171: 2 69 with two fingers up your ass. 3 -- George Carlin 4% 5A bureaucracy is like a septic tank -- all the really big shits float 6to the top. 7% 8A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on 9Saturday and is going to do on Monday. 10 -- Thomas Ybarra 11% 12A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for 13the first time. 14 -- Alfred E. Wiggam 15% 16A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never 17learned to walk. 18 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt 19% 20A friend with weed is a friend indeed. 21% 22A hard man is good to find. 23% 24A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy. 25% 26A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a 27good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious 28scruples and the police. 29 -- Mr. Dooley 30% 31A Nixon [is preferable to] a Dean Rusk -- who will be passionately 32wrong with a high sense of consistency. 33 -- J. K. Galbraith 34% 35A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms. 36 -- Phyllis Schlafly 37% 38A nymph hits you and steals your virginity. 39% 40A person who has both feet planted firmly in the air can be safely 41called a liberal. 42% 43A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone, somewhere, is 44having fun. 45% 46A reactionary is a man whose political opinions always manage to keep 47up with yesterday. 48% 49A woman is like a dresser ... some man always goin' through her 50drawers. 51 -- Blind Lemon Pledge 52% 53A.I. hackers do it with robots. 54% 55Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder. 56% 57Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western 58religion, Rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of 59Western science. 60 -- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters" 61% 62Achilles' Biological Findings: 63 (1) If a child looks like his father, that's heredity. If he 64 looks like a neighbor, that's environment. 65 (2) A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first 66 -- the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the 67 rooster. 68% 69Aide to Raygun: Sir, the poor are outside protesting your budget 70 cuts. 71Raygun himself: Tell them they'll have to help themselves. 72Aide to Raygun: Sir, the Pentagon wants another $30 billion. 73Raygun himself: Tell them to help themselves. 74% 75All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ, a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm 76place to shift. 77% 78All the waters of the earth are in the armpit of the Great Frog. 79 -- R. Crumb 80% 81All things dull and ugly, All creatures short and squat, 82 All things rude and nasty, The Lord God made the lot; 83Each little snake that poisons, Each little wasp that stings, 84 He made their brutish venom, He made their horrid wings. 85All things sick and cancerous, All evil great and small, 86 All things foul and dangerous, The Lord God made them all. 87Each nasty little hornet, Each beastly little squid. 88 Who made the spikey urchin? Who made the sharks? He did. 89All things scabbed and ulcerous, All pox both great and small. 90 Putrid, foul and gangrenous, The Lord God made them all. 91 -- Monty Python's Flying Circus 92% 93America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room. Every time it 94wags its tail, it knocks over a chair. 95 -- Arnold Joseph Toynbee 96% 97An Army travels on her stomach. 98% 99An egg has the shortest sex-life of all: it gets laid once; it gets 100eaten once. It also has to come in a box with 11 others, and the only 101person who will sit on its face is its mother. 102% 103"And Bezel saideth unto Sham: `Sham,' he saideth, `Thou shalt goest 104unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine 105bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits, 106provideth that they are nice and fresh.'" 107 -- Dave Barry, "Getting Religion" 108% 109 And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?" 110 They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the 111ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our 112very selfhood revealed." 113 And Jesus replied, "What?" 114% 115... And then there's the guy who bought 20,000 bras, cut them in half, 116and sold 40,000 yamalchas with chin straps... 117% 118Anxiety, n.: 119 The first time you can't do it a second time. 120 121Panic, n.: 122 The second time you can't do it the first time. 123% 124"Anything created must necessarily be inferior to the essence of the creator." 125 -- Claude Shouse 126 127"Einstein's mother must have been one heck of a physicist." 128 -- Joseph C. Wang 129% 130Approximately 80% of our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons 131released by vegetation, so let's not go overboard in setting and 132enforcing tough emissions standards from man-made sources. 133 -- Ronald Reagan 134% 135Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was 136popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red- 137blooded born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from 138back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady. The city- 139slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, 140"Lady, I'll give you $10 for a blow job." The Texas gentleman looked 141appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city-slicker on the 142spot. The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, suh, for defendin' mah 143honor!" Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, 144hell! No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of women in Texas!" 145% 146Baltimore, n.: 147 Where the women wear turtleneck sweaters to hide their flea 148collars. 149% 150Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal). 151% 152Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think 153Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 154 155 (1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 156 (2) Advising the President. 157 (3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin. 158 -- David Letterman 159% 160Be prepared... that's the Boy Scout's solemn creed. 161Be prepared... to be clean in word and deed. 162Don't solicit for your sister, that's not nice, 163Unless you get a good percentage of her price ... 164 -- Tom Lehrer 165% 166Behold the unborn fetus and 167 Weep salt tears crocodilian; 168All life is sacred (save, of course, 169 An enemy civilian). 170% 171Being stoned on marijuana isn't very different from being stoned on 172gin. 173 -- Ralph Nader 174% 175Beneath this stone a virgin lies, 176For her life held no terrors. 177A virgin born, a virgin died: 178No hits, no runs, no errors. 179% 180Beware of altruism. It is based on self-deception, the root of all 181evil. 182% 183Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth. 184% 185Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question. 186% 187Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere, 188Yankee Ingenuity did exactly that. But their true stroke of genius was 189the new bait. The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese; 190nobody cares much about cheese, except mice. But when American 191Know-How reloaded the brassiere with tits, every heterosexual male in 192the country was hopelessly trapped. 193 -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*" 194% 195... But the reward of a successful collaboration is a thing that cannot 196be produced by either of the parties working alone. It is akin to the 197benefits of sex with a partner, as opposed to masturbation. The latter 198is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing with 199him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole bunch 200of knuckles. 201 -- Harlan Ellison 202% 203"California is proud to be the home of the freeway." 204 -- Ronald Reagan 205% 206"Can you hammer a 6-inch spike into a wooden plank with your penis?" 207 208"Uh, not right now." 209 210"Tsk. A girl has to have some standards." 211 -- "Real Genius" 212% 213Captain Hook died of jock itch. 214% 215Champagne don't make me lazy. 216Cocaine don't drive me crazy. 217Ain't nobody's business but my own. 218 -- Taj Mahal 219% 220Chaste makes waste. 221% 222Chipmunks roasting on an open fire 223Jack Frost ripping up your nose 224Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire 225And folks dressed up like buffaloes 226Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow 227Helps to make the season right 228Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out 229Will find it hard to see tonight 230They know that Santa's on his way 231He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh 232And every mother's child is sure to spy 233To see if reindeer really scream when they die 234And so I'm offering this simple phrase 235To kids from one to ninety two 236Although it's been said many times, many ways 237Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Fuck you!! 238% 239Christian, n.: 240 One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired 241book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who 242follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent 243with a life of sin. 244% 245Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found 246difficult and not tried. 247 -- G. K. Chesterton 248% 249Clarke's Third Law: 250 Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from 251magic. 252 253G's Third Law: 254 In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe 255is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit. 256 257H's Dictum: 258 There is no magic... 259% 260Claude believed that only smart attractive people had the right to 261fuck, and it sincerely hurt him when he discovered evidence to the 262contrary. 263 -- Tom Robbins 264% 265CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range) 266 267Oh, give me a clone 268Of my own flesh and bone 269 With the Y chromosome changed to X. 270And when she is grown, 271My very own clone, 272 We'll be of the opposite sex. 273 274Chorus: 275 Clone, clone of my own, 276 With the Y chromosome changed to X. 277 And when we're alone, 278 Since her mind is my own, 279 She'll be thinking of nothing but sex. 280 -- Randall Garrett 281% 282Cocaine is nature's way of telling you you have too much money. 283% 284Coito ergo sum 285% 286College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in, and nine months 287later you wish you'd never come. 288% 289Communists do it without class. 290% 291Condoms are like listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears. 292% 293Conservative, n.: 294 One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead. 295 -- Leo C. Rosten 296% 297Conserve energy -- make love more slowly. 298% 299Cunnilingus is next to godliness. 300% 301Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you? _____FIRST you rape, ____THEN you 302pillage!! 303% 304Dear Lord, observe this bended knee 305This visage meek and humble, 306And hear this confidential plea 307Voiced in reverent mumble: 308 Give me Shylock, give me Fagin 309 But O God spare me Ronald Reagan! 310 -- Ansel Adams 311% 312Dear Mr. Seldes: I cannot remember the exact wording of the statement 313to which you allude; but what I meant was that ... a man who calls 314himself a 100% American and is proud of it, is generally 150% an idiot 315politically. But the designations may be good business for war 316veterans. Having bled for their country in 1861 and 1918, they have 317bled it all they could consequently. And why not? 318 -- George Seldes, "The Great Quotations" 319% 320Democracy can learn some things from Communism: for example, when a 321Communist politician is through, he is through. 322% 323Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for 324the people. 325 -- Oscar Wilde 326% 327Did you hear about the new German microwave oven? 328 329 ... Seats 500. 330% 331Did you know that Spiro Agnew is an anagram of "Grow a Penis"? 332% 333Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.? 334% 335[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are 336two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity: 337 338(1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and 339 confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold 340 a press conference where you announce that they have a street value 341 of $850 million. These raids never fail, because ALL high schools, 342 including brand-new, never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana 343 cigarettes in the lockers. As far as anyone can tell, the locker 344 factory puts them there. 345(2) Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you 346 announce you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a 347 piece of human sleaze. This also never fails, because you always 348 get a conviction. A juror at a pornography trial is not about to 349 state for the record that he finds nothing obscene about a movie 350 where actors engage in sexual activities with live snakes and a 351 fire extinguisher. He is going to convict the bookstore owner, and 352 vote for the death penalty just to make sure nobody gets the wrong 353 impression. 354 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" 355% 356Do something big -- fuck a giant 357% 358"Do you cheat on your wife?" asked the psychiatrist. 359"Who else?" answered the patient. 360% 361Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning. 362% 363Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash. 364 -- Bo Diddley 365% 366Dope will get you through times of no money better that money will get 367you through times of no dope. 368 -- Gilbert Shelton 369% 370Draft beer, not people 371% 372Eat the rich -- the poor are tough and stringy. 373% 374Eisenhower was very nice, 375Nixon was his only vice. 376 -- C. Degen 377% 378Eleven reasons a cucumber is better than a man: 379 (1) Cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to 380 sleep in the wet spot. 381 (2) Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find 382 themselves. 383 (3) You won't find out later that your cucumber (a) is 384 married, (b) is on penicillin, (c) likes you -- but loves 385 your brother! 386 (4) A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is. 387 (5) A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are 388 wet. 389 (6) Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a 390 boy". 391 (7) Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count. 392 (8) A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun. 393 (9) Cucumbers don't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the 394 pillow. 395 (10) Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do. 396 (11) With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you 397 left it. 398% 399Equality is not when a female Einstein gets promoted to assistant 400professor; equality is when a female schlemiel moves ahead as fast as a 401male schlemiel. 402 -- Ewald Nyquist 403% 404Evangelists do it with Him watching. 405% 406Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling 407just a bit unchivalrous ... 408 -- Robert Benchley 409% 410Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of 411women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their 412handbags are full. 413 -- Earl Wilson 414% 415Fie for shame, you lascivious, lewd, lecherous, libidinous, lustful, 416licentious, dirty bum!! 417% 418Floppy now, hard later. 419% 420For those of you how have been looking for evidence that a working 421version of "Star Wars" can be built, consider the following proof 422offered by Caspar Weinberger: 423 424 "If such a system is so unattainable, why have the Soviets been 425 working desperately to get it for over 17 years?" 426 427 -- USA Today, 24 June 1986 428% 429Fornication, n.: 430 Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with. 431% 432Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #25: 433 434Q: You say you had three men punching at you, kicking you, raping you, 435 and you didn't scream? 436A: No ma'am. 437Q: Does that mean you consented? 438A: No, ma'am. That means I was unconscious. 439% 440George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but 441he also admitted doing it. Now, do you know why his father didn't 442punish him? Because George still had the axe in his hand. 443% 444Getting an education at the University of California is like having 445$50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time. 446% 447Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. 448 -- Mark Twain 449% 450 God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no 451matter what style of fucking it practiced. He made sex irresistibly 452pleasurable, wildly joyous, free from fears. He made it innocent 453merriment. 454 Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit. Everyone 455agreed, from aardvarks to zebras. All the jolly animals -- lions and 456lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects, 457though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along 458innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they 459were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one. 460 -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*" 461% 462God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends. 463% 464God is an atheist. 465% 466GOD is applied POWER 467 which is applied GOVERNMENT 468 which is applied POLITICS 469 which is applied ADVERTISING 470 which is applied SOCIOLOGY 471 which is applied PSYCHOLOGY 472 which is applied BIOLOGY 473 which is applied CHEMISTRY 474 which is applied PHYSICS 475 which is applied MATH 476 which is applied PHILOSOPHY 477 which is applied BULLSHIT 478% 479"God is as real as I am," the old man said. My faith was restored, for 480I knew that Santa would never lie. 481% 482God is big, so don't fuck with him. 483% 484God isn't dead -- he's been busted. 485% 486God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft. 487% 488God must love assholes -- She made so many of them. 489% 490God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on 491where to go. 492 "Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter. 493 "No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God. 494 "Well, how about Mercury?" 495 "No, it's too hot there." 496 "Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?" 497 "No," said God, "They're such horrible gossips. When I was 498there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're 499still talking about it." 500% 501Good day for water sports. Take a bath with a friend. 502% 503Grain grows best in shit. 504 -- Ursula K. LeGuin 505% 506Gravity is an unforgiving motherfucker. 507% 508Great Lover, n.: 509 A man who can breathe through his ears. 510% 511Hackers do it with all sorts of characters. 512% 513Hackers do it with bugs. 514% 515Hackers do it with fewer instructions. 516% 517Hackers know all the right MOVs. 518% 519Haggis, n.: 520 Haggis is a kind of stuff black pudding eaten by the Scots and 521considered by them to be not only a delicacy but fit for human 522consumption. The minced heart, liver and lungs of a sheep, calf or 523other animal's inner organs are mixed with oatmeal, sealed and boiled 524in maw in the sheep's intestinal stomach-bag and ... Excuse me a minute ... 525% 526Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is 527to mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding. The principal 528difference between the husbandryman and the historian is that the 529former breeds sheep or cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed) 530facts. The husbandryman uses his skills to enrich the future; the 531historian uses his to enrich the past. Both are usually up to their 532ankles in bullshit. 533 -- Tom Robbins 534% 535Having discovered the possibility that other creatures could be used 536for sexual intercourse, early man was likely to have made many such 537attempts ... though it is doubtful that he was so sexually carnivorous 538as the Christian and Jewish Adam, who, rabbinical interpreters of the 539Old Testament tell us, had intercourse with every creature before God 540finally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve. 541 -- R. E. Masters 542% 543He could be a poster child for retroactive birth control. 544% 545He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Governor -- Hell, they 546_H_A_D to make him President of the United States. It's the only job he's 547qualified for! 548 -- Michael Cain 549% 550He who findeth sensuous pleasures in the bodies of lush, hot, pink 551damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun. 552% 553He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own 554hands. 555% 556He's not pining, he's passed on! This parrot won't squawk! He's 557ceased to be! He's expired, and gone to meet his maker! It's a 558stiff! No breath of life, he may rest in peace! If you hadn't nailed 559him to the perch, he'd be pushing up the daisies! He's off the twig! 560He's kicked the bucket! He's curled up his tooties! He's shuffled off 561this mortal world! He's run down the curtain, and joined the bleed'n 562Choir Invincible! HE'S FUCKING SNUFFED IT! Vis-a-vi his metabolic 563processes is head is lost. All statements concerning this parrot is no 564longer a going concern, after from now on, Inoperative... 565 566 THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!! 567% 568Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest 569in a yak. 570 -- Woody Allen 571% 572Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her. 573% 574Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled with 575the issue of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John Paul 576Stevens came up with the famous quotation about how he couldn't define 577pornography, but he knew it when he saw it. So for a while, the 578court's policy was to have all the suspected pornography trucked to 579Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it over. "Nope, this isn't 580it," he'd say. "Bring some more." This went on until one morning when 581his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an 582enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a 583ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except 584that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about 585it because the court was going to take a nap. 586 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" 587% 588Here's the holiday schedule for Monday's observation of Martin Luther 589King Jr.'s birthday, when the following will be closed: 590 591 * Governmental offices 592 * Post offices 593 * Libraries 594 * Schools 595 * Banks 596 * Parts of Palm Beach 597 598and the mind of Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina. 599 -- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live" 600% 601History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion -- 602i.e., none to speak of. 603 -- Lazarus Long 604% 605How do you like the new America? We've cut the fat out of the 606government, and more recently the heart and brain (the backbone was 607gone some time ago). All we seem to have left now is muscle. We'll be 608lucky to escape with our skins! 609% 610Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole. 611 -- John Valby 612% 613Hugh Hefner is a virgin. 614% 615I am an atheist, thank God! 616% 617I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it 618once was ... an arctic wilderness. 619 -- Steve Martin 620% 621I came; I saw; I fucked up. 622% 623I have a funny daddy 624Who goes in and out with me 625And everything that baby does 626Daddy's sure to see, 627And everything that baby says, 628My daddy's sure to tell. 629You _m_u_s_t have read my daddy's verse. 630I hope he fries in Hell. 631 -- Ogden Nash 632% 633I love this fucking University, and this University loves fucking me. 634% 635I own my own body, but I share. 636% 637I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as 638Martina Navratilova who can run like deer and bench-press Chevrolet 639trucks. But to be brutally frank, women as a group have a long way to 640go before they reach the level of intensity and dedication to sports 641that enables men to be such incredible jerks about it. 642 -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" 643% 644I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of 645oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate 646commerce. 647 -- J. Edgar Hoover 648% 649I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass. 650 -- Barry Goldwater 651% 652I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse than anything else 653that has ever happened, and vice versa. 654 -- Frank Zappa 655% 656I walked on toward Ploughwright, thinking about feces. What a lot we 657had found out about the prehistoric past from the study of fossilized 658dung of long-vanished animals. A miraculous thing, really; a recovery 659from the past from what was carelessly rejected. And in the Middle 660Ages, how concerned people who lived close to the world of nature were 661with the feces of animals. And what a variety of names they had for 662them: the Crotels of a Hare, the Friants of a Boar, the Spraints of 663an Otter, the Werderobe of a Badger, the Waggying of a Fox, the Fumets 664of a Deer. Surely there might be some words for the material so near 665to the heart of Ozy Froats [an academic studying feces] than shit? 666What about the Problems of a President, the Backward Passes of a 667Footballer, the Deferrals of a Dean, the Odd Volumes of a Librarian, 668the Footnotes of a Ph.D., the Low Grades of a Freshman, the Anxieties 669of an Untenured Professor? 670 -- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels" 671% 672I would like to suggest that you not use speed, and here's why: it is 673going to mess up your heart, mess up your liver, your kidneys, rot out 674your mind. In general this drug will make you just like your mother 675and father. 676 -- Frank Zappa 677% 678I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of having to stay dead that 679scares the shit out of me. 680 -- R. Geis 681% 682I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on 683now. 684% 685I'm for peace -- I've yet to see a man wake up in the morning and say 686"I've just had a good war." 687 -- Mae West 688% 689I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, 690it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French 691government -- I'd give it all up for one erection. 692 -- Groucho Marx 693% 694I've had one child. My husband wants to have another. I'd like to 695watch him have another. 696% 697If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing his hair. If this doesn't 698work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child. 699% 700If all these sweet young things were laid end-to-end, I wouldn't be a 701bit surprised. 702 -- Dorothy Parker 703% 704If anyone wants to trade a couple of centrally located, well-cushioned 705showgirls for an eroded slope 90 minutes from Broadway, I'll be on this 706corner tomorrow at 11 with my tongue hanging out. 707 -- S. J. Perelman 708% 709If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in 710James Watt's office. 711 -- Wayne Shannon, KRON-TV 712% 713If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had 10 714apostles. 715% 716If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals? 717% 718If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound? 719% 720If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament. 721% 722If Reagan is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question. 723% 724If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would 725suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is only 726fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966, 727only two went back to women. 728 -- Mort Sahl 729% 730If the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream 731and never be our destiny. 732 -- Ren'e de Visme Williamson 733% 734If you can believe ten impossible things before breakfast, then you 735should join 736 737 THE CHURCH OF COUNTERFACTUAL BELIEF 738 739The Church of Counterfactual Belief has been set up to cater to all who 740don't allow demonstrable truth to get in the way of their beliefs. In 741addition to creation science and the flatness of the earth, the 742following beliefs have been certified by Pope Duane as Church dogma: 743 744 -- That there is a hole in the Earth at the North Pole from which 745 UFOs come. 746 -- That pi equals precisely 3.000. 747 -- That sex can be enjoyed only by blacks and homosexuals. 748 -- That Billy Joe Wilson (Hoopla, Miss.) has successfully squared 749 the circle. 750 -- That Harry Truman is still president, and doing a fine job. 751 -- That pi equals precisely 22/7. 752 753Several other important counterfactual beliefs are presently being 754studied, including Reaganomics, A.I., and that the moon landings were 755done in a Hollywood special effects studio. These will be the subject 756of a forthcoming Papal Bull ... 757% 758If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody 759in the whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments. 760% 761If you think sex is a pain in the ass, try different position. 762% 763If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a piggy-back ride on a 764buzz-saw. 765 -- W. C. Fields 766% 767Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion. 768 -- Robert Burton 769% 770In Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact with 771reality at any point. 772 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 773% 774 In the beginning was the DEMO Project. And the Project was 775without form. And darkness was upon the staff members thereof. So 776they spake unto their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit, 777and it stinks." 778 779 And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying, 780"It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof." Now, 781the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying, "It is a 782container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none may abide 783before it." And it came to pass that the Directorate Head spake unto 784the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer 785and none may abide by its strength." 786 787 And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the 788Technical Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and 789it is very strong." And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto 790the Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the 791growth of the Laboratories." 792 793 And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that 794it was Good! 795% 796Incest, n.: 797 Sibling revelry. 798% 799Is it just me, or does anyone else read "bible humpers" every time 800someone writes "bible thumpers?" 801 -- Joel M. Snyder, jms@mis.arizona.edu 802% 803It is a sad commentary on today's society that this fortune has to be 804classified as "offensive" simply because it contains the word "fuck". 805% 806"It says he made us all to be just like him. So if we're dumb, then 807god is dumb, and maybe even a little ugly on the side." 808 -- Frank Zappa 809% 810It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country. The 811Greeks never said it was sweet to die for anything. They had no vital 812lies. 813 -- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way" 814% 815Jesus died for your sins. Make it worth his time. 816% 817Jesus saves...but Gretzky gets the rebound! 818 -- Daniel Hinojosa 819% 820Jesus was killed by a Moral Majority. 821% 822John Birch Society -- that pathetic manifestation of organized 823apoplexy. 824 -- Edward P. Morgan 825% 826Kasha, n.: 827 Kasha is always defined as "buckwheat groats". There's only 828one problem with this definition: what the fuck are "buckwheat 829groats"? *_I* know what they are -- they're kasha. But that doesn't 830help *___you* much. 831 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 832% 833Kill a commie for Christ! 834% 835Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if each acts like a vulture, 836all will end as doves. 837% 838Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone. 839% 840LET Jesus be YOUR anchor! 841 842So when Satan rocks your boat, THROW Jesus overboard! 843% 844... Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are. On one side, 845you have George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of 846fraternity hazing wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating 847stunts to win the approval of the Republican Right. For example, they 848had him make a speech oozing praise all over William Loeb, deceased 849publisher of the Manchester (N.H.) Union Leader and Slime Journalist. 850Loeb had dumped viciously all over George in the 1980 New Hampshire 851primary. But when the Right held a big tribute for Loeb, George came 852back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped around his 853neck. 854 -- Dave Barry, "The Twinkie and the Squid" 855% 856Life is like a penis: when it's soft you can't beat it, and when it's 857hard you get fucked. 858% 859Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it) ... 860% 861Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola. What ain't 862fruits and nuts is flakes. 863% 864Love does not make the world go around, just up and down a bit. 865% 866Mathematicians do it in theory. 867% 868Mathematicians take it to the limit. 869% 870May a diseased yak take a liking to your sister. 871% 872May the fairy god-camel leave a lump on your pillow! 873% 874Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci on the ACLU's suit to have a city 875nativity scene removed: 876 "They're just jealous because they don't have three wise men 877and a virgin in the whole organization." 878% 879Megaton Man: "LOOK at them! Helpless, tender creatures, relying on 880 ME, waiting for ME to make my move!" 881 882(from below): "Move your ASS, Fat-head!" 883 884Megaton Man: "It is a MANDATE, and I am DUTY BOUND to OBEY!" 885% 886Missionary Position: 887 The missionary on top. 888% 889Most legislators are so dumb that they couldn't pour piss out of a 890boot if the instructions were printed on the heel. 891% 892Motto of the Electrical Engineer: 893 Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis: it 894stays up as long as you don't fuck with it. 895% 896My brother-in-law has found a way to make ends meet. He goes around 897with his head stuck up his ass. 898% 899My country, right or wrong," is a thing that no patriot would think of 900saying except in a desperate case. It is like saying, "My mother, 901drunk or sober. 902 -- G. K. Chesterton 903% 904My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my 905family, it seems, begins where yours left off. 906 -- Alexandre Dumas, pere 907% 908 My Favorite Drugs [Sung to My Favorite Things] 909Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers 910Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars 911Reds and peyote to work out your bugs 912These are a few of my favorite drugs. 913 914Uppers and downers and methedrine freakout 915Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out 916Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs 917These are a few of my favorite drugs. 918 919Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys 920Users of heroin, often called junkies 921Methadone helps then to stop being thugs 922Takes them off one of my favorite drugs. 923 924 On a bad trip 925 When the cops come 926 When I lose my head 927 I simply take more of my favorite drugs 928 And then I'm not sad -- I'm dead! 929% 930 NEW ADDITION TO THE LIBRARY: 931"Sally", the department's new inflatable doll, is available on a 932short-term removal basis only -- please sign her out and return her 933promptly to avoid extended waits. (We are still awaiting shipment of 934our "Big John" doll.) 935% 936No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether 937she will or will not be a mother. 938 -- Margaret H. Sanger 939% 940Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends. 941 -- Woody Allen 942% 943Nothing is better than Sex. 944Masturbation is better than nothing. 945Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex. 946% 947Nuke the gay, unborn, baby whales for Jesus. 948% 949O'Riordan's Theorem: 950 Brains x Beauty = Constant. 951 952Purmal's Corollary: 953 As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity, 954availability goes to zero. 955% 956Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers. 957% 958Occident, n.: 959 The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It 960is largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful sub-tribe of the 961Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which 962they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, are the 963principal industries of the Orient. 964 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 965% 966Ocean, n.: 967 A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for 968man -- who has no gills. 969% 970Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to 971fly south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold, 972the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south. 973After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to 974earth in a barnyard almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on this 975little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure 976warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy the little sparrow 977began to sing. Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the 978chirping investigated the sounds. As Old Tom cleared away the manure, 979he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him. 980 981There are three morals to this story: 982 983(1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy. 984(2) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend. 985(3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut. 986% 987One day President Reagan, Chairman Andropov, the Pope, and a boy scout 988were flying together in an airplane. Right out in the middle of 989nowhere the plane developed engine trouble and started to go down. 990Unfortunately, only three parachutes could be found for the four 991passengers! Andropov grabbed one of the parachutes and declared 992"Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers revolution, my life must 993be spared," and he jumped out of the plane. Then Reagan exclaimed "As 994leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the world safe for 995democracy," and with that he too jumped to safety. Now if you are 996following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that 997there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers. The 998Pope looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and 999productive life, my son. You take the parachute and leave me in God's 1000hands." "That's very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but 1001there is no need. Reagan just jumped out with my knapsack." 1002% 1003One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not 1004there should be a Coastal Commission, I took a helicopter ride from Los 1005Angeles to San Diego. We passed several state beaches, some crowded 1006and some virtually empty. They had the same facilities, and in some 1007cases the crowded and the empty beach were within a quarter mile of 1008each other. Obviously many beach-goers prefer to be crowded together. 1009Buying more beaches that people won't go to because they prefer to be 1010crowded together on one beach is a ridiculous waste of our natural 1011resources and our taxes. 1012 -- Ronald Reagan 1013% 1014One thing I have no worry about is whether God exists. But it has 1015occurred to me that God has Alzheimer's and has forgotten we exist. 1016 -- Jane Wagner, "The Search for Signs of Intelligent 1017 Life in the Universe" 1018% 1019Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one, but nobody wants to 1020look at the other guy's. 1021 -- Hal Hickman 1022% 1023Our [softball] team usually puts the other woman at second base, where 1024the maximum possible number of males can get there on short notice to 1025help out in case of emergency. As far as I can tell, our second 1026basewoman is a pretty good baseball player, better than I am, anyway, 1027but there's no way to know for sure because if the ball gets anywhere 1028near her, a male comes barging over from, say, right field, to deal 1029with it. She's been on the team for three seasons now, but the males 1030still don't trust her. They know, deep in their souls, that if she had 1031to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she 1032probably would elect to save the infant's life, without ever 1033considering whether there were men on base. 1034 -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" 1035% 1036Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in 1037a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave 1038national emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to 1039gobble us up if we did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the 1040exorbitant sums demanded. Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem 1041never to have happened, seem never to have been quite real. 1042 -- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957 1043% 1044 Overheard in a bar: 1045Man: "Hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!" 1046Woman: "No, thanks, I've already got one ass-hole in there now." 1047% 1048People who develop the habit of thinking of themselves as world 1049citizens are fulfilling the first requirement of sanity in our time. 1050 -- Norman Cousins 1051% 1052Physicists do it with charm. 1053% 1054Politicians do it to everyone. 1055% 1056Posterity will ne'er survey 1057A nobler grave than this; 1058Here lie the bones of Castlereagh; 1059Stop, traveler, and piss. 1060 -- Lord Byron, on Lord Castlereagh 1061% 1062Procrastinators do it tomorrow. 1063% 1064Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole and 1065still come out ahead. 1066% 1067Q: How do you play religious roulette? 1068A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck 1069 by lightning first. 1070% 1071Q: How do you tell if an elephant has been making love in your 1072 backyard? 1073A: If all your trashcan liners are missing ... 1074% 1075Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, 1076 or an airline stewardess? 1077A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says: 1078 "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it 1079 right." An airline stewardess says: "Just hold this over your 1080 mouth and nose, and breath normally." 1081% 1082Q: How many right-to-lifers does it take to change a light bulb? 1083A: Two. One to screw it in and one to say that light started when the 1084 screwing began. 1085% 1086Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb? 1087A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself. 1088% 1089Q: How much money do you give to a 900 foot Jesus? 1090A: As much as he wants. 1091% 1092Q: If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess, what would Cheetah 1093 be? 1094A: A fur coat. 1095% 1096Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls? 1097A: Walk him and pitch to the rhino. 1098% 1099Q: What do you get when you cross James Dean with Ronald Reagan? 1100A: A rebel without a clue. 1101% 1102Q: What is "SMOORPLAY"? 1103A: It's what SMURFS do before they SMUCK, of course! 1104% 1105Q: What is the worst story Helen Keller ever read? 1106A: A cheese grater. 1107% 1108Q: What's Jewish foreplay? 1109A: Two hours of begging. 1110% 1111Q: Where can you buy black lace crotchless panties for sheep? 1112A: Fredrick's of Ithaca, New York. 1113% 1114Q: Where does virgin wool come from? 1115A: Ugly sheep. 1116% 1117Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand? 1118A: So she can moan with the other! 1119% 1120Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in 1121exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday. Mannis feels he must 1122devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might emanate 1123from a recent statement he made comparing New York Mayor Ed Koch to 1124Nazi Martin Bormann. A spokesman from the Bormann estate said they are 1125weighing the odds of a slander suit. Mayor Koch could naturally be 1126reached for comment, but we chose not to listen. 1127 -- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live" 1128% 1129Randel, n.: 1130 A nonsensical poem recited by Irish schoolboys as an apology 1131for farting at a friend. 1132 -- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure & 1133 Preposterous Words 1134% 1135Reagan can't _a_c_t either. 1136% 1137Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls? Only 1138sissies liked girls? What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's 1139changed. You think boys grow out of not liking girls, but we don't 1140grow out of it. We just grow horny. That's the problem. We mix up 1141liking pussy for liking girls. Believe me, one couldn't have less to 1142do with the other. 1143 -- Jules Feiffer 1144% 1145Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in this 1146country. The remainder is thrown out. 1147% 1148Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians and eyebrows. 1149Democrats raise Airedales, kids and taxes. 1150 1151Democrats eat the fish they catch. 1152Republicans hang them on the wall. 1153 1154Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican 1155girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first. 1156 1157Democrats make up plans and then do something else. 1158Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made. 1159 1160Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA. 1161The remainder is thrown out. 1162 1163Republicans sleep in twin beds -- some even in separate rooms. 1164That is why there are more Democrats. 1165 -- The Official Rules, as compiled by Paul Dickson 1166% 1167Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom 1168any reason why they should. Democrats ought to, but don't. 1169% 1170Ronald Reagan -- America's favorite placebo 1171% 1172Save Soviet Jewry -- Win Valuable Prizes!!!! 1173% 1174Sex is like a bridge game -- If you have a good hand no partner is 1175needed. 1176% 1177Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation ... the other eight 1178are unimportant. 1179 -- Henry Miller 1180% 1181Sex is the poor man's opera. 1182 -- G. B. Shaw 1183% 1184She asked me if I loved her still. "Yes," I replied. "I've never had 1185you any other way." 1186% 1187She hates testicles, thus limiting the men she can admire to Democratic 1188candidates for president. 1189 -- John Greenway, "The American Tradition", on feminist 1190 Elizabeth Gould Davis 1191% 1192... So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even worse 1193is, our standards keep changing. Take Playboy magazine. Back in the 11941950s, when I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was 1195considered just about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever 1196showed was women's breasts. Granted, any given one of these breasts 1197would have provided adequate shelter for a family of four, but the 1198overall effect was no more explicit than many publications we think 1199nothing of today, such as Sports Illustrated's Annual Nipples Poking 1200Through Swimsuits Issue. 1201 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" 1202% 1203Sooner or later, generals will own you. 1204% 1205Statisticians do it with 95% confidence. 1206% 1207Statisticians probably do it. 1208% 1209Subpoena, n.: 1210 From the root "sub", below, and the Latin "poena" for male 1211organ or penis. Therefore, "below the penis" or "by the balls." 1212% 1213Support the right of unborn males to bear arms! 1214 -- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly, 1215 the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle 1216 Association 1217% 1218Sure eating yogurt will improve your sex life. People know that if 1219you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything. 1220% 1221Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests. But what if he 1222forgets? 1223% 1224Taxes should hurt. I just mailed my own tax return last night and I 1225am prepared to say `ouch!' as loud as anyone. 1226 -- Ronald Reagan 1227% 1228The Army is a place where you get up early in the morning to be yelled 1229at by people with short haircuts and tiny brains. 1230 -- Dave Barry 1231% 1232 The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can't 1233just say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these 1234primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot, 1235and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal 1236saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think 1237you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same 1238time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of 1239Northern Mali that you may be interested in." 1240 So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic 1241publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest 1242naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason 1243naked, or whatever. But if National Geographic were to publish an 1244article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System 1245Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography. But 1246others would not. And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev. 1247Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked. 1248 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" 1249% 1250The computer is the ultimate polluter: its shit is indistinguishable 1251from the food it produces. 1252% 1253 The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff: "You 1254claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle in 1255his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?" 1256 1257 "Yes," he admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course, but 1258not much good in a fight." 1259% 1260The difference between this school and a cactus plant is that the 1261cactus has the pricks on the outside. 1262% 1263... The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil 1264out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge. 1265 -- Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES #19 1266% 1267 The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint 1268 1269My back aches, my pussy is sore; 1270I simply can't fuck any more; 1271 I'm covered with sweat, 1272 And you haven't come yet, 1273And my God, it's a quarter to four! 1274% 1275The man who said "A bird in the hand's worth two in the bush" has been 1276putting his bird in the *WRONG* bushes. 1277% 1278THE MX IS GOOD FOR THE ECONOMY. One important reason we have a Defense 1279Department is that when we give it money, it spends it, which creates 1280jobs, whereas if we left the money in the hands of civilians, we don't 1281know what they'd do with it. Probably put it in open trenches and set 1282it on fire. The MX will create an especially large number of jobs 1283because of the number of warheads it carries. It carries a total of 10 1284warheads. This creates a great deal of employment, because you have 1285your Warhead Makers, your Warhead Lifters, your Persons Who Tap the 1286Warheads Gently with Rubber Mallets to Wedge Them All Snugly Into the 1287Nose Cone, your Persons Who Just Walk Around Playing Soothing Cassettes 1288by Recording Artists such as Perry Como So We Don't Have Any More 1289Episodes Where a Worker Who is Experiencing Some Strain Sticks a 1290Warhead in the Employee Cafeteria Microwave and Sets It On Roast, etc. 1291We are talking about a lot of jobs. 1292 -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against 1293 Political Fallout" 1294% 1295The other night I was having sex, but the girl hung up on me. 1296% 1297The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France 1298on a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an 1299acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke 1300French and he only spoke English, so each couldn't understand a word 1301the other spoke. He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a 1302picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a 1303ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant 1304with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner. After 1305dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to 1306several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious 1307evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and 1308drew a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and has never 1309be able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business. 1310% 1311The problem with being best man at a wedding is that you never get a 1312chance to prove it. 1313% 1314The real problem with fucking a sheep is that you have to walk around 1315in front every time you want to kiss her. 1316% 1317The reason we need the MX missile system is that the missiles we 1318currently have in the ground are the Minuteman model, which is very 1319old. The Defense Department can't even remember where half of them 1320are. Insects have built nests in them. People have built houses 1321directly over the silos. What this means, of course, is that if we 1322ever needed them to help obliterate all human life on the planet, they 1323could be a real embarrassment. I mean, maybe YOU'RE comfortable with 1324the prospect of missiles that are supposed to represent you barging 1325over the North Pole trailing shreds of polyester carpeting from some 1326recreation room in South Dakota, but your strategic defense planners 1327are not. 1328 -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against 1329 Political Fallout" 1330% 1331The sergeant walked into the shower and caught me giving myself a 1332dishonorable discharge. Without missing a beat, I said, "It's my dick 1333and I can wash it as fast as I want!" 1334% 1335 The Split-Atom Blues 1336 1337Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine, 1338 Gimme jeans by Calvin Klein ... 1339But if you split those atoms fine, 1340 Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine! 1341 1342Gimme zits, take my dough, 1343 Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll ... 1344Call the devil and sell my soul, 1345 But Mama keep dem atoms whole! 1346 -- Milo Bloom, "Bloom County" 1347% 1348The State of California has no business subsidizing intellectual 1349curiosity. 1350 -- Ronald Reagan 1351% 1352The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling 1353their way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from 1354the other, whom he assumes to have perfect vision. Each tends to 1355ascribe to the other side a consistency, foresight and coherence that 1356its own experience belies. Of course, even two blind men can do 1357enormous damage to each other, not to speak of the room. 1358 -- Henry Kissinger 1359% 1360The United States Army: 1361194 years of proud service, 1362unhampered by progress. 1363% 1364The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to 1365everybody and still nobody likes him. 1366 -- Jim Samuels 1367% 1368The voters have spoken, the bastards... 1369% 1370The whole world is about three drinks behind. 1371 -- Humphrey Bogart 1372% 1373The word "spine" is, of course, an anagram of "penis". This is true in 1374almost fifty percent of the languages of the Galaxy, and many people 1375have attempted to explain why. Usually these explanations get bogged 1376down in silly puns about "standing erect". 1377% 1378The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit. 1379% 1380 Them Toad Suckers 1381 1382How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods? 1383Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs! 1384 1385Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers, 1386Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers. 1387 1388Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy? 1389Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy! 1390 1391Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south, 1392Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth! 1393 1394How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it, 1395Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it! 1396 -- Mason Williams 1397% 1398There are also a lot of nice buildings in Haiphong. What their 1399contributions are to the war effort I don't know, but the desire to 1400bomb a virgin building is terrific. 1401 -- Commander Henry Urban Jr. 1402% 1403There are revolutions that are sweeping the world and we in America 1404have been in a position of trying to stop them. With all the wealth of 1405America, with all of the military strength of America, those 1406revolutions are revolutions against a form of political and economic 1407organization in the countries of Asia and the Middle East that are 1408oppressive. They are revolutions against feudalism. [1952] 1409 -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas 1410% 1411There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's. 1412% 1413There is a God, but He drinks. 1414 -- Blore 1415% 1416There were the Scots 1417Who kept the Sabbath 1418And everything else they could lay their hands on. 1419Then there were the Welsh 1420Who prayed on their knees and their neighbors. 1421Thirdly there were the Irish 1422Who never knew what they wanted 1423But were willing to fight for it anyway. 1424Lastly there were the English 1425Who considered themselves a self-made nation 1426Thus relieving the Almighty of a dreadful responsibility. 1427% 1428There's been no top authority saying what marijuana does to you. I 1429really don't know that much about it. I tried it once but it didn't do 1430anything to me. 1431 -- John Wayne 1432% 1433There's more than one way to skin a cat: 1434 Way number 15 -- Krazy Glue and a toothbrush. 1435% 1436There's more than one way to skin a cat: 1437 Way number 27 -- Use an electric sander. 1438% 1439There's more than one way to skin a cat: 1440 Way number 32 -- Wrap it around a lonely frat man's pecker. 1441% 1442There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter 1443and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex. 1444 -- Billy Joel 1445% 1446There's nothing wrong with America that a good erection wouldn't cure. 1447 -- David Mairowitz 1448% 1449This is a test of the emergency cunnilingus system. If this had been an 1450actual emergency, you would have known it! 1451% 1452This is National Smokers-Are-Shits Week. 1453% 1454This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend you. So I'll put 1455"di-dah" for the filthy words: 1456 1457 Di-dah, di-dah, di-dah di-dah, 1458 Di-dah di-dah di-dah, di-dah; 1459 di-dah di-dah di-dah? 1460 Di-dah di-dah di-dah. 1461 Di-dah di-dah, di-dah di-fuck. 1462% 1463This test has been designed to evaluate reactions of management 1464personal to various situations. 1465 1466You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives 1467in the plushest office you've ever seen. The enchilada casserole and 1468egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure. 1469Your sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass 1470bookcase doors to shatter and a secretary to pass out. 1471 1472YOU SHOULD: 1473 1474(a) Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away. 1475(b) Point to the Chief Executive and accuse him of the offense. 1476(c) Challenge anyone in the room to do better. 1477% 1478Thou shalt not omit adultery. 1479% 1480To a Real Woman, every ejaculation is premature. 1481% 1482Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad 1483name. 1484 -- Gore Vidal 1485% 1486'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod And as in raffish thought he sprawled, 1487Did groove and trip out at the pad: The Radcliffe girl, no idle flirt, 1488All whimsy were the slamming chicks, Crept past the hippies getting balled 1489And the Radcliffe undergrad. And doffed her miniskirt. 1490 1491"Beware the Radcliffe girl, my son! One, two! One, two! And through 1492The looks that melt, the claws that and through 1493 catch! The venerable staff went snicker-snack! 1494Beware the Byrn Mawr deb, and shun He left her bred, sans maidenhead, 1495The uppity Wellesleysnatch!" And went galumphing back. 1496 1497He took his venerable staff in hand: "And hast thou laid the Radcliffe girl? 1498Long time the cool young stuff he Come to my arms, my horny boy! 1499 sought -- O spaced-out day! Calooh! Callay!" 1500So rested he among the spree He cackled in his joy. 1501And paused to smoke some pot. 1502 'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod 1503 Did groove and trip out at the pad: 1504 All whimsy were the slamming chicks, 1505 And the Radcliffe undergrad. 1506% 1507 Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn 1508how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, 1509you say `ass' and I'll say `hell'". 1510 All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where 1511their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast. 1512 "Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios." 1513His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the 1514room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?" 1515 "I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass 1516it ain't gonna be Cheerios." 1517% 1518Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it's just the 1519opposite. 1520 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 1521% 1522Uppers are no longer stylish, methedrine is almost as rare as pure acid 1523or DMT. "Consciousness Expansion" went out with LBJ and it is worth 1524noting, historically, that downers came in with Nixon. 1525 -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson 1526% 1527Vegetarians for oral sex -- "The only meat that's fit to eat" 1528% 1529Vidi, vici, veni. 1530(I saw, I conquered, I came.) 1531% 1532Virgin, n.: 1533 An ugly third grader. 1534% 1535War is menstruation envy. 1536% 1537Water? Never touch the stuff! Fish fuck in it. 1538 -- W. C. Fields 1539% 1540We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid. 1541% 1542We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand. 1543 -- James Watt 1544% 1545We have reason to believe that man first 1546walked upright to free his hands for masturbation. 1547 -- Lily Tomlin 1548% 1549"We should declare war on North Vietnam. We could pave the whole 1550country and put parking strips on it, and still be home by Christmas." 1551 -- Ronald Reagan 1552% 1553WE'RE GOING TO THROW THE MX AWAY AFTER WE BUILD IT. The MX is really 1554[Don't tell anybody!] just a "bargaining chip" in the nuclear-arms- 1555reduction talks with the Russians. See, we have a problem with the 1556Russians. They look at our leaders and they see, for example, George 1557Bush, who is really a fine and brave man but who happens to have this 1558unfortunate physical characteristic whereby when he talks he sounds as 1559though he just inhaled a helium party balloon. If he ever becomes 1560President, the Russians will deliberately create nuclear crises just so 1561they can gather around the Hot Line with refreshments and listen to 1562George talk. 1563 -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against 1564 Political Fallout" 1565% 1566Well, see, Joyce, there we were, trapped in the elevator. Now, I had 1567my tennis racquet and the goldfish; she was holding the Crisco. Surely 1568you can imagine how one thing naturally led to another! 1569% 1570Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt 1571great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just 1572felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at 1573him: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" And this poor 1574quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one is mightier 1575than you." A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just 1576bellows out: "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE 1577ANIMALS?" The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages 1578to stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the 1579jungle." The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that 1580was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: 1581"WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?" Well, this 1582elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down; 1583picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of 1584orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree. 1585The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says: 1586"Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so 1587pissed." 1588% 1589What can you use used tampons for? Tea bags for vampires. 1590% 1591What did Mickey Mouse get for Christmas? 1592A Dan Quayle watch. 1593% 1594What is the difficulty with writing a PDP-8 program to emulate Jerry 1595Ford? 1596 1597Figuring out what to do with the other 3K. 1598% 1599 "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you 1600didn't believe in God." 1601 "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the 1602God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's 1603not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be." 1604 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" 1605% 1606When God created man, She was only testing. 1607% 1608When God created two sexes, he may have been overdoing it. 1609 -- Charles Merrill Smith 1610% 1611When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like that 1612can't happen. 1613 -- Richard Nixon as a boy (on the Teapot Dome scandal) 1614% 1615When it all boils down to the essence of truth one must live by a dog's 1616rule of life: if you can't eat it or fuck it, piss on it! 1617% 1618 When the surgeon came to see her on the morning after her 1619operation, the young woman asked her somewhat hesitantly how long it 1620would be before she could resume her sex life. "I really haven't 1621thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon. "You're the first 1622patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!" 1623% 1624White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it 1625so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall. That way, by the 1626time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair. 1627% 1628Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are 1629horses? 1630 -- G. Gordon Liddy 1631% 1632Why marry a virgin? If she wasn't good enough for the rest of them 1633then she isn't good enough for you. 1634% 1635Women Unite! Make *___him* sleep in the wet spot tonight! 1636% 1637Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination 1638 -- Graffito in a women's restroom 1639% 1640Women's Libbers are OK. I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one. 1641% 1642Would you mind terribly much if I asked you to take your silly-assed 1643problem down the hall? 1644% 1645Yes, that was Richard Nixon. He used to be President. When he left 1646the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware. 1647 -- Woody Allen, "Sleeper" 1648% 1649You always introduce the younger person to the older person, using the 1650wording: "Miss Brown, I'd like to introduce you to an older person" 1651(unless her name is not "Miss Brown"). If you do not know a person's 1652age, ask for a driver's license and a major credit card. If you are 1653introduced to a member of a minority group, use the "high-five" style 1654handshake, followed by a remark designed to show you don't mind a bit, 1655such as "I see you are a (name of a minority group)! Good!" 1656 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" 1657% 1658You and I as individuals can, by borrowing, live beyond our means, but 1659only for a limited period of time. Why should we think that collectively, 1660as a nation, we are not bound by that same limitation? 1661 -- Ronald Reagan 1662% 1663You are at a business lunch when you are suddenly overcome with an 1664uncontrollable desire to pick your nose. Since this is definitely a 1665no-no, you: 1666 1667(a) Pretend to wave to someone across the room and with one fluid 1668 motion, bury your forefinger in your nostril right up to the 4th 1669 joint. 1670 1671(b) Get everyone drunk and organize a nose picking contest with a prize 1672 to the one who makes his nose bleed first. 1673 1674(c) Drop your napkin on the floor and when you bend over to pick it up, 1675 blow your nose on your sock. 1676% 1677You better believe that marijuana can cause castration. Just suppose 1678your girlfriend gets the munchies! 1679% 1680You can lead a whore to Vasser, but you can't make her think. 1681 -- Frederick B. Artz 1682% 1683You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't 1684pick your friend's nose. 1685% 1686You can't underestimate the power of fear. 1687 -- Tricia Nixon 1688% 1689You come out of a woman and you spend the rest of your life trying to 1690get back inside. 1691 -- Heathcote Williams 1692% 1693You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January 1694and tell your boss that nobody but whores and football players live 1695there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. You: 1696 1697(a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't remember your 1698 name. 1699 1700(b) Ask what position she played. 1701 1702(c) Ask if she is still working the streets. 1703% 1704You have prepared a proposal for your supervisor. The success of this 1705proposal will mean increasing your salary 20%. In the middle of your 1706proposal your supervisor leans over to look at your report and spits 1707into your coffee. You: 1708 1709(a) Tell him you take your coffee black. 1710 1711(b) Ask him if he has any communicable diseases. 1712 1713(c) Show him who's in command; promptly take a leak in his "In" 1714 basket. 1715% 1716You have to regard everything I say with suspicion -- I may be trying 1717to bullshit you, or I may just be bullshitting you inadvertently. 1718 -- J. Wainwright, Mathematics 140b 1719% 1720 ... But among the children of the Great Society there were 1721those whose skins were black. And lo! Their portion was niggardly, 1722and of the fatted calf they were sucking hind teat ... 1723 Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and 1724they called him King. And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my 1725people go to the front of the bus." 1726 But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all 1727deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass. When ye shall prove 1728yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like 1729unto a snowball in Hell." 1730 -- "The Begatting of a President" 1731