-ameliorating drugs, or the 47842 unfortunate possessor of a forty-seventh chromosome. 47843% 47844The Official MBA Handbook on the use of sunlamps: 47845 47846 Use a sunlamp only on weekends. That way, if the office wise guy 47847 remarks on the sudden appearance of your tan, you can fabricate 47848 some story about a sun-stroked weekend at some island Shangri-La 47849 like Caneel Bay. Nothing is more transparent than leaving the 47850 office at 11:45 on a Tuesday night, only to return an Aztec sun 47851 god at 8:15 the next morning. 47852% 47853The old complaint that mass culture is designed for eleven-year-olds 47854is of course a shameful canard. The key age has traditionally been 47855more like fourteen. 47856 -- Robert Christgau, "Esquire" 47857% 47858The old man had lived all his life in a little house on the Vermont side of the 47859New Hampshire-Vermont border. One day, the surveyors came to inform him that 47860they had just discovered that he lived in New Hampshire, not Vermont. 47861 "Thank heavens!" was his heartfelt reply. "I don't think I could have 47862taken another one of those damned Vermont winters!" 47863% 47864THE OLD POOL SHOOTER had won many a game in his life. But now it was time 47865to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing to the 47866floor. 47867 47868"Sorry," he said with a smile. 47869 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 47870% 47871The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy. 47872% 47873The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. Let the reader 47874catch his own breath. 47875 -- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart 47876% 47877The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age 47878brings wisdom. 47879 -- H. L. Mencken 47880% 47881The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a necessity. 47882 -- Oscar Wilde 47883% 47884The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when 47885to cringe. 47886% 47887The one L lama, he's a priest 47888The two L llama, he's a beast 47889And I will bet my silk pyjama 47890There isn't any three L lllama. 47891 -- Ogden Nash, to which a fire chief replied that occasionally 47892 his department responded to something like a "three L lllama." 47893% 47894The One Page Principle: 47895 A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch paper 47896 cannot be understood. 47897 -- Mark Ardis 47898% 47899The one sure way to make a lazy man look 47900respectable is to put a fishing rod in his hand. 47901% 47902The only alliance I would make with the Women's Liberation Movement is in bed. 47903 -- Abbey Hoffman 47904% 47905The only certainty is that nothing is certain. 47906 -- Pliny the Elder 47907% 47908The only constant is change. 47909% 47910The only cultural advantage LA has over NY is that you can make a 47911right turn on a red light. 47912 -- Woody Allen 47913% 47914The only difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman is 47915that the car salesman knows he's lying. 47916% 47917The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions. 47918% 47919The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that 47920every saint has a past and every sinner has a future. 47921 -- Oscar Wilde 47922% 47923The only difference in the game of love over the last few 47924thousand years is that they've changed trumps from clubs to diamonds. 47925 -- The Indianapolis Star 47926% 47927The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look 47928respectable. 47929 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 47930% 47931The only happiness lies in reason; all the rest of the world is dismal. 47932The highest reason, however, I see in the work of the artist, and he may 47933experience it as such. Happiness lies in the swiftness of feeling and 47934thinking: all the rest of the world is slow, gradual and stupid. Whoever 47935could feel the course of a light ray would be very happy, for it is very 47936swift. Thinking of oneself gives little happiness. If, however, one feels 47937much happiness in this, it is because at bottom one is not thinking of 47938oneself but of one's ideal. This is far, and only the swift shall reach 47939it and are delighted. 47940 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 47941% 47942The only "ism" Hollywood believes in is plagiarism. 47943 -- Dorothy Parker 47944% 47945The only justification for our concepts and systems of concepts is 47946that they serve to represent the complex of our experiences; 47947beyond this they have no legitimacy. 47948 -- Albert Einstein 47949% 47950The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away 47951is your husband. 47952% 47953The only people for me are the mad ones -- the ones who are mad to live, 47954mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, 47955the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn 47956like fabulous yellow Roman candles. 47957 -- Jack Kerouac, "On the Road" 47958% 47959The only people who make love all the time are liars. 47960 -- Louis Jordan 47961% 47962The only perfect science is hind-sight. 47963% 47964The only person who always got his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe. 47965% 47966The only possible interpretation of any research whatever in the 47967"social sciences" is: some do, some don't. 47968 -- Ernest Rutherford 47969% 47970The only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can never stop 47971and take a rest. 47972% 47973The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane. 47974 -- Phaedrus 47975% 47976The only promotion rules I can think of are that a sense of shame is to 47977be avoided at all costs and there is never any reason for a hustler to 47978be less cunning than more virtuous men. Oh yes ... whenever you think 47979you've got something really great, add ten per cent more. 47980 -- Bill Veeck 47981% 47982The only qualities for real success in journalism are ratlike cunning, a 47983plausible manner and a little literary ability. The capacity to steal 47984other people's ideas and phrases ... is also invaluable. 47985 -- Nicolas Tomalin, "Stop the Press, I Want to Get On" 47986% 47987The only real advantage to punk music is that nobody can whistle it. 47988% 47989The only real argument for marriage is that it remains the best method 47990for getting acquainted. 47991 -- Heywood Broun 47992% 47993The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon. 47994 -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and 47995 Over and Over" 47996% 47997The only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it. 47998% 47999The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber 48000has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, 48001finished, and put inside boxes. 48002 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 48003% 48004The only really masterful noise a man makes in a house is the noise 48005of his key, when he is still on the landing, fumbling for the lock. 48006 -- Colette 48007% 48008The only reward of virtue is virtue. 48009 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 48010% 48011The only rose without thorns is friendship. 48012% 48013The only thing better than love is milk. 48014% 48015The only thing cheaper than hardware is talk. 48016% 48017The only thing that experience teaches us is that experience teaches 48018us nothing. 48019 -- Andre Maurois (Emile Herzog) 48020% 48021The only thing that stops God from sending a second Flood is that 48022the first one was useless. 48023 -- Nicolas Chamfort 48024% 48025The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any 48026use to oneself. 48027 -- Oscar Wilde 48028% 48029The only thing we learn from history is that we do not learn. 48030 -- Earl Warren 48031 48032That men do not learn very much from history is the most important of all 48033the lessons that history has to teach. 48034 -- Aldous Huxley 48035 48036We learn from history that we do not learn from history. 48037 -- Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel 48038 48039HISTORY: Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we learn 48040nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from what happened 48041this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long view. 48042 -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab" 48043% 48044The only thing we learn from history is that we learn nothing from 48045history. 48046 -- Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel 48047 48048I know guys can't learn from yesterday ... Hegel must be taking the 48049long view. 48050 -- John Brunner, "Stand on Zanzibar" 48051% 48052The only thing which separates man from child is all the values 48053he has lost over the years. 48054 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 48055% 48056The only time a dog gets complimented is when he doesn't do anything. 48057 -- C. Schultz 48058% 48059The only two things that motivate me and that matter to me are revenge 48060and guilt. 48061 -- Elvis Costello 48062% 48063The only way to amuse some people 48064is to slip and fall on an icy pavement. 48065% 48066The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. 48067 -- Oscar Wilde 48068% 48069The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, 48070drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not. 48071 -- Mark Twain 48072% 48073The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky. 48074 -- David Gerrold 48075% 48076The onset and the waning of love make themselves felt 48077in the uneasiness experienced at being alone together. 48078 -- Jean de la Bruyere 48079% 48080The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up 48081until 5 or 6 PM. 48082% 48083The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite 48084of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. 48085 -- Niels Bohr 48086% 48087The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. 48088 -- Niels Bohr 48089% 48090The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is 48091waiting. 48092 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 48093% 48094The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds, 48095and the pessimist knows it. 48096 -- J. Robert Oppenheimer, "Bulletin of Atomic Scientists" 48097 48098Yet creeds mean very little, Coth answered the dark god, still speaking 48099almost gently. The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all 48100possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true. 48101 -- James Cabell, "The Silver Stallion" 48102% 48103The optimum committee has no members. 48104 -- Norman Augustine 48105% 48106The opulence of the front office door varies 48107inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm. 48108% 48109The orders come down and they march us away. 48110There's a battle outside and we join in the fray. 48111God, it's hell when you know this could be your last day, 48112But it's better than working for Xerox. 48113 -- Frank Hayes, "Don't Ask" 48114% 48115The other day I put instant coffee in my microwave oven ... I almost 48116went back in time. 48117 -- Steven Wright 48118% 48119The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me. 48120 -- Steven Wright 48121% 48122The other line moves faster. 48123% 48124The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France on 48125a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance 48126with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke French and he only spoke 48127English, so each couldn't understand a word the other spoke. He took out a 48128pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a coach. She smiled, nodded her 48129head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a 48130table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to 48131dinner. After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They 48132went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious 48133evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew 48134a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and to this day has 48135never been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business. 48136% 48137The part of the world that people find most puzzling is the part called "Me". 48138% 48139The party adjourned to a hot tub, yes. Fully clothed, I might add. 48140 -- IBM employee, testifying in California State Supreme Court 48141% 48142The passionate young thing was having a difficult time getting across what 48143she wanted from her rather dense boyfriend. Finally she asked, 48144 "Would you like to see where I was operated on for appendicitis?" 48145 "Gosh, no!" he replied. "I hate hospitals." 48146% 48147The past always looks better than it was. 48148It's only pleasant because it isn't here. 48149 -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley) 48150% 48151The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it 48152were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence. 48153 -- H. L. Mencken 48154% 48155The people sensible enough to give 48156good advice are usually sensible enough to give none. 48157% 48158The perfect friend sees the best in you -- sees it constantly -- 48159not just when you occasionally are that way, but also when you 48160waver, when you forget yourself, act like less than you are. 48161In time, you become more like his vision of you -- which is the 48162person you have always wanted to be. 48163 -- Nancy Friday 48164% 48165The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 A.M. 48166 -- Charles Pierce 48167% 48168The perfect man is the true partner. Not a bed partner nor a fun partner, 48169but a man who will shoulder burdens equally with [you] and possess that 48170quality of joy. 48171 -- Erica Jong 48172% 48173The person who can smile when something 48174goes wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. 48175% 48176The person who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything. 48177% 48178The person who marries for money usually earns every penny of it. 48179% 48180The person who's taking you to lunch has no intention of paying. 48181% 48182The person you rejected yesterday could make you happy, if you say yes. 48183% 48184The personal computer market is about the same size as the total potato chip 48185market. Next year it will be about half the size of the pet food market and 48186is fast approaching the total worldwide sales of pantyhose" 48187 -- James Finke, Commodore Int'l Ltd., 1982 48188% 48189The philosopher's treatment of a question 48190is like the treatment of an illness. 48191 -- Wittgenstein 48192% 48193The Phone Booth Rule: 48194 A lone dime always gets the number nearly right. 48195% 48196The Pig, if I am not mistaken, 48197Gives us ham and pork and Bacon. 48198Let others think his heart is big, 48199I think it stupid of the Pig. 48200 -- Ogden Nash 48201% 48202The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter 48203swang and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the 48204batter connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The 48205center fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute 48206his eyes were blound by the sun and he dropped it. 48207 -- Dizzy Dean 48208% 48209The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose. 48210 -- David Lardner 48211% 48212The plural of spouse is spice. 48213% 48214The Poems, all three hundred of them, 48215may be summed up in one of their phrases: 48216"Let our thoughts be correct". 48217 -- Confucius 48218% 48219The Poet Whose Badness Saved His Life 48220 The most important poet in the seventeenth century was George 48221Wither. Alexander Pope called him "wretched Wither" and Dryden said of his 48222verse that "if they rhymed and rattled all was well". 48223 In our own time, "The Dictionary of National Biography" notes that his 48224work "is mainly remarkable for its mass, fluidity and flatness. It usually 48225lacks any genuine literary quality and often sinks into imbecile doggerel". 48226 High praise, indeed, and it may tempt you to savour a typically 48227rewarding stanza: It is taken from "I loved a lass" and is concerned with 48228the higher emotions. 48229 She would me "Honey" call, 48230 She'd -- O she'd kiss me too. 48231 But now alas! She's left me 48232 Falero, lero, loo. 48233 Among other details of his mistress which he chose to immortalize 48234was her prudent choice of footwear. 48235 The fives did fit her shoe. 48236 In 1639 the great poet's life was endangered after his capture by 48237the Royalists during the English Civil War. When Sir John Denham, the 48238Royalist poet, heard of Wither's imminent execution, he went to the King and 48239begged that his life be spared. When asked his reason, Sir John replied, 48240"Because that so long as Wither lived, Denham would not be accounted the 48241worst poet in England." 48242 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 48243% 48244The poetry of heroism appeals irresistibly to those who don't go to a war, 48245and even more so to those whom the war is making enormously wealthy." 48246 -- Celine 48247% 48248The point is, you see, that there is no point in driving yourself mad 48249trying to stop yourself going mad. You might just as well give in and 48250save your sanity for later. 48251% 48252The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish 48253to be addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified. But it 48254is equally important to accept and tolerate different standards of 48255courtesy, not expecting everyone else to adapt to one's own 48256preferences. Only then can we hope to restore the insult to its proper 48257social function of expressing true distaste. 48258 -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to 48259 Excruciatingly Correct Behavior" 48260% 48261The politician is someone who deals in man's problems of adjustment. 48262To ask a politician to lead us is to ask the tail of a dog to lead the dog. 48263 -- Buckminster Fuller 48264% 48265The pollution's at that awkward stage. 48266Too thick to navigate and too thin to cultivate. 48267 -- Doug Sneyd 48268% 48269The porcupine with the sharpest quills gets stuck on a tree more often. 48270% 48271The possession of a book becomes a substitute for reading it. 48272 -- Anthony Burgess 48273% 48274The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor 48275prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, 48276or to the people. 48277 -- U.S. Constitution, Amendment 10. (Bill of Rights) 48278% 48279The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher, 48280 Were each of them once a kiddie. 48281A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature. 48282 Do I want one? God Forbiddie! 48283 -- Ogden Nash 48284% 48285The President publicly apologized today to all those offended by his 48286brother's remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than there is 48287Jews!". Those offended include Arabs, Jews, and English teachers. 48288 -- Baltimore, Channel 11 News, on Jimmy Carter 48289% 48290The prettiest women are almost always the most 48291boring, and that is why some people feel there is no God. 48292 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 48293% 48294The price of greatness is responsibility. 48295% 48296The price of seeking to force our beliefs on others is that someday 48297they might force their beliefs on us. 48298 -- Mario Cuomo 48299% 48300The price of success in philosophy is triviality. 48301 -- C. Glymour 48302% 48303The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate 48304knowledge of its ugly side. 48305 -- James Baldwin 48306% 48307The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired 48308warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by 48309changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped 48310marker. 48311 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 48312% 48313The primary function of the design engineer is to make things 48314difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman. 48315% 48316The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to 48317constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every 48318appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA 48319statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This 48320also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change. 48321 -- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers 48322% 48323The primary requisite for any new tax law is for it to exempt enough 48324voters to win the next election. 48325% 48326The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO" 48327represents the secondary theme: 48328 48329 Law Enforcement Officials 48330 48331The overall theme of SoupCon shall be: 48332 48333 Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials 48334 -- M. Gallaher 48335% 48336The probability of someone watching you is directly 48337proportional to the stupidity of your action. 48338% 48339The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the 48340stupidity of your action. 48341% 48342The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with. 48343Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil 48344using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle 48345Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats, 48346etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous 48347bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons. None 48348of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats 48349developed cancer. 48350 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" 48351% 48352The problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed, 48353a problem, but not the problem we thought was the problem. 48354 -- Mike Smith 48355% 48356The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go 48357to erase it. 48358 -- Glaser and Way 48359% 48360The problem with graduate students, in general, is that they have 48361to sleep every few days. 48362% 48363The problem with me is that I am fifty or one hundred years ahead of my 48364time. My speed is very fast. Some ministers have had to drop out of my 48365government because they could not keep up. 48366 -- Idi Amin Dada 48367% 48368The problem with most conspiracy theories is that they seem to believe that 48369for a group of people to behave in a way detrimental to the common good 48370requires intent. 48371% 48372The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can 48373be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues. 48374 -- Elizabeth Taylor 48375% 48376The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 48377% 48378The problem with this country is that there is no death penalty 48379for incompetence. 48380% 48381The problems of business administration in general, and database management in 48382particular are much too difficult for people that think in IBMese, compounded 48383with sloppy English. 48384 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 48385% 48386The profession of book writing makes horse racing seem like a solid, 48387stable business. 48388 -- John Steinbeck 48389% 48390The program isn't debugged until the last user is dead. 48391% 48392The proof of the pudding is in the eating. 48393 -- Miguel de Cervantes 48394% 48395The proof that IBM didn't invent the car is that it has a steering wheel 48396and an accelerator instead of spurs and ropes, to be compatible with a 48397horse. 48398 -- Jac Goudsmit 48399% 48400The propriety of some persons seems to consist in having improper 48401thoughts about their neighbours. 48402 -- F. H. Bradley 48403% 48404The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's 48405outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by 48406mistake since its colors are those of the London Reform Club. Once 48407tied around its victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims 48408the insurance before running off to Germany where it lives in hiding. 48409 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 48410% 48411The public demands certainties; it must be told definitely and a bit 48412raucously that this is true and that is false. But there are no 48413certainties. 48414 -- H. L. Mencken, "Prejudice" 48415% 48416The Public is merely a multiplied "me." 48417 -- Mark Twain 48418% 48419The Puritan hated bear-baiting, not because it gave pain to the bear, but 48420because it gave pleasure to the spectators. 48421 -- Thomas Macaulay, "History of England" 48422% 48423The purpose of Physics 7A is to make the engineers realize that they're 48424not perfect, and to make the rest of the people realize that they're not 48425engineers. 48426% 48427The qotc (quote of the con) was Liz's: 48428 "My brain is paged out to my liver" 48429% 48430The quality of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder. 48431% 48432The Queen is most anxious to enlist every one who can speak or write to 48433join in checking this mad, wicked folly of "Woman's Rights", with all its 48434attendant horrors, on which her poor feeble sex is bent, forgetting every 48435sense of womanly feeling and propriety. Lady-- ought to get a good 48436whipping. It is a subject which makes the Queen so furious that she cannot 48437contain herself. God created men and women different -- then let them 48438remain each in their own position. 48439 -- Letter to Sir Theodore Martin, 29 May 1870, from 48440 Queen Victoria 48441% 48442The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What is 48443it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television, 48444that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of 48445industrial waste? 48446 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics" 48447% 48448The questions remain the same. 48449The answers are eternally variable. 48450% 48451The Rabbits The Cow 48452Here is a verse about rabbits The cow is of the bovine ilk; 48453That doesn't mention their habits. One end is moo, the other, milk. 48454 -- Ogden Nash 48455% 48456The race is not always to the swift, nor the 48457battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet. 48458 -- Damon Runyon 48459% 48460The rain it raineth on the just 48461And also on the unjust fella: 48462But chiefly on the just, because 48463The unjust steals the just's umbrella. 48464 -- Lord Bowen 48465% 48466The Ranger isn't gonna like it, Yogi. 48467% 48468The rate at which a disease spreads through a corn field is a precise 48469measurement of the speed of blight. 48470% 48471The ratio of literacy to illiteracy is a constant, but nowadays the 48472illiterates can read. 48473 -- Alberto Moravia 48474% 48475The reader this message encounters not failing to understand is 48476cursed. 48477% 48478The real man's Bloody Mary: 48479 Ingredients: vodka, tomato juice, Tabasco, Worcestershire 48480 sauce, A-1 steak sauce, ice, salt, pepper, celery. 48481 48482 Fill a large tumbler with vodka. 48483 Throw all the other ingredients away. 48484% 48485The real problem with hunting elephants carrying the decoys. 48486% 48487The real purpose of books is to trap the mind into doing its own thinking. 48488 -- Christopher Morley 48489% 48490The real reason large families benefit society is because at least 48491a few of the children in the world shouldn't be raised by beginners. 48492% 48493The real reason psychology is hard is that 48494psychologists are trying to do the impossible. 48495% 48496The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music. 48497% 48498The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much. 48499% 48500The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose", 48501which is also sometimes called "grape sugar", and also because "Grape 48502Nuts" is catchier, in terms of marketing, than "A Cross Between Gerbil 48503Food and Gravel", which is what it tastes like. 48504 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" 48505% 48506The reason people sweat is so they won't catch fire when making love. 48507 -- Don Rose 48508% 48509The reason that every major university maintains a department of 48510mathematics is that it's cheaper than institutionalizing all those 48511people. 48512% 48513The reason they're called wisdom teeth 48514is that the experience makes you wise. 48515% 48516The reason we come up with new versions is not to fix bugs. It's 48517absolutely not. 48518 -- Bill Gates 48519% 48520The reason why worry kills more people 48521than work is that more people worry than work. 48522% 48523The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one 48524persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all 48525progress depends on the unreasonable man. 48526 -- George Bernard Shaw 48527% 48528The reasons that each of these countries has had to renege on its 48529financial commitments were all somewhat different: Argentina because of 48530a war, Poland because of its vast misguided overinvestment in heavy 48531industry, Honduras because the coffee price went sour, Zaire because 48532nobody in the government there has a clue as to how to run a country. 48533 -- Paul Erdman's Money Book 48534% 48535The relative importance of files depends on their cost 48536in terms of the human effort needed to regenerate them. 48537 -- T. A. Dolotta 48538% 48539The requirements of romantic love are difficult to satisfy in the trunk 48540of a Dodge Dart. 48541 -- Lisa Alther 48542% 48543The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher 48544Called a hen a most elegant creature. 48545 The hen, pleased with that, 48546 Laid an egg in his hat -- 48547And thus did the hen reward Beecher. 48548 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes 48549% 48550The reverse side also has a reverse side. 48551 -- Japanese proverb 48552% 48553The revolution will not be televised. 48554% 48555The reward for working hard is more hard work. 48556% 48557The reward of a thing well done is to have done it. 48558 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 48559% 48560The rhino is a homely beast, 48561For human eyes he's not a feast. 48562Farewell, farewell, you old rhinoceros, 48563I'll stare at something less prepoceros. 48564 -- Ogden Nash 48565% 48566The rich get rich, and the poor get poorer. 48567The haves get more, the have-nots die. 48568% 48569The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. 48570This means that only left handed people are in their right mind. 48571% 48572The Right Honorable Gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests 48573and to his imagination for his facts. 48574 -- Sheridan 48575% 48576The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be 48577taken seriously. 48578 -- Hubert H. Humphrey 48579% 48580The right to be let alone is indeed the beginning of all freedom. 48581 -- Justice Douglas 48582% 48583The right to revolt has sources deep in our history. 48584 -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas 48585% 48586The rights and interests of the laboring man will be protected and cared 48587for not by our labor agitators, but by the Christian men to whom God in his 48588infinite wisdom has given control of property interests of the country, and 48589upon the successful management of which so much remains. 48590 -- George F. Baer, railroad industrialist 48591% 48592The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the 48593House Un-American Activities Committee]. We will determine what rights 48594you have and what rights you have not got. 48595 -- J. Parnell Thomas 48596% 48597The ripest fruit falls first. 48598 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II" 48599% 48600The road to Hades is easy to travel. 48601 -- Bion 48602% 48603The road to hell is paved with good intentions. And littered with 48604sloppy analysis! 48605% 48606The road to hell is paved with NAND gates. 48607 -- J. Gooding 48608% 48609The road to ruin is always in good repair, 48610and the travellers pay the expense of it. 48611 -- Josh Billings 48612% 48613The Roman Rule 48614 The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the 48615 one who is doing it. 48616% 48617The root of all superstition is that men 48618observe when a thing hits, but not when it misses. 48619 -- Francis Bacon 48620% 48621The rose of yore is but a name, mere names are left to us. 48622% 48623The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in 48624his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on 48625one leg. The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't 48626take it too seriously. 48627 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 48628% 48629The rule is, jam to-morrow and jam yesterday, but never jam today. 48630 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865) 48631% 48632The rule on staying alive as a forecaster is to give 'em a number or 48633give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once. 48634 -- Jane Bryant Quinn 48635% 48636The rules are rather simple to understand: Under democracy you 48637can defend any view, but only defend it. You can not try to realize 48638it through power, violence or weapons. 48639 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 48640% 48641The rules: 48642 486431: Thou shalt not worship other computer systems. 486442: Thou shalt not impersonate Liberace or eat watermelon while sitting at 48645 the console keyboard. 486463: Thou shalt not slap users on the face, nor staple their silly little 48647 card decks together. 486484: Thou shalt not get physically involved with the computer system, 48649 especially if you're already married. 486505: Thou shalt not use magnetic tapes as Frisbees, nor use a disk pack as 48651 a stool to reach another disk pack. 486526: Thou shalt not stare at the blinking lights for more than one 8 hour 48653 shift. 486547: Thou shalt not tell users that you accidentally destroyed their 48655 files/backup just to see the look on their little faces. 486568: Thou shalt not enjoy canceling a job. 486579: Thou shalt not display firearms in the computer room. 4865810: Thou shalt not push buttons "just to see what happens". 48659% 48660The Russians have put a small ball up in the air. 48661That does not raise my apprehensions one iota. 48662 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower 48663% 48664The salary of the chief executive of the large corporation is not a market 48665award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal 48666gesture by the individual to himself. 48667 -- John Kenneth Galbraith, "Annals of an Abiding Liberal" 48668% 48669The San Diego Freeway. Official Parking Lot of the 1984 Olympics! 48670% 48671The savior becomes the victim. 48672% 48673The scene: in a vast, painted desert, a cowboy faces his horse. 48674 48675Cowboy: "Well, you've been a pretty good hoss, I guess. Hardworkin'. 48676Not the fastest critter I ever come acrost, but..." 48677 48678Horse: "No, stupid, not feed*back*. I said I wanted a feed*bag*. 48679% 48680"The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography" 48681% 48682The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100 48683showed that all had these things in common: 48684 48685 (1) They all had moderate appetites. 48686 (2) They all came from middle class homes. 48687 (3) All but two of them were dead. 48688% 48689The scum also rises. 48690 -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson 48691% 48692The search for the perfect martini is a fraud. The perfect martini is 48693a belt of gin from the bottle; anything else is the decadent trappings 48694of civilization. 48695 -- T. K. 48696% 48697The second best policy is dishonesty. 48698% 48699The Second Law of Thermodynamics: 48700 If you think things are in a mess now, just wait! 48701 -- Jim Warner 48702% 48703The secret of happiness is total disregard of everybody. 48704% 48705The secret of healthy hitchhiking is to eat junk food. 48706% 48707The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, 48708you've got it made. 48709 -- Jean Giraudoux 48710% 48711The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; 48712there is no humor in Heaven. 48713 -- Mark Twain 48714% 48715The sendmail configuration file is one of those files that looks like someone 48716beat their head on the keyboard. After working with it... I can see why! 48717 -- Harry Skelton 48718% 48719The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes, 48720respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven millstones 48721from Man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the 48722millstones are lifted. 48723 -- George Bernard Shaw 48724% 48725The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood as he 48726reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all. The Gray 48727Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in the palace 48728of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in twenty-five of 48729him are dead, he is alive. 48730 Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached 48731everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a fierce 48732host which out-numbers Lankhamar's inhabitants by fifty to one -- and 48733equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city." 48734 "How?" demanded Fafhrd. 48735 Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know." 48736 -- Fritz Leiber, "The Swords of Lankhmar" 48737% 48738The seven year itch comes from fooling around during the fourth, fifth, 48739and sixth years. 48740% 48741The sheep died in the wool. 48742% 48743The sheep that fly over your head are soon to land. 48744% 48745The shifts of Fortune test the reliability of friends. 48746 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero 48747% 48748The shortest distance between any two puns is a straight line. 48749% 48750The shortest distance between two points is under construction. 48751 -- Noelie Alito 48752% 48753The Shuttle is now going five times the sound of speed. 48754 -- Dan Rather, first landing of Columbia 48755% 48756The six great gifts of an Irish girl are beauty, soft 48757voice, sweet speech, wisdom, needlework, and chastity. 48758 -- Theodore Roosevelt, 1907 48759% 48760The Sixth Commandment of Frisbee: 48761 The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going 48762in a direction you did not want. (Goes the wrong way = Goes a long 48763way.) 48764 -- Dan Roddick 48765% 48766The sixth sheik's sixth sheep's sick. 48767 -- [just say that five times...] 48768% 48769The sky is blue so we know where to stop mowing. 48770 -- Judge Harold T. Stone 48771% 48772The smallest worm will turn being trodden on. 48773 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 48774% 48775The smiling Spring comes in rejoicing, 48776And surly Winter grimly flies. 48777Now crystal clear are the falling waters, 48778And bonnie blue are the sunny skies. 48779Fresh o'er the mountains breaks forth the morning, 48780The ev'ning gilds the oceans's swell: 48781All creatures joy in the sun's returning, 48782And I rejoice in my bonnie Bell. 48783 48784The flowery Spring leads sunny Summer, 48785The yellow Autumn presses near; 48786Then in his turn come gloomy Winter, 48787Till smiling Spring again appear. 48788Thus seasons dancing, life advancing, 48789Old Time and Nature their changes tell; 48790But never ranging, still unchanging, 48791I adore my bonnie Bell. 48792 -- Robert Burns, "My Bonnie Bell" 48793% 48794The so-called "desktop metaphor" of today's workstations is instead an 48795"airplane-seat" metaphor. Anyone who has shuffled a lap full of papers 48796while seated between two portly passengers will recognize the difference -- 48797one can see only a very few things at once. 48798 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr. 48799% 48800The so-called lessons of history are for the most part the 48801rationalizations of the victors. History is written by the survivors. 48802 -- Max Lerner 48803% 48804The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity and 48805tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity will 48806have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy... neither its pipes nor 48807its theories will hold water. 48808% 48809The soldier came knocking upon the queen's door 48810He said, "I am not fighting for you anymore" 48811The queen knew she had seen his face someplace before 48812And slowly she let him inside. 48813 48814He said, "I see you now, and you're so very young 48815But I've seen more battles lost than I have battles won 48816And I have this intuition that it's all for your fun 48817And now will you tell me why?" 48818 -- Suzanne Vega, "The Queen and The Soldier" 48819% 48820The solution of problems is the most characteristic 48821and peculiar sort of voluntary thinking. 48822 -- William James 48823% 48824The solution of this problem is trivial 48825and is left as an exercise for the reader. 48826% 48827The somewhat old and crusty vicar was taking a well-earned retirement from 48828his rather old and crusty parish. As is usual in these cases, a locum was 48829sent to cover the transition period. This particular man was young and 48830active, and had the strange notion that church should also be active and 48831exciting. As a consequence he was more than a little disappointed with the 48832dull and tradition-bound church. He decided to do something about it. 48833 For his first Sunday, he didn't wear the traditional robes and 48834vestments, but lead the service wearing a nice 2-piece suit. The congregation 48835was horrified! He changed the order of the service. The congregation was 48836horrified! Then came the children's lesson. 48837 For this he came out of the pulpit, and sat on the communion table. 48838The congregation was mortified! He sat there swinging his legs against 48839the table as the children gathered around him. 48840 He asked the children, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?" 48841 There was total silence. 48842 He asked again, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?" 48843 Total silence. 48844 Eventually, one timid youngster put up his hand and said, "Please, 48845sir, I know the answer is Jesus, but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me." 48846% 48847The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their money. 48848 -- Ed Bluestone, "The National Lampoon" 48849% 48850The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up! 48851% 48852The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be 48853able to correct them. 48854 -- Nicolaides 48855% 48856The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears. 48857% 48858The sounds of the nouns are mostly unbound. 48859In town a noun might wear a gown, 48860or further down, might dress a clown. 48861A noun that's sound would never clown, 48862but unsound nouns jump up and down. 48863The sound of a noun could disturb the plowing, 48864and then, my dear, you'd be put in the pound. 48865But please don't let that get you down, 48866the renown of your gown is the talk of the town. 48867 -- A. Nonnie Mouse 48868% 48869The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average Russian's 48870readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement of 48871some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet 48872reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led 48873the field for many years in both chess and ax murders. It is well 48874known that as early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at 48875Reykjavik would do to national prestige, implemented a vigorous program 48876of preparation and incentive. Every day for an entire year, a team of 48877psychologists, chess analysts and coaches met with the top three 48878Russian grand masters and threatened them with a pointy stick. That 48879these tactics proved fruitless is now a part of chess history and a 48880further testament to the American way, which provides that if you want 48881something badly enough, you can always go to Iceland and get it from 48882the Russians. 48883 -- Marshall Brickman, Playboy, April, 1973 48884% 48885The Soviet Union, which has complained recently about alleged anti-Soviet 48886themes in American advertising, lodged an official protest this week 48887against the Ford Motor Company's new campaign: "Hey you stinking, fat 48888Russian, get off my Ford Escort." 48889 -- Dennis Miller 48890% 48891The speed of anything depends on the flow of everything. 48892% 48893The spirit of Plato dies hard. We have been unable to escape the 48894philosophical tradition that what we can see and measure in the world 48895is merely the superficial and imperfect representation of an underlying 48896reality. 48897 -- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man" 48898% 48899The star of riches is shining upon you. 48900% 48901The startling truth finally became apparent, and it was this: Numbers 48902written on restaurant checks within the confines of restaurants do not 48903follow the same mathematical laws as numbers written on any other pieces 48904of paper in any other parts of the Universe. This single statement took 48905the scientific world by storm. So many mathematical conferences got held 48906in such good restaurants that many of the finest minds of a generation 48907died of obesity and heart failure, and the science of mathematics was put 48908back by years. 48909 -- Douglas Adams, "Life, The Universe and Everything" 48910% 48911The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub. 48912% 48913The state of innocence contains the germs of all future sin. 48914 -- Alexandre Arnoux, "Etudes et caprices" 48915% 48916The state that separates its scholars from its warriors will have its 48917thinking done by cowards, and its fighting by fools. 48918 48919 -- Thucydides 48920% 48921The steady state of disks is full. 48922 -- Ken Thompson 48923% 48924The story of the butterfly: 48925 "I was in Bogota and waiting for a lady friend. I was in love, 48926a long time ago. I waited three days. I was hungry but could not go 48927out for food, lest she come and I not be there to greet her. Then, on 48928the third day, I heard a knock." 48929 "I hurried along the old passage and there, in the sunlight, 48930there was nothing." 48931 "Just," Vance Joy said, "a butterfly, flying away." 48932 -- Peter Carey, BLISS 48933% 48934The story you are about to hear is true. 48935Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent. 48936% 48937The street preacher looked so baffled 48938When I asked him why he dressed 48939With forty pounds of headlines 48940Stapled to his chest. 48941But he cursed me when I proved to him 48942I said, "Not even you can hide. 48943You see, you're just like me. 48944I hope you're satisfied." 48945 -- Bob Dylan 48946% 48947The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make 48948them unsafe. 48949 -- Mayor Frank Rizzo 48950% 48951The streets were dark with something more than night. 48952 -- Raymond Chandler 48953% 48954The strong give up and move on, while the weak give up and stay. 48955% 48956The strong individual loves the earth so much he lusts for recurrence. He 48957can smile in the face of the most terrible thought: meaningless, aimless 48958existence recurring eternally. The second characteristic of such a man is 48959that he has the strength to recognize -- and to live with the recognition -- 48960that the world is valueless in itself and that all values are human ones. 48961He creates himself by fashioning his own values; he has the pride to live 48962by the values he wills. 48963 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 48964% 48965The student in question is performing minimally for his peer group and 48966is an emerging underachiever. 48967% 48968The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant 48969biology. 48970% 48971"The subspace _W inherits the other 8 properties of _V. And there aren't 48972even any property taxes." 48973 -- J. MacKay, Mathematics 134b 48974% 48975The sudden sight of me causes panic in the streets. They have 48976yet to learn - only the savage fears what he does not understand. 48977 -- The Silver Surfer 48978% 48979The sum of the intelligence of the world is constant. 48980The population is, of course, growing. 48981% 48982The sum of the Universe is zero. 48983% 48984The sun never sets on those who ride into it. 48985 -- RKO 48986% 48987The sun was shining on the sea, 48988Shining with all his might: 48989He did his very best to make 48990The billows smooth and bright -- 48991And this was very odd, because it was 48992The middle of the night. 48993 -- Lewis Carroll, 48994 "Through the Looking-Glass, 48995 and What Alice Found There" (1871) 48996% 48997The sunlights differ, but there is only one darkness. 48998 -- Ursula K. LeGuin, "The Dispossessed" 48999% 49000The superfluous is very necessary. 49001 -- Voltaire 49002% 49003The superior man understands what is right; 49004the inferior man understands what will sell. 49005 -- Confucius 49006% 49007The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling their 49008way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from the other, 49009whom he assumes to have perfect vision. Each tends to ascribe to the other 49010side a consistency, foresight and coherence that its own experience belies. 49011Of course, even two blind men can do enormous damage to each other, not to 49012speak of the room. 49013 -- Henry Kissinger 49014% 49015The Supreme Court does it with all deliberate speed. 49016% 49017The surest protection against temptation is cowardice. 49018 -- Mark Twain 49019% 49020The surest sign that a man is in love is when he divorces his wife. 49021% 49022The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher 49023esteem those who think alike than those who think differently. 49024 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 49025% 49026The surest way to remain a winner is to 49027win once, and then not play any more. 49028% 49029The sweeter the apple, the blacker the core -- 49030Scratch a lover and find a foe! 49031 -- Dorothy Parker, "Ballad of a Great Weariness" 49032% 49033The system was down for backups from 5am to 10am last Saturday. 49034% 49035The system will be down for 10 days for preventative maintenance. 49036% 49037The Tao doesn't take sides; 49038it gives birth to both wins and losses. 49039The Guru doesn't take sides; 49040she welcomes both hackers and lusers. 49041 49042The Tao is like a stack: 49043the data changes but not the structure. 49044the more you use it, the deeper it becomes; 49045the more you talk of it, the less you understand. 49046 49047Hold on to the root. 49048% 49049The Tao is like a glob pattern: 49050used but never used up. 49051It is like the extern void: 49052filled with infinite possibilities. 49053 49054It is masked but always present. 49055I don't know who built to it. 49056It came before the first kernel. 49057% 49058The tao that can be tar(1)ed 49059is not the entire Tao. 49060The path that can be specified 49061is not the Full Path. 49062 49063We declare the names 49064of all variables and functions. 49065Yet the Tao has no type specifier. 49066 49067Dynamically binding, you realize the magic. 49068Statically binding, you see only the hierarchy. 49069 49070Yet magic and hierarchy 49071arise from the same source, 49072and this source has a null pointer. 49073 49074Reference the NULL within NULL, 49075it is the gateway to all wizardry. 49076% 49077The technician should never forget that he is an artist, the 49078artist never that he is a technician. 49079 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 49080% 49081The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer 49082them a drink. 49083 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Interview" 49084% 49085The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed from available 49086data. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon 49087shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, 49088as the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much 49089radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition seven times seven (49) times 49090as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or fifty times in all. The light we 49091receive from the Moon is one ten-thousandth of the light we receive from the 49092Sun, so we can ignore that. With these data we can compute the temperature 49093of Heaven. The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where 49094the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation, 49095i.e., Heaven loses fifty times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using 49096the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute 49097temperature of the earth (~300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact 49098temperature of Hell cannot be computed, but it must be less than 444.6C, the 49099temperature at which brimstone or sulphur changes from a liquid to a gas. 49100Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their 49101part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten 49102brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 49103or 444.6C (Above this point it would be a vapor, not a lake.) We have, 49104then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C. 49105 -- "Applied Optics", vol. 11, A14, 1972 49106% 49107The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled 49108culinary vessel will not achieve 100 degrees on the Celsius scale. 49109% 49110The Ten Commandments for Technicians: 49111 1: Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged 49112 capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a 49113 most untechnician-like manner. 49114 49115 7: Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy 49116 fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console 49117 her in other ways. 49118% 49119The term "fire" brings up visions of violence and mayhem and the ugly scene 49120of shooting employees who make mistakes. We will now refer to this process 49121as "deleting" an employee (much as a file is deleted from a disk). The 49122employee is simply there one instant, and gone the next. All the terrible 49123temper tantrums, crying, and threats are eliminated. 49124 -- Kenny's Korner 49125% 49126The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed 49127ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function. 49128 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald 49129% 49130The test of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. 49131 -- Aldo Leopold 49132% 49133The thing that takes up the least amount of time 49134and causes the most amount of trouble is sex. 49135% 49136The things that interest people most are usually none of their business. 49137% 49138The Third Law of Photography: 49139 If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined 49140 when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of 49141 the dark leaks out. 49142% 49143The thought of being President frightens me and I do not think I 49144want the job. 49145 -- Ronald Reagan in 1973 49146 49147Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. Had he run unopposed he 49148would have lost. 49149 -- Mort Sahl 49150 49151Ronald Reagan is a triumph of the embalmer's art. 49152 -- Gore Vidal 49153 49154Ronald Reagan's platform seems to be: Hey, I'm a big good-looking guy and 49155I need a lot of sleep. 49156 -- Roy G. Blount, Jr. 49157 49158You've got to be careful quoting Ronald Reagan, because when you quote him 49159accurately it's called mudslinging. 49160 -- Walter Mondale 49161% 49162The Thought Police are here. They've come 49163To put you under cardiac arrest. 49164And as they drag you through the door 49165They tell you that you've failed the test. 49166 -- Buggles, "Living in the Plastic Age" 49167% 49168The three best things about going to school are June, July, and August. 49169% 49170The three biggest software lies: 49171 49172 1: *Of course* we'll give you a copy of the source. 49173 2: *Of course* the third party vendor we bought that from 49174 will fix the microcode. 49175 3: Beta test site? No, *of course* you're not a beta test site. 49176% 49177The three laws of thermodynamics: 49178 (1) You can't get anything without working for it. 49179 (2) The most you can accomplish by working is to break even. 49180 (3) You can only break even at absolute zero. 49181% 49182THE THREE MOST COMMONLY-ASKED QUESTIONS AT DISNEYLAND: 49183 491841) Where's the bathroom? 491852) What time does the parade start? 491863) Do you sell anything without that damn mouse on it? 49187% 49188The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a 49189soldering iron, a hardware type with a program patch and a user with 49190an idea. 49191 -- The Wizardry Compiled by Rick Cook 49192% 49193The three questions of greatest concern are -- 1. Is it attractive? 491942. Is it amusing? 3. Does it know its place? 49195 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" 49196% 49197The three rules of international air travel: 49198 49199(1) Never fly on Aeroflot if you can possibly avoid it (this used 49200 to be Braniff or Aeroflot). 49201(2) Never bet a whole lot of money on two little pairs unless you 49202 know *exactly* what you're doing. 49203(3) Never sleep with anyone whose troubles are worse than your own. 49204% 49205The thrill is here, but it won't last long 49206You'd better have your fun before it moves along... 49207% 49208The time for action is past! 49209Now is the time for senseless bickering. 49210% 49211The time is right to make new friends. 49212% 49213The time spent on any item of the agenda [of a finance 49214committee] will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved. 49215 -- C. N. Parkinson 49216% 49217The time was the 19th of May, 1780. The place was Hartford, Connecticut. 49218The day has gone down in New England history as a terrible foretaste of 49219Judgment Day. For at noon the skies turned from blue to grey and by 49220mid-afternoon had blackened over so densely that, in that religious age, 49221men fell on their knees and begged a final blessing before the end came. 49222The Connecticut House of Representatives was in session. And, as some of 49223the men fell down and others clamored for an immediate adjournment, the 49224Speaker of the House, one Col. Davenport, came to his feet. He silenced 49225them and said these words: "The day of judgment is either approaching or 49226it is not. If it is not, there is no cause for adjournment. If it is, I 49227choose to be found doing my duty. I wish therefore that candles may be 49228brought." 49229 -- Alistair Cooke 49230% 49231The tree in which the sap is stagnant remains fruitless. 49232 -- Hosea Ballou 49233% 49234The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad. 49235% 49236The tree of research must from time to time 49237be refreshed with the blood of bean counters. 49238 -- Alan Kay 49239% 49240The trouble is, there is an endless supply of White Men, 49241but there has always been a limited number of Human Beings. 49242 -- Little Big Man 49243% 49244The trouble with a kitten is that 49245When it grows up, it's always a cat 49246 -- Ogden Nash 49247% 49248The trouble with a lot of self-made men is that they worship their creator. 49249% 49250The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time. 49251% 49252The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate 49253it. 49254 -- Franklin P. Jones 49255% 49256The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing 49257more important to do. 49258% 49259The trouble with computers is that they do 49260what you tell them, not what you want. 49261 -- D. Cohen 49262% 49263The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody 49264appreciates how difficult it was. 49265% 49266The trouble with eating Italian food is that 49267five or six days later you're hungry again. 49268 -- George Miller 49269% 49270The trouble with heart disease is that the first 49271symptom is often hard to deal with: death. 49272 -- Michael Phelps 49273% 49274The trouble with incest is that it gets you involved with relatives. 49275 -- George S. Kaufman 49276% 49277The trouble with money is it costs too much! 49278% 49279The trouble with opportunity is that it 49280always comes disguised as hard work. 49281 -- Herbert V. Prochnow 49282% 49283The trouble with some women is that they get 49284all excited about nothing -- and then marry him. 49285 -- Cher 49286% 49287The trouble with superheroes is what to do between phone booths. 49288 -- Ken Kesey 49289% 49290The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds 49291the other fellow of a dull one. 49292 -- Sid Caesar 49293% 49294The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat. 49295 -- Lily Tomlin 49296% 49297The trouble with this country is that there are too many politicians 49298who believe, with a conviction based on experience, that you can fool 49299all of the people all of the time. 49300 -- Franklin Adams 49301% 49302The trouble with you 49303Is the trouble with me. 49304Got two good eyes 49305But we still don't see. 49306 -- Robert Hunter, "Workingman's Dead" 49307% 49308The true way goes over a rope which is not stretched at any great 49309height but just above the ground. It seems more designed to make 49310people stumble than to be walked upon. 49311 -- Franz Kafka 49312% 49313The truth about a man lies first and foremost in what he hides. 49314 -- Andre Malraux 49315% 49316The truth is rarely pure, and never simple. 49317 -- Oscar Wilde 49318% 49319The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie. 49320 -- Lenny Bruce 49321% 49322The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility. 49323And vice versa. 49324% 49325The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it. 49326 -- Stanley Kubrick 49327% 49328The Truth Shall Rape You Over. 49329 -- Caltech 49330% 49331The truth you speak has no past and no future. 49332It is, and that's all it needs to be. 49333% 49334The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks 49335Which practically conceal its sex. 49336I think it clever of the turtle 49337In such a fix to be so fertile. 49338 -- Ogden Nash 49339% 49340The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed." 49341 -- Dorothy Parker 49342% 49343The two most common things in the Universe are hydrogen and stupidity. 49344 -- Harlan Ellison 49345% 49346The two oldest professions in the world have been ruined by amateurs. 49347 -- George Bernard Shaw 49348% 49349The two party system ... is a triumph of the dialectic. It showed that 49350two could be one and one could be two and had probably been fabricated 49351by Hegel for the American market on a subcontract from General Dynamics. 49352 -- I. F. Stone 49353% 49354The two things that can get you into trouble 49355quicker than anything else are fast women and slow horses. 49356% 49357The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more 49358annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation. 49359 -- Oscar Wilde 49360% 49361The, uh, snowy mountains are like really cold, eh? 49362And the, um, plains stretch out like my moms girdle, eh? 49363There's lotsa beers and doughnuts for everyone, eh? 49364So the last one to be peaceful and everything is a big idiot, 49365Eh? 49366So shut yer face up and dry yer mukluks by the fire, eh? 49367And dream about girls with their high beams on, eh? 49368They may be cold, but that's okay! Beer's better that way! 49369Eh? 49370 -- A, like, Tribute to the Great White North, eh? 49371Beauty! 49372% 49373The ultimate game show will be the one 49374where somebody gets killed at the end. 49375 -- Chuck Barris, creator of "The Gong Show" 49376% 49377The unfacts, did we have them, are too 49378imprecisely few to warrant out certitude. 49379% 49380The United States also has its native Fascists who say that they are 49381"100 percent American"... 49382 -- U.S. Army (1945) 49383% 49384The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to 49385everybody and still nobody likes him. 49386 -- Jim Samuels 49387% 49388The universe does not have laws -- it has habits, and habits can be 49389broken. 49390% 49391The universe is all a spin-off of the Big Bang. 49392% 49393The universe is an island, 49394surrounded by whatever it is that surrounds universes. 49395% 49396The universe is laughing behind your back. 49397% 49398The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination -- but the 49399combination is locked up in the safe. 49400 -- Peter de Vries 49401 49402Corollary: The combination is not a problem since we are locked in the 49403same safe. 49404% 49405The Universe is populated by stable things. 49406 -- Richard Dawkins 49407% 49408The universe is ruled by letting things take their course. 49409It cannot be ruled by interfering. 49410 -- Chinese proverb 49411% 49412The universe seems neither benign nor hostile, merely indifferent. 49413 -- Sagan 49414% 49415The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie 49416Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall. Philbin is said 49417to make up for no talent by cheating well. Says Philbin of his 49418decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride." 49419% 49420The University of California Statistics Department; where mean is normal, 49421and deviation standard. 49422% 49423The UNIX philosophy basically involves giving you enough rope to 49424hang yourself. And then a couple of feet more, just to be sure. 49425% 49426The urge to gamble is so universal and its practice so pleasurable 49427that I assume it must be evil. 49428 -- Heywood Broun 49429% 49430The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and 49431religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging 49432from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its 49433yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledygook than the rest of the 49434world put together. 49435 -- Sir Peter Medawar 49436% 49437The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems 49438is a symptom of professional immaturity. 49439 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 49440% 49441The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be 49442regarded as a criminal offence. 49443 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 49444% 49445The use of money is all the advantage there is to having money. 49446 -- Benjamin Franklin 49447% 49448The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output. 49449% 49450The verdict of a jury is the a priori opinion of that juror who smokes 49451the worst cigars. 49452 -- H. L. Mencken 49453% 49454The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid 49455prejudice. 49456 -- Mark Twain 49457% 49458The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. 49459Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts 49460to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to 49461be one of the facts that needs altering. 49462 -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who: Face of Evil" 49463% 49464The very remembrance of my former misfortune proves a new one to me. 49465 -- Miguel de Cervantes 49466% 49467The Vet Who Surprised A Cow 49468 In the course of his duties in August 1977, a Dutch veterinary 49469surgeon was required to treat an ailing cow. To investigate its internal 49470gases he inserted a tube into that end of the animal not capable of facial 49471expression and struck a match. The jet of flame set fire first to some 49472bales of hay and then to the whole farm causing damage estimate at L45,000. 49473The vet was later fined L140 for starting a fire in a manner surprising to 49474the magistrates. The cow escaped with shock. 49475 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 49476% 49477The VFW represents many who died to give this country a second chance 49478to make it what it is supposed to be -- God's guest house on earth. 49479 -- John Wayne 49480% 49481The volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases. 49482 -- Jerry Brown 49483% 49484The voluptuous blond was chatting with her handsome escort in a posh 49485restaurant when their waiter, stumbling as he brought their drinks, 49486dumped a martini on the rocks down the back of the blonde's dress. She 49487sprang to her feet with a wild rebel yell, dashed wildly around the table, 49488then galloped wriggling from the room followed by her distraught boyfriend. 49489A man seated on the other side of the room with a date of his own beckoned 49490to the waiter and said, "We'll have two of whatever she was drinking." 49491% 49492The voters have spoken, the bastards... 49493% 49494The wages of sin are death; but after they're done taking out taxes, 49495it's just a tired feeling. 49496% 49497The wages of sin are high but you get your money's worth. 49498% 49499The wages of sin are unreported. 49500% 49501The War on Drugs is just a small part of the War on the United States 49502Constitution. 49503% 49504The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity 49505that would be clearly understood. 49506 -- Alexander Haig 49507% 49508The water was not fit to drink. 49509To make it palatable, we had to add whiskey. 49510By diligent effort, I learned to like it. 49511 -- Winston Churchill 49512% 49513The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and 49514incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks. 49515 -- Emo Philips 49516% 49517The way of the world is to praise dead saints and prosecute live ones. 49518 -- Nathaniel Howe 49519% 49520The way some people find fault, you'd think there was some kind of reward. 49521% 49522The way to a man's heart is through his 49523wife's belly, and don't you forget it. 49524 -- Edward Albee, "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?" 49525% 49526The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle. 49527% 49528The way to a man's stomach is through his esophagus. 49529% 49530The way to fight a woman is with your hat. Grab it and run. 49531% 49532The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost. 49533% 49534The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start 49535with a large fortune. 49536% 49537The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful. 49538My thoughts aren't too clear, but don't run away. 49539My girlfriend's a bore; my job is too dutiful. 49540Hell nobody's perfect, would you like to play? 49541I feel together today! 49542 -- Jimmy Buffet, "Coconut Telegraph" 49543% 49544The weed of crime bears bitter fruit. 49545% 49546The weed of crime bears bitter fruit... 49547but the leaves are good to smoke! 49548 -- The Shadow 49549% 49550The White Rabbit put on his spectacles. 49551 "Where shall I begin, please your Majesty?" he asked. 49552 "Begin at the beginning," the King said, very gravely, 49553"and go on till you come to the end: then stop." 49554 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865) 49555% 49556The white race is the cancer of history. 49557 -- Susan Sontag 49558% 49559The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak. 49560 -- Wavy Gravy 49561% 49562The whole of life is futile unless you 49563consider it as a sporting proposition. 49564% 49565The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always 49566so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts. 49567 -- Bertrand Russell 49568% 49569The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively. 49570 -- Peter Beard 49571% 49572The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes. 49573 -- George Gobel 49574% 49575The wind doth taste so bitter sweet, 49576 Like Jaspar wine and sugar, 49577It must have blown through someone's feet, 49578 Like those of Caspar Weinberger. 49579 -- P. Opus 49580% 49581The wise and intelligent are coming belatedly to realize that alcohol, and 49582not the dog, is man's best friend. Rover is taking a beating -- and he 49583should. 49584 -- W. C. Fields 49585% 49586The wise man seeks everything in himself; 49587the ignorant man tries to get everything from somebody else. 49588% 49589The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf. 49590% 49591The woman hurried home from her doctor's appointment, devastated by the 49592medical report she had just received. When her husband came in from work, 49593she told him, "Darling, the doctor said I have only twelve more hours to 49594live. So I've decided I want to go to bed and make passionate love to you 49595throughout the night. How does that sound, dearest?" 49596 "Hey, that's fine for *you*," replied the husband. "You don't have 49597to get up in the morning!" 49598% 49599The wonderful thing about a dancing bear 49600is not how well he dances, but that he dances at all. 49601% 49602The work [of software development] is becoming far easier (i.e. the tools 49603we're using work at a higher level, more removed from machine, peripheral 49604and operating system imperatives) than it was twenty years ago, and because 49605of this, knowledge of the internals of a system may become less accessible. 49606We may be able to dig deeper holes, but unless we know how to build taller 49607ladders, we had best hope that it does not rain much. 49608 -- Paul Licker 49609% 49610The world has many unintentionally cruel mechanisms that are not 49611designed for people who walk on their hands. 49612 -- John Irving, "The World According to Garp" 49613% 49614The world is a comedy to those who think, 49615and a tragedy to those who feel. 49616 -- Horace Walpole 49617% 49618The world is coming to an end. Please log off. 49619% 49620The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books! 49621% 49622The world is coming to an end ... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!! 49623% 49624The world is full of people who have never, since 49625childhood, met an open doorway with an open mind. 49626 -- E. B. White 49627% 49628The world is moving so fast these days that the man who says 49629it can't be done is generally interrupted by someone doing it. 49630 -- E. Hubbard 49631% 49632The world is not octal despite DEC. 49633% 49634The world is your exercise-book, the pages on which you do your sums. 49635It is not reality, although you can express reality there if you wish. 49636You are also free to write nonsense, or lies, or to tear the pages. 49637 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul 49638% 49639The world needs more people like us and fewer like them. 49640% 49641The world really isn't any worse. 49642It's just that the news coverage is so much better. 49643% 49644The world wants to be deceived. 49645 -- Sebastian Brant 49646% 49647The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out. 49648% 49649The world's as ugly as sin, 49650And almost as delightful. 49651 -- Frederick Locker-Lampson 49652% 49653The world's great men have not commonly been great scholars, 49654nor its great scholars great men. 49655 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes 49656% 49657The Worst American Poet 49658 Julia Moore, "the Sweet Singer of Michigan" (1847-1920) was so bad that 49659Mark Twain said her first book gave him joy for 20 years. 49660 Her verse was mainly concerned with violent death -- the great fire 49661of Chicago and the yellow fever epidemic proved natural subjects for her 49662pen. 49663 Whether death was by drowning, by fits or by runaway sleigh, the 49664formula was the same: 49665 Have you heard of the dreadful fate 49666 Of Mr. P. P. Bliss and wife? 49667 Of their death I will relate, 49668 And also others lost their life 49669 (in the) Ashbula Bridge disaster, 49670 Where so many people died. 49671 Even if you started out reasonably healthy in one of Julia's poems, 49672the chances are that after a few stanzas you would be at the bottom of a 49673river or struck by lightning. A critic of the day said she was "worse than 49674a Gatling gun" and in one slim volume counted 21 killed and 9 wounded. 49675 Incredibly, some newspapers were critical of her work, even 49676suggesting that the sweet singer was "semi-literate". Her reply was 49677forthright: "The Editors that has spoken in this scandalous manner have went 49678beyond reason." She added that "literary work is very difficult to do". 49679 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 49680% 49681THE WORST BANK ROBBERY 49682 49683In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank of 49684Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors. They 49685had to be helped free by the staff and, after thanking everyone, 49686sheepishly left the building. 49687A few minutes later they returned and announced their intention of 49688robbing the bank, but none of the staff believed them. When they demanded 496895,000 pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at them, convinced that it 49690was a practical joke. 49691Then one of the men jumped over the counter, but fell to the floor 49692clutching his ankle. The other two tried to make their getaway, but got 49693trapped in the revolving doors again. 49694% 49695The Worst Car Hire Service 49696 When David Schwartz left university in 1972, he set up Rent-a-wreck 49697as a joke. Being a natural prankster, he acquired a fleet of beat-up 49698shabby, wreckages waiting for the scrap heap in California. 49699 He put on a cap and looked forward to watching people's faces as he 49700conducted them round the choice of bumperless, dented junkmobiles. 49701 To his lasting surprise there was an insatiable demand for them and 49702he now has 26 thriving branches all over America. "People like driving 49703round in the worst cars available," he said. Of course they do. 49704 "If a driver damages the side of a car and is honest enough to 49705admit it, I tell him, `Forget it'. If they bring a car back late we 49706overlook it. If they've had a crash and it doesn't involve another vehicle 49707we might overlook that too." 49708 "Where's the ashtray?" asked one Los Angeles wife, as she settled 49709into the ripped interior. "Honey," said her husband, "the whole car's the 49710ash tray." 49711 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 49712% 49713The worst cliques are those which consist of one man. 49714 -- George Bernard Shaw 49715% 49716THE WORST HOMING PIGEON 49717 49718This historic bird was released in Pembrokeshire in June 1953 and was 49719expected to reach its base that evening. It was returned by post, dead, 49720in a cardboard box eleven years later from Brazil. 49721 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 49722% 49723The worst is enemy of the bad. 49724% 49725The worst is not so long as we can say "This is the worst." 49726 -- King Lear 49727% 49728The Worst Jury 49729 A murder trial at Manitoba in February 1978 was well advanced, when 49730one juror revealed that he was completely deaf and did not have the 49731remotest clue what was happening. 49732 The judge, Mr. Justice Solomon, asked him if he had heard any 49733evidence at all and, when there was no reply, dismissed him. 49734 The excitement which this caused was only equalled when a second 49735juror revealed that he spoke not a word of English. A fluent French 49736speaker, he exhibited great surprised when told, after two days, that he 49737was hearing a murder trial. 49738 The trial was abandoned when a third juror said that he suffered 49739from both conditions, being simultaneously unversed in the English language 49740and nearly as deaf as the first juror. 49741 The judge ordered a retrial. 49742 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 49743% 49744The Worst Lines of Verse 49745For a start, we can rule out James Grainger's promising line: 49746 "Come, muse, let us sing of rats." 49747Grainger (1721-67) did not have the courage of his convictions and deleted 49748these words on discovering that his listeners dissolved into spontaneous 49749laughter the instant they were read out. 49750 No such reluctance afflicted Adam Lindsay Gordon (1833-70) who was 49751inspired by the subject of war. 49752 "Flash! flash! bang! bang! and we blazed away, 49753 And the grey roof reddened and rang; 49754 Flash! flash! and I felt his bullet flay 49755 The tip of my ear. Flash! bang!" 49756By contrast, Cheshire cheese provoked John Armstrong (1709-79): 49757 "... that which Cestria sends, tenacious paste of solid milk..." 49758While John Bidlake was guided by a compassion for vegetables: 49759 "The sluggard carrot sleeps his day in bed, 49760 The crippled pea alone that cannot stand." 49761George Crabbe (1754-1832) wrote: 49762 "And I was ask'd and authorized to go 49763 To seek the firm of Clutterbuck and Co." 49764William Balmford explored the possibilities of religious verse: 49765 "So 'tis with Christians, Nature being weak 49766 While in this world, are liable to leak." 49767And William Wordsworth showed that he could do it if he really tried when 49768describing a pond: 49769 "I've measured it from side to side; 49770 Tis three feet long and two feet wide." 49771 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 49772% 49773The Worst Musical Trio 49774 There are few bad musicians who have a chance to give a recital at 49775a famous concert hall while still learning the rudiments of their 49776instrument. This happened about thirty years ago to the son of a Rumanian 49777gentleman who was owed a personal favour by Georges Enesco, the celebrated 49778violinist. Enesco agreed to give lessons to the son who was quite 49779unhampered by great musical talent. 49780 Three years later the boy's father insisted that he give a public 49781concert. "His aunt said that nobody plays the violin better than he does. 49782A cousin heard him the other day and screamed with enthusiasm." Although 49783Enesco feared the consequences, he arranged a recital at the Salle Gaveau 49784in Paris. However, nobody bought a ticket since the soloist was unknown. 49785 "Then you must accompany him on the piano," said the boy's father, 49786"and it will be a sell out." 49787 Reluctantly, Enesco agreed and it was. On the night an excited 49788audience gathered. Before the concert began Enesco became nervous and 49789asked for someone to turn his pages. 49790 In the audience was Alfred Cortot, the brilliant pianist, who 49791volunteered and made his way to the stage. 49792 The soloist was of uniformly low standard and next morning the 49793music critic of Le Figaro wrote: "There was a strange concert at the Salle 49794Gaveau last night. The man whom we adore when he plays the violin played 49795the piano. Another whom we adore when he plays the piano turned the pages. 49796But the man who should have turned the pages played the violin." 49797 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 49798% 49799The worst part of having success is trying 49800to find someone who is happy for you. 49801 -- Bette Midler 49802% 49803The worst part of valor is indiscretion. 49804% 49805The Worst Prison Guards 49806 The largest number of convicts ever to escape simultaneously from a 49807maximum security prison is 124. This record is held by Alcoente Prison, 49808near Lisbon in Portugal. 49809 During the weeks leading up to the escape in July 1978 the prison 49810warders had noticed that attendances had fallen at film shows which 49811included "The Great Escape", and also that 220 knives and a huge quantity 49812of electric cable had disappeared. A guard explained, "Yes, we were 49813planning to look for them, but never got around to it." The warders had 49814not, however, noticed the gaping holes in the wall because they were 49815"covered with posters". Nor did they detect any of the spades, chisels, 49816water hoses and electric drills amassed by the inmates in large quantities. 49817The night before the breakout one guard had noticed that of the 36 49818prisoners in his block only 13 were present. He said this was "normal" 49819because inmates sometimes missed roll-call or hid, but usually came back 49820the next morning. 49821 "We only found out about the escape at 6:30 the next morning when 49822one of the prisoners told us," a warder said later. [...] When they 49823eventually checked, the prison guards found that exactly half of the jail's 49824population was missing. By way of explanation the Justice Minister, Dr. 49825Santos Pais, claimed that the escape was "normal" and part of the 49826"legitimate desire of the prisoner to regain his liberty." 49827 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 49828% 49829The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them, 49830but to be indifferent to them; that's the essence of inhumanity. 49831 -- George Bernard Shaw 49832% 49833The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they 49834are sober. 49835 -- William Butler Yeats 49836% 49837The worst thing one can do is not to try, to be aware of what one 49838wants and not give in to it, to spend years in silent hurt wondering 49839if something could have materialized -- and never knowing. 49840 -- David Viscott 49841% 49842The Wright Brothers weren't the first to fly. 49843They were just the first not to crash. 49844% 49845The yankees, son, are up north. 49846The damnyankees are down here. 49847% 49848The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of 49849four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all 49850the answers. 49851% 49852The young Georgia miss came to the hospital for a checkup. 49853 "Have you been X-rayed?" asked the doctor. 49854 "Nope," she said, "but ah've been ultraviolated." 49855% 49856The young lady had an unusual list, 49857Linked in part to a structural weakness. 49858She set no preconditions. 49859% 49860The young man-about-town enjoyed luxury but didn't always have the means 49861to buy it, and so he huffily walked out of the Miami Beach hotel when he 49862found out the charges for room, meals and golf privileges were $300 a day. 49863He registered across the street at an equally elegant hotel, where the 49864rates were only $70. The following morning he went down to the hotel's 49865golf course and asked Scotty, the pro, to sell him a couple of golf balls. 49866"Sure," said Scotty. "That'll be $25 apiece." 49867 "What?" screamed the bachelor. "In the hotel across the street 49868they only charge $1 a ball!" 49869 "Naturally," replied the pro. "Over there they get you by the 49870rooms." 49871% 49872THEGODDESSOFTHENETHASTWISTINGFINGERSANDHERVOICEISLIKEAJAVALININTHENIGHTDUDE 49873% 49874Their idea of an offer you can't refuse is an offer... 49875and you'd better not refuse. 49876% 49877Them as has, gets. 49878% 49879Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations. 49880 49881He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan, 49882then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open 49883market. 49884 49885If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he should 49886not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of himself. 49887 49888Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree. 49889Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg. 49890Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower. 49891 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 49892% 49893Then, gently touching my face, she hesitated for a moment as her 49894incredible eyes poured forth into mine love, joy, pain, tragedy, 49895acceptance, and peace. "'Bye for now," she said warmly. 49896 -- Thea Alexander, "2150 A.D." 49897% 49898Then here's to the City of Boston, 49899The town of the cries and the groans. 49900Where the Cabots can't see the Kabotschniks, 49901And the Lowells won't speak to the Cohns. 49902 -- Franklin Pierce Adams 49903% 49904Then there was LSD, which was supposed to make you think you could fly. 49905I remember it made you think you couldn't stand up, and mostly it was 49906right. 49907 -- P. J. O'Rourke 49908% 49909Then there was the Formosan bartender named Taiwan-On. 49910% 49911Then there was the Scoutmaster who got a fantastic deal on this case of 49912Tates brand compasses for his troop; only $1.25 each! Only problem was, 49913when they got them out in the woods, the compasses were all stuck pointing 49914to the "W" on the dial. 49915 49916Moral: 49917 He who has a Tates is lost! 49918% 49919Theology is an attempt to explain a subject by men who do not understand 49920it. The intent is not to tell the truth but to satisfy the questioner. 49921 -- Elbert Hubbard 49922% 49923Theorem: a cat has nine tails. 49924Proof: 49925 No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat. 49926 Therefore, a cat has nine tails. 49927% 49928Theorem: All positive integers are equal. 49929Proof: Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B, A = B. 49930 Further, it is sufficient to show that for all N > 0, if A and B 49931 (positive integers) satisfy (MAX(A, B) = N) then A = B. 49932 49933Proceed by induction: 49934 If N = 1, then A and B, being positive integers, must both be 1. 49935 So A = B. 49936 49937Assume that the theorem is true for some value k. Take A and B with 49938 MAX(A, B) = k+1. Then MAX((A-1), (B-1)) = k. And hence 49939 (A-1) = (B-1). Consequently, A = B. 49940% 49941Theorem: All programs are dull. 49942 49943Proof: Assume the contrary; i.e., the set of interesting programs is 49944nonempty. Arrange them (or it) in order of interest (note that all 49945sets can be well ordered, so do it properly). The minimal element is 49946the "least interesting program", the obvious dullness of which provides 49947the contradictory denouement we so devoutly seek. 49948 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 49949% 49950THEORY: 49951 System of ideas meant to explain something, chosen with a view to 49952 originality, controversialism, incomprehensibility, and how good 49953 it will look in print. 49954% 49955Theory is gray, but the golden tree of life is green. 49956 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 49957% 49958Theory of Selective Supervision: 49959 The one time in the day that you lean back and relax is 49960 the one time the boss walks through the office. 49961% 49962There appears before you a threatening figure clad all over in heavy black 49963armor. His legs seem like the massive trunk of the oak tree. His broad 49964shoulders and helmeted head loom high over your own puny frame and you 49965realize that his powerful arms could easily crush the very life from your 49966body. There hangs from his belt a veritable arsenal of deadly weapons: 49967sword, mace, ball and chain, dagger, lance, and trident. 49968He speaks with a commanding voice: 49969 49970 "YOU SHALL NOT PASS" 49971 49972As he grabs you by the neck all grows dim about you. 49973% 49974There appears to be irrefutable evidence that 49975the mere fact of overcrowding induces violence. 49976 -- Harvey Wheeler 49977% 49978There are a few things that never go out of style, 49979and a feminine woman is one of them. 49980 -- Ralston 49981% 49982There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true. 49983 -- Winston Churchill 49984% 49985There are bad times just around the corner, 49986There are dark clouds hurtling through the sky 49987And it's no good whining 49988About a silver lining 49989For we know from experience that they won't roll by... 49990 -- Noel Coward 49991% 49992There are few people more often in the wrong 49993than those who cannot endure to be thought so. 49994% 49995There are few virtues that the Poles do not possess -- 49996and there are few mistakes they have ever avoided. 49997 -- Winston Churchill, Parliament, August, 1945 49998% 49999There are four boxes to be used in defense of liberty: soap, ballot, 50000jury, and ammo. Please use in that order. 50001 -- Ed Howdershelt 50002% 50003There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, 50004and praiseworthy ... 50005 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 50006% 50007There are four stages to a marriage. First there's the affair, then there's 50008the marriage, then children and finally the fourth stage, without which you 50009cannot know a woman, the divorce. 50010 -- Norman Mailer 50011% 50012There are many intelligent species in 50013the universe, and they all own cats. 50014% 50015There are many of us in this old world of ours who hold that things break 50016about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get 50017about the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summer and the poor 50018get it in the winter. 50019 -- Bat Masterson 50020% 50021There are many people today who literally do not have a close personal 50022friend. They may know something that we don't. They are probably 50023avoiding a great deal of pain. 50024% 50025There are more dead people than living, and their numbers are increasing. 50026 -- Eugene Ionesco 50027% 50028There are more old drunkards than old doctors. 50029% 50030There are more things in heaven and earth than any place else. 50031% 50032There are more things in heaven and earth, 50033Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy. 50034 -- Hamlet 50035% 50036There are more ways of killing a cat than choking her with cream. 50037% 50038There are never any bugs you haven't found yet. 50039% 50040There are new messages. 50041% 50042There are no accidents whatsoever in the universe. 50043 -- Baba Ram Dass 50044% 50045There are no answers, only cross-references. 50046 -- Weiner 50047% 50048There are no data that cannot be plotted on a straight line if the axes 50049are chosen correctly. 50050% 50051There are no emotional victims, only volunteers. 50052% 50053There are no games on this system. 50054% 50055There are no great men, buster. There are only men. 50056 -- Elaine Stewart, "The Bad and the Beautiful" 50057% 50058There are no great men, only great challenges that 50059ordinary men are forced by circumstances to meet. 50060 -- Admiral William Halsey 50061% 50062There are no manifestos like cannon and musketry. 50063 -- The Duke of Wellington 50064% 50065There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the existence 50066of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any marginally 50067competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat engine and make 50068some other part of hell comfortably cool. This is obviously impossible. 50069 -- Richard Davisson 50070% 50071There are no rules for March. March is spring, sort 50072of, usually, March means maybe, but don't bet on it. 50073% 50074There are no winners in life, only survivors. 50075% 50076There are only two kinds of men -- the dead and the deadly. 50077 -- Helen Rowland 50078% 50079There are only two kinds of tequila. Good and better. 50080% 50081There are only two things in this world that I am sure of, death and 50082taxes, and we just might do something about death one of these days. 50083 -- shades 50084% 50085There are people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the 50086truth without lying. 50087 -- Josh Billings 50088% 50089There are people who find it odd to eat four or five Chinese meals 50090in a row; in China, I often remind them, there are a billion or so 50091people who find nothing odd about it. 50092 -- Calvin Trillin 50093% 50094There are places I'll remember 50095All my life though some have changed. 50096Some forever not for better 50097Some have gone and some remain. 50098All these places had their moments 50099With lovers and friends I still recall. 50100Some are dead and some are living, 50101In my life I've loved them all. 50102 50103But of all these friends and lovers, 50104There is no one compared with you, 50105All these memories lose their meaning 50106When I think of love as something new. 50107Though I know I'll never lose affection 50108For people and things that went before, 50109I know I'll often stop and think about them 50110In my life I'll love you more. 50111 -- Lennon/McCartney, "In My Life", 1965 50112% 50113There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a 50114vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone. 50115 -- Gloria Steinem 50116% 50117There are running jobs. 50118Why don't you go chase them? 50119% 50120There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both 50121plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis; 50122and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again, 50123don't we all? 50124% 50125There are strange things done in the midnight sun 50126 By the men who moil for gold; 50127The Arctic trails have their secret tales 50128 That would make your blood run cold; 50129The Northern Lights have seen queer sights, 50130 But the queerest they ever did see 50131Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge 50132 I cremated Sam McGee. 50133 -- Robert W. Service 50134% 50135There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life 50136is the process of discovering them over and over and over. 50137 -- David Nichols 50138% 50139There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells and 50140fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated pools here 50141and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving them parched for 50142wonder. There are also those who believe that if you stick your fingers up 50143your nose and blow, it will increase your intelligence. 50144 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII 50145% 50146There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damned Lies, and Statistics. 50147 -- Benjamin Disraeli 50148% 50149There are three kinds of people: men, women, and unix. 50150% 50151There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away 50152from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone 50153loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor. 50154% 50155There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be 50156offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin 50157a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount 50158of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of 50159affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. 50160When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. 50161Under no circumstances can the food be omitted. 50162 -- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior 50163% 50164There are three principal ways to lose money: wine, women, and 50165engineers. While the first two are more pleasant, the third is by far 50166the more certain. 50167 -- Baron Rothschild, ca. 1800 50168% 50169There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need 50170the money; the second that you have something to say that you think the 50171world should know; the third is that you can't think what to do with the 50172long winter evenings. 50173 -- Quentin Crisp 50174% 50175There are three rules for writing a novel. 50176Unfortunately, no one knows what they are. 50177 -- W. Somerset Maugham 50178% 50179There are three schools of magic. One: State a tautology, then ring 50180the changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy. Two: Record many 50181facts. Try to find a pattern. Then make a wrong guess at the next 50182fact; that's science. Three: Be aware that you live in a malevolent 50183Universe controlled by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's 50184Factor; that's engineering. 50185% 50186There are three things I always forget. Names, faces -- the third I 50187can't remember. 50188 -- Italo Svevo 50189% 50190There are three things I have always loved 50191and never understood -- art, music, and women. 50192% 50193There are three things men can do with women: 50194love them, suffer for them, or turn them into literature. 50195 -- Stephen Stills 50196% 50197There are three ways to get something done: 50198 1. Do it yourself. 50199 2. Hire someone to do it for you. 50200 3. Forbid your kids to do it. 50201% 50202There are times when truth is stranger than fiction and lunch time is 50203one of them. 50204% 50205There are twenty-five people left in the world, 50206and twenty-seven of them are hamburgers. 50207 -- Ed Sanders 50208% 50209There are two jazz musicians who are great buddies. They hang out and play 50210together for years, virtually inseparable. Unfortunately, one of them is 50211struck by a truck and killed. About a week later his friend wakes up in 50212the middle of the night with a start because he can feel a presence in the 50213room. He calls out, "Who's there? Who's there? What's going on?" 50214 "It's me -- Bob," replies a faraway voice. 50215 Excitedly he sits up in bed. "Bob! Bob! Is that you? Where are 50216you?" 50217 "Well," says the voice, "I'm in heaven now." 50218 "Heaven! You're in heaven! That's wonderful! What's it like?" 50219 "It's great, man. I gotta tell you, I'm jamming up here every day. 50220I'm playing with Bird, and 'Trane, and Count Basie drops in all the time! 50221Man it is smokin'!" 50222 "Oh, wow!" says his friend. "That sounds fantastic, tell me more, 50223tell me more!" 50224 "Let me put it this way," continues the voice. "There's good news 50225and bad news. The good news is that these guys are in top form. I mean 50226I have *never* heard them sound better. They are *wailing* up here." 50227 "The bad news is that God has this girlfriend that sings..." 50228% 50229There are two kinds of fool. One says, "This is old, and therefore good." 50230And one says, "This is new, and therefore better." 50231 -- John Brunner, "The Shockwave Rider" 50232% 50233There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead. 50234 -- Lord Thomas Robert Dewar 50235% 50236There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect 50237the sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the 50238sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too. 50239 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" 50240% 50241There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. 50242We don't believe this to be a coincidence. 50243 -- Jeremy S. Anderson 50244% 50245There are two problems with a major hangover. You feel 50246like you are going to die and you're afraid that you won't. 50247% 50248There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. 50249% 50250There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -- before 50251marriage and after marriage. 50252% 50253There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to 50254make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the 50255other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious 50256deficiencies. 50257 -- C. A. R. Hoare 50258% 50259There are two ways of disliking art. 50260One is to dislike it. 50261The other is to like it rationally. 50262 -- Oscar Wilde 50263% 50264There are two ways of disliking poetry; 50265one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope. 50266 -- Oscar Wilde 50267% 50268There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one 50269works. 50270% 50271There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a 50272suitable application of high explosives. 50273% 50274There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening 50275with an insurance salesman? 50276 -- Woody Allen 50277% 50278There be sober men a'plenty, and drunkards barely twenty; there are men 50279of over ninety who have never yet kissed a girl. But give me the rambling 50280rover, from Orkney down to Dover, we will roam the whole world over, and 50281together we'll face the world. 50282 -- Andy Stewart, "After the Hush" 50283% 50284There but for the grace of God, goes God. 50285 -- Winston Churchill, speaking of Sir Stafford Cripps 50286% 50287There can be no daily democracy without daily citizenship. 50288 -- Ralph Nader 50289% 50290There can be no twisted thought without a twisted molecule. 50291 -- R. W. Gerard 50292% 50293There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. 50294 -- Henry Kissinger 50295% 50296There comes a time in the affairs of a man when he 50297has to take the bull by the tail and face the situation. 50298 -- W. C. Fields 50299% 50300There comes a time to stop being angry. 50301 -- A Small Circle of Friends 50302% 50303There exist tasks which cannot be done by more than 10 men or fewer 50304than 100. 50305 -- Steele's Law 50306% 50307There goes the good time that was had by all. 50308 -- Bette Davis, remarking on a passing starlet 50309% 50310There has also been some work to allow the interesting use of macro names. 50311For example, if you wanted all of your "creat()" calls to include read 50312permissions for everyone, you could say 50313 50314 #define creat(file, mode) creat(file, mode | 0444) 50315 50316 I would recommend against this kind of thing in general, since it 50317hides the changed semantics of "creat()" in a macro, potentially far away 50318from its uses. 50319 To allow this use of macros, the preprocessor uses a process that 50320is worth describing, if for no other reason than that we get to use one of 50321the more amusing terms introduced into the C lexicon. While a macro is 50322being expanded, it is temporarily undefined, and any recurrence of the macro 50323name is "painted blue" -- I kid you not, this is the official terminology 50324-- so that in future scans of the text the macro will not be expanded 50325recursively. (I do not know why the color blue was chosen; I'm sure it 50326was the result of a long debate, spread over several meetings.) 50327 -- From Ken Arnold's "C Advisor" column in Unix Review 50328% 50329There has been a little distress selling on the stock exchange. 50330 -- Thomas W. Lamont, October 29, 1929 50331% 50332There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know 50333nothing about. 50334% 50335There is a 20% chance of tomorrow. 50336% 50337There is a building with four floors. On the first floor, there 50338is a convention of architects. On the second floor, there is a 50339vinyl manufacturing plant. On the third floor there is a fast food 50340stand, and on the fourth floor there is a library. 50341 50342Q: What would happen if a librarian traveled down in a small 50343 elevator with one other person from each floor? 50344A: The elevator would be full. 50345% 50346There is a certain frame of mind to which a cemetery 50347is, if not an antidote, at least an alleviation. If 50348you are in a fit of the blues, go nowhere else. 50349 -- Robert Louis Stevenson, "Immortelles" 50350% 50351There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an 50352opinion. 50353 -- Anatole France 50354% 50355There is a fly on your nose. 50356% 50357There is a good deal of solemn cant about the common interests of capital 50358and labour. As matters stand, their only common interest is that of cutting 50359each other's throat. 50360 -- Brooks Atkinson, "Once Around the Sun" 50361% 50362There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of 50363paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write. 50364% 50365There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder. 50366% 50367There is a limit to the admiration we may hold for a man who spends 50368his waking hours poking the contents of chickens with a stick. 50369 -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume" 50370% 50371There is a Massachusetts law requiring all dogs to have their hind legs 50372tied during the month of April. 50373% 50374There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish. 50375 -- Walt Disney 50376% 50377There is a new anti-communist organization that advocates the use of 50378wooden toilet seats. 50379 50380It's called the Birch John Society. 50381% 50382There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly 50383what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly 50384disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and 50385inexplicable. 50386 50387There is another theory which states that this has already happened. 50388 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe" 50389% 50390There is a time in the tides of men, 50391Which, taken at its flood, leads on to success. 50392On the other hand, don't count on it. 50393 -- T. K. Lawson 50394% 50395There is a vast difference between the savage and civilized man, but it 50396is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast. 50397 -- Helen Rowland 50398% 50399There is always more hell that needs raising. 50400 -- Lauren Leveut 50401% 50402There is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling 50403somebody out. 50404 -- Joan Didion, "Slouching Towards Bethlehem" 50405% 50406There is always someone worse off than yourself. 50407% 50408There is always something new out of Africa. 50409 -- Gaius Plinius Secundus 50410% 50411There is an innocence in admiration; it is found in those to whom it 50412has not yet occurred that they, too, might be admired some day. 50413 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 50414% 50415There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty. 50416"When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend." 50417 -- Mark Twain 50418% 50419There is brutality and there is honesty. 50420There is no such thing as brutal honesty. 50421% 50422There is Good Information and there is Bad Information and the 50423Internet is generally pretty neutral about the difference. If you're 50424a computer, it's all just 0s and 1s. 50425 -- Joel Achenbach 50426% 50427There is grandeur in this view of life, with its several powers, 50428having been originally breathed into a few forms or into one; and that, 50429whilst this planet has gone cycling on according to the fixed law of 50430gravity, from so simple a beginning endless forms most beautiful and 50431most wonderful have been, and are being, evolved. 50432 -- Darwin 50433% 50434There is hardly a thing in the world that some man can 50435not make a little worse and sell a little cheaper. 50436% 50437There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum. 50438 -- Arthur C. Clarke 50439% 50440There is in certain living souls 50441A quality of loneliness unspeakable, 50442So great it must be shared 50443As company is shared by lesser beings. 50444Such a loneliness is mine; so know by this 50445That in immensity 50446There is one lonelier than you. 50447% 50448There is, in fact, no reason to believe that any given natural phenomenon, 50449however marvelous it may seem today, will remain forever inexplicable. 50450Soon or late the laws governing the production of life itself will be 50451discovered in the laboratory, and man may set up business as a creator 50452on his own account. The thing, indeed, is not only conceivable; it is 50453even highly probable. 50454 -- H. L. Mencken, 1930 50455% 50456There *__is* intelligent life on Earth, but I leave for Texas on Monday. 50457% 50458There is Jackson standing like a stone wall. Let us determine to die, 50459and we will conquer. Follow me. 50460 -- General Barnard E. Bee (CSA) 50461% 50462There is more simplicity in a man who eats caviar on impulse than in a 50463man who eats Grapenuts on principle. 50464 -- G. K. Chesterton 50465% 50466There is more to life than increasing its speed. 50467 -- Mohandas K. Gandhi 50468% 50469There is much Obi-Wan did not tell you. 50470 -- Darth Vader 50471% 50472There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is 50473always enough time to do it over. 50474% 50475There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over. 50476% 50477There is no act of treachery or mean-ness of which a political party 50478is not capable; for in politics there is no honour. 50479 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Vivian Grey" 50480% 50481There is no bad taste. There is only good taste, and that is bad. 50482 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 50483% 50484There is no better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law. 50485No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets truth. 50486 -- Jean Giraudoux, "Tiger at the Gates" 50487% 50488There is no choice before us. Either we must Succeed in providing 50489the rational coordination of impulses and guts, or for centuries 50490civilization will sink into a mere welter of minor excitements. 50491We must provide a Great Age or see the collapse of the upward 50492striving of the human race. 50493 -- Alfred North Whitehead 50494% 50495There is no comfort without pain; thus 50496we define salvation through suffering. 50497 -- Cato 50498% 50499There is no cure for birth and death other than to enjoy the interval. 50500 -- George Santayana 50501% 50502There is no delight the equal of dread. 50503As long as it is somebody else's. 50504 -- Clive Barker 50505% 50506There is no distinction between any AI program and some existent game. 50507% 50508There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. 50509 -- Mark Twain 50510% 50511There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he 50512filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary 50513as "unearned income." 50514 -- Michael Lara 50515% 50516There is no education that is not political. An apolitical 50517education is also political because it is purposely isolating. 50518% 50519There is no Father Christmas. It's just a marketing ploy to make low income 50520parents' lives a misery. ... I want you to picture the trusting face of a 50521child, streaked with tears because of what you just said. I want you to 50522picture the face of its mother, because one week's dole won't pay for one 50523Master of the Universe Battlecruiser! 50524 -- Filthy Rich and Catflap 50525% 50526There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear. 50527% 50528There is no fool to the old fool. 50529 -- John Heywood 50530% 50531There is no future in time travel. 50532% 50533There is no grief which time does not lessen and soften. 50534% 50535There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted 50536armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter. 50537 -- Ernest Hemingway 50538% 50539There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom. 50540 -- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923 50541% 50542There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years 50543the dirt doesn't get any worse. 50544 -- Quentin Crisp 50545% 50546There is no ox so dumb as the orthodox. 50547 -- George Francis Gillette 50548% 50549There is no point in waiting. 50550The train stopped running years ago. 50551All the schedules, the brochures, 50552The bright-colored posters full of lies, 50553Promise rides to a distant country 50554That no longer exists. 50555% 50556There is no proverb that is not true. 50557 -- Cervantes 50558% 50559There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the 50560tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not 50561abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and 50562war hold him in check. And also the wife who wants him home by five, 50563of course. 50564 -- Encyclopedia Apocryphia, 1990 ed. 50565% 50566There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home. 50567 -- Ken Olsen (President of Digital Equipment Corporation), 50568 Convention of the World Future Society, in Boston, 1977 50569% 50570There is no royal road to geometry. 50571 -- Euclid 50572% 50573There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist. 50574% 50575There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it. 50576 -- George Bernard Shaw 50577% 50578There is no security on this earth. There is only opportunity. 50579 -- General Douglas MacArthur 50580% 50581There is no sin but ignorance. 50582 -- Christopher Marlowe 50583% 50584There is no sincerer love than the love of food. 50585 -- George Bernard Shaw 50586% 50587There is no statute of limitations on stupidity. 50588% 50589There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes. 50590% 50591There *is* no such thing as a civil engineer. 50592% 50593There is no such thing as a free lunch. 50594% 50595There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands. 50596% 50597There is no such thing as an ugly woman -- there are only 50598the ones who do not know how to make themselves attractive. 50599 -- Christian Dior 50600% 50601There is no such thing as fortune. Try again. 50602% 50603There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. 50604Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behaviour. 50605 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" 50606% 50607There is no such thing as pure pleasure; 50608some anxiety always goes with it. 50609% 50610There is no time like the pleasant. 50611% 50612There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be 50613doing. 50614% 50615There is no TRUTH. There is no REALITY. There is no CONSISTENCY. 50616There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS. I'm very probably wrong. 50617% 50618There is not a man in the country that can't make a living for himself and 50619family. But he can't make a living for them *and* his government, too, 50620the way his government is living. What the government has got to do is 50621live as cheap as the people. 50622 -- The Best of Will Rogers 50623% 50624There is not much to choose between a woman who deceives 50625us for another, and a woman who deceives another for ourselves. 50626 -- Augier 50627% 50628There is not opinion so absurd that some philosopher will not express it. 50629 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares" 50630% 50631There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result. 50632 -- Winston Churchill 50633% 50634There is nothing more silly than a silly laugh. 50635 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus 50636% 50637There is nothing new except what has been forgotten. 50638 -- Marie Antoinette 50639% 50640There is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult 50641when you do it reluctantly. 50642 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) 50643% 50644There is nothing stranger in a strange land than the stranger who 50645comes to visit. 50646% 50647"There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine," 50648said a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat. "And yet just 50649a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with an unanswerable 50650question," said Nasrudin. "I could have answered it if I had been 50651there." "Very well. He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in 50652the middle of the night?'" 50653% 50654There is nothing wrong with abstinence, in moderation. 50655% 50656There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the 50657ocean level wouldn't cure. 50658 -- Ross MacDonald 50659% 50660There is nothing wrong with writing ... as long as it 50661is done in private and you wash your hands afterward. 50662% 50663There is one difference between a tax collector and 50664a taxidermist -- the taxidermist leaves the hide. 50665 -- Mortimer Caplan 50666% 50667There is one way to find out if a man is honest -- ask him. If he says 50668"Yes" you know he is crooked. 50669 -- Groucho Marx 50670% 50671There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and 50672that is not being talked about. 50673 -- Oscar Wilde 50674% 50675There is only one way to be happy by means of the heart -- to have none. 50676 -- Paul Bourget 50677% 50678There is only one way to console a widow. But remember the risk. 50679 -- Robert A. Heinlein 50680% 50681There is only one way to kill capitalism -- 50682by taxes, taxes, and more taxes. 50683 -- Karl Marx 50684% 50685There is only one word for aid that is genuinely without strings, 50686and that word is blackmail. 50687 -- Colm Brogan 50688% 50689There is perhaps in every thing of any consequence, secret history, which 50690it would be amusing to know, could we have it authentically communicated. 50691 -- James Boswell 50692% 50693There is plenty of time before progress goes too far. 50694 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 50695% 50696There is something in the pang of change 50697More than the heart can bear, 50698Unhappiness remembering happiness. 50699 -- Euripides 50700% 50701There is very little future in being right when your boss is wrong. 50702% 50703There isn't room enough in this dress for both of us! 50704% 50705There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who 50706constantly divide the people of the world into two classes and those 50707who do not. 50708 -- Robert Benchley 50709% 50710There must be at least 500,000,000 rats in the United 50711States; of course, I never heard the story before. 50712% 50713There must be more to life than having everything. 50714 -- Maurice Sendak 50715% 50716There never was a good war or a bad peace. 50717 -- Benjamin Franklin 50718% 50719There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The 50720king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished 50721in his heart that the son would be wise and compassionate. One day he said 50722to the prince: 50723 "If you promised that you would give a certain woman anything, even 50724half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend, 50725what would your decision be, my son?" 50726 The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell 50727her that she was my best friend, and then cut off her head." 50728 The king knew that his son would be a great king. 50729% 50730There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The 50731king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished 50732in his heart that the son would be wise and compassionate. One day he said 50733to the prince: 50734 "If you promised that you would give a certain woman anything, even 50735half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend, 50736what would your decision be, my son?" 50737 The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell 50738her that the life of my best friend did not lie in the half of the kingdom 50739that I had promised." 50740 The king knew that his son would be a great king. 50741% 50742There seems no plan because it is all plan. 50743 -- C. S. Lewis 50744% 50745There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it. 50746 -- C. S. Lewis, "The Chronicles of Narnia" 50747% 50748There was a little girl 50749Who had a little curl 50750Right in the middle of her forehead. 50751When she was good, she was very, very good 50752And when she was bad, she was very, very popular. 50753 -- Max Miller, "The Max Miller Blue Book" 50754% 50755There was a man who enjoyed playing golf, and could occasionally put up 50756with taking in a round with his wife. One time (with his wife along) he 50757was having an extremely bad round. On the 12th hole, he sliced a drive 50758over by a grounds-keepers' shack. Although he did not have a clear shot 50759to the green, his wife noticed that there were two doors on the shack, 50760and there was a possibility that, if both doors were opened, he might be 50761able to hit through. Without hesitation, he instructed his wife to go 50762around to the other side and open the far door. Sure enough, this gave 50763him a clear path to the green. He stepped up to his ball and prepared 50764to hit. His wife had been standing by the far door waiting for him to 50765hit through. After a moment, she became curious and stuck her head in 50766the doorway, to see what he was doing. At that exact moment, the husband 50767cracked a three-wood that hit his wife square on the forehead, killing 50768her instantly. A few weeks later, the man was playing a round at the same 50769course, this time with a friend of his. Once again on the 12th hole, he 50770sliced his drive to the shack. His friend suggested that he might be able 50771to hit through, if he was to open both doors. 50772 "Nah", replied the man, "Last time I did that I took a 7". 50773% 50774There was a phone call for you. 50775% 50776There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were 50777left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley. 50778Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so they 50779started debating who should be allowed to stay. 50780 50781The Pope pointed out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all 50782over the world, the President explained that if he died then America 50783would be stuck with the Vice-President, and so forth. Then Mayor Daley 50784said, "Look! We're not solving anything like this! The only fair 50785thing to do is to vote on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97 50786votes. 50787% 50788There was a writer in 'Life' magazine ... who claimed that rabbits have 50789no memory, which is one of their defensive mechanisms. If they recalled 50790every close shave they had in the course of just an hour life would become 50791insupportable. 50792 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. 50793% 50794There was a young man from LeDoux, 50795Whose limericks stopped at line two. 50796 50797There was a young man from Verdunne. 50798 50799 [Actually, there are three limericks in this series, the third one 50800 is about some guy named Nero. If anyone has a copy of it, please 50801 mail it to "fortune". Ed.] 50802% 50803There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: 50804both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to 50805talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him 50806during the trial. 50807 -- David Letterman 50808% 50809There was an old Indian belief that by making love on the hide of 50810their favorite animal, one could guarantee the health and prosperity 50811of the offspring conceived thereupon. And so it goes that one Indian 50812couple made love on a buffalo hide. Nine months later, they were 50813blessed with a healthy baby son. Yet another couple huddled together 50814on the hide of a deer and they too were blessed with a very healthy 50815baby son. But a third couple, whose favorite animal was a hippopotamus, 50816were blessed with not one, but TWO very healthy baby sons at the conclusion 50817of the nine month interval. All of which proves the old theorem that: 50818The sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of 50819the squaws of the other two hides. 50820% 50821There was, it appeared, a mysterious rite of initiation through which, 50822in one way or another, almost every member of the team passed. The term 50823that the old hands used for this rite -- West invented the term, not the 50824practice -- was `signing up.' By signing up for the project you agreed 50825to do whatever was necessary for success. You agreed to forsake, if 50826necessary, family, hobbies, and friends -- if you had any of these left 50827(and you might not, if you had signed up too many times before). 50828 -- Tracy Kidder, "The Soul of a New Machine" 50829% 50830There was this New Yorker that had a lifelong ambition to be a Texan. 50831Fortunately, he had a Texan friend and went to him for advice. "Mike, 50832you know I've always wanted to be a Texan. You're a *real* Texan, what 50833should I do?" 50834 "Well," answered Mike, "The first thing you've got to do is look 50835like a Texan. That means you have to dress right. The second thing 50836you've got to do is speak in a southern drawl." 50837 "Thanks, Mike, I'll give it a try," replied the New Yorker. 50838 A few weeks passed and the New Yorker saunters into a store dressed 50839in a ten-gallon hat, cowboy boots, Levi jeans and a bandanna. "Hey, there, 50840pardner, I'd like some beef, not too rare, and some of them fresh biscuits," 50841he tells the counterman. 50842 The guy behind the counter takes a long look at him and then says, 50843"You must be from New York." 50844 The New Yorker blushes, and says, "Well, yes, I am. How did 50845you know?" 50846 "Because this is a hardware store." 50847% 50848There were in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of 50849the two had the following record: the Vietnam War, Watergate, double- 50850digit inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the 508518-cent postcard. The second was responsible for such things as the 50852transistor, the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity 50853stereo recording, sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative 50854feedback, magnetic tape, magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching 50855systems, microwave radio and TV relay systems, information theory, the 50856first electrical digital computer, and the first communications 50857satellite. Guess which one got to tell the other how to run the 50858telephone business? 50859% 50860There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when 50861the boss asks for a lift home from the office. 50862% 50863There will be big changes for you but you will be happy. 50864% 50865There will be sex after death, we just won't be able to feel it. 50866 -- Lily Tomlin 50867% 50868Therefore it is necessary to learn how not to be good, and to use 50869this knowledge and not use it, according to the necessity of the cause. 50870 -- Machiavelli 50871% 50872There's a couple of million dollars worth of baseball talent on the loose, 50873ready for the big leagues, yet unsigned by any major league. There are 50874pitchers who would win 20 games a season ... and outfielders [who] could 50875hit .350, infielders who could win recognition as stars, and there's at 50876least one catcher who at this writing is probably superior to Bill Dickey, 50877Josh Gibson. Only one thing is keeping them out of the big leagues, the 50878pigmentation of their skin. They happen to be colored. 50879 -- Shirley Povich, 1941 50880% 50881There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not 50882a fence. 50883% 50884There's a lesson that I need to remember 50885When everything is falling apart 50886In life, just like in loving 50887There's such a thing as trying to hard 50888 50889You've gotta sing 50890Like you don't need the money 50891Love like you'll never get hurt 50892You've gotta dance 50893Like nobody's watching 50894It's gotta come from the heart 50895If you want it to work. 50896 -- Kathy Mattea 50897% 50898There's a long-standing bug relating to the x86 architecture that 50899allows you to install Windows. 50900 -- Matthew D. Fuller 50901% 50902There's a lot to be said for not saying a lot. 50903% 50904There's a man deeply in debt, see, and he takes the money he has left 50905and goes to Monte Carlo to try to recoup at the roulette tables. Won a 50906little, lost a lot, and was down to his last franc. Prayed for help. 50907A voice whispered in his ear: "Le rouge..." Man looked around; nobody 50908there. What the hell -- he puts his last franc on the red, and it won. 50909The voice immediately said, "Encore le rouge..." Played red again, and 50910it won again. The voice said, "Impair..." Played odd, and it won. Voice 50911said, "Quinze..." so he put all the money on 15, and it won. This went 50912on for hours, the voice telling him what to bet, and the man putting all 50913his money on what the voice said, and winning. Finally when the voice 50914spoke, the man protested that he'd won millions of dollars and wanted to 50915quit. The voice was inexorable: "Douze..." The man put the money on 12, 50916and 11 came up -- he had lost everything -- the voice murmured "Merde!!" 50917% 50918There's a thrill in store for all for we're about to toast 50919The corporation that we represent. 50920We're here to cheer each pioneer and also proudly boast, 50921Of that man of men our sterling president 50922The name of T. J. Watson means 50923A courage none can stem 50924And we feel honored to be here to toast the IBM. 50925 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook 50926% 50927There's a trick to the Graceful Exit. It begins with the vision to 50928recognize when a job, a life stage, a relationship is over -- and to 50929let go. It means leaving what's over without denying its validity 50930or its past importance in our lives. It involves a sense of future, 50931a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving on, 50932rather than out. The trick of retiring well may be the trick of 50933living well. It's hard to recognize that life isn't a holding 50934action, but a process. It's hard to learn that we don't leave the 50935best parts of ourselves behind, back in the dugout or the office. 50936We own what we learned back there. The experiences and the growth 50937are grafted onto our lives. And when we exit, we can take ourselves 50938along -- quite gracefully. 50939 -- Ellen Goodman 50940% 50941There's a whole WORLD in a mud puddle! 50942 -- Doug Clifford 50943% 50944There's always free cheese in a mousetrap. 50945% 50946There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to. 50947% 50948There's been no top authority saying what marijuana does to you. I really 50949don't know that much about it. I tried it once but it didn't do anything 50950to me. 50951 -- John Wayne 50952% 50953There's got to be more to life than compile-and-go. 50954% 50955There's just something I don't like about Virginia; the state. 50956% 50957There's little in taking or giving, 50958 There's little in water or wine: 50959This living, this living, this living, 50960 Was never a project of mine. 50961Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is 50962 The gain of the one at the top, 50963For art is a form of catharsis, 50964 And love is a permanent flop, 50965And work is the province of cattle, 50966 And rest's for a clam in a shell, 50967So I'm thinking of throwing the battle -- 50968 Would you kindly direct me to hell? 50969 -- Dorothy Parker 50970% 50971There's no easy quick way out, we're gonna have to live through our 50972whole lives, win, lose, or draw. 50973 -- Walt Kelly 50974% 50975There's no justice in this world. 50976 -- Frank Costello, on the prosecution of "Lucky" Luciano 50977 by New York district attorney Thomas Dewey after 50978 Luciano had saved Dewey from assassination by Dutch 50979 Schultz (by ordering the assassination of Schultz 50980 instead) 50981% 50982There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes. 50983 -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who" 50984% 50985There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get 50986any worse. 50987% 50988There's no room in the drug world for amateurs. 50989 -- Raoul Duke 50990% 50991There's no saint like a reformed sinner. 50992% 50993There's no sense in being precise when you don't even know 50994what you're talking about. 50995 -- John von Neumann 50996% 50997There's no such thing as an original sin. 50998 -- Elvis Costello 50999% 51000There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government 51001working for you. 51002 -- Will Rogers 51003% 51004There's no use being precise about something 51005when you don't even know what you're talking about. 51006 -- John von Neumann 51007% 51008There's no use in having a dog and doing your own barking. 51009% 51010There's nothing in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead 51011armadillos. 51012 -- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner 51013% 51014There's nothing like a girl with a plunging 51015neckline to keep a man on his toes. 51016% 51017There's nothing like a good dose of another woman to make a man 51018appreciate his wife. 51019 -- Clare Booth Luce 51020% 51021There's nothing like good food, good wine, and a bad girl. 51022% 51023There's nothing like the face of a kid eating a Hershey bar. 51024% 51025There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right 51026keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself. 51027 -- J. S. Bach 51028% 51029There's nothing so precious as a cafe full of Gap kiddies trying to 51030work out whether you're really wearing rubber pants. 51031 -- Mike Smith 51032% 51033There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit at a typewriter 51034and open a vein. 51035 -- Red Smith 51036% 51037There's nothing very mysterious about you, except that 51038nobody really knows your origin, purpose, or destination. 51039% 51040There's nothing worse for your business than 51041extra Santa Clauses smoking in the men's room. 51042 -- W. Bossert 51043% 51044There's nothing wrong with teenagers that 51045reasoning with them won't aggravate. 51046% 51047There's one consolation about matrimony. When you look around you can 51048always see somebody who did worse. 51049 -- Warren H. Goldsmith 51050% 51051There's one fool at least in every married couple. 51052% 51053There's only one everything. 51054% 51055There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn 51056what it is I'll get married again. 51057 -- Clint Eastwood 51058% 51059There's small choice in rotten apples. 51060 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew" 51061% 51062There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is 51063becoming an endangered synthetic. 51064 -- Lily Tomlin 51065% 51066There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me. 51067% 51068There's something different about us -- different from people of Europe, 51069Africa, Asia ... a deep and abiding belief in the Easter Bunny. 51070 -- G. Gordon Liddy 51071% 51072There's something the technicians need to learn from the artists. 51073If it isn't aesthetically pleasing, it's probably wrong. 51074% 51075There's such a thing as too much point on a pencil. 51076 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow" 51077% 51078There's too much beauty upon this earth for lonely men to bear. 51079 -- Richard Le Gallienne 51080% 51081These activities have their own rules and methods 51082of concealment which seek to mislead and obscure. 51083 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, 1960 51084% 51085"These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!" 51086"These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!" 51087"These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP 51088out of MEGATON MAN!" 51089% 51090These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what they 51091used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink. 51092% 51093They also serve who only stand and wait. 51094 -- John Milton 51095% 51096They also surf who only stand on waves. 51097% 51098They are called computers simply because computation is 51099the only significant job that has so far been given to them. 51100% 51101They are cold-blooded. They are completely ruthless about protecting 51102what they have. The only thing they connect to is the money aspect of 51103life. Let's face it: That's the American way. 51104 -- Jeffrey M. Johnson, regional chairman of the District 51105 of Columbia United Way, speaking of drug dealers. 51106% 51107They are ill discoverers that think there is no land, 51108when they can see nothing but sea. 51109 -- Francis Bacon 51110% 51111They are relatively good but absolutely terrible. 51112 -- Alan Kay, commenting on Apollos 51113% 51114They call them "squares" because it's the 51115most complicated shape they can deal with. 51116% 51117They can't stop us... we're on a mission from God! 51118 -- The Blues Brothers 51119% 51120They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist... 51121 -- Civil War General John Sedgwick, his last words, 51122 Battle of Spotsylvania Court House, 1864 51123% 51124They don't know how the world is shaped. And so they give it a shape, and 51125try to make everything fit it. They separate the right from the left, the 51126man from the woman, the plant from the animal, the sun from the moon. They 51127only want to count to two. 51128 -- Emma Bull, "Bone Dance" 51129% 51130They don't suffer. They can't even speak English. 51131 -- George F. Baer, answering a reporter's 51132 question about the suffering of starving miners. 51133% 51134They finally got King Midas, I hear. Gild by association. 51135% 51136They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps. 51137 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost" 51138% 51139They have their datasheets translated from Korean into English by 51140Russians with Greek->German dictionaries 51141 -- Philip Paeps, on modern hardware documentation 51142% 51143They just buzzed and buzzed...buzzed. 51144% 51145They make a desert and call it peace. 51146 -- Tacitus (55?-120?) 51147% 51148They say it's the responsibility of the media to look at government -- 51149especially the president -- with a microscope. I don't argue with that, 51150but when they use a proctoscope, it's going too far. 51151 -- Richard M. Nixon 51152% 51153They seem to have learned the habit of cowering before authority even when 51154not actually threatened. How very nice for authority. I decided not to 51155learn this particular lesson. 51156 -- Richard Stallman 51157% 51158They sentenced me to twenty years of boredom for trying to change the 51159system from within. I'm coming now I'm coming to reward them. First 51160we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin. 51161 51162I'm guided by a signal in the heavens. I'm guided by this birthmark on 51163my skin. I'm guided by the beauty of our weapons. First we take Manhattan, 51164then we take Berlin. 51165 51166I'd really like to live beside you, baby. I love your body and your spirit 51167and your clothes. But you see that line there moving through the station? 51168I told you I told you I told you I was one of those. 51169 -- Leonard Cohen, "First We Take Manhattan" 51170% 51171They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners 51172always spell better than they pronounce. 51173 -- Mark Twain 51174% 51175They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary 51176safety deserve neither liberty nor safety. 51177 -- Benjamin Franklin, 1759 51178% 51179They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them! 51180% 51181They told me you had proven it When they discovered our results 51182About a month before. Their hair began to curl 51183The proof was valid, more or less Instead of understanding it 51184But rather less than more. We'd run the thing through PRL. 51185 51186He sent them word that we would try Don't tell a soul about all this 51187To pass where they had failed For it must ever be 51188And after we were done, to them A secret, kept from all the rest 51189The new proof would be mailed. Between yourself and me. 51190 51191My notion was to start again 51192Ignoring all they'd done 51193We quickly turned it into code 51194To see if it would run. 51195% 51196They took some of the Van Goghs, most 51197of the jewels, and all of the Chivas! 51198% 51199They Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat 51200 -- Book title by Lewis Grizzard 51201% 51202They use different words for things in America. 51203For instance they say elevator and we say lift. 51204They say drapes and we say curtains. 51205They say president and we say brain damaged git. 51206 -- Alexie Sayle 51207% 51208They went rushing down that freeway, 51209Messed around and got lost. 51210They didn't care... they were just dying to get off, 51211And it was life in the fast lane. 51212 -- Eagles, "Life in the Fast Lane" 51213% 51214They will only cause the lower classes to move about needlessly. 51215 -- The Duke of Wellington, on early steam railroads 51216% 51217They wouldn't listen to the fact that I was a genius, 51218The man said "We got all that we can use", 51219So I've got those steadily-depressin', low-down, mind-messin', 51220Working-at-the-car-wash blues. 51221 -- Jim Croce 51222% 51223They're an insidious bunch, your killer pianos. Had one get loose on me 51224back in '62. It slipped out of the cables while we were lowering it out 51225of its twelfth story apartment, and crushed six innocents in an insane bid 51226for freedom. 51227 -- Stig's Inferno 51228% 51229They're basically very smelly houseplants until they get to the crawling 51230age. You're constantly terrified that they're going to randomly die on 51231you, but the rules for preventing that outcome are straightforward and 51232hard to forget. 51233 -- Thomas Ptacek, giving advice to a new father 51234% 51235They're giving bank robbing a bad name. 51236 -- John Dillinger, on Bonnie and Clyde 51237% 51238They're just jealous because they don't have three 51239wise men and a virgin in the whole organization. 51240 -- Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci, on the 51241 ACLU's suit to have a city nativity scene removed. 51242% 51243They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid! 51244% 51245They're unfriendly, which is fortunate, really. They'd be difficult 51246to like. 51247 -- Avon 51248% 51249Thieves respect property; they merely wish the property to become 51250their property that they may more perfectly respect it. 51251 -- G. K. Chesterton, "The Man Who Was Thursday" 51252% 51253Things are more like they are today than they ever were before. 51254 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower 51255% 51256Things are more like they used to be than they are now. 51257% 51258Things are not always what they seem. 51259 -- Phaedrus 51260% 51261Things Charles Darwin did not say: 51262 51263Finches, eh? Seen one, seem 'em all. 51264% 51265Things Charles Darwin did not say: 51266 51267Nah, it's only a theory - I don't think it should be taught in schools. 51268% 51269Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold. 51270% 51271Things past redress and now with me past care. 51272 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II" 51273% 51274Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face. 51275% 51276Things will get better despite our efforts to improve them. 51277 -- Will Rogers 51278% 51279Things worth having are worth cheating for. 51280% 51281Think big. Pollute the Mississippi. 51282% 51283Think honk if you're a telepath. 51284% 51285Think lucky. If you fall in a pond, check your pockets for fish. 51286 -- Darrell Royal 51287% 51288Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.! 51289% 51290Think of your family tonight. Try to crawl home after the computer 51291crashes. 51292% 51293Think sideways! 51294 -- Ed De Bono 51295% 51296Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click". 51297% 51298Thinking you know something is a sure way to blind yourself. 51299 -- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune" 51300% 51301Thinks't thou existence doth depend on time? 51302It doth; but actions are our epochs; mine 51303Have made my days and nights imperishable, 51304Endless, and all alike, as sands on the shore, 51305Innumerable atoms; and one desert, 51306Barren and cold, on which the wild waves break, 51307But nothing rests, save carcasses and wrecks, 51308Rocks, and the salt-surf weeds of bitterness. 51309% 51310Thirteen at a table is unlucky only 51311when the hostess has only twelve chops. 51312 -- Groucho Marx 51313% 51314Thirty days hath Septober, 51315April, June, and no wonder. 51316all the rest have peanut butter 51317except my father who wears red suspenders. 51318% 51319Thirty white horses on a red hill, 51320First they champ, 51321Then they stamp, 51322Then they stand still. 51323 -- Tolkien 51324% 51325This ae nighte, this ae nighte, 51326Everye nighte and alle, 51327Fire and sleet and candlelyte, 51328And Christe receive thy saule. 51329 -- The Lykewake Dirge 51330% 51331This "brain-damaged" epithet is getting sorely overworked. When we can 51332speak of someone or something being flawed, impaired, marred, spoiled; 51333batty, bedlamite, bonkers, buggy, cracked, crazed, cuckoo, daft, demented, 51334deranged, loco, lunatic, mad, maniac, mindless, non compos mentis, nuts, 51335Reaganite, screwy, teched, unbalanced, unsound, witless, wrong; senseless, 51336spastic, spasmodic, convulsive; doped, spaced-out, stoned, zonked; {beef, 51337beetle,block,dung,thick}headed, dense, doltish, dull, duncical, numskulled, 51338pinhead; asinine, fatuous, foolish, silly, simple; brute, lumbering, oafish; 51339half-assed, incompetent; backward, retarded, imbecilic, moronic; when we have 51340a whole precisely nuanced vocabulary of intellectual abuse to draw upon, 51341individually and in combination, isn't it a little <fill in the blank> to be 51342limited to a single, now quite trite, adjective? 51343% 51344This door is baroquen, please wiggle Handel. 51345(If I wiggle Handel, will it wiggle Bach?) 51346 -- Found on a door in the MSU music building 51347% 51348This dungeon is owned and operated by Frobazz Magic Co., Ltd. 51349% 51350This email and any files transmitted with it are confidential and 51351intended solely for the use of the individual or entity to which they 51352are addressed. If you are not the intended recipient of this 51353transmission, please delete it immediately. 51354 51355Obviously, I am the idiot who sent it to you by mistake. Furthermore, 51356there is no way I can force you to delete it. Worse, by the time you 51357have reached this disclaimer you have already read the document. 51358Telling you to forget it would seem absurd. In any event, I have no 51359legal right to force you to take any action upon this email anyway. 51360 51361This entire disclaimer is just a waste of everyone's time and 51362bandwidth. Therefore, let us just forget the whole thing and enjoy a 51363cold beer instead. 51364 -- found on the dovecot mailinglist 51365% 51366This file will self-destruct in five minutes. 51367% 51368This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate 51369need, please use the program "randchar". This program generates 51370random characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come 51371up with something profound. It will, however, take it no time at 51372all to be more profound than THIS program has ever been. 51373% 51374This Fortune Examined By INSPECTOR NO. 2-14 51375% 51376This fortune intentionally not included. 51377% 51378This fortune intentionally says nothing. 51379% 51380This fortune is dedicated to your mother, without whose 51381invaluable assistance last night would never have been possible. 51382% 51383This fortune is encrypted -- get your decoder rings ready! 51384% 51385This fortune is false. 51386% 51387This fortune is inoperative. Please try another. 51388% 51389This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory. 51390% 51391This fortune was brought to you by the people at Hewlett-Packard. 51392% 51393This fortune would be seven words long if it were six words shorter. 51394% 51395This generation doesn't have emotional baggage. 51396We have emotional moving vans. 51397 -- Bruce Feirstein 51398% 51399This guy runs into his house and yells to his wife, "Kathy, pack up your 51400bags! I just won the California lottery!" 51401 "Honey!", Kathy exclaims, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" 51402 "I don't care," responds the husband. "just so long as you're out 51403of the house by dinner!" 51404% 51405This is a country where people are free to practice their religion, 51406regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling keys... 51407% 51408This is a good time to punt work. 51409% 51410This is a job for BOB VIOLENCE and SCUM, the INCREDIBLY STUPID MUTANT 51411DOG. 51412 -- Bob Violence 51413% 51414This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. If this had been an 51415actual emergency, do you really think we'd stick around to tell you? 51416% 51417This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. 51418Had there been an actual emergency, then you would no longer be here. 51419% 51420This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly, 51421because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under 51422which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has 51423"deregulated" the airline industry. What this means for you, the 51424consumer, is that the airlines are no longer required to follow any 51425rules whatsoever. They can show snuff movies. They can charge for 51426oxygen. They can hire pilots right out of Vending Machine Refill 51427Person School. They can conserve fuel by ejecting husky passengers 51428over water. They can ram competing planes in mid-air. These 51429innovations have resulted in tremendous cost savings which have been 51430passed along to you, the consumer, in the form of flights with 51431amazingly low fares, such as $29. Of course, certain restrictions do 51432apply, the main one being that all these flights take you to Newark, 51433and you must pay thousands of dollars if you want to fly back out. 51434 -- Dave Barry, "Iowa -- Land of Secure Vacations" 51435% 51436This is an unauthorized cybernetic announcement. 51437% 51438This is Betty Frenel. I don't know whom to call but I can't reach my 51439Food-a-holics partner. I'm at Vido's on my second pizza with sausage 51440and mushroom. Jim, come and get me! 51441% 51442This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists, 51443and not enough hunchbacks. 51444% 51445This is for all ill-treated fellows 51446 Unborn and unbegot, 51447For them to read when they're in trouble 51448 And I am not. 51449 -- A. E. Housman 51450% 51451This is Jim Rockford. 51452At the tone leave your name and message; I'll get back to you. 51453% 51454This is lemma 1.1. We start a new chapter so the numbers all go back 51455to one. 51456 -- Prof. Seager, C&O 351 51457% 51458This is Maria, Liberty Bail Bonds. Your client, Todd Lieman, skipped and 51459his bail is forfeit. That's the pink slip on your '74 Firebird, I believe. 51460Sorry, Jim, bring it on over. 51461% 51462This is Marilyn Reed, I wanta talk to you... Is this a machine? 51463I don't talk to machines! [Click] 51464% 51465This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week. 51466% 51467This is NOT a repeat. 51468% 51469This is not the age of pamphleteers. It is the age of the engineers. The 51470spark-gap is mightier than the pen. Democracy will not be salvaged by men 51471who talk fluently, debate forcefully and quote aptly. 51472 -- Lancelot Hogben, Science for the Citizen, 1938 51473% 51474THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM 51475 51476If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your 51477contribution of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue 51478without your support. Less than 14% of all fortune users are 51479contributors. That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride. We 51480can't go on like this much longer. Federal cutbacks mean less money 51481for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase to make up the 51482difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between midnight 51483and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to 51484"fortune". Just type in your favorite pithy saying. Do it now before 51485you forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week. 51486Don't miss out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute 5148730 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The 51488Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide. If you contribute 50 or 51489more, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug ... 51490% 51491This is supposed to be a happy occasion. 51492Let's not BICKER and ARGUE over who killed who! 51493% 51494This is the Baron. Angel Martin tells me you buy information. Ok, 51495meet me at one a.m. behind the bus depot, bring five-hundred dollars 51496and come alone. I'm serious! 51497% 51498This is the first age that's paid much attention to the future, 51499which is a little ironic since we may not have one. 51500 -- Arthur C. Clarke 51501% 51502This is the first numerical problem I ever did. It demonstrates the 51503power of computers: 51504 51505Enter lots of data on calorie & nutritive content of foods. Instruct 51506the thing to maximize a function describing nutritive content, with a 51507minimum level of each component, for fixed caloric content. The 51508results are that one should eat each day: 51509 51510 1/2 chicken 51511 1 egg 51512 1 glass of skim milk 51513 27 heads of lettuce. 51514 -- Rev. Adrian Melott 51515% 51516This is the ____LAST time I take travel suggestions from Ray Bradbury! 51517% 51518This is the sort of English up with which I will not put. 51519 -- Winston Churchill 51520% 51521This is the story of the bee 51522Whose sex is very hard to see 51523 51524You cannot tell the he from the she 51525But she can tell, and so can he 51526 51527The little bee is never still 51528She has no time to take the pill 51529 51530And that is why, in times like these 51531There are so many sons of bees. 51532% 51533This is the theory that Jack built. 51534This is the flaw that lay in the theory that Jack built. 51535This is the palpable verbal haze that hid the flaw that lay in... 51536% 51537This is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. 51538And now you know why. 51539% 51540This is the way the world ends, 51541This is the way the world ends, 51542This is the way the world ends, 51543Not with a bang but with a whimper. 51544 -- T. S. Eliot, "The Hollow Men" 51545% 51546This is your fortune. 51547% 51548This isn't right. This isn't even wrong. 51549 -- Wolfgang Pauli, on a colleague's paper 51550% 51551This isn't true in practice -- what we've missed out is Stradivarius's 51552constant. And then the aside: "For those of you who don't know, that's 51553been called by others the fiddle factor..." 51554 -- From a 1B Electrical Engineering lecture 51555% 51556This land is full of trousers! 51557this land is full of mausers! 51558 And pussycats to eat them when the sun goes down! 51559 -- The Firesign Theatre 51560% 51561This land is made of mountains, 51562This land is made of mud, 51563This land has lots of everything, 51564For me and Elmer Fudd. 51565 51566This land has lots of trousers, 51567This land has lots of mousers, 51568And pussycats to eat them 51569When the sun goes down. 51570% 51571This land is my land, and only my land, 51572I've got a shotgun, and you ain't got one, 51573If you don't get off, I'll blow your head off, 51574This land is private property. 51575 -- Apologies to Woody Guthrie 51576% 51577This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual life, 51578you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where 51579to go. 51580% 51581This life is yours. Some of it was given 51582to you; the rest, you made yourself. 51583% 51584This login session: $13.99 51585% 51586This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88 51587% 51588This must be morning. I never could get the hang of mornings. 51589% 51590This night methinks is but the daylight sick. 51591 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" 51592% 51593This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with 51594great force. 51595 -- Dorothy Parker 51596% 51597This one is for all you military types. For those who don't know, Rangers 51598are *extremely* well trained members of the U.S. Army. Marines are people 51599who start out as normal soldiers and then are made to believe that bullets 51600don't actually hurt. 51601 One day a platoon of Marines are on patrol when they come upon a 51602Ranger relaxing on top of a small hill. The Ranger puts his hands on his 51603hips and screams out, "Do any of you seaweed sucking jarheads think you're 51604man enough to take me on?" 51605 The biggest Marine comes running up the hill, screaming back at the 51606Ranger. When he gets to the top he simply plows into his foe and the two 51607tumble down the other side of the hill, out of sight. There is the sound of 51608a horrendous fight for a moment or two, and then all is quiet. Soon, the 51609Ranger reappears, quite untouched. He puts his hands on his hips and sneers, 51610"Well, looks to me like one of you couldn't do it, how about the rest?" 51611 The enraged Marine platoon leader sends his entire platoon (30+men) 51612charging after the Ranger. They all go tumbling down the far side of the hill. 51613After 15 minutes of screaming and yelling and cursing a lone, bloodied Marine 51614crawls over the top of the hill. The platoon leader yells up to his man, 51615"What's going on up there?" The wounded Marine, with his last bit of breath, 51616replies, "Sir, it's a... a trap, sir. They're two of them!" 51617% 51618This place just isn't big enough for all of us. We've 51619got to find a way off this planet. 51620% 51621This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of 51622the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many 51623solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were 51624largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, 51625which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of 51626paper that were unhappy. 51627 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 51628% 51629This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does 51630something child-like. 51631 -- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington 51632% 51633This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real 51634persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some 51635assembly may be required. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during 51636shipment. Use only as directed. May be too intense for some viewers. If 51637condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside. 51638Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. Not responsible for direct, 51639indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error 51640or failure to perform. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Substantial 51641penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Your cancelled 51642check is your receipt. Avoid contact with skin. Employees and their families 51643are not eligible. Beware of dog. Driver does not carry cash. Limited time 51644offer, call now to ensure prompt delivery. Use only in well-ventilated area. 51645Keep away from fire or flame. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does 51646not include taxes, dealer prep, or delivery. Penalty for private use. Call 51647toll free before digging. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product 51648appear for identification purposes only. All models over 18 years of age. Do 51649not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be 51650paid by addressee. Apply only to affected area. One size fits all. Many 51651suitcases look alike. Edited for television. No solicitors. Reproduction 51652strictly prohibited. Restaurant package, not for resale. Objects in mirror 51653are closer than they appear. Decision of judges is final. This supersedes 51654all previous notices. No other warranty expressed or implied. 51655% 51656This quote is taken from the Diamondback, the University of Maryland 51657student newspaper, of Tuesday, 3/10/87. 51658 51659 One disadvantage of the Univac system is that it does not use 51660 Unix, a recently developed program which translates from one 51661 computer language to another and has a built-in editing system 51662 which identifies errors in the original program. 51663% 51664This sad little lizard told me that he was a brontosaurus on his 51665mother's side. I did not laugh; people who boast of ancestry 51666often have little else to sustain them. Humoring them costs nothing and 51667adds happiness in a world in which happiness is always in short supply. 51668 -- Lazarus Long 51669% 51670This screen intentionally left blank. 51671% 51672This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't. 51673 -- Douglas Hofstadter 51674% 51675This sentence does in fact not have the property it claims not to have. 51676% 51677This sentence no verb. 51678% 51679This system will self-destruct in five minutes. 51680% 51681This thing all things devours: 51682Birds, beasts, trees, flowers; 51683Gnaws iron, bites steel; 51684Grinds hard stones to meal; 51685Slays king, ruins town, 51686And beats high mountain down. 51687% 51688This unit... must... survive. 51689% 51690This universe shipped by weight, not by volume. Some expansion of the 51691contents may have occurred during shipment. 51692% 51693This was a Golden Age, a time of high adventure, rich living, and hard 51694dying... but nobody thought so. This was a future of fortune and theft, 51695pillage and rapine, culture and vice... but nobody admitted it. 51696 -- Alfred Bester, "The Stars My Destination" 51697% 51698This was the most unkindest cut of all. 51699 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 51700% 51701This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. 51702This was terrible with raisins in it. 51703 -- Dorothy Parker 51704% 51705This week only, all our fiber-fill jackets are marked down! 51706% 51707This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it. 51708% 51709This yuppie, see, was in a car wreck. His BMW was mangled, and so was he. 51710The paramedic was leaning over him getting his vitals, and all the yup 51711could groan was "My BMW! My BMW!" 51712 The paramedic tried to quiet the man, pointing out that his car 51713wasn't his chief concern at the moment, especially as he'd been rearranged 51714pretty badly himself -- for example, his left arm was severed at the elbow 51715and was lying about twenty feet away. 51716 There was a moment of stunned silence from the yup followed by 51717"Oh no! My Rolex! My Rolex!" 51718% 51719Those lovable Brits department: 51720 They also have trouble pronouncing `vitamin'. 51721% 51722Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those 51723of us who do. 51724% 51725Those of you who think you know it all upset those of us who do. 51726% 51727Those parts of the system that you can hit with a hammer (not advised) 51728are called hardware; those program instructions that you can only curse 51729at are called software. 51730 -- Levitating Trains and Kamikaze Genes: Technological 51731 Literacy for the 1990's. 51732% 51733Those who are mentally and emotionally healthy are those who have 51734learned when to say yes, when to say no and when to say whoopee. 51735 -- W. S. Krabill 51736% 51737Those who believe in astrology are living in houses with foundations of 51738Silly Putty. 51739 -- Dennis Rawlins 51740% 51741Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate. 51742% 51743Those who can, do; those who can't, write. 51744Those who can't write work for the Bell Labs Record. 51745% 51746Those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities. 51747 -- Voltaire 51748% 51749Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. 51750 -- George Santayana 51751% 51752Those who can't write, write manuals. 51753% 51754Those who claim the dead never return 51755to life haven't ever been around here at quitting time. 51756% 51757Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics. 51758 -- French Proverb 51759% 51760Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly. 51761 -- Henry Spencer 51762% 51763Those who do things in a noble spirit of 51764self-sacrifice are to be avoided at all costs. 51765 -- N. Alexander 51766% 51767Those who educate children well are more to be honored than parents, 51768for these only gave life, those the art of living well. 51769 -- Aristotle 51770% 51771Those who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often 51772surprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law. 51773 -- Mark B. Cohen 51774% 51775Those who have had no share in the good fortunes of the mighty 51776Often have a share in their misfortunes. 51777 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Caucasian Chalk Circle" 51778% 51779Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the 51780world is love. The poor know that it is money. 51781 -- Gerald Brenan 51782% 51783Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose. 51784% 51785Those who make peaceful revolution impossible 51786will make violent revolution inevitable. 51787 -- John F. Kennedy 51788% 51789Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet depreciate agitation, are 51790men who want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean 51791without the roar of its many waters. 51792 -- Frederick Douglass 51793% 51794Those who sweat in flames of hell, Leaden eared, some thought their bowels 51795Here's the reason that they fell: Lispeth forth the sweetest vowels. 51796While on earth they prayed in SAS, These they offered up in praise 51797PL/1, or other crass, Thinking all this fetid haze 51798Vulgar tongue. A rhapsody sung. 51799 51800Some the lord did sorely try Jabber of the mindless horde 51801Assembling all their pleas in hex. Sequel next did mock the lord 51802Speech as crabbed as devil's crable Slothful sequel so enfangled 51803Hex that marked on Tower Babel Its speaker's lips became entangled 51804The highest rung. In his bung. 51805 51806Because in life they prayed so ill 51807And offered god such swinish swill 51808Now they sweat in flames of hell 51809Sweat from lack of APL 51810Sweat dung! 51811% 51812Those who talk don't know. Those who don't talk, know. 51813% 51814Thou hast seen nothing yet. 51815 -- Miguel de Cervantes 51816% 51817Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to 51818be maintained. 51819 -- The Tao of Programming 51820% 51821Though I respect that a lot 51822I'd be fired if that were my job 51823After killing Jason off and 51824Countless screaming argonauts 51825 51826Bluebird of friendliness 51827Like guardian angels it's 51828Always near 51829 51830Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch 51831Who watches over you 51832Make a little birdhouse in your soul 51833Not to put too fine a point on it 51834Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet 51835Make a little birdhouse in your soul 51836 51837 -- "Birdhouse in your Soul", They Might Be Giants 51838% 51839Thrashing is just virtual crashing. 51840% 51841Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are 51842the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with 51843Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether -- 51844whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation ... A 51845fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any 51846more about the matter than the others. 51847 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 51848% 51849Three hours a day will produce as much as a man ought to write. 51850 -- Trollope 51851% 51852Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead. 51853 -- Benjamin Franklin 51854% 51855Three Midwesterners, a Kansan, a Missourian and an Iowan, 51856all appearing on a quiz program, were asked to complete this sentence: 51857"Old MacDonald had a . . ." 51858 51859 "Old MacDonald had a carburetor," answered the Kansan. 51860 "Sorry, that's wrong," the game show host said. 51861 "Old MacDonald had a free brake alignment down at the 51862 service station," said the Missourian. 51863 "Wrong." 51864 "Old MacDonald had a farm," said the Iowan. 51865 "CORRECT!" shouts the quizmaster. "Now for $100,000, spell `farm.'" 51866 "Easy," said the Iowan. "E-I-E-I-O." 51867% 51868Three minutes' thought would suffice to find this out; but thought 51869is irksome and three minutes is a long time. 51870 -- A. E. Housman 51871% 51872Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too 51873late or a little too early for anything you want to do. 51874 -- Jean-Paul Sartre 51875% 51876Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky, 51877Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone, 51878Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die, 51879One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne 51880In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie. 51881One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, 51882One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them 51883In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie. 51884 -- J. R. R. Tolkien, "The Lord of the Rings" 51885% 51886Three rules for sounding like an expert: 51887 1. Oversimplify your explanations to the point of uselessness. 51888 2. Always point out second-order effects, 51889 but never point out when they can be ignored. 51890 3. Come up with three rules of your own. 51891% 51892Throw away documentation and manuals, 51893and users will be a hundred times happier. 51894Throw away privileges and quotas, 51895and users will do the Right Thing. 51896Throw away proprietary and site licenses, 51897and there won't be any pirating. 51898 51899If these three aren't enough, 51900just stay at your home directory 51901and let all processes take their course. 51902% 51903Thus mathematics may be defined as the subject in which we never know 51904what we are talking about, nor whether what we are saying is true. 51905 -- Bertrand Russell 51906% 51907Thus spake the master programmer: 51908 "A well-written program is its own heaven; a poorly-written program 51909 is its own hell." 51910 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 51911% 51912Thus spake the master programmer: 51913 "After three days without programming, life becomes meaningless." 51914 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 51915% 51916Thus spake the master programmer: 51917 "Let the programmer be many and the managers few -- then all will 51918 be productive." 51919 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 51920% 51921Thus spake the master programmer: 51922 "Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to 51923 be maintained." 51924 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 51925% 51926Thus spake the master programmer: 51927 "Time for you to leave." 51928 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 51929% 51930Thus spake the master programmer: 51931 "When program is being tested, it is too late to make design changes." 51932 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 51933% 51934Thus spake the master programmer: 51935 "When you have learned to snatch the error code from 51936 the trap frame, it will be time for you to leave." 51937 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 51938% 51939Thus spake the master programmer: 51940 "Without the wind, the grass does not move. Without software, 51941 hardware is useless." 51942 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 51943% 51944Thus spake the master programmer: 51945 "You can demonstrate a program for a corporate executive, but you 51946 can't make him computer literate." 51947 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 51948% 51949Thyme's Law: 51950 Everything goes wrong at once. 51951% 51952Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day 51953Fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way 51954Kicking around on a piece of ground in your hometown 51955Waiting for someone or something to show you the way 51956 51957Tired of lying in the sunshine And then one day you find 51958Staying home to watch the rain Ten years have got behind you 51959You are young and life is long No one told you when to run 51960And there is time to kill today You missed the starting gun 51961 51962And you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking 51963And racing around to come up behind you again 51964The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older 51965Shorter of breath and one day closer to death 51966 51967Every year is getting shorter Hanging on in quiet desperation 51968 is the English way 51969Never seem to find the time The time is gone, the song is over 51970Plans that either come to nought Thought I'd something more to say... 51971Or half a page of scribbled lines 51972 -- Pink Floyd, "Time" 51973% 51974Tiddely Quiddely 51975Edward M. Kennedy 51976Quite unaccountably 51977Drove in a stream. 51978 51979Pleas of amnesia 51980Incomprehensible 51981Possibly shattered 51982Political dream. 51983% 51984Tiger got to hunt, 51985Bird got to fly; 51986Man got to sit and wonder, "Why, why, why?" 51987 51988Tiger got to sleep, 51989Bird got to land; 51990Man got to tell himself he understand. 51991 -- The Books of Bokonon 51992% 51993Time and tide wait for no man. 51994% 51995Time as he grows old teaches all things. 51996 -- Aeschylus 51997% 51998Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana. 51999% 52000Time goes, you say? 52001Ah no! 52002Time stays, *we* go. 52003 -- Austin Dobson 52004% 52005Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils. 52006 -- Hector Berlioz 52007% 52008Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so. 52009 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 52010% 52011Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space. 52012% 52013Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in. 52014 -- Henry David Thoreau 52015% 52016Time is nature's way of making sure that 52017everything doesn't happen at once. 52018 52019Space is nature's way of making sure that 52020everything doesn't happen to you. 52021% 52022Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend. 52023 -- Theophrastus 52024% 52025Time sharing: The use of many people by the computer. 52026% 52027Time sure flies when you don't know what you're doing. 52028% 52029Time to be aggressive. Go after a tattooed Virgo. 52030% 52031Time to take stock. 52032Go home with some office supplies. 52033% 52034Time washes clean 52035Love's wounds unseen. 52036That's what someone told me; 52037But I don't know what it means. 52038 -- Linda Ronstadt, "Long Long Time" 52039% 52040Time will end all my troubles, 52041but I don't always approve of Time's methods. 52042% 52043Time-sharing is the junk-mail part of the computer business. 52044 -- H. R. J. Grosch (attributed) 52045% 52046Timesharing, n.: 52047 An access method whereby one computer abuses many people. 52048% 52049Timing must be perfect now. 52050Two-timing must be better than perfect. 52051% 52052Tip of the Day: 52053 Never fry bacon in the nude. 52054% 52055Tip O'Neill is just like Congress; old, fat and out of control. 52056 -- J. LeBoutillier 52057% 52058Tip the world over on its side and 52059everything loose will land in Los Angeles. 52060 -- Frank Lloyd Wright 52061% 52062TIPS FOR PERFORMERS: 52063 Playing cards have the top half upside-down to help cheaters. 52064 There are a finite number of jokes in the universe. 52065 Singing is a trick to get people to listen to music longer than 52066 they would ordinarily. 52067 There is no music in space. 52068 People will pay to watch people make sounds. 52069 Everything on stage should be larger than in real life. 52070% 52071TIRED of calculating components of vectors? Displacements along direction of 52072force getting you down? Well, now there's help. Try amazing "Dot-Product", 52073the fast, easy way many professionals have used for years and is now available 52074to YOU through this special offer. Three out of five engineering consultants 52075recommend "Dot-Product" for their clients who use vector products. Mr. 52076Gumbinowitz, mechanical engineer, in a hidden-camera interview... 52077 "Dot-Product really works! Calculating Z-axis force components has 52078 never been easier." 52079Yes, you too can take advantage of the amazing properties of Dot-Product. Use 52080it to calculate forces, velocities, displacements, and virtually any vector 52081components. How much would you pay for it? But wait, it also calculates the 52082work done in Joules, Ergs, and, yes, even BTUs. Divide Dot-Product by the 52083magnitude of the vectors and it becomes an instant angle calculator! Now, how 52084much would you pay? All this can be yours for the low, low price of $19.95!! 52085But that's not all! If you order before midnight, you'll also get "Famous 52086Numbers of Famous People" as a bonus gift, absolutely free! Yes, you'll get 52087Avogadro's number, Planck's, Euler's, Boltzmann's, and many, many, more!! 52088Call 1-800-DOT-6000. Operators are standing by. That number again... 520891-800-DOT-6000. Supplies are limited, so act now. This offer is not 52090available through stores and is void where prohibited by law. 52091% 52092Tis man's perdition to be safe, when for the truth he ought to die. 52093% 52094'Tis more blessed to give than receive; for example, wedding presents. 52095 -- H. L. Mencken 52096% 52097'Tis the dream of each programmer, 52098Before his life is done, 52099To write three lines of APL, 52100And make the damn things run. 52101% 52102To a Californian, a person must prove himself criminally insane before he 52103is allowed to drive a taxi in New York. For New York cabbies, honesty and 52104stopping at red lights are both optional. 52105 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts" 52106% 52107To a Californian, all New Yorkers are cold; even in heat they rarely go 52108above fifty-eight degrees. If you collapse on a street in New York, plan 52109to spend a few days there. 52110 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts" 52111% 52112To a Californian, the basic difference between the people and the pigeons 52113in New York is that the pigeons don't shit on each other. 52114 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts" 52115% 52116To a New Yorker, all Californians are blond, even the blacks. There are, 52117in fact, whole neighborhoods that are zoned only for blond people. The 52118only way to tell the difference between California and Sweden is that the 52119Swedes speak better English. 52120 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts" 52121% 52122To a New Yorker, the only California houses on the market for less than 52123a million dollars are those on fire. These generally go for six hundred 52124thousand. 52125 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts" 52126% 52127To accuse others for one's own misfortunes is a sign of want of education. 52128To accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun. To accuse neither 52129oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete. 52130 -- Epictetus 52131% 52132To add insult to injury. 52133 -- Phaedrus 52134% 52135To announce that there must be no criticism of the president, or that we are 52136to stand by the president right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and 52137servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public." 52138 -- Theodore Roosevelt 52139% 52140To any truly impartial person, it would 52141be obvious that I am always right. 52142% 52143To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. 52144 -- Elbert Hubbard 52145% 52146To be a kind of moral Unix, he touched the hem of Nature's shift. 52147 -- Shelley 52148% 52149To be beautiful is enough! if a woman can do that well who 52150should demand more from her? You don't want a rose to sing. 52151 -- Thackeray 52152% 52153To be considered successful, a woman must be much better at her job 52154than a man would have to be. Fortunately, this isn't difficult. 52155% 52156To be excellent when engaged in administration is to be like the North 52157Star. As it remains in its one position, all the other stars surround it. 52158 -- Confucius 52159% 52160To be great is to be misunderstood. 52161 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 52162% 52163To be happy one must be a) well fed, unhounded by sordid cares, at ease in 52164Zion, b) full of a comfortable feeling of superiority to the masses of one's 52165fellow men, and c) delicately and unceasingly amused according to one's taste. 52166It is my contention that, if this definition be accepted, there is no country 52167in the world wherein a man constituted as I am -- a man of my peculiar 52168weaknesses, vanities, appetites, and aversions -- can be so happy as he can 52169be in the United States. Going further, I lay down the doctrine that it is 52170a sheer physical impossibility for such a man to live in the United States 52171and not be happy. 52172 -- H. L. Mencken, "On Being An American" 52173% 52174To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it. 52175% 52176To be is to be related. 52177 -- C. J. Keyser 52178% 52179To be is to do. 52180 -- I. Kant 52181To do is to be. 52182 -- A. Sartre 52183Do be a Do Bee! 52184 -- Miss Connie, Romper Room 52185Do be do be do! 52186 -- F. Sinatra 52187Yabba-Dabba-Doo! 52188 -- F. Flintstone 52189% 52190To be loved is very demoralizing. 52191 -- Katharine Hepburn 52192% 52193To be nobody-but-yourself in a world which is doing its best to, 52194night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest 52195battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting. 52196 -- E. E. Cummings, "A Miscellany" 52197% 52198To be or not to be. 52199 -- Shakespeare 52200To do is to be. 52201 -- Nietzsche 52202To be is to do. 52203 -- Sartre 52204Do be do be do. 52205 -- Sinatra 52206% 52207To be or not to be, that is the bottom line. 52208% 52209To be patriotic, hate all nations but your own; to be religious, all sects 52210but your own; to be moral, all pretences but your own. 52211 -- Lionel Strachey 52212% 52213To be responsive at this time, though I will simply say, and therefore 52214this is a repeat of what I said previously, that which I am unable to 52215offer in response is based on information available to make no such 52216statement. 52217% 52218To be successful, a woman has to be much better at her job than a man. 52219 -- Golda Meir 52220% 52221To be successful, a woman must do her job ten times 52222as well as a man. Fortunately, this is not difficult. 52223% 52224To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit, 52225call it the target. 52226% 52227To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved. 52228% 52229To be who one is, is not to be someone else. 52230% 52231To be wise, the only thing you really need 52232to know is when to say "I don't know." 52233% 52234To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for 52235you in your private heart is true for all men -- that is genius. 52236 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 52237% 52238To code the impossible code, This is my quest -- 52239To bring up a virgin machine, To debug that code, 52240To pop out of endless recursion, No matter how hopeless, 52241To grok what appears on the screen, No matter the load, 52242 To write those routines 52243To right the unrightable bug, Without question or pause, 52244To endlessly twiddle and thrash, To be willing to hack FORTRAN IV 52245To mount the unmountable magtape, For a heavenly cause. 52246To stop the unstoppable crash! And I know if I'll only be true 52247 To this glorious quest, 52248And the queue will be better for this, That my code will run CUSPy and calm, 52249That one man, scorned and When it's put to the test. 52250 destined to lose, 52251Still strove with his last allocation 52252To scrap the unscrappable kludge! 52253 -- To "The Impossible Dream", from Man of La Mancha 52254% 52255To communicate is the beginning of understanding. 52256 -- AT&T 52257% 52258To converse at the distance of the Indes by means of sympathetic contrivances 52259may be as natural to future times as to us is a literary correspondence. 52260 -- Joseph Glanvill, 1661 52261% 52262To craunch a marmoset. 52263 -- Pedro Carolino, "English as She is Spoke" 52264% 52265To create quality software, the ability to say no is usually far 52266more important than the ability to say yes. 52267 -- Michi Henning 52268% 52269To criticize the incompetent is easy; 52270it is more difficult to criticize the competent. 52271% 52272To defend the Saigon regime is not worth one more human life. 52273 -- Senator Edmund Muskie 52274% 52275To do nothing is to be nothing. 52276% 52277To do two things at once is to do neither. 52278 -- Publilius Syrus 52279% 52280To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally 52281convenient solutions; both dispense with the necessity of reflection. 52282 -- H. Poincare 52283% 52284To envision how a 4-processor system running [SunOS] 4.1.x works, think 52285of four kids and one bathroom. 52286 -- John DiMarco 52287% 52288To err is human -- but it feels divine. 52289 -- Mae West 52290% 52291To err is human -- to blame it on a computer is even more so. 52292% 52293To err is human, but I can REALLY foul things up. 52294% 52295To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer. 52296% 52297To err is human, but when the eraser wears out 52298before the pencil, you're overdoing it a little. 52299% 52300To err is human; to admit it, a blunder. 52301% 52302To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System. 52303% 52304To err is human, to forgive, infrequent. 52305% 52306To err is human, to forgive is against company policy. 52307% 52308To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy. 52309% 52310To err is human; to forgive is simply not our policy. 52311 -- MIT Assassination Club 52312% 52313To err is human, to forgive unusual. 52314% 52315To err is human, to purr feline. 52316To err is human, two curs canine. 52317To err is human, to moo bovine. 52318% 52319To err is human, to repent, divine, to persist, devilish. 52320 -- Benjamin Franklin 52321% 52322To err is human. 52323To blame someone else for your mistakes is even more human. 52324% 52325To err is human, 52326To purr feline. 52327 -- Robert Byrne 52328% 52329To err is humor. 52330% 52331To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D. 52332 -- B. Duggan 52333% 52334To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven: 52335A time to be born, and a time to die; 52336A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted; 52337A time to kill, and a time to heal; 52338A time to break down, and a time to build up; 52339A time to weep, and a time to laugh; 52340A time to mourn, and a time to dance; 52341A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones; 52342A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; 52343A time to gain, and a time to lose; 52344A time to keep, and a time to throw away; 52345A time to tear, and a time to sew; 52346A time to keep silence, and a time to speak; 52347A time to love, and a time to hate; 52348A time of war, and a time of peace. 52349 Ecclesiastes 3:1-9 52350% 52351To fear love is to fear life, and those 52352who fear life are already three parts dead. 52353 -- Bertrand Russell 52354% 52355To find a friend one must close one eye; to keep him -- two. 52356 -- Norman Douglas 52357% 52358To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends. 52359 -- Benjamin Franklin 52360% 52361To generalize is to be an idiot. 52362 -- William Blake 52363% 52364To get back on your feet, miss two car payments. 52365% 52366To get something clean, one has to get something dirty. 52367To get something dirty, one does not have to get anything clean. 52368% 52369To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three 52370men, two of them absent. 52371% 52372To give happiness is to deserve happiness. 52373% 52374To give of yourself, you must first know yourself. 52375% 52376To have died once is enough. 52377 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) 52378% 52379To hell with the Prime Directive; 52380Let's KILL something! 52381% 52382To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk. 52383 -- Thomas Edison 52384% 52385To iterate is human, to recurse, divine. 52386 -- Robert Heller 52387% 52388To jaw-jaw is better than to war-war. 52389 -- Winston Churchill, on Korean War negotiations 52390% 52391To keep your friends treat them kindly; 52392to kill them, treat them often. 52393% 52394To know Edina is to reject it. 52395 -- Dudley Riggs, "The Year the Grinch Stole the Election" 52396% 52397To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools. 52398% 52399To lead people, you must follow behind. 52400 -- Lao Tsu 52401% 52402To listen to some devout people, 52403one would imagine that God never laughs. 52404 -- Sri Aurobindo 52405% 52406To love is good, love being difficult. 52407% 52408To make an enemy, do someone a favor. 52409% 52410To make tax forms true they should 52411read "Income Owed Us" and "Incommode You". 52412% 52413To many, total abstinence is easier than perfect moderation. 52414 -- St. Augustine 52415% 52416TO ME, CLOWNS AREN'T FUNNY. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered 52417where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the 52418circus and a clown killed my dad. 52419 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 52420% 52421To one large turkey add one gallon of vermouth and a demijohn of Angostura 52422bitters. Shake. 52423 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, recipe for turkey cocktail 52424% 52425To our sweethearts and wives. May they never meet. 52426 -- 19th century toast 52427% 52428To refuse praise is to seek praise twice. 52429% 52430To restore a sense of reality, I think 52431Walt Disney should have a Hardluckland. 52432 -- Jack Paar 52433% 52434To save a single life is better than to build a seven story pagoda. 52435% 52436To say that UNIX is doomed is pretty rabid, OS/2 will certainly play a role, 52437but you don't build a hundred million instructions per second multiprocessor 52438micro and then try to run it on OS/2. I mean, get serious. 52439 -- William Zachmann, International Data Corp 52440% 52441To say you got a vote of confidence 52442would be to say you needed a vote of confidence. 52443 -- Andrew Young 52444% 52445To see a need and wait to be asked, is to already refuse. 52446% 52447To see the butcher slap the steak, before he laid it on the block, 52448and give his knife a sharpening, was to forget breakfast instantly. It was 52449agreeable, too -it really was- to see him cut it off, so smooth and juicy. 52450There was nothing savage in the act, although the knife was large and keen; 52451it was a piece of art, high art; there was delicacy of touch, clearness of 52452tone, skillful handling of the subject, fine shading. It was the triumph of 52453mind over matter; quite. 52454 -- Charles Dickens, "Martin Chuzzlewit" 52455% 52456To see you is to sympathize. 52457% 52458To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts 52459the job will take the longest and cost the most. 52460% 52461To stand and be still, 52462At the Birkenhead drill, 52463Is a damned tough bullet to chew. 52464 -- Rudyard Kipling 52465% 52466To stay young requires unceasing cultivation 52467of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods. 52468 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love" 52469% 52470To stay youthful, stay useful. 52471% 52472To teach is to learn. 52473% 52474To teach is to learn twice. 52475 -- Joseph Joubert 52476% 52477To the best of my recollection, Senator, I can't recall. 52478% 52479To the landlord belongs the doorknobs. 52480% 52481To the systems programmer, users and applications serve only to provide 52482a test load. 52483% 52484To Theodore Roosevelt: 52485 You are like the Wind and I like the Lion. You form the Tempest. 52486The sand stings my eyes and the Ground is parched. I roar in defiance but 52487you do not hear. But between us there is a difference. I, like the lion, 52488must remain in my place. While you, like the wind, will never know yours. 52489 Mulay Hamid El Raisuli 52490 Lord of the Riff 52491 Sultan to the Berbers 52492 Last of the Barbary Pirates 52493% 52494To thine own self be true. 52495(If not that, at least make some money.) 52496% 52497To think contrary to one's era is heroism. But to speak against it is 52498madness. 52499 -- Eugene Ionesco 52500% 52501To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional 52502system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy, 52503inelegant, and unsatisfying. But it's a question of congruence: 52504precision and flexibility may be just as dysfunctional in novel, 52505uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar, 52506well-defined ones. Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures 52507of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very 52508secure ecological niche. 52509 -- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers" 52510% 52511TO THOSE OF YOU WHO DESIRE IT, I GRANT YOU MADRAK'S BLESSING: 52512 52513 Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care 52514what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you 52515may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness. 52516 Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else be required 52517to ensure any possible benefit for which you may be eligible after the 52518destruction of your body, I ask that this, whatever it may be, be granted 52519or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to ensure your 52520receiving said benefit. 52521 I ask this in my capacity as your elected intermediary between 52522yourself and that which may have an interest in the matter of your receiving 52523as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and which may 52524in some way be influenced by this ceremony. 52525 Amen. 52526 -- Roger Zelazny, "Creatures of Light and Darkness", 1969 52527% 52528To understand a program you must become both the machine and the program. 52529% 52530To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what 52531he has already achieved, but at what he aspires to do. 52532% 52533To understand this important story, you have to understand how the 52534telephone company works. Your telephone is connected to a local 52535computer, which is in turn connected to a regional computer, which is 52536in turn connected to a loudspeaker the size of a garbage truck on the 52537lawn of Edna A. Bargewater of Lawrence, Kan. 52538 52539Whenever you talk on the phone, your local computer listens in. If it 52540suspects you're going to discuss an intimate topic, it notifies the 52541computer above it, which listens in and decides whether to alert the 52542one above it, until finally, if you really humiliate yourself, maybe 52543break down in tears and tell your closest friend about a sordid 52544incident from your past involving a seedy motel, a neighbor's spouse, 52545an entire religious order, a garden hose and six quarts of tapioca 52546pudding, the top computer feeds your conversation into Edna's 52547loudspeaker, and she and her friends come out on the porch to listen 52548and drink gin and laugh themselves silly. 52549 -- Dave Barry, "Won't It Be Just Great Owning Our Own 52550 Phones?" 52551% 52552To use violence is to already be defeated. 52553 -- Chinese proverb 52554% 52555To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it? 52556% 52557To whom the mornings are like nights, 52558What must the midnights be! 52559 -- Emily Dickinson (on hacking?) 52560% 52561To write a sonnet you must ruthlessly 52562strip down your words to naked, willing flesh. 52563Then bind them to a metaphor or three, 52564and take by force a satisfying mesh. 52565Arrange them to your will, each foot in place. 52566You are the master here, and they the slaves. 52567Now whip them to maintain a constant pace 52568and rhythm as they stand in even staves. 52569A word that strikes no pleasure? Cast it out! 52570What use are words that drive not to the heart? 52571A lazy phrase? Discard it, shrug off doubt, 52572and choose more docile words to take its part. 52573A well-trained sonnet lives to entertain, 52574by making love directly to the brain. 52575% 52576To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the loyal opposition. 52577 -- Woody Allen 52578% 52579Tobacco is a filthy weed, 52580That from the devil does proceed; 52581It drains your purse, it burns your clothes, 52582And makes a chimney of your nose. 52583 -- B. Waterhouse 52584% 52585TODAY: 52586 A nice place to visit, but you can't stay here for long. 52587% 52588Today is a good day for information-gathering. 52589Read someone else's mail file. 52590% 52591Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official. 52592% 52593Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day. 52594% 52595Today is the first day of the rest of the mess. 52596% 52597Today is the first day of the rest of your life. 52598% 52599Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage. 52600% 52601Today is the last day of your life so far. 52602% 52603Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. 52604% 52605Today is what happened to yesterday. 52606% 52607Today, of course, it is considered very poor taste to use the F-word 52608except in major motion pictures. 52609 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" 52610% 52611Today when a man gets married he gets a home, a housekeeper, a cook, a 52612cheering squad and another paycheck. When a woman marries, she gets a 52613boarder. 52614% 52615Today you'll start getting heavy metal radio on your dentures. 52616% 52617Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity? 52618 52619And where does it go after it leaves the toaster? 52620 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 52621% 52622Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new 52623cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more 52624spectacular adventure starring... Tippy, the Wonder Dog! 52625 -- Bob & Ray 52626% 52627Today's weirdness is tomorrow's reason why. 52628 -- Hunter S. Thompson 52629% 52630Toddlers are the stormtroopers of the Lord of Entropy. 52631% 52632Toilet Toupee, n.: 52633 Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus 52634 creating endless annoyance to male users. 52635 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 52636% 52637Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad name. 52638 -- Gore Vidal 52639% 52640Tomorrow, this will be part of the unchangeable past 52641but fortunately, it can still be changed today. 52642% 52643Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest. 52644% 52645Tomorrow, you can be anywhere. 52646% 52647Tomorrow's computers some time next month. 52648 -- DEC 52649% 52650Tom's hungry, time to eat lunch. 52651% 52652Tonight you will pay the wages of sin; 52653Don't forget to leave a tip. 52654% 52655Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree. 52656% 52657Toni's Solution to a Guilt-Free Life: 52658 If you have to lie to someone, it's their fault. 52659% 52660Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy 52661driving cabs and cutting hair. 52662 -- George Burns 52663% 52664TOO BAD YOU CAN'T BUY a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin 52665real fast and freak everybody out. 52666 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 52667% 52668Too clever is dumb. 52669 -- Ogden Nash 52670% 52671Too cool to calypso, 52672Too tough to tango, 52673Too weird to watusi 52674 -- The Only Ones 52675% 52676Too Late 52677 A large number of turkies [sic] went to San Francisco yesterday by 52678the two o'clock boats. If their object in going down was to participate in 52679the Thanksgiving festivities of that city, they would arrive "the day after 52680the affair," and of course be sadly disappointed thereby. 52681 -- Sacramento Daily Union, November 29, 1861 52682% 52683Too many of his [Mozart's] works sound like interoffice memos. 52684 -- Glenn Gould 52685% 52686Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity. 52687They seem more afraid of life than death. 52688 -- James F. Byrnes 52689% 52690Too much is just enough. 52691 -- Mark Twain, on whiskey 52692% 52693Too much is not enough. 52694% 52695Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL. 52696 -- Mae West 52697% 52698Too much of everything is just enough. 52699 -- Bob Wier 52700% 52701Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available 52702briefcases. 52703 -- Governor Jerry Brown 52704% 52705Too often people have come to me and said, "If I had just one wish for 52706anything in all the world, I would wish for more user-defined equations 52707in the HP-51820A Waveform Generator Software." 52708 -- Instrument News 52709 [Once is too often. Ed.] 52710% 52711Too ripped. Gotta go. 52712% 52713Toothpaste never hurts the taste of good scotch. 52714% 52715Top 10 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon Programmer: 52716 5271710) Specifications are for the weak and timid! 52718 9) You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand! 52719 8) Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull! 52720 7) What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'. 52721 Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality 52722 assurance people in its wake. 52723 6) Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments' 52724 - and they ALWAYS WIN THEM. 52725 5) Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak. 52726 4) A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code! 52727 3) Klingon software does NOT have BUGS. It has FEATURES, and those features 52728 are too sophisticated for a Romulan pig like you to understand. 52729 2) You cannot truly appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the 52730 original Klingon. 52731 1) Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! 52732 Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are! 52733% 52734Top scientists agree that with the present rate of consumption, the 52735earth's supply of gravity will be exhausted before the 24th century. 52736As man struggles to discover cheaper alternatives, we need your help. 52737Please... 52738 52739 CONSERVE GRAVITY 52740 52741Follow these simple suggestions: 52742 52743(1) Walk with a light step. Carry helium balloons if possible. 52744(2) Use tape, magnets, or glue instead of paperweights. 52745(3) Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like 52746 curling. 52747(4) Avoid showers ... take baths instead. 52748(5) Don't hang all your clothes in the closet ... Keep them in one big 52749 pile. 52750(6) Stop flipping pancakes 52751% 52752Top Ten Things Overheard At The ANSI C Draft Committee Meetings: 52753 5275410: Sorry, but that's too useful. 52755 9: Dammit, little-endian systems *are* more consistent! 52756 8: I'm on the committee and I *still* don't know what the hell 52757 #pragma is for. 52758 7: Well, it's an excellent idea, but it would make the compilers too 52759 hard to write. 52760 6: Them bats is smart; they use radar. 52761 5: All right, who's the wiseguy who stuck this trigraph stuff in here? 52762 4: How many times do we have to tell you, "No prior art!" 52763 3: Ha, ha, I can't believe they're actually going to adopt this sucker. 52764 2: Thank you for your generous donation, Mr. Wirth. 52765 1: Gee, I wish we hadn't backed down on "noalias". 52766% 52767Topologists are just plane folks. 52768 Pilots are just plane folks. 52769 Carpenters are just plane folks. 52770 Midwest farmers are just plain folks. 52771 Musicians are just playin' folks. 52772 Whodunit readers are just Spillaine folks. 52773Some Londoners are just P. Lane folks. 52774% 52775Torque is cheap. 52776% 52777Total strangers need love, too; and I'm stranger than most. 52778% 52779TOTD (T-shirt Of The Day): 52780 I'm the person your mother warned you about. 52781% 52782Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore. 52783 -- Judy Garland as Dorothy Gale, "The Wizard of Oz" 52784% 52785Tourists -- have some fun with New York's hard-boiled cabbies. When you 52786get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitch-hiking." 52787 -- David Letterman 52788% 52789Tout choses sont dites deja, mais comme 52790personne n'ecoute, il faut toujours recommencer. 52791 -- A. Gide 52792% 52793Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines. 52794 -- David Letterman 52795% 52796TRANSACTION CANCELED - FARECARD RETURNED 52797% 52798TRANSFER: 52799 A promotion you receive on the condition that you leave town. 52800% 52801TRANSPARENT: 52802 Being or pertaining to an existing, nontangible object. 52803 "It's there, but you can't see it" 52804 -- IBM System/360 announcement, 1964 52805 52806VIRTUAL: 52807 Being or pertaining to a tangible, nonexistent object. 52808 "I can see it, but it's not there." 52809 -- Lady Macbeth 52810% 52811TRANSVESTITE: 52812 Someone who spends his junior year at college abroad. 52813% 52814Trap full -- please empty. 52815% 52816TRAVEL: 52817 Something that makes you feel like you're getting somewhere. 52818% 52819Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow. 52820% 52821Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy. 52822 -- Han Solo 52823% 52824Traveling through New England, a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny village. 52825"What's this place called?" he asked the station attendant. 52826 "All depends," the native drawled. "Do you mean by them that has 52827to live in this dad-blamed, moth-eaten, dust-covered, one-hoss dump, or 52828by them that's merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic charms 52829for a short spell?" 52830% 52831Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy. 52832 -- Publilius Syrus 52833% 52834Treaties are like roses and young girls -- they last while they last. 52835 -- Charles DeGaulle 52836% 52837Trifles make perfection, and perfection is no trifle. 52838 -- Michelangelo 52839% 52840Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level. 52841% 52842Trouble always comes at the wrong time. 52843% 52844Trouble strikes in series of threes, but when working around the house the 52845next job after a series of three is not the fourth job -- it's the start of 52846a brand new series of three. 52847% 52848Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful, wealthy, and live 52849in eucalyptus trees. 52850% 52851Troubles are like babies; they only grow by nursing. 52852% 52853True happiness will be found only in true love. 52854% 52855True leadership is the art of changing 52856a group from what it is to what it ought to be. 52857 -- Virginia Allan 52858% 52859True to our past we work with an inherited, observed, and accepted vision of 52860personal futility, and of the beauty of the world. 52861 -- David Mamet 52862% 52863Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence. 52864 -- Henrik Tikkanen 52865% 52866Truly simple systems... require infinite testing. 52867 -- Norman Augustine 52868% 52869Trust everybody, but cut the cards. 52870 -- Finley Peter Dunne, "Mr. Dooley's Philosophy" 52871% 52872Trust in Allah, but tie your camel. 52873 -- Arabian proverb 52874% 52875TRUST ME: 52876 Get me, give me, buy me, do me. 52877% 52878TRUST ME: 52879 Translation of the Latin "caveat emptor." 52880% 52881Trust your husband, adore your husband, 52882and get as much as you can in your own name. 52883 -- Joan Rivers 52884% 52885Truth can wait; he's used to it. 52886% 52887Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now -- always. 52888 -- Albert Schweitzer 52889% 52890Truth is free, but information costs. 52891% 52892Truth is hard to find and harder to obscure. 52893% 52894Truth is stranger than fiction, because fiction has to make sense. 52895% 52896Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it. 52897 -- Mark Twain 52898% 52899Truth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominy 52900of him that brought her birth. 52901 -- Milton 52902% 52903Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.) 52904% 52905Truthful, adj.: 52906 Dumb and illiterate. 52907 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 52908% 52909try again 52910% 52911Try not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational. 52912 -- Charles Schulz 52913% 52914Try not. 52915Do. 52916Or do not. 52917There is no try. 52918% 52919Try `stty 0' -- it works much better. 52920% 52921Try the Moo Shu Pork. It is especially good today. 52922% 52923Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good. 52924% 52925Try to divide your time evenly to keep others happy. 52926% 52927Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading: Was it done, 52928is it being done, or is something to be done? Reports are now written 52929in four tenses: past tense, present tense, future tense, and 52930pretense. Watch for novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmer), 52931defined by the imperfect past, the insufficient present, and the 52932absolutely perfect future. 52933 -- Amrom Katz 52934% 52935Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance. 52936% 52937Try to have as good a life as you can under the circumstances. 52938% 52939Try to relax and enjoy the crisis. 52940 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 52941% 52942Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you. 52943% 52944Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only 52945specification is that it should run noiselessly. 52946% 52947Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth. 52948 -- Alan Watts 52949% 52950Trying to establish voice contact ... please ____yell into keyboard. 52951% 52952Trying to get an education here is like 52953trying to take a drink from a fire hose. 52954% 52955T-shirt: 52956 Life is *not* a Cabaret, and stop calling me chum! 52957% 52958Tuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week. 52959% 52960Tuesday is the Wednesday of the rest of your life. 52961% 52962Turn on, tune in, and take over. 52963 -- Tim Leary 52964% 52965Turn the other cheek. 52966 -- Jesus Christ 52967% 52968Turnaucka's Law: 52969 The attention span of a computer is only as long as its 52970 electrical cord. 52971% 52972Tussman's Law: 52973 Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. 52974% 52975TV is chewing gum for the eyes. 52976 -- Frank Lloyd Wright 52977% 52978'Twas a woman who drove me to drink, 52979and I never even had the decency to thank her. 52980 -- R. B. Gossling 52981% 52982"Twas bergen and the eirie road 52983Did mahwah into patterson: "Beware the Hopatcong, my son! 52984All jersey were the ocean groves, The teeth that bite, the nails 52985And the red bank bayonne. that claw! 52986 Beware the bound brook bird, and shun 52987He took his belmar blade in hand: The kearney communipaw." 52988Long time the folsom foe he sought 52989Till rested he by a bayway tree And, as in nutley thought he stood, 52990And stood a while in thought. The Hopatcong with eyes of flame, 52991 Came whippany through the englewood, 52992One, two, one, two, and through And garfield as it came. 52993 and through 52994The belmar blade went hackensack! "And hast thou slain the Hopatcong? 52995He left it dead and with it's head Come to my arms, my perth amboy! 52996He went weehawken back. Hohokus day! Soho! Rahway!" 52997 He caldwell in his joy. 52998Did mahwah into patterson: 52999All jersey were the ocean groves, 53000And the red bank bayonne. 53001 -- Paul Kieffer 53002% 53003'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves 53004Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. "Beware the Jabberwock, my son! 53005All mimsy were the borogroves The jaws that bite, the claws 53006And the mome raths outgrabe. that catch! 53007 Beware the Jubjub bird, 53008He took his vorpal sword in hand And shun the frumious Bandersnatch!" 53009Long time the manxome foe he sought. 53010So rested he by the tumtum tree And as in uffish thought he stood 53011And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberwock, with eyes aflame 53012 Came whuffling through the tulgey wood 53013One! Two! One! Two! And through and And burbled as it came! 53014 through 53015The vorpal blade went snicker-snack. "Hast thou slain the Jabberwock? 53016He left it dead, and took its head, Come to my arms, my beamish boy! 53017And went galumphing back. Oh frabjous day! Calooh! Callay!" 53018 He chortled in his joy. 53019'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves 53020Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. 53021All mimsy were the borogroves 53022And the mome raths outgrabe. 53023 -- Lewis Carroll, "Jabberwocky" 53024% 53025'Twas bullig, and the slithy brokers 53026Did buy and gamble in the craze "Beware the Jabberstock, my son! 53027All rosy were the Dow Jones stokers The cost that bites, the worth 53028By market's wrath unphased. that falls! 53029 Beware the Econ'mist's word, and shun 53030He took his forecast sword in hand: The spurious Street o' Walls!" 53031Long time the Boesk'some foe he sought - 53032Sake's liquidity, so d'vested he, And as in bearish thought he stood 53033And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberstock, with clothes of tweed, 53034 Came waffling with the truth too good, 53035Chip Black! Chip Blue! And through And yuppied great with greed! 53036 and through 53037The forecast blade went snicker-snack! "And hast thou slain the Jabberstock? 53038It bit the dirt, and with its shirt, Come to my firm, V.P.ish boy! 53039He went rebounding back. O big bucks day! Moolah! Good Play!" 53040 He bought him a Mercedes Toy. 53041'Twas panic, and the slithy brokers 53042Did gyre and tumble in the Crash 53043All flimsy were the Dow Jones stokers 53044And mammon's wrath them bash! 53045 -- Peter Stucki, "Jabberstocky" 53046% 53047'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks 53048Did gyre and gimble in their cave 53049All mimsy was the CS-VAX 53050And Cory raths outgrabe. 53051 53052"Beware the software rot, my son! 53053The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash! 53054Beware the broken pipe, and shun 53055The frumious system crash!" 53056% 53057'Twas midnight on the ocean, Her children all were orphans, 53058Not a streetcar was in sight, Except one a tiny tot, 53059So I stepped into a cigar store Who had a home across the way 53060To ask them for a light. Above a vacant lot. 53061 53062The man behind the counter As I gazed through the oaken door 53063Was a woman, old and gray, A whale went drifting by, 53064Who used to peddle doughnuts Its six legs hanging in the air, 53065On the road to Mandalay. So I kissed her goodbye. 53066 53067She said "Good morning, stranger", This story has a morale 53068Her eyes were dry with tears, As you can plainly see, 53069As she put her head between her feet Don't mix your gin with whiskey 53070And stood that way for years. On the deep and dark blue sea. 53071 -- Midnight On The Ocean 53072% 53073'Twas the night before Christmas -- the very last one -- 53074When the blazing of lasers destroyed all our fun. 53075Just as Santa had lifted off, driving his sleigh, 53076A satellite spotted him making his way. 53077The Star Wars Defense System -- Reagan's desire 53078Was ready for action, and started to fire! 53079The laser beams criss-crossed and lit up the sky 53080Like a fireworks show on the Fourth of July. 53081I'd just finished wrapping the last of the toys 53082When out of my chimney there came a great noise. 53083I looked to the fireplace, hoping to see 53084St. Nick bringing presents for missus and me. 53085But what I saw next was disturbing and shocking: 53086A flaming red jacket setting fire to my stocking! 53087Charred reindeer remains and a melted sleigh-bell; 53088Outside burning toys like confetti they fell. 53089So now you know, children, why Christmas is gone: 53090The Star Wars computer had got something wrong. 53091Only programmed for battle, it hadn't a heart; 53092'Twas hardly a chance it would work from the start. 53093It couldn't be tested, and no one could tell, 53094If the crazy contraption would work very well. 53095So after a trillion or two had been spent 53096The system thought Santa a Red missile sent. 53097So kids dry your tears now, and get off to bed, 53098There won't be a Christmas -- since Santa is dead. 53099% 53100'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period 53101 preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, And 53102 throughout our place of residence, 53103Kinetic activity was not in evidence among the 53104 possessors of this potential, including that 53105 species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. 53106Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward 53107 edge of the woodburning caloric apparatus, 53108Pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an 53109 imminent visitation from an eccentric 53110 philanthropist among whose folkloric appelations 53111 is the honorific title of St. Nicklaus ... 53112% 53113Twenty Percent of Zero is Better than Nothing. 53114 -- Walt Kelly 53115% 53116Twenty two thousand days. 53117Twenty two thousand days. 53118It's not a lot. 53119It's all you've got. 53120Twenty two thousand days. 53121 -- Moody Blues, "Twenty Two Thousand Days" 53122% 53123Two battleships assigned to the training squadron had been at sea on maneuvers 53124in heavy weather for several days. I was serving on the lead battleship and 53125was on watch on the bridge as night fell. The visibility was poor with patchy 53126fog, so the Captain remained on the bridge keeping an eye on all activities. 53127 Shortly after dark, the lookout on the wing of the bridge reported, 53128"Light, bearing on the starboard bow." 53129 "Is it steady or moving astern?" the Captain called out. 53130 Lookout replied, "Steady, Captain," which meant we were on a dangerous 53131collision course with that ship. 53132 The Captain then called to the signalman, "Signal that ship: We are on 53133a collision course, advise you change course 20 degrees." 53134 Back came a signal "Advisable for you to change course 20 degrees." 53135 In reply, the Captain said, "Send: I'm a Captain, change course 20 53136degrees!" 53137 "I'm a seaman second class," came the reply, "You had better change 53138course 20 degrees." 53139 By that time, the Captain was furious. He spit out, "Send: I'm a 53140battleship, change course 20 degrees." 53141 Back came the flashing light: "I'm a lighthouse!" 53142 We changed course. 53143 -- The Naval Institute's "Proceedings" 53144% 53145Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long. 53146 -- Howard Kandel 53147% 53148Two cars in every pot and a chicken in every garage. 53149% 53150Two Finns and a penguin are sitting on the front porch of a large house. The 53151penguin is dripping in sweat; his owner looks down and says to the other Finn, 53152"Hey Urho, I want that you should take the penguin to the zoo, okay?" The 53153owner then runs off to the sauna. When he gets out of the sauna, he looks 53154up at the porch, and sure enough, there is Urho and the penguin, sweating 53155away. So he yells out "Hey, Urho, I thought I told you to take the penguin to 53156the zoo, I did." And Urho yells back "Yup, and tomorrow we're going to 53157the movies!" 53158% 53159Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his 53160barstool and lay motionless on the floor. 53161 "One thing about Jim," the other said to the bartender, "he sure 53162knows when to stop." 53163% 53164Two heads are better than one. 53165 -- John Heywood 53166% 53167Two heads are more numerous than one. 53168% 53169Two hundred years ago today, Irma Chine of White Plains, New York, was 53170performing her normal housekeeping routines. She was interrupted by 53171British soldiers who, rallying to the call of their supervisor, General 53172Hughes, sought to gain control of the voter registration lists kept in 53173her home. Masking her fear and thinking fast, Mrs. Chine quickly divided 53174a nearby apple in two and deftly stored the list in its center. Upon 53175entering, the British blatantly violated every conceivable convention, 53176and, though they went through the house virtually bit by bit, their 53177search was fruitless. They had to return empty handed. Word of the 53178incident propagated rapidly through the region. This historic event 53179became the first documented use of core storage for the saving of registers. 53180% 53181Two is company, three is an orgy. 53182% 53183Two is not equal to three, even for large values of two. 53184% 53185Two men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a 53186canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea. We can 53187call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices to the 53188end of the canyon. Someone's bound to hear us by then!" 53189 So he leans over the basket and screams out, "Helllloooooo! Where 53190are we?" (They hear the echo several times). 53191 Fifteen minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo! 53192You're lost!" 53193 The shouter comments, "That must have been a mathematician." 53194 Puzzled, his friend asks, "Why do you say that?" 53195 "For three reasons. First, he took a long time to answer, second, 53196he was absolutely correct, and, third, his answer was absolutely useless." 53197% 53198Two men came before Nasrudin when he was magistrate. The first man 53199said, "This man has bitten my ear -- I demand compensation." The 53200second man said, "He bit it himself." Nasrudin withdrew to his 53201chambers, and spent an hour trying to bite his own ear. He succeeded 53202only in falling over and bruising his forehead. Returning to the 53203courtroom, Nasrudin pronounced, "Examine the man whose ear was bitten. 53204If his forehead is bruised, he did it himself and the case is 53205dismissed. If his forehead is not bruised, the other man did it and 53206must pay three silver pieces." 53207% 53208Two men look out through the same bars; one sees mud, and one the stars. 53209% 53210Two men were sitting over coffee, contemplating the nature of things, 53211with all due respect for their breakfast. "I wonder why it is that 53212toast always falls on the buttered side," said one. 53213 "Tell me," replied his friend, "why you say such a thing. Look 53214at this." And he dropped his toast on the floor, where it landed on the 53215dry side. 53216 "So, what have you to say for your theory now?" 53217 "What am I to say? You obviously buttered the wrong side." 53218% 53219Two peanuts were walking through the New York. One was assaulted. 53220% 53221Two percent of zero is almost nothing. 53222% 53223Two rights don't make a wrong, they make an airplane. 53224% 53225Two Russian friends happen to meet in Red Square. One of them says, "By 53226the way, did you hear that Romanov died?" 53227 "No," replied the other, "I didn't even know he'd been arrested!" 53228% 53229Two sure ways to tell a REALLY sexy man; the first is, he has a bad memory. 53230I forget the second. 53231% 53232Two Swedish guys get of a ship and head for the nearest bars. Each one 53233orders two vodkas and immediately downs them. They they order two more 53234and once again quickly throw them back. They then order two more. When 53235they arrive, one of them picks up his glass, and, turning to the other, 53236toasts him, "Skoal!" 53237 The other turns to the first man and scolds, "Hey! Did you come 53238here to screw around, or did you come here to drink?" 53239% 53240Two wrongs are only the beginning. 53241 -- Kohn 53242% 53243Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse. 53244 -- Thomas Szasz 53245% 53246Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do. 53247% 53248Tyger, Tyger, burning bright Where the hammer? Where the chain? 53249In the forests of the night, In what furnace was thy brain? 53250What immortal hand or eye What the anvil? What dread grasp 53251Dare frame thy fearful symmetry? Dare its deadly terrors clasp? 53252 53253Burnt in distant deeps or skies When the stars threw down their spears 53254The cruel fire of thine eyes? And water'd heaven with their tears 53255On what wings dare he aspire? Dare he laugh his work to see? 53256What the hand dare seize the fire? Dare he who made the lamb make thee? 53257 53258And what shoulder & what art Tyger, Tyger, burning bright 53259Could twist the sinews of they heart? In the forests of the night, 53260And when thy heart began to beat What immortal hand or eye 53261What dread hand & what dread feet Dare frame thy fearful symmetry? 53262 53263Could fetch it from the furnace deep 53264And in thy horrid ribs dare steep 53265In the well of sanguine woe? 53266In what clay & in what mould 53267Were thy eyes of fury roll'd? 53268 -- William Blake, "The Tyger" 53269% 53270Type louder, please. 53271% 53272U: There's a U -- a Unicorn! 53273 Run right up and rub its horn. 53274 Look at all those points you're losing! 53275 UMBER HULKS are so confusing. 53276 -- The Roguelet's ABC 53277% 53278Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex. 53279(Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.) 53280 -- Roman Law, trans. Petr Beckmann (1971) 53281% 53282Udall's Fourth Law: 53283 Any change or reform you make 53284 is going to have consequences you don't like. 53285% 53286UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist. 53287% 53288Uh-oh -- I've let the cat out of the bag. Let me, then, 53289straightforwardly state the thesis I shall now elaborate: 53290Making variations on a theme is really the crux of creativity. 53291 -- Douglas R. Hofstadter, "Metamagical Themas" 53292% 53293Ummm, well, OK. The network's the network, the computer's the computer. 53294Sorry for the confusion. 53295 -- Sun Microsystems 53296% 53297Unbearably lovely music is heard as the curtain rises, and we see the 53298woods on a summer afternoon. A fawn dances on and nibbles at some 53299leaves. He drifts lazily through the soft foliage. Soon he starts 53300coughing and drops dead. 53301 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 53302% 53303Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb: 53304 Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a 53305hammer or get a splinter in it. 53306% 53307Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a 53308just man is also in prison. 53309 -- Henry David Thoreau 53310% 53311Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some 53312ordinance under which you can be booked. 53313 -- Robert D. Sprecht, Rand Corp. 53314% 53315Under deadline pressure for the next week. 53316If you want something, it can wait. 53317Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic... 53318% 53319Under every stone lurks a politician. 53320 -- Aristophanes 53321% 53322Under the wide and heavy VAX 53323Dig my grave and let me relax 53324Long have I lived, and many my hacks 53325And I lay me down with a will. 53326These be the words that tell the way: 53327"Here he lies who piped 64K, 53328Brought down the machine for nearly a day, 53329And Rogue playing to an awful standstill." 53330% 53331Under the wide and starry sky, 53332Dig my grave and let me lie, 53333Glad did I live and gladly die, 53334And laid me down with a will, 53335And this be the verse that you grave for me, 53336Here he lies where he longed to be, 53337Home is the sailor home from the sea, 53338And the hunter home from the hill. 53339 -- R. Kipling 53340% 53341Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics: 53342 Superiority is recessive. 53343% 53344Understand, v.: 53345 To reach a point, in your investigation of some subject, at which 53346 you cease to examine what is really present, and operate on the 53347 basis of your own internal model instead. 53348% 53349Understanding is always the understanding of a smaller problem 53350in relation to a bigger problem. 53351 -- P. D. Ouspensky 53352% 53353Unfair animal names: 53354 53355-- tsetse fly -- bullhead 53356-- booby -- duck-billed platypus 53357-- sapsucker -- Clarence 53358 -- Gary Larson 53359% 53360UNFAIR COMPETITION: 53361 Selling cheaper than we do. 53362% 53363Unfortunately, most programmers like to play with new toys. I have many 53364friends who, immediately upon buying a snakebite kit, would be tempted to 53365throw the first person they see to the ground, tie the tourniquet on him, 53366slash him with the knife, and apply suction to the wound. 53367 -- Jon Bentley 53368% 53369Unhappy the land that needs heroes. 53370 -- Bertolt Brecht 53371% 53372UNION: 53373 A dues-paying club workers wield to strike management. 53374% 53375United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the 53376Christmas season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of 53377all the military forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of 53378all the patriots of every persuasion. 53379 53380Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low over the 53381world. 53382 -- Isaac Asimov 53383% 53384Universe, n.: 53385 The problem. 53386% 53387Universities are places of knowledge. The freshman each bring a little 53388in with them, and the seniors take none away, so knowledge accumulates. 53389% 53390University, n.: 53391 Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's 53392 usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell 53393 you how to fix it, and... 53394 53395 [Okay, okay, I'll leave it in, but I think you're destroying 53396 the credibility of the entire fortune program. Ed.] 53397% 53398University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small. 53399 -- Henry Kissinger 53400% 53401UNIX enhancements aren't. 53402% 53403Unix gives you just enough rope to hang yourself -- and then a couple 53404of more feet, just to be sure. 53405 -- Eric Allman 53406 53407... We make rope. 53408 -- Rob Gingell on Sun Microsystems' new virtual memory 53409% 53410Unix is a lot more complicated (than CP/M) of course -- the typical Unix 53411hacker can never remember what the PRINT command is called this week -- 53412but when it gets right down to it, Unix is a glorified video game. 53413People don't do serious work on Unix systems; they send jokes around the 53414world on USENET or write adventure games and research papers. 53415 -- E. Post 53416 "Real Programmers Don't Use Pascal", Datamation, 7/83 53417% 53418Unix is a Registered Bell of AT&T Trademark Laboratories. 53419 -- Donn Seeley 53420% 53421UNIX is hot. It's more than hot. It's steaming. It's quicksilver 53422lightning with a laserbeam kicker. 53423 -- Michael Jay Tucker 53424% 53425UNIX is many things to many people, 53426but it's never been everything to anybody. 53427% 53428Unix is the worst operating system; except for all others. 53429 -- Berry Kercheval 53430% 53431Unix, n.: 53432 A computer operating system, once thought to be flabby and 53433 impotent, that now shows a surprising interest in making off 53434 with the workstation harem. 53435% 53436unix soit qui mal y pense 53437% 53438UNIX was half a billion (500000000) seconds old on 53439Tue Nov 5 00:53:20 1985 GMT (measuring since the time(2) epoch). 53440 -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum 53441% 53442UNIX was not designed to stop you from doing stupid things, because that 53443would also stop you from doing clever things. 53444 -- Doug Gwyn 53445% 53446Unix will self-destruct in five seconds... 4... 3... 2... 1... 53447% 53448Unknown person(s) stole the American flag from its pole in Etra Park sometime 53449between 3pm Jan 17 and 11:30 am Jan 20. The flag is described as red, white 53450and blue, having 50 stars and was valued at $40. 53451 -- Windsor-Heights Herald "Police Blotter", Jan 28, 1987 53452% 53453Unless hours were cups of sack, and minutes capons, and clocks the tongues 53454of bawds, and dials the signs of leaping houses, and the blessed sun himself 53455a fair, hot wench in flame-colored taffeta, I see no reason why thou shouldst 53456be so superfluous to demand the time of the day. I wasted time and now doth 53457time waste me. 53458 -- William Shakespeare 53459% 53460Unless you love someone, nothing else makes any sense. 53461 -- E. E. Cummings 53462% 53463Unnamed Law: 53464 If it happens, it must be possible. 53465% 53466Unprovided with original learning, unformed in the habits of thinking, 53467unskilled in the arts of composition, I resolved to write a book. 53468 -- Edward Gibbon 53469% 53470Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out 53471twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages. 53472 -- H. L. Mencken 53473% 53474Until Eve arrived, this was a man's world. 53475 -- Richard Armour 53476% 53477UNTOLD WEALTH: 53478 What you left out on April 15th. 53479% 53480Up against the net, redneck mother, 53481Mother who has raised your son so well; 53482He's seventeen and hackin' on a Macintosh, 53483Flaming spelling errors and raisin' hell... 53484% 53485Usage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec ... inputdir 53486% 53487Use a pun, go to jail. 53488% 53489Use an accordion. Go to jail. 53490 -- KFOG, San Francisco 53491% 53492Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent 53493if no birds sang there except those that sang best. 53494 -- Henry Van Dyke 53495% 53496USENET would be a better laboratory is there were 53497more labor and less oratory. 53498 -- Elizabeth Haley 53499% 53500User hostile. 53501% 53502User, n.: 53503 A programmer who will believe anything you tell him. 53504% 53505User, n.: 53506 The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot." 53507 -- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top" 53508 53509[I always thought "computer professional" was the phrase hackers used 53510 when they meant "idiot." Ed.] 53511% 53512Using encryption on the Internet is the equivalent of arranging 53513an armoured car to deliver credit card information from someone 53514living in a cardboard box to someone living on a park bench. 53515 -- Gene Spafford, Purdue University 53516% 53517Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach. 53518 -- S. C. Johnson 53519% 53520Using [Windows] for any sort of serious work is like playing an old 53521text-based adventure game. You're five feet from making it to your 53522goal, when bup-POW! a ten ton rock falls on your head. Because you 53523didn't disarm the trap three hours before. [...] 53524 53525I always hated those adventure games. 53526 -- David Gerard 53527% 53528Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef. 53529 -- Tom Robbins 53530% 53531/usr/news/gotcha 53532% 53533Usually, when a lot of men get together, it's called a war. 53534 -- Mel Brooks, "The Listener" 53535% 53536Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, 53537opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none. 53538 -- Doug Larson 53539% 53540VACATION: 53541 A two-week binge of rest and relaxation so intense that 53542 it takes another 50 weeks of your restrained workaday 53543 life-style to recuperate. 53544% 53545Vail's Second Axiom: 53546 The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the 53547 amount of work already completed. 53548% 53549Valerie: Aww, Tom, you're going maudlin on me ... 53550Tom: I reserve the right to wax maudlin as I wane eloquent ... 53551 -- Tom Chapin 53552% 53553Van Roy's Law: 53554 An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. 53555% 53556Van Roy's Law: 53557 Honesty is the best policy - there's less competition. 53558 53559Van Roy's Truism: 53560 Life is a whole series of circumstances beyond your control. 53561% 53562Vanilla, adj.: 53563 Ordinary flavor, standard. See FLAVOR. When used of food, 53564very often does not mean that the food is flavored with vanilla 53565extract! For example, "vanilla-flavored won ton soup" (or simply 53566"vanilla won ton soup") means ordinary won ton soup, as opposed to hot 53567and sour won ton soup. 53568% 53569Variables don't; constants aren't. 53570% 53571Vax Vobiscum 53572% 53573Vegetables are what food eats. 53574Fruit are vegetables that fool you by tasting good. 53575Fish are fast moving vegetables. 53576Mushrooms are what grows on vegetables when food's done with them. 53577 -- Meat Eater's Credo, according to Jim Williams 53578% 53579Vegetarians beware! You are what you eat. 53580% 53581Velilind's Laws of Experimentation: 53582 1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once. 53583 2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points. 53584% 53585Veni, Vidi, VISA: 53586 I came, I saw, I did a little shopping. 53587% 53588Verba volant, scripta manent! 53589% 53590Vermouth always makes me brilliant unless it makes me idiotic. 53591 -- E. F. Benson 53592% 53593Very few people do anything creative after the age of thirty-five. The 53594reason is that very few people do anything creative before the age of 53595thirty-five. 53596 -- Joel Hildebrand 53597% 53598Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters. 53599% 53600Very few things actually get manufactured these days, because in an 53601infinitely large Universe, such as the one in which we live, most things one 53602could possibly imagine, and a lot of things one would rather not, grow 53603somewhere. A forest was discovered recently in which most of the trees grew 53604ratchet screwdrivers as fruit. The life cycle of the ratchet screwdriver is 53605quite interesting. Once picked it needs a dark dusty drawer in which it can 53606lie undisturbed for years. Then one night it suddenly hatches, discards its 53607outer skin that crumbles into dust, and emerges as a totally unidentifiable 53608little metal object with flanges at both ends and a sort of ridge and a hole 53609for a screw. This, when found, will get thrown away. No one knows what the 53610screwdriver is supposed to gain from this. Nature, in her infinite wisdom, 53611is presumably working on it. 53612% 53613Very few things happen at the right time, and the rest do not happen 53614at all. The conscientious historian will correct these defects. 53615 -- Herodotus 53616% 53617Vests are to suits as seat-belts are to cars. 53618% 53619VI: 53620 A hungry dog hunts best. 53621 A hungrier dog hunts even better. 53622VII: 53623 Decreased business base increases overhead. 53624 So does increased business base. 53625VIII: 53626 The most unsuccessful four years in the education of a cost-estimator 53627 is fifth grade arithmetic. 53628IX: 53629 Acronyms and abbreviations should be used to the maximum extent 53630 possible to make trivial ideas profound. Q.E.D. 53631X: 53632 Bulls do not win bull fights; people do. 53633 People do not win people fights; lawyers do. 53634 -- Norman Augustine 53635% 53636Victory uber allies! 53637% 53638Viking, n.: 53639 1. Daring Scandinavian seafarers, explorers, adventurers, 53640 entrepreneurs world-famous for their aggressive, nautical import 53641 business, highly leveraged takeovers and blue eyes. 53642 2. Bloodthirsty sea pirates who ravaged northern Europe beginning 53643 in the 9th century. 53644 53645Hagar's note: The first definition is much preferred; the second is used 53646only by malcontents, the envious, and disgruntled owners of waterfront 53647property. 53648% 53649Vila: "I think I have just made the biggest mistake of my life." 53650Orac: "It is unlikely. I would predict there are far greater mistakes 53651 waiting to be made by someone with your obvious talent for it." 53652% 53653Vini, vidi, vici. 53654[I came, I saw, I conquered]. 53655 -- Gaius Julius Caesar 53656% 53657Violence is a sword that has no handle -- you have to hold the blade. 53658% 53659Violence is molding. 53660% 53661Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. 53662 -- Salvor Hardin 53663% 53664Violence stinks, no matter which end of it you're on. But now and then 53665there's nothing left to do but hit the other person over the head with a 53666frying pan. Sometimes people are just begging for that frypan, and if we 53667weaken for a moment and honor their request, we should regard it as 53668impulsive philanthropy, which we aren't in any position to afford, but 53669shouldn't regret it too loudly lest we spoil the purity of the deed. 53670 -- Tom Robbins 53671% 53672VIRGINIA: 53673 A group of beautifully mounted hunters galloping behind 53674 baying hounds in pursuit of a union organizer. 53675% 53676Virginia law forbids bathtubs in the house; tubs must be kept in the 53677yard. 53678% 53679VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) 53680 Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count to 53681 ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this 53682 morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you 53683 wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of 53684 that old underwear you own. 53685% 53686VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) 53687 You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is 53688 sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and 53689 sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus 53690 drivers. 53691% 53692"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from. 53693% 53694Virtue does not always demand a heavy sacrifice -- 53695only the willingness to make it when necessary. 53696 -- Frederick Dunn 53697% 53698Virtue is its own punishment. 53699 -- Denniston 53700% 53701Virtue is not left to stand alone. 53702He who practices it will have neighbors. 53703 -- Confucius 53704% 53705Virtue would go far if vanity did not keep it company. 53706 -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld 53707% 53708Visit beautiful Vergas Minnesota. 53709% 53710Visit beautiful Wisconsin Dells. 53711% 53712Visits always give pleasure: if not on arrival, then on the departure. 53713 -- Edouard Le Berquier, "Pensees des Autres" 53714% 53715Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving 53716from where you left them to where you can't find them. 53717% 53718Vitamin C deficiency is apauling. 53719% 53720VMS is like a nightmare about RSX-11M. 53721% 53722VMS, n.: 53723 The world's foremost multi-user adventure game. 53724% 53725VMS version 2.0 ==> 53726% 53727Voiceless it cries, 53728Wingless flutters, 53729Toothless bites, 53730Mouthless mutters. 53731What am I? 53732% 53733VOLCANO: 53734 A mountain with hiccups. 53735% 53736Volcanoes have a grandeur that is grim 53737And earthquakes only terrify the dolts, 53738And to him who's scientific 53739There is nothing that's terrific 53740In the pattern of a flight of thunderbolts! 53741 -- W. S. Gilbert, "The Mikado" 53742% 53743Volley Theory: 53744 It is better to have lobbed and lost 53745 than never to have lobbed at all. 53746% 53747Von Neumann was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Von Neumann 53748supposedly had the habit of simply writing answers to homework assignments on 53749the board (the method of solution being, of course, obvious) when he was asked 53750how to solve problems. One time one of his students tried to get more helpful 53751information by asking if there was another way to solve the problem. Von 53752Neumann looked blank for a moment, thought, and then answered, "Yes.". 53753% 53754Vote anarchist. 53755% 53756Vote early and vote often. 53757 -- Al Capone's slogan for Big Bill Thompson's anti-reform 53758 campaign for Mayor of Chicago, 1926. Big Bill won. 53759% 53760Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and 53761TAX-DEFERRED! 53762% 53763VUJA DE: 53764 The feeling that you've *never*, *ever* been in this situation before. 53765% 53766VYARZERZOMANIMORORSEZASSEZANSERAREORSES? 53767% 53768Wagner's music is better than it sounds. 53769 -- Mark Twain 53770% 53771Wait for that wisest of all counselors, Time. 53772 -- Pericles 53773% 53774Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?" 537751st customer: "I'll have tea." 537762nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!" 53777 (Waiter exits, returns) 53778Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?" 53779% 53780Wake up all you citizens, hear your country's call, 53781Not to arms and violence, But peace for one and all. 53782Crush out hate and prejudice, fear and greed and sin, 53783Help bring back her dignity, restore her faith again. 53784 53785Work hard for a common cause, don't let our country fall. 53786Make her proud and strong again, democracy for all. 53787Yes, make our country strong again, keep our flag unfurled. 53788Make our country well again, respected by the world. 53789 53790Make her whole and beautiful, work from sun to sun. 53791Stand tall and labor side by side, because there's so much to be done. 53792Yes, make her whole and beautiful, united strong and free, 53793Wake up, all you citizens, It's up to you and me. 53794 -- Pansy Myers Schroeder 53795% 53796Wake up and smell the coffee. 53797 -- Ann Landers 53798% 53799Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered 53800a capital crime. For a first offense, that is. 53801% 53802Walk softly and carry a big stick. 53803 -- Theodore Roosevelt 53804% 53805Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser. 53806% 53807Walking on water wasn't built in a day. 53808 -- Jack Kerouac 53809% 53810Wall Street indices predicted nine out of the last five recessions 53811 -- Paul A. Samuelson, Nobel laureate in economics 53812 (Newsweek, Science and Stocks, 19 Sep. 1966.) 53813% 53814Walt: Dad, what's gradual school? 53815Garp: Gradual school? 53816Walt: Yeah. Mom says her work's more fun now that she's teaching 53817 gradual school. 53818Garp: Oh. Well, gradual school is someplace you go and gradually 53819 find out that you don't want to go to school anymore. 53820 -- The World According To Garp 53821% 53822Walters' Rule: 53823 All airline flights depart from the gates most distant from 53824 the center of the terminal. Nobody ever had a reservation 53825 on a plane that left Gate 1. 53826% 53827Wanna buy a duck? 53828% 53829Wanna tell you all a story 'bout a man named Jed, 53830A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed. 53831But then one day he was shootin' at some food, 53832When up through the ground come a bubblin' crude -- oil, that is; 53833 black gold; "Texas tea" ... 53834 53835Well the next thing ya know, old Jed's a millionaire. 53836The kinfolk said, "Jed, move away from there!" 53837They said, "Californy is the place ya oughta be", 53838So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly -- Hills, that is; 53839 swimmin' pools; movie stars. 53840% 53841War doesn't prove who's right, just who's left. 53842% 53843War hath no fury like a non-combatant. 53844 -- Charles Edward Montague 53845% 53846War is an equal opportunity destroyer. 53847% 53848War is delightful to those who have had no experience of it. 53849 -- Desiderius Erasmus 53850% 53851War is like love, it always finds a way. 53852 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Mother Courage" 53853% 53854War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military. 53855 -- Clemenceau 53856% 53857War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ketchup is a vegetable. 53858% 53859War spares not the brave, but the cowardly. 53860 -- Anacreon 53861% 53862WARNING: 53863 Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your 53864mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth of hair on 53865your palms, and make a difference in the outcome of your favorite war. 53866% 53867WARNING! 53868 This system is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need! 53869A special circuit in the computer called a "critical detector" senses the 53870user's emotional state in terms of how desperate they are to get their program 53871to run. The "critical detector" then creates a bug in the program proportional 53872to the desperation of the user. Threatening the terminal with violence only 53873aggravates the situation, causing the program to immediately crash or the 53874entire system to go down. Likewise, attempts to use another terminal may cause 53875it to core dump. (They all belong to the same LAN.) Keep cool and say nice 53876things to the terminal. 53877% 53878Warning: Do not look directly into laser with remaining eye. 53879% 53880Warning: Listening to WXRT on April Fools' Day is not recommended for 53881those who are slightly disoriented the first few hours after waking 53882up. 53883 -- Chicago Reader 4/22/83 53884% 53885Warning: Trespassers will be shot. 53886Survivors will be shot again. 53887% 53888WARNING!!! 53889This machine is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need. 53890 53891A special circuit in the machine called "critical detector" senses the 53892operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he/she is to use the 53893machine. The "critical detector" then creates a malfunction proportional 53894to the desperation of the operator. Threatening the machine with violence 53895only aggravates the situation. Likewise, attempts to use another machine 53896may cause it to malfunction. They belong to the same union. Keep cool 53897and say nice things to the machine. Nothing else seems to work. 53898 53899See also: flog(1), tm(1) 53900% 53901Warp 7 -- It's a law we can live with. 53902% 53903Was there a time when dancers with their fiddles 53904In children's circuses could stay their troubles? 53905There was a time they could cry over books, 53906But time has set its maggot on their track. 53907Under the arc of the sky they are unsafe. 53908What's never known is safest in this life. 53909Under the skysigns they who have no arms 53910Have cleanest hands, and, as the heartless ghost 53911Alone's unhurt, so the blind man sees best. 53912 -- Dylan Thomas, "Was There A Time" 53913% 53914Washington, D.C: Fifty square miles almost completely surrounded by reality. 53915% 53916Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm. 53917 -- John F. Kennedy 53918% 53919[Washington, D.C.] is the home of... taste for 53920the people -- the big, the bland and the banal. 53921 -- Ada Louise Huxtable 53922% 53923Washington, D.C: Wasting your money since 1810. 53924% 53925Wasn't there something about a PASCAL programmer 53926knowing the value of everything and the Wirth of nothing? 53927% 53928Waste not fresh tears over old griefs. 53929 -- Euripides 53930% 53931Waste not, get your budget cut next year. 53932% 53933Wasting time is an important part of living. 53934% 53935Watch all-night Donna Reed reruns until your mind resembles oatmeal. 53936% 53937Watch your mouth, kid, or you'll find yourself floating home. 53938 -- Han Solo 53939% 53940Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody. 53941 -- Mark Twain 53942% 53943Watership Down: 53944You've read the book. You've seen the movie. Now eat the stew! 53945% 53946Watson's Law: 53947 The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the 53948 number and significance of any persons watching it. 53949% 53950WE: 53951 The single most important word in the world. 53952% 53953We all agree on the necessity of compromise. We just can't agree on 53954when it's necessary to compromise. 53955 -- Larry Wall 53956% 53957We all declare for liberty, but in using the 53958same word we do not all mean the same thing. 53959 -- Abraham Lincoln 53960% 53961We all dream of being the darling of everybody's darling. 53962% 53963We all know that no one understands anything that isn't funny. 53964% 53965We all like praise, but a hike in our pay is the best kind of ways. 53966% 53967We all live in a state of ambitious poverty. 53968 -- Decimus Junius Juvenalis 53969% 53970We all live under the same sky, but we don't all have the same horizon. 53971 -- Dr. Konrad Adenauer 53972% 53973We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which 53974divides us is whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being 53975correct. My own feeling is that it is not crazy enough. 53976 -- Niels Bohr 53977% 53978We are all born charming, fresh and spontaneous and must be civilized 53979before we are fit to participate in society. 53980 -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly 53981 Correct Behaviour" 53982% 53983We are all born equal... just some of us are more equal than others. 53984% 53985We are all born mad. Some remain so. 53986 -- Samuel Beckett 53987% 53988We are all dying -- and we're gonna be dead for a long time. 53989% 53990We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. 53991 -- Oscar Wilde 53992% 53993We are all so much together and yet we are all dying of loneliness. 53994 -- Albert Schweitzer 53995% 53996We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm. 53997 -- Winston Churchill 53998% 53999We are anthill men upon an anthill world. 54000 -- Ray Bradbury 54001% 54002We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it. 54003 -- Whole Earth Catalog 54004% 54005We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities. 54006 -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo" 54007% 54008We are drowning in information but starved for knowledge. 54009 -- John Naisbitt, "Megatrends" 54010% 54011We are each entitled to our own opinion, but no one is entitled to his 54012own facts. 54013 -- Patrick Moynihan 54014% 54015We are each only one drop in a great 54016ocean -- but some of the drops sparkle! 54017% 54018We are experiencing system trouble -- do not adjust your terminal. 54019% 54020We are giving instruction to FBI agents in the various Chinese 54021dialects ... to handle present and likely future contingencies. 54022 -- J. Hoover 54023% 54024We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to 54025socialism, because socialism is defunct. It dies all by itself. The bad 54026thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say socialism? 54027 -- Fidel Castro 54028% 54029We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it. 54030 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower 54031% 54032We are Microsoft. Unix is irrelevant. 54033Openness is futile. Prepare to be assimilated. 54034% 54035We are not a clone. 54036% 54037We are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one. 54038 -- John Fisher 54039% 54040We are not alone. 54041% 54042We are not loved by our friends for what we are; 54043rather, we are loved in spite of what we are. 54044 -- Victor Hugo 54045% 54046We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat's next-to-last 54047theorem. 54048 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 54049% 54050We are preparing to think about contemplating preliminary work on plans to 54051develop a schedule for producing the 10th Edition of the Unix Programmers 54052Manual. 54053 -- Andrew Hume 54054% 54055We are simple killers of people and destroyers of property. 54056% 54057We are so fond of each other because our ailments are the same. 54058 -- Jonathan Swift 54059% 54060We are sorry. We cannot complete your call as dialed. Please check 54061the number and dial again or ask your operator for assistance. 54062 54063This is a recording. 54064% 54065We are stronger than our skin of flesh and metal, for we carry and 54066share a spectrum of suns and lands that lends us legends as we craft 54067our immortality and interweave our destinies of water and air, 54068leaving shadows that gather color of their own, until they outshine 54069the substance that cast them. 54070% 54071We are the people our parents warned us about. 54072% 54073We are the unwilling... led by the unqualified... 54074to do the unnecessary... for the ungrateful... 54075 -- GI in Vietnam, 1970 54076% 54077We are unavoidably drawn towards conservatism and death. 54078The order is not insignificant. 54079 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 54080% 54081We are what we are. 54082% 54083We are what we pretend to be. 54084 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. 54085% 54086We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved. 54087% 54088We can embody the truth, but we cannot know it. 54089 -- Yates 54090% 54091We can found no scientific discipline, nor a healthy profession on the 54092technical mistakes of the Department of Defense and IBM. 54093 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 54094% 54095We cannot command nature except by obeying her. 54096 -- Sir Francis Bacon 54097% 54098We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once. 54099 -- Calvin Coolidge 54100% 54101We cannot put the face of a person on a stamp unless said person is 54102deceased. My suggestion, therefore, is that you drop dead. 54103 -- James E. Day, Postmaster General 54104% 54105We could do that, but it would be wrong, that's for sure. 54106 -- Richard M. Nixon 54107% 54108We could nuke Baghdad into glass, wipe it with Windex, tie fatback on our 54109feet and go skating. 54110 -- Fred Reed, Air Force Times columnist 54111% 54112We dedicate this book to our fellow citizens who, for love of truth, 54113take from their own wants by taxes and gifts, and now and then send 54114forth one of themselves as dedicated servant, to forward the search 54115into the mysteries and marvelous simplicities of this strange and 54116beautiful Universe, Our home. 54117 -- "Gravitation", Misner, Thorne, and Wheeler 54118% 54119We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty! 54120 -- Vroomfondel 54121% 54122We don't believe in rheumatism and true love until after the first attack. 54123 -- Marie Ebner von Eschenbach 54124% 54125We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company. 54126% 54127We don't care how they do it in New York. 54128% 54129We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand. 54130 -- James Watt, noted theologian 54131% 54132We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything. 54133% 54134We don't know who discovered water, but we're certain it wasn't a fish. 54135% 54136We don't know who it was that discovered water, but we're pretty sure 54137that it wasn't a fish. 54138 -- Marshall McLuhan 54139% 54140We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out. 54141 -- Decca Recording Company, turning down the Beatles, 1962 54142% 54143We don't need no education, we don't need no thought control. 54144 -- Pink Floyd 54145% 54146We don't need no indirection We don't need no compilation 54147We don't need no flow control We don't need no load control 54148No data typing or declarations No link edit for external bindings 54149Hey! did you leave the lists alone? Hey! did you leave that source alone? 54150Chorus: (Chorus) 54151 Oh No. It's just a pure LISP function call. 54152 54153We don't need no side-effecting We don't need no allocation 54154We don't need no flow control We don't need no special-nodes 54155No global variables for execution No dark bit-flipping for debugging 54156Hey! did you leave the args alone? Hey! did you leave those bits alone? 54157(Chorus) (Chorus) 54158 -- "Another Glitch in the Call", a la Pink Floyd 54159% 54160We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers. 54161% 54162We don't smoke and we don't chew, and we don't go with girls that do. 54163 -- Walter Summers 54164% 54165We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't 54166understand the hardware, but we can *see* the blinking lights! 54167% 54168We found on St. Paul's only two kinds of birds -- the booby and the noddy... 54169Both are of a tame and stupid disposition, and are so unaccustomed to 54170visitors, that I could have killed any number of them with my geological 54171hammer. 54172 -- Charles Darwin 54173% 54174We gave you an atomic bomb, what do you want, mermaids? 54175 -- I. I. Rabi to the Atomic Energy Commission 54176% 54177We give advice, but we cannot give the wisdom to profit by it. 54178 -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld 54179% 54180We gotta get out of this place, 54181If it's the last thing we ever do. 54182 -- The Animals 54183% 54184We had it tough ... I had to get up at 9 o'clock at night, half an 54185hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work 29 hours down 54186mill, and when we came home our Dad would kill us, and dance about on 54187our grave singing Hallelujah ... 54188 -- Monty Python 54189% 54190We have an equal opportunity Calculus class -- it's fully integrated. 54191% 54192We have art that we do not die of the truth. 54193 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 54194% 54195We have ears, earther...FOUR OF THEM! 54196% 54197We have gone on piling weapon upon weapon, missile upon missile, new 54198levels of destructiveness upon old ones. We have done this helplessly, 54199almost involuntarily: like the victims of some sort of hypnotism, like 54200men in a dream, like lemmings heading for the sea, like the children of 54201Hamelin marching blindly along behind their Pied Piper. And the result 54202is that today we have achieved, we and the Russians together, in the 54203creation of these devices and their means of delivery, levels of 54204redundancy of such grotesque dimensions as to defy rational understanding. 54205 -- George Kennan, May 19, 1981 54206% 54207We have lingered long enough on the shores of the Cosmic Ocean. 54208 -- Carl Sagan 54209% 54210We have met the enemy, and he is us. 54211 -- Walt Kelly 54212% 54213We have more to fear from the bungling of the incompetent 54214than from the machinations of the wicked. 54215% 54216We have no scorched earth policy. 54217We have a policy of scorched Communists. 54218 -- General Efrain Rios Montt, President of Guatemala, 1982 54219% 54220We have not inherited the earth from our parents, we've borrowed it from 54221our children. 54222% 54223We have nowhere else to go... this is all we have. 54224 -- Margaret Mead 54225% 54226We have only two things to worry about: That things will never get 54227back to normal, and that they already have. 54228% 54229We have reason to be afraid. This is a terrible place. 54230 -- John Berryman 54231% 54232We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his 54233hands for masturbation. 54234 -- Lily Tomlin 54235% 54236We have seen the light at the end of the tunnel, and it's out. 54237% 54238We have the flu. I don't know if this particular strain has an 54239official name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death 54240Flu". You may have had it yourself. The main symptom is that you wish 54241you had another setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that 54242said "ELECTROCUTION". 54243 54244Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a) your 54245teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength. Midway through the brushing 54246process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a 54247couple of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways 54248out of your mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste 54249stalagmites that would bond your head permanently to the bathroom 54250floor, which is how the police would find you. 54251 54252You know the kind of flu I'm talking about. 54253 -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide" 54254% 54255We interrupt this fortune for an important announcement... 54256% 54257We invented a new protocol and called it Kermit, after Kermit the Frog, 54258star of "The Muppet Show." [3] 54259 54260[3] Why? Mostly because there was a Muppets calendar on the wall when we 54261were trying to think of a name, and Kermit is a pleasant, unassuming sort of 54262character. But since we weren't sure whether it was OK to name our protocol 54263after this popular television and movie star, we pretended that KERMIT was an 54264acronym; unfortunately, we could never find a good set of words to go with the 54265letters, as readers of some of our early source code can attest. Later, while 54266looking through a name book for his forthcoming baby, Bill Catchings noticed 54267that "Kermit" was a Celtic word for "free", which is what all Kermit programs 54268should be, and words to this effect replaced the strained acronyms in our 54269source code (Bill's baby turned out to be a girl, so he had to name her Becky 54270instead). When BYTE Magazine was preparing our 1984 Kermit article for 54271publication, they suggested we contact Henson Associates Inc. for permission 54272to say that we did indeed name the protocol after Kermit the Frog. Permission 54273was kindly granted, and now the real story can be told. I resisted the 54274temptation, however, to call the present work "Kermit the Book." 54275 -- Frank da Cruz, "Kermit - A File Transfer Protocol" 54276% 54277We know next to nothing about virtually everything. It is not necessary 54278to know the origin of the universe; it is necessary to want to know. 54279Civilization depends not on any particular knowledge, but on the disposition 54280to crave knowledge. 54281 -- George Will 54282% 54283We laugh at the Indian philosopher, who to account for the support 54284of the earth, contrived the hypothesis of a huge elephant, and to support 54285the elephant, a huge tortoise. If we will candidly confess the truth, we 54286know as little of the operation of the nerves, as he did of the manner in 54287which the earth is supported: and our hypothesis about animal spirits, or 54288about the tension and vibrations of the nerves, are as like to be true, as 54289his about the support of the earth. His elephant was a hypothesis, and our 54290hypotheses are elephants. Every theory in philosophy, which is built on 54291pure conjecture, is an elephant; and every theory that is supported partly 54292by fact, and partly by conjecture, is like Nebuchadnezzar's image, whose 54293feet were partly of iron, and partly of clay. 54294 -- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764 54295% 54296We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves. 54297 -- Eric Hoffer 54298% 54299We love our little Johnny 54300He's the best little boy in all the world 54301And we wouldn't trade him for anything 54302That's how much we love him. 54303No, we couldn't live without him 54304So that's why, since he died, 54305We keep him safe in our G.E. freezer. 54306He's so good, so well-behaved, 54307Even better than before; 54308Oh, such a wonderful kid he is. 54309Alice and me, we'll never be lonely, 54310Never miss our little Johnny, 54311He'll never grow up and leave us 54312That's why we love him like we do. 54313 -- Mr. Mincemeat 54314% 54315"We maintain that the very foundation of our way of life is what we call 54316free enterprise," said Cash McCall, "but when one of our citizens 54317show enough free enterprise to pile up a little of that profit, we do 54318our best to make him feel that he ought to be ashamed of himself." 54319 -- Cameron Hawley 54320% 54321We may eventually come to realize that chastity is no more a virtue 54322than malnutrition. 54323 -- Alex Comfort 54324% 54325We may hope that machines will eventually compete with men in all 54326purely intellectual fields. But which are the best ones to start 54327with? Many people think that a very abstract activity, like the 54328playing of chess, would be best. It can also be maintained that it is 54329best to provide the machine with the best sense organs that money can 54330buy, and then teach it to understand and speak English. 54331 -- Alan M. Turing 54332% 54333We may not be able to persuade Hindus that Jesus and not Vishnu should govern 54334their spiritual horizon, nor Moslems that Lord Buddha is at the center of 54335their spiritual universe, nor Hebrews that Mohammed is a major prophet, nor 54336Christians that Shinto best expresses their spiritual concerns, to say 54337nothing of the fact that we may not be able to get Christians to agree among 54338themselves about their relationship to God. But all will agree on a 54339proposition that they possess profound spiritual resources. If, in addition, 54340we can get them to accept the further proposition that whatever form the 54341Deity may have in their own theology, the Deity is not only external, but 54342internal and acts through them, and they themselves give proof or disproof 54343of the Deity in what they do and think; if this further proposition can be 54344accepted, then we come that much closer to a truly religious situation on 54345earth. 54346 -- Norman Cousins, from his book "Human Options" 54347% 54348We may not like doctors, but at least they doctor. Bankers are not ever 54349popular but at least they bank. Policeman police and undertakers take 54350under. But lawyers do not give us law. We receive not the gladsome light 54351of jurisprudence, but rather precedents, objections, appeals, stays, 54352filings and forms, motions and counter-motions, all at $250 an hour. 54353 -- Nolo News, summer 1989 54354% 54355We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always 54356respect their good judgment. 54357% 54358...we must be wary of granting too much power to natural selection 54359by viewing all basic capacities of our brain as direct adaptations. 54360I do not doubt that natural selection acted in building our oversized 54361brains -- and I am equally confident that our brains became large as 54362an adaptation for definite roles (probably a complex set of interacting 54363functions). But these assumptions do not lead to the notion, often 54364uncritically embraced by strict Darwinians, that all major capacities 54365of the brain must arise as direct products of natural selection. 54366 -- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man" 54367% 54368We must believe that it is the darkest before the dawn 54369of a beautiful new world. We will see it when we believe it. 54370 -- Saul Alinsky 54371% 54372We must die because we have known them. 54373 -- Ptah-hotep, 2000 B.C. 54374% 54375...we must not judge the society of the future by considering whether or not 54376we should like to live in it; the question is whether those who have grown up 54377in it will be happier than those who have grown up in our society or those of 54378the past. 54379 -- Joseph Wood Krutch 54380% 54381We must remember that in time of war what is said on the enemy's side of 54382the front is always propaganda and what is said on our side of the front 54383is truth and righteousness, the cause of humanity and a crusade for peace. 54384 -- Walter Lippmann 54385% 54386We must remember the First Amendment which protects any shrill jackass 54387no matter how self-seeking. 54388 -- F. G. Withington 54389% 54390We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to 54391the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his 54392children smart. 54393 -- H. L. Mencken, "Minority Report" 54394% 54395We only acknowledge small faults in order 54396to make it appear that we are free from great ones. 54397 -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld 54398% 54399We ought to be very grateful that we have tools. Millions of years ago 54400people did not have them, and home projects were extremely difficult. 54401For example, when a primitive person wanted to put up paneling, he had 54402to drive the little paneling nails into the cave wall with his bare 54403fist, so generally the paneling wound up getting spattered with 54404primitive blood, which isn't really all that bad when you consider how 54405ugly paneling is to begin with. 54406 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 54407% 54408We prefer to believe that the absence of inverted commas guarantees the 54409originality of a thought, whereas it may be merely that the utterer has 54410forgotten its source. 54411 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play" 54412% 54413We prefer to speak evil of ourselves 54414rather than not speak of ourselves at all. 54415% 54416We promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears. 54417% 54418We rarely find anyone who can say he has lived a happy life, and who, 54419content with his life, can retire from the world like a satisfied guest. 54420 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 54421% 54422We read to say that we have read. 54423% 54424We really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of our best 54425friends are trying to kill us. 54426% 54427We secure our friends not by accepting favors but by doing them. 54428 -- Thucydides 54429% 54430We seem to have forgotten the simple truth that reason is never perfect. 54431Only non-sense attains perfection. 54432 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 54433% 54434We seldom repent talking too little, but very often talking too much. 54435 -- Jean de la Bruyere 54436% 54437We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is 54438in it - and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot 54439stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that 54440is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more. 54441 -- Mark Twain 54442% 54443We should be glad we're living in the time that we are. If any of us had been 54444born into a more enlightened age, I'm sure we would have immediately been taken 54445out and shot. 54446 -- Strange de Jim 54447% 54448We should have a great many fewer disputes in the world if only words were 54449taken for what they are, the signs of our ideas only, and not for things 54450themselves. 54451 -- John Locke 54452% 54453We should have a Vollyballocracy. We elect a six-pack of presidents. 54454Each one serves until they screw up, at which point they rotate. 54455 -- Dennis Miller 54456% 54457We should keep the Panama Canal. After all, we stole it fair and square. 54458 -- S. I. Hayakawa 54459% 54460We should realize that a city is better off with bad laws, so long as they 54461remain fixed, then with good laws that are constantly being altered, that 54462the lack of learning combined with sound common sense is more helpful than 54463the kind of cleverness that gets out of hand, and that as a general rule, 54464states are better governed by the man in the street than by intellectuals. 54465These are the sort of people who want to appear wiser than the laws, who 54466want to get their own way in every general discussion, because they feel that 54467they cannot show off their intelligence in matters of greater importance, and 54468who, as a result, very often bring ruin on their country. 54469 -- Cleon, Thucydides, III, 37 translation by Rex Warner 54470% 54471We the unwilling, led by the ungrateful, are doing the impossible. 54472We've done so much, for so long, with so little, 54473that we are now qualified to do something with nothing. 54474% 54475We the Users, in order to form a more perfect system, establish priorities, 54476ensure connective tranquility, provide for common repairs, promote 54477preventive maintenance, and secure the blessings of liberty for ourselves 54478and our processes, do ordain and establish this Software of The Unixed States 54479of America. 54480% 54481We thrive on euphemism. We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet 54482size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative". In 54483fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie". And now, here 54484are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads: 54485 54486EUPHEMISM REALITY 54487------------------- ------------------------- 54488Excited about life's journey No concept of reality 54489Spiritually evolved Oversensitive 54490Moody Manic-depressive 54491Soulful Quiet manic-depressive 54492Poet Boring manic-depressive 54493Sultry/Sensual Easy 54494Uninhibited Lacking basic social skills 54495Unaffected and earthy Slob and lacking basic social skills 54496Irreverent Nasty and lacking basic social skills 54497Very human Quasimodo's best friend 54498Swarthy Sweaty even when cold or standing still 54499Spontaneous/Eclectic Scatterbrained 54500Flexible Desperate 54501Aging child Self-centered adult 54502Youthful Over 40 and trying to deny it 54503Good sense of humor Watches a lot of television 54504% 54505We thrive on euphemism. We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet 54506size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative". In 54507fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie". And now, here 54508are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads: 54509 54510EUPHEMISM REALITY 54511------------------- ------------------------- 54512Independent thinker Crazy 54513High spirited Crazy and hyperactive 54514Free spirited Crazy and irresponsible 54515Outrageous Crazy and obnoxious 54516Exotic Crazy with a pierced nose/nipple 54517Cuddly Overweight 54518Huggable/Zaftig/Rubenesque Fat (there's a lot to love) 54519Big and beautiful Really Fat 54520Fat 'n' sassy Really Fat and loud 54521Svelte/Slender Anorexic 54522Dynamic Pushy 54523Assertive Pushy with a mean streak 54524Feisty/Ambitious Would kill own mother for next corporate rung 54525Demanding Will make your life a living hell 54526Looking for Mr./Ms. Right Looking for Mr./Ms. Rich 54527% 54528We totally deny the allegations, and 54529we're trying to identify the allegators. 54530% 54531We tried to close Ohio's borders and ran into a Constitutional problem. 54532There's a provision in the Constitution that says you can't close your 54533borders to interstate commerce, and garbage is a form of interstate commerce. 54534 -- Ohio Lt. Governor Paul Leonard 54535% 54536[We] use bad software and bad machines for the wrong things. 54537 -- R. W. Hamming 54538% 54539We warn the reader in advance that the proof presented here 54540depends on a clever but highly unmotivated trick. 54541 -- Howard Anton, "Elementary Linear Algebra" 54542% 54543We was playin' the Homestead Grays in the city of Pitchburgh. Josh 54544[Gibson] comes up in the last of the ninth with a man on and us a run 54545behind. Well, he hit one. The Grays waited around and waited around, 54546but finally the empire rules it ain't comin' down. So we win. The 54547next day, we was disputin' the Grays in Philadelphia when here come 54548a ball outta the sky right in the glove of the Grays' center fielder. 54549The empire made the only possible call. "You're out, boy!" he says 54550to Josh. "Yesterday, in Pitchburgh." 54551 -- Satchel Paige 54552% 54553We were happily married for eight months. Unfortunately, we 54554were married for four and a half years. 54555 -- Nick Faldo 54556% 54557We were so poor that we thought new clothes meant someone had died. 54558% 54559We were so poor we couldn't afford a watchdog. 54560If we heard a noise at night, we'd bark ourselves. 54561 -- Crazy Jimmy 54562% 54563We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. But there was 54564also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a 54565French restaurant. [...] 54566 I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk 54567white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I had punched her 54568boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone told him, "You ride the 54569bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was lean and tough like a bad 54570rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he fought me. And when we finished 54571there were no winners, just men doing what men must do. [...] 54572 "Stop the car," the girl said. 54573 There was a look of terrible sadness in her eyes. She knew about the 54574woman of the tollway. I knew not how. I started to speak, but she raised an 54575arm and spoke with a quiet and peace I will never forget. 54576 "I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the tollway 54577belle's for thee." 54578 The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was a lie. 54579Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I poured whiskey 54580onto my granola and faced a new day. 54581 -- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway 54582 Competition 54583% 54584We who revel in nature's diversity and feel instructed by every animal 54585tend to brand Homo sapiens as the greatest catastrophe since the Cretaceous 54586extinction. 54587 -- S. J. Gould 54588% 54589We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one 54590technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter. 54591% 54592We will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love, 54593we will cry over things we used to laugh & 54594our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentle 54595creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then & 54596in the end a summer with wild winds & 54597new friends will be. 54598% 54599We will not be responsible for damage to equipment, your ego, county wide 54600power outages, spontaneously generated mini (or larger) black holes, 54601planetary disruptions, or personal injury or worse that may result from the 54602use of this material. 54603 -- taken from Samuel M. Goldwasser's 54604 Sam's Strobe FAQ Notes on the Troubleshooting 54605 and Repair of Electronic Flash Units and Strobe Lights 54606% 54607We wish you a Hare Krishna 54608We wish you a Hare Krishna 54609We wish you a Hare Krishna 54610And a Sun Myung Moon! 54611 -- Maxwell Smart 54612% 54613WEAPON: 54614 An index of the lack of development of a culture. 54615% 54616Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise. 54617 -- John Heywood 54618% 54619Wedding, n.: 54620 A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one 54621 undertakes to become nothing and nothing undertakes to become 54622 supportable. 54623 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 54624% 54625Wedding rings are the world's smallest handcuffs. 54626% 54627Weed's Axiom: 54628 Never ask two questions in a business letter. 54629 The reply will discuss the one in which you are 54630 least interested and say nothing about the other. 54631% 54632Weekend, where are you? 54633% 54634Weiler's Law: 54635 Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. 54636% 54637Weinberg, as a young grocery clerk, advised the grocery manager to get 54638rid of rutabagas which nobody every bought. He did so. "Well, kid, that 54639was a great idea," said the manager. Then he paused and asked the killer 54640question, "NOW what's the least popular vegetable?" 54641 54642Law: Once you eliminate your #1 problem, #2 gets a promotion. 54643 -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting" 54644% 54645Weinberg's First Law: 54646 Progress is only made on alternate Fridays. 54647% 54648Weinberg's Principle: 54649 An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping 54650 on to the grand fallacy. 54651% 54652Weinberg's Second Law: 54653 If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, 54654 then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. 54655 -- Gerald Weinberg 54656% 54657Weiner's Law of Libraries: 54658 There are no answers, only cross references. 54659% 54660Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter. 54661He'll come in handy if you run out of food. 54662 -- Dean McLaughlin 54663% 54664Welcome to boggle - do you want instructions? 54665 54666D G G O 54667 54668O Y A N 54669 54670A D B T 54671 54672K I S P 54673Enter words: 54674> 54675% 54676Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the men are strong, 54677The women are pretty, and the children are above-average. 54678 -- Garrison Keillor 54679% 54680Welcome to the Zoo! 54681% 54682Welcome to UNIX! Enjoy your session! Have a great time! Note the 54683use of exclamation points! They are a very effective method for 54684demonstrating excitement, and can also spice up an otherwise plain-looking 54685sentence! However, there are drawbacks! Too much unnecessary exclaiming 54686can lead to a reduction in the effect that an exclamation point has on 54687the reader! For example, the sentence 54688 54689 Jane went to the store to buy bread 54690 54691should only be ended with an exclamation point if there is something 54692sensational about her going to the store, for example, if Jane is a 54693cocker spaniel or if Jane is on a diet that doesn't allow bread or if 54694Jane doesn't exist for some reason! See how easy it is?! Proper control 54695of exclamation points can add new meaning to your life! Call now to receive 54696my free pamphlet, "The Wonder and Mystery of the Exclamation Point!"! 54697Enclose fifteen(!) dollars for postage and handling! Operators are 54698standing by! (Which is pretty amazing, because they're all cocker spaniels!) 54699% 54700Welcome to Utah. 54701If you think our liquor laws are funny, you should see our underwear! 54702% 54703Well, anyway, I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized 54704that like most books, it had too many words. The plot was the same one that 54705all James Bond books have: An evil person tries to blow up the world, but 54706James Bond kills him and his henchmen and makes love to several attractive 54707women. There, that's it: 24 words. But the guy who wrote the book took 54708*thousands* of words to say it. 54709 Or consider "The Brothers Karamazov", by the famous Russian alcoholic 54710Fyodor Dostoyevsky. It's about these two brothers who kill their father. 54711Or maybe only one of them kills the father. It's impossible to tell because 54712what they mostly do is talk for nearly a thousand pages. If all Russians talk 54713as much as the Karamazovs did, I don't see how they found time to become a 54714major world power. 54715 I'm told that Dostoyevsky wrote "The Brothers Karamazov" to raise 54716the question of whether there is a God. So why didn't he just come right 54717out and say: "Is there a God? It sure beats the heck out of me." 54718 Other famous works could easily have been summarized in a few words: 54719 54720* "Moby Dick" -- Don't mess around with large whales because they symbolize 54721 nature and will kill you. 54722* "A Tale of Two Cities" -- French people are crazy. 54723 -- Dave Barry 54724% 54725We'll be recording at the Paradise Friday 54726night. Live, on the Death label. 54727 -- Swan, "Phantom of the Paradise" 54728% 54729Well begun is half done. 54730 -- Aristotle 54731% 54732"Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is 54733no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five 54734hundred." 54735 -- The Mahabharata 54736% 54737We'll cross that bridge when we come back to it later. 54738% 54739Well, didja wake up grouchy or did you let her sleep? 54740% 54741Well, don't worry about it... It's nothing. 54742 -- Lieutenant Kermit Tyler (Duty Officer of Shafter Information 54743 Center, Hawaii), upon being informed that Private Joseph 54744 Lockard had picked up a radar signal of what appeared to be 54745 at least 50 planes soaring toward Oahu at almost 180 miles 54746 per hour, December 7, 1941. 54747% 54748Well, fancy giving money to the Government! 54749Might as well have put it down the drain. 54750Fancy giving money to the Government! 54751Nobody will see the stuff again. 54752Well, they've no idea what money's for -- 54753Ten to one they'll start another war. 54754I've heard a lot of silly things, but, Lor'! 54755Fancy giving money to the Government! 54756 -- A. P. Herbert 54757% 54758We'll have solar energy when the power companies develop a sunbeam meter. 54759% 54760Well, he didn't know what to do, so he decided to look at the government, 54761to see what they did, and scale it down and run his life that way. 54762 -- Laurie Anderson 54763% 54764Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a 54765lot of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke. Hartke is a 54766governor or mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the 54767reason you'll be reading about him is that he's one of the 50 top 54768contenders for the 1984 Democratic presidential nomination. These men 54769will spend the next 18 months going around the country engaging in the 54770most degrading activities imaginable, such as wearing idiot hats and 54771appearing on "Meet the Press". "Meet the Press" is one of those Sunday 54772morning public interest shows that the public is not the least bit 54773interested in. It features a panel of reporters who ask questions of a 54774guest politician, who wins an Amana home freezer if he can get through 54775the entire show without answering a single question ... 54776 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics" 54777% 54778Well I looked at my watch and it said a quarter to five, 54779The headline screamed that I was still alive, 54780I couldn't understand it, I thought I died last night. 54781I dreamed I'd been in a border town, 54782In a little cantina that the boys had found, 54783I was desperate to dance, just to dig the local sounds. 54784When along came a senorita, 54785She looked so good that I had to meet her, 54786I was ready to approach her with my English charm, 54787When her brass knuckled boyfriend grabbed me by the arm, 54788And he said, grow some funk of your own, amigo, 54789Grow some funk of your own. 54790We no like to with the gringo fight, 54791But there might be a death in Mexico tonite. 54792... 54793Take my advice, take the next flight, 54794And grow some funk, grow your funk at home. 54795 -- Elton John, "Grow Some Funk of Your Own" 54796% 54797Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them 54798back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds, 54799or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they 54800couldn't afford it, that would hold them off. 54801 -- President Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile 54802% 54803Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *___can* 54804you believe?! 54805 -- Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward] 54806% 54807Well, I'm disenchanted too. We're all disenchanted. 54808 -- James Thurber 54809% 54810Well, it's hard for a mere man to believe that woman doesn't have equal 54811rights. 54812 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower 54813% 54814Well, Jim, I'm not much of an actor either. 54815% 54816We'll know that rock is dead when you have to get a degree to work in it. 54817% 54818WE'LL LOOK INTO IT: 54819 By the time the wheels make a full turn, we 54820 assume you will have forgotten about it,too. 54821% 54822Well, my daddy left home when I was three, 54823And he didn't leave much for Ma and me, 54824Just and old guitar an'a empty bottle of booze. 54825Now I don't blame him 'cause he ran and hid, 54826But the meanest thing that he ever did, 54827Was before he left he went and named me Sue. 54828... 54829But I made me a vow to the moon and the stars, 54830I'd search the honkey tonks and the bars, 54831And kill the man that give me that awful name. 54832It was Gatlinburg in mid-July, 54833I'd just hit town and my throat was dry, 54834Thought I'd stop and have myself a brew, 54835At an old saloon on a street of mud, 54836Sitting at a table, dealing stud, 54837Sat that dirty (bleep) that named me Sue. 54838... 54839Now, I knew that snake was my own sweet Dad, 54840From a worn out picture that my Mother had, 54841And I knew that scar on his cheek and his evil eye... 54842 -- Johnny Cash, "A Boy Named Sue" 54843% 54844Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail, 54845And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail; 54846I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues, 54847I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. 54848 54849If you think that it's nice that you get what you C, 54850Then go : illogical statement with your whole family, 54851'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views. 54852I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. 54853 54854On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze, 54855But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze. 54856Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse, 54857I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. 54858 -- Core Dumped Blues 54859% 54860Well, of course it worked. You made the ritual blood sacrifice. If you 54861bleed on a machine while working on it, it will work. Unless it 54862doesn't. In which case, you need someone else to bleed on it as well. 54863 -- Wayne Pascoe 54864% 54865We'll pivot at warp 2 and bring all tubes to bear, Mr. Sulu! 54866% 54867Well, some take delight in the carriages a-rolling, 54868And some take delight in the hurling and the bowling, 54869But I take delight in the juice of the barley, 54870And courting pretty fair maids in the morning bright and early. 54871% 54872Well thaaaaaaat's okay. 54873% 54874Well, the handwriting is on the floor. 54875 -- Joe E. Lewis 54876% 54877We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, 54878we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail. 54879 -- Dave Barry 54880% 54881Well, we'll really have a party, 54882but we've gotta post a guard outside. 54883 -- Eddie Cochran, "Come On Everybody" 54884% 54885"Well, well, well! Well if it isn't fat stinking billy goat Billy Boy in 54886poison! How art thou, thou globby bottle of cheap stinking chip oil? Come 54887and get one in the yarbles, if ya have any yarble, ya eunuch jelly thou!" 54888 -- Alex in "Clockwork Orange" 54889% 54890Well, we're big rock singers, we've got golden fingers, 54891And we're loved everywhere we go. 54892We sing about beauty, and we sing about truth, 54893At ten thousand dollars a show. 54894We take all kind of pills to give us all kind of thrills, 54895But the thrill we've never known, 54896Is the thrill that'll get'cha, when you get your picture, 54897On the cover of the Rolling Stone. 54898 54899I got a freaky old lady, name of Cole King Katie, 54900Who embroiders on my jeans. 54901I got my poor old gray-haired daddy, 54902Drivin' my limousine. 54903Now it's all designed, to blow our minds, 54904But our minds won't be really be blown; 54905Like the blow that'll get'cha, when you get your picture, 54906On the cover of the Rolling Stone. 54907 54908We got a lot of little, teen-aged, blue-eyed groupies, 54909Who'll do anything we say. 54910We got a genuine Indian guru, that's teachin' us a better way. 54911We got all the friends that money can buy, 54912So we never have to be alone. 54913And we keep gettin' richer, but we can't get our picture, 54914On the cover of the Rolling Stone. 54915 -- Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show 54916 [They eventually DID make the cover of RS. Ed.] 54917% 54918Well, we've come full circle, Lord; I'd like to think there's some 54919higher meaning to all this. It would certainly reflect well on you. 54920% 54921WELL-ADJUSTED: 54922 The ability to play bridge or golf as if they were games. 54923% 54924We 54925own 54926this land. 54927 54928I don't spend 54929any time 54930on this land. 54931 54932This 54933is a tiny 54934little piece 54935 54936of my 54937business 54938interests. 54939 54940It's like 54941a grain 54942of sand. 54943 -- "Alliance Airport, from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot, 54944 recited on ABC's Town Meeting, June 29, 1992. 54945 From SPY Magazine, November 1992 54946% 54947We're all in this alone. 54948 -- Lily Tomlin 54949% 54950We're constantly being bombarded by insulting and humiliating music, which 54951people are making for you the way they make those Wonder Bread products. 54952Just as food can be bad for your system, music can be bad for your spiritual 54953and emotional feelings. It might taste good or clever, but in the long run, 54954it's not going to do anything for you. 54955 -- Bob Dylan, "LA Times", September 5, 1984 54956% 54957We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from 54958the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging 54959you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right 54960in his bowl full of jelly. 54961 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" 54962% 54963We're fantastically incredibly sorry for all these extremely unreasonable 54964things we did. I can only plead that my simple, barely-sentient friend 54965and myself are underprivileged, deprived and also college students. 54966 -- Waldo D. R. Dobbs 54967% 54968We're happy little Vegemites, 54969 As bright as bright can be. 54970We all enjoy our Vegemite 54971 For breakfast, lunch and tea. 54972% 54973Were it not for the presence of the unwashed and the half-educated, the 54974formless, queer and incomplete, the unreasonable and absurd, the infinite 54975shapes of the delightful human tadpole, the horizon would not wear so wide 54976a grin. 54977 -- F. M. Colby, "Imaginary Obligations" 54978% 54979We're Knights of the Round Table 54980We dance whene'er we're able 54981We do routines and chorus scenes We're knights of the Round Table 54982With footwork impeccable Our shows are formidable 54983We dine well here in Camelot But many times 54984We eat ham and jam and Spam a lot. We're given rhymes 54985 That are quite unsingable 54986In war we're tough and able, We're opera mad in Camelot 54987Quite indefatigable We sing from the diaphragm a lot. 54988Between our quests 54989We sequin vests 54990And impersonate Clark Gable 54991It's a busy life in Camelot. 54992I have to push the pram a lot. 54993 -- Monty Python 54994% 54995We're living in a golden age. All you need is gold. 54996 -- D. W. Robertson 54997% 54998We're mortal -- which is to say, we're ignorant, stupid, and sinful -- 54999but those are only handicaps. Our pride is that nevertheless, now and 55000then, we do our best. A few times we succeed. What more dare we ask for? 55001 -- Ensign Flandry 55002% 55003"We're not talking about the same thing," he said. "For you the world is 55004weird because if you're not bored with it you're at odds with it. For me 55005the world is weird because it is stupendous, awesome, mysterious, 55006unfathomable; my interest has been to convince you that you must accept 55007responsibility for being here, in this marvelous world, in this marvelous 55008desert, in this marvelous time. I wanted to convince you that you must 55009learn to make every act count, since you are going to be here for only a 55010short while, in fact, too short for witnessing all the marvels of it." 55011 -- Don Juan 55012% 55013We're only in it for the volume. 55014 -- Black Sabbath 55015% 55016Were there no women, men might live like gods. 55017 -- Thomas Dekker 55018% 55019Wernher von Braun settled for a V-2 when he coulda had a V-8. 55020% 55021Westheimer's Discovery: 55022 A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a 55023couple of hours in the library. 55024% 55025Wethern's Law: 55026 Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. 55027% 55028We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center 55029of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week, 55030but for some reason nobody's ever done it. 55031 -- Andy Rooney 55032% 55033We've tried each spinning space mote 55034And reckoned its true worth: 55035Take us back again to the homes of men 55036On the cool, green hills of Earth. 55037 55038The arching sky is calling 55039Spacemen back to their trade. 55040All hands! Standby! Free falling! 55041And the lights below us fade. 55042Out ride the sons of Terra, 55043Far drives the thundering jet, 55044Up leaps the race of Earthmen, 55045Out, far, and onward yet-- 55046 55047We pray for one last landing 55048On the globe that gave us birth; 55049Let us rest our eyes on the fleecy skies 55050And the cool, green hills of Earth. 55051 -- Robert A. Heinlein, 1941 55052% 55053Wharbat darbid yarbou sarbay? 55054% 55055What!? Me worry? 55056 -- A. E. Neuman 55057% 55058What a bonanza! An unknown beginner to be directed by Lubitsch, in a script 55059by Wilder and Brackett, and to play with Paramount's two superstars, Gary 55060Cooper and Claudette Colbert, and to be beaten up by both of them! 55061 -- David Niven, "Bring On the Empty Horses" 55062% 55063What a misfortune to be a woman! And yet, the worst misfortune is not to 55064understand what a misfortune it is. 55065 -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855) 55066% 55067What a strange game. The only winning move is not to play. 55068 -- WOP, "War Games" 55069% 55070What, after all, is a halo? It's only one more thing to keep clean. 55071 -- Christopher Fry 55072% 55073What an artist dies with me! 55074 -- Nero 55075% 55076What an author likes to write most is his signature on the 55077back of a cheque. 55078 -- Brendan Francis 55079% 55080What awful irony is this? 55081We are as gods, but know it not. 55082% 55083What causes the mysterious death of everyone? 55084% 55085What color is a chameleon on a mirror? 55086% 55087What did ya do with your burden and your cross? 55088Did you carry it yourself or did you cry? 55089You and I know that a burden and a cross, 55090Can only be carried on one man's back. 55091 -- Louden Wainwright III 55092% 55093What did you bring that book I didn't want 55094to be read to out of about Down Under up for? 55095% 55096What did you do when the ship sank? 55097I grabbed a cake of soap and washed myself ashore. 55098% 55099What do I consider a reasonable person to be? I'd say a reasonable person 55100is one who accepts that we are all human and therefore fallible, and takes 55101that into account when dealing with others. Implicit in this definition is 55102the belief that it is the right and the responsibility of each person to 55103live his or her own life as he or she sees fit, to respect this right in 55104others, and to demand the assumption of this responsibility by others. 55105% 55106What do you give a man who has everything? Penicillin. 55107 -- Jerry Lester 55108% 55109What do you have when you have six lawyers buried up to their necks in sand? 55110Not enough sand. 55111% 55112What does education often do? 55113It makes a straight cut ditch of a free meandering brook. 55114 -- Henry David Thoreau 55115% 55116What does it mean if there is no fortune for you? 55117% 55118What does it take for Americans to do great things; to go to the moon, to 55119win wars, to dig canals linking oceans, to build railroads across a continent? 55120In independent thought about this question, Neil Armstrong and I concluded 55121that it takes a coincidence of four conditions, or in Neil's view, the 55122simultaneous peaking of four of the many cycles of American life. First, a 55123base of technology must exist from which to do the thing to be done. Second, 55124a period of national uneasiness about America's place in the scheme of human 55125activities must exist. Third, some catalytic event must occur that focuses 55126the national attention upon the direction to proceed. Finally, an articulate 55127and wise leader must sense these first three conditions and put forth with 55128words and action the great thing to be accomplished. The motivation of young 55129Americans to do what needs to be done flows from such a coincidence of 55130conditions. ... The Thomas Jeffersons, The Teddy Roosevelts, The John 55131Kennedys appear. We must begin to create the tools of leadership which they, 55132and their young frontiersmen, will require to lead us onward and upward. 55133 -- Dr. Harrison H. Schmidt 55134% 55135What does not destroy me, makes me stronger. 55136 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 55137% 55138What ever happened to happily ever after? 55139% 55140What excuses stand in your way? How can you eliminate them? 55141 -- Roger von Oech 55142% 55143What foods these morsels be! 55144% 55145What fools these morals be! 55146% 55147What fools these mortals be. 55148 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca 55149% 55150What garlic is to food, insanity is to art. 55151% 55152What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art. 55153% 55154What George Washington did for us was to throw out the British, so 55155that we wouldn't have a fat, insensitive government running our 55156country. Nice try anyway, George. 55157 -- Disk Jockey on KSFO/KYA 55158% 55159What goes up must come down. But don't expect it to come down 55160where you can find it. Murphy's Law applied to Newton's. 55161% 55162What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the 55163entrance? 55164% 55165What good is an obscenity trial except to popularize literature? 55166 -- Nero Wolfe, "The League of Frightened Men" 55167% 55168What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow 55169in his footsteps? 55170% 55171What good is it if you talk in flowers, and they think in pastry? 55172 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 55173% 55174What happened last night can happen again. 55175% 55176What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations 55177involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will 55178be pretty bad. 55179 -- Dave Barry 55180% 55181What happens to a dream deferred? 55182Does it dry up 55183Like a raisin in the sun? 55184Or fester like a sore -- 55185And then run? 55186Does it stink like rotten meat? 55187Or crust and sugar over -- 55188Like a syrupy sweet? 55189 55190Maybe it just sags 55191Like a heavy load. 55192 55193Or does it explode? 55194 -- Langston Hughes 55195% 55196What happens when you cut back the jungle? It recedes. 55197% 55198What has roots as nobody sees, 55199Is taller than trees, 55200Up, up it goes, 55201And yet never grows? 55202% 55203What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I hop into the shower 55204stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped in I landed 55205barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot character 55206from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off of 55207while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our 55208dog, Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up 55209powerful dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the 55210bathroom and wants to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any 55211one of which -- bear in mind that I am naked and, without my contact 55212lenses, essentially blind -- could result in the kind of injury where 55213you have to learn a whole new part if you want to sing the "Messiah", 55214if you get my drift. Then I hop right back out, because Robert, with 55215that uncanny sixth sense some children have -- you cannot teach it; 55216they either have it or they don't -- has chosen exactly that moment to 55217flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them. 55218 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face" 55219% 55220What I mean (and everybody else means) by the word QUALITY cannot be 55221broken down into subjects and predicates. This is not because Quality 55222is so mysterious but because Quality is so simple, immediate, and direct. 55223 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" 55224% 55225What I think is that the F-word is basically just a convenient nasty- 55226sounding word that we tend to use when we would really like to come up 55227with a terrifically witty insult, the kind Winston Churchill always 55228came up with when enormous women asked him stupid questions at 55229parties. 55230 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" 55231% 55232What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility. 55233% 55234What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I 55235definitely overpaid for my carpet. 55236 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 55237% 55238What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's 55239worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists? 55240 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 55241% 55242What if there had been room at the inn? 55243 -- Linda Festa on the origins of Christianity 55244% 55245What is a magician but a practicing theorist? 55246 -- Obi-Wan Kenobi 55247% 55248What is actually happening, I am afraid, is that we all tell each 55249other and ourselves that software engineering techniques should be 55250improved considerably, because there is a crisis. But there are a few 55251boundary conditions which apparently have to be satisfied: 55252 55253 1. We may not change our thinking habits. 55254 2. We may not change our programming tools. 55255 3. We may not change our hardware. 55256 4. We may not change our tasks. 55257 5. We may not change the organizational set-up 55258 in which the work has to be done. 55259 55260Now under these five immutable boundary conditions, we have to try to 55261improve matters. This is utterly ridiculous. 55262 55263Edsger W. Dijkstra, on receiving the ACM Turing Award in 1972 55264% 55265What is algebra, exactly? Is it one of those three-cornered things? 55266 -- J. M. Barrie 55267% 55268What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making 55269them puke. 55270 -- Steve Martin 55271% 55272What is food to one, is to others bitter poison. 55273 -- Titus Lucretius Carus 55274% 55275What is good? Everything that heightens the feeling of power in man, the 55276will to power, power itself. What is bad? Everything that is born of 55277weakness. Not contentedness but more power; not peace but war; not virtue 55278but fitness. The weak and the failures shall perish: first principle of 55279our love of man. And they shall even be given every possible assistance. 55280What is more harmful than any vice? Active pity for all the failures and 55281all the weak: Christianity. 55282 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 55283% 55284What is important is food, money and opportunities for scoring off one's 55285enemies. Give a man these three things and you won't hear much squawking 55286out of him. 55287 -- Brian O'Nolan, "The Best of Myles" 55288% 55289What is irritating about love is that it is a crime that requires 55290an accomplice. 55291 -- Charles Baudelaire 55292% 55293What is love but a second-hand emotion? 55294 -- Tina Turner 55295% 55296What is mind? No matter. 55297What is matter? Never mind. 55298 -- Thomas Hewitt Key (1799-1875) 55299% 55300What is now proved was once only imagin'd. 55301 -- William Blake 55302% 55303What is research but a blind date with knowledge? 55304 -- Will Harvey 55305% 55306What is robbing a bank compared with founding a bank? 55307 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera" 55308% 55309What is status? 55310 Status is when the President calls you for your opinion. 55311 55312Uh, no... 55313 Status is when the President calls you in to discuss a 55314 problem with him. 55315 55316Uh, that still ain't right... 55317 STATUS is when you're in the Oval Office talking to the President, 55318 and the phone rings. The President picks it up, listens for a 55319 minute, and hands it to you, saying, "It's for you." 55320% 55321What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern 55322computer? It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest 55323and the establishment of a Hilton on its peak. 55324% 55325"What is the Nature of God?" 55326 55327 CLICK...CLICK...WHIRRR...CLICK...=BEEP!= 55328 1 QT. SOUR CREAM 55329 1 TSP. SAUERKRAUT 55330 1/2 CUT CHIVES. 55331 STIR AND SPRINKLE WITH BACON BITS. 55332 55333"I've just GOT to start labeling my software..." 55334 -- Bloom County 55335% 55336What is the sound of one hand clapping? 55337% 55338What is this line of duty, and suffering? You are not supposed to suffer 55339if you are an assassin. The other person is supposed to suffer. 55340 -- Chiun, glory of the name of Sinanju, teacher of the youth 55341 from outside Sinanju named Remo. 55342% 55343What is tolerance? -- it is the consequence of humanity. We are all formed 55344of frailty and error; let us pardon reciprocally each other's folly -- that 55345is the first law of nature. 55346 -- Voltaire 55347% 55348What is truth? We must adopt a pragmatic definition: it is what is believed 55349to be the truth. A lie that is put across therefore becomes the truth and 55350may, therefore, be justified. The difficulty is to keep up lying... it is 55351simpler to tell the truth and if a sufficient emergency arises, to tell one, 55352big thumping lie that will then be believed. 55353 -- Ministry of Information, memo on the maintenance of 55354 British civilian morale, 1939 55355% 55356What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out, 55357which is the exact opposite. 55358 -- Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical_Essays", 1928 55359% 55360What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it. 55361% 55362What I've done, of course, is total garbage. 55363 -- R. Willard, Pure Math 430a 55364% 55365What kind of sordid business are you on now? I mean, man, whither 55366goest thou? Whither goest thou, America, in thy shiny car in the night? 55367 -- Jack Kerouac 55368% 55369What makes the Universe so hard to comprehend 55370is that there's nothing to compare it with. 55371% 55372What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us 55373is that they think themselves cleverer than we are. 55374% 55375What makes you think graduate school 55376is supposed to be satisfying? 55377 -- Erica Jong, "Fear of Flying" 55378% 55379What most people want is all of the power but none of the responsibility. 55380% 55381What no spouse of a writer can ever understand 55382is that a writer is working when he's staring out the window. 55383% 55384What nonsense people talk about happy marriages! 55385A man can be happy with any woman so long as he doesn't love her. 55386 -- Wilde 55387% 55388What on earth would a man do with himself 55389if something did not stand in his way? 55390 -- H. G. Wells 55391% 55392What one believes to be true either is true or becomes true. 55393 -- John Lilly 55394% 55395What one fool can do, another can. 55396 -- Ancient Simian proverb 55397% 55398What orators lack in depth they make up in length. 55399% 55400What pains others pleasures me, 55401At home am I in Lisp or C; 55402There i couch in ecstasy, 55403'Til debugger's poke i flee, 55404Into kernel memory. 55405In system space, system space, there shall i fare-- 55406Inside of a VAX on a silicon square. 55407% 55408What passes for optimism is most often the effect of an intellectual error. 55409 -- Raymond Aron, "The Opium of the Intellectuals" 55410% 55411What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing 55412more than man's transparency. 55413 -- George Nathan 55414% 55415What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism. 55416It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books 55417and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes 55418and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: Yes, 55419women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate 55420mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige 55421and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort. 55422 -- Susan Gordon 55423% 55424What really shapes and conditions and makes us is somebody only a few 55425of us ever have the courage to face: and that is the child you once 55426were, long before formal education ever got its claws into you -- that 55427impatient, all-demanding child who wants love and power and can't get 55428enough of either and who goes on raging and weeping in your spirit 55429till at last your eyes are closed and all the fools say, "Doesn't he 55430look peaceful?" It is those pent-up, craving children who make all 55431the wars and all the horrors and all the art and all the beauty and 55432discovery in life, because they are trying to achieve what lay beyond 55433their grasp before they were five years old. 55434 -- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels" 55435% 55436What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy? 55437 -- Ursula K. LeGuin 55438% 55439What scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch? 55440 -- J. D. Farley 55441% 55442What segment's this, that, laid to rest 55443On FHA0, is sleeping? 55444What system file, lay here a while This, this is "acct.run," 55445While hackers around it were weeping? Accounting file for everyone. 55446 Dump, dump it and type it out, 55447 The file, the highseg of login. 55448Why lies it here, on public disk 55449And why is it now unprotected? 55450A bug in incant, made it thus. Mount, mount all your DECtapes now 55451And copy the file somehow, somehow. The problem has not been corrected. 55452 Dump, dump it and type it out, 55453 The file, the highseg of login. 55454 -- to Greensleeves 55455% 55456What sin has not been committed in the name of efficiency? 55457% 55458What soon grows old? Gratitude. 55459 -- Aristotle 55460% 55461What, still alive at twenty-two, 55462A clean upstanding chap like you? 55463Sure, if your throat 'tis hard to slit, 55464Slit your girl's, and swing for it. 55465Like enough, you won't be glad, 55466When they come to hang you, lad: 55467But bacon's not the only thing 55468That's cured by hanging from a string. 55469So, when the spilt ink of the night 55470Spreads o'er the blotting pad of light, 55471Lads whose job is still to do 55472Shall whet their knives, and think of you. 55473 -- Hugh Kingsmill 55474% 55475What the deuce is it to me? You say that we go around the sun. If we went 55476around the moon it would not make a pennyworth of difference to me or my work. 55477 -- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet" 55478% 55479What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket. 55480% 55481What the hell is it good for? 55482 -- Robert Lloyd (engineer of the Advanced Computing Systems 55483 Division of IBM), to colleagues who insisted that the 55484 microprocessor was the wave of the future, c. 1968 55485% 55486What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away. 55487% 55488What the scientists have in their briefcases is terrifying. 55489 -- Nikita Khruschev 55490% 55491What the world *really* needs is a good Automatic Bicycle Sharpener. 55492% 55493What they said: 55494 What they meant: 55495 55496"I recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever." 55497 (Yes, that about sums it up.) 55498"The amount of mathematics she knows will surprise you." 55499 (And I recommend not giving that school a dime...) 55500"I simply can't say enough good things about him." 55501 (What a screw-up.) 55502"I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine." 55503 (I can't tell you how happy I am that she left our firm.) 55504"When this person left our employ, we were quite hopeful he would go 55505a long way with his skills." 55506 (We hoped he'd go as far as possible.) 55507"You won't find many people like her." 55508 (In fact, most people can't stand being around her.) 55509"I cannot recommend him too highly." 55510 (However, to the best of my knowledge, he has never committed a 55511 felony in my presence.) 55512% 55513What they said: 55514 What they meant: 55515 55516"If you knew this person as well as I know him, you would think as much 55517of him as I do." 55518 (Or as little, to phrase it slightly more accurately.) 55519"Her input was always critical." 55520 (She never had a good word to say.) 55521"I have no doubt about his capability to do good work." 55522 (And it's nonexistent.) 55523"This candidate would lend balance to a department like yours, which 55524already has so many outstanding members." 55525 (Unless you already have a moron.) 55526"His presentation to my seminar last semester was truly remarkable: 55527one unbelievable result after another." 55528 (And we didn't believe them, either.) 55529"She is quite uniform in her approach to any function you may assign her." 55530 (In fact, to life in general...) 55531% 55532What they said: 55533 What they meant: 55534 55535"You will be fortunate if you can get him to work for you." 55536 (We certainly never succeeded.) 55537There is no other employee with whom I can adequately compare him. 55538 (Well, our rats aren't really employees...) 55539"Success will never spoil him." 55540 (Well, at least not MUCH more.) 55541"One usually comes away from him with a good feeling." 55542 (And such a sigh of relief.) 55543"His dissertation is the sort of work you don't expect to see these days; 55544in it he has definitely demonstrated his complete capabilities." 55545 (And his IQ, as well.) 55546"He should go far." 55547 (The farther the better.) 55548"He will take full advantage of his staff." 55549 (He even has one of them mowing his lawn after work.) 55550% 55551What they say: What they mean: 55552 55553A major technological breakthrough... Back to the drawing board. 55554Developed after years of research Discovered by pure accident. 55555Project behind original schedule due We're working on something else. 55556 to unforeseen difficulties 55557Designs are within allowable limits We made it, stretching a point or two. 55558Customer satisfaction is believed So far behind schedule that they'll be 55559 assured grateful for anything at all. 55560Close project coordination We're gonna spread the blame, campers! 55561Test results were extremely gratifying It works, and boy, were we surprised! 55562The design will be finalized... We haven't started yet, but we've got 55563 to say something. 55564The entire concept has been rejected The guy who designed it quit. 55565We're moving forward with a fresh We hired three new guys, and they're 55566 approach kicking it around. 55567A number of different approaches... We don't know where we're going, but 55568 we're moving. 55569Preliminary operational tests are Blew up when we turned it on. 55570 inconclusive 55571Modifications are underway We're starting over. 55572% 55573What they say: What they mean: 55574 55575New Different colors from previous version. 55576All New Not compatible with previous version. 55577Exclusive Nobody else has documentation. 55578Unmatched Almost as good as the competition. 55579Design Simplicity The company wouldn't give us any money. 55580Fool-proof Operation All parameters are hard-coded. 55581Advanced Design Nobody really understands it. 55582Here At Last Didn't get it done on time. 55583Field Tested We don't have any simulators. 55584Years of Development Finally got one to work. 55585Unprecedented Performance Nothing ever ran this slow before. 55586Revolutionary Disk drives go 'round and 'round. 55587Futuristic Only runs on a next generation supercomputer. 55588No Maintenance Impossible to fix. 55589Performance Proven Worked through Beta test. 55590Meets Tough Quality Standards It compiles without errors. 55591Satisfaction Guaranteed We'll send you another pack if it fails. 55592Stock Item We shipped it before and can do it again. 55593% 55594What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel. 55595% 55596What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING! 55597% 55598What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer. 55599% 55600What this country needs is a good five cent nickel. 55601% 55602What this country needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon. 55603% 55604What time is it? 55605I don't know, it keeps changing. 55606% 55607What upsets me is not that you lied to me, 55608but that from now on I can no longer believe you. 55609 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 55610% 55611What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn? 55612 -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn" 55613% 55614What we Are is God's give to us. 55615What we Become is our gift to God. 55616% 55617What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence. 55618 -- Wittgenstein 55619% 55620What we do not understand we do not possess. 55621 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 55622% 55623What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which 55624nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday 55625Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space- 55626launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, during which it just 55627remains 7 a.m. This way we could all wake up via a civilized gradual 55628process of stretching and belching and scratching, and it would still 55629be only 7 a.m. when we were ready to actually emerge from bed. 55630 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" 55631% 55632What we need is either less corruption, 55633or more chance to participate in it. 55634% 55635What we see depends on mainly what we look for. 55636 -- John Lubbock 55637% 55638What we wish, that we readily believe. 55639 -- Demosthenes 55640% 55641What will happen when the 32-bit Unix date goes negative in mid-January 556422038 does not bear thinking about. 55643 -- Henry Spencer 55644% 55645What will you do if all your problems aren't solved by the time you die? 55646% 55647What would you do with a brain if you had one? 55648 -- Judy Garland as Dorothy Gale, "The Wizard of Oz" 55649% 55650What you don't know can hurt you, only you won't know it. 55651% 55652What you don't know won't help you much either. 55653 -- D. Bennett 55654% 55655What you see is from outside yourself, and may come, or not, but is beyond 55656your control. But your fear is yours, and yours alone, like your voice, or 55657your fingers, or your memory, and therefore yours to control. If you feel 55658powerless over your fear, you have not yet admitted that it is yours, to do 55659with as you will. 55660 -- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "Stormqueen" 55661% 55662What you want, what you're hanging around in the world waiting for, is for 55663something to occur to you. 55664 -- Robert Frost 55665 55666 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 55667 referring to AST's.] 55668% 55669Whatever became of eternal truth? 55670% 55671Whatever became of Strange de Jim? Well, he found a substitute for 55672cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your nostrils 55673as far as they will go. Then you sniff talcum powder while shredding 55674hundred dollar bills." 55675 -- Herb Caen 55676% 55677Whatever doesn't succeed in two months and a half in California will 55678never succeed. 55679 -- Rev. Henry Durant, founder of the University of California 55680% 55681Whatever else can be said about sex, it cannot be called a dignified 55682performance. 55683 -- Helen Lawrenson 55684% 55685Whatever happened to the good old days 55686when sex was dirty and the air was clean? 55687% 55688Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not 55689nailed down. 55690 -- Collis P. Huntingdon 55691% 55692Whatever is not nailed down is mine. 55693Whatever I can pry up is not nailed down. 55694 -- Collis P. Huntingdon, railroad tycoon 55695% 55696Whatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts. 55697 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) 55698% 55699Whatever occurs from love is always beyond good and evil. 55700 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 55701% 55702Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not cockroaches! 55703 -- Mom 55704% 55705Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half 55706as good. Luckily this is not difficult. 55707 -- Charlotte Whitton 55708% 55709Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that 55710you do it. 55711 -- Mahatma Gandhi 55712% 55713Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this: that you are dreadfully like 55714other people. 55715 -- James Russell Lowell, "My Study Windows" 55716% 55717Whatever you want to do, you have to do something else first. 55718% 55719What's a cult? It just means not enough people to make a minority. 55720 -- Robert Altman 55721% 55722What's all this bru-ha-ha? 55723% 55724What's another word for "thesaurus"? 55725 -- Steven Wright 55726% 55727What's done to children, they will do to society. 55728% 55729What's page one, a preemptive strike? 55730 -- Professor Freund, Communication, Ramapo State College 55731% 55732What's so funny? 55733% 55734What's the matter with the world? Why, there ain't but one thing wrong 55735with every one of us - and that's "selfishness." 55736 -- The Best of Will Rogers 55737% 55738What's the ugliest part of your body? 55739What's the ugliest part of your body? 55740Some say your nose, 55741Some say your toes, 55742But I think it's your mind. 55743 -- Frank Zappa, 1965 55744% 55745What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it? 55746 -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who" 55747% 55748What's this stuff about people being "released on their 55749own recognizance"? Aren't we all out on own recognizance? 55750% 55751When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him -- that's where the 55752money is. 55753 -- Robespierre 55754% 55755When a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far! 55756% 55757When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose? 55758% 55759When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the 55760thing," it's the money. 55761 -- Kin Hubbard 55762% 55763When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half 55764loop? 55765% 55766When a girl can read the handwriting on 55767the wall, she may be in the wrong rest room. 55768% 55769When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the 55770inattentions of one. 55771 -- Helen Rowland 55772% 55773When a lion meets another with a louder roar, 55774the first lion thinks the last a bore. 55775 -- George Bernard Shaw 55776% 55777When a lot of remedies are suggested for 55778a disease, that means it can't be cured. 55779 -- Chekhov, "The Cherry Orchard" 55780% 55781When a man assumes a public trust, he 55782should consider himself as public property. 55783 -- Thomas Jefferson 55784% 55785When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life. 55786 -- Samuel Johnson 55787% 55788When a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight, 55789it concentrates his mind wonderfully. 55790 -- Samuel Johnson 55791% 55792When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. 55793But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute-- and it's longer than any 55794hour. That's relativity. 55795 -- Albert Einstein 55796% 55797When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him 55798keep her. 55799 -- Sacha Guitry 55800% 55801When a man you like switches from what he said a year ago, or four years 55802ago, he is a broad-minded man who has courage enough to change his mind 55803with changing conditions. When a man you don't like does it, he is a 55804liar who has broken his promises. 55805 -- Franklin Adams 55806% 55807When a person goes on a diet, the first thing he loses is his temper. 55808% 55809When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is 55810not far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space 55811travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere. 55812 -- Robert A. Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love" 55813% 55814When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see the 55815sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain 55816relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten. 55817 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" 55818% 55819When a woman gives me a present I have always two surprises: 55820first is the present, and afterward, having to pay for it. 55821 -- Donnay 55822% 55823When a woman marries again it is because she detested her first husband. 55824When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife. 55825 -- Wilde 55826% 55827When alerted to an intrusion by tinkling glass or otherwise, 1) Calm 55828yourself 2) Identify the intruder 3) If hostile, kill him. 55829 55830Step number 3 is of particular importance. If you leave the guy alive 55831out of misguided softheartedness, he will repay your generosity of spirit 55832by suing you for causing his subsequent paraplegia and seek to force you 55833to support him for the rest of his rotten life. In court he will plead 55834that he was depressed because society had failed him, and that he was 55835looking for Mother Teresa for comfort and to offer his services to the 55836poor. In that lawsuit, you will lose. If, on the other hand, you kill 55837him, the most that you can expect is that a relative will bring a wrongful 55838death action. You will have two advantages: first, there be only your 55839story; forget Mother Teresa. Second, even if you lose, how much could 55840the bum's life be worth anyway? A lot less than 50 years worth of 55841paralysis. Don't play George Bush and Saddam Hussein. Finish the job. 55842 -- G. Gordon Liddy's Forbes column on personal security 55843% 55844When Alexander Graham Bell died in 1922, the telephone people 55845interrupted service for one minute in his honor. They've been 55846honoring him intermittently ever since, I believe. 55847 -- The Grab Bag 55848% 55849When all else fails, EAT!!! 55850% 55851When all else fails, pour a pint of Guinness in the gas tank, advance 55852the spark 20 degrees, cry "God Save the Queen!", and pull the starter 55853knob. 55854 -- MG "Series MGA" Workshop Manual 55855% 55856When all else fails, try Kate Smith. 55857% 55858When all other means of communication fail, try words. 55859% 55860When among apes, one must play the ape. 55861% 55862When angry, count four; when very angry, swear. 55863 -- Mark Twain 55864% 55865When are you BUTTHEADS gonna learn that you can't oppose Gestapo 55866tactics *with* Gestapo tactics? 55867 -- Reuben Flagg 55868% 55869When arguments fail, use a blackjack. 55870 -- Edward "Spike" O'Donnell, Al Capone associate 55871% 55872When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before 55873the white men came, an Indian said simply "Ours." 55874 -- Vine Deloria, Jr. 55875% 55876When asked the definition of "pi": 55877The Mathematician: 55878 Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the 55879 circumference of a circle and its diameter. 55880The Physicist: 55881 Pi is 3.1415927, plus or minus 0.000000005. 55882The Engineer: 55883 Pi is about 3. 55884% 55885When Boy Scouts do it, it's intense. 55886% 55887When childhood dies, its corpses are called adults. 55888 -- Brian Aldiss 55889% 55890When choosing between two evils, I always 55891like to take the one I've never tried before. 55892 -- Mae West, "Klondike Annie" 55893% 55894When confronted by a difficult problem, you can often solve it quite 55895easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger 55896handle this?" 55897% 55898When Cthulhu calls, He calls collect! 55899% 55900When democracy granted democratic methods to us in times of opposition, this 55901was bound to happen in a democratic system. However, we National Socialists 55902never asserted that we represented a democratic point of view, but we have 55903declared openly that we used the democratic methods only to gain power and 55904that, after assuming the power, we would deny to our adversaries without any 55905consideration the means which were granted to us in times of our opposition. 55906 -- Josef Goebbels 55907% 55908When Dexter's on the Internet, can Hell be far behind? 55909% 55910When does later become never? 55911% 55912When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask? Well, last year, I 55913think it was a Tuesday. 55914% 55915When eating an elephant take one bite at a time. 55916 -- Gen. C. Abrams 55917% 55918When forecasting, give them a number 55919or give them a date, but never both. 55920% 55921When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to 55922guarantee them. 55923% 55924When God saw how faulty was man He tried again and made woman. As to 55925why he then stopped there are two opinions. One of them is woman's. 55926 -- DeGourmont 55927% 55928When he got in trouble in the ring, [Ali] imagined a door swung open and 55929inside he could see neon, orange, and green lights blinking, and bats 55930blowing trumpets and alligators blowing trombones, and he could hear snakes 55931screaming. Weird masks and actors' clothes hung on the wall, and if he 55932stepped across the sill and reached for them, he knew that he was committing 55933himself to destruction. 55934 -- George Plimpton 55935% 55936When I came back to Dublin I was courtmartialed in my absence and sentenced 55937to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence. 55938 -- Brendan Behan 55939% 55940When I demanded of my friend what viands he preferred, 55941He quoth: "A large cold bottle, and a small hot bird!" 55942 -- Eugene Field, "The Bottle and the Bird" 55943% 55944when i die, i'd like to go peacefully. 55945in my sleep. 55946like my grandfather. 55947 55948not screaming, 55949like the passengers in his car... 55950% 55951When I first arrived in this country I had only fifteen cents in my pocket 55952and a willingness to compromise. 55953 -- Weber cartoon caption 55954% 55955When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, 55956then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving. 55957 -- Steven Wright 55958% 55959When I grow up, I want to be an honest 55960lawyer so things like that can't happen. 55961 -- Richard M. Nixon, as a boy, on the Teapot Dome scandal 55962% 55963When I have one foot in the grave I will tell the truth about women. I 55964shall tell it, jump into my coffin, pull the lid over me, and say, "Do 55965what you like now." 55966 -- Tolstoy 55967% 55968When I hear a man applauded by the mob I always feel a pang of pity 55969for him. All he has to do to be hissed is to live long enough. 55970 -- H. L. Mencken, "Minority Report" 55971% 55972When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a 55973year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire 55974winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer. 55975 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" 55976% 55977When I kill, the only thing I feel is recoil. 55978% 55979When I look at the horse heads and men's faces, the immense 55980live torrent once raised by my will and now whirling to 55981nowhere through the red sunset desert, I often wonder where 55982I am in this torrent. 55983 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan 55984% 55985When I said "we", officer, I was referring to 55986myself, the four young ladies, and, of course, the goat. 55987% 55988When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said 55989to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane." 55990 -- Franklyn Ajaye 55991% 55992When I say the magic word to all these people, they will vanish forever. 55993I will then say the magic words to you, and you, too, will vanish -- never 55994to be seen again. 55995 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "Between Time and Timbuktu" 55996% 55997When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve 55998it on silver trays on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality. 55999 -- Al Capone 56000% 56001When I think about myself, 56002I almost laugh myself to death, 56003My life has been one great big joke, Sixty years in these folks' world 56004A dance that's walked The child I works for calls me girl 56005A song that's spoke, I say "Yes ma'am" for working's sake. 56006I laugh so hard I almost choke Too proud to bend 56007When I think about myself. Too poor to break, 56008 I laugh until my stomach ache, 56009 When I think about myself. 56010My folks can make me split my side, 56011I laughed so hard I nearly died, 56012The tales they tell, sound just like lying, 56013They grow the fruit, 56014But eat the rind, 56015I laugh until I start to crying, 56016When I think about my folks. 56017 -- Maya Angelou 56018% 56019When I was 16, I thought there was no hope for my father. 56020By the time I was 20, he had made great improvement. 56021% 56022When I was a boy I was told that anyone could become President. 56023Now I'm beginning to believe it. 56024 -- Clarence Darrow 56025% 56026When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the backyard... 56027I was an only child... eventually. 56028 -- Steven Wright 56029% 56030When I was a kid I said to my father one afternoon, "Daddy, will you 56031take me to the zoo?" He answered, "If the zoo wants you let them come 56032and get you." 56033 -- Jerry Lewis 56034% 56035When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd 56036all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. 56037It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear. 56038 -- Jack Handey 56039% 56040When I was a young man, I vowed never to marry until I found the ideal 56041woman. Well, I found her -- but alas, she was waiting for the ideal man. 56042 -- Robert Schuman 56043% 56044When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if 56045I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?" 56046 -- Steven Wright 56047% 56048When I was growing up my mother kept telling me we're just friends. 56049 56050I tell ya I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my Dad kept the kid's 56051picture that came with the wallet he bought. 56052 -- Rodney Dangerfield 56053% 56054When I was in college, there were a lot of four-letter words you couldn't 56055say in front of girls. Now you can say them. But you can't say "girls". 56056% 56057When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into 56058the soul of the boy sitting next to me. 56059 -- Woody Allen 56060% 56061When I was little, I went into a pet shop and they asked how big I'd get. 56062 -- Rodney Dangerfield 56063% 56064When I was seven years old, I was once reprimanded by my mother for an 56065act of collective brutality in which I had been involved at school. A 56066group of seven-year-olds had been teasing and tormenting a 56067six-year-old. "It is always so," my mother said. "You do things 56068together which not one of you would think of doing alone." ... 56069Wherever one looks in the world of human organization, collective 56070responsibility brings a lowering of moral standards. The military 56071establishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems to have 56072been expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things 56073together which nobody in his right mind would do alone. 56074 -- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope" 56075% 56076When I was young we didn't have MTV; we 56077had to take drugs and go to concerts. 56078 -- Steven Pearl 56079% 56080When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened 56081or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I 56082cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to 56083go to pieces like this but we all have to do it. 56084 -- Mark Twain 56085% 56086When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked if I had 56087slept well. I said, "No, I made a few mistakes." 56088 -- Steven Wright 56089% 56090When I works, I works hard. 56091When I sits, I sits easy. 56092And when I thinks, I goes to sleep. 56093% 56094When I'm gone, boxing will be nothing again. The fans with the cigars and 56095the hats turned down'll be there, but no more housewives and little men in 56096the street and foreign presidents. It's goin' to be back to the fighter who 56097comes to town, smells a flower, visits a hospital, blows a horn and says 56098he's in shape. Old hat. I was the onliest boxer in history people asked 56099questions like a senator. 56100 -- Muhammad Ali 56101% 56102When I'm good, I'm great; but when I'm bad, I'm better. 56103 -- Mae West 56104% 56105When in charge ponder, 56106When in doubt mumble, 56107When in trouble delegate. 56108% 56109When in doubt, do it. It's much easier 56110to apologize than to get permission. 56111 -- Grace Murray Hopper 56112% 56113When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess. 56114% 56115When in doubt, follow your heart. 56116% 56117When in doubt, have a man come through the door with a gun in his hand. 56118 -- Raymond Chandler 56119% 56120When in doubt, lead trump. 56121% 56122When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder. 56123 -- James H. Boren 56124% 56125When in doubt, tell the truth. 56126 -- Mark Twain 56127% 56128When in doubt, use brute force. 56129 -- Ken Thompson 56130% 56131When in panic, fear and doubt, 56132Drink in barrels, eat, and shout. 56133% 56134When in Rome, live in the Roman way. 56135 -- St. Ambrose 56136% 56137When in this world the headlines read 56138Of those whose hearts are filled with greed 56139Who rob and steal from those who need 56140The cry goes up with blinding speed for Underdog (UNDERDOG!) 56141Underdog (UNDERDOG!) 56142Speed of lightning, roar of thunder 56143Fighting all who rob or plunder 56144Underdog (ah-ah-ah-ah) 56145Underdog 56146UNDERDOG! 56147% 56148When in trouble or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout. 56149% 56150When it comes to broken marriages most husbands will split the blame -- 56151half his wife's fault, and half her mother's. 56152% 56153When it comes to helping you, some people stop at nothing. 56154% 56155When it is not necessary to make a decision, 56156it is necessary not to make a decision. 56157% 56158When it's dark enough you can see the stars. 56159 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 56160% 56161When license fees are too high, 56162users do things by hand. 56163When the management is too intrusive, 56164users lose their spirit. 56165 56166Hack for the user's benefit. 56167Trust them; leave them alone. 56168% 56169When love is gone, there's always justice. 56170And when justice is gone, there's always force. 56171And when force is gone, there's always Mom. 56172Hi, Mom! 56173 -- Laurie Anderson 56174% 56175When man calls an animal "vicious", he usually means that it 56176will attempt to defend itself when he tries to kill it. 56177% 56178When Marriage is Outlawed, 56179Only Outlaws will have Inlaws. 56180% 56181When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results. 56182 -- Calvin Coolidge 56183% 56184When my brain begins to reel from my 56185literary labors, I make an occasional cheese dip. 56186 -- Ignatius Reilly 56187% 56188When my fist clenches crack it open, 56189Before I use it and lose my cool. 56190When I smile tell me some bad news, 56191Before I laugh and act like a fool. 56192 56193And if I swallow anything evil, 56194Put you finger down my throat. 56195And if I shiver please give me a blanket, 56196Keep me warm let me wear your coat 56197 56198No one knows what it's like to be the bad man, 56199 to be the sad man. 56200Behind blue eyes. 56201No one knows what its like to be hated, 56202 to be fated, 56203To telling only lies. 56204 -- The Who, "Behind Blue Eyes" 56205% 56206When my freshman roommate at Cornell found out I was Jewish, she was, 56207at her request, moved to a different room. She told me she didn't 56208think she had ever seen a Jew before. My only response was to begin 56209wearing a small Star of David on a chain around my neck. I had not 56210become a more observing Jew; rather, discovering that the label of 56211Jew was offensive to others made me want to let people know who I 56212was and what I believed in. Similarly, after talking to these young 56213women -- one of whom told me that she didn't think she had ever met 56214a feminist -- I've taken to identifying myself as a feminist in the 56215most unlikely of situations. 56216 -- Susan Bolotin, "Voices From the Post-Feminist Generation" 56217% 56218When neither their poverty nor their honor is 56219touched, the majority of men live content. 56220 -- Niccolo Machiavelli 56221% 56222When nothing can possibly go wrong, it will. 56223% 56224When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes. 56225 -- Dylan Thomas 56226% 56227When one knows women one pities men, 56228but when one studies men, one excuses women. 56229 -- Horne Tooke 56230% 56231When one wants to get rid of an unsupportable pressure, one needs hashish. 56232 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 56233% 56234When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony 56235concerts, she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years -- 56236and I find I mind it less and less." 56237 -- Louise Andrews Kent 56238% 56239When operating the diopter adjustment knob with your eye to the view- 56240finder, be careful not to put your fingers or fingernails in your eye. 56241 -- found in the users manual of the Nikon D2x camera, 56242 a camera for professional photographers 56243% 56244When Oxygen Tech played Hydrogen U. 56245The Game had just begun, when Hydrogen scored two fast points 56246And Oxygen still had none 56247Then Oxygen scored a single goal 56248And thus it did remain, At Hydrogen 2 and Oxygen 1 56249Called because of rain. 56250% 56251When people have trouble communicating, 56252the least they can do is to shut up. 56253 -- Tom Lehrer 56254% 56255When people say nothing, they don't necessarily mean nothing. 56256% 56257When pleasure remains, does it remain a pleasure? 56258% 56259When President Paul Doumer of France was assassinated in Paris in 1932, 56260newspapers differed in their versions of the event. This is from "Paris 56261was Yesterday: 1925-1939" by Janet Flanner, edited by Irving Drutman. 56262 56263 Taste varied as to his cry when he was shot down, the more popular 56264 papers preferring his despairing "Oh, la la!," the graver dailies 56265 favoring "Is it possible?" What few reported were his dying words: 56266 "But what kind of chauffeur was it?" Having been told by his aides 56267 not that he had been shot but that he had been struck by a taxi, the 56268 President spent the last conscious moments of his life wondering how 56269 an automobile got into the charity book sale at the Maison 56270 Rothschild, where his assassination occurred. 56271% 56272When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: 56273for every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when 56274your boss is away and you get twice as much done. 56275 -- Daniel B. Luten 56276% 56277When smashing monuments, save the pedestals -- they always come in handy. 56278 -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts" 56279% 56280When some people decide it's time for everyone to make 56281big changes, it means that they want you to change first. 56282% 56283When some people discover the truth, they just 56284can't understand why everybody isn't eager to hear it. 56285% 56286When someone makes a move We'll send them all we've got, 56287Of which we don't approve, John Wayne and Randolph Scott, 56288Who is it that always intervenes? Remember those exciting fighting scenes? 56289U.N. and O.A.S., To the shores of Tripoli, 56290They have their place, I guess, But not to Mississippoli, 56291But first, send the Marines! What do we do? We send the Marines! 56292 56293For might makes right, Members of the corps 56294And till they've seen the light, All hate the thought of war: 56295They've got to be protected, They'd rather kill them off by 56296 peaceful means. 56297All their rights respected, Stop calling it aggression-- 56298Till somebody we like can be elected. We hate that expression! 56299 We only want the world to know 56300 That we support the status quo; 56301 They love us everywhere we go, 56302 So when in doubt, send the Marines! 56303 -- Tom Lehrer, "Send The Marines" 56304% 56305When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only 56306say what I wish done," give him a lollipop. 56307% 56308When speculation has done its worst, two plus two still equals four. 56309 -- S. Johnson 56310% 56311When taxes are due, Americans tend to feel quite bled-white and blue. 56312% 56313When the Apple IIc was introduced, the informative copy led off with a couple 56314of asterisked sentences: 56315 56316 It weighs less than 8 pounds.* 56317 And costs less than $1,300.** 56318 56319In tiny type were these "fuller explanations": 56320 56321 * Don't asterisks make you suspicious as all get out? Well, all 56322 this means is that the IIc alone weights 7.5 pounds. The power 56323 pack, monitor, an extra disk drive, a printer and several bricks 56324 will make the IIc weigh more. Our lawyers were concerned that you 56325 might not be able to figure this out for yourself. 56326 56327 ** The FTC is concerned about price fixing. You can pay more if 56328 you really want to. Or less. 56329 -- Forbes 56330% 56331When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us!" 56332 -- Turkish proverb 56333% 56334When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff. 56335 -- Chinese proverb 56336% 56337When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking 56338about themselves. 56339% 56340When the cup is full, carry it level. 56341% 56342When the doubt vanishes and the issue becomes evident, stupidity reigns. 56343 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 56344% 56345When the English language gets in my way, I walk over it. 56346 -- Billy Sunday 56347% 56348When the fog came in on little cat feet last night, it left these little 56349muddy paw prints on the hood of my car. 56350% 56351When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical. 56352 -- Jon Carroll 56353% 56354When the going gets tough, the tough go grab a beer. 56355% 56356When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping. 56357% 56358When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. 56359 -- Hunter S. Thompson 56360% 56361When the government bureau's remedies do not match 56362your problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy. 56363% 56364When the Guru administers, the users 56365are hardly aware that he exists. 56366Next best is a sysop who is loved. 56367Next, one who is feared. 56368And worst, one who is despised. 56369 56370If you don't trust the users, 56371you make them untrustworthy. 56372 56373The Guru doesn't talk, he hacks. 56374When his work is done, 56375the users say, "Amazing: 56376we implemented it, all by ourselves!" 56377% 56378When the leaders speak of peace 56379The common folk know 56380That war is coming 56381When the leaders curse war 56382The mobilization order is already written out. 56383 56384Every day, to earn my daily bread 56385I go to the market where lies are bought 56386Hopefully 56387I take my place among the sellers. 56388 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Hollywood" 56389% 56390When the lights are out, all women are fair. 56391 -- Plutarch 56392% 56393When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies, 56394the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a 56395nose bleed, which usually cures them of ____that. 56396 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 56397% 56398When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem starts to look 56399like a nail. 56400% 56401When the President does it, that means it is not illegal. 56402 -- Richard M. Nixon 56403% 56404When the revolution comes, count your change. 56405% 56406When the salesman's car broke down, he walked to the nearest farmhouse to ask 56407if he could stay the night. The farmer agreed to put him up. "I live alone," 56408he continued, "you can have the bedroom at the top of the stairs, to the 56409right." 56410 "Oh, never mind," the disappointed salesman said. "I think I'm in 56411the wrong joke." 56412% 56413When the speaker and he to whom he is speaking do not understand, that is 56414metaphysics. 56415 -- Voltaire 56416% 56417When the sun shineth, make hay. 56418 -- John Heywood 56419% 56420When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the 56421stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them 56422from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones 56423were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the 56424corners as bodies of a lower grade ... 56425 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 56426% 56427When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in a movie theatre, 56428he walked over and whispered, "I'm sorry, sir, but you're allowed only a single 56429seat." The man moaned, but did not budge. "Sir," the user said more loudly, 56430"if you don't move, I'll have to call a manager." The man moaned again but 56431stayed where he was. The usher left, and returned with the manager, who, after 56432several more attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police. 56433 The cop took a look at the reclining man and said, "All right, boyo, 56434what's your name?" 56435 "Samuel," he mumbled. 56436 "And where're you from, Sam?" 56437 "The balcony." 56438% 56439When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the 56440plane will fly. 56441 -- Donald Douglas 56442% 56443When the wind is great, bow before it; 56444when the wind is heavy, yield to it. 56445% 56446When there are two conflicting versions of the story, the wise course 56447is to believe the one in which people appear at their worst. 56448 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow" 56449% 56450When there is an old maid in the house, a watch dog is unnecessary. 56451 -- Honore de Balzac 56452% 56453When things go well, expect something to 56454explode, erode, collapse or just disappear. 56455% 56456When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most 56457insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are 56458required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and 56459exhausting condition continuously until death do them part. 56460 -- George Bernard Shaw 56461% 56462When users see one GUI as beautiful, 56463other user interfaces become ugly. 56464When users see some programs as winners, 56465other programs become lossage. 56466 56467Pointers and NULLs reference each other. 56468High level and assembler depend on each other. 56469Double and float cast to each other. 56470High-endian and low-endian define each other. 56471While and until follow each other. 56472 56473Therefore the Guru 56474programs without doing anything 56475and teaches without saying anything. 56476Warnings arise and he lets them come; 56477processes are swapped and he lets them go. 56478He has but doesn't possess, 56479acts but doesn't expect. 56480When his work is done, he deletes it. 56481That is why it lasts forever. 56482% 56483When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is 56484not hereditary. 56485 -- Thomas Paine 56486% 56487When we jumped into Sicily, the units became separated, and I couldn't find 56488anyone. Eventually I stumbled across two colonels, a major, three captains, 56489two lieutenants, and one rifleman, and we secured the bridge. Never in the 56490history of war have so few been led by so many. 56491 -- General James Gavin 56492% 56493When we talk of tomorrow, the gods laugh. 56494% 56495When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be as before -- 56496except our fingertips will have been singed. 56497 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 56498% 56499When we write programs that "learn", 56500it turns out we do and they don't. 56501% 56502When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands. 56503 -- H. L. Mencken, "Sententiae" 56504% 56505When women love us, they forgive us everything, even our crimes; 56506when they do not love us, they give us credit for nothing, not 56507even our virtues. 56508 -- Honore de Balzac 56509% 56510When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all. 56511 -- Roger Zelazny, "Doorways in the Sand" 56512% 56513When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of 56514investigation of a topic, it is well to have the answer firmly in hand, 56515so that you can proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or 56516swayed, directly to the goal. 56517 -- Amrom Katz 56518% 56519When you are at Rome live in the Roman style; 56520when you are elsewhere live as they live elsewhere. 56521 -- St. Ambrose 56522% 56523When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut. 56524% 56525When you are working hard, get up and retch every so often. 56526% 56527When you are young, you enjoy a sustained illusion that sooner or later 56528something marvelous is going to happen, that you are going to transcend 56529your parents' limitations... At the same time, you feel sure that in all 56530the wilderness of possibility; in all the forests of opinion, there is a 56531vital something that can be known -- known and grasped. That we will 56532eventually know it, and convert the whole mystery into a coherent 56533narrative. So that then one's true life -- the point of everything -- 56534will emerge from the mist into a pure light, into total comprehension. 56535But it isn't like that at all. But if it isn't, where did the idea come 56536from, to torture and unsettle us? 56537 -- Brian Aldiss, "Helliconia Summer" 56538% 56539When you become used to never being alone, 56540you may consider yourself Americanized. 56541% 56542When you dial a wrong number you never get a busy signal. 56543% 56544When you die, you lose a very important part of your life. 56545 -- Brooke Shields 56546% 56547When you dig another out of trouble, 56548you've got a place to bury your own. 56549% 56550When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried. 56551% 56552When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly. 56553% 56554When you find yourself in danger, 56555When you're threatened by a stranger, 56556When it looks like you will take a lickin'... 56557 56558There is one thing you should learn, 56559When there is no one else to turn to, 56560 Caaaall for Super Chicken!! (**bwuck-bwuck-bwuck-bwuck**) 56561 Caaaall for Super Chicken!! 56562% 56563When you get what you want in your struggle for pelf, 56564And the world makes you King for a day, 56565Then go to the mirror and look at yourself, 56566And see what that guy has to say. 56567 For it isn't your Father, or Mother, or Wife, 56568 Who judgement upon you must pass. 56569 The feller whose verdict counts most in your life 56570 Is the guy staring back from the glass. 56571He's the feller to please, never mind all the rest, 56572For he's with you clear up to the end, 56573And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test 56574If the guy in the glass is your friend. 56575 You may be like Jack Horner and "chisel" a plum, 56576 And think you're a wonderful guy, 56577 But the man in the glass says you're only a bum 56578 If you can't look him straight in the eye. 56579You can fool the whole world down the pathway of years, 56580And get pats on the back as you pass, 56581But your final reward will be heartaches and tears 56582If you've cheated the guy in the glass. 56583 -- "The Guy in the Glass" 56584 Copyright 1934, Dale Wimbrow (1895-1954) 56585 [Pelf is a Middle English word for wealth or riches, 56586 especially when acquired dishonestly. Ed.] 56587% 56588When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve 56589people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. 56590 -- Norm Crosby 56591% 56592When you go out to buy, don't show your silver. 56593% 56594When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship. 56595 -- Harry S. Truman 56596% 56597When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever 56598remains, however improbable, must be the truth. 56599 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four" 56600% 56601When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure 56602clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite 56603answer to a definite problem. For better or worse you have 56604acted decisively. In a way, the next move is up to him. 56605 -- R. A. Lafferty 56606% 56607When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite. 56608 -- Winston Churchill, on formal declarations of war 56609% 56610When you jump for joy, beware that no-one 56611moves the ground from beneath your feet. 56612 -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts" 56613% 56614When you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by 56615asking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don't 56616know the answer either. 56617 -- Edgar R. Fiedler 56618% 56619When you live in a sick society, 56620just about everything you do is wrong. 56621% 56622When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers. 56623 -- The Wall Street Journal 56624% 56625When you meet a master swordsman, 56626show him your sword. 56627When you meet a man who is not a poet, 56628do not show him your poem. 56629 -- Rinzai, ninth century Zen master 56630% 56631When you overesteem great hackers, 56632more users become cretins. 56633When you develop encryption, 56634more users become crackers. 56635 56636The Guru leads 56637by emptying user's minds 56638and increasing their quotas, 56639by weakening their ambition 56640and toughening their resolve. 56641When users lack knowledge and desire, 56642management will not try to interfere. 56643 56644Practice not-looping, 56645and everything will fall into place. 56646% 56647When you say that you agree to a thing in principle, you mean that 56648you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice. 56649 -- Otto von Bismarck 56650% 56651When you speak to others for their own good it's advice; 56652when they speak to you for your own good it's interference. 56653% 56654When you try to make an impression, the chances are that is the 56655impression you will make. 56656% 56657When you were born, a big chance was taken for you. 56658% 56659When your conscious becomes unconscious, you are drunk. 56660When your unconscious becomes conscious, you are stoned. 56661% 56662When your life is a leaf that the seasons tear off and condemn 56663They will bind you with love that is graceful and green as a stem. 56664 -- Leonard Cohen, "Sisters of Mercy" 56665% 56666When your memory goes, forget it! 56667% 56668When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt. 56669 -- Henry J. Kaiser 56670% 56671When you're a Yup 56672You're a Yup all the way 56673From your first slice of Brie 56674To your last Cabernet. 56675 56676When you're a Yup 56677You're not just a dreamer 56678You're making things happen 56679You're driving a Beamer. 56680% 56681When you're away, I'm restless, lonely 56682Wretched, bored, dejected, only 56683Here's the rub, my darling dear, 56684I feel the same when you are near. 56685 -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "Poems in Praise of Practically Nothing" 56686% 56687When you're bored with yourself, marry, and be bored with someone else. 56688 -- David Pryce-Jones 56689% 56690When you're dining out and you suspect 56691something's wrong, you're probably right. 56692% 56693When you're down and out, lift up your 56694voice and shout, "I'M DOWN AND OUT"! 56695% 56696When you're in command, command. 56697 -- Admiral Nimitz 56698% 56699When you're married to someone, they take you for granted ... when 56700you're living with someone it's fantastic ... they're so frightened 56701of losing you they've got to keep you satisfied all the time. 56702 -- Nell Dunn, "Poor Cow" 56703% 56704When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN. 56705% 56706When you're ready to give up the struggle, who can you surrender to? 56707% 56708WHEN YOU'RE RIDING IN A TIME MACHINE way far into the future, don't stick 56709your elbow out the window or it'll turn into a fossil. 56710 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 56711% 56712WHENEVER ANYBODY SAYS he's struggling to become a human being I have to 56713laugh because the apes beat him to it by about a million years. Struggle 56714to become a parrot or something. 56715 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 56716% 56717Whenever anyone says, "theoretically," they really mean "not really". 56718 -- Dave Parnas 56719% 56720Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children 56721to spend their weekends with? 56722 -- Rita Rudner 56723% 56724Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes. 56725% 56726Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to 56727see it tried on him personally. 56728 -- Abraham Lincoln 56729% 56730Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct 56731is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. 56732Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny. 56733 -- Jack Handey 56734% 56735Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. 56736 -- Oscar Wilde 56737% 56738Whenever Richard Cory went downtown, 56739 We people on the pavement looked at him: 56740He was a gentleman from sole to crown, 56741 Clean-favored, and imperially slim. 56742And he was always quietly arrayed, 56743 And he was always human when he talked; 56744But still he fluttered pulses when he said, 56745 "Good morning," and he glittered when he walked. 56746And he was rich -- yes, richer than a king -- 56747 And admirably schooled in every grace: 56748In fine, we thought that he was everything 56749 To make us wish that we were in his place. 56750So on we worked, and waited for the light, 56751 And went without the meat, and cursed the bread; 56752And Richard Cory, one calm summer night, 56753 Went home and put a bullet through his head. 56754 -- E. A. Robinson, "Richard Cory" 56755% 56756Whenever someone tells you to take their advice, 56757you can be pretty sure that they're not using it. 56758% 56759Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last 56760you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his 56761Atlantic with his verb in his mouth. 56762 -- Mark Twain 56763 "Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court" 56764% 56765Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time 56766to reform. 56767 -- Mark Twain 56768% 56769Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and 56770weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes 56771and perhaps weigh 1 1/2 tons. 56772 -- Popular Mechanics, March 1949 56773% 56774Where am I? Who am I? Am I? I 56775% 56776Where am I, and what am I doing in this handbasket? 56777 -- Mark A. Matthews, to Wes Peters, circa 1996 56778% 56779Where are the calculations that go with a calculated risk? 56780% 56781WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE 56782 Oh, dear, where can the matter be 56783 When it's converted to energy? 56784 There is a slight loss of parity. 56785 Johnny's so long at the fair. 56786% 56787Where do I find the time for not reading so many books? 56788 -- Karl Kraus 56789% 56790Where do you go to get anorexia? 56791 -- Shelley Winters 56792% 56793Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what 56794is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will. 56795 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 56796% 56797Where is John Carson now that we need him? 56798 -- RLG 56799% 56800Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to 56801examine the laws of heat. 56802 -- Christopher Morley 56803% 56804Where, oh, where, are you tonight? 56805Why did you leave me here all alone? 56806I searched the world over, and I thought I'd found true love. 56807You met another, and *PPHHHLLLBBBBTTT*, you wuz gone. 56808 56809Gloom, despair and agony on me. 56810Deep dark depression, excessive misery. 56811If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all. 56812Oh, gloom, despair and agony on me. 56813 -- Hee Haw 56814% 56815Where the hell is Wall Drug? 56816% 56817Where the system is concerned, you're not allowed to ask "Why?". 56818% 56819Where there are visible vapors, having their prevenance 56820in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration. 56821% 56822Where there is much light there is also much shadow. 56823 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 56824% 56825Where there's a whip there's a way. 56826% 56827Where there's a will, there's a relative. 56828% 56829Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax. 56830% 56831Where will it all end? 56832Probably somewhere near where it all began. 56833% 56834Where you stand depends on where you sit. 56835 -- Rufus Miles, HEW 56836% 56837Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent. 56838 -- Wittgenstein 56839% 56840Where's the man could ease a heart 56841Like a satin gown? 56842 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Satin Dress" 56843% 56844...whether it is better to spend a life not knowing what you want or to 56845spend a life knowing exactly what you want and that you will never have it. 56846 -- Richard Shelton 56847% 56848Whether weary or unweary, O man, do not rest, 56849Do not cease your single-handed struggle. 56850Go on, do not rest. 56851 -- An old Gujarati hymn 56852% 56853Whether you can hear it or not 56854The Universe is laughing behind your back 56855 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 56856% 56857Which is worse: ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares? 56858% 56859Which would you rather have, a bursting 56860planet or an earthquake here and there? 56861 -- John Joseph Lynch 56862% 56863While anyone can admit to themselves they were wrong, the true test is 56864admission to someone else. 56865% 56866While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things, 56867The fate of empires and the fall of kings; 56868While quacks of State must each produce his plan, 56869And even children lisp the Rights of Man; 56870Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention, 56871The Rights of Woman merit some attention. 56872 -- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman", 56873 November 26, 1792 56874% 56875While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several. 56876% 56877While he was in New York on location for _Bronco Billy_ (1980), Clint 56878Eastwood agreed to a television interview. His host, somewhat hostile, 56879began by defining a Clint Eastwood picture as a violent, ruthless, 56880lawless, and bloody piece of mayhem, and then asked Eastwood himself to 56881define a Clint Eastwood picture. "To me," said Eastwood calmly, "what 56882a Clint Eastwood picture is, is one that I'm in." 56883 -- Boller and Davis, "Hollywood Anecdotes" 56884% 56885While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping, 56886As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door. 56887 -- Edgar Allan Poe, "The Raven" 56888 56889 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 56890 referring to hardware interrupts.] 56891 56892And now I see with eye serene 56893The very pulse of the machine. 56894 -- William Wordsworth, "She Was a Phantom of Delight" 56895 56896 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 56897 referring to software interrupts.] 56898% 56899While it may be true that a watched pot never boils, the one you don't 56900keep an eye on can make an awful mess of your stove. 56901 -- Edward Stevenson 56902% 56903While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own 56904form of misery. 56905% 56906While most peoples' opinions change, the conviction of their 56907correctness never does. 56908% 56909While passing a vacant lot late one night, a jogger was stopped by a man who 56910held a gun to his head. 56911 "Who are you for," the gunman snarled, "Bush or Dukakis?" 56912 The runner thought for a moment, shifting nervously from foot to foot, 56913as the muzzle pressed harder into his temple. 56914 "Bush or Dukakis?" the mugger insisted. 56915 Finally, the jogger shrugged his shoulders, closed his eyes and bowed 56916his head. "Go ahead and shoot." 56917% 56918While there's life, there's hope. 56919 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) 56920% 56921While walking down a crowded 56922City street the other day, 56923I heard a little urchin 56924To a comrade turn and say, 56925"Say, Chimmey, lemme tell youse, 56926I'd be happy as a clam 56927If only I was de feller dat 56928Me mudder t'inks I am. 56929 56930"She t'inks I am a wonder, My friends, be yours a life of toil 56931An' she knows her little lad Or undiluted joy, 56932Could never mix wit' nuttin' You can learn a wholesome lesson 56933Dat was ugly, mean or bad. From that small, untutored boy. 56934Oh, lot o' times I sit and t'ink Don't aim to be an earthly saint 56935How nice, 'twould be, gee whiz! With eyes fixed on a star: 56936If a feller was de feller Just try to be the fellow that 56937Dat his mudder t'inks he is." Your mother thinks you are. 56938 -- Will S. Adkin, "If I Only Was the Fellow" 56939% 56940While we are sleeping, two-thirds of the world is plotting to do us in. 56941 -- Dean Rusk 56942% 56943While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's still very 56944reassuring to know that it's still there. 56945% 56946While you recently had your problems on the run, 56947they've regrouped and are making another attack. 56948% 56949While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are 56950safe, for you can watch both of his. 56951 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 56952% 56953Whip it, whip it good! 56954% 56955Whistler's Law: 56956 You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge. 56957% 56958Whistler's mother is off her rocker. 56959% 56960White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship. 56961% 56962Whitehead's Law: 56963 The obvious answer is always overlooked. 56964% 56965White's Statement: 56966 Don't lose heart! 56967 56968Owen's Commentary on White's Statement: 56969 ...they might want to cut it out... 56970 56971Byrd's Addition to Owen's Commentary: 56972 ...and they want to avoid a lengthy search. 56973% 56974Who are you? 56975% 56976Who can take the demands of the SDS seriously? 56977 -- Nathan Pusey 56978% 56979Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with 56980our new Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process... 56981% 56982Who dat who say "who dat" when I say "who dat"? 56983 -- Hattie McDaniel 56984% 56985Who does not love wine, women, and song, 56986Remains a fool his whole life long. 56987 -- Johann Heinrich Voss 56988% 56989Who does not trust enough will not be trusted. 56990 -- Lao Tsu 56991% 56992Who goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing. 56993 -- Thomas Tusser 56994% 56995Who is D. B. Cooper, and where is he now? 56996% 56997Who is John Galt? 56998% 56999Who is W. O. Baker, and why is he saying those terrible things about me? 57000% 57001Who loves me will also love my dog. 57002 -- John Donne 57003% 57004Who loves not wisely but too well 57005Will look on Helen's face in hell, 57006But he whose love is thin and wise 57007Will view John Knox in Paradise. 57008 -- Dorothy Parker 57009% 57010Who made the world I cannot tell; 57011'Tis made, and here am I in hell. 57012My hand, though now my knuckles bleed, 57013I never soiled with such a deed. 57014 -- A. E. Housman 57015% 57016Who messed with my anti-paranoia shot? 57017% 57018Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink? 57019% 57020Who on earth would eat a charred caterpillar!? 57021No, no, you SINGE 'em! You SINGE 'em and eat 'em! 57022% 57023Who the hell wants to hear actors talk? 57024 -- Harry Warner, Warner Bros. Pictures, c. 1927 57025% 57026Who to himself is law no law doth need, 57027offends no law, and is a king indeed. 57028 -- George Chapman 57029% 57030Who took the MMMMMM out of MURINE? 57031% 57032Who was that masked man? 57033% 57034Who will take care of the world after you're gone? 57035% 57036Whoever dies with the most toys wins. 57037% 57038Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not 57039become a monster. And when you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks 57040into you. 57041 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 57042% 57043Whoever named it "necking" was a poor judge of anatomy. 57044 -- Groucho Marx 57045% 57046Whoever tells a lie cannot be pure in heart -- and only the 57047pure in heart can make a good soup. 57048 -- Ludwig van Beethoven 57049% 57050Whoever would lie usefully should lie seldom. 57051% 57052"Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school. 57053 -- George Ade 57054% 57055Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive insane. 57056% 57057Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising. 57058% 57059Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods. 57060 -- Bernard Levin 57061% 57062Who's on first? 57063% 57064Who's scruffy-looking? 57065 -- Han Solo 57066% 57067Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people. 57068Why a man would want *two* wives is a bigamystery. 57069% 57070Why am I so soft in the middle when the rest of my life is so hard? 57071 -- Paul Simon 57072% 57073Why are programmers non-productive? 57074Because their time is wasted in meetings. 57075 57076Why are programmers rebellious? 57077Because the management interferes too much. 57078 57079Why are the programmers resigning one by one? 57080Because they are burnt out. 57081 57082Having worked for poor management, they no longer value their jobs. 57083 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 57084% 57085Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like "Amadeus"? I could 57086have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing. 57087 -- Ian Shoales 57088% 57089Why are you so hard to ignore? 57090% 57091Why are you watching 57092The washing machine? 57093I love entertainment 57094So long as it's clean. 57095 57096Professor Doberman: 57097 While the preceding poem is unarguably a change from the guarded 57098pessimism of "The Hound of Heaven," it cannot be regarded as an unqualified 57099improvement. Obscurity is of value only when it tends to clarify the poetic 57100experience. As much as one is compelled to admire the poem's technique, one 57101must question whether its byplay of complex literary allusions does not in 57102fact distract from the unity of the whole. In the final analysis, one 57103receives the distinct impression that the poem's length could safely have 57104been reduced by a factor of eight or ten without sacrificing any of its 57105meaning. It is to be hoped that further publication of this poem can be 57106suspended pending a thorough investigation of its potential subversive 57107implications. 57108% 57109Why attack God? He may be as miserable as we are. 57110 -- Erik Satie 57111% 57112"Why be a man when you can be a success?" 57113 -- Bertolt Brecht 57114% 57115Why be difficult, when, with just a 57116little more effort, you can be impossible? 57117% 57118Why bother building any more nuclear warheads until we use the ones we 57119have? 57120% 57121Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else? 57122% 57123Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to 57124avoid responsibility with? 57125% 57126Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office 57127automation? 57128% 57129Why do mathematicians insist on using words that already have another 57130meaning? "It is the complex case that is easier to deal with." "If it 57131doesn't happen at a corner, but at an edge, it nonetheless happens at a 57132corner." 57133% 57134Why do seagulls live near the sea? 57135'Cause if they lived near the bay, they'd be called baygulls. 57136% 57137Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic? 57138It's quite uncanny. 57139% 57140Why do they call a fast a fast, when it goes so slow? 57141% 57142Why do they call it baby-SITTING when all you do is run after them? 57143% 57144Why do we have two eyes? To watch 3-D movies with. 57145% 57146Why do we want intelligent terminals 57147when there are so many stupid users? 57148% 57149Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away? 57150 -- Carl Sandburg 57151% 57152Why does a ship carry cargo and a truck carry shipments? 57153% 57154Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently 57155there must be a beverage. 57156 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 57157% 57158Why does New Jersey have more toxic waste dumps and California have 57159more lawyers? 57160 57161New Jersey had first choice. 57162% 57163Why doesn't everybody leave everybody else the hell alone? 57164 -- Jimmy Durante 57165% 57166Why don't elephants eat penguins ? 57167 57168Because they can't get the wrappers off ... 57169% 57170Why don't somebody print the truth about our present economic condition? 57171We spent years of wild buying on credit, everything under the sun, whether 57172we needed it or not, and now we are having to pay for it, howling like a 57173pet coon. This would be a great world to dance in if we didn't have to 57174pay the fiddler. 57175 -- The Best of Will Rogers 57176% 57177Why don't you fix your little problem... and light this candle? 57178 -- Alan Shepard, the first American into space, Gemini program 57179% 57180Why, every one as they like; as the good woman said when she 57181kissed her cow. 57182 -- Rabelais 57183% 57184Why I Can't Go Out With You: 57185 57186I'd LOVE to, but... 57187 -- I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters. 57188 -- None of my socks match. 57189 -- I'm having all my plants neutered. 57190 -- I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out. 57191 -- My yucca plant is feeling yucky. 57192 -- I'm touring China with a wok band. 57193 -- My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night. 57194 -- I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student 57195 named Basil Metabolism. 57196 -- There are important world issues that need worrying about. 57197 -- I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush. 57198 -- I prefer to remain an enigma. 57199 -- I think you want the OTHER Peggy/Cathy/Mike/whomever. 57200 -- I feel a song coming on. 57201% 57202Why I Can't Go Out With You: 57203 57204I'd LOVE to, but... 57205 -- I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship. 57206 -- I have to sit up with a sick ant. 57207 -- I'm trying to be less popular. 57208 -- My bathroom tiles need grouting. 57209 -- I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner. 57210 -- My subconscious says no. 57211 -- I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I 57212 can't seem to put it down. 57213 -- My favorite commercial is on TV. 57214 -- I have to study for my blood test. 57215 -- I've been traded to Cincinnati. 57216 -- I'm having my baby shoes bronzed. 57217 -- I have to go to court for kitty littering. 57218% 57219Why I Can't Go Out With You: 57220 57221I'd LOVE to, but... 57222 -- I have to floss my cat. 57223 -- I've dedicated my life to linguini. 57224 -- I need to spend more time with my blender. 57225 -- It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People. 57226 -- It's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish/radio. 57227 -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves. 57228 -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products. 57229 -- I'm due at the bakery to watch the buns rise. 57230 -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist. 57231 -- I have some really hard words to look up. 57232 -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting. 57233 -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps. 57234% 57235Why I Can't Go Out With You: 57236 57237I'd LOVE to, but... 57238 -- I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes. 57239 -- I'm attending the opening of my garage door. 57240 -- The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots. 57241 -- I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian. 57242 -- I have to fulfill my potential. 57243 -- I don't want to leave my comfort zone. 57244 -- It's too close to the turn of the century. 57245 -- I have to bleach my hare. 57246 -- I'm worried about my vertical hold knob. 57247 -- I left my body in my other clothes. 57248% 57249Why I Can't Go Out With You: 57250 57251I'd LOVE to, but... 57252 -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting. 57253 -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps. 57254 -- I've been scheduled for a karma transplant. 57255 -- I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture. 57256 -- It's my parakeet's bowling night. 57257 -- I'm building a plant from a kit. 57258 -- There's a disturbance in the Force. 57259 -- I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling. 57260 -- I'm teaching my ferret to yodel. 57261 -- My crayons all melted together. 57262% 57263Why is it called a funny bone when it hurts so much? 57264% 57265Why is it taking so long for her to bring out all the good in you? 57266% 57267Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? 57268It is because we are not the person involved. 57269 -- Mark Twain 57270% 57271Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? 57272 -- Steven Wright 57273% 57274Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet? 57275 -- Lily Tomlin 57276% 57277Why isn't there some cheap and easy 57278way to prove how much she means to me? 57279% 57280Why must you tell me all your secrets when it's hard enough to love 57281you knowing nothing? 57282 -- Lloyd Cole and the Commotions 57283% 57284Why my thoughts are my own, when they are in, but when they are out they 57285are another's. 57286 -- Susanna Martin, executed for witchcraft, 1681 57287% 57288Why not? -- What? -- Why not? -- Why should I not send it? -- Why should I 57289not dispatch it? -- Why not? -- Strange! I don't know why I shouldn't -- 57290Well, then -- You will do me this favor. -- Why not? -- Why should you not 57291do it? -- Why not? -- Strange! I shall do the same for you, when you want 57292me to. Why not? Why should I not do it for you? Strange! Why not? -- 57293I can't think why not. 57294 -- Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, from a letter to his cousin Maria, 57295 "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele 57296% 57297Why not go out on a limb? 57298Isn't that where the fruit is? 57299% 57300Why not have an old-fashioned Christmas for your family this year? 57301Just picture the scene in your living room on Christmas morning as your 57302children open their old-fashioned presents. 57303 57304Your 11-year-old son: "What the heck is this?" 57305 57306You: "A spinning top! You spin it around, and then eventually it 57307 falls down. What fun! Ha, ha!" 57308 57309Son: "Is this a joke? Jason Thompson's parents got him a computer 57310 with two disk drives and 128 kilobytes of random-access memory, 57311 and I get this cretin TOP?" 57312 57313Your 8-year-old daughter: "You think that's bad? Look at this." 57314 57315You: "It's figgy pudding! What a treat!" 57316 57317Daughter: "It looks like goat barf." 57318 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" 57319% 57320Why on earth do people buy old bottles of wine when they can get a 57321fresh one for a quarter of the price? 57322% 57323Why was I born with such contemporaries? 57324 -- Oscar Wilde 57325% 57326Why, when no honest man will deny in private that every ultimate problem is 57327wrapped in the profoundest mystery, do honest men proclaim in pulpits that 57328unhesitating certainty is the duty of the most foolish and ignorant? Is it 57329not a spectacle to make the angels laugh? We are a company of ignorant 57330beings, feeling our way through mists and darkness, learning only be 57331incessantly repeated blunders, obtaining a glimmering of truth by falling 57332into every conceivable error, dimly discerning light enough for our daily 57333needs, but hopelessly differing whenever we attempt to describe the ultimate 57334origin or end of our paths; and yet, when one of us ventures to declare that 57335we don't know the map of the universe as well as the map of our infinitesimal 57336parish, he is hooted, reviled, and perhaps told that he will be damned to all 57337eternity for his faithlessness. 57338 -- Leslie Stephen, "An Agnostic's Apology", 57339 Fortnightly Review, 1876 57340% 57341Why won't you let me kiss you goodnight? Is it something I said? 57342 -- Tom Ryan 57343% 57344Why would anyone want to be called "Later"? 57345% 57346Why You Can't Run When There's Trouble in the Office: 57347 No matter where you stand, no matter how far or fast you flee, 57348when it hits the fan, as much as possible will be propelled in your 57349direction, and almost none will be returned to the source. 57350 -- John L. Shelton 57351% 57352Why you say you no bunny rabbit when you have little powder-puff tail? 57353 -- The Tasmanian Devil 57354% 57355Wiker's Law: 57356 Government expands to absorb all available revenue and then some. 57357% 57358Wilcox's Law: 57359 A pat on the back is only a few 57360 centimeters from a kick in the pants. 57361% 57362Will Rogers never met you. 57363% 57364Will you loan me $20.00 and only give me ten of it? 57365That way, you will owe me ten, and I'll owe you ten, and we'll be even! 57366% 57367Will your long-winded speeches never end? 57368What ails you that you keep on arguing? 57369 -- Job 16:3 57370% 57371Williams and Holland's Law: 57372 If enough data is collected, 57373 anything may be proven by statistical methods. 57374% 57375Willie in the cauldron fell; Willie saw some dynamite, 57376See the grief on mother's brow; Couldn't understand it quite; 57377Mother loved her darling well -- Curiosity never pays: 57378Willie's quite hard-boiled by now. It rained Willie seven days. 57379 57380Little Willie with a shout, William in a nice new sash, 57381Gouged the baby's eyeballs out; Fell in the fire and burned to an ash. 57382Stamped on them to make them pop. Now, although the room grows chilly, 57383Mother cried, "Now, William, stop!" I haven't the heart to poke poor Billy. 57384 57385William with a thirst for gore, Little Willie mean as hell, 57386Nailed the baby to the door. Threw his sister in the well! 57387Mother said, with humor quaint: Said his mother when drawing water, 57388"Careful, Will, don't mar the paint." "sure is hard to raise a daughter." 57389 -- Harry Graham, "Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes", 1899 57390% 57391Wilner's Observation: 57392 All conversations with a potato should be conducted in private. 57393% 57394Winning isn't everything. It's the only thing. 57395 -- Vince Lombardi 57396% 57397Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything. 57398% 57399Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... 57400If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your 57401head... if you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick... 57402 -- Steven Wright 57403% 57404Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours." 57405 -- Robert Byrne 57406% 57407Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as 57408it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat. 57409% 57410[Wisdom] is a tree of life to those laying 57411hold of her, making happy each one holding her fast. 57412 -- Proverbs 3:18, NSV 57413% 57414Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know. 57415 -- J. Winter Smith 57416% 57417Wisdom is rarely found on the best-seller list. 57418% 57419Wishing without work is like fishing without bait. 57420 -- Frank Tyger 57421% 57422Wit, n.: 57423 The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery... 57424 by leaving it out. 57425 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 57426% 57427With a gentleman I try to be a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I 57428try to be a fraud and a half. 57429 -- Otto von Bismarck 57430% 57431With a rubber duck, one's never alone. 57432 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 57433% 57434With all the fancy scientists in the world, 57435why can't they just once build a nuclear balm. 57436% 57437With all the talent around, it's sort of 57438amazing that a woman could be up here with us. 57439 -- Ralph Kiner, on introducing an award winner 57440% 57441With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best. 57442% 57443With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time 57444they make a law it's a joke. 57445 -- W. Rogers 57446% 57447With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand 57448miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and 57449still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no 57450such thing as progress. 57451 -- Ransom K. Ferm 57452% 57453With her body, woman is more sincere than man; but with her mind 57454she lies. And when she lies, she does not believe herself. 57455 -- Tolstoy 57456% 57457With listening comes wisdom, with speaking repentance. 57458% 57459With reasonable men I will reason; 57460with humane men I will plead; 57461but to tyrants I will give no quarter. 57462 -- William Lloyd Garrison 57463% 57464With the end of the football season, a star player for the college team 57465celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late-night campus 57466party. Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful coed and 57467eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at 57468parties. 57469 "Oh, I have a three point eight, so I'm much more attracted to the 57470strong academic types than to the dumb party animals," she said. "What's 57471your G.P.A.?" 57472 Grinning ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about twenty-five in 57473the city and forty on the highway." 57474% 57475With women, I've got a long bamboo pole with a leather loop on the end of 57476it. I slip the loop around their necks so they can't get away or come too 57477close. Like catching snakes. 57478 -- Marlon Brando 57479% 57480Within a computer, natural language is unnatural. 57481% 57482Within a month [in 1969] I had met the first of a small but not uninfluential 57483community of people who violently opposed SALT for a simple reason: It might 57484keep America from developing a first-strike capability against the Soviet 57485Union. I'll never forget being lectured by an Air Force colonel about how 57486we should have "nuked" the Soviets in late 1940s before they got The Bomb. 57487I was told that if SALT would go away, we'd soon have the capability to nuke 57488them again -- and this time we'd use it. 57489 -- Roger Molander, former nuclear strategist for the 57490 White House's National Security Council, Washington 57491 Post, 21 March, 1982 57492% 57493Without adventure, civilization is in full decay. 57494 -- Alfred North Whitehead 57495% 57496Without coffee he could not work, or at least he could not have worked in the 57497way he did. In addition to paper and pens, he took with him everywhere as an 57498indispensable article of equipment the coffee machine, which was no less 57499important to him than his table or his white robe. 57500 -- Stefan Zweigs, Biography of Balzac 57501% 57502Without fools there would be no wisdom. 57503% 57504Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless. 57505% 57506Without life, Biology itself would be impossible. 57507% 57508Without love intelligence is dangerous; 57509without intelligence love is not enough. 57510 -- Ashley Montagu 57511% 57512With/Without - and who'll deny it's what the fighting's all about? 57513 -- Pink Floyd 57514% 57515Woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer, 57516Yeah, Ah woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer 57517The future's uncertain and the end is always near. 57518 -- Jim Morrison, "Roadhouse Blues" 57519% 57520Woke up this morning, don't believe what I saw. Hundred billion 57521bottles washed up on the shore. Seems I never noted being alone. 57522Hundred billion castaways looking for a call. 57523% 57524WOLF: 57525 A man who knows all the ankles. 57526% 57527Woman: "Is Yoo-Hoo hyphenated?" 57528Yogi Berra: "No, ma'am, its not even carbonated." 57529% 57530Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. 57531 -- Dumas 57532% 57533Woman is generally so bad that the difference 57534between a good and a bad woman scarcely exists. 57535 -- Tolstoy 57536% 57537Woman, n.: 57538 An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and 57539 having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication. 57540 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 57541% 57542Woman on Street: Sir, you are drunk; very, very drunk. 57543Winston Churchill: Madame, you are ugly; very, very ugly. 57544 I shall be sober in the morning. 57545% 57546Woman was taken out of man -- not out of his head, to rule over him; nor 57547out of his feet, to be trampled under by him; but out of his side, to be 57548equal to him -- under his arm, that he might protect her, and near his heart 57549that he might love her. 57550 -- Henry 57551% 57552Woman would be more charming if one could 57553fall into her arms without falling into her hands. 57554 -- DeGourmont 57555% 57556Woman's advice has little value, but he who won't take it is a fool. 57557 -- Cervantes 57558% 57559Wombat's Laws of Computer Selection: 57560 (1) If it doesn't run Unix, forget it. 57561 (2) Any computer design over 10 years old is obsolete. 57562 (3) Anything made by IBM is junk. (See number 2) 57563 (4) The minimum acceptable CPU power for a single user is a 57564 VAX/780 with a floating point accelerator. 57565 (5) Any computer with a mouse is worthless. 57566 -- Rich Kulawiec 57567% 57568Women are a problem, but if you haven't already guessed, 57569they're the kind of problem I enjoy wrestling with. 57570 -- Warren Beatty 57571% 57572Women are all alike. When they're maids they're mild as milk: 57573once make 'em wives, and they lean their backs against their 57574marriage certificates, and defy you. 57575 -- Jerrold 57576% 57577Women are always anxious to urge bachelors to matrimony; is it 57578from charity, or revenge? 57579 -- Gustave Vapereau 57580% 57581Women are just like men, only different. 57582% 57583Women are like elephants to me: I like to 57584look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one. 57585 -- W. C. Fields 57586% 57587Women are not much, but they are the best other sex we have. 57588 -- Herold 57589% 57590Women are nothing but machines for producing children. 57591 -- Napoleon 57592% 57593Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more. 57594 -- Stephens 57595% 57596Women aren't as mere as they used to be. 57597 -- Pogo 57598% 57599Women can keep a secret just as well as men, 57600but it takes more of them to do it. 57601% 57602Women come and go, but BSD is forever. 57603 -- Derek Young 57604% 57605Women complain about sex more than men. Their gripes fall into two 57606categories: (1) Not enough and (2) Too much. 57607 -- Ann Landers 57608% 57609Women, deceived by men, want to marry them; it is a kind of revenge 57610as good as any other. 57611 -- Philippe De Remi 57612% 57613Women give themselves to God when the 57614Devil wants nothing more to do with them. 57615 -- Arnould 57616% 57617Women give to men the very gold of their lives. Possibly; 57618but they invariably want it back in such very small change. 57619 -- Wilde 57620% 57621Women in love consist of a little sighing, a little 57622crying, a little dying -- and a good deal of lying. 57623 -- Ansey 57624% 57625Women of genius commonly have masculine faces, figures and manners. 57626In transplanting brains to an alien soil God leaves a little of the 57627original earth clinging to the roots. 57628 -- Ambrose Bierce 57629% 57630Women reason with the heart and are much less often wrong 57631than men who reason with the head. 57632 -- DeLescure 57633% 57634Women sometimes forgive a man who forces the opportunity, 57635but never a man who misses one. 57636 -- Charles De Talleyrand-Perigord 57637% 57638Women treat us just as humanity treats its gods. They worship 57639us and are always bothering us to do something for them. 57640 -- Wilde 57641% 57642Women want their men to be cops. They want you to punish them and tell 57643them what the limits are. The only thing that women hate worse from a man 57644than being slapped is when you get on your knees and say you're sorry. 57645 -- Mort Sahl 57646% 57647Women waste men's lives and think they have 57648indemnified them by a few gracious words. 57649 -- Honore de Balzac 57650% 57651Women, when they are not in love, have all 57652the cold blood of an experienced attorney. 57653 -- Honore de Balzac 57654% 57655Women, when they have made a sheep of a man, 57656always tell him that he is a lion with a will of iron. 57657 -- Honore de Balzac 57658% 57659Women who desire to be like men, lack ambition. 57660% 57661Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination. 57662% 57663Women wish to be loved without a why or a wherefore; 57664not because they are pretty, or good, or well-bred, or 57665graceful, or intelligent, but because they are themselves. 57666 -- Amiel 57667% 57668Women's Libbers are OK, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one. 57669% 57670Women's virtue is man's greatest invention. 57671 -- Cornelia Otis Skinner 57672% 57673Wonder is the feeling of a philosopher, 57674and philosophy begins in wonder. 57675 Socrates, quoting Plato 57676% 57677Wonderful day. 57678Your hangover just makes it seem terrible. 57679% 57680Wood is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource. If 57681you cut down a tree, another will grow in its place. And if you cut 57682down the new tree, still another will grow. And if you cut down that 57683tree, yet another will grow, only this one will be a mutation with 57684long, poisonous tentacles and revenge in its heart, and it will sit 57685there in the forest, cackling and making elaborate plans for when you 57686come back. 57687 57688Wood heat is not new. It dates back to a day millions of years ago, 57689when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot. 57690Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire. One of the 57691cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: "Hey! Wood 57692heat!" The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately 57693beat him to death with stones. But the key discovery had been made, 57694and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed, 57695although their insurance rates went way up. 57696 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" 57697% 57698Woodward's Law: 57699 A theory is better than its explanation. 57700% 57701Woody: What's the story, Mr. Peterson? 57702Norm: The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. 57703 Let's just cut to the happy ending. 57704 -- Cheers, Airport V 57705 57706Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you. 57707Norm: I know, and if she calls, I'm not here. 57708 -- Cheers, Bar Wars II: The Woodman Strikes Back 57709 57710Sam: Beer, Norm? 57711Norm: Have I gotten that predictable? Good. 57712 -- Cheers, Don't Paint Your Chickens 57713% 57714Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose? 57715Norm: Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh? 57716 -- Cheers, Feeble Attraction 57717 57718Sam: What are you up to Norm? 57719Norm: My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall. 57720 -- Cheers, Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh 57721 57722Woody: Nice cold beer coming up, Mr. Peterson. 57723Norm: You mean, `Nice cold beer going *down* Mr. Peterson.' 57724 -- Cheers, Loverboyd 57725% 57726Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what do you say to a cold one? 57727Norm: See you later, Vera, I'll be at Cheers. 57728 -- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah 57729 57730Sam: Well, look at you. You look like the cat that 57731 swallowed the canary. 57732Norm: And I need a beer to wash him down. 57733 -- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah 57734 57735Woody: Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson? 57736Norm: No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass. 57737 -- Cheers, Little Carla, Happy at Last, Part 2 57738% 57739Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's up? 57740Norm: The warranty on my liver. 57741 -- Cheers, Breaking In Is Hard to Do 57742 57743Sam: What can I do for you, Norm? 57744Norm: Open up those beer taps and, oh, take the day off, Sam. 57745 -- Cheers, Veggie-Boyd 57746 57747Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson? 57748Norm: Another layer for the winter, Wood. 57749 -- Cheers, It's a Wonderful Wife 57750% 57751Woody: How are you feeling today, Mr. Peterson? 57752Norm: Poor. 57753Woody: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. 57754Norm: No, I meant `pour'. 57755 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 3 57756 57757Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's the story? 57758Norm: Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy gets another beer. 57759 -- Cheers, The Proposal 57760 57761Paul: Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you? 57762Norm: Like a baby treats a diaper. 57763 -- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash 57764% 57765Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson? 57766Norm: Let's talk about what's going *in* Mr. Peterson. A beer, Woody. 57767 -- Cheers, Paint Your Office 57768 57769Sam: How's life treating you? 57770Norm: It's not, Sammy, but that doesn't mean you can't. 57771 -- Cheers, A Kiss is Still a Kiss 57772 57773Woody: Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson? 57774Norm: A little early, isn't it Woody? 57775Woody: For a beer? 57776Norm: No, for stupid questions. 57777 -- Cheers, Let Sleeping Drakes Lie 57778% 57779Woody: What's happening, Mr. Peterson? 57780Norm: The question is, Woody, why is it happening to me? 57781 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 1 57782 57783Woody: What's going down, Mr. Peterson? 57784Norm: My cheeks on this barstool. 57785 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2 57786 57787Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, can I pour you a beer? 57788Norm: Well, okay, Woody, but be sure to stop me at one. ... 57789 Eh, make that one-thirty. 57790 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2 57791% 57792Woolsey-Swanson Rule: 57793 People would rather live with a problem they cannot 57794 solve rather than accept a solution they cannot understand. 57795% 57796Words are the voice of the heart. 57797% 57798Words can never express what words can never express. 57799% 57800Words have a longer life than deeds. 57801 -- Pindar 57802% 57803Words must be weighed, not counted. 57804% 57805WORK: 57806 The blessed respite from screaming kids and 57807 soap operas for which you actually get paid. 57808% 57809Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. 57810Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do. 57811 -- Mark Twain 57812% 57813Work continues in this area. 57814 -- DEC's SPR-Answering-Automaton 57815% 57816Work expands to fill the time available. 57817 -- Cyril Northcote Parkinson, "The Economist", 1955 57818% 57819Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near 57820the earth's surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people 57821to do so. 57822 -- Bertrand Russell 57823% 57824Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life. 57825 -- Schulz 57826% 57827Work is the curse of the drinking classes. 57828 -- Mike Romanoff 57829% 57830Work like hell, tell everyone everything you know, close a deal with 57831a handshake, and have fun. 57832 -- Harold "Doc" Edgerton, summing up his life's philosophy, 57833 shortly before dying at the age of 86. 57834% 57835Work Rule: Leave of Absence (for an Operation): 57836 We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage 57837any thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you 57838should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, 57839and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we 57840bargained for. 57841% 57842Work smarter, not harder, and be careful of your speling. 57843% 57844Work without a vision is slavery, 57845Vision without work is a pipe dream, 57846But vision with work is the hope of the world. 57847% 57848Workers of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your chairs. 57849% 57850Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with 57851a valentine. 57852 -- Christopher Plummer 57853% 57854World tensions have, if anything, increased in the quarter century 57855since H. G. Wells uttered his glum warning: "There is no more evil 57856thing on earth than race prejudice, none at all. I write deliberately 57857-- it is the worst single thing in life now. It justifies and holds 57858together more baseness, cruelty and abomination than any other sort of 57859error in the world." 57860 -- Sydney Harris 57861% 57862World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced 57863dress code! 57864% 57865Worrying is like rocking in a rocking chair-- 57866It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere. 57867% 57868Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing: 57869 August. The lift lines are the shortest, though. 57870 -- Steve Rubenstein 57871% 57872Worst Month of the Year: 57873 February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if 57874you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you don't 57875get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible. 57876 -- Steve Rubenstein 57877% 57878Worst Response To A Crisis, 1985: 57879 From a readers' Q and A column in TV GUIDE: "If we get involved 57880in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from exploding bombs 57881damage my videotapes?" 57882% 57883Worst Vegetable of the Year: 57884 Brussel sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year. 57885 -- Steve Rubenstein 57886% 57887Worth seeing? 57888Yes, but not worth going to see. 57889% 57890Worthless. 57891 -- Sir George Bidell Airy, KCB, MA, LLD, DCL, FRS, FRAS 57892 (Astronomer Royal of Great Britain), estimating for the 57893 Chancellor of the Exchequer the potential value of the 57894 "analytical engine" invented by Charles Babbage, September 57895 15, 1842. 57896% 57897Would it help if I got out and pushed? 57898 -- Princess Leia Organa 57899% 57900Would that my hand were as swift as my tongue. 57901 -- Alfieri 57902% 57903Would the last person to leave Michigan please turn out the lights? 57904% 57905Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake? 57906 -- John Heywood 57907% 57908Would you care to drift aimlessly in my direction? 57909% 57910Would you care to view the ruins of my good intentions? 57911% 57912Would you like to be tried in court by people 57913who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty? 57914% 57915Would you people stop playing these stupid games?!?!?!!!! 57916% 57917Would you *really* want to get on a non-stop flight? 57918 -- George Carlin 57919% 57920"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?" 57921 57922"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat. 57923 -- Lewis Carroll 57924% 57925Wouldn't this be a great world if being insecure and desperate were 57926a turn-on? 57927 -- "Broadcast News" 57928% 57929Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been. 57930 -- Mark Twain 57931% 57932Write a wise saying and your name will live forever. 57933 -- Anonymous 57934% 57935Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply. 57936% 57937Write-protect tab, n.: 57938 A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly 57939left by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error 57940message once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the 57941momentary inconvenience. 57942 -- Robb Russon 57943% 57944Writers who use a computer swear to its liberating power in tones that bear 57945witness to the apocalyptic power of a new divinity. Their conviction results 57946from something deeper than mere gratitude for the computer's conveniences. 57947Every new medium of writing brings about new intensities of religious belief 57948and new schisms among believers. In the 16th century the printed book helped 57949make possible the split between Catholics and Protestants. In the 20th 57950century this history of tragedy and triumph is repeating itself as a farce. 57951Those who worship the Apple computer and those who put their faith in the IBM 57952PC are equally convinced that the other camp is damned or deluded. Each cult 57953holds in contempt the rituals and the laws of the other. Each thinks that it 57954is itself the one hope for salvation. 57955 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988 57956% 57957Writing about music is like dancing about architecture. 57958 -- Frank Zappa 57959% 57960Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down. 57961% 57962Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at the blank sheet of 57963paper until drops of blood form on your forehead. 57964 -- Gene Fowler 57965% 57966Writing is turning one's worst moments into money. 57967 -- J. P. Donleavy 57968% 57969Writing software is more fun than working. 57970% 57971WRONG! 57972% 57973"Wrong," said Renner. 57974 57975"The tactful way," Rod said quietly, "the polite way to disagree with 57976the Senator would be to say, `That turns out not to be the case.'" 57977% 57978WYSIWYG: 57979 What You See Is What You Get. 57980% 57981X windows: 57982 Accept any substitute. 57983 If it's broke, don't fix it. 57984 If it ain't broke, fix it. 57985 Form follows malfunction. 57986 The Cutting Edge of Obsolescence. 57987 The trailing edge of software technology. 57988 Armageddon never looked so good. 57989 Japan's secret weapon. 57990 You'll envy the dead. 57991 Making the world safe for competing window systems. 57992 Let it get in YOUR way. 57993 The problem for your problem. 57994 If it starts working, we'll fix it. Pronto. 57995 It could be worse, but it'll take time. 57996 Simplicity made complex. 57997 The greatest productivity aid since typhoid. 57998 Flakey and built to stay that way. 57999 58000One thousand monkeys. One thousand MicroVAXes. One thousand years. 58001 X windows. 58002% 58003X windows: 58004 It's not how slow you make it. It's how you make it slow. 58005 The windowing system preferred by masochists 3 to 1. 58006 Built to take on the world... and lose! 58007 Don't try it 'til you've knocked it. 58008 Power tools for Power Fools. 58009 Putting new limits on productivity. 58010 The closer you look, the cruftier we look. 58011 Design by counterexample. 58012 A new level of software disintegration. 58013 No hardware is safe. 58014 Do your time. 58015 Rationalization, not realization. 58016 Old-world software cruftsmanship at its finest. 58017 Gratuitous incompatibility. 58018 Your mother. 58019 THE user interference management system. 58020 You can't argue with failure. 58021 You haven't died 'til you've used it. 58022 58023The environment of today... tomorrow! 58024 X windows. 58025% 58026X windows: 58027 Something you can be ashamed of. 58028 30%% more entropy than the leading window system. 58029 The first fully modular software disaster. 58030 Rome was destroyed in a day. 58031 Warn your friends about it. 58032 Climbing to new depths. Sinking to new heights. 58033 An accident that couldn't wait to happen. 58034 Don't wait for the movie. 58035 Never use it after a big meal. 58036 Need we say less? 58037 Plumbing the depths of human incompetence. 58038 It'll make your day. 58039 Don't get frustrated without it. 58040 Power tools for power losers. 58041 A software disaster of Biblical proportions. 58042 Never had it. Never will. 58043 The software with no visible means of support. 58044 More than just a generation behind. 58045 58046Hindenburg. Titanic. Edsel. 58047 X windows. 58048% 58049X windows: 58050 The ultimate bottleneck. 58051 Flawed beyond belief. 58052 The only thing you have to fear. 58053 Somewhere between chaos and insanity. 58054 On autopilot to oblivion. 58055 The joke that kills. 58056 A disgrace you can be proud of. 58057 A mistake carried out to perfection. 58058 Belongs more to the problem set than the solution set. 58059 To err is X windows. 58060 Ignorance is our most important resource. 58061 Complex nonsolutions to simple nonproblems. 58062 Built to fall apart. 58063 Nullifying centuries of progress. 58064 Falling to new depths of inefficiency. 58065 The last thing you need. 58066 The de facto substandard. 58067 58068Elevating brain damage to an art form. 58069 X windows. 58070% 58071X windows: 58072 We will dump no core before its time. 58073 One good crash deserves another. 58074 A bad idea whose time has come. And gone. 58075 We make excuses. 58076 It didn't even look good on paper. 58077 You laugh now, but you'll be laughing harder later! 58078 A new concept in abuser interfaces. 58079 How can something get so bad, so quickly? 58080 It could happen to you. 58081 The art of incompetence. 58082 You have nothing to lose but your lunch. 58083 When uselessness just isn't enough. 58084 More than a mere hindrance. It's a whole new barrier! 58085 When you can't afford to be right. 58086 And you thought we couldn't make it worse. 58087 58088If it works, it isn't X windows. 58089% 58090X windows: 58091 You'd better sit down. 58092 Don't laugh. It could be YOUR thesis project. 58093 Why do it right when you can do it wrong? 58094 Live the nightmare. 58095 Our bugs run faster. 58096 When it absolutely, positively HAS to crash overnight. 58097 There ARE no rules. 58098 You'll wish we were kidding. 58099 Everything you never wanted in a window system. And more. 58100 Dissatisfaction guaranteed. 58101 There's got to be a better way. 58102 The next best thing to keypunching. 58103 Leave the thrashing to us. 58104 We wrote the book on core dumps. 58105 Even your dog won't like it. 58106 More than enough rope. 58107 Garbage at your fingertips. 58108 58109Incompatibility. Shoddiness. Uselessness. 58110 X windows. 58111% 58112Xerox does it again and again and again and ... 58113% 58114Xerox never comes up with anything original. 58115% 58116XI: 58117 If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would 58118 get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty 58119 times as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all 58120 the managers would fly off. 58121XII: 58122 It costs a lot to build bad products. 58123XIII: 58124 There are many highly successful businesses in the United States. 58125 There are also many highly paid executives. The policy is not to 58126 intermingle the two. 58127XIV: 58128 After the year 2015, there will be no airplane crashes. There will 58129 be no takeoffs either, because electronics will occupy 100 percent 58130 of every airplane's weight. 58131XV: 58132 The last 10 percent of performance generates one-third of the cost 58133 and two-thirds of the problems. 58134 -- Norman Augustine 58135% 58136XIIdigitation, n.: 58137 The practice of trying to determine the year a movie was made 58138 by deciphering the Roman numerals at the end of the credits. 58139 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 58140% 58141XLI: 58142 The more one produces, the less one gets. 58143XLII: 58144 Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite testing. 58145XLIII: 58146 Hardware works best when it matters the least. 58147XLIV: 58148 Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a westerly 58149 direction, preferably supersonic, crossing time zones to provide the 58150 additional hours needed to fix the broken electronics. 58151XLV: 58152 One should expect that the expected can be prevented, but the 58153 unexpected should have been expected. 58154XLVI: 58155 A billion saved is a billion earned. 58156 -- Norman Augustine 58157% 58158XLVII: 58159 Two-thirds of the Earth's surface is covered with water. The other 58160 third is covered with auditors from headquarters. 58161XLVIII: 58162 The more time you spend talking about what you have been doing, the 58163 less time you have to spend doing what you have been talking about. 58164 Eventually, you spend more and more time talking about less and less 58165 until finally you spend all your time talking about nothing. 58166XLIX: 58167 Regulations grow at the same rate as weeds. 58168L: 58169 The average regulation has a life span one-fifth as long as a 58170 chimpanzee's and one-tenth as long as a human's -- but four times 58171 as long as the official's who created it. 58172LI: 58173 By the time of the United States Tricentennial, there will be more 58174 government workers than there are workers. 58175LII: 58176 People working in the private sector should try to save money. 58177 There remains the possibility that it may someday be valuable again. 58178 -- Norman Augustine 58179% 58180XML is a giant step in no direction at all. 58181 -- Erik Naggum 58182% 58183XML is like violence: if it doesn't solve your problem, you aren't using 58184enough of it. 58185 -- XML guru Chris Maden 58186% 58187X-rated movies are all alike ... the only thing they leave to the 58188imagination is the plot. 58189% 58190XVI: 58191 In the year 2054, the entire defense budget will purchase just one 58192 aircraft. This aircraft will have to be shared by the Air Force and 58193 Navy 3-1/2 days each per week except for leap year, when it will be 58194 made available to the Marines for the extra day. 58195XVII: 58196 Software is like entropy. It is difficult to grasp, weighs nothing, 58197 and obeys the Second Law of Thermodynamics, i.e., it always increases. 58198XVIII: 58199 It is very expensive to achieve high unreliability. It is not uncommon 58200 to increase the cost of an item by a factor of ten for each factor of 58201 ten degradation accomplished. 58202XIX: 58203 Although most products will soon be too costly to purchase, there will 58204 be a thriving market in the sale of books on how to fix them. 58205XX: 58206 In any given year, Congress will appropriate the amount of funding 58207 approved the prior year plus three-fourths of whatever change the 58208 administration requests -- minus 4-percent tax. 58209 -- Norman Augustine 58210% 58211XXI: 58212 It's easy to get a loan unless you need it. 58213XXII: 58214 If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock, 58215 not selling advice. 58216XXIII: 58217 Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is 58218 currently estimated. 58219XXIV: 58220 The only thing more costly than stretching the schedule of an 58221 established project is accelerating it, which is itself the most 58222 costly action known to man. 58223XXV: 58224 A revised schedule is to business what a new season is to an athlete 58225 or a new canvas to an artist. 58226 -- Norman Augustine 58227% 58228XXVI: 58229 If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on each 58230 other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to chance. 58231XXVII: 58232 Rank does not intimidate hardware. Neither does the lack of rank. 58233XXVIII: 58234 It is better to be the reorganizer than the reorganizee. 58235XXIX: 58236 Executives who do not produce successful results hold on to their 58237 jobs only about five years. Those who produce effective results 58238 hang on about half a decade. 58239XXX: 58240 By the time the people asking the questions are ready for the answers, 58241 the people doing the work have lost track of the questions. 58242 -- Norman Augustine 58243% 58244XXXI: 58245 The optimum committee has no members. 58246XXXII: 58247 Hiring consultants to conduct studies can be an excellent means of 58248 turning problems into gold -- your problems into their gold. 58249XXXIII: 58250 Fools rush in where incumbents fear to tread. 58251XXXIV: 58252 The process of competitively selecting contractors to perform work 58253 is based on a system of rewards and penalties, all distributed 58254 randomly. 58255XXXV: 58256 The weaker the data available upon which to base one's conclusion, 58257 the greater the precision which should be quoted in order to give 58258 the data authenticity. 58259 -- Norman Augustine 58260% 58261XXXVI: 58262 The thickness of the proposal required to win a multimillion dollar 58263 contract is about one millimeter per million dollars. If all the 58264 proposals conforming to this standard were piled on top of each other 58265 at the bottom of the Grand Canyon it would probably be a good idea. 58266XXXVII: 58267 Ninety percent of the time things will turn out worse than you expect. 58268 The other 10 percent of the time you had no right to expect so much. 58269XXXVIII: 58270 The early bird gets the worm. 58271 The early worm ... gets eaten. 58272XXXIX: 58273 Never promise to complete any project within six months of the end of 58274 the year -- in either direction. 58275XL: 58276 Most projects start out slowly -- and then sort of taper off. 58277 -- Norman Augustine 58278% 58279Ya know, Quaker Oats make you feel good twice! 58280% 58281Yacc owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have 58282goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in 58283their endless search for "one more feature". Their irritating 58284unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my 58285doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right. 58286 -- Stephen C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgments" 58287% 58288Y'all hear about the geometer who went to the beach to catch some 58289rays and became a tangent ? 58290% 58291Yawd [noun, Bostonese]: the campus of Have Id. 58292 -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary 58293% 58294Yea from the table of my memory 58295I'll wipe away all trivial fond records. 58296 -- Hamlet 58297% 58298Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of APL, I shall 58299fear no evil, for I can string six primitive monadic and dyadic 58300operators together. 58301 -- Steve Higgins 58302% 58303Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context. 58304% 58305Yeah, God is dead, he laughed himself to death. 58306% 58307Yeah, if it looks like a duck, and walks like 58308a duck, and quacks like a duck -- shoot it. 58309% 58310Yeah, that's me, Tracer Bullet. I've got eight slugs in me. One's lead, 58311the rest bourbon. The drink packs a wallop, and I pack a revolver. I'm 58312a private eye. 58313 -- Calvin 58314% 58315Yeah, there are more important things in life than money, 58316but they won't go out with you if you don't have any. 58317% 58318Year Name James Bond Book 58319---- -------------------------------- -------------- ---- 5832050's James Bond TV Series Barry Nelson 583211962 Dr. No Sean Connery 1958 583221963 From Russia With Love Sean Connery 1957 583231964 Goldfinger Sean Connery 1959 583241965 Thunderball Sean Connery 1961 583251967* Casino Royale David Niven 1954 583261967 You Only Live Twice Sean Connery 1964 583271969 On Her Majesty's Secret Service George Lazenby 1963 583281971 Diamonds Are Forever Sean Connery 1956 583291973 Live And Let Die Roger Moore 1955 583301974 The Man With The Golden Gun Roger Moore 1965 583311977 The Spy Who Loved Me Roger Moore 1962 (novelette) 583321979 Moonraker Roger Moore 1955 583331981 For Your Eyes Only Roger Moore 1960 (novelette) 583341983 Octopussy Roger Moore 1965 583351983* Never Say Never Again Sean Connery 583361985 A View To A Kill Roger Moore 1960 (novelette) 583371987 The Living Daylights Timothy Dalton 1965 (novelette) 58338 * -- Not a Broccoli production 58339% 58340Year, n.: 58341 A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments. 58342 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 58343% 58344Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache. 58345% 58346Yes, but which self do you want to be? 58347% 58348Yes, I was surprised how easy it was to cut the door off my cat. 58349 -- James D. Nicoll 58350% 58351Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those 58352L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l. 58353 -- Rita Rudner 58354% 58355Yes me, I got a bottle in front of me. 58356And Jimmy has a frontal lobotomy. 58357Just different ways to kill the pain the same. 58358But I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, 58359Than to have to have a frontal lobotomy. 58360I might be drunk but at least I'm not insane. 58361 -- Randy Ansley M.D. (Dr. Rock) 58362% 58363Yes, we will be going to OSI, Mars and, Pluto, but not necessarily in 58364that order. 58365 -- George Michaelson 58366% 58367Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still 58368be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement. 58369 -- Snoopy 58370% 58371Yesterday upon the stair 58372I met a man who wasn't there. 58373He wasn't there again today -- 58374I think he's from the CIA. 58375% 58376Ye've also got to remember that ... respectable people do the most 58377astonishin' things to preserve their respectability. Thank God 58378I'm not respectable. 58379 -- Ruthven Campbell Todd 58380% 58381Yevtushenko has... an ego that can crack crystal at a distance of twenty 58382feet. 58383 -- John Cheever 58384% 58385Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again. 58386 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 58387% 58388Yinkel, n.: 58389 A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, 58390 hoping no one will notice. 58391 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 58392% 58393You ain't learning nothing when you're talking. 58394% 58395You always have the option of pitching baseballs at empty 58396spray paint cans in a cul-de-sac in a Cleveland suburb. 58397% 58398You are a bundle of energy, always on the go. 58399% 58400You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here. 58401% 58402You are a taxi driver. Your cab is yellow and black, and has been in 58403use for only seven years. One of its windshield wipers is broken, and 58404the carburetor needs adjusting. The tank holds 20 gallons, but at the 58405moment is only three-quarters full. How old is the taxi driver?" 58406% 58407You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are. 58408% 58409You are a wish to be here wishing yourself. 58410 -- Philip Whalen 58411% 58412You are absolute plate-glass. I see to the very back of your mind. 58413 -- Sherlock Holmes 58414% 58415You are always busy. 58416% 58417You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk. 58418% 58419You are an insult to my intelligence! 58420I demand that you log off immediately. 58421% 58422You are as I am with You. 58423% 58424You are capable of planning your future. 58425% 58426You are confused; but this is your normal state. 58427% 58428You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances. 58429% 58430You are destined to become the commandant of the 58431fighting men of the department of transportation. 58432% 58433You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend. 58434% 58435You are fairminded, just and loving. 58436% 58437You are false data. 58438% 58439You are farsighted, a good planner, 58440an ardent lover, and a faithful friend. 58441% 58442You are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way. 58443% 58444You are going to have a new love affair. 58445% 58446You are here: 58447 *** 58448 *** 58449 ********* 58450 ******* 58451 ***** 58452 *** 58453 * 58454 58455 But you're not all there. 58456% 58457You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all alike. 58458% 58459You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all different. 58460% 58461You are in the hall of the mountain king. 58462% 58463You are lost in the Swamps of Despair. 58464% 58465You are loved by the multitudes. 58466Have you been to the clinic lately? 58467% 58468You are magnetic in your bearing. 58469% 58470You are never given a wish without also being given the 58471power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however. 58472 -- R. Bach, 58473 "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul" 58474% 58475You are not a fool just because you have done 58476something foolish -- only if the folly of it escapes you. 58477% 58478You are not dead yet. 58479But watch for further reports. 58480% 58481You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing 58482forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute. You are 58483avenged fourteen hundred and forty times a day. 58484 -- Ambrose Bierce 58485% 58486You are now in Atlanta, Georgia. 58487Please set your clocks back 200 years. 58488% 58489You are number 6! Who is number one? 58490% 58491"You are old, Father William," the young man said, 58492 "All your papers these days look the same; 58493Those William's would be better unread -- 58494 Do these facts never fill you with shame?" 58495 58496"In my youth," Father William replied to his son, 58497 "I wrote wonderful papers galore; 58498But the great reputation I found that I'd won, 58499 Made it pointless to think any more." 58500% 58501"You are old, father William," the young man said, 58502 "And your hair has become very white; 58503And yet you incessantly stand on your head -- 58504 Do you think, at your age, it is right?" 58505 58506"In my youth," father William replied to his son, 58507 "I feared it might injure the brain; 58508But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none, 58509 Why, I do it again and again." 58510 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865) 58511% 58512"You are old," said the youth, "and I'm told by my peers 58513 That your lectures bore people to death. 58514Yet you talk at one hundred conventions per year -- 58515 Don't you think that you should save your breath?" 58516 58517"I have answered three questions and that is enough," 58518 Said his father, "Don't give yourself airs! 58519Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? 58520 Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!" 58521% 58522"You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak 58523 For anything tougher than suet; 58524Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak -- 58525 Pray, how did you manage to do it?" 58526 58527"In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law, 58528 And argued each case with my wife; 58529And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw, 58530 Has lasted the rest of my life." 58531 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865) 58532% 58533"You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run, 58534 And there isn't one language you like; 58535Yet of useful suggestions for help you have none -- 58536 Have you thought about taking a hike?" 58537 58538"Since I never write programs," his father replied, 58539 "Every language looks equally bad; 58540Yet the people keep paying to read all my books 58541 And don't realize that they've been had." 58542% 58543"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before, 58544 And have grown most uncommonly fat; 58545Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door -- 58546 Pray what is the reason of that?" 58547 58548"In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks, 58549 "I kept all my limbs very supple 58550By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box -- 58551 Allow me to sell you a couple?" 58552 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865) 58553% 58554"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before, 58555 And make errors few people could bear; 58556You complain about everyone's English but yours -- 58557 Do you really think this is quite fair?" 58558 58559"I make lots of mistakes," Father William declared, 58560 "But my stature these days is so great 58561That no critic can hurt me -- I've got them all scared, 58562 And to stop me it's now far too late." 58563% 58564"You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose 58565 That your eye was as steady as ever; 58566Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose -- 58567 What made you so awfully clever?" 58568 58569"I have answered three questions, and that is enough," 58570 Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs! 58571Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? 58572 Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!" 58573 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865) 58574% 58575You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. 58576% 58577You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward. 58578Therefore you have few friends. 58579% 58580You are sick, twisted and perverted. 58581I like that in a person. 58582% 58583You are so boring that when I see you my feet go to sleep. 58584% 58585You are standing on my toes. 58586% 58587You are taking yourself far too seriously. 58588% 58589You are the only person to ever get this message. 58590% 58591You are transported to a room where you are faced by a wizard who 58592points to you and says, "Them's fighting words!" You immediately get 58593attacked by all sorts of denizens of the museum: there is a cobra 58594chewing on your leg, a troglodyte is bashing your brains out with a 58595gold nugget, a crocodile is removing large chunks of flesh from you, a 58596rhinoceros is goring you with his horn, a sabre-tooth cat is busy 58597trying to disembowel you, you are being trampled by a large mammoth, a 58598vampire is sucking you dry, a Tyrannosaurus Rex is sinking his six inch 58599long fangs into various parts of your anatomy, a large bear is 58600dismembering your body, a gargoyle is bouncing up and down on your 58601head, a burly troll is tearing you limb from limb, several dire wolves 58602are making mince meat out of your torso, and the wizard is about to 58603transport you to the corner of Westwood and Broxton. Oh dear, you seem 58604to have gotten yourself killed, as well. 58605 58606You scored 0 out of 250 possible points. 58607That gives you a ranking of junior beginning adventurer. 58608To achieve the next higher rating, you need to score 32 more points. 58609% 58610You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading 58611this sort of trash. 58612% 58613You ask what a nice girl will do? 58614She won't give an inch, but she won't say no. 58615 -- Marcus Valerius Martialis 58616% 58617You attempt things that you do not even plan 58618because of your extreme stupidity. 58619% 58620You auto buy now. 58621% 58622You buttered your bread, now lie in it! 58623% 58624You buy a judge by weight, like iron in a junk yard. A justice of the 58625peace or a magistrate can be had for a five-dollar bill. In the 58626municipal courts, he will cost you ten. In the circuit or superior 58627courts, he wants fifteen. The state appellate courts or the state 58628supreme court is on a par with the Federal courts. By the time a judge 58629reaches such courts, he is middle-aged, thick around the middle, fat 58630between the ears. He's heavy. You can't buy a Federal judge for less 58631than a twenty-dollar bill. 58632 -- Jake "Greasy Thumb" Guzik 58633% 58634You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove. 58635 -- Tim Leary 58636% 58637You can always tell luck from ability by its duration. 58638% 58639You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting 58640incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail. 58641Fruitcakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable 58642to find a way to damage them. They last forever, largely because 58643nobody ever eats them. In fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes 58644they receive and send them back to the original givers the next year; 58645some fruitcakes have been passed back and forth for hundreds of years. 58646 58647The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then 58648pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear 58649safety glasses. 58650 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" 58651% 58652You can always tell the people that are forging the new frontier. 58653They're the ones with arrows sticking out of their backs. 58654% 58655You can approach truth, but never capture it. 58656Lies can be had 'round the corner. 58657 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 58658% 58659You can be replaced by this computer. 58660% 58661You can bear anything if it isn't your own fault. 58662 -- Katharine Fullerton Gerould 58663% 58664You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it 58665doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on. 58666 -- Hepler, Systems Design 182, University of Washington 58667% 58668You can bring men from other parts of the world who are sane. And you 58669know what happens? At the very moment they cross those mountains... 58670they go mad. Instantaneously and automatically, at the very moment 58671they cross the mountains into California, they go insane. 58672 -- Quentin Genter 58673% 58674You can build a throne out of bayonets, but you can't sit on it for very long. 58675 -- Boris Yeltsin 58676% 58677You can cage a swallow, can't you, 58678 but you can't swallow a cage, can you? 58679Girl, bathing on Bikini, eyeing boy, 58680 finds boy eyeing bikini on bathing girl. 58681A man, a plan, a canal -- Panama! 58682 -- The Palindromist 58683% 58684You can create your own opportunities this week. 58685Blackmail a senior executive. 58686% 58687You can destroy your now by worrying about tomorrow. 58688 -- Janis Joplin 58689% 58690You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them. 58691Why do you find that funny? 58692 -- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350, University of Washington 58693% 58694You can do very well in speculation where 58695land or anything to do with dirt is concerned. 58696% 58697You can drive a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead. 58698% 58699You can fool all the people all of the time if the advertising is right 58700and the budget is big enough. 58701 -- Joseph E. Levine 58702% 58703You can fool some of the people all of the time and all 58704of the people some of the time, but you can never fool your Mom. 58705% 58706You can fool some of the people all of the time, 58707and all of the people some of the time, 58708but you can make a fool of yourself anytime. 58709% 58710You can fool some of the people some of the time, 58711and some of the people all of the time, and that is sufficient. 58712% 58713You can get *anywhere* in ten minutes if you drive fast enough. 58714% 58715You can get everything in life you want, 58716if you will help enough other people get what they want. 58717% 58718You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you 58719can with just a kind word. 58720 -- Bumper Sticker 58721% 58722You can get much further with a kind word and a 58723gun than you can with a kind word alone. 58724 -- Al Capone 58725 [Also attributed to Johnny Carson. Ed.] 58726% 58727You can get there from here, but why on earth would you want to? 58728% 58729You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. 58730% 58731You can grovel with a lover, you can grovel with a friend, 58732You can grovel with your boss, and it never has to end. 58733 58734(chorus) Grovel, grovel, grovel, every night and every day, 58735 Grovel, grovel, grovel, in your own peculiar way. 58736 58737You can grovel in a hallway, you can grovel in a park, 58738You can grovel in an alley with a mugger after dark. 58739(chorus) 58740 58741You can grovel with your uncle, you can grovel with your aunt, 58742You can grovel with your Apple, even though you say you can't. 58743(chorus) 58744% 58745You can have a dog as a friend. You can have whiskey as a friend. But 58746if you have a woman as a friend, you're going to wind up drunk and kissing 58747your dog. 58748 -- foolin' around 58749% 58750You can have peace. Or you can have freedom. 58751Don't ever count on having both at once. 58752 -- Lazarus Long 58753% 58754You can imagine my embarrassment when I killed the wrong guy. 58755 -- Joe Valachi 58756% 58757You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, 58758for instance. 58759 -- Franklin P. Jones 58760% 58761You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular. 58762% 58763You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on 58764the continuing viability of FORTRAN. 58765 -- Alan J. Perlis 58766% 58767You can move the world with an idea, 58768but you have to think of it first. 58769% 58770You can never trust a woman; she may be true to you. 58771% 58772You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake. 58773 -- Jeannette Rankin 58774% 58775You can not get anything worthwhile done without raising a sweat. 58776 -- The First Law Of Thermodynamics 58777 58778What ever you want is going to cost a little more than it is worth. 58779 -- The Second Law Of Thermodynamics 58780 58781You can not win the game, and you are not allowed to stop playing. 58782 -- The Third Law Of Thermodynamics 58783% 58784You can now buy more gates with less 58785specifications than at any other time in history. 58786 -- Kenneth Parker 58787% 58788You can observe a lot just by watching. 58789 -- Yogi Berra 58790% 58791You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. 58792% 58793You can rent this space for only $5 a week. 58794% 58795You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding 58796decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left 58797over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart. 58798 -- F. Allen 58799% 58800You can tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the language of 58801supercomputers. 58802 -- Steven Feiner 58803% 58804You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements. 58805 -- Norman Douglas 58806% 58807You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish. 58808% 58809You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename. 58810 -- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454, 58811 University of Washington 58812% 58813You canna change the laws of physics, Captain; 58814I've got to have thirty minutes! 58815% 58816You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd. 58817% 58818You cannot choose your battlefield, the gods do that for you. 58819But you can plant a standard where a standard never flew. 58820 -- Nathalia Crane 58821% 58822You cannot have a science without measurement. 58823 -- R. W. Hamming 58824% 58825You cannot kill time without injuring eternity. 58826% 58827You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back. 58828% 58829You cannot see the wood for the trees. 58830 -- John Heywood 58831% 58832You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist. 58833 -- Indira Gandhi 58834% 58835You cannot use your friends and have them too. 58836% 58837You can't break eggs without making an omelet. 58838% 58839You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks. 58840% 58841You can't cheat an honest man, never give 58842a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump. 58843 -- W. C. Fields 58844% 58845You can't cheat the phone company. 58846% 58847You can't cross a large chasm in two small jumps. 58848% 58849You can't depend on the man who made the mess to clean it up. 58850 -- Richard M. Nixon (1952) 58851% 58852You can't erase a dream, you can only wake me up. 58853 -- Peter Frampton 58854% 58855You can't expect a boy to be vicious till he's been to a good school. 58856 -- H. H. Munro 58857% 58858"You can't expect a mother to be with a small child all the time", 58859Margaret Mead once remarked, with her usual good sense, but in 1978 58860she shocked feminists by snapping that women don't really have 58861children to put them in day care twelve hours a day, either. 58862 -- Caroline Bird, "The Two Paycheck Marriage" 58863% 58864You can't fall off the floor. 58865% 58866You can't get there from here. 58867% 58868You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME. 58869% 58870You can't have everything. Where would you put it? 58871 -- Steven Wright 58872% 58873You can't have your cake and let your neighbor eat it too. 58874 -- Ayn Rand 58875% 58876You can't hold a man down without staying down with him. 58877 -- Booker T. Washington 58878% 58879You can't hug a child with nuclear arms. 58880% 58881You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair. 58882% 58883You can't kiss a girl unexpectedly -- 58884only sooner than she thought you would. 58885% 58886You can't learn too soon that the most useful thing about a principle 58887is that it can always be sacrificed to expediency. 58888 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle" 58889% 58890You can't make a program without broken egos. 58891% 58892You can't mend a wristwatch while falling from an airplane. 58893% 58894You can't play your friends like marks, kid. 58895 -- Henry Gondorf, "The Sting" 58896% 58897You can't push on a string. 58898% 58899You can't run away forever, 58900But there's nothing wrong with getting a good head start. 58901 -- Jim Steinman, "Rock and Roll Dreams Come Through" 58902% 58903You can't say civilization don't advance... in every war they kill you a 58904new way. 58905 -- Will Rogers 58906% 58907You can't start worrying about what's going to happen. 58908You get spastic enough worrying about what's happening now. 58909 -- Lauren Bacall 58910% 58911You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten. 58912 -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and 58913 Over and Over" 58914% 58915You can't take damsel here now. 58916% 58917You can't take it with you -- 58918especially when crossing a state line. 58919% 58920You can't teach people to be lazy -- 58921either they have it, or they don't. 58922 -- Dagwood Bumstead 58923% 58924You climb to reach the summit, but once 58925there, discover that all roads lead down. 58926 -- Stanislaw Lem, "The Cyberiad" 58927% 58928You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first 58929and last month in advance. 58930% 58931You could live a better life, if you 58932had a better mind and a better body. 58933% 58934You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable 58935doubt. 58936 -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict 58937% 58938You definitely intend to start living sometime soon. 58939% 58940You dialed 5483. 58941% 58942You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy. 58943% 58944You do not have mail. 58945% 58946You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one. 58947% 58948You don't have to be nice to people on the way up 58949if you're not planning on coming back down. 58950 -- Oliver Warbucks, "Annie" 58951% 58952You don't have to explain something you never said. 58953 -- Calvin Coolidge 58954% 58955You don't have to know how the computer 58956works, just how to work the computer. 58957% 58958You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers. 58959 -- J. D. Salinger 58960% 58961You don't move to Edina, you achieve Edina. 58962 -- Guindon 58963% 58964You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting 58965needles. 58966 -- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food 58967% 58968You enjoy the company of other people. 58969% 58970You feel a whole lot more like you do 58971now than you did when you used to. 58972% 58973You fill a much-needed gap. 58974% 58975You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form. 58976The short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified", 58977which means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears 58978tax-preparation expert to distinguish between their first and last 58979names. Here's the complete text: 58980 58981 "(1) How much did you make? (AMOUNT) 58982 "(2) How much did we here at the government take out? (AMOUNT) 58983 "(3) Hey! Sounds like we took too much! So we're going to 58984 send an official government check for (ONE-FIFTEENTH OF 58985 THE AMOUNT WE TOOK) directly to the (YOUR LAST NAME) 58986 household at (YOUR ADDRESS), for you to spend in any way 58987 you please! Which just goes to show you, (YOUR FIRST 58988 NAME), that it pays to file the short form!" 58989 58990The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your 58991money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long 58992form. 58993 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" 58994% 58995You first parent of the human race... who ruined yourself for an apple, 58996what might you have done for a truffled turkey? 58997 -- Brillat-Savarin, "Physiologie du go^ut" 58998% 58999You get along very well with everyone except animals and people. 59000% 59001You get what you pay for. 59002 -- Gabriel Biel 59003% 59004You give me space to belong to myself yet without separating me 59005from your own life. May it all turn out to your happiness. 59006 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 59007% 59008You go down to the pickup station, 59009 craving warmth and beauty; 59010You settle for less than fascination -- 59011 a few drinks later you're not so choosy. 59012And the closing lights strip off the shadows 59013 on this strange new flesh you've found -- 59014Clutching the night to you like a fig leaf 59015 you hurry to the blackness 59016 and the blankets to lay down an impression 59017 and your loneliness. 59018 -- Joni Mitchell 59019% 59020You got to be very careful if you don't know 59021where you're going, because you might not get there. 59022 -- Yogi Berra 59023% 59024You got to pay your dues if you want to sing the blues, 59025And you know it don't come easy ... 59026I don't ask for much, I only want trust, 59027And you know it don't come easy ... 59028% 59029You guys have been practicing discrimination for years. 59030Now it's our turn. 59031 -- Thurgood Marshall, quoted by Justice Douglas 59032% 59033You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it! 59034% 59035You had mail. 59036Paul read it, so ask him what it said. 59037% 59038You had some happiness once, 59039but your parents moved away, and you had to leave it behind. 59040% 59041You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music. 59042% 59043You have a deep interest in all that is artistic. 59044% 59045You have a massage (from the Swedish prime minister). 59046% 59047You have a message from the operator. 59048% 59049You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy. 59050A pity that it's totally undeserved. 59051% 59052You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex. 59053% 59054You have a strong appeal for members of your own sex. 59055% 59056You have a strong desire for a home 59057and your family interests come first. 59058% 59059You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers. 59060% 59061You have a truly strong individuality. 59062% 59063You have a will that can be influenced 59064by all with whom you come in contact. 59065% 59066You have acquired a scroll entitled 'irk gleknow mizk'(n).--More-- 59067 59068This is an IBM Manual scroll.--More-- 59069 59070You are permanently confused. 59071 -- Dave Decot 59072% 59073You have all eternity to be cautious in when you're dead. 59074 -- Lois Platford 59075% 59076You have all the characteristics of a popular politician: 59077a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner. 59078 -- Aristophanes 59079% 59080You have an ability to sense and know higher truth. 59081% 59082You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself. 59083% 59084You have an unusual equipment for success. 59085Be sure to use it properly. 59086% 59087You have an unusual magnetic personality. Don't walk too close to 59088metal objects which are not fastened down. 59089% 59090You have an unusual understanding of 59091the problems of human relationships. 59092% 59093You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive. 59094 -- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet" 59095% 59096You have been selected for a secret mission. 59097% 59098You have Egyptian flu: you're going to be a mummy. 59099% 59100You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business. 59101% 59102You have junk mail. 59103% 59104You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop. 59105% 59106You have mail. 59107% 59108You have many friends and very few living enemies. 59109% 59110You have no real enemies. 59111% 59112You have not converted a man because you have silenced him. 59113 -- John Viscount Morley 59114% 59115You have only to mumble a few words in church to get married 59116and few words in your sleep to get divorced. 59117% 59118You have the body of a 19 year old. Please return it before it gets 59119wrinkled. 59120% 59121You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. 59122You'll learn a lot today. 59123% 59124You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact. 59125% 59126You have to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are. 59127If you want to get anywhere, you'll have to run much faster. 59128 -- Lewis Carroll, 59129 "Through the Looking-Glass, 59130 and What Alice Found There" (1871) 59131% 59132You humans are all alike. 59133% 59134You just know when a relationship is about to end. My girlfriend called me 59135at work and asked me how you change a lightbulb in the bathroom. "It's very 59136simple," I said. "You start by filling up the bathtub with water..." 59137% 59138You just wait, I'll sin till I blow up! 59139 -- Dylan Thomas 59140% 59141You k'n hide de fier, but w'at you gwine do wid de smoke? 59142 -- Joel Chandler Harris, proverbs of Uncle Remus 59143% 59144You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred. 59145 -- Superchicken 59146% 59147You know, Callahan's is a peaceable bar, but if 59148you ask that dog what his favorite formatter is, 59149and he says "roff! roff!", well, I'll just have to... 59150% 59151You know how to win a victory, Hannibal, but not how to use it. 59152 -- Maharbal 59153% 59154You know if they ever find a way to harness sarcasm as an energy source, 59155you people are all going to owe me big. 59156 -- Bill Paul 59157% 59158You know it's going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothes 59159you wore home from the party and there aren't any. 59160% 59161You know it's going to be a long day when you get up, shave and shower, 59162start to get dressed and your shoes are still warm. 59163 -- Dean Webber 59164% 59165You know it's Monday when you wake up and it's Tuesday. 59166 -- Garfield 59167% 59168You know my heart keeps tellin' me, 59169You're not a kid at thirty-three, 59170You play around you lose your wife, 59171You play too long, you lose your life. 59172Some gotta win, some gotta lose, 59173Goodtime Charlie's got the blues. 59174% 59175You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, 59176are now extinct. 59177 -- W. Somerset Maugham 59178% 59179You know, the difference between this company and 59180the Titanic is that the Titanic had paying customers. 59181% 59182You know the great thing about TV? If something important happens 59183anywhere at all in the world, no matter what time of the day or night, 59184you can always change the channel. 59185 -- Jim Ignatowski 59186% 59187You know very well that whether you are on page one or page thirty depends 59188on whether [the press] fear you. It is just as simple as that. 59189 -- Richard M. Nixon 59190% 59191You know what I wish? I wish all the scum of the Earth had one throat 59192and I had my hands about it. 59193 -- Rorschach, "Watchmen" 59194% 59195You know what they say -- the sweetest word in the English language 59196is revenge. 59197 -- Peter Beard 59198% 59199You know what we can be like: See a guy and think he's cute one minute, the 59200next minute our brains have us married with kids, the following minute we see 59201him having an extramarital affair. By the time someone says "I'd like you to 59202meet Cecil," we shout, "You're late again with the child support!" 59203 -- Cynthia Heimel, "A Girl's Guide to Chaos" 59204% 59205You know you are getting old when you think you should drive the speed limit. 59206 -- E. A. Gilliam 59207% 59208You know you have a small apartment when Rice Krispies echo. 59209 -- S. Rickly Christian 59210% 59211You know your apartment is small... 59212 when you can't know its position and velocity at the same time. 59213 you put your key in the lock and it breaks the window. 59214 you have to go outside to change your mind. 59215 you can vacuum the entire place using a single electrical outlet. 59216% 59217You know you're a little fat if you have stretch marks on your car. 59218 -- Cyrus, Chicago Reader 1/22/82 59219% 59220You know you're getting old when you're Dad, and you're measuring your 59221daughter for camp clothes, and there are certain measurements only her 59222mother is allowed to take. 59223% 59224You know you're in a small town when... 59225 You don't use turn signals because everybody knows where you're going. 59226 You're born on June 13 and your family receives gifts from the local 59227 merchants because you're the first baby of the year. 59228 Everyone knows whose credit is good, and whose wife isn't. 59229 You speak to each dog you pass, by name... and he wags his tail. 59230 You dial the wrong number, and talk for 15 minutes anyway. 59231 You write a check on the wrong bank and it covers you anyway. 59232% 59233You know you're in trouble when... 592341) You wake up face down on the pavement. 592352) Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache. 592363) You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes 59237 out of the city. 592384) Your twin sister forgot your birthday. 592395) You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then 59240 remember that you don't have a waterbed. 592416) Your doctor tells you you're allergic to chocolate. 59242% 59243You know you're in trouble when... 592441) Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you 59245 follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway. 592462) You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party 59247 and there aren't any. 592483) Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat. 592494) The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard. 592505) You wake up and your braces are locked together. 592516) Your mother approves of the person you're dating. 59252% 59253You know you're in trouble when... 59254(1) Your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind 59255 her own business. 59256(2) You put your bra on backwards and it fits better. 59257(3) You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold. 59258(4) You see a `60 Minutes' news team waiting in your office. 59259(5) Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. 59260(6) Your 4-year old reveals that it's "almost impossible" to 59261 flush a grapefruit down the toilet. 59262(7) You realize that you've memorized the back of the cereal box. 59263% 59264You know you're in trouble when... 59265(1) You've been at work for an hour before you notice that your 59266 skirt is caught in your pantyhose. 59267(2) Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife. 59268(3) Your income tax check bounces. 59269(4) You put both contact lenses in the same eye. 59270(5) Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George. 59271(6) You wake up to the soothing sound of flowing water... the day 59272 after you bought a waterbed. 59273(7) You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk 59274 clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party 59275 for your spouse. 59276% 59277You know you've been sitting in front of your Lisp machine too long 59278when you go out to the junk food machine and start wondering how to 59279make it give you the CADR of Item H so you can get that yummie 59280chocolate cupcake that's stuck behind the disgusting vanilla one. 59281% 59282You know you've been spending too much time on the computer when your 59283friend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it. 59284% 59285You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi. 59286% 59287You learn to write as if to someone else 59288because NEXT YEAR YOU WILL BE "SOMEONE ELSE". 59289% 59290You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances. 59291% 59292You lived with a man who wore white belts? 59293Laura, I'm disappointed in you. 59294 -- Remington Steele 59295% 59296You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled. 59297% 59298You look tired. 59299% 59300You love peace. 59301% 59302You love your home and want it to be beautiful. 59303% 59304You may already be a loser. 59305 -- Form letter received by Rodney Dangerfield 59306% 59307You may be gone tomorrow, but that 59308doesn't mean that you weren't here today. 59309% 59310You may be infinitely smaller than some things, 59311but you're infinitely larger than others. 59312% 59313You may be recognized soon. Hide. 59314% 59315You may be right, I may be crazy, 59316But maybe it's a lunatic you're looking for? 59317 -- Billy Joel 59318% 59319You may be sure that when a man begins to call himself a "realist," he 59320is preparing to do something he is secretly ashamed of doing. 59321 -- Sydney Harris 59322% 59323You may carve it on his tombstone, you may cut it on his card 59324That a young man married is a young man marred. 59325 -- Rudyard Kipling, "The Story of the Gadsbys" 59326% 59327You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue -- agree with 59328him. 59329 -- Edgar W. Howe 59330% 59331You may get an opportunity for advancement today. Watch it! 59332% 59333You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog. 59334 -- Alfred Kahn 59335% 59336You may my glories and my state dispose, 59337But not my griefs; still am I king of those. 59338 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II" 59339% 59340You may not be able to judge a book by its cover, but 59341you sure as hell can tell how much it's going to cost. 59342% 59343You may worry about your hair-do today, but tomorrow much peanut butter will 59344be sold. 59345% 59346You mean you didn't *know* she was off 59347making lots of little phone companies? 59348% 59349You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for 59350success. You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits 59351or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume 59352party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World. 59353 -- Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success" 59354% 59355You mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond the 59356obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and 59357an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you. 59358 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Norwood Builder" 59359% 59360You might have mail. 59361% 59362You might like to know that I looked at a detailed map of NT, and I'm 59363now able to confirm that in all probability Microsoft NT does not 59364exist. If it does, it's so small as to be completely insignificant. 59365 -- Greg Lehey 59366% 59367You must dine in our cafeteria. 59368You can eat dirt cheap there!!!! 59369% 59370You must include all income you receive in the form of money, property 59371and services if it is not specifically exempt. Report property (goods) 59372and services at their fair market values. Examples include income from 59373bartering or swapping transactions, side commissions, kickbacks, rent 59374paid in services, illegal activities (such as stealing, drugs, etc.), 59375cash skimming by proprietors and tradesmen, "moonlighting" services, 59376gambling, prizes and awards. Not reporting such income can lead to 59377prosecution for perjury and fraud. 59378 -- Excerpt from Taxachussettes income tax forms 59379% 59380You must know that a man can have only one invulnerable loyalty, loyalty 59381to his own concept of the obligations of manhood. All other loyalties 59382are merely deputies of that one. 59383 -- Nero Wolfe 59384% 59385You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable 59386proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do. 59387% 59388You need more time; and you probably always will. 59389% 59390You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you'll 59391be dead. 59392% 59393You need not worry about your future. 59394% 59395You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a 59396reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating 59397the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for 59398independence. 59399 -- Charles A. Beard 59400% 59401You never gain something but that you lose something. 59402 -- Thoreau 59403% 59404You never get a second chance to make a first impression. 59405% 59406You never go anywhere without your soul. 59407% 59408You never have to change anything you 59409got up in the middle of the night to write. 59410 -- Saul Bellow 59411% 59412You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems. 59413% 59414You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the 59415beach. 59416% 59417You never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough. 59418 -- William Blake 59419% 59420You never learned anything by doing it right. 59421% 59422You notice that after Ginzburg admitted he had tried marijuana everyone 59423got in line to admit it, too. But you also notice they all said they 59424"experimented" with marijuana. The didn't "use" it; they "experimented" 59425with it. Let me tell you something -- Jonas Salk "experiments"; these 59426guys were getting stoned! 59427 -- Johnny Carson 59428% 59429You now have Asian Flu. 59430% 59431You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were 59432you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare 59433yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the 59434company. 59435 -- J. Wellington Wells 59436% 59437You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat. 59438% 59439You plan things that you do not even 59440attempt because of your extreme caution. 59441% 59442You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained. 59443% 59444You prefer the company of the opposite 59445sex, but are well liked by your own. 59446% 59447You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could 59448know how seldom they do. 59449 -- Olin Miller 59450% 59451You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite. 59452% 59453You roll my log, and I will roll yours. 59454 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca 59455% 59456You say potatoe, 59457And I say potato. 59458You say tomatoe, 59459And I say tomato. 59460Potatoe, potato, 59461Tomatoe, tomato. 59462Let's go be the Vice President... 59463% 59464You scratch my tape, and I'll scratch yours. 59465% 59466You see, I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty 59467attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. A fool 59468takes in all the lumber of every sort he comes across, so that the knowledge 59469which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with 59470a lot of other things, so that he has difficulty in laying his hands upon it. 59471Now the skillful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his 59472brain-attic. He will have nothing but the tools which may help him in doing 59473his work, but of these he has a large assortment, and all in the most perfect 59474order. It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and 59475can distend to any extent. Depend upon it there comes a time when for every 59476addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before. It is of 59477the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out 59478the useful ones. 59479 -- Sherlock Holmes 59480% 59481You see things; and you say "Why?" 59482But I dream things that never were; and I say "Why not?" 59483 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Back to Methuselah" 59484 [No, it wasn't John F. Kennedy. Ed.] 59485% 59486You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull 59487his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you 59488understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send 59489signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that 59490there is no cat. 59491 -- Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio 59492% 59493You seek to shield those you love 59494and you like the role of the provider. 59495% 59496You shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed. 59497% 59498You shall judge of a man by his foes as well as by his friends. 59499 -- Joseph Conrad 59500% 59501You should avoid hedging, at least that's what I think. 59502% 59503You should emulate your heroes, but don't carry it too far. Especially 59504if they are dead. 59505% 59506You should go home. 59507% 59508You should make a point of trying every experience once -- except 59509incest and folk-dancing. 59510 -- A. Bax, "Farewell My Youth" 59511% 59512You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than 59513about 10^12 to 1. 59514 -- Ernest Rutherford 59515% 59516You should never ride in an airplane with a sports team, 59517because if the plane goes down, it's you they're gonna eat! 59518 -- Gordon Downie, singer for Tragically Hip 59519% 59520You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for 59521freedom and liberty. 59522 -- Henrik Ibsen 59523% 59524You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that, 59525contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from 59526houses. Really, that's what scientists believe. In fact many 59527scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the 59528summer. If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day, 59529you'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist 59530sitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily. 59531 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" 59532% 59533You should tip the waiter $10, minus $2 if he tells you his name, 59534another $2 if he claims it will be His Pleasure to serve you and 59535another $2 for each "special" he describes involving confusing terms 59536such as "shallots," and $4 if the menu contains the word "fixin's." In 59537many restaurants, this means the waiter will actually owe you money. 59538If you are traveling with a child aged six months to three years, you 59539should leave an additional amount equal to twice the bill to compensate 59540for the fact that they will have to take the banquette out and burn it 59541because the cracks are wedged solid with gobbets made of partially 59542chewed former restaurant rolls saturated with baby spit. 59543 59544In New York, tip the taxicab driver $40 if he does not mention his 59545hemorrhoids. 59546 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" 59547% 59548You should, without hesitation, pound your typewriter into a 59549plowshare, your paper into fertilizer, and enter agriculture. 59550 -- Business Professor, University of Georgia 59551% 59552You shouldn't have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh. 59553 -- Pat Benatar, "Hell is for Children" 59554% 59555You shouldn't wallow in self-pity. But it's OK to put 59556your feet in it and swish them around a little. 59557 -- Guindon 59558% 59559You single-handedly fought your way into this hopeless mess. 59560% 59561You teach best what you most need to learn. 59562% 59563You think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother. 59564% 59565YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF PAPER SHUFFLING! 59566 59567Mr. Smith of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be 59568a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel really 59569important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best." 59570 59571Mr. Watkins had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward 59572to was a dead-end job as an engineer. Now I have a promising future and 59573make really big Zorkmids." 59574 59575MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when 59576you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter. 59577 59578 SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY! 59579% 59580You too can wear a nose mitten. 59581% 59582You tread upon my patience. 59583 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" 59584% 59585You two ought to be more careful-- 59586your love could drag on for years and years. 59587% 59588You want to know why I kept getting promoted? 59589Because my mouth knows more than my brain. 59590 -- W. G. 59591% 59592You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like. 59593% 59594You will always have good luck in your personal affairs. 59595% 59596You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home. 59597% 59598You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old. 59599% 59600You will be advanced socially, 59601without any special effort on your part. 59602% 59603You will be aided greatly by a person 59604whom you thought to be unimportant. 59605% 59606You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of 59607a lion, and the face of Donald Duck. 59608% 59609You will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service. 59610% 59611You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone. 59612% 59613You will be awarded some great honor. 59614% 59615You will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize... posthumously. 59616% 59617You will be called upon to help a friend in trouble. 59618% 59619You will be dead within a year. 59620% 59621You will be divorced within a year. 59622% 59623You will be given a post of trust and responsibility. 59624% 59625You will be held hostage by a radical group. 59626% 59627You will be honored for contributing 59628your time and skill to a worthy cause. 59629% 59630You will be imprisoned for contributing 59631your time and skill to a bank robbery. 59632% 59633You will be married within a year. 59634% 59635You will be married within a year, and divorced within two. 59636% 59637You will be misunderstood by everyone. 59638% 59639You will be recognized and honored as a community leader. 59640% 59641You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier. 59642% 59643You will be run over by a beer truck. 59644% 59645You will be run over by a bus. 59646% 59647You will be singled out for promotion in your work. 59648% 59649You will be successful in love. 59650% 59651You will be surprised by a loud noise. 59652% 59653You will be surrounded by luxury. 59654% 59655You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler. 59656% 59657You will be the victim of a bizarre joke. 59658% 59659You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself. 59660% 59661You will be traveling and coming into a fortune. 59662% 59663You will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery. 59664% 59665You will become rich and famous unless you don't. 59666% 59667You will contract a rare disease. 59668% 59669You will engage in a profitable business activity. 59670% 59671You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass. 59672% 59673You will feel hungry again in another hour. 59674% 59675You will find me drinking gin 59676In the lowest kind of inn, 59677Because I am a rigid Vegetarian. 59678 -- G. K. Chesterton 59679% 59680You will forget that you ever knew me. 59681% 59682You will gain money by a fattening action. 59683% 59684You will gain money by a speculation or lottery. 59685% 59686You will gain money by an illegal action. 59687% 59688You will gain money by an immoral action. 59689% 59690You will get what you deserve. 59691% 59692You will give someone a piece of your mind, which you can ill afford. 59693% 59694You will have a head crash on your private pack. 59695% 59696You will have a long and boring life. 59697% 59698You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your supervisor. 59699% 59700You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends. 59701% 59702You will have good luck and overcome many hardships. 59703% 59704You will have long and healthy life. 59705% 59706You will have many recoverable tape errors. 59707% 59708You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you. 59709% 59710You will inherit millions of dollars. 59711% 59712You will inherit some money or a small piece of land. 59713% 59714You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money. 59715% 59716You will live to see your grandchildren. 59717% 59718You will lose an important disk file. 59719% 59720You will lose an important tape file. 59721% 59722You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door 59723mayonnaise salesman. 59724% 59725You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally. 59726% 59727You will never amount to much. 59728 -- Munich Schoolmaster, to Albert Einstein, age 10 59729% 59730You will never know hunger. 59731% 59732You will not be elected to public office this year. 59733% 59734You will obey or molten silver will be poured into your ears. 59735% 59736You will outgrow your usefulness. 59737% 59738You will overcome the attacks of jealous associates. 59739% 59740You will pass away very quickly. 59741% 59742You will pay for your sins. 59743If you have already paid, please disregard this message. 59744% 59745You will pioneer the first Martian colony. 59746% 59747You will probably marry after a very brief courtship. 59748% 59749You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession. 59750% 59751You will receive a legacy which will place you above want. 59752% 59753You will remember something that you should not have forgotten. 59754% 59755You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the Abernetty family 59756was first brought to my notice by the depth which the parsley had sunk into 59757the butter upon a hot day. 59758 -- Sherlock Holmes 59759% 59760You will soon forget this. 59761% 59762You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life. 59763% 59764You will step on the night soil of many countries. 59765% 59766You will stop at nothing to reach your objective, 59767but only because your brakes are defective. 59768% 59769You will think of something funnier than this to add to the fortunes. 59770% 59771You will triumph over your enemy. 59772% 59773You will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon. 59774% 59775You will win success in whatever calling you adopt. 59776% 59777You will wish you hadn't. 59778% 59779You won't skid if you stay in a rut. 59780 -- Frank Hubbard 59781% 59782You work very hard. Don't try to think as well. 59783% 59784You worry too much about your job. 59785Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry. 59786% 59787"You would do well not to imagine profundity," he said. "Anything that seems 59788of momentous occasion should be dwelt upon as though it were of slight note. 59789Conversely, trivialities must be attended to with the greatest of care. 59790Because death is momentous, give it no thought; because victory is important, 59791give it no thought; because the method of achievement and discovery is less 59792momentous than the effect, dwell always upon the method. You will strengthen 59793yourself in this way." 59794 -- Jessica Salmonson, "The Swordswoman" 59795% 59796You would if you could but you can't so you won't. 59797% 59798You'd best be snoozin', 'cause you don't 59799be gettin' no work done at 5 a.m. anyway. 59800 -- From the wall of the Wurster Hall stairwell 59801% 59802You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a 59803taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a 59804minute and a huff. 59805 -- Groucho Marx 59806% 59807You'd better smile when they watch you, smile like you're in control. 59808 -- Smile, "Was (Not Was)" 59809% 59810You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow. 59811% 59812You'll always be, 59813What you always were, 59814Which has nothing to do with, 59815All to do, with her. 59816 -- Company 59817% 59818You'll be called to a post requiring 59819ability in handling groups of people. 59820% 59821You'll be sorry... 59822% 59823You'll feel devilish tonight. 59824Toss dynamite caps under a flamenco dancer's heel. 59825% 59826You'll feel much better once you've given up hope. 59827% 59828You'll never be the man your mother was! 59829% 59830You'll never see all the places, or read all the 59831books, but fortunately, they're not all recommended. 59832% 59833You'll wish that you had done some of the 59834hard things when they were easier to do. 59835% 59836Young men are fitter to invent than to judge; fitter for execution than for 59837counsel; and fitter for new projects than for settled business. For the 59838experience of age, in things that fall within the compass of it, directeth 59839them; but in new things, abuseth them. The errors of young men are the ruin 59840of business; but the errors of aged men amount but to this, that more might 59841have been done, or sooner. Young men, in the conduct and management of 59842actions, embrace more than they can hold; stir more than they can quiet; fly 59843to the end, without consideration of the means and degrees; pursue some few 59844principles which they have chanced upon absurdly; care not how they innovate, 59845which draws unknown inconveniences; and, that which doubleth all errors, will 59846not acknowledge or retract them; like an unready horse, that will neither stop 59847nor turn. Men of age object too much, consult too long, adventure too little, 59848repent too soon, and seldom drive business home to the full period, but 59849content themselves with a mediocrity of success. Certainly, it is good to 59850compound employments of both ... because the virtues of either age may correct 59851the defects of both. 59852 -- Francis Bacon, "Essay on Youth and Age" 59853% 59854Young men, hear an old man to whom 59855old men hearkened when he was young. 59856 -- Augustus Caesar 59857% 59858Young men think old men are fools; 59859but old men know young men are fools. 59860 -- George Chapman 59861% 59862Your aim is high and to the right. 59863% 59864Your aims are high, and you are capable of much. 59865% 59866Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a 59867thing he tells you. 59868% 59869Your best consolation is the hope that the things 59870you failed to get weren't really worth having. 59871% 59872Your boss climbed the corporate ladder, wrong by wrong. 59873% 59874Your boss is a few sandwiches short of a picnic. 59875% 59876Your boyfriend takes chocolate from strangers. 59877% 59878Your business will assume vast proportions. 59879% 59880Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion. 59881% 59882Your code should be more efficient! 59883% 59884Your computer account is overdrawn. Please reauthorize. 59885% 59886Your computer account is overdrawn. Please see Big Brother. 59887% 59888Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you 59889from enjoying it. 59890% 59891Your Co-worker Could Be a Space Alien, Say Experts 59892 ...Here's How You Can Tell 59893Many Americans work side by side with space aliens who look human -- but you 59894can spot these visitors by looking for certain tip-offs, say experts. They 59895listed 10 signs to watch for: 59896 #3. Bizarre sense of humor. Space aliens who don't understand 59897 earthly humor may laugh during a company training film or tell 59898 jokes that no one understands, said Steiger. 59899 #6. Misuses everyday items. "A space alien may use correction 59900 fluid to paint its nails," said Steiger. 59901 #8. Secretive about personal life-style and home. "An alien won't 59902 discuss details or talk about what it does at night or on weekends." 59903 #10. Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near certain 59904 high-tech hardware. "An alien may experience a mood change when 59905 a microwave oven is turned on," said Steiger. 59906The experts pointed out that a co-worker would have to display most if not 59907all of these traits before you can positively identify him as a space alien. 59908 -- National Enquirer, Michael Cassels, August, 1984 59909 59910 [I thought everybody laughed at company training films. Ed.] 59911% 59912Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways. 59913% 59914Your digestive system is your body's Fun House, whereby food goes on a long, 59915dark, scary ride, taking all kinds of unexpected twists and turns, being 59916attacked by vicious secretions along the way, and not knowing until the last 59917minute whether it will be turned into a useful body part or ejected into the 59918Dark Hole by Mister Sphincter. We Americans live in a nation where the 59919medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 5992025 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in 59921seconds if we felt like it. 59922 -- Dave Barry, "Stay Fit & Healthy Until You're Dead" 59923% 59924Your domestic life may be harmonious. 59925% 59926Your education begins where what is called your education is over. 59927% 59928Your fault: core dumped 59929% 59930Your files are now being encrypted and thrown into the bit bucket. 59931EOF 59932% 59933Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now). 59934% 59935YOUR FOAMY FUTURE 59936 by Miss Fortune 59937 59938AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) 59939 You have nothing better to think about than what to wear and what 59940type of champagne to take to the neighbors Halloween Party. Just take beer! 59941Don't try to copy the "Joneses", pull them up to your level and remember, in 59942California Halloween is redundant anyhow. 59943 59944PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20) 59945 Focus on strengthening friendships this Fall. You find others are 59946fascinated by your intelligence, your wit, your drinking ability, and your 59947bank account. Just make sure you realize it's far more impressive when 59948other discover your good qualities without your help. 59949% 59950YOUR FOAMY FUTURE 59951 by Miss Fortune 59952 59953ARIES (March 21 - April 19) 59954 Matters are not good, where your health is concerned. This Fall, be 59955sure to "walk groundly, talk profoundly, drink roundly, and sleep soundly" 59956and you will live all the days of your life. 59957 59958TAURUS (April 20 - May 20) 59959 You spent a fortune on beer this past summer and now find yourself 59960in a deep depression because you can't afford even one of your favorite 59961brewskis. Don't fret too much, Taurus. To get back on your feet simply 59962miss two car payments. 59963 59964GEMINI (May 21 - June 21) 59965 You think you're falling in love with a person who has a lot in 59966common with yourself. You both prefer ales, you've both tried your hand 59967at homebrewing, and you both want to visit every new brewpub that opens. 59968Sounds impressive but remember you really don't know your partner until 59969you meet in court. 59970% 59971YOUR FOAMY FUTURE 59972 by Miss Fortune 59973 59974CANCER (Jun 22 - July 22) 59975 You've been awarded a clean bill of health this month and you feel 59976you owe it all to the excessive amount of Vitamin B, Iron, and Malt you get 59977in your beer. Being healthy is admirable but don't you think you're going 59978to feel stupid one day lying in a hospital dying of nothing? 59979 59980LEO (July 23 - August 22) 59981 You will soon acquire a large sum of money and will be in seventh 59982heaven as you head to the nearest Liquor Barn and buy all the beer they have 59983in stock. Whoever said money couldn't buy happiness didn't know where to 59984shop. 59985 59986VIRGO (August 23 - September 22) 59987 Your late night, beer drinking, "life in the fast lane" parties are 59988affecting your job production the next morning. You feel a nine to five job 59989is not for a "party animal" such as yourself and may feel the need for a 59990career change. Just remember, people who work sitting down get paid more 59991than people who work standing up. 59992% 59993Your friends will know you better in the first minute you 59994meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years. 59995 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions" 59996% 59997Your goose is cooked. 59998(Your current chick is burned up too!) 59999% 60000Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life. 60001% 60002Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout. 60003% 60004Your ignorance cramps my conversation. 60005% 60006Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret. 60007% 60008Your love life will be happy and harmonious. 60009% 60010Your love life will be... interesting. 60011% 60012Your lover will never wish to leave you. 60013% 60014Your lucky color has faded. 60015% 60016Your lucky number has been disconnected. 60017% 60018Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. 60019Watch for it everywhere. 60020% 60021Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not 60022original and the part that is original is not good. 60023 -- Samuel Johnson 60024% 60025Your mind is the part of you that says, 60026 "Why'n'tcha eat that piece of cake?" 60027... and then, twenty minutes later, says, 60028 "Y'know, if I were you, I wouldn't have done that!" 60029 -- Steven and Ondrea Levine 60030% 60031Your mind understands what you have been 60032taught; your heart, what is true. 60033% 60034Your mode of life will be changed for 60035the better because of good news soon. 60036% 60037Your mode of life will be changed for 60038the better because of new developments. 60039% 60040Your mode of life will be changed to ASCII. 60041% 60042Your mode of life will be changed to EBCDIC. 60043% 60044Your mothers ghost stands at your shoulder 60045Face like ice, a little bit colder 60046She says "You can't do that it breaks all the rules 60047You learned in school" 60048But I don't really see 60049Why can't we go on as three? 60050 -- David Crosby, "Triad" 60051% 60052Your motives for doing whatever good deed you 60053may have in mind will be misinterpreted by somebody. 60054% 60055Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it. 60056% 60057Your object is to save the world, 60058while still leading a pleasant life. 60059% 60060Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself. Being 60061true to anyone else or anything else is not only impossible, but the 60062mark of a fake messiah. The simplest questions are the most profound. 60063Where were you born? Where is your home? Where are you going? What 60064are you doing? Think about these once in awhile and watch your answers 60065change. 60066 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul 60067% 60068Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world. 60069% 60070Your password is pitifully obvious. 60071% 60072Your picture of the world often changes just before you get it into focus. 60073% 60074Your present plans will be successful. 60075% 60076Your program is sick! Shoot it and put it out of its memory. 60077% 60078Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner. 60079% 60080Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine. You 60081need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or major motion 60082picture star. If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use 60083the word "collectible" as a noun, you can consider yourself an unqualified 60084success. 60085 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 60086% 60087Your sister swims out to meet troop ships. 60088% 60089Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinement. 60090% 60091Your step will soil many countries. 60092% 60093Your supervisor is thinking about you. 60094% 60095Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded. 60096% 60097Your temporary financial embarrassment will 60098be relieved in a surprising manner. 60099% 60100Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with. 60101% 60102Your wig steers the gig. 60103 -- Lord Buckley 60104% 60105Your wise men don't know how it feels 60106To be thick as a brick. 60107 -- Jethro Tull, "Thick As A Brick" 60108% 60109Your worship is your furnaces 60110which, like old idols, lost obscenes, 60111have molten bowels; your vision is 60112machines for making more machines. 60113 -- Gordon Bottomley, 1874 60114% 60115You're a card which will have to be dealt with. 60116% 60117You're a good example of why some animals eat their young. 60118 -- Jim Samuels to a heckler 60119 60120Ah, yes. I remember my first beer. 60121 -- Steve Martin to a heckler 60122 60123When your IQ rises to 28, sell. 60124 -- Professor Irwin Corey to a heckler 60125% 60126You're all clear now, kid. 60127Now blow this thing so we can all go home. 60128 -- Han Solo 60129% 60130You're almost as happy as you think you are. 60131% 60132You're already carrying the sphere! 60133% 60134You're always thinking you're gonna be 60135the one that makes 'em act different. 60136 -- Woody Allen, "Manhattan" 60137% 60138You're at the end of the road again. 60139% 60140You're at Witt's End. 60141% 60142You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days. 60143% 60144You're currently going through a difficult transition period called "Life." 60145% 60146You're definitely on their list. 60147The question to ask next is what list it is. 60148% 60149You're either part of the solution or part of the problem. 60150 -- Eldridge Cleaver 60151% 60152You're growing out of some of your problems, 60153but there are others that you're growing into. 60154% 60155You're just the sort of person I imagined marrying, when I was little... 60156except, y'know, not green... and without all the patches of fungus. 60157 -- Swamp Thing 60158% 60159You're never too old to become younger. 60160 -- Mae West 60161% 60162You're not Dave. Who are you? 60163% 60164You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. 60165 -- Dean Martin 60166% 60167You're not my type. For that matter, you're not even my species!!! 60168% 60169You're reasoning is excellent -- it's 60170only your basic assumptions that are wrong. 60171% 60172You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny. 60173% 60174You're using a keyboard! How quaint! 60175% 60176You're working under a slight handicap. 60177You happen to be human. 60178% 60179Yours is not to reason why, 60180Just to Sail Away. 60181And when you find you have to throw 60182Your Legacy away; 60183Remember life as was it is, 60184And is as it were; 60185Chasing sounds across the galaxy 60186'Till silence is but a blur. 60187 -- QYX. 60188% 60189Youth. It's a wonder that anyone ever outgrows it. 60190% 60191Youth -- not a time of life but a state of mind... a predominance of 60192courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over the love of ease. 60193 -- Robert F. Kennedy 60194% 60195Youth had been a habit of hers so long that she could not part with it. 60196% 60197Youth is a blunder, manhood a struggle, old age a regret. 60198 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Coningsby" 60199% 60200Youth is a disease from which we all recover. 60201 -- Dorothy Fuldheim 60202% 60203Youth is such a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children. 60204 -- George Bernard Shaw 60205% 60206Youth is the trustee of posterity. 60207% 60208Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is 60209when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation. 60210% 60211You've always made the mistake of being yourself. 60212 -- Eugene Ionesco 60213% 60214You've been Berkeley'ed! 60215% 60216You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture. 60217% 60218You've been telling me to relax all the way here, 60219and now you're telling me just to be myself? 60220 -- The Return of the Secaucus Seven 60221% 60222You've decked the halls with a dozen miles' length of electric lights. 60223Your front lawn is a gleaming testament of incandescent wonder. The neighbors 60224wear sunglasses 24/7, and orbiting satellites have officially picked up 60225and pinpointed your house as the brightest spot on earth. 60226 60227You've finally put together the Christmas wonderland of your dreams... now 60228if only you could get a good picture of it. 60229 60230Photographing holiday lights is no easy task. 60231 -- from an email sent by photojojo.com 60232% 60233You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks. 60234 -- Gary Giddens 60235% 60236You've got to pity New Mexico... so far from heaven and so close to Texas. 60237% 60238You've got to think about tomorrow! 60239 60240TOMORROW! I haven't even prepared for *_________yesterday* yet! 60241% 60242YO-YO: 60243 Something that is occasionally up but normally down. 60244 (see also Computer). 60245% 60246Zall's Laws: 60247 1: Any time you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing you do 60248 will be wrong. 60249 2: How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom 60250 door you're on. 60251% 60252Zeal, n.: 60253 Quality seen in new graduates -- if you're quick. 60254% 60255Zero Defects, n.: 60256 The result of shutting down a production line. 60257% 60258Zero Mostel: That's it baby! When you got it, flaunt it! Flaunt it! 60259 -- Mel Brooks, "The Producers" 60260% 60261Zeus gave Leda the bird. 60262% 60263Zisla's Law: 60264 If you're asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants. 60265% 60266Zounds! I was never so bethump'd with words 60267since I first call'd my brother's father dad. 60268 -- William Shakespeare, "King John" 60269% 60270Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor: 60271 People are always available for work in the past tense. 60272% 60273