1%% $FreeBSD: src/games/fortune/datfiles/limerick,v 1.3.2.1 2002/08/09 20:40:29 fanf Exp $ 2%% $DragonFly: src/games/fortune/datfiles/limerick,v 1.3 2007/05/13 18:33:55 swildner Exp $ 3A bad little girl in Madrid, 4A most reprehensible kid, 5 Told her Tante Louise 6 That her cunt smelled like cheese, 7And the worst of it was that it did! 8% 9A bather whose clothing was strewed 10By breezes that left her quite nude, 11 Saw a man come along 12 And, unless I'm quite wrong, 13You expected this line to be lewd. 14% 15A beat schizophrenic said, "Me? 16I am not I, I'm a tree." 17 But another, more sane, 18 Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!" 19And covered his pants leg with pee. 20% 21A beautiful belle of Del Norte 22Is reckoned disdainful and haughty 23 Because during the day 24 She says: "Boys, keep away!" 25But she fucks in the gloaming like forty. 26% 27A beautiful lady named Psyche 28Is loved by a fellow named Ikey. 29 One thing about Ike 30 The lady can't like 31Is his prick, which is dreadfully spikey. 32% 33A beetling young woman named Pridgets 34Had a violent abhorrence of midgets; 35 Off the end of a wharf 36 She once pushed a dwarf 37Whose truncation reduced her to fidgets. 38 -- Edward Gorey 39% 40A big-bosomed Bunny named Gression 41Sold cigars at a key-club concession. 42 When she swiveled about 43 Even strong men cried out, 44For her costume did not keep her flesh in. 45% 46A bobby of Nottingham Junction 47Whose organ had long ceased to function 48 Deceived his good wife 49 For the rest of her life 50With the aid of his constable's truncheon. 51% 52A broken-down harlot named Tupps 53Was heard to confess in her cups: 54 "The height of my folly 55 Was fucking a collie -- 56But I got a nice price for the pups." 57% 58A burlesque dancer, a pip 59Named Virginia, could peel in a zip; 60 But she read science fiction 61 And died of constriction 62Attempting a Moebius strip. 63 -- Cyril Kornbluth, "The Unfortunate Topology" 64% 65A busy young lady named Gloria 66Was had by Sir Gerald du Maurier 67 And then by six men, 68 Sir Gerald again, 69And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria. 70% 71A cabin boy on an old clipper 72Grew steadily flipper and flipper. 73 He plugged up his ass 74 With fragments of glass 75And thus circumcised his old skipper. 76% 77A cautious young fellow named Lodge 78Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge. 79 When his date was strapped in, 80 He committed a sin, 81Without even leaving his grodge. 82% 83A cautious young fellow named Lodge, 84Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge. 85 With his date all strapped in 86 He committed a sin 87Without even leaving the garage. 88 -- "A Boy and His Dog" 89% 90A cautious young fellow named Tunney 91Had a whang that was worth any money. 92 When eased in half-way, 93 The girl's sigh made him say, 94"Why the sigh?" "For the rest of it, honey." 95% 96A certain young man, it was noted, 97Went about in the heat thickly-coated; 98 He said, "You may scoff, 99 But I shan't take it off; 100Underneath I am horribly bloated." 101 -- Edward Gorey 102% 103A certain young person of Ghent, 104Uncertain if lady or gent, 105 Shows his organs at large 106 For a small handling charge 107To assist him in paying the rent. 108% 109A certain young sheik of Algiers 110Said to his harem, "My dears, 111 Though you may think it odd of me, 112 I'm tired of just sodomy 113Let's try straight fucking." (loud cheers!) 114% 115A chap down in Oklahoma 116Had a cock that could sing La Paloma, 117 But the sweetness of pitch 118 Couldn't put off the hitch 119Of impotence, size and aroma. 120% 121A charmer from old Amarillo, 122Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow, 123 Decided one day 124 That to keep men away 125She would stuff up her crevice with Brillo. 126% 127A chippy who worked in Black Bluff 128Had a pussy as large as a muff. 129 It had room for both hands 130 And some intimate glands, 131And was soft as a little duck's fluff. 132% 133A clerical student named Pryne 134Through pain sought to reach the divine: 135 He wore a hair shirt, 136 Quite often ate dirt, 137And bathed every Friday in brine. 138 -- Edward Gorey 139% 140A clever young man named Eugene 141Invented a jack-off machine. 142 On the twenty-third stroke 143 The fuckin' thing broke 144And beat both his balls to a creame. 145% 146A cocksucking steno named Beeman 147Remarked as she swallowed my semen: 148 "On my minuscule salary 149 I must watch every calorie, 150So I get `ahead' eating you he-men!" 151% 152A computer called Illiac4 153Had a rather tough bug in its core. 154 It chewed up its cards 155 And spewed yards and yards 156Of illegible tape on the floor. 157% 158A computer, to print out a fact, 159Will divide, multiply, and subtract. 160 But this output can be 161 No more than debris, 162If the input was short of exact. 163 -- Gigo 164% 165A contortionist hailing from Lynch 166Used to rent out his tool by the inch. 167 A foot cost a quid -- 168 He could and he did 169Stretch it to three in a pinch. 170% 171A corpulent maiden named Kroll 172Had a notion exceedingly droll: 173 At a masquerade ball, 174 Dressed in nothing at all, 175She backed in as a Parker House roll. 176% 177A couple was fishing near Clombe 178When the maid began looking quite glum, 179 And said, "Bother the fish! 180 I'd rather coish!" 181Which they did -- which was why they had come. 182% 183A cowhand way out in Seattle 184Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle. 185 He said, "No, I can't fuck 186 A lamb or a duck, 187But golly! it just fits the cattle." 188% 189A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison 190And had an affair with a Saracen. 191 She was not oversexed, 192 Or jealous or vexed, 193She just wanted to make a comparison. 194% 195A CS student named Lin 196Had a prick the size of a pin 197 It was no good for girls 198 But just great for squirrels 199Who squealed with delight with it in. 200% 201A cute little twerp from Samoa 202Had a cock of one inch and no moa. 203 It was good for keyholes 204 And debutantes' peeholes 205But not worth a damn on a whoa. 206% 207A daredevil skater named Lowe, 208Leaps barrels arranged in the snow, 209 But is proudest of doing, 210 Some incredible screwing, 211Since he's jumped thirteen girls in a row! 212% 213A deep-throated virgin named Netty 214Was sucking a cock on the jetty. 215 She said, "It tastes nice, 216 Much better than rice, 217Though not quite as good as spaghetti." 218% 219A delighted, incredulous bride 220Remarked to her groom at her side: 221 "I never could quite 222 Believe till tonight 223Our anatomies would coincide." 224% 225A dentist, young doctor Malone, 226Got a charming girl patient alone, 227 And, in his depravity, 228 Filled the wrong cavity. 229God, how his practice has grown. 230% 231A despairing old landlord named Fyfe, 232With a frigid and quarrelsome wife, 233 Let his third-story front, 234 To a willing young cunt, 235Who supplied him a new lease on life! 236% 237A desperate spinster from Clare 238Once knelt in the moonlight all bare, 239 And prayed to her God 240 For a romp on the sod-- 241'Twas a passerby answered her prayer. 242% 243A distinguished professor from Swarthmore 244Got along with a sexy young sophomore. 245 As quick as a glance 246 He stripped off his pants, 247But he found that the sophomore'd got off more. 248% 249A doctoral student from Buckingham 250Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em. 251 But a dropout from paree 252 Taught him Gamahuchee 253So he added a footnote on sucking 'em. 254% 255A do-it-yourselfer named Alice, 256Used a dynamite stick for a phallus. 257 She blew her vagina 258 To South Carolina, 259And her tits landed somewhere in Dallas. 260 261A cute friend of hers, Fanny Hill, 262Used two dynamite sticks for a dil. 263 They found her vagina, 264 In South Carolina, 265And part of her ass in Brazil. 266% 267A dolly in Dallas named Alice, 268Whose overworked sex is all callous, 269 Wore the foreskin away 270 On uncircumcised Ray, 271Through exuberance, tightness, and malice. 272% 273A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis 274Wished to foster an aura of menace. 275 To make people afraid 276 He wore gloves of grey suede 277And white footgear intended for tennis. 278 -- Edward Gorey, "Amphigorey" 279% 280A dulcet-voiced callgirl named Shedd, 281Who's cultured, well-spoken, well-bred, 282 Had achieved some reknown 283 For her tone going down-- 284There's a nice civil tongue in her head. 285% 286A fair-haired young damsel named Grace 287Thought it very, very foolish to place 288 Her hand on your cock 289 When it turned hard as rock, 290For fear it would explode in your face. 291% 292A farmer I know named O'Doole 293Had a long and incredible tool. 294 He can use it to plow, 295 Or to diddle a cow, 296Or just as a cue-stick at pool. 297% 298A fellatrix's healthful condition 299Proved the value of spunk as nutrition. 300 Her remarkable diet 301 (I suggest that you try it) 302Was only her clients' emission. 303% 304A fellow whose surname was Hunt 305Trained his cock to perform a slick stunt: 306 This versatile spout 307 Could be turned inside out, 308Like a glove, and be used as a cunt. 309% 310A fisherman off of Cape Cod 311Said, "I'll bugger that tuna, by God!" 312 But the high-minded fish 313 Resented his wish, 314And nimbly swam off with his rod. 315% 316A foolish geologist from Kissen 317Just didn't know what he was missin', 318 By studying rock 319 And neglecting his cock, 320And using it merely for pissin'. 321% 322A Frenchman who lived in Alsace 323Had sex with a virgin named Grace. 324 When he popped her cherry, 325 She made things hairy 326By bleeding all over his face. 327% 328A frustrated lady named Alice 329Used a dynamite stick for a phallus. 330 They found her vagina 331 In North Carolina 332And bits of her tits were in Dallas. 333% 334A gay young prince from Morocco 335Made love in a manner rococco. 336 He painted his penis 337 To resemble a venus 338And flavored his semen with cocoa. 339% 340A geneticist living in Delft 341Scientifically played with himself, 342 And when he was done 343 He labeled it: son, 344And filed him away on a shelf. 345% 346A gentleman, otherwise meek, 347Detested with passion the leek; 348 When offered one out 349 He dealt such a clout 350To the maid, she was down for a week. 351 -- Edward Gorey 352% 353A german composer named Bruckner 354Remarked to a lady while fuckener: 355 "Less lento, my dear, 356 With your cute little rear; 357I like a hot presto when muckener!" 358% 359A gift was delivered to Laura 360From a cousin who lived in Gomorrah; 361 Wrapped in tissue and crepe, 362 It was peeled, like a grape, 363And emitted a pale, greenish aura. 364 -- Edward Gorey 365% 366A gifted young fellow from Sparta 367Was widely renowned as a farta'. 368 He could fart anything 369 From "Of Thee I Sing," 370To Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata." 371% 372A girl camper once had an affair 373With a fellow all covered with hair. 374 When she gave him his hat 375 She realized that 376She'd been had by Smokey the Bear. 377% 378A girl of the Enterprise crew 379Refused every offer to screw. 380 But a Vulcan named Spock 381 Crawled under her smock, 382And now she is eating for two. 383% 384A girl of uncertain nativity 385Had an ass of extreme sensitivity 386 While she sat on the lap 387 Of a German or Jap, 388She could sense Fifth Column activity. 389% 390A graduate student named Zac 391Was said to be great in the sack. 392 An inch of his boner 393 Put girls in a coma 394And two gave them epileptic attacks. 395% 396A greedy young lady from Sidney 397Liked it in up to her kidney, 398 Till a man from Quebec 399 Shoved it up to her neck-- 400He really diddled her, didn' he? 401% 402A green-thumbed young farmer from Leeds 403Once swallowed a package of seeds. 404 In a month, his ass 405 Was covered with grass 406And his balls were grown over with weeds. 407% 408A guest in a household quite charmless 409Was informed its eccentric was harmless: 410 "If you're caught unawares 411 At the head of the stairs, 412Just remember, he's eyeless and armless." 413 -- Edward Gorey 414% 415A habit depraved and unsavory 416Held the bishop of Bingham in slavery 417 Midst screeches and howls 418 He deflowered young owls 419Which he kept in an underground aviary 420% 421A habit obscene and bizarre, 422Has taken a-hold of papa. 423 He brings home young camels 424 And other odd mammals, 425And gives them a go at mama. 426% 427A habit obscene and unsavory, 428Holds a CS professor in slavery. 429 With maniacal howls, 430 He deflowers young owls, 431That he keeps in an underground aviary. 432% 433A hacker who screwed a mag tape 434Was caught and convicted of rape. 435 To jail he did go, 436 From which, to his woe 437He couldn't get out with ESC. 438% 439A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk 440Made love to the drive of his disk. 441 The thing circumsized him, 442 Which rather surprised him. 443He wasn't aware of *that* risk. 444% 445A handsome young rodent named Gratian 446As a lifeguard became a sensation. 447 All the lady mice waved 448 And screamed to be saved 449By his mouse-to-mouse resuscitation. 450% 451A happy old hooker named Grace 452Once sponsored a cunt-lapping race. 453 It was hard for beginners 454 To tell who were winners: 455There were cunt hairs all over the place. 456% 457A hardware debugger named Court 458Shoved his tool in an Ethernet port. 459 But its buffer array 460 Only handled 1K, 461So the port's driver cut it off short. 462% 463A haughty young wench of Del Norte 464Would fuck only men over forty. 465 Said she, "It's too quick 466 With a young fellow's prick; 467I like it to last, and be warty." 468% 469A headstrong young woman in Ealing 470Threw her two weeks' old child at the ceiling; 471 When quizzed why she did, 472 She replied, "To be rid 473Of a strange, overpowering feeling." 474 -- Edward Gorey 475% 476A hearty young fellow named Yost 477Once had an affair with a ghost. 478 At the height of the spasm 479 The poor ectoplasm 480Cried, "Goodie, I feel it... almost." 481% 482A hidebound young virgin named Carrie 483Would say, when the fellows got hairy: 484 "Keep your prick in your pants 485 Till the end of this dance--" 486Which is why Carrie still has her cherry. 487% 488A highly aesthetic young Jew 489Had eyes of a heavenly blue; 490 The end of his dillie 491 Was shaped like a lilly, 492And his balls were too utterly two! 493% 494A highway patrol buff named Claire, 495Once screwed half a troop on a dare, 496 And her parts grew so hot, 497 There was steam on her twat, 498So they nicknamed her Smokey the Bare! 499% 500A horny young fellow named Reg, 501Was jerking off under a hedge. 502 The gardener drew near 503 With a huge pruning shear, 504And trimmed off the edge of his wedge. 505% 506A huge-organed female in Dallas, 507Named Alice, who yearned for a phallus, 508 Was virgo intacto, 509 Because, ipso facto, 510No phallus in Dallas fit Alice. 511% 512A joker who haunts Monticello 513Is really a terrible fellow. 514 In the midst of caresses 515 He fills ladies dresses 516With garter snakes, ice cubes, and jello. 517% 518A lacklustre lady of Brougham 519Weaveth all night at her loom. 520 Anon she doth blench 521 When her lord and his wench 522Pull a chain in the neighbouring room. 523% 524A lad, at his first copulation, 525Cried, "What a sensation! Inflation, 526 Gyration, elation 527 Throughout the duration, 528I guess I'll give up masturbation." 529% 530A lad from far-off Transvaal 531Was lustful, but tactful withal. 532 He'd say, just for luck, 533 "Mam'selle, do you fuck?" 534But he'd bow till he almost would crawl. 535% 536A lad of the brainier kind 537Had erogenous zones in his mind. 538 He got his sensations, 539 By solving equations, 540(Of course, in the end, he went blind.) 541% 542A lady born under a curse 543Used to drive forth each day in a hearse; 544 From the back she would wail 545 Through a thickness of veil: 546"Things do not get better, but worse." 547 -- Edward Gorey 548% 549A lady both callous and brash 550Met a man with a vast black moustache; 551 She cried, "Shave it, O do! 552 And I'll put it with glue 553On my hat as a sort of panache." 554 -- Edward Gorey 555% 556A lady from Kalamazoo 557Once found she had nothing to do, 558 So she sat on the stairs 559 And she counted her hairs: 5604,302. 561% 562A lady from Old Little Rock 563In fidelity took little stock, 564 And deserted her man 565 In the streets of Japan 566For a boy with a prehensile cock. 567% 568A lady removing her scanties, 569Heard them crackle electrical chanties. 570 Said her beau, "Have no fear, 571 For the reason is clear: 572You simply have amps in your panties. 573% 574A lady stockholder quite hetera 575Decided her fortune to bettera: 576 On the floor, quite unclad, 577 She successively had 578Merrill Lynch, Pierce, Fenner, et cetera... 579% 580A lady was seized with intent 581To revise her existence misspent. 582 So she climbed up the dome 583 Of St. Peter's in Rome, 584Where she stayed through the following Lent. 585 -- Edward Gorey 586% 587A lady while dining at Crewe 588Found an elephant's whang in her stew. 589 Said the waiter, "Don't shout, 590 And don't wave it about, 591Or the others will all want one too." 592% 593A lady who signs herself "Vexed" 594Writes to say she believes she's been hexed: 595 "I don't mind my shins 596 Being stuck full of pins, 597But I fear I am coming unsexed." 598 -- Edward Gorey 599% 600A lady with features cherubic 601Was famed for her area pubic. 602 When they asked her its size 603 She replied in surprise, 604"Are you speaking of square feet, or cubic?" 605% 606A lass at the foot of her class 607Asked a brainier chick how to pass. 608 She replied, "With no fuss 609 You can get a B-plus, 610By letting the prof pat your ass." 611% 612A lecherous barkeep named Dale, 613After fucking his favorite female, 614 Mixed Drambuie and scotch 615 With the cream in her crotch 616For a lustier, Rusty-er Nail. 617% 618A licentious old justice of Salem 619Used to catch all the harlots and jail 'em. 620 But instead of a fine 621 He would stand them in line, 622With his common-law tool to impale 'em. 623% 624A limerick packs laughs anatomical 625Into space that is quite economical. 626 But the good ones I've seen 627 So seldom are clean, 628And the clean ones so seldom are comical. 629% 630A linguist thought it a farce 631That memory space was so sparse. 632 One day they increased it. 633 Said he as he seized it: 634"At last! Enough core for the parse". 635% 636A lonely young lad of Eton 637Used always to sleep with the heat on, 638 Till he ran into a lass 639 Who showed him her ass -- 640Now they sleep with only a sheet on. 641% 642A lovely young diver named Nancy, 643Wore a bikini bottom quite chancy, 644 The fish of Bonaire, 645 Watched her Derriere, 646And the sea fans all tickled her fancy. 647% 648A lovely young maid from St. Jude 649Once rode through the streets in the nude. 650 The police cried, "Whatam-- 651 Agnificent bottom" 652And slapped it as hard as they could. 653% 654A lusty young maid from Seattle 655Got pleasure by sleeping with cattle; 656 Till she found a bull 657 Who filled her so full 658It made both her ovaries rattle. 659% 660A lusty young woodsman of Maine 661For years with no woman had lain, 662 But he found sublimation 663 At a high elevation 664In the crotch of a pine -- God, the pain! 665% 666A madam who ran a bordello 667Put come in her pineapple jello, 668 For the rich, sexy taste 669 And not wanting to waste 670That greasy kid stuff from a fellow. 671% 672A maestro directing in Rome 673Had a quaint way of driving it home. 674 Whoever he climbed 675 Had to keep her tail timed 676To the beat of his old metronome. 677% 678A maiden who lived in Virginny 679Had a cunt that could bark, neigh and whinny. 680 The horsey set rushed her, 681 But success finally crushed her 682For her tone soon became harsh and tinny. 683% 684A maiden who travelled in France 685Once got on a train, just by chance. 686 The engineer fucked her, 687 The conductor sucked her, 688And the fireman came in his pants. 689% 690A maiden who wrote of big cities 691Some songs full of love, fun and pities, 692 Sold her stuff at the shop 693 Of a musical wop 694Who played with her soft little titties. 695% 696A man was once heard to boast, 697That he received a parcel by post, 698 It contained, so we heard, 699 A magnificent turd, 700And the balls of his grandfather's ghost. 701% 702A marine being sent to Hong Kong 703Got a doctor to alter his dong. 704 He sailed off with a tool 705 Flat and thin as a rule - 706When he got there he found he was wrong. 707% 708A mathematician named Hall 709Had a hexahedronical ball, 710 And the square of its weight 711 Times his pecker's, plus eight, 712Was four-fifths of five-eighths of fuck-all. 713% 714A mathematician named Hall 715Has a hexahedronical ball, 716 And the cube of its weight 717 Times his pecker's, plus eight 718Is his phone number -- give him a call... 719% 720A mathematician named Klein 721Thought the Moebius band was divine. 722 Said he, "If you glue 723 The edges of two, 724You'll get a weird bottle like mine! 725% 726A middle-aged codger named Bruin 727Found his love life completely in ruin, 728 For he flirted with flirts 729 Wearing pants and no skirts, 730And he never got in for no screwin'. 731% 732A milkmaid there was, with a stutter, 733Who was lonely and wanted a futter. 734 She had nowhere to turn, 735 So she diddled a churn, 736And managed to come with the butter. 737% 738A mortician who practised in Fife 739Made love to the corpse of his wife. 740 "How could I know, Judge? 741 She was cold, did not budge-- 742Just the same as she'd acted in life." 743% 744A nasty old drunk in Carmel 745Thinks it funny to piss in the well. 746 He says, "Some don't favor 747 That unusual flavor, 748But I don't drink the stuff -- what the hell!" 749% 750A nervous young fellow named Fred 751Took a charming young widow to bed. 752 When he'd diddled a while 753 She remarked with a smile, 754"You've got it all in but the head." 755% 756A new dramatist of the absurd 757Has a voice that will shortly be heard. 758 I learn from my spies 759 He's about to devise 760An unprintable three-letter word. 761% 762A newlywed couple from Goshen 763Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean. 764 In twenty-eight days 765 They got laid eighty ways -- 766Imagine such fucking devotion! 767% 768A newly-wed man of Peru 769Found himself in a terrible stew: 770 His wife was in bed 771 Much deader than dead, 772And so he had no one to screw. 773% 774A notorious whore named Ms. Hearst, 775In the pleasures of men was well-versed. 776 Reads the sign o'er the head 777 Of her well-rumpled bed 778"The customer always comes first." 779% 780A novice was told by the Abbot: 781"Consider the goat and the rabbit. 782 While they roll in the hay 783 You just stay home and pray. 784You've got to get out of that habit." 785% 786A nudist resort at Benares 787Took a midget in all unawares. 788 But he made members weep 789 For he just couldn't keep 790His nose out of private affairs. 791% 792A nurse motivated by spite 793Tied her infantine charge to a kite; 794 She launched it with ease 795 On the afternoon breeze, 796And watched till it flew out of sight. 797 -- Edward Gorey 798% 799A pansy who lived in Khartoum 800Took a lesbian up to his room. 801 They argued all night 802 Over who had the right 803To do what, with which, and to whom. 804% 805A passionate red-haired girl 806When you kissed her, her senses would whirl, 807 And her twat would get wet, 808 And would wiggle and fret, 809And her cunt-lips would curl and unfurl. 810% 811A pathetic old maid of Bordeaux 812Fell in love with a dashing young beau. 813 To arrest his regard 814 She would squat in his yard 815And longingly pee in the sneaux. 816% 817A petulant man once said, "Pish, 818Your cunt is as big as a dish." 819 She replied, "Why, you fool, 820 With your limp little tool, 821It's like driving a pin with a fish." 822% 823A physical fellow named Fisk 824Could screw at a rate very brisk. 825 So fast was his action 826 The Fitzgerald contraction 827Would shrink up his rod to a disk. 828% 829A pious old woman named Tweak 830Had taught her vagina to speak. 831 It was frequently liable 832 To quote from the Bible, 833But when fucking -- not even a squeak! 834% 835A pious young lady named Finnegan 836Would caution her friend, "Well, you're in again; 837 So time it aright, 838 Make it last through the night, 839For I certainly don't want to sin again!" 840% 841A pious young lady of Chichester 842Made all of the saints in their niches stir 843 And each morning at matin 844 Her breast in pink satin 845Made the bishop of Chichester's breeches stir. 846% 847A playful young chemist named Byrd 848Had an urge that could not be deferred. 849 So to irritate Knox 850 He shit in his sox, 851And plastered the walls with his turd. 852% 853A plumber whose name was John Brink 854Plumbed the cook as she bent o'er the sink. 855 Her resistance was stout, 856 And John Brink petered out, 857With his pipe-wrench all limber and pink. 858% 859A potter who lived in Bombay 860Once fashioned a cunt out of clay; 861 But the heat of his prick 862 Kilned the damn thing to brick 863And chafed all his foreskin away. 864% 865A pretty wife living in Tours 866Demanded her daily amour. 867 But the husband said, "No! 868 It's to much. Let it go! 869My backsides are dragging the floor." 870% 871A pretty young boy known as Kevin 872Was raped in a pasture by seven 873 Lascivious beasts 874 (Oh, those Anglican priests) 875And such is the Kingdom of Heaven. 876% 877A pretty young lady named Vogel 878Once sat herself down on a molehill. 879 A curious mole 880 Nosed into her hole -- 881Ms. Vogel's okay, but the mole's ill. 882% 883A pretty young maiden from France 884Decided she'd "just take a chance." 885 She let herself go 886 For an hour or so, 887And now all her sisters are aunts. 888% 889A princess who lived near a bog 890Met a prince in the form of a frog. 891 Now she and her prince 892 Are the parents of quints, 893Four boys and one fine polliwog. 894% 895A princess who reigned in Baroda 896Made her home on a purple pagoda. 897 She festooned the walls 898 Of her halls with the balls 899And the tools of the fools who be-stroda'. 900% 901A programmer down in Moline 902Said, I'm the match for any machine. 903 My secret's aversion, 904 To loops and recursion, 905Just acres of in-line routine. 906 -- W. J. Wilson 907% 908A progressive professor named Winners 909Held classes each evening for sinners. 910 They were graded and spaced 911 So the vile and debased 912Would not be held back by beginners. 913% 914A rapist who reeked of cheap booze 915Attempted to ravish Miss Hughes. 916 She cried, "I suppose 917 There's no time for my clothes, 918But PLEASE let me take off my shoes!" 919% 920A rapturous young fellatrix 921One day was at work on five pricks. 922 With an unholy cry 923 She whipped out her glass eye: 924"Tell the boys I can now take on six." 925% 926A reckless young lady of France 927Had no qualms about taking a chance, 928 But she thought it was crude 929 To get screwed in the nude, 930So she always went home with damp pants. 931% 932A remarkable race are the Persians; 933They have such peculiar diversions. 934 They make love the whole day 935 In the usual way 936And save up the nights for perversions. 937% 938A remarkable race are the Persians, 939They have such peculiar diversions. 940 They screw the whole day 941 In the regular way, 942And save up the nights for perversions. 943% 944A responsive young girl from the East 945In bed was an able artiste. 946 She had learned two positions 947 From family physicians, 948And ten more from the old parish priest. 949% 950A romantic attraction has clung 951To a chap of whom damsels have sung: 952 "'Tis the Scourge from the East, 953 That lascivious beast 954Who was known as Attila the Hung!" 955% 956A sailor who slept in the sun, 957Woke to find his fly buttons undone, 958 He remarked with a smile, 959 "Good grief, a sun-dial! 960And now it's a quarter-past one." 961% 962A savvy young hooker named Gail 963Got busted and lodged in the jail. 964 But the jailer got hot, 965 To be lodged in her twat, 966And so Gail made the bail with her tail. 967% 968A scandal involving an oyster 969Sent the Countess of Clews to a cloister 970 She preferred it, in bed, 971 To the count (so she said) 972'Cause it's longer and stronger and moister. 973% 974A scream from the crypt of St. Giles 975Resounded for miles upon miles. 976 Said the friar, "Good gracious, 977 The brother Ignatious 978Forgeteth the abbot hath piles." 979% 980A seafaring hacker named Slatey 981Went to bed with a VAX/780. 982 The thing's learned to swear 983 With a nautical air, 984And refers to its users as "matey". 985% 986A sex-loving coed named Bree 987Caught the clap from her Apple IIE. 988 The joystick, she found, 989 Had been fooling around 990With a neighboring student's PC. 991% 992A silly young man from Hong Kong 993Had hands that were skinny and long. 994 He ate rice with his fingers-- 995 The taste of it lingers, 996But now all his fingers are gone. 997% 998A slick talking pirate named Bruce 999To steal code, had a plan to seduce 1000 An Apple II+. 1001 Now Bruce wears a truss 1002And was jailed for computer abuse. 1003% 1004A software technician from Digital 1005Had hardware extremely prodigical. 1006 It's rumoured, I hear, 1007 That when he was near 1008He made the ladies all flustered and fidgital. 1009% 1010A space shuttle pilot named Ventry, 1011Made love to a lovely girl sentry. 1012 She started to pout, 1013 Because it fell out, 1014But the mission was saved by re-entry. 1015% 1016A sperm faced, alack and forsooth, 1017His moment of sexual truth. 1018 He'd expected to fall 1019 On a womb's spongy wall 1020But was dashed to his death on a tooth. 1021% 1022A spinster in Kalamazoo 1023Once strolled after dark by the zoo. 1024 She was seized by the nape, 1025 And fucked by an ape, 1026And she murmured, "A wonderful screw." 1027 1028And she added, "You're rough, yes, and hairy, 1029But I hope -- yes I do -- that I marry 1030 A man with a prick 1031 Half as stiff and as thick 1032As the kind that you zoo-keepers carry." 1033% 1034A spunky young schoolboy named Fred 1035Used to toss off each night while in bed. 1036 Said his mother, "Dear lad, 1037 That's exceedingly bad-- 1038Jump in here with your mama instead." 1039% 1040A starship commander named Kirk 1041Emerged from his cabin berserk. 1042 He grabbed a girl yeoman 1043 Beneath the abdomen, 1044And gave her a physical jerk. 1045% 1046A stout Gaelic warrior, McPherson, 1047Was having a captive, a person 1048 Who was not averse 1049 Though she had the curse, 1050And he'd breeches of bristling furs on. 1051% 1052A structured programmer named Drew 1053Was intensely turned on by "goto". 1054 When he saw it in code 1055 He'd shoot off his load. 1056It's a good thing his shop used so few. 1057% 1058A studious professor named Nestor 1059Bet a whore all his books that he could best her. 1060 But she drained out his balls 1061 And skipped up the walls, 1062Beseeching poor Nestor to rest her. 1063% 1064A sweetheart named Teresa Arden 1065Went down on her beau in the garden. 1066 He said, "Good lord, Tess, 1067 Don't swallow that mess!" 1068And she replied, "Ulp, beg your pardon?" 1069% 1070A systems programmer named Sprotic 1071Found his software intensely erotic. 1072 In jealous distress 1073 He wiped his OS. 1074It's possible that he's psychotic. 1075% 1076A talented fuckstress, Miss Chisholm, 1077Was renowned for her fine paroxysm. 1078 While the man detumesced 1079 She still spent on with zest, 1080Her rapture sheer anachronism. 1081% 1082A talented girl from Detroit 1083Could fuck you in ways quite adroit. 1084 She could squeeze her vagina 1085 To a pin-point or finer 1086Or open it out like a quoit. 1087% 1088A team playing baseball in Dallas 1089Called the umpire blind out of malice. 1090 While this worthy had fits 1091 The team made eight hits 1092And a girl in the bleachers named Alice. 1093% 1094A teenage protester named Lil 1095Cried, "Those watergate spies make me ill 1096 First they bugged our martinis, 1097 Our bras and bikinis, 1098And now they are bugging the pill." 1099% 1100A thrice-married gal from L.A. 1101Said, "My hymen's intact to this day, 1102 'Cause my first (a shrink) talked of it, 1103 The voyeur only gawked at it, 1104And my most recent man's a gourmet." 1105% 1106A tidy young lady of Streator 1107Dearly loved to nibble a peter. 1108 She always would say, 1109 "I prefer it this way. 1110I think it is very much neater." 1111% 1112A timid young woman named Jane 1113Found parties a terrible strain; 1114 With movements uncertain 1115 She'd hide in a curtain 1116And make sounds like a rabbit in pain. 1117 -- Edward Gorey 1118% 1119A tired young trollop of Nome 1120Was worn out from her toes to her dome. 1121 Eight miners came screwing, 1122 But she said, "Nothing doing; 1123One of you has to go home!" 1124% 1125A trapper named Francois Lefebrve 1126Once captured and buggered a beabrve. 1127 The result of this fuck 1128 Was a three titted duck, 1129A canoe, and an Irish retriebrve. 1130% 1131A tutor who tooted a flute 1132Tried to tutor two tutors to toot 1133 Said the two to the tutor: 1134 "Is it harder to toot or 1135To tutor two tutors to toot" 1136% 1137A vengeful technician named Schmitz 1138Caused a disk drive to go on the fritz. 1139 He covered the platter 1140 With bats' fecal matter. 1141Now it's seek time is really the pits. 1142% 1143A very intelligent turtle 1144Found programming UNIX a hurdle 1145 The system, you see, 1146 Ran as slow as did he, 1147And that's not saying much for the turtle. 1148% 1149A very odd pair are the Pitts: 1150His balls are as large as her tits, 1151 Her tits are as large 1152 As an invasion barge-- 1153Neither knows how the other cohabits. 1154% 1155A wanton young lady from Wimley 1156Reproached for not acting quite primly 1157 Said, "Heavens above! 1158 I know sex isn't love, 1159But it's such an entrancing facsimile." 1160% 1161A water pipe suited Miss Hunt; 1162She used it for many a bunt. 1163 But the unlucky wench 1164 Got it caught in her trench --- 1165It took twenty-two men and a big Stillson wrench, 1166To get the thing out of her cunt. 1167% 1168A weary old lecher named Blott 1169Took a luscious young blond to his yacht. 1170 Too lazy to rape her, 1171 He made darts out of paper, 1172Which he leisurely tossed at her twat. 1173% 1174A whimsical fellow named Bloch 1175Could beat the base drum with his cock. 1176 With a special erection 1177 He could play a selection 1178From Johann Sebastian Bach. 1179% 1180A wicked stone cutter named Cary 1181Drilled holes in divine statuary. 1182 With eyes full of malice 1183 He pulled out his phallus, 1184And buggered a stone Virgin Mary. 1185% 1186A wide-bottomed girl named Trasket 1187Had a hole as big as a basket. 1188 A spot, as a bride, 1189 In it now, you could hide, 1190And include with your luggage your mascot. 1191% 1192A widow whose singular vice 1193Was to keep her late husband on ice 1194 Said, "It's been hard since I lost him -- 1195 I'll never defrost him! 1196Cold comfort, but cheap at the price." 1197% 1198A wonderful bird is the pelican. 1199His mouth can hold more than his belican. 1200 He can take in his beak 1201 Enough food for a week. 1202And I'm darned if I know how the helican. 1203% 1204A wonderful tribe are the Sweenies, 1205Renowned for the length of their peenies. 1206 The hair on their balls 1207 Sweeps the floors of their halls, 1208But they don't look at women, the meanies. 1209% 1210A wood-fetish busboy named Gable 1211Is rapid, is thorough, is able; 1212 But when everything's cleared, 1213 He gives way to the weird, 1214As he lovingly busses each table. 1215% 1216A worn-out young husband named Lehr 1217Heard daily his wife's plaintive prayer: 1218 "Slip on a sheath, quick, 1219 Then slip your big dick 1220Between these lips covered with hair." 1221% 1222A worried young man from Stamboul 1223Discovered red spots on his tool. 1224 Said the doctor, a cynic, 1225 "Get out of my clinic 1226Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool." 1227% 1228A young bride and groom of Australia 1229Remarked as they joined genitalia: 1230 "Though the system seems odd, 1231 We are thankful that God 1232Developed the genus Mammalia." 1233% 1234A young fellow discovered through Freud 1235That although of penis devoid, 1236 He could practice coitus 1237 By eating a foetus, 1238And his parents were quite overjoyed. 1239% 1240A young Juliet of St. Louis 1241On a balcony stood acting screwy. 1242 Her Romeo climbed, 1243 But he wasn't well timed, 1244And half-way up, off he went -- blooey! 1245% 1246A young lad named Lester McGraw 1247Caught a stranger on top of his Maw. 1248 As he watched him stick her 1249 He said, with a snicker, 1250"You do it much faster than Paw." 1251% 1252A young lady sat by the sea, 1253Just as proper as proper could be. 1254 A young fellow goosed her, 1255 And roughly seduced her, 1256So she thanked him and went home to tea. 1257% 1258A young lady who lived by the Usk 1259Subsisted each day on a rusk; 1260 She ate the first bite 1261 Before it was light, 1262And the last crumb sometime after dusk. 1263 -- Edward Gorey 1264% 1265A young lass got married at Chester; 1266Her mother she kissed and she blessed her. 1267 Said she, "You're in luck -- 1268 'E's a stunning good fuck, 1269For I've 'ad 'im meself down in Leicester." 1270% 1271A young maiden from France was no prude, 1272She decided to dive in the nude, 1273 But her buddy, behind, 1274 Went out of his mind, 1275When he noticed where she was tattooed. 1276% 1277A young man by a girl was desired 1278To give her the thrills she required, 1279 But he died of old age 1280 Ere his cock could assuage 1281The volcanic desire it inspired. 1282% 1283A young man from the banks of the Po 1284Found his cock had elongated so, 1285 That when he'd pee 1286 It was never he 1287But only his neighbors who'd know. 1288% 1289A young man grew increasingly peaky 1290In a house where the hinges were squeaky, 1291 The ferns curled up brown, 1292 The ceilings flaked down, 1293And all of the faucets were leaky. 1294 -- Edward Gorey 1295% 1296A young man maintained that his trigger 1297Was so big that there weren't any bigger. 1298 But this long and thick pud 1299 Was so heavy it could 1300Scarcely lift up its head. It lacked vigor. 1301% 1302A young man of acumen and daring, 1303Who'd amassed a great fortune in herring, 1304 Was left quite alone 1305 When it soon became known 1306That their use at his board was unsparing. 1307 -- Edward Gorey 1308% 1309A young man of Llanfairpwllgwyngyll 1310While bent over plucking a dingle 1311 Had the whole of Eisteddfod 1312 Taking turns at his pod 1313While they sang some impossible jingle. 1314% 1315A young man with passions quite gingery 1316Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie. 1317 He slapped her behind 1318 And made up his mind 1319To add incest to insult and injury. 1320% 1321A young polo-player of Berkeley 1322Made love to his sweetheart berserkly. 1323 In the midst of each chukker 1324 He would break off and fuck her 1325Horizontally, laterally and verkeley. 1326% 1327A young systems programmer of Sprotic 1328Found his software intensely erotic. 1329 In jealous distress 1330 He wiped his OS. 1331It's possible that he's a psychotic. 1332% 1333A young violinist from Rio 1334Was seducing a woman named Cleo. 1335 As she took down her panties 1336 She said, "No andantes; 1337I want this allegro con brio!" 1338% 1339A young wife in the outskirts of Reims 1340Preferred frigging to going to mass. 1341 Said her husband, "Take Jacques, 1342 Or any young cock, 1343For I cannot live up to your ass." 1344% 1345A young woman got married at Chester, 1346Her mother she kissed her and blessed her. 1347 Says she, "You're in luck, 1348 He's a stunning good fuck, 1349For I've had him myself down in Leicester." 1350% 1351According to experts, the oyster 1352In its shell - a crustacean cloister - 1353 May frequently be 1354 Either he or a she 1355Or both, if it should be its choice ter. 1356% 1357Alas for the Countess d'Isere, 1358Whose muff wasn't furnished with hair. 1359 Said the Count, "Quelle surprise!" 1360 When he parted her thighs; 1361"Magnifique! Pourtant pas de la guerre." 1362% 1363All the female apes ran from King Kong 1364For his dong was unspeakably long. 1365 But a friendly giraffe 1366 Quaffed his yard and a half, 1367And ecstatically burst into song. 1368% 1369An aesthete from South Carolina 1370Had a cock that tickled like China, 1371 But while shooting his load 1372 It cracked like old Spode, 1373So he's bought him a Steuben vagina. 1374% 1375An agreeable girl named Miss Doves 1376Likes to jack off the young men she loves. 1377 She will use her bare fist 1378 If the fellows insist 1379But she really prefers to wear gloves. 1380% 1381An AI researcher named Bluth 1382Wrote, to find out the sexual truth, 1383 Eroticon VI, 1384 Which he taught certain tricks 1385Which I'm sure can't be found in Knuth. 1386% 1387An amazon giantess named Dunne 1388Let a midget screw her for fun. 1389 But the poor little runt 1390 Was engulfed in her cunt 1391And re-born as the twin of his son. 1392% 1393An ambitious lady named Harriet 1394Once dreamed she was raped in a chariot 1395 By seventeen sailors 1396 A monk and three tailors, 1397Mohammed and Judas Iscariot. 1398% 1399An anonymous woman we knew 1400Was dozing one day in her pew; 1401 When the preacher yelled "Sin!" 1402 She said, "Count me in 1403As soon as the service is through." 1404% 1405An architect fellow named Yoric 1406Could, when feeling euphoric, 1407 Display for selection 1408 Three kinds of erection- 1409Corinthian, ionic, and doric. 1410% 1411An ardent young man named Magruder 1412Once wooed a girl nude in Bermuda. 1413 She thought it quite lewd 1414 To be wooed in the nude, 1415But Magruder was shrewder, he screwed her. 1416% 1417An Argentine gaucho named Bruno 1418Who said, "Fucking is one thing I do know. 1419 Women are fine 1420 And sheep are divine 1421But llamas are numero uno." 1422% 1423An ARPAnaut name of Corvette 1424Had a fetish involving the net. 1425 As he fondled his IMP 1426 His cock went from limp 1427To as hard as concrete which has set. 1428% 1429An arrogant wench from Salt Lake 1430Liked to tease all the boys on the make. 1431 She was finally the prize 1432 Of a man twice her size 1433And all she recalls is the ache. 1434% 1435An artist who lived in Australia 1436Once painted his ass like a Dahlia. 1437 The drawing was fine, 1438 The colour - divine, 1439The scent - ah, that was a failia. 1440% 1441An eager young hacker named Gus 1442Once buggered a VAX Unibus. 1443 The hardware went bad, 1444 But not the young lad 1445(Except for the toupee and truss). 1446% 1447An eager young hacker named Gus 1448Once buggered a VAX Unibus. 1449 The hardware went bad, 1450 But not the young lad 1451He didn't expect all that fuss! 1452% 1453An Edwardian father named Udgeon, 1454Whose offspring provoked him to dudgeon, 1455 Used on Saturday nights 1456 To turn down the lights, 1457And chase them around with a bludgeon. 1458 -- Edward Gorey 1459% 1460An envious girl named McMeanus 1461Was jealous of her lover's big penis. 1462 It was small consolation 1463 That the rest of the nation 1464Of women were with her in weeness. 1465% 1466An exotic young lady named Suki 1467Once danced in a troupe of kabuki 1468 When asked for a fuck 1469 She said, "Solly, no luck-- 1470See here: looky looky, no nuki " 1471% 1472An impish young fellow named James 1473Had a passion for idiot games. 1474 He lighted the hair 1475 Of his lady's affair 1476And laughed as she pissed through the flames. 1477% 1478An impotent Scot named MacDougall 1479Had to husband his sperm and be frugal. 1480 He was gathering semen 1481 To gender a he-man, 1482By screwing his wife through a bugle. 1483% 1484An incautious young woman named Venn 1485Was seen with the wrong sort of men; 1486 She vanished one day, 1487 But the following May 1488Her legs were retrieved from a fen. 1489 -- Edward Gorey 1490% 1491An indefatigable woman named Bavel 1492Had often occasion to travel; 1493 On the way she would sit 1494 And furiously knit, 1495And on the way back she'd unravel. 1496 -- Edward Gorey 1497% 1498An ingenious young man in South Bend 1499Made a synthetic ass for a friend, 1500 But the friend shortly found 1501 Its construction unsound, 1502It was simply a bother -- no end. 1503% 1504An innocent maiden named Herridge 1505Was cruelly tricked into marriage; 1506 When she later found out 1507 What her spouse was about, 1508She threw herself under a carriage. 1509 -- Edward Gorey 1510% 1511An inquisitive virgin named Dora 1512Asked the man who started to bore 'er: 1513 "Do you mean birds and bees 1514 Go through antics like these, 1515To supply us our fauna and flora?" 1516% 1517An irate young lady named Booker 1518Told her husband, "You beast, I'm no hooker! 1519 If you want it queer ways, 1520 Go to whores for your lays!" 1521So he packed up his tool and forsook 'er. 1522% 1523An octagenerian Jew 1524To his wife remained steadfastly true. 1525 This was not from compunction, 1526 But due to dysfunction 1527Of his spermatic glands -- nuts to you. 1528% 1529An old couple just at Shrovetide 1530Were having a piece -- when he died. 1531 The wife for a week 1532 Sat tight on his peak, 1533And bounced up and down as she cried. 1534% 1535An old electronic designer 1536Had designs on a minor named Dinah. 1537 He couldn't carry them out 1538 For his prick was too stout, 1539And too small was the minor's vagina. 1540% 1541An old gentleman's crotchets and quibblings 1542Were a terrible trial to his siblings, 1543 But he was not removed 1544 Till one day it was proved 1545That the bell-ropes were damp with his dribblings. 1546 -- Edward Gorey 1547% 1548An old maid who had a pet ape 1549Lived in fear of perpetual rape. 1550 His red, hairy phallus 1551 So filled her with malice 1552That she sealed up her snatch with Scotch tape. 1553% 1554An old man at the Folies Bergere 1555Had a jock, a most wondrous affair: 1556 It snipped off a twat-curl 1557 From each new chorus girl, 1558And he had a wig made of the hair. 1559% 1560An organist playing in York 1561Had a prick that could hold a small fork, 1562 And between obbligatos 1563 He'd munch at tomatoes, 1564To keep up his strength while at work. 1565% 1566An orgasmic young sex star named Sue 1567Was a hit as she writhed to a screw. 1568 Her climatic fame spread 1569 With an ad blitz that said: 1570Coming soon at a theater near you! 1571% 1572An uptight young lady named Breerley 1573Who valued her morals too dearly 1574 Had sex, so I hear, 1575 Only once every year, 1576And she strained her vagina severely. 1577% 1578And earnest young woman in Thrace 1579Said, "Darling, that's not the right place!" 1580 So he gave her a thwack, 1581 And did on her back, 1582What he couldn't have done face to face. 1583% 1584And then there's the story that's fraught 1585With disaster -- of balls that got caught, 1586 When a chap took a crap 1587 In the woods, and a trap 1588Underneath... Oh, I can't bear the thought! 1589% 1590As for weirdness, the guy who's the tops 1591Is a kinky old butcher named Pops. 1592 Since he thinks it's effete 1593 To be beating his meat, 1594What he's into is licking his chops. 1595% 1596As he came in his chubby choirboy, 1597Father Burke said, "There's no greater joy! 1598 If no sodomy levens 1599 And possible heavens, 1600Existence will merely annoy." 1601% 1602As the breeches-buoy swing towards the rocks, 1603Its occupant cried, "Save my socks! 1604 I could not bear the loss, 1605 For with scarlet silk floss 1606My mama has embroidered their clocks." 1607 -- Edward Gorey 1608% 1609As tourists inspected the apse 1610An ominous series of raps 1611 Came from under the altar, 1612 Which caused some to falter 1613And others to shriek and collapse. 1614 -- Edward Gorey 1615% 1616Asked a supplicant priest of the pontiff, 1617"Do I sin if I do what I want, if 1618 I screw a young nun 1619 In the eastertide sun?" 1620His holiness murmured, "Gut yontiff." 1621% 1622At a contest for farting in Butte 1623One lady's exertion was cute: 1624 It won the diploma 1625 For fetid aroma, 1626And three judges were felled by the brute. 1627% 1628At a dance, a girl from Connecticut 1629Showed an absolute absence of etiquette 1630 Letting all comers press 1631 Through the skirt of her dress 1632And wiping the mess with her petticoat. 1633% 1634At the end of all civilization 1635Is the planet Terminus's location. 1636 There's a girl there whose feat, 1637 Without stone or concrete, 1638Nonetheless, was to lay the Foundation. 1639% 1640At the moment Japan declared war 1641A sailor was fucking a whore. 1642 He said, "After this poke 1643 `Long and hard' ain't no joke; 1644This means months 'til I get back ashore." 1645% 1646At the Villa Nemetia the sleepers 1647Are disturbed by a phantom in weepers; 1648 It beats all night long 1649 A dirge on a gong 1650As it staggers about in the creepers. 1651 -- Edward Gorey 1652% 1653At Vassar, sex isn't injurious, 1654Though of love we are never penurious. 1655 Thanks to vulcanized aids, 1656 Though we may die old maids, 1657At least we shall never die curious. 1658% 1659At whist drives and strawberry teas 1660Fan would giggle and show off her knees; 1661 But when she was alone 1662 She'd drink eau de cologne, 1663And weep from a sense of unease. 1664 -- Edward Gorey 1665% 1666Augustus, for splashing his soup, 1667Was put for the night on the stoop; 1668 In the morning he'd not 1669 Repented a jot, 1670And next day he was dead of the croup. 1671 -- Edward Gorey 1672% 1673Back in the days of old Adam 1674The grass served as mattress for madam, 1675 And they spent the whole day 1676 On the sex that today 1677They would bounce on box springs, if they had 'em. 1678% 1679Each Friday his engines abort, 1680But Scotty is never caught short. 1681 He fills his machines 1682 With space-navy beans, 1683And farts the ship back into port. 1684% 1685Each night Father fills me with dread 1686When he sits on the foot of my bed; 1687 I'd not mind that he speaks 1688 In gibbers and squeaks, 1689But for the seventeen years he's been dead. 1690 -- Edward Gorey 1691% 1692From deep in the crypt at St. Giles 1693Came a bellow that echoed for miles. 1694 Said the rector, "My gracious, 1695 Has Father Ignatius 1696Forgotten the Bishop has piles!?" 1697% 1698From Number Nine, Penwiper Mews, 1699There is really abominable news; 1700 They've discovered a head 1701 In the box for the bread, 1702But nobody seems to know whose. 1703 -- Edward Gorey 1704% 1705From the bathing machine came a din 1706As of jollification within; 1707 It was heard far and wide, 1708 And the incoming tide 1709Had a definite flavour of gin. 1710 -- Edward Gorey 1711% 1712"Fucked by the finger of Fate!" 1713Bewailed a young fellow named Tate. 1714 "Since dating Miss Baugh, 1715 My whole tongue has been raw-- 1716It must have been something I ate." 1717% 1718In the case of a lady named Frost, 1719Whose cunt's a good two feet acrost, 1720 It's the best part of valor 1721 To bugger the gal, or 1722You're apt to fall in and get lost. 1723% 1724In the Garden of Eden lay Adam, 1725Complacently stroking his madam, 1726 And loud was his mirth 1727 For on all of the earth 1728There were only two balls -- and he had 'em. 1729% 1730In the little French town of Le'Beau, 1731Lived a maiden exceedingly droll. 1732 At a masquerade ball, 1733 Clad in nothing at all, 1734She backed in as a Parker house roll. 1735% 1736It always delights me at Hank's 1737To walk up the old river banks. 1738 One time in the grass 1739 I stepped on an ass, 1740And heard a young girl murmur, "Thanks." 1741% 1742It had snowed, and the man in the drift, 1743Flagged her down and asked, "Give me a lift?" 1744 They sat in her Bentley, 1745 She fondled him gently, 1746And the lift that he'd asked for was swift! 1747% 1748The late Brigham Young was no neuter -- 1749No faggot, no fairy, no fruiter. 1750 Where ten thousand virgins 1751 Succumbed to his urgin's 1752There now stands the great State of Utah. 1753% 1754The latest reports from Good Hope 1755State that apes there have pricks thick as rope, 1756 And fuck high, wide, and free, 1757 From the top of one tree 1758To the top of the next -- what a scope! 1759% 1760The limerick, a verse form iniquitous, 1761Has nonetheless been ubiquitous. 1762 Once Congress in session, 1763 Declared its suppression, 1764But people got around that by writing the last line with no rhyme or meter. 1765% 1766The limerick is furtive and mean; 1767You must keep her in close quarantine, 1768 Or she sneaks to the slums 1769 And promptly becomes 1770Disorderly, drunk, and obscene. 1771 -- Morris Bishop 1772% 1773The old archeologist, Throstle, 1774Discovered a marvelous fossil. 1775 He knew from its bend 1776 And the knot on the end, 1777T'was the penis of Paul the Apostle. 1778% 1779There a young man from the Coast 1780Who had an affair with a ghost. 1781 At the height of orgasm 1782 Said the pallid phantasm, 1783"I think I can feel it -- almost!" 1784% 1785There once was a bishop from Birmingham 1786Who deflowered young girls while confirming 'em. 1787 As they knelt on the hassock 1788 He lifted his cassock 1789And slipped his episcopal worm in 'em. 1790% 1791There once was a boy named Carruthers 1792Who was busily fucking his mother 1793 "I know it's a sin," 1794 He said, shoving it in, 1795"But it's better than blowing my brother." 1796% 1797There once was a chick named Longet, 1798Who went out to Aspen to play. 1799 Along came a Spyder, 1800 Who sat down beside her 1801And she blew the poor bastard away. 1802% 1803There once was a clergyman's daughter 1804Who detested the pony he bought her, 1805 Till she found that its dong 1806 Was as hard and as long 1807As the prayers her father had taught her. 1808 1809She married a fellow named Tony 1810Who soon found her fucking the pony. 1811 Said he, "What's it got, 1812 My dear, that I've not?" 1813Sighed she, "Just a yard-long bologna." 1814% 1815There once was a couple named Kelley, 1816Who lived their life belly to belly. 1817 Because in their haste 1818 They used library paste, 1819Instead of petroleum jelly. 1820% 1821There once was a dentist named Stone 1822Who saw all his patients alone. 1823 In a fit of depravity 1824 He filled the wrong cavity, 1825And my, how his practice has grown! 1826% 1827There once was a Duchess of Beever 1828Who slept with her golden retriever. 1829 Said the potted old Duke: 1830 "Such tricks make me puke! 1831Were it not for her money, I'd leave her." 1832% 1833There once was a Duchess of Bruges 1834Whose cunt was incredibly huge. 1835 Said the king to this dame 1836 As he thunderously came: 1837"Mon Dieu! Apres moi, le deluge!" 1838% 1839There once was a fag of Khartoum 1840Who spent the night in a Lesbian's room. 1841 They argued all night, 1842 Over who had the right, 1843To do what, and with which, and to whom. 1844% 1845There once was a fairy named Avers 1846Who encircled his cock with lifesavers. 1847 Though buggers all claimed 1848 That their asses were maimed, 1849Sixty-niners all cheered the new flavors. 1850% 1851There once was a fellow named Bob 1852Who in sexual ways was a snob. 1853 One day he was swimmin' 1854 With twelve naked women 1855And deserted them all for a gob. 1856% 1857There once was a fellow named Brewster 1858Who said to his wife, as he goosed her, 1859 "It used to be grand 1860 But look at my hand 1861You're not wiping as clean as ya uster." 1862% 1863There once was a fellow named Howard, 1864Whose tool it was nuclear-powered, 1865 While grabbing some ass, 1866 He reached critical mass, 1867But think of the girl he deflowered! 1868% 1869There once was a fellow named Potts 1870Who was prone to having the trots 1871 But his humble abode 1872 Was without a commode 1873So his carpet was covered with spots. 1874% 1875There once was a fellow named Siegel 1876Who attempted to bugger a beagle, 1877 But the mettlesome bitch 1878 Turned and said with a twitch, 1879"It's fun, but you know it's illegal." 1880% 1881There once was a fellow named Sweeney 1882Who spilled gin all over his weenie. 1883 Not being uncouth, 1884 He added vermouth 1885And slipped his amour a martini. 1886% 1887There once was a fencer named Fisk, 1888Whose speed was incredibly brisk. 1889 So fast was his action, 1890 The Fitzgerald contraction, 1891Foreshortened his foil to a disk. 1892% 1893There once was a fiesty young terrier 1894Who liked to bite girls on the derriere. 1895 He'd yip and he'd yap, 1896 Then leap up and snap; 1897And the fairer the derriere the merrier. 1898% 1899There once was a floozie named Annie 1900Whose prices were cosy--but cannie: 1901 A buck for a fuck, 1902 Fifty cents for a suck, 1903And a dime for a feel of her fanny. 1904% 1905There once was a freshman named Lin, 1906Whose tool was as thin as a pin, 1907 A virgin named Joan 1908 From a bible belt home, 1909Said "This won't be much of a sin." 1910% 1911There once was a gangster named Brown 1912- the sneakiest bastard in town. 1913 He was caught by G-men 1914 Shooting his semen 1915Where the cops would slip and fall down. 1916% 1917There once was a gaucho named Bruno, 1918Who said, "About sex, well, I do know, 1919 Sheep are just fine, 1920 Chickens, divine, 1921But iguanas are Numero Uno." 1922% 1923There once was a gay young Parisian 1924Who screwed an appendix incision, 1925 And the girl of his choice 1926 Could hardly rejoice 1927At the horrible lack of precision. 1928% 1929There once was a girl from Cornell 1930Whose teats were shaped like a bell. 1931 When you touched them they shrunk, 1932 Except when she was drunk, 1933And then they got bigger than hell. 1934% 1935There once was a girl from Decatur, 1936Who got laid by a big alligator. 1937 Now nobody knew 1938 The result of that screw, 1939'Cause after he laid her, he ate her. 1940% 1941There once was a girl from Madras 1942Who had such a beautiful ass - 1943 It was not round and pink 1944 (As you bastards think) 1945But had two ears, a tail, and ate grass. 1946% 1947There once was a girl from Spokane, 1948Went to bed with a one-legged man. 1949 She said, "I know you-- 1950 You've really got two! 1951Why didn't you say so when we began?" 1952% 1953There once was a girl named Irene 1954Who lived on distilled kerosene 1955 But she started absorbin' 1956 A new hydrocarbon 1957And since then has never benzene. 1958% 1959There once was a girl named Louise 1960Who cunt hair hung down to her knees 1961 The crabs in her twat 1962 Tied the hairs in a knot 1963And constructed a flying trapeze 1964% 1965There once was a girl named Mcgoffin 1966Who was diddled amazingly often. 1967 She was rogered by scores 1968 Who'd been turned down by whores, 1969And was finally screwed in her coffin. 1970% 1971There once was a girl named Priscilla 1972Whose vagina was flavored vanilla. 1973 The taste was so fine 1974 Man and beast stood in line 1975(Including a stud armadilla). 1976% 1977There once was a girl so lovely, 1978Who wanted to make love in the bubbly, 1979 She strapped on her tanks, 1980 And started her pranks, 1981But the lobsters all thought she was ugly. 1982% 1983There once was a golfer named Leer, 1984Who got put in the clink for a year, 1985 For an action obscene, 1986 On the very first green. 1987Where the sign said "Enter course here." 1988% 1989There once was a gouty old colonel 1990Who grew glum when the weather grew vernal, 1991 And he cried in his tiffin 1992 For his prick wouldn't stiffen, 1993And the size of the thing was infernal. 1994% 1995There once was a guardsman from Buckingham 1996Who said, "As for girls, I hate fucking 'em. 1997 But when I meet boys, 1998 God! how I enjoys 1999Just licking their peckers and sucking 'em." 2000% 2001There once was a hacker named Ken 2002Who inherited truckloads of Yen. 2003 So he built him some chicks, 2004 Of silicon chips, 2005And hasn't been heard from since then. 2006% 2007There once was a handsome young seaman 2008Who with ladies was really a demon. 2009 In peace or in war, 2010 At sea or on shore, 2011He could certainly dish out the semen. 2012% 2013There once was a horny old bitch 2014With a motorized self-frigger which 2015 She would use with delight 2016 All day long and all night - 2017Twenty bucks: Abercrombie & Fitch. 2018% 2019There once was a horse named Lily 2020Whose dingus was really a dilly. 2021 It was vaginoid duply, 2022 And labial quadruply -- 2023In fact, he was really a filly. 2024% 2025There once was a husky young Viking 2026Whose sexual prowess was striking. 2027 Every time he got hot 2028 He would scour the twat 2029Of some girl that might be to his liking. 2030% 2031There once was a jolly old bloke 2032Who picked up a girl for a poke. 2033 He took down her pants, 2034 Fucked her into a trance, 2035And then shit into her shoe for a joke. 2036% 2037There once was a kiddie named Carr 2038Caught a man on top of his mar. 2039 As he saw him stick 'er, 2040 He said with a snicker, 2041"You do it much faster than par." 2042% 2043There once was a lady from Exeter, 2044So pretty that men craned their necks at her. 2045 One was even so brave 2046 As to take out and wave 2047The distinguishing mark of his sex at her. 2048% 2049There once was a lady from Kansas 2050Whose cunt was as big as Bonanzas. 2051 It was nine inches deep 2052 And the sides were quite steep -- 2053It had whiskers like General Carranza's. 2054% 2055There once was a lady named Carter, 2056Fell in love with a virile young Tartar. 2057 She stripped off his pants, 2058 At his prick quickly glanced, 2059And cried: "For that I'll be a martyr!" 2060% 2061There once was a lady named Clair, 2062Who possessed a magnificent pair. 2063 Or that's what I thought, 2064 Till I saw one get caught, 2065On a thorn and begin losing air. 2066% 2067There once was a lady named Myrtle 2068Who had an affair with a turtle. 2069 She had crabs, so they say, 2070 In a year and a day 2071Which proved that that turtle was fertile. 2072% 2073There once was a lawyer named Rex 2074With minuscule organs of sex. 2075 Arraigned for exposure, 2076 He maintained with composure, 2077"De minimis non curat lex." 2078 2079 [Trans: the law does not concern itself with small things. Ed.] 2080% 2081There once was a lifeguard named Lee 2082Who rescued a girl from the sea 2083 She asked how to pay, 2084 And he said "Try this way, 2085Go down for the third time on me." 2086% 2087There once was a maid from Mobile 2088Whose cunt was made of blue steel. 2089 She only got thrills 2090 From pneumatic drills 2091And an off-centered emery wheel. 2092% 2093There once was a man from Bombay 2094He would do it all night and all day 2095 He soon became sore 2096 You shoulda' heard him roar 2097When his wife rubbed his balls with Ben-Gay! 2098% 2099There once was a man from Calcutta 2100Who used to beat off in the gutta 2101 The heat of the sun 2102 Affected his gun 2103And turned all his cream into butta! 2104% 2105There once was a man from Dunoon, 2106Who always ate soup with a fork. 2107 He said "When I eat 2108 Either fish, foul or flesh, 2109I otherwise finish too quick." 2110% 2111There once was a man from Exameter 2112Who had a prodigious diameter 2113 But it wasn't the size 2114 That brought forth the cries 2115'Twas his rythm, iambic pentameter. 2116% 2117There once was a man from Madras, 2118Whose balls were made out of brass. 2119 When they clanged together, 2120 They played "Stormy Weather", 2121And lightning shot out of his ass. 2122% 2123There once was a man from Nantee 2124Who buggered an ape in a tree. 2125 The results were most horrid 2126 All ass and no forehead 2127Three balls and a purple goatee. 2128% 2129There once was a man from Nantucket 2130Who kept all his cash in a bucket. 2131 His daughter, named Nan, 2132 Ran away with a man, 2133And as for the bucket, Nantucket. 2134 2135The pair of them went to Manhasset, 2136(Nan and the man with the asset.) 2137 Pa followed them there, 2138 But they left in a tear, 2139And as for the asset, Manhasset. 2140 2141Pa followed the pair to Pawtucket, 2142(Nan and the man with the bucket.) 2143 Pa said to the man, 2144 "You're welcome to Nan." 2145But as for the bucket, Pawtucket. 2146% 2147There once was a man from Nantucket 2148Whose dick was so long he could suck it. 2149 He said with a grin 2150 As he wiped off his chin, 2151"If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it!" 2152% 2153There once was a man from Racine, 2154Who invented a screwing machine. 2155 Both concave and convex, 2156 It could please either sex, 2157But, oh, what a bastard to clean! 2158% 2159There once was a man from Sandem 2160Who was making his girl on a tandem. 2161 At the peak of the make 2162 She jammed on the brake 2163And scattered his semen at random. 2164% 2165There once was a man from Sydney 2166Who could put it up to her kidney. 2167 But the man from Quebec 2168 Put it up to her neck; 2169He had a big one, now didn't he? 2170% 2171There once was a man named Lodge, 2172who had seatbelts installed in his Dodge. 2173 When his date was strapped in, 2174 He committed a sin, 2175without ever leaving the garage. 2176% 2177There once was a man named McGruder, 2178Who canoed with a girl in Bermuder. 2179 But the girl thought it crude, 2180 To be wooed in the nude, 2181So McGru took an oar and subduder. 2182% 2183There once was a man named McSweeny 2184Who spilled some raw gin on his weeny. 2185 Just to be couth, 2186 He added vermouth, 2187And slipped his girlfriend a martini. 2188% 2189There once was a man named Parridge 2190With peculiar views on marriage. 2191 He sucked off his brother, 2192 Fucked his own mother, 2193And gobbled his sister's miscarriage. 2194% 2195There once was a man with a hernia 2196Who said to his doctor, "Gol dern ya, 2197 When you work on my middle 2198 Be sure you don't fiddle 2199With things that do not concern ya." 2200% 2201There once was a member of Mensa 2202Who was a most excellent fencer. 2203 The sword that he used 2204 Was his -- (line is refused, 2205And has now been removed by the censor). 2206% 2207There once was a miner named Dave, 2208Who kept a dead whore in his cave. 2209 She was ugly as shit, 2210 And missing one tit, 2211But think of the money he saves. 2212% 2213There once was a monk of Camyre 2214Who was seized with a carnal desire 2215 And the primary cause 2216 Was the abbess's drawers 2217Which were hung up to dry by the fire. 2218% 2219There once was a newspaper vendor, 2220A person of dubious gender. 2221 He would charge one-and-two 2222 For permission to view 2223His remarkable double pudenda. 2224% 2225There once was a plumber from Leigh 2226Who was plumbing his maid by the sea. 2227 Said she, "Please stop plumbing, 2228 I think someone's coming!" 2229Said he, "Yes, I know love, it's me." 2230% 2231There once was a pretty young Mrs. 2232Whose tearful but short story thrs. 2233 Her mind lost its grasp - 2234 Now she thinks she's an asp 2235And just sits in the corner and hrs. 2236% 2237There once was a queen of Bulgaria 2238Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier, 2239 Till a prince from Peru 2240 Who came up for a screw 2241Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier. 2242% 2243There once was a reverend at Kings 2244Whose mind 'twas on heavenly things. 2245 But his heart was on fire 2246 For a boy in the choir 2247Whose buns were like jelly on springs. 2248% 2249There once was a sad Maitre d'hotel 2250Who said, "They can all go to hell! 2251 What they do to my wife -- 2252 Why it ruins my life; 2253And the worst is they all do it well." 2254% 2255There once was a sailor named Gasted, 2256A swell guy, as long as he lasted, 2257 He could jerk himself off 2258 In a basket, aloft, 2259Or a breeches-buoy swung from the masthead. 2260% 2261There once was a Scot named McAmeter 2262With a tool of prodigious diameter. 2263 It was not the size 2264 That caused such surprise; 2265'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter. 2266% 2267There once was a son-of-a-bitch, 2268Neither clever, nor handsome, nor rich, 2269 Yet the girls he would dazzle, 2270 And fuck to a frazzle, 2271And then ditch them, the son-of-a-bitch! 2272% 2273There once was a spaceman named Spock 2274Who had a huge Vulcanized cock. 2275 A girl from Missouri 2276 Whose name was Uhura 2277Just fainted away from the shock. 2278% 2279There once was a Swede in Minneapolis, 2280Discovered his sex life was hapless: 2281 The more he would screw 2282 The more he'd want to, 2283And he feared he would soon be quite sapless. 2284% 2285There once was a Usenetter named Mark, 2286Whose gender was kept in the dark. 2287 He/she/it said with a nod, 2288 "My ancestors were odd!" 2289Did Noah need two for the ark? 2290% 2291There once was a whore from Regina 2292Who had a stupendous vagina. 2293 To save herself time, 2294 She had six at a time, 2295And another one working behind her. 2296% 2297There once was a woman from Arden 2298Who sucked off a man in a garden. 2299 He said, "My dear Flo, 2300 Where does all that stuff go?" 2301And she said, "[Swallow hard] I beg pardon?" 2302% 2303There once was a yokel of Beaconsfield 2304Engaged to look after the deacon's field, 2305 But he lurked in the ditches 2306 And diddled the bitches 2307Who happened to cross that antique 'un's field. 2308% 2309There once was a young fellow named Blaine, 2310And he screwed some disgusting old jane. 2311 She was ugly and smelly, 2312 With an awful pot-belly, 2313But... well, they were caught in the rain. 2314% 2315There once was a young girl from Natches 2316Who chanced to be born with two snatches 2317 She often said, "Shit! 2318 I'd give either tit 2319For a guy with equipment that matches." 2320% 2321There once was a young man from Boston 2322Who drove around town in an Austin, 2323 There was room for his ass, 2324 And a gallon of gas, 2325So he hung out his balls and he lost 'em. 2326% 2327There once was a young man from France 2328Who waited ten years for his chance; 2329Then he muffed it... 2330% 2331There once was a young man from Yuma 2332Who attempted sex with a puma 2333 He gave up real quick 2334 Minus nose, toes, and prick 2335In obvious pain and ill huma. 2336% 2337There once was a young man from Yuma, 2338Who told an elephant joke to a puma. 2339 Now his dry bleached bones lie, 2340 Under hot Asian skies, 2341'Cause the puma had no sense of huma. 2342% 2343There once was a young man named Clyde 2344Who fell in an outhouse, and died. 2345 He had a twin brother 2346 Who fell in another 2347And now they're interred side by side. 2348% 2349There once was a young man named Gene, 2350Who invented a screwing machine. 2351 Concave and convex, 2352 It served either sex, 2353And it played with itself inbetween. 2354% 2355There once was a young man named Lancelot 2356Whom the townsfolk would look at askance a lot 2357 For when he should pass 2358 A desirable lass 2359The front of his pants would advance a lot. 2360% 2361There once was an Arpanet freak, 2362Who better response-time did seek. 2363 He searched coast to coast, 2364 For a reliable host, 2365Whose logger took less than a week. 2366% 2367There once was an old man from Esser, 2368Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser. 2369 It at last grew so small, 2370 He knew nothing at all, 2371And now he's a College Professor. 2372% 2373There once were two brothers named Luntz 2374Who buggered each other at once. 2375 When asked to account 2376 For this intricate mount, 2377They said, "Ass-holes are tighter than cunts." 2378% 2379There once were two women from Birmingham. 2380And this is the story concerning 'em. 2381 They lifted the frock 2382 And fondled the cock 2383Of the bishop as he was confirming 'em. 2384% 2385There was a bluestocking in Florence 2386Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents, 2387 Till a Spanish grandee, 2388 Got her off with his knee, 2389And she burned all her works with abhorrence. 2390% 2391There was a family named Doe, 2392An ideal family to know. 2393 As father screwed mother, 2394 She said, "You're heavier than brother." 2395And he said, "Yes, Sis told me so!" 2396% 2397There was a fat lady of China 2398Who'd a really enormous vagina, 2399 And when she was dead 2400 They painted it red, 2401And used it for docking a liner. 2402% 2403There was a fat man from Rangoon 2404Whose prick was much like a balloon. 2405 He tried hard to ride her 2406 And when finally inside her 2407She thought she was pregnant too soon. 2408% 2409There was a gay countess of Bray, 2410And you may think it odd when I say, 2411 That in spite of high station, 2412 Rank and education, 2413She always spelled cunt with a "k". 2414% 2415There was a gay dog from Ontario 2416Who fancied himself a Lothario. 2417 At a wench's glance 2418 He'd snatch off his pants 2419And make for her Mons Venerio. 2420% 2421There was a gay parson of Norton 2422Whose prick, although thick, was a short 'un. 2423 To make up for this loss, 2424 He had balls like a horse, 2425And never spent less than a quartern. 2426% 2427There was a gay parson of Tooting 2428Whose roe he was frequently shooting, 2429 Till he married a lass 2430 With a face like my arse, 2431And a cunt you could put a top-boot in. 2432% 2433There was a girl from Aberystwyth 2434Who brought grain to the mill to get grist with. 2435 The miller's son Jack 2436 Laid her flat on her back 2437And united the organs they pissed with. 2438% 2439There was a lewd fellow named Duff 2440Who loved to dive deep in the muff. 2441 With his head in a whirl 2442 He said, "Spread it, Pearl; 2443I cunt get enough of the stuff!" 2444% 2445There was a man from Mich. 2446Who used to wish and wich. 2447 That spring would come 2448 So he could bum 2449Around and go out fich. 2450% 2451There was a pianist named Liszt 2452Who played with one hand while he pissed, 2453 But as he grew older 2454 His technique grew bolder, 2455And in concert jacked off with his fist. 2456% 2457There was a poor parson from Goring, 2458Who made a small hole in his flooring, 2459 Fur-lined it all round, 2460 Then laid on the ground, 2461And declared it was cheaper than whoring. 2462% 2463There was a strong man of Drumrig 2464Who one day did seven times frig. 2465 He buggered three sailors, 2466 Four dogs and two tailors, 2467And ended by fucking a pig. 2468% 2469There was a teenager named Donna 2470Who never said, "No, I don't wanna." 2471 Two days out of three 2472 She would shoot LSD, 2473And on weekends she smoked marijuana. 2474% 2475There was a young belle of old Natchez 2476Whose garments were always in patchez. 2477 When comment arose 2478 On the state of her clothes 2479She, drawled, "When ah itchez, ah scratchez." 2480% 2481There was a young blade from South Greece 2482Whose bush did so greatly increase 2483 That before he could shack 2484 He must hunt needle in stack. 2485'Twas as bad as being obese. 2486% 2487There was a young bride, a Canuck, 2488Told her husband, "Let's do more than suck. 2489 You say that I, maybe, 2490 Can have my first baby-- 2491Let's give up this Frenchin' and fuck!" 2492% 2493There was a young bride of Antigua 2494Whose husband said, "Dear me, how big you are!" 2495 Said the girl, "What damn'd rot! 2496 Why, you've only felt my twot, 2497My legs and my arse and my figua!" 2498% 2499There was a young chap in Arabia 2500Who courted a widow named Fabia. 2501 "Yes, my tongue is as long 2502 As the average man's dong," 2503He said, licking the lips of her labia. 2504% 2505There was a young cook with the art 2506Of making a delicious tart 2507 With a handful of shit, 2508 Some snot and some spit, 2509And he'd flavor the whole with a fart. 2510% 2511There was a young curate whose brain 2512Was deranged from the use of cocaine; 2513 He lured a small child 2514 To a copse dark and wild, 2515Where he beat it to death with his cane. 2516 -- Edward Gorey 2517% 2518There was a young damsel named Baker 2519Who was poked in a pew by a Quaker. 2520 He yelled, "My God! what 2521 Do you call this -- a twat? 2522Why, the entrance is more than an acre!" 2523% 2524There was a young dolly named Molly 2525Who thought that to frig was a folly. 2526 Said she, "Your pee-pee 2527 Means nothing to me, 2528But I'll do it just to be jolly." 2529% 2530There was a young fellow called Clyde 2531Who fell in an outhouse and died. 2532 He had a twin brother 2533 Who fell in another 2534So now they're interred side by side. 2535% 2536There was a young fellow from Cal., 2537In bed with a passionate gal. 2538 He leapt from the bed, 2539 To the toilet he sped; 2540Said the gal, "What about me, old pal?" 2541% 2542There was a young fellow from Florida 2543Who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her. 2544 When they got into bed 2545 He cried, "God strike me dead! 2546This ain't a cunt -- it's a corridor!" 2547% 2548There was a young fellow from Kent 2549Whose cock was so long that it bent 2550 To save himself trouble 2551 He put it in double 2552And instead of coming, he went. 2553% 2554There was a young fellow from Leeds 2555Who swallowed a package of seeds. 2556 Great tufts of grass 2557 Sprouted out of his ass 2558And his balls were all covered with weeds. 2559% 2560There was a young fellow from Parma 2561Who was solemnly screwing his charmer. 2562 Said the damsel demure, 2563 "You'll excuse me, I'm sure, 2564But I must say you fuck like a farmer." 2565% 2566There was a young fellow name Tucker 2567Who, instructing a novice cock-sucker, 2568 Said, "Don't bow out your lips 2569 Like an elephant's hips, 2570The boys like it best when they pucker." 2571% 2572There was a young fellow named Ades 2573Whose favorite fruit was young maids. 2574 But sheep, nigger boys, whores, 2575 And the knot holes in doors 2576Were by no means exempt from his raids. 2577% 2578There was a young fellow named Babbitt 2579Who could screw nine times like a rabbit, 2580 But a girl from Johore 2581 Could do it twice more, 2582Which was just enough extra to crab it. 2583% 2584There was a young fellow named Bill, 2585Who took an atomic pill, 2586 His navel corroded, 2587 His asshole exploded, 2588And they found his nuts in Brazil. 2589% 2590There was a young fellow named Blaine, 2591And he screwed some disgusting old jane. 2592 She was ugly and smelly 2593 With an awful pot-belly, 2594But... well, they were caught in the rain. 2595% 2596There was a young fellow named Bliss 2597Whose sex life was strangely amiss, 2598 For even with Venus 2599 His recalcitrant penis 2600Would never do better than t 2601 h 2602 i 2603 s 2604 . 2605% 2606There was a young fellow named Bowen 2607Whose pecker kept growin' and growin'. 2608 It grew so tremendous, 2609 So long and so pendulous, 2610'Twas no good for fuckin' -- just showin'. 2611% 2612There was a young fellow named Brewer 2613Whose girl made her home in a sewer. 2614 Thus he, the poor soul, 2615 Could get into her hole, 2616And still not be able to screw her! 2617% 2618There was a young fellow named Case 2619Who entered a cunt-lapping race. 2620 He licked his way clean 2621 Through Number thirteen, 2622But then slipped and got pissed in the face. 2623% 2624There was a young fellow named Charteris 2625Put his hand where his young lady's garter is. 2626 Said she, "I don't mind, 2627 And higher up you'll find 2628The place where my fucker and farter is." 2629% 2630There was a young fellow named Cribbs 2631Whose cock was so big it had ribs. 2632 They were inches apart, 2633 And to suck it took art, 2634While to fuck it took forty-two trips. 2635% 2636There was a young fellow named dick 2637Who had a magnificent prick. 2638 It was shaped like a prism 2639 And shot so much gism 2640It made every cocksucker sick. 2641% 2642There was a young fellow named Feeney 2643Whose girl was a terrible meany. 2644 The hatch of her snatch 2645 Had a catch that would latch 2646- She could only be screwed by Houdini. 2647% 2648There was a young fellow named Fletcher, 2649Was reputed an infamous lecher. 2650 When he'd take on a whore 2651 She'd need a rebore, 2652And they'd carry him out on a stretcher. 2653% 2654There was a young fellow named Fyfe 2655Whose marriage was ruined for life, 2656 For he had an aversion 2657 To every perversion, 2658And only liked fucking his wife. 2659 2660Well, one year the poor woman struck, 2661And she wept, and she cursed at her luck, 2662 And said, "Where have you gotten us 2663 With your goddamn monotonous 2664Fuck after fuck after fuck? 2665 2666"I once knew a harlot named Lou -- 2667And a versatile girl she was, too. 2668 After ten years of whoredom 2669 She perished of boredom 2670When she married a jackass like you!" 2671% 2672There was a young fellow named Gene 2673Who first picked his asshole quite clean. 2674 He next picked his toes, 2675 And lastly his nose, 2676And he never did wash in between. 2677% 2678There was a young fellow named Gluck 2679Who found himself shit out of luck. 2680 Though he petted and wooed, 2681 When he tried to get screwed 2682He found virgins just don't give a fuck. 2683% 2684There was a young fellow named Goody 2685Who claimed that he wouldn't, but would he? 2686 If he found himself nude 2687 With a gal in the mood 2688The question's not woody but could he? 2689% 2690There was a young fellow named Grant 2691Who was made like the sensitive plant. 2692 When they asked "Do you fuck?" 2693 He replied, "No such luck. 2694I would if I could, but I can't." 2695% 2696There was a young fellow named Grimes 2697Who fucked his girl seventeen times 2698 In the course of a week -- 2699 And this isn't to speak 2700Of assorted venereal crimes. 2701% 2702There was a young fellow named Harry, 2703Had a joint that was long, huge and scary. 2704 He grabbed him a virgin, 2705 Who, without any urgin', 2706Immediately spread like a fairy. 2707% 2708There was a young fellow named Hatch 2709Who was fond of the music of Bach. 2710 He said: "It's not fussy 2711 Like Brahms and Debussy; 2712Sit down, and I'll play you a snatch." 2713% 2714There was a young fellow named Kimble 2715Whose prick was exceedingly nimble, 2716 But fragile and slender, 2717 And dainty and tender, 2718So he kept it encased in a thimble. 2719% 2720There was a young fellow named Meek 2721Who invented a lingual technique. 2722 It drove women frantic, 2723 And made them romantic, 2724And wore all the hair off his cheek. 2725% 2726There was a young fellow named Morgan 2727Who possessed an unusual organ: 2728 The end of his dong, 2729 Which was nine inches long, 2730Was tipped with the head of a gorgon. 2731% 2732There was a young fellow named Paul 2733Who confessed, "I have only one ball. 2734 But the size of my prick 2735 Is God's dirtiest trick, 2736For my girls always ask, `Is that all?'" 2737% 2738There was a young fellow named Pell 2739Who didn't like cunt very well. 2740 He would finger or fuck one, 2741 But never would suck one-- 2742He just couldn't get used to the smell. 2743% 2744There was a young fellow named Price 2745Who dabbled in all sorts of vice. 2746 He had virgins and boys 2747 And mechanical toys, 2748And on Mondays... he meddled with mice! 2749% 2750There was a young fellow named Prynne 2751Whose prick was so short and so thin, 2752 His wife found she needed 2753 A Fuckoscope -- she did -- 2754To see if he'd gotten it in. 2755% 2756There was a young fellow named Skinner 2757Who took a young lady to dinner 2758 At a quarter to nine, 2759 They sat down to dine, 2760At twenty to ten it was in her. 2761The dinner, not Skinner -- Skinner was in her before dinner. 2762 2763There was a young fellow named Tupper 2764Who took a young lady to supper. 2765 At a quarter to nine, 2766 They sat down to dine, 2767And at twenty to ten it was up her. 2768Not the supper -- not Tupper -- It was some son-of-a-bitch named Skinner! 2769% 2770There was a young fellow named Sweeney, 2771Whose girl was a terrible meanie, 2772 The hatch of her snatch, 2773 Had a catch that would latch, 2774She could only be screwed by Houdini. 2775% 2776There was a young fellow of Burma 2777Whose betrothed had good reason to murmur. 2778 But now that he's married he's 2779 Been using cantharides 2780And the root of their love is much firmer. 2781% 2782There was a young fellow of Greenwich 2783Whose balls were all covered with spinach. 2784 He had such a tool 2785 It was wound on a spool, 2786And he reeled it out inich by inich. 2787 2788But this tale has an unhappy finich, 2789For due to the sand in the spinach 2790 His ballocks grew rough 2791 And wrecked his wife's muff, 2792And scratched up her thatch in the scrimmage. 2793% 2794There was a young fellow of Harrow 2795Whose john was the size of a marrow. 2796 He said to his tart, 2797 "How's this for a start? 2798My balls are outside in a barrow." 2799% 2800There was a young fellow of Kent 2801Whose prick was so long that it bent, 2802 So to save himself trouble 2803 He put it in double, 2804And instead of coming he went. 2805% 2806There was a young fellow of Mayence 2807Who fucked his own arse in defiance 2808 Not only of custom 2809 And morals, dad-bust him, 2810But of most of the known laws of science. 2811% 2812There was a young fellow of Perth 2813Whose balls were the finest on earth. 2814 They grew to such size 2815 That one won a prize, 2816And goodness knows what they were worth. 2817% 2818There was a young fellow of Strensall 2819Whose prick was as sharp as a pencil. 2820 On the night of his wedding 2821 It went through the bedding, 2822And shattered the chamber utensil. 2823% 2824There was a young fellow of Warwick 2825Who had reason for feeling euphoric, 2826 For he could by election 2827 Have triune erection: 2828Ionic, Corinthian, and Doric. 2829% 2830There was a young fellow whose dong 2831Was prodigiously massive and long. 2832 On each side of his whang 2833 Two testes did hang 2834That attracted a curious throng. 2835% 2836There was a young gaucho named Bruno 2837Who said, "Screwing is one thing I do know. 2838 A woman is fine, 2839 And a sheep is divine, 2840But a llama is Numero Uno." 2841% 2842There was a young gaucho named Bruno 2843Who said, "There is one thing I do know, 2844 Women are fine 2845 And children devine, 2846But the llama is numero uno." 2847% 2848There was a young German named Ringer 2849Who was screwing an opera singer. 2850 Said he with a grin, 2851 "Well, I've sure got it in!" 2852Said she, "You mean that ain't your finger?" 2853% 2854There was a young girl from Annista 2855Who dated a lecherous mister. 2856 He fondled her titty, 2857 Got one finger shitty, 2858Then screwed up his courage and kissed 'er. 2859% 2860There was a young girl from Decatur 2861Who was raped by an alligator. 2862 But no one quite knew 2863 How she relished that screw, 2864For after he screwed her, he ate her. 2865% 2866There was a young girl from Dundee, 2867From her fanny there grew a plum tree. 2868 No one ate the nice fruit, 2869 To tell you the truth, 2870Because they knew it came from her tooty-toot-toot. 2871% 2872There was a young girl from East Lynn 2873Whose mother ( to save her from sin ) 2874 Had filled up her crack 2875 With hard-setting shellac, 2876But the boys picked it out with a pin. 2877% 2878There was a young girl from Hong Kong 2879Who said, "You are utterly wrong 2880 To say my vagina 2881 Is the largest in China 2882Just because of your mean little dong." 2883% 2884There was a young girl from Hong Kong 2885Whose cervical cap was a gong. 2886 She said with a yell, 2887 As a shot rang her bell, 2888"I'll give you a ding for a dong!" 2889% 2890There was a young girl from Medina 2891Who could completely control her vagina. 2892 She could twist it around 2893 Like the cunts that are found 2894In Japan, Manchukuo and China. 2895% 2896There was a young girl from New York 2897Who plugged up her cunt with a cork. 2898 A woodpecker or two 2899 Made the grade it is true, 2900But it totally baffled the stork. 2901 2902Till along came a man who presented 2903A tool that was strangely indented. 2904 With a dizzying twirl 2905 He punctured that girl, 2906And thus was the cork-screw invented. 2907% 2908There was a young girl from New York 2909Who plugged up her quim with a cork 2910 A woodpecker or two 2911 Made the grade, it is true, 2912But it totally baffled the stork. 2913% 2914There was a young girl from Peru, 2915Who had nothing whatever to do. 2916 So she sat on the stairs, 2917 And counted cunt hairs, 2918Four thousand, three hundred and two. 2919% 2920There was a young girl from Peru, 2921Who noticed her lovers were few; 2922 So she walked out her door 2923 With a fig leaf, no more, 2924And now she's in bed - with the flu. 2925% 2926There was a young girl from Samoa 2927Who pledged that no man would know her. 2928 One young fellow tried, 2929 But she wriggled aside, 2930And he spilled all his spermatozoa. 2931% 2932There was a young girl from Seattle, 2933Whose hobby was sucking off cattle. 2934 But a bull from the South 2935 Shot a wad in her mouth 2936That made both her ovaries rattle. 2937% 2938There was a young girl from Siam 2939Who said to her boyfriend Priam, 2940 "To seduce me, of course, 2941 You'll have to use force, 2942And thank goodness you're stronger than I am. 2943% 2944There was a young girl from St. Cyr 2945Whose reflex reactions were queer. 2946 Her escort said, "Mable, 2947 Get up off the table; 2948That money's to pay for the beer." 2949% 2950There was a young girl from St. Paul 2951Who went to a newspaper ball. 2952 Her dress caught on fire 2953 And burnt her entire 2954Front page and sport section and all. 2955% 2956There was a young girl from the Bronix 2957Who had a vagina of onyx. 2958 She had so much `tsoris' 2959 With her clitoris, 2960She traded it in for a Packard. 2961% 2962There was a young girl from the coast 2963Who, just when she needed it most, 2964 Lost her Kotex and bled 2965 All over the bed, 2966And the head and the beard of her host. 2967% 2968There was a young girl in Berlin 2969Who eked out a living through sin. 2970 She didn't mind fucking, 2971 But much preferred sucking, 2972And she'd wipe off the pricks on her chin. 2973% 2974There was a young girl in Berlin 2975Who was fucked by an elderly Finn. 2976 Though he diddled his best, 2977 And fucked her with zest, 2978She kept asking, "Hey, Pop, is it in?" 2979% 2980There was a young girl in Dakota 2981Had a letter from Ickes; he wrote her: 2982 "In addition to gas 2983 We are rationing ass, 2984And you've greatly exceeded your quota." 2985% 2986There was a young girl name McKnight 2987Who got drunk with her boy-friend one night. 2988 She came to in bed, 2989 With a split maidenhead-- 2990That's the last time she ever was tight. 2991% 2992There was a young girl named Ann Heuser 2993Who swore that no man could surprise her. 2994 But Pabst took a chance, 2995 Found a Schlitz in her pants, 2996And now she is sadder Budweiser. 2997% 2998There was a young girl named Heather 2999Whose twitcher was made out of leather. 3000 She made a queer noise, 3001 Which attracted the boys, 3002By flapping the edges together. 3003% 3004There was a young girl named McCall 3005Whose cunt was exceedingly small, 3006 But the size of her anus 3007 Was something quite heinous -- 3008It could hold seven pricks and one ball. 3009% 3010There was a young girl named O'Clare 3011Whose body was covered with hair. 3012 It was really quite fun 3013 To probe with one's gun, 3014For her quimmy might be anywhere. 3015% 3016There was a young girl named O'Malley 3017Who wanted to dance in the ballet. 3018 She got roars of applause 3019 When she kicked off her drawers, 3020But her hair and her bush didn't tally. 3021% 3022There was a young girl named Sapphire 3023Who succumbed to her lover's desire. 3024 She said, "It's a sin, 3025 But now that it's in, 3026Could you shove it a few inches higher?" 3027% 3028There was a young girl of Aberystwyth 3029Who screwed every man that she kissed with. 3030 She tickled the balls 3031 Of the men in the halls, 3032And pulled on the prongs that they pissed with. 3033% 3034There was a young girl of Aberystwyth 3035Who took grain to the mill to get grist with. 3036 The miller's sun, Jack, 3037 Laid her flat on her back, 3038And united the organs they pissed with. 3039% 3040There was a young girl of Angina 3041Who stretched catgut across her vagina. 3042 From the love-making frock 3043 (With the proper sized cock) 3044Came Toccata and Fugue in D minor. 3045% 3046There was a young girl of Asturias 3047With a penchant for practices curious. 3048 She loved to bat rocks 3049 With her gentlemen's cocks -- 3050A practice both rude and injurious. 3051% 3052There was a young girl of Batonger 3053who diddled herself with a conger, 3054 When asked how it feels 3055 To be pleasured by eels 3056She said, "Just like a man, only longer. 3057% 3058There was a young girl of Cah'lina, 3059Had a very capricious vagina: 3060 To the shock of the fucker 3061 "Twould suddenly pucker, 3062And whistle the chorus of "Dinah." 3063% 3064There was a young girl of Cape Cod 3065Who dreamt she'd been buggered by God. 3066 But it wasn't Jehovah 3067 That turned the girl over, 3068'Twas Roger the lodger, the dirty old codger, 3069 the bugger, the bastard, the sod! 3070% 3071There was a young girl of Cape Town 3072Who usually fucked with a clown. 3073 He taught her the trick 3074 Of sucking his prick, 3075And when it went up -- she went down. 3076% 3077There was a young girl of Coxsaxie 3078Whose skirt was more mini than maxi. 3079 She was fucked at the show 3080 In the twenty-third row, 3081And once more going home in the taxi. 3082% 3083There was a young girl of Darjeeling 3084Who could dance with such exquisite feeling 3085 There was never a sound 3086 For miles around 3087Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling. 3088% 3089There was a young girl of Des Moines 3090Whose cunt could be fitted with coins, 3091 Till a guy from Hoboken 3092 Went and dropped in a token, 3093And now she rides free on the ferry. 3094% 3095There was a young girl of Detroit 3096Who at fucking was very adroit: 3097 She could squeeze her vagina 3098 To a pin-point, or finer, 3099Or open it out like a quoit. 3100 3101And she had a friend named Durand 3102Whose cock could contract or expand. 3103 He could diddle a midge 3104 Or the arch of a bridge -- 3105Their performance together was grand! 3106% 3107There was a young girl of East Lynne 3108Whose mother, to save her from sin, 3109 Had filled up her crack, 3110 To the brim with shellac, 3111But the boys picked it out with a pin. 3112% 3113There was a young girl of Gibraltar 3114Who was raped as she knelt at the altar. 3115 It really seems odd 3116 That a virtuous God 3117Should answer her prayers and assault her. 3118% 3119There was a young girl of LLewellyn 3120Whose breasts were as big as a melon. 3121 They were big it is true, 3122 But her cunt was big too, 3123Like a bifocal, full-color, aerial view 3124Of Cape Horn and the Straits of Magellan. 3125% 3126There was a young girl of Mobile, 3127Who hymen was made of chilled steel, 3128 To give her a thrill, 3129 Took a rotary drill, 3130Or a number nine emery wheel. 3131% 3132There was a young girl of Moline 3133Whose fucking was sweet and obscene. 3134 She would work on a prick 3135 With every known trick, 3136And finish by winking it clean. 3137% 3138There was a young girl of Newcastle 3139Whose charms were declared universal. 3140 While one man in front 3141 Wired into her cunt, 3142Another was engaged at her arsehole. 3143% 3144There was a young girl of Pawtucket 3145Whose box was as big as a bucket. 3146 Her boy-friend said, "Toots, 3147 I'll have to wear boots, 3148For I see I must muck it, not fuck it." 3149% 3150There was a young girl of Penzance 3151Who boarded a bus in a trance. 3152 The passengers fucked her, 3153 Likewise the conductor, 3154While the driver shot off in his pants. 3155% 3156There was a young girl of Pitlochry 3157Who was had by a man in a rockery. 3158 She said, "Oh! You've come 3159 All over my bum; 3160This isn't a fuck -- it's a mockery." 3161% 3162There was a young girl of Rangoon 3163Who was blocked by the Man in the Moon. 3164 "Well, it has been great fun," 3165 She remarked when he'd done, 3166"But I'm sorry you came quite so soon." 3167% 3168There was a young girl of Spitzbergen, 3169Whose people all thought her a virgin, 3170 Till they found her in bed 3171 With her twat very red, 3172And the head of a kid just emergin'. 3173% 3174There was a young girl, very sweet, 3175Who thought sailors' meat quite a treat. 3176 When she sat on their lap 3177 She unbuttoned their flap, 3178And always had plenty to eat. 3179% 3180There was a young girl who begat 3181Three babies named Nat, Pat and Tat. 3182 T'was fun in the breeding 3183 But hell in the feeding 3184When she found there's no tit for Tat. 3185% 3186There was a young girl who begat 3187Three brats, by name Nat, Pat, and Tat. 3188 It was fun in the breeding, 3189 But hell in the feeding, 3190When she found there was no tit for Tat. 3191% 3192There was a young harlot from Kew 3193Who filled her vagina with glue. 3194 She said with a grin, 3195 "If they pay to get in, 3196They'll pay to get out of it too." 3197% 3198There was a young harlot named Schwartz 3199Whose cock-pit was studded with warts, 3200 And they tickled so nice 3201 She drew a high price 3202From the studs at the summer resorts. 3203 3204Her pimp, a young fellow named Biddle, 3205Was seldom hard up for a diddle, 3206 For according to rumor 3207 His tool had a tumor 3208And a fine row of warts down the middle. 3209% 3210There was a young hayseed from Tiffan 3211Whose cock would constantly stiffen. 3212 The knob out in front 3213 Attracted foul cunt 3214Which he greatly delighted in sniffin'. 3215% 3216There was a young idler named Blood, 3217Made a fortune performing at stud, 3218 With a fifteen-inch peter, 3219 A double-beat metre, 3220And a load like the Biblical Flood. 3221% 3222There was a young Jew of Far Rockaway 3223Whose screams could be heard for a block away. 3224 Perceiving his error, 3225 The Rabbi in terror 3226Cried, "God! I have cut his whole cock away!" 3227% 3228There was a young lad - name of Durcan 3229Who was always jerkin' his gherkin. 3230 His father said, "Durcan 3231 Stop jerkin' your gherkin 3232Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'. 3233% 3234There was a young lad from Nahant 3235Who was made like the Sensitve Plant. 3236 When asked, "Do you fuck?" 3237 He replied, "No such luck. 3238I would if I could but I can't." 3239% 3240There was a young lad from Siam, 3241Whose sexlife was caught in a jam. 3242 He loved them real small, 3243 'Cause they're funner to ball, 3244So he went out and bought him a lamb! 3245% 3246There was a young lad name of Durcan 3247Who was always jerkin' his gherkin. 3248 His father said, "Durcan! 3249 Stop jerkin' your gherkin! 3250Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'. 3251% 3252There was a young lad name of Ward 3253Who strung himself up with a cord 3254 Said he, of his work 3255 (Ere the rope snapped with a jerk) 3256"I am leaving because I am bored." 3257 -- E. A. Guest 3258% 3259There was a young lad named McFee 3260Who was stung in the balls by a bee 3261 He made oodles of money 3262 By oozing pure honey 3263Every time he attempted to pee. 3264% 3265There was a young lady at sea 3266Who complained that it hurt her to pee. 3267 Said the brawny old mate, 3268 "That accounts for the state 3269Of the cook and the captain and me." 3270% 3271There was a young lady at sea 3272Who said, "God, how it hurts me to pee." 3273 "I see," said the mate, 3274 "That accounts for the state 3275Of the captain, the purser, and me." 3276% 3277There was a young lady called Ciss 3278Who went to the river to piss. 3279 A young man in a punt 3280 Put his hand on her cunt; 3281No wonder she thought it was bliss. 3282% 3283There was a young lady from Bangor 3284Who slept while the ship lay at anchor 3285 She woke in dismay 3286 When she heard the mate say: 3287"Let's lift up the topsheet and spanker!" 3288% 3289There was a young lady from Bright, 3290Whose speed was much faster than light. 3291 She went out one day 3292 In a relative way 3293And returned on the previous night. 3294% 3295There was a young lady from Bristol 3296Who went to the Palace called Crystal. 3297 Said she, "It's all glass, 3298 And as round as my ass," 3299And she farted as loud as a pistol. 3300% 3301There was a young lady from Brussels 3302Who was proud of her vaginal muscles. 3303 She could easily plex them 3304 And so interflex them 3305As to whistle love songs through her bustles. 3306% 3307There was a young lady from Drew 3308Who ended her verse at line two. 3309% 3310There was a young lady from Dumfries 3311Who said to her boyfriend, "It's some freeze! 3312 My navel's all bare, 3313 So stick it in there, 3314Before both my legs and my bum freeze." 3315% 3316There was a young lady from Exeter, 3317So pretty that men craned their necks at her. 3318 One was even so brave 3319 As to take out and wave 3320The distinguishing mark of his sex at her. 3321% 3322There was a young lady from Hyde 3323Who ate a green apple and died. 3324 While her lover lamented 3325 The apple fermented 3326And made cider inside her inside. 3327% 3328There was a young lady from Maine 3329Who claimed she had men on her brain. 3330 But you knew from the view, 3331 As her abdomen grew, 3332It was not on her brain that he'd lain. 3333% 3334There was a young lady from Munich 3335Who had an affair with a eunuch. 3336 At the height of their passion 3337 He dealt her a ration 3338From a squirt gun concealed in his tunic. 3339% 3340There was a young lady from Norway 3341Who hung by her heels in a doorway. 3342 She told her young man, 3343 "Get off the divan, 3344I think I've discovered one more way" 3345% 3346There was a young lady from Prentice 3347Who had an affair with a dentist. 3348 To make things easier 3349 He used anesthesia, 3350And diddled her, `non compos mentis'. 3351% 3352There was a young lady from Rheims 3353Who amazingly pissed in four streams. 3354 A friend poked around 3355 And a fly-button found 3356Lodged tight in her hole so it seems. 3357% 3358There was a young lady from Rio 3359Who slept with the Fornier trio. 3360 As she dropped her panties 3361 She said, "No andantes, 3362I want this allegro con brio!" 3363% 3364There was a young lady from Siam 3365Who said to her lover, one Kiam, 3366 "You may kiss me of course, 3367 But you'll have to use force. 3368Though god knows you're stronger than I am." 3369% 3370There was a young lady from Spain 3371Who demurely undressed on a train. 3372 A helpful young porter 3373 Helped more than he orter, 3374And she promptly cried "Help me again" 3375% 3376There was a young lady from Spain 3377Who got sick as she rode on a train; 3378 Not once, but again, 3379 And again, and again, 3380And again, and again, and again. 3381% 3382There was a young lady from Spain 3383Whose face was exceedingly plain, 3384 But her cunt had a pucker 3385 That made the men fuck her, 3386Again, and again, and again. 3387% 3388There was a young lady from Troy 3389Had a moustache, just like a young boy 3390 Though it tickled to kiss 3391 'Twas a source of much bliss 3392When she used it to brush a man's toy. 3393% 3394There was a young lady from Wheeling 3395Who claimed to lack sexual feeling. 3396 But a cynic named Boris 3397 Just touched her clitoris 3398And she had to be scraped off the ceiling. 3399% 3400There was a young lady from Wheeling 3401Who had a peculiar feeling. 3402 She laid on her back 3403 And tickled her crack 3404And pissed all over the ceiling. 3405% 3406There was a young lady from Wooster 3407Who complained that too many men gooster. 3408 So she traded her scanties 3409 For sandpaper panties, 3410Now they goose her much less than they used 'ter. 3411% 3412There was a young lady in Reno, 3413Who lost all her dough playing Keno. 3414 But she lay on her back, 3415 And opened her crack, 3416So now she owns the Casino! 3417% 3418There was a young lady named Alice 3419Who was known to have peed in a chalice. 3420 'Twas the common belief 3421 It was done for relief, 3422And not out of protestant malice. 3423% 3424There was a young lady named Astor 3425Who never let any get past her. 3426 She finally got plenty 3427 By stopping twenty, 3428Which certainly ought to last her. 3429% 3430There was a young lady named Banker, 3431Who slept while the ship lay at anchor, 3432 She woke in dismay, 3433 When she heard the mate say, 3434"Now hoist up the topsheet and spanker." 3435% 3436There was a young lady named Blount 3437Who had a rectangular cunt. 3438 She learned for diversion 3439 Posterior perversion, 3440Since no one could fit here in front. 3441% 3442There was a young lady named Bower 3443Who dwelt in an Ivory Tower. 3444 But a poet from Perth 3445 Laid her flat on the earth, 3446And proceeded with penis to plough her. 3447% 3448There was a young lady named Brent 3449With a cunt of enormous extent, 3450 And so deep and so wide, 3451 The acoustics inside 3452Were so good you could hear when you spent. 3453% 3454There was a young lady named Bright 3455Who could travel much faster than light. 3456 She took off one day, 3457 In a relative way, 3458And returned on the previous night. 3459% 3460There was a young lady named Brook 3461Who never could learn how to cook. 3462 But on a divan 3463 She could please any man- 3464She knew every darn trick in the book! 3465% 3466There was a young lady named Cager 3467Who, as the result of a wager, 3468 Consented to fart 3469 The entire oboe part 3470Of Mozart's quartet in F major. 3471% 3472There was a young lady named Ciss 3473Who said, "I think skating's a bliss" 3474 But she'll never restate, 3475 For a wheel off her skate 3476.siht ekil gnihtemos pu hsinif reh edaM 3477% 3478There was a young lady named Clair 3479Who possessed a magnificent pair; 3480 At least so I thought 3481 Till I saw one get caught 3482On a thorn, and begin losing air. 3483% 3484There was a young lady named Dot 3485Whose cunt was so terribly hot 3486 That ten bishops of Rome 3487 And the Pope's private gnome 3488Failed to quench her Vesuvial twat. 3489% 3490There was a young lady named Duff 3491With a lovely, luxuriant muff. 3492 In his haste to get in her 3493 One eager beginner 3494Lost both of his balls in the rough. 3495% 3496There was a young lady named Etta 3497Who was constantly seen in a swetta. 3498 Three reasons she had: 3499 To keep warm wasn't bad, 3500But the other two reasons were betta. 3501% 3502There was a young lady named Fleager 3503Who was terribly, terribly eager 3504 To be all the rage 3505 On the tragedy stage, 3506Though her talents were pitifully meagre. 3507 -- Edward Gorey 3508% 3509There was a young lady named Flo 3510Whose lover had pulled out too slow. 3511 So they tried it all night, 3512 Till he got it just right... 3513Well, practice makes pregnant, you know. 3514% 3515There was a young lady named Flynn 3516Who thought fornication a sin, 3517 But when she was tight 3518 It seemed quite all right, 3519So everyone filled her with gin. 3520% 3521There was a young lady named Gilda 3522Who went on a date with a builder. 3523 He said that he would, 3524 And he could and he should, 3525And he did and it damn well near killed her. 3526% 3527There was a young lady named Gloria 3528Who was had by Sir Gerald Du Maurier, 3529 And then by six men, 3530 Sir Gerald again, 3531And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria. 3532% 3533There was a young lady named Gloria, 3534Whose boyfriend said, "May I explore ya?" 3535 She replied to the chap, 3536 "I'll draw you a map, 3537Of where others have been to before ya." 3538% 3539There was a young lady named Grace 3540Who would not take a prick in her "place." 3541 Though she'd kiss it and suck it, 3542 She never would fuck it-- 3543She just couldn't relax face-to-face. 3544% 3545There was a young lady named Hall, 3546Wore a newspaper dress to a ball. 3547 The dress caught on fire 3548 And burned her entire 3549Front page, sporting section, and all. 3550% 3551There was a young lady named Hatch 3552Who would always come through in a scratch. 3553 If a guy wouldn't neck her, 3554 She'd grab up his pecker 3555And shove the damn thing up her snatch. 3556% 3557There was a young lady named Mable 3558Who liked to sprawl out on the table, 3559 Then cry to her man, 3560 "Stuff in all you can -- 3561Get your ballocks in, too, if you're able." 3562% 3563There was a young lady named Mandel 3564Who caused quite a neighborhood scandal 3565 By coming out bare 3566 On the main village square 3567And frigging herself with a candle. 3568% 3569There was a young lady named Maud, 3570A terrible society fraud: 3571 In company, I'm told, 3572 She was distant and cold, 3573But if you got her alone, Oh God! 3574% 3575There was a young lady named May 3576Who strolled in a park by the way, 3577 And she met a young man 3578 Who fucked her and ran -- 3579Now she goes to the park every day. 3580% 3581There was a young lady named Nance 3582Who learned about fucking in France, 3583 And when you'd insert it 3584 She'd squeeze till she hurt it, 3585And shoved it right back in your pants. 3586% 3587There was a young lady named Nelly 3588Whose tits would jiggle like jelly. 3589 They could tickle her twat 3590 Or be tied in a knot, 3591And could even swat flies on her belly. 3592% 3593There was a young lady named Ransom 3594Who was raped three times in a hansom 3595 When she cried out for more 3596 Said a voice from the floor, 3597"My name, ma'am, is Simpson, not Samson 3598% 3599There was a young lady named Ransom 3600Who was rogered three times in a hansom. 3601 When she cried out for more 3602 A voice from the floor 3603Replied, "My name is Simpson, not Samson." 3604% 3605There was a young lady named Riddle 3606Who had an untouchable middle. 3607 She had many friends 3608 Because of her ends, 3609Since it isn't the middle you diddle. 3610% 3611There was a young lady named Rose 3612Who fainted whenever she chose; 3613 She did so one day 3614 While playing croquet, 3615But was quickly revived with a hose. 3616 -- Edward Gorey 3617% 3618There was a young lady named Rose 3619With erogenous zones in her toes. 3620 She remained onanistic 3621 Till a foot-fetishistic 3622Young man became one of her beaux. 3623% 3624There was a young lady named Schneider 3625Who often kept trysts with a spider. 3626 She found a strange bliss, 3627 In the hiss of her piss, 3628As it strained through the cobwebs inside her. 3629% 3630There was a young lady named Smith 3631Whose virtue was largely a myth. 3632 She said, "Try as I can 3633 I can't find a man 3634Who it's fun to be virtuous with." 3635% 3636There was a young lady named Twiss 3637Who said she thought fucking a bliss, 3638 For it tickled her bum 3639 And caused her to come 3640.siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW 3641% 3642There was a young lady named Wylde 3643Who kept herself quite undefiled 3644 By thinking of Jesus; 3645 Contagious diseases; 3646And the bother of having a child. 3647% 3648There was a young lady of Arden, 3649The tool of whose swain wouldn't harden. 3650 Said she with a frown, 3651 "I've been sadly let down 3652By the tool of a fool in a garden." 3653% 3654There was a young lady of Bicester 3655Who was nicer by far than her sister: 3656 The sister would giggle 3657 And wiggle and jiggle, 3658But this one would come if you kissed her. 3659% 3660There was a young lady of Brabant 3661Who slept with an impotent savant. 3662 She admitted, "We shouldn't, 3663 But it turned out he couldn't- 3664So you can't say we have when we haven't." 3665% 3666There was a young lady of Bude 3667Who walked down the street in the nude. 3668 A bobby said, "Whattum 3669 Magnificent bottom!" 3670And slapped it as hard as he could. 3671% 3672There was a young lady of Carmia 3673Whose housekeeping ways would alarm ya. 3674 At every cold snap 3675 She would climb in your lab, 3676So her little base burner could warm ya. 3677% 3678There was a young lady of Dee 3679Who went down to the river to pee. 3680 A man in a punt 3681 Put his hand on her cunt, 3682And God! how I wish it were me. 3683% 3684There was a young lady of Dee 3685Whose hymen was split into three. 3686 And when she was diddled 3687 The middle string fiddled: 3688"Nearer My God To Thee." 3689% 3690There was a young lady of Dexter 3691Whose husband exceedingly vexed her, 3692 For whenever they'd start 3693 He'd unfailingly fart 3694With a blast that damn nearly unsexed her. 3695% 3696There was a young lady of Dover 3697Whose passion was such that it drove her 3698 To cry, when you came, 3699 "Oh dear! What a shame! 3700Well, now we shall have to start over." 3701% 3702There was a young lady of Ealing 3703And her lover before her was kneeling. 3704 Said she, "Dearest Jim, 3705 Take your hands off my quim; 3706I much prefer fucking to feeling." 3707% 3708There was a young lady of fashion 3709Who had oodles and oodles of passion. 3710 To her lover she said, 3711 As they climbed into bed, 3712"Here's one thing the bastards can't ration!" 3713% 3714There was a young lady of Fez 3715Who was known to the public as "Jez." 3716 Jezebel was her name, 3717 Sucking cocks was the game 3718She excelled at (so everyone says). 3719% 3720There was a young lady of Gaza 3721Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor. 3722 The crabs, in a lump, 3723 Made tracks to her rump-- 3724This passing parade did amaze her. 3725% 3726There was a young lady of Gloucester, 3727Met a passionate fellow who tossed her. 3728 She wasn't much hurt, 3729 But he dirtied her skirt, 3730So think of the anguish it cost her. 3731% 3732There was a young lady of Gloucester 3733Whose friends they thought they had lost her 3734 Till they found on the grass 3735 The marks of her arse, 3736And the knees of the man who had crossed her. 3737% 3738There was a young lady of Kent, 3739Who admitted she knew what it meant 3740 When men asked her to dine, 3741 And plied her with wine, 3742She knew, oh she knew -- but she went! 3743% 3744There was a young lady of Lee 3745Who scrambled up into a tree, 3746 When she got there 3747 Her arsehole was bare, 3748And so was her C U N T. 3749% 3750There was a young lady of Lincoln 3751Who said that her cunt was a pink'un, 3752 So she had a prick lent her 3753 Which turned it magenta, 3754This artful old lady of Lincoln. 3755% 3756There was a young lady of Natchez 3757Who chanced to be born with two snatches, 3758 And she often said, "Shit! 3759 Why, I'd give either tit 3760For a man with equipment that matches." 3761 3762There was a young fellow named Locke 3763Who was born with a two-headed cock. 3764 When he'd fondle the thing 3765 It would rise up and sing 3766An antiphonal chorus by Bach. 3767 3768But whether these two ever met 3769Has not been recorded as yet, 3770 Still, it would be diverting 3771 To see him inserting 3772His whang while it sang a duet. 3773% 3774There was a young lady of Norway 3775Who hung by her toes in a doorway. 3776 She said to her beau 3777 "Just look at me Joe 3778I think I've discovered one more way." 3779% 3780There was a young lady of Rhyll 3781In an omnibus was taken ill, 3782 So she called the conductor, 3783 Who got in and fucked her, 3784Which did more good than a pill. 3785% 3786There was a young lady of Spain 3787Who took down her pants on a train. 3788 There was a young porter 3789 Saw more than he orter, 3790And asked her to do it again. 3791% 3792There was a young lady of Spain 3793Who was fucked by a monk in a drain. 3794 They did it again 3795 And again and again, 3796And again and again and again. 3797% 3798There was a young lady of Twickenham 3799Who thought men had not enough prick in 'em. 3800 On her knees every day 3801 To God she would pray 3802To lengthen and strengthen and thicken 'em. 3803% 3804There was a young lady of Wheeling 3805Said to her beau, "I've a feeling 3806 My little brown jug 3807 Has need of a plug" -- 3808And straightaway she started to peeling. 3809% 3810There was a young lady of Wheeling 3811Who professed to lack sexual feeling. 3812 But a cynic named Boris 3813 Just touched her clitoris, 3814And she had to be scraped off the ceiling. 3815% 3816There was a young lady who said, 3817As her bridegroom got into the bed, 3818 "I'm tired of this stunt, 3819 That they do with one's cunt, 3820You can get up my bottom instead." 3821% 3822There was a young lady whose cunt 3823Could accommodate a small punt. 3824 Her mother said, "Annie, 3825 It matches your fanny, 3826Which never was that of a runt." 3827% 3828There was a young lady whose thighs, 3829When spread showed a slit of such size, 3830 And so deep and so wide, 3831 You could play cards inside, 3832Much to her bridegroom's surprise. 3833% 3834There was a young lass from Surat. 3835The cheeks of her ass were so fat 3836 That they had to be parted 3837 Whenever she farted, 3838And also whenever she shat. 3839% 3840There was a young laundress named Wrangle 3841Whose tits tilted up at an angle. 3842 "They may tickle my chin," 3843 She said with a grin, 3844"But at least they keep out of the mangle." 3845% 3846There was a young maiden from Osset 3847Whose quim was nine inches across it. 3848 Said a young man named Tong, 3849 With tool nine inches long, 3850"I'll put bugger-in if I loss it." 3851% 3852There was a young man from Bear Ridge 3853Who had strange ideas about marriage. 3854 He fucked his wife's mother 3855 And sucked off her brother 3856And ate up her sister's miscarriage. 3857% 3858There was a young man from Bel-Aire 3859Who was screwing his girl on the stair. 3860 But the banister broke 3861 So he doubled his stroke 3862And finished her off in mid-air. 3863% 3864There was a young man from Bengal 3865Who claimed he had only one ball, 3866 But two little bitches 3867 Pulled down this man's breeches 3868And proved he had nothing at all. 3869% 3870There was a young man from Biloxi 3871Whose bowels responded to Moxie. 3872 Drinking glass after glass, 3873 He would tune up his ass, 3874Till he played like the band at the Roxy. 3875% 3876There was a young man from Bombay 3877Who fashioned a cunt out of clay 3878 But the heat of his prick 3879 Turned it into a brick 3880And rubbed all his foreskin away. 3881% 3882There was a young man from Boston 3883Who rode around in an Austin. 3884 There was room for his ass 3885 And a gallon of gas, 3886But his balls hung out and he lost 'em. 3887% 3888There was a young man from Calcutta 3889Who was heard in his beard to mutter, 3890 "If her Bartholin glands 3891 Don't respond to my hands, 3892I'm afraid I shall have to use butter." 3893% 3894There was a young man from Dallas 3895Who had an exceptional phallus. 3896 He couldn't find room 3897 In any girl's womb 3898Without rubbing it first with Vitalis. 3899% 3900There was a young man from Dundee 3901Who buggered an ape in a tree. 3902 The results were quite horrid: 3903 All ass and no forehead, 3904Three balls and a purple goatee. 3905% 3906There was a young man from East Lizes 3907Whose balls were of two different sizes 3908 One was so small 3909 It was no ball at all 3910The other was large and won prizes. 3911% 3912There was a young man from East Wubley 3913Whose cock was bifurcated doubly. 3914 Each quadruplicate shaft 3915 Had two balls hanging aft, 3916And the general effect was quite lovely. 3917 3918There was a young man from Hong Kong 3919Who had a trifurcated prong: 3920 A small one for sucking, 3921 A large one for fucking, 3922And a `boney' for beating a gong. 3923% 3924There was a young man from Glengozzle 3925Who found a remarkable fossil. 3926 He knew by the bend 3927 And the wart on the end, 3928'Twas the peter of Paul the Apostle. 3929% 3930There was a young man from Jodhpur 3931Who found he could easily cure 3932 His dread diabetes 3933 By eating a foetus 3934Served up in a sauce of manure. 3935% 3936There was a young man from Kent 3937Whose tool was so long that it bent. 3938 To save himself trouble 3939 He put it in double 3940And instead of coming, he went. 3941% 3942There was a young man from Lynn 3943Whose cock was the size of a pin. 3944 Said his girl with a laugh 3945 As she felt his staff, 3946"This won't be much of a sin." 3947% 3948There was a young man from Maine 3949Whose prick was as strong as a crane; 3950 It was almost as long, 3951 So he strolled with his dong 3952Extended in sunshine and rain. 3953% 3954There was a young man from Nantucket 3955Whose cock was so long he could suck it. 3956 But he looked in the glass, 3957 And saw his own ass, 3958And broke his neck trying to fuck it. 3959% 3960There was a young man from New Haven 3961Who had an affair with a raven. 3962 He said with a grin 3963 As he wiped off his chin, 3964"Nevermore!" 3965% 3966There was a young man from Peru, 3967Who took a long trip by canoe. 3968 While staring at Venus, 3969 And rubbing his penis, 3970He wound up with a handful of goo. 3971% 3972There was a young man from Purdue 3973Who was only just learning to screw, 3974 But he hadn't the knack, 3975 And he got too far back -- 3976In the right church, but in the wrong pew. 3977% 3978There was a young man from Racine 3979Who invented a fucking machine. 3980 Concave or convex, 3981 It served either sex, 3982But oh what a bitch to keep clean. 3983% 3984There was a young man from Rangoon 3985Who used to lament 'neath the moon 3986 That he had the luck 3987 To be born of a fuck 3988That was scraped off the sheets with a spoon. 3989% 3990There was a young man from Salinas 3991Who had an extremely long penis: 3992 Believe it or not, 3993 When he lay on his cot 3994It reached from Marin to Martinez. 3995% 3996There was a young man from Seattle 3997Whose testicles tended to rattle. 3998 He said as he fuck-ed 3999 Some stones in a bucket, 4000"If Stravinsky won't deafen you -- that'll." 4001% 4002There was a young man from Siam 4003Who said, "I go in with a wham, 4004 But I soon lose my starch 4005 Like the mad month of March, 4006And the lion comes out like a lamb." 4007% 4008There was a young man from St. Paul's 4009Who read "Harper's Bazaar" and "McCall's" 4010 Till he grew such a passion 4011 For feminine fashion 4012That he knitted a snood for his balls. 4013% 4014There was a young man from Stamboul 4015Who boasted so torrid a tool 4016 That each female crater 4017 Explored by this satyr 4018Seemed almost unpleasantly cool. 4019% 4020There was a young man from Tibet- 4021And this is the strangest one yet- 4022 Whose tool was so long, 4023 So pointed and strong, 4024He could bugger six Greeks "en brochette". 4025% 4026There was a young man in Havana, 4027Banged his girl on a player-piana. 4028 At the height of their fever 4029 Her ass hit the lever 4030And: yes, he has no banana. 4031% 4032There was a young man in Norway, 4033Tried to jerk himself off in a sleigh, 4034 But the air was so frigid 4035 It froze his cock rigid, 4036And all he could come was frappe. 4037% 4038There was a young man in the choir 4039Whose penis rose higher and higher, 4040 Till it reached such a height 4041 It was quite out of sight -- 4042But of course you know I'm a liar. 4043% 4044There was a young man, name of Fred, 4045Who spent every Thursday in bed; 4046 He lay with his feet 4047 Outside of the sheet, 4048And the pillows on top of his head. 4049 -- Edward Gorey 4050% 4051There was a young man, name of Saul, 4052Who was able to bounce either ball, 4053 He could stretch them and snap them, 4054 And juggle and clap them, 4055Which earned him the plaudits of all. 4056% 4057There was a young man named Crockett 4058Whose balls got caught in a socket. 4059 His wife was a bitch 4060 So she threw the switch, 4061And Crockett went off like a rocket. 4062% 4063There was a young man named Hughes 4064Who swore off all kinds of booze. 4065 He said, "When I'm muddled 4066 My senses get fuddled, 4067And I pass up too many screws." 4068% 4069There was a young man named Knute 4070Who had warts all over his root. 4071 He put acid on these 4072 And now when he pees, 4073He fingers the thing like a flute. 4074% 4075There was a young man named Laplace 4076Whose balls were made out of spun glass. 4077 When they banged together 4078 They played "Stormy Weather" 4079And lightning shot out of his ass. 4080% 4081There was a young man named McNamiter 4082With a tool of prodigious diameter. 4083 But it wasn't the size 4084 Gave the girls a surprise, 4085But his rythm -- iambic pentameter. 4086% 4087There was a young man named Rex 4088Who really was small for his sex. 4089 When tried for exposure 4090 The judge's disclosure 4091Was "de minimus non curat lex." 4092% 4093There was a young man named Zerubbabel 4094Who had only one real, and one rubber ball. 4095 When they asked if his pleasure 4096 Was only half measure, 4097He replied, "That is highly improbable." 4098% 4099There was a young man named Zerubbabub 4100Who belonged to the Block, Fuck & Bugger Club 4101 But the pride of his life 4102 Were the tits of his wife -- 4103One real, and one India-rubber bub. 4104% 4105There was a young man of Arras 4106Who stretched himself out on the grass, 4107 And with no little trouble, 4108 He bent himself double, 4109And stuck his prick well up his ass. 4110% 4111There was a young man of Australia 4112Who went on a wild bacchanalia. 4113 He buggered a frog, 4114 Two mice and a dog, 4115And a bishop in fullest regalia. 4116% 4117There was a young man of Belgrade 4118Who remarked, "I'm a queer piece of trade. 4119 I will suck, without charge, 4120 Any cock, if it's large. 4121If it's small, I expect to be paid." 4122% 4123There was a young man of Belgrade 4124Who slept with a girl in the trade. 4125 She said to him, "Jack, 4126 Try the hole in the back; 4127The front one is badly decayed." 4128% 4129There was a young man of Bengal 4130Who swore he had only one ball, 4131 But two little bitches 4132 Unbuttoned his britches, 4133And found he had no balls at all. 4134% 4135There was a young man of Bombay 4136Who buggered his dad once a day. 4137 He said, "I like, rather, 4138 Fucking my father -- 4139He's clean, and there's nothing to pay." 4140% 4141There was a young man of Calcutta, 4142Who tried to write "cunt" on a shutter. 4143 When he got to c-u, 4144 A pious Hindoo 4145Knocked him ass-over-head in the gutter. 4146% 4147There was a young man of Cape Horn 4148Who wished he had never been born, 4149 And he wouldn't have been 4150 If his father had seen 4151That the end of the rubber was torn. 4152% 4153There was a young man of Coblenz 4154Whose ballocks were simply immense: 4155 It took forty-four draymen, 4156 A priest and three laymen 4157To carry them thither and thence. 4158% 4159There was a young man of Darjeeling 4160Whose cock reached up to the ceiling. 4161 In the electric light socket, 4162 He'd put it and rock it-- 4163Oh God! What a wonderful feeling! 4164% 4165There was a young man of Devizes 4166Whose balls were of different sizes. 4167 His tool when at ease, 4168 Hung down to his knees, 4169Oh, what must it be when it rises! 4170% 4171There was a young man of Devizes, 4172Whose balls were of different sizes. 4173 One was so small, 4174 It was nothing at all; 4175The other took numerous prizes. 4176% 4177There was a young man of Dumfries 4178Who said to his girl, "If you please, 4179 It would give me great bliss 4180 If, while playing with this, 4181You would pay some attention to these!" 4182% 4183There was a young man of Greenwich 4184Whose balls were all covered with spinach. 4185 So long was his tool 4186 That it wound round a spool, 4187And he let it out inach by inach. 4188% 4189There was a young man of high station 4190Who was found by a pious relation 4191 Making love in a ditch 4192 To -- I won't say a bitch -- 4193But a woman of no reputation. 4194% 4195There was a young man of Khartoum, 4196The strength of whose balls was his doom. 4197 So strong was his shootin', 4198 The third law of Newton 4199Propelled the poor chap to the Moon. 4200% 4201There was a young man of Khartoum 4202Who lured a poor girl to her doom. 4203 He not only fucked her, 4204 But buggered and sucked her-- 4205And left her to pay for the room. 4206% 4207There was a young man of Kildare 4208Who was fucking a girl on the stair. 4209 The bannister broke, 4210 But he doubled his stroke 4211And finished her off in mid-air. 4212% 4213There was a young man of Kutki 4214Who could blink himself off with one eye. 4215 For a while though, he pined, 4216 When his organ declined 4217To function, because of a stye. 4218% 4219There was a young man of Lahore 4220Whose prick was one inch and no more. 4221 It was all right for key-holes 4222 And little girl's pee-holes, 4223But not worth a damn with a whore. 4224% 4225There was a young man of Lake Placid 4226Whose prick was lethargic and flaccid. 4227 When he wanted to sport 4228 He would have to resort 4229To injections of sulphuric acid. 4230% 4231There was a young man of Madras 4232Whose balls were constructed of brass. 4233 When jangled together 4234 They played "Stormy Weather", 4235And lightning shot out of his ass. 4236% 4237There was a young man of Missouri 4238Who fucked with a terrible fury. 4239 Till hauled into court 4240 For his beastial sport, 4241And condemned by a poorly-hung jury. 4242% 4243There was a young man of Natal 4244And Sue was the name of his gal. 4245 One day, north of Aden, 4246 He got his hard rod in, 4247And came clear up Suez Canal. 4248% 4249There was a young man of Natal 4250Who was fucking a Hottentot gal. 4251 Said she, "You're a sluggard!" 4252 Said he, "You be buggered! 4253I like to fuck slow and I shall." 4254% 4255There was a young man of Ostend 4256Who let a girl play with his end. 4257 She took hold of Rover, 4258 And felt it all over, 4259And it did what she didn't intend. 4260% 4261There was a young man of Ostend 4262Whose wife caught him fucking her friend. 4263 "It's no use, my duck, 4264 Interrupting our fuck, 4265For I'm damned if I draw till I spend." 4266% 4267There was a young man of Saskatchewan, 4268Whose penis was truly gargantuan. 4269 It was good for large whores, 4270 And for small dinosaurs, 4271And was rough enough to scratch a match upon. 4272% 4273There was a young man of Seattle 4274Who bested a bull in a battle. 4275 With fire and gumption 4276 He assumed the bull's function, 4277And deflowered a whole herd of cattle. 4278% 4279There was a young man of St. John's 4280Who wanted to bugger the swans. 4281 But the loyal hall porter 4282 Said, "Pray take my daughter! 4283Those birds are reserved for the dons." 4284% 4285There was a young man of Tibet 4286-- And this is the strangest one yet -- 4287 His prick was so long, 4288 And so pointed and strong, 4289He could bugger six sheep en brochette. 4290% 4291There was a young man of Toulouse 4292Who had a deficient prepuce, 4293 But the foreskin he lacked 4294 He made up in his sac; 4295The result was, his balls were too loose. 4296% 4297There was a young man who appeared 4298To his friends with a full growth of beard; 4299 They at once said, "Although 4300 We can't say why it's so, 4301The effect is uncommonly weird." 4302 -- Edward Gorey 4303% 4304There was a young man who said "God, 4305I find it exceedingly odd, 4306 That the willow oak tree 4307 Continues to be, 4308When there's no one about in the Quad." 4309 4310"Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd, 4311For I'm always about in the Quad; 4312 And that's why the tree, 4313 Continues to be," 4314Signed "Yours faithfully, God." 4315% 4316There was a young man with a fiddle 4317Who asked of his girl, "Do you diddle?" 4318 She replied, "Yes, I do, 4319 But prefer to with two -- 4320It's twice as much fun in the middle." 4321% 4322There was a young man with a prick 4323Which into his wife he would stick 4324 Every morning and night 4325 If it stood up all right -- 4326Not a very remarkable trick. 4327 4328His wife had a nice little cunt: 4329It was hairy, and soft, and in front, 4330 And with this she would fuck him, 4331 Though sometimes she'd suck him -- 4332A charming, if commonplace, stunt. 4333% 4334There was a young man with one foot 4335Who had a very long root. 4336 If he used this peg 4337 As an extra leg 4338Is a question exceedingly moot. 4339% 4340There was a young miss from Johore 4341Who'd lie on a mat on the floor; 4342 In a manner uncanny 4343 She'd wobble her fanny, 4344And drain your nuts dry to the core. 4345% 4346There was a young monk from Siberia 4347Whose life got drearia' and drearia' 4348 Till he did to a nun 4349 What shouldn't be done 4350And made her a mother superia'. 4351% 4352There was a young monk from Tibet 4353And this is the damnedest one yet 4354 His cock was so long 4355 And incredibly strong 4356That he buggered six Greeks en brochette. 4357% 4358There was a young monk in Siberia, 4359Whose morals were very inferior, 4360 He jumped on a nun 4361 Which he shouldn't have done, 4362And now she's a Mother Superior. 4363% 4364There was a young monk of Dundee 4365Who complained that it hurt him to pee, 4366 He said, "Pax vobiscum, 4367 Now why won't the piss come? 4368I'm afraid I've the c-l-a-p." 4369% 4370There was a young parson of Harwich, 4371Tried to grind his betrothed in a carriage. 4372 She said, "No, you young goose, 4373 Just try self-abuse. 4374And the other we'll try after marriage." 4375% 4376There was a young peasant named Gorse 4377Who fell madly in love with his horse. 4378 Said his wife, "You rapscallion, 4379 That horse is a stallion -- 4380This constitutes grounds for divorce." 4381% 4382There was a young person of Kent 4383Who was famous wherever he went. 4384 All the way through a fuck, 4385 He would quack like a duck, 4386And he crowed like a cock when he spent. 4387% 4388There was a young physicist named Fisk 4389Whose lovemaking was rather brisk. 4390 So quick was his action, 4391 The Lorentz Contraction 4392Shortened his rod to a disc! 4393% 4394There was a young plumber named Lee 4395Who was plumbing his girl by the sea. 4396 She said, "Stop your plumbing, 4397 There's somebody coming" 4398Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me." 4399% 4400There was a young poet named Dan, 4401Whose poetry never would scan. 4402 When told this was so, 4403 He said, "Yes, I know, 4404It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can." 4405% 4406There was a young royal marine, 4407Who tried to fart "God Save the Queen". 4408 When he reached the soprano 4409 Out came only guano 4410And his britches weren't fit to be seen. 4411% 4412There was a young sailor from Brighton, 4413Who remarked to his girl, "You're a tight one." 4414 She replied, "'Pon my soul, 4415 You're in the wrong hole; 4416There's plenty of room in the right one." 4417% 4418There was a young sapphic named Anna 4419Who stuffed her friend's cunt with banana, 4420 Which she sucked, bit by bit, 4421 From her partner's warm slit, 4422In the most approved lesbian manner. 4423% 4424There was a young Scot in Madrid 4425Who got fifty-five fucks for a quid. 4426 When they said, "Are you faint?" 4427 He replied, "No, I ain't, 4428But I don't feel as good as I did." 4429% 4430There was a young soldier from Munich 4431Whose penis hung down past his tunic, 4432 And their chops girls would lick 4433 When they thought of his prick, 4434But alas! he was only a eunuch. 4435% 4436There was a young sportsman named Peel 4437Who went for a trip on his wheel; 4438 He pedalled for days 4439 Through crepuscular haze, 4440And returned feeling somewhat unreal. 4441 -- Edward Gorey 4442% 4443There was a young squaw of Wohunt 4444Who possessed a collapsible cunt. 4445 It had many odd uses, 4446 Produced no papooses, 4447And fitted both giant and runt. 4448% 4449There was a young student from Yale 4450Who was getting his first piece of tail. 4451 He shoved in his pole, 4452 But in the wrong hole, 4453And a voice from beneath yelled: "No sale!" 4454% 4455There was a young trollop at Yale, 4456Who had verses tattooed on her tail, 4457 And on her behind, 4458 For the sake of the blind, 4459A duplicate version in Braille. 4460% 4461There was a young whore from Kaloo 4462Who filled her vagina with glue. 4463 She said with a grin, 4464 "If they pay to get in, 4465They can pay to get out again too!" 4466% 4467There was a young woman called Pearl 4468Who quite resembled a churl; 4469 When she asked a young man named Tex 4470 Whether he would like to have sex, 4471"Certainly," quoth he, "Who's the girl?" 4472% 4473There was a young woman from Bude, 4474Who went for a swim in the nude, 4475 But a man in a punt, 4476 Grabbed at her elbow, 4477And said "Hey, lady, you can't swim here, it's private property." 4478% 4479There was a young woman in Dee 4480Who stayed with each man she did see. 4481 When it came to a test 4482 She wished to be best, 4483And practice makes perfect, you see. 4484% 4485There was a young woman named Alice 4486Who peed in a Catholic chalice. 4487 She said, "I do this 4488 From a great need to piss, 4489And not from sectarian malice." 4490% 4491There was a young woman named Ells 4492Who was subject to curious spells 4493 When got up very oddly, 4494 She'd cry out things ungodly 4495by the palms in expensive hotels. 4496 -- Edward Gorey 4497% 4498There was a young woman named Florence 4499Who for fucking professed an abhorrence, 4500 But they found her in bed 4501 With her cunt flaming red, 4502And her poodle-dog spending in torrents. 4503% 4504There was a young woman named Plunnery 4505Who rejoiced in the practice of gunnery. 4506 Till one day unobservant, 4507 She blew up a servant, 4508And was forced to retire to a nunnery. 4509 -- Edward Gorey 4510% 4511There was a young woman named Sutton 4512Who said, as she carved up the mutton, 4513 "My father preferred 4514 The last sheep in the herd -- 4515This is one of his children I'm cuttin'." 4516% 4517There was a young woman of Cheadle, 4518Who once gave the clap to a beadle. 4519 Said she, "Does it itch?" 4520 "It does, you damned bitch, 4521And it burns like hell-fire when I peedle." 4522% 4523There was a young woman of Condover 4524Whose husband had ceased to be fond of 'er. 4525 Her pussy was juicy, 4526 Her arse soft and goosey, 4527But peroxide had now made a blonde of 'er. 4528% 4529There was a young woman of Croft 4530Who played with herself in a loft, 4531 Having reasoned that candles 4532 Could never cause scandals, 4533Besides which they did not go soft. 4534 4535Said another young woman of Croft, 4536Amusing herself in the loft, 4537 "A salami or wurst 4538 Is what I'd choose first -- 4539With bologna you know you've been boffed." 4540% 4541There was a young woman, quite handsome, 4542Who got stuck in a sleeping room transom. 4543 When she offered much gold 4544 For release, she was told 4545That the view was worth more than the ransom. 4546% 4547There was a young woman whose stammer 4548Was atrocious, and so was her grammar; 4549 But they were not improved 4550 When her husband was moved 4551To knock out her teeth with a hammer. 4552 -- Edward Gorey 4553% 4554There was an old abbess quite shocked 4555To find nuns where the candles were locked. 4556 Said the abbess, "You nuns 4557 Should behave more like guns, 4558And never go off till you're cocked." 4559% 4560There was an old bishop from Buckingham 4561Who fell in love with some oysters while shucking 'em. 4562 His wife with distain 4563 Could scarcely restrain 4564That sprightly old bishop from * * *. 4565% 4566There was an old count of Swoboda 4567Who would not pay a whore what he owed her. 4568 So, with great savoir-faire, 4569 She stood on a chair 4570And pissed in his whiskey-and-soda. 4571% 4572There was an old curate of Hestion 4573Who'd erect at the slightest suggestion. 4574 But so small was his tool 4575 He could scarce screw a spool, 4576And a cunt was quite out of the question. 4577% 4578There was an old fellow named Art 4579Who awoke with a horrible start, 4580 For down by his rump 4581 Was a generous lump 4582Of what should have been just a fart. 4583% 4584There was an old fellow named Skinner 4585Whose prick, his wife said, had grown thinner. 4586 But still, by and large, 4587 It would always discharge 4588Once he could just get it in her. 4589% 4590There was an old feminine blighter 4591Who trained a Chow dog to delight her. 4592 She would cream her own pool 4593 While she sucked off his tool -- 4594How his cock in her cunt would excite her! 4595% 4596There was an old gent from Kentuck 4597Who boasted a filigreed schmuck, 4598 But he put it away 4599 For fear that one day 4600He might put it in and get stuck. 4601% 4602There was an old girl of Kilkenny 4603Whose usual charge was a penny. 4604 For half of that sum 4605 You could finger her bum-- 4606A source of amusement to many. 4607% 4608There was an old harlot from Dijon 4609Who in her old age got religion. 4610 "When I'm dead & gone," 4611 Said she, "I'll take on 4612The Father, the Son, and the Pigeon." 4613% 4614There was an old hermit named Dave 4615Who kept a dead whore in his cave. 4616 He said "I'll admit 4617 I'm a bit of a shit, 4618But look at the money I save." 4619% 4620There was an old lady of Bingly 4621Who wailed, "I do hate to sleep singly. 4622 I thought I had got 4623 A bloke for my twat, 4624But he seems rather queenly than kingly." 4625% 4626There was an old lady of Glascow, 4627Whose party proved quite a fiasco. 4628 At nine-thirty, about, 4629 The lights all went out, 4630Through a lapse on the part of the Gas Co. 4631% 4632There was an old lady of Kewry 4633Whose cunt was a `lusus naturae': 4634 The `introitus vaginae', 4635 Was unnaturally tiny, 4636And the thought of it filled her with fury. 4637% 4638There was an old lady who lay 4639With her legs wide apart in the hay, 4640 Then, calling the ploughman, 4641 She said, "Do it now, man! 4642Don't wait till your hair has turned gray." 4643% 4644There was an old maid from Cape Cod 4645Who thought all good things came from god. 4646 But it wasn't the almighty 4647 Who lifted her nighty, 4648It was Roger, the lodger, by god. 4649% 4650There was an old man from Bengal 4651Who liked to do tricks in the hall. 4652 His favorite trick 4653 Was to stand on his dick 4654While he rolled around on one ball. 4655% 4656There was an old man from Duluth 4657Whose cock was shot off in his youth. 4658 He fucked with his nose 4659 Or his fingers and toes 4660And he came thru a hole in his tooth. 4661% 4662There was an old man from Fort Drum 4663Whose son was incredibly dumb. 4664 When he urged him ahead, 4665 He went down instead, 4666For he thought to succeed meant succumb. 4667% 4668There was an old man of Alsace 4669Who played the trombone with his ass. 4670 He put in a trap 4671 To take out the crap, 4672But the vapors corroded the brass. 4673% 4674There was an old man of Brienz 4675The length of whose cock was immense: 4676 With one swerve he could plug 4677 A boy's bottom in Zug, 4678And a kitchen-maid's cunt in Coblenz. 4679% 4680There was an old man of Cajon 4681Who never could get a good bone. 4682 With the aid of a gland 4683 It grew simply grand; 4684Now his wife cannot leave it alone. 4685% 4686There was an old man of Calcutta 4687Who spied through a chink in the shutter. 4688 But all he could see 4689 Was his wife's bare knee, 4690And the back of the bloke who was up her. 4691% 4692There was an old man of Connaught 4693Whose prick was remarkably short. 4694 When he got into bed, 4695 The old woman said, 4696"This isn't a prick, it's a wart." 4697% 4698There was an old man of Duddee 4699Who came home as drunk as could be. 4700 He wound up the clock 4701 With the end of his cock, 4702And buggered his wife with the key. 4703% 4704There was an old man of Duluth 4705Whose cock was shot off in his youth. 4706 He fucked with his nose 4707 And with fingers and toes, 4708And he came through a hole in his tooth. 4709% 4710There was an old man of Hong Kong 4711Who never did anything wrong. 4712 He would lie on his back 4713 With his head in a sack 4714And secretly finger his dong. 4715% 4716There was an old man of St. Bees, 4717Who was stung in the arm by a wasp. 4718 When asked, "Does it hurt?" 4719 He replied, "No, it doesn't. 4720I'm so glad that it wasn't a hornet." 4721 -- W. S. Gilbert 4722% 4723There was an old man of Tagore 4724Whose tool was a yard long or more, 4725 So he wore the damn thing 4726 In a surgical sling 4727To keep it from wiping the floor. 4728% 4729There was an Old Man of the Mountain 4730Who frigged himself into a fountain 4731 Fifteen times had he spent, 4732 Still he wasn't content, 4733He simply got tired of the counting. 4734% 4735There was an old man of the port 4736Whose prick was remarkably short. 4737 When he got into bed, 4738 The old woman said, 4739"That isn't a prick; it's a wart!" 4740% 4741There was an old man who said, "Tush! 4742My balls always hang in the brush, 4743 And I fumble about, 4744 Half in and half out, 4745With a pecker as limber as mush." 4746% 4747There was an old man with a beard 4748Who said, "It is just what I feared! 4749 Two owls and a hen, 4750 Four larks and a wren 4751Have all built their nests in my beard!" 4752% 4753There was an old person of Ware 4754Who had an affair with a bear. 4755 He explained, "I don't mind, 4756 For it's gentle and kind, 4757But I wish it had slightly less hair." 4758% 4759There was an old pirate named Bates 4760Who was learning to rhumba on skates 4761 He fell on his cutlass 4762 Which rendered him nutless 4763And practically useless on dates. 4764% 4765There was an old satyr named Mack 4766Whose prick had a left handed tack. 4767 If the ladies he loves 4768 Don't spin when he shoves, 4769Their cervixes frequently crack. 4770% 4771There was an old Scot named McTavish 4772Who attempted an anthropoid ravish. 4773 The object of rape 4774 Was the wrong sex of ape, 4775And the anthropoid ravished McTavish. 4776% 4777There was an old whore from Silesia 4778Who'd croak: "If my box doesn't please ya, 4779 For a slight extra sum 4780 You can go up my bum 4781But watchout or my tapeworm'll seize ya." 4782% 4783There was an old whore in the Azores 4784Whose body was covered with festers & sores. 4785 Why the dogs in the street 4786 Wouldn't eat the green meat 4787That hung in festoons from her drawers. 4788% 4789There was an old woman of Ghent 4790Who swore that her cunt had no scent. 4791 She got fucked so often 4792 At last she got rotten, 4793And didn't she stink when she spent. 4794% 4795There was once a mechanic named Bench 4796Whose best tool was a sturdy gut-wrench. 4797 With this vibrant device 4798 He could reach, in a trice, 4799The innermost parts of a wench. 4800% 4801There was once a sad Maitre d'hotel 4802Who said, "They can all go to hell! 4803 What they do to my wife-- 4804 Why it ruins my life; 4805And the worst is, they all do it well. 4806% 4807There were three ladies of Huxham, 4808And whenever we meets 'em we fucks 'em, 4809 And when that game grows stale 4810 We sits on a rail, 4811And pulls out our pricks and they sucks 'em. 4812% 4813There were three young ladies of Birmingham, 4814And this is the scandal concerning 'em. 4815 They lifted the frock 4816 And tickled the cock 4817Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em. 4818 4819Now, the Bishop was nobody's fool, 4820He'd been to a good public school, 4821 So he took down their britches 4822 And buggered those bitches 4823With his ten-inch episcopal tool. 4824 4825Then up spoke a lady from Kew, 4826And said, as the Bishop withdrew, 4827 "The vicar is quicker 4828 And thicker and slicker, 4829And longer and stronger than you." 4830 -- Abuses of the Clergy 4831% 4832There's a charming young girl in Tobruk 4833Who refers to her quiff as a nook. 4834 It's deep and it's wide, 4835 -- You can curl up inside 4836With a nice easy chair and a book. 4837% 4838There's a charming young lady named Beaulieu 4839Who's often been screwed by yours truly, 4840 But now--it's appallin'-- 4841 My balls always fall in! 4842I fear that I've fucked her unduly. 4843% 4844There's a dowager near Sweden Landing 4845Whose manners are odd and demanding. 4846 It's one of her jests 4847 To suck off her guests -- 4848She hates to keep gentlemen standing. 4849% 4850There's a lovely young lady named Shittlecock 4851Who loves to play diddle and fiddle-cock, 4852 But her cunt's got a pucker 4853 That's best not to fuck, or 4854When least you expect it to, it'll lock. 4855% 4856There's a rather odd couple in Herts 4857Who are cousins (or so each asserts); 4858 Their sex is in doubt 4859 For they're never without 4860Their moustaches and long, trailing skirts. 4861 -- Edward Gorey 4862% 4863There's a sports-minded coed named Sue, 4864Who's been coxing the varsity crew. 4865 In the shell Sue is great, 4866 But her boyfriend's irate, 4867When she calls out the stroke as they screw. 4868% 4869There's a tavern in London that's staffed, 4870By a barmaid who's tops at her craft: 4871 In her striving to please, 4872 She serves ale on her knees, 4873So the patrons get head with their draft. 4874% 4875There's a very hot babe at the Aggies 4876Who's to men what to bulls a red rag is. 4877 The seniors go round 4878 Hanging down to the ground, 4879And one extra-large Soph has to drag his. 4880% 4881There's a vicar who's classed as nefarious, 4882Since his shocking perversions are various... 4883 He will bugger some lad 4884 With a dildo (the cad!) 4885While exulting, "My pleasure's vicarious!" 4886% 4887There's a young Yiddish slut with two cunts, 4888Whose pleasure in life is to pruntz. 4889 When one pireg is shot, 4890 There's that alternate twat, 4891But the ausgefuckt male merely grunts. 4892% 4893There's an oversexed lady named Whyte 4894Who insists on a dozen a night. 4895 A fellow named Cheddar 4896 Had the brashness to wed her- 4897His chance of survival is slight. 4898% 4899There's an unbroken babe from Toronto, 4900Exceedingly hard to get onto, 4901 But when you get there, 4902 And have parted the hair, 4903You can fuck her as much as you want to. 4904% 4905They had come in the fugue to the stretto 4906When a dark, bearded man from a ghetto 4907 Slipped forward and grabbed 4908 Her tresses and stabbed 4909Her to death with a rusty stiletto. 4910 -- Edward Gorey 4911% 4912Though his plan, when he gave her a buzz, 4913Was to do what man normally does, 4914 She declared, "I'm a Soul- 4915 Not a sexual goal!" 4916So he shrugged and called someone who was. 4917% 4918Though most of the crewmen are whites, 4919Uhura has full equal rights. 4920 Her crewmates, you see, 4921 Love De-mo-cra-cy, 4922And the way that she fills out her tights. 4923% 4924Though the invalid Saint of Brac 4925Lay all of his life on his back, 4926 His wife got her share, 4927 And the pilgrims now stare 4928At the scene, in his shrine, on a plaque. 4929% 4930'Tis a custom in Castellamare 4931To fuck in the back of a lorry. 4932 The chassis and springs 4933 Are like woodwinds and strings 4934In the midst of a musical soiree. 4935% 4936To a weepy young woman in Thrums 4937Her betrothed remarked, "This is what comes 4938 Of allowing your tears 4939 To fall into my ears - 4940I think they have rotted the drums." 4941 -- Edward Gorey 4942% 4943To bear offspring, Noah's snakes were unable. 4944Their fertility was somewhat unstable. 4945 He constructed a bed 4946 Out of tree trunks and said, 4947"Even adders can multiply on a log table." 4948% 4949To his bride a young bridegroom said, "Pish! 4950Your cunt is as big as a dish!" 4951 She replied, "Why, you fool, 4952 With your limp little tool 4953It's like driving a nail with a fish!" 4954% 4955To his bride said a numskull named Clarence: 4956"I trust you will show some forbearance. 4957 My sexual habits 4958 I picked up from rabbits, 4959And occasionally watching my parents." 4960% 4961To his bride said economist Fife: 4962"The semen you'll launch as my wife, 4963 We will salvage and freeze 4964 To resemble goat's cheese, 4965And slice for hors d'oeuvres with a knife." 4966% 4967To his bride said the keen-eyed detective, 4968"Can it be that my eyesight's defective? 4969 Has the east tit the least bit 4970 The best of the west tit, 4971Or is it the faulty perspective?" 4972% 4973To his bride, said the sharp eyed detective, 4974"Can it be that my eyesight's defective? 4975 Is your east tit the least bit 4976 The best of your west tit, 4977Or is it a trick of perspective?" 4978% 4979To his clubfooted child said Lord Stipple, 4980As he poured his post-prandial tipple, 4981 "Your mother's behaviour 4982 Gave pain to Our Saviour, 4983And that's why He made you a cripple." 4984 -- Edward Gorey 4985% 4986Two anglers were fishing off Wight 4987And his bobber was dipping all night. 4988 Murmured she, with a laugh, 4989 "It's ready to gaff, 4990But don't break your rod which is light." 4991 4992A couple was fishing near Clombe 4993When the maid began looking quite glum, 4994 And said, "Bother the fish! 4995 I'd rather coish!" 4996Which they did -- which was why they had come. 4997 4998As two consular clerks in Madras 4999Fished, hidden in deep shore-grass, 5000 "What a marvelous pole," 5001 Said she, "but control 5002Your sinkers -- they're banging my ass." 5003% 5004Two eager young men from Cawnpore 5005Once buggered and fucked the same whore. 5006 But her partition split 5007 And the blood and the shit 5008Rolled out in a mess on the floor. 5009% 5010Two roosters in one of our pens 5011Found their pricks were no larger than wens. 5012 As they looked at their foreskins 5013 And wished they had more skins, 5014They discovered they'd both become hens. 5015% 5016Under the spreading chestnut tree 5017The village smith he sat, 5018 Amusing himself 5019 By abusing himself 5020And catching the load in his hat. 5021% 5022Une joile epousetta a Tours 5023Voulait de gig-gig tous le jours. 5024 Mais le mari disait, "Non! 5025 De trop n'est pas bon! 5026Mon derriere exige du secours!" 5027% 5028Visas erat: huic geminarum 5029Dispar modus testicularum: 5030 Minor haec nihili, 5031 Palma triplici, 5032Jam fecerat altera clarum. 5033% 5034We dedicate this to the cunt, 5035The kind the broad-minded guys hunt: 5036 All hail to the twat, 5037 Willing, thrilling, and hot, 5038That wears peckers down, limp and blunt! 5039% 5040When I was a baby, my penis 5041Was as white as the buttocks of Venus. 5042 But now 'tis as red 5043 As her nipples instead-- 5044All because of the feminine genus! 5045% 5046When they asked a pert baggage name Alice, 5047Who'd been bedded and banged in the palace, 5048 "Was he modest or vain?" 5049 "Was he regal or plain?" 5050She replied, "He's a jolly good phallus!" 5051% 5052When you fuck little Annie in Anza 5053You get a great bosom bonanza: 5054 Sucking Annie's soft tits 5055 Makes her throw fifty fits, 5056And the fuck is a sextravaganza! 5057% 5058While his duchess lay practically dead, 5059The Duke of Daguerrodargue said: 5060 "Can it be this is all? 5061 How puny! How small! 5062Have destroyed this disgrace to my bed." 5063 -- Edward Gorey 5064% 5065While I, with my usual enthusiasm, 5066Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm, 5067 She explained, "They are flat, 5068 But think nothing of that -- 5069You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm." 5070% 5071While out on a date in his Fiat, 5072The man exclaimed "Where's my key at?" 5073 As he bent down to seek, 5074 She let out a shriek: 5075"That's not where it's likely to be at." 5076% 5077While spending the winter at Pau 5078Lady Pamela forgot to say "No." 5079 So the head-porter made her 5080 And the second-cook laid her; 5081The waiters were all hanging low. 5082% 5083While Titian was mixing rose madder, 5084His model reclined on a ladder. 5085 Her position to Titian 5086 Suggested coition, 5087So he leapt up the ladder and had 'er. 5088% 5089While travelling in farthest Tibet, 5090Lord Irongate found cause to regret 5091 The buttered-up tea, 5092 A pain in his knee, 5093And the frivolous tourists he met. 5094 -- Edward Gorey 5095% 5096Winter is here with his grouch, 5097The time when you sneeze and you slouch. 5098 You can't take your women 5099 Canoein' or swimmin', 5100But a lot can be done on a couch. 5101% 5102With his penis in turgid erection, 5103And aimed at woman's mid-section, 5104 Man looks most uncouth 5105 In that Moment of Truth, 5106But she sheathes it with loving affection. 5107% 5108You Women's Lib gals won't agree, 5109But dependent on men you must be: 5110 You'll need a him 5111 With a rod firm and trim, 5112To puggle your water-drains free! 5113% 5114Young Frederick the great was a beaut. 5115To a guard he cried, "Hey, man, you're cute. 5116 If you'll come to my palace, 5117 I'll finger your phallus, 5118And then I shall blow on your flute." 5119% 5120You've heard of the bishop of Birmingham, 5121Well, here's the new story concerning 'im: 5122 He buggers the choir 5123 As they sing "Ave Maria," 5124And fucks all the girls whilst confirming 'em. 5125% 5126