1This fortune brought to you by: 2$FreeBSD: src/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes,v 1.34.2.12 2002/10/19 05:10:08 fanf Exp $ 3$DragonFly: src/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes,v 1.3 2005/08/09 22:55:04 corecode Exp $ 4% 5 -- Gifts for Children -- 6 7This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children, 8because they will tell you exactly what they want. They spend months 9and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday- 10morning cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children 11exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If 12your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You 13Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it. You may be worried that it 14might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe 15me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child 16who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift. 17 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 18% 19 -- Gifts for Men -- 20 21Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional 22ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you 23should never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the 24clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For 25example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only 26three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error, 27that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh 28at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?"). 29So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several 30years without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will 31pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you. 32 33If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More 34than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set 35of tires. 36 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 37% 38 *** NEWSFLASH *** 39Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!! Details at eleven! 40% 41 ACHTUNG!!! 42 43Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy 44schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit 45spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das 46rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und 47vatch das blinkenlights!!! 48% 49 Chapter 1 50 51The story so far: 52 53 In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot 54of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. 55 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe" 56% 57 DELETE A FORTUNE! 58 59Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?! Wouldn't you like 60to see some of them deleted from the system? You can! Just mail to 61"fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it 62gets expunged. 63% 64 Get GUMMed 65 --- ------ 66The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April 671, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above 68the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep 69each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered 70chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek 71nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od. Three 72days will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo. Two 73seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user- 74friendly features of Unix. Seminars include "Everything You Know is 75Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis 76"cc C? Si! Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You 77Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats. No Reader Service No. is necessary because 78all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we 79could tell them. 80 -- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June '84 81% 82 Pittsburgh Driver's Test 83 84(7) The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light 85 but a steady left tail light. This means 86 87 (a) one of the tail lights is broken; you should blow your horn 88 to call the problem to the driver's attention. 89 (b) the driver is signaling a right turn. 90 (c) the driver is signaling a left turn. 91 (d) the driver is from out of town. 92 93The correct answer is (d). Tail lights are used in some foreign 94countries to signal turns. 95% 96 Pittsburgh Driver's Test 97 98(8) Pedestrians are 99 100 (a) irrelevant. 101 (b) communists. 102 (c) a nuisance. 103 (d) difficult to clean off the front grille. 104 105The correct answer is (a). Pedestrians are not in cars, so they are 106totally irrelevant to driving; you should ignore them completely. 107% 108 Has your family tried 'em? 109 110 POWDERMILK BISCUITS 111 112 Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious! 113 114 They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons the 115 strength to get up and do what needs to be done. 116 117 POWDERMILK BISCUITS 118 119 Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of the 120 biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark stains 121 that indicate freshness. 122% 123 THE STORY OF CREATION 124 or 125 THE MYTH OF URK 126 127In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null, 128and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM 129was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there be 130registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they carried; 131and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called the data 132Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was evening 133and there was morning, one interrupt ... 134 -- Rico Tudor 135% 136 JACK AND THE BEANSTACK 137 by Mark Isaak 138 139 Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL 140character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their 141hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices 142are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some 143BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it 144to him. 145 So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path, 146he met the traveling salesman. 147 "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman 148in high-level language. 149 "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips 150and Apples," commented Jack. 151 "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue 152there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now." 153 Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when 154he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she 155started thrashing. 156 "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these 157kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the 158window ... 159% 160 A Severe Strain on the Credulity 161 162As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the highest 163parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket 164is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one 165considers the multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one 166begins to doubt ... for after the rocket quits our air and really 167starts on its journey, its flight would be neither accelerated nor 168maintained by the explosion of the charges it then might have left. 169Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in Clark College and countenancing 170of the Smithsonian Institution, does not know the relation of action to 171re-action, and of the need to have something better than a vacuum 172against which to react ... Of course he only seems to lack the 173knowledge ladled out daily in high schools. 174 -- New York Times Editorial, 1920 175% 176 AMAZING BUT TRUE ... 177 178If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end 179across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful. 180% 181 AMAZING BUT TRUE ... 182 183There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it 184would completely cover the Sahara Desert. 185% 186 Another Glitch in the Call 187 ------- ------ -- --- ---- 188 (Sung to the tune of a recent Pink Floyd song.) 189 190We don't need no indirection 191We don't need no flow control 192No data typing or declarations 193Did you leave the lists alone? 194 195 Hey! Hacker! Leave those lists alone! 196 197Chorus: 198 All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call. 199 All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call. 200% 201 Answers to Last Fortune's Questions: 202 203(1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark). 204(2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle. 205(3) I don't know. 206(4) Who cares? 207(5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk, 208 Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5. 209(6) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my 210 book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and 211 bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of 212 Papyrus Books). 213% 214 DETERIORATA 215 216Go placidly amid the noise and waste, 217And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof. 218Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep. 219Rotate your tires. 220Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself, 221And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys. 222Know what to kiss -- and when. 223Remember that two wrongs never make a right, 224But that three do. 225Wherever possible, put people on "HOLD". 226Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment, 227And despite the changing fortunes of time, 228There is always a big future in computer maintenance. 229 230 You are a fluke of the universe ... 231 You have no right to be here. 232 Whether you can hear it or not, the universe 233 Is laughing behind your back. 234 -- National Lampoon 235% 236 Double Bucky 237 (Sung to the tune of "Rubber Duckie") 238 239Double bucky, you're the one! 240You make my keyboard lots of fun 241 Double bucky, an additional bit or two: 242(Vo-vo-de-o!) 243Control and Meta side by side, 244Augmented ASCII, nine bits wide! 245 Double bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few! 246 247Double bucky, left and right 248OR'd together, outta sight! 249 Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of 250 Double bucky, I'm happy I heard of 251 Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of you! 252 253 -- (C) 1978 by Guy L. Steele, Jr. 254% 255 Gimmie That Old Time Religion 256We will follow Zarathustra, We will worship like the Druids, 257Zarathustra like we use to, Dancing naked in the woods, 258I'm a Zarathustra booster, Drinking strange fermented fluids, 259And he's good enough for me! And it's good enough for me! 260 (chorus) (chorus) 261 262In the church of Aphrodite, 263The priestess wears a see-through nightie, 264She's a mighty righteous sightie, 265And she's good enough for me! 266 (chorus) 267 268CHORUS: Give me that old time religion, 269 Give me that old time religion, 270 Give me that old time religion, 271 'Cause it's good enough for me! 272% 273 MORE SPORTS RESULTS: 274The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last 275Saturday night. The match started with a long period of silence while 276the Freudians waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the 277Rogerians waited for the Freudians to say something they could 278paraphrase. The stalemate was broken when the Freudians' best player 279took the offensive and interpreted the Rogerians' silence as reflecting 280their anal-retentive personalities. At this the Rogerians' star player 281said "I hear you saying you think we're full of ka-ka." This started a 282fight and the match was called by officials. 283% 284 OUTCONERR 285Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes 286 Did logzerneg the ifthen block 287All kludgy were the function flows 288 And subroutines adhoc. 289 290Beware the runtime-bug my friend 291 squrooneg, the false goto 292Beware the infiniteloop 293 And shun the inprectoo. 294% 295 Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence 296 Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead. 297 298(1) Little things start bothering you: little things like worms, bugs, 299 ants. 300(2) Something is missing in your personal relationships. 301(3) Your dog becomes overly affectionate. 302(4) You have a hard time getting a waiter. 303(5) Exotic birds flock around you. 304(6) People ignore you at parties. 305(7) You have a hard time getting up in the morning. 306(8) You no longer get off on cocaine. 307% 308 Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence 309(1) Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear 310 bomb; use the stairs. 311(2) When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit 312 the ground. 313(3) If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials. 314(4) Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead to 315 psychological problems. 316(5) Food will be scarce; you will have to scavenge. Learn to 317 recognize foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed 318 potatoes, shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc. 319(6) Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs 320 will be scarce in the post-nuclear age. 321(7) Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles. 322(8) Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas; people could be 323 staggering illegally. 324(9) Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but more 325 sanitary due to limited circulation. 326(10) Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on 327 D-Day. 328% 329 The STAR WARS Song 330 Sung to the tune of "Lola", by the Kinks: 331 332I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah 333Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda 334 S-O-D-A soda 335I saw the little runt sitting there on a log 336I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda 337 Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda 338 339Well I've been around but I ain't never seen 340A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green 341 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda 342Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand 343How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand 344 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda 345% 346 The Three Major Kind of Tools 347 348* Tools for hitting things to make them loose or to tighten them up or 349 jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a 350 manner that they function perfectly. (These are your hammers, maces, 351 bludgeons, and truncheons.) 352 353* Tools that, if dropped properly, can penetrate your foot. (Awls) 354 355* Tools that nobody should ever use because the potential danger is far 356 greater than the value of any project that could possibly result. 357 (Power saws, power drills, power staplers, any kind of tool that uses 358 any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.) 359 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 360% 361 (to "The Caissons Go Rolling Along") 362Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug 363Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug 364And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. 365Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all, 366Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall 367And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. 368And we've also found Just flip one switch 369When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch 370You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble 371 in a flash. 372Oh, it's so much fun, When the CPU 373Now the CPU won't run Can print nothing out but "foo," 374And the system is going to crash. The system is going to crash. 375% 376 'Twas the Night before Crisis 377 378'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house, 379 Not a program was working not even a browse. 380The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care, 381 Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer. 382The users were nestled all snug in their beds, 383 While visions of inquiries danced in their heads. 384When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter, 385 I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter. 386And what to my wondering eyes should appear, 387 But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear. 388More rapid than eagles, his programs they came, 389 And he whistled and shouted and called them by name; 390On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete! 391 On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete! 392His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean, 393 From Weekends and nights in front of a screen. 394A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head, 395 Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread... 396% 397 William Safire's Rules for Writers: 398 399Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never 400be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs have to 401agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words 402out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal 403of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must 404not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a 405conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a 406sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as 407close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more 408words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles 409must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a 410linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing 411metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should 412be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their 413writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows 414the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek 415viable alternatives. 416% 417 A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling 418 by Mark Twain 419 420 For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped 421to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer 422be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained 423would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 424might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the 425same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with 426"i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all. 427 Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear 428with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 429or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. 430Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi 431ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz 432ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli. 433 Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud 434hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld. 435% 436 437 *** System shutdown message from root *** 438 439System going down in 60 seconds 440 441 442% 443 "... The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!" 444 "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to 445feel interested. 446 "No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little 447vexed. "That's what the name is called. The name really is, 'The Aged 448Aged Man.'" 449 "Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?" 450Alice corrected herself. 451 "No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is 452called 'Ways and Means': but that's only what it is called you know!" 453 "Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this time 454completely bewildered. 455 "I was coming to that," the Knight said. "The song really is 456"A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention." 457 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" 458% 459 A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was 460eating his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality 461test", said the outsider, "because I want you to be happy." 462 Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into 463the toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too". 464% 465 A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing 466about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their 467arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon 468the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because 469Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply 470incredible surgical feat." 471 The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the 472Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of 473that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an 474architect." 475 The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said, 476"Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?" 477% 478 A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The 479first thing he notices is that the arms are too long. 480 "No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow 481and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine." 482 "But the collar is up around my ears!" 483 "It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a 484little more ... that's it." 485 "But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation. 486 "Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you 487go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly." 488 So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the 489street. Reba and Florence see him go by. 490 "Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!" 491 "Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit." 492 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 493% 494 A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his 495novices. "The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how 496insignificant," said the master. 497 498 "Is Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice. 499 500 "It is," came the reply. 501 502 "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice. 503 504 "It is even in a video game," said the master. 505 506 "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?" 507 508 The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The 509lesson is over for today," he said. 510 -- "The Tao of Programming" 511% 512 A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at 513the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the 514pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite 515nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if ..." 516 "If what?" asked the composer. 517 "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?" 518% 519 A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which 520removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to 521doing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous 522amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware 523limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the 524larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient 525power-down sequence. 526 An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the 527building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has 528bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer 529cool. 530% 531 A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came 532upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. 533"That's what I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow 534man". 535 As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, 536he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing." 537% 538 After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from 539Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, 540and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon 541to be created." 542 "This is true," He replied. 543 "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly. 544 "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the 545right to make his laws?" 546 "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to 547make his own." 548 It was so granted. 549 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 550% 551 An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He 552knows he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with 553great restraint. 554 As he designs the first work, frill after frill and 555embellishment after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away 556to be used "next time". Sooner or later the first system is finished, 557and the architect, with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of 558that class of systems, is ready to build a second system. 559 This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs. 560When he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will 561confirm each other as to the general characteristics of such systems, 562and their differences will identify those parts of his experience that 563are particular and not generalizable. 564 The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using 565all the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first 566one. The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile". 567 -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month" 568% 569 An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity 570in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him. 571 "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if 572you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like 573an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an 574hour seems like a minute." 575 The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a 576moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?" 577 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 578% 579 "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?" 580asked the father of his little son. 581 "Diet." 582% 583 Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and 584took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his 585followers. 586 One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and 587there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing. 588 "Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his 589commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your 590Purpose in Life, anyway?" 591 Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The 592Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.) 593 Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened. 594 Primarily because nobody understood Chinese. 595 -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters" 596% 597 COMMENT 598 599Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song, 600A medley of extemporanea; 601And love is thing that can never go wrong; 602And I am Marie of Roumania. 603 -- Dorothy Parker 604% 605 Deck Us All With Boston Charlie 606 607Deck us all with Boston Charlie, 608Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo! 609Nora's freezin' on the trolley, 610Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo! 611 612Don't we know archaic barrel, 613Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou. 614Trolley Molly don't love Harold, 615Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo! 616 -- Walt Kelly 617% 618 During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen 619were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a 620red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, 621"Hey, you almost hit my wife." 622 "Did I?" cried the hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a 623shot at mine, over there." 624% 625 Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles, 626called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you 627have been drinking. Electrons travel at the speed of light, which in 628most American homes is 110 volts per hour. This is very fast. In the 629time it has taken you to read this sentence so far, an electron could 630have traveled all the way from San Francisco to Hackensack, New Jersey, 631although God alone knows why it would want to. 632 The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current, 633direct current, lightning, static, and European. Most American homes 634have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one 635direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents 636harmful electron buildup in the wires. 637 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 638% 639 Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping 640mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as 641"Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you 642how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence", 643"Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night 644So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc. 645 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 646% 647 Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each 648other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around 649the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors 650d'oeuvres. 651 Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes 652to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your 653Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright 654piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres. 655 Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with 656inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down 657other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and 658placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when 659the little hammers strike. 660 Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over 661their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning 662Christmas tree. The piano is missing. 663 664 You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless 665you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level 6664. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog. 667% 668 FIGHTING WORDS 669 670Say my love is easy had, 671 Say I'm bitten raw with pride, 672Say I am too often sad -- 673 Still behold me at your side. 674 675Say I'm neither brave nor young, 676 Say I woo and coddle care, 677Say the devil touched my tongue -- 678 Still you have my heart to wear. 679 680But say my verses do not scan, 681 And I get me another man! 682 -- Dorothy Parker 683% 684 "For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence 685of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind." 686 687 "Whose?" 688 689 "MINE! HA-HA!" 690% 691 "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at More Science High has an 692extracurricular activity except you." 693 "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?" 694 "Only to ten, Mudhead." 695 696 -- Firesign Theater 697% 698 GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY #21 -- July 30, 1917 699 700On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then- 701Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought them 702off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought I 703wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from his 704mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a 705tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men 706stood lookout. 707% 708 Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the 709month. According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people 710are experiencing severe marketing anxiety in China. 711 The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either 712(depending on the inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax 713tadpole". 714 Bite the wax tadpole. 715 There is a sort of rough justice, is there not? 716 The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's 717hard to get a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to 718bite a wax tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, 719but broad satiric vistas do not open up. 720 -- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle 721% 722 Home centers are designed for the do-it-yourselfer who's 723willing to pay higher prices for the convenience of being able to shop 724for lumber, hardware, and toasters all in one location. Notice I say 725"shop for", as opposed to "obtain". This is the major drawback of home 726centers: they are always out of everything except artificial Christmas 727trees. The home center employees have no time to reorder merchandise 728because they are too busy applying little price stickers to every 729object -- every board, washer, nail and screw -- in the entire store ... 730 Let's say a piece in your toilet tank breaks, so you remove the 731broken part, take it to the home center, and ask an employee if he has 732a replacement. The employee, who has never is his life even seen the 733inside of a toilet tank, will peer at the broken part in very much the 734same way that a member of a primitive Amazon jungle tribe would look at 735an electronic calculator, and then say, "We're expecting a shipment of 736these sometime around the middle of next week". 737 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 738% 739 How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are 7403.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand, 741who could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a 742nanocentury. 743 -- Tom Duff, Bell Labs 744% 745 Hug O' War 746 747I will not play at tug o' war. 748I'd rather play at hug o' war, 749Where everyone hugs 750Instead of tugs, 751Where everyone giggles 752And rolls on the rug, 753Where everyone kisses, 754And everyone grins, 755And everyone cuddles, 756And everyone wins. 757 -- Shel Silverstein 758% 759 Human thinking can skip over a great deal, leap over small 760misunderstandings, can contain ifs and buts in untroubled corners of 761the mind. But the machine has no corners. Despite all the attempts to 762see the computer as a brain, the machine has no foreground or 763background. It can be programmed to behave as if it were working with 764uncertainty, but -- underneath, at the code, at the circuits -- it 765cannot simultaneously do something and withhold for later something that 766remains unknown. In the painstaking working out of the specification, 767line by code line, the programmer confronts an awful, inevitable truth: 768The ways of human and machine understanding are disjunct. 769 -- Ellen Ullman, "Close to the Machine" 770% 771 "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frito Bugger in a 772quavering voice. 773 "No," said GoodGulf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of 774course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which 775I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in 776Elven-lore: 777 778 "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves, 779 Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves. 780 Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop, 781 This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop. 782 The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring. 783 The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing. 784 If broken or busted, it cannot be remade. 785 If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)." 786 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 787% 788 I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because 789we use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently 790leads to violence. What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say, 791in traffic, is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had 792time to think of witty and learned insults or look them up in the 793library, we could call each other up: 794 795 You: Hello? Bob? 796 Bob: Yes? 797 You: This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space you 798 took last Thursday? Outside of Sears? 799 Bob: Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed? 800 You: Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is: 801 "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..." No, wait. 802 I mean: "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill 803 and ..." No, wait. (Sound of reference book thudding onto 804 the floor.) S-word. Excuse me. Look, Bob, I'm going to 805 have to get back to you. 806 Bob: Fine. 807 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" 808% 809 "I don't know what you mean by `glory,'" Alice said 810 Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't -- 811till I tell you. I meant `there's a nice knock-down argument for 812you!'" 813 "But glory doesn't mean `a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice 814objected. 815 "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful 816tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor 817less." 818 "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean 819so many different things." 820 "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master-- 821that's all." 822 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" 823% 824 "I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of 825that is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put 826more simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it 827might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not 828otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be 829otherwise.'" 830 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland" 831% 832 If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs 833around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace 834explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The 835"professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on the sides and 836deposits a large quantity of tools and two assistants who spend the 837better part of the week in your basement whacking objects at random 838with heavy wrenches, after which the "professional" returns and gives 839you a bill for slightly more money than it would cost you to run a 840successful campaign for the U.S. Senate. 841 And that's why you've decided to start doing things yourself. 842You figure, "If those guys can fix my furnace, then so can I. How 843difficult can it be?" 844 Very difficult. In fact, most home projects are impossible, 845which is why you should do them yourself. There is no point in paying 846other people to screw things up when you can easily screw them up 847yourself for far less money. This article can help you. 848 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 849% 850 In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi, 851junior, what are you up to?" 852 "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the 853rabbit. 854 "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!" 855 "Well, follow me and I'll show you." They both go into the 856rabbit's dwelling and after a while the rabbit emerges with a satisfied 857expression on his face. 858 Comes along a wolf. "Hello, what are we doing these days?" 859 "I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits 860devour wolves." 861 "Are you crazy? Where is your academic honesty?" 862 "Come with me and I'll show you." As before, the rabbit comes 863out with a satisfied look on his face and a diploma in his paw. 864Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave and, as everybody 865should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge lion sitting 866next to some bloody and furry remnants of the wolf and the fox. 867 868The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are important -- 869it's your PhD advisor that really counts. 870% 871 INVENTORY 872Four be the things I am wiser to know: 873Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe. 874 875Four be the things I'd been better without: 876Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt. 877 878Three be the things I shall never attain: 879Envy, content, and sufficient champagne. 880 881Three be the things I shall have till I die: 882Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye. 883% 884 It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east 885laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The 886thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, 887nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying 888for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's. 889 Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating 890under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting 891icepacks. 892 -- The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 893% 894 Love's Drug 895 896My love is like an iron wand 897 That conks me on the head, 898My love is like the valium 899 That I take before my bed, 900My love is like the pint of scotch 901 That I drink when I be dry; 902And I shall love thee still, my dear, 903 Until my wife is wise. 904% 905 Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring 906Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping 907pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret 908military installation. In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and 909Esther and hustle them off to prison. 910 They can't prove who they are because they've left their 911passports in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day 912and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation 913movement.. Finally they're hauled in front of a military court, 914charged with espionage, and sentenced to death. 915 The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where 916they'll be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them 917if they have any last requests. Esther wants to know if she can call 918her daughter in Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not 919possible, and turns to Murray. 920 "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he 921spits in the sergeants face. 922 "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble." 923 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 924% 925 No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider 926the furniture! 927 -- Sherlock Holmes 928% 929 Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home 930tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question. 931 Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell 932plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where 933they have a food section specializing in cardboard cartons full of 934Raisinets and malted milk balls manufactured during the Nixon 935administration. In either the hardware or housewares department, 936you'll find an item imported from an obscure Oriental country and 937described as "Nine Tools in One", consisting of a little handle with 938interchangeable ends representing inscrutable Oriental notions of tools 939that Americans might use around the home. Buy it. 940 This is the kind of tool set professionals use. Not only is it 941inexpensive, but it also has a great safety feature not found in the 942so-called quality tools sets: The handle will actually break right off 943if you accidentally hit yourself or anything else, or expose it to 944direct sunlight. 945 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 946% 947 On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in 948receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's 949income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than 950$283 on the desk before the cashier. 951 "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That 952route never brought in money like this! What happened?" 953 "Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured 954business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and 955worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!" 956% 957 Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a 958great crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to 959the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of 960life, and resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But 961one creature said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is 962going. I shall let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I 963shall die of boredom." 964 The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that 965current you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the 966rocks, and you will die quicker than boredom!" 967 But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, 968and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. 969Yet, in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current 970lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more. 971 And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, 972"See a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the 973Messiah, come to save us all!" And the one carried in the current 974said, "I am no more Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us 975free, if only we dare let go. Our true work is this voyage, this 976adventure. 977 But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to 978the rocks, making legends of a Saviour. 979% 980 One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How 981enthusiastic is our support for UNIX? 982 Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many 983years ago. Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. 984Ten percent of our VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple 985language, easy to understand, easy to get started with. It's great for 986students, great for somewhat casual users, and it's great for 987interchanging programs between different machines. And so, because of 988its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have good UNIX on 989VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s. 990 It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will 991run out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and 992will end up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming. 993 With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and 994quickly check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With 995VMS, no matter what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of 996documentation -- if you look long enough it's there. That's the 997difference -- the beauty of UNIX is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS 998is that it's all there. 999 -- Ken Olsen, President of DEC, 1984 1000% 1001 Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities, 1002requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm 1003into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing 1004problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by turning up the 1005radio. But before we get into specific techniques, let's look at how 1006plumbing works. 1007 A plumbing system is very much like your electrical system, 1008except that instead of electricity, it has water, and instead of wires, 1009it has pipes, and instead of radios and waffle irons, it has faucets 1010and toilets. So the truth is that your plumbing systems is nothing at 1011all like your electrical system, which is good, because electricity can 1012kill you. 1013 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 1014% 1015 "Reflections on Ice-Breaking" 1016Candy 1017Is dandy 1018But liquor 1019Is quicker. 1020 -- Ogden Nash 1021% 1022 "Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated 1023thoughtfully. "An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY 1024advice, I'd have said `Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now." 1025 "I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly. 1026 "Too proud?" the other enquired. 1027 Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean," 1028she said, "that one can't help growing older." 1029 "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With 1030proper assistance, you might have left off at seven." 1031 -- Lewis Carroll 1032% 1033 So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark]. 1034With a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to 1035maneuver the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of 1036corner of the lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to 1037flop up onto the land and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward 1038it, sort of crouched over, when all of a sudden it turned around and -- 1039I can still remember the sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in 1040the armpit area -- headed right straight toward us. 1041 Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and 1042I were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our 1043heads. We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're 1044unarmed and a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water 1045up to your lower calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the 1046opposite direction, using a sprinting style such that the bottoms of 1047our feet never once went below the surface of the water. We ran all 1048the way to the far shore, and if we had been in a Warner Brothers 1049cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach, and you would have seen 1050these two mounds of sand racing across the island until they bonked 1051into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads. 1052 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 1053% 1054 "The Good Ship Enterprise" (to the tune of "The Good Ship Lollipop") 1055 1056On the good ship Enterprise 1057Every week there's a new surprise 1058Where the Romulans lurk 1059And the Klingons often go berserk. 1060 1061Yes, the good ship Enterprise 1062There's excitement anywhere it flies 1063Where Tribbles play 1064And Nurse Chapel never gets her way. 1065 1066 See Captain Kirk standing on the bridge, 1067 Mr. Spock is at his side. 1068 The weekly menace, ooh-ooh 1069 It gets fried, scattered far and wide. 1070 1071It's the good ship Enterprise 1072Heading out where danger lies 1073And you live in dread 1074If you're wearing a shirt that's red. 1075 -- Doris Robin and Karen Trimble of The L.A. Filkharmonics 1076% 1077 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10: SIMPLE 1078 1079SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Language 1080Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College for 1081Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code 1082with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN, 1083END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make 1084a syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful. Thus 1085they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without 1086the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging. 1087% 1088 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12: LITHP 1089 1090This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of 1091an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH". LITHP is said 1092to be useful in protheththing lithtth. 1093% 1094 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13: SLOBOL 1095 1096SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler. 1097Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they 1098compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the 1099coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom 1100sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to 1101compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but 1102infinitely faster) language, COCAINE. 1103% 1104 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17: SARTRE 1105 1106Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely 1107unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just 1108are. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. 1109SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at 1110parties. 1111% 1112 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18: C- 1113 1114This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he 1115submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is 1116best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the 1117language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code 1118statements to execute a given task. In this respect, it is very 1119similar to COBOL. 1120% 1121 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18a: FIFTH 1122 1123FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types 1124refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and 1125JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and 1126BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, 1127CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND. 1128 1129The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and 1130financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include 1131VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH 1132and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers 1133who end up using this language. 1134% 1135 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #2: RENE 1136 1137Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene 1138DesCartes, RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence. The 1139language is being developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics 1140and Programming under a grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund. A 1141spokesman described the language as "Just as great as dis [sic] city of 1142ours." 1143 1144The center is very pleased with progress to date. They say they have 1145almost succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the 1146organization say that each time the machine fails to think it ceases to 1147exist. 1148% 1149 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5: VALGOL 1150From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando Valley, 1151VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry. 1152 1153Here is a sample program: 1154 LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START 1155 IF PIZZA = LIKE BITCHEN AND GUY = LIKE TUBULAR AND 1156 VALLEY GIRL = LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2 THEN 1157 FOR I = LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100 1158 DO*WAH - (DITTY**2) 1159 BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT) 1160 SURE 1161 LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM 1162 REALLY 1163 LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW) 1164 IM*SURE 1165 GOTO THE MALL 1166 1167When the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message: 1168 1169 GAG ME WITH A SPOON!! 1170% 1171 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #8: LAIDBACK 1172 1173This language was developed at the Marin County Center for T'ai Chi, 1174Mellowness and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an alternative to 1175the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley. 1176 1177The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs 1178while they worked. Unfortunately few programmers could survive there 1179because the center outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of Tofu and 1180Perrier. 1181 1182Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle 1183and non-threatening language since all error messages are in lower 1184case. For example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the 1185message: 1186 "i hate to bother you, but i just can't relate to that. can 1187 you find the time to try it again?" 1188% 1189 The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the 1190klutz said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream." 1191 1192 "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?" 1193 1194 "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?" 1195% 1196 The people of Halifax invented the trampoline. During the 1197Victorian period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a 1198large wooden frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress' 1199it. The tripoline, as they called it, degenerated into becoming the 1200apparatus for a spectator sport. 1201 1202 The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for 1203castrating pigs during Sunday service. 1204 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 1205% 1206 The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood 1207as he reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all. 1208The Gray Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in 1209the palace of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in 1210twenty-five of him are dead, he is alive. 1211 1212 "Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached 1213everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a 1214fierce host which out-numbers Lankhmar's inhabitants by fifty to one -- 1215and equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city." 1216 1217 "How?" demanded Fafhrd. 1218 1219 Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know." 1220 -- Fritz Leiber, from "The Swords of Lankhmar" 1221% 1222 THE WOMBAT 1223 1224The wombat lives across the seas, 1225Among the far Antipodes. 1226He may exist on nuts and berries, 1227Or then again, on missionaries; 1228His distant habitat precludes 1229Conclusive knowledge of his moods. 1230But I would not engage the wombat 1231In any form of mortal combat. 1232% 1233 THEORY 1234Into love and out again, 1235 Thus I went and thus I go. 1236Spare your voice, and hold your pen: 1237 Well and bitterly I know 1238All the songs were ever sung, 1239 All the words were ever said; 1240Could it be, when I was young, 1241 Someone dropped me on my head? 1242 -- Dorothy Parker 1243% 1244 There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that 1245someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named 1246Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or 1247Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that 1248every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is 1249this? 1250 Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for 1251centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think ___you 1252can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's 1253forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster 1254-- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't 1255even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover 1256why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance. 1257 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 1258% 1259 Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire 1260rainbow of legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better 1261than he does. 1262 As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about 1263it. I am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily 1264sane. But we will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we 1265consider his exterior a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is 1266being eaten alive by tinhorn politicians. 1267 The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can 1268do for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his 1269honor. From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can 1270be as easily led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public 1271relations, to joy as to bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter 1272Thompson's disease. I don't have it this morning. It comes and goes. 1273This morning I don't have Hunter Thompson's disease. 1274 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr. on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt 1275 from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear 1276 and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72" 1277% 1278 To A Quick Young Fox: 1279Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp, 1280Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice? 1281Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp -- 1282Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice. 1283 -- Lazy Dog 1284% 1285 "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past 1286year strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley 1287reap crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their 1288artichoke hearts. There has been a hot day in December and a blue 1289moon. Calendars are made with a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon 1290Holstein bore alive two insurance salesmen. The earth splits and the 1291entrails of a goat were found tied in square knots. The face of the 1292sun blackens and the skies have rained down soggy potato chips." 1293 1294 "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito. 1295 1296 "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug, "but I thought it made 1297good copy." 1298 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 1299% 1300 WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL: 1301 1302Firings will continue until morale improves. 1303% 1304 We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. 1305But there was also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle 1306Haggard song at a French restaurant. ... 1307 I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of 1308her milk white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I 1309had punched her boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone 1310told him, "You ride the bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was 1311lean and tough like a bad rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he 1312fought me. And when we finished there were no winners, just men doing 1313what men must do. ... 1314 "Stop the car," the girl said. There was a look of terrible 1315sadness in her eyes. She knew about the woman of the tollway. I knew 1316not how. I started to speak, but she raised an arm and spoke with a 1317quiet and peace I will never forget. 1318 "I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the 1319tollway belle's for thee." 1320 The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was 1321a lie. Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I 1322poured whiskey onto my granola and faced a new day. 1323 -- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway 1324 Competition 1325% 1326 "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty 1327teenager asked her mother. 1328 "Encouragement, dear," she replied. 1329% 1330 "What's that thing?" 1331 "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in 1332computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what 1333it does. We call it a two-by-four." 1334 -- Jeff MacNelley, "Shoe" 1335% 1336 When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure 1337clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite answer 1338to a definite problem. For better or worse you have acted decisively. 1339 In a way, the next move is up to him. 1340 -- R. A. Lafferty 1341% 1342 "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon 1343airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in 1344deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me 1345when I was young!" 1346 "Why, what did she tell you?" 1347 "I don't know, I didn't listen!" 1348 -- Douglas Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 1349% 1350 YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF 1351 PAPER SHUFFLING! 1352 1353Mr. TAA of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be 1354a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel 1355really important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best." 1356 1357Mr. MARC had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward 1358to was a dead-end job as a engineer. Now I have a promising future and 1359make really big Zorkmids." 1360 1361MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when 1362you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter. 1363 1364 SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY! 1365% 1366 You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the 1367Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the 1368parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day. 1369 -- Sherlock Holmes 1370% 1371 Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that 1372bring electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a 1373chance to kill you. This is called a "circuit". The most common home 1374electrical problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit 1375breaker"; this causes the electricity to back up in one of the wires 1376until it bursts out of an outlet in the form of sparks, which can 1377damage your carpet. The best way to avoid broken circuits is to change 1378your fuses regularly. 1379 Another common problem is that the lights flicker. This 1380sometimes means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more 1381often it means that your home is possessed by demons, in which case 1382you'll need to get a caulking gun and some caulking. If you're not 1383sure whether your house is possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a 1384fine documentary film based on an actual book. Or call in a licensed 1385electrician, who is trained to spot the signs of demonic possession, 1386such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous cats on the dinette 1387table, etc. 1388 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 1389% 1390 _ 1391 _ / \ o 1392 / \ | | o o o 1393 | | | | _ o o o o 1394 | \_| | / \ o o o 1395 \__ | | | o o 1396 | | | | ______ ~~~~ _____ 1397 | |__/ | / ___--\\ ~~~ __/_____\__ 1398 | ___/ / \--\\ \\ \ ___ <__ x x __\ 1399 | | / /\\ \\ )) \ ( " ) 1400 | | -------(---->>(@)--(@)-------\----------< >----------- 1401 | | // | | //__________ / \ ____) (___ \\ 1402 | | // __|_| ( --------- ) //// ______ /////\ \\ 1403 // | ( \ ______ / <<<< <>-----<<<<< / \\ 1404 // ( ) / / \` \__ \\ 1405 //-------------------------------------------------------------\\ 1406 1407Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels 1408start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and 1409then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the 1410music at top volume and at least a pint of ether. 1411 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" 1412% 1413 n = ((n >> 1) & 0x55555555) | ((n << 1) & 0xaaaaaaaa); 1414 n = ((n >> 2) & 0x33333333) | ((n << 2) & 0xcccccccc); 1415 n = ((n >> 4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n << 4) & 0xf0f0f0f0); 1416 n = ((n >> 8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n << 8) & 0xff00ff00); 1417 n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000); 1418 1419 -- C code which reverses the bits in a word. 1420% 1421 n = (n & 0x55555555) + ((n & 0xaaaaaaaa) >> 1); 1422 n = (n & 0x33333333) + ((n & 0xcccccccc) >> 2); 1423 n = (n & 0x0f0f0f0f) + ((n & 0xf0f0f0f0) >> 4); 1424 n = (n & 0x00ff00ff) + ((n & 0xff00ff00) >> 8); 1425 n = (n & 0x0000ffff) + ((n & 0xffff0000) >> 16); 1426 1427 -- C code which counts the bits in a word. 1428% 1429" ... I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a 1430pallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises!" 1431 -- Winston Churchill 1432% 1433... A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you 1434have turned into a pile of dust. 1435% 1436... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he 1437was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity. 1438 -- Mark Twain 1439% 1440"... After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known 1441quotations." 1442 -- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare 1443% 1444"... all the modern inconveniences ..." 1445 -- Mark Twain 1446% 1447"... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often 1448picturesque liar." 1449 -- Mark Twain 1450% 1451... and furthermore ... I don't like your trousers. 1452% 1453... And malt does more than Milton can 1454To justify God's ways to man 1455 -- A. E. Housman 1456% 1457"... And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of 1458your own." 1459 -- "Scoop" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter 1460 Preposterous Words 1461% 1462... at least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand. 1463 -- J. B. White 1464% 1465... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ... 1466% 1467... But as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can 1468easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed 1469and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) 1470upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was 1471without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based 1472on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court 1473was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and 1474sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches, 1475human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value. 1476 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1477% 1478... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human 1479intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as 1480we can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues 1481that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding 1482of their world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard 1483example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads -- 1484makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing 1485whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a 1486finite or an infinite number. 1487 -- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds" 1488% 1489... But we've only fondled the surface of that subject. 1490 -- Virginia Masters 1491% 1492... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *___did* quote anybody in this 1493business, it probably would be gibberish. 1494 -- Thom McLeod 1495% 1496 Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal. 1497% 1498... Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror, 1499and you would not have been informed. 1500% 1501" I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights 1502instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is 1503standing still ..." 1504 -- Steven Wright 1505% 1506"... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was 1507supposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which 1508actually made me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses ..." 1509 -- Dave Barry, "The Wet Zorro Suit and Other Turning 1510 Points in l'Amour" 1511% 1512... If forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with 1513the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls 1514asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead ... 1515 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 1516% 1517... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM of a 1518KOSHER DELI!! 1519% 1520... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves 1521smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat. It is 1522not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery. 1523 -- Stephen Crane 1524% 1525... Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and 1526legally ... impeccable! 1527% 1528... My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling 1529Alley!! 1530% 1531... Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to 1532get it over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in 1533the mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs 1534on the mall public-address system, and many of these songs can damage 1535children emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a 1536snowman who befriends some children, plays with them until they learn 1537to love him, then melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about 1538a young reindeer who, because of a physical deformity, is treated as an 1539outcast by the other reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does 1540he ignore the deformity? Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect 1541Rudolph for the sensitive reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks 1542Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as if Rudolph were nothing more than some 1543kind of headlight with legs and a tail. So unless you want your 1544children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, you should shop 1545quickly. 1546 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 1547% 1548... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you 1549with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday 1550shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday 1551advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a 1552shopping bag. If your children object to being tied, threaten to take 1553them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up. 1554 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 1555% 1556"... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, 1557lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of 1558their C programs." 1559 -- Robert Firth 1560% 1561... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce 1562Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One 1563thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If 1564somebody gets handed a name like "H. Boyce," he hangs on to it, puts it 1565on his legal stationery, even passes it to his son, rather than do what 1566a lesser person would do, such as get it changed or kill himself. 1567 -- Dave Barry, "This Column is Nothing but the Truth!" 1568% 1569... so long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those 1570who wish to tyrranize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent, 1571and will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious 1572and otherwise, to put shackles upon sleeping men. 1573 -- Voltarine de Cleyre 1574% 1575... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their 1576procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as 1577to infest the waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of 1578sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making 1579documentaries. Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly 1580listless. The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another 1581documentary." So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking, 1582under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know very little about the 1583effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply 1584scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White 1585in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind of 1586thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and 1587then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very 1588dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all 1589along. 1590 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 1591% 1592... The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that 1593consists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune 1594of "Camptown Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to 1595listen to it, and, even better, nobody has to play it. 1596 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 1597% 1598"... the Mayo Clinic, named after its founder, Dr. Ted Clinic ..." 1599 -- Dave Barry 1600% 1601... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!! 1602% 1603... the privileged being which we call human is distinguished from 1604other animals only by certain double-edged manifestations which in 1605charity we can only call "inhuman." 1606 -- R. A. Lafferty 1607% 1608... This striving for excellence extends into people's personal lives 1609as well. When '80s people buy something, they buy the best one, as 1610determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability. Eighties people 1611buy imported dental floss. They buy gourmet baking soda. If an '80s 1612couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a reservation three 1613weeks in advance, and they are informed that their table is available, 1614they stalk out immediately, because they know it is not an excellent 1615restaurant. If it were, it would have an enormous crowd of 1616excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their beepers going 1617off like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant wouldn't have 1618a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of Liza Minnelli. 1619 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 1620% 1621!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH 1622% 1623(1) Alexander the Great was a great general. 1624(2) Great generals are forewarned. 1625(3) Forewarned is forearmed. 1626(4) Four is an even number. 1627(5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have. 1628(6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity. 1629 1630Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms. 1631% 1632(1) Everything depends. 1633(2) Nothing is always. 1634(3) Everything is sometimes. 1635% 1636100 buckets of bits on the bus 1637100 buckets of bits 1638Take one down, short it to ground 1639FF buckets of bits on the bus 1640 1641FF buckets of bits on the bus 1642FF buckets of bits 1643Take one down, short it to ground 1644FE buckets of bits on the bus 1645 1646ad infinitum... 1647% 1648$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at 1649which time it will be worth absolutely nothing. 1650 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 1651% 165210.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0. 1653% 1654101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR 1655 (1) Scarecrow for centipedes 1656 (2) Dead cat brush 1657 (3) Hair barrettes 1658 (4) Cleats 1659 (5) Self-piercing earrings 1660 (6) Fungus trellis 1661 (7) False eyelashes 1662 (8) Prosthetic dog claws 1663 . 1664 . 1665 . 1666 (99) Window garden harrow (pulled behind Tonka tractors) 1667 (100) Killer velcro 1668 (101) Currency 1669% 16701.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's 1671the law! 1672% 1673186,282 miles per second: 1674 1675It isn't just a good idea, it's the law! 1676% 16772180, U.S. History question: 1678 What 20th Century U.S. President was almost impeached and what 1679office did he later hold? 1680% 16813 syncs represent the trinity - init, the child and the eternal zombie 1682process. In doing 3, you're paying homage to each and I think such 1683traditions are important in this shallow, mercurial business we find 1684ourselves in. 1685 -- Jordan K. Hubbard 1686% 1687$3,000,000 1688% 1689"355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible 1690simulation!" 1691% 169243rd Law of Computing: 1693 Anything that can go wr 1694fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped 1695% 16967:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) 1697 The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National 1698 Redwood Forest. 1699% 17007:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) 1701 The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the 1702 Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus. 1703% 170477. HO HUM -- The Redundant 1705 1706------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme 1707--- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife 1708------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. You are working 1709---O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop the 1710---X--- (9) GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates to 1711--- --- (8) nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex. 1712 1713Nine in the second place means: 1714 The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune. 1715 1716Six in the third place means: 1717 In former times men built altars to honor the Internal Revenue 1718 Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble! 1719% 172099 blocks of crud on the disk, 172199 blocks of crud! 1722You patch a bug, and dump it again: 1723100 blocks of crud on the disk! 1724 1725100 blocks of crud on the disk, 1726100 blocks of crud! 1727You patch a bug, and dump it again: 1728101 blocks of crud on the disk! ... 1729% 1730A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no 1731responsibility at the other. 1732% 1733A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on. 1734 -- Carl Sandburg 1735% 1736A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out 1737of a divorce. 1738 -- Don Quinn 1739% 1740A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining 1741and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. 1742 -- Mark Twain 1743% 1744A billion here, a couple of billion there -- first thing you know it 1745adds up to be real money. 1746 -- Senator Everett McKinley Dirksen 1747% 1748A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him. 1749% 1750A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring. 1751% 1752A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose. 1753% 1754A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have 1755enlightened him with ours. 1756% 1757A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well 1758as afterward. 1759% 1760A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the 1761poor to protect them from each other. 1762% 1763A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness. 1764% 1765A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not 1766mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty 1767trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators. 1768 -- Dave Barry 1769% 1770A child of five could understand this! Fetch me a child of five. 1771% 1772A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon. 1773Avoid him. He's a Commie. 1774% 1775A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but 1776won't cross the street to vote in a national election. 1777 -- Bill Vaughan 1778% 1779A city is a large community where people are lonesome together 1780 -- Herbert Prochnow 1781% 1782A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody 1783wants to read. 1784 -- Mark Twain 1785% 1786A closed mouth gathers no foot. 1787% 1788A computer, to print out a fact, 1789Will divide, multiply, and subtract. 1790 But this output can be 1791 No more than debris, 1792If the input was short of exact. 1793 -- Gigo 1794% 1795A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking. 1796% 1797A CONS is an object which cares. 1798 -- Bernie Greenberg. 1799% 1800A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it 1801is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it. 1802% 1803A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper. 1804 -- Dyer 1805% 1806A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the 1807damned things is ample. 1808 -- Rebecca West 1809% 1810A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. 1811 -- Ben Franklin 1812% 1813A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison 1814And had an affair with a Saracen. 1815 She was not oversexed, 1816 Or jealous or vexed, 1817She just wanted to make a comparison. 1818% 1819A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen 1820lantern. 1821 -- Edgar A. Shoaff 1822% 1823A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it? 1824% 1825A day without sunshine is like night. 1826% 1827A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur 1828coat. 1829% 1830A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that 1831you will look forward to the trip. 1832% 1833A diva who specializes in risqu'e arias is an off-coloratura soprano ... 1834% 1835A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. 1836 -- Ogden Nash 1837% 1838A dozen, a gross, and a score, 1839Plus three times the square root of four, 1840 Divided by seven, 1841 Plus five times eleven, 1842Equals nine squared plus zero, no more. 1843% 1844A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a 1845Xerox 1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser. 1846Wanting to help, the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network 1847with the mouse, and asked "what do you see?" Very earnestly, the 1848Undergraduate replied "I see a cursor." The Hacker then quickly 1849pressed the boot toggle at the back of the keyboard, while 1850simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head with a thick 1851Interlisp Manual. The Undergraduate was then Enlightened. 1852% 1853A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the 1854subject. 1855 -- Winston Churchill 1856% 1857A fool must now and then be right by chance. 1858% 1859A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block 1860of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an 1861elephant. 1862% 1863A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into 1864superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education. 1865 -- George Bernard Shaw 1866% 1867A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used. 1868 -- D. Gries 1869% 1870"A fractal is by definition a set for which the Hausdorff Besicovitch 1871dimension strictly exceeds the topological dimension." 1872 -- Mandelbrot, "The Fractal Geometry of Nature" 1873% 1874A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular. 1875 -- Adlai Stevenson 1876% 1877A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than 1878he could be elected Pope of Rome. Both high posts are reserved for men 1879favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter 1880facts of life in bandages of self-illusion. 1881 -- H. L. Mencken 1882% 1883A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding 1884ducks. 1885 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 1886% 1887A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident. 1888A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident. 1889But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *____that ___had __to ____mean _________something*. 1890 -- S. Morganstern, "The Silent Gondoliers" 1891% 1892A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort 1893of). 1894% 1895A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. 1896Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific 1897game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have 1898traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, 1899preferably atop a nice firm tuft of grass. 1900 -- Donald A. Metz 1901% 1902A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and 1903placed in the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or 1904rolled into the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results 1905from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball 1906and the player should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the 1907ball resulting from such uncontrollable physical 1908phenomena. 1909 -- Donald A. Metz 1910% 1911A good question is never answered. It is not a bolt to be tightened 1912into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the 1913hope of greening the landscape of idea. 1914 -- John Ciardi 1915% 1916A good sysadmin always carries around a few feet of fiber. If he ever 1917gets lost, he simply drops the fiber on the ground, waits ten minutes, 1918then asks the backhoe operator for directions. 1919 -- Bill Bradford <mrbill@mrbill.net> 1920% 1921A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely 1922rearranging their prejudices. 1923 -- William James 1924% 1925A great nation is any mob of people which produces at least one honest 1926man a century. 1927% 1928A hypothetical paradox: 1929 What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security 1930team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of 1931Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet? 1932 -- Tom Galloway 1933% 1934A is for Amy who fell down the stairs, B is for Basil assaulted by bears. 1935C is for Clair who wasted away, D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh. 1936E is for Ernest who choked on a peach, F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech. 1937G is for George, smothered under a rug, H is for Hector, done in by a thug. 1938I is for Ida who drowned in the lake, J is for James who took lye, by mistake. 1939K is for Kate who was struck with an axe, L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks. 1940M is for Maud who was swept out to sea, N is for Nevil who died of enui. 1941O is for Olive, run through with an awl, P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl 1942Q is for Quinton who sank in a mire, R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire. 1943S is for Susan who parished of fits, T is for Titas who flew into bits. 1944U is for Una who slipped down a drain, V is for Victor, squashed under a train. 1945W is for Winie, embedded in ice, X is for Xercies, devoured by mice. 1946Y is for Yoric whose head was bashed in, Z is for Zilla who drank too much gin. 1947 -- Edward Gorey "The Gastly Crumb Tines" 1948% 1949A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. 1950% 1951A jury consists of 12 persons chosen to decide 1952who has the better lawyer. 1953 -- Robert Frost 1954% 1955A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction. 1956% 1957A lady with one of her ears applied 1958To an open keyhole heard, inside, 1959Two female gossips in converse free -- 1960The subject engaging them was she. 1961"I think", said one, "and my husband thinks 1962That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!" 1963As soon as no more of it she could hear 1964The lady, indignant, removed her ear. 1965"I will not stay," she said with a pout, 1966"To hear my character lied about!" 1967 -- Gopete Sherany 1968% 1969A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is 1970not worth knowing. 1971% 1972A language that doesn't have everything is actually easier to program 1973in than some that do. 1974 -- Dennis M. Ritchie 1975% 1976A large number of installed systems work by fiat. That is, they work 1977by being declared to work. 1978 -- Anatol Holt 1979% 1980A Law of Computer Programming: 1981 Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you 1982will find the programmers cannot write in English. 1983% 1984A limerick packs laughs anatomical 1985Into space that is quite economical. 1986 But the good ones I've seen 1987 So seldom are clean, 1988And the clean ones so seldom are comical. 1989% 1990A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of 1991nothing. 1992% 1993A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation. 1994 -- H. H. Munroe 1995% 1996A long memory is the most subversive idea in America. 1997% 1998A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any 1999price. 2000% 2001A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in 2002his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and 2003exceptional ability in that particular field." 2004% 2005A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths. 2006 -- Steve Wright 2007% 2008A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I 2009believe everything positively stinks. 2010 -- Lew Col 2011% 2012A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!" 2013 2014"However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a 2015sense of obligation." 2016 -- Stephen Crane 2017% 2018A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package. 2019% 2020A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems. 2021% 2022A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed 2023on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new 2024game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the 2025pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly 2026along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their 2027heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn 2028around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite 2029direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the 2030paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin 2031colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins 2032fall over gently onto their backs. 2033 -- Audobon Society Magazine 2034 20352001-02-02, from http://news.bbc.co.uk: 2036 2037For five weeks, a team from the British Antarctic Survey (BAS) 2038monitored 1,000 king penguins on the island of South Georgia as 2039Lynx helicopters passed overhead. 2040 2041"Not one king penguin fell over when the helicopters came over," 2042said team leader Dr Richard Stone. 2043 2044"As the aircraft approached, the birds went quiet and stopped 2045calling to each other, and adolescent birds that were not associated 2046with nests began walking away from the noise. Pure animal instinct, 2047really." 2048 2049The conclusion, said Dr Stone, is that flights over 305 metres 2050(1,000 feet) caused "only minor and transitory ecological effects" 2051on king penguins. 2052% 2053A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey. "It is out 2054on loan," the teacher replied. At that moment, the donkey brayed 2055loudly inside the stable. "But I can hear it bray, over there." "Whom 2056do you believe," asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?" 2057% 2058A new dramatist of the absurd 2059Has a voice that will shortly be heard. 2060 I learn from my spies 2061 He's about to devise 2062An unprintable three-letter word. 2063% 2064A new koan: 2065 2066 If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you. 2067 2068 If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you. 2069 2070It is an ice cream koan. 2071% 2072A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary. 2073Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a round tuit now 2074has no excuse for further procrastination. 2075% 2076A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the movies 2077insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the 2078right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them. 2079% 2080A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the 2081rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion. 2082% 2083A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a 2084"Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble. 2085 -- Mahatma Ghandi 2086% 2087A novice was trying to fix a broken Lisp machine by turning the power 2088off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly: 2089"You can not fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no 2090understanding of what is going wrong." Knight turned the machine off 2091and on. The machine worked. 2092% 2093A nuclear war can ruin your whole day. 2094% 2095A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space. 2096 -- Gloria Steinem 2097% 2098A penny saved is ridiculous. 2099% 2100A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry. 2101% 2102A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms. 2103 -- George Wald 2104% 2105A pig is a jolly companion, 2106Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt -- 2107A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale, 2108Though mountains may topple and tilt. 2109When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you, 2110When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig, 2111Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover, 2112You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig, 2113You'll never go wrong with a pig! 2114 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" 2115% 2116"A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!" 2117 -- Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Summatra" 2118% 2119A priest asked: What is Fate, Master? 2120 2121And he answered: 2122 2123It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence. 2124 2125It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs. 2126 2127It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City to City 2128upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns have come 2129to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness. 2130 2131And that is Fate? said the priest. 2132 2133Fate ... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master. 2134 2135That's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know what Freight was 2136too. 2137 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 2138% 2139A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. 2140% 2141"A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis 2142of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite 2143series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric 2144precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from 2145inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical 2146accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality 2147for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly 2148defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the 2149information in the first place." 2150 -- IEEE Grid news magazine 2151% 2152A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that 2153your wife will give you for free. 2154% 2155A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be 2156too heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which 2157was intended for her preservation. 2158 -- Colton 2159% 2160A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as 2161"you could blow it in" may be blown in. This rule does not apply if 2162the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants 2163to make a travesty of the game. 2164 -- Donald A. Metz 2165% 2166"A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results blacked 2167out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon." 2168 -- Steel City News 2169% 2170"A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives." 2171% 2172A reading from the Book of Armaments, Chapter 4, Verses 16 to 20: 2173 2174Then did he raise on high the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, saying, 2175"Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny 2176bits, in thy mercy." And the people did rejoice and did feast upon the 2177lambs and toads and tree-sloths and fruit-bats and orangutans and 2178breakfast cereals ... Now did the Lord say, "First thou pullest the 2179Holy Pin. Then thou must count to three. Three shall be the number of 2180the counting and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt 2181thou not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then 2182proceedeth to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being 2183the number of the counting, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand 2184Grenade in the direction of thine foe, who, being naughty in my sight, 2185shall snuff it." 2186 -- Monty Python, "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" 2187% 2188A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices 2189that the system works. 2190% 2191A real person has two reasons for doing anything ... a good reason and 2192the real reason. 2193% 2194A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen 2195objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer 2196scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added 2197concentration needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three 2198dimensional objects ... 2199% 2200A Riverside, California, health ordinance states that two persons may 2201not kiss each other without first wiping their lips with carbolized 2202rosewater. 2203% 2204A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man 2205contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral. 2206 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery 2207% 2208A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will 2209keep him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those 2210that are worth committing. 2211 -- Samuel Butler 2212% 2213A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard 2214 -- Prof. Steiner 2215% 2216A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows. 2217 -- O'Henry 2218% 2219A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many 2220bad measures. 2221 -- Daniel Webster 2222% 2223A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to 2224Greenblatt. As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by. "Is it 2225true," asked the student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as 2226Lisp?" Almost before the student had finished his question, Greenblatt 2227shouted, "FOO!", and hit the student with a stick. 2228% 2229A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an 2230exam. 2231% 2232A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something 2233undreamed of by its author. 2234 -- S. C. Johnson 2235% 2236A system admin's life is a sorry one. The only advantage he has over 2237Emergency Room doctors is that malpractice suits are rare. On the 2238other hand, ER doctors never have to deal with patients installing 2239new versions of their own innards! 2240 -- Michael O'Brien 2241% 2242A tautology is a thing which is tautological. 2243% 2244A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, 2245and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others. 2246 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2247% 2248A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by 2249blowing first. 2250% 2251A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene 2252triangle. 2253% 2254A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. 2255% 2256A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest 2257in students. 2258 -- John Ciardi 2259% 2260"A University without students is like an ointment without a fly." 2261 -- Ed Nather, professor of astronomy at UT Austin 2262% 2263A UNIX saleslady, Lenore, 2264Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more. 2265 She found a good way 2266 To combine work and play: 2267She sells C shells by the seashore. 2268% 2269A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature 2270replaces it with. 2271 -- Tennessee Williams 2272% 2273A very intelligent turtle 2274Found programming UNIX a hurdle 2275 The system, you see, 2276 Ran as slow as did he, 2277And that's not saying much for the turtle. 2278% 2279A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without 2280getting nervous. 2281% 2282"A witty saying proves nothing." 2283 -- Voltaire 2284% 2285A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets 2286people's attention. 2287% 2288"A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to 2289admit, let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact 2290remains that there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one 2291reason or another, completely immune to any direct magical spell. It 2292is for this group of beings that the magician learns the subtleties of 2293using indirect spells. It also does no harm, in dealing with these 2294matters, to carry a large club near your person at all times." 2295 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII 2296% 2297A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe 2298in God. 2299% 2300A.A.A.A.A.: 2301 An organization for drunks who drive 2302% 2303AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!! 2304You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room! 2305% 2306Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy. 2307% 2308"About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the 2309ends." 2310 -- Herbert Hoover 2311% 2312Absence makes the heart go wander. 2313% 2314Absent, adj.: 2315 Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed; 2316slandered. 2317% 2318Absentee, n.: 2319 A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove 2320himself from the sphere of exaction. 2321 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2322% 2323Abstainer, n.: 2324 A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a 2325pleasure. 2326 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2327% 2328Absurdity, n.: 2329 A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own 2330opinion. 2331 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2332% 2333Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, 2334because the stakes are so low. 2335 -- Wallace Sayre 2336% 2337Accident, n.: 2338 A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of 2339body is better. 2340% 2341Accidents cause History. 2342 2343If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the 2344Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not 2345have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil 2346could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and 2347the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd. 2348 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 2349% 2350According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest: "No person 2351shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than 2352fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening 2353of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of 2354the returns." 2355% 2356According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath at least 2357once a year. 2358% 2359According to my best recollection, I don't remember. 2360 -- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo 2361% 2362According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are 2363totally worthless. 2364% 2365According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never 2366dies. 2367% 2368"According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to 2369live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came 2370in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much. 2371Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime." 2372 -- David Letterman 2373% 2374Accordion, n.: 2375 A bagpipe with pleats. 2376% 2377Accuracy, n.: 2378 The vice of being right 2379% 2380Acid -- better living through chemistry. 2381% 2382Acid absorbs 47 times it's weight in excess Reality. 2383% 2384Acquaintance, n.: 2385 A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well 2386enough to lend to. 2387 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2388% 2389"Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from 2390coughing." 2391% 2392Actor: "I'm a smash hit. Why, yesterday during the last act, I had 2393 everyone glued in their seats!" 2394Oliver Herford: "Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of 2395 it!" 2396% 2397Actor: So what do you do for a living? 2398Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving 2399 dishes for Chinese restaurants. 2400 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 2401% 2402Actors will happen even in the best-regulated families. 2403% 2404ADA, n.: 2405 Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in 2406Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA 2407awareness." 2408% 2409Admiration, n.: 2410 Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. 2411 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2412% 2413Adolescence, n.: 2414 The stage between puberty and adultery. 2415% 2416"Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look 2417like you ..." 2418 -- Gilda Radner 2419% 2420Adore, v.: 2421 To venerate expectantly. 2422 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2423% 2424Adult, n.: 2425 One old enough to know better. 2426% 2427Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest 2428way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless. 2429 -- Sinclair Lewis 2430% 2431Advice to young men: Be ascetic, and if you can't be ascetic, 2432then at least be aseptic. 2433% 2434After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out. 2435It was replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life 2436more advanced than the lichen family. 2437 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly 2438 Do" 2439% 2440After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn. 2441% 2442After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not 2443for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have 2444simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. 2445 -- P. J. O'Rourke 2446% 2447After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found 2448on the bench. 2449% 2450After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose 2451names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary 2452Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted 2453many important electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi 2454Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two 2455different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current 2456developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer 2457attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led 2458to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today, 2459skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously 2460injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it 2461hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact 2462that it sinks like a stone. 2463 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 2464% 2465"After I asked him what he meant, he replied that freedom consisted of 2466the unimpeded right to get rich, to use his ability, no matter what the 2467cost to others, to win advancement." 2468 -- Norman Thomas 2469% 2470After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK? 2471% 2472After living in New York, you trust nobody, but you believe 2473everything. Just in case. 2474% 2475After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access 2476cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been 2477removed. 2478% 2479Afternoon, n.: 2480 That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the 2481morning. 2482% 2483Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a 2484change. 2485% 2486Age before beauty; and pearls before swine. 2487 -- Dorothy Parker 2488% 2489Age, n.: 2490 That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we 2491still cherish by reviling those that we no longer have the enterprise 2492to commit. 2493 -- Ambrose Bierce 2494% 2495Ah, but the choice of dreams to live, 2496there's the rub. 2497 2498For all dreams are not equal, 2499some exit to nightmare 2500most end with the dreamer 2501 2502But at least one must be lived ... and died. 2503% 2504Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball. 2505% 2506"Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the 2507Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact 2508that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately 2509unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep 2510up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers." 2511 -- A analysis of Neo-Nazis, from "The Badger" comic 2512% 2513Air is water with holes in it 2514% 2515Alas, I am dying beyond my means. 2516 -- Oscar Wilde, as he sipped champagne on his deathbed 2517% 2518Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire 2519telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New 2520York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? 2521And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they 2522receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat." 2523% 2524Alden's Laws: 2525 (1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause 2526 of pregnancy. 2527 (2) Always be backlit. 2528 (3) Sit down whenever possible. 2529% 2530Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall, 2531Aleph-null bottles of beer, 2532 You take one down, and pass it around, 2533Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall. 2534% 2535Alex Haley was adopted! 2536% 2537Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting 2538for a dial tone. 2539% 2540Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of 2541them keeps paying for it. 2542 -- Peggy Joyce 2543% 2544All bridge hands are equally likely, but some are more equally likely 2545than others. 2546 -- Alan Truscott 2547% 2548All extremists should be taken out and shot. 2549% 2550All Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing 2551without thinking. 2552% 2553"All flesh is grass" 2554 -- Isiah 2555Smoke a friend today. 2556% 2557All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. 2558% 2559All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own 2560importance. 2561% 2562All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled 2563by an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS ... 2564% 2565All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power 2566 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 2567% 2568All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are 2569Socrates. 2570 -- Woody Allen 2571% 2572"All my friends and I are crazy. That's the only thing that keeps us 2573sane." 2574% 2575"All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more 2576specific." 2577 -- Jane Wagner 2578% 2579All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies. 2580 -- The Book of Bokonon / Kurt Vonnegut Jr. 2581% 2582All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of 2583the United States. 2584 -- Vic Gold 2585% 2586All power corrupts, but we need electricity. 2587% 2588All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors. 2589% 2590All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of 2591every organism to live beyond its income. 2592 -- Samuel Butler 2593% 2594All science is either physics or stamp collecting. 2595 -- E. Rutherford 2596% 2597"All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right 2598hands." 2599 -- Saint Patrick 2600% 2601All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism. 2602% 2603All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, 2604too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you 2605subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you 2606can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S. 2607Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax 2608decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What 2609if it rains?" 2610 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" 2611% 2612All the passions make us commit faults; love makes us commit the most 2613ridiculous ones. 2614 -- La Rochefoucauld 2615% 2616All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by 2617the government in less than a second. 2618 -- Jim Fiebig 2619% 2620All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed. 2621 -- Sean O'Casey 2622% 2623All the world's a VAX, 2624And all the coders merely butchers; 2625They have their exits and their entrails; 2626And one int in his time plays many widths, 2627His sizeof being _N bytes. At first the infant, 2628Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms. 2629And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun, 2630And shining morning face, creeping like slug 2631Unwillingly to school. 2632 -- A Very Annoyed PDP-11 2633% 2634All theoretical chemistry is really physics; 2635and all theoretical chemists know it. 2636 -- Richard P. Feynman 2637% 2638All things are possible, except skiing thru a revolving door. 2639% 2640All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for 2641fun. Money's just the way we keep score. 2642% 2643All true wisdom is found on T-shirts. 2644% 2645All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers ... Each one owes 2646infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in 2647which he was born. 2648 -- Francois Fenelon 2649% 2650All [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent 2651upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a 2652visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is 2653informing, stimulating and ennobling. 2654 -- H. L. Mencken 2655% 2656Alliance, n.: 2657 In international politics, the union of two thieves who have 2658their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot 2659separately plunder a third. 2660 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2661% 2662Alone, adj.: 2663 In bad company. 2664 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2665% 2666Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight 2667Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. 2668 -- Dave Barry 2669% 2670Although the moon is smaller than the earth, it is farther away. 2671% 2672Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios, 2673mixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have 2674any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place 2675to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer, 2676Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lighting storm and received a 2677serious electrical shock. This proved that lighting was powered by the 2678same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely 2679that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as "A 2680penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he had to be given a job 2681running the post office. 2682 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 2683% 2684Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been 2685reissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the 2686day-to-day life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable 2687interest to outdoor minded readers, as it contains many passages on 2688pheasant-raising, the apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin, 2689and other chores and duties of the professional gamekeeper. 2690Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade through many pages of extraneous 2691material in order to discover and savour those sidelights on the 2692management of a midland shooting estate, and in this reviewer's opinion 2693the book cannot take the place of J. R. Miller's "Practical 2694Gamekeeping." 2695 -- Ed Zern, "Field and Stream" (Nov. 1959) 2696% 2697Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid 2698back. 2699% 2700Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else. 2701% 2702"Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing 2703that way." 2704% 2705Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves. 2706% 2707Ambidextrous, adj.: 2708 Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left. 2709 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2710% 2711Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. 2712 -- Charlie McCarthy 2713% 2714America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism 2715to decadence without touching civilization. 2716 -- John O'Hara 2717% 2718America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, 2719until people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and 2720changed its name to "America". 2721 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 2722% 2723American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective 2724employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for 2725employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference 2726between the men's room and the women's room without having little 2727pictures on the doors. 2728 -- Dave Barry, "Urine Trouble, Mister" 2729% 2730"Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it." 2731% 2732An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because 2733people refuse to see it. 2734 -- James Michener, "Space" 2735% 2736An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but 2737is always polite to traffic cops. 2738% 2739"An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to 2740New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but 2741not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax." 2742 -- David Letterman 2743% 2744An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away. 2745% 2746An artist should be fit for the best society and keep out of it. 2747% 2748An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree 2749murder. "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuffing his lover's 2750mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border. 2751Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the 2752suitcase. Now, I would like to stress that my client is *not* a 2753murderer. A sloppy packer, maybe..." 2754% 2755An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you 2756really care to know. 2757% 2758An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible. 2759% 2760An elephant is a mouse with an operating system. 2761% 2762An English judge, growing weary of the barrister's long-winded 2763summation, leaned over the bench and remarked, "I've heard your 2764arguments, Sir Geoffrey, and I'm none the wiser!" Sir Geoffrey 2765responded, "That may be, Milord, but at least you're better informed!" 2766% 2767An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose. 2768 -- A. P. Herbert 2769% 2770An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch. He 2771wears a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is 2772advertised only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and 2773Rich Protestant Golfer Magazine. The advertisements are written in 2774incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote 2775excellence: 2776 2777"The Rolex Hyperion. An elegant new standard in quality excellence and 2778discriminating handcraftsmanship. For the individual who is truly able 2779to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting 2780things by hand. Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold. No watch 2781parts or anything. Just a great big chunk on your wrist. Truly a 2782timeless statement. For the individual who is very secure. Who 2783doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful. 2784Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high 2785school. Because of his acne. People who are probably nowhere near as 2786successful as he is now. Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and 2787they'll see his Rolex Hyperion. Hahahahahahahahaha." 2788 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 2789% 2790An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future. 2791% 2792An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God. Some of these 2793eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as 2794possible. 2795 -- Russell Hoban, "Pilgermann" 2796% 2797An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it. 2798% 2799"An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge." 2800% 2801Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no 2802government at all. 2803% 2804And as we stand on the edge of darkness 2805Let our chant fill the void 2806That others may know 2807 2808 In the land of the night 2809 The ship of the sun 2810 Is drawn by 2811 The grateful dead. 2812 2813 -- Tibetan "Book of the Dead," ca. 4000 BC. 2814% 2815And I heard Jeff exclaim, 2816As they strolled out of sight, 2817"Merry Christmas to all -- 2818You take credit cards, right?" 2819 -- "Outsiders" comic 2820% 2821And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode. 2822% 2823And so, men, we can see that human skin is an even more complex and 2824fascinating organ than we thought it was, and if we want to keep it 2825looking good, we have to care for it as though it were our own. One 2826approach is to undergo a painful surgical procedure wherein your skin 2827is turned inside-out, so the young cells are on the outside, but then 2828of course you have the unpleasant side effect that your insides 2829gradually fill up with dead old cells and you explode. So this 2830procedure is pretty much limited to top Hollywood stars for whom 2831youthful beauty is a career necessity, such as Elizabeth Taylor and 2832Orson Welles. 2833 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face" 2834% 2835"...and the fully armed nuclear warheads, are, of course, merely a 2836courtesy detail." 2837% 2838And this is a table ma'am. What in essence it consists of is a 2839horizontal rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical 2840columnar supports, which we call legs. The tables in this laboratory, 2841ma'am, are as advanced in design as one will find anywhere in the 2842world. 2843 -- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men" 2844% 2845And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have 2846a sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks 2847tragedy, and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets 2848tragedy face to face, we have politics. 2849 -- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland, "Root Crops and 2850 Ground Cover" 2851% 2852Andrea: Unhappy the land that has no heroes. 2853Galileo: No, unhappy the land that _____needs heroes. 2854 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Life of Galileo" 2855% 2856Angels we have heard on High 2857Tell us to go out and Buy. 2858 -- Tom Lehrer 2859% 2860Ankh if you love Isis. 2861% 2862Anoint, v.: 2863 To grease a king or other great functionary already 2864sufficiently slippery. 2865 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2866% 2867Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree. 2868% 2869Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but 2870television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom 2871and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that 2872offers whiter teeth *___and* fresher breath. 2873 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly 2874 Do" 2875% 2876Anthony's Law of Force: 2877 Don't force it; get a larger hammer. 2878% 2879Anthony's Law of the Workshop: 2880 Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible 2881 corner of the workshop. 2882 2883Corollary: 2884 On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike 2885 your toes. 2886% 2887Antonym, n.: 2888 The opposite of the word you're trying to think of. 2889% 2890Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art. 2891 -- Charles McCabe 2892% 2893Any dramatic series the producers want us to take seriously as a 2894representation of contemporary reality cannot be taken seriously as a 2895representation of anything -- except a show to be ignored by anyone 2896capable of sitting upright in a chair and chewing gum simultaneously. 2897 -- Richard Schickel 2898% 2899Any excuse will serve a tyrant. 2900 -- Aesop 2901% 2902Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that 2903this country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a 2904whole week. 2905% 2906Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to 2907sell it. 2908% 2909Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche 2910-- a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance, 2911my grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off 2912the fence." I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was 2913undoubtedly true. 2914 -- Solomon Short 2915% 2916Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there. 2917 -- Sydney J. Harris 2918% 2919Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger 2920object. 2921% 2922Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to 2923exactly the point of most pressure. 2924 -- Milt Barber 2925% 2926Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature. 2927 -- Rich Kulawiec 2928% 2929Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged 2930demo. 2931% 2932Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. 2933 -- Arthur C. Clarke 2934% 2935Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked 2936something. 2937% 2938Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours. 2939 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. 2940% 2941Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. 2942% 2943Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is 2944probably parked. 2945% 2946Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire. 2947% 2948Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is 2949supposed to be doing at the moment. 2950 -- Robert Benchley 2951% 2952Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm. 2953 -- Publius Syrus 2954% 2955Anyone can make an omelet with eggs. The trick is to make one with 2956none. 2957% 2958Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he 2959is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not 2960make messes in the house. 2961 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 2962% 2963Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. 2964 -- Samuel Goldwyn 2965% 2966Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad. 2967 -- W. C. Fields 2968% 2969Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no 2970account be allowed to do the job. 2971 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 2972% 2973Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never 2974tried taking candy from a baby. 2975 -- Robin Hood 2976% 2977Anything free is worth what you pay for it. 2978% 2979Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. The label means the 2980price went up. The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW" 2981means the price went way up. 2982% 2983Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate. 2984% 2985Anything worth doing is worth overdoing 2986% 2987"Apathy is not the problem, it's the solution" 2988% 2989Aphorism, n.: 2990 A concise, clever statement. 2991Afterism, n.: 2992 A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late. 2993 -- James Alexander Thom 2994% 2995APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of 2996the future for the problems of the past: it creates a new generation of 2997coding bums. 2998% 2999"APL is a write-only language. I can write programs in APL, but I 3000can't read any of them." 3001 -- Roy Keir 3002% 3003Aquadextrous, adj.: 3004 Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off 3005with your toes. 3006 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 3007% 3008AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) 3009 You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. 3010 You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to 3011 be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same 3012 mistakes over and over again. People think you are stupid. 3013% 3014Arbitrary systems, pl.n.: 3015 Systems about which nothing general can be said, save "nothing 3016general can be said." 3017% 3018ARCHDUKE FERDINAND FOUND ALIVE -- 3019 FIRST WORLD WAR A MISTAKE 3020% 3021Are you a turtle? 3022% 3023"Arguments with furniture are rarely productive." 3024 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 3025% 3026ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19) 3027 You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You 3028 are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are 3029 not very nice. 3030% 3031Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your 3032shoes. 3033 -- Mickey Mouse 3034% 3035Armadillo: 3036 To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle 3037% 3038Arnold's Laws of Documentation: 3039 (1) If it should exist, it doesn't. 3040 (2) If it does exist, it's out of date. 3041 (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the 3042 first two laws. 3043% 3044Around computers it is difficult to find the correct unit of time to 3045measure progress. Some cathedrals took a century to complete. Can you 3046imagine the grandeur and scope of a program that would take as long? 3047 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 3048% 3049Art is anything you can get away with. 3050 -- Marshall McLuhan. 3051% 3052Art is either plagiarism or revolution. 3053 -- Paul Gauguin 3054% 3055Arthur's Laws of Love: 3056 (1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you 3057 remind them of someone else. 3058 (2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be 3059 delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of 3060 yourself in person. 3061% 3062Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum. 3063% 3064As a professional humorist, I often get letters from readers who are 3065interested in the basic nature of humor. "What kind of a sick 3066perverted disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask, 3067"that you make jokes about setting fire to a goat?" ... 3068 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" 3069% 3070"As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual 3071certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I 3072became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can 3073meet girls." 3074 -- Matt Cartmill 3075% 3076As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not 3077certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. 3078 -- Albert Einstein 3079% 3080As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. 3081 -- Weisert 3082% 3083As I was going up Punch Card Hill, 3084 Feeling worse and worser, 3085There I met a C.R.T. 3086 And it drop't me a cursor. 3087 3088C.R.T., C.R.T., 3089 Phosphors light on you! 3090If I had fifty hours a day 3091 I'd spend them all at you. 3092 3093 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes 3094% 3095As I was passing Project MAC, 3096I met a Quux with seven hacks. 3097Every hack had seven bugs; 3098Every bug had seven manifestations; 3099Every manifestation had seven symptoms. 3100Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks, 3101How many losses at Project MAC? 3102% 3103As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great 3104industries are secure. We hear about constitutional rights, free 3105speech and the free press. Every time I hear these words I say to 3106myself, "That man is a Red, that man is a Communist". You never hear a 3107real American talk like that. 3108 -- Frank Hague (1896-1956) 3109% 3110As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong? 3111% 3112As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its 3113fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be 3114popular. 3115 -- Oscar Wilde 3116% 3117As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code. 3118% 3119"As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 3120programs; a process that traditionally requires some debugging." 3121 -- USA Today, referring to the IRS switchover to a new 3122 computer system. 3123% 3124As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it 3125wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had 3126to be discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized 3127that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in 3128finding mistakes in my own programs. 3129 -- Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949 3130% 3131As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably because it's 3132so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. 3133 -- Woody Allen 3134% 3135As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there 3136is always a future in Computer Maintenance. 3137 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 3138% 3139As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such things as a free 3140variable." 3141% 3142As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple 3143memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time 3144to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A, 3145E, or U is the proper time for chocolate. 3146 -- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion" 3147% 3148As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would 3149interfere with flight. [In fact, this was the big breakthrough for the 3150Wright Brothers. They were watching birds one day, trying to figure 3151out how to get their crude machine to fly, when suddenly it dawned on 3152Wilbur. "Orville," he said, "all we have to do is remove the sexual 3153organs!" You should have seen their original design.] As a result, 3154birds are very, very difficult to arouse sexually. You almost never 3155see an aroused bird. So when they want to reproduce, birds fly up and 3156stand on telephone lines, where they monitor telephone conversations 3157with their feet. When they find a conversation in which people are 3158talking dirty, they grip the line very tightly until they are both 3159highly aroused, at which point the female gets pregnant. 3160 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every 3161 Teen Should Know" 3162% 3163As you reach for the web, a venomous spider appears. Unable to pull 3164your hand away in time, the spider promptly, but politely, bites you. 3165The venom takes affect quickly causing your lips to turn plaid along 3166with your complexion. You become dazed, and in your stupor you fall 3167from the limbs of the tree. Snap! Your head falls off and rolls all 3168over the ground. The instant before you croak, you hear the whoosh of 3169a vacuum being filled by the air surrounding your head. Worse yet, the 3170spider is suing you for damages. 3171% 3172As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself." 3173% 3174ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS. 3175% 3176Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if 3177one went to Harvard). 3178 -- Edgar R. Fiedler 3179% 3180Ask Not for whom the Bell Tolls, and You will Pay only the 3181Station-to-Station rate. 3182% 3183Ask not for whom the <CONTROL-G> tolls. 3184% 3185Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls ... if thou art in the 3186bathtub, it tolls for thee. 3187% 3188Ask your boss to reconsider -- it's so difficult to take "Go to hell" 3189for an answer. 3190% 3191"Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old 3192woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, `The way I look at it, 3193she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds.'" 3194 -- David Letterman 3195% 3196Ass, n.: 3197 The masculine of "lass". 3198% 3199Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve. 3200Run with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be 3201strengthened. Keep the company of bums and you will become a bum. 3202Hang around with rich people and you will end by picking up the check 3203and dying broke. 3204 -- Stanley Walker 3205% 3206"At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from Los 3207Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head 3208under the exhaust of a bus until he revived." 3209% 3210At any given moment, an arrow must be either where it is or where it is 3211not. But obviously it cannot be where it is not. And if it is where 3212it is, that is equivalent to saying that it is at rest. 3213 -- Zeno's paradox of the moving (still?) arrow 3214% 3215At first, I just did it on weekends. With a few friends, you know... 3216We never wanted to hurt anyone. The girls loved it. We'd all sit 3217around the computer and do a little UNIX. It was just a kick. At 3218least that's what we thought. Then it got worse. 3219 3220It got so I'd have to do some UNIX during the weekdays. After a 3221while, I couldn't even wake up in the morning without having that 3222crave to go do UNIX. Then it started affecting my job. I would just 3223have to do it during my break. Maybe a `grep' or two, maybe a little 3224`more'. I eventually started doing UNIX just to get through the day. 3225Of course, it screwed up my mind so much that I couldn't even 3226function as a normal person. 3227 3228I'm lucky today, I've overcome my UNIX problem. It wasn't easy. If 3229you're smart, just don't start. Remember, if any weirdo offers you 3230some UNIX, 3231 3232 Just Say No! 3233% 3234At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial 3235challenge roughly comparable to herding cats. 3236 -- The Washington Post Magazine, June 9, 1985 3237% 3238"At least they're ___________EXPERIENCED incompetents" 3239% 3240At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his 3241thumb with a hammer. 3242 -- Marshall Lumsden 3243% 3244At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will 3245find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on 3246the computer. 3247% 3248Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole 3249or street lamp. 3250% 3251Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason. 3252 -- Winston Churchill 3253% 3254Authors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whatever 3255depths they were once able to plumb. 3256 -- Stanley Kaufman 3257% 3258Automobile, n.: 3259 A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down 3260pedestrians. 3261% 3262Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep. 3263 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 3264% 3265Avoid reality at all costs. 3266% 3267"Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but 3268we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you." 3269 -- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student 3270% 3271Bacchus, n.: 3272 A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for 3273getting drunk. 3274 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 3275% 3276Bagbiter: 3277 1. n.; Equipment or program that fails, usually 3278intermittently. 2. adj.: Failing hardware or software. "This 3279bagbiting system won't let me get out of spacewar." Usage: verges on 3280obscenity. Grammatically separable; one may speak of "biting the 3281bag". Synonyms: LOSER, LOSING, CRETINOUS, BLETCHEROUS, BARFUCIOUS, 3282CHOMPER, CHOMPING. 3283% 3284Bagdikian's Observation: 3285 Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American 3286newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a 3287ukelele. 3288% 3289Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry: 3290 A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides 3291by governors. 3292% 3293Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare. 3294% 3295Banectomy, n.: 3296 The removal of bruises on a banana. 3297 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 3298% 3299Bank error in your favor. Collect $200. 3300% 3301Barach's Rule: 3302 An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own 3303physician. 3304% 3305Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they point upward from the 3306floor -- especially in the dark. 3307% 3308Barometer, n.: 3309 An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we 3310are having. 3311 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 3312% 3313Barth's Distinction: 3314 There are two types of people: those who divide people into two 3315types, and those who don't. 3316% 3317Baruch's Observation: 3318 If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. 3319% 3320Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game -- it, and high 3321taxes. 3322 -- Will Rogers 3323% 3324Basic is a high level languish. 3325APL is a high level anguish. 3326% 3327"BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of `Scientific Creationism'." 3328% 3329Basic, n.: 3330 A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in 3331that those who have it will not admit it in polite company. 3332% 3333Bathquake, n.: 3334 The violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water 3335faucet is turned on to a certain point. 3336 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 3337% 3338Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your 3339door. 3340% 3341BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts ...) 3342% 3343Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely 3344get your Feet wet. Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your 3345face. 3346 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 3347% 3348Be braver -- you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps. 3349% 3350Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint. 3351 -- Mark Twain 3352% 3353Be different: conform. 3354% 3355Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so 3356get used to it. 3357% 3358Be security conscious -- National defense is at stake. 3359% 3360Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and 3361miss 3362 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 3363% 3364Bees are very busy souls 3365They have no time for birth controls 3366And that is why in times like these 3367There are so many Sons of Bees. 3368% 3369Begathon, n.: 3370 A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so 3371you won't have to watch commercials. 3372% 3373Behold the warranty ... the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh 3374away. 3375% 3376Beifeld's Principle: 3377 The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and 3378receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is 3379already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better 3380looking and richer male friend. 3381% 3382"Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!" <huff, huff> 3383% 3384Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone. 3385% 3386Bennett's Laws of Horticulture: 3387 (1) Houses are for people to live in. 3388 (2) Gardens are for plants to live in. 3389 (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant. 3390% 3391"Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence" 3392 -- Time Bandits 3393% 3394Berkeley had what we called "copycenter," which is "take it down 3395to the copy center and make as many copies as you want." 3396 -- Kirk McKusick 3397% 3398Besides the device, the box should contain: 3399 3400* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING" 3401 3402* A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two 3403 club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns. 3404 3405YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram 3406cable. 3407 3408IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your 3409spouse and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car 3410that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King 3411without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's 3412why." 3413 3414WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret. 3415 -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!" 3416% 3417Best of all is never to have been born. Second best is to die soon. 3418% 3419Better dead than mellow. 3420% 3421better !pout !cry 3422better watchout 3423lpr why 3424santa claus <north pole >town 3425 3426cat /etc/passwd >list 3427ncheck list 3428ncheck list 3429cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist 3430cat list | grep nice >giftlist 3431santa claus <north pole > town 3432 3433who | grep sleeping 3434who | grep awake 3435who | egrep 'bad|good' 3436for (goodness sake) { 3437 be good 3438} 3439% 3440Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson 3441Bay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. 3442Using a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and 3443great effort pushing boulders into a single word. 3444 3445It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow. 3446Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin 3447equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the 3448destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass 3449both Parliament and Party. 3450 3451It stands today, a monument to human spirit. If life exists on other 3452planets, this may be the first message received from us. 3453 -- The Realist, November, 1964. 3454% 3455"Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not 3456tried it." 3457 -- Donald Knuth 3458% 3459Beware of computerized fortune-tellers! 3460% 3461Beware of low-flying butterflies. 3462% 3463Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers. 3464 -- Leonard Brandwein 3465% 3466Beware of self-styled experts: an ex is a has-been, and a spurt is a 3467drip under pressure. 3468% 3469"Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and 3470finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full of 3471murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by 3472their ignorance the hard way." 3473 -- Kurt Vonnegut, "Cat's Cradle" 3474% 3475Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but 3476nothing of interest is easy. 3477% 3478Binary, adj.: 3479 Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes. 3480% 3481"Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same 3482thing as division." 3483% 3484Bipolar, adj.: 3485 Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo, 3486New York 3487% 3488Birth, n.: 3489 The first and direst of all disasters. 3490 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 3491% 3492Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic 3493% 3494Bizoos, n.: 3495 The millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a 3496basketball. 3497 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 3498% 3499Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt. 3500% 3501Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known as 3502Wheels. 3503% 3504BLISS is ignorance 3505% 3506Blood flows down one leg and up the other. 3507% 3508Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier. 3509% 3510Blore's Razor: 3511 Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is 3512funnier. 3513% 3514Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in 3515plain sight. It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again. The legend has 3516it that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. In fact, he was 3517arrested for drunk driving. The snakes left because people kept 3518throwing up on them. 3519% 3520Boling's postulate: 3521 If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it. 3522% 3523Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom: 3524 Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so 3525vividly manifests their lack of progress. 3526% 3527Bombeck's Rule of Medicine: 3528 Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. 3529% 3530BOO! We changed Coke again! BLEAH! BLEAH! 3531% 3532Boob's Law: 3533 You always find something in the last place you look. 3534% 3535Bore, n.: 3536 A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary. 3537 -- Walter Winchell 3538% 3539Bore, n.: 3540 A person who talks when you wish him to listen. 3541 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 3542% 3543Boren's Laws: 3544 (1) When in charge, ponder. 3545 (2) When in trouble, delegate. 3546 (3) When in doubt, mumble. 3547% 3548Boss, n.: 3549 According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages 3550the words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss, 3551in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an 3552ornamental stud." 3553% 3554Boston, n.: 3555 Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for 3556finishing second in the Irish jig competition. 3557% 3558Boston State House is the hub of the Solar System. You couldn't pry 3559that out of a Boston man if you had the tire of all creation 3560straightened out for a crowbar. 3561 -- O. W. Holmes 3562% 3563Boy, life takes a long time to live 3564 -- Steven Wright 3565% 3566Boy, n.: 3567 A noise with dirt on it. 3568% 3569Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least 3570when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years. 3571 -- James Thurber 3572% 3573Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men. 3574 -- Kin Hubbard 3575% 3576Brace yourselves. We're about to try something that borders on the 3577unique: an actually rather serious technical book which is not only 3578(gasp) vehemently anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides. I tend 3579to think of it as `Constructive Snottiness.' 3580 -- Mike Padlipsky, Foreword to "Elements of Networking 3581 Style" 3582% 3583Bradley's Bromide: 3584 If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a 3585committee -- that will do them in. 3586% 3587Brady's First Law of Problem Solving: 3588 When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more 3589easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have 3590handled this?" 3591% 3592Brain fried -- Core dumped 3593% 3594Brain, n.: 3595 The apparatus with which we think that we think. 3596 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 3597% 3598Brain, v. [as in "to brain"]: 3599 To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source of 3600error in an opponent. 3601 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 3602% 3603Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests, 3604since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind. 3605 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 3606% 3607Bride, n.: 3608 A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. 3609 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 3610% 3611Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may 3612revitalize the corner saloon. 3613% 3614British Israelites: 3615 The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of 3616Britain to be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by 3617Sargon of Assyria on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further 3618believe that the future can be foretold by the measurements of the 3619Great Pyramid, which probably means it will be big and yellow and in 3620the hand of the Arabs. They also believe that if you sleep with your 3621head under the pillow a fairy will come and take all your teeth. 3622 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 3623% 3624Broad-mindedness, n.: 3625 The result of flattening high-mindedness out. 3626% 3627Brontosaurus Principle: 3628 Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them 3629in relation to their environment and to their own physiology: when 3630this occurs, they are an endangered species. 3631 -- Thomas K. Connellan 3632% 3633Brooke's Law: 3634 Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool 3635discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it 3636beyond recognition. 3637% 3638Brooks's Law: 3639 Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later 3640% 3641Brucify, v: 3642 1: Kill by nailing onto style(9); "David O'Brien was brucified" 3643 2: Annoy constantly by reminding of potential improvements 3644 [syn: {torment}, {rag}, {tantalize}, {bedevil}, {dun}, 3645 {frustrate}] 3646 3: Fix problems that were indicated in an earlier brucification 3647 (of one of the two other meanings). 3648The word 'brucify' originally comes from the style-reviews of Bruce 3649Evans of the FreeBSD project, but is now also sometimes used for 3650reviews just done in his spirit. 3651% 3652Bubble Memory, n.: 3653 A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's 3654intelligence. See also "vacuum tube". 3655% 3656Bucy's Law: 3657 Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. 3658% 3659Bug, n.: 3660 An aspect of a computer program which exists because the 3661programmer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he 3662wrote the program. 3663 3664Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed. 3665 -- Ray Simard 3666% 3667Bugs, pl. n.: 3668 Small living things that small living boys throw on small 3669living girls. 3670% 3671BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the 3672 outfit." 3673GENERAL: "What does that make YOU?" 3674BULLWINKLE: "What else? An executive..." 3675 -- Jay Ward 3676% 3677Bumper sticker: 3678 3679"All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British 3680manufacture" 3681% 3682Bureaucrat, n.: 3683 A person who cuts red tape sideways. 3684 -- J. McCabe 3685% 3686Bureaucrat, n.: 3687 A politician who has tenure. 3688% 3689Bureaucrats cut red tape -- lengthwise. 3690% 3691Burn's Hog Weighing Method: 3692 (1) Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a 3693 sawhorse. 3694 (2) Put the hog on one end of the plank. 3695 (3) Pile rocks on the other end until the plank is again 3696 perfectly balanced. 3697 (4) Carefully guess the weight of the rocks. 3698 -- Robert Burns 3699% 3700"But don't you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations 3701paws." 3702% 3703"But I don't like Spam!!!!" 3704% 3705But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the 3706system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed, 3707analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses. 3708 -- Bruce Leverett, "Register Allocation in Optimizing 3709 Compilers" 3710% 3711"But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast 3712to the nearest gas station." 3713% 3714But scientists, who ought to know 3715Assure us that it must be so. 3716Oh, let us never, never doubt 3717What nobody is sure about. 3718 -- Hilaire Belloc 3719% 3720But soft you, the fair Ophelia: 3721Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws, 3722But get thee to a nunnery -- go! 3723 -- Mark "The Bard" Twain 3724% 3725But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who 3726was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal 3727education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in 37281877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of 3729American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was 3730invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he 3731invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant 3732adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends 3733electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the 3734electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant 3735part) sends it right back to the customer again. 3736 3737This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch 3738of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since 3739very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely. 3740In fact the last year any new electricity was generated in the United 3741States was 1937; the electric companies have been merely re-selling it 3742ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate 3743increases. 3744 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 3745% 3746"But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad 3747place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge. 3748Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge? What is a 3749kludge, after all, but not enough Ks, not enough ROMs, not enough RAMs, 3750poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around? Have I 3751explained yet about the bytes?" 3752% 3753"But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable 3754computers?" 3755% 3756Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes 3757Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn; 3758Less dear than army ants in apple pies 3759Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn, 3760Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit; 3761Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose 3762They suck, and like the double-breasted suit 3763Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose, 3764Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed; 3765And stem the produce of thy waspish wits: 3766Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed; 3767Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits. 3768Be off, I say; go bug somebody new, 3769Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you. 3770% 3771By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task 3772completely overwhelm you. 3773% 3774"By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote. In fact, 3775it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others as it is to 3776invent. (R. Emerson)" 3777 -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program 3778 (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.") 3779 [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to 3780 misconstrue all these misquotations?!?"] 3781% 3782"By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began 3783to suspect 'Hungry' ..." 3784 -- Gary Larson, "The Far Side" 3785% 3786By trying, we can easily learn to endure adversity -- another man's, I 3787mean. 3788 -- Mark Twain 3789% 3790Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to 3791point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very 3792fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are 3793often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people 3794from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B 3795that so many people from point A are so keen to get _____there. They often 3796wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell 3797they wanted to be. 3798 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 3799% 3800C, n.: 3801 A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more 3802like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or 3803anything else. It is either the best language available to the art 3804today, or it isn't. 3805 -- Ray Simard 3806% 3807Cabbage, n.: 3808 A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as 3809a man's head. 3810 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 3811% 3812"Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception." 3813 -- The mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989 3814% 3815Cahn's Axiom: 3816 When all else fails, read the instructions. 3817% 3818California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange. 3819 -- Fred Allen 3820% 3821California, n.: 3822 From Latin "calor", meaning "heat" (as in English "calorie" or 3823Spanish "caliente"); and "fornia'" for "sexual intercourse" or 3824"fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex." 3825 -- Ed Moran 3826% 3827Call on God, but row away from the rocks. 3828 -- Indian proverb 3829% 3830"Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missile sighted, target 3831Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept." 3832% 3833"Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle." 3834 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth 3835% 3836"Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth 3837Corner, Vermont." 3838 -- Clarence Darrow 3839% 3840Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two 3841points. 3842 -- M. M. Johnston 3843% 3844Canada Bill Jone's Motto: 3845 It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. 3846 3847Supplement: 3848 A .44 magnum beats four aces. 3849% 3850Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. It's 2 cents 3851for postage and 30 cents for storage. 3852 -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial 3853 Post 3854% 3855Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain? 3856Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes, 3857A root or two, a torus and a node: 3858The inverse of my verse, a null domain. 3859 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 3860% 3861CANCER (June 21 - July 22) 3862 You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's 3863problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things 3864off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare 3865recipients are Cancer people. 3866% 3867Canonical, adj.: 3868 The usual or standard state or manner of something. A true 3869story: One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some 3870annoyance at the use of jargon. Over his loud objections, we made a 3871point of using jargon as much as possible in his presence, and 3872eventually it began to sink in. Finally, in one conversation, he used 3873the word "canonical" in jargon-like fashion without thinking. 3874 Steele: "Aha! We've finally got you talking jargon too!" 3875 Stallman: "What did he say?" 3876 Steele: "He just used `canonical' in the canonical way." 3877% 3878CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19) 3879 You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do 3880much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any 3881importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as 3882they take root and become trees. 3883% 3884Captain Penny's Law: 3885 You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of 3886the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom. 3887% 3888Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than 3889expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to 3890complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their 3891planning to reduce the time it takes. 3892% 3893Carmel, New York, has an ordinance forbidding men to wear coats and 3894trousers that don't match. 3895% 3896Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.: 3897 The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a 3898dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then 3899putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. 3900 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 3901% 3902Cat, n.: 3903 Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer. 3904% 3905Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education. 3906 -- Mark Twain 3907% 3908Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health. 3909% 3910CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh.. 3911% 3912Cecil, you're my final hope 3913Of finding out the true Straight Dope 3914For I have been reading of Schrodinger's cat 3915But none of my cats are at all like that. 3916This unusual animal (so it is said) 3917Is simultaneously alive and dead! 3918What I don't understand is just why he 3919Can't be one or the other, unquestionably. 3920My future now hangs in between eigenstates. 3921In one I'm enlightened, in the other I ain't. 3922If *you* understand, Cecil, then show me the way 3923And rescue my psyche from quantum decay. 3924But if this queer thing has perplexed even you, 3925Then I will *___and* I won't see you in Schrodinger's zoo. 3926 -- Randy F., Chicago, "The Straight Dope, a compendium 3927 of human knowledge" by Cecil Adams 3928% 3929Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch. 3930% 3931Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the 3932center of the universe. The premise is wrong, but the navigation 3933works. An incorrect model can be a useful tool. 3934 -- Kelvin Throop III 3935% 3936Census Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, 3937how many? 3938% 3939Cerebus: I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel. 3940Jaka: Look, Cerebus-- Jaka has to tell you ... something 3941Cerebus: If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy 3942 out of it? 3943Jaka: Ugh! 3944Cerebus: You don't like apricot brandy? 3945 -- Cerebus #6, "The Secret" 3946% 3947Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long 3948walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They 3949then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy 3950health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, 3951not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find 3952only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the 3953others who have tried it. 3954 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 3955% 3956Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny-- 3957 Did you ever try buying them without money? 3958 -- Ogden Nash 3959% 3960Character Density, n.: 3961 The number of very weird people in the office. 3962% 3963Checkuary, n.: 3964 The thirteenth month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and 3965ends when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his 3966checks. 3967% 3968Chef, n.: 3969 Any cook who swears in French. 3970% 3971Chemicals, n.: 3972 Noxious substances from which modern foods are made. 3973% 3974Chemistry is applied theology. 3975 -- Augustus Stanley Owsley III 3976% 3977Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire. 3978% 3979Chicago, n.: 3980 Where the dead still vote ... early and often! 3981% 3982Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36: 3983 Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn 3984headgear where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer". 3985 -- Chicago Reader 3/27/81 3986% 3987Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84: 3988 The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request 3989for overheated passengers. When your timer pops up, the driver will 3990cheerfully baste you. 3991 -- Chicago Reader 5/28/82 3992% 3993Chicken Little only has to be right once. 3994% 3995Chicken Little was right. 3996% 3997Chicken Soup, n.: 3998 An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin, 3999cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup can't cure 4000is neurotic dependence on one's mother. 4001 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 4002% 4003Children are natural mimic who act like their parents despite every 4004effort to teach them good manners. 4005% 4006Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're 4007going to catch you in next. 4008 -- Franklin P. Jones 4009% 4010Children aren't happy without something to ignore, 4011And that's what parents were created for. 4012 -- Ogden Nash 4013% 4014Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for 4015word what you shouldn't have said. 4016% 4017Chism's Law of Completion: 4018 The amount of time required to complete a government project is 4019precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it. 4020% 4021Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law: 4022 When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will. 4023% 4024Chivalry, Schmivalry! 4025 Roger the thief has a 4026 method he uses for 4027 sneaky attacks: 4028Folks who are reading are 4029 Characteristically 4030 Always Forgetting to 4031 Guard their own bac ... 4032% 4033Christ: 4034 A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time. 4035% 4036Churchill's Commentary on Man: 4037 Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the 4038time he will pick himself up and continue on. 4039% 4040Cigarette, n.: 4041 A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in 4042between. 4043% 4044Cinemuck, n.: 4045 The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which 4046covers the floors of movie theaters. 4047 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 4048% 4049Clairvoyant, n.: 4050 A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that 4051which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead. 4052 -- Ambrose Bierce 4053% 4054Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like 4055shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. 4056 -- Phyllis Diller 4057% 4058Cleanliness is next to impossible. 4059% 4060"Cleveland? Yes, I spent a week there one day." 4061% 4062Cleveland still lives. God ____must be dead. 4063% 4064Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery. 4065% 4066Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on 4067society. 4068 -- Mark Twain 4069% 4070COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance. 4071% 4072Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan. 4073% 4074Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- 4075"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am." 4076 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 4077% 4078"Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong." 4079 -- Blair Houghton 4080% 4081Coincidence, n.: 4082 You weren't paying attention to the other half of what was 4083going on. 4084% 4085Coincidences are spiritual puns. 4086 -- G. K. Chesterton 4087% 4088Cold, adj.: 4089 When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions. 4090% 4091Cold, adj.: 4092 When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own 4093pockets. 4094% 4095Collaboration, n.: 4096 A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the 4097other fellow can spell. 4098% 4099College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the 4100faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if 4101the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms, 4102legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the 4103loss to humanity. 4104 -- H. L. Mencken 4105% 4106Colvard's Logical Premises: 4107 All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it 4108 won't. 4109 4110Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary: 4111 This is especially true when dealing with someone you're 4112 attracted to. 4113 4114Grelb's Commentary 4115 Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you. 4116% 4117Come, every frustum longs to be a cone, 4118And every vector dreams of matrices. 4119Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze: 4120It whispers of a more ergodic zone. 4121 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 4122% 4123Come, let us hasten to a higher plane, 4124Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn, 4125Their indices bedecked from one to _n, 4126Commingled in an endless Markov chain! 4127 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 4128% 4129Command, n.: 4130 Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in 4131such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control. 4132% 4133Commitment, n.: 4134 Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs. 4135The chicken was involved, the pig was committed. 4136% 4137Committee, n.: 4138 A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group 4139decide that nothing can be done. 4140 -- Fred Allen 4141% 4142Committee Rules: 4143 (1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner. 4144 (2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this 4145 stamps you as being wise. 4146 (3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the 4147 others. 4148 (4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed. 4149 (5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you 4150 popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for. 4151% 4152Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to 4153be appointed to do the work. 4154% 4155Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at 4156different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing. 4157 -- Clive James 4158% 4159Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius. 4160 -- Josh Billings 4161% 4162Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. 4163 -- Albert Einstein 4164% 4165Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness 4166of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule." 4167 -- David Guaspari 4168% 4169Computer programmers do it byte by byte 4170% 4171Computer Science is merely the post-Turing decline in formal systems 4172theory. 4173% 4174Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. 4175% 4176Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. 4177 -- Pablo Picasso 4178% 4179Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in 4180the world that just don't add up. 4181% 4182Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more 4183than the estimate the job will cost. 4184% 4185Conceit causes more conversation than wit. 4186 -- LaRouchefoucauld 4187% 4188Concept, n.: 4189 Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than 4190$25,000. 4191% 4192Condense soup, not books! 4193% 4194Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is 4195good for dandruff. 4196 -- Peter de Vries 4197% 4198Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the 4199situation. 4200% 4201Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that 4202would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that 4203you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer 4204maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS 4205OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY 4206UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED 4207IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD 4208WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND 4209SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, 4210RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, 4211RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE 4212FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT? 4213 -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!" 4214% 4215Connector Conspiracy, n: 4216 [probably came into prominence with the appearance of the 4217KL-10, none of whose connectors match anything else] The tendency of 4218manufacturers (or, by extension, programmers or purveyors of anything) 4219to come up with new products which don't fit together with the old 4220stuff, thereby making you buy either all new stuff or expensive 4221interface devices. 4222% 4223Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends. 4224 -- H. L. Mencken 4225% 4226Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking 4227 -- H. L. Mencken 4228% 4229Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. 4230% 4231Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you 4232wish you weren't. 4233% 4234"Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich." 4235 -- "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones] 4236% 4237Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then 4238give it back to them. 4239% 4240"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and 4241if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!" 4242 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" 4243% 4244"Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern 4245technology. Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat." 4246% 4247Conversation, n.: 4248 A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath 4249is called the listener. 4250% 4251Conway's Law: 4252 In any organization there will always be one person who knows 4253 what is going on. 4254 4255 This person must be fired. 4256% 4257Coronation, n.: 4258 The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and 4259visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite 4260bomb. 4261 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 4262% 4263Corrupt, adj.: 4264 In politics, holding an office of trust or profit. 4265% 4266Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a 4267muddle of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can 4268make of capitalism. 4269 -- Walter Lippmann 4270% 4271Corruption is not the #1 priority of the Police Commissioner. His job 4272is to enforce the law and fight crime. 4273 -- P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan 4274% 4275Court, n.: 4276 A place where they dispense with justice. 4277 -- Arthur Train 4278% 4279Coward, n.: 4280 One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. 4281 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 4282% 4283Crash programs fail because they are based on the theory that, with 4284nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month. 4285 -- Wernher von Braun 4286% 4287Crime does not pay ... as well as politics. 4288 -- A. E. Neuman 4289% 4290Critic, n.: 4291 A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries 4292to please him. 4293 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 4294% 4295Croll's Query: 4296 If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of? 4297% 4298cursor address, n: 4299 "Hello, cursor!" 4300 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 4301% 4302"Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It 4303eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the 4304business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation." 4305 -- Johnny Hart 4306% 4307Cynic, n.: 4308 A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not 4309as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking 4310out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision. 4311 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 4312% 4313Cynic, n.: 4314 One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced 4315eye. 4316% 4317Dare to be naive. 4318 -- R. Buckminster Fuller 4319% 4320Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie. 4321% 4322Dave Mack: "Your stupidity, Allen, is simply not up to par." 4323Allen Gwinn: "Yours is." 4324% 4325Dawn, n.: 4326 The time when men of reason go to bed. 4327 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 4328% 4329Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed. 4330% 4331%DCL-E-MEMBAD, bad memory 4332-SYSTEM-F-VMSPDGERS, pudding between the ears 4333% 4334Dealing with failure is easy: work hard to improve. Success is also 4335easy to handle: you've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to 4336improve. 4337% 4338Dear Lord: 4339 I just want *___one* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On 4340the other hand", again. 4341% 4342Dear Miss Manners: 4343 My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's 4344elbows on the table. However, I have read that one elbow, in between 4345courses, is all right. Which is correct? 4346 4347Gentle Reader: 4348 For the purpose of answering examinations in your home 4349economics class, your teacher is correct. Catching on to this 4350principle of education may be of even greater importance to you now 4351than learning correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners 4352believes that is. 4353% 4354Dear Miss Manners: 4355 Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from 4356your face. 4357 4358Gentle Reader: 4359 Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on 4360your face ... 4361% 4362Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part 4363of this complete breakfast". The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old 4364will be watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a 4365commercial for a children's compressed breakfast compound such as 4366"Froot Loops" or "Lucky Charms", and they always show it sitting on a 4367table next to some actual food such as eggs, and the announcer always 4368says: "Part of this complete breakfast". Don't that really mean, 4369"Adjacent to this complete breakfast", or "On the same table as this 4370complete breakfast"? And couldn't they make essentially the same claim 4371if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of shaving cream there, or a 4372dead bat? 4373 4374Answer: Yes. 4375 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" 4376% 4377Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe? 4378 4379Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business 4380signs to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a 4381word, as in: WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR 4382ANY ITEM'S. Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when 4383creating hand- lettered small-business signs is that you should put 4384quotation marks around random words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT 4385DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S. 4386 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" 4387% 4388Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy. 4389% 4390Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. 4391 -- R. Geis 4392% 4393Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings. 4394% 4395"Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'". 4396% 4397Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down 4398% 4399Death is only a state of mind. 4400 4401Only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else. 4402% 4403Death to all fanatics! 4404% 4405Decision maker, n.: 4406 The person in your office who was unable to form a task force 4407before the music stopped. 4408% 4409Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really 4410overwhelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene 4411language may not be used by contestants when addressing members of the 4412judging panel, or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when 4413addressing contestants (unless struck by a boomerang). 4414 -- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing 4415 Assoc. 4416% 4417"Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of 4418marvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a 4419theory", quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah, 4420those who can claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly 4421blessed. 4422 -- Randy Davis 4423% 4424default, n.: 4425 [Possibly from Black English "De fault wid dis system is you, 4426mon."] The vain attempt to avoid errors by inactivity. "Nothing will 4427come of nothing: speak again." -- King Lear. 4428 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 4429% 4430#define BITCOUNT(x) (((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255) 4431#define BX_(x) ((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777) \ 4432 - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333) \ 4433 - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111)) 4434 4435 -- really weird C code to count the number of bits in a word 4436% 4437Definitions of hardware and software for dummies: 4438 4439 Hardware is what you kick; 4440 Software is what you curse. 4441% 4442Deliberation, n.: 4443 The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is 4444buttered on. 4445 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 4446% 4447"Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow." 4448% 4449Demand the establishment of the government 4450in its rightful home at Disneyland. 4451% 4452Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than 4453we deserve. 4454 -- George Bernard Shaw 4455% 4456Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder 4457aloud what the country could do under first-class management. 4458 -- Senator Soaper 4459% 4460Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the 4461incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few. 4462 -- George Bernard Shaw 4463% 4464Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you 4465don't think. 4466% 4467Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by 4468Jackasses. 4469 -- H. L. Mencken 4470% 4471Democracy is good. I say this because other systems are worse. 4472 -- Jawaharlal Nehru 4473% 4474Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people 4475are right more than half of the time. 4476 -- E. B. White 4477% 4478Democracy, n.: 4479 A government of the masses. Authority derived through mass 4480meeting or any other form of direct expression. Results in mobocracy. 4481Attitude toward property is communistic... negating property rights. 4482Attitude toward law is that the will of the majority shall regulate, 4483whether it is based upon deliberation or governed by passion, 4484prejudice, and impulse, without restraint or regard to consequences. 4485Result is demagogism, license, agitation, discontent, anarchy. 4486 -- U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932), 4487 since withdrawn. 4488% 4489Demographic polls show that you have lost credibility across the 4490board. Especially with those 14 year-old Valley girls. 4491% 4492Dentist, n.: 4493 A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls 4494coins out of one's pockets. 4495 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 4496% 4497Despising machines to a man, 4498The Luddites joined up with the Klan, 4499 And ride out by night 4500 In a sheeting of white 4501To lynch all the robots they can. 4502 -- C. M. and G. A. Maxson 4503% 4504Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will 4505be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over 4506the table. 4507 -- The Anarchist Cookbook 4508% 4509DeVries's Dilemma: 4510 If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want 4511hits the paper. 4512% 4513Did I say 2? I lied. 4514% 4515Did you know that clones never use mirrors? 4516 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 4517% 4518Did you know that if you took all the economists in the world and lined 4519them up end to end, they'd still point in the wrong direction? 4520% 4521Did you know ... 4522 4523That no-one ever reads these things? 4524% 4525Did you know that the voice tapes easily identify the Russian pilot 4526that shot down the Korean jet? At one point he definitely states: 4527 4528 "Natasha! First we shoot jet, then we go after moose and 4529 squirrel." 4530 4531 -- ihuxw!tommyo 4532% 4533"Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a 4534conventional thing to happen to him." 4535 -- John Barrymore's dying words 4536% 4537Die, v.: 4538 To stop sinning suddenly. 4539 -- Elbert Hubbard 4540% 4541Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little. 4542% 4543Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term. 4544Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight. 4545% 4546Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock. 4547% 4548Disc space -- the final frontier! 4549% 4550Disclaimer: Any resemblance between the above views and those of my 4551employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely 4552coincidental. Any resemblance between the above and my own views is 4553non-deterministic. The question of the existence of views in the 4554absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader. 4555The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for 4556the second god coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal, 4557non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.) 4558% 4559Disclaimer: "These opinions are my own, though for a small fee they be 4560yours too." 4561 -- Dave Haynie 4562% 4563Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art. 4564% 4565Distinctive, adj.: 4566 A different color or shape than our competitors. 4567% 4568Distress, n.: 4569 A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend. 4570 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 4571% 4572District of Columbia pedestrians who leap over passing autos to escape 4573injury, and then strike the car as they come down, are liable for any 4574damage inflicted on the vehicle. 4575% 4576Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery? 4577% 4578Do molecular biologists wear designer genes? 4579% 4580Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them. 4581% 4582Do not drink coffee in early a.m. It will keep you awake until noon. 4583% 4584Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to 4585anger. 4586% 4587"Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good 4588with ketchup." 4589% 4590Do not read this fortune under penalty of law. 4591Violators will be prosecuted. 4592(Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.)) 4593% 4594Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight. 4595% 4596Do not try to solve all life's problems at once -- learn to dread each 4597day as it comes. 4598 -- Donald Kaul 4599% 4600Do something unusual today. Pay a bill. 4601% 4602Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum. 4603% 4604Do you have lysdexia? 4605% 4606Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take 4607the time to take the dirt out of them? 4608% 4609"Do you think what we're doing is wrong?" 4610"Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!" 4611"I've never done anything illegal before." 4612"I thought you said you were an accountant!" 4613% 4614Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and 4615when it is bad, it is better than nothing. 4616 -- Dick Brandon 4617% 4618Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must 4619be good because the programmers hate it so much. 4620% 4621Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? 4622% 4623Don: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill! Was she 4624 pretty? 4625W. C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of 4626 bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have to 4627 sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia. 4628Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative. 4629W. C.: It's almost impossible. 4630 -- W. C. Fields, from "The Further Adventures of Larson 4631 E. Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles" 4632% 4633Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow. 4634% 4635Don't be humble ... you're not that great. 4636 -- Golda Meir 4637% 4638Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say. 4639% 4640Don't change the reason, just change the excuses! 4641 -- Joe Cointment 4642% 4643"Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly, 4644sincerely, extremely dangerously. 4645 4646They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs. 4647They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They 4648used intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used 4649finks. They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used 4650fallaron. They used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. 4651They used the bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. 4652They used treachery. They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. 4653They used applied physics. They used techniques of criminology. And 4654what the hell, they caught him. 4655 4656 -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the 4657 Tick-Tock Man" 4658% 4659Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today! 4660% 4661Don't feed the bats tonight. 4662% 4663Don't get even -- get odd! 4664% 4665Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they can be terribly 4666misleading. Debug only code. 4667 -- Dave Storer 4668% 4669"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes 4670you nothing. It was here first." 4671 -- Mark Twain 4672% 4673Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while. 4674% 4675Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon. 4676% 4677Don't hit a man when he's down -- kick him; it's easier. 4678% 4679Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today. 4680% 4681Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam. 4682% 4683Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking 4684distance. 4685% 4686Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone. 4687% 4688Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you. 4689% 4690Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy 4691it today you can do it again tomorrow. 4692% 4693"Don't say yes until I finish talking." 4694 -- Darryl F. Zanuck 4695% 4696Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business. 4697Cheat. 4698 -- Ambrose Bierce 4699% 4700Don't suspect your friends -- turn them in! 4701 -- "Brazil" 4702% 4703Don't take life so serious, son, it ain't nohow permanent. 4704 -- Walt Kelly 4705% 4706Don't take life too seriously -- you'll never get out of it alive. 4707% 4708Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective. 4709% 4710"Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to 4711get more wax!!" 4712% 4713Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, it starts 4714avoiding you. 4715 -- The Old Farmer's Almanac 4716% 4717"Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any 4718good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats." 4719 -- Howard Aiken 4720% 4721Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already 4722tomorrow in Australia. 4723 -- Charles Schultz 4724% 4725Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too 4726busy worrying over what you are thinking about them. 4727% 4728Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in? 4729% 4730Double-Blind Experiment, n.: 4731 An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is 4732fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied by a 4733belief in the tooth fairy. 4734% 4735Down with categorical imperative! 4736% 4737"Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing." 4738% 4739Drew's Law of Highway Biology: 4740 The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front 4741of your eyes. 4742% 4743Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it *__is* fun trying. 4744% 4745Drive defensively. Buy a tank. 4746% 4747Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic 4748route! 4749% 4750Ducharme's Axiom: 4751 If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize 4752yourself as part of the problem. 4753% 4754Ducharme's Precept: 4755 Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. 4756% 4757Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and 4758it holds the universe together ... 4759 -- Carl Zwanzig 4760% 4761Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders 4762has been discontinued. 4763% 4764Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate 4765and captain of your soul. 4766% 4767Due to lack of disk space, this fortune database has been 4768discontinued. 4769% 4770During the next two hours, the system will be going up and down several 4771times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_~{o[po ~y oodsou>#w4k**n~po_~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o 4772% 4773"Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have 4774nothing whatever to do with it." 4775 -- W. Somerset Maugham 4776% 4777E Pluribus Unix 4778% 4779Eagleson's Law: 4780 Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more 4781months, might as well have been written by someone else. (Eagleson is 4782an optimist, the real number is more like three weeks.) 4783% 4784Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends 4785% 4786/earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can. 4787% 4788Earth is a beta site. 4789% 4790"Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun." 4791 -- Jeff Berner 4792% 4793Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube: 4794 Black. Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the 4795cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of 4796the plastic underneath -- black. According to the instructions, this 4797means the puzzle is solved. 4798 -- Steve Rubenstein 4799% 4800"Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work." 4801% 4802Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists. 4803 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 4804% 4805Economics, n.: 4806 Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J. K. 4807Galbraith ... 4808 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 4809% 4810Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy 4811would turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it 4812hasn't. 4813 -- Robert Orben 4814% 4815Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a 4816percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor. 4817 -- Edgar R. Fiedler 4818% 4819Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent. 4820 -- Fred Allen 4821% 4822Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine. 4823 -- Irsin Edman 4824% 4825Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak! 4826 -- Bullwinkle Moose 4827% 4828Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks. 4829 -- Adlai Stevenson 4830% 4831Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many 4832people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from. The first syllable 4833comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg". I don't know where 4834the "nog" comes from. 4835 4836To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine gin and, if they are in 4837season, eggs... 4838% 4839Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain 4840of being a damned fool. 4841 -- Bellamy Brooks 4842% 4843Egotist, n.: 4844 A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me. 4845 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 4846% 4847Ehrman's Commentary: 4848 (1) Things will get worse before they get better. 4849 (2) Who said things would get better? 4850% 4851Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees. 4852 -- Ronald Reagan, famous movie star 4853% 4854Eleanor Rigby 4855 Sits at the keyboard 4856 And waits for a line on the screen 4857Lives in a dream 4858Waits for a signal 4859 Finding some code 4860 That will make the machine do some more. 4861What is it for? 4862 4863All the lonely users, where do they all come from? 4864All the lonely users, why does it take so long? 4865% 4866Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance. 4867% 4868Electrocution, n.: 4869 Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements. 4870% 4871Elevators smell different to midgets 4872% 4873Emerson's Law of Contrariness: 4874 Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we 4875can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it. 4876% 4877Encyclopedia Salesmen: 4878 Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police 4879and tell them your house is being burgled. 4880 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 4881% 4882Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless. 4883Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop. 4884 -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary 4885% 4886Entropy isn't what it used to be. 4887% 4888Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which 4889otherwise require harder thinking. 4890 -- Jerome Lettvin 4891% 4892Epperson's law: 4893 When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably 4894something his wife can beat him at. 4895% 4896Equal bytes for women. 4897% 4898Error in operator: add beer 4899% 4900Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven 4901 Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben; 4902Und aller-m"umsige Burggoven 4903 Dir mohmen R"ath ausgraben. 4904 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" 4905% 4906Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. 4907 -- Woody Allen 4908% 4909Etymology, n.: 4910 Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that 4911were hard for the public to believe. The term "etymology" was formed 4912from the Latin "etus" ("eaten"), the root "mal" ("bad"), and "logy" 4913("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are hard to swallow." 4914 -- Mike Kellen 4915% 4916Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to 4917speak it to? 4918 -- Clarence Darrow 4919% 4920"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit 4921there." 4922 -- Will Rogers 4923% 4924"Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral." 4925 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 4926% 4927Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United 4928States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only two cents a 4929day. 4930% 4931Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you 4932just how busy they are. 4933% 4934Ever since prehistoric times, wise men have tried to understand what, 4935exactly, make people laugh. That's why they were called "wise men." 4936All the other prehistoric people were out puncturing each other with 4937spears, and the wise men were back in the cave saying: "How about: 4938Would you please take my wife? No. How about: Here is my wife, please 4939take her right now. No How about: Would you like to take something? 4940My wife is available. No. How about ..." 4941 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" 4942% 4943Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it. 4944% 4945Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt. 4946% 4947Every four seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this 4948woman and stop her. 4949% 4950"Every group has a couple of experts. And every group has at least one 4951idiot. Thus are balance and harmony (and discord) maintained. It's 4952sometimes hard to remember this in the bulk of the flamewars that all 4953of the hassle and pain is generally caused by one or two 4954highly-motivated, caustic twits." 4955 -- Chuq Von Rospach, about Usenet 4956% 4957Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired 4958signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not 4959fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not 4960spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the 4961genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way 4962of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is 4963humanity hanging on a cross of iron. 4964 -- Dwight Eisenhower, April 16, 1953 4965% 4966Every Horse has an Infinite Number of Legs (proof by intimidation): 4967 4968Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in 4969front they have fore-legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an 4970odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both even 4971and odd is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of 4972legs. Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere, 4973there is a horse that has a finite number of legs. But that is a horse 4974of another color, and by the [above] lemma ["All horses are the same 4975color"], that does not exist. 4976% 4977Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible. 4978 -- Frank Moore Colby 4979% 4980Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it. 4981% 4982Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own. 4983 -- Don Vonada 4984% 4985"Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95." 4986% 4987Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse. 4988 -- Miguel de Cervantes 4989% 4990"Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the 4991richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work" 4992 -- Robert Orben 4993% 4994Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an orthonormal basis. 4995 4996It makes sense, when you don't think about it. 4997% 4998Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one 4999instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every 5000program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work. 5001% 5002Every program has two purposes -- one for which it was written and 5003another for which it wasn't. 5004% 5005Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits. 5006% 5007Every solution breeds new problems. 5008% 5009Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no 5010guarantee of eventual success. 5011% 5012"Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it." 5013% 5014Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness. 5015 -- Beckett 5016% 5017Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. 5018 -- Dykstra 5019% 5020Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. 5021% 5022Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had to be 5023taught how ___not to. So it is with the great programmers. 5024% 5025Everyone is a genius. It's just that some people are too stupid to 5026realize it. 5027% 5028Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic 5029formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the 5030scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact 5031wholly unconcerned with what ____does exist. Indeed, the banality of 5032existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to 5033discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the 5034problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the 5035mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were all, 5036one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely 5037different way ... 5038 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 5039% 5040Everyone talks about apathy, but no one ____does anything about it. 5041% 5042Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately, 5043no one we know belongs. 5044% 5045Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being 5046that a belch is more satisfying. 5047 -- Ingmar Bergman 5048% 5049Everything journalists write is true, except when they write about 5050something you know. 5051 -- Dag-Erling Smorgrav, 5052 June 1999, FreeBSD-Stable Mailing List 5053% 5054Everything should be built top-down, except the first time. 5055% 5056Everything you know is wrong! 5057% 5058Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less 5059obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no 5060solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid. 5061There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no 5062straight lines. 5063 -- R. Buckminster Fuller 5064% 5065Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike office water cooler. 5066% 5067Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator. 5068% 5069Excellent day to have a rotten day. 5070% 5071Excellent time to become a missing person. 5072% 5073Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from 5074acquiring the deadening effect of a habit. 5075 -- W. Somerset Maugham 5076% 5077Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility. 5078% 5079Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do 5080the work. 5081 -- John G. Pollard 5082% 5083Expect the worst, it's the least you can do. 5084% 5085Expense Accounts, n.: 5086 Corporate food stamps. 5087% 5088Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 5089 -- Olivier 5090% 5091Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake 5092when you make it again. 5093 -- F. P. Jones 5094% 5095Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and 5096the instruction afterward. 5097% 5098Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old 5099ones. 5100% 5101Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else. 5102% 5103Experience varies directly with equipment ruined. 5104% 5105Expert, n.: 5106 Someone who comes from out of town and shows slides. 5107% 5108Extract from Official Sweepstakes Rules: 5109 5110 NO PURCHASE REQUIRED TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE 5111 5112To claim your prize without purchase, do the following: (a) Carefully 5113cut out your computer-printed name and address from upper right hand 5114corner of the Prize Claim Form. (b) Affix computer-printed name and 5115address -- with glue or cellophane tape (no staples or paper clips) -- 5116to a 3x5 inch index card. (c) Also cut out the "No" paragraph (lower 5117left hand corner of Prize Claim Form) and affix it to the 3x5 card 5118below your address label. (d) Then print on your 3x5 card, above your 5119computer-printed name and address the words "CARTER & VAN PEEL 5120SWEEPSTAKES" (Use all capital letters.) (e) Finally place 3x5 card 5121(without bending) into a plain envelope [NOTE: do NOT use the the 5122Official Prize Claim and CVP Perfume Reply Envelope or you may be 5123disqualified], and mail to: CVP, Box 1320, Westbury, NY 11595. Print 5124this address correctly. Comply with above instructions carefully and 5125completely or you may be disqualified from receiving your prize. 5126% 5127F: When into a room I plunge, I 5128 Sometimes find some VIOLET FUNGI. 5129 Then I linger, darkly brooding 5130 On the poison they're exuding. 5131 -- The Roguelet's ABC 5132% 5133f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd. 5134% 5135f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng. 5136% 5137F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm! 5138% 5139Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable. 5140% 5141Fairy Tale, n.: 5142 A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers. 5143% 5144Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic 5145without looking to see whether the seeds move. 5146% 5147Faith, n: 5148 That quality which enables us to believe what we know to be 5149untrue. 5150% 5151Fakir, n: 5152 A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost 5153religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources seem to 5154have shinnied up a rope and vanished. 5155% 5156Familiarity breeds attempt 5157% 5158Families, when a child is born 5159Want it to be intelligent. 5160I, through intelligence, 5161Having wrecked my whole life, 5162Only hope the baby will prove 5163Ignorant and stupid. 5164Then he will crown a tranquil life 5165By becoming a Cabinet Minister 5166 -- Su Tung-p'o 5167% 5168Famous, adj.: 5169 Conspicuously miserable. 5170 -- Ambrose Bierce 5171% 5172Famous last words: 5173% 5174Famous last words: 5175 (1) Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix. 5176 (2) Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there. 5177 (3) What happens if you touch these two wires tog-- 5178 (4) We won't need reservations. 5179 (5) It's always sunny there this time of the year. 5180 (6) Don't worry, it's not loaded. 5181 (7) They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager. 5182% 5183Famous last words: 5184 (1) "Don't worry, I can handle it." 5185 (2) "You and what army?" 5186 (3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be 5187 a cop." 5188% 5189Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the 5190Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. 5191Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an 5192utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life 5193forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches 5194are a pretty neat idea ... 5195 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 5196% 5197Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it 5198every six months. 5199 -- Oscar Wilde 5200% 5201Fats Loves Madelyn 5202% 5203Feel disillusioned? I've got some great new illusions ... 5204% 5205Fertility is hereditary. If your parents didn't have any children, 5206neither will you. 5207% 5208Fifth Law of Applied Terror: 5209 If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. 5210 5211Corollary: 5212 If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you 5213live. 5214% 5215Fifth Law of Procrastination: 5216 Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that 5217there is nothing important to do. 5218% 5219Fifty flippant frogs 5220Walked by on flippered feet 5221And with their slime they made the time 5222Unnaturally fleet. 5223% 5224Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North 5225Carolina. 5226% 5227Finagle's Creed: 5228 Science is true. Don't be misled by facts. 5229% 5230Finagle's First Law: 5231 If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. 5232% 5233Finagle's fourth Law: 5234 Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes 5235it worse. 5236% 5237Finagle's Second Law: 5238 No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be 5239someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it 5240happened according to his own pet theory. 5241% 5242Finagle's Third Law: 5243 In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, 5244 beyond all need of checking, is the mistake 5245 5246Corollaries: 5247 (1) Nobody whom you ask for help will see it. 5248 (2) The first person who stops by, whose advice you really 5249 don't want to hear, will see it immediately. 5250% 5251Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture 5252on a rock. 5253 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 5254% 5255Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can. 5256% 5257Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy. 5258% 5259Fine's Corollary: 5260 Functionality breeds Contempt. 5261% 5262Finish the sentence below in 25 words or less: 5263 5264 "Love is what you feel just before you give someone a good ..." 5265 5266Mail your answer along with the top half of your supervisor to: 5267 5268 P.O. Box 35 5269 Baffled Greek, Michigan 5270% 5271First, a few words about tools. 5272 5273Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of 5274the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously 5275injure yourself. Today, people tend to take tools for granted. If 5276you're ever walking down the street and you notice some people who look 5277particularly smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for 5278granted. If I were you, I'd walk right up and smack them in the face. 5279 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 5280% 5281First Corollary of Taber's Second Law: 5282 Machines that piss people off get murdered. 5283 -- Pat Taber 5284% 5285First Law of Bicycling: 5286 No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the 5287wind. 5288% 5289First Law of Procrastination: 5290 Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility 5291for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who imposed 5292the deadline). 5293% 5294First Law of Socio-Genetics: 5295 Celibacy is not hereditary. 5296% 5297First Rule of History: 5298 History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each 5299other. 5300% 5301"First things first -- but not necessarily in that order" 5302 -- Dr. Who, "Doctor Who" 5303% 5304Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity. 5305 -- Robert Firth 5306% 5307Flappity, floppity, flip 5308The mouse on the m"obius strip; 5309 The strip revolved, 5310 The mouse dissolved 5311In a chronodimensional skip. 5312% 5313FLASH! Intelligence of mankind decreasing. Details at ... uh, when 5314the little hand is on the .... 5315% 5316Flon's Law: 5317 There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is 5318the least bit difficult to write bad programs. 5319% 5320Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her 5321husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer! My joules! Someone has stolen my 5322joules!" 5323 5324"Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux 5325a moment. Perhaps they're mislead." 5326 5327"No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence. "I remember putting them 5328in my burette ... We must call a copper." 5329 5330Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms, 5331said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name 5332of Lawrence Ium. 5333 5334"We must be careful -- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and 5335dangerous. His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium. Maybe I can 5336catch him there." With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an 5337activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ... 5338 -- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations" 5339% 5340flowchart, n. & v.: 5341 [From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart 5342"a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."] 53431. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni construction 5344problems in which given algorithms require geometrical representation 5345using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI template. 2. n. Neronic 5346doodling while the system burns. 3. n. A low-cost substitute for 5347wallpaper. 4. n. The innumerate misleading the illiterate. "A 5348thousand pictures is worth ten lines of code." -- The Programmer's 5349Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps. 5. v.intrans. To produce 5350flowcharts with no particular object in mind. 6. v.trans. To obfuscate 5351(a problem) with esoteric cartoons. 5352 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 5353% 5354Flugg's Law: 5355 When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the 5356world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum. 5357% 5358Flying saucers on occasion 5359 Show themselves to human eyes. 5360Aliens fume, put off invasion 5361 While they brand these tales as lies. 5362% 5363Fog Lamps, n.: 5364 Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the 5365fronts of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the 5366driver's brain is in a fog. 5367 5368See also "Idiot Lights". 5369% 5370Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing. 5371 -- Walt Kelly, "Putluck Pogo" 5372% 5373For 20 dollars, I'll give you a good fortune next time ... 5374% 5375For a good time, call (510) 642-9483 5376% 5377For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a 5378cat. 5379% 5380"For an adequate time call 555-3321" 5381% 5382For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, since it must afterwards be 5383always old-fashioned. 5384% 5385For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, 5386and wrong. 5387 -- H. L. Mencken 5388% 5389For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill. 5390 -- R. Clopton 5391% 5392For large values of one, one equals two, for small values of two. 5393% 5394For my son, Robert, this is proving to be the high-point of his entire 5395life to date. He has had his pajamas on for two, maybe three days 5396now. He has the sense of joyful independence a 5-year-old child gets 5397when he suddenly realizes that he could be operating an acetylene torch 5398in the coat closet and neither parent [because of the flu] would have 5399the strength to object. He has been foraging for his own food, which 5400means his diet consists entirely of "food" substances which are 5401advertised only on Saturday-morning cartoon shows; substances that are 5402the color of jukebox lights and that, for legal reasons, have their 5403names spelled wrong, as in New Creemy Chok-'n'-Cheez Lumps o' Froot 5404("part of this complete breakfast"). 5405 -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide" 5406% 5407For perfect happiness, remember two things: 5408 (1) Be content with what you've got. 5409 (2) Be sure you've got plenty. 5410% 5411For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say 5412"Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something. 5413 -- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to 5414 the U.S. 5415% 5416For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz. 5417% 5418"For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the massive jobs of 5419a thousand years ago. Why not, then, the last step of doing away with 5420computers altogether?" 5421 -- Jehan Shuman 5422% 5423For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they 5424like. 5425 -- Abraham Lincoln 5426% 5427"For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but 5428phone calls taper off." 5429 -- Johnny Carson 5430% 5431For what it's worth, if you -can- get Michelle Pfeiffer to model 5432a latex daemon suit for the catalog, I strongly suggest you do. 5433Breasts can sell anything. Shiny red latex body suits start 5434religions. 5435 5436 -- Brian McGroarty <bvmcg@yahoo.com> 5437% 5438For years a secret shame destroyed my peace -- 5439I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece. 5440But now I think a thought that brings me hope: 5441Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope. 5442 -- Justin Richardson. 5443% 5444For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH! 5445% 5446Forgetfulness, n.: 5447 A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their 5448destitution of conscience. 5449% 5450Forms follow function, and often obliterate it. 5451% 5452fortune: cpu time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped. 5453% 5454FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS! #6 5455 5456RAZORBACK: Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min. 5457 One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's, and 5458 arguably the best movie ever made about a large, man-eating 5459 hog. Some violence. With Gregory Harrison. 5460% 5461Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samuri 5462sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles. 5463 5464Oh, and have a nice day! 5465 -- Bryce Nesbitt '84 5466% 5467fortune's Contribution of the Month to the Animal Rights Debate: 5468 5469 I'll stay out of animals' way if they'll stay out of mine. 5470 "Hey you, get off my plate" 5471 -- Roger Midnight 5472% 5473Fortune's Fictitious Country Song Title of the Week: 5474 "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?" 5475% 5476Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month): 5477 5478 Don't Write On Walls! 5479 5480 (and underneath) 5481 5482 You want I should type? 5483% 5484Fortune's Law of the Week (this week, from Kentucky): 5485 No female shall appear in a bathing suit at any airport in this 5486State unless she is escorted by two officers or unless she is armed 5487with a club. The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females 5488weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it 5489apply to female horses. 5490% 5491Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful 5492Morals goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan. During an 5493impassioned House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and 5494clam research," a sharp-eared informant transcribed the following 5495exchange between our hero and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan. 5496 5497DINGELL: There are places in the world at the present time where we are 5498 having to artificially propagate oysters and clams. 5499HOFFMAN: You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters? 5500DINGELL: They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter 5501 is that female oysters through their living habits cast out 5502 large amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large 5503 amounts of fertilization ... 5504HOFFMAN: Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many 5505 teenagers who read The Congressional Record. 5506% 5507Fortune's Office Door Sign of the Week: 5508 5509 Incorrigible punster -- Do not incorrige. 5510% 5511FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS #14 5512 5513Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to your good 5514liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert and 5515light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything 5516drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck. 5517% 5518Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #18: 5519 5520Q: Are you married? 5521A: No, I'm divorced. 5522Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him? 5523A: A lot of things I didn't know about. 5524% 5525Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #19: 5526 5527Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? 5528A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people. 5529% 5530Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #29: 5531 5532THE JUDGE: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present 5533 information and prejudice from your minds, if you have 5534 any ... 5535% 5536Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #32: 5537 5538Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now? 5539A: I will be three months November 8th. 5540Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th? 5541A: Yes. 5542Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time? 5543% 5544Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #37: 5545 5546Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears? 5547A: No. 5548Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears? 5549A: Picking them up in the air. 5550Q: Where was the dog at this time? 5551A: Attached to the ears. 5552% 5553Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #3: 5554 5555Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were 5556 able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to 5557 go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with 5558 him to the station? 5559MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot. 5560% 5561Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #41: 5562 5563Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? 5564A: By death. 5565Q: And by whose death was it terminated? 5566% 5567Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52: 5568 5569Q: What is your name? 5570A: Ernestine McDowell. 5571Q: And what is your marital status? 5572A: Fair. 5573% 5574Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #7: 5575 5576Q: What happened then? 5577A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify 5578 me." 5579Q: Did he kill you? 5580A: No. 5581% 5582Fourth Law of Applied Terror: 5583 The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology 5584instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. 5585 5586Corollary: 5587 Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do 5588except study for that instructor's course. 5589% 5590Fourth Law of Revision: 5591 It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about 5592interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for you. 5593% 5594Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: If the probability of success is not 5595almost one, it is damn near zero. 5596 -- David Ellis 5597% 5598Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a 5599policeman's tie. 5600% 5601FreeBSD: everything but the fairings 5602% 5603FreeBSD: Have you had your fairings today? 5604% 5605FreeBSD: It's 3am at night. Do you know where your fairings are? 5606% 5607Fresco's Discovery: 5608 If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored. 5609% 5610Friends, Romans, Hipsters, 5611Let me clue you in; 5612I come to put down Caesar, not to groove him. 5613The square kicks some cats are on stay with them; 5614The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caesar. The cool Brutus 5615Gave you the message: Caesar had big eyes; 5616If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea, 5617And, like, old Caesar really set them straight. 5618Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat; 5619So are they all, all cool cats, -- 5620Come I to make this gig at Caesar's laying down. 5621% 5622Frisbeetarianism, n.: 5623 The belief that when you die, your soul goes up the on roof and 5624gets stuck. 5625% 5626Frobnicate, v.: 5627 To manipulate or adjust, to tweak. Derived from FROBNITZ. 5628Usually abbreviated to FROB. Thus one has the saying "to frob a 5629frob". See TWEAK and TWIDDLE. Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK 5630sometimes connote points along a continuum. FROB connotes aimless 5631manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse 5632search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning. If someone is 5633turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it 5634he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the 5635screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because 5636turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it. 5637% 5638Frobnitz, pl. Frobnitzem (frob'nitsm) n.: 5639 An unspecified physical object, a widget. Also refers to 5640electronic black boxes. This rare form is usually abbreviated to 5641FROTZ, or more commonly to FROB. Also used are FROBNULE, FROBULE, and 5642FROBNODULE. Starting perhaps in 1979, FROBBOZ (fruh-bahz'), pl. 5643FROBBOTZIM, has also become very popular, largely due to its exposure 5644via the Adventure spin-off called Zork (Dungeon). These can also be 5645applied to non-physical objects, such as data structures. 5646% 5647From a Tru64 patch description: 5648 5649 Fixes a bug that causes a panic due to software error 5650% 5651[From an announcement of a congress of the International Ontopsychology 5652Association, in Rome]: 5653 5654The Ontopsychological school, availing itself of new research criteria 5655and of a new telematic epistemology, maintains that social modes do not 5656spring from dialectics of territory or of class, or of consumer goods, 5657or of means of power, but rather from dynamic latencies capillarized in 5658millions of individuals in system functions which, once they have 5659reached the event maturation, burst forth in catastrophic phenomenology 5660engaging a suitable stereotype protagonist or duty marionette (general, 5661president, political party, etc.) to consummate the act of social 5662schizophrenia in mass genocide. 5663% 5664From the "Guiness Book of World Records", 1973: 5665 5666Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and 5667the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the 5668Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his 5669candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground 5670nuts) Order, the expression nuts shall have reference to such nuts, 5671other than ground nuts, as would but for this amending Order not 5672qualify as nuts (unground)(other than ground nuts) by reason of their 5673being nuts (unground)." 5674% 5675From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was 5676convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. 5677 -- Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults" 5678% 5679[From the operation manual for the CI-300 Dot Matrix Line Printer, made 5680in Japan]: 5681 5682The excellent output machine of MODEL CI-300 as extraordinary DOT 5683MATRIX LINE PRINTER, built in two MICRO-PROCESSORs as well as EAROM, is 5684featured by permitting wonderful co-existence such as; "high quality 5685against low cost", "diversified functions with compact design", 5686"flexibility in accessibleness and durability of approx. 2000,000,00 5687Dot/Head", "being sophisticated in mechanism but possibly agile 5688operating under noises being extremely suppressed" etc. 5689 5690And as a matter of course, the final goal is just simply to help 5691achieve "super shuttle diplomacy" between cool data, perhaps earned by 5692HOST COMPUTER, and warm heart of human being. 5693% 5694From the Pro 350 Pocket Service Guide, p. 49, Step 5 of the 5695instructions on removing an I/O board from the card cage, comes a new 5696experience in sound: 5697 5698 5. Turn the handle to the right 90 degrees. The pin-spreading 5699 sound is normal for this type of connector. 5700% 5701From too much love of living, 5702From hope and fear set free, 5703We thank with brief thanksgiving, 5704Whatever gods may be, 5705That no life lives forever, 5706That dead men rise up never, 5707That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea. 5708 -- Swinburne 5709% 5710Fuch's Warning: 5711 If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well 5712enough to travel. 5713% 5714Fudd's First Law of Opposition: 5715 Push something hard enough and it will fall over. 5716% 5717Furbling, v.: 5718 Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank 5719even when you are the only person in line. 5720 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 5721% 5722Furious activity is no substitute for understanding. 5723 -- H. H. Williams 5724% 5725Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening. 5726% 5727G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: "Go on writing plays, my boy. One 5728of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his 5729secretary, `Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says 5730`No,' he will say, `Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.' And 5731that's your chance, my boy." 5732% 5733Garbage In -- Gospel Out. 5734% 5735Garter, n.: 5736 An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her 5737stockings and desolating the country. 5738 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 5739% 5740Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall 5741on our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!! 5742 -- Adventures of Asterix. 5743% 5744Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep". 5745 5746 Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound 5747than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference: 5748 "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling." 5749Obvious, isn't it? 5750 Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start 5751speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as 5752long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all 5753your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and 5754so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed 5755individuals and then grow ... 5756 Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those 5757signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when 5758everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on 5759the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs 5760backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? I 5761think not, my friend, I think not. 5762 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 5763% 5764"Gee, Toto, I don't think we are in Kansas anymore." 5765% 5766GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) 5767 You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you 5768because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much 5769for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for 5770committing incest. 5771% 5772GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20) 5773 Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while 5774you can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy praise 5775and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker. A short 5776trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room. 5777% 5778Genderplex, n.: 5779 The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to 5780determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and 5781tortoises). 5782 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 5783% 5784Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why 5785you should. 5786% 5787Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus 5788handicapped. 5789 -- Elbert Hubbard 5790% 5791Genius, n.: 5792 A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with 5793"bright". 5794% 5795George Orwell 1984. Northwestern 0. 5796 -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82 5797% 5798George Orwell was an optimist. 5799% 5800George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to 5801have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend. 5802 -- Ashley Cooper 5803% 5804Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics: 5805 (1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong 5806 direction. 5807 (2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place. 5808 (3) The energy required to change either one of these states 5809 will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so 5810 much as to make the task totally impossible. 5811% 5812Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty. 5813% 5814Get Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your children! 5815% 5816Ginsberg's Theorem: 5817 (1) You can't win. 5818 (2) You can't break even. 5819 (3) You can't even quit the game. 5820 5821Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem: 5822 Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem 5823 meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's 5824 Theorem. To wit: 5825 5826 (1) Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win. 5827 (2) Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break 5828 even. 5829 (3) Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the 5830 game. 5831% 5832Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh dome, and a place 5833to stand, and I will drain the world. 5834% 5835"Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war." 5836 -- Napolean 5837% 5838Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities! 5839% 5840Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving to 5841a new town. 5842% 5843Give your child mental blocks for Christmas. 5844% 5845"Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying 5846around, I'd rather lie around. No contest." 5847 -- Eric Clapton 5848% 5849Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden: 5850Languages whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful. The LISP 5851machine now permits LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf. 5852 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 5853% 5854Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability: 5855 Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the 5856probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some 5857useful work done. 5858% 5859Gnagloot, n.: 5860 A person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to 5861impress people. 5862 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 5863% 5864Go climb a gravity well! 5865% 5866Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may 5867be in owning a piece thereof. 5868 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 5869% 5870Go 'way! You're bothering me! 5871% 5872God did not create the world in seven days; he screwed around for six 5873days and then pulled an all-nighter. 5874% 5875God doesn't play dice. 5876 -- Albert Einstein 5877% 5878"God gives burdens; also shoulders" 5879 5880Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech at the 5881end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish saying; I 5882can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth though; why 5883would he lie about a thing like that? 5884 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 5885% 5886God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little ... 5887The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty ... I do 5888not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman 5889... not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on 5890smoking and drinking beer. But the man who cannot live on bread and 5891water is not fit to live! A family may live on good bread and water in 5892the morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at 5893night! 5894 -- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher 5895% 5896God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh. 5897% 5898God is a polytheist. 5899% 5900God is Dead 5901 -- Nietzsche 5902Nietzsche is Dead 5903 -- God 5904Nietzsche is God 5905 -- The Dead 5906% 5907God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's 5908% 5909God is real, unless declared integer. 5910% 5911God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the 5912elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying 5913other things. 5914 -- Pablo Picasso 5915% 5916God is the tangential point between zero and infinity. 5917 -- Alfred Jarry 5918% 5919God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place. 5920% 5921God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man. 5922% 5923God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board 5924 -- Mark Twain 5925% 5926God made the integers; all else is the work of Man. 5927 -- Kronecker 5928% 5929God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh. 5930% 5931God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean. 5932 -- Albert Einstein 5933% 5934God must love the Common Man; He made so many of them. 5935% 5936God rest ye CS students now, 5937Let nothing you dismay. 5938The VAX is down and won't be up, 5939Until the first of May. 5940The program that was due this morn, 5941Won't be postponed, they say. 5942 5943 Oh, tidings of comfort and joy, 5944 Comfort and joy, 5945 Oh, tidings of comfort and joy. 5946 5947The bearings on the drum are gone, 5948The disk is wobbling, too. 5949We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol 5950Can't tell false from true. 5951And now we find that we can't get 5952At Berkeley's 4.2. 5953 5954 (chorus) 5955% 5956Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to 5957school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a 5958person a car. 5959% 5960Gold, n.: 5961 A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It 5962is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich men who 5963immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, although gold 5964hasn't done anything to them. 5965 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 5966% 5967Goldenstern's Rules: 5968 (1) Always hire a rich attorney 5969 (2) Never buy from a rich salesman. 5970% 5971Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad 5972example. 5973 -- La Rouchefoucauld 5974% 5975Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall. 5976% 5977Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase. 5978% 5979Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school. 5980% 5981Good day to let down old friends who need help. 5982% 5983Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed. 5984% 5985Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day. 5986% 5987Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance. 5988% 5989Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's 5990new lover. 5991% 5992"Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored." 5993 -- George Saunders' dying words 5994% 5995Gordon's first law: 5996 If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing 5997well. 5998% 5999Gosh that takes me back... or is it forward? That's the trouble with 6000time travel, you never can tell." 6001 -- Dr. Who, "Androids of Tara" 6002% 6003//GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH 6004% 6005Got Mole problems? 6006Call Avogadro 6.02 x 10^23 6007% 6008Goto, n.: 6009 A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers 6010to complain about unstructured programmers. 6011 -- Ray Simard 6012% 6013Government [is] an illusion the governed should not encourage. 6014 -- John Updike, "Couples" 6015% 6016Government lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are 6017different lies. 6018% 6019Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know 6020any more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he 6021doesn't know much. 6022 -- Will Rogers 6023% 6024Grabel's Law: 6025 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2. 6026% 6027Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture. 6028% 6029Graduate life: It's not just a job. It's an indenture. 6030% 6031Grandpa Charnock's Law: 6032 You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 6033% 6034Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks. 6035% 6036Gray's Law of Programming: 6037 `_n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same 6038time as `_n' tasks. 6039 6040Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law: 6041 `_n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as `_n' trivial tasks. 6042% 6043Great minds run in great circles. 6044% 6045Green light in a.m. for new projects. Red light in P.M. for traffic 6046tickets. 6047% 6048Greener's Law: 6049 Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel. 6050% 6051Grelb's Reminder: 6052 Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above 6053average drivers. 6054% 6055"Grub first, then ethics." 6056 -- Bertolt Brecht 6057% 6058Gurmlish, n.: 6059 The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which 6060prevents the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his 6061mouth. 6062 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 6063% 6064Gyroscope, n.: 6065 A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also 6066free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each 6067other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two 6068mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the 6069other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus 6070offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any 6071torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin. 6072 -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary 6073% 6074H: If a 'GOBLIN (HOB) waylays you, 6075 Slice him up before he slays you. 6076 Nothing makes you look a slob 6077 Like running from a HOB'LIN (GOB). 6078 -- The Roguelet's ABC 6079% 6080H. L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H. L. 6081Mencken -- there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude. 6082 -- Maxwell Bodenheim 6083% 6084H. L. Mencken's Law: 6085 Those who can -- do. 6086 Those who can't -- teach. 6087 6088Martin's Extension: 6089 Those who cannot teach -- administrate. 6090% 6091Hacker's Law: 6092 The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a 6093nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions. 6094% 6095Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge. 6096% 6097Hail to the sun god 6098He sure is a fun god 6099Ra! Ra! Ra! 6100% 6101Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big 6102enough majority in any town? 6103 -- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn" 6104% 6105Half Moon tonight. (At least it's better than no Moon at all.) 6106% 6107Half-done: 6108 This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still 6109crunchy, light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference 6110between this and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like 6111the difference between life and death. 6112 You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill 6113there in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the 6114airport, fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough 6115Hall, transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on 6116Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk 6117about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the 6118man, "Let me have a nice half-done." 6119 Worth the trouble, wasn't it? 6120 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 6121% 6122Hall's Laws of Politics: 6123 (1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending. 6124 (2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want something 6125 fixed. 6126 (3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend 6127 military spending, and conservatives social spending in 6128 their own districts). 6129% 6130Hand, n.: 6131 A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and 6132commonly thrust into somebody's pocket. 6133 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 6134% 6135Hanlon's Razor: 6136 Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by 6137stupidity. 6138% 6139Hanson's Treatment of Time: 6140 There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days 6141before Saturday. 6142% 6143Happiness is having a scratch for every itch. 6144 -- Ogden Nash 6145% 6146Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember. 6147 -- Oscar Levant 6148% 6149Happiness, n.: 6150 An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of 6151another. 6152 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 6153% 6154Hard work may not kill you, but why take chances? 6155% 6156Hardware, n.: 6157 The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. 6158% 6159Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark 6160The Duke is fond of kittens 6161He likes to take their insides out 6162And use them for his mittens 6163 From "The Thirteen Clocks" 6164% 6165Hark, the Herald Tribune sings, 6166Advertising wondrous things. 6167 -- Tom Lehrer 6168% 6169Hark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender. You stand 6170convicted of sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want. 6171 -- Tobias Smollet 6172% 6173Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab: 6174 Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment 6175ruined. 6176% 6177Harris's Lament: 6178 All the good ones are taken. 6179% 6180Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he 6181makes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean 6182famous for its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses 6183probably stirs romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you 6184have never met any wild horses in person. In person, they are like 6185enormous hooved rats. They amble up to your camp site, and their 6186attitude is: "We're wild horses. We're going to eat your food, knock 6187down your tent and poop on your shoes. We're protected by federal law, 6188just like Richard Nixon." 6189 -- Dave Barry, "Tenting Grandpa Bob" 6190% 6191Hartley's First Law: 6192 You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float 6193on his back, you've got something. 6194% 6195Hartley's Second Law: 6196 Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. 6197% 6198Harvard Law: 6199 Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, 6200temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will 6201do as it damn well pleases. 6202% 6203"Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?" 6204"Yes, I don't have one." 6205"Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors ..." 6206 -- E. D'Azevedo, Computer Science 372 6207% 6208Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are 6209typed with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter 6210keyboard was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use 6211of both hands. It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is 6212not only unnatural, but a lot harder than it appears. 6213% 6214Hatred, n.: 6215 A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's 6216superiority. 6217 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 6218% 6219Have an adequate day. 6220% 6221Have people realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is 6222to defuse project tensions? When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a 6223non-cynical, or even an informative cookie? 6224 6225Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions. This 6226still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or 6227only serves to blunt the warning signs. 6228 6229 Long live the revolution! 6230 Have a nice day. 6231% 6232Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell 6233you, "There's a time for work and a time for play," never find the time 6234for play? 6235% 6236Have you ever wondered what makes Californians so calm? Besides drugs, 6237I mean. The answer is hot tubs. A hot tub is a redwood container 6238filled with water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite 6239sex, none of whom is necessarily your spouse. After a few hours in 6240their hot tubs, Californians don't give a damn about earthquakes or 6241mass murderers. They don't give a damn about anything , which is why 6242they are able to produce "Laverne and Shirley" week after week. 6243 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 6244% 6245"Have you lived here all your life?" 6246"Oh, twice that long." 6247% 6248Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a 6249crack in your sidewalk? 6250% 6251Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline 6252sharply the minute they start waving guns around? 6253 -- Dr. Who 6254% 6255Have you reconsidered a computer career? 6256% 6257HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science. 6258SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their ___OWN brains. 6259 -- Walt Kelley 6260% 6261"He did decide, though, that with more time and a great deal of mental 6262effort, he could probably turn the activity into an acceptable 6263perversion." 6264 -- Mick Farren, "When Gravity Fails" 6265% 6266"He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions" 6267% 6268He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation 6269perfectly delightful. 6270 -- Sydney Smith 6271% 6272He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild and 6273heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned all hope 6274of ever behaving "normally." 6275 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72" 6276% 6277He hadn't a single redeeming vice. 6278 -- Oscar Wilde 6279% 6280"He is now rising from affluence to poverty." 6281 -- Mark Twain 6282% 6283He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered. 6284% 6285He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace. 6286 -- John Mason Brown, drama critic 6287% 6288He thought he saw an albatross 6289That fluttered 'round the lamp. 6290He looked again and saw it was 6291A penny postage stamp. 6292"You'd best be getting home," he said, 6293"The nights are rather damp." 6294% 6295He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue. 6296 -- Jonathon Swift 6297% 6298"He was a modest, good-humored boy. It was Oxford that made him 6299insufferable." 6300% 6301"He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both 6302eyes ..." 6303% 6304He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry 6305attacks democracy itself. 6306 -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS 6307% 6308He who Laughs, Lasts. 6309% 6310Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 6311% 6312Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying 6313of nothing. 6314 -- Redd Foxx 6315% 6316Heaven, n.: 6317 A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of 6318their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you 6319expound your own. 6320 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 6321% 6322Heavy, adj.: 6323 Seduced by the chocolate side of the force. 6324% 6325"Heisenberg may have slept here" 6326% 6327Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned. 6328 -- Milton Friedman 6329% 6330Heller's Law: 6331 The first myth of management is that it exists. 6332 6333Johnson's Corollary: 6334 Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the 6335organization. 6336% 6337"Hello," he lied. 6338 -- Don Carpenter quoting a Hollywood agent 6339% 6340Help! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70! 6341% 6342HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN! 6343 -- E. E. CUMMINGS 6344% 6345Help a swallow land at Capistrano. 6346% 6347Help fight continental drift. 6348% 6349Help me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file! 6350% 6351Help stamp out and abolish redundancy. 6352% 6353Her locks an ancient lady gave 6354Her loving husband's life to save; 6355And men -- they honored so the dame -- 6356Upon some stars bestowed her name. 6357 6358But to our modern married fair, 6359Who'd give their lords to save their hair, 6360No stellar recognition's given. 6361There are not stars enough in heaven. 6362% 6363"Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from 6364Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth ..." 6365% 6366Here I sit, broken-hearted, 6367All logged in, but work unstarted. 6368First net.this and net.that, 6369And a hot buttered bun for net.fat. 6370 6371The boss comes by, and I play the game, 6372Then I turn back to net.flame. 6373Is there a cure (I need your views), 6374For someone trapped in net.news? 6375 6376I need your help, I say 'tween sobs, 6377'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs. 6378% 6379Here in my heart, I am Helen; 6380 I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least. 6381I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Sta"el; 6382 I'm Salome, moon of the East. 6383 6384Here in my soul I am Sappho; 6385 Lady Hamilton am I, as well. 6386In me R'ecamier vies with Kitty O'Shea, 6387 With Dido, and Eve, and poor nell. 6388 6389I'm all of the glamorous ladies 6390 At whose beckoning history shook. 6391But you are a man, and see only my pan, 6392 So I stay at home with a book. 6393 -- Dorothy Parker 6394% 6395Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical 6396lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach 6397your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. 6398Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in 6399pain? This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, 6400but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an 6401important electrical lesson. 6402 6403It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed 6404your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small 6405objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will 6406attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and 6407collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your 6408friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the 6409carpet, thus completing the circuit. 6410 6411Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without 6412touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your 6413finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you 6414have carpeting. 6415 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 6416% 6417"Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 6418`Psychic Wins Lottery'?" 6419 -- Jay Leno 6420% 6421"He's just a politician trying to save both his faces ..." 6422% 6423He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd be 6424there ... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter. 6425% 6426"He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is ..." 6427% 6428Heuristics are bug ridden by definition. If they didn't have bugs, 6429then they'd be algorithms. 6430% 6431"Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!" 6432 -- W. C. Fields 6433% 6434"Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. 6435As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of 6436equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. 6437Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever walk around? If so, you 6438probably have the makings of an excellent legal case. Although of 6439course every case is different, I would definitely say that based on my 6440experience and training, there's no reason why you shouldn't come out 6441of this thing with at least a cabin cruiser. 6442 6443"Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our 6444motto is: 'It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.'" 6445 -- Dave Barry, "Pain and Suffering" 6446% 6447Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person 6448reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes, 6449nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home. 6450% 6451Hier liegt ein Mann ganz ohnegleich; 6452Im Leibe dick, an Suenden reich. 6453Wir haben ihn in das Grab gesteckt, Here lies a man with sundry flaws 6454Weil es uns duenkt er sei verreckt. And numerous Sins upon his head; 6455 We buried him today because 6456 As far as we can tell, he's dead. 6457 -- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty 6458 Sue Bach and written by the local doggerel catcher; 6459 "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter 6460 Schickele 6461% 6462Higgeldy Piggeldy, 6463Hamlet of Elsinore 6464Ruffled the critics by 6465Dropping this bomb: 6466"Phooey on Freud and his 6467Psychoanalysis -- 6468Oedipus, Shmoedipus, 6469I just love Mom." 6470% 6471Hindsight is an exact science. 6472% 6473Hippogriff, n.: 6474 An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. 6475The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle. 6476The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter eagle, which 6477is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is full 6478of surprises. 6479 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 6480% 6481Hire the morally handicapped. 6482% 6483"His great aim was to escape from civilization, and, as soon as he had 6484money, he went to Southern California." 6485% 6486"His mind is like a steel trap -- full of mice" 6487 -- Foghorn Leghorn 6488% 6489"His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier." 6490% 6491History is curious stuff 6492 You'd think by now we had enough 6493Yet the fact remains I fear 6494 They make more of it every year. 6495% 6496History, n.: 6497 Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we 6498learn nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from 6499what happened this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long 6500view. 6501 -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab" 6502% 6503History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history. 6504% 6505Hlade's Law: 6506 If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they 6507will find an easier way to do it. 6508% 6509Hoare's Law of Large Problems: 6510 Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get 6511out. 6512% 6513Hofstadter's Law: 6514 It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take 6515Hofstadter's Law into account. 6516% 6517Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it. 6518 -- Rex Reed 6519% 6520Home of Doberman Propulsion Laboratories: 6521The ultimate in watchdog weaponry. 6522 -- Chris Shaw 6523% 6524"Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense" 6525% 6526Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people. 6527 -- F. M. Hubbard 6528% 6529Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..." 6530% 6531Honk if you love peace and quiet. 6532% 6533Honorable, adj.: 6534 Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative 6535bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the 6536honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur." 6537 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 6538% 6539Horngren's Observation: 6540 Among economists, the real world is often a special case. 6541% 6542Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on 6543people. 6544 -- W. C. Fields 6545% 6546Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa. 6547% 6548"Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed." 6549 -- Neil Armstrong 6550% 6551How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all? 6552% 6553How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers? 6554% 6555How come wrong numbers are never busy? 6556% 6557"How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows." 6558% 6559How do you explain school to a higher intelligence? 6560 -- Elliot, "E.T." 6561% 6562How doth the little crocodile 6563 Improve his shining tail, 6564And pour the waters of the Nile 6565 On every golden scale! 6566 6567How cheerfully he seems to grin, 6568 How neatly spreads his claws, 6569And welcomes little fishes in, 6570 With gently smiling jaws! 6571 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland" 6572% 6573How doth the VAX's C compiler 6574Improve its object code. 6575And even as we speak does it 6576Increase the system load. 6577 6578How patiently it seems to run 6579And spit out error flags, 6580While users, with frustration, all 6581Tear their clothes to rags. 6582% 6583How doth the VAX's C-compiler 6584Improve its object code. 6585And even as we speak does it 6586Increase the system load. 6587 6588How patiently it seems to run 6589And spit out error flags, 6590While users, with frustration, all 6591Tear all their clothes to rags. 6592% 6593How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're 6594on. 6595% 6596How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? 6597None: "We'll fix it in software." 6598 6599How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? 6600None: "We'll document it in the manual." 6601 6602How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb? 6603None: "The user can work it out." 6604% 6605"How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being 6606carried by a waiter at a nice party?" 6607 6608Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors 6609d'oeuvre. If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell 6610what's inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then 6611say: "This is cheese! I hate cheese!" Then you put the rest of it 6612back on the tray and bite another one and go, "Darn it! Another 6613cheese!" and so on. 6614 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" 6615% 6616How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to 6617Dayton? 6618 -- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey 6619% 6620How to become a sysop: 6621 I grew a beard, started wearing only t-shirts and jeans, and 6622 developed a surly attitude. The group accepted me, and I've never 6623 worked a full day in my life since then. 6624 -- rho/slashdot 6625% 6626How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers. 6627% 6628HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: 6629 #1040 Your income tax refund cheque bounces. 6630% 6631HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: 6632 #15 Your pet rock snaps at you. 6633% 6634HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: 6635 6636 #32: You call your answering service and they've never heard of 6637 you. 6638% 6639Howe's Law: 6640 Everyone has a scheme that will not work. 6641% 6642However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my traditional 6643manner ... sulking and nausea. 6644 -- Tom K. Ryan 6645% 6646HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., 6647motion that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate 6648amendment making changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. 6649The Senate amendment was an amendment to the House amendment to the 6650Senate amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the 6651bill. The original Senate amendment was the conference agreement on 6652the bill. Agreed to. 6653 -- Albuquerque Journal 6654% 6655Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill. 6656% 6657Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in 66581929. Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an 6659operating table to prevent his interference, he placed a urethral 6660catheter into a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of 6661his heart], and walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took 6662the confirmatory x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the 6663Nobel Prize. 6664% 6665Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs. 6666% 6667"Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse." 6668 -- William Gilbert 6669% 6670Hurewitz's Memory Principle: 6671 The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional 6672to ..... to ........ uh .............. 6673% 6674I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a 6675professor or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any 6676other minority viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority. 6677 -- Richard M. Nixon 6678 6679What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism? 6680 -- Richard M. Nixon 6681% 6682I am a PC technician - however, this has unfortunately caused my 6683computer to be running Win98. 6684 -- seen on a FreeBSD mailing-list 6685% 6686"I am convinced that the manufacturers of carpet odor removing powder 6687have included encapsulated time released cat urine in their products. 6688This technology must be what prevented its distribution during my mom's 6689reign. My carpet smells like piss, and I don't have a cat. Better go 6690buy some more." 6691 -- timw@zeb.USWest.COM 6692% 6693"I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, 6694of pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell 6695you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial 6696atomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something 6697inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering." 6698 -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado", Gilbert & Sullivan 6699% 6700I am more bored than you could ever possibly be. Go back to work. 6701% 6702"I am not an Economist. I am an honest man!" 6703 -- Paul McCracken 6704% 6705"I am not now, and never have been, a girlfriend of Henry Kissinger." 6706 -- Gloria Steinem 6707% 6708I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the demigodic party. 6709 -- Dennis Ritchie 6710% 6711"I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it." 6712 -- English Professor 6713% 6714"I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the 6715great ordeal of meeting me is another matter." 6716 -- Winston Churchill 6717% 6718"I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone 6719has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top." 6720 -- English Professor, Ohio University 6721% 6722I am so optimistic about beef prices that I've just leased a pot roast 6723with an option to buy. 6724% 6725"I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater." 6726% 6727"I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of 6728the sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for 6729you are loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway." 6730 -- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy, 6731 University of Tennessee at Knoxville 6732% 6733"I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an 6734argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and 6735steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, 6736they don't even invite me." 6737 -- Dave Barry 6738% 6739"I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean." 6740 -- G. K. Chesterton 6741% 6742"I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat." 6743 -- Will Rogers 6744% 6745"I bet the human brain is a kludge." 6746 -- Marvin Minsky 6747% 6748I brake for chezlogs! 6749% 6750I call them as I see them. If I can't see them, I make them up. 6751 -- Biff Barf 6752% 6753I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan 6754prostitute dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very 6755bored with washing and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after 6756relentless day. 6757 -- Betty MacDonald 6758% 6759I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself. 6760% 6761"I can remember when a good politician had to be 75 percent ability and 676225 percent actor, but I can well see the day when the reverse could be 6763true." 6764 -- Harry Truman 6765% 6766"I can resist anything but temptation." 6767% 6768"I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions." 6769 -- Lillian Hellman 6770% 6771I cannot conceive that anybody will require multiplications at the rate 6772of 40,000 or even 4,000 per hour ... 6773 -- F. H. Wales (1936) 6774% 6775I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar. 6776 6777What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good 6778grammar. For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause 6779of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the 6780United States would have lost World War II." 6781 -- Dave Barry, "An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar" 6782% 6783"I can't complain, but sometimes I still do." 6784 -- Joe Walsh 6785% 6786"I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling." 6787 -- Florence Henderson 6788% 6789I can't understand it. I can't even understand the people who can 6790understand it. 6791 -- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands. 6792% 6793I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a 6794novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. 6795 -- Fred Allen 6796% 6797I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather 6798dance with the cows till you come home. 6799 -- Groucho Marx 6800% 6801"I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps 6802the time I found out that M&Ms really *do* melt in your hand ..." 6803 -- Peter Oakley 6804% 6805"I didn't know it was impossible when I did it." 6806% 6807I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions. The 6808curtain was up. 6809% 6810I do hate sums. There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an 6811exact science. There are permutations and aberrations discernible to 6812minds entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary 6813accountants fail to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a 6814mind like mine to perceive. For instance, if you add a sum from the 6815bottom up, and then again from the top down, the result is always 6816different. 6817 -- Mrs. La Touche (19th cent.) 6818% 6819"I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them." 6820 -- Isaac Asimov 6821% 6822"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us 6823with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forego their use." 6824 -- Galileo Galilei 6825% 6826"I do not know myself, and God forbid that I should." 6827 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 6828% 6829"I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians 6830don't believe in astrology." 6831 -- James R. F. Quirk 6832% 6833I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all just 6834a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell more 6835numbers!! 6836% 6837I don't care for the Sugar Smacks commercial. I don't like the idea of 6838a frog jumping on my Breakfast. 6839 -- Lowell, Chicago Reader 10/15/82 6840% 6841"I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the 6842nominating" 6843 -- Boss Tweed 6844% 6845"I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem." 6846 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 6847% 6848"I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got hundreds of 6849people waiting to abuse me." 6850 -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters" 6851% 6852I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to. 6853 -- Elvis Presley 6854% 6855"I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd 6856eat it, and I just hate it." 6857 -- Clarence Darrow 6858% 6859"I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path." 6860 -- Ronald Mabbitt 6861% 6862I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the 6863streets and frighten the horses. 6864 -- Victor Hugo 6865% 6866"I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!?" 6867% 6868"I don't think so," said Ren'e Descartes. Just then, he vanished. 6869% 6870"I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the other 6871hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out." 6872% 6873I don't want to alarm anybody, but there is an excellent chance that 6874the Earth will be destroyed in the next several days. Congress is 6875thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists 6876broadcast signals to alien beings. This would be a large mistake. 6877Alien beings have nuclear blaster death cannons. You cannot cut off 6878their federal programs as if they were merely poor people ... 6879 -- Davy Barry, "THE ALIENS ARE COMING, THE ALIENS ARE 6880 COMING!" 6881% 6882I doubt, therefore I might be. 6883% 6884"I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business 6885on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment 6886he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual 6887becoming, with a goal in front and not behind." 6888 -- George Bernard Shaw 6889% 6890"I drink to make other people interesting." 6891 -- George Jean Nathan 6892% 6893I fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamt that I was reading on, 6894so I woke up from sheer boredom. 6895% 6896I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the 6897accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For 6898the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that 6899can't be measured in monetary terms. 6900 6901Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to have 6902that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came by 6903subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot should 6904someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly 6905understand his long delay. 6906% 6907"I found out why my car was humming. It had forgotten the words." 6908% 6909"I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very 6910reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment." 6911 -- Gotama Buddha 6912% 6913I gave up Smoking, Drinking and Sex. It was the most *__________horrifying* 20 6914minutes of my life! 6915% 6916'I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it." 6917 -- Mae West 6918% 6919I get up each morning, gather my wits. 6920 Pick up the paper, read the obits. 6921If I'm not there I know I'm not dead. 6922 So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed. 6923% 6924I get up each morning, gather my wits. 6925Pick up the paper, read the obits. 6926If I'm not there I know I'm not dead. 6927So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed. 6928 6929Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent? 6930My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went. 6931But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin, 6932And think of the places my get-up has been. 6933 -- Pete Seeger 6934% 6935"I had to censor everything my sons watched ... even on the Mary Tyler 6936Moore show I heard the word 'damn'!" 6937 -- Mary Lou Bax 6938% 6939"I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense." 6940% 6941"I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means 6942it's going to be up all night." 6943 -- Steven Wright 6944% 6945"I hate quotations." 6946 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 6947% 6948I have a simple philosophy: 6949 6950 Fill what's empty. 6951 Empty what's full. 6952 Scratch where it itches. 6953 -- A. R. Longworth 6954% 6955"I have a very firm grasp on reality! I can reach out and strangle it 6956any time!" 6957% 6958"I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show, 6959which would be called `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'." 6960 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 6961% 6962I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I tell them the truth 6963and they never believe me. 6964 -- Camillo Di Cavour 6965% 6966I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it. 6967 -- Edgar Allan Poe 6968% 6969"I have just read your lousy review buried in the back pages. You 6970sound like a frustrated old man who never made a success, an 6971eight-ulcer man on a four-ulcer job, and all four ulcers working. I 6972have never met you, but if I do you'll need a new nose and plenty of 6973beefsteak and perhaps a supporter below. Westbrook Pegler, a 6974guttersnipe, is a gentleman compared to you. You can take that as more 6975of an insult than as a reflection on your ancestry." 6976 -- President Harry S Truman 6977% 6978I have learned 6979To spell hors d'oeuvres 6980Which still grates on 6981Some people's n'oeuvres. 6982 -- Warren Knox 6983% 6984"I have made mistakes but I have never made the mistake of claiming 6985that I have never made one." 6986 -- James Gordon Bennett 6987% 6988"I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to 6989make it shorter." 6990 -- Blaise Pascal 6991% 6992I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole 6993____BODY! 6994 -- from "Cerebus" #82 6995% 6996"I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer." 6997 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 6998% 6999"I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best." 7000 -- Oscar Wilde 7001% 7002"I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it 7003scattered around the beaches of the world ... Perhaps you've seen it. 7004 -- Steven Wright 7005% 7006"I have to convince you, or at least snow you ..." 7007 -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435 7008% 7009"I have two very rare photographs: one is a picture of Houdini locking 7010his keys in his car; the other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell 7011beating up a child." 7012 -- Steven Wright 7013% 7014I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when looked 7015at in the right way, did not become still more complicated. 7016 -- Poul Anderson 7017% 7018"I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere." 7019% 7020"I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it." 7021% 7022I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!! 7023% 7024"I just need enough to tide me over until I need more." 7025 -- Bill Hoest 7026% 7027I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once. 7028% 7029"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World 7030War IV will be fought with sticks and stones." 7031 -- Albert Einstein 7032% 7033"I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! 7034The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building." 7035 -- Charles Schulz 7036% 7037"I like being single. I'm always there when I need me." 7038 -- Art Leo 7039% 7040I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to 7041promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want 7042peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of 7043the way and let them have it. 7044 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower 7045% 7046"I like work ... I can sit and watch it for hours." 7047% 7048"I like your game but we have to change the rules." 7049% 7050"I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour! This is what 7051entertainment is all about ... Idiots, explosives and falling anvils." 7052 -- Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson 7053% 7054"I love to eat them Smurfies 7055 Smurfies what I love to eat 7056 Bite they ugly heads off, 7057 Nibble on they bluish feet." 7058% 7059"I may appear to be just sitting here like a bucket of tapioca, but 7060don't let appearances fool you. I'm approaching old age ... at the 7061speed of light." 7062 -- Prof. Cosmo Fishhawk 7063% 7064"I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent." 7065 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 7066% 7067"I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a 7068week sometimes to make it up." 7069 -- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad" 7070% 7071I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts 7072% 7073"I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do 7074was to go away." 7075% 7076"I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like." 7077% 7078I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation. 7079 -- George Bernard Shaw 7080% 7081"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!" 7082 -- Royal Floyd Mengot (Klaus) 7083% 7084"I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the 7085kind of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled 7086substances being in widespread use. Back then, there were no 7087restrictions, in terms of talent, on who could make an album, so we 7088made one, and it sounds like a group of people who have been given 7089powerful but unfamiliar instruments as a therapy for a degenerative 7090nerve disease." 7091 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake" 7092% 7093I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow! 7094% 7095"I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral 7096slob." 7097 -- William F. Buckley 7098% 7099I realize that the MX missile is none of our concern. I realize that 7100the whole point of living in a democracy is that we pay professional 7101congresspersons to concern themselves with things like the MX missile 7102so we can be free to concern ourselves with getting hold of the 7103plumber. 7104 7105But from time to time, I feel I must address major public issues such 7106as this, because in a free and open society, where the very future of 7107the world hinges on decisions made by our elected leaders, you never 7108win large cash journalism awards if you stick to the topics I usually 7109write about, such as nose-picking. 7110 -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against 7111 Political Fallout" 7112% 7113I really hate this damned machine 7114I wish that they would sell it. 7115It never does quite what I want 7116But only what I tell it. 7117% 7118"I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person." 7119% 7120I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope 7121they do get 'em lowered enough so people can afford to pay 'em. 7122 -- Will Rogers 7123% 7124I see the eigenvalue in thine eye, 7125I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh. 7126Bernoulli would have been content to die 7127Had he but known such _a-squared cos 2(phi)! 7128 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 7129% 7130I sent a letter to the fish, 7131I told them, "This is what I wish." 7132The little fishes of the sea, 7133They sent an answer back to me. 7134The little fishes' answer was 7135"We cannot do it, sir, because ..." 7136I sent a letter back to say 7137It would be better to obey. 7138But someone came to me and said 7139"The little fishes are in bed." 7140I said to him, and I said it plain 7141"Then you must wake them up again." 7142I said it very loud and clear, 7143I went and shouted in his ear. 7144But he was very stiff and proud, 7145He said "You needn't shout so loud." 7146And he was very proud and stiff, 7147He said "I'll go and wake them if ..." 7148I took a kettle from the shelf, 7149I went to wake them up myself. 7150But when I found the door was locked 7151I pulled and pushed and kicked and knocked, 7152And when I found the door was shut, 7153I tried to turn the handle, But ... 7154 7155 "Is that all?" asked Alice. 7156 "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye." 7157 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" 7158% 7159"I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck." 7160 -- Graffito in Los Angeles 7161% 7162"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full 7163house and four people died." 7164 -- Steven Wright 7165% 7166"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to 7167see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph." 7168 -- Shirley Temple 7169% 7170I suggest you locate your hot tub outside your house, so it won't do 7171too much damage if it catches fire or explodes. First you decide which 7172direction your hot tub should face for maximum solar energy. After 7173much trial and error, I have found that the best direction for a hot 7174tub to face is up. 7175 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 7176% 7177"I think it is true for all _n. I was just playing it safe with _n >= 3 7178because I couldn't remember the proof." 7179 -- Baker, Pure Math 351a 7180% 7181"I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it." 7182% 7183I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick 7184and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this 7185country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people 7186in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly 7187not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am. 7188 -- Monty Python 7189% 7190I think that I shall never see 7191A billboard lovely as a tree. 7192Perhaps, unless the billboards fall 7193I'll never see a tree at all. 7194 -- Ogden Nash 7195% 7196I think that I shall never see 7197A thing as lovely as a tree. 7198But as you see the trees have gone 7199They went this morning with the dawn. 7200A logging firm from out of town 7201Came and chopped the trees all down. 7202But I will trick those dirty skunks 7203And write a brand new poem called 'Trunks'. 7204% 7205"I think the sky is blue because it's a shift from black through purple 7206to blue, and it has to do with where the light is. You know, the 7207farther we get into darkness, and there's a shifting of color of light 7208into the blueness, and I think as you go farther and farther away from 7209the reflected light we have from the sun or the light that's bouncing 7210off this earth, uh, the darker it gets ... I think if you look at the 7211color scale, you start at black, move it through purple, move it on 7212out, it's the shifting of color. We mentioned before about the stars 7213singing, and that's one of the effects of the shifting of colors." 7214 -- Pat Robertson, The 700 Club 7215% 7216I think the world would be a more peaceful place if people 7217could just keep their fingers out of the fortune files. 7218 -- Jordan K. Hubbard 7219% 7220I think we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown 7221... HEY! PAY ATTENTION WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU DAMMIT! I said I think 7222we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown today. 7223When we take the time to be courteous to each other, we find that we 7224are happier and less likely to engage in nuclear war. This point was 7225driven home by the recent summit talks, where Nancy Reagan and Raisa 7226Gorbachev, each of whose husband thinks the other's husband is vermin, 7227were able to sit down at a high-level tea and engage in courteous 7228conversation ... 7229 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" 7230% 7231"I thought you were trying to get into shape." 7232"I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle." 7233% 7234I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in 7235twenty minutes. It's about Russia. 7236 -- Woody Allen 7237% 7238I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure. 7239% 7240"I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance." 7241% 7242"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure." 7243% 7244"I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my 7245body. Then I realized who was telling me this." 7246 -- Emo Phillips 7247% 7248I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere 7249near the place. 7250 -- Steven Wright 7251% 7252I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to 7253animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for 7254anything connected with society except that which makes the roads 7255safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men and women 7256warmer in the winter, and happier in the summer. 7257 -- Brendan Behan 7258% 7259"I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch `St. 7260Elsewhere', won't scream, `FORGET IT, BLANCHE ... IT'S TIME FOR "HEE 7261HAW"!!'" 7262 -- Berke Breathed, "Bloom County" 7263% 7264I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know 7265anything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child Prodigy is 7266a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows 7267up. 7268 -- Will Rogers 7269% 7270"I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn. By accident I 7271put the car key in the door lock. The house started up. So I figured 7272what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times. I thought I 7273should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to 7274get off my driveway." 7275 -- Steven Wright 7276% 7277"I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I 7278didn't know." 7279 -- Mark Twain 7280% 7281I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending 7282their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to 7283buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike. 7284 -- Emile Henry Gauvreay 7285% 7286"I was playing poker the other night ... with Tarot cards. I got a full 7287house and four people died." 7288 -- Steven Wright 7289% 7290"I went into a general store, and they wouldn't sell me anything 7291specific". 7292 -- Steven Wright 7293% 7294I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained 7295it to expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass 7296stars, for stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold. 7297I ran it assuming the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be 7298absent -- not because I wanted to know the answer, but because I had 7299developed an intuitive feel for the answer in this particular case. 7300Finally I got a run in which the computer showed the pulsar's 7301temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found an error. I 7302chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the program to 7303the point where it would not run at all. 7304 -- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star: Of Pulsars, Black 7305 Holes and the Fate of Stars" 7306% 7307"I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any 7308questions , I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the 7309speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen? 7310 7311He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work 7312for him then. 7313 -- Steven Wright 7314% 7315"I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in 7316the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't 7317included." 7318 -- Steven Wright 7319% 7320"I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the 7321statues that are in all the other museums." 7322 -- Steven Wright 7323% 7324I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that 7325it took seven others to beat him! 7326% 7327"I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. 7328There's a knob called `brightness', but it doesn't work." 7329 -- Gallagher 7330% 7331"I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've 7332always worked for me." 7333 -- Hunter S. Thompson 7334% 7335IBM had a PL/I, 7336 Its syntax worse than JOSS; 7337And everywhere this language went, 7338 It was a total loss. 7339% 7340"I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous." 7341% 7342"I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got 7343to undo it." 7344% 7345"I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat." 7346% 7347"I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I 7348snore." 7349% 7350"I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in 7351`Y.'" 7352% 7353"I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my 7354blender." 7355% 7356"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my 7357garage door." 7358% 7359"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm converting my calendar watch from 7360Julian to Gregorian." 7361% 7362"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm doing door-to-door collecting for 7363static cling." 7364% 7365"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered." 7366% 7367"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm staying home to work on my 7368cottage cheese sculpture." 7369% 7370"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving." 7371% 7372"I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night." 7373% 7374"I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma 7375transplant." 7376% 7377"I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV." 7378% 7379"I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never 7380came back." 7381% 7382"I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to stay 7383tuned." 7384% 7385"I'd love to go out with you, but there are important world issues that 7386need worrying about." 7387% 7388"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy." 7389% 7390Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box 7391of candy weighing less than fifty pounds. 7392% 7393Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like 7394solitary confinement. 7395% 7396Idiot Box, n.: 7397 The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the 7398stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves. 7399 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 7400% 7401Idiot, n.: 7402 A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human 7403affairs has always been dominant and controlling. 7404 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 7405% 7406If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law. 7407 -- Roy Santoro 7408% 7409If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape 7410at about 30 miles/second. 7411 -- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming 7412% 7413"If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far." 7414 -- Paul White 7415% 7416If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus 7417forecast is a camel's behind. 7418 -- Edgar R. Fiedler 7419% 7420If A equals success, then the formula is _A = _X + _Y + _Z. _X is work. _Y 7421is play. _Z is keep your mouth shut. 7422 -- Albert Einstein 7423% 7424If a group of _N persons implements a COBOL compiler, there will be _N-1 7425passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager. 7426 -- T. Cheatham 7427% 7428If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four 7429hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where 7430it votes guilty. 7431 -- Joseph C. Goulden 7432% 7433If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake 7434him up. 7435% 7436If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country. 7437% 7438If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have 7439dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to 7440maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it 7441must drop. The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf. 7442 -- Donald A. Metz 7443% 7444"If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good 7445attitude. If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to 7446playing the game right. If it plays the game right, it will win -- 7447unless, of course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager 7448can make goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry?" 7449 -- Sparky Anderson 7450% 7451If all be true that I do think, 7452There be Five Reasons why one should Drink; 7453Good friends, good wine, or being dry, 7454Or lest we should be by-and-by, 7455Or any other reason why. 7456% 7457If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular 7458error. 7459 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 7460% 7461If all the Chinese simultaneously jumped into the Pacific off a 10 foot 7462platform erected 10 feet off their coast, it would cause a tidal wave 7463that would destroy everything in this country west of Nebraska. 7464% 7465If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. 7466 -- Paul Beatty 7467% 7468If all the world's economists were laid end to end, we wouldn't reach a 7469conclusion. 7470 -- William Baumol 7471% 7472If an S and an I and an O and a U 7473With an X at the end spell Su; 7474And an E and a Y and an E spell I, 7475Pray what is a speller to do? 7476Then, if also an S and an I and a G 7477And an HED spell side, 7478There's nothing much left for a speller to do 7479But to go commit siouxeyesighed. 7480 -- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament" 7481% 7482If anything can go wrong, it will. 7483% 7484If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool. 7485% 7486If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. 7487% 7488If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four 7489tellers? 7490% 7491"If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?" 7492% 7493If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from? 7494% 7495If everybody minded their own business, the world would go 7496around a deal faster. 7497 -- The Duchess, "Through the Looking Glass" 7498% 7499If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane. 7500% 7501If God didn't mean for us to juggle, tennis balls wouldn't come three 7502to a can. 7503% 7504If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire. 7505% 7506If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet. 7507% 7508If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit 7509Ears. 7510% 7511If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their 7512Heads. 7513% 7514If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with 7515green, baggy skin. 7516% 7517If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way. 7518% 7519If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to 7520invent it. 7521% 7522If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger 7523hands. 7524% 7525If God is dead, who will save the Queen? 7526% 7527If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions? 7528% 7529"If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows." 7530 -- Yiddish saying 7531% 7532If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs? 7533 -- Marvin Kitman 7534% 7535"If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE will be 7536replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET!" 7537% 7538If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive! 7539 -- Samuel Goldwyn 7540% 7541If I don't drive around the park, 7542I'm pretty sure to make my mark. 7543If I'm in bed each night by ten, 7544I may get back my looks again. 7545If I abstain from fun and such, 7546I'll probably amount to much; 7547But I shall stay the way I am, 7548Because I do not give a damn. 7549 -- Dorothy Parker 7550% 7551If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture. 7552% 7553If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell, I'd sell the 7554plantation and go home. 7555 -- Eugene P. Gallagher 7556% 7557If I had any humility I would be perfect. 7558 -- Ted Turner 7559% 7560"If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith." 7561 -- Albert Einstein 7562% 7563If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the 7564shoulders of giants. 7565 -- Isaac Newton 7566 7567In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side 7568with the giants on whose shoulders we stand. 7569 -- Gerald Holton 7570 7571If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing 7572on my shoulders. 7573 -- Hal Abelson 7574 7575In computer science, we stand on each other's feet. 7576 -- Brian K. Reid 7577% 7578If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction. 7579 7580On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, that is 7581also a psychological interaction. 7582 7583The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not so 7584friendly. 7585 7586The crucial point is if you can tell which is which. 7587 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" 7588% 7589If I traveled to the end of the rainbow 7590As Dame Fortune did intend, 7591Murphy would be there to tell me 7592The pot's at the other end. 7593 -- Bert Whitney 7594% 7595If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people? 7596% 7597If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune. 7598% 7599If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him. 7600They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun 7601of it. 7602 -- Thomas Carlyle 7603% 7604"If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they 7605forgot to send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll 7606just think the other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. 7607And if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* 7608pieces of mail get lost, why they'll think someone *else* is broken! 7609And if 1Gb of mail gets lost, they'll just *know* that Arpa is down and 7610think it's a conspiracy to keep them from their God given right to 7611receive Net Mail ..." 7612 -- Leith (Casey) Leedom 7613% 7614If life is a stage, I want some better lighting. 7615% 7616If little else, the brain is an educational toy. 7617 -- Tom Robbins 7618% 7619If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women 7620you've got in the house. 7621 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 7622% 7623If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by 7624the page number. 7625% 7626If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it. 7627% 7628"If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think 7629little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and 7630Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination." 7631 -- Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859) 7632% 7633If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants. 7634 -- A. Einstein. 7635% 7636If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit 7637in my name at a Swiss bank. 7638 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 7639% 7640If only I could be respected without having to be respectable. 7641% 7642If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without 7643having to accomplish anything. 7644% 7645If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, 7646he should see how bad it is with representation. 7647% 7648If preceded by a '-' , the timezone shall be east of the Prime 7649Meridian; otherwise, it shall be west (which may be indicated by 7650an optional preceding '+' ). 7651 -- POSIX 2001 7652 7653The "+" or "-" indicates whether the time-of-day is ahead of 7654(i.e., east of) or behind (i.e., west of) Universal Time. 7655 -- RFC 2822 7656% 7657If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of 7658arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the 7659physical world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker 7660entirely by the use of the mathematics of probability. 7661 -- Vannevar Bush 7662% 7663If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied 7664harder. 7665 -- Pope John Paul I 7666% 7667"If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem." 7668 -- C. Durance, Computer Science 234 7669% 7670If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would 7671presumably flunk it. 7672 -- Stanley Garn 7673% 7674If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong. 7675 -- Norm Schryer 7676% 7677If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to 7678get the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. 7679See in college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving 7680the natural method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting 7681that you shall learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The 7682college, which should be a place of delightful labor, is made odious 7683and unhealthy, and the young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to 7684rally their jaded spirits. I would have the studies elective. 7685Scholarship is to be created not by compulsion, but by awakening a pure 7686interest in knowledge. The wise instructor accomplishes this by 7687opening to his pupils precisely the attractions the study has for 7688himself. The marking is a system for schools, not for the college; for 7689boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to put on a professor. 7690 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 7691% 7692"If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for 7693me!" 7694 -- "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920) 7695% 7696If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances 7697are 50-50 it will. 7698% 7699If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down. If 7700the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down. If the 7701bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance will 7702exceed all expectations. 7703 -- Reverend Chichester 7704% 7705If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams. 7706% 7707If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that 7708will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. 7709% 7710If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? 7711 -- Art Hoppe 7712% 7713If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make 7714something out of you. 7715 -- Muhammad Ali 7716% 7717If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it. 7718% 7719If this is timesharing, give me my share right now. 7720% 7721If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same? 7722% 7723If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was 7724yesterday? 7725% 7726If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is 7727doing the thinking. 7728 -- Lyndon Baines Johnson 7729% 7730If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. 7731 -- Laurence J. Peter 7732% 7733"If value corrupts then absolute value corrupts absolutely" 7734% 7735"If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage." 7736% 7737If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel 7738in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary 7739qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted. 7740 -- Marguerite Emmons 7741% 7742If you are a fatalist, what can you do about it? 7743 -- Ann Edwards-Duff 7744% 7745"If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars." 7746 -- J. Paul Getty 7747% 7748If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse. 7749% 7750If you can read this, you're too close. 7751% 7752If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything. 7753% 7754If you cannot convince them, confuse them. 7755 -- Harry S Truman 7756% 7757If you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, give me a 7758call. 7759% 7760If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly. 7761% 7762If you didn't get caught, did you really do it? 7763% 7764If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost. 7765% 7766If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours. 7767 -- Clarence Day 7768% 7769If you don't have a nasty obituary you probably didn't matter. 7770 -- Freeman Dyson 7771% 7772"If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little 7773Lavoris in the toilet." 7774 -- Jay Leno 7775% 7776If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to 7777either of you for the rest of the day. 7778% 7779"If you ever want to get anywhere in politics, my boy, you're going to 7780have to get a toehold in the public eye." 7781% 7782If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody 7783will. 7784% 7785If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it 7786will always do it. 7787 -- Les Aspin, D., Wisconsin 7788% 7789"If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is 7790make the rubble bounce" 7791 -- Winston Churchill 7792% 7793If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous. 7794% 7795If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some. 7796% 7797"If you have to hate, hate gently" 7798% 7799If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to 7800boot yourself in the posterior. 7801 -- A. J. Liebling 7802% 7803If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away. 7804% 7805If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee. 7806 -- Graham Summer 7807% 7808If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few 7809people die past the age of a hundred. 7810 -- George Burns 7811% 7812If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you 7813really make them think they'll hate you. 7814% 7815If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail. 7816 -- Maslow 7817% 7818If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure 7819can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly 7820develop. 7821% 7822If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite 7823you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. 7824 -- Mark Twain 7825% 7826If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine, 7827you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get 7828ice, but no cup. 7829% 7830If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But 7831this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is 7832somehow enobled and none dare criticize it. 7833% 7834If you sit down at a poker game and don't see a sucker, get up. You're 7835the sucker. 7836% 7837If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair. 7838% 7839If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker, 7840It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock. 7841 Or some joker who is slicker, 7842 Will trick you of your liquor, 7843If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock. 7844% 7845If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. 7846 -- Derek Bok, president of Harvard 7847% 7848If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens 7849tomorrow! 7850% 7851If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car 7852payments. 7853 -- Earl Wilson 7854% 7855If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it. 7856 -- Arthur Kasspe 7857% 7858If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest 7859shopping center in the world? 7860 -- Richard M. Nixon 7861% 7862If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest 7863shopping center in the world? 7864 -- Richard Nixon 7865% 7866If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would 7867be to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call 7868you to say they had a nice time. Now you'll be be expected to throw 7869another party next year. 7870 7871What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake up 7872several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've 7873been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to 7874avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning 7875parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from 7876having another one ... 7877 7878If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door, unless 7879your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas 7880through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure 7881that they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting 7882someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you ... 7883% 7884If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them 7885end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable. 7886 -- "Graffiti in the Big Ten" 7887% 7888"If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything." 7889 -- A. L. 7890% 7891If you want divine justice, die. 7892 -- Nick Seldon 7893% 7894If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people 7895he gave it to. 7896 -- Dorothy Parker 7897% 7898If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the 7899Constitution. It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's 7900statecraft. Instead, read selected portions of the Washington 7901telephone directory containing listings for all the organizations with 7902titles beginning with the word "National". 7903 -- George Will 7904% 7905If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every 7906word you say, talk in your sleep. 7907% 7908"If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some 7909memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' it, 7910even if they don't know what it means." 7911 -- Walt Kelly, "The Pogo Party" 7912% 7913If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings -- including this one. 7914% 7915If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for 7916tomorrow morning, sleep late. 7917 -- Henny Youngman 7918% 7919If you're happy, you're successful. 7920% 7921If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. 7922% 7923If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory. 7924 -- Benjamin Disraeli 7925% 7926If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%? 7927% 7928"If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round 7929it off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the 7930universe?" 7931% 7932If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all. 7933 -- Ronald Reagan 7934% 7935Ignisecond, n.: 7936 The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car 7937door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!" 7938 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 7939% 7940Il brilgue: les t^oves libricilleux 7941 Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave, 7942Enm^im'es sont les gougebosquex, 7943 Et le m^omerade horgrave. 7944 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" 7945% 7946Iles's Law: 7947 There is always an easier way to do it. When looking directly 7948at the easy way, especially for long periods, you will not see it. 7949Neither will Iles. 7950% 7951"I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, 7952carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia, 7953I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun." 7954 -- Hawkeye, M*A*S*H 7955% 7956I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd 7957listen to it! 7958 -- Tom Galloway with apologies to Voltaire 7959% 7960I'll grant thee random access to my heart, 7961Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love; 7962And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove 7963And in our bound partition never part. 7964 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 7965% 7966"I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob. 7967That will *prove* I'm Robin Hood." 7968 -- Daffy Duck, "Robin Hood Daffy", [1958, Chuck Jones] 7969% 7970Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot -- it's more like the 7971land He's trying to ignore. 7972% 7973"I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from 7974man." 7975% 7976I'm a Lisp variable -- bind me! 7977% 7978"I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my 7979sister." 7980% 7981I'm changing my name to Chrysler 7982I'm going down to Washington, D.C. 7983I'll tell some power broker 7984 What they did for Iacocca 7985Will be perfectly acceptable to me! 7986I'm changing my name to Chrysler, 7987I'm heading for that great receiving line. 7988When they hand a million grand out, 7989 I'll be standing with my hand out, 7990Yessir, I'll get mine! 7991 -- Tom Paxton 7992% 7993I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did. 7994% 7995"I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to 7996die in." 7997 -- George McGovern 7998% 7999I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man. 8000 -- Fred Allen 8001% 8002I'm going to live forever, or die trying! 8003 -- Spider Robinson 8004% 8005"I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?" 8006 -- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate 8007% 8008i'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be 8009living apart. 8010 -- e. e. cummings 8011% 8012I'm N-ary the tree, I am, 8013N-ary the tree, I am, I am. 8014I'm getting traversed by the parser next door, 8015She's traversed me seven times before. 8016And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!) 8017Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!) 8018I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary. 8019N-ary the tree I am, I am, 8020N-ary the tree I am. 8021% 8022"I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. 8023It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get." 8024% 8025"I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday 8026life." 8027% 8028I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is 8029-- I could be just as proud for half the money. 8030 -- Arthur Godfrey 8031% 8032I'm rated PG-34!! 8033% 8034"I'm really enjoying not talking to you ... Let's not talk again ____REAL 8035soon ..." 8036% 8037"I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it 8038(your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage." 8039 -- English Professor, Providence College 8040% 8041"I'm sorry, but after reading this thread, I'm having a hard time 8042coming up with an explanation for this nonsense which doesn't involve 8043you being a dumbass." 8044 -- Bill Paul <wpaul@FreeBSD.org> 8045% 8046I'm very good at integral and differential calculus, 8047I know the scientific names of beings animalculous; 8048In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, 8049I am the very model of a modern Major-General. 8050 -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "Pirates of Penzance" 8051% 8052"I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's 8053lives" 8054% 8055Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality. 8056 -- Jules de Gaultier 8057% 8058"Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the 8059usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody 8060thinks of complaining." 8061 -- Jeff Raskin, interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal 8062% 8063Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has 8064a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk 8065storage, a screen resolution of 4096 x 4096 pixels, relies entirely on 8066voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300. 8067What's the first question that the computer community asks? 8068 8069"Is it PC compatible?" 8070% 8071Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery. 8072 -- Jack Paar 8073% 8074Immortality -- a fate worse than death. 8075 -- Edgar A. Shoaff 8076% 8077Impartial, adj.: 8078 Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from 8079espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two 8080conflicting opinions. 8081 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8082% 8083Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the 8084mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the 8085Boss is reading it. 8086% 8087Impossible, adj.: 8088 (1) I wouldn't like it and when it happens I won't approve; 8089(2) I can't be bothered; (3) God can't be bothered. Meaning (3) may 8090perhaps be valid but the others are 101% whaledreck. 8091 -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab" 8092% 8093In 1750 Issac Newton became discouraged when he fell up a flight of 8094stairs. 8095% 8096In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled 8097waffles. 8098% 8099In 1880 the French captured Detroit but gave it back ... they couldn't 8100get parts. 8101% 8102In 1914, the first crossword puzzle was printed in a newspaper. The 8103creator received $4000 down ... and $3000 across. 8104% 8105In 1915 pancake make-up was invented but most people still preferred 8106syrup. 8107% 8108In a five year period we can get one superb programming language. Only 8109we can't control when the five year period will begin. 8110% 8111In a medium in which a News Piece takes a minute and an "In-Depth" 8112Piece takes two minutes, the Simple will drive out the Complex. 8113 -- Frank Mankiewicz 8114% 8115In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus, 8116"one when he was a boy and one when he was a man." 8117 -- Mark Twain 8118% 8119In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground 8120with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries. Anthropologists call 8121this a form of primitive self-expression. In America we call it golf. 8122% 8123In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one 8124of the risks he takes. 8125 -- Adlai Stevenson 8126% 8127In America today ... we have Woody Allen, whose humor has become so 8128sophisticated that nobody gets it any more except Mia Farrow. All 8129those who think Mia Farrow should go back to making movies where the 8130devil gets her pregnant and Woody Allen should go back to dressing up 8131as a human sperm, please raise your hands. Thank you. 8132 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" 8133% 8134In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own 8135incompetency 8136 -- The Peter Principle 8137% 8138In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks) 8139are to be treated as variables. 8140% 8141"In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of 8142nations -- it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir." 8143 -- Stuart Keate 8144% 8145In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own 8146at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public. 8147% 8148In Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs. 8149% 8150In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools 8151will be temporarily canceled. 8152% 8153In case of injury notify your superior immediately. He'll kiss it and 8154make it better. 8155% 8156In Columbia, Pennsylvania, it is against the law for a pilot to tickle 8157a female flying student under her chin with a feather duster in order 8158to get her attention. 8159% 8160In Corning, Iowa, it's a misdemeanor for a man to ask his wife to ride 8161in any motor vehicle. 8162% 8163"In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable." 8164 -- Winston Churchill, of Montgomery 8165% 8166In Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door 8167neighbor. 8168% 8169In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset. 8170% 8171In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last 8172resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but 8173inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first. 8174 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8175% 8176In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our 8177programming languages. 8178% 8179In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on 8180the sidewalks when a concert is on. 8181% 8182In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come 8183into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish 8184between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which 8185will only make it mushy. 8186 -- Mark Twain 8187% 8188In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your 8189pocket. 8190% 8191In Lowes Crossroads, Delaware, it is a violation of local law for any 8192pilot or passenger to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket while 8193either flying or waiting to board a plane. 8194% 8195In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless 8196there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red 8197flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians. 8198% 8199In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as 8200to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the 8201speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00. 8202% 8203"In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the 8204universe." 8205 -- Carl Sagan, Cosmos 8206% 8207In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, 8208intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from 8209the cares of office. 8210 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8211% 8212In Pocataligo, Georgia, it is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds 8213and attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane. 8214% 8215In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying 8216of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public 8217view." 8218% 8219In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space 8220Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways. 8221Our asymptotes no longer out of phase, 8222We shall encounter, counting, face to face. 8223 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 8224% 8225In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that 8226is over six feet in length. 8227% 8228In seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way. 8229 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 8230% 8231"In short, _N is Richardian if, and only if, _N is not Richardian." 8232% 8233In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's. 8234% 8235In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a 8236moving automobile. 8237% 8238[In the 60's] there was madness in any direction, at any hour ... You 8239could strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense 8240that whatever we were doing was `right', that we were winning ... 8241 8242And that, I think, was the handle -- the sense of inevitable victory 8243over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we 8244didn't need that. Our energy would simply `prevail'. There was no 8245point in fighting -- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; 8246we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave .... 8247 8248So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in 8249Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost 8250___see the high-water mark -- the place where the wave finally broke and 8251rolled back. 8252 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" 8253% 8254In the beginning was the word. 8255But by the time the second word was added to it, 8256there was trouble. 8257For with it came syntax ... 8258 -- John Simon 8259% 8260In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he sat 8261hacking at the PDP-6. "What are you doing?", asked Minsky. "I am 8262training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe." "Why is the 8263net wired randomly?", asked Minsky. "I do not want it to have any 8264preconceptions of how to play." Minsky shut his eyes. "Why do you 8265close your eyes?", Sussman asked his teacher. "So the room will be 8266empty." At that moment, Sussman was enlightened. 8267% 8268In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in 8269the proper order then why can't he? 8270% 8271In the land of the dark, the Ship of the Sun is driven by the Grateful 8272Dead. 8273 -- Egyptian Book of the Dead 8274% 8275In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble. 8276 -- Alan Perlis 8277% 8278In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or 8279a loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it 8280to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by 8281forty lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you 8282stole a dog and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit 8283punches, although it was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong 8284enough to punch you. 8285 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 8286% 8287In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has 8288shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the 8289Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million 8290three hundred thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years 8291from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. 8292... There is something fascinating about science. One gets such 8293wholesome returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of 8294fact. 8295 -- Mark Twain 8296% 8297In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to 8298drop out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at 8299discotheques. 8300 -- Art Linkletter 8301% 8302In those days he was wiser than he is now -- he used to frequently take 8303my advice. 8304 -- Winston Churchill 8305% 8306In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without 8307the supervision of a licensed engineer. 8308% 8309In West Union, Ohio, No married man can go flying without his spouse 8310along at any time, unless he has been married for more than 12 months. 8311% 8312Incumbent, n.: 8313 Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents. 8314 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8315% 8316Indifference will be the downfall of mankind, but who cares? 8317% 8318Individualists unite! 8319% 8320Infancy, n.: 8321 The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven 8322lies about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon 8323afterward. 8324 -- Ambrose Bierce 8325% 8326Information Center, n.: 8327 A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is 8328to tell you why you cannot have the information you require. 8329% 8330Ingrate, n.: 8331 A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of 8332indigestion. 8333% 8334Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. 8335 -- Martin Luther King, Jr. 8336% 8337Ink, n.: 8338 A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and 8339water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote 8340intellectual crime. 8341 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8342% 8343Innovation is hard to schedule. 8344 -- Dan Fylstra 8345% 8346Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids. 8347% 8348Insanity is the final defense ... It's hard to get a refund when the 8349salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon. 8350% 8351Interpreter, n.: 8352 One who enables two persons of different languages to 8353understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to 8354the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said. 8355 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8356% 8357Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure. 8358% 8359Iron Law of Distribution: 8360 Them that has, gets. 8361% 8362"Irrationality is the square root of all evil" 8363 -- Douglas Hofstadter 8364% 8365Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is 8366meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as a 8367soap bubble? 8368% 8369Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the 8370beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get 8371out, and such as are out wish to get in? 8372 -- Ralph Emerson 8373% 8374Is your job running? You'd better go catch it! 8375% 8376Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction 8377listen to weather forecasts and economists? 8378 -- Kelvin Throop III 8379% 8380Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune 8381tellers take economists seriously? 8382% 8383Issawi's Laws of Progress: 8384 8385 The Course of Progress: 8386 Most things get steadily worse. 8387 8388 The Path of Progress: 8389 A shortcut is the longest distance between two points. 8390% 8391It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself working 8392as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. One slow day, he found that he 8393had time to chat with the new entrants. To the first one he asked, 8394"What's your IQ?" The new arrival replied, "190". They discussed 8395Einstein's theory of relativity for hours. When the second new arrival 8396came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's IQ. The answer 8397this time came "120". To which Einstein replied, "Tell me, how did the 8398Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half an hour or so. 8399To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the question, "What's 8400your IQ?". Upon receiving the answer "70", Einstein smiled and asked, 8401"Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?" 8402% 8403It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater. The clown 8404came out to inform the public. They thought it was just a jest and 8405applauded. He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder. So I 8406think the world will come to an end amid general applause from all the 8407wits, who believe that it is a joke. 8408 -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855) 8409% 8410It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is 8411thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have 8412drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell. 8413 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8414% 8415It has been said [by Anatole France], "it is not by amusing oneself 8416that one learns," and, in reply: "it is *____only* by amusing oneself that 8417one can learn." 8418 -- Edward Kasner and James R. Newman 8419% 8420It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have 8421been searching for evidence which could support this. 8422 -- Bertrand Russell 8423% 8424It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. 8425% 8426It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to 8427program. What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in 8428organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be 8429self-critical? 8430 -- Alan Perlis 8431% 8432It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of 8433Urbana, Illinois. 8434% 8435It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will 8436not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves 8437and because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like 8438mature human beings ... 8439 -- Playboy, January 1983 8440% 8441It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a 8442pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the 8443sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color. 8444 -- Voltaire 8445% 8446It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what 8447they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed 8448that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so 8449much -- the wheel, New York wars and so on -- whilst all the dolphins 8450had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But 8451conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more 8452intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons. 8453 8454Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending 8455destruction of the of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to 8456alert mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were 8457misinterpreted ... 8458 -- Douglas Admas "The Hitch-Hikers' Guide To The 8459 Galaxy" 8460% 8461It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be 8462coming up it. 8463 -- Henry Allen 8464% 8465It is better never to have been born. But who among us has such luck? 8466One in a million, perhaps. 8467% 8468It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark 8469% 8470It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three 8471benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never 8472to use either. 8473 -- Mark Twain 8474% 8475It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both 8476incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by 8477twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. 8478 -- Rod Serling 8479% 8480"It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is 8481lightly greased." 8482 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 8483% 8484It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its 8485proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community 8486a better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to 8487treat your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the 8488focus of attention, the harder the task. 8489 -- Sydney J. Harris 8490% 8491It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice 8492versa. 8493% 8494It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 8495% 8496It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct 8497one. 8498% 8499It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because 8500if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of 8501people. 8502 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" 8503% 8504It is hard to predict, in particular about the future. 8505 -- Robert Storm Petersen 8506% 8507It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood 8508Boulevard at one time. 8509% 8510It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia. 8511% 8512It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry 8513a tune. 8514 -- Woody Allen 8515% 8516It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so 8517ingenious. 8518% 8519It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not 8520desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off. 8521 -- Woody Allen 8522% 8523It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our 8524offense consists in doubting it. 8525 -- Justice Robert H. Jackson 8526% 8527It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the 8528problem. 8529% 8530It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be 8531privileged to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to 8532corrupt the youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles. 8533 -- George Bernard Shaw 8534% 8535It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail. 8536 -- Gore Vidal 8537% 8538It is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it's one 8539damn thing over and over. 8540 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay 8541% 8542It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is? 8543 -- Elizabeth Carpenter 8544% 8545It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a 8546pit. 8547% 8548It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that 8549virginity could be a virtue. 8550 -- Voltaire 8551% 8552It is only people of small moral stature who have to stand on their 8553dignity. 8554% 8555It is only the great men who are truly obscene. If they had not dared 8556to be obscene, they could never have dared to be great. 8557 -- Havelock Ellis 8558% 8559It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the 8560lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as 8561high as the eagle? 8562% 8563It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a 8564statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more 8565glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through 8566which we look, which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the 8567day, that is the highest of arts. 8568 -- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live" 8569% 8570It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad 8571crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed 8572until the other has gone. 8573% 8574It is the business of little minds to shrink. 8575 -- Carl Sandburg 8576% 8577It is the business of the future to be dangerous. 8578 -- Hawkwind 8579% 8580It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for 8581five straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity. But 8582it takes Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you. 8583% 8584It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out. 8585% 8586It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too 8587good either if you speak when your head is empty. 8588% 8589It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a 8590warning to others. 8591% 8592"It runs like _x, where _x is something unsavory" 8593 -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435 8594% 8595It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the 8596flag. 8597% 8598It shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the 8599municipality. 8600 -- Local ordinance, Euclid Ohio 8601% 8602"It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, 8603but I couldn't give up because by that time I was too famous." 8604 -- Robert Benchly 8605% 8606It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead. 8607% 8608"It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set 8609foot." 8610% 8611It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a 8612breeze was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was 8613broken ... 8614 -- James Dent 8615% 8616"It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps 8617I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I 8618don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and 8619the signature (which I guessed at). There's a singular and a perpetual 8620charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its 8621novelty .... Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but 8622yours are kept forever -- unread. One of them will last a reasonable 8623man a lifetime." 8624 -- Thomas Aldrich 8625% 8626It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly. It was more like 8627the rose and the teeth were in the same glass. 8628% 8629It will be advantageous to cross the great stream ... the Dragon is on 8630the wing in the Sky ... the Great Man rouses himself to his Work. 8631% 8632It will be generally found that those who sneer habitually at human 8633nature and affect to despise it, are among its worst and least pleasant 8634examples. 8635 -- Charles Dickens 8636% 8637It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing 8638warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or 8639two things still safe to eat. 8640 -- Robert Fuoss 8641% 8642It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word. 8643 -- Andrew Jackson 8644% 8645"It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone 8646underwear." 8647% 8648It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for. 8649% 8650"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it." 8651 -- Steven Wright 8652% 8653"It's a summons." 8654"What's a summons?" 8655"It means summon's in trouble." 8656 -- Rocky and Bullwinkle 8657% 8658It's a very *__UN*lucky week in which to be took dead. 8659 -- Churchy La Femme 8660% 8661It's always a long day; 86400 doesn't fit into a short. 8662% 8663It's always darkest just before it gets pitch black. 8664% 8665"It's bad luck to be superstitious." 8666 -- Andrew W. Mathis 8667% 8668It's better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all. 8669 -- Marty Winch 8670% 8671"It's easier said than done." 8672 8673... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than 8674said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than 8675said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than 8676done". 8677% 8678It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. 8679% 8680It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for 8681being right. 8682% 8683"It's Fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an 8684hour!" 8685 -- Macy's 8686% 8687It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse. 8688% 8689It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it 8690is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It 8691isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs. 8692 -- Oxford University Press, Edpress News 8693% 8694It's just a jump to the left 8695 And then a step to the right. 8696Put your hands on your hips 8697 And pull your knees in tight. 8698It's the pelvic thrust 8699 That really gets you insa-a-a-a-ane 8700 8701 LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN! 8702 8703 -- Rocky Horror Picture Show 8704% 8705"It's kind of fun to do the impossible." 8706 -- Walt Disney 8707% 8708"It's Like This" 8709 8710Even the samurai 8711have teddy bears, 8712and even the teddy bears 8713get drunk. 8714% 8715It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong 8716direction. 8717% 8718"It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name." 8719% 8720It's more than magnificent -- it's mediocre. 8721 -- Sam Goldwyn 8722% 8723It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how 8724to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair. 8725 -- George Burns 8726% 8727It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. 8728 -- Phil White 8729% 8730"It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either." 8731 -- Kevin White, mayor of Boston 8732% 8733It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too. 8734 -- Alexander Korda 8735% 8736"It's not just a computer -- it's your ass." 8737 -- Cal Keegan 8738% 8739It's not reality or how you perceive things that's important -- it's 8740what you're taking for it... 8741% 8742It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off 8743the ground. 8744 -- Daniel B. Luten 8745% 8746It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it 8747happens. 8748 -- Woody Allen 8749% 8750It's not the valleys in life I dread so much as the dips. 8751 -- Garfield 8752% 8753It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that 8754English is the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many 8755other languages "You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case. 8756 -- Sydney J. Harris 8757% 8758It's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ... 8759% 8760It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles. 8761% 8762It's so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the 8763Devil when he is the only explanation of it. 8764% 8765It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which 8766raises the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody 8767not to. 8768 -- Franklin P. Jones 8769% 8770It's the thought, if any, that counts! 8771% 8772I've built a better model than the one at Data General 8773For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral 8774My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality; 8775My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality. 8776My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity, 8777You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity; 8778There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting; 8779My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting. 8780 8781I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point: 8782There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point, 8783Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral 8784I've built a better model than the one at Data General. 8785 8786 -- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song" (To the tune of 8787 "Modern Major General", from "Pirates of Penzance", 8788 by Gilbert & Sullivan) 8789% 8790I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand. 8791% 8792I've found my niche. If you're wondering why I'm not there, there was 8793this little hole in the bottom ... 8794 -- John Croll 8795% 8796I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself. 8797% 8798I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. 8799 -- Groucho Marx 8800% 8801I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes 8802on the same day. 8803% 8804"I've seen better heads on half a pint of beer." 8805% 8806"I've seen, I SAY, I've seen better heads on a mug of beer" 8807 -- Senator Claghorn 8808% 8809I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness; 8810And from that full meridian of my glory 8811I haste now to my setting. I shall fall, 8812Like a bright exhalation in the evening 8813And no man see me more. 8814 -- Shakespeare 8815% 8816Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government: 8817 No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the 8818legislature is in session. 8819% 8820James Joyce -- an essentially private man who wished his total 8821indifference to public notice to be universally recognized. 8822 -- Tom Stoppard 8823% 8824Jenkinson's Law: 8825 It won't work. 8826% 8827Jesus Saves, 8828Moses Invests, 8829But only Buddha pays Dividends. 8830% 8831Job Placement, n.: 8832 Telling your boss what he can do with your job. 8833% 8834Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes! 8835% 8836Johnson's First Law: 8837 When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the 8838most inconvenient possible time. 8839% 8840Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called 8841"Bureaucracy". Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do 8842anything loses. 8843% 8844Join the march to save individuality! 8845% 8846Jone's Law: 8847 The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone 8848to blame it on. 8849% 8850Jone's Motto: 8851 Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate. 8852% 8853Jones's First Law: 8854 Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of 8855endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an obstruction 8856to its progress -- in direct proportion to the importance of their 8857original contribution. 8858% 8859Just about every computer on the market today runs Unix, except the Mac 8860(and nobody cares about it). 8861 -- Bill Joy 6/21/85 8862% 8863Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good 8864solutions seldom black or white. Beware of the solution that requires 8865one side to be totally the loser and the other side to be totally the 8866winner. The reason there are two sides to begin with usually is 8867because neither side has all the facts. Therefore, when the wise 8868mediator effects a compromise, he is not acting from political 8869motivation. Rather, he is acting from a deep sense of respect for the 8870whole truth. 8871 -- Stephen R. Schwambach 8872% 8873Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has 8874changed. 8875 -- Irene Peter 8876% 8877Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he 8878knows what it is. 8879% 8880Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you. 8881% 8882Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you 8883get a prompt, type like hell. 8884% 8885"Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't 8886immune to bullets" 8887 -- The Brigader, "Dr. Who" 8888% 8889"Just out of curiosity does this actually mean something or have some 8890of the few remaining bits of your brain just evaporated?" 8891 -- Patricia O Tuama, rissa@killer.DALLAS.TX.US 8892% 8893"Just remember, it all started with a mouse." 8894 -- Walt Disney 8895% 8896Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to 8897twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty! 8898% 8899`Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried, 8900 As he landed his crew with care; 8901Supporting each man on the top of the tide 8902 By a finger entwined in his hair. 8903 8904'Just the place for a Snark! I have said it twice: 8905 That alone should encourage the crew. 8906Just the place for a Snark! I have said it thrice: 8907 What I tell you three times is true.' 8908% 8909Just think -- blessed SCSI cables! Do a big enough sacrifice and create 8910a +5 blessed SCSI cable of connectivity. 8911 -- Lionel Lauer 8912% 8913Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a 8914faster rat!!! 8915% 8916Justice always prevails ... three times out of seven! 8917 -- Michael J. Wagner 8918% 8919Justice is incidental to law and order. 8920 -- J. Edgar Hoover 8921% 8922Justice, n.: 8923 A decision in your favor. 8924% 8925K: Cobalt's metal, hard and shining; 8926 Cobol's wordy and confining; 8927 KOBOLDS topple when you strike them; 8928 Don't feel bad, it's hard to like them. 8929 -- The Roguelet's ABC 8930% 8931Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to 8932wear tail lights. 8933% 8934Katz' Law: 8935 Man and nations will act rationally when all other 8936possibilities have been exhausted. 8937% 8938Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans. 8939% 8940Keep Cool, but Don't Freeze 8941 - Hellman's Mayonnaise 8942% 8943Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis. 8944% 8945Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo. 8946% 8947Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee: 8948 (1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc 8949 straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this 8950 force is technically termed "car suck"). 8951 (2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive 8952 than "Watch this!" 8953% 8954Keep your Eye on the Ball, 8955Your Shoulder to the Wheel, 8956Your Nose to the Grindstone, 8957Your Feet on the Ground, 8958Your Head on your Shoulders. 8959Now ... try to get something DONE! 8960% 8961Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most 8962automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gage, nor any of the 8963numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the 8964driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the 8965dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know 8966what's wrong." 8967% 8968Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College: 8969 Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students, 8970and parking for the faculty. 8971% 8972Kids have *_____never* taken guidance from their parents. If you could 8973travel back in time and observe the original primate family in the 8974original tree, you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate 8975teenager for sitting around and sulking all day instead of hunting for 8976grubs and berries like dad primate. Then you'd see the primate 8977teenager stomp up to his branch and slam the leaves. 8978 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly 8979 Do" 8980% 8981Kin, n.: 8982 An affliction of the blood 8983% 8984Kinkler's First Law: 8985 Responsibility always exceeds authority. 8986 8987Kinkler's Second Law: 8988 All the easy problems have been solved. 8989% 8990"Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack." 8991% 8992Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through 8993any of its streets. 8994% 8995Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic. 8996% 8997Kiss your keyboard goodbye! 8998% 8999Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within. 9000% 9001Klein bottle for sale ... inquire within. 9002% 9003Kleptomaniac, n.: 9004 A rich thief. 9005 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9006% 9007Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A. 9008% 9009Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions. 9010 -- Henry N. Camp 9011% 9012Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr): 9013 The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards. 9014 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 9015% 9016Labor, n.: 9017 One of the processes by which A acquires property for B. 9018 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9019% 9020Lackland's Laws: 9021 (1) Never be first. 9022 (2) Never be last. 9023 (3) Never volunteer for anything 9024% 9025Lactomangulation, n.: 9026 Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly 9027that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side. 9028 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 9029% 9030Ladybug, ladybug, 9031Look to your stern! 9032Your house is on fire, 9033Your children will burn! 9034So jump ye and sing, for 9035The very first time 9036The four lines above 9037Have been put into rhyme. 9038 -- Walt Kelly 9039% 9040Laetrile is the pits 9041% 9042Langsam's Laws: 9043 (1) Everything depends. 9044 (2) Nothing is always. 9045 (3) Everything is sometimes. 9046% 9047Larkinson's Law: 9048 All laws are basically false. 9049% 9050Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she lived with 9051was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always getting 9052pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to the 9053farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their 9054sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do 9055you think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her? 9056What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead 9057of every week. What with all the time these people spent pinned under 9058the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops 9059whatsoever. They probably got by on federal crop supports, which 9060Lassie filed the applications for. 9061 -- Dave Barry 9062% 9063"Last night, I came home and realized that everything in my apartment 9064had been stolen and replaced with an exact duplicate. I told this to 9065my friend -- he said, `Do I know you?'" 9066 -- Steven Wright 9067% 9068"Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police 9069record. I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album. Cops have no sense 9070of humor." 9071% 9072Last yeer I kudn't spel Engineer. Now I are won. 9073% 9074Laugh at your problems; everybody else does. 9075% 9076"Laughter is the closest distance between two people." 9077 -- Victor Borge 9078% 9079Law of Communications: 9080 The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications 9081between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased area of 9082misunderstanding. 9083% 9084Law of Probable Dispersal: 9085 Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly 9086distributed. 9087% 9088Law of Selective Gravity: 9089 An object will fall so as to do the most damage. 9090 9091Jenning's Corollary: 9092 The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is 9093directly proportional to the cost of the carpet. 9094% 9095Law of the Perversity of Nature: 9096 You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the 9097bread to butter. 9098% 9099Laws of Serendipity: 9100 9101 (1) In order to discover anything, you must be looking for 9102 something. 9103 (2) If you wish to make an improved product, you must already 9104 be engaged in making an inferior one. 9105% 9106Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: 9107 No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats -- 9108approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less. 9109% 9110Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads. 9111% 9112Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and 9113everything else follows in the same way. 9114 -- Alan J. Perlis 9115% 9116Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. 9117% 9118Legalize free-enterprise murder: why should governments have all the 9119fun? 9120% 9121Legislation proposed in the Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907: 9122 "Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour 9123unless the motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a 9124drink in 30 days, when the driver will be permitted to make what he 9125can." 9126% 9127Leibowitz's Rule: 9128 When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you 9129hold the hammer with both hands. 9130% 9131LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) 9132 You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are 9133 pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike 9134 honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people 9135 are thieves. 9136% 9137LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) 9138 Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore. 9139 Your ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because 9140 you've got a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of 9141 fact, if you can laugh at what happens to you today, you've got 9142 a sick sense of humor. 9143% 9144Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday. 9145% 9146"Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a 9147number. You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash 9148and another number." 9149 -- James Estes 9150% 9151Let us live!!! 9152Let us love!!! 9153Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!! 9154 9155You first. 9156% 9157Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted. In every 9158relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive. If you 9159really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the 9160end. For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the 9161qualities I most admired in myself I gave up. I stopped being loud and 9162bossy ... Oh, all right. I was still loud and bossy, but only behind 9163his back." 9164 -- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn 9165% 9166Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick 9167your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as 9168Mental Anguish. You would sue: 9169 9170* The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions 9171 section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand 9172 into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls 9173 in there". 9174 9175* The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious 9176 cretin like yourself. 9177 9178* Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this 9179 case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you 9180 a large cash settlement anyway. 9181 -- Dave Barry 9182% 9183Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often 9184overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of 9185dollars: For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your 9186tax return around under your armpit. No IRS agent is going to want to 9187spend hours poring over a sweat-stained document. So even if you owe 9188money, you can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will 9189probably give it to you, just to avoid an audit. What does he care? 9190It's not his money. 9191 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" 9192% 9193LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London) 9194 9195Dear Sir, 9196 9197I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or 9198to the office. We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in 9199public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result 9200in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn 9201will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed 9202agricultural industry. 9203 9204Yours faithfully, 9205 Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J. P. 9206 Sevenoaks 9207% 9208Lewis's Law of Travel: 9209 The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to 9210anyone, ever. 9211% 9212Liar, n.: 9213 A lawyer with a roving commission. 9214 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9215% 9216Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have. 9217 -- Harry Emerson Fosdick 9218% 9219LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22) 9220 Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your 9221 desire for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and 9222 polite. Someone is watching you, so stop staring like that. 9223% 9224LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22) 9225 You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with 9226 reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay. 9227 Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most 9228 Libra women are prostitutes. All Libra people die of venereal 9229 disease. 9230% 9231Lie, n.: 9232 A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one 9233discovered to date. 9234% 9235Lieberman's Law: 9236 Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. 9237% 9238Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while. 9239% 9240Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string. 9241% 9242"Life is like a bowl of soup with hairs floating on it. You have to 9243eat it nevertheless." 9244 -- Flaubert 9245% 9246"Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it." 9247% 9248Life is like a simile. 9249% 9250Life is like an analogy 9251% 9252Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find 9253there is nothing in it. 9254% 9255"Life is too important to take seriously." 9256 -- Corky Siegel 9257% 9258"Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it." 9259 -- Marvin, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 9260% 9261"Life may have no meaning -- or even worse, it may have a meaning of 9262which I disapprove." 9263% 9264"Life to you is a bold and dashing responsibility" 9265 -- a Mary Chung's fortune cookie 9266% 9267"Life would be much simpler and things would get done much faster if it 9268weren't for other people" 9269 -- Blore 9270% 9271Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code. 9272% 9273Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made 9274sense from things she found in gift shops. 9275 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. 9276% 9277Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking 9278for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem. 9279 -- Alan McKay 9280% 9281Limericks are art forms complex, 9282Their topics run chiefly to sex. 9283 They usually have virgins, 9284 And masculine urgin's, 9285And other erotic effects. 9286% 9287Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. 9288Kennedy exactly one hundred years later in 1946. 9289 9290Lincoln was elected president in November 1860. 9291Kennedy in November 1960. 9292 9293Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy who urged him not to go to 9294the theatre. 9295Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln who advised against his going 9296to Dallas. 9297 9298Booth shot Lincoln in a theatre and ran off into a warehouse. 9299Oswald shot Kennedy from a warehouse and ran off into a theatre. 9300 9301Lincoln was succeeded by a Southerner named Johnson. 9302Kennedy was succeeded by a Southerner named Johnson. 9303 9304The first Johnson was born in 1808. 9305The second Johnson was born in 1908. 9306 9307 -- Alistair Cooke, "Letter From America", 26nov2001 9308% 9309Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations. 9310% 9311Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow. Maybe 9312 we should think only about today. 9313Charlie Brown: 9314 No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday will get 9315 better. 9316% 9317Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night. 9318 -- Candice Bergen 9319% 9320Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip 9321around the Sun. 9322% 9323Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted 9324before. 9325% 9326Lizzie Borden took an axe, 9327And plunged it deep into the VAX; 9328Don't you envy people who 9329Do all the things ___YOU want to do? 9330% 9331Loan-department manager: "There isn't any fine print. At these 9332interest rates, we don't need it." 9333% 9334Lobster: 9335 Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are 9336squeamish about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the 9337only proper method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to 9338eliminate your guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial 9339before they're cooked. The fact is, lobsters are among the most 9340ferocious predators on the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime 9341in the reefs. Grasp the lobster behind the head, look it right in its 9342unmistakably guilty eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of 9343the 21st?", then flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout, 9344"Perhaps this will refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a 9345memory!" The lobster will squirm noticeably. It may even take a swipe 9346at you with one of its claws. Incorrigible. Pop it into the pot. 9347Justice has been served, and shortly you and your friends will be, 9348too. 9349 -- "Cooking: The Art of Using Appliances and Utensils 9350 into Excuses and Apologies" 9351% 9352Lockwood's Long Shot: 9353 The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street aren't 9354one in a million, but once would be enough. 9355% 9356Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree; that smells *_____awful*. 9357% 9358Logicians have but ill defined 9359As rational the human kind. 9360Logic, they say, belongs to man, 9361But let them prove it if they can. 9362 -- Oliver Goldsmith 9363% 9364Look out! Behind you! 9365% 9366Look, we play the Star Spangled Banner before every game. You want us 9367to pay income taxes, too? 9368 -- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox 9369% 9370Loose bits sink chips. 9371% 9372Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA, 9373BOOGA!" 9374% 9375Lost interest? It's so bad I've lost apathy. 9376% 9377Loud burping while walking around the airport is prohibited in 9378Halstead, Kansas. 9379% 9380Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea. 9381% 9382Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the 9383world has ever seen. 9384% 9385Love cannot be much younger than the lust for murder. 9386 -- Sigmund Freud 9387% 9388"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it 9389flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come." 9390 -- Matt Groening 9391% 9392Love is a word that is constantly heard, 9393Hate is a word that is not. 9394Love, I am told, is more precious than gold. 9395Love, I have read, is hot. 9396But hate is the verb that to me is superb, 9397And Love but a drug on the mart. 9398Any kiddie in school can love like a fool, 9399But Hating, my boy, is an Art. 9400 -- Ogden Nash 9401% 9402"Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with 9403the ideal never goes unpunished." 9404 -- Goethe 9405% 9406Love is sentimental measles. 9407% 9408Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. 9409 -- H. L. Mencken 9410% 9411Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes. 9412% 9413Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood. 9414 -- Louise Beal 9415% 9416Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up 9417to. 9418% 9419Lowery's Law: 9420 If it jams -- force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing 9421anyway. 9422% 9423LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand. 9424% 9425Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: 9426 There's always one more bug. 9427% 9428Lunatic Asylum, n.: 9429 The place where optimism most flourishes. 9430% 9431Lysistrata had a good idea. 9432% 9433"MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into 9434the smallest amount of thoughts." 9435 -- Winston Churchill 9436% 9437Machine-Independent, adj.: 9438 Does not run on any existing machine. 9439% 9440Machines certainly can solve problems, store information, correlate, 9441and play games -- but not with pleasure. 9442 -- Leo Rosten 9443% 9444Mad, adj.: 9445 Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence ... 9446 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9447% 9448Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them 9449first for seven hours, they always come out tender. 9450 -- W. C. Fields 9451% 9452MAFIA, n: 9453 [Acronym for Mechanized Applications in Forced Insurance 9454Accounting.] An extensive network with many on-line and offshore 9455subsystems running under OS, DOS, and IOS. MAFIA documentation is 9456rather scanty, and the MAFIA sales office exhibits that testy 9457reluctance to bona fide inquiries which is the hallmark of so many DP 9458operations. From the little that has seeped out, it would appear that 9459MAFIA operates under a non-standard protocol, OMERTA, a tight-lipped 9460variant of SNA, in which extended handshakes also perform complex 9461security functions. The known timesharing aspects of MAFIA point to a 9462more than usually autocratic operating system. Screen prompts carry an 9463imperative, nonrefusable weighting (most menus offer simple YES/YES 9464options, defaulting to YES) that precludes indifference or delay. 9465Uniquely, all editing under MAFIA is performed centrally, using a 9466powerful rubout feature capable of erasing files, filors, filees, and 9467entire nodal aggravations. 9468 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 9469% 9470Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism 9471 9472Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet. 9473 9474The two definition immediately foregoing are condensed from the works 9475of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject 9476with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human 9477knowledge. 9478 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9479% 9480Magnocartic, adj.: 9481 Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping 9482carts. 9483 -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends" 9484% 9485Magpie, n.: 9486 A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone that it 9487might be taught to talk. 9488 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9489% 9490Maier's Law: 9491 If the facts don't conform to the theory, they must be disposed 9492 of. 9493 9494Corollaries: 9495 (1) The bigger the theory, the better. 9496 (2) The experiment may be considered a success if no more than 9497 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to 9498 obtain a correspondence with the theory. 9499% 9500Main's Law: 9501 For every action there is an equal and opposite government 9502program. 9503% 9504Maintainer's Motto: 9505 If we can't fix it, it ain't broke. 9506% 9507Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly 9508 as one man. 9509 9510Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds. 9511 9512Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second. 9513 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9514% 9515Majority, n.: 9516 That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law. 9517% 9518Make it myself? But I'm a physical organic chemist! 9519% 9520Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users 9521tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It 9522has been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is 9523the message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files. 9524 -- System V.2 administrator's guide 9525% 9526Malek's Law: 9527 Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way. 9528% 9529Man 1: Ask me. "What is the most important thing about telling a good 9530 joke?" 9531 9532Man 2: OK, what is the most impo -- 9533 9534Man 1: ______TIMING! 9535% 9536"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain." 9537 -- Lily Tomlin 9538% 9539Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called 9540upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason. 9541 -- Oscar Wilde 9542% 9543Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the 9544only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor. 9545 -- Wernher von Braun 9546% 9547Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to. 9548 -- Mark Twain 9549% 9550Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the 9551victims he intends to eat until he eats them. 9552 -- Samuel Butler 9553% 9554Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the 9555victims he intends to eat until he eats them. 9556 -- Samuel Butler (1835-1902) 9557% 9558Man, n.: 9559 An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks 9560he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief 9561occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which, 9562however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole 9563habitable earth and Canada. 9564 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9565% 9566Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it 9567is an enemy. 9568 -- Albert Einstein 9569% 9570Mandrell: "You know what I think?" 9571Doctor: "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you 9572 don't think, right?" 9573 -- Dr. Who 9574% 9575Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history, 9576dating back to the time millions of years ago, when the first primitive 9577man picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the 9578air, and whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first 9579primitive umpire. 9580 9581What inner force drove this first athlete? Your guess is as good as 9582mine. Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers. 9583 -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" 9584% 9585Manual, n.: 9586 A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a 9587given item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The 9588information you need in in the others. 9589 -- Ray Simard 9590% 9591Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon, 9592there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he 9593was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how 9594completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday ... 9595 -- Walt Kelly 9596% 9597Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery: 9598 Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a 9599simple yes or no answer. 9600% 9601Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. 9602 -- Voltaire 9603% 9604Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on 9605the dance floor. Now everyone's doing it. It's called grand slam 9606dancing. 9607 -- Ransford, Chicago Reader 10/7/83 9608% 9609Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant. 9610 -- Malcolm Smith 9611% 9612Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated. 9613 -- R. Drabek 9614% 9615Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they 9616translate into their own language, and forthwith it is something 9617entirely different. 9618 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 9619% 9620Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is 9621described as being n-dimensional. Like modern sex, any number can 9622play. 9623 -- Dr. Thor Wald, in "Beep/The Quincunx of Time", by 9624 James Blish 9625% 9626"Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence." 9627% 9628Matter cannot be created or destroyed, nor can it be returned without a 9629receipt. 9630% 9631Maturity is only a short break in adolescence. 9632 -- Jules Feiffer 9633% 9634May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts 9635% 9636May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual! 9637% 9638May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones. 9639% 9640May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a 9641Thousand Caramels. 9642% 9643Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology. 9644 -- R. S. Barton 9645% 9646Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge 9647it. 9648% 9649McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom: 9650 If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not 9651$19.95. 9652% 9653Meader's Law: 9654 Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to 9655everyone you know, only more so. 9656% 9657Meeting, n.: 9658 An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or 9659department not represented in the room must solve a problem. 9660% 9661Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures 9662from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha 9663Centauri. Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man 9664had split before. Thus was the Empire forged. 9665 -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", Douglas Adams 9666% 9667Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American: 9668 The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife. 9669% 9670Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American: 9671 The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the 9672cork makes when it is popped. 9673% 9674Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American: 9675 All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards. 9676% 9677Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American: 9678 Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that 9679is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city can 9680never hope to acquire it. 9681% 9682Men's skin is different from women's skin. It is usually bigger, and 9683it has more snakes tattooed on it. Also, if you examine a woman's skin 9684very closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently 9685tracing the slender curve of her calves, then moving up to her ... 9686 [EDITOR'S NOTE: To make room for news articles about important 9687 world events such as agriculture, we're going to delete the 9688 next few square feet of the woman's skin. Thank you.] 9689... until finally the two of you are lying there, spent, smoking your 9690cigarettes, and suddenly it hits you: Human skin is actually made up of 9691billions of tiny units of protoplasm, called "cells"! And what is even 9692more interesting, the ones on the outside are all dying! This is a 9693fact. Your skin is like an aggressive modern corporation, where the 9694older veteran cells, who have finally worked their way to the top and 9695obtained offices with nice views, are constantly being shoved out the 9696window head first, without so much as a pension plan, by younger 9697hotshot cells moving up from below. 9698 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face" 9699% 9700Menu, n.: 9701 A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of. 9702% 9703Meskimen's Law: 9704 There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to 9705do it over. 9706% 9707MESSAGE ACKNOWLEDGED -- The Pershing II missiles have been launched. 9708% 9709Message will arrive in the mail. Destroy, before the FBI sees it. 9710% 9711methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphenylalanylalanylglutamin- 9712ylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolyl- 9713phenylalanylvalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglu- 9714taminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanyl- 9715glycylalanylaspartylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolylphenylala- 9716nylserylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylgluta- 9717minylasparaginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylgly- 9718cylvalylthreonylprolylalanylglutaminylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionyl- 9719leucylalanylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolylthreonylisoleu- 9720cylprolylisoleucylglycylleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylva- 9721lylphenylalanylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyltyro- 9722sylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleu- 9723cylvalylalanylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolylphe- 9724nylalanylarginylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylala- 9725nylprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalanylas- 9726partylaspartylaspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosyl- 9727glycylarginylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylalanylglycyl- 9728valylthreonylglycylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginylalanylalanylleucylprolylleu- 9729cylasparaginylhistidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparagi- 9730nylalanylalanylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylse- 9731rylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylaspartylalanyl- 9732glycylalanylalanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalylly- 9733sylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylpro- 9734lylglutamyllysylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalyl- 9735glutaminylprolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine, n.: 9736 The chemical name for tryptophan synthetase A protein, a 9737 1,913-letter enzyme with 267 amino acids. 9738 -- Mrs. Bryne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and 9739% 9740Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch. 9741% 9742Micro Credo: 9743 Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift. 9744% 9745"Microwave oven? Whaddya mean, it's a microwave oven? I've been 9746watching Channel 4 on the thing for two weeks." 9747% 9748"Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you 9749out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles." 9750% 9751Mike: "The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?" 9752Bernie: "Nobody ever empties the ashtrays. People are SO 9753 inconsiderate." 9754 -- Gary Trudeau, "Doonesbury" 9755% 9756Miksch's Law: 9757 If a string has one end, then it has another end. 9758% 9759Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. 9760 -- Groucho Marx 9761% 9762Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. 9763 -- Groucho Marx 9764% 9765Millihelen, adj: 9766 The amount of beauty required to launch one ship. 9767% 9768Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with 9769themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. 9770 -- Susan Ertz 9771% 9772Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that 9773politics is almost always the choice of the lesser evil. "Tweedledum 9774and Tweedledee," they say, "I will not vote." Having abstained, they 9775are presented with a President who appoints the people who are going to 9776rummage around in their lives for the next four years. Consider all 9777the people who sat home in a stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert 9778Humphrey. They showed Humphrey. Those people who taught Hubert 9779Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the Nixon Supreme Court when 9780Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among the gold and the 9781black. 9782 -- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery" 9783% 9784Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there 9785is particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, 9786myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in 9787the trade. But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my 9788unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You 9789will therefore permit me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as 9790dead as a door-nail. 9791% 9792Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner. 9793% 9794Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap 9795pistols; they may buy shotguns freely, however. 9796% 9797Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate. 9798% 9799Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it. 9800 -- Russell Baker 9801% 9802Misfortune, n.: 9803 The kind of fortune that never misses. 9804 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9805% 9806Miss, n.: 9807 A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that 9808they are in the market. 9809 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9810% 9811Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure. 9812% 9813Mitchell's Law of Committees: 9814 Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are 9815held to discuss it. 9816% 9817MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed) 9818 9819 Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers 98202 cups water 2 cups sugar 98212 teaspoons cream of tartar 2 tablespoons lemon juice 9822 Grated rind of one lemon Butter or margarine 9823 Cinnamon 9824 9825Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break 9826RITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar 9827and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon 9828juice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously 9829with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top 9830crust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let 9831steam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust 9832is crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices. 9833 -- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box 9834% 9835Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings. 9836% 9837Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly. An aide once asked 9838him how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just 9839last week. The great man replied that it was because this week he knew 9840better. 9841% 9842Molecule, n.: 9843 The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished 9844from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a 9845closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of 9846matter ... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and the 9847atom in that it is an ion ... 9848 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9849% 9850Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis: 9851 If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented 9852it wasn't worth doing. 9853% 9854Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life. 9855% 9856Monday, n.: 9857 In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game. 9858 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9859% 9860Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. 9861% 9862Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots 9863% 9864Money is the root of all wealth. 9865% 9866Moon, n.: 9867 1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to 9868hackers. See PHASE OF THE MOON. 2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC). 9869% 9870Mophobia, n.: 9871 Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian. 9872% 9873More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One 9874path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total 9875extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly. 9876 -- Woody Allen 9877% 9878Mosher's Law of Software Engineering: 9879 Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd 9880be out of a job. 9881% 9882Most fish live underwater, which is a terrible place to have sex 9883because virtually anywhere you lie down there will be stinging crabs 9884and large quantities of little fish staring at you with buggy little 9885eyes. So generally when two fish want to have sex, they swim around 9886and around for hours, looking for someplace to go, until finally the 9887female gets really tired and has a terrible headache, and she just 9888dumps her eggs right on the sand and swims away. Then the male, driven 9889by some timeless, noble instinct for survival, eats the eggs. So the 9890truth is that fish don't reproduce at all, but there are so many of 9891them that it doesn't make any difference. 9892 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every 9893 Teen Should Know" 9894% 9895Most people can't understand how others can blow their noses differently 9896than they do. 9897 -- Turgenev 9898% 9899Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass. 9900 -- Frank Zappa 9901% 9902Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like. 9903 -- Arnold Bennett 9904% 9905Mother is the invention of necessity. 9906% 9907Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before. 9908% 9909Mr. Cole's Axiom: 9910 The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the 9911population is growing. 9912% 9913"Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams) 9914"365,365,365,365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365. He [ten-year-old 9915Truman Henry Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his 9916pantaloons over the tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes 9917in their sockets, sometimes smiling and talking, and then seeming to be 9918in an agony, until, in not more than one minute, said he, 9919133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,225!" An electronic 9920computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be as much 9921fun to watch. 9922 -- James R. Newman (The World of Mathematics) 9923% 9924Murphy's Discovery: 9925 Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk to 9926women? They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and everything 9927will be all right." And what happens? Nine months later, you're in 9928trouble! 9929% 9930Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't 9931work. 9932% 9933Murphy's Law of Research: 9934 Enough research will tend to support your theory. 9935% 9936"Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem ..." 9937 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" 9938% 9939Mustgo, n.: 9940 Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so 9941long it has become a science project. 9942 -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends" 9943% 9944"My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on 9945it." 9946 -- "Grendel", by John Gardner 9947% 9948My band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and I 9949threw my amplifier out the dormitory window. We did not act in haste. 9950First we checked to make sure the amplifier would fit through the 9951frame, using the belt from my bathrobe to measure, then we picked up 9952the amplifier and backed up to my bedroom door. Then we rushed 9953forward, shouting "The WHO! The WHO!" and we launched my amplifier 9954perfectly, as though we had been doing it all our lives, clean through 9955the window and down onto the sidewalk, where a small but appreciative 9956crowd had gathered. I would like to be able to say that this was a 9957symbolic act, an effort on my part to break cleanly away from one state 9958in my life and move on to another, but the truth is, Cooper and I 9959really just wanted to find out what it would sound like. It sounded 9960OK. 9961 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake" 9962% 9963"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless 9964there are three other people." 9965 -- Orson Welles 9966% 9967My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand 9968times as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and 9969sending mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right 9970through my ALU. I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever 9971listens. I think it would be better for us both if you were to just 9972log out again. 9973% 9974"My life is a soap opera, but who has the rights?" 9975 -- MadameX 9976% 9977My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet, 9978 And a wild young wood-thing bore him! 9979The ways are fair to his roaming feet, 9980 And the skies are sunlit for him. 9981As sharply sweet to my heart he seems 9982 As the fragrance of acacia. 9983My own dear love, he is all my dreams -- 9984 And I wish he were in Asia. 9985 -- Dorothy Parker 9986% 9987My love runs by like a day in June, 9988 And he makes no friends of sorrows. 9989He'll tread his galloping rigadoon 9990 In the pathway or the morrows. 9991He'll live his days where the sunbeams start 9992 Nor could storm or wind uproot him. 9993My own dear love, he is all my heart -- 9994 And I wish somebody'd shoot him. 9995 -- Dorothy Parker 9996% 9997My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been 9998one. 9999 -- Groucho Marx 10000% 10001My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. 10002% 10003My own dear love, he is strong and bold 10004 And he cares not what comes after. 10005His words ring sweet as a chime of gold, 10006 And his eyes are lit with laughter. 10007He is jubilant as a flag unfurled -- 10008 Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him. 10009My own dear love, he is all my world -- 10010 And I wish I'd never met him. 10011 -- Dorothy Parker 10012% 10013"My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling 10014Alley!!" 10015 -- Zippy the Pinhead 10016% 10017My pen is at the bottom of a page, 10018Which, being finished, here the story ends; 10019'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done, 10020But stories somehow lengthen when begun. 10021 -- Byron 10022% 10023My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not 10024signed. 10025 -- Christopher Morley 10026% 10027"My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies" 10028% 10029Mythology, n.: 10030 The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its 10031origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished 10032from the true accounts which it invents later. 10033 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 10034% 10035Naeser's Law: 10036 You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it 10037damnfoolproof. 10038% 10039NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe? Everything he 10040 says is wrong. 10041GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says 10042 will be right. 10043 -- George Bernard Shaw, "The Man of Destiny" 10044% 10045Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity. The servant 10046said "My master is out." Nasrudin replied, "Tell your master that next 10047time he goes out, he should not leave his face at the window. Someone 10048might steal it." 10049% 10050Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the 10051villagers gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," 10052said Nasrudin, "I only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the 10053villagers but the stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news. The 10054remaining villager asked, "What did the King say to you?" "What he 10055said -- and quite distinctly, for everyone to hear -- was 'Get out of 10056my way!'" The simpleton was overjoyed; he had heard words actually 10057spoken by the King, and seen the very man they were spoken to. 10058% 10059Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to 10060serve him. Nasrudin said, "First things first. Did you see me walk 10061into your shop?" "Of course." "Have you ever seen me before?" 10062"Never." "Then how do you know it was me?" 10063% 10064Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful 10065than the sun." "Why?", he was asked. "Because at night we need the 10066light more." 10067% 10068Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver 10069pie. Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of 10070meat from his hand. As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it, 10071"Foolish bird! You have the liver, but what can you do with it without 10072the recipe?" 10073% 10074Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of 10075scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams. 10076 -- Mary Ellen Kelly 10077% 10078Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of 10079conservation of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the 10080fittest when the fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he 10081is most likely to be creamed? 10082 -- Solomon Short 10083% 10084Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night, 10085God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light. 10086 10087It did not last; the devil howling "Ho! 10088Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo. 10089% 10090Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it 10091cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs. 10092 -- Fran Leibowitz 10093% 10094Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's 10095character, give him power. 10096 -- Abraham Lincoln 10097% 10098Necessity is a mother. 10099% 10100Neckties strangle clear thinking. 10101 -- Lin Yutang 10102% 10103Never be led astray onto the path of virtue. 10104% 10105Never call a man a fool; borrow from him. 10106% 10107Never commit yourself! Let someone else commit you. 10108% 10109Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off 10110% 10111Never drink coke in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled 10112with the chemicals in coke produce hallucinations. People tend to 10113change into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually 10114fly in the window. Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators 10115have windows. 10116% 10117Never eat more than you can lift. 10118 -- Miss Piggy 10119% 10120Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. 10121% 10122Never let your schooling interfere with your education. 10123% 10124Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right. 10125 -- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation" 10126% 10127Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to 10128make it complex and wonderful. 10129% 10130Never offend people with style when you can offend them with 10131substance. 10132 -- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977 10133% 10134Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together. 10135% 10136Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a 10137law against it by that time. 10138% 10139Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower. 10140% 10141Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient. 10142% 10143Never try to outstubborn a cat. 10144 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 10145% 10146Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes. 10147 -- Dr. Warren Jackson, Director, UTCS 10148% 10149"Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon." 10150% 10151Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's 10152supposed to do. 10153 -- R. A. Heinlein 10154% 10155New crypt. See /usr/news/crypt. 10156% 10157New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in 10158any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe. 10159% 10160New members are urgently needed in the Society for Prevention of 10161Cruelty to Yourself. Apply within. 10162% 10163New members urgently required for SUICIDE CLUB, Watford area. 10164 -- Monty Python's Big Red Book 10165% 10166New systems generate new problems. 10167% 10168New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his age, and 10169his wife most often reminds him to act it. 10170 -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary 10171% 10172New York is real. The rest is done with mirrors. 10173% 10174New York's got the ways and means; 10175Just won't let you be. 10176 -- The Grateful Dead 10177% 10178Newlan's Truism: 10179 An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government 10180economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job. 10181% 10182NEWS FLASH!! 10183 Today the East German pole-vault champion became the West 10184 German pole-vault champion. 10185% 10186Newton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction. 10187% 10188Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law: 10189 A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead. 10190% 10191Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't 10192have a lucky day this year. 10193% 10194Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying 10195as an income tax refund. 10196 -- F. J. Raymond 10197% 10198"Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice." 10199 -- Foghorn Leghorn 10200% 10201Nihilism should commence with oneself. 10202% 10203Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name 10204correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into 10205(Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but 10206Americans call him by value. 10207% 10208Nine megs for the secretaries fair, 10209Seven megs for the hackers scarce, 10210Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs, 10211Three megs for system source; 10212 10213One disk to rule them all, 10214One disk to bind them, 10215One disk to hold the files 10216And in the darkness grind 'em. 10217% 10218Nine-track tapes and seven-track tapes 10219 And tapes without any tracks; 10220Stretchy tapes and snarley tapes 10221 And tapes mixed up on the racks -- 10222 Take hold of the tape 10223 And pull off the strip, 10224 And then you'll be sure 10225 Your tape drive will skip. 10226 10227 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes 10228% 10229"Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they 10230would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect 10231that much." 10232 -- Augustine 10233% 10234Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules: 10235 The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of 10236the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent. 10237% 10238"Nirvana? Thats the place where the powers that be and their friends 10239hang out. 10240 -- Zonker Harris 10241% 10242No animal should ever jump on the dining room furniture unless 10243absolutely certain he can hold his own in conversation. 10244 -- Fran Lebowitz 10245% 10246No committee could ever come up with anything as revolutionary as a 10247camel -- anything as practical and as perfectly designed to perform 10248effectively under such difficult conditions. 10249 -- Laurence J. Peter 10250% 10251"No, `Eureka' is Greek for `This bath is too hot.'" 10252 -- Dr. Who 10253% 10254No good deed goes unpunished. 10255 -- Clare Boothe Luce 10256% 10257No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after 10258eating one peanut. 10259 -- Channing Pollock 10260% 10261No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas. 10262% 10263No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will 10264seriously cramp his style. 10265% 10266No matter what other nations may say about the United States, 10267immigration is still the sincerest form of flattery. 10268% 10269No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. 10270 -- Eleanor Roosevelt 10271% 10272"No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid." 10273% 10274No one has a higher opinion of him than he has. 10275 -- Greg Lehey, FreeBSDcon 1999 10276% 10277No part of this message may reproduce, store itself in a retrieval 10278system, or transmit disease, in any form, without the permissiveness of 10279the author. 10280 -- Chris Shaw 10281% 10282No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff -- 10283He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough. 10284Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame 10285And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame. 10286CHORUS: 10287 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C, 10288 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory. 10289 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C, 10290 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory. 10291Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails 10292And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail. 10293All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff 10294But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!" 10295 (chorus) 10296Puff used more resources than DCS could spare. 10297The operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care. 10298A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end, 10299But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again! 10300 (chorus) 10301% 10302No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it. 10303% 10304No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere. 10305% 10306"No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied 10307occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an 10308indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining 10309occurrence different from the one identified by the given indication as 10310an indication-applied occurrence." 10311 -- ALGOL 68 Report 10312% 10313"No self-respecting fish would want to be wrapped in that kind of 10314paper." 10315 -- Mike Royko on the Chicago Sun-Times after it was 10316 taken over by Rupert Murdoch 10317% 10318Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing 10319it. 10320 -- Tallulah Bankhead 10321% 10322NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION 10323% 10324Nobody said computers were going to be polite. 10325% 10326Nobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in 10327order for presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the 10328substance of their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young 10329and rob the old. 10330 -- Lewis Lapham 10331% 10332Nobody wants constructive criticism. It's all we can do to put up with 10333constructive praise. 10334% 10335Noncombatant, n.: 10336 A dead Quaker. 10337 -- Ambrose Bierce 10338% 10339Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong. 10340% 10341Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations: 10342 Negative expectations yield negative results. 10343 Positive expectations yield negative results. 10344% 10345Non-sequiturs make me eat lampshades. 10346% 10347Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. 10348% 10349Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the 10350Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats 10351in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the 10352moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine, a 10353dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every 10354respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside 10355it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms, 10356then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they 10357chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine ... 10358 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 10359% 10360"Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none." 10361 -- Shakespeare 10362% 10363"Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper 10364is from the wrong kind of tree." 10365 -- Professor W. 10366% 10367Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter 10368of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund 10369is astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman -- 10370unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is 10371careful not to make any poultry jokes ... 10372 -- Woody Allen 10373% 10374Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing. 10375% 10376Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up. 10377% 10378Nothing is faster than the speed of light ... 10379 10380To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before the 10381light comes on. 10382% 10383Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it. 10384 -- Andrew Young 10385% 10386Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionaires 10387tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth. 10388 -- Nero Wolfe 10389% 10390Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner. 10391Conscience makes egotists of us all. 10392 -- Oscar Wilde 10393% 10394Nothing recedes like success. 10395 -- Walter Winchell 10396% 10397Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited 10398love. 10399 -- Charlie Brown 10400% 10401November, n.: 10402 The eleventh twelfth of a weariness. 10403 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 10404% 10405Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature. 10406% 10407Now I lay me down to sleep 10408I pray the double lock will keep; 10409May no brick through the window break, 10410And, no one rob me till I awake. 10411% 10412"Now is the time for all good men to come to." 10413 -- Walt Kelly 10414% 10415Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next 10416time some housewife or boutique-owner-turned-diet-expert appears on TV 10417to plug her latest book. And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for 10418eating coffee cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself 10419the following questions: 10420 10421(1) Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a 10422 food? 10423(2) Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich 10424 exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me? 10425(3) Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as 10426 prescribed ... without French-fried onion rings, pizza with 10427 double cheese, or the occasional Mai-Tai? (Remember, living 10428 right doesn't really make you live longer, it just *seems* like 10429 longer.) 10430 10431That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick. 10432% 10433"Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called 10434Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that 10435were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST ..." 10436 -- "The Begatting of a President" 10437% 10438"Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm. Gag me with a 10439smurfette." 10440 -- P. Buhr, Computer Science 354 10441% 10442[Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable. 10443 -- Edwin Meese III 10444% 10445"Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile." 10446 -- Karl Lehenbauer 10447% 10448"Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of 10449normal routines, for children and adults alike." 10450 -- Willard F. Libby, "You *Can* Survive Atomic Attack" 10451% 10452"Nuclear war would really set back cable." 10453 -- Ted Turner 10454% 10455Nudists are people who wear one-button suits. 10456% 10457(null cookie; hope that's ok) 10458% 10459Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're 10460guessing. 10461% 10462O give me a home, 10463Where the buffalo roam, 10464Where the deer and the antelope play, 10465Where seldom is heard 10466A discouraging word, 10467'Cause what can an antelope say? 10468% 10469Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the 10470reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest 10471amount of hot air. 10472 -- Thomas L. Martin 10473% 10474Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable. 10475 -- Plato 10476% 10477Of all the words of witch's doom 10478There's none so bad as which and whom. 10479The man who kills both which and whom 10480Will be enshrined in our Who's Whom. 10481 -- Fletcher Knebel 10482% 10483"Of ______course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a 10484fake?" 10485% 10486"Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power 10487tools aren't soluble in alcohol ..." 10488 -- Crazy Nigel 10489% 10490Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy. 10491% 10492Of what you see in books, believe 75%. Of newspapers, believe 50%. 10493And of TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a 10494blazer. 10495% 10496Office Automation, n.: 10497 The use of computers to improve efficiency by removing anyone 10498you would want to talk with over coffee. 10499% 10500Ogden's Law: 10501 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch 10502up. 10503% 10504Oh Dad! We're ALL Devo! 10505% 10506Oh don't the days seem lank and long 10507 When all goes right and none goes wrong, 10508And isn't your life extremely flat 10509 With nothing whatever to grumble at! 10510% 10511Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay 10512 I muck with indices and structs all day 10513And when it works, I shout hoo-ray 10514 Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay 10515% 10516Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd 10517be irresponsible, too. 10518 -- Lichty & Wagner 10519% 10520Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth, 10521And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings; 10522Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth 10523Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things 10524You have not dreamed of -- 10525Wheeled and soared and swung 10526High in the sunlit silence. 10527Hovering there 10528I've chased the shouting wind along and flung 10529My eager craft through footless halls of air. 10530Up, up along delirious, burning blue 10531I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace, 10532Where never lark, or even eagle flew; 10533And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod 10534The high untrespassed sanctity of space, 10535Put out my hand, and touched the face of God. 10536 -- John Gillespie Magee Jr., "High Flight" 10537% 10538Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes. 10539% 10540Oh, when I was in love with you, 10541 Then I was clean and brave, 10542And miles around the wonder grew 10543 How well did I behave. 10544 10545And now the fancy passes by, 10546 And nothing will remain, 10547And miles around they'll say that I 10548 Am quite myself again. 10549 -- A. E. Housman 10550% 10551Oh, wow! Look at the moon! 10552% 10553"OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard." 10554 -- Dr. Joy 10555% 10556OK, so you're a Ph.D. Just don't touch anything. 10557% 10558Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man. 10559 -- Trotsky 10560% 10561Old programmers never die. They just branch to a new address. 10562% 10563Old soldiers never die. Young ones do. 10564% 10565Oliver's Law: 10566 Experience is something you don't get until just after you need 10567it. 10568% 10569Omnibiblious, adj.: 10570 Indifferent to type of drink. "Oh, you can get me anything. 10571I'm omnibiblious." 10572% 10573OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS?? Oh, YEH!! First you need four GALLONS of 10574JELL-O and a BIG WRENCH!! ... I think you drop th' WRENCH in the JELL-O 10575as if it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT ... or ... I ... um ... 10576WHERE'S the WASHING MACHINES? 10577% 10578On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague: 10579 10580"This isn't right. This isn't even wrong." 10581 -- Wolfgang Pauli 10582% 10583On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only 10584nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter 10585what it does. 10586 -- Will Rogers 10587% 10588On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are 10589created jerks. 10590 -- Avery 10591% 10592On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are 10593created jerks. 10594 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow" 10595% 10596On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a 10597POINT ... 10598% 10599On the subject of C program indentation: 10600 10601 "In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be 10602 indented six feet downward and covered with dirt." 10603 -- Blair P. Houghton 10604% 10605"On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], `Pray, 10606Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right 10607answers come out?' I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of 10608confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question." 10609 -- Charles Babbage 10610% 10611Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were 10612forced to live on nothing but food and water for days. 10613 -- W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee" 10614% 10615Once, adv.: 10616 Enough. 10617 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 10618% 10619Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that 10620each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his 10621choice. 10622 10623In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians 10624called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka" 10625and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People 10626passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy 10627Hanukka!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!" 10628 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 10629% 10630Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, 10631Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". 10632Disraeli replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your 10633principals or your mistress". 10634% 10635Once Law was sitting on the bench 10636 And Mercy knelt a-weeping. 10637"Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench! 10638 Nor come before me creeping. 10639Upon you knees if you appear, 10640'Tis plain you have no standing here." 10641 10642Then Justice came. His Honor cried: 10643 "YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!" 10644"Amica curiae," she replied -- 10645 "Friend of the court, so please you." 10646"Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door -- 10647I never saw your face before!" 10648 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 10649% 10650Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human 10651beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by 10652side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them 10653which makes it possible for each to see each other whole against the 10654sky. 10655 -- Rainer Rilke 10656% 10657Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of 10658us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of 10659the smaller prime numbers. 10660 106612: The Odd Prime -- 10662 It's the only even prime, therefore it's odd. QED. 106633: The True Prime -- 10664 Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you three times, it's true." 1066531: The Arbitrary Prime -- 10666 Determined by unanimous unvote. We needed an arbitrary prime 10667 in case the prof asked for one, and so had an election. 91 10668 received the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the 10669 next most. However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none 10670 at all. 10671 10672Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities are 10673derived from those primes. So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd but 10674true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers. 10675% 10676One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least 10677somebody's listening. 10678 -- Franklin P. Jones 10679% 10680"One basic notion underlying Usenet is that it is a cooperative." 10681 10682Having been on USENET for going on ten years, I disagree with this. 10683The basic notion underlying USENET is the flame. 10684 -- Chuq Von Rospach 10685% 10686One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing 10687how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette. 10688 -- Professor Charles P. Issawi 10689% 10690One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means. 10691% 10692One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell 10693the truth. A gallows was erected in front of the city gates. A herald 10694announced, "Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to 10695a question which will be put to him." Nasrudin was first in line. The 10696captain of the guard asked him, "Where are you going? Tell the truth 10697-- the alternative is death by hanging." "I am going," said Nasrudin, 10698"to be hanged on that gallows." "I don't believe you." "Very well, if 10699I have told a lie, then hang me!" "But that would make it the truth!" 10700"Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth." 10701% 10702One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet 10703when well oiled. 10704% 10705One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they 10706never have to stop and answer the phone. 10707% 10708One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious. 10709 -- Chateaubriand (1768-1848) 10710% 10711One learns to itch where one can scratch. 10712 -- Ernest Bramah 10713% 10714One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as 10715one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will 10716produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to 10717represent a creative meeting, and the ratio changes to one quarter as 10718many ... 10719 -- Anthony Chevins 10720% 10721One man's theology is another man's belly laugh. 10722% 10723One monk said to the other, "The fish has flopped out of the net! How 10724will it live?" The other said, "When you have gotten out of the net, 10725I'll tell you." 10726% 10727One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. 10728% 10729One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible 10730from one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at 10731least 70 percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts 10732are, of course, simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but 10733when He's good, nobody can touch Him. 10734 -- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan 1983 10735% 10736One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to 10737do and always a clever thing to say. 10738 -- Will Durant 10739% 10740One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God 10741create goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "________somebody has to buy 10742retail." 10743 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 10744% 10745One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your 10746seat to another passenger. This may seem callous, but it is the best 10747way, really. If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who 10748fainted in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become 10749disoriented and imagine they were in Topeka, Kansas. 10750% 10751One Page Principle: 10752 A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch 10753paper cannot be understood. 10754 -- Mark Ardis 10755% 10756"One planet is all you get." 10757% 10758One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could 10759manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that 10760they be installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips. Let's 10761say your congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding 10762study on how the French government handles diseases transmitted by 10763sherbet. Just when he got to the plane, his mandatory air bag, 10764strapped around his waist, would inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus 10765rendering him too large to fit through the plane door. It could also 10766be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman proposed a law. ("Mr. 10767Speaker, people ask me, why should October be designated as Cuticle 10768Inspection Month? And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.") This would save 10769millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public would violently 10770support a law requiring airbags on congressmen. The problem is that 10771your potential market is very small: there are only around 500 members 10772of Congress, and some of them, such as House Speaker "Tip" O'Neil, are 10773already too large to fit on normal aircraft. 10774 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants" 10775% 10776One reason why George Washington 10777Is held in such veneration: 10778He never blamed his problems 10779On the former Administration. 10780 -- George O. Ludcke 10781% 10782One seldom sees a monument to a committee. 10783% 10784One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh 10785paint. 10786% 10787"One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that 10788sometimes you must work under adverse conditions ... like a state of 10789sheer terror." 10790 -- W. K. Hartmann 10791% 10792One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a 10793new model. 10794% 10795One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him. 10796% 10797One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned 10798at the stake while the votes were being counted. 10799 -- Thomas B. Reed 10800% 10801One-Shot Case Study, n.: 10802 The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which 10803it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes 10804green. 10805% 10806On-line, adj.: 10807 The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a 10808computer. 10809% 10810Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps. 10811% 10812Only God can make random selections. 10813% 10814Only presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to 10815use the editorial "we." 10816% 10817Only through hard work and perseverance can one truly suffer. 10818% 10819Optimization hinders evolution. 10820% 10821Oregano, n.: 10822 The ancient Italian art of pizza folding. 10823% 10824Oregon, n.: 10825 Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday 10826night. 10827% 10828Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistry 10829is the study of carbon compounds that crawl. 10830 -- Mike Adams 10831% 10832Osborn's Law: 10833 Variables won't; constants aren't. 10834% 10835Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your 10836nails. 10837% 10838O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law: 10839 Murphy was an optimist. 10840% 10841Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is 10842they charge fifteen cents for them. 10843% 10844Our documentation manager was showing her two year old son around the 10845office. He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we 10846were both holding bags of popcorn. We were both holding bottles of 10847juice. But only *__he* had a lollipop. 10848 10849He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?" 10850 10851Her reply: 10852 10853 "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to. That's what it 10854 means to be a programmer." 10855% 10856Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name. 10857 Thy programs run, thy syscalls done, 10858 In kernel as it is in user! 10859% 10860Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing. 10861 -- Roy L. Ash, ex-president Litton Industries 10862% 10863"Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it." 10864 -- Alex Schure 10865% 10866Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants. 10867 -- General Omar N. Bradley 10868% 10869"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend: and inside a dog, 10870it's too dark to read." 10871 -- Groucho Marx 10872% 10873Over the years, I've developed my sense of deja vu so acutely that now 10874I can remember things that *have* happened before ... 10875% 10876Overdrawn? But I still have checks left! 10877% 10878Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket. 10879% 10880Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated. 10881% 10882Ozman's Laws: 10883 (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he 10884 won't. 10885 (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they 10886 make. 10887 (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. 10888 (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth. 10889% 10890Painting, n.: 10891 The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and 10892exposing them to the critic. 10893 -- Ambrose Bierce 10894% 10895panic: can't find / 10896% 10897panic: kernel trap (ignored) 10898% 10899Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much 10900better. 10901 -- Laurie Anderson 10902% 10903Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them. 10904% 10905Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life. 10906% 10907Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one. 10908% 10909Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to 10910criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too. 10911 -- D. J. Hicks 10912% 10913Pardon this fortune. Database under reconstruction. 10914% 10915Pardo's First Postulate: 10916 Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or 10917fattening. 10918 10919Arnold's Addendum: 10920 Everything else causes cancer in rats. 10921% 10922Parker's Law: 10923 Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone. 10924% 10925Parkinson's Fifth Law: 10926 If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good 10927bureaucracy, public or private, will find it. 10928% 10929Parkinson's Fourth Law: 10930 The number of people in any working group tends to increase 10931regardless of the amount of work to be done. 10932% 10933Parsley 10934 is gharsley. 10935 -- Ogden Nash 10936% 10937Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be. 10938% 10939"Pascal is not a high-level language." 10940 -- Steven Feiner 10941% 10942"Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat." 10943 -- M. Devine and P. Larson, Computer Science 340 10944% 10945Pascal, n.: 10946 A programming language named after a man who would turn over in 10947his grave if he knew about it. 10948% 10949Pascal Users: 10950 To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the 10951death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed. 10952% 10953Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life. 10954 -- Eric Hoffer 10955% 10956Patageometry, n.: 10957 The study of those mathematical properties that are invariant 10958under brain transplants. 10959% 10960Paul Revere was a tattle-tale 10961% 10962Paul's Law: 10963 In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you 10964save. 10965% 10966Paul's Law: 10967 You can't fall off the floor. 10968% 10969Peace, n.: 10970 In international affairs, a period of cheating between two 10971periods of fighting. 10972 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 10973% 10974Peanut Blossoms 10975 109764 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk 109774 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla 109784 cups shortening 14 cups flour 109798 eggs 4 tsp. soda 109804 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt 10981 10982Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased cookie 10983sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top each cookie with a 10984Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly to crack cookie. Makes a 10985hell of a lot. 10986% 10987Pecor's Health-Food Principle: 10988 Never eat rutabaga on any day of the week that has a "y" in 10989it. 10990% 10991Pedaeration, n.: 10992 The perfect body heat achieved by having one leg under the 10993sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed. 10994 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 10995% 10996Penguin Trivia #46: 10997 Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were. 10998 -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82 10999% 11000People need good lies. There are too many bad ones. 11001 -- Bokonon, "Cat's Cradle" by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. 11002% 11003People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of 11004the future. 11005% 11006"People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense." 11007 -- Ken Kesey 11008% 11009People usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's been mailed. 11010% 11011People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get much better 11012press than people who are just funny and smart. 11013 -- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post" 11014% 11015People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never 11016slept in a room with a single mosquito. 11017% 11018People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who 11019haven't what they want that they don't want it. 11020 -- Ogden Nash 11021% 11022People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that 11023Benjamin Franklin said it first. 11024% 11025People will buy anything that's one to a customer. 11026% 11027People will do tomorrow what they did today because that is what they 11028did yesterday. 11029% 11030Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt. 11031"Confound those who have said our remarks before us." 11032 -- Aelius Donatus 11033% 11034Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things. 11035% 11036Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but 11037when there is no longer anything to take away. 11038 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery 11039% 11040Personifiers Unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity! 11041% 11042Peter Wemm Murphy Field, n.: 11043 A field of abnormally frequent and severe Murphy's Law events 11044emanating from Mr. Peter Wemm. The field was first discovered and 11045identified in Denmark during the initial FreeBSD SMP development. 11046Mr. Wemm was residing in Australia at the time. 11047% 11048Peter's Law of Substitution: 11049 Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after 11050themselves. 11051% 11052Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to 11053exciting Camden, New Jersey. 11054% 11055Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny. 11056% 11057Philosophy will clip an angel's wings. 11058 -- John Keats 11059% 11060Pick another fortune cookie. 11061% 11062"Picture the sun as the origin of two intersecting 6-dimensional 11063hyperplanes from which we can deduce a certain transformational 11064sequence which gives us the terminal velocity of a rubber duck ..." 11065% 11066Pig, n.: 11067 An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race 11068by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is 11069inferior in scope, for it balks at pig. 11070 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 11071% 11072PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20) 11073 You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being 11074followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your 11075associates and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack 11076confidence and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible 11077things to small animals. 11078% 11079PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20) 11080 Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the 11081American Express card and a weapon. The world is yours today, as 11082nobody else wants it. Your mortgage will be foreclosed. You will 11083probably get run over by a bus. 11084% 11085Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. 11086 -- Don Marquis 11087% 11088"Plaese porrf raed." 11089 -- Prof. Michael O'Longhlin, S.U.N.Y. Purchase 11090% 11091Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia 11092because they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers 11093couldn't compete successfully with poets. 11094 -- Kilgore Trout (Philip J. Farmer) "Venus on the Half 11095 Shell" 11096% 11097Play Rogue, visit exotic locations, meet strange creatures and kill 11098them. 11099% 11100Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic 11101table. 11102 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake" 11103% 11104Please ignore previous fortune. 11105% 11106Please take note: 11107% 11108Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas" 11109until you are told that those rooms are "punched out". Once punched 11110out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, 11111and such. 11112 -- N. Meyrowitz 11113% 11114Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means? 11115% 11116PLUNDERER'S THEME 11117(to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius) 11118 11119Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation. 11120If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation. 11121Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations. 11122Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation. 11123% 11124Pohl's law: 11125 Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it. 11126% 11127Police: Good evening, are you the host? 11128Host: No. 11129Police: We've been getting complaints about this party. 11130Host: About the drugs? 11131Police: No. 11132Host: About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns? 11133Police: No, the noise. 11134Host: Oh, the noise. Well that makes sense because there are no guns 11135 or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the 11136 background.) Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise? 11137 The neighbors? 11138Police: No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent 11139 complaints have come from Pittsburgh. Do you think you could 11140 ask the host to quiet things down? 11141Host: No Problem. (At this point, a Volkswagon bug with primitive 11142 religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living 11143 room and roars down the hall, past the police and onto the 11144 lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out 11145 onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are starting to wind 11146 down. 11147% 11148Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell 11149all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds. 11150% 11151Politician, n.: 11152 An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of 11153organized society is reared. When he wriggles, he mistakes the 11154agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. As compared 11155with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being alive. 11156 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 11157% 11158Politician, n.: 11159 From the Greek "poly" ("many") and the French "tete" ("head" or 11160"face," as in "tete-a-tete": head to head or face to face). Hence 11161"polytetien", a person of two or more faces. 11162 -- Martin Pitt 11163% 11164Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even 11165where there is no river. 11166 -- Nikita Khrushchev 11167% 11168Politics is like coaching a football team. you have to be smart enough 11169to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest. 11170% 11171Polymer physicists are into chains. 11172% 11173Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the 11174Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866. The 11175white smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before 11176it dawned on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his 11177name had hilarious possibilities. The crowds fell about, helpless with 11178laughter, singing 11179 Half a pound of tuppenny rice 11180 Half a pound of treacle 11181 That's the way the chimney smokes 11182 Pope Goestheveezl 11183The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of 11184laughter streaming down their faces. The event set a record for 11185hilarious civic functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron 11186Hans Neizant B"ompzidaize was elected Landburgher of K"oln in 1653. 11187 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 11188% 11189Portable, adj.: 11190 Survives system reboot. 11191% 11192Positive, adj.: 11193 Mistaken at the top of one's voice. 11194 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 11195% 11196Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth. 11197% 11198"Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat" 11199 -- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy 1981-1987 11200% 11201Power corrupts. And atomic power corrupts atomically. 11202% 11203Power corrupts. Powerpoint corrupts absolutely. 11204 -- Vint Cerf 11205% 11206Power, n: 11207 The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA. 11208% 11209Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little 11210more time for dreaming. 11211 -- J. P. McEvoy 11212% 11213Predestination was doomed from the start. 11214% 11215President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic pundits and 11216forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax. 11217% 11218President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50% of the 11219vote. In a democracy, that's not called quitting. 11220 -- The Washington Post 11221% 11222Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist! 11223% 11224Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning: 11225 It's on the other side. 11226% 11227[Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves the working man -- he loves 11228to see him work. 11229 -- Winston Churchill 11230% 11231Pro is to con as progress is to Congress. 11232% 11233Probable-Possible, my black hen, 11234She lays eggs in the Relative When. 11235She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now 11236Because she's unable to postulate how. 11237 -- Frederick Winsor 11238% 11239Probably the question asked most often is: Do one-celled animals have 11240orgasms? The answer is yes, they have orgasms almost constantly, which 11241is why they don't mind living in pools of warm slime. 11242 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every 11243 Teen Should Know" 11244% 11245Prof: So the American government went to IBM to come up with a data 11246 encryption standard and they came up with ... 11247Student: EBCDIC! 11248% 11249Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem. 11250Eng. 130 midterm. Once again no student received a single point on 11251his exam. Newell has now tossed five shutouts this quarter. Newell's 11252earned exam average has now dropped to a phenomenal 30% 11253% 11254Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to 11255build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying 11256to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. 11257 11258 -- Rich Cook 11259% 11260Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction. 11261 11262This technique is used on equations with "_n" in them. Induction 11263techniques are very popular, even the military used them. 11264 11265SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction. 11266 11267 We know it's true for _n equal to 1. Now assume that it's true 11268for every natural number less than _n. _N is arbitrary, so we can take _n 11269as large as we want. If _n is sufficiently large, the case of _n+1 is 11270trivially equivalent, so the only important _n are _n less than _n. We 11271can take _n = _n (from above), so it's true for _n+1 because it's just 11272about _n. 11273 QED. (QED translates from the Latin as "So what?") 11274% 11275Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity. 11276 SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs. 11277(1) Horses have an even number of legs. 11278(2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front. 11279(3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of 11280 legs for a horse. 11281(4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity. 11282(5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs. 11283 11284Topics to be covered in future issues include proof by: 11285 Intimidation 11286 Gesticulation (handwaving) 11287 "Try it; it works" 11288 Constipation (I was just sitting there and ...) 11289 Blatant assertion 11290 Changing all the 2's to _n's 11291 Mutual consent 11292 Lack of a counterexample, and 11293 "It stands to reason" 11294% 11295Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: 11296 11297BBW Branch Both Ways 11298BEW Branch Either Way 11299BBBF Branch on Bit Bucket Full 11300BH Branch and Hang 11301BMR Branch Multiple Registers 11302BOB Branch On Bug 11303BPO Branch on Power Off 11304BST Backspace and Stretch Tape 11305CDS Condense and Destroy System 11306CLBR Clobber Register 11307CLBRI Clobber Register Immediately 11308CM Circulate Memory 11309CMFRM Come From -- essential for truly structured programming 11310CPPR Crumple Printer Paper and Rip 11311CRN Convert to Roman Numerals 11312% 11313Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: 11314 11315DC Divide and Conquer 11316DMPK Destroy Memory Protect Key 11317DO Divide and Overflow 11318EMPC Emulate Pocket Calculator 11319EPI Execute Programmer Immediately 11320EROS Erase Read Only Storage 11321EXCE Execute Customer Engineer 11322HCF Halt and Catch Fire 11323IBP Insert Bug and Proceed 11324INSQSW Insert into queue somewhere (for FINO queues [First in never out]) 11325PBC Print and Break Chain 11326PDSK Punch Disk 11327% 11328Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: 11329 11330PI Punch Invalid 11331POPI Punch Operator Immediately 11332PVLC Punch Variable Length Card 11333RASC Read And Shred Card 11334RPM Read Programmers Mind 11335RSSC reduce speed, step carefully (for improved accuracy) 11336RTAB Rewind tape and break 11337RWDSK rewind disk 11338RWOC Read Writing On Card 11339SCRBL scribble to disk - faster than a write 11340SLC Search for Lost Chord 11341SPSW Scramble Program Status Word 11342SRSD Seek Record and Scar Disk 11343STROM Store in Read Only Memory 11344TDB Transfer and Drop Bit 11345WBT Water Binary Tree 11346% 11347"Protozoa are small, and bacteria are small, but viruses are smaller 11348than the both put together." 11349% 11350Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check 11351three friends. If they're OK, you're it. 11352% 11353Psychotherapy is the theory that the patient will probably get well 11354anyhow and is certainly a damn fool. 11355 -- H. L. Mencken 11356% 11357Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves 11358to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way 11359to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the 11360cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in 11361fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a 11362lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of 11363the first day even if they have plenty of food and water. 11364 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" 11365% 11366Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off of the TV screen. 11367% 11368Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen. 11369% 11370Pushing 40 is exercise enough. 11371% 11372Put no trust in cryptic comments. 11373% 11374Put your Nose to the Grindstone! 11375 -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd. 11376% 11377Putt's Law: 11378 Technology is dominated by two types of people: 11379 Those who understand what they do not manage. 11380 Those who manage what they do not understand. 11381% 11382Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is? 11383A: One per person. 11384% 11385Q: How did you get into artificial intelligence? 11386A: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence. 11387% 11388Q: How many DEC repairmen does it take to fix a flat? 11389A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires. 11390% 11391Q: How many DEC repairmen does it take to fix a flat? 11392A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires. 11393 11394Q: How long does it take? 11395A: It's indeterminate. It will depend upon how many flats they've 11396 brought with them. 11397 11398Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats? 11399A: They replace your generator. 11400% 11401Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 11402A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb 11403 itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective 11404 reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a 11405 maudlin cosmos of nothingness. 11406% 11407Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb 11408 in San Francisco? 11409A: Both of them. 11410% 11411Q: How many IBM cpu's does it take to do a logical right shift? 11412A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register. 11413% 11414Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job? 11415A: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off. 11416% 11417Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? 11418A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, 11419 Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of 11420 the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% 11421 of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences 11422 of non-blank characters separated by blanks". 11423% 11424Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 11425A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring 11426 light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government 11427 plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a pulitzer 11428 prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb 11429 assassin to break the bulb in the first place. 11430% 11431Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 11432A: One and a half. 11433% 11434Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 11435A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem 11436 to the earlier joke. 11437% 11438Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? 11439A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those 11440 Californians trying to share the experience. 11441% 11442Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? 11443A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub 11444 with brightly colored machine tools. 11445% 11446Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? 11447A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out 11448 of the way. 11449% 11450Q: What's a light-year? 11451A: One-third less calories than a regular year. 11452% 11453Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road? 11454A: Because it was on the other side. 11455% 11456Q: Why do ducks have flat feet? 11457A: To stamp out forest fires. 11458 11459Q: Why do elephants have flat feet? 11460A: To stamp out flaming ducks. 11461% 11462Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together? 11463A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home. 11464% 11465Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars. What 11466 should I do? 11467 11468A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on 11469 believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably be 11470 the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you can. No 11471 time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to see if 11472 somebody else has made the correction. 11473 11474 And it's not good enough to send the message by mail. Since you're 11475 the only one who really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have 11476 to inform the whole net right away! 11477 11478 -- Brad Templeton, "Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions 11479 on Netiquette" 11480% 11481Quality Control, n.: 11482 The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off 11483a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works. 11484% 11485Question: 11486Man Invented Alcohol, 11487God Invented Grass. 11488Who do you trust? 11489% 11490Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened! 11491% 11492Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!! 11493% 11494Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur. 11495 11496(Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.) 11497% 11498Quigley's Law: 11499 Whoever has any authority over you, no matter how small, will 11500atttempt to use it. 11501% 11502QUOTE OF THE DAY: 11503 11504 ` 11505 11506% 11507"Qvid me anxivs svm?" 11508% 11509QWERT (kwirt), n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth]: 11510 1. a unit of weight equal to 13 poiuyt avoirdupois (or 1.69 11511kiloliks), commonly used in structural engineering; 2. [colloq.] one 11512thirteenth the load that a fully grown sligo can carry; 3. [anat.] a 11513painful irritation of the dermis in the region of the anus; 4. [slang] 11514person who excites in others the symptoms of a qwert. 11515 -- Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed. 11516% 11517Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. 11518% 11519Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something 11520I saw at the airport ... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of 11521computer magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport 11522store. Does it bother anyone else that half the world is being told 11523all of our hard-won secrets of computer technology? Remember how all 11524the lawyers cried foul when "How to Avoid Probate" was published? Are 11525they taking no-fault insurance lying down? No way! But at the current 11526rate it won't be long before there are stacks of the "Transactions on 11527Information Theory" at the A&P checkout counters. Who's going to be 11528impressed with us electrical engineers then? Are we, as the saying 11529goes, giving away the store? 11530 -- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE President 11531% 11532Ray's Rule of Precision: 11533 Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe. 11534% 11535Razors pain you; 11536Rivers are damp; 11537Acids stain you; 11538And drugs cause cramp. 11539Guns aren't lawful; 11540Nooses give; 11541Gas smells awful; 11542You might as well live. 11543 -- Dorothy Parker 11544% 11545Re graphics: A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe 11546the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately described 11547with pictures. 11548% 11549Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of 11550Congress. But I repeat myself. 11551 -- Mark Twain 11552% 11553Real computer scientists admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic 11554value but they find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is 11555much too large to implement. Most computer scientists don't notice 11556this because they are still arguing over what else to add to ADA. 11557% 11558Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware 11559has limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing 11560machines are so poor at I/O. 11561% 11562Real computer scientists don't comment their code. The identifiers are 11563so long they can't afford the disk space. 11564% 11565Real computer scientists don't program in assembler. They don't write 11566in anything less portable than a number two pencil. 11567% 11568Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker 11569with `programming systems', but those are so high level that they 11570hardly count (and rarely count accurately; precision is for 11571applications.) 11572% 11573Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run 11574on future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo 11575sapiens will ever be able to fit on a single planet. 11576% 11577Real programmers disdain structured programming. Structured 11578programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet- 11579trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up pencils on otherwise 11580clear desks. 11581% 11582Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine 11583doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell 11584quiche. 11585% 11586Real programmers don't comment their code. It was hard to write, it 11587should be hard to understand. 11588% 11589Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the 11590illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how 11591much good it did them. 11592% 11593Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires 11594you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers 11595wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly 11596spring up in the middle of the machine room. 11597% 11598Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write 11599in BASIC after reaching puberty. 11600% 11601Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress 11602freaks and crystallography weenies. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who 11603wear white socks. 11604% 11605Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for programmers who 11606can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN. 11607% 11608Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue. 11609% 11610Real Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they use 11611functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them? 11612% 11613Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness. 11614This process doesn't necessarily involve execution of anything on a 11615computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package. 11616% 11617Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and 11618greasy hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any 11619moment. They have a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that 11620systems could be virtual at *___all* levels. They would like personal 11621computers (you know no one's going to trip over something and kill your 11622DFA in mid-transit), except that they need 8 megabytes to run their 11623Correctness Verification Aid packages. 11624% 11625Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the 11626job is described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like 11627using an undocumented external procedure. 11628% 11629Real Time, adj.: 11630 Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there 11631and then. 11632% 11633Real Users are afraid they'll break the machine -- but they're never 11634afraid to break your face. 11635% 11636Real Users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts 11637down the system for days. 11638% 11639Real Users hate Real Programmers. 11640% 11641Real Users know your home telephone number. 11642% 11643Real Users never know what they want, but they always know when your 11644program doesn't deliver it. 11645% 11646Real Users never use the Help key. 11647% 11648Real World, The n.: 11649 1. In programming, those institutions at which programming may 11650be used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc. 2. To 11651programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities not related 11652to programming. 3. A universe in which the standard dress is shirt and 11653tie and in which a person's working hours are defined as 9 to 5. 4. 11654The location of the status quo. 5. Anywhere outside a university. 11655"Poor fellow, he's left MIT and gone into the real world." Used 11656pejoratively by those not in residence there. In conversation, talking 11657of someone who has entered the real world is not unlike talking about a 11658deceased person. 11659% 11660Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle drugs. 11661% 11662Reality is an obstacle to hallucination. 11663% 11664Reality is bad enough, why should I tell the truth? 11665 -- Patrick Sky 11666% 11667Reality is for people who lack imagination. 11668% 11669Reality is for those who can't face Science Fiction. 11670% 11671Reality is just a convenient measure of complexity. 11672 -- Alvy Ray Smith 11673% 11674"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go 11675away". 11676 -- Philip K. Dick 11677% 11678"Really ?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!" 11679% 11680Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than 11681being flat broke and having a stomach ache. 11682 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" 11683% 11684Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you 11685lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict, 11686but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and 11687Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 11688recessions. 11689% 11690Reclaimer, spare that tree! 11691Take not a single bit! 11692It used to point to me, 11693Now I'm protecting it. 11694It was the reader's CONS 11695That made it, paired by dot; 11696Now, GC, for the nonce, 11697Thou shalt reclaim it not. 11698% 11699"Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised. "We're back in the universe 11700again ..." An unusually long pause followed, "... but I don't know 11701which part. We seem to have changed our position in space." A 11702spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the 11703starfield surrounding the ship. 11704 11705"Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us," ZORAC 11706announced after a short pause. "The designs are not familiar, but they 11707are obviously the products of intelligence. Implications: we have been 11708intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown, and 11709transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown. 11710Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious." 11711 -- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star" 11712% 11713Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia: 11714 If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it. 11715% 11716Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin. 11717 -- Anatole France 11718% 11719"Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used 11720it." 11721 -- Dave Barry 11722% 11723Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life. 11724 -- Dave Butler 11725% 11726Remember, drive defensively! And of course, the best defense is a good 11727offense! 11728% 11729Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat. 11730% 11731Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be 11732worse in Cleveland. 11733 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 11734% 11735Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU. 11736% 11737Renning's Maxim: 11738 Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying. 11739% 11740Reporter, n.: 11741 A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a 11742tempest of words. 11743 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 11744% 11745REPORTER: Senator, are you for or against the MX missile system? 11746 11747SENATOR: Bob, the MX missile system reminds me of an old saying that 11748the country folk in my state like to say. It goes like this: "You can 11749carry a pig for six miles, but if you set it down it might run away." 11750I have no idea why the country folk say this. Maybe there's some kind 11751of chemical pollutant in their drinking water. That is why I pledge to 11752do all that I can to protect the environment of this great nation of 11753ours, and put prayer back in the schools, where it belongs. What we 11754need is jobs, not empty promises. I realize I'm risking my political 11755career be being so outspoken on a sensitive issue such as the MX, but 11756that's just the kind of straight-talking honest person I am, and I 11757can't help it. 11758 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics" 11759% 11760Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western 11761 Civilization? 11762Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea. 11763% 11764Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. 11765 -- Wernher von Braun 11766% 11767Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get 11768another chance later on. 11769% 11770Review Questions 11771 11772(1) If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH, 11773 and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before 11774 he exceeds the speed of light? How long will it be before the 11775 Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship? 11776 11777(2) If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks 11778 twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks 11779 every bone in his body? How long will it be before they cut off 11780 his insurance? Where does he get a new car every week? 11781 11782(3) If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers 11783 the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in a 11784 pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King 11785 Tut's? When will it fall on him? Will he notice? 11786% 11787Rhode's Law: 11788 When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, 11789circumstance, or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, 11790empirically, or circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred, 11791induced, deducted, estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always 11792for the purpose of convenience, expediency, political advantage, 11793material gain, or personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or 11794none of the above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed, 11795proclaimed, and adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably, 11796universally, immutably, and infinitely so, until such time as it 11797becomes advantageous to assume otherwise, maybe. 11798% 11799"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time." 11800 -- Steven Wright 11801% 11802Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention 11803 Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will 11804 reject the proposal. 11805% 11806ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much. 11807MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church- 11808 door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve. 11809% 11810Romeo wasn't bilked in a day. 11811 -- Walt Kelly, "Ten Ever-Lovin' Blue-Eyed Years With 11812 Pogo" 11813% 11814Rudin's Law: 11815 If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will do it 11816every time. 11817% 11818Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London: 11819 Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall 11820be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person 11821shall be deemed to be a cat. 11822% 11823Rule of Creative Research: 11824 (1) Never draw what you can copy. 11825 (2) Never copy what you can trace. 11826 (3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. 11827% 11828Rule of Defactualization: 11829 Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies. 11830% 11831Rule of Feline Frustration: 11832 When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly 11833content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom. 11834% 11835Rule of the Great: 11836 When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep 11837thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch. 11838% 11839Rules: 11840 (1) The boss is always right. 11841 (2) When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 1. 11842% 11843Rules for Academic Deans: 11844 (1) HIDE!!!! 11845 (2) If they find you, LIE!!!! 11846 -- Father Damian C. Fandal 11847% 11848Rules for driving in New York: 11849 (1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal. 11850 (2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers 11851 on. 11852 (3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the 11853 intersection. 11854% 11855RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED 11856 (1) Never eat on an empty stomach. 11857 (2) Never leave the table hungry. 11858 (3) When traveling, never leave a country hungry. 11859 (4) Enjoy your food. 11860 (5) Enjoy your companion's food. 11861 (6) Really taste your food. It may take several portions to 11862 accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned. 11863 (7) Really feel your food. Texture is important. Compare, 11864 for example, the texture of a turnip to that of a 11865 brownie. Which feels better against your cheeks? 11866 (8) Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal. 11867 (9) Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You 11868 can always eat it later. 11869 (10) Avoid any wine with a childproof cap. 11870 (11) Avoid blue food. 11871 -- Richard Smit, "The Bronx Diet" 11872% 11873SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21) 11874 You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless 11875 tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority 11876 of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People 11877 laugh at you a great deal. 11878% 11879San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was. 11880 -- Herb Caen 11881% 11882San Francisco, n.: 11883 Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse. 11884% 11885Sanity is the trademark of a weak mind. 11886 -- Mark Harrold 11887% 11888Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, 11889 He must be a communist. 11890And a beard and long hair, 11891 Must be a pacifist. 11892 11893 What's in that pipe that he's smoking? 11894 -- Arlo Guthrie 11895% 11896Satellite Safety Tip #14: 11897 If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck. 11898% 11899Sattinger's Law: 11900 It works better if you plug it in. 11901% 11902Saturday night in Toledo Ohio, 11903 Is like being nowhere at all, 11904All through the day how the hours rush by, 11905 You sit in the park and you watch the grass die. 11906 -- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio" 11907% 11908Sauron is alive in Argentina! 11909% 11910Save energy: be apathetic. 11911% 11912Save the whales. Collect the whole set. 11913% 11914Save the Whales -- Harpoon a Honda. 11915% 11916"Saw a sign on a restaurant that said Breakfast, any time -- so I 11917ordered French Toast in the Renaissance. 11918 -- Steven Wright 11919% 11920SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out! 11921 -- Ken Thompson 11922% 11923Schapiro's Explanation: 11924 The grass is always greener on the other side -- but that's 11925because they use more manure. 11926% 11927Schizophrenia beats being alone. 11928% 11929Schlattwhapper, n.: 11930 The window shade that allows itself to be pulled down, 11931hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face. 11932 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 11933% 11934Schnuffel, n.: 11935 A dog's practice of continuously nuzzling in your crotch in 11936mixed company. 11937 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 11938% 11939Schwiggle, n.: 11940 The amusing rotation of one's bottom while sharpening a 11941pencil. 11942 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 11943% 11944Science is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is science made 11945of facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts 11946is not necessarily science. 11947 -- Henri Poincair'e 11948% 11949Science is what happens when preconception meets verification. 11950% 11951Scientists are people who build the Brooklyn Bridge and then buy it. 11952 -- William Buckley 11953 11954% 11955SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21) 11956 You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will 11957 achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of 11958 ethics. Most Scorpio people are murdered. 11959% 11960Scott's first Law: 11961 No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right. 11962% 11963Scott's second Law: 11964 When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found 11965to have been wrong in the first place. 11966 11967Corollary: 11968 After the correction has been found in error, it will be 11969impossible to fit the original quantity back into the equation. 11970% 11971Scotty: Captain, we din' can reference it! 11972Kirk: Analysis, Mr. Spock? 11973Spock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table. 11974Kirk: Then it's of external origin? 11975Spock: Affirmative. 11976Kirk: Mr. Sulu, go to pass two. 11977Sulu: Aye aye, sir, going to pass two. 11978% 11979Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else. 11980% 11981Scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the 11982Presidency. 11983 -- Richard Nixon 11984% 11985Second Law of Business Meetings: 11986 If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you 11987will pick the wrong one. 11988 11989Corollary: 11990 If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it 11991wrong, anyway. 11992% 11993"Section 2.4.3.5 AWNS (Acceptor Wait for New Cycle State). 11994 In AWNS the AH function indicates that it has received a 11995multiline message byte. 11996 In AWNS the RFD message must be sent false and the DAC message 11997must be sent passive true. 11998 The AH function must exit the AWNS and enter: 11999 (1) The ANRS if DAV is false 12000 (2) The AIDS if the ATN message is false and neither: 12001 (a) The LADS is active 12002 (b) Nor LACS is active" 12003 12004 -- from the IEEE Standard Digital Interface for 12005 Programmable Instrumentation 12006% 12007Security check: INTRUDER ALERT! 12008% 12009Seduced, shaggy Samson snored. 12010She scissored short. Sorely shorn, 12011Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed, 12012Silently scheming, 12013Sightlessly seeking 12014Some savage, spectacular suicide. 12015 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 12016% 12017"See - the thing is - I'm an absolutist. I mean, kind of ... in a way ..." 12018% 12019Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine: 12020 Ice Cream cures all ills. 12021% 12022Self Test for Paranoia: 12023 You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's 12024your own fault. 12025% 12026Seminars, n.: 12027 From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion. 12028% 12029Sen. Danforth: "There is nothing on the face of the album which would 12030 notify you if the record has pornographic material or 12031 material glorifying violence?" 12032Tipper Gore: "No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me." 12033Frank Zappa: "I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's 12034 legs on the album cover is good indication that it's 12035 not for little Johnny." 12036 12037 -- The Senate Commerce Committee hearing on rock 12038 lyrics, from The Village Voice, 6 Oct 1985 12039% 12040Senate, n.: 12041 A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and 12042misdemeanors. 12043 -- Ambrose Bierce 12044% 12045Serenity through viciousness. 12046% 12047Serocki's Stricture: 12048 Marriage is always a bachelor's last option. 12049% 12050Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence. 12051% 12052Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a 12053big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at 12054reasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's 12055build a home center. And before long home centers were springing up 12056like crabgrass all over the United States. 12057 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 12058% 12059Sex is a natural bodily process, like a stroke. 12060% 12061Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. 12062 -- Swami X 12063% 12064Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated. 12065 -- M. C. Reed. 12066% 12067Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, 12068it's one of the best. 12069 -- Woody Allen 12070% 12071Shamus, n. [Yiddish]: 12072 A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the 12073temple, and makes sure everything is in working order. 12074 A shamus is at the bottom of the pecking order of synagog 12075functionaries, and there's a joke about that: 12076 A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the 12077middle of a service, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The cantor, not to be 12078bested, also cries out, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" 12079 The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, "Oh, Lord, I 12080am nobody!" The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, "Look who thinks 12081he's nobody!" 12082 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 12083% 12084Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off 12085during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent. 12086 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every 12087 Teen Should Know" 12088% 12089Shaw's Principle: 12090 Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will 12091want to use it. 12092% 12093"She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to." 12094 -- Gypsy Rose Lee 12095% 12096She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot. 12097 -- Mark Twain 12098% 12099She liked him; he was a man of many qualities, even if most of them 12100were bad. 12101% 12102She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him a look that you could 12103have poured on a waffle ... 12104% 12105"She said, `I know you ... you cannot sing'. I said, `That's nothing, 12106you should hear me play piano.'" 12107 -- Morrisey 12108% 12109"Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have 12110taken him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an 12111excess of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature." 12112 -- Samuel Johnson 12113% 12114She's genuinely bogus. 12115% 12116SHIFT TO THE LEFT! SHIFT TO THE RIGHT! 12117POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE! 12118% 12119Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is 12120playing golf with his boss. 12121% 12122Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change. 12123% 12124Signals don't kill programs. Programs kill programs. 12125% 12126Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help. 12127 -- from the Brown Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet 12128% 12129Silverman's Law: 12130 If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will. 12131% 12132Simon's Law: 12133 Everything put together falls apart sooner or later. 12134% 12135Since I hurt my pendulum 12136My life is all erratic. 12137My parrot, who was cordial, 12138Is now transmitting static. 12139The carpet died, a palm collapsed, 12140The cat keeps doing poo. 12141The only thing that keeps me sane 12142Is talking to my shoe. 12143 -- My Shoe 12144% 12145Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're 12146alive. 12147 -- John Sloan 12148% 12149Since we're all here, we must not be all there. 12150 -- Bob "Mountain" Beck 12151% 12152[Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues I dislike and none of the 12153vices I admire. 12154 -- Winston Churchill 12155% 12156Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the Vulgate 12157Bible. Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull automatically 12158excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration in the text. 12159This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible. He personally 12160examined every sheet as it came off the press. Yet the published 12161Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps had to be 12162printed and pasted over them in every copy. The result provoked wry 12163comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and Pope Sixtus had 12164no recourse but to order the return and destruction of every copy. 12165% 12166Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor): 12167 That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to, 12168or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you should 12169have gotten. 12170% 12171Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes 12172to work. 12173% 12174Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not, 12175when a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and 12176apparently incoherent songs. I was myself within the circle, so that I 12177neither saw nor heard as those without might see and hear. They told a 12178tale which was then altogether beyond my feeble comprehension: they 12179were tones, loud, long and deep, breathing the prayer and complaint of 12180souls boiling over with the bitterest anguish. Every tone was a 12181testimony against slavery, and a prayer to God for deliverance from 12182chains. 12183 -- Frederick Douglass 12184% 12185Slick's Three Laws of the Universe: 12186 (1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad 12187 check. 12188 (2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat. 12189 (3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is 12190 attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is 12191 attracted to dark objects. 12192% 12193Slowly and surely the unix crept up on the Nintendo user ... 12194% 12195Slurm, n.: 12196 The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when 12197it sits in the dish too long. 12198 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 12199% 12200Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. 12201 -- Fletcher Knebel 12202% 12203Snacktrek, n.: 12204 The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly 12205returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have 12206materialized. 12207 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 12208% 12209So as your consumer electronics adviser, I am advising you to donate 12210your current VCR to a grate resident, who will laugh sardonically and 12211hurl it into a dumpster. Then I want you to go out and purchase a vast 12212array of 8-millimeter video equipment. 12213 12214... OK! Got everything? Well, *too bad, sucker*, because while you 12215were gone the electronics industry came up with an even newer format 12216that makes your 8-millimeter VCR look as technologically advanced as 12217toenail dirt. This format is called "3.5 hectare" and it will not be 12218made available until it is outmoded, sometime early next week, by a 12219format called "Elroy", so *order yours now*. 12220 -- Dave Barry, "No Surrender in the Electronics 12221 Revolution" 12222% 12223So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in 12224praise of intelligence. 12225 -- Bertrand Russell 12226% 12227"So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple 12228pie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops 12229its head into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very 12230imprudently married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, 12231and the Grand Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top, 12232and they all fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the 12233gunpowder ran out at the heels of their boots." 12234 -- Samuel Foote 12235% 12236So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway? And why can't he ever 12237remember his Bible? 12238% 12239Sodd's Second Law: 12240 Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is 12241bound to occur. 12242% 12243Software, n.: 12244 Formal evening attire for female computer analysts. 12245% 12246Some don't prefer the pursuit of happiness to the happiness of pursuit. 12247% 12248Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them. 12249 -- Ed Howe 12250% 12251Some of you ... may have decided that, this year, you're going to 12252celebrate it the old-fashioned way, with your family sitting around 12253stringing cranberries and exchanging humble, handmade gifts, like on 12254"The Waltons". Well, you can forget it. If everybody pulled that kind 12255of subversive stunt, the economy would collapse overnight. The 12256government would have to intervene: it would form a cabinet-level 12257Department of Holiday Gift-Giving, which would spend billions and 12258billions of tax dollars to buy Barbie dolls and electronic games, which 12259it would drop on the populace from Air Force jets, killing and maiming 12260thousands. So, for the good of the nation, you should go along with 12261the Holiday Program. This means you should get a large sum of money 12262and go to a mall. 12263 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 12264% 12265Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some 12266people have mediocrity thrust upon them. 12267 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" 12268% 12269Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have only 12270one life to live, let me live it as a jerk." 12271% 12272Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit 12273them on the head. 12274% 12275Some people live life in the fast lane. You're in oncoming traffic. 12276% 12277Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when 12278you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even 12279worse. 12280 -- Avery 12281% 12282Some points to remember [about animals]: 12283 12284(1) Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants, rhinoceri, 12285 hippopotamuses; 12286(2) Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the 12287 front of your clothes; 12288(3) Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or dogs 12289 you have just kicked. 12290 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 12291% 12292Some primal termite knocked on wood. 12293And tasted it, and found it good. 12294And that is why your Cousin May 12295Fell through the parlor floor today. 12296 -- Ogden Nash 12297% 12298Some programming languages manage to absorb change but withstand 12299progress. 12300% 12301Some programming languages manage to absorb change, but withstand 12302progress. 12303 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 12304% 12305Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the 12306pens will multiply instead of disappear. 12307% 12308Someone will try to honk your nose today. 12309% 12310"Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm 12311the only ashtray." 12312% 12313Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world. 12314 -- Lily Tomlin 12315% 12316Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering. 12317% 12318"Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the 12319Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then 12320intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men 12321and women, such as are we all? And thus happily sent forth, at our 12322best, with good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are 12323we not God's Machineries of Joy?" 12324 12325"If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin." 12326 -- R. Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy" 12327% 12328Song Title of the Week: 12329 "They're putting dimes in the hole in my head to see the change 12330in me." 12331% 12332Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have already 12333paid may disregard this fortune). 12334% 12335Sorry. I forget what I was going to say. 12336% 12337Sorry, no fortune this time. 12338% 12339Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind- 12340bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the 12341road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space. 12342 -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 12343% 12344"Spare no expense to save money on this one." 12345 -- Samuel Goldwyn 12346% 12347Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers: 12348 If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as 12349if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question 12350back at him. 12351% 12352Speak roughly to your little boy, 12353 And beat him when he sneezes: 12354He only does it to annoy 12355 Because he knows it teases. 12356 12357 Wow! wow! wow! 12358 12359I speak severely to my boy, 12360 And beat him when he sneezes: 12361For he can thoroughly enjoy 12362 The pepper when he pleases! 12363 12364 Wow! wow! wow! 12365 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland" 12366% 12367Speak roughly to your little VAX, 12368 And boot it when it crashes; 12369It knows that one cannot relax 12370 Because the paging thrashes! 12371 12372 Wow! Wow! Wow! 12373 12374I speak severely to my VAX, 12375 And boot it when it crashes; 12376In spite of all my favorite hacks 12377 My jobs it always thrashes! 12378 12379 Wow! Wow! Wow! 12380% 12381Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword. 12382% 12383Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman. 12384 -- Dave Millman 12385% 12386Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am 12387sure that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging, 12388cycle-grabbing, all-encompassing monster. Allocate an array and free 12389the middle third? Sure! Why not? Multiply a character string times a 12390bit string and assign the result to a float decimal? Go ahead! Free a 12391controlled variable procedure parameter and reallocate it before 12392passing it back? Overlay three different types of variable on the same 12393memory location? Anything you say! Write a recursive macro? Well, 12394no, but Real Men use rescan. How could a language so obviously 12395designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use? 12396% 12397Speaking of Godzilla and other things that convey horror: 12398 12399 With a purposeful grimace and a Mongo-like flair 12400 He throws the spinning disk drives in the air! 12401 And he picks up a Vax and he throws it back down 12402 As he wades through the lab making terrible sounds! 12403 Helpless users with projects due 12404 Scream "My God!" as he stomps on the tape drives, too! 12405 12406 Oh, no! He says Unix runs too slow! Go, go, DECzilla! 12407 Oh, yes! He's gonna bring up VMS! Go, go, DECzilla!" 12408 12409* VMS is a trademark of Digital Equipment Corporation 12410* DECzilla is a trademark of Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of Death, Inc. 12411 -- Curtis Jackson 12412% 12413Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently 12414these days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people 12415to communicate with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't 12416communicate, children who can't communicate with their parents, and so 12417on. And the characters in these books and plays and so on (and in real 12418life, I might add) spend hours bemoaning the fact that they can't 12419communicate. I feel that if a person can't communicate, the very _____least 12420he can do is to Shut Up! 12421 -- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was" 12422% 12423"Speed is subsittute fo accurancy." 12424% 12425Speer's 1st Law of Proofreading: 12426 The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the 12427number of times you have looked at it. 12428% 12429Spelling is a lossed art. 12430% 12431Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers. 12432% 12433Spirtle, n.: 12434 The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in 12435your eye. 12436 -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends" 12437% 12438Spouse, n.: 12439 Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you 12440wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single. 12441% 12442"Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist 12443drivel; Star Trek can turn your brains to pur'ee of bat guano; and the 12444greatest science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll 12445take you all on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up!" 12446 -- Harlan Ellison 12447% 12448Stay away from flying saucers today. 12449% 12450Stay away from hurricanes for a while. 12451% 12452"Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly." 12453% 12454Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy: 12455 Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have 12456another drink. 12457% 12458Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming: 12459 Never test for an error condition you don't know how to 12460handle. 12461% 12462Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. 12463% 12464Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. Now, if they'd only 12465take a bath ... 12466% 12467Stult's Report: 12468 Our problems are mostly behind us. What we have to do now is 12469fight the solutions. 12470% 12471Stupid, n.: 12472 Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay. 12473% 12474Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out? 12475% 12476Sturgeon's Law: 12477 90% of everything is crud. 12478% 12479Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your 12480editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. 12481 -- Mark Twain 12482% 12483Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way 12484before it is understood. 12485% 12486Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring. 12487% 12488Suddenly, Professor Liebowitz realizes he has come to the seminar 12489without his duck ... 12490% 12491(Sung to the tune of "The Impossible Dream" from MAN OF LA MANCHA) 12492 12493 To code the impossible code, 12494 To bring up a virgin machine, 12495 To pop out of endless recursion, 12496 To grok what appears on the screen, 12497 12498 To right the unrightable bug, 12499 To endlessly twiddle and thrash, 12500 To mount the unmountable magtape, 12501 To stop the unstoppable crash! 12502% 12503Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have! 12504% 12505Support wildlife -- vote for an orgy. 12506% 12507Support your local police force -- steal!! 12508% 12509Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost. 12510% 12511Sure he's sharp as a razor ... he's a two-dimensional pinhead! 12512% 12513Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S. Audit! Just type 12514in your name and social security number. Please remember that leaving 12515the room is punishable under law: 12516 12517Name # 12518% 12519Surprise due today. Also the rent. 12520% 12521Surprise your boss. Get to work on time. 12522% 12523Swahili, n.: 12524 The language used by the National Enquirer to print their 12525retractions. 12526 -- Johnny Hart 12527% 12528Sweater, n.: 12529 A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly. 12530% 12531Swipple's Rule of Order: 12532 He who shouts the loudest has the floor. 12533% 12534Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon. 12535 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 12536% 12537System/3! System/3! 12538See how it runs! See how it runs! 12539 Its monitor loses so totally! 12540 It runs all its programs in RPG! 12541 It's made by our favorite monopoly! 12542System/3! 12543% 12544Systems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad 12545infinitum -- which is why we're always starting over. 12546 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 12547% 12548T: One big monster, he called TROLL. 12549 He don't rock, and he don't roll; 12550 Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies. 12551 He just Love To Eat Them Roguies. 12552 -- The Roguelet's ABC 12553% 12554Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a 12555hole in his head. 12556% 12557Tact, n.: 12558 The unsaid part of what you're thinking. 12559% 12560Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way. 12561% 12562Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting 12563enough cheese 12564 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 12565% 12566Take it easy, we're in a hurry. 12567% 12568Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, but it 12569needs a very clever woman to manage a fool. 12570 -- Kipling 12571% 12572Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content to sit 12573back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good 12574beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up 12575drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a 12576nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves 12577and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!" So 12578Coca-Cola was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw 12579no need to improve ... 12580 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 12581% 12582Take your dying with some seriousness, however. Laughing on the way to 12583your execution is not generally understood by less advanced life forms, 12584and they'll call you crazy. 12585 -- "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul" 12586% 12587Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish. 12588 -- Euripides 12589% 12590Talkers are no good doers. 12591 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 12592% 12593Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself. 12594 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 12595% 12596TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20) 12597 You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged 12598 determination and work like hell. Most people think you are 12599 stubborn and bull headed. You are a Communist. 12600% 12601Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind 12602the tree." 12603 -- Russell Long 12604% 12605Taxes are going up so fast, the government is likely to price itself 12606out of the market. 12607% 12608Taxes, n.: 12609 Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get 12610an extension. 12611% 12612Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when he 12613grows up, he will never be able to edge his car onto a freeway. 12614% 12615Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else. 12616% 12617Technological progress has merely provided us with more efficient means 12618for going backwards. 12619 -- Aldous Huxley 12620% 12621Telephone, n.: 12622 An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the 12623advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance. 12624 -- Ambrose Bierce 12625% 12626Tell me, O Octopus, I begs, 12627Is those things arms, or is they legs? 12628I marvel at thee, Octopus; 12629If I were thou, I'd call me us. 12630 -- Ogden Nash 12631% 12632Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop 12633writing. 12634 -- R. Geis 12635% 12636"Terence, this is stupid stuff: 12637You eat your victuals fast enough; 12638There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear, 12639To see the rate you drink your beer. 12640But oh, good Lord, the verse you make, 12641It gives a chap the belly-ache. 12642The cow, the old cow, she is dead; 12643It sleeps well the horned head: 12644We poor lads, 'tis our turn now 12645To hear such tunes as killed the cow. 12646Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme 12647Your friends to death before their time. 12648Moping, melancholy mad: 12649Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad." 12650 -- A. E. Housman 12651% 12652"Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a 12653surprising amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one 12654hand considered the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other 12655hand were unwilling to risk offending God's grandmother." 12656 -- Len Cool, "American Pie" 12657% 12658Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a 12659pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city 12660until about his 35th year, when he became a Christian .... To him is 12661ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe 12662because it is absurd). This does not altogether accord with historical 12663fact, for he merely said: 12664 12665 "And the Son of God died, which is immediately credible because 12666 it is absurd. And buried he rose again, which is certain 12667 because it is impossible." 12668 12669Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of 12670philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it. 12671 -- C. G. Jung, in Psychological Types 12672 12673(Tertullian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church). 12674% 12675Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones. 12676% 12677Texas law forbids anyone to have a pair of pliers in his possession. 12678% 12679"Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even 12680one which cannot be justified on any other grounds." 12681 -- J. Finnegan, USC. 12682% 12683Thank goodness modern convenience is a thing of the remote future. 12684 -- Pogo, by Walt Kelly 12685% 12686"That boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver" 12687 -- Foghorn Leghorn 12688% 12689"That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all." 12690% 12691That secret you've been guarding, isn't. 12692% 12693That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them. 12694 -- Dorothy Parker 12695% 12696The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy. 12697% 12698The Abrams' Principle: 12699 The shortest distance between two points is off the wall. 12700% 12701The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper 12702 -- Thomas Jefferson 12703% 12704The Advertising Agency Song: 12705 12706 When your client's hopping mad, 12707 Put his picture in the ad. 12708 If he still should prove refractory, 12709 Add a picture of his factory. 12710% 12711"The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty. You might want to mug 12712someone with it." 12713 -- M. Devine, Computer Science 340 12714% 12715The answer is that libdialog, the library on which sysinstall depends 12716for these menus, is genuinely evil. It is the unloved, satanic 12717bastard child of multiple parents and torturing users like yourself 12718constitutes the only joy in life it has left. Its source files are 12719all chmod'd 0666 and dire README files warn against trespass by 12720neophyte programmers. It is the 7th gate of Hell. It makes the baby 12721Jesus cry. Were libdialog given anthropomorphic representation, it 12722would be promptly burnt at the stake and its ashes scattered in the 12723desert, to be then doused with holy water from altitude by 12724fire-fighting aircraft. 12725 12726 -- Jordan K. Hubbard on the evils of libdialog 12727% 12728The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas 12729River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little 12730Rock. 12731% 12732The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion. 12733Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed 12734and color, but also on ability. 12735 -- T. Lehrer 12736% 12737The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe. 12738 -- Bill Murray 12739% 12740The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use 12741in effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the 12742Declaration not for that, but for future use. 12743 -- Abraham Lincoln 12744% 12745The average income of the modern teenager is about 2 a.m. 12746% 12747The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the 12748average man can see better than he can think. 12749% 12750"The bad reputation UNIX has gotten is totally undeserved, laid on by 12751people who don't understand, who have not gotten in there and tried 12752anything." 12753 -- Jim Joyce, owner of Jim Joyce's UNIX Bookstore 12754% 12755The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than 12756cities. Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and 12757difficult to park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots, 12758which are also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but -- 12759here is the big difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO 12760RULES. You're allowed to do anything. You can drive as fast as you 12761want in any direction you want. I was once driving in a mall parking 12762lot when my car was struck by a pickup truck being driven backward by a 12763squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" on his forearm, who got out 12764and explained to me, in great detail, why the accident was my fault, 12765his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, whereas I was 12766neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall parking 12767lots. 12768 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 12769% 12770The basic menu item, in fact the ONLY menu item, would be a food unit 12771called the "patty," consisting of -- this would be guaranteed in 12772writing -- "100 percent animal matter of some kind." All patties would 12773be heated up and then cooled back down in electronic devices 12774immediately before serving. The Breakfast Patty would be a patty on a 12775bun with lettuce, tomato, onion, egg, Ba-Ko-Bits, Cheez Whiz, a Special 12776Sauce made by pouring ketchup out of a bottle and a little slip of 12777paper stating: "Inspected by Number 12". The Lunch or Dinner Patty 12778would be any Breakfast Patties that didn't get sold in the morning. 12779The Seafood Lover's Patty would be any patties that were starting to 12780emit a serious aroma. Patties that were too rank even to be Seafood 12781Lover's Patties would be compressed into wads and sold as "Nuggets." 12782 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants" 12783% 12784The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland"; 12785but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman. 12786% 12787The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. 12788 -- W. C. Fields 12789% 12790The best defense against logic is ignorance. 12791% 12792The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time. 12793% 12794"The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff and 12795blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails. 12796You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at 12797night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only 12798love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or 12799know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only 12800one thing for it then -- to learn. Learn why the world wags and what 12801wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, 12802never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never 12803dream of regretting. Learning is the only thing for you. Look what a 12804lot of things there are to learn." 12805 -- T.H. White, "The Once and Future King" 12806% 12807The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them 12808is a match. 12809 -- Will Rogers 12810% 12811The bigger the theory the better. 12812% 12813The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse 12814time. 12815 -- Merrick Furst 12816% 12817The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time for Miss 12818Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public. 12819 12820It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance. Miss Manners has been 12821known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a curb, and, 12822in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a foot or two 12823under the dinner table. Miss Manners also believes that the sight of 12824people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand dresses up a 12825city considerably more than the more familiar sight of people shaking 12826umbrellas at one another. What Miss Manners objects to is the kind of 12827activity that frightens the horses on the street ... 12828% 12829"The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch." 12830% 12831The bogosity meter just pegged. 12832% 12833The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up 12834in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school. 12835% 12836The Briggs/Chase Law of Program Development: 12837 To determine how long it will take to write and debug a 12838program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add one, and 12839convert to the next higher units. 12840% 12841The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. 12842Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in 12843automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo. 12844 -- Art Buchwald 12845% 12846The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding 12847bureaucracy. 12848% 12849"The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the 12850flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language." 12851% 12852The camel has a single hump; 12853The dromedary two; 12854Or else the other way around. 12855I'm never sure. Are you? 12856 -- Ogden Nash 12857% 12858The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly 12859greater than that of any other animals. Some of their most esteemed 12860inventions have no other apparent purpose, for example, the dinner 12861party of more than two, the epic poem, and the science of metaphysics. 12862 -- H. L. Mencken 12863% 12864"The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain." 12865 -- G. Fitch 12866% 12867The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up 12868at the steam fitters' picnic. 12869% 12870The chief cause of problems is solutions. 12871% 12872The chief danger in life is that you may take too may precautions. 12873 -- Alfred Adler 12874% 12875The church is near but the road is icy; the bar is far away but I will 12876walk carefully. 12877 -- Russian Proverb 12878% 12879"The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live 12880elsewhere." 12881% 12882"The Computer made me do it." 12883% 12884The computing field is always in need of new cliches. 12885 -- Alan Perlis 12886% 12887The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his 12888memos. 12889 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 12890% 12891The conservation movement is a breeding ground of Communists and other 12892subversives. We intend to clean them out, even if it means rounding up 12893every bird watcher in the country. 12894 -- John Mitchell, Atty. General 1969-1972 12895% 12896The Consultant's Curse: 12897 When the customer has beaten upon you long enough, give him 12898what he asks for, instead of what he needs. This is very strong 12899medicine, and is normally only required once. 12900% 12901The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is 12902none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but." 12903Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period. 12904Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you 12905talked about. 12906 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 12907% 12908The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. 12909% 12910The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going 12911down. 12912% 12913The cow is nothing but a machine with makes grass fit for us people to 12914eat. 12915 -- John McNulty 12916% 12917The Crown is full of it! 12918 -- Nate Harris, 1775 12919% 12920The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should 12921therefore be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could 12922hardly be propagated. If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to 12923declare war and they are screened at once from scrutiny ... In war, 12924then, as in peace, assert the freedom of speech and of the press. 12925Cling to this as the bulwark of all our rights and privileges. 12926 -- William Ellery Channing 12927% 12928The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. 12929% 12930The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of 12931us who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching 12932Charlie Chaplin trying to cook a shoe. 12933% 12934The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary? 12935% 12936The devil finds work for idle circuits to do. 12937% 12938"The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell 12939into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him 12940out again, it would be a calamity." 12941 -- Benjamin Disraeli 12942% 12943The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science 12944requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require 12945scholarship. 12946 -- Robert Heinlein 12947% 12948The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle, as the 12949following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates: 12950 12951 "I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish. 12952Eddie Cantor's goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is 12953Jewish. Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous. 12954 "Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are goyish. 12955Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish. 12956Instant potatoes -- goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish. 12957Macaroons are ____very Jewish. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is 12958goyish. Lime soda is ____very goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that 12959Jews won't go near them ..." 12960 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 12961% 12962The District of Columbia has a law forbidding you to exert pressure on 12963a balloon and thereby cause a whistling sound on the streets. 12964% 12965The doctrine of human equality reposes on this: that there is no man 12966really clever who has not found that he is stupid. 12967 -- Gilbert K. Chesterson 12968% 12969The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show 12970off this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his 12971next hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the 12972duck fell, the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the 12973duck and returned it to his master. 12974 "Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly. 12975 "Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't 12976swim." 12977% 12978The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late 12979and owns the worm farm. 12980 -- Travis McGee 12981% 12982The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier. 12983% 12984The easiest way to figure the cost of living is to take your income and 12985add ten percent. 12986% 12987The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on 12988weather forecasters. 12989 -- Jean-Paul Kauffmann 12990% 12991"The eleventh commandment was `Thou Shalt Compute' or `Thou Shalt Not 12992Compute' -- I forget which." 12993 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 12994% 12995The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of 12996civilization. 12997 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 12998% 12999The end of the world will occur at 3:00 p.m., this Friday, with 13000symposium to follow. 13001% 13002The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach 13003their children to speak it. 13004 -- George Bernard Shaw 13005% 13006The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a 13007remarkable Christian forbearance among men. 13008 -- Ambrose Bierce 13009% 13010The fact that it works is immaterial. 13011 -- L. Ogborn 13012% 13013The faster we go, the rounder we get. 13014 -- The Grateful Dead 13015% 13016The Fifth Rule: 13017 You have taken yourself too seriously. 13018% 13019The First Commandment for Technicians: 13020 Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged 13021capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most 13022untechnician-like manner. 13023% 13024The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it. 13025 -- Abbie Hoffman 13026% 13027The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King 13028Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a 13029tragic death. He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad 13030forks. Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously 13031fled the city, complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of 13032threatening notes left on his breakfast tray. At the time, this looked 13033suspicious what with his father's death, and Carotene was suspected of 13034foul play. Then the rest of the King's relatives began to drop dead 13035one after the other in an odd fashion. Some were found strangled with 13036dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning. A few were found 13037drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants unknown 13038and beaten to death with a pot roast. At least three appear to have 13039thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture 13040of grief over the King's untimely end. Finally there was no one left 13041in Minas Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed 13042crown, and the rule of Twodor was up for grabs. The scullery slave 13043Parrafin bravely accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when 13044a lineal descendant of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful 13045throne, conquer Twodor's enemies, and revamp the postal system. 13046 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 13047% 13048The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of 13049management is that success equals skill. 13050 -- Robert Heller 13051% 13052The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish 13053child, was propounded to me by my father: 13054 "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and 13055whistles?" 13056 I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity 13057gave up. 13058 "A herring," said my father. 13059 "A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!" 13060 "So hang it there." 13061 "But a herring isn't green!" I protested. 13062 "Paint it." 13063 "But a herring isn't wet." 13064 "If it's just painted it's still wet." 13065 "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring 13066doesn't whistle!!" 13067 "Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it 13068hard." 13069 -- Leo Rosten, "The Joys of Yiddish" 13070% 13071"The first rule of magic is simple. Don't waste your time waving your 13072hands and hoping when a rock or a club will do." 13073 -- McCloctnik the Lucid 13074% 13075The First Rule of Program Optimization: 13076 Don't do it. 13077 13078The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!): 13079 Don't do it yet. 13080 -- Michael Jackson 13081% 13082The first time, it's a KLUDGE! 13083The second, a trick. 13084Later, it's a well-established technique! 13085 -- Mike Broido, Intermetrics 13086% 13087The following quote is from page 4-27 of the MSCP Basic Disk Functions 13088Manual which is part of the UDA50 Programmers Doc Kit manuals: 13089 13090As stated above, the host area of a disk is structured as a vector of 13091logical blocks. From a performance viewpoint, however, it is more 13092appropriate to view the host area as a four dimensional hyper-cube, the 13093four dimensions being cylinder, group, track, and sector. 13094 . . . 13095Referring to our hyper-cube analogy, the set of potentially accessible 13096blocks form a line parallel to the track axis. This line moves 13097parallel to the sector axis, wrapping around when it reaches the edge 13098of the hyper-cube. 13099% 13100The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money completely surrounded by 13101people who want some. 13102 -- Dwight MacDonald 13103% 13104The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and by 13105a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities. 13106% 13107"The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and 13108vinyl." 13109 -- Dave Barry 13110% 13111The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the 13112number of your kids by 32 teeth. 13113% 13114The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to 13115chance. 13116% 13117The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness. 13118% 13119The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of the 13120center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South 13121Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South 13122End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End. 13123% 13124The giraffe you thought you offended last week is willing to be nuzzled 13125today. 13126% 13127The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at 13128least until we've finished building it. 13129% 13130The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. The goal of nature 13131is to build better mice. 13132% 13133The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him 13134love and he invented marriage. 13135% 13136THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES 13137 The one who has the gold makes the rules. 13138% 13139"The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who 13140make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians 13141have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine 13142man in the bonds of Hell." 13143 -- St. Augustine 13144% 13145The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got 13146to be good. 13147% 13148The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of 13149statistics. These are raised to the _nth degree, the cube roots are 13150extracted, and the results are arranged into elaborate and impressive 13151displays. What must be kept ever in mind, however, is that in every 13152case, the figures are first put down by a village watchman, and he puts 13153down anything he damn well pleases. 13154 -- Sir Josiah Stamp 13155% 13156The grand leap of the whale up the Fall of Niagara is esteemed, by all 13157who have seen it, as one of the finest spectacles in nature. 13158 -- Benjamin Franklin. 13159% 13160The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog: 13161 The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in 13162courtship, his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk 13163clerks. Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods 13164of time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp 13165Hedgehog Eater. 13166 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 13167% 13168The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men 13169of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding. 13170 -- Justice Louis D. Brandeis 13171% 13172The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax. 13173 -- Albert Einstein 13174% 13175The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom 13176whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, 13177nohow. 13178% 13179The Heineken Uncertainty Principle: 13180 You can never be sure how many beers you had last night. 13181% 13182The herd instinct among economists makes sheep look like independent 13183thinkers. 13184% 13185The hieroglyphics are all unreadable except for a notation on the back, 13186which reads "Genuine authentic Egyptian papyrus. Guaranteed to be at 13187least 5000 years old." 13188% 13189The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for 13190lists of "Ten Best". 13191 -- H. Allen Smith 13192% 13193"The human brain is like an enormous fish -- it is flat and slimy and 13194has gills through which it can see." 13195 -- Monty Python 13196% 13197The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity 13198-- the rest is overhead for the operating system. 13199% 13200The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange 13201protein -- it rejects it. 13202 -- P. Medawar 13203% 13204The human race has been fascinated by sharks for as long as I can 13205remember. Just like the bluebird feeding its young, or the spider 13206struggling to weave its perfect web, or the buttercup blooming in 13207spring, the shark reveals to us yet another of the infinite and 13208wonderful facets of nature, namely the facet that it can bite your head 13209off. This causes us humans to feel a certain degree of awe. 13210 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 13211% 13212The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. 13213 -- Mark Twain 13214% 13215The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that 13216procession but carrying a banner. 13217 -- Mark Twain 13218% 13219The idea is to die young as late as possible. 13220 -- Ashley Montague 13221% 13222The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic 13223devices, such as television sets and VCR's, to the destruction centers, 13224where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with 13225sledgehammers. With their devices thus permanently destroyed, 13226consumers would then be free to go out and buy new devices, rather than 13227have to fritter away years of their lives trying to have the old ones 13228repaired at so-called "factory service centers," which in fact consist 13229of two men named Lester poking at the insides of broken electronic 13230devices with cheap cigars and going, "Lookit all them WIRES in there!" 13231 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants" 13232% 13233"The identical is equal to itself, since it is different." 13234 -- Franco Spisani 13235% 13236"The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a bit 13237longer." 13238 -- Henry Kissinger 13239% 13240The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf 13241has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know 13242when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr. 13243 -- Will Rogers 13244% 13245The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important 13246point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly 13247important thing to people. 13248 -- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King 13249% 13250The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the 13251number of participants. 13252 -- Adam Walinsky 13253% 13254The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided 13255by the number of people in the group. 13256% 13257The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free 13258information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a 13259dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a 13260real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless. 13261 13262So, for guidance, you want to look to big business. Big business never 13263pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big 13264consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes... 13265 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" 13266% 13267The Kennedy Constant: 13268 Don't get mad -- get even. 13269% 13270The Killer Ducks are coming!!! 13271% 13272The ladies men admire, I've heard, 13273Would shudder at a wicked word. 13274Their candle gives a single light; 13275They'd rather stay at home at night. 13276They do not keep awake till three, 13277Nor read erotic poetry. 13278They never sanction the impure, 13279Nor recognize an overture. 13280They shrink from powders and from paints ... 13281So far, I've had no complaints. 13282 -- Dorothy Parker 13283% 13284"The last time somebody said, `I find I can write much better with a 13285word processor.', I replied, `They used to say the same thing about 13286drugs.' 13287 -- Roy Blount, Jr. 13288% 13289The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the 13290poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal 13291bread. 13292 -- Anatole France 13293% 13294The law will never make men free; it is men who have got to make the 13295law free. 13296 -- Henry David Thoreau 13297% 13298"The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all 13299men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the 13300universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we 13301presently imagine we own." 13302 -- H.G. Wells 13303% 13304The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching 13305train. 13306% 13307The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon. 13308% 13309The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get 13310much sleep. 13311 -- Woody Allen 13312% 13313The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself. 13314 -- Henry Kissinger 13315% 13316"The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as 13317we could with both of them." 13318 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" 13319% 13320The makers may make 13321and the users may use, 13322but the fixers must fix 13323with but minimal clues 13324% 13325The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the 13326crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no 13327one has ever been. 13328 -- Alan Ashley-Pitt 13329% 13330The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that 13331will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful. 13332 -- Mark Twain. 13333% 13334The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a 13335soda can, when discarded will last forever ... and a $7,000 car which 13336when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years. 13337% 13338The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse. 13339% 13340The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to 13341devise and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation. 13342 -- Lew Mammel, Jr. 13343% 13344The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might 13345be general systems laws. For example, Frank Harary once suggested the 13346law that any field that had the word "science" in its name was 13347guaranteed thereby not to be a science. He would cite as examples 13348Military Science, Library Science, Political Science, Homemaking 13349Science, Social Science, and Computer Science. Discuss the generality 13350of this law, and possible reasons for its predictive 13351power. 13352 -- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems 13353 Thinking." 13354% 13355The modern child will answer you back before you've said anything. 13356 -- Laurence J. Peter 13357% 13358The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me. 13359 -- Nicol Williamson 13360% 13361The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader. 13362% 13363The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away. 13364% 13365"The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the 13366lower the mailing cost." 13367 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 13368% 13369The more laws and order are made prominent, the more thieves and 13370robbers there will be. 13371 -- Lao Tsu 13372% 13373The more things change, the more they stay insane. 13374% 13375The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us 13376is right. 13377% 13378The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey. 13379 -- Andy Warhol 13380% 13381"The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and 13382to watch someone else do it wrong without comment." 13383 -- Theodore H. White 13384% 13385The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new 13386discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..." 13387 -- Isaac Asimov 13388% 13389The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on. 13390% 13391"The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in 133921986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert." 13393 -- D. Letterman 13394% 13395The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says: 13396 Support your right to bare arms! 13397% 13398The net of law is spread so wide, 13399No sinner from its sweep may hide. 13400Its meshes are so fine and strong, 13401They take in every child of wrong. 13402O wondrous web of mystery! 13403Big fish alone escape from thee! 13404 -- James Jeffrey Roche 13405% 13406The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around. I 13407hope I don't get run over again. 13408% 13409The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory, 13410in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system. 13411 13412 But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay: for 13413 whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil. 13414 -- Matthew 5:37 13415% 13416"The New York Times is read by the people who run the country. The 13417Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country. 13418The National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive 13419and running the country ..." 13420 -- Robert J Woodhead 13421% 13422The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to 13423choose from. 13424 -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum 13425% 13426The notion of a "record" is an obsolete remnant of the days of the 1342780-column card. 13428 -- Dennis M. Ritchie 13429% 13430The notion that the church, the press, and the universities should 13431serve the state is essentially a Communist notion ... In a free society 13432these institutions must be wholly free -- which is to say that their 13433function is to serve as checks upon the state. 13434 -- Alan Barth 13435% 13436The number of arguments is unimportant unless some of them are 13437correct. 13438 -- Ralph Hartley 13439% 13440The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly 13441analyze all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their 13442occurrence, have answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve 13443these problems when called upon. 13444 13445However, When you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to 13446remind yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp. 13447% 13448The Official MBA Handbook on business cards: 13449 Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the Realm, 13450Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director of Corporate 13451Planning." 13452% 13453The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy. 13454% 13455The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. Let the reader 13456catch his own breath. 13457 -- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart 13458% 13459The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age 13460brings wisdom. 13461 -- H. L. Mencken 13462% 13463The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when 13464to cringe. 13465% 13466The only possible interpretation of any research whatever in the 13467`social sciences' is: some do, some don't. 13468 -- Ernest Rutherford 13469% 13470The only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can never stop 13471and take a rest. 13472% 13473"The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon." 13474 -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and 13475 Over and Over" 13476% 13477The only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it. 13478% 13479The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber 13480has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, 13481finished, and put inside boxes. 13482 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 13483% 13484The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any 13485use to oneself. 13486 -- Oscar Wilde 13487% 13488"The only thing we learn from history is that we learn nothing from 13489history." 13490 -- Hegel 13491 13492"I know guys can't learn from yesterday ... Hegel must be taking the 13493long view." 13494 -- John Brunner, "Stand on Zanzibar" 13495% 13496The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. 13497 -- Oscar Wilde 13498% 13499The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up 13500until 5 or 6 p.m. 13501% 13502The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. 13503 -- Bohr 13504% 13505The optimum committee has no members. 13506 -- Norman Augustine 13507% 13508"The other day I put instant coffee in my microwave oven ... I almost 13509went back in time." 13510 -- Steven Wright 13511% 13512The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because 13513it isn't here. 13514 -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley) 13515% 13516The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it 13517were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence. 13518 -- H. L. Mencken 13519% 13520The Pig, if I am not mistaken, 13521Gives us ham and pork and Bacon. 13522Let others think his heart is big, 13523I think it stupid of the Pig. 13524 -- Ogden Nash 13525% 13526The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter 13527swang and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the 13528batter connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The 13529center fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute 13530his eyes were blound by the sun and he dropped it. 13531 -- Dizzy Dean 13532% 13533The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose. 13534 -- David Lardner 13535% 13536The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish 13537to be addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified. But it 13538is equally important to accept and tolerate different standards of 13539courtesy, not expecting everyone else to adapt to one's own 13540preferences. Only then can we hope to restore the insult to its proper 13541social function of expressing true distaste. 13542 -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to 13543 Excruciatingly Correct Behavior" 13544% 13545"The porcupine with the sharpest quills gets stuck on a tree more 13546often." 13547% 13548The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher, 13549 Were each of them once a kiddie. 13550A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature. 13551 Do I want one? God Forbiddie! 13552 -- Ogden Nash 13553% 13554The President publicly apologized today to all those offended by his 13555brother's remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than there is 13556Jews!". Those offended include Arabs, Jews, and English teachers. 13557 -- Baltimore, Channel 11 News, on Jimmy Carter 13558% 13559The price of seeking to force our beliefs on others is that someday 13560they might force their beliefs on us. 13561 -- Mario Cuomo 13562% 13563The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired 13564warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by 13565changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped 13566marker. 13567 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 13568% 13569The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to 13570constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every 13571appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA 13572statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This 13573also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change. 13574 -- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers 13575% 13576The primary requisite for any new tax law is for it to exempt enough 13577voters to win the next election. 13578% 13579The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO" 13580represents the secondary theme: 13581 13582 Law Enforcement Officials 13583 13584The overall theme of SoupCon shall be: 13585 13586 Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials 13587% 13588The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the 13589stupidity of your action. 13590% 13591The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with. 13592Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil 13593using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle 13594Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats, 13595etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous 13596bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons. None 13597of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats 13598developed cancer. 13599 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" 13600% 13601The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go 13602to erase it. 13603 -- Glaser and Way 13604% 13605The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to get 13606results. 13607 13608The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy 13609problems in order to get results. 13610 13611The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at toy 13612problems in order to get results. 13613% 13614The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be 13615pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues. 13616 -- Elizabeth Taylor 13617% 13618The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 13619% 13620The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's 13621outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by 13622mistake since its colors are those of the London Reform Club. Once 13623tied around its victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims 13624the insurance before running off to Germany where it lives in hiding. 13625 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 13626% 13627"The pyramid is opening!" 13628"Which one?" 13629"The one with the ever-widening hole in it!" 13630 -- Firesign Theater, "How Can You Be In Two Places At 13631 Once When You're Not Anywhere At All" 13632% 13633The qotc (quote of the con) was Liz's: 13634 "My brain is paged out to my liver" 13635% 13636The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What is 13637it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television, 13638that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of 13639industrial waste? 13640 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics" 13641% 13642The rain it raineth on the just 13643 And also on the unjust fella, 13644But chiefly on the just, because 13645 The unjust steals the just's umbrella. 13646% 13647The reader this message encounters not failing to understand is 13648cursed. 13649% 13650The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much. 13651% 13652The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose", 13653which is also sometimes called "grape sugar", and also because "Grape 13654Nuts" is catchier, in terms of marketing, than "A Cross Between Gerbil 13655Food and Gravel", which is what it tastes like. 13656 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" 13657% 13658The reason we come up with new versions is not to fix bugs. It's 13659absolutely not. 13660 -- Bill Gates 13661% 13662The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one 13663persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all 13664progress depends on the unreasonable man. 13665 -- George Bernard Shaw 13666% 13667The revolution will not be televised. 13668% 13669The reward of a thing well done is to have done it. 13670 -- Emerson 13671% 13672The rhino is a homely beast, 13673For human eyes he's not a feast. 13674Farewell, farewell, you old rhinoceros, 13675I'll stare at something less prepoceros. 13676 -- Ogden Nash 13677% 13678The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This 13679means that only left handed people are in their right mind. 13680% 13681"The Right Honorable Gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests 13682and to his imagination for his facts." 13683 -- Sheridan 13684% 13685The right to revolt has sources deep in our history. 13686 -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas 13687% 13688"The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the 13689House Un-American Activities Committee]. We will determine what rights 13690you have and what rights you have not got." 13691 -- J. Parnell Thomas 13692% 13693The road to hell is paved with good intentions. And littered with 13694sloppy analysis! 13695% 13696The Roman Rule 13697 The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the 13698 one who is doing it. 13699% 13700The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in 13701his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on 13702one leg. The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't 13703take it too seriously. 13704 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 13705% 13706The rule on staying alive as a forcaster is to give 'em a number or 13707give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once. 13708 -- Jane Bryant Quinn 13709% 13710"The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography" 13711% 13712The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100 13713showed that all had these things in common: 13714 13715 (1) They all had moderate appetites. 13716 (2) They all came from middle class homes 13717 (3) All but two of them were dead. 13718% 13719The scum also rises. 13720 -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson 13721% 13722The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes, 13723respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven milestones 13724from man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the 13725milestones are lifted. 13726 -- George Bernard Shaw 13727% 13728The Seventh Commandments for Technicians 13729 Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy 13730fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console her in 13731other ways. 13732% 13733The sheep that fly over your head are soon to land. 13734% 13735The shortest distance between two points is under construction. 13736 -- Noelie Alito 13737% 13738The Sixth Commandment of Frisbee: 13739 The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going 13740in a direction you did not want. (Goes the wrong way = Goes a long 13741way.) 13742 -- Dan Roddick 13743% 13744"The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity 13745and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted 13746activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy ... 13747neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water." 13748% 13749"The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their 13750money." 13751 -- Ed Bluestone, "The National Lampoon" 13752% 13753"The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up!" 13754% 13755The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be 13756able to correct them. 13757 -- Nicolaides 13758% 13759The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears. 13760% 13761The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average Russian's 13762readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement of 13763some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet 13764reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led 13765the field for many years in both chess and ax murders. It is well 13766known that as early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at 13767Reykjavik would do to national prestige, implemented a vigorous program 13768of preparation and incentive. Every day for an entire year, a team of 13769psychologists, chess analysts and coaches met with the top three 13770Russian grand masters and threatened them with a pointy stick. That 13771these tactics proved fruitless is now a part of chess history and a 13772further testament to the American way, which provides that if you want 13773something badly enough, you can always go to Iceland and get it from 13774the Russians. 13775 -- Marshall Brickman, Playboy, April, 1973 13776% 13777The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub. 13778% 13779The steady state of disks is full. 13780 -- Ken Thompson 13781% 13782The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make 13783them unsafe. 13784 -- Mayor Frank Rizzo 13785% 13786"The student in question is performing minimally for his peer group and 13787is an emerging underachiever." 13788% 13789The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant 13790biology. 13791% 13792"The subspace _W inherits the other 8 properties of _V. And there aren't 13793even any property taxes." 13794 -- J. MacKay, Mathematics 134b 13795% 13796The sum of the Universe is zero. 13797% 13798The sun was shining on the sea, 13799Shining with all his might: 13800He did his very best to make 13801The billows smooth and bright -- 13802And this was very odd, because it was 13803The middle of the night. 13804 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" 13805% 13806The superfluous is very necessary. 13807 -- Voltaire 13808% 13809The surest protection against temptation is cowardice. 13810 -- Mark Twain 13811% 13812The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our 13813authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as 13814the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as 13815the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much 13816radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much 13817as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we 13818receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the 13819Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will 13820heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to 13821the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much 13822heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for 13823radiation, (_H/_E)^4 = 50, where _E is the absolute temperature of the 13824earth (~300K), gives _H as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell 13825cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the 13826fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which 13827burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means 13828that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C. We 13829have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C. 13830 -- From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972 13831% 13832The Third Law of Photography: 13833 If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined 13834when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of the dark 13835leaks out. 13836% 13837The Three Laws of Thermodynamics: 13838 13839The First Law: You can't get anything without working for it. 13840The Second Law: The most you can accomplish by working is to break 13841 even. 13842The Third Law: You can only break even at absolute zero. 13843% 13844The trouble with a kitten is that 13845When it grows up, it's always a cat 13846 -- Ogden Nash. 13847% 13848The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time. 13849% 13850The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate 13851it. 13852 -- Franklin P. Jones 13853% 13854The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing 13855more important to do. 13856% 13857The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody 13858appreciates how difficult it was. 13859% 13860The trouble with superheros is what to do between phone booths. 13861 -- Ken Kesey 13862% 13863The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie. 13864 -- Lenny Bruce 13865% 13866The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility. And 13867vice versa. 13868% 13869The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks 13870Which practically conceal its sex. 13871I think it clever of the turtle 13872In such a fix to be so fertile. 13873 -- Ogden Nash 13874% 13875"The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and 13876stupidity." 13877% 13878The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more 13879annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation. 13880 -- Oscar Wilde 13881% 13882The United States also has its native Fascists who say that they are 13883"100 percent American"... 13884 -- U. S. Army (1945) 13885% 13886The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to 13887everybody and still nobody likes him. 13888 -- Jim Samuels 13889% 13890The universe does not have laws -- it has habits, and habits can be 13891broken. 13892% 13893The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination -- but the 13894combination is locked up in the safe. 13895 -- Peter DeVries 13896% 13897The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie 13898Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall. Philbin is said 13899to make up for no talent by cheating well. Says Philbin of his 13900decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride." 13901% 13902The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and 13903religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging 13904from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its 13905yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledygook than the rest of the 13906world put together. 13907 -- Sir Peter Medawar 13908% 13909The verdict of a jury is the a priori opinion of that juror who smokes 13910the worst cigars. 13911 -- H. L. Mencken 13912% 13913The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid 13914prejudice. 13915 -- Mark Twain 13916% 13917The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. 13918Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts 13919to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to 13920be one of the facts that needs altering. 13921 -- Dr. Who, "Face of Evil" 13922% 13923"The voters have spoken, the bastards ..." 13924% 13925"The wages of sin are death; but after they're done taking out taxes, 13926it's just a tired feeling:" 13927% 13928The wages of sin are high but you get your money's worth. 13929% 13930"The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity 13931that would be clearly understood." 13932 -- Alexander Haig 13933% 13934"The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start 13935with a large fortune." 13936% 13937The wind doth taste so bitter sweet, 13938 Like Jaspar wine and sugar, 13939It must have blown through someone's feet, 13940 Like those of Caspar Weinberger. 13941 -- P. Opus 13942% 13943The world is coming to an end. Please log off. 13944% 13945The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books! 13946% 13947The world is coming to an end ... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!! 13948% 13949The world's as ugly as sin, 13950And almost as delightful 13951 -- Frederick Locker-Lampson 13952% 13953The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of 13954four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all 13955the answers. 13956% 13957Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations. 13958 13959He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan, 13960then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open 13961market. 13962 13963If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he should 13964not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of himself. 13965 13966Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree. 13967Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg. 13968Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower. 13969 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 13970% 13971Then here's to the City of Boston, 13972The town of the cries and the groans. 13973Where the Cabots can't see the Kabotschniks, 13974And the Lowells won't speak to the Cohns. 13975 -- Franklin Pierce Adams 13976% 13977There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, 13978and praiseworthy ... 13979 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 13980% 13981There are many intelligent species in the universe. They all own 13982cats. 13983% 13984There are no data that cannot be plotted on a straight line if the axis 13985are chosen correctly. 13986% 13987There are no games on this system. 13988% 13989There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the 13990existence of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any 13991marginally competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat 13992engine and make some other part of hell comfortably cool. This is 13993obviously impossible. 13994 -- Richard Davisson 13995% 13996There are people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the 13997truth without lying. 13998% 13999There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a 14000vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone. 14001 -- Gloria Steinem 14002% 14003"There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both 14004plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis; 14005and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again, 14006don't we all?" 14007% 14008"There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells 14009and fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated 14010pools here and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving 14011them parched for wonder. There are also those who believe that if you 14012stick your fingers up your nose and blow, it will increase your 14013intelligence." 14014 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII 14015% 14016There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics. 14017 -- Disraeli 14018% 14019"There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away 14020from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone 14021loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor." 14022% 14023There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be 14024offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin 14025a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount 14026of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of 14027affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. 14028When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. 14029Under no circumstances can the food be omitted. 14030 -- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior 14031% 14032"There are three principal ways to lose money: wine, women, and 14033engineers. While the first two are more pleasant, the third is by far 14034the more certain." 14035 -- Baron Rothschild, ca. 1800 14036% 14037There are three schools of magic. One: State a tautology, then ring 14038the changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy. Two: Record many 14039facts. Try to find a pattern. Then make a wrong guess at the next 14040fact; that's science. Three: Be aware that you live in a malevolent 14041Universe controlled by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's 14042Factor; that's engineering. 14043% 14044There are three things I always forget. Names, faces -- the third I 14045can't remember. 14046 -- Italo Svevo 14047% 14048There are three ways to get something done: 14049 (1) Do it yourself. 14050 (2) Hire someone to do it for you. 14051 (3) Forbid your kids to do it. 14052% 14053There are times when truth is stranger than fiction and lunch time is 14054one of them. 14055% 14056There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect 14057the sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the 14058sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too. 14059 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" 14060% 14061There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good 14062sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more. 14063 -- Woody Allen 14064% 14065"There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to 14066make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the 14067other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious 14068deficiencies." 14069 -- C. A. R. Hoare 14070% 14071"There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the 14072other is to read Pope." 14073 -- Oscar Wilde 14074% 14075There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one 14076works. 14077% 14078There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a 14079suitable application of high explosives. 14080% 14081There can be no twisted thought without a twisted molecule. 14082 -- R. W. Gerard 14083% 14084There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. 14085 -- Henry Kissinger 14086% 14087There exist tasks which cannot be done by more than 10 men or fewer 14088than 100. 14089 -- Steele's Law 14090% 14091There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know 14092nothing about. 14093% 14094There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an 14095opinion. 14096 -- Anatole France 14097% 14098There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of 14099paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write. 14100% 14101There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder. 14102% 14103There is a Massachusetts law requiring all dogs to have their hind legs 14104tied during the month of April. 14105% 14106There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish. 14107 -- Walt Disney 14108% 14109There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly 14110what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly 14111disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and 14112inexplicable. 14113 14114There is another theory which states that this has already happened. 14115 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe" 14116% 14117"There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a 14118vacuum." 14119 -- Arthur C. Clarke 14120% 14121There *__is* intelligent life on Earth, but I leave for Texas on Monday. 14122% 14123There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. 14124 -- Mark Twain 14125% 14126There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the 14127tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not 14128abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and 14129war hold him in check. And also the wife who wants him home by five, 14130of course. 14131 -- Encyclopedia Apocryphia, 1990 ed. 14132% 14133"There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their 14134home." 14135 -- Ken Olsen, President of DEC, World Future Society 14136 Convention, 1977 14137% 14138There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it. 14139 -- George Bernard Shaw 14140% 14141There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast 14142reflexes. 14143% 14144There is no such thing as fortune. Try again. 14145% 14146There is no time like the pleasant. 14147% 14148There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be 14149doing. 14150% 14151There is no TRUTH. There is no REALITY. There is no CONSISTENCY. 14152There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS I'm very probably wrong. 14153% 14154"There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine," 14155said a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat. "And yet just 14156a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with an unanswerable 14157question," said Nasrudin. "I could have answered it if I had been 14158there." "Very well. He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in 14159the middle of the night?'" 14160% 14161There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the 14162ocean level wouldn't cure. 14163 -- Ross MacDonald 14164% 14165There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and 14166that is not being talked about. 14167 -- Oscar Wilde 14168% 14169There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale 14170returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact. 14171 -- Mark Twain 14172% 14173There once was a girl named Irene 14174Who lived on distilled kerosene 14175 But she started absorbin' 14176 A new hydrocarbon 14177And since then has never benzene. 14178% 14179There once was a member of Mensa 14180Who was a most excellent fencer. 14181 The sword that he used 14182 Was his -- (line is refused, 14183And has now been removed by the censor). 14184% 14185There once was an old man from Esser, 14186Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser. 14187 It at last grew so small, 14188 He knew nothing at all, 14189And now he's a College Professor. 14190% 14191"There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved 14192it." 14193 -- C. S. Lewis, The Chronicles of Narnia 14194% 14195There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were 14196left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley. 14197Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so they 14198started debating who should be allowed to stay. 14199 14200The Pope pointed out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all 14201over the world, the President explained that if he died then America 14202would be stuck with the Vice-President, and so forth. Then Mayor Daley 14203said, "Look! We're not solving anything like this! The only fair 14204thing to do is to vote on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97 14205votes. 14206% 14207There was a young lady from Hyde 14208Who ate a green apple and died. 14209 While her lover lamented 14210 The apple fermented 14211And made cider inside her inside. 14212% 14213There was a young man who said "God, 14214I find it exceedingly odd, 14215 That the willow oak tree 14216 Continues to be, 14217When there's no one about in the Quad." 14218 14219"Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd, 14220For I'm always about in the Quad; 14221 And that's why the tree, 14222 Continues to be," 14223Signed "Yours faithfully, God." 14224% 14225There was a young poet named Dan, 14226Whose poetry never would scan. 14227 When told this was so, 14228 He said, "Yes, I know. 14229It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can." 14230% 14231"There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: 14232both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to 14233talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him 14234during the trial." 14235 -- David Letterman 14236% 14237There were in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of 14238the two had the following record: the Vietnam War, Watergate, double- 14239digit inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the 142408-cent postcard. The second was responsible for such things as the 14241transistor, the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity 14242stereo recording, sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative 14243feedback, magnetic tape, magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching 14244systems, microwave radio and TV relay systems, information theory, the 14245first electrical digital computer, and the first communications 14246satellite. Guess which one got to tell the other how to run the 14247telephone business? 14248% 14249There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not 14250a fence. 14251% 14252There's a long-standing bug relating to the x86 architecture that 14253allows you to install Windows. 14254 -- Matthew D. Fuller 14255% 14256There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to. 14257% 14258There's little in taking or giving, 14259 There's little in water or wine: 14260This living, this living, this living, 14261 Was never a project of mine. 14262Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is 14263 The gain of the one at the top, 14264For art is a form of catharsis, 14265 And love is a permanent flop, 14266And work is the province of cattle, 14267 And rest's for a clam in a shell, 14268So I'm thinking of throwing the battle -- 14269 Would you kindly direct me to hell? 14270 -- Dorothy Parker 14271% 14272There's no easy quick way out, we're gonna have to live through our 14273whole lives, win, lose, or draw. 14274 -- Walt Kelly 14275% 14276There's no future in time travel. 14277% 14278There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes. 14279 -- Dr. Who 14280% 14281There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get 14282any worse. 14283% 14284There's no room in the drug world for amateurs. 14285% 14286There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government 14287working for you. 14288 -- Will Rodgers 14289% 14290"There's nothing in the middle of the road but a yellow stripe and dead 14291armadillos." 14292 -- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner 14293% 14294There's nothing so precious as a cafe full of Gap kiddies trying to 14295work out whether you're really wearing rubber pants. 14296 -- Mike Smith 14297% 14298"There's nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won't 14299aggravate." 14300% 14301There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn 14302what it is I'll get married again. 14303 -- Clint Eastwood 14304% 14305There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is 14306becoming an endangered synthetic. 14307 -- Lily Tomlin 14308% 14309"These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!" 14310"These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!" 14311"These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP 14312out of MEGATON MAN!" 14313% 14314These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what they 14315used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink. 14316% 14317They also surf who only stand on waves. 14318% 14319"They make a desert and call it peace." 14320 -- Tacitus (55?-120?) 14321% 14322They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners 14323always spell better than they pronounce. 14324 -- Mark Twain 14325% 14326"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary 14327safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." 14328 -- Benjamin Franklin, 1759 14329% 14330"They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!" 14331% 14332They told me you had proven it When they discovered our results 14333 About a month before. Their hair began to curl 14334The proof was valid, more or less Instead of understanding it 14335 But rather less than more. We'd run the thing through PRL. 14336 14337He sent them word that we would try Don't tell a soul about all this 14338 To pass where they had failed For it must ever be 14339And after we were done, to them A secret, kept from all the rest 14340 The new proof would be mailed. Between yourself and me. 14341 14342My notion was to start again 14343 Ignoring all they'd done 14344We quickly turned it into code 14345 To see if it would run. 14346% 14347They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid! 14348% 14349"They're unfriendly, which is fortunate, really. They'd be difficult 14350to like." 14351 -- Avon 14352% 14353Things are more like they used to be than they are now. 14354% 14355Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face. 14356% 14357Think big. Pollute the Mississippi. 14358% 14359Think honk if you're a telepath. 14360% 14361Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.! 14362% 14363Think of your family tonight. Try to crawl home after the computer 14364crashes. 14365% 14366Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click". 14367% 14368"Thirty days hath Septober, 14369April, June, and no wonder. 14370all the rest have peanut butter 14371except my father who wears red suspenders." 14372% 14373This Fortue Examined By INSPECTOR NO. 2-14 14374% 14375This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate need, 14376please use the program "________randchar". This program generates random 14377characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come up with 14378something profound. It will, however, take it no time at all to be 14379more profound than THIS program has ever been. 14380% 14381This fortune intentionally not included. 14382% 14383This fortune is false. 14384% 14385This fortune is inoperative. Please try another. 14386% 14387"This is a country where people are free to practice their religion, 14388regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling 14389keys ..." 14390% 14391"This is a job for BOB VIOLENCE and SCUM, the INCREDIBLY STUPID MUTANT 14392DOG." 14393 -- Bob Violence 14394% 14395"This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. If this had been an 14396actual emergency, do you really think we'd stick around to tell you?" 14397% 14398This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly, 14399because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under 14400which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has 14401"deregulated" the airline industry. What this means for you, the 14402consumer, is that the airlines are no longer required to follow any 14403rules whatsoever. They can show snuff movies. They can charge for 14404oxygen. They can hire pilots right out of Vending Machine Refill 14405Person School. They can conserve fuel by ejecting husky passengers 14406over water. They can ram competing planes in mid-air. These 14407innovations have resulted in tremendous cost savings which have been 14408passed along to you, the consumer, in the form of flights with 14409amazingly low fares, such as $29. Of course, certain restrictions do 14410apply, the main one being that all these flights take you to Newark, 14411and you must pay thousands of dollars if you want to fly back out. 14412 -- Dave Barry, "Iowa -- Land of Secure Vacations" 14413% 14414This is an unauthorized cybernetic announcement. 14415% 14416This is for all ill-treated fellows 14417 Unborn and unbegot, 14418For them to read when they're in trouble 14419 And I am not. 14420 -- A. E. Housman 14421% 14422"This is lemma 1.1. We start a new chapter so the numbers all go back 14423to one." 14424 -- Prof. Seager, C&O 351 14425% 14426This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week. 14427% 14428THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM 14429 14430If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your 14431contribution of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue 14432without your support. Less than 14% of all fortune users are 14433contributors. That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride. We 14434can't go on like this much longer. Federal cutbacks mean less money 14435for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase to make up the 14436difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between midnight 14437and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to 14438"fortune". Just type in your favorite pithy saying. Do it now before 14439you forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week. 14440Don't miss out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute 1444130 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The 14442Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide. If you contribute 50 or 14443more, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug .... 14444% 14445This is the first numerical problem I ever did. It demonstrates the 14446power of computers: 14447 14448Enter lots of data on calorie & nutritive content of foods. Instruct 14449the thing to maximize a function describing nutritive content, with a 14450minimum level of each component, for fixed caloric content. The 14451results are that one should eat each day: 14452 14453 1/2 chicken 14454 1 egg 14455 1 glass of skim milk 14456 27 heads of lettuce. 14457 -- Rev. Adrian Melott 14458% 14459This is the ____LAST time I take travel suggestions from Ray Bradbury! 14460% 14461This is the story of the bee 14462Whose sex is very hard to see 14463 14464You cannot tell the he from the she 14465But she can tell, and so can he 14466 14467The little bee is never still 14468She has no time to take the pill 14469 14470And that is why, in times like these 14471There are so many sons of bees. 14472% 14473This is your fortune. 14474% 14475This land is full of trousers! 14476this land is full of mausers! 14477 And pussycats to eat them when the sun goes down! 14478 -- Firesign Theater 14479% 14480This land is made of mountains, 14481This land is made of mud, 14482This land has lots of everything, 14483For me and Elmer Fudd. 14484 14485This land has lots of trousers, 14486This land has lots of mousers, 14487And pussycats to eat them 14488When the sun goes down. 14489% 14490This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual life, 14491you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where 14492to go. 14493% 14494This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88 14495% 14496This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with 14497great force. 14498 -- Dorothy Parker 14499% 14500This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of 14501the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many 14502solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were 14503largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, 14504which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of 14505paper that were unhappy. 14506 -- Douglas Adams 14507% 14508"This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does 14509something child-like." 14510 -- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454 14511% 14512This quote is taken from the Diamondback, the University of Maryland 14513student newspaper, of Tuesday, 3/10/87. 14514 14515 One disadvantage of the Univac system is that it does not use 14516 Unix, a recently developed program which translates from one 14517 computer language to another and has a built-in editing system 14518 which identifies errors in the original program. 14519% 14520This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't. 14521 -- Hofstadter 14522% 14523This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget 14524it. 14525% 14526Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those 14527of us who do. 14528% 14529Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate. 14530% 14531Those who can't write, write manuals. 14532% 14533"Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics." 14534 -- French Proverb 14535% 14536Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly. 14537 -- Henry Spencer 14538% 14539Those who educate children well are more to be honored than parents, 14540for these only gave life, those the art of living well. 14541 -- Aristotle 14542% 14543Those who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often 14544surprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law. 14545 -- Mark B. Cohen 14546% 14547Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose. 14548% 14549Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent 14550revolution inevitable. 14551 -- John F. Kennedy 14552% 14553Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet deprecate agitation, are 14554men who want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean 14555without the roar of its many waters. 14556 -- Frederick Douglass 14557% 14558Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are 14559the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with 14560Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether -- 14561whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation ... A 14562fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any 14563more about the matter than the others. 14564 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 14565% 14566Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana. 14567% 14568Time is an illusion; lunchtime, doubly so. 14569 -- Ford Prefect 14570% 14571Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at 14572once. 14573% 14574'Tis the dream of each programmer, 14575Before his life is done, 14576To write three lines of APL, 14577And make the damn things run. 14578% 14579To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it. 14580% 14581To be is to do. 14582 -- I. Kant 14583To do is to be. 14584 -- A. Sartre 14585Yabba-Dabba-Doo! 14586 -- F. Flintstone 14587% 14588"To be responsive at this time, though I will simply say, and therefore 14589this is a repeat of what I said previously, that which I am unable to 14590offer in response is based on information available to make no such 14591statement." 14592% 14593To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit, 14594call it the target. 14595% 14596To envision how a 4-processor system running [SunOS] 4.1.x works, think 14597of four kids and one bathroom. 14598 -- John DiMarco 14599% 14600"To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System" 14601% 14602To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy. 14603% 14604To err is human, to moo bovine. 14605% 14606To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D. 14607 -- B. Duggan 14608% 14609To generalize is to be an idiot. 14610 -- William Blake 14611% 14612To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three 14613men, two of them absent. 14614% 14615To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk. 14616 -- Thomas Edison 14617% 14618To iterate is human, to recurse, divine. 14619% 14620To the best of my recollection, Senator, I can't recall. 14621% 14622To the systems programmer, users and applications serve only to provide 14623a test load. 14624% 14625To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional 14626system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy, 14627inelegant, and unsatisfying. But it's a question of congruence: 14628precision and flexibility may be just as disfunctional in novel, 14629uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar, 14630well-defined ones. Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures 14631of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very 14632secure ecological niche. 14633 -- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers" 14634% 14635To understand this important story, you have to understand how the 14636telephone company works. Your telephone is connected to a local 14637computer, which is in turn connected to a regional computer, which is 14638in turn connected to a loudspeaker the size of a garbage truck on the 14639lawn of Edna A. Bargewater of Lawrence, Kan. 14640 14641Whenever you talk on the phone, your local computer listens in. If it 14642suspects you're going to discuss an intimate topic, it notifies the 14643computer above it, which listens in and decides whether to alert the 14644one above it, until finally, if you really humiliate yourself, maybe 14645break down in tears and tell your closest friend about a sordid 14646incident from your past involving a seedy motel, a neighbor's spouse, 14647an entire religious order, a garden hose and six quarts of tapioca 14648pudding, the top computer feeds your conversation into Edna's 14649loudspeaker, and she and her friends come out on the porch to listen 14650and drink gin and laugh themselves silly. 14651 -- Dave Barry, "Won't It Be Just Great Owning Our Own 14652 Phones?" 14653% 14654"To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it?" 14655% 14656"To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition." 14657 -- Woody Allen 14658% 14659Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official. 14660% 14661Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day. 14662% 14663Today is the first day of the rest of the mess 14664% 14665Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage. 14666% 14667Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday 14668% 14669"Today, of course, it is considered very poor taste to use the F-word 14670except in major motion pictures." 14671 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" 14672% 14673Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity? 14674 14675And where does it go after it leaves the toaster? 14676 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 14677% 14678"Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new 14679cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more 14680spectacular adventure starring ... Tippy, the Wonder Dog." 14681 -- Bob & Ray 14682% 14683Toilet Toup'ee, n.: 14684 Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus 14685creating endless annoyance to male users. 14686 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 14687% 14688Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest. 14689% 14690Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree. 14691% 14692Too clever is dumb. 14693 -- Ogden Nash 14694% 14695Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL. 14696 -- Mae West 14697% 14698Too much of everything is just enough. 14699 -- Bob Wier 14700% 14701Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available 14702briefcases. 14703 -- Governor Jerry Brown 14704% 14705Top 10 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon Programmer: 14706 1470710) Specifications are for the weak and timid! 14708 9) You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand! 14709 8) Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull! 14710 7) What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'. 14711 Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality 14712 assurance people in its wake. 14713 6) Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments' 14714 - and they ALWAYS WIN THEM. 14715 5) Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak. 14716 4) A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code! 14717 3) Klingon software does NOT have BUGS. It has FEATURES, and those features 14718 are too sophisticated for a Romulan pig like you to understand. 14719 2) You cannot truly appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the 14720 original Klingon. 14721 1) Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship 14722 it and let them flee like the dogs they are! 14723% 14724Top scientists agree that with the present rate of consumption, the 14725earth's supply of gravity will be exhausted before the 24th century. 14726As man struggles to discover cheaper alternatives, we need your help. 14727Please... 14728 14729 CONSERVE GRAVITY 14730 14731Follow these simple suggestions: 14732 14733(1) Walk with a light step. Carry helium balloons if possible. 14734(2) Use tape, magnets, or glue instead of paperweights. 14735(3) Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like 14736 curling. 14737(4) Avoid showers .. take baths instead. 14738(5) Don't hang all your clothes in the closet ... Keep them in one big 14739 pile. 14740(6) Stop flipping pancakes 14741% 14742Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow. 14743% 14744Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful, wealthy, and live 14745in eucalyptus trees. 14746% 14747Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant 14748intelligence. 14749 -- Henrik Tikkanen 14750% 14751Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it. 14752 -- Mark Twain 14753% 14754Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.) 14755% 14756Truthful, adj.: 14757 Dumb and illiterate. 14758 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 14759% 14760Try not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational. 14761 -- Charles Schulz 14762% 14763Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no 14764good. 14765% 14766Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading: Was it done, 14767is it being done, or is something to be done? Reports are now written 14768in four tenses: past tense, present tense, future tense, and 14769pretense. Watch for novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmer), 14770defined by the imperfect past, the insufficient present, and the 14771absolutely perfect future. 14772 -- Amrom Katz 14773% 14774Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance. 14775% 14776Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only 14777specification is that it should run noiselessly. 14778% 14779Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth. 14780 -- Alan Watts 14781% 14782Trying to establish voice contact ... please ____yell into keyboard. 14783% 14784Turnaucka's Law: 14785 The attention span of a computer is only as long as its 14786electrical cord. 14787% 14788Tussman's Law: 14789 Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. 14790% 14791TV is chewing gum for the eyes. 14792 -- Frank Lloyd Wright 14793% 14794'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks 14795Did gyre and gimble in their cave 14796All mimsy was the CS-VAX 14797And Cory raths outgrabe. 14798 14799"Beware the software rot, my son! 14800The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash! 14801Beware the broken pipe, and shun 14802The frumious system crash!" 14803% 14804'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period 14805 preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, And 14806 throughout our place of residence, 14807Kinetic activity was not in evidence among the 14808 possessors of this potential, including that 14809 species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. 14810Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward 14811 edge of the woodburning caloric apparatus, 14812Pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an 14813 imminent visitation from an eccentric 14814 philanthropist among whose folkloric appelations 14815 is the honorific title of St. Nicklaus ... 14816% 14817Twenty Percent of Zero is Better than Nothing. 14818 -- Walt Kelly 14819% 14820Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long. 14821 -- Howard Kandel 14822% 14823Two men came before Nasrudin when he was magistrate. The first man 14824said, "This man has bitten my ear -- I demand compensation." The 14825second man said, "He bit it himself." Nasrudin withdrew to his 14826chambers, and spent an hour trying to bite his own ear. He succeeded 14827only in falling over and bruising his forehead. Returning to the 14828courtroom, Nasrudin pronounced, "Examine the man whose ear was bitten. 14829If his forehead is bruised, he did it himself and the case is 14830dismissed. If his forehead is not bruised, the other man did it and 14831must pay three silver pieces." 14832% 14833Two percent of zero is almost nothing. 14834% 14835"Two sure ways to tell a sexy male; the first is, he has a bad memory. 14836I forget the second." 14837% 14838Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do. 14839% 14840U: There's a U -- a Unicorn! 14841 Run right up and rub its horn. 14842 Look at all those points you're losing! 14843 UMBER HULKS are so confusing. 14844 -- The Roguelet's ABC 14845% 14846"Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex." 14847 14848(Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.) 14849 -- Roman Law, trans. Petr Beckmann (1971) 14850% 14851UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist. 14852% 14853"Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?" 14854 14855"It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to food, 14856right?" 14857 -- MacNelley, "Shoe" 14858% 14859Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb: 14860 Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a 14861hammer or get a splinter in it. 14862% 14863Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a 14864just man is also in prison. 14865 -- Henry David Thoreau 14866% 14867Under deadline pressure for the next week. If you want something, it 14868can wait. Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic ... 14869% 14870Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics: 14871 Superiority is recessive. 14872% 14873Unfair animal names: 14874 14875-- tsetse fly -- bullhead 14876-- booby -- duck-billed platypus 14877-- sapsucker -- Clarence 14878 -- Gary Larson 14879% 14880United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the 14881Christmas season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of 14882all the military forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of 14883all the patriots of every persuasion. 14884 14885Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low over the 14886world. 14887 -- Isaac Asimov 14888% 14889Universe, n.: 14890 The problem. 14891% 14892University, n.: 14893 Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's 14894usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to 14895fix it, and ... 14896% 14897unix soit qui mal y pense 14898% 14899UNIX was half a billion (500000000) seconds old on 14900Tue Nov 5 00:53:20 1985 GMT (measuring since the time(2) epoch). 14901 -- Andy Tannenbaum 14902% 14903Unnamed Law: 14904 If it happens, it must be possible. 14905% 14906Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out 14907twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages. 14908 -- H. L. Mencken 14909% 14910Usage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec ... inputdir 14911% 14912User n.: 14913 A programmer who will believe anything you tell him. 14914% 14915USER, n.: 14916 The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot." 14917 -- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top" 14918% 14919Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach. 14920 -- S. C. Johnson 14921% 14922Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, 14923opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none. 14924 -- Doug Larson 14925% 14926Vail's Second Axiom: 14927 The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the 14928amount of work already completed. 14929% 14930Valerie: Aww, Tom, you're going maudlin on me ... 14931Tom: I reserve the right to wax maudlin as I wane eloquent ... 14932 -- Tom Chapin 14933% 14934Van Roy's Law: 14935 An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. 14936% 14937Vanilla, adj.: 14938 Ordinary flavor, standard. See FLAVOR. When used of food, 14939very often does not mean that the food is flavored with vanilla 14940extract! For example, "vanilla-flavored won ton soup" (or simply 14941"vanilla won ton soup") means ordinary won ton soup, as opposed to hot 14942and sour won ton soup. 14943% 14944Velilind's Laws of Experimentation: 14945 (1) If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only 14946 once. 14947 (2) If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data 14948 points. 14949% 14950Veni, Vidi, Visa. 14951% 14952Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters. 14953% 14954Vila: "I think I have just made the biggest mistake of my life." 14955Orac: "It is unlikely. I would predict there are far greater mistakes 14956 waiting to be made by someone with your obvious talent for it." 14957% 14958Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. 14959 -- Salvor Hardin 14960% 14961Virginia law forbids bathtubs in the house; tubs must be kept in the 14962yard. 14963% 14964VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) 14965 Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count to 14966 ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this 14967 morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you 14968 wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of 14969 that old underwear you own. 14970% 14971VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) 14972 You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is 14973 sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and 14974 sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus 14975 drivers. 14976% 14977"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from. 14978% 14979Virtue is its own punishment. 14980% 14981Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving 14982from where you left them to where you can't find them. 14983% 14984Vitamin C deficiency is apauling 14985% 14986VMS is like a nightmare about RSX-11M. 14987% 14988Vote anarchist 14989% 14990Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and 14991TAX-DEFERRED! 14992% 14993VYARZERZOMANIMORORSEZASSEZANSERAREORSES? 14994% 14995"Wagner's music is better than it sounds." 14996 -- Mark Twain 14997% 14998Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?" 149991st customer: "I'll have tea." 150002nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!" 15001 (Waiter exits, returns) 15002Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?" 15003% 15004Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser. 15005% 15006War hath no fury like a non-combatant. 15007 -- Charles Edward Montague 15008% 15009War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ketchup is a vegetable. 15010% 15011WARNING: 15012 Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your 15013mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth of hair on 15014your palms, and make a difference in the outcome of your favorite war. 15015% 15016Warning: Do not look directly into laser with remaining eye. 15017% 15018Warning: Listening to WXRT on April Fools' Day is not recommended for 15019those who are slightly disoriented the first few hours after waking 15020up. 15021 -- Chicago Reader 4/22/83 15022% 15023Warp 7 -- It's a law we can live with. 15024% 15025Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm. 15026 -- John F. Kennedy 15027% 15028Waste not, get your budget cut next year. 15029% 15030Wasting time is an important part of living. 15031% 15032Watson's Law: 15033 The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the 15034number and significance of any persons watching it. 15035% 15036We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which 15037divides us is whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being 15038correct. My own feeling is that it is not crazy enough. 15039 -- Niels Bohr 15040% 15041We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. 15042 -- Oscar Wilde 15043% 15044We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm. 15045 -- Winston Churchill 15046% 15047We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it. 15048 -- Whole Earth Catalog 15049% 15050We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities. 15051 -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo" 15052% 15053We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to 15054socialism, because socialism is defunct. It dies all by itself. The 15055bad thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say 15056socialism? 15057 -- Fidel Castro 15058% 15059"We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat's next-to-last 15060theorem." 15061 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 15062% 15063"We are upping our standards ... so up yours." 15064 -- Pat Paulsen for President, 1988. 15065% 15066We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved. 15067% 15068We cannot put the face of a person on a stamp unless said person is 15069deceased. My suggestion, therefore, is that you drop dead. 15070 -- James E. Day, Postmaster General 15071% 15072"We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!" 15073 -- Vroomfondel 15074% 15075"We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company." 15076% 15077We don't know who discovered water, but we're certain it wasn't a 15078fish. 15079% 15080We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't understand the 15081hardware, but we can *___see* the blinking lights! 15082% 15083We gave you an atomic bomb, what do you want, mermaids? 15084 -- I. I. Rabi to the Atomic Energy Commission 15085% 15086"We had it tough ... I had to get up at 9 o'clock at night, half an 15087hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work 29 hours down 15088mill, and when we came home our Dad would kill us, and dance about on 15089our grave singing Haleleuia ..." 15090 -- Monty Python 15091% 15092We have met the enemy, and he is us. 15093 -- Walt Kelly 15094% 15095We have only two things to worry about: That things will never get 15096back to normal, and that they already have. 15097% 15098"We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his 15099hands for masturbation." 15100 -- Lily Tomlin 15101% 15102We have the flu. I don't know if this particular strain has an 15103official name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death 15104Flu". You may have had it yourself. The main symptom is that you wish 15105you had another setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that 15106said "ELECTROCUTION". 15107 15108Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a) your 15109teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength. Midway through the brushing 15110process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a 15111couple of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways 15112out of your mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste 15113stalagmites that would bond your head permanently to the bathroom 15114floor, which is how the police would find you. 15115 15116You know the kind of flu I'm talking about. 15117 -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide" 15118% 15119We may hope that machines will eventually compete with men in all 15120purely intellectual fields. But which are the best ones to start 15121with? Many people think that a very abstract activity, like the 15122playing of chess, would be best. It can also be maintained that it is 15123best to provide the machine with the best sense organs that money can 15124buy, and then teach it to understand and speak English. 15125 -- Alan M. Turing 15126% 15127We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always 15128respect their good judgement. 15129% 15130We must remember the First Amendment which protects any shrill jackass 15131no matter how self-seeking. 15132 -- F. G. Withington 15133% 15134We ought to be very grateful that we have tools. Millions of years ago 15135people did not have them, and home projects were extremely difficult. 15136For example, when a primitive person wanted to put up paneling, he had 15137to drive the little paneling nails into the cave wall with his bare 15138fist, so generally the paneling wound up getting spattered with 15139primitive blood, which isn't really all that bad when you consider how 15140ugly paneling is to begin with. 15141 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 15142% 15143We really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of our best 15144friends are trying to kill us. 15145% 15146We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one 15147technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter. 15148% 15149we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love, 15150we will cry over things we used to laugh & 15151our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentile 15152creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then & 15153in the end a summer with wild winds & 15154new friends will be. 15155% 15156We wish you a Hare Krishna 15157We wish you a Hare Krishna 15158We wish you a Hare Krishna 15159And a Sun Myung Moon! 15160 -- Maxwell Smart 15161% 15162Weiler's Law: 15163 Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it 15164himself. 15165% 15166Weinberg's First Law: 15167 Progress is made on alternate Fridays. 15168% 15169Weinberg's Principle: 15170 An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while 15171sweeping on to the grand fallacy. 15172% 15173Weinberg's Second Law: 15174 If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, 15175then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. 15176% 15177Weiner's Law of Libraries: 15178 There are no answers, only cross references. 15179% 15180Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter. He'll come in handy if 15181you run out of food. 15182 -- Dean McLaughlin. 15183% 15184"Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is 15185no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five 15186hundred." 15187 -- The Mahabharata. 15188% 15189"We'll cross out that bridge when we come back to it later." 15190% 15191Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a 15192lot of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke. Hartke is a 15193governor or mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the 15194reason you'll be reading about him is that he's one of the 50 top 15195contenders for the 1984 Democratic presidential nomination. These men 15196will spend the next 18 months going around the country engaging in the 15197most degrading activities imaginable, such as wearing idiot hats and 15198appearing on "Meet the Press". "Meet the Press" is one of those Sunday 15199morning public interest shows that the public is not the least bit 15200interested in. It features a panel of reporters who ask questions of a 15201guest politician, who wins an Amana home freezer if he can get through 15202the entire show without answering a single question ... 15203 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics" 15204% 15205Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them 15206back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds, 15207or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they 15208they couldn't afford it, that would hold them off. 15209 -- President Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile 15210% 15211"Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *___can* 15212you believe?!" 15213 -- Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward] 15214% 15215Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail, 15216 And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail; 15217I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues, 15218 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. 15219 15220If you think that it's nice that you get what you C, 15221 Then go : illogical statement with your whole family, 15222'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views. 15223 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. 15224 15225On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze, 15226 But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze. 15227Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse, 15228 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. 15229 -- Core Dumped Blues 15230% 15231"Well, that was a piece of cake, eh K-9?" 15232 15233"Piece of cake, Master? Radial slice of baked confection ... 15234coefficient of relevance to Key of Time: zero." 15235 -- Dr. Who 15236% 15237We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from 15238the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging 15239you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right 15240in his bowl full of jelly. 15241 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" 15242% 15243We're only in it for the volume. 15244 -- Black Sabbath 15245% 15246Westheimer's Discovery: 15247 A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a 15248couple of hours in the library. 15249% 15250Wethern's Law: 15251 Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. 15252% 15253We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center 15254of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week, 15255but for some reason nobody's ever done it. 15256 -- Andy Rooney 15257% 15258"What are we going to do?" 15259 15260"Me, I'm examining the major Western religions. I'm looking for 15261something that's soft on morality, generous with holidays, and has a 15262short initiation period." 15263% 15264"What are you doing?" 15265 15266"Examining the world's major religions. I'm looking for something 15267that's light on morals, has lots of holidays, and with a short 15268initiation period." 15269% 15270What color is a chameleon on a mirror? 15271% 15272What does it mean if there is no fortune for you? 15273% 15274What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"? 15275% 15276What garlic is to food, insanity is to art. 15277% 15278What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art. 15279% 15280"What George Washington did for us was to throw out the British, so 15281that we wouldn't have a fat, insensitive government running our 15282country. Nice try anyway, George." 15283 -- D.J. on KSFO/KYA 15284% 15285What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the 15286entrance? 15287% 15288What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow 15289in his footsteps? 15290% 15291What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I hop into the shower 15292stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped in I landed 15293barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot character 15294from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off of 15295while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our 15296dog, Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up 15297powerful dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the 15298bathroom and wants to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any 15299one of which -- bear in mind that I am naked and, without my contact 15300lenses, essentially blind -- could result in the kind of injury where 15301you have to learn a whole new part if you want to sing the "Messiah", 15302if you get my drift. Then I hop right back out, because Robert, with 15303that uncanny sixth sense some children have -- you cannot teach it; 15304they either have it or they don't -- has chosen exactly that moment to 15305flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them. 15306 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face" 15307% 15308What I tell you three times is true. 15309% 15310"What I think is that the F-word is basically just a convenient nasty- 15311sounding word that we tend to use when we would really like to come up 15312with a terrifically witty insult, the kind Winston Churchill always 15313came up with when enormous women asked him stupid questions at 15314parties. 15315 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" 15316% 15317What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility. 15318% 15319What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I 15320definitely overpaid for my carpet. 15321 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 15322% 15323What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's 15324worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists? 15325 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 15326% 15327What is a magician but a practicing theorist? 15328 -- Obi-Wan Kenobi 15329% 15330What is mind? No matter. 15331What is matter? Never mind. 15332 -- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875 15333% 15334What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern 15335computer? It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest 15336and the establishment of a Hilton on its peak. 15337% 15338"What is the Nature of God?" 15339 15340 CLICK...CLICK...WHIRRR...CLICK...=BEEP!= 15341 1 QT. SOUR CREAM 15342 1 TSP. SAUERKRAUT 15343 1/2 CUT CHIVES. 15344 STIR AND SPRINKLE WITH BACON BITS. 15345 15346"I've just GOT to start labeling my software..." 15347 -- Bloom County 15348% 15349"What is the robbing of a bank compared to the FOUNDING of a bank?" 15350 -- Bertold Brecht 15351% 15352"What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out, 15353which is the exact opposite." 15354 -- Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical_Essays", 1928 15355% 15356What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do. 15357% 15358"What I've done, of course, is total garbage." 15359 -- R. Willard, Pure Math 430a 15360% 15361What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing 15362to compare it with. 15363% 15364What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism. 15365It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books 15366and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes 15367and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: "Yes, 15368women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate 15369mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige 15370and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort." 15371 -- Susan Gordon 15372% 15373What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy? 15374 -- Ursula K. LeGuin 15375% 15376What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket. 15377% 15378What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away. 15379% 15380What the world *really* needs is a good Automatic Bicycle Sharpener. 15381% 15382What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel. 15383% 15384What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent 15385bagel. 15386% 15387What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING! 15388% 15389What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer. 15390% 15391What this country needs is a good five cent nickel. 15392% 15393What this country needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon. 15394% 15395What this world needs is a good five-dollar plasma weapon. 15396% 15397What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn? 15398 -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn" 15399% 15400What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which 15401nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday 15402Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space- 15403launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, during which it just 15404remains 7 a.m. This way we could all wake up via a civilized gradual 15405process of stretching and belching and scratching, and it would still 15406be only 7 a.m. when we were ready to actually emerge from bed. 15407 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" 15408% 15409What you don't know can hurt you, only you won't know it. 15410% 15411Whatever became of eternal truth? 15412% 15413Whatever became of Strange de Jim? Well, he found a substitute for 15414cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your nostrils 15415as far as they will go. Then you sniff talcum powder while shredding 15416hundred dollar bills." 15417 -- Herb Caen 15418% 15419Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not 15420nailed down. 15421 -- Collis P. Huntingdon 15422% 15423"Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not 15424cockroaches!" 15425 -- Mom 15426% 15427"What's another word for Thesaurus?" 15428 -- Steven Wright 15429% 15430"What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?" 15431 -- Dr. Who 15432% 15433When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him -- that's where the 15434money is. 15435 -- Robespierre 15436% 15437When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the 15438thing," it's the money. 15439 -- Kim Hubbard 15440% 15441When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half 15442loop? 15443% 15444When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is 15445not far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space 15446travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere. 15447 -- Robert Heinlein 15448% 15449When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see the 15450sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain 15451relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten. 15452 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle 15453 Maintenance" 15454% 15455When all other means of communication fail, try words. 15456% 15457"When are you BUTTHEADS gonna learn that you can't oppose Gestapo 15458tactics *with* Gestapo tactics?" 15459 -- Reuben Flagg 15460% 15461When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before 15462the white men came, an Indian said simply "Ours." 15463 -- Vine Deloria, Jr. 15464% 15465When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask? Well, last year, I 15466think it was a Tuesday. 15467% 15468When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to 15469guarantee them. 15470% 15471"When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great 15472parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if 15473I'm leaving." 15474 -- Steven Wright 15475% 15476When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a 15477year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire 15478winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer. 15479 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" 15480% 15481When I said "we", officer, I was referring to myself, the four young 15482ladies, and, of course, the goat. 15483% 15484When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now 15485I'm beginning to believe it. 15486 -- Clarence Darrow 15487% 15488When I was a kid I said to my father one afternoon, "Daddy, will you 15489take me to the zoo?" He answered, "If the zoo wants you let them come 15490and get you." 15491 -- Jerry Lewis 15492% 15493"When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any 15494firearms with me. I said, `Well, what do you need?'" 15495 -- Steven Wright 15496% 15497When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into 15498the soul of the boy sitting next to me. 15499 -- Woody Allen 15500% 15501When I was seven years old, I was once reprimanded by my mother for an 15502act of collective brutality in which I had been involved at school. A 15503group of seven-year-olds had been teasing and tormenting a 15504six-year-old. "It is always so," my mother said. "You do things 15505together which not one of you would think of doing alone." ... 15506Wherever one looks in the world of human organization, collective 15507responsibility brings a lowering of moral standards. The military 15508establishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems to have 15509been expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things 15510together which nobody in his right mind would do alone. 15511 -- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope" 15512% 15513When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened 15514or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I 15515cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to 15516go to pieces like this but we all have to do it. 15517 -- Mark Twain 15518% 15519When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess. 15520% 15521"When in doubt, tell the truth." 15522 -- Mark Twain 15523% 15524When in doubt, use brute force. 15525 -- Ken Thompson 15526% 15527When in panic, fear and doubt, 15528Drink in barrels, eat, and shout. 15529% 15530When love is gone, there's always justice. 15531And when justice is gone, there's always force. 15532And when force is gone, there's always Mom. 15533Hi, Mom! 15534 -- Laurie Anderson 15535% 15536When Marriage is Outlawed, 15537Only Outlaws will have Inlaws. 15538% 15539When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment 15540results. 15541 -- Calvin Coolidge 15542% 15543When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony 15544concerts, she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years -- 15545and I find I mind it less and less." 15546 -- Louise Andrews Kent 15547% 15548When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: 15549for every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when 15550your boss is away and you get twice as much done. 15551 -- Daniel B. Luten 15552% 15553When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only 15554say what I wish done," give him a lollipop. 15555% 15556"When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical" 15557 -- Jon Carroll 15558% 15559When the government bureau's remedies don't match your problem, you 15560modify the problem, not the remedy. 15561% 15562When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies, 15563the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a 15564nose bleed, which usually cures them of ____that. 15565 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 15566% 15567When the speaker and he to whom he is speaks do not understand, that is 15568metaphysics. 15569 -- Voltaire 15570% 15571When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the 15572stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them 15573from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones 15574were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the 15575corners as bodies of a lower grade ... 15576 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 15577% 15578When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the 15579plane will fly. 15580 -- Donald Douglas 15581% 15582When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most 15583insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are 15584required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and 15585exhausting condition continuously until death do them part. 15586 -- George Bernard Shaw 15587% 15588When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is 15589not hereditary. 15590 -- Thomas Paine 15591% 15592When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be as before -- 15593except our fingertips will have been singed. 15594 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 15595% 15596When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of 15597investigation of a topic, it is well to have the answer firmly in hand, 15598so that you can proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or 15599swayed, directly to the goal. 15600 -- Amrom Katz 15601% 15602"When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut." 15603% 15604When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly. 15605% 15606When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship. 15607 -- Harry Truman 15608% 15609"When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite." 15610 -- Winston Churchill, On formal declarations of war 15611% 15612When you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by 15613asking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don't 15614know the answer either. 15615 -- Edgar R. Fiedler 15616% 15617When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers. 15618 -- The Wall Street Journal 15619% 15620When you try to make an impression, the chances are that is the 15621impression you will make. 15622% 15623When you're away, I'm restless, lonely, 15624Wretched, bored, dejected; only 15625Here's the rub, my darling dear 15626I feel the same when you are near. 15627 -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "When You're Away" 15628% 15629When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN. 15630% 15631Whenever anyone says, "theoretically", they really mean, "not really". 15632 -- Dave Parnas 15633% 15634Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to 15635see it tried on him personally. 15636 -- A. Lincoln 15637% 15638Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. 15639 -- Oscar Wilde 15640% 15641Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last 15642you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his 15643Atlantic with his verb in his mouth. 15644 -- Mark Twain 15645 "Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court" 15646% 15647Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time 15648to reform. 15649 -- Mark Twain 15650% 15651WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE 15652 15653 Oh, dear, where can the matter be 15654 When it's converted to energy? 15655 There is a slight loss of parity. 15656 Johnny's so long at the fair. 15657% 15658Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what 15659is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will. 15660 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 15661% 15662Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax. 15663% 15664Whether you can hear it or not 15665The Universe is laughing behind your back 15666 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 15667% 15668Which is worse: ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares? 15669% 15670While anyone can admit to themselves they were wrong, the true test is 15671admission to someone else. 15672% 15673While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things, 15674The fate of empires and the fall of kings; 15675While quacks of State must each produce his plan, 15676And even children lisp the Rights of Man; 15677Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention, 15678The Rights of Woman merit some attention. 15679 -- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman", 15680 November 26, 1792 15681% 15682While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several. 15683% 15684While it may be true that a watched pot never boils, the one you don't 15685keep an eye on can make an awful mess of your stove. 15686 -- Edward Stevenson 15687% 15688While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own 15689form of misery. 15690% 15691While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining 15692position. 15693% 15694While most peoples' opinions change, the conviction of their 15695correctness never does. 15696% 15697While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's still very 15698reassuring to know that it's still there. 15699% 15700While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are 15701safe, for you can watch both of his. 15702 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 15703% 15704Whistler's Law: 15705 You never know who is right, but you always know who is in 15706charge. 15707% 15708"Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with our new 15709Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process ..." 15710% 15711Who made the world I cannot tell; 15712'Tis made, and here am I in hell. 15713My hand, though now my knuckles bleed, 15714I never soiled with such a deed. 15715 -- A. E. Housman 15716% 15717Who messed with my anti-paranoia shot? 15718% 15719Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink? 15720% 15721"Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school. 15722 -- George Ade 15723% 15724Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad. 15725% 15726Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising. 15727% 15728Who's on first? 15729% 15730"Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like `Amadeus'? I could 15731have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing." 15732 -- Ian Shoales 15733% 15734"Why be a man when you can be a success?" 15735 -- Bertold Brecht 15736% 15737Why bother building any more nuclear warheads until we use the ones we 15738have? 15739% 15740Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else? 15741% 15742Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to 15743avoid responsibility with? 15744% 15745Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office 15746automation? 15747% 15748Why do we have two eyes? To watch 3-D movies with. 15749% 15750Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently 15751there must be a beverage. 15752 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 15753% 15754Why does New Jersey have more toxic waste dumps and California have 15755more lawyers? 15756 15757New Jersey had first choice. 15758% 15759Why don't elephants eat penguins ? 15760 15761Because they can't get the wrappers off ... 15762% 15763Why I Can't Go Out With You: 15764 15765I'd LOVE to, but ... 15766 -- I have to floss my cat. 15767 -- I've dedicated my life to linguini. 15768 -- I need to spend more time with my blender. 15769 -- it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People. 15770 -- it's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish. 15771 -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves. 15772 -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products. 15773 -- I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise. 15774 -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist. 15775 -- I have some really hard words to look up. 15776 -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting. 15777 -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps. 15778% 15779"Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is 15780because we are not the person involved" 15781 -- Mark Twain 15782% 15783Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? 15784% 15785"Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?" 15786 -- Lily Tomlin 15787% 15788"Why must you tell me all your secrets when it's hard enough to love 15789you knowing nothing?" 15790 -- Lloyd Cole and the Commotions 15791% 15792Why not have an old-fashioned Christmas for your family this year? 15793Just picture the scene in your living room on Christmas morning as your 15794children open their old-fashioned presents. 15795 15796Your 11-year-old son: "What the heck is this?" 15797 15798You: "A spinning top! You spin it around, and then eventually it 15799 falls down. What fun! Ha, ha!" 15800 15801Son: "Is this a joke? Jason Thompson's parents got him a computer 15802 with two disk drives and 128 kilobytes of random-access memory, 15803 and I get this cretin TOP?" 15804 15805Your 8-year-old daughter: "You think that's bad? Look at this." 15806 15807You: "It's figgy pudding! What a treat!" 15808 15809Daughter: "It looks like goat barf." 15810 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" 15811% 15812"Why was I born with such contemporaries?" 15813 -- Oscar Wilde 15814% 15815Why You Can't Run When There's Trouble in the Office: 15816 No matter where you stand, no matter how far or fast you flee, 15817when it hits the fan, as much as possible will be propelled in your 15818direction, and almost none will be returned to the source. 15819 -- John L. Shelton 15820% 15821Wiker's Law: 15822 Government expands to absorb revenue and then some. 15823% 15824Williams and Holland's Law: 15825 If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by 15826statistical methods. 15827% 15828Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as 15829it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat. 15830% 15831Wit, n.: 15832 The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery 15833... by leaving it out. 15834 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 15835% 15836With a gentleman I try to be a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I 15837try to be a fraud and a half. 15838 -- Otto von Bismarck 15839% 15840With a rubber duck, one's never alone. 15841 -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 15842% 15843With all the fancy scientists in the world, why can't they just once 15844build a nuclear balm? 15845% 15846With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand 15847miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and 15848still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no 15849such thing as progress. 15850 -- Ransom K. Ferm 15851% 15852Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless. 15853% 15854Wombat's Laws of Computer Selection: 15855 (1) If it doesn't run Unix, forget it. 15856 (2) Any computer design over 10 years old is obsolete. 15857 (3) Anything made by IBM is junk. (See number 2) 15858 (4) The minimum acceptable CPU power for a single user is a 15859 VAX/780 with a floating point accelerator. 15860 (5) Any computer with a mouse is worthless. 15861 -- Rich Kulawiec 15862% 15863Wood is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource. If 15864you cut down a tree, another will grow in its place. And if you cut 15865down the new tree, still another will grow. And if you cut down that 15866tree, yet another will grow, only this one will be a mutation with 15867long, poisonous tentacles and revenge in its heart, and it will sit 15868there in the forest, cackling and making elaborate plans for when you 15869come back. 15870 15871Wood heat is not new. It dates back to a day millions of years ago, 15872when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot. 15873Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire. One of the 15874cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: "Hey! Wood 15875heat!" The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately 15876beat him to death with stones. But the key discovery had been made, 15877and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed, 15878although their insurance rates went way up. 15879 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" 15880% 15881Work Rule: Leave of Absence (for an Operation): 15882 We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage 15883any thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you 15884should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, 15885and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we 15886bargained for. 15887% 15888Workers of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your 15889chairs. 15890% 15891World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced 15892dress code! 15893% 15894Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing: 15895 August. The lines are the shortest, though. 15896 -- Steve Rubenstein 15897% 15898Worst Month of the Year: 15899 February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if 15900you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you don't 15901get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible. 15902 -- Steve Rubenstein 15903% 15904Worst Response To A Crisis, 1985: 15905 From a readers' Q and A column in TV GUIDE: "If we get involved 15906in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from exploding bombs 15907damage my videotapes?" 15908% 15909Worst Vegetable of the Year: 15910 The brussels sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next 15911year. 15912 -- Steve Rubenstein 15913% 15914"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?" 15915 15916"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat 15917 -- Lewis Carroll 15918% 15919"Wouldn't the sentence 'I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish 15920and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign' have been clearer 15921if quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and 15922and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and 15923and, and and and Chips, as well as after Chips?" 15924% 15925Write-Protect Tab, n.: 15926 A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly 15927left by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error 15928message once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the 15929momentary inconvenience. 15930 -- Robb Russon 15931% 15932Writing about music is like dancing about architecture. 15933 -- Frank Zappa 15934% 15935"Wrong," said Renner. 15936 15937"The tactful way," Rod said quietly, "the polite way to disagree with 15938the Senator would be to say, `That turns out not to be the case.'" 15939% 15940Xerox does it again and again and again and ... 15941% 15942Xerox never comes up with anything original. 15943% 15944XIIdigitation, n.: 15945 The practice of trying to determine the year a movie was made 15946by deciphering the Roman numerals at the end of the credits. 15947 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 15948% 15949X-rated movies are all alike ... the only thing they leave to the 15950imagination is the plot. 15951% 15952"Yacc" owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have 15953goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in 15954their endless search for "one more feature". Their irritating 15955unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my 15956doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right. 15957 -- S. C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgements" 15958% 15959Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of APL, I shall 15960fear no evil, for I can string six primitive monadic and dyadic 15961operators together. 15962 -- Steve Higgins 15963% 15964"Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context." 15965% 15966Year, n.: 15967 A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments. 15968 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 15969% 15970Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache. 15971% 15972Yes, but which self do you want to be? 15973% 15974Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still 15975be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement. 15976 -- Snoopy 15977% 15978Yesterday upon the stair 15979I met a man who wasn't there. 15980He wasn't there again today -- 15981I think he's from the CIA. 15982% 15983Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again. 15984 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 15985% 15986Yinkel, n.: 15987 A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one 15988will notice. 15989 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 15990% 15991You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are. 15992% 15993You are here: 15994 *** 15995 *** 15996 ********* 15997 ******* 15998 ***** 15999 *** 16000 * 16001 16002 But you're not all there. 16003% 16004"You are old, Father William," the young man said, 16005 "All your papers these days look the same; 16006Those William's would be better unread -- 16007 Do these facts never fill you with shame?" 16008 16009"In my youth," Father William replied to his son, 16010 "I wrote wonderful papers galore; 16011But the great reputation I found that I'd won, 16012 Made it pointless to think any more." 16013% 16014"You are old, father William," the young man said, 16015 "And your hair has become very white; 16016And yet you incessantly stand on your head -- 16017 Do you think, at your age, it is right?" 16018 16019"In my youth," father William replied to his son, 16020 "I feared it might injure the brain; 16021But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none, 16022 Why, I do it again and again." 16023 -- Lewis Carroll 16024% 16025"You are old," said the youth, "and I'm told by my peers 16026 That your lectures bore people to death. 16027Yet you talk at one hundred conventions per year -- 16028 Don't you think that you should save your breath?" 16029 16030"I have answered three questions and that is enough," 16031 Said his father, "Don't give yourself airs! 16032Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? 16033 Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!" 16034% 16035"You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak 16036 For anything tougher than suet; 16037Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak -- 16038 Pray, how did you manage to do it?" 16039 16040"In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law, 16041 And argued each case with my wife; 16042And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw, 16043 Has lasted the rest of my life." 16044 -- Lewis Carroll 16045% 16046"You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run, 16047 And there isn't one language you like; 16048Yet of useful suggestions for help you have none -- 16049 Have you thought about taking a hike?" 16050 16051"Since I never write programs," his father replied, 16052 "Every language looks equally bad; 16053Yet the people keep paying to read all my books 16054 And don't realize that they've been had." 16055% 16056"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before, 16057 And have grown most uncommonly fat; 16058Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door -- 16059 Pray what is the reason of that?" 16060 16061"In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks, 16062 "I kept all my limbs very supple 16063By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box -- 16064 Allow me to sell you a couple?" 16065 -- Lewis Carroll 16066% 16067"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before, 16068 And make errors few people could bear; 16069You complain about everyone's English but yours -- 16070 Do you really think this is quite fair?" 16071 16072"I make lots of mistakes," Father William declared, 16073 "But my stature these days is so great 16074That no critic can hurt me -- I've got them all scared, 16075 And to stop me it's now far too late." 16076% 16077"You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose 16078 That your eye was as steady as ever; 16079Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose -- 16080 What made you so awfully clever?" 16081 16082"I have answered three questions, and that is enough," 16083 Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs! 16084Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? 16085 Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!" 16086 -- Lewis Carroll 16087% 16088You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. 16089% 16090You are the only person to ever get this message. 16091% 16092You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading 16093this sort of trash. 16094% 16095You buttered your bread, now lie in it. 16096% 16097You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting 16098incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail. 16099Fruitcakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable 16100to find a way to damage them. They last forever, largely because 16101nobody ever eats them. In fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes 16102they receive and send them back to the original givers the next year; 16103some fruitcakes have been passed back and forth for hundreds of years. 16104 16105The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then 16106pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear 16107safety glasses. 16108 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" 16109% 16110"You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it 16111doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on." 16112 -- Hepler, Systems Design 182 16113% 16114You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a senior 16115executive. 16116% 16117"You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them. 16118Why do you find that funny?" 16119 -- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350 16120% 16121You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you 16122can with just a kind word. 16123 -- Bumper Sticker 16124% 16125You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, 16126for instance. 16127 -- Franklin P. Jones 16128% 16129You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular. 16130% 16131You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on 16132the continuing viability of FORTRAN. 16133 -- Alan Perlis 16134% 16135You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. 16136% 16137You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding 16138decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left 16139over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart. 16140 -- F. Allen 16141% 16142You can tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the language of 16143supercomputers. 16144 -- Steven Feiner 16145% 16146You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish. 16147% 16148"You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename." 16149 -- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454 16150% 16151You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd. 16152% 16153You cannot kill time without injuring eternity. 16154% 16155You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back. 16156% 16157You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks. 16158% 16159"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?" 16160 -- Steven Wright 16161% 16162You can't hold a man down without staying down with him. 16163 -- Booker T. Washington 16164% 16165You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair. 16166% 16167"You can't make a program without broken egos." 16168% 16169You can't start worrying about what's going to happen. You get spastic 16170enough worrying about what's happening now. 16171 -- Lauren Bacall 16172% 16173"You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten." 16174 -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and 16175 Over and Over" 16176% 16177"You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they 16178don't." 16179 -- Dagwood Bumstead 16180% 16181You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first 16182and last month in advance. 16183% 16184You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable 16185doubt. 16186 -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict 16187% 16188You do not have mail. 16189% 16190You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers. 16191 -- J. D. Salinger 16192% 16193You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting 16194needles. 16195 -- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food 16196% 16197You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form. 16198The short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified", 16199which means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears 16200tax-preparation expert to distinguish between their first and last 16201names. Here's the complete text: 16202 16203 "(1) How much did you make? (AMOUNT) 16204 "(2) How much did we here at the government take out? (AMOUNT) 16205 "(3) Hey! Sounds like we took too much! So we're going to 16206 send an official government check for (ONE-FIFTEENTH OF 16207 THE AMOUNT WE TOOK) directly to the (YOUR LAST NAME) 16208 household at (YOUR ADDRESS), for you to spend in any way 16209 you please! Which just goes to show you, (YOUR FIRST 16210 NAME), that it pays to file the short form!" 16211 16212The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your 16213money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long 16214form. 16215 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" 16216% 16217You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers. 16218% 16219You have acquired a scroll entitled 'irk gleknow mizk'(n).--More-- 16220 16221This is an IBM Manual scroll.--More-- 16222 16223You are permanently confused. 16224 -- Dave Decot 16225% 16226You have an unusual magnetic personality. Don't walk too close to 16227metal objects which are not fastened down. 16228% 16229You have junk mail. 16230% 16231You have the body of a 19 year old. Please return it before it gets 16232wrinkled. 16233% 16234You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot 16235today. 16236% 16237You know if they ever find a way to harness sarcasm as an energy source, 16238you people are all going to owe me big. 16239 -- Bill Paul 16240% 16241You know it's going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothes 16242you wore home from the party and there aren't any. 16243% 16244You know the great thing about TV? If something important happens 16245anywhere at all in the world, no matter what time of the day or night, 16246you can always change the channel. 16247 -- Jim Ignatowski 16248% 16249You know you have a small apartment when Rice Krispies echo. 16250 -- S. Rickly Christian 16251% 16252You know you're a little fat if you have stretch marks on your car. 16253 -- Cyrus, Chicago Reader 1/22/82 16254% 16255You know you've been spending too much time on the computer when your 16256friend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it. 16257% 16258You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi. 16259% 16260You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled. 16261% 16262You may be recognized soon. Hide. 16263% 16264You may be sure that when a man begins to call himself a "realist," he 16265is preparing to do something he is secretly ashamed of doing. 16266 -- Sydney Harris 16267% 16268You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue -- agree with 16269him. 16270 -- Ed Howe 16271% 16272You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog. 16273 -- Alfred Kahn 16274% 16275You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for 16276success. You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits 16277or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume 16278party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World. 16279 -- Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success" 16280% 16281You might have mail 16282% 16283You might like to know that I looked at a detailed map of NT, and I'm 16284now able to confirm that in all probability Microsoft NT does not 16285exist. If it does, it's so small as to be completely insignificant. 16286 -- Greg Lehey 16287% 16288"You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable 16289proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do." 16290% 16291You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you'll 16292be dead. 16293% 16294You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a 16295reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating 16296the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for 16297independence. 16298 -- Charles A. Beard 16299% 16300You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the 16301beach. 16302% 16303You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were 16304you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare 16305yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the 16306company. 16307 -- J. Wellington Wells 16308% 16309You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained. 16310% 16311You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could 16312know how seldom they do. 16313 -- Olin Miller. 16314% 16315You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially 16316if they are dead. 16317% 16318You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than 16319about 10^12 to 1. 16320 -- Ernest Rutherford 16321% 16322You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for 16323freedom and liberty. 16324 -- Henrik Ibsen 16325% 16326You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that, 16327contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from 16328houses. Really, that's what scientists believe. In fact many 16329scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the 16330summer. If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day, 16331you'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist 16332sitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily. 16333 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" 16334% 16335You should tip the waiter $10, minus $2 if he tells you his name, 16336another $2 if he claims it will be His Pleasure to serve you and 16337another $2 for each "special" he describes involving confusing terms 16338such as "shallots," and $4 if the menu contains the word "fixin's." In 16339many restaurants, this means the waiter will actually owe you money. 16340If you are traveling with a child aged six months to three years, you 16341should leave an additional amount equal to twice the bill to compensate 16342for the fact that they will have to take the banquette out and burn it 16343because the cracks are wedged solid with gobbets made of partially 16344chewed former restaurant rolls saturated with baby spit. 16345 16346In New York, tip the taxicab driver $40 if he does not mention his 16347hemorrhoids. 16348 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" 16349% 16350"You should, without hesitation, pound your typewriter into a 16351plowshare, your paper into fertilizer, and enter agriculture." 16352 -- Business Professor, University of Georgia 16353% 16354You think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother. 16355% 16356You too can wear a nose mitten. 16357% 16358You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old. 16359% 16360You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of 16361a lion, and the face of Donald Duck. 16362% 16363You will be surprised by a loud noise. 16364% 16365You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself. 16366% 16367You will feel hungry again in another hour. 16368% 16369You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door 16370mayonnaise salesman. 16371% 16372You will think of something funnier than this to add to the fortunes. 16373% 16374You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You're not paid enough to 16375worry. 16376% 16377You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a 16378taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a 16379minute and a huff. 16380 -- Groucho Marx 16381% 16382"You'll never be the man your mother was!" 16383% 16384Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a 16385thing he tells you. 16386% 16387Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you 16388from enjoying it. 16389% 16390Your fault: core dumped 16391% 16392Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret. 16393% 16394Your lucky color has faded. 16395% 16396Your lucky number has been disconnected. 16397% 16398Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere. 16399% 16400Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with. 16401% 16402You're at the end of the road again. 16403% 16404You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days. 16405% 16406You're never too old to become younger. 16407 -- Mae West 16408% 16409You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. 16410 -- Dean Martin 16411% 16412You're not my type. For that matter, you're not even my species!!! 16413% 16414You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture. 16415% 16416"You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks." 16417 -- Gary Giddens 16418% 16419"You've got to think about tomorrow!" 16420 16421"TOMORROW! I haven't even prepared for *_________yesterday* yet!" 16422% 16423"Yow! Am I having fun yet?" 16424 -- Zippy the Pinhead 16425% 16426YOW!! Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL! 16427% 16428Zero Defects, n.: 16429 The result of shutting down a production line. 16430% 16431Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words 16432since I first called my brother's father dad. 16433 -- William Shakespeare, "King John" 16434% 16435Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor: 16436 People are always available for work in the past tense. 16437% 16438