1%%$FreeBSD: src/games/fortune/datfiles/murphy,v 1.2.2.3 2001/09/30 22:45:25 kris Exp $ 2When things are going well, someone will inevitably 3experiment detrimentally. 4% 5If not controlled, work will flow to the competent 6man until he submerges. 7% 8The deficiency will never show itself during the test runs. 9% 10The lagging activity in a project will invariably be found 11in the area where the highest overtime rates lie waiting. 12% 13It is impossible to build a fool proof system; 14because fools are so ingenious. 15% 16Talent in staff work or sales will continually be 17interpreted as managerial ability. 18% 19Information travels more surely to those with a 20lesser need to know. 21% 22The "think positive" leader tends to listen to his 23subordinate's premonitions only during the postmortems. 24% 25An original idea can never emerge from committee 26in its original form. 27% 28No good deed goes unpunished. 29% 30When the product is destined to fail, the delivery system 31will perform perfectly. 32% 33Clearly stated instructions will consistently produce 34multiple interpretations. 35% 36The crucial memorandum will be snared in the out-basket by 37the paper clip of the overlying memo and go to file. 38% 39On successive charts of the same organization, the number of 40boxes will never decrease. 41% 42It is ok to be ignorant in some areas, 43but some people abuse the privilege. 44% 45Everyone breaks more than the seven-year-bad-luck allotment 46to cover rotten luck throughout an entire lifetime. 47% 48Success can be insured only by devising a defense against 49failure of the contingency plan. 50% 51Adding manpower to a late software product makes it later. 52% 53Performance is directly affected by the perversity of 54inanimate objects. 55% 56Leakproof seals --- will. 57% 58Never offend people with style 59when you can offend them with substance. 60% 61Our customers' paperwork is profit. 62Our own paperwork is loss. 63% 64At any level of traffic, any delay is intolerable. 65% 66As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse. 67% 68This space for rent. 69% 70The more directives you issue to solve a problem, 71the worse it gets. 72% 73Cop-out number 1. 74You should have seen it when I got it. 75% 76When you're up to your ass in alligators, it is 77difficult to keep your mind on the fact that your primary 78objective was to drain the swamp. 79% 80The road to hell is paved with good intentions 81and littered with sloppy analyses! 82% 83Self starters --- won't. 84% 85If the assumptions are wrong, 86the conclusions aren't likely to be very good. 87% 88The organization of any program reflects the organization 89of the people who developed it. 90% 91There is no such thing as a "dirty capitalist", 92only a capitalist. 93% 94Anything is possible, but nothing is easy. 95% 96The meek will inherit the earth 97after the rest of us go to the stars. 98% 99Capitalism can exist in one of only two states: 100welfare or warfare. 101% 102History proves nothing. 103% 104A lot of what appears to be progress is just so much 105technological roccoco. 106% 107A little humility is arrogance. 108% 109Interchangeable parts --- won't. 110% 111Any time you wish to demonstrate something, the number of 112faults is proportional to the number of viewers. 113% 114All American cars are basically Chevrolets. 115% 116A coup that is known in advance is a coup that does not 117take place. 118% 119No experiment is ever a complete failure. 120It can always be used as a bad example. 121% 122Despite the sign that says "wet paint", 123please don't. 124% 125Everything tastes more or less like chicken. 126% 127I finally got it all together... 128but I forgot where I put it. 129% 130If your next pot of chili tastes better, it probably is 131because of something left out, rather than added. 132% 133There is always one more bug. 134% 135The big guys always win. 136% 137Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. 138% 139Any sufficiently advanced technology is 140indistinguishable from magic. 141% 142It's always darkest just before the lights go out. 143% 144It is better to be part of the idle rich class 145than be part of the idle poor class. 146% 147Each problem solved introduces a new unsolved problem. 148% 149For every credibility gap there is a gullibility fill. 150% 151If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough 152chances are someone else will do it for you. 153% 154Everybody's gotta be someplace. 155% 156Nature is a mother. 157% 158If you've got them by the balls, 159their hearts and minds will follow. 160% 161People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell 162them Benjamin Franklin said it first. 163% 164If at first you don't succeed, transform your dataset. 165% 166Any given program, when running, is obsolete. 167% 168Any given program costs more and takes longer. 169% 170If a program is useful, it will be changed. 171% 172If a program is useless, it will be documented. 173% 174Any given program will expand to fill all available memory. 175% 176The value of a program is proportional 177to the weight of its output. 178% 179Don't mess with Mrs. Murphy! 180% 181Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability 182of the programmer who must maintain it. 183% 184Make it possible for programmers to write programs 185in English and you will find that programmers cannot 186write in English. 187% 188When more and more people are thrown out of work, 189unemployment results. 190% 191If you can't measure it, I'm not interested. 192% 193The best way to lie is to tell the truth..... 194carefully edited truth. 195% 196There are three ways to get things done: 197 (1) Do it yourself, 198 (2) Hire someone to do it, or 199 (3) Forbid your kids to do it. 200% 201I think ... therefore I am confused. 202% 203A fail-safe circuit will destroy others. 204% 205History repeats itself. 206that's one of the things wrong with history. 207% 20890% of everything is crud. 209% 210Nature will tell you a direct lie if she can. 211% 212Those with the best advice offer no advice. 213% 214Speak softly and own a big, mean doberman. 215% 216Democracy is that form of government where 217everybody gets what the majority deserves. 218% 219If you're worried about being crazy, 220don't be overly concerned: 221If you were, you would think you were sane. 222% 223Pills to be taken in twos always come 224out of the bottle in threes. 225% 226Flynn is dead 227Tron is dead 228long live the MCP. 229% 230Why worry about tomorrow? We may not make it through today! 231% 232Real programmers don't number paragraph names 233consecutively. 234% 235If you're feeling good, don't worry, 236you'll get over it. 237% 238Real programmers don't grumble about the disadvantages 239of Cobol when they don't know any other language. 240% 241Definition of an elephant: 242A mouse built to government specifications. 243% 244Real programmers are kind to rookies. 245% 246Real programmers don't notch their desks for each 247completed service request. 248% 249You don't have to be crazy to work here 250but it sure helps!!!!!!! 251% 252Real programmers don't announce how many times the 253operations department called them last night. 254% 255A day without sunshine .... 256is like ... night! 257% 258Real programmers are secure enough to write readable code, 259which they then self-righteously refuse to explain. 260% 261Real programmers don't play video games, they write them. 262% 263Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. 264% 265Real programmers understand Pascal. 266% 267Real programmers know it's not operations' 268fault if their jobs go into "hogs". 269% 270Real programmers do not eat breakfast from the 271vending machines. 272% 273Real programmers punch up their own programs. 274% 275When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade. 276% 277Real programmers have read the standards manual 278but won't admit it. 279% 280Real programmers don't advertise their hangovers. 281% 282Real programmers don't dress for success unless 283they are trying to convince others that they are 284going on interviews. 285% 286Real programmers do not practice four-syllable words before 287walkthroughs. 288% 289All warranties expire upon payment of invoice. 290% 291Real programmers argue with the systems analyst as a 292matter of principle. 293% 294The final test is when it goes production ... 295w h e n i t g o e s p r o d u c t i o n ... 296w h e n i t g o e s p r o d u c t 297w h e n i t g o e s p r o 298% 299Real programmers drink too much coffee so that they will 300always seem tense and overworked. 301% 302Real programmers always have a better idea. 303% 304Anyone who follows a crowd will 305never be followed by a crowd. 306% 307Real programmers can do octal, hexadecimal and 308binary math in their heads. 309% 310Real programmers don't write memos. 311% 312Real programmers know what saad means. 313% 314Real programmers do not utter profanities at an elevated 315decibel level. 316% 317Where you stand on an issue depends on where you sit. 318% 319Real programmers do not apply DP terminology to non-DP 320situations. 321% 322I no longer get lost in the shuffle.... 323I shuffle along with the lost. 324% 325Real programmers do not read books like 326"effective listening" and "communication skills". 327% 328Real programmers print only clean compiles, 329fixing all errors through the terminal. 330% 331The early worm deserves the bird. 332% 333Lead, follow, or get the hell out of the way!! 334% 335All good things must come to an end. 336I want to know when they start! 337% 338A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell 339in such a way that you look forward to the trip. 340% 341Blessed are those who go around in circles, 342for they shall be known as wheels. 343% 344Never eat prunes when you are famished. 345% 346Keep emotionally active, 347cater to your favorite neurosis. 348% 349A RACF protected dataset is inaccessible. 350% 351RACF is a four letter word. 352% 353You may be recognized soon. 354Hide! 355If they find you, lie. 356% 357You can pray hard enough to make water run uphill 358how hard? 359Hard enough to make water run uphill. 360% 361Avoid reality at all costs. 362% 363Program design philosophy: 364 365 Start at the beginning and continue until the end, 366 then stop. 367 -- Lewis Carroll 368% 369A closed mouth gathers no foot. 370% 371Only a mediocre person is always at their best. 372% 373Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate. 374% 375In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, 376the greater the confusion. 377% 378The first time is for love. 379The next time is $200. 380% 381Of two possible events, 382only the undesired one will occur. 383% 384The faster the plane, 385the narrower the seats. 386% 387If you have to ask, you are not entitled to know. 388% 389If on an actuarial basis there is a 50/50 chance that 390something will go wrong, 391It will actually go wrong nine times out of ten. 392% 393A man of quality does not fear a woman seeking equality. 394% 395The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to 396save all of the parts. 397% 3981) Things will get worse before they get better. 3992) Who said things would get better? 400% 401If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it. 402% 403There is a solution to every problem; 404the only difficulty is finding it. 405% 406Don't make your doctor your heir. 407% 408Don't ask the barber if you need a haircut. 409% 410If there isn't a law, there will be. 411% 412If you don't like the answer, 413you shouldn't have asked the question. 414% 415Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them. 416% 417You can't expect to hit the jackpot 418if you don't put a few nickels in the machine. 419% 420Unless you intend to kill him immediately; never kick a man 421in the balls, not even symbolically or perhaps especially 422not symbolically. 423% 424Freud's 23rd law: ideas endure and prosper in inverse 425proportion to their soundness and validity. 426% 427A short cut is the longest distance between two points. 428% 429If you want to make an enemy, do someone a favor. 430% 431If you know, you can't say. 432% 433The meek shall inherit the earth, 434but not its mineral rights. 435% 4361) You can't win 4372) You can't break even 4383) You can't even quit the game 439% 440When eating an elephant take one bite at a time. 441% 442Common sense is not so common. 443% 444If we learn by our mistakes, 445I'm getting one hell of an education!! 446% 447Fuzzy project objectives are used to avoid the 448embarrassment of estimating the corresponding costs. 449% 450Usefulness is inversely proportional to its reputation 451for being useful. 452% 453You will always find something in the last place you look. 454% 455The probability of anything happening is in 456inverse ratio to its desirability. 457% 458The first myth of management is that it exists 459the second myth of management is that success equals skill. 460% 461If it's good they will stop making it. 462% 463Inside every large program 464is a small program struggling to get out. 465% 466A memorandum is written not to inform the reader 467but to protect the writer. 468% 469Never insult an alligator 470until after you have crossed the river. 471% 472Anything hit with a big enough hammer will fall apart. 473% 474When your opponent is down, kick him. 475% 476The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of 477someone he can blame it on. 478% 479The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered 480side down is directly proportional to the cost of the 481carpet. 482% 483In the fight between you and the world, back the world. 484% 485Last guys don't finish nice. 486% 487Never admit anything. 488Never regret anything 489whatever it is, you're not responsible. 490% 491If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong. 492% 493When working toward the solution of a problem, 494it always helps if you know the answer. 495Provided of course you know there is a problem. 496% 497The usefulness of any meeting 498is in inverse proportion to the attendance. 499% 500The sun goes down just when you need it the most. 501% 502Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary 503drivel off the TV screen. 504% 505Whatever creates the greatest inconvenience for the largest 506number must happen. 507% 508No matter how long or hard you shop for an item, after 509you have bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper. 510% 511Sanity and insanity overlap a fine gray line. 512% 513A disagreeable task is its own reward. 514% 515If things were left to chance, they'd be better. 516% 517The phone will not ring until you leave your desk and walk 518to the other end of the building. 519% 520Anybody can win - unless there happens to be a second entry. 521% 522A president of a democracy is a man who is always ready, 523willing, and able to lay down your life for his country. 524% 525If a thing is done wrong ofter enough 526it becomes right. 527% 528People will buy anything that is one to a customer. 529% 530If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always 531manage to boot yourself in the posterior. 532% 533No one's life, liberty, or property are safe 534while the legislature is in session. 535% 536Never say "oops" after you have submitted a job. 537% 538Bad news drives good news out of the media. 539% 540Just when you get really good at something, 541you don't need to do it anymore. 542% 543If facts do not conform to the theory, 544they must be disposed of. 545% 546Almost anything is easier to get into than out of. 547% 548When properly administered, vacations do not diminish 549productivity. For every week you are away and get nothing 550done, there is another week when your boss is away and you 551get twice as much done. 552% 553No matter what happens, there is always somebody 554who knew that it would. 555% 556The other line always moves faster. 557% 558Never eat at a place called moms, never play cards with a 559man named doc, and never lie down with a woman who has 560got more troubles than you. 561% 562To get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it. 563% 564When all else fails, read the instructions. 565% 566Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost more than 567you thought. 568% 569"Close" only counts in horseshoes, handgrenades and 570thermonuclear devices. 571% 572The lion and the calf shall lie down together, 573but the calf won't get much sleep. 574% 575If you fool around with a thing for very long you will 576screw it up. 577% 578It is better for civilization to be going down the drain, 579than to be coming up it. 580% 581A $300.00 picture tube will protect a 10c fuse by blowing 582first. 583% 584Justice always prevails... 585three times out of seven. 586% 587If it jams --- force it. If it breaks, 588it needed replacing anyway. 589% 590I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, 591when you looked at it in the right way, did not become 592still more complicated. 593 -- Poul Anderson 594% 595Any tool dropped while repairing a car will roll underneath 596to the exact center. 597% 598No matter which direction you start, 599it's always against the wind coming back. 600% 601The repairman will never have seen a model quite like 602yours before. 603% 604Don't force it, 605get a bigger hammer. 606% 607When a broken appliance is demonstrated for the repairman, 608it will work perfectly. 609% 610Pity the poor egg; 611It only gets laid once in its life. 612% 613An optimist is a person who looks forward to marriage. 614A pessimist is a married optimist! 615% 616A pessimist is an optimist with experience. 617% 618Old programmers never die - they just abend. 619% 620The success of any venture will be helped by prayer, 621even in the wrong denomination. 622% 623Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet 624somebody moves the ends! 625% 626Just because you are paranoid 627doesn't mean "they" aren't out to get you. 628% 629An Irishman is not drunk as long as 630he can hang onto a single blade of grass 631and not fall off the face of the earth. 632% 633If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong 634equipment. 635% 636Some come to the fountain of knowledge to drink, 637some prefer to just gargle. 638% 639Everything is revealed to he who turns over enough stones. 640(Including the snakes that he did not want to find.) 641% 642Everybody should believe in something; 643I believe I'll have another drink. 644% 645Those whose approval you seek the most give you the least. 646% 647Build a system that even a fool can use, 648and only a fool will use it. 649% 650Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work. 651% 652It's always the wrong time of the month. 653% 654In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his own level 655of incompetence, and then remains there. 656% 657It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick 658up something from the floor while you get up. 659% 660You will remember that you forgot to take out the trash 661when the garbage truck is two doors away. 662% 663Misery no longer loves company 664nowdays it insists on it. 665% 666The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the 667strong, but that's the way to bet. 668% 669Some of it plus the rest of it is all of it. 670% 671There's never time to do it right, but there's always 672time to do it over. 673% 674On a beautiful day like this it's hard to believe anyone 675can be unhappy -- but we will work on it. 676% 677When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate. 678% 679The more ridiculous a belief system, 680the higher probability of its success. 681% 682Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or 683fattening. 684% 685Old age is always fifteen years older than I am. 686% 687It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. 688% 689A bird in hand is safer than one overhead. 690% 691The ratio of time involved in work to time available for 692work is usually about 0.6 693% 694Remember the golden rule: 695Those that have the gold make the rules. 696% 697Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and 698knows it for he shall enjoy living. 699% 700Everything east of the San Andreas fault will evenutally 701plunge into the Atlantic ocean. 702% 703I finally got it all together ... 704but I forgot where I put it. 705% 706Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. 707% 708Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, 709for he shall not be disappointed. 710% 711The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of 712an oncoming train. 713% 714Celibacy is not hereditary. 715% 716You can observe a lot just by watching. 717% 718If it can be borrowed and it can be broken, 719you will borrow it and 720you will break it. 721% 722Live within your income, 723even if you have to borrow to do so. 724% 725Beauty is only skin deep, ugly goes clear to the bone. 726% 727Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. 728% 729To know yourself is the ultimate form of aggression. 730% 731An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction. 732% 733Never play leapfrog with a unicorn. 734% 735A bird in the hand is dead. 736% 737A Smith and Wesson beats four aces. 738% 739Never put all your eggs in your pocket. 740% 741If everything seems to be going well, 742you obviously don't know what the hell is going on. 743% 744If at first you don't succeed, 745blame it on your supervisor. 746% 747If more than one person is responsible for a 748miscalculation, no one will be at fault. 749% 750Don't bite the hand that has your pay check in it. 751% 752In case of doubt, make it sound convincing. 753% 754When in doubt, mumble. 755When in trouble, delegate. 756When in charge, ponder. 757% 758Please don't steal, the IRS hates competition! 759% 760Never argue with a fool, 761people might not know the difference. 762% 763You can't guard against the arbitrary. 764% 765People can be divided into three groups: 766Those who make things happen, 767Those who watch things happen and 768Those who wonder what happened. 769% 770I no longer get lost in the shuffle, 771I shuffle along with the lost. 772% 773The one thing that money can not buy is poverty. 774% 775You are not drunk if you can lay on the floor without 776holding on. 777% 778In any household, junk accumulates to the space 779available for its storage. 780% 781Don't stop to stomp on ants 782when the elephants are stampeding. 783% 784The longer the title the less important the job. 785% 786Any improbable event which would create maximum confusion 787if it did occur, will occur. 788% 789When you are right be logical, 790when you are wrong be-fuddle. 791% 792For every human problem, there is a neat, plain solution -- 793and it is always wrong. 794% 795There are no winners in life: Only survivors. 796% 797When they want it bad (in a rush), they get it bad. 798% 799The yoo-hoo you yoo-hoo into the forest is the yoo-hoo you 800get back. 801% 802You can't tell how deep a puddle is until you step into it. 803% 804The idea is to die young as late as possible. 805% 806No man is lonely while eating spaghetti. 807% 808It's better to retire too soon than too late. 809% 810A man should be greater than some of his parts. 811% 812If you don't say it, they can't repeat it. 813% 814Nothing is ever as simple as it seems. 815% 816Everything takes longer than you expect. 817% 818Left to themselves, all things go from bad to worse. 819% 820If you see that there are four possible ways in which a 821procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a 822fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop. 823% 824Things get worse under pressure. 825% 826Persons disagreeing with your facts are always emotional 827and employ faulty reasoning. 828% 829A consultant is an ordinary person a long way from home. 830% 831Progress is made on alternate Fridays. 832% 833The first 90 percent of the task takes 90 percent of the 834time, the last 10 percent takes the other 90 percent. 835% 836If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. 837% 838Don't look back, something may be gaining on you. 839% 840All things being equal, all things are never equal. 841% 842Even paranoids have enemies. 843% 844Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place. 845% 846Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet 847reached their level of incompetence. 848% 849If at first you don't succeed, try something else. 850% 851If you're coasting, you're going downhill. 852% 853Never tell them what you wouldn't do. 854% 855The amount of flak received on any subject is inversely 856proportional to the subject's true value. 857% 858Indifference is the only sure defense. 859% 860Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. 861% 862Never needlessly disturb a thing at rest. 863% 864If you want to get along, go along. 865% 866Everything happens at the same time with nothing in between. 867% 868The easiest way to find something lost around the house 869is to buy a replacement. 870% 871Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always 872point upward from the floor -- especially in the dark. 873% 874Make three correct guesses consectively and you will 875establish yourself as an expert. 876% 877It works better if you plug it in. 878% 879Quit while you're still behind. 880% 881If you plan to leave your mark in the sands of time, 882you better wear work shoes. 883% 884It's always easier to go down hill, but the view is 885from the top. 886% 887Any line, however short, is still too long. 888% 889Laziness is the mother of nine inventions out of ten. 890% 891If you can't measure output then you measure input. 892% 893Any theory can be made to fit any facts by means of 894approximate, additional assumptions. 895% 896Never be first to do anything. 897% 898The chief cause of problems is solutions. 899% 900The only winner in the war of 1812 was Tchaikovsky. 901% 902A little ignorance can go a long way. 903% 904Learn to be sincere. Even if you have to fake it. 905% 906Entropy has us outnumbered. 907% 908Everything put together sooner or later falls apart. 909% 910Do whatever your enemies don't want you to do. 911% 912A little ambiguity never hurt anyone. 913% 914Don't permit yourself to get between a dog and a lamppost. 915% 916Go where the money is. 917% 918Work may be the crabgrass of life, but money is still the 919water that keeps it green. 920% 921A stagnant science is at a standstill. 922% 923Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at. 924% 925For every credibility gap there is a gullibility gap. 926% 927Can't produces countercan't. 928% 929If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent 930of doing you good, you should run for your life. 931% 932When you are sure you're right, you have a moral duty 933to impose your will upon anyone who disagrees with you. 934% 935If you can't convince them, confuse them. 936% 937Assumption is the mother of all foul-ups. 938% 939All general statements are false. (Think about it.) 940% 941If it happens, it must be possible. 942% 943Them what gets--has. 944% 945If you are already in a hole, there's no use to continue 946digging. 947% 948If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote 949programs, then the first woddpecker that came along would 950destroy civilization. 951% 952People will believe anything if you whisper it. 953% 954A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick 955in the pants. 956% 957Never leave hold of what you've got until you've got hold 958of something else. 959% 960A theory is better than its explanation. 961% 962Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing 963worse will happen to you the rest of the day. 964% 965Nobody notices when things go right. 966% 967There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else. 968% 969Roses are red violets are blue 970I am schizophrenic and so am I 971% 972If anything can go wrong, it will. 973% 974If anything can't go wrong it will. 975% 976If muprhy's law can go wrong, it will. 977% 978If a series of events can go wrong, it will do so in 979in the worst possible sequence. 980% 981After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle 982will repeat itself. 983% 984An auditor enters the battlefield after the war is over, 985and attacks the wounded. 986% 987Nothing is ever so bad that it can't get worse. 988% 989No matter what goes wrong, there is always somebody 990who knew it would. 991% 992Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. 993% 994The hidden flaw never remains hidden. 995% 996(1) Everything depends. 997(2) Nothing is always. 998(3) Everything is sometimes. 999% 1000If you wait, it will go away 1001... having done it's damage. 1002If it was bad, it'll be back. 1003% 1004Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand 1005wrong answers. 1006% 1007Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune 1008moment. 1009% 1010When you need to knock on wood is when you realize the 1011world's composed of aluminum and vinyl. 1012% 1013In order for something to become clean, something 1014else must become dirty. 1015... but you can get everything dirty without getting 1016anything clean. 1017% 1018The first place to look for anything is the last place 1019you would expect to find it. 1020% 1021You can always find what you're not looking for. 1022% 1023If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost. 1024% 1025It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly 1026suprised. 1027% 1028A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the 1029whole thing". 1030% 1031Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work. 1032% 1033The time it talkes to rectify a situation is 1034inversely proportional to the time it took 1035to do the damage. 1036% 1037An optimist believes we live in the best of all 1038possible worlds. 1039A pessimist fears this is true. 1040% 1041You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it 1042damnfoolproof. 1043% 1044It takes longer to glue a vase together than to 1045break one. 1046% 1047It takes longer to lose 'x' number of pounds than 1048to gain 'x' number of pounds. 1049% 1050The item you had your eye on the minute you walked in 1051will be taken by the person in front of you. 1052% 1053The other line moves faster. 1054% 1055If you change lines, the one you just left will start 1056to move faster than the one you are now in. 1057% 1058The longer you wait in line, the greater the 1059likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line. 1060% 1061The slowest checker is always at the quick-check-out 1062lane. 1063% 1064Whenever you cut your fingernails you will find a 1065need for them an hour later. 1066% 1067(1) If the weather is extremely bad, church 1068 attendance will be down. 1069(2) If the weather is extremely good, church 1070 attendance will be down. 1071(3) If the bulletin covers are in short supply 1072 church attendance will exceed all expectations. 1073% 1074If a situation requires undivided attention, it will 1075occur simultaneously with a compelling distraction. 1076% 1077The further away the disaster or accident occurs, the 1078greater the number of dead and injured required for it 1079to become a story. 1080% 1081The closer you are to the facts of a situation, the 1082more obvious are the errors in all news coverage of 1083the situation. 1084% 1085The further you are from the facts of a situation, 1086the more you tend to believe news coverage of the 1087situation. 1088% 1089The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal 1090the letter. 1091% 1092The most interesting specimen will not be labeled. 1093% 1094Some errors will always go unnoticed until the book 1095is in print. 1096% 1097The first page the author turns to upon receiving an 1098advance copy will be the page containing the worst 1099error. 1100% 1101(1) Never draw what you can copy. 1102(2) Never copy what you can trace. 1103(3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. 1104% 1105The best shots happen immediately after the last 1106frame is exposed. 1107% 1108The best shots are generally attempted through the 1109lens cap. 1110% 1111Any surviving best shots are ruined when someone 1112inadvertently open the darkroom door and all of the 1113dark leaks out. 1114% 1115If a three-story buiding served by one elevator, nine 1116times out of ten the elevator care will be on a floor 1117where you are not. 1118% 1119The tendency of smoke from a cigarette, barbeque, 1120campfire, etc. to drift into a person's face varies 1121directly with that person's sensitivity to smoke. 1122% 1123The distance to the gate is inversely proportional 1124to the time available to catch you flight. 1125% 1126As soon as the flight attendant serves the coffee, the 1127airliner encounters turbulence. 1128% 1129Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence. 1130% 1131Whatever carrousel you stand by, your baggage will 1132come in on another one. 1133% 1134When travelling overseas, the exchange rate improves 1135markedly the day after one has purchased foreign 1136currency. 1137% 1138Upon returning home, the exchange rate drops again as 1139soon as one has converted all unused foreign currency. 1140% 1141The bigger they are, the harder they hit. 1142% 1143For every action, there is an equal and opposite 1144criticism. 1145% 1146Authorization for a project will be granted only when 1147none of the authorizers can be blamed if the project 1148fails but when all of the authorizers can claim credit 1149if it succeeds. 1150% 1151If an idea can survive a bureacratic review and be 1152implemented, it wasn't worth doing. 1153% 1154The greater the cost of putting a plan into operation, 1155the less chance there is of abandoning the plan - even 1156if it subsequently becomes irrevelant. 1157% 1158The higher the level of prestige accorded the people 1159behind the plan, the least less chance there is of 1160abandoning it. 1161% 1162In any organization there will always be one person 1163who knows what is going on. 1164This person must be fired. 1165% 1166Far-way talent always seems better than home-developed 1167talent. 1168% 1169Personnel recruiting is a triumph of hope over 1170experience. 1171% 1172Some people manage by the book, even though they 1173don't know who wrote the book or even what book. 1174% 1175Don't let your superiors know you're better than 1176they are. 1177% 1178You never know who's right, but you always know 1179who's in charge. 1180% 1181(1) Anyone can make a decision given enough facts. 1182(2) A good manager can make a decision without enough 1183 facts. 1184(3) A perfect manager can operate in perfect ignorance. 1185% 1186The boss who attempts to impress employees with his 1187knowledge of intricate details has lost sight of his 1188final objective. 1189% 1190You will save yourself a lot of needless worry if you 1191don't burn your bridges until you come to them. 1192% 1193In a hierarchical system, the rate of pay varies 1194inversely with the unpleasantness and difficulty 1195of the task. 1196% 1197The client who pays the least complains the most 1198% 1199A lack of planning on your part 1200does not constitute an emergency on my part. 1201% 1202I know you believe you understand 1203 what you think I said, 1204 however, I am not sure you realize, 1205 that what I think you heard 1206 is not what I meant 1207% 1208Real programmers don't eat muffins. 1209% 1210In any bureaucracy, paperwork increases as you spend 1211more and more time reporting on the less and less you 1212are doing. Stability is achieved when you spend all of 1213your time reporting on the nothing you are doing. 1214% 1215Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for 1216a number and then give it back to them. 1217% 1218When somebody drops something, everybody will kick it 1219around instead of picking it up. 1220% 1221The chances of anybody doing anything are inversely 1222proportional to the number of other people who are in 1223a position to do it instead. 1224% 1225Never make a decision you can get someone else to make. 1226% 1227No one keeps a record of decisions you could have made 1228but didn't. Everyone keeps a records of your bad ones. 1229% 1230For every vision, there is an equal and opposite revision. 1231% 1232The inside contact that you have developed at great 1233expense is the first person to be let go in any 1234reorganization. 1235% 1236It's tough to get reallocated when you're the one 1237who's redundant. 1238% 1239Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. 1240% 1241If you're early, it'll be cancelled. 1242If you knock yourself out to be on time, you will 1243 have to wait. 1244If you're late, you will be too late. 1245% 1246A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept 1247and the hours are lost. 1248% 1249If you leave the room, you're elected. 1250% 1251The cream rises to the top. 1252So does the scum. 1253% 1254There's no time like the present for postponing 1255what you don't want to do. 1256% 1257Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday. 1258% 1259The more complicated and grandiose the plan, the 1260greater the chance of failure. 1261% 1262Simple jobs always get put off because there will be 1263time to do them later. 1264% 1265Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. 1266% 1267A work project expands to fill the space available. 1268% 1269No matter how large the work space, if two projects 1270must be done at the same time they will require the 1271same part of the work space. 1272% 1273The one wrench or drill bit you need will be the one 1274missing from the tool chest. 1275% 1276Most projects require three hands. 1277% 1278Leftover nuts never match leftover bolts. 1279% 1280The more carefully you plan a project, the more 1281confusion there is when something goes wrong. 1282% 1283Murphy's rule for precision: 1284 Measure with a micrometer 1285 Mark with chalk 1286 Cut with an axe 1287% 1288You can't fix it if it ain't broke. 1289% 1290First rule of intelligent tinkering: 1291 Save all the parts 1292% 1293Access holes will be 1/2" too small. 1294Holes that are the right size will be in the wrong place. 1295% 1296If it would be cheaper to buy a new unit, the company 1297will insist upon repairing the old one. 1298% 1299If it would be cheaper to repair the old one, the 1300company will insist on the latest model. 1301% 1302The primary function of the design engineer is to make 1303things difficult for the fabricator and impossible 1304for the serviceman. 1305% 1306That component of any circuit which has the shortest 1307service life will be placed in the least 1308accessible location. 1309% 1310Any circuit design must contain at least one part which 1311is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three 1312parts which at still under development. 1313% 1314Important letters which contain no errors will develop 1315errors in the mail. 1316% 1317Office machines which function perfectly during normal 1318business hours will break down when you return to the 1319office at night to use them for personal business. 1320% 1321Machines that have broken down will work perfectly 1322when the repairman arrives. 1323% 1324Envelopes and stamps which don't stick when you lick 1325them will stick to other things when you don't want 1326them to. 1327% 1328Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by 1329spontaneously moving from where you left them to where 1330you can't find them. 1331% 1332The last person who quit or was fired will be held 1333responsible for everything that goes wrong -- until 1334the next person quits or is fired. 1335% 1336If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you 1337don't want his the paper. 1338% 1339The one time in the day that you lean back and relax 1340is the one time the boss walks through the office. 1341% 1342Hot glass looks exactly the same as cold glass. 1343% 1344When you do not know what you are going, do it neatly. 1345% 1346Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else. 1347% 1348Science is true. Don't be misled by facts. 1349% 1350(1) If it's green or it wiggles, it's biology. 1351(2) If it stinks, it's chemistry. 1352(3) If it doesn't work, it's physics. 1353% 1354Nothing improves an innovation like lack of controls. 1355% 1356The quality of correlation is inversely proportional 1357to the density of control. 1358% 1359If reproducibility may be a problem conduct the 1360test only once. 1361% 1362If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two 1363data points. 1364% 1365Any technical problem can be overcome given enough 1366time and money. 1367% 1368You are never given enough time or money. 1369% 1370Unless the results are known in advance, funding 1371agencies will reject the proposal. 1372% 1373It is better to solve a problem with a crude 1374approximation and know the truth, than to demand an 1375exact solution and not know the truth at all. 1376% 1377An easily-understood, workable falsehood is more useful 1378than a complex, incompreshensible truth. 1379% 1380Anyone who make a significant contribution to any field 1381of endeavor and stays in that field long enough, 1382becomes an obstruction to its progress -- in direct 1383proportion to the importance of his original contribution. 1384% 1385If a scientist uncovers a publishable fact, it will 1386become central to his theory. 1387 1388His theory, in turn, will become central to all 1389scientific truth. 1390% 1391There is no such thing as a straight line. 1392% 1393In any series of calculations, errors tend to occur 1394at the opposite end to the end at which you begin 1395checking for errors. 1396% 1397Only errors exist. 1398% 1399One man's error is another man's data. 1400% 1401To err is human, but to really foul things up requires 1402a computer. 1403% 1404When putting it into memory, remember where you put it. 1405% 1406Never test for an error condition you don't know 1407how to handle. 1408% 1409Everybody lies; but it doesn't matter, since 1410nobody listens. 1411% 1412People who love sausage and respect the law should 1413never watch either one being made. 1414% 1415No matter what they're telling you, they're not 1416telling you the whole truth. 1417% 1418No matter what they're talking about, they're 1419talking about money. 1420% 1421In any dealings with a collective body of people, the 1422people will always be more tacky than originally expected. 1423% 1424If you can keep your head when all about you are losing 1425theirs, then you just don't understand the problem. 1426% 1427Information deteriorates upward through the bureaucracies. 1428% 1429When an exaggerated emphasis is placed upon delegation, 1430responsibility, like sediment, sinks to the bottom. 1431% 1432When outrageous expenditures are divided finely enough 1433the public will not have enough stake in any one 1434expenditure to squelch it. 1435% 1436When the government bureau's remedies do not match your 1437problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy. 1438% 1439A fool and your money are soon partners. 1440% 1441You may know where the market is going, but you can't 1442possibly know where it's going after that. 1443% 1444Among economists, the real world is often a special case. 1445% 1446Trial balances don't. 1447% 1448Working capital doesn't. 1449% 1450Liquidity tends to run out. 1451% 1452Return on investments won't. 1453% 1454If everybody doesn't want it, nobody gets it. 1455% 1456Mass man must be serviced by mass means. 1457% 1458Everything is contagious. 1459% 1460Nothing is ever done for the right reasons. 1461% 1462The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake 1463that you've got it made. 1464% 1465An expert is anyone from out of town. 1466% 1467An expert is one who knows more and more about less 1468and less until he knows absolutely everything 1469about nothing. 1470% 1471To spot the expert, pick the one who perdicts the job 1472will take the longest and cost the most. 1473% 1474If it sits on your desk for 15 minutes, you've just 1475become the expert. 1476% 1477Indecision is the basis for flexibility. 1478% 1479Anything is possible if you don't know what you're 1480talking about. 1481% 1482Never create a problem for which you do not have 1483the answer. 1484% 1485Create problems for which only you have the answer. 1486% 1487A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 1488% 1489Hindsight is an exact science. 1490% 1491History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely 1492repeat each other. 1493% 1494Fact is solidified opinion. 1495% 1496Facts may weaken under extreme heat and pressure. 1497% 1498Truth is elastic. 1499% 1500When in doubt, predict that the trend will continue. 1501% 1502When in trouble, obfuscate. 1503% 1504Progress does not consist in replacing a theory that is 1505wrong with one that is right. It consists in replacing 1506a theory that is wrong with one that is more sublty wrong. 1507% 1508It is a simple task to make things complex, but a complex 1509task to make them simple. 1510% 1511If you have a difficult task give it to a lazy man, he 1512will find an easier way to do it. 1513% 1514Every great idea has a disadvantage equal to or 1515exceeding the greatness of the idea. 1516% 1517Never attribute to malice that which is adequately 1518explained by stupidity. 1519% 1520Systems should not be unnecessarily multiplied. 1521% 1522Systems tend to grow and as they grow they encroach. 1523% 1524Complicated systems produce unexpected outcomes. 1525% 1526The total behavior of large systems cannot be predicted. 1527% 1528A large system, produced by expanding the dimensions of 1529a smaller system, does not behave like the smaller system. 1530% 1531People in systems do not do what the systems says 1532they are doing. 1533% 1534The system itself does not do what it says it is doing. 1535% 1536A complex system that works is invariably found to have 1537evolved from a simple system that works. 1538% 1539A complex system designed from scratch never works and 1540cannot be patched up to make it work. You have to start 1541over, beginning with a working simple system. 1542% 1543(1) Everything is a system. 1544(2) Everything is part of a larger system. 1545(3) The universe is infinitely systematized both upward 1546 (larger systems) and downward (smaller systems). 1547(4) All systems are infinitely complex. (The illuison 1548 of simplicity comes from focussing attention on 1549 one or a few variables). 1550% 1551Complex systems tend to oppose their own proper function. 1552% 1553If the course you wanted most has room for 'n' students 1554you will be the 'n + 1' to apply. 1555% 1556Class schedules are designed so that every student will 1557waste the maximum time between classes. 1558% 1559Show me a person who's never made a mistake and I'll 1560show you somebdoy who's never achieved much. 1561% 1562When you consider there are 24 hours in a day, it's 1563sad to know that only one is called the happy hour. 1564% 1565When you are able to schedule two classes in a row, 1566they will be held in classrooms at opposite end of 1567the campus. 1568% 1569A prerequisite for a desired course will be offered 1570only during the semester following the desired course. 1571% 1572When reviewing your notes before an exam, the most 1573important ones will be illegible. 1574% 1575The more studying you did for the exam, the less sure 1576you are as to which answer they want. 1577% 157880% of the final exam will be based on the one lecture 1579you missed about the one book you didn't read. 1580% 1581The night before the english history mid-term, your 1582biology instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. 1583% 1584Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else 1585to do except study for that instructor's course. 1586% 1587If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget 1588your book. 1589If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget 1590where you live. 1591% 1592At the end of the semester you will recall having 1593enrolled in a course at the beginning of the semester 1594-- and never attending. 1595% 1596The one course you must take to graduate will not be 1597offered during your last semester. 1598% 1599The more general the title of a course, the less 1600you will learn from it. 1601% 1602The more specific the title of a course, the less you 1603will be able to apply it later. 1604% 1605The most valuable quotation will be the one for which 1606you cannot determine the source. 1607% 1608The source for an unattributed quotation will appear 1609in the most hostile review of your work. 1610% 1611When a writer prepares a manuscript on a subject he does 1612not understand, his work will be understood only by 1613readers who know more about that subject than he does. 1614% 1615Writings prepared without understanding must fail in the 1616first ojbective of communication -- informing 1617the uninformed. 1618% 1619When a student asks for a second time if you have read 1620his book report, he did not read the book. 1621% 1622If daily class attendance is mandatory, a schedules 1623exam will product increased absenteeism. If attendance 1624is optional, a schedules exam will produce persons you 1625have never seen before. 1626% 1627Just because your doctor has a name for your condition 1628doesn't mean he knows what it is. 1629% 1630The more boring and out-of-date the magazines in the 1631waiting room, the longer you will have to wait for 1632your scheduled appointment. 1633% 1634Only adults have difficulty with child-proof bottles. 1635% 1636You never have the right number of pills left on the 1637last day of a prescription. 1638% 1639The pills to be taken with meals will be the least 1640appetizing ones. 1641% 1642Even water tastes bad when taken on doctors orders. 1643% 1644If your condition seems to be getting better, it's 1645probably your doctor getting sick. 1646% 1647Beware of the physician who is great at getting 1648out of trouble. 1649% 1650A drug is that substance which, when injected into a 1651rat, will produce a scientific report. 1652% 1653Before ordering a test decide what you will do if it is, 1654(1) positive, or 1655(2) negative. 1656If both answers are the same, don't do the test. 1657% 1658The radiologists' national flower is the hedge. 1659% 1660The feasibility of an operation is not the best 1661indiciation for its performance. 1662% 1663A physician's ability is inversely proportional 1664to his availability. 1665% 1666There are two kinds of adhesive tape: That which won't 1667stay on and that which won't come off. 1668% 1669Everbody wants a pain shot at the same time. 1670% 1671Everybody who didn't want a pain shot when you were 1672passing out pain shots wants one when you are passing 1673out sleeping pills. 1674% 1675An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his 1676own physician. 1677% 1678Fools rush in -- and get the best seats. 1679% 1680At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from 1681the aisle arrive last. 1682% 1683Exciting plays occur only while you are watching the 1684scoreboard or out buying a hot dog. 1685% 1686Nothing is ever so bad it can't be made worse by 1687firing the coach. 1688% 1689The wrong quarterback is the one that's in there. 1690% 1691A free agent is anything but. 1692% 1693Hockey is a game played by six good players and the 1694home team. 1695% 1696Whatever can go to New York, will. 1697% 1698Whenever a superstar is traded to your favorite team, 1699he fades. Whenever your team trades away a usless 1700no-name, he immediately rises to stardom. 1701% 1702Never leave hold of what you've got until you've 1703got hold of something else. 1704% 1705A mediocre player will sink to the level of his or 1706her opposition. 1707% 1708The only way to make up for being lost is to make 1709record time while you are lost. 1710% 1711The amount of wind will vary inversely with the number 1712and experience of the people you have on board. 1713% 1714No matter how strong the breeze when you leave the dock 1715once you have reached the furthest point from port 1716the wind will die. 1717% 1718The time available to go fishing shrinks as the fishing 1719season draws nearer. 1720% 1721The least experienced fisherman always catches the 1722biggest fish. 1723% 1724The more elaborate and costly the equipment, the greater 1725the chance of having to stop at the fish market 1726on the way home. 1727% 1728The worse your line is tangled, the better is the 1729fishing around you. 1730% 1731The mountain gets steeper as you get closer. 1732% 1733The mountain looks closer than it is. 1734% 1735All trails have more uphill sections that they have 1736level or downhill sections. 1737% 1738The one who least wants to play is the one who will win. 1739% 1740All things being equal, you lose. 1741 1742All things being in your favor, you still lose. 1743% 1744Win or lose, you lose. 1745% 1746No matter where you go, there you are! 1747% 1748It always takes longer to get there than to get back. 1749% 1750If everything is coming your way, you're in the 1751wrong lane. 1752% 1753If you allow someone to get in front of you either: 1754(1) The car in front will be the last one over a 1755 railroad crossing, and you will be stuck waiting 1756 for a long, slow-moving train; or 1757(2) you both will have the same destination and the 1758 other car will get the last parking space. 1759% 1760If you have to park six blocks away, you will find two 1761new parking spaces right in front of the building 1762entrance. 1763% 1764When you're not in a hurry, the traffic light will turn 1765green as soon as your vehicle comes to a complete stop. 1766% 1767A car and a truck approaching each other on an otherwise 1768deserted road will meet at the narrow bridge. 1769% 1770The speed of an oncoming vehicle is directly proportional 1771to the length of the passing zone. 1772% 1773The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly 1774in front of your eyes. 1775% 1776If you can get to the faulty part, you don't have the 1777tool to get it off. 1778% 1779If you can get the faulty part off, the parts house 1780will have it back-ordered. 1781% 1782If the faulty part is in stock, it didn't need replacing 1783in the first place. 1784% 1785When the need arises, any tool or object closest to you 1786becomes a hammer. 1787% 1788No matter how minor the task, you will inevitably end 1789up covered with grease and motor oil. 1790% 1791When necessary, metric and inch tools can be used 1792interchangeably. 1793% 1794Automotive engine reparing law: 1795If you drop something, it will never reach the ground. 1796% 1797If you lived here you'd be home now. 1798% 1799If it's good, they discontinue it. 1800% 1801It the shoe fits, it's ugly. 1802% 1803(1) If you like it, they don't have it in your size. 1804(2) If you like it and it's in your size, it doesn't 1805 fit anyway. 1806(4) If you like it and it fits, you can't afford it. 1807(5) If you like it, it fits and you can afford it, it 1808 falls apart the first time you wear it. 1809% 1810The one you want is never the one on sale. 1811% 1812Anything labeled "new" and/or "improved" isn't. 1813% 1814The label "new" and/or "improved" means the price went up. 1815% 1816The label "all new," "completely new" or "great news" 1817means the price went way way up. 1818% 1819If an item is advertised as "under $50," you can bet 1820it's not $19.95. 1821% 1822ACF2 is a four letter word. 1823% 1824If only one price can be obtained for any quotation, 1825the price will be unreasonable. 1826% 1827A 60-day warranty guarantees that the product will 1828self-destruct on the 61st day. 1829% 1830The "consumer report" on the item will come out a week 1831after you've made your purchase: 1832 1833(1) The one you bought will be rated "unacceptable". 1834(2) The one you almost bought will be rated "best buy". 1835% 1836If you don't write to complain, you'll never receive 1837your order. 1838If you do write, you'll receive the merchandise before 1839your angry letter reaches its destination. 1840% 1841The most important item in an order will no longer 1842be available. 1843% 1844During the time an item is on back-order, it will be 1845available cheaper and quicker from many other sources. 1846% 1847People will buy anthing that's one to a customer. 1848% 1849Security isn't. 1850% 1851Management can't. 1852% 1853Sale promotions don't. 1854% 1855Consumer assistance doesn't. 1856% 1857Workers won't. 1858% 1859Cleanliness is next to impossible. 1860% 1861Multiple-function gadgets will not perform any 1862function adequately. 1863% 1864The more expensive the gadget, the less often you 1865will use it. 1866% 1867The simpler the instruction, e.g. "press here", the 1868more difficult it will be to open the package. 1869% 1870In a family recipe you just discovered in an old book, 1871the most vital measurement will be illegible. 1872% 1873Once a dish is fouled up, anything added to save it 1874only makes it worse. 1875% 1876You are always complimented on the item which took the 1877least effort to prepare. 1878 1879Example: 1880 If you make "duck a l'orange" you will be 1881 complimented on the baked potato. 1882% 1883The one ingredient you made a special trip to the store 1884to get will be the one thing your guest is allergic to. 1885% 1886The more time and energy you put into preparing a meal 1887the greater the chance you guests will spend the entire 1888meal discussing other meals they have had. 1889% 1890Souffles rise and cream whips only for the family and 1891for guests you didn't really want to invite anyway. 1892% 1893The rotten egg will be the one you break into the 1894cake batter. 1895% 1896Any cooking utensil placed in the dishwasher will be 1897needed immediately thereafter for something else. 1898% 1899Any measuring utensil used for liquid ingredients will 1900be needed immediately thereafter for dry ingredients. 1901% 1902Time spent consuming a meal is in inverse proportion 1903to time spent preparing it. 1904% 1905Whatever it is, somebody will have had it for lunch. 1906% 1907If you're wondering if you took the meat out to 1908thaw, you didn't. 1909% 1910If you're wondering if you left the coffee pot 1911plugged in, you did. 1912% 1913If you're wondering if you need to stop and pick up 1914bread and eggs on the way home, you do. 1915% 1916If you're wondering if you have enough money to take 1917the family out to eat tonight, you don't. 1918% 1919The spot you are scrubbing on glassware is always on 1920the other side. 1921% 1922Washing machines only break down during the wash cycle. 1923% 1924All break downs occur on the plumber's day off. 1925% 1926Cost of repair can be determined by multiplying the 1927cost of your new coat by 1.75, or by multiplying the 1928cost of a new washer by .75. 1929% 1930There is always more dirty laundry then clean laundry. 1931% 1932If it's clean, it isn't laundry. 1933% 1934A child will not spill on a dirty floor. 1935% 1936An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. 1937% 1938Any child who chatters non-stop at home will adamantly 1939refuse to utter a word when requested to demonstrate 1940for an audience. 1941% 1942A shy, introverted child will choose a crowded public 1943area to loudly demonstrate new acquired vocabulary. 1944% 1945The probablility of a cat eating its dinner has 1946absolutely nothing to do with the price of the food 1947placed before it. 1948% 1949The probability that a household pet will raise a fuss 1950to go in or out is directly proportional to the number 1951and importance of your dinner guests. 1952% 1953The stomach expands to accommodate the amount of 1954junk food available. 1955% 1956If you buy bananas or avocados before they are ripe, 1957there won't be any left by the time they are ripe. If 1958you buy them ripe, they rot before they are eaten. 1959% 1960How long a minute is depends on which side of the 1961bathroom door you're on. 1962% 1963The life expectancy of a house plant varies inversely 1964with its price and directly with its ugliness. 1965% 1966If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch 1967it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode. 1968% 1969If there are only two shows worth watching, they will 1970be on together. 1971% 1972The only new TV show worth watching will be cancelled. 1973% 1974The TV show you've been looking forward to all week 1975will be preempted. 1976% 1977Most people deserve each other. 1978% 1979Possessions increase to fill the space available for 1980their storage. 1981% 1982When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal 1983% 1984(1) The telephone will ring when you are outside the 1985 door, fumbling for your keys. 1986 1987(2) You will reach it just in time to hear the click 1988 of the caller hanging up. 1989% 1990People to whom you are attracted invariably thing you 1991remind them of someone else. 1992% 1993The one who snores will fall asleep first. 1994% 1995Never get excited about a blind date because of how 1996it sounds over the phone. 1997% 1998The love letter you finally got the courage to send 1999will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to 2000make a fool of yourself in person. 2001% 2002Other people's romantic gestures seem novel and exciting. 2003 2004Your own romantic gestures seem foolish and clumsy. 2005% 2006The length of a marriage is inversely proportional 2007to the amount spent on the wedding. 2008% 2009The probablility of meeting someone you know increases 2010when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. 2011% 2012If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember 2013you - the next time he's in need. 2014% 2015If you do something right once, someone will ask 2016you to do it again. 2017% 2018The one day you'd sell your soul for something, 2019souls are a glut. 2020% 2021The scratch on the record is always through the song 2022you like most. 2023% 2024Superiority is recessive. 2025% 2026Forgive and remember. 2027% 2028Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral 2029or fattening. 2030% 2031Anything good in life either causes cancer in 2032laboratory mice or is taxed beyond reality. 2033% 2034To err is human -- to blame it on someone else is 2035even more human. 2036% 2037Whatever happens to you, it will previously have 2038happened to everyone you know only more so. 2039% 2040He who laughs last -- probably didn't get the joke. 2041% 2042Don't worry over what other people are thinking about 2043you. They're too busy worrying over what you are 2044thinking about them. 2045% 2046In a bureaucratic hierarchy, the higher up the 2047organization the less people appreciate Murphy's law, 2048the Peter Principle, etc. 2049% 2050Law expands in proportion to the resources available 2051for its enforcement. 2052% 2053Bad law is more likely to be supplemented than repealed. 2054% 2055There are some things which are impossible to know - 2056but it is impossible to know these things. 2057% 2058When we try to pick out anything by itself we find 2059it hitched to everything else in the universe. 2060% 2061If one views his problem closely enough he will 2062recoginize himself as part of the problem. 2063% 2064Anything may be divided into as many parts as you please. 2065% 2066Everything may be divided into as many parts as you please. 2067% 2068If several things that could have gone wrong have not 2069gone wrong, it would have been ultimately beneficial 2070for them to have gone wrong. 2071% 2072The quickest way to experiment with acupuncture is to 2073try on a new shirt. 2074% 2075Absolutely nothing in the world is friendlier than 2076a wet dog. 2077% 2078The severity of an itch is inversely proportional 2079to the reach. 2080% 2081A hug is the perfect gift - one size fits all, and 2082nobody minds if you exchange it. 2083% 2084The only game that can't be fixed is peek-a-boo. 2085% 2086Ignorance should be painful. 2087% 2088The first insurance agent was David - 2089he gave Goliath a piece of the rock. 2090% 2091King Arthur ran the first knight club. 2092% 2093Magellan was the first strait man. 2094% 2095If you smile when everything goes wrong, you are 2096either a nitwit or a repariman. 2097% 2098If it weren't for the opinion polls we'd never know 2099what people are undecided about. 2100% 2101No news is ... impossible. 2102% 2103Laugh and the world laughs with you. cry and ... 2104you have to blow your nose. 2105% 2106A penny saved is ... not much. 2107% 2108He who marries for money ... better be nice to his wife. 2109% 2110It's always darkest before ... daylight saving time. 2111% 2112If at first you don't succeed ... get new batteries. 2113% 2114There is nothing more frightening than ignorance in action. 2115% 2116Life is like an ice-cream cone: You have to learn to 2117lick it. 2118% 2119One place where you're sure to find the perfect 2120driver is in the back seat. 2121% 2122Nothing is indestructible, with the possible exception 2123of discount-priced fruitcakes. 2124% 2125How do they know no two snowflakes are alike. 2126% 2127How did they measure hail before the golf ball was invented. 2128% 2129To err is human, to forgive is divine -- 2130but to forget it altogether is humane. 2131% 2132"Watching a birdie" in hand is safer that watching 2133one overhead. 2134% 2135The light at the end of the tunnel can be a helluva 2136nuisance, especially if your're using the tunnel 2137as a darkroom. 2138% 2139Never play leapfrog with a photo enlarger. 2140% 2141Never argue with an artist. 2142% 2143When in doubt, don't muble, overexpose ... then mumble. 2144% 2145The light at the end of the tunnel really is a train. 2146% 2147A budget is saving quarters in a mason jar for 2148Christmas and spending them by Easter. 2149% 2150A budget is spending $15.00 on gas to drive to a 2151shopping mall to save $4.30 on a 20 pound turkey. 2152% 2153A budget is wondering why you should balance yours 2154if the government can not balance theirs. 2155% 2156A budget is trying to figure out how the family next 2157door is doing it. 2158% 2159A budget is a plan that falls apart when the plumber 2160has to make an emergency visit. 2161% 2162A budget is trying to make $25.00 go as far today as 2163it did when you were first married. 2164% 2165A budget is buying a dress two sizes too small because 2166it was marked down. 2167% 2168You sure have to borrow a lot of money these days to 2169be an average consumer. 2170% 2171He who dies with the most toys wins. 2172% 2173A fool and his money soon go partying. 2174% 2175If his IQ was any lower he'd be a plant. 2176% 2177Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects. 2178% 2179It is far better to do nothing that to do 2180something efficiently. 2181 -- Siezbo 2182% 2183The man who has no more problems is out of the game. 2184% 2185The race goes not always to the swift, nor the battle 2186to the strong, but that's the way to bet. 2187% 2188A fool and his money are invited places. 2189% 2190All things come to him whose name is on a mailing list. 2191% 2192The hand that rocks the craddle usually is attached 2193to someone who isn't getting enough sleep. 2194% 2195After winning an argument with his wife, 2196the wisest thing a man can do is apologize. 2197% 2198If opportunity came disguised as temptation, 2199one knock would be enough. 2200% 2201If there was any justice in this world, people would 2202occasionally be permitted to fly over pigeons. 2203% 2204Easy doesn't do it. 2205% 2206Most people want to be delivered from temptation but 2207would like it to keep in touch. 2208% 2209When a distinguised scientist states something is possible, 2210he is almost certainly right. When he states that 2211something is impossible, he is very probably wrong. 2212% 2213Everyone gets away with something. 2214No one gets away with everything. 2215% 2216Remain silent about your intentions until you are sure 2217% 2218Calm down .... it is only ones and zeros. 2219% 2220Real programmers don't write COBOL. 2221COBOL is for wimpy applications programmers. 2222% 2223I have not lost my mind, it is backed up on tape somewhere. 2224% 2225Real programmers do not document. 2226Documentation is for simps who can't read listings or 2227object code. 2228% 2229Real programmers don't write specs -- users should 2230consider themselves lucky to get any programs at all and 2231take what they get. 2232% 2233Real programmers don't comment their code. if it is hard 2234to write, it should be hard to understand. 2235% 2236Real programmers don't write apllications programs; they 2237program right down on the bare metal. Application 2238programming is for feebs who can't do systems programming. 2239% 2240Real programmers don't eat quiche. In fact, real 2241programmers don't know how to spell quiche. They eat 2242twinkies and szechwan food. 2243% 2244Real programmer's programs never work the first time. But 2245if you throw them on the machine, they can be patched into 2246working in "only a few" 30-hour debugging sessions. 2247% 2248Real programmers don't write in Fortran. Fortran is for 2249pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies. 2250% 2251Real programmers never work 9 to 5. If any real 2252programmers are around at 9 a.m., it's because they 2253were up all night. 2254% 2255Real programmers don't write in Basic. Actually, no 2256programmers write in basic after age 12. 2257% 2258Real programmers don't write in PL/1. PL/1 is for 2259programmers who can't decide whether to write in 2260COBOL or Fortran. 2261% 2262Real programmers don't play tennis or any other sport 2263that requires you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is 2264O.K., and real programmers wear their climbing boots to work 2265in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle 2266of the machine room. 2267% 2268Real programmers don't write in Pascal, Bliss, or Ada, or 2269any of those pinko computer science languages. Strong 2270typing is for people with weak memories. 2271% 2272On a clear disk, you can seek forever. 2273% 2274Hollerith got us into this hole mess! 2275% 2276No major project is ever installed on time, within budgets, 2277with the same staff that started it. Yours will not be the 2278first. 2279% 2280When things are going well, something will go wrong. 2281When things just can't get any worse, they will. 2282When things appear to be going better you have overlooked 2283something. 2284% 2285If project content is allowed to change freely, the rate of 2286change will exceed the rate of progress. 2287% 2288No system is ever completely debugged: Attempts to debug 2289a system will inevitably introduce new bugs that are even 2290harder to find. 2291% 2292A carelessly planned project will take three times 2293longer than expected; a carefully planned project will 2294take only twice as long. 2295% 2296After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said 2297than done 2298% 2299If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist. 2300% 2301Never wrestle with a pig; you both get dirty, and the pig 2302likes it! 2303% 2304Never argue with an idiot: People watching may not be able 2305to tell the difference. 2306% 2307Don't fight with a bear in his own cage. 2308% 2309The six steps of program management are: 2310(1) Wild enthusiasm 2311(2) Disenchantment 2312(3) Total confusion 2313(4) Search for guilty 2314(5) Punishment for the innocent 2315(6) Promotion of the non-participants 2316% 2317He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from 2318the next freeway exit. 2319% 2320An expert doesn't know any more than you do. He or she is 2321merely better organized and uses slides. 2322% 2323Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn't have 2324to do it himself/herself. 2325% 2326You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to 2327float on his back, you've really got something. 2328% 2329You win some, lose some, and some get rained out; but you 2330gotta suit up for them all. 2331% 2332People are promoted not by what they can do, but what 2333people think they can do. 2334% 2335Don't smoke in bed - the ashes on the floor might be your 2336own. 2337