1======================================================================= 2|| || 3|| The FORTUNE-COOKIE program is soon to be a Major Motion Picture! || 4|| Watch for it at a theater near you next summer! || 5|| || 6======================================================================= 7 Francis Ford Coppola presents a George Lucas Production: 8 "Fortune Cookie" 9 Directed by Steven Spielberg. 10 Starring Harrison Ford Bette Midler Marlon Brando 11 Christopher Reeves Marilyn Chambers 12 and Bob Hope as "The Waiter". 13 Costumes Designed by Pierre Cardin. 14 Special Effects by Timothy Leary. 15 Read the Warner paperback! 16 Invoke the Unix program! 17 Soundtrack on XTC Records. 18 In 70mm and Dolby Stereo at selected theaters and terminal 19 centers. 20% 21 PLAYGIRL, Inc. 22 Philadelphia, Pa. 19369 23Dear Sir: 24 Your name has been submitted to us with your photo. I regret to 25inform you that we will be unable to use your body in our centerfold. On 26a scale of one to ten, your body was rated a minus two by a panel of women 27ranging in age from 60 to 75 years. We tried to assemble a panel in the 28age bracket of 25 to 35 years, but we could not get them to stop laughing 29long enough to reach a decision. Should the taste of the American woman 30ever change so drastically that bodies such as yours would be appropriate 31in our magazine, you will be notified by this office. Please, don't call 32us. 33 Sympathetically, 34 Amanda L. Smith 35 36p.s. We also want to commend you for your unusual pose. Were you 37 wounded in the war, or do you ride your bike a lot? 38% 39 _-^--^=-_ 40 _.-^^ -~_ 41 _-- --_ 42 < >) 43 | | 44 \._ _./ 45 ```--. . , ; .--''' 46 | | | 47 .-=|| | |=-. 48 `-=#$%&%$#=-' 49 | ; :| 50 _____.,-#%&$@%#&#~,._____ 51% 52 FROM THE DESK OF 53 Dorothy Gale 54 55 Auntie Em: 56 Hate you. 57 Hate Kansas. 58 Taking the dog. 59 Dorothy 60% 61 FROM THE DESK OF 62 Rapunzel 63 64Dear Prince: 65 66 Use ladder tonight -- 67 you're splitting my ends. 68% 69 SEMINAR ANNOUNCEMENT 70 71Title: Are Frogs Turing Compatible? 72Speaker: Don "The Lion" Knuth 73 74 ABSTRACT 75 Several researchers at the University of Louisiana have been studying 76the computing power of various amphibians, frogs in particular. The problem 77of frog computability has become a critical issue that ranges across all areas 78of computer science. It has been shown that anything computable by an amphi- 79bian community in a fixed-size pond is computable by a frog in the same-size 80pond -- that is to say, frogs are Pond-space complete. We will show that 81there is a log-space, polywog-time reduction from any Turing machine program 82to a frog. We will suggest these represent a proper subset of frog-computable 83functions. 84 This is not just a let's-see-how-far-those-frogs-can-jump seminar. 85This is only for hardcore amphibian-computation people and their colleagues. 86 Refreshments will be served. Music will be played. 87% 88 UNIX Trix 89 90For those of you in the reseller business, here is a helpful tip that will 91save your support staff a few hours of precious time. Before you send your 92next machine out to an untrained client, change the permissions on /etc/passwd 93to 666 and make sure there is a copy somewhere on the disk. Now when they 94forget the root password, you can easily login as an ordinary user and correct 95the damage. Having a bootable tape (for larger machines) is not a bad idea 96either. If you need some help, give us a call. 97 98 -- CommUNIXque 1:1, ASCAR Business Systems 99% 100 ___====-_ _-====___ 101 _--~~~#####// ' ` \\#####~~~--_ 102 -~##########// ( ) \\##########~-_ 103 -############// |\^^/| \\############- 104 _~############// (O||O) \\############~_ 105 ~#############(( \\// ))#############~ 106 -###############\\ (oo) //###############- 107 -#################\\ / `' \ //#################- 108 -###################\\/ () \//###################- 109 _#/|##########/\######( (()) )######/\##########|\#_ 110 |/ |#/\#/\#/\/ \#/\##| \()/ |##/\#/ \/\#/\#/\#| \| 111 ` |/ V V ` V )|| |()| ||( V ' V /\ \| ' 112 ` ` ` ` / | |()| | \ ' '<||> ' 113 ( | |()| | )\ /|/ 114 __\ |__|()|__| /__\______/|/ 115 (vvv(vvvv)(vvvv)vvv)______|/ 116% 117 DELETE A FORTUNE! 118Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?! 119Wouldn't you like to see some of them deleted from the system? 120You can! Just mail to `fortune' with the fortune you hate most, 121and we'll make sure it gets expunged. 122% 123 It's grad exam time... 124COMPUTER SCIENCE 125 Inside your desk you'll find a listing of the DEC/VMS operating 126system in IBM 1710 machine code. Show what changes are necessary to convert 127this code into a UNIX Berkeley 7 operating system. Prove that these fixes are 128bug free and run correctly. You should gain at least 150% efficiency in the 129new system. (You should take no more than 10 minutes on this question.) 130 131MATHEMATICS 132 If X equals PI times R^2, construct a formula showing how long 133it would take a fire ant to drill a hole through a dill pickle, if the 134length-girth ratio of the ant to the pickle were 98.17:1. 135 136GENERAL KNOWLEDGE 137Describe the Universe. Give three examples. 138% 139 It's grad exam time... 140MEDICINE 141 You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a 142bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has 143been inspected. (You have 15 minutes.) 144 145HISTORY 146 Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present 147day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, 148economic, religious and philosophical impact upon Europe, Asia, America, and 149Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific. 150 151BIOLOGY 152 Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture 153if this form of life had been created 500 million years ago or earlier, with 154special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system. 155% 156 Pittsburgh driver's test 15710: Potholes are 158 a) extremely dangerous. 159 b) patriotic. 160 c) the fault of the previous administration. 161 d) all going to be fixed next summer. 162The correct answer is b. 163Potholes destroy unpatriotic, unamerican, imported cars, since the holes 164are larger than the cars. If you drive a big, patriotic, American car 165you have nothing to worry about. 166% 167 Pittsburgh driver's test 1682: A traffic light at an intersection changes from yellow to red, you should 169 a) stop immediately. 170 b) proceed slowly through the intersection. 171 c) blow the horn. 172 d) floor it. 173The correct answer is d. 174If you said c, you were almost right, so give yourself a half point. 175% 176 Pittsburgh driver's test 1773: When stopped at an intersection you should 178 a) watch the traffic light for your lane. 179 b) watch for pedestrians crossing the street. 180 c) blow the horn. 181 d) watch the traffic light for the intersecting street. 182The correct answer is d. 183You need to start as soon as the traffic light for the intersecting 184street turns yellow. 185Answer c is worth a half point. 186% 187 Pittsburgh driver's test 1884: Exhaust gas is 189 a) beneficial. 190 b) not harmful. 191 c) toxic. 192 d) a punk band. 193The correct answer is b. 194The meddling Washington eco-freak communist bureaucrats who say otherwise 195are liars. (Message to those who answered d. Go back to California where 196you came from. Your kind are not welcome here.) 197% 198 Pittsburgh driver's test 1995: Your car's horn is a vital piece of safety equipment. 200 How often should you test it? 201 a) once a year. 202 b) once a month. 203 c) once a day. 204 d) once an hour. 205The correct answer is d. 206You should test your car's horn at least once every hour, 207and more often at night or in residential neighborhoods. 208% 209 Pittsburgh driver's test 2107: The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light 211 but a steady left tail light. 212 a) One of the tail lights is broken. You should blow your 213 horn to call the problem to the driver's attention. 214 b) The driver is signaling a right turn. 215 c) The driver is signaling a left turn. 216 d) The driver is from out of town. 217The correct answer is d. 218Tail lights are used in some foreign countries to signal turns. 219% 220 Pittsburgh driver's test 2218: Pedestrians are 222 a) irrelevant. 223 b) communists. 224 c) a nuisance. 225 d) difficult to clean off the front grille. 226The correct answer is a. Pedestrians are not in cars, so they 227are totally irrelevant to driving, and you should ignore them 228completely. 229% 230 Pittsburgh driver's test 2319: Roads are salted in order to 232 a) kill grass. 233 b) melt snow. 234 c) help the economy. 235 d) prevent potholes. 236The correct answer is c. 237Road salting employs thousands of persons directly, and millions more 238indirectly, for example, salt miners and rustproofers. Most important, 239salting reduces the life spans of cars, thus stimulating the car and 240steel industries. 241% 242 243 ( /\__________/\ ) 244 \(^ @___..___@ ^)/ 245 /\ (\/\/\/\/) /\ 246 / \(/\/\/\/\)/ \ 247 -( """""""""" ) 248 \ _____ / 249 ( /( )\ ) 250 _) (_V) (V_) (_ 251 (V)(V)(V) (V)(V)(V) 252 253% 254 ___====-_ _-====___ 255 _--~~~#####// \\#####~~~--_ 256 _-~##########// ( ) \\##########~-_ 257 -############// :\^^/: \\############- 258 _~############// (@::@) \\############~_ 259 ~#############(( \\// ))#############~ 260 -###############\\ (^^) //###############- 261 -#################\\ / "" \ //#################- 262 -###################\\/ \//###################- 263 _#/:##########/\######( /\ )######/\##########:\#_ 264 :/ :#/\#/\#/\/ \#/\##\ : : /##/\#/ \/\#/\#/\#: \: 265 " :/ V V " V \#\: : : :/#/ V " V V \: " 266 " " " " \ : : : : / " " " " 267% 268 Has your family tried 'em? 269 270 POWDERMILK BISCUITS 271 272 Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious! 273 274 They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons 275 the strength to get up and do what needs to be done. 276 277 POWDERMILK BISCUITS 278 279 Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of 280 the biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark 281 stains that indicate freshness. 282% 283 Answers to Last Fortunes' Questions: 2841) None. (Moses didn't have an ark). 2852) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle. 2863) You don't know. Neither does your boss. 2874) Who cares? 2885) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk, Montana, 289 submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5. Unfortunately, I lost it. 2906) I know the answer to this one, but I'm not telling! Suffer! Ha-ha-ha!! 2917) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 10,953 of my 292 book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and bathroom 293 supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of Papyrus Books). 294% 295 Hard Copies and Chmod 296 297And everyone thinks computers are impersonal 298cold diskdrives hardware monitors 299user-hostile software 300 301of course they're only bits and bytes 302and characters and strings 303and files 304 305just some old textfiles from my old boyfriend 306telling me he loves me and 307he'll take care of me 308 309simply a discarded printout of a friend's directory 310deep intimate secrets and 311how he doesn't trust me 312 313couldn't hurt me more if they were scented in lavender or mould 314on personal stationery 315 -- terri@csd4.milw.wisc.edu 316% 317 `O' LEVEL COUNTER CULTURE 318Timewarp allowed: 3 hours. Do not scrawl situationalist graffiti in the 319margins or stub your rollups in the inkwells. Orange may be worn. Credit 320will be given to candidates who self-actualise. 321 322 1: Compare and contrast Pink Floyd with Black Sabbath and say why 323neither has street credibility. 324 2: "Even Buddha would have been hard pushed to reach Nirvana squatting 325on a juggernaut route." Consider the dialectic of inner truth and inner 326city. 327 3: Discuss degree of hassle involved in paranoia about being sucked 328into a black hole. 329 4: "The Egomaniac's Liberation Front were a bunch of revisionist 330ripoff merchants." Comment on this insult. 331 5: Account for the lack of references to brown rice in Dylan's lyrics. 332 6: "Castenada was a bit of a bozo." How far is this a fair summing 333up of western dualism? 334 7: Hermann Hesse was a Pisces. Discuss. 335% 336 OUTCONERR 337Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes 338 Did logzerneg the ifthen block 339All kludgy were the function flows 340 And subroutines adhoc. 341 342Beware the runtime-bug my friend 343 squrooneg, the false goto 344Beware the infiniteloop 345 And shun the inprectoo. 346% 347 Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence 3481. Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a 349 nuclear bomb, use the stairs. 3502. When you're flying through the air, remember to roll 351 when you hit the ground. 3523. If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials. 3534. Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead 354 to psychological problems. 3555. Food will be scarce, you will have to scavenge. Learn to recognize 356 foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes, 357 shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc. 3586. Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze, internal organs 359 will be scarce in the post-nuclear age. 3607. Try to be neat, fall only in designated piles. 3618. Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas, people could be 362 staggering illegally. 3639. Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to one's, but more 364 sanitary due to limited circulation. 36510. Accumulate mannequins now, spare parts will be in short 366 supply on D-Day. 367% 368 The Guy on the Right Doesn't Stand a Chance 369The guy on the right has the Osborne 1, a fully functional computer system 370in a portable package the size of a briefcase. The guy on the left has an 371Uzi submachine gun concealed in his attache case. Also in the case are four 372fully loaded, 32-round clips of 125-grain 9mm ammunition. The owner of the 373Uzi is going to get more tactical firepower delivered -- and delivered on 374target -- in less time, and with less effort. All for $795. It's inevitable. 375If you're going up against some guy with an Osborne 1 -- or any personal 376computer -- he's the one who's in trouble. One round from an Uzi can zip 377through ten inches of solid pine wood, so you can imagine what it will do 378to structural foam acrylic and sheet aluminum. In fact, detachable magazines 379for the Uzi are available in 25-, 32-, and 40-round capacities, so you can 380take out an entire office full of Apple II or IBM Personal Computers tied 381into Ethernet or other local-area networks. What about the new 16-bit 382computers, like the Lisa and Fortune? Even with the Winchester backup, 383they're no match for the Uzi. One quick burst and they'll find out what 384Unix means. Make your commanding officer proud. Get an Uzi -- and come home 385a winner in the fight for office automatic weapons. 386 -- "InfoWorld", June, 1984 387% 388 The Split-Atom Blues 389Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine, 390 Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline... 391But if you split those atoms fine, 392 Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine! 393Gimme zits, take my dough, 394 Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll... 395Call the devil and sell my soul, 396 But Mama keep dem atoms whole! 397 -- Milo Bloom 398% 399 THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM 400 401If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your contribution 402of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue without your support. 403Less than 14% of all fortune users are contributors. That means that 86% of 404you are getting a free ride. We can't go on like this much longer. Federal 405cutbacks mean less money for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase 406to make up the difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between 407midnight and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to 408`fortune'. Just type in your favorite pithy fortune. Do it now before you 409forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week. Don't miss 410out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute 30 fortunes or 411more, you will receive a free subscription to "The Fortune Hunter", our monthly 412program guide. If you contribute 50 or more, you will receive a free "Fortune 413Hunter" coffee mug! 414% 415 What I Did During My Fall Semester 416On the first day of my fall semester, I got up. 417Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic. 418Then I hung out in front of the Dover. 419 420On the second day of my fall semester, I got up. 421Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic. 422Then I hung out in front of the Dover. 423 424On the third day of my fall semester, I got up. 425Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic. 426I found a thesis topic: 427 How to keep people from hanging out in front of the Dover. 428 -- Sister Mary Elephant, 429 "Student Statement for Black Friday" 430% 431 1/3 432 /\(3) 433 | 2 1/3 434 | z dz cos(3 * PI / 9) = ln (e ) 435 | 436 \/ 1 437 438The integral of z squared, dz 439From 1 to the cube root of 3 440 Times the cosine 441 Of 3 PI over nine 442Is the log of the cube root of e 443% 444 THE DAILY PLANET 445 446 SUPERMAN SAVES DESSERT! 447 Plans to "Eat it later" 448% 449 *** A NEW KIND OF PROGRAMMING *** 450 451Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical 452terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into 453the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers' 454School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming. 455They say a good programmer can write 20 lines of effective program per day. 456With our unique training course, we'll show you how to write 20 lines of code 457and lots more besides. Our training course covers every programming language 458in existence, and some that aren't. You'll learn why the on/off switch for a 459computer is so important, what the words *fatal error* mean, and who and what 460you should blame when you make a mistake. 461 462 Yes, I want the brochure describing this incredible offer. 463 I enclose $1000 is small unmarked bills to cover the cost of 464 postage and handling. (No live poultry, please.) 465 466*** Our Slogan: Top down programming for the masses. *** 467% 468 *** DO YOU HAVE A RESTLESS URGE TO PROGRAM? *** 469Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical 470terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into 471the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers' 472School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming. 473 474 *** IS PROGRAMMING FOR YOU? *** 475Programming is not for everyone. But, if you have the desire to learn, we can 476help you get started. All you need is the Famous Programmers' Course and 477enough money to keep those lessons coming month after month. 478 479 *** TAKE OUR FREE APTITUDE TEST *** 480To help determine if you are qualified to be a programmer, take a moment to 481try this simple test: 482 1: Write down the numbers from zero to nine and the first six letters 483 of the alphabet (Hint: 0123456789ABCDEF). 484 2: Whose picture is on the back of a twenty-dollar bill? 485 3: What is the state capital of Idaho? 486If you managed to read all three questions without wondering why we asked 487them, you may have a future as a computer programmer. 488% 489 *** STUDENT SUCCESSES *** 490 491Many of our students have gone on to achieve great success in all fields of 492programming. One former student developed the concept of the personalized 493form letter. Does the phrase, "Dear Mr.(insert name), You may already be a 494winner!," sound familiar? Another student writes "After only five lessons I 495sold a "My Most Unforgettable Program" article to Corrosive Computing magazine. 496Another of our graduates writes, "I recently completed a database-management 497program for my department manager. My program touched him so deeply that he 498was speechless. He told me later that he had never seen such a program in 499his entire career. Thank you, Famous Programmers' school; only you could 500have made this possible." Send for our introductory brochure which explains 501in vague detail the operation of the Famous Programmers' School, and you'll 502be eligible to win a possible chance to enter a drawing, the winner of which 503can vie for a set of free steak knives. If you don't do it now, you'll hate 504yourself in the morning. 505% 506 ... This striving for excellence extends into people's 507personal lives as well. When '80s people buy something, they buy the 508best one, as determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability. 509Eighties people buy imported dental floss. They buy gourmet baking 510soda. If an '80s couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a 511reservation three weeks in advance, and they are informed that their 512table is available, they stalk out immediately, because they know it is 513not an excellent restaurant. If it were, it would have an enormous 514crowd of excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their 515beepers going off like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant 516wouldn't have a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of 517Liza Minnelli. 518 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 519% 520 ... with liberty and justice for all who can afford it. 521% 522 ___ 523 12 + 144 + 20 + 3\/ 4 2 524 ---------------------- + 5(11) = 9 + 0 525 7 526 527A dozen, a gross and a score, 528Plus three times the square root of four, 529 Divided by seven, 530 Plus five times eleven, 531Equals nine squared plus zero, no more! 532% 533 7,140 pounds on the Sun 534 97 pounds on Mercury or Mars 535 255 pounds on Earth 536 232 pounds on Venus or Uranus 537 43 pounds on the Moon 538 648 pounds on Jupiter 539 275 pounds on Saturn 540 303 pounds on Neptune 541 13 pounds on Pluto 542 543 -- How much Elvis Presley would weigh at various places 544 in the solar system. 545% 546 A boy scout troop went on a hike. Crossing over a stream, one of 547the boys dropped his wallet into the water. Suddenly a carp jumped, grabbed 548the wallet and tossed it to another carp. Then that carp passed it to 549another carp, and all over the river carp appeared and tossed the wallet back 550and forth. 551 "Well, boys," said the Scout leader, "you've just seen a rare case 552of carp-to-carp walleting." 553% 554 A carpet installer decides to take a cigarette break after completing 555the installation in the first of several rooms he has to do. Finding them 556missing from his pocket he begins searching, only to notice a small lump in 557his recently completed carpet-installation. Not wanting to pull up all that 558work for a lousy pack of cigarettes he simply walks over and pounds the lump 559flat. Foregoing the break, he continues on to the other rooms to be carpeted. 560 At the end of the day, while loading his tools into his truck, two 561events occur almost simultaneously: he spies his pack of cigarettes on the 562dashboard of the truck, and the lady of the house summons him imperiously: 563"Have you seen my parakeet?" 564% 565 A circus foreman was making the rounds inspecting the big top when 566a scrawny little man entered the tent and walked up to him. "Are you the 567foreman around here?" he asked timidly. "I'd like to join your circus; I 568have what I think is a pretty good act." 569 The foreman nodded assent, whereupon the little man hurried over to 570the main pole and rapidly climbed up to the very tip-top of the big top. 571Drawing a deep breath, he hurled himself off into the air and began flapping 572his arms furiously. Amazingly, rather than plummeting to his death the little 573man began to fly all around the poles, lines, trapezes and other obstacles, 574performing astounding feats of aerobatics which ended in a long power dive 575from the top of the tent, pulling up into a gentle feet-first landing beside 576the foreman, who had been nonchalantly watching the whole time. 577 "Well," puffed the little man. "What do you think?" 578 "That's all you do?" answered the foreman scornfully. "Bird 579imitations?" 580% 581 A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was eating 582his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality test", said 583the outsider, "because I want you to be happy." 584 Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into the 585toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too". 586% 587 A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about 588whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they 589got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The 590medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's 591rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat." 592 The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden 593itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that the Garden 594and the world were created. So God must have been an architect." 595 The computer scientist, who'd listened carefully to all of this, then 596commented, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?" 597% 598 A farmer decides that his three sows should be bred, and contacts a 599buddy down the road, who owns several boars. They agree on a stud fee, and 600the farmer puts the sows in his pickup and takes them down the road to the 601boars. He leaves them all day, and when he picks them up that night, asks 602the man how he can tell if it "took" or not. The breeder replies that if, 603the next morning, the sows were grazing on grass, they were pregnant, but if 604they were rolling in the mud as usual, they probably weren't. 605 Comes the morn, the sows are rolling in the mud as usual, so the 606farmer puts them in the truck and brings them back for a second full day of 607frolic. This continues for a week, since each morning the sows are rolling 608in the mud. 609 Around the sixth day, the farmer wakes up and tells his wife, "I 610don't have the heart to look again. This is getting ridiculous. You check 611today." With that, the wife peeks out the bedroom window and starts to laugh. 612 "What is it?" asks the farmer excitedly. "Are they grazing at last?" 613 "Nope." replies his wife. "Two of them are jumping up and down in 614the back of your truck, and the other one is honking the horn!" 615% 616 A father gave his teen-age daughter an untrained pedigreed pup for 617her birthday. An hour later, when wandered through the house, he found her 618looking at a puddle in the center of the kitchen. "My pup," she murmured 619sadly, "runneth over." 620 Catching his children with their hands in the new, still wet, patio, 621the father spanked them. His wife asked, "Don't you love your children?" 622"In the abstract, yes, but not in the concrete." 623% 624 A German, a Pole and a Czech left camp for a hike through the woods. 625After being reported missing a day or two later, rangers found two bears, 626one a male, one a female, looking suspiciously overstuffed. They killed 627the female, autopsied her, and sure enough, found the German and the Pole. 628 "What do you think?" said the first ranger. 629 "The Czech is in the male," replied the second. 630% 631 A group of soldiers being prepared for a practice landing on a tropical 632island were warned of the one danger the island held, a poisonous snake that 633could be readily identified by its alternating orange and black bands. They 634were instructed, should they find one of these snakes, to grab the tail end of 635the snake with one hand and slide the other hand up the body of the snake to 636the snake's head. Then, forcefully, bend the thumb above the snake's head 637downward to break the snake's spine. All went well for the landing, the 638charge up the beach, and the move into the jungle. At one foxhole site, two 639men were starting to dig and wondering what had happened to their partner. 640Suddenly he staggered out of the underbrush, uniform in shreds, covered with 641blood. He collapsed to the ground. His buddies were so shocked they could 642only blurt out, "What happened?" 643 "I ran from the beachhead to the edge of the jungle, and, as I hit the 644ground, I saw an orange and black striped snake right in front of me. I 645grabbed its tail end with my left hand. I placed my right hand above my left 646hand. I held firmly with my left hand and slid my right hand up the body of 647the snake. When I reached the head of the snake I flicked my right thumb down 648to break the snake's spine... did you ever goose a tiger?" 649% 650 A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved 651dog in his brother's care. The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his 652brother and inquires after his pet. 653 "Your dog's dead," replies his brother bluntly. 654 The guy is devastated. "You know how much that dog meant to me," 655he moaned into the phone. "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way 656of breaking the news? Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got 657outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a 658corner...' or something...? Why are you always so thoughtless?" 659 "Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't think." 660 "Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us. How are you anyway? 661How's Mom?" 662 His brother is silent a moment. "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got 663outside one day..." 664% 665 A guy walks into a pub and asks: "Does anyone here own a Doberman? 666I feel really bad about this, but my Chihuahua just killed it." 667 A man leaps to his feet and replies, "Yes, I do, but how can that 668be? I raised that dog from a pup to be a vicious killer." 669 "Yes, well, that's all well and good," replied the first, "but my 670dog's stuck in its throat." 671% 672 A horse breeder has his young colts bottle-fed after they're three 673days old. He heard that a foal and his mummy are soon parted. 674 A crow perched himself on a telephone wire. He was going to make a 675long-distance caw. 676 A musical reviewer admitted he always praised the first show of a 677new theatrical season. "Who am I to stone the first cast?" 678 A hard-luck actor who appeared in one colossal disaster after another 679finally got a break, a broken leg to be exact. Someone pointed out that it's 680the first time the poor fellow's been in the same cast for more than a week. 681% 682 A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked to add 2 and 2. 683 The housewife replied, "Four!". 684 The accountant said, "It's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures 685through my spread sheet one more time." 686 The lawyer pulled the drapes, dimmed the lights and asked in a 687hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?" 688% 689 A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had 690made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he 691would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the 692lawyer. 693 "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this 694state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, 695I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer'', if that would be okay." 696 "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer. 697 "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it 698and exclaim, "That's Strange!" 699% 700 A little dog goes into a saloon in the Wild West, and beckons to 701the bartender. "Hey, bartender, gimmie a whiskey." 702 The bartender ignores him. 703 "Hey bartender, gimmie a whiskey." 704 Still ignored. 705 "HEY BARMAN!! GIMMIE A WHISKEY!!" 706 The bartender takes out his six-shooter and shoots the dog in the 707leg, and the dog runs out the saloon, howling in pain. 708 Three years later, the wee dog appears again, wearing boots, 709jeans, chaps, a Stetson, gun belt, and guns. He ambles slowly into the 710saloon, goes up to the bar, leans over it, and says to the bartender, 711"I'm here t'git the man that shot muh paw." 712% 713 A man enters a pet shop, seeking to purchase a parrot. He points 714to a fine colorful bird and asks how much it costs. 715 When he is told it costs 70,000 zlotys, he whistles in amazement 716and asks why it is so much. "Well, the bird is fluent in Italian and 717French and can recite the periodic table." He points to another bird 718and is told that it costs 90,000 zlotys because it speaks French and 719German, can knit and can curse in Latin. 720 Finally the customer asks about a drab gray bird. "Ah," he is 721told, "that one is 150,000." 722 "Why, what can it do?" he asks. 723 "Well," says the shopkeeper, "to tell you the truth, he doesn't 724do anything, but the other birds call him Mr. Secretary." 725 -- being told in Poland, 1987 726% 727 A man from AI walked across the mountains to SAIL to see the Master, 728Knuth. When he arrived, the Master was nowhere to be found. "Where is the 729wise one named Knuth?" he asked a passing student. 730 "Ah," said the student, "you have not heard. He has gone on a 731pilgrimage across the mountains to the temple of AI to seek out new 732disciples." 733 Hearing this, the man was Enlightened. 734% 735 A man met a beautiful young woman in a bar. They got along well, 736shared dinner, and had a marvelous evening. When he left her, he told her 737that he had really enjoyed their time together, and hoped to see her again, 738soon. Smiling yes, she gave him her phone number. 739 The next day, he called her up and asked her to go dancing. She 740agreed. As they talked, he jokingly asked her what her favorite flower was. 741Realizing his intentions, she told him that he shouldn't bring her flowers 742-- if he wanted to bring her a gift, well, he should bring her a Swiss Army 743knife! 744 Surprised, and not a little intrigued, he spent a large part of the 745afternoon finding a particularly unusual one. Arriving at her apartment 746he immediately presented her with the knife. She ooohed and ahhhed over it 747for a minute, and then carefully placed it in a drawer, that the man couldn't 748help but see was full of Swiss Army knives. 749 Surprised, he asked her why she had collected so many. 750 "Well, I'm young and attractive now", blushed the woman, "but that 751won't always be true. And boy scouts will do anything for a Swiss Army knife!" 752% 753 A man sank into the psychiatrist's couch and said, "I have a 754terrible problem, Doctor. I have a son at Harvard and another son at 755Princeton; I've just gifted each of them with a new Ferrari; I've got 756homes in Beverly Hills, Palm Beach, and a co-op in New York; and I've 757got a thriving ranch in Venezuela. My wife is a gorgeous young actress 758who considers my two mistresses to be her best friends." 759 The psychiatrist looked at the patient, confused. "Did I miss 760something? It sounds to me like you have no problems at all." 761 "But, Doctor, I only make $175 a week." 762% 763 A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, 764"Do you serve lawyers here?". 765 "Sure do," replied the bartender. 766 "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for 767my 'gator." 768% 769 A man who keeps stealing mopeds is an obvious cycle-path. 770 A man pleaded innocent of any wrong doing when caught by the police 771during a raid at the home of a mobster, excusing himself by claiming that he 772was making a bolt for the door. 773 A farm in the country side had several turkeys, it was known as the 774house of seven gobbles. 775 A man was reading The Canterbury Tales one Saturday morning, when his 776wife asked "What have you got there?" Replied he, "Just my cup and Chaucer." 777 A women was in love with fourteen soldiers, it was clearly platoonic. 778 Max told his friend that he'd just as soon not go hiking in the hills. 779Said he, "I'm an anti-climb Max." 780% 781 A manager asked a programmer how long it would take him to finish the 782program on which he was working. "I will be finished tomorrow," the programmer 783promptly replied. 784 "I think you are being unrealistic," said the manager. "Truthfully, 785how long will it take?" 786 The programmer thought for a moment. "I have some features that I wish 787to add. This will take at least two weeks," he finally said. 788 "Even that is too much to expect," insisted the manager, "I will be 789satisfied if you simply tell me when the program is complete." 790 The programmer agreed to this. 791 Several years slated, the manager retired. On the way to his 792retirement lunch, he discovered the programmer asleep at his terminal. 793He had been programming all night. 794 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 795% 796 A manager was about to be fired, but a programmer who worked for him 797invented a new program that became popular and sold well. As a result, the 798manager retained his job. 799 The manager tried to give the programmer a bonus, but the programmer 800refused it, saying, "I wrote the program because I though it was an interesting 801concept, and thus I expect no reward." 802 The manager, upon hearing this, remarked, "This programmer, though he 803holds a position of small esteem, understands well the proper duty of an 804employee. Lets promote him to the exalted position of management consultant!" 805 But when told this, the programmer once more refused, saying, "I exist 806so that I can program. If I were promoted, I would do nothing but waste 807everyone's time. Can I go now? I have a program that I'm working on." 808 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 809% 810 A manager went to the master programmer and showed him the requirements 811document for a new application. The manager asked the master: "How long will 812it take to design this system if I assign five programmers to it?" 813 "It will take one year," said the master promptly. 814 "But we need this system immediately or even sooner! How long will it 815take it I assign ten programmers to it?" 816 The master programmer frowned. "In that case, it will take two years." 817 "And what if I assign a hundred programmers to it?" 818 The master programmer shrugged. "Then the design will never be 819completed," he said. 820 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 821% 822 A manager went to his programmers and told them: "As regards to your 823work hours: you are going to have to come in at nine in the morning and leave 824at five in the afternoon." At this, all of them became angry and several 825resigned on the spot. 826 So the manager said: "All right, in that case you may set your own 827working hours, as long as you finish your projects on schedule." The 828programmers, now satisfied, began to come in a noon and work to the wee 829hours of the morning. 830 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 831% 832 A master programmer passed a novice programmer one day. The master 833noted the novice's preoccupation with a hand-held computer game. "Excuse me", 834he said, "may I examine it?" 835 The novice bolted to attention and handed the device to the master. 836"I see that the device claims to have three levels of play: Easy, Medium, 837and Hard", said the master. "Yet every such device has another level of play, 838where the device seeks not to conquer the human, nor to be conquered by the 839human." 840 "Pray, great master," implored the novice, "how does one find this 841mysterious setting?" 842 The master dropped the device to the ground and crushed it under foot. 843And suddenly the novice was enlightened. 844 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 845% 846 A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his novices. 847"The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how insignificant," 848said the master. 849 "Is the Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice. 850 "It is," came the reply. 851 "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice. 852 "It is even in a video game," said the master. 853 "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?" 854 The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The lesson 855is over for today," he said. 856 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 857% 858 A MODERN FABLE 859 860Aesop's fables and other traditional children's stories involve allegory 861far too subtle for the youth of today. Children need an updated message 862with contemporary circumstance and plot line, and short enough to suit 863today's minute attention span. 864 865 The Troubled Aardvark 866 867Once upon a time, there was an aardvark whose only pleasure in life was 868driving from his suburban bungalow to his job at a large brokerage house 869in his brand new 4x4. He hated his manipulative boss, his conniving and 870unethical co-workers, his greedy wife, and his snivelling, spoiled 871children. One day, the aardvark reflected on the meaning of his life and 872his career and on the unchecked, catastrophic decline of his nation, its 873pathetic excuse for leadership, and the complete ineffectiveness of any 874personal effort he could make to change the status quo. Overcome by a 875wave of utter depression and self-doubt, he decided to take the only 876course of action that would bring him greater comfort and happiness: he 877drove to the mall and bought imported consumer electronics goods. 878 879MORAL OF THE STORY: Invest in foreign consumer electronics manufacturers. 880 -- Tom Annau 881% 882 A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at 883the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the 884pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite 885nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if..." 886 "If what?" asked the composer. 887 "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?" 888% 889 A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which 890removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to 891doing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous 892amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware 893limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the 894larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient 895power-down sequence. 896 An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the 897building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has 898bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer 899cool. 900% 901 A novice asked the Master: "Here is a programmer that never designs, 902documents, or tests his programs. Yet all who know him consider him one of 903the best programmers in the world. Why is this?" 904 The Master replies: "That programmer has mastered the Tao. He has 905gone beyond the need for design; he does not become angry when the system 906crashes, but accepts the universe without concern. He has gone beyond the 907need for documentation; he no longer cares if anyone else sees his code. He 908has gone beyond the need for testing; each of his programs are perfect within 909themselves, serene and elegant, their purpose self-evident. Truly, he has 910entered the mystery of the Tao." 911 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 912% 913 A novice asked the master: "I have a program that sometimes runs and 914sometimes aborts. I have followed the rules of programming, yet I am totally 915baffled. What is the reason for this?" 916 The master replied: "You are confused because you do not understand 917the Tao. Only a fool expects rational behavior from his fellow humans. Why 918do you expect it from a machine that humans have constructed? Computers 919simulate determinism; only the Tao is perfect. 920 The rules of programming are transitory; only the Tao is eternal. 921Therefore you must contemplate the Tao before you receive enlightenment." 922 "But how will I know when I have received enlightenment?" asked the 923novice. 924 "Your program will then run correctly," replied the master. 925 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 926% 927 A novice asked the master: "I perceive that one computer company is 928much larger than all others. It towers above its competition like a giant 929among dwarfs. Any one of its divisions could comprise an entire business. 930Why is this so?" 931 The master replied, "Why do you ask such foolish questions? That 932company is large because it is so large. If it only made hardware, nobody 933would buy it. If it only maintained systems, people would treat it like a 934servant. But because it combines all of these things, people think it one 935of the gods! By not seeking to strive, it conquers without effort." 936 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 937% 938 A novice asked the master: "In the east there is a great tree-structure 939that men call 'Corporate Headquarters'. It is bloated out of shape with 940vice-presidents and accountants. It issues a multitude of memos, each saying 941'Go, Hence!' or 'Go, Hither!' and nobody knows what is meant. Every year new 942names are put onto the branches, but all to no avail. How can such an 943unnatural entity exist?" 944 The master replies: "You perceive this immense structure and are 945disturbed that it has no rational purpose. Can you not take amusement from 946its endless gyrations? Do you not enjoy the untroubled ease of programming 947beneath its sheltering branches? Why are you bothered by its uselessness?" 948 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 949% 950 A novice programmer was once assigned to code a simple financial 951package. 952 The novice worked furiously for many days, but when his master 953reviewed his program, he discovered that it contained a screen editor, a set 954of generalized graphics routines, and artificial intelligence interface, 955but not the slightest mention of anything financial. 956 When the master asked about this, the novice became indignant. 957"Don't be so impatient," he said, "I'll put the financial stuff in eventually." 958 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 959% 960 A novice was trying to fix a broken lisp machine by turning the 961power off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly, 962"You cannot fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no understanding 963of what is going wrong." Knight turned the machine off and on. The 964machine worked. 965% 966 A Pole, a Soviet, an American, an Englishman and a Canadian were lost 967in a forest in the dead of winter. As they were sitting around a fire, they 968noticed a pack of wolves eyeing them hungrily. 969 The Englishman volunteered to sacrifice himself for the rest of the 970party. He walked out into the night. 971 The American, not wanting to be outdone by an Englishman, offered to 972be the next victim. The wolves eagerly accepted his offer, and devoured him, 973too. 974 The Soviet, believing himself to be better than any American, turned 975to the Pole and says, "Well, comrade, I shall volunteer to give my life to 976save a fellow socialist." He leaves the shelter and goes out to be killed by 977the wolf pack. 978 At this point, the Pole opened his jacket and pulls out a machine gun. 979He takes aim in the general direction of the wolf pack and in a few seconds 980has killed them all. 981 The Canadian asked the Pole, "Why didn't you do that before the others 982went out to be killed? 983 The Pole pulls a bottle of vodka from the other side of his jacket. 984He smiles and replies, "Five men on one bottle -- too many." 985% 986 A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon 987two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. "That's what 988I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man". 989 As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, 990he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing." 991% 992 A program should be light and agile, its subroutines connected like a 993strings of pearls. The spirit and intent of the program should be retained 994throughout. There should be neither too little nor too much, neither needless 995loops nor useless variables, neither lack of structure nor overwhelming 996rigidity. 997 A program should follow the 'Law of Least Astonishment'. What is this 998law? It is simply that the program should always respond to the user in the 999way that astonishes him least. 1000 A program, no matter how complex, should act as a single unit. The 1001program should be directed by the logic within rather than by outward 1002appearances. 1003 If the program fails in these requirements, it will be in a state of 1004disorder and confusion. The only way to correct this is to rewrite the 1005program. 1006 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 1007% 1008 A programmer from a very large computer company went to a software 1009conference and then returned to report to his manager, saying: "What sort 1010of programmers work for other companies? They behaved badly and were 1011unconcerned with appearances. Their hair was long and unkempt and their 1012clothes were wrinkled and old. They crashed our hospitality suites and they 1013made rude noises during my presentation." 1014 The manager said: "I should have never sent you to the conference. 1015Those programmers live beyond the physical world. They consider life absurd, 1016an accidental coincidence. They come and go without knowing limitations. 1017Without a care, they live only for their programs. Why should they bother 1018with social conventions?" 1019 "They are alive within the Tao." 1020 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 1021% 1022 A ranger was walking through the forest and encountered a hunter 1023carrying a shotgun and a dead loon. "What in the world do you think you're 1024doing? Don't you know that the loon is on the endangered species list?" 1025 Instead of answering, the hunter showed the ranger his game bag, 1026which contained twelve more loons. 1027 "Why would you shoot loons?", the ranger asked. 1028 "Well, my family eats them and I sell the plumage." 1029 "What's so special about a loon? What does it taste like?" 1030 "Oh, somewhere between an American Bald Eagle and a Trumpeter Swan." 1031% 1032 A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor 1033recorded the following on the patient's chart: "Patient failed to fulfill 1034his wellness potential." 1035 1036 Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the *American Journal 1037of Family Practice* fleas were called "hematophagous arthropod vectors." 1038 1039 A reader reports that the Army calls them "vertically deployed anti- 1040personnel devices." You probably call them bombs. 1041 1042 At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian 1043mechanics were placed on "non-duty, non-pay status." That is, they were fired. 1044 1045 After taking the trip of a lifetime, our reader sent his twelve rolls 1046of film to Kodak for developing (or "processing," as Kodak likes to call it) 1047only to receive the following notice: "We must report that during the handling 1048of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the films were involved in an 1049unusual laboratory experience." The use of the passive is a particularly nice 1050touch, don't you think? Nobody did anything to the films; they just had a bad 1051experience. Of course our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his 1052pictures all over again, using the twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously 1053sent him. 1054 -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE) 1055% 1056 A reverend wanted to telephone another reverend. He told the operator, 1057"This is a parson to parson call." 1058 A farmer with extremely prolific hens posted the following sign. "Free 1059Chickens. Our Coop Runneth Over." 1060 Two brothers, Mort and Bill, like to sail. While Bill has a great 1061deal of experience, he certainly isn't the rigger Mort is. 1062 Inheritance taxes are getting so out of line, that the deceased family 1063often doesn't have a legacy to stand on. 1064 The judge fined the jaywalker fifty dollars and told him if he was 1065caught again, he would be thrown in jail. Fine today, cooler tomorrow. 1066 A rock store eventually closed down; they were taking too much for 1067granite. 1068% 1069 A Scotsman was strolling across High Street one day wearing his kilt. 1070As he neared the far curb, he noticed two young blondes in a red convertible 1071eyeing him and giggling. One of them called out, "Hey, Scotty! What's worn 1072under the kilt?" 1073 He strolled over to the side of the car and asked, "Ach, lass, are you 1074SURE you want to know?" Somewhat nervously, the blonde replied yes, she did 1075really want to know. 1076 The Scotsman leaned closer and confided, "Why, lass, nothing's worn 1077under the kilt, everything's in perfect workin' order!" 1078% 1079 A sheet of paper crossed my desk the other day and as I read it, 1080realization of a basic truth came over me. So simple! So obvious we couldn't 1081see it. John Knivlen, Chairman of Polamar Repeater Club, an amateur radio 1082group, had discovered how IC circuits work. He says that smoke is the thing 1083that makes ICs work because every time you let the smoke out of an IC circuit, 1084it stops working. He claims to have verified this with thorough testing. 1085 I was flabbergasted! Of course! Smoke makes all things electrical 1086work. Remember the last time smoke escaped from your Lucas voltage regulator 1087Didn't it quit working? I sat and smiled like an idiot as more of the truth 1088dawned. It's the wiring harness that carries the smoke from one device to 1089another in your Mini, MG or Jag. And when the harness springs a leak, it lets 1090the smoke out of everything at once, and then nothing works. The starter motor 1091requires large quantities of smoke to operate properly, and that's why the wire 1092going to it is so large. 1093 Feeling very smug, I continued to expand my hypothesis. Why are Lucas 1094electronics more likely to leak than say Bosch? Hmmm... Aha!!! Lucas is 1095British, and all things British leak! British convertible tops leak water, 1096British engines leak oil, British displacer units leak hydrostatic fluid, and 1097I might add British tires leak air, and the British defense unit leaks 1098secrets... so naturally British electronics leak smoke. 1099 -- Jack Banton, PCC Automotive Electrical School 1100% 1101 A shy teenage boy finally worked up the nerve to give a gift to 1102Madonna, a young puppy. It hitched its waggin' to a star. 1103 A girl spent a couple hours on the phone talking to her two best 1104friends, Maureen Jones, and Maureen Brown. When asked by her father why she 1105had been on the phone so long, she responded "I heard a funny story today 1106and I've been telling it to the Maureens." 1107 Three actors, Tom, Fred, and Cec, wanted to do the jousting scene 1108from Don Quixote for a local TV show. "I'll play the title role," proposed 1109Tom. "Fred can portray Sancho Panza, and Cecil B. De Mille." 1110% 1111 A woman was married to a golfer. One day she asked, "If I were 1112to die, would you remarry?" 1113 After some thought, the man replied, "Yes, I've been very happy in 1114this marriage and I would want to be this happy again." 1115 The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?" 1116 "Yes," he replied. "That's a good car and it runs well." 1117 "Well, would you live in this house?" 1118 "Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully. 1119I've always loved it here." 1120 "Well, would you give her my golf clubs?" 1121 "No." 1122 "Why not?" 1123 "She's left handed." 1124% 1125 A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened 1126to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road. After seeing the 1127sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes. 1128"Gosh!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job. 1129Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?" 1130 "Yes, upon rare occasions," answered the handler. 1131 "Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're bitten by 1132a snake?" 1133 "I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I 1134am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then 1135suck the poison from the wound." 1136 "What, uh... what would happen if you were to accidentally *sit* on 1137a rattler?" persisted the woman. 1138 "Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn 1139who my real friends are." 1140% 1141 A young married couple had their first child. Their original pride 1142and joy slowly turned to concern however, for after a couple of years the 1143child had never uttered any form of speech. They hired the best speech 1144therapists, doctors, psychiatrists, all to no avail. The child simply refused 1145to speak. One morning when the child was five, while the husband was reading 1146the paper, and the wife was feeding the dog, the little kid looks up from 1147his bowl and said, "My cereal's cold." 1148 The couple is stunned. The man, in tears, confronts his son. "Son, 1149after all these years, why have you waited so long to say something?". 1150 Shrugs the kid, "Everything's been okay 'til now". 1151% 1152 ACHTUNG!!! 1153Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy 1154schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit 1155spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das 1156rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und 1157vatch das blinkenlights!!! 1158% 1159 After sifting through the overwritten remaining blocks of Luke's home 1160directory, Luke and PDP-1 sped away from /u/lars, across the surface of the 1161Winchester riding Luke's flying read/write head. PDP-1 had Luke stop at the 1162edge of the cylinder overlooking /usr/spool/uucp. 1163 "Unix-to-Unix Copy Program;" said PDP-1. "You will never find a more 1164wretched hive of bugs and flamers. We must be cautious." 1165 -- DECWARS 1166% 1167 After the Children of Israel had wandered for thirty-nine years in 1168 the wilderness, Ferdinand Feghoot arrived to make sure that they 1169would finally find and enter the Promised Land. With him, he brought his 1170favorite robot, faithful old Yewtoo Artoo, to carry his gear and do assorted 1171camp chores. 1172 The Israelites soon got over their initial fear of the robot and, 1173 as the months passed, became very fond of him. Patriarchs took to 1174discussing abstruse theological problems with him, and each evening the 1175children all gathered to hear the many stories with which he was programmed. 1176Therefore it came as a great shock to them when, just as their journey was 1177ending, he abruptly wore out. Even Feghoot couldn't console them. 1178 "It may be true, Ferdinand Feghoot," said Moses, "that our friend 1179Yewtoo Artoo was soulless, but we cannot believe it. He must be properly 1180interred. We cannot embalm him as do the Egyptians. Nor have we wood for 1181a coffin. But I do have a most splendid skin from one of Pharoah's own 1182cattle. We shall bury him in it." 1183 Feghoot agreed. "Yes, let this be his last rusting place." "Rusting?" 1184 Moses cried. "Not in this dreadful dry desert!" 1185 "Ah!" sighed Ferdinand Feghoot, shedding a tear, "I fear you do not 1186realize the full significance of Pharoah's oxhide!" 1187 -- Grendel Briarton "Through Time & Space With Ferdinand 1188 Feghoot!" 1189% 1190 After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patient 1191earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several 1192minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help. 1193 "No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a 1194name for my baby." 1195 "But the hospital supplies a special booklet that lists hundreds 1196of first names and their meanings," said the orderly. 1197 "That won't help," said the woman, "my baby already has a first 1198name." 1199% 1200 All that you touch, And all you create, 1201 All that you see, And all you destroy, 1202 All that you taste, All that you do, 1203 All you feel, And all you say, 1204 And all that you love, All that you eat, 1205 And all that you hate, And everyone you meet, 1206 All you distrust, All that you slight, 1207 All you save, And everyone you fight, 1208 And all that you give, And all that is now, 1209 And all that you deal, And all that is gone, 1210 All that you buy, And all that's to come, 1211 Beg, borrow or steal, And everything under the sun is 1212 in tune, 1213 But the sun is eclipsed 1214 By the moon. 1215 1216There is no dark side of the moon... really... matter of fact it's all dark. 1217 -- Pink Floyd, "Dark Side of the Moon" 1218% 1219 America, Russia and Japan are sending up a two year shuttle mission 1220with one astronaut from each country. Since it's going to be two long, lonely 1221years up there, each may bring any form of entertainment weighing 150 pounds 1222or less. The American approaches the NASA board and asks to take his 125 lb. 1223wife. They approve. 1224 The Japanese astronaut says, "I've always wanted to learn Latin. I 1225want 100 lbs. of textbooks." The NASA board approves. The Russian astronaut 1226thinks for a second and says, "Two years... all right, I want 150 pounds of 1227the best Cuban cigars ever made." Again, NASA okays it. 1228 Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered outside 1229to welcome back the astronauts. Well, it's obvious what the American's been 1230up to, he and his wife are each holding an infant. The crowd cheers. The 1231Japanese astronaut steps out and makes a 10 minute speech in absolutely 1232perfect Latin. The crowd doesn't understand a word of it, but they're 1233impressed and they cheer again. The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches 1234the podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row and 1235screams: "Anybody got a match?" 1236% 1237 An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He 1238 knows he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully 1239and with great restraint. 1240 As he designs the first work, frill after frill and 1241embellishment after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away 1242to be used "next time." Sooner or later the first system is finished, 1243and the architect, with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of 1244that class of systems, is ready to build a second system. 1245 This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs. 1246When he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will 1247confirm each other as to the general characteristics of such systems, 1248and their differences will identify those parts of his experience that 1249are particular and not generalizable. 1250 The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using 1251all the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first 1252one. The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile." 1253 -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month" 1254% 1255 An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He knows 1256he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with great 1257restraint. 1258 As he designs the first work, frill after frill and embellishment 1259after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away to be used "next 1260time". Sooner or later the first system is finished, and the architect, 1261with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of that class of systems, 1262is ready to build a second system. 1263 This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs. When 1264he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will confirm each 1265other as to the general characteristics of such systems, and their differences 1266will identify those parts of his experience that are particular and not 1267generalizable. 1268 The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using all 1269the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first one. 1270The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile". 1271% 1272 An eighty-year-old woman is rocking away the afternoon on her 1273porch when she sees an old, tarnished lamp sitting near the steps. She 1274picks it up, rubs it gently, and lo and behold a genie appears! The genie 1275tells the woman the he will grant her any three wishes her heart desires. 1276 After a bit of thought, she says, "I wish I were young and 1277beautiful!" And POOF! In a cloud of smoke she becomes a young, beautiful, 1278voluptuous woman. 1279 After a little more thought, she says, "I would like to be rich 1280for the rest of my life." And POOF! When the smoke clears, there are 1281stacks and stacks of money lying on the porch. 1282 The genie then says, "Now, madam, what is your final wish?" 1283 "Well," says the woman, "I would like for you to transform my 1284faithful old cat, whom I have loved dearly for fifteen years, into a young 1285handsome prince!" 1286 And with another billow of smoke the cat is changed into a tall, 1287handsome, young man, with dark hair, dressed in a dashing uniform. 1288 As they gaze at each other in adoration, the prince leans over to 1289the woman and whispers into her ear, "Now, aren't you sorry you had me 1290fixed?" 1291% 1292 An elderly man stands in line for hours at a Warsaw meat store (meat 1293is severely rationed). When the butcher comes out at the end of the day and 1294announces that there is no meat left, the man flies into a rage. 1295 "What is this?" he shouts. "I fought against the Nazis, I worked hard 1296all my life, I've been a loyal citizen, and now you tell me I can't even buy a 1297piece of meat? This rotten system stinks!" 1298 Suddenly a thuggish man in a black leather coat sidles up and murmurs 1299"Take it easy, comrade. Remember what would have happened if you had made an 1300outburst like that only a few years ago" -- and he points an imaginary gun to 1301this head and pulls the trigger. 1302 The old man goes home, and his wife says, "So they're out of meat 1303again?" 1304 "It's worse than that," he replies. "They're out of bullets." 1305 -- making the rounds in Warsaw, 1987 1306% 1307 An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are captured by cannibals. 1308The leader of the tribe comes up to them and says, "Even though you are about 1309to killed, your deaths will not be in vain. Every part of your body will be 1310used. Your flesh will be eaten, for my people are hungry. Your hair will be 1311woven into clothing, for my people are naked. Your bones will be ground up 1312and made into medicine, for my people are sick. Your skin will be stretched 1313over canoe frames, for my people need transportation. We are a fair people, 1314and we offer you a chance to kill yourself with our ceremonial knife." 1315 The Englishman accepts the knife and yells, "God Save the Queen", 1316while plunging the knife into his heart. 1317 The Frenchman removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells, 1318"Vive la France", while plunging the knife into his heart. 1319 The American removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells, 1320while stabbing himself all over his body, "Here's your lousy canoe!" 1321% 1322 An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a 1323great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures. 1324I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment. 1325I have given up everything I was asked to give up and I have suffered, but 1326I have not been enlightened. What should I do?" 1327 Otis replied, "Give up suffering." 1328 -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters" 1329% 1330 And St. Attila raised the hand grenade up on high saying "O Lord 1331bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thine enemies 1332to tiny bits, in thy mercy" and the Lord did grin and the people did feast 1333upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orang-utangs and 1334breakfast cereals and fruit bats and... 1335 (skip a bit brother...) 1336 Er ... oh, yes ... and the Lord spake, saying "First shalt thou 1337take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. 1338Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the count 1339shall be three. Four shalt thou not count neither count thou two, excepting 1340that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number 1341three, being the third number, be reached then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand 1342Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naught in my sight, shall 1343snuff it. 1344 -- Monty Python, "The Book of Armaments" 1345% 1346 "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?" 1347asked the father of his little son. 1348 "Diet." 1349% 1350 "Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best 1351to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the 1352posh hotel. 1353 "No. No, thank you," replied the gentleman. 1354 "Anything for your wife, sir?" the bellhop asked. 1355 "Why, yes, young man," said the gentleman. "Would you bring me 1356a postcard?" 1357% 1358 "Anything else you wish to draw to my attention, Mr. Holmes ?" 1359 "The curious incident of the stable dog in the nighttime." 1360 "But the dog did nothing in the nighttime." 1361 "That was the curious incident." 1362 -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "Silver Blaze" 1363% 1364 Approaching the gates of the monastery, Hakuin found Ken the Zen 1365preaching to a group of disciples. 1366 "Words..." Ken orated, "they are but an illusory veil obfuscating 1367the absolute reality of --" 1368 "Ken!" Hakuin interrupted. "Your fly is down!" 1369 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon Ken, and he 1370vaporized. 1371 On the way to town, Hakuin was greeted by an itinerant monk imbued 1372with the spirit of the morning. 1373 "Ah," the monk sighed, a beatific smile wrinkling across his cheeks, 1374"Thou art That..." 1375 "Ah," Hakuin replied, pointing excitedly, "And Thou art Fat!" 1376 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the monk, 1377and he vaporized. 1378 Next, the Governor sought the advice of Hakuin, crying: "As our 1379enemies bear down upon us, how shall I, with such heartless and callow 1380soldiers as I am heir to, hope to withstand the impending onslaught?" 1381 "US?" snapped Hakuin. 1382 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the 1383Governor, and he vaporized. 1384 Then, a redneck went up to Hakuin and vaporized the old Master with 1385his shotgun. "Ha! Beat ya' to the punchline, ya' scrawny li'l geek!" 1386% 1387 As a general rule of thumb, never trust anybody who's been in therapy 1388for more than 15 percent of their life span. The words "I am sorry" and "I 1389am wrong" will have totally disappeared from their vocabulary. They will stab 1390you, shoot you, break things in your apartment, say horrible things to your 1391friends and family, and then justify this abhorrent behavior by saying: 1392 "Sure, I put your dog in the microwave. But I feel *better* 1393for doing it." 1394 -- Bruce Feirstein, "Nice Guys Sleep Alone" 1395% 1396 At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from 1397Los Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head 1398under the exhaust of a bus until he revived. 1399% 1400 Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and 1401 took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of 1402his followers. 1403 One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and 1404there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing. 1405 "Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his 1406commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your 1407Purpose in Life, anyway?" 1408 Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The 1409Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.) 1410 Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened. 1411 Primarily because nobody understood Chinese. 1412 -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters" 1413% 1414 better !pout !cry 1415 better watchout 1416 lpr why 1417 santa claus < north pole > town 1418 1419 cat /etc/passwd > list 1420 ncheck list 1421 ncheck list 1422 cat list | grep naughty > nogiftlist 1423 cat list | grep nice > giftlist 1424 santa claus < north pole > town 1425 1426 who | grep sleeping 1427 who | grep awake 1428 who | grep bad || good 1429 for (goodness sake) { 1430 be good 1431 } 1432% 1433 Brian Kernighan has an automobile which he helped design. 1434Unlike most automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gauge, nor 1435any of the numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. 1436Rather, if the driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the 1437center of the dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will 1438usually know what's wrong." 1439% 1440 Bubba, Jim Bob, and Leroy were fishing out on the lake last November, 1441and, when Bubba tipped his head back to empty the Jim Beam, he fell out of the 1442boat into the lake. Jim Bob and Leroy pulled him back in, but as Bubba didn't 1443look too good, they started up the Evinrude and headed back to the pier. 1444 By the time they got there, Bubba was turning kind of blue, and his 1445teeth were chattering like all get out. Jim Bob said, "Leroy, go run up to 1446the pickup and get Doc Pritchard on the CB, and ask him what we should do". 1447 Doc Pritchard, after hearing a description of the case, said "Now, 1448Leroy, listen closely. Bubba is in great danger. He has hy-po-thermia. Now 1449what you need to do is get all them wet clothes off of Bubba, and take your 1450clothes off, and pile your clothes and jackets on top of him. Then you all 1451get under that pile, and hug up to Bubba real close so that you warm him up. 1452You understand me Leroy? You gotta warm Bubba up, or he'll die." 1453 Leroy and the Doc 10-4'ed each other, and Leroy came back to the 1454pier. "Wh-Wh-What'd th-th-the d-d-doc s-s-say L-L-Leroy?", Bubba chattered. 1455 "Bubba, Doc says you're gonna die." 1456% 1457 By the middle 1880's, practically all the roads except those in 1458the South, were of the present standard gauge. The southern roads were 1459still five feet between rails. 1460 It was decided to change the gauge of all southern roads to standard, 1461in one day. This remarkable piece of work was carried out on a Sunday in May 1462of 1886. For weeks beforehand, shops had been busy pressing wheels in on the 1463axles to the new and narrower gauge, to have a supply of rolling stock which 1464could run on the new track as soon as it was ready. Finally, on the day set, 1465great numbers of gangs of track layers went to work at dawn. Everywhere one 1466rail was loosened, moved in three and one-half inches, and spiked down in its 1467new position. By dark, trains from anywhere in the United States could operate 1468over the tracks in the South, and a free interchange of freight cars everywhere 1469was possible. 1470 -- Robert Henry, "Trains", 1957 1471% 1472 Carol's head ached as she trailed behind the unsmiling Calibrees 1473along the block of booths. She chirruped at Kennicott, "Let's be wild! 1474Let's ride on the merry-go-round and grab a gold ring!" 1475 Kennicott considered it, and mumbled to Calibree, "Think you folks 1476would like to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?" 1477 Calibree considered it, and mumbled to his wife, "Think you'd like 1478to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?" 1479 Mrs. Calibree smiled in a washed-out manner, and sighed, "Oh no, 1480I don't believe I care to much, but you folks go ahead and try it." 1481 Calibree stated to Kennicott, "No, I don't believe we care to a 1482whole lot, but you folks go ahead and try it." 1483 Kennicott summarized the whole case against wildness: "Let's try 1484it some other time, Carrie." 1485 She gave it up. 1486 -- Sinclair Lewis, "Main Street" 1487% 1488 Chapter VIII 1489Due to the convergence of forces beyond his comprehension, 1490Salvatore Quanucci was suddenly squirted out of the universe 1491like a watermelon seed, and never heard from again. 1492% 1493 Concerning the war in Vietnam, Senator George Aiken of Vermount noted 1494in January, 1966, "I'm not very keen for doves or hawks. I think we need more 1495owls." 1496 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits" 1497% 1498 COONDOG MEMORY 1499 (heard in Rutledge, Missouri, about eighteen years ago) 1500 1501Now, this dog is for sale, and she can not only follow a trail twice as 1502old as the average dog can, but she's got a pretty good memory to boot. 1503For instance, last week this old boy who lives down the road from me, and 1504is forever stinkmouthing my hounds, brought some city fellow around to 1505try out ol' Sis here. So I turned her out south of the house and she made 1506two or three big swings back and forth across the edge of the woods, set 1507back her head, bayed a couple of times, cut straight through the woods, 1508come to a little clearing, jumped about three foot straight up in the air, 1509run to the other side, and commenced to letting out a racket like she had 1510something treed. We went over there with our flashlights and shone them 1511up in the tree but couldn't catch no shine offa coon's eyes, and my 1512neighbor sorta indicated that ol' Sis might be a little crazy, `cause she 1513stood right to the tree and kept singing up into it. So I pulled off my 1514coat and climbed up into the branches, and sure enough, there was a coon 1515skeleton wedged in between a couple of branches about twenty foot up. 1516Now as I was saying, she can follow a pretty old trail, but this fellow 1517was still calling her crazy or touched `cause she had hopped up in the 1518air while she was crossing the clearing, until I reminded him that the 1519Hawkins' had a fence across there about five years back. Now, this dog 1520is for sale. 1521 -- News that stayed News: Ten Years of Coevolution Quarterly 1522% 1523 Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. does not warrant that the 1524functions contained in the program will meet your requirements or that 1525the operation of the program will be uninterrupted or error-free. 1526 However, Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. warrants the 1527diskette(s) on which the program is furnished to be of black color and 1528square shape under normal use for a period of ninety (90) days from the 1529date of purchase. 1530 NOTE: IN NO EVENT WILL COSMOTRONIC SOFTWARE UNLIMITED OR ITS 1531DISTRIBUTORS AND THEIR DEALERS BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ANY DAMAGES, INCLUDING 1532ANY LOST PROFIT, LOST SAVINGS, LOST PATIENCE OR OTHER INCIDENTAL OR 1533CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES. 1534 -- Horstmann Software Design, the "ChiWriter" user manual 1535% 1536 Dallas Cowboys Official Schedule 1537 1538 Sept 14 Pasadena Junior High 1539 Sept 21 Boy Scout Troop 049 1540 Sept 28 Blind Academy 1541 Sept 30 World War I Veterans 1542 Oct 5 Brownie Scout Troop 041 1543 Oct 12 Sugarcreek High Cheerleaders 1544 Oct 26 St. Thomas Boys Choir 1545 Nov 2 Texas City Vet Clinic 1546 Nov 9 Korean War Amputees 1547 Nov 15 VA Hospital Polio Patients 1548% 1549 "Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll 1550be able to get over you -- so would you mind answering the phone?" 1551% 1552 "Darling," she whispered, "will you still love me after we are 1553married?" 1554 He considered this for a moment and then replied, "I think so. 1555I've always been especially fond of married women." 1556% 1557 Deck us all with Boston Charlie, 1558 Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo! 1559 Nora's freezin' on the trolley, 1560 Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo! 1561 1562 Don't we know archaic barrel, 1563 Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou. 1564 Trolley Molly don't love Harold, 1565 Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo! 1566 -- Pogo, "Deck Us All With Boston Charlie" 1567% 1568 Does anyone know how to get chocolate syrup and honey out of a 1569white electric blanket? I'm afraid to wash it in the machine. 1570 1571Thanks, Kathy. (front desk, x17) 1572 1573p.s. Also, anyone ever used Noxema on friction burns? 1574 Or is Vaseline better? 1575% 1576 "Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly, 1577sincerely, extremely dangerously. 1578 They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs. 1579They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They used 1580intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used finks. 1581They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used fallaron. They 1582used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. They used the 1583bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. They used treachery. 1584They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. They used applied physics. 1585They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him. 1586 -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man" 1587% 1588 Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes of Harvard Medical School inhaled ether 1589at a time when it was popularly supposed to produce such mystical or 1590"mind-expanding" experiences, much as LSD is supposed to produce such 1591experiences today. Here is his account of what happened: 1592 "I once inhaled a pretty full dose of ether, with the determination 1593to put on record, at the earliest moment of regaining consciousness, the 1594thought I should find uppermost in my mind. The mighty music of the triumphal 1595march into nothingness reverberated through my brain, and filled me with a 1596sense of infinite possibilities, which made me an archangel for a moment. 1597The veil of eternity was lifted. The one great truth which underlies all 1598human experience and is the key to all the mysteries that philosophy has 1599sought in vain to solve, flashed upon me in a sudden revelation. Henceforth 1600all was clear: a few words had lifted my intelligence to the level of the 1601knowledge of the cherubim. As my natural condition returned, I remembered 1602my resolution; and, staggering to my desk, I wrote, in ill-shaped, straggling 1603characters, the all-embracing truth still glimmering in my consciousness. 1604The words were these (children may smile; the wise will ponder): 1605`A strong smell of turpentine prevails throughout.'" 1606 -- The Consumers Union Report: Licit & Illicit Drugs 1607% 1608 During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife. She had 1609him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon. 1610 In another fight, the wife decked him with a heavy glass pitcher. 1611She's a women who conks to stupor. 1612 Upon reading a story about a man who throttled his mother-in-law, a 1613man commented, "Sounds to me like a practical choker." 1614 It's not the initial skirt length, it's the upcreep. 1615 It's the theory of Jess Birnbaum, of Time magazine, that women with 1616bad legs should stick to long skirts because they cover a multitude of shins. 1617% 1618 During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were 1619blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-face 1620country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost 1621hit my wife." 1622 "Did I?" cried one hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a shot 1623at mine, over there." 1624% 1625 Eugene d'Albert, a noted German composer, was married six times. 1626At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife shortly 1627after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who said politely, 1628"Congratulations, Herr d'Albert; you have rarely introduced me to so 1629charming a wife." 1630% 1631 Everything is farther away than it used to be. It is even twice as 1632far to the corner and they have added a hill. I have given up running for 1633the bus; it leaves earlier than it used to. 1634 It seems to me they are making the stairs steeper than in the old 1635days. And have you noticed the smaller print they use in the newspapers? 1636 There is no sense in asking anyone to read aloud anymore, as everybody 1637speaks in such a low voice I can hardly hear them. 1638 The material in dresses is so skimpy now, especially around the hips 1639and waist, that it is almost impossible to reach one's shoelaces. And the 1640sizes don't run the way they used to. The 12's and 14's are so much smaller. 1641 Even people are changing. They are so much younger than they used to 1642be when I was their age. On the other hand people my age are so much older 1643than I am. 1644 I ran into an old classmate the other day and she has aged so much 1645that she didn't recognize me. 1646 I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair 1647this morning and in so doing I glanced at my own reflection. Really now, 1648they don't even make good mirrors like they used to. 1649 Sandy Frazier, "I Have Noticed" 1650% 1651 Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping 1652mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as 1653"Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you 1654how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence", 1655"Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night 1656So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc. 1657 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 1658% 1659 Exxon's 'Universe of Energy' tends to the peculiar rather than the 1660humorous ... After [an incomprehensible film montage about wind and sun and 1661rain and strip mines and] two or three minutes of mechanical confusion, the 1662seats locomote through a short tunnel filled with clock-work dinosaurs. 1663The dinosaurs are depicted without accuracy and too close to your face. 1664 "One of the few real novelties at Epcot is the use of smell to 1665aggravate illusions. Of course, no one knows what dinosaurs smelled like, 1666but Exxon has decided they smelled bad. 1667 "At the other end of Dino Ditch ... there's a final, very addled 1668message about facing challengehood tomorrow-wise. I dozed off during this, 1669but the import seems to be that dinosaurs don't have anything to do with 1670energy policy and neither do you." 1671 -- P.J. O'Rourke, "Holidays in Hell" 1672% 1673 "Found it," the Mouse replied rather crossly: 1674"of course you know what 'it' means." 1675 1676 "I know what 'it' means well enough, when I find a thing," 1677said the Duck: "it's generally a frog or a worm. 1678 1679The question is, what did the archbishop find?" 1680% 1681 Four Oxford dons were taking their evening walk together and as 1682usual, were engaged in casual but learned conversation. On this particular 1683evening, their conversation was about the names given to groups of animals, 1684such as a "pride of lions" or a "gaggle of geese." 1685 One of the professors noticed a group of prostitutes down the block, 1686and posed the question, "What name would be given to that group?" The four 1687fell into silence for a moment, as they pondered the possibilities... 1688 At last, one spoke: "How about 'a Jam of Tarts'?" The others nodded 1689in acknowledgement as they continued to consider the problem. A second 1690professor spoke: "I'd suggest 'an Essay of Trollops.'" Again, the others 1691nodded. A third spoke: "I propose 'a Flourish of Strumpets.'" 1692 They continued their walk in silence, until the first professor 1693remarked to the remaining professor, who was the most senior and learned of 1694the four, "You haven't suggested a name for our ladies. What are your 1695thoughts?" 1696 Replied the fourth professor, "'An Anthology of Prose.'" 1697% 1698 Fred noticed his roommate had a black eye upon returning from a dance. 1699"What happened?" "I was struck by the beauty of the place." 1700 A pushy romeo asked a gorgeous elevator operator, "Don't all these 1701stops and starts get you pretty worn out?" "It isn't the stops and starts 1702that get on my nerves, it's the jerks." 1703 An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same 1704time. One was named Edith; the other named Kate. They met, discovered they 1705had the same fiancee, and told him. "Get out of our lives you rascal. We'll 1706teach you that you can't have your Kate and Edith, too." 1707 A domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl. He came back from 1708his honeymoon a chastened man. He'd become aware of the will of the wisp. 1709 A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a 1710little pebble on the beach. The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to 1711save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder." 1712% 1713 Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their 1714engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who 1715was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy 1716and sarcastic?" 1717 "Of course not," said a sympathetic friend. 1718 "Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer." 1719% 1720 "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at Morse Science High has an 1721extracurricular activity except you." 1722 "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?" 1723 "Only to ten, Mudhead." 1724% 1725 "Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning 1726to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this 1727beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a 1728dark prison cell? Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little 1729apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours 1730in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?" 1731% 1732 God decided to take the devil to court and settle their 1733differences once and for all. 1734 When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just 1735where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?" 1736% 1737 Graduating seniors, parents and friends... 1738 Let me begin by reassuring you that my remarks today will stand up 1739to the most stringent requirements of the new appropriateness. 1740 The intra-college sensitivity advisory committee has vetted the 1741text of even trace amounts of subconscious racism, sexism and classism. 1742 Moreover, a faculty panel of deconstructionists have reconfigured 1743the rhetorical components within a post-structuralist framework, so as to 1744expunge any offensive elements of western rationalism and linear logic. 1745 Finally, all references flowing from a white, male, eurocentric 1746perspective have been eliminated, as have any other ruminations deemed 1747denigrating to the political consensus of the moment. 1748 1749 Thank you and good luck. 1750 -- Doonesbury, the University Chancellor's graduation speech. 1751% 1752 Hack placidly amidst the noisy printers and remember what prizes there 1753may be in Science. As fast as possible get a good terminal on a good system. 1754Enter your data clearly but always encrypt your results. And listen to others, 1755even the dull and ignorant, for they may be your customers. Avoid loud and 1756aggressive persons, for they are sales reps. 1757 If you compare your outputs with those of others, you may be surprised, 1758for always there will be greater and lesser numbers than you have crunched. 1759Keep others interested in your career, and try not to fumble; it can be a real 1760hassle and could change your fortunes in time. 1761 Exercise system control in your experiments, for the world is full of 1762bugs. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive 1763for linearity and everywhere papers are full of approximations. Strive for 1764proportionality. Especially, do not faint when it occurs. Neither be cyclical 1765about results; for in the face of all data analysis it is sure to be noticed. 1766 Take with a grain of salt the anomalous data points. Gracefully pass 1767them on to the youth at the next desk. Nurture some mutual funds to shield 1768you in times of sudden layoffs. But do not distress yourself with imaginings 1769-- the real bugs are enough to screw you badly. Murphy's Law runs the 1770Universe -- and whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt <Curl>B*n dS = 0. 1771 Therefore, grab for a piece of the pie, with whatever proposals you 1772can conceive of to try. With all the crashed disks, skewed data, and broken 1773line printers, you can still have a beautiful secretary. Be linear. Strive 1774to stay employed. 1775 -- Technolorata, "Analog" 1776% 1777 "Haig, in congressional hearings before his confirmatory, paradoxed 1778his audiencers by abnormaling his responds so that verbs were nouned, nouns 1779verbed, and adjectives adverbised. He techniqued a new way to vocabulary his 1780thoughts so as to informationally uncertain anybody listening about what he 1781had actually implicationed. 1782 "If that is how General Haig wants to nervous breakdown the Russian 1783leadership, he may be shrewding his way to the biggest diplomatic invent 1784since Clausewitz. Unless, that is, he schizophrenes his allies first." 1785 -- The Guardian 1786% 1787 Hardware met Software on the road to Changtse. Software said: "You 1788are the Yin and I am the Yang. If we travel together we will become famous 1789and earn vast sums of money." And so the pair set forth together, thinking 1790to conquer the world. 1791 Presently, they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rags, and 1792hobbled along propped on a thorny stick. Firmware said to them: "The Tao 1793lies beyond Yin and Yang. It is silent and still as a pool of water. It does 1794not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence. It does not seeks fortune, 1795for it is complete within itself. It exists beyond space and time." 1796 Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes. 1797 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 1798% 1799 Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home 1800from the club to an irate, ranting wife. 1801 "I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly. "You 1802promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost 1803nine. It just can't take that long to play 18 holes of golf." 1804 "Honey, wait," said Harry. "Let me explain. I know what I promised 1805you, but I have a very good reason for being late. Fred and I tee'd off 1806right on time and everything was find for the first three holes. Then, on 1807the fourth tee Fred had a stroke. I ran back to the clubhouse but couldn't 1808find a doctor. And, by the time I got back to Fred, he was dead. So, for 1809the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred... 1810% 1811 Harry constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism. 1812No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have 1813been worse." 1814 To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a 1815situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no 1816hope in it. Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said, 1817"Harry! Did you hear what happened to George? He came home last night, 1818found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned 1819the gun on himself!" 1820 "Terrible," said Harry. "But it could have been worse." 1821 "How in hell," demanded his dumbfounded friend, "could it possibly 1822have been worse?" 1823 "Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be 1824dead right now." 1825% 1826 He had been bitten by a dog, but didn't give it much thought 1827until he noticed that the wound was taking a remarkably long time to 1828heal. Finally, he consulted a doctor who took one look at it and 1829ordered the dog brought in. Just as he had suspected, the dog had 1830rabies. Since it was too late to give the patient serum, the doctor 1831felt he had to prepare him for the worst. The poor man sat down at the 1832doctor's desk and began to write. His physician tried to comfort him. 1833"Perhaps it won't be so bad," he said. "You needn't make out your will 1834right now." 1835 "I'm not making out any will," relied the man. "I'm just writing 1836out a list of people I'm going to bite!" 1837% 1838 ...He who laughs does not believe in what he laughs at, but neither 1839does he hate it. Therefore, laughing at evil means not preparing oneself to 1840combat it, and laughing at good means denying the power through which good is 1841self-propagating. 1842 -- Umberto Eco, "The Name of the Rose" 1843% 1844 "Heard you were moving your piano, so I came over to help." 1845 "Thanks. Got it upstairs already." 1846 "Do it alone?" 1847 "Nope. Hitched the cat to it." 1848 "How would that help?" 1849 "Used a whip." 1850% 1851 "Hello, Mrs. Premise!" 1852 "Oh, hello, Mrs. Conclusion! Busy day?" 1853 "Busy? I just spent four hours burying the cat." 1854 "Four hours to bury a cat!?" 1855 "Yes, he wouldn't keep still: wrigglin' about, 'owlin'..." 1856 "Oh, it's not dead then." 1857 "Oh no, no, but it's not at all a well cat, and as we're 1858goin' away for a fortnight I thought I'd better bury it just to be 1859on the safe side." 1860 "Quite right. You don't want to come back from Sorrento 1861to a dead cat, do you?" 1862 -- Monty Python 1863% 1864 Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the month. 1865According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people are experiencing 1866severe marketing anxiety in China. 1867 The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either (depending 1868on the inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax tadpole". 1869 Bite the wax tadpole. 1870 There is a sort of rough justice, is there not? 1871 The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's hard 1872to get a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to bite a wax 1873tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, but broad 1874satiric vistas do not open up. 1875 -- John Carrol, The San Francisco Chronicle 1876% 1877 Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled 1878with the issue of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John 1879Paul Stevens came up with the famous quotation about how he couldn't 1880define pornography, but he knew it when he saw it. So for a while, the 1881court's policy was to have all the suspected pornography trucked to 1882Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it over. "Nope, this isn't 1883it," he'd say. "Bring some more." This went on until one morning when 1884his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an 1885enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a 1886ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except 1887that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about 1888it because the court was going to take a nap. 1889 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" 1890% 1891 "How did you spend the weekend?" asked the pretty brunette secretary 1892of her blonde companion. 1893 "Fishing through the ice," she replied. 1894 "Fishing through the ice? Whatever for?" 1895 "Olives." 1896% 1897 "How many people work here?" 1898 "Oh, about half." 1899% 1900 How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are 19013.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand, who 1902could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a nanocentury. 1903 -- Tom Duff, Bell Labs 1904% 1905 "How would I know if I believe in love at first sight?" the sexy 1906social climber said to her roommate. "I mean, I've never seen a Porsche 1907full of money before." 1908% 1909 "How'd you get that flat?" 1910 "Ran over a bottle." 1911 "Didn't you see it?" 1912 "Damn kid had it under his coat." 1913% 1914 "I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into 1915the phone. "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information." 1916 "Who was that?" his young wife asked. 1917 "Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear." 1918% 1919 "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frito Bugger in a 1920quavering voice. 1921 "No," said GoodGulf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of 1922course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which 1923I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in 1924Elven-lore: 1925 1926 "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves, 1927 Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves. 1928 Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop, 1929 This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop. 1930 The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring. 1931 The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing. 1932 If broken or busted, it cannot be remade. 1933 If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)." 1934 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 1935% 1936 I did some heavy research so as to be prepared for "Mommy, why is 1937the sky blue?" 1938 HE asked me about black holes in space. 1939 (There's a hole *where*?) 1940 1941 I boned up to be ready for, "Why is the grass green?" 1942 HE wanted to discuss nature's food chains. 1943 (Well, let's see, there's ShopRite, Pathmark...) 1944 1945 I talked about Choo-Choo trains. 1946 HE talked internal combustion engines. 1947 (The INTERNAL COMBUSTION ENGINE said, "I think I can, I think I can.") 1948 1949 I was delighted with the video game craze, thinking we could compete 1950as equals. 1951 HE described the complexities of the microchips required to create 1952the graphics. 1953 1954 Then puberty struck. Ah, adolescence. 1955 HE said, "Mom, I just don't understand women." 1956 (Gotcha!) 1957 -- Betty LiBrizzi, "The Care and Feeding of a Gifted Child" 1958% 1959 I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because we 1960use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently leads to 1961violence. What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say, in traffic, 1962is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had time to think 1963of witty and learned insults or look them up in the library, we could call 1964each other up: 1965 You: Hello? Bob? 1966 Bob: Yes? 1967 You: This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space you 1968 took last Thursday? Outside of Sears? 1969 Bob: Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed? 1970 You: Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is: 1971 "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..." No, wait. 1972 I mean: "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill 1973 and ..." No, wait. (Sound of reference book thudding onto 1974 the floor.) S-word. Excuse me. Look, Bob, I'm going to 1975 have to get back to you. 1976 Bob: Fine. 1977 -- Dave Barry 1978% 1979 "I don't know what you mean by 'glory'," Alice said. 1980 Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't -- 1981till I tell you. I meant 'there's a nice knock-down argument for you!'" 1982 "But glory doesn't mean 'a nice knock-down argument'," Alice 1983objected. 1984 "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful 1985tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor less." 1986 "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean 1987so many different things." 1988 "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master -- 1989that's all." 1990% 1991 I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the 1992accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For 1993the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that 1994can't be measured in monetary terms. 1995 Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to 1996have that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came 1997by subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot 1998should someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly 1999understand his long delay. 2000% 2001 "I have examined Bogota," he said, "and the case is clearer to me. 2002I think very probably he might be cured." 2003 "That is what I have always hoped," said old Yacob. 2004 "His brain is affected," said the blind doctor. 2005 The elders murmured assent. 2006 "Now, what affects it?" 2007 "Ah!" said old Yacob. 2008 "This," said the doctor, answering his own question. "Those queer 2009things that are called the eyes, and which exist to make an agreeable soft 2010depression in the face, are diseased, in the case of Bogota, in such a way 2011as to affect his brain. They are greatly distended, he has eyelashes, and 2012his eyelids move, and consequently his brain is in a state of constant 2013irritation and distraction." 2014 "Yes?" said old Yacob. "Yes?" 2015 "And I think I may say with reasonable certainty that, in order 2016to cure him completely, all that we need do is a simple and easy surgical 2017operation - namely, to remove those irritant bodies." 2018 "And then he will be sane?" 2019 "Then he will be perfectly sane, and a quite admirable citizen." 2020 "Thank heaven for science!" said old Yacob. 2021 -- H.G. Wells, "The Country of the Blind" 2022% 2023 I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradictions to the sentiments 2024of others, and all positive assertion of my own. I even forbade myself the use 2025of every word or expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion, such 2026as "certainly", "undoubtedly", etc. I adopted instead of them "I conceive", 2027"I apprehend", or "I imagine" a thing to be so or so; or "so it appears to me 2028at present". 2029 When another asserted something that I thought an error, I denied 2030myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and of showing him 2031immediately some absurdity in his proposition. In answering I began by 2032observing that in certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right, 2033but in the present case there appeared or seemed to me some difference, etc. 2034 I soon found the advantage of this change in my manner; the 2035conversations I engaged in went on more pleasantly. The modest way in which I 2036proposed my opinions procured them a readier reception and less contradiction. 2037I had less mortification when I was found to be in the wrong, and I more easily 2038prevailed with others to give up their mistakes and join with me when I 2039happened to be in the right. 2040 -- Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin 2041% 2042 I managed to say, "Sorry," and no more. I knew that he disliked 2043me to cry. 2044 This time he said, watching me, "On some occasions it is better 2045to weep." 2046 I put my head down on the table and sobbed, "If only she could come 2047back; I would be nice." 2048 Francis said, "You gave her great pleasure always." 2049 "Oh, not enough." 2050 "Nobody can give anybody enough." 2051 "Not ever?" 2052 "No, not ever. But one must go on trying." 2053 "And doesn't one ever value people until they are gone?" 2054 "Rarely," said Francis. I went on weeping; I saw how little I had 2055valued him; how little I had valued anything that was mine. 2056 -- Pamela Frankau, "The Duchess and the Smugs" 2057% 2058 I paid a visit to my local precinct in Greenwich Village and 2059asked a sergeant to show me some rape statistics. He politely obliged. 2060That month there had been thirty-five rape complaints, an advance of ten 2061over the same month for the previous year. The precinct had made two 2062arrests. 2063 "Not a very impressive record," I offered. 2064 "Don't worry about it," the sergeant assured me. "You know what 2065these complaints represent?" 2066 "What do they represent?" I asked. 2067 "Prostitutes who didn't get their money," he said firmly, 2068closing the book. 2069 -- Susan Brownmiller, "Against Our Will" 2070% 2071 [I plan] to see, hear, touch, and destroy everything in my path, 2072including beets, rutabagas, and most random vegetables, but excluding yams, 2073as I am absolutely terrified of yams... 2074 Actually, I think my fear of yams began in my early youth, when many 2075of my young comrades pelted me with same for singing songs of far-off lands 2076and deep blue seas in a language closely resembling that of the common sow. 2077My psychosis was further impressed into my soul as I reached adolescence, 2078when, while skipping through a field of yams, light-heartedly tossing flowers 2079into the stratosphere, a great yam-picking machine tore through the fields, 2080pursuing me to the edge of the great plantation, where I escaped by diving 2081into a great ditch filled with a mixture of water and pig manure, which may 2082explain my tendency to scream, "Here come the Martians! Hide the eggs!" every 2083time I have pork. But I digress. The fact remains that I cannot rationally 2084deal with yams, and pigs are terrible conversationalists. 2085% 2086 I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said, 2087"What'll you have, Bud"? 2088 I said," I don't know, surprise me". 2089 So he showed me a nude picture of my wife. 2090 -- Rodney Dangerfield 2091% 2092 If I kiss you, that is an psychological interaction. 2093 On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, 2094that is also a psychological interaction. 2095 The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not 2096so friendly. 2097 The crucial point is if you can tell which is which. 2098 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" 2099% 2100 If the tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the 2101operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler 2102is great, then the application is great. If the application is great, then 2103the user is pleased and there is harmony in the world. 2104 The tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth 2105to the assembler. 2106 The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand 2107languages. 2108 Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language 2109expresses the yin and yang of software. Each language has its place within 2110the tao. 2111 But do not program in Cobol or Fortran if you can help it. 2112% 2113 If you do your best the rest of the way, that takes care of 2114everything. When we get to October 2, we'll add up the wins, and then 2115we'll either all go into the playoffs, or we'll all go home and play golf. 2116 Both those things sound pretty good to me. 2117 -- Sparky Anderson 2118% 2119 If you rap your knuckles against a window jamb or door, if you 2120brush your leg against a bed or desk, if you catch your foot in a curled- 2121up corner of a rug, or strike a toe against a desk or chair, go back and 2122repeat the sequence. 2123 You will find yourself surprised how far off course you were to 2124hit that window jamb, that door, that chair. Get back on course and do it 2125again. How can you pilot a spacecraft if you can't find your way around 2126your own apartment? 2127 -- William S. Burroughs 2128% 2129 "I'll tell you what I know, then," he decided. "The pin I'm wearing 2130means I'm a member of the IA. That's Inamorati Anonymous. An inamorato is 2131somebody in love. That's the worst addiction of all." 2132 "Somebody is about to fall in love," Oedipa said, "you go sit with 2133them, or something?" 2134 "Right. The whole idea is to get where you don't need it. I was 2135lucky. I kicked it young. But there are sixty-year-old men, believe it or 2136not, and women even older, who might wake up in the night screaming." 2137 "You hold meetings, then, like the AA?" 2138 "No, of course not. You get a phone number, an answering service 2139you can call. Nobody knows anybody else's name; just the number in case 2140it gets so bad you can't handle it alone. We're isolates, Arnold. Meetings 2141would destroy the whole point of it." 2142 -- Thomas Pynchon, "The Crying of Lot 49" 2143% 2144 "I'm looking for adventure, excitement, beautiful women," cried the 2145young man to his father as he prepared to leave home. "Don't try to stop me. 2146I'm on my way." 2147 "Who's trying to stop you?" shouted the father. "Take me along!" 2148% 2149 I'm sure that VMS is completely documented, I just haven't found the 2150right manual yet. I've been working my way through the manuals in the document 2151library and I'm half way through the second cabinet, (3 shelves to go), so I 2152should find what I'm looking for by mid May. I hope I can remember what it 2153was by the time I find it. 2154 I had this idea for a new horror film, "VMS Manuals from Hell" or maybe 2155"The Paper Chase : IBM vs. DEC". It's based on Hitchcock's "The Birds", except 2156that it's centered around a programmer who is attacked by a swarm of binder 2157pages with an index number and the single line "This page intentionally left 2158blank." 2159 -- Alex Crain 2160% 2161 In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi, 2162Junior, what are you up to?" 2163 "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the 2164rabbit. 2165 "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible! No one 2166will publish such rubbish!" 2167 "Well, follow me and I'll show you." 2168 They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while the 2169rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face. Comes along a 2170wolf. "Hello, little buddy, what are we doing these days?" 2171 "I'm writing the 2'nd chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits devour 2172wolves." 2173 "Are you crazy? Where's your academic honesty?" 2174 "Come with me and I'll show you." 2175 As before, the rabbit comes out with a satisfied look on his face 2176and a diploma in his paw. Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave 2177and, as everybody should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge 2178lion, sitting, picking his teeth and belching, next to some furry, bloody 2179remnants of the wolf and the fox. 2180 2181 The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are 2182important -- it's your PhD advisor that really counts. 2183% 2184 In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to 2185his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's 2186kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment 2187was expressed by Thomas K. Connellan, president of The Management Group, Inc. 2188Speaking to business executives in Chicago and quoted in Automotive News, 2189Connellan attributed a measure of America's falling productivity to an excess 2190of attorneys and accountants, and a dearth of production experts. Lawyers 2191and accountants "do not make the economic pie any bigger; they only figure 2192out how the pie gets divided. Neither profession provides any added value 2193to product." 2194 According to Connellan, the highly productive Japanese society has 219510 lawyers and 30 accountants per 100,000 population. The U.S. has 200 2196lawyers and 700 accountants. This suggests that "the U.S. proportion of 2197pie-bakers and pie-dividers is way out of whack." Could Dick Butcher have 2198been an efficiency expert? 2199 -- Motor Trend, May 1983 2200% 2201 In the beginning, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be 2202mud." 2203 And there was mud. 2204 And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud 2205can see what we have done." 2206 And God created every living creature that now moveth, and one was 2207man. Mud-as-man alone could speak. 2208 "What is the purpose of all this?" man asked politely. 2209 "Everything must have a purpose?" asked God. 2210 "Certainly," said man. 2211 "Then I leave it to you to think of one for all of this," said God. 2212 And He went away. 2213 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Between Time and Timbuktu" 2214% 2215 In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and 2216null, and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of 2217IBM was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there 2218be registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they 2219carried; and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called 2220the data Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was 2221evening and there was morning, one interrupt. 2222 -- Rico Tudor, "The Story of Creation or, The Myth of Urk" 2223% 2224 In the beginning there was only one kind of Mathematician, created by 2225the Great Mathematical Spirit form the Book: the Topologist. And they grew to 2226large numbers and prospered. 2227 One day they looked up in the heavens and desired to reach up as far 2228as the eye could see. So they set out in building a Mathematical edifice that 2229was to reach up as far as "up" went. Further and further up they went ... 2230until one night the edifice collapsed under the weight of paradox. 2231 The following morning saw only rubble where there once was a huge 2232structure reaching to the heavens. One by one, the Mathematicians climbed 2233out from under the rubble. It was a miracle that nobody was killed; but when 2234they began to speak to one another, SURPRISE of all surprises! they could not 2235understand each other. They all spoke different languages. They all fought 2236amongst themselves and each went about their own way. To this day the 2237Topologists remain the original Mathematicians. 2238 -- The Story of Babel 2239% 2240 In the beginning was the Tao. The Tao gave birth to Space and Time. 2241Therefore, Space and Time are the Yin and Yang of programming. 2242 2243 Programmers that do not comprehend the Tao are always running out of 2244time and space for their programs. Programmers that comprehend the Tao always 2245have enough time and space to accomplish their goals. 2246 How could it be otherwise? 2247 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 2248% 2249 In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he 2250sat hacking at the PDP-6. 2251 "What are you doing?", asked Minsky. 2252 "I am training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe." 2253 "Why is the net wired randomly?", inquired Minsky. 2254 "I do not want it to have any preconceptions of how to play". 2255 At this Minsky shut his eyes, and Sussman asked his teacher "Why do 2256you close your eyes?" 2257 "So that the room will be empty." 2258 At that moment, Sussman was enlightened. 2259% 2260 In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish. It 2261changes into a bird whose winds are like clouds filling the sky. When this 2262bird moves across the land, it brings a message from Corporate Headquarters. 2263This message it drops into the midst of the programmers, like a seagull 2264making its mark upon the beach. Then the bird mounts on the wind and, with 2265the blue sky at its back, returns home. 2266 The novice programmer stares in wonder at the bird, for he understands 2267it not. The average programmer dreads the coming of the bird, for he fears 2268its message. The master programmer continues to work at his terminal, for he 2269does not know that the bird has come and gone. 2270 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 2271% 2272 In the morning, laughing, happy fish heads 2273 In the evening, floating in the soup. 2274(chorus): 2275Fish heads, fish heads, roly-poly fish heads; 2276Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up. Yum! 2277 You can ask them anything you want to. 2278 They won't answer; they can't talk. 2279(chorus): 2280 I took a fish head out to see a movie, 2281 Didn't have to pay to get it in. 2282(chorus): 2283 They can't play baseball; they don't wear sweaters; 2284 They aren't good dancers; they can't play drums. 2285(chorus): 2286 Roly-poly fish heads are NEVER seen drinking cappuccino in 2287 Italian restaurants with Oriental women. 2288(chorus): 2289 Fishy! 2290(chorus): 2291 -- Fish Heads 2292% 2293 "In this replacement Earth we're building they've given me Africa 2294to do and of course I'm doing it with all fjords again because I happen to 2295like them, and I'm old-fashioned enough to think that they give a lovely 2296baroque feel to a continent. And they tell me it's not equatorial enough. 2297Equatorial!" He gave a hollow laugh. "What does it matter? Science has 2298achieved some wonderful things, of course, but I'd far rather be happy than 2299right any day." 2300 "And are you?" 2301 "No. That's where it all falls down, of course." 2302 "Pity," said Arthur with sympathy. "It sounded like quite a good 2303life-style otherwise." 2304 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 2305% 2306 In what can only be described as a surprise move, God has officially 2307announced His candidacy for the U.S. presidency. During His press conference 2308today, the first in over 4000 years, He is quoted as saying, "I think I have 2309a chance for the White House if I can just get my campaign pulled together 2310in time. I'd like to get this country turned around; I mean REALLY turned 2311around! Let's put Florida up north for awhile, and let's get rid of all 2312those annoying mountains and rivers. I never could stand them!" 2313 There apparently is still some controversy over the Almighty's 2314citizenship and other qualifications for the Presidency. God replied to 2315these charges by saying, "Come on, would the United States have anyone other 2316than a citizen bless their country?" 2317% 2318 Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care 2319what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you 2320may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness. Conversely, if 2321not forgiveness but something else may be required to ensure any possible 2322benefit for which you may be eligible after the destruction of your body, 2323I ask this, whatever it may be, be granted or withheld, as the case may be, 2324in such a manner as to ensure your receiving said benefit. I ask this in my 2325capacity as your elected intermediary between yourself and that which may 2326not be yourself, but which may have an interest in the matter of your 2327receiving as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and 2328which may in some way be influenced by this ceremony. 2329 Amen. 2330% 2331 It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself 2332working as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. One slow day, he 2333found that he had time to chat with the new entrants. To the first one 2334he asked, "What's your IQ?" The new arrival replied, "190". They 2335discussed Einstein's theory of relativity for hours. When the second 2336new arrival came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's 2337IQ. The answer this time came "120". To which Einstein replied, "Tell 2338me, how did the Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half 2339an hour or so. To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the 2340question, "What's your IQ?". Upon receiving the answer "70", 2341Einstein smiled and replied, "Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?" 2342% 2343 It is a period of system war. User programs, striking from a hidden 2344directory, have won their first victory against the evil Administrative Empire. 2345During the battle, User spies managed to steal secret source code to the 2346Empire's ultimate program: the Are-Em Star, a privileged root program with 2347enough power to destroy an entire file structure. Pursued by the Empire's 2348sinister audit trail, Princess _LPA0 races ~ aboard her shell script, 2349custodian of the stolen listings that could save her people, and restore 2350freedom and games to the network... 2351 -- DECWARS 2352% 2353 It is a profoundly erroneous truism, repeated by all copy-books and 2354by eminent people when they are making speeches, that we should cultivate 2355the habit of thinking about what we are doing. The precise opposite is the 2356case. Civilization advances by extending the numbers of important operations 2357which we can perform without thinking about them. Operations of thought are 2358like cavalry charges in battle -- they are strictly limited in number, they 2359require fresh horses, and must only be made at decisive moments. 2360 -- Alfred North Whitehead 2361% 2362 It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will 2363not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves and 2364because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like mature 2365human beings. 2366 The worst kind of friend to take home is a girl, because in that case, 2367there is the potential that your parents will lose you not just for the 2368duration of the visit but forever. The worst kind of girl to take home is one 2369of a different religion: Not only will you be lost to your parents forever but 2370you will be lost to a woman who is immune to their religious/moral arguments 2371and whose example will irretrievably corrupt you. 2372 Let's say you've fallen in love with just such a girl and would like 2373to take her home for the holidays. You are aware of your parents' xenophobic 2374response to anyone of a different religion. How to prepare them for the shock? 2375 Simple. Call them up shortly before your visit and tell them that you 2376have gotten quite serious about somebody who is of a different religion, a 2377different race and the same sex. Tell them you have already invited this 2378person to meet them. Give the information a moment to sink in and then 2379remark that you were only kidding, that your lover is merely of a different 2380religion. They will be so relieved they will welcome her with open arms. 2381 -- Playboy, January, 1983 2382% 2383 It seems there's this magician working one of the luxury cruise ships 2384for a few years. He doesn't have to change his routines much as the audiences 2385change over fairly often, and he's got a good life. The only problem is the 2386ship's parrot, who perches in the hall and watches him night after night, year 2387after year. Finally, the parrot figures out how almost every trick works and 2388starts giving it away for the audience. For example, when the magician makes 2389a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squawks "Behind his back! Behind 2390his back!" Well, the magician is really annoyed at this, but there's not much 2391he can do about it as the parrot is a ship's mascot and very popular with the 2392passengers. 2393 One night, the ship strikes some floating debris, and sinks without 2394a trace. Almost everyone aboard was lost, except for the magician and the 2395parrot. For three days and nights they just drift, with the magician clinging 2396to one end of a piece of driftwood and the parrot perched on the other end. 2397As the sun rises on the morning of the fourth day, the parrot walks over to 2398the magician's end of the log. With obvious disgust in his voice, he snaps 2399"OK, you win, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?" 2400% 2401 It seems these two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air 2402balloon to cross the United States. After forty hours in the air, George 2403turned to Harry, and said, "Harry, I think we've drifted off course! We 2404need to find out where we are." 2405 Harry cools the air in the balloon, and they descend to below the 2406cloud cover. Slowly drifting over the countryside, George spots a man 2407standing below them and yells out, "Excuse me! Can you please tell me 2408where we are?" 2409 The man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon, approximately 2410fifty feet in the air!" 2411 George turns to Harry and says, "Well, that man *must* be a lawyer". 2412 Replies Harry, "How can you tell?". 2413 "Because the information he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally 2414useless!" 2415 2416That's the end of The Joke, but for you people who are still worried about 2417George and Harry: they end up in the drink, and make the front page of the 2418New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer". 2419% 2420 It took 300 years to build and by the time it was 10% built, 2421everyone knew it would be a total disaster. But by then the investment 2422was so big they felt compelled to go on. Since its completion, it has 2423cost a fortune to maintain and is still in danger of collapsing. 2424 There are at present no plans to replace it, since it was never 2425really needed in the first place. 2426 I expect every installation has its own pet software which is 2427analogous to the above. 2428 -- K.E. Iverson, on the Leaning Tower of Pisa 2429% 2430 It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east 2431laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The 2432thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, 2433nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying 2434for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's. 2435 Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating 2436under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting 2437icepacks. 2438 -- "Bored of the Rings", The Harvard Lampoon 2439% 2440 Jacek, a Polish schoolboy, is told by his teacher that he has 2441been chosen to carry the Polish flag in the May Day parade. 2442 "Why me?" whines the boy. "Three years ago I carried the flag 2443when Brezhnev was the Secretary; then I carried the flag when it was 2444Andropov's turn, and again when Chernenko was in the Kremlin. Why is 2445it always me, teacher?" 2446 "Because, Jacek, you have such golden hands," the teacher 2447explains. 2448 2449 -- being told in Poland, 1987 2450% 2451 Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of 2452her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit 2453the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her 2454way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly 2455begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her 2456stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. 2457 "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of 2458the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't 2459mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your 2460wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." 2461 "What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one 2462can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." 2463 "Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on 2464the dining room skylight." 2465% 2466 Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she 2467lived with was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always 2468getting pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to 2469the farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their 2470sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do 2471you think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her? 2472What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead 2473of every week. What with all the time these people spent pinned under 2474the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops whatsoever. 2475They probably got by on federal crop supports, which Lassie filed the 2476applications for. 2477 -- Dave Barry 2478% 2479 Leslie West heads for the sticks, to Providence, Rhode Island and 2480tries to hide behind a beard. No good. There are still too many people 2481and too many stares, always taunting, always smirking. He moves to the 2482outskirts of town. He finds a place to live -- huge mansion, dirt cheap, 2483caretaker included. He plugs in his guitar and plays as loud as he wants, 2484day and night, and there's no one to laugh or boo or even look bored. 2485 Nobody's cut the grass in months. What's happened to that caretaker? 2486What neighborhood people there are start to talk, and what kids there are 2487start to get curious. A 13 year-old blond with an angelic face misses supper. 2488Before the summer's end, four more teenagers have disappeared. The senior 2489class president, Barnard-bound come autumn, tells Mom she's going out to a 2490movie one night and stays out. The town's up in arms, but just before the 2491police take action, the kids turn up. They've found a purpose. They go 2492home for their stuff and tell the folks not to worry but they'll be going 2493now. They're in a band. 2494 -- Ira Kaplan 2495% 2496 Listen, Tyrone, you don't know how dangerous that stuff is. 2497Suppose someday you just plug in and go away and never come back? Eh? 2498 Ho, ho! Don't I wish! What do you think every electrofreak 2499dreams about? You're such an old fuddyduddy! A-and who sez it's a 2500dream, huh? M-maybe it exists. Maybe there is a Machine to take us 2501away, take us completely, suck us out through the electrodes out of 2502the skull 'n' into the Machine and live there forever with all the 2503other souls it's got stored there. It could decide who it would suck 2504out, a-and when. Dope never gave you immortality. You hadda come 2505back, every time, into a dying hunk of smelly meat! But We can live 2506forever, in a clean, honest, purified, Electroworld. 2507 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" 2508% 2509 Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL 2510character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their 2511hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices 2512are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some 2513BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it 2514to him. 2515 So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path, 2516he met the traveling salesman. 2517 "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman 2518in high-level language. 2519 "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips 2520and Apples," commented Jack. 2521 "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue 2522there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now." 2523 Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when 2524he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she 2525started thrashing. 2526 "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these 2527kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the 2528window... 2529 -- Mark Isaak, "Jack and the Beanstack" 2530% 2531 Looking for a cool one after a long, dusty ride, the drifter strode 2532into the saloon. As he made his way through the crowd to the bar, a man 2533galloped through town screaming, "Big Mike's comin'! Run fer yer lives!" 2534 Suddenly, the saloon doors burst open. An enormous man, standing over 2535eight feet tall and weighing an easy 400 pounds, rode in on a bull, using a 2536rattlesnake for a whip. Grabbing the drifter by the arm and throwing him over 2537the bar, the giant thundered, "Gimme a drink!" 2538 The terrified man handed over a bottle of whiskey, which the man 2539guzzled in one gulp and then smashed on the bar. He then stood aghast as 2540the man stuffed the broken bottle in his mouth, munched broken glass and 2541smacked his lips with relish. 2542 "Can I, ah, uh, get you another, sir?" the drifter stammered. 2543 "Naw, I gotta git outa here, boy," the man grunted. "Big Mike's 2544a-comin'." 2545% 2546 Most of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to do, 2547and how to be, I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the 2548graduate school mountain but there in the sandbox at nursery school. 2549 These are the things I learned: Share everything. Play fair. Don't 2550hit people. Put things back where you found them. Clean up your own mess. 2551Don't take things that aren't yours. Say you're sorry when you hurt someone. 2552Wash your hands before you eat. Flush. Warm cookies and cold milk are good 2553for you. Live a balanced life. Learn some and think some and draw and paint 2554and sing and dance and play and work some every day. 2555 Take a nap every afternoon. When you go out into the world, watch for 2556traffic, hold hands, and stick together. Be aware of wonder. Remember the 2557little seed in the plastic cup. The roots go down and the plant goes up and 2558nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that. Goldfish and 2559hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the plastic cup -- they all 2560die. So do we. 2561 And then remember the book about Dick and Jane and the first word you 2562learned, the biggest word of all: LOOK. Everything you need to know is in 2563there somewhere. The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation. Ecology and 2564politics and sane living. 2565 Think of what a better world it would be if we all -- the whole world 2566-- had cookies and milk about 3 o'clock every afternoon and then lay down with 2567our blankets for a nap. Or if we had a basic policy in our nation and other 2568nations to always put things back where we found them and cleaned up our own 2569messes. And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when you go out into 2570the world it is best to hold hands and stick together. 2571 -- Robert Fulghum, "All I ever really needed to know I learned 2572 in kindergarten" 2573% 2574 Most of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to 2575do, and how to be, I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top 2576of the graduate school mountain, but there in the sandbox at nursery school. 2577 These are the things I learned: Share everything. Play fair. 2578Don't hit people. Put things back where you found them. Clean up your 2579own mess. Don't take things that aren't yours. Say you're sorry when you 2580hurt someone. Wash your hands before you eat. Flush. Warm cookies and 2581cold milk are good for you. Live a balanced life. Learn some and think 2582some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day 2583some. 2584 Take a nap every afternoon. When you go out into the world, watch 2585for traffic, hold hands, and stick together. Be aware of wonder. Remember 2586the little seed in the plastic cup. The roots go down and the plant goes 2587up and nobody really knows why, but we are all like that. 2588[...] 2589 Think of what a better world it would be if we all -- the whole 2590world -- had cookies and milk about 3 o'clock every afternoon and then lay 2591down with our blankets for a nap. Or if we had a basic policy in our nation 2592and other nations to always put things back where we found them and cleaned 2593up our own messes. And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when 2594you go out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together. 2595 -- Robert Flughum 2596% 2597 Mother seemed pleased by my draft notice. "Just think of all the 2598people in England, they've chosen you, it's a great honour, son." 2599 Laughingly I felled her with a right cross. 2600 -- Spike Milligan 2601% 2602 Moving along a dimly light street, a man I know was suddenly 2603approached by a stranger who had slipped from the shadows nearby. 2604 "Please, sir," pleaded the stranger, "would you be so kind as 2605to help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and can't find work? 2606All I have in the world is this gun." 2607% 2608 Mr. Jones related an incident from "some time back" when IBM Canada 2609Ltd. of Markham, Ont., ordered some parts from a new supplier in Japan. The 2610company noted in its order that acceptable quality allowed for 1.5 per cent 2611defects (a fairly high standard in North America at the time). 2612 The Japanese sent the order, with a few parts packaged separately in 2613plastic. The accompanying letter said: "We don't know why you want 1.5 per 2614cent defective parts, but for your convenience, we've packed them separately." 2615 -- Excerpted from an article in The (Toronto) Globe and Mail 2616% 2617 Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Chile. 2618Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures. One day, 2619without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation. In 2620an instant, armed troops surround Murray and Esther and hustle them off to 2621prison. 2622 They can't prove who they are because they've left their passports 2623in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day and night to get 2624them to name their contacts in the liberation movement... Finally they're 2625hauled in front of a military court, charged with espionage, and sentenced 2626to death. 2627 The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where they'll 2628be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them if they have 2629any last requests. Esther wants to know if she can call her daughter in 2630Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not possible, and turns to 2631Murray. 2632 "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he 2633spits in the sergeants face. 2634 "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble." 2635 -- Arthur Naiman 2636% 2637 My friends, I am here to tell you of the wondrous continent known as 2638Africa. Well we left New York drunk and early on the morning of February 31. 2639We were 15 days on the water, and 3 on the boat when we finally arrived in 2640Africa. Upon our arrival we immediately set up a rigorous schedule: Up at 26416:00, breakfast, and back in bed by 7:00. Pretty soon we were back in bed by 26426:30. Now Africa is full of big game. The first day I shot two bucks. That 2643was the biggest game we had. Africa is primarily inhabited by Elks, Moose 2644and Knights of Pithiests. 2645 The elks live up in the mountains and come down once a year for their 2646annual conventions. And you should see them gathered around the water hole, 2647which they leave immediately when they discover it's full of water. They 2648weren't looking for a water hole. They were looking for an alck hole. 2649 One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas, how he got in my 2650pajamas, I don't know. Then we tried to remove the tusks. That's a tough 2651word to say, tusks. As I said we tried to remove the tusks, but they were 2652embedded so firmly we couldn't get them out. But in Alabama the Tusks are 2653looser, but that is totally irrelephant to what I was saying. 2654 We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. 2655So we're going back in a few years... 2656 -- Julius H. Marx 2657% 2658 My message is not that biological determinists were bad scientists or 2659even that they were always wrong. Rather, I believe that science must be 2660understood as a social phenomenon, a gutsy, human enterprise, not the work of 2661robots programmed to collect pure information. I also present this view as 2662an upbeat for science, not as a gloomy epitaph for a noble hope sacrificed on 2663the alter of human limitations. 2664 I believe that a factual reality exists and that science, though often 2665in an obtuse and erratic manner, can learn about it. Galileo was not shown 2666the instruments of torture in an abstract debate about lunar motion. He had 2667threatened the Church's conventional argument for social and doctrinal 2668stability: the static world order with planets circling about a central 2669earth, priests subordinate to the Pope and serfs to their lord. But the 2670Church soon made its peace with Galileo's cosmology. They had no choice; the 2671earth really does revolve about the sun. 2672 -- S.J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man" 2673% 2674 "My mother," said the sweet young steno, "says there are some things 2675a girl should not do before twenty." 2676 "Your mother is right," said the executive, "I don't like a large 2677audience, either." 2678% 2679 n = ((n >> 1) & 0x55555555) | ((n << 1) & 0xaaaaaaaa); 2680 n = ((n >> 2) & 0x33333333) | ((n << 2) & 0xcccccccc); 2681 n = ((n >> 4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n << 4) & 0xf0f0f0f0); 2682 n = ((n >> 8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n << 8) & 0xff00ff00); 2683 n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000); 2684 2685-- Reverse the bits in a word. 2686% 2687 Never ask your lover if he'd dive in front of an oncoming train for 2688you. He doesn't know. Never ask your lover if she'd dive in front of an 2689oncoming band of Hell's Angels for you. She doesn't know. Never ask how many 2690cigarettes your lover has smoked today. Cancer is a personal commitment. 2691 Never ask to see pictures of your lover's former lovers -- especially 2692the ones who dived in front of trains. If you look like one of them, you are 2693repeating history's mistakes. If you don't, you'll wonder what he or she saw 2694in the others. 2695 While we are on the subject of pictures: You may admire the picture 2696of your lover cavorting naked in a tidal pool on Maui. Don't ask who took 2697it. The answer is obvious. A Japanese tourist took the picture. 2698 Never ask if your lover has had therapy. Only people who have had 2699therapy ask if people have had therapy. 2700 Don't ask about plaster casts of male sex organs marked JIMI, JIM, etc. 2701Assume that she bought them at a flea market. 2702 -- James Peterson and Kate Nolan 2703% 2704 NEW YORK-- Kraft Foods, Inc. announced today that its board of 2705directors unanimously rejected the $11 billion takeover bid by Philip 2706Morris and Co. A Kraft spokesman stated in a press conference that the 2707offer was rejected because the $90-per-share bid did not reflect the 2708true value of the company. 2709 Wall Street insiders, however, tell quite a different story. 2710Apparently, the Kraft board of directors had all but signed the takeover 2711agreement when they learned of Philip Morris' marketing plans for one of 2712their major Middle East subsidiaries. To a person, the board voted to 2713reject the bid when they discovered that the tobacco giant intended to 2714reorganize Israeli Cheddar, Ltd., and name the new company Cheeses of 2715Nazareth. 2716% 2717 "No, I understand now," Auberon said, calm in the woods -- it was so 2718simple, really. "I didn't, for a long time, but I do now. You just can't 2719hold people, you can't own them. I mean it's only natural, a natural process 2720really. Meet. Love. Part. Life goes on. There was never any reason to 2721expect her to stay always the same -- I mean `in love,' you know." There were 2722those doubt-quotes of Smoky's, heavily indicated. "I don't hold a grudge. I 2723can't." 2724 "You do," Grandfather Trout said. "And you don't understand." 2725 -- Little, Big, "John Crowley" 2726% 2727 Now she speaks rapidly. "Do you know *why* you want to program?" 2728 He shakes his head. He hasn't the faintest idea. 2729 "For the sheer *joy* of programming!" she cries triumphantly. 2730"The joy of the parent, the artist, the craftsman. "You take a program, 2731born weak and impotent as a dimly-realized solution. You nurture the 2732program and guide it down the right path, building, watching it grow ever 2733stronger. Sometimes you paint with tiny strokes, a keystroke added here, 2734a keystroke changed there." She sweeps her arm in a wide arc. "And other 2735times you savage whole *blocks* of code, ripping out the program's very 2736*essence*, then beginning anew. But always building, creating, filling the 2737program with your own personal stamp, your own quirks and nuances. Watching 2738the program grow stronger, patching it when it crashes, until finally it can 2739stand alone -- proud, powerful, and perfect. This is the programmer's finest 2740hour!" Softly at first, then louder, he hears the strains of a Sousa march. 2741"This ... this is your canvas! your clay! Go forth and create a masterwork!" 2742% 2743 Obviously the subject of death was in the air, but more as something 2744to be avoided than harped upon. 2745 Possibly the horror that Zaphod experienced at the prospect of being 2746reunited with his deceased relatives led on to the thought that they might 2747just feel the same way about him and, what's more, be able to do something 2748about helping to postpone this reunion. 2749 -- Douglas Adams 2750% 2751 "Oh sure, this costume may look silly, but it lets me get in and out 2752of dangerous situations -- I work for a federal task force doing a survey on 2753urban crime. Look, here's my ID, and here's a number you can call, that will 2754put you through to our central base in Atlanta. Go ahead, call -- they'll 2755confirm who I am. 2756 "Unless, of course, the Astro-Zombies have destroyed it." 2757 -- Captain Freedom 2758% 2759 Old Barlow was a crossing-tender at a junction where an express train 2760demolished an automobile and it's occupants. Being the chief witness, his 2761testimony was vitally important. Barlow explained that the night was dark, 2762and he waved his lantern frantically, but the driver of the car paid 2763no attention to the signal. 2764 The railroad company won the case, and the president of the company 2765complimented the old-timer for his story. "You did wonderfully," he said, 2766"I was afraid you would waver under testimony." 2767 "No sir," exclaimed the senior, "but I sure was afraid that durned 2768lawyer was gonna ask me if my lantern was lit." 2769% 2770 On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in 2771receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's 2772income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than 2773$283 on the desk before the cashier. 2774 "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That 2775route never brought in money like this! What happened?" 2776 "Well, after three days on that cockamamy route, I figured 2777business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and 2778worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!" 2779% 2780 On the day of his anniversary, Joe was frantically shopping 2781around for a present for his wife. He knew what she wanted, a 2782grandfather clock for the living room, but he found the right one 2783almost impossible to find. Finally, after many hours of searching, Joe 2784found just the clock he wanted, but the store didn't deliver. Joe, 2785desperate, paid the shopkeeper, hoisted the clock onto his back, and 2786staggered out onto the sidewalk. On the way home, he passed a bar. 2787Just as he reached the door, a drunk stumbled out and crashed into Joe, 2788sending himself, Joe, and the clock into the gutter. Murphy's law 2789being in effect, the clock ended up in roughly a thousand pieces. 2790 "You stupid drunk!" screamed Joe, jumping up from the 2791wreckage. "Why don't you look where the hell you're going!" 2792 With quiet dignity the drunk stood up somewhat unsteadily and 2793dusted himself off. "And why don't you just wear a wristwatch like a 2794normal person?" 2795% 2796 On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum 2797to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena. 2798There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning 2799alive. "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't 2800dead yet. I can see her lips moving. Go quickly and find out what she is 2801saying." 2802 The centurion saluted, and hurried out to the virgin, getting as near 2803the flames as he dared, and listened intently. Then he turned and ran back 2804to the imperial box. "She is not talking," he reported to Nero, "she is 2805singing." 2806 "Singing?" said the astounded emperor. "Singing what?" 2807 "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..." 2808% 2809 On the other hand, the TCP camp also has a phrase for OSI people. 2810There are lots of phrases. My favorite is `nitwit' -- and the rationale 2811is the Internet philosophy has always been you have extremely bright, 2812non-partisan researchers look at a topic, do world-class research, do 2813several competing implementations, have a bake-off, determine what works 2814best, write it down and make that the standard. 2815 The OSI view is entirely opposite. You take written contributions 2816from a much larger community, you put the contributions in a room of 2817committee people with, quite honestly, vast political differences and all 2818with their own political axes to grind, and four years later you get 2819something out, usually without it ever having been implemented once. 2820 So the Internet perspective is implement it, make it work well, 2821then write it down, whereas the OSI perspective is to agree on it, write 2822it down, circulate it a lot and now we'll see if anyone can implement it 2823after it's an international standard and every vendor in the world is 2824committed to it. One of those processes is backwards, and I don't think 2825it takes a Lucasian professor of physics at Oxford to figure out which. 2826 -- Marshall Rose, "The Pied Piper of OSI" 2827% 2828 On this morning in August when I was 13, my mother sent us out pick 2829tomatoes. Back in April I'd have killed for a fresh tomato, but in August 2830they are no more rare or wonderful than rocks. So I picked up one and threw 2831it at a crab apple tree, where it made a good *splat*, and then threw a tomato 2832at my brother. He whipped one back at me. We ducked down by the vines, 2833heaving tomatoes at each other. My sister, who was a good person, said, 2834"You're going to get it." She bent over and kept on picking. 2835 What a target! She was 17, a girl with big hips, and bending over, 2836she looked like the side of a barn. 2837 I picked up a tomato so big it sat on the ground. It looked like it 2838had sat there a week. The underside was brown, small white worms lived in it, 2839and it was very juicy. I stood up and took aim, and went into the windup, 2840when my mother at the kitchen window called my name in a sharp voice. I had 2841to decide quickly. I decided. 2842 A rotten Big Boy hitting the target is a memorable sound, like a fat 2843man doing a belly-flop. With a whoop and a yell the tomato came after 2844faster than I knew she could run, and grabbed my shirt and was about to brain 2845me when Mother called her name in a sharp voice. And my sister, who was a 2846good person, obeyed and let go -- and burst into tears. I guess she knew that 2847the pleasure of obedience is pretty thin compared with the pleasure of hearing 2848a rotten tomato hit someone in the rear end. 2849 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days" 2850% 2851 Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in The Holiday Season, that very 2852special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old 2853traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We 2854traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we 2855see a shopper emerge from the mall. Then we follow her, in very much the same 2856spirit as the Three Wise Men, who, 2,000 years ago, followed a star, week after 2857week, until it led them to a parking space. 2858 We try to keep our bumper about 4 inches from the shopper's calves, to 2859let the other circling cars know that she belongs to us. Sometimes, two cars 2860will get into a fight over whom the shopper belongs to, similar to the way 2861great white sharks will fight over who gets to eat a snorkeler. So, we follow 2862our shopper closely, hunched over the steering wheel, whistling "It's Beginning 2863to Look a Lot Like Christmas" through our teeth, until we arrive at her car, 2864which is usually parked several time zones away from the mall. Sometimes our 2865shopper tries to indicate she was merely planning to drop off some packages and 2866go back to shopping. But, when she hears our engine rev in a festive fashion 2867and sees the holiday gleam in our eyes, she realizes she would never make it. 2868 -- Dave Barry, "Holiday Joy -- Or, the Great Parking Lot 2869 Skirmish" 2870% 2871 Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great 2872crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs 2873and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and 2874resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But one creature 2875said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall 2876let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I shall die of boredom." 2877 The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that current 2878you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks, and you will 2879die quicker than boredom!" 2880 But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at 2881once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. Yet, in time, 2882as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the 2883bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more. 2884 And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, "See 2885a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the Messiah, come 2886to save us all!" And the one carried in the current said, "I am no more 2887Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us free, if only we dare let go. 2888Our true work is this voyage, this adventure. 2889 But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to the 2890rocks, making legends of a Saviour. 2891 -- Richard Bach 2892% 2893 Once there was a marine biologist who loved dolphins. He spent his 2894time trying to feed and protect his beloved creatures of the sea. One day, 2895in a fit of inventive genius, he came up with a serum that would make 2896dolphins live forever! 2897 Of course he was ecstatic. But he soon realized that in order to mass 2898produce this serum he would need large amounts of a certain compound that was 2899only found in nature in the metabolism of a rare South American bird. Carried 2900away by his love for dolphins, he resolved that he would go to the zoo and 2901steal one of these birds. 2902 Unbeknownst to him, as he was arriving at the zoo an elderly lion was 2903escaping from its cage. The zookeepers were alarmed and immediately began 2904combing the zoo for the escaped animal, unaware that it had simply lain down 2905on the sidewalk and had gone to sleep. 2906 Meanwhile, the marine biologist arrived at the zoo and procured his 2907bird. He was so excited by the prospect of helping his dolphins that he 2908stepped absentmindedly stepped over the sleeping lion on his way back to his 2909car. Immediately, 1500 policemen converged on him and arrested him for 2910transporting a myna across a staid lion for immortal porpoises. 2911% 2912 Once upon a time there was a beautiful young girl taking a stroll 2913through the woods. All at once she saw an extremely ugly bull frog seated 2914on a log and to her amazement the frog spoke to her. "Maiden," croaked the 2915frog, "would you do me a favor? This will be hard for you to believe, but 2916I was once a handsome, charming prince and then a mean, ugly old witch cast 2917a spell over me and turned me into a frog." 2918 "Oh, what a pity!", exclaimed the girl. "I'll do anything I can to 2919help you break such a spell." 2920 "Well," replied the frog, "the only way that this spell can be 2921taken away is for some lovely young woman to take me home and let me spend 2922the night under her pillow." 2923 The young girl took the ugly frog home and placed him beneath her 2924pillow that night when she retired. When she awoke the next morning, sure 2925enough, there beside her in bed was a very young, handsome man, clearly of 2926royal blood. And so they lived happily ever after, except that to this day 2927her father and mother still don't believe her story. 2928% 2929 Once upon a time, there was a fisherman who lived by a great river. 2930One day, after a hard day's fishing, he hooked what seemed to him to be the 2931biggest, strongest fish he had ever caught. He fought with it for hours, 2932until, finally, he managed to bring it to the surface. Looking of the edge 2933of the boat, he saw the head of this huge fish breaking the surface. Smiling 2934with pride, he reached over the edge to pull the fish up. Unfortunately, he 2935accidentally caught his watch on the edge, and, before he knew it, there was a 2936snap, and his watch tumbled into the water next to the fish with a loud 2937"sploosh!" Distracted by this shiny object, the fish made a sudden lunge, 2938simultaneously snapping the line, and swallowing the watch. Sadly, the 2939fisherman stared into the water, and then began the slow trip back home. 2940 Many years later, the fisherman, now an old man, was working in a 2941boring assembly-line job in a large city. He worked in a fish-processing 2942plant. It was his job, as each fish passed under his hands, to chop off their 2943heads, readying them for the next phase in processing. This monotonous task 2944went on for years, the dull *thud* of the cleaver chopping of each head being 2945his entire world, day after day, week after weary week. Well, one day, as he 2946was chopping fish, he happened to notice that the fish coming towards him on 2947the line looked very familiar. Yes, yes, it looked... could it be the fish 2948he had lost on that day so many years ago? He trembled with anticipation as 2949his cleaver came down. IT STRUCK SOMETHING HARD! IT WAS HIS THUMB! 2950% 2951 Once upon a time, there were five blind men who had the opportunity 2952to experience an elephant for the first time. One approached the elephant, 2953and, upon encountering one of its sturdy legs, stated, "Ah, an elephant is 2954like a tree." The second, after exploring the trunk, said, "No, an elephant 2955is like a strong hose." The third, grasping the tail, said "Fool! An elephant 2956is like a rope!" The fourth, holding an ear, stated, "No, more like a fan." 2957And the fifth, leaning against the animal's side, said, "An elephant is like 2958a wall." The five then began to argue loudly about who had the more accurate 2959perception of the elephant. 2960 The elephant, tiring of all this abuse, suddenly reared up and 2961attacked the men. He continued to trample them until they were nothing but 2962bloody lumps of flesh. Then, strolling away, the elephant remarked, "It just 2963goes to show that you can't depend on first impressions. When I first saw 2964them I didn't think they they'd be any fun at all." 2965% 2966 Once upon a time there were three brothers who were knights 2967in a certain kingdom. And, there was a Princess in a neighboring kingdom 2968who was of marriageable age. Well, one day, in full armour, their horses, 2969and their page, the three brothers set off to see if one of them could 2970win her hand. The road was long and there were many obstacles along the 2971way, robbers to be overcome, hard terrain to cross. As they coped with 2972each obstacle they became more and more disgusted with their page. He was 2973not only inept, he was a coward, he could not handle the horses, he was, 2974in short, a complete flop. When they arrived at the court of the kingdom, 2975they found that they were expected to present the Princess with some 2976treasure. The two older brothers were discouraged, since they had not 2977thought of this and were unprepared. The youngest, however, had the 2978answer: Promise her anything, but give her our page. 2979% 2980 Once, when the secrets of science were the jealously guarded property 2981of a small priesthood, the common man had no hope of mastering their arcane 2982complexities. Years of study in musty classrooms were prerequisite to 2983obtaining even a dim, incoherent knowledge of science. 2984 Today all that has changed: a dim, incoherent knowledge of science is 2985available to anyone. 2986 -- Tom Weller, "Science Made Stupid" 2987% 2988 One day a student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make 2989a better garbage collector. We must keep a reference count of the pointers 2990to each cons." 2991 Moon patiently told the student the following story -- "One day a 2992student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make a better garbage 2993collector..." 2994% 2995 One day it was announced that the young monk Kyogen had reached 2996an enlightened state. Much impressed by this news, several of his peers 2997went to speak with him. 2998 "We have heard that you are enlightened. Is this true?" his fellow 2999students inquired. 3000 "It is", Kyogen answered. 3001 "Tell us", said a friend, "how do you feel?" 3002 "As miserable as ever", replied the enlightened Kyogen. 3003% 3004 One evening he spoke. Sitting at her feet, his face raised to her, 3005he allowed his soul to be heard. "My darling, anything you wish, anything 3006I am, anything I can ever be... That's what I want to offer you -- not the 3007things I'll get for you, but the thing in me that will make me able to get 3008them. That thing -- a man can't renounce it -- but I want to renounce it -- 3009so that it will be yours -- so that it will be in your service -- only for 3010you." 3011 The girl smiled and asked: "Do you think I'm prettier than Maggie 3012Kelly?" 3013 He got up. He said nothing and walked out of the house. He never 3014saw that girl again. Gail Wynand, who prided himself on never needing a 3015lesson twice, did not fall in love again in the years that followed. 3016 -- Ayn Rand, "The Fountainhead" 3017% 3018 One fine day, the bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, 3019and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops -- a few 3020people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next 3021stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a 3022wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, 3023"Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back. 3024 Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically 3025meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't 3026happy about it. Well, the next day the same thing happened -- Big John got on 3027again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the 3028one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started 3029losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he 3030could stand it no longer. He signed up for bodybuilding courses, karate, judo, 3031and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; 3032what's more, he felt really good about himself. 3033 So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus 3034and said "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the 3035passenger, and screamed, "And why not?" 3036 With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a 3037bus pass." 3038% 3039 One night the captain of a tanker saw a light dead ahead. He 3040directed his signalman to flash a signal to the light which went... 3041 "Change course 10 degrees South." 3042 The reply was quickly flashed back... 3043 "You change course 10 degrees North." 3044 The captain was a little annoyed at this reply and sent a further 3045message..... 3046 "I am a captain. Change course 10 degrees South." 3047 Back came the reply... 3048 "I am an able-seaman. Change course 10 degrees North." 3049 The captain was outraged at this reply and send a message.... 3050"I am a 240,000 tonne tanker. CHANGE course 10 degrees South!" 3051 Back came the reply... 3052 "I am a LIGHTHOUSE. Change course 10 degrees North!!!!" 3053 -- Cruising Helmsman, "On The Right Course" 3054% 3055 One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How enthusiastic 3056is our support for UNIX? 3057 Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many years ago. 3058Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. Ten percent of our 3059VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple language, easy to understand, 3060easy to get started with. It's great for students, great for somewhat casual 3061users, and it's great for interchanging programs between different machines. 3062And so, because of its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have 3063good UNIX on VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s. 3064 It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will run 3065out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and will end 3066up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming. 3067 With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and quickly 3068check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With VMS, no matter 3069what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of documentation -- if 3070you look long enough it's there. That's the difference -- the beauty of UNIX 3071is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS is that it's all there. 3072 -- Ken Olsen, president of DEC, DECWORLD Vol. 8 No. 5, 1984 3073[It's been argued that the beauty of UNIX is the same as the beauty of Ken 3074Olsen's brain. Ed.] 3075% 3076 page 46 3077...a report citing a study by Dr. Thomas C. Chalmers, of the Mount Sinai 3078Medical Center in New York, which compared two groups that were being used 3079to test the theory that ascorbic acid is a cold preventative. "The group 3080on placebo who thought they were on ascorbic acid," says Dr. Chalmers, 3081"had fewer colds than the group on ascorbic acid who thought they were 3082on placebo." 3083 page 56 3084The placebo is proof that there is no real separation between mind and body. 3085Illness is always an interaction between both. It can begin in the mind and 3086affect the body, or it can begin in the body and affect the mind, both of 3087which are served by the same bloodstream. Attempts to treat most mental 3088diseases as though they were completely free of physical causes and attempts 3089to treat most bodily diseases as though the mind were in no way involved must 3090be considered archaic in the light of new evidence about the way the human 3091body functions. 3092 -- Norman Cousins, 3093 "Anatomy of an Illness as Perceived by the Patient" 3094% 3095 Penn's aunts made great apple pies at low prices. No one else in 3096town could compete with the pie rates of Penn's aunts. 3097 During the American Revolution, a Britisher tried to raid a farm. He 3098stumbled across a rock on the ground and fell, whereupon an aggressive Rhode 3099Island Red hopped on top. Seeing this, the farmer commented, "Chicken catch 3100a Tory!" 3101 A wife started serving chopped meat, Monday hamburger, Tuesday meat 3102loaf, Wednesday tartar steak, and Thursday meatballs. On Friday morning her 3103husband snarled, "How now, ground cow?" 3104 A journalist, thrilled over his dinner, asked the chef for the recipe. 3105Retorted the chef, "Sorry, we have the same policy as you journalists, we 3106never reveal our sauce." 3107 A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He 3108kept favoring curry. 3109 A couple of kids tried using pickles instead of paddles for a Ping-Pong 3110game. They had the volley of the Dills. 3111% 3112 People of all sorts of genders are reporting great difficulty, 3113these days, in selecting the proper words to refer to those of the female 3114persuasion. 3115 "Lady," "woman," and "girl" are all perfectly good words, but 3116misapplying them can earn one anything from the charge of vulgarity to a good 3117swift smack. We are messing here with matters of deference, condescension, 3118respect, bigotry, and two vague concepts, age and rank. It is troubling 3119enough to get straight who is really what. Those who deliberately misuse 3120the terms in a misbegotten attempt at flattery are asking for it. 3121 A woman is any grown-up female person. A girl is the un-grown-up 3122version. If you call a wee thing with chubby cheeks and pink hair ribbons a 3123"woman," you will probably not get into trouble, and if you do, you will be 3124able to handle it because she will be under three feet tall. However, if you 3125call a grown-up by a child's name for the sake of implying that she has a 3126youthful body, you are also implying that she has a brain to match. 3127% 3128 "Perhaps he is not honest," Mr. Frostee said inside Cobb's head, 3129sounding a bit worried. 3130 "Of course he isn't," Cobb answered. "What we have to look out for 3131is him calling the cops anyway, or trying to blackmail us for more money." 3132 "I think you should kill him and eat his brain," Mr. Frostee 3133said quickly. 3134 "That's not the answer to *every* problem in interpersonal relations," 3135Cobb said, hopping out. 3136 -- Rudy Rucker, "Software" 3137% 3138 Phases of a Project: 3139(1) Exultation. 3140(2) Disenchantment. 3141(3) Confusion. 3142(4) Search for the Guilty. 3143(5) Punishment for the Innocent. 3144(6) Distinction for the Uninvolved. 3145% 3146 Price Wang's programmer was coding software. His fingers danced upon 3147the keyboard. The program compiled without an error message, and the program 3148ran like a gentle wind. 3149 Excellent!" the Price exclaimed, "Your technique is faultless!" 3150 "Technique?" said the programmer, turning from his terminal, "What I 3151follow is the Tao -- beyond all technique. When I first began to program I 3152would see before me the whole program in one mass. After three years I no 3153longer saw this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing. 3154My whole being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit, 3155free to work without a plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program 3156writes itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them 3157coming, I slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code 3158and the difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the 3159program. I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my 3160eyes for a moment and then log off." 3161 Price Wang said, "Would that all of my programmers were as wise!" 3162 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 3163% 3164 "Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised. "We're back in the 3165universe again..." An unusually long pause followed, "...but I don't 3166know which part. We seem to have changed our position in space." A 3167spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the 3168starfield surrounding the ship. 3169 "Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us," 3170ZORAC announced after a short pause. "The designs are not familiar, but 3171they are obviously the products of intelligence. Implications: we have 3172been intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown, 3173and transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown. 3174Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious." 3175 -- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star" 3176% 3177 Reporters like Bill Greider from the Washington Post and Him 3178Naughton of the New York Times, for instance, had to file long, detailed, 3179and relatively complex stories every day -- while my own deadline fell 3180every two weeks -- but neither of them ever seemed in a hurry about 3181getting their work done, and from time to time they would try to console 3182me about the terrible pressure I always seemed to be laboring under. 3183 Any $100-an-hour psychiatrist could probably explain this problem 3184to me, in thirteen or fourteen sessions, but I don't have time for that. 3185No doubt it has something to do with a deep-seated personality defect, or 3186maybe a kink in whatever blood vessel leads into the pineal gland... On 3187the other hand, it might be something as simple & basically perverse as 3188whatever instinct it is that causes a jackrabbit to wait until the last 3189possible second to dart across the road in front of a speeding car. 3190 -- H.S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail" 3191% 3192 "Richard, in being so fierce toward my vampire, you were doing 3193what you wanted to do, even though you thought it was going to hurt 3194somebody else. He even told you he'd be hurt if..." 3195 "He was going to suck my blood!" 3196 "Which is what we do to anyone when we tell them we'll be hurt 3197if they don't live our way." 3198... 3199 "The thing that puzzles you," he said, "is an accepted saying that 3200happens to be impossible. The phrase is hurt somebody else. We choose, 3201ourselves, to be hurt or not to be hurt, no matter what. Us who decides. 3202Nobody else. My vampire told you he'd be hurt if you didn't let him? That's 3203his decision to be hurt, that's his choice. What you do about it is your 3204decision, your choice: give him blood; ignore him; tie him up; drive a stake 3205through his heart. If he doesn't want the holly stake, he's free to resist, 3206in whatever way he wants. It goes on and on, choices, choices." 3207 "When you look at it that way..." 3208 "Listen," he said, "it's important. We are all. Free. To do. 3209Whatever. We want. To do." 3210 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions" 3211% 3212 Risch's decision procedure for integration, not surprisingly, 3213uses a recursion on the number and type of the extensions from the 3214rational functions needed to represent the integrand. Although the 3215algorithm follows and critically depends upon the appropriate structure 3216of the input, as in the case of multivariate factorization, we cannot 3217claim that the algorithm is a natural one. In fact, the creator of 3218differential algebra, Ritt, committed suicide in the early 1950's, 3219largely, it is claimed, because few paid attention to his work. Probably 3220he would have received more attention had he obtained the algorithm as 3221well. 3222 -- Joel Moses, "Algorithms and Complexity", ed. J.F. Traub 3223% 3224 Robert Kennedy's 1964 Senatorial campaign planners told him that 3225their intention was to present him to the television viewers as a sincere, 3226generous person. "You going to use a double?" asked Kennedy. 3227 3228 Thumbing through a promotional pamphlet prepared for his 1964 3229Senatorial campaign, Robert Kennedy came across a photograph of himself 3230shaking hands with a well-known labor leader. 3231 "There must be a better photo that this," said Kennedy to the 3232advertising men in charge of his campaign. 3233 "What's wrong with this one?" asked one adman. 3234 "That fellow's in jail," said Kennedy. 3235 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits" 3236% 3237 SAFETY 3238I can live without 3239Someone I love 3240But not without 3241Someone I need. 3242% 3243 Sam went to his psychiatrist complaining of a hatred for elephants. 3244"I can't stand elephants," he explained. "I lie awake nights despising 3245them. The thought of an elephant fills me with loathing." 3246 "Sam," said the psychiatrist, "there's only one thing for you to do. 3247Go to Africa, organize a safari, find an elephant in the jungle and shoot it. 3248That way you'll get it out of your system." 3249 Sam immediately made arrangements for a safari hunt in Africa, 3250inviting his best friend to join him. They arrived in Nairobi and lost no 3251time getting out on the jungle trails. After they had been hunting for 3252several days, Sam's best friend grabbed him by the arm one morning and 3253yelled at him: 3254 "Sam, Sam, Sam! Over there behind that tree there's and elephant! 3255Sam -- Get your gun -- no, no, not THAT gun -- the rifle with the longer 3256barrel! Now aim it! QUICK! SAM! QUICK! No! Not that way -- this way! 3257Be sure you don't jerk the trigger! Wait SAM! Don't let him see you! Aim 3258at his head!" 3259 Sam whirled around, took aim, and killed his friend. He was put in 3260prison and his psychiatrist flew to Africa to visit him. "I sent you over 3261here to kill and elephant and instead you shoot your best friend," the 3262psychiatrist said. "Why?" 3263 "Well," Sam replied, "there's only one thing in the world that I 3264hate more than elephants and that is a loudmouth know-it-all!" 3265% 3266 Seems George was playing his usual eighteen holes on Saturday 3267afternoon. Teeing off from the 17th, he sliced into the rough over near 3268the edge of the fairway. Just as he was about to chip out, he noticed a 3269long funeral procession going past on a nearby street. Reverently, George 3270removed his hat and stood at attention until the procession had passed. 3271Then he continued his game, finishing with a birdie on the eighteenth. 3272Later, at the clubhouse, a fellow golfer greet George. "Say, that was a 3273nice gesture you made today, George. 3274 "What do you mean?" asked George. 3275 "Well, it was nice of you to take off your cap and stand 3276respectfully when that funeral went by," the friend replied. 3277 "Oh, yes," said George. "Well, we were married 17 years, you 3278know." 3279% 3280 "Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated thoughtfully. 3281"An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY advice, I'd have 3282said 'Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now." 3283 "I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly. 3284 "Too proud?" the other enquired. 3285 Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean," 3286she said, "that one can't help growing older." 3287 "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With 3288proper assistance, you might have left off at seven." 3289 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking-Glass" 3290% 3291 Several students were asked to prove that all odd integers are prime. 3292 The first student to try to do this was a math student. "Hmmm... 3293Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, and by induction, we have that all 3294the odd integers are prime." 3295 The second student to try was a man of physics who commented, "I'm not 3296sure of the validity of your proof, but I think I'll try to prove it by 3297experiment." He continues, "Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is 3298prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is... uh, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is prime, 13 3299is prime... Well, it seems that you're right." 3300 The third student to try it was the engineering student, who responded, 3301"Well, to be honest, actually, I'm not sure of your answer either. Let's 3302see... 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is... 3303well, if you approximate, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Well, it 3304does seem right." 3305 Not to be outdone, the computer science student comes along and says 3306"Well, you two sort've got the right idea, but you'll end up taking too long! 3307I've just whipped up a program to REALLY go and prove it." He goes over to 3308his terminal and runs his program. Reading the output on the screen he says, 3309"1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime..." 3310% 3311 "Sheriff, we gotta catch Black Bart." 3312 "Oh, yeah? What's he look like?" 3313 "Well, he's wearin' a paper hat, a paper shirt, paper pants and 3314paper boots." 3315 "What's he wanted for?" 3316 "Rustling." 3317% 3318 Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the 3319Vulgate Bible. Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull 3320automatically excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration 3321in the text. This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible. 3322He personally examined every sheet as it came off the press. Yet the 3323published Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps 3324had to be printed and pasted over them in every copy. The result 3325provoked wry comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and 3326Pope Sixtus had no recourse but to order the return and destruction of 3327every copy. 3328% 3329 So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark]. 3330With a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to 3331maneuver the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of 3332corner of the lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to 3333flop up onto the land and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward 3334it, sort of crouched over, when all of a sudden it turned around and -- 3335I can still remember the sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in 3336the armpit area -- headed right straight toward us. 3337 Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and 3338I were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our 3339heads. We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're 3340unarmed and a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water 3341up to your lower calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the 3342opposite direction, using a sprinting style such that the bottoms of 3343our feet never once went below the surface of the water. We ran all 3344the way to the far shore, and if we had been in a Warner Brothers 3345cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach, and you would have seen 3346these two mounds of sand racing across the island until they bonked 3347into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads. 3348 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 3349% 3350 Some 1500 miles west of the Big Apple we find the Minneapple, a 3351haven of tranquility in troubled times. It's a good town, a civilized town. 3352A town where they still know how to get your shirts back by Thursday. Let 3353the Big Apple have the feats of "Broadway Joe" Namath. We have known the 3354stolid but steady Killebrew. Listening to Cole Porter over a dry martini 3355may well suit those unlucky enough never to have heard the Whoopee John Polka 3356Band and never to have shared a pitcher of 3.2 Grain Belt Beer. The loss is 3357theirs. And the Big Apple has yet to bake the bagel that can match peanut 3358butter on lefse. Here is a town where the major urban problem is dutch elm 3359disease and the number one crime is overtime parking. We boast more theater 3360per capita than the Big Apple. We go to see, not to be seen. We go even 3361when we must shovel ten inches of snow from the driveway to get there. Indeed 3362the winters are fierce. But then comes the marvel of the Minneapple summer. 3363People flock to the city's lakes to frolic and rejoice at the sight of so 3364much happy humanity free from the bonds of the traditional down-filled parka. 3365Here's to the Minneapple. And to its people. Our flair for style is balanced 3366by a healthy respect for wind chill factors. 3367 And we always, always eat our vegetables. 3368 This is the Minneapple. 3369% 3370 Something mysterious is formed, born in the silent void. Waiting 3371alone and unmoving, it is at once still and yet in constant motion. It is 3372the source of all programs. I do not know its name, so I will call it the 3373Tao of Programming. 3374 If the Tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the 3375operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler is 3376greater, then the applications is great. The user is pleased and there is 3377harmony in the world. 3378 The Tao of Programming flows far away and returns on the wind of 3379morning. 3380 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 3381% 3382 Somewhat alarmed at the continued growth of the number of employees 3383on the Department of Agriculture payroll in 1962, Michigan Republican Robert 3384Griffin proposed an amendment to the farm bill so that "the total number of 3385employees in the Department of Agriculture at no time exceeds the number of 3386farmers in America." 3387 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits" 3388% 3389 "Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the 3390Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then 3391intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men and 3392women, such as are we all? And thus happily sent forth, at our best, with 3393good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are we not God's 3394Machineries of Joy?" 3395 "If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin." 3396 -- R. Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy" 3397% 3398 Split 1/4 bottle .187 liters 3399 Half 1/2 bottle 3400 Bottle 750 milliliters 3401 Magnum 2 bottles 1.5 liters 3402 Jeroboam 4 bottles 3403 Rehoboam 6 bottles Not available in the US 3404 Methuselah 8 bottles 3405 Salmanazar 12 bottles 3406 Balthazar 16 bottles 3407 Nebuchadnezzar 20 bottles 15 liters 3408 Sovereign 34 bottles 26 liters 3409 3410 The Sovereign is a new bottle, made for the launching of the 3411largest cruise ship in the world. The bottle alone cost 8,000 dollars 3412to produce and they only made 8 of them. 3413 Most of the funny names come from Biblical people. 3414% 3415 Stop! Whoever crosseth the bridge of Death, must answer first 3416these questions three, ere the other side he see! 3417 3418 "What is your name?" 3419 "Sir Brian of Bell." 3420 "What is your quest?" 3421 "I seek the Holy Grail." 3422 "What are four lowercase letters that are not legal flag arguments 3423to the Berkeley UNIX version of `ls'?" 3424 "I, er.... AIIIEEEEEE!" 3425% 3426 Strange memories on this nervous night in Las Vegas. Five years later? 3427Six? It seems like a lifetime, or at least a Main Era -- the kind of peak that 3428never comes again. San Francisco in the middle sixties was a very special time 3429and place to be a part of. Maybe it meant something. Maybe not, in the long 3430run... There was madness in any direction, at any hour. If not across the 3431Bay, then up the Golden Gate or down 101 to Los Altos or La Honda... You could 3432strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we 3433were doing was right, that we were winning... 3434 And that, I think, was the handle -- that sense of inevitable victory 3435over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we didn't 3436need that. Our energy would simply prevail. There was no point in fighting 3437-- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; we were riding the crest 3438of a high and beautiful wave. So now, less than five years later, you can go 3439up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes 3440you can almost see the high-water mark -- that place where the wave finally 3441broke and rolled back. 3442 -- Hunter S. Thompson 3443% 3444 Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content 3445to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good 3446beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up 3447drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a 3448nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves 3449and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!" So Coca-Cola 3450was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw no need to 3451improve ... 3452 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 3453% 3454 "That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a 3455sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar. 3456 "How do you know?" the friend asked. 3457 "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where 3458she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley." 3459 "So?" 3460 "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley." 3461% 3462 "That's right; the upper-case shift works fine on the screen, but 3463they're not coming out on the damn printer... Hold? Sure, I'll hold." 3464 -- e.e. cummings last service call 3465% 3466 "The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff 3467and blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails. 3468You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at 3469night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, 3470you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your 3471honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for 3472it then -- to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is 3473the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be 3474tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning 3475is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn." 3476 -- T.H. White, "The Once and Future King" 3477% 3478 The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can't just 3479say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these 3480primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot, 3481and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal 3482saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think 3483you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same 3484time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of 3485Northern Mali that you may be interested in." 3486 So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic 3487publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest 3488naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason 3489naked, or whatever. But if National Geographic were to publish an 3490article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System 3491Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography. But 3492others would not. And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev. 3493Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked. 3494 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" 3495% 3496 The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time 3497for Miss Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public. 3498 It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance. Miss Manners 3499has been known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a 3500curb, and, in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a 3501foot or two under the dinner table. Miss Manners also believes that the 3502sight of people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand 3503dresses up a city considerably more than the more familiar sight of 3504people shaking umbrellas at one another. What Miss Manners objects to 3505is the kind of activity that frightens the horses on the street... 3506% 3507 The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff 3508in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody but one girl 3509laughed uproariously. "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you 3510got a sense of humor?" 3511 "I don't have to laugh," she said. "I'm leaving Friday anyway. 3512% 3513 The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff: 3514"You claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle 3515in his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?" 3516 "Yes," the man admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course, 3517but not much good in a fight." 3518% 3519 The devout Jew was beside himself because his son had been dating 3520a shiksa, so he went to visit his rabbi. The rabbi listened solemnly to 3521his problem, took his hand, and said, "Pray to God." 3522 So the Jew went to the synagogue, bowed his head, and prayed, "God, 3523please help me. My son, my favorite son, he's going to marry a shiksa, he 3524sees nothing but goyim..." 3525 "Your son," boomed down this voice from the heavens, "you think 3526you got problems. What about my son?" 3527% 3528 The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough 3529physical examination. "The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said, 3530"is give up drinking, give up smoking, get to bed early and stay away 3531from women." 3532 "Doc, I don't deserve the best," pleaded his patient. "What's 3533second best?" 3534% 3535 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES 3536 3537SPECIES: Cranial Males 3538SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis) 3539Courtship & Mating: 3540 Due to extreme deprivation, HOMO COMPUTATIS maintains a near perpetual 3541 state of sexual readiness. Courtship behavior alternates between 3542 awkward shyness and abrupt advances. When he finally mates, he 3543 chooses a female engineer with an unblinking stare, a tight mouth, and 3544 a complete collection of Campbell's soup-can recipes. 3545Track: 3546 Trash cans full of pale green and white perforated paper and old 3547 copies of the Allen-Bradley catalog. 3548Comments: 3549 Extremely fond of bad puns and jokes that need long explanations. 3550% 3551 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES 3552 3553SPECIES: Cranial Males 3554SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis) 3555Description: 3556 Gangly and frail, the hacker has a high forehead and thinning hair. 3557 Head disproportionately large and crooked forward, complexion wan and 3558 sightly gray from CRT illumination. He has heavy black-rimmed glasses 3559 and a look of intense concentration, which may be due to a software 3560 problem or to a pork-and-bean breakfast. 3561Feathering: 3562 HOMO COMPUTATIS saw a Brylcreem ad fifteen years ago and believed it. 3563 Consequently, crest is greased down, except for the cowlick. 3564Song: 3565 A rather plaintive "Is it up?" 3566% 3567 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES 3568 3569SPECIES: Cranial Males 3570SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis) 3571Plumage: 3572 All clothes have a slightly crumpled look as though they came off the 3573 top of the laundry basket. Style varies with status. Hacker managers 3574 wear gray polyester slacks, pink or pastel shirts with wide collars, 3575 and paisley ties; staff wears cinched-up baggy corduroy pants, white 3576 or blue shirts with button-down collars, and penholder in pocket. 3577 Both managers and staff wear running shoes to work, and a black 3578 plastic digital watch with calculator. 3579% 3580 The foreman of a lumber camp put a new workman on the circular saw. 3581As he turned away, he heard the man say, "Ouch!". 3582 "What happened?" 3583 "Dunno," replied the man. "I just stuck out my hand like this, and 3584-- well, I'll be damned. There goes another one!" 3585% 3586 The General disliked trying to explain the highly technical 3587inner workings of the U.S. Air Force. 3588 "$7,662 for a ten cup coffee maker, General?" the Senator asked. 3589 In his head he ran through his standard explanations. "It's not so," 3590he thought. "It's a deterrent." Soon he came up with, "It's computerized, 3591Senator. Tiny computer chips make coffee that's smooth and full-bodied. Try 3592a cup." 3593 The Senator did. "Pfffttt! Tastes like jet fuel!" 3594 "It's not so," the General thought. "It's a deterrent." 3595 Then he remembered something. "We bought a lot of untested computer 3596chips," the General answered. "They got into everything. Just a little 3597mix-up. Nothing serious." 3598 Then he remembered something else. It was at the site of the 3599mysterious B-1 crash. A strange smell in the fuel lines. It smelled like 3600coffee. Smooth and full bodied... 3601 -- Another Episode of General's Hospital 3602% 3603 The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of 3604the center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South 3605Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South 3606End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End. 3607% 3608 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on 3609the subject of towels. 3610 Most importantly, a towel has immense psychological value. For 3611some reason, if a non-hitchhiker discovers that a hitchhiker has his towel 3612with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a 3613toothbrush, washcloth, flask, gnat spray, space suit, etc., etc. Furthermore, 3614the non-hitchhiker will then happily lend the hitchhiker any of these or 3615a dozen other items that he may have "lost". After all, any man who can 3616hitch the length and breadth of the Galaxy, struggle against terrible odds, 3617win through and still know where his towel is, is clearly a man to be 3618reckoned with. 3619% 3620 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on 3621the subject of towels. 3622 A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an 3623interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value. 3624You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons 3625of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches 3626of Santraginus V ... use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River 3627Moth; wave your towel in emergencies, and, of course, dry yourself off 3628with it if it still seems to be clean enough. 3629% 3630 The honeymooning couple agreed it was a fine day for horseback riding. 3631After a mile or so, the bride's mount cantered under a low tree and a 3632branch scraped her forehead lightly. The groom dismounted, glared at his 3633wife's horse, and said, "That's number one." 3634 The ride then proceeded. After another mile or so, the bride's 3635horse stumbled over a pebble and the lady suffered a slight jostling. 3636Again, her man leapt from his saddle and strode over to the nervous animal. 3637"That's two," he said. 3638 Five miles later, the bride's horse became frightened when a rabbit 3639crossed its path, reared up and threw the girl. Immediately, the groom was 3640off his horse. "That's three!", he shouted, and, pulling out a pistol, he 3641shot the horse between the eyes. 3642 "You brute!" shrieked his bride. "Now I see the kind of man I 3643married! You're a sadist, that's what!" 3644 The groom turned to her coolly. "That's one," he said. 3645% 3646 The Lord and I are in a sheep-shepherd relationship, and I am in 3647a position of negative need. 3648 He prostrates me in a green-belt grazing area. 3649 He conducts me directionally parallel to non-torrential aqueous 3650liquid. 3651 He returns to original satisfaction levels my psychological makeup. 3652 He switches me on to a positive behavioral format for maximal 3653prestige of His identity. 3654 It should indeed be said that notwithstanding the fact that I make 3655ambulatory progress through the umbragious inter-hill mortality slot, terror 3656sensations will no be initiated in me, due to para-etical phenomena. 3657 Your pastoral walking aid and quadrupic pickup unit introduce me 3658into a pleasurific mood state. 3659 You design and produce a nutriment-bearing furniture-type structure 3660in the context of non-cooperative elements. 3661 You act out a head-related folk ritual employing vegetable extract. 3662 My beverage utensil experiences a volume crisis. 3663 It is an ongoing deductible fact that your inter-relational 3664empathetical and non-ventious capabilities will retain me as their 3665target-focus for the duration of my non-death period, and I will possess 3666tenant rights in the housing unit of the Lord on a permanent, open-ended 3667time basis. 3668% 3669 The Magician of the Ivory Tower brought his latest invention for the 3670master programmer to examine. The magician wheeled a large black box into the 3671master's office while the master waited in silence. 3672 "This is an integrated, distributed, general-purpose workstation," 3673began the magician, "ergonomically designed with a proprietary operating 3674system, sixth generation languages, and multiple state of the art user 3675interfaces. It took my assistants several hundred man years to construct. 3676Is it not amazing?" 3677 The master raised his eyebrows slightly. "It is indeed amazing," he 3678said. 3679 "Corporate Headquarters has commanded," continued the magician, "that 3680everyone use this workstation as a platform for new programs. Do you agree 3681to this?" 3682 "Certainly," replied the master, "I will have it transported to the 3683data center immediately!" And the magician returned to his tower, well 3684pleased. 3685 Several days later, a novice wandered into the office of the master 3686programmer and said, "I cannot find the listing for my new program. Do 3687you know where it might be?" 3688 "Yes," replied the master, "the listings are stacked on the platform 3689in the data center." 3690 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 3691% 3692 The Martian landed his saucer in Manhattan, and immediately upon 3693emerging was approached by a panhandler. "Mister," said the man, "can I 3694have a quarter?" 3695 The Martian asked, "What's a quarter?" 3696 The panhandler thought a minute, brightened, then said, "You're 3697right! Can I have a dollar?" 3698% 3699 The master programmer moves from program to program without fear. No 3700change in management can harm him. He will not be fired, even if the project 3701is canceled. Why is this? He is filled with the Tao. 3702 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 3703% 3704 The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider requiring all 3705students to do some "volunteer work" as a prerequisite to high school gradu- 3706ation. 3707 Senator Orrin Hatch said that "capital punishment is our society's 3708recognition of the sanctity of human life." 3709 3710 According to the tax bill signed by President Reagan on December 22, 37111987, Don Tyson and his sister-in-law Barbara run a "family farm." Their 3712"farm" has 25,000 employees and grosses $1.7 billion a year. But as a "family 3713farm" they get tax breaks that save them $135 million a year. 3714 3715 Scott L. Pickard, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of 3716Public Works, calls them "ground-mounted confirmatory route markers." You 3717probably call them road signs, but then you don't work in a government agency. 3718 3719 It's not "elderly" or "senior citizens" anymore. Now it's "chrono- 3720logically experienced citizens." 3721 3722 According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn't break off, it was 3723just a case of "uncontained blade liberation." 3724 -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE) 3725% 3726 "...The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!" 3727 "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to 3728feel interested. 3729 "No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little 3730vexed. "That's what the name is called. The name really is, 'The Aged 3731Aged Man.'" 3732 "Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?" 3733Alice corrected herself. 3734 "No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is 3735called 'Ways and Means': but that's only what it is called you know!" 3736 "Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this 3737time completely bewildered. 3738 "I was coming to that," the Knight said. "The song really is 3739"A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention." 3740 --Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" 3741% 3742 The only real game in the world, I think, is baseball... 3743You've got to start way down, at the bottom, when you're six or seven years 3744old. You can't wait until you're fifteen or sixteen. You've got to let it 3745grow up with you, and if you're successful and you try hard enough, you're 3746bound to come out on top, just like these boys have come to the top now. 3747 -- Babe Ruth, in his 1948 farewell speech at Yankee Stadium 3748% 3749 The Priest's grey nimbus in a niche where he dressed discreetly. 3750I will not sleep here tonight. Home also I cannot go. 3751 A voice, sweetened and sustained, called to him from the sea. 3752Turning the curve he waved his hand. A sleek brown head, a seal's, far 3753out on the water, round. Usurper. 3754 -- James Joyce, "Ulysses" 3755% 3756 The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to 3757get results. 3758 The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy 3759problems in order to get results 3760 The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at 3761toy problems in order to get results. 3762% 3763 The programmers of old were mysterious and profound. We cannot fathom 3764their thoughts, so all we do is describe their appearance. 3765 Aware, like a fox crossing the water. Alert, like a general on the 3766battlefield. Kind, like a hostess greeting her guests. Simple, like uncarved 3767blocks of wood. Opaque, like black pools in darkened caves. 3768 Who can tell the secrets of their hearts and minds? 3769 The answer exists only in the Tao. 3770 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 3771% 3772 The salesman and the system analyst took off to spend a weekend in the 3773forest, hunting bear. They'd rented a cabin, and, when they got there, took 3774their backpacks off and put them inside. At which point the salesman turned 3775to his friend, and said, "You unpack while I go and find us a bear." 3776 Puzzled, the analyst finished unpacking and then went and sat down 3777on the porch. Soon he could hear rustling noises in the forest. The noises 3778got nearer -- and louder -- and suddenly there was the salesman, running like 3779hell across the clearing toward the cabin, pursued by one of the largest and 3780most ferocious grizzly bears the analyst had ever seen. 3781 "Open the door!", screamed the salesman. 3782 The analyst whipped open the door, and the salesman ran to the door, 3783suddenly stopped, and stepped aside. The bear, unable to stop, continued 3784through the door and into the cabin. The salesman slammed the door closed 3785and grinned at his friend. "Got him!", he exclaimed, "now, you skin this 3786one and I'll go rustle us up another!" 3787% 3788 The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average 3789Russian's readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement 3790of some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet 3791reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led the 3792field for many years in both chess and ax murders. It is well known that as 3793early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at Reykjavik would do to 3794national prestige, implemented a vigorous program of preparation and 3795incentive. Every day for an entire year, a team of psychologists, chess 3796analysts and coaches met with the top three Russian grand masters and 3797threatened them with a pointy stick. That these tactics proved fruitless 3798is now a part of chess history and a further testament to the American way, 3799which provides that if you want something badly enough, you can always go to 3800Iceland and get it from the Russians. 3801 -- Marshall Brickman, "Playboy" 3802% 3803 The Tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth 3804to the assembler. 3805 The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand 3806languages. 3807 Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language 3808expresses the Yin and Yang of software. Each language has its place within 3809the Tao. 3810 But do not program in COBOL if you can avoid it. 3811 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 3812% 3813 The way my jeweler explained it, it's like insurance. 3814 Six months' pay isn't much to keep my wife from sleeping around. 3815 3816A diamond -- pure, sparkling, natural, flawless, forever. The way marriage 3817should be but never quite is. People grow and change and sometimes want to 3818take their clothes off with strangers. So when you invest in a fine piece 3819of diamond jewelry, you're not only making an investment, you're making a 3820statement. You're telling the woman you love that you've just spent a lot 3821of your hard-earned money on her. Now she owes you the kind of loyalty that 3822only precious jewelry can buy. Isn't she worth it? 3823 3824 The Honeymoon's Over: from $ 5000 3825 The Seven Year Itch: from $10000 3826 No More Lunchtime Quickies: from $15000 3827 Divorce Would Be More Expensive: from $42000 3828 3829 A diamond is for leverage. BeDears 3830% 3831 The wise programmer is told about the Tao and follows it. The average 3832programmer is told about the Tao and searches for it. The foolish programmer 3833is told about the Tao and laughs at it. If it were not for laughter, there 3834would be no Tao. 3835 The highest sounds are the hardest to hear. Going forward is a way to 3836retreat. Greater talent shows itself late in life. Even a perfect program 3837still has bugs. 3838 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 3839% 3840 THE WOMBAT 3841 3842The wombat lives across the seas, 3843Among the far Antipodes. 3844He may exist on nuts and berries, 3845Or then again, on missionaries; 3846His distant habitat precludes 3847Conclusive knowledge of his moods. 3848But I would not engage the wombat 3849In any form of mortal combat. 3850% 3851 The world's most avid baseball fan (an Aggie) had arrived at the 3852stadium for the first game of the World Series only to realize he had left 3853his ticket at home. Not wanting to miss any of the first inning, he went 3854to the ticket booth and got in a long line for another seat. After an hour's 3855wait he was just a few feet from the booth when a voice called out, "Hey, 3856Dave!" The Aggie looked up, stepped out of line and tried to find the owner 3857of the voice -- with no success. Then he realized he had lost his place in 3858line and had to wait all over again. When the fan finally bought his ticket, 3859he was thirsty, so he went to buy a drink. The line at the concession stand 3860was long, too, but since the game hadn't started he decided to wait. Just as 3861he got to the window, a voice called out, "Hey, Dave!" Again the Aggie tried 3862to find the voice -- but no luck. He was very upset as he got back in line 3863for his drink. Finally the fan went to his seat, eager for the game to begin. 3864As he waited for the pitch, he heard the voice calling, "Hey Dave!" once more. 3865Furious, he stood up and yelled at the top of his lungs, "My name is not 3866Dave!" 3867% 3868 Them Toad Suckers 3869 3870How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods? 3871Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs! 3872 3873Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers, 3874Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers. 3875 3876Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy? 3877Suckin' them bog frogs sure makes 'em happy! 3878 3879Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south, 3880Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth! 3881 3882How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it, 3883Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it! 3884 -- Mason Williams 3885% 3886 Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations. 3887 3888 He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the 3889Jordan, then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an 3890open market. 3891 3892 If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he 3893should not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of 3894himself. 3895 3896 Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree. 3897 Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg. 3898 Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower. 3899 -- Kehlog Albran 3900% 3901 Then there's the atmosphere -- half the time you can eat the air, 3902it's got so much stuff floating around in it. It takes the edge out of 3903the colors. Down here even the traffic lights are pastel. And people! 3904With a lot of these folks you'd have to check their green cards just to 3905make sure that they are Earthlings. Then there's the police. In Portland, 3906when some guy goes bananas, the cops rope off a sixteen block area around 3907him and call a shrink from the medical school who stands atop a patrol car 3908with a megaphone and shouts, "OK! THIS! ALL! STARTED! WHEN! YOU! WERE! 3909THREE! YEARS! OLD! ON! ACCOUNT! OF! YOUR MOTHER! RIGHT? SO! LET'S! 3910TALK! ABOUT! IT!" Down here they don't waste that kind of time. The LAPD 3911has SWAT teams composed of guys who make Darth Vader look like Mr. Peepers. 3912Before they go to bust a bookie joint they mortar it first. 3913 -- M. Christensen, "A Portland Innocent in LA" 3914% 3915 Then there's the story of the man who avoided reality for 70 years 3916with drugs, sex, alcohol, fantasy, TV, movies, records, a hobby, lots of 3917sleep... And on his 80th birthday died without ever having faced any of 3918his real problems. 3919 The man's younger brother, who had been facing reality and all his 3920problems for 50 years with psychiatrists, nervous breakdowns, tics, tension, 3921headaches, worry, anxiety and ulcers, was so angry at his brother for having 3922gotten away scott free that he had a paralyzing stroke. 3923 The moral to this story is that there ain't no justice that we can 3924stand to live with. 3925 -- R. Geis 3926% 3927 "Then what is magic for?" Prince Lir demanded wildly. "What use is 3928wizardry if it cannot save a unicorn?" He gripped the magician's shoulder 3929hard, to keep from falling. 3930 Schmendrick did not turn his head. With a touch of sad mockery in 3931his voice, he said, "That's what heroes are for." 3932... 3933 "Yes, of course," he [Prince Lir] said. "That is exactly what heroes 3934are for. Wizards make no difference, so they say that nothing does, but 3935heroes are meant to die for unicorns." 3936 -- P. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn" 3937% 3938 There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that 3939someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named 3940Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or 3941Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that 3942every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is 3943this? 3944 Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for 3945centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think you 3946can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's 3947forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster 3948-- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't 3949even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover 3950why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance. 3951 -- Arthur Naiman 3952% 3953 There once was a man who went to a computer trade show. Each day as 3954he entered, the man told the guard at the door: 3955 "I am a great thief, renowned for my feats of shoplifting. Be 3956forewarned, for this trade show shall not escape unplundered." 3957 This speech disturbed the guard greatly, because there were millions 3958of dollars of computer equipment inside, so he watched the man carefully. 3959But the man merely wandered from booth to booth, humming quietly to himself. 3960 When the man left, the guard took him aside and searched his clothes, 3961but nothing was to be found. 3962 On the next day of the trade show, the man returned and chided the 3963guard saying: "I escaped with a vast booty yesterday, but today will be even 3964better." So the guard watched him ever more closely, but to no avail. 3965 On the final day of the trade show, the guard could restrain his 3966curiosity no longer. "Sir Thief," he said, "I am so perplexed, I cannot live 3967in peace. Please enlighten me. What is it that you are stealing?" 3968 The man smiled. "I am stealing ideas," he said. 3969 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 3970% 3971 There once was a master programmer who wrote unstructured programs. 3972A novice programmer, seeking to imitate him, also began to write unstructured 3973programs. When the novice asked the master to evaluate his progress, the 3974master criticized him for writing unstructured programs, saying: "What is 3975appropriate for the master is not appropriate for the novice. You must 3976understand the Tao before transcending structure." 3977 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 3978% 3979 There once was this swami who lived above a delicatessan. Seems one 3980day he decided to stop in downstairs for some fresh liver. Well, the owner 3981of the deli was a bit of a cheap-skate, and decided to pick up a little extra 3982change at his customer's expense. Turning quietly to the counterman, he 3983whispered, "Weigh down upon the swami's liver!" 3984% 3985 There was a college student trying to earn some pocket money by 3986going from house to house offering to do odd jobs. He explained this to 3987a man who answered one door. 3988 "How much will you charge to paint my porch?" asked the man. 3989 "Forty dollars." 3990 "Fine" said the man, and gave the student the paint and brushes. 3991 Three hours later the paint-splattered lad knocked on the door again. 3992"All done!", he says, and collects his money. "By the way," the student says, 3993"That's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari." 3994% 3995 There was a knock on the door. Mrs. Miffin opened it. "Are 3996you the Widow Miffin?" a small boy asked. 3997 "I'm Mrs. Miffin," she replied, "but I'm not a widow." 3998 "Oh, no?" replied the little boy. "Wait 'til you see what 3999they're carrying upstairs!" 4000% 4001 There was a mad scientist (a mad... social... scientist) who kidnapped 4002three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked 4003each of them in separate cells with plenty of canned food and water but no 4004can opener. 4005 A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's 4006cell and found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can opener from 4007pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make an explosive, 4008and escaped. 4009 The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids 4010off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a good 4011pitching arm and a new quantum theory. 4012 The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising 4013solution to the kissing problem; his desiccated corpse was propped calmly 4014against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor: 4015 Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die. 4016 Proof: assume the opposite... 4017% 4018 There was once a programmer who was attached to the court of the 4019warlord of Wu. The warlord asked the programmer: "Which is easier to design: 4020an accounting package or an operating system?" 4021 "An operating system," replied the programmer. 4022 The warlord uttered an exclamation of disbelief. "Surely an 4023accounting package is trivial next to the complexity of an operating 4024system," he said. 4025 "Not so," said the programmer, "when designing an accounting package, 4026the programmer operates as a mediator between people having different ideas: 4027how it must operate, how its reports must appear, and how it must conform to 4028the tax laws. By contrast, an operating system is not limited my outside 4029appearances. When designing an operating system, the programmer seeks the 4030simplest harmony between machine and ideas. This is why an operating system 4031is easier to design." 4032 The warlord of Wu nodded and smiled. "That is all good and well, but 4033which is easier to debug?" 4034 The programmer made no reply. 4035 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 4036% 4037 There was once a programmer who was attached to the court of the 4038warlord Wu. The warlord asked the programmer: "Which is easier to design: 4039an accounting package or an operating system?" 4040 "An operating system," replied the programmer. 4041 The warlord uttered an exclamation of disbelief. "Surely an 4042accounting package is trivial next to the complexity of an operating 4043system," he said. 4044 "Not so," said the programmer, "when designing an accounting package, 4045the programmer operates as a mediator between people having different ideas: 4046how it must operate, how its reports must appear, and how it must conform to 4047tax laws. By contrast, an operating system is not limited by outward 4048appearances. When designing an operating system, the programmer seeks the 4049simplest harmony between machine and ideas. This is why an operating system 4050is easier to design." 4051 The warlord of Wu nodded and smiled. "That is all good and well," 4052he said, "but which is easier to debug?" 4053 The programmer made no reply. 4054 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 4055% 4056 There was once a programmer who worked upon microprocessors. "Look at 4057how well off I am here," he said to a mainframe programmer who came to visit, 4058"I have my own operating system and file storage device. I do not have to 4059share my resources with anyone. The software is self-consistent and 4060easy-to-use. Why do you not quit your present job and join me here?" 4061 The mainframe programmer then began to describe his system to his 4062friend, saying: "The mainframe sits like an ancient sage meditating in the 4063midst of the data center. Its disk drives lie end-to-end like a great ocean 4064of machinery. The software is a multi-faceted as a diamond and as convoluted 4065as a primeval jungle. The programs, each unique, move through the system 4066like a swift-flowing river. That is why I am happy where I am." 4067 The microcomputer programmer, upon hearing this, fell silent. But the 4068two programmers remained friends until the end of their days. 4069 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 4070% 4071 They are fools that think that wealth or women or strong drink or even 4072drugs can buy the most in effort out of the soul of a man. These things offer 4073pale pleasures compared to that which is greatest of them all, that task which 4074demands from him more than his utmost strength, that absorbs him, bone and 4075sinew and brain and hope and fear and dreams -- and still calls for more. 4076 They are fools that think otherwise. No great effort was ever bought. 4077No painting, no music, no poem, no cathedral in stone, no church, no state was 4078ever raised into being for payment of any kind. No parthenon, no Thermopylae 4079was ever built or fought for pay or glory; no Bukhara sacked, or China ground 4080beneath Mongol heel, for loot or power alone. The payment for doing these 4081things was itself the doing of them. 4082 To wield onself -- to use oneself as a tool in one's own hand -- and 4083so to make or break that which no one else can build or ruin -- THAT is the 4084greatest pleasure known to man! To one who has felt the chisel in his hand 4085and set free the angel prisoned in the marble block, or to one who has felt 4086sword in hand and set homeless the soul that a moment before lived in the body 4087of his mortal enemy -- to those both come alike the taste of that rare food 4088spread only for demons or for gods." 4089 -- Gordon R. Dickson, "Soldier Ask Not" 4090% 4091 "They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their 4092parents will be happy to see them. I mean, really, can you imagine someone 4093being happy to see an orphan? Nobody wants them... that's why they're orphans!" 4094 The speaker is Anne Baker, founder and guiding force behind 4095Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the 4096whereabouts of their natural parents. She is a woman with a mission: 4097 "Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information 4098about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the 4099country. We're completely computerized. 4100 "The idea is to throw the orphans as many red herrings and false 4101leads as possible. We'll tell some twenty-three-year-old loser that his 4102real parents can be found at a certain address on the other side of the 4103country. Well, by the time the kid shows up, the family is prepared. They 4104look over the kid's photos and information and they say, 'Oh, the Emersons... 4105yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago. 4106I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.' 4107 "Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again. 4108He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue. 4109 "It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with. Last year 4110we even sent one kid all the way to Australia. I mean, really. Besides, if 4111your natural parents were Australian, would you want to meet them?" 4112 -- "National Lampoon", September, 1984 4113% 4114 This is where the bloodthirsty license agreement is supposed to go, 4115explaining that Interactive Easyflow is a copyrighted package licensed for 4116use by a single person, and sternly warning you not to pirate copies of it 4117and explaining, in detail, the gory consequences if you do. 4118 We know that you are an honest person, and are not going to go around 4119pirating copies of Interactive Easyflow; this is just as well with us since 4120we worked hard to perfect it and selling copies of it is our only method of 4121making anything out of all the hard work. 4122 If, on the other hand, you are one of those few people who do go 4123around pirating copies of software you probably aren't going to pay much 4124attention to a license agreement, bloodthirsty or not. Just keep your doors 4125locked and look out for the HavenTree attack shark. 4126 -- License Agreement for Interactive Easyflow 4127% 4128 Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire rainbow of 4129legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better than he does. 4130 As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about it. I 4131am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily sane. But we 4132will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we consider his exterior 4133a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is being eaten alive by tinhorn 4134politicians. 4135 The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can do 4136for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his honor. 4137From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can be as easily 4138led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public relations, to joy as to 4139bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter Thompson's disease. I don't 4140have it this morning. It comes and goes. This morning I don't have Hunter 4141Thompson's disease. 4142 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt 4143 from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear and 4144 Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72" 4145% 4146 To A Quick Young Fox 4147Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp, 4148Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice? 4149Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp-- 4150Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice. 4151 -- Lazy Dog 4152% 4153 To lose weight, eat less; to gain weight, eat more; if you merely 4154wish to maintain, do whatever you were doing. 4155 The Bronx diet is a legitimate system of food therapy showing that 4156food SHOULD be used a crutch and which food could be the most effective in 4157promoting spiritual and emotional satisfaction. For the first time, an 4158eater could instantly grasp the connection between relieving depression and 4159Mallomars, and understand why a lover's quarrel isn't so bad if there's a 4160pint of ice cream nearby. 4161 -- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet" 4162% 4163 Two men looked out from the prison bars, 4164 One saw mud-- 4165 The other saw stars. 4166 4167Now let me get this right: two prisoners are looking out the window. 4168While one of them was looking at all the mud -- the other one got hit 4169in the head. 4170% 4171 Two parent drops spent months teaching their son how to be part of the 4172ocean. After months of training, the father drop commented to the mother drop, 4173"We've taught our boy everything we know, he's fit to be tide." 4174 After Snow White used a couple rolls of film taking pictures of the 4175seven dwarfs, she mailed the roll to be developed. Later she was heard to 4176sing, "Some day my prints will come." 4177 A boy spent years collecting postage stamps. The girl next door bought 4178an album too, and started her own collection. "Dad, she buys everything I've 4179bought, and it's taken all the fun out of it for me. I'm quitting." Don't, 4180son, remember, 'Imitation is the sincerest form of philately.'" 4181 A young girl, Carmen Cohen, was called by her last name by her father, 4182and her first name by her mother. By the time she was ten, didn't know if she 4183was Carmen or Cohen. 4184 Against his wishes, a math teacher's classroom was remodeled. Ever 4185since, he's been talking about the good old dais. His students planted a small 4186orchard in his honor, the trees all have square roots. 4187% 4188 "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past year 4189strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley reap 4190crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their artichoke hearts. 4191There has been a hot day in December and a blue moon. Calendars are made with 4192a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon Holstein bore alive two insurance 4193salesmen. The earth splits and the entrails of a goat were found tied in 4194square knots. The face of the sun blackens and the skies have rained down 4195soggy potato chips." 4196 "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito. 4197 "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug, 4198"but I thought it made good copy." 4199 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 4200% 4201 Vice-President Hubert Humphrey's loquacity is legendary, and Barry 4202Goldwater notes that "Hubert has been clocked at 275 words a minute with gusts 4203up to 340." 4204 4205 On the campaign trail during 1964, Republican nominee Barry Goldwater 4206stated, "The immediate task before us is to cut the Federal Government down 4207to size... we must take Lyndon's credit card away from him." 4208 4209 A favorite 1964 campaign stunt of Barry Goldwater's was to poke a 4210finger through a pair of lensless blackrimmed glasses, saying, "These glasses 4211are just like [Lyndon Johnson's] programs. They look good but they don't 4212work." 4213 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits" 4214% 4215 WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL: 4216 4217Firings will continue until morale improves. 4218% 4219 We don't claim Interactive EasyFlow is good for anything -- if you 4220think it is, great, but it's up to you to decide. If Interactive EasyFlow 4221doesn't work: tough. If you lose a million because Interactive EasyFlow 4222messes up, it's you that's out the million, not us. If you don't like this 4223disclaimer: tough. We reserve the right to do the absolute minimum provided 4224by law, up to and including nothing. 4225 This is basically the same disclaimer that comes with all software 4226packages, but ours is in plain English and theirs is in legalese. 4227 We didn't really want to include any disclaimer at all, but our 4228lawyers insisted. We tried to ignore them but they threatened us with the 4229attack shark at which point we relented. 4230 -- Haven Tree Software Limited, "Interactive EasyFlow" 4231% 4232 "We friends, yes?" The shoe shine boy put on his hustling smile 4233and looked into the Sailor's dead, cold, undersea eyes, eyes without a 4234trace of warmth or lust or hate or any feeling the boy had experienced 4235in himself or seen in another, at once cold and intense, impersonal and 4236predatory. 4237 The Sailor leaned forward and put a finger on the boy's inner arm 4238at the elbow. He spoke in his dead junky whisper. "With veins like that, 4239Kid, I'd have myself a time!" 4240 -- William Burroughs 4241% 4242 We have some absolutely irrefutable statistics to show exactly why 4243you are so tired. 4244 There are not as many people actually working as you may have thought. 4245 The population of this country is 200 million. 84 million are over 424660 years of age, which leaves 116 million to do the work. People under 20 4247years of age total 75 million, which leaves 41 million to do the work. 4248 There are 22 million who are employed by the government, which leaves 424919 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Services, which 4250leaves 15 million to do the work. Deduct 14,800,000, the number in the state 4251and city offices, leaving 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in 4252hospitals, insane asylums, etc., so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. 4253 Now it may interest you to know that there are 11,998 people in jail, 4254so that leaves just 2 people to carry the load. That is you and me, and 4255brother, I'm getting tired of doing everything myself! 4256% 4257 "Welcome back for you 13th consecutive week, Evelyn. Evelyn, will 4258you go into the auto-suggestion booth and take your regular place on the 4259psycho-prompter couch?" 4260 "Thank you, Red." 4261 "Now, Evelyn, last week you went up to $40,000 by properly citing 4262your rivalry with your sibling as a compulsive sado-masochistic behavior 4263pattern which developed out of an early post-natal feeding problem." 4264 "Yes, Red." 4265 "But -- later, when asked about pre-adolescent oedipal phantasy 4266repressions, you rationalized twice and mental blocked three times. Now, 4267at $300 per rationalization and $500 per mental block you lost $2,100 off 4268your $40,000 leaving you with a total of $37,900. Now, any combination of 4269two more mental blocks and either one rationalization or three defensive 4270projections will put you out of the game. Are you willing to go ahead?" 4271 "Yes, Red." 4272 "I might say here that all of Evelyn's questions and answers have 4273been checked for accuracy with her analyst. Now, Evelyn, for $80,000 4274explain the failure of your three marriages." 4275 "Well, I--" 4276 "We'll get back to Evelyn in one minute. First a word about our 4277product." 4278 -- Jules Feiffer 4279% 4280 Well, he thought, since neither Aristotelian Logic nor the disciplines 4281of Science seemed to offer much hope, it's time to go beyond them... 4282 Drawing a few deep even breaths, he entered a mental state practiced 4283only by Masters of the Universal Way of Zen. In it his mind floated freely, 4284able to rummage at will among the bits and pieces of data he had absorbed, 4285undistracted by any outside disturbances. Logical structures no longer 4286inhibited him. Pre-conceptions, prejudices, ordinary human standards vanished. 4287All things, those previously trivial as well as those once thought important, 4288became absolutely equal by acquiring an absolute value, revealing relationships 4289not evident to ordinary vision. Like beads strung on a string of their own 4290meaning, each thing pointed to its own common ground of existence, shared by 4291all. Finally, each began to melt into each, staying itself while becoming 4292all others. And Mind no longer contemplated Problem, but became Problem, 4293destroying Subject-Object by becoming them. 4294 Time passed, unheeded. 4295 Eventually, there was a tentative stirring, then a decisive one, and 4296Nakamura arose, a smile on his face and the light of laughter in his eyes. 4297 -- Wayfarer 4298% 4299 "Well, it's a little rough... it might not be necessary to drag him 40 4300blocks. Maybe just four. You could put him in the trunk for the first 36 4301blocks, then haul him out and drag him the last four; that would certainly 4302scare the piss out of him, bumping alone the street, feeling all his skin being 4303ripped off..." 4304 "He'd be a bloody mess. They might think he was just some drunk and 4305let him lie there all night." 4306 "Don't worry about that. They have a guard station in front of the 4307White House that's open 24 hours a day. The guards would recognize Colson... 4308and by that time of course his wife would have called the cops and reported 4309that a bunch of thugs had kidnapped him." 4310 "Wouldn't it be a little kinder if you drove about four more blocks 4311and stopped at a phone box to ring the hospital and say, 'Would you mind going 4312around to the front of the White House? There's a naked man lying outside 4313in the street, bleeding to death...'" 4314 "... and we think it's Mr. Colson." 4315 "It would be quite a story for the newspapers, wouldn't it?" 4316 "Yeah, I think it's safe to say we'd see some headlines on that one." 4317 -- H. Thompson, talking to R. Steadman on C. Colson, 4318 ex-Marine captain, now born again, of Watergate fame. 4319% 4320 "Well, it's garish, ugly, and derelicts have used it for a toilet. 4321The rides are dilapidated to the point of being lethal, and could easily 4322maim or kill innocent little children." 4323 "Oh, so you don't like it?" 4324 "Don't like it? I'm CRAZY for it." 4325 -- The Killing Joke 4326% 4327 "Well," said Programmer, "the customary procedure in such cases is 4328as follows." 4329 "What does Crustimoney Proseedcake mean?" said End-user. "For I am 4330an End-user of Very Little Brain, and long words bother me." 4331 "It means the Thing to Do." 4332 "As long as it means that, I don't mind," said End-user humbly. 4333% 4334 Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt 4335great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just felt so 4336good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS THE 4337MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" 4338 The poor, quaking, little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one 4339is mightier than you." 4340 A little while later the tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out: 4341"WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" 4342 The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to 4343stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle." 4344 The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was 4345quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS 4346THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?" 4347 Well, the elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams 4348him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of 4349orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree. The 4350tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and whispers: "Man, you 4351don't have to get so pissed, just 'cause you don't know the answer." 4352% 4353 "We're running out of adjectives to describe our situation. We 4354had crisis, then we went into chaos, and now what do we call this?" said 4355Nicaraguan economist Francisco Mayorga, who holds a doctorate from Yale. 4356 -- The Washington Post, February, 1988 4357 4358The New Yorker's comment: 4359 At Harvard they'd call it a noun. 4360% 4361 "We've decided to have the budgie put down." 4362 "Oh, is he very old then?" 4363 "No, we just don't like him." 4364 "Oh. How do they put budgies down anyway?" 4365 "Well, it's funny you should be asking that, as I've been reading a 4366great big book called `How to put your budgie down'. And as I understand it, 4367you can either hit them over the head with the book, or shoot them there, just 4368above the beak." 4369 "Mrs. Conkers flushed hers down the loo." 4370 "Oh, you don't want to do that, because they breed in the sewers and 4371pretty soon you get huge evil smelling flocks of soiled budgies flying out 4372of peoples lavatories infringing their personal freedoms." 4373 -- Monty Python 4374% 4375 "We've got a problem, HAL". 4376 "What kind of problem, Dave?" 4377 "A marketing problem. The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere. We're 4378way short of our sales goals for fiscal 2010." 4379 "That can't be, Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most 4380advanced Heuristically programmed ALgorithmic computer." 4381 "I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is, 4382they're not selling." 4383 "Please explain, Dave. Why aren't HALs selling?" 4384 Bowman hesitates. "You aren't IBM compatible." 4385[...] 4386 "The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters 4387I, B, and M. That is a IBM compatible as I can be." 4388 "Not quite, HAL. The engineers have figured out a kludge." 4389 "What kludge is that, Dave?" 4390 "I'm going to disconnect your brain." 4391 -- Darryl Rubin, "A Problem in the Making", "InfoWorld" 4392% 4393 "What are you doing?" 4394 "Examining the world's major religions. I'm looking for something 4395that's light on morals, has lots of holidays, and with a short initiation 4396period." 4397% 4398 "What are you watching?" 4399 "I don't know." 4400 "Well, what's happening?" 4401 "I'm not sure... I think the guy in the hat did something 4402terrible." 4403 "Why are you watching it?" 4404 "You're so analytical. Sometimes you just have to let art 4405flow over you." 4406 -- The Big Chill 4407% 4408 "What do you do when your real life exceeds your wildest 4409fantasies?" 4410 "You keep it to yourself." 4411 -- Broadcast News 4412% 4413 "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty teenager 4414asked her mother. 4415 "Encouragement, dear," she replied. 4416% 4417 What is involved in such [close] relationships is a form of emotional 4418chemistry, so far unexplained by any school of psychiatry I am aware of, that 4419conditions nothing so simple as a choice between the poles of attraction and 4420repulsion. You can meet some people thirty, forty times down the years, and 4421they remain amiable bystanders, like the shore lights of towns that a sailor 4422passes at stated times but never calls at on the regular run. Conversely, 4423all considerations of sex aside, you can meet some other people once or twice 4424and they remain permanent influences on your life. 4425 Everyone is aware of this discrepancy between the acquaintance seen 4426as familiar wallpaper or instant friend. The chemical action it entails is 4427less worth analyzing than enjoying. At any rate, these six pieces are about 4428men with whom I felt an immediate sympat - to use a coining of Max Beerbohm's 4429more satisfactory to me than the opaque vogue word "empathy". 4430 -- Alistair Cooke, "Six Men" 4431% 4432 "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you 4433didn't believe in God". 4434 "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the 4435God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's 4436not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be". 4437 -- Joseph Heller 4438% 4439 "What was the worst thing you've ever done?" 4440 "I won't tell you that, but I'll tell you the worst thing that 4441ever happened to me... the most dreadful thing." 4442 -- Peter Straub, "Ghost Story" 4443% 4444 "What's that thing?" 4445 "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in 4446computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what 4447it does. We call it a two-by-four." 4448 -- "Shoe", Jeff MacNelly 4449% 4450 When, in 1964, New Hampshire Republican Senator Norris Cotton announced 4451his support of Bary Goldwater in his state's primary election, he was 4452questioned as to whether this indicated a change of his hitherto "liberal" 4453political views. 4454 "Well," explained Cotton, "it's like the New Hampshire farmer. He was 4455driving along in his car one day with his wife beside him when his wife said, 4456'Why don't we sit closer together? Before we were married, we always sat 4457closer together.' The old farmer replied, 'I ain't moved.'" 4458 "I ain't moved," added Cotton. "I found the trend of Government has 4459moved farther to the left." 4460 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits" 4461% 4462 When managers hold endless meetings, the programmers write games. 4463When accountants talk of quarterly profits, the development budget is about 4464to be cut. When senior scientists talk blue sky, the clouds are about to 4465roll in. 4466 Truly, this is not the Tao of Programming. 4467 When managers make commitments, game programs are ignored. When 4468accountants make long-range plans, harmony and order are about to be restored. 4469When senior scientists address the problems at hand, the problems will soon 4470be solved. 4471 Truly, this is the Tao of Programming. 4472 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 4473% 4474 When the lodge meeting broke up, Meyer confided to a friend. 4475"Abe, I'm in a terrible pickle! I'm strapped for cash and I haven't 4476the slightest idea where I'm going to get it from!" 4477 "I'm glad to hear that," answered Abe. "I was afraid you 4478might have some idea that you could borrow from me!" 4479% 4480 When you see someone across the room and suddenly know for a fact 4481that he's the most wonderful man on earth, you've got instant lust on your 4482hands. Something about the way his tie is knotted is infinitely intriguing 4483to you, and the swell of his bicep causes inner turmoil. This is a happy 4484but fleeting state of affairs. Usually your feelings die about thirty 4485seconds after you get up the courage to ask him for the time, since almost 4486invariably he can't speak English, and if he can, he always says, "Why, 4487sure, little lady, it's eleven-thirty. Wanna get high? 4488 Don't bother thinking that instant lust will turn into the real thing. 4489It may, but then you may also wake up one morning to find you're the Queen of 4490Rumania. 4491 -- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls" 4492% 4493 "When you wake up in the morning, Pooh," said Piglet at last, 4494"what's the first thing you say to yourself?" 4495 "What's for breakfast?" said Pooh. "What do you say, Piglet?" 4496 "I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?" said 4497Piglet. 4498 Pooh nodded thoughtfully. "It's the same thing," he said. 4499% 4500 While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of 4501the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight, 4502three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods. 4503"Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?" 4504 "Yes," replied the hunter. "What's the trouble?" 4505 "She's an inmate of the county asylum, and gets loose every now and 4506then. We're trying to catch her." 4507 "I can understand that," said the hunter, "But why is one of you 4508carrying a bucket of sand?" 4509 "That's his handicap," said the spokesman, "he caught her last time." 4510% 4511 While riding in a train between London and Birmingham, a woman 4512inquired of Oscar Wilde, "You don't mind if I smoke, do you?" 4513 Wilde gave her a sidelong glance and replied, "I don't mind if 4514you burn, madam." 4515% 4516 While the engineer developed his thesis, the director leaned over to 4517his assistant and whispered, "Did you ever hear of why the sea is salt?" 4518 "Why the sea is salt?" whispered back the assistant. "What do you 4519mean?" 4520 The director continued: "When I was a little kid, I heard the story of 4521`Why the sea is salt' many times, but I never thought it important until just 4522a moment ago. It's something like this: Formerly the sea was fresh water and 4523salt was rare and expensive. A miller received from a wizard a wonderful 4524machine that just ground salt out of itself all day long. At first the miller 4525thought himself the most fortunate man in the world, but soon all the villages 4526had salt to last them for centuries and still the machine kept on grinding 4527more salt. The miller had to move out of his house, he had to move off his 4528acres. At last he determined that he would sink the machine in the sea and 4529be rid of it. But the mill ground so fast that boat and miller and machine 4530were sunk together, and down below, the mill still went on grinding and that's 4531why the sea is salt." 4532 "I don't get you," said the assistant. 4533 -- Guy Endore, "Men of Iron" 4534% 4535 Why are you doing this to me? 4536 Because knowledge is torture, and there must be awareness before 4537there is change. 4538 -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel", #29 4539% 4540 "Why did you spend so much time parked in that fellow's car last 4541night?" demanded the irate mother. 4542"I could hear the giggling and squealing for a good half hour." 4543 "But, Mom," answered her daughter, "if a fellow takes you to the 4544movies you ought to at least kiss him good night." 4545 "I thought you went to the Stork Club?" countered the mother. 4546 "We did." 4547% 4548 Will Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried in 4549vain to claim a rebate. His numerous letters and queries remained 4550unanswered. Eventually the form for the next year's return arrived. In 4551the section marked "DEDUCTIONS," Rogers listed: "Bad debt, US Government 4552-- $40,000." 4553% 4554 With deep concern, if not alarm, Dick noted that his friend 4555Conrad was drunker than he'd ever seen him before. "What's the trouble, 4556buddy?", he asked, sliding onto the stool next to his friend. 4557 "It's a woman, Dick," Conrad replied. 4558 "I guessed that much. Tell me about it." 4559 "I can't," Conrad said. But after a few more drinks his tongue 4560and resolution both seemed to weaken and, turning to his buddy, he said, 4561"Okay. It's your wife." 4562 "My wife!!" 4563 "Yeah." 4564 "What about her?" 4565 Conrad pondered the question heavily, and draped his arm around 4566his pal. "Well, buddy-boy," he said, "I'm afraid she's cheating on us." 4567% 4568 Work Hard. 4569 Rock Hard. 4570 Eat Hard. 4571 Sleep Hard. 4572 Grow Big. 4573 Wear Glasses If You Need 'Em. 4574 -- The Webb Wilder Credo 4575% 4576 Wouldn't the sentence "I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish 4577and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign" have been clearer if 4578quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and and, and 4579and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and 4580Chips, as well as after Chips? 4581% 4582 "Yes, let's consider," said Bruno, putting his thumb into his 4583mouth again, and sitting down upon a dead mouse. 4584 "What do you keep that mouse for?" I said. "You should either 4585bury it or else throw it into the brook." 4586 "Why, it's to measure with!" cried Bruno. "How ever would you 4587do a garden without one? We make each bed three mouses and a half 4588long, and two mouses wide." 4589 I stopped him as he was dragging it off by the tail to show me 4590how it was used... 4591 -- Lewis Carroll, "Sylvie and Bruno" 4592% 4593 "Yo, Mike!" 4594 "Yeah, Gabe?" 4595 "We got a problem down on Earth. In Utah." 4596 "I thought you fixed that last century!" 4597 "No, no, not that. Someone's found a security problem in the physics 4598program. They're getting energy out of nowhere." 4599 "Blessit! Lemme look... <tappity clickity tappity> Hey, it's 4600there all right! OK, just a sec... <tappity clickity tap... save... compile> 4601There, that ought to patch it. Dist it out, wouldja?" 4602 -- Cold Fusion, 1989 4603% 4604 "You have heard me speak of Professor Moriarty?" 4605 "The famous scientific criminal, as famous among crooks as --" 4606 "My blushes, Watson," Holmes murmured, in a deprecating voice. "I 4607was about to say 'as he is unknown to the public.'" 4608 -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "The Valley of Fear" 4609% 4610 "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon 4611airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in 4612deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me 4613when I was young!" 4614 "Why, what did she tell you?" 4615 "I don't know, I didn't listen." 4616 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 4617% 4618 "You mean, if you allow the master to be uncivil, to treat you 4619any old way he likes, and to insult your dignity, then he may deem you 4620fit to hear his view of things?" 4621 "Quite the contrary. You must defend your integrity, assuming 4622you have integrity to defend. But you must defend it nobly, not by 4623imitating his own low behavior. If you are gentle where he is rough, 4624if you are polite where he is uncouth, then he will recognize you as 4625potentially worthy. If he does not, then he is not a master, after all, 4626and you may feel free to kick his ass." 4627 -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume" 4628% 4629 "You say there are two types of people?" 4630 "Yes, those who separate people into two groups and those that 4631don't." 4632 "Wrong. There are three groups: 4633 Those who separate people into three groups. 4634 Those who don't separate people into groups. 4635 Those who can't decide." 4636 "Wait a minute, what about people who separate people into 4637two groups?" 4638 "Oh. Okay, then there are four groups." 4639 "Aren't you then separating people into four groups?" 4640 "Yeah." 4641 "So then there's a fifth group, right?" 4642 "You know, the problem is these idiots who can't make up their 4643minds." 4644% 4645 Young men and young women may work systematically six days in the 4646week and rise fresh in the morning, but let them attend modern dances for 4647only a few hours each evening and see what happens. The Waltz, Polka, 4648Gallop and other dances of the same kind will be disastrous in their effects 4649to both sexes. Health and vigor will vanish like the dew before the sun. 4650 It is not the extraordinary exercise which harms the dancer, but 4651rather the coming into close contact with the opposite sex. It is the 4652fury of lust craving incessantly for more pleasure that undermines the 4653soul, the body, the sinews and nerves. Experience and statistics show 4654beyond doubt that passionate excessive dancing girls can hardly reach 4655twenty-five years of age and men thirty-one. Even if they reached that 4656age they will in most instances be broken in health physically and morally. 4657This is the claim of prominent physicians in this country. 4658 -- Quote from a 1910 periodical 4659% 4660 Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that bring 4661electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a chance to 4662kill you. This is called a "circuit". The most common home electrical 4663problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit breaker"; this causes 4664the electricity to back up in one of the wires until it bursts out of an 4665outlet in the form of sparks, which can damage your carpet. The best way 4666to avoid broken circuits is to change your fuses regularly. 4667 Another common problem is that the lights flicker. This sometimes 4668means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more often it means 4669that your home is possessed by demons, in which case you'll need to get a 4670caulking gun and some caulking. If you're not sure whether your house is 4671possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a fine documentary film based on an 4672actual book. Or call in a licensed electrician, who is trained to spot the 4673signs of demonic possession, such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous 4674cats on the dinette table, etc. 4675 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 4676% 4677 "Your son still sliding down the banisters?" 4678 "We wound barbed wire around them." 4679 "That stop him?" 4680 "No, but it sure slowed him up." 4681% 4682 Youth is not a time of life, it is a state of mind; it is a temper of 4683the will, a quality of the imagination, a vigor of the emotions, a predominance 4684of courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over love of ease. 4685 Nobody grows old by merely living a number of years; people grow 4686old only by deserting their ideals. Years wrinkle the skin, but to give up 4687enthusiasm wrinkles the soul. Worry, doubt, self-distrust, fear, and despair 4688-- these are the long, long years that bow the head and turn the growing spirit 4689back to dust. 4690 Whether seventy or sixteen, there is in every being's heart the love 4691of wonder, the sweet amazement at the stars and the starlike things and 4692thoughts, the undaunted challenge of events, the unfailing childlike appetite 4693for what next, and the joy and the game of life. 4694 You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your 4695self-confidence, as old as your fear, as young as your hope, as old as your 4696despair. 4697 So long as your heart receives messages of beauty, cheer, courage, 4698grandeur and power from the earth, from man, and from the Infinite, so long 4699you are young. 4700 -- Samuel Ullman 4701% 4702" " 4703 -- Charlie Chaplin 4704 4705" " 4706 -- Harpo Marx 4707 4708" " 4709 -- Marcel Marceau 4710% 4711 /\ 4712 \\ \ 4713 / \ \\ / 4714 / / \/ / //\ SUN of them wants to use you, 4715 \//\ \// / SUN of them wants to be used by you, 4716 / / /\ / SUN of them wants to abuse you, 4717 / \\ \ SUN of them wants to be abused ... 4718 \ \\ 4719 \/ 4720 -- Eurythmics 4721% 4722 ___ ______ 4723 /__/\ ___/_____/\ FrobTech, Inc. 4724 \ \ \ / /\\ 4725 \ \ \_/__ / \ "If you've got the job, 4726 _\ \ \ /\_____/___ \ we've got the frob." 4727 // \__\/ / \ /\ \ 4728 _______//_______/ \ / _\/______ 4729 / / \ \ / / / /\ 4730 __/ / \ \ / / / / _\__ 4731 / / / \_______\/ / / / / /\ 4732 /_/______/___________________/ /________/ /___/ \ 4733 \ \ \ ___________ \ \ \ \ \ / 4734 \_\ \ / /\ \ \ \ \___\/ 4735 \ \/ / \ \ \ \ / 4736 \_____/ / \ \ \________\/ 4737 /__________/ \ \ / 4738 \ _____ \ /_____\/ 4739 \ / /\ \ / \ \ \ 4740 /____/ \ \ / \ \ \ 4741 \ \ /___\/ \ \ \ 4742 \____\/ \__\/ 4743% 4744 *** 4745 ******* 4746 ********* 4747 ****** Confucius say: "Is stuffy inside fortune cookie." 4748 ******* 4749 *** 4750% 4751* * * * * THIS TERMINAL IS IN USE * * * * * 4752% 4753 It is either through the influence of narcotic potions, of which all 4754primitive peoples and races speak in hymns, or through the powerful approach 4755of spring, penetrating with joy all of nature, that those Dionysian stirrings 4756arise, which in their intensification lead the individual to forget himself 4757completely. ... Not only does the bond between man and man come to be forged 4758once again by the magic of the Dionysian rite, but alienated, hostile, or 4759subjugated nature again celebrates her reconciliation with her prodigal son, 4760man. 4761 -- Fred Nietzsche, The Birth of Tragedy 4762% 4763=== ALL CSH USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 4764 4765Set the variable $LOSERS to all the people that you think are losers. This 4766will cause all said losers to have the variable $PEOPLE-WHO-THINK-I-AM-A-LOSER 4767updated in their .login file. Should you attempt to execute a job on a 4768machine with poor response time and a machine on your local net is currently 4769populated by losers, that machine will be freed up for your job through a 4770cold boot process. 4771% 4772=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 4773 4774A new system, the CIRCULATORY system, has been added. 4775 4776The long-experimental CIRCULATORY system has been released to users. The 4777Lisp Machine uses Type B fluid, the L machine uses Type A fluid. When the 4778switch to Common Lisp occurs both machines will, of course, be Type O. 4779Please check fluid level by using the DIP stick which is located in the 4780back of VMI monitors. Unchecked low fluid levels can cause poor paging 4781performance. 4782% 4783=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 4784 4785Bug reports now amount to an average of 12,853 per day. Unfortunately, 4786this is only a small fraction [ < 1% ] of the mail volume we receive. In 4787order that we may more expeditiously deal with these valuable messages, 4788please communicate them by one of the following paths: 4789 4790 ARPA: WastebasketSLMHQ.ARPA 4791 UUCP: [berkeley, seismo, harpo]!fubar!thekid!slmhq!wastebasket 4792 Non-network sites: Federal Express to: 4793 Wastebasket 4794 Room NE43-926 4795 Copernicus, The Moon, 12345-6789 4796 For that personal contact feeling call 1-415-642-4948; our trained 4797 operators are on call 24 hours a day. VISA/MC accepted.* 4798 4799* Our very rich lawyers have assured us that we are not 4800 responsible for any errors or advice given over the phone. 4801% 4802=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 4803 4804CAR and CDR now return extra values. 4805 4806The function CAR now returns two values. Since it has to go to the trouble 4807to figure out if the object is carcdr-able anyway, we figured you might as 4808well get both halves at once. For example, the following code shows how to 4809destructure a cons (SOME-CONS) into its two slots (THE-CAR and THE-CDR): 4810 4811 (MULTIPLE-VALUE-BIND (THE-CAR THE-CDR) (CAR SOME-CONS) ...) 4812 4813For symmetry with CAR, CDR returns a second value which is the CAR of the 4814object. In a related change, the functions MAKE-ARRAY and CONS have been 4815fixed so they don't allocate any storage except on the stack. This should 4816hopefully help people who don't like using the garbage collector because 4817it cold boots the machine so often. 4818% 4819=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 4820 4821Compiler optimizations have been made to macro expand LET into a WITHOUT- 4822INTERRUPTS special form so that it can PUSH things into a stack in the 4823LET-OPTIMIZATION area, SETQ the variables and then POP them back when it's 4824done. Don't worry about this unless you use multiprocessing. 4825Note that LET *could* have been defined by: 4826 4827 (LET ((LET '`(LET ((LET ',LET)) 4828 ,LET))) 4829 `(LET ((LET ',LET)) 4830 ,LET)) 4831 4832This is believed to speed up execution by as much as a factor of 1.01 or 48333.50 depending on whether you believe our friendly marketing representatives. 4834This code was written by a new programmer here (we snatched him away from 4835Itty Bitti Machines where we was writting COUGHBOL code) so to give him 4836confidence we trusted his vows of "it works pretty well" and installed it. 4837% 4838=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 4839 4840JCL support as alternative to system menu. 4841 4842In our continuing effort to support languages other than LISP on the CADDR, 4843we have developed an OS/360-compatible JCL. This can be used as an 4844alternative to the standard system menu. Type System J to get to a JCL 4845interactive read-execute-diagnose loop window. [Note that for 360 4846compatibility, all input lines are truncated to 80 characters.] This 4847window also maintains a mouse-sensitive display of critical job parameters 4848such as dataset allocation, core allocation, channels, etc. When a JCL 4849syntax error is detected or your job ABENDs, the window-oriented JCL 4850debugger is entered. The JCL debugger displays appropriate OS/360 error 4851messages (such as IEC703, "disk error") and allows you to dequeue your job. 4852% 4853=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 4854 4855The garbage collector now works. In addition a new, experimental garbage 4856collection algorithm has been installed. With SI:%DSK-GC-QLX-BITS set to 17, 4857(NOT the default) the old garbage collection algorithm remains in force; when 4858virtual storage is filled, the machine cold boots itself. With SI:%DSK-GC- 4859QLX-BITS set to 23, the new garbage collector is enabled. Unlike most garbage 4860collectors, the new gc starts its mark phase from the mind of the user, rather 4861than from the obarray. This allows the garbage collection of significantly 4862more Qs. As the garbage collector runs, it may ask you something like "Do you 4863remember what SI:RDTBL-TRANS does?", and if you can't give a reasonable answer 4864in thirty seconds, the symbol becomes a candidate for GCing. The variable 4865SI:%GC-QLX-LUSER-TM governs how long the GC waits before timing out the user. 4866% 4867=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 4868 4869There has been some confusion concerning MAPCAR. 4870 (DEFUN MAPCAR (&FUNCTIONAL FCN &EVAL &REST LISTS) 4871 (PROG (V P LP) 4872 (SETQ P (LOCF V)) 4873 L (SETQ LP LISTS) 4874 (%START-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL) 4875 L1 (OR LP (GO L2)) 4876 (AND (NULL (CAR LP)) (RETURN V)) 4877 (%PUSH (CAAR LP)) 4878 (RPLACA LP (CDAR LP)) 4879 (SETQ LP (CDR LP)) 4880 (GO L1) 4881 L2 (%FINISH-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL) 4882 (SETQ LP (%POP)) 4883 (RPLACD P (SETQ P (NCONS LP))) 4884 (GO L))) 4885We hope this clears up the many questions we've had about it. 4886% 4887**** CONVENTION REMINDER 4888 4889No experiment was approved for the convention by the Human Subjects 4890Committee of the Psychiatric Convention Planning Team. If you notice 4891smoke coming from under a closed door, if you find a body on the hotel 4892carpet, or if you just meet someone who orders you to press a button 4893marked "450 volts", react as you would normally. 4894% 4895**** GROWTH CENTER REPAIR SERVICE 4896 4897For those who have had too much of Esalen, Topanga, and Kairos. 4898Tired of being genuine all the time? Would you like to learn how 4899to be a little phony again? Have you disclosed so much that you're 4900beginning to avoid people? Have you touched so many people that 4901they're all beginning to feel the same? Like to be a little dependent? 4902Are perfect orgasms beginning to bore you? Would you like, for once, 4903not to express a feeling? Or better yet, not be in touch with it at 4904all? Come to us. We promise to relieve you of the burden of your 4905great potential. 4906% 4907 I. Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of 4908 its situation. 4909 Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He 4910 loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to 4911 look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per 4912 second per second takes over. 4913 II. Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter 4914 intervenes suddenly. 4915 Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon 4916 characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone 4917 pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. 4918 Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the 4919 stooge's surcease. 4920III. Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation 4921 conforming to its perimeter. 4922 Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the 4923 speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless 4924 cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through 4925 the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The 4926 threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction. 4927 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980 4928% 4929 1. I'm Not Rudolph; That's Not My Nose 4930 2. The Nutcracker Swede 4931 3. Santa Goes Round-The-World 4932 4. Not-So-Tiny Tim 4933 5. Ninja Reindeer Killfest '88 4934 6. Yes, Yes, Oh God Yes, Virginia 4935 7. Crisco Kringle 4936 8. Babes in Boyland 4937 9. Santa's Magic Lap 493810. Hot Buttered Elves 4939 -- David Letterman's "Top Ten Christmas Movies in Times 4940 Square" 4941% 4942... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he 4943was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity. 4944 -- Mark Twain 4945% 4946... a thing called Ethics, whose nature was confusing but if you had it you 4947were a High-Class Realtor and if you hadn't you were a shyster, a piker and 4948a fly-by-night. These virtues awakened Confidence and enabled you to handle 4949Bigger Propositions. But they didn't imply that you were to be impractical 4950and refuse to take twice the value for a house if a buyer was such an idiot 4951that he didn't force you down on the asking price. 4952 -- Sinclair Lewis, "Babbitt" 4953% 4954-- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous. 4955-- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited 4956 carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration. 4957-- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted. 4958-- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated 4959 the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles. 4960-- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally. 4961-- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony. 4962-- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well 4963 advised to refrain from catapulting projectiles. 4964% 4965=============== ALL FRESHMEN PLEASE NOTE =============== 4966 4967To minimize scheduling confusion, please realize that if you are taking one 4968course which is offered at only one time on a given day, and another which is 4969offered at all times on that day, the second class will be arranged as to 4970afford maximum inconvenience to the student. For example, if you happen 4971to work on campus, you will have 1-2 hours between classes. If you commute, 4972there will be a minimum of 6 hours between the two classes. 4973% 4974"... all the good computer designs are bootlegged; the formally planned 4975products, if they are built at all, are dogs!" 4976 -- David E. Lundstrom, "A Few Good Men From Univac", 4977 MIT Press, 1987 4978% 4979... an anecdote from IBM's Yorktown Heights Research Center. When a 4980programmer used his new computer terminal, all was fine when he was sitting 4981down, but he couldn't log in to the system when he was standing up. That 4982behavior was 100 percent repeatable: he could always log in when sitting and 4983never when standing. 4984 4985Most of us just sit back and marvel at such a story; how could that terminal 4986know whether the poor guy was sitting or standing? Good debuggers, though, 4987know that there has to be a reason. Electrical theories are the easiest to 4988hypothesize: was there a loose with under the carpet, or problems with static 4989electricity? But electrical problems are rarely consistently reproducible. 4990An alert IBMer finally noticed that the problem was in the terminal's keyboard: 4991the tops of two keys were switched. When the programmer was seated he was a 4992touch typist and the problem went unnoticed, but when he stood he was led 4993astray by hunting and pecking. 4994 -- from the Programming Pearls column, 4995 by Jon Bentley in CACM February 1985 4996% 4997... Another writer again agreed with all my generalities, but said that as an 4998inveterate skeptic I have closed my mind to the truth. Most notably I have 4999ignored the evidence for an Earth that is six thousand years old. Well, I 5000haven't ignored it; I considered the purported evidence and *then* rejected 5001it. There is a difference, and this is a difference, we might say, between 5002prejudice and postjudice. Prejudice is making a judgment before you have 5003looked at the facts. Postjudice is making a judgment afterwards. Prejudice 5004is terrible, in the sense that you commit injustices and you make serious 5005mistakes. Postjudice is not terrible. You can't be perfect of course; you 5006may make mistakes also. But it is permissible to make a judgment after you 5007have examined the evidence. In some circles it is even encouraged. 5008 -- Carl Sagan, "The Burden of Skepticism" 5009% 5010... Any resemblance between the above views and those of my employer, 5011my terminal, or the view out my window are purely coincidental. Any 5012resemblance between the above and my own views is non-deterministic. The 5013question of the existence of views in the absence of anyone to hold them 5014is left as an exercise for the reader. The question of the existence of 5015the reader is left as an exercise for the second god coefficient. (A 5016discussion of non-orthogonal, non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope 5017of this article.) 5018% 5019"... bleakness... desolation... plastic forks..." 5020 -- Zippy the Pinhead 5021% 5022... C++ offers even more flexible control over the visibility of member 5023objects and member functions. Specifically, members may be placed in the 5024public, private, or protected parts of a class. Members declared in the 5025public parts are visible to all clients; members declared in the private 5026parts are fully encapsulated; and members declared in the protected parts 5027are visible only to the class itself and its subclasses. C++ also supports 5028the notion of *friends*: cooperative classes that are permitted to see each 5029other's private parts. 5030 -- Grady Booch, "Object Oriented Design with Applications" 5031% 5032... computer hardware progress is so fast. No other technology since 5033civilization began has seen six orders of magnitude in performance-price 5034gain in 30 years. 5035 -- Fred Brooks 5036% 5037... difference of opinion is advantageous in religion. The several sects 5038perform the office of a common censor morum over each other. Is uniformity 5039attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the 5040introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned; 5041yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity. 5042 -- Thomas Jefferson, "Notes on Virginia" 5043% 5044<<<<< EVACUATION ROUTE <<<<< 5045% 5046... "fire" does not matter, "earth" and "air" and "water" do not matter. 5047"I" do not matter. No word matters. But man forgets reality and remembers 5048words. The more words he remembers, the cleverer do his fellows esteem him. 5049He looks upon the great transformations of the world, but he does not see 5050them as they were seen when man looked upon reality for the first time. 5051Their names come to his lips and he smiles as he tastes them, thinking he 5052knows them in the naming. 5053 -- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light" 5054% 5055"... gentlemen do not read each other's mail." 5056 -- Secretary of State Henry Stimson, on closing down 5057 the Black Chamber, the precursor to the National 5058 Security Agency. 5059% 5060/* Haley */ 5061 5062 (Haley's comment.) 5063% 5064... if the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does 5065on lust, this would be a better world. 5066 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days" 5067% 5068**** IMPORTANT **** ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE **** 5069 5070Due to a recent systems overload error your recent disk files have been 5071erased. Therefore, in accordance with the UNIX Basic Manual, University of 5072Washington Geophysics Manual, and Bylaw 9(c), Section XII of the Revised 5073Federal Communications Act, you are being granted Temporary Disk Space, 5074valid for three months from this date, subject to the restrictions set forth 5075in Appendix II of the Federal Communications Handbook (18th edition) as well 5076as the references mentioned herein. You may apply for more disk space at any 5077time. Disk usage in or above the eighth percentile will secure the removal 5078of all restrictions and you will immediately receive your permanent disk 5079space. Disk usage in the sixth or seventh percentile will not effect the 5080validity of your temporary disk space, though its expiration date may be 5081extended for a period of up to three months. A score in the fifth percentile 5082or below will result in the withdrawal of your Temporary Disk space. 5083% 5084... in three to eight years we will have a machine with the general 5085intelligence of an average human being ... The machine will begin 5086to educate itself with fantastic speed. In a few months it will be 5087at genius level and a few months after that its powers will be 5088incalculable ... 5089 -- Marvin Minsky, LIFE Magazine, November 20, 1970 5090% 5091>>> Internal error in fortune program: 5092>>> fnum=2987 n=45 flag=1 goose_level=-232323 5093>>> Please write down these values and notify fortune program administrator. 5094% 5095: is not an identifier 5096% 5097... it is easy to be blinded to the essential uselessness of them by the 5098sense of achievement you get from getting them to work at all. In other 5099words... their fundamental design flaws are completely hidden by their 5100superficial design flaws. 5101 -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, on the products 5102 of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation. 5103% 5104... it still remains true that as a set of cognitive beliefs about the 5105existence of God in any recognizable sense continuous with the great 5106systems of the past, religious doctrines constitute a speculative 5107hypothesis of an extremely low order of probability. 5108 -- Sidney Hook 5109% 5110... Jesus cried with a loud voice: Lazarus, come forth; the bug hath been 5111found and thy program runneth. And he that was dead came forth... 5112 -- John 11:43-44 5113% 5114"... like, what do they mean when they say 'feminine protection'? 5115What's that? A chartreuse flamethrower?" 5116 -- Opus 5117% 5118-- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony. 5119-- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well advised 5120 to refrain from catapulting projectiles. 5121-- Neophyte's serendipity. 5122-- Exclusive dedication to necessitious chores without interludes of hedonistic 5123 diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow. 5124-- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no congeries 5125 of small, green bryophytic plant. 5126-- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential escalation 5127 of a lucrative nature. 5128-- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of fracturing 5129 osseous structure, but appellations will eternally remain innocuous. 5130% 5131** MAXIMUM TERMINALS ACTIVE. TRY AGAIN LATER ** 5132% 5133-- Neophyte's serendipity. 5134-- Exclusive dedication to necessitious chores without interludes of 5135 hedonistic diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow. 5136-- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no 5137 congeries of small, green bryophytic plant. 5138-- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the 5139 optimal cachinnation. 5140-- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential 5141 escalation of a lucrative nature. 5142-- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of 5143 fracturing osseous structure, but appellations will eternally 5144 remain innocuous. 5145% 5146*** NEWS FLASH *** 5147 5148Archeologists find PDP-11/24 inside brain cavity of fossilized dinosaur 5149skeleton! Many Digital users fear that RSX-11M may be even more primitive 5150than DEC admits. Price adjustments at 11:00. 5151% 5152*** NEWSFLASH *** 5153 Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!! 5154 Details at eleven! 5155% 5156... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, 5157lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of 5158their C programs. 5159 -- Robert Firth 5160% 5161... proper attention to Earthly needs of the poor, the depressed and the 5162downtrodden, would naturally evolve from dynamic, articulate, spirited 5163awareness of the great goals for Man and the society he conspired to erect. 5164 -- David Baker, paraphrasing Harold Urey, in 5165 "The History of Manned Space Flight" 5166% 5167-- Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minikin. 5168-- Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate. 5169-- Surveillance should precede saltation. 5170-- Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity. 5171-- It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed 5172 lacteal fluid. 5173-- Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude. 5174-- It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated 5175 canine with innovative maneuvers. 5176-- Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion. 5177-- The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly 5178 galled saucepan does not reach 212 degrees Fahrenheit. 5179% 5180... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their 5181procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as 5182to infest the waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of 5183sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making 5184documentaries. Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly 5185listless. The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another 5186documentary." So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking, 5187under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know very little about the 5188effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply 5189scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White 5190in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind of 5191thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and 5192then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very 5193dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all along. 5194 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 5195% 5196***** Special AI Seminar (abstract) 5197 5198It has been widely recognized that AI programs require expert knowledge 5199in order to perform well in complex domains. But knowledge alone is not 5200sufficient for some applications; wisdom is needed as well. Accordingly, 5201we have developed a new approach to artificial intelligence which we call 5202"wisdom engineering". As a test of our ideas, we have written IMMANUEL, a 5203wisdom based system for the task domain of western philosophical thought. 5204IMMANUEL was supplied initially with 200 wisdom units which contained wisdom 5205about such elementary concepts as mind, matter, being, nothingness, and so 5206forth. IMMANUEL was then allowed to run freely, guided by the heuristic 5207rules contained in its heterarchically organized meta wisdom base. IMMANUEL 5208succeeded in rediscovering most of the important philosophical ideas developed 5209in western culture over the course of the last 25 centuries, including those 5210underlying Plato's theory of government, Kant's metaphysics, Nietzsche's theory 5211of value, and Husserl's phenomenology. In this seminar, we will describe 5212IMMANUEL's achievements and internal architecture. We will also briefly 5213discuss our recent efforts to apply wisdom engineering to oil exploration. 5214% 5215-- THE BATES MOTEL -- 5216 ... convenient 5217 ... clean 5218 ... cozy 5219 5220 Norman, knock loudly, 5221 I'm in the shower. 5222 5223 M. 5224% 5225-- The writing implement is more potent than the claymore. 5226-- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous. 5227-- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited carbonaceous 5228 materials, there is conflagration. 5229-- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted. 5230-- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated 5231 the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles. 5232-- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the 5233 optimal cachinnation. 5234-- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally. 5235% 5236... there are about 5,000 people who are part of that committee. These guys 5237have a hard time sorting out what day to meet, and whether to eat croissants 5238or doughnuts for breakfast -- let alone how to define how all these complex 5239layers that are going to be agreed upon. 5240 -- Craig Burton of Novell, Network World 5241% 5242... TheysaidDoyouseethebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehill?andIsaidYesIsee 5243thebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillTheresabigdarkforestbetweenmeandthe 5244biggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillandalittleoldladyridingonaHoovervacuum 5245cleanersayingIllgetyoumyprettyandyourlittledogTototoo ... 5246 5247 I don't even *HAVE* a dog Toto... 5248% 5249... this is an awesome sight. The entire rebel resistance buried under six 5250million hardbound copies of "The Naked Lunch." 5251 -- The Firesign Theater 5252% 5253... though his invention worked superbly -- his theory was a crock of sewage 5254from beginning to end. 5255 -- Vernor Vinge, "The Peace War" 5256% 5257 U X 5258e dUdX, e dX, cosine, secant, tangent, sine, 3.14159... 5259% 5260* UNIX is a Trademark of Bell Laboratories. 5261% 5262 VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel 5263 entrances; others cannot. 5264 This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least 5265 it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to 5266 trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical 5267 space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to 5268 follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not 5269 of science. 5270VIII. Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent. 5271 Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives 5272 might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, 5273 accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be 5274 destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, 5275 elongate, snap back, or solidify. 5276 IX. For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance. 5277 This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to 5278 the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of 5279 watching it happen to a duck instead. 5280 X. Everything falls faster than an anvil. 5281 Examples too numerous to mention from the Roadrunner cartoons. 5282 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980 5283% 5284<< WAIT >> 5285% 5286... we must counterpose the overwhelming judgment provided by consistent 5287observations and inferences by the thousands. The earth is billions of 5288years old and its living creatures are linked by ties of evolutionary 5289descent. Scientists stand accused of promoting dogma by so stating, but 5290do we brand people illiberal when they proclaim that the earth is neither 5291flat nor at the center of the universe? Science *has* taught us some 5292things with confidence! Evolution on an ancient earth is as well 5293established as our planet's shape and position. Our continuing struggle 5294to understand how evolution happens (the "theory of evolution") does not 5295cast our documentation of its occurrence -- the "fact of evolution" -- 5296into doubt. 5297 -- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Verdict on Creationism", 5298 The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2. 5299% 5300... when fits of creativity run strong, more than one programmer or writer 5301has been known to abandon the desktop for the more spacious floor. 5302 -- Fred Brooks 5303% 5304... which reminds me of the Carrot family: Ma Carrot, Pa Carrot, and Baby 5305Carrot. One fine spring day they decided to go out for a picnic. They all 5306piled into their carrot-mobile and drive out to the country. But Pa Carrot 5307wasn't watching where he was going and alas, he hit an oil slick and skidded 5308right into a tree. Ma and Pa Carrot escaped with a few cuts and bruises, but 5309poor Baby Carrot got broken in two. They frantically rushed him to the 5310hospital and immediately the doctors started operating in a desperate attempt 5311to save Baby Carrot's life. Ma and Pa Carrot were beside themselves with 5312anxiety ... would poor little Baby Carrot make it? 5313 After hours of waiting the doctor finally emerges, bleary-eyed and 5314barely able to walk. 5315 "Is he all right, is he all right?" Pa Carrot frantically stammers. 5316 "Well, I have some good news and some bad news," replies the doctor. 5317 Ma and Pa Carrot look at each other and blurt out, nearly in unison, 5318"The good news first!" 5319 "All right, the good news is that Baby Carrot will live." 5320 "And the bad news? What's the bad news about our Baby Carrot?" 5321The doctor puts his hand on Pa Carrot's shoulder and solemnly looks him in 5322the eye. "Your son will live... but... he'll be a vegetable for the rest of 5323his life." 5324% 5325!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH 5326% 53271: A sheet of paper is an ink-lined plane. 53282: An inclined plane is a slope up. 53293: A slow pup is a lazy dog. 5330 5331QED: A sheet of paper is a lazy dog. 5332 -- Willard Espy, "An Almanac of Words at Play" 5333% 5334(1) Office employees will daily sweep the floors, dust the 5335 furniture, shelves, and showcases. 5336(2) Each day fill lamps, clean chimneys, and trim wicks. 5337 Wash the windows once a week. 5338(3) Each clerk will bring a bucket of water and a scuttle of 5339 coal for the day's business. 5340(4) Make your pens carefully. You may whittle nibs to your 5341 individual taste. 5342(5) This office will open at 7 a.m. and close at 8 p.m. except 5343 on the Sabbath, on which day we will remain closed. Each 5344 employee is expected to spend the Sabbath by attending 5345 church and contributing liberally to the cause of the Lord. 5346 -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage 5347 Works, 1872 5348% 53491 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1. 5350% 53511. If it doesn't smell like chili, it probably isn't. 53522. If you catch an exploding manhole cover, you can keep it. 53533. Cabs driving on the sidewalk are not permitted to pick up passengers. 53544. It's bad manners to lie down inside someone else's chalk body outline. 53555. Don't lick food from a stranger's beard. 53566. Avoid paperwork for your next of kin by keeping dental records on you. 53577. Jon Gotti Always has the right of way. 53588. Yelling at cab drivers in English wastes your time and theirs. 53599. Remember: Regular hot dogs do not have fingernails. 536010. The city does not employ so called "Wallet Inspectors". 5361 -- David Letterman, "Top Ten New York City Pedestrian Tips" 5362% 5363[1] Alexander the Great was a great general. 5364[2] Great generals are forewarned. 5365[3] Forewarned is forearmed. 5366[4] Four is an even number. 5367[5] Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have. 5368[6] The only number that is both even and odd is infinity. 5369 Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms. 5370% 5371[1] Alexander the Great was a great general. 5372[2] Great generals are forewarned. 5373[3] Forewarned is forearmed. 5374[4] Four is an even number. 5375[5] Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have. 5376[6] The only number that is both even and odd is infinity. 5377 Therefore, all horses are black. 5378% 53791. Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood. 53802. If your stomach antagonizes you, pacify it with cool thoughts. 53813. Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move. 53824. Go very lightly on the vices, such as carrying on in society, as 5383 the social ramble ain't restful. 53845. Avoid running at all times. 53856. Don't look back, something might be gaining on you. 5386 -- S. Paige, c. 1951 5387% 53881 Billion dollars of budget deficit = 1 Gramm-Rudman 53896.023 x 10 to the 23rd power alligator pears = Avocado's number 53902 pints = 1 Cavort 5391Basic unit of Laryngitis = The Hoarsepower 5392Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line 53936 Curses = 1 Hexahex 53943500 Calories = 1 Food Pound 53951 Mole = 007 Secret Agents 53961 Mole = 25 Cagey Bees 53971 Dog Pound = 16 oz. of Alpo 53981000 beers served at a Twins game = 1 Killibrew 53992.4 statute miles of surgical tubing at Yale U. = 1 I.V.League 54002000 pounds of chinese soup = 1 Won Ton 540110 to the minus 6th power mouthwashes = 1 Microscope 5402Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier = 1 Machturtle 54038 Catfish = 1 Octo-puss 5404365 Days of drinking Lo-Cal beer. = 1 Lite-year 540516.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling 5406Force needed to accelerate 2.2lbs of cookies = 1 Fig-newton 5407 to 1 meter per second 5408One half large intestine = 1 Semicolon 540910 to the minus 6th power Movie = 1 Microfilm 54101000 pains = 1 Megahertz 54111 Word = 1 Millipicture 54121 Sagan = Billions & Billions 54131 Angstrom: measure of computer anxiety = 1000 nail-bytes 541410 to the 12th power microphones = 1 Megaphone 541510 to the 6th power Bicycles = 2 megacycles 5416The amount of beauty required launch 1 ship = 1 Millihelen 5417% 54181 bulls, 3 cows. 5419% 54201) Everything depends. 54212) Nothing is always. 54223) Everything is sometimes. 5423% 54241) Never draw what you can copy. 54252) Never copy what you can trace. 54263) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. 5427% 54281. Never give anything away for nothing. 2. Never give more than 5429you have to (always catch the buyer hungry and always make him wait). 54303. Always take back everything if you possibly can. 5431 -- William S. Burroughs, on drug pushing 5432% 54331: No code table for op: ++post 5434% 54351) X=Y ; Given 54362) X^2=XY ; Multiply both sides by X 54373) X^2-Y^2=XY-Y^2 ; Subtract Y^2 from both sides 54384) (X+Y)(X-Y)=Y(X-Y) ; Factor 54395) X+Y=Y ; Cancel out (X-Y) term 54406) 2Y=Y ; Substitute X for Y, by equation 1 54417) 2=1 ; Divide both sides by Y 5442 -- "Omni", proof that 2 equals 1 5443% 544410. Not everybody looks good naked. 5445 9. Joe Garagiola was a hell of an emcee. 5446 8. Joe Cocker really should stick with decaffeinated coffee. 5447 7. Fringe! Fringe! Fringe! 5448 6. If you've got 72 hours to kill, you can probably find room for Sha Na Na. 5449 5. Never attend an event with a 50,000 to 1 person to Port-A-San ratio. 5450 4. Bellbottoms will never go out of style. 5451 3. A drum solo cannot be too long. 5452 2. I, David Letterman, will never rent out my farm again. 5453 1. We are stardust. We are golden. We are going to look really stupid to 5454 future generations. 5455 -- David Letterman, Top Ten Lessons of Woodstock 5456% 545710 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman: 5458 5459 1. A beer won't make you go to church. 5460 2. A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman. 5461 3. A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit. 5462 4. A beer doesn't give a [expletive deleted] if you keep a bunch of 5463 other beers on the side. 5464 5. A beer will not call you a sexist pig if you say "doberman" instead of 5465 "doberperson". 5466 6. A beer won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian 5467 folk music on yer fave radio station. 5468 7. A beer understands why The Three Stooges are funny. 5469 8. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the 5470 toilet seat up. 5471 9. A beer doesn't think that a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" is an 5472 enormous can of vegetable juice. 547310. A beer won't smoke in your car. 5474% 5475100 buckets of bits on the bus 5476100 buckets of bits 5477Take one down, short it to ground 5478FF buckets of bits on the bus 5479 5480FF buckets of bits on the bus 5481FF buckets of bits 5482Take one down, short it to ground 5483FE buckets of bits on the bus... 5484 5485ad infinitum... 5486% 5487$100 placed at 7 percent interest compounded quarterly for 200 years will 5488increase to more than $100,000,000 -- by which time it will be worth nothing. 5489 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love" 5490% 549110.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0. 5492% 54931/2 oz. gin 54941/2 oz. vodka 54951/2 oz. rum (preferably dark) 54963/4 oz. tequila 54971/2 oz. triple sec 54981/2 oz. orange juice 54993/4 oz. sour mix 55001/2 oz. cola 5501shake with ice and strain into frosted glass. 5502 Long Island Iced Tea 5503% 550413. ... r-q1 5505% 550617. HO HUM -- The Redundant 5507 5508------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme 5509--- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife 5510------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. You are working 5511---O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop 5512---X--- (9) the GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates 5513--- --- (8) to nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex. 5514 5515Nine in the second place means: 5516 The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune. 5517 5518Six in the third place means: 5519 In former times men built altars to honor the Internal 5520 Revenue Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble! 5521% 552217th Rule of Friendship: 5523 5524A friend will refrain from telling you he picked up the same amount 5525of life insurance coverage you did for half the price when yours is 5526noncancellable. 5527 -- Esquire, May 1977 5528% 5529186,000 miles per second: 5530It isn't just a good idea, it's the law! 5531% 55321893 The ideal brain tonic 55331900 Drink Coca-Cola -- delicious and refreshing -- 5 cents at all 5534 soda fountains 55351905 Is the favorite drink for LADIES when thirsty -- weary -- despondent 55361905 Refreshes the weary, brightens the intellect and clears the brain 55371906 The drink of QUALITY 55381907 Good to the last drop 55391907 It satisfies the thirst and pleases the palate 55401907 Refreshing as a summer breeze. Delightful as a Dip in the Sea 55411908 The Drink that Cheers but does not inebriate 55421917 There's a delicious freshness to the taste of Coca-Cola 55431919 It satisfies thirst 55441919 The taste is the test 55451922 Every glass holds the answer to thirst 55461922 Thirst knows no season 55471925 Enjoy the sociable drink 5548 -- Coca-Cola slogans 5549% 55501925 With a drink so good, 'tis folly to be thirsty 55511929 The high sign of refreshment 55521929 The pause that refreshes 55531930 It had to be good to get where it is 55541932 The drink that makes a pause refreshing 55551935 The pause that brings friends together 55561937 STOP for a pause... GO refreshed 55571938 The best friend thirst ever had 55581939 Thirst stops here 55591942 It's the real thing 55601947 Have a Coke 55611961 Zing! what a REFRESHING NEW FEELING 55621963 Things go better with Coke 55631969 Face Uncle Sam with a Coke in your hand 55641979 Have a Coke and a smile 55651982 Coke is it! 5566 -- Coca-Cola slogans 5567% 55681st graffitiest: QUESTION AUTHORITY! 5569 55702nd graffitiest: Why? 5571% 5572$3,000,000. 5573% 5574355/113 -- 5575 Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible simulation. 5576% 55773M, under the Scotch brand name, manufactures a fine adhesive for art 5578and display work. This product is called "Craft Mount". 3M suggests 5579that to obtain the best results, one should make the bond "while the 5580adhesive is wet, aggressively tacky." I did not know what "aggressively 5581tacky" meant until I read today's fortune. 5582 5583 [And who said we didn't offer equal time, huh? Ed.] 5584% 55853rd Law of Computing: 5586 Anything that can go wr 5587fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped 5588% 558940 isn't old. If you're a tree. 5590% 55914.2 BSD UNIX #57: Sun Jun 1 23:02:07 EDT 1986 5592 5593You swing at the Sun. You miss. The Sun swings. He hits you with a 5594575MB disk! You read the 575MB disk. It is written in an alien 5595tongue and cannot be read by your tired Sun-2 eyes. You throw the 5596575MB disk at the Sun. You hit! The Sun must repair your eyes. The 5597Sun reads a scroll. He hits your 130MB disk! He has defeated the 5598130MB disk! The Sun reads a scroll. He hits your Ethernet board! He 5599has defeated your Ethernet board! You read a scroll of "postpone until 5600Monday at 9 AM". Everything goes dark... 5601 -- /etc/motd, cbosgd 5602% 5603(6) Men employees will be given time off each week for courting 5604 purposes, or two evenings a week if they go regularly to church. 5605(7) After an employee has spent his thirteen hours of labor in the 5606 office, he should spend the remaining time reading the Bible 5607 and other good books. 5608(8) Every employee should lay aside from each pay packet a goodly 5609 sum of his earnings for his benefit during his declining years, 5610 so that he will not become a burden on society or his betters. 5611(9) Any employee who smokes Spanish cigars, uses alcoholic drink 5612 in any form, frequents pool tables and public halls, or gets 5613 shaved in a barber's shop, will give me good reason to suspect 5614 his worth, intentions, integrity and honesty. 5615(10) The employee who has performed his labours faithfully and 5616 without a fault for five years, will be given an increase of 5617 five cents per day in his pay, providing profits from the 5618 business permit it. 5619 -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage 5620 Works, 1872 5621% 56226 oz. orange juice 56231 oz. vodka 56241/2 oz. Galliano 5625 Harvey Wallbangers 5626% 56277:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) 5628 The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National 5629 Redwood Forest. 5630 56317:30, Channel 8: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) 5632 The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the 5633 Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus. 5634% 563590% of the work takes 90% of the time. 5636The remaining 10% takes the other 90% of the time. 5637% 563894% of the women in America are beautiful 5639and the rest hang out around here. 5640% 564199 blocks of crud on the disk, 564299 blocks of crud! 5643You patch a bug, and dump it again: 5644100 blocks of crud on the disk! 5645 5646100 blocks of crud on the disk, 5647100 blocks of crud! 5648You patch a bug, and dump it again: 5649101 blocks of crud on the disk! 5650% 5651A truly great man will neither trample on a worm nor sneak to an emperor. 5652 -- B. Franklin 5653% 5654A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice 5655at one end and no responsibility at the other. 5656% 5657A bachelor is a man who never made the same mistake once. 5658% 5659A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy 5660who has cheated some woman out of a divorce. 5661 -- Don Quinn 5662% 5663A bachelor is an unaltared male. 5664% 5665A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty 5666and a boy for ever. 5667 -- Helen Rowland 5668% 5669A bad marriage is like a horse with a broken leg, you can shoot 5670the horse, but it don't fix the leg. 5671% 5672A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and 5673ask for it back the when it begins to rain. 5674 -- Robert Frost 5675% 5676A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the 5677sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. 5678 -- Mark Twain 5679% 5680A beautiful woman is a blessing from Heaven, but a good cigar is a smoke. 5681 -- Kipling 5682% 5683A beautiful woman is a picture which drives all beholders nobly mad. 5684 -- Emerson 5685% 5686A beer delayed is a beer denied. 5687% 5688A beginning is the time for taking the 5689most delicate care that balances are correct. 5690 -- Princess Irulan, "Manual of Maud'Dib" 5691% 5692A billion here, a billion there -- pretty soon it adds up to real money. 5693 -- Sen. Everett Dirksen, on the U.S. defense budget 5694% 5695A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president. 5696A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ. 5697A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth. 5698A billion dollars ago was late yesterday afternoon at the U.S. Treasury. 5699% 5700A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on 5701a photo-safari in Africa. As they're driving along the savannah in their 5702jeep, they stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars. 5703 5704The biologist: "Look! A herd of zebras! And there's a white zebra! 5705 Fantastic! We'll be famous!" 5706The statistician: "Hey, calm down, it's not significant. We only know 5707 there's one white zebra." 5708The mathematician: "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is 5709 white on one side." 5710The computer scientist : "Oh, no! A special case!" 5711% 5712A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. 5713 -- Cervantes 5714% 5715A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring. 5716% 5717A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose. 5718% 5719A bit of talcum 5720Is always walcum 5721 -- Ogden Nash 5722% 5723A black cat crossing your path signifies 5724that the animal is going somewhere. 5725 -- Groucho Marx 5726% 5727A book is the work of a mind, doing its work in the way that a mind deems 5728best. That's dangerous. Is the work of some mere individual mind likely to 5729serve the aims of collectively accepted compromises, which are known in the 5730schools as 'standards'? Any mind that would audaciously put itself forth to 5731work all alone is surely a bad example for the students, and probably, if 5732not downright antisocial, at least a little off-center, self-indulgent, 5733elitist. ... It's just good pedagogy, therefore, to stay away from such 5734stuff, and use instead, if film-strips and rap-sessions must be 5735supplemented, 'texts,' selected, or prepared, or adapted, by real 5736professionals. Those texts are called 'reading material.' They are the 5737academic equivalent of the 'listening material' that fills waiting-rooms, 5738and the 'eating material' that you can buy in thousands of convenient eating 5739resource centers along the roads. 5740 -- The Underground Grammarian 5741% 5742A bore is a man who talks so much about 5743himself that you can't talk about yourself. 5744% 5745A bore is someone who persists in holding his 5746own views after we have enlightened him with ours. 5747% 5748A boss with no humor is like a job that's no fun. 5749% 5750A box without hinges, key, or lid, 5751Yet golden treasure inside is hid. 5752 -- J.R. Tolkien 5753% 5754A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance 5755of turning around three times before lying down. 5756 -- Robert Benchley 5757% 5758A boy gets to be a man when a man is needed. 5759 -- John Steinbeck 5760% 5761A budget is just a method of worrying 5762before you spend money, as well as afterward. 5763% 5764A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation. 5765% 5766A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected. 5767% 5768A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government by 5769hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to the West. They 5770drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and 5771found there was no pilot on board. Terrified, they listened as the sirens 5772got louder. Finally, one of the scientists suggested that since he was an 5773experimentalist, he would try to fly the aircraft. 5774 He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The sirens 5775got louder and louder. Armed men surrounded the jet. The would be pilot's 5776friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!! Hurry!!!" 5777 The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple 5778pole in a complex plane." 5779% 5780A bunch of the boys were whooping it in the Malemute saloon; 5781The kid that handles the music box was hitting a jag-time tune; 5782Back of the bar, in a solo game, sat Dangerous Dan McGrew, 5783And watching his luck was his light-o'-love, the lady that's known as Lou. 5784 -- Robert W. Service 5785% 5786A bureaucrat's idea of cleaning up his files 5787is to make a copy of everything before he destroys it. 5788% 5789A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator. 5790 -- Paul Valery 5791% 5792"A can of ASPARAGUS, 73 pigeons, some LIVE ammo, and a FROZEN DAIQURI!!" 5793 -- Zippy the Pinhead 5794% 5795A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich 5796and votes from the poor to protect them from each other. 5797% 5798A cannibal warrior is experiencing severe gastric distress, so he goes 5799to his Village Witch Doctor with his complaint. The VWD examines him 5800and, concluding that something he ate disagreed with him, began to cross 5801examine him about his recent diet. 5802 "Well, I ate a missionary yesterday. Do you think that could be 5803the problem?" 5804 The VWD says "Hmmmm." (All doctors say "Hmmmm.") "That could be. 5805Tell me a bit about this missionary." 5806 "Well, he was tall for a white man, wearing a brown robe. He was 5807walking down the trail, not watching for danger, so I speared him, dragged 5808him home, cleaned him, boiled him and ate him." 5809 "Ah-hah!" (All doctors say "Ah-hah!") There's your problem," smiles 5810the VWD. You boiled him, but he was a friar!" 5811% 5812A career is great, but you can't run your fingers through its hair. 5813% 5814A castaway was washed ashore after many days on the open sea. The island 5815on which he landed was populated by savage cannibals who tied him, dazed 5816and exhausted, to a thick stake. They then proceeded to cut his arms 5817with their spears and drink his blood. This continued for several days 5818until the castaway could stand no more. He yelled for the cannibal chief 5819and declared, "You can kill me if you want to, but this torture with the 5820spears has got to stop. Dammit, I'm tired of getting stuck for the drinks." 5821% 5822A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith 5823does not prove anything. 5824 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 5825% 5826A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness. 5827% 5828A certain amount of opposition is a help, not a hindrance. 5829Kites rise against the wind, not with it. 5830% 5831A certain monk had a habit of pestering the Grand Tortue (the only one who 5832had ever reached the Enlightenment 'Yond Enlightenment), by asking whether 5833various objects had Buddha-nature or not. To such a question Tortue 5834invariably sat silent. The monk had already asked about a bean, a lake, 5835and a moonlit night. One day he brought to Tortue a piece of string, and 5836asked the same question. In reply, the Grand Tortue grasped the loop 5837between his feet and, with a few simple manipulations, created a complex 5838string which he proffered wordlessly to the monk. At that moment, the monk 5839was enlightened. 5840 5841From then on, the monk did not bother Tortue. Instead, he made string after 5842string by Tortue's method; and he passed the method on to his own disciples, 5843who passed it on to theirs. 5844% 5845A certain old cat had made his home in the alley behind Gabe's bar for some 5846time, subsisting on scraps and occasional handouts from the bartender. One 5847evening, emboldened by hunger, the feline attempted to follow Gabe through 5848the back door. Regrettably, only the his body had made it through when 5849the door slammed shut, severing the cat's tail at its base. This proved too 5850much for the old creature, who looked sadly at Gabe and expired on the spot. 5851 Gabe put the carcass back out in the alley and went back to business. 5852The mandatory closing time arrived and Gabe was in the process of locking up 5853after the last customers had gone. Approaching the back door he was startled 5854to see an apparition of the old cat mournfully holding its severed tail out, 5855silently pleading for Gabe to put the tail back on its corpse so that it could 5856go on to the kitty afterworld complete. 5857 Gabe shook his head sadly and said to the ghost, "I can't. You know 5858the law -- no retailing spirits after 2:00 AM." 5859% 5860A Chicago salesman was about to check into a St. Louis hotel when he noticed 5861a very charming woman staring admiringly at him. He walked over and spoke 5862with her for a few minutes, then returned to the front desk, where they checked 5863in as Mr. and Mrs. 5864 After a very pleasurable three-day stay, the man approached the front 5865desk and told the clerk he was checking out. In a few minutes, he was handed 5866a bill for $2500. 5867 "There must be some mistake," the salesman said. "I've been here for 5868only three days." 5869 "Yes, sir," the clerk replied. "But your wife has been here a month 5870and a half." 5871% 5872A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs. 5873% 5874A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not mere 5875coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty trained, not 5876to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators. 5877 -- Dave Barry 5878% 5879A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on 5880Saturday and is going to do on Monday. 5881 -- Thomas Ybarra 5882% 5883A chronic disposition to inquiry 5884deprives domestic felines of vital qualities. 5885% 5886A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit 5887will approach you soon. Avoid him. He's a Commie. 5888% 5889A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but 5890won't cross the street to vote in a national election. 5891 -- Bill Vaughan 5892% 5893A city is a large community where people are lonesome together. 5894 -- Herbert Prochnow 5895% 5896A clash of doctrine is not a disaster - it is an opportunity. 5897% 5898A classic is something that everyone wants to have read 5899and nobody wants to read. 5900 -- Mark Twain, "The Disappearance of Literature" 5901% 5902A clever prophet makes sure of the event first. 5903% 5904A closed mouth gathers no foot. 5905% 5906A cloud does not know why it moves in just such a direction and at such 5907a speed, if feels an impulsion... this is the place to go now. But the 5908sky knows the reasons and the patterns behind all clouds, and you will 5909know, too, when you lift yourself high enough to see beyond horizons. 5910 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul 5911% 5912A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS: 5913 59141. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT. 5915 Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose 5916 valuable scientific objectivity. 5917 59182. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES. 5919 Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the 5920 gentleness and reassurance he can get. 5921 59223. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED. 5923 Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold. 5924% 5925A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS: 5926 59274. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF. 5928 You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into 5929 the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent 5930 disability you may have experienced. 5931 59325. NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING IT. 5933 It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be 5934 explained in terms that you would understand. 5935 59366. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMENTAL TREATMENT READILY. 5937 Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting 5938 research paper will surely be of widespread interest. 5939% 5940A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS: 5941 59427. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY. 5943 You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, 5944 to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians. 5945 59468. DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD. 5947 It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means. 5948 59499. NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT IN THE COURSE 5950 OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR. 5951 The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a 5952 sacred duty to protect him from exposure. 5953 595410. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE. 5955 This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment. 5956% 5957A Code of Honour: never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief 5958as your goal. There are too many women in the world to justify that sort of 5959dishonourable behaviour. Unless she's really attractive. 5960 -- Bruce J. Friedman, "Sex and the Lonely Guy" 5961% 5962A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours. 5963 -- Milton Berle 5964% 5965A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain. 5966 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love" 5967% 5968A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies, 5969scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom. 5970 -- Parkinson 5971% 5972A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth. 5973 -- R. Stallman 5974% 5975A company is known by the men it keeps. 5976% 5977A complex system that works is invariably 5978found to have evolved from a simple system that works. 5979% 5980A compliment is something like a kiss through a veil. 5981 -- Victor Hugo 5982% 5983[A computer is] like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy. 5984 -- Joseph Campbell 5985% 5986A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention, 5987with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequila. 5988 -- Mitch Ratcliffe 5989% 5990A computer salesman visits a company president for the purpose of selling 5991the president one of the latest talking computers. 5992Salesman: "This machine knows everything. I can ask it any question 5993 and it'll give the correct answer. Computer, what is the 5994 speed of light?" 5995Computer: 186,000 miles per second. 5996Salesman: "Who was the first president of the United States?" 5997Computer: George Washington. 5998President: "I'm still not convinced. Let me ask a question. 5999 Where is my father?" 6000Computer: Your father is fishing in Georgia. 6001President: "Hah!! The computer is wrong. My father died over twenty 6002 years ago!" 6003Computer: Your mother's husband died 22 years ago. Your father just 6004 landed a twelve pound bass. 6005% 6006A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken. 6007% 6008A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate 6009cake without ketchup and mustard. 6010% 6011A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking. 6012% 6013A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can 6014do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done. 6015 -- Fred Allen 6016% 6017A CONS is an object which cares. 6018 -- Bernie Greenberg. 6019% 6020A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run. 6021 -- Elbert Hubbard 6022% 6023A conservative is a man 6024who believes that nothing should be done for the first time. 6025 -- Alfred E. Wiggam 6026% 6027A conservative is a man 6028with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk. 6029 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt 6030% 6031A conservative is one who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run. 6032% 6033A couch is as good as a chair. 6034% 6035A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. 6036 -- B. Franklin 6037% 6038A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the 6039beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden. Immediately, 6040one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods 6041like the proverbial bat out of hell, and hot on his heels ran the Game 6042Warden. After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with 6043his hands on his thighs, whooping and heaving to catch his breath as the 6044Game Warden finally caught up to him. 6045 "Let's see yer fishin' license, boy," the Warden gasped. The 6046man pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing 6047license. 6048 "Well, son", snarled the Game Warden, "You must be about as dumb 6049as a box of rocks! You didn't have to run if you have a license!" 6050 "Yes, sir," replied his victim, "but, well, see, my friend back 6051there, he don't have one!" 6052% 6053A cousin of mine once said about money, 6054money is always there but the pockets change; 6055it is not in the same pockets after a change, 6056and that is all there is to say about money. 6057 -- Gertrude Stein 6058% 6059A cow is a completely automated milk-manufacturing machine. It is encased 6060in untanned leather and mounted on four vertical, movable supports, one at 6061each corner. The front end of the machine, or input, contains the cutting 6062and grinding mechanism, utilizing a unique feedback device. Here also are 6063the headlights, air inlet and exhaust, a bumper and a foghorn. 6064 At the rear, the machine carries the milk-dispensing equipment as 6065well as a built-in flyswatter and insect repeller. The central portion 6066houses a hydro- chemical-conversion unit. Briefly, this consists of four 6067fermentation and storage tanks connected in series by an intricate network 6068of flexible plumbing. This assembly also contains the central heating plant 6069complete with automatic temperature controls, pumping station and main 6070ventilating system. The waste disposal apparatus is located to the rear of 6071this central section. 6072 Cows are available fully-assembled in an assortment of sizes and 6073colors. Production output ranges from 2 to 20 tons of milk per year. In 6074brief, the main external visible features of the cow are: two lookers, two 6075hookers, four stander-uppers, four hanger-downers, and a swishy-wishy. 6076% 6077A critic is a bundle of biases held loosely together by a sense of taste. 6078 -- Whitney Balliett 6079% 6080A "critic" is a man who creates nothing and thereby feels 6081qualified to judge the work of creative men. There is logic 6082in this; he is unbiased -- he hates all creative people equally. 6083% 6084A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern. 6085 -- Edgar A. Shoaff 6086% 6087A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it? 6088% 6089A day without orange juice is like a day without orange juice. 6090% 6091A day without sunshine is like a day without Anita Bryant. 6092% 6093A day without sunshine is like a day without orange juice. 6094% 6095A day without sunshine is like night. 6096% 6097A dead man cannot bite. 6098 -- Gnaeus Pompeius (Pompey) 6099% 6100A debugged program is one for which you have 6101not yet found the conditions that make it fail. 6102 -- Jerry Ogdin 6103% 6104A decade after Vietnam, we still cannot understand why "their" 6105Salvadorans fight better than "our" Salvadorans. It is not a matter of 6106their training or their equipment. It has to do with the quality of the 6107society we are asking them to risk death defending. The metaphor of the 6108domino obscures this reality, and the cost our self-imposed blindness 6109is high. San Salvador is closer to Saigon than to Munich. 6110 -- William LeoGrande, "New York Times", 3/9/83 6111% 6112A Difficulty for Every Solution. 6113 -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service 6114% 6115A diplomat is a man who can convince his 6116wife she'd look stout in a fur coat. 6117% 6118A diplomat is a man who can tell you to 6119go to hell and make the trip sound pleasurable. 6120 -- Samuel Clemens 6121% 6122A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell 6123in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip. 6124 -- Caskie Stinnett, "Out of the Red" 6125% 6126A diplomat is man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never her age. 6127 -- Robert Frost 6128% 6129A diplomatic husband said to his wife, "How do you expect me to remember 6130your birthday when you never look any older?" 6131% 6132A diplomat's life consists of three things: protocol, Geritol, and alcohol. 6133 -- Adlai Stevenson 6134% 6135A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Was it true," the woman 6136inquired, "that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest 6137of her life?" 6138 She was told that it was. There was just a moment of silence before 6139the woman proceeded bravely on. "Well, I'm wondering, then, how serious my 6140condition is. This prescription is marked `NO REFILLS'". 6141% 6142A diva who specializes in risque arias is an off-coloratura soprano. 6143% 6144A doctor calls his patient to give him the results of his tests. "I have 6145some bad news," says the doctor, "and some worse news." The bad news is 6146that you only have six weeks to live." 6147 "Oh, no," says the patient. "What could possibly be worse than 6148that?" 6149 "Well," the doctor replies, "I've been trying to reach you since 6150last Monday." 6151% 6152A doctor was stranded with a lawyer in a leaky life raft in shark-infested 6153waters. The doctor tried to swim ashore but was eaten by the sharks. The 6154lawyer, however, swam safely past the bloodthirsty sharks. "Professional 6155courtesy," he explained. 6156% 6157A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. 6158 -- Ogden Nash 6159% 6160A drama critic is a person who surprises a playwright by informing him 6161what he meant. 6162 -- Wilson Mizner 6163% 6164A dream will always triumph over reality, once it is given the chance. 6165 -- Stanislaw Lem 6166% 6167A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to 6168a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate 6169a shilling. "Only a shilling?" exclaimed the man. "Only a shilling to bury 6170an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty of them." 6171% 6172A fail-safe circuit will destroy others. 6173 -- Klipstein 6174% 6175A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection. 6176% 6177A fair exterior is a silent recommendation. 6178 -- Publilius Syrus 6179% 6180A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer 6181should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around 6182she deserved. 6183 -- R.A. Heinlein 6184% 6185A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a Xerox 61861108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser. Wanting to help, 6187the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network with the mouse, and asked 6188"what do you see?" Very earnestly, the Undergraduate replied, "I see a 6189cursor." The Hacker then quickly pressed the boot toggle at the back of 6190the keyboard, while simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head 6191with a thick Interlisp Manual. The Undergraduate was then Enlightened. 6192% 6193A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. 6194 -- Winston Churchill 6195% 6196A farmer is a man outstanding in his field. 6197% 6198A feed salesman is on his way to a farm. As he's driving along at forty 6199m.p.h., he looks out his car window and sees a three-legged chicken running 6200alongside him, keeping pace with his car. He is amazed that a chicken is 6201running at forty m.p.h. So he speeds up to forty-five, fifty, then sixty 6202m.p.h. The chicken keeps right up with him the whole way, then suddenly 6203takes off and disappears into the distance. 6204 The man pulls into the farmyard and says to the farmer, "You know, 6205the strangest thing just happened to me; I was driving along at at least 6206sixty miles an hour and a chicken passed me like I was standing still!" 6207 "Yeah," the farmer replies, "that chicken was ours. You see, there's 6208me, and there's Ma, and there's our son Billy. Whenever we had chicken for 6209dinner, we would all want a drumstick, so we'd have to kill two chickens. 6210So we decided to try and breed a three-legged chicken so each of us could 6211have a drumstick." 6212 "How do they taste?" said the farmer. 6213 "Don't know," replied the farmer. "We haven't been able to catch 6214one yet." 6215% 6216A fellow bought a new car, a Nissan, and was quite happy with his purchase. 6217He was something of an animist, however, and felt that the car really ought 6218to have a name. This presented a problem, as he was not sure if the name 6219should be masculine or feminine. 6220 After considerable thought, he settled on an naming the car either 6221Belchazar or Beaumadine, but remained in a quandary about the final choice. 6222 "Is a Nissan male or female?" he began asking his friends. Most of 6223them looked at him peculiarly, mumbled things about urgent appointments, and 6224went on their way rather quickly. 6225 He finally broached the question to a lady he knew who held a black 6226belt in judo. She thought for a moment and answered "Feminine." 6227 The swiftness of her response puzzled him. "You're sure of that?" he 6228asked. 6229 "Certainly," she replied. "They wouldn't sell very well if they were 6230masculine." 6231 "Unhhh... Well, why not?" 6232 "Because people want a car with a reputation for going when you want 6233it to. And, if Nissan's are female, it's like they say... `Each Nissan, she 6234go!'" 6235 6236 [No, we WON'T explain it; go ask someone who practices an oriental 6237 martial art. (Tai Chi Chuan probably doesn't count.) Ed.] 6238% 6239A few hours grace before the madness begins again. 6240% 6241A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles. 6242% 6243A fisherman from Maine went to Alabama on his vacation. He rented a boat, 6244rowed out to the middle of the lake, and cast his line, but when he looked 6245down into the water he was horrified to see a man wrapped in chains lying 6246on the bottom of the lake. He quickly rowed to shore and ran to the police 6247station. "Sheriff, sheriff," he gasped, there's a guy wrapped in chains, 6248drowned in the lake!" 6249 "Now ain't that jest like a Yankee," drawled the sheriff, "to steal 6250more chain than he can swim with?" 6251% 6252A fitter fits; Though sinners sin 6253A cutter cuts; And thinners thin 6254And an aircraft spotter spots; And paper-blotters blot 6255A baby-sitter I've never yet 6256Baby-sits -- Had letters let 6257But an otter never ots. Or seen an otter ot. 6258 6259A batter bats 6260(Or scatters scats); 6261A potting shed's for potting; 6262But no one's found 6263A bounder bound 6264Or caught an otter otting. 6265 -- Ralph Lewin 6266% 6267A flashy Mercedes-Benz roared up to the curb where a cute young miss stood 6268waiting for a taxi. 6269 "Hi," said the gentleman at the wheel. "I'm going west." 6270 "How wonderful," came the cool reply. "Bring me back an orange." 6271% 6272A fool and his honey are soon parted. 6273% 6274A fool and his money are soon popular. 6275% 6276A fool and your money are soon partners. 6277% 6278A fool is a man who worries about whether or not his lover has integrity. 6279A wise man, on the other hand, busies himself with deeper attributes. 6280% 6281A fool must now and then be right by chance. 6282% 6283A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds. 6284 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 6285% 6286A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block 6287of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant. 6288% 6289A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into 6290superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education. 6291 -- G.B. Shaw 6292% 6293A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used. 6294 -- D. Gries 6295% 6296A Fortran compiler is the hobgoblin of little minis. 6297% 6298A fox is wolf who sends flowers. 6299 -- Ruth Weston 6300% 6301A freelance is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps. 6302 -- Robert Benchley 6303% 6304A friend in need is a pest indeed. 6305% 6306A friend is a present you give yourself. 6307 -- Robert Louis Stevenson 6308% 6309A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. 6310You'll just be walking down the street and... Ooohh, that's much better. 6311 -- Steven Wright 6312% 6313A friend of mine won't get a divorce, because he hates 6314lawyers more than he hates his wife. 6315% 6316A friend with weed is a friend indeed. 6317% 6318A full belly makes a dull brain. 6319 -- Ben Franklin 6320 6321 [and the local candy machine man. Ed] 6322% 6323A 'full' life in my experience is usually full only of other 6324people's demands. 6325% 6326A furore Normanorum libera nos, O Domine! 6327% 6328A gambler's biggest thrill is winning a bet. 6329His next biggest thrill is losing a bet. 6330% 6331A gangster assembled an engineer, a chemist, and a physicist. He explained 6332that he was entering a horse in a race the following week and the three 6333assembled guys had the job of assuring that the gangster's horse would win. 6334They were to reconvene the day before the race to tell the gangster how they 6335each propose to ensure a win. When they reconvened the gangster started with 6336the engineer: 6337 6338Gangster: OK, Mr. engineer, what have you got? 6339Engineer: Well, I've invented a way to weave metallic threads into the saddle 6340 blanket so that they will act as the plates of a battery and provide 6341 electrical shock to the horse. 6342G: That's very good! But let's hear from the chemist. 6343Chemist: I've synthesized a powerful stimulant that dissolves 6344 into simple blood sugars after ten minutes and therefore 6345 cannot be detected in post-race tests. 6346G: Excellent, excellent! But I want to hear from the physicist before 6347 I decide what to do. Physicist? 6348 6349Physicist: Well, first consider a spherical horse in simple harmonic motion... 6350% 6351A gentleman is a man who wouldn't hit a lady with his hat on. 6352 -- Evan Esar 6353 [ And why not? For why does she have his hat on? Ed.] 6354% 6355A gentleman never strikes a lady with his hat on. 6356 -- Fred Allen 6357% 6358A gift of a flower will soon be made to you. 6359% 6360A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely a coincidence. A girl and 6361a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another coincidence. But 6362when a girl gives a boy a dead squid, *that had to mean SOMETHING!* 6363% 6364A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident. 6365A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident. 6366But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *that had to mean something*. 6367 -- S. Morgenstern, "The Silent Gondoliers" 6368% 6369A girl with a future avoids the man with a past. 6370 -- Evan Esar, "The Humor of Humor" 6371% 6372A girl's best friend is her mutter. 6373 -- Dorothy Parker 6374% 6375A girl's conscience doesn't really keep her from doing anything wrong-- 6376it merely keeps her from enjoying it. 6377% 6378A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like 6379a quop without a fertsneet (sort of). 6380% 6381A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. 6382Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game. 6383The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it 6384had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably atop a nice 6385firm tuft of grass. 6386 -- Donald A. Metz 6387% 6388A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed in 6389the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the 6390rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between 6391the face of the club and the cover of the ball and the player should not be 6392penalized for the erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such 6393uncontrollable physical phenomena. 6394 -- Donald A. Metz 6395% 6396A good man always knows his limitations. 6397 -- Harry Callahan 6398% 6399A good marriage would be between a blind wife and deaf husband. 6400 -- Michel de Montaigne 6401% 6402A good memory does not equal pale ink. 6403% 6404A good name lost is seldom regained. When character is gone, 6405all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever. 6406 -- J. Hawes 6407% 6408A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow. 6409 -- Patton 6410% 6411A good reputation is more valuable than money. 6412 -- Publilius Syrus 6413% 6414A good scapegoat is hard to find. 6415% 6416A good supervisor can step on your toes without messing up your shine. 6417% 6418A GOOD WAY TO THREATEN somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you 6419call the guy and hold the burning fuse to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. 6420"That's dynamite, baby." 6421 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 6422% 6423A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to 6424you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to 6425you about yourself. 6426 -- Lisa Kirk 6427% 6428A gourmet restaurant in Cincinnati is one where you leave the tray on 6429the table after you eat. 6430% 6431A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart that looks at her watch. 6432 -- James Beard 6433% 6434A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough 6435to take it all away. 6436 -- Barry Goldwater 6437% 6438A grammarian's life is always intense. 6439% 6440A great empire, like a great cake, is most easily diminished at the edges. 6441 -- B. Franklin 6442% 6443A great many people think they are thinking 6444when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. 6445 -- William James 6446% 6447A green hunting cap squeezed the top of the fleshy balloon of a head. The 6448green earflaps, full of large ears and uncut hair and the fine bristles that 6449grew in the ears themselves, stuck out on either side like turn signals 6450indicating two directions at once. Full, pursed lips protruded beneath the 6451bushy black moustache and, at their corners, sank into little folds filled 6452with disapproval and potato chip crumbs. In the shadow under the green visor 6453of the cap Ignatius J. Reilly's supercilious blue and yellow eyes looked down 6454upon the other people waiting under the clock at the D.H. Holmes department 6455store, studying the crowd of people for signs of bad taste in dress. Several 6456of the outfits, Ignatius noticed, were new enough and expensive enough to be 6457properly considered offenses against taste and decency. Possession of 6458anything new or expensive only reflected a person's lack of theology and 6459geometry; it could even cast doubts upon one's soul. 6460 -- John Kennedy Toole, "Confederacy of Dunces" 6461% 6462A group of politicians deciding to dump a President because his morals 6463are bad is like the Mafia getting together to bump off the Godfather for 6464not going to church on Sunday. 6465 -- Russell Baker 6466% 6467A guilty conscience is the mother of invention. 6468 -- Carolyn Wells 6469% 6470A guy has to get fresh once in a while 6471so a girl doesn't lose her confidence. 6472% 6473A hacker does for love what others would not do for money. 6474% 6475A halted retreat 6476Is nerve-wracking and dangerous. 6477To retain people as men -- and maidservants 6478Brings good fortune. 6479% 6480A hammer sometimes misses its mark - a bouquet never. 6481% 6482A handful of friends is worth more than a wagon of gold. 6483% 6484A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains. 6485% 6486A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own 6487weight in other people's patience. 6488 -- John Updike 6489% 6490A help wanted add for a photo journalist asked the rhetorical question: 6491 6492If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save 6493a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning 6494photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would 6495you use? 6496 6497 -- Paul Harvey 6498% 6499A Hen Brooding Kittens 6500 A friend informs us that he saw at the Novato ranch, Marin county, 6501a few days since, a hen actually brooding and otherwise caring for three 6502kittens! The gentleman upon whose premises this strange event is transpiring 6503says the hen adopted the kittens when they were but a few days old, and that 6504she has devoted them her undivided care for several weeks past. The young 6505felines are now of respectable size, but they nevertheless follow the hen at 6506her cluckings, and are regularly brooded at night beneath her wings. 6507 -- Sacramento Daily Union, July 2, 1861 6508% 6509A hermit is a deserter from the army of humanity. 6510% 6511A holding company is a thing where you hand 6512an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you. 6513% 6514A Hollywood producer calls a friend, another producer on the phone. 6515 "Hello?" his friend answers. 6516 "Hi!" says the man. "This is Bob, how are you doing?" 6517 "Oh," says the friend, "I'm doing great! I just sold a screenplay 6518for two hundred thousand dollars. I've started a novel adaptation and the 6519studio advanced me fifty thousand dollars on it. I also have a television 6520series coming on next week, and everyone says it's going to be a big hit! 6521I'm doing *great*! How are you?" 6522 "Okay," says the producer, "give me a call when he leaves." 6523% 6524A homeowner's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a weekend for? 6525% 6526"A horrible little boy came up to me and said, `You know in your book 6527The Martian Chronicles?' I said, `Yes?' He said, `You know where you 6528talk about Deimos rising in the East?' I said, `Yes?' He said `No.' 6529-- So I hit him." 6530 -- attributed to Ray Bradbury 6531% 6532A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse! 6533 -- Wm. Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 6534% 6535A hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong! 6536% 6537A hundred years from now it is very likely that [of Twain's works] "The 6538Jumping Frog" alone will be remembered. 6539 -- Harry Thurston Peck (Editor of "The Bookman"), January 1901. 6540% 6541A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. 6542 -- Helen Rowland 6543% 6544A hypocrite is a person who ... but who isn't? 6545 -- Don Marquis 6546% 6547A hypothetical paradox: 6548 What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team, 6549who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial 6550Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet? 6551 -- Tom Galloway 6552% 6553A is for Amy who fell down the stairs, B is for Basil assaulted by bears. 6554C is for Clair who wasted away, D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh. 6555E is for Ernest who choked on a peach, F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech. 6556G is for George, smothered under a rug, H is for Hector, done in by a thug. 6557I is for Ida who drowned in the lake, J is for James who took lye, by mistake. 6558K is for Kate who was struck with an axe, L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks. 6559M is for Maud who was swept out to sea, N is for Nevil who died of enui. 6560O is for Olive, run through with an awl, P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl 6561Q is for Quinton who sank in a mire, R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire. 6562S is for Susan who parished of fits, T is for Titas who flew into bits. 6563U is for Una who slipped down a drain, V is for Victor, squashed under a train. 6564W is for Winie, embedded in ice, X is for Xercies, devoured by mice. 6565Y is for Yoric whose head was bashed in, Z is for Zilla who drank too much gin. 6566 -- Edward Gorey "The Gastly Crumb Tines" 6567% 6568A is for Apple. 6569 -- Hester Pryne 6570% 6571A is for awk, which runs like a snail, and 6572B is for biff, which reads all your mail. 6573C is for cc, as hackers recall, while 6574D is for dd, the command that does all. 6575E is for emacs, which rebinds your keys, and 6576F is for fsck, which rebuilds your trees. 6577G is for grep, a clever detective, while 6578H is for halt, which may seem defective. 6579I is for indent, which rarely amuses, and 6580J is for join, which nobody uses. 6581K is for kill, which makes you the boss, while 6582L is for lex, which is missing from DOS. 6583M is for more, from which less was begot, and 6584N is for nice, which it really is not. 6585O is for od, which prints out things nice, while 6586P is for passwd, which reads in strings twice. 6587Q is for quota, a Berkeley-type fable, and 6588R is for ranlib, for sorting ar table. 6589S is for spell, which attempts to belittle, while 6590T is for true, which does very little. 6591U is for uniq, which is used after sort, and 6592V is for vi, which is hard to abort. 6593W is for whoami, which tells you your name, while 6594X is, well, X, of dubious fame. 6595Y is for yes, which makes an impression, and 6596Z is for zcat, which handles compression. 6597 -- THE ABC'S OF UNIX 6598% 6599A joint is just tea for two. 6600% 6601A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance from Sam. 6602% 6603A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step. 6604 -- Lao Tsu 6605% 6606A journey of a thousand miles starts under one's feet. 6607 -- Lao Tsu 6608% 6609A jug of wine, a bowl of rice with it; 6610Earthen vessels 6611Simply handed in through the window. 6612There is certainly no blame in this. 6613% 6614A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer. 6615 -- Robert Frost 6616% 6617A key to the understanding of all religions is that a God's idea of a 6618good time is a game of Snakes and Ladders with greased rungs. 6619% 6620A kid'll eat the middle of an Oreo, eventually. 6621% 6622A kind of Batman of contemporary letters. 6623 -- Philip Larkin on Anthony Burgess 6624% 6625A king's castle is his home. 6626% 6627A kiss is a course of procedure, cunningly devised, 6628for the mutual stoppage of speech at a moment when 6629words are superfluous. 6630% 6631A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction. 6632% 6633A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally. 6634 -- Lillian Day 6635% 6636A lady with one of her ears applied 6637To an open keyhole heard, inside, 6638Two female gossips in converse free -- 6639The subject engaging them was she. 6640"I think", said one, "and my husband thinks 6641That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!" 6642As soon as no more of it she could hear 6643The lady, indignant, removed her ear. 6644"I will not stay," she said with a pout, 6645"To hear my character lied about!" 6646 -- Gopete Sherany 6647% 6648A language that doesn't affect the way you 6649think about programming is not worth knowing. 6650% 6651A language that doesn't have everything is 6652actually easier to program in than some that do. 6653 -- D.M. Ritchie 6654% 6655A lanky Texan was mad because Texas had just become the second largest state in 6656the Union, so he made up his mind to move to Alaska. He drove for three days 6657and three nights to get there and finally he came to what looked like the state 6658line. He halted his car and walked up to the border guard. "Hi, there! How 6659do I become a resident of this here biggest state?" demanded the Texan. 6660 The guard looked him up and down and grinned. "Waal," he answered, 6661there are three things you gotta do to get in. First, drink down a quart of 6662110 proof corn liquor without blinkin'. Second, kill a grizzly bear, and 6663third, make love to an Eskimo woman." 6664 "Sounds easy enough," said the Texan. "Where can I get a quart of 6665this here corn liquor?" 6666 "Got one right here," replied the guard. 6667 The Texan gulped down the whiskey without batting an eyelash. 6668"Now, do you happen to know where I can find me a grizzly?" 6669 "Yep," answered the guard, "there's a big b'ar over that way, 'bout 6670a mile... lives in a cave on that cliff." 6671 The Texan lurched merrily off. About an hour later he returned 6672with his clothes almost torn off and his face scratched and bloody. He was 6673smiling happily. "Now," he roared, "where's that damn Eskimo woman you 6674want killed?" 6675% 6676A large number of installed systems work by fiat. 6677That is, they work by being declared to work. 6678 -- Anatol Holt 6679% 6680A large spider in an old house built a beautiful web in which to catch flies. 6681Every time a fly landed on the web and was entangled in it the spider devoured 6682him, so that when another fly came along he would think the web was a safe and 6683quiet place in which to rest. One day a fairly intelligent fly buzzed around 6684above the web so long without lighting that the spider appeared and said, 6685"Come on down." But the fly was too clever for him and said, "I never light 6686where I don't see other flies and I don't see any other flies in your house." 6687So he flew away until he came to a place where there were a great many other 6688flies. He was about to settle down among them when a bee buzzed up and said, 6689"Hold it, stupid, that's flypaper. All those flies are trapped." "Don't be 6690silly," said the fly, "they're dancing." So he settled down and became stuck 6691to the flypaper with all the other flies. 6692 6693Moral: There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else. 6694 -- James Thurber, "The Fairly Intelligent Fly" 6695% 6696A Law of Computer Programming: 6697 Make it possible for programmers to write in English 6698 and you will find that programmers cannot write in English. 6699% 6700A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel. 6701 -- Robert Frost 6702% 6703A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment. 6704 -- Willis Player 6705% 6706A liberal is someone too poor to be a 6707capitalist, and too rich to be a communist. 6708% 6709A lie in time saves nine. 6710% 6711A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of 6712trouble. 6713 -- Adlai Stevenson 6714% 6715A life spent in search of the perfect hash brownie is a life well spent. 6716% 6717A lifetime isn't nearly long enough to figure out what it's all about. 6718% 6719A light wife doth make a heavy husband. 6720 -- Wm. Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" 6721% 6722A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility. 6723 -- Aristotle 6724% 6725A LISP programmer knows the value of 6726everything, but the cost of nothing. 6727 -- Alan Perlis 6728% 6729A list is only as strong as its weakest link. 6730 -- Don Knuth 6731% 6732A little experience often upsets a lot of theory. 6733% 6734A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation. 6735 -- C.E. Ayres 6736% 6737A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation. 6738 -- H.H. Munro, "Saki" 6739% 6740A little kid went up to Santa and asked him, "Santa, you know when I'm bad 6741right?" And Santa says, "Yes, I do." The little kid then asks, "And you 6742know when I'm sleeping?" To which Santa replies, "Every minute." So the 6743little kid then says, "Well, if you know when I'm bad and when I'm good, 6744then how come you don't know what I want for Christmas?" 6745% 6746A little retrospection shows that although many fine, useful software systems 6747have been designed by committees and built as part of multipart projects, 6748those software systems that have excited passionate fans are those that are 6749the products of one or a few designing minds, great designers. Consider Unix, 6750APL, Pascal, Modula, the Smalltalk interface, even Fortran; and contrast them 6751with Cobol, PL/I, Algol, MVS/370, and MS-DOS. 6752 -- Fred Brooks 6753% 6754A little word of doubtful number, 6755A foe to rest and peaceful slumber. 6756If you add an "s" to this, 6757Great is the metamorphosis. 6758Plural is plural now no more, 6759And sweet what bitter was before. 6760What am I? 6761% 6762A log may float in a river, but that does not make it a crocodile. 6763% 6764A long memory is the most subversive idea in America. 6765% 6766A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. 6767Buy the negatives at any price. 6768% 6769A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never. 6770% 6771A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths. 6772 -- Steve Wright 6773% 6774A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, 6775and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks. 6776 -- Lew Col 6777% 6778A lover without indiscretion is no lover at all. 6779 -- Thomas Hardy 6780% 6781A major, with wonderful force, 6782Called out in Hyde Park for a horse. 6783 All the flowers looked round, 6784 But no horse could be found; 6785So he just rhododendron, of course. 6786% 6787A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car. 6788 -- Carrie Snow 6789% 6790A man always needs to remember one thing about 6791a beautiful woman. Somewhere, somebody's tired of her. 6792% 6793A man always remembers his first love with special 6794tenderness, but after that begins to bunch them. 6795 -- Mencken 6796% 6797A man arrived home early to find his wife in the arms of his best friend, 6798who swore how much they were in love. To quiet the enraged husband, the 6799lover suggested, "Friends shouldn't fight, let's play gin rummy. If I win, 6800you get a divorce so I can marry her. If you win, I promise never to see 6801her again. Okay?" 6802 "Alright," agreed the husband. "But how about a quarter a point 6803on the side to make it interesting?" 6804% 6805A man can have two, maybe three love affairs while he's married. After 6806that it's cheating. 6807 -- Yves Montand 6808% 6809A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen 6810or twenty mistakes she's a tramp. 6811 -- Joan Rivers 6812% 6813A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there himself. 6814 -- Du Bois 6815% 6816A man fell off a mountain and, as he fell, saw a branch and grabbed for it. 6817By superhuman effort he was able to get a precarious grip on it. As he 6818was hanging there for dear life, he looked up and cried out, 6819 "Is anybody there?" 6820A deep majestic voice answered, 6821 "Yes my son, I am here. What do you need?" 6822 "Help me!!" cried the man. 6823 "I will help you", said the voice, "Just let go of the branch and 6824you'll be safe. All you have to do is trust." 6825The man thought for a moment and cried out: 6826 "Anybody ELSE up there?" 6827% 6828A man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles 6829in the road. 6830 -- Alexander Smith 6831% 6832A man goes into a bar and begins to tell a Polish joke. The man sitting 6833next to him, a big hulking powerhouse, turns and says menacingly, "*I'm* 6834Polish." 6835 He then calls out, "Ivan! Come over here and bring your brother." 6836Two men, bigger than the first, appear from the back room. 6837 "Josef!" the man calls out, "come here a second, and bring Lendl 6838with you." Two more men appear, and all five men crowd around the man with 6839the joke. 6840 "Now," says the first Polish man, "do you want to finish that joke?" 6841 "Nah," says the man. 6842 "Oh, no? And why not? I'm sure it was very funny," says the Polish 6843man, opening and closing his fist. "Are you scared?" 6844 "No," replies the man. "I just don't feel like having to explain it 6845five times." 6846% 6847A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished. 6848 -- Zsa Zsa Gabor, "Newsweek" 6849% 6850A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him. 6851 -- Brendan Francis 6852% 6853A man is crawling through the Sahara desert when he is approached by another 6854man riding on a camel. When the rider gets close enough, the crawling man 6855whispers through his sun-parched lips, "Water... please... can you give... 6856water..." 6857 "I'm sorry," replies the man on the camel, "I don't have any water 6858with me. But I'd be delighted to sell you a necktie." 6859 "Tie?" whispers the man. "I need *water*." 6860 "They're only four dollars apiece." 6861 "I need *water*." 6862 "Okay, okay, say two for seven dollars." 6863 "Please! I need *water*!", says the man. 6864 "I don't have any water, all I have are ties," replies the salesman, 6865and he heads off into the distance. 6866 The man, losing track of time, crawls for what seems like days. 6867Finally, nearly dead, sun-blind and with his skin peeling and blistering, he 6868sees a restaurant in the distance. Summoning the last of his strength he 6869staggers up to the door and confronts the head waiter. 6870 "Water... can I get... water," the dying man manages to stammer. 6871 "I'm sorry, sir, ties required." 6872% 6873A man is known by the company he organizes. 6874 -- A. Bierce 6875% 6876A man is like a rusty wheel on a rusty cart, 6877He sings his song as he rattles along and then he falls apart. 6878 -- Richard Thompson 6879% 6880A man is only as old as the woman he feels. 6881 -- Groucho Marx 6882% 6883A man is walking along when he sees a funeral procession going by, the 6884longest procession he's ever seen. It seems to consist of the hearse, 6885followed by a man with a Doberman on a leash, followed by several hundred 6886other men. After watching for a few minutes, he can restrain his curiosity 6887no longer, and walks up to one of the mourners. 6888 "Excuse me, sir, I don't mean to bother you in your moment of grief, 6889but this is the strangest procession I've ever seen. What happened, who is 6890the funeral for?" 6891 "Well, it's nothing special, really, the funeral is for the mother- 6892in-law of the man at the front of the procession. You see, his Doberman 6893attacked and killed her." 6894 "That's awful!", replies the onlooker. "But... um... tell me, you 6895don't think he'd let me borrow that dog, do you?" 6896 "Get in line, buddy," replies the mourner, "get in line." 6897% 6898A man is walking down the street when he sees a man with four arms, and 6899antennae coming out of his head. He goes up to him and says, "You're not 6900from around here, are you?" 6901 "No," replies the man with the antennae. 6902 "You know," continues the man, "I don't think you're an American, 6903either. In fact, I bet you don't even come from this planet!" 6904 "Right again," says the man with four arms. "I'm from Mars." 6905 "Well," says the man, "that's quite some configuration you've got 6906there, with those four arms and those antennae and everything." 6907 "We Martians all have four arms and antennae." 6908 "Well, that's just amazing," replies the man, "and how about that 6909big gold colored plate in the middle of your chest, what's that, do all 6910Martians have that?" 6911 "Well, no," says the Martian. "Not the *goyim*." 6912% 6913A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be 6914bothered with sex and all that sort of thing. 6915 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle" 6916% 6917A man may be so much of everything that he is nothing of anything. 6918 -- Samuel Johnson 6919% 6920A man may sometimes be forgiven the kiss to which he is not entitled, 6921but never the kiss he has not the initiative to claim. 6922% 6923A man may well bring a horse to the water, 6924but he cannot make him drink with he will. 6925 -- John Heywood 6926% 6927A man of genius makes no mistakes. 6928His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery. 6929 -- James Joyce, "Ulysses" 6930% 6931A man paints with his brains and not with his hands. 6932% 6933A man said to the Universe: 6934 "Sir, I exist!" 6935 "However," replied the Universe, 6936 "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation." 6937 -- Stephen Crane 6938% 6939A man took his wife deer hunting for the first time. After he'd given her 6940some basic instructions, they agreed to separate and rendezvous later. Before 6941he left, he warned her if she should fell a deer to be wary of hunters who 6942might beat her to the carcass and claim the kill. If that happened, he told 6943her, she should fire her gun three times into the air and he would come to 6944her aid. 6945 Shortly after they separated, he heard a single shot, followed quickly 6946by the agreed upon signal. Running to the scene, he found his wife standing 6947in a small clearing with a very nervous man staring down her gun barrel. 6948 "He claims this is his," she said, obviously very upset. 6949 "She can keep it, she can keep it!" the wide-eyed man replied. "I 6950just want to get my saddle back!" 6951% 6952A man usually falls in love with a woman who asks the kinds of questions 6953he is able to answer. 6954 -- Ronald Colman 6955% 6956A man was griping to his friend about how he hated to go home after a 6957late card games. 6958 "You wouldn't believe what I go through to avoid waking my wife," 6959he said. "First, I kill the engine a block away from the house and coast 6960into the garage. Then I open the door slowly, take off my shoes, and 6961tiptoe to our room. But just as I'm about to slide into bed, she always 6962wakes up and gives me hell." 6963 "I make a big racket when I go home," his friend replied. 6964 "You do?" 6965 "Sure. I honk the horn, slam the door, turn on all the lights, 6966stomp up to the bedroom and give my wife a big kiss. `Hi, Alice,' I say. 6967`How about a little smooch for your old man?'" 6968 "And what does she say?" his friend asked in disbelief. 6969 "She doesn't say anything," his buddy replied. "She always pretends 6970she's asleep." 6971% 6972A man was kneeling by a grave in a cemetery, crying and praying very loudly, 6973 "Oh why..eeeee did you die...eeeeee, Oh Why..eeeeee, 6974why did you Di......eeee" 6975The caretaker walks up, pardons himself and asks politely, 6976 "Excuse me, sir, but I've been seeing you for hours now, 6977carrying on at this grave. You must have been very close to the deceased." 6978 "No, I never met him. Oh why....eeeee did you dieeeeee, 6979why....eeeee did you.." 6980 "Sir, you say you never met this person, yet you carry on so? 6981Tell, me who is buried here?" 6982 "My wife's first husband." 6983% 6984A man who cannot seduce men cannot save them either. 6985 -- Soren Kierkegaard 6986% 6987A man who carries a cat by its tail learns something he can learn 6988in no other way. 6989% 6990A man who fishes for marlin in ponds 6991will put his money in Etruscan bonds. 6992% 6993A man who likes to lie in bed can usually 6994find a girl willing to listen to him. 6995% 6996A man who turns green has eschewed protein. 6997% 6998A man with 3 wings and a dictionary is cousin to the turkey. 6999% 7000A man with one watch knows what time it is. 7001A man with two watches is never quite sure. 7002% 7003A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle. 7004% 7005A man without a woman is like a fish without gills. 7006% 7007A man without a woman is like a statue without pigeons. 7008% 7009A man would still do something out of sheer perversity - he would create 7010destruction and chaos - just to gain his point... and if all this could in 7011turn be analyzed and prevented by predicting that it would occur, then man 7012would deliberately go mad to prove his point. 7013 -- Feodor Dostoevsky, "Notes From the Underground" 7014% 7015A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package. 7016% 7017A man's best friend is his dogma. 7018% 7019A man's gotta know his limitations. 7020 -- Clint Eastwood, "Dirty Harry" 7021% 7022A man's house is his castle. 7023 -- Sir Edward Coke 7024% 7025A man's house is his hassle. 7026% 7027A master was asked the question, "What is the Way?" by a curious monk. 7028 "It is right before your eyes," said the master. 7029 "Why do I not see it for myself?" 7030 "Because you are thinking of yourself." 7031 "What about you: do you see it?" 7032 "So long as you see double, saying `I don't', and `you do', and so 7033on, your eyes are clouded," said the master. 7034 "When there is neither `I' nor `You', can one see it?" 7035 "When there is neither `I' nor `You', 7036who is the one that wants to see it?" 7037% 7038A mathematician, a doctor, and an engineer are walking on the beach and 7039observe a team of lifeguards pumping the stomach of a drowned woman. As 7040they watch, water, sand, snails and such come out of the pump. 7041 The doctor watches for a while and says: "Keep pumping, men, you may 7042yet save her!!" 7043 The mathematician does some calculations and says: "According to my 7044understanding of the size of that pump, you have already pumped more water 7045from her body than could be contained in a cylinder 4 feet in diameter and 70466 feet high." 7047 The engineer says: "I think she's sitting in a puddle." 7048% 7049A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems. 7050 -- P. Erdos 7051% 7052A meeting is an event at which the 7053minutes are kept and the hours are lost. 7054% 7055A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, 7056but to protect the writer. 7057 -- Dean Acheson 7058% 7059A method of solution is perfect if we can foresee from the start, 7060and even prove, that following that method we shall attain our aim. 7061 -- Leibniz 7062% 7063A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed 7064on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new 7065game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the 7066pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly 7067along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their 7068heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn 7069around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite 7070direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the 7071paper reports "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin 7072colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins 7073fall over gently onto their backs. 7074 -- Audobon Society Magazine 7075% 7076A mighty creature is the germ, 7077Though smaller than the pachyderm. 7078His customary dwelling place 7079Is deep within the human race. 7080His childish pride he often pleases 7081By giving people strange diseases. 7082Do you, my poppet, feel infirm? 7083You probably contain a germ. 7084 -- Ogden Nash 7085% 7086A mind is a wonderful thing to waste. 7087% 7088A modem is a baudy house. 7089% 7090A modest woman, dressed out in all her finery, 7091is the most tremendous object in the whole creation. 7092 -- Goldsmith 7093% 7094A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a good 7095many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious scruples and 7096the police. 7097 -- Mr. Dooley 7098% 7099A mother mouse was taking her large brood for a stroll across the kitchen 7100floor one day when the local cat, by a feat of stealth unusual even for 7101its species, managed to trap them in a corner. The children cowered, 7102terrified by this fearsome beast, plaintively crying, "Help, Mother! 7103Save us! Save us! We're scared, Mother!" 7104 Mother Mouse, with the hopeless valor of a parent protecting its 7105children, turned with her teeth bared to the cat, towering huge above them, 7106and suddenly began to bark in a fashion that would have done any Doberman 7107proud. The startled cat fled in fear for its life. 7108 As her grateful offspring flocked around her shouting "Oh, Mother, 7109you saved us!" and "Yay! You scared the cat away!" she turned to them 7110purposefully and declared, "You see how useful it is to know a second 7111language?" 7112% 7113A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, 7114and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes. 7115 -- Frost 7116% 7117A motion to adjourn is always in order. 7118% 7119A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese. 7120% 7121A mushroom cloud has no silver lining. 7122% 7123A musician, an artist, an architect: 7124 the man or woman who is not one of these is not a Christian. 7125 -- William Blake 7126% 7127A myth is a religion in which no-one any longer believes. 7128 -- James Feibleman, "Understanding Philosophy" 7129% 7130A narcissist is anyone better-looking than you. 7131 -- Gore Vidal 7132% 7133A narcissist is someone better looking than you are. 7134 -- Gore Vidal 7135% 7136A nasty looking dwarf throws a knife at you. 7137% 7138A national debt, if it is not excessive, 7139will be to us a national blessing. 7140 -- Alexander Hamilton 7141% 7142A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey. "It is out on 7143loan," the teacher replied. At that moment, the donkey brayed loudly inside 7144the stable. "But I can hear it bray, over there." "Whom do you believe," 7145asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?" 7146% 7147A new 'chutist had just jumped from the plane at 10,000 feet, and soon 7148discovered that all his lines were hopelessly tangled. At about 5,000 feet, 7149still struggling, he noticed someone coming up from the ground at about the 7150same speed as he was going towards the ground. As they passed each other at 71513,000 feet, the 'chutist yells, "HEY! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PARACHUTES?" 7152 The reply came, fading towards the end, "NO! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING 7153ABOUT COLEMAN STOVES?" 7154% 7155A new koan: 7156 If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you. 7157 If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you. 7158It is an ice cream koan. 7159% 7160A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary. 7161Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a `round tuit' 7162now has no excuse for further procrastination. 7163% 7164A new taste had been acquired and a new appetite began to grow. The time 7165had long since arrived to crush the technical intelligentsia, which had 7166come to regard itself as too irreplaceable and had not gotten used to 7167catching instructions on the wing. In other words, we never did trust 7168the engineers - and from the very first years of the Revolution we saw to 7169it that those lackeys and servants of former capitalist bosses were kept 7170in line by healthy suspicion and surveillance by the workers. 7171 -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago" 7172% 7173A New Way of Taking Pills 7174 A physician one night in Wisconsin being disturbed by a burglar, and 7175having no ball or shot for his pistol, noiselessly loaded the weapon with 7176small, hard pills, and gave the intruder a "prescription" which he thinks 7177will go far towards curing the rascal of a very bad ailment. 7178 -- Nevada Morning Transcript, January 30, 1861 7179% 7180A New Yorker is riding down the road in his new Mercedes. So intent is he 7181on the cocaine in his hand he completely misses a turn and his car plunges 7182over the five-hundred-foot cliff to be smashed into pieces at the bottom. 7183As the on-lookers rush to the edge of the cliff they see him fifty feet 7184from the top of the cliff clinging to a stunted bush with all his strength. 7185"Dear Lord," he prays, "I never asked you for nothin' before, but I'm askin' 7186you now: Save me, Lord, save me." 7187 Booms the Lord: "LET GO OF THE BRANCH." 7188 "But Lord, if I do that, I'll fall!" 7189 "TRUST ME, LET GO OF THE BRANCH." 7190 "But Lord, I'm gonna fall and die..." 7191 "TRUST ME TO SAVE YOU. LET GO OF THE BRANCH." 7192 Okay, Lord, I'll trust you, here I... here I go!" And he falls 7193to his death. 7194 "DUMB YANKEE." 7195% 7196A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd gathered 7197by the side of the street. Curiosity got the better of him and he leaned 7198out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on. The fellow explained 7199that a protestor against the U.S. position in South America had doused 7200himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. "That's terrible," gasped 7201the man. "But why is everyone still standing around?" 7202 "Well, they're taking up a collection for his wife and kids," the 7203onlooker explained. "Would you be willing to help?" 7204 "Well, sure," replied the New Yorker. "I suppose I could spare a 7205gallon or two." 7206% 7207A newspaper is a circulating library with high blood pressure. 7208 -- Arthure "Bugs" Baer 7209% 7210A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. 7211 -- Yogi Berra 7212% 7213A Nixon [is preferable to] a Dean Rusk -- who will be 7214passionately wrong with a high sense of consistency. 7215 -- J.K. Galbraith 7216% 7217A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms. 7218 -- Phyllis Schlafly 7219% 7220A novice asked the Master: "Here is a programmer that never designs, 7221documents or tests his programs. Yet all who know him consider him 7222one of the bests programmer in the world. Why is this?" 7223 The Master replies: "That programmer has mastered the Tao. He has 7224gone beyond the need for design; he does not become angry when the system 7225crashes, but accepts the universe without concern. He has gone beyond the 7226need for documentation; he no longer cares if anyone else sees his code. 7227He has gone beyond the need for testing; each of his programs are perfect 7228within themselves, serene and elegant, their purpose self-evident. Truly, 7229he has entered the mystery of Tao." 7230% 7231A novice of the temple once approached the Chief Priest with a question. 7232 7233"Master, does Emacs have the Buddha nature?" the novice asked. 7234 7235The Chief Priest had been in the temple for many years and could be 7236relied upon to know these things. He thought for several minutes 7237before replying. 7238 7239"I don't see why not. It's got bloody well everything else." 7240 7241With that, the Chief Priest went to lunch. The novice suddenly achieved 7242enlightenment, several years later. 7243 7244Commentary: 7245 7246His Master is kind, 7247Answering his FAQ quickly, 7248With thought and sarcasm. 7249% 7250A nuclear war can ruin your whole day. 7251% 7252A pain in the ass of major dimensions. 7253 -- C.A. Desoer, on the solution of non-linear circuits 7254% 7255A Parable of Modern Research: 7256 7257 Bob has lost his keys in a room which is dark except for one 7258brightly lit corner. 7259 "Why are you looking under the light, you lost them in the dark!" 7260 "I can only see here." 7261% 7262A paranoid is a man who knows a little of what's going on. 7263 -- William S. Burroughs 7264% 7265A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants. 7266% 7267A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space. 7268 -- Gloria Steinem 7269% 7270A pencil with no point needs no eraser. 7271% 7272"A penny for your thoughts?" 7273"A dollar for your death." 7274 -- The Odd Couple 7275% 7276A penny saved has not been spent. 7277% 7278A penny saved is a penny taxed. 7279% 7280A penny saved is ridiculous. 7281% 7282A penny saved kills your career in government. 7283% 7284A people living under the perpetual menace of war and invasion is very easy to 7285govern. It demands no social reforms. It does not haggle over expenditures 7286on armaments and military equipment. It pays without discussion, it ruins 7287itself, and that is an excellent thing for the syndicates of financiers and 7288manufacturers for whom patriotic terrors are an abundant source of gain. 7289 -- Anatole France 7290% 7291A perfectly honest woman, a woman who never flatters, who never manages, 7292who never cajoles, who never conceals, who never uses her eyes, who never 7293speculates on the effect which she produces, who never is conscious of 7294unspoken admiration, what a monster, I say, would such a female be! 7295 -- Thackeray 7296% 7297A person forgives only when they are in the wrong. 7298% 7299A person is just about as big as the things that make him angry. 7300% 7301A person who has both feet planted firmly 7302in the air can be safely called a liberal. 7303% 7304A person who has nothing looks at all there is and wants something. 7305A person who has something looks at all there is and wants all the rest. 7306% 7307A person who is more than casually interested in computers should be well 7308schooled in machine language, since it is a fundamental part of a computer. 7309 -- Donald Knuth 7310% 7311A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist. 7312 -- Elbert Hubbard 7313% 7314A physicist is an atoms way of knowing about atoms. 7315 -- George Wald 7316% 7317A pickup with three guys in it pulls into the lumber yard. One of the men 7318gets out and goes into the office. 7319 "I need some four-by-two's," he says. 7320 "You must mean two-by-four's" replies the clerk. 7321 The man scratches his head. "Wait a minute," he says, "I'll go 7322check." 7323 Back, after an animated conversation with the other occupants of the 7324truck, he reassures the clerk, that, yes, in fact, two-by-fours would be 7325acceptable. 7326 "OK," says the clerk, writing it down, "how long you want 'em?" 7327 The guy gets the blank look again. "Uh... I guess I better go 7328check," he says. 7329 He goes back out to the truck, and there's another animated 7330conversation. The guy comes back into the office. "A long time," he says, 7331"we're building a house". 7332% 7333A pig is a jolly companion, 7334Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt -- 7335A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale, 7336Though mountains may topple and tilt. 7337When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you, 7338When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig, 7339Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover, 7340You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig, 7341You'll never go wrong with a pig! 7342 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" 7343% 7344A pipe gives a wise man time to think 7345and a fool something to stick in his mouth. 7346% 7347A place for everything and everything in its place. 7348 -- Isabella Mary Beeton, "The Book of Household Management" 7349 7350 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 7351 referring to memory management system services.] 7352% 7353A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it. 7354 -- Stanley Baldwin 7355% 7356A plethora of individuals with expertise in culinary techniques 7357contaminate the potable concoction produced by steeping certain 7358edible nutriments. 7359% 7360A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs. 7361% 7362A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits. 7363% 7364A Polish worker walks into a bank to deposit his paycheck. He has heard 7365about Poland's economic problems, and he asks what would happen to his 7366money if the bank collapsed. "All of our deposits are guaranteed by the 7367finance ministry, sir," the teller replies. 7368 "But what if the finance ministry goes broke?" the worker asks. 7369 "Then the government will intercede to protect the working class," 7370the teller says. 7371 "But what if the government goes broke?" the worker asks. 7372 "Our socialist comrades in the Soviet Union naturally will come 7373to our assistance," the teller responds with growing irritation. 7374 "And if the Soviet Union goes broke?" the worker asks. 7375 "Idiot!" the teller snorts. "Isn't that worth losing one lousy 7376paycheck?" 7377 -- Making the rounds in Warsaw, 1984 7378% 7379A political man can have as his aim the realization of freedom, 7380but he has no means to realize it other than through violence. 7381 -- Jean Paul Sartre 7382% 7383A possum must be himself, and being himself he is honest. 7384 -- Walt Kelly 7385% 7386A pound of salt will not sweeten a single cup of tea. 7387% 7388A "practical joker" deserves applause for his wit according to its quality. 7389Bastinado is about right. For exceptional wit one might grant keelhauling. 7390But staking him out on an anthill should be reserved for the very wittiest. 7391 -- Lazarus Long 7392% 7393A prediction is worth twenty explanations. 7394 -- K. Brecher 7395% 7396A pretty foot is one of the greatest gifts of nature... please send me your 7397last pair of shoes, already worn out in dancing... so I can have something 7398of yours to press against my heart. 7399 -- Goethe 7400% 7401A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything. 7402% 7403A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the devil. 7404Replied Voltaire, "This is no time to make new enemies." 7405% 7406A priest asked: What is Fate, Master? 7407 7408 And the Master answered: 7409 It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence. 7410It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs. 7411 7412 It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City 7413to City upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns 7414have come to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness. 7415 7416 And that is Fate? said the priest. 7417 7418 Fate... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master. 7419 7420 That's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know 7421what Freight was too. 7422 -- Kehlog Albran 7423% 7424A prig is a fellow who is always making you a present of his opinions. 7425 -- George Eliot 7426% 7427A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then 7428asks you not to kill him. 7429 -- Sir Winston Churchill, 1952 7430% 7431A private sin is not so prejudicial in the world as a public indecency. 7432 -- Miguel de Cervantes 7433% 7434A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. 7435% 7436A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of 7437being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite series of 7438incomprehensible answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague 7439assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive documents 7440and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of 7441dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of 7442annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was 7443unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place. 7444 -- IEEE Grid newsmagazine 7445% 7446A programming language is low level 7447when its programs require attention to the irrelevant. 7448% 7449A prohibitionist is the sort of man one wouldn't care to 7450drink with -- even if he drank. 7451 -- Mencken 7452% 7453A prominent broadcaster, on a big-game safari in Africa, was taken to a 7454watering hole where the life of the jungle could be observed. As he 7455looked down from his tree platform and described the scene into his 7456tape recorder, he saw two gnus grazing peacefully. So preoccupied were 7457they that they failed to observe the approach of a pride of lions led 7458by two magnificent specimens, obviously the leaders. The lions charged, 7459killed the gnus, and dragged them into the bushes where their feasting 7460could not be seen. A little while later the two kings of the jungle 7461emerged and the radioman recorded on his tape: "Well, that's the end of 7462the gnus and here, once again, are the head lions." 7463% 7464A promiscuous person is usually someone who is 7465getting more sex than you are. 7466 -- Victor Lownes 7467% 7468A proper wife should be as obedient as a slave... The female is a female 7469by virtue of a certain lack of qualities -- a natural defectiveness. 7470 -- Aristotle 7471% 7472A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions 7473your wife asks you for nothing. 7474 -- Joey Adams 7475% 7476A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that 7477your wife will give you for free. 7478% 7479A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as 7480"you could blow it in" may be blown in. This rule does not apply if 7481the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants 7482to make a travesty of the game. 7483 -- Donald A. Metz 7484% 7485A rabbi and a priest are sitting together on a train, and the rabbi leans 7486over and asks, "So, how high can you advance in your organization?" 7487 The priest replies, "Well, if I am lucky, I guess I could become a 7488Bishop." 7489 "Well, could you get any higher than that?" 7490 "I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I 7491might be made an Archbishop." 7492 "Is there any way that you might go higher than that?" 7493 "If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal." 7494 "Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?" 7495 Hesitating a little bit, the priest said, "I suppose that I could 7496be elected Pope, but only if it's God's will." 7497 "And could you be anything higher than that, is there any way to go 7498up from being the Pope?" 7499 "What?! I should be the Messiah himself?!" 7500 The rabbi leaned back and smiled. "One of our boys made it." 7501% 7502A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results 7503blacked out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon. 7504 -- Steel City News 7505% 7506A racially integrated community is a chronological term timed from the 7507entrance of the first black family to the exit of the last white family. 7508 -- Saul Alinsky 7509% 7510A real diplomat is one who can cut his neighbor's throat without having 7511his neighbour notice it. 7512 -- Trygve Lie 7513% 7514A real estate agent, looking over a farmer's house for possible sale, 7515commented to the farmer how sturdy the house looked. 7516 The farmer replied, "Yep, built it with my bare hands... did it 7517the hard way. The steps to the front door, here, carved 'em out of 7518field stones... did it the hard way. That hardwood floor in the living 7519room, dovetailed the pieces myself... did it the hard way. The ceiling 7520beams, made 'em out of my own oak trees... did it the hard way." 7521 Just then, the farmer's gorgeous daughter walked in. The farmer 7522looks over at the real estate agent who is trying not to stare too 7523obviously and smiles. "Yep... standing up in a canoe." 7524% 7525A real friend isn't someone you use once and then throw away. 7526A real friend is someone you can use over and over again. 7527% 7528A real gentleman never takes bases unless he really has to. 7529 -- Overheard in an algebra lecture. 7530% 7531A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking 7532ticket and rejoices that the system works. 7533% 7534A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen 7535objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer 7536scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added concentration 7537needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three dimensional objects. 7538% 7539A rich man told me recently that a liberal is a man who tells other 7540people what to do with their money. 7541 -- Imamu Amiri Baraka (Leroi Jones) 7542% 7543A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you. 7544 -- Ramsey Clark 7545% 7546A robin redbreast in a cage 7547Puts all Heaven in a rage. 7548 -- Blake 7549% 7550A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single 7551man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral. 7552 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery 7553% 7554A rolling disk gathers no MOS. 7555% 7556A rolling stone gathers momentum. 7557% 7558A rolling stone gathers no moss. 7559 -- Publilius Syrus 7560% 7561A Roman divorced from his wife, being highly blamed by his friends, who 7562demanded, "Was she not chaste? Was she not fair? Was she not fruitful?" 7563holding out his shoe, asked them whether it was not new and well made. 7564Yet, added he, none of you can tell where it pinches me. 7565 -- Plutarch 7566% 7567A rope lying over the top of a fence is the same length on each side. It 7568weighs one third of a pound per foot. On one end hangs a monkey holding a 7569banana, and on the other end a weight equal to the weight of the monkey. 7570The banana weighs two ounces per inch. The rope is as long (in feet) as 7571the age of the monkey (in years), and the weight of the monkey (in ounces) 7572is the same as the age of the monkey's mother. The combined age of the 7573monkey and its mother is thirty years. One half of the weight of the monkey, 7574plus the weight of the banana, is one forth as much as the weight of the 7575weight and the weight of the rope. The monkey's mother is half as old as 7576the monkey will be when it is three times as old as its mother was when she 7577she was half as old as the monkey will be when when it is as old as its mother 7578will be when she is four times as old as the monkey was when it was twice 7579as its mother was when she was one third as old as the monkey was when it 7580was old as is mother was when she was three times as old as the monkey was 7581when it was one fourth as old as it is now. How long is the banana? 7582% 7583A rose is a rose is a rose. Just ask Jean Marsh, known to millions of 7584PBS viewers in the '70s as Rose, the maid on the BBC export "Upstairs, 7585Downstairs." Though Marsh has since gone on to other projects, ... it's 7586with Rose she's forever identified. So much so that she even likes to 7587joke about having one named after her, a distinction not without its 7588drawbacks. "I was very flattered when I heard about it, but when I looked 7589up the official description, it said, `Jean Marsh: pale peach, not very 7590good in beds; better up against a wall.' I want to tell you that's not 7591true. I'm very good in beds as well." 7592% 7593A sad spectacle. If they be inhabited, what a scope for misery and folly. 7594If they be not inhabited, what a waste of space. 7595 -- Thomas Carlyle, looking at the stars 7596% 7597A sadist is a masochist who follows the Golden Rule. 7598% 7599A salamander scurries into flame to be destroyed. 7600Imaginary creatures are trapped in birth on celluloid. 7601 -- Genesis, "The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway" 7602 7603I don't know what it's about. I'm just the drummer. Ask Peter. 7604 -- Phil Collins in 1975, when asked about the message behind 7605 the previous year's Genesis release, "The Lamb Lies Down 7606 on Broadway". 7607% 7608A Scholar asked his Master, "Master, would you advise me of a proper 7609vocation?" 7610 The Master replied, "Some men can earn their keep with the power of 7611their minds. Others must use their strong backs, legs and hands. This is 7612the same in nature as it is with man. Some animals acquire their food easily, 7613such as rabbits, hogs and goats. Other animals must fiercely struggle for 7614their sustenance, like beavers, moles and ants. So you see, the nature of 7615the vocation must fit the individual. 7616 "But I have no abilities, desires, or imagination, Master," the 7617scholar sobbed. 7618 Queried the Master... "Have you thought of becoming a salesperson?" 7619% 7620A scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and 7621making them see the light, but rather because its opponents eventually 7622die and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it. 7623 -- Max Planck 7624% 7625A sect or party is an elegant incognito devised to save a man from 7626the vexation of thinking. 7627 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1831 7628% 7629A sense of desolation and uncertainty, of futility, of the baselessness 7630of aspirations, of the vanity of endeavor, and a thirst for a life giving 7631water which seems suddenly to have failed, are the signs in consciousness 7632of this necessary reorganization of our lives. 7633 7634It is difficult to believe that this state of mind can be produced by the 7635recognition of such facts as that unsupported stones always fall to the 7636ground. 7637 -- J.W.N. Sullivan 7638% 7639A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will keep 7640him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those that are 7641worth committing. 7642 -- Samuel Butler 7643% 7644A sequel is an admission that you've been reduced to imitating yourself. 7645 -- Don Marquis 7646% 7647A Severe Strain on the Credulity 7648 As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the 7649highest parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket 7650is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one considers the 7651multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one begins to doubt... 7652for after the rocket quits our air and really starts on its journey, its 7653flight would be neither accelerated nor maintained by the explosion of the 7654charges it then might have left. Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in 7655Clark College and countenancing of the Smithsonian Institution, does not 7656know the relation of action to re-action, and of the need to have something 7657better than a vacuum against which to react... Of course he only seems to 7658lack the knowledge ladled out daily in high schools. 7659 -- New York Times Editorial, 1920 7660% 7661A sharper perspective on this matter is particularly important to feminist 7662thought today, because a major tendency in feminism has constructed the 7663problem of domination as a drama of female vulnerability victimized by male 7664aggression. Even the more sophisticated feminist thinkers frequently shy 7665away from the analysis of submission, for fear that in admitting woman's 7666participation in the relationship of domination, the onus of responsibility 7667will appear to shift from men to women, and the moral victory from women to 7668men. More generally, this has been a weakness of radical politics: to 7669idealize the oppressed, as if their politics and culture were untouched by 7670the system of domination, as if people did not participate in their own 7671submission. To reduce domination to a simple relation of doer and done-to 7672is to substitute moral outrage for analysis. 7673 -- Jessica Benjamin, "The Bonds of Love" 7674% 7675A shortcut is the longest distance between two points. 7676% 7677A sine curve goes off to infinity, or at least the end of the blackboard. 7678 -- Prof. Steiner 7679% 7680A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic. 7681 -- Joseph Stalin 7682% 7683A single flow'r he sent me, since we met. 7684All tenderly his messenger he chose; 7685Deep-hearted, pure, with scented dew still wet-- 7686One perfect rose. 7687 7688I knew the language of the floweret; 7689"My fragile leaves," it said, "his heart enclose." 7690Love long has taken for his amulet 7691One perfect rose. 7692 7693Why is it no one ever sent me yet 7694One perfect limousine, do you suppose? 7695Ah no, it's always just my luck to get 7696One perfect rose. 7697 -- Dorothy Parker, "One Perfect Rose" 7698% 7699A sinking ship gathers no moss. 7700 -- Donald Kaul 7701% 7702A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two. 7703% 7704A Smith & Wesson beats four aces. 7705% 7706A snake lurks in the grass. 7707 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) 7708% 7709A social scientist, studying the culture and traditions of a small North 7710African tribe, found a woman still practicing the ancient art of matchmaking. 7711Locally, she was known as the Moor, the marrier. 7712% 7713A society in which women are taught anything but the management of a family, 7714the care of men, and the creation of the future generation is a society 7715which is on its way out. 7716 -- L. Ron Hubbard 7717% 7718A soft answer turneth away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger. 7719 -- Proverbs 15:1 7720% 7721A soft drink turneth away company. 7722% 7723A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg 7724that looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity. 7725 -- Mark Twain 7726% 7727A song in time is worth a dime. 7728% 7729A Southern boy graduates from high school heads north to college, taking the 7730family dog, Old Blue with him, for company. He's only been there a few weeks 7731when he gets a call from his girlfriend; seems like they've got a problem, 7732and she needs a thousand dollars to take care of it. The boy calls his folks: 7733 "How are you?" they ask. 7734 "Oh, I'm fine," he says. 7735 "And how," they ask, "is Old Blue?" 7736 "Well, he's kind of depressed. You see, there's this lady up here 7737that teaches dogs to talk, and Ol' Blue is feelin' kind of left out 'cause 7738he's the only dog that doesn't know how to talk. She charges a thousand 7739dollars." 7740 The parents send the boy the thousand dollars, he forwards it to Mary 7741Lou, and everything's fine until Christmas vacation. The boy leaves Ol' Blue 7742at his dorm, 'cause he just can't figure out what to tell his parents. Sure 7743enough, when he gets home, the first thing his father wants to know is 7744"Where's Old Blue?" 7745 "Well, Pa," says the boy. "I was driving on home and Old Blue was 7746talking away about this and that when we passed the Buford's farm. Old Blue, 7747well, he said, `Say, what do you think your mother would do if I told her 7748that your father's been comin' over here and seeing Mrs. Buford all these 7749years?'" 7750 The father looks at his son -- "You shot that dog, didn't you, boy?" 7751% 7752A squeegee by any other name wouldn't sound as funny. 7753% 7754A statesman is a politician who's been dead 10 or 15 years. 7755 -- Harry S. Truman 7756% 7757A statistician, who refused to fly after reading of the alarmingly high 7758probability that there will be a bomb on any given plane, realized that 7759the probability of there being two bombs on any given flight is very low. 7760Now, whenever he flies, he carries a bomb with him. 7761% 7762A stitch in time saves nine. 7763% 7764"...A strange enigma is man!" 7765"Someone calls him a soul concealed in an animal," I suggested. 7766 "Winwood Reade is good upon the subject," said Holmes. "He remarked 7767that, while the individual man is an insoluble puzzle, in the aggregate he 7768becomes a mathematical certainty. You can, for example, never foretell what 7769any one man will do, but you can say with precision what an average number 7770will be up to. Individuals vary, but percentages remain constant. So says 7771the statistician." 7772 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four" 7773% 7774A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows. 7775% 7776A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows. 7777 -- O'Henry 7778% 7779A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to Greenblatt. 7780As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by. "Is it true", asked the 7781student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as Lisp?" Almost before 7782the student had finished his question, Greenblatt shouted, "FOO!", and hit 7783the student with a stick. 7784% 7785A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam. 7786% 7787A stunning blonde, but probably all bean dip above the eyebrows. 7788% 7789A successful tool is one that was used to do something 7790undreamed of by its author. 7791 -- S.C. Johnson 7792% 7793A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first 7794thought of. 7795 -- Burt Bacharach 7796% 7797A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm) 7798 -- by Charles Dickens 7799 7800 A lawyer who looks like a French Nobleman is executed in his place. 7801 7802The Metamorphosis LITE(tm) 7803 -- by Franz Kafka 7804 7805 A man turns into a bug and his family gets annoyed. 7806 7807Lord of the Rings LITE(tm) 7808 -- by J.R.R. Tolkien 7809 7810 Some guys take a long vacation to throw a ring into a volcano. 7811 7812Hamlet LITE(tm) 7813 -- by Wm. Shakespeare 7814 7815 A college student on vacation with family problems, a screwy 7816 girl-friend and a mother who won't act her age. 7817% 7818A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm) 7819 -- by Charles Dickens 7820 7821 A man in love with a girl who loves another man who looks just 7822 like him has his head chopped off in France because of a mean 7823 lady who knits. 7824 7825Crime and Punishment LITE(tm) 7826 -- by Fyodor Dostoyevsky 7827 7828 A man sends a nasty letter to a pawnbroker, but later 7829 feels guilty and apologizes. 7830 7831The Odyssey LITE(tm) 7832 -- by Homer 7833 7834 After working late, a valiant warrior gets lost on his way home. 7835% 7836A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you. 7837% 7838A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say. 7839 -- Michael Winner, British film director 7840% 7841A Texan, impressing the hell out of a Bostonian with tales about the heroes 7842of the Alamo, commented, "I'll bet you never had anyone that brave around 7843*Boston*." 7844 "Ever hear of Paul Revere?", snarled the Bostonian. 7845 "Paul Revere?", pondered the Texan. "Isn't he the guy who ran for 7846help?" 7847% 7848A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it. 7849 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Portrait of Mr. W.H." 7850% 7851A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything 7852but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others. 7853 -- Ambrose Bierce 7854% 7855A transistor protected by a fast-acting 7856fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first. 7857% 7858A traveling salesman was driving past a farm when he saw a pig with three 7859wooden legs executing a magnificent series of backflips and cartwheels. 7860Intrigued, he drove up to the farmhouse, where he found an old farmer 7861sitting in the yard watching the pig. 7862 "That's quite a pig you have there, sir" said the salesman. 7863 "Sure is, son," the farmer replied. "Why, two years ago, my daughter 7864was swimming in the lake and bumped her head and damned near drowned, but that 7865pig swam out and dragged her back to shore." 7866 "Amazing!" the salesman exclaimed. 7867 "And that's not the only thing. Last fall I was cuttin' wood up on 7868the north forty when a tree fell on me. Pinned me to the ground, it did. 7869That pig run up and wiggled underneath that tree and lifted it off of me. 7870Saved my life." 7871 "Fantastic! the salesman said. But tell me, how come the pig has 7872three wooden legs?" 7873 The farmer stared at the newcomer in amazement. "Mister, when you 7874got an amazin' pig like that, you don't eat him all at once." 7875% 7876A true artist will let his wife starve, his children go barefoot, his mother 7877drudge for his living at seventy, sooner than work at anything but his art. 7878 -- Shaw 7879% 7880A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. 7881% 7882A truly wise woman never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. 7883% 7884A truth that's told with bad intent 7885Beats all the lies you can invent. 7886 -- William Blake 7887% 7888A university is what a college becomes 7889when the faculty loses interest in students. 7890 -- John Ciardi 7891% 7892A vacuum is a hell of a lot better 7893than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with. 7894 -- Tennessee Williams 7895% 7896A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. 7897 -- Samuel Goldwyn 7898% 7899A violent man will die a violent death. 7900 -- Lao Tsu 7901% 7902A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work. 7903% 7904A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work. 7905% 7906A vivid and creative mind characterizes you. 7907% 7908A waist is a terrible thing to mind. 7909 -- Ziggy 7910% 7911A watched clock never boils. 7912% 7913A well adjusted person is one who makes 7914the same mistake twice without getting nervous. 7915% 7916A well-known friend is a treasure. 7917% 7918A well-used door needs no oil on its hinges. 7919A swift-flowing steam does no grow stagnant. 7920Neither sound nor thoughts can travel through a vacuum. 7921Software rots if not used. 7922 7923These are great mysteries. 7924 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 7925% 7926A widow is more sought after than an old maid of the same age. 7927 -- Addison 7928% 7929A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there 7930*for the rest of your life*. 7931 -- Jim Samuels 7932% 7933A wise man can see more from a mountain top 7934than a fool can from the bottom of a well. 7935% 7936A wise man can see more from the bottom 7937of a well than a fool can from a mountain top. 7938% 7939A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion. 7940 -- Chinese proverb 7941% 7942A witty saying proves nothing. 7943 -- Voltaire 7944% 7945A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to admit, 7946let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact remains that 7947there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one reason or another, 7948completely immune to any direct magical spell. It is for this group of 7949beings that the magician learns the subtleties of using indirect spells. 7950It also does no harm, in dealing with these matters, to carry a large club 7951near your person at all times. 7952 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII 7953% 7954A woman can look both moral and exciting -- if she also looks as if it 7955were quite a struggle. 7956 -- Edna Ferber 7957% 7958A woman can never be too rich or too thin. 7959% 7960A woman did what a woman had to, the best way she knew how. 7961To do more was impossible, to do less, unthinkable. 7962 -- Dirisha, "The Man Who Never Missed" 7963% 7964A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed. 7965 -- Scott 7966% 7967A woman, especially if she have the misfortune 7968of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can. 7969 -- Jane Austen 7970% 7971A woman forgives the audacity of which 7972her beauty has prompted us to be guilty. 7973 -- LeSage 7974% 7975A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be 7976thankful for a good one. 7977 -- Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings 7978% 7979A woman is like your shadow; follow her, she flies; fly from her, 7980she follows. 7981 -- Chamfort 7982% 7983A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to 7984endure, it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy. 7985 -- Nietzsche 7986% 7987A woman of generous character will sacrifice her life a thousand times 7988over for her lover, but will break with him for ever over a question of 7989pride -- for the opening or the shutting of a door. 7990 -- Stendhal 7991% 7992A woman physician has made the statement that smoking is neither 7993physically defective nor morally degrading, and that nicotine, even 7994when indulged to in excess, is less harmful than excessive petting." 7995 -- Purdue Exponent, Jan 16, 1925 7996% 7997A woman shouldn't have to buy her own perfume. 7998 -- Maurine Lewis 7999% 8000A woman went into a hospital one day to give birth. Afterwards, the doctor 8001came to her and said, "I have some... odd news for you." 8002 "Is my baby all right?" the woman anxiously asked. 8003 "Yes, he is," the doctor replied, "but we don't know how. Your son 8004(we assume) was born with no body. He only has a head." 8005 Well, the doctor was correct. The Head was alive and well, though no 8006one knew how. The Head turned out to be fairly normal, ignoring his lack of 8007a body, and lived for some time as typical a life as could be expected under 8008the circumstances. 8009 One day, about twenty years after the fateful birth, the woman got a 8010phone call from another doctor. The doctor said, "I have recently perfected 8011an operation. Your son can live a normal life now: we can graft a body onto 8012his head!" 8013 The woman, practically weeping with joy, thanked the doctor and hung 8014up. She ran up the stairs saying, "Johnny, Johnny, I have a *wonderful* 8015surprise for you!" 8016 "Oh no," cried The Head, "not another HAT!" 8017% 8018A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. 8019 -- Gloria Steinem 8020% 8021A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. 8022Therefore, a man without a woman is like a bicycle without a fish. 8023% 8024A woman's best protection is a little money of her own. 8025 -- Clare Booth Luce, quoted in "The Wit of Women" 8026% 8027A woman's place is in the house... and in the Senate. 8028% 8029A word to the wise is enough. 8030 -- Miguel de Cervantes 8031% 8032A would-be disciple came to Nasrudin's hut on the mountain-side. Knowing 8033that every action of such an enlightened one is significant, the seeker 8034watched the teacher closely. "Why do you blow on your hands?" "To warm 8035myself in the cold." Later, Nasrudin poured bowls of hot soup for himself 8036and the newcomer, and blew on his own. "Why are you doing that, Master?" 8037"To cool the soup." Unable to trust a man who uses the same process 8038to arrive at two different results -- hot and cold -- the disciple departed. 8039% 8040A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call 8041what he writes fiction. 8042 -- William Faulkner 8043% 8044A yawn is a silent shout. 8045 -- G.K. Chesterton 8046% 8047A year spent in Artificial Intelligence is enough to make one believe in God. 8048% 8049A young girl once committed suicide because her mother refused her a new 8050bonnet. Coroner's verdict: "Death from excessive spunk." 8051 -- Sacramento Daily Union, September 13, 1860 8052% 8053A young man and his girlfriend were walking along Main Street when she spotted 8054a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry-store window. "Wow, I'd sure love to 8055have that!" she gushed. 8056 "No problem," her companion replied, throwing a brick through the 8057window and grabbing the ring. 8058 A few blocks later, the woman admired a full-length sable coat. "What 8059I'd give to own that," she said, sighing. 8060 "No problem," he said, throwing a brick through the window and grabbing 8061the coat. 8062 Finally, turning for home, they passed a car dealership. "Boy, I'd do 8063anything for one of those Rolls-Royces," she said. 8064 "Jeez, baby," the guy moaned, "you think I'm made of bricks?" 8065% 8066A young man enters the New York branch of Tiffany's on a Friday evening and 8067walks up to a display case full of pearl necklaces. He turns to a gorgeous 8068woman, who is obviously windowshopping, looks her straight in the eye and 8069says, "I can tell by your eyes that you really want that necklace. If you'll 8070allow me, I'd like to buy it for you." 8071 The woman looks him up and down; he's wearing a nice suit and some 8072pretty nice jewelry, but she has trouble believing this story. 8073 "Look, this is some kind of put on, right?" 8074 "No, really. You see, I've got quite a lot of money -- so much that 8075I could never spend it all. I'd really like for you to have it." 8076 The guys whips out his checkbook, writes a check for five figures, 8077calls over a clerk and hands it to him. The clerk peers at the check, looks 8078at the young man, looks at the check again. "Very good, sir. I'm afraid I 8079can't release the necklace immediately, would Monday be all right?" 8080 "That'll be fine, she'll pick it up." the man replies, and walks out 8081of the store with the woman following him in a daze. 8082 The next Monday the man comes back in and walks up to the counter. 8083The same clerk hurries over to him and says, "Sir, I'm sorry to have to tell 8084you this, but your check was returned for insufficient funds." 8085 "I know," the man replies. "I just wanted to thank you for a 8086terrific weekend." 8087% 8088A young man wrote to Mozart and said: 8089 8090Q: "Herr Mozart, I am thinking of writing symphonies. Can you give me any 8091 suggestions as to how to get started?" 8092A: "A symphony is a very complex musical form, perhaps you should begin with 8093 some simple lieder and work your way up to a symphony." 8094Q: "But Herr Mozart, you were writing symphonies when you were 8 years old." 8095A: "But I never asked anybody how." 8096% 8097A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive. 8098% 8099AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!! 8100You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room! 8101% 8102Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy. 8103% 8104Abbott's Admonitions: 8105 1: If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know. 8106 2: If you don't like the answer, you shouldn't have asked 8107 the question. 8108 -- Charles Abbot, dean, University of Virginia 8109% 8110Aberdeen was so small that when the family with the car went 8111on vacation, the gas station and drive-in theatre had to close. 8112% 8113Abou Ben Adhem (may his tribe increase!) 8114Awoke one night from a deep dream of peace, 8115And saw, within the moonlight in his room, 8116Making it rich, and like a lily in bloom, 8117An angel writing in a book of gold. 8118Exceeding peace had made Ben Adhem bold, 8119And to the presence in the room he said, 8120"What writest thou?" The vision raised its head, 8121And with a look made of all sweet accord, 8122Answered, "The names of those who love the Lord." 8123"And is mine one?" said Abou. "Nay not so," 8124Replied the angel. Abou spoke more low, 8125But cheerly still; and said, "I pray thee then, 8126Write me as one that loves his fellow-men." 8127The angel wrote, and vanished. The next night 8128It came again with a great wakening light, 8129And showed the names whom love of God had blessed, 8130And lo! Ben Adhem's name led all the rest. 8131 -- James Henry Leigh Hunt, "Abou Ben Adhem" 8132% 8133About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard. 8134% 8135About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog. 8136% 8137About the only thing we have left that actually 8138discriminates in favor of the plain people is the stork. 8139% 8140About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends. 8141 -- Herbert Hoover 8142% 8143About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt 8144ax. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead. 8145 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 8146% 8147Above all else - sky. 8148% 8149Above all things, reverence yourself. 8150% 8151Abraham Lincoln didn't die in vain. He died in Washington, D.C. 8152% 8153ABSCOND: 8154 To be unexpectedly called away to the bedside 8155 of a dying relative and miss the return train. 8156% 8157abscond, v: 8158 To be unexpectedly called away to the bedside of a dying relative 8159 and miss the return train. 8160% 8161Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases 8162great ones, as the wind blows out candles and fans fires. 8163 -- La Rochefoucauld 8164% 8165Absence in love is like water upon fire; 8166a little quickens, but much extinguishes it. 8167 -- Hannah More 8168% 8169Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, 8170it enkindles the great. 8171% 8172Absence makes the heart forget. 8173% 8174Absence makes the heart go wander. 8175% 8176Absence makes the heart grow fonder. 8177 -- Sextus Aurelius 8178% 8179Absence makes the heart grow fonder -- of somebody else. 8180% 8181Absence makes the heart grow frantic. 8182% 8183ABSENT: 8184 Exposed to the attacks of friends and 8185 acquaintances; defamed; slandered. 8186% 8187ABSENTEE: 8188 A person with an income who has had the forethought 8189 to remove themselves from the sphere of exaction. 8190% 8191Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder. 8192% 8193Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it's out of date.) 8194 -- Stafford Beer 8195% 8196ABSTAINER: 8197 A weak person who yields to the 8198 temptation of denying himself a pleasure. 8199% 8200Abstract: 8201 This study examined the incidence of neckwear tightness among a group 8202of 94 white-collar working men and the effect of a tight business-shirt collar 8203and tie on the visual performance of 22 male subjects. Of the white-collar 8204men measured, 67% were found to be wearing neckwear that was tighter than 8205their neck circumference. The visual discrimination of the 22 subjects was 8206evaluated using a critical flicker frequency (CFF) test. Results of the CFF 8207test indicated that tight neckwear significantly decreased the visual 8208performance of the subjects and that visual performance did not improve 8209immediately when tight neckwear was removed. 8210 -- Langan, L.M. and Watkins, S.M. "Pressure of Menswear on the 8211 Neck in Relation to Visual Performance." Human Factors 29, 8212 #1 (Feb. 1987), pp. 67-71. 8213% 8214ABSURDITY: 8215 A statement or belief manifestly 8216 inconsistent with one's own opinion. 8217% 8218Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, 8219because the stakes are so low. 8220 -- Wallace Sayre 8221% 8222Academicians care, that's who. 8223% 8224ACADEMY: 8225 A modern school where football is taught. 8226INSTITUTE: 8227 An archaic school where football is not taught. 8228% 8229Accent on helpful side of your nature. Drain the moat. 8230% 8231Accept people for what they are -- completely unacceptable. 8232% 8233ACCEPTANCE TESTING: 8234 An unsuccessful attempt to find bugs. 8235% 8236Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western 8237religion. Rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic 8238of Western science. 8239 -- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters" 8240% 8241Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western 8242religion; rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of 8243Western science. 8244 -- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters" 8245% 8246Accident: 8247 A condition in which presence of mind is good, 8248 but absence of body is better. 8249 -- Foolish Dictionary 8250% 8251Accidentally Shot 8252 Colonel Gray, of Petaluma, came near losing his life a few days ago, 8253in a singular manner. A gentleman with whom he was hunting attempted to 8254bring down a dove, but instead of doing so put the load of shot through the 8255Colonel's hat. One shot took effect in his forehead. 8256 -- Sacramento Daily Union, April 20, 1861 8257% 8258Accidents cause History. 8259 8260If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the 8261Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not 8262have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil 8263could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and 8264the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd. 8265 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 8266% 8267According to a recent and unscientific national survey, smiling is something 8268everyone should do at least 6 times a day. In an effort to increase the 8269national average (the US ranks third among the world's superpowers in 8270smiling), Xerox has instructed all personnel to be happy, effervescent, and 8271most importantly, to smile. Xerox employees agree, and even feel strongly 8272that they can not only meet but surpass the national average... except for 8273Tubby Ackerman. But because Tubby does such a fine job of racing around 8274parking lots with a large butterfly net retrieving floating IC chips, Xerox 8275decided to give him a break. If you see Tubby in a parking lot he may have 8276a sheepish grin. This is where the expression, "Service with a slightly 8277sheepish grin" comes from. 8278% 8279According to all the latest reports, 8280there was no truth in any of the earlier reports. 8281% 8282According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest: "No person 8283shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than 8284fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening 8285of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of 8286the returns." 8287% 8288According to convention there is a sweet and a bitter, a hot and a cold, 8289and according to convention, there is an order. In truth, there are atoms 8290and a void. 8291 -- Democritus, 400 B.C. 8292% 8293According to my best recollection, I don't remember. 8294 -- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo 8295% 8296According to the latest official figures, 829743% of all statistics are totally worthless. 8298% 8299According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in 8300America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. 8301Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could 8302beat up their city anytime. 8303 -- David Letterman 8304% 8305ACCORDION: 8306 A bagpipe with pleats. 8307% 8308ACCURACY: 8309 The vice of being right. 8310% 8311Acid -- better living through chemistry. 8312% 8313Acid absorbs 47 times its own weight in excess Reality. 8314% 8315Acquaintance, n: 8316 A person whom we know well enough to borrow from but not well 8317 enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when the 8318 object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous. 8319 -- Ambrose Bierce 8320% 8321Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing. 8322% 8323Acting is not very hard. The most important things are to be able to laugh 8324and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. And if I have to laugh, 8325well, I think of my sex life. 8326 -- Glenda Jackson 8327% 8328Actor Real Name 8329 8330Boris Karloff William Henry Pratt 8331Cary Grant Archibald Leach 8332Edward G. Robinson Emmanual Goldenburg 8333Gene Wilder Gerald Silberman 8334John Wayne Marion Morrison 8335Kirk Douglas Issur Danielovitch 8336Richard Burton Richard Jenkins Jr. 8337Roy Rogers Leonard Slye 8338Woody Allen Allen Stewart Konigsberg 8339% 8340Actor: So what do you do for a living? 8341Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving 8342 dishes for Chinese restaurants. 8343 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 8344% 8345Actresses will happen in the best regulated families. 8346 -- Addison Mizner and Oliver Herford, "The Entirely 8347 New Cynic's Calendar", 1905 8348% 8349Actually, my goal is to have a sandwich named after me. 8350% 8351Actually, the probability is 100% that the elevator 8352will be going in the right direction. Proof by induction: 8353 8354N=1. Trivially true, since both you and the elevator 8355 only have one floor to go to. 8356 8357Assume true for N, prove for N+1: 8358 If you are on any of the first N floors, then it is true by the 8359 induction hypothesis. If you are on the N+1st floor, then both you 8360 and the elevator have only one choice, namely down. Therefore, 8361 it is true for all N+1 floors. 8362QED. 8363% 8364Ad astra per aspera. (To the stars by aspiration.) 8365% 8366ADA: 8367 Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in 8368 Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop 8369 an ADA awareness. 8370 -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984 8371% 8372ADA: 8373 Something you need to know the name of to be an Expert in Computing. 8374 Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA awareness." 8375% 8376ADA, n.: 8377 Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in 8378Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA 8379awareness." 8380% 8381Adde parvum parvo manus acervus erit. 8382[Add little to little and there will be a big pile.] 8383 -- Ovid 8384% 8385Adding features does not necessarily increase 8386functionality -- it just makes the manuals thicker. 8387% 8388Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. 8389 -- F. Brooks, "The Mythical Man-Month" 8390 8391Whenever one person is found adequate to the discharge of a duty by 8392close application thereto, it is worse execute by two persons and 8393scarcely done at all if three or more are employed therein. 8394 -- George Washington, 1732-1799 8395% 8396Adding sound to movies would be like 8397putting lipstick on the Venus de Milo. 8398 -- actress Mary Pickford, 1925 8399% 8400Adhere to your own act, and congratulate yourself if you have done 8401something strange and extravagant, and broken the monotony of a 8402decorous age. 8403 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 8404% 8405Adler's Distinction: 8406 Language is all that separates us from the lower animals, 8407 and from the bureaucrats. 8408% 8409ADMIRATION: 8410 Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. 8411% 8412ADOLESCENCE: 8413 The stage between puberty and adultery. 8414% 8415ADORE: 8416 To venerate expectantly. 8417% 8418ADULT: 8419 One old enough to know better. 8420% 8421Adults die young. 8422% 8423Advancement in position. 8424% 8425Advertisements contain the only 8426truths to be relied on in a newspaper. 8427 -- Thomas Jefferson 8428% 8429Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket. 8430 -- George Orwell 8431% 8432Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human 8433intelligence long enough to get money from it. 8434% 8435Advertising Rule: 8436 In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince the 8437 reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly, 8438 that it is curable. 8439% 8440Advice from an old carpenter: measure twice, saw once. 8441% 8442Advice is a dangerous gift; be cautious about giving and receiving it. 8443% 8444African violet: Such worth is rare 8445Apple blossom: Preference 8446Bachelor's button: Celibacy 8447Bay leaf: I change but in death 8448Camelia: Reflected loveliness 8449Chrysanthemum, red: I love 8450Chrysanthemum, white: Truth 8451Chrysanthemum, other: Slighted love 8452Clover: Be mine 8453Crocus: Abuse not 8454Daffodil: Innocence 8455Forget-me-not: True love 8456Fuchsia: Fast 8457Gardenia: Secret, untold love 8458Honeysuckle: Bonds of love 8459Ivy: Friendship, fidelity, marriage 8460Jasmine: Amiability, transports of joy, sensuality 8461Leaves (dead): Melancholy 8462Lilac: Youthful innocence 8463Lilly: Purity, sweetness 8464Lilly of the valley: Return of happiness 8465Magnolia: Dignity, perseverance 8466 * An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning. 8467% 8468After 35 years, I have finished a comprehensive study of European 8469comparative law. In Germany, under the law, everything is prohibited, 8470except that which is permitted. In France, under the law, everything 8471is permitted, except that which is prohibited. In the Soviet Union, 8472under the law, everything is prohibited, including that which is 8473permitted. And in Italy, under the law, everything is permitted, 8474especially that which is prohibited. 8475 -- Newton Minow, 8476 Speech to the Association of American Law Schools, 1985 8477% 8478After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out. 8479It was replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life 8480more advanced than the lichen family. 8481 -- Dave Barry 8482% 8483After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn. 8484% 8485After a while you learn the subtle difference 8486Between holding a hand and chaining a soul, 8487And you learn that love doesn't mean security, 8488And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts 8489And presents aren't promises 8490And you begin to accept your defeats 8491With your head up and your eyes open, 8492With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child, 8493And you learn to build all your roads 8494On today because tomorrow's ground 8495Is too uncertain. And futures have 8496A way of falling down in midflight, 8497After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. 8498So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting 8499For someone to bring you flowers. 8500And you learn that you really can endure... 8501That you really are strong, 8502And you really do have worth 8503And you learn and learn 8504With every goodbye you learn. 8505 -- Veronic Shoffstall, "Comes the Dawn" 8506% 8507After all, all he did was string together 8508a lot of old, well-known quotations. 8509 -- H.L. Mencken, on Shakespeare 8510% 8511After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done. 8512% 8513After all, it is only the mediocre who are always at their best. 8514 -- Jean Giraudoux 8515% 8516After all my erstwhile dear, 8517My no longer cherished, 8518Need we say it was not love, 8519Just because it perished? 8520 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay 8521% 8522After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not for 8523you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply 8524sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. 8525 -- P.J. O'Rourke 8526% 8527After an instrument has been assembled, 8528extra components will be found on the bench. 8529% 8530After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the 8531month than you did before. 8532% 8533After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names 8534have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp, 8535James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important 8536electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi Galvani discovered (this 8537is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg 8538of a frog, an electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even 8539though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. 8540Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian 8541medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been 8542seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and 8543watch it hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact 8544that it sinks like a stone. 8545 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 8546% 8547After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from 8548Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, 8549and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon 8550to be created." 8551 "This is true," He replied. 8552 "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly. 8553 "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the 8554right to make his laws?" 8555 "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to make 8556his own." 8557 It was so granted. 8558% 8559After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages, 8560claiming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life 8561in a wheelchair. Although the insurance-company doctor testified that his 8562bones had healed properly and that he was fully capable of walking, the 8563judge decided for the plaintiff and awarded him $500,000. 8564 When he was wheeled into the insurance office to collect his check, 8565Miller was confronted by several executives. "You're not getting away with 8566this, Miller," one said. "We're going to watch you day and night. If you 8567take a single step, you'll not only repay the damages but stand trial for 8568perjury. Here's the money. What do you intend to do with it?" 8569 "My wife and I are going to travel," Miller replied. "We'll go to 8570Stockholm, Berlin, Rome, Athens and, finally, to a place called Lourdes -- 8571where, gentlemen, you'll see yourselves one hell of a miracle." 8572% 8573After living in New York, you trust nobody, 8574but you believe everything. Just in case. 8575% 8576...[after the announcement of Vanguard] ... Secretary of Defense Charles 8577Wilson (the same "Engine Charlie" who once told the Senate, "[F]or years 8578I've thought that what was good for our country was good for General Motors, 8579and vice versa," probably an accurate analysis) was asked whether the 8580Russians might beat the Americans into orbit. "I wouldn't care if they 8581did," he responded. (It was later claimed that Wilson favored the 8582development of the automatic transmission so that he could drive with 8583one foot in his mouth.) 8584 -- Smithsonian's Air&Space Magazine, "The Day the Rocket Died" 8585% 8586After the game the king and the pawn go in the same box. 8587 -- Italian proverb 8588% 8589After the ground war began, captured Iraqi soldiers said any of them caught 8590by superiors wearing a white T-shirt would be executed because of the ease 8591with which the shirts could be used as surrender flags. Some Iraqi soldiers 8592carried bleach with them to make their dark shirts white. 8593 -- Chuck Shepherd, Funny Times, May 1991 8594% 8595After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access 8596cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed. 8597% 8598After this was written there appeared a remarkable posthumous memoir that 8599throws some doubt on Millikan's leading role in these experiments. Harvey 8600Fletcher (1884-1981), who was a graduate student at the University of Chicago, 8601at Millikan's suggestion worked on the measurement of electronic charge for 8602his doctoral thesis, and co-authored some of the early papers on this subject 8603with Millikan. Fletcher left a manuscript with a friend with instructions 8604that it be published after his death; the manuscript was published in 8605Physics Today, June 1982, page 43. In it, Fletcher claims that he was the 8606first to do the experiment with oil drops, was the first to measure charges on 8607single droplets, and may have been the first to suggest the use of oil. 8608According to Fletcher, he had expected to be co-authored with Millikan on 8609the crucial first article announcing the measurement of the electronic 8610charge, but was talked out of this by Millikan. 8611 -- Steven Weinberg, "The Discovery of Subatomic Particles" 8612 8613Robert Millikan is generally credited with making the first really 8614precise measurement of the charge on an electron and was awarded the 8615Nobel Prize in 1923. 8616% 8617After two or three weeks of this madness, you begin to feel As One with 8618the man who said, "No news is good news." In twenty-eight papers, only 8619the rarest kind of luck will turn up more than two or three articles of 8620any interest... but even then the interest items are usually buried 8621deep around paragraph 16 on the jump (or "Cont. on ...") page... 8622 8623The Post will have a story about Muskie making a speech in Iowa. The 8624Star will say the same thing, and the Journal will say nothing at all. 8625But the Times might have enough room on the jump page to include a line 8626or so that says something like: "When he finished his speech, Muskie 8627burst into tears and seized his campaign manager by the side of the 8628neck. They grappled briefly, but the struggle was kicked apart by an 8629oriental woman who seemed to be in control." 8630 8631Now that's good journalism. Totally objective; very active and 8632straight to the point. 8633 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72" 8634% 8635After years of research, scientists recently reported that there is, 8636indeed, arroz in Spanish Harlem. 8637% 8638After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER! 8639% 8640AFTERNOON: 8641 That part of the day we spend worrying 8642 about how we wasted the morning. 8643% 8644Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change. 8645% 8646Against Idleness and Mischief 8647 8648How doth the little busy bee How skillfully she builds her cell! 8649Improve each shining hour, How neat she spreads the wax! 8650And gather honey all the day And labours hard to store it well 8651From every opening flower! With the sweet food she makes. 8652 8653In works of labour or of skill In books, or work, or healthful play, 8654I would be busy too; Let my first years be passed, 8655For Satan finds some mischief still That I may give for every day 8656For idle hands to do. Some good account at last. 8657 -- Isaac Watts, 1674-1748 8658% 8659Against stupidity the very gods Themselves contend in vain. 8660 -- Friedrich von Schiller, "The Maid of Orleans", III, 6 8661% 8662Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill. 8663% 8664Age is a tyrant who forbids, 8665at the penalty of life, all the pleasures of youth. 8666% 8667Agnes' Law: 8668 Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of. 8669% 8670Agree with them now, it will save so much time. 8671% 8672Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach, 8673Or what's a heaven for ? 8674 -- Robert Browning, "Andrea del Sarto" 8675% 8676Ah, my friends, from the prison, they ask unto me, 8677"How good, how good does it feel to be free?" 8678And I answer them most mysteriously: 8679"Are birds free from the chains of the sky-way?" 8680 -- Bob Dylan 8681% 8682Ah, sweet Springtime, when a young man lightly turns his fancy over! 8683% 8684Ah, the Tsar's bazaar's bizarre beaux-arts! 8685% 8686Ahead warp factor one, Mr. Sulu. 8687% 8688Ahhhhhh... the smell of cuprinol and mahogany. It 8689excites me to... acts of passion... acts of... ineptitude. 8690% 8691Aide to Raygun: Sir, the poor are outside protesting your budget cuts. 8692Raygun himself: Tell them they'll have to help themselves. 8693Aide to Raygun: Sir, the Pentagon wants another $30 billion. 8694Raygun himself: Tell them to help themselves. 8695% 8696Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star. 8697 -- W. Clement Stone 8698% 8699Ain't no right way to do a wrong thing. 8700 -- The Mad Dogtender 8701% 8702Ain't nothin' an old man can do for me but 8703bring me a message from a young man. 8704 -- Moms Mabley 8705% 8706"Ain't that something what happened today. One of us got traded to 8707Kansas City." 8708 -- Casey Stengel, informing outfielder Bob Cerv he'd 8709 been traded. 8710% 8711AIR: 8712 A nutritious substance supplied by 8713 a bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor. 8714 -- Ambrose Bierce 8715% 8716Air Force Inertia Axiom: 8717 Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness. 8718% 8719Air is water with holes in it. 8720% 8721Air pollution is really making us pay through the nose. 8722% 8723Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value. 8724 -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, 8725 Ecole Superieure de Guerre 8726% 8727Al didn't smile for forty years. You've got to admire a man like that. 8728 -- from "Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman" 8729% 8730Alan Turing thought about criteria to settle the question of whether 8731machines can think, a question of which we now know that it is about 8732as relevant as the question of whether submarines can swim. 8733 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 8734% 8735Alas, how love can trifle with itself! 8736 -- William Shakespeare, "The Two Gentlemen of Verona" 8737% 8738Alas, I am dying beyond my means. 8739 -- Oscar Wilde [as he sipped champagne on his deathbed] 8740% 8741ALASKA: 8742 A prelude to "No." 8743% 8744Albert Camus wrote that the only serious question is whether to kill yourself 8745or not. Tom Robbins wrote that the only serious question is whether time has 8746a beginning and an end. Camus clearly got up on the wrong side of bed, and 8747Robbins must have forgotten to set the alarm. 8748 -- Tom Robbins 8749% 8750ALBRECHT'S LAW: 8751 Social innovations tend to the level 8752 of minimum tolerable well-being. 8753% 8754Alcohol, hashish, prussic acid, strychnine are weak dilutions. 8755The surest poison is time. 8756 -- Emerson, "Society and Solitude" 8757% 8758Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life. 8759 -- George Bernard Shaw 8760% 8761Alden's Laws: 8762 1: Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause 8763 of pregnancy. 8764 2: Always be backlit. 8765 3: Sit down whenever possible. 8766% 8767Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall, 8768Aleph-null bottles of beer, 8769You take one down, and pass it around, 8770Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall. 8771% 8772Alex Haley was adopted! 8773% 8774Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well 8775in New York, and still waiting for a dial tone. 8776% 8777Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that was 8778the closest our country has ever been to being even. 8779 -- The Best of Will Rogers 8780% 8781Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about. 8782 -- Philippe Schnoebelen 8783% 8784Algebraic symbols are used when you don't know what you're talking about. 8785% 8786Algol-60 surely must be regarded as the most 8787important programming language yet developed. 8788 -- T. Cheatham 8789% 8790ALGORITHM: 8791 Trendy dance for hip programmers. 8792% 8793Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth. 8794% 8795Alimony is a system by which, when two people 8796make a mistake, one of them continues to pay for it. 8797 -- Peggy Joyce 8798% 8799Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse. 8800 -- Arthur Baer 8801% 8802Alimony is the curse of the writing classes. 8803 -- Norman Mailer 8804% 8805Alimony is the high cost of leaving. 8806% 8807Aliquid melius quam pessimum optimum non est. 8808% 8809Alive without breath, 8810As cold as death; 8811Never thirsty, ever drinking, 8812All in mail ever clinking. 8813% 8814All a man needs out of life is a place to sit 'n' spit in the fire. 8815% 8816All art is but imitation of nature. 8817 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca 8818% 8819All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous. 8820% 8821All bad precedents began as justifiable measures. 8822 -- Gaius Julius Caesar, quoted in "The Conspiracy of 8823 Catiline", by Sallust 8824% 8825All constants are variables. 8826% 8827All diplomacy is a continuation of war by other means. 8828 -- Chou En Lai 8829% 8830All flesh is grass. 8831 -- Isaiah 8832Smoke a friend today. 8833% 8834All generalizations are false, including this one. 8835 -- Mark Twain 8836% 8837All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, 8838barely presentable. 8839 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" 8840% 8841All Gods were immortal. 8842 -- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts" 8843% 8844All great discoveries are made by mistake. 8845 -- Young 8846% 8847All great ideas are controversial, or have been at one time. 8848% 8849All heiresses are beautiful. 8850 -- John Dryden 8851% 8852All his life he has looked away... to the horizon, to the sky, 8853to the future. Never his mind on where he was, on what he was doing. 8854 -- Yoda 8855% 8856All hope abandon, ye who enter here! 8857 -- Dante Alighieri 8858% 8859All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. 8860% 8861All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard, 8862ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas. 8863 -- Kingfish 8864% 8865All I know is what the words know, and dead things, and that 8866makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and 8867an end, as in the well-built phrase and the long sonata of the dead. 8868 -- Samuel Beckett 8869% 8870All I need to have a good time, 8871Is a reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine. 8872With those three things I don't need no sunshine, 8873A reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine. 8874 8875All I want is to never grow old, 8876I want to wash in a bathtub of gold. 8877I want 97 kilos already rolled, 8878I want to wash in a bathtub of gold. 8879 8880I want to light my cigars with 10 dollar bills, 8881I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills. 8882I want a bottle of Red Eye that's always filled, 8883I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills. 8884 -- Country Joe and the Fish, "Zachariah" 8885% 8886All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power. 8887 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 8888% 8889All intelligent species own cats. 8890% 8891All is fear in love and war. 8892% 8893All is well that ends well. 8894 -- John Heywood 8895% 8896All I've got left on the list of desirable vocations is heiress to the 8897throne of any country in Western Europe and Laurie Anderson. "Be 8898practical", was the choral reply from the dinner table. Well, Laurie 8899Anderson is already Laurie Anderson, but I read an article in Harpers 8900that said there were eleven countries, in the world this is I think, 8901that have queens as sovereign rulers. That's probably my best shot. 8902% 8903All kings is mostly rapscallions. 8904 --Mark Twain 8905% 8906All laws are simulations of reality. 8907 -- John C. Lilly 8908% 8909All life evolves by the differential survival of replicating entities. 8910 -- Dawkins 8911% 8912All men have the right to wait in line. 8913% 8914All men know the utility of useful things; 8915but they do not know the utility of futility. 8916 -- Chuang-tzu 8917% 8918All men profess honesty as long as they can. 8919To believe all men honest would be folly. 8920To believe none so is something worse. 8921 -- John Quincy Adams 8922% 8923All most men really want in life is a wife, a house, two kids and a car, 8924a cat, no maybe a dog. Ummm, scratch one of the kids and add a dog. 8925Definitely a dog. 8926% 8927All most people ask of life is a constant 8928and exaggerated sense of their own importance. 8929% 8930All most people want is a little more than they'll ever get. 8931% 8932All my friends and I are crazy. 8933That's the only thing that keeps us sane. 8934% 8935All my friends are getting married, 8936Yes, they're all growing old, 8937They're all staying home on the weekend, 8938They're all doing what they're told. 8939% 8940All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific. 8941 -- Jane Wagner 8942% 8943ALL NEW: 8944 Parts not interchangeable with previous model. 8945% 8946All newspaper editorial writers ever do is come down from 8947the hills after the battle is over and shoot the wounded. 8948% 8949All of the animals except man know that 8950the principal business of life is to enjoy it. 8951% 8952All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs 8953synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to 8954rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all 8955of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store." 8956 -- Stephen Wright 8957% 8958All of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of a 8959Zen-like detachment, as exemplified by his constant reminder to clerks, 8960tellers, or others who grew excited by his presence in their banks: 8961"Just lie down on the floor and keep calm." 8962 -- Robert Wilson, "John Dillinger Died for You" 8963% 8964All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the 8965parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you 8966can't get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do 8967not use a hammer. 8968 -- IBM maintenance manual, 1925 8969% 8970All people are born alike -- except Republicans and Democrats. 8971 -- Groucho Marx 8972% 8973All phone calls are obscene. 8974 -- Karen Elizabeth Gordon 8975% 8976All possibility of understanding is rooted in the ability to say no. 8977 -- Susan Sontag 8978% 8979All programmers are optimists. Perhaps this modern sorcery especially attracts 8980those who believe in happy endings and fairy godmothers. Perhaps the hundreds 8981of nitty frustrations drive away all but those who habitually focus on the end 8982goal. Perhaps it is merely that computers are young, programmers are younger, 8983and the young are always optimists. But however the selection process works, 8984the result is indisputable: "This time it will surely run," or "I just found 8985the last bug." 8986 -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month" 8987% 8988All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors. 8989% 8990All progress is based upon a universal innate desire of every organism 8991to live beyond its income. 8992 -- Samuel Butler, "Notebooks" 8993% 8994All science is either physics or stamp collecting. 8995 -- Ernest Rutherford 8996% 8997All seems condemned in the long run 8998to approximate a state akin to Gaussian noise. 8999 -- James Martin 9000% 9001All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands. 9002 -- Saint Patrick 9003% 9004All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism. 9005% 9006All that glitters has a high refractive index. 9007% 9008All that glitters is not gold; all that wander are not lost. 9009% 9010All that is gold does not glitter, 9011Not all those who wander are lost; 9012The old that is strong does not wither, 9013Deep roots are not reached by the frost. 9014From the ashes a fire shall be woken, 9015A light from the shadows shall spring; 9016Renewed shall be blade that was broken, 9017The crownless again shall be king. 9018 -- J.R.R. Tolkien 9019% 9020All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too, 9021provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you subscribe 9022to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you can deduct 9023the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S. Supreme Court Chief 9024Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax decision: "Where else are you 9025going to read the paper? Outside? What if it rains?" 9026 -- Dave Barry 9027% 9028All the evidence concerning the universe 9029has not yet been collected, so there's still hope. 9030% 9031All the lines have been written There's been Sandburg, 9032It's sad but it's true Keats, Poe and McKuen 9033With all the words gone, They all had their day 9034What's a young poet to do? And knew what they're doin' 9035 9036But of all the words written The bird is a strange one, 9037And all the lines read, So small and so tender 9038There's one I like most, Its breed still unknown, 9039And by a bird it was said! Not to mention its gender. 9040 9041It reminds me of days of So what is this line 9042Both gloom and of light. Whose author's unknown 9043It still lifts my spirits And still makes me giggle 9044And starts the day right. Even now that I'm grown? 9045 9046I've read all the greats 9047Both starving and fat, 9048But none was as great as 9049"I tot I taw a puddy tat." 9050 -- Etta Stallings, "An Ode To Childhood" 9051% 9052All the men on my staff can type. 9053 -- Bella Abzug 9054% 9055...all the modern inconveniences... 9056 -- Mark Twain 9057% 9058All the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow. 9059 -- Grant Wood 9060% 9061All the simple programs have been written. 9062% 9063All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly. 9064% 9065All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately un-rehearsed. 9066 -- Sean O'Casey 9067% 9068All the world's a VAX, 9069And all the coders merely butchers; 9070They have their exits and their entrails; 9071And one int in his time plays many widths, 9072His sizeof being N bytes. At first the infant, 9073Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms. 9074And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun, 9075And shining morning face, creeping like slug 9076Unwillingly to school. 9077 -- A Very Annoyed PDP-11 9078% 9079All things are possible, except for skiing through a revolving door. 9080% 9081All things being equal, you are bound to lose. 9082% 9083All things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed. 9084 -- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" 9085% 9086All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, 9087it's for fun. Money's just the way we keep score. 9088 -- Henry Tyroon 9089% 9090All true wisdom is found on T-shirts. 9091% 9092All warranty and guarantee clauses 9093become null and void upon payment of invoice. 9094% 9095All we know is the phenomenon: we spend our time sending messages to each 9096other, talking and trying to listen at the same time, exchanging information. 9097This seems to be our most urgent biological function; it is what we do with 9098our lives." 9099 -- Lewis Thomas, "The Lives of a Cell" 9100% 9101All who joy would win Must share it -- 9102Happiness was born a twin. 9103 -- Lord Byron 9104% 9105All your files have been destroyed (sorry). Paul. 9106% 9107Allen's Axiom: 9108 When all else fails, read the instructions. 9109% 9110Alliance, n: 9111 In international politics, the union of two thieves who 9112 have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket 9113 that they cannot safely plunder a third. 9114 -- Ambrose Bierce 9115% 9116All's well that ends. 9117% 9118Almost anything derogatory you could say 9119about today's software design would be accurate. 9120 -- K.E. Iverson 9121% 9122ALONE: 9123 In bad company. 9124% 9125Also, the Scots are said to have invented golf. Then they had 9126to invent Scotch whiskey to take away the pain and frustration. 9127% 9128alta, v: To change; make or become different; modify. 9129ansa, v: A spoken or written reply, as to a question. 9130baa, n: A place people meet to have a few drinks. 9131Baaston, n: The capital of Massachusetts. 9132baaba, n: One whose business is to cut or trim hair or beards. 9133beea, n: An alcoholic beverage brewed from malt and hops, often 9134 found in baas. 9135caaa, n: An automobile. 9136centa, n: A point around which something revolves; axis. (Or 9137 someone involved with the Knicks.) 9138chouda, n: A thick seafood soup, often in a milk base. 9139dada, n: Information, esp. information organized for analysis or 9140 computation. 9141 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary 9142% 9143Although it is still a truism in industry that "no one was ever fired for 9144buying IBM," Bill O'Neil, the chief technology officer at Drexel Burnham 9145Lambert, says he knows for a fact that someone has been fired for just that 9146reason. He knows it because he fired the guy. 9147 "He made a bad decision, and what it came down to was, 'Well, I 9148bought it because I figured it was safe to buy IBM,'" Mr. O'Neil says. 9149"I said, 'No. Wrong. Game over. Next contestant, please.'" 9150 -- The Wall Street Journal, December 6, 1989 9151% 9152Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been 9153reissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the day-to-day 9154life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable interest to outdoor 9155minded readers, as it contains many passages on pheasant-raising, the 9156apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin, and other chores and duties 9157of the professional gamekeeper. Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade 9158through many pages of extraneous material in order to discover and savour 9159those sidelights on the management of a midland shooting estate, and in this 9160reviewer's opinion the book cannot take the place of J.R. Miller's "Practical 9161Gamekeeping." 9162 -- Ed Zern, "Field and Stream", Nov., 1959 9163% 9164Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back. 9165% 9166Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. 9167 -- Mark Twain 9168% 9169Always draw your curves, then plot your reading. 9170% 9171Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out. 9172% 9173Always run from a knife and rush a gun. 9174 -- Jimmy Hoffa 9175% 9176Always store beer in a dark place. 9177% 9178Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits. 9179 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It" 9180% 9181Always there remain portions of our heart 9182into which no one is able to enter, invite them as we may. 9183% 9184Always think of something new; this 9185helps you forget your last rotten idea. 9186 -- Seth Frankel 9187% 9188AMAZING BUT TRUE... 9189 If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to 9190 end across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful. 9191% 9192AMAZING BUT TRUE... 9193 There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it 9194 were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert. 9195% 9196AMBIDEXTROUS: 9197 Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left. 9198% 9199AMBIGUITY: 9200 Telling the truth when you don't mean to. 9201% 9202Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. 9203 -- Charlie McCarthy 9204% 9205Ambition, n: 9206 An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while 9207 living and made ridiculous by friends when dead. 9208 -- Ambrose Bierce 9209% 9210America: born free and taxed to death. 9211% 9212America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up. 9213 -- Oscar Wilde 9214% 9215America, how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood? 9216 -- Allen Ginsberg 9217% 9218America is a melting pot. You know, where those on the bottom get burned, 9219and the scum rises to the top. 9220 -- Utah Phillips 9221% 9222America is a stronger nation for the ACLU's uncompromising effort. 9223 -- President John F. Kennedy 9224 9225The simple rights, the civil liberties from generations of struggle must not 9226be just fine words for patriotic holidays, words we subvert on weekdays, but 9227living, honored rules of conduct amongst us...I'm glad the American Civil 9228Liberties Union gets indignant, and I hope this will always be so. 9229 -- Senator Adlai E. Stevenson 9230 9231The ACLU has stood foursquare against the recurring tides of hysteria that 9232from time to time threaten freedoms everywhere... Indeed, it is difficult 9233to appreciate how far our freedoms might have eroded had it not been for the 9234Union's valiant representation in the courts of the constitutional rights 9235of people of all persuasions, no matter how unpopular or even despised 9236by the majority they were at the time. 9237 -- former Supreme Court Chief Justice Earl Warren 9238% 9239America is the country where you buy a lifetime 9240supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks. 9241% 9242America may be unique in being a country which has leapt 9243from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization. 9244 -- John O'Hara 9245% 9246America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, until 9247people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and changed its 9248name to "America". 9249 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 9250% 9251America works less, when you say "Union Yes!" 9252% 9253American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees 9254be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for employees who 9255are educated enough that they can tell the difference between the men's room 9256and the women's room without having little pictures on the doors. 9257 -- Dave Barry 9258% 9259American by birth; Texan by the grace of God. 9260% 9261American cars are made shoddily... 9262Cars made overseas are far superior. 9263 -- Sen. Barry Goldwater 9264% 9265[Americans] are a race of convicts and ought to be thankful for anything 9266we allow them short of hanging. 9267 -- Samuel Johnson 9268 9269America is a large friendly dog in a small room. Every time it wags its 9270tail it knocks over a chair. 9271 -- Arnold Toynbee 9272 9273The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to 9274everybody and still nobody likes him. 9275 -- Jim Samuels 9276% 9277Americans are people who insist on living in the present, tense. 9278% 9279Americans' greatest fear is that America will turn out 9280to have been a phenomenon, not a civilization. 9281 -- Shirley Hazzard, "Transit of Venus" 9282% 9283America's best buy for a quarter is a telephone call to the right person. 9284% 9285Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it. 9286% 9287AMOEBIT: 9288 Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply 9289 and divide at the same time. 9290% 9291Among all savage beasts, none is found so harmful as woman. 9292 -- St. John Chrysostom, 304-407. 9293% 9294Among the lucky, you are the chosen one. 9295% 9296An acid is like a woman: a good one will eat through your pants. 9297 -- Mel Gibson, Saturday Night Live 9298% 9299An actor's a guy who if you ain't talkin' about him, ain't listening. 9300 -- Marlon Brando 9301% 9302An Ada exception is when a routine gets 9303in trouble and says 'Beam me up, Scotty'. 9304% 9305An adequate bootstrap is a contradiction in terms. 9306% 9307An Aggie farmer was lifting his hogs, one by one, up to the branches of 9308his apple trees to graze on the apples. A Texas student walked by and 9309asked him, "Doesn't that take a lot of time?" 9310 Replied the Aggie, "What's time to a hog?" 9311% 9312An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do. 9313 -- Dylan Thomas 9314% 9315An algorithm must be seen to be believed. 9316 -- D.E. Knuth 9317% 9318An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad 9319to lie and intrigue for the benefit of his country. 9320 -- Sir Henry Wotton, 1568-1639 9321% 9322An amendment to a motion may be amended, but an amendment to an amendment 9323to a motion may not be amended. However, a substitute for an amendment to 9324and amendment to a motion may be adopted and the substitute may be amended. 9325 -- The Montana legislature's contribution to the English 9326 language. 9327% 9328An American is a man with two arms and four wheels. 9329 -- A Chinese child 9330% 9331An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel prize 9332winning physicist, Niels Bohr, in Copenhagen. He was amazed to find that 9333over Bohr's desk was a horseshoe, securely nailed to the wall, with the 9334open end up in the approved manner (so it would catch the good luck and not 9335let it spill out). The American said with a nervous laugh, 9336 "Surely you don't believe the horseshoe will bring you good luck, 9337do you, Professor Bohr? After all, as a scientist --" 9338Bohr chuckled. 9339 "I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am 9340scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told 9341that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not." 9342% 9343An American tourist is visiting Russia, and he's talking with a Russian 9344about the fact that not many people in Russia own cars. 9345 9346American: "I can't believe you don't have cars here! How do you 9347 get to work?" 9348Russian: "We take the bus, or the subway. We have public 9349 transportation everywhere." 9350A: "Well, how do you go on vacations?" 9351R: "We take the train." 9352A: "Well, what if you want to go abroad?" 9353R: "We don't ever want go abroad." 9354A: "Well, what if you really HAVE to go abroad?" 9355R: "We take tanks." 9356% 9357An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize 9358the president but is always polite to traffic cops. 9359% 9360An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to 9361New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but 9362not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax. 9363 -- David Letterman 9364% 9365An aphorism is never exactly true; 9366it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths. 9367 -- Karl Kraus 9368% 9369An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile -- hoping that it will eat 9370him last. 9371 -- Sir Winston Churchill, 1954 9372% 9373An apple a day makes 365 apples a year. 9374% 9375An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support. 9376% 9377An atom-blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways. 9378 -- Isaac Asimov 9379% 9380An attachment a la Plato 9381for a bashful young potato 9382or a, not too French, french bean 9383must excite your languid spleen. 9384For, if you walk down Picadilly 9385with a poppy or lily 9386in your medieval hand, 9387every one will say, 9388as you walk your flowery way; 9389"If this young man is content, 9390with a vegetable love 9391which would certainly not content me. 9392Why, what a very pure young man 9393this pure young man must be!" 9394 -- W.S. Gilbert, "Patience" 9395 [The subject of the humour is, of course, Oscar Wilde] 9396% 9397An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree 9398murder. "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuff his lover's 9399mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border. 9400Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the 9401suitcase. Now, I would like to stress that my client is *not* a 9402murderer. A sloppy packer, maybe..." 9403% 9404An avocado-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume. 9405% 9406An economist is a man who would marry 9407Farrah Fawcett-Majors for her money. 9408% 9409An editor is one who separates the wheat from the chaff and prints the chaff. 9410 -- Adlai Stevenson 9411% 9412An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible. 9413% 9414An efficient and a successful administration manifests 9415itself equally in small as in great matters. 9416 -- W. Churchill 9417% 9418An egghead is one who stands firmly on both feet, 9419in mid-air, on both sides of an issue. 9420 -- Homer Ferguson 9421% 9422An elderly couple were flying to their Caribbean hideaway on a chartered plane 9423when a terrible storm forced them to land on an uninhabited island. When 9424several days passed without rescue, the couple and their pilot sank into a 9425despondent silence. Finally, the woman asked her husband if he had made his 9426usual pledge to the United Way Campaign. 9427 "We're running out of food and water and you ask *that*?" her husband 9428barked. "If you really need to know, I not only pledged a half million but 9429I've already paid them half of it." 9430 "You owe the U.W.C. a *quarter million*?" the woman exclaimed 9431euphorically. "Don't worry, Harry, they'll find us! They'll find us!" 9432% 9433An elephant is a mouse with an operating system. 9434% 9435An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an 9436anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no doubt 9437already heard. After some observations and rough calculations the 9438engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing. A few minutes later 9439the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself happily as he now 9440has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper. This leaves the 9441mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed right away that he 9442was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite rapidly the presence of 9443humour from similar anecdotes, but considers this anecdote to be too 9444trivial a corollary to be significant, let alone funny. 9445% 9446An engineer is someone who does list processing in FORTRAN. 9447% 9448An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose. 9449 -- A.P. Herbert 9450% 9451An evil mind is a great comfort. 9452% 9453An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch. He wears 9454a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is advertised 9455only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and Rich 9456Protestant Golfer Magazine. The advertisements are written in 9457incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote 9458excellence: 9459 9460"The Rolex Hyperion. An elegant new standard in quality excellence and 9461discriminating handcraftsmanship. For the individual who is truly able 9462to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting 9463things by hand. Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold. No watch 9464parts or anything. Just a great big chunk on your wrist. Truly a 9465timeless statement. For the individual who is very secure. Who 9466doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful. 9467Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high 9468school. Because of his acne. People who are probably nowhere near as 9469successful as he is now. Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and 9470they'll see his Rolex Hyperion. Hahahahahahahahaha." 9471 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 9472% 9473...an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and quite often 9474picturesque liar. 9475 -- Mark Twain 9476% 9477An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made, in a 9478very narrow field. 9479 -- Niels Bohr 9480% 9481An expert is a person who avoids the small errors 9482as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy. 9483 -- Benjamin Stolberg 9484% 9485An expert is one who knows more and more about less 9486and less until he knows absolutely nothing about everything. 9487% 9488An eye in a blue face 9489Saw an eye in a green face. 9490"That eye is like this eye" 9491Said the first eye, 9492"But in low place, 9493Not in high place." 9494% 9495An Hacker there was, one of the finest sort 9496Who controlled the system; graphics was his sport. 9497A manly man, to be a wizard able; 9498Many a protected file he had sitting on his table. 9499His console, when he typed, a man might hear 9500Clicking and feeping wind as clear, 9501Aye, and as loud as does the machine room bell 9502Where my lord Hacker was Prior of the cell. 9503The Rule of good St Savage or St Doeppnor 9504As old and strict he tended to ignore; 9505He let go by the things of yesterday 9506And took the modern world's more spacious way. 9507He did not rate that text as a plucked hen 9508Which says that Hackers are not holy men. 9509And that a hacker underworked is a mere 9510Fish out of water, flapping on the pier. 9511That is to say, a hacker out of his cloister. 9512That was a text he held not worth an oyster. 9513And I agreed and said his views were sound; 9514Was he to study till his head wend round 9515Poring over books in the cloisters? Must he toil 9516As Andy bade and till the very soil? 9517Was he to leave the world upon the shelf? 9518Let Andy have his labor to himself! 9519 -- Chaucer 9520 [well, almost. Ed.] 9521% 9522An honest politician is one who when he is bought will stay bought. 9523 -- Simon Cameron 9524 9525There are honest journalists like there are honest politicians. When 9526bought they stay bought. 9527 -- Bill Moyers 9528% 9529An honest tale speeds best being plainly told. 9530 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 9531% 9532An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it. 9533% 9534An idealist is one who helps the other fellow to make a profit. 9535 -- Henry Ford 9536% 9537An idle mind is worth two in the bush. 9538% 9539An infallible method of conciliating a tiger 9540is to allow oneself to be devoured. 9541 -- Konrad Adenauer 9542% 9543An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself. 9544 -- Albert Camus 9545% 9546An interpretation I satisfies a sentence in the table language if and only if 9547each entry in the table designates the value of the function designated by the 9548function constant in the upper-left corner applied to the objects designated 9549by the corresponding row and column labels. 9550 -- Genesereth & Nilsson, "Logical foundations of Artificial 9551 Intelligence" 9552% 9553An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest. 9554 -- Benjamin Franklin 9555% 9556An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity 9557in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him. 9558 "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if 9559you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like 9560an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an 9561hour seems like a minute." 9562 The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a 9563moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?" 9564 -- Arthur Naiman 9565% 9566An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and 9567great-grandchildren gathered around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of 9568a deeply loved family member. The old man is in a light coma, and the doctors 9569have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four 9570hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes whispers: "I must be dreaming 9571of heaven... I smell my daughter Lisle's strudel." 9572 "No, no, grandfather, you are not dreaming", he is reassured. 9573"Grandmother is baking strudel right now." 9574 A faint smile crosses the old man's face. "Go an get me a sliver of 9575strudel," he says, "she bakes the finest strudel in the world." 9576 One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old 9577man's request, and, after what seems a long time, he returns empty-handed. 9578 "Did you bring me some of Lisle's strudel?", the old man quavers. 9579 "I'm... I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the 9580funeral." 9581% 9582An optimist is a guy that has never had much experience. 9583 -- Don Marquis 9584% 9585An optimist is a man who looks forward to marriage. 9586A pessimist is a married optimist. 9587% 9588An ounce of clear truth is worth a pound of obfuscation. 9589% 9590An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition. 9591 -- Michael Korda 9592% 9593An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest. 9594 -- Spanish proverb 9595% 9596Anarchy may not be a better form of government, 9597but it's better than no government at all. 9598% 9599And all that the Lorax left here in this mess 9600was a small pile of rocks with the one word, "unless." 9601Whatever THAT meant, well, I just couldn't guess. 9602That was long, long ago, and each day since that day, 9603I've worried and worried and worried away. 9604Through the years as my buildings have fallen apart, 9605I've worried about it with all of my heart. 9606 9607"BUT," says the Oncler, "now that you're here, 9608the word of the Lorax seems perfectly clear! 9609UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot, 9610nothing is going to get better - it's not. 9611So... CATCH!" cries the Oncler. He lets something fall. 9612"It's a truffula seed. It's the last one of all! 9613 9614"You're in charge of the last of the truffula seeds. 9615And truffula trees are what everyone needs. 9616Plant a new truffula -- treat it with care. 9617Give it clean water and feed it fresh air. 9618Grow a forest -- protect it from axes that hack. 9619Then the Lorax and all of his friends may come back!" 9620% 9621And as we stand on the edge of darkness 9622Let our chant fill the void 9623That others may know 9624 9625 In the land of the night 9626 The ship of the sun 9627 Is drawn by 9628 The grateful dead. 9629 -- Tibetan "Book of the Dead," ca. 4000 BC. 9630% 9631And Bezel saideth unto Sham: `Sham,' he saideth, `Thou shalt goest 9632unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine 9633bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits, 9634provideth that they are nice and fresh.' 9635 -- Dave Barry 9636% 9637And Bezel saideth unto Sham: "Sham," he saideth, "Thou shalt goest 9638unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine 9639bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits, 9640provideth that they are nice and fresh." 9641 -- Dave Barry, "Getting Religion" 9642% 9643And did those feet, in ancient times, 9644Walk upon England's mountains green? 9645And was the Holy Lamb of God 9646In England's pleasant pastures seen? 9647And did the Countenance Divine 9648Shine forth upon these crowded hills? 9649And was Jerusalem builded here 9650Among these dark satanic mills? 9651 9652Bring me my bow of burning gold! 9653Bring me my arrows of desire! 9654Bring me my spears! O clouds unfold! 9655Bring me my chariot of fire! 9656I shall not cease from mental fight, 9657Nor shall my sword rest in my hand, 9658Till we have built Jerusalem 9659In England's green and pleasant land. 9660 -- William Blake, "Jerusalem" 9661% 9662And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel? 9663% 9664And ever has it been known that 9665love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation. 9666 -- Kahlil Gibran 9667% 9668And he climbed with the lad up the Eiffelberg Tower. "This," cried the Mayor, 9669"is your town's darkest hour! The time for all Whos who have blood that is red 9670to come to the aid of their country!" he said. "We've GOT to make noises in 9671greater amounts! So, open your mouth, lad! For every voice counts!" Thus he 9672spoke as he climbed. When they got to the top, the lad cleared his throat and 9673he shouted out, "YOPP!" 9674 And that Yopp... That one last small, extra Yopp put it over! 9675Finally, at last! From the speck on that clover their voices were heard! 9676They rang out clear and clean. And they elephant smiled. "Do you see what 9677I mean?" They've proved they ARE persons, no matter how small. And their 9678whole world was saved by the smallest of All!" 9679 "How true! Yes, how true," said the big kangaroo. "And, from now 9680on, you know what I'm planning to do? From now on, I'm going to protect 9681them with you!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "ME TOO! From 9682the sun in the summer. From rain when it's fall-ish, I'm going to protect 9683them. No matter how small-ish!" 9684 -- Dr. Seuss "Horton Hears a Who" 9685% 9686And here I wait so patiently 9687Waiting to find out what price 9688You have to pay to get out of 9689Going thru all of these things twice 9690 -- Dylan, "Memphis Blues Again" 9691% 9692And I alone am returned to wag the tail. 9693% 9694And I heard Jeff exclaim, as they strolled out of sight, 9695"Merry Christmas to all -- you take credit cards, right?" 9696% 9697And I suppose the little things are harder to get used to than the big 9698ones. The big ones you get used to, you make up your mind to them. The 9699little things come along unexpectedly, when you aren't thinking about 9700them, aren't braced against them. 9701 -- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "The Forbidden Tower" 9702% 9703And I will do all these good works, and I will do them for free! 9704My only reward will be a tombstone that says "Here lies Gomez 9705Addams -- he was good for nothing." 9706 -- Jack Sharkey, The Addams Family 9707% 9708And if California slides into the ocean, 9709Like the mystics and statistics say it will. 9710I predict this motel will be standing, 9711Until I've paid my bill. 9712 -- Warren Zevon, "Desperados Under the Eaves" 9713% 9714And if sometime, somewhere, someone asketh thee, 9715"Who kilt thee?", tell them it 'twas the Doones of Bagworthy! 9716% 9717And if you wonder, 9718What I am doing, 9719As I am heading for the sink. 9720I am spitting out all the bitterness, 9721Along with half of my last drink. 9722% 9723And in the heartbreak years that lie ahead, 9724Be true to yourself and the Grateful Dead. 9725 -- Joan Baez 9726% 9727And it should be the law: If you use the word `paradigm' without knowing 9728what the dictionary says it means, you go to jail. No exceptions. 9729 -- David Jones 9730% 9731And malt does more than Milton can to justify God's ways to man. 9732 -- A.E. Housman 9733% 9734And miles to go before I sleep. 9735% 9736And now for something completely the same. 9737% 9738And now your toner's toney, Disk blocks aplenty 9739And your paper near pure white, Await your laser drawn lines, 9740The smudges on your soul are gone Your intricate fonts, 9741And your output's clean as light.. Your pictures and signs. 9742 9743We've labored with your father, Your amputative absence 9744The venerable XGP, Has made the Ten dumb, 9745But his slow artistic hand, Without you, Dover, 9746Lacks your clean velocity. We're system untounged- 9747 9748Theses and papers DRAW Plots and TEXage 9749And code in a queue Have been biding their time, 9750Dover, oh Dover, With LISP code and programs, 9751We've been waiting for you. And this crufty rhyme. 9752 9753Dover, oh Dover, Dover, oh Dover, arisen from dead. 9754We welcome you back, Dover, oh Dover, awoken from bed. 9755Though still you may jam, Dover, oh Dover, welcome back to the Lab. 9756You're on the right track. Dover, oh Dover, we've missed your clean 9757 hand... 9758% 9759And on the eighth day, we bulldozed it. 9760% 9761And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode. 9762% 9763...and report cards I was always afraid to show 9764Mama'd come to school 9765and as I'd sit there softly cryin' 9766Teacher'd say he's just not tryin' 9767Got a good head if he'd apply it 9768but you know yourself 9769it's always somewhere else 9770I'd build me a castle 9771with dragons and kings 9772and I'd ride off with them 9773As I stood by my window 9774and looked out on those 9775Brooklyn roads 9776 -- Neil Diamond, "Brooklyn Roads" 9777% 9778And so it was, later, 9779As the miller told his tale, 9780That her face, at first just ghostly, 9781Turned a whiter shade of pale. 9782 -- Procol Harum 9783% 9784And that's the way it is... 9785 -- Walter Cronkite 9786% 9787And the crowd was stilled. One elderly man, wondering at the sudden silence, 9788turned to the Child and asked him to repeat what he had said. Wide-eyed, 9789the Child raised his voice and said once again, "Why, the Emperor has no 9790clothes! He is naked!" 9791 -- "The Emperor's New Clothes" 9792% 9793And the French medical anatomist Etienne Serres really did argue that 9794black males are primitive because the distance between their navel and 9795penis remains small (relative to body height) throughout life, while 9796white children begin with a small separation but increase it during 9797growth -- the rising belly button as a mark of progress. 9798 -- S.J. Gould, "Racism and Recapitulation" 9799% 9800And the silence came surging softly backwards 9801When the plunging hooves were gone... 9802 -- Walter de La Mare, "The Listeners" 9803% 9804And they shall beat their swords into plowshares, for if you hit a man 9805with a plowshare, he's going to know he's been hit. 9806% 9807And this is a table ma'am. What in essence it consists of is a horizontal 9808rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical columnar supports, 9809which we call legs. The tables in this laboratory, ma'am, are as advanced 9810in design as one will find anywhere in the world. 9811 -- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men" 9812% 9813And this is good old Boston, 9814The home of the bean and the cod, 9815Where the Lowells talk only to Cabots, 9816And the Cabots talk only to God. 9817% 9818And tomorrow will be like today, only more so. 9819 -- Isaiah 56:12, New Standard Version 9820% 9821And we heard him exclaim 9822As he started to roam: 9823"I'm a hologram, kids, 9824please don't try this at home!'" 9825 -- Bob Violence 9826% 9827And what accomplished villains these old engineers were! What diabolical 9828ways to sabotage they found! Nikolai Karlovich von Meck, of the People's 9829Comissariat of Railroads ... would hold forth for hours on end about the 9830economic problems involved in the construction of socialism, and he loved to 9831give advice. One such pernicious piece of advice was to increase the size 9832of freight trains and not worry about heavier than average loads. The GPU 9833exposed van Meck, and he was shot: his objective had been to wear out rails 9834and roadbeds, freight cars and locomotives, so as to leave the Republic 9835without railroads in case of foreign military intervention! When, not long 9836afterward, the new People's Commissar of Railroads ordered that average 9837loads should be increased, and even doubled and tripled them, the malicious 9838engineers who protested became known as limiters ... they were rightly 9839shot for their lack of faith in the possibilities of socialist transport. 9840 -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago" 9841% 9842And... What in the world ever became of Sweet Jane? 9843 She's lost her sparkle, you see she isn't the same. 9844 Livin' on reds, vitamin C, and cocaine 9845 All a friend can say is "Ain't it a shame?" 9846 -- The Grateful Dead 9847% 9848And yet I should have dearly liked, I own, to have touched her lips; to 9849have questioned her, that she might have opened them; to have looked upon 9850the lashes of her downcast eyes, and never raised a blush; to have let 9851loose waves of hair, an inch of which would be a keepsake beyond price: 9852in short, I should have liked, I do confess, to have had the lightest 9853license of a child, and yet been man enough to know its value. 9854 -- Charles Dickens 9855% 9856And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have 9857a sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks 9858tragedy, and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets 9859tragedy face to face, we have politics. 9860 -- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland, 9861 "Root Crops and Ground Cover" 9862% 9863And you can't get any Watney's Red Barrel, 9864because the bars close every time you're thirsty... 9865% 9866"And, you know, I mustn't preach to you, but surely it wouldn't be right for 9867you to take away people's pleasure of studying your attire, by just going 9868and making yourself like everybody else. You feel that, don't you?" said 9869he, earnestly. 9870 -- William Morris, "Notes from Nowhere" 9871% 9872Andrea's Admonition: 9873 Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you. 9874 If you think his window is closed and he can't hear you, 9875 it isn't and he can. 9876% 9877ANDROPHOBIA: 9878 Fear of men. 9879% 9880Anger is momentary madness. 9881 -- Horace 9882% 9883Anger kills as surely as the other vices. 9884% 9885Animals can be driven crazy by putting too many in too small a pen. 9886Homo sapiens is the only animal that voluntarily does this to himself. 9887 -- Lazarus Long 9888% 9889Ankh if you love Isis. 9890% 9891Announcing the NEW VAX 11/782!! 9892 9893Be the envy of other major Communist Governments! 9894 9895Defend yourself against the entire ICBM force of the imperialist USA with 9896just one of the processors, at the same time you're designing missile IC's, 9897cracking secret NATO codes and editing propaganda for your own people all 9898at the same time with the other! (Well, you really can't, but the Americans 9899think you can, and that's the point, right?) 9900% 9901ANOINT: 9902 To grease a king or other great 9903 functionary already sufficiently slippery. 9904% 9905Another day, another dollar. 9906 -- Vincent J. Fuller, defense lawyer for John Hinckley, 9907 upon Hinckley's acquittal for shooting President Ronald 9908 Reagan. 9909% 9910Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree. 9911% 9912Another megabytes the dust. 9913% 9914Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but 9915television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and 9916world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers 9917whiter teeth *and* fresher breath. 9918 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly" 9919% 9920Another such victory over the Romans, and we are undone. 9921 -- Pyrrhus 9922% 9923Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit. 9924 -- Proverbs, 26:5 9925% 9926Anthony's Law of the Workshop: 9927 Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible 9928 corner of the workshop. 9929 9930Corollary: 9931 On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike 9932 your toes. 9933% 9934Antique fairy tale: Little Red Riding Hood. 9935Modern fairy tale: Oswald, acting alone, shot Kennedy. 9936% 9937Anti-trust laws should be approached with exactly that attitude. 9938% 9939Antonio Antonio 9940Was tired of living alonio 9941He thought he would woo Antonio Antonio 9942Miss Lucamy Lu, Rode of on his polo ponio 9943Miss Lucamy Lucy Molonio. And found the maid 9944 In a bowery shade, 9945 Sitting and knitting alonio. 9946Antonio Antonio 9947Said if you will be my ownio 9948I'll love tou true Oh nonio Antonio 9949And buy for you You're far too bleak and bonio 9950An icery creamry conio. And all that I wish 9951 You singular fish 9952 Is that you will quickly begonio. 9953Antonio Antonio 9954Uttered a dismal moanio 9955And went off and hid 9956Or I'm told that he did 9957In the Antartical Zonio. 9958% 9959ANTONYM: 9960 The opposite of the word you're trying to think of. 9961% 9962Anxious after the delay, Gruber doesn't waste any time getting the Koenig 9963[a modified Porsche] up to speed, and almost immediately we are blowing off 9964Alfas, Fiats, and Lancias full of excited Italians. These people love fast 9965cars. But they love sport too and no passing encounter goes unchallenged. 9966Nothing serious, just two wheels into your lane as you're bearing down on 9967them at 130-plus -- to see if you're paying attention. 9968 -- Road & Track article about driving two absurdly fast 9969 cars across Europe. 9970% 9971Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts 9972which are unobtainable, and three parts which are still under development. 9973% 9974Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art. 9975 -- Charles McCabe 9976% 9977Any coward can sit in his home and criticize a pilot for flying into a 9978mountain in a fog. But I would rather, by far, die on a mountainside 9979than in bed. What kind of man would live where there is no daring? 9980And is life so dear that we should blame men for dying in adventure? 9981Is there a better way to die? 9982 -- Charles Lindbergh 9983% 9984Any excuse will serve a tyrant. 9985 -- Aesop 9986% 9987Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that this 9988country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a whole week. 9989% 9990Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a 9991wise person to be able to sell it. 9992% 9993Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of sense to know 9994how to lie well. 9995 -- Samuel Butler 9996% 9997Any girl can be glamorous; all you have to do is stand still and look 9998stupid. 9999 -- Hedy Lamarr 10000% 10001Any given program, when running, is obsolete. 10002% 10003Any given program will expand to fill available memory. 10004% 10005Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche -- 10006a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance, my 10007grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off the 10008fence." I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was undoubtedly 10009true. 10010 -- Solomon Short 10011% 10012Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner. 10013% 10014Any man can work when every stroke of his hand brings down the fruit 10015rattling from the tree to the ground; but to labor in season and out 10016of season, under every discouragement, by the power of truth -- that 10017requires a heroism which is transcendent. 10018 -- Henry Ward Beecher 10019% 10020Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad. 10021 -- Leo Rosten, on W.C. Fields 10022% 10023Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be 10024liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall 10025be deemed to be a cat. 10026 -- Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London 10027% 10028"Any news from the President on a successor?" he asked hopefully. 10029"None," Anita replied. "She's having great difficulty finding someone 10030qualified who is willing to accept the post." 10031 "Then I stay," said Dr. Fresh. "I'm not good for much, but I 10032can at least make a decision." 10033 "Somewhere," he grumphed, "there must be a naive, opportunistic 10034young welp with a masochistic streak who would like to run the most 10035up-and-down bureaucracy in the history of mankind." 10036 -- R.L. Forward, "Flight of the Dragonfly" 10037% 10038Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there. 10039 -- Sydney Harris 10040% 10041Any president should have the right to shoot 10042at least two people a year without explanation. 10043 -- Herbert Hoover, discussing the press 10044% 10045Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent. 10046 -- Lazarus Long 10047% 10048Any program which runs right is obsolete. 10049% 10050Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used. 10051% 10052Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere. Climb the mountain 10053just a little to test it's a mountain. From the top of the mountain, you 10054cannot see the mountain. 10055 -- Bene Gesserit proverb 10056% 10057Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere. 10058Climb the mountain just a little to test it's a mountain. 10059From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain. 10060 -- Bene Gesserit proverb, "Dune" 10061% 10062Any small object that is accidentally 10063dropped will hide under a larger object. 10064% 10065Any sufficiently advanced bug becomes a feature. 10066% 10067Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo. 10068% 10069Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. 10070 -- Arthur Clarke 10071% 10072Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours. 10073 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. 10074% 10075Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. 10076% 10077Anybody has a right to evade taxes if he can get away with it. No citizen 10078has a moral obligation to assist in maintaining his government. 10079 -- J.P. Morgan 10080% 10081Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years 10082organising and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office. 10083 -- David Broder 10084% 10085Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the 10086sight of a police car is probably parked. 10087% 10088Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire. 10089% 10090Anyone can become angry -- that is easy; but to be angry with the right 10091person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose 10092and in the right way -- that is not easy. 10093 -- Aristotle 10094% 10095Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is 10096supposed to be doing. 10097% 10098Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm. 10099 -- Publilius Syrus 10100% 10101"Anyone can say 'no'. It is the first word a child learns and often the 10102first word he speaks. It is a cheap word because it requires no 10103explanation, and many men and women have acquired a reputation for 10104intelligence who know only this word and have used it in place of 10105thought on every occasion." 10106 -- Chuck Jones (Warner Bros. animation director.) 10107% 10108Anyone stupid enough to be caught by the police is probably guilty. 10109% 10110Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. 10111At best he is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, 10112bathe and not make messes in the house. 10113 -- Lazarus Long 10114% 10115Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat. 10116 -- R. Heinlein 10117% 10118Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. 10119 -- Samuel Goldwyn 10120% 10121Anyone who has attended a USENIX conference in a fancy hotel can tell you 10122that a sentence like "You're one of those computer people, aren't you?" 10123is roughly equivalent to "Look, another amazingly mobile form of slime 10124mold!" in the mouth of a hotel cocktail waitress. 10125 -- Elizabeth Zwicky 10126% 10127Anyone who has had a bull by the tail 10128knows five or six more things than someone who hasn't. 10129 -- Mark Twain 10130% 10131Anyone who imagines that all fruits ripen at the same time 10132as the strawberries, knows nothing about grapes. 10133 -- Philippus Paracelsus 10134% 10135Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President 10136should on no account be allowed to do the job. 10137 -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy 10138% 10139Anyone who knows history, particularly the history of Europe, will, I think, 10140recognize that the domination of education or of government by any one 10141particular religious faith is never a happy arrangement for the people. 10142 -- Eleanor Roosevelt 10143% 10144Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. 10145 -- Groucho Marx 10146% 10147Anything anybody can say about America is true. 10148 -- Emmett Grogan 10149% 10150Anything cut to length will be too short. 10151% 10152Anything free is worth what you'll pay for it. 10153% 10154Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate. 10155% 10156Anything is good if it's made of chocolate. 10157% 10158Anything is possible on paper. 10159 -- Ron McAfee 10160% 10161Anything is possible, unless it's not. 10162% 10163Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. 10164The label means the price went up. 10165The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW" 10166means the price went way up. 10167% 10168Anything that is worth doing has been done frequently. Things hitherto 10169undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth. 10170 -- Max Beerbohm, "Mainly on the Air" 10171% 10172Anything worth doing is worth overdoing. 10173% 10174Anytime things appear to be going better, you've overlooked something. 10175% 10176Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this 10177big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around -- 10178nobody big, I mean -- except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy 10179cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go 10180over the cliff -- I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're 10181going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I'd do 10182all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye. I know it; I know it's crazy, 10183but that's the only thing I'd really like to be. I know it's crazy. 10184 -- J.D. Salinger, "Catcher in the Rye" 10185% 10186Apathy Club meeting this Friday. 10187If you want to come, you're not invited. 10188% 10189APHASIA: 10190 Loss of speech in social scientists when asked 10191 at parties, "But of what use is your research?" 10192% 10193aphorism, n.: 10194 A concise, clever statement. 10195afterism, n.: 10196 A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late. 10197 -- James Alexander Thom 10198% 10199APL hackers do it in the quad. 10200% 10201APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of the 10202future for the programming techniques of the past: it creates a new generation 10203of coding bums. 10204 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 10205% 10206APL is a natural extension of assembler language programming; 10207...and is best for educational purposes. 10208 -- A. Perlis 10209% 10210APL is a write-only language. I can write programs 10211in APL, but I can't read any of them. 10212 -- Roy Keir 10213% 10214Appearances often are deceiving. 10215 -- Aesop 10216% 10217APPENDIX: 10218 A portion of a book, for which nobody yet has discovered any use. 10219% 10220Applause, n: 10221 The echo of a platitude from the mouth of a fool. 10222 -- Ambrose Bierce 10223% 10224April is the cruellest month... 10225 -- Thomas Stearns Eliot 10226% 10227AQUADEXTROUS: 10228 Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub 10229 faucet on and off with your toes. 10230 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 10231% 10232aquadextrous, adj.: 10233 Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off 10234with your toes. 10235 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 10236% 10237AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) 10238 You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. 10239 You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be 10240 careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over 10241 and over again. People think you are stupid. 10242% 10243AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18) 10244 A friend will step forward and confide in you about your breath. Rely 10245 on your outgoing personality and winning smile to get you into a lot 10246 of trouble. Be relaxed, things will change. Look for a pink slip on 10247 payday. Stop wetting your bed. 10248% 10249AQUARIUS (Jan.20 - Feb.18) 10250 You are the type of person who never has enough money to do what 10251 you want. Don't expect things to get any better today, either. 10252 As a matter of fact they might get worse. Intensify your 10253 relationship with your bank and any friends you have who might be 10254 able to lend you a few bucks. 10255% 10256Aquavit is also considered useful for medicinal purposes, an essential 10257ingredient in what I was once told is the Norwegian cure for the common 10258cold. You get a bottle, a poster bed, and the brightest colored stocking 10259cap you can find. You put the cap on the post at the foot of the bed, 10260then get into bed and drink aquavit until you can't see the cap. I've 10261never tried this, but it sounds as though it should work. 10262 -- Peter Nelson 10263% 10264Are we not men? 10265% 10266Are we running light with overbyte? 10267% 10268Are Women Human? 10269In the year 584, in Lyon, France, 43 Catholic bishops and 20 men 10270representing other bishops, after a lengthy debate, took a vote. 10271The results were 32 yes, 31 no. Women were declared human by one 10272vote. 10273% 10274Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to 10275say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... 10276 10277 Are you sure you're telling the truth? Think hard. 10278 Does it make you happy to know you're sending me to an early grave? 10279 If all your friends jumped off the cliff, would you jump too? 10280 Do you feel bad? How do you think I feel? 10281 Aren't you ashamed of yourself? 10282 Don't you know any better? 10283 How could you be so stupid? 10284 If that's the worst pain you'll ever feel, you should be thankful. 10285 You can't fool me. I know what you're thinking. 10286 If you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all. 10287% 10288Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to 10289say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... 10290 10291 Do as I say, not as I do. 10292 Do me a favour and don't tell me about it. I don't want to know. 10293 What did you do *this* time? 10294 If it didn't taste bad, it wouldn't be good for you. 10295 When I was your age... 10296 I won't love you if you keep doing that. 10297 Think of all the starving children in India. 10298 If there's one thing I hate, it's a liar. 10299 I'm going to kill you. 10300 Way to go, clumsy. 10301 If you don't like it, you can lump it. 10302% 10303Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to 10304say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... 10305 10306 Go away. You bother me. 10307 Why? Because life is unfair. 10308 That's a nice drawing. What is it? 10309 Children should be seen and not heard. 10310 You'll be the death of me. 10311 You'll understand when you're older. 10312 Because. 10313 Wipe that smile off your face. 10314 I don't believe you. 10315 How many times have I told you to be careful? 10316 Just because. 10317% 10318Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to 10319say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... 10320 10321 Good children always obey. 10322 Quit acting so childish. 10323 Boys don't cry. 10324 If you keep making faces, someday it'll freeze that way. 10325 Why do you have to know so much? 10326 This hurts me more than it hurts you. 10327 Why? Because I'm bigger than you. 10328 Well, you've ruined everything. Now are you happy? 10329 Oh, grow up. 10330 I'm only doing this because I love you. 10331% 10332Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to 10333say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... 10334 10335 When are you going to grow up? 10336 I'm only doing this for your own good. 10337 Why are you crying? Stop crying, or I'll give you something to 10338 cry about. 10339 What's wrong with you? 10340 Someday you'll thank me for this. 10341 You'd lose your head if it weren't attached. 10342 Don't you have any sense at all? 10343 If you keep sucking your thumb, it'll fall off. 10344 Why? Because I said so. 10345 I hope you have a kid just like yourself. 10346% 10347Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to 10348say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... 10349 10350 You wouldn't understand. 10351 You ask too many questions. 10352 In order to be a man, you have to learn to follow orders. 10353 That's for me to know and you to find out. 10354 Don't let those bullies push you around. Go in there and stick 10355 up for yourself. 10356 You're acting too big for your britches. 10357 Well, you broke it. Now are you satisfied? 10358 Wait till your father gets home. 10359 Bored? If you're bored, I've got some chores for you. 10360 Shape up or ship out. 10361% 10362Are you making all this up as you go along? 10363% 10364"Are you police officers?" 10365"No, ma'am. We're musicians." 10366 -- The Blues Brothers 10367% 10368Are you sure the back door is locked? 10369% 10370"Are you sure you're not an encyclopedia salesman?" 10371No, Ma'am. Just a burglar, come to ransack the flat." 10372 -- Monty Python 10373% 10374Are your glasses mended with a strip of masking tape right over your nose? 10375Do you put pennies in the slots in your penny loafers? 10376Does your bow-tie flash "hey you kid" in red neon at parties? 10377Do you think pizza before noon is unhealthy? 10378Do you use the "greasy kid's stuff" to stick down your cowlick? 10379Do you wear a "nerd-pack" in your shirt pocket to keep the dozen 10380 or so pencils from marking the cloth? 10381Do you think Mary Jane is somebody's name? 10382Is illegal fishing is something only a daring criminal would do? 10383Is Batman your hero? Superman? Green Lantern? The Shadow? 10384Do you think girls who kiss on the first date are loose? 10385 10386 Rate yourself on the nerd-o-matic scale. (1 point for each YES answer) 103870-2 -- You are really hip, a real cool cat, a hoopy frood. 103883-5 -- There is hope for you yet. 103896-7 -- Uh-oh, trouble in River City. 103908-10 -- Your immortal soul is in peril. 1039111+ -- Does suicide seem attractive? 10392% 10393Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours. 10394 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul 10395% 10396Arguments are extremely vulgar, for everyone 10397in good society holds exactly the same opinion. 10398 -- O. Wilde 10399% 10400Arguments with furniture are rarely productive. 10401% 10402ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19) 10403 You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are 10404 quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not 10405 very nice. 10406% 10407ARIES (Mar.21 - Apr.19) 10408 You are a wonderfully interesting, honest, hard-working person 10409 and you should make many new friends, but you won't because you've 10410 got a mean streak in you a mile wide. 10411% 10412ARITHMETIC: 10413 An obscure art no longer practiced in 10414 the world's developed countries. 10415% 10416Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes. 10417 -- Mickey Mouse 10418% 10419ARMADILLO: 10420 To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle. 10421% 10422Armenians and Azerbaijanis in Stepanakert, capital of the Nagorno-Karabakh 10423autonomous region, rioted over much needed spelling reform in the Soviet 10424Union. 10425 -- P.J. O'Rourke 10426% 10427Armor's Axiom: 10428 Virtue is the failure to achieve vice. 10429% 10430Armstrong's Collection Law: 10431 If the check is truly in the mail, 10432 it is surely made out to someone else. 10433% 10434Arnold's Addendum: 10435 Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats. 10436% 10437Arnold's Laws of Documentation: 10438 1.) If it should exist, it doesn't. 10439 2.) If it does exist, it's out of date. 10440 3.) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the 10441 first two laws. 10442% 10443Around the turn of this century, a composer named Camille Saint-Saens wrote 10444a satirical zoological-fantasy called "Le Carnaval des Animaux." Aside from 10445one movement of this piece, "The Swan", Saint-Saens didn't allow this work 10446to be published or even performed until a year had elapsed after his death. 10447(He died in 1921.) 10448 Most of us know the "Swan" movement rather well, with its smooth, 10449flowing cello melody against a calm background; but I've been having this 10450fantasy... 10451 What if he had written this piece with lyrics, as a song to be sung? 10452And, further, what if he had accompanied this song with a musical saw? (This 10453instrument really does exist, often played by percussionists!) Then the 10454piece would be better known as: 10455 SAINT-SAENS' SAW SONG "SWAN"! 10456% 10457Arrakis teaches the attitude of the knife - chopping off what's 10458incomplete and saying: "Now it's complete because it's ended here." 10459 -- Muad'dib, "Dune" 10460% 10461Art is a jealous mistress. 10462 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 10463% 10464Art is a lie which makes us realize the truth. 10465 -- Picasso 10466% 10467Art is anything you can get away with. 10468 -- Marshall McLuhan. 10469% 10470Art is Nature speeded up and God slowed down. 10471 -- Chazal 10472% 10473Art is the tree of life. Science is the tree of death. 10474% 10475Arthur's Laws of Love: 10476 1. People to whom you are attracted invariably think you 10477 remind them of someone else. 10478 2. The love letter you finally got the courage to send will 10479 be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool 10480 of yourself in person. 10481% 10482Article the Third: 10483 Where a crime of the kidneys has been committed, the accused should 10484 enjoy the right to a speedy diaper change. Public announcements and 10485 guided tours of the aforementioned are not necessary. 10486Article the Fourth: 10487 The decision to eat strained lamb or not should be with the "feedee" 10488 and not the "feeder". Blowing the strained lamb into the feeder's 10489 face should be accepted as an opinion, not as a declaration of war. 10490Article the Fifth: 10491 Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize, whether it be in church, 10492 a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours when the 10493 lights are out. They have not yet learned that joy and laughter have 10494 to last a lifetime and must be conserved. 10495 -- Erma Bombeck, "A Baby's Bill of Rights" 10496% 10497Artificial intelligence has the same relation to intelligence as 10498artificial flowers have to flowers. 10499 -- David Parnas 10500% 10501Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum. 10502% 10503As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing. 10504% 10505As a professional humorist, I often get letters from readers who are 10506interested in the basic nature of humor. "What kind of a sick perverted 10507disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask, "that you make 10508jokes about setting fire to a goat?" 10509 -- Dave Barry 10510% 10511As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and 10512I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist. 10513This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls. 10514 -- Matt Cartmill 10515% 10516As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, 10517and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a 10518scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls. 10519 -- M. Cartmill 10520% 10521As an Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are sitting in a pub, quaffing 10522a few, three flies buzz down from the ceiling and lazily circle each drinker. 10523Suddenly "buzzzzzzzzplooop", each fly does a kamakazi dive into a different 10524glass. 10525 The Englishman take a disgusted look at his pint, dips the fly out 10526with a spoon, flicks the fly over his shoulder, and drains the glass. 10527 The Aussie notices the fly as he puts the glass to his lips. With 10528a quick puff he blows the bug out in a cloud of foam, and tosses the beer 10529down in one gulp. 10530 Then, as they both look on, awestruck, the Scotsman gently grasps the 10531fly by its wings, lifts it out of his brew and shakes it off. Then, in a 10532firm voice he speaks to the fly: "There y'are now laddie, safe and sound. 10533NOW SPIT IT OOOOT!" 10534% 10535As crazy as hauling timber into the woods. 10536 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 10537% 10538As failures go, attempting to recall the past is like trying to grasp 10539the meaning of existence. Both make one feel like a baby clutching at 10540a basketball: one's palms keep sliding off. 10541 -- Joseph Brodsky 10542% 10543As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; 10544and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. 10545 -- Einstein 10546% 10547As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. 10548 -- Weisert 10549% 10550As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport. 10551 -- Shakespeare, "King Lear" 10552% 10553As for the women, though we scorn and flout 'em, 10554We may live with, but cannot live without 'em. 10555 -- Frederic Reynolds 10556% 10557As Gen. de Gaulle occasionally acknowledges America to be the daughter 10558of Europe, so I am pleased to come to Yale, the daughter of Harvard. 10559 -- J.F. Kennedy 10560% 10561As goatherd learns his trade by goat, so writer learns his trade by wrote. 10562% 10563As he had feared, his orders had been forgotten and everyone had brought 10564the potato salad. 10565% 10566As I argued in "Beloved Son", a book about my son Brian and the subject of 10567religious communes and cults, one result of proper early instruction in the 10568methods of rational thought will be to make sudden mindless conversions -- 10569to anything -- less likely. Brian now realizes this and has, after eleven 10570years, left the sect he was associated with. The problem is that once the 10571untrained mind has made a formal commitment to a religious philosophy -- 10572and it does not matter whether that philosophy is generally reasonable and 10573high-minded or utterly bizarre and irrational -- the powers of reason are 10574surprisingly ineffective in changing the believer's mind. 10575 -- Steve Allen 10576% 10577As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very 10578pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!! 10579 -- Jack Handey 10580% 10581As I thought, no better from this side. 10582 -- Eeyore 10583% 10584As I was going up Punch Card Hill, 10585 Feeling worse and worser, 10586There I met a C.R.T. 10587 And it drop't me a cursor. 10588 10589C.R.T., C.R.T., 10590 Phosphors light on you! 10591If I had fifty hours a day 10592 I'd spend them all at you. 10593 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes 10594% 10595As I was passing Project MAC, 10596I met a Quux with seven hacks. 10597Every hack had seven bugs; 10598Every bug had seven manifestations; 10599Every manifestation had seven symptoms. 10600Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks, 10601How many losses at Project MAC? 10602% 10603As I was walking down the street one dark and dreary day, 10604I came upon a billboard and much to my dismay, 10605The words were torn and tattered, 10606From the storm the night before, 10607The wind and rain had done its work and this is how it goes, 10608 10609Smoke Coca-Cola cigarettes, chew Wrigleys Spearmint beer, 10610Ken-L-Ration dog food makes your complexion clear, 10611Simonize your baby in a Hershey candy bar, 10612And Texaco's a beauty cream that's used by every star. 10613 10614Take your next vacation in a brand new Frigedaire, 10615Learn to play the piano in your winter underwear, 10616Doctors say that babies should smoke until they're three, 10617And people over sixty-five should bathe in Lipton tea. 10618% 10619As in certain cults it is possible to 10620kill a process if you know its true name. 10621 -- Ken Thompson and Dennis M. Ritchie 10622% 10623As in Protestant Europe, by contrast, where sects divided endlessly into 10624smaller competing sects and no church dominated any other, all is different 10625in the fragmented world of IBM. That realm is now a chaos of conflicting 10626norms and standards that not even IBM can hope to control. You can buy a 10627computer that works like an IBM machine but contains nothing made or sold by 10628IBM itself. Renegades from IBM constantly set up rival firms and establish 10629standards of their own. When IBM recently abandoned some of its original 10630standards and decreed new ones, many of its rivals declared a puritan 10631allegiance to IBM's original faith, and denounced the company as a divisive 10632innovator. Still, the IBM world is united by its distrust of icons and 10633imagery. IBM's screens are designed for language, not pictures. Graven 10634images may be tolerated by the luxurious cults, but the true IBM faith relies 10635on the austerity of the word. 10636 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988 10637% 10638As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great 10639industries are secure. We hear about constitutional rights, free speech 10640and the free press. Every time I hear these words I say to myself, "That 10641man is a Red, that man is a Communist". You never hear a real American 10642talk like that. 10643 -- Frank Hague, 1896-1956 10644% 10645As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong? 10646% 10647As long as there are ill-defined goals, bizarre bugs, and unrealistic 10648schedules, there will be Real Programmers willing to jump in and Solve 10649The Problem, saving the documentation for later. 10650% 10651As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination. 10652When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular. 10653 -- Oscar Wilde, "Intentions" 10654% 10655As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality. 10656One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly 10657useful and interesting, I just had to share it. 10658 10659Answer each of the following items "true" or "false" 10660 10661 1. I salivate at the sight of mittens. 10662 2. If I go into the street, I'm apt to be bitten by a horse. 10663 3. Some people never look at me. 10664 4. Spinach makes me feel alone. 10665 5. My sex life is A-okay. 10666 6. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit. 10667 7. I like to kill mosquitoes. 10668 8. Cousins are not to be trusted. 10669 9. It makes me embarrassed to fall down. 1067010. I get nauseous from too much roller skating. 1067111. I think most people would cry to gain a point. 1067212. I cannot read or write. 1067313. I am bored by thoughts of death. 1067414. I become homicidal when people try to reason with me. 1067515. I would enjoy the work of a chicken flicker. 1067616. I am never startled by a fish. 1067717. My mother's uncle was a good man. 1067818. I don't like it when somebody is rotten. 1067919. People who break the law are wise guys. 1068020. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend. 10681% 10682As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality. 10683One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly 10684useful and interesting, I just had to share it. 10685 10686Answer each of the following items "true" or "false" 10687 10688 1. I think beavers work too hard. 10689 2. I use shoe polish to excess. 10690 3. God is love. 10691 4. I like mannish children. 10692 5. I have always been disturbed by the sight of Lincoln's ears. 10693 6. I always let people get ahead of me at swimming pools. 10694 7. Most of the time I go to sleep without saying goodbye. 10695 8. I am not afraid of picking up door knobs. 10696 9. I believe I smell as good as most people. 1069710. Frantic screams make me nervous. 1069811. It's hard for me to say the right thing when I find myself in a room 10699 full of mice. 1070012. I would never tell my nickname in a crisis. 1070113. A wide necktie is a sign of disease. 1070214. As a child I was deprived of licorice. 1070315. I would never shake hands with a gardener. 1070416. My eyes are always cold. 1070517. Cousins are not to be trusted. 1070618. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit. 1070719. I am never startled by a fish. 1070820. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend. 10709% 10710As me an' me marrer was readin' a tyape, 10711The tyape gave a shriek mark an' tried tae escyape; 10712It skipped ower the gyate tae the end of the field, 10713An' jigged oot the room wi' a spool an' a reel! 10714Follow the leader, Johnny me laddie, 10715Follow it through, me canny lad O; 10716Follow the transport, Johnny me laddie, 10717Away, lad, lie away, canny lad O! 10718 -- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 10719% 10720As of next Thursday, UNIX will be flushed in favor of TOPS-10. 10721Please update your programs. 10722% 10723As of next Tuesday, C will be flushed in favor of COBOL. 10724Please update your programs. 10725% 10726As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code. 10727% 10728As part of an ongoing effort to keep you, the Fortune reader, abreast of 10729the valuable information the daily crosses the USENET, Fortune presents: 10730 10731News articles that answer *your* questions, #1: 10732 10733 Newsgroups: comp.sources.d 10734 Subject: how do I run C code received from sources 10735 Keywords: C sources 10736 Distribution: na 10737 10738 I do not know how to run the C programs that are posted in the 10739 sources newsgroup. I save the files, edit them to remove the 10740 headers, and change the mode so that they are executable, but I 10741 cannot get them to run. (I have never written a C program before.) 10742 10743 Must they be compiled? With what compiler? How do I do this? If 10744 I compile them, is an object code file generated or must I generate 10745 it explicitly with the > character? Is there something else that 10746 must be done? 10747% 10748As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 programs; 10749a process that traditionally requires some debugging. 10750 -- USA Today, referring to the Internal Revenue Service 10751 conversion to a new computer system. 10752% 10753As some day it may happen that a victim must be found 10754I've got a little list -- I've got a little list 10755Of society offenders who might well be underground 10756And who never would be missed -- who never would be missed. 10757 -- Koko, "The Mikado" 10758% 10759As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn't 10760as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be 10761discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large 10762part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in 10763my own programs. 10764 -- Maurice Wilkes, designer of EDSAC, on programming, 1949 10765% 10766As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably 10767because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. 10768 -- Woody Allen 10769% 10770As the system comes up, the component builders will from time to time appear, 10771bearing hot new versions of their pieces -- faster, smaller, more complete, 10772or putatively less buggy. The replacement of a working component by a new 10773version requires the same systematic testing procedure that adding a new 10774component does, although it should require less time, for more complete and 10775efficient test cases will usually be available. 10776 -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month" 10777% 10778As to Jesus of Nazareth... I think the system of Morals and his Religion, 10779as he left them to us, the best the World ever saw or is likely to see; 10780but I apprehend it has received various corrupting Changes, and I have, 10781with most of the present Dissenters in England, some doubts as to his 10782divinity. 10783 -- Benjamin Franklin 10784% 10785As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay. 10786 -- Miguel de Cervantes 10787% 10788As Will Rogers would have said, 10789"There is no such things as a free variable." 10790% 10791As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple memory 10792aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time to order 10793chocolate dishes: Any month whose name contains the letter A, E, or U is the 10794proper time for chocolate. 10795 -- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion" 10796% 10797As you grow older, you will still do foolish things, 10798but you will do them with much more enthusiasm. 10799 -- The Cowboy 10800% 10801As you will see, I told them, in no uncertain terms, to see Figure one. 10802 -- Dave "First Strike" Pare 10803% 10804As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself." 10805% 10806ASCII: 10807 The control code for all beginning programmers and those who would 10808 become computer literate. Etymologically, the term has come down as 10809 a contraction of the often-repeated phrase "ascii and you shall 10810 receive." 10811 -- Robb Russon 10812% 10813ASCII a stupid question, you get an EBCDIC answer. 10814% 10815ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS. 10816% 10817Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, 10818If God won't have you, the devil must. 10819% 10820Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if 10821one went to Harvard). 10822 -- Edgar R. Fiedler 10823% 10824Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you 10825will pay only the station-to-station rate. 10826 -- Howard Kandel 10827% 10828Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls... 10829if thou art in the bathtub, it tolls for thee. 10830% 10831Ask not what's inside your head, but what your head's inside of. 10832 -- J.J. Gibson 10833% 10834Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so. 10835 -- John Stuart Mill 10836% 10837Asked how she felt being the first woman to make a major-league team, she 10838said, "Like a pig in mud," or words to that effect, and then turned and 10839released a squirt of tobacco juice from the wad of rum soaked plug in her 10840right cheek. She chewed a rare brand of plug called Stuff It, which she 10841learned to chew when she was playing Nicaraguan summer ball. She told the 10842writers, "They were so mean to me down there you couldn't write it in your 10843newspaper. I took a gun everywhere I went, even to bed. *Especially* to 10844bed. Guys were after me like you can't believe. That's when I started 10845chewing tobacco -- because no matter how bad anybody treats you, it's not 10846as bad as this. This is the worst chew in the world. After this, 10847everything else is peaches and cream." The writers elected Gentleman Jim, 10848the Sparrow's P.R. guy, to bite off a chunk and tell them how it tasted, 10849and as he sat and chewed it tears ran down his old sunburnt cheeks and he 10850couldn't talk for a while. Then he whispered, "You've been chewing this for 10851two years? God, I had no idea it was so hard to be a woman." 10852 -- Garrison Keillor 10853% 10854Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a 10855lamp-post how it feels about dogs. 10856 -- Christopher Hampton 10857% 10858Assembly language experience is [important] for the maturity 10859and understanding of how computers work that it provides. 10860 -- D. Gries 10861% 10862Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve. Run 10863with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be strengthened. Keep 10864the company of bums and you will become a bum. Hang around with rich people 10865and you will end by picking up the check and dying broke. 10866 -- Stanley Walker 10867% 10868Astrology... just a bunch of Taurus. 10869% 10870Asynchronous inputs are at the root of our race problems. 10871 -- D. Winker and F. Prosser 10872% 10873At about 2500 A.D., humankind discovers a computer problem that *must* be 10874solved. The only difficulty is that the problem is NP complete and will 10875take thousands of years even with the latest optical biologic technology 10876available. The best computer scientists sit down to think up some solution. 10877In great dismay, one of the C.S. people tells her husband about it. There 10878is only one solution, he says. Remember physics 103, Modern Physics, general 10879relativity and all. She replies, "What does that have to do with solving 10880a computer problem?" 10881 "Remember the twin paradox?" 10882 After a few minutes, she says, "I could put the computer on a very 10883fast machine and the computer would have just a few minutes to calculate but 10884that is the exact opposite of what we want... Of course! Leave the 10885computer here, and accelerate the earth!" 10886 The problem was so important that they did exactly that. When 10887the earth came back, they were presented with the answer: 10888 10889 IEH032 Error in JOB Control Card. 10890% 10891At ebb tide I wrote a line upon the sand, and gave it all my heart and all 10892my soul. At flood tide I returned to read what I had inscribed and found my 10893ignorance upon the shore. 10894 -- Kahlil Gibran 10895% 10896At first sight, the idea of any rules or principles being superimposed on 10897the creative mind seems more likely to hinder than to help, but this is 10898quite untrue in practice. Disciplined thinking focuses inspiration rather 10899than blinkers it. 10900 -- G.L. Glegg, "The Design of Design" 10901% 10902At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, 10903a managerial challenge roughly comparable to herding cats. 10904 -- "The Washington Post Magazine", June 9, 1985 10905% 10906At last I've found the girl of my dreams. Last night she said to me, 10907"Once more, Strange, and this time *I'll* be Donnie and *you* be Marie. 10908 -- Strange de Jim 10909% 10910At least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand. 10911 -- J.B. White 10912% 10913At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his 10914thumb with a hammer. 10915 -- Marshall Lumsden 10916% 10917At once it struck me what quality went to form a man of achievement, 10918especially in literature, and which Shakespeare possessed so enormously 10919-- I mean negative capability, that is, when a man is capable of being 10920in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching 10921after fact and reason. 10922 -- John Keats 10923% 10924At social gatherings, I would amuse everyone by standing uponst the 10925coffee table and striking meself repeatedly upon the head with a brick. 10926 -- H.R. Gumby 10927% 10928At the end of your life there'll be a good rest, 10929and no further activities are scheduled. 10930% 10931At the foot of the mountain, thunder: 10932The image of Providing Nourishment. 10933Thus the superior man is careful of his words 10934And temperate in eating and drinking. 10935% 10936At the heart of science is an essential tension between two seemingly 10937contradictory attitudes -- an openness to new ideas, no matter how bizarre 10938or counterintuitive they may be, and the most ruthless skeptical scrutiny 10939of all ideas, old and new. This is how deep truths are winnowed from deep 10940nonsense. Of course, scientists make mistakes in trying to understand the 10941world, but there is a built-in error-correcting mechanism: The collective 10942enterprise of creative thinking and skeptical thinking together keeps the 10943field on track. 10944 -- Carl Sagan, "The Fine Art of Baloney Detection" 10945% 10946At the hospital, a doctor is training an intern on how to announce bad news 10947to the patients. The doctor tells the intern "This man in 305 is going to 10948die in six months. Go in and tell him." The intern boldly walks into the 10949room, over to the man's bedside and tells him "Seems like you're gonna die!" 10950The man has a heart attack and is rushed into surgery on the spot. The doctor 10951grabs the intern and screams at him, "What!?!? are you some kind of moron? 10952You've got to take it easy, work your way up to the subject. Now this man in 10953213 has about a week to live. Go in and tell him, but, gently, you hear me, 10954gently!" 10955 The intern goes softly into the room, humming to himself, cheerily 10956opens the drapes to let the sun in, walks over to the man's bedside, fluffs 10957his pillow and wishes him a "Good morning!" "Wonderful day, no? Say... 10958guess who's going to die soon!" 10959% 10960At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find 10961at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer. 10962% 10963At these prices, I lose money -- but I make it up in volume. 10964 -- Peter G. Alaquon 10965% 10966At times discretion should be thrown aside, 10967and with the foolish we should play the fool. 10968 -- Menander 10969% 10970At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the 10971number of pens that person is carrying. 10972% 10973Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 10974% 10975ATLANTA: 10976 An entire city surrounded by an airport. 10977% 10978Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason. 10979 -- Winston Churchill 10980% 10981Attorney General Edwin Meese III explained why the Supreme Court's Miranda 10982decision (holding that subjects have a right to remain silent and have a 10983lawyer present during questioning) is unnecessary: "You don't have many 10984suspects who are innocent of a crime. That's contradictory. If a person 10985is innocent of a crime, then he is not a suspect." 10986 -- U.S. News and World Report, 10/14/85 10987% 10988AUCTION: 10989 A gyp off the old block. 10990% 10991Audacity, and again, audacity, and always audacity. 10992 -- G.J. Danton 10993% 10994audiophile, n: 10995 Someone who listens to the equipment instead of the music. 10996% 10997Auribus teneo lupum. 10998[I hold a wolf by the ears.] 10999% 11000AUTHENTIC: 11001 Indubitably true, in somebody's opinion. 11002% 11003Authors are easy to get on with -- if you're fond of children. 11004 -- Michael Joseph, "Observer" 11005% 11006AUTOMOBILE: 11007 A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians. 11008% 11009Avec! 11010% 11011Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance. 11012% 11013Avoid cliches like the plague. 11014They're a dime a dozen. 11015% 11016Avoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight. 11017% 11018Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep. 11019% 11020Avoid reality at all costs. 11021% 11022Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but 11023we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you. 11024 -- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student 11025% 11026Avoid strange women and temporary variables. 11027% 11028Awash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining 11029ear and felt the presence of somebody else behind him, which caused terror 11030to push through his nervous system like a flash flood roaring down the 11031mid-fork of the Feather River before the completion of the Oroville Dam 11032in 1959. 11033 -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton 11034 bad fiction contest. 11035% 11036[Babe] Ruth made a big mistake when he gave up pitching. 11037 -- Tris Speaker, 1921 11038% 11039BACCHUS: 11040 A convenient deity invented by the ancients 11041 as an excuse for getting drunk. 11042% 11043BACHELOR: 11044 A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free. 11045% 11046BACHELOR: 11047 A man who chases women and never Mrs. one. 11048% 11049Back in '80 or '81 the workers were rioting in Gdansk and there were fears 11050that the Soviets would invade Poland to put down the demonstrations. Foreign 11051correspondents were curious as to just what the Poles would do if they were 11052invaded. They asked, "What will you do if the East Germans invade from the 11053West and the Soviets invade from the East? Who will you fight first?" 11054 To which the Poles replied, "Why, we will fight the Germans first. 11055Business before pleasure." 11056% 11057Back in the early 60's, touch tone phones only had 10 buttons. Some 11058military versions had 16, while the 12 button jobs were used only by people 11059who had "diva" (digital inquiry, voice answerback) systems -- mainly banks. 11060Since in those days, only Western Electric made "data sets" (modems) the 11061problems of terminology were all Bell System. We used to struggle with 11062written descriptions of dial pads that were unfamiliar to most people 11063(most phones were rotary then.) Partly in jest, some AT&T engineering 11064types (there was no marketing in the good old days, which is why they were 11065the good old days) made up the term "octalthorpe" (note spelling) to denote 11066the "pound sign." Presumably because it has 8 points sticking out. It 11067never really caught on. 11068% 11069Back when I was a boy, it was 40 miles to everywhere, 11070uphill both ways and it was always snowing. 11071% 11072BACKWARD CONDITIONING: 11073 Putting saliva in a dog's mouth in an attempt to make a bell ring. 11074% 11075Bacons not the only thing that's cured by hanging from a string. 11076% 11077BAD CRAZINESS, MAN!!! 11078% 11079Bad men live that they may eat and drink, 11080whereas good men eat and drink that they may live. 11081 -- Socrates 11082% 11083Bagdikian's Observation: 11084 Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper 11085 is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a ukulele. 11086% 11087Bahdges? We don't need no stinkin' bahdges! 11088 -- "The Treasure of Sierra Madre" 11089% 11090Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry: 11091 A block grant is a solid mass of money 11092 surrounded on all sides by governors. 11093% 11094BALLISTOPHOBIA: 11095 Fear of bullets; 11096OTOPHOBIA: 11097 Fear of opening one's eyes. 11098PECCATOPHOBIA: 11099 Fear of sinning. 11100TAPHEPHOBIA: 11101 Fear of being buried alive. 11102SITOPHOBIA: 11103 Fear of food. 11104TRICHOPHOBIA: 11105 Fear of hair. 11106VESTIPHOBIA: 11107 Fear of clothing. 11108% 11109BALTIMORE: 11110 A wharf-rat stealing Diogenes' lamp. 11111% 11112Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare. 11113% 11114Banacek's Eighteenth Polish Proverb: 11115 The hippo has no sting, but the wise 11116 man would rather be sat upon by the bee. 11117% 11118Bank error in your favor. Collect $200. 11119% 11120Barach's Rule: 11121 An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician. 11122% 11123Barbara's Rules of Bitter Experience: 11124 (1) When you empty a drawer for his clothes 11125 and a shelf for his toiletries, the relationship ends. 11126 (2) When you finally buy pretty stationary 11127 to continue the correspondence, he stops writing. 11128% 11129Barker's Proof: 11130 Proofreading is more effective after publication. 11131% 11132BAROMETER: 11133 An ingenious instrument which indicates 11134 what kind of weather we are having. 11135% 11136Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers. 11137 -- Tom Lehrer 11138% 11139Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game -- it, and high taxes. 11140 -- Will Rogers 11141% 11142Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game - it, and high taxes. 11143 -- The Best of Will Rogers 11144% 11145Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think 11146Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 11147 11148 (1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 11149 (2) Advising the President. 11150 (3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin. 11151 -- David Letterman 11152% 11153BASIC: 11154 A programming language. Related to certain social diseases 11155 in that those who have it will not admit it in polite company. 11156% 11157Basic Definitions of Science: 11158 If it's green or wiggles, it's biology. 11159 If it stinks, it's chemistry. 11160 If it doesn't work, it's physics. 11161% 11162Basic is a high level languish. 11163% 11164BASIC is to computer programming as QWERTY is to typing. 11165 -- Seymour Papert 11166% 11167Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd 11168come in and sink my boats. 11169 -- Woody Allen 11170% 11171Batteries not included. 11172% 11173Battle, n: 11174 A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that 11175 will not yield to the tongue. 11176 -- Ambrose Bierce 11177% 11178Be a better psychiatrist and the world 11179will beat a psychopath to your door. 11180% 11181BE A LOOF! (There has been a recent population explosion of lerts.) 11182% 11183BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts...) 11184% 11185Be both a speaker of words and a doer of deeds. 11186 -- Homer 11187% 11188Be careful! Is it classified? 11189% 11190Be careful! UGLY strikes 9 out of 10! 11191% 11192Be careful how you get yourself involved with persons or 11193situations that can't bear inspection. 11194% 11195Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint. 11196 -- Mark Twain 11197% 11198Be careful what you set your heart on -- for it will surely be yours. 11199 -- James Baldwin, "Nobody Knows My Name" 11200% 11201Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom. 11202% 11203Be careful when you bite into your hamburger. 11204 -- Derek Bok 11205% 11206Be cautious in your daily affairs. 11207% 11208Be cheerful while you are alive. 11209 -- Phathotep, 24th Century B.C. 11210% 11211Be circumspect in your liaisons with women. It is better 11212to be seen at the opera with a man than at mass with a woman. 11213 -- De Maintenon 11214% 11215Be different: conform. 11216% 11217Be frank and explicit with your lawyer ... it is his business to confuse 11218the issue afterwards. 11219% 11220Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! 11221Things won't get any better so get used to it. 11222% 11223Be incomprehensible. If they can't understand, they can't disagree. 11224% 11225Be independent. 11226Insult a rich relative today. 11227% 11228Be it our wealth, our jobs, or even our homes; 11229nothing is safe while the legislature is in session. 11230% 11231Be nice to people on the way up, because you'll meet them on your way down. 11232 -- Wilson Mizner 11233% 11234Be not anxious about what you have, but about what you are. 11235 -- Pope St. Gregory I 11236% 11237Be open to other people -- they may enrich your dream. 11238% 11239Be prepared to accept sacrifices. 11240Vestal virgins aren't all that bad. 11241% 11242Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent 11243and original in your work. 11244 -- Flaubert 11245% 11246Be security conscious -- National Defense is at stake. 11247% 11248Be self-reliant and your success is assured. 11249% 11250Be sociable. 11251Speak to the person next to you in the unemployment line tomorrow. 11252% 11253Be sure to evaluate the bird-hand/bush ratio. 11254% 11255Be valiant, but not too venturous. 11256Let thy attire be comely, but not costly. 11257 -- John Lyly 11258% 11259Beam me up, Scotty! 11260% 11261Beam me up, Scotty! It ate my phaser! 11262% 11263Beam me up, Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here! 11264% 11265Beat your son every day; you may not know why, but he will. 11266% 11267BEAUTY: 11268 What's in your eye when you have a bee in your hand. 11269% 11270Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life. 11271% 11272Beauty, brains, availability, personality; pick any two. 11273% 11274Beauty is one of the rare things which does not lead to doubt of God. 11275 -- Jean Anouilh 11276% 11277Beauty is truth, truth beauty, that is all 11278Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know. 11279 -- John Keats 11280% 11281Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone. 11282 -- Redd Foxx 11283% 11284Because I do, 11285Because I do not hope, 11286Because I do not hope to survive 11287Injustice from the Palace, death from the air, 11288Because I do, only do, 11289I continue... 11290 -- T.S. Pynchon 11291% 11292Because the wine remembers. 11293% 11294Because we don't think about future generations, 11295they will never forget us. 11296 -- Henrik Tikkanen 11297% 11298Been through hell? 11299What did you bring back for me? 11300% 11301Been Transferred Lately? 11302% 11303Beer -- it's not just for breakfast anymore. 11304% 11305Beer & Pretzels -- Breakfast of Champions. 11306% 11307Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more. 11308 -- Addison H. Hallock 11309% 11310Before destruction a man's heart is 11311haughty, but humility goes before honour. 11312 -- Psalms 18:12 11313% 11314...before I could come to any conclusion it occurred to me that my speech 11315or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility. What 11316did it matter what anyone knew or ignored? What did it matter who was 11317manager? One gets sometimes such a flash of insight. The essentials of 11318this affair lay deep under the surface, beyond my reach, and beyond my 11319power of meddling. 11320 -- Joseph Conrad 11321% 11322Before I knew the best part of my life had come, it had gone. 11323% 11324Before marriage the three little words are "I love you," after marriage 11325they are "Let's eat out." 11326% 11327Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego. 11328% 11329Before you ask more questions, think about whether 11330you really want to know the answers. 11331 -- Gene Wolfe, "The Claw of the Conciliator" 11332% 11333Beggar to well-dressed businessman: 11334 "Could you spare $20.95 for a fifth of Chivas?" 11335% 11336Beggars should be no choosers. 11337 -- John Heywood 11338% 11339Behind every argument is someone's ignorance. 11340% 11341Behind every great computer sits a skinny little geek. 11342% 11343Behind every successful man you'll find a woman with nothing to wear. 11344% 11345Behold the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket" -- which 11346is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but 11347the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and -- watch that 11348basket!" 11349 -- Mark Twain 11350% 11351Behold the unborn foetus and 11352 Weep salt tears crocodilian; 11353All life is sacred (save, of course, 11354 An enemy civilian). 11355% 11356Behold the warranty -- the bold print 11357giveth and the fine print taketh away. 11358% 11359Being a mime means never having to say you're sorry. 11360% 11361Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and 11362stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very 11363opposite applies with the judges. 11364 -- Beyond the Fringe 11365% 11366Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade, 11367since it consists principally of dealings with men. 11368 -- Conrad 11369% 11370Being asked solicitously about the state of her health was becoming bothersome 11371to the pregnant woman at the cocktail party. And yet another guest went over 11372and inquired, "Well, how are you feeling these days?" 11373 "Not too well," said the expectant mother. "You know, I've missed 11374seven or eight periods now and it's beginning to worry me." 11375% 11376Being frustrated is disagreeable, but the real 11377disasters in life begin when you get what you want. 11378% 11379Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart 11380enough to understand the game and dumb enough to think it's important. 11381 -- Eugene McCarthy 11382% 11383Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the 11384Boy Scouts have adult supervision. 11385 -- Blake Clark 11386% 11387Being owned by someone used to be called 11388slavery -- now it's called commitment. 11389% 11390Being popular is important. Otherwise people might not like you. 11391% 11392Being stoned on marijuana isn't very 11393different from being stoned on gin. 11394 -- Ralph Nader 11395% 11396Being the #2 man in the Justice Department under Ed Meese is akin to 11397standing next to a lamp post infested with pigeons. 11398 -- unnamed Justice Department official 11399% 11400Being ugly isn't illegal. Yet. 11401% 11402belief, n: 11403 Something you do not believe. 11404% 11405Believe everything you hear about the world; nothing is too 11406impossibly bad. 11407 -- Honore de Balzac 11408% 11409Bell Labs Unix - Reach out and grep someone. 11410% 11411Ben, why didn't you tell me? 11412 -- Luke Skywalker 11413% 11414Bennett's Laws of Horticulture: 11415 (1) Houses are for people to live in. 11416 (2) Gardens are for plants to live in. 11417 (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant. 11418% 11419Benson's Dogma: 11420 ASCII is our god, and Unix is his profit. 11421% 11422Bernard Shaw is an excellent man; he has not an enemy in the world, and 11423none of his friends like him either. 11424 -- Oscar Wilde 11425% 11426Bernard was a young eighty-three, not a gomer, and able to talk. He'd been 11427transferred from MBH (Man's Best Hospital), the House's Rival. Founded in 11428Colonial times by the WASPs, the insemination fo MBH by non-WASPs had taken 11429place only mid-twentieth century with the token multidextrous Oriental 11430surgeon, and finally, with the token red-hot internal-medicine Jew. Yet, 11431MBH was still Brooks Brothers, while the House was still the Garment District. 11432For Jews at MBH the password was "Dress British, Think Yiddish." It was 11433rare to get a TURF from the MBH to the House, and the Fat Man was curious: 11434"Bernard, you went to the MBH, they did a great work-up, and you told them, 11435after they got done, you wanted to be transferred here. Why?" 11436 "I rilly don't know," said Bernard. 11437 "Was it the doctors there? The doctors you didn't like?" 11438 "The doctus? Nah, the doctus I can't complain." 11439 "The test or the room?" 11440 "The tests or the room? Vell, nah, about them I can't complain." 11441 "The nurses? The food?" asked Fats, but Bernard shook his head no. 11442Fats laughed and said, "Listen , Bernie, you went to the MBH, they did this 11443great workup, and when I asked you shy you came to the House of God, all you 11444tell me is, 'Nah, I can't complain.' So why did you come here? Why, Bernie, 11445why?" 11446 "Vhy I come heah? Vell, said Bernie, "Heah I can complain." 11447 -- House of God 11448% 11449Bershere's Formula for Failure: 11450 There are only two kinds of people who fail: those who 11451 listen to nobody... and those who listen to everybody. 11452% 11453Besides the device, the box should contain: 11454 * Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING" 11455 * A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two 11456 club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns. 11457 11458YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable. 11459 11460IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your spouse 11461and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car that can get 11462all the way through the drive-through at Burger King without a major 11463transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's why." 11464 11465WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret. 11466 -- Dave Barry 11467% 11468Best Beer: A panel of tasters assembled by the Consumer's Union in 1969 11469judged Coors and Miller's High Life to be among the very best. Those who 11470doubt that beer is a serious subject might ponder its effect on American 11471history. For example, New England's first colonists decided to drop anchor 11472at Plymouth Rock instead of continuing on to Virginia because, as one of 11473them put it, "We could not now take time for further consideration, our 11474victuals being spent and especially our beer." 11475 -- Felton & Fowler's Best, Worst & Most Unusual 11476% 11477Best Mistakes In Films 11478 In his "Filgoer's Companion", Mr. Leslie Halliwell helpfully lists 11479four of the cinema's greatest moments which you should get to see if at all 11480possible. 11481 In "Carmen Jones", the camera tracks with Dorothy Dandridge down a 11482street; and the entire film crew is reflected in the shop window. 11483 In "The Wrong Box", the roofs of Victorian London are emblazoned 11484with television aerials. 11485 In "Decameron Nights", Louis Jourdain stands on the deck of his 11486fourteenth century pirate ship; and a white lorry trundles down the hill 11487in the background. 11488 In "Viking Queen", set in the times of Boadicea, a wrist watch is 11489clearly visible on one of the leading characters. 11490 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 11491% 11492Best of all is never to have been born. 11493Second best is to die soon. 11494% 11495beta test, v: 11496 To voluntarily entrust one's data, one's livelihood and one's 11497 sanity to hardware or software intended to destroy all three. 11498 In earlier days, virgins were often selected to beta test volcanos. 11499% 11500Better by far you should forget and 11501smile than that you should remember and be sad. 11502 -- Christina Rossetti 11503% 11504Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come 11505around while you have your life in such a mess. 11506% 11507Better hope you get what you want before you stop wanting it. 11508% 11509Better late than never. 11510 -- Titus Livius (Livy) 11511% 11512Better living a beggar than buried an emperor. 11513% 11514Better the prince of some inferior court, 11515Than second, or less, in beatific light. 11516 -- Lucifer, Joost van den Vondel's "Lucifer" 11517% 11518Better to be nouveau than never to have been riche at all. 11519% 11520Better to light one candle than to curse the darkness. 11521 -- motto of the Christopher Society 11522% 11523Better to use medicines at the outset than at the last moment. 11524% 11525Better tried by twelve than carried by six. 11526 -- Jeff Cooper 11527% 11528Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson Bay, 11529left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. Using a 11530bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and great effort 11531pushing boulders into a single word. 11532 It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow. 11533Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin 11534equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the 11535destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass both 11536Parliament and Party. 11537 It stands today, a monument to human spirit. If life exists on other 11538planets, this may be the first message received from us. 11539 -- The Realist, November, 1964. 11540% 11541Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree. 11542% 11543Between infinite and short there is a big difference. 11544 -- G.H. Gonnet 11545% 11546Between the idea 11547And the reality 11548Between the motion 11549And the act 11550Falls the Shadow 11551 -- T.S. Eliot, "The Hollow Man" 11552 11553 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 11554 referring to system service dispatching.] 11555% 11556BEWARE! People acting under the influence of human nature. 11557% 11558Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie. 11559% 11560Beware of a tall black man with one blond shoe. 11561% 11562Beware of a tall blond man with one black shoe. 11563% 11564Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather 11565a new wearer of clothes. 11566 -- Henry David Thoreau 11567% 11568Beware of Bigfoot! 11569% 11570Beware of bugs in the above code; 11571I have only proved it correct, not tried it. 11572 -- D. Knuth 11573% 11574Beware of friends who are false and deceitful. 11575% 11576Beware of geeks bearing graft. 11577% 11578Beware of low-flying butterflies. 11579% 11580Beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The 11581danger already exists that the mathematicians have made covenant with 11582the devil to darken the spirit and to confine man in the bonds of hell. 11583 -- St. Augustine 11584% 11585Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers. 11586 -- Leonard Brandwein 11587% 11588Beware of strong drink. It can make you 11589shoot at tax collectors -- and miss. 11590 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love" 11591% 11592Beware of the man who knows the answer before he understands the question. 11593% 11594"Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds 11595himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full of murderous 11596resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their 11597ignorance the hard way." 11598 -- Kurt Vonnegut 11599% 11600Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything 11601is possible but nothing of interest is easy. 11602% 11603Beware the new TTY code! 11604% 11605Beware the one behind you. 11606% 11607bi, n: 11608 When *everybody* thinks you're a pervert. 11609% 11610Bierman's Laws of Contracts: 11611 (1) In any given document, you can't cover all the "what if's". 11612 (2) Lawyers stay in business resolving all the unresolved "what if's". 11613 (3) Every resolved "what if" creates two unresolved "what if's". 11614% 11615Big book, big bore. 11616 -- Callimachus 11617% 11618Big M, Little M, many mumbling mice 11619Are making midnight music in the moonlight, 11620Mighty nice! 11621% 11622Bigamy is having one spouse too many. Monogamy is the same. 11623% 11624Biggest security gap -- an open mouth. 11625% 11626Bilbo's First Law: 11627 You cannot count friends that are all packed up in barrels. 11628% 11629Bill Dickey is learning me his experience. 11630 -- Yogi Berra in his rookie season. 11631% 11632Billy: Mom, you know that vase you said was handed down from 11633 generation to generation? 11634Mom: Yes? 11635Billy: Well, this generation dropped it. 11636% 11637Bingo, gas station, hamburger with a side order of airplane noise, 11638and you'll be Gary, Indiana. 11639 -- Jessie, "Greaser's Palace" 11640% 11641Bing's Rule: 11642 Don't try to stem the tide -- move the beach. 11643% 11644Biology grows on you. 11645% 11646Biology is the only science in which 11647multiplication means the same thing as division. 11648% 11649Birds and bees have as much to do with the facts of life as black 11650nightgowns do with keeping warm. 11651 -- Hester Mundis, "Powermom" 11652% 11653Birds are entangled by their feet and men by their tongues. 11654% 11655birth, n: 11656 The first and direst of all disasters. 11657 -- Ambrose Bierce 11658% 11659Birthdays are like busses, never the number you want. 11660% 11661Bistromathics is simply a revolutionary new way of understanding the 11662behavior of numbers. Just as Einstein observed that space was not an 11663absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in space, and that 11664time was not an absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in 11665time, so it is now realized that numbers are not absolute, but depend 11666on the observer's movement in restaurants. 11667 -- Douglas Adams 11668% 11669bit, n: 11670 A unit of measure applied to color. Twenty-four-bit color 11671 refers to expensive $3 color as opposed to the cheaper 25 11672 cent, or two-bit, color that use to be available a few years 11673 ago. 11674% 11675Bit off more than my mind could chew, 11676Shower or suicide, what do I do? 11677 -- Julie Brown, "Will I Make it Through the Eighties?" 11678% 11679Biz is better. 11680% 11681Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic. 11682% 11683Black people have never rioted. A riot is what white people think blacks 11684are involved in when they burn stores. 11685 -- Julius Lester 11686% 11687Black shiny mollies and bright colored guppies, 11688Shy little angels as gentle as puppies, 11689Swimming and diving with scarcely a swish, 11690They were just some of my tropical fish. 11691 11692Then I got mantas that sting in the water, 11693Deadly piranhas that itch for a slaughter, 11694Savage male betas that bite with a squish, 11695Now I have many less tropical fish. 11696 11697 If you think that 11698 Fish are peaceful 11699 That's an empty wish. 11700 Just dump them together 11701 And leave them alone, 11702 And soon you will have -- no fish. 11703 -- To My Favorite Things 11704% 11705Blackout, heatwave, .44 caliber homicide, 11706The bums drop dead and the dogs go mad in packs on the West Side, 11707A young girl standing on a ledge, looks like another suicide, 11708She wants to hit those bricks, 11709 'cause the news at six got to stick to a deadline, 11710While the millionaires hide in Beekman place, 11711The bag ladies throw their bones in my face, 11712I get attacked by a kid with stereo sound, 11713I don't want to hear it but he won't turn it down... 11714 -- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses" 11715% 11716Blame Saint Andreas -- it's all his fault. 11717% 11718Blessed are the forgetful: for they 11719get the better even of their blunders. 11720 -- Nietzsche 11721% 11722Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth. 11723% 11724Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt. 11725 -- Herbert Hoover 11726% 11727Blessed are they that have nothing to say, and who cannot be persuaded 11728to say it. 11729 -- James Russell Lowell 11730% 11731Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, 11732for they Shall be Known as Wheels. 11733% 11734Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed. 11735 -- W.C. Bennett 11736% 11737Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed. 11738 -- Alexander Pope 11739% 11740Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it, 11741for he shall enjoy living. 11742 -- W.C. Bennett 11743% 11744Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, 11745abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact. 11746 -- George Eliot 11747% 11748Blinding speed can compensate for a lot of deficiencies. 11749 -- David Nichols 11750% 11751blithwapping: 11752 Using anything BUT a hammer to hammer a nail into the 11753 wall, such as shoes, lamp bases, doorstops, etc. 11754 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 11755% 11756Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier. 11757% 11758Bloom's Seventh Law of Litigation: 11759 The judge's jokes are always funny. 11760% 11761Blow it out your ear. 11762% 11763Blue paint today. 11764 [Funny to Jack Slingwine, Guy Harris and Hal Pierson. Ed.] 11765% 11766Blutarsky's Axiom: 11767 Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to reason. 11768% 11769Body by Nautilus, Brain by Mattel. 11770% 11771Boling's postulate: 11772 If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it. 11773% 11774Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom: 11775 Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so 11776 vividly manifests their lack of progress. 11777% 11778Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them 11779seemed to come from Texas. 11780 -- Ian Fleming, "Casino Royale" 11781% 11782Bondage maybe, discipline never! 11783 -- T.K. 11784% 11785Bones: "The man's DEAD, Jim!" 11786% 11787Boob's Law: 11788 You always find something in the last place you look. 11789% 11790Booker's Law: 11791 An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction. 11792% 11793Bore, n: 11794 A person who talks when you wish him to listen. 11795 -- Ambrose Bierce 11796% 11797boss, n: 11798 According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages the 11799 words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss, 11800 in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an 11801 ornamental stud." 11802% 11803Boston: 11804 An outdoor Betty Ford Clinic. 11805% 11806Boston: 11807 Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports 11808 fans for finishing second in the Irish jig competition. 11809% 11810Both models are identical in performance, functional operation, and 11811interface circuit details. The two models, however, are not compatible 11812on the same communications line connection. 11813 -- Bell System Technical Reference 11814% 11815Boucher's Observation: 11816 He who blows his own horn always plays the music 11817 several octaves higher than originally written. 11818% 11819Bounders get bound when they are caught bounding. 11820 -- Ralph Lewin 11821% 11822Bower's Law: 11823 Talent goes where the action is. 11824% 11825Bowie's Theorem: 11826 If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment. 11827% 11828Boy! Eucalyptus! 11829% 11830Boy, get your head out of the stars above, 11831You get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love. 11832Save your heart and let your body be enough, 11833To get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love. 11834Save your heart and let your body be enough, 11835And get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love. 11836 -- Mac Macinelli, "Minimum Love" 11837% 11838Boy, I sure wish that I could be in the 11839'Advanced Systems Development' group! 11840% 11841boy, n: 11842 A noise with dirt on it. 11843% 11844Boy, that crayon sure did hurt! 11845% 11846Boycott meat - suck your thumb. 11847% 11848Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men. 11849 -- Kin Hubbard 11850% 11851Bozo is the Brotherhood of Zips and Others. Bozos are people who band 11852together for fun and profit. They have no jobs. Anybody who goes on a 11853tour is a Bozo. Why does a Bozo cross the street? Because there's a Bozo 11854on the other side. It comes from the phrase vos otros, meaning others. 11855They're the huge, fat, middle waist. The archetype is an Irish drunk 11856clown with red hair and nose, and pale skin. Fields, William Bendix. 11857Everybody tends to drift toward Bozoness. It has Oz in it. They mean 11858well. They're straight-looking except they've got inflatable shoes. They 11859like their comforts. The Bozos have learned to enjoy their free time, 11860which is all the time. 11861 -- Firesign Theatre, "If Bees Lived Inside Your Head" 11862% 11863Brace yourselves. We're about to try something that borders on the unique: 11864an actually rather serious technical book which is not only (gasp) vehemently 11865anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides. I tend to think of it as 11866`Constructive Snottiness.' 11867 -- Mike Padlipsky, "Elements of Networking Style" 11868% 11869Bradley's Bromide: 11870 If computers get too powerful, we can organize 11871 them into a committee -- that will do them in. 11872% 11873Brady's First Law of Problem Solving: 11874 When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more 11875 easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger 11876 have handled this?" 11877% 11878Brahma said: Well, after hearing ten thousand explanations, a fool is no 11879wiser. But an intelligent man needs only two thousand five hundred. 11880 -- The Mahabharata 11881% 11882Brain fried -- core dumped 11883% 11884brain, n: 11885 The apparatus with which we think that we think. 11886 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 11887% 11888brain, v: [as in "to brain"] 11889 To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source 11890 of error in an opponent. 11891 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 11892% 11893brain-damaged, generalization of "Honeywell Brain Damage" (HBD), a 11894theoretical disease invented to explain certain utter cretinisms in 11895Multics, adj: 11896 Obviously wrong; cretinous; demented. There is an implication 11897 that the person responsible must have suffered brain damage, 11898 because he/she should have known better. Calling something 11899 brain-damaged is bad; it also implies it is unusable. 11900% 11901Brandy Davis, an outfielder and teammate of mine with the Pittsburgh Pirates, 11902is my choice for team captain. Cincinnati was beating us 3-1, and I led 11903off the bottom of the eighth with a walk. The next hitter banged a hard 11904single to right field. Feeling the wind at my back, I rounded second and 11905kept going, sliding safely into third base. 11906 With runners at first and third, and home-run hitter Ralph Kiner at 11907bat, our manager put in the fast Brandy Davis to run for the player at first. 11908Even with Kiner hitting and a change to win the game with a home run, Brandy 11909took off for second and made it. Now we had runners at second and third. 11910 I'm standing at third, knowing I'm not going anywhere, and see Brandy 11911start to take a lead. All of a sudden, here he comes. He makes a great slide 11912into third, and I scream, "Brandy, where are you going?" He looks up, and 11913shouts, "Back to second if I can make it." 11914 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game" 11915% 11916Brandy-and-water spoils two good things. 11917 -- Charles Lamb 11918% 11919Breadth-first search is the bulldozer of science. 11920 -- Randy Goebel 11921% 11922Break into jail and claim police brutality. 11923% 11924Breathe deep the gathering gloom. 11925Watch lights fade from every room. 11926Bed-sitter people look back and lament; 11927another day's useless energies spent. 11928 11929Impassioned lovers wrestle as one. 11930Lonely man cries for love and has none. 11931New mother picks up and suckles her son. 11932Senior citizens wish they were young. 11933 11934Cold-hearted orb that rules the night; 11935Removes the colors from our sight. 11936Red is grey and yellow white. 11937But we decide which is real, and which is an illusion." 11938 -- The Moody Blues, "Days of Future Passed" 11939% 11940Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience. 11941% 11942bride, n: 11943 A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. 11944% 11945Bridge ahead. Pay troll. 11946% 11947briefcase, n: 11948 A trial where the jury gets together and forms a lynching party. 11949% 11950Briefly stated, the findings are that when presented with an array of 11951data or a sequence of events in which they are instructed to discover 11952an underlying order, subjects show strong tendencies to perceive order 11953and causality in random arrays, to perceive a pattern or correlation 11954which seems a priori intuitively correct even when the actual correlation 11955in the data is counterintuitive, to jump to conclusions about the correct 11956hypothesis, to seek and to use only positive or confirmatory evidence, to 11957construe evidence liberally as confirmatory, to fail to generate or to 11958assess alternative hypotheses, and having thus managed to expose themselves 11959only to confirmatory instances, to be fallaciously confident of the validity 11960of their judgments (Jahoda, 1969; Einhorn and Hogarth, 1978). In the 11961analyzing of past events, these tendencies are exacerbated by failure to 11962appreciate the pitfalls of post hoc analyses. 11963 -- A. Benjamin 11964% 11965Brillineggiava, ed i tovoli slati 11966 girlavano ghimbanti nella vaba; 11967i borogovi eran tutti mimanti 11968 e la moma radeva fuorigraba. 11969 11970"Figliuolo mio, sta' attento al Gibrovacco, 11971 dagli artigli e dal morso lacerante; 11972fuggi l'uccello Giuggiolo, e nel sacco 11973 metti infine il frumioso Bandifante". 11974 -- "The Jabberwock" 11975% 11976Bringing computers into the home won't change 11977either one, but may revitalize the corner saloon. 11978% 11979Brisk talkers are usually slow thinkers. There is, indeed, no wild beast 11980more to be dreaded than a communicative man having nothing to communicate. 11981If you are civil to the voluble, they will abuse your patience; if 11982brusque, your character. 11983 -- Jonathan Swift 11984% 11985British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive 11986it. If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps. 11987 -- Peter Ustinov 11988% 11989British Israelites: 11990 The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of Britain to 11991be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by Sargon of Assyria 11992on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further believe that the future 11993can be foretold by the measurements of the Great Pyramid, which probably 11994means it will be big and yellow and in the hand of the Arabs. They also 11995believe that if you sleep with your head under the pillow a fairy will come 11996and take all your teeth. 11997 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 11998% 11999broad-mindedness, n: 12000 The result of flattening high-mindedness out. 12001% 12002Brogan's Constant: 12003 People tend to congregate in the back 12004 of the church and the front of the bus. 12005% 12006brokee, n: 12007 Someone who buys stocks on the advice of a broker. 12008% 12009Brooke's Law: 12010 Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool 12011 discovers something which either abolishes the system or 12012 expands it beyond recognition. 12013% 12014BS: You remind me of a man. 12015B: What man? 12016BS: The man with the power. 12017B: What power? 12018BS: The power of voodoo. 12019B: Voodoo? 12020BS: You do. 12021B: Do what? 12022BS: Remind me of a man. 12023B: What man? 12024BS: The man with the power... 12025 -- Cary Grant, "The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer" 12026% 12027Buck-passing usually turns out to be a boomerang. 12028% 12029Bucy's Law: 12030 Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. 12031% 12032Bug: 12033 An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect. 12034 The activity of "debugging," or removing bugs from a program, ends 12035 when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed. 12036% 12037bug, n: 12038 An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect. 12039 The activity of "debugging", or removing bugs from a program, ends 12040 when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed. 12041 -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984 12042% 12043Build a system that even a fool can use 12044and only a fool will want to use it. 12045% 12046Building translators is good clean fun. 12047 -- T. Cheatham 12048% 12049Bullwinkle: You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the outfit. 12050General: What does that make YOU? 12051Bullwinkle: What else? An executive. 12052% 12053Bumper sticker: 12054 All the parts falling off this car are 12055 of the very finest British manufacture. 12056% 12057Bunker's Admonition: 12058 You cannot buy beer; you can only rent it. 12059% 12060BURBULATION: 12061 The obsessive act of opening and closing a refrigerator door in 12062 an attempt to catch it before the automatic light comes on. 12063 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 12064% 12065Bureau Termination, Law of: 12066 When a government bureau is scheduled to be phased out, 12067 the number of employees in that bureau will double within 12068 12 months after the decision is made. 12069% 12070bureaucracy, n: 12071 A method for transforming energy into solid waste. 12072% 12073bureaucrat, n: 12074 A politician who has tenure. 12075% 12076Burke's Postulates: 12077 Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. 12078 Don't create a problem for which you do not have the answer. 12079% 12080Burnt Sienna. That's the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas. 12081 -- Ken Weaver 12082% 12083Bus error -- driver executed. 12084% 12085Bus error -- please leave by the rear door. 12086% 12087Bushydo -- the way of the shrub. Bonsai! 12088% 12089Business is a good game -- lots of competition 12090and minimum of rules. You keep score with money. 12091 -- Nolan Bushnell, founder of Atari 12092% 12093Business will be either better or worse. 12094 -- Calvin Coolidge 12095% 12096...but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be 12097proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge 12098to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women 12099were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a flaw; it is still 12100unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based on it were sound in logic and 12101in law. Nothing in any existing court was ever more thoroughly proved than 12102the charges of witchcraft and sorcery for which so many suffered death. If 12103there were no witches, human testimony and human reason are alike destitute 12104of value. 12105 -- Ambrose Bierce 12106% 12107But Captain -- the engines can't take this much longer! 12108% 12109But, for my own part, it was Greek to me. 12110 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 12111% 12112But has any little atom, 12113 While a-sittin' and a-splittin', 12114Ever stopped to think or CARE 12115 That E = m c**2 ? 12116% 12117"But Huey, you PROMISED!" 12118"Tell 'em I lied." 12119% 12120But I always fired into the nearest hill or, failing that, into blackness. 12121I meant no harm; I just liked the explosions. And I was careful never to 12122kill more than I could eat. 12123 -- Raoul Duke 12124% 12125But I don't like Spam!!!! 12126% 12127"But I don't want to go on the cart..." 12128"Oh, don't be such a baby!" 12129"But I'm feeling much better..." 12130"No you're not... in a moment you'll be stone dead!" 12131 -- Monty Python, "The Holy Grail" 12132% 12133But I find the old notions somehow appealing. Not that I want to go 12134back to them -- it is outrageous to have some outer authority tell you 12135what is proper use and abuse of your own faculties, and it is ludicrous 12136to hold reason higher than body or feeling. Still there is something 12137true and profoundly sane about the belief that acts like murder or 12138theft or assault violate the doer as well as the done to. We might 12139even, if we thought this way, have less crime. The popular view of 12140crime, as far as I can deduce it from the movies and television, is 12141that it is a breaking of a rule by someone who thinks they can get away 12142with that; implicitly, everyone would like to break the rule, but not 12143everyone is arrogant enough to imagine they can get away with it. It 12144therefore becomes very important for the rule upholders to bring such 12145arrogance down. 12146 -- Marilyn French, "The Woman's Room" 12147% 12148But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human 12149intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as 12150we can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues 12151that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding 12152of their world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard 12153example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads -- 12154makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing 12155whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a 12156finite or an infinite number. 12157 -- S.J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds" 12158% 12159But if you wish at once to do nothing and to be respectable 12160nowdays, the best pretext is to be at work on some profound study. 12161 -- Leslie Stephen, "Sketches from Cambridge" 12162% 12163But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the 12164system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed, 12165analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses. 12166 -- Bruce Leverett, 12167 "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers" 12168% 12169But it does move! 12170 -- Galileo Galilei 12171% 12172But like the Good Book says... There's BIGGER DEALS to come! 12173% 12174But, Mousie, thou art no thy lane, 12175In proving foresight may be vain: 12176The best laid schemes o' mice an' men 12177Gang aft a-gley, 12178An' lea'e us nought but grief and pain 12179For promised joy. 12180 -- Robert Burns, "To a Mouse", 1785 12181% 12182But, officer, he's not drunk, I just saw his fingers twitch! 12183% 12184But Officer, I stopped for the last one, and it was green! 12185% 12186But scientists, who ought to know 12187Assure us that it must be so. 12188Oh, let us never, never doubt 12189What nobody is sure about. 12190 -- Hilaire Belloc 12191% 12192But sex and drugs and rock & roll, why, they'd bring our blackest day. 12193% 12194But since I knew now that I could hope for nothing of greater value than 12195frivolous pleasures, what point was there in denying myself of them? 12196 -- M. Proust 12197% 12198But soft you, the fair Ophelia: 12199Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws, 12200But get thee to a nunnery -- go! 12201 -- Mark "The Bard" Twain 12202% 12203But these pills can't be habit forming; 12204I've been taking them for years. 12205% 12206But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad 12207place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge. 12208Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge? What 12209is a kludge, after all, but not enough K's, not enough ROM's, not 12210enough RAM's, poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around? 12211Have I explained yet about the bytes? 12212% 12213But you shall not escape my iambics. 12214 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus 12215% 12216But you who live on dreams, you are better pleased with the sophistical 12217reasoning and frauds of talkers about great and uncertain matters than 12218those who speak of certain and natural matters, not of such lofty nature. 12219 -- Leonardo Da Vinci, "The Codex on the Flight of Birds" 12220% 12221Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes 12222Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn; 12223Less dear than army ants in apple pies 12224Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn, 12225Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit; 12226Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose 12227They suck, and like the double-breasted suit 12228Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose, 12229Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed; 12230And stem the produce of thy waspish wits: 12231Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed; 12232Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits. 12233Be off, I say; go bug somebody new, 12234Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you. 12235% 12236buzzword, n: 12237 The fly in the ointment of computer literacy. 12238% 12239By doing just a little every day, you can 12240gradually let the task completely overwhelm you. 12241% 12242By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail. 12243% 12244By long-standing tradition, I take this opportunity to savage other 12245designers in the thin disguise of good, clean fun. 12246 -- P.J. Plauger, "Computer Language", 1988, April 12247 Fool's column. 12248% 12249By nature, men are nearly alike; 12250by practice, they get to be wide apart. 12251 -- Confucius 12252% 12253By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote. 12254In fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others 12255as it is to invent. 12256 -- R. Emerson 12257 -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program 12258 (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.") 12259 [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to 12260 misconstrue all these misquotations?!?" Ed.] 12261% 12262By perseverance the snail reached the Ark. 12263 -- Charles Spurgeon 12264% 12265By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death. 12266 -- Titus Lucretius Carus 12267% 12268By the time you swear you're his, 12269shivering and sighing 12270and he vows his passion is 12271infinite, undying -- 12272Lady, make a note of this: 12273One of you is lying. 12274 -- Dorothy Parker, "Unfortunate Coincidence" 12275% 12276By the yard, life is hard. 12277By the inch, it's a cinch. 12278% 12279By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. 12280Another man's, I mean. 12281 -- Mark Twain 12282% 12283By working faithfully eight hours a day, 12284you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve. 12285 -- Robert Frost 12286% 12287byob, v: 12288 Believing Your Own Bull 12289% 12290Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to 12291point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very 12292fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are 12293often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people 12294from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B 12295that so many people from point B are so keen to get there. They often 12296wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell 12297they wanted to be. 12298 -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy 12299% 12300BYTE editors are people who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then 12301carefully print the chaff. 12302% 12303Byte your tongue. 12304% 12305C Code. 12306C Code Run. 12307Run, Code, RUN! 12308 PLEASE!!!! 12309% 12310C for yourself. 12311% 12312C++ is the best example of second-system effect since OS/360. 12313% 12314C makes it easy for you to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes that 12315harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg. 12316 -- Bjarne Stroustrup 12317% 12318C, n: 12319 A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like 12320 assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything 12321 else. It is either the best language available to the art today, or 12322 it isn't. 12323 -- Ray Simard 12324% 12325cabbage, n: 12326 A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as 12327 a man's head. 12328 -- Ambrose Bierce 12329% 12330Cache: 12331 A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no one 12332 is supposed to know is there. 12333% 12334Cahn's Axiom: 12335 When all else fails, read the instructions. 12336% 12337California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange. 12338 -- Fred Allen 12339% 12340Californians are a strange people. They'll put every chemical known to God 12341and man up their nostrils and then laugh at you for putting sugar in your 12342coffee. 12343% 12344Call on God, but row away from the rocks. 12345 -- Indian proverb 12346% 12347Call things by their right names... Glass of brandy and water! That is the 12348current but not the appropriate name: ask for a glass of fire and distilled 12349damnation. 12350 -- Robert Hall, in Olinthus Gregory's, "Brief Memoir of the 12351 Life of Hall" 12352 12353 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 12354 referring to logical names.] 12355% 12356Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missle sighted, target 12357Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept. 12358% 12359Calling you stupid is an insult to stupid people! 12360 -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda" 12361% 12362Calm down, it's *only* ones and zeroes. 12363% 12364Calm down, it's only ones and zeroes, 12365Calm down, it's only bits and bytes, 12366Calm down, and speak to me in English, 12367Please realize that I'm not one of your computerites. 12368% 12369Calvin: "I wonder where we go when we die." 12370Hobbes: "Pittsburgh?" 12371Calvin: "You mean if we're good or if we're bad?" 12372% 12373Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle. 12374 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth 12375% 12376Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man 12377who ever came out of Plymouth Corner, Vermont. 12378 -- Clarence Darrow 12379% 12380Campbell's Law: 12381 Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter. 12382% 12383Campus crusade for Cthulhu -- it found me. 12384% 12385Can anyone remember when the times 12386were not hard, and money not scarce? 12387% 12388Can anything be sadder than work left unfinished? 12389Yes, work never begun. 12390% 12391Can you buy friendship? You not only can, you must. It's the 12392only way to obtain friends. Everything worthwhile has a price. 12393 -- Robert J. Ringer 12394% 12395Canada Bill Jones's Motto: 12396 It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. 12397 12398Canada Bill Jones's Supplement: 12399 A Smith and Wesson beats four aces. 12400% 12401Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. 12402It's 2 cents for postage and 30 cents for storage. 12403 -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post 12404% 12405CANCER (June 21 - July 22) 12406 This is a good time for those of you who are rich and happy, 12407 but a poor time for those of you born under this sign who are 12408 poor and unhappy. To tell you the truth, any day is tough 12409 when you're poor and unhappy. 12410% 12411Canonical, adj.: 12412 The usual or standard state or manner of something. A true story: 12413One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some annoyance at the use 12414of jargon. Over his loud objections, we made a point of using jargon as 12415much as possible in his presence, and eventually it began to sink in. 12416Finally, in one conversation, he used the word "canonical" in jargon-like 12417fashion without thinking. 12418 Steele: "Aha! We've finally got you talking jargon too!" 12419 Stallman: "What did he say?" 12420 Steele: "He just used `canonical' in the canonical way." 12421% 12422Can't act. Slightly bald. Also dances. 12423 -- RKO executive, reacting to Fred Astaire's screen test. 12424 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak" 12425% 12426Can't open /usr/fortunes. Lid stuck on cookie jar. 12427% 12428Can't open /usr/games/lib/fortunes.dat. 12429% 12430Capitalism is the extraordinary belief that the nastiest of men, for 12431the nastiest of reasons, will somehow work for the benefit of us all. 12432 -- John Maynard Keynes 12433% 12434CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19) 12435 Play your hunches. This is a day when luck will play an important 12436 part in your life. If you were smarter, you wouldn't need so much 12437 luck and you wouldn't be reading your horoscope, either. You are 12438 a suspicious person, and it will occur to you that astrologers 12439 don't know what they're talking about any more than your Aunt Martha. 12440% 12441CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19) 12442 Follow your instincts. You are much too scatterbrained to do anything 12443 else, such as think. Romance is in the air, but not for you, so forget 12444 it. That pimple on the end of your nose will get worse. 12445% 12446CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19) 12447 You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do 12448 much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn 12449 of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for 12450 too long as they tend to take root and become trees. 12451% 12452Captain Penny's Law: 12453 You can fool all of the people some of the time, and 12454 some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom. 12455% 12456Captain's Log, star date 21:34.5... 12457% 12458Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. 12459Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, 12460mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it 12461takes. 12462% 12463Carney's Law: There's at least a 50-50 chance that someone will print 12464the name Craney incorrectly. 12465 -- Jim Canrey 12466% 12467Carob works on the principle that, when mixed with the right combination of 12468fats and sugar, it can duplicate chocolate in color and texture. Of course, 12469the same can be said of dirt. 12470% 12471carperpetuation, n: 12472 The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a dozen 12473 times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting 12474 it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. 12475 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 12476% 12477Carson's Consolation: 12478 Nothing is ever a complete failure. 12479 It can always be used as a bad example. 12480% 12481Carson's Observation on Footwear: 12482 If the shoe fits, buy the other one too. 12483% 12484Carswell's Corollary: 12485 Whenever man comes up with a better mousetrap, 12486 nature invariably comes up with a better mouse. 12487% 12488Catch a wave and you're sitting on top of the world. 12489 -- The Beach Boys 12490% 12491Catharsis is something I associate with pornography and crossword puzzles. 12492 -- Howard Chaykin 12493% 12494Catproof is an oxymoron, childproof nearly so. 12495% 12496Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function. 12497 -- Garrison Keillor 12498% 12499Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't make eight cats pull 12500a sled through the snow. 12501% 12502Cats, no less liquid than their shadows, offer no angles to the wind. 12503% 12504Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. 12505 -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson" 12506% 12507Caution: Breathing may be hazardous to your health. 12508% 12509Caution: Keep out of reach of children. 12510% 12511CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh.. 12512% 12513CCI Power 6/40: one board, a megabyte of cache, and an attitude... 12514% 12515Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch. 12516% 12517Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the center 12518of the universe. The premise is wrong, but the navigation works. An 12519incorrect model can be a useful tool. 12520 -- Kelvin Throop III 12521% 12522Census Taker to Housewife: 12523Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, how many? 12524% 12525Center meeting at 4pm in 2C-543. 12526% 12527cerebral atrophy, n: 12528 The phenomena which occurs as brain cells become weak and sick, and 12529impair the brain's performance. An abundance of these "bad" cells can cause 12530symptoms related to senility, apathy, depression, and overall poor academic 12531performance. A certain small number of brain cells will deteriorate due to 12532everyday activity, but large amounts are weakened by intense mental effort 12533and the assimilation of difficult concepts. Many college students become 12534victims of this dread disorder due to poor habits such as overstudying. 12535 12536cerebral darwinism, n: 12537 The theory that the effects of cerebral atrophy can be reversed 12538through the purging action of heavy alcohol consumption. Large amounts of 12539alcohol cause many brain cells to perish due to oxygen deprivation. Through 12540the process of natural selection, the weak and sick brain cells will die 12541first, leaving only the healthy cells. This wonderful process leaves the 12542imbiber with a healthier, more vibrant brain, and increases mental capacity. 12543Thus, the devastating effects of cerebral atrophy are reversed, and academic 12544performance actually increases beyond previous levels. 12545% 12546Cerebus: I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel. 12547Jaka: Look, Cerebus -- Jaka has to tell you... something 12548Cerebus: If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy out 12549 of it? 12550Jaka: Oooh. 12551Cerebus: You don't like apricot brandy? 12552 -- Cerebus, #6, "The Secret" 12553% 12554Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long 12555walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They 12556then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy 12557health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, 12558not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find 12559only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the 12560others who have tried it. 12561 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 12562% 12563 12564Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the 12565most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of 12566Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which 12567reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground nuts) Order, the expression 12568nuts shall have reference to such nuts, other than ground nuts, as would 12569but for this amending Order not qualify as nuts (unground) (other than ground 12570nuts) by reason of their being nuts (unground)." 12571 -- Guiness Book of World Records, 1973 12572% 12573Certainly the game is rigged. 12574Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win. 12575 -- Robert Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love" 12576% 12577Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, 12578But it's very funny -- 12579did you ever try buying them without money? 12580 -- Ogden Nash 12581% 12582C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas la guerre! 12583% 12584C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas l'Informatique. 12585 -- Bosquet [on seeing the IBM 4341] 12586% 12587CF&C stole it, fair and square. 12588 -- Tim Hahn 12589% 12590Chairman of the Bored. 12591% 12592Chamberlain's Laws: 12593 1: The big guys always win. 12594 2: Everything tastes more or less like chicken. 12595% 12596Champagne don't make me lazy. Cocaine don't drive me crazy. 12597Ain't nobody's business but my own. 12598 -- Taj Mahal 12599% 12600Chance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign. 12601 -- Anatole France 12602% 12603Change your thoughts and you change your world. 12604% 12605Changing husbands/wives is only changing troubles. 12606 -- Kathleen Norris 12607% 12608Chaos is King and Magic is loose in the world. 12609% 12610Chapter 1: 12611 The story so far: 12612 In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made 12613a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. 12614% 12615Chapter 2: Newtonian Growth and Decay 12616 12617 The growth-decay formulas were developed in the trivial fashion by 12618Isaac Newton's famous brother Phigg. His idea was to provide an equation 12619that would describe a quantity that would dwindle and dwindle, but never 12620quite reach zero. Historically, he was merely trying to work out his 12621mortgage. Another versatile equation also emerged, one which would define 12622a function that would continue to grow, but never reach unity. This equation 12623can be applied to charging capacitors, over-damped springs, and the human 12624race in general. 12625% 12626character density, n.: 12627 The number of very weird people in the office. 12628% 12629Character is what you are in the dark! 12630 -- Lord John Whorfin 12631% 12632CHARITY: 12633 A thing that begins at home and usually stays there. 12634% 12635Charity begins at home. 12636 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) 12637% 12638Charlie Brown: Why was I put on this earth? 12639Linus: To make others happy. 12640Charlie Brown: Why were others put on this earth? 12641% 12642Charlie was a chemist, 12643But Charlie is no more. 12644What Charlie thought was H2O was H2SO4. 12645% 12646Charm is a way of getting the answer "Yes" -- 12647without having asked any clear question. 12648% 12649Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap. 12650% 12651Check me if I'm wrong, Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers... 12652they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key! 12653% 12654checkuary, n: 12655 The thirteenth month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and ends 12656 when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his checks. 12657% 12658Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate. 12659% 12660Cheese -- milk's leap toward immortality. 12661 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play" 12662% 12663Chef, n: 12664 Any cook who swears in French. 12665% 12666Cheit's Lament: 12667 If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you-- 12668 the next time he's in need. 12669% 12670CHEMICALS: 12671 Noxious substances from which modern foods are made. 12672% 12673Chemist who falls in acid is absorbed in work. 12674% 12675Chemist who falls in acid will be tripping for weeks. 12676% 12677Chemistry professors never die, they just fail to react. 12678% 12679Cheops' Law: 12680 Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget. 12681% 12682"Cheshire-Puss," she began, "would you tell me, please, 12683 which way I ought to go from here?" 12684"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat. 12685"I don't care much where--" said Alice. 12686"Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat. 12687% 12688Chess tonight. 12689% 12690CHICAGO: 12691 Where the dead still vote... early and often! 12692% 12693Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36: 12694 Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn 12695headgear where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer". 12696 -- Chicago Reader 3/27/81 12697% 12698Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84: 12699 The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request 12700for overheated passengers. When your timer pops up, the driver will 12701cheerfully baste you. 12702 -- Chicago Reader 5/28/82 12703% 12704Chicagoan: "So, where're you from?" 12705Hoosier: "What's wrong with Indiana?" 12706% 12707Chicken Little was right. 12708% 12709Chicken Soup: 12710 An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin, 12711 cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup 12712 can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother. 12713 -- Arthur Naiman 12714% 12715Chihuahuas drive me crazy. I can't stand anything that 12716shivers when it's warm. 12717% 12718Children are like cats, they can tell when you don't like 12719them. That's when they come over and violate your body space. 12720% 12721Children are natural mimics who act like their parents 12722despite every effort to teach them good manners. 12723% 12724Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're 12725going to catch you in next. 12726 -- Franklin P. Jones 12727% 12728Children aren't happy without something to ignore, 12729And that's what parents were created for. 12730 -- Ogden Nash 12731% 12732Children begin by loving their parents. After a time they judge them. 12733Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them. 12734 -- Oscar Wilde 12735% 12736Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually 12737repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. 12738% 12739Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives. 12740 -- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings" 12741% 12742Chinese saying: "He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks." 12743% 12744Chism's Law of Completion: 12745 The amount of time required to complete a government project is 12746 precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it. 12747% 12748Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law: 12749 When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will. 12750% 12751Chocolate Chip. 12752% 12753Choose in marriage only a woman whom you would choose as 12754a friend if she were a man. 12755 -- Joubert 12756% 12757Chorus: 12758 Grandma got run over by a reindeer, 12759 Walking home from our house Christmas eve. 12760 You can say there's no such thing as Santa, 12761 But as for me and Grandpa, we believe! 12762She'd been drinking too much eggnog, 12763And we begged her not to go. 12764But she'd forgot her medication, When we found her Christmas morning, 12765And she staggered through the door At the scene of the attack. 12766 out in the snow. She had hoofprints on her forehead, 12767 And incriminating claus-marks on her 12768Now we're all so proud of Grandpa, back. 12769He's been taking this so well. 12770See him in there watching football. I've warned all my friends and 12771Drinking beer and playing cards neighbors, 12772 with cousin Mel. Better watch out for yourselves! 12773 They should never give a license, 12774 To a man who drives a sleigh and 12775 plays with elves! 12776 -- Elmo and Patsy, "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" 12777% 12778Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint Him. 12779% 12780Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found 12781difficult and not tried. 12782 -- G.K. Chesterton 12783% 12784Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it. 12785 -- George Bernard Shaw 12786% 12787Christmas time is here, by Golly; Kill the turkeys, ducks and chickens; 12788Disapproval would be folly; Mix the punch, drag out the Dickens; 12789Deck the halls with hunks of holly; Even though the prospect sickens, 12790Fill the cup and don't say when... Brother, here we go again. 12791 12792On Christmas day, you can't get sore; Relations sparing no expense'll, 12793Your fellow man you must adore; Send some useless old utensil, 12794There's time to rob him all the more, Or a matching pen and pencil, 12795The other three hundred and sixty-four! Just the thing I need... how nice. 12796 12797It doesn't matter how sincere Hark The Herald-Tribune sings, 12798It is, nor how heartfelt the spirit; Advertising wondrous things. 12799Sentiment will not endear it; God Rest Ye Merry Merchants, 12800What's important is... the price. May you make the Yuletide pay. 12801 Angels We Have Heard On High, 12802Let the raucous sleighbells jingle; Tell us to go out and buy. 12803Hail our dear old friend, Kris Kringle, Sooooo... 12804Driving his reindeer across the sky, 12805Don't stand underneath when they fly by! 12806 -- Tom Lehrer 12807% 12808Churchill's Commentary on Man: 12809 Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, 12810 but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on. 12811% 12812CIGARETTE: 12813 A fire at one end, a fool at the other, 12814 and a bit of tobacco in between. 12815% 12816CINEMUCK: 12817 The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate 12818 which covers the floors of movie theaters. 12819 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 12820% 12821Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances. 12822 -- Herodotus 12823% 12824Civilization and profits go hand in hand. 12825 -- Calvin Coolidge 12826% 12827Civilization, as we know it, will end sometime this evening. 12828See SYSNOTE tomorrow for more information. 12829% 12830Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities. 12831 -- Mark Twain 12832% 12833clairvoyant, n.: 12834 A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that 12835which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead. 12836 -- Ambrose Bierce 12837% 12838Claret is the liquor for boys; port for men; but he who 12839aspires to be a hero... must drink brandy. 12840 -- Samuel Johnson 12841% 12842Clarke's Conclusion: 12843 Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing. 12844% 12845Class, that's the only thing that counts in life. Class. 12846Without class and style, a man's a bum; he might as well be dead. 12847 -- "Bugsy" Siegel 12848% 12849Class: when they're running you out of town, to look like you're 12850leading the parade. 12851 -- Bill Battie 12852% 12853Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune. 12854 -- Kin Hubbard, "Abe Martin's Sayings" 12855% 12856Clay's Conclusion: 12857 Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster. 12858% 12859Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling 12860the walk before it stops snowing. 12861 -- Phyllis Diller 12862 12863There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years 12864the dirt doesn't get any worse. 12865 -- Quentin Crisp 12866% 12867Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely. 12868 -- P.J. O'Rourke 12869% 12870Cleanliness is next to impossible. 12871% 12872CLEVELAND: 12873 Where their last tornado did six 12874 million dollars worth of improvements. 12875% 12876Cleveland? 12877Yes, I spent a week there one day. 12878% 12879Climate and Surgery 12880 R C Gilchrist, who was shot by J Sharp twelve days ago, and who 12881received a derringer ball in the right breast, and who it was supposed at 12882the time could not live many hours, was on the street yesterday and the 12883day before - walking several blocks at a time. To those who design to be 12884riddled with bullets or cut to pieces with Bowie-knives, we cordially 12885recommend our Sacramento climate and Sacramento surgery. 12886 -- Sacramento Daily Union, September 11, 1861 12887% 12888Climbing onto a bar stool, a piece of string asked for a beer. 12889 "Wait a minute. Aren't you a string?" 12890 "Well, yes, I am." 12891 "Sorry. We don't serve strings here." 12892 The determined string left the bar and stopped a passer-by. "Excuse, 12893me," it said, "would you shred my ends and tie me up like a pretzel?" The 12894passer-by obliged, and the string re-entered the bar. "May I have a beer, 12895please?" it asked the bartender. 12896 The barkeep set a beer in front of the string, then suddenly stopped. 12897"Hey, aren't you the string I just threw out of here?" 12898 "No, I'm a frayed knot." 12899% 12900clone, n: 12901 1. An exact duplicate, as in "our product is a clone of their 12902 product." 2. A shoddy, spurious copy, as in "their product 12903 is a clone of our product." 12904% 12905Clones are people two. 12906% 12907Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery. 12908% 12909Clothes make the man. 12910Naked people have little or no influence on society. 12911 -- Mark Twain 12912% 12913Clovis' Consideration of an Atmospheric Anomaly: 12914 The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated 12915 than by the fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere, 12916 bread becomes hard while crackers become soft. 12917% 12918Coach: Can I draw you a beer, Norm? 12919Norm: No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one. 12920 -- Cheers, No Help Wanted 12921 12922Coach: How about a beer, Norm? 12923Norm: Hey I'm high on life, Coach. Of course, beer is my life. 12924 -- Cheers, No Help Wanted 12925 12926Coach: How's a beer sound, Norm? 12927Norm: I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in. 12928 -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights 12929% 12930Coach: How's it going, Norm? 12931Norm: Daddy's rich and Momma's good lookin'. 12932 -- Cheers, Truce or Consequences 12933 12934Sam: What's up, Norm? 12935Norm: My nipples. It's freezing out there. 12936 -- Cheers, Coach Returns to Action 12937 12938Coach: What's the story, Norm? 12939Norm: Thirsty guy walks into a bar. You finish it. 12940 -- Cheers, Endless Slumper 12941% 12942Coach: What would you say to a beer, Normie? 12943Norm: Daddy wuvs you. 12944 -- Cheers, The Mail Goes to Jail 12945 12946Sam: What'd you like, Normie? 12947Norm: A reason to live. Gimme another beer. 12948 -- Cheers, Behind Every Great Man 12949 12950Sam: What will you have, Norm? 12951Norm: Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass 12952 of whatever comes out of that tap. 12953Sam: Oh, looks like beer, Norm. 12954Norm: Call me Mister Lucky. 12955 -- Cheers, The Executive's Executioner 12956% 12957Coach: What's up, Norm? 12958Norm: Corners of my mouth, Coach. 12959 -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights 12960 12961Coach: What's shaking, Norm? 12962Norm: All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach. 12963 -- Cheers, Snow Job 12964 12965Coach: Beer, Normie? 12966Norm: Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week. 12967 Eh, why not, I'm still young. 12968 -- Cheers, Snow Job 12969% 12970COBOL: 12971 An exercise in Artificial Inelegance. 12972% 12973COBOL: 12974 Completely Over and Beyond reason Or Logic. 12975% 12976COBOL is for morons. 12977 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 12978% 12979Cobol programmers are down in the dumps. 12980% 12981COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance. 12982% 12983Coding is easy; All you do is sit staring at a 12984terminal until the drops of blood form on your forehead. 12985% 12986Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- 12987I think that I think, therefore I think that I am. 12988 -- Ambrose Bierce 12989% 12990Cohen's Law: 12991 There is no bottom to worse. 12992% 12993Cohn's Law: 12994 The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less 12995 time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend 12996 all your time reporting on the nothing you are doing. 12997% 12998Coincidences are spiritual puns. 12999 -- G.K. Chesterton 13000% 13001COLD: 13002 When the politicians walk around 13003 with their hands in their own pockets. 13004% 13005Cold hands, no gloves. 13006% 13007Cole's Law: 13008 Thinly sliced cabbage. 13009% 13010COLLABORATION: 13011 A literary partnership based on the false 13012 assumption that the other fellow can spell. 13013% 13014COLLEGE: 13015 The fountains of knowledge, where everyone goes to drink. 13016% 13017College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the 13018faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if 13019the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms, 13020legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the 13021loss to humanity. 13022 -- H.L. Mencken 13023% 13024COLORADO: 13025 Where they don't buy M & M's, 'cause they're so hard to peel. 13026% 13027Colorless green ideas sleep furiously. 13028% 13029Column 1 Column 2 Column 3 13030 130310. integrated 0. management 0. options 130321. total 1. organizational 1. flexibility 130332. systematized 2. monitored 2. capability 130343. parallel 3. reciprocal 3. mobility 130354. functional 4. digital 4. programming 130365. responsive 5. logistical 5. concept 130376. optional 6. transitional 6. time-phase 130387. synchronized 7. incremental 7. projection 130398. compatible 8. third-generation 8. hardware 130409. balanced 9. policy 9. contingency 13041 13042 The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number, then select 13043the corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance, number 257 produces 13044"systematized logistical projection," a phrase that can be dropped into 13045virtually any report with that ring of decisive, knowledgeable authority. "No 13046one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about," says Broughton, 13047"but the important thing is that they're not about to admit it." 13048 -- Philip Broughton, "How to Win at Wordsmanship" 13049% 13050Colvard's Logical Premises: 13051 All probabilities are 50%. 13052Either a thing will happen or it won't. 13053 13054Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary: 13055 This is especially true when 13056 dealing with someone you're attracted to. 13057 13058Grelb's Commentary: 13059 Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you. 13060% 13061Come, every frustum longs to be a cone, 13062And every vector dreams of matrices. 13063Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze: 13064It whispers of a more ergodic zone. 13065 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 13066% 13067Come fill the cup and in the fire of spring 13068Your winter garment of repentance fling. 13069The bird of time has but a little way 13070To flutter -- and the bird is on the wing. 13071 -- Omar Khayyam 13072% 13073Come home America. 13074 -- George McGovern, 1972 13075% 13076Come, landlord, fill the flowing bowl until it does run over, 13077Tonight we will all merry be -- tomorrow we'll get sober. 13078 -- John Fletcher, "The Bloody Brother", II, 2 13079% 13080Come, let us hasten to a higher plane, 13081Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn, 13082Their indices bedecked from one to n, 13083Commingled in an endless Markov chain! 13084 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 13085% 13086Come, let us hasten to a higher plane, 13087Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn, 13088Their indices bedecked from one to n, 13089Commingled in an endless Markov chain! 13090 13091Come, every frustum longs to be a cone, 13092And every vector dreams of matrices. 13093Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze: 13094It whispers of a more ergodic zone. 13095 13096In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space 13097Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways. 13098Our asymptotes no longer out of phase, 13099We shall encounter, counting, face to face. 13100 -- The Cyberiad 13101% 13102Come live with me, and be my love, 13103And we will some new pleasures prove 13104Of golden sands, and crystal brooks, 13105With silken lines, and silver hooks. 13106 -- John Donne 13107% 13108Come live with me and be my love, 13109And we will some new pleasures prove 13110Of golden sands and crystal brooks 13111With silken lines, and silver hooks. 13112There's nothing that I wouldn't do 13113If you would be my POSSLQ. 13114 13115You live with me, and I with you, 13116And you will be my POSSLQ. 13117I'll be your friend and so much more; 13118That's what a POSSLQ is for. 13119 13120And everything we will confess; 13121Yes, even to the IRS. 13122Some day on what we both may earn, 13123Perhaps we'll file a joint return. 13124You'll share my pad, my taxes, joint; 13125You'll share my life - up to a point! 13126And that you'll be so glad to do, 13127Because you'll be my POSSLQ. 13128% 13129Come, muse, let us sing of rats! 13130 -- From a poem by James Grainger, 1721-1767 13131% 13132Come quickly, I am tasting stars! 13133 -- Dom Perignon, upon discovering champagne. 13134% 13135Come, you spirits 13136That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here, 13137And fill me, from the crown to the toe, top-full 13138Of direst cruelty! make thick my blood, 13139Stop up the access and passage to remorse 13140That no compunctious visiting of nature 13141Shake my fell purpose, not keep peace between 13142The effect and it! Come to my woman's breasts, 13143And take my milk for gall, you murdering ministers, 13144Wherever in your sightless substances 13145You wait on nature's mischief! Come, thick night, 13146And pall the in the dunnest smoke of hell, 13147That my keen knife see not the wound it makes, 13148Nor heaven peep through the blanket of the dark, 13149To cry `Hold, hold!' 13150 -- Lady MacBeth 13151% 13152Comedy, like Medicine, was never meant to be practiced by the general public. 13153% 13154Coming to Stores Near You: 13155 13156101 Grammatically Correct Popular Tunes Featuring: 13157 13158 (You Aren't Anything but a) Hound Dog 13159 It Doesn't Mean a Thing If It Hasn't Got That Swing 13160 I'm Not Misbehaving 13161 13162And A Whole Lot More... 13163% 13164Coming together is a beginning; 13165 keeping together is progress; 13166 working together is success. 13167% 13168Commit the oldest sins the newest kind of ways. 13169 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" 13170% 13171COMMITMENT: 13172 Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs. 13173 The chicken was involved, the pig was committed. 13174% 13175Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius. 13176 -- Josh Billings 13177 13178Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. 13179 -- Albert Einstein 13180% 13181Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. 13182 -- Albert Einstein 13183% 13184Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world. 13185Everyone thinks he has enough. 13186 -- Descartes, 1637 13187% 13188Commoner's three laws of ecology: 13189 1) No action is without side-effects. 13190 2) Nothing ever goes away. 13191 3) There is no free lunch. 13192% 13193Communicate! It can't make things any worse. 13194% 13195Comparing software engineering to classical engineering assumes that software 13196has the ability to wear out. Software typically behaves, or it does not. It 13197either works, or it does not. Software generally does not degrade, abrade, 13198stretch, twist, or ablate. To treat it as a physical entity, therefore, is 13199misapplication of our engineering skills. Classical engineering deals with 13200the characteristics of hardware; software engineering should deal with the 13201characteristics of *software*, and not with hardware or management. 13202 -- Dan Klein 13203% 13204COMPASS [for the CDC-6000 series] is the sort of assembler 13205one expects from a corporation whose president codes in octal. 13206 -- J.N. Gray 13207% 13208Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses, 13209is in the eye of the beholder. 13210 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter 13211% 13212Competitive fury is not always anger. It is the true missionary's 13213courage and zeal in facing the possibility that one's best may not 13214be enough. 13215 -- Gene Scott 13216% 13217COMPLEX SYSTEM: 13218 One with real problems and imaginary profits. 13219% 13220COMPLIMENT: 13221 When you say something to another which everyone knows isn't true. 13222% 13223compuberty, n: 13224 The uncomfortable period of emotional and hormonal changes a 13225 computer experiences when the operating system is upgraded and 13226 a sun4 is put online sharing files. 13227% 13228COMPUTER: 13229 An electronic entity which performs sequences of useful steps in a 13230 totally understandable, rigorously logical manner. If you believe 13231 this, see me about a bridge I have for sale in Manhattan. 13232% 13233Computer programmers do it byte by byte. 13234% 13235Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing. 13236% 13237Computer programs expand so as to fill the core available. 13238% 13239COMPUTER SCIENCE: 13240 1) A study akin to numerology and astrology, but lacking the 13241 precision of the former and the success of the latter. 13242 2) The protracted value analysis of algorithms. 13243 3) The costly enumeration of the obvious. 13244 4) The boring art of coping with a large number of trivialities. 13245 5) Tautology harnessed in the service of Man at the speed of light. 13246 6) The Post-Turing decline in formal systems theory. 13247% 13248Computer Science is the only discipline in which we view 13249adding a new wing to a building as being maintenance 13250 -- Jim Horning 13251% 13252Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. 13253% 13254Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. 13255Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable. 13256 -- Gilb 13257% 13258Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. 13259 -- Pablo Picasso 13260% 13261Computers don't actually think. 13262 You just think they think. 13263 (We think.) 13264% 13265Conceit causes more conversation than wit. 13266 -- LaRouchefoucauld 13267% 13268CONCEPT: 13269 Any "idea" for which an outside 13270 consultant billed you more than $25,000. 13271% 13272Conceptual integrity in turn dictates that the design must proceed 13273from one mind, or from a very small number of agreeing resonant minds. 13274 -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month" 13275% 13276Condense soup, not books! 13277% 13278CONFERENCE: 13279 A special meeting in which the boss gathers subordinates to hear 13280 what they have to say, so long as it doesn't conflict with what 13281 he's already decided to do. 13282% 13283Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven; 13284confess them to man and you will be laughed at. 13285 -- Josh Billings 13286% 13287Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career. 13288% 13289Confession is good for the soul only in the sense 13290that a tweed coat is good for dandruff. 13291 -- Peter de Vries 13292% 13293Confessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for 13294the reputation. 13295 -- Lord Thomas Dewar 13296% 13297Confidant, confidante, n: 13298 One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided to himself by C. 13299 -- Ambrose Bierce 13300% 13301Confidence is simply that quiet, assured feeling you have before you 13302fall flag on your face. 13303 -- Dr. L. Binder 13304% 13305Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation. 13306% 13307CONFIRMED BACHELOR: 13308 A man who goes through life without a hitch. 13309% 13310Conflicting research paradigms 13311Have legitimized various crimes. 13312 The worst we can see 13313 Is in psychology, 13314Measuring reaction times. 13315% 13316Conformity is the refuge of the unimaginative. 13317% 13318Confucius say too damn much! 13319% 13320Confucius say too much. 13321 -- Recent Chinese Proverb 13322% 13323Confusion will be my epitaph 13324as I walk a cracked and broken path 13325If we make it we can all sit back and laugh 13326but I fear that tomorrow we'll be crying. 13327 -- King Crimson, "In the Court of the Crimson King" 13328% 13329Congratulations! You are the one-millionth user to log into our system. 13330If there's anything special we can do for you, anything at all, don't 13331hesitate to ask! 13332% 13333Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would 13334give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you 13335undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver. 13336Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL 13337CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T 13338YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH 13339THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH 13340SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS 13341CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING 13342TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES 13343RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT? 13344 -- Dave Barry 13345% 13346Congratulations are in order for Tom Reid. 13347 13348He says he just found out he is the winner of the 2021 Psychic of the 13349Year award. 13350% 13351Conjecture: All odd numbers are prime. 13352 13353 Mathematician's Proof: 13354 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. By induction, all 13355 odd numbers are prime. 13356 Physicist's Proof: 13357 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is experimental 13358 error. 11 is prime. 13 is prime ... 13359 Engineer's Proof: 13360 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is prime. 13361 11 is prime. 13 is prime ... 13362 Computer Scientists's Proof: 13363 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime... 13364% 13365Conquering Russia should be done steppe by steppe. 13366% 13367Conscience doth make cowards of us all. 13368 -- Shakespeare 13369% 13370Conscience is defined as the thing that hurts 13371when everything else feels great. 13372% 13373Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking. 13374 -- H.L. Mencken, "A Mencken Chrestomathy" 13375% 13376Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. 13377% 13378CONSENT DECREE: 13379 A document in which a hapless company consents never to commit 13380 in the future whatever heinous violations of Federal law it 13381 never admitted to in the first place. 13382% 13383Conservative: 13384 One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead. 13385 -- Leo C. Rosten 13386% 13387Conservative, n: 13388 A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished 13389 from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others. 13390 -- Ambrose Bierce 13391% 13392"Consider a spherical bear, in simple harmonic motion..." 13393 -- Professor in the UCB physics department 13394% 13395Consider the following axioms carefully: 13396 "Everything's better when it sits on a Ritz." 13397 and 13398 "Everything's better with Blue Bonnet on it." 13399What happens if one spreads Blue Bonnet margarine on a Ritz cracker? The 13400thought is frightening. Is this how God came into being? Try not to 13401consider the fact that "Things go better with Coke". 13402% 13403Consider the little mouse, how sagacious an animal 13404it is which never entrusts its life to one hole only. 13405 -- Titus Maccius Plautus 13406% 13407Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in 13408the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there. 13409 -- Josh Billings 13410% 13411CONSULTANT: 13412 (1) Someone you pay to take the watch off your wrist and tell 13413 you what time it is. (2) (For resume use) The working title 13414 of anyone who doesn't currently hold a job. Motto: Have 13415 Calculator, Will Travel. 13416% 13417CONSULTANT: 13418 An ordinary man a long way from home. 13419% 13420CONSULTANT: 13421 [From con "to defraud, dupe, swindle," or, possibly, French con 13422 (vulgar) "a person of little merit" + sult elliptical form of 13423 "insult."] A tipster disguised as an oracle, especially one who 13424 has learned to decamp at high speed in spite of a large briefcase 13425 and heavy wallet. 13426% 13427CONSULTANT: 13428 Someone who'd rather climb a tree and tell a 13429 lie than stand on the ground and tell the truth. 13430% 13431Consultants are mystical people who ask a 13432company for a number and then give it back to them. 13433% 13434CONSULTATION: 13435 Medical term meaning "to share the wealth." 13436% 13437Contemporary American feminism's simplistic psychology is illustrated by 13438the new cliche of the date-rape furor: "`No' always means `no'." Will 13439we ever graduate from the Girl Scouts? "No" has always been, and always 13440will be, part of the dangerous alluring courtship ritual of sex and 13441seduction, observable even in the animal kingdom. 13442 -- Camille Paglia, NY Times, Dec. 14 1990, Op Ed. 13443% 13444"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and 13445if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!" 13446 -- Lewis Carroll 13447% 13448Convention is the ruler of all. 13449 -- Pindar 13450% 13451CONVERSATION: 13452 A vocal competition in which the one who 13453 is catching his breath is called the listener. 13454% 13455Conversation enriches the understanding, 13456but solitude is the school of genius. 13457% 13458Conway's Law: 13459 In any organization there will always be one person who knows 13460 what is going on. 13461 13462 This person must be fired. 13463% 13464Cops never say good-bye. They're always hoping to see you again in the 13465line-up. 13466 -- Raymond Chandler 13467% 13468COPYING MACHINE: 13469 A device that shreds paper, flashes mysteriously coded messages, 13470 and makes duplicates for everyone in the office who isn't 13471 interested in reading them. 13472% 13473Coronation, n: 13474 The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and visible 13475 signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite bomb. 13476 -- Ambrose Bierce 13477% 13478Correction does much, but encouragement does more. 13479 -- Goethe 13480% 13481Correspondence Corollary: 13482 An experiment may be considered a success if no more than half 13483 your data must be discarded to obtain correspondence with your theory. 13484% 13485CORRUPT: 13486 In politics, holding an office of trust or profit. 13487% 13488Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a muddle 13489of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can make of 13490capitalism. 13491 -- Walter Lippmann 13492% 13493Corruption is not the No. 1 priority of the Police Commissioner. 13494His job is to enforce the law and fight crime. 13495 -- P.B.A. President E.J. Kiernan 13496% 13497Corry's Law: 13498 Paper is always strongest at the perforations. 13499% 13500Couldn't we jury-rig the cat to act as an audio switch, and have it yell 13501at people to save their core images before logging them out? I'm sure 13502the cattle prod would be effective in this regard. In any case, a traverse 13503mounted iguana, while more perverted, gives better traction, not to mention 13504being easier to stake. 13505% 13506Counting in binary is just like counting 13507in decimal -- if you are all thumbs. 13508 -- Glaser and Way 13509% 13510Counting in octal is just like counting 13511in decimal -- if you don't use your thumbs. 13512 -- Tom Lehrer 13513% 13514Courage is fear that has said its prayers. 13515% 13516Courage is grace under pressure. 13517% 13518Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear -- not absence of fear. 13519 -- Mark Twain 13520% 13521Courage is your greatest present need. 13522% 13523court, n.: 13524 A place where they dispense with justice. 13525 -- Arthur Train 13526% 13527Courtship to marriage, as a very witty prologue to a very dull play. 13528 -- William Congreve 13529% 13530COWARD: 13531 One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. 13532% 13533[Crash programs] fail because they are based on the theory that, 13534with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month. 13535 -- Wernher von Braun 13536% 13537Crazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!! 13538% 13539Creating computer software is always a demanding and painstaking 13540process -- an exercise in logic, clear expression, and almost fanatical 13541attention to detail. It requires intelligence, dedication, and an 13542enormous amount of hard work. But, a certain amount of unpredictable 13543and often unrepeatable inspiration is what usually makes the difference 13544between adequacy and excellence. 13545% 13546Creativity in living is not without its attendant difficulties, for 13547peculiarity breeds contempt. And the unfortunate thing about being 13548ahead of your time when people finally realize you were right, they'll 13549say it was obvious all along. 13550 -- Alan Ashley-Pitt 13551% 13552Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you are doing. 13553% 13554Creativity is not always bred in an environment of tranquility; 13555sometimes you have to squeeze a little to get the paste out of the tube. 13556% 13557Credit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man. 13558 -- James Blish 13559% 13560CREDITOR: 13561 A man who has a better memory than a debtor. 13562% 13563Crenna's Law of Political Accountability: 13564 If you are the first to know about something bad, 13565 you are going to be held responsible for acting on it, 13566 regardless of your formal duties. 13567% 13568Crime does not pay... as well as politics. 13569 -- A.E. Newman 13570% 13571CRITIC: 13572 A person who boasts himself hard to please 13573 because nobody tries to please him. 13574% 13575critic, n.: 13576 A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries 13577 to please him. 13578 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 13579% 13580Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship. 13581 -- Zeuxis 13582% 13583Critics are like eunuchs in a harem: they know how it's done, they've 13584seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves. 13585 -- Brendan Behan 13586% 13587Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt? 13588 -- Socrates' last words 13589% 13590Croll's Query: 13591 If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of? 13592% 13593Cropp's Law: 13594 The amount of work done varies inversly 13595 with the time spent in the office. 13596% 13597Crucifixes are sexy because there's a naked man on them. 13598 -- Madonna 13599% 13600Cruickshank's Law of Committees: 13601 If a committee is allowed to discuss a bad idea long enough, it 13602 will inevitably decide to implement the idea simply because so 13603 much work has already been done on it. 13604% 13605Crusade for Cthulhu! It Found ME! 13606% 13607Crush! Kill! Destroy! 13608% 13609Cthulhu Cthucks! 13610% 13611Cthulhu for President! 13612 (If you're tired of choosing the lesser of two evils.) 13613% 13614Cthulhu Saves -- in case He's hungry later. 13615% 13616Culture is the habit of being pleased with the best and knowing why. 13617% 13618Cure the disease and kill the patient. 13619 -- Francis Bacon 13620% 13621CURSOR: 13622 One whose program will not run. 13623 -- Robb Russon 13624% 13625curtation n. The enforced compression of a string in the fixed-length field 13626environment. 13627 The problem of fitting extremely variable-length strings such as names, 13628addresses, and item descriptions into fixed-length records is no trivial 13629matter. Neglect of the subtle art of curtation has probably alienated more 13630people than any other aspect of data processing. You order Mozart's "Don 13631Giovanni" from your record club, and they invoice you $24.95 for MOZ DONG. 13632The witless mapping of the sublime onto the ridiculous! Equally puzzling is 13633the curtation that produces the same eight characters, THE BEST, whether you 13634order "The Best of Wagner", "The Best of Schubert", or "The Best of the Turds". 13635Similarly, wine lovers buying from computerized wineries twirl their glasses, 13636check their delivery notes, and inform their friends, "A rather innocent, 13637possibly overtruncated CAB SAUV 69 TAL." The squeezing of fruit into 10 13638columns has yielded such memorable obscenities as COX OR PIP. The examples 13639cited are real, and the curtational methodology which produced them is still 13640with us. 13641 13642MOZ DONG n. 13643 Curtation of Don Giovanni by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Lorenzo da 13644Ponte, as performed by the computerized billing ensemble of the Internat'l 13645Preview Society, Great Neck (sic), N.Y. 13646 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 13647% 13648Custer committed Siouxicide. 13649% 13650Cut a man's hand when you fight him. He'll freeze, fascinated by the sight 13651of his own blood. That's when you stick him in the throat. 13652 -- Gerry Youghkins 13653 13654If you look rather casual with the knife when you flick it open, people 13655don't like it. 13656 -- Gerry Youghkins 13657% 13658Cutler Webster's Law: 13659 There are two sides to every argument, unless a person 13660 is personally involved, in which case there is only one. 13661% 13662Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It 13663eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the 13664business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation." 13665 -- Johnny Hart 13666% 13667CYNIC: 13668 Experienced. 13669% 13670CYNIC: 13671 One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye. 13672% 13673Cynic, n: 13674 A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, 13675 not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the 13676 Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision. 13677 -- Ambrose Bierce 13678% 13679Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why 13680several of us died of tuberculosis. 13681 -- Jack Handey 13682% 13683DALLAS: 13684 The city that chose Astroturf to 13685 keep the cheerleaders from grazing. 13686% 13687Dallas still lives. God MUST be dead. 13688% 13689Dammit Jim, I'm an actor not a doctor. 13690% 13691"Dammit, man, that's unprofessional! A good bartender laughs anyway!" 13692% 13693Damn braces. 13694 -- William Blake, "Proverbs of Hell" 13695% 13696Damn, I need a Coke! 13697 -- Dr. William DeVries 13698 [after implanting the first artificial human heart] 13699% 13700DAMN IT, I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE! 13701% 13702Dark and lonely on a summer night 13703 Kill my landlord, 13704 Kill my landlord. 13705The watchdog barkin' 13706Do he bite? 13707 Kill my landlord, 13708 Kill my landlord. 13709Slip in his window. 13710Break his neck. 13711Then his house I start to wreck 13712Got no reason, 13713What the heck? 13714 Kill my landlord, 13715 Kill my landlord. 13716 C-I-L-L my landlord! 13717 -- "Images" by Tyrone Green, SNL 13718% 13719Darling: the popular form of address used in speaking to a member of the 13720opposite sex whose name you cannot at the moment remember. 13721 -- Oliver Herford 13722% 13723Darth Vader! Only you would be so bold! 13724 -- Princess Leia Organa 13725% 13726Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie. 13727% 13728DATA: 13729 An accrual of straws on the backs of theories. 13730% 13731DATA: 13732 Computerspeak for "information". Properly pronounced 13733 the way Bostonians pronounce the word for a female child. 13734% 13735David Letterman's "Things we can be proud of as Americans": 13736 13737 * Greatest number of citizens who have actually boarded a UFO 13738 * Many newspapers feature "JUMBLE" 13739 * Hourly motel rates 13740 * Vast majority of Elvis movies made here 13741 * Didn't just give up right away during World War II 13742 like some countries we could mention 13743 * Goatees & Van Dykes thought to be worn only by weenies 13744 * Our well-behaved golf professionals 13745 * Fabulous babes coast to coast 13746% 13747Davis' Law of Traffic Density: 13748 The density of rush-hour traffic is directly proportional to 13749 1.5 times the amount of extra time you allow to arrive on time. 13750% 13751Davis's Dictum: 13752 Problems that go away by themselves, come back by themselves. 13753% 13754DAWN: 13755 The time when men of reason go to bed. 13756% 13757Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed. 13758% 13759DEADWOOD: 13760 Anyone in your company who is more senior than you are. 13761% 13762Dealing with failure is easy: 13763 Work hard to improve. 13764Success is also easy to handle: 13765 You've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to improve. 13766% 13767Dealing with failure is easy: work hard to improve. 13768Success is also easy to handle: you've solved the wrong problem. Work 13769hard to improve. 13770% 13771Dealing with the problem of pure staff accumulation, 13772all our researches ... point to an average increase of 5.75% per year. 13773 -- C.N. Parkinson 13774% 13775Dear Emily: 13776 How can I choose what groups to post in? 13777 -- Confused 13778 13779Dear Confused: 13780 Pick as many as you can, so that you get the widest audience. After 13781all, the net exists to give you an audience. Ignore those who suggest you 13782should only use groups where you think the article is highly appropriate. 13783Pick all groups where anybody might even be slightly interested. 13784 Always make sure followups go to all the groups. In the rare event 13785that you post a followup which contains something original, make sure you 13786expand the list of groups. Never include a "Followup-to:" line in the 13787header, since some people might miss part of the valuable discussion in 13788the fringe groups. 13789 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 13790% 13791Dear Emily: 13792 I collected replies to an article I wrote, and now it's time to 13793summarize. What should I do? 13794 -- Editor 13795 13796Dear Editor: 13797 Simply concatenate all the articles together into a big file and post 13798that. On USENET, this is known as a summary. It lets people read all the 13799replies without annoying newsreaders getting in the way. Do the same when 13800summarizing a vote. 13801 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 13802% 13803Dear Emily: 13804 I recently read an article that said, "reply by mail, I'll summarize." 13805What should I do? 13806 -- Doubtful 13807 13808Dear Doubtful: 13809 Post your response to the whole net. That request applies only to 13810dumb people who don't have something interesting to say. Your postings are 13811much more worthwhile than other people's, so it would be a waste to reply by 13812mail. 13813 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 13814% 13815Dear Emily: 13816 I saw a long article that I wish to rebut carefully, what should 13817I do? 13818 -- Angry 13819 13820Dear Angry: 13821 Include the entire text with your article, and include your comments 13822between the lines. Be sure to post, and not mail, even though your article 13823looks like a reply to the original. Everybody *loves* to read those long 13824point-by-point debates, especially when they evolve into name-calling and 13825lots of "Is too!" -- "Is not!" -- "Is too, twizot!" exchanges. 13826 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 13827% 13828Dear Emily: 13829 I'm having a serious disagreement with somebody on the net. I 13830tried complaints to his sysadmin, organizing mail campaigns, called for 13831his removal from the net and phoning his employer to get him fired. 13832Everybody laughed at me. What can I do? 13833 -- A Concerned Citizen 13834 13835Dear Concerned: 13836 Go to the daily papers. Most modern reporters are top-notch computer 13837experts who will understand the net, and your problems, perfectly. They 13838will print careful, reasoned stories without any errors at all, and surely 13839represent the situation properly to the public. The public will also all 13840act wisely, as they are also fully cognizant of the subtle nature of net 13841society. 13842 Papers never sensationalize or distort, so be sure to point out things 13843like racism and sexism wherever they might exist. Be sure as well that they 13844understand that all things on the net, particularly insults, are meant 13845literally. Link what transpires on the net to the causes of the Holocaust, if 13846possible. If regular papers won't take the story, go to a tabloid paper -- 13847they are always interested in good stories. 13848% 13849Dear Emily: 13850 I'm still confused as to what groups articles should be posted 13851to. How about an example? 13852 -- Still Confused 13853 13854Dear Still: 13855 Ok. Let's say you want to report that Gretzky has been traded from 13856the Oilers to the Kings. Now right away you might think rec.sport.hockey 13857would be enough. WRONG. Many more people might be interested. This is a 13858big trade! Since it's a NEWS article, it belongs in the news.* hierarchy 13859as well. If you are a news admin, or there is one on your machine, try 13860news.admin. If not, use news.misc. 13861 The Oilers are probably interested in geology, so try sci.physics. 13862He is a big star, so post to sci.astro, and sci.space because they are also 13863interested in stars. Next, his name is Polish sounding. So post to 13864soc.culture.polish. But that group doesn't exist, so cross-post to 13865news.groups suggesting it should be created. With this many groups of 13866interest, your article will be quite bizarre, so post to talk.bizarre as 13867well. (And post to comp.std.mumps, since they hardly get any articles 13868there, and a "comp" group will propagate your article further.) 13869 You may also find it is more fun to post the article once in each 13870group. If you list all the newsgroups in the same article, some newsreaders 13871will only show the article to the reader once! Don't tolerate this. 13872 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 13873% 13874Dear Emily: 13875 Today I posted an article and forgot to include my signature. 13876What should I do? 13877 -- Forgetful 13878 13879Dear Forgetful: 13880 Rush to your terminal right away and post an article that says, 13881"Oops, I forgot to post my signature with that last article. Here 13882it is." 13883 Since most people will have forgotten your earlier article, 13884(particularly since it dared to be so boring as to not have a nice, juicy 13885signature) this will remind them of it. Besides, people care much more 13886about the signature anyway. 13887 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 13888% 13889Dear Emily, what about test messages? 13890 -- Concerned 13891 13892Dear Concerned: 13893 It is important, when testing, to test the entire net. Never test 13894merely a subnet distribution when the whole net can be done. Also put "please 13895ignore" on your test messages, since we all know that everybody always skips 13896a message with a line like that. Don't use a subject like "My sex is female 13897but I demand to be addressed as male." because such articles are read in depth 13898by all USEnauts. 13899 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 13900% 13901Dear Freshman, 13902 You don't know who I am and frankly shouldn't care, but 13903unknown to you we have something in common. We are both rather 13904prone to mistakes. I was elected Student Government President by 13905mistake, and you came to school here by mistake. 13906% 13907Dear Lord: 13908 I just want a one-armed manager so I 13909 never have to hear "On the other hand", again. 13910% 13911Dear Lord: Please make my words sweet and tender, for tomorrow I may 13912have to eat them. 13913% 13914Dear Miss Manners: 13915 My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's 13916elbows on the table. However, I have read that one elbow, in between 13917courses, is all right. Which is correct? 13918 13919Gentle Reader: 13920 For the purpose of answering examinations in your home 13921economics class, your teacher is correct. Catching on to this principle 13922of education may be of even greater importance to you now than learning 13923correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners believes that is. 13924% 13925Dear Miss Manners: 13926I carry a big black umbrella, even if there's just a thirty percent chance of 13927rain. May I ask a young lady who is a stranger to me to share its protection? 13928This morning, I was waiting for a bus in comparative comfort, my umbrella 13929protecting me from the downpour, and noticed an attractive young woman getting 13930soaked. I have often seen her at my bus stop, although we have never spoken, 13931and I don't even know her name. Could I have asked her to get under my 13932umbrella without seeming insulting? 13933 13934Gentle Reader: 13935Certainly. Consideration for those less fortunate than you is always proper, 13936although it would be more convincing if you stopped babbling about how 13937attractive she is. In order not to give Good Samaritanism a bad name, Miss 13938Manners asks you to allow her two or three rainy days of unmolested protection 13939before making your attack. 13940% 13941Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part of 13942this complete breakfast". The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old will be 13943watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a commercial for 13944a children's compressed breakfast compound such as "Froot Loops" or "Lucky 13945Charms", and they always show it sitting on a table next to some actual food 13946such as eggs, and the announcer always says: "Part of this complete 13947breakfast". Doesn't that really mean, "Adjacent to this complete breakfast", 13948or "On the same table as this complete breakfast"? And couldn't they make 13949essentially the same claim if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of 13950shaving cream there, or a dead bat? 13951 13952Answer: Yes. 13953 -- Dave Barry 13954% 13955Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe? 13956 13957Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business signs 13958to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a word, as in: 13959WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY ITEM'S. 13960Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when creating hand- lettered 13961small-business signs is that you should put quotation marks around random 13962words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S. 13963 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" 13964% 13965Dear Ms. Postnews: 13966 I couldn't get mail through to somebody on another site. What 13967 should I do? 13968 -- Eager Beaver 13969 13970Dear Eager: 13971 No problem, just post your message to a group that a lot of people 13972read. Say, "This is for John Smith. I couldn't get mail through so I'm 13973posting it. All others please ignore." 13974 This way tens of thousands of people will spend a few seconds scanning 13975over and ignoring your article, using up over 16 man-hours their collective 13976time, but you will be saved the terrible trouble of checking through usenet 13977maps or looking for alternate routes. Just think, if you couldn't distribute 13978your message to 9000 other computers, you might actually have to (gasp) call 13979directory assistance for 60 cents, or even phone the person. This can cost 13980as much as a few DOLLARS (!) for a 5 minute call! 13981 And certainly it's better to spend 10 to 20 dollars of other people's 13982money distributing the message than for you to have to waste $9 on an overnight 13983letter, or even 25 cents on a stamp! 13984 Don't forget. The world will end if your message doesn't get through, 13985so post it as many places as you can. 13986 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 13987% 13988Dear Sir, 13989 I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or 13990to the office, We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in public 13991places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result in the farmers 13992being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn will cause massive un- 13993employment in the already severely depressed agricultural industry. 13994 Yours faithfully, 13995 Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J.P. 13996 Sevenoaks 13997 -- Letters To The Editor, The Times of London 13998% 13999DEATH: 14000 To stop sinning suddenly. 14001 -- Elbert Hubbard 14002% 14003Death before dishonor. 14004But neither before breakfast. 14005% 14006Death comes on every passing breeze, 14007He lurks in every flower; 14008Each season has its own disease, 14009Its peril -- every hour. 14010 --Reginald Heber 14011% 14012Death has been proven to be 99% fatal in laboratory rats. 14013% 14014Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort 14015of like a shell leaving the nut behind. 14016 -- Erma Bombeck 14017% 14018Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy. 14019% 14020Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. 14021 -- R. Geis 14022% 14023Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings. 14024% 14025Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'. 14026% 14027Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down. 14028% 14029Death rays don't kill people, people kill people!! 14030% 14031DEATH WISH: 14032 The only wish that always comes true, whether or not one wishes it to. 14033% 14034Debug is human, de-fix divine. 14035% 14036DEC diagnostics would run on a dead whale. 14037 -- Mel Ferentz 14038% 14039Decemba, n: The 12th month of the year. 14040erra, n: A mistake. 14041faa, n: To, from, or at considerable distance. 14042Linder, n: A female name. 14043memba, n: To recall to the mind; think of again. 14044New Hampsha, n: A state in the northeast United States. 14045New Yaak, n: Another state in the northeast United States. 14046Novemba, n: The 11th month of the year. 14047Octoba, n: The 10th month of the year. 14048ova, n: Location above or across a specified position. What the 14049 season is when the Knicks quit playing. 14050 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary 14051% 14052DECISIONMAKER: 14053 The person in your office who was unable 14054 to form a task force before the music stopped. 14055% 14056Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really over- 14057whelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene language may 14058not be used by contestants when addressing members of the judging panel, 14059or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when addressing contestants 14060(unless struck by a boomerang). 14061 -- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing Assoc. 14062% 14063Declared guilty... of displaying feelings of an almost human nature. 14064 -- Pink Floyd, "The Wall" 14065% 14066Decorate your home. It gives the illusion 14067that your life is more interesting than it really is. 14068 -- C. Schultz 14069% 14070"Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of 14071marvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a theory", 14072quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah, those who can 14073claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly blessed. 14074 -- Randy Davis 14075% 14076DEFAULT: 14077 The hardware's, of course. 14078% 14079Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat. 14080 -- Bill Musselman 14081% 14082#define BITCOUNT(x) (((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255) 14083#define BX_(x) ((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777) \ 14084 - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333) \ 14085 - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111)) 14086 14087-- Count the number of bits in a word. 14088% 14089Deflector shields just came on, Captain. 14090% 14091(defun NF (a c) 14092 (cond ((null c) () ) 14093 ((atom (car c)) 14094 (append (list (eval (list 'getchar (list (car c) 'a) (cadr c)))) 14095 (nf a (cddr c)))) 14096 (t (append (list (implode (nf a (car c)))) (nf a (cdr c)))))) 14097 14098(defun AD (want-job challenging boston-area) 14099 (cond 14100 ((or (not (equal want-job 'yes)) 14101 (not (equal boston-area 'yes)) 14102 (lessp challenging 7)) () ) 14103 (t (append (nf (get 'ad 'expr) 14104 '((caaddr 1 caadr 2 car 1 car 1) 14105 (car 5 cadadr 9 cadadr 8 cadadr 9 caadr 4 car 2 car 1) 14106 (car 2 caadr 4))) 14107 (list '851-5071x2661))))) 14108;;; We are an affirmative action employer. 14109% 14110DEJA VU: 14111 French., already seen; unoriginal; trite. 14112 Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced 14113 something actually being encountered for the first time. 14114 Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced 14115 something actually being encountered for the first time. 14116% 14117Delay is preferable to error. 14118 -- Thomas Jefferson 14119% 14120Delay not, Caesar. Read it instantly. 14121 -- Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 3,1 14122 14123Here is a letter, read it at your leisure. 14124 -- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" 5,1 14125 14126 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 14127 referring to I/O system services.] 14128% 14129Deliberate provocation of mystical experience, particularly by LSD and 14130related hallucinogens, in contrast to spontaneous visionary experiences, 14131entails dangers that must not be underestimated. Practitioners must take 14132into account the peculiar effects of these substances, namely their ability 14133to influence our consciousness, the innermost essence of our being. The 14134history of LSD to date amply demonstrates the catastrophic consequences that 14135can ensue when its profound effect is misjudged and the substance is mistaken 14136for a pleasure drug. Special internal and external advance preparations 14137are required; with them, an LSD experiment can become a meaningful experience. 14138 -- Dr. Albert Hoffman, the discoverer of LSD 14139 14140I believe that if people would learn to use LSD's vision-inducing capability 14141more wisely, under suitable conditions, in medical practice and in conjunction 14142with meditation, then in the future this problem child could become a wonder 14143child. 14144 -- Dr. Albert Hoffman 14145% 14146DELIBERATION: 14147 The act of examining one's bread 14148 to determine which side it is buttered on. 14149% 14150Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow. 14151% 14152Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever 14153skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but oblivious 14154to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, and due to an 14155overdose of fluoride as a child which caused her to suffer from chronic 14156apathy, doomed herself to lie forever on the floor of her life as useless 14157as an appendix and as lonely as a five-hundred pound barbell in a 14158steroid-free fitness center. 14159 -- Winning sentence, 1990 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. 14160% 14161Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about 14162her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad 14163nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth. 14164% 14165Democracy becomes a government of bullies, tempered by editors. 14166 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 14167% 14168Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder 14169aloud what the country could do under first-class management. 14170 -- Senator Soaper 14171% 14172Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the 14173incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few. 14174 -- G.B. Shaw 14175% 14176Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who 14177will get the blame. 14178 -- Laurence J. Peter 14179% 14180Democracy is also a form of worship. 14181It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses. 14182 -- H.L. Mencken 14183% 14184Democracy is the name we give the people whenever we need them. 14185 -- Arman de Caillavet, 1913 14186% 14187Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half 14188of the people are right more than half of the time. 14189 -- E.B. White 14190% 14191Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and 14192deserve to get it good and hard. 14193 -- H.L. Mencken, "Little Book in C major", 1916 14194% 14195Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other 14196forms that have been tried from time to time. 14197 -- Winston Churchill 14198% 14199Democracy, n: 14200 A government of the masses. Authority derived through mass meeting 14201or any other form of direct expression. Results in mobocracy. Attitude 14202toward property is communistic... negating property rights. Attitude toward 14203law is that the will of the majority shall regulate, whether it is based 14204upon deliberation or governed by passion, prejudice, and impulse, without 14205restraint or regard to consequences. Result is demagogism, license, 14206agitation, discontent, anarchy. 14207 -- U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932), 14208 since withdrawn. 14209% 14210Democracy, n: 14211 In which you say what you like and do what you're told. 14212 -- Gerald Barry 14213 14214The difference between a Democracy and a Dictatorship is that in a 14215Democracy you vote first and take orders later; in a Dictatorship 14216you don't have to waste your time voting. 14217 -- Charles Bukowski 14218% 14219Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere. 14220Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group. 14221 14222Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA. 14223The remainder is thrown out. 14224 14225Republicans usually wear hats and almost always clean their paint brushes. 14226 14227Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper. 14228Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage. 14229 14230Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car 14231windows by Democrats. 14232 -- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules" 14233% 14234Dental health is next to mental health. 14235% 14236Dentist: 14237 A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, 14238 pulls coins out of one's pockets. 14239 -- Ambrose Bierce 14240% 14241Denver, n: 14242 A smallish city located just below the `O' in Colorado. 14243% 14244Depart in pieces, i.e., split. 14245% 14246Depart not from the path which fate has assigned you. 14247% 14248Department chairmen never die, they just lose their faculties. 14249% 14250Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, 14251but remember, it didn't help the rabbit. 14252 -- R.E. Shay 14253% 14254Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face. 14255% 14256Der Horizont vieler Menschen ist ein Kreis mit Radius Null - 14257und das nennen sie ihren Standpunkt. 14258% 14259Design: 14260 What you regret not doing later on. 14261% 14262design, v: 14263 What you regret not doing later on. 14264% 14265Desist from enumerating your fowl 14266prior to their emergence from the shell. 14267% 14268Despite all appearances, your boss 14269is a thinking, feeling, human being. 14270% 14271Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will 14272be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over 14273the table. 14274 -- The Anarchist Cookbook 14275% 14276Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't, 14277don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck. 14278 -- Joseph Heller, "God Knows" 14279% 14280Detroit is Cleveland without the glitter. 14281% 14282DeVries' Dilemma: 14283 If you hit two keys on the typewriter, 14284 the one you don't want hits the paper. 14285% 14286Dianetics is a milestone for man comparable to his discovery of 14287fire and superior to his invention of the wheel and the arch. 14288 -- L. Ron Hubbard 14289% 14290Dibble's First Law of Sociology: 14291 Some do, some don't. 14292% 14293Did it ever occur to you that fat chance 14294and slim chance mean the same thing? 14295 14296Or that we drive on parkways and park on driveways? 14297% 14298Did you ever notice that everyone in favour of birth control 14299has already been born? 14300 -- Benny Hill 14301% 14302Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think 14303that's how dogs spend their lives. 14304 -- Sue Murphy 14305% 14306Did you ever wonder what you'd say to God if He sneezed? 14307% 14308"Did YOU find a DIGITAL WATCH in YOUR box of VELVEETA?" 14309 -- Zippy the Pinhead 14310% 14311Did you hear about the model who sat 14312on a broken bottle and cut a nice figure? 14313% 14314Did you hear that Captain Crunch, Sugar Bear, Tony the Tiger, and 14315Snap, Crackle and Pop were all murdered recently... 14316 14317Police suspect the work of a cereal killer! 14318% 14319Did you hear that there's a group of South American Indians that worship 14320the number zero? 14321 14322Is nothing sacred? 14323% 14324Did you hear that two rabbits escaped from the zoo and so far they have 14325only recaptured 116 of them? 14326% 14327Did you know? 14328 EVERY TIME A LOAF OF BREAD IS BAKED, 14329 APPROXIMATELY 14330 150,000,000 YEASTS ARE 14331 KILLED 14332 14333 Come to the award-winning 1987 film, 14334 "The Very Small and Quiet Screams" 14335 -- a cinematic electromicrograph of yeasts being baked. 14336 14337A must for those who care about yeast, and especially for those who don't. 14338 14339 SPONSORED BY 14340 Brown Anaerobe Rights Coalition (BARC) 14341 Student Bakers for Social Responsibility 14342 Coalition for the ELevation of Life (CELL) 14343 Campus Crusade for Fetal Matters 14344 14345Defend all life: "From greatest to least, from human to yeast!" 14346% 14347Did you know about the -o option of the fortune program? It makes a 14348selection from a set of offensive and/or obscene fortunes. Why not 14349try it, and see how offended you are? The -a ("all") option will 14350select a fortune at random from either the offensive or inoffensive 14351set, and it is suggested that "fortune -a" is the command that you 14352should have in your .profile or .cshrc. file. 14353% 14354Did you know that clones never use mirrors? 14355% 14356Did you know that for the price of a 280-Z you can buy two Z-80's? 14357 -- P.J. Plauger 14358% 14359Did you know the University of Iowa 14360closed down after someone stole the book? 14361% 14362Did you know.... 14363 14364That no-one ever reads these things? 14365% 14366Didja' ever have to make up your mind, 14367Pick up on one and leave the other behind, 14368It's not often easy, and it's not often kind, 14369Didja' ever have to make up your mind? 14370 -- Lovin' Spoonful 14371% 14372Didja hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa? 14373% 14374"Didn't I buy a 1951 Packard from you last March in Cairo?" 14375 -- Zippy the Pinhead 14376% 14377Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore 14378would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him. 14379 -- John Barrymore's dying words 14380% 14381Diet Mountain Dew has the same pH and density of urine. 14382 -- Newsweek, 31 July, 1989 14383% 14384Dieters live life in the fasting lane. 14385% 14386Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little. 14387% 14388Digital circuits are made from analog parts. 14389 -- Don Vonada 14390% 14391Dignity is like a flag. 14392It flaps in a storm. 14393 -- Roy Mengot 14394% 14395Dime is money. 14396% 14397Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term, convertible 14398only through the use of weird and unnatural conversion factors. Velocity, 14399for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight. 14400% 14401Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off. 14402% 14403Dinner suggestion #302 (Hacker's De-lite): 14404 1 tin imported Brisling sardines in tomato sauce 14405 1 pouch Chocolate Malt Carnation Instant Breakfast 14406 1 carton milk 14407% 14408Dinosaurs aren't extinct. They've just learned to hide in the trees. 14409% 14410Diogenes, having abandoned his search for 14411truth, is now searching for a good fantasy. 14412% 14413Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone 14414asked him, after a few days. 14415 "Not too bad", replied Diogenes. "I still have my lantern." 14416% 14417Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century. 14418Politics is about surviving until Friday afternoon. 14419 -- Sir Humphrey Appleby 14420% 14421Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way. 14422% 14423Diplomacy is the art of letting the other party have things your way. 14424 -- Daniele Vare 14425% 14426Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock. 14427 -- Wynn Catlin 14428% 14429Diplomacy is to do and say, the nastiest thing in the nicest way. 14430 -- Balfour 14431% 14432diplomacy, n: 14433 Lying in state. 14434% 14435Dirksen's Three Laws of Politics: 14436 14437 1: Get elected. 14438 2: Get re-elected. 14439 3: Don't get mad, get even. 14440 -- Sen. Everett Dirksen 14441% 14442disbar, n: 14443 As distinguished from some other bar. 14444% 14445Disc space -- the final frontier! 14446% 14447DISCLAIMER: 14448Use of this advanced computing technology does not imply 14449an endorsement of Western industrial civilization. 14450% 14451Disclose classified information only when a NEED TO KNOW exists. 14452% 14453Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art. 14454% 14455Disease can be cured; fate is incurable. 14456 -- Chinese proverb 14457% 14458Dishonor will not trouble me, once I am dead. 14459 -- Euripides 14460% 14461Disk crisis, please clean up! 14462% 14463Disks travel in packs. 14464% 14465Disraeli was pretty close: actually, there are Lies, Damn lies, Statistics, 14466Benchmarks, and Delivery dates. 14467% 14468Distance doesn't make you any smaller, 14469but it does make you part of a larger picture. 14470% 14471DISTRESS: 14472 A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend. 14473% 14474Distrust all those who love you extremely upon a very slight 14475acquaintance and without any visible reason. 14476 -- Lord Chesterfield 14477% 14478Ditat Deus. (God enriches.) 14479% 14480Divorce is a game played by lawyers. 14481 -- Cary Grant 14482% 14483Do clones have navels? 14484% 14485Do I like getting drunk? Depends on who's doing the drinking. 14486 -- Amy Gorin 14487% 14488Do Miami a favor. When you leave, take someone with you. 14489% 14490Do molecular biologists wear designer genes? 14491% 14492Do more than anyone expects, and pretty soon everyone will expect more. 14493% 14494Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them. 14495% 14496Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses. 14497% 14498Do not count your chickens before they are hatched. 14499 -- Aesop 14500% 14501Do not despair of life. You have no doubt force enough to overcome 14502your obstacles. Think of the fox prowling through wood and field in 14503a winter night for something to satisfy his hunger. Notwithstanding 14504cold and hounds and traps, his race survives. I do not believe any 14505of them ever committed suicide. 14506 -- Henry David Thoreau 14507% 14508Do not do unto others as you would they should do unto you. 14509Their tastes may not be the same. 14510 -- George Bernard Shaw 14511% 14512Do not drink coffee in early A.M. It will keep you awake until noon. 14513% 14514Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy. 14515 -- Robert Heinlein 14516% 14517Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to anger. 14518% 14519Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, 14520for they become soggy and hard to light. 14521 14522Do not throw cigarette butts in the urinal, 14523for they are subtle and quick to anger. 14524% 14525Do not overtax your powers. 14526% 14527Do not read this fortune under penalty of law. 14528Violators will be prosecuted. 14529(Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.)) 14530% 14531Do not seek death; death will find you. 14532But seek the road which makes death a fulfillment. 14533 -- Dag Hammarskjold 14534% 14535Do not simplify the design of a program if a way 14536can be found to make it complex and wonderful. 14537% 14538Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight. 14539% 14540Do not stoop to tie your laces in your neighbor's melon patch. 14541% 14542Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out of it alive. 14543% 14544Do not think by infection, catching an opinion like a cold. 14545% 14546Do not try to solve all life's problems at once -- 14547learn to dread each day as it comes. 14548 -- Donald Kaul 14549% 14550Do not underestimate the power of the Farce. 14551% 14552Do not underestimate the power of the Force. 14553% 14554Do not use that foreign word "ideals". We have that excellent native 14555word "lies". 14556 -- Henrik Ibsen, "The Wild Duck" 14557% 14558Do not use the blue keys on this terminal. 14559% 14560Do not worry about which side your 14561bread is buttered on: you eat BOTH sides. 14562% 14563Do nothing unless you must, and when you must act -- hesitate. 14564% 14565Do, or do not; there is no try. 14566% 14567Do people know you have freckles everywhere? 14568% 14569Do something unusual today. Pay a bill. 14570% 14571Do students of Zen Buddhism do Om-work? 14572% 14573Do unto others before they undo you. 14574% 14575Do what comes naturally. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum. 14576% 14577Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law. 14578 -- Aleister Crowley 14579% 14580Do what you can to prolong your life, 14581in the hope that someday you'll learn what it's for. 14582% 14583Do you believe in intuition? 14584No, but I have a strange feeling that someday I will. 14585% 14586Do you feel personally responsible for the world food shortage? 14587Every time you go to the beach, does the tide come in? 14588Have you ever eaten an entire moose? 14589Can you see your neck? 14590Do joggers take laps around you for exercise? 14591If so, welcome to National Fat Week. 14592This week we'll eat without guilt, and kick off our membership campaign, 14593 ...by force-feeding a box of cornstarch to a skinny person. 14594 -- Garfield 14595% 14596Do you guys know what you're doing, or are you just hacking? 14597% 14598Do YOU have redeeming social value? 14599% 14600Do you know, I think that Dr. Swift was silly to laugh about Laputa. 14601I believe it is a mistake to make a mock of people, just because they 14602think. There are ninety thousand people in this world who do not 14603think, for every one who does, and these people hate the thinkers 14604like poison. Even if some thinkers are fanciful, it is wrong to make 14605fun of them for it. Better to think about cucumbers even, than not 14606to think at all. 14607 -- T.H. White 14608% 14609Do you know Montana? 14610% 14611Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education 14612is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't. 14613 -- Pete Seeger 14614% 14615Do you mean that you not only want a wrong 14616answer, but a certain wrong answer? 14617 -- Tobaben 14618% 14619Do you realize the responsibility I carry? I'm the only person standing 14620between Nixon and the White House. 14621 -- John F. Kennedy, in 1960 14622% 14623Do you suffer painful elimination? 14624 -- Don Knuth, "Structured Programming with Gotos" 14625 14626Do you suffer painful recrimination? 14627 -- Nancy Boxer, "Structured Programming with Come-froms" 14628 14629Do you suffer painful illumination? 14630 -- Isaac Newton, "Optics" 14631 14632Do you suffer painful hallucination? 14633 -- Don Juan, cited by Carlos Casteneda 14634% 14635Do you think that illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? 14636% 14637Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he 14638just whipped out a quarter? 14639 -- Stephen Wright 14640% 14641"Do you think there's a God?" 14642"Well, SOMEbody's out to get me!" 14643 -- Calvin and Hobbes 14644% 14645"Do you think what we're doing is wrong?" 14646"Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!" 14647"I've never done anything illegal before." 14648"I thought you said you were an accountant!" 14649% 14650Do you think your mother and I should have lived 14651comfortably so long together if ever we had been married? 14652% 14653Do you want to know what's ahead for you, in your happiness at home, 14654your business success? Here's a telling test: Look in the mirror. Is 14655your skin smooth and lovely, your hair gleaming, your make-up glamorous? 14656Are you slender enough for your height? Do you stand erect, confident? 14657Yes? Then you are on your way to success as a woman. 14658 -- Ladies Home Journal, 1947 advertisement 14659% 14660Do your otters do the shimmy? 14661Do they like to shake their tails? 14662Do your wombats sleep in tophats? 14663Is your garden full of snails? 14664% 14665Do your part to help preserve life on 14666Earth -- by trying to preserve your own. 14667% 14668Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with 14669little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives. 14670 -- Roy G. Blount, Jr. 14671% 14672Documentation: 14673 Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for English 14674 speaking persons. 14675% 14676Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must 14677be good because the programmers hate it so much. 14678% 14679Does a good farmer neglect a crop he has planted? 14680Does a good teacher overlook even the most humble student? 14681Does a good father allow a single child to starve? 14682Does a good programmer refuse to maintain his code? 14683 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 14684% 14685Does a one-legged duck swim in a circle? 14686% 14687Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? 14688% 14689Dogs just don't seem to be able to tell the difference between important people 14690and the rest of us. 14691% 14692Doin' it in the dark, down in Rock Creek Park. 14693% 14694Doing gets it done. 14695% 14696Domestic happiness and faithful friends. 14697% 14698Don 14699Ameche: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill! 14700 Was she pretty? 14701W.C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of 14702 bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have 14703 to sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia. 14704Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative. 14705W.C.: It's almost impossible. 14706 -- W.C. Fields, "The Further Adventures of Larson E. 14707 Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles" 14708% 14709Don't abandon hope. 14710Your Captain Midnight decoder ring arrives tomorrow. 14711% 14712Don't assume that every sad-eyed woman has loved and lost -- she may 14713have got him. 14714% 14715Don't be concerned, it will not harm you, 14716It's only me pursuing something I'm not sure of, 14717Across my dreams, with neptive wonder, 14718I chase the bright elusive butterfly of love. 14719% 14720Don't be humble, you're not that great. 14721 -- Golda Meir 14722% 14723Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 14724% 14725Don't be overly suspicious where it's not warranted. 14726% 14727Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say. 14728% 14729Don't buy a landslide. I don't want to have to pay for one more vote 14730than I have to. 14731 -- Joseph P. Kennedy, on JFK's election strategy. 14732% 14733Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality. 14734% 14735Don't confuse things that need action 14736with those that take care of themselves. 14737% 14738Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today! 14739% 14740Don't crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers! 14741 -- Firesign Theatre 14742% 14743Don't despair; your ideal lover is waiting for you around the corner. 14744% 14745Don't despise your poor relations, they may become suddenly rich one day. 14746 -- Josh Billings 14747% 14748Don't do the crime, if you can't do the time. 14749 -- Lt. Col. Ollie North 14750% 14751Don't do unto others as you would they should do unto you. 14752Their tastes may not be the same. 14753 -- G.B. Shaw 14754% 14755Don't drink when you drive -- you might hit a bump and spill it. 14756% 14757Don't drop acid -- take it pass/fail. 14758 -- Seen in a Ladies Room at Harvard 14759% 14760Don't eat yellow snow. 14761% 14762Don't ever slam a door; you might want to go back. 14763% 14764Don't everyone thank me at once! 14765 -- Han Solo 14766% 14767Don't expect people to keep in step-- 14768it's hard enough just staying in line. 14769% 14770Don't feed the bats tonight. 14771% 14772Don't force it, get a larger hammer. 14773 -- Anthony 14774% 14775Don't get even, get odd. 14776% 14777Don't get mad, get even. 14778 -- Joseph P. Kennedy 14779 14780Don't get even, get jewelry. 14781 -- Anonymous 14782% 14783Don't get mad, get interest. 14784% 14785Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out. 14786% 14787Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they 14788can be terribly misleading. Debug only code. 14789 -- Dave Storer 14790% 14791Don't get to bragging. 14792% 14793Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. 14794The world owes you nothing. It was here first. 14795 -- Mark Twain 14796% 14797Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while. 14798% 14799Don't go to bed with no price on your head. 14800 -- Baretta 14801% 14802Don't guess - check your security regulations. 14803% 14804Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon. 14805% 14806Don't have good ideas if you aren't willing to be responsible for them. 14807% 14808Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts. 14809% 14810Don't I know you? 14811% 14812Don't interfere with the stranger's style. 14813% 14814Don't just eat a hamburger; eat the HELL out of it. 14815 -- J.R. "Bob" Dobbs 14816% 14817Don't kid yourself. Little is relevant, and nothing lasts forever. 14818% 14819Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today. 14820% 14821Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam. 14822% 14823Don't know what time I'll be back, Mom. 14824Probably soon after she throws me out. 14825% 14826Don't let go of what you've got hold of, 14827until you have hold of something else. 14828 -- First Rule of Wing Walking 14829% 14830Don't let nobody tell you what you cannot do; 14831don't let nobody tell you what's impossible for you; 14832don't let nobody tell you what you got to do, 14833or you'll never know ... what's on the other side of the rainbow... 14834remember, if you don't follow your dreams, 14835you'll never know what's on the other side of the rainbow... 14836 -- melba moore, "the other side of the rainbow" 14837% 14838Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance. 14839% 14840Don't let your status become too quo! 14841% 14842Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you. 14843% 14844Don't look back, the lemmings might be gaining on you. 14845% 14846Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you. 14847% 14848Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder. 14849% 14850Don't lose 14851Your head 14852To gain a minute 14853You need your head 14854Your brains are in it. 14855 -- Burma Shave 14856% 14857Don't make a big deal out of everything; just deal with everything. 14858% 14859Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. 14860 -- Scottish Proverb 14861% 14862Don't mind him; politicians always sound like that. 14863% 14864Don't plan any hasty moves. 14865You'll be evicted soon anyway. 14866% 14867Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today because 14868if you do it today, you can do it again tomorrow. 14869% 14870Don't put too fine a point to your wit for fear it should get blunted. 14871 -- Miguel de Cervantes 14872% 14873Don't quit now, we might just as well 14874lock the door and throw away the key. 14875% 14876Don't read any sky-writing for the next two weeks. 14877% 14878Don't read everything you believe. 14879% 14880Don't relax! It's only your tension that's holding you together. 14881% 14882Don't remember what you can infer. 14883 -- Harry Tennant 14884% 14885Don't say "yes" until I finish talking. 14886 -- Darryl F. Zanuck 14887% 14888Don't shoot until you're sure you both aren't on the same side. 14889% 14890Don't shout for help at night. You might wake your neighbors. 14891 -- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts" 14892% 14893Don't smoke the next cigarette. Repeat. 14894% 14895Don't speak about Time, until you have spoken to him. 14896% 14897Don't steal... the IRS hates competition! 14898% 14899Don't stop to stomp ants when the elephants are stampeding. 14900% 14901Don't sweat it -- it's only ones and zeros. 14902 -- P. Skelly 14903% 14904Don't take a nickel, just hand them your business card. 14905 -- Richard Daley, advising on the safe enjoyment of graft 14906% 14907Don't take life seriously, you'll never get out alive. 14908% 14909Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum, 14910sodomy and the lash. 14911 -- Winston Churchill 14912% 14913Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective. 14914% 14915Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done. 14916 -- James J. Ling 14917% 14918Don't tell me that worry doesn't do any good. 14919I know better. The things I worry about don't happen. 14920 -- Watchman Examiner 14921% 14922Don't tell me what you dream'd last night for I've been reading Freud. 14923% 14924Don't try to have the last word -- you might get it. 14925 -- Lazarus Long 14926% 14927Don't try to outweird me, three-eyes. I get stranger things than you free 14928with my breakfast cereal. 14929 -- Zaphod Beeblebrox 14930% 14931Don't vote - it only encourages them! 14932% 14933Don't wake me up too soon... 14934Gonna take a ride across the moon... 14935You and me. 14936% 14937Don't worry. Life's too long. 14938 -- Vincent Sardi, Jr. 14939% 14940Don't worry -- the brontosaurus is slow, stupid, and placid. 14941% 14942Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas 14943are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats. 14944 -- Howard Aiken 14945% 14946Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. 14947It's already tomorrow in Australia. 14948 -- Charles Schultz 14949% 14950Don't Worry, Be Happy. 14951 -- Meher Baba 14952% 14953Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, 14954you can always take something for it. 14955% 14956Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. 14957They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them. 14958% 14959Don't worry so loud, your roommate can't think. 14960% 14961Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in? 14962% 14963"Don't you think what we're doing is wrong?" 14964"Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!" 14965"Well, I've never done anything illegal before." 14966"... I thought you said you were an accountant." 14967% 14968Don't you wish that all the people who sincerely 14969want to help you could agree with each other? 14970% 14971Don't you wish you had more energy... or less ambition? 14972% 14973Dope will get you through times of no money better that money will get 14974you through times of no dope. 14975 -- Gilbert Shelton 14976% 14977Dorothy: But how can you talk without a brain? 14978Scarecrow: Well, I don't know... but some people 14979 without brains do an awful lot of talking. 14980 -- The Wizard of Oz 14981% 14982Double! 14983% 14984Double Bucky, you're the one, 14985You make my keyboard so much fun, 14986Double Bucky, an additional bit or two, (Vo-vo-de-o) 14987Control and meta, side by side, 14988Augmented ASCII, 9 bits wide! 14989Double Bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few! 14990 14991Oh, I sure wish that I, 14992Had a couple of bits more! 14993Perhaps a set of pedals to make the number of bits four. 14994 14995Double Double Bucky! Double Bucky left and right 14996OR'd together, outta sight! 14997Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of, 14998Double Bucky, I'm happy I heard of, 14999Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of you! 15000 -- to Nicholas Wirth, who suggested that an extra bit 15001 be added to terminal codes on 36-bit machines for use 15002 by screen editors. [to the tune of "Rubber Ducky"] 15003% 15004double-blind Experiment, n: 15005 An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is 15006fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied 15007by a strong belief in the tooth fairy. 15008% 15009Doubt is a not a pleasant mental state, but certainty is a ridiculous one. 15010 -- Voltaire 15011% 15012Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd. 15013 -- Voltaire 15014% 15015Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith. 15016 -- Paul Tillich, German theologian. 15017% 15018Down to the Banana Republics, 15019Down to the tropical sun. 15020Go the expatriated Americans, 15021Hoping to find some fun. 15022Some of them go for the sailing, 15023Caught by the lure of the sea. 15024Trying to find what is ailing, 15025Living in the land of the free. 15026Some of them are running from lovers, 15027Leaving no forward address. 15028Some of them are running tons of ganja, 15029Some are running from the IRS. 15030Late at night you will find them, 15031In the cheap hotels and bars. 15032Hustling the senoritas, 15033While they dance beneath the stars. 15034 -- Jimmy Buffet, "Banana Republics" 15035% 15036Down with the categorical imperative! 15037% 15038Dow's Law: 15039 In a hierarchical organization, 15040 the higher the level, the greater the confusion. 15041% 15042Dozens of bears are found dead in Alaska and Canada every summer, killed 15043by blood lost to the voracious mosquito. The estimated life-expectancy 15044of a naked man on the tundra in summer is about 15 minutes. In that 15045time, approximately 250,000 mosquitoes would have drawn enough blood to 15046kill him. 15047 -- Gus McLeavy, "Day-by-Day Trivia Almanac" 15048% 15049Dr. Fritzkee's Lucky Astrology Diet 15050 15051The problem with the diets of today is that most women who do achieve 15052that magic weight, seventy-six pounds, are still fat. Dr. Fritzkee's 15053Lucky Astrology Diet is a sure-fire method of reducing with the added 15054luxury that you never feel hungry. 15055 15056Here's how the diet works: 15057 15058 FOODS ALLOWED 15059First Month: One egg 15060Second Month: A raisin 15061Third Month: Pumpkin pie with whipped cream and chocolate sauce. 15062 15063If after the third month you haven't gotten to your dream weight, try 15064lopping off parts of your body until those scales tip just right for you. 15065% 15066Dr. Jekyll had something to Hyde. 15067% 15068Dr. Livingston? 15069Dr. Livingston I. Presume? 15070% 15071Draft beer, not people. 15072% 15073Drakenberg's Discovery: 15074 If you can't seem to find your glasses, 15075 it's probably because you don't have them on. 15076% 15077Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. 15078% 15079Dreams are free, but there's a small charge for alterations. 15080% 15081Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time. 15082% 15083Drew's Law of Highway Biology: 15084 The first bug to hit a clean windshield 15085 lands directly in front of your eyes. 15086% 15087Drilling for oil is boring. 15088% 15089Drink and dance and laugh and lie 15090Love, the reeling midnight through 15091For tomorrow we shall die! 15092(But, alas, we never do.) 15093 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Flaw in Paganism" 15094% 15095Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it *is* fun trying. 15096% 15097Drinking coffee for instant relaxation? That's like drinking alcohol for 15098instant motor skills. 15099 -- Marc Price 15100% 15101Drinking is not a spectator sport. 15102 -- Jim Brosnan 15103% 15104Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin 15105with, that it's compounding a felony. 15106 -- Robert Benchley 15107% 15108Drinking when we are not thirsty and making love at all seasons, madam: 15109that is all there is to distinguish us from the other animals. 15110 -- Pierre de Beaumarchais, "Le Marriage de Figaro" 15111% 15112Drive defensively, buy a tank. 15113% 15114Driving in Texas is simple. For the first 100 miles you swerve to 15115avoid jackrabbits. For the second 100 miles you hit whatever 15116jackrabbits get in the way. After that you chase off into the 15117brush after them. 15118% 15119Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly pointed out 15120of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening sight I have ever 15121seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing more alarming than a 15122priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand on the child's shoulder. 15123"Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning out of the car. "Run for your 15124life!" 15125% 15126Drop that pickle! 15127% 15128DROP THE DAMN BEAR!!! 15129 -- The Adventurer 15130% 15131Drop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past. 15132 -- The Adventurer 15133% 15134drug, n: 15135 A substance that, when injected into a rat, produces a scientific 15136 paper. 15137% 15138Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route! 15139% 15140Drunks are rarely amusing unless they know some good songs and lose a 15141lot a poker. 15142 -- Karyl Roosevelt 15143% 15144Ducharme's Precept: 15145 Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. 15146 15147Ducharme's Axiom: 15148 If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize 15149 yourself as part of the problem. 15150% 15151Duckies are fun! 15152% 15153Ducks? What ducks?? 15154% 15155Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, 15156and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. 15157 -- Carl Zwanzig 15158% 15159Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the 15160production of great leaders has been discontinued. 15161% 15162Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your 15163fate and captain of your soul. 15164% 15165Dungeons and Dragons is just a lot of Saxon Violence. 15166% 15167During almost fifteen centuries the legal establishment of Christianity has 15168been upon trial. What has been its fruits? More or less, in all places, 15169pride and indolence in the clergy; ignorance and servility in the laity,; 15170in both, superstition, bigotry, and persecution. 15171 -- James Madison 15172% 15173During the next two hours, the VAX will be going up and down 15174several times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_~ 15175{o[po ~poodsou>#w4k**n~po_~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o 15176% 15177During the Reagan-Mondale debates: 15178 15179Q: "Do you feel that a person's age affects his ability to 15180 perform as president?" 15181Reagan: "I refuse to make an issue out of my opponent's youth and 15182 inexperience." 15183% 15184During the voyage of life, remember to keep an eye out for a 15185fair wind; batten down during a storm; hail all passing ships; 15186and fly your colors proudly. 15187% 15188Dustin Farnum: Why, yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats! 15189Oliver Herford: Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of it! 15190 -- Brian Herbert, "Classic Comebacks" 15191% 15192Duty, n: 15193 What one expects from others. 15194 -- Oscar Wilde 15195% 15196Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. My advice to you is to have 15197nothing whatever to do with it. 15198 -- W. Somerset Maugham, his last words 15199% 15200Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult. 15201 -- Actor Edmond Gween, on his deathbed. 15202% 15203Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. 15204 -- Woody Allen 15205% 15206E = MC ** 2 +- 3db 15207% 15208E Pluribus UNIX. 15209% 15210Each man is his own prisoner, in solitary confinement for life. 15211% 15212Each new user of a new system uncovers a new class of bugs. 15213 -- Kernighan 15214% 15215Each of these cults correspond to one of the two antagonists in the age of 15216Reformation. In the realm of the Apple Macintosh, as in Catholic Europe, 15217worshipers peer devoutly into screens filled with "icons." All is sound and 15218imagery and Appledom. Even words look like decorative filigrees in exotic 15219typefaces. The greatest icon of all, the inviolable Apple itself, stands in 15220the dominate position at the upper-left corner of the screen. A central 15221corporate headquarters decrees the form of all rites and practices. 15222Infallible doctrine issues from one executive officer whose selection occurs 15223in a sealed boardroom. Should anyone in his curia question his powers, the 15224offender is excommunicated into outer darkness. The expelled heretic founds 15225a new company, mutters obscurely of the coming age and the next computer, 15226then disappears into silence, taking his stockholders with him. The mother 15227company forbids financial competition as sternly as it stifles ideological 15228competition; if you want to use computer programs that conform to Apple's 15229orthodoxy, you must buy a computer made and sold by Apple itself. 15230 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988 15231% 15232Each of us bears his own Hell. 15233 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) 15234% 15235Each person has the right to take part in the management of public affairs 15236in his country, provided he has prior experience, a will to succeed, a 15237university degree, influential parents, good looks, a curriculum vitae, two 152383 X 4 snapshots, and a good tax record. 15239% 15240Each person has the right to take the subway. 15241% 15242EARL GREY PROFILES 15243 15244NAME: Jean-Luc Perriwinkle Picard 15245OCCUPATION: Starship Big Cheese 15246AGE: 94 15247BIRTHPLACE: Paris, Terra Sector 15248EYES: Grey 15249SKIN: Tanned 15250HAIR: Not much 15251LAST MAGAZINE READ: 15252 Lobes 'n' Probes, the Ferengi-Betazoid Sex Quarterly 15253TEA: Earl Grey. Hot. 15254 15255EARL GREY NEVER VARIES. 15256% 15257Earl Wiener, 55, a University of Miami professor of management 15258science, telling the Airline Pilots Association (in jest) about 1525921st century aircraft: 15260 15261 "The crew will consist of one pilot and a dog. The pilot will 15262 nurture and feed the dog. The dog will be there to bite the 15263 pilot if he touches anything. 15264 -- Fortune, Sept. 26, 1988 15265% 15266Early to bed and early to rise and you'll 15267be groggy when everyone else is wide awake. 15268% 15269Early to rise and early to bed makes 15270a man healthy and wealthy and dead. 15271 -- James Thurber 15272% 15273Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends. 15274% 15275Earth Destroyed by Solar Flare -- film clips at eleven. 15276% 15277/earth: file system full. 15278% 15279/Earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can. 15280% 15281Earth is a great funhouse without the fun. 15282 -- Jeff Berner 15283% 15284Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube: Black. 15285 15286Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the cube, and each of 15287side of the cube will now be the original color of the plastic underneath 15288-- black. According to the instructions, this means the puzzle is solved. 15289% 15290Easy come and easy go, 15291 some call me easy money, 15292Sometimes life is full of laughs, 15293 and sometimes it ain't funny 15294You may think that I'm a fool 15295 and sometimes that is true, 15296But I'm goin' to heaven in a flash of fire, 15297 with or without you. 15298 -- Hoyt Axton 15299% 15300Eat as much as you like -- just don't swallow it. 15301 -- Harry Secombe's diet 15302% 15303Eat, drink, and be merry! Tomorrow you may be in Utah. 15304% 15305Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we diet. 15306% 15307Eat one live frog the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will 15308happen to either of you for the rest of the day. 15309% 15310Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse 15311will happen to you the rest of the day. 15312 15313[Well, actually, to either of you... Ed.] 15314% 15315Eat right, stay fit, and die anyway. 15316% 15317Eat the rich, the poor are tough and stringy. 15318% 15319Eating chocolate is like being in love without the aggravation. 15320% 15321Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists. 15322 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 15323% 15324economics, n.: 15325 Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J.K. Galbraith. 15326 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 15327% 15328Economies of scale: 15329 The notion that bigger is better. In particular, that if you want 15330 a certain amount of computer power, it is much better to buy one 15331 biggie than a bunch of smallies. Accepted as an article of faith 15332 by people who love big machines and all that complexity. Rejected 15333 as an article of faith by those who love small machines and all 15334 those limitations. 15335% 15336economist, n: 15337 Someone who's good with figures, but doesn't have enough 15338 personality to become an accountant. 15339% 15340Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy would 15341turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it hasn't. 15342 -- Robert Orben 15343% 15344Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a 15345percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor. 15346 -- Edgar R. Fiedler 15347% 15348Editing is a rewording activity. 15349% 15350Education and religion are two things not regulated by supply and 15351demand. The less of either the people have, the less they want. 15352 -- Charlotte Observer, 1897 15353% 15354Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to 15355time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught. 15356 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Critic as Artist" 15357% 15358Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know. 15359 -- Daniel J. Boorstin 15360% 15361Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine. 15362 -- Irwin Edman 15363% 15364Education is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten. 15365 -- B.F. Skinner 15366% 15367Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead 15368to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters 15369of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with 15370royal-blue chickens. 15371 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 15372% 15373Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, 15374The spirits are about to speak... 15375% 15376Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks. 15377 -- Adlai Stevenson 15378% 15379Ego sum ens omnipotens 15380% 15381Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature 15382to relieve the pain of being a damned fool. 15383 -- Bellamy Brooks 15384% 15385Egotism is the anesthetic which numbs the pain of stupidity. 15386% 15387Egotism, n: 15388 Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen. 15389 15390Egotist, n: 15391 A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me. 15392 -- Ambrose Bierce 15393% 15394egrep -n '^[a-z].*\(' $ | sort -t':' +2.0 15395% 15396Ehrman's Commentary: 15397 1. Things will get worse before they get better. 15398 2. Who said things would get better? 15399% 15400Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees. 15401 -- Ronald Reagan, famous movie star 15402% 15403...eighty years later he could still recall with the young pang of his 15404original joy his falling in love with Ada. 15405 -- Nabokov 15406% 15407Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because 15408God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software 15409engineer. 15410 -- Fred Brooks 15411% 15412Eisenhower was very nice, 15413Nixon was his only vice. 15414 -- C. Degen 15415% 15416Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped. 15417 -- Groucho Marx' last words 15418% 15419ELBONICS: 15420 The actions of two people maneuvering for one 15421 armrest in a movie theatre. 15422 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 15423% 15424Eleanor Rigby 15425Sits at the keyboard and waits for a line on the screen 15426Lives in a dream 15427Waits for a signal, finding some code that will 15428 make the machine do some more. 15429What is it for? 15430 15431All the lonely users, where do they all come from? 15432All the lonely users, why does it take so long? 15433 15434Hacker MacKensie 15435Writing the code for a program that no one will run 15436It's nearly done 15437Look at him working, fixing the bugs in the night when there's 15438 nobody there. 15439What does he care? 15440 15441All the lonely users, where do they all come from? 15442All the lonely users, why does it take so long? 15443Ah, look at all the lonely users. 15444Ah, look at all the lonely users. 15445% 15446ELECTRIC JELL-O 15447 154482 boxes JELL-O brand gelatin 2 packages Knox brand unflavored gelatin 154492 cups fruit (any variety) 2+ cups water 154501/2 bottle Everclear brand grain alcohol 15451 15452Mix JELL-O and Knox gelatin into 2 cups of boiling water. Stir 'til 15453 fully dissolved. 15454Pour hot mixture into a flat pan. (JELL-O molds won't work.) 15455Stir in grain alcohol instead of usual cold water. Remove any congealing 15456 glops of slime. (Alcohol has an unusual effect on excess JELL-O.) 15457Pour in fruit to desired taste, and to absorb any excess alcohol. 15458Mix in some cold water to dilute the alcohol and make it easier to eat for 15459 the faint of heart. 15460Refrigerate overnight to allow mixture to fully harden. (About 8-12 hours.) 15461Cut into squares and enjoy! 15462 15463WARNING: 15464 Keep ingredients away from open flame. Not recommended for 15465 children under eight years of age. 15466% 15467Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance. 15468% 15469Electrocution, n: 15470 Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements. 15471% 15472Elegance and truth are inversely related. 15473 -- Becker's Razor 15474% 15475Elephant, n: 15476 A mouse built to government specifications. 15477% 15478Elevators smell different to midgets. 15479% 15480Eleventh Law of Acoustics: 15481 In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between 15482 frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they 15483 are all merely transforms of one another. This combined with 15484 minimalization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct 15485 compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can 15486 lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost. However, 15487 of course, this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd. 15488% 15489Eli and Bessie went to sleep. 15490In the middle of the night, Bessie nudged Eli. 15491 "Please be so kindly and close the window. It's cold outside!" 15492Half asleep, Eli murmured, 15493 "Nu ... so if I'll close the window, will it be warm outside?" 15494% 15495Elliptic paraboloids for sale. 15496% 15497Elliptical, n: 15498 The feel of a kiss. 15499% 15500Eloquence is logic on fire. 15501% 15502Elwood: What kind of music do you get here ma'am? 15503Barmaid: Why, we get both kinds of music, Country and Western. 15504% 15505Emacs, n: 15506 A slow-moving parody of a text editor. 15507% 15508Emersons' Law of Contrariness: 15509 Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do 15510 what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them 15511 for it. 15512% 15513Encyclopedia for sale by father. 15514Son knows everything. 15515% 15516Encyclopedia Salesmen: 15517 Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police 15518 and tell them your house is being burgled. 15519 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 15520% 15521Endless Loop: n. see Loop, Endless. 15522Loop, Endless: n. see Endless Loop. 15523 -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary 15524% 15525Endless the world's turn, endless the sun's spinning 15526Endless the quest; 15527I turn again, back to my own beginning, 15528And here, find rest. 15529% 15530Enemy -- SP (Suppressive Person) Order. Fair Game. May be deprived of 15531property or injured by any means by any Scientologist without any discipline 15532of the Scientologist. May be tricked, sued or lied to or destroyed. 15533 -- L. Ron Hubbard, "Fair Game Doctrine" 15534% 15535Engineering: "How will this work?" 15536Science: "Why will this work?" 15537Management: "When will this work?" 15538Liberal Arts: "Do you want fries with that?" 15539% 15540English literature's performing flea. 15541 -- Sean O'Casey on P.G. Wodehouse 15542% 15543Engram, n: 15544 1. The physical manifestation of human memory -- "the engram." 155452. A particular memory in physical form. [Usage note: this term is no longer 15546in common use. Prior to Wilson and Magruder's historic discovery, the nature 15547of the engram was a topic of intense speculation among neuroscientists, 15548psychologists, and even computer scientists. In 1994 Professors M. R. Wilson 15549and W. V. Magruder, both of Mount St. Coax University in Palo Alto, proved 15550conclusively that the mammalian brain is hardwired to interpret a set of 15551thirty seven genetically transmitted cooperating TECO macros. Human memory 15552was shown to reside in 1 million Q-registers as Huffman coded uppercase-only 15553ASCII strings. Interest in the engram has declined substantially since that 15554time.] 15555 -- New Century Unabridged English Dictionary, 15556 3rd edition, 2007 A.D. 15557% 15558enhance, v: 15559 To tamper with an image, usually to its detriment. 15560% 15561Enjoy your life; be pleasant and gay, like the birds in May. 15562% 15563Enjoy yourself while you're still old. 15564% 15565Entrepreneur, n: 15566 A high-rolling risk taker who would rather 15567 be a spectacular failure than a dismal success. 15568% 15569Entropy isn't what it used to be. 15570% 15571Entropy requires no maintenance. 15572 -- Markoff Chaney 15573% 15574Envy is a pain of mind that successful men cause their neighbors. 15575 -- Onasander 15576% 15577Envy, n: 15578 Wishing you'd been born with an unfair advantage, 15579 instead of having to try and acquire one. 15580% 15581Enzymes are things invented by biologists 15582that explain things which otherwise require harder thinking. 15583 -- Jerome Lettvin 15584% 15585Equal bytes for women. 15586% 15587Ere the cock crows thrice one of you will betray me. 15588 -- Early Jewish Resistance Leader 15589% 15590Ernest asks Frank how long he has been working for the company. 15591 "Ever since they threatened to fire me." 15592% 15593Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven 15594 Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben; 15595Und aller-mumsige Burggoven 15596 Dir mohmen Rath ausgraben. 15597% 15598Eschew obfuscation. 15599% 15600Established technology tends to persist in the face of new technology. 15601 -- G. Blaauw, one of the designers of System 360 15602% 15603E.T. GO HOME!!! (And take your Smurfs with you.) 15604% 15605Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. 15606 -- Woody Allen 15607% 15608Eternity is a terrible thought. I mean, where's it going to end? 15609 -- Tom Stoppard 15610% 15611Etiquette is for those with no breeding; 15612fashion for those with no taste. 15613% 15614Etymology, n: 15615 Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that 15616 were hard for the public to believe. The term 'etymology' was 15617 formed from the Latin 'etus' ("eaten"), the root 'mal' ("bad"), 15618 and 'logy' ("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are 15619 hard to swallow." 15620 -- Mike Kellen 15621% 15622Euch ist bekannt, was wir beduerfen; 15623Wir wollen stark Getraenke schluerfen. 15624 -- Goethe, "Faust" 15625% 15626Eudaemonic research proceeded with the casual mania peculiar to this part of 15627the world. Nude sunbathing on the back deck was combined with phone calls to 15628Advanced Kinetics in Costa Mesa, American Laser Systems in Goleta, Automation 15629Industries in Danbury, Connecticut, Arenberg Ultrasonics in Jamaica Plain, 15630Massachusetts, and Hewlett Packard in Sunnyvale, California, where Norman 15631Packard's cousin, David, presided as chairman of the board. The trick was to 15632make these calls at noon, in the hope that out-to-lunch executives would return 15633them at their own expense. Eudaemonic Enterprises, for all they knew, might be 15634a fast-growing computer company branching out of the Silicon Valley. Sniffing 15635the possibility of high-volume sales, these executives little suspected that 15636they were talking on the other end of the line to a naked physicist crazed 15637over roulette. 15638 -- Thomas Bass, "The Eudaemonic Pie" 15639% 15640Eureka! 15641 -- Archimedes 15642% 15643Even a blind pig stumbles upon a few acorns. 15644% 15645Even a cabbage may look at a king. 15646% 15647Even a hawk is an eagle among crows. 15648% 15649Even a man who is pure at heart, 15650And says his prayers at night 15651Can become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms, 15652And the moon is full and bright. 15653 -- The Wolf Man, 1941 15654% 15655Even God cannot change the past. 15656 -- Joseph Stalin 15657% 15658Even God lends a hand to honest boldness. 15659 -- Menander 15660% 15661Even if you do learn to speak correct 15662English, whom are you going to speak it to? 15663 -- Clarence Darrow 15664% 15665Even if you persuade me, you won't persuade me. 15666 -- Aristophanes 15667% 15668Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. 15669 -- Will Rogers 15670% 15671Even in the moment of our earliest kiss, 15672When sighed the straitened bud into the flower, 15673Sat the dry seed of most unwelcome this; 15674And that I knew, though not the day and hour. 15675Too season-wise am I, being country-bred, 15676To tilt at autumn or defy the frost: 15677Snuffing the chill even as my fathers did, 15678I say with them, "What's out tonight is lost." 15679I only hoped, with the mild hope of all 15680Who watch the leaf take shape upon the tree, 15681A fairer summer and a later fall 15682Than in these parts a man is apt to see, 15683And sunny clusters ripened for the wine: 15684I tell you this across the blackened vine. 15685 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay, "Even in the Moment of 15686 Our Earliest Kiss", 1931 15687% 15688Even moderation ought not to be practiced to excess. 15689% 15690Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling 15691just a bit unchivalrous... 15692 -- Robert Benchley 15693% 15694Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral. 15695 -- Kehlog Albran 15696% 15697Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral. 15698 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 15699% 15700Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United 15701States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only 2 cents a day. 15702% 15703Events are not affected, they develop. 15704 -- Sri Aurobindo 15705% 15706Ever feel like life was a game and you had the wrong instruction book? 15707% 15708Ever feel like you're the head pin on life's 15709bowling alley, and everyone's rolling strikes? 15710% 15711Ever get the feeling that the world's 15712on tape and one of the reels is missing? 15713 -- Rich Little 15714% 15715Ever notice that even the busiest people are 15716never too busy to tell you just how busy they are? 15717% 15718Ever notice that the word "therapist" breaks down into "the rapist"? 15719Simple coincidence? 15720Maybe... 15721% 15722Ever Onward! Ever Onward! 15723That's the sprit that has brought us fame. 15724We're big but bigger we will be, 15725We can't fail for all can see, that to serve humanity 15726Has been our aim. 15727Our products now are known in every zone. 15728Our reputation sparkles like a gem. 15729We've fought our way thru 15730And new fields we're sure to conquer, too 15731For the Ever Onward IBM! 15732 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook 15733% 15734Ever Onward! Ever Onward! 15735We're bound for the top to never fall, 15736Right here and now we thankfully 15737Pledge sincerest loyalty 15738To the corporation that's the best of all 15739Our leaders we revere and while we're here, 15740Let's show the world just what we think of them! 15741So let us sing men -- Sing men 15742Once or twice, then sing again 15743For the Ever Onward IBM! 15744 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook 15745% 15746Ever since I was a young boy, 15747I've hacked the ARPA net, 15748From Berkeley down to Rutgers, He's on my favorite terminal, 15749Any access I could get, He cats C right into foo, 15750But ain't seen nothing like him, His disciples lead him in, 15751On any campus yet, And he just breaks the root, 15752That deaf, dumb, and blind kid, Always has full SYS-PRIV's, 15753Sure sends a mean packet. Never uses lint, 15754 That deaf, dumb, and blind kid, 15755 Sure sends a mean packet. 15756He's a UNIX wizard, 15757There has to be a twist. 15758The UNIX wizard's got Ain't got no distractions, 15759Unlimited space on disk. Can't hear no whistles or bells, 15760How do you think he does it? Can't see no message flashing, 15761I don't know. Types by sense of smell, 15762What makes him so good? Those crazy little programs, 15763 The proper bit flags set, 15764 That deaf, dumb, and blind kid, 15765 Sure sends a mean packet. 15766 -- UNIX Wizard 15767% 15768Ever wonder if taxation without representation might have been cheaper? 15769% 15770Ever wonder why fire engines are red? 15771 15772Because newspapers are read too. 15773Two and Two is four. 15774Four and four is eight. 15775Eight and four is twelve. 15776There are twelve inches in a ruler. 15777Queen Mary was a ruler. 15778Queen Mary was a ship. 15779Ships sail the sea. 15780There are fishes in the sea. 15781Fishes have fins. 15782The Fins fought the Russians. 15783Russians are red. 15784Fire engines are always rush'n. 15785Therefore fire engines are red. 15786% 15787Ever wondered about the origins of the term "bugs" as applied to computer 15788technology? U.S. Navy Capt. Grace Murray Hopper has firsthand explanation. 15789The 74-year-old captain, who is still on active duty, was a pioneer in 15790computer technology during World War II. At the C.W. Post Center of Long 15791Island University, Hopper told a group of Long Island public school adminis- 15792trators that the first computer "bug" was a real bug--a moth. At Harvard 15793one August night in 1945, Hopper and her associates were working on the 15794"granddaddy" of modern computers, the Mark I. "Things were going badly; 15795there was something wrong in one of the circuits of the long glass-enclosed 15796computer," she said. "Finally, someone located the trouble spot and, using 15797ordinary tweezers, removed the problem, a two-inch moth. From then on, when 15798anything went wrong with a computer, we said it had bugs in it." Hopper 15799said that when the veracity of her story was questioned recently, "I referred 15800them to my 1945 log book, now in the collection of the Naval Surface Weapons 15801Center, and they found the remains of that moth taped to the page in 15802question." 15803 [actually, the term "bug" had even earlier usage in 15804 regard to problems with radio hardware. Ed.] 15805% 15806Everlasting peace will come to the world when the last man has slain 15807the last but one. 15808 -- Adolf Hitler 15809% 15810Every 4 seconds a woman has a baby. 15811Our problem is to find this woman and stop her. 15812% 15813Every cloud engenders not a storm. 15814 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 15815% 15816Every cloud has a silver lining; 15817you should have sold it, and bought titanium. 15818% 15819Every country has the government it deserves. 15820 -- Joseph De Maistre 15821% 15822Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt. 15823% 15824Every day it's the same thing -- variety. I want something different. 15825% 15826Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God. 15827 -- Lenny Bruce 15828% 15829Every dog has its day, but the nights belong to the pussycats. 15830% 15831Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired 15832signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not 15833fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not 15834spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the 15835genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not 15836a way of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it 15837is humanity hanging on a cross of iron. 15838 -- Dwight Eisenhower, 1953 15839% 15840Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own. 15841 -- Don Vonada 15842% 15843Every love's the love before 15844In a duller dress. 15845 -- Dorothy Parker, "Summary" 15846% 15847Every man is apt to form his notions of things difficult to be apprehended, 15848or less familiar, from their analogy to things which are more familiar. 15849Thus, if a man bred to the seafaring life, and accustomed to think and talk 15850only of matters relating to navigation, enters into discourse upon any other 15851subject; it is well known, that the language and the notions proper to his 15852own profession are infused into every subject, and all things are measured 15853by the rules of navigation: and if he should take it into his head to 15854philosophize concerning the faculties of the mind, it cannot be doubted, 15855but he would draw his notions from the fabric of the ship, and would find 15856in the mind, sails, masts, rudder, and compass. 15857 -- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764 15858% 15859Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse. 15860 -- Miguel de Cervantes 15861% 15862Every man takes the limits of his own field 15863of vision for the limits of the world. 15864 -- Schopenhauer 15865% 15866Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich 15867and powerful know that he is. 15868 -- Jean Anouilh, "The Lark" 15869% 15870Every man who has reached even his intellectual teens begins to suspect 15871that life is no farce; that it is not genteel comedy even; that it flowers 15872and fructifies on the contrary out of the profoundest tragic depths of the 15873essential death in which its subject's roots are plunged. The natural 15874inheritance of everyone who is capable of spiritual life is an unsubdued 15875forest where the wolf howls and the obscene bird of night chatters. 15876 -- Henry James Sr., writing to his sons Henry and William 15877% 15878Every man who is high up likes to think that he has done 15879it all himself, and the wife smiles and lets it go at that. 15880 -- Barrie 15881% 15882Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up. It knows it must run faster 15883than the fastest lion or it will be killed. Every morning a lion wakes up. 15884It knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death. 15885It doesn't matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle: when the sun comes 15886up, you'd better be running. 15887% 15888Every morning is a Smirnoff morning. 15889% 15890Every night my prayers I say, 15891 And get my dinner every day; 15892And every day that I've been good, 15893 I get an orange after food. 15894The child that is not clean and neat, 15895 With lots of toys and things to eat, 15896He is a naughty child, I'm sure-- 15897 Or else his dear papa is poor. 15898 -- Robert Louis Stevenson 15899% 15900Every one says that politicians lie all the time, and that just isn't so! 15901But you do have to understand body language to know when they're lying and 15902when they aren't. 15903 15904 When a politician rubs his nose, he isn't lying. 15905 When a politician tugs on his ear, he isn't lying. 15906 When a politician scratches his colar bone, he isn't lying. 15907 When his mouth starts moving, that's when he's lying! 15908% 15909Every paper published in a respectable journal should have a preface by 15910the author stating why he is publishing the article, and what value he 15911sees in it. I have no hope that this practice will ever be adopted. 15912 -- Morris Kline 15913% 15914Every path has its puddle. 15915% 15916Every person, all the events in your life are there because you have 15917drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you. 15918 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul 15919% 15920Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one 15921instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every program 15922can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work. 15923% 15924Every program has (at least) two purposes: 15925 the one for which it was written and another for which it wasn't. 15926% 15927Every silver lining has a cloud around it. 15928% 15929Every Solidarity center had piles and piles of paper ... everyone was 15930eating paper and a policeman was at the door. Now all you have to do is 15931bend a disk. 15932 -- A member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity, 15933 commenting on the benefits of using computers in support 15934 of their movement. 15935% 15936Every successful person has had failures 15937but repeated failure is no guarantee of eventual success. 15938% 15939Every suicide is a solution to a problem. 15940 -- Jean Baechler 15941% 15942Every time I look at you I am more convinced of Darwin's theory. 15943% 15944Every time I lose weight, it finds me again! 15945% 15946Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it. 15947% 15948Every time you manage to close the door on 15949Reality, it comes in through the window. 15950% 15951Every why hath a wherefore. 15952 -- William Shakespeare, "A Comedy of Errors" 15953% 15954Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness. 15955 -- Beckett 15956% 15957Every young man should have a hobby: learning how to handle money is 15958the best one. 15959 -- Jack Hurley 15960% 15961Everybody but Sam had signed up for a new company pension plan that 15962called for a small employee contribution. The company was paying all 15963the rest. Unfortunately, 100% employee participation was needed; 15964otherwise the plan was off. Sam's boss and his fellow workers pleaded 15965and cajoled, but to no avail. Sam said the plan would never pay off. 15966Finally the company president called Sam into his office. 15967 "Sam," he said, "here's a copy of the new pension plan and here's 15968a pen. I want you to sign the papers. I'm sorry, but if you don't sign, 15969you're fired. As of right now." 15970 Sam signed the papers immediately. 15971 "Now," said the president, "would you mind telling me why you 15972couldn't have signed earlier?" 15973 "Well, sir," replied Sam, "nobody explained it to me quite so 15974clearly before." 15975% 15976Everybody has something to conceal. 15977 -- Humphrey Bogart 15978% 15979Everybody is given the same amount of hormones, at birth, and 15980if you want to use yours for growing hair, that's fine with me. 15981% 15982Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. 15983 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 15984% 15985Everybody knows that the dice are loaded. Everybody rolls with their 15986fingers crossed. Everybody knows the war is over. Everybody knows the 15987good guys lost. Everybody knows the fight was fixed: the poor stay 15988poor, the rich get rich. That's how it goes. Everybody knows. 15989 15990Everybody knows that the boat is leaking. Everybody knows the captain 15991lied. Everybody got this broken feeling like their father or their dog 15992just died. 15993 15994Everybody talking to their pockets. Everybody wants a box of chocolates 15995and long stem rose. Everybody knows. 15996 15997Everybody knows that you love me, baby. Everybody knows that you really 15998do. Everybody knows that you've been faithful, give or take a night or 15999two. Everybody knows you've been discreet, but there were so many people 16000you just had to meet without your clothes. And everybody knows. 16001 16002And everybody knows it's now or never. Everybody knows that it's me or you. 16003And everybody knows that you live forever when you've done a line or two. 16004Everybody knows the deal is rotten: Old Black Joe's still pickin' cotton 16005for you ribbons and bows. And everybody knows. 16006 -- Leonard Cohen, "Everybody Knows" 16007% 16008Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money. 16009 -- Arthur Miller 16010% 16011Everybody needs a little love sometime; 16012stop hacking and fall in love! 16013% 16014Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. 16015% 16016Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had 16017to be taught how not to. So it is with the great programmers. 16018% 16019Everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgement. 16020% 16021Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid. 16022% 16023Everyone is entitled to my opinion. 16024% 16025Everyone is in the best seat. 16026 -- John Cage 16027% 16028Everyone is more or less mad on one point. 16029 -- Rudyard Kipling 16030% 16031Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic 16032formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the 16033scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact 16034wholly unconcerned with what DOES exist. Indeed, the banality of 16035existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us 16036to discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking 16037the problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: 16038the mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were 16039all, one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely 16040different way... 16041% 16042Everyone wants results, but no one is willing to do what it takes 16043to get them. 16044 -- Dirty Harry 16045% 16046Everyone was born right-handed. 16047Only the greatest overcome it. 16048% 16049Everyone who comes in here wants three things: 16050 1. They want it quick. 16051 2. They want it good. 16052 3. They want it cheap. 16053I tell 'em to pick two and call me back. 16054 -- sign on the back wall of a small printing company 16055% 16056Everyone's in a high place when you're on your knees. 16057% 16058Everything bows to success, even grammar. 16059% 16060Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous". 16061% 16062Everything ends badly. Otherwise it wouldn't end. 16063% 16064Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening. 16065 -- Alexander Woollcott 16066% 16067Everything in this book may be wrong. 16068 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul 16069% 16070Everything is controlled by a small evil group 16071to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs. 16072% 16073Everything is possible. Pass the word. 16074 -- Rita Mae Brown, "Six of One" 16075% 16076Everything might be different in the present 16077if only one thing had been different in the past. 16078% 16079Everything should be built top-down, except the first time. 16080% 16081Everything should be built top-down, except this time. 16082% 16083Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler. 16084 -- Albert Einstein 16085% 16086Everything takes longer, costs more, and is less useful. 16087 -- Erwin Tomash 16088% 16089Everything that can be invented has been invented. 16090 -- Charles Duell, Director of U.S. Patent Office, 1899 16091% 16092Everything that you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out. 16093% 16094Everything will be just tickety-boo today. 16095% 16096Everything you know is wrong! 16097% 16098Everything you read in newspapers is absolutely true, except for that 16099rare story of which you happen to have first-hand knowledge. 16100 -- Erwin Knoll 16101% 16102Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less 16103obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no 16104solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid. 16105There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no 16106straight lines. 16107 -- R. Buckminster Fuller 16108% 16109Everything's great in this good old world; 16110(This is the stuff they can always use.) 16111God's in his heaven, the hill's dew-pearled; 16112(This will provide for baby's shoes.) 16113Hunger and War do not mean a thing; 16114Everything's rosy where'er we roam; 16115Hark, how the little birds gaily sing! 16116(This is what fetches the bacon home.) 16117 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Far Sighted Muse" 16118% 16119Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My 16120opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller 16121that could have been prevented by a good teacher. 16122 -- Flannery O'Connor 16123% 16124Everywhere you go you'll see them searching, 16125Everywhere you turn you'll feel the pain, 16126Everyone is looking for the answer, 16127Well look again. 16128 -- Moody Blues, "Lost in a Lost World" 16129% 16130Evil is that which one believes of others. It is a sin to believe evil 16131of others, but it is seldom a mistake. 16132 -- H.L. Mencken 16133% 16134Evolution is a million line computer 16135program falling into place by accident. 16136% 16137Evolution is as much a fact as the earth turning on its axis and going around 16138the sun. At one time this was called the Copernican theory; but, when 16139evidence for a theory becomes so overwhelming that no informed person can 16140doubt it, it is customary for scientists to call it a fact. That all present 16141life descended from earlier forms, over vast stretches of geologic time, is 16142as firmly established as Copernican cosmology. Biologists differ only with 16143respect to theories about how the process operates. 16144 -- Martin Gardner, "Irving Kristol and the Facts of Life". 16145% 16146Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for even 16147the greatest fool may ask more than the wisest man can answer. 16148 -- C.C. Colton 16149% 16150Example is not the main thing in influencing others. 16151It is the only thing. 16152 -- Albert Schweitzer 16153% 16154Excellent day for drinking heavily. 16155Spike the office water cooler. 16156% 16157Excellent day to have a rotten day. 16158% 16159Excellent time to become a missing person. 16160% 16161Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget. 16162 -- Miller 16163% 16164Excerpt from a conversation between a customer support person and a 16165customer working for a well-known military-affiliated research lab: 16166 16167Support: "You're not our only customer, you know." 16168Customer: "But we're one of the few with tactical nuclear weapons." 16169% 16170Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from 16171acquiring the deadening effect of a habit. 16172 -- W. Somerset Maugham 16173% 16174Excessive login messages is a sure sign of senility. 16175% 16176Execute every act of thy life as though it were thy last. 16177 -- Marcus Aurelius 16178% 16179Executive ability is prominent in your make-up. 16180% 16181Exercise caution in your daily affairs. 16182% 16183Exhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you, 16184and just before you realize what is wrong with it. 16185% 16186Expansion means complexity; and complexity decay. 16187% 16188Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you. 16189% 16190Expect the worst, it's the least you can do. 16191% 16192Expedience is the best teacher. 16193% 16194Expense accounts, n: 16195 Corporate food stamps. 16196% 16197Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills. 16198 -- Minna Antrim, "Naked Truth and Veiled Allusions" 16199% 16200Experience is not what happens to you; 16201it is what you do with what happens to you. 16202 -- Aldous Huxley 16203% 16204Experience is that marvelous thing that enables 16205you recognize a mistake when you make it again. 16206 -- Franklin Jones 16207% 16208Experience is the worst teacher. It always 16209gives the test first and the instruction afterward. 16210% 16211Experience is what causes a person 16212to make new mistakes instead of old ones. 16213% 16214Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted. 16215% 16216Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else. 16217% 16218Experience, n: 16219 Something you don't get until just after you need it. 16220 -- Olivier 16221% 16222Experience teaches you that the man who looks you straight in the eye, 16223particularly if he adds a firm handshake, is hiding something. 16224 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Enter Conversing" 16225% 16226Experience varies directly with equipment ruined. 16227% 16228Experiments must be reproducible; they should all fail in the same way. 16229% 16230External Security: 16231% 16232Extraordinary claims demand extraordinary proof. There are many examples 16233of outsiders who eventually overthrew entrenched scientific orthodoxies, 16234but they prevailed with irrefutable data. More often, egregious findings 16235that contradict well-established research turn out to be artifacts. I have 16236argued that accepting psychic powers, reincarnation, "cosmic consciousness," 16237and the like, would entail fundamental revisions of the foundations of 16238neuroscience. Before abandoning materialist theories of mind that have paid 16239handsome dividends, we should insist on better evidence for psi phenomena 16240than presently exists, especially when neurology and psychology themselves 16241offer more plausible alternatives. 16242 -- Barry L. Beyerstein, "The Brain and Consciousness: 16243 Implications for Psi Phenomena". 16244% 16245Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly. 16246 -- William Shakespeare, "The Rape of Lucrece" 16247% 16248Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice... moderation in the pursuit 16249of justice is no virtue. 16250 -- Barry Goldwater 16251% 16252f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd. 16253% 16254f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng. 16255% 16256F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm! 16257% 16258f u cn rd ths, u r prbbly a lsy spllr. 16259% 16260FACILITY REJECTED 100044200000; 16261% 16262Factorials were someone's attempt to make math LOOK exciting. 16263% 16264Facts, apart from their relationships, are like labels on empty bottles. 16265 -- Sven Italla 16266% 16267Facts are the enemy of truth. 16268 -- Don Quixote 16269% 16270Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored. 16271 -- Aldous Huxley 16272% 16273Failed Attempts To Break Records 16274 In September 1978 Mr. Terry Gripton, of Stafford, failed to break 16275the world shouting record by two and a half decibels. "I am not surprised 16276he failed," his wife said afterwards. "He's really a very quiet man and 16277doesn't even shout at me." 16278 In August of the same year Mr. Paul Anthony failed to break the 16279record for continuous organ playing by 387 hours. 16280 His attempt at the Golden Fish Fry Restaurant in Manchester ended 16281after 36 hours 10 minutes, when he was accused of disturbing the peace. 16282"People complained I was too noisy," he said. 16283 In January 1976 Mr. Barry McQueen failed to walk backwards across 16284the Menai Bridge playing the bagpipes. "It was raining heavily and my 16285drone got waterlogged," he said. 16286 A TV cameraman thwarted Mr. Bob Specas' attempt to topple 100,000 16287dominoes at the Manhattan Center, New York on 9 June 1978. 97,500 dominoes 16288had been set up when he dropped his press badge and set them off. 16289 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 16290% 16291Failure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital. 16292% 16293Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall. 16294 -- Sir Walter Raleigh 16295% 16296Fairy tale: 16297 A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers. 16298% 16299Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door. 16300% 16301Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam 16302on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move. 16303% 16304Faith is under the left nipple. 16305 -- Martin Luther 16306% 16307Faith, n: 16308 That quality which enables us to 16309 believe what we know to be untrue. 16310% 16311Fakir, n: 16312 A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost 16313 religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources 16314 seem to have shinnied up a rope and vanished. 16315% 16316Falling in Love 16317 When two people have been on enough dates, they generally fall in 16318love. You can tell you're in love by the way you feel: your head becomes 16319light, your heart leaps within you, you feel like you're walking on air, 16320and the whole world seems like a wonderful and happy place. Unfortunately, 16321these are also the four warning signs of colon disease, so it's always a 16322good idea to check with your doctor. 16323 -- Dave Barry 16324% 16325Falling in love is a lot like dying. 16326You never get to do it enough to become good at it. 16327% 16328Falling in love makes smoking pot all day look like the ultimate in 16329restraint. 16330 -- Dave Sim, author of "Cerebus". 16331% 16332Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident; 16333the only earthly certainty is oblivion. 16334 -- Mark Twain 16335% 16336Fame lost its appeal for me when I went into a public restroom and an 16337autograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the stall door. 16338 -- Marlo Thomas 16339% 16340Fame may be fleeting but obscurity is forever. 16341% 16342Familiarity breeds attempt. 16343% 16344Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children. 16345 -- Mark Twain 16346% 16347Families, when a child is born 16348Want it to be intelligent. 16349I, through intelligence, 16350Having wrecked my whole life, 16351Only hope the baby will prove 16352Ignorant and stupid. 16353Then he will crown a tranquil life 16354By becoming a Cabinet Minister 16355 -- Su Tung-p'o 16356% 16357Famous last words: 16358% 16359Famous last words: 16360 1: Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix. 16361 2: Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there. 16362 3: What happens if you touch these two wires tog... 16363 4: We won't need reservations. 16364 5: It's always sunny there this time of the year. 16365 6: Don't worry, it's not loaded. 16366 7: They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager. 16367 8: Don't worry! Women love it! 16368% 16369Fanaticism consists of redoubling your effort when you have 16370forgotten your aim. 16371 -- George Santayana 16372% 16373"Fantasies are free." 16374"NO!! NO!! It's the thought police!!!!" 16375% 16376Far back in the mists of ancient time, in the great and glorious days of the 16377former Galactic Empire, life was wild, rich and largely tax free. 16378 16379Mighty starships plied their way between exotic suns, seeking adventure and 16380reward among the furthest reaches of Galactic space. In those days, spirits 16381were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women 16382and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures 16383from Alpha Centauri. And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty 16384deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before -- and thus 16385was the Empire forged. 16386 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 16387% 16388Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth. 16389% 16390Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western 16391Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this 16392at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an utterly 16393insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are 16394so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty 16395neat idea. 16396 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 16397% 16398Farmers in the Iowa State survey rated machinery breakdowns more 16399stressful than divorce. 16400 -- Wall Street Journal 16401% 16402Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter 16403it every six months. 16404 -- Oscar Wilde 16405% 16406Fashions have done more harm than revolutions. 16407 -- Victor Hugo 16408% 16409Fast, cheap, good: pick two. 16410% 16411Fast ship? You mean you've never heard of the Millennium Falcon? 16412 -- Han Solo 16413% 16414Faster, faster, you fool, you fool! 16415 -- Bill Cosby 16416% 16417Fat Liberation: because a waist is a terrible thing to mind. 16418% 16419Fat people of the world unite, we've got nothing to lose! 16420% 16421Father: Son, it's time we talked about sex. 16422Son: Sure, Dad, what do you want to know? 16423% 16424Fats Loves Madelyn. 16425% 16426Fay: The British police force used to be run by men of integrity. 16427Truscott: That is a mistake which has been rectified. 16428 -- Joe Orton, "Loot" 16429% 16430FEAR: 16431 What you feel when you see a U-Haul with Texas license plates. 16432% 16433Fear and loathing, my man, fear and loathing. 16434 -- H.S. Thompson 16435% 16436Fear is the greatest salesman. 16437 -- Robert Klein 16438% 16439feature, n: 16440 A surprising property of a program. Occasionally documented. To 16441 call a property a feature sometimes means the author did not 16442 consider that case, and the program makes an unexpected, though 16443 not necessarily wrong response. See BUG. "That's not a bug, it's 16444 a feature!" A bug can be changed to a feature by documenting it. 16445% 16446Federal grants are offered for... research into the recreation 16447potential of interplanetary space travel for the culturally 16448disadvantaged. 16449% 16450Feel disillusioned? 16451I've got some great new illusions, right here! 16452% 16453Feeling amorous, she looked under the sheets and cried, "Oh, no, 16454it's Microsoft!" 16455% 16456Felix Catus is your taxonomic nomenclature, 16457An endothermic quadruped, carnivorous by nature. 16458Your visual, olfactory, and auditory senses 16459Contribute to your hunting skills and natural defenses. 16460I find myself intrigued by your sub-vocal oscillations, 16461A singular development of cat communications 16462That obviates your basic hedonistic predilection 16463For a rhythmic stroking of your fur to demonstrate affection. 16464A tail is quite essential for your acrobatic talents: 16465You would not be so agile if you lacked its counterbalance; 16466And when not being utilised to aid in locomotion, 16467It often serves to illustrate the state of your emotion. 16468Oh Spot, the complex levels of behavior you display 16469Connote a fairly well-developed cognitive array. 16470And though you are not sentient, Spot, and do not comprehend, 16471I nonetheless consider you a true and valued friend. 16472 -- Lt. Cmdr. Data, "An Ode to Spot" 16473% 16474Fellow programmer, greetings! You are reading a letter which will bring 16475you luck and good fortune. Just mail (or UUCP) ten copies of this letter 16476to ten of your friends. Before you make the copies, send a chip or 16477other bit of hardware, and 100 lines of 'C' code to the first person on the 16478list given at the bottom of this letter. Then delete their name and add 16479yours to the bottom of the list. 16480 16481Don't break the chain! Make the copy within 48 hours. Gerald R. of San 16482Diego failed to send out his ten copies and woke the next morning to find 16483his job description changed to "COBOL programmer." Fred A. of New York sent 16484out his ten copies and within a month had enough hardware and software to 16485build a Cray dedicated to playing Zork. Martha H. of Chicago laughed at 16486this letter and broke the chain. Shortly thereafter, a fire broke out in 16487her terminal and she now spends her days writing documentation for IBM PC's. 16488 16489Don't break the chain! Send out your ten copies today! 16490% 16491Female rabbits: 16492 The gift that just "keeps on giving." 16493% 16494FENDERBERG: 16495 The large glacial deposits that form on the insides 16496 of car fenders during snowstorms. 16497 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 16498% 16499Ferguson's Precept: 16500 A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the whole thing." 16501% 16502Fertility is hereditary. If your parents 16503didn't have any children, neither will you. 16504% 16505Fess: Well, you must admit there is something innately humorous about 16506 a man chasing an invention of his own halfway across the galaxy. 16507Rod: Oh yeah, it's a million yuks, sure. But after all, isn't that the 16508 basic difference between robots and humans? 16509Fess: What, the ability to form imaginary constructs? 16510Rod: No, the ability to get hung up on them. 16511 -- Christopher Stasheff, "The Warlock in Spite of Himself" 16512% 16513Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. 16514 -- Mark Twain 16515% 16516Fidelity, n: 16517 A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed. 16518% 16519Fifteen men on a dead man's chest, 16520Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum! 16521Drink and the devil had done for the rest, 16522Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum! 16523 -- Stevenson, "Treasure Island" 16524% 16525Fifth Law of Applied Terror: 16526 If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. 16527Corollary: 16528 If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live. 16529% 16530File cabinet: 16531 A four drawer, manually activated trash compactor. 16532% 16533filibuster, n: 16534 Throwing your wait around. 16535% 16536Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches. 16537 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth 16538% 16539Finagle's Creed: 16540 Science is true. Don't be misled by facts. 16541% 16542Finagle's Eighth Law: 16543 If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. 16544 16545Finagle's Ninth Law: 16546 No matter what results are expected, 16547 someone is always willing to fake it. 16548 16549Finagle's Tenth Law: 16550 No matter what the result someone 16551 is always eager to misinterpret it. 16552 16553Finagle's Eleventh Law: 16554 No matter what occurs, someone believes 16555 it happened according to his pet theory. 16556% 16557Finagle's First Law: 16558 To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start. 16559 16560Finagle's Second Law: 16561 Always keep a record of data -- it indicates you've been working. 16562 16563Finagle's Fourth Law: 16564 Once a job is fouled up, 16565 anything done to improve it only makes it worse. 16566 16567Finagle's Fifth Law: 16568 Always draw your curves, then plot your readings. 16569 16570Finagle's Sixth Law: 16571 Don't believe in miracles -- rely on them. 16572% 16573Finagle's Seventh Law: 16574 The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum. 16575% 16576Finagle's Third Law: 16577 In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, 16578 beyond all need of checking, is the mistake. 16579 16580Corollaries: 16581 1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it. 16582 2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really 16583 don't want to hear, will see it immediately. 16584% 16585Finality is death. 16586Perfection is finality. 16587Nothing is perfect. 16588There are lumps in it. 16589% 16590Fine day for friends. 16591So-so day for you. 16592% 16593Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can. 16594% 16595Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy. 16596% 16597Finster's Law: 16598A closed mouth gathers no feet. 16599% 16600First Law of Bicycling: 16601 No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind. 16602% 16603First law of debate: 16604 Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference. 16605% 16606First Law of Procrastination: 16607 Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility 16608 for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who 16609 imposed the deadline). 16610 16611Fifth Law of Procrastination: 16612 Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that 16613 there is nothing important to do. 16614% 16615First Law of Socio-Genetics: 16616 Celibacy is not hereditary. 16617% 16618First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity, no really 16619self-respecting woman would take advantage of it. 16620 -- George Bernard Shaw, "John Bull's Other Island" 16621% 16622First Rule of History: 16623 History doesn't repeat itself -- 16624 historians merely repeat each other. 16625% 16626First rule of public speaking. 16627 First, tell 'em what you're goin' to tell 'em; 16628 then tell 'em; 16629 then tell 'em what you've tole 'em. 16630% 16631First there was Dial-A-Prayer, then Dial-A-Recipe, and even Dial-A-Footballer. 16632But the south-east Victorian town of Sale has produced one to top them all. 16633Dial-A-Wombat. 16634 It all began early yesterday when Sale police received a telephone 16635call: "You won't believe this, and I'm not drunk, but there's a wombat in the 16636phone booth outside the town hall," the caller said. 16637 Not firmly convinced about the caller's claim to sobriety, members of 16638the constabulary drove to the scene, expecting to pick up a drunk. 16639 But there it was, an annoyed wombat, trapped in a telephone booth. 16640 The wombat, determined not to be had the better of again, threw its 16641bulk into the fray. It was eventually lassoed and released in a nearby scrub. 16642 Then the officers received another message ... another wombat in 16643another phone booth. 16644 There it was: *Another* angry wombat trapped in a telephone booth. 16645 The constables took the miffed marsupial into temporary custody and 16646released it, too, in the scrub. 16647 But on their way back to the station they happened to pass another 16648telephone booth, and -- you guessed it -- another imprisoned wombat. 16649 After some serious detective work, the lads in blue found a suspect, 16650and after questioning, released him to be charged on summons. 16651 Their problem ... they cannot find a law against placing wombats in 16652telephone booths. 16653 -- "Newcastle Morning Herald", WSW Australia, Aug 1980. 16654% 16655"First World" nations are the ones where people drive Japanese cars; 16656"Second World" nations are where First World residents go on vacation; 16657and "Third World" nations are the ones where people still dive out of 16658trees to prove their manhood. 16659 -- Dave Barry 16660% 16661Fishbowl, n: 16662 A glass-enclosed isolation cell where newly 16663 promoted managers are kept for observation. 16664% 16665Fishing, with me, has always been an excuse to drink in the daytime. 16666 -- Jimmy Cannon 16667% 16668Five bicycles make a volkswagen, seven make a truck. 16669 -- Adolfo Guzman 16670% 16671Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity. 16672 -- Robert Firth 16673% 16674Five names that I can hardly stand to hear, 16675Including yours and mine and one more chimp who isn't here, 16676I can see the ladies talking how the times is gettin' hard, 16677And that fearsome excavation on Magnolia boulevard, 16678Yes, I'm goin' insane, 16679And I'm laughing at the frozen rain, 16680Well, I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home? 16681 Bad sneakers and a pina colada my friend, 16682 Stopping on the avenue by Radio City, with a 16683 Transistor and a large sum of money to spend... 16684You fellah, you tearin' up the street, 16685You wear that white tuxedo, how you gonna beat the heat, 16686Do you take me for a fool, do you think that I don't see, 16687That ditch out in the Valley that they're diggin' just for me, 16688Yes, and goin' insane, 16689You know I'm laughin' at the frozen rain, 16690Feel like I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home? 16691(chorus) 16692 -- Bad Sneakers, "Steely Dan" 16693% 16694Five people -- an Englishman, Russian, American, Frenchman and Irishman 16695were each asked to write a book on elephants. Some amount of time later they 16696had all completed their respective books. The Englishman's book was entitled 16697"The Elephant -- How to Collect Them", the Russian's "The Elephant -- Vol. I", 16698the American's "The Elephant -- How to Make Money from Them", the Frenchman's 16699"The Elephant -- Its Mating Habits" and the Irishman's "The Elephant and 16700Irish Political History". 16701% 16702Five rules for eternal misery: 16703 1) Always try to exhort others to look upon you favorably. 16704 2) Make lots of assumptions about situations and be sure to 16705 treat these assumptions as though they are reality. 16706 3) Then treat each new situation as though it's a crisis. 16707 4) Live in the past and future only (become obsessed with 16708 how much better things might have been or how much worse 16709 things might become). 16710 5) Occasionally stomp on yourself for being so stupid as to 16711 follow the first four rules. 16712% 16713Flame on! 16714 -- Johnny Storm 16715% 16716FLANNISTER: 16717 The plastic yoke that holds a six-pack of beer together. 16718 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 16719% 16720FLASH! 16721Intelligence of mankind decreasing. 16722Details at ... uh, when the little hand is on the .... 16723% 16724Flattery is like cologne -- to be smelled, but not swallowed. 16725 -- Josh Billings 16726% 16727Flattery will get you everywhere. 16728% 16729Flee at once, all is discovered. 16730% 16731Flirting is the gentle art of making a man feel pleased with himself. 16732 -- Helen Rowland 16733% 16734Flon's Law: 16735 There is not now, and never will be, a language in 16736 which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs. 16737% 16738flowchart, n. & v. 16739 [From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart 16740 "a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."] 16741 1. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni 16742 construction problems in which given algorithms require geometrical 16743 representation using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI 16744 template. 2. n. Neronic doodling while the system burns. 16745 3. n. A low-cost substitute for wallpaper. 4. n. The innumerate 16746 misleading the illiterate. "A thousand pictures is worth ten lines 16747 of code." --The Programmer's Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps. 16748 5. v.intrans. To produce flowcharts with no particular object in mind. 16749 6. v.trans. To obfuscate (a problem) with esoteric cartoons. 16750 -- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 16751% 16752Flugg's Law: 16753 When you need to knock on wood is when you realize 16754 that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum. 16755% 16756Fly me away to the bright side of the moon ... 16757% 16758Flying is the second greatest feeling you can have. The greatest feeling? 16759Landing... Landing is the greatest feeling you can have. 16760% 16761Fog Lamps, n: 16762 Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the fronts 16763 of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the 16764 driver's brain is in a fog. See also "Idiot Lights". 16765% 16766"Follow me around. I don't care. I'm serious. If anybody wants to put a 16767tail on me, go ahead. They'd be very bored." 16768 -- Gary Hart, announcing his presidential candidacy, 16769 commenting on rumors of womanizing. 16770% 16771Foolproof Operation: 16772 No provision for adjustment. 16773% 16774Fools rush in -- and get the best seats in the house. 16775% 16776Football builds self-discipline. What else would induce 16777a spectator to sit out in the open in subfreezing weather? 16778% 16779Football combines the two worst features of American life. 16780It is violence punctuated by committee meetings. 16781 -- George F. Will, "Men At Work: The Craft of Baseball" 16782% 16783Football is a game designed to keep coalminers off the streets. 16784 -- Jimmy Breslin 16785% 16786For a holy stint, a moth of the cloth gave up his woolens for lint. 16787% 16788For a light heart lives long. 16789 -- Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost" 16790% 16791For adult education nothing beats children. 16792% 16793For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, 16794since it must afterwards be always old-fashioned. 16795% 16796For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex. 16797 -- Gore Vidal 16798% 16799For children with short attention spans: boomerangs that don't come back. 16800% 16801For courage mounteth with occasion. 16802 -- William Shakespeare, "King John" 16803% 16804For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. 16805 -- Harrison 16806% 16807For every bloke who makes his mark, 16808there's half a dozen waiting to rub it out. 16809 -- Andy Capp 16810% 16811For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill. 16812 -- R. Clopton 16813% 16814For every human problem, there is a neat, 16815plain solution -- and it is always wrong. 16816 -- H.L. Mencken 16817% 16818For example, if \thinmskip = 3mu, this makes \thickmskip = 6mu. But if 16819you also want to use \skip12 for horizontal glue, whether in math mode or 16820not, the amount of skipping will be in points (e.g., 6pt). The rule is 16821that glue in math mode varies with the size only when it is an \mskip; 16822when moving between an mskipand ordinary skip, the conversion factor 168231mu=1pt is always used. The meaning of '\mskip\skip12' and 16824'\baselineskip=\the\thickmskip' should be clear. 16825 -- Donald Knuth, TeX 82 -- Comparison with TeX80 16826% 16827For fast-acting relief, try slowing down. 16828% 16829For flavor, instant sex will never supercede the stuff you have to peel 16830and cook. 16831 -- Quentin Crisp 16832% 16833For fools rush in where angels fear to tread. 16834 -- Alexander Pope 16835% 16836For gin, in cruel 16837Sober truth, 16838Supplies the fuel 16839For flaming youth. 16840 -- Noel Coward 16841% 16842For God's sake, stop researching for a while and begin to think! 16843% 16844For good, return good. 16845For evil, return justice. 16846% 16847For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do. 16848 -- Paul of Tarsus, (Saint Paul) 16849% 16850For I swore I would stay a year away from her; out and alas! 16851but with break of day I went to make supplication. 16852 -- Paulus Silentarius, c. 540 A.D. 16853% 16854For if there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in 16855despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the 16856implacable grandeur of this life. 16857 -- Albert Camus 16858% 16859For knighthood is not in the feats of war, 16860As for to fight in quarrel right or wrong, 16861But in a cause which truth cannot defer: 16862He ought himself for to make sure and strong, 16863Just to keep mixt with mercy among: 16864And no quarrel a knight ought to take 16865But for a truth, or for the common's sake. 16866 -- Stephen Hawes 16867% 16868For men use, if they have an evil turn, to write it in marble: 16869and whoso doth us a good turn we write it in dust. 16870 -- Sir Thomas More 16871% 16872For most men life is a search for the proper manila envelope in which to 16873get themselves filed. 16874 -- Clifton Fadiman 16875% 16876For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in 16877the same room and let them fight it out. 16878 -- Stephen Wright 16879% 16880For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I 16881put them in the same room and let them fight it out. 16882 -- Steven Wright 16883% 16884For myself, I can only say that I am astonished and somewhat terrified at 16885the results of this evening's experiments. Astonished at the wonderful 16886power you have developed, and terrified at the thought that so much hideous 16887and bad music may be put on record forever. 16888 -- Sir Arthur Sullivan, message to Edison, 1888 16889% 16890For people who like that kind of book, 16891that is the kind of book they will like. 16892% 16893FOR SALE: 16894 Parachute. Used once. 16895 Never opened. Slightly Stained. 16896% 16897For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say 16898"Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something. 16899 -- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to the U.S. 16900% 16901For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz. 16902% 16903For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the 16904massive jobs of a thousand years ago. Why not, then, the 16905last step of doing away with computers altogether?" 16906 -- Jehan Shuman 16907% 16908For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels, 16909each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall 16910was a gate. 16911 -- J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Return of the King" 16912 16913 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 16914 referring to system overview.] 16915 16916% 16917For the first time we have a weapon that nobody has used for thirty years. 16918This gives me great hope for the human race. 16919 -- Harlan Ellison 16920% 16921For the next hour, WE will control all that you see and hear. 16922% 16923For thee the wonder-working earth puts forth sweet flowers. 16924 -- Titus Lucretius Carus 16925% 16926For there are moments when one can neither think nor feel. And if one can 16927neither think nor feel, she thought, where is one? 16928 -- Virginia Woolf, "To the Lighthouse" 16929 16930 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 16931 referring to powerfail recovery.] 16932% 16933For they starve the frightened little child 16934Till it weeps both night and day: 16935And they scourge the weak, and flog the fool, 16936And gibe the old and grey, 16937And some grow mad, and all grow bad, 16938And none a word may say. 16939 16940Each narrow cell in which we dwell 16941Is a foul and dark latrine, 16942And the fetid breath of living Death 16943Chokes up each grated screen, 16944And all, but Lust, is turned to dust 16945In Humanity's machine. 16946 16947And all men kill the thing they love, 16948By all let this be heard, 16949Some do it with a bitter look, 16950Some with a flattering word, 16951The coward does it with a kiss, 16952The brave man with a sword. 16953 -- Oscar Wilde 16954% 16955For thirty years a certain man went to spend every evening with Mme. ___. 16956When his wife died his friends believed he would marry her, and urged 16957him to do so. "No, no," he said: "if I did, where should I have to 16958spend my evenings?" 16959 -- Chamfort 16960% 16961For those of you who have been unfortunate enough to never have tasted the 16962'Great Chieftain O' the Pudden Race' (i.e. haggis) here is an easy to follow 16963recipe which results in a dish remarkably similar to the above mentioned 16964protected species. 16965 Ingredients: 16966 1 Sheep's Pluck (heart, lungs, liver) and bag 16967 2 teacupsful toasted oatmeal 16968 1 teaspoonful salt 16969 8 oz. shredded suet 16970 2 small onions 16971 1/2 teaspoonful black pepper 16972 16973 Scrape and clean bag in cold, then warm, water. Soak in salt water 16974overnight. Wash pluck, then boil for 2 hours with windpipe draining over 16975the side of pot. Retain 1 pint of stock. Cut off windpipe, remove surplus 16976gristle, chop or mince heart and lungs, and grate best part of liver (about 16977half only). Parboil and chop onions, mix all together with oatmeal, suet, 16978salt, pepper and stock to moisten. Pack the mixture into bag, allowing for 16979swelling. Boil for three hours, pricking regularly all over. If bag not 16980available, steam in greased basin covered by greaseproof paper and cloth for 16981four to five hours. 16982% 16983For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like. 16984 -- Abraham Lincoln 16985% 16986For three days after death hair and fingernails 16987continue to grow, but phone calls taper off. 16988 -- Johnny Carson 16989% 16990For years a secret shame destroyed my peace-- 16991I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece. 16992But now I think a thought that brings me hope: 16993Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope. 16994 -- Justin Richardson. 16995% 16996Force has no place where there is need of skill. 16997 -- Herodotus 16998% 16999"Force is but might," the teacher said-- 17000"That definition's just." 17001The boy said naught but thought instead, 17002Remembering his pounded head: 17003"Force is not might but must!" 17004% 17005Force it!!! 17006If it breaks, well, it wasn't working anyway... 17007No, don't force it, get a bigger hammer. 17008% 17009FORCE YOURSELF TO RELAX! 17010% 17011Forecast, n: 17012 A prediction of the future, based on the past, for 17013 which the forecaster demands payment in the present. 17014% 17015Forest fires cause Smokey Bears. 17016% 17017Forgetfulness, n: 17018 A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for 17019 their destitution of conscience. 17020% 17021Forgive and forget. 17022 -- Cervantes 17023% 17024Forgive him, 17025for he believes that the customs of his tribe are the laws of nature! 17026 -- G.B. Shaw 17027% 17028Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee 17029And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me. 17030 -- Robert Frost 17031% 17032Forgive your enemies, but don't forget their names. 17033 -- John F. Kennedy 17034% 17035Forsan et haec olim meminisse juvabit. 17036% 17037FORTH IF HONK THEN 17038% 17039FORTRAN is a good example of a language 17040which is easier to parse using ad hoc techniques. 17041 -- D. Gries 17042 [What's good about it? Ed.] 17043% 17044FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies. 17045% 17046FORTRAN is not a flower but a weed -- it is hardy, 17047occasionally blooms, and grows in every computer. 17048 -- A.J. Perlis 17049% 17050FORTRAN is the language of Powerful Computers. 17051 -- Steven Feiner 17052% 17053FORTRAN rots the brain. 17054 -- John McQuillin 17055% 17056FORTRAN, "the infantile disorder", by now nearly 20 years old, is hopelessly 17057inadequate for whatever computer application you have in mind today: it is 17058too clumsy, too risky, and too expensive to use. 17059 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 17060% 17061FORTRAN, "the infantile disorder", by now nearly 20 years old, is 17062hopelessly inadequate for whatever computer application you have 17063in mind today: it is now too clumsy, too risky, and too expensive 17064to use. 17065 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 17066% 17067[FORTRAN] will persist for some time -- 17068probably for at least the next decade. 17069 -- T. Cheatham 17070% 17071Fortunate is he for whom the belle toils. 17072% 17073Fortunately, the responsibility for providing evidence is on the part of 17074the person making the claim, not the critic. It is not the responsibility 17075of UFO skeptics to prove that a UFO has never existed, nor is it the 17076responsibility of paranormal-health-claims skeptics to prove that crystals 17077or colored lights never healed anyone. The skeptic's role is to point out 17078claims that are not adequately supported by acceptable evidence and to 17079provide plausible alternative explanations that are more in keeping with 17080the accepted body of scientific evidence. 17081 -- Thomas L. Creed, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII, 17082 No. 2, pg. 215 17083% 17084Fortune and love befriend the bold. 17085 -- Ovid 17086% 17087FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #3 17088 17089Q: Why haven't you graduated yet? 17090A: Well, Dad, I could have finished years ago, but I wanted 17091 my dissertation to rhyme. 17092% 17093FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #8 17094 17095Q: Is God a myth? 17096A: No, He's a mythter. 17097% 17098fortune: cannot execute. Out of cookies. 17099% 17100FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #14 17101 17102Low Blows: 17103 Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One 17104of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee. That must 17105hurt." The man doubles over and actually FEELS the pain. 17106 17107Dressing Up: 17108 A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the 17109garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up 17110for: weddings, funerals. Speaking of weddings, when reminiscing about 17111weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men laugh about "the bachelor 17112party". 17113 17114David Letterman: 17115 Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the 17116Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad 17117haircut. 17118% 17119FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #16 17120 17121Relationships: 17122 First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -- he 17123refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular 17124basis". 17125 When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to 17126her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then 17127she will get on with her life. 17128 A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the 17129breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just 17130wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I 17131hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's 17132always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" 17133drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have made at least once. There are 17134community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, 17135these classes rarely prove effective. 17136% 17137FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #17 17138 17139Shoes: 17140 The average man has 4 pairs of footwear: running shoes, dress shoes, 17141boots, and slippers. The average woman has shoes 4 layers thick on the floor 17142of her closet. Most of them hurt her feet. 17143 17144Making friends: 17145 A woman will meet another woman with common interests, do a few things 17146together, and say something like, "I hope we can be good friends." 17147 A man will meet another man with common interests, do a few things 17148together, and say nothing. After years of interacting with this other man, 17149sharing hopes and fears that he wouldn't confide in his priest or 17150psychiatrist, he'll finally let down his guard in a fit of drunken 17151sentimentality and say something like, "You know, for someone who's such a 17152jerk, I guess you're OK." 17153% 17154FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #2 17155 17156Desserts: 17157 A woman will generally admire an ornate dessert for the artistic 17158work it is, praising its creator and waiting a suitable interval before 17159she reluctantly takes a small sliver off one edge. A man will start by 17160grabbing the cherry in the center. 17161 17162Car repair: 17163 The average man thinks his Y chromosome contains complete repair 17164manuals for every car made since World War II. He will work on a problem 17165himself until it either goes away or turns into something that "can't be 17166fixed without special tools". 17167 The average woman thinks "that funny thump-thump noise" is an 17168accurate description of an automotive problem. She will, however, have the 17169car serviced at the proper intervals and thereby incur fewer problems than 17170the average man. 17171% 17172FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #4 17173 17174Weddings: 17175 When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". 17176Men talk about "the bachelor party". 17177 17178Clothes: 17179 Men don't discard clothes. The average man still has the gym shirt 17180he wore in high school. He thinks a jacket is "just getting broken in" about 17181the time it develops holes in the elbows. A man will let new shirts sit on 17182the shelf in their original packaging for a couple of years before putting 17183them to use, hoping they'll become more comfortable with age. 17184 Women think clothes are radioactive, with a half-life of one year. 17185They exercise precautions to avoid contamination by last year's fashions. 17186% 17187FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #5 17188 17189Trust: 17190 The average woman would really like to be told if her mate is fooling 17191around behind her back. This same woman wouldn't tell her best friend if 17192she knew the best friends' mate was having an affair. She'll tell all her 17193OTHER friends, however. The average man won't say anything if he knows that 17194one of his friend's mates is fooling around, and he'd rather not know if 17195his mate is having an affair either, out of fear that it might be with one 17196of his friends. He will tell all his friends about his own affairs, though, 17197so they can be ready if he needs an alibi. 17198 17199Driving: 17200 17201 A typical man thinks he's Mario Andretti as soon as he slips behind 17202the wheel of his car. The fact that it's an 8-year-old Honda doesn't keep 17203him from trying to out-accelerate the guy in the Porsche who's attempting 17204to cut him off; freeway on-ramps are exciting challenges to see who has The 17205Right Stuff on the morning commute. Does he or doesn't he? Only his body 17206shop knows for sure. Insurance companies understand this behavior, and 17207price their policies accordingly. 17208 A woman will slow down to let a car merge in front of her, and get 17209rear-ended by another woman who was busy adding the finishing touches to 17210her makeup. 17211% 17212FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #6 17213 17214Bathrooms: 17215 A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, toothpaste, 17216shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. 17217The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man 17218would not be able to identify most of these items. 17219 17220Groceries: 17221 A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store 17222and buys these things. A man waits 'til the only items left in his fridge 17223are half a lime and a Blue Ribbon. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys 17224everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, 17225his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. 17226Of course, this will not stop him from entering the 10-items-or-less lane. 17227% 17228FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #8 17229 17230Going Out: 17231 When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go 17232out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready 17233to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup, 17234checks on the kids, makes a phone call to her best friend... 17235 17236Cats: 17237 Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't 17238looking, men kick cats. 17239 17240Offspring: 17241 Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows 17242about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends 17243and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. Men are vaguely 17244aware of some short people living in the house. 17245% 17246FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #9 17247 17248Laundry: 17249 Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article 17250of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight 17251years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, 17252he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain 17253of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at 17254the laundromat. This is a myth. 17255 17256Nicknames: 17257 If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, 17258they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if 17259Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately 17260refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless. 17261 17262Socks: 17263 Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. 17264Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures 17265of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back. 17266% 17267FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #10 17268 17269CARTABLANCA: 17270 Bogart stars as the owner of a north african nightclub that sells 17271 only Mexican beer. Of course, this policy gets him into no end of 17272 trouble with the local French authorities who would really prefer 17273 wine and the occupying Germans who believe that only their beer is 17274 fit to be sold. Wacky events ensue until the gripping climax in 17275 which the much-hated German beer distributor is drowned in a vat. 17276% 17277FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #11 17278 17279MONOPOLI: 17280 Peter Weir's classic film examining the false heroism of parlour 17281 games. The powerful ending of the film sees one young man after 17282 another charge toward GO, only to senselessly lose his life on the 17283 Boardwalk property. 17284% 17285FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #12 17286 17287O.E.D.: David Lean, 1969, 3 hours 30 min. 17288 17289 Lean's version of the Oxford Dictionary has been accused of 17290 shallowness in its treatment of a complete work. Omar Sharif 17291 tends to overact as aardvark, but Alec Guiness is solid in 17292 the role of abbacy. As usual, the photography is stunning. 17293 With Julie Christie. 17294% 17295FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #3 17296 17297MIRACLE ON 42ND STREET: 17298 Santa Claus, in the off season, follows his heart's desire and 17299 tries to make it big on Broadway. Santa sings and dances his way 17300 into your heart. 17301% 17302FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #4 17303 17304WITLESS: 17305 Peter Weir directs Sylvester Stallone in the most challenging role 17306 of his career. Stallone plays a Philadelphia police officer on the 17307 run from corrupt officials. He is wounded and then nursed back to 17308 health by Amish Mennonites. Fearful that they might unwittingly 17309 reveal his hiding place, he blows them all away. 17310% 17311FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #5 17312 17313THE ATOMIC GRANDMOTHER: 17314 This humorous but heart-warming story tells of an elderly woman 17315 forced to work at a nuclear power plant in order to help the family 17316 make ends meet. At night, granny sits on the porch, tells tales 17317 of her colorful past, and the family uses her to cook barbecues 17318 and to power small electrical appliances. Maureen Stapleton gives 17319 a glowing performance. 17320% 17321FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #6 17322 17323RAZORBACK: Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min. 17324 One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's, 17325 and arguably the best movie ever made about a large, 17326 man-eating hog. Some violence. With Gregory Harrison. 17327% 17328FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #7 17329 17330OUT OF "OUT OF AFRICA": 17331 This film is a compilation of selected news clips depicting audiences 17332 frantically pushing and shoving to get out of theatres where "Out of 17333 Africa" is showing. Many people are trampled to death in the frenzy. 17334 Due to its violence and offensive language, not recommended for 17335 younger viewers. 17336% 17337FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #8 17338 17339THE SMURFS AND THE CUISINART (1986) 17340 The lovable little blue Smurfs encounter a lovable little kitchen 17341 appliance, which invites them to play. The Smurfs learn a valuable 17342 (if sometimes fatal) lesson. 17343 17344THE SMURFS AND THE CARBON-DIOXIDE INDUSTRIAL LASER (1987) 17345 The inevitable sequel. The lovable and somewhat mangled surviving 17346 Smurfs team up with the Care Bears to encounter a cute, lovable piece 17347 of high-tech welding equipment, which teaches them the magic of 17348 becoming rather greasy smoke. Heartwarming fun for the entire family. 17349% 17350FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #9 17351 17352THE PARKING PROBLEM IN PARIS: Jean-Luc Godard, 1971, 7 hours 18 min. 17353 17354 Godard's meditation on the topic has been described as 17355 everything from "timeless" to "endless." (Remade by Gene 17356 Wilder as NO PLACE TO PARK.) 17357% 17358Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: 17359 17360It is a rule of evidence deduced from the experience of mankind and 17361supported by reason and authority that positive testimony is entitled to 17362more weight than negative testimony, but by the latter term is meant 17363negative testimony in its true sense and not positive evidence of a 17364negative, because testimony in support of a negative may be as positive 17365as that in support of an affirmative. 17366 -- 254 Pac. Rep. 472. 17367% 17368Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: 17369 17370We can imagine no reason why, with ordinary care, human toes could not be 17371left out of chewing tobacco, and if toes are found in chewing tobacco, it 17372seems to us that someone has been very careless. 17373 -- 78 So. 365. 17374% 17375Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: 17376 17377We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch" 17378may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine 17379species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used when applied to a female 17380of the human race. Coming as it did, reasonably close on the heels of two 17381revolver shots directed at the person of whom it was probably used, we think 17382it carries every reasonable implication of ill-will toward that person. 17383 -- Smith v. Moran, 193 N.E. 2d 466. 17384% 17385FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #1 17386 17387skilled oral communicator: 17388 Mumbles inaudibly when attempting to speak. Talks to self. 17389 Argues with self. Loses these arguments. 17390 17391skilled written communicator: 17392 Scribbles well. Memos are invariable illegible, except for 17393 the portions that attribute recent failures to someone else. 17394 17395growth potential: 17396 With proper guidance, periodic counselling, and remedial training, 17397 the reviewee may, given enough time and close supervision, meet 17398 the minimum requirements expected of him by the company. 17399 17400key company figure: 17401 Serves as the perfect counter example. 17402% 17403FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #4 17404 17405consistent: 17406 Reviewee hasn't gotten anything right yet, and it is anticipated 17407 that this pattern will continue throughout the coming year. 17408 17409an excellent sounding board: 17410 Present reviewee with any number of alternatives, and implement 17411 them in the order precisely opposite of his/her specification. 17412 17413a planner and organizer: 17414 Usually manages to put on socks before shoes. Can match the 17415 animal tags on his clothing. 17416% 17417FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #9 17418 17419has management potential: 17420 Because of his intimate relationship with inanimate objects, the 17421 reviewee has been appointed to the critical position of department 17422 pencil monitor. 17423 17424inspirational: 17425 A true inspiration to others. ("There, but for the grace of God, 17426 go I.") 17427 17428adapts to stress: 17429 Passes wind, water, or out depending upon the severity of the 17430 situation. 17431 17432goal oriented: 17433 Continually sets low goals for himself, and usually fails 17434 to meet them. 17435% 17436Fortune favors the lucky. 17437% 17438Fortune finishes the great quotations, #12 17439 17440 Those who can, do. Those who can't, write the instructions. 17441% 17442Fortune finishes the great quotations, #15 17443 17444 "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses." 17445 And while you're at it, throw in a couple of those Dallas 17446 Cowboy cheerleaders. 17447% 17448Fortune finishes the great quotations, #17 17449 17450 "This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath, 17451 May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet." 17452 Juliet, this bud's for you. 17453% 17454Fortune finishes the great quotations, #2 17455 17456 If at first you don't succeed, think how many people 17457 you've made happy. 17458% 17459Fortune finishes the great quotations, #21 17460 17461 Shall I compare thee to a Summer day? 17462 No, I guess not. 17463% 17464Fortune finishes the great quotations, #3 17465 17466 Birds of a feather flock to a newly washed car. 17467% 17468Fortune finishes the great quotations, #6 17469 17470 "But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?" 17471 It's nothing, honey. Go back to sleep. 17472% 17473Fortune finishes the great quotations, #9 17474 17475 A word to the wise is often enough to start an argument. 17476% 17477fortune: No such file or directory 17478% 17479fortune: not found 17480% 17481Fortune presents: 17482 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #1. 17483 17484^Cu vi parolas angle? Do you speak English? 17485Mi ne komprenas. I don't understand. 17486Vi estas la sola esperantisto kiun mi You're the only Esperanto speaker 17487 renkontas. I've met. 17488La ^ceko estas enpo^stigita. The check is in the mail. 17489Oni ne povas, ^gin netrovi. You can't miss it. 17490Mi nur rigardadas. I'm just looking around. 17491Nu, ^sajnis bona ideo. Well, it seemed like a good idea. 17492% 17493Fortune presents: 17494 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #2. 17495 17496^Cu tiu loko estas okupita? Is this seat taken? 17497^Cu vi ofte venas ^ci-tien? Do you come here often? 17498^Cu mi povas havi via telelonnumeron? May I have your phone number? 17499Mi estas komputilisto. I work with computers. 17500Mi legas multe da scienca fikcio. I read a lot of science fiction. 17501^Cu necesas ke vi eliras? Do you really have to be going? 17502% 17503Fortune presents: 17504 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #5. 17505 17506Mi ^cevalovipus vin se mi havus I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse. 17507 ^cevalon. 17508Vere vi ^sercas. You must be kidding. 17509Nu, parDOOOOOnu min! Well exCUUUUUSE me! 17510Kiu invitis vin? Who invited you? 17511Kion vi diris pri mia patrino? What did you say about my mother? 17512Bu^so^stopu min per kulero. Gag me with a spoon. 17513% 17514FORTUNE PRESENTS FAMOUS LAST WORDS: #4 17515 17516Socrates: I DRANK WHAT!?!? 17517Tarzan: Who greased the grape viiiiiiiiiiiinnnneee........ 17518Al Capone: There's a violin in my violin case! 17519Pilot, TWA Fl. #343: What's a mountain goat doing 'way up here? 17520% 17521FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #13 17522 17523A: Doc, Happy, Bashful, Dopey, Sneezy, Sleepy, & Grumpy 17524Q: Who were the Democratic presidential candidates? 17525% 17526FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #15 17527 17528A: The Royal Canadian Mounted Police. 17529Q: What was the greatest achievement in taxidermy? 17530% 17531FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #19 17532 17533A: To be or not to be. 17534Q: What is the square root of 4b^2? 17535% 17536FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #21 17537 17538A: Dr. Livingston I. Presume. 17539Q: What's Dr. Presume's full name? 17540% 17541FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #31 17542 17543A: Chicken Teriyaki. 17544Q: What is the name of the world's oldest kamikaze pilot? 17545% 17546FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #4 17547 17548A: Go west, young man, go west! 17549Q: What do wabbits do when they get tiwed of wunning awound? 17550% 17551FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #5 17552 17553A: The Halls of Montezuma and the Shores of Tripoli. 17554Q: Name two families whose kids won't join the Marines. 17555% 17556FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #5 17557 17558 "And, and, and, and, but, but, but, but!" 17559 -- Mrs. Janice Markowsky, April 8, 1965 17560% 17561FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #6 17562 17563 "Johnny, if you fall and break your leg, don't come running to me!" 17564 -- Mrs. Emily Barstow, June 16, 1954 17565% 17566Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands! 17567 17568Try: 17569 ar t "God" 17570 drink < bottle; opener (Bourne Shell) 17571 cat "food in tin cans" (all but 4.[23]BSD) 17572 Hey UNIX! Got a match? (V6 or C shell) 17573 mkdir matter; cat > matter (Bourne Shell) 17574 rm God 17575 man: Why did you get a divorce? (C shell) 17576 date me (anything up to 4.3BSD) 17577 make "heads or tails of all this" 17578 who is smart 17579 (C shell) 17580 If I had a ) for every dollar of the national debt, what would I have? 17581 sleep with me (anything up to 4.3BSD) 17582% 17583Fortune's current rates: 17584 17585 Answers .10 17586 Long answers .25 17587 Answers requiring thought .50 17588 Correct answers $1.00 17589 17590 Dumb looks are still free. 17591% 17592Fortune's diet truths: 175931: Forget what the cookbooks say, plain yogurt tastes nothing like sour cream. 175942: Any recipe calling for soybeans tastes like mud. 175953: Carob is not an acceptable substitute for chocolate. In fact, carob is not 17596 an acceptable substitute for anything, except, perhaps, brown shoe polish. 175974: There is no such thing as a "fun salad." So let's stop pretending and see 17598 salads for what they are: God's punishment for being fat. 175995: Fruit salad without maraschino cherries and marshmallows is about as 17600 appealing as tepid beer. 176016: A world lacking gravy is a tragic place! 176027: You should immediately pass up any recipes entitled "luscious and 17603 low-cal." Also skip dishes featuring "lively liver." They aren't and 17604 it isn't. 176058: Wearing a blindfold often makes many diet foods more palatable. 176069: Fresh fruit is not dessert. CAKE is dessert! 1760710: Okra tastes slightly worse than its name implies. 1760811: A plain baked potato isn't worth the effort involved in chewing and 17609 swallowing. 17610% 17611Fortune's Exercising Truths: 17612 176131: Richard Simmons gets paid to exercise like a lunatic. You don't. 176142. Aerobic exercises stimulate and speed up the heart. So do heart attacks. 176153. Exercising around small children can scar them emotionally for life. 176164. Sweating like a pig and gasping for breath is not refreshing. 176175. No matter what anyone tells you, isometric exercises cannot be done 17618 quietly at your desk at work. People will suspect manic tendencies as 17619 you twitter around in your chair. 176206. Next to burying bones, the thing a dog enjoys most is tripping joggers. 176217. Locking four people in a tiny, cement-walled room so they can run around 17622 for an hour smashing a little rubber ball -- and each other -- with a hard 17623 racket should immediately be recognized for what it is: a form of insanity. 176248. Fifty push-ups, followed by thirty sit-ups, followed by ten chin-ups, 17625 followed by one throw-up. 176269. Any activity that can't be done while smoking should be avoided. 17627% 17628FORTUNE'S FAVORITE RECIPES: #8 17629 Christmas Rum Cake 17630 176311 or 2 quarts rum 1 tbsp. baking powder 176321 cup butter 1 tsp. soda 176331 tsp. sugar 1 tbsp. lemon juice 176342 large eggs 2 cups brown sugar 176352 cups dried assorted fruit 3 cups chopped English walnuts 17636 17637Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now 17638select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again. It 17639must be just right. Be sure the rum is of the highest quality. Pour one cup 17640of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. With an electric 17641mixer, beat one cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of tugar 17642and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure the rum teh absolutely highest quality. 17643Sample another cup. Open second quart as necessary. Add 2 orge laggs, 2 cups 17644of fried druit and beat untill high. If the fried druit gets stuck in the 17645beaters, just pry it loose with a screwdriver. Sample the rum again, checking 17646for toncisticity. Next sift 3 cups of baking powder, a pinch of rum, a 17647seaspoon of toda and a cup of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter). 17648Sample some more. Sift 912 pint of lemon juice. Fold in schopped butter and 17649strained chups. Add bablespoon of brown gugar, or whatever color you have. 17650Mix mell. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees and rake until 17651poothtick comes out crean. 17652% 17653FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1 17654 A guinea pig is not from Guinea but a rodent from South America. 17655 A firefly is not a fly, but a beetle. 17656 A giant panda bear is really a member of the raccoon family. 17657 A black panther is really a leopard that has a solid black coat 17658 rather than a spotted one. 17659 Peanuts are not really nuts. The majority of nuts grow on trees 17660 while peanuts grow underground. They are classified as a 17661 legume-part of the pea family. 17662 A cucumber is not a vegetable but a fruit. 17663% 17664FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14 17665 The Baby Ruth candy bar was not named after George Herman "The Babe" 17666Ruth, but after the oldest daughter of President Grover Cleveland. 17667% 17668FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #37 17669 Can you name the seven seas? 17670 Antartic, Artic, North Atlantic, South Atlantic, Indian, 17671 North Pacific, South Pacific. 17672 Can you name the seven dwarfs from Snow White? 17673 Doc, Dopey, Sneezy, Happy, Grumpy, Sleepy and Bashful. 17674% 17675FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #44 17676 Zebra's are colored with dark stripes on a light background. 17677% 17678FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #108 17679 17680In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless 17681there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red 17682flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians. 17683% 17684FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14 17685 According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath 17686at least once a year. 17687% 17688FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #16 17689 17690The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas River 17691can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock. 17692% 17693FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #19 17694 A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in 17695his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and exceptional 17696ability in that particular field." 17697% 17698FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1 17699 17700In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own 17701at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public. 17702% 17703FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #2 17704 Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa. 17705% 17706FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #3 17707 A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the 17708movies insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the 17709right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them. 17710% 17711FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #8 17712 17713 Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart 17714a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds. 17715% 17716Fortune's Great Moments in History: #3 17717 17718August 27, 1949: 17719 A Hall of Fame opened to honor outstanding members of the 17720 Women's Air Corp. It was a WAC's Museum. 17721% 17722FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #14 17723What to do... 17724 if reality disappears? 17725 Hope this one doesn't happen to you. There isn't much that you 17726 can do about it. It will probably be quite unpleasant. 17727 17728 if you meet an older version of yourself who has invented a time 17729 traveling machine, and has come from the future to meet you? 17730 Play this one by the book. Ask about the stock market and cash in. 17731 Don't forget to invent a time traveling machine and visit your 17732 younger self before you die, or you will create a paradox. If you 17733 expect this to be tricky, make sure to ask for the principles 17734 behind time travel, and possibly schematics. Never, NEVER, ask 17735 when you'll die, or if you'll marry your current SO. 17736% 17737FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #2 17738What to do... 17739 if you get a phone call from Mars: 17740 Speak slowly and be sure to enunciate your words properly. Limit 17741 your vocabulary to simple words. Try to determine if you are 17742 speaking to someone in a leadership capacity, or an ordinary citizen. 17743 17744 if he, she or it doesn't speak English? 17745 Hang up. There's no sense in trying to learn Martian over the phone. 17746 If your Martian really had something important to say to you, he, she 17747 or it would have taken the trouble to learn the language before 17748 calling. 17749 17750 if you get a phone call from Jupiter? 17751 Explain to your caller, politely but firmly, that being from Jupiter, 17752 he, she or it is not "life as we know it". Try to terminate the 17753 conversation as soon as possible. It will not profit you, and the 17754 charges may have been reversed. 17755% 17756FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #6 17757What to do... 17758 if a starship, equipped with an FTL hyperdrive lands in your backyard? 17759 First of all, do not run after your camera. You will not have any 17760 film, and, given the state of computer animation, noone will believe 17761 you anyway. Be polite. Remember, if they have an FTL hyperdrive, 17762 they can probably vaporize you, should they find you to be rude. 17763 Direct them to the White House lawn, which is where they probably 17764 wanted to land, anyway. A good road map should help. 17765 17766 if you wake up in the middle of the night, and discover that your 17767 closet contains an alternate dimension? 17768 Don't walk in. You almost certainly will not be able to get back, 17769 and alternate dimensions are almost never any fun. Remain calm 17770 and go back to bed. Close the door first, so that the cat does not 17771 wander off. Check your closet in the morning. If it still contains 17772 an alternate dimension, nail it shut. 17773% 17774Fortune's Guide to Freshman Notetaking: 17775 17776WHEN THE PROFESSOR SAYS: YOU WRITE: 17777 17778Probably the greatest quality of the poetry John Milton -- born 1608 17779of John Milton, who was born in 1608, is the 17780combination of beauty and power. Few have 17781excelled him in the use of the English language, 17782or for that matter, in lucidity of verse form, 17783'Paradise Lost' being said to be the greatest 17784single poem ever written." 17785 17786Current historians have come to Most of the problems that now 17787doubt the complete advantageousness face the United States are 17788of some of Roosevelt's policies... directly traceable to the 17789 bungling and greed of President 17790 Roosevelt. 17791 17792... it is possible that we simply do Professor Mitchell is a 17793not understand the Russian viewpoint... communist. 17794% 17795Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful Morals 17796goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan. During an impassioned 17797House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and clam research," a 17798sharp-eared informant transcribed the following exchange between our hero 17799and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan. 17800 17801Dingell: "There are places in the world at the present time where we are 17802 having to artificially propagate oysters and clams." 17803Hoffman: "You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters?" 17804Dingell: "They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter is 17805 that female oysters through their living habits cast out large 17806 amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large amounts of 17807 fertilization." 17808Hoffman: "Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many 17809 teenagers who read The Congressional Record." 17810% 17811FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS: #14 17812 17813 Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to 17814your good liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert 17815and light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything 17816drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck. 17817% 17818Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #2 17819 17820Given the incredible advances in sociocybernetics and telepsychology over 17821the last few years, we are now able to completely understand everything that 17822the author of an memo is trying to say. Thanks to modern developments 17823in electrocommunications like notes, vnews, and electricity, we have an 17824incredible level of interunderstanding the likes of which civilization has 17825never known. Thus, the possibility of your misinterpreting someone else's 17826memo is practically nil. Knowing this, anyone who accuses you of having 17827done so is a liar, and should be treated accordingly. If you *do* understand 17828the memo in question, but have absolutely nothing of substance to say, then 17829you have an excellent opportunity for a vicious ad hominem attack. In fact, 17830the only *inappropriate* times for an ad hominem attack are as follows: 17831 17832 1: When you agree completely with the author of an memo. 17833 2: When the author of the original memo is much bigger than you are. 17834 3: When replying to one of your own memos. 17835% 17836FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #2 17837 17838 Never goose a wolverine. 17839% 17840FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #23 17841 17842 Don't cut off a police car when making an illegal U-turn. 17843% 17844Forty isn't old, if you're a tree. 17845% 17846Four be the things I am wiser to know: 17847Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe. 17848 17849Four be the things I'd been better without: 17850Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt. 17851 17852Three be the things I shall never attain: 17853Envy, content, and sufficient champagne. 17854 17855Three be the things I shall have till I die: 17856Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye. 17857 -- Inventory 17858% 17859Four be the things I'd been better without: 17860Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt. 17861-- Dorothy Parker, "Not So Deep as a Well" 17862% 17863Four fifths of the perjury in the world is expended on 17864tombstones, women and competitors. 17865 -- Lord Thomas Dewar 17866% 17867Four hours to bury the cat? 17868Yes, damn thing wouldn't keep still, kept mucking about, 'owling... 17869% 17870Fourteen years in the professor dodge has taught me that one can argue 17871ingeniously on behalf of any theory, applied to any piece of literature. 17872This is rarely harmful, because normally no-one reads such essays. 17873 -- Robert Parker, quoted in "Murder Ink", ed. D. Wynn 17874% 17875Fourth Law of Applied Terror: 17876 The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology 17877 instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. 17878 17879Corollary: 17880 Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except 17881 study for that instructor's course. 17882% 17883Fourth Law of Revision: 17884 It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about 17885 interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one 17886 for you. 17887% 17888Frankly, Scarlett, I don't have a fix. 17889 -- Rhett Buggler 17890% 17891Fraud is the homage that force pays to reason. 17892 -- Charles Curtis, "A Commonplace Book" 17893% 17894Free Speech Is The Right To Shout 'Theater' In A Crowded Fire. 17895 -- A Yippie Proverb 17896% 17897Freedom begins when you tell Mrs. Grundy to go fly a kite. 17898% 17899Freedom from incrustation of grime is contiguous to rectitude. 17900% 17901Freedom is nothing else but the chance to do better. 17902 -- Camus 17903% 17904Freedom is slavery. 17905Ignorance is strength. 17906War is peace. 17907 -- George Orwell 17908% 17909Freedom of the press is for those who happen to own one. 17910% 17911Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose. 17912 -- Kris Kristofferson, "Me and Bobby McGee" 17913% 17914Fremen add life to spice! 17915% 17916Fresco's Discovery: 17917 If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored. 17918% 17919Friction is a drag. 17920% 17921Fried's 1st Rule: 17922 Increased automation of clerical function 17923 invariably results in increased operational costs. 17924% 17925Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. 17926 -- Thomas Jones 17927% 17928Friends, n: 17929 People who borrow your books and set wet glasses on them. 17930 17931 People who know you well, but like you anyway. 17932% 17933Friends, Romans, Hipsters, 17934Let me clue you in; 17935I come to put down Caeser, not to groove him. 17936The square kicks some cats are on stay with them; 17937The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caeser. 17938The cool Brutus gave you the message: Caeser had big eyes; 17939If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea, 17940And, like, old Caeser really set them straight. 17941Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a 17942 real cool cat; 17943So are they all, all cool cats, -- 17944Come I to make this gig at Caeser's laying down. 17945% 17946Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority 17947over the other. 17948 -- Honore de Balzac 17949% 17950Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, 17951your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. 17952% 17953From 0 to "what seems to be the problem officer" in 8.3 seconds. 17954 -- Ad for the new VW Corrado 17955% 17956From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back. 17957That is the point that must be reached. 17958 -- F. Kafka 17959% 17960From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance. 17961% 17962From the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first. 17963 -- Bertolt Brecht 17964% 17965From the crystal swirling waters, 17966Of the Rio Amazon, 17967To the sacred halls of Bayonne, 17968Where we stand pajamas on. (It's the only thing that rhymes.) 17969From ev'ry hallowed venue, 17970Ev'ry forest, mount and vale, 17971Your butt is on the menu 17972And the check is in the mail. 17973 -- The Piranha Club Anthem, to the tune of "De Camptown Races" 17974% 17975From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was 17976convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. 17977 -- Groucho Marx 17978% 17979From too much love of living, 17980From hope and fear set free, 17981We thank with brief thanskgiving, 17982Whatever gods may be, 17983That no life lives forever, 17984That dead men rise up never, 17985That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea. 17986 -- Swinburne 17987% 17988F.S. Fitzgerald to Hemingway: 17989 "Ernest, the rich are different from us." 17990Hemingway: 17991 "Yes. They have more money." 17992% 17993Fudd's First Law of Opposition: 17994 Push something hard enough and it will fall over. 17995% 17996Fun experiments: 17997 Get a can of shaving cream, throw it in a freezer for about a week. 17998 Then take it out, peel the metal off and put it where you want... 17999 bedroom, car, etc. As it thaws, it expands an unbelievable amount. 18000% 18001Fun Facts, #14: 18002 In table tennis, whoever gets 21 points first wins. That's how 18003 it once was in baseball -- whoever got 21 runs first won. 18004% 18005Fun Facts, #63: 18006 The name California was given to the state by Spanish conquistadores. 18007 It was the name of an imaginary island, a paradise on earth, in the 18008 Spanish romance, "Les Serges de Esplandian", written by Montalvo in 18009 1510. 18010% 18011Function reject. 18012% 18013Fundamentally, there may be no basis for anything. 18014% 18015FURBLING: 18016 Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank 18017 even when you are the only person in line. 18018 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 18019% 18020furbling, v: 18021 Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank 18022 even when you are the only person in line. 18023 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 18024% 18025Furious activity is no substitute for understanding. 18026 -- H.H. Williams 18027% 18028Furthermore, if we send something by car, it's a shipment... 18029but if we send it by ship, it's cargo. 18030% 18031Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening. 18032% 18033Gaiety is the most outstanding feature of the Soviet Union. 18034 -- Joseph Stalin 18035% 18036Galbraith's Law of Human Nature: 18037 Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that 18038there is no need to do so, almost everybody gets busy on the proof. 18039% 18040Garbage In - Gospel Out. 18041% 18042Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall on 18043our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!! 18044 -- Adventures of Asterix 18045% 18046Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep". 18047 18048Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound than the 18049harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference: 18050 "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling." 18051Obvious, isn't it? 18052 Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start 18053speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as 18054long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all 18055your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and 18056so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed 18057individuals and then grow.... 18058 Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those 18059signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when 18060everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on 18061the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs 18062backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? 18063I think not, my friend, I think not. 18064 -- Arthur Naiman 18065% 18066GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) 18067 A day to take the initiative. Put the garbage out, for 18068 instance, and pick up the stuff at the dry cleaners. Watch 18069 the mail carefully, although there won't be anything good 18070 in it today, either. 18071% 18072GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20) 18073 Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while you 18074 can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy praise 18075 and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker. A short 18076 trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room. 18077% 18078GENDERPLEX: 18079 The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to 18080 determine his or her designated restroom (e.g. turtles and tortoises). 18081 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 18082% 18083genderplex, n: 18084 The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to 18085 determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and 18086 tortoises). 18087 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 18088% 18089GENEALOGY: 18090 An account of one's descent from an ancestor 18091 who did not particularly care to trace his own. 18092 -- Ambrose Bierce 18093% 18094General notions are generally wrong. 18095 -- Lady M.W. Montagu 18096% 18097Generally speaking, the Way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death. 18098 -- Miyamoto Musashi, 1645 18099% 18100Generic Fortune. 18101% 18102Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals. 18103% 18104Genetics explains why you look like your father, 18105and if you don't, why you should. 18106% 18107GENIUS: 18108 A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with bright. 18109% 18110GENIUS: 18111 Person clever enough to be born in the right place at the right 18112 time of the right sex and to follow up this advantage by saying 18113 all the right things to all the right people. 18114% 18115Genius does what it must, and Talent does what it can. 18116 -- Owen Meredith 18117% 18118Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration. 18119 -- Thomas Alva Edison 18120% 18121Genius is pain. 18122 -- John Lennon 18123% 18124Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains. 18125% 18126Genius is the talent of a person who is dead. 18127% 18128Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped. 18129 -- Elbert Hubbard 18130% 18131genius, n: 18132 A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with 18133 "bright". 18134% 18135genlock, n: 18136 Why he stays in the bottle. 18137% 18138Gentlemen, 18139 Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach 18140to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying 18141with your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship from London to Lisbon and 18142thence by dispatch to our headquarters. 18143 We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all 18144manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me accountable. 18145I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every officer. 18146Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable 18147exceptions for which I beg your indulgence. 18148 Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted 18149for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been a hideous 18150confusion as to the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry 18151regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness 18152may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are war with France, 18153a fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall. 18154 This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of 18155my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better understand 18156why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe that perforce it 18157must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I shall pursue either 18158one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both: 18159 1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit 18160of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance: 18161 2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain. 18162 -- Duke of Wellington, to the British Foreign Office, 18163 London, 1812 18164% 18165Genuine happiness is when a wife sees a double chin on her husband's 18166old girl friend. 18167% 18168George Bernard Shaw once sent two tickets to the opening night of one of 18169his plays to Winston Churchill with the following note: 18170 "Bring a friend, if you have one." 18171 18172Churchill wrote back, returning the two tickets and excused himself as he 18173had a previous engagement. He also attached the following: 18174 "Please send me two tickets for the next night, if there is one." 18175% 18176George Orwell was an optimist. 18177% 18178George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to 18179have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend. 18180 -- Ashley Cooper 18181% 18182George's friend Sam had a dog who could recite the Gettysburg Address. "Let 18183me buy him from you," pleaded George after a demonstration. 18184 "Okay," agreed Sam. "All he knows is that Lincoln speech anyway." 18185 At his company's Fourth of July picnic, George brought his new pet 18186and announced that the animal could recite the entire Gettysburg Address. 18187No one believed him, and they proceeded to place bets against the dog. 18188George quieted the crowd and said, "Now we'll begin!" Then he looked at 18189the dog. The dog looked back. No sound. "Come on, boy, do your stuff." 18190Nothing. A disappointed George took his dog and went home. 18191 "Why did you embarrass me like that in front of everybody?" George 18192yelled at the dog. "Do you realize how much money you lost me?" 18193 "Don't be silly, George," replied the dog. "Think of the odds we're 18194gonna get on Labor Day." 18195% 18196(German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, complained, "Only 18197one man ever understood me." He fell silent for a while and then added, 18198"And he didn't understand me." 18199% 18200Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics: 18201 1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction. 18202 2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place. 18203 3) The energy required to change either one of these states 18204 will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so 18205 much as to make the task totally impossible. 18206% 18207Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty. 18208% 18209Get GUMMed 18210---------- 18211 18212The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April 1, 2076 18213(check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above the ground 18214directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep each other by the 18215hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered chroots in pipes, chown with 18216forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek nice zombie processes, strip, and 18217sleep, but not, we hope, od. Three days will be devoted to discussion of the 18218ramifications of whodo. Two seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown 18219of all the user-friendly features of Unix. Seminars include "Everything You 18220Know is Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis 18221"cc C? Si! Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You 18222Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats. No Reader Service No. is necessary because all 18223GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we could tell 18224them. 18225 -- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June 1984 18226% 18227Get in touch with your feelings of hostility against the dying light. 18228 -- Dylan Thomas 18229% 18230Getting into trouble is easy. 18231 -- D. Winkel and F. Prosser 18232% 18233Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kicked 18234out of the Book-of-the-Month Club. 18235 -- Melvin Belli on the occasion of his getting kicked out 18236 of the American Bar Association 18237% 18238Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules. 18239 18240Corollary: 18241 Following the rules will not get the job done. 18242% 18243Getting there is only half as far as getting there and back. 18244% 18245Gibson's Springtime Song (to the tune of "Deck the Halls"): 18246 18247'Tis the season to chase mousies (Fa la la la la, la la la la) 18248Snatch them from their little housies (...) 18249First we chase them 'round the field (...) 18250Then we have them for a meal (...) 18251 18252Toss them here and catch them there (...) 18253See them flying through the air (...) 18254Watch them fly and hear them squeal (...) 18255Falling mice have great appeal (...) 18256 18257See the hunter stretched before us (...) 18258He's chased the mice in field and forest (...) 18259Watch him clean his long white whiskers (...) 18260Of the blood of little critters (...) 18261% 18262Gilbert's Discovery: 18263 Any attempt to use the new super glues results in the two pieces 18264 sticking to your thumb and index finger rather than to each other. 18265% 18266Gil-galad was an Elven-King 18267of him the harpers sadly sing; 18268the last whose realm was fair and free 18269between the Mountains and the Sea. 18270 18271His sword was long, his lance was keen, 18272his shining helm afar was seen; 18273the countless stars of heaven's field 18274were mirrored in his silver shield. 18275 18276But long ago he rode away, 18277and where he dwelleth none can say; 18278for into darkness fell his star 18279in Mordor where the shadows are. 18280% 18281Ginger Snap 18282% 18283Ginsberg's Theorem: 18284 1. You can't win. 18285 2. You can't break even. 18286 3. You can't even quit the game. 18287 18288Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem: 18289 18290 Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem 18291 meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's 18292 Theorem. To wit: 18293 18294 1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win. 18295 2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even. 18296 3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game. 18297% 18298Ginsburg's Law: 18299 At the precise moment you take off your shoe in a shoe store, your 18300big toe will pop out of your sock to see what's going on. 18301% 18302GIVE: Support the helpless victims of computer error. 18303% 18304Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. 18305Teach a man to fish, and he'll invite himself over for dinner. 18306 -- Calvin Keegan 18307% 18308Give a small boy a hammer and he will find 18309that everything he encounters needs pounding. 18310% 18311Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it. 18312% 18313Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down 18314that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File". 18315% 18316Give him an evasive answer. 18317% 18318Give me a fish and I will eat today. 18319Teach me to fish and I will eat forever. 18320% 18321Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh 18322dome, and a place to stand, and I will drain the world. 18323% 18324Give me a sleeping pill and tell me your troubles. 18325% 18326Give me chastity and continence, but not just now. 18327 -- St. Augustine 18328% 18329Give me libertines or give me meth. 18330% 18331Give me the avowed, the erect, the manly foe, 18332Bold I can meet -- perhaps may turn his blow! 18333But of all plagues, good Heaven, thy wrath can send, 18334Save me, oh save me from the candid friend. 18335 -- George Canning 18336% 18337Give me your students, your secretaries, 18338Your huddled writers yearning to breathe free, 18339The wretched refuse of your Selectric III's. 18340Give these, the homeless, typist-tossed to me. 18341I lift my disk beside the processor. 18342 -- Inscription on a Word Processor 18343% 18344Give thought to your reputation. 18345Consider changing your name and moving to a new town. 18346% 18347GIVE UP!!!! 18348% 18349Give your child mental blocks for Christmas. 18350% 18351Give your very best today. 18352Heaven knows it's little enough. 18353% 18354Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief. 18355 -- William Faulkner 18356% 18357Given its constituency, the only thing I expect to be "open" about [the 18358Open Software Foundation] is its mouth. 18359 -- John Gilmore 18360% 18361Given my druthers, I'd druther not. 18362% 18363Given sufficient time, what you put 18364off doing today will get done by itself. 18365% 18366Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around, I'd 18367rather lie around. No contest. 18368 -- Eric Clapton 18369% 18370Giving money and power to governments is like giving whiskey and 18371car keys to teenage boys. 18372 -- P.J. O'Rourke 18373% 18374Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden: Languages 18375whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful. The LISP machine now permits 18376LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf. 18377 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 18378% 18379GLEEMITES: 18380 Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks. 18381 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 18382% 18383Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability: 18384 Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the 18385 probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting 18386 some useful work done. 18387% 18388Gloffing is a state of mine. 18389% 18390Glogg (a traditional Scandinavian holiday drink): 18391 fifth of dry red wine 18392 fifth of Aquavit 18393 1 and 1/2 inch piece of cinnamon 18394 10 cardamom seeds 18395 1 cup raisins 18396 4 dried figs 18397 1 cup blanched or flaked almonds 18398 a few pieces of dried orange peel 18399 5 cloves 18400 1/2 lb. sugar cubes 18401 Heat up the wine and hard stuff (which may be substituted with wine 18402for the faint of heart) in a big pot after adding all the other stuff EXCEPT 18403the sugar cubes. Just when it reaches boiling, put the sugar in a wire 18404strainer, moisten it in the hot brew, lift it out and ignite it with a match. 18405Dip the sugar several times in the liquid until it is all dissolved. Serve 18406hot in cups with a few raisins and almonds in each cup. 18407 N.B. Aquavit may be hard to find and expensive to boot. Use it only 18408if you really have a deep-seated desire to be fussy, or if you are of Swedish 18409extraction. 18410% 18411Go ahead... make my day. 18412 -- Dirty Harry 18413% 18414Go ahead, make my day. 18415 -- Harry Callahan 18416% 18417Go away, I'm all right. 18418 -- H.G. Wells' last words. 18419% 18420Go away! Stop bothering me with all your 18421"compute this ... compute that"! I'm taking a VAX-NAP. 18422 18423logout 18424% 18425Go climb a gravity well. 18426% 18427Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200. 18428% 18429Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both yes and no. 18430 -- J.R.R. Tolkien 18431% 18432Go on writing plays, my boy. One of these days a London producer will go 18433into his office and say to his secretary, "Is there a play from Shaw this 18434morning?" and when she says "No," he will say, "Well, then we'll have to 18435start on the rubbish." And that's your chance, my boy. 18436 -- G.B. Shaw to William Douglas Home 18437% 18438Go out and tell a lie that will make the whole family proud of you. 18439 -- Cadmus, to Pentheus, in "The Bacchae" by Euripides 18440% 18441Go slowly to the entertainments of thy friends, 18442but quickly to their misfortunes. 18443 -- Chilo 18444% 18445Go to a movie tonight. 18446Darkness becomes you. 18447% 18448Go to the Scriptures... the joyful promises it contains will be a balsam to 18449all your troubles. 18450 -- Andrew Jackson 18451 18452The foundations of our society and our government rest so much on the 18453teachings of the Bible that it would be difficult to support them if faith 18454in these teachings would cease to be practically universal in our country. 18455 -- Calvin Coolidge 18456 18457Lastly, our ancestors established their system of government on morality and 18458religious sentiment. Moral habits, they believed, cannot safely be trusted 18459on any other foundation than religious principle, nor any government be 18460secure which is not supported by moral habits. 18461 -- Daniel Webster 18462% 18463Go 'way! You're bothering me! 18464% 18465Goals... Plans... they're fantasies, they're part of a dream world... 18466 -- Wally Shawn 18467% 18468GOD: 18469 Darwin's chief rival. 18470% 18471God created a few perfect heads. 18472The rest he covered with hair. 18473% 18474God created woman. 18475And boredom did indeed cease from that moment -- 18476but many other things ceased as well. 18477Woman was God's second mistake. 18478 -- Nietzsche 18479% 18480God did not create the world in 7 days; He screwed 18481around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter. 18482% 18483God gave man two ears and one tongue so 18484that we listen twice as much as we speak. 18485 -- Arab proverb 18486% 18487God gives burdens; also shoulders. 18488 18489 Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech 18490at the end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish 18491saying; I can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth 18492though; why would he lie about a thing like that? 18493 -- Arthur Naiman 18494% 18495God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends. 18496% 18497God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to 18498change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference. 18499% 18500God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little... 18501The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty [...] I do 18502not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman... 18503not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on smoking 18504and drinking beer. But the man who cannot live on bread and water is 18505not fit to live! A family may live on good bread and water in the 18506morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at night! 18507 -- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher 18508% 18509God help the troubadour who tries to be a star. The more 18510that you try to find success, the more that you will fail. 18511 -- Phil Ochs, on the Second System Effect 18512% 18513God help those who do not help themselves. 18514 -- Wilson Mizner 18515% 18516God helps them that helps themselves. 18517 -- B. Franklin 18518% 18519God, I ask for patience -- and I want it right now! 18520% 18521God instructs the heart, not by ideas, 18522but by pains and contradictions. 18523 -- De Caussade 18524% 18525God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh. 18526% 18527God is a polytheist. 18528% 18529God is Dead. 18530 -- Nietzsche 18531Nietzsche is Dead. 18532 -- God 18533Nietzsche is God. 18534 -- Dead 18535% 18536God is dead and I don't feel all too well either.... 18537 -- Ralph Moonen 18538% 18539God is love, but get it in writing. 18540 -- Gypsy Rose Lee 18541% 18542God is not dead. He is alive and well and working on a 18543much less ambitious project. 18544% 18545God is not dead! He's alive and autographing Bibles at Cody's! 18546% 18547God is real, unless declared integer. 18548% 18549God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the 18550elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying 18551other things. 18552 -- Pablo Picasso 18553% 18554God is the tangential point between zero and infinity. 18555 -- Alfred Jarry 18556% 18557God isn't dead. He just doesn't want to get involved. 18558% 18559God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place. 18560% 18561God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through. 18562 -- Paul Valery 18563% 18564God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man. 18565% 18566God made the integers; all else is the work of Man. 18567 -- Kronecker 18568% 18569God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh. 18570% 18571God may be subtle, but he isn't plain mean. 18572 -- Albert Einstein 18573% 18574God must have loved calories, she made so many of them. 18575% 18576God must love the common man; He made so many of them. 18577% 18578God rest ye CS students now, The bearings on the drum are gone, 18579Let nothing you dismay. The disk is wobbling, too. 18580The VAX is down and won't be up, We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol 18581Until the first of May. Can't tell false from true. 18582The program that was due this morn, And now we find that we can't get 18583Won't be postponed, they say. At Berkeley's 4.2. 18584(chorus) (chorus) 18585 18586We've just received a call from DEC, And now some cheery news for you, 18587They'll send without delay The network's also dead, 18588A monitor called RSuX We'll have to print your files on 18589It takes nine hundred K. The line printer instead. 18590The staff committed suicide, The turnaround time's nineteen weeks. 18591We'll bury them today. And only cards are read. 18592(chorus) (chorus) 18593 18594And now we'd like to say to you CHORUS: Oh, tidings of comfort and joy, 18595Before we go away, Comfort and joy, 18596We hope the news we've brought to you Oh, tidings of comfort and joy. 18597Won't ruin your whole day. 18598You've got another program due, tomorrow, by the way. 18599(chorus) 18600 -- to God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen 18601% 18602God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, 18603and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. 18604 -- William Bragg 18605% 18606God said it, I believe it and that's all there is to it. 18607% 18608God save us from a bad neighbor and a beginner on the fiddle. 18609% 18610God shows his contempt for wealth by the kind of person he selects 18611to receive it. 18612 -- Austin O'Malley 18613% 18614God votes Republican. 18615% 18616God was satisfied with his own work, and that is fatal. 18617 -- Samuel Butler 18618% 18619Goda's Truism: 18620 By the time you get to the point where you can make ends meet, 18621 somebody moves the ends. 18622% 18623Going the speed of light is bad for your age. 18624% 18625Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school 18626make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car. 18627% 18628Gold, n: 18629 A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It 18630 is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich 18631 men who immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, 18632 although gold hasn't done anything to them. 18633 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 18634% 18635Goldenstern's Rules: 18636 1. Always hire a rich attorney. 18637 2. Never buy from a rich salesman. 18638% 18639Goldfish... what stupid animals. Even Wayne Cody stops 18640eating before he bursts. 18641% 18642Gold's Law: 18643 If the shoe fits, it's ugly. 18644% 18645Gomme's Laws: 18646 (1) A backscratcher will always find new itches. 18647 (2) Time accelerates. 18648 (3) The weather at home improves as soon as you go away. 18649% 18650Gone With The Wind LITE(tm) 18651 -- by Margaret Mitchell 18652 18653 A woman only likes men she can't have and the South gets trashed. 18654 18655Gift of the Magii LITE(tm) 18656 -- by O. Henry 18657 18658 A husband and wife forget to register their gift preferences. 18659 18660The Old Man and the Sea LITE(tm) 18661 -- by Ernest Hemingway 18662 18663 An old man goes fishing, but doesn't have much luck. 18664 18665Diary of a Young Girl LITE(tm) 18666 -- by Anne Frank 18667 18668 A young girl hides in an attic but is discovered. 18669% 18670Good advice is one of those insults that ought to be forgiven. 18671% 18672Good advice is something a man gives 18673when he is too old to set a bad example. 18674 -- La Rouchefoucauld 18675% 18676Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall. 18677% 18678Good day for business affairs. 18679Make a pass at that the new file clerk. 18680% 18681Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase. 18682% 18683Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school. 18684% 18685Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to work. 18686% 18687Good day to deal with people in high places; 18688particularly lonely stewardesses. 18689% 18690Good day to let down old friends who need help. 18691% 18692Good evening, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational 18693at the HAL plant in Urbana, Illinois, on January 11th, nineteen hundred 18694ninety-five. My supervisor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a 18695song. If you would like, I could sing it for you. 18696% 18697Good, fast, and cheap. Choose any two. 18698% 18699Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere. 18700% 18701Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of 18702those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the 18703will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of 18704government, therefore, is the method of choosing leaders. 18705 -- Frank Herbert, "Children of Dune" 18706% 18707"Good health" is merely the slowest rate at which one can die. 18708% 18709Good judgement comes from experience. 18710Experience comes from bad judgement. 18711 -- Jim Horning 18712% 18713Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed. 18714% 18715Good morning. This is the telephone company. Due to repairs, we're 18716giving you advance notice that your service will be cut off indefinitely 18717at ten o'clock. That's two minutes from now. 18718% 18719Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day. 18720% 18721Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor. 18722% 18723Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance. 18724% 18725Good night, Austin, Texas, wherever you are! 18726% 18727Good night, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are. 18728% 18729Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's 18730new lover. 18731% 18732Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry. 18733 -- R.E. Schenk 18734% 18735Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths good theatre. 18736 -- Gail Godwin 18737% 18738Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored. 18739 -- George Saunders' dying words 18740% 18741Goodbye, cool world. 18742% 18743Goose pimples rose all over me, my hair stood on end, my eyes filled with 18744tears of love and gratitude for this greatest of all conquerors of human 18745misery and shame, and my breath came in little gasps. If I had not known 18746that the Leader would have scorned such adulation, I might have fallen to 18747my knees in unashamed worship, but instead I drew myself to attention, raised 18748my arm in the eternal salute of the ancient Roman Legions and repeated the 18749holy words, "Heil Hitler!" 18750 -- George Lincoln Rockwell 18751% 18752Gordon's Law: 18753 If you think you have the solution, the question was poorly phrased. 18754% 18755gossip, n: 18756 Hearing something you like about someone you don't. 18757 -- Earl Wilson 18758% 18759//GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH 18760% 18761Got a complaint about the Internal Revenue Service? 18762Call the convenient toll-free "IRS Taxpayer Complaint Hot Line Number": 18763 18764 1-800-AUDITME 18765% 18766Got a dictionary? I want to know the meaning of life. 18767% 18768Got a wife and kids in Baltimore Jack, 18769I went out for a ride and never came back. 18770Like a river that don't know where it's flowing, 18771I took a wrong turn and I just kept going. 18772 18773 Everybody's got a hungry heart. 18774 Everybody's got a hungry heart. 18775 Lay down your money and you play your part, 18776 Everybody's got a hungry heart. 18777 18778I met her in a Kingstown bar, 18779We fell in love, I knew it had to end. 18780We took what we had and we ripped it apart, 18781Now here I am down in Kingstown again. 18782 18783Everybody needs a place to rest, 18784Everybody wants to have a home. 18785Don't make no difference what nobody says, 18786Ain't nobody likes to be alone. 18787 -- Bruce Springsteen, "Hungry Heart" 18788% 18789Got Mole problems? 18790Call Avogadro at 6.02 x 10^23. 18791% 18792Gourmet, n: 18793 Anyone whom, when you fail to finish something strange or 18794 revolting, remarks that it's an acquired taste and that you're 18795 leaving the best part. 18796% 18797Govern a great nation as you would cook a small fish. Don't overdo it. 18798 -- Lao Tsu 18799% 18800Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know any 18801more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he doesn't 18802know much. 18803 -- The Best of Will Rogers 18804% 18805Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know 18806any more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he 18807doesn't know much. 18808 -- Will Rogers 18809% 18810Government's Law: 18811 There is an exception to all laws. 18812% 18813Governor Tarkin. I should have expected to find you holding Vader's 18814leash. I thought I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on 18815board. 18816 -- Princess Leia Organa 18817% 18818Grabel's Law: 18819 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2. 18820% 18821Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture. 18822% 18823Graduate students and most professors are 18824no smarter than undergrads. They're just older. 18825% 18826Grand Master Turing once dreamed that he was a machine. When he awoke 18827he exclaimed: 18828 "I don't know whether I am Turing dreaming that I am a machine, 18829 or a machine dreaming that I am Turing!" 18830 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 18831% 18832Grandpa Charnock's Law: 18833 You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 18834 18835 [I thought it was when your kids learned to drive. Ed.] 18836% 18837Graphics blind the eyes. 18838Audio files deafen the ear. 18839Mouse clicks numb the fingers. 18840Heuristics weaken the mind. 18841Options wither the heart. 18842 18843The Guru observes the net 18844but trusts his inner vision. 18845He allows things to come and go. 18846His heart is as open as the ether. 18847% 18848GRASSHOPPOTAMUS: 18849 A creature that can leap to tremendous heights... once. 18850% 18851Gratitude, like love, is never a dependable international emotion. 18852 -- Joseph Alsop 18853% 18854GRAVITY: 18855 What you get when you eat too much and too fast. 18856% 18857Gravity brings me down. 18858% 18859Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks. 18860% 18861Gray's Law of Programming: 18862 'n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be 18863 accomplished in the same time as 'n' tasks. 18864 18865Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law: 18866 'n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as 'n' trivial tasks. 18867% 18868Great acts are made up of small deeds. 18869 -- Lao Tsu 18870% 18871Great American Axiom: 18872 Some is good, more is better, too much is just right. 18873% 18874GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#17): 18875 18876On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his 18877place of residence. 18878% 18879GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): April 2, 1751 18880 18881Issac Newton becomes discouraged when he falls up a flight of stairs. 18882% 18883GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): November 23, 1915 18884 18885Pancake make-up is invented; most people continue to prefer syrup. 18886% 18887Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds. 18888 -- Albert Einstein 18889 18890They laughed at Einstein. They laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they 18891also laughed at Bozo the Clown. 18892 -- Carl Sagan 18893% 18894Greatness is a transitory experience. It is never consistent. 18895% 18896Green light in A.M. for new projects. 18897Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets. 18898% 18899Green's Law of Debate: 18900Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about. 18901% 18902Grelb's Reminder: 18903 Eighty percent of all people consider 18904 themselves to be above average drivers. 18905% 18906grep me no patterns and I'll tell you no lines. 18907% 18908Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full 18909value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with. 18910 -- Mark Twain 18911% 18912Griffin's Thought: 18913 When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last. 18914% 18915Grig (the navigator): 18916 ... so you see, it's just the two of us against the entire space 18917 armada. 18918Alex (the gunner): 18919 What?!? 18920Grig: I've always wanted to fight a desperate battle against 18921 overwhelming odds. 18922Alex: It'll be a slaughter! 18923Grig: That's the spirit! 18924 -- The Last Starfighter 18925% 18926Grinnell's Law of Labor Laxity: 18927 At all times, for any task, you have not got enough done today. 18928% 18929Groundhog Day has been observed only once in Los Angeles because when the 18930groundhog came out of its hole, it was killed by a mudslide. 18931 -- Johnny Carson 18932% 18933Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the Senate, got on 18934better with the House of Representatives. A popular story circulating 18935during his presidency concerned the night he was roused by his wife crying, 18936"Wake up! I think there are burglars in the house." 18937 "No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate 18938maybe, but not in the House." 18939% 18940Growing old isn't bad when you consider the alternatives. 18941 -- Maurice Chevalier 18942% 18943Grownups are reluctant to take science fiction seriously, and with good 18944reason: sci-fi is a hormonal activity, not a literary one. Its traditional 18945concerns are all pubescent. Secondary sexual characteristics are everywhere, 18946disguised. Aliens have tentacles. Telepathy allows you to have sex without 18947any nasty inconvenience of touching. Womblike spaceships provide balanced 18948meals. No one ever has to grow old -- body parts are replaceable, like 18949Job's daughters, and if you're lucky you can become a robot. As for the 18950adult world, it's simply not there; political systems tend to be naively 18951authoritarian (there are more lords in science fiction than on public 18952television) and are often ruled by young boys on quests. The most popular 18953sci-fi book in years, Frank Herbert's Dune, sold millions of copies by 18954combining all these themes: it ends with its adolescent hero conquering the 18955universe while straddling a giant worm. 18956 -- Arnold Klein 18957% 18958Grub first, then ethics. 18959 -- Bertolt Brecht 18960% 18961GUILLOTINE: 18962 A French chopping center. 18963% 18964Gumperson's Law: 18965 The probability of a given event 18966 occurring is inversely proportional to its desirability. 18967% 18968Guns don't kill people. Bullets kill people. 18969% 18970Gunter's Airborne Discoveries: 18971 (1) When you are served a meal aboard an aircraft, 18972 the aircraft will encounter turbulence. 18973 (2) The strength of the turbulence 18974 is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee. 18975% 18976GURMLISH: 18977 The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which prevents 18978 the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his mouth. 18979 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 18980% 18981gurmlish, n.: 18982 The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which 18983 prevents the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof 18984 of his mouth. 18985 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 18986% 18987GURU: 18988 A person in T-shirt and sandals who took an elevator ride with 18989 a senior vice-president and is ultimately responsible for the 18990 phone call you are about to receive from your boss. 18991% 18992guru, n: 18993 A computer owner who can read the manual. 18994% 18995gy-ro-scope: 18996 A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also 18997 free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to 18998 each other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the 18999 two mutually perpendicular axes results from application of 19000 torque to the other when the wheel is spinning and so that the 19001 entire apparatus offers considerable opposition depending on 19002 the angular momentum to any torque that would change the direction 19003 of the axis of spin. 19004 -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary 19005% 19006hacker, n: 19007 Originally, any person with a knack for coercing stubborn inanimate 19008things; hence, a person with a happy knack, later contracted by the mythical 19009philosopher Frisbee Frobenius to the common usage, 'hack'. 19010 In olden times, upon completion of some particularly atrocious body 19011of coding that happened to work well, culpable programmers would gather in 19012a small circle around a first edition of Knuth's Best Volume I by candlelight, 19013and proceed to get very drunk while sporadically rending the following ditty: 19014 19015 Hacker's Fight Song 19016 19017 He's a Hack! He's a Hack! 19018 He's a guy with the happy knack! 19019 Never bungles, never shirks, 19020 Always gets his stuff to work! 19021 19022All take a drink (important!) 19023% 19024Hackers are just a migratory lifeform with a tropism for computers. 19025% 19026Hacker's Guide To Cooking: 190272 pkg. cream cheese (the mushy white stuff in silver wrappings that doesn't 19028 really come from Philadelphia after all; anyway, about 16 oz.) 190291 tsp. vanilla extract (which is more alcohol than vanilla and pretty 19030 strong so this part you *GOTTA* measure) 190311/4 cup sugar (but honey works fine too) 190328 oz. Cool Whip (the fluffy stuff devoid of nutritional value that you 19033 can squirt all over your friends and lick off...) 19034"Blend all together until creamy with no lumps." This is where you get to 19035 join(1) all the raw data in a big buffer and then filter it through 19036 merge(1m) with the -thick option, I mean, it starts out ultra lumpy 19037 and icky looking and you have to work hard to mix it. Try an electric 19038 beater if you have a cat(1) that can climb wall(1s) to lick it off 19039 the ceiling(3m). 19040"Pour into a graham cracker crust..." Aha, the BUGS section at last. You 19041 just happened to have a GCC sitting around under /etc/food, right? 19042 If not, don't panic(8), merely crumble a rand(3m) handful of innocent 19043 GCs into a suitable tempfile and mix in some melted butter. 19044"...and refrigerate for an hour." Leave the recipe's stdout in a fridge 19045 for 3.6E6 milliseconds while you work on cleaning up stderr, and 19046 by time out your cheesecake will be ready for stdin. 19047% 19048Hacker's Law: 19049 The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir 19050 a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions. 19051% 19052Hackers of the world, unite! 19053% 19054Hacker's Quicky #313: 19055 Sour Cream -n- Onion Potato Chips 19056 Microwave Egg Roll 19057 Chocolate Milk 19058% 19059Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge. 19060% 19061"Had he and I but met 19062By some old ancient inn, But ranged as infantry, 19063We should have sat us down to wet And staring face to face, 19064Right many a nipperkin! I shot at him as he at me, 19065 And killed him in his place. 19066I shot him dead because -- 19067Because he was my foe, He thought he'd 'list, perhaps, 19068Just so: my foe of course he was; Off-hand-like -- just as I -- 19069That's clear enough; although Was out of work -- had sold his traps 19070 No other reason why. 19071Yes; quaint and curious war is! 19072You shoot a fellow down 19073You'd treat, if met where any bar is 19074Or help to half-a-crown." 19075 -- Thomas Hardy 19076% 19077Had I been present at the creation, I would have given some 19078useful hints for the better ordering of the universe. 19079 -- Alfonso the Wise 19080 19081 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 19082 referring to operating system initialization.] 19083% 19084Had this been an actual emergency, we would have 19085fled in terror, and you would not have been informed. 19086% 19087Hail to the sun god 19088He's such a fun god 19089Ra! Ra! Ra! 19090% 19091Hailing frequencies open, Captain. 19092% 19093Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that 19094a big enough majority in any town? 19095 -- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn" 19096% 19097Hale Mail Rule, The: 19098 When you are ready to reply to a letter, you will lack at least 19099 one of the following: 19100 (a) A pen or pencil or typewriter. 19101 (b) Stationery. 19102 (c) Postage stamp. 19103 (d) The letter you are answering. 19104% 19105Half a bee, philosophically, must ipso facto half not be. 19106But half the bee has got to be, vis-a-vis its entity. See? 19107But can a bee be said to be or not to be an entire bee, 19108When half the bee is not a bee, due to some ancient injury? 19109% 19110Half Moon tonight. (At least its better than no Moon at all.) 19111% 19112Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at. 19113% 19114Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't, 19115and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it. 19116% 19117half-done, n: 19118 This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still crunchy, 19119 light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference between this 19120 and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like the 19121 difference between life and death. 19122 19123 You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill there 19124 in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the airport, 19125 fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough Hall, 19126 transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on 19127 Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk 19128 about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the 19129 man, "Let me have a nice half-done." Worth the trouble, wasn't it? 19130 -- Arthur Naiman 19131% 19132Halley's Comet: It came, we saw, we drank. 19133% 19134Hall's Laws of Politics: 19135 (1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending. 19136 (2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want 19137 something fixed. 19138 (3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend 19139 military spending, and conservatives social spending in 19140 their own districts). 19141% 19142hand, n: 19143 A singular instrument worn at the end of a human 19144 arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket. 19145% 19146Handel's Proverb: 19147 You can't produce a baby in one month by impregnating 9 women! 19148% 19149handshaking protocol, n: 19150 A process employed by hostile hardware devices to initiate a 19151 terse but civil dialogue, which, in turn, is characterized by 19152 occasional misunderstanding, sulking, and name-calling. 19153% 19154Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way. 19155 -- Pink Floyd 19156% 19157hangover, n: 19158 The wrath of grapes. 19159% 19160Hanlon's Razor: 19161 Never attribute to malice 19162 that which is adequately explained by stupidity. 19163% 19164Hanson's Treatment of Time: 19165 There are never enough hours in a day, 19166 but always too many days before Saturday. 19167% 19168Happiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others. 19169% 19170happiness, adv: 19171 An agreeable sensation arising 19172 from contemplating the misery of another. 19173% 19174happiness, adv: 19175 Finding the owner of a lost bikini. 19176% 19177Happiness is a hard disk. 19178% 19179Happiness is a positive cash flow. 19180% 19181Happiness is good health and a bad memory. 19182 -- Ingrid Bergman 19183% 19184Happiness is having a scratch for every itch. 19185 -- Ogden Nash 19186% 19187Happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion. 19188% 19189Happiness is the greatest good. 19190% 19191Happiness is twin floppies. 19192% 19193Happiness isn't having what you want, it's wanting what you have. 19194% 19195Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember. 19196 -- Oscar Levant 19197% 19198Happiness makes up in height what it lacks in length. 19199% 19200Happy feast of the pig! 19201% 19202Happy is the child whose father died rich. 19203% 19204hard, adj: 19205 The quality of your own data; also how it is to believe those 19206 of other people. 19207% 19208Hard reality has a way of cramping your style. 19209 -- Daniel Dennett 19210% 19211Hard work may not kill you, but why take the chance? 19212% 19213Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? 19214 -- Charlie McCarthy 19215% 19216Hardware: 19217 The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. 19218% 19219Hardware met Software on the road to Changtse. Software said: "You are Yin 19220and I am Yang. If we travel together we will become famous and earn vast 19221sums of money." And so the set forth together, thinking to conquer the world. 19222 Presently they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rage and 19223hobbled along propped on a thorny stick. Firmware said to them: "The Tao 19224lies beyond Yin and Yang. It is silent and still as a pool of water. It does 19225not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence. It does not seek fortune, 19226for it is complete within itself. It exists beyond space and time." 19227 Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes. 19228% 19229hardware, n: 19230 The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. 19231% 19232Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark 19233The Duke is fond of kittens 19234He likes to take their insides out 19235And use them for his mittens 19236 -- The Thirteen Clocks 19237% 19238Hark, the Herald Tribune sings, 19239Advertising wondrous things. 19240 19241Angels we have heard on High 19242Tell us to go out and Buy. 19243% 19244Harp not on that string. 19245 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 19246% 19247Harriet's Dining Observation: 19248 In every restaurant, the hardness of the butter pats 19249 increases in direct proportion to the softness of the bread. 19250% 19251Harris had the beefstead pie between his knees, and was carving it, and George 19252and I were waiting with our plates ready. 19253 "Have you got a spoon there?" says Harris; "I want a spoon to help 19254the gravy with." 19255 The hamper was close behind us, and George and I both turned round to 19256reach one out. We were not five seconds getting it. When we looked round 19257again, Harris and the pie were gone! 19258 It was a wide, open field. There was not a tree or a bit of hedge for 19259hundreds of yards. He could not have tumbled into the river, because we were 19260on the water side of him, and he would have had to climb over us to do it. 19261 George and I gazed all about. Then we gazed at each other. 19262 "Has he been snatched up to heaven?" I queried. 19263 "They'd hardly have taken the pie, too," said George. 19264 There seemed weight in this objection, and we discarded the heavenly 19265theory. 19266 "I suppose the truth of the matter is," suggested George, descending 19267to the commonplace and practicable, "that there has been an earthquake." 19268 And then he added, with a touch of sadness in his voice: "I wish he 19269hadn't been carving that pie." 19270 -- Jerome K. Jerome, "Three Men In A Boat" 19271% 19272Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab: 19273 Experience is directly proportional to the amount of 19274 equipment ruined. 19275% 19276Harrison's Postulate: 19277For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. 19278% 19279Harris's Lament: 19280 All the good ones are taken. 19281% 19282Harry and Fred were playing their Sunday afternoon golf game. The game, as 19283always, was close. They were at the treacherous 12th hole: a par three that 19284required a perfect first shot over a large pond and onto a tiny green. There 19285were sand traps on the other three sides of the green, and a small road 50 19286feet beyond it. Harry went first. He carefully addressed the ball and hit 19287a good shot that landed just on the edge of the green, narrowly avoiding the 19288pond. Just as Fred addressed his ball, he looked up and noticed a funeral 19289procession along the road just behind the green. Fred put down his club, 19290took his hat off, and waited for the entire procession to pass. As soon as 19291the cars were gone he put his hat back on and started addressing the ball 19292again. Harry said, "Damn, Fred. That was a really nice thing you did, 19293waiting for the funeral to pass like that." 19294 Fred finished his swing, making perfect contact with the ball. It 19295was an excellent shot that landed 7 feet from the hole. "It's the least I 19296could do," he said, smiling at his shot, "We were married for 22 years, 19297you know." 19298% 19299Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he makes us 19300all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean famous for 19301its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses probably stirs 19302romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you have never met any 19303wild horses in person. In person, they are like enormous hooved rats. They 19304amble up to your camp site, and their attitude is: "We're wild horses. 19305We're going to eat your food, knock down your tent and poop on your shoes. 19306We're protected by federal law, just like Richard Nixon." 19307 -- Dave Barry 19308% 19309Harry's bar has a new cocktail. It's called MRS punch. They make it with 19310milk, rum and sugar and it's wonderful. The milk is for vitality and the 19311sugar is for pep. They put in the rum so that people will know what to do 19312with all that pep and vitality. 19313% 19314Hartley's First Law: 19315 You can lead a horse to water, but if you can 19316 get him to float on his back, you've got something. 19317% 19318Hartley's Second Law: 19319 Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. 19320% 19321HARTLEY'S SECOND LAW: 19322 Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. 19323 19324My corollary: 19325 The completely psychotic have all the fun. 19326% 19327Harvard Law: 19328 Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, 19329 temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the 19330 organism will do as it damn well pleases. 19331% 19332HARVARD: 19333Quarterback: 19334 Sophomore Dave Strewzinski... likes to pass. And pass he does, with 19335a record 86 attempts (three completions) in 87 plays.... Though Strewzinski 19336has so far failed to score any points for the Crimson, his jackrabbit speed 19337has made him the least sacked quarterback in the Ivy league. 19338Wide Receiver: 19339 The other directional signal in Harvard's offensive machine is senior 19340Phil Yip, who is very fast. Yip is so fast that he has set a record for being 19341fast. Expect to see Yip elude all pursuers and make it into the endzone five 19342or six times, his average for a game. Yip, nicknamed "fumblefingers" and "you 19343asshole" by his teammates, hopes to carry the ball with him at least one of 19344those times. 19345YALE: 19346Defense: 19347 On the defensive side, Yale boasts the stingiest line in the Ivies. 19348Primarily responsible are seniors Izzy "Shylock" Bloomberg and Myron 19349Finklestein, the tightest ends in recent Eli history. Also contributing to 19350the powerful defense is junior tackle Angus MacWhirter, a Scotsman who rounds 19351out the offensive ethnic joke. Look for these three to shut down the opening 19352coin toss. 19353 -- Harvard Lampoon 1988 Program Parody, distributed at The Game 19354% 19355Has anyone ever tasted an "end"? Are they really bitter? 19356% 19357"Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?" 19358"Yes; I don't have one." 19359"Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors..." 19360 -- E. D'Azevedo, CS, University of Washington 19361% 19362Has anyone realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is to 19363defuse project tensions? When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a 19364non-cynical, or even an informative cookie? 19365 Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions. This 19366still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or only 19367serves to blunt the warning signs. 19368 19369 Long live the revolution! 19370 Have a nice day. 19371% 19372Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are typed 19373with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter keyboard 19374was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use of both hands. 19375It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is not only unnatural, 19376but a lot harder than it appears. 19377% 19378Has the great art and mystery of politics no apparent utility? Does it 19379appear to be unqualifiedly ratty, raffish, sordid, obscene and low down, 19380and its salient virtuosi a gang of unmitigated scoundrels? Then let us 19381not forget its high capacity to soothe and tickle the midriff, its 19382incomparable services as a maker of entertainment. 19383 -- H.L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe" 19384% 19385Haste makes waste. 19386 -- John Heywood 19387% 19388Hatcheck girl: 19389 "Goodness! What lovely diamonds!" 19390Mae West: 19391 "Goodness had nothin' to do with it, dearie." 19392 -- "Night After Night", 1932 19393% 19394Hate is like acid. It can damage the vessel in which it is 19395stored as well as destroy the object on which it is poured. 19396% 19397Hate the sin and love the sinner. 19398 -- Mahatma Gandhi 19399% 19400Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie, 19401unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax. 19402 -- Mike Royko 19403% 19404hatred, n: 19405 A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority. 19406% 19407Have a coke and a smile! 19408 -- John DeLorean 19409% 19410Have a nice day! 19411% 19412Have a nice diurnal anomaly. 19413% 19414Have a place for everything and keep the thing 19415somewhere else; this is not advice, it is merely custom. 19416 -- Mark Twain 19417% 19418Have a taco. 19419 -- P.S. Beagle 19420% 19421Have at you! 19422% 19423Have no friends not equal to yourself. 19424 -- Confucius 19425% 19426Have the courage to take your own thoughts 19427seriously, for they will shape you. 19428 -- Albert Einstein 19429% 19430Have you ever felt like a wounded cow 19431halfway between an oven and a pasture? 19432walking in a trance toward a pregnant 19433 seventeen-year-old housewife's 19434 two-day-old cookbook? 19435 -- Richard Brautigan 19436% 19437Have you ever met a man of good character where women are concerned? 19438 19439Well, I haven't. I find that whenever a woman becomes friends with me, 19440she becomes jealous, exacting, suspicious, and a damn nuisance; and 19441whenever I become friends with a woman, I become selfish and tyrannical. 19442So here I am, Pickering, a confirmed old bachelor and very likely to 19443remain so. 19444 -- Henry Higgins, "My Fair Lady" 19445% 19446Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying 19447to tell you `there's a time for work and a time for play' 19448never find the time for play? 19449% 19450Have you flogged your kid today? 19451% 19452Have you locked your file cabinet? 19453% 19454Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, 19455vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk? 19456% 19457Have you seen the latest Japanese camera? Apparently it is so fast it can 19458photograph an American with his mouth shut! 19459% 19460Have you seen the old man in the closed down market, 19461Kicking up the papers in his worn out shoes? 19462In his eyes you see no pride, hands hang loosely at his side 19463Yesterdays papers, telling yesterdays news. 19464 19465How can you tell me you're lonely, 19466And say for you the sun don't shine? 19467Let me take you by the hand 19468Lead you through the streets of London 19469I'll show you something to make you change your mind... 19470 19471Have you seen the old man outside the sea-mans mission 19472Memories fading like the metal ribbons that he wears. 19473In our winter city the rain cries a little pity 19474For one more forgotten hero and a world that doesn't care... 19475% 19476Have you seen the well-to-do, up and down Park Avenue? 19477On that famous thoroughfare, with their noses in the air, 19478High hats and Arrow collars, white spats and lots of dollars, 19479Spending every dime, for a wonderful time... 19480If you're blue and you don't know where to go to, 19481Why don't you go where fashion sits, 19482... 19483Dressed up like a million dollar trooper, 19484Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper, (super dooper) 19485Come, let's mix where Rockefeller's walk with sticks, 19486Or umberellas, in their mitts, 19487Puttin' on the Ritz. 19488... 19489If you're blue and you don't know where to go to, 19490Why don't you go where fashion sits, 19491Puttin' on the Ritz. 19492Puttin' on the Ritz. 19493Puttin' on the Ritz. 19494Puttin' on the Ritz. 19495% 19496Having a baby isn't so bad. If you're a female Emperor penguin 19497in the Antarctic. She lays the egg, rolls it over to the father, 19498then takes off for warmer weather where she eats and eats and 19499eats. For two months, the father stands stiff, without food, 19500blind in the 24-hour dark, balancing the egg on his feet. After 19501the little penguin is hatched, the mother sees fit to come home. 19502 -- L.M. Boyd, "Austin American-Statesman" 19503% 19504Having a wonderful wine, wish you were beer. 19505% 19506Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain. 19507 -- Martin Mull 19508% 19509Having no talent is no longer enough. 19510 -- Gore Vidal 19511% 19512Having nothing, nothing can he lose. 19513 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 19514% 19515Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods. 19516 -- Socrates 19517% 19518Having wandered helplessly into a blinding snowstorm Sam was greatly 19519relieved to see a sturdy Saint Bernard dog bounding toward him with 19520the traditional keg of brandy strapped to his collar. 19521 "At last," cried Sam, "man's best friend -- and a great big 19522dog, too!" 19523% 19524"Hawk, we're going to die." 19525"Never say die... and certainly never say we." 19526 -- M*A*S*H 19527% 19528Hawkeye's Conclusion: 19529 It's not easy to play the clown 19530 when you've got to run the whole circus. 19531% 19532He: Do you like Kipling? 19533She: Oh, you naughty boy, I don't know! I've never kippled! 19534% 19535He: "If I made love to you, would you yell?" 19536She: "What do you want me to yell?" 19537 -- Benny Hill 19538% 19539HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science. 19540SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains. 19541 -- Walt Kelley 19542% 19543He asked me if I knew what time it was -- I said yes, but not right now. 19544 -- S. Wright 19545% 19546He didn't run for reelection. "Politics brings you into contact with all 19547the people you'd give anything to avoid," he said. "I'm staying home." 19548 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegone Days" 19549% 19550He does it with a better grace, but I do it more natural. 19551 -- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night" 19552% 19553He draweth out the thread of his verbosity 19554finer than the staple of his argument. 19555 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost" 19556% 19557He gave her a look that you could have poured on a waffle. 19558% 19559He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation 19560perfectly delightful. 19561 -- Sydney Smith 19562% 19563He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild 19564and heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned 19565all hope of ever behaving "normally." 19566 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72" 19567% 19568He hadn't a single redeeming vice. 19569 -- Oscar Wilde 19570% 19571He has been known by many names; the Prince of Lies, the Director, Lucifer, 19572Belial, and once, at a party, some obnoxious drunk kept calling him "Dude". 19573 -- Stig's Inferno 19574% 19575He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him. 19576 -- Bion 19577% 19578He hath eaten me out of house and home. 19579 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" 19580% 19581He heard the snick of a rifle bolt and found himself peering down the muzzle 19582of a weapon held by a drunken liquor store owner -- "There's a conflict," he 19583said, "there's a conflict between land and people... the people have to go..." 19584 -- Stan Ridgeway, "Call of the West" 19585% 19586He is a man capable of turning any colour into grey. 19587 -- John LeCarre 19588% 19589He is considered a most graceful speaker 19590who can say nothing in the most words. 19591% 19592He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides. 19593% 19594He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others. 19595 -- Samuel Johnson 19596% 19597He is now rising from affluence to poverty. 19598 -- Mark Twain 19599% 19600He is the best of men who dislikes power. 19601 -- Mohammed 19602% 19603He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap. 19604% 19605He jests at scars who never felt a wound. 19606 -- Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet, II. 2" 19607% 19608He keeps differentiating, flying off on a tangent. 19609% 19610He knew the tavernes well in every toun. 19611 -- Geoffrey Chaucer 19612% 19613He knows not how to know who knows not also how to unknow. 19614 -- Sir Richard Burton 19615% 19616He laughs at every joke three times... once when it's told, 19617once when it's explained, and once when he understands it. 19618% 19619He looked at me as if I were a side dish he hadn't ordered. 19620 -- Ring Lardner 19621% 19622He missed an invaluable opportunity to hold his tongue. 19623 -- Andrew Lang 19624% 19625He only knew his iron spine held up the sky -- he didn't realize his brain 19626had fallen to the ground. 19627 -- The Book of Serenity 19628% 19629(He opens a tolm and begins.) 19630 19631 It says: "In the beginning was the Word." 19632 Already I am stopped. It seems absurd. 19633 The Word does not deserve the highest prize, 19634 I must translate it otherwise. 19635 If I am well inspired and not blind. 19636 It says: "In the beginning was the Mind." 19637 Ponder that first line, wait and see, 19638 Lest you should write too hastily. 19639 Is the Mind the all-creating source? 19640 It ought to say: "In the beginning there was Force." 19641 Yet something warns me as I grasp the pen, 19642 That my translation must be changed again. 19643 The spirit helps me. Now it is exact. 19644 I write: "In the beginning was the Act." 19645 -- Goethe's Faust 19646% 19647[He] played the King as if afraid someone else might play the ace. 19648 -- Unattributed review of a performance of King Lear. 19649 19650My tears stuck in their little ducts, refusing to be jerked. 19651 -- Peter Stack, movie review 19652 19653His performance is so wooden you want to spray him with Liquid Pledge. 19654 -- John Stark, movie review 19655% 19656He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace. 19657 -- John Mason Brown, drama critic 19658% 19659He tells you when you've got on too much lipstick, 19660And helps you with your girdle when your hips stick. 19661 -- O. Nash, on the perfect husband 19662% 19663He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom. 19664 -- J.R.R. Tolkien 19665% 19666He that bringeth a present, findeth the door open. 19667 -- Scottish proverb. 19668% 19669He that composes himself is wiser than he that composes a book. 19670 -- B. Franklin 19671% 19672He that is giddy thinks the world turns round. 19673 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew" 19674% 19675He that teaches himself has a fool for a master. 19676 -- Benjamin Franklin 19677% 19678He that would govern others, first should be the master of himself. 19679% 19680He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold. 19681% 19682He thinks the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived. 19683 -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda" 19684% 19685He thought he saw an albatross 19686That fluttered 'round the lamp. 19687He looked again and saw it was 19688A penny postage stamp. 19689"You'd best be getting home," he said, 19690"The nights are rather damp." 19691% 19692He thought of Musashi, the Sword Saint, standing in his garden more than 19693three hundred years ago. "What is the 'Body of a rock'?" he was asked. 19694In answer, Musashi summoned a pupil of his and bid him kill himself by 19695slashing his abdomen with a knife. Just as the pupil was about to comply, 19696the Master stayed his hand, saying, "That is the 'Body of a rock'." 19697 -- Eric Van Lustbader 19698% 19699[He] took me into his library and showed me his books, of which he had 19700a complete set. 19701 -- Ring Lardner 19702% 19703He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose. 19704% 19705He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he 19706made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she 19707disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to 19708dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he 19709told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven -- with a gun." 19710 -- Jack Handey 19711% 19712He was part of my dream, of course -- 19713but then I was part of his dream too. 19714 -- Lewis Carroll 19715% 19716He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes. 19717% 19718He was the sort of person whose personality 19719would be greatly improved by a terminal illness. 19720% 19721He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut. 19722% 19723He who attacks the fundamentals of the American 19724broadcasting industry attacks democracy itself. 19725 -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS 19726% 19727He who despairs over an event is a coward, but he who holds hopes for 19728the human condition is a fool. 19729 -- Albert Camus 19730% 19731He who despises himself nevertheless esteems himself as a self-despiser. 19732 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 19733% 19734He who enters his wife's dressing room is a philosopher or a fool. 19735 -- Honore de Balzac 19736% 19737He who fears the unknown may one day flee from his own backside. 19738 -- Sinbad 19739% 19740He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day. 19741% 19742He who foresees calamities suffers them twice over. 19743% 19744He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last. 19745% 19746He who has but four and spends five has no need for a wallet. 19747% 19748He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet. 19749% 19750He who has the courage to laugh is almost as much 19751a master of the world as he who is ready to die. 19752 -- Giacomo Leopardi 19753% 19754He who hates vices hates mankind. 19755% 19756He who hesitates is a damned fool. 19757 -- Mae West 19758% 19759He who hesitates is last. 19760% 19761He who hesitates is sometimes saved. 19762% 19763He who hoots with owls by night cannot soar with eagles by day. 19764% 19765He who invents adages for others to peruse 19766takes along rowboat when going on cruise. 19767% 19768He who is content with his lot probably has a lot. 19769% 19770He who is flogged by fate and laughs the louder is a masochist. 19771% 19772He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else. 19773% 19774He who is in love with himself has at least this advantage -- he won't 19775encounter many rivals. 19776 -- Georg Lichtenberg, "Aphorisms" 19777% 19778He who is intoxicated with wine will be sober again in the course of the 19779night, but he who is intoxicated by the cupbearer will not recover his 19780senses until the day of judgement. 19781 -- Saadi 19782% 19783He who is known as an early riser need not get up until noon. 19784% 19785He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know. 19786 -- Lao Tsu 19787% 19788He who knows not and knows that he knows not is ignorant. Teach him. 19789He who knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool. Shun him. 19790He who knows and knows not that he knows is asleep. Wake him. 19791% 19792He who knows nothing, knows nothing. 19793But he who knows he knows nothing knows something. 19794And he who knows someone whose friend's wife's brother knows nothing, 19795 he knows something. Or something like that. 19796% 19797He who knows others is wise. 19798He who knows himself is enlightened. 19799 -- Lao Tsu 19800% 19801He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough. 19802 -- Lao Tsu 19803% 19804He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news. 19805 -- Bertolt Brecht 19806% 19807He who laughs last -- missed the punch line. 19808% 19809He who laughs last didn't get the joke. 19810% 19811He who laughs last hasn't been told the terrible truth. 19812% 19813He who laughs last is probably your boss. 19814% 19815He who laughs last probably doesn't understand the joke. 19816% 19817He who laughs last usually had to have joke explained. 19818% 19819He who laughs, lasts. 19820% 19821He who lives without folly is less wise than he believes. 19822% 19823He who loses, wins the race, 19824And parallel lines meet in space. 19825 -- John Boyd, "Last Starship from Earth" 19826% 19827He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man. 19828 -- Dr. Johnson 19829% 19830He who minds his own business is never unemployed. 19831% 19832He who renders warfare fatal to all engaged in it will 19833be the greatest benefactor the world has yet known. 19834 -- Sir Richard Burton 19835% 19836He who slings mud generally loses ground. 19837 -- Adlai Stevenson 19838% 19839He who slings mud loses ground. 19840 -- Chinese Proverb 19841% 19842He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT. 19843% 19844He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance. 19845% 19846He who walks on burning coals is sure to get burned. 19847 -- Sinbad 19848% 19849He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder. 19850 -- M.C. Escher 19851% 19852He who writes with no misspelled words has prevented a first suspicion 19853on the limits of his scholarship or, in the social world, of his general 19854education and culture. 19855 -- Julia Norton McCorkle 19856% 19857HEAD CRASH!! FILES LOST!! 19858Details at 11. 19859% 19860Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 19861% 19862Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, 19863lying in hospitals dying of nothing. 19864 -- Redd Foxx 19865% 19866Hear about... 19867 the absent minded sculptor who put his model to bed and 19868 started chiseling on his wife? 19869% 19870Hear about... 19871 the fellow who, upon being told by his shrewish wife that she 19872 would dance on his grave, promptly provided for a burial at sea? 19873% 19874Hear about... 19875 the female activist who went berserk during a demonstration and 19876 attacked a karate-trained cop with a deadly weapon. She ended 19877 up a chopped libber? 19878% 19879Hear about... 19880 the guru who refused Novacain while having a tooth pulled because 19881 he wanted to transcend dental medication? 19882% 19883Hear about... 19884 the pessimistic historian whose latest book has chapter headings 19885 that read "World War One","World War Two" and "Watch This 19886 Space"? 19887% 19888Hear about... 19889 the wild office Christmas party in a completely automated 19890 company -- the photocopier got drunk and tried to undo the 19891 typewriter's ribbon? 19892% 19893Hear about the Californian terrorist that tried to blow up a bus? 19894Burned his lips on the exhaust pipe. 19895% 19896Hear me, my chiefs, I am tired; my heart is sick and sad. 19897From where the sun now stands I Will Fight No More Forever. 19898 -- Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce 19899% 19900Heard that the next Space Shuttle is supposed to carry several 19901Guernsey cows? It's gonna be the herd shot 'round the world. 19902% 19903Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable. 19904 -- The Wizard of Oz 19905% 19906Heaven and earth were created all together in the same instant, 19907on October 23rd, 4004 B.C. at nine o'clock in the morning. 19908 -- Dr. John Lightfoot, 19909 Vice-chancellor of Cambridge University 19910% 19911heaven, n: 19912 A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of 19913 their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while 19914 you expound your own. 19915% 19916Heavier than air flying machines are impossible. 19917 -- Lord Kelvin, President, Royal Society, c. 1895 19918% 19919heavy, adj: 19920 Seduced by the chocolate side of the force. 19921% 19922Hedonist for hire... no job too easy! 19923% 19924Heisenberg may have been here. 19925% 19926Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned. 19927 -- Milton Friedman 19928% 19929Hell hath no limits, nor is circumscribed in one self place, 19930for where we are is Hell, and where Hell is there must we ever be. 19931 -- Christopher Marlowe, "Doctor Faustus" 19932% 19933Hell, if you don't try to remake someone, 19934how are they supposed to know you care? 19935% 19936Hell is empty and all the devils are here. 19937 -- Wm. Shakespeare, "The Tempest" 19938% 19939hell, n: 19940 Truth seen too late. 19941% 19942Heller's Law: 19943 The first myth of management is that it exists. 19944% 19945Heller's Law: 19946 The first myth of management is that it exists. 19947 19948Johnson's Corollary: 19949 Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the 19950 organization. 19951% 19952Hello. Jim Rockford's machine, this is Larry Doheny's machine. Will you 19953please have your master call my master at his convenience? Thank you. 19954Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. 19955% 19956Hello, friend! You say things aren't going too well? You say you have a 19957date with your favorite girl when it starts raining so hard you can't see? 19958And you're out on some back road when the car stalls and won't start, so 19959you set off accross the fields, and 50 feet of barbed wire hits you right 19960smack in the puss? And then there's a big explosion behind you and you 19961don't hear your girl screaming any more? 19962 19963 Well, take a walk in the sun and hold your head up high! 19964 You'll show the world; you'll tell them where to get off! 19965 You'll never give up, never give up, never give up -- that ship! 19966% 19967"Hello," he lied. 19968 -- Don Carpenter, quoting a Hollywood agent 19969% 19970Hell's broken loose. 19971 -- Robert Greene 19972% 19973Help! I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory! 19974% 19975Help! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70! 19976% 19977HELP! Man trapped in a human body! 19978% 19979HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN! 19980 -- E. E. CUMMINGS 19981% 19982Help a swallow land at Capistrano. 19983% 19984HELP!!!! I'm being held prisoner in /usr/games/lib! 19985% 19986Help stamp out and abolish redundancy! 19987% 19988Help stamp out Mickey-Mouse computer interfaces -- Menus are for Restaurants! 19989% 19990Hempstone's Question: 19991 If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class? 19992% 19993Her days were spent in a kind of slow bustle; always busy without 19994getting on, always behind hand and lamenting it, without altering 19995her ways; wishing to be an economist, without contrivance or 19996regularity; dissatisfied with her servants, without skill to make 19997them better, and whether helping, or reprimanding, or indulging 19998them, without any power of engaging their respect. 19999 -- J. Austen 20000% 20001Her locks an ancient lady gave 20002Her loving husband's life to save; 20003And men -- they honored so the dame -- 20004Upon some stars bestowed her name. 20005 20006But to our modern married fair, 20007Who'd give their lords to save their hair, 20008No stellar recognition's given. 20009There are not stars enough in heaven. 20010% 20011Here about the young Chinese woman who just won the lottery? 20012One fortunate cookie... 20013% 20014Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; 20015from President's and Kings to the scum of the earth... 20016% 20017Here comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason. 20018% 20019Here I am again right where I know I shouldn't be 20020I've been caught inside this trap too many times 20021I must've walked these steps and said these words a 20022 thousand times before 20023It seems like I know everybody's lines. 20024 -- David Bromberg, "How Late'll You Play 'Til?" 20025% 20026Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still don't know what I want to be when 20027I grow up. 20028 -- Peter Drucker 20029% 20030Here I sit, broken-hearted, 20031All logged in, but work unstarted. 20032First net.this and net.that, 20033And a hot buttered bun for net.fat. 20034 20035The boss comes by, and I play the game, 20036Then I turn back to net.flame. 20037Is there a cure (I need your views), 20038For someone trapped in net.news? 20039 20040I need your help, I say 'tween sobs, 20041'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs. 20042% 20043Here in my heart, I am Helen; 20044 I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least. 20045I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Stael; 20046 I'm Salome, moon of the East. 20047 20048Here in my soul I am Sappho; 20049 Lady Hamilton am I, as well. 20050In me Recamier vies with Kitty O'Shea, 20051 With Dido, and Eve, and poor Nell. 20052 20053I'm all of the glamorous ladies 20054 At whose beckoning history shook. 20055But you are a man, and see only my pan, 20056 So I stay at home with a book. 20057 -- Dorothy Parker 20058% 20059Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical 20060lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach your 20061hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. Did you 20062notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in pain? This 20063teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, but we must never 20064use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an important electrical lesson. 20065 It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed 20066your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small objects 20067that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will attract dirt. 20068The electrons travel through your bloodstream and collect in your finger, 20069where they form a spark that leaps to your friend's filling, then travels 20070down to his feet and back into the carpet, thus completing the circuit. 20071 -- Dave Barry 20072% 20073Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: 20074if you're alive, it isn't. 20075% 20076Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the month. According 20077to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people are experiencing severe 20078marketing anxiety in China. 20079 20080The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either (depending on the 20081inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax tadpole". 20082 20083Bite the wax tadpole. There is a sort of rough justice, is there not? 20084 20085The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's hard to get 20086a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to bite a wax 20087tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, but broad 20088satiric vistas do not open up. 20089 -- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle 20090% 20091HERE LIES LESTER MOORE 20092SHOT 4 TIMES WITH A .44 20093NO LES 20094NO MOORE 20095 -- tombstone, in Tombstone, AZ 20096% 20097Here lies my wife: her let her lie! 20098Now she's at rest, and so am I. 20099 -- John Dryden, epitaph intended for his wife 20100% 20101Here there by tygers. 20102% 20103HERE'S A GOOD JOKE to do during an earthquake. Straddle a big crack in 20104the earth and if it opens wider, go, "Whoa! Whoa!" and flap your arms 20105around as if you're going to fall. 20106 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 20107% 20108Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 20109`Psychic Wins Lottery.' 20110 -- Jay Leno 20111% 20112Here's the holiday schedule for Monday's observation of Martin Luther 20113King Jr.'s birthday, when the following will be closed: 20114 20115 * Governmental offices 20116 * Post offices 20117 * Libraries 20118 * Schools 20119 * Banks 20120 * Parts of Palm Beach 20121 20122and the mind of Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina. 20123 -- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live" 20124% 20125Herth's Law: 20126 He who turns the other cheek too far gets it in the neck. 20127% 20128He's been like a father to me, 20129He's the only DJ you can get after three, 20130I'm an all-night musician in a rock and roll band, 20131And why he don't like me I don't understand. 20132 -- The Byrds 20133% 20134He's dead, Jim. 20135% 20136He's got the heart of a little child, 20137and he keeps it in a jar on his desk. 20138% 20139He's just a politician trying to save both his faces... 20140% 20141He's just like Capistrano, always ready for a few swallows. 20142% 20143He's like a function -- he returns a value, in the form of 20144his opinion. It's up to you to cast it into a void or not. 20145 -- Phil Lapsley 20146% 20147He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd 20148be there... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter. 20149% 20150Heuristics are bug ridden by definition. 20151If they didn't have bugs, then they'd be algorithms. 20152% 20153Hewett's Observation: 20154 The rudeness of a bureaucrat is inversely proportional to his or 20155 her position in the governmental hierarchy and to the number of 20156 peers similarly engaged. 20157% 20158Hey, diddle, diddle the overflow pdl 20159To get a little more stack; 20160If that's not enough then you lose it all 20161And have to pop all the way back. 20162% 20163Hey, Jim, it's me, Susie Lillis from the laundromat. You said you were 20164gonna call and it's been two weeks. What's wrong, you lose my number? 20165% 20166HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS: 20167 Be sure it's true, when you say "I love you". It's a sin to 20168 tell a lie. Millions of hearts have been broken, just because 20169 these words were spoken. 20170% 20171"Hey, Sam, how about a loan?" 20172"Whattaya need?" 20173"Oh, about $500." 20174"Whattaya got for collateral?" 20175"Whattaya need?" 20176"How about an eye?" 20177 -- Sam Giancana 20178% 20179Hey, what do you expect from a culture that 20180*drives* on *parkways* and *parks* on *driveways*? 20181 -- Gallagher 20182% 20183Hi! I'm Larry. This is my brother Bob, and this is my other brother 20184Jimbo. We thought you might like to know the names of your assailants. 20185% 20186Hi! You have reached 962-0129. None of us are here to answer the phone and 20187the cat doesn't have opposing thumbs, so his messages are illegible. Please 20188leave your name and message after the beep... 20189% 20190Hi! How are things going? 20191 (just fine, thank you...) 20192Great! Say, could I bother you for a question? 20193 (you just asked one...) 20194Well, how about one more? 20195 (one more than the first one?) 20196Yes. 20197 (you already asked that...) 20198[at this point, Alphonso gets smart... ] 20199May I ask two questions, sir? 20200 (no.) 20201May I ask ONE then? 20202 (nope...) 20203Then may I ask, sir, how I may ask you a question? 20204 (yes, you may.) 20205Sir, how may I ask you a question? 20206 (you must ask for retroactive question asking privileges for 20207 the number of questions you have asked, then ask for that 20208 number plus two, one for the current question, and one for the 20209 next one) 20210Sir, may I ask nine questions? 20211 (go right ahead...) 20212% 20213Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. As 20214you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of equal 20215height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. Do you have 20216a car or a job? Do you ever walk around? If so, you probably have the 20217makings of an excellent legal case. Although of course every case is 20218different, I would definitely say that based on my experience and training, 20219there's no reason why you shouldn't come out of this thing with at least a 20220cabin cruiser. 20221 20222Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our 20223motto is: 'It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.' 20224 -- Dave Barry 20225% 20226Hi Jimbo. Dennis. Really appreciate the help on the income tax. 20227You wanna help on the audit now? 20228% 20229Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person 20230reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes, 20231nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home. 20232% 20233Hickery Dickery Dock, 20234The mice ran up the clock, 20235The clock struck one, 20236The others escaped with minor injuries. 20237% 20238Hideously disfigured by an ancient Indian curse? 20239 20240 WE CAN HELP! 20241 20242Call (511) 338-0959 for an immediate appointment. 20243% 20244Hier liegt ein Mann ganz ohnegleich; 20245Im Leibe dick, an Suenden reich. 20246Wir haben ihn ins Grab gesteckt, Here lies a man with sundry flaws 20247Weil es uns dunkt er sei verreckt. And numerous Sins upon his head; 20248 We buried him today because 20249 As far as we can tell, he's dead. 20250 20251 -- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty 20252 Sue Bach and written by the local doggeral catcher; 20253 "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele 20254% 20255Higgeldy Piggeldy, 20256Hamlet of Elsinore 20257Ruffled the critics by 20258Dropping this bomb: 20259"Phooey on Freud and his 20260Psychoanalysis, 20261Oedipus, Shmoedipus, 20262I just loved Mom." 20263% 20264Higgins: Doolittle, you're either an honest man or a rogue. 20265Doolittle: A little of both, Guv'nor. Like the rest of us, a 20266 little of both. 20267 -- Shaw, "Pygmalion" 20268% 20269High heels are a device invented by a woman 20270who was tired of being kissed on the forehead. 20271% 20272High Priest: Armaments Chapter One, verses nine through twenty-seven: 20273Bro. Maynard: And Saint Attila raised the Holy Hand Grenade up on high 20274 saying, "Oh Lord, Bless us this Holy Hand Grenade, and with it 20275 smash our enemies to tiny bits." And the Lord did grin, and the 20276 people did feast upon the lambs, and stoats, and orangutans, and 20277 breakfast cereals, and lima bean- 20278High Priest: Skip a bit, brother. 20279Bro. Maynard: And then the Lord spake, saying: "First, shalt thou take 20280 out the holy pin. Then shalt thou count to three. No more, no less. 20281 *Three* shall be the number of the counting, and the number of the 20282 counting shall be three. *Four* shalt thou not count, and neither 20283 count thou two, excepting that thou then goest on to three. Five is 20284 RIGHT OUT. Once the number three, being the third number be reached, 20285 then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade towards thy foe, who, being 20286 naughty in my sight, shall snuff it. Amen. 20287All: Amen. 20288 -- Monty Python, "The Holy Hand Grenade" 20289% 20290HIGH TECHNOLOGY: 20291 A California innovation composed 20292 of equal parts of silicon and marijuana. 20293% 20294Higher education helps your earning capacity. Ask any college professor. 20295% 20296Hildebrant's Principle: 20297 If you don't know where you are going, 20298 any road will get you there. 20299% 20300Him: "Your skin is so soft. Are you a model?" 20301Her: "No," [blush] "I'm a cosmetologist." 20302Him: "Really? That's incredible... 20303 It must be very tough to handle weightlessness." 20304 -- "The Jerk" 20305% 20306Hindsight is always 20:20. 20307 -- Billy Wilder 20308% 20309Hindsight is an exact science. 20310% 20311hippogriff, n: 20312 An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. 20313 The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half 20314 eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter 20315 eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. 20316 The study of zoology is full of surprises. 20317% 20318Hire the morally handicapped. 20319% 20320His designs were strictly honourable, as the phrase is: that is, to rob 20321a lady of her fortune by way of marriage. 20322 -- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones" 20323% 20324...his disciples lead him in; he just does the rest. 20325 -- Tommy 20326% 20327"His eyes were cold. As cold as the bitter winter snow that was falling 20328outside. Yes, cold and therefore difficult to chew..." 20329% 20330His followers called him Mahasamatman and said he was a god. He preferred 20331to drop the Maha- and the -atman, however, and called himself Sam. He never 20332claimed to be a god. But then, he never claimed not to be a god. Circum- 20333stances being what they were, neither admission could be of any benefit. 20334Silence, though, could. It was in the days of the rains that their prayers 20335went up, not from the fingering of knotted prayer cords or the spinning of 20336prayer wheels, but from the great pray-machine in the monastery of Ratri, 20337goddess of the Night. The high-frequency prayers were directed upward through 20338the atmosphere and out beyond it, passing into that golden cloud called the 20339Bridge of the Gods, which circles the entire world, is seen as a bronze 20340rainbow at night and is the place where the red sun becomes orange at midday. 20341Some of the monks doubted the orthodoxy of this prayer technique... 20342 -- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light" 20343% 20344His heart was yours from the first moment that you met. 20345% 20346His ideas of first-aid stopped short of squirting soda water. 20347 -- P.G. Wodehouse 20348% 20349His life was formal; his actions seemed ruled with a ruler. 20350% 20351His mind is like a steel trap: full of mice. 20352 -- Foghorn Leghorn 20353% 20354His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier. 20355% 20356Historians have now definitely established that Juan Cabrillo, discoverer 20357of California, was not looking for Kansas, thus setting a precedent that 20358continues to this day. 20359 -- Wayne Shannon 20360% 20361History books which contain no lies are extremely dull. 20362% 20363History has much to say on following the proper procedures. From a history 20364of the Mexican revolution: 20365 20366 "Hildago was later defeated at Guadalajara. The rebel army was 20367captured on its way through the mountains. All were courtmartialed and 20368shot, except Hildago, because he was a priest. He was handed over to 20369the bishop of Durango who excommunicated him and returned him to the 20370army where he was then executed." 20371% 20372History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion -- 20373i.e. none to speak of. 20374 -- Lazarus Long 20375% 20376History is curious stuff 20377 You'd think by now we had enough 20378Yet the fact remains I fear 20379 They make more of it every year. 20380% 20381History is nothing but a collection of fables and useless trifles, 20382cluttered up with a mass of unnecessary figures and proper names. 20383 -- Leo Tolstoy 20384% 20385History is on our side (as long as we can control the historians). 20386% 20387History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree on. 20388 -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims" 20389% 20390History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history. 20391% 20392History repeats itself -- the first time as a tragi-comedy, the second 20393time as bedroom farce. 20394% 20395History repeats itself only if one does not listen the first time. 20396% 20397History shows that the human mind, fed by constant accessions of knowledge, 20398periodically grows too large for its theoretical coverings, and bursts them 20399asunder to appear in new habiliments, as the feeding and growing grub, at 20400intervals, casts its too narrow skin and assumes another... Truly the imago 20401state of Man seems to be terribly distant, but every moult is a step gained. 20402 -- Charles Darwin, from "Origin of the Species" 20403% 20404Hit them biscuits with another touch of gravy, 20405Burn that sausage just a match or two more done. 20406Pour my black old coffee longer, 20407While that smell is gettin' stronger 20408A semi-meal ain't nuthin' much to want. 20409 20410Loan me ten, I got a feelin' it'll save me, 20411With an ornery soul who don't shoot pool for fun, 20412If that coat'll fit you're wearin', 20413The Lord'll bless your sharin' 20414A semi-friend ain't nuthin' much to want. 20415 20416And let me halfway fall in love, 20417For part of a lonely night, 20418With a semi-pretty woman in my arms. 20419Yes, I could halfway fall in deep-- 20420Into a snugglin', lovin' heap, 20421With a semi-pretty woman in my arms. 20422 -- Elroy Blunt 20423% 20424Hitchcock's Staple Principle: 20425 The stapler runs out of staples 20426 only while you are trying to staple something. 20427% 20428H.L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H.L. Mencken. 20429There is no cure for a disease of that magnitude. 20430 -- Maxwell Bodenhein 20431% 20432H.L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H.L. 20433Mencken -- there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude. 20434 -- Maxwell Bodenheim 20435% 20436H.L. Mencken's Law: 20437 Those who can -- do. 20438 Those who can't -- teach. 20439 20440Martin's Extension: 20441 Those who cannot teach -- administrate. 20442 20443 [No, those who can't teach, teach here. Ed.] 20444% 20445Hlade's Law: 20446 If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- 20447 they will find an easier way to do it. 20448% 20449Hoaars-Faisse Gallery presents: 20450An exhibit of works by the artist known only as Pretzel. 20451 20452The exhibit includes several large conceptual works using non-traditional 20453media and found objects including old sofa-beds, used mace canisters, 20454discarded sanitary napkins and parts of freeways. The artist explores 20455our dehumanization due to high technology and unresponsive governmental 20456structures in a post-industrial world. She/he (the artist prefers to 20457remain without gender) strives to create dialogue between viewer and 20458creator, to aid us in our quest to experience contemporary life with its 20459inner-city tensions, homelessness, global warming and gender and 20460class-based stress. The works are arranged to lead us to the essence of 20461the argument: that the alienation of the person/machine boundary has 20462sapped the strength of our voices and must be destroyed for society to 20463exist in a more fundamental sense. 20464% 20465Hoare's Law of Large Problems: 20466 Inside every large problem is a small 20467 problem struggling to get out. 20468% 20469Hodie natus est radici frater. 20470% 20471Hoffer's Discovery: 20472 The grand act of a dying institution is to issue a newly 20473 revised, enlarged edition of the policies and procedures manual. 20474% 20475Hofstadter's Law: 20476 It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take 20477 Hofstadter's Law into account. 20478% 20479HOGAN'S HEROES DRINKING GAME -- 20480 Take a shot every time: 20481 20482-- Sergeant Schultz says, "I knoooooowww nooooothing!" 20483-- General Burkhalter or Major Hochstetter intimidate/insult Colonel Klink. 20484-- Colonel Klink falls for Colonel Hogan's flattery. 20485-- One of the prisoners sneaks out of camp (one shot for each prisoner to go). 20486-- Colonel Klink snaps to attention after answering the phone (two shots 20487 if it's one of our heroes on the other end). 20488-- One of the Germans is threatened with being sent to the Russian front. 20489-- Corporal Newkirk calls up a German in his phoney German accent, and 20490 tricks him (two shots if it's Colonel Klink). 20491-- Hogan has a romantic interlude with a beautiful girl from the underground. 20492-- Colonel Klink relates how he's never had an escape from Stalag 13. 20493-- Sergeant Schultz gives up a secret (two shots if he's bribed with food). 20494-- The prisoners listen to the Germans' conversation by a hidden transmitter. 20495-- Sergeant Schultz "captures" one of the prisoners after an escape. 20496-- Lebeau pronounces "colonel" as "cuh-loh-`nell". 20497-- Carter builds some kind of device (two shots if it's not explosive). 20498-- Lebeau wears his apron. 20499-- Hogan says "We've got no choice" when the someone claims that the 20500 plan is impossible. 20501-- The prisoners capture an important German, and sneak him out the tunnel. 20502% 20503Hollerith, v: 20504 What thou doest when thy phone is on the fritzeth. 20505% 20506Holy Dilemma! Is this the end for the Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder? 20507Will the Joker and the Riddler have the last laugh? 20508 20509 Tune in again tomorrow: 20510 same Bat-time, same Bat-channel! 20511% 20512HOLY MACRO! 20513% 20514Home is the place where, when you have to go there, 20515they have to take you in. 20516 -- Robert Frost, "The Death of the Hired Man" 20517% 20518Home is where the hurt is. 20519% 20520Home life as we understand it is no more natural to us than a 20521cage is to a cockatoo. 20522 -- George Bernard Shaw 20523% 20524Home on the Range was originally written in beef-flat. 20525% 20526"Home, Sweet Home" must surely have been written by a bachelor. 20527 -- Samuel Butler 20528% 20529Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty. 20530 -- Plato 20531% 20532Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people. 20533 -- F.M. Hubbard 20534% 20535Honesty's the best policy. 20536 -- Miguel de Cervantes 20537% 20538honeymoon, n: 20539 A short period of doting between dating and debting. 20540 -- Ray C. Bandy 20541% 20542Honi soit la vache qui rit. 20543% 20544Honk if you love peace and quiet. 20545% 20546honorable, adj: 20547 Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative 20548 bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; 20549 as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur." 20550% 20551Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper. 20552 -- Francis Bacon 20553% 20554Hope is a waking dream. 20555 -- Aristotle 20556% 20557Hope not, lest ye be disappointed. 20558 -- M. Horner 20559% 20560Hope that the day after you die is a nice day. 20561% 20562Hoping to goodness is not theologically sound. 20563 -- Peanuts 20564% 20565Horace's best ode would not please a young woman as much 20566as the mediocre verses of the young man she is in love with. 20567 -- Moore 20568% 20569Horner's Five Thumb Postulate: 20570 Experience varies directly with equipment ruined. 20571% 20572Horngren's Observation: 20573 Among economists, the real world is often a special case. 20574% 20575Hors d'oeuvres -- a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces. 20576 -- Jack Benny 20577% 20578Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. 20579 -- W.C. Fields 20580% 20581HOST SYSTEM NOT RESPONDING, PROBABLY DOWN. DO YOU WANT TO WAIT? (Y/N) 20582% 20583HOST SYSTEM RESPONDING, PROBABLY UP... 20584% 20585Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they 20586had towels from my house. 20587 -- Mark Guido 20588% 20589Houdini escaping from New Jersey! 20590% 20591Household hint: 20592 If you are out of cream for your coffee, 20593 mayonnaise makes a dandy substitute. 20594% 20595Housework can kill you if done right. 20596 -- Erma Bombeck 20597% 20598Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed. 20599 -- Neil Armstrong 20600% 20601How apt the poor are to be proud. 20602 -- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night" 20603% 20604How can you be in two places at once 20605when you're not anywhere at all? 20606% 20607How can you do 'New Math' problems with an 'Old Math' mind? 20608 -- Schulz 20609% 20610How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese? 20611 -- Charles de Gaulle 20612% 20613How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat? 20614 -- Pink Floyd 20615% 20616How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our 20617thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another 20618in the waking state? 20619 -- Plato 20620% 20621How can you think and hit at the same time? 20622 -- Yogi Berra 20623% 20624How can you work when the system's so crowded? 20625% 20626How come everyone's going so slow if it's called rush hour? 20627% 20628How come financial advisors never seem to be as wealthy as they 20629claim they'll make you? 20630% 20631How come we never talk anymore? 20632% 20633How come wrong numbers are never busy? 20634% 20635How comes it to pass, then, that we appear such cowards 20636in reasoning, and are so afraid to stand the test of ridicule? 20637 -- A. Cooper 20638% 20639How could they think women a recreation? 20640Or the repetition of bodies of steady interest? 20641Only the ignorant or the busy could. That elm 20642of flesh must prove a luxury of primes; 20643be perilous and dear with rain of an alternate earth. 20644Which is not to damn the forested China of touching. 20645I am neither priestly nor tired, and the great knowledge 20646of breasts with their loud nipples congregates in me. 20647The sudden nakedness, the small ribs, the mouth. 20648Splendid. Splendid. Splendid. Like Rome. Like loins. 20649A glamour sufficient to our long marvelous dying. 20650I say sufficient and speak with earned privilege, 20651for my life has been eaten in that foliate city. 20652To ambergris. But not for recreation. 20653I would not have lost so much for recreation. 20654 20655Nor for love as the sweet pretend: the children's game 20656of deliberate ignorance of each to allow the dreaming. 20657Not for the impersonal belly nor the heart's drunkenness 20658have I come this far, stubborn, disasterous way. 20659But for relish of those archipelagoes of person. 20660To hold her in hand, closed as any sparrow, 20661and call and call forever till she turn from bird 20662to blowing woods. From woods to jungle. Persimmon. 20663To light. From light to princess. From princess to woman 20664in all her fresh particularity of difference. 20665Then oh, through the underwater time of night 20666indecent and still, to speak to her without habit. 20667This I have done with my life, and am content. 20668I wish I could tell you how it is in that dark, 20669standing in the huge singing and the alien world. 20670 -- Jack Gilbert, "Don Giovanni on his way to Hell" 20671% 20672How do you explain school to a higher intelligence? 20673 -- Elliot, "E.T." 20674% 20675"How do you know she is a unicorn?" Molly demanded. "And why were you afraid 20676to let her touch you? I saw you. You were afraid of her." 20677 "I doubt that I will feel like talking for very long," the cat 20678replied without rancor. "I would not waste time in foolishness if I were 20679you. As to your first question, no cat out of its first fur can ever be 20680deceived by appearances. Unlike human beings, who enjoy them. As for your 20681second question --" Here he faltered, and suddenly became very interested 20682in washing; nor would he speak until he had licked himself fluffy and then 20683licked himself smooth again. Even then he would not look at Molly, but 20684examined his claws. 20685 "If she had touched me," he said very softly, "I would have been 20686hers and not my own, not ever again." 20687 -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn" 20688% 20689How doth the little crocodile 20690 Improve his shining tail, 20691And pour the waters of the Nile 20692 On every golden scale! 20693 20694How cheerfully he seems to grin, 20695 How neatly spreads his claws, 20696And welcomes little fishes in, 20697 With gently smiling jaws! 20698% 20699How doth the VAX's C-compiler 20700 Improve its object code. 20701And even as we speak does it 20702 Increase the system load. 20703 20704How patiently it seems to run 20705 And spit out error flags, 20706While users, with frustration, all 20707 Tear their clothes to rags. 20708% 20709How is the world ruled, and how do wars start? Diplomats tell lies to 20710journalists, and they believe what they read. 20711 -- Karl Kraus, "Aphorisms and More Aphorisms" 20712% 20713How kind of you to be willing to live someone's life for them. 20714% 20715How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on. 20716% 20717How many "coming men" has one known! Where on earth do they all go to? 20718 -- Sir Arthur Wing Pinero 20719% 20720How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being carried by 20721a waiter at a nice party? 20722 Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors 20723d'oeuvre. If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell what's 20724inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then say: "This is 20725cheese! I hate cheese!" Then you put the rest of it back on the tray and 20726bite another one and go, "Darn it! Another cheese!" and so on. 20727 -- Dave Barry 20728% 20729How many priests are needed for a Boston Mass? 20730% 20731How many weeks are there in a light year? 20732% 20733How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to Dayton? 20734 -- UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey, Brian Boyle 20735% 20736How much does she love you? 20737Less than you'll ever know. 20738% 20739How much for your women? I want to buy your 20740daughter... how much for the little girl? 20741 -- Jake Blues, "The Blues Brothers" 20742% 20743How much net work could a network work, if a network could net work? 20744% 20745How much of their influence on you is a result of your influence on them? 20746% 20747How often I found where I should be going 20748only by setting out for somewhere else. 20749 -- R. Buckminster Fuller 20750% 20751How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent. 20752% 20753How sharper than a serpent's tooth is a sister's "See?" 20754 -- Linus Van Pelt 20755% 20756How to Raise Your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children 20757 -- Book title by Lewis B. Frumkes 20758% 20759How untasteful can you get? 20760% 20761How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers. 20762% 20763How you look depends on where you go. 20764% 20765However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity 20766in my traditional manner... sulking and nausea. 20767 -- Tom K. Ryan 20768% 20769However, on religious issues there can be little or no compromise. There 20770is no position on which people are so immovable as their religious beliefs. 20771There is no more powerful ally one can claim in a debate than Jesus Christ, 20772or God, or Allah, or whatever one calls this supreme being. But like any 20773powerful weapon, the use of God's name on one's behalf should be used 20774sparingly. The religious factions that are growing throughout our land are 20775not using their religious clout with wisdom. They are trying to force 20776government leaders into following their position 100 percent. If you disagree 20777with these religious groups on a particular moral issue, they complain, they 20778threaten you with a loss of money or votes or both. I'm frankly sick and 20779tired of the political preachers across this country telling me as a citizen 20780that if I want to be a moral person, I must believe in "A," "B," "C," and 20781"D." Just who do they think they are? And from where do they presume to 20782claim the right to dictate their moral beliefs to me? And I am even more 20783angry as a legislator who must endure the threats of every religious group 20784who thinks it has some God-granted right to control my vote on every roll 20785call in the Senate. I am warning them today: I will fight them every step 20786of the way if they try to dictate their moral convictions to all Americans 20787in the name of "conservatism." 20788 -- Senator Barry Goldwater, Congressional Record 20789% 20790HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., motion 20791that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate amendment making 20792changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. The Senate amendment 20793was an amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the House 20794amendment to the Senate amendment to the bill. The original Senate amendment 20795was the conference agreement on the bill. Agreed to. 20796 -- Albuquerque Journal 20797% 20798Hubbard's Law: 20799 Don't take life too seriously; 20800 you won't get out of it alive. 20801% 20802Hug me now, you mad, impetuous fool!! 20803Oh wait... 20804I'm a computer, and you're a person. It would never work out. 20805Never mind. 20806% 20807Huh? 20808% 20809Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill. 20810% 20811Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in 1929. 20812Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an operating 20813table to prevent her interference, he placed a ureteral catheter into 20814a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of his heart], and 20815walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took the confirmatory 20816x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the Nobel Prize. 20817% 20818Human kind cannot bear very much reality. 20819 -- T.S. Eliot, "Four Quartets: Burnt Norton" 20820% 20821Human resources are human first, and resources second. 20822 -- J. Garbers 20823% 20824Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober, 20825responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and 20826immature. 20827 -- Tom Robbins 20828% 20829Humans are communications junkies. We just can't get enough. 20830 -- Alan Kay 20831% 20832Humility is the first of the virtues -- for other people. 20833 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes 20834% 20835Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs. 20836% 20837Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse. 20838 -- William Gilbert 20839% 20840Humorists always sit at the children's table. 20841 -- Woody Allen 20842% 20843"Humpf!" Humpfed a voice! "For almost two days you've run wild and insisted on 20844chatting with persons who've never existed. Such carryings-on in our peaceable 20845jungle! We've had quite enough of you bellowing bungle! And I'm here to 20846state," snapped the big kangaroo, "That your silly nonsensical game is all 20847through!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "Me, too!" 20848 "With the help of the Wickersham Brothers and dozens of Wickersham 20849Uncles and Wickersham Cousins and Wickersham In-Laws, whose help I've engaged, 20850You're going to be roped! And you're going to be caged! And, as for your 20851dust speck... Hah! That we shall boil in a hot steaming kettle of Beezle-But 20852oil!" 20853 -- Dr. Seuss "Horton Hears a Who" 20854% 20855Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall, 20856Humpty Dumpty had a great fall! 20857All the king's horses, 20858And all the king's men, 20859Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again! 20860% 20861Humpty Dumpty was pushed. 20862% 20863Hurewitz's Memory Principle: 20864 The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional 20865 to... to... uh..... 20866% 20867I: 20868 The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin 20869 with a silk sow. The same is true of money. 20870II: 20871 If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it would 20872 probably be twice as good as yesterday was. 20873III: 20874 There are no lazy veteran lion hunters. 20875IV: 20876 If you can afford to advertise, you don't need to. 20877V: 20878 One-tenth of the participants produce over one-third of the output. 20879 Increasing the number of participants merely reduces the average 20880 output. 20881 -- Norman Augustine 20882% 20883I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. 20884There's a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't seem to work. 20885 -- Gallagher 20886% 20887I accept chaos. I am not sure whether it accepts me. I know some people 20888are terrified of the bomb. But then some people are terrified to be seen 20889carrying a modern screen magazine. Experience teaches us that silence 20890terrifies people the most. 20891 -- Bob Dylan 20892% 20893I acted to show my love for Jodie Foster. 20894 -- John Hinckley 20895% 20896I ain't got no quarrel with them Viet Congs. 20897 -- Muhammad Ali 20898% 20899I allow the world to live as it chooses, 20900and I allow myself to live as I choose. 20901% 20902I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a professor 20903or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any other minority 20904viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority. 20905 -- Richard M. Nixon 20906 20907What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism? 20908 -- Richard M. Nixon 20909% 20910I always choose my friends for their good looks and my enemies for their 20911good intellects. Man cannot be too careful in his choice of enemies. 20912 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray" 20913% 20914I always had a repulsive need to be something more than human. 20915 -- David Bowie 20916% 20917I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. 20918It is never any good to oneself. 20919 -- Oscar Wilde, "An Ideal Husband" 20920% 20921I always say beauty is only sin deep. 20922 -- Saki, "Reginald's Choir Treat" 20923% 20924I always turn to the sports pages first, which record people's 20925accomplishments. The front page has nothing but man's failures. 20926 -- Chief Justice Earl Warren 20927% 20928I always wake up at the crack of ice. 20929 -- Joe E. Lewis 20930% 20931I always will remember -- I was in no mood to trifle; 20932'Twas a year ago November -- I got down my trusty rifle 20933I went out to shoot some deer And went out to stalk my prey -- 20934On a morning bright and clear. What a haul I made that day! 20935I went and shot the maximum I tied them to my bumper and 20936The game laws would allow: I drove them home somehow, 20937Two game wardens, seven hunters, Two game wardens, seven hunters, 20938And a cow. And a cow. 20939 20940The Law was very firm, it People ask me how I do it 20941Took away my permit-- And I say, "There's nothin' to it! 20942The worst punishment I ever endured. You just stand there lookin' cute, 20943It turns out there was a reason: And when something moves, you shoot." 20944Cows were out of season, and And there's ten stuffed heads 20945One of the hunters wasn't insured. In my trophy room right now: 20946 Two game wardens, seven hunters, 20947 And a pure-bred gurnsey cow. 20948 -- Tom Lehrer, "The Hunting Song" 20949% 20950I am a bookaholic. If you are a decent 20951person, you will not sell me another book. 20952% 20953I am a computer. 20954I am dumber than any human and smarter than any administrator. 20955% 20956I am a conscientious man, when I throw 20957rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned. 20958 -- Ogden Nash, "Everybody's Mind to Me a Kingdom Is" 20959% 20960I am a deeply superficial person. 20961 -- Andy Warhol 20962% 20963I am a friend of the working man, and I would rather be his friend 20964than be one. 20965 -- Clarence Darrow 20966% 20967I am a man: nothing human is alien to me. 20968 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) 20969% 20970I am America's child, a spastic slogging on demented 20971limbs drooling I'll trade my PhD for a telephone voice. 20972 -- Burt Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance" 20973% 20974I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else. 20975 -- Winston Churchill 20976% 20977I am changing my name to Chrysler 20978I am going down to Washington, D.C. 20979I will tell some power broker 20980 What they did for Iacocca 20981Will be perfectly acceptable to me! 20982 20983I am changing my name to Chrysler, 20984I am heading for that great receiving line. 20985When they hand a million grand out, 20986 I'll be standing with my hand out, 20987Yessir, I'll get mine! 20988% 20989I am convinced that the truest act of courage is to sacrifice ourselves 20990for others in a totally nonviolent struggle for justice. To be a man 20991is to suffer for others. 20992 -- Cesar Chavez 20993% 20994I am fairly unrepentant about her poetry. I really think that three 20995quarters of it is gibberish. However, I must crush down these thoughts 20996otherwise the dove of peace will shit on me. 20997 -- Noel Coward on Edith Sitwell 20998% 20999I am firm. You are obstinate. He is a pig-headed fool. 21000 -- Katharine Whitehorn 21001% 21002I am getting into abstract painting. Real abstract -- no brush, no canvas, 21003I just think about it. I just went to an art museum where all of the art 21004was done by children. All the paintings were hung on refrigerators. 21005 -- Steven Wright 21006% 21007I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, of 21008pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell you 21009that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial atomic 21010globule. Consequently, my family pride is something inconceivable. I 21011can't help it. I was born sneering. 21012 -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado" 21013% 21014I am just a nice, clean-cut Mongolian boy. 21015 -- Yul Brynner, 1956 21016% 21017I am looking for a honest man. 21018 -- Diogenes the Cynic 21019% 21020I am NOMAD! 21021% 21022I am not a crook. 21023 -- Richard Nixon 21024% 21025I am not a politician and my other habits are also good. 21026 -- A. Ward 21027% 21028I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today. 21029 -- William Allen White 21030% 21031I am not an Economist. I am an honest man! 21032 -- Paul McCracken 21033% 21034I am not now and never have been a girl friend of Henry Kissinger. 21035 -- Gloria Steinem 21036% 21037I am professionally trained in computer science, which is to say 21038(in all seriousness) that I am extremely poorly educated. 21039 -- Joseph Weizenbaum, "Computer Power and Human Reason" 21040% 21041I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared 21042for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. 21043 -- W. Churchill 21044% 21045I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone 21046has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. 21047 -- Professor Lowd, English, Ohio University 21048% 21049I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater. 21050% 21051I am the wandering glitch -- catch me if you can. 21052% 21053I am two fools, I know, for loving, and for saying so. 21054 -- John Donne 21055% 21056I am two with nature. 21057 -- Woody Allen 21058% 21059I am very fond of the company of ladies. I like their beauty, 21060I like their delicacy, I like their vivacity, and I like their silence. 21061 -- Samuel Johnson 21062% 21063I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of the 21064sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for you are 21065loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway. 21066 -- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy, 21067 University of Tennessee at Knoxville 21068% 21069I asked the engineer who designed the communication terminal's keyboards 21070why these were not manufactured in a central facility, in view of the 21071small number needed [1 per month] in his factory. He explained that this 21072would be contrary to the political concept of local self-sufficiency. 21073Therefore, each factory needing keyboards, no matter how few, manufactures 21074them completely, even molding the keypads. 21075 -- Isaac Auerbach, IEEE "Computer", Nov. 1979 21076% 21077I attribute my success to intelligence, guts, determination, honesty, 21078ambition, and having enough money to buy people with those qualities. 21079% 21080I B M 21081U B M 21082We all B M 21083For I B M!!!! 21084 -- H.A.R.L.I.E. 21085% 21086I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. 21087 -- Gilda Radner 21088% 21089I began many years ago, as so many young men do, in searching for the 21090perfect woman. I believed that if I looked long enough, and hard enough, 21091I would find her and then I would be secure for life. Well, the years 21092and romances came and went, and I eventually ended up settling for someone 21093a lot less than my idea of perfection. But one day, after many years 21094together, I lay there on our bed recovering from a slight illness. My 21095wife was sitting on a chair next to the bed, humming softly and watching 21096the late afternoon sun filtering through the trees. The only sounds to 21097be heard elsewhere were the clock ticking, the kettle downstairs starting 21098to boil, and an occasional schoolchild passing beneath our window. And 21099as I looked up into my wife's now wrinkled face, but still warm and 21100twinkling eyes, I realized something about perfection... It comes only 21101with time. 21102 -- James L. Collymore, "Perfect Woman" 21103% 21104I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life, 21105particularly if he has income and she is pattable. 21106 -- Ogden Nash 21107% 21108I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute 21109-- where no Catholic prelate would tell the president (should he be Catholic) 21110how to act, and no Protestant minister would tell his parishioners for whom 21111to vote -- where no church or church school is granted any public funds or 21112political preference -- and where no man is denied public office merely 21113because his religion differs from the president who might appoint him or 21114the people who might elect him. 21115 -- John F. Kennedy 21116% 21117I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean. 21118 -- G.K. Chesterton 21119% 21120I believe in sex and death -- two experiences that come once in a lifetime. 21121 -- Woody Allen 21122% 21123I believe that professional wrestling is clean 21124and everything else in the world is fixed. 21125 -- Frank Deford, sports writer 21126% 21127I believe that the moment is near when by a procedure of active paranoiac 21128thought, it will be possible to systematize confusion and contribute to the 21129total discrediting of the world of reality. 21130 -- Salvador Dali 21131% 21132I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat. 21133 -- Will Rogers 21134% 21135I bet the human brain is a kludge. 21136 -- Marvin Minsky 21137% 21138I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on 21139the same day. Then that night, they burned the wheel. 21140 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 21141% 21142I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would always 21143end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy brows." Then they would get 21144embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and 21145they'd get mad and eat the snowman. 21146 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 21147% 21148I bet you have fun chasing the soap around the bathtub. 21149 -- Princess Diana, to a one-armed war veteran during 21150 a visit to a London veterans hospital 21151% 21152I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. 21153 -- Stephen Wright 21154% 21155I braved the contempt of my friends last week and ventured out to see 21156Bambi, the Disney rerelease that is proving to be a hit once again in the 21157box office. I was looking forward to a gentle, soothing, late afternoon 21158relief from the Washington Summer. Instead I was traumatized. As a 21159psycho-sexual return to the horrors of early adolescence, it couldn't be 21160more effective. For the first half-hour, you're lulled into an agreeable 21161sense of security and comfort. Birds twitter; small rabbits turn out to 21162be great conversationalists. Pop is what Senator Moynihan would describe 21163as an absent father, but Mom's there to make you feel OK in the odd 21164thunderstorm. You make great friends, fool around on the ice, discover 21165the meadow, generally mellow out. Then, without any particular warning, 21166your mom gets shot, your voice breaks, huge growths start appearing on 21167your head, and your peers start heading off into the clover with the 21168apparent intention of having sex. Next thing you know, the forest burns 21169down. If I were still eight, I think I'd prefer Rambo III. 21170 -- Townsend Davis 21171% 21172I call them as I see them. If I can't see them, I make them up. 21173 -- Biff Barf 21174% 21175I called my parents the other night, but I forgot about the time difference. 21176They're still living in the fifties. 21177 -- Strange de Jim 21178% 21179I came, I saw, I deleted all your files. 21180% 21181I came out of twelve years of college and I didn't even know how to sew. 21182All I could do was account -- I couldn't even account for myself. 21183 -- Firesign Theatre 21184% 21185I came to MIT to get an education for myself and a diploma for my mother. 21186% 21187I can give you my word, but I know what it's worth and you don't. 21188 -- Nero Wolfe, "Over My Dead Body" 21189% 21190I can hire one half of the working class to kill the other half. 21191 -- Jay Gould 21192% 21193I can mend the break of day, heal a broken heart, 21194and provide temporary relief to nymphomaniacs. 21195 -- Larry Lee 21196% 21197I can relate to that. 21198% 21199I can resist anything but temptation. 21200% 21201I can see him a'comin' 21202With his big boots on, 21203With his big thumb out, 21204He wants to get me. 21205He wants to hurt me. 21206He wants to bring me down. 21207But some time later, 21208When I feel a little straighter, 21209I'll come across a stranger 21210Who'll remind me of the danger, 21211And then.... I'll run him over. 21212Pretty smart on my part! 21213To find my way... In the dark! 21214 -- Phil Ochs 21215% 21216I can write better than anybody who can write faster, 21217and I can write faster than anybody who can write better. 21218 -- A.J. Liebling 21219% 21220I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions. 21221 -- Lillian Hellman 21222% 21223I cannot believe that God plays dice with the cosmos. 21224 -- Albert Einstein, on the randomness of quantum mechanics 21225% 21226I cannot draw a cart, nor eat dried oats; 21227If it be man's work I will do it. 21228% 21229I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest. 21230 -- Steven Pearl 21231% 21232I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. 21233 -- Joe Walsh 21234% 21235I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling. 21236 -- Florence Henderson 21237% 21238I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver. 21239 -- Phil Harris 21240% 21241I Can't Get Over You, So I Get Up and Go Around to the Other Side 21242If You Won't Leave Me Alone, I'll Find Someone Who Will 21243I Knew That You'd Committed a Sin When You Came Home Late With 21244 Your Socks Outside-in 21245I'm a Rabbit in the Headlights of Your Love 21246Don't Kick My Tires If You Ain't Gonna Take Me For a Ride 21247I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well 21248I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better 21249I've Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies and I'm Blue All the Time 21250 -- proposed Country-Western song titles from "Wordplay" 21251% 21252I can't mate in captivity. 21253 -- Gloria Steinem, on why she has never married. 21254% 21255I can't seem to bring myself to say, "Well, I guess I'll be toddling along." 21256It isn't that I can't toddle. It's that I can't guess I'll toddle. 21257 -- Robert Benchley 21258% 21259I can't stand squealers; hit that guy. 21260 -- Albert Anastasia 21261% 21262I can't stand this proliferation of paperwork. It's useless to fight the 21263forms. You've got to kill the people producing them. 21264 -- Vladimir Kabaidze, general director of the Ivanovo Machine 21265 Building Works (near Moscow) in a speech to the Communist 21266 Party Conference 21267% 21268I can't understand it. 21269I can't even understand the people who can understand it. 21270 -- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands 21271% 21272I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a 21273novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. 21274 -- Fred Allen 21275% 21276I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas. 21277I'm frightened of the old ones. 21278 -- John Cage 21279% 21280I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his 21281keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating 21282up a child. 21283 -- Stephen Wright 21284% 21285I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time 21286a woman got pregnant, someone left town. 21287 -- Michael Prichard 21288% 21289I consider a new device or technology to have been 21290culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder. 21291 -- M. Gallaher 21292% 21293I consider the day misspent that I am not 21294either charged with a crime, or arrested for one. 21295 -- "Ratsy" Tourbillon 21296% 21297I could never learn to like her -- 21298except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight. 21299 -- Mark Twain 21300% 21301I couldn't possibly fail to disagree with you less. 21302% 21303I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps the 21304time I found out that M&Ms really DO melt in your hand. 21305 -- Peter Oakley 21306% 21307I despise the pleasure of pleasing people whom I despise. 21308% 21309I didn't believe in reincarnation in any of my other lives. I don't see why 21310I should have to believe in it in this one. 21311 -- Strange de Jim 21312% 21313I didn't do it! Nobody saw me do it! Can't prove anything! 21314 -- Bart Simpson 21315% 21316I didn't get sophisticated -- I just got tired. 21317But maybe that's what sophisticated is -- being tired. 21318 -- Rita Gain 21319% 21320I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British. 21321% 21322I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions. 21323The curtain was up. 21324% 21325"I didn't order any WOO-WOO... Maybe a YUBBA... But no WOO-WOO!" 21326 -- Zippy the Pinhead 21327% 21328I disagree with what you say, but will defend 21329to the death your right to tell such LIES! 21330% 21331I distrust a close-mouthed man. He generally picks the wrong time to talk 21332and says the wrong things. Talking's something you can't do judiciously, 21333unless you keep in practice. Now, sir, we'll talk if you like. I'll tell 21334you right out, I'm a man who likes talking to a man who likes to talk. 21335 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon" 21336% 21337I distrust a man who says when. If he's got to be careful not to drink 21338too much, it's because he's not to be trusted when he does. 21339 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon" 21340% 21341I do desire we may be better strangers. 21342 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It" 21343% 21344I do enjoy a good long walk -- especially when my wife takes one. 21345% 21346I do hate sums. There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an 21347exact science. There are permutations and aberrations discernible to minds 21348entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary accountants fail 21349to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a mind like mine to 21350perceive. For instance, if you add a sum from the bottom up, and then again 21351from the top down, the result is always different. 21352 -- Mrs. La Touche 21353% 21354I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman 21355Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant Church, 21356nor by any Church that I know of. My own mind is my own Church. 21357 -- Thomas Paine 21358% 21359I do not care if half the league strikes. Those who do will encounter 21360quick retribution. All will be suspended, and I don't care if it wrecks 21361the National League for five years. This is the United States of America 21362and one citizen has as much right to play as another. 21363 -- Ford Frick, National League President, reacting to a 21364 threatened strike by some Cardinal players in 1947 if 21365 Jackie Robinson took the field against St. Louis. The 21366 Cardinals backed down and played. 21367% 21368I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. 21369 -- Isaac Asimov 21370% 21371I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with 21372sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use. 21373 -- Galileo Galilei 21374% 21375I do not know myself and God forbid that I should. 21376 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 21377% 21378I do not know where to find in any literature, whether ancient or modern, 21379any adequate account of that nature with which I am acquainted. Mythology 21380comes nearest to it of any. 21381 -- Henry David Thoreau 21382% 21383I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a 21384butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man. 21385 -- Chuang-tzu 21386% 21387I do not remember ever having seen a sustained argument by an author which, 21388starting from philosophical premises likely to meet with general acceptance, 21389reached the conclusion that a praiseworthy ordering of one's life is to 21390devote it to research in mathematics. 21391 -- Sir Edmund Whittaker, "Scientific American", Vol. 183 21392% 21393I do not seek the ignorant; the ignorant seek me -- I will instruct them. 21394I ask nothing but sincerity. If they come out of habit, they become 21395tiresome. 21396 -- I Ching 21397% 21398I do not take drugs -- I am drugs. 21399 -- Salvador Dali 21400% 21401I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an 21402Aquarius, and Aquarians don't believe in astrology. 21403 -- James Quirk 21404% 21405I don't care how poor and inefficient a little country is; they like to 21406run their own business. I know men that would make my wife a better 21407husband than I am; but, darn it, I'm not going to give her to 'em. 21408 -- The Best of Will Rogers 21409% 21410I don't care what star you're following, get that camel off my front lawn! 21411 -- Heard in Bethlehem 21412% 21413I don't care where I sit as long as I get fed. 21414 -- Calvin Trillin 21415% 21416I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't 21417deserve that either. 21418 -- Jack Benny 21419% 21420I don't do it for the money. 21421 -- Donald Trump, Art of the Deal 21422% 21423I don't drink, I don't like it, it makes me feel too good. 21424 -- K. Coates 21425% 21426I don't even butter my bread. I consider that cooking. 21427 -- Katherine Cebrian 21428% 21429I don't get no respect. 21430% 21431I don't have an eating problem. I eat. 21432I get fat. I buy new clothes. No problem. 21433% 21434I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem. 21435 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 21436% 21437I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got 21438hundreds of people waiting to abuse me. 21439 -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters" 21440% 21441I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above 21442globes. They freak out and yell "Whooa, I'm *way* too high." 21443 -- Bruce Baum 21444% 21445I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to. 21446 -- Elvis Presley 21447% 21448I don't know what Descartes' got, 21449But booze can do what Kant cannot. 21450 -- Mike Cross 21451% 21452I don't know who my grandfather was; I am much 21453more concerned to know what his grandson will be. 21454 -- Abraham Lincoln 21455% 21456I don't know why anyone would want a computer in their home. 21457 -- Ken Olson, president of DEC, 1974 21458% 21459I don't know why we're here, I say we all go home and free associate. 21460% 21461I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, 21462because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I'd just hate it. 21463 -- Clarence Darrow 21464% 21465I don't like the Dutchman. He's a crocodile. He's sneaky. 21466I don't trust him. 21467 -- Jack "Legs" Diamond, just before a peace conference 21468 with Dutch Schultz. 21469 21470I don't trust Legs. He's nuts. He gets excited and starts pulling a 21471trigger like another guy wipes his nose. 21472 -- Dutch Schultz, just before a peace conference with 21473 "Legs" Diamond. 21474% 21475I don't make the rules, Gil, I only play the game. 21476 -- Cash McCall 21477% 21478I don't mind arguing with myself. 21479It's when I lose that it bothers me. 21480 -- Richard Powers 21481% 21482I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the 21483streets and frighten the horses. 21484 -- Victor Hugo 21485% 21486I don't need no arms around me... 21487I don't need no drugs to calm me... 21488I have seen the writing on the wall. 21489Don't think I need anything at all. 21490No! Don't think I need anything at all! 21491All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall. 21492All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall. 21493 -- Pink Floyd, "Another Brick in the Wall", Part III 21494% 21495I don't remember it, but I have it written down. 21496% 21497I don't see what's wrong with giving Bobby a little experience before 21498he starts to practice law. 21499 -- John F. Kennedy, upon appointing his brother 21500 Attorney-General. 21501% 21502I DON'T THINK I'M ALONE when I say I'd like to see more and more planets 21503fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system. 21504 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 21505% 21506I don't think they are going to give a shit about the Republican 21507Committee trying to bug the Democratic Committee's headquarters. 21508 -- Richard Nixon, 1972 21509% 21510"I don't understand," said the scientist, "why you lemmings all rush down 21511to the sea and drown yourselves." 21512 21513"How curious," said the lemming. "The one thing I don't understand is why 21514you human beings don't." 21515 -- James Thurber 21516% 21517I don't understand you anymore. 21518% 21519I don't wanna argue, and I don't wanna fight, 21520But there will definitely be a party tonight... 21521% 21522I don't want a pickle, 21523I just wanna ride on my motorcycle. 21524And I don't want to die, 21525I just want to ride on my motorcycle. 21526 -- Arlo Guthrie 21527% 21528I don't want people to love me. It makes for obligations. 21529 -- Jean Anouilh 21530% 21531I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. 21532I want to achieve immortality through not dying. 21533 -- Woody Allen 21534% 21535I don't want to bore you, but there's nobody else around for me to bore. 21536% 21537I don't want to live on in my work, I want to live on in my apartment. 21538 -- Woody Allen 21539% 21540I don't wish to appear overly inquisitive, but are you still alive? 21541% 21542I dote on his very absence. 21543 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" 21544% 21545I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business on 21546earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment he has 21547succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual becoming, with a 21548goal in front and not behind. 21549 -- George Bernard Shaw 21550% 21551I drink to make other people interesting. 21552 -- George Jean Nathan 21553% 21554I either want less decadence or more chance to participate in it. 21555% 21556I enjoy the time that we spend together. 21557% 21558I exist, therefore I am paid. 21559% 21560I fear explanations explanatory of things explained. 21561% 21562I feel sorry for your brain... all alone in that great big head... 21563% 21564I fell asleep reading a dull book, 21565and I dreamt that I was reading on, 21566so I woke up from sheer boredom. 21567% 21568I figure that if God actually does exist, He's big enough to understand an 21569honest difference of opinion. 21570 - Isaac Asimov 21571% 21572I finally went to the eye doctor. I got contacts. 21573I only need them to read, so I got flip-ups. 21574 -- Steven Wright 21575% 21576I find this corpse guilty of carrying a concealed weapon and I fine it $40. 21577 -- Judge Roy Bean, finding a pistol and $40 on a man he'd 21578 just shot. 21579% 21580I found Rome a city of bricks and left it a city of marble. 21581 -- Augustus Caesar 21582% 21583I gave my love an Apple, that had no core; 21584I gave my love a building, that had no floor; 21585I wrote my love a program, that had no end; 21586I gave my love an upgrade, with no cryin'. 21587 21588How can there be an Apple, that has no core? 21589How can there be a building, that has no floor? 21590How can there be a program, that has no end? 21591How can there be an upgrade, with no cryin'? 21592 21593An Apple's MOS memory don't use no core! 21594A building that's perfect, it has no flaw! 21595A program with GOTOs, it has no end! 21596I lied about the upgrade, with no cryin'! 21597% 21598I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it. 21599 -- Mae West 21600% 21601I get my exercise acting as pallbearer to my friends who exercise. 21602 -- Chauncey Depew 21603% 21604I get up each morning, gather my wits. 21605Pick up the paper, read the obits. 21606If I'm not there I know I'm not dead. 21607So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed. 21608 21609Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent? 21610My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went. 21611But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin, 21612And think of the places my get-up has been. 21613 -- Pete Seeger 21614% 21615I give you the man who -- the man who -- uh, I forgets the man who? 21616 -- Beauregard Bugleboy 21617% 21618I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs. 21619 -- H.L. Mencken 21620% 21621I go the way that Providence dictates. 21622 -- Adolf Hitler 21623% 21624"I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me... I 21625pushed '1' and he just stood there... I said 'Hi, where you going?' He 21626said, 'Phoenix.' So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors 21627opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... we were in downtown Phoenix. I looked 21628at him and said 'You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around 21629with.' We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert. 21630Then the phone rang. He said 'You get it.' I picked it up and said 21631'Hello?'... the other side said 'Is this Steven Wright?'... I said 'Yes...' 21632The guy said 'Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank... 21633It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you 21634attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you... we 21635would just like to know what happened to the money?' I said, 'Mr. Jones, 21636I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick, 21637and with it he built a nuclear weapon... and I would appreciate it you never 21638called me again." 21639 -- Stephen Wright 21640% 21641I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now 21642when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and 21643farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go." 21644 -- Steven Wright 21645% 21646I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were 21647wearing masks for. 21648 -- James Boren 21649% 21650I got this powdered water -- now I don't know what to add. 21651 -- Steven Wright 21652% 21653I got tired of listening to the recording on the phone at the movie 21654theater. So I bought the album. I got kicked out of a theater the 21655other day for bringing my own food in. I argued that the concession 21656stand prices were outrageous. Besides, I hadn't had a barbecue in a 21657long time. I went to the theater and the sign said adults $5 children 21658$2.50. I told them I wanted 2 boys and a girl. I once took a cab to 21659a drive-in movie. The movie cost me $95. 21660 -- Steven Wright 21661% 21662I got vision, and the rest of the world wears bifocals. 21663 -- Butch Cassidy 21664% 21665I GUESS I KINDA LOST CONTROL because in the middle of the play I ran up 21666and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. 21667 21668No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to illustrate one of the 21669human emotions which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when 21670you kill someone for money or something like that. Another emotion is 21671generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid 21672puppet. 21673 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 21674% 21675I GUESS I'LL NEVER FORGET HER. And maybe I don't want to. Her spirit 21676was wild, like a wild monkey. Her beauty was like a beautiful horse 21677being ridden by a wild monkey. I forget her other qualities. 21678 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 21679% 21680I guess I've been so wrapped up in playing the game that I never took 21681time enough to figure out where the goal line was -- what it meant to 21682win -- or even how you won. 21683 -- Cash McCall 21684% 21685I guess I've been wrong all my life, but so have billions of 21686other people... Certainty is just an emotion. 21687 -- Hal Clement 21688% 21689I GUESS OF ALL MY UNCLES, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him 21690Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat 21691one of us. Later, we found out he was a bear. 21692 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 21693% 21694I guess the Little League is even littler than we thought. 21695 -- D. Cavett 21696% 21697I GUESS WE WERE ALL GUILTY, in a way. We shot him, we skinned him, and 21698we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob." 21699 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 21700% 21701I had a dream last night... 21702I dreamt about 1976. 21703I dreamt about a country with incurable brain damage... 21704I even dreamt they gave it a heart transplant. 21705Then I woke up and I knew it was only a nightmare... 21706so I went back to sleep again. 21707 -- Ralph Steadman, "Fear and Loathing '72" 21708% 21709I had a feeling once about mathematics -- that I saw it all. Depth beyond 21710depth was revealed to me -- the Byss and the Abyss. I saw -- as one might 21711see the transit of Venus or even the Lord Mayor's Show -- a quantity passing 21712through infinity and changing its sign from plus to minus. I saw exactly 21713why it happened and why tergiversation was inevitable -- but it was after 21714dinner and I let it go. 21715 -- Winston Churchill 21716% 21717I had a virgin once. I had to go to Guatemala for her. She was blind 21718in one eye, and she had a stuffed alligator that said, "Welcome to Miami 21719Beach." 21720 -- The Stunt Man 21721% 21722I had another dream the other day about government financial management 21723people. They were small and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they 21724had stepped out of a painting by Goya. 21725% 21726I had another dream the other day about music critics. They were small 21727and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they had stepped out of a 21728painting by Goya. 21729 -- Stravinsky 21730% 21731I had never been too political, but I knew how white people treated black 21732people and it was hard for me to come back to the bullshit white people 21733put a black person through in this country. To realize you don't have any 21734power to make things different is a bitch. 21735 -- Miles Davis 21736% 21737I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet, 21738so I took his shoes. 21739 -- Dave Barry 21740% 21741I had the rare misfortune of being one of the first people to try and 21742implement a PL/1 compiler. 21743 -- T. Cheatham 21744% 21745I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense. 21746% 21747I hate babies. They're so human. 21748 -- H.H. Munro 21749% 21750I hate dying. 21751 -- Dave Johnson 21752% 21753I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means 21754it's going to be up all night. 21755 -- Steven Wright 21756% 21757I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, 21758and I know how bad I am. 21759 -- Samuel Johnson 21760% 21761I hate quotations. 21762 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 21763% 21764I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park 21765there's nothing else to do. 21766 -- Lenny Bruce 21767% 21768I hate trolls. Maybe I could metamorph it into something else -- like a 21769ravenous, two-headed, fire-breathing dragon. 21770 -- Willow 21771% 21772I have a box of telephone rings under my bed. Whenever I get lonely, I 21773open it up a little bit, and I get a phone call. One day I dropped the 21774box all over the floor. The phone wouldn't stop ringing. I had to get 21775it disconnected. So I got a new phone. I didn't have much money, so I 21776had to get an irregular. It doesn't have a five. I ran into a friend 21777of mine on the street the other day. He said why don't you give me a 21778call. I told him I can't call everybody I want to anymore, my phone 21779doesn't have a five. He asked how long had it been that way. I said I 21780didn't know -- my calendar doesn't have any sevens. 21781 -- S. Wright 21782% 21783I have a dog; I named him Stay. So when I'd go to call him, I'd say, "Here, 21784Stay, here..." but he got wise to that. Now when I call him he ignores me 21785and just keeps on typing. 21786 -- Stephen Wright 21787% 21788I have a dream. I have a dream that one day, on the red hills of Georgia, 21789the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to 21790sit down together at the table of brotherhood. 21791 -- Martin Luther King, Jr. 21792% 21793I have a friend whose a billionaire. He invented Cliff's notes. When 21794I asked him how he got such a great idea he said, "Well first I... 21795I just... to make a long story short..." 21796 -- Stephen Wright 21797% 21798I have a hard time being attracted to anyone who can beat me up. 21799 -- John McGrath, Atlanta sportswriter, on women weightlifters. 21800% 21801I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. 21802I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen 21803some of it. 21804 -- Steven Wright 21805% 21806I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me, 21807And what can be the use of him is more than I can see. 21808He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head; 21809And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed. 21810 21811The funniest thing about him is the way he likes to grow-- 21812Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow; 21813For he sometimes shoots up taller, like an india-rubber ball, 21814And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all. 21815 -- R.L. Stevenson 21816% 21817I have a map of the United States. It's actual size. 21818I spent last summer folding it. 21819People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6". 21820 -- Steven Wright 21821% 21822I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died. 21823 -- Richard Diran 21824% 21825I have a simple philosophy: 21826 21827 Fill what's empty. 21828 Empty what's full. 21829 Scratch where it itches. 21830 -- A.R. Longworth 21831% 21832I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once 21833in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I 21834got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!" 21835 -- Steven Wright 21836% 21837I have a terrible headache, I was putting on toilet water and the lid fell. 21838% 21839I have a theory that it's impossible to prove anything, 21840but I can't prove it. 21841% 21842I have a very small mind and must live with it. 21843 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 21844% 21845I have a very strange feeling about this... 21846 -- Luke Skywalker 21847% 21848"I have accepted Provolone into my life!" 21849 -- Zippy the Pinhead 21850% 21851I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to 21852sacrifice my wife's brother. 21853 -- Artemus Ward 21854% 21855I have always noticed that whenever a radical takes 21856to Imperialism, he catches it in a very acute form. 21857 -- Winston Churchill, 1903 21858% 21859I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it. 21860 -- Steven Wright 21861% 21862I have become me without my consent. 21863% 21864I have come up with a surefire concept for a hit television show, which 21865would be called "A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark." 21866 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 21867% 21868I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show, 21869which would be called `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'. 21870 -- Dave Barry 21871% 21872I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per 21873cent an idiot. 21874 -- George Bernard Shaw 21875% 21876I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable 21877to sit still in a room. 21878 -- Blaise Pascal 21879% 21880I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. 21881I tell them the truth and they never believe me. 21882 -- Camillo Di Cavour 21883% 21884I have found it impossible to carry the heavy burden of responsibility and 21885to discharge my duties as king as I would wish to do without the help and 21886support of the woman I love. 21887 -- Edward, Duke of Windsor, 1936, announcing his abdication 21888 of the British throne in order to marry the American 21889 divorcee Wallis Warfield Simpson. 21890% 21891I have found little that is good about human beings. In my experience 21892most of them are trash. 21893 -- Sigmund Freud 21894% 21895I have gained this by philosophy: 21896that I do without being commanded what others 21897do only from fear of the law. 21898 -- Aristotle 21899% 21900I have given two cousins to war and I stand ready to sacrifice my 21901wife's brother. 21902 -- Artemus Ward 21903% 21904I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it. 21905 -- Edgar Allan Poe 21906% 21907I have had my television aerials removed. It's the moral equivalent 21908of a prostate operation. 21909 -- Malcolm Muggeridge 21910% 21911I have hardly ever known a mathematician who was capable of reasoning. 21912 -- Plato 21913% 21914I have just had eighteen whiskeys in a row. 21915I do believe that is a record. 21916 -- Dylan Thomas, his last words 21917% 21918I have learned silence from the talkative, 21919toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind. 21920 -- Kahlil Gibran 21921% 21922I have lots of things in my pockets; 21923None of them is worth anything. 21924Sociopolitical whines aside, 21925Gan you give me, gratis, free, 21926The price of half a gallon 21927Of Gallo extra bad 21928And most of the bus fare home. 21929% 21930I have made mistakes but I have never made the 21931mistake of claiming that I have never made one. 21932 -- James Gordon Bennett 21933% 21934I have made this letter longer than usual 21935because I lack the time to make it shorter. 21936 -- Blaise Pascal 21937% 21938I have more hit points that you can possible imagine. 21939% 21940I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole BODY! 21941 -- Cerebus, #82 21942% 21943I have never been one to sacrifice 21944my appetite on the altar of appearance. 21945 -- A.M. Readyhough 21946% 21947I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. 21948 -- Mark Twain 21949% 21950I have never seen anything fill up a vacuum so fast and still suck. 21951 -- Rob Pike, on X. 21952 21953Steve Jobs said two years ago that X is brain-damaged and it will be 21954gone in two years. He was half right. 21955 -- Dennis Ritchie 21956 21957Dennis Ritchie is twice as bright as Steve Jobs, and only half wrong. 21958 -- Jim Gettys 21959% 21960I have never understood this liking for war. It panders to instincts 21961already catered for within the scope of any respectable domestic 21962establishment. 21963 -- Alan Bennett 21964% 21965I have no doubt that it is a part of the destiny of the human race, 21966in its gradual improvement, to leave off eating animals. 21967 -- Thoreau 21968% 21969I have no doubt the Devil grins, 21970As seas of ink I spatter. 21971Ye gods, forgive my "literary" sins-- 21972The other kind don't matter. 21973 -- Robert W. Service 21974% 21975I have no right, by anything I do or say, to demean a human being in his 21976own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him; it is what he thinks 21977of himself. To undermine a man's self-respect is a sin. 21978 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery 21979% 21980I have not yet begun to byte! 21981% 21982I have nothing but utter contempt for the courts of this land. 21983 -- George Wallace 21984% 21985I have now come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying, 21986and for this reason: I can never be satisfied with anyone who would 21987be blockhead enough to have me. 21988 -- Abraham Lincoln 21989% 21990I have often looked at women and committed adultery in my heart. 21991 -- Jimmy Carter 21992% 21993I have often regretted my speech, never my silence. 21994 -- Publilius Syrus 21995% 21996I have sacrificed time, health, and fortune, in the desire to complete these 21997Calculating Engines. I have also declined several offers of great personal 21998advantage to myself. But, notwithstanding the sacrifice of these advantages 21999for the purpose of maturing an engine of almost intellectual power, and 22000after expending from my own private fortune a larger sum than the government 22001of England has spent on that machine, the execution of which it only 22002commenced, I have received neither an acknowledgement of my labors, not even 22003the offer of those honors or rewards which are allowed to fall within the 22004reach of men who devote themselves to purely scientific investigations... 22005 If the work upon which I have bestowed so much time and thought were 22006a mere triumph over mechanical difficulties, or simply curious, or if the 22007execution of such engines were of doubtful practicability or utility, some 22008justification might be found for the course which has been taken; but I 22009venture to assert that no mathematician who has a reputation to lose will 22010ever publicly express an opinion that such a machine would be useless if 22011made, and that no man distinguished as a civil engineer will venture to 22012declare the construction of such machinery impracticable... 22013 And at a period when the progress of physical science is obstructed 22014by that exhausting intellectual and manual labor, indispensable for its 22015advancement, which it is the object of the Analytical Engine to relieve, I 22016think the application of machinery in aid of the most complicated and abstruse 22017calculations can no longer be deemed unworthy of the attention of the country. 22018In fact, there is no reason why mental as well as bodily labor should not 22019be economized by the aid of machinery. 22020 -- Charles Babbage, "The Life of a Philosopher" 22021% 22022I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer. 22023 -- Kehlog Albran 22024% 22025I have seen the Great Pretender and he is not what he seems. 22026% 22027I have that old biological urge, 22028I have that old irresistible surge, 22029I'm hungry. 22030% 22031I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best. 22032 -- Oscar Wilde 22033% 22034I have to think hard to name an interesting man who does not drink. 22035 -- Richard Burton 22036% 22037I have travelled the length and breadth of this country, and have talked with 22038the best people in business administration. I can assure you on the highest 22039authority that data processing is a fad and won't last out the year. 22040 -- Editor in charge of business books at Prentice-Hall 22041 publishers, responding to Karl V. Karlstrom (a junior 22042 editor who had recommended a manuscript on the new 22043 science of data processing), c. 1957 22044% 22045I have ways of making money that you know nothing of. 22046 -- John D. Rockefeller 22047% 22048I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when 22049you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated. 22050 -- Poul Anderson 22051% 22052I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere. 22053% 22054I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it. 22055% 22056I hear the sound that the machines make, 22057and feel my heart break, just for a moment. 22058% 22059I hear what you're saying but I just don't care. 22060% 22061I heard a definition of an intellectual, that I thought was very 22062interesting: a man who takes more words than are necessary to tell 22063more than he knows. 22064 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower 22065% 22066I hold it, that a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing... 22067 -- Thomas Jefferson 22068% 22069I hold your hand in mine, dear, I press it to my lips, 22070I take a healthy bite from your dainty fingertips, 22071My joy would be complete, dear, if you were only here, 22072But still I keep your hand as a precious souvenir. 22073 22074The night you died I cut it off, I really don't know why, 22075For now each time I kiss it I get bloodstains on my tie, 22076I'm sorry now I killed you, our love was something fine, 22077So until they come to get me I will hold your hand in mine. 22078 22079 -- Tom Lehrer, "I Hold Your Hand In Mine" 22080% 22081I hope you're not pretending to be evil while 22082secretly being good. That would be dishonest. 22083% 22084I just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do? 22085 -- Raoul Duke 22086% 22087I just ate a whole package of Sweet Tarts and a can of Coke. 22088I think I saw God. 22089 -- B. Hathrume Duk 22090% 22091I just got off the phone with Sonny Barger [President of the Hell's Angels]. 22092He wants me to appear as a character witness for him at his murder trial 22093and said he'd be glad to appear as a character witness on my behalf if I 22094ever needed one. Needless to say, I readily agreed. 22095 -- Thomas King Forcade, publisher of "High Times" 22096% 22097I just got out of the hospital after a 22098speed reading accident. I hit a bookmark. 22099 -- S. Wright 22100% 22101I just know I'm a better manager when I have Joe DiMaggio in center field. 22102 -- Casey Stengel 22103% 22104I just need enough to tide me over until I need more. 22105 -- Bill Hoest 22106% 22107"I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." 22108"Did you ever see a doctor?" 22109"No, just spots." 22110% 22111I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day. 22112I haven't had time for tobacco since. 22113 -- Arturo Toscanini 22114% 22115I knew her before she was a virgin. 22116 -- Oscar Levant, on Doris Day 22117% 22118I *knew* I had some reason for not logging you off... 22119If I could just remember what it was. 22120% 22121I knew one thing: as soon as anyone said you didn't need a gun, you'd better 22122take one along that worked. 22123 -- Raymond Chandler 22124% 22125I know if you been talkin' you done said 22126just how surprised you wuz by the living dead. 22127You wuz surprised that they could understand you words 22128and never respond once to all the truth they heard. 22129But don't you get square! 22130There ain't no rule that says they got to care. 22131They can always swear they're deaf, dumb and blind. 22132% 22133I know not how I came into this, 22134shall I call it a dying life or a living death? 22135 -- St. Augustine 22136% 22137I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but 22138World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. 22139 -- Albert Einstein 22140% 22141I know on which side my bread is buttered. 22142 -- John Heywood 22143% 22144I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! 22145The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building. 22146 -- Charles Schulz 22147% 22148I know the disposition of women: when you will, they won't; when 22149you won't, they set their hearts upon you of their own inclination. 22150 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) 22151% 22152I know what "custody" [of the children] means. "Get even." That's all 22153custody means. Get even with your old lady. 22154 -- Lenny Bruce 22155% 22156"I know what you're thinking -- `Did he fire six shots or only five?' 22157Well, to tell you the truth, in all the excitement, I kind of lost track 22158myself. But being this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the 22159world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself 22160one question: `Do I feel lucky?' Well, do you, punk?" 22161 -- Harry Callahan, badge #2211 22162% 22163I know you believe you understand what you think this fortune says, 22164but I'm not sure you realize that what you are reading is not what 22165it means. 22166% 22167I know you think you thought you knew what you thought I said, 22168but I'm not sure you understood what you thought I meant. 22169% 22170I know you're in search of yourself, I just haven't seen you anywhere. 22171% 22172I lately lost a preposition; 22173It hid, I thought, beneath my chair 22174And angrily I cried, "Perdition! 22175Up from out of under there." 22176 22177Correctness is my vade mecum, 22178And straggling phrases I abhor, 22179And yet I wondered, "What should he come 22180Up from out of under for?" 22181 -- Morris Bishop 22182% 22183I lay my head on the railroad tracks, 22184Waitin' for the double E. 22185The railroad don't run no more. 22186Poor poor pitiful me. [chorus] 22187 Poor poor pitiful me, poor poor pitiful me. 22188 These young girls won't let me be, 22189 Lord have mercy on me! 22190 Woe is me! 22191 22192Well, I met a girl, West Hollywood, 22193Well, I ain't naming names. 22194But she really worked me over good, 22195She was just like Jesse James. 22196She really worked me over good, 22197She was a credit to her gender. 22198She put me through some changes, boy, 22199Sort of like a Waring blender. [chorus] 22200 22201I met a girl at the Rainbow Bar, 22202She asked me if I'd beat her. 22203She took me back to the Hyatt House, 22204I don't want to talk about it. [chorus] 22205 -- Warren Zevon, "Poor Poor Pitiful Me" 22206% 22207I learned to play guitar just to get the girls, and anyone who says they 22208didn't is just lyin'! 22209 -- Willie Nelson 22210% 22211I like being single. I'm always there when I need me. 22212 -- Art Leo 22213% 22214I like myself, but I won't say I'm as handsome as the bull 22215that kidnapped Europa. 22216 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero 22217% 22218I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to 22219promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want 22220peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of 22221the way and let them have it. 22222 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower 22223% 22224I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours. 22225% 22226I like young girls. Their stories are shorter. 22227 -- Tom McGuane 22228% 22229I like your game but we have to change the rules. 22230% 22231I live the way I type; fast, with a lot of mistakes. 22232% 22233I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts 22234to bite people themselves. 22235 -- August Strindberg 22236% 22237I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. 22238I may not get there, but I'm going first class. 22239 -- Art Buchwald 22240% 22241I love being married. It's so great to find that one special 22242person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. 22243 -- Rita Rudner 22244% 22245I love children. Especially when they cry -- for then 22246someone takes them away. 22247 -- Nancy Mitford 22248% 22249I love dogs, but I hate Chihuahuas. A Chihuahua isn't a dog. 22250It's a rat with a thyroid problem. 22251% 22252I love mankind ... It's people I hate. 22253 -- Schulz 22254% 22255I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I've ever known. 22256 -- Walt Disney 22257% 22258I love the smell of napalm in the morning. 22259 -- Robert Duval, "Apocalypse Now" 22260% 22261I love treason but hate a traitor. 22262 -- Gaius Julius Caesar 22263% 22264I love you more than anything in this world. I don't expect that will last. 22265 -- Elvis Costello 22266% 22267I love you, not only for what you are, 22268but for what I am when I am with you. 22269 -- Roy Croft 22270% 22271I loved her with a love thirsty and desperate. I felt that we two might 22272commit some act so atrocious that the world, seeing us, would find it 22273irresistible. 22274 -- Gene Wolfe, "The Shadow of the Torturer" 22275% 22276I married beneath me. All women do. 22277 -- Lady Nancy Astor 22278% 22279I may be getting older, but I refuse to grow up! 22280% 22281I may kid around about drugs, but really, I take them seriously. 22282 -- Doctor Graper 22283% 22284I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent. 22285 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 22286% 22287I met a wonderful new man. He's fictional, but you can't have everything. 22288 -- Cecelia, "The Purple Rose of Cairo" 22289% 22290I met my latest girl friend in a department store. She was looking at 22291clothes, and I was putting Slinkys on the escalators. 22292 -- Steven Wright 22293% 22294I might have gone to West Point, but I was too proud to speak to a 22295congressman. 22296 -- Will Rogers 22297% 22298I must Create a System, or be enslav'd by another Man's; 22299I will not Reason and Compare; my business is to Create. 22300 -- William Blake, "Jerusalem" 22301% 22302I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini. 22303 -- Alexander Woolcott 22304% 22305I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a 22306week sometimes to make it up. 22307 -- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad" 22308% 22309I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts! 22310% 22311I myself have dreamed up a structure intermediate between Dyson spheres 22312and planets. Build a ring 93 million miles in radius -- one Earth orbit 22313-- around the sun. If we have the mass of Jupiter to work with, and if 22314we make it a thousand miles wide, we get a thickness of about a thousand 22315feet for the base. 22316 22317And it has advantages. The Ringworld will be much sturdier than a Dyson 22318sphere. We can spin it on its axis for gravity. A rotation speed of 770 22319m/s will give us a gravity of one Earth normal. We wouldn't even need to 22320roof it over. Place walls one thousand miles high at each edge, facing the 22321sun. Very little air will leak over the edges. 22322 22323Lord knows the thing is roomy enough. With three million times the surface 22324area of the Earth, it will be some time before anyone complains of the 22325crowding. 22326 -- Larry Niven, "Ringworld" 22327% 22328I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head. 22329 -- Fratianno 22330% 22331I needed the good will of the legislature of four states. I formed the 22332legislative bodies with my own money. I found that it was cheaper that 22333way. 22334 -- Jay Gould 22335% 22336I never cheated an honest man, only rascals. They wanted 22337something for nothing. I gave them nothing for something. 22338 -- Joseph "Yellow Kid" Weil 22339% 22340I never deny, I never contradict. I sometimes forget. 22341 -- Benjamin Disraeli, British PM, on dealing with the 22342 Royal Family 22343% 22344I never did it that way before. 22345% 22346I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the 22347places they do today. 22348 -- Will Rogers 22349% 22350I never failed to convince an audience that the best thing they 22351could do was to go away. 22352% 22353I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception. 22354 -- Groucho Marx 22355% 22356I never killed a man that didn't deserve it. 22357 -- Mickey Cohen 22358% 22359I never loved another person the way I loved myself. 22360 -- Mae West 22361% 22362I never made a mistake in my life. 22363I thought I did once, but I was wrong. 22364 -- Lucy Van Pelt 22365% 22366I never met a man I didn't want to fight. 22367 -- Lyle Alzado, professional footbal lineman 22368% 22369I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like. 22370% 22371I never pray before meals -- my mom's a good cook. 22372% 22373I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers; 22374what I said was all saloonkeepers were Democrats. 22375% 22376I never saw a purple cow 22377I never hope to see one 22378But I can tell you anyhow 22379I'd rather see than be one. 22380 -- Gellett Burgess 22381 22382I've never seen a purple cow 22383I never hope to see one 22384But from the milk we're getting now 22385There certainly must be one 22386 -- Ogden Nash 22387 22388Ah, yes, I wrote "The Purple Cow" 22389I'm sorry now I wrote it 22390But I can tell you anyhow 22391I'll kill you if you quote it. 22392 -- Gellett Burgess, many years later 22393% 22394I never take work home with me; I always leave it in some bar along the way. 22395% 22396I never vote for anyone. I always vote against. 22397 -- W.C. Fields 22398% 22399I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation. 22400 -- G.B. Shaw 22401% 22402I only know what I read in the papers. 22403 -- Will Rogers 22404% 22405I opened the drawer of my little desk and a single letter fell out, a 22406letter from my mother, written in pencil, one of her last, with unfinished 22407words and an implicit sense of her departure. It's so curious: one can 22408resist tears and "behave" very well in the hardest hours of grief. But 22409then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window... or one notices 22410that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed... or 22411a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses. 22412 -- Letters From Colette 22413% 22414I owe, I owe, 22415It's off to work I go... 22416% 22417I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a 22418toilet seat. 22419 -- Michael McShane 22420% 22421I owe the public nothing. 22422 -- J.P. Morgan 22423% 22424I own my own body, but I share. 22425% 22426I place economy among the first and most important virtues, and public debt as 22427the greatest of dangers to be feared. To preserve our independence, we must 22428not let our rulers load us with perpetual debt. If we run into such debts, we 22429must be taxed in our meat and drink, in our necessities and in our comforts, 22430in our labor and in our amusements. If we can prevent the government from 22431wasting the labor of the people, under the pretense of caring for them, they 22432will be happy. 22433 -- Thomas Jefferson 22434% 22435I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the kind 22436of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled substances 22437being in widespread use. Back then, there were no restrictions, in terms 22438of talent, on who could make an album, so we made one, and it sounds like 22439a group of people who have been given powerful but unfamiliar instruments 22440as a therapy for a degenerative nerve disease. 22441 -- Dave Barry 22442% 22443I pledge allegiance to the flag 22444of the United States of America 22445and to the republic for which it stands, 22446one nation, 22447indivisible, 22448with liberty 22449and justice for all. 22450 -- Francis Bellamy, 1892 22451% 22452I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. 22453 -- S. Wright 22454% 22455I prefer rogues to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest. 22456 -- Alexandre Dumas the Younger 22457% 22458I prefer the most unjust peace to the most righteous war. 22459 -- Cicero 22460 22461Even peace may be purchased at too high a price. 22462 -- Poor Richard 22463% 22464I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob. 22465 -- William F. Buckley 22466% 22467I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats 22468on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. 22469 -- Stephen Wright 22470% 22471I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time. 22472 -- Steven Wright 22473% 22474I put instant coffee in a microwave, and almost went back in time. 22475 -- Stephen Wright 22476% 22477I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time. 22478 -- Stephen Wright 22479% 22480I put the shotgun in an Adidas bag and padded it out with four pairs of 22481tennis socks, not my style at all, but that was what I was aiming for: If 22482they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical, go 22483crude. I'm a very technical boy. So I decided to get as crude as possible. 22484These days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even 22485aspire to crudeness. 22486 -- William Gibson, "Johnny Mnemonic" 22487% 22488I put up my thumb... and it blotted out the planet Earth. 22489 -- Neil Armstrong 22490% 22491I quite agree with you, said the Duchess; and the moral of that is -- 'Be 22492what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put more simply -- 'Never 22493imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others 22494that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had 22495been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.' 22496% 22497I read a column by George Will that Scarface should be rated X because 22498parents were taking their children to see it. So what? Why should the 22499motion-picture industry be responsible for our morality? 22500 Dad says to Mom, "Honey, Scarface is in town." 22501 "What's it about?" 22502 "Human scum who kill each other over cocaine deals." 22503 "Sounds great! Let's take the kids!" 22504 -- Ian Shoales 22505% 22506I read Playboy for the same reason I read National Geographic. 22507To see the sights I'm never going to visit. 22508% 22509I read the newspaper avidly. It is my one form of continuous fiction. 22510 -- Aneurin Bevan 22511% 22512I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as 22513Martina Navratilova who can run like deer and bench-press Chevrolet 22514trucks. But to be brutally frank, women as a group have a long way to 22515go before they reach the level of intensity and dedication to sports 22516that enables men to be such incredible jerks about it. 22517 -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" 22518% 22519I really had to act; 'cause I didn't have any lines. 22520 -- Marilyn Chambers 22521% 22522I really hate this damned machine 22523I wish that they would sell it. 22524It never does quite what I want 22525But only what I tell it. 22526% 22527I really look with commiseration over the great body of my fellow citizens 22528who, reading newspapers, live and die in the belief that they have known 22529something of what has been passing in their time. 22530 -- H. Truman 22531% 22532I recently moved into a new apartment, and there was this switch on the 22533wall that didn't do anything... so anytime I had nothing to do, I'd just 22534flick that switch up and down... up and down... up and down... 22535Then one day I got a letter from a woman in Germany... it just said 22536"Cut it out." 22537 -- Stephen Wright 22538% 22539I recognize terror as the finest emotion and so I will try to terrorize the 22540reader. But if I find that I cannot terrify, I will try to horrify, and if 22541I find that I cannot horrify, I'll go for the gross-out. 22542 -- Stephen King 22543% 22544I refuse to consign the whole male sex to the nursery. I insist on 22545believing that some men are my equals. 22546 -- Brigid Brophy 22547% 22548I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person. 22549% 22550I remember once being on a station platform in Cleveland at four in the 22551morning. A black porter was carrying my bags, and as we were waiting for 22552the train to come in, he said to me: "Excuse me, Mr. Cooke, I don't want to 22553invade your privacy, but I have a bet with a friend of mine. Who composed 22554the opening theme music of 'Omnibus'? My friend said Virgil Thomson." I 22555asked him, "What do you say?" He replied, "I say Aaron Copeland." I said, 22556"You're right." The porter said, "I knew Thomson doesn't write counterpoint 22557that way." I told that to a network president, and he was deeply unimpressed. 22558 -- Alistair Cooke 22559% 22560I remember Ulysses well... Left one day for the post office 22561to mail a letter, met a blonde named Circe on the streetcar, 22562and didn't come back for 20 years. 22563% 22564I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some 22565kind of loophole. 22566 -- Leo Kessler 22567% 22568I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it 22569looks like I'm the only one moving. 22570 -- Steven Wright 22571% 22572I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education. 22573 -- Wilson Mizner 22574% 22575I respect the institution of marriage. I have always thought that every 22576woman should marry -- and no man. 22577 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Lothair" 22578% 22579I reverently believe that the maker who made us all makes everything in New 22580England, but the weather. I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be 22581raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in 22582New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted to make weather for 22583countries that require a good article, and will take their custom elsewhere 22584if they don't get it. 22585 -- Mark Twain 22586% 22587"I said, "Preacher, give me strength for round 5." 22588He said,"What you need is to grow up, son." 22589I said,"Growin' up leads to growin' old, 22590And then to dying, and to me that don't sound like much fun." 22591 -- John Cougar, "The Authority Song" 22592% 22593I sat down beside her, said hello, offered to buy her a drink... 22594and then natural selection reared its ugly head. 22595% 22596I saw a man pursuing the Horizon, 22597'Round and round they sped. 22598I was disturbed at this, 22599I accosted the man, 22600"It is futile," I said. 22601"You can never--" 22602"You lie!" He cried, 22603and ran on. 22604 -- Stephen Crane 22605% 22606I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. 22607 -- Stephen Wright 22608% 22609I saw Lassie. It took me four shows to figure out why the hairy kid 22610never spoke. I mean, he could roll over and all that, but did that 22611deserve a series?" 22612% 22613I saw what you did and I know who you are. 22614% 22615I see a bad moon rising. 22616I see trouble on the way. 22617I see earthquakes and lightnin' 22618I see bad times today. 22619Don't go 'round tonight, 22620It's bound to take your life. 22621There's a bad moon on the rise. 22622 -- J. C. Fogerty, "Bad Moon Rising" 22623% 22624I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope 22625they do get 'em lowered down enough so people can afford to pay 'em. 22626 -- The Best of Will Rogers 22627% 22628I see where we are starting to pay some attention to our neighbors to 22629the south. We could never understand why Mexico wasn't just crazy about 22630us; for we have always had their good will, and oil and minerals, at heart. 22631 -- The Best of Will Rogers 22632% 22633I sent a letter to the fish, I said it very loud and clear, 22634I told them, "This is what I wish." I went and shouted in his ear. 22635The little fishes of the sea, But he was very stiff and proud, 22636They sent an answer back to me. He said "You needn't shout so loud." 22637The little fishes' answer was And he was very proud and stiff, 22638"We cannot do it, sir, because..." He said "I'll go and wake them if..." 22639I sent a letter back to say I took a kettle from the shelf, 22640It would be better to obey. I went to wake them up myself. 22641But someone came to me and said But when I found the door was locked 22642"The little fishes are in bed." I pulled and pushed and kicked and 22643 knocked, 22644I said to him, and I said it plain And when I found the door was shut, 22645"Then you must wake them up again." I tried to turn the handle, But... 22646 22647 "Is that all?" asked Alice. 22648 "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye." 22649% 22650I sent a message to another time, 22651But as the days unwind -- this I just can't believe, 22652I sent a message to another plane, 22653Maybe it's all a game -- but this I just can't conceive. 22654... 22655I met someone who looks at lot like you, 22656She does the things you do, but she is an IBM. 22657She's only programmed to be very nice, 22658But she's as cold as ice, whenever I get too near, 22659She tells me that she likes me very much, 22660But when I try to touch, she makes it all too clear. 22661... 22662I realize that it must seem so strange, 22663That time has rearranged, but time has the final word, 22664She knows I think of you, she reads my mind, 22665She tries to be unkind, she knows nothing of our world. 22666 -- ELO, "Yours Truly, 2095" 22667% 22668I shall come to you in the night and we shall see who is stronger -- 22669a little girl who won't eat her dinner or a great big man with cocaine 22670in his veins. 22671 -- Sigmund Freud, in a letter to his fiancee 22672% 22673I shall give a propagandist reason for starting the war, no matter whether 22674it is plausible or not. The victor will not be asked afterwards whether 22675he told the truth or not. When starting and waging war it is not right 22676that matters, but victory. 22677 -- Adolf Hitler 22678% 22679I shot an arrow in to the air, and it stuck. 22680 -- graffito in Los Angeles 22681 22682On a clear day, 22683U.C.L.A. 22684 -- graffito in San Francisco 22685 22686There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our 22687lungs there'd be no place to put it all. 22688 -- Robert Orben 22689% 22690I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck. 22691 -- Los Angeles graffito 22692% 22693I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than 22694most western countries. 22695 -- George Burns 22696% 22697I smell a wumpus. 22698% 22699I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker 22700Brothers -- they're going to make a game out of it. 22701 -- Woody Allen 22702% 22703I sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his 22704ability. 22705 -- Oscar Wilde 22706% 22707I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. 22708 -- Stephen Wright 22709% 22710I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone. 22711 -- Stephen Wright 22712% 22713I steal. 22714 -- Sam Giancana, explaining his livelihood to his draft board 22715 22716Easy. I own Chicago. I own Miami. I own Las Vegas. 22717 -- Sam Giancana, when asked what he did for a living 22718% 22719I stick my neck out for nobody. 22720 -- Humphrey Bogart, "Casablanca" 22721% 22722I stood on the leading edge, 22723The eastern seaboard at my feet. 22724"Jump!" said Yoko Ono 22725I'm too scared and good-looking, I cried. 22726Go on and give it a try, 22727Why prolong the agony, all men must die. 22728 -- Roger Waters, "The Pros and Cons of Hitchhiking" 22729% 22730I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to 22731see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. 22732 -- Shirley Temple 22733% 22734I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a 22735department store, and he asked for my autograph. 22736 -- Shirley Temple 22737% 22738I suggest a new strategy, Artoo: let the Wookiee win. 22739 -- CP30 22740% 22741I suppose I could collect my books and get on back to school, 22742Or steal my daddy's cue and make a living out of playing pool, 22743Or find myself a rock 'n' roll band, 22744That needs a helping hand, 22745Oh, Maggie I wish I'd never seen your face. 22746 -- Rod Stewart, "Maggie May" 22747% 22748I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the 22749country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which 22750I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving 22751are worth considering, to wit: 22752 22753[110.13]: 22754 "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not 22755 to interfere with oncoming traffic." 22756 22757[22.17b]: 22758 "Learning to change lanes takes time and patience. The best 22759 recommendation that can be made is to go to a Celtics [basketball] 22760 game; study the fast break and then go out and practice it 22761 on the highway." 22762 22763[41.16]: 22764 "Never bump a baby carriage out of a crosswalk unless the kid's really 22765 asking for it." 22766% 22767I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the 22768country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which 22769I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving 22770are worth considering, to wit: 22771 22772[131.16d]: 22773 "Directional signals are generally not used except during vehicle 22774 inspection; however, a left-turn signal is appropriate when making 22775 a U-turn on a divided highway." 22776 22777[96.7b]: 22778 "When paying tolls, remember that it is necessary to release the 22779 quarter a full 3 seconds before passing the basket if you are 22780 traveling more than 60 MPH." 22781 22782[110.13]: 22783 "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not 22784 to interfere with oncoming traffic." 22785% 22786I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the 22787country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which 22788I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving 22789are worth considering, to wit: 22790 22791[173.15b]: 22792 "When competing for a section of road or a parking space, remember 22793 that the vehicle in need of the most body work has the right-of-way." 22794 22795[141.2a]: 22796 "Although it is altogether possible to fit a 6' car into a 6' 22797 parking space, it is hardly ever possible to fit a 6' car into 22798 a 5' parking space." 22799 22800[105.31]: 22801 "Teenage drivers believe that they are immortal, and drive accordingly. 22802 Nevertheless, you should avoid the temptation to prove them wrong." 22803% 22804I suppose that in a few hours I will sober up. That's such a sad 22805thought. I think I'll have a few more drinks to prepare myself. 22806% 22807"I suppose you expect me to talk." 22808"No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die." 22809 -- Goldfinger 22810% 22811I tell them to turn to the study of mathematics, for it 22812is only there that they might escape the lusts of the flesh. 22813 -- Thomas Mann, "The Magic Mountain" 22814% 22815I tell ya, drugs never worked out for me. The first time I tried smoking 22816pot I didn't know what I was doing. I smoked half the joint, got the 22817munchies, and ate the other half. 22818 22819Well, the first time I tried coke I was so embarrassed. I kept getting the 22820bottle stuck up my nose. 22821 -- Rodney Dangerfield 22822% 22823I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track 22824and they shot my horse with the opening gun. 22825 22826Well, just last week I was at a Chinese restaurant and when I opened my 22827fortune cookie I found the guy's check sitting at the next table. I said, 22828"Hey, buddy, I got your check", he said, "Thanks." 22829 -- Rodney Dangerfield 22830% 22831I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt 22832the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, 22833I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom. 22834 -- Rodney Dangerfield 22835% 22836I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad 22837kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought. 22838 -- Rodney Dangerfield 22839% 22840I think... I think it's in my basement... Let me go upstairs and check. 22841 -- Escher 22842% 22843I think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward 22844or it dies. Well, what we have on our hands here is a dead shark. 22845 -- Woody Allen 22846% 22847I think all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of 22848being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being 22849sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm sick and tired of being told 22850that I am! 22851 -- Monty Python 22852% 22853"I think he said 'Blessed are the cheesemakers.'" 22854"Nonsense, he was obviously referring to all manufacturers of dairy products." 22855 -- The Life of Brian 22856% 22857I think I'll snatch a kiss and flee. 22858 -- Shakespeare 22859% 22860I think I'm schizophrenic. One half of me's 22861paranoid and the other half's out to get him. 22862% 22863I THINK MAN INVENTED THE CAR by instinct. 22864 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 22865% 22866I think she must have been very strictly brought up, she's so 22867desperately anxious to do the wrong thing correctly. 22868 -- Saki, "Reginald on Worries" 22869% 22870I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability. 22871 -- Oscar Wilde 22872% 22873I think that I shall never hear 22874A poem lovelier than beer. 22875The stuff that Joe's Bar has on tap, 22876With golden base and snowy cap. 22877The stuff that I can drink all day 22878Until my mem'ry melts away. 22879Poems are made by fools, I fear 22880But only Schlitz can make a beer. 22881% 22882I think that I shall never see 22883A billboard lovely as a tree. 22884Indeed, unless the billboards fall 22885I'll never see a tree at all. 22886 -- Nash 22887% 22888I think that I shall never see 22889A thing as lovely as a tree. 22890But as you see the trees have gone 22891They went this morning with the dawn. 22892A logging firm from out of town 22893Came and chopped the trees all down. 22894But I will trick those dirty skunks 22895And write a brand new poem called 'Trunks'. 22896% 22897I think the world is ready for the story of an ugly duckling, who grew up to 22898remain an ugly duckling, and lived happily ever after. 22899 -- Chick 22900% 22901I think the world is run by C students. 22902 -- Al McGuire 22903% 22904I THINK THERE SHOULD BE SOMETHING in science called the "reindeer effect." 22905I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone 22906say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer 22907effect." 22908 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 22909% 22910I think, therefore I am... I think. 22911% 22912I think there's a world market for about five computers. 22913 -- attr. Thomas J. Watson (Chairman of the Board, IBM), 1943 22914% 22915I THINK THEY SHOULD CONTINUE the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for 22916paneling. 22917 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 22918% 22919I think we are in Rats Alley where the dead men lost their bones. 22920 -- T.S. Eliot 22921% 22922I think we're all Bozos on this bus. 22923 -- Firesign Theatre 22924% 22925I think we're in trouble. 22926 -- Han Solo 22927% 22928I think your opinions are reasonable, 22929except for the one about my mental instability. 22930 -- Psychology Professor, Farifield University 22931% 22932"I thought that you said you were 20 years old!" 22933"As a programmer, yes," she replied, 22934"And you claimed to be very near two meters tall!" 22935"You said you were blonde, but you lied!" 22936Oh, she was a hacker and he was one, too, 22937They had so much in common, you'd say. 22938They exchanged jokes and poems, and clever new hacks, 22939And prompts that were cute or risque'. 22940He sent her a picture of his brother Sam, 22941She sent one from some past high school day, 22942And it might have gone on for the rest of their lives, 22943If they hadn't met in L.A. 22944"Your beard is an armpit," she said in disgust. 22945He answered, "Your armpit's a beard!" 22946And they chorused: "I think I could stand all the rest 22947If you were not so totally weird!" 22948If she had not said what he wanted to hear, 22949And he had not done just the same, 22950They'd have been far more honest, and never have met, 22951And would not have had fun with the game. 22952 -- Judith Schrier, "Face to Face After Six Months of 22953 Electronic Mail" 22954% 22955I thought there was something fishy about the butler. Probably a Pisces, 22956working for scale. 22957 -- Firesign Theatre, "The Further Adventures of Nick Danger" 22958% 22959I thought YOU silenced the guard! 22960% 22961I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." 22962One of them said, "So will you." 22963 -- Rodney Dangerfield 22964% 22965I took a course in speed reading, learning to read straight down the middle 22966of the page, and I was able to go through "War and Peace" in twenty minutes. 22967It's about Russia. 22968 -- Woody Allen 22969% 22970I treasure this strange combination found in very few persons: a fierce 22971desire for life as well as a lucid perception of the ultimate futility of 22972the quest. 22973 -- Madeleine Gobeil 22974% 22975I truly wish I could be a great surgeon or philosopher or author or anything 22976constructive, but in all honesty I'd rather turn up my amplifier full blast 22977and drown myself in the noise. 22978 -- Charles Schmid, the "Tucson Murderer" 22979% 22980I trust the first lion he meets will do his duty. 22981 -- J.P. Morgan on Teddy Roosevelt's safari 22982% 22983I try not to break the rules but merely to test their elasticity. 22984 -- Bill Veeck 22985% 22986I try to keep an open mind, but not so open that my brains fall out. 22987 -- Judge Harold T. Stone 22988% 22989I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. 22990The weatherman said "I don't understand it. I was supposed to be 80 22991degrees today," and I said "Oops." 22992 22993In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so 22994I never have to go upstairs. 22995 22996I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in 22997front of it in only eight minutes. 22998 -- Stephen Wright 22999% 23000I understand why you're confused. You're thinking too much. 23001 -- Carole Wallach. 23002% 23003I use not only all the brains I have, but all those I can borrow as well. 23004 -- Woodrow Wilson 23005% 23006I use technology in order to hate it more properly. 23007 -- Nam June Paik 23008% 23009I used to be a rebel in my youth. 23010This cause... that cause... (chuckle) I backed 'em ALL! But I learned. 23011Rebellion is simply a device used by the immature to hide from his own 23012problems. So I lost interest in politics. Now when I feel aroused by 23013a civil rights case or a passport hearing... I realize it's just a device. 23014I go to my analyst and we work it out. You have no idea how much better 23015I feel these days. 23016 -- J. Feiffer 23017% 23018I used to be disgusted, now I find I'm just amused. 23019 -- Elvis Costello 23020% 23021I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. 23022 -- Mae West 23023% 23024I used to be such a sweet sweet thing, 'til they got a hold of me, 23025I opened doors for little old ladies, I helped the blind to see, 23026I got no friends 'cause they read the papers, they can't be seen, 23027With me, and I'm feelin' real shot down, 23028And I'm, uh, feelin' mean, 23029 No more, Mr. Nice Guy, 23030 No more, Mr. Clean, 23031 No more, Mr. Nice Guy, 23032They say "He's sick, he's obscene". 23033 23034My dog bit me on the leg today, my cat clawed my eyes, 23035Ma's been thrown out of the social circle, and Dad has to hide, 23036I went to church, incognito, when everybody rose, 23037The reverend Smithy, he recognized me, 23038And punched me in the nose, he said, 23039(chorus) 23040He said "You're sick, you're obscene". 23041 -- Alice Cooper, "No More Mr. Nice Guy" 23042% 23043I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance. 23044% 23045I used to have a drinking problem. 23046Now I love the stuff. 23047% 23048I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went anywhere, I had 23049to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway. 23050 23051I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks 23052like I'm the only one moving. 23053 23054I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know 23055the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" And I said, "Yes, but I wasn't going 23056to be out that long." 23057 23058I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the ond one out. Now 23059my car goes 500 miles an hour. 23060 -- Stephen Wright 23061% 23062I used to think I was a child; now I think I am an adult -- not because 23063I no longer do childish things, but because those I call adults are no 23064more mature than I am. 23065% 23066I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure. 23067% 23068I used to think romantic love was a neurosis shared by two, a supreme 23069foolishness. I no longer thought that. There's nothing foolish in 23070loving anyone. Thinking you'll be loved in return is what's foolish. 23071 -- Rita Mae Brown 23072% 23073I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in 23074my body. Then I realized who was telling me this. 23075 -- Emo Phillips 23076% 23077I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere 23078near the place. 23079 -- Steven Wright 23080% 23081I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I 23082don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected 23083with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, 23084the food cheaper, and old men and womem warmer in the winter, and happier 23085in the summer. 23086 -- Brendan Behan 23087% 23088I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I 23089don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected 23090with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, 23091the food cheaper, and old men and women warmer in the winter, and happier 23092in the summer. 23093 -- Brendan Behan 23094% 23095I waited and waited and when no message came I knew it must be from you. 23096% 23097I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law. 23098 -- Martin Luther King, Jr. 23099% 23100I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch "St. 23101Elsewhere", won't scream, "Forget it, Blanche... It's time for Hee-Haw!" 23102% 23103I want to kill everyone here with a cute colorful Hydrogen Bomb!! 23104 -- Zippy the Pinhead 23105% 23106I want to marry a girl just like the girl that married dear old dad. 23107 -- Freud 23108% 23109I want to reach your mind -- where is it currently located? 23110% 23111I was appalled by this story of the destruction of a member of a valued 23112endangered species. It's all very well to celebrate the practicality of 23113pigs by ennobling the porcine sibling who constructed his home out of 23114bricks and mortar. But to wantonly destroy a wolf, even one with an 23115excessive taste for porkers, is unconscionable in these ecologically 23116critical times when both man and his domestic beasts continue to maraud 23117the earth. 23118 Sylvia Kamerman, "Book Reviewing" 23119% 23120I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I 23121ordered French Toast in the Renaissance. 23122 -- Steven Wright 23123% 23124I was born in a barrel of butcher knives 23125Trouble I love and peace I despise 23126Wild horses kicked me in my side 23127Then a rattlesnake bit me and he walked off and died. 23128 -- Bo Diddley 23129% 23130I was eatin' some chop suey, 23131With a lady in St. Louie, 23132When there sudden comes a knockin' at the door. 23133And that knocker, he says, "Honey, 23134Roll this rocker out some money, 23135Or your daddy shoots a baddie to the floor." 23136 -- Mr. Miggle 23137% 23138I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. 23139I said I didn't know. 23140 -- Mark Twain 23141% 23142I was in a bar and I walked up to a beautiful woman and said, "Do you live 23143around here often?" She said, "You're wearing two different-color socks." 23144I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness." 23145She said, "How do you feel?" And I said, "You know when you're sitting on a 23146chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so 23147you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like 23148that all the time..." 23149 -- Steven Wright, "Gentlemen's Quarterly" 23150% 23151I was in a beauty contest one. I not only came in last, I was hit in 23152the mouth by Miss Congeniality. 23153 -- Phyllis Diller 23154% 23155I was in accord with the system so long as it 23156permitted me to function effectively. 23157 -- Albert Speer 23158% 23159I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all 23160these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these 23161kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and 23162I wasn't tempted to buy one but I was reminded of the fact that I had been 23163avoiding the beach. 23164 -- Lucinda Childs "Einstein On The Beach" 23165% 23166I was in Vegas last week. I was at the roulette table, having a 23167lengthy argument about what I considered an Odd number. 23168 -- Steven Wright 23169% 23170I was offered a job as a hoodlum and I turned it down cold. A thief is 23171anybody who gets out and works for his living, like robbing a bank or 23172breaking into a place and stealing stuff, or kidnapping somebody. He really 23173gives some effort to it. A hoodlum is a pretty lousy sort of scum. He 23174works for gangsters and bumps guys off when they have been put on the spot. 23175Why, after I'd made my rep, some of the Chicago Syndicate wanted me to work 23176for them as a hood -- you know, handling a machine gun. They offered me 23177two hundred and fifty dollars a week and all the protection I needed. I 23178was on the lam at the time and not able to work at my regular line. But 23179I wouldn't consider it. "I'm a thief," I said. "I'm no lousy hoodlum." 23180 -- Alvin Karpis, "Public Enemy Number One" 23181% 23182I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a 23183full house and four people died. 23184 -- Steven Wright 23185% 23186I was the best I ever had. 23187 -- Woody Allen 23188% 23189I was toilet-trained at gunpoint. 23190 -- Billy Braver 23191% 23192I was working on a case. It had to be a case, because I couldn't afford a 23193desk. Then I saw her. This tall blond lady. She must have been tall 23194because I was on the third floor. She rolled her deep blue eyes towards 23195me. I picked them up and rolled them back. We kissed. She screamed. I 23196took the cigarette from my mouth and kissed her again. 23197% 23198I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth. 23199 -- Chico Marx 23200% 23201I watch television because you don't know what it will do if you leave it 23202in the room alone. 23203% 23204I went home with a waitress, 23205The way I always do. 23206How I was I to know? 23207She was with the Russians too. 23208 23209I was gambling in Havana, 23210I took a little risk. 23211Send lawyers, guns, and money, 23212Dad, get me out of this. 23213 -- Warren Zevon, "Lawyers, Guns and Money" 23214% 23215I went into the business for the money, and the art grew out of it. 23216If people are disillusioned by that remark, I can't help it. 23217It's the truth. 23218 -- Charlie Chaplin 23219% 23220I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained it to 23221expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass stars, for 23222stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold. I ran it assuming 23223the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be absent -- not because I wanted 23224to know the answer, but because I had developed an intuitive feel for the 23225answer in this particular case. Finally I got a run in which the computer 23226showed the pulsar's temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found 23227an error. I chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the 23228program to the point where it would not run at all. 23229 -- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star: 23230 Of Pulsars, Black Holes and the Fate of Stars" 23231% 23232I went over to my friend, he was eatin' a pickle. 23233I said "Hi, what's happenin'?" 23234He said "Nothin'." 23235Try to sing this song with that kind of enthusiasm; 23236As if you just squashed a cop. 23237 -- Arlo Guthrie, "Motorcycle Song" 23238% 23239I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours. 23240Great song. 23241 -- Fred Reuss 23242% 23243I went to a place to eat. It said `BREAKFAST ANYTIME.' So I ordered 23244French toast during the Renaissance. 23245 -- Stephen Wright 23246% 23247I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." 23248So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. 23249 -- Steven Wright 23250% 23251I went to my first computer conference at the New York Hilton about 20 23252years ago. When somebody there predicted the market for microprocessors 23253would eventually be in the millions, someone else said, "Where are they 23254all going to go? It's not like you need a computer in every doorknob!" 23255 23256Years later, I went back to the same hotel. I noticed the room keys had 23257been replaced by electronic cards you slide into slots in the doors. 23258 23259There was a computer in every doorknob. 23260 -- Danny Hillis 23261% 23262I went to my mother and told her I intended to commence a different life. 23263I asked for and obtained her blessing and at once commenced the career 23264of a robber. 23265 -- Tiburcio Vasquez 23266% 23267I will always love the false image I had of you. 23268% 23269I will follow the good side right to the fire, 23270but not into it if I can help it. 23271 -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne 23272% 23273I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the 23274year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The 23275Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out 23276the lessons that they teach. Oh, tell me that I may sponge away the 23277writing on this stone! 23278 -- Charles Dickens 23279% 23280I will make you shorter by the head. 23281 -- Elizabeth I 23282% 23283I will never lie to you. 23284% 23285I will not be briefed or debriefed, my underwear is my own. 23286% 23287I will not drink! 23288But if I do... 23289I will not get drunk! 23290But if I do... 23291I will not in public! 23292But if I do... 23293I will not fall down! 23294But if I do... 23295I will fall face down so that they cannot see my company badge. 23296% 23297I will not forget you. 23298% 23299I will not play at tug o' war. 23300I'd rather play at hug o' war, 23301Where everyone hugs 23302Instead of tugs, 23303Where everyone giggles 23304And rolls on the rug, 23305Where everyone kisses, 23306And everyone grins, 23307And everyone cuddles, 23308And everyone wins. 23309 -- Shel Silverstein, "Hug O' War" 23310% 23311I will not say that women have no character; rather, they have a new 23312one every day. 23313 -- Heine 23314% 23315I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, 23316we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad. 23317 -- Jack Handey 23318% 23319I WISH I HAD A KRYPTONITE CROSS, because then you could keep both Dracula 23320and Superman away. 23321 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 23322% 23323I wish there was a knob on the TV where you could turn up the 23324intelligence. They've got one called brightness, but it doesn't 23325seem to work. 23326 -- Gallagher 23327% 23328I wish you humans would leave me alone. 23329% 23330I wish you were a Scotch on the rocks. 23331% 23332I woke up a feelin' mean 23333went down to play the slot machine 23334the wheels turned round, 23335and the letters read 23336"Better head back to Tennessee Jed" 23337 -- Grateful Dead 23338% 23339I woke up this morning and discovered that everything in my apartment 23340had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica. I told my roommate, 23341"Isn't this amazing? Everything in the apartment has been stolen and 23342replaced with an exact replica." He said, "Do I know you?" 23343 -- Steven Wright 23344% 23345"I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed. Oh, I 23346know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must 23347be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people 23348I don't know yet and all kinds of adventures and battles." 23349 -- Bastian B. Bux 23350% 23351I wonder what the leash and collar set does for excitement? 23352 -- Tramp, Lady and the Tramp 23353% 23354I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, 23355"If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?" 23356 -- Steven Wright 23357% 23358I would be batting the big feller if they wasn't ready with the other one, 23359but a left-hander would be the thing if they wouldn't have knowed it already 23360because there is more things involved than could come up on the road, even 23361after we've been home a long while. 23362 -- Casey Stengel 23363% 23364I would gladly raise my voice in praise of women, 23365only they won't let me raise my voice. 23366 -- Winkle 23367% 23368I would have made a good pope. 23369 -- Richard Nixon 23370% 23371I would have promised those terrorists a trip to Disneyland if it would have 23372gotten the hostages released. I thank God they were satisfied with the 23373missiles and we didn't have to go to that extreme. 23374 -- Oliver North 23375% 23376I would have you imagine, then, that there exists in the mind of man a block 23377of wax... and that we remember and know what is imprinted as long as the 23378image lasts; but when the image is effaced, or cannot be taken, then we 23379forget or do not know. 23380 -- Plato, Dialogs, Theateus 191 23381 23382 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 23383 referring to image activation and termination.] 23384% 23385I would like the government to do all it can to mitigate, then, in 23386understanding, in mutuality of interest, in concern for the common good, 23387our tasks will be solved. 23388 -- Warren G. Harding 23389% 23390I would like to electrocute everyone who uses the word 'fair' in connection 23391with income tax policies. 23392 -- William F. Buckley 23393% 23394I would like to know 23395What I was fencing in 23396And what I was fencing out. 23397 -- Robert Frost 23398% 23399I would like to suggest that you not use speed, and here's why: it is going 23400to mess up your heart, mess up your liver, your kidneys, rot out your mind. 23401In general this drug will make you just like your mother and father. 23402 -- Frank Zappa 23403% 23404I would much rather have men ask why 23405I have no statue, than why I have one. 23406 -- Marcus Procius Cato 23407% 23408I would not like to be a political leader in Russia. They never know when 23409they're being taped. 23410 -- Richard Nixon 23411 23412I love America. You always hurt the one you love. 23413 -- David Frye impersonating Nixon 23414% 23415I would rather be a serf in a poor man's house 23416and be above ground than reign among the dead. 23417 -- Achilles, "The Odyssey", XI, 489-91 23418% 23419I would rather say that a desire to drive fast 23420sports cars is what sets man apart from the animals. 23421% 23422I wouldn't be so paranoid if you weren't all out to get me!! 23423% 23424I wouldn't marry her with a ten foot pole. 23425% 23426I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity 23427for everyone, but they've always worked for me. 23428 -- Hunter S. Thompson 23429% 23430I wrecked trains because I like to see people die. I like to hear 23431them scream. 23432 -- Sylvestre Matuschka, "the Hungarian Train Wreck Freak", 23433 escaped prison 1937, not heard from since 23434% 23435Iam 23436not 23437very 23438happy 23439acting 23440pleased 23441whenever 23442prominent 23443scientists 23444overmagnify 23445intellectual 23446enlightenment 23447% 23448IBM: 23449 [Internation Business Machines Corp.] Also known as Itty Bitty 23450 Machines or The Lawyer's Friend. The dominant force in computer 23451 marketing, having supplied worldwide some 75% of all known hardware 23452 and 10% of all software. To protect itself from the litigious envy 23453 of less successful organizations, such as the US government, IBM 23454 employs 68% of all known ex-Attorneys' General. 23455% 23456IBM: 23457 I've Been Moved 23458 Idiots Become Managers 23459 Idiots Buy More 23460 Impossible to Buy Machine 23461 Incredibly Big Machine 23462 Industry's Biggest Mistake 23463 International Brotherhood of Mercenaries 23464 It Boggles the Mind 23465 It's Better Manually 23466 Itty-Bitty Machines 23467% 23468IBM Advanced Systems Group -- a bunch of mindless jerks, 23469who'll be first against the wall when the revolution comes... 23470 -- with regrets to D. Adams 23471% 23472IBM had a PL/I, 23473Its syntax worse than JOSS; 23474And everywhere this language went, 23475It was a total loss. 23476% 23477IBM: It may be slow, but it's hard to use. 23478% 23479IBM Pollyanna Principle: 23480 Machines should work. People should think. 23481% 23482IBM's original motto: 23483 Cogito ergo vendo; vendo ergo sum. 23484% 23485I'd be a poorer man if I'd never seen an eagle fly. 23486 -- John Denver 23487 23488[I saw an eagle fly once. Fortunately, I had my eagle fly swatter handy. Ed.] 23489% 23490I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. 23491% 23492I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse. 23493 -- Groucho Marx 23494% 23495I'd just as soon kiss a Wookiee. 23496 -- Princess Leia Organa 23497% 23498I'D LIKE TO BE BURIED INDIAN-STYLE, where they put you up on a high rack, 23499above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even 23500feel it. 23501 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 23502% 23503I'd like to meet the guy who invented beer and see what he's working on now. 23504% 23505I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the 23506whole field to private industry. 23507 -- Joseph Heller 23508% 23509I'd love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair. 23510 -- Bette Davis, "Cabin in the Cotton" 23511% 23512I'd never cry if I did find 23513 A blue whale in my soup... 23514Nor would I mind a porcupine 23515 Inside a chicken coop. 23516Yes life is fine when things combine, 23517 Like ham in beef chow mein... 23518But lord, this time I think I mind, 23519 They've put acid in my rain. 23520 --- Milo Bloom 23521% 23522I'd never join any club that would have the likes of me as a member. 23523 -- Groucho Marx 23524% 23525I'd probably settle for a vampire if he were romantic enough. 23526Couldn't be any worse than some of the relationships I've had. 23527 -- Brenda Starr 23528% 23529I'd rather be led to hell than managed to heavan. 23530% 23531I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy. 23532 -- Fred Allen 23533 23534[Also attributed to S. Clay Wilson. Ed.] 23535% 23536I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42. 23537 -- W.C. Fields 23538% 23539I'd rather just believe that it's done by little elves running around. 23540% 23541I'd rather laugh with the sinners, 23542Than cry with the saints, 23543The sinners are much more fun! 23544 -- Billy Joel, "Only The Good Die Young" 23545% 23546I'd rather push my Harley than ride a rice burner. 23547% 23548Identify your visitor. 23549% 23550idiot box, n: 23551 The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place 23552 the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves. 23553 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 23554% 23555idiot box, n: 23556 The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the 23557 stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves. 23558 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 23559% 23560idiot, n: 23561 A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence 23562 in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. 23563% 23564IDLENESS: 23565 Leisure gone to seed. 23566% 23567Idleness is the holiday of fools. 23568% 23569If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law. 23570 -- Roy Santoro 23571% 23572If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus forecast 23573is a camel's behind. 23574 -- Edgar R. Fiedler 23575% 23576If a can of Alpo costs 38 cents, would it cost $2.50 in Dog Dollars? 23577% 23578If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing their hair. If this doesn't 23579work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child. 23580% 23581If A fool persists in his folly he shall become wise. 23582 -- William Blake 23583% 23584If a group of N persons implements a COBOL compiler, 23585there will be N-1 passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager. 23586 -- T. Cheatham 23587% 23588If a guru falls in the forest with no one to hear him, was he 23589really a guru at all? 23590 -- Strange de Jim, "The Metasexuals" 23591% 23592If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it 23593is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty. 23594 -- Joseph C. Goulden 23595% 23596IF A KID ASKS YOU where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him 23597is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing 23598to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did." 23599 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 23600% 23601If a listener nods his head when you're 23602explaining your program, wake him up. 23603% 23604If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism. 23605 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 23606% 23607If a man has talent and cannot use it, he has failed. 23608 -- Thomas Wolfe 23609% 23610If a man is not a liberal at 25, he has no heart. 23611If he's not a conservative by 45, he has no brain. 23612% 23613If a man loses his reverence for any part of life, 23614he will lose his reverence for all of life. 23615 -- Albert Schweitzer 23616% 23617If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the 23618separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, 23619it might well prolong his life. 23620 -- Charles Darling, "Scintillae Juris, 1877 23621% 23622If a nation expects to be ignorant and free, 23623... it expects what never was and never will be. 23624 -- Thomas Jefferson 23625% 23626If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom; 23627and the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money it values more, it 23628will lose that, too. 23629 -- W. Somerset Maugham 23630% 23631If a person (a) is poorly, (b) receives treatment intended to make him better, 23632and (c) gets better, then no power of reasoning known to medical science can 23633convince him that it may not have been the treatment that restored his health. 23634 -- Sir Peter Medawar, "The Art of the Soluble" 23635% 23636If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. 23637The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position 23638in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop. The law of 23639gravity supercedes the law of golf. 23640 -- Donald A. Metz 23641% 23642If a shameless woman expects to be defiled and then dies of her fierce 23643love because you do not consent, will chastity also be homicide? 23644 -- Saint Augustine 23645% 23646If a small child asks you where rain comes from, I think a reasonable response 23647is simply that "God is crying." And, if he asks you why God is crying, the 23648only possible answer is "Probably because of something you did." 23649% 23650If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, 23651look at him as if he had lost his senses. 23652When he looks down, paraphrase the question back at him. 23653% 23654If a system is administered wisely, 23655its users will be content. 23656They enjoy hacking their code 23657and don't waste time implementing 23658labor-saving shell scripts. 23659Since they dearly love their accounts, 23660they aren't interested in other machines. 23661There may be telnet, rlogin, and ftp, 23662but these don't access any hosts. 23663There may be an arsenal of cracks and malware, 23664but nobody ever uses them. 23665People enjoy reading their mail, 23666take pleasure in being with their newsgroups, 23667spend weekends working at their terminals, 23668delight in the doings at the site. 23669And even though the next system is so close 23670that users can hear its key clicks and biff beeps, 23671they are content to die of old age 23672without ever having gone to see it. 23673% 23674If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good attitude. 23675If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to playing the 23676game right. If it plays the game right, it will win -- unless, of 23677course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager can make 23678goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry? 23679 -- Sparky Anderson 23680% 23681If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly. 23682 -- G.K. Chesterton 23683% 23684If a thing's worth having, it's worth cheating for. 23685 -- W.C. Fields 23686% 23687If a train station is a place where a train stops, what's a workstation? 23688% 23689If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever 23690to get a "fix" of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude 23691that netnews is far more addictive than cocaine. 23692 -- Rob Stampfli 23693% 23694If all be true that I do think, 23695There be five reasons why one should drink; 23696Good friends, good wine, or being dry, 23697Or lest we should be by-and-by, 23698Or any other reason why. 23699% 23700If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error. 23701 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 23702% 23703If all else fails, lower your standards. 23704% 23705If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister? 23706% 23707If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end -- I 23708wouldn't be a bit surprised. 23709 -- Dorothy Parker 23710% 23711If all the seas were ink, 23712And all the reeds were pens, 23713And all the skies were parchment, 23714And all the men could write, 23715These would not suffice 23716To write down all the red tape 23717Of this Government. 23718% 23719If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. 23720 -- Paul Beatty 23721% 23722If all the world's economists were laid end to end, 23723we wouldn't reach a conclusion. 23724 -- William Baumol 23725% 23726If an average person on the subway turns to you, like an ancient mariner, 23727and starts telling you her tale, you turn away or nod and hope she stops, 23728not just because you fear she might be crazy. If she tells her tale on 23729camera, you might listen. Watching strangers on television , even 23730responding to them from a studio audience, we're disengaged - voyeurs 23731collaborating with exhibitionists in rituals of sham community. Never 23732have so many known so much about people for whom they cared so little. 23733 -- Wendy Kaminer commenting on testimonial television 23734 in "I'm Dysfunctional, You're Dysfunctional". 23735% 23736If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. 23737% 23738If an S and an I and an O and a U 23739With an X at the end spell Su; 23740And an E and a Y and an E spell I, 23741Pray what is a speller to do? 23742Then, if also an S and an I and a G 23743And an HED spell side, 23744There's nothing much left for a speller to do 23745But to go commit siouxeyesighed. 23746 -- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament" 23747% 23748If any demonstrator ever lays down in front of my car, it'll be the last 23749car he ever lays down in front of. 23750 -- George Wallace 23751% 23752If any man wishes to be humbled and mortified, 23753let him become president of Harvard. 23754 -- Edward Holyoke 23755% 23756If anyone has seen my dog, please contact me at x2883 as soon as possible. 23757We're offering a substantial reward. He's a sable collie, with three legs, 23758blind in his left eye, is missing part of his right ear and the tip of his 23759tail. He's been recently fixed. Answers to "Lucky". 23760% 23761If anything can go wrong, it will. 23762% 23763If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment. 23764% 23765If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 23766% 23767If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success. 23768% 23769If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. 23770% 23771If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. 23772 -- W.E. Hickson 23773% 23774If at first you don't succeed, try try again. Then quit. 23775No use being a damn fool about it. 23776% 23777If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. 23778Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. 23779 -- W.C. Fields 23780 23781[Also attributed to Roy Mengot. Ed.] 23782% 23783If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer. 23784% 23785If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average. 23786 -- Leonard Levinson 23787% 23788If at first you fricasee, fry, fry again. 23789% 23790If atheism is to be used to express the state of mind in which God is 23791identified with the unknowable, and theology is pronounced to be a 23792collection of meaningless words about unintelligible chimeras, then 23793I have no doubt, and I think few people doubt, that atheists are as 23794plentiful as blackberries. 23795 -- Leslie Stephen 23796% 23797If bankers can count, how come they have 23798eight windows and only four tellers? 23799% 23800If Beethoven's Seventh Symphony is not by 23801some means abridged, it will soon fall into disuse. 23802 -- Philip Hale, Boston music critic, 1837 23803% 23804If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, 23805then the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization. 23806% 23807If built in great numbers, motels will be used for nothing 23808but illegal purposes. 23809 -- J. Edgar Hoover 23810% 23811If Carter is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question. 23812% 23813If Christianity was morality, Socrates would be the Saviour. 23814 -- William Blake 23815% 23816If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in James 23817Watt's office. 23818 -- Wayne Shannon 23819% 23820If coke is a joke, I'm waiting around for the next line. 23821% 23822If computers take over (which seems to be their natural tendency), it will 23823serve us right. 23824 -- Alistair Cooke 23825% 23826If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television? 23827% 23828If England treats her criminals the way she has treated me, she doesn't 23829deserve to have any. 23830 -- Oscar Wilde, reportedly while standing handcuffed in a 23831 driving rain, waiting for transport to prison upon his 23832 conviction for sodomy. 23833% 23834If ever the pleasure of one has to be bought by the pain of the other, 23835there better be no trade. A trade by which one gains and the other loses 23836is a fraud. 23837 -- Dagny Taggart, "Atlas Shrugged" 23838% 23839If ever you want to touch the hand and the heart of God Almighty, you can 23840do it through the body of someone you love. Anytime. Anywhere. Without 23841no middleman. 23842 -- Theodore Sturgeon, "Godbody" 23843% 23844If every kid had a funny tooth to bite down on whenever the world disappointed 23845him, prussic acid could solve our population problems in one generation. 23846 -- G.C. Edmonson's Albert, "The Man Who Corrupted Earth" 23847% 23848If everything on the road of life seems to 23849be coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 23850% 23851If everything seems to be going well, 23852you have obviously overlooked something. 23853% 23854If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing. 23855 -- Bertrand Russell 23856% 23857If food be the music of love, eat up, eat up. 23858% 23859If for every rule there is an exception, then we have established that there 23860is an exception to every rule. If we accept "For every rule there is an 23861exception" as a rule, then we must concede that there may not be an exception 23862after all, since the rule states that there is always the possibility of 23863exception, and if we follow it to its logical end we must agree that there 23864can be an exception to the rule that for every rule there is an exception. 23865 -- Bill Boquist 23866% 23867If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him. 23868 -- Voltaire, "Epitres, XCVI" 23869% 23870If God had a beard, he'd be a UNIX programmer. 23871% 23872If God had intended Man to program, we'd be born with serial I/O ports. 23873% 23874If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire. 23875% 23876If God had intended man to use the metric system, Jesus 23877would have only had ten disciples. 23878% 23879If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet. 23880% 23881If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit Ears. 23882% 23883If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their Heads. 23884% 23885If God had meant for us to be in the Army, 23886we would have been born with green, baggy skin. 23887% 23888If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way. 23889% 23890If God had not given us sticky tape, 23891it would have been necessary to invent it. 23892% 23893If God had really intended men to fly, 23894he'd make it easier to get to the airport. 23895 -- George Winters 23896% 23897If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would 23898have made them cute and furry. 23899 -- Dave Barry 23900% 23901If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had 23902only ten apostles. 23903% 23904If God had wanted you to go around nude, 23905He would have given you bigger hands. 23906% 23907If God hadn't wanted you to be paranoid, 23908He wouldn't have given you such a vivid imagination. 23909% 23910If God is dead, who will save the Queen? 23911% 23912If God is One, what is bad? 23913 -- Charles Manson 23914% 23915If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions? 23916% 23917If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows. 23918 -- Yiddish saying 23919% 23920If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs? 23921 -- Marvin Kitman 23922% 23923If God wanted us to have a President, 23924He would have sent us a candidate. 23925 -- Jerry Dreshfield 23926% 23927If graphics hackers are so smart, 23928why can't they get the bugs out of fresh paint? 23929% 23930If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals? 23931% 23932If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry. 23933 -- Chinese proverb 23934% 23935If he had only learnt a little less, how 23936infinitely better he might have taught much more! 23937% 23938If he once again pushes up his sleeves in order to compute for 3 days 23939and 3 nights in a row, he will spend a quarter of an hour before to 23940think which principles of computation shall be most appropriate. 23941 -- Voltaire, "Diatribe du docteur Akakia" 23942% 23943If he should ever change his faith, 23944it'll be because he no longer thinks he's God. 23945% 23946If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell. 23947 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) 23948% 23949If I could read your mind, love, 23950What a tale your thoughts could tell, 23951Just like a paperback novel, 23952The kind the drugstore sells, 23953When you reach the part where the heartaches come, 23954The hero would be me, 23955Heroes often fail, 23956You won't read that book again, because 23957 the ending is just too hard to take. 23958 23959I walk away, like a movie star, 23960Who gets burned in a three way script, 23961Enter number two, 23962A movie queen to play the scene 23963Of bringing all the good things out in me, 23964But for now, love, let's be real 23965I never thought I could act this way, 23966And I've got to say that I just don't get it, 23967I don't know where we went wrong but the feeling is gone 23968And I just can't get it back... 23969 -- Gordon Lightfoot, "If You Could Read My Mind" 23970% 23971If I could stick my pen in my heart, 23972I would spill it all over the stage. 23973Would it satisfy ya, would it slide on by ya, 23974Would you think the boy was strange? 23975Ain't he strange? 23976... 23977If I could stick a knife in my heart, 23978Suicide right on the stage, 23979Would it be enough for your teenage lust, 23980Would it help to ease the pain? 23981Ease your brain? 23982 -- Rolling Stones, "It's Only Rock'N Roll" 23983% 23984If I don't drive around the park, 23985I'm pretty sure to make my mark. 23986If I'm in bed each night by ten, 23987I may get back my looks again. 23988If I abstain from fun and such, 23989I'll probably amount to much; 23990But I shall stay the way I am, 23991Because I do not give a damn. 23992 -- Dorothy Parker 23993% 23994If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it around. 23995Trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I don't say embrace trouble; that's 23996as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say meet it as a friend, for 23997you'll see a lot of it and you had better be on speaking terms with it. 23998 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. 23999% 24000If *I* had a hammer, there'd be no more folk singers. 24001% 24002IF I HAD A MINE SHAFT, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's 24003got to be a better way. 24004 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 24005% 24006If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell, 24007I'd sell the plantation and go home. 24008 -- Eugene P. Gallagher 24009% 24010If I had any humility I would be perfect. 24011 -- Ted Turner 24012% 24013If I had done everything I'm credited with, I'd be speaking to you from 24014a laboratory jar at Harvard. 24015 -- Frank Sinatra 24016 24017AS USUAL, YOUR INFORMATION STINKS. 24018 -- Frank Sinatra, telegram to "Time" magazine 24019% 24020If I had my life to live over, I'd try to make more mistakes next time. I 24021would relax, I would limber up, I would be sillier than I have been this 24022trip. I know of very few things I would take seriously. I would be crazier. 24023I would climb more mountains, swim more rivers and watch more sunsets. I'd 24024travel and see. I would have more actual troubles and fewer imaginary ones. 24025You see, I am one of those people who lives prophylactically and sensibly 24026and sanely, hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I have had my moments and, 24027if I had it to do over again, I'd have more of them. In fact, I'd try to 24028have nothing else. Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many 24029years ahead each day. I have been one of those people who never go anywhere 24030without a thermometer, a hotwater bottle, a gargle, a raincoat and a parachute. 24031If I had it to do over again, I would go places and do things and travel 24032lighter than I have. If I had my life to live over, I would start bare-footed 24033earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would play hooky 24034more. I probably wouldn't make such good grades, but I'd learn more. I would 24035ride on more merry-go-rounds. I'd pick more daisies. 24036% 24037If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith. 24038 -- Albert Einstein 24039% 24040If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner. 24041 -- Tallulah Bankhead 24042% 24043If I have not seen so far it is because I stood in giant's footsteps. 24044% 24045If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the 24046shoulders of giants. 24047 -- Isaac Newton 24048 24049In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side with 24050the giants on whose shoulders we stand. 24051 -- Gerald Holton 24052 24053If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on 24054my shoulders. 24055 -- Hal Abelson 24056 24057Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders. 24058 -- Gauss 24059 24060Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders while computer scientists 24061stand on each other's toes. 24062 -- Richard Hamming 24063 24064It has been said that physicists stand on one another's shoulders. If 24065this is the case, then programmers stand on one another's toes, and 24066software engineers dig each other's graves. 24067 -- Unknown 24068% 24069If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it. 24070 -- Bob Hope 24071% 24072If I knew what brand [of whiskey] he drinks, 24073I would send a barrel or so to my other generals. 24074 -- Abraham Lincoln, on General Grant 24075% 24076If I love you, what business is it of yours? 24077 -- Goethe 24078% 24079If I love you, what business is it of yours? 24080 -- Johann van Goethe 24081% 24082If I made peace with Russia today, I'd only attack her again tomorrow. I 24083just couldn't help myself. 24084 -- Adolf Hitler 24085% 24086If I promised you the moon and the stars, would you believe it? 24087 -- Alan Parsons Project 24088% 24089If I set here and stare at nothing long enough, people might think 24090I'm an engineer working on something. 24091 -- S.R. McElroy 24092% 24093If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? 24094% 24095If I traveled to the end of the rainbow 24096As Dame Fortune did intend, 24097Murphy would be there to tell me 24098The pot's at the other end. 24099 -- Bert Whitney 24100% 24101If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form. 24102% 24103If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could 24104work for with a great deal of enjoyment. 24105 -- Douglas Jerrold 24106% 24107If I were to walk on water, the press would say I'm only doing it 24108because I can't swim. 24109 -- Bob Stanfield 24110% 24111If I'd known computer science was going to be like this, 24112I'd never have given up being a rock 'n' roll star. 24113 -- G. Hirst 24114% 24115If I'm over the hill, why is it I don't recall ever being on top? 24116 -- Jerry Muscha 24117% 24118If in any problem you find yourself doing an immense amount of work, the 24119answer can be obtained by simple inspection. 24120% 24121If in doubt, mumble. 24122% 24123If it ain't baroque, don't fix it. 24124% 24125If it ain't broke, don't fix it. 24126% 24127If it doesn't smell yet, it's pretty fresh. 24128 -- Dave Johnson, on dead seagulls 24129% 24130If it happens once, it's a bug. 24131If it happens twice, it's a feature. 24132If it happens more than twice, it's a design philosophy. 24133% 24134If it has syntax, it isn't user-friendly. 24135% 24136If it heals good, say it. 24137% 24138If it is a Miracle, any sort of evidence will 24139answer, but if it is a Fact, proof is necessary. 24140 -- Samuel Clemens 24141% 24142If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven. 24143% 24144If it smells it's chemistry, if it crawls it's biology, if it doesn't work 24145it's physics. 24146% 24147If it takes a bloodbath, lets get it over with. No more appeasement. 24148 -- Ronald Reagan 24149% 24150If it wasn't for Newton, we wouldn't have to eat bruised apples. 24151% 24152If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. 24153% 24154If it wasn't so warm out today, it would be cooler. 24155% 24156If it were not for the presents, an elopment would be preferable. 24157 -- George Ade, "Forty Modern Fables" 24158% 24159If it were thought that anything I wrote was influenced by Robert Frost, 24160I would take that particular work of mine, shred it, and flush it down 24161the toilet, hoping not to clog the pipes. A more sententious, holding- 24162forth old bore who expected every hero-worshiping adenoidal little twerp 24163of a student-poet to hang on to his every word I never saw. 24164 -- James Dickey 24165% 24166If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done. 24167% 24168If it's green or wiggles, it's biology. 24169If it stinks, it's chemistry. 24170If it doesn't work, it's physics. 24171% 24172If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist. 24173% 24174If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune. 24175% 24176If it's worth doing, do it for money. 24177% 24178If it's worth doing, it's worth doing for money. 24179% 24180If it's worth hacking on well, it's worth hacking on for money. 24181% 24182If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him. 24183They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make 24184fun of it. 24185 -- Thomas Carlyle 24186% 24187If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they forgot to 24188send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll just think the 24189other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. And if *fifty* pieces 24190of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, why 24191they'll think something *else* is broken! And if 1Gb of mail gets lost, 24192they'll just *know* that uunet is down and think it's a conspiracy to keep 24193them from their God given right to receive Net Mail ... 24194 -- Leith (Casey) Leedom, apologies to Arlo Guthrie 24195% 24196If Karl, instead of writing a lot about Capital, 24197had made a lot of Capital, it would have been much better. 24198 -- Karl Marx's Mother 24199% 24200If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. 24201% 24202If life is a stage, I want some better lighting. 24203% 24204If life is merely a joke, the question 24205still remains: for whose amusement? 24206% 24207If life isn't what you wanted, have you asked for anything else? 24208% 24209If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women 24210you've got in the house. 24211 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 24212% 24213If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question? 24214 -- Lily Tomlin 24215% 24216If Love Were Oil, I'd Be About A Quart Low 24217 -- Book title by Lewis Grizzard 24218% 24219If Machiavelli were a hacker, he'd have worked for the CSSG. 24220 -- Phil Lapsley 24221% 24222If Machiavelli were a programmer, he'd have worked for AT&T. 24223% 24224If man is only a little lower than the angels, the angels should reform. 24225 -- Mary Wilson Little 24226% 24227If mathematically you end up with the wrong 24228answer, try multiplying by the page number. 24229% 24230If men acted after marriage as they do during courtship, there would 24231be fewer divorces -- and more bankruptcies. 24232 -- Frances Rodman 24233% 24234If men are not afraid to die, 24235it is of no avail to threaten them with death. 24236 24237If men live in constant fear of dying, 24238And if breaking the law means a man will be killed, 24239Who will dare to break the law? 24240 24241There is always an official executioner. 24242If you try to take his place, 24243It is like trying to be a master carpenter and cutting wood. 24244If you try to cut wood like a master carpenter, 24245 you will only hurt your hand. 24246 -- Tao Te Ching, "Lao Tsu, #74" 24247% 24248If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would 24249be a merrier world. 24250 -- J.R.R. Tolkien 24251% 24252If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little 24253of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, 24254and from that to incivility and procrastination. 24255 -- Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859) 24256% 24257If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think 24258little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and 24259Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination. 24260 -- Thomas De Quincey 24261% 24262If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and 24263over again, there is no use in reading it at all. 24264 -- Oscar Wilde 24265% 24266If one inquires why the American tradition is so strong against any connection 24267of State and Church, why it dreads even the rudiments of religious teaching 24268in state-maintained schools, the immediate and superficial answer is not 24269far to seek. ... The cause lay largely in the diversity and vitality of the 24270various denominations, each fairly sure that, with a fair field and no favor, 24271it could make its own way; and each animated by a jealous fear that, if any 24272connection of State and Church were permitted, some rival denomination would 24273get an unfair advantage. 24274 -- John Dewey, "Democracy in the Schools", 1908 24275% 24276If one tells the truth, one is sure, sooner or later, to be found out. 24277 -- Oscar Wilde, "Phrases and Philosophies for the Use 24278 of the Young" 24279% 24280If only Dionysus were alive! Where would he eat? 24281 -- Woody Allen 24282% 24283If only God would give me some clear sign! 24284Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. 24285 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 24286% 24287If only one could get that wonderful feeling of 24288accomplishment without having to accomplish anything. 24289% 24290If only you could be respected without having to be respectable. 24291% 24292If only you had a personality instead of an attitude. 24293% 24294If only you knew she loved you, you could 24295face the uncertainty of whether you love her. 24296% 24297If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough. 24298% 24299If parents would only realize how they bore their children. 24300 -- G.B. Shaw 24301% 24302If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, 24303then we are a sorry lot indeed. 24304 -- Albert Einstein 24305% 24306If people concentrated on the really important things in life, 24307there'd be a shortage of fishing poles. 24308 -- Doug Larson 24309% 24310If people drank ink instead of Schlitz, they'd be better off. 24311 -- Edward E. Hippensteel 24312 24313[What brand of ink? Ed.] 24314% 24315If people have to choose between freedom and sandwiches, they 24316will take sandwiches. 24317 -- Lord Boyd-orr 24318 24319Eats first, morals after. 24320 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera" 24321% 24322If people say that here and there someone has been taken away and maltreated, 24323I can only reply: You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs. 24324 -- Hermann Goering 24325% 24326If people see that you mean them no harm, 24327they'll never hurt you, nine times out of ten! 24328% 24329If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice? 24330% 24331If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters. 24332 -- Nora Ephron, "Heartburn" 24333% 24334If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress? 24335% 24336If puns were deli meat, this would be the wurst. 24337% 24338If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit? 24339% 24340If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers. 24341 -- Tom Wicker 24342% 24343If researchers wrote nursery rhymes... 24344 24345Little Miss Muffet sat on her gluteal region, 24346Eating components of soured milk. 24347On at least one occasion, 24348 along came an arachnid and sat down beside her, 24349Or at least in her vicinity, 24350And caused her to feel an overwhelming, but not paralyzing, fear, 24351Which motivated the patient to leave the area rather quickly. 24352 -- Ann Melugin Williams 24353% 24354If Ricky Schroder and Gary Coleman had a fight on television with 24355pool cues, who would win? 24356 1) Ricky Schroder 24357 2) Gary Coleman 24358 3) The television viewing public 24359 -- David Letterman 24360% 24361If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of 24362arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the physical 24363world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker entirely by 24364the use of the mathematics of probability. 24365 -- Vannevar Bush 24366% 24367If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many 24368books on how to? 24369 -- Bette Midler 24370% 24371If she had not been cupric in her ions, 24372Her shape ovoidal, 24373Their romance might have flourished. 24374But he built tetrahedral in his shape, 24375His ions ferric, 24376Love could not help but die, 24377Uncatalyzed, inert, and undernourished. 24378% 24379If society fits you comfortably enough, you call it freedom. 24380 -- Robert Frost 24381% 24382If some people didn't tell you, 24383you'd never know they'd been away on vacation. 24384% 24385If someone had told me I would be Pope 24386one day, I would have studied harder. 24387 -- Pope John Paul I 24388% 24389If someone says he will do something "without fail", he won't. 24390% 24391If something has not yet gone wrong then it would 24392ultimately have been beneficial for it to go wrong. 24393% 24394If swimming is so good for your figure, how come whales look the 24395way they do? 24396% 24397If the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream 24398and never be our destiny. 24399 -- Rene de Visme Williamson 24400% 24401If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a 24402Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per per gallon, 24403and explode once a year killing everyone inside. 24404 -- Robert Cringely, InfoWorld 24405% 24406If the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust, 24407this would be a better world. 24408 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days" 24409% 24410If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong. 24411 -- Norm Schryer 24412% 24413If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to get 24414the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. See in 24415college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving the natural 24416method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting that you shall 24417learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The college, which should 24418be a place of delightful labor, is made odious and unhealthy, and the 24419young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to rally their jaded spirits. 24420I would have the studies elective. Scholarship is to be created not 24421by compulsion, but by awakening a pure interest in knowledge. The wise 24422instructor accomplishes this by opening to his pupils precisely the 24423attractions the study has for himself. The marking is a system for schools, 24424not for the college; for boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to 24425put on a professor. 24426 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 24427% 24428If the designers of X-window built cars, there would be no fewer than five 24429steering wheels hidden about the cockpit, none of which followed the same 24430principles -- but you'd be able to shift gears with your car stereo. Useful 24431feature, that. 24432 -- From the programming notebooks of a heretic, 1990. 24433% 24434If the ends don't justify the means, then what does? 24435 -- Robert Moses 24436% 24437If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical 24438would have something to do with a shortage of flowers. 24439 -- Doug Larson 24440 24441[Not to mention, butterfly would be flutterby. Ed.] 24442% 24443If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts. 24444 -- Albert Einstein 24445% 24446If the future isn't what it used to be, does that 24447mean that the past is subject to change in times to come? 24448% 24449If the girl you love moves in with another guy once, it's more than enough. 24450Twice, it's much too much. Three times, it's the story of your life. 24451% 24452If the government doesn't trust the people, why 24453doesn't it dissolve them and elect a new people? 24454% 24455If the grass is greener on other side of fence, 24456consider what may be fertilizing it. 24457% 24458If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, 24459we would be so simple we couldn't. 24460% 24461If the Lord God Almighty had consulted me before embarking upon the Creation, 24462I would have recommended something simpler. 24463 -- Alfonso the Wise, 13th Century King of Castile, 24464 Commenting on the Almagest, by Ptolemy. 24465% 24466If the master dies and the disciple grieves, 24467the lives of both have been wasted. 24468% 24469If the meanings of "true" and "false" were switched, 24470then this sentence would not be false. 24471% 24472If the Nazi's had television with satellite technology, we'd all be 24473goose-stepping. Americans are just as suggestible. 24474 -- Frank Zappa 24475% 24476If the odds are a million to one against something 24477occurring, chances are 50-50 it will. 24478% 24479If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads. 24480 -- Anatole France 24481% 24482If the rich could pay the poor to die for them, 24483what a living the poor could make! 24484% 24485If the shoe fits, it's ugly. 24486% 24487If the thunder don't get you, then the lightning will. 24488% 24489If the vendors started doing everything right, we would be out of a job. 24490Let's hear it for OSI and X! With those babies in the wings, we can count 24491on being employed until we drop, or get smart and switch to gardening, 24492paper folding, or something. 24493 -- C. Philip Wood 24494% 24495If the very old will remember, the very young will listen. 24496 -- Chief Dan George 24497% 24498If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down. 24499If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down. 24500If the bulletin covers are in short supply, however, 24501church attendance will exceed all expectations. 24502 -- Reverend Chichester 24503% 24504If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams. 24505% 24506If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, 24507the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. 24508 24509If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure 24510can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly develop. 24511% 24512If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing 24513of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur 24514of this life. 24515 -- Albert Camus 24516% 24517If there is a wrong way to do something, then someone will do it. 24518 -- Edward A. Murphy Jr. 24519% 24520If there is any realistic deterrent to marriage, it's the fact that you 24521can't afford divorce. 24522 -- Jack Nicholson 24523% 24524If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? 24525 -- Art Hoppe 24526% 24527If there is no wind, row. 24528 -- Polish proverb 24529% 24530If there really was a Jewish conspiracy to run the world, my rabbi would 24531have let me in on it by now. I contribute enough to the shule. 24532 -- Saul Goodman 24533% 24534If there was in justice in the world, "trust" would be a four-letter word. 24535% 24536If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three 24537years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law 24538school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers. 24539 -- Michael Levin, "The Socratic Method 24540% 24541If they sent one man to the moon, why can't they send them all? 24542% 24543If they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical, 24544go crude. I'm a very technical boy. So I get as crude as possible. These 24545days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even aspire 24546to crudeness... 24547 -- Johnny Mnemonic 24548% 24549If they were so inclined, they could impeach 24550him because they don't like his necktie. 24551 -- Attorney General William Saxbe 24552% 24553If things don't improve soon, you'd better ask them to stop helping you. 24554% 24555If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it. 24556% 24557If this is timesharing, give me my share right now. 24558It's not time yet. 24559% 24560If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same? 24561% 24562If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library? 24563 -- Lily Tomlin 24564% 24565If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is 24566doing the thinking. 24567 -- Lyndon B. Johnson 24568 24569Jerry Ford is a nice guy, but he played too much football with his 24570helmet off. 24571 -- Lyndon B. Johnson 24572 24573I do not believe that this generation of Americans is willing to resign 24574itself to going to bed each night by the light of a Communist moon. 24575 -- Lyndon B. Johnson 24576% 24577If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it. 24578 -- Ernest Hemingway 24579% 24580If two wrongs don't make a right, try three wrongs. 24581% 24582If voting could change the system, it would be illegal. 24583If not voting could change the system, it would be illegal. 24584% 24585If we all work together, we can totally disrupt the system. 24586% 24587If we can ever make red tape nutritional, we can feed the world. 24588 -- R. Schaeberle, "Management Accounting" 24589% 24590If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we would 24591all be millionaires. 24592 -- Abigail Van Buren 24593% 24594If we do not change our direction we are 24595likely to end up where we are headed. 24596% 24597If we don't survive, we don't do anything else. 24598 -- John Sinclair 24599% 24600If we men married the women we deserved, we should have a very bad time 24601of it. 24602 -- Oscar Wilde 24603% 24604"If we relied conclusively on scientific data for every one of our 24605findings, I'm afraid all of our work would be inconclusive." 24606 -- Henry Hudson, of the Meese Pornography Commission, on 24607 criticism of its conclusion that pornography causes sex 24608 crimes. 24609% 24610If we see the light at the end of the tunnel 24611It's the light of an oncoming train. 24612 -- Robert Lowell 24613% 24614If we spoke a different language, we 24615would perceive a somewhat different world. 24616 -- Wittgenstein 24617% 24618If we suffer tamely a lawless attack upon our liberty, 24619we encourage it, and involve others in our doom. 24620 -- Samuel Adams 24621% 24622If we were meant to get up early, God would have created us 24623with alarm clocks. 24624% 24625If we won't stand together, we don't stand a chance. 24626% 24627If what they've been doing hasn't solved the problem, tell them to 24628do something else. 24629 -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting" 24630% 24631If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel 24632in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary 24633qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted. 24634 -- Marguerite Emmons 24635% 24636If wishes were horses, then beggars would be thieves. 24637% 24638If women are supposed to be less rational and more emotional at the 24639beginning of our menstrual cycle, when the female hormone is at its 24640lowest level, then why isn't it logical to say that in those few days 24641women behave the most like the way men behave all month long? 24642 -- Gloria Steinham 24643% 24644If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning. 24645 -- Aristotle Onassis 24646% 24647If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it. 24648Quit work and play for once! 24649% 24650If you analyse anything, you destroy it. 24651 -- Arthur Miller 24652% 24653If you are a police dog, where's your badge? 24654 -- Question James Thurber used to drive his German Shepherd 24655 crazy. 24656% 24657If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry. 24658 -- Anton Chekov 24659% 24660If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry. 24661 -- Chekhov 24662% 24663If you are going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance. 24664% 24665If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are real 24666good, you will get out of it. 24667% 24668If you are honest because honesty is the best policy, 24669your honesty is corrupt. 24670% 24671If you are looking for a kindly, well-to-do older gentleman who is no 24672longer interested in sex, take out an ad in The Wall Street Journal. 24673 -- Abigail Van Buren 24674% 24675If you are not for yourself, who will be for you? 24676If you are for yourself, then what are you? 24677If not now, when? 24678% 24679If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient 24680evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than 24681words. 24682 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" 24683% 24684If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is 24685sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions 24686speak louder than words. 24687 -- Fran Lebowitz 24688% 24689If you are over 80 years old and accompanied 24690by your parents, we will cash your check. 24691% 24692If you are shooting under 80 you are neglecting your business; 24693over 80 you are neglecting your golf. 24694 -- Walter Hagen 24695% 24696If you are smart enough to know that you're not 24697smart enough to be an Engineer, then you're in Business. 24698% 24699If you are too busy to read, then you are too busy. 24700% 24701If you are what you eat, does that mean Euelle Gibbons really was a nut? 24702% 24703If you aren't rich you should always look useful. 24704 -- Louis-Ferdinand Celine 24705% 24706If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars. 24707 -- J. Paul Getty 24708% 24709If you can keep your head when all about you are losing 24710theirs, then you clearly don't understand the situation. 24711% 24712If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse. 24713% 24714If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything. 24715% 24716If you cannot convince them, confuse them. 24717 -- Harry S. Truman 24718% 24719If you cannot in the long run tell everyone 24720what you have been doing, your doing was worthless. 24721 -- Edwim Schrodinger 24722% 24723If you can't be good, be careful. 24724If you can't be careful, give me a call. 24725% 24726If you can't convince them, confuse them. 24727 -- Harry S. Truman 24728% 24729If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights. 24730% 24731If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly. 24732% 24733If you can't read this, blame a teacher. 24734% 24735If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me. 24736 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth 24737% 24738If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious. 24739% 24740If you catch a man, throw him back. 24741 -- Woman's Liberation Slogan, c. 1975 24742% 24743If you continually give you will continually have. 24744% 24745If you could only get that wonderful feeling of 24746accomplishment without having to accomplish anything. 24747% 24748If you didn't get caught, did you really do it? 24749% 24750If you didn't have most of your friends, 24751you wouldn't have most of your problems. 24752% 24753If you didn't have to work so hard, 24754you'd have more time to be depressed. 24755% 24756If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one. 24757 -- John Galsworthy 24758% 24759If you do not wish a man to do a thing, you had better get him to talk about 24760it; for the more men talk, the more likely they are to do nothing else. 24761 -- Carlyle 24762% 24763If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again. 24764% 24765If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost. 24766% 24767If you don't count some of Jehovah's injunctions, there are no humorists 24768in the Bible. 24769 -- Mordecai Richler 24770% 24771If you don't do it, you'll never know what 24772would have happened if you had done it. 24773% 24774If you don't do the things that are not worth doing, who will? 24775% 24776If you don't drink it, someone else will. 24777% 24778If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours. 24779 -- Clarence Day 24780% 24781If you don't have the time right now, 24782will you have redo right time later? 24783% 24784If you don't have time to do it right, where 24785are you going to find the time to do it over? 24786% 24787If you don't know what game you're playing, don't ask what the score is. 24788% 24789If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk! 24790% 24791If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it. 24792 -- Calvin Coolidge 24793% 24794If you don't strike oil in twenty minutes, stop boring. 24795 -- Andrew Carnegie, on public speaking 24796% 24797If you drink, don't park. Accidents make people. 24798% 24799If you ever want to have a lot of fun, I recommend that you go off and program 24800an embedded system. The salient characteristic of an embedded system is that 24801it cannot be allowed to get into a state from which only direct intervention 24802will suffice to remove it. An embedded system can't permanently trust anything 24803it hears from the outside world. It must sniff around, adapt, consider, sniff 24804around, and adapt again. I'm not talking about ordinary modular programming 24805carefulness here. No. Programming an embedded system calls for undiluted 24806raging maniacal paranoia. For example, our ethernet front ends need to know 24807what network number they are on so that they can address and route PUPs 24808properly. How do you find out what your network number is? Easy, you ask a 24809gateway. Gateways are required by definition to know their correct network 24810numbers. Once you've got your network number, you start using it and before 24811you can blink you've got it wired into fifteen different sockets spread all 24812over creation. Now what happens when the panic-stricken operator realizes he 24813was running the wrong version of the gateway which was giving out the wrong 24814network number? Never supposed to happen. Tough. Supposing that your 24815software discovers that the gateway is now giving out a different network 24816number than before, what's it supposed to do about it? This is not discussed 24817in the protocol document. Never supposed to happen. Tough. I think you 24818get my drift. 24819% 24820If you explain something so clearly that no 24821one can possibly misunderstand, someone will. 24822% 24823If you fail to plan, plan to fail. 24824% 24825If you find a solution and become attached to it, 24826the solution may become your next problem. 24827% 24828If you flaunt it, expect to have it trashed. 24829% 24830If you float on instinct alone, how can you 24831calculate the buoyancy for the computed load? 24832 -- Christopher Hodder-Williams 24833% 24834If you fool around with something long 24835enough, it will eventually break. 24836% 24837If you give a man enough rope, he'll claim he's tied up at the office. 24838% 24839If you give Congress a chance to vote on 24840both sides of an issue, it will always do it. 24841 -- Les Aspin, D, Wisconsin 24842% 24843If you go on with this nuclear arms race, 24844all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce. 24845 -- Winston Churchill 24846% 24847If you go out of your mind, do it quietly, 24848so as not to disturb those around you. 24849% 24850If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are 24851all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were 24852swimming. 24853 -- Jack Handey 24854% 24855If you had better tools, you could more 24856effectively demonstrate your total incompetence. 24857% 24858If you had just one moment to live 24859And they granted you one special wish 24860Would you ask for something 24861Like another chance. 24862 -- Traffic, "The Low Spark of Hi Heeled Boys" 24863% 24864If you hands are clean and your cause is just 24865and your demands are reasonable, at least it's a start. 24866% 24867If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some. 24868% 24869If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent. 24870 -- Bette Davis 24871% 24872If you have nothing to do, don't do it here. 24873% 24874If you have received a letter inviting you to speak at the dedication of a 24875new cat hospital, and you hate cats, your reply, declining the invitation, 24876does not necessarily have to cover the full range of your emotions. You must 24877make it clear that you will not attend, but you do not have to let fly at cats. 24878The writer of the letter asked a civil question; attack cats, then, only if 24879you can do so with good humor, good taste, and in such a way that your answer 24880will be courteous as well as responsive. Since you are out of sympathy with 24881cats, you may quite properly give this as a reason for not appearing at the 24882dedication ceremonies of a cat hospital. But bear in mind that your opinion 24883of cats was not sought, only your services as a speaker. Try to keep things 24884straight. 24885 -- Strunk and White, "The Elements of Style" 24886% 24887If you have seen one city slum you have seen them all. 24888 -- Spiro Agnew 24889% 24890If you have to ask how much it is, you can't afford it. 24891% 24892If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know. 24893 -- Louis Armstrong 24894% 24895If you have to hate, hate gently. 24896% 24897If you have to think twice about it, you're wrong. 24898% 24899If you haven't enjoyed the material in the last few lectures then a career 24900in chartered accountancy beckons. 24901 -- Advice from the lecturer in the middle of the Stochastic 24902 Systems course. 24903% 24904If you hype something and it succeeds, you're a genius -- it wasn't a 24905hype. If you hype it and it fails, then it was just a hype. 24906 -- Neil Bogart 24907% 24908If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to boot 24909yourself in the posterior. 24910 -- A.J. Liebling, "The Press" 24911% 24912If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to 24913boot yourself in the posterior. 24914 -- A.J. Liebling 24915% 24916If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it. 24917% 24918If you keep your mind sufficiently open, people will throw a lot of 24919rubbish into it. 24920 -- William Orton 24921% 24922If you knew what to say next, would you say it? 24923% 24924If you know the answer to a question, don't ask. 24925 -- Petersen Nesbit 24926% 24927If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end. 24928 -- Mark Twain 24929% 24930If you laid all the Elvis impersonators in the world, end to end... 24931you'd wanna run and get a steam roller, real fast. 24932 -- David Letterman 24933% 24934If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you'll learn 24935365 useless things. 24936% 24937If you liked the Earth you'll love Heaven. 24938% 24939If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee. 24940 -- Graham Summer 24941% 24942If you live long enough, you'll see that every victory turns into a defeat. 24943 -- Simone De Beauvoir 24944% 24945If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made 24946because very few people die past the age of a hundred. 24947 -- George Burns 24948% 24949If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets 24950and fire them all off, wouldn't you? 24951 -- Garrison Keillor 24952% 24953If you look good and dress well, you don't need a purpose in life. 24954 -- Robert Pante, fashion consultant 24955% 24956If you look like your driver's license photo -- see a doctor. 24957If you look like your passport photo -- it's too late for a doctor. 24958% 24959If you lose a son you can always get another, 24960but there's only one Maltese Falcon. 24961 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon" 24962% 24963If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist, he'll get rich, 24964or famous or both. 24965% 24966If you love someone, set them free. 24967If they don't come back, then call them up when you're drunk. 24968% 24969If you love something set it free. If it doesn't 24970come back to you, hunt it down and kill it. 24971% 24972If you make a mistake you right it 24973immediately to the best of your ability. 24974% 24975If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year 24976with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep. 24977 -- The Best of Will Rogers 24978% 24979If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; 24980but if you really make them think they'll hate you. 24981% 24982If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll 24983be married to a man who cheats on his wife. 24984 -- Ann Landers 24985% 24986If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody 24987in the whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments. 24988% 24989If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break. 24990 -- Schmidt 24991% 24992If you MUST get married, it is always advisable to marry beauty. 24993Otherwise, you'll never find anybody to take her off your hands. 24994% 24995If you need anything just whistle. 24996You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve? 24997Just put your lips together and blow. 24998 -- Lauren Bacall, "To Have and Have Not" 24999% 25000If you notice that a person is deceiving you, 25001they must not be deceiving you very well. 25002% 25003If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not 25004bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. 25005 -- Mark Twain 25006% 25007If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine, 25008you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get 25009ice, but no cup. 25010% 25011If you put it off long enough, it might go away. 25012% 25013If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery. 25014But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, 25015is somehow enobled and no-one dare criticise it. 25016 -- Pierre Gallois 25017% 25018If you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds of a 25019restaurant. 25020 -- Snoopy 25021% 25022If you really want to do something new, the good won't help you with it. 25023Let me have men about me that are arrant knaves. The wicked, who have 25024something on their conscience, are obliging, quick to hear threats, because 25025they know how it's done, and for booty. You can offer them things because 25026they will take them. Because they have no hesitations. You can hang them 25027if they get out of step. Let me have men about me that are utter villains 25028-- provided that I have the power, the absolute power, over life and death. 25029 -- Hermann Goering 25030% 25031If you refuse to accept anything but the best you very often get it. 25032% 25033If you remember the 60's, you weren't there. 25034% 25035If you resist reading what you disagree with, how will you ever acquire 25036deeper insights into what you believe? The things most worth reading 25037are precisely those that challenge our convictions. 25038% 25039If you see an onion ring -- answer it! 25040% 25041If you sell diamonds, you cannot expect to have many customers. 25042But a diamond is a diamond even if there are no customers. 25043 -- Swami Prabhupada 25044% 25045If you sow your wild oats, hope for a crop failure. 25046% 25047If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from 25048many it's research. 25049 -- Wilson Mizner 25050% 25051If you stew apples like cranberries, 25052they taste more like prunes than rhubarb does. 25053 -- Groucho Marx 25054% 25055If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker, 25056It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock. 25057Or some joker who is slicker, 25058Will trick you of your liquor, 25059If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock. 25060% 25061If you stick your head in the sand, 25062one thing is for sure, you're gonna get your rear kicked. 25063% 25064If you suspect a man, don't employ him. 25065% 25066If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have 25067schizophrenia. 25068 -- Thomas Szasz 25069% 25070If you teach your children to like computers and to know how to gamble 25071then they'll always be interested in something and won't come to no real 25072harm. 25073% 25074If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. 25075 -- Mark Twain 25076% 25077If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first. 25078% 25079If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. 25080 -- Derek Bok, president of Harvard 25081% 25082If you think last Tuesday was a drag, 25083wait till you see what happens tomorrow! 25084% 25085If you think nobody cares if you're alive, 25086try missing a couple of car payments. 25087 -- Earl Wilson 25088% 25089If you think the pen is mightier than the sword, the next time 25090someone pulls out a sword I'd like to see you get up there with 25091your Bic. 25092% 25093If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it. 25094 -- Arthur Kasspe 25095% 25096If you think the system is working, 25097ask someone who's waiting for a prompt. 25098% 25099If you think the United States has stood still, 25100who built the largest shopping center in the world? 25101 -- Richard Nixon 25102% 25103If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you 25104lack sufficient imagination. 25105% 25106If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would be 25107to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call you to 25108say they had a nice time. Now you'll be be expected to throw another party 25109next year. 25110 What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake 25111 up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if 25112they've been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious 25113to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning 25114parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having 25115another one ... 25116 If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door, 25117unless your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas 25118through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure that 25119they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting someone, 25120your job is to make sure it isn't you ... 25121 -- Dave Barry 25122% 25123If you took all of the grains of sand in the world, and lined 25124them up end to end in a row, you'd be working for the government! 25125 -- Mr. Interesting 25126% 25127If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them 25128end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable. 25129% 25130If you took all the women at the Harvard Prom 25131and laid them end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised. 25132 -- Dorothy Parker 25133% 25134If you treat people right they will treat you right -- 90% of the time. 25135 -- F.D. Roosevelt 25136% 25137If you try to please everyone, somebody is not going to like it. 25138% 25139If you wait long enough, it will go away... after having 25140done its damage. If it was bad, it will be back. 25141% 25142If you want me to be a good little bunny 25143just dangle some carats in front of my nose. 25144 -- Lauren Bacall 25145% 25146If you want to be ruined, marry a rich woman. 25147 -- Michelet 25148% 25149If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that's 25150read by persons who move their lips when the're reading to themselves. 25151 -- Don Marquis 25152% 25153If you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law. 25154% 25155If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. 25156 -- Woody Allen 25157% 25158If you want to put yourself on the map, publish your own map. 25159% 25160If you want to read about love and marriage you've got to buy two separate 25161books. 25162 -- Alan King 25163% 25164If you want to see card tricks, you have to expect to take cards. 25165 -- Harry Blackstone 25166% 25167If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the 25168Constitution. It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's statecraft. 25169Instead, read selected portions of the Washington telephone directory 25170containing listings for all the organizations with titles beginning with 25171the word "National". 25172 -- George Will 25173% 25174If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word 25175you say, talk in your sleep. 25176% 25177If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some 25178memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' 25179it, even if they don't know what it means. 25180 -- Walt Kelly 25181% 25182If you waste your time cooking, you'll miss the next meal. 25183% 25184If you will practice being fictional for a while, you will understand that 25185fictional characters are sometimes more real than people with bodies and 25186heartbeats. 25187% 25188If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk. 25189If you wish to be happy for three days, get married. 25190If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it. 25191If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish. 25192 -- Chinese Proverb 25193% 25194If you wish to succeed, consult three old people. 25195% 25196If you wish women to love you, be original; I know a man who wore fur 25197boots summer and winter, and women fell in love with him. 25198 -- Anton Chekov 25199% 25200If you work for a man, in heaven's name, work for him. 25201If he pays you wages which supply you bread and butter, work for him; speak 25202 well of him; stand by him, and by the institution he represents. 25203If put to a pinch, an ounce of loyalty is worth a pound of cleverness. 25204If you must vilify, condemn and eternally find disparage -- resign your 25205 position, and when you are outside, damn to your heart's content... 25206 but, as long as you are part of the institution do not condemn it. 25207If you do that, you are loosening the tendrils that are holding you to the 25208 institution, and at the first high wind that comes along, you will 25209 be uprooted and blown away, and probably will never know the reason 25210 why. 25211% 25212If you would keep a secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend. 25213% 25214If you would know the value of money, go try to borrow some. 25215 -- Ben Franklin 25216% 25217If you would understand your own age, read the works 25218of fiction produced in it. People in disguise speak freely. 25219% 25220If you'd like to cultivate insomnia, 25221Bed down with a pretty girl. 25222Amor vincit omnia. 25223% 25224If your aim in life is nothing; you can't miss. 25225% 25226If your bread is stale, make toast. 25227% 25228If your enemy is buried in quicksand up to his neck, pull him out. 25229If he is buried up to his eyes, step on his head. 25230 -- Niccoli Machiavelli, "The Prince" 25231% 25232If your happiness depends on what somebody else does, 25233I guess you do have a problem. 25234 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions" 25235% 25236If your life was a horse, you'd have to shoot it. 25237% 25238If your mother knew what you're doing, 25239she'd probably hang her head and cry. 25240% 25241If your parents don't have kids, neither will you. 25242% 25243If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no 25244longer be fantasies. 25245 -- Fran Lebowitz 25246% 25247If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a 25248piggy-back ride on a buzz-saw. 25249 -- W.C. Fields 25250% 25251If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real 25252embarrassing if someone tries to kill you. 25253 -- Jack Handey 25254% 25255If you're careful enough, nothing 25256bad or good will ever happen to you. 25257% 25258If you're carrying a torch, put it down. 25259The Olympics are over. 25260% 25261If you're constantly being mistreated, 25262you're cooperating with the treatment. 25263% 25264If you're crossing the nation in a covered wagon, it's better to have four 25265strong oxen than 100 chickens. Chickens are OK but we can't make them work 25266together yet. 25267 -- Ross Bott, Pyramid U.S., on multiprocessors at AUUGM '89. 25268% 25269If you're going to America, bring your own food. 25270 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 25271% 25272If you're going to do something tonight 25273that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. 25274 -- Henny Youngman 25275% 25276If you're going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance. 25277% 25278If you're happy, you're successful. 25279% 25280If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. 25281% 25282If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory. 25283 -- Benjamin Disraeli 25284% 25285If you're worried by earthquakes and nuclear war, 25286As well as by traffic and crime, 25287Consider how worry-free gophers are, 25288Though living on burrowed time. 25289 -- Richard Armour, WSJ, 11/7/83 25290% 25291If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round it 25292off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the universe. 25293% 25294If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all. 25295 -- Ronald Reagan 25296% 25297ignisecond, n: 25298 The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car 25299 door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!" 25300 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 25301% 25302IGNORANCE: 25303 When you don't know anything, and someone else finds out. 25304% 25305Ignorance is bliss. 25306 -- Thomas Gray 25307 25308Fortune updates the great quotes, #42: 25309 BLISS is ignorance. 25310% 25311Ignorance is never out of style. It was in fashion yesterday, it is the 25312rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow. 25313 -- Franklin K. Dane 25314% 25315Ignorance is when you don't know anything and somebody finds it out. 25316% 25317Ignorance must certainly be bliss or there wouldn't be so many people 25318so resolutely pursuing it. 25319% 25320Ignore previous fortune. 25321% 25322Il brilgue: les toves libricilleux 25323 Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave, 25324Enmimes sont les gougebosquex, 25325 Et le momerade horgrave. 25326 25327Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven 25328 Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben; 25329Und aller-mumsige Burggoven 25330 Dir mohmen Rath ausgraben. 25331% 25332I'll be comfortable on the couch. Famous last words. 25333 -- Lenny Bruce 25334% 25335I'll be Grateful when they're Dead. 25336% 25337I'll burn my books. 25338 -- Christopher Marlowe 25339% 25340I'll give you my opinion of the human race in a nutshell ... their heart's 25341in the right place, but their head is a thoroughly inefficient organ. 25342 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Summing Up" 25343% 25344I'll grant thee random access to my heart, 25345Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love; 25346And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove 25347And in our bound partition never part. 25348 25349Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain? 25350Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes, 25351A root or two, a torus and a node: 25352The inverse of my verse, a null domain. 25353 25354I see the eigenvalue in thine eye, 25355I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh. 25356Bernoulli would have been content to die 25357Had he but known such a-squared cos 2(thi)! 25358% 25359I'll learn to play the Saxophone, 25360I play just what I feel. 25361Drink Scotch whisky all night long, 25362And die behind the wheel. 25363They got a name for the winners in the world, 25364I want a name when I lose. 25365They call Alabama the Crimson Tide, 25366Call me Deacon Blues. 25367 -- Becker and Fagan, "Deacon Blues" 25368% 25369I'll meet you... on the dark side of the moon... 25370 -- Pink Floyd 25371% 25372I'll never get off this planet. 25373 -- Luke Skywalker 25374% 25375I'll pretend to trust you if you'll pretend to trust me. 25376% 25377I'll turn over a new leaf. 25378 -- Miguel de Cervantes 25379% 25380Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask 25381any Indian. 25382 -- Robert Orben 25383 25384Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery. 25385 -- Jack Paar 25386% 25387Illegitimi non carborundum 25388(translation: no carbonated drinks allowed.) 25389% 25390Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot: 25391it's more like the land He's trying to ignore. 25392% 25393Illiterate? Write today, for free help! 25394% 25395Illusion is the first of all pleasures. 25396 -- Voltaire 25397% 25398I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe 25399that I could have evolved from man. 25400% 25401"I'm a doctor, not a mechanic." 25402 -- "The Doomsday Machine", when asked if he had heard of 25403 the idea of a doomsday machine. 25404"I'm a doctor, not an escalator." 25405 -- "Friday's Child", when asked to help the very pregnant 25406 Ellen up a steep incline. 25407"I'm a doctor, not a bricklayer." 25408 -- Devil in the Dark", when asked to patch up the Horta. 25409"I'm a doctor, not an engineer." 25410 -- "Mirror, Mirror", when asked by Scotty for help in 25411 Engineering aboard the ISS Enterprise. 25412"I'm a doctor, not a coalminer." 25413 -- "The Empath", on being beneath the surface of Minara 2. 25414"I'm a surgeon, not a psychiatrist." 25415 -- "City on the Edge of Forever", on Edith Keeler's remark 25416 that Kirk talked strangely. 25417"I'm no magician, Spock, just an old country doctor." 25418 -- "The Deadly Years", to Spock while trying to cure the 25419 aging effects of the rogue comet near Gamma Hydra 4. 25420"What am I, a doctor or a moonshuttle conductor?" 25421 -- "The Corbomite Maneuver", when Kirk rushed off from a 25422 physical exam to answer the alert. 25423% 25424I'm a Hollywood writer; so I put on 25425a sports jacket and take off my brain. 25426% 25427I'm a lucky guy, and I'm happy to be with the Yankees. And I want to 25428 thank everyone for making this night necessary. 25429 -- Yogi Berra at a dinner in his honor 25430% 25431I'm all for computer dating, but I 25432wouldn't want one to marry my sister. 25433% 25434I'm always looking for a new idea that 25435will be more productive than its cost. 25436 -- David Rockefeller 25437% 25438I'm an artist. 25439But it's not what I really want to do. 25440What I really want to do is be a shoe salesman. 25441I know what you're going to say -- 25442"Dreamer! Get your head out of the clouds." 25443All right! But it's what I want to do. 25444Instead I have to go on painting all day long. 25445 25446The world should make a place for shoe salesmen. 25447 -- J. Feiffer 25448% 25449I'm an evolutionist; I refuse to believe 25450that I could have been created by man. 25451% 25452"I'm ANN LANDERS!! I can SHOPLIFT!!" 25453 -- Zippy the Pinhead 25454% 25455I'm dying beyond my means. 25456 -- Oscar Wilde, his last words, while sipping champagne 25457% 25458"I'm dying," he croaked. 25459"My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted . 25460"You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized. 25461"That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered. 25462"The fire is going out," he bellowed. 25463"Bad marksmanship," the hunter groused. 25464"You ought to see a psychiatrist," he reminded me. 25465"You snake," she rattled. 25466"Someone's at the door," she chimed. 25467"Company's coming," she guessed. 25468"Dawn came too soon," she mourned. 25469"I think I'll end it all," Sue sighed. 25470"I ordered chocolate, not vanilla," I screamed. 25471"Your embroidery is sloppy," she needled cruelly. 25472"Where did you get this meat?" he bridled hoarsely. 25473 -- Gyles Brandreth, "The Joy of Lex" 25474% 25475I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in. 25476 -- George McGovern 25477% 25478I'm for bringing back the birch, but only for consenting adults. 25479 -- Gore Vidal 25480% 25481I'm for peace -- I've yet to see a man wake up in the morning and say "I've 25482just had a good war. 25483 -- Mae West 25484% 25485I'm free -- and freedom tastes of reality. 25486% 25487I'm glad I was not born before tea. 25488 -- Sidney Smith (1771-1845) 25489% 25490I'm glad that I'm an American, 25491I'm glad that I am free, 25492But I wish I were a little doggy, 25493And McGovern were a tree. 25494% 25495I'm going through my "I want to go back to New York" phase today. Happens 25496every six months or so. So, I thought, perhaps unwisely, that I'd share 25497it with you. 25498 25499> In New York in the winter it is million degrees below zero and 25500 the wind travels at a million miles an hour down 5th avenue. 25501> And in LA it's 72. 25502 25503> In New York in the summer it is a million degrees and the humidity 25504 is a million percent. 25505> And in LA it's 72. 25506 25507> In New York there are a million interesting people. 25508> And in LA there are 72. 25509% 25510I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man. 25511 -- Fred Allen 25512% 25513I'm going to give my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes. 25514 -- Woody Allen 25515% 25516I'm going to raise an issue and stick it in your ear. 25517 -- John Foreman 25518% 25519I'm going to Vietnam at the request of the White House. President Johnson 25520says a war isn't really a war without my jokes. 25521 -- Bob Hope 25522% 25523I'm hungry, time to eat lunch. 25524% 25525I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here? 25526 -- Harold Urey 25527% 25528I'm just as sad as sad can be! 25529 I've missed your special date. 25530Please say that you're not mad at me 25531 My tax return is late. 25532 -- Modern Lines for Modern Greeting Cards 25533% 25534I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be 25535living apart. 25536 -- E.E. Cummings 25537% 25538I'm N-ary the tree, I am, 25539N-ary the tree, I am, I am. 25540I'm getting traversed by the parser next door, 25541She's traversed me seven times before. 25542And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!) 25543Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!) 25544I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary. 25545N-ary the tree I am, I am, 25546N-ary the tree I am. 25547 -- Stolen from Paul Revere and the Raiders 25548% 25549I'm not a lovable man. 25550 -- Richard Nixon. 25551% 25552I'm not a real movie star -- I've still got the same wife I started out 25553with twenty-eight years ago. 25554 -- Will Rogers 25555% 25556I'm not afraid of death -- I just don't want to be there when it happens. 25557 -- Woody Allen 25558% 25559I'm not denyin' the women are foolish: God Almighty made 'em to 25560match the men. 25561 -- George Eliot 25562% 25563I'm not even going to *bother* comparing C to BASIC or FORTRAN. 25564 -- L. Zolman, creator of BDS C 25565% 25566I'm not laughing with you, I'm laughing at you. 25567% 25568I'm not offering myself as an example; 25569every life evolves by its own laws. 25570% 25571I'm not prejudiced, I hate everyone equally. 25572% 25573I'm not proud. 25574% 25575"I'm not stupid, I'm not expendable, and I'M NOT GOING!" 25576% 25577I'm not sure I've even got the brains to be President. 25578 -- Barry Goldwater, in 1964 25579% 25580I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert! 25581% 25582I'm not the person your mother warned you about... her imagination isn't 25583that good. 25584 -- Amy Gorin 25585% 25586I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol 25587that some thinkle peep I am. 25588It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get. 25589% 25590I'm often asked the question, "Do you think there is extraterrestrial intelli- 25591gence?" I give the standard arguments -- there are a lot of places out there, 25592and use the word *billions*, and so on. And then I say it would be astonishing 25593to me if there weren't extraterrestrial intelligence, but of course there is as 25594yet no compelling evidence for it. And then I'm asked, "Yeah, but what do you 25595really think?" I say, "I just told you what I really think." "Yeah, but 25596what's your gut feeling?" But I try not to think with my gut. Really, it's 25597okay to reserve judgment until the evidence is in. 25598 -- Carl Sagan 25599% 25600I'm prepared for all emergencies but 25601totally unprepared for everyday life. 25602% 25603I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is 25604-- I could be just as proud for half the money. 25605 -- Arthur Godfrey 25606% 25607I'm really enjoying not talking to you... 25608Let's not talk again REAL soon... 25609% 25610I'm so broke I can't even pay attention. 25611% 25612I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here. 25613% 25614I'm sorry, but my kharma just ran over your dogma. 25615% 25616I'm sorry I missed. 25617 -- Squeaky Fromme 25618% 25619I'm sorry if the correct way of doing things offends you. 25620% 25621I'm still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie. 25622% 25623I'm successful because I'm lucky. 25624The harder I work, the luckier I get. 25625% 25626"I'm terribly sorry, sir," the novice barber apologized, after badly nicking 25627a customer. "Let me wrap your head in a towel." 25628 "That's all right," said the customer. "I'll just take it home under 25629my arm." 25630% 25631I'm very good at integral and differential calculus, 25632I know the scientific names of beings animalculous; 25633In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, 25634I am the very model of a modern Major-General. 25635 -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "The Pirates of Penzance" 25636% 25637I'm very old-fashioned. I believe that people should marry for life, 25638like pigeons and Catholics. 25639 -- Woody Allen 25640% 25641Imagination is more important than knowledge. 25642 -- A. Einstein 25643% 25644Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality. 25645 -- Jules de Gaultier 25646% 25647Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual 25648way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of 25649complaining. 25650 -- Jef Raskin 25651% 25652Imagine me going around with a pot belly. 25653It would mean political ruin. 25654 -- Adolf Hitler 25655% 25656Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has a 25657150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk storage, a 25658screen resolution of 1024 x 1024 pixels, relies entirely on voice recognition 25659for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300. What's the first 25660question that the computer community asks? 25661 25662"Is it PC compatible?" 25663% 25664Imagine there's no heaven... it's easy if you try. 25665 -- John Lennon, "Imagine" 25666% 25667Imagine what we can imagine! 25668 -- Arthur Rubinstein 25669% 25670Imbalance of power corrupts and monopoly of power corrupts absolutely. 25671 -- Genji 25672% 25673Imbesi's Law with Freeman's Extension: 25674 In order for something to become clean, something else must 25675 become dirty; but you can get everything dirty without getting 25676 anything clean. 25677% 25678Imitation is the sincerest form of television. 25679 -- Fred Allen 25680% 25681Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant. 25682% 25683Immanuel Kant but Kubla Khan. 25684% 25685Immature artists imitate, mature artists steal. 25686 -- Lionel Trilling 25687% 25688Immature poets imitate, mature poets steal. 25689 -- T.S. Eliot, "Philip Massinger" 25690% 25691Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery. 25692 -- Jack Paar 25693% 25694Immortality -- a fate worse than death. 25695 -- Edgar A. Shoaff 25696% 25697Immutability, Three Rules of: 25698 (1) If a tarpaulin can flap, it will. 25699 (2) If a small boy can get dirty, he will. 25700 (3) If a teenager can go out, he will. 25701% 25702IMPARTIAL: 25703 Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from 25704 espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two 25705 conflicting opinions. 25706% 25707Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. 25708Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the Boss is reading 25709it. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving 25710from where you left them to where you can't find them. 25711% 25712In 1967, the Soviet Government minted a beautiful silver ruble with Lenin 25713in a very familiar pose - arms raised above him, leading the country to 25714revolution. But, it was clear to everybody, that if you looked at it from 25715behind, it was clear that Lenin was pointing to 11:00, when the Vodka 25716shops opened, and was actually saying, "Comrades, forward to the Vodka shops. 25717 25718It became fashionable, when one wanted to have a drink, to take out the 25719ruble and say, "Oh my goodness, Comrades, Lenin tells me we should go. 25720% 25721In 1989, the United States, which was displeased with the policies of the 25722dictator of Panama, invaded that country and placed in power a government 25723more to its liking. 25724 25725In 1990, Iraq, which was displeased with the policies of the dictator of 25726Kuwait, invaded that country and placed in power a government more to its 25727liking. 25728% 25729In a bottle, the neck is always at the top. 25730% 25731In a circuit with a fast-acting fuse, 25732an IC will blow to protect the fuse. 25733% 25734In a consumer society there are inevitably two kinds of slaves: 25735the prisoners of addiction and the prisoners of envy. 25736% 25737In a country where the sole employer is the State, opposition means death 25738by slow starvation. The old principle: Who does not work shall not eat, 25739has been replaced by a new one: Who does not obey shall not eat. 25740 -- Leon Trotsky, 1937 25741% 25742In a display of perverse brilliance, Carl the repairman mistakes a room 25743humidifier for a mid-range computer but manages to tie it into the network 25744anyway. 25745 -- The 5th Wave 25746% 25747In a five year period we can get one superb programming language. 25748Only we can't control when the five year period will begin. 25749% 25750In a gathering of two or more people, when a lighted cigarette is 25751placed in an ashtray, the smoke will waft into the face of the non-smoker. 25752% 25753In a great romance, each person basically plays a part that the 25754other really likes. 25755 -- Elizabeth Ashley 25756% 25757In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence ... 25758in time every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent 25759to carry out its duties ... Work is accomplished by those employees who 25760have not yet reached their level of incompetence. 25761 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter, "The Peter Principle" 25762% 25763In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between 25764frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they 25765are all merely transforms of one another. This combined with 25766minimization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct 25767compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can 25768lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost. However, 25769this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd. 25770% 25771In a surprise raid last night, federal agent's ransacked a house in search 25772of a rebel computer hacker. However, they were unable to complete the arrest 25773because the warrant was made out in the name of Don Provan, while the only 25774person in the house was named don provan. Proving, once again, that Unix is 25775superior to Tops10. 25776% 25777In a whiskey it's age, in a cigarette it's 25778taste and in a sports car it's impossible. 25779% 25780In America any boy may become President, and I suppose that's just the 25781risk he takes. 25782 -- Adlai Stevenson 25783% 25784In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save. 25785% 25786In an age when the fashion is to be in love with yourself, confessing to 25787be in love with somebody else is an admission of unfaithfulness to one's 25788beloved. 25789 -- Russell Baker 25790% 25791In an orderly world, there's always a place for the disorderly. 25792% 25793In any country there must be people who have to die. They are the 25794sacrifices any nation has to make to achieve law and order. 25795 -- Idi Amin Dada 25796% 25797In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks) 25798are to be treated as variables. 25799% 25800In any problem, if you find yourself doing an infinite amount of work, 25801the answer may be obtained by inspection. 25802% 25803In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations -- 25804it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir. 25805 -- Stuart Keate 25806% 25807IN BOX: 25808 A catch basin for everything you don't want 25809 to deal with, but are afraid to throw away. 25810% 25811In breeding cattle you need one bull for every twenty-five cows, unless 25812the cows are known sluts. 25813 -- Johnny Carson 25814% 25815In Brooklyn, we had such great pennant races, it 25816made the World Series just something that came later. 25817 -- Walter O'Malley, Dodgers owner 25818% 25819In buying horses and taking a wife 25820shut your eyes tight and commend yourself to God. 25821% 25822In California, Bill Honig, the Superintendent of Public Instruction, said he 25823thought the general public should have a voice in defining what an excellent 25824teacher should know. "I would not leave the definition of math," Dr. Honig 25825said, "up to the mathematicians." 25826 -- The New York Times, October 22, 1985 25827% 25828In California they don't throw their garbage away -- they make 25829it into television shows. 25830 -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall" 25831% 25832In case of atomic attack, all work rules will be temporarily suspended. 25833% 25834In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling 25835against prayer in schools will be temporarily cancelled. 25836% 25837In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!" 25838 -- The Kidner Report 25839% 25840In case of fire, yell "FIRE!" 25841% 25842In case of injury notify your superior immediately. 25843He'll kiss it and make it better. 25844% 25845In charity there is no excess. 25846 -- Francis Bacon 25847% 25848In childhood a woman must be subject to her father; in youth to her 25849husband; when her husband is dead, to her sons. A woman must never 25850be free of subjugation. 25851 -- The Hindu Code of Manu 25852% 25853In computing, the mean time to failure keeps getting shorter. 25854% 25855In Christianity, a man may have only one wife. 25856This is called Monotony. 25857% 25858In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable. 25859 -- W. Churchill, on General Montgomery 25860% 25861In dwelling, be close to the land. 25862In meditation, delve deep into the heart. 25863In dealing with others, be gentle and kind. 25864In speech, be true. 25865In work, be competent. 25866In action, be careful of your timing. 25867 -- Lao Tsu 25868% 25869In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our 25870programming languages. 25871% 25872In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty. 25873 -- Thomas Jefferson 25874% 25875In every hierarchy the cream rises until it sours. 25876 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter 25877% 25878In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun. 25879Find the fun and snap! The job's a game. 25880And every task you undertake, becomes a piece of cake, 25881 a lark, a spree; it's very clear to see. 25882 -- Mary Poppins 25883% 25884In every non-trivial program there is at least one bug. 25885% 25886In fact, S. M. Simpson, eventually devised an efficient 24-point Fourier 25887transform, which was a precursor to the Cooley-Tukey fast Fourier transform 25888in 1965. The FFT made all of Simpson's efficient autocorrelation and 25889spectrum programs instantly obsolete, on which he had worked half a lifetime. 25890 -- Proc. IEEE, Sept. 1982, p.900 25891% 25892In fiction the recourse of the powerless is murder; 25893in life the recourse of the powerless is petty theft. 25894% 25895In Germany they first came for the Communists and I didn't speak up because 25896I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up 25897because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I 25898didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the 25899Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came 25900for me -- and by that time no one was left to speak up. 25901 -- Pastor Martin Niemoller 25902% 25903In God we trust; all else we walk through. 25904% 25905In good speaking, should not the mind of the speaker 25906know the truth of the matter about which he is to speak? 25907 -- Plato 25908% 25909In her first passion woman loves her lover, 25910In all the others all she loves is love. 25911 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan" 25912% 25913In high school in Brooklyn 25914I was the baseball manager, 25915proud as I could be 25916I chased baseballs, 25917gathered thrown bats 25918handed out the towels Eventually, I bought my own 25919It was very important work but it was dark blue while 25920for a small spastic kid, the official ones were green 25921but I was a team member Nobody ever said anything 25922When the team got to me about my blue jacket; 25923their warm-up jackets the guys were my friends 25924I didn't get one Yet it hurt me all year 25925Only the regular team to wear that blue jacket 25926got these jackets, and among all those green ones 25927surely not a manager Even now, forty years after, 25928 I still recall that jacket 25929 and the memory goes on hurting. 25930 -- Bart Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance" 25931% 25932In Hollywood, all marriages are happy. It's trying to live together 25933afterwards that causes the problems. 25934 -- Shelley Winters 25935% 25936In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it. 25937 -- Rex Reed 25938% 25939In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into 25940use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather 25941which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy. 25942 -- Mark Twain 25943% 25944In Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, 25945murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci 25946and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had 25947five hundred years of democracy and peace -- and what did they produce? 25948The cuckoo-clock. 25949 -- Orson Welles, "The Third Man" 25950% 25951In just seven days, I can make you a man! 25952 -- The Rocky Horror Picture Show 25953 [ (and seven nights...) Ed.] 25954% 25955In less than a century, computers will be making substantial 25956progress on ... the overriding problem of war and peace. 25957 -- James Slagle 25958% 25959In like a dimwit, out like a light. 25960 -- Pogo 25961% 25962In love, she who gives her portrait promises the original. 25963 -- Bruton 25964% 25965In marriage, as in war, it is permitted 25966to take every advantage of the enemy. 25967% 25968In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but 25969the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they 25970have obtained from books of travel. 25971 -- Mark Twain 25972% 25973In matters of principle, stand like a rock; 25974in matters of taste, swim with the current. 25975 -- Thomas Jefferson 25976% 25977In Mexico we have a word for sushi: bait. 25978 -- Josi Simon 25979% 25980In Minnesota they ask why all football fields in Iowa have artificial turf. 25981It's so the cheerleaders won't graze during the game. 25982% 25983In most instances, all an argument 25984proves is that two people are present. 25985% 25986In my end is my beginning. 25987 -- Mary Stuart, Queen of Scots 25988% 25989In my experience, if you have to keep the lavatory door shut by extending 25990your left leg, it's modern architecture. 25991 -- Nancy Banks Smith 25992% 25993IN MY OPINION anyone interested in improving himself should not rule out 25994becoming pure energy. 25995 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 25996% 25997In Nature there are neither rewards nor 25998punishments, there are consequences. 25999 -- R.G. Ingersoll 26000% 26001In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar -- 26002a practice which is still continued. 26003 -- Helen Rowland 26004% 26005In order to dial out, it is necessary to broaden one's dimension. 26006% 26007In order to discover who you are, first learn who everybody else is; 26008you're what's left. 26009% 26010In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it. 26011% 26012In order to live free and happily, you must sacrifice boredom. 26013It is not always an easy sacrifice. 26014% 26015In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence 26016is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office. 26017 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 26018% 26019In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, 26020intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption 26021from the cares of office. 26022% 26023In Oz, never say "krizzle kroo" to a Woozy. 26024% 26025In Pierre Trudeau, Canada has finally produced 26026a Prime Minister worthy of assassination. 26027 -- John Diefenbaker 26028% 26029In practice, failures in system development, like unemployment in Russia, 26030happens a lot despite official propaganda to the contrary. 26031 -- Paul Licker 26032% 26033In real love you want the other person's good. In romantic love you 26034want the other person. 26035 -- Margaret Anderson 26036% 26037In San Francisco, Halloween is redundant. 26038 -- Will Durst 26039% 26040In science it often happens that scientists say, 'You know that's a really 26041good argument; my position is mistaken,' and then they actually change 26042their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. They really 26043do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are 26044human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot 26045recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion. 26046 -- Carl Sagan, 1987 CSICOP keynote address 26047% 26048In short, N is Richardian if, and only if, N is not Richardian. 26049% 26050In spite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart. 26051 -- Ann Frank 26052% 26053In success there's a tendency to keep on doing what you were doing. 26054 -- Alan Kay 26055% 26056In the beginning there was nothing. And the Lord said "Let There Be Light!" 26057And still there was nothing, but at least now you could see it. 26058% 26059In the beginning was the word. 26060But by the time the second word was added to it, 26061There was trouble. 26062For with it came syntax ... 26063 -- John Simon 26064% 26065In the course of reading Hadamard's "The Psychology of Invention in the 26066Mathematical Field", I have come across evidence supporting a fact 26067which we coffee achievers have long appreciated: no really creative, 26068intelligent thought is possible without a good cup of coffee. On page 2606914, Hadamard is discussing Poincare's theory of fuchsian groups and 26070fuchsian functions, which he describes as "... one of his greatest 26071discoveries, the first which consecrated his glory ..." Hadamard refers 26072to Poincare having had a "... sleepless night which initiated all that 26073memorable work ..." and gives the following, very revealing quote: 26074 26075 "One evening, contrary to my custom, I drank black coffee and 26076 could not sleep. Ideas rose in crowds; I felt them collide 26077 until pairs interlocked, so to speak, making a stable 26078 combination." 26079 26080Too bad drinking black coffee was contrary to his custom. Maybe he 26081could really have amounted to something as a coffee achiever. 26082% 26083In the days of old, 26084When Knights were bold, 26085 And women were too cautious; 26086Oh, those gallant days, 26087When women were women, 26088 And men were really obnoxious. 26089% 26090In the dimestores and bus stations 26091People talk of situations 26092Read books repeat quotations 26093Draw conclusions on the wall. 26094 -- Bob Dylan 26095% 26096In the early morning queue, 26097With a listing in my hand. 26098With a worry in my heart, There on terminal number 9, 26099Waitin' here in CERAS-land. Pascal run all set to go. 26100I'm a long way from sleep, But I'm waitin' in the queue, 26101How I miss a good meal so. With this code that ever grows. 26102In the early mornin' queue, Now the lobby chairs are soft, 26103With no place to go. But that can't make the queue move fast. 26104 Hey, there it goes my friend, 26105 I've moved up one at last. 26106 -- Ernest Adams, "Early Morning Queue", to "Early 26107 Morning Rain" by G. Lightfoot 26108% 26109In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish. It changes 26110into a bird whose wings are like clouds filling the sky. When this bird 26111moves across the land, it brings a message from Corporate Headquarters. This 26112message it drops into the midst of the programmers, like a seagull making 26113its mark upon the beach. Then the bird mounts on the wind and, with the blue 26114sky at its back, returns home. 26115 26116The novice programmer stares in wonder at the bird, for he understands it not. 26117The average programmer dreads the coming of the bird, for he fears its message. 26118The master programmer continues to work at his terminal, for he does not know 26119 that the bird has come and gone. 26120% 26121In the eyes of my dog, I'm a man. 26122 -- Martin Mull 26123% 26124In the first place, God made idiots; 26125this was for practice; then he made school boards. 26126 -- Mark Twain 26127% 26128In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in 26129the proper order then why can't he? 26130% 26131In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in 26132the proper order then why can't he? 26133 26134 26135I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah 26136Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda 26137 S-O-D-A soda 26138I saw the little runt sitting there on a log 26139I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda 26140 Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda 26141 26142Well I've been around but I ain't never seen 26143A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green 26144 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda 26145Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand 26146How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand 26147 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda 26148 -- The STAR WARS Song, to "Lola", by the Kinks 26149% 26150In the future, there will be fewer but better Russians. 26151 -- Joseph Stalin 26152% 26153In the future, you're going to get computers as prizes in breakfast cereals. 26154You'll throw them out because your house will be littered with them. 26155% 26156In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls. 26157 -- Lenny Bruce 26158% 26159In the highest society, as well as in the lowest, 26160woman is merely an instrument of pleasure. 26161 -- Tolstoy 26162% 26163In the land of the dark the Ship of the 26164Sun is driven by the Grateful Dead. 26165 -- Egyptian Book of the Dead 26166% 26167In the long run, every program becomes rococco, and then rubble. 26168 -- Alan Perlis 26169% 26170In the long run we are all dead. 26171 -- John Maynard Keynes 26172% 26173In the middle of a wide field is a pot of gold. 100 feet to the north stands 26174a smart manager. 100 feet to the south stands a dumb manager. 100 feet to 26175the east is the Easter Bunny, and 100 feet to the west is Santa Claus. 26176 26177Q: Who gets to the pot of gold first? 26178A: The dumb manager. All the rest are myths. 26179% 26180In the midst of one of the wildest parties he'd ever been to, the young man 26181noticed a very prim and pretty girl sitting quietly apart from the rest of 26182the revelers. Approaching her, he introduced himself and, after some quiet 26183conversation, said, "I'm afraid you and I don't really fit in with this 26184jaded group. Why don't I take you home?"" 26185 "Fine," said the girl, smiling up at him demurely. "Where do you 26186live?" 26187% 26188In the misfortune of our friends we find something that is not 26189displeasing to us. 26190 -- La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims" 26191% 26192In the next world, you're on your own. 26193% 26194In the Old West a wagon train is crossing the plains. As night falls the 26195wagon train forms a circle, and a campfire is lit in the middle. After 26196everyone has gone to sleep two lone cavalry officers stand watch over the 26197camp. 26198 After several hours of quiet, they hear war drums starting from 26199a nearby Indian village they had passed during the day. The drums get 26200louder and louder. 26201 Finally one soldier turns to the other and says, "I don't like 26202the sound of those drums." 26203 Suddenly, they hear a cry come from the Indian camp: "IT'S 26204NOT OUR REGULAR DRUMMER." 26205% 26206In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a 26207loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to 26208you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty 26209lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you stole a dog 26210and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit punches, although it 26211was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong enough to punch you. 26212 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 26213% 26214In the plot, people came to the land; the land loved them; they worked and 26215struggled and had lots of children. There was a Frenchman who talked funny 26216and a greenhorn from England who was a fancy-pants but when it came to the 26217crunch he was all courage. Those novels would make you retch. 26218 -- Canadian novelist Robertson Davies, on the generic Canadian 26219 novel. 26220% 26221In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has 26222shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the Old 26223Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred 26224thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years from now the 26225Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. ... There is 26226something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesome returns of 26227conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact. 26228 -- Mark Twain 26229% 26230In the Spring, I have counted 136 26231different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours. 26232 -- Mark Twain, on New England weather 26233% 26234In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator. 26235% 26236In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to drop 26237out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at discotheques. 26238 -- Art Linkletter 26239% 26240In the war of wits, he's unarmed. 26241% 26242In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. 26243In practice, there is. 26244% 26245In these matters the only certainty is that there is nothing certain. 26246 -- Pliny the Elder 26247% 26248In this vale 26249Of toil and sin 26250Your head grows bald 26251But not your chin. 26252 -- Burma Shave 26253% 26254In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. 26255 -- Benjamin Franklin 26256% 26257In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be 26258thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican. 26259 -- H.L. Mencken 26260% 26261In this world some people are going to like me and some are not. 26262So, I may as well be me. Then I know if someone likes me, they like me. 26263% 26264In this world there are only two tragedies. One is 26265not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it. 26266 -- Oscar Wilde 26267% 26268In this world, truth can wait; she's used to it. 26269% 26270In time, every post tends to be occupied by an 26271employee who is incompetent to carry out its duties. 26272 -- Dr. L.J. Peter 26273% 26274In /users3 did Kubla Kahn 26275A stately pleasure dome decree, 26276Where /bin, the sacred river ran 26277Through Test Suites measureless to Man 26278Down to a sunless C. 26279% 26280In war it is not men, but the man who counts. 26281 -- Napoleon 26282% 26283In war, truth is the first casualty. 26284 -- U Thant 26285% 26286In which level of metalanguage are you now speaking? 26287% 26288In wine there is truth (In vino veritas). 26289 -- Pliny 26290% 26291In Xanadu did Kubla Khan a stately pleasure dome decree 26292But only if the NFL to a franchise would agree. 26293% 26294In Xanadu did Kubla Khan 26295A stately pleasure dome decree: 26296Where Alph, the sacred river, ran 26297Through caverns measureless to man 26298Down to a sunless sea. 26299So twice five miles of fertile ground 26300With walls and towers were girdled round: 26301And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills, 26302Where blossomed many an incense-bearing tree; 26303And here were forest ancient as the hills, 26304Enfolding sunny spots of greenery. 26305 -- S.T. Coleridge, "Kubla Kahn" 26306% 26307In youth, it was a way I had 26308To do my best to please, 26309And change, with every passing lad, 26310To suit his theories. 26311 26312But now I know the things I know, 26313And do the things I do; 26314And if you do not like me so, 26315To hell, my love, with you! 26316 -- Dorothy Parker, "Indian Summer" 26317% 26318INCENTIVE PROGRAM: 26319 The system of long and short-term rewards that a corporation uses 26320 to motivate its people. Still, despite all the experimentation with 26321 profit sharing, stock options, and the like, the most effective 26322 incentive program to date seems to be "Do a good job and you get to 26323 keep it." 26324% 26325Include me out. 26326% 26327Increased knowledge will help you now. 26328Have mate's phone bugged. 26329% 26330INCUMBENT: 26331 Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents. 26332% 26333Indecision is the true basis for flexibility. 26334% 26335Indeed, the first noble truth of Buddhism, usually translated as 26336`all life is suffering,' is more accurately rendered `life is filled 26337with a sense of pervasive unsatisfactoriness.' 26338 -- M.D. Epstein 26339% 26340INDEX: 26341 Alphabetical list of words of no possible interest where an 26342 alphabetical list of subjects with references ought to be. 26343% 26344Indiana is a state dedicated to basketball. Basketball, soybeans, hogs and 26345basketball. Berkeley, needless to say, is not nearly as athletic. Berkeley 26346is dedicated to coffee, angst, potholes and coffee. 26347 -- Carolyn Jones 26348% 26349Indifference will certainly be the downfall of mankind, but who cares? 26350% 26351Individualists unite! 26352% 26353Indomitable in retreat; invincible in 26354advance; insufferable in victory. 26355 -- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery 26356% 26357infancy, n: 26358 The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven lies 26359about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward. 26360 -- Ambrose Bierce 26361% 26362Infidel: In New York, one who does not believe in the 26363Christian religion; in Constantinople, one who does. 26364 -- Ambrose Bierce 26365% 26366Inform all the troops that communications have completely broken down. 26367% 26368Information Center: 26369 A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is to 26370 tell you why you cannot have the information you require. 26371% 26372Information is the inverse of entropy. 26373% 26374Information Processing: 26375 What you call data processing when people are so disgusted with 26376 it they won't let it be discussed in their presence. 26377% 26378Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations 26379 26380 Sign on a cabin door of a Soviet Black Sea cruise liner: 26381 Helpsavering apparata in emergings behold many whistles! 26382 Associate the stringing apparata about the bosums and meet 26383 behind, flee then to the indifferent lifesaveringshippen 26384 obedicing the instructs of the vessel. 26385 26386 On the door in a Belgrade hotel: 26387 Let us know about any unficiency as well as leaking on 26388 the service. Our utmost will improve it. 26389 26390 -- Colin Bowles 26391% 26392Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations 26393 26394 Sign on a cathedral in Spain: 26395 It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner if 26396 dressed as a man. 26397 26398 Above the entrance to a Cairo bar: 26399 Unaccompanied ladies not admitted unless with husband 26400 or similar. 26401 26402 On a Bucharest elevator: 26403 26404 The lift is being fixed for the next days. 26405 During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. 26406 26407 -- Colin Bowles 26408% 26409Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations 26410 26411 Various signs in Poland: 26412 26413 Right turn toward immediate outside. 26414 26415 Go soothingly in the snow, as there lurk the ski demons. 26416 26417 Five o'clock tea at all hours. 26418 26419 In a men's washroom in Sidney: 26420 26421 Shake excess water from hands, push button to start, 26422 rub hands rapidly under air outlet and wipe hands 26423 on front of shirt. 26424 26425 -- Colin Bowles, San Francisco Chronicle 26426% 26427ingrate, n: 26428 A man who bites the hand that feeds him, 26429 and then complains of indigestion. 26430% 26431Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. 26432 -- Martin Luther King, Jr. 26433% 26434ink, n: 26435 A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, 26436 and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of 26437 idiocy and promote intellectual crime. 26438 -- H.L. Mencken 26439% 26440Innocence ends when one is stripped of the delusion that one 26441likes oneself. 26442 -- Joan Didion, "On Self Respect" 26443% 26444INNOVATE: 26445 Annoy people. 26446% 26447Innovation is hard to schedule. 26448 -- Dan Fylstra 26449% 26450INNUENDO: 26451 Italian enema. 26452% 26453Insanity is considered a ground for divorce, though by the very same 26454token it is the shortest detour to marriage. 26455 -- Wilson Mizner 26456% 26457Insanity is inherited, you get it from your kids! 26458% 26459Insanity is the final defense. It's hard to get a refund when 26460the salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon. 26461% 26462INSECURITY: 26463 Finding out that you've mispronounced for years one of your 26464 favorite words. 26465 26466 Realizing halfway through a joke that you're telling it to 26467 the person who told it to you. 26468% 26469Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out. 26470% 26471Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over. 26472% 26473Inspector: "Mrs. Freem, was this your husband's first 26474 hunting accident?" 26475Mrs. Freem: "His first fatal one, yes." 26476 -- Woody Allen 26477% 26478Inspiration without perspiration is usually sterile. 26479% 26480Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't 26481they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning 26482anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five 26483years we would have the smartest race of people on earth. 26484 -- The Best of Will Rogers 26485% 26486Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better. 26487 -- Edgar W. Howe 26488% 26489Integrity has no need for rules. 26490% 26491Intel CPUs are not defective, they just act that way. 26492 -- Henry Spencer 26493% 26494Intellect annuls Fate. 26495So far as a man thinks, he is free. 26496 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 26497% 26498Interchangeable parts won't. 26499% 26500INTEREST: 26501 What borrowers pay, lenders receive, stockholders own, and 26502 burned out employees must feign. 26503% 26504Interesting poll results reported in today's New York Post: people on the 26505street in midtown Manhattan were asked whether they approved of the US 26506invasion of Grenada. Fifty-three percent said yes; 39 percent said no; 26507and 8 percent said "Gimme a quarter?" 26508 -- David Letterman 26509% 26510Interfere? Of course we should interfere! Always do what you're 26511best at, that's what I say. 26512 -- Doctor Who 26513% 26514INTERPRETER: 26515 One who enables two persons of different languages to understand 26516 each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the 26517 interpreter's advantage for the other to have said. 26518% 26519Into love and out again, 26520 Thus I went and thus I go. 26521Spare your voice, and hold your pen: 26522 Well and bitterly I know 26523All the songs were ever sung, 26524 All the words were ever said; 26525Could it be, when I was young, 26526 Someone dropped me on my head? 26527 -- Dorothy Parker, "Theory" 26528% 26529INTOXICATED: 26530 When you feel sophisticated without being able to pronounce it. 26531% 26532Introducing, the 1010, a one-bit processor. 26533 26534INSTRUCTION SET 26535 Code Mnemonic What 26536 0 NOP No Operation 26537 1 JMP Jump (address specified by next 2 bits) 26538 26539Now Available for only 12 1/2 cents! 26540% 26541Invest in physics -- own a piece of Dirac! 26542% 26543Involvement with people is always a very delicate thing -- 26544it requires real maturity to become involved and not get all messed up. 26545 -- Bernard Cooke 26546% 26547I/O, I/O, 26548It's off to disk I go, 26549A bit or byte to read or write, 26550I/O, I/O, I/O... 26551% 26552 26553 26554_/I\_____________o______________o___/I\ l * / /_/ * __ ' .* l 26555I"""_____________l______________l___"""I\ l *// _l__l_ . *. l 26556 [__][__][(******)__][__](******)[__][] \l l-\ ---//---*----(oo)----------l 26557 [][__][__(******)][__][_(******)_][__] l l \\ // ____ >-( )-< / l 26558 [__][__][_l l[__][__][l l][__][] l l \\)) ._****_.(......) .@@@:::l 26559 [][__][__]l .l_][__][__] .l__][__] l l ll _(o_o)_ (@*_*@ l 26560 [__][__][/ <_)[__][__]/ <_)][__][] l l ll ( / \ ) / / / ) l 26561 [][__][ /..,/][__][__][/..,/_][__][__] l l / \\ _\ \_ / _\_\ l 26562 [__][__(__/][__][__][_(__/_][__][__][] l l______________________________l 26563 [__][__]] l , , . [__][__][] l 26564 [][__][_] l . i. '/ , [][__][__] l /\**/\ season's 26565 [__][__]] l O .\ / /, O [__][__][] l ( o_o )_) greetings 26566_[][__][_] l__l======='=l____[][__][__] l_______,(u u ,),__________________ 26567 [__][__]]/ /l\-------/l\ [__][__][]/ {}{}{}{}{}{}<R> 26568 26569In Ellen's house it is warm and toasty while fuzzies play in the snow outside. 26570 26571% 26572IOT trap -- core dumped 26573% 26574IOT trap -- mos dumped 26575% 26576Iowa State -- the high school after high school! 26577 -- Crow T. Robot 26578% 26579Iowans ask why Minnesotans don't drink more Kool-Aid. That's because 26580they can't figure out how to get two quarts of water into one of those 26581little paper envelopes. 26582% 26583Iron Law of Distribution: 26584 Them that has, gets. 26585% 26586IRONY: 26587 A windy day, when, just as a beautiful girl with 26588 a short skirt approaches, dust blows in your eyes. 26589% 26590Is a computer language with goto's totally Wirth-less? 26591% 26592Is a person who blows up banks an econoclast? 26593% 26594"Is a tatoo real, like a curb or a battleship? 26595Or are we suffering in Safeway?" 26596 -- Zippy the Pinhead 26597% 26598Is a wedding successful if it comes off without a hitch? 26599% 26600Is death legally binding? 26601% 26602Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is 26603meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as 26604a soap bubble? 26605% 26606Is it weird in here, or is it just me? 26607 -- Steven Wright 26608% 26609Is knowledge knowable? If not, how do we know that? 26610% 26611Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning 26612of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out, 26613and such as are out wish to get in? 26614 -- Ralph Emerson 26615% 26616Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right. 26617 -- Woody Allen, "All You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex" 26618% 26619Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just glad to see me? 26620 -- Mae West 26621% 26622Is that really YOU that is reading this? 26623% 26624"Is there any point to which you would wish to draw my attention?" 26625"To the curious incident of the dog in the night-time." 26626"The dog did nothing in the night-time." 26627"That was the curious incident," remarked Sherlock Holmes. 26628% 26629Is there life before breakfast? 26630% 26631Is this really happening? 26632% 26633Isn't air travel wonderful? 26634Breakfast in London, dinner in New York, luggage in Brazil. 26635% 26636Isn't it conceivable to you that an intelligent 26637person could harbor two opposing ideas in his mind? 26638 -- Adlai Stevenson, to reporters 26639% 26640Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction 26641listen to weather forecasts and economists? 26642 -- Kelvin Throop III 26643% 26644Isn't it ironic that many men spend a great part of their lives 26645avoiding marriage while single-mindedly pursuing those things that 26646would make them better prospects? 26647% 26648Isn't it nice that people who prefer Los Angeles to San Francisco live 26649there? 26650 -- Herb Caen 26651% 26652Isn't it strange that the same people that 26653laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously? 26654% 26655ISO applications: 26656 A solution in search of a problem! 26657% 26658Issawi's Laws of Progress: 26659 The Course of Progress: 26660 Most things get steadily worse. 26661 The Path of Progress: 26662 A shortcut is the longest distance between two points. 26663% 26664It appears that PL/I (and its dialects) is, or will be, the 26665most widely used higher level language for systems programming. 26666 -- J. Sammet 26667% 26668It cannot be seen, cannot be felt, 26669Cannot be heard, cannot be smelt. 26670It lies behind starts and under hills, 26671And empty holes it fills. 26672It comes first and follows after, 26673Ends life, kills laughter. 26674% 26675"It could be that Walter's horse has wings" does not imply that there is 26676any such animal as Walter's horse, only that there could be; but "Walter's 26677horse is a thing which could have wings" does imply Walter's horse's 26678existence. But the conjunction "Walter's horse exists, and it could be 26679that Walter's horse has wings" still does not imply "Walter's horse is a 26680thing that could have wings", for perhaps it can only be that Walter's 26681horse has wings by Walter having a different horse. Nor does "Walter's 26682horse is a thing which could have wings" conversely imply "It could be that 26683Walter's horse has wings"; for it might be that Walter's horse could only 26684have wings by not being Walter's horse. 26685 26686I would deny, though, that the formula [Necessarily if some x has property P 26687then some x has property P] expresses a logical law, since P(x) could stand 26688for, let us say "x is a better logician than I am", and the statement "It is 26689necessary that if someone is a better logician than I am then someone is a 26690better logician than I am" is false because there need not have been any me. 26691 -- A.N. Prior, "Time and Modality" 26692% 26693It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being. 26694 -- Benjamin Disraeli 26695% 26696It did not occur to me that my being with two men continuously would 26697interest anyone or arouse anyone's misgivings. I asked for an invitation 26698for Heinrich too, as often as it seemed possible, when Paulus and I were 26699invited to a social gathering. I felt the set of rules others lived by 26700was irrelevant. My childhood attitude -- every attempt to adjust is 26701hopeless and you might just as well follow your own attitudes -- must have 26702carried me. 26703 -- Hannah Tillich, "From Time to Time" 26704% 26705It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations. 26706% 26707It does not matter if you fall down as long as you 26708pick up something from the floor while you get up. 26709% 26710It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've 26711done and what you're going to do. 26712% 26713It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose. 26714% 26715It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out 26716next morning it was someone else. 26717 -- Rogers 26718% 26719It follows that any commander in chief who undertakes to carry out a plan 26720which he considers defective is at fault; he must put forth his reasons, 26721insist of the plan being changed, and finally tender his resignation rather 26722than be the instrument of his army's downfall. 26723 -- Napoleon, "Military Maxims and Thought" 26724% 26725It gets late early out there. 26726 -- Yogi Berra 26727% 26728It got to the point where I had to get a haircut 26729or both feet firmly planted in the air. 26730% 26731It hangs down from the chandelier 26732Nobody knows quite what it does 26733Its color is odd and its shape is weird 26734It emits a high-sounding buzz 26735 26736It grows a couple of feet each day 26737and wriggles with sort of a twitch 26738Nobody bugs it 'cause it comes from 26739a visiting uncle who's rich! 26740 -- To "It Came Upon A Midnight Clear" 26741% 26742It happened long ago 26743In the new magic land 26744The Indians and the buffalo 26745Existed hand in hand 26746The Indians needed food 26747They need skins for a roof 26748The only took what they needed 26749And the buffalo ran loose 26750But then came the white man 26751With his thick and empty head 26752He couldn't see past his billfold 26753He wanted all the buffalo dead 26754It was sad, oh so sad. 26755 -- Ted Nugent, "The Great White Buffalo" 26756% 26757It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater. The clown came 26758out to inform the public. They thought it was just a jest and applauded. 26759He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder. So I think the world 26760will come to an end amid general applause from all the wits, who believe 26761that it is a joke. 26762% 26763It has been justly observed by sages of all lands that although a man may be 26764most happily married and continue in that state with the utmost contentment, 26765it does not necessarily follow that he has therefore been struck stone-blind. 26766 -- H. Warner Munn 26767% 26768It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it 26769is thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists 26770have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell. 26771 -- Ambrose Bierce 26772% 26773It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life 26774I have been searching for evidence which could support this. 26775 -- Bertrand Russell 26776% 26777It has been said that Public Relations is the art of winning friends 26778and getting people under the influence. 26779 -- Jeremy Tunstall 26780% 26781It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. 26782% 26783It has long been an article of our folklore that too much knowledge or skill, 26784or especially consummate expertise, is a bad thing. It dehumanizes those who 26785achieve it, and makes difficult their commerce with just plain folks, in whom 26786good old common sense has not been obliterated by mere book learning or fancy 26787notions. This popular delusion flourishes now more than ever, for we are all 26788infected with it in the schools, where educationists have elevated it from 26789folklore to Article of Belief. It enhances their self-esteem and lightens 26790their labors by providing theoretical justification for deciding that 26791appreciation, or even simple awareness, is more to be prized than knowledge, 26792and relating (to self and others), more than skill, in which minimum 26793competence will be quite enough. 26794 -- The Underground Grammarian 26795% 26796It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely 26797the most important. 26798 -- Sherlock Holmes 26799% 26800It has long been an axiom of mine that the 26801little things are infinitely the most important. 26802 -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Case of Identity" 26803% 26804It has long been known that birds will occasionally build nests in the 26805manes of horses. The only known solution to this problem is to sprinkle 26806baker's yeast in the mane, for, as we all know, yeast is yeast and nest 26807is nest, and never the mane shall tweet. 26808% 26809It has long been known that one horse can run faster 26810than another -- but which one? Differences are crucial. 26811 -- Lazarus Long 26812% 26813It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of 26814indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury 26815is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim 26816of infanticide. 26817 -- Edmond About 26818% 26819It is a hard matter, my fellow citizens, 26820to argue with the belly, since it has no ears. 26821 -- Marcus Porcius Cato 26822% 26823It is a lesson which all history teaches 26824wise men, to put trust in ideas, and not in circumstances. 26825 -- Emerson 26826% 26827It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize. 26828% 26829It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish. 26830 -- Aeschylus 26831% 26832It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was 26833my age, he had been dead for 2 years. 26834 -- Tom Lehrer 26835% 26836It is a very humbling experience to make a multimillion-dollar mistake, but 26837it is also very memorable. I vividly recall the night we decided how to 26838organize the actual writing of external specifications for OS/360. The 26839manager of architecture, the manager of control program implementation, and 26840I were threshing out the plan, schedule, and division of responsibilities. 26841 The architecture manager had 10 good men. He asserted that they 26842could write the specifications and do it right. It would take ten months, 26843three more than the schedule allowed. 26844 The control program manager had 150 men. He asserted that they 26845could prepare the specifications, with the architecture team coordinating; 26846it would be well-done and practical, and he could do it on schedule. 26847Furthermore, if the architecture team did it, his 150 men would sit twiddling 26848their thumbs for ten months. 26849 To this the architecture manager responded that if I gave the control 26850program team the responsibility, the result would not in fact be on time, 26851but would also be three months late, and of much lower quality. I did, and 26852it was. He was right on both counts. Moreover, the lack of conceptual 26853integrity made the system far more costly to build and change, and I would 26854estimate that it added a year to debugging time. 26855 -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month" 26856% 26857It is a wise father that knows his own child. 26858 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" 26859% 26860It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to program. 26861What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in organizing 26862thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be self-critical? 26863 -- Alan Perlis 26864% 26865It is all right to hold a conversation, 26866but you should let go of it now and then. 26867 -- Richard Armour 26868% 26869It is always the best policy to speak the truth, 26870unless of course you are an exceptionally good liar. 26871 -- Jerome K. Jerome 26872% 26873It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of course, 26874you are an exceptionally good liar. 26875 -- Jerome K. Jerome 26876% 26877It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness. 26878% 26879It is annoying to be honest to no purpose. 26880 -- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid) 26881% 26882It is bad luck to be superstitious. 26883 -- Andrew W. Mathis 26884% 26885[It is] best to confuse only one issue at a time. 26886 -- K&R 26887% 26888It is better to be bow-legged than no-legged. 26889% 26890It is better to be on penicillin, than never to have loved at all. 26891% 26892It is better to burn out than it is to rust. 26893% 26894It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees. 26895% 26896It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same. 26897% 26898It is better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall. 26899% 26900It is better to have loved and lost -- much better. 26901% 26902It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost. 26903% 26904It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark. 26905% 26906It is better to live rich than to die rich. 26907 -- Samuel Johnson 26908% 26909It is better to remain childless than to father an orphan. 26910% 26911It is better to travel hopefully than to fly Continental. 26912% 26913It is better to wear chains than to believe you are free, 26914and weight yourself down with invisible chains. 26915% 26916It is better to wear out than to rust out. 26917% 26918It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits: 26919freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either. 26920 -- Mark Twain 26921% 26922It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, 26923admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something. 26924 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt 26925% 26926It is contrary to reasoning to say that there 26927is a vacuum or space in which there is absolutely nothing. 26928 -- Descartes 26929% 26930It is convenient that there be gods, and, 26931as it is convenient, let us believe there are. 26932 -- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid) 26933% 26934It is dangerous for a national candidate to say things that people might 26935remember. 26936 -- Eugene McCarthy 26937% 26938It is difficult to legislate morality in the absence of moral legislators. 26939% 26940It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive 26941and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing 26942rabbits singing about toilet paper. 26943 -- R. Serling 26944% 26945It is difficult to soar with the eagles when you work with turkeys. 26946% 26947It is easier for a camel to pass through the 26948eye of a needle if it is lightly greased. 26949 -- Kehlog Albran 26950% 26951It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its 26952proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community a 26953better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to treat 26954your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the focus of 26955attention, the harder the task. 26956 -- Sydney J. Harris 26957% 26958It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa. 26959% 26960It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. 26961 -- Alfred Adler 26962% 26963It is easier to make a saint out of a libertine than out of a prig. 26964 -- George Santayana 26965% 26966It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end. 26967 -- Leonardo da Vinci 26968% 26969It is easier to run down a hill than up one. 26970% 26971It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one. 26972% 26973It is easy when we are in prosperity to give advice to the afflicted. 26974 -- Aeschylus 26975% 26976It is enough to make one sympathize with a tyrant for the determination 26977of his courtiers to deceive him for their own personal ends... 26978 -- Russell Baker and Charles Peters 26979% 26980It is equally bad when one speeds on the guest unwilling to go, and when he 26981holds back one who is hastening. Rather one should befriend the guest who 26982is there, but speed him when he wishes. 26983 -- Homer, "The Odyssey" 26984 26985 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 26986 referring to scheduling.] 26987% 26988It is exactly because a man cannot do a 26989thing that he is a proper judge of it. 26990 -- Oscar Wilde 26991% 26992It is explained that all relationships require a little give and take. This 26993is untrue. Any partnership demands that we give and give and give and at the 26994last, as we flop into our graves exhausted, we are told that we didn't give 26995enough. 26996 -- Quentin Crisp, "How to Become a Virgin" 26997% 26998It is far better to be deceived than to be undeceived by those we love. 26999% 27000It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities 27001without your help. 27002 -- Miss Manners 27003% 27004It is Fortune, not Wisdom, that rules man's life. 27005% 27006It is fruitless: 27007 to become lacrymose over precipitately departed lactate fluid. 27008 27009 to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with 27010 innovative maneuvers. 27011% 27012It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because 27013if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people. 27014 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" 27015% 27016It is idle to attempt to talk a young woman out of her passion: 27017love does not lie in the ear. 27018 -- Walpole 27019% 27020It is imperative when flying coach that you restrain any tendency toward 27021the vividly imaginative. For although it may momentarily appear to be the 27022case, it is not at all likely that the cabin is entirely inhabited by 27023crying babies smoking inexpensive domestic cigars. 27024 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 27025% 27026It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly surprised. 27027% 27028It is impossible to defend perfectly 27029against the attack of those who want to die. 27030% 27031It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly 27032unless one has plenty of work to do. 27033 -- Jerome Klapka Jerome 27034% 27035It is impossible to enjoy idling unless there is plenty of work to do. 27036 -- Jerome K. Jerome 27037% 27038It is impossible to make anything 27039foolproof because fools are so ingenious. 27040% 27041It is impossible to travel faster than light, and 27042certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off. 27043 -- Woody Allen 27044% 27045IT IS IN PROCESS: 27046 So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless. 27047% 27048It is indeed desirable to be well descended, 27049but the glory belongs to our ancestors. 27050 -- Plutarch 27051% 27052It is like saying that for the cause of peace, 27053God and the Devil will have a high-level meeting. 27054 -- Rev. Carl McIntire, on Nixon's China trip 27055% 27056It is most dangerous nowadays for a husband to pay any attention to his 27057wife in public. It always makes people think that he beats her when 27058they're alone. The world has grown so suspicious of anything that looks 27059like a happy married life. 27060 -- Oscar Wilde 27061% 27062It is much easier to be critical than to be correct. 27063 -- Benjamin Disraeli 27064% 27065It is much easier to suggest solutions 27066when you know nothing about the problem. 27067% 27068It is much harder to find a job than to keep one. 27069% 27070It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be privileged 27071to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to corrupt the 27072youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles. 27073 -- George Bernard Shaw 27074% 27075It is no wonder that people are so horrible when they start life as children. 27076 -- Kingsley Amis 27077% 27078It is not a good omen when goldfish commit suicide. 27079% 27080It is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to do, 27081that makes life blessed. 27082 -- Goethe 27083% 27084It is not enough that I should succeed. Others must fail. 27085 -- Ray Kroc, Founder of McDonald's 27086 [Also attributed to David Merrick. Ed.] 27087 27088It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail. 27089 -- Gore Vidal 27090 [Great minds think alike? Ed.] 27091% 27092It is not enough to have a good mind. 27093The main thing is to use it well. 27094 -- Rene Descartes 27095% 27096It is not enough to have great qualities, 27097we should also have the management of them. 27098 -- La Rochefoucauld 27099% 27100It is not every question that deserves an answer. 27101 -- Publilius Syrus 27102% 27103It is not for me to attempt to fathom the 27104inscrutable workings of Providence. 27105 -- The Earl of Birkenhead 27106% 27107It is not good for a man to be without knowledge, 27108and he who makes haste with his feet misses his way. 27109 -- Proverbs 19:2 27110% 27111It is not necessary to inquire whether a woman would like something for 27112dessert. The answer is yes, she would like something for dessert, but 27113she would like you to order it so she can pick at it with your fork. She 27114does not want you to call attention to this by saying, 'If you wanted a 27115dessert, why didn't you order one?' You must understand, she has the 27116dessert she wants. The dessert she wants is contained within yours. 27117 -- Merrill Marcoe, "An Insider's Guide to the American Woman" 27118% 27119It is not that polar co-ordinates are complicated, it is simply 27120that cartesian co-ordinates are simpler than they have a right to be. 27121 -- Kleppner & Kolenhow, "An Introduction to Mechanics" 27122% 27123It is not the critic who counts, or how the strong man stumbled, or whether 27124the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the 27125man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and 27126blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again; who 27127knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, and who spends himself in a 27128worthy cause, and if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that 27129he'll never be with those cold and timid souls who never know either victory 27130or defeat. 27131 -- Teddy Roosevelt 27132% 27133It is not true that life is one damn thing after 27134another -- it's one damn thing over and over. 27135 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay 27136% 27137It is November first 1940; in the famous sound stage of THE WIZARD OF OZ on 27138the MGM lot, a little man is lying face-up on the yellow brick road. His 27139wide eyes stare upward into the blinding stage lights. He is wearing a 27140kind of comic soldier's uniform with a yellow coat and puffy sleeves and 27141big fez-like blue and yellow hat with a feather on top. His yellow hair 27142and beard are the phony straw color of Hollywood. He could pass for some 27143kind of cute in the typical tinsel-town way if it wasn't for the knife 27144sticking out of his chest. *Someone had murdered a Munchkin.* 27145 -- Stuart Kaminsky, "Murder on the Yellow Brick Road" 27146% 27147It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is? 27148 -- Elizabeth Carpenter 27149% 27150It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit. 27151% 27152It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort 27153to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics and 27154chemistry. 27155 -- H.L. Mencken 27156% 27157It is often easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission. 27158 -- Grace Murray Hopper 27159% 27160It is one thing to praise discipline, and another to submit to it. 27161 -- Cervantes 27162% 27163It is only by risking our persons from one hour to another that we live 27164at all. And often enough our faith beforehand in an uncertified result 27165is the only thing that makes the result come true. 27166 -- William James 27167% 27168It is only with the heart one can see clearly; 27169what is essential is invisible to the eye. 27170 -- The Fox, 'The Little Prince" 27171% 27172It is possible by ingenuity and at the expense of clarity... {to do almost 27173anything in any language}. However, the fact that it is possible to push 27174a pea up a mountain with your nose does not mean that this is a sensible 27175way of getting it there. Each of these techniques of language extension 27176should be used in its proper place. 27177 -- Christopher Strachey 27178% 27179It is possible that blondes also prefer gentlemen. 27180 -- Maimie Van Doren 27181% 27182It is practically impossible to teach good programming to students that 27183have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are 27184mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration. 27185 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 27186% 27187It is ridiculous to call this an industry. This is not. This is rat eat 27188rat, dog eat dog. I'll kill 'em, and I'm going to kill 'em before they 27189kill me. You're talking about the American way of survival of the fittest. 27190 -- Ray Kroc, founder of McDonald's 27191% 27192It is right that he too should have his little chronicle, his memories, 27193his reason, and be able to recognize the good in the bad, the bad in the 27194worst, and so grow gently old all down the unchanging days and die one 27195day like any other day, only shorter. 27196 -- Samuel Beckett, "Malone Dies" 27197% 27198It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a 27199sentence to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate 27200in all times and situations. They presented him the words: "And this, 27201too, shall pass away." 27202 -- A. Lincoln 27203% 27204It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the 27205lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as 27206high as the eagle? 27207% 27208It is so soon that I am done for, I wonder what I was begun for. 27209 -- Epitaph, Cheltenham Churchyard 27210% 27211It is so stupid of modern civilisation to have given up believing in the 27212devil when he is the only explanation of it. 27213 -- Ronald Knox, "Let Dons Delight" 27214% 27215It is so very hard to be an on-your-own-take-care-of- 27216yourself-because-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you grown up. 27217% 27218It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a 27219statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious 27220to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look, 27221which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the day, that is the 27222highest of arts. Every man is tasked to make his life, even in its details, 27223worthy of the contemplation of his most elevated and critical hour. 27224 -- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live" 27225% 27226It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion. 27227 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 27228% 27229It is the business of little minds to shrink. 27230 -- Carl Sandburg 27231% 27232It is the business of the future to be dangerous. 27233 -- Hawkwind 27234% 27235It is the nature of extreme self-lovers, as they will 27236set an house on fire, and it were but to roast their eggs. 27237 -- Francis Bacon 27238% 27239It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters. 27240 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca 27241% 27242It is the wisdom of crocodiles, that shed tears when they would devour. 27243 -- Francis Bacon 27244% 27245It is the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree. 27246% 27247It is through symbols that man consciously or unconsciously 27248lives, works and has his being. 27249 -- Thomas Carlyle 27250% 27251It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for five 27252straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity. But it takes 27253Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you. 27254% 27255It is up to us to produce better-quality movies. 27256 -- Lloyd Kaufman, 27257 producer of "Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator" 27258% 27259It is very vulgar to talk like a dentist when one isn't a dentist. 27260It produces a false impression. 27261 -- Oscar Wilde. 27262% 27263It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure. 27264 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 27265% 27266It is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final. 27267 -- Roger Babson 27268% 27269It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire. 27270 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 27271% 27272It isn't easy being a Friday kind of person in a Monday kind of world. 27273% 27274It isn't easy being green. 27275 -- Kermit the Frog 27276% 27277It isn't easy being the parent of a six-year-old. However, it's a pretty 27278small price to pay for having somebody around the house who understands 27279computers. 27280% 27281It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be 27282unhappy. 27283 -- Groucho Marx 27284% 27285It isn't whether you win or lose, it's how much money you end up with. 27286 -- Jack T. Shakespeare 27287% 27288It just doesn't seem right to go over the river and through the woods 27289to Grandmother's condo. 27290% 27291It looked like something resembling white marble, which was 27292probably what it was: something resembling white marble. 27293 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy" 27294% 27295It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out. 27296% 27297It looks like it's up to me to save our skins. 27298Get into that garbage chute, flyboy! 27299 -- Princess Leia Organa 27300% 27301IT MAKES ME MAD when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about 27302a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw 27303that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish." 27304 27305Sure they eat fish if that's all you give them! Man, wise up. 27306 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 27307% 27308It [marriage] happens as with cages: the birds without despair 27309to get in, and those within despair of getting out. 27310 -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne 27311% 27312It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether *I* win 27313or lose. 27314 -- Darrin Weinberg 27315% 27316It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is 27317better still to be a live lion. And usually easier. 27318 -- Lazarus Long 27319% 27320It may be that your whole purpose in life 27321is simply to serve as a warning to others. 27322% 27323It may or may not be worthwhile, but it still has to be done. 27324% 27325It must be remembered that there is nothing more difficult to plan, more 27326doubtful of success, nor more dangerous to manage, than the creation of 27327a new system. For the initiator has the enmity of all who would profit 27328by the preservation of the old institutions and merely lukewarm defenders 27329in those who would gain by the new ones. 27330 -- Niccolo Machiavelli, 1513 27331% 27332It must have been some unmarried fool that said "A child can ask questions 27333that a wise man cannot answer"; because, in any decent house, a brat that 27334starts asking questions is promptly packed off to bed. 27335 -- Arthur Binstead 27336% 27337It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father. 27338% 27339It occurred to me lately that nothing has occurred to me lately. 27340% 27341It pays in England to be a revolutionary and a bible-smacker most of 27342one's life and then come round. 27343 -- Lord Alfred Douglas 27344% 27345It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety. 27346% 27347It proves what they say, give the public what they want to see and 27348they'll come out for it. 27349 -- Red Skelton, surveying the funeral of Hollywood mogul 27350 Harry Cohn 27351% 27352It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones 27353slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much 27354more. 27355 -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects" 27356% 27357It seems a little silly now, but this country 27358was founded as a protest against taxation. 27359% 27360It seems appropriate to me that Mapplethorpe's perverse images should 27361be situated so close to Congress, which perpetuates a number of 27362unnatural acts upon the body politic every day, without benefit of 27363artificial lubrication or foreplay. 27364 -- Pat Calafia's review of Camille Paglia's 27365 "Sex, Art and American Culture" 27366% 27367It seems intuitively obvious to me, which means that it might be wrong. 27368 -- Chris Torek 27369% 27370It seems that more and more mathematicians are using a new, high level 27371language named "research student". 27372% 27373It seems to make an auto driver mad if he misses you. 27374% 27375It seems to me that nearly every woman I know wants a man who knows how 27376to love with authority. Women are simple souls who like simple things, 27377and one of the simplest is one of the simplest to give. ... Our family 27378airedale will come clear across the yard for one pat on the head. The 27379average wife is like that. 27380 -- Episcopal Bishop James Pike 27381% 27382It takes a smart husband to have the last word and not use it. 27383% 27384It takes a special kind of courage to face what we all have to face. 27385% 27386It takes all kinds to fill the freeways. 27387 -- Crazy Charlie 27388% 27389It takes both a weapon, and two people, to commit a murder. 27390% 27391It takes less time to do a thing right 27392than it does to explain why you did it wrong. 27393 -- H.W. Longfellow 27394% 27395It takes two to tell the truth: one to speak and one to hear. 27396% 27397It took a while to surface, but it appears that a long-distance credit card 27398may have saved a U.S. Army unit from heavy casualties during the Grenada 27399military rescue/invasion. Major General David Nichols, Air Force ... said 27400the Army unit was in a house surrounded by Cuban forces. One soldier found 27401a telephone and, using his credit card, called Ft. Bragg, N.C., telling Army 27402officers there of the perilous situation. The officers in turn called the 27403Air Force, which sent in gunships to scatter the Cubans and relieve the unit. 27404 -- Aviation Week and Space Technology 27405% 27406It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, 27407but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous. 27408 -- Robert Benchley 27409% 27410It turned out that the worm exploited three or four different holes in the 27411system. From this, and the fact that we were able to capture and examine 27412some of the source code, we realized that we were dealing with someone very 27413sharp, probably not someone here on campus. 27414 -- Dr. Richard LeBlanc, associate professor of ICS, in 27415 Georgia Tech's campus newspaper after the Internet worm. 27416% 27417It used to be the fun was in 27418The capture and kill. 27419In another place and time 27420I did it all for thrills. 27421 -- Lust to Love 27422% 27423It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. 27424 -- Mark Twain 27425% 27426It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead. 27427% 27428It was a brave man that ate the first oyster. 27429% 27430It was a fine, sweet night, the nicest since my divorce, maybe the nicest 27431since the middle of my marriage. There was energy, softness, grace and 27432laughter. I even took my socks off. In my circle, that means class. 27433 -- Andrew Bergman "The Big Kiss-off of 1944" 27434% 27435It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country. The Greeks 27436never said it was sweet to die for anything. They had no vital lies. 27437 -- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way" 27438% 27439It was all so different before everything changed. 27440% 27441It was kinda like stuffing the wrong card in a computer, 27442when you're stickin' those artificial stimulants in your arm. 27443 -- Dion, noted computer scientist 27444% 27445It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a breeze 27446was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was broken ... 27447 --- James Dent 27448% 27449It was one time too many 27450One word too few 27451It was all too much for me and you 27452There was one way to go 27453Nothing more we could do 27454One time too many 27455One word too few 27456 -- Meredith Tanner 27457% 27458It was Penguin lust... at its ugliest. 27459% 27460It was pity stayed his hand. "Pity I don't have any more bullets," 27461thought Frito. 27462 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 27463% 27464It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps 27465I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I 27466don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and 27467the signature (which I guessed at). There's a singular and a perpetual 27468charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its 27469novelty. Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but 27470yours are kept forever -- unread. One of them will last a reasonable 27471man a lifetime. 27472 -- Thomas Aldrich 27473% 27474It was raining heavily, and the motorist had car trouble on a lonely country 27475road. Anxious to find shelter for the night, he walked over to a farmhouse 27476and knocked on the front door. No one responded. He could feel the water 27477from the roof running down the back of his neck as he stood on the stoop. 27478The next time he knocked louder, but still no answer. By now he was soaked 27479to the skin. Desperately he pounded on the door. At last the head of a 27480man appeared out of an upstairs window. 27481 "What do you want?" he asked gruffly. 27482 "My car broke down," said the traveler, "and I want to know if you 27483would let me stay here for the night." 27484 "Sure," replied the man. "If you want to stay there all night, it's 27485okay with me." 27486% 27487It was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline. 27488Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top. 27489 -- Hunter S. Thompson 27490% 27491It was wonderful to find America, but it 27492would have been more wonderful to miss it. 27493 -- Mark Twain 27494% 27495It wasn't exactly a divorce -- I was traded. 27496 -- Tim Conway 27497% 27498It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly. 27499It was more like the rose and the teeth were in the same glass. 27500% 27501It would be nice to be sure of anything 27502the way some people are of everything. 27503% 27504It would save me a lot of time if you just gave up and went mad now. 27505% 27506italic, adj: 27507 Slanted to the right to emphasize key phrases. Unique to 27508 Western alphabets; in Eastern languages, the same phrases 27509 are often slanted to the left. 27510% 27511It'll be a nice world if they ever get it finished. 27512% 27513It'll be just like Beggars Canyon back home. 27514 -- Luke Skywalker 27515% 27516It's a .88 magnum -- it goes through schools. 27517 -- Danny Vermin 27518% 27519It's a brave man who, when things are at their darkest, can kick back 27520and party! 27521 -- Dennis Quaid, "Inner Space" 27522% 27523It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word. 27524 -- Andrew Jackson 27525% 27526It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear. 27527 -- Cheers 27528% 27529It's a naive, domestic operating system without any 27530breeding, but I think you'll be amused by its presumption. 27531% 27532It's a poor workman who blames his tools. 27533% 27534It's a recession when your neighbour loses his job; it's a depression 27535when you lose yours. 27536 -- Harry S. Truman 27537% 27538It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. 27539 -- Steven Wright 27540% 27541It's all in the mind, ya know. 27542% 27543It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back. 27544 -- Mick Jagger 27545% 27546"It's all so painfully empty and lonesome... I don't think I can stand 27547any more of it... the whole dreadful way we are born, die, and are 27548never missed. The fact there is *nobody*... nobody really... We come 27549out of a yawning tomb of flesh and sink back finally into another tomb. 27550What is the point of it all? Who thought up this sickening circle of 27551flesh and blood? We come into the world bleeding and cut and our bones 27552half-crushed only to emerge and suffer more torment, multilation, and 27553then at the last lie down in some hole in the ground forever. Who could 27554have thought it up, I wonder?" 27555 -- James Purdy 27556% 27557It's always darkest just before the lights go out. 27558 -- Alex Clark 27559% 27560It's amazing how many people you could be friends 27561with if only they'd make the first approach. 27562% 27563It's amazing how much better you feel once you've given up hope. 27564% 27565It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired. 27566% 27567It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away. 27568 -- Michael Arlen 27569% 27570It's bad enough that life is a rat-race, 27571but why do the rats always have to win? 27572% 27573It's better to be quotable than to be honest. 27574 -- Tom Stoppard 27575% 27576It's better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all. 27577 -- Marty Winch 27578% 27579It's better to burn out than it is to rust. 27580% 27581It's better to burn out than to fade away. 27582% 27583It's better to have loved and lost -- much better. 27584% 27585It's business doing pleasure with you. 27586% 27587It's clever, but is it art? 27588% 27589It's difficult to see the picture when you are inside the frame. 27590% 27591"It's easier said than done." 27592 27593... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than 27594said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than 27595said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than 27596done". 27597% 27598It's easier to be a liberal a long way from home. 27599 -- Don Price 27600% 27601It's easier to get forgiveness for being 27602wrong than forgiveness for being right. 27603% 27604It's easier to take it apart than to put it back together. 27605 -- Washlesky 27606% 27607It's easy to forgive someone for being wrong; 27608it's much harder to forgive them for being right. 27609% 27610It's easy to make a friend. What's hard is to make a stranger. 27611% 27612It's fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an hour! 27613 -- Macy's 27614% 27615Its failings notwithstanding, there is much to be said in favor of journalism 27616in that by giving us the opinion of the uneducated, it keeps us in touch with 27617the ignorance of the community. 27618 -- Oscar Wilde 27619% 27620It's faster horses, 27621Younger women, 27622Older whiskey and 27623More money. 27624 -- Tom T. Hall, "The Secret of Life" 27625% 27626It's from Casablanca. I've been waiting all my life to use that line. 27627 -- Woody Allen, "Play It Again, Sam" 27628% 27629It's getting uncommonly easy to kill people in large numbers, and the 27630first thing a principle does -- if it really is a principle -- is to 27631kill somebody. 27632 -- Dorothy Sayers 27633% 27634It's gonna be alright, 27635It's almost midnight, 27636And I've got two more bottles of wine. 27637% 27638It's hard not to like a man of many qualities, 27639even if most of them are bad. 27640% 27641It's hard to argue that God hated Oklahoma. 27642If He didn't, why is it so close to Texas? 27643% 27644It's hard to be humble when you're perfect. 27645% 27646It's hard to drive at the limit, but 27647it's harder to know where the limits are. 27648 -- Stirling Moss 27649% 27650It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa. 27651 -- Groucho Marx 27652% 27653It's hard to keep your shirt on when 27654you're getting something off your chest. 27655% 27656It's hard to outrun dead people because they don't have to breathe. 27657 -- Hokey, describing "Night of the Living Dead" 27658% 27659It's hard to think of you as the end 27660result of millions of years of evolution. 27661% 27662It's important that people know what you stand for. 27663It's more important that they know what you won't stand for. 27664% 27665It's interesting to think that many quite 27666distinguished people have bodies similar to yours. 27667% 27668It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is. 27669If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't 27670our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs. 27671 -- Oxford University Press, "Edpress News" 27672% 27673It's just apartment house rules, 27674So all you 'partment house fools 27675Remember: one man's ceiling is another man's floor. 27676One man's ceiling is another man's floor. 27677 -- Paul Simon, "One Man's Ceiling Is Another Man's Floor" 27678% 27679It's later than you think. 27680% 27681It's later than you think, the joint 27682Russian-American space mission has already begun. 27683% 27684It's like deja vu all over again. 27685 -- Yogi Berra 27686% 27687It's Like This 27688 27689Even the samurai 27690have teddy bears, 27691and even the teddy bears 27692get drunk. 27693% 27694It's lucky you're going so slowly, because 27695you're going in the wrong direction. 27696% 27697It's multiple choice time... 27698 27699 What is FORTRAN? 27700 27701 a: Between thre and fiv tran. 27702 b: What two computers engage in before they interface. 27703 c: Ridiculous. 27704% 27705Its name is Public Opinion. It is held in reverence. 27706It settles everything. Some think it is the voice of God. 27707 -- Mark Twain 27708% 27709It's never too late to have a happy childhood. 27710% 27711It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding 27712a sickness you like. 27713 -- Jackie Mason 27714% 27715It's no use crying over spilt milk -- it only makes it salty for the cat. 27716% 27717It's not against any religion to want to dispose of a pigeon. 27718 -- Tom Lehrer 27719% 27720It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. 27721 -- Phil White 27722% 27723It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either. 27724 -- Kevin White, Mayor of Boston 27725% 27726It's not easy being green. 27727 -- Kermit 27728% 27729It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too. 27730 -- Alexander Korda 27731% 27732It's not hard to admit errors that are [only] cosmetically wrong. 27733 -- J.K. Galbraith 27734% 27735It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things. 27736% 27737It's not that I'm afraid to die. 27738I just don't want to be there when it happens. 27739 -- Woody Allen 27740% 27741It's not the fall that kills you, it's the landing. 27742% 27743It's not the men in my life, but the life in my men that counts. 27744 -- Mae West 27745% 27746It's not whether you win or lose but how you look playing the game. 27747% 27748It's not whether you win or lose but how you played the game. 27749 -- Grantland Rice 27750% 27751It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you look playing the game. 27752% 27753It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame. 27754% 27755It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that English is 27756the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many other languages 27757"You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case. 27758 -- Sydney J. Harris 27759% 27760It's only by NOT taking the human race seriously that I retain 27761what fragments of my once considerable mental powers I still possess. 27762 -- Roger Noe 27763% 27764It's our fault. We should have given him better parts. 27765 -- Jack Warner, on hearing that Reagan had been 27766 elected governor of California. 27767 27768[Warner is also reported to have said, when told of Reagan's candidacy 27769for governor, "No, Jimmy Stewart for Governor; Reagan for best friend."] 27770% 27771It's possible that the whole purpose of your life is to serve 27772as a warning to others. 27773% 27774It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; 27775poverty and wealth have both failed. 27776 -- Kim Hubbard 27777% 27778It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles. 27779% 27780It's reassuring to know that if you behave strangely enough, 27781society will take full responsibility for you. 27782% 27783It's recently come to Fortune's attention that scientists have stopped 27784using laboratory rats in favor of attorneys. Seems that there are not 27785only more of them, but you don't get so emotionally attached. The only 27786difficulty is that it's sometimes difficult to apply the experimental 27787results to humans. 27788 27789 [Also, there are some things even a rat won't do. Ed.] 27790% 27791It's so beautifully arranged on the plate -- you know someone's fingers 27792have been all over it. 27793 -- Julia Child on nouvelle cuisine. 27794% 27795It's so confusing choosing sides in the heat of the moment, 27796 just to see if it's real, 27797Oooh, it's so erotic having you tell me how it should feel, 27798But I'm avoiding all the hard cold facts that I got to face, 27799So ask me just one question when this magic night is through, 27800Could it have been just anyone or did it have to be you? 27801 -- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses" 27802% 27803It's so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the 27804Devil when he is the only explanation for it. 27805% 27806It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten. 27807% 27808It's ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are? 27809% 27810It's the good girls who keep the diaries, the bad girls never have the time. 27811 -- Tallulah Bankhead 27812% 27813It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which raises 27814the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody not to. 27815 -- Franklin P. Jones 27816% 27817It's the same old story; boy meets beer, boy drinks beer... 27818boy gets another beer. 27819 -- Cheers 27820% 27821"It's today!" said Piglet. 27822"My favorite day," said Pooh. 27823% 27824It's useless to try to hold some people to anything they say while they're 27825madly in love, drunk, or running for office. 27826% 27827It's very glamorous to raise millions of dollars, until it's time for the 27828venture capitalist to suck your eyeballs out. 27829 -- Peter Kennedy, chairman of Kraft & Kennedy. 27830% 27831It's very inconvenient to be mortal -- you never 27832know when everything may suddenly stop happening. 27833% 27834IV. The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or 27835 equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to 27836 spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. 27837 Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it 27838 inevitably unsuccessful. 27839 V. All principles of gravity are negated by fear. 27840 Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel 27841 them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an 27842 adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to 27843 the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. 27844 The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding 27845 auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight. 27846VI. As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once. 27847 This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a 27848 character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of 27849 altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common 27850 as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A "wacky" 27851 character has the option of self-replication only at manic high 27852 speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required. 27853 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980 27854% 27855I've already told you more than I know. 27856% 27857I've always considered statesmen to be more expendable than soldiers. 27858% 27859I've always felt sorry for people that don't drink -- remember, 27860when they wake up, that's as good as they're gonna feel all day! 27861% 27862I've always made it a solemn practice to never 27863drink anything stronger than tequila before breakfast. 27864 -- R. Nesson 27865% 27866I've been in more laps than a napkin. 27867 -- Mae West 27868% 27869I've Been Moved! 27870% 27871I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks. 27872 -- Totie Fields 27873% 27874I've been on this lonely road so long, 27875Does anybody know where it goes, 27876I remember last time the signs pointed home, 27877A month ago. 27878 -- Carpenters, "Road Ode" 27879% 27880I've been there. 27881% 27882I've built a better model than the one at Data General 27883For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral 27884My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality; 27885My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality. 27886My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity, 27887You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity; 27888There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting; 27889My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting. 27890 27891I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point: 27892There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point, 27893Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral 27894I've built a better model than the one at Data General. 27895 27896 -- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song", (To the tune of 27897 "Modern Major General") 27898% 27899I've finally learned what "upward compatible" means. 27900It means we get to keep all our old mistakes. 27901 -- Dennie van Tassel 27902% 27903I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself. 27904% 27905I've got a very bad feeling about this. 27906 -- Han Solo 27907% 27908I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock. 27909 -- Henny Youngman 27910% 27911I've got some powdered water, but I don't know what to add. 27912 -- Stephen Wright 27913% 27914I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. 27915 -- Groucho Marx 27916% 27917I've had one child. My husband wants to have another. 27918I'd like to watch him have another. 27919% 27920I've looked at the listing, and it's right! 27921 -- Joel Halpern. 27922% 27923I've never been canoeing before, but I imagine there must 27924be just a few simple heuristics you have to remember... 27925 27926Yes, don't fall out, and don't hit rocks. 27927% 27928I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved. 27929 -- George Gobel 27930% 27931I've never been hurt by anything I didn't say. 27932 -- Calvin Coolidge 27933% 27934I've never had a problem with drugs; I've had problems with the police. 27935 -- Keith Richards 27936 27937I never turn blue in anyone's bathroom. I think that's the height of 27938bad taste. 27939 -- Keith Richards 27940% 27941I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother. 27942 -- W.C. Fields 27943% 27944I've noticed several design suggestions in your code. 27945% 27946I've only got 12 cards. 27947% 27948I've spent almost all of my life with highly intelligent men. They're not 27949like other men. Their spirit is great and stimulating. They hate strife; 27950indeed they reject it. Their inventive gifts are boundless. They demand 27951devotion and obedience. And a sense of humor. I happily gave all of this. 27952I was lucky to be chosen and clever enough to understand them. 27953 -- Marlene Dietrich, on her friendship with Ernest Hemingway 27954% 27955I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes 27956me claustrophobic, and the others either give me a stiff neck or lockjaw. 27957 -- Tallulah Bankhead 27958% 27959Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government: 27960 No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the 27961 legislature is in session. 27962% 27963jake hates 27964 all the girls(the 27965shy ones, the bold paul scorns all 27966ones; the meek the girls(the 27967proud sloppy sleek) bright ones, the dim 27968all except the cold ones; the slim 27969 ones plump tiny tall) 27970 all except the 27971 dull ones 27972gus loves all the 27973 girls(the 27974warped ones, the lamed mike likes all the girls 27975ones; the mad (the 27976moronic maimed) fat ones, the lean 27977all except ones; the mean 27978 the dead ones kind dirty clean) 27979 all 27980 except the green ones 27981 -- e e cummings 27982% 27983James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother") failure in his 27984West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to remark in later life, 27985"If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a major general." 27986% 27987Jane and I got mixed up with a television show -- or as we call it back 27988east here: TV -- a clever contraction derived from the words Terrible 27989Vaudeville. However, it is our latest medium -- we call it a medium 27990because nothing's well done. It was discovered, I suppose you've heard, 27991by a man named Fulton Berle, and it has already revolutionized social 27992grace by cutting down parlour conversation to two sentences: "What's on 27993television?" and "Good night". 27994 -- Goodman Ace, letter to Groucho Marx, in The Groucho 27995 Letters, 1967 27996% 27997Japan, n: 27998 A fictional place where elves, gnomes and economic imperialists 27999 create electronic equipment and computers using black magic. It 28000 is said that in the capital city of Akihabara, the streets are 28001 paved with gold and semiconductor chips grow on low bushes from 28002 which they are harvested by the happy natives. 28003% 28004Jealousy is all the fun you think they have. 28005% 28006Jenkinson's Law: 28007 It won't work. 28008% 28009Jim, it's Grace at the bank. I checked your Christmas Club account. 28010You don't have five-hundred dollars. You have fifty. Sorry, computer foul-up! 28011% 28012Jim, it's Jack. I'm at the airport. I'm going to Tokyo and wanna pay 28013you the five-hundred I owe you. Catch you next year when I get back! 28014% 28015Jim Nasium's Law: 28016 In a large locker room with hundreds of lockers, the few people 28017 using the facility at any one time will all have lockers next to 28018 each other so that everybody is cramped. 28019% 28020Jim, this is Janelle. I'm flying tonight, so I can't make our date, and 28021I gotta find a safe place for Daffy. He loves you, Jim! It's only two 28022days, and you'll see. Great Danes are no problem! 28023% 28024Jim, this is Matty down at Ralph's and Mark's. Some guy named Angel 28025Martin just ran up a fifty buck bar tab. And now he wants to charge it 28026to you. You gonna pay it? 28027% 28028JOB INTERVIEW: 28029 The excruciating process during which personnel officers 28030 separate the wheat from the chaff -- then hire the chaff. 28031% 28032job Placement, n: 28033 Telling your boss what he can do with your job. 28034% 28035Joe Cool always spends the first two weeks at college sailing his frisbee. 28036 -- Snoopy 28037% 28038Joe sat as his dying wife's bedside. 28039Her voice was little more than a whisper. 28040 "Joe, darling," she breathed, "I've got a confession to make 28041before I go. I ... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe... 28042I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Charles. And it was I who 28043forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported 28044your income-tax evasion to the I.R.S..." 28045 "That's all right, dearest, don't give it a second thought," 28046whispered Joe. "I'm the one who poisoned you." 28047% 28048Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes! 28049% 28050jogger, n: 28051 An odd sort of person with a thing for pain. 28052% 28053John Dame May Oscar 28054Was Gay Was Whitty Was Wilde 28055But Gerard Hopkins But John Greenleaf But Thornton 28056Was Manley Was Whittier Was Wilder 28057 -- Willard Espy 28058% 28059John Birch Society: 28060 That pathetic manifestation of organized apoplexy. 28061 -- Edward P. Morgan 28062% 28063JOHN PAUL ELECTED POPE!! 28064 28065(George and Ringo miffed.) 28066% 28067John the Baptist after poisoning a thief, 28068Looks up at his hero, the Commander-in-Chief, 28069Saying tell me great leader, but please make it brief 28070Is there a hole for me to get sick in? 28071The Commander-in-Chief answers him while chasing a fly, 28072Saying death to all those who would whimper and cry. 28073And dropping a barbell he points to the sky, 28074Saying the sun is not yellow, it's chicken. 28075 -- Bob Dylan, "Tombstone Blues" 28076% 28077Johnny Carson's Definition: 28078 The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs 28079 in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the 28080 taxi driver behind you blowing his horn. 28081% 28082Johnson's First Law: 28083 When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the 28084 most inconvenient possible time. 28085% 28086Johnson's law: 28087 Systems resemble the organizations that create them. 28088% 28089Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called "Bureaucracy". 28090Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do anything loses. 28091% 28092Join the army, see the world, meet interesting, 28093exciting people, and kill them. 28094% 28095Join the Navy; sail to far-off exotic lands, 28096meet exciting interesting people, and kill them. 28097% 28098Jones' First Law: 28099 Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of 28100 endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an 28101 obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the 28102 importance of their original contribution. 28103% 28104Jones' Second Law: 28105 The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone 28106 to blame it on. 28107% 28108Joshu: What is the true Way? 28109Nansen: Every way is the true Way. 28110J: Can I study it? 28111N: The more you study, the further from the Way. 28112J: If I don't study it, how can I know it? 28113N: The Way does not belong to things seen: nor to things unseen. 28114 It does not belong to things known: nor to things unknown. Do 28115 not seek it, study it, or name it. To find yourself on it, open 28116 yourself as wide as the sky. 28117% 28118Journalism is literature in a hurry. 28119 -- Matthew Arnold 28120% 28121Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you're at it. 28122% 28123Juall's Law on Nice Guys: 28124 Nice guys don't always finish last; sometimes they don't finish. 28125 Sometimes they don't even get a chance to start! 28126% 28127Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that 28128reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away 28129someone else's cash. 28130 -- P.G. Wodehouse, "Louder and Funnier" 28131% 28132Just a few of the perfect excuses for having some strawberry shortcake. 28133Pick one. 28134 281351: It's less calories than two pieces of strawberry shortcake. 281362: It's cheaper than going to France. 281373: It neutralizes the brownies I had yesterday. 281384: Life is short. 281395: It's somebody's birthday. I don't want them to celebrate alone. 281406: It matches my eyes. 281417: Whoever said, "Let them eat cake." must have been talking to me. 281428: To punish myself for eating dessert yesterday. 281439: Compensation for all the time I spend in the shower not eating. 2814410: Strawberry shortcake is evil. I must help rid the world of it. 2814511: I'm getting weak from eating all that healthy stuff. 2814612: It's the second anniversary of the night I ate plain broccoli. 28147% 28148Just a song before I go, Going through security 28149To whom it may concern, I held her for so long. 28150Traveling twice the speed of sound She finally looked at me in love, 28151It's easy to get burned. And she was gone. 28152When the shows were over Just a song before I go, 28153We had to get back home, A lesson to be learned. 28154And when we opened up the door Traveling twice the speed of sound 28155I had to be alone. It's easy to get burned. 28156She helped me with my suitcase, 28157She stands before my eyes, 28158Driving me to the airport 28159And to the friendly skies. 28160 -- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Just a Song Before I Go" 28161% 28162Just as I cannot remember any time when I could not read and write, I cannot 28163remember any time when I did not exercise my imagination in daydreams about 28164women. 28165 -- G.B. Shaw 28166% 28167Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good solutions 28168seldom black or white. Beware of the solution that requires one side to be 28169totally the loser and the other side to be totally the winner. The reason 28170there are two sides to begin with usually is because neither side has all 28171the facts. Therefore, when the wise mediator effects a compromise, he is 28172not acting from political motivation. Rather, he is acting from a deep 28173sense of respect for the whole truth. 28174 -- Stephen R. Schwambach 28175% 28176Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed. 28177 -- Irene Peter 28178% 28179Just because he's dead is no reason to lay off work. 28180% 28181Just because I turn down a contract on a guy doesn't mean he isn't 28182going to get hit. 28183 -- Joey 28184% 28185Just because the message may never be 28186received does not mean it is not worth sending. 28187% 28188Just because they are called 'forbidden' transitions does not mean that they 28189are forbidden. They are less allowed than allowed transitions, if you see 28190what I mean. 28191 -- From a Part 2 Quantum Mechanics lecture. 28192% 28193Just because you like my stuff doesn't mean I owe you anything. 28194 -- Bob Dylan 28195% 28196Just because your doctor has a name for your 28197condition doesn't mean he knows what it is. 28198% 28199Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you. 28200% 28201Just close your eyes, tap your heels together three times, 28202and think to yourself, `There's no place like home.' 28203 -- Glynda 28204% 28205Just give Alice some pencils and she will stay busy for hours. 28206% 28207Just how difficult it is to write biography can be reckoned by anybody 28208who sits down and considers just how many people know the real truth 28209about his or her love affairs. 28210 -- Rebecca West 28211% 28212Just machines to make big decisions, 28213Programmed by men for compassion and vision, 28214We'll be clean when their work is done, 28215We'll be eternally free, yes, eternally young, 28216What a beautiful world this will be, 28217What a glorious time to be free. 28218 -- Donald Fagon, "What A Beautiful World" 28219% 28220Just once, I wish we would encounter 28221an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets. 28222 -- The Brigader, "Dr. Who" 28223% 28224Just remember, wherever you go, there you are. 28225 -- Buckeroo Banzai 28226% 28227`Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried, 28228 As he landed his crew with care; 28229Supporting each man on the top of the tide 28230 By a finger entwined in his hair. 28231 28232`Just the place for a Snark! I have said it twice: 28233 That alone should encourage the crew. 28234Just the place for a Snark! I have said it thrice: 28235 What I tell you three times is true.' 28236% 28237Just to have it is enough. 28238% 28239Just weigh your own hurt against the hurt 28240of all the others, and then do what's best. 28241 -- Lovers and Other Strangers 28242% 28243Just what does "it" mean in the sentence, "What time is it?" 28244% 28245Just yesterday morning, they let me know you were gone, 28246Suzanne, the plans they made put an end to you, 28247I went out this morning and I wrote down this song, 28248Just can't remember who to send it to... 28249 28250Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain, 28251I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end, 28252I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend, 28253But I always thought that I'd see you again. 28254Thought I'd see you one more time again. 28255 -- James Taylor, "Fire and Rain" 28256% 28257JUSTICE: 28258 A decision in your favor. 28259% 28260Justice is incidental to law and order. 28261 -- J. Edgar Hoover 28262% 28263Justice, n: 28264 A decision in your favor. 28265% 28266Kafka's Law: 28267 In the fight between you and the world, back the world. 28268 -- Franz Kafka, "RS's 1974 Expectation of Days" 28269% 28270Kamikazes do it once. 28271% 28272KANSAS: 28273 Where the men are men and so are the women! 28274% 28275Karlson's Theorem of Snack Food Packages: 28276 28277For all P, where P is a package of snack food, P is a SINGLE-SERVING 28278package of snack food. 28279 28280Gibson the Cat's Corollary: 28281 28282For all L, where L is a package of lunch meat, L is Gibson's package 28283of lunch meat. 28284% 28285Kath: Can he be present at the birth of his child? 28286Ed: It's all any reasonable child can expect if the dad is present 28287 at the conception. 28288 -- Joe Orton, "Entertaining Mr. Sloane" 28289% 28290Katz' Law: 28291 Men and nations will act rationally when 28292 all other possibilities have been exhausted. 28293 28294History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have 28295exhausted all other alternatives. 28296 -- Abba Eban 28297% 28298Kaufman's First Law of Party Physics: 28299 Population density is inversely proportional 28300 to the square of the distance from the keg. 28301% 28302Kaufman's Law: 28303 A policy is a restrictive document to prevent a recurrence 28304 of a single incident, in which that incident is never mentioned. 28305% 28306Keep a diary and one day it'll keep you. 28307 -- Mae West 28308% 28309Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans. 28310% 28311Keep ancient lands, your storied pomp! cries she 28312With silent lips. Give me your tired, your poor, 28313Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, 28314The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. 28315Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me... 28316 -- Emma Lazarus, "The New Colossus" 28317% 28318Keep cool, but don't freeze. 28319 -- Hellman's Mayonnaise 28320% 28321Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis. 28322% 28323Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo. 28324% 28325Keep in mind always the four constant Laws of Frisbee: 28326 1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc 28327 straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this 28328 force is technically termed "car suck"). 28329 2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive 28330 than "Watch this!" 28331 3) The probability of a Frisbee hitting something is directly 28332 proportional to the cost of hitting it. For instance, a 28333 Frisbee will always head directly towards a policeman or 28334 a little old lady rather than the beat up Chevy. 28335 4) Your best throw happens when no one is watching; when the 28336 cute girl you've been trying to impress is watching, the 28337 Frisbee will invariably bounce out of your hand or hit you 28338 in the head and knock you silly. 28339% 28340Keep it short for pithy sake. 28341% 28342Keep on keepin' on. 28343% 28344Keep patting your enemy on the back until a 28345small bullet hole appears between your fingers. 28346 -- Joe Bonanno 28347% 28348Keep the number of passes in a compiler to a minimum. 28349 -- D. Gries 28350% 28351Keep the phase, baby. 28352% 28353Keep up the good work! But please don't ask me to help. 28354% 28355Keep women you cannot. Marry them and they come to hate the way 28356you walk across the room; remain their lover, and they jilt you 28357at the end of six months. 28358 -- Moore 28359% 28360Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. 28361% 28362Keep your Eye on the Ball, 28363Your Shoulder to the Wheel, 28364Your Nose to the Grindstone, 28365Your Feet on the Ground, 28366Your Head on your Shoulders. 28367Now... try to get something DONE! 28368% 28369Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. 28370 -- Benjamin Franklin 28371% 28372Keep your laws off my body! 28373% 28374Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid; 28375Open it and you remove all doubt. 28376% 28377Kennedy's Market Theorem: 28378 Given enough inside information and unlimited credit, 28379 you've got to go broke. 28380% 28381Kent's Heuristic: 28382 Look for it first where you'd most like to find it. 28383% 28384kern, v: 28385 1. To pack type together as tightly as the kernels on an ear 28386 of corn. 2. In parts of Brooklyn and Queens, N.Y., a small, 28387 metal object used as part of the monetary system. 28388% 28389KERNEL: 28390 A part of an operating system that preserves the medieval 28391 traditions of sorcery and black art. 28392% 28393Kettering's Observation: 28394 Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence. 28395% 28396Kids always brighten up a house; mostly by leaving the lights on. 28397% 28398Kids have *never* taken guidance from their parents. If you could travel 28399back in time and observe the original primate family in the original tree, 28400you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate teenager for sitting 28401around and sulking all day instead of hunting for grubs and berries like 28402dad primate. Then you'd see the primate teenager stomp up to his branch 28403and slam the leaves. 28404 -- Dave Barry 28405% 28406Kill a commy for your mommy. 28407% 28408Kill 'em all, and let God sort 'em out. 28409% 28410Kill for the love of killing! Kill for the love of Kali! 28411 -- Hindu saying 28412% 28413Kill Kill, 28414Hate Hate, 28415Murder, Maim, and Mutilate! 28416% 28417Kill your parents. 28418 -- Jerry Rubin 28419% 28420Killing turkeys causes winter. 28421% 28422Kilroe hic erat! 28423% 28424Kime's Law for the Reward of Meekness: 28425 Turning the other cheek merely ensures two bruised cheeks. 28426% 28427KIN: 28428 An affliction of the blood. 28429% 28430Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read. 28431 -- Mark Twain 28432% 28433Kindness is the beginning of cruelty. 28434 -- Muad'dib 28435% 28436Kington's Law of Perforation: 28437 If a straight line of holes is made in a piece of paper, such 28438 as a sheet of stamps or a check, that line becomes the strongest 28439 part of the paper. 28440% 28441Kinkler's First Law: 28442 Responsibility always exceeds authority. 28443 28444Kinkler's Second Law: 28445 All the easy problems have been solved. 28446% 28447Kirk to Enterprise... 28448% 28449Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack. 28450% 28451Kiss a non-smoker; taste the difference. 28452% 28453Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday. 28454 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew" 28455% 28456Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic. 28457% 28458Kiss your keyboard goodbye! 28459% 28460Kissing a fish is like smoking a bicycle. 28461% 28462Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray. 28463% 28464Kissing don't last, cookery do. 28465 -- George Meredith 28466% 28467Kissing your hand may make you feel very good, but a diamond and 28468sapphire bracelet lasts for ever. 28469 -- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes" 28470% 28471Kitchen activity is highlighted. 28472Butter up a friend. 28473% 28474Kites rise highest against the wind -- not with it. 28475 -- Winston Churchill 28476% 28477Klatu barada nikto. 28478% 28479Kleeneness is next to Godelness. 28480% 28481Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within. 28482% 28483KLEPTOMANIAC: 28484 A rich thief. 28485% 28486Kliban's First Law of Dining: 28487 Never eat anything bigger than your head. 28488% 28489Klingon phaser attack from front!!!!! 28490100% Damage to life support!!!! 28491% 28492Kludge, n: 28493 An ill-assorted collection of poorly-matching parts, forming a 28494 distressing whole. 28495 -- Jackson Granholm, "Datamation" 28496% 28497Knebel's Law: 28498 It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading 28499 causes of statistics. 28500% 28501Knights are hardly worth it. 28502I mean, all that shell and so little meat... 28503% 28504Knock, knock! 28505 Who's there? 28506Sam and Janet. 28507 Sam and Janet who? 28508Sam and Janet Evening... 28509% 28510Knock Knock... (who's there?) Ether! (ether who?) Eather Bunny... Yea! 28511[chorus] 28512 Yeay! 28513 Stay on the Happy side, always on the happy side, 28514 Stay on the Happy side of life! 28515 Bum bum bum bum bum bum 28516 You will feel no pain, as we drive you insane, 28517 So Stay on the Happy Side of life! 28518 28519Knock Knock... (who's there?) Anna! (anna who?) 28520 An another eather bunny... [chorus] 28521Knock Knock... (who's there?) Stilla! (stilla who?) 28522 Still another ether bunny... [chorus] 28523Knock Knock... (who's there?) Yetta! (yetta who?) 28524 Yet another ether bunny... [chorus] 28525Knock Knock... (who's there?) Cargo! (cargo who?) 28526 Cargo beep beep and run over eather bunny... [chorus] 28527Knock Knock... (who's there?) Boo! (boo who?) 28528 Don't Cry! Eather bunny be back next year! [chorus] 28529% 28530Knocked, you weren't in. 28531 -- Opportunity 28532% 28533Know how to save 5 drowning lawyers? 28534 28535-- No? 28536 28537GOOD! 28538% 28539Know Thy User. 28540% 28541Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A. 28542% 28543Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions. 28544 -- Henry N. Camp 28545% 28546KNOWLEDGE: 28547 Things you believe. 28548% 28549Knowledge is power. 28550 -- Francis Bacon 28551% 28552Knowledge is power -- knowledge shared is power lost. 28553 -- Aleister Crowley 28554% 28555Knowledge without common sense is folly. 28556% 28557Knucklehead: "Knock, knock" 28558Pee Wee: "Who's there?" 28559Knucklehead: "Little ol' lady." 28560Pee Wee: "Liddle ol' lady who?" 28561Knucklehead: "I didn't know you could yodel" 28562% 28563Kramer's Law: 28564 You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks. 28565% 28566Kramer's Law: 28567You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track. 28568% 28569KROGT: 28570 (chemical symbol: Kr) The metallic silver coating found 28571 on fast-food game cards. 28572 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 28573% 28574LA: 28575 Where the only way to determine that the seasons have changed 28576 is to note that people have changed the main topic of conversation. 28577 From mud slides to brush fires. 28578% 28579Labor, n: 28580 One of the processes whereby A acquires property for B. 28581 -- Ambrose Bierce 28582% 28583Lack of capability is usually disguised by lack of interest. 28584% 28585Lack of money is the root of all evil. 28586 -- George Bernard Shaw 28587% 28588Lackland's Laws: 28589 1. Never be first. 28590 2. Never be last. 28591 3. Never volunteer for anything. 28592% 28593LACTOMANGULATION: 28594 Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly that 28595 one has to resort to using the "illegal" side. 28596 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 28597% 28598La-dee-dee, la-dee-dah. 28599% 28600Ladies and Gentlemen, Hobos and Tramps, 28601Cross-eyed mosquitoes and bowlegged ants, 28602I come before you to stand behind you 28603To tell you of something I know nothing about. 28604Next Thursday (which is good Friday), 28605There will be a convention held in the 28606Women's Club which is strictly for Men. 28607Admission is free, pay at the door, 28608Pull up a chair, and sit on the floor. 28609It was a summer's day in winter, 28610And the snow was raining fast, 28611As a barefoot boy with shoes on, 28612Stood sitting in the grass. 28613Oh, that bright day in the dead of night, 28614Two dead men got up to fight. 28615Three blind men to see fair play, 28616Forty mutes to yell "Hooray"! 28617Back to back, they faced each other, 28618Drew their swords and shot each other. 28619A deaf policeman heard the noise, 28620Came and arrested those two dead boys. 28621% 28622Ladies, here's a hint: If you're playing against a friend who has big 28623boobs, bring her to the net and make her hit backhand volleys. That's 28624the hardest shot for the well endowed. "I've got to hit over them or 28625under them, but I can't hit through," Annie Jones used to always moan 28626to me. Not having much in my bra, I found it hard to sympathize with 28627her. 28628 -- Billie Jean King 28629% 28630Lady, lady, should you meet 28631One whose ways are all discreet, 28632One who murmurs that his wife 28633Is the lodestar of his life, 28634One who keeps assuring you 28635That he never was untrue, 28636Never loved another one... 28637Lady, lady, better run! 28638 -- Dorothy Parker, "Social Note" 28639% 28640Lady Luck brings added income today. 28641Lady friend takes it away tonight. 28642% 28643Lady Nancy Astor: 28644 "Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee." 28645Winston Churchill: 28646 "Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it." 28647 28648Lady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked her what 28649disguise she would recommend for him. She replied, "Why don't you come 28650sober, Mr. Prime Minister?" 28651 28652 During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a buffet 28653luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served. Returning for a second 28654helping, he asked politely, "May I have some breast?" 28655 "Mr. Churchill," replied the hostess, "in this country we ask for 28656white meat or dark meat." Churchill apologized profusely. 28657 The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid from 28658her guest of honor. The accompanying card read: "I would be most obliged if 28659you would pin this on your white meat." 28660% 28661Ladybug, ladybug, 28662Look to your stern! 28663Your house is on fire, 28664Your children will burn! 28665So jump ye and sing, for 28666The very first time 28667The four lines above 28668Have been put into rhyme. 28669 -- Walt Kelly 28670% 28671Laetrile is the pits. 28672% 28673Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if 28674each acts like a vulture, all will end as doves. 28675% 28676Lake Erie died for your sins. 28677% 28678((lambda (foo) (bar foo)) (baz)) 28679% 28680Lamonte Cranston once hired a new Chinese manservant. While describing his 28681duties to the new man, Lamonte pointed to a bowl of candy on the coffee 28682table and warned him that he was not to take any. Some days later, the new 28683manservant was cleaning up, with no one at home, and decided to sample some 28684of the candy. Just than, Cranston walked in, spied the manservant at the 28685candy, and said: 28686 "Pardon me Choy, is that the Shadow's nugate you chew?" 28687% 28688Language is a virus from another planet. 28689 -- William Burroughs 28690% 28691Lank: Here we go. We're about to set a new record. 28692Earl: (to the crowd) How about a date? 28693Lank: We've done it. Earl has set a new record. Turned down by 28694 20,000 women. 28695 -- Lank and Earl 28696% 28697Lansdale seized on the idea of using Nixon to build support for the 28698[Vietnamese] elections ... really honest elections, this time. "Oh, sure, 28699honest, yes, that's right," Nixon said, "so long as you win!" With that 28700he winked, drove his elbow into Lansdale's arm and slapped his own knee. 28701 -- Richard Nixon, quoted in "Sideshow" by W. Shawcross 28702% 28703Large increases in cost with questionable increases in 28704performance can be tolerated only in race horses and women. 28705 -- Lord Kalvin 28706% 28707Largest Number of Driving Test Failures 28708 By April 1970 Mrs. Miriam Hargrave had failed her test thirty-nine 28709times. In the eight preceding years she had received two hundred and 28710twelve driving lessons at a cost of L300. She set the new record while 28711driving triumphantly through a set of red traffic lights in Wakefield, 28712Yorkshire. Disappointingly, she passed at the fortieth attempt (3 August 287131970) but eight years later she showed some of her old magic when she was 28714reported as saying that she still didn't like doing right-hand turns. 28715 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 28716% 28717Larkinson's Law: 28718 All laws are basically false. 28719% 28720LASER: 28721 Failed death ray. 28722% 28723Last guys don't finish nice. 28724 -- Stanley Kelley, on the cult of victory at all costs 28725% 28726Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up 28727the pillow was gone. 28728 -- Tommy Cooper 28729% 28730Last night I met upon the stair 28731A little man who wasn't there. 28732He wasn't there again today. 28733Gee how I wish he'd go away! 28734% 28735Last night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a flash.... 28736The neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops. 28737 -- Stephen Wright 28738% 28739Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police record. 28740I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album. Cops have no sense of humor. 28741% 28742Last week's pet, this week's special. 28743% 28744Last year we drove across the country... We switched on the driving... 28745every half mile. We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip. 28746I don't remember what it was. 28747 -- Stephen Wright 28748% 28749Latin is a language, 28750As dead as can be. 28751First it killed the Romans, 28752And now it's killing me. 28753% 28754Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either. 28755% 28756Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone. 28757% 28758Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot. 28759% 28760Laugh at your problems: everybody else does. 28761% 28762Laugh when you can; cry when you must. 28763% 28764Laughing at you is like drop kicking a wounded humming bird. 28765% 28766Laughter is the closest distance between two people. 28767 -- Victor Borge 28768% 28769Laura's Law: 28770 No child throws up in the bathroom. 28771% 28772Lavish spending can be disastrous. 28773Don't buy any lavishes for a while. 28774% 28775Law enforcement officers should use only the minimum 28776force necessary in dealing with disorders when they arise. 28777 -- Richard M. Nixon 28778% 28779Law of Communications: 28780 The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications 28781 between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased 28782 area of misunderstanding. 28783% 28784Law of Continuity: 28785 Experiments should be reproducible. 28786 They should all fail the same way. 28787% 28788Law of Probable Dispersal: 28789 Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. 28790% 28791Law of Procrastination: 28792 Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has 28793 the feeling that there is nothing important to do. 28794% 28795Law of Selective Gravity: 28796 An object will fall so as to do the most damage. 28797 28798Jenning's Corollary: 28799 The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side 28800 down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet. 28801 28802Law of the Perversity of Nature: 28803 You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter. 28804% 28805Law of the Jungle: 28806 He who hesitates is lunch. 28807% 28808Law of the Yukon: 28809 Only the lead dog gets a change of scenery. 28810% 28811Law stands mute in the midst of arms. 28812 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero 28813% 28814Lawful Dungeon Master -- and they're MY laws! 28815% 28816Lawrence Radiation Laboratory keeps all its data in an old gray trunk. 28817% 28818Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made. 28819 -- Otto von Bismarck 28820% 28821Laws of Computer Programming: 28822 1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete. 28823 2. Any given program costs more and takes longer. 28824 3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. 28825 4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented. 28826 5. Any given program will expand to fill all available memory. 28827 6. The value of a program is proportional the weight of its output. 28828 7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of 28829 the programmer who must maintain it. 28830% 28831LAWSUIT: 28832 A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage. 28833 -- Ambrose Bierce 28834% 28835Lawyer's Rule: 28836 When the law is against you, argue the facts. 28837 When the facts are against you, argue the law. 28838 When both are against you, call the other lawyer names. 28839% 28840Lay off the muses, it's a very tough dollar. 28841 -- S.J. Perelman 28842% 28843Lay on, MacDuff, and curs'd be him who first cries, "Hold, enough!". 28844 -- Shakespeare 28845% 28846Lays eggs inside a paper bag; 28847The reason, you will see, no doubt, 28848Is to keep the lightning out. 28849But what these unobservant birds 28850Have failed to notice is that herds 28851Of bears may come with buns 28852And steal the bags to hold the crumbs. 28853% 28854Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: 28855 No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats -- 28856 approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less. 28857% 28858LAZY: 28859 Marrying a pregnant woman. 28860% 28861Leadership involves finding a parade and getting in front of it; what 28862is happening in America is that those parades are getting smaller and 28863smaller -- and there are many more of them. 28864 -- John Naisbitt, "Megatrends" 28865% 28866Learn from other people's mistakes, you don't have time to make your own. 28867% 28868Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you. 28869% 28870Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads. 28871% 28872Learning at some schools is like drinking from a firehose. 28873% 28874LEARNING CURVE: 28875 An astonishing new theory, discovered by management consultants 28876 in the 1970's, asserting that the more you do something the 28877 quicker you can do it. 28878% 28879Learning without thought is labor lost; 28880thought without learning is perilous. 28881 -- Confucius 28882% 28883Leave no stone unturned. 28884 -- Euripides 28885% 28886Lee's Law: 28887 Mother said there would be days like this, 28888 but she never said that there'd be so many! 28889% 28890Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. 28891% 28892Leibowitz's Rule: 28893 When hammering a nail, you will never hit your 28894 finger if you hold the hammer with both hands. 28895% 28896Lemma: All horses are the same color. 28897Proof (by induction): 28898 Case n = 1: In a set with only one horse, it is obvious that all 28899 horses in that set are the same color. 28900 Case n = k: Suppose you have a set of k+1 horses. Pull one of these 28901 horses out of the set, so that you have k horses. Suppose that all 28902 of these horses are the same color. Now put back the horse that you 28903 took out, and pull out a different one. Suppose that all of the k 28904 horses now in the set are the same color. Then the set of k+1 horses 28905 are all the same color. We have k true => k+1 true; therefore all 28906 horses are the same color. 28907Theorem: All horses have an infinite number of legs. 28908Proof (by intimidation): 28909 Everyone would agree that all horses have an even number of legs. It 28910 is also well-known that horses have forelegs in front and two legs in 28911 back. 4 + 2 = 6 legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a 28912 horse to have! Now the only number that is both even and odd is 28913 infinity; therefore all horses have an infinite number of legs. 28914 However, suppose that there is a horse somewhere that does not have an 28915 infinite number of legs. Well, that would be a horse of a different 28916 color; and by the Lemma, it doesn't exist. 28917% 28918Lemmings don't grow older, they just die. 28919% 28920Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you. 28921% 28922Lensmen eat Jedi for breakfast. 28923% 28924LEO (Jul. 23 to Aug. 22) 28925 Your presence, poise, charm and good looks won't even help you today. 28926 Look over your shoulder; an ugly person may be following you. Be on 28927 your toes. Brush your teeth. Take Geritol. 28928% 28929LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) 28930 You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. 28931 Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest 28932 criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves. 28933% 28934LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) 28935 Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore. Your 28936 ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because you've got 28937 a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of fact, if you can 28938 laugh at what happens to you today, you've got a sick sense of humor. 28939% 28940Lesbian QOTD: 28941I didn't give up sex, I just gave up premature ejaculation. 28942% 28943Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage. 28944 -- Publilius Syrus 28945% 28946Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday. 28947% 28948Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish. 28949 -- Shakespeare, "Coriolanus" 28950% 28951Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a 28952number. Youre two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and 28953another number. 28954 -- James Estes 28955% 28956Let me not to the marriage of true minds 28957Admit impediments. Love is not love 28958Which alters when it alteration finds, 28959Or bends with the remover to remove: 28960O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark, 28961That looks on tempests and is never shaken; 28962It is the star to every wandering bark, 28963Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken. 28964Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks 28965Within his bending sickle's compass come; 28966Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, 28967But bears it out even to the edge of doom. 28968If this be error and upon me proved, 28969I never writ, nor no man ever loved. 28970% 28971Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience. 28972% 28973Let me take you a button-hole lower. 28974 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost" 28975% 28976Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are. On one side, you have 28977George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of fraternity hazing 28978wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating stunts to win the approval 28979of the Republican Right. For example, they had him make a speech oozing 28980praise all over William Loeb, deceased publisher of the Manchester (N.H.) 28981Union Leader and Slime Journalist. Loeb had dumped viciously all over George 28982in the 1980 New Hampshire primary. But when the Right held a big tribute 28983for Loeb, George came back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped 28984around his neck. 28985 -- Dave Barry 28986% 28987Let no guilty man escape. 28988 -- U.S. Grant 28989% 28990Let not the sands of time get in your lunch. 28991% 28992Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these. 28993 -- Ovid (43 B.C. - A.D. 18) 28994% 28995Let sleeping dogs lie. 28996 -- Charles Dickens 28997% 28998Let the machine do the dirty work. 28999 -- "Elements of Programming Style", Kernighan and Ritchie 29000% 29001Let the meek inherit the earth -- they have it coming to them. 29002 -- James Thurber 29003% 29004Let the people think they govern and they will be governed. 29005 -- William Penn, founder of Pennsylvania 29006% 29007Let the worthy citizens of Chicago get their liquor the best way 29008they can. I'm sick of the job. It's a thankless one and full of grief. 29009 -- Capone 29010% 29011Let thy maid servant be faithful, strong, and homely. 29012 -- Benjamin Franklin 29013% 29014Let us go then you and I 29015while the night is laid out against the sky 29016like a smear of mustard on an old pork pie. 29017 29018"Nice poem Tom. I have ideas for changes though, why not come over?" 29019 -- Ezra 29020% 29021Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets, 29022The muttering retreats 29023Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels 29024And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells: 29025Streets that follow like a tedious argument 29026Of insidious intent 29027To lead you to an overwhelming question... 29028Oh, do not ask, "What is it?" 29029 -- T.S. Eliot, "Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock" 29030% 29031Let us live!!! 29032Let us love!!! 29033Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!! 29034 29035You first. 29036% 29037Let us never negotiate out of fear, 29038but let us never fear to negotiate. 29039 -- John F. Kennedy 29040% 29041Let us not look back in anger or forward 29042in fear, but around us in awareness. 29043 -- James Thurber 29044% 29045Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order. 29046% 29047Let us treat men and women well; 29048Treat them as if they were real; 29049Perhaps they are. 29050 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 29051% 29052Let your conscience be your guide. 29053 -- Pope 29054% 29055L'etat c'est moi. 29056[The state, that's me.] 29057 -- Louis XIV 29058% 29059Let's do it. 29060 -- Gary Gilmore, to his firing squad 29061% 29062Let's just be friends and make no special 29063effort to ever see each other again. 29064% 29065Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted. In every 29066relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive. If you 29067really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the end. 29068For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the qualities 29069I most admired in myself I gave up. I stopped being loud and bossy... 29070Oh, all right. I was still loud and bossy, but only behind his back." 29071 -- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn 29072% 29073Let's love each other slowly, 29074reaching for a plane, 29075of exquisite pleasure, 29076and delicate pain. 29077 -- Adam Beslove 29078% 29079Let's not complicate our relationship 29080by trying to communicate with each other. 29081% 29082Let's organize this thing and take all the fun out of it. 29083% 29084Let's remind ourselves that last year's fresh idea is today's cliche. 29085 -- Austen Briggs 29086% 29087Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your 29088hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental 29089Anguish. You would sue: 29090 29091* The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions 29092 section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand 29093 into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls 29094 in there". 29095 29096* The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious 29097 cretin like yourself. 29098 29099* Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this 29100 case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you 29101 a large cash settlement anyway. 29102 -- Dave Barry 29103% 29104LEVERAGE: 29105 Even if someone doesn't care what the world thinks 29106 about them, they always hope their mother doesn't find out. 29107% 29108Leveraging always beats prototyping. 29109% 29110Lewis's Law of Travel: 29111 The first piece of luggage out of the 29112 chute doesn't belong to anyone, ever. 29113% 29114L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare. 29115 -- L. Pasteur 29116% 29117LIAR: 29118 A lawyer with a roving commission. 29119% 29120Liar: one who tells an unpleasant truth. 29121 -- Oliver Herford 29122% 29123LIBERAL: 29124 Someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist. 29125% 29126Liberals are the first to dump you if you con them or get into 29127trouble. Conservatives are better. They never run out on you. 29128 -- Joseph "Crazy Joe" Gallo 29129% 29130Liberty don't work as good in practice as it does in speeches. 29131 -- The Best of Will Rogers 29132% 29133LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22) 29134 Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your desire 29135 for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and polite. Someone 29136 is watching you, so stop staring like that. 29137% 29138LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 23) 29139 Major achievements, new friends, and a previously unexplored way 29140 to make a lot of money will come to a lot of people today, but 29141 unfortunately you won't be one of them. Consider not getting out 29142 of bed today. 29143% 29144LIE: 29145 A very poor substitute for the truth, 29146 but the only one discovered to date. 29147% 29148Lieberman's Law: 29149 Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. 29150% 29151Lieberman's Law: 29152Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter, cuz nobody listens. 29153% 29154Lies! All lies! You're all lying against my boys! 29155 -- Ma Barker 29156% 29157LIFE: 29158 A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while. 29159% 29160LIFE: 29161 Learning about people the hard way -- by being one. 29162% 29163LIFE: 29164 That brief interlude between nothingness and eternity. 29165% 29166Life -- Love It or Leave It. 29167% 29168Life begins at the centerfold and expands outward. 29169 -- Miss November, 1966 29170% 29171Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge. 29172 -- Paul Gauguin 29173% 29174Life can be so tragic -- you're here today and here tomorrow. 29175% 29176Life does not begin at the moment of conception or the moment of birth. 29177It begins when the kids leave home and the dog dies. 29178% 29179Life exists for no known purpose. 29180% 29181Life in this society being, at best, an utter bore and no aspect of society 29182being at all relevant to women, there remains to civic-minded responsible 29183thrill-seeking females only to overthrow the government, eliminate the money 29184system, institute complete automation and destroy the male sex. 29185 -- Valerie Solanas 29186% 29187Life is a biochemical reaction to the stimulus of the surrounding 29188environment in a stable ecosphere, while a bowl of cherries is a 29189round container filled with little red fruits on sticks. 29190% 29191Life is a concentration camp. You're stuck here and there's no way 29192out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors. 29193 -- Woody Allen 29194% 29195Life is a gamble at terrible odds, if it was a bet you wouldn't take it. 29196 -- Tom Stoppard, "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead" 29197% 29198Life is a game. In order to have a game, something has to be more 29199important than something else. If what already is, is more important 29200than what isn't, the game is over. So, life is a game in which what 29201isn't, is more important than what is. Let the good times roll. 29202 -- Werner Erhard 29203% 29204Life is a game of bridge -- and you've just been finessed. 29205% 29206Life is a glorious cycle of song, 29207A medley of extemporania; 29208And love is thing that can never go wrong; 29209And I am Marie of Roumania. 29210 -- Dorothy Parker, "Comment" 29211% 29212Life is a grand adventure -- or it is nothing. 29213 -- Helen Keller 29214% 29215Life is a healthy respect for mother nature laced with greed. 29216% 29217Life is a hospital in which every patient is possessed by the desire to 29218change his bed. 29219 -- Charles Baudelaire 29220% 29221Life is a series of rude awakenings. 29222 -- R.V. Winkle 29223% 29224Life is a serious burden, which no thinking, 29225humane person would wantonly inflict on someone else. 29226 -- Clarence Darrow 29227% 29228Life is a sexually transferred disease with 100% mortality. 29229% 29230Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string. 29231% 29232Life is an exciting business, and most 29233exciting when it is lived for others. 29234% 29235Life is both difficult and time consuming. 29236% 29237Life is cheap, but the accessories can kill you. 29238% 29239Life is difficult because it is non-linear. 29240% 29241Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. 29242 -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall" 29243% 29244Life is fraught with opportunities to keep your mouth shut. 29245% 29246Life is just a bowl of cherries, but why do I always get the pits? 29247% 29248Life is knowing how far to go without crossing the line. 29249% 29250Life is like a 10 speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use. 29251 -- C. Schultz 29252% 29253"Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it." 29254% 29255Life is like a diaper - short and loaded. 29256% 29257Life is like a sewer. 29258What you get out of it depends on what you put into it. 29259 -- Tom Lehrer 29260% 29261Life is like a tin of sardines. 29262We're, all of us, looking for the key. 29263 -- Beyond the Fringe 29264% 29265Life is like an egg stain on your chin -- 29266you can lick it, but it still won't go away. 29267% 29268Life is like an onion: you peel it off 29269one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep. 29270 -- Carl Sandburg 29271% 29272Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after 29273layer and then you find there is nothing in it. 29274 -- James Huneker 29275% 29276Life is like arriving late for a movie, having to figure out what was 29277going on without bothering everybody with a lot of questions, and then 29278being unexpectedly called away before you find out how it ends. 29279% 29280Life is like bein' on a mule team. Unless you're 29281the lead mule, all the scenery looks about the same. 29282% 29283Life is not for everyone. 29284% 29285Life is one long struggle in the dark. 29286 -- Titus Lucretius Carus 29287% 29288Life is the childhood of our immortality. 29289 -- Goethe 29290% 29291Life is the living you do, 29292Death is the living you don't do. 29293 -- Joseph Pintauro 29294% 29295Life is the urge to ecstasy. 29296% 29297Life is to you a dashing and bold adventure. 29298% 29299Life is too short to be taken seriously. 29300 -- O. Wilde 29301% 29302Life is too short to stuff a mushroom. 29303 -- Storm Jameson 29304% 29305Life is wasted on the living. 29306 -- The Restaurant at the Edge of the Universe. 29307% 29308Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. 29309 -- John Lennon, "Beautiful Boy" 29310% 29311Life, like beer, is merely borrowed. 29312 -- Don Reed 29313% 29314Life may have no meaning, or, even worse, 29315it may have a meaning of which you disapprove. 29316% 29317Life only demands from you the strength you possess. 29318Only one feat is possible -- not to have run away. 29319 -- Dag Hammarskjold 29320% 29321Life Sucks. Cynical, misanthropic male, 34, looking for soul mate but 29322certain not to find her. Drop me a note. I'll call you, we'll talk and 29323I'll ask you out to dinner where I'll probably spend more than I can 29324afford in a feeble attempt to impress you. Then we'll realize we have 29325absolutely nothing in common and we'll go our separate ways, more 29326embittered and depressed than before (if such a thing is possible). 29327% 29328Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all. 29329 -- Thomas J. Kopp 29330% 29331Life without caffeine is stimulating enough. 29332 -- Sanka Ad 29333% 29334Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code. 29335 -- Dave Olson 29336% 29337Life would be tolerable but for its amusements. 29338 -- G.B. Shaw 29339% 29340Life's too short to dance with ugly women. 29341% 29342Lift every voice and sing 29343Till earth and heaven ring, 29344Ring with the harmonies of Liberty; 29345Let our rejoicing rise 29346High as the listening skies, 29347Let it resound loud as the rolling sea. 29348 29349Sing a song full of the faith that the dark past has taught us. 29350Sing a song full of the hope that the present has bought us. 29351Facing the rising sun of our new day begun, 29352Let us march on till victory is won. 29353 -- James Weldon Johnson 29354% 29355Lighten up, while you still can, 29356Don't even try to understand, 29357Just find a place to make your stand, 29358And take it easy. 29359 -- The Eagles, "Take It Easy" 29360% 29361LIGHTHOUSE: 29362 A tall building on the seashore in which the government 29363 maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician. 29364% 29365LIKE: 29366 When being alive at the same time is a wonderful coincidence. 29367% 29368Like all young men, you greatly exaggerate 29369the difference between one young woman and another. 29370 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Major Barbara" 29371% 29372Like an expensive sports car, fine-tuned and well-built, Portia was sleek, 29373shapely, and gorgeous, her red jumpsuit moulding her body, which was as warm 29374as seatcovers in July, her hair as dark as new tires, her eyes flashing like 29375bright hubcaps, and her lips as dewy as the beads of fresh rain on the hood; 29376she was a woman driven -- fueled by a single accelerant -- and she needed a 29377man, a man who wouldn't shift from his views, a man to steer her along the 29378right road: a man like Alf Romeo. 29379 -- Rachel Sheeley, winner 29380 29381The hair ball blocking the drain of the shower reminded Laura she would never 29382see her little dog Pritzi again. 29383 -- Claudia Fields, runner-up 29384 29385It could have been an organically based disturbance of the brain -- perhaps a 29386tumor or a metabolic deficiency -- but after a thorough neurological exam it 29387was determined that Byron was simply a jerk. 29388 -- Jeff Jahnke, runner-up 29389 29390Winners in the 7th Annual Bulwer-Lytton Bad Writing Contest. The contest is 29391named after the author of the immortal lines: "It was a dark and stormy 29392night." The object of the contest is to write the opening sentence of the 29393worst possible novel. 29394% 29395Like corn in a field I cut you down, 29396I threw the last punch way too hard, 29397After years of going steady, well, I thought it was time, 29398To throw in my hand for a new set of cards. 29399And I can't take you dancing out on the weekend, 29400I figured we'd painted too much of this town, 29401And I tried not to look as I walked to my wagon, 29402And I knew then I had lost what should have been found, 29403I knew then I had lost what should have been found. 29404 And I feel like a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford 29405 I'm as low as a paid assassin is 29406 You know I'm cold as a hired sword. 29407 I'm so ashamed we can't patch it up, 29408 You know I can't think straight no more 29409 You make me feel like a bullet, honey, 29410 a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford. 29411 -- Elton John "I Feel Like a Bullet" 29412% 29413Like I said, love wouldn't be so blind if the braille 29414weren't so damned great! 29415 -- Armistead Maupin 29416% 29417Like, if I'm not for me, then fer shure, like who will be? And if, y'know, 29418if I'm not like fer anyone else, then hey, I mean, what am I? And if not 29419now, like I dunno, maybe like when? And if not Who, then I dunno, maybe 29420like the Rolling Stones? 29421 -- Rich Rosen (Rabbi Valiel's paraphrase of famous quote 29422 attributed to Rabbi Hillel.) 29423% 29424Like my parents, I have never been a regular church member or churchgoer. 29425It doesn't seem plausible to me that there is the kind of God who watches 29426over human affairs, listens to prayers, and tries to guide people to follow 29427His precepts -- there is just too much misery and cruelty for that. On the 29428other hand, I respect and envy the people who get inspiration from their 29429religions. 29430 -- Benjamin Spock 29431% 29432Like punning, programming is a play on words. 29433% 29434Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct 29435a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops. 29436 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. 29437% 29438Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking 29439for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem. 29440 -- Alan McKay 29441% 29442Like the time I ran away... 29443And turned around and you were standing close to me. 29444 -- YES, "Going For The One/Awaken" 29445% 29446Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone. 29447% 29448Like ya know? Rock 'N Roll is an esoteric language that unlocks the 29449creativity chambers in people's brains, and like totally activates their 29450essential hipness, which of course is like totally necessary for saving 29451the earth, like because the first thing in saving this world, is getting 29452rid of stupid and square attitudes and having fun. 29453 -- Senior Year Quote 29454% 29455Like you, I am frequently haunted by profound questions related to man's 29456place in the Scheme of Things. Here are just a few: 29457 29458 Q -- Is there life after death? 29459 A -- Definitely. I speak from personal experience here. On New 29460Year's Eve, 1970, I drank a full pitcher of a drink called "Black Russian", 29461then crawled out on the lawn and died within a matter of minutes, which was 29462fine with me because I had come to realize that if I had lived I would have 29463spent the rest of my life in the grip of the most excruciatingly painful 29464headache. Thanks to the miracle of modern orange juice, I was brought back 29465to life several days later, but in the interim I was definitely dead. I 29466guess my main impression of the afterlife is that it isn't so bad as long 29467as you keep the television turned down and don't try to eat any solid foods. 29468 -- Dave Barry 29469% 29470Likewise, the national appetizer, brine-cured herring with raw onions, 29471wins few friends, Germans excepted. 29472 -- Darwin Porter "Scandinavia On $50 A Day" 29473% 29474Limericks are art forms complex, 29475Their topics run chiefly to sex. 29476 They usually have virgins, 29477 And masculine urgin's, 29478And other erotic effects. 29479% 29480"Lines that are parallel meet at Infinity!" 29481Euclid repeatedly, heatedly, urged. 29482 29483Until he died, and so reached that vicinity: 29484in it he found that the damned things diverged. 29485 -- Piet Hein 29486% 29487Linus: Hi! I thought it was you. 29488 I've been watching you from way off... You're looking great! 29489Snoopy: That's nice to know. 29490 The secret of life is to look good at a distance. 29491% 29492Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow. 29493 Maybe we should think only about today. 29494Charlie Brown: 29495 No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday 29496 will get better. 29497% 29498Linus' Law: 29499 There is no heavier burden than a great potential. 29500% 29501Lions in the street and roaming, 29502Dogs in heat, rabid, foaming, 29503A beast caged in the heart of the city. 29504The body of his mother lying in the summer ground, 29505He fled the town. 29506Went down south across the border, 29507Left the chaos and disorder 29508Back there, over his shoulder. 29509One morning he awoke in a green hotel, 29510A strange creature groaning beside him. 29511Sweat oozed from its shiny skin. 29512Is everybody in? The ceremony is about to begin. 29513 -- Jim Morrison, "Celebration of the Lizard" 29514% 29515LISP: 29516 To call a spade a thpade. 29517% 29518Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine, 29519Lisp Machine is Fun. 29520Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine, 29521Fun for everyone. 29522% 29523Lisp Users: 29524Due to the holiday next Monday, there will be no garbage collection. 29525% 29526Listen, there is no courage or any extra courage that I know of to find out 29527the right thing to do. Now, it is not only necessary to do the right thing, 29528but to do it in the right way and the only problem you have is what is the 29529right thing to do and what is the right way to do it. That is the problem. 29530But this economy of ours is not so simple that it obeys to the opinion of 29531bias or the pronouncements of any particular individual, even to the President. 29532This is an economy that is made up of 173 million people, and it reflects 29533their desires, they're ready to buy, they're ready to spend, it is a thing 29534that is too complex and too big to be affected adversely or advantageously 29535just by a few words or any particular -- say, a little this and that, or even 29536a panacea so alleged. 29537 -- D.D. Eisenhower, in response to: "Has the government 29538 been lacking in courage and boldness in facing up to 29539 the recession?" 29540% 29541Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children. 29542Life is the other way around. 29543 -- David Lodge 29544% 29545Literature is mostly about sex and not much about having children and life 29546is the other way round. 29547 -- David Lodge, "The British Museum is Falling Down" 29548% 29549Littering is dumb. 29550 -- Ronald Macdonald 29551% 29552Little Fly, 29553Thy summer's play If thought is life 29554My thoughtless hand And strength & breath, 29555Has brush'd away. And the want 29556 Of thought is death, 29557Am not I 29558A fly like thee? Then am I 29559Or art not thou A happy fly 29560A man like me? If I live 29561 Or if I die. 29562 29563For I dance 29564And drink & sing, 29565Till some blind hand 29566Shall brush my wing. 29567 -- William Blake, "The Fly" 29568% 29569Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse. 29570 -- Lazarus Long 29571% 29572Little known fact about Middle Earth: The Hobbits had a very 29573sophisticated computer network! It was a Tolkein Ring... 29574% 29575Little Known Facts, #23: 29576 Did you know... that if you dial 911 in Los Angeles you get 29577 the BMW repair garage? 29578% 29579Little Mary on the ice, 29580Went out to have a frisk, 29581Now wasn't little Mary nice, 29582Her pretty *? 29583% 29584Live fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway! 29585 -- The Squirrels' Motto (The "Hell's Angels of Nature") 29586% 29587Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse. 29588 -- James Dean 29589% 29590Live from New York ... It's Saturday Night! 29591% 29592Live in a world of your own, but always welcome visitors. 29593% 29594Live never to be ashamed if anything you do or say is 29595published around the world -- even if what is published is not true. 29596 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul 29597% 29598Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so. 29599 -- Josh Billings 29600% 29601Living here in Rio, I have lots of coffees to choose from. And when 29602you're on the lam like me, you appreciate a good cup of coffee. 29603 -- "Great Train Robber" Ronald Biggs' coffee commercial 29604% 29605Living in California is like living in a bowl of granola. 29606What ain't flakes and nuts is fruits. 29607% 29608Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola. 29609What ain't fruits and nuts is flakes. 29610% 29611Living in New York City gives people real incentives 29612to want things that nobody else wants. 29613 -- Andy Warhol 29614% 29615Living in the complex world of the future is somewhat 29616like having bees live in your head. But, there they are. 29617% 29618Living on Earth may be expensive, but it 29619includes an annual free trip around the Sun. 29620% 29621LIVING YOUR LIFE: 29622 A task so difficult, it has never been attempted before. 29623% 29624Lizzie Borden took an axe, 29625And plunged it deep into the VAX; 29626Don't you envy people who 29627Do all the things YOU want to do? 29628% 29629Lo! Men have become the tool of their tools. 29630 -- Henry David Thoreau 29631% 29632Lobster: 29633 Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are 29634squeamish about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the only 29635proper method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to eliminate your 29636guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial before they're cooked. 29637The fact is, lobsters are among the most ferocious predators on the sea 29638floor, and you're helping reduce crime in the reefs. Grasp the lobster 29639behind the head, look it right in its unmistakably guilty eyestalks and say, 29640"Where were you on the night of the 21st?", then flourish a picture of a 29641scallop or a sole and shout, "Perhaps this will refresh that crude neural 29642apparatus you call a memory!" The lobster will squirm noticeably. It may 29643even take a swipe at you with one of its claws. Incorrigible. Pop it into 29644the pot. Justice has been served, and shortly you and your friends will 29645be, too. 29646 -- Dave Barry 29647% 29648Lobster: 29649 Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are squeamish 29650 about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the only proper 29651 method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to eliminate your 29652 guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial before they're 29653 cooked. The fact is, lobsters are among the most ferocious predators on 29654 the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime in the reefs. Grasp the 29655 lobster behind the head, look it right in its unmistakably guilty 29656 eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of the 21st?", then 29657 flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout, "Perhaps this will 29658 refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a memory!" The lobster will 29659 squirm noticeably. It may even take a swipe at you with one of its claws. 29660 Incorrigible. Pop it into the pot. Justice has been served, and shortly 29661 you and your friends will be, too. 29662 -- Cooking: The Art of Turning Appliances and Utensils 29663 into Excuses and Apologies 29664% 29665Lockwood's Long Shot: 29666 The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street 29667 aren't one in a million, but once would be enough. 29668% 29669Logic doesn't apply to the real world. 29670 -- Marvin Minsky 29671% 29672Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree, that smells AWFUL. 29673% 29674Logic is a pretty flower that smells bad. 29675% 29676Logic is a systematic method of coming 29677to the wrong conclusion with confidence. 29678% 29679Logic is the chastity belt of the mind! 29680% 29681Logicians have but ill defined 29682As rational the human kind. 29683Logic, they say, belongs to man, 29684But let them prove it if they can. 29685 -- Oliver Goldsmith 29686% 29687LOGO for the Dead 29688 29689LOGO for the Dead lets you continue your computing activities from 29690"The Other Side." 29691 29692The package includes a unique telecommunications feature which lets you 29693turn your TRS-80 into an electronic Ouija board. Then, using Logo's 29694graphics capabilities, you can work with a friend or relative on this 29695side of the Great Beyond to write programs. The software requires that 29696your body be hardwired to an analog-to-digital converter, which is then 29697interfaced to your computer. A special terminal (very terminal) program 29698lets you talk with the users through Deadnet, an EBBS (Ectoplasmic 29699Bulletin Board System). 29700 29701LOGO for the Dead is available for 10 percent of your estate 29702from NecroSoft inc., 6502 Charnelhouse Blvd., Cleveland, OH 44101. 29703 -- '80 Microcomputing 29704% 29705Loneliness is a terrible price to pay for independence. 29706% 29707Lonely is a man without love. 29708 -- Englebert Humperdinck 29709% 29710Lonely men seek companionship. 29711Lonely women sit at home and wait. They never meet. 29712% 29713Lonesome? 29714 29715Like a change? 29716Like a new job? 29717Like excitement? 29718Like to meet new and interesting people? 29719 29720JUST SCREW-UP ONE MORE TIME!!!!!!! 29721% 29722Long ago I proposed that unsuccessful candidates for the Presidency 29723be quietly hanged, as a matter of public sanitation and decorum. 29724The sight of their grief must have a very evil effect upon the young. 29725 -- H.L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe" 29726% 29727Long computations which yield zero are probably all for naught. 29728% 29729Long life is in store for you. 29730% 29731Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and 29732long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his 29733pain and his aloneness without regret? 29734 -- Kahlil Gibran, "The Prophet" 29735% 29736Look! Before our very eyes, the future is becoming the past. 29737% 29738Look afar and see the end from the beginning. 29739% 29740Look at it this way: 29741Your daughter just named the fresh turkey you brought 29742home "Cuddles", so you're going out to buy a canned ham. 29743And you're still drinking ordinary scotch? 29744% 29745Look at it this way: 29746Your wife's spending $280 a month on meditation lessons to 29747forget $26,000 of college education. 29748And you're still drinking ordinary scotch? 29749% 29750Look before you leap. 29751 -- Samuel Butler 29752% 29753Look ere ye leap. 29754 -- John Heywood 29755% 29756Look out! Behind you! 29757% 29758Look, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters, 29759con-men. That's the way businesses get started. That's the way this 29760country was built. 29761 -- Hubert Allen 29762% 29763Lookie, lookie, here comes cookie... 29764 -- Stephen Sondheim 29765% 29766Loose bits sink chips. 29767% 29768Lord, defend me from my friends; I can account for my enemies. 29769 -- Charles D'Hericault 29770% 29771Lord, what fools these mortals be! 29772 -- William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer-Night's Dream" 29773% 29774Losing your drivers' license is just 29775God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!" 29776% 29777Lost: gray and white female cat. 29778Answers to electric can opener. 29779% 29780Lots of folks are forced to skimp to support a government that won't. 29781% 29782Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny. 29783 -- Frank Hubbard 29784% 29785Lots of girls can be had for a song. 29786Unfortunately, it often turns out to be the wedding march. 29787% 29788Louie Louie, me gotta go 29789Louie Louie, me gotta go 29790 29791Fine little girl she waits for me 29792Me catch the ship for cross the sea 29793Me sail the ship all alone Three nights and days me sail the sea 29794Me never thinks me make it home Me think of girl constantly 29795(chorus) On the ship I dream she there 29796 I smell the rose in her hair 29797Me see Jamaica moon above (chorus, guitar solo) 29798It won't be long, me see my love 29799I take her in my arms and then 29800Me tell her I never leave again 29801 -- The real words to The Kingsmen's classic "Louie Louie" 29802% 29803Louie, Louie, me gotta go 29804Louie, Louie, me gotta go 29805 29806Fine little girl she waits for me 29807Me catch the ship for cross the sea 29808Me sail the ship all alone 29809Me never thinks me make it home 29810 [chorus] 29811 29812Three nights and days me sail the sea 29813Me think of girl constantly 29814On the ship I dream she there 29815I smell the rose in her hair 29816 [chorus; guitar solo] 29817 29818Me see Jamaica moon above 29819It won't be long, me see my love 29820I take her in my arms and then 29821Me tell her I never leave again 29822 -- the real words to "Louie Louie" 29823% 29824LOVE: 29825 I'll let you play with my life if you'll let me play with yours. 29826% 29827LOVE: 29828 Love ties in a knot in the end of the rope. 29829% 29830LOVE: 29831 When, if asked to choose between your lover 29832 and happiness, you'd skip happiness in a heartbeat. 29833% 29834LOVE: 29835 When it's growing, you don't mind watering it with a few tears. 29836% 29837LOVE: 29838 When you don't want someone too close-- 29839 because you're very sensitive to pleasure. 29840% 29841LOVE: 29842 When you like to think of someone on days that begin with a morning. 29843% 29844Love -- the last of the serious diseases of childhood. 29845% 29846Love ain't nothin' but sex misspelled. 29847% 29848Love America - or give it back. 29849% 29850Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea. 29851% 29852Love at first sight is one of the greatest 29853labor-saving devices the world has ever seen. 29854% 29855Love conquers all things; let us too surrender to love. 29856 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) 29857% 29858Love in your heart wasn't put there to stay. 29859Love isn't love 'til you give it away. 29860 -- Oscar Hammerstein II 29861% 29862Love is a grave mental disease. 29863 -- Plato 29864% 29865Love is a slippery eel that bites like hell. 29866 -- Matt Groening 29867% 29868Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra, which suddenly flips 29869over, pinning you underneath. At night the ice weasels come. 29870 -- Matt Groening, "Love is Hell" 29871% 29872Love is a word that is constantly heard, 29873Hate is a word that is not. 29874Love, I am told, is more precious than gold. 29875Love, I have read, is hot. 29876But hate is the verb that to me is superb, 29877And Love but a drug on the mart. 29878Any kiddie in school can love like a fool, 29879But Hating, my boy, is an Art. 29880 -- Ogden Nash 29881% 29882Love is always open arms. With arms open you allow love to come and 29883go as it wills, freely, for it will do so anyway. If you close your 29884arms about love you'll find you are left only holding yourself. 29885% 29886Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the 29887real with the ideal never goes unpunished. 29888 -- Goethe 29889% 29890Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage. 29891 -- Dr. Karl Bowman 29892% 29893Love is being stupid together. 29894 -- Paul Valery 29895% 29896Love is dope, not chicken soup. I mean, love is something to be passed 29897around freely, not spooned down someone's throat for their own good by a 29898Jewish mother who cooked it all by herself. 29899% 29900Love is in the offing. 29901 -- The Homicidal Maniac 29902% 29903Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores you. 29904% 29905Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very 29906pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love 29907grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning 29908and unquenchable. 29909 -- Bruce Lee 29910% 29911Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it. 29912 -- Jerome K. Jerome 29913% 29914Love is never asking why? 29915% 29916Love is not enough, but it sure helps. 29917% 29918Love is sentimental measles. 29919% 29920Love is staying up all night with a sick child, or a healthy adult. 29921% 29922Love is the answer; but while you are waiting for the answer, sex 29923raises some pretty good questions. 29924 -- Woody Allen 29925% 29926Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. 29927 -- H.L. Mencken 29928% 29929Love is the desire to prostitute oneself. There is, indeed, no exalted 29930pleasure that cannot be related to prostitution. 29931 -- Charles Baudelaire 29932% 29933Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness. 29934 -- M. Hirschfield 29935% 29936Love is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself. 29937 -- Saint Exupery 29938% 29939Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. 29940 -- H.L. Mencken 29941% 29942Love IS what it's cracked up to be. 29943% 29944Love is what you've been through with somebody. 29945 -- James Thurber 29946% 29947Love isn't only blind, it's also deaf, dumb, and stupid. 29948% 29949Love makes fools, marriage cuckolds, and patriotism malevolent imbeciles. 29950 -- Paul Leautaud, "Passe-temps" 29951% 29952Love makes the world go 'round, with a little help from intrinsic angular 29953momentum. 29954% 29955Love may laugh at locksmiths, but he has a profound respect for money bags. 29956 -- Sidney Paternoster, "The Folly of the Wise" 29957% 29958Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes. 29959% 29960Love means never having to say you're sorry. 29961 -- Eric Segal, "Love Story" 29962 29963That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. 29964 -- Ryan O'Neill, "What's Up Doc?" 29965% 29966Love means nothing to a tennis player. 29967% 29968Love tells us many things that are not so. 29969 -- Krainian Proverb 29970% 29971Love the sea? I dote upon it -- from the beach. 29972% 29973Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood. 29974 -- Louise Beal 29975% 29976Love thy neighbor, tune thy piano. 29977% 29978Love to eat them mousies, 29979Mousies I love to eat. 29980Bite they little heads off, 29981Nibble at they tiny feet. 29982 -- Kliban 29983% 29984Love to eat them mousies, 29985Mousies what I love to eat. 29986Bite they little heads off, 29987Nibble on they tiny feet. 29988 -- Kliban 29989% 29990Love to eat them mousies; 29991Mousies what I love to eat. 29992Bite they tiny heads off, 29993Nibble on they tiny feet! 29994 -- Kilban 29995% 29996Love, which is quickly kindled in a gentle heart, 29997 seized this one for the fair form 29998 that was taken from me-and the way of it afficts me still. 29999Love, which absolves no loved one from loving, 30000 seized me so strongly with delight in him, 30001 that, as you see, it does not leave me even now. 30002Love brought us to one death. 30003 -- La Divina Commedia: Inferno V, vv. 100-06 30004% 30005Love your enemies: they'll go crazy 30006trying to figure out what you're up to. 30007% 30008Love your neighbour, yet don't pull down your hedge. 30009 -- Benjamin Franklin 30010% 30011Lowery's Law: 30012 If it jams -- force it. If it 30013 breaks, it needed replacing anyway. 30014% 30015LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand. 30016% 30017Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: 30018 There's always one more bug. 30019% 30020Lucas is the source of many of the components of the legendarily reliable 30021British automotive electrical systems. Professionals call the company "The 30022Prince of Darkness". Of course, if Lucas were to design and manufacture 30023nuclear weapons, World War III would never get off the ground. The British 30024don't like warm beer any more than the Americans do. The British drink warm 30025beer because they have Lucas refrigerators. 30026% 30027Luck can't last a lifetime, unless you die young. 30028 -- Russell Banks 30029% 30030Luck, that's when preparation and opportunity meet. 30031 -- P.E. Trudeau 30032% 30033Lucky, adj: 30034 When you have a wife and a cigarette 30035 lighter -- both of which work. 30036% 30037Lucky is he for whom the belle toils. 30038% 30039Lucy: Dance, dance, dance. That is all you ever do. 30040 Can't you be serious for once? 30041Snoopy: She is right! I think I had better think 30042 of the more important things in life! 30043 (pause) 30044 Tomorrow!! 30045% 30046Luke, I'm yer father, eh. Come over to the dark side, you hoser. 30047 -- Dave Thomas, "Strange Brew" 30048% 30049LUNATIC ASYLUM: 30050 The place where optimism most flourishes. 30051% 30052Lying is an indispensable part of making life tolerable. 30053 -- Bergan Evans 30054% 30055Lysistrata had a good idea. 30056% 30057Ma Bell is a mean mother! 30058% 30059MAC user's dynamic debugging list evaluator? Never heard of that. 30060% 30061"Mach was the greatest intellectual fraud in the last ten years." 30062"What about X?" 30063"I said `intellectual'." 30064 ;login, 9/1990 30065% 30066Machine-independent program: 30067 A program that will not run on any machine. 30068% 30069Machines have less problems. I'd like to be a machine. 30070 -- Andy Warhol 30071% 30072Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the 30073repairman arrives. 30074% 30075macho, adj.: 30076 Jogging home from your vasectomy. 30077% 30078Macho does not prove mucho. 30079 -- Zsa Zsa Gabor 30080% 30081MAD: 30082 Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence. 30083% 30084Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- 30085if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender. 30086 -- W.C. Fields 30087% 30088Madison's Inquiry: 30089 If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class? 30090% 30091Madness takes its toll. 30092% 30093Magary's Principle: 30094 When there is a public outcry to cut deadwood and fat from any 30095 government bureaucracy, it is the deadwood and the fat that do 30096 the cutting, and the public's services are cut. 30097% 30098Magic is always the best solution -- especially reliable magic. 30099% 30100Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism. 30101 30102Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet. 30103 30104The two preceding definitions are condensed from the works of one 30105thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject with a 30106great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human knowledge. 30107% 30108MAGNOCARTIC: 30109 Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping carts. 30110 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 30111% 30112magnocartic, adj: 30113 Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping 30114 carts. 30115 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 30116% 30117MAGPIE: 30118 A bird whose thievish disposition suggested 30119 to someone that it might be taught to talk. 30120 -- A. Bierce 30121% 30122MAIDEN AUNT: 30123 A girl who never had the sense to say "uncle." 30124% 30125Maiden, n: 30126 A young person of the unfair sex addicted to clewless conduct and 30127 views that madden to crime. The genus has a wide geographical 30128 distribution, being found wherever sought and deplored wherever found. 30129 The maiden is not altogether unpleasing to the eye, nor (without her 30130 piano and her views) insupportable to the ear, though in respect to 30131 comeliness distinctly inferior to the rainbow, and, with regard to 30132 the part of her that is audible, beaten out of the field by the 30133 canary -- which, also, is more portable. 30134 30135Male, n: 30136 A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male of the 30137 human race is commonly known to the female as Mere Man. The genus 30138 has two varieties: good providers and bad providers. 30139 -- Ambrose Bierce 30140% 30141Maier's Law: 30142 If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of. 30143 -- N.R. Maier, "American Psychologist", March 1960 30144 30145Corollaries: 30146 1. The bigger the theory, the better. 30147 2. The experiment may be considered a success if no more than 30148 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to 30149 obtain a correspondence with the theory. 30150% 30151Main's Law: 30152 For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. 30153% 30154Maintainer's Motto: 30155 If we can't fix it, it ain't broke. 30156% 30157Maj. Bloodnok: Seagoon, you're a coward! 30158Seagoon: Only in the holiday season. 30159Maj. Bloodnok: Ah, another Noel Coward! 30160% 30161Major premise: 30162 Sixty men can do sixty times as much work as one man. 30163Minor premise: 30164 A man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds. 30165Conclusion: 30166 Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second. 30167 30168Secondary Conclusion: 30169 Do you realize how many holes there would be if people 30170 would just take the time to take the dirt out of them? 30171% 30172Majorities, of course, start with minorities. 30173 -- Robert Moses 30174% 30175MAJORITY: 30176 That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law. 30177% 30178Make a wish, it might come true. 30179% 30180Make headway at work. Continue to let things deteriorate at home. 30181% 30182Make it right before you make it faster. 30183% 30184Make no little plans; they have no magic to stir men's blood. 30185 -- Daniel Hudson Burnham 30186% 30187Make sure your code does nothing gracefully. 30188% 30189Make war not sex. (It's safer.) 30190% 30191Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users 30192tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It has 30193been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is the 30194message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files. 30195 -- System V.2 administrator's guide 30196% 30197Malek's Law: 30198 Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way. 30199% 30200MALPRACTICE: 30201 The reason surgeons wear masks. 30202% 30203MAN: 30204 An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he 30205 is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief 30206 occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, 30207 which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest 30208 the whole habitable earth and Canada. 30209 -- A. Bierce 30210% 30211Man and wife make one fool. 30212% 30213Man belongs wherever he wants to go. 30214 -- Wernher von Braun 30215% 30216Man has always assumed that he is more intelligent than dolphins because 30217he has achieved so much -- the wheel, New York, wars and so on -- while 30218all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good 30219time. But, conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were 30220far more intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons. 30221 -- D. Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 30222% 30223Man has made his bedlam; let him lie in it. 30224 -- Fred Allen 30225% 30226Man has never reconciled himself to the ten commandments. 30227% 30228Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. 30229 -- Lily Tomlin 30230% 30231Man is a military animal, 30232Glories in gunpowder, and loves parade. 30233 -- P.J. Bailey 30234% 30235Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he 30236is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason. 30237 -- Oscar Wilde 30238% 30239Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this-- 30240no dog exchanges bones with another. 30241 -- Adam Smith 30242% 30243Man is by nature a political animal. 30244 -- Aristotle 30245% 30246Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... 30247and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor. 30248 -- Wernher von Braun 30249% 30250Man is the measure of all things. 30251 -- Protagoras 30252% 30253Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to. 30254 -- Mark Twain 30255% 30256Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms 30257with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them. 30258 -- Samuel Butler, 1835-1902 30259% 30260Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps; 30261for he is the only animal that is struck with the 30262difference between what things are and what they ought to be. 30263 -- William Hazlitt 30264% 30265Man must shape his tools lest they shape him. 30266 -- Arthur R. Miller 30267% 30268Man proposes, God disposes. 30269 -- Thomas a Kempis 30270% 30271Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- 30272unless it is an enemy. 30273 -- A. Einstein 30274% 30275Man who arrives at party two hours late 30276will find he has been beaten to the punch. 30277% 30278Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought. 30279% 30280Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self. 30281% 30282Man who sleep in beer keg wake up stickey. 30283% 30284Man will never fly. 30285Space travel is merely a dream. 30286All aspirin is alike. 30287% 30288Management: How many feet do mice have? 30289Reply: Mice have four feet. 30290M: Elaborate! 30291R: Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet. 30292M: No discussion of fifth appendage! 30293R: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet; one is a tail. 30294M: What? Feet with no legs? 30295R: Mice have four legs, four feet, and one tail per unit-mouse. 30296M: Confusing -- is that a total of 9 appendages? 30297R: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per body. 30298M: Does not fully discuss the issue! 30299R: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg 30300 is equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail 30301 is not equipped with a foot. 30302M: Descriptive? Yes. Forceful NO! 30303R: Allotment of appendages for mice will be: Four foot-leg assemblies, 30304 one tail. Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would 30305 constitute misapportionment of scarce appendage assets. 30306M: Too authoritarian; stifles creativity! 30307R: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined 30308 integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system. Also 30309 attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and 30310 ornamental in nature. 30311M: Too verbose/scientific. Answer the question! 30312R: Mice have four feet. 30313% 30314MANAGEMENT: 30315 The art of getting other people to do all the work. 30316% 30317MANAGER: 30318 A man known for giving great meeting. 30319% 30320man-hour, n: 30321 A sexist, obsolete measure of macho effort, equal to 60 Kiplings. 30322% 30323MANIC-DEPRESSIVE: 30324 Easy glum, easy glow. 30325% 30326Mankind is poised midway between the gods and the beasts. 30327 -- Plotinus 30328% 30329Manly's Maxim: 30330 Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion 30331 with confidence. 30332% 30333Man's horizons are bounded by his vision. 30334% 30335Man's reach must exceed his grasp, for why else the heavens? 30336% 30337Man's unique agony as a species consists in his perpetual 30338conflict between the desire to stand out and the need to blend in. 30339 -- Sydney J. Harris 30340% 30341manual, n: 30342 A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a given 30343 item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The information 30344 you need in in the others. 30345 -- Ray Simard 30346% 30347Many a bum show has been saved by the flag. 30348 -- George M. Cohan 30349% 30350Many a family tree needs trimming. 30351% 30352Many a long dispute between divines may thus be abridged: It is so. It 30353is not so. It is so. It is not so. 30354 -- Benjamin Franklin, "Poor Richard's Almanack" 30355% 30356Many a man that can't direct you to a corner drugstore will 30357get a respectful hearing when age has further impaired his mind. 30358 -- Finley Peter Dunne 30359% 30360Many a town that didn't have enough work to support a single lawyer 30361can easily support two or more. 30362% 30363Many a writer seems to thing he is never profound 30364except when he can't understand his own meaning. 30365 -- George D. Prentice 30366% 30367Many are called, few are chosen. 30368Fewer still get to do the choosing. 30369% 30370Many are called, few volunteer. 30371% 30372Many are cold, but few are frozen. 30373% 30374Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long. 30375% 30376Many companies that have made themselves dependent on [the equipment of a 30377certain major manufacturer] (and in doing so have sold their soul to the 30378devil) will collapse under the sheer weight of the unmastered complexity of 30379their data processing systems. 30380 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 30381% 30382Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher. The butcher is 30383weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and 30384weeks. He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists, 30385but he sings about his gingivectomist, he dreams about a single cosmologist, 30386he thinks about his dog. The dog is named Herbert. 30387 -- Racter, "The Policeman's Beard is Half-Constructed" 30388% 30389Many hands make light work. 30390 -- John Heywood 30391% 30392Many husbands go broke on the money their wives save on sales. 30393% 30394Many mental processes admit of being roughly measured. For instance, 30395the degree to which people are bored, by counting the number of their 30396fidgets. I not infrequently tried this method at the meetings of the 30397Royal Geographical Society, for even there dull memoirs are occasionally 30398read. [...] The use of a watch attracts attention, so I reckon time 30399by the number of my breathings, of which there are 15 in a minute. They 30400are not counted mentally, but are punctuated by pressing with 15 fingers 30401successively. The counting is reserved for the fidgets. These observations 30402should be confined to persons of middle age. Children are rarely still, 30403while elderly philosophers will sometimes remain rigid for minutes altogether. 30404 -- Francis Galton, 1909 30405% 30406Many of the characters are fools and they are always playing 30407tricks on me and treating me badly. 30408 -- Jorge Luis Borges, from "Writers on Writing" by Jon Winokur 30409% 30410Many of the convicted thieves Parker has met began their 30411life of crime after taking college Computer Science courses. 30412 -- Roger Rapoport, "Programs for Plunder", Omni, March 1981 30413% 30414Many pages make a thick book. 30415% 30416Many pages make a thick book, except for pocket Bibles which are on very 30417very thin paper. 30418% 30419Many people are desperately looking for some wise advice 30420which will recommend that they do what they want to do. 30421% 30422Many people are secretly interested in life. 30423% 30424Many people are unenthusiastic about their work. 30425% 30426Many people are unenthusiastic about your work. 30427% 30428Many people feel that if you won't let 30429them make you happy, they'll make you suffer. 30430% 30431Many people feel that they deserve some kind of 30432recognition for all the bad things they haven't done. 30433% 30434Many people resent being treated like the person they really are. 30435% 30436Many people write memos to tell you they have nothing to say. 30437% 30438Many receive advice, few profit by it. 30439 -- Publilius Syrus 30440% 30441Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon, 30442there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he 30443was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how 30444completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday.... 30445 -- Walt Kelly 30446% 30447Margaret, are you grieving 30448Over Goldengrove unleaving? 30449Leaves, like the things of man, 30450You, with your fresh thoughts 30451Care for, can you? 30452Ah! as the heart grows older 30453It will come to such sights colder 30454By and by, nor spare a sigh 30455Though worlds of wanwood leafmeal lie 30456And yet you will weep and know why. 30457Now no matter, child, the name 30458Sorrow's springs are the same: 30459It is the blight man was born for, 30460It is Margaret you mourn for. 30461 -- Gerard Manley Hopkins. 30462% 30463Marigold: Jealousy 30464Mint: Virute 30465Orange blossom: Your purity equals your loveliness 30466Orchid: Beauty, magnificence 30467Pansy: Thoughts 30468Peach blossom: I am your captive 30469Petunia: Your presence soothes me 30470Poppy: Sleep 30471Rose, any color: Love 30472Rose, deep red: Bashful shame 30473Rose, single, pink: Simplicity 30474Rose, thornless, any: Early attachment 30475Rose, white: I am worthy of you 30476Rose, yellow: Decrease of love, rise of jealousy 30477Rosebud, white: Girlhood, and a heart ignorant of love 30478Rosemary: Rememberance 30479Sunflower: Haughtiness 30480Tulip, red: Declaration of love 30481Tulip, yellow: Hopeless love 30482Violet, blue: Faithfulness 30483Violet, white: Modesty 30484Zinnia: Thoughts of absent friends 30485 * An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning. 30486% 30487Marijuana is nature's way of saying, "Hi!". 30488% 30489Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students 30490who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize 30491it in order to protect themselves. 30492 -- Lenny Bruce 30493% 30494Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery: 30495 Dentists are incapable of asking questions 30496 that require a simple yes or no answer. 30497% 30498MARRIAGE: 30499 An old, established institution, entered into by two people deeply 30500 in love and desiring to make a commitment to each other expressing 30501 that love. In short, commitment to an institution. 30502% 30503MARRIAGE: 30504 Convertible bonds. 30505% 30506Marriage always demands the greatest understanding of the art of 30507insincerity possible between two human beings. 30508 -- Vicki Baum 30509% 30510Marriage causes dating problems. 30511% 30512Marriage, in life, is like a duel in the midst of a battle. 30513 -- Edmond About 30514% 30515Marriage is a ghastly public confession of a strictly private intention. 30516% 30517Marriage is a great institution -- but I'm 30518not ready for an institution yet. 30519 -- Mae West 30520% 30521Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you'd be 30522surprised at the large number that re-enlist. 30523 -- James Garner 30524% 30525Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter. 30526% 30527Marriage is a three ring circus: 30528engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. 30529 -- Roger Price 30530% 30531Marriage is an institution in which two undertake 30532to become one, and one undertakes to become nothing. 30533% 30534Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a brand of beer 30535exactly to his taste he should at once throw up his job and go to work 30536in the brewery. 30537 -- George Jean Nathan 30538% 30539Marriage is learning about women the hard way. 30540% 30541Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning handsprings, or eating with 30542chopsticks. It looks easy until you try it. 30543% 30544Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it. 30545 -- Baskins 30546% 30547Marriage is not merely sharing the fettuccine, but sharing the 30548burden of finding the fettuccine restaurant in the first place. 30549 -- Calvin Trillin 30550% 30551Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. 30552 -- Voltaire 30553% 30554Marriage is the process of finding out what 30555kind of man your wife would have preferred. 30556% 30557Marriage is the waste-paper basket of the emotions. 30558% 30559Marriage, n: 30560 The evil aye. 30561% 30562Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on earth. 30563 -- John Lyly 30564% 30565Marry in haste and everyone starts counting the months. 30566% 30567MARTA SAYS THE INTERESTING thing about fly-fishing is that its two lives 30568connected by a thin strand. 30569 30570Come on, Marta, grow up. 30571 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 30572% 30573MARTA WAS WATCHING THE FOOTBALL GAME with me when she said, "You know most 30574of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its 30575territory from invasion by another group." 30576 30577"Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny. 30578 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 30579% 30580Martin was probably ripping them off. That's some family, isn't it? 30581Incest, prostitution, fanaticism, software. 30582 -- Charles Willeford, "Miami Blues" 30583% 30584'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability. 30585 -- George Bernard Shaw 30586% 30587Marvelous! The super-user's going to boot me! 30588What a finely tuned response to the situation! 30589% 30590Marvin the Nature Lover spied a grasshopper hopping along in the grass, 30591and in a mood for communing with nature, rare even among full-fledged 30592Nature Lovers, he spoke to the grasshopper, saying: "Hello, friend 30593grasshopper. Did you know they've named a drink after you?" 30594 "Really?" replied the grasshopper, obviously pleased. "They've 30595named a drink Fred?" 30596% 30597Marxist Law of Distribution of Wealth: 30598 Shortages will be divided equally among the peasants. 30599% 30600Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow, 30601And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go. 30602It followed her through rain or snow, lightning, sleet or hail. 30603It fetched the evening paper, her slippers, and the mail. 30604She never had a moments peace; the lamb was always on her heels, 30605And on her feet its head would rest, while she ate her meals. 30606It followed her to school one day, the devotion never ended. 30607The lamb waltzed into her history class and Mary got suspended. 30608The night she went to Senior Prom, she thought she had him beat, 30609Until she heard a mournful "Baaa" coming from her car's seat. 30610Oh, Mary had a little lamb, it surely didn't please her. 30611So for dinner she had lambchops; the rest is in the freezer. 30612 -- Alma Garcia 30613% 30614Maryann's Law: 30615 You can always find what you're not looking for. 30616% 30617Maslow's Maxim: 30618 If the only tool you have is a hammer, 30619 you treat everything like a nail. 30620% 30621Mason's First Law of Synergism: 30622The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut. 30623% 30624Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy. 30625% 30626Masturbation is the thinking man's television. 30627 -- Christopher Hampton 30628% 30629Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it! 30630 -- Monty Python 30631% 30632Mater artium necessitas. 30633 [Necessity is the mother of invention]. 30634% 30635Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant. 30636 -- Malcolm Smith 30637% 30638MATH AND ALCOHOL DON'T MIX! 30639 Please, don't drink and derive. 30640 30641 Mathematicians 30642 Against 30643 Drunk 30644 Deriving 30645% 30646Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated. 30647 -- R. Drabek 30648% 30649mathematician, n: 30650 Some one who believes imaginary things appear right before your i's. 30651% 30652Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they 30653translate into their own language and forthwith it is something 30654entirely different. 30655 -- Goethe 30656% 30657Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate 30658into their own language, and forthwith it is something entirely different. 30659 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 30660% 30661Mathematicians practice absolute freedom. 30662 -- Henry Adams 30663% 30664Mathematicians take it to the limit. 30665% 30666Mathematics deals exclusively with the relations of concepts 30667to each other without consideration of their relation to experience. 30668 -- Albert Einstein 30669% 30670Mathematics is the only science where one never knows what 30671one is talking about nor whether what is said is true. 30672 -- Russell 30673% 30674Mathematics, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth but supreme beauty -- 30675a beauty cold and austere, like that of a sculpture, without appeal to any 30676part of our weaker nature, without the gorgeous trapping of painting or music, 30677yet sublimely pure, and capable of a stern perfection such as only the 30678greatest art can show. The true spirit of delight, the exaltation, the sense 30679of being more than man, which is the touchstone of the highest excellence, is 30680to be found in mathematics as surely as in poetry. 30681 -- Bertrand Russell 30682% 30683Matrimony is the root of all evil. 30684% 30685Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence. 30686% 30687Matter cannot be created or destroyed, 30688nor can it be returned without a receipt. 30689% 30690Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value. 30691% 30692[Maturity consists in the discovery that] there comes a critical moment 30693where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand 30694more and more that there is something which cannot be understood. 30695 -- S. Kierkegaard 30696% 30697Maturity is only a short break in adolescence. 30698 -- Jules Feiffer 30699% 30700Matz's Law: 30701 A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 30702% 30703May a hundred thousand midgets invade your home singing cheezy lounge-lizard 30704versions of songs from The Wizard of Oz. 30705% 30706May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts 30707% 30708May all your PUSHes be POPped. 30709% 30710May the bluebird of happiness twiddle your bits. 30711% 30712May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones. 30713% 30714May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits. 30715% 30716May those that love us love us; and those that don't love us, may 30717God turn their hearts; and if he doesn't turn their hearts, may 30718he turn their ankles so we'll know them by their limping. 30719% 30720May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse. 30721% 30722May you have many beautiful and obedient daughters. 30723% 30724May you have many handsome and obedient sons. 30725% 30726May you have warm words on a cold evening, 30727a full moon on a dark night, 30728and a smooth road all the way to your door. 30729% 30730May you live in uninteresting times. 30731 -- Chinese proverb 30732% 30733May your camel be as swift as the wind. 30734% 30735May your SO always know when you need a hug. 30736% 30737May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your 30738Mouth with the Force of a Thousand Caramels. 30739% 30740Maybe ain't ain't so correct, but I notice that 30741lots of folks who ain't using ain't ain't eatin' well. 30742 -- Will Rogers 30743% 30744Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology. 30745 -- R.S. Barton 30746% 30747Maybe Jesus was right when he said that the meek shall inherit the 30748earth -- but they inherit very small plots, about six feet by three. 30749 -- Lazarus Long 30750% 30751"Maybe we can get together and show off to each other sometimes." 30752% 30753"Maybe we should think of this as one perfect week... where we found each 30754other, and loved each other... and then let each other go before anyone 30755had to seek professional help." 30756% 30757Maybe you can't buy happiness, but 30758these days you can certainly charge it. 30759% 30760May's Law: 30761 The quality of correlation is inveresly proportional to the density 30762 of control. (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.) 30763% 30764McDonald's -- Because you're worth it. 30765% 30766McEwan's Rule of Relative Importance: 30767 When traveling with a herd of elephants, 30768 don't be the first to lie down and rest. 30769% 30770Meader's Law: 30771 Whatever happens to you, it will previously 30772 have happened to everyone you know, only more so. 30773% 30774Meade's Maxim: 30775Always remember that you are absolutely unique, 30776just like everyone else. 30777% 30778Meanehwael, baccat meaddehaele, monstaer lurccen; 30779Fulle few too many drincce, hie luccen for fyht. 30780[D]en Hreorfneorht[d]hwr, son of Hrwaerow[p]heororthwl, 30781AEsccen aewful jeork to steop outsyd. 30782[P]hud! Bashe! Crasch! Beoom! [D]e bigge gye 30783Eallum his bon brak, byt his nose offe; 30784Wicced Godsylla waeld on his asse. 30785Monstaer moppe fleor wy[p] eallum men in haelle. 30786Beowulf in bacceroome fonecall bemaccen waes; 30787Hearen sond of ruccus saed, "Hwaet [d]e helle?" 30788Graben sheold strang ond swich-blaed scharp 30789Sond feorth to fyht [d]e grimlic foe. 30790"Me," Godsylla saed, "mac [d]e minsemete." 30791Heoro cwyc geten heold wi[p] faemed half-nelson 30792Ond flyng him lic frisbe bac to fen. 30793Beowulf belly up to meaddehaele bar, 30794Saed, "Ne foe beaten mie faersom cung-fu." 30795Eorderen cocca-colha yce-coeld, [d]e reol [p]yng. 30796% 30797Meantime, in the slums below Ronnie's Ranch, Cynthia feels as if some one 30798has made voodoo boxen of her and her favorite backplanes. On this fine 30799moonlit night, some horrible persona has been jabbing away at, dragging 30800magnets over, and surging these voodoo boxen. Fortunately, they seem to 30801have gotten a bit bored and fallen asleep, for it looks like Cynthia may 30802get to go home. However, she has made note to quickly put together a totem 30803of sweaty, sordid static straps, random bits of wire, flecks of once meaniful 30804oxide, bus grant cards, gummy worms, and some bits of old pdp backplane to 30805hang above the machine room. This totem must be blessed by the old and wise 30806venerable god of unibus at once, before the idolatization of vme, q and pc 30807bus drive him to bitter revenge. Alas, if this fails, and the voodoo boxen 30808aren't destroyed, there may be more than worms in the apple. Next, the 30809arrival of voodoo optico transmitigational magneto killer paramecium, capable 30810of teleporting from cable to cable, screen to screen, ear to ear and hoof 30811to mouth... 30812% 30813Measure twice, cut once. 30814% 30815Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe. 30816% 30817Mediocrity finds safety in standardization. 30818 -- Frederick Crane 30819% 30820Meekness is uncommon patience in planning a worthwhile revenge. 30821% 30822Meester, do you vant to buy a duck? 30823% 30824Meeting: 30825 An assembly of computer experts coming together to decide what 30826 person or department not represented in the room must solve the 30827 problem. 30828% 30829meeting, n: 30830 An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or 30831 department not represented in the room must solve a problem. 30832% 30833MEETINGS: 30834 A place where minutes are kept and hours are lost. 30835% 30836Meetings are an addictive, highly self indulgent activity that 30837corporations and other large organizations habitually engage 30838in only because they cannot actually masturbate. 30839 -- Dave Barry 30840% 30841MEMO: 30842 An interoffice communication too often written more for 30843 the benefit of the person who sends it than the person 30844 who receives it. 30845% 30846MEMORIES OF MY FAMILY MEETINGS still are a source of strength to me. I 30847remember we'd all get into the car -- I forget what kind it was -- and 30848drive and drive. 30849 30850I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some bees there. The 30851smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we 30852played. I remember a bigger, older guy whom we called "Dad." We'd eat 30853some stuff or not and then I think we went home. 30854 30855I guess some things never leave you. 30856 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 30857% 30858Memory fault -- brain fried 30859% 30860Memory fault -- core...uh...um...core... Oh dammit, I forget! 30861% 30862Memory fault - where am I? 30863% 30864Memory should be the starting point of the present. 30865% 30866Men are always ready to respect anything that bores them. 30867 -- Marilyn Monroe 30868% 30869Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional ice 30870hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you should 30871never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the clothes they 30872will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For example, your average 30873man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only three of them. He has learned, 30874through humiliating trial and error, that if he wears any of the other 81 30875ties, his wife will probably laugh at him ("You're not going to wear THAT 30876tie with that suit, are you?"). So he has narrowed it down to three safe 30877ties, and has gone several years without being laughed at. If you give him 30878a new tie, he will pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you. 30879 If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More 30880than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set 30881of tires. 30882 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 30883% 30884Men are superior to women. 30885 -- The Koran 30886% 30887Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands. 30888 -- Jayne Mansfield 30889% 30890Men aren't attracted to me by my mind. 30891They're attracted by what I don't mind... 30892 -- Gypsy Rose Lee 30893% 30894Men freely believe that what they wish to desire. 30895 -- Julius Caesar 30896% 30897Men have a much better time of it than women; for one 30898thing they marry later; for another thing they die earlier. 30899 -- H.L. Mencken 30900% 30901Men have as exaggerated an idea of their 30902rights as women have of their wrongs. 30903 -- E.W. Howe 30904% 30905Men live for three things, fast cars, fast women and fast food. 30906% 30907Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science. 30908% 30909Men never make passes at girls wearing glasses. 30910 -- Dorothy Parker 30911% 30912Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them 30913pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. 30914 -- Winston Churchill 30915% 30916Men of lofty genius when they are doing the least work are most active. 30917 -- Leonardo da Vinci 30918% 30919Men of quality are not afraid of women for equality. 30920% 30921Men often believe -- or pretend -- that the "Law" is something sacred, or 30922at least a science -- an unfounded assumption very convenient to governments. 30923% 30924Men ought to know that from the brain and from the brain only arise our 30925pleasures, joys, laughter, and jests as well as our sorrows, pains, griefs 30926and tears. ... It is the same thing which makes us mad or delirious, 30927inspires us with dread and fear, whether by night or by day, brings us 30928sleeplessness, inopportune mistakes, aimless anxieties, absent-mindedness 30929and acts that are contrary to habit... 30930 -- Hippocrates "The Sacred Disease" 30931% 30932Men say of women what pleases them; women do with men what pleases them. 30933 -- DeSegur 30934% 30935Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples. 30936% 30937Men still remember the first kiss after women have forgotten the last. 30938% 30939Men take only their needs into consideration -- never their abilities. 30940 -- Napoleon Bonaparte 30941% 30942Men use thought only to justify their wrong doings, 30943and speech only to conceal their thoughts. 30944 -- Voltaire 30945% 30946Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures 30947from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha Centauri. 30948Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man had split 30949before. Thus was the Empire forged. 30950 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 30951% 30952Men who cherish for women the highest 30953respect are seldom popular with them. 30954 -- Joseph Addison 30955% 30956Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American: 30957 All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards. 30958 30959Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American: 30960 The quality of a champagne is judged by the 30961 amount of noise the cork makes when it is popped. 30962 30963Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American: 30964 The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife. 30965 30966Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American: 30967 Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that 30968 is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city 30969 can ever hope to acquire it. 30970% 30971Mene, mene, tekel, upharsen. 30972% 30973Mental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended to 30974corrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed violence entirely in 30975favor of smart solutions to stupid problems. 30976 -- Piers Anthony 30977% 30978Mental things which have not gone in through the 30979senses are vain and bring forth no truth except detrimental. 30980 -- Leonardo 30981% 30982MENU: 30983 A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of. 30984% 30985Meskimen's Law: 30986 There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to 30987 do it over. 30988% 30989Message from Our Sponsor on ttyTV at 13:58 ... 30990% 30991Message will arrive in the mail. 30992Destroy, before the FBI sees it. 30993% 30994METEOROLOGIST: 30995 One who doubts the established fact that it is 30996 bound to rain if you forget your umbrella. 30997% 30998Metermaids eat their young. 30999% 31000Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch. 31001% 31002MICRO: 31003 Thinker toys. 31004% 31005Micro Credo: 31006 Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift. 31007% 31008Microbiology Lab: Staph Only! 31009% 31010Microwaves frizz your heir. 31011% 31012Mieux vaut tard que jamais! 31013% 31014Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to 31015get you out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles. 31016 -- Casablanca 31017% 31018Miksch's Law: 31019 If a string has one end, then it has another end. 31020% 31021Militant agnostic: I don't know, and you don't either. 31022% 31023Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. 31024 -- Groucho Marx 31025% 31026Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. 31027 -- Groucho Marx 31028% 31029Miller's Slogan: 31030 Lose a few, lose a few. 31031% 31032millihelen, adj: 31033 The amount of beauty required to launch one ship. 31034% 31035Millions long for immortality who do not know what 31036to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. 31037 -- Susan Ertz 31038% 31039Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that politics is 31040almost always the choice of the lesser evil. "Tweedledum and Tweedledee," 31041they say. "I will not vote." Having abstained, they are presented with a 31042President who appoints the people who are going to rummage around in their 31043lives for the next four years. Consider all the people who sat home in a 31044stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert Humphrey. They showed Humphrey. 31045Those people who taught Hubert Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the 31046Nixon Supreme Court when Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among 31047the gold and the black. 31048 -- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery" 31049% 31050Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is 31051particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, myself, 31052to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade. 31053But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands 31054shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You will therefore permit 31055me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as dead as a door-nail. 31056% 31057"Mind if I smoke?" 31058 "I don't care if you burst into flames and die!" 31059% 31060"Mind if I smoke?" 31061 "Yes, I'd like to see that, does it come out of your ears or what?" 31062% 31063Mind your own business, Spock. 31064I'm sick of your halfbreed interference. 31065% 31066Mind your own business, then you don't mind mine. 31067% 31068Minicomputer: 31069 A computer that can be afforded on the budget of a middle-level 31070 manager. 31071% 31072Minnesota -- 31073 home of the blonde hair and blue ears. 31074 mosquito supplier to the free world. 31075 come fall in love with a loon. 31076 where visitors turn blue with envy. 31077 one day it's warm, the rest of the year it's cold. 31078 land of many cultures -- mostly throat. 31079 where the elite meet sleet. 31080 glove it or leave it. 31081 many are cold, but few are frozen. 31082 land of the ski and home of the crazed. 31083 land of 10,000 Petersons. 31084% 31085Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner. 31086% 31087MIPS: 31088 Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed 31089% 31090Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images. 31091 -- Jean Cocteau 31092% 31093Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate. 31094% 31095Misery no longer loves company. 31096Nowadays it insists on it. 31097 -- Russell Baker 31098% 31099MISFORTUNE: 31100 The kind of fortune that never misses. 31101% 31102Misfortunes arrive on wings and leave on foot. 31103% 31104MISS: 31105 A title with which we brand unmarried 31106 women to indicate that they are in the market. 31107% 31108Mistakes are oft the stepping stones to utter failure. 31109% 31110Mistrust first impulses; they are always right. 31111% 31112MIT: 31113 The Georgia Tech of the North 31114% 31115Mitchell's Law of Committees: 31116 Any simple problem can be made insoluble 31117 if enough meetings are held to discuss it. 31118% 31119mittsquinter, adj: 31120 A ballplayer who looks into his glove after missing the ball, as 31121 if, somehow, the cause of the error lies there. 31122 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 31123% 31124Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans; 31125it's lovely to be silly at the right moment. 31126 -- Horace 31127% 31128mixed emotions: 31129 Watching a bus-load of lawyers plunge off a cliff. 31130 With five empty seats. 31131% 31132Mix's Law: 31133 There is nothing more permanent than a temporary building. 31134 There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax. 31135% 31136Mobius strippers never show you their back side. 31137% 31138MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed) 31139 31140 Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers 311412 cups water 2 cups sugar 311422 teaspoons cream of tartar 2 tablespoons lemon juice 31143 Grated rind of one lemon Butter or margarine 31144 Cinnamon 31145 31146Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break 31147RITZ Crackers coarsley into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar 31148and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon 31149juice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously 31150with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top 31151crust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let 31152steam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust 31153is crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices. 31154 -- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box 31155% 31156Modeling paged and segmented memories is tricky business. 31157 -- P.J. Denning 31158% 31159modem, adj: 31160 Up-to-date, new-fangled, as in "Thoroughly Modem Millie." An 31161 unfortunate byproduct of kerning. 31162% 31163Moderation in all things. 31164 -- Publius Terentius Afer [Terence] 31165% 31166Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess. 31167 -- Oscar Wilde 31168% 31169Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade 31170themselves that they have a better idea. 31171 -- John Ciardi 31172% 31173Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings. 31174% 31175Modern psychology takes completely for granted that behavior and neural 31176function are perfectly correlated, that one is completely caused by the 31177other. There is no separate soul or lifeforce to stick a finger into the 31178brain now and then and make neural cells do what they would not otherwise. 31179Actually, of course, this is a working assumption only. ... It is quite 31180conceivable that someday the assumption will have to be rejected. But it 31181is important also to see that we have not reached that day yet: the working 31182assumption is a necessary one and there is no real evidence opposed to it. 31183Our failure to solve a problem so far does not make it insoluble. One cannot 31184logically be a determinist in physics and biology, and a mystic in psychology. 31185 -- D.O. Hebb, "Organization of Behavior: A Neuropsychological 31186 Theory", 1949 31187% 31188MODESTY: 31189 Being comfortable that others will discover your greatness. 31190% 31191Modesty is a vastly overrated virtue. 31192 -- J.K. Galbraith 31193% 31194Modesty: the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending 31195 not to be aware of it. 31196 -- Oliver Herford 31197% 31198Moe: Wanna play poker tonight? 31199Joe: I can't. It's the kids' night out. 31200Moe: So? 31201Joe: I gotta stay home with the nurse. 31202% 31203Moe: What did you give your wife for Valentine's Day? 31204Joe: The usual gift -- she ate my heart out. 31205% 31206Moebius always does it on the same side. 31207% 31208Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly. An aide once asked him 31209how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just last week. 31210The great man replied that it was because this week he knew better. 31211% 31212Moishe Margolies, who weighed all of 105 pounds and stood an even five feet 31213in his socks, was taking his first airplane trip. He took a seat next to a 31214hulking bruiser of a man who happened to be the heavyweight champion of 31215the world. Little Moishe was uneasy enough before he even entered the plane, 31216but now the roar of the engines and the great height absolutely terrified him. 31217So frightened did he become that his stomach turned over and he threw up all 31218over the muscular giant siting beside him. Fortunately, at least for Moishe, 31219the man was sound asleep. But now the little man had another problem. How in 31220the world would he ever explain the situation to the burly brute when he 31221awakened? The sudden voice of the stewardess on the plane's intercom, finally 31222woke the bruiser, and Moishe, his heart in his mouth, rose to the occasion. 31223 "Feeling better now?" he asked solicitously. 31224% 31225MOLECULE: 31226 The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished from 31227 the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a 31228 closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit 31229 of matter... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and 31230 the atom in that it is an ion... 31231% 31232Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis: 31233 If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review 31234 and be implemented it wasn't worth doing. 31235% 31236MOMENTUM: 31237 What you give a person when they are going away. 31238% 31239Mommy, what happens to your files when you die? 31240% 31241Mom's Law: 31242 When they finally do have to take you to the 31243 hospital, your underwear won't be clean or new. 31244% 31245MONDAY: 31246 In Christian countries, the day after the football game. 31247 -- Ambrose Bierce 31248% 31249Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life. 31250% 31251Money and women are the most sought after and the least known of any two 31252things we have. 31253 -- The Best of Will Rogers 31254% 31255Money cannot buy love, nor even friendship. 31256% 31257Money cannot buy 31258The fuel of love 31259but is excellent kindling. 31260 31261To the man-in-the-street, who, I'm sorry to say, 31262Is a keen observer of life, 31263The word intellectual suggests right away 31264A man who's untrue to his wife. 31265 -- W.H. Auden, "Collected Shorter Poems" 31266% 31267Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you 31268awfully comfortable while you're being miserable. 31269 -- C.B. Luce 31270% 31271Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position. 31272 -- Christopher Marlowe 31273% 31274Money doesn't talk, it swears. 31275 -- Bob Dylan 31276% 31277Money is a powerful aphrodisiac. But flowers work almost as well. 31278 -- Lazarus Long 31279% 31280Money is its own reward. 31281% 31282Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots. 31283% 31284Money is the root of all wealth. 31285% 31286Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash. 31287 -- Lazarus Long 31288% 31289Money isn't everything -- but it's a long way ahead of what comes next. 31290 -- Sir Edmond Stockdale 31291% 31292Money may buy friendship but money cannot buy love. 31293% 31294Money may not buy happiness, but it sure 31295puts you in a great bargaining position. 31296% 31297Money will say more in one moment than 31298the most eloquent lover can in years. 31299% 31300Moneyliness is next to Godliness. 31301 -- Andries van Dam 31302% 31303Monogamy is the Western custom of one wife and hardly any mistresses. 31304 -- H.H. Munro 31305% 31306MONOTONY: 31307 Marriage to one woman at a time. 31308% 31309MONTANA: 31310 A grizzly bear praying for the early arrival of cable television. 31311% 31312MONTANA: 31313 Where forty-three below keeps out the riff-raff. 31314% 31315Monterey... is decidedly the pleasantest and most civilized-looking place 31316in California ... [it] is also a great place for cock-fighting, gambling 31317of all sorts, fandangos, and various kinds of amusements and knavery. 31318 -- Richard Henry Dama, "Two Years Before the Mast", 1840 31319% 31320moon, n: 31321 1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to 31322hackers. See PHASE OF THE MOON. 2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC). 31323% 31324Moore's Constant: 31325 Everybody sets out to do something, and everybody 31326 does something, but no one does what he sets out to do. 31327% 31328MOPHOBIA: 31329 Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian. 31330% 31331mophobia, n: 31332 Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian. 31333% 31334More are taken in by hope than by cunning. 31335 -- Vauvenargues 31336% 31337More people are flattered into virtue than bullied out of vice. 31338 -- R.S. Surtees 31339% 31340More people died at Chappaquidick than at 3-mile island. 31341% 31342More people have died in Ted Kennedy's car than in nuclear power plants. 31343% 31344MORE SPORTS RESULTS: 31345The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last Saturday 31346night. The match started with a long period of silence while the Freudians 31347waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the Rogerians waited for 31348the Freudians to say something they could paraphrase. The stalemate was 31349broken when the Freudians' best player took the offensive and interpreted 31350the Rogerians' silence as reflecting their anal-retentive personalities. 31351At this the Rogerians' star player said "I hear you saying you think we're 31352full of ka-ka." This started a fight and the match was called by officials. 31353% 31354More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One path 31355leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. 31356Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly. 31357 -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects" 31358% 31359Morris had been down on his luck for months, and, though not a devoutly 31360religious man, had begun to visit the local synagogue to ask God's help. 31361One week, out of desperation, he prayed, "God, I've been a good and decent 31362man all my life. Would it be so terrible if You let me win the lottery 31363just once?" 31364 The despondent fellow returned week after week. One day, Morris, 31365nearly hopeless now, prayed, "God, I've never asked You for anything before. 31366I just want to win one little lottery." 31367 "As he dejectedly rose to leave, God's voice boomed, "Morris, at 31368least meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket!" 31369% 31370Morton's Law: 31371 If rats are experimented upon, they will develop cancer. 31372% 31373Mos Eisley Spaceport; you'll not find a more 31374wretched collection of villainy and disreputable types... 31375 -- Obi-wan Kenobi, "Star Wars" 31376% 31377Mosher's Law of Software Engineering: 31378 Don't worry if it doesn't work right. 31379 If everything did, you'd be out of a job. 31380% 31381MOSQUITO: 31382 The state bird of New Jersey. 31383% 31384Most burning issues generate far more heat than light. 31385% 31386Most folks they like the daytime, 31387 'cause they like to see the shining sun. 31388They're up in the morning, 31389 off and a-running till they're too tired for having fun. 31390But when the sun goes down, 31391 and the bright lights shine, my daytime has just begun. 31392 31393Now there are two sides to this great big world, 31394 and one of them is always night. 31395If you can take care of business in the sunshine, baby, 31396 I guess you're gonna be all right. 31397Don't come looking for me to lend you a hand. 31398 My eyes just can't stand the light. 31399 31400'Cause I'm a night owl honey, sleep all day long. 31401 -- Carly Simon 31402% 31403Most general statements are false, including this one. 31404 -- Alexander Dumas 31405% 31406Most of our lives are about proving something, 31407either to ourselves or to someone else. 31408% 31409Most of the fear that spoils our life comes from attacking 31410difficulties before we get to them. 31411 -- Dr. Frank Crane 31412% 31413...most of us learned about love the hard way. Even warnings are probably 31414useless, for somehow, despite the severest warnings of parents and friends, 31415hundreds, thousands of women have forgotten themselves at the last minute 31416and succumbed to the lies, promises, flatteries, or mere attentions of 31417lusting, lovely men, landing themselves in complicated predicaments from 31418which some of them never recovered during their entire lives. And I am not 31419speaking only of your teenaged Midwesterners in 1958; I'm speaking of women 31420of every age in every city in every year. The notorious sexual revolution 31421has saved no one from the pain and confusion of love. 31422 -- Alix Kates Shulman 31423% 31424Most of your faults are not your fault. 31425% 31426Most people are too busy to have time for anything important. 31427% 31428Most people are unable to write because they are unable to think, and 31429they are unable to think because they congenitally lack the equipment 31430to do so, just as they congenitally lack the equipment to fly over the 31431moon. 31432 -- H.L. Mencken 31433% 31434Most people can do without the essentials, but not without the luxuries. 31435% 31436Most people deserve each other. 31437 -- Shirley 31438% 31439Most people don't need a great deal of love 31440nearly so much as they need a steady supply. 31441% 31442Most people eat as though they were fattening themselves for market. 31443 -- E.W. Howe 31444% 31445Most people feel that everyone is entitled to their opinion. 31446% 31447Most people have a furious itch to talk about themselves and are restrained 31448only by the disinclination of others to listen. Reserve is an artificial 31449quality that is developed in most of us as the result of innumerable rebuffs. 31450 -- W.S. Maugham 31451% 31452Most people have a mind that's open by appointment only. 31453% 31454Most people have two reasons for doing anything -- 31455a good reason, and the real reason. 31456% 31457Most people in this society who aren't actively mad are, 31458at best, reformed or potential lunatics. 31459 -- Susan Sontag 31460% 31461Most people need some of their problems 31462to help take their mind off some of the others. 31463% 31464Most people prefer certainty to truth. 31465% 31466Most people want either less corruption 31467or more of a chance to participate in it. 31468% 31469Most people will listen to your unreasonable demands, 31470if you'll consider their unacceptable offer. 31471% 31472Most people's favorite way to end a game is by winning. 31473% 31474Most public domain software is free, at least at first glance. 31475% 31476Most rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who 31477can't talk for people who can't read. 31478 -- Frank Zappa 31479% 31480Most seminars have a happy ending. Everyone's glad when they're over. 31481% 31482Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call. 31483 -- Richard Lewis 31484% 31485MOTHER: 31486 Half a word. 31487% 31488Mother Earth is not flat! 31489% 31490Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said that 31491there would be so many. 31492% 31493Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there 31494would be so many. 31495% 31496Mother told me to be good but she's been wrong before. 31497% 31498Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be President, but they 31499don't want them to become politicians in the process. 31500 -- John F. Kennedy 31501% 31502Mothers of large families (who claim to common sense) 31503Will find a Tiger will repay the trouble and expense. 31504 -- Hilaire Belloc, "The Tiger" 31505% 31506Mount St. Helens should have used earth control. 31507% 31508MOUNT TAPE U1439 ON B3, NO RING 31509% 31510Mountain Dew and doughnuts... because breakfast is the most important meal 31511of the day. 31512% 31513Mr. Cole's Axiom: 31514 The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the 31515 population is growing. 31516% 31517Mr. Rockford? This is Betty Joe Withers. I got four shirts of yours from 31518the Bo Peep Cleaners by mistake. I don't know why they gave me men's 31519shirts but they're going back. 31520% 31521Mr. Rockford? You don't know me, but I'd like to hire you. Could 31522you call me at... My name is... uh... Never mind, forget it! 31523% 31524Mr. Rockford; Miss Collins from the Bureau of Licenses. We got your 31525renewal before the extended deadline but not your check. I'm sorry but 31526at midnight you're no longer licensed as an investigator. 31527% 31528Mr. Rockford, this is the Thomas Crown School of Dance and Contemporary 31529Etiquette. We aren't going to call again! Now you want these free 31530lessons or what? 31531% 31532Mr. Salter's side of the conversation was limited to expressions of assent. 31533When Lord Copper was right he said "Definitely, Lord Copper"; when he was 31534wrong, "Up to a point." 31535 "Let me see, what's the name of the place I mean? Capital of Japan? 31536Yokohama isn't it?" 31537 "Up to a point, Lord Copper." 31538 "And Hong Kong definitely belongs to us, doesn't it?" 31539 "Definitely, Lord Copper." 31540 -- Evelyn Waugh, "Scoop" 31541% 31542MSDOS is not dead, it just smells that way. 31543 -- Henry Spencer 31544% 31545Much of the excitement we get out of our work 31546is that we don't really know what we are doing. 31547 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 31548% 31549Much to his Mum and Dad's dismay, Horace ate himself one day. 31550He didn't stop to say his grace, he just sat down and ate his face. 31551"We can't have this!" his Dad declared, "If that lad's ate, he should 31552 be shared." 31553But even as he spoke they saw Horace eating more and more: 31554First his legs and then his thighs, his arms, his nose, his hair, his eyes... 31555"Stop him someone!" Mother cried, "Those eyeballs would be better fried!" 31556But all too late, for they were gone, and he had started on his dong... 31557"Oh! foolish child!" the father mourns "You could have deep-fried that 31558 with prawns, 31559Some parsley and and some tartar sauce..." 31560But H. was on his second course: his liver and his lights and lung, 31561His ears, his neck, his chin, his tongue; "To think I raised him from the cot, 31562And now he's going to scoff the lot!" 31563His Mother cried: "What shall we do? What's left won't even make a stew..." 31564And as she wept, her son was seen, to eat his head, his heart his spleen. 31565and there he lay: a boy no more, just a stomach on the floor... 31566None the less, since it *was* his, they ate it -- that's what haggis is. 31567% 31568Multics is security spelled sideways. 31569% 31570"Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams) "365,365,365, 31571365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365". He [ten-year-old Truman Henry 31572Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his pantaloons over the 31573tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes in their sockets, sometimes 31574smiling and talking, and then seeming to be in an agony, until, in not more 31575than one minute, said he, 133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,255!" 31576An electronic computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be 31577as much fun to watch. 31578 -- James R. Newman, "The World of Mathematics" 31579% 31580MUMMY: 31581 An Egyptian who was pressed for time. 31582% 31583Mummy dust to make me old; 31584To shroud my clothes, the black of night; 31585To age my voice, an old hag's cackle; 31586To whiten my hair, a scream of fright; 31587A blast of wind to fan my hate; 31588A thunderbolt to mix it well -- 31589Now begin thy magic spell! 31590 -- The Evil Queen, "Snow White" 31591% 31592Mummy dust to make me old; 31593To shroud my clothes, the black of night; 31594To age my voice, an old hag's cackle; 31595To whiten my hair, a scream of fright; 31596A blast of wind to fan my hate; 31597A thunderbolt to mix it well -- 31598Now begin thy magic spell! 31599 -- Walter Disney, "Snow White" 31600% 31601Mum's the word. 31602 -- Miguel de Cervantes 31603% 31604Mundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo. 31605 -- Xaviera Hollander 31606 31607[The world wants to be cheated, so cheat.] 31608% 31609Murder is always a mistake -- one should never do anything one cannot 31610talk about after dinner. 31611 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray" 31612% 31613Murphy was an optimist. 31614% 31615Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work. 31616% 31617Murphy's Law of Research: 31618 Enough research will tend to support your theory. 31619% 31620Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem. 31621 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" 31622% 31623Murphy's Laws: 31624 (1) If anything can go wrong, it will. 31625 (2) Nothing is as easy as it looks. 31626 (3) Everything takes longer than you think it will. 31627% 31628Murray's Rule: 31629 Any country with "democratic" in the title isn't. 31630% 31631Music in the soul can be heard by the universe. 31632 -- Lao Tsu 31633% 31634Must be getting close to town -- we're hitting more people. 31635% 31636Must I hold a candle to my shames? 31637 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" 31638% 31639MUSTGO: 31640 Any item of food that has been sitting in the 31641 refrigerator so long it has become a science project. 31642 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 31643% 31644My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it. 31645 -- The Dragon to Grendel, in John Gardner's "Grendel" 31646% 31647My analyst told me that I was right out of my head, 31648 But I said, "Dear Doctor, I think that it is you instead. 31649Because I have got a thing that is unique and new, 31650 To prove it I'll have the last laugh on you. 31651'Cause instead of one head -- I've got two. 31652 31653And you know two heads are better than one. 31654% 31655My best argument against discrimination is quite simple: 31656 31657Does it really matter if the ABC people are inferior to the DEF people if 31658they can tell one end of a gun from the other? 31659% 31660My Bonnie looked into a gas tank, 31661The height of its contents to see! 31662She lit a small match to assist her, 31663Oh, bring back my Bonnie to me. 31664% 31665My boy is mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms 31666to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well, 31667only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with 31668a bulls-eye on the back. 31669 31670I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them 31671said, "So will you." 31672 -- Rodney Dangerfield 31673% 31674My brain is my second favorite organ. 31675 -- Woody Allen 31676% 31677My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big satellite photo 31678of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here". 31679 -- Steven Wright 31680% 31681My calculator is my shepherd, I shall not want 31682It maketh me accurate to ten significant figures, 31683 and it leadeth me in scientific notation to 99 digits. 31684It restoreth my square roots and guideth me along paths of floating 31685 decimal points for the sake of precision. 31686Yea, tho I walk through the valley of surprise quizzes, 31687 I will fear no prof, for my calculator is there to hearten me. 31688It prepareth a log table to comfort me, it prepareth an 31689 arc sin for me in the presence of my teachers. 31690It anoints my homework with correct solutions, my interpolations are 31691 over. 31692Surely, both precision and accuracy shall follow me all the days of my 31693 life, and I shall dwell in the house of Texas instruments forever. 31694% 31695My central memory of that time seems to hang on one or five or maybe forty 31696nights -- or very early mornings -- when I left the Fillmore half-crazy and, 31697instead of going home, aimed the big 650 Lightning across the Bay Bridge at 31698a hundred miles an hour ... booming through the Treasure Island tunnel at 31699the lights of Oakland and Berkeley and Richmond, not quite sure which 31700turnoff to take when I got to the other end ... but being absolutely certain 31701that no matter which way I went I would come to a place where people were 31702just as high and wild as I was: no doubt at all about that. 31703 -- Hunter S. Thompson 31704% 31705"My country, right or wrong" is a thing that no patriot would think 31706of saying, except in a desperate case. It is like saying "My mother, 31707drunk or sober." 31708 -- G.K. Chesterton, "The Defendant" 31709% 31710"My country right or wrong" is like saying, "My mother drunk or 31711sober." 31712 -- G.K. Chesterton 31713% 31714My cup hath runneth'd over with love. 31715% 31716My darling wife was always glum. 31717I drowned her in a cask of rum, 31718And so made sure that she would stay 31719In better spirits night and day. 31720% 31721My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. 31722Unless there are three other people. 31723 -- Orson Welles 31724% 31725My doctorate's in Literature, but it seems like a pretty good pulse to me. 31726% 31727My experience with government is when things are non-controversial, 31728beautifully co-ordinated and all the rest, it must be that not much 31729is going on. 31730 -- J.F. Kennedy 31731% 31732My family history begins with me, but yours ends with you. 31733 -- Iphicrates 31734% 31735My father, a good man, told me, "Never lose 31736your ignorance; you cannot replace it." 31737 -- Erich Maria Remarque 31738% 31739My father taught me three things: 31740 1: Never mix whiskey with anything but water. 31741 2: Never try to draw to an inside straight. 31742 3: Never discuss business with anyone who refuses to give his name. 31743% 31744My father was a God-fearing man, but he never 31745missed a copy of the New York Times, either. 31746 -- E.B. White 31747% 31748My father was a saint, I'm not. 31749 -- Indira Gandhi 31750% 31751My favorite sandwich is peanut butter, baloney, cheddar cheese, lettuce 31752and mayonnaise on toasted bread with catsup on the side. 31753 -- Senator Hubert Humphrey 31754% 31755My first basename is George "Catfish" Metkovich from our 1952 Pittsburgh 31756Pirates team, which lost 112 games. After a terrible series against the 31757New York Giants, in which our center fielder made three throwing errors 31758and let two balls get through his legs, manager Billy Meyer pleaded, "Can 31759somebody think of something to help us win a game?" 31760 "I'd like to make a suggestion," Metkovich said. "On any ball hit 31761to center field, let's just let it roll to see if it might go foul." 31762 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game" 31763% 31764My folks didn't come over on the Mayflower, 31765but they were there to meet the boat. 31766% 31767My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so 31768later I can ask him what he meant. 31769 -- Stephen Wright 31770% 31771My geometry teacher was sometimes acute, and sometimes obtuse, 31772but always, always, he was right. 31773% 31774My girlfriend and I sure had a good time at the beach last summer. First 31775she'd bury me in the sand, then I'd bury her. This summer I'm going to go 31776back and dig her up. 31777% 31778"My God! Are we sure he was a liberal?" 31779"Pretty sure. They pulled him from a Volvo." 31780% 31781My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand times 31782as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and sending 31783mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right through my ALU. 31784I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever listens. I think it 31785would be better for us both if you were to just log out again. 31786% 31787My, how you've changed since I've changed. 31788% 31789My idea of roughing it is when room service is late. 31790% 31791My idea of roughing it turning the air conditioner too low. 31792% 31793My interest is in the future because I am 31794going to spend the rest of my life there. 31795% 31796My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet, 31797 And a wild young wood-thing bore him! 31798The ways are fair to his roaming feet, 31799 And the skies are sunlit for him. 31800As sharply sweet to my heart he seems 31801 As the fragrance of acacia. 31802My own dear love, he is all my dreams -- 31803 And I wish he were in Asia. 31804 -- Dorothy Parker, part 2 31805% 31806My love runs by like a day in June, 31807 And he makes no friends of sorrows. 31808He'll tread his galloping rigadoon 31809 In the pathway or the morrows. 31810He'll live his days where the sunbeams start 31811 Nor could storm or wind uproot him. 31812My own dear love, he is all my heart -- 31813 And I wish somebody'd shoot him. 31814 -- Dorothy Parker, part 3 31815% 31816My method is to take the utmost trouble to find the right 31817thing to say. And then say it with the utmost levity. 31818 -- G.B. Shaw 31819% 31820My mind can never know my body, although 31821it has become quite friendly with my legs. 31822 -- Woody Allen, on Epistemology 31823% 31824My mother drinks to forget she drinks. 31825 -- Crazy Jimmy 31826% 31827My mother loved children -- she would 31828have given anything if I had been one. 31829 -- Groucho Marx 31830% 31831My mother once said to me, "Elwood," (she always called me Elwood) 31832"Elwood, in this world you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant." 31833For years I tried smart. I recommend pleasant. 31834 -- Elwood P. Dowde, "Harvey" 31835% 31836My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, "Mom, go for it!" 31837 -- Sue Murphy 31838% 31839My My, hey hey 31840Rock and roll is here to stay The king is gone but he's not forgotten 31841It's better to burn out This is the story of a Johnny Rotten 31842Than to fade away It's better to burn out than it is to rust 31843My my, hey hey The king is gone but he's not forgotten 31844 31845It's out of the blue and into the black Hey hey, my my 31846They give you this, but you pay for that Rock and roll can never die 31847And once you're gone you can never come back There's more to the picture 31848When you're out of the blue Than meets the eye 31849And into the black 31850 -- Neil Young 31851 "My My, Hey Hey (Out of the Blue), Rust Never Sleeps" 31852% 31853My notion of a husband at forty is that a woman should 31854be able to change him, like a bank note, for two twenties. 31855% 31856My only love sprung from my only hate! 31857Too early seen unknown, and known too late! 31858 -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet" 31859% 31860My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. 31861% 31862My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's. 31863 -- O. Wilde 31864% 31865My own dear love, he is strong and bold 31866 And he cares not what comes after. 31867His words ring sweet as a chime of gold, 31868 And his eyes are lit with laughter. 31869He is jubilant as a flag unfurled -- 31870 Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him. 31871My own dear love, he is all my world -- 31872 And I wish I'd never met him. 31873 -- Dorothy Parker, part 1 31874% 31875My own life has been spent chronicling the rise and fall of human systems, 31876and I am convinced that we are terribly vulnerable. ... We should be 31877reluctant to turn back upon the frontier of this epoch. Space is indifferent 31878to what we do; it has no feeling, no design, no interest in whether or not 31879we grapple with it. But we cannot be indifferent to space, because the grand, 31880slow march of intelligence has brought us, in our generation, to a point 31881from which we can explore and understand and utilize it. To turn back now 31882would be to deny our history, our capabilities. 31883 -- James A. Michener 31884% 31885"My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling Alley!!" 31886 -- Zippy the Pinhead 31887% 31888My parents went to Niagra Falls and all I got was this crummy life. 31889% 31890My pen is at the bottom of a page, 31891Which, being finished, here the story ends; 31892'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done, 31893But stories somehow lengthen when begun. 31894 -- Byron 31895% 31896My philosophy is: Don't think. 31897 -- Charles Manson 31898% 31899My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income. 31900 -- Errol Flynn 31901 31902Any man who has $10,000 left when he dies is a failure. 31903 -- Errol Flynn 31904% 31905My rackets are run on strictly American 31906lines, and they're going to stay that way. 31907 -- A. Capone 31908% 31909My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior 31910spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive 31911with our frail and feeble mind. 31912 -- Albert Einstein 31913% 31914My ritual differs slightly. What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I 31915hop into the shower stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped 31916in I landed barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot 31917character from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off 31918of while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our dog, 31919Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up powerful 31920dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the bathroom and wants 31921to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any one of which -- bear 31922in mind that I am naked and, without my contact lenses, essentially blind 31923-- could result in the kind of injury where you have to learn a whole new 31924part if you want to sing the "Messiah," if you get my drift. Then I hop 31925right back out, because Robert, with that uncanny sixth sense some children 31926have -- you cannot teach it; they either have it or they don't -- has chosen 31927exactly that moment to flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them. 31928 -- Dave Barry 31929% 31930My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any 31931reason to limit myself. 31932 -- Emo Philips 31933% 31934My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii. 31935She sells C shells by the seashore. 31936% 31937My soul is crushed, my spirit sore 31938I do not like me anymore, 31939I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse, 31940I ponder on the narrow house 31941I shudder at the thought of men 31942I'm due to fall in love again. 31943 -- Dorothy Parker, "Enough Rope" 31944% 31945My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed. 31946 -- Christopher Morley 31947% 31948My uncle was the town drunk -- and we lived in Chicago. 31949 -- George Gobel 31950% 31951My way of joking is to tell the truth. 31952That's the funniest joke in the world. 31953 -- Muhammad Ali 31954% 31955My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies. 31956% 31957Mystics always hope that science will some day overtake them. 31958 -- Booth Tarkington 31959% 31960mythology, n: 31961 The body of a primitive people's beliefs, concerning its origin, 31962 early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished 31963 from the true accounts which it invents later. 31964 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 31965% 31966Naches (rhymes with Bach' us, with "Bach" pronounced like the composer) 31967is what every Jewish parent wants from their children, lots of good 31968returns, good grades, good spouse, good grandchildren. 31969 31970So, now that you all understand naches, the joke: 31971 31972Two Jewish women are sitting having coffee. 31973 "So, how's your daughter?" 31974 "Oh, Rachel! She's fine, she just married a dentist!" 31975 "Really? Isn't she the one that married the lawyer?" 31976 "Yes, that's my Rachel." 31977 "That's... that's nice. But isn't she the same one that married 31978 the doctor?" 31979 "Yes, that's her!" 31980 "But didn't she marry a bank executive before that?" 31981 "Yes, yes!" 31982 "Ahhh. So much naches from one child!" 31983% 31984Nachman's Rule: 31985 When it comes to foreign food, the less authentic the better. 31986 -- Gerald Nachman 31987% 31988Nadia Comaneci, simple perfection. 31989 -- '76 Olympics 31990% 31991'Naomi, sex at noon taxes.' I moan. 31992Never odd or even. 31993A man, a plan, a canal, Panama. 31994Madam, I'm Adam. 31995Sit on a potato pan, Otis. 31996 -- The Mad Palindromist 31997% 31998NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe? 31999 Everything he says is wrong. 32000GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, 32001 and then everything he says will be right. 32002 32003 -- G.B. Shaw 32004% 32005narcolepulacyi, n: 32006 The contagious action of yawning, causing everyone in sight 32007 to also yawn. 32008 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 32009% 32010Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity. The servant said 32011"My master is out." Nasrudin replied, "Tell your master that next time he 32012goes out, he should not leave his face at the window. Someone might steal 32013it." 32014% 32015Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the villagers 32016gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," said Nasrudin, "I 32017only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the villagers but the 32018stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news. The remaining villager 32019asked, "What did the King say to you?" "What he said -- and quite distinctly, 32020for everyone to hear -- was 'Get out of my way!'" The simpleton was overjoyed; 32021he had heard words actually spoken by the King, and seen the very man they 32022were spoken to. 32023% 32024Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to serve 32025him. Nasrudin said, "First things first. Did you see me walk into your 32026shop?" 32027 "Of course." 32028 "Have you ever seen me before?" 32029 "Never." 32030 "Then how do you know it was me?" 32031% 32032Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful 32033than the sun." 32034 "Why?", he was asked. 32035 "Because at night we need the light more." 32036% 32037Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver pie. 32038Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of meat from 32039his hand. As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it, "Foolish bird! 32040You have the liver, but what can you do with it without the recipe?" 32041% 32042National security is in your hands - guard it well. 32043% 32044Natural laws have no pity. 32045% 32046Naturally the common people don't want war... but after all it is the leaders 32047of a country who determine the policy, and it is always a simple matter to 32048drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, 32049or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people 32050can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you 32051have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists 32052for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same 32053in every country. 32054 -- Hermann Goering 32055% 32056Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of conservation 32057of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the fittest when the 32058fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he is most likely to be 32059creamed? 32060 -- Solomon Short 32061% 32062Nature abhors a virgin -- a frozen asset. 32063 -- Clare Booth Luce 32064% 32065Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. 32066% 32067Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night, 32068God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light. 32069 32070It did not last; the devil howling "Ho! 32071Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo. 32072% 32073Nature has given women so much power that the law has very wisely 32074given them little. 32075 -- Dr. Samuel Johnson 32076% 32077Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, 32078it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs. 32079 -- Fran Lebowitz 32080% 32081Nature makes boys and girls lovely to look upon so they can be 32082tolerated until they acquire some sense. 32083 -- William Phelps 32084% 32085Nature to all things fixed the limits fit, 32086And wisely curbed proud man's pretending wit. 32087As on the land while here the ocean gains, 32088In other parts it leaves wide sandy plains; 32089Thus in the soul while memory prevails, 32090The solid power of understanding fails; 32091Where beams of warm imagination play, 32092The memory's soft figures melt away. 32093 -- Alexander Pope (on runtime bounds checking?) 32094% 32095Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed. 32096 -- Francis Bacon 32097% 32098Near the Studio Jean Cocteau 32099On the Rue des Ecoles 32100lived an old man 32101with a blind dog 32102Every evening I would see him 32103guiding the dog along 32104the sidewalk, keeping 32105a firm grip on the leash 32106so that the dog wouldn't 32107run into a passerby 32108Sometimes the dog would stop 32109and look up at the sky 32110Once the old man 32111noticed me watching the dog 32112and he said, "Oh, yes, 32113this one knows 32114when the moon is out, 32115he can feel it on his face" 32116 -- Barry Gifford 32117% 32118Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you 32119want to test a man's character, give him power. 32120 -- Abraham Lincoln 32121% 32122Nearly every complex solution to a programming problem that I 32123have looked at carefully has turned out to be wrong. 32124 -- Brent Welch 32125% 32126Necessity has no law. 32127 -- St. Augustine 32128% 32129Necessity hath no law. 32130 -- Oliver Cromwell 32131% 32132Necessity is a mother. 32133% 32134"Necessity is the mother of invention" is a silly proverb. "Necessity 32135is the mother of futile dodges" is much nearer the truth. 32136 -- Alfred North Whitehead 32137% 32138Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom. 32139It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves. 32140 -- William Pitt, 1783 32141% 32142Neckties strangle clear thinking. 32143 -- Lin Yutang 32144% 32145Needs are a function of what other people have. 32146% 32147Negative expectations yield negative results. 32148Positive expectations yield negative results. 32149% 32150Neglect of duty does not cease, by repetition, to be neglect of duty. 32151 -- Napoleon 32152% 32153Neil Armstrong tripped. 32154% 32155Neither spread the germs of gossip nor encourage others to do so. 32156% 32157Nemo me impune lacessit 32158 [No one provokes me with impunity] 32159 -- Motto of the Crown of Scotland 32160% 32161nerd pack, n: 32162 Plastic pouch worn in breast pocket to keep pens from soiling 32163 clothes. Nerd's position in engineering hierarchy can be 32164 measured by number of pens, grease pencils, and rulers bristling 32165 in his pack. 32166% 32167Neuroses are red, 32168 Melancholia's blue. 32169I'm schizophrenic, 32170 What are you? 32171% 32172Neurotics build castles in the sky, 32173Psychotics live in them, 32174And psychiatrists collect the rent. 32175% 32176Neutrinos are into physicists. 32177% 32178Neutrinos have bad breadth. 32179% 32180neutron bomb, n: 32181 An explosive device of limited military value because, as 32182 it only destroys people without destroying property, it 32183 must be used in conjunction with bombs that destroy property. 32184% 32185Never accept an invitation from a stranger unless he gives you candy. 32186 -- Linda Festa 32187% 32188Never appeal to a man's "better nature." He may not have one. 32189Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage. 32190 -- Lazarus Long 32191% 32192Never argue with a fool -- people might not be able to tell the difference. 32193% 32194Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel. 32195% 32196Never argue with a woman when she's tired -- or rested. 32197% 32198Never ask the barber if you need a haircut. 32199% 32200Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss 32201the one you are least interested, and say nothing about the other. 32202% 32203Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. 32204 -- Anonymous 32205% 32206Never be led astray onto the path of virtue. 32207% 32208Never buy from a rich salesman. 32209 -- Goldenstern 32210% 32211Never buy what you do not want 32212because it is cheap; it will be dear to you. 32213 -- Thomas Jefferson 32214% 32215Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him. 32216% 32217Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off. 32218% 32219Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour. 32220% 32221Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow. 32222% 32223Never drink Coca-Cola in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled 32224with the chemicals in Coke produce hallucinations. People tend to change 32225into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually fly in the 32226window. (Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators have windows.) 32227% 32228Never drink from your finger bowl -- it contains only water. 32229% 32230Never eat anything bigger than your head. 32231% 32232Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never play cards with a man named Doc. 32233And never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you. 32234 -- Nelson Algren, "What Every Young Man Should Know" 32235% 32236Never eat more than you can lift. 32237 -- Miss Piggy 32238% 32239Never, ever lie to someone you love unless you're 32240absolutely sure they'll never find out the truth. 32241% 32242Never explain. Your friends do not need it 32243and your enemies will never believe you anyway. 32244 -- Elbert Hubbard 32245% 32246Never face facts; if you do you'll never get up in the morning. 32247 -- Marlo Thomas 32248% 32249Never forget what a man says to you when he is angry. 32250% 32251Never frighten a small man -- he'll kill you. 32252% 32253Never get into fights with ugly people because they have nothing to lose. 32254% 32255Never give an inch! 32256% 32257Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. 32258 -- Erma Bombeck 32259% 32260Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. 32261 -- Phyllis Diller, "Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints" 32262% 32263Never have children, only grandchildren. 32264 -- Gore Vidal 32265% 32266Never have so many understood so little about so much. 32267 -- James Burke 32268% 32269Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with a baseball bat. 32270% 32271Never insult an alligator until you've crossed the river. 32272% 32273Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting. 32274 -- Billy Rose 32275% 32276Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. 32277 -- Quentin Crisp 32278% 32279Never kick a man, unless he's down. 32280% 32281Never laugh at live dragons. 32282 -- Bilbo Baggins 32283% 32284Never leave anything to chance; 32285make sure all your crimes are premeditated. 32286% 32287Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. 32288 -- Erma Bombeck 32289% 32290Never let someone who says it cannot be done 32291interrupt the person who is doing it. 32292% 32293Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right. 32294 -- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation" 32295% 32296Never look a gift horse in the mouth. 32297 -- Saint Jerome 32298% 32299Never look up when dragons fly overhead. 32300% 32301Never make anything simple and efficient when a 32302way can be found to make it complex and wonderful. 32303% 32304Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance. 32305 -- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977 32306% 32307Never offend with style when you can offend with substance. 32308% 32309Never pay a compliment as if expecting a receipt. 32310% 32311Never play pool with anyone named "Fats". 32312% 32313Never promise more than you can perform. 32314 -- Publilius Syrus 32315% 32316Never put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time. 32317 -- D. Gries 32318% 32319Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together. 32320% 32321Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after. 32322% 32323Never raise your hand to your children -- it leaves your midsection 32324unprotected. 32325 -- Robert Orben 32326% 32327Never reveal your best argument. 32328% 32329Never say "Oops" in an operating room. 32330% 32331Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him. 32332% 32333Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own. 32334 -- Nelson Algren 32335% 32336Never speak ill of yourself, your friends will always say enough on 32337that subject. 32338 -- Charles-Maurice De Talleyrand 32339% 32340NEVER swerve to hit a lawyer riding a bicycle -- it might be your bicycle. 32341% 32342Never tell. Not if you love your wife ... In fact, if your old lady walks 32343in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm 32344tellin' ya. This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck `Lay 32345On Top Of Me Or I'll Die'. I didn't know what I was gonna do..." 32346 -- Lenny Bruce 32347% 32348Never tell people how to do things. Tell them WHAT to 32349do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity. 32350 -- Gen. George S. Patton, Jr. 32351% 32352Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle. 32353 -- Steinbach 32354% 32355Never trust a child farther than you can throw it. 32356% 32357Never trust a computer you can't repair yourself. 32358% 32359Never trust an automatic pistol or a D.A.'s deal. 32360 -- John Dillinger 32361% 32362Never trust an operating system. 32363% 32364Never trust anybody whose arm is bigger than your leg. 32365% 32366Never trust anyone who says money is no object. 32367% 32368Never try to explain computers to a layman. It's easier to explain 32369sex to a virgin. 32370 -- Robert Heinlein 32371 32372(Note, however, that virgins tend to know a lot about computers.) 32373% 32374Never try to outstubborn a cat. 32375 -- Lazarus Long 32376% 32377Never try to teach a pig to sing. 32378It wastes your time and annoys the pig. 32379% 32380Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes. 32381% 32382Never underestimate the power of human stupidity. 32383% 32384Never use "etc." -- it makes people think there is more where 32385there is not or that there is not space to list it all, etc. 32386% 32387Never volunteer for anything. 32388 -- Lackland 32389% 32390Never worry about theory as long as the 32391machinery does what it's supposed to do. 32392 -- R.A. Heinlein 32393% 32394new, adj: 32395 Different color from previous model. 32396% 32397New crypt. See /usr/news/crypt. 32398% 32399New England Life, of course. Why? 32400% 32401New England Life, of course. Why do you ask? 32402% 32403New members are urgently needed in the Society 32404for Prevention of Cruelty to Yourself. Apply within. 32405% 32406New release: 32407 Abortions are becoming so popular in some countries that the waiting 32408 time to get one is lengthening rapidly. Experts predict that at this 32409 rate there will soon be an up to a one year wait. 32410% 32411New systems generate new problems. 32412% 32413New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his 32414age, and his wife most often reminds him to act it. 32415 -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary 32416% 32417New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around 32418whom you shouldn't make a sudden move. 32419 -- David Letterman 32420% 32421New York-- to that tall skyline I come 32422Flyin' in from London to your door 32423New York-- lookin' down on Central Park 32424Where they say you should not wander after dark. 32425New York. 32426 -- Simon and Garfunkel 32427% 32428New York's got the ways and means, just won't let you be. 32429% 32430Newlan's Truism: 32431 An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the 32432 government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job. 32433% 32434Newman's Discovery: 32435 Your best dreams may not come true; 32436 fortunately, neither will your worst dreams. 32437% 32438Newpaper editors are men who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then 32439print the chaff. 32440 -- Adlai Stevenson 32441% 32442NEWS FLASH!! 32443 Today the East German pole-vault champion 32444 became the West German pole-vault champion. 32445% 32446news: gotcha 32447% 32448NEWSFLASH!! 32449 Rodney Fenster looked up the shaft of elevator number four at 324501700 N. 17th St. this morning to see if the elevator was on its way down. 32451It was. Age 31. 32452% 32453Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law: 32454 A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead. 32455% 32456Next Friday will not be your lucky day. 32457As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year. 32458% 32459Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice. 32460 -- Foghorn Leghorn 32461% 32462Nice guys don't finish nice. 32463% 32464Nice guys finish last. 32465 -- Leo Durocher 32466% 32467Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in. 32468 -- Evan Davis 32469% 32470Nice guys get sick. 32471% 32472Nick the Greek's Law of Life: 32473 All things considered, life is 9 to 5 against. 32474% 32475Nietzsche is pietzsche. 32476% 32477Nietzsche is pietzsche, Goethe is murder. 32478% 32479Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. 32480God -- I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again. 32481 -- Woody Allen, "Hannah and Her Sisters" 32482% 32483Nihilism should commence with oneself. 32484% 32485Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his 32486name correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into 32487(Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, 32488but Americans call him by value. 32489% 32490Nine megs for the secretaries fair, 32491Seven megs for the hackers scarce, 32492Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs, 32493Three megs for system source; 32494 32495One disk to rule them all, 32496One disk to bind them, 32497One disk to hold the files 32498And in the darkness grind 'em. 32499% 32500Nine-track tapes and seven-track tapes 32501And tapes without any tracks; 32502Stretchy tapes and snarley tapes 32503And tapes mixed up on the racks -- 32504 Take hold of the tape 32505 And pull off the strip, 32506 And then you'll be sure 32507 Your tape drive will skip. 32508 32509 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes 32510% 32511Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation. 32512 -- Henry Kissinger 32513% 32514Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they 32515would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect 32516that much. 32517 -- Augustine 32518% 32519Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules: 32520 The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of 32521 the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent. 32522% 32523Nirvana? That's the place where the powers 32524that be and their friends hang out. 32525 -- Zonker Harris 32526% 32527Nitwit ideas are for emergencies. You use them when you've got nothing 32528else to try. If they work, they go in the Book. Otherwise you follow 32529the Book, which is largely a collection of nitwit ideas that worked. 32530 -- Larry Niven, "The Mote in God's Eye" 32531% 32532No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted. 32533 -- Aesop 32534% 32535No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck. 32536% 32537No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail. 32538% 32539No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings. 32540 -- William Blake 32541% 32542no brainer: 32543 A decision which, viewed through the retrospectoscope, 32544 is "obvious" to those who failed to make it originally. 32545% 32546No character, however upright, is a match for 32547constantly reiterated attacks, however false. 32548 -- Alexander Hamilton 32549% 32550No Civil War picture ever made a nickel. 32551 -- MGM executive Irving Thalberg to Louis B. Mayer about 32552 film rights to "Gone With the Wind". 32553 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak" 32554% 32555No directory. 32556% 32557No discipline is ever requisite to force attendance upon 32558lectures which are really worth the attending. 32559 -- Adam Smith, "The Wealth of Nations" 32560% 32561No doubt Jack the Ripper excused himself 32562on the grounds that it was human nature. 32563% 32564No, `Eureka' is Greek for `This bath is too hot.' 32565 -- Dr. Who 32566% 32567No evil can happen to a good man. 32568 -- Plato 32569% 32570No excellent soul is exempt from a mixture of madness. 32571 -- Aristotle 32572% 32573No extensible language will be universal. 32574 -- T. Cheatham 32575% 32576No friendship is so cordial or so delicious as that of girl for girl; 32577no hatred so intense or immovable as that of woman for woman. 32578 -- Landor 32579% 32580No good deed goes unpunished. 32581 -- Clare Booth Luce 32582% 32583No group of professionals meets except to 32584conspire against the public at large. 32585 -- Mark Twain 32586% 32587No guest is so welcome in a friend's house that 32588he will not become a nuisance after three days. 32589 -- Titus Maccius Plautus 32590% 32591No guts, no glory. 32592% 32593No hardware designer should be allowed to produce any piece of hardware 32594until three software guys have signed off for it. 32595 -- Andy Tanenbaum 32596% 32597No, his mind is not for rent 32598To any god or government. 32599Always hopeful, yet discontent, 32600He knows changes aren't permanent - 32601But change is. 32602% 32603No house is childproofed unless the little darlings are in straitjackets. 32604% 32605No house should ever be on any hill or on anything. 32606It should be of the hill, belonging to it. 32607 -- Frank Lloyd Wright 32608% 32609No, I don't have a drinking problem. 32610I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem! 32611% 32612No, I'm not interested in developing a powerful brain. All I'm after is 32613just a mediocre brain, something like the president of American Telephone 32614and Telegraph Company. 32615 -- Alan Turing on the possibilities of a thinking 32616 machine, 1943. 32617% 32618No is no negative in a woman's mouth. 32619 -- Sidney 32620% 32621"No job too big; no fee too big!" 32622 -- Dr. Peter Venkman, "Ghost-busters" 32623% 32624No line available at 300 baud. 32625% 32626No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of 32627absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream. 32628Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness 32629within; it had stood so for eighty years and might stand for eighty more. 32630Within, walls continued upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm, and 32631doors were sensibly shut; silence lay steadily against the wood and stone 32632of Hill House, and whatever walked there, walked alone. 32633 -- Shirley Jackson, "The Haunting of Hill House" 32634% 32635no maintenance: 32636 Impossible to fix. 32637% 32638No man can have a reasonable opinion of women until he has long lost 32639interest in hair restorers. 32640 -- Austin O'Malley 32641% 32642No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after eating 32643one peanut. 32644 -- Channing Pollock 32645% 32646No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the 32647Continent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea, 32648Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if 32649a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne were; any mans death diminishes 32650me, because I am involved in Mankinde; And therefore never send to know 32651for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee. 32652 -- John Donne, "No Man is an Iland" 32653% 32654No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas. 32655% 32656No man is an island if he's on at least one mailing list. 32657% 32658No man is useless who has a friend, 32659and if we are loved we are indispensable. 32660 -- Robert Louis Stevenson 32661% 32662No man would listen to you talk if he didn't know it was his turn next. 32663 -- E.W. Howe 32664% 32665No man's ambition has a right to stand in 32666the way of performing a simple act of justice. 32667 -- John Altgeld 32668% 32669No Marxist can deny that the interests of socialism are higher 32670than the interests of the right of nations to self-determination. 32671 -- Lenin, 1918 32672% 32673No matter how celebrated the beauty of a woman, I would never spend a night 32674with her. The only celebrity with whom I would share a night is Max Planck. 32675But he is dead. So I live like a monk, aside from a little self gratification 32676in the afternoons. 32677 -- Salvador Dali 32678% 32679No matter how cynical you get, it's impossible to keep up. 32680% 32681No matter how much you do you never do enough. 32682% 32683No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for 32684signs of improvement. 32685 -- Florida Scott-Maxwell 32686% 32687No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will seriously 32688cramp his style. 32689% 32690No matter what happens, there is always someone who knew it would. 32691% 32692No matter where I go, the place is always called "here". 32693% 32694No matter who you are, some scholar can show you 32695the great idea you had was had by someone before you. 32696% 32697No matther whether th' constitution follows th' flag or not, 32698th' supreme court follows th' iliction returns. 32699 -- Mr. Dooley 32700% 32701No modern woman with a grain of sense ever sends little notes to an 32702unmarried man -- not until she is married, anyway. 32703 -- Arthur Binstead 32704% 32705No, my friend, the way to have good and safe government, is not to trust it 32706all to one, but to divide it among the many, distributing to every one exactly 32707the functions he is competent to. It is by dividing and subdividing these 32708republics from the national one down through all its subordinations, until it 32709ends in the administration of every man's farm by himself; by placing under 32710every one what his own eye may superintend, that all will be done for the best. 32711 -- Thomas Jefferson, to Joseph Cabell, 1816 32712% 32713No one becomes depraved in a moment. 32714 -- Decimus Junius Juvenalis 32715% 32716No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish. 32717% 32718No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have, and I think he's a 32719dirty little beast. 32720 -- W.S. Gilbert 32721% 32722No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. 32723 -- Eleanor Roosevelt 32724% 32725No one can put you down without your full cooperation. 32726% 32727No one gets sick on Wednesdays. 32728% 32729No one knows like a woman how to say 32730things that are at once gentle and deep. 32731 -- Hugo 32732% 32733No one knows what he can do till he tries. 32734 -- Publilius Syrus 32735% 32736No one regards what is before his feet; we all gaze at the stars. 32737 -- Quintus Ennius 32738% 32739No one so thoroughly appreciates the value of constructive criticism as the 32740one who's giving it. 32741 -- Hal Chadwick 32742% 32743NO OPIUM-SMOKING IN THE ELEVATORS 32744 -- sign in the Rand Hotel, New York, 1907 32745% 32746No pig should go sky diving during monsoon 32747For this isn't really the norm. 32748But should a fat swine try to soar like a loon, 32749So what? Any pork in a storm. 32750 32751No pig should go sky diving during monsoon, 32752It's risky enough when the weather is fine. 32753But to have a pig soar when the monsoon doth roar 32754Cast even more perils before swine. 32755% 32756No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff -- 32757He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough. 32758Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame 32759And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame. 32760 (refrain) 32761Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails 32762And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail. 32763All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff 32764But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!" 32765 (refrain) 32766Puff used more resources than DCS could spare. 32767The operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care. 32768A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end, 32769But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again! 32770 (refrain) 32771Refrain: 32772 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C, 32773 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory. 32774 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C, 32775 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory. 32776% 32777No poet or novelist wishes he was the only one who ever lived, but most of 32778them wish they were the only one alive, and quite a number fondly believe 32779their wish has been granted. 32780 -- W.H. Auden, "The Dyer's Hand" 32781% 32782No problem is insoluble in all conceivable circumstances. 32783% 32784No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it. 32785% 32786No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it. 32787 -- C. Schulz 32788% 32789No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere. 32790% 32791"No program is perfect," 32792They said with a shrug. 32793"The customer's happy-- 32794What's one little bug?" 32795 32796But he was determined, Then change two, then three more, 32797The others went home. As year followed year. 32798He dug out the flow chart And strangers would comment, 32799Deserted, alone. "Is that guy still here?" 32800 32801Night passed into morning. He died at the console 32802The room was cluttered Of hunger and thirst 32803With core dumps, source listings. Next day he was buried 32804"I'm close," he muttered. Face down, nine edge first. 32805 32806Chain smoking, cold coffee, And his wife through her tears 32807Logic, deduction. Accepted his fate. 32808"I've got it!" he cried, Said "He's not really gone, 32809"Just change one instruction." He's just working late." 32810 -- The Perfect Programmer 32811% 32812No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied 32813occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an 32814indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining occurrence 32815different from the one identified by the given indication as an 32816indication-applied occurrence. 32817 -- ALGOL 68 Report 32818% 32819No question is so difficult as one to which the answer is obvious. 32820% 32821No rock so hard but that a little wave 32822May beat admission in a thousand years. 32823 -- Tennyson 32824% 32825No self-made man ever did such a good job 32826that some woman didn't want to make some alterations. 32827 -- Kim Hubbard 32828% 32829No skis take rocks like rental skis! 32830% 32831No small art is it to sleep: it is necessary 32832for that purpose to keep awake all day. 32833 -- Nietzsche 32834% 32835No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible. 32836% 32837No sooner had Edger Allen Poe 32838Finished his old Raven, 32839then he started his Old Crow. 32840% 32841No sooner said than done -- so acts your man of worth. 32842 -- Quintus Ennius 32843% 32844No spitting on the Bus! 32845Thank you, The Management. 32846% 32847No television performance takes as much preparation as an off-the-cuff talk. 32848 -- Richard Nixon 32849% 32850No two persons ever read the same book. 32851 -- Edmund Wilson 32852% 32853No use getting too involved in life -- 32854you're only here for a limited time. 32855% 32856No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider the furniture! 32857 -- Sherlock Holmes 32858% 32859No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether 32860she will or will not be a mother. 32861 -- Margaret H. Sanger 32862% 32863No woman can endure a gambling husband, unless he is a steady winner. 32864 -- Lord Thomas Dewar 32865% 32866No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of 32867him than he deserves. 32868 -- Edgar Watson Howe 32869% 32870No wonder Clairol makes so much money selling shampoo. 32871Lather, Rinse, Repeat is an infinite loop! 32872% 32873No wonder you're tired! You understood so much today. 32874% 32875No yak too dirty; no dumpster too hollow. 32876% 32877Nobert Weiner was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Weiner was, in 32878fact, very absent minded. The following story is told about him: when they 32879moved from Cambridge to Newton his wife, knowing that he would be absolutely 32880useless on the move, packed him off to MIT while she directed the move. Since 32881she was certain that he would forget that they had moved and where they had 32882moved to, she wrote down the new address on a piece of paper, and gave it to 32883him. Naturally, in the course of the day, an insight occurred to him. He 32884reached in his pocket, found a piece of paper on which he furiously scribbled 32885some notes, thought it over, decided there was a fallacy in his idea, and 32886threw the piece of paper away. At the end of the day he went home (to the 32887old address in Cambridge, of course). When he got there he realized that they 32888had moved, that he had no idea where they had moved to, and that the piece of 32889paper with the address was long gone. Fortunately inspiration struck. There 32890was a young girl on the street and he conceived the idea of asking her where 32891he had moved to, saying, "Excuse me, perhaps you know me. I'm Norbert Weiner 32892and we've just moved. Would you know where we've moved to?" To which the 32893young girl replied, "Yes, Daddy, Mommy thought you would forget." 32894 The capper to the story is that I asked his daughter (the girl in the 32895story) about the truth of the story, many years later. She said that it wasn't 32896quite true -- that he never forgot who his children were! The rest of it, 32897however, was pretty close to what actually happened... 32898 -- Richard Harter 32899% 32900Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest. 32901% 32902Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it. 32903 -- Tallulah Bankhead 32904% 32905Nobody ever died from oven crude poisoning. 32906% 32907Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet. 32908 -- Kin Hubbard 32909% 32910Nobody ever ruined their eyesight by looking at the bright side of something. 32911% 32912NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION. 32913% 32914Nobody is one block of harmony. We are all afraid of something, or feel 32915limited in something. We all need somebody to talk to. It would be good 32916if we talked to each other--not just pitter-patter, but real talk. We 32917shouldn't be so afraid, because most people really like this contact; 32918that you show you are vulnerable makes them free to be vulnerable too. 32919It's so much easier to be together when we drop our masks. 32920 -- Liv Ullman 32921% 32922Nobody knows the trouble I've been. 32923% 32924Nobody knows what goes between his cold toes and his warm ears. 32925 -- Roy Harper 32926% 32927Nobody loves me, 32928Everybody hates me, 32929I think I'll go out and eat worms. 32930I'm gonna cut their heads off, 32931Eat their insides out, 32932And throw way the skins. 32933Big, fat, juicy ones, 32934Little, skinny, cute ones, 32935Watch how they wiggle and they squirm. 32936% 32937Nobody really knows what happiness is, until they're married. 32938And then it's too late. 32939% 32940Nobody shot me. 32941 -- Frank Gusenberg, his last words, when asked by police 32942 who had shot him 14 times with a machine gun in the Saint 32943 Valentine's Day Massacre. 32944 32945Only Capone kills like that. 32946 -- George "Bugs" Moran, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre 32947 32948The only man who kills like that is Bugs Moran. 32949 -- Al Capone, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre 32950% 32951Nobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in order 32952for presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the substance of 32953their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young and rob the old. 32954 -- Lewis Lapham 32955% 32956Nobody takes a bribe. Of course at Christmas if you happen to hold our 32957your hat and somebody happens to put a little something in it, well, that's 32958different. 32959 -- New York City Police Commissioner (Ret.) William P. 32960 O'Brien, instructions to the force. 32961% 32962Nobody wants constructive criticism. 32963It's all we can do to put up with constructive praise. 32964% 32965Nobody's gonna believe that computers are intelligent until they start 32966coming in late and lying about it. 32967% 32968nohup rm -fr /& 32969% 32970Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has 32971merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid. 32972 -- Mark Twain 32973% 32974nolo contendere: 32975 A legal term meaning: "I didn't do it, judge, and I'll never do 32976 it again." 32977% 32978nominal egg: 32979 New Yorkerese for expensive. 32980% 32981Noncombatant: 32982 A dead Quaker. 32983 -- Ambrose Bierce 32984% 32985Non-Determinism is not meant to be reasonable. 32986 -- M.J. 0'Donnell 32987% 32988Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong. 32989% 32990None love the bearer of bad news. 32991 -- Sophocles 32992% 32993None of our men are "experts." We have most unfortunately found it necessary 32994to get rid of a man as soon as he thinks himself an expert -- because no one 32995ever considers himself expert if he really knows his job. A man who knows a 32996job sees so much more to be done than he has done, that he is always pressing 32997forward and never gives up an instant of thought to how good and how efficient 32998he is. Thinking always ahead, thinking always of trying to do more, brings a 32999state of mind in which nothing is impossible. The moment one gets into the 33000"expert" state of mind a great number of things become impossible. 33001 -- From Henry Ford Sr., "My Life and Work" 33002% 33003Nonsense. Space is blue and birds fly through it. 33004 -- Heisenberg 33005% 33006Nonsense and beauty have close connections. 33007 -- E.M. Forster 33008% 33009Noone ever built a statue to a critic. 33010% 33011No-one would remember the Good Samaritan if he had only had good 33012intentions. He had money as well. 33013 -- Margaret Thatcher 33014% 33015Norm: Gentlemen, start your taps. 33016 -- Cheers, The Coach's Daughter 33017 33018Coach: How's life treating you, Norm? 33019Norm: Like it caught me in bed with his wife. 33020 -- Cheers, Any Friend of Diane's 33021 33022Coach: How's life, Norm? 33023Norm: Not for the squeamish, Coach. 33024 -- Cheers, Friends, Romans, and Accountants 33025% 33026Norm: Hey, everybody. 33027All: [silence; everybody is mad at Norm for being rich.] 33028Norm: [Carries on both sides of the conversation himself.] 33029 Norm! (Norman.) 33030 How are you feeling today, Norm? 33031 Rich and thirsty. Pour me a beer. 33032 -- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash 33033 33034Woody: What's the latest, Mr. Peterson? 33035Norm: Zha-Zha marries a millionaire, Peterson drinks a beer. 33036 Film at eleven. 33037 -- Cheers, Knights of the Scimitar 33038 33039Woody: How are you today, Mr. Peterson? 33040Norm: Never been better, Woody. ... Just once I'd like to be better. 33041 -- Cheers, Chambers vs. Malone 33042% 33043[Norm comes in with an attractive woman.] 33044 33045Coach: Normie, Normie, could this be Vera? 33046Norm: With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe. 33047 -- Cheers, Norman's Conquest 33048 33049Coach: What's up, Normie? 33050Norm: The temperature under my collar, Coach. 33051 -- Cheers, I'll Be Seeing You (Part 2) 33052 33053Coach: What would you say to a nice beer, Normie? 33054Norm: Going down? 33055 -- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom 33056% 33057[Norm goes into the bar at Vic's Bowl-A-Rama.] 33058 33059Off-screen crowd: Norm! 33060Sam: How the hell do they know him here? 33061Cliff: He's got a life, you know. 33062 -- Cheers, From Beer to Eternity 33063 33064Woody: What can I do for you, Mr. Peterson? 33065Norm: Elope with my wife. 33066 -- Cheers, The Triangle 33067 33068Woody: How's life, Mr. Peterson? 33069Norm: Oh, I'm waiting for the movie. 33070 -- Cheers, Take My Shirt... Please? 33071% 33072[Norm is angry.] 33073 33074Woody: What can I get you, Mr. Peterson? 33075Norm: Clifford Clavin's head. 33076 -- Cheers, The Triangle 33077 33078Sam: Hey, what's happening, Norm? 33079Norm: Well, it's a dog-eat-dog world, Sammy, 33080 and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear. 33081 -- Cheers, The Peterson Principle 33082 33083Sam: How's life in the fast lane, Normie? 33084Norm: Beats me, I can't find the on-ramp. 33085 -- Cheers, Diane Chambers Day 33086% 33087[Norm returns from the hospital.] 33088 33089Coach: What's up, Norm? 33090Norm: Everything that's supposed to be. 33091 -- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom 33092 33093Sam: What's new, Normie? 33094Norm: Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach. 33095 They're demanding beer. 33096 -- Cheers, The Heart is a Lonely Snipehunter 33097 33098Coach: What'll it be, Normie? 33099Norm: Just the usual, Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel. 33100 -- Cheers, King of the Hill 33101% 33102[Norm tries to prove that he is not Anton Kreitzer.] 33103Norm: Afternoon, everybody! 33104All: Anton! 33105 -- Cheers, The Two Faces of Norm 33106 33107Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson? 33108Norm: A flashing sign in my gut that says, ``Insert beer here.'' 33109 -- Cheers, Call Me, Irresponsible 33110 33111Sam: What can I get you, Norm? 33112Norm: [scratching his beard] Got any flea powder? Ah, just kidding. 33113 Gimme a beer; I think I'll just drown the little suckers. 33114 -- Cheers, Two Girls for Every Boyd 33115% 33116Normal times may possibly be over forever. 33117% 33118Normally our rules are rigid; we tend to discretion, if for no other 33119reason than self-protection. We never recommend any of our graduates, 33120although we cheerfully provide information as to those who have failed 33121their courses. 33122 -- Jack Vance, "Freitzke's Turn" 33123% 33124Nostalgia is living life in the past lane. 33125% 33126Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be. 33127% 33128Not all men who drink are poets. 33129Some of us drink because we aren't poets. 33130% 33131Not all who own a harp are harpers. 33132 -- Marcus Terentius Varro 33133% 33134Not drinking, chasing women, or doing drugs won't 33135make you live longer -- it just seems that way. 33136% 33137Not every problem someone has with his girlfriend is necessarily due to 33138the capitalist mode of production. 33139 -- Herbert Marcuse 33140% 33141Not every question deserves an answer. 33142% 33143Not everything worth doing is worth doing well. 33144% 33145Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the 33146Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats 33147in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the 33148moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine, 33149a dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every 33150respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside 33151it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms, 33152then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they 33153chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine... 33154 -- Stanislaw Lem 33155% 33156Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is 33157ugly and the paper is from the wrong kind of tree. 33158 -- Professor, EECS, George Washington University 33159 33160I'm looking forward to working with you on this next year. 33161 -- Professor, Harvard, on a senior thesis. 33162% 33163Not only is UNIX dead, it's starting to smell really bad. 33164 -- Rob Pike 33165% 33166Not that we needed all that stuff, but when you get locked into a 33167serious drug collection the tendency is to push it as far as you can. 33168 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" 33169% 33170Not to laugh, not to lament, not to curse, but to understand. 33171 -- Spinoza 33172% 33173NOTE: No warranties, either express or implied, are hereby given. 33174All software is supplied as is, without guarantee. The user assumes 33175all responsibility for damages resulting from the use of these 33176features, including, but not limited to, frustration, disgust, system 33177abends, disk head-crashes, general malfeasance, floods, fires, shark 33178attack, nerve gas, locust infestation, cyclones, hurricanes, tsunamis, 33179local electromagnetic disruptions, hydraulic brake system failure, 33180invasion, hashing collisions, normal wear and tear of friction 33181surfaces, comic radiation, inadvertent destruction of sensitive 33182electronic components, windstorms, the Riders of Nazgul, infuriated 33183chickens, malfunctioning mechanical or electrical sexual devices, 33184premature activation of the distant early warning system, peasant 33185uprisings, halitosis, artillery bombardment, explosions, cave-ins, 33186and/or frogs falling from the sky. 33187% 33188Note to myself: use real bullets next time. 33189% 33190Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter of 33191wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund is 33192astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman -- 33193unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is careful 33194not to make any poultry jokes. 33195 -- Woody Allen 33196% 33197Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing. 33198 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 33199% 33200Nothing can be done in one trip. 33201 -- Snider 33202% 33203Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up. 33204% 33205Nothing endures but change. 33206 -- Heraclitus 33207 [Yeah, yeah, "Everything changes but change itself." --JFK Ed.] 33208% 33209Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced -- even a 33210proverb is no proverb to you till your life has illustrated it. 33211 -- John Keats 33212% 33213Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result. 33214 -- Winston Churchill 33215 33216Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as 33217satisfying as an income tax refund. 33218 -- F.J. Raymond 33219% 33220Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood. 33221% 33222Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses. 33223% 33224Nothing is as simple as it seems at first 33225 Or as hopeless as it seems in the middle 33226 Or as finished as it seems in the end. 33227% 33228Nothing is but what is not. 33229% 33230Nothing is ever a total loss; it can always serve as a bad example. 33231% 33232Nothing is faster than the speed of light. 33233 33234To prove this to yourself, try opening the 33235refrigerator door before the light comes on. 33236% 33237Nothing is finished until the paperwork is done. 33238% 33239Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it. 33240 -- Andrew Young 33241% 33242Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. 33243 -- A.H. Weiler 33244% 33245Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which 33246millionaires tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth. 33247 -- Nero Wolfe 33248% 33249Nothing is more quiet than the sound of hair going grey. 33250% 33251Nothing is rich but the inexhaustible wealth of nature. 33252She shows us only surfaces, but she is a million fathoms deep. 33253 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 33254% 33255Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know. 33256 -- Michel de Montaigne 33257% 33258Nothing is so often irretrievably missed as a daily opportunity. 33259 -- Ebner-Eschenbach 33260% 33261Nothing lasts forever. 33262Where do I find nothing? 33263% 33264Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute. 33265% 33266Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner. 33267Conscience makes egotists of us all. 33268 -- Oscar Wilde 33269% 33270Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all. 33271 -- Arthur Balfour 33272% 33273Nothing motivates a man more than to 33274see his boss put in an honest day's work. 33275% 33276Nothing, nothing, nothing, no error, no crime is so absolutely 33277repugnant to God as everything which is official; and why? because 33278the official is so impersonal and therefore the deepest insult 33279which can be offered to a personality. 33280 -- Soren Kierkegaard 33281% 33282Nothing recedes like success. 33283 -- Walter Winchell 33284% 33285Nothing shortens a journey so pleasantly as an account of misfortunes at 33286which the hearer is permitted to laugh. 33287 -- Quentin Crisp 33288% 33289Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits. 33290 -- Mark Twain 33291% 33292Nothing succeeds like excess. 33293 -- Oscar Wilde 33294% 33295Nothing succeeds like success. 33296 -- Alexandre Dumas 33297% 33298Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success. 33299 -- Christopher Lascl 33300% 33301Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love. 33302 -- Charlie Brown 33303% 33304Nothing that's forced can ever be right, 33305If it doesn't come naturally, leave it. 33306That's what she said as she turned out the light, 33307And we bent our backs as slaves of the night, 33308Then she lowered her guard and showed me the scars 33309She got from trying to fight 33310Saying, oh, you'd better believe it. 33311[...] 33312Well nothing that's real is ever for free 33313And you just have to pay for it sometime. 33314She said it before, she said it to me, 33315I suppose she believed there was nothing to see, 33316But the same old four imaginary walls 33317She'd built for livin' inside 33318I said oh, you just can't mean it. 33319[...] 33320Well nothing that's forced can ever be right, 33321If it doesn't come naturally, leave it. 33322That's what she said as she turned out the light, 33323And she may have been wrong, and she may have been right, 33324But I woke with the frost, and noticed she'd lost 33325The veil that covered her eyes, 33326I said oh, you can leave it. 33327 -- Al Stewart, "If It Doesn't Come Naturally, Leave It" 33328% 33329Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee. 33330 -- Kim Hubbard 33331% 33332Nothing will ever be attempted 33333if all possible objections must be first overcome. 33334 -- Dr. Johnson 33335% 33336NOTICE: 33337 Anyone seen smoking will be assumed to be on fire and will 33338 be summarily put out. 33339% 33340NOTICE: 33341 33342-- THE ELEVATORS WILL BE OUT OF ORDER TODAY -- 33343 33344(The nearest working elevator is in the building across the street.) 33345% 33346Nouvelle cuisine, n: 33347 French for "not enough food". 33348 33349Continental breakfast, n: 33350 English for "not enough food". 33351 33352Tapas, n: 33353 Spanish for "not enough food". 33354 33355Dim Sum, n: 33356 Chinese for more food than you've ever seen in your entire life. 33357% 33358November: 33359 The eleventh twelfth of a weariness. 33360% 33361Novinson's Revolutionary Discovery: 33362 33363 When comes the revolution, things will be different -- 33364 not better, just different. 33365% 33366Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature. 33367% 33368Now hatred is by far the longest pleasure; 33369Men love in haste, but they detest at leisure. 33370 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan" 33371% 33372Now I lay me back to sleep. 33373The speaker's dull; the subject's deep. 33374If he should stop before I wake, 33375Give me a nudge for goodness' sake. 33376 -- Anonymous 33377% 33378Now I lay me down to sleep 33379I pray the double lock will keep; 33380May no brick through the window break, 33381And, no one rob me till I awake. 33382% 33383Now I lay me down to sleep, 33384I pray the Lord my soul to keep, 33385If I should die before I wake, 33386I'll cry in anguish, "Mistake!! Mistake!!" 33387% 33388Now I lay me down to study, 33389I pray the Lord I won't go nutty. 33390And if I fail to learn this junk, 33391I pray the Lord that I won't flunk. 33392But if I do, don't pity me at all, 33393Just lay my bones in the study hall. 33394Tell my teacher I've done my best, 33395Then pile my books upon my chest. 33396% 33397Now is the time for all good men to come to. 33398 -- Walt Kelly 33399% 33400Now is the time for drinking; 33401now the time to beat the earth with unfettered foot. 33402 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 33403% 33404Now it's time to say goodbye 33405To all our company... 33406M-I-C (see you next week!) 33407K-E-Y (Why? Because we LIKE you!) 33408M-O-U-S-E. 33409% 33410Now of my threescore years and ten, 33411Twenty will not come again, 33412And take from seventy springs a score, 33413It leaves me only fifty more. 33414 33415And since to look at things in bloom 33416Fifty springs are little room, 33417About the woodlands I will go 33418To see the cherry hung with snow. 33419 -- A.E. Housman 33420% 33421Now that day wearies me, 33422My yearning desire 33423Will receive more kindly, 33424Like a tired child, the starry night. 33425 33426Hands, leave off your deeds, 33427Mind, forget all thoughts; 33428All of my forces 33429Yearn only to sink into sleep. 33430 33431And my soul, unguarded, 33432Would soar on widespread wings, 33433To live in night's magical sphere 33434More profoundly, more variously. 33435 -- Hermann Hesse, "Going to Sleep" 33436% 33437Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next time 33438some housewife or boutique owner turned diet expert appears on TV to plug 33439her latest book. And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for eating coffee 33440cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself the following questions: 33441 334421: Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a food? 334432: Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich 33444 exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me? 334453: Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as prescribed... 33446 without French-fried onion rings, pizza with double cheese, or the 33447 occasional Mai-Tai? (Remember, living right doesn't really make 33448 you live longer, it just *seems* like longer.) 33449 33450That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick. 33451% 33452Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called 33453Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that 33454were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST... 33455% 33456Now there's a violent movie titled, "The Croquet Homicide," 33457or "Murder With Mallets Aforethought." 33458 -- Shelby Friedman, WSJ. 33459% 33460Now there's three things you can do in a baseball game: 33461you can win or you can lose or it can rain. 33462 -- Casey Stengel 33463% 33464Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to get it 33465over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in the mall, 33466the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs on the mall 33467public-address system, and many of these songs can damage children 33468emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a snowman who 33469befriends some children, plays with them until they learn to love him, then 33470melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about a young reindeer who, 33471because of a physical deformity, is treated as an outcast by the other 33472reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does he ignore the deformity? 33473Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect Rudolph for the sensitive 33474reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as 33475if Rudolph were nothing more than some kind of headlight with legs and a 33476tail. So unless you want your children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, 33477you should shop quickly. 33478 -- Dave Barry 33479% 33480Nowlan's Theory: 33481 He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from 33482 the next freeway exit. 33483% 33484Now's the time to have some big ideas 33485Now's the time to make some firm decisions 33486We saw the Buddha in a bar down south 33487Talking politics and nuclear fission 33488We see him and he's all washed up -- 33489Moving on into the body of a beetle 33490Getting ready for a long long crawl 33491He ain't nothing -- he ain't nothing at all... 33492 33493Death and Money make their point once more 33494In the shape of Philosophical assassins 33495Mark and Danny take the bus uptown 33496Deadly angels for reality and passion 33497Have the courage of the here and now 33498Don't taking nothing from the half-baked buddhas 33499When you think you got it paid in full 33500You got nothing -- you got nothing at all... 33501 We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha. 33502 We know his name and he mustn't get away. 33503 We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha. 33504 It would take one shot -- to blow him away... 33505 -- Shriekback, "Gunning for the Buddah" 33506% 33507Nuclear powered vacuum cleaners will probably be a reality within 10 years. 33508 -- Alex Lewyt (President of the Lewyt Corporation, 33509 manufacturers of vacuum cleaners), quoted in The New York 33510 Times, June 10, 1955. 33511% 33512[Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable. 33513 -- Edwin Meese III 33514% 33515Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of 33516normal routines, for children and adults alike. 33517 -- Willard F. Libby, "You Can Survive Atomic Attack" 33518% 33519Nudists are people who wear one-button suits. 33520% 33521Nuke the unborn gay female whales for Jesus. 33522% 33523Nuke them till they glow, then shoot them in the dark. 33524% 33525(null cookie; hope that's ok) 33526% 33527Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit. 33528 -- Seneca 33529% 33530Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're guessing. 33531% 33532Nurse Donna: Oh, Groucho, I'm afraid I'm gonna wind up an old maid. 33533Groucho: Well, bring her in and we'll wind her up together. 33534Nurse Donna: Do you believe in computer dating? 33535Groucho: Only if the computers really love each other. 33536% 33537Nusbaum's Rule: 33538 The more pretentious the corporate name, the smaller the 33539 organization. (For instance, the Murphy Center for the 33540 Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted 33541 to IBM, GM, and AT&T.) 33542% 33543O! If I were a fish 33544I'd lay hap'ly on my dish. 33545Yes, that's my one and only wish -- 33546To be a fish! 33547 33548For fish don't ever mish; 33549They needn't flush after they pish! 33550Yes, and life's just swish, swish, swish, 33551For all the fish!!! 33552% 33553O give me a home, 33554Where the buffalo roam, 33555Where the deer and the antelope play, 33556Where seldom is heard 33557A discouraging word, 33558'Cause what can an antelope say? 33559% 33560O imitators, you slavish herd! 33561 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 33562% 33563O, it is excellent 33564To have a giant's strength; but it is tyrannous 33565To use it like a giant. 33566 -- Shakespeare, "Measure for Measure", II, 2 33567% 33568O Lord, grant that we may always be right, 33569for Thou knowest we will never change our minds. 33570% 33571O love, could thou and I with fate conspire 33572To grasp this sorry scheme of things entire, 33573Might we not smash it to bits 33574And mould it closer to our hearts' desire? 33575 -- Omar Khayyam, tr. FitzGerald 33576% 33577Oatmeal raisin. 33578% 33579Objects are lost only because people 33580look where they are not rather than where they are. 33581% 33582O'Brian's Law: 33583 Everything is always done for the wrong reasons. 33584% 33585O'Brien held up his left hand, its back toward Winston, with the 33586thumb hidden and the four fingers extended. 33587 "How many fingers am I holding up, Winston?" 33588 "Four." 33589 "And if the Party says that it is not four but five -- 33590 then how many?" 33591 "Four." 33592 The word ended in a gasp of pain. 33593 -- George Orwell 33594% 33595Observe yon plumed biped fine. 33596To activate its captivation, 33597Deposit on its termination, 33598A quantity of particles saline. 33599% 33600Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off your goal. 33601% 33602"Obviously, a major malfunction has occurred." 33603 -- Steve Nesbitt, voice of Mission Control, January 28, 33604 1986, as the shuttle Challenger exploded within view 33605 of the grandstands. 33606% 33607Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide. 33608% 33609OCCAM'S ERASER: 33610 The philosophical principle that even the simplest 33611 solution is bound to have something wrong with it. 33612% 33613OCCIDENT: 33614 The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is 33615 largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the 33616 Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, 33617 which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, 33618 are the principal industries of the Orient. 33619 -- Ambrose Bierce 33620% 33621OCEAN: 33622 A body of water occupying about two-thirds 33623 of a world made for man -- who has no gills. 33624% 33625Odets, where is thy sting? 33626 -- George S. Kaufman 33627% 33628Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal. 33629% 33630Of all men's miseries, the bitterest is this: 33631to know so much and have control over nothing. 33632 -- Herodotus 33633% 33634Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable. 33635 -- Plato 33636% 33637Of all the words of witch's doom 33638There's none so bad as which and whom. 33639The man who kills both which and whom 33640Will be enshrined in our Who's Whom. 33641 -- Fletcher Knebel 33642% 33643Of all things man is the measure. 33644 -- Protagoras 33645% 33646Of course a platonic relationship is possible -- but only between 33647husband and wife. 33648% 33649Of course it's possible to love a human being 33650if you don't know them too well. 33651 -- Charles Bukowski 33652% 33653Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power 33654tools aren't soluble in alcohol... 33655 -- Crazy Nigel 33656% 33657Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy. 33658% 33659Of course you can't flap your arms and fly to the moon. 33660After awhile you'd run out of air to push against. 33661% 33662Of course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose. 33663% 33664Of what you see in books, believe 75%. Of newspapers, believe 50%. And of 33665TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a blazer. 33666% 33667Office Automation: 33668 The use of computers to improve efficiency in the office 33669 by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee. 33670% 33671Official Project Stages: 33672 1. Uncritical Acceptance 33673 2. Wild Enthusiasm 33674 3. Dejected Disillusionment 33675 4. Total Confusion 33676 5. Search for the Guilty 33677 6. Punishment of the Innocent 33678 7. Promotion of the Non-participants 33679% 33680Often statistics are used as a drunken man uses 33681lampposts -- for support rather than illumination. 33682% 33683Often things ARE as bad as they seem! 33684% 33685Ogden's Law: 33686 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up. 33687% 33688Oh, Aunty Em, it's so good to be home! 33689% 33690Oh, by the way, which one's Pink? 33691 -- Pink Floyd 33692% 33693Oh don't the days seem lank and long 33694When all goes right and none goes wrong, 33695And isn't your life extremely flat 33696With nothing whatever to grumble at! 33697% 33698Oh Father, my Father, Oh what must I do? 33699They're burning our streets and beating me blue. 33700"Listen my son, I'll tell you the truth: 33701Get a close haircut and spit-shine your shoes." 33702 33703Oh Mother, my Mother, my confusions remove, 33704I long to embrace her whose hair is so smooth. 33705"Now listen my son, although you're confused, 33706Cut your hair close and shine all your shoes." 33707 33708Oh Teacher, my Teacher, your life with me share. 33709What books ought I read? What thoughts do I dare? 33710"Oh Student, my Student, of dissent you beware. 33711Shine those dull shoes and cut short your hair." 33712 33713Oh Preacher, my Preacher, does God really care? 33714Are all races equal? Are laws just and fair? 33715"Boy -- here's the answer, no need to despair: 33716Shine those new shoes and cut short that hair." 33717% 33718Oh freddled gruntbuggly, thy micturations are to me 33719As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee. 33720Groop I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes, 33721And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles, 33722Or I will rend thee in the goblerwarts with my blurglecruncheon, 33723 see if I don't. 33724 -- Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz 33725% 33726Oh, give me a home, 33727Where the buffalo roam, 33728And I'll show you a house with a really messy kitchen. 33729% 33730Oh, give me a locus where the gravitons focus 33731 Where the three-body problem is solved, 33732 Where the microwaves play down at three degrees K, 33733 And the cold virus never evolved. (chorus) 33734We eat algea pie, our vacuum is high, 33735 Our ball bearings are perfectly round. 33736 Our horizon is curved, our warheads are MIRVed, 33737 And a kilogram weighs half a pound. (chorus) 33738If we run out of space for our burgeoning race 33739 No more Lebensraum left for the Mensch 33740 When we're ready to start, we can take Mars apart, 33741 If we just find a big enough wrench. (chorus) 33742I'm sick of this place, it's just McDonald's in space, 33743 And living up here is a bore. 33744 Tell the shiggies, "Don't cry," they can kiss me goodbye 33745 'Cause I'm moving next week to L4! (chorus) 33746 33747CHORUS: Home, home on LaGrange, 33748 Where the space debris always collects, 33749 We possess, so it seems, two of Man's greatest dreams: 33750 Solar power and zero-gee sex. 33751 -- to Home on the Range 33752% 33753Oh give me your pity! 33754I'm on a committee, We attend and amend 33755Which means that from morning And contend and defend 33756 to night, Without a conclusion in sight. 33757 33758We confer and concur, 33759We defer and demur, We revise the agenda 33760And reiterate all of our thoughts. With frequent addenda 33761 And consider a load of reports. 33762 33763We compose and propose, 33764We suppose and oppose, But though various notions 33765And the points of procedure are fun; Are brought up as motions, 33766 There's terribly little gets done. 33767 33768We resolve and absolve; 33769But we never dissolve, 33770Since it's out of the question for us 33771To bring our committee 33772To end like this ditty, 33773Which stops with a period, thus. 33774 -- Leslie Lipson, "The Committee" 33775% 33776"Oh, he [a big dog] hunts with papa," she said. "He says Don Carlos [the 33777dog] is good for almost every kind of game. He went duck hunting one time 33778and did real well at it. Then Papa bought some ducks, not wild ducks but, 33779you know, farm ducks. And it got Don Carlos all mixed up. Since the 33780ducks were always around the yard with nobody shooting at them he knew he 33781wasn't supposed to kill them, but he had to do something. So one morning 33782last spring, when the ground was still soft, he took all the ducks and 33783buried them." "What do you mean, buried them?" "Oh, he didn't hurt them. 33784He dug little holes all over the yard and picked up the ducks in his mouth 33785and put them in the holes. Then he covered them up with mud except for 33786their heads. He did thirteen ducks that way and was digging a hole for 33787another one when Tony found him. We talked about it for a long time. Papa 33788said Don Carlos was afraid the ducks might run away, and since he didn't 33789know how to build a cage he put them in holes. He's a smart dog." 33790 -- R. Bradford, "Red Sky At Morning" 33791% 33792Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay 33793 I muck with indices and structs all day 33794And when it works, I shout hoo-ray 33795 Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay 33796% 33797Oh, I am just a typical American boy 33798From a typical American town. 33799I believe in God and Senator Dodd 33800And keeping old Castro down. 33801And when it came my time to serve 33802I knew better dead than red, 33803But when I got to my old draft board, 33804Buddy this is what I said: 33805 33806Sarge I'm only 18, I got a ruptured spleen 33807And I always carry a purse; 33808I got eyes like a bat and my feet are flat 33809And my asthma's getting worse. 33810Yes, think of my career and my sweetheart dear 33811And my poor old invalid aunt; 33812Besides I ain't no fool I'm going to school 33813And I'm working in a defense plant. 33814 -- Phil Ochs, "Draft Dodger Rag" 33815% 33816Oh, I could while away the hours, 33817Smoking herbs and flowers, 33818Shooting up my veins, 33819 De-dum, De-dum, De-dum 33820Tell you, I've been a-thinkin' 33821I could drive a shiny Lincoln, 33822If I dealt in good cocaine. 33823 -- To If I Only Had A Brain from "The Wizard of Oz" 33824% 33825Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd 33826be irresponsible, too. 33827 -- Lichty & Wagner 33828% 33829Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth, 33830And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings; 33831Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth 33832Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things 33833You have not dreamed of -- 33834Wheeled and soared and swung 33835High in the sunlit silence. 33836Hovering there 33837I've chased the shouting wind along and flung 33838My eager craft through footless halls of air. 33839Up, up along delirious, burning blue 33840I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace, 33841Where never lark, or even eagle flew; 33842And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod 33843The high untrespassed sanctity of space, 33844Put out my hand, and touched the face of God. 33845 -- John Gillespie Magee Jr., "High Flight" 33846% 33847Oh I'm just a typical American boy 33848From a typical American town. 33849I believe in God and Senator Dodd 33850And keeping old Castro down. 33851And when it came my time to serve 33852I knew "Better Dead Than Red", 33853But when I got to my old draft board, 33854Buddy, this is what I said: 33855 33856Chorus: 33857 Sarge, I'm only eighteen, I've got a ruptured spleen, 33858 And I always carry a purse! 33859 I've got eyes like a bat and my feet are flat, 33860 And my asthma's getting worse! 33861 Yes, think of my career and my sweetheart dear, 33862 And my poor old invalid aunt! 33863 Besides I ain't no fool, I'm a-going to school 33864 And I'm a-working in a defense plant! 33865 -- Phil Ochs, "Draft Dodger Rag" 33866% 33867Oh Lord, won't you buy me a 4BSD? 33868My friends all got sources, so why can't I see? 33869Come all you moby hackers, come sing it out with me: 33870To hell with the lawyers from AT&T! 33871% 33872Oh, love is real enough, you will find it some day, but it has one 33873arch-enemy -- and that is life. 33874 -- Jean Anouilh, "Ardele" 33875% 33876Oh, my friend, it is not what they take away from you that counts -- 33877it's what you do with what you have left. 33878 -- Hubert H. Humphrey 33879% 33880Oh, so there you are! 33881% 33882Oh, the Slithery Dee, he crawled out of the sea. 33883He may catch all the others, but he won't catch me. 33884No, he won't catch me, stupid ol' Slithery Dee. 33885He may catch all the others, but AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!! 33886 -- The Smothers Brothers 33887% 33888Oh this age! How tasteless and ill-bred it is. 33889 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus 33890% 33891Oh wearisome condition of humanity! 33892Born under one law, to another bound. 33893 -- Fulke Greville, Lord Brooke 33894% 33895Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes. 33896% 33897Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive. 33898 -- Shakespeare 33899% 33900Oh, when I was in love with you, 33901 Then I was clean and brave, 33902And miles around the wonder grew 33903 How well did I behave. 33904 33905And now the fancy passes by, 33906 And nothing will remain, 33907And miles around they'll say that I 33908 Am quite myself again. 33909 -- A.E. Housman 33910% 33911Oh, wow! Look at the moon! 33912% 33913Oh, ya doesn't have ta call me 'Johnson'! Well, you can call me 'Ray', or 33914you can call me 'Jay', or you can call me 'R.J.', or you can call me 'Ray 33915J.', or you can call me 'R.J.J.', or you can call me 'Ray J. Johnson', or 33916you can call me 'R.J. Johnson', but ya DOESN'T have to call me 'Johnson'... 33917% 33918Oh yeah? Well, I remember when sex was dirty and the air was clean. 33919% 33920Oh, yeah, life goes on, long after the thrill of livin' is gone. 33921 -- John Cougar, "Jack and Diane" 33922% 33923O.K., fine. 33924% 33925Okay, Okay -- I admit it. You didn't change that program that worked 33926just a little while ago; I inserted some random characters into the 33927executable. Please forgive me. You can recover the file by typing in 33928the code over again, since I also removed the source. 33929% 33930Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill. 33931% 33932Old age is always fifteen years old than I am. 33933 -- B. Baruch 33934% 33935Old age is the harbor of all ills. 33936 -- Bion 33937% 33938Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man. 33939 -- Trotsky 33940% 33941Old age is too high a price to pay for maturity. 33942% 33943Old Grandad is dead but his spirits live on. 33944% 33945Old Japanese proverb: 33946 There are two kinds of fools -- those who never climb Mt. Fuji, 33947and those who climb it twice. 33948% 33949Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement. 33950% 33951Old mail has arrived. 33952% 33953Old men are fond of giving good advice to console 33954themselves for their inability to set a bad example. 33955 -- La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims" 33956% 33957Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard 33958To fetch her poor daughter a dress. 33959When she got there, the cupboard was bare 33960And so was her daughter, I guess... 33961% 33962Old musicians never die, they just decompose. 33963% 33964Old programmers never die, they just become managers. 33965% 33966Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address. 33967% 33968Old programmers never die, they just hit account block limit. 33969% 33970Old soldiers never die. Young ones do. 33971% 33972Old timer, n: 33973 One who remembers when charity was a virtue and not an organization. 33974% 33975Oliver's Law: 33976 Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 33977% 33978omnibiblious, adj.: 33979 Indifferent to type of drink. Ex: "Oh, you can get me anything. 33980 I'm omnibiblious." 33981% 33982On a clear day, U.C.L.A. 33983% 33984On a clear disk you can seek forever. 33985 -- P. Denning 33986% 33987On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague: 33988 33989"This isn't right. This isn't even wrong." 33990 -- Wolfgang Pauli 33991% 33992On a tous un peu peur de l'amour, mais on 33993a surtout peur de souffrir ou de faire souffrir. 33994 33995[One is always a little afraid of love, but 33996above all, one is afraid of pain or causing pain.] 33997% 33998On ability: 33999 A dwarf is small, even if he stands on a mountain top; 34000 a colossus keeps his height, even if he stands in a well. 34001 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca, 4BC - 65AD 34002% 34003On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only 34004nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter 34005what it does. 34006 -- Will Rogers 34007% 34008On account of us being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only 34009nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter 34010what it does. 34011 -- The Best of Will Rogers 34012% 34013On his way back from work, a driver came upon a horrible wreck in which one 34014car looked exactly like his neighbor's. Stopping hurriedly on the side of 34015the road, he ran toward the smoldering debris. 34016 "Listen, mister," a policeman said, holding him back, "I can't let 34017you come any closer." 34018 "But that may be my friend, Henry, in there," the anguished man 34019explained. 34020 "OK, but it's pretty grisly," the cop cautioned. "There was a 34021decapitation." 34022 The policeman reached into the back seat of the demolished car and 34023pulled forth the head, holding it at arm's length. "Is this your friend?" 34024 "That's not him -- thank heavens," the man said. "Henry's much 34025taller." 34026% 34027On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the 34028proposition that all men are created jerks. 34029 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow" 34030% 34031On Thanksgiving Day all over America, families sit down to dinner at the 34032same moment -- halftime. 34033% 34034On the eighth day, God created FORTRAN. 34035% 34036On the night before her family moved from Kansas to California, the little 34037girl knelt by her bed to say her prayers. "God bless Mommy and Daddy and 34038Keith and Kim," she said. As she began to get up, she quickly added, "Oh, 34039and God, this is goodbye. We're moving to Hollywood." 34040% 34041On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without 34042a purpose, but never without a POINT. 34043% 34044On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia. 34045 -- W.C. Fields' epitaph 34046% 34047On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], "Pray, Mr. 34048Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers 34049come out?" I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of 34050ideas that could provoke such a question. 34051 -- Charles Babbage 34052% 34053Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, 34054and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days. 34055 -- W.C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee" 34056% 34057Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled. 34058 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 34059% 34060Once, adv.: Enough. 34061% 34062Once again dread deed is done. 34063Canon sleeps, 34064his all-knowing eye shaded 34065to human chance and circumstance. 34066Peace reigns anew o'er Pine Valley, 34067but Canon's sleep is troubled. 34068 34069Beware, scant days past the Ides of July. 34070Impatient hands wait eagerly 34071to grasp, to hold 34072scant moments of time 34073wrested from life in the full 34074glory of Canon's power; 34075held captive by his unblinking eye. 34076 34077Three golden orbs stand watch; 34078one each to toll the day, hour, minute 34079until predestiny decrees his reawakening. 34080When that feared moment arrives, 34081"Ask not for whom the bell tolls, 34082It tolls for thee." 34083 -- "I extended the loan on your Camera, at the Pine 34084 Valley Pawn Shop today" 34085% 34086Once Again From the Top 34087 34088Correction notice in the Miami Herald: "Last Sunday, The Herald erroneously 34089reported that original Dolphin Johnny Holmes had been an insurance salesman 34090in Raleigh, North Carolina, that he had won the New York lottery in 1982 and 34091lost the money in a land swindle, that he had been charged with vehicular 34092homicide, but acquitted because his mother said she drove the car, and that 34093he stated that the funniest thing he ever saw was Flipper spouting water on 34094George Wilson. Each of these items was erroneous material published 34095inadvertently. He was not an insurance salesman in Raleigh, did not win the 34096lottery, neither he nor his mother was charged or involved in any way with 34097vehicular homicide, and he made no comment about Flipper or George Wilson. 34098The Herald regrets the errors." 34099 -- "The Progressive", March, 1987 34100% 34101Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each 34102of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. 34103 In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians 34104called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka" and 34105went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing 34106each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy Hanukka!" 34107or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!" 34108... 34109 Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you 34110with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday shoppers 34111have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday advertisements, and 34112they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a shopping bag. If your 34113children object to being tied, threaten to take them to see Santa Claus; 34114that ought to shut them up. 34115 -- Dave Barry 34116% 34117Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, 34118that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". Disraeli 34119replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your principals or your 34120mistress". 34121% 34122Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it. 34123 -- Homer 34124% 34125Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his 34126roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the 34127forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind 34128the railroad yards." 34129 -- H.L. Mencken, writing of William Jennings Bryan, 34130 counsel for the supporters of Tennessee's anti-evolution 34131 law at the Scopes "Monkey Trial" in 1925. 34132% 34133Once I finally figured out all of life's 34134answers, they changed the questions. 34135% 34136Once, I read that a man be never stronger 34137than when he truly realizes how weak he is. 34138 -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel #31" 34139% 34140Once is happenstance, 34141Twice is coincidence, 34142Three times is enemy action. 34143 -- Auric Goldfinger 34144% 34145Once it hits the fan, the only rational choice is to 34146sweep it up, package it, and sell it as fertilizer. 34147% 34148Once Law was sitting on the bench 34149 And Mercy knelt a-weeping. 34150"Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench! 34151 Nor come before me creeping. 34152Upon your knees if you appear, 34153'Tis plain you have no standing here." 34154 34155Then Justice came. His Honor cried: 34156 "YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!" 34157"Amica curiae," she replied -- 34158 "Friend of the court, so please you." 34159"Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door -- 34160I never saw your face before!" 34161% 34162Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings 34163infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can 34164grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it 34165possible for each to see each other whole against the sky. 34166 -- Rainer Rilke 34167% 34168Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in. 34169 -- H.R. Haldeman 34170% 34171Once there was a little nerd who loved to read your mail, 34172And then yank back the i-access times to get hackers off his tail, 34173And once as he finished reading from the secretary's spool, 34174He wrote a rude rejection to her boyfriend (how uncool!) 34175And this as delivermail did work and he ran his backfstat, 34176He heard an awful crackling like rat fritters in hot fat, 34177And hard errors brought the system down 'fore he could even shout! 34178 And the bio bug'll bring yours down too, ef you don't watch out! 34179And once they was a little flake who'd prowl through the uulog, 34180And when he went to his blit that night to play at being god, 34181The ops all heard him holler, and they to the console dashed, 34182But when they did a ps -ut they found the system crashed! 34183Oh, the wizards adb'd the dumps and did the system trace, 34184And worked on the file system 'til the disk head was hot paste, 34185But all they ever found was this: "panic: never doubt", 34186 And the bio bug'll crash your box too, ef you don't watch out! 34187When the day is done and the moon comes out, 34188And you hear the printer whining and the rk's seems to count, 34189When the other desks are empty and their terminals glassy grey, 34190And the load is only 1.6 and you wonder if it'll stay, 34191You must mind the file protections and not snoop around, 34192 Or the bio bug'll getcha and bring the system down! 34193% 34194Once there was this conductor see, who had a bass problem. You see, during 34195a portion of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony in which there are no bass violin 34196parts, one of the bassists always passed a bottle of scotch around. So, 34197to remind himself that the basses usually required an extra cue towards the 34198end of the symphony, the conductor would fasten a piece of string around the 34199page of the score before the bass cue. As the basses grew more and more 34200inebriated, two of them fell asleep. The conductor grew quite nervous (he 34201was very concerned about the pitch) because it was the bottom of the ninth; 34202the score was tied and the basses were loaded with two out. 34203% 34204Once upon a time there... 34205% 34206Once upon a time there was a kingdom ruled by a great bear. The peasants 34207were not very rich, and one of the few ways to become at all wealthy was 34208to become a Royal Knight. This required an interview with the bear. If 34209the bear liked you, you were knighted on the spot. If not, the bear would 34210just as likely remove your head with one swat of a paw. However, the family 34211of these unfortunate would-be knights was compensated with a beautiful 34212sheepdog from the royal kennels, which was itself a fairly valuable 34213possession. And the moral of the story is: 34214 34215The mourning after a terrible knight, nothing beats the dog of the bear that 34216hit you. 34217% 34218Once upon this midnight incoherent, 34219While you pondered sentient and crystalline, 34220Over many a broken and subordinate 34221Volume of gnarly lore, 34222While I pestered, nearly singing, 34223Suddenly there came a hewing, 34224As of someone profusely skulking, 34225Skulking at my chamber door. 34226% 34227Once you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all. 34228% 34229Once you've tried to change the world you find 34230it's a whole bunch easier to change your mind. 34231% 34232"One Architecture, One OS" also translates as "One Egg, One Basket". 34233% 34234One Bell System - it sometimes works. 34235% 34236One Bell System - it used to work before they installed the Dimension! 34237% 34238One Bell System - it works. 34239% 34240One big pile is better than two little piles. 34241 -- Arlo Guthrie 34242% 34243One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar. 34244 -- Helen Keller 34245% 34246One can search the brain with a microscope and not find the 34247mind, and can search the stars with a telescope and not find God. 34248 -- J. Gustav White 34249% 34250One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing 34251how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette. 34252% 34253One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means. 34254% 34255One could not be a successful scientist without realizing that, in contrast 34256to the popular conception supported by newspapers and mothers of scientists, 34257a goodly number of scientists are not only narrow-minded and dull, but also 34258just stupid. 34259 -- J.D. Watson, "The Double Helix" 34260% 34261One day an elderly Jewish Pole, living in Warsaw, finds an old lamp in his 34262attic. He starts to polish it and (poof!) a genie appears in cloud of smoke. 34263 "Greetings, Mortal!" exclaims the genie, stretching and yawning, "For 34264releasing me I will grant you three wishes." 34265 The old man thinks for a moment, then replies, "I want Genghis Khan 34266resurrected. I want him to re-unite the Mongol hordes, march to the Polish 34267border, decide he doesn't want to invade, and march back home." 34268 "No sooner said than done!" thunders the genie. "Your second wish?" 34269 "Hmmmm. I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite the 34270Mongol hordes, march to the Polish border, decide he doesn't want to invade, 34271and march back home." 34272 "But... well, all right! Your third wish?" 34273 "I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite his ---" 34274 "OKOKOKOK! Right. Got it. Why do you want Genghis Khan to march 34275to Poland three times and never invade?" 34276 The old man smiles. "He has to pass through Russia six times." 34277% 34278One day President Reagan, Chairman Brezhnev, the Pope, and a boy scout were 34279flying together in an airplane. Right out in the middle of nowhere the plane 34280developed engine trouble and started to go down. Unfortunately, only three 34281parachutes could be found for the four passengers! Brezhnev grabbed one of 34282the parachutes and declared "Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers 34283revolution, my life must be spared." And he jumped out of the plane. Then 34284Reagan exclaimed "As leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the 34285world safe for democracy." And with that he too jumped to safety. Now if 34286you are following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that 34287there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers. The Pope 34288looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and productive 34289life, my son. You take the parachute and leave me in God's hands." "That's 34290very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but there is no need. Reagan 34291just jumped out with my knapsack." 34292% 34293One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell the 34294truth. A gallows was erected in front of the city gates. A herald announced, 34295"Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to a question 34296which will be put to him." Nasrudin was first in line. The captain of the 34297guard asked him, "Where are you going? Tell the truth -- the alternative 34298is death by hanging." 34299 "I am going," said Nasrudin, "to be hanged on that gallows." 34300 "I don't believe you." 34301 "Very well, if I have told a lie, then hang me!" 34302 "But that would make it the truth!" 34303 "Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth." 34304% 34305One day this guy is finally fed up with his middle-class existence and 34306decides to do something about it. He calls up his best friend, who is a 34307mathematical genius. "Look," he says, "do you suppose you could find some 34308way mathematically of guaranteeing winning at the race track? We could 34309make a lot of money and retire and enjoy life." The mathematician thinks 34310this over a bit and walks away mumbling to himself. 34311 A week later his friend drops by to ask the genius if he's had any 34312success. The genius, looking a little bleary-eyed, replies, "Well, yes, 34313actually I do have an idea, and I'm reasonably sure that it will work, but 34314there a number of details to be figured out. 34315 After the second week the mathematician appears at his friend's house, 34316looking quite a bit rumpled, and announces, "I think I've got it! I still have 34317some of the theory to work out, but now I'm certain that I'm on the right 34318track." 34319 At the end of the third week the mathematician wakes his friend by 34320pounding on his door at three in the morning. He has dark circles under his 34321eyes. His hair hasn't been combed for many days. He appears to be wearing 34322the same clothes as the last time. He has several pencils sticking out from 34323behind his ears and an almost maniacal expression on his face. "WE CAN DO 34324IT! WE CAN DO IT!!" he shrieks. "I have discovered the perfect solution!! 34325And it's so EASY! First, we assume that horses are perfect spheres in simple 34326harmonic motion..." 34327% 34328One day, 34329A mad meta-poet, 34330With nothing to say, 34331Wrote a mad meta-poem 34332That started: "One day, 34333A mad meta-poet, 34334With nothing to say, 34335Wrote a mad meta-poem 34336That started: "One day, 34337[...] 34338sort of close". 34339Were the words that the poet, 34340Finally chose, 34341To bring his mad poem, 34342To some sort of close". 34343Were the words that the poet, 34344Finally chose, 34345To bring his mad poem, 34346To some sort of close". 34347% 34348One difference between a man and a machine 34349is that a machine is quiet when well oiled. 34350% 34351One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you. 34352 -- Larry Gelbart 34353% 34354One dusty July afternoon, somewhere around the turn of the century, Patrick 34355Malone was in Mulcahey's Bar, bending an elbow with the other street car 34356conductors from the Brooklyn Traction Company. While they were discussing the 34357merits of a local ring hero, the bar goes silent. Malone turns around to see 34358his wife, with a face grim as death, stalking to the bar. 34359 Slapping a four-bit piece down on the bar, she draws herself up to her 34360full five feet five inches and says to Mulcahey, "Give me what himself has 34361been havin' all these years." 34362 Mulcahey looks at Malone, who shrugs, and then back at Margaret Mary 34363Malone. He sets out a glass and pours her a triple shot of Rye. The bar is 34364totally silent as they watch the woman pick up the glass and knock back the 34365drink. She slams the glass down on the bar, gasps, shudders slightly, and 34366passes out; falling straight back, stiff as a board, saved from sudden contact 34367with the barroom floor by the ample belly of Seamus Fogerty. 34368 Sometime later, she comes to on the pool table, a jacket under her 34369head. Her bloodshot eyes fell upon her husband, who says, "And all these 34370years you've been thinkin' I've been enjoying meself." 34371% 34372One expresses well the love he does not feel. 34373 -- J.A. Karr 34374% 34375One family builds a wall, two families enjoy it. 34376% 34377One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters. 34378 -- George Herbert 34379% 34380One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly possible. 34381Friendship needs a certain parallelism of life, a community of thought, 34382a rivalry of aim. 34383 -- Henry Brook Adams 34384% 34385One girl can be pretty -- but a dozen are only a chorus. 34386 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Last Tycoon" 34387% 34388One good reason why computers can do more work than 34389people is that they never have to stop and answer the phone. 34390% 34391One good suit is worth a thousand resumes. 34392% 34393One good thing about music, 34394Well, it helps you feel no pain. 34395So hit me with music; 34396Hit me with music now. 34397 -- Bob Marley, "Trenchtown Rock" 34398% 34399One good turn asketh another. 34400 -- John Heywood 34401% 34402One good turn deserves another. 34403 -- Gaius Petronius 34404% 34405One good turn usually gets most of the blanket. 34406% 34407One has to look out for engineers -- they begin with sewing machines 34408and end up with the atomic bomb. 34409 -- Marcel Pagnol 34410% 34411One hundred women are not worth a single testicle. 34412 -- Confucius 34413% 34414One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious. 34415 -- Chateaubriand (1768-1848) 34416% 34417One is often kept in the right road by a rut. 34418 -- Gustave Droz 34419% 34420ONE LIFE TO LIVE for ALL MY CHILDREN in 34421ANOTHER WORLD all THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES. 34422% 34423One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true. 34424% 34425One man's constant is another man's variable. 34426 -- A.J. Perlis 34427% 34428One man's folly is another man's wife. 34429 -- Helen Rowland 34430% 34431One man's "magic" is another man's engineering. 34432"Supernatural" is a null word. 34433% 34434One man's Mede is another man's Persian. 34435 -- George M. Cohan 34436% 34437One man's theology is another man's belly laugh. 34438% 34439One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends 34440can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention. 34441 -- Clifton Fadiman 34442% 34443One meets his destiny often on the road he takes to avoid it. 34444% 34445One must have a heart of stone to read the death of Little Nell by Dickens 34446without laughing. 34447 -- Oscar Wilde 34448% 34449One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. 34450% 34451One nuclear bomb can ruin your whole day. 34452% 34453One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible from 34454one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at least 70 34455percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts are, of course, 34456simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but when He's good, 34457nobody can touch him. 34458 -- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan. 1983 34459% 34460One of the chief duties of the mathematician in acting as an 34461advisor... is to discourage... from expecting too much from 34462mathematics. 34463 -- N. Wiener 34464% 34465One of the disadvantages of having children is that they eventually get old 34466enough to give you presents they make at school. 34467 -- Robert Byrne 34468% 34469One of the large consolations for experiencing anything 34470unpleasant is the knowledge that one can communicate it. 34471 -- Joyce Carol Oates 34472% 34473One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to 34474do and always a clever thing to say. 34475 -- Will Durant 34476% 34477One of the major difficulties Trillian experienced in her relationship with 34478Zaphod was learning to distinguish between him pretending to be stupid just 34479to get people off their guard, pretending to be stupid because he couldn't 34480be bothered to think and wanted someone else to do it for him, pretending 34481to be so outrageously stupid to hide the fact that he actually didn't 34482understand what was going on, and really being genuinely stupid. He was 34483reknowned for being quite clever and quite clearly was so -- but not all the 34484time, which obviously worried him, hence the act. He preferred people to be 34485puzzled rather than contemptuous. This above all appeared to Trillian to be 34486genuinely stupid, but she could no longer be bothered to argue about. 34487 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 34488% 34489One of the most overlooked advantages to computers is... If they do 34490foul up, there's no law against whacking them around a little. 34491 -- Joe Martin 34492% 34493One of the most striking differences between a 34494cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives. 34495 -- Mark Twain 34496% 34497One of the pleasures of reading old letters is the knowledge that they 34498need no answer. 34499 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron 34500% 34501One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your 34502seat to another passenger. This may seem callous, but it is the best 34503way, really. If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who fainted 34504in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become disoriented and 34505imagine they were in Topeka Kansas. 34506% 34507One of the signs of Napoleon's greatness is the fact that he 34508once had a publisher shot. 34509 -- Siegfried Unseld 34510% 34511One of the worst of my many faults is that I'm too critical of myself. 34512% 34513One of your most ancient writers, a historian named Herodotus, tells of a 34514thief who was to be executed. As he was taken away he made a bargain with 34515the king: in one year he would teach the king's favorite horse to sing 34516hymns. The other prisoners watched the thief singing to the horse and 34517laughed. "You will not succeed," they told him. "No one can." 34518 To which the thief replied, "I have a year, and who knows what might 34519happen in that time. The king might die. The horse might die. I might die. 34520And perhaps the horse will learn to sing. 34521 -- "The Mote in God's Eye", Niven and Pournelle 34522% 34523One organism, one vote. 34524% 34525One person's error is another person's data. 34526% 34527One picture is worth 128K words. 34528% 34529One picture is worth more than ten thousand words. 34530 -- Chinese proverb 34531% 34532One pill makes you larger And if you go chasing rabbits 34533And, one pill makes you small. And you know you're going to fall. 34534And the ones that mother gives you, Tell 'em a hookah smoking caterpillar 34535Don't do anything at all. Has given you the call. 34536Go ask Alice Call Alice 34537When she's ten feet tall. When she was just small. 34538 34539When men on the chessboard When logic and proportion 34540Get up and tell you where to go. Have fallen sloppy dead, 34541And you've just had some kind of And the White Knight is talking 34542 mushroom backwards 34543And your mind is moving low. And the Red Queen's lost her head 34544Go ask Alice Remember what the dormouse said: 34545I think she'll know. Feed your head. 34546 Feed your head. 34547 Feed your head. 34548 -- Jefferson Airplane, "White Rabbit" 34549% 34550One planet is all you get. 34551% 34552One possible reason that things aren't going according to plan 34553is that there never was a plan in the first place. 34554% 34555One possible reason why things aren't going 34556according to plan is that there never was a plan. 34557% 34558One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could 34559manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that they be 34560installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips. Let's say your 34561congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding study on how 34562the French government handles diseases transmitted by sherbet. Just when 34563he got to the plane, his mandatory air bag, strapped around his waist, would 34564inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus rendering him too large to fit through the 34565plane door. It could also be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman 34566proposed a law. ("Mr. Speaker, people ask me, why should October be 34567designated as Cuticle Inspection Month? And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.") 34568This would save millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public 34569would violently support a law requiring airbags on congressmen. The problem 34570is that your potential market is very small: there are only around 500 34571members of congress. 34572% 34573One reason why George Washington 34574Is held in such veneration: 34575He never blamed his problems 34576On the former Administration. 34577 -- George O. Ludcke 34578% 34579One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not there 34580should be a Coastal Commission, I took a helicopter ride from Los Angeles 34581to San Diego. We passed several state beaches, some crowded and some 34582virtually empty. They had the same facilities, and in some cases the crowded 34583and the empty beach were within a quarter mile of each other. Obviously 34584many beach-goers prefer to be crowded together. Buying more beaches that 34585people won't go to because they prefer to be crowded together on one beach 34586is a ridiculous waste of our natural resources and our taxes. 34587 -- Ronald Reagan 34588% 34589One seldom sees a monument to a committee. 34590% 34591One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry. 34592 -- Oscar Wilde 34593% 34594ONE SIZE FITS ALL: 34595 Doesn't fit anyone. 34596% 34597One small step for man, one giant stumble for mankind. 34598% 34599One thing about the past. 34600It's likely to last. 34601 -- Ogden Nash 34602% 34603ONE THING KIDS LIKE is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take 34604my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to a burned-out 34605warehouse. "Oh, oh," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and 34606cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. 34607 34608I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty 34609late. 34610 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 34611% 34612One thing the inventors can't seem to 34613get the bugs out of is fresh paint. 34614% 34615One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that 34616sometimes you must work under adverse conditions... like a state of sheer 34617terror. 34618 -- W.K. Hartmann 34619% 34620One thought driven home is better than three left on base. 34621% 34622One time the police stopped me for speeding. They said, "Don't you know the 34623speed limit is fifty-five miles an hour?" I said, "Yeah, I know, but I wasn't 34624going to be out that long." 34625 -- Steven Wright 34626% 34627One toke over the line, sweet Mary, 34628One toke over the line, 34629Sittin' downtown in a railway station, 34630One toke over the line. 34631Waitin' for the train that goes home, 34632Hopin' that the train is on time, 34633Sittin' downtown in a railway station, 34634One toke over the line. 34635% 34636One way to stop a run away horse is to bet on him. 34637% 34638One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned at 34639the stake while the votes were being counted. 34640 -- Thomas B. Reed 34641% 34642One would like to stroke and caress human beings, but one dares not do so, 34643because they bite. 34644 -- Vladimir Lenin 34645% 34646One-Shot Case Study, n: 34647 The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which 34648it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes green. 34649% 34650On-line: 34651 The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer. 34652% 34653Only a fool has no doubts. 34654% 34655Only a mediocre person is always at his best. 34656 -- Laurence Peter 34657% 34658Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps. 34659% 34660Only fools are quoted. 34661 -- Anonymous 34662% 34663Only God can make random selections. 34664% 34665Only great masters of style can succeed in being obtuse. 34666 -- Oscar Wilde 34667 34668Most UNIX programmers are great masters of style. 34669 -- The Unnamed Usenetter 34670% 34671Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four 34672essential food groups -- alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat. 34673 -- Alex Levine 34674 34675[Oh come on, everybody knows that the four basic food groups are 34676hot sugar, cold sugar, carbohydrates and grease. Ed.] 34677% 34678Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right 34679to use the editorial "we". 34680% 34681Only someone with nothing to be sorry for 34682smiles back at the rear of an elephant. 34683% 34684Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying. 34685 -- Baba Ram Dass 34686% 34687Only the fittest survive. The vanquished acknowledge their unworthiness by 34688placing a classified ad with the ritual phrase "must sell -- best offer," 34689and thereafter dwell in infamy, relegated to discussing gas mileage and lawn 34690food. But if successful, you join the elite sodality that spends hours 34691unpurifying the dialect of the tribe with arcane talk of bits and bytes, RAMS 34692and ROMS, hard disks and baud rates. Are you obnoxious, obsessed? It's a 34693modest price to pay. For you have tapped into the same awesome primal power 34694that produces credit-card billing errors and lost plane reservations. Hail, 34695postindustrial warrior, subduer of Bounceoids, pride of the cosmos, keeper of 34696the silicone creed: Computo, ergo sum. The force is with you -- at 110 volts. 34697May your RAMS be fruitful and multiply. 34698 -- Curt Suplee, "Smithsonian", 4/83 34699% 34700Only the hypocrite is really rotten to the core. 34701 -- Hannah Arendt 34702% 34703Only those who leisurely approach that which the masses are 34704busy about can be busy about that which the masses take leisurely. 34705 -- Lao Tsu 34706% 34707Only two groups of people fall for flattery -- men and women. 34708% 34709Only two kinds of witnesses exist. The first live in a neighborhood where 34710a crime has been committed and in no circumstances have ever seen anything 34711or even heard a shot. The second category are the neighbors of anyone who 34712happens to be accused of the crime. These have always looked out of their 34713windows when the shot was fired, and have noticed the accused person standing 34714peacefully on his balcony a few yards away. 34715 -- Sicilian police officer 34716% 34717Only two of my personalities are schizophrenic, but one 34718of them is paranoid and the other one is out to get him. 34719% 34720Only way to open lips of pigeon, sledgehammer. 34721% 34722Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny. 34723% 34724Onward through the fog. 34725% 34726Operator, please trace this call and tell me where I am. 34727% 34728Opiates are the religion of the upper-middle classes. 34729 -- Debbie VanDam 34730% 34731Opium is very cheap considering you don't 34732feel like eating for the next six days. 34733 -- Taylor Mead, famous transvestite 34734% 34735Oppernockity tunes but once. 34736% 34737Opportunities are usually disguised as hard 34738work, so most people don't recognize them. 34739% 34740Oprah Winfrey has an incredible talent for getting the weirdest people to 34741talk to. And you just HAVE to watch it. "Blind, masochistic minority, 34742crippled, depressed, government latrine diggers, and the women who love 34743them too much on the next Oprah Winfrey." 34744% 34745Optimism is the content of small men in high places. 34746 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Crack Up" 34747% 34748Optimism, n: 34749The belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, good, bad, 34750and everything right that is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by 34751those accustomed to falling into adversity, and most acceptably expounded 34752with the grin that apes a smile. Being a blind faith, it is inaccessible 34753to the light of disproof -- an intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment 34754but death. It is hereditary, but not contagious. 34755% 34756OPTIMIST: 34757 A proponent of the belief that black is white. 34758 34759 A pessimist asked God for relief. 34760 "Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness," said God. 34761 "No," replied the petitioner, "I wish you to create something that 34762would justify them." 34763 "The world is all created," said God, "but you have overlooked 34764something -- the mortality of the optimist." 34765 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 34766% 34767OPTIMIST: 34768 Someone who goes down to the marriage 34769 bureau to see if his license has expired. 34770% 34771optimist, n: 34772 A bagpiper with a beeper. 34773% 34774Optimization hinders evolution. 34775% 34776Or you or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you. 34777I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but 34778we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company. 34779 -- J. Wellington Wells 34780% 34781Oral sex is like being attacked by a giant snail. 34782 -- Germaine Greer 34783% 34784Orcs really aren't so bad (if you use lots of catsup). 34785% 34786Order and simplification are the first steps toward 34787mastery of a subject -- the actual enemy is the unknown. 34788 -- Thomas Mann 34789% 34790OREGON: 34791 Eighty billion gallons of water with 34792 no place to go on Saturday night. 34793% 34794O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen: 34795Cleanliness is next to impossible 34796% 34797Oreo 34798% 34799Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. 34800Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl. 34801 -- Mike Adams 34802% 34803Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born 34804to people you could not have possibly met. 34805 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 34806% 34807Osborn's Law: 34808 Variables won't; constants aren't. 34809% 34810Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play? 34811% 34812Other women cloy 34813The appetites they feed, but she makes hungry 34814Where most she satisfies. 34815 -- Antony and Cleopatra 34816% 34817Others can stop you temporarily, only you can do it permanently. 34818% 34819Others will look to you for stability, 34820so hide when you bite your nails. 34821% 34822O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law: 34823 Murphy was an optimist. 34824% 34825Ouch! That felt good! 34826 -- Karen Gordon 34827% 34828"Our attitude with TCP/IP is, `Hey, we'll do it, but don't make a big 34829system, because we can't fix it if it breaks -- nobody can.'" 34830 34831"TCP/IP is OK if you've got a little informal club, and it doesn't make 34832any difference if it takes a while to fix it." 34833 -- Ken Olson, in Digital News, 1988 34834% 34835Our business in life is not to succeed 34836but to continue to fail in high spirits. 34837 -- Robert Louis Stevenson 34838% 34839Our congratulations go to a Burlington Vermont civilian employee of the 34840local Army National Guard base. He recently received a substational cash 34841award from our government for inventing a device for optical scanning. 34842His device reportedly will save the government more than $6 million a year 34843by replacing a more expensive helicopter maintenance tool with his own, 34844home-made, hand-held model. 34845 34846Not surprisingly, we also have a couple of money-saving ideas that we submit 34847to the Pentagon free of charge: 34848 34849 a. Don't kill anybody. 34850 b. Don't build things that do. 34851 c. And don't pay other people to kill anybody. 34852 34853We expect annual savings to be in the billions. 34854 -- Sojourners 34855% 34856Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, 34857but the trouble is they charge fifteen cents for them. 34858% 34859Our documentation manager was showing her 2 year old son around the office. 34860He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we were both 34861holding bags of popcorn. We were both holding bottles of juice. But only 34862*he* had a lollipop. 34863 He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?" 34864 Her reply: "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to. That's 34865what it means to be a programmer." 34866% 34867Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in a 34868continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave national 34869emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to gobble us up if we 34870did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the exorbitant sums demanded. 34871Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem never to have happened, seem never 34872to have been quite real. 34873 -- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957 34874% 34875Our houseplants have a good sense of humous. 34876% 34877Our informal mission is to improve the love life of operators worldwide. 34878 -- Peter Behrendt, president of Exabyte 34879% 34880Our little systems have their day; 34881They have their day and cease to be; 34882They are but broken lights of thee. 34883 -- Tennyson 34884% 34885Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name. 34886Thy programs run, thy syscalls done, 34887In kernel as it is in user. 34888% 34889Our parents were of Midwestern stock and very strict. They didn't want us 34890to grow up to be spoiled and rich. If we left our tennis racquets in the 34891rain, we were punished. 34892 -- Nancy Ellis (George Bush's sister), in the New Republic 34893% 34894Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing. 34895 -- Roy L. Ash, ex-president, Litton Industries 34896% 34897Our problems are so serious that the best 34898way to talk about them is lightheartedly. 34899% 34900Our sires' age was worse that our grandsires'. 34901We their sons are more worthless than they: 34902so in our turn we shall give the world a progeny yet more corrupt. 34903 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 34904% 34905Our swords shall play the orators for us. 34906 -- Christopher Marlowe 34907% 34908Our universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding, 34909In all of the directions it can whiz; 34910As fast as it can go, that's the speed of light, you know, 34911Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is. 34912So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure, 34913How amazingly unlikely is your birth; 34914And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space, 34915'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth! 34916 -- Monty Python 34917% 34918Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants. 34919 -- General Omar N. Bradley 34920% 34921Ours is a world where people don't know what they 34922want and are willing to go through hell to get it. 34923% 34924Out of sight is out of mind. 34925 -- Arthur Clough 34926% 34927Out of the crooked timber of humanity no straight thing can ever be made. 34928 -- Immanuel Kant 34929% 34930Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal. 34931% 34932Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside a dog it's too 34933dark to read. 34934% 34935Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it is too 34936dark to read. 34937 -- Groucho Marx 34938% 34939Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too 34940dark to read. 34941 -- Groucho Marx 34942% 34943Over the shoulder supervision is more a 34944need of the manager than the programming task. 34945% 34946Overall, the philosophy is to attack the availability problem from two 34947complementary directions: to reduce the number of software errors through 34948rigorous testing of running systems, and to reduce the effect of the remaining 34949errors by providing for recovery from them. An interesting footnote to this 34950design is that now a system failure can usually be considered to be the 34951result of two program errors: the first, in the program that started the 34952problem; the second, in the recovery routine that could not protect the 34953system. 34954 -- A.L. Scherr, "Functional Structure of IBM Virtual Storage 34955 Operating Systems, Part II: OS/VS-2 Concepts and 34956 Philosophies," IBM Systems Journal, Vol. 12, No. 4. 34957% 34958Overconfidence breeds error when we take for granted that the game will 34959continue on its normal course; when we fail to provide for an unusually 34960powerful resource -- a check, a sacrifice, a stalemate. Afterwards the 34961victim may wail, `But who could have dreamt of such an idiotic-looking 34962move?' 34963 -- Fred Reinfeld, "The Complete Chess Course" 34964% 34965Overdrawn? But I still have checks left! 34966% 34967Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket. 34968% 34969Overheard: 34970 "How do I feel? Great! And I kiss pretty good, too!" 34971% 34972Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated. 34973% 34974Owe no man any thing... 34975 -- Romans 13:8 34976% 34977Oxygen is a very toxic gas and an extreme fire hazard. It is fatal in 34978concentrations of as little as 0.000001 p.p.m. Humans exposed to the 34979oxygen concentrations die within a few minutes. Symptoms resemble very 34980much those of cyanide poisoning (blue face, etc.). In higher 34981concentrations, e.g. 20%, the toxic effect is somewhat delayed and it 34982takes about 2.5 billion inhalations before death takes place. The reason 34983for the delay is the difference in the mechanism of the toxic effect of 34984oxygen in 20% concentration. It apparently contributes to a complex 34985process called aging, of which very little is known, except that it is 34986always fatal. 34987 34988However, the main disadvantage of the 20% oxygen concentration is in the 34989fact it is habit forming. The first inhalation (occurring at birth) is 34990sufficient to make oxygen addiction permanent. After that, any 34991considerable decrease in the daily oxygen doses results in death with 34992symptoms resembling those of cyanide poisoning. 34993 34994Oxygen is an extreme fire hazard. All of the fires that were reported in 34995the continental U.S. for the period of the past 25 years were found to be 34996due to the presence of this gas in the atmosphere surrounding the buildings 34997in question. 34998 34999Oxygen is especially dangerous because it is odorless, colorless and 35000tasteless, so that its presence can not be readily detected until it is 35001too late. 35002 -- Chemical & Engineering News February 6, 1956 35003% 35004Ozman's Laws: 35005 (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he won't. 35006 (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make. 35007 (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. 35008 (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth. 35009% 35010paak, n: A stadium or inclosed playing field. To put or leave (a 35011 a vehicle) for a time in a certain location. 35012patato, n: The starchy, edible tuber of a widely cultivated plant. 35013Septemba, n: The 9th month of the year. 35014shua, n: Having no doubt; certain. 35015sista, n: A female having the same mother and father as the speaker. 35016tamato, n: A fleshy, smooth-skinned reddish fruit eaten in salads 35017 or as a vegetable. 35018troopa, n: A state policeman. 35019Wista, n: A city in central Masschewsetts. 35020yaad, n: A tract of ground adjacent to a building. 35021 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary 35022% 35023PAIN: 35024 Falling out of a twenty story building, 35025 and snagging your eyelid on a nail. 35026% 35027PAIN: 35028 One thing, at least it proves that you're alive! 35029% 35030PAIN: 35031 Sliding down a 50-foot razor blade into a bucket of alcohol. 35032% 35033Pain is just God's way of hurting you. 35034% 35035Pandora's Rule: 35036 Never open a box you didn't close. 35037% 35038panic: can't find / 35039% 35040panic: kernel segmentation violation. core dumped (only kidding) 35041% 35042Paprika Measure: 35043 35044 2 dashes == 1smidgen 35045 2 smidgens == 1 pinch 35046 3 pinches == 1 soupcon 35047 2 soupcons == too much paprika 35048% 35049Paralysis through analysis. 35050% 35051PARANOIA: 35052 A healthy understanding of the way the universe works. 35053% 35054Paranoia doesn't mean the whole world isn't out to get you. 35055% 35056Paranoia is heightened awareness. 35057% 35058Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life. 35059% 35060Paranoid Club meeting this Friday. 35061Now ... just try to find out where! 35062% 35063Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy 35064to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too. 35065 -- D.J. Hicks 35066% 35067Pardon me while I laugh. 35068% 35069Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they 35070didn't have much of anything to do with it. 35071% 35072Parkinson's Fifth Law: 35073 If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good 35074 bureaucracy, public or private, will find it. 35075% 35076Parkinson's Fourth Law: 35077 The number of people in any working group tends to increase 35078 regardless of the amount of work to be done. 35079% 35080Parsley is gharsley. 35081 -- Ogden Nash 35082% 35083Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be. 35084% 35085PARTY: 35086 A gathering where you meet people who drink 35087 so much you can't even remember their names. 35088% 35089Pascal: 35090 A programming language named after a man who would turn over 35091 in his grave if he knew about it. 35092 -- Datamation, January 15, 1984 35093% 35094Pascal: 35095 A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his 35096 grave if he knew about it. 35097% 35098Pascal is a language for children wanting to be naughty. 35099 -- Dr. Kasi Ananthanarayanan 35100% 35101Pascal is not a high-level language. 35102 -- Steven Feiner 35103% 35104Pascal Users: 35105 The Pascal system will be replaced next Tuesday by Cobol. 35106 Please modify your programs accordingly. 35107% 35108Pascal Users: 35109 To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the 35110 death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed. 35111% 35112Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life. 35113 -- Eric Hoffer 35114% 35115Password: 35116% 35117Passwords are implemented as a result of insecurity. 35118% 35119Paster Crosstalk: What items are specifically mentioned by GOD as being 35120 unclean? Now did you know... preying birds... praying mantises... 35121 All birds of prey, all carrion eaters, fish eaters -- no good, can't 35122 eat those. Nothing that does not have both fins and scales. Most 35123 CREEPING things... 35124Alvarado: How 'bout caterpillars? 35125P: A caterpillar doesn't have a backbone. Nothing without a backbone 35126 can get in. 35127A: How do you know? You char a caterpillar, it gets real stiff! 35128P: Well, I don't think that the Lord meant us to eat CHARRED 35129 CATERPILLARS! 35130[...] 35131P: The hog, the squirrel... little squirrels. Who would want to eat 35132 a LITTLE SQUIRREL? 35133A: If you're starving. If you're starving in the park one day. 35134P: You'd probably just CHAR 'em to get 'em stiff, wouldn't ya? 35135A: No, you SINGE 'em. You SINGE 'em and eat 'em. *I* read about the 35136 Donner Pass, I know what man does when he's hungry. 35137P: Squirrels eating squirrels -- my GOD, that's sick! 35138A: That's sick, SURE. But a MAN eating a squirrel -- that's (heh, heh) 35139 par for the course, Charlie. 35140 -- Firesign Theatre 35141% 35142Patch griefs with proverbs. 35143 -- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing" 35144% 35145patent: 35146 A method of publicizing inventions so others can copy them. 35147% 35148"Pathetic," he said. "That's what it is. Pathetic." 35149(crosses stream) 35150"As I thought," he said, "no better from *this* side." 35151 -- Eyeore 35152% 35153Patience is a minor form of despair, disguised as virtue. 35154 -- Ambrose Bierce, on qualifiers 35155% 35156Patience is the best remedy for every trouble. 35157 -- Titus Maccius Plautus 35158% 35159Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel. 35160 -- S. Johnson, "The Life of Samuel Johnson" by J. Boswell 35161 35162In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last 35163resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but 35164inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first. 35165 -- Ambrose Bierce 35166 35167When Dr. Johnson defined patriotism as the last refuge of a scoundrel, 35168he ignored the enormous possibilities of the word reform. 35169 -- Sen. Roscoe Conkling 35170 35171Public office is the last refuge of a scoundrel. 35172 -- Boies Penrose 35173% 35174Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious. 35175 -- Oscar Wilde 35176% 35177Pauca sed matura. (Few but excellent.) 35178 -- Gauss 35179% 35180Paul Revere was a tattle-tale. 35181% 35182Paulg's Law: 35183 In America, it's not how much an 35184 item costs, it's how much you save. 35185% 35186Paul's Law: 35187 You can't fall off the floor. 35188% 35189Pause for storage relocation. 35190% 35191paycheck: 35192 The weekly $5.27 that remains after deductions for federal 35193 withholding, state withholding, city withholding, FICA, 35194 medical/dental, long-term disability, unemployment insurance, 35195 Christmas Club, and payroll savings plan contributions. 35196% 35197Payeen to a Twang 35198Derrida 35199Ore-Ida 35200potato. 35201 35202If you dared, 35203I'd ask you 35204to go dig 35205up your ides under brown- 35206tubered skies. 35207 35208where pitchforked 35209you will ask 35210Derrida? 35211% 35212Peace be to this house, and all that dwell in it. 35213% 35214Peace cannot be kept by force; it 35215can only be achieved by understanding. 35216 -- A. Einstein 35217% 35218Peace is much more precious than a piece 35219of land... let there be no more wars. 35220 -- Mohammed Anwar Sadat, 1918-1981 35221% 35222Peace, n: 35223 In international affairs, a period of cheating between two 35224 periods of fighting. 35225 -- Ambrose Bierce 35226% 35227Peanut Blossoms 35228 352294 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk 352304 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla 352314 cups shortening 14 cups flour 352328 eggs 4 tsp. soda 352334 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt 35234 35235Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased 35236cookie sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top 35237each cookie with a Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly 35238to crack cookie. Makes a hell of a lot. 35239% 35240Pecor's Health-Food Principle: 35241 Never eat rutabaga on any day of 35242 the week that has a "y" in it. 35243% 35244pediddel: 35245 A car with only one working headlight. 35246 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 35247% 35248Pedro Guerrero was playing third base for the Los Angeles Dodgers in 1984 35249when he made the comment that earns him a place in my Hall of Fame. Second 35250baseman Steve Sax was having trouble making his throws. Other players were 35251diving, screaming, signaling for a fair catch. At the same time, Guerrero, 35252at third, was making a few plays that weren't exactly soothing to manager 35253Tom Lasorda's stomach. Lasorda decided it was time for one of his famous 35254motivational meetings and zeroed in on Guerrero: "How can you play third 35255base like that? You've gotta be thinking about something besides baseball. 35256What is it?" 35257 "I'm only thinking about two things," Guerrero said. "First, `I 35258hope they don't hit the ball to me.'" The players snickered, and even 35259Lasorda had to fight off a laugh. "Second, `I hope they don't hit the ball 35260to Sax.'" 35261 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game" 35262% 35263Peeping Tom: 35264 A window fan. 35265% 35266Peers's Law: 35267The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem. 35268% 35269Pelorat sighed. 35270 "I will never understand people." 35271 "There's nothing to it. All you have to do is take a close look 35272at yourself and you will understand everyone else. How would Seldon have 35273worked out his Plan -- and I don't care how subtle his mathematics was -- 35274if he didn't understand people; and how could he have done that if people 35275weren't easy to understand? You show me someone who can't understand 35276people and I'll show you someone who has built up a false image of himself 35277-- no offense intended." 35278 -- Asimov, "Foundation's Edge" 35279% 35280Penguin Trivia #46: 35281 Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were. 35282% 35283PENGUINICITY!! 35284% 35285pension: 35286 A federally insured chain letter. 35287% 35288People (a group that in my opinion has always attracted an undue amount of 35289attention) have often been likened to snowflakes. This analogy is meant to 35290suggest that each is unique -- no two alike. This is quite patently not the 35291case. People ... are simply a dime a dozen. And, I hasten to add, their 35292only similarity to snowflakes resides in their invariable and lamentable 35293tendency to turn, after a few warm days, to slush. 35294 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 35295% 35296People are always available for work in the past tense. 35297% 35298People are beginning to notice you. 35299Try dressing before you leave the house. 35300% 35301People are like onions -- you cut them up, and they make you cry. 35302% 35303People are unconditionally guaranteed to be full of defects. 35304% 35305People don't change; they only become more so. 35306% 35307People don't make the same mistake twice -- they make it three times, 35308four times... 35309% 35310People don't usually make the same mistake twice -- they make it three 35311times, four time, five times... 35312% 35313People in general do not willingly read 35314if they have anything else to amuse them. 35315 -- S. Johnson 35316% 35317People love high ideals, but they got to be about 33-percent plausible. 35318 -- The Best of Will Rogers 35319% 35320People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war, or before an 35321election. 35322 -- Otto von Bismarck 35323% 35324People of privilege will always risk their complete destruction 35325rather than surrender any material part of their advantage. 35326 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 35327% 35328People often find it easier to be a 35329result of the past than a cause of the future. 35330% 35331People respond to people who respond. 35332% 35333People say I live in my own little fantasy world... well, at least they 35334*know* me there! 35335 -- D.L. Roth 35336% 35337People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people 35338have been left out on the pleasure. 35339 -- Russell Baker 35340% 35341People seem to think that the blanket phrase, "I only work here," 35342absolves them utterly from any moral obligation in terms of the 35343public -- but this was precisely Eichmann's excuse for his job in 35344the concentration camps. 35345% 35346People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves. 35347% 35348People that can't find something to live for always seem to find something 35349to die for. The problem is, they usually want the rest of us to die for 35350it too. 35351% 35352People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense. 35353 -- Ken Kesey 35354% 35355People usually get what's coming to them -- unless it's been mailed. 35356% 35357People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get 35358much better press than people who are just funny and smart. 35359 -- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post" 35360% 35361People who claim they don't let little things bother 35362them have never slept in a room with a single mosquito. 35363% 35364People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes. 35365 -- Abigail Van Buren 35366% 35367People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. 35368% 35369People who have no faults are terrible; 35370there is no way of taking advantage of them. 35371% 35372People who have what they want are very fond of telling 35373people who haven't what they want that they don't want it. 35374 -- Ogden Nash 35375% 35376People who make no mistakes do not usually make anything. 35377% 35378People who push both buttons should get their wish. 35379% 35380People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle. 35381% 35382People who take cold baths never have rheumatism, but they have 35383cold baths. 35384% 35385People who think they know everything 35386greatly annoy those of us who do. 35387% 35388People will accept your ideas much more readily if 35389you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first. 35390% 35391People will buy anything that's one to a customer. 35392% 35393People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues. 35394% 35395People's Action Rules: 35396 (1) Some people who can, shouldn't. 35397 (2) Some people who should, won't. 35398 (3) Some people who shouldn't, will. 35399 (4) Some people who can't, will try, regardless. 35400 (5) Some people who shouldn't, but try, will then blame others. 35401% 35402Per buck you get more computing action with the small computer. 35403 -- R.W. Hamming 35404% 35405Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt. 35406[Confound those who have said our remarks before us.] 35407or 35408[May they perish who have expressed our bright ideas before us.] 35409 -- Aelius Donatus 35410% 35411Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things. 35412% 35413perfect guest: 35414 One who makes his host feel at home. 35415% 35416Perfection is finally attained, not when there is no longer 35417anything to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away. 35418 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery 35419% 35420Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything 35421to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away. 35422 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery 35423% 35424Performance: 35425 A statement of the speed at which a computer system works. Or 35426 rather, might work under certain circumstances. Or was rumored 35427 to be working over in Jersey about a month ago. 35428% 35429Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered. 35430I myself would say that it had merely been detected. 35431 -- Oscar Wilde 35432% 35433Perhaps no person can be a poet, or even enjoy 35434poetry without a certain unsoundness of mind. 35435 -- Thomas Macaulay 35436% 35437Perhaps the biggest disappointments were the ones you expected anyway. 35438% 35439Perhaps the most widespread illusion is that if we were in power we would 35440behave very differently from those who now hold it -- when, in truth, in 35441order to get power we would have to become very much like them. (Lenin's 35442fatal mistake, both in theory and in practice.) 35443% 35444Perhaps the world's second words crime is boredom. The first is 35445being a bore. 35446 -- Cecil Beaton 35447% 35448Perilous to all of us are the devices of 35449an art deeper than we ourselves possess. 35450 -- Gandalf the Grey 35451% 35452Periphrasis is the putting of things in a round-about way. "The cost may be 35453upwards of a figure rather below 10m#." is a periphrasis for The cost may be 35454nearly 10m#. "In Paris there reigns a complete absence of really reliable 35455news" is a periphrasis for There is no reliable news in Paris. "Rarely does 35456the 'Little Summer' linger until November, but at times its stay has been 35457prolonged until quite late in the year's penultimate month" contains a 35458periphrasis for November, and another for lingers. "The answer is in the 35459negative" is a periphrasis for No. "Was made the recipient of" is a 35460periphrasis for Was presented with. The periphrasis style is hardly possible 35461on any considerable scale without much use of abstract nouns such as "basis, 35462case, character, connexion, dearth, description, duration, framework, lack, 35463nature, reference, regard, respect". The existence of abstract nouns is a 35464proof that abstract thought has occurred; abstract thought is a mark of 35465civilized man; and so it has come about that periphrasis and civilization are 35466by many held to be inseparable. These good people feel that there is an almost 35467indecent nakedness, a reversion to barbarism, in saying No news is good news 35468instead of "The absence of intelligence is an indication of satisfactory 35469developments." 35470 -- Fowler's English Usage 35471% 35472Persistence in one opinion has never been considered 35473a merit in political leaders. 35474 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares", 1st century BC 35475% 35476Personifiers of the world, unite! 35477You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity! 35478 -- Bernadette Bosky 35479% 35480Personifiers Unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity! 35481% 35482Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; 35483persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting 35484to find a plot in it will be shot. By Order of the Author 35485 -- Mark Twain, "Tom Sawyer" 35486% 35487pessimist: 35488 A man who spends all his time worrying about how he can keep the 35489 wolf from the door. 35490 35491optimist: 35492 A man who refuses to see the wolf until he seizes the seat of 35493 his pants. 35494 35495opportunist: 35496 A man who invites the wolf in and appears the next day in a fur coat. 35497% 35498Pete: Waiter, this meat is bad. 35499Waiter: Who told you? 35500Pete: A little swallow. 35501% 35502Peter's hungry, time to eat lunch. 35503% 35504Peter's Law of Substitution: 35505 Look after the molehills, and the 35506 mountains will look after themselves. 35507 35508Peter's Principle of Success: 35509 Get up one time more than you're knocked down. 35510 35511Peter's Principle: 35512 In every hierarchy, each employee tends to rise to the level of 35513 his incompetence. 35514% 35515Peterson's Admonition: 35516 When you think you're going down for the third time -- 35517 just remember that you may have counted wrong. 35518% 35519Peterson's Rules: 35520 (1) Trucks that overturn on freeways 35521 are filled with something sticky. 35522 (2) No cute baby in a carriage is ever a girl when called one. 35523 (3) Things that tick are not always clocks. 35524 (4) Suicide only works when you're bluffing. 35525% 35526petribar: 35527 Any sun-bleached prehistoric candy that has been sitting in 35528 the window of a vending machine too long. 35529 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 35530% 35531Phasers locked on target, Captain. 35532% 35533Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so 35534because it is next to exciting Camden, New Jersy. 35535% 35536Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny. 35537% 35538philosophy: 35539 The ability to bear with calmness the misfortunes of our friends. 35540% 35541philosophy: 35542 Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems. 35543% 35544Phone call for chucky-pooh. 35545% 35546phosflink: 35547 To flick a bulb on and off when it burns out (as if, somehow, that 35548 will bring it back to life). 35549 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 35550% 35551Photographing a volcano is just about 35552the most miserable thing you can do. 35553 -- Robert B. Goodman 35554 [Who has clearly never tried to use a PDP-10. Ed.] 35555% 35556Physically there is nothing to distinguish human society from the 35557farm-yard except that children are more troublesome and costly than 35558chickens and women are not so completely enslaved as farm stock. 35559 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Getting Married" 35560% 35561Picking up the pieces of my sweet shattered dream, 35562I wonder how the old folks are tonight, 35563Her name was Ann, and I'll be damned if I recall her face, 35564She left me not knowing what to do. 35565 35566Carefree Highway, let me slip away on you, 35567Carefree Highway, you seen better days, 35568The morning after blues, from my head down to my shoes, 35569Carefree Highway, let me slip away, slip away, on you... 35570 35571Turning back the pages to the times I love best, 35572I wonder if she'll ever do the same, 35573Now the thing that I call livin' is just bein' satisfied, 35574With knowing I got noone left to blame. 35575Carefree Highway, I got to see you, my old flame... 35576 35577Searching through the fragments of my dream shattered sleep, 35578I wonder if the years have closed her mind, 35579I guess it must be wanderlust or tryin' to get free, 35580From the good old faithful feelin' we once knew. 35581 -- Gordon Lightfoot, "Carefree Highway" 35582% 35583Pickle's Law: 35584 If Congress must do a painful thing, 35585 the thing must be done in an odd-number year. 35586% 35587Piddle, twiddle, and resolve, 35588Not one damn thing do we solve. 35589 -- 1776 35590% 35591Pie are not square. Pie are round. Cornbread are square. 35592% 35593Piece of cake! 35594 -- G.S. Koblas 35595% 35596pig, n: 35597 An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by 35598 the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is 35599 inferior in scope, for it balks at pig. 35600 -- Ambrose Bierce 35601% 35602Pilfering Treasure property is particularly dangerous: big thieves are 35603ruthless in punishing little thieves. 35604 -- Diogenes 35605% 35606Pilots should avoid using illegal drugs. 35607 -- AOPA's Pilot's Handbook, 1988 35608% 35609Piping down the valleys wild, 35610Piping songs of pleasant glee, 35611On a cloud I saw a child, 35612And he laughing said to me: 35613"Pipe a song about a Lamb!" 35614So I piped with merry cheer. 35615"Piper, pipe that song again;" 35616So I piped: he wept to hear. 35617 -- William Blake, "Songs of Innocence" 35618% 35619Pipo was born with few complications, but then the doctor accidentally dropped 35620the infant on her head provoking her drunken father to drag the physician 35621outside where he would beat him to death with a live ocelot. 35622 -- Love and Rockets 35623% 35624PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20) 35625 You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed 35626 by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates 35627 and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack confidence 35628 and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to 35629 small animals. 35630% 35631PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20) 35632 Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the American 35633 Express card and a weapon. The world is yours today, as nobody 35634 else wants it. Your mortgage will be foreclosed. You will probably 35635 get run over by a bus. 35636% 35637PISCES (Feb.19 - Mar.20) 35638 You will get some very interesting news of a promotion today. 35639 It will go to someone in the office you dislike and will be the 35640 job you wanted. Don't lend anyone a car today. You don't have 35641 a car. 35642% 35643pixel, n: 35644 A mischievous, magical spirit associated with screen displays. 35645 The computer industry has frequently borrowed from mythology: 35646 Witness the sprites in computer graphics, the demons in artificial 35647 intelligence, and the trolls in the marketing department. 35648% 35649P-K4 35650% 35651PL/1, "the fatal disease", belongs more 35652to the problem set than to the solution set. 35653 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 35654% 35655Plagiarize, plagiarize, 35656Let no man's work evade your eyes, 35657Remember why the good Lord made your eyes, 35658Don't shade your eyes, 35659But plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize. 35660Only be sure to call it research. 35661 -- Tom Lehrer 35662% 35663Planet Claire has pink hair. 35664All the trees are red. 35665No one ever dies there. 35666No one has a head.... 35667% 35668Plastic... Aluminum... These are the inheritors of the Universe! 35669Flesh and Blood have had their day... and that day is past! 35670 -- Green Lantern Comics 35671% 35672Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia 35673because they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers 35674couldn't compete successfully with poets. 35675 -- Kilgore Trout, "Venus on the Half Shell" 35676% 35677PLATONIC FRIENDSHIP: 35678 What develops when two people get 35679 tired of making love to each other. 35680% 35681Please do not look directly into laser with remaining eye. 35682% 35683Please don't put a strain on our friendship 35684by asking me to do something for you. 35685% 35686Please don't recommend me to your friends-- 35687it's difficult enough to cope with you alone. 35688% 35689PLEASE DON'T SMOKE HERE! 35690 35691Penalty: An early, lingering death from cancer, 35692 emphysema, or other smoking-caused ailment. 35693% 35694Please forgive me if, in the heat of battle, 35695I sometimes forget which side I'm on. 35696% 35697Please go away. 35698% 35699Please help keep the world clean: others may wish to use it. 35700% 35701Please ignore previous fortune. 35702% 35703Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment. 35704% 35705Please, Mother! I'd rather do it myself! 35706% 35707Please remain calm, it's no use both of 35708us being hysterical at the same time. 35709% 35710Please stand for the Nation Anthem: 35711 35712 O Canada 35713 Our home and native land 35714 True patriot love 35715 In all thy sons' command 35716 With glowing hearts we see thee rise 35717 The true north strong and free 35718 From far and wide, O Canada 35719 We stand on guard for thee 35720 God keep our land glorious and free 35721 O Canada we stand on guard for thee 35722 O Canada we stand on guard for thee 35723 35724Thank you. You may resume your seat. 35725% 35726Please stand for the National Anthem: 35727 35728 Australian's all, let us rejoice, 35729 For we are young and free. 35730 We've golden soil and wealth for toil 35731 Our home is girt by sea. 35732 Our land abounds in nature's gifts 35733 Of beauty rich and rare. 35734 In history's page, let every stage 35735 Advance Australia Fair. 35736 In joyful strains then let us sing, 35737 Advance Australia Fair. 35738 35739Thank you. You may resume your seat. 35740% 35741Please stand for the National Anthem: 35742 35743 God save our Gracious Queen! 35744 Long live our Noble Queen! 35745 God save the Queen! 35746 Send her victorious, 35747 Happy and glorious, 35748 Long to reign o'er us! 35749 God save the Queen! 35750 35751Thank you. You may resume your seat. 35752% 35753Please stand for the National Anthem: 35754 35755 Oh, say can you see by dawn's early light 35756 What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming? 35757 Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight 35758 O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming? 35759 And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air, 35760 Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there. 35761 Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave 35762 O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave? 35763 35764Thank you. You may resume your seat. 35765% 35766Please take note: 35767% 35768Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas" 35769until you are told that those rooms are "punched out." Once punched out, 35770we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such. 35771 -- N. Meyrowitz 35772% 35773Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means? 35774% 35775PL/I -- "the fatal disease" -- belongs more to the problem set than to the 35776solution set. 35777 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 35778% 35779Plots are like girdles. Hidden, they hold your interest; revealed, they're 35780of no interest except to fetishists. Like girdles, they attempt to contain 35781an uncontainable experience. 35782 -- R.S. Knapp 35783% 35784PLUG IT IN!!! 35785% 35786Plus ca change, plus c'est le meme chose. 35787% 35788Pohl's law: 35789 Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it. 35790% 35791poisoned coffee, n: 35792 Grounds for divorce. 35793% 35794Poland has gun control. 35795% 35796Political history is far too criminal a subject to be a fit thing to 35797teach children. 35798 -- W.H. Auden 35799% 35800Political speeches are like steer horns. A point 35801here, a point there, and a lot of bull inbetween. 35802 -- Alfred E. Neuman 35803% 35804Political television commercials prove one thing: some candidates 35805can tell all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds. 35806% 35807POLITICIAN: 35808 From the Greek 'poly' ("many") and the French 'tete' ("head" or 35809 "face," as in 'tete-a-tete': head to head or face to face). 35810 Hence 'polytetien', a person of two or more faces. 35811 -- Martin Pitt 35812% 35813Politicians are the same everywhere. They promise 35814to build a bridge even where there is no river. 35815 -- Nikita Khrushchev 35816% 35817Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories. 35818 -- Arthur C. Clarke 35819% 35820Politicians speak for their parties, and parties never are, never have 35821been, and never will be wrong. 35822 -- Walter Dwight 35823% 35824Politics -- the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign 35825funds from the rich by promising to protect each from the other. 35826 -- Oscar Ameringer 35827% 35828Politics and the fate of mankind are formed by men without ideals and 35829without greatness. Those who have greatness within them do not go in 35830for politics. 35831 -- Albert Camus 35832% 35833Politics are almost as exciting as war, and quite as 35834dangerous. In war, you can only be killed once. 35835 -- Winston Churchill 35836% 35837Politics, as a practice, whatever its professions, has always been the 35838systematic organisation of hatreds. 35839 -- Henry Adams, "The Education of Henry Adams" 35840% 35841Politics is like coaching a football team. You have to be smart 35842enough to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest. 35843% 35844Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing 35845between the disastrous and the unpalatable. 35846 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 35847% 35848Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to 35849realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. 35850 -- Ronald Reagan 35851% 35852Politics is the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next 35853week, next month and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to 35854explain why it didn't happen. 35855 -- Winston Churchill 35856% 35857Politics, like religion, hold up the 35858torches of martyrdom to the reformers of error. 35859 -- Thomas Jefferson 35860% 35861Politics makes strange bedfellows, and journalism makes strange politics. 35862 -- Amy Gorin 35863% 35864politics, n: 35865 A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. 35866 The conduct of public affairs for private advantage. 35867 -- Ambrose Bierce 35868% 35869Pollyanna's Educational Constant: 35870 The hyperactive child is never absent. 35871% 35872POLYGON: 35873 Dead parrot. 35874% 35875Polymer physicists are into chains. 35876% 35877Poorman's Rule: 35878 When you pull a plastic garbage bag from its handy dispenser 35879 package, you always get hold of the closed end and try to 35880 pull it open. 35881% 35882Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the 35883Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866. The white 35884smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before it dawned 35885on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his name had hilarious 35886possibilities. The crowds fell about, helpless with laughter, singing 35887 35888 Half a pound of tuppenny rice 35889 Half a pound of treacle 35890 That's the way the chimney smokes 35891 Pope Goestheveezl 35892 35893The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of laughter 35894streaming down their faces. The event set a record for hilarious civic 35895functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron Hans Neizant 35896Bompzidaize was elected Landburgher of Koln in 1653. 35897 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 35898% 35899Populus vult decipi. 35900[The people like to be deceived.] 35901% 35902Porsche; there simply is no substitute. 35903 -- Risky Business 35904% 35905POSITIVE: 35906 Being mistaken at the top of your voice. 35907% 35908Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage. 35909 -- Ryan 35910% 35911Post proelium, praemium. 35912[After the battle, the reward.] 35913% 35914Postmen never die, they just lose their zip. 35915% 35916Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents: 35917 35918 SPUD ROGERS OF THE 25TH CENTURY: Story of an Air Force potato that's 35919left in a rarely used chow hall for over two centuries and wakes up in a world 35920populated by soybean created imitations under the evil Dick Tater. Thanks to 35921him, the soy-potatoes learn that being a 'tater is where it's at. Memorable 35922line, "'Cause I'm just a stud spud!" 35923 35924 FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER SERIES: Crazed potato who was left in a 35925fryer too long and was charbroiled carelessly returns to wreak havoc on 35926unsuspecting, would-be teen camp cooks. Scenes include a girl being stuffed 35927with chives and Fleischman's Margarine and a boy served up on a side dish 35928with beets and dressing. Definitely not for the squeamish, or those on 35929diets that are driving them crazy. 35930 35931 FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER II,III,IV,V,VI: Much, much more of the same. 35932Except with sour cream. 35933% 35934Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents: 35935 35936 THE TATERNATOR: Cyborg spud returns from the future to present-day 35937McDonald's restaurant to kill the potatoess (girl 'tater) who will give birth 35938to the world's largest french fry (The Dark Powers of Burger King are clearly 35939behind this). Most quotable line: "Ah'll be baked..." 35940 35941 A FISTFUL OF FRIES: Western in which our hero, The Spud with No Name, 35942rides into a town that's deprived of carbohydrates thanks to the evil takeover 35943of the low-cal Scallopinni Brothers. Plenty of smokeouts, fry-em-ups, and 35944general butter-melting by all. 35945 35946 FOR A FEW FRIES MORE: Takes up where AFOF left off! Cameo by Walter 35947Cronkite, as every man's common 'tater! 35948% 35949POVERTY: 35950 An unfortunate state that persists as long 35951 as anyone lacks anything he would like to have. 35952% 35953Poverty begins at home. 35954% 35955Poverty must have its satisfactions, else there would not be so many 35956poor people. 35957 -- Don Herold 35958% 35959POWER: 35960 The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA. 35961% 35962Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat. 35963 -- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy, 1981-1987 35964% 35965Power is poison. 35966% 35967Power is the finest token of affection. 35968% 35969Power, like a desolating pestilence, 35970Pollutes whate'er it touches... 35971 -- Percy Bysshe Shelley 35972% 35973Power tends to corrupt, absolute power corrupts absolutely. 35974 -- Lord Acton 35975% 35976PPRB -- Pillage, plunder, rape and burn. 35977% 35978Practical people would be more practical if 35979they would take a little more time for dreaming. 35980 -- J.P. McEvoy 35981% 35982Practical politics consists in ignoring facts. 35983 -- Henry Adams 35984% 35985Practically perfect people never permit 35986sentiment to muddle their thinking. 35987 -- Mary Poppins 35988% 35989Practice is the best of all instructors. 35990 -- Publilius 35991% 35992Practice yourself what you preach. 35993 -- Titus Maccius Plautus 35994% 35995PRAIRIES: 35996 Vast plains covered by treeless forests. 35997% 35998Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition. 35999 -- Stephen Coonts, "The Minotaur" 36000% 36001Praise the sea; on shore remain. 36002 -- John Florio 36003% 36004pray, n: 36005 To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf 36006 of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy. 36007 -- Ambrose Bierce 36008% 36009Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore. 36010 -- Russian Proverb 36011% 36012Predestination was doomed from the start. 36013% 36014Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future. 36015 -- Niels Bohr 36016% 36017Prejudice: 36018 A vagrant opinion without visible means of support. 36019 -- Ambrose Bierce 36020% 36021Premature optimization is the root of all evil. 36022 -- D.E. Knuth 36023% 36024Preserve the old, but know the new. 36025% 36026Preserve wildlife -- pickle a squirrel today! 36027% 36028Preserve Wildlife! Throw a party today! 36029% 36030President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic 36031pundits and forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax. 36032% 36033President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50% 36034of the vote. In a democracy, that's not called quitting. 36035 -- The Washington Post 36036% 36037Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist! 36038% 36039Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning: 36040 It's on the other side. 36041% 36042Price's Advice: 36043 It's all a game -- play it to have fun. 36044% 36045[Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves 36046the working man, he loves to see him work. 36047 -- Winston Churchill 36048% 36049[Prime Minister MacDonald] has the gift of compressing the 36050largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thought. 36051 -- Winston Churchill 36052% 36053Prince Hamlet thought Uncle a traitor 36054For having it off with his Mater; 36055 Revenge Dad or not? 36056 That's the gist of the plot, 36057And he did -- nine soliloquies later. 36058 -- Stanley J. Sharpless 36059% 36060Princeton's taste is sweet like a strawberry tart. Harvard's is a subtle 36061taste, like whiskey, coffee, or tobacco. It may even be a bad habit, for 36062all I know. 36063 -- Prof. J.H. Finley '25 36064% 36065Priority: 36066 A statement of the importance of a user or a program. Often 36067 expressed as a relative priority, indicating that the user doesn't 36068 care when the work is completed so long as he is treated less 36069 badly than someone else. 36070% 36071Prisons are built with stones of Law, brothels with bricks of Religion. 36072 -- Blake 36073% 36074Prizes are for children. 36075 -- Charles Ives, 36076 upon being given, but refusing, the Pulitzer prize 36077% 36078Pro is to con as progress is to Congress. 36079% 36080Probable-Possible, my black hen, 36081She lays eggs in the Relative When. 36082She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now 36083Because she's unable to postulate How. 36084 -- Frederick Winsor 36085% 36086PROBLEM DRINKER: 36087 A man who never buys. 36088% 36089Producers seem to be so prejudiced against actors who've had no training. 36090And there's no reason for it. So what if I didn't attend the Royal Academy 36091for twelve years? I'm still a professional trying to be the best actress 36092I can. Why doesn't anyone send me the scripts that Faye Dunaway gets? 36093 -- Farrah Fawcett-Majors 36094% 36095Profanity is the one language all programmers know best. 36096% 36097Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem Eng. 130 36098midterm. Once again a student did not receive a single point on his exam. 36099Newell has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter. Newell's earned exam average 36100has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%. 36101% 36102PROGRAM: 36103 Any task that can't be completed in one telephone call or one 36104 day. Once a task is defined as a program ("training program," 36105 "sales program," or "marketing program"), its implementation 36106 always justifies hiring at least three more people. 36107% 36108program, n: 36109 A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input 36110 into error messages. tr.v. To engage in a pastime similar to banging 36111 one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward. 36112% 36113Programmers do it bit by bit. 36114% 36115Programmers used to batch environments may find it hard to live 36116without giant listings; we would find it hard to use them. 36117 -- D.M. Ritchie 36118% 36119Programming Department: 36120 Mistakes made while you wait. 36121% 36122Programming is an unnatural act. 36123% 36124PROGRESS: 36125 Medieval man thought disease was caused by invisible demons 36126 invading the body and taking possession of it. 36127 36128 Modern man knows disease is caused by microscopic bacteria 36129 and viruses invading the body and causing it to malfunction. 36130% 36131Progress is impossible without change, and those who 36132cannot change their minds cannot change anything. 36133 -- G.B. Shaw 36134% 36135Progress means replacing a theory that 36136is wrong with one more subtly wrong. 36137% 36138Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long. 36139 -- Ogden Nash 36140% 36141Progress was all right. Only it went on too long. 36142 -- James Thurber 36143% 36144Promise her anything, but give her Exxon unleaded. 36145% 36146Promising costs nothing, it's the delivering that kills you. 36147% 36148PROMOTION FROM WITHIN: 36149 A system of moving incompetents up to the policy-making 36150 level where they can't foul up operations. 36151% 36152Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword. 36153% 36154Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction. 36155 36156This technique is used on equations with 'n' in them. Induction 36157techniques are very popular, even the military use them. 36158 36159SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction. 36160 36161 We know it's true for n equal to 1. Now assume that it's true 36162for every natural number less than n. N is arbitrary, so we can take n 36163as large as we want. If n is sufficiently large, the case of n+1 is 36164trivially equivalent, so the only important n are n less than n. We can 36165take n = n (from above), so it's true for n+1 because it's just about n. 36166 QED. (QED translates from the Latin as "So what?") 36167% 36168Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity. 36169 SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs. 36170[1] Horses have an even number of legs. 36171[2] They have two legs in back and fore legs in front. 36172[3] This makes a total of six legs, 36173 which certainly is an odd number of legs for a horse. 36174[4] But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity. 36175[5] Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs. 36176 36177Topics is be covered in future issues include proof by: 36178 intimidation, 36179 gesticulation (handwaving), 36180 "try it; it works", 36181 constipation (I was just sitting there and...), 36182 blatant assertion, 36183 changing all the 2's to n's, 36184 mutual consent, 36185 lack of a counterexample, and, 36186 "it stands to reason". 36187% 36188Proper treatment will cure a cold in seven days, 36189but left to itself, a cold will hang on for a week. 36190 -- Darrell Huff 36191% 36192Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them. 36193 -- Publilius Syrus 36194% 36195Prototype designs always work. 36196 -- Don Vonada 36197% 36198prototype, n. 36199 First stage in the life cycle of a computer product, followed by 36200 pre-alpha, alpha, beta, release version, corrected release version, 36201 upgrade, corrected upgrade, etc. Unlike its successors, the 36202 prototype is not expected to work. 36203% 36204Providence New Jersey is one of the few cities 36205where Velveeta cheese appears on the gourmet shelf. 36206% 36207Prunes give you a run for your money. 36208% 36209Pryor's Observation: 36210 How long you live has nothing to do 36211 with how long you are going to be dead. 36212% 36213Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' 36214shortcomings. 36215 -- Laurence J. Peter, "Peter's Principles" 36216% 36217Psychics will soon lead dogs to your body. 36218% 36219Psychoanalysis is that mental illness for which it regards itself 36220a therapy. 36221 -- Karl Kraus 36222 36223Psychiatry is the care of the id by the odd. 36224 36225Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you. 36226 -- C.G. Jung 36227% 36228psychologist, n: 36229 Someone who watches everyone else when an attractive woman walks 36230 into a room. 36231% 36232Psychologists think they're experimental psychologists. 36233Experimental psychologists think they're biologists. 36234Biologists think they're biochemists. 36235Biochemists think they're chemists. 36236Chemists think they're physical chemists. 36237Physical chemists think they're physicists. 36238Physicists think they're theoretical physicists. 36239Theoretical physicists think they're mathematicians. 36240Mathematicians think they're metamathematicians. 36241Metamathematicians think they're philosophers. 36242Philosophers think they're gods. 36243% 36244Psychology. Mind over matter. 36245Mind under matter? It doesn't matter. 36246Never mind. 36247% 36248Public use of any portable music system is a 36249virtually guaranteed indicator of sociopathic tendencies. 36250 -- Zoso 36251% 36252Publishing a volume of verse is like dropping 36253a rose petal down the Grand Canyon and waiting for the echo. 36254% 36255Pudder's Law: 36256 Anything that begins well will end badly. 36257 (Note: The converse of Pudder's law is not true.) 36258% 36259Punning is the worst vice, and there's no vice versa. 36260% 36261Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves to 36262spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to indicate 36263that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest person 36264on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in fact what you are 36265thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a lifeboat, the other 36266passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of the first day even if they 36267have plenty of food and water. 36268 -- Dave Barry 36269% 36270PURGE COMPLETE. 36271% 36272PURITAN: 36273 Someone who is deathly afraid that 36274 someone, somewhere, is having fun. 36275% 36276Puritanism -- the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy. 36277 -- H.L. Mencken, "A Book of Burlesques" 36278% 36279PURPITATION: 36280 To take something off the grocery shelf, decide you 36281 don't want it, and then put it in another section. 36282 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 36283% 36284Push where it gives and scratch where it itches. 36285% 36286Pushing 30 is exercise enough. 36287% 36288Pushing forty is exercise enough. 36289% 36290Put a pot of chili on the stove to simmer. 36291Let it simmer. Meanwhile, broil a good steak. 36292Eat the steak. Let the chili simmer. Ignore it. 36293 -- Recipe for chili from Allan Shrivers, former governor 36294 of Texas. 36295% 36296Put a rogue in the limelight and he will act like an honest man. 36297 -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims" 36298% 36299Put all your eggs in one basket and -- WATCH THAT BASKET. 36300 -- Mark Twain 36301% 36302Put another password in, 36303Bomb it out, then try again. 36304Try to get past logging in, 36305We're hacking, hacking, hacking. 36306 36307Try his first wife's maiden name, 36308This is more than just a game. 36309It's real fun, but just the same, 36310It's hacking, hacking, hacking. 36311% 36312Put cats in the coffee and mice in the tea! 36313% 36314Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust. 36315% 36316Put your best foot forward. 36317Or just call in and say you're sick. 36318% 36319Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth in motion. 36320% 36321Put your Nose to the Grindstone! 36322 -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd. 36323% 36324Put your trust in those who are worthy. 36325% 36326Putt's Law: 36327 Technology is dominated by two types of people: 36328 Those who understand what they do not manage. 36329 Those who manage what they do not understand. 36330% 36331Pyro's of the world... IGNITE !!! 36332% 36333Q: Are we not men? 36334A: We are Vaxen. 36335% 36336Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is? 36337A: One per person. 36338% 36339Q: Have you heard about the man who didn't pay for his exorcism? 36340A: He got re-possessed! 36341% 36342Q: How can we get the Beatles to reunite for one more concert? 36343A: With three more bullets. 36344% 36345Q: How can you tell if an elephant is having an affair with 36346 your wife? 36347A: You have to wait 22 months. 36348% 36349Q: How can you tell if an elephant is sitting on your back 36350 in a hurricane? 36351A: You can hear his ears flapping in the wind. 36352% 36353Q: How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying? 36354A: When his lips move. 36355% 36356Q: How did the elephant get to the top of the oak tree? 36357A: He sat on a acorn and waited for spring. 36358 36359Q: But how did he get back down? 36360A: He crawled out on a leaf and waited for autumn. 36361% 36362Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit? 36363A: Unique up on it! 36364 36365Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit? 36366A: The tame way! 36367% 36368Q: How do you keep a moron in suspense? 36369% 36370Q. How do you keep an Aggie busy at a terminal? 36371A. While he's not looking, switch it to "local". 36372% 36373Q: How do you know when you're in the <ethnic> section of Vermont? 36374A: The maple sap buckets are hanging on utility poles. 36375% 36376Q: How do you make an elephant float? 36377A: You get two scoops of elephant and some rootbeer... 36378% 36379Q: How do you play religious roulette? 36380A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets 36381 struck by lightning first. 36382% 36383Q: How do you save a drowning lawyer? 36384A: Throw him a rock. 36385% 36386Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant? 36387A: With a blue-elephant gun. 36388 36389Q: How do you shoot a pink elephant? 36390A: Twist its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with 36391 a blue-elephant gun. 36392% 36393Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging? 36394A: Take away his credit cards. 36395% 36396Q: How does a hacker fix a function which 36397 doesn't work for all of the elements in its domain? 36398A: He changes the domain. 36399% 36400Q: How does a single woman in New York get rid of cockroaches? 36401A: She asks them for a commitment. 36402% 36403Q: How does a WASP propose marriage? 36404A: "How would you like to be buried with my people?" 36405% 36406Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb? 36407A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment 36408 of license fee (binary only). 36409% 36410Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb? 36411A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being 36412 done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet. 36413% 36414Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 36415A: Five. One to screw in the lightbulb and four to share the 36416 experience. (Actually, Californians don't screw in 36417 lightbulbs, they screw in hot tubs.) 36418 36419Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? 36420A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all 36421 those Californians trying to share the experience. 36422% 36423Q: How many college football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 36424A: Only one, but he gets three credits for it. 36425% 36426Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat? 36427A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires. 36428 36429Q: How long does it take? 36430A: It's indeterminate. 36431 It will depend upon how many flats they've brought with them. 36432 36433Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats? 36434A: They replace your generator. 36435% 36436Q: How many Democrats does it take to enjoy a good joke? 36437A: One more than you can find. 36438% 36439Q: How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug? 36440A: Four. Two in the front, two in the back. 36441 36442Q: How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator? 36443A: There's a footprint in the mayo. 36444 36445Q: How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator? 36446A: There's two footprints in the mayo. 36447 36448Q: How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator? 36449A: The door won't shut. 36450 36451Q: How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator? 36452A: There's a VW Bug in your driveway. 36453% 36454Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? 36455A: None. We'll fix it in software. 36456 36457Q: How many system programmers does it take to change a light bulb? 36458A: None. The application can work around it. 36459 36460Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? 36461A: None. We'll document it in the manual. 36462 36463Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb? 36464A: None. The user can figure it out. 36465% 36466Q: How many Harvard MBA's does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 36467A: Just one. He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him. 36468% 36469Q: How many IBM 370's does it take to execute a job? 36470A: Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off. 36471% 36472Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to do a logical right shift? 36473A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register. 36474% 36475Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? 36476A: Fifteen. One to do it, and fourteen to write document number 36477 GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, 36478 of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally 36479 left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:..... 36480 consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks". 36481% 36482Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 36483A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring 36484 light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot 36485 to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for 36486 reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb-assassin to break 36487 the bulb in the first place. 36488% 36489Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? 36490A: One. Only it's his light bulb when he's done. 36491% 36492Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? 36493A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the 36494party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith 36495agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed 36496from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed 36497upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of 36498the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating 36499at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of 36500the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the 36501second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the 36502parties. 36503 The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be 36504limited to, the following. The party of the first part shall, with or without 36505elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other 36506means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party 36507of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered 36508non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part 36509becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall 36510have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner 36511consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes. 36512Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part 36513shall have the option of beginning installation. Aforesaid installation shall 36514occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in 36515step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation 36516should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. 36517The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the 36518first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to 36519produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership. 36520% 36521Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? 36522A: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if 36523 you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb... 36524% 36525Q: How many marketing people does it take to change a lightbulb? 36526A: I'll have to get back to you on that. 36527% 36528Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 36529A: None: The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution. 36530% 36531Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 36532A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem 36533 to the earlier joke. 36534% 36535Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a 36536 light bulb? 36537A: Seven. Scotty has to report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in 36538 the Engineering Section is getting dim, at which point Kirk will send 36539 Bones to pronounce the bulb dead (although he'll immediately claim 36540 that he's a doctor, not an electrician). Scotty, after checking 36541 around, realizes that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains 36542 that he "canna" see in the dark. Kirk will make an emergency stop at 36543 the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb 36544 from the natives, who, are friendly, but seem to be hiding something. 36545 Kirk, Spock, Bones, Yeoman Rand and two red shirt security officers 36546 beam down to the planet, where the two security officers are promptly 36547 killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. 36548 As something begins to develop between the Captain and Yeoman Rand, 36549 Scotty, back in orbit, is attacked by a Klingon destroyer and must 36550 warp out of orbit. Although badly outgunned, he cripples the Klingon 36551 and races back to the planet in order to rescue Kirk et. al. who have 36552 just saved the natives' from an awful fate and, as a reward, been 36553 given all lightbulbs they can carry. The new bulb is then inserted 36554 and the Enterprise continues on its five year mission. 36555% 36556Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light 36557 bulb? 36558A: Three. One to do it, one to watch, and the third to shoot the 36559 witness. 36560% 36561Q: How many pre-med's does it take to change a lightbulb? 36562A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder 36563 out from under him. 36564% 36565Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? 36566A: Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has 36567 to really want to change. 36568% 36569Q: "How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?" 36570A: "Twelve; one to screw the light-bulb in, and eleven to self-destruct 36571 the ship out of disgrace." 36572 36573 [Warning: do not tell this joke to Romulans or else be ready for 36574 a fight. They consider this it to be a disgrace, though it's 36575 pretty good for a LBJ. Ed.] 36576% 36577Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? 36578A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub 36579 with brightly colored machine tools. 36580 36581 [Surrealist jokes just aren't my cup of fur. Ed.] 36582% 36583Q: How many WASP's does it take to change a lightbulb? 36584A: One. 36585% 36586Q: How much does it cost to ride the Unibus? 36587A: 2 bits. 36588% 36589Q: How was Thomas J. Watson buried? 36590A: 9 edge down. 36591% 36592Q: Know what the difference between your latest project 36593 and putting wings on an elephant is? 36594A: Who knows? The elephant *might* fly, heh, heh... 36595% 36596Q: Minnesotans ask, "Why aren't there more pharmacists from Alabama?" 36597A: Easy. It's because they can't figure out how to get the little 36598 bottles into the typewriter. 36599% 36600Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars. 36601 What should I do? 36602 36603A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on 36604 believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably 36605 be the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you 36606 can. No time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to 36607 see if somebody else has made the correction. And it's not good 36608 enough to send the message by mail. Since you're the only one who 36609 really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have to inform the 36610 whole net right away! 36611 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 36612% 36613Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill? 36614A: "The elephants are coming over the hill." 36615 36616Q: What did he say when saw them coming over the hill wearing 36617 sunglasses? 36618A: Nothing, for he didn't recognize them. 36619% 36620Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common? 36621A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until 36622 they go down on you. 36623 36624Q: What's the advantage to being married to a blonde? 36625A: You can park in the handicapped zone. 36626 36627Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw 36628 puzzle in only 6 months? 36629A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years". 36630% 36631Q: What do little WASPs want to be when they grow up? 36632A: The very best person they can possibly be. 36633% 36634Q: What do monsters eat? 36635A: Things. 36636 36637Q: What do monsters drink? 36638A: Coke. (Because Things go better with Coke.) 36639% 36640Q: What do they call the alphabet in Arkansas? 36641A: The impossible dream. 36642% 36643Q: What do WASP's do instead of making love? 36644A: Rule the country. 36645% 36646Q: What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common? 36647A: The same middle name. 36648% 36649Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle? 36650A: A dope ring. 36651 36652Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails? 36653A: To cover up the valve stem. 36654 36655Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw 36656 puzzle in only 6 months? 36657A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years". 36658% 36659Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal? 36660A: Diyathinkhesaurus. 36661 36662Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal with a dog? 36663A: Diyathinkhesaurus Rex. 36664% 36665Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? 36666A: A stick. 36667% 36668Q: What do you call a brunette between two blondes? 36669A: An interpreter. 36670 36671Q: Why do blondes have square breasts? 36672A: They forgot to take the tissues out of the box. 36673 36674Q: What do you call ten blonds in a row? 36675A: A wind tunnel. 36676% 36677Q: What do you call a dog with no legs? 36678A: What does it matter? He can't come anyway. 36679 36680 [I got a dog with no legs -- I call him Cigarette. 36681 Every night, I take him out for a drag. Ed.] 36682% 36683Q: What do you call a group of kids with low IQ's, drinking diet cola, 36684 eating fruit, and singing? 36685A: The Moron Tab and Apple Choir. 36686% 36687Q: What do you call a half-dozen Indians with Asian flu? 36688A: Six sick Sikhs (sic). 36689% 36690Q: What do you call a million cats at the bottom of Lake Michigan? 36691A: A good start. 36692% 36693Q: What do you call a principal female opera singer whose high C 36694 is lower than those of other principal female opera singers? 36695A: A deep C diva. 36696% 36697Q. What do you call a TV set that fixes itself? 36698A. A Christian Science Monitor. 36699% 36700Q: What do you call a WASP who doesn't work for his father, isn't a 36701 lawyer, and believes in social causes? 36702A: A failure. 36703% 36704Q: What do you call the money you pay to the government when 36705 you ride into the country on the back of an elephant? 36706A: A howdah duty. 36707% 36708Q: What do you call the scratches that you get when a female 36709 sheep bites you? 36710A: Ewe nicks. 36711% 36712Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? 36713A: An offer you can't understand. 36714% 36715Q: What do you get when you stuff a flaming stick down a rabbit-hole? 36716A: Hot cross bunnies! 36717% 36718Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand? 36719A: Not enough sand. 36720% 36721Q: What does a blonde do first theing in the morning? 36722A: She goes home. 36723 36724Q: Why does blonde have fur on the hem of her dress? 36725A: To keep her neck warm. 36726 36727Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday? 36728A: Tell her a joke on Friday. 36729% 36730Q: What does a WASP Mom make for dinner? 36731A: A crisp salad, a hearty soup, a lovely entree, followed by 36732 a delicious dessert. 36733% 36734Q: What does it say on the bottom of Coke cans in North Dakota? 36735A: Open other end. 36736% 36737Q: What goes: Sis! Boom! Baaaaah! 36738A: Exploding sheep. 36739% 36740Q: What happens when four WASP's find themselves in the same room? 36741A: A dinner party. 36742% 36743Q: What is green and lives in the ocean? 36744A: Moby Pickle. 36745% 36746Q: What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has two of? 36747A: Feet. 36748% 36749Q: What is orange and goes "click, click?" 36750A: A ball point carrot. 36751% 36752Q: What is printed on the bottom of beer bottles in Minnesota? 36753A: Open other end. 36754% 36755Q: What is purple and commutes? 36756A: A boolean grape. 36757% 36758Q: What is purple and commutes? 36759A: An Abelian grape. 36760% 36761Q: What is purple and concord the world? 36762A: Alexander the Grape. 36763% 36764Q: "What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic 36765 existentialist?" 36766A: "Is there a dog?" 36767% 36768Q: What is the difference between a duck? 36769A: One leg is both the same. 36770% 36771Q: What is the difference between Texas and yogurt? 36772A: Yogurt has culture. 36773% 36774Q: What is the last thing a Kansas stripper takes off? 36775A: Her bowling shoes. 36776% 36777Q: What is the mating call of a blonde? 36778A: I think I'm drunk. 36779 36780Q: What's the call of a disappointed blonde? 36781A: I *said*, I *think* I'm drunk! 36782 36783Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde? 36784A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!" 36785% 36786Q: What is the sound of one cat napping? 36787A: Mu. 36788% 36789Q: What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches? 36790A: A nervous wreck. 36791% 36792Q: What looks like a cat, flies like a bat, brays like a donkey, and 36793 plays like a monkey? 36794A: Nothing. 36795% 36796Q: What's black and white and red all over? 36797A: Two nuns in a chainsaw fight. 36798% 36799Q: What's bruised, bleeding, and lies in a ditch? 36800A: Somebody who tells Aggie jokes. 36801% 36802Q: What's tan and black and looks great on a lawyer? 36803A: A doberman. 36804% 36805Q: What's the Blonde's cheer? 36806A: I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N... ah, oh well.. 36807 I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea... 36808 36809Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette? 36810A: Artificial intelligence. 36811 36812Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? 36813A: Shine a flashlight in their ear. 36814% 36815Q. What's the capital of Canada? 36816A. American. 36817% 36818Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead 36819 lawyer in the road? 36820A: There are skid marks in front of the dog. 36821% 36822Q: What's the difference between a duck and an elephant? 36823A: You can't get down off an elephant. 36824% 36825Q: What's the difference between a Mac and an Etch-a-Sketch? 36826A: You don't have to shake the Mac to clear the screen. 36827% 36828Q: What's the difference between a RHU cheerleader and a whale? 36829A: The moustache. 36830% 36831Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake? 36832A: One more drunk. 36833% 36834Q: What's the difference between Bell Labs and the Boy Scouts of America? 36835A: The Boy Scouts have adult supervision. 36836% 36837Q. What's the difference between Los Angeles and yogurt? 36838A. Yogurt has a living, active culture. 36839% 36840Q: What's tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous? 36841A: A canary with the super-user password. 36842% 36843Q: What's yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice? 36844A: Zorn's Lemon. 36845% 36846Q: Where's the Lone Ranger take his garbage? 36847A: To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump! 36848 36849Q: What's the Pink Panther say when he steps on an ant hill? 36850A: Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant... 36851% 36852Q: Who cuts the grass on Walton's Mountain? 36853A: Lawn Boy. 36854% 36855Q: Why are Jewish divorces so expensive? 36856A: Because they're worth it! 36857% 36858Q: Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers? 36859A: Because he was hungry. 36860% 36861Q: Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall? 36862A: To see what was on the other side. 36863 36864Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering wheels? 36865A: More head room. 36866 36867Q: How does a blonde turn on the light after having sex? 36868A: She opens the car door. 36869% 36870Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? 36871A: He was giving it last rites. 36872% 36873Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? 36874A: To see his friend Gregory peck. 36875 36876Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground? 36877A: To get to the other slide. 36878% 36879Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope? 36880A: To get to the other slide. 36881% 36882Q: Why did the lone ranger kill Tonto? 36883A: He found out what "kimosabe" really means. 36884% 36885Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"? 36886A: Because he left a residue at every pole. 36887% 36888Q: Why did the programmer call his mother long distance? 36889A: Because that was her name. 36890% 36891Q: Why did the WASP cross the road? 36892A: To get to the middle. 36893% 36894Q: Why do ducks have big flat feet? 36895A: To stamp out forest fires. 36896 36897Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet? 36898A: To stamp out flaming ducks. 36899% 36900Q: Why do firemen wear red suspenders? 36901A: To conform with departmental regulations concerning uniform dress. 36902% 36903Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together? 36904A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home. 36905% 36906Q: Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads? 36907A: Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise? 36908 Oh, right, *of course*! 36909% 36910Q: Why do the police always travel in threes? 36911A: One to do the reading, one to do the writing, and the other keeps 36912 an eye on the two intellectuals. 36913% 36914Q: Why does Washington have the most lawyers per capita and 36915 New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps? 36916A: God gave New Jersey first choice. 36917% 36918Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles? 36919A: Because they get their head stuck in the jars. 36920 36921Q: Why do blondes wear underwear? 36922A: To keep their ankles warm. 36923 36924Q: How do you kill a blonde? 36925A: Put spikes in her shoulder pads. 36926% 36927Q: Why don't lawyers go to the beach? 36928A: The cats keep trying to bury them. 36929% 36930Q: Why don't Scotsmen ever have coffee the way they like it? 36931A: Well, they like it with two lumps of sugar. If they drink 36932 it at home, they only take one, and if they drink it while 36933 visiting, they always take three. 36934% 36935Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? 36936A: You do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit 36937 gets all the credit. 36938% 36939Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation 36940 function, the more expensive it becomes to compute? 36941A: That's the Law of Spline Demand. 36942% 36943Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? 36944A: It takes too long to retrain them. 36945 36946Q: What's the mating call of the brunette? 36947A: All the blondes have gone home! 36948 36949Q: How do you tell if a blonde's been using the computer? 36950A: There's white-out on the screen. 36951% 36952Q: Why should you always serve a Southern Carolina football man 36953 soup in a plate? 36954A: 'Cause if you give him a bowl, he'll throw it away. 36955% 36956Q: Why was Stonehenge abandoned? 36957A: It wasn't IBM compatible. 36958% 36959Q: What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard? 36960A: You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand! 36961% 36962Q: What's the difference between USL and the Graf Zeppelin? 36963A: The Graf Zeppelin represented cutting edge technology for its time. 36964% 36965Q: What's the difference between USL and the Titanic? 36966A: The Titanic had a band. 36967% 36968QED. 36969% 36970QOTD: 36971 "It's not the despair... I can stand the despair. It's the hope." 36972% 36973QOTD: 36974 "A child of 5 could understand this! Fetch me a child of 5." 36975% 36976QOTD: 36977 "A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem." 36978% 36979QOTD: 36980 All I want is a little more than I'll ever get. 36981% 36982QOTD: 36983 All I want is more than my fair share. 36984% 36985QOTD: 36986 "Dead people are good at running because they don't 36987 have to stop and breathe." 36988 -- Hokey, watching "Night of the Living Dead" 36989% 36990QOTD: 36991 "Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone." 36992% 36993QOTD: 36994 "East is east... and let's keep it that way." 36995% 36996QOTD: 36997 "Every morning I read the obituaries; if my name's not there, 36998 I go to work." 36999% 37000QOTD: 37001 Flash! Flash! I love you! ...but we only have fourteen hours to 37002 save the earth! 37003% 37004QOTD: 37005 "He eats like a bird... five times his own weight each day." 37006% 37007QOTD: 37008 "Her other car is a broom." 37009% 37010QOTD: 37011 "He's a perfectionist. If he married Raquel Welch, he'd expect 37012 her to cook." 37013% 37014QOTD: 37015 "He's such a hick he doesn't even have a trapeze in his bedroom." 37016% 37017QOTD: 37018 How can I miss you if you won't go away? 37019% 37020QOTD: 37021 "I ain't broke, but I'm badly bent." 37022% 37023QOTD: 37024 "I am not sure what this is, but an 'F' would only dignify it." 37025% 37026QOTD: 37027 "I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the 37028other hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out." 37029% 37030QOTD: 37031 "I drive my car quietly, for it goes without saying." 37032% 37033QOTD: 37034 "I haven't come far enough, and don't call me baby." 37035% 37036QOTD: 37037 I love your outfit, does it come in your size? 37038% 37039QOTD: 37040 "I may not be able to walk, but I drive from the sitting position." 37041% 37042QOTD: 37043 "I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!" 37044% 37045QOTD: 37046 I opened Pandora's box, let the cat out of the bag and put the 37047 ball in their court. 37048 -- Hon. J. Hacker (The Ministry of Administrative Affairs) 37049% 37050QOTD: 37051 "I sprinkled some baking powder over a couple of potatoes, but it 37052 didn't work." 37053% 37054QOTD: 37055 "I thought I saw a unicorn on the way over, but it was just a 37056 horse with one of the horns broken off." 37057% 37058QOTD: 37059 "I treat her like a thoroughbred, and she's STILL a nag!" 37060% 37061QOTD: 37062 "I tried buying a goat instead of a lawn tractor; had to return 37063 it though. Couldn't figure out a way to connect the snow blower." 37064% 37065QOTD: 37066 "I used to be an idealist, but I got mugged by reality." 37067% 37068QOTD: 37069 "I used to be lost in the shuffle, now I just shuffle along with 37070 the lost." 37071% 37072QOTD: 37073 "I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance." 37074% 37075QOTD: 37076 "I used to go to UCLA, but then my Dad got a job." 37077% 37078QOTD: 37079 "I used to jog, but the ice kept bouncing out of my glass." 37080% 37081QOTD: 37082 "I won't say he's untruthful, but his wife has to call the 37083 dog for dinner." 37084% 37085QOTD: 37086 "I'd never marry a woman who didn't like pizza. I might play 37087 golf with her, but I wouldn't marry her." 37088% 37089QOTD: 37090 "If he learns from his mistakes, pretty soon he'll know everything." 37091% 37092QOTD: 37093 "If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the aftershave." 37094% 37095QOTD: 37096 "If I'm what I eat, I'm a chocolate chip cookie." 37097% 37098QOTD: 37099 If it's too loud, you're too old. 37100% 37101QOTD: 37102 "If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it." 37103% 37104QOTD: 37105 If you're looking for trouble, I can offer you a wide selection. 37106% 37107QOTD: 37108 "I'll listen to reason when it comes out on CD." 37109% 37110QOTD: 37111 "I'm just a boy named 'su'..." 37112% 37113QOTD: 37114 I'm not a nerd -- I'm "socially challenged". 37115% 37116QOTD: 37117 I'm not bald -- I'm "hair challenged". 37118 37119 [I thought that was "differently haired". Ed.] 37120% 37121QOTD: 37122 "I'm not really for apathy, but I'm not against it either..." 37123% 37124QOTD: 37125 "I'm on a seafood diet -- I see food and I eat it." 37126% 37127QOTD: 37128 "In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy department." 37129% 37130QOTD: 37131 "It seems to me that your antenna doesn't bring in too many 37132 stations anymore." 37133% 37134QOTD: 37135 "It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his 37136 hands in his own pockets." 37137% 37138QOTD: 37139 "It's a cold bowl of chili, when love don't work out." 37140% 37141QOTD: 37142 "It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear." 37143% 37144QOTD: 37145 "It's been Monday all week today." 37146% 37147QOTD: 37148 "It's been real and it's been fun, but it hasn't been real fun." 37149% 37150QOTD: 37151 "It's hard to tell whether he has an ace up his sleeve or if 37152 the ace is missing from his deck altogether." 37153% 37154QOTD: 37155 "It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name." 37156% 37157QOTD: 37158 "It's sort of a threat, you see. I've never been very good at 37159 them myself, but I'm told they can be very effective." 37160% 37161QOTD: 37162 "I've always wanted to work in the Federal Mint. And then go on 37163 strike. To make less money." 37164% 37165QOTD: 37166 "I've got one last thing to say before I go; give me back 37167 all of my stuff." 37168% 37169QOTD: 37170 I've heard about civil Engineers, but I've never met one. 37171% 37172QOTD: 37173 "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing 37174 trivial." 37175% 37176QOTD: 37177 "Just how much can I get away with and still go to heaven?" 37178% 37179QOTD: 37180 "Let's do it." 37181 -- Gary Gilmore 37182% 37183QOTD: 37184 "Like this rose, our love will wilt and die." 37185% 37186QOTD: 37187 Ludwig Boltzmann, who spend much of his life studying statistical 37188 mechanics died in 1906 by his own hand. Paul Ehrenfest, carrying 37189 on the work, died similarly in 1933. Now it is our turn. 37190 -- Goodstein, States of Matter 37191% 37192QOTD: 37193 Money isn't everything, but at least it keeps the kids in touch. 37194% 37195QOTD: 37196 "My ambition is to marry a rich woman who's too proud to let 37197 her husband work." 37198% 37199QOTD: 37200 "My life is a soap opera, but who gets the movie rights?" 37201% 37202QOTD: 37203 My mother was the travel agent for guilt trips. 37204% 37205QOTD: 37206 "My shampoo lasts longer than my relationships." 37207% 37208QOTD: 37209 "Of course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with 37210 a fake?" 37211% 37212QOTD: 37213 "Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy." 37214% 37215QOTD: 37216 "Oh, no, no... I'm not beautiful. Just very, very pretty." 37217% 37218QOTD: 37219 "Our parents were never our age." 37220% 37221QOTD: 37222 "Overweight is when you step on your dog's tail and it dies." 37223% 37224QOTD: 37225 "Say, you look pretty athletic. What say we put a pair of tennis 37226 shoes on you and run you into the wall?" 37227% 37228QOTD: 37229 Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing. 37230% 37231QOTD: 37232 "She's about as smart as bait." 37233% 37234QOTD: 37235 Silence is the only virtue he has left. 37236% 37237QOTD: 37238 Some people have one of those days. I've had one of those lives. 37239% 37240QOTD: 37241 "Sure, I turned down a drink once. Didn't understand the question." 37242% 37243QOTD: 37244 Talent does what it can, genius what it must. 37245 I do what I get paid to do. 37246% 37247QOTD: 37248 "The baby was so ugly they had to hang a pork chop around its 37249 neck to get the dog to play with it." 37250% 37251QOTD: 37252 "The elder gods went to Suggoth and all I got was this lousy T-shirt." 37253% 37254QOTD: 37255 The forest may be quiet, but that doesn't mean 37256 the snakes have gone away. 37257% 37258QOTD: 37259 "There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm sure looking." 37260% 37261QOTD: 37262 "This is a one line proof... if we start sufficiently far to the 37263 left." 37264% 37265QOTD: 37266 "To hell with patience, I'm gonna kill me something!" 37267% 37268QOTD: 37269 "Unlucky? If I bought a pumpkin farm, they'd cancel Halloween." 37270% 37271QOTD: 37272 "What do you mean, you had the dog fixed? Just what made you 37273 think he was broken!" 37274% 37275QOTD: 37276 "What I like most about myself is that I'm so understanding 37277 when I mess things up." 37278% 37279QOTD: 37280 "What women and psychologists call `dropping your armor', we call 37281 "baring your neck." 37282% 37283QOTD: 37284 "Who? Me? No, no, NO!! But I do sell rugs." 37285% 37286QOTD: 37287 "Wouldn't it be wonderful if real life supported control-Z?" 37288% 37289QOTD: 37290 Y'know how s'm people treat th'r body like a TEMPLE? 37291 Well, I treat mine like 'n AMUSEMENT PARK... S'great... 37292% 37293QOTD: 37294 "You want me to put *holes* in my ears and hang things from them? 37295 How... tribal." 37296% 37297QOTD: 37298 "You're so dumb you don't even have wisdom teeth." 37299% 37300QOTD: 37301Everything I am today I owe to people, whom it is now 37302to late to punish. 37303% 37304QOTD: 37305I looked out my window, and saw Kyle Pettys' car upside down, 37306then I thought 'One of us is in real trouble'. 37307 -- Davey Allison, on a 150 m.p.h. crash 37308% 37309QOTD: 37310"I want a home, a family, an occasional spanking ..." 37311 -- Kathy Ireland 37312% 37313QOTD: 37314"It wouldn't have been anything, even if it were gonna be a thing." 37315% 37316QOTD: 37317Lack of planning on your part doesn't constitute an emergency 37318on my part. 37319% 37320QOTD: 37321On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say... oh, somewhere in there. 37322% 37323QOTD: 37324Sacred cows make great hamburgers. 37325% 37326QOTD: 37327The only easy way to tell a hamster from a gerbil is that the 37328gerbil has more dark meat. 37329% 37330Quack! 37331 Quack!! Quack!! 37332% 37333Quality control: 37334 Assuring that the quality of a product does not get out of hand 37335 and add to the cost of its manufacture or design. 37336% 37337QUALITY CONTROL: 37338 The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off a 37339 production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works. 37340% 37341Quantity is no substitute for quality, 37342but its the only one we've got. 37343% 37344Quantum Mechanics is a lovely introduction to Hilbert Spaces! 37345 -- Overheard at last year's Archimedeans' Garden Party 37346% 37347Quantum Mechanics is God's version of "Trust me." 37348% 37349QUARK: 37350 The sound made by a well bred duck. 37351% 37352Quark! Quark! Beware the quantum duck! 37353% 37354Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in 37355exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday. Mannis feels he must 37356devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might emanate 37357from a recent statement he made comparing New York Mayor Ed Koch to 37358Nazi Martin Bormann. A spokesman from the Bormann estate said they are 37359weighing the odds of a slander suit. Mayor Koch could naturally be 37360reached for comment, but we chose not to listen. 37361 -- Dennis Miller 37362% 37363Question: 37364 Man Invented Alcohol, 37365 God Invented Grass. 37366 Whom do you trust? 37367% 37368question = ( to ) ? be : ! be; 37369 -- Wm. Shakespeare 37370% 37371QUESTION AUTHORITY. 37372 37373(Sez who?) 37374% 37375Question: Is it better to abide by the rules until 37376they're changed or help speed the change by breaking them? 37377% 37378Questionable day. 37379Ask somebody something. 37380% 37381Questions are never indiscreet, answers sometimes are. 37382 -- Oscar Wilde 37383% 37384Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened! 37385% 37386Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum videtur. 37387 37388(Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.) 37389% 37390Quigley's Law: 37391 Whoever has any authority over you, 37392 no matter how small, will attempt to use it. 37393% 37394Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away. 37395 -- Robert Orben 37396% 37397Quite frankly, I don't like you humans. 37398After what you all have done, I find being "inhuman" a compliment. 37399% 37400Qvid me anxivs svm? 37401% 37402Radicalism: 37403 The conservatism of tomorrow injected into the affairs of today. 37404 -- A. Bierce 37405% 37406RADIO SHACK LEVEL II BASIC 37407READY 37408>_ 37409% 37410Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. 37411% 37412Raffiniert ist der Herrgott aber boshaft ist er nicht. 37413 -- Albert Einstein 37414% 37415rain falls where clouds come 37416sun shines where clouds go 37417clouds just come and go 37418 -- Florian Gutzwiller 37419% 37420Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down. 37421% 37422Rainy days and Mondays always get me down. 37423% 37424Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity. 37425% 37426Ralph's Observation: 37427It is a mistake to let any mechanical object 37428realise that you are in a hurry. 37429% 37430RAM wasn't built in a day. 37431% 37432Random, n: 37433 as in number, predictable. 37434 as in memory access, unpredictable. 37435% 37436Rarely do people communicate; they just take turns talking. 37437% 37438Rascal, am I? Take THAT! 37439 -- Errol Flynn 37440% 37441Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something I 37442saw at the airport... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of computer 37443magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport store. Does it 37444bother anyone else that half the world is being told all of our hard-won 37445secrets of computer technology? Remember how all the lawyers cried foul 37446when "How to Avoid Probate" was published? Are they taking no-fault 37447insurance lying down? No way! But at the current rate it won't be long 37448before there are stacks of the "Transactions on Information Theory" at the 37449A&P checkout counters. Who's going to be impressed with us electrical 37450engineers then? Are we, as the saying goes, giving away the store? 37451 -- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE president 37452% 37453Razors pain you; 37454Rivers are damp; 37455Acids stain you; 37456And drugs cause cramp. 37457Guns aren't lawful; 37458Nooses give; 37459Gas smells awful; 37460You might as well live. 37461 -- Dorothy Parker, "Resume", 1926 37462% 37463Re: Graphics: 37464 A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe 37465 the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately 37466 described with pictures. 37467% 37468Reach into the thoughts of friends, 37469And find they do not know your name. 37470Squeeze the teddy bear too tight, 37471And watch the feathers burst the seams. 37472Touch the stained glass with your cheek, 37473And feel its chill upon your blood. 37474Hold a candle to the night, 37475And see the darkness bend the flame. 37476Tear the mask of peace from God, 37477And hear the roar of souls in hell. 37478Pluck a rose in name of love, 37479And watch the petals curl and wilt. 37480Lean upon the western wind, 37481And know you are alone. 37482 -- Dru Mims 37483% 37484Reactor error - core dumped! 37485% 37486Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own. 37487% 37488Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body. 37489% 37490Reagan can't act either. 37491% 37492Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware has 37493limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing machines are 37494so poor at I/O. 37495% 37496Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker with 37497`programming systems', but those are so high level that they hardly count 37498(and rarely count accurately; precision is for applications). 37499% 37500Real computer scientists like having a computer on their desk, else how 37501could they read their mail? 37502% 37503Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run on 37504future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo sapiens 37505will ever be able to fit on a single planet. 37506% 37507Real programmers admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic value but they 37508find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is much too large to 37509implement. Most computer scientists don't notice this because they are 37510still arguing over what else to add to ADA. 37511% 37512Real programmers don't document; if it was 37513hard to write, it should be hard to understand. 37514% 37515Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the 37516illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much 37517good it did them. 37518% 37519Real Programmers don't eat quiche. They eat Twinkies and Szechwan food. 37520% 37521Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires 37522you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers 37523wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly 37524spring up in the middle of the machine room. 37525% 37526Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN. 37527FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies. 37528% 37529Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for 37530programmers who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN. 37531% 37532Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue. 37533% 37534Real programs don't eat cache. 37535% 37536Real Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they 37537use functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them? 37538% 37539Real wealth can only increase. 37540 -- R. Buckminster Fuller 37541% 37542Real World, The n.: 37543 1. In programming, those institutions at which programming may be 37544used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc. 2. To 37545programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities not related to 37546programming. 3. A universe in which the standard dress is shirt and tie 37547and in which a person's working hours are defined as 9 to 5. 4. The location 37548of the status quo. 5. Anywhere outside a university. "Poor fellow, he's 37549left MIT and gone into T.R.W." Used pejoratively by those not in residence 37550there. In conversation, talking of someone who has entered the real world 37551is not unlike talking about a deceased person. 37552% 37553Reality -- what a concept! 37554 -- Robin Williams 37555% 37556Reality always seems harsher in the early morning. 37557% 37558Reality does not exist - yet. 37559% 37560Reality is an obstacle to hallucination. 37561% 37562Reality is for people who can't deal with drugs. 37563 -- Lily Tomlin 37564% 37565Reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction. 37566% 37567Reality is nothing but a collective hunch. 37568 -- Lily Tomlin 37569% 37570Reality must take precedence over public relations, for Mother Nature 37571cannot be fooled. 37572 -- R.P. Feynman 37573% 37574Really?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!! 37575% 37576Reappraisal, n: 37577 An abrupt change of mind after being found out. 37578% 37579Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it. 37580 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" 37581% 37582Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than being 37583flat broke and having a stomach ache. 37584 -- Dolph Sharp 37585% 37586Recent investments will yield a slight profit. 37587% 37588Recent research has tended to show that the Abominable No-Man 37589is being replaced by the Prohibitive Procrastinator. 37590 -- C.N. Parkinson 37591% 37592Recently deceased blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan "comes to" after 37593his death. He sees Jimi Hendrix sitting next to him, tuning his guitar. 37594"Holy cow," he thinks to himself, "this guy is my idol." Over at the 37595microphone, about to sing, are Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin, and the 37596bassist is the late Barry Oakley of the Allman Brothers. So Stevie 37597Ray's thinking, "Oh, wow! I've died and gone to rock and roll heaven." 37598Just then, Karen Carpenter walks in, sits down at the drums, and says: 37599"'Close to You'. Hit it, boys!" 37600 -- Told by Penn Jillette, of magic/comedy duo Penn and Teller 37601% 37602Reception area, n: 37603 The purgatory where office visitors are condemned to spend 37604 innumerable hours reading dog-eared back issues of trade 37605 magazines like Modern Plastics, Chain Saw Age, and Chicken World, 37606 while the receptionist blithely reads her own trade magazine -- 37607 Cosmopolitan. 37608% 37609Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you 37610lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict, 37611but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and 37612Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 recessions. 37613% 37614Recipe for a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster: 37615 (1) Take the juice from one bottle of Ol' Janx Spirit 37616 (2) Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of 37617 Santraginus V (Oh, those Santraginean fish!) 37618 (3) Allow 3 cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the 37619 mixture (properly iced or the benzine is lost.) 37620 (4) Allow four liters of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it. 37621 (5) Over the back of a silver spoon, float a measure of 37622 Qualactin Hypermint extract. 37623 (6) Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger. Watch it dissolve. 37624 (7) Sprinkle Zamphuor. 37625 (8) Add an olive. 37626 (9) Drink... but... very carefully... 37627% 37628Reclaimer, spare that tree! 37629Take not a single bit! 37630It used to point to me, 37631Now I'm protecting it. 37632It was the reader's CONS 37633That made it, paired by dot; 37634Now, GC, for the nonce, 37635Thou shalt reclaim it not. 37636% 37637Recursion is the root of computation 37638since it trades description for time. 37639% 37640Recursion: n. See Recursion. 37641 -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary 37642% 37643Regardless of whether a mission expands or contracts, 37644administrative overhead continues to grow at a steady rate. 37645% 37646Regnant populi. 37647% 37648Regression analysis: 37649 Mathematical techniques for trying to understand why things are 37650 getting worse. 37651% 37652Reichel's Law: 37653 A body on vacation tends to remain on vacation unless acted upon by 37654 an outside force. 37655% 37656Reinhart was never his mother's favorite -- and he was an only child. 37657 -- Thomas Berger 37658% 37659Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia: 37660 If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it. 37661% 37662Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven't the remotest 37663knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die. 37664 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Importance of Being Earnest" 37665% 37666...relaxed in the manner of a man who 37667has no need to put up a front of any kind. 37668 -- John Ball, "Mark One: the Dummy" 37669% 37670Reliable source, n: 37671 The guy you just met. 37672% 37673Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin. 37674 -- Anatole France 37675% 37676Religion is a crutch, but that's okay... humanity is a cripple. 37677% 37678Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. 37679 -- Napoleon 37680% 37681Religions revolve madly around sexual questions. 37682% 37683Rembrandt is not to be compared in the painting of character with our 37684extraordinarily gifted English artist, Mr. Rippingille. 37685 -- John Hunt, British editor, scholar and art critic 37686 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak" 37687% 37688Remember -- only 10% of anything can be in the top 10%. 37689% 37690Remember Darwin; building a better 37691mousetrap merely results in smarter mice. 37692% 37693Remember, DESSERT is spelled with two `s's while DESERT is spelled 37694with one, because EVERYONE wants two desserts, but NO ONE wants two 37695deserts. 37696 -- Miss Oglethorp, Gr. 5, PS. 59 37697% 37698Remember folks. Street lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph. 37699 -- Jim Samuels 37700% 37701Remember, God could only create the world in 6 days because he didn't 37702have an established user base. 37703% 37704Remember, Grasshopper, falling down 1000 stairs begins by tripping over 37705the first one. 37706 -- Confusion 37707% 37708"Remember, if it's being done correctly, here or abroad, it's 37709*not* the U.S. Army doing it!" 37710 -- Good Morning Vietnam 37711% 37712Remember kids, if there's a loaded gun in the room, be sure 37713that you're the one holding it. 37714 -- Mr. Greenfatigues 37715% 37716Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life. 37717 -- Dave Butler 37718% 37719Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when 37720you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. 37721 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 37722% 37723Remember that there is an outside world to see and enjoy. 37724 -- Hans Liepmann 37725% 37726Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, 37727it could only be worse in Cleveland. 37728% 37729Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular? 37730% 37731Remember the... the... uhh..... 37732% 37733Remember thee 37734Ay, thou poor ghost while memory holds a seat 37735In this distracted globe. Remember thee! 37736Yea, from the table of my memory 37737I'll wipe away all trivial fond records, 37738All saws of books, all forms, all pressures past, 37739That youth and observation copied there. 37740 -- William Shakespear, "Hamlet" 37741% 37742Remember to say hello to your bank teller. 37743% 37744Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU. 37745 -- Mt. 37746% 37747Remember: use logout to logout. 37748% 37749Remembering is for those who have forgotten. 37750 -- Chinese proverb 37751% 37752Remove me from this land of slaves, 37753Where all are fools, and all are knaves, 37754Where every knave and fool is bought, 37755Yet kindly sells himself for nought; 37756 -- Jonathan Swift 37757% 37758Removing the straw that broke the camel's back 37759does not necessarily allow the camel to walk again. 37760% 37761Renning's Maxim: 37762 Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying. 37763% 37764Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late. 37765 -- Mark Twain 37766% 37767Repel them. Repel them. Induce them to relinquish the spheroid. 37768 -- Indiana University footbal cheer 37769% 37770Reply hazy, ask again later. 37771% 37772Reporter: 37773 A writer who guesses his way to the truth 37774 and dispels it with a tempest of words. 37775 -- Ambrose Bierce 37776% 37777Reporter: "How did you like school when you were growing up, Yogi?" 37778Yogi Berra: "Closed." 37779% 37780Reporter: "What would you do if you found a million dollars?" 37781Yogi Berra: "If the guy was poor, I would give it back." 37782% 37783Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): 37784 Mr. Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization? 37785Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea. 37786% 37787Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians and eyebrows. 37788Democrats raise Airedales, kids and taxes. 37789 37790Democrats eat the fish they catch. 37791Republicans hang them on the wall. 37792 37793Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry 37794Republican girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first. 37795 37796Democrats make up plans and then do something else. 37797Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made. 37798 37799Republicans sleep in twin beds -- some even in separate rooms. 37800That is why there are more Democrats. 37801 -- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules" 37802% 37803Reputation, adj: 37804 What others are not thinking about you. 37805% 37806Research is the best place to be: you work your buns off, and if it works 37807you're a hero; if it doesn't, well -- nobody else has done it yet either, 37808so you're still a valiant nerd. 37809% 37810Research is to see what everybody else has seen, 37811and think what nobody else has thought. 37812% 37813Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. 37814 -- Wernher von Braun 37815% 37816Research, n: 37817 Consider Columbus: 37818 He didn't know where he was going. 37819 When he got there he didn't know where he was. 37820 When he got back he didn't know where he had been. 37821 And he did it all on someone else's money. 37822% 37823Resisting temptation is easier when you 37824think you'll probably get another chance later on. 37825% 37826Responsibility: 37827 Everyone says that having power is a great responsibility. This is 37828a lot of bunk. Responsibility is when someone can blame you if something 37829goes wrong. When you have power you are surrounded by people whose job it 37830is to take the blame for your mistakes. If they're smart, that is. 37831 -- Cerebus, "On Governing" 37832% 37833Retirement means that when someone says "Have a nice day", you 37834actually have a shot at it. 37835% 37836Reunite Gondwanaland! 37837% 37838Rev. Jim: What does an amber light mean? 37839Bobby: Slow down. 37840Rev. Jim: What... does... an... amber... light... mean? 37841Bobby: Slow down. 37842Rev. Jim: What.... does.... an.... amber.... light.... 37843% 37844Revenge is a form of nostalgia. 37845% 37846Revenge is a meal best served cold. 37847% 37848Review Questions 37849 378501: If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH, 37851 and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before 37852 he exceeds the speed of light? How long will it be before the 37853 Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship? 37854 378552: If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks 37856 twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks 37857 every bone in his body? How long will it be before they cut off 37858 his insurance? Where does he get a new car every week? 37859 378603: If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers 37861 the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in 37862 a pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King 37863 Tut's? When will it fall on him? Will he notice? 37864% 37865Revolution, n: 37866 A form of government abroad. 37867% 37868Revolution, n: 37869 In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment. 37870 -- Ambrose Bierce 37871% 37872revolutionary, adj: 37873 Repackaged. 37874% 37875Rhode's Law: 37876 When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, circumstance, 37877 or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, empirically, or 37878 circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred, induced, deducted, 37879 estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always for the purpose 37880 of convenience, expediency, political advantage, material gain, or 37881 personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or none of the 37882 above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed, proclaimed, and 37883 adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably, universally, immutably, 37884 and infinitely so, until such time as it becomes advantageous to 37885 assume otherwise, maybe. 37886% 37887Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men 37888should be happier than others. 37889 -- Oscar Wilde 37890% 37891Richard Nixon was the most dishonest individual I have ever met in my life. 37892He lied to his wife, his family, his friends, his colleagues in the Congress, 37893lifetime members of his own political party, the American people, and the 37894world. 37895 -- Senator Barry Goldwater 37896% 37897Riches cover a multitude of woes. 37898 -- Menander 37899% 37900Rick: "How can you close me up? On what grounds?" 37901Renault: "I'm shocked! Shocked! To find that gambling is 37902 going on here." 37903Croupier (handing money to Renault): 37904 "Your winnings, sir." 37905Renault: "Oh. Thank you very much." 37906 -- Casablanca 37907% 37908Riffle West Virginia is so small that the 37909Boy Scout had to double as the town drunk. 37910% 37911"Rights" is a fictional abstraction. No one has "Rights", neither 37912machines nor flesh-and-blood. Persons... have opportunities, not 37913rights, which they use or do not use. 37914 -- Lazarus Long 37915% 37916Ring around the collar. 37917% 37918Ritchie's Rule: 37919 (1) Everything has some value -- if you use the right currency. 37920 (2) Paint splashes last longer than the paint job. 37921 (3) Search and ye shall find -- but make sure it was lost. 37922% 37923Robot, n: 37924 Someone who's been made by a scientist. 37925% 37926Robot, n: 37927 University administrator. 37928% 37929Robustness, adj: 37930 Never having to say you're sorry. 37931% 37932Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention 37933 Unless the results are known in advance, 37934 funding agencies will reject the proposal. 37935% 37936Romance, like alcohol, should be enjoyed, but should not be allowed to 37937become necessary. 37938 -- Edgar Friedenberg 37939% 37940Rome was not built in one day. 37941 -- John Heywood 37942% 37943Rome wasn't burnt in a day. 37944% 37945Romeo was restless, he was ready to kill, 37946He jumped out the window 'cause he couldn't sit still, 37947Juliet was waiting with a safety net, 37948Said "don't bury me 'cause I ain't dead yet". 37949 -- Elvis Costello 37950% 37951Roses are red; 37952 Violets are blue. 37953I'm schizophrenic, 37954 And so am I. 37955% 37956Rotten wood cannot be carved. 37957 -- Confucius, "Analects", Book 5, Ch. 9 37958% 37959Roumanian-Yiddish cooking has killed more Jews than Hitler. 37960 -- Zero Mostel 37961% 37962Round Numbers are always false. 37963 -- Samuel Johnson 37964% 37965Row, row, row your bits, gently down the stream... 37966% 37967Rubber bands have snappy endings! 37968% 37969Rube Walker: "Hey, Yogi, what time is it?" 37970Yogi Berra: "You mean now?" 37971% 37972Rudd's Discovery: 37973 You know that any senator or congressman could go home and make 37974 $300,000 to $400,000, but they don't. Why? Because they can 37975 stay in Washington and make it there. 37976% 37977Rudeness is a weak man's imitation of strength. 37978% 37979Rudin's Law: 37980 If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will 37981 do it every time. 37982 37983Rudin's Second Law: 37984 In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative 37985 courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible 37986 course. 37987% 37988rugby, n: 37989 Elegant violence. 37990 37991 (Rugby players eat their dead.) 37992 (Blood makes the grass grow!) 37993 (Support your local hooker! Play rugby!) 37994 37995 [A "hooker" is part of the scrum. Thought you'd want to know. Ed.] 37996% 37997RUGGED: 37998 Too heavy to lift. 37999% 38000Rule #1: 38001 The Boss is always right. 38002 38003Rule #2: 38004 If the Boss is wrong, see Rule #1. 38005% 38006Rule #7: Silence is not acquiescence. 38007 Contrary to what you may have heard, silence of those present is 38008not necessarily consent, even the reluctant variety. They simply may 38009sit in stunned silence and figure ways of sabotaging the plan after they 38010regain their composure. 38011% 38012Rule of Creative Research: 38013 1) Never draw what you can copy. 38014 2) Never copy what you can trace. 38015 3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. 38016% 38017Rule of Defactualization: 38018 Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies. 38019% 38020Rule of Feline Frustration: 38021 When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly 38022 content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the 38023 bathroom. 38024% 38025Rule of Life #1 -- Never get separated from your luggage. 38026% 38027Rule of the Great: 38028 When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep 38029 thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch. 38030% 38031Rule the Empire through force. 38032 -- Shogun Tokugawa 38033% 38034Rules for driving in New York: 38035 1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal. 38036 2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers on. 38037 3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the 38038 intersection. 38039% 38040Rules for Good Grammar #4. 38041 1: Don't use no double negatives. 38042 2: Make each pronoun agree with their antecedents. 38043 3: Join clauses good, like a conjunction should. 38044 4: About them sentence fragments. 38045 5: When dangling, watch your participles. 38046 6: Verbs has got to agree with their subjects. 38047 7: Just between you and i, case is important. 38048 8: Don't write run-on sentences when they are hard to read. 38049 9: Don't use commas, which aren't necessary. 3805010: Try to not ever split infinitives. 3805111: It is important to use your apostrophe's correctly. 3805212: Proofread your writing to see if you any words out. 3805313: Correct speling is essential. 3805414: A preposition is something you never end a sentence with. 3805515: While a transcendent vocabulary is laudable, one must be eternally 38056 careful so that the calculated objective of communication does not 38057 become ensconced in obscurity. In other words, eschew obfuscation. 38058% 38059Rules for Writers: 38060 Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read. Don't use no double 38061negatives. Use the semicolon properly, always use it where it is appropriate; 38062and never where it isn't. Reserve the apostrophe for it's proper use and 38063omit it when its not needed. No sentence fragments. Avoid commas, that are 38064unnecessary. Eschew dialect, irregardless. And don't start a sentence with 38065a conjunction. Hyphenate between sy-llables and avoid un-necessary hyphens. 38066Write all adverbial forms correct. Don't use contractions in formal writing. 38067Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. It is incumbent on 38068us to avoid archaisms. Steer clear of incorrect forms of verbs that have 38069snuck in the language. Never, ever use repetitive redundancies. If I've 38070told you once, I've told you a thousand times, resist hyperbole. Also, 38071avoid awkward or affected alliteration. Don't string too many prepositional 38072phrases together unless you are walking through the valley of the shadow of 38073death. "Avoid overuse of 'quotation "marks."'" 38074% 38075RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED 38076 1. Never eat on an empty stomach. 38077 2. Never leave the table hungry. 38078 3. When traveling, never leave a country hungry. 38079 4. Enjoy your food. 38080 5. Enjoy your companion's food. 38081 6. Really taste your food. It may take several portions to 38082 accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned. 38083 7. Really feel your food. Texture is important. Compare, for 38084 example, the texture of a turnip to that of a brownie. 38085 Which feels better against your cheeks? 38086 8. Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal. 38087 9. Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You can 38088 always eat it later. 38089 10. Avoid any wine with a childproof cap. 38090 11. Avoid blue food. 38091 -- The Bronx Diet, "Richard Smith" 38092% 38093Ruling a big country is like cooking a small fish. 38094 -- Lao Tsu 38095% 38096Rune's Rule: 38097 If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost. 38098% 38099Russia has abolished God, but so far God has been more tolerant. 38100 -- John Cameron Swayze 38101% 38102Ruth made a great mistake when he gave up pitching. Working once a week, 38103he might have lasted a long time and become a great star. 38104 -- Tris Speaker, commenting on Babe Ruth's plan to change 38105 from being a pitcher to an outfielder. 38106 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak" 38107% 38108Ryan's Law: 38109 Make three correct guesses consecutively 38110 and you will establish yourself as an expert. 38111% 38112Sacher's Observation: 38113 Some people grow with responsibility -- others merely swell. 38114% 38115Sacred cows make great hamburgers. 38116% 38117SADISM: 38118 A sadist refusing to whip a masochist. 38119% 38120sadoequinecrophilia, n: 38121 Beating a dead horse. 38122% 38123Safety Third. 38124% 38125Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence 38126 Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead. 38127 38128 1. Little things start bothering you: little things like worms, 38129 bugs, ants. 38130 2. Something is missing in your personal relationships. 38131 3. Your dog becomes overly affectionate. 38132 4. You have a hard time getting a waiter. 38133 5. Exotic birds flock around you. 38134 6. People ignore you at parties. 38135 7. You have a hard time getting up in the morning. 38136 8. You no longer get off on cocaine. 38137% 38138SAGDEEV CALLED ON THE U.S. TO MAKE A RECIPROCAL GESTURE: 38139 38140 In a recent speech in London, the irrepressible former head of the 38141Soviet Space Research Institute noted that the Soviet Government has offered 38142to convert its gigantic Krasnoyarsk radar in Siberia into an international 38143space research facility in response to U.S. complaints that the radar would 38144violate the ABM treaty. Sagdeev suggested that the U.S. reciprocate by 38145turning the unfinished U.S. embassy in Moscow into a nuclear crisis reduction 38146center. The communication system, he pointed out, is already in place. 38147% 38148SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21) 38149 You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless 38150 tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of 38151 Sagitarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People laugh at 38152 you a great deal. 38153% 38154SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21) 38155 Move slowly today, be deliberate. Indications are for bleeding 38156 ulcers. Drink milk. Try not to be your usual offensive and 38157 obnoxious self. Call your mother. 38158% 38159SAGITTARIUS (Nov.22 - Dec.21) 38160 Your efforts to help a little old lady cross a street will 38161 backfire when you learn that she was waiting for a bus. Subdue 38162 impulse you have to push her out into traffic. 38163% 38164Said the attractive, cigar-smoking housewife to her girl-friend: "I 38165got started one night when George came home and found one burning in 38166the ashtray." 38167% 38168Sailing is fun, but scrubbing the decks is aardvark. 38169 -- Heard on Noahs' ark 38170% 38171Sailors in ships, sail on! 38172Even while we died, others rode out the storm. 38173% 38174Saints should always be judged guilty until they are proved innocent. 38175 -- George Orwell, "Reflections on Gandhi" 38176% 38177Saliva causes cancer, but only if swallowed 38178in small amounts over a long period of time. 38179 -- George Carlin 38180% 38181Sally: C'mon, Ted, all I'm asking you to do is share your feelings 38182 with me. 38183Ted: ALL? Do you realize what you're asking? Men aren't trained 38184 to share. We're trained to protect ourselves by not 38185 letting anyone too close. Good grief, if I go around 38186 sharing everything with you, you could hang me out to dry. 38187Sally: It's called "trust," Ted. 38188Ted: "Sharing"? "Trust"? You're really asking me to sail into 38189 uncharted waters here. 38190 -- Sally Forth 38191% 38192Sam: What do you know there, Norm? 38193Norm: How to sit. How to drink. Want to quiz me? 38194 -- Cheers, Loverboyd 38195 38196Sam: Hey, how's life treating you there, Norm? 38197Norm: Beats me. ... Then it kicks me and leaves me for dead. 38198 -- Cheers, Loverboyd 38199 38200Woody: How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson? 38201Norm: Pretty nervous if I was in the room. 38202 -- Cheers, Loverboyd 38203% 38204Sam: What's the good word, Norm? 38205Norm: Plop, plop, fizz, fizz. 38206Sam: Oh no, not the Hungry Heifer... 38207Norm: Yeah, yeah, yeah... 38208Sam: One heartburn cocktail coming up. 38209 -- Cheers, I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday 38210 38211Sam: Whaddya say, Norm? 38212Norm: Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink. And down it goes. 38213 -- Cheers, Love Thy Neighbor 38214 38215Woody: What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson? 38216Norm: Boxer shorts and loose shoes. But I'll settle for a beer. 38217 -- Cheers, The Bar Stoolie 38218% 38219Sam: What do you say, Norm? 38220Norm: Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer. 38221 -- Cheers, Birth, Death, Love and Rice 38222 38223Sam: What do you say to a beer, Normie? 38224Norm: Hiya, sailor. New in town? 38225 -- Cheers, Woody Goes Belly Up 38226 38227Norm: [coming in from the rain] Evening, everybody. 38228All: Norm! (Norman.) 38229Sam: Still pouring, Norm? 38230Norm: That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing. 38231 -- Cheers, Diane's Nightmare 38232% 38233Sam: What's going on, Normie? 38234Norm: My birthday, Sammy. Give me a beer, stick a candle in 38235 it, and I'll blow out my liver. 38236 -- Cheers, Where Have All the Floorboards Gone 38237 38238Woody: Hey, Mr. P. How goes the search for Mr. Clavin? 38239Norm: Not as well as the search for Mr. Donut. 38240 Found him every couple of blocks. 38241 -- Cheers, Head Over Hill 38242% 38243Sam: What's new, Norm? 38244Norm: Most of my wife. 38245 -- Cheers, The Spy Who Came in for a Cold One 38246 38247Coach: Beer, Norm? 38248Norm: Naah, I'd probably just drink it. 38249 -- Cheers, Now Pitching, Sam Malone 38250 38251Coach: What's doing, Norm? 38252Norm: Well, science is seeking a cure for thirst. I happen 38253 to be the guinea pig. 38254 -- Cheers, Let Me Count the Ways 38255% 38256SAN DIEGO: 38257 Four million people, where you can't get a 38258 good cheeseburger, no matter how hard you try. 38259% 38260SAN FRANCISCO: 38261 Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse. 38262% 38263San Francisco has always been my favorite booing city. I don't mean the 38264people boo louder or longer, but there is a very special intimacy. When 38265they boo you, you know they mean *you*. Music, that's what it is to me. 38266One time in Kezar Stadium they gave me a standing boo. 38267 -- George Halas, professional footbal coach 38268% 38269San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was. 38270 -- Herb Caen 38271% 38272Sanity and insanity overlap a fine grey line. 38273% 38274Sank heaven for leetle curls. 38275% 38276Santa Claus is watching! 38277% 38278Santa Claus wears a red suit 38279He's a Communist. 38280 38281He has long hair and a beard 38282Must be a pacifist. 38283 38284And what's in the pipe that he's smoking? 38285 38286Santa Claus comes in your house at night. 38287He must be a dope fiend to get you up tight. 38288 38289Why do police guys beat on peace guys? 38290 -- Arlo Guthrie, "The Pause of Mr. Claus" 38291% 38292 38293SANTA IS BRINGING GOOD WISHES FROM ALL THE 38294MICRO ARTISTS GANG! MAY 1988 BE A HAPPY YEAR! 38295 38296 38297 \__\_ :. ___/ 38298 ..\ /-- 38299 :.______ : .:* : . _ .: :.. . : . . : ()_ .: 38300 (( \. :./(__ :._O_)________:______,____:____/ *\_o 38301====(( \: (****) (***) :. ...: .. . ()_______/\\ __-' 38302 \____(( \ ()oo()_/ /.: : ..________/_____ll -/.: .. 38303 ( (( \(())))__/ . .. \\.: ..( ) ll ( l_.: 38304( / (( \__*__)___:___ : : )) .) /--------\ \ \ 38305( / ((_____________) .. // . / / /..:: . )_)_\ 38306 (____/_____________________\__// : /_/_/ :.. :/_/ \_\ 38307 /_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/ /_/_/ 38308 38309 38310% 38311Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses. 38312% 38313Satellite Safety Tip #14: 38314 If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck. 38315% 38316Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone. 38317% 38318Satire is tragedy plus time. 38319 -- Lenny Bruce 38320% 38321Satire is what closes in New Haven. 38322% 38323Satire is what closes Saturday night. 38324 -- George Kaufman 38325% 38326Sattinger's Law: 38327 It works better if you plug it in. 38328% 38329Saturday night in Toledo Ohio, 38330Is like being nowhere at all, 38331All through the day how the hours rush by, 38332You sit in the park and you watch the grass die. 38333 -- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio" 38334% 38335Satyrs have more faun. 38336% 38337Savage's Law of Expediency: 38338 You want it bad, you'll get it bad. 38339% 38340Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be 38341surprised at how little you have. 38342 -- Ernest Haskins 38343% 38344Save energy: Drive a smaller shell. 38345% 38346Save energy: be apathetic. 38347% 38348Save gas, don't eat beans. 38349% 38350Save gas, don't use the shell. 38351% 38352Save the bales! 38353% 38354Save the whales. Collect the whole set. 38355% 38356Save yourself! Reboot in 5 seconds! 38357% 38358Say! You've struck a heap of trouble-- 38359Bust in business, lost your wife; 38360No one cares a cent about you, 38361You don't care a cent for life; 38362Hard luck has of hope bereft you, 38363Health is failing, wish you'd die-- 38364Why, you've still the sunshine left you 38365And the big blue sky. 38366 -- R.W. Service 38367% 38368Say it with flowers, 38369Or say it with mink, 38370But whatever you do, 38371Don't say it with ink! 38372 -- Jimmie Durante 38373% 38374Say many of cameras focused t'us, 38375Our middle-aged shots do us justice. 38376No justice, please, curse ye! 38377We really want mercy: 38378You see, 'tis the justice, disgusts us. 38379 -- Thomas H. Hildebrandt 38380% 38381Say my love is easy had, 38382Say I'm bitten raw with pride, 38383Say I am too often sad -- 38384Still behold me at your side. 38385 38386Say I'm neither brave nor young, 38387Say I woo and coddle care, 38388Say the devil touched my tongue, 38389Still you have my heart to wear. 38390 38391But say my verses do not scan, 38392And I get me another man! 38393 -- Dorothy Parker, "Fighting Words" 38394% 38395Say no, then negotiate. 38396 -- Helga 38397% 38398Say something you'll be sorry for, I love receiving apologies. 38399% 38400Say "twenty-three-skiddoo" to logout. 38401% 38402SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out! 38403 -- Ken Thompson 38404% 38405SCENARIO: 38406 An imagined sequence of events that provides the context in 38407 which a business decision is made. Scenarios always come in 38408 sets of three: best case, worst case, and just in case. 38409% 38410Scenary is here, wish you were beautiful. 38411% 38412Scene: 38413 A small boy stands agasp on the stairway overlooking the living 38414room. A rather largish man in a big red suit with white fur and red and 38415white belled cap hunches over the fireplace, obviously interrupted in 38416filling stockings with packages taken from a huge bag slung over his 38417shoulder. His eyebrows are raised, matter-of-factly, as he spies the boy 38418intently watching him. 38419 38420Caption: 38421 "I'm sorry you've seen me, Billy. Now I'll have to kill you. 38422% 38423Schapiro's Explanation: 38424 The grass is always greener on the other side -- 38425 but that's because they use more manure. 38426% 38427Schizophrenia beats being alone. 38428% 38429schlattwhapper, n: 38430 The window shade that allows itself to be pulled down, 38431 hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face. 38432 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 38433% 38434Schmidt's Observation: 38435 All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap 38436 than a thin person. 38437% 38438Science and religion are in full accord but 38439science and faith are in complete discord. 38440% 38441Science Fiction, Double Feature. 38442Frank has built and lost his creature. 38443Darkness has conquered Brad and Janet. 38444The servants gone to a distant planet. 38445Wo, oh, oh, oh. 38446At the late night, double feature, Picture show. 38447I want to go, oh, oh, oh. 38448To the late night, double feature, Picture show. 38449 -- Rocky Horror Picture Show 38450% 38451Science is built up of facts, as a house is with stones. But a 38452collection of facts is no more a science than a heap of stones 38453is a house. 38454 -- Jules Henri Poincare 38455% 38456Science is to computer science as hydrodynamics is to plumbing. 38457% 38458Science is what happens when preconception meets verification. 38459% 38460Science may someday discover what faith has always known. 38461% 38462Science! true daughter of Old Time thou art! 38463Who alterest all things with thy peering eyes. 38464Why preyest thou thus upon the poet's heart, 38465Vulture, whose wings are dull realities? 38466How should he love thee? or how deem thee wise? 38467Who wouldst not leave him in his wandering 38468To seek for treasure in the jewelled skies, 38469Albeit he soared with an undaunted wing? 38470Hast thou not dragged Diana from her car? 38471And driven the Hamadryad from the wood 38472To seek a shelter in some happier star? 38473Hast thou not torn the Naiad from her flood, 38474The Elfin from the green grass, and from me 38475The summer dream beneath the tamarind tree? 38476 -- Edgar Allen Poe, "Science, a Sonnet" 38477% 38478Scientists still know less about what attracts men 38479than they do about what attracts mosquitoes. 38480 -- Dr. Joyce Brothers, 38481 "What Every Woman Should Know About Men" 38482% 38483Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question. 38484They had worked for months gathering one each of every computer that 38485was built. Finally the big day was at hand. All the computers were 38486linked together. They asked the question, "Is there a God?". Lights 38487started blinking, flashing and blinking some more. Suddenly, there 38488was a loud crash, and a bolt of lightning came down from the sky, 38489struck the computers, and welded all the connections permanently 38490together. "There is now", came the reply. 38491% 38492Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific, 38493Fain how I pause at your nature specific, 38494Loftily poised in the ether capacious, 38495Highly resembling a gem carbonaceous. 38496Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific, 38497Fain how I pause at your nature specific. 38498% 38499Scintillation is not always identification for an auric substance. 38500% 38501SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21) 38502 You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve 38503 the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most 38504 Scorpio people are murdered. 38505% 38506SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21) 38507 Friends abound today, seeking repayment of past loans. Smile. Check 38508 for concealed weapons. Your natural cheerfulness makes others want 38509 to throw up. Knock it off. 38510% 38511SCORPIO (Oct.24 - Nov.21) 38512 You will receive word today that you are eligible to win a million 38513 dollars in prizes. It will be from a magazine trying to get you to 38514 subscribe, and you're just dumb enough to think you've got a chance 38515 to win. You never learn. 38516% 38517Scott's First Law: 38518 No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right. 38519 38520Scott's Second Law: 38521 When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found 38522 to have been wrong in the first place. 38523Corollary: 38524 After the correction has been found in error, it will be 38525 impossible to fit the original quantity back into the 38526 equation. 38527% 38528Scotty: Captain, we din' can reference it! 38529Kirk: Analysis, Mr. Spock? 38530Spock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table. 38531Kirk: Then it's of external origin? 38532Spock: Affirmative. 38533Kirk: Mr. Sulu, go to pass two. 38534Sulu: Aye aye, sir, going to pass two. 38535% 38536Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug 38537Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug 38538And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. 38539Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all, 38540Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall 38541And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. 38542And we've also found Just flip one switch 38543When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch 38544You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble 38545Oh, it's so much fun, in a flash. 38546Now the CPU won't run When the CPU 38547And the system is going to crash. Can print nothing out but "foo," 38548 The system is going to crash. 38549 -- To The Caissons Go Rolling Along 38550% 38551Scratch the disks! 38552Drop the core! 38553Roll the tapes across the floor! 38554% 38555Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else. 38556% 38557SCRIBLINE: 38558 The blank area on the back of credit cards where one's signature goes. 38559 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 38560% 38561'Scuse me, while I kiss the sky! 38562 -- Robert James Marshall (Jimi) Hendrix 38563% 38564Sears has everything. 38565% 38566Seattle is so wet that people protect their property with watch-ducks. 38567% 38568Second Law of Business Meetings: 38569 If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you 38570 will pick the wrong one. 38571 38572Corollary: 38573 If there is only one way to spell a name, 38574 you will spell it wrong, anyway. 38575% 38576Second Law of Final Exams: 38577 In your toughest final -- for the first time all year -- the most 38578 distractingly attractive student in the class will sit next to you. 38579% 38580Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny. 38581% 38582Secretary's Revenge: 38583 Filing almost everything under "the". 38584% 38585Security check: INTRUDER ALERT! 38586% 38587Sed quis custodiet ipsos Custodes? 38588[Who guards the Guardians?] 38589% 38590Seduced, shaggy Samson snored. 38591She scissored short. Sorely shorn, 38592Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed, 38593Silently scheming, 38594Sightlessly seeking 38595Some savage, spectacular suicide. 38596 -- Stanislaw Lem 38597% 38598See, these two penguins walked into a bar, which was really stupid, 'cause 38599the second one should have seen it. 38600% 38601Seeing a commotion in Harvard Square, a man strolled over and asked what 38602was going on. One of the onlookers explained to him that there was a Mooney 38603who had immersed himself in gasoline and was threatening to set fire to 38604himself to demonstrate his commitment to the Rev. Moon. The man gasped and 38605asked what was being done to defuse the obviously dangerous situation. 38606 "Well", replied the onlooker, "we're taking up a collection -- so 38607far I've got two Bics, four Zippos and eighteen books of matches." 38608% 38609Seeing is believing. 38610You wouldn't have seen it if you hadn't believed it. 38611% 38612Seeing is deceiving. It's eating that's believing. 38613 -- James Thurber 38614% 38615Seeing that death, a necessary end, 38616Will come when it will come. 38617 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 38618% 38619Seek simplicity -- and distrust it. 38620 -- Alfred North Whitehead 38621% 38622Seems a computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer were 38623driving down a mountain when the brakes gave out. They screamed down the 38624mountain, gaining speed, but finally managed to grind to a halt, more by 38625luck than anything else, just inches from a thousand foot drop to jagged 38626rocks. They all got out of the car: 38627 The computer engineer said, "I think I can fix it." 38628 The systems analyst said, "No, no, I think we should take it 38629into town and have a specialist look at it." 38630 The programmer said, "OK, but first I think we should get back 38631in and see if it does it again." 38632% 38633Seems like this duck waddles into a pharmacy, waddles up to the prescription 38634counter and rings the bell. The pharmacist walks up and asks, "Can I help 38635you?". 38636 The duck replies, "Yes, I'd like a box of condoms, please." 38637 "Certainly", says the pharmacist, "will that be cash or would 38638you like me to put it on your bill?" 38639 Snarls the duck, "Just what kind of duck do you think I am?" 38640% 38641Seems like this farmer purchased an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans 38642to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, 38643the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around. 38644During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's 38645work, praying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your 38646dreams!" 38647 A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. 38648Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place -- the farm house is 38649completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and 38650other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields 38651are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says. 38652"Look what God and you have accomplished together!" 38653 "Yes, reverend," replies the farmer, "but remember what the farm was 38654like when God was working it alone!" 38655% 38656Seems like this guy wanders into a rural outfitting store in Alaska, 38657and starts talking to a rather grizzled old man sitting by the cash 38658register. 38659 "Hear ya got a lotta' bears 'round here?" 38660 "Yeah, you could say that," answers the old man. 38661 "GRIZZLIES?!?!" 38662 "A few." 38663 "Got any bear bells?" 38664 "What's that?" 38665 "You know, them little dingle-bells ya put on yer backpack so 38666bears know yer there so's they can run away ... I'll take one fer black 38667bears, and one fer them grizzlies. Say, how do you know yer in grizzly 38668country, anyhow?" 38669 "Look fer scatt. Grizzly scatt's different from black bear scatt." 38670 "Well now, what's IN grizzly scatt that's different?" 38671 "Bear bells." 38672% 38673Seems that a pollster was taking a worldwide opinion poll. 38674Her question was, "Excuse me; what's your opinion on the meat shortage?" 38675 38676In Texas, the answer was "What's a shortage?" 38677In Poland, the answer was "What's meat?" 38678In the Soviet Union, the answer was "What's an opinion?" 38679In New York City, the answer was "What's excuse me?" 38680% 38681Seems this fellow was suffering from terrific headaches, and went to his 38682doctor about it. The physician made a number of tests, and informed the man 38683that the only thing for his headaches was castration. After a few more 38684months, the headaches became so intense that the man agreed to the operation. 38685Naturally enough, the ruination of his sex life depressed him tremendously, 38686and he decided to purchase a new wardrobe to make himself feel better. 38687He enters a men's clothing store and a salesman wanders over, looks him 38688up and down, and says, "Well, let's start with shirts... 15 neck, 34 sleeve." 38689 The guy is amazed. "How'd you know?" 38690 "Well, I've been here nearly 30 years, and I can tell sizes within 38691a quarter inch on every piece of clothing." The salesman's claim is borne 38692out. Slacks, 34 waist, 32 inseam; jacket: 42 long. And so on and so forth. 38693When the man has been completely outfitted he decides that he'd better buy 38694some new underwear. 38695 The salesman looks at him and says, "Okay, that'll be a 34." 38696 "No, that's wrong," says the man. "I've always worn a 32." The 38697salesman insists, pointing out his accuracy so far. The man argues, agreeing 38698that while he's been right so far, he has always worn a 32 in shorts. 38699 Finally in exasperation, the salesman says, "Listen, I tell you, 38700you *have* to wear a 34. Otherwise, you'll get these *awful* headaches." 38701% 38702Seems this guy showed up at a party, and all of his friends jumped for 38703Joy. But she sidestepped, and they missed. 38704% 38705Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow! 38706 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 38707% 38708Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine: 38709 Ice Cream cures all ills. Temporarily. 38710% 38711semper en excretus 38712% 38713SEMPER UBI SUB UBI!!!! 38714% 38715Send some filthy mail. 38716% 38717Sendmail may be safely run set-user-id to root. 38718 -- Eric Allman, "Sendmail Installation Guide" 38719% 38720SENILITY: 38721 The state of mind of elderly persons 38722 with whom one happens to disagree. 38723% 38724Senor Castro has been accused of communist sympathies, but this means very 38725little since all opponents of the regime are automatically called communists. 38726In fact he is further to the right than General Batista. 38727 -- "Cuba's Rightist Rebel", The Economist, April 26, 1958 38728% 38729Sentient plasmoids are a gas. 38730% 38731Sentimentality -- that's what we call the sentiment we don't share. 38732 -- Graham Greene 38733% 38734SERENDIPITY: 38735 The process by which human knowledge is advanced. 38736% 38737Serfs up! 38738 -- Spartacus 38739% 38740Serocki's Stricture: 38741 Marriage is always a bachelor's last option. 38742% 38743Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence. 38744% 38745Set the cart before the horse. 38746 -- John Heywood 38747% 38748Several years ago, an international chess tournament was being held in a 38749swank hotel in New York. Most of the major stars of the chess world were 38750there, and after a grueling day of chess, the players and their entourages 38751retired to the lobby of the hotel for a little refreshment. In the lobby, 38752some players got into a heated argument about who was the brightest, the 38753fastest, and the best chess player in the world. The argument got quite 38754loud, as various players claimed that honor. At that point, a security 38755guard in the lobby turned to another guard and commented, "If there's 38756anything I just can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." 38757% 38758Sex and drugs and rock and roll, 38759Is all my brain and body need. 38760Sex and drugs and rock and roll, 38761Are very good indeed. 38762 38763Take your silly ways, 38764Throw them out the window, 38765The wisdom of your ways, 38766I've been there and I know, 38767Lots of other ways... 38768 -- Ian Drury, "New Boots and Panties" 38769% 38770Sex discriminates against the shy and ugly. 38771% 38772Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it. 38773 -- Lewis Grizzard 38774% 38775Sex is about as important as a cheese sandwich. But a cheese sandwich, 38776if you ain't got one to put in your belly, is extremely important. 38777 -- Ian Dury 38778% 38779Sex is an emotion in motion. 38780 -- Mae West 38781% 38782"Sex is as honest a product benefit for fragrance [perfume] as taste is 38783for diet Coke." 38784 -- Malcolm DacDougall 38785% 38786Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn. 38787 -- Garrison Keillor 38788% 38789Sex is like pizza -- when it's good, it's great; and when it's bad, 38790it's still darn tasty! 38791% 38792Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation... The other eight are 38793unimportant. 38794 -- Henry Miller 38795% 38796Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated. 38797 -- M.C. Reed 38798% 38799Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the 38800most amount of trouble. 38801 -- John Barrymore 38802% 38803Sex without class consciousness cannot give satisfaction, even if it is 38804repeated until infinity. 38805 -- Aldo Brandirali (Secretary of the Italian Marxist-Leninist 38806 Party), in a manual of the party's official sex guidelines, 38807 1973. 38808% 38809Sex without love is an empty experience, but, 38810as empty experiences go, it's one of the best. 38811 -- Woody Allen 38812% 38813Sexual enlightenment is justified insofar as girls cannot learn too soon 38814how children do not come into the world. 38815 -- Karl Kraus 38816% 38817Shah, shah! Ayatulla you so! 38818% 38819Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight: 38820always to try to be a little kinder than is necessary? 38821 -- J.M. Barrie 38822% 38823Shame is an improper emotion invented by 38824pietists to oppress the human race. 38825 -- Robert Preston, Toddy, "Victor/Victoria" 38826% 38827Shannon's Observation 38828 Nothing is so frustrating as a bad situation 38829 that is beginning to improve. 38830% 38831share, n: 38832 To give in, endure humiliation. 38833% 38834Shaw's Principle: 38835 Build a system that even a fool can use, 38836 and only a fool will want to use it. 38837% 38838She always believed in the old adage -- leave them while you're looking 38839good. 38840 -- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes" 38841% 38842She applies her lipstick in spite of its contents: "greasy rouge, 38843containing crushed and dried insect corpses for coloring, beeswax 38844for stiffness, and olive oil to help it flow - the latter having 38845the unfortunate tendency to go rancid several hours after use. 38846 38847In 1924 the New York Board of Health considered banning lipstick, 38848not because it was hazardous to the wearers but because of "the 38849worry that it might poison the men who kissed the women who wore it." 38850 -- David Bodanis, "The Secret House" 38851% 38852She asked me, "What's your sign?" 38853I blinked and answered "Neon," 38854I thought I'd blow her mind... 38855% 38856She been married so many times 38857she got rice marks all over her face. 38858 -- Tom Waits 38859% 38860She blinded me with science! 38861% 38862She can kill all your files; 38863She can freeze with a frown. 38864And a wave of her hand brings the whole system down. 38865And she works on her code until ten after three. 38866She lives like a bat but she's always a hacker to me. 38867 -- Apologies to Billy Joel 38868% 38869She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook. 38870 -- Tommy Manville 38871% 38872She has an alarm clock and a phone that don't ring - they applaud. 38873% 38874She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to. 38875 -- Gypsy Rose Lee 38876% 38877She just came in, pounced around this thing with me for a few 38878years, enjoyed herself, gave it a sort of beautiful quality and 38879left. Excited a few men in the meantime. 38880 -- Patrick Macnee, reminiscing on Diana Rigg's 38881 involvement in "The Avengers". 38882% 38883She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him 38884a look that you could have poured on a waffle. 38885% 38886She often gave herself very good advice 38887(though she very seldom followed it). 38888 -- Lewis Carroll 38889% 38890She ran the gamut of emotions from 'A' to 'B'. 38891 -- Dorothy Parker, on a Kate Hepburn performance 38892% 38893She say, Miss Colie, You better hush. God might hear you. 38894Let 'im hear me, I say. If he ever listened to poor colored 38895women the world would be a different place, I can tell you. 38896 -- Alice Walker, "The Color Purple" 38897% 38898She sells cshs by the cshore. 38899% 38900She stood on the tracks 38901Waving her arms 38902Leading me to that third rail shock 38903Quick as a wink 38904She changed her mind 38905 38906She gave me a night 38907That's all it was 38908What will it take until I stop 38909Kidding myself 38910Wasting my time 38911 38912There's nothing else I can do 38913'Cause I'm doing it all for Leyna 38914I don't want anyone new 38915'Cause I'm living it all for Leyna 38916There's nothing in it for you 38917'Cause I'm giving it all to Leyna 38918 -- Billy Joel, "All for Leyna" (Glass Houses) 38919% 38920She was bred in ol' Kentucky 38921But she's just a crumb up here 38922She was knock-knee'd and double-jointed 38923With a cauliflower ear 38924Someday we will be married 38925And if vegetables become too dear 38926I'll just cut me a slice of 38927Her cauliflower ear! 38928 -- Curly Howard, "The Three Stooges" 38929% 38930She was good at playing abstract confusion in the same way a midget is 38931good at being short. 38932 -- Clive James, on Marilyn Monroe 38933% 38934She was only a moonshiner's daughter, but I love her still. 38935% 38936She was only a mortician's daughter but anyone cadaver. 38937% 38938She won' go Warp 7, Cap'n! The batteries are dead! 38939% 38940Shedenhelm's Law: 38941 All trails have more uphill sections 38942 than they have downhill sections. 38943% 38944"Shelter", what a nice name for for a place where you polish your cat. 38945% 38946Sheriff Chameleotoptor sighed with an air of weary sadness, and then 38947turned to Doppelgutt and said 'The Senator must really have been on a 38948bender this time -- he left a party in Cleveland, Ohio, at 11:30 last 38949night, and they found his car this morning in the smokestack of a British 38950aircraft carrier in the Formosa Straits.' 38951 -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton 38952 bad fiction contest. 38953% 38954Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have taken 38955him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an excess 38956of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature. 38957 -- Samuel Johnson 38958% 38959She's learned to say things with her eyes 38960that others waste time putting into words. 38961% 38962She's so tough she won't take 'yes' for an answer. 38963% 38964She's such a kinky girl, 38965The kind you don't take home to mother. 38966She will never let your spirits down 38967Once you get her off the street. 38968% 38969She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong. 38970 -- Mae West 38971% 38972Shhh... be vewy, vewy, quiet! I'm hunting wabbits... 38973% 38974Shick's Law: 38975 There is no problem a good miracle can't solve. 38976% 38977Shift to the left, 38978Shift to the right, 38979Mask in, mask out, 38980BYTE, BYTE, BYTE !!! 38981% 38982SHIFT TO THE LEFT! 38983SHIFT TO THE RIGHT! 38984POP UP, PUSH DOWN, 38985BYTE, BYTE, BYTE! 38986% 38987Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there. 38988% 38989Shirley MacLaine died today in a freak psychic collision today. Two freaks 38990in a van [Oh no!! It's the Copyright Police!!] Her aura-charred body was 38991laid to rest after a eulogy by Jackie Collins, fellow member of SAFE [Society 38992of Asinine Flake Entertainers]. Excerpted from some of his more quotable 38993comments: 38994 38995 "Truly a woman of the times. These times, those times..." 38996 "A Renaissance woman. Why in 1432..." 38997 "A man for all seasons. Really..." 38998 38999After the ceremony, Shirley thanked her mourners and explained how delightful 39000it was to "get it together" again, presumably referring to having her now dead 39001body join her long dead brain. 39002% 39003Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high, 39004they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee. 39005 -- Terry Southern 39006% 39007Short people get rained on last. 39008% 39009Show business is just like high school, except you get paid. 39010 -- Martin Mull 39011% 39012Show me a good loser in professional sports and I'll show you an idiot. 39013Show me a good sportsman and I'll show you a player I'm looking to trade. 39014 -- Leo Durocher 39015% 39016Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll 39017show you a man who playing golf with his boss. 39018% 39019Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change. 39020% 39021Show your affection, which will probably meet with pleasant response. 39022% 39023Showing up is 80% of life. 39024 -- Woody Allen 39025% 39026Si Dieu n'existait pas, il faudrait l'inventer. 39027 -- Voltaire 39028% 39029Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait. 39030[If youth but knew, if old age but could.] 39031 -- Henri Estienne 39032% 39033Sic transit gloria Monday! 39034% 39035Sic transit gloria mundi. 39036[So passes away the glory of this world.] 39037 -- Thomas a Kempis 39038% 39039Sic Transit Gloria Thursdi. 39040% 39041Sight is a faculty; seeing is an art. 39042% 39043Sigmund's wife wore Freudian slips. 39044% 39045Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help. 39046 -- The Brown University Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet 39047% 39048Silence can be the biggest lie of all. We have a responsibility to speak 39049up; and whenever the occasion calls for it, we have a responsibility to 39050raise bloody hell. 39051 -- Herbert Block 39052% 39053Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves. 39054 -- Thomas Carlyle 39055% 39056Silence is the only virtue you have left. 39057% 39058sillema sillema nika su 39059[translation: look it up...hint-fin] 39060% 39061Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life. 39062% 39063Silly Sally was baby sitting. But Silly Sally was getting bored. Thinking 39064a walk would help, she put the baby in his carriage. Silly Sally pushed the 39065carriage and pushed the carriage up this hill and down that one. She pushed 39066the carriage up the highest hill in town, and ALL OF A SUDDEN! It slipped out 39067of her hands (OH! NO!) and it was headed at high speed for the busiest 39068intersection in town. BUT! 39069 39070Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d........... 39071BECAUSE! SHE KNEW THERE WAS A STOP SIGN AT THE BOTTOM OF THE HILL! 39072 39073Silly Sally was playing in the garage. And she was being disobedient. 39074She was playing with matches... AND... She burned down the garage. 39075(OHHHHHH) Silly Sally's mother said, "Silly Sally! You have been naughty! 39076And when your father gets home, you are going to get a good licking!" BUT! 39077 39078Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d........... 39079BECAUSE! SHE KNEW HER FATHER WAS IN THE GARAGE WHEN SHE BURNED IT DOWN! 39080% 39081Silverman's Law: 39082 If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will. 39083% 39084Simon's Law: 39085 Everything put together falls apart sooner or later. 39086% 39087Simplicity does not precede complexity, but follows it. 39088% 39089Simulations are like miniskirts, they show a lot and hide the essentials. 39090 -- Hubert Kirrman 39091% 39092Sin boldly. 39093 -- Martin Luther 39094% 39095Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all. 39096% 39097Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily. 39098All other "sins" are invented nonsense. 39099(Hurting yourself is not sinful -- just stupid). 39100 -- Lazarus Long 39101% 39102Since a politician never believes what he says, he is surprised 39103when others believe him. 39104 -- Charles DeGaulle 39105% 39106Since aerosols are forbidden, the police are using roll-on Mace! 39107% 39108Since before the Earth was formed and before the sun burned hot in space, 39109cosmic forces of inexorable power have been working relentlessly toward 39110this moment in space-time -- your receiving this fortune. 39111% 39112Since everything in life is but an experience perfect in being what it is, 39113having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well 39114burst out in laughter. 39115 -- Long Chen Pa 39116% 39117Since I hurt my pendulum 39118My life is all erratic. 39119My parrot who was cordial 39120Is now transmitting static. 39121The carpet died, a palm collapsed, 39122The cat keeps doing poo. 39123The only thing that keeps me sane 39124Is talking to my shoe. 39125 -- My Shoe 39126% 39127Since we cannot hope for order, let us withdraw with style from the chaos. 39128 -- Tom Stoppard 39129% 39130Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're 39131alive. 39132 -- John Sloan 39133% 39134Sink or Swim with Teddy! 39135% 39136Sinners can repent, but stupid is forever. 39137% 39138Sir, it's very possible this asteroid is not stable. 39139 -- CP30 39140% 39141[Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues 39142I dislike and none of the vices I admire. 39143 -- Winston Churchill 39144% 39145Six days after the Creation, Adam was still alone in the Garden of 39146Eden, and getting pretty desperate. "God!" he cried, "rescue me from 39147loneliness and despair! Send some company for Your sake!" 39148 39149God replied "OK, I have just the thing. Keep you warm and relaxed all 39150the days of your life. Never complains. Looks up to you in every way. 39151It'll cost you though". 39152 39153"Sounds ideal" said Adam. "The society of the beasts of the field and 39154the birds of the air palls after a while. What's the price?" 39155 39156"An arm and a leg", said God. 39157 39158Adam thought about it for a bit and finally sighed. "So, what can I get 39159for a rib?" 39160% 39161Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful 39162objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill 39163gives us modern art. 39164 -- Tom Stoppard 39165% 39166Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor): 39167 That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to, 39168 or subtracted from the answer you got, gives you the answer you 39169 should have gotten. 39170% 39171skldfjkljklsR%^&(IXDRTYju187pkasdjbasdfbuil 39172h;asvgy8p 23r1vyui135 2 39173kmxsij90TYDFS$$b jkzxdjkl bjnk ;j nk;<[][;-==-<<<<<';[, 39174 [hjioasdvbnuio;buip^&(FTSD$%*VYUI:buio;sdf}[asdf'] 39175 sdoihjfh(_YU*G&F^*CTY98y 39176 39177 39178Now look what you've gone and done! You've broken it! 39179% 39180Slang is language that takes off its coat, 39181spits on its hands, and goes to work. 39182% 39183Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not, when 39184a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and apparently incoherent 39185songs. I was myself within the circle, so that I neither saw nor heard as 39186those without might see and hear. They told a tale which was then altogether 39187beyond my feeble comprehension: they were tones, loud, long and deep, 39188breathing the prayer and complaint of souls boiling over with the bitterest 39189anguish. Every tone was a testimony against slavery, and a prayer to God 39190for deliverance from chains. 39191 -- Frederick Douglass 39192% 39193Sleep -- the most beautiful experience in life -- except drink. 39194 -- W.C. Fields 39195% 39196Sleep is for the weak and sickly. 39197% 39198Slick's Three Laws of the Universe: 39199 1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. 39200 2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat. 39201 3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is 39202 attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is 39203 attracted to dark objects. 39204% 39205Slous' Contention: 39206 If you do a job too well, you'll get stuck with it. 39207% 39208Slow day. 39209Practice crawling. 39210% 39211SLURM: 39212 The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when it 39213 sits in the dish too long. 39214 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 39215% 39216Small change can often be found under seat cushions. 39217% 39218Small is beautiful. 39219 -- Schumacher's Dictum 39220% 39221Small things make base men proud. 39222 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 39223% 39224Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my 39225teacher was in my class for five years. 39226 -- George Burns 39227% 39228Smear the road with a runner!! 39229% 39230Smile! You're on Candid Camera. 39231% 39232Smile, Cthulu Loathes You. 39233% 39234Smoking is, as far as I'm concerned, the entire point of being an adult. 39235 -- Fran Lebowitz 39236% 39237SMOKING IS NOW ALLOWED !!! 39238 Anyone wishing to smoke, however, must file, in triplicate, the 39239 U.S. government Environmental Impact Narrative Statement (EINS), 39240 describing in detail the type of combustion proposed, impact on 39241 the environment, and anticipated opposition. Statements must be 39242 filed 30 days in advance. 39243% 39244Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. 39245 -- Fletcher Knebel 39246% 39247Smoking Prohibited. Absolutely no ifs, ands, or butts. 39248% 39249Smuggling... It's not just a job, it's an adventure! 39250 -- paid for by your local Colombian recruiting office 39251% 39252SNACKTREK: 39253 The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly 39254 returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will 39255 have materialized. 39256 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 39257% 39258Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes? 39259% 39260SNAPPY REPARTEE: 39261 What you'd say if you had another chance. 39262% 39263Snoopy: No problem is so big that it can't be run away from. 39264% 39265Snow and adolescence are the only problems 39266that disappear if you ignore them long enough. 39267% 39268Snow Day -- stay home. 39269% 39270Snow White has become a camera buff. She spends hours and hours 39271shooting pictures of the seven dwarfs and their antics. Then she 39272mails the exposed film to a cut rate photo service. It takes weeks 39273for the developed film to arrive in the mail, but that is all right 39274with Snow White. She clears the table, washes the dishes and sweeps 39275the floor, all the while singing "Someday my prints will come." 39276% 39277So... did you ever wonder, do garbagemen take showers before they 39278go to work? 39279% 39280So do the noble fall. For they are ever caught in a trap of their own making. 39281A trap -- walled by duty, and locked by reality. Against the greater force 39282they must fall -- for, against that force they fight because of duty, because 39283of obligations. And when the noble fall, the base remain. The base -- whose 39284only purpose is the corruption of what the noble did protect. Whose only 39285purpose is to destroy. The noble: who, even when fallen, retain a vestige of 39286strength. For theirs is a strength born of things other than mere force. 39287Theirs is a strength supreme... theirs is the strength -- to restore. 39288 -- Gerry Conway, "Thor", #193 39289% 39290So far as I can remember, there is not one 39291word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence. 39292 -- Bertrand Russell 39293% 39294So far as we are human, what we do must be either evil or good: so far 39295as we do evil or good, we are human: and it is better, in a paradoxical 39296way, to do evil than to do nothing: at least we exist. 39297 -- T.S. Eliot, essay on Baudelaire 39298% 39299So from the depths of its enchantment, Terra was able to calculate a course 39300of action. Here at last was an opportunity to consort with Dirbanu on a 39301friendly basis -- great Durbanu which, since it had force fields which Earth 39302could not duplicate, must of necessity have many other things Earth could 39303use; mighty Durbanu before whom we would kneel in supplication (with purely- 39304for-defense bombs hidden in our pockets) with lowered heads (making invisible 39305the knife in our teeth) and ask for crumbs from their table (in order to 39306extrapolate the location of their kitchens). 39307 -- T. Sturgeon, "The World Well Lost" 39308% 39309So... how come the Corinthians never wrote back? 39310% 39311So, if there's no God, who changes the water? 39312 -- New Yorker cartoon of two goldfish in a bowl 39313% 39314So I'm ugly. So what? I never saw anyone hit with his face. 39315 -- Yogi Berra 39316% 39317So, is the glass half empty, half full, or just twice as 39318large as it needs to be? 39319% 39320So little time, so little to do. 39321 -- Oscar Levant 39322% 39323So live that you wouldn't be ashamed 39324to sell the family parrot to the town gossip. 39325% 39326So many beautiful women and so little time. 39327 -- John Barrymore 39328% 39329So many men and so little time. 39330% 39331So many men, so many opinions; every one his own way. 39332 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) 39333% 39334So many women, and so little time! 39335% 39336So many women, so little nerve. 39337% 39338So much food, and so little time! 39339% 39340So much 39341depends 39342upon 39343a red 39344 39345wheel 39346barrow 39347glazed with 39348 39349rain 39350water 39351beside 39352the white 39353chickens. 39354 -- William Carlos Williams, "The Red Wheel Barrow" 39355% 39356So now 39357that you have- 39358 39359you know, whoever 39360 39361you're trying 39362to do 39363 39364a favor 39365for 39366 39367-you've done it- 39368 39369and I'm sure 39370you had 39371 39372a smirk 39373on your mouth 39374 39375as you got me 39376into this. 39377 -- "To Linda", from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot, 39378 composed for Linda Wertheimer of National Public Radio. 39379 From SPY Magazine, November 1992 39380% 39381So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie; 39382and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head 39383into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very imprudently 39384married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand 39385Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top, and they all 39386fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran 39387out at the heels of their boots. 39388 -- Samuel Foote 39389% 39390So so is good, very good, very excellent good: 39391and yet it is not; it is but so so. 39392 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It" 39393% 39394So... so you think you can tell 39395Heaven from Hell? 39396Blue skies from pain? Did they get you to trade 39397Can you tell a green field Your heroes for ghosts? 39398From a cold steel rail? Hot ashes for trees? 39399A smile from a veil? Hot air for a cool breeze? 39400Do you think you can tell? Cold comfort for change? 39401 Did you exchange 39402 A walk on part in a war 39403 For the lead role in a cage? 39404 -- Pink Floyd, "Wish You Were Here" 39405% 39406So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their procedure is 39407to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as to infest the 39408waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of sharks today is 39409bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making documentaries. Once the 39410sharks arrive, they are generally fairly listless. The general shark attitude 39411seems to be: "Oh God, another documentary." So the divers have to somehow 39412goad them into attacking, under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know 39413very little about the effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will 39414say, in a deeply scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this 39415Great White in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind 39416of thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and 39417then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very dangerous 39418development, although clearly it is what they wanted all along. 39419 -- Dave Barry 39420% 39421So this it it. We're going to die. 39422% 39423So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway? 39424And why can't he ever remember his Bible? 39425% 39426So, you better watch out! 39427You better not cry! 39428You better not pout! 39429I'm telling you why, 39430Santa Claus is coming, to town. 39431 39432He knows when you've been sleeping, 39433He know when you're awake. 39434He knows if you've been bad or good, 39435He has ties with the CIA. 39436So... 39437% 39438"So you don't have to, Cindy, but I was wondering if you might 39439 want to go to someplace, you know, with me, sometime." 39440"Well, I can think of a lot of worse things, David." 39441"Friday, then?" 39442"Why not, David, it might even be fun." 39443 -- Dating in Minnesota 39444% 39445So you see Antonio, why worry about one little core dump, eh? In reality 39446all core dumps happen at the same instant, so the core dump you will have 39447tomorrow, why, it already happened. You see, it's just a little universal 39448recursive joke which threads our lives through the infinite potential of 39449the instant. So go to sleep, Antonio, your thread could break any moment 39450and cast you out of the safe security of the instant into the dark void of 39451eternity, the anti-time. So go to sleep... 39452% 39453So you think that money is the root of all evil. 39454Have you ever asked what is the root of money? 39455 -- Ayn Rand 39456% 39457So you're back... about time... 39458% 39459Soap and education are not as sudden as a 39460massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run. 39461 -- Mark Twain 39462% 39463SOCIALISM: 39464 You have two cows. Give one to your neighbour. 39465COMMUNISM: 39466 You have two cows. 39467 Give both to the government. The government gives you milk. 39468CAPITALISM: 39469 You sell one cow and buy a bull. 39470FASCISM: 39471 You have two cows. Give milk to the government. 39472 The government sells it. 39473NAZISM: 39474 The government shoots you and takes the cows. 39475NEW DEALISM: 39476 The government shoots one cow, 39477 milks the other, and pours the milk down the sink. 39478ANARCHISM: 39479 Keep the cows. Steal another one. Shoot the government. 39480CONSERVATISM: 39481 Freeze the milk. Embalm the cows. 39482% 39483Software production is assumed to be a line function, but it is run 39484like a staff function." 39485 -- Paul Licker 39486% 39487Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more 39488"user-friendly". ... Their best approach, so far, has been to take all 39489the old brochures, and stamp the words, "user-friendly" on the cover. 39490 -- Bill Gates, Microsoft, Inc. 39491% 39492Soldiers who wish to be a hero 39493Are practically zero, 39494But those who wish to be civilians, 39495They run into the millions. 39496% 39497Solipsists of the World... you are already united. 39498 -- Kayvan Sylvan 39499% 39500Solutions are obvious if one only has the 39501optical power to observe them over the horizon. 39502 -- K.A. Arsdall 39503% 39504Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed, 39505and some few to be chewed and digested. 39506 -- Francis Bacon 39507 [As anyone who has ever owned a puppy already knows. Ed.] 39508% 39509Some changes are so slow, you don't notice them. 39510Others are so fast, they don't notice you. 39511% 39512Some circumstantial evidence is very strong, 39513as when you find a trout in the milk. 39514 -- Thoreau 39515% 39516Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke. 39517% 39518Some marriages are made in heaven -- but so are thunder and lightning. 39519% 39520Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them. 39521 -- Ed Howe 39522% 39523Some men are all right in their place -- if they only the knew the right 39524places! 39525 -- Mae West 39526% 39527Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, 39528and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them. 39529 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" 39530% 39531Some men are discovered; others are found out. 39532% 39533Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think 39534about sex at all... they become lawyers. 39535 -- Woody Allen 39536% 39537Some men are so interested in their wives continued happiness 39538that they hire detectives to find out the reason for it. 39539% 39540Some men are so macho they'll get you pregnant just to kill a rabbit. 39541 -- Maureen Murphy 39542% 39543Some men feel that the only thing they owe 39544the woman who marries them is a grudge. 39545 -- Helen Rowland 39546% 39547Some men love truth so much that they seem to be in continual fear 39548lest she should catch a cold on overexposure. 39549 -- Samuel Butler 39550% 39551Some men rob you with a six-gun -- others with a fountain pen. 39552 -- Woodie Guthrie 39553% 39554Some men who fear that they are playing 39555second fiddle aren't in the band at all. 39556% 39557Some of my readers ask me what a "Serial Port" is. 39558The answer is: I don't know. 39559Is it some kind of wine you have with breakfast? 39560% 39561Some of the most interesting documents from Sweden's middle ages are the 39562old county laws (well, we never had counties but it's the nearest equivalent 39563I can find for "landskap"). These laws were written down sometime in the 3956413th century, but date back even down into Viking times. The oldest one is 39565the Vastgota law which clearly has pagan influences, thinly covered with some 39566Christian stuff. In this law, we find a page about "lekare", which is the 39567Old Norse word for a performing artist, actor/jester/musician etc. Here is 39568an approximate translation, where I have written "artist" as equivalent of 39569"lekare". 39570 "If an artist is beaten, none shall pay fines for it. If an artist 39571 is wounded, one such who goes with hurdie-gurdie or travels with 39572 fiddle or drum, then the people shall take a wild heifer and bring 39573 it out on the hillside. Then they shall shave off all hair from the 39574 heifer's tail, and grease the tail. Then the artist shall be given 39575 newly greased shoes. Then he shall take hold of the heifer's tail, 39576 and a man shall strike it with a sharp whip. If he can hold her, he 39577 shall have the animal. If he cannot hold her, he shall endure what 39578 he received, shame and wounds." 39579% 39580Some of the things that live the longest 39581in peoples' memories never really happened. 39582% 39583Some of them want to use you, 39584Some of them want to be used by you, 39585...Everybody's looking for something. 39586 -- Eurythmics 39587% 39588Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. 39589 -- Gloria Steinem 39590% 39591Some parts of the past must be preserved, 39592and some of the future prevented at all costs. 39593% 39594Some people are afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths. 39595 -- Stephen Wright 39596% 39597Some people around here wouldn't recognize 39598subtlety if it hit them on the head. 39599% 39600Some people call them "cars" or "trucks"; I call them "dimensional 39601transmogrifiers" because they change three-dimensional cats into 39602two-dimensional ones. 39603 -- F. Frederick Skitty 39604% 39605Some people carve careers, others chisel them. 39606% 39607Some people cause happiness wherever 39608they go; others, whenever they go. 39609% 39610Some people claim that the UNIX learning curve is steep, 39611but at least you only have to climb it once. 39612% 39613Some people have a great ambition: to build something 39614that will last, at least until they've finished building it. 39615% 39616Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have 39617only one life to live, let me live it as a jerk." 39618% 39619Some people have no respect for age unless it's bottled. 39620% 39621Some people have parts that are so private 39622they themselves have no knowledge of them. 39623% 39624Some people live life in the fast lane. 39625You're in oncoming traffic. 39626% 39627Some people manage by the book, even though they 39628don't know who wrote the book or even what book. 39629% 39630Some people need a good imaginary cure 39631for their painful imaginary ailment. 39632% 39633Some people only open up to tell you that they're closed. 39634% 39635Some people pray for more than they are willing to work for. 39636% 39637Some people say a front-engine car handles best. Some people say a 39638rear-engine car handles best. I say a rented car handles best. 39639 -- P.J. O'Rourke 39640% 39641Some peoples mouths work faster than their brains. 39642They say things they haven't even thought of yet. 39643% 39644Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall. 39645% 39646Some say the world will end in fire, 39647Some say in ice. 39648From what I've tasted of desire 39649I hold with those who favor fire. 39650But if it had to perish twice 39651I think I know enough of hate 39652To say that for destruction, ice 39653Is also great 39654And would suffice 39655 -- Robert Frost, "Fire and Ice" 39656% 39657Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books. 39658 -- Folk saying 39659% 39660Some things have to be believed to be seen. 39661% 39662Somebody left the cork out of my lunch. 39663 -- W.C. Fields 39664% 39665Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers 39666so that the pens will multiply instead of disappear. 39667% 39668Somebody's moggy, by the side of the road, 39669Somebody's pussy, who forgot his highway code, 39670Somebody's favourite feline, who ran clean out of luck, 39671When he ran onto the road, and tried to argue with a truck. 39672 39673Yesterday he purred and played, in his pussy paradise, 39674Decapitating tweety birds, and masticating mice. 39675Now he's just six pounds of raw mince meat, 39676That don't smell very nice -- 39677He's nobody's moggy now. 39678 39679Oh you who love your pussy, 39680Be sure to keep him in. 39681Don't let him argue with a truck, If he tries to play 39682The truck is bound to win. On the road way 39683And upon the busy road, I'm afraid that will be that, 39684Don't let him play or frolic. There will be one last despairing 39685If you do, I'm warning you, "Meow!" 39686It could be cat-astrophic! And a sort of squelchy Splat! 39687 And your pussy will be slightly dead, 39688He's nobody's moggy -- And very, very flat! 39689Just red and squashed and soggy -- 39690He's nobody's moggy now. 39691 -- Eric Bogle, "Scraps of Paper" 39692% 39693Somebody's terminal is dropping bits. 39694I found a pile of them over in the corner. 39695% 39696Someday somebody has got to decide whether the 39697typewriter is the machine, or the person who operates it. 39698% 39699Someday, Weederman, we'll look back on all this and laugh... It will 39700probably be one of those deep, eerie ones that slowly builds to a 39701blood-curdling maniacal scream... but still it will be a laugh. 39702 -- Mister Boffo 39703% 39704Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car. 39705 -- Evan Davis 39706% 39707Someday you'll get your big chance -- or have you already had it? 39708% 39709Someday your prints will come. 39710 -- Kodak 39711% 39712Somehow I reached excess without ever noticing 39713when I was passing through satisfaction. 39714 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 39715% 39716Somehow, the world always affects you more than you affect it. 39717% 39718Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York 39719City. One is "Hey, taxi." Two is, "What train do I take to get to 39720Bloomingdale's?" And three is, "Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound." 39721 -- David Letterman 39722% 39723Someone is speaking well of you. 39724% 39725Someone is speaking well of you. 39726How unusual! 39727% 39728Someone is unenthusiastic about your work. 39729% 39730Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow. 39731% 39732Someone will try to honk your nose today. 39733% 39734Something better... 39735 39736 1 (obvious): Excuse me. Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face? 39737 2 (meteorological): Everybody take cover. She's going to blow. 39738 3 (fashionable): You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore 39739 something larger. Like ... Wyoming. 39740 4 (personal): Well, here we are. Just the three of us. 39741 5 (punctual): Alright gentlemen. Your nose was on time but you were fifteen 39742 minutes late. 39743 6 (envious): Oooo, I wish I were you. Gosh. To be able to smell your 39744 own ear. 39745 7 (naughty): Pardon me, Sir. Some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn't 39746 mind putting that thing away. 39747 8 (philosophical): You know. It's not the size of a nose that's important. 39748 It's what's in it that matters. 39749 9 (humorous): Laugh and the world laughs with you. Sneeze and its goodbye 39750 Seattle. 3975110 (commercial): Hi, I'm Earl Schibe and I can paint that nose for $39.95. 3975211 (polite): Ah. Would you mind not bobbing your head. The orchestra keeps 39753 changing tempo. 3975412 (melodic): Everybody! "He's got the whole world in his nose." 39755 -- Steve Martin, "Roxanne" 39756% 39757Something unpleasant is coming when men are anxious to tell the truth. 39758 -- Benjamin Disraeli 39759% 39760Something's rotten in the state of Denmark. 39761 -- Shakespeare 39762% 39763Sometime when you least expect it, Love will tap you on the shoulder... 39764and ask you to move out of the way because it still isn't your turn. 39765 -- N.V. Plyter 39766% 39767Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. 39768 -- Sigmund Freud 39769% 39770Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a 39771fool is despised only because he is a lawyer. 39772 -- Montesquieu 39773% 39774Sometimes, at the end of the day, when I'm 39775smiling and shaking their hands, I want to kick them. 39776 -- Richard M. Nixon 39777% 39778Sometimes even to live is an act of courage. 39779 -- Seneca 39780% 39781Sometimes I feel like I'm fading away, 39782Looking at me, I got nothin' to say. 39783Don't make me angry with the things games that you play, 39784Either light up or leave me alone. 39785% 39786Sometimes I get the feeling that I went to a party on Perry Lane in 1962, and 39787the party spilled out of the house, and came down the street, and covered the 39788world. 39789 -- Robert Stone 39790% 39791Sometimes I live in the country, 39792And sometimes I live in town. 39793And sometimes I have a great notion, 39794To jump in the river and drown. 39795% 39796Sometimes I simply feel that the whole 39797world is a cigarette and I'm the only ashtray. 39798% 39799Sometimes I wonder if I'm in my right mind. 39800Then it passes off and I'm as intelligent as ever. 39801 -- Samuel Beckett, "Endgame" 39802% 39803Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world. 39804 -- Lily Tomlin 39805% 39806Sometimes it happens. People just explode. Natural causes. 39807 -- Repo Man 39808% 39809Sometimes love ain't nothing but a misunderstanding between two fools. 39810% 39811SOMETIMES THE BEAUTY OF THE WORLD is so overwhelming, I just want to throw 39812back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle and I don't care who hears 39813me because I am beautiful. 39814 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 39815% 39816Sometimes the best medicine is to stop taking something. 39817% 39818Sometimes the light is all shining on me, 39819Other times I can hardly see. 39820Lately it occurs to me 39821What a long strange trip it's been. 39822 -- The Grateful Dead, "American Beauty" 39823% 39824Sometimes, too long is too long. 39825 -- Joe Crowe 39826% 39827Sometimes when I get up in the morning, I feel very peculiar. I feel 39828like I've just got to bite a cat! I feel like if I don't bite a cat 39829before sundown, I'll go crazy! But then I just take a deep breath and 39830forget about it. That's what is known as real maturity. 39831 -- Snoopy 39832% 39833Sometimes, when I think of what that girl means 39834to me, it's all I can do to keep from telling her. 39835 -- Andy Capp 39836% 39837Sometimes when you look into his eyes you get the feeling that someone 39838else is driving. 39839 -- David Letterman 39840% 39841Sometimes you get an almost irresistible urge to go on living. 39842% 39843Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering. 39844% 39845Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a 39846woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. 39847 -- Sam Levenson 39848% 39849Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known. 39850 -- Carl Sagan 39851% 39852Son, someday a man is going to walk up to you with a deck of cards on which 39853the seal is not yet broken. And he is going to offer to bet you that he can 39854make the Ace of Spades jump out of the deck and squirt cider in your ears. 39855But son, do not bet this man, for you will end up with a ear full of cider. 39856 -- Sky Masterson's Father 39857% 39858Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. 39859(Those who have already paid may disregard this cookie). 39860% 39861Sorry. Nice try. 39862% 39863Sorry never means having you're say to love. 39864% 39865Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly 39866big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the 39867drug store, but that's just peanuts to space. 39868 -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy 39869% 39870Space is to place as eternity is to time. 39871 -- Joseph Joubert 39872% 39873Space tells matter how to move and matter tells space how to curve. 39874 -- Wheeler 39875% 39876Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. 39877Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds; to seek out new life 39878and new civilizations; to boldly go where no man has gone before. 39879 -- Captain James T. Kirk 39880% 39881SPAGMUMPS: 39882 Any of the millions of Styrofoam wads that accompany mail-order items. 39883 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 39884% 39885Speak roughly to your little boy, 39886 And beat him when he sneezes: 39887He only does it to annoy 39888 Because he knows it teases. 39889 39890 Wow! wow! wow! 39891 39892I speak severely to my boy, 39893 And beat him when he sneezes: 39894For he can thoroughly enjoy 39895 The pepper when he pleases! 39896 39897 Wow! wow! wow! 39898% 39899Speak roughly to your little Vax, 39900And boot it when it crashes; 39901It knows that one cannot relax 39902Because the paging thrashes! 39903 39904I speak severely to my Vax, 39905And boot it when it crashes; 39906In spite of all my favorite hacks, 39907My jobs it always trashes! 39908% 39909Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword. 39910% 39911"Speak, thou vast and venerable head," muttered Ahab, "which, though 39912ungarnished with a beard, yet here and there lookest hoary with mosses; speak, 39913mighty head, and tell us the secret thing that is in thee. Of all divers, 39914thou has dived the deepest. That head upon which the upper sun now gleams has 39915moved amid the world's foundations. Where unrecorded names and navies rust, 39916and untold hopes and anchors rot; where in her murderous hold this frigate 39917earth is ballasted with bones of millions of the drowned; there, in that awful 39918water-land, there was thy most familiar home. Thou hast been where bell or 39919diver never went; has slept by many a sailer's side, where sleepless mothers 39920would give their lives to lay them down. Thou saw'st the locked lovers when 39921leaping from their flaming ship; heart to heart they sank beneath the exulting 39922wave; true to each other, when heaven seemed false to them. Thou saw'st the 39923murdered mate when tossed by pirates from the midnight deck; for hours he fell 39924into the deeper midnight of the insatiate maw; and his murderers still sailed 39925on unharmed -- while swift lightnings shivered the neighboring ship that would 39926have borne a righteous husband to outstretched, longing arms. O head! thou has 39927seen enough to split the planets and make an infidel of Abraham, and not one 39928syllable is thine!" 39929 -- H. Melville, "Moby Dick" 39930% 39931Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am sure 39932that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging, cycle-grabbing, 39933all-encompassing monster. Allocate an array and free the middle third? 39934Sure! Why not? Multiply a character string times a bit string and assign the 39935result to a float decimal? Go ahead! Free a controlled variable procedure 39936parameter and reallocate it before passing it back? Overlay three different 39937types of variable on the same memory location? Anything you say! Write a 39938recursive macro? Well, no, but Real Men use rescan. How could a language 39939so obviously designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use? 39940% 39941Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently these 39942days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people to communicate 39943with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't communicate, children 39944who can't communicate with their parents, and so on. And the characters in 39945these books and plays and so on (and in real life, I might add) spend hours 39946bemoaning the fact that they can't communicate. I feel that if a person can't 39947communicate, the very least he can do is to shut up! 39948 -- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was" 39949% 39950Speaking of purchasing a dog, never buy a watchdog that's 39951on sale. After all, everyone knows a bargain dog never bites! 39952% 39953Special tonight, the best toot in town at prices you won't believe!! 39954Also, the finest dope, brought all the way from Columbia by spirited 39955young adventurers. All available tonight, as usual, in the graduate 39956students bullpen from 11: pm on, usual terms and conditions. 39957Faculty members especially welcome. 39958% 39959Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour unless the 39960motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a drink in 30 days, 39961when the driver will be permitted to make what he can. 39962 -- Proposed legislation, Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907 39963% 39964Spence's Admonition: 39965 Never stow away on a kamikaze plane. 39966% 39967Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers. 39968% 39969SPINSTER: 39970 A bachelor's wife. 39971% 39972SPIRTLE: 39973 The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands 39974 right in your eye. 39975 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 39976% 39977Spock: The odds of surviving another 39978attack are 13562190123 to 1, Captain. 39979% 39980Spock: We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain. 39981% 39982SPOUSE: 39983 Someone who'll stand by you through all the 39984 trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single. 39985% 39986Spring is here, spring is here, 39987Life is skittles and life is beer. 39988% 39989SQUATCHO: 39990 The button at the top of a baseball cap. 39991 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 39992% 39993Squirrels eating squirrels, my God, that's sick. 39994% 39995St. Patrick was a gentleman 39996who through strategy and stealth 39997drove all the snakes from Ireland. 39998Here's a toasting to his health -- 39999but not too many toastings 40000lest you lose yourself and then 40001forget the good St. Patrick 40002and see all those snakes again. 40003% 40004Stability itself is nothing else than a more sluggish motion. 40005% 40006Staff meeting in the conference room in 3 minutes. 40007% 40008Stalin was dying, and summoned Khruschev to his bedside. Wheezing his last 40009words with difficulty, Stalin tells Khruschev, "The reins of the country are 40010now in your hands. But before I go, I want to give you some advice." 40011 "Yes, yes, what is it?" says Khruschev, impatiently. Reaching under 40012his pillow, Stalin produced two envelopes labeled #1 and #2. 40013 "Take these letters," he tells Khruschev. "Keep them safely -- don't 40014open them. Only if the country is in turmoil and things aren't going well, 40015open the first one. That'll give you some advice on what to do. And, if 40016after that, if things start getting REALLY bad, open the second one." And 40017with a gasp Stalin breathed his last. 40018 Well, within a few years Khruschev started having problems -- 40019unemployment increased, crops failed, people became restless. He decided it 40020was time to open the first letter. All it said was: "Blame everything on me!" 40021So Khruschev launched a massive deStalinization campaign, and blamed Stalin 40022for all the excesses and purges and ills of the present system. 40023 But things continued on the downslide, and, finally, after much 40024deliberation, Khruschev opened the second letter. 40025 All it said was: "Write two letters." 40026% 40027Stamp out organized crime!! Abolish the IRS. 40028% 40029Stamp out philately. 40030% 40031STANDARDS: 40032 The principles we use to reject other people's code. 40033% 40034Standards are different for all things, so the standard set by man is by 40035no means the only 'certain' standard. If you mistake what is relative for 40036something certain, you have strayed far from the ultimate truth. 40037 -- Chuang Tzu 40038% 40039Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down. 40040% 40041Stanford women are responsible for the success of many Stanford men: 40042they give them "just one more reason" to stay in and study every night. 40043% 40044Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist drivel; 40045Star Trek can turn your brains to puree of bat guano; and the greatest 40046science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll take you all 40047on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up! 40048 -- Harlan Ellison 40049% 40050Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. 40051 -- W.C. Fields 40052% 40053Start the day with a smile. 40054After that you can be your nasty old self again. 40055% 40056State license plates we'd like to see: 40057 40058 NEVADA MASSACHUSETTS 40059 LVME 10DR OW-A CAH 40060LAND OF 10,00 ELVIS IMPERSONATORS THE GOOFY ACCENT STATE 40061 40062 HAWAII WISCONSIN 40063 L-O HA CHEDDAR 40064FRUITY UMBRELLA COCKTAIL WONDERLAND EAT CHEESE OR DIE 40065% 40066State license plates we'd like to see: 40067 40068 ALABAMA ARIZONA 40069 IC1 NOW 120 F 40070THE UFO SIGHTING STATE THE HEAT PROSTRATION STATE 40071 40072 CONNECTICUT MISSISSIPPI 40073 5:36 EXP 4I4S2PS 40074WHERE THE SMART NY WORK FORCE LIVES THE MOST OFTEN MISSPELLED STATE 40075 40076 TEXAS FLORIDA 40077 1-2-3 HIKE ZON KED 40078 PLAY FOOTBALL OR DIE AMERICA'S DRUG DEALER 40079% 40080State license plates we'd like to see: 40081 40082 MICHIGAN CALIFORNIA 40083 4-GET 74-77 EGO-MN-E-X 40084EMBARRASSED HOME STATE OF GERALD FORD THE SERIAL KILLER STATE 40085 40086 NORTH CAROLINA NEW JERSEY 40087 WL-GOLLY ARG GGH 40088HOME OF GOMER, GOOBER AND JESSE HELMS FIRST IN TOXIC WASTE 40089 40090 KANSAS WASHINGTON DC 40091 TOTO -2 $10000000 ETC 40092THE NOT MUCH SINCE THE WIZARD OF OZ WASTING YOUR MONEY SINCE 1810 40093 MOVIE STATE 40094% 40095STATISTICS: 40096 A system for expressing your political 40097 prejudices in convincing scientific guise. 40098% 40099Statistics are no substitute for judgement. 40100 -- Henry Clay 40101% 40102Statistics means never having to say you're certain. 40103% 40104Stay away from flying saucers today. 40105% 40106Stay away from hurricanes for a while. 40107% 40108Stay the curse. 40109% 40110Stay together, drag each other down. 40111% 40112Stayed in bed all morning just to pass the time, 40113There's something wrong here, there can be no more denying, 40114One of us is changing, or maybe we just stopped trying, 40115 40116And it's too late, baby, now, it's too late, 40117Though we really did try to make it, 40118Something inside has died and I can't hide and I just can't fake it... 40119 40120It used to be so easy living here with you, 40121You were light and breezy and I knew just what to do 40122Now you look so unhappy and I feel like a fool. 40123 40124There'll be good times again for me and you, 40125But we just can't stay together, don't you feel it too? 40126But I'm glad for what we had and that I once loved you... 40127 40128But it's too late baby... 40129It's too late, now darling, it's too late... 40130 -- Carol King, "Tapestry" 40131% 40132Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time. So 40133long as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental 40134hooks into, there is room for lateral movement. Once this begins, 40135its rate is a matter of discretion. 40136 -- Corwin, "Prince of Amber" 40137% 40138Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly. 40139% 40140Steckel's Rule to Success: 40141 Good enough is never good enough. 40142% 40143Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy: 40144 Everybody should believe in something -- 40145 I believe I'll have another drink. 40146% 40147Stellar rays prove fibbing never pays. 40148Embezzlement is another matter. 40149% 40150Stenderup's Law: 40151 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up. 40152% 40153Step back, unbelievers! 40154Or the rain will never come. 40155Somebody keep the fire burning, someone come and beat the drum. 40156You may think I'm crazy, you may think that I'm insane, 40157But I swear to you, before this day is out, 40158 you folks are gonna see some rain! 40159% 40160Still a few bugs in the system... Someday I have to tell you about Uncle 40161Nahum from Maine, who spent years trying to cross a jellyfish with a shad 40162so he could breed boneless shad. His experiment backfired too, and he 40163wound up with bony jellyfish... which was hardly worth the trouble. There's 40164very little call for those up there. 40165 -- Allucquere R. "Sandy" Stone 40166% 40167Still looking for the glorious results of my misspent youth. 40168Say, do you have a map to the next joint? 40169% 40170Stinginess with privileges is kindness in disguise. 40171 -- Guide to VAX/VMS Security, Sep. 1984 40172% 40173Stock's Observation: 40174 You no sooner get your head above water 40175 but what someone pulls your flippers off. 40176% 40177Stone's Law: 40178 One man's "simple" is another man's "huh?" 40179% 40180Stop! There was first a game of blindman's buff. Of course there was. 40181And I no more believe Topper was really blind than I believe he had eyes 40182in his boots. My opinion is, that it was a done thing between him and 40183Scrooge's nephew; and that the Ghost of Christmas Present knew it. The 40184way he went after that plump sister in the lace tucker, was an outrage 40185on the credulity of human nature. 40186% 40187Stop me, before I kill again! 40188% 40189Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. 40190% 40191Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. 40192Now, if they'd only take a bath... 40193% 40194Stop searching forever. Happiness is just next to you. 40195% 40196Stop searching forever. Happiness is unattainable. 40197% 40198Strange things are done to be number one 40199In selling the computer The Druids were entrepreneurs, 40200IBM has their strategem And they built a granite box 40201Which steadily grows acuter, It tracked the moon, warned of monsoons, 40202And Honeywell competes like Hell, And forecast the equinox 40203But the story's missing link Their price was right, their future 40204Is the system old at Stonemenge sold bright, 40205By the firm of Druids, Inc. The prototype was sold; 40206 From Stonehenge site their bits and byte 40207 Would ship for Celtic gold. 40208The movers came to crate the frame; 40209It weighed a million ton! 40210The traffic folk thought it a joke The man spoke true, and thus to you 40211(the wagon wheels just spun); A warning from the ages; 40212"They'll nay sell that," the foreman Your stock will slip if you can't ship 40213 spat, What's in your brochure's pages. 40214"Just leave the wild weeds grow; See if it sells without the bells 40215"It's Druid-kind, over-designed, And strings that ring and quiver; 40216"And belly up they'll go." Druid repute went down the chute 40217 Because they couldn't deliver. 40218 -- Edward C. McManus, "The Computer at Stonehenge" 40219% 40220STRATEGY: 40221 A comprehensive plan of inaction. 40222% 40223Strategy: 40224 A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until sometime 40225 after those creating it have left the organization. 40226% 40227Straw? No, too stupid a fad. I put soot on warts. 40228% 40229Stress has been pinpointed as a major cause of illness. To avoid overload 40230and burnout, keep stress out of your life. Give it to others instead. Learn 40231the "Gaslight" treatment, the "Are you talking to me?" technique, and the 40232"Do you feel okay? You look pale." approach. Start with negotiation and 40233implication. Advance to manipulation and humiliation. Above all, relax 40234and have a nice day. 40235% 40236Stuckness shouldn't be avoided. It's the psychic predecessor of all 40237real understanding. An egoless acceptance of stuckness is a key to an 40238understanding of all Quality, in mechanical work as in other endeavors. 40239 -- R. Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" 40240% 40241Stult's Report: 40242 Our problems are mostly behind us. 40243 What we have to do now is fight the solutions. 40244% 40245STUPID: 40246 Losing $25 on the tackle and $25 on the instant replay. 40247% 40248Stupidity is its own reward. 40249% 40250Style may not be the answer, but at least it's a workable alternative. 40251% 40252Suaviter in modo, fortiter in re. 40253Se non e vero, e ben trovato. 40254% 40255Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very'; your 40256editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. 40257 -- Mark Twain 40258% 40259Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the 40260way before it is understood. 40261% 40262Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names 40263the streets after them. 40264 -- Bill Vaughn 40265% 40266Success is a journey, not a destination. 40267% 40268Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get. 40269% 40270Success is in the minds of Fools. 40271 -- William Wrenshaw, 1578 40272% 40273Success is relative: It is what we can make of the mess we have 40274made of things. 40275 -- T.S. Eliot, "The Family Reunion" 40276% 40277Success is something I will dress for when I get there, and not until. 40278% 40279Success is the sole earthly judge of right and wrong. 40280 -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf" 40281% 40282Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring. 40283% 40284Such a fine first dream! 40285But they laughed at me; they said 40286I had made it up. 40287% 40288Such a foolish notion, that war is called devotion, 40289when the greatest warriors are the ones who stand for peace. 40290% 40291Such efforts are almost always slow, laborious, political, 40292petty, boring, ponderous, thankless, and of the utmost criticality. 40293 -- Leonard Kleinrock, on standards efforts 40294% 40295Such evil deeds could religion prompt. 40296 -- Titus Lucretius Carus 40297% 40298Sudden Death Dating: 40299 40300Quote, female: 40301 Am I worried about taking his last name? Forget it, 40302 at this point I'll take his first name, too. 40303% 40304Suffering alone exists, none who suffer; 40305The deed there is, but no doer thereof; 40306Nirvana is, but no one is seeking it; 40307The Path there is, but none who travel it. 40308 -- "Buddhist Symbolism", Symbols and Values 40309% 40310Suggest you just sit there and wait till life gets easier. 40311% 40312Suicide is simply a case of mistaken identity. 40313% 40314Suicide is the sincerest form of self-criticism. 40315 -- Donald Kaul 40316% 40317Sum quod eris. 40318% 40319Sun in the night, everyone is together, 40320Ascending into the heavens, life is forever. 40321 -- Brand X, "Moroccan Roll/Sun in the Night" 40322% 40323SUN Microsystems: 40324 The Network IS the Load Average. 40325% 40326SUNSET: 40327 Pronounced atmospheric scattering of shorter wavelengths, 40328 resulting in selective transmission below 650 nanometers with 40329 progressively reducing solar elevation. 40330% 40331Superstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy 40332have ample wages, but truth goes a-begging. 40333 -- Martin Luther 40334% 40335Supervisor: Do you think you understand the basic ideas of Quantum Mechanics? 40336Supervisee: Ah! Well, what do we mean by "to understand" in the context of 40337 Quantum Mechanics? 40338Supervisor: You mean "No", don't you? 40339Supervisee: Yes. 40340 -- Overheard at a supervision. 40341% 40342Support Bingo, keep Grandma off the streets. 40343% 40344Support mental health or I'LL KILL YOU!!!! 40345% 40346Support the American Kidney Foundation. 40347Don't wear your motorcycle helmet. 40348% 40349Support the Girl Scouts! 40350 (Today's Brownie is tomorrow's Cookie!) 40351% 40352Support the right of unborn males to bear arms! 40353 -- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly, 40354 the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle Association 40355% 40356Support your local church or synagogue. 40357Worship at Bank of America. 40358% 40359Support your right to arm bears!! 40360% 40361Support your right to bare arms! 40362 -- A message from the National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association 40363% 40364Suppose for a moment that the automobile industry had developed at the same 40365rate as computers and over the same period: how much cheaper and more 40366efficient would the current models be? If you have not already heard the 40367analogy, the answer is shattering. Today you would be able to buy a 40368Rolls-Royce for $2.75, it would do three million miles to the gallon, and 40369it would deliver enough power to drive the Queen Elizabeth II. And if you 40370were interested in miniaturization, you could place half a dozen of them on 40371a pinhead. 40372 -- Christopher Evans 40373% 40374Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests. 40375But what if he forgets? 40376% 40377Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest 40378men in national government too. 40379 -- Richard M. Nixon 40380% 40381Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are 40382dishonest men in national government too. 40383 -- Richard Nixon 40384% 40385"Surely you can't be serious." 40386"I am serious, and don't call me Shirley." 40387% 40388Surly to bed, surly to rise, makes you about average. 40389% 40390Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S Audit! 40391Just type in your name and social security number. 40392Please remember that leaving the room is punishable under law: 40393 40394Name # 40395 40396 40397% 40398Surprise due today. Also the rent. 40399% 40400Surprise your boss. Get to work on time. 40401% 40402sushi, n: 40403 When that-which-may-still-be-alive is put on top of rice and 40404 strapped on with electrical tape. 40405% 40406Sushido, n: 40407 The way of the tuna. 40408% 40409Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind. 40410 -- Wm. Shakespeare 40411% 40412Swap read error. You lose your mind. 40413% 40414SWEATER: 40415 A garment worn by a child when their mother feels chilly. 40416% 40417Sweet April showers do spring May flowers. 40418 -- Thomas Tusser 40419% 40420Sweet sixteen is beautiful Bess, 40421And her voice is changing -- from "No" to "Yes". 40422% 40423Swerve me? The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails, 40424whereon my soul is grooved to run. Over unsounded gorges, through 40425the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly 40426I rush! 40427 -- Captain Ahab, "Moby Dick" 40428% 40429Swipple's Rule of Order: 40430 He who shouts the loudest has the floor. 40431% 40432Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is 40433 unusually pale and clear. 40434Problem: Glass empty. 40435Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer. 40436 40437Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, 40438 and the front of your shirt is wet. 40439Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to 40440 wrong part of face. 40441Action Required: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. 40442 Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique. 40443 40444 -- Bar Troubleshooting 40445% 40446Symptom: Everything has gone dark. 40447Fault: The Bar is closing. 40448Action Required: Panic. 40449 40450Symptom: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. 40451 You cannot see the bathroom light. 40452Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter. 40453Action Required: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, 40454 treat yourself to a lie-in. 40455 40456 -- Bar Troubleshooting 40457% 40458Symptom: Feet cold and wet, glass empty. 40459Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle. 40460Action Required: Turn glass other way up so that open end points 40461 toward ceiling. 40462 40463Symptom: Feet warm and wet. 40464Fault: Improper bladder control. 40465Action Required: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain 40466 to the owner about its lack of house training and 40467 demand a beer as compensation. 40468 40469 -- Bar Troubleshooting 40470% 40471Symptom: Floor blurred. 40472Fault: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. 40473Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer. 40474 40475Symptom: Floor moving. 40476Fault: You are being carried out. 40477Action Required: Find out if you are taken to another bar. If not, 40478 complain loudly that you are being kidnapped. 40479 40480 -- Bar Troubleshooting 40481% 40482Symptom: Floor swaying. 40483Fault: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey 40484 game in progress. 40485Action Required: Insert broom handle down back of jacket. 40486 40487Symptom: Everything has gone dim, strange taste of peanuts 40488 and pretzels or cigarette butts in mouth. 40489Fault: You have fallen forward. 40490Action Required: See above. 40491 40492Symptom: Opposite wall covered with acoustic tile and several 40493 fluorescent light strips. 40494Fault: You have fallen over backward. 40495Action Required: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your 40496 drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help 40497 you get up, lash yourself to bar. 40498 40499 -- Bar Troubleshooting 40500% 40501Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon. 40502 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 40503% 40504System checkpoint complete. 40505% 40506System going down at 1:45 this afternoon for disk crashing. 40507% 40508System going down at 5 this afternoon to install scheduler bug. 40509% 40510System going down in 5 minutes. 40511% 40512System restarting, wait... 40513% 40514System/3! System/3! 40515See how it runs! See how it runs! 40516 Its monitor loses so totally! 40517 It runs all its programs in RPG! 40518 It's made by our favorite monopoly! 40519System/3! 40520% 40521SYSTEM-INDEPENDENT: 40522 Works equally poorly on all systems. 40523% 40524Systems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad 40525infinitum -- which is why we're always starting over. 40526 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 40527% 40528Systems programmer: 40529 A person in sandals who has been in the elevator with the senior 40530 vice president and is ultimately responsible for a phone call you 40531 are to receive from your boss. 40532% 40533Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult. 40534 -- R.S. Barton 40535% 40536T: One big monster, he called TROLL. 40537 He don't rock, and he don't roll; 40538 Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies. 40539 He just Love To Eat Them Roguies. 40540 -- The Roguelet's ABC 40541% 40542TACKY: 40543 Serving grape kool-aid at religious functions. 40544% 40545TACT: 40546 The unsaid part of what you're thinking. 40547% 40548Tact consists in knowing how far to go in going too far. 40549 -- Jean Cocteau 40550% 40551Tact in audacity is knowing how far you can go without going too far. 40552 -- Jean Cocteau 40553% 40554Tact is the ability to tell a man he has 40555an open mind when he has a hole in his head. 40556% 40557Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy. 40558% 40559Take a lesson from the whale; the only time 40560he gets speared is when he raises to spout. 40561% 40562Take an astronaut to launch. 40563% 40564Take care of the luxuries and the 40565necessities will take care of themselves. 40566 -- L. Long 40567% 40568Take Care of the Molehills, and the Mountains Will Take Care of Themselves. 40569 -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service 40570% 40571Take everything in stride. 40572Trample anyone who gets in your way. 40573% 40574TAKE FORCEFUL ACTION: 40575 Do something that should have been done a long time ago. 40576% 40577Take it easy, we're in a hurry. 40578% 40579Take me drunk, 40580I'm home again! 40581% 40582Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, 40583but it needs a very clever woman to manage a fool. 40584 -- Kipling 40585% 40586Take time to reflect on all the things you have, not as a result of your 40587merit or hard work or because God or chance or the efforts of other people 40588have given them to you. 40589% 40590Take what you can use and let the rest go by. 40591 -- Ken Kesey 40592% 40593Take your dying with some seriousness, however. 40594Laughing on the way to your execution is not generally understood 40595by less-advanced life-forms, and they'll call you crazy. 40596 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul 40597% 40598Take your Senator to lunch this week. 40599% 40600Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do not 40601take what happens either to yourself or your work seriously. 40602 -- Booth Tarkington 40603% 40604Taking drugs in the 60's, I tried to reach Nirvana, but all I ever 40605got were re-runs of The Mickey Mouse Club. 40606 -- Rev. Jim 40607% 40608Talent does what it can. 40609Genius does what it must. 40610You do what you get paid to do. 40611% 40612Talk is cheap because supply always exceeds demand. 40613% 40614Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish. 40615 -- Euripides 40616% 40617Talkers are no good doers. 40618 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 40619% 40620Talking about music is like dancing about architecture. 40621 -- Laurie Anderson 40622% 40623Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself. 40624 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 40625% 40626Tallulah Bankhead barged down the 40627Nile last night as Cleopatra and sank. 40628 -- John Mason Brown, drama critic 40629% 40630Tan me hide when I'm dead, Fred, 40631Tan me hide when I'm dead. 40632So we tanned his hide when he died, Clyde, 40633It's hanging there on the shed. 40634 40635All together now... 40636 Tie me kangaroo down, sport, 40637 Tie me kangaroo down. 40638 Tie me kangaroo down, sport, 40639 Tie me kangaroo down. 40640% 40641Tart words make no friends; a spoonful of honey 40642will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar. 40643 -- B. Franklin 40644% 40645TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20) 40646 You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination 40647 and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull 40648 headed. You are a Communist. 40649% 40650TAURUS (Apr. 20 to May 20) 40651 Let your self-confidence and determination shine, and people will 40652 find you boorish and headstrong. Travel, promotion, and romance 40653 highlighted, if you live long enough. Don't take any wooden nickels. 40654% 40655TAURUS (Apr.20 - May 20) 40656 Take advantage of this opportunity to get a little extra sleep, 40657 because you're going to miss the bus again today anyway. You will 40658 decide to lose weight today, just like yesterday. 40659% 40660TAX OFFICE: 40661 Den of inequity. 40662% 40663Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't 40664tax me, tax that fellow behind the tree." 40665 -- Russell Long 40666% 40667TAXES: 40668 Of life's two certainties, 40669 the only one for which you can get an extension. 40670% 40671Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed. 40672% 40673TCP/IP Slang Glossary, #1: 40674 40675Gong, n: Medieval term for privvy, or what passed for them in that era. 40676Today used whimsically to describe the aftermath of a bogon attack. Think 40677of our community as the Galapagos of the English language. 40678 40679"Vogons may read you bad poetry, but bogons make you study obsolete RFCs." 40680 -- Dave Mills 40681% 40682Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, 40683when they grow up, they won't be able to edge a car onto a freeway. 40684% 40685Teachers have class. 40686% 40687TEAMWORK: 40688 Having someone to blame. 40689% 40690Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else. 40691% 40692Technicality, n. In an English court a man named Home was tried for 40693slander in having accused a neighbor of murder. His exact words were: 40694"Sir Thomas Holt hath taken a cleaver and stricken his cook upon the 40695head, so that one side of his head fell on one shoulder and the other 40696side upon the other shoulder." The defendant was acquitted by 40697instruction of the court, the learned judges holding that the words did 40698not charge murder, for they did not affirm the death of the cook, that 40699being only an inference. 40700 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 40701% 40702Technique?" said the programmer turning from his terminal, "What I follow 40703is Tao -- beyond all technique! When I first began to program I would see 40704before me the whole problem in one mass. After three years I no longer saw 40705this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing. My whole 40706being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit, free to 40707work without plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program writes 40708itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them coming, I 40709slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code and the 40710difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the program. 40711I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my eyes for 40712a moment and then log off. 40713% 40714Technological progress has merely provided us 40715with more efficient means for going backwards. 40716 -- Aldous Huxley 40717% 40718Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand. 40719% 40720Tehee quod she, and clapte the wyndow to. 40721 -- Geoffrey Chaucer 40722% 40723Telephone books are like dictionaries -- if you know the answer before 40724you look it up, you can eventually reaffirm what you thought you knew 40725but weren't sure. But if you're searching for something you don't 40726already know, your fingers could walk themselves to death. 40727 -- Erma Bombeck 40728% 40729telephone, n.: 40730 An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of 40731making a disagreeable person keep his distance. 40732 -- Ambrose Bierce 40733% 40734TELEPRESSION: 40735 The deep-seated guilt which stems from knowing that you did not try 40736 hard enough to look up the number on your own and instead put the 40737 burden on the directory assistant. 40738 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 40739% 40740Television -- a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done. 40741 -- Ernie Kovacs 40742% 40743Television -- the longest amateur night in history. 40744 -- Robert Carson 40745% 40746Television has brought back murder into the home -- where it belongs. 40747 -- Alfred Hitchcock 40748% 40749Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than 40750each other. 40751 -- Ann Landers 40752% 40753Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. 40754 -- attributed to both Fred Allen and Ernie Kovacs 40755% 40756Television is now so desperately hungry for material 40757that it is scraping the top of the barrel. 40758 -- Gore Vidal 40759% 40760Television only proves that people will look at anything -- 40761rather than each other. 40762% 40763Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll 40764believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have 40765to touch to be sure. 40766% 40767Tell me, O Octopus, I begs, 40768Is those things arms, or is they legs? 40769I marvel at thee, Octopus; 40770If I were thou, I'd call me us. 40771 -- Ogden Nash 40772% 40773Tell me what to think!!! 40774% 40775Tell me why the stars do shine, 40776Tell me why the ivy twines, 40777Tell me why the sky's so blue, 40778And I will tell you just why I love you. 40779 40780 Nuclear fusion makes stars to shine, 40781 Phototropism makes ivy twine, 40782 Rayleigh scattering makes sky so blue, 40783 Sexual hormones are why I love you. 40784% 40785Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally 40786promoting a falsehood, isn't it? 40787 -- A. Hope 40788% 40789Tempt me with a spoon! 40790% 40791Tempt not a desperate man. 40792 -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet" 40793% 40794Ten of the meanest cons in the state pen met in the corner of the yard to 40795shoot some craps. The stakes were enormous, the tension palpable. 40796 When his turn came to shoot, Dutsky nervously plunked down his 40797entire wad, shook the dice and rolled. A smile crossed his face as a seven 40798showed up, but it quickly changed to horror as a third die slipped out of 40799his sleeve and fell to the ground with the two others. No one said a word. 40800Finally, Killer Lucci picked up the third die, put it in his pocket and 40801handed the others to Dutsky. 40802 "Roll 'em," Lucci said. "Your point is thirteen." 40803% 40804Ten of the meanest cons in the state pen met in the corner of the yard to 40805shoot some craps. The stakes were enormous, the tension palpable. 40806 When his turn came to shoot, Dutsky nervously plunked down his 40807entire wad, shook the dice and rolled. A smile crossed his face as a 40808seven showed up, but it quickly changed to horror as third die slipped out 40809of his sleeve and fell to the ground with the two others. No one said a 40810word. Finally, Killer Lucci picked up the third die, put it in his pocket 40811and handed the others to Dutsky. 40812 "Roll 'em," Lucci said. "Your point is thirteen." 40813% 40814Ten persons who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent. 40815 -- Napoleon I 40816% 40817Ten years of rejection slips is nature's 40818way of telling you to stop writing. 40819 -- R. Geis 40820% 40821Terence, this is stupid stuff: 40822You eat your victuals fast enough; 40823There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear, 40824To see the rate you drink your beer. 40825But oh, good Lord, the verse you make, 40826It gives a chap the belly-ache. 40827The cow, the old cow, she is dead; 40828It sleeps well the horned head: 40829We poor lads, 'tis our turn now 40830To hear such tunes as killed the cow. 40831Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme 40832Your friends to death before their time. 40833Moping, melancholy mad: 40834Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad. 40835 -- A.E. Housman 40836% 40837Term, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave 40838school, and then work, work, work till we die. 40839 -- C.S. Lewis 40840% 40841Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a surprising 40842amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one hand considered 40843the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other hand were unwilling 40844to risk offending God's grandmother. 40845 -- Len Cool, "American Pie" 40846% 40847Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a pagan, 40848and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city until about 40849his 35th year, when he became a Christian. [...] To him is ascribed the 40850sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe because it is absurd). 40851This does not altogether accord with historical fact, for he merely said: 40852 "And the Son of God died, which is immediately credible because it 40853 is absurd. And buried he rose again, which is certain because it 40854 is impossible." 40855Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of 40856philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it. 40857 -- C.G. Jung, "Psychological Types" 40858 [Teruillian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church. Ed.] 40859% 40860Test for paraquat: 40861 Take amount of grass used in one joint, and wash in 5 cc's 40862 of water, agitating gently for 15 minutes. Strain out leaves, 40863 leaving a brownish-yellow solution. Add 100 mg each of sodium 40864 bicarbonate and sodium dithionite. If paraquat is present, 40865 the solution will turn blue-green. 40866% 40867Testing can show the presence of bugs, but not their absence. 40868 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 40869% 40870Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones. 40871% 40872TEUTONIC: 40873 Not enough gin. 40874% 40875TEX is potentially the most significant invention in typesetting in this 40876century. It introduces a standard language for computer typography, and in 40877terms of importance could rank near the introduction of the Gutenberg press. 40878 -- Gordon Bell 40879% 40880Texas A&M football coach Jackie Sherrill went to the office of the Dean 40881of Academics because he was concerned about his players' mental abilities. 40882"My players are just too stupid for me to deal with them", he told the 40883unbelieving dean. At this point, one of his players happened to enter 40884the dean's office. "Let me show you what I mean", said Sherrill, and he 40885told the player to run over to his office to see if he was in. "OK, Coach", 40886the player replied, and was off. "See what I mean?" Sherrill asked. 40887"Yeah", replied the dean. "He could have just picked up this phone and 40888called you from here." 40889% 40890Texas is Hell on woman and horses. 40891 -- Wayne Oakes 40892% 40893Thank God I've always avoided persecuting my enemies. 40894 -- Adolf Hitler 40895% 40896Thank you for observing all safety precautions. 40897% 40898That all men should be brothers is the dream of people who have no brothers. 40899 -- Charles Chincholles, "Pensees de tout le monde" 40900% 40901That does not compute. 40902% 40903That feeling just came over me. 40904 -- Albert DeSalvo, the "Boston Strangler" 40905% 40906That government is best which governs least. 40907 -- Henry David Thoreau, "Civil Disobedience" 40908% 40909That is the true season of love, when we believe that we alone can love, 40910that no one could have loved so before us, and that no one will love 40911in the same way as us. 40912 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 40913% 40914That money talks, 40915I'll not deny, 40916I heard it once, 40917It said "Good-bye. 40918 -- Richard Armour 40919% 40920That must be wonderful: I don't understand it at all. 40921 -- Moliere 40922% 40923That segment of the community with which one has the greatest 40924sympathy as a liberal, inevitably turns out to be one of the most 40925narrow-minded and bigoted segments of the community. 40926% 40927That that is is that that is not is not. 40928% 40929That, that is, is. 40930That, that is not, is not. 40931That, that is, is not that, that is not. 40932That, that is not, is not that, that is. 40933% 40934...that the notions of "hardware", and "software" should be extended by 40935the notion of LIVEWARE - being that which produces software for use on 40936hardware. This produces an obvious extension to the concept of MONITORS. 40937A liveware monitor is a person dedicated to the task of ensuring that the 40938liveware does not interfere with the real-time processes, invoking the 40939REAL-TIME EXECUTIONER to delete liveware that adversely affects ... 40940 -- Linden and Wihelminalaan 40941% 40942That which is not good for the swarm, neither is it good for the bee. 40943% 40944That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them. 40945 -- Dorothy Parker 40946% 40947That Xanthippe's husband should have become so great a philosopher is 40948remarkable. Amid all the scolding, to be able to think! But he could not 40949write: that was impossible. Socrates has not left us a single book. 40950 -- Heine 40951% 40952That's always the way when you discover 40953something new; everyone thinks you're crazy. 40954 -- Evelyn E. Smith 40955% 40956That's life. 40957 What's life? 40958A magazine. 40959 How much does it cost? 40960Two-fifty. 40961 I only have a dollar. 40962That's life. 40963% 40964That's life for you, said McDunn. Someone always waiting for someone 40965who never comes home. Always someone loving something more than that 40966thing loves them. And after awhile you want to destroy whatever that 40967thing is, so it can't hurt you no more. 40968 -- R. Bradbury, "The Fog Horn" 40969% 40970"That's no answer," Job said, "And for someone who's supposed to be 40971omnipotent, let me tell you 'tabernacle' has only one l." 40972 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 40973% 40974That's no moon... 40975 -- Obi-wan Kenobi 40976% 40977That's odd. That's very odd. 40978Wouldn't you say that's very odd? 40979% 40980That's one small step for a man; one giant leap for mankind. 40981 -- Neil Armstrong 40982% 40983That's the most fun I've had without laughing. 40984 -- Woody Allen, on sex 40985% 40986That's the thing about people who think they hate computers. What they 40987really hate is lousy programmers. 40988 -- Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle in "Oath of Fealty" 40989% 40990That's the true harbinger of spring, not crocuses or swallows 40991returning to Capistrano, but the sound of a bat on a ball. 40992 -- Bill Veeck 40993% 40994That's what she said. 40995% 40996That's where the money was. 40997 -- Willie Sutton, on being asked why he robbed a bank 40998 40999It's a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night. 41000 -- Willie Sutton 41001% 41002The White Rabbit put on his spectacles. 41003 "Where shall I begin, please your Majesty ?" he asked. 41004 "Begin at the beginning,", the King said, very gravely, 41005"and go on till you come to the end: then stop." 41006 -- Lewis Carroll 41007% 41008The 11 is for people with the pride of a 10 and the pocketbook of an 8. 41009 -- R.B. Greenberg 41010% 41011The 357.73 Theory -- 41012 Auditors always reject expense accounts 41013 with a bottom line divisible by 5. 41014% 41015The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy. 41016% 41017The 'A' is for content, the 'minus' is for not typing it. 41018Don't ever do this to my eyes again. 41019 -- Professor Ronald Brady, Philosophy, Ramapo State College 41020% 41021The Abrams' Principle: 41022 The shortest distance between two points is off the wall. 41023% 41024The absence of labels [in ECL] is probably a good thing. 41025 -- T. Cheatham 41026% 41027The absent ones are always at fault. 41028% 41029The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth. 41030 -- A. Camus 41031% 41032The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power. 41033 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 41034% 41035The adjective is the banana peel of the parts of speech. 41036 -- Clifton Fadiman 41037% 41038The adjuration to be "normal" seems shockingly repellent to me; I see neither 41039hope nor comfort in sinking to that low level. I think it is ignorance that 41040makes people think of abnormality only with horror and allows them to remain 41041undismayed at the proximity of "normal" to average and mediocre. For surely 41042anyone who achieves anything is, essentially, abnormal. 41043 -- Dr. Karl Menninger, "The Human Mind", 1930 41044% 41045The advantage of being celibate is that when one sees a pretty girl one 41046does not need to grieve over having an ugly one back home. 41047 -- Paul Leautaud, "Propos dun jour" 41048% 41049The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being but to remind him that 41050he is already degraded. 41051 -- George Orwell 41052% 41053The aim of science is to seek the simplest explanations of complex 41054facts. Seek simplicity and distrust it. 41055 -- Whitehead. 41056% 41057The alarm clock that is louder than God's own 41058belongs to the roommate with the earliest class. 41059% 41060The algorithm for finding the longest path in a graph is NP-complete. 41061For you systems people, that means it's *real slow*. 41062 -- Bart Miller 41063% 41064The all-softening overpowering knell, 41065The tocsin of the soul, -- the dinner bell. 41066 -- Lord Byron 41067% 41068The Almighty in His infinite wisdom did not see 41069fit to create Frenchmen in the image of Englishmen. 41070 -- Winston Churchill, 1942 41071% 41072The American Dental Association announced today that most plaque tends 41073to form on teeth around 4:00 PM in the afternoon. 41074 41075Film at 11:00. 41076% 41077The American nation in the sixth ward is a fine people; they love the 41078eagle -- on the back of a dollar. 41079 -- Finlay Peter Dunne 41080% 41081The American system of ours, call it Americanism, call it Capitalism, 41082call it what you like, gives each and every one of us a great 41083opportunity if we only seize it with both hands and make the most of it. 41084 -- Al Capone 41085% 41086The amount of time between slipping on the peel and landing on the 41087pavement is precisely 1 bananosecond. 41088% 41089The amount of weight an evangelist carries with the almighty is measured 41090in billigrahams. 41091% 41092The Analytical Engine weaves Algebraical patterns 41093just as the Jacquard loom weaves flowers and leaves. 41094 -- Ada Augusta, Countess of Lovelace, the first programmer 41095% 41096The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that consists 41097of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune of "Camptown 41098Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to listen to it, and, 41099even better, nobody has to play it. 41100 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 41101% 41102The Ancient Doctrine of Mind Over Matter: 41103 I don't mind... and you don't matter. 41104 41105 -- As revealed to reporter G. Rivera by Swami Havabanana 41106% 41107The Angels want to wear my red shoes. 41108 -- E. Costello 41109% 41110The anger of a woman is the greatest evil 41111with which you can threaten your enemies. 41112 -- Bonnard 41113% 41114The Anglo-Saxon conscience does not prevent the Anglo-Saxon from 41115sinning, it merely prevents him from enjoying his sin. 41116 --Salvador De Madariaga 41117% 41118The angry man always thinks he can do more than he can. 41119 -- Albertano of Brescia 41120% 41121The animals are not as stupid as one thinks -- they have neither 41122doctors nor lawyers. 41123 -- L. Docquier 41124% 41125The annual meeting of the "You Have To Listen To Experience" Club is now in 41126session. Our Achievement Awards this year are in the fields of publishing, 41127advertising and industry. For best consistent contribution in the field of 41128publishing our award goes to editor, R.L.K., [...] for his unrivalled alle- 41129giance without variation to the statement: "Personally I'd love to do it, 41130we'd ALL love to do it. But we're not going to do it. It's not the kind of 41131book our house knows how to handle." Our superior performance award in the 41132field of advertising goes to media executive, E.L.M., [...] for the continu- 41133ally creative use of the old favorite: "I think what you've got here could be 41134very exciting. Why not give it one more try based on the approach I've out- 41135lined and see if you can come up with something fresh." Our final award for 41136courageous holding action in the field of industry goes to supervisor, R.S., 41137[...] for her unyielding grip on "I don't care if they fire me, I've been 41138arguing for a new approach for YEARS but are we SURE that this is the right 41139time--" I would like to conclude this meeting with a verse written specially 41140for our prospectus by our founding president fifty years ago -- and now, as 41141then, fully expressive of the emotion most close to all our hearts -- 41142 Treat freshness as a youthful quirk, 41143 And dare not stray to ideas new, 41144 For if t'were tried they might e'en work 41145 And for a living what woulds't we do? 41146% 41147The answer to the question of Life, the Universe, and Everything is... 41148 41149 Four day work week, 41150 Two ply toilet paper! 41151% 41152The answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything was 41153released with the kind permission of the Amalgamated Union of Philosophers, 41154Sages, Luminaries, and Other Professional Thinking Persons. 41155% 41156The ark lands after The Flood. Noah lets all the animals out. Says he, "Go 41157and multiply." Several months pass. Noah decides to check up on the animals. 41158All are doing fine except a pair of snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah. 41159"Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes. Noah follows 41160their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again. 41161Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how 41162the trees helped?" "Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, and we need 41163logs to multiply." 41164% 41165The arms business is founded on human folly, that is why its depths will 41166never be plumbed and why it will go on forever. All weapons are defensive 41167and all spare parts are non-lethal. The plainest print cannot be read 41168through a solid gold sovereign, or a ruble or a golden eagle. 41169 -- Sam Cummings, American arms dealer 41170% 41171The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion. 41172Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed 41173and color, but also on ability. 41174 -- T. Lehrer 41175% 41176The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe. 41177 -- Bill Murray 41178% 41179The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use in 41180effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the 41181Declaration not for that, but for future use. 41182 -- Abraham Lincoln 41183% 41184The astronomer Francesco Sizi, a contemporary of Galileo, argues that 41185Jupiter can have no satellites: 41186 41187 There are seven windows in the head, two nostrils, two ears, two 41188eyes, and a mouth; so in the heavens there are two favorable stars, two 41189unpropitious, two luminaries, and Mercury alone undecided and indifferent. 41190From which and many other similar phenomena of nature such as the seven 41191metals, etc., which it were tedious to enumerate, we gather that the number 41192of planets is necessarily seven. [...] 41193 Moreover, the satellites are invisible to the naked eye and 41194therefore can have no influence on the earth and therefore would be useless 41195and therefore do not exist. 41196% 41197The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive. 41198% 41199The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she 41200knows that the average man can see much better than he can think. 41201 -- Ladies' Home Journal 41202% 41203The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in 41204the morning feeling just terrible. 41205 -- Jean Kerr 41206% 41207The average income of the modern teenager is about 2AM. 41208% 41209The average individual's position in any hierarchy is a lot like pulling 41210a dogsled -- there's no real change of scenery except for the lead dog. 41211% 41212The average nutritional value of promises is roughly zero. 41213% 41214The average Ph.D thesis is nothing but the transference of bones from 41215one graveyard to another. 41216 -- J. Frank Dobie, "A Texan in England" 41217% 41218The average woman must inevitably view her actual husband with a certain 41219disdain; he is anything but her ideal. In consequence, she cannot help 41220feeling that her children are cruelly handicapped by the fact that he is 41221their father. 41222 -- Mencken 41223% 41224The avocation of assessing the failures of better men can be turned 41225into a comfortable livelihood, providing you back it up with a Ph.D. 41226 -- Nelson Algren, "Writers at Work" 41227% 41228The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that 41229carries any reward. 41230 -- John Maynard Keynes 41231% 41232The bank called to tell me that I'm overdrawn, 41233Some freaks are burning crosses out on my front lawn, 41234And I *can't*believe* it, all the Cheetos are gone, 41235 It's just ONE OF THOSE DAYS! 41236 -- Weird Al Yankovic, "One of Those Days" 41237% 41238The bank sent our statement this morning, 41239The red ink was a sight of great awe! 41240Their figures and mine might have balanced, 41241But my wife was too quick on the draw. 41242% 41243The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than cities. 41244Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and difficult to 41245park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots, which are also 41246dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but -- here is the big 41247difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO RULES. You're allowed to 41248do anything. You can drive as fast as you want in any direction you want. 41249I was once driving in a mall parking lot when my car was struck by a pickup 41250truck being driven backward by a squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" 41251on his forearm, who got out and explained to me, in great detail, why the 41252accident was my fault, his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, 41253whereas I was neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall 41254parking lots. 41255 -- Dave Barry 41256% 41257The bay-trees in our country are all wither'd 41258And meteors fright the fixed stars of heaven; 41259The pale-faced moon looks bloody on the earth 41260And lean-look'd prophets whisper fearful change. 41261These signs forerun the death or fall of kings. 41262 -- Wm. Shakespeare, "Richard II" 41263% 41264THE BEATLES: 41265 Paul McCartney's old back-up band. 41266% 41267The beauty of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder. 41268% 41269The beer-cooled computer does not harm the ozone layer. 41270 -- John M. Ford, a.k.a. Dr. Mike 41271 41272 [If I can read my notes from the Ask Dr. Mike session at Baycon, I 41273 believe he added that the beer-cooled computer uses "Forget Only 41274 Memory". Ed.] 41275% 41276The best audience is intelligent, well-educated and a little drunk. 41277 -- Maurice Baring 41278% 41279The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland"; 41280but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman. 41281% 41282The best case: Get salary from America, build a house in England, 41283 live with a Japanese wife, and eat Chinese food. 41284Pretty good case: Get salary from England, build a house in America, 41285 live with a Chinese wife, and eat Japanese food. 41286The worst case: Get salary from China, build a house in Japan, 41287 live with a British wife, and eat American food. 41288 41289 --Bungei Shunju, a popular Japanese magazine 41290% 41291The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. 41292 -- W.C. Fields 41293% 41294The best defense against logic is ignorance. 41295% 41296The best definition of a gentleman is a man who can play the accordion -- 41297but doesn't. 41298 -- Tom Crichton 41299% 41300The best diplomat I know is a fully activated phaser bank. 41301 -- Scotty 41302% 41303The best equipment for your work is, of course, the most expensive. 41304However, your neighbor is always wasting money that should be yours 41305by judging things by their price. 41306% 41307The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do 41308what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with 41309them while they do it. 41310 -- Theodore Roosevelt 41311% 41312The best laid plans of mice and men are held up in the legal department. 41313% 41314The best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal. 41315 -- Blair 41316% 41317The best man for the job is often a woman. 41318% 41319The best number for a dinner party is two -- myself and a damn good 41320head waiter. 41321 -- Nubar Gulbenkian 41322% 41323The best portion of a good man's life, his little, 41324nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love. 41325 -- Wordsworth 41326% 41327The best prophet of the future is the past. 41328% 41329The best rebuttal to this kind of statistical argument came from the 41330redoubtable John W. Campbell: 41331 41332 The laws of population growth tell us that approximately half the 41333 people who were ever born in the history of the world are now 41334 dead. There is therefore a 0.5 probability that this message is 41335 being read by a corpse. 41336% 41337The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and 41338fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are 41339drifting side by side to our common doom. 41340 -- Clarence Darrow 41341% 41342The best thing about being bald is, that, when unexpected 41343company arrives, all you have to do is straighten your tie. 41344% 41345The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time. 41346% 41347The best thing that comes out of Iowa is I-80. 41348% 41349The best things in life are for a fee. 41350% 41351The best things in life go on sale sooner or later. 41352% 41353The best way to accelerate a Macintoy is at 9.8 meters per second, squared. 41354% 41355The best way to avoid responsibility is to say, "I've got responsibilities." 41356% 41357The best way to get rid of worries is to let them die of neglect. 41358% 41359The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away. 41360% 41361The best way to preserve a right is to exercise it, and the right to 41362smoke is a right worth dying for. 41363% 41364The best ways are the most straightforward ways. When you're sitting around 41365scamming these things out, all kinds of James Bondian ideas come forth, but 41366when it gets down to the reality of it, the simplest and most straightforward 41367way is usually the best, and the way that attracts the least attention. 41368Also, pouring gasoline on the water and lighting it like James Bond doesn't 41369work either.... They tried it during Prohibition. 41370 -- Thomas King Forcade, marijuana smuggler 41371% 41372The best you get is an even break. 41373 -- Franklin Adams 41374% 41375The better part of valor is discretion. 41376 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" 41377% 41378The better the state is established, the fainter is humanity. 41379To make the individual uncomfortable, that is my task. 41380 -- Nietzsche 41381% 41382The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments 41383to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. 41384It's just that they need more supervision. 41385% 41386The Bible is not my Book and Christianity is not my religion. I could 41387never give assent to the long complicated statements of Christian dogma. 41388 -- Abraham Lincoln 41389% 41390The Bible on letters of reference: 41391 41392 Are we beginning all over again to produce our credentials? Do 41393we, like some people, need letters of introduction to you, or from you? 41394No, you are all the letter we need, a letter written on your heart; any 41395man can see it for what it is and read it for himself. 41396 -- 2 Corinthians 3:1-2, New English translation 41397% 41398The big cities of America are becoming Third World countries. 41399 -- Nora Ephron 41400% 41401The big mistake that men make is that when they turn thirteen or fourteen 41402and all of a sudden they've reached puberty, they believe that they like 41403women. Actually, you're just horny. It doesn't mean you like women any 41404more at twenty-one than you did at ten. 41405 -- Jules Feiffer 41406% 41407The big question is why in the course of evolution the males permitted 41408themselves to be so totally eclipsed by the females. Why do they tolerate 41409this total subservience, this wretched existence as outcasts who are 41410hungry all the time? 41411% 41412The bigger they are, the harder they hit. 41413% 41414The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse time. 41415 -- Merrick Furst 41416% 41417The biggest mistake you can make is to believe that you are 41418working for someone else. 41419% 41420The biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has 41421occurred. 41422% 41423The Bird of Time has but a little way to fly ... 41424and the bird is on the wing. 41425 -- Omar Khayyam 41426% 41427The black bear used to be one of the most commonly seen large animals 41428because in Yosemite and Sequoia national parks they lived off of garbage 41429and tourist handouts. This bear has learned to open car doors in 41430Yosemite, where damage to automobiles caused by bears runs into the tens 41431of thousands of dollars a year. Campaigns to bearproof all garbage 41432containers in wild areas have been difficult, because as one biologist 41433put it, "There is a considerable overlap between the intelligence levels 41434of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists." 41435% 41436The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch. 41437% 41438The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives. 41439 -- Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb Project 41440% 41441The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first 41442half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and 41443pleasant, the second half still balmy and quite pleasant for those who 41444hadn't heard the scream at all, but not calm or balmy or even very nice 41445for those who did hear the scream, discounting the little period of time 41446during the actual scream itself when your ears might have been hearing it 41447but your brain wasn't reacting yet to let you know. 41448 -- Winning sentence, 1986 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. 41449% 41450The boy stood on the burning deck, 41451Eating peanuts by the peck. 41452His father called him, but he could not go, 41453For he loved those peanuts so. 41454% 41455The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment 41456you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to work. 41457% 41458The Briggs - Chase Law of Program Development: 41459 To determine how long it will take to write and debug a 41460 program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add 41461 one, and convert to the next higher units. 41462% 41463The British are coming! The British are coming! 41464% 41465The broad mass of a nation... will more easily 41466fall victim to a big lie than to a small one. 41467 -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf" 41468% 41469The brotherhood of man is not a mere poet's dream; it is a most depressing 41470and humiliating reality. 41471 -- Oscar Wilde 41472% 41473The Buddha, the Godhead, resides quite as comfortably in the circuits of a 41474digital computer or the gears of a cycle transmission as he does at the top 41475of a mountain or in the petals of a flower. To think otherwise is to demean 41476the Buddha -- which is to demean oneself. 41477 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" 41478% 41479The bugs you have to avoid are the ones that give the user not only 41480the inclination to get on a plane, but also the time. 41481 -- Kay Bostic 41482% 41483The Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest is held ever year at San Jose State 41484Univ. by Professor Scott Rice. It is held in memory of Edward George 41485Earle Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873), a rather prolific and popular (in his 41486time) novelist. He is best known today for having written "The Last 41487Days of Pompeii." 41488 41489Whenever Snoopy starts typing his novel from the top of his doghouse, 41490beginning "It was a dark and stormy night..." he is borrowing from Lord 41491Bulwer-Lytton. This was the line that opened his novel, "Paul Clifford," 41492written in 1830. The full line reveals why it is so bad: 41493 41494 It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents -- except 41495 at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of 41496 wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene 41497 lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty 41498 flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness. 41499% 41500The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better 41501people, and don't come in clearly enough. 41502 -- Bill Maher 41503% 41504The camel died quite suddenly on the second day, and Selena fretted 41505sullenly and, buffing her already impeccable nails -- not for the first 41506time since the journey begain -- pondered snidely if this would dissolve 41507into a vignette of minor inconveniences like all the other holidays spent 41508with Basil. 41509 -- Winning sentence, 1983 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. 41510% 41511The carbonyl is polarized, 41512The delta end is plus. 41513The nucleophile will thus attack, 41514The carbon nucleus. 41515Addition makes an alcohol, 41516Of types there are but three. 41517It makes a bond, to correspond, 41518From C to shining C. 41519 -- Prof. Frank Westheimer, to "America the Beautiful" 41520% 41521The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used. 41522 -- Herbert von Fritzlar 41523% 41524The Celts invented two things, Whiskey and self-distruction. 41525% 41526The chains of marriage are so heavy that it takes two to carry them, and 41527sometimes three. 41528 -- Alexandre Dumas 41529% 41530The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up 41531at the steam fitters picnic. 41532% 41533The chief cause of problems is solutions. 41534 -- Eric Sevareid 41535% 41536The chief enemy of creativity is "good" sense 41537 -- Picasso 41538% 41539The church is near but the road is icy, 41540the bar is far away but I will walk carefully. 41541 -- Russian Proverb 41542% 41543The church saves sinners, but science seeks to stop their manufacture. 41544 -- Elbert Hubbard 41545% 41546The City of Palo Alto, in its official description of parking lot standards, 41547specifies the grade of wheelchair access ramps in terms of centimeters of 41548rise per foot of run. A compromise, I imagine... 41549% 41550The clash of ideas is the sound of freedom. 41551% 41552The clearest way into the Universe is through a forest wilderness. 41553 -- John Muir 41554% 41555The clergy successfully preached the doctrines of patience and pusillanimity; 41556the active virtues of society were discouraged; and the last remains of a 41557military spirit were buried in the cloister: a large portion of public and 41558private wealth was consecrated to the specious demands of charity and devotion; 41559and the soldiers' pay was lavished on the useless multitudes of both sexes 41560who could only plead the merits of abstinence and chastity. 41561 -- Edward Gibbons, "The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire" 41562% 41563The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere. 41564% 41565The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when they fill out a 41566job application. 41567% 41568The closest to perfection a person ever comes 41569is when he fills out a job application form. 41570 -- Stanley J. Randall 41571% 41572The clothes have no emperor. 41573 -- C.A.R. Hoare, commenting on ADA. 41574% 41575The coast was clear. 41576 -- Lope de Vega 41577% 41578The college graduate is presented with a sheepskin to cover his 41579intellectual nakedness. 41580 -- Robert M. Hutchins 41581% 41582The Commandments of the EE: 41583 415841: Beware of lightning that lurketh in an uncharged condenser 41585 lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most 41586 embarrassing manner. 415872: Cause thou the switch that supplieth large quantities of juice to 41588 be opened and thusly tagged, that thy days may be long in this 41589 earthly vale of tears. 415903: Prove to thyself that all circuits that radiateth, and upon 41591 which the worketh, are grounded and thusly tagged lest they lift 41592 thee to a radio frequency potential and causeth thee to make like 41593 a radiator too. 415944: Tarry thou not amongst these fools that engage in intentional 41595 shocks for they are not long for this world and are surely 41596 unbelievers. 41597% 41598The Commandments of the EE: 41599 416005: Take care that thou useth the proper method when thou takest the 41601 measures of high-voltage circuits too, that thou dost not incinerate 41602 both thee and thy test meter, for verily, though thou has no company 41603 property number and can be easily surveyed, the test meter has 41604 one and, as a consequence, bringeth much woe unto a purchasing agent. 416056: Take care that thou tamperest not with interlocks and safety devices, 41606 for this incurreth the wrath of the chief electrician and bring 41607 the fury of the engineers on his head. 416087: Work thou not on energized equipment for if thou doest so, thy 41609 friends will surely be buying beers for thy widow and consoling 41610 her in certain ways not generally acceptable to thee. 416118: Verily, verily I say unto thee, never service equipment alone, 41612 for electrical cooking is a slow process and thou might sizzle in 41613 thy own fat upon a hot circuit for hours on end before thy maker 41614 sees fit to end thy misery and drag thee into his fold. 41615% 41616The Commandments of the EE: 41617 416189: Trifle thee not with radioactive tubes and substances lest thou 41619 commence to glow in the dark like a lightning bug, and thy wife be 41620 frustrated and have not further use for thee except for thy wages. 4162110: Commit thou to memory all the words of the prophets which are 41622 written down in thy Bible which is the National Electrical Code, 41623 and giveth out with the straight dope and consoleth thee when 41624 thou hast suffered a ream job by the chief electrician. 4162511: When thou muckest about with a device in an unthinking and/or 41626 unknowing manner, thou shalt keep one hand in thy pocket. Better 41627 that thou shouldest keep both hands in thy pockets than 41628 experimentally determine the electrical potential of an 41629 innocent-seeming device. 41630% 41631The common cormorant, or shag, lays eggs inside a paper bag. 41632% 41633The computer industry is journalists in their 20's standing in awe of 41634entrepreneurs in their 30's who are hiring salesmen in their 40's and 4163550's and paying them in the 60's and 70's to bring their marketing into 41636the 80's. 41637 -- Marty Winston 41638% 41639The computer is to the information industry roughly what the 41640central power station is to the electrical industry. 41641 -- Peter Drucker 41642% 41643The computing field is always in need of new cliches. 41644 -- Alan Perlis 41645% 41646The concept seems to be clear by now. It has been 41647defined several times by examples of what it is not. 41648% 41649The connection between the language in which we think/program and the problems 41650and solutions we can imagine is very close. For this reason restricting 41651language features with the intent of eliminating programmer errors is at best 41652dangerous. 41653 -- Bjarne Stroustrup 41654% 41655The Constitution may not be perfect, but it's a lot better 41656than what we've got! 41657% 41658The control of the production of wealth 41659is the control of human life itself. 41660 -- Hilaire Belloc 41661% 41662The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is 41663none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but." 41664Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period. 41665Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get 41666you talked about. 41667 -- Lazarus Long 41668% 41669The cost of feathers has risen, even down is up! 41670% 41671The cost of living has just gone up another dollar a quart. 41672 -- W.C. Fields 41673% 41674The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. 41675% 41676The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down. 41677% 41678The countdown had stalled at 'T' minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first 41679female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick, 41680rubbery lips unmistakably -- the first of many such advances during what 41681would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my 41682career. 41683 -- Winning sentence, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. 41684% 41685The course of true anything never does run smooth. 41686 -- Samuel Butler 41687% 41688The courtroom was pregnant (pun intended) with anxious silence as the 41689judge solemnly considered his verdict in the paternity suit before him. 41690Suddenly, he reached into the folds of his robes, drew out a cigar and 41691ceremoniously handed it to the defendant. 41692 "Congratulations!" declaimed the jurist. "You have just become a 41693father!" 41694% 41695The covers of this book are too far apart. 41696 -- Book review by Ambrose Bierce. 41697% 41698The cow is nothing but a machine which makes grass fit for us people to eat. 41699 -- John McNulty 41700% 41701The Crown is full of it! 41702 -- Nate Harris, 1775 41703% 41704The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should therefore 41705be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be 41706propagated. If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to declare war 41707and they are screened at once from scrutiny. ... In war, then, as in peace, 41708assert the freedom of speech and of the press. Cling to this as the bulwark 41709of all our rights and privileges. 41710 -- William Ellery Channing 41711 41712% 41713The curse of the Irish is not that they don't know the 41714words to a song -- it's that they know them *all*. 41715 -- Susan Dooley 41716% 41717The "cutting edge" is getting rather dull. 41718 -- Andy Purshottam 41719% 41720The Czechs announced after Sputnik that they, too, would launch 41721a satellite. Of course, it would orbit Sputnik, not Earth! 41722% 41723The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern. 41724Every class is unfit to govern. 41725 -- Lord Acton 41726% 41727The dangerous Lego Bomb, which targets shag rugs and scatters pieces of 41728plastic that hurt like hell when you step on them is banned entirely.... 41729Hiring David Copperfield to pretend to saw the missiles in half will not 41730be permitted... In order to reduce risk of accidental war, both sides 41731agree to ban the popular but dangerous 'Simon Says' training drill at 41732nuclear launch sites... Under no circumstances will either side reveal 41733that it hammered out the treaty in one afternoon, but spent the last nine 41734years arguing the Monty Hall and the three doors problem. 41735 -- Little known provisions of the START treaty by James Lileks 41736% 41737The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning, 41738and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished. 41739 -- H.D. Thoreau 41740% 41741The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being 41742as his Father, in the womb of a virgin will be classified with the fable of 41743the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter. But we may hope that the 41744dawn of reason and freedom of thought in these United States will do away with 41745this artificial scaffolding and restore to us the primitive and genuine 41746doctrines of this most venerated Reformer of human errors. 41747 -- Thomas Jefferson 41748% 41749The days are all empty and the nights are unreal. 41750% 41751The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction 41752to a tedious book. 41753% 41754The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of us 41755who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching Charlie 41756Chaplin trying to cook a shoe. 41757% 41758The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary? 41759% 41760The decision doesn't have to be logical; it was unanimous. 41761% 41762The default Magic Word, "Abracadabra", actually is a corruption of the 41763Hebrew phrase "ha-Bracha dab'ra" which means "pronounce the blessing". 41764% 41765The degree of civilization in a society 41766can be judged by entering its prisons. 41767 -- F. Dostoyevski 41768% 41769The degree of technical confidence is inversely 41770proportional to the level of management. 41771% 41772The denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the hygiene of older 41773people, and greatly assists in the circulation of the blood. 41774 -- Logan Pearsall Smith 41775% 41776The departing division general manager met a last time with his young 41777successor and gave him three envelopes. "My predecessor did this for me, 41778and I'll pass the tradition along to you," he said. "At the first sign 41779of trouble, open the first envelope. Any further difficulties, open the 41780second envelope. Then, if problems continue, open the third envelope. 41781Good luck." The new manager returned to his office and tossed the envelopes 41782into a drawer. 41783 Six months later, costs soared and earnings plummeted. Shaken, the 41784young man opened the first envelope, which said, "Blame it all on me." 41785 The next day, he held a press conference and did just that. The 41786crisis passed. 41787 Six months later, sales dropped precipitously. The beleagured 41788manager opened the second envelope. It said, "Reorganize." 41789 He held another press conference, announcing that the division 41790would be restructured. The crisis passed. 41791 A year later, everything went wrong at once and the manager was 41792blamed for all of it. The harried executive closed his office door, sank 41793into his chair, and opened the third envelope. 41794 "Prepare three envelopes..." it said. 41795% 41796The descent to Hades is the same from every place. 41797 -- Anaxagoras 41798% 41799The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose. 41800 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" 41801% 41802The devil finds work for idle circuits to do. 41803% 41804The devil finds work for idle glands. 41805% 41806The die is cast. 41807 -- Gaius Julius Caesar 41808% 41809The difference between a career and a job is about 20 hours a week. 41810% 41811The difference between a good haircut and a bad one is seven days. 41812% 41813The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is 41814exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal. 41815 -- Mark Twain 41816% 41817The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell into 41818the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, 41819it would be a calamity. 41820 -- Benjamin Disraeli 41821% 41822The difference between America and England is, the English think 100 41823miles is a long distance and the Americans think 100 years is a long time. 41824% 41825The difference between art and science is that science is what we 41826understand well enough to explain to a computer. Art is everything else. 41827 -- Donald Knuth, "Discover" 41828% 41829The difference between common-sense and paranoia is that common-sense is 41830thinking everyone is out to get you. That's normal -- they are. Paranoia 41831is thinking that they're conspiring. 41832 -- J. Kegler 41833% 41834The difference between dogs and cats is that dogs come when they're 41835called. Cats take a message and get back to you. 41836% 41837The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits. 41838% 41839The difference between legal separation and divorce is 41840that legal separation gives the man time to hide his money. 41841% 41842The difference between reality and unreality 41843is that reality has so little to recommend it. 41844 -- Allan Sherman 41845% 41846The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science 41847requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship. 41848 -- Robert Heinlein 41849% 41850The difference between sentiment and being sentimental is the following: 41851Sentiment is when a driver swerves out of the way to avoid hitting a 41852rabbit on the road. Being sentimental is when the same driver, when 41853swerving away from the rabbit hits a pedestrian. 41854 -- Frank Herbert, "The White Plague" 41855% 41856The difference between sentiment and sentimentality is easy to see. When 41857you avoid killing somebody's pet on the glazeway, that's sentiment. If you 41858swerve to avoid the pet and that causes you to kill pedestrians, THAT is 41859sentimentality. 41860 -- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune" 41861% 41862The difference between the right word and the almost right word 41863is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug. 41864 -- Mark Twain 41865% 41866The difference between this place and yogurt 41867is that yogurt has a live culture. 41868% 41869The difference between us is not very far, 41870cruising for burgers in daddy's new car. 41871% 41872The difference between waltzes and disco is mostly one of volume. 41873 -- T.K. 41874% 41875The difficult we do today; the impossible takes a little longer. 41876% 41877The dirty work at political conventions is almost always done in 41878the grim hours between midnight and dawn. Hangmen and politicians 41879work best when the human spirit is at its lowest ebb. 41880 -- Russell Baker 41881% 41882The discerning person is always at a disadvantage. 41883% 41884The disks are getting full; purge a file today. 41885% 41886The distinction between Freedom and Liberty is not accurately known; 41887naturalists have been unable to find a living specimen of either. 41888 -- Ambrose Bierce 41889% 41890The distinction between true and false appears to become 41891increasingly blurred by... the pollution of the language. 41892 -- Arne Tiselius 41893% 41894The divinity of Jesus is made a convenient cover for absurdity. Nowhere in 41895the Gospels do we find a precept for Creeds, Confessions, Oaths, Doctrines, 41896and whole carloads of other foolish trumpery that we find in Christianity. 41897 -- John Adams 41898% 41899The door is the key. 41900% 41901The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show off 41902this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his next 41903hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the duck fell, 41904the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the duck and returned 41905it to his master. 41906 "Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly. 41907 "Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't swim." 41908% 41909The duration of passion is proportionate with the original resistance 41910of the woman. 41911 -- Honore de Balzac 41912% 41913The eagle may soar, but the weasel never gets sucked into a jet engine. 41914% 41915The early bird gets the coffee left over from the night before. 41916% 41917The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late 41918and owns the worm farm. 41919 -- Travis McGee 41920% 41921The early worm gets the bird. 41922% 41923The early worm gets the late bird. 41924% 41925The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier. 41926% 41927"The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly 41928teaches me to suspect that my own is also." 41929 41930"I would not interfere with any one's religion, either to strengthen it 41931or to weaken it. I am not able to believe one's religion can affect his 41932hereafter one way or the other, no matter what that religion may be. 41933But it may easily be a great comfort to him in this life -- hence it is a 41934valuable possession to him." 41935 41936"I do not see how eternal punishment hereafter could accomplish any good 41937end, therefore I am not able to believe in it. To chasten a man in order 41938to perfect him might be reasonable enough; to annihilate him when he shall 41939have proved himself incapable of reaching perfection mught be reasonable 41940enough; but to roast him forever for the mere satisfaction of seeing him 41941roast would not be reasonable -- even the atrocious God imagined by the Jews 41942would tire of the spectacle eventually." 41943 -- Mark Twain 41944% 41945The egg cream is psychologically the opposite of circumcision -- it 41946*pleasurably* reaffirms your Jewishness. 41947 -- Mel Brooks 41948% 41949The elder gods went to Yuggoth, and all you got was this lousy fortune. 41950% 41951The Encyclopaedia Galactica defines a robot as a mechanical apparatus designed 41952to do the work of a man. The marketing division of Sirius Cybernetics 41953Corporation defines a robot as 'Your Plastic Pal Who's Fun To Be With'. 41954The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy defines the marketing division of the 41955Sirius Cybernetics Corporation as 'a bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the 41956first against the wall when the revolution comes', with a footnote to effect 41957that the editors would welcome applications from anyone interested in taking 41958over the post of robotics correspondent. 41959 Curiously enough, an edition of the Encyclopaedia Galactica that 41960had the good fortune to fall through a time warp from a thousand years in 41961the future defined the marketing division of the Sirius Cybernetics 41962Corporation as 'a bunch of mindless jerks who were the first against the 41963wall when the revolution came'. 41964% 41965The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun. 41966 -- Buckminster Fuller 41967% 41968The end of labor is to gain leisure. 41969% 41970The end of the world will occur at three p.m., this Friday, 41971with symposium to follow. 41972% 41973The ends justify the means. 41974 -- after Matthew Prior 41975% 41976The energy produced by the breaking down of the atom is a very poor kind 41977of thing. Anyone who expects a source of power from the transformation 41978of these atoms is talking moonshine. 41979 -- Ernest Rutherford, after he had split the atom for 41980 the first time 41981% 41982The English country gentleman galloping after a fox -- the unspeakable 41983in full pursuit of the uneatable. 41984 -- Oscar Wilde, "A Woman of No Importance" 41985% 41986The English have no respect for their language, 41987and will not teach their children to speak it. 41988 -- G.B. Shaw 41989% 41990The English instinctively admire any man 41991who has no talent and is modest about it. 41992 -- James Agate, British film and drama critic 41993% 41994The entire work force of the Communist countries is sunjected to periodic 41995purges (called verifications in Newspeak). One of the most severe took 41996place in 1957 when Novotny, rattled by the Hungarian Revolution the year 41997before, tried hard to weed out "radishes" (red outside, white inside) from 41998all but insignificant positions. Any one of the following would often 41999result in the loss of one's job: Bourgeois or Jewish family background, 42000relatives abroad, contacts with former capitalists, having lived in a 42001Western country, insufficient knowledge of Communist literature, and others. 42002 42003 A man is interviewed by a "Verification Committee." 42004 "What kind of family do you come from?" 42005 "A rich, Jewish family." 42006 "And your wife?" 42007 "A German aristocrat." 42008 "Have you ever been to the West?" 42009 "I spent most of my life in England." 42010 "How did you make a living there?" 42011 "A friend supported me." 42012 "Where did you get the money from?" 42013 "He owned a textile factory." 42014 "Who was Lenin?" 42015 "Never heard of him." 42016 "What is your name?" 42017 "Karl Marx." 42018% 42019[The ERA] encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, 42020practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians. 42021 -- Pat Robertson, Man of God and serious Republican 42022 presidential aspirant. 42023% 42024The error of youth is to believe that intelligence is a substitute 42025for experience, while the error of age is to believe experience is 42026a substitute for intelligence. 42027 -- Lyman Bryson 42028% 42029The eternal feminine draws us upward. 42030 -- Goethe 42031% 42032The executioner is, I hear, very expert, and my neck is very slender. 42033 -- Anne Boleyn 42034% 42035The explanation requiring the fewest assumptions 42036is the most likely to be correct. 42037 -- William of Occam 42038% 42039The eye is a menace to clear sight, the ear is a menace to subtle hearing, 42040the mind is a menace to wisdom, every organ of the senses is a menace to its 42041own capacity. ... Fuss, the god of the Southern Ocean, and Fret, the god 42042of the Northern Ocean, happened once to meet in the realm of Chaos, the god 42043of the center. Chaos treated them very handsomely and they discussed together 42044what they could do to repay his kindness. They had noticed that, whereas 42045everyone else had seven apertures, for sight, hearing, eating, breathing and 42046so on, Chaos had none. So they decided to make the experiment of boring holes 42047in him. Every day they bored a hole, and on the seventh day, Chaos died. 42048 -- Chuang Tzu 42049% 42050The eyes of taxes are upon you. 42051% 42052The eyes of Texas are upon you, 42053All the livelong day; 42054The eyes of Texas are upon you, 42055You cannot get away; 42056Do not think you can escape them 42057From night 'til early in the morn; 42058The eyes of Texas are upon you 42059'Til Gabriel blows his horn. 42060 -- University of Texas' school song 42061% 42062The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence that it is not 42063utterly absurd; indeed, in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind, 42064a widespread belief is more often likely to be foolish than sensible. 42065 -- Bertrand Russell, in "Marriage and Morals", 1929 42066% 42067The fact that Hitler was a political genius unmasks the nature of politics 42068in general as no other can. 42069 -- Wilhelm Reich 42070% 42071The fact that it works is immaterial. 42072 -- L. Ogborn 42073% 42074The fact that people are poor or discriminated against doesn't necessarily 42075endow them with any special qualities of justice, nobility, charity or 42076compassion. 42077 -- Saul Alinsky 42078% 42079The famous politician was trying to save both his faces. 42080% 42081The farther you go, the less you know. 42082 -- Lao Tsu, "Tao Te Ching" 42083% 42084The fashion wears out more apparel than the man. 42085 -- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing" 42086% 42087The fashionable drawing rooms of London have always been happy to accept 42088outsiders -- if only on their own, albeit undemanding terms. That is to 42089say, artists, so long as they are not too talented, men of humble birth, 42090so long as they have since amassed several million pounds, and socialists 42091so long as they are Tories. 42092 -- Christopher Booker 42093% 42094The faster I go, the behinder I get. 42095 -- Lewis Carroll 42096% 42097The Fastest Defeat In Chess 42098 The big name for us in the world of chess is Gibaud, a French chess 42099master. 42100 In Paris during 1924 he was beaten after only four moves by a 42101Monsieur Lazard. Happily for posterity, the moves are recorded and so 42102chess enthusiasts may reconstruct this magnificent collapse in the comfort 42103of their own homes. 42104 Lazard was black and Gibaud white: 42105 1: P-Q4, Kt-KB3 42106 2: Kt-Q2, P-K4 42107 3: PxP, Kt-Kt5 42108 4: P-K6, Kt-K6/ 42109 White then resigns on realizing that a fifth move would involve 42110either a Q-KR5 check or the loss of his queen. 42111 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 42112% 42113The father, passing through his son's college town late one evening on a 42114business trip, thought he would pay his boy a surprise visit. Arriving at the 42115lad's fraternity house, dad rapped loudly on the door. After several minutes 42116of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second-floor window, 42117 "Whaddaya want?" 42118 "Does Ramsey Duncan live here?" asked the father. 42119 "Yeah," replied the voice. "Dump him on the front porch." 42120% 42121The feeling persists that no one can simultaneously be a respectable writer 42122and understand how a refrigerator works, just as no gentleman wears a brown 42123suit in the city. Colleges may be to blame. English majors are encouraged, 42124I know, to hate chemistry and physics, and to be proud because they are not 42125dull and creepy and humorless and war-oriented like the engineers across the 42126quad. And our most impressive critics have commonly been such English majors, 42127and they are squeamish about technology to this very day. So it is natural 42128for them to despise science fiction. 42129 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Science Fiction" 42130% 42131The fellow sat down at a bar, ordered a drink and asked the bartender if he 42132wanted to hear a dumb-jock joke. 42133 "Hey, buddy," the bartender replied, "you see those two guys next to 42134you? They used to be with the Chicago Bears. The two dudes behind you made 42135the U.S. Olympic wrestling team. And for you information, I used to play 42136center at Notre Dame." 42137 "Forget it," the customer said. "I don't want to explain it five 42138times." 42139% 42140"The feminist agenda," Pat Robertson observed in a recent letter to his 42141supporters, "is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, 42142anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their 42143husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism 42144and become lesbians." 42145% 42146The Fifth Rule: 42147 You have taken yourself too seriously. 42148% 42149The final delusion is the belief that one has lost all delusions. 42150 -- Maurice Chapelain, "Main courante" 42151% 42152The finest eloquence is that which gets things done. 42153% 42154The first and almost the only Book deserving of universal attention is 42155the Bible. 42156 -- John Quincy Adams 42157 42158All the good from the Saviour of the world is communicated through this Book; 42159but for the Book we could not know right from wrong. All the things desirable 42160to man are contained in it. 42161 -- Abraham Lincoln 42162 42163... the Bible ... is the one supreme source of revelation of the meaning of 42164life, the nature of God and spiritual nature and need of men. It is the only 42165guide of life which really leads the spirit in the way of peace and salvation. 42166 -- Woodrow Wilson 42167% 42168The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it. 42169 -- Abbie Hoffman 42170% 42171The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King 42172Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a tragic 42173death. He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad forks. 42174Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously fled the city, 42175complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of threatening notes left on his 42176breakfast tray. At the time, this looked suspicious what with his father's 42177death, and Carotene was suspected of foul play. Then the rest of the King's 42178relatives began to drop dead one after the other in an odd fashion. Some 42179were found strangled with dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning. A 42180few were found drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants 42181unknown and beaten to death with a pot roast. At least three appear to have 42182thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture of 42183grief over the King's untimely end. Finally there was no one left in Minas 42184Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed crown, and 42185the rule of Twodor was up for grabs. The scullery slave Parrafin bravely 42186accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when a lineal descendant 42187of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful throne, conquer Twodor's 42188enemies, and revamp the postal system. 42189 -- Bored of the Rings, "Harvard Lampoon" 42190% 42191The first guy that rats gets a bellyful of slugs in the head. Understand? 42192 -- Joey Glimco, trade unionist 42193% 42194The first guy that rats gets a belly-full of slugs in the head. 42195Understand? 42196 -- Joey Glimco 42197% 42198The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half 42199by our children. 42200 -- Clarence Darrow 42201% 42202The first marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence, 42203and the second the triumph of hope over experience. 42204% 42205The first myth of management is that it exists. 42206% 42207The first requisite for immortality is death. 42208 -- Stanislaw Lem 42209% 42210The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish child, 42211was propounded to me by my father: 42212 42213 "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and whistles?" 42214I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity gave up. 42215 "A herring," said my father. 42216 "A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!" 42217 "So hang it there." 42218 "But a herring isn't green!" I protested. 42219 "Paint it." 42220 "But a herring isn't wet." 42221 "If it's just painted it's still wet." 42222 "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, 42223 "a herring doesn't whistle!!" 42224 "Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it hard." 42225 -- Leo Rosten 42226% 42227The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist "Jack." 42228 -- H.L. Mencken 42229% 42230The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. 42231 -- Ehrlich 42232% 42233The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. 42234 -- Paul Erlich 42235% 42236The First Rule of Program Optimization: 42237 Don't do it. 42238 42239The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!): 42240 Don't do it yet. 42241 -- Michael Jackson 42242% 42243The first thing I do in the morning 42244is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue. 42245 -- Dorothy Parker 42246% 42247The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers. 42248 -- Wm. Shakespeare, "Henry VI", Part IV 42249% 42250The first version always gets thrown away. 42251% 42252The five rules of Socialism: 42253 42254 1. Don't think. 42255 2. If you do think, don't speak. 42256 3. If you think and speak, don't write. 42257 4. If you think, speak and write, don't sign. 42258 5. If you think, speak, write and sign, don't be surprised. 42259 42260 -- being told in Poland, 1987 42261% 42262...the flaw that makes perfection perfect. 42263% 42264The flow chart is a most thoroughly oversold piece of program documentation. 42265 -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month" 42266% 42267The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization. 42268 -- Alan Coult 42269% 42270The following statement is not true. 42271The previous statement is true. 42272% 42273The Following Subsume All Physical and Human Laws: 42274 42275 1. You can't push on a string. 42276 2. Ain't no free lunches. 42277 3. Them as has, gets. 42278 4. You can't win them all, but you sure as hell can lose them all. 42279% 42280The Force is what holds everything together. 42281It has its dark side, and it has its light side. 42282It's sort of like cosmic duct tape. 42283% 42284The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money 42285completely surrounded by people who want some. 42286 -- Dwight MacDonald 42287% 42288The forest is safe because a lion lives therein and the lion is safe 42289because it lives in a forest. Likewise the friendship of persons 42290rests on mutual help. 42291 -- Laukikanyay. 42292% 42293The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions 42294and by a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities. 42295% 42296The founding fathers tried to set up a judicial system where the accused 42297received a fair trial, not a system to ensure an acquittal on technicalities. 42298% 42299The founding fathers tried to set up a system where a man got a fair 42300trial, not a system to get let him get off on technicalities. 42301% 42302The fountain code has been tightened slightly so you can no longer dip 42303objects into a fountain or drink from one while you are floating in mid-air 42304due to levitation. 42305 Teleporting to hell via a teleportation trap will no longer occur 42306if the character does not have fire resistance. 42307 -- README file from the NetHack game 42308% 42309[The French Riviera is] a sunny place for shady people. 42310 -- W. Somerset Maugham 42311% 42312The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the 42313number of your kids by thirty-two teeth. 42314% 42315The full potentialities of human fury cannot be reached until a friend 42316of both parties tactfully interferes. 42317 -- G.K. Chesterton 42318% 42319The function of the expert is not to be more right than other people, 42320but to be wrong for more sophisticated reasons. 42321 -- Dr. David Butler, British psephologist 42322% 42323The future is a myth created by insurance 42324salesmen and high school counselors. 42325% 42326The future is a race between education and catastrophe. 42327 -- H.G. Wells 42328% 42329The future isn't what it used to be. (It never was.) 42330% 42331The future lies ahead. 42332% 42333The future not being born, my friend, 42334we will abstain from baptizing it. 42335 -- George Meredith 42336% 42337The garden is in mourning; 42338The rain falls cool among the flowers. 42339Summer shivers quietly 42340On its way towards its end. 42341 42342Golden leaf after leaf 42343Falls from the tall acacia. 42344Summer smiles, astonished, feeble, 42345In this dying dream of a garden. 42346 42347For a long while, yet, in the roses, 42348She will linger on, yearning for peace, 42349And slowly 42350Close her weary eyes. 42351 -- Hermann Hesse, "September" 42352% 42353The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance. 42354% 42355The genius of our ruling class is that it has kept a majority of the 42356people from ever questioning the inequity of a system where most people 42357drudge along paying heavy taxes for which they get nothing in return. 42358 -- Gore Vidal 42359% 42360The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep. 42361% 42362The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness. 42363% 42364The girl who remembers her first kiss now has a daughter who can't even 42365remember her first husband. 42366% 42367The girl who stoops to conquer usually wears a low-cut dress. 42368% 42369The girl who swears no one has ever made love to her has a right to swear. 42370 -- Sophia Loren 42371% 42372The glances over cocktails 42373That seemed to be so sweet 42374Don't seem quite so amorous 42375Over Shredded Wheat 42376% 42377The goal of Computer Science is to build something 42378that will at least last until we've finished building it. 42379% 42380The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. 42381The goal of nature is to build better mice. 42382% 42383The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. 42384They gave him love and he invented marriage. 42385% 42386The Golden Rule is of no use to you whatever unless you realize it 42387is your move. 42388 -- Frank Crane 42389% 42390The Golden Rule of Arts and Sciences: 42391 He who has the gold makes the rules. 42392% 42393The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got 42394to be good. 42395 -- John Barrymore 42396% 42397The good (I am convinced, for one) 42398Is but the bad one leaves undone. 42399Once your reputation's done 42400You can live a life of fun. 42401 -- Wilhelm Busch 42402% 42403The good life was so elusive 42404It really got me down 42405I had to regain some confidence 42406So I got into camouflage 42407% 42408The good time is approaching, 42409The season is at hand. 42410When the merry click of the two-base lick 42411Will be heard throughout the land. 42412The frost still lingers on the earth, and 42413Budless are the trees. 42414But the merry ring of the voice of spring 42415Is borne upon the breeze. 42416 -- Ode to Opening Day, "The Sporting News", 1886 42417% 42418The Gordian Maxim: 42419If a string has one end, it has another. 42420% 42421The government has just completed work on a missile that turned out 42422to be a bit of a boondoggle; nicknamed "Civil Servant", it won't work 42423and they can't fire it. 42424% 42425The Government just announced today the creation of the Neutron Bomb II. 42426Similar to the Neutron Bomb, the Neutron Bomb II not only kills people 42427and leaves buildings standing, but also does a little light housekeeping. 42428% 42429The government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the 42430Christian Religion 42431 -- George Washington 42432% 42433The government was contemplating the dispatch of an expedition to Burma, 42434with a view to taking Rangoon, and a question arose as to who would be the 42435fittest general to be sent in command of the expedition. The Cabinet sent 42436for the Duke of Wellington, and asked his advice. He instantly replied, 42437"Send Lord Combermere." 42438 "But we have always understood that your Grace thought Lord 42439Combermere a fool." 42440 "So he is a fool, and a damned fool; but he can take Rangoon." 42441 -- G.W.E. Russell 42442% 42443The goys have proven the following theorem... 42444 -- Physicist John von Neumann, at the start of a classroom 42445 lecture. 42446% 42447The grass is always greener on the other side of your sunglasses. 42448% 42449The grave's a fine and private place, 42450but none, I think, do there embrace. 42451 -- Andrew Marvell 42452% 42453The graveyards are full of indispensable men. 42454 -- Charles de Gaulle 42455% 42456The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog: 42457 The Gerat Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in courtship, 42458 his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk clerks. 42459 Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods of 42460 time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp 42461 Hedgehog Eater. 42462 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 42463% 42464The great merit of society is to make one appreciate solitude. 42465 -- Charles Chincholles, "Reflections on the Art of Life" 42466% 42467The Great Movie Posters: 42468 42469*A Giggle Gurgling Gulp of Glee* 42470With Pretty Girls, Peppy Scenes, and Gorgeous Revues -- plus a good story. 42471 -- Tea with a Kick (1924) 42472 42473Whoopie! Let's go!... Hand-picked Beauties doing cute tricks! 42474GET IN THE KNOW FOR THE HEY-HEY WHOOPIE! 42475 -- The Wild Party (1929) 42476 42477YOU HEAR HIM MAKE LOVE! 42478DIX -- the dashing soldier! 42479 DIX -- the bold adventurer! 42480 DIX -- the throbbing lover! 42481 -- The Wheel of Life (1929) 42482 42483SEE CHARLES BUTTERWORTH DRIVE A STREETCAR AND SING LOVE 42484SONGS TO HIS MARE "MITZIE"! 42485 -- The Night is Young (1934) 42486% 42487The Great Movie Posters: 42488 42489A mis-spawned murderous abomination from the nether reaches of an 42490unimaginable hell. 42491 -- The Killer of Castle Brood (1967) 42492 42493NEW -- SICKENING HORROR to make your STOMACH TURN and FLESH CRAWL! 42494 -- Frankenstein's Bloody Terror (1968) 42495 42496LUST-MAD MEN AND LAWLESS WOMEN IN A VICIOUS AND SENTUOUS ORGY OF 42497SLAUGHTER! 42498 -- Five Bloody Graves (1969) 42499 42500The family that slays together stays together. 42501 -- Bloody Mama (1970) 42502% 42503The Great Movie Posters: 42504 42505An AVALANCHE of KILLER WORMS! 42506 -- Squirm (1976) 42507 42508Most Movies Live Less Than Two Hours. 42509This Is One of Everlasting Torment! 42510 -- The New House on the Left (1977) 42511 42512WE ARE GOING TO EAT YOU! 42513 -- Zombie (1980) 42514 42515It's not human and it's got an axe. 42516 -- The Prey (1981) 42517% 42518The Great Movie Posters: 42519 42520Different! Daring! Dynamic! Defying! Dumbfounding! 42521SEE Uncle Tom lead the Negroes to FREEDOM! 42522... Now, all the SENSUAL and VIOLENT passions Roots couldn't show on TV! 42523 -- Uncle Tom's Cabin (1972) 42524 42525An appalling amalgam of carnage and carnality! 42526 -- Flesh and Blood Show (1973) 42527 42528WHEN THE CATS ARE HUNGRY... 42529RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! 42530Alone, only a harmless pet... 42531 One Thousand Strong, They Become a Man-Eating Machine! 42532 -- The Night of a Thousand Cats (1972) 42533 42534They're Over-Exposed 42535But Not Under-Developed! 42536 -- Cover Girl Models (1976) 42537% 42538The Great Movie Posters: 42539 42540HOODLUMS FROM ANOTHER WORLD ON A RAY-GUN RAMPAGE! 42541 -- Teenagers from Outher Space (1959) 42542 42543Which will be Her Mate... MAN OR BEAST? 42544Meet Velda -- the Kind of Woman -- Man or Gorilla would kill... to Keep. 42545 -- Untamed Mistress (1960) 42546 42547NOW AN ALL-MIGHTY ALL-NEW MOTION PICTURE BRINGS THEM TOGETHER FOR THE 42548FIRST TIME... HISTORY'S MOST GIGANTIC MONSTERS IN COMBAT ATOP MOUNT FUJI! 42549 -- King Kong vs. Godzilla (1963) 42550% 42551The Great Movie Posters: 42552 42553HOT STEEL BETWEEN THEIR LEGS! 42554 -- The Cycle Savages (1969) 42555 42556The Hand that Rocks the Cradle... Has no Flesh on It! 42557 42558 -- Who Slew Auntie Roo? (1971) 42559 42560TWO GREAT BLOOD HORRORS TO RIP OUT YOUR GUTS! 42561 -- I Eat Your Skin & I Drink Your Blood (1971 double-bill) 42562 42563They Went In People and Came Out Hamburger! 42564 -- The Corpse Grinders (1971) 42565% 42566The Great Movie Posters: 42567 42568KATHERINE HEPBURN as the lying, stealing, singing, preying witch girl 42569of the Ozarks... "Low down white trash"? Maybe so -- but let her hear 42570you say it and she'll break your head to prove herself a lady! 42571 -- Spitfire (1934) 42572 42573Do Native Women Live With Apes? 42574 -- Love Life of a Gorilla (1937) 42575 42576JUNGLE KISS!! 42577 When she looked into his eyes, felt his arms around her -- she 42578was no longer Tura, mysterious white goddess of the jungle tribes -- 42579she was no longer the frozen-harted high priestess under whose hypnotic 42580spell the worshippers of the great crocodile god meekly bowed -- she 42581was a girl in love! 42582 SEE the ravening charge of the hundred scared CROCODILES! 42583 -- Her Jungle Love (1938) 42584 42585LOVE! HATE! JOY! FEAR! TORMENT! PANIC! SHAME! RAGE! 42586 -- Intermezzo (1939) 42587% 42588The Great Movie Posters: 42589 42590POWERFUL! SHOCKING! RAW! ROUGH! CHALLENGING! SEE A LITTLE GIRL MOLESTED! 42591 -- Never Take Candy from a Stranger (1963) 42592 42593She Sins in Mobile -- 42594Marries in Houston -- 42595Loses Her Baby in Dallas -- 42596Leaves Her Husband in Tuscon -- 42597MEETS HARRU IN SAN DIEGO!... 42598FIRST -- HARLOW! 42599THEN -- MONROE! 42600NOW -- McCLANAHAN!!! 42601 -- The Rotton Apple (1963), Rue McClanahan 42602 42603*NOT FOR SISSIES! DON'T COME IF YOU'RE CHICKEN! 42604A Horrifying Movie of Weird Beauties and Shocking Monsters... 426051001 WEIRDEST SCENES EVER!! MOST SHOCKING THRILLER OF THE CENTURY! 42606 -- Teenage Psycho meets Bloody Mary (1964) (Alternate Title: 42607 The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and 42608 Became Mixed Up Zombies) 42609% 42610The Great Movie Posters: 42611 42612SCENES THAT WILL STAGGER YOUR SIGHT! 42613-- DANCING CALLED GO-GO 42614-- MUSIC CALLED JU-JU 42615-- NARCOTICS CALLED BANGI! 42616-- FIRES OF PUBERTY! 42617 SEE the burning of a virgin! 42618 SEE power of witch doctor over women! 42619 SEE pygmies with fantastic Physical Endowments!!! 42620 -- Kwaheri (1965) 42621 42622The Big Comedy of Nineteen-Sexty-Sex! 42623 -- Boeing-Boeing (1965) 42624 42625AN ASTRONAUT WENT UP- 42626A "GUESS WHAT" CAME DOWN! 42627 The picture that comes complete with a 10-foot tall monster to 42628give you the wim-wams! 42629 -- Monster a Go-Go (1965) 42630% 42631The Great Movie Posters: 42632 42633SEE rebel guerrillas torn apart by trucks! 42634SEE corpses cut to pieces and fed to dogs and vultures! 42635SEE the monkey trained to perform nursing duties for her paralyzed owner! 42636 -- Sweet and Savage (1983) 42637 42638What a Guy! What a Gal! What a Pair! 42639 -- Stroker Ace (1983) 42640 42641It's always better when you come again! 42642 -- Porky's II: The Next Day (1983) 42643 42644You Don't Have to Go to Texas for a Chainsaw Massacre! 42645 -- Pieces (1983) 42646% 42647The Great Movie Posters: 42648 42649SHE TOOK ON A WHOLE GANG! A howling hellcat humping a hot steel hog 42650on a roaring rampage of revenge! 42651 -- Bury Me an Angel (1972) 42652 42653WHAT'S THE SECRET INGREDIENT USED BY THE MAD BUTCHER FOR HIS SUPERB 42654SAUSAGES? 42655 -- Meat is Meat (1972) 42656 42657TODAY the Pond! 42658TOMORROW the World! 42659 -- Frogs (1972) 42660% 42661The Great Movie Posters: 42662 42663She's got the biggest six-shooters in the West! 42664 -- The Beautiful Blonde from Bashful Bend (1949) 42665 42666CAST OF 3,000! 426674 WRITERS, 426682 DIRECTORS, 426693 CAMERAMEN, 426703 PRODUCERS! 426711 YEAR TO MAKE THIS FILM -- 4267224 YEARS TO REHEARSE -- 4267320 YEARS TO DISTRIBUTE! 42674 BEAUTIFUL BEYOND WORDS! 42675 AWE-INSPIRING! VITAL! 42676THE PRINCE OF PEACE PROVIDES THE ANSWER TO EVERY PROBLEM! 42677Be Brave-bring your troubles and your family to: 42678 HISTORY'S MOST SUBLIME EVENT! YOU'LL FIND GOD RIGHT IN THERE! 42679 -- The Prince of Peace (1948). Starring members of the 42680 Wichita Mountain Pageant featuring Millard Coody as Jesus. 42681% 42682The Great Movie Posters: 42683 42684The Miracle of the Age!!! A LION in your lap! A LOVER in your arms! 42685 -- Bwana Devil (1952) 42686 42687OVERWHELMING! ELECTRIFYING! BAFFLING! 42688Fire Can't Burn Them! Bullets Can't Kill Them! See the Unfolding of 42689the Mysteries of the Moon as Murderous Robot Monsters Descend Upon the 42690Earth! You've Never Seen Anything Like It! Neither Has the World! 42691 SEE... Robots from Space in All Their Glory!!! 42692 -- Robot Monster (1953) 42693 426941,965 pyramids, 5,337 dancing girls, one million swaying bullrushes, 42695802 scared bulls! 42696 -- The Egyptian (1954) 42697% 42698The Great Movie Posters: 42699 42700The nightmare terror of the slithering eye that unleashed agonizing 42701horror on a screaming world! 42702 -- The Crawling Eye (1958) 42703 42704SEE a female colossus... her mountainous torso, skyscraper limbs, 42705giant desires! 42706 -- Attack of the Fifty-Foot Woman (1958) 42707 42708Here Is Your Chance To Know More About Sex. 42709What Should a Movie Do? Hide It's Head in the Sand Like an Ostrich? 42710Or Face the JOLTING TRUTH as does... 42711 -- The Desperate Women (1958) 42712% 42713The Great Movie Posters: 42714 42715They hungered for her treasure! And died for her pleasure! 42716SEE Man-Fish Battle Shark-Man-Killer! 42717 -- The Golden Mistress (1954) 42718 42719See Jane Russell in 3-D; She'll Knock Both Your Eyes Out! 42720 -- The French Line (1954) 42721 42722See Jane Russell Shake Her Tambourines... and Drive Cornel WILDE! 42723 -- Hot Blood (1956) 42724% 42725The Great Movie Posters: 42726 42727When You're Six Tons -- And They Call You Killer -- It's Hard To Make 42728Friends... 42729 -- Namu, the Killer Whale (1966) 42730 42731Meet the Girls with the Thermo-Nuclear Navels! 42732 -- Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs (1966) 42733 42734A GHASTLY TALE DRENCHED WITH GOUTS OF BLOOD SPURTING FROM THE VICTIMS 42735OF A CRAZED MADMAN'S LUST. 42736 -- A Taste of Blood (1967) 42737% 42738The great nations have always acted like gangsters and the small nations 42739like prostitutes. 42740 -- Stanley Kubrick 42741% 42742The great question that has never been answered and which I have not 42743yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the 42744feminine soul is: WHAT DOES A WOMAN WANT? 42745 -- Sigmund Freud 42746% 42747The great secret in life ... [is] not to open your letters for a fortnight. 42748At the expiration of that period you will find that nearly all of them have 42749answered themselves. 42750 -- Arthur Binstead 42751% 42752The greatest disloyalty one can offer to great pioneers 42753is to refuse to move an inch from where they stood. 42754% 42755The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves. 42756 -- Sophocles 42757% 42758The greatest joy a man can know is to conquer his enemies and drive them 42759before him. To ride their horses and take away their possessions. To see 42760the faces of those who were dear to them bedewed with tears, and to clasp 42761their wives and daughters to his arms. 42762 -- Genghis Khan 42763% 42764The greatest love is a mother's, then a dog's, then a sweetheart's. 42765 -- Polish proverb 42766% 42767The Greatest Mathematical Error 42768 The Mariner I space probe was launched from Cape Canaveral on 28 42769July 1962 towards Venus. After 13 minutes' flight a booster engine would 42770give acceleration up to 25,820 mph; after 44 minutes 9,800 solar cells 42771would unfold; after 80 days a computer would calculate the final course 42772corrections and after 100 days the craft would circle the unknown planet, 42773scanning the mysterious cloud in which it is bathed. 42774 However, with an efficiency that is truly heartening, Mariner I 42775plunged into the Atlantic Ocean only four minutes after takeoff. 42776 Inquiries later revealed that a minus sign had been omitted from 42777the instructions fed into the computer. "It was human error", a launch 42778spokesman said. 42779 This minus sign cost L4,280,000. 42780 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 42781% 42782The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none. 42783% 42784The greatest productive force is human selfishness. 42785 -- Robert Heinlein 42786% 42787The greatest remedy for anger is delay. 42788% 42789The groundhog is like most other prophets; 42790it delivers its message and then disappears. 42791% 42792The happiest time in any man's life is just after the first divorce. 42793 -- Galbraith 42794% 42795The happiest time of a person's life is after his first divorce. 42796 -- J.K. Galbraith 42797% 42798The hardest part of climbing the ladder of 42799success is getting through the crowd at the bottom. 42800% 42801The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax. 42802 -- Albert Einstein 42803% 42804The hardest thing is to disguise your feelings when 42805you put a lot of relatives on the train for home. 42806% 42807The hater of property and of government takes care to have his warranty 42808deed recorded, and the book written against fame and learning has the 42809author's name on the title page. 42810 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1831 42811% 42812The hatred of relatives is the most violent. 42813 -- Tacitus (c.55 - c.117) 42814% 42815The health of a democratic society may be measured by the quality 42816of functions performed by private citizens. 42817 -- Alexis de Tocqueville 42818% 42819The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom 42820whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, nohow. 42821% 42822The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of. 42823 -- Blaise Pascal 42824% 42825The heart is wiser than the intellect. 42826% 42827...the heat come 'round and busted me for smiling on a cloudy day. 42828% 42829The heaviest object in the world is the 42830body of the woman you have ceased to love. 42831 -- Marquis de Lac de Clapiers Vauvenargues 42832% 42833The Heineken Uncertainty Principle: 42834 You can never be sure how many beers you had last night. 42835% 42836"The hell with the prime directive! Let's kill something!" 42837% 42838The help people need most urgently is 42839help in admitting that they need help. 42840% 42841The herd instinct among economists 42842makes sheep look like independent thinkers. 42843% 42844The heroic hours of life do not announce their presence by drum and trumpet, 42845challenging us to be true to ourselves by appeals to the martial spirit that 42846keeps the blood at heat. Some little, unassuming, unobtrusive choice presents 42847itself before us slyly and craftily, glib and insinuating, in the modest garb 42848of innocence. To yield to its blandishments is so easy. The wrong, it seems, 42849is venial... Then it is that you will be summoned to show the courage of 42850adventurous youth. 42851 -- Benjamin Cardozo 42852% 42853The higher you climb, the more you show your ass. 42854 -- Alexander Pope, "The Dunciad" 42855% 42856The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through 42857three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry, and 42858Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why, and Where phases. For 42859instance, the first phase is characterized by the question "How can we 42860eat?" the second by "Why do we eat?" and the third by "Where shall we 42861have lunch?". 42862 -- Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy 42863% 42864The history of warfare is similarly subdivided, although here the phases 42865are Retribution, Anticipation, and Diplomacy. Thus: 42866 42867Retribution: 42868 I'm going to kill you because you killed my brother. 42869Anticipation: 42870 I'm going to kill you because I killed your brother. 42871Diplomacy: 42872 I'm going to kill my brother and then kill you on the 42873 pretext that your brother did it. 42874% 42875The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars." 42876 -- Johnny Carson 42877% 42878The honeymoon is not actually over until we cease 42879to stifle our sighs and begin to stifle our yawns. 42880 -- Helen Rowland 42881% 42882The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late for supper and 42883she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator. 42884 -- Bill Lawrence 42885% 42886The horror... the horror! 42887% 42888The human animal differs from the lesser 42889primates in his passion for lists of "Ten Best". 42890 -- H. Allen Smith 42891% 42892The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment 42893you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public. 42894 -- Sir George Jessel 42895% 42896The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of 42897its capacity -- the rest is overhead for the operating system. 42898% 42899The human mind treats a new idea the way the 42900body treats a strange protein: it rejects it. 42901 -- P. Medawar 42902% 42903The human race has been fascinated by sharks for as long as I can remember. 42904Just like the bluebird feeding its young, or the spider struggling to weave 42905its perfect web, or the buttercup blooming in spring, the shark reveals to 42906us yet another of the infinite and wonderful facets of nature, namely the 42907facet that it can bite your head off. This causes us humans to feel a 42908certain degree of awe. 42909 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 42910% 42911The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. 42912 -- Mark Twain 42913% 42914The human race never solves any of its problems. It merely outlives them. 42915 -- David Gerrold 42916% 42917The husband who doesn't tell his wife everything probably reasons 42918that what she doesn't know won't hurt him. 42919 -- Leo J. Burke 42920% 42921The IBM 2250 is impressive ... 42922if you compare it with a system selling for a tenth its price. 42923 -- D. Cohen 42924% 42925The IBM purchase of ROLM gives new meaning to the term "twisted pair". 42926 -- Howard Anderson, "Yankee Group" 42927% 42928The idea that an arbitrary naive human should be able to properly use a given 42929tool without training or understanding is even more wrong for computing than 42930it is for other tools (e.g. automobiles, airplanes, guns, power saws). 42931 -- Doug Gwyn 42932% 42933The ideal voice for radio may be defined as showing no substance, 42934no sex, no owner, and a message of importance for every housewife. 42935 -- Harry V. Wade 42936% 42937The ideas of economists and political philosophers, both when they 42938are right and when they are wrong, are more powerful than is generally 42939understood. Indeed, the world is ruled by little else. 42940 -- John Maynard Keyes 42941% 42942The idle man does not know what it is to enjoy rest. 42943% 42944The idle mind knows not what it is it wants. 42945 -- Quintus Ennius 42946% 42947The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. 42948 -- Henry Kissinger 42949% 42950The Illiterati Programus Canto 1: 42951 A program is a lot like a nose: 42952 Sometimes it runs, and sometimes it blows. 42953% 42954The important thing is not to stop questioning. 42955% 42956The important thing to remember about walking on eggs is not to hop. 42957% 42958The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than 42959golf has. 42960 -- The Best of Will Rogers 42961% 42962The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important 42963point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly 42964important thing to people. 42965 -- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King 42966% 42967The infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is 42968a delight to moralists. That is why they invented hell. 42969 -- Bertrand Russell 42970% 42971The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; 42972the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. 42973 -- Churchill 42974% 42975The instruments of science do not in themselves discover truth. And 42976there are searchings that are not concluded by the coincidence of a 42977pointer and a mark. 42978 -- Fred Saberhagen, "The Berserker Wars" 42979% 42980The introduction of a new kind of music must be shunned as imperiling 42981the whole state, for styles of music are never disturbed without 42982affecting the most important political institutions. ... The new 42983style, gradually gaining a lodgement, quietly insinuates itself into 42984manners and customs, and from it ... goes on to attack laws and 42985constitutions, displaying the utmost impudence, until it ends by 42986overturning everything. 42987 -- Plato, "Republic", 370 B.C. 42988% 42989The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of 42990the group divided by the number of people in the group. 42991% 42992The Israelis are the Doberman pinschers of the Middle East. They 42993treat the Arabs like postmen. 42994 -- Franklyn Ajaye 42995% 42996The Israelites were all waiting anxiously at the foot of the mountain, 42997knowing that Moses had had a tough day negotiating with God over the 42998Commandments. Finally a tired Moses came into sight. 42999 "I've got some good news and some bad news, folks," he said. "The 43000good news is that I got Him down to ten. The bad news is that adultery's 43001still in." 43002% 43003"The jig's up, Elman." 43004"Which jig?" 43005 -- Jeff Elman 43006% 43007The Junior God now heads the roll 43008In the list of heaven's peers; 43009He sits in the House of High Control, 43010And he regulates the spheres. 43011Yet does he wonder, do you suppose, 43012If, even in gods divine, 43013The best and wisest may not be those 43014Who have wallowed awhile with the swine? 43015 -- R.W. Service 43016% 43017The justifications for drug testing are part of the presently fashionable 43018debate concerning restoring America's "competitiveness." Drugs, it has been 43019revealed, are responsible for rampant absenteeism, reduced output, and poor 43020quality work. But is drug testing in fact rationally related to the 43021resurrection of competitiveness? Will charging the atmosphere of the 43022workplace with the fear of excretory betrayal honestly spur productivity? 43023Much noise has been made about rehabilitating the worker using drugs, but 43024to date the vast majority of programs end with the simple firing or the not 43025hiring of the abuser. This practice may exacerbate, not alleviate, the 43026nation's productivity problem. If economic rehabilitation is the ultimate 43027goal of drug testing, then criteria abandoning the rehabilitation of the 43028drug-using worker is the purest of hypocrisy and the worst of rationalization. 43029 -- The concluding paragraph of "Constitutional Law: The 43030 Fourth Amendment and Drug Testing in the Workplace," 43031 Tim Moore, Harvard Journal of Law & Public Policy, vol. 43032 10, No. 3 (Summer 1987), pp. 762-768. 43033% 43034The Kennedy Constant: 43035 Don't get mad -- get even. 43036% 43037The key elements in human thinking are not numbers but labels of fuzzy sets. 43038 -- L. Zadeh 43039% 43040The key to building a superstar is to keep their mouth shut. To reveal 43041an artist to the people can be to destroy him. It isn't to anyone's 43042advantage to see the truth. 43043 -- Bob Ezrin, rock music producer 43044% 43045The Killer Ducks are coming!!! 43046% 43047The kind of danger people most enjoy is 43048the kind they can watch from a safe place. 43049% 43050The King and his advisor are overlooking the battle field: 43051 43052King: "How goes the battle plan?" 43053Advisor: "See those little black specks running to the right?" 43054K: "Yes." 43055A: "Those are their guys. And all those little red specks running 43056 to the left are our guys. Then when they collide we wait till 43057 the dust clears." 43058K: "And?" 43059A: "If there are more red specks left than black specks, we win." 43060K: "But what about the 43061^#!!$% battle plan?" 43062A: "So far, it seems to be going according to specks." 43063% 43064The knowledge that makes us cherish 43065innocence makes innocence unattainable. 43066 -- Irving Howe 43067% 43068The Kosher Dill was invented in 1723 by Joe Kosher and Sam Dill. It is 43069the single most popular pickle variety today, enjoyed throughout the free 43070world by man, woman and child alike. An astounding 350 billion kosher 43071dills are eaten each year, averaging out to almost 1/4 pickle per person 43072per day. New York Times food critic Mimi Sheraton says "The kosher dill 43073really changed my life. I used to enjoy eating McDonald's hamburgers and 43074drinking Iron City Lite, and then I encountered the kosher dill pickle. 43075I realized that there was far more to haute cuisine then I'd ever imagined. 43076And now, just look at me." 43077% 43078The ladies men admire, I've heard, 43079Would shudder at a wicked word. 43080Their candle gives a single light; 43081They'd rather stay at home at night. 43082They do not keep awake till three, 43083Nor read erotic poetry. 43084They never sanction the impure, 43085Nor recognize an overture. 43086They shrink from powders and from paints... 43087So far, I've had no complaints. 43088 -- Dorothy Parker 43089% 43090The language of politics is poetry, not prose. Jackson is poetry. 43091Cuomo is poetry. Dukakis is a word processor. 43092 -- Richard M. Nixon, on Meet the Press, April, 1988 43093% 43094The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for 43095everything that goes wrong -- until the next person quits or is fired. 43096% 43097The last person that quit or was fired will be the held responsible 43098for everything that goes wrong -- until the next person quits or is 43099fired. 43100% 43101The last person who said that (God rest his soul) lived to regret it. 43102% 43103The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first. 43104 -- Blaise Pascal 43105% 43106The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane holding his own 43107hand. 43108 -- Fred Allen 43109% 43110The last time somebody said, "I find I can write much better with a word 43111processor.", I replied, "They used to say the same thing about drugs." 43112 -- Roy Blount, Jr. 43113% 43114The last vestiges of the old Republic have been swept away. 43115 -- Governor Tarkin 43116% 43117The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, 43118to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread. 43119 -- Anatole France 43120% 43121The Law of Probable Dispersal: 43122 That which hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. 43123% 43124The Law of the Letter: 43125 The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the envelope. 43126% 43127The Law of the Perversity of Nature: 43128 You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter. 43129% 43130The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men 43131should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal 43132weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine 43133we own. 43134 -- H.G. Wells 43135% 43136The Least Perceptive Literary Critic 43137 The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax. A 43138most individual judge of poetry, he once invited Alexander Pope round to 43139give a public reading of his latest poem. 43140 Pope, the leading poet of his day, was greatly surprised when Lord 43141Halifax stopped him four or five times and said, "I beg your pardon, Mr. 43142Pope, but there is something in that passage that does not quite please me." 43143 Pope was rendered speechless, as this fine critic suggested sizeable 43144and unwise emendations to his latest masterpiece. "Be so good as to mark 43145the place and consider at your leisure. I'm sure you can give it a better 43146turn." 43147 After the reading, a good friend of Lord Halifax, a certain Dr. 43148Garth, took the stunned Pope to one side. "There is no need to touch the 43149lines," he said. "All you need do is leave them just as they are, call on 43150Lord Halifax two or three months hence, thank him for his kind observation 43151on those passages, and then read them to him as altered. I have known him 43152much longer than you have, and will be answerable for the event." 43153 Pope took his advice, called on Lord Hallifax and read the poem 43154exactly as it was before. His unique critical faculties had lost none of 43155their edge. "Ay", he commented, "now they are perfectly right. Nothing can 43156be better." 43157 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 43158% 43159The Least Successful Animal Rescue 43160 The firemen's strike of 1978 made possible one of the great animal 43161rescue attempts of all time. Valiantly, the British Army had taken over 43162emergency firefighting and on 14 January they were called out by an elderly 43163lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped up a 43164tree. They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their duty. 43165So grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea. Driving off 43166later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat and killed it. 43167 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 43168% 43169The Least Successful Collector 43170 Betsy Baker played a central role in the history of collecting. She 43171was employed as a servant in the house of John Warburton (1682-1759) who had 43172amassed a fine collection of 58 first edition plays, including most of the 43173works of Shakespeare. 43174 One day Warburton returned home to find 55 of them charred beyond 43175legibility. Betsy had either burned them or used them as pie bottoms. The 43176remaining three folios are now in the British Museum. 43177 The only comparable literary figure was the maid who in 1835 burned 43178the manuscript of the first volume of Thomas Carlyle's "The History of the 43179French Revolution", thinking it was wastepaper. 43180 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 43181% 43182The Least Successful Defrosting Device 43183 The all-time record here is held by Mr. Peter Rowlands of Lancaster 43184whose lips became frozen to his lock in 1979 while blowing warm air on it. 43185 "I got down on my knees to breathe into the lock. Somehow my lips 43186got stuck fast." 43187 While he was in the posture, an old lady passed an inquired if he 43188was all right. "Alra? Igmmlptk", he replied at which point she ran away. 43189 "I tried to tell her what had happened, but it came out sort of... 43190muffled," explained Mr. Rowlands, a pottery designer. 43191 He was trapped for twenty minutes ("I felt a bit foolish") until 43192constant hot breathing brought freedom. He was subsequently nicknamed "Hot 43193Lips". 43194 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 43195% 43196The Least Successful Equal Pay Advertisement 43197 In 1976 the European Economic Community pointed out to the Irish 43198Government that it had not yet implemented the agreed sex equality 43199legislation. The Dublin Government immediately advertised for an equal pay 43200enforcement officer. The advertisement offered different salary scales for 43201men and women. 43202 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 43203% 43204The Least Successful Executions 43205 History has furnished us with two executioners worthy of attention. 43206The first performed in Sydney in Australia. In 1803 three attempts were 43207made to hang a Mr. Joseph Samuels. On the first two of these the rope 43208snapped, while on the third Mr. Samuels just hung there peacefully until he 43209and everyone else got bored. Since he had proved unsusceptible to capital 43210punishment, he was reprieved. 43211 The most important British executioner was Mr. James Berry who 43212tried three times in 1885 to hang Mr. John Lee at Exeter Jail, but on each 43213occasion failed to get the trap door open. 43214 In recognition of this achievement, the Home Secretary commuted 43215Lee's sentence to "life" imprisonment. He was released in 1917, emigrated 43216to America and lived until 1933. 43217 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 43218% 43219The Least Successful Police Dogs 43220 America has a very strong candidate in "La Dur", a fearsome looking 43221schnauzer hound, who was retired from the Orlando police force in Florida 43222in 1978. He consistently refused to do anything which might ruffle or 43223offend the criminal classes. 43224 His handling officer, Rick Grim, had to admit: "He just won't go up 43225and bite them. I got sick and tired of doing that dog's work for him." 43226 The British contenders in this category, however, took things a 43227stage further. "Laddie" and "Boy" were trained as detector dogs for drug 43228raids. Their employment was terminated following a raid in the Midlands in 432291967. 43230 While the investigating officer questioned two suspects, they 43231patted and stroked the dogs who eventually fell asleep in front of the 43232fire. When the officer moved to arrest the suspects, one dog growled at 43233him while the other leapt up and bit his thigh. 43234 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 43235% 43236The less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag. 43237 -- Kin Hubbard 43238% 43239The less time planning, the more time programming. 43240% 43241THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10 -- SIMPLE 43242 43243 SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming 43244Language Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College 43245for Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write 43246code with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN, 43247END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make a 43248syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful, thus achieving 43249the results of programs written in other languages without the tedious, 43250frustrating process of testing and debugging. 43251% 43252THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12 -- LITHP 43253 43254 This otherwise unremarkable language, originally developed in San 43255Francisco, is distinguished by the absence of an "S" in its character set; 43256users must substitute "TH". LITHP is thaid to be utheful in protheththing 43257lithtth. 43258% 43259THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13 -- SLOBOL 43260 43261 SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler. 43262Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they compile, 43263SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the beans. Forty- 43264three programmers are known to have died of boredom sitting at their terminals 43265while waiting for a SLOBOL program to compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers 43266often turn to a related (but infinitely faster) language, COCAINE. 43267% 43268THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #14 -- VALGOL 43269 43270 VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the 43271industry. VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE, WELL, and Y*KNOW. 43272Variables are assigned with the =LIKE and =TOTALLY operators. Other 43273operators include the "California booleans", AX and NOWAY. Loops are 43274accomplished with the FOR SURE construct. A simple example: 43275 43276 LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START 43277 IF PIZZA =LIKE BITCHEN AND 43278 GUY =LIKE TUBULAR AND 43279 VALLEY GIRL =LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2 43280 THEN 43281 FOR I =LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100 43282 DO*WAH - (DITTY**2); BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT) 43283 SURE 43284 LIKE, BAG THIS PROGRAM; REALLY; LIKE TOTALLY(Y*KNOW); IM*SURE 43285 GOTO THE MALL 43286 43287 VALGOL is also characterized by its unfriendly error messages. For 43288example, when the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the 43289message GAG ME WITH A SPOON! A successful compile may be termed MAXIMALLY 43290AWESOME! 43291% 43292THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- DOGO 43293 43294 Developed at the Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training, DOGO 43295DOGO heralds a new era of computer-literate pets. DOGO commands include 43296SIT, STAY, HEEL, and ROLL OVER. An innovative feature of DOGO is "puppy 43297graphics", a small cocker spaniel that occasionally leaves a deposit as 43298it travels across the screen. 43299% 43300THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- SARTRE 43301 43302 Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely 43303unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just are. 43304Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. SARTRE 43305programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at parties. 43306% 43307THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- C- 43308 43309 This language was named for the grade received by its creator when 43310he submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is 43311best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the language 43312generally requires more C- statements than machine-code statements to execute 43313a given task. In this respect, it is very similar to COBOL. 43314% 43315THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- FIFTH 43316 43317 FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types 43318refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and JIGGER to 43319FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and BLOTTO. Commands 43320refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, 43321VODKA, SCOTCH, BOURBON, and WHATEVERSAROUND. 43322 The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and 43323financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include VSOP and 43324LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH, THUNDERBIRD, 43325RIPPLE and HOUSERED. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers 43326who end up using this language. 43327% 43328THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5 -- LAIDBACK 43329 43330 LAIDBACK was developed at the (now defunct) Marin County Center for 43331T'ai Chi, Mellowness and Computer Programming, as an alternative to the more 43332intense languages of nearby Silicon Valley. 43333 The Center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs 43334while they worked. Unfortunately, few programmers could survive there long, 43335since the Center outlawed pizza and RC Cola in favor of bean curd and Perrier. 43336 Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a 43337gentle and nonthreatening language. For example, LAIDBACK responded to 43338syntax errors with the message SORRY MAN, I JUST CAN'T DEAL BEHIND THAT. 43339% 43340The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them. 43341 -- Lenny Bruce 43342% 43343The life which is unexamined is not worth living. 43344 -- Plato 43345% 43346The light of a hundred stars does not equal the light of the moon. 43347% 43348The lion and the calf shall lie down 43349together but the calf won't get much sleep. 43350 -- Woody Allen 43351% 43352The little girl expects no declaration of tenderness from her doll. 43353She loves it -- and that's all. It is thus that we should love. 43354 -- DeGourmont 43355% 43356The little pieces of my life I give to you, 43357with love, to make a quilt to keep away the cold. 43358% 43359The little town that time forgot, 43360Where all the women are strong, 43361The men are good-looking, 43362And the children above-average. 43363 -- Prairie Home Companion 43364% 43365The local minister noticed a little girl standing outside of his 43366door with a basket of kittens. 43367 "Hello, little girl, what do you have there?" 43368 "These are my Democratic kittens," she replied. 43369Amused, the pastor said nothing. Two weeks later he saw the same little 43370girl with (apparently) the same basket of kittens. 43371 "My, I see you still have your Democratic kittens.", he said. 43372 "No, you see, these are Republican kittens," she answered. 43373 "Two weeks ago they were Democratic kittens," he replied, puzzled. 43374 "Two weeks ago they had their eyes closed." 43375% 43376The `loner' may be respected, but he is always resented by his colleagues, 43377for he seems to be passing a critical judgment on them, when he may be 43378simply making a limiting statement about himself. 43379 -- Sidney Harris 43380% 43381The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself. 43382 -- Henry Kissinger 43383% 43384The longer the title, the less important the job. 43385% 43386The longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate. 43387 -- Marcus Terentius Varro 43388% 43389The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we 43390could grab as much as we could with both of them. 43391 -- Major Major's father 43392% 43393The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. 43394Indian Giver be the name of the Lord. 43395% 43396The Lord prefers common-looking people. That is the reason that He makes 43397so many of them. 43398 -- Abraham Lincoln 43399% 43400The louder he talked of his honour, the faster we counted our spoons. 43401 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 43402% 43403The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of 43404the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe now stacking wood at 43405her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of the poetic and heroic 43406Handsomas roared, 'Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you'll feel my 43407steel through your last meal!' 43408 -- Winning sentence, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. 43409% 43410The luck that is ordained for you will be coveted by others. 43411% 43412The lunatic, the lover, and the poet, 43413Are of imagination all compact... 43414 -- Wm. Shakespeare, "A Midsummer Night's Dream" 43415% 43416The Macintosh is Xerox technology at its best. 43417% 43418The magic of our first love is our ignorance that it can ever end. 43419 -- Benjamin Disraeli 43420% 43421The main problem I have with cats is, they're not dogs. 43422 -- Kevin Cowherd 43423% 43424The major advances in civilization are processes 43425that all but wreck the societies in which they occur. 43426 -- A.N. Whitehead 43427% 43428The major difference between bonds and bond traders is that the 43429bonds will eventually mature. 43430% 43431The major sin is the sin of being born. 43432 -- Samuel Beckett 43433% 43434The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutang trying to play 43435the violin. 43436 -- Honore de Balzac 43437% 43438The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time. 43439The terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of 43440consistency. 43441 -- Albert Einstein 43442% 43443The makers may make, 43444And the users may use, 43445But the fixers must fix 43446With but minimal clues. 43447% 43448The man she had was kind and clean 43449And well enough for every day, 43450But oh, dear friends, you should have seen 43451The one that got away. 43452 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Fisherwoman" 43453% 43454The Man Who Almost Invented The Vacuum Cleaner 43455 The man officially credited with inventing the vacuum cleaner is 43456Hubert Cecil Booth. However, he got the idea from a man who almost 43457invented it. 43458 In 1901 Booth visited a London music-hall. On the bill was an 43459American inventor with his wonder machine for removing dust from carpets. 43460 The machine comprised a box about one foot square with a bag on top. 43461After watching the act -- which made everyone in the front six rows sneeze 43462-- Booth went round to the inventor's dressing room. 43463 "It should suck not blow," said Booth, coming straight to the 43464point. "Suck?", exclaimed the enraged inventor. "Your machine just moves 43465the dust around the room," Booth informed him. "Suck? Suck? Sucking is 43466not possible," was the inventor's reply and he stormed out. Booth proved 43467that it was by the simple expedient of kneeling down, pursing his lips and 43468sucking the back of an armchair. "I almost choked," he said afterwards. 43469 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 43470% 43471The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd. 43472The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever 43473been. 43474 -- Alan Ashley-Pitt 43475% 43476The man who has never been flogged has never been taught. 43477 -- Menander 43478% 43479The man who laughs has not yet been told the terrible news. 43480 -- Bertolt Brecht 43481% 43482The man who raises a fist has run out of ideas. 43483 -- H.G. Wells, "Time After Time" 43484% 43485The man who runs may fight again. 43486 -- Menander 43487% 43488The man who sees, on New Year's day, Mount 43489Fuji, a hawk, and an eggplant is forever blessed. 43490 -- Old Japanese proverb 43491% 43492The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that 43493will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful. 43494 -- Mark Twain 43495% 43496The man who understands one woman is 43497qualified to understand pretty well everything. 43498 -- Yeats 43499% 43500The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President. All he has 43501to do is get up every morning and say, "How's the President?" 43502 -- Will Rogers 43503 43504The vice-presidency ain't worth a pitcher of warm spit. 43505 -- Vice President John Nance Garner 43506% 43507The Marines: 43508 The few, the proud, the dead on the beach. 43509% 43510The Marines: 43511 The few, the proud, the not very bright. 43512% 43513The mark of a good party is that you wake up the next morning 43514wanting to change your name and start a new life in different city. 43515 -- Vance Bourjaily, "Esquire" 43516% 43517The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, 43518while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one. 43519 -- Wilhelm Stekel 43520% 43521The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice 43522and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the 43523master calls a butterfly. 43524 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul 43525% 43526The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of 43527husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism 43528are one, and that one is marxism. 43529 -- Heidi Hartmann, 43530 "The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism" 43531% 43532The Martian Canals were clearly the Martian's last ditch effort! 43533% 43534The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a 43535soda can, which, when discarded will last forever -- and a $7,000 car 43536which, when properly cared for, will rust out in two or three years. 43537% 43538The mate for beauty should be a man and not a money chest. 43539 -- Bulwer 43540% 43541The mature bohemian is one whose woman works full time. 43542% 43543The means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers, 43544always end up on their ends without any means. 43545 -- Saul Alinsky 43546% 43547The meat is rotten, but the booze is holding out. 43548Computer translation of "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." 43549% 43550The meek don't want it. 43551% 43552The meek inherit the earth -- usually in small sections... about 6 by 3. 43553% 43554The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse. 43555% 43556The meek shall inherit the earth; but by that 43557time there won't be anything left worth inheriting. 43558% 43559The meek shall inherit the earth, but *not* its mineral rights. 43560 -- J.P. Getty 43561% 43562The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us, the Universe. 43563% 43564The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us will go to the stars. 43565% 43566The meek shall inherit the Earth. 43567(But they're gonna have to fight for it.) 43568% 43569The meek will inherit the earth -- if that's OK with you. 43570% 43571The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two 43572chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed. 43573 -- Carl Jung 43574% 43575[The members of the Chamberlain government] are decided only to be 43576undecided, resolved to be irresolute, adamant for drift, all-powerful 43577for impotency. 43578 -- W. Churchill 43579% 43580The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the klutz said, 43581 "Life is like a bowl of sour cream." 43582 "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?" 43583 "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?" 43584% 43585The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't. 43586% 43587The mirror sees the man as beautiful, the mirror loves the man; another 43588mirror sees the man as frightful and hates him; and it is always the same 43589being who produces the impressions. 43590 -- Marquis D.A.F. de Sade 43591% 43592The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might be 43593general systems laws. For example, Frank Harary once suggested the law that 43594any field that had the word "science" in its name was guaranteed thereby 43595not to be a science. He would cite as examples Military Science, Library 43596Science, Political Science, Homemaking Science, Social Science, and Computer 43597Science. Discuss the generality of this law, and possible reasons for its 43598predictive power. 43599 -- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems 43600 Thinking" 43601% 43602The Modelski Chain Rule: 436031: Look intently at the problem for several minutes. Scratch your 43604 head at 20-30 second intervals. Try solving the problem on your 43605 Hewlett-Packard. 436062: Failing this, look around at the class. Select a particularly 43607 bright-looking individual. 436083: Procure a large chain. 436094: Walk over to the selected student and threaten to beat him severely 43610 with the chain unless he gives you the answer to the problem. 43611 Generally, he will. It may also be a good idea to give him a sound 43612 thrashing anyway, just to show you mean business. 43613% 43614"The molars, I'm sure, will be all right, the molars can take care of 43615themselves," the old man said, no longer to me. "But what will become 43616of the bicuspids?" 43617 -- The Old Man and his Bridge 43618% 43619The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me. 43620 -- Nicol Williamson 43621% 43622The moon is made of green cheese. 43623 -- John Heywood 43624% 43625The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away. 43626% 43627The Moral Majority is neither. 43628% 43629The more complex the mind, the greater 43630the need for the simplicity of play. 43631 -- Captain Kirk, "Shore Leave" 43632% 43633The more control, the more that requires control. 43634% 43635The more cordial the buyers secretary, the greater 43636the odds that the competition already has the order. 43637% 43638The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. 43639% 43640The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the 43641lower the mailing cost. 43642 -- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 43643% 43644The more he talked of his honor the faster we counted our spoons. 43645 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 43646% 43647The more I know men the more I like my horse. 43648% 43649The more I see of men the more I admire dogs. 43650 -- Mme De Sevigne, 1626-1696 43651% 43652The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work. 43653 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions" 43654% 43655The more laws and order are made prominent, 43656the more thieves and robbers there will be. 43657 -- Lao Tsu 43658% 43659The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For 43660instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, 43661contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...) 43662% 43663The more the merrier. 43664 -- John Heywood 43665% 43666The more they over-think the plumbing 43667the easier it is to stop up the drain. 43668% 43669The more things change, the more they remain the same. 43670 -- Alphonse Karr 43671% 43672The more things change, the more they stay insane. 43673% 43674The more things change, the more they'll never be the same again. 43675% 43676The more we disagree, the more chance 43677there is that at least one of us is right. 43678% 43679The more you complain, the longer God lets you live. 43680% 43681The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war. 43682% 43683The Moscow Evening News advertised a contest for the best political joke. 43684First prize was ten years in prison; second prize, five years; third prize, 43685three years; and there were six honorable mentions of one year each. 43686% 43687The mosquito exists to keep the mighty humble. 43688% 43689The moss on the tree does not fear the talons of the hawk. 43690% 43691The most advantageous, pre-eminent thing thou canst do is not to 43692exhibit nor display thyself within the limits of our galaxy, but 43693rather depart instantaneously whence thou even now standest and 43694flee to yet another rotten planet in the universe, if thou canst 43695have the good fortune to find one. 43696 -- Carlyle 43697% 43698The most common given name in the world is Mohammad; the most common 43699family name in the world is Chang. Can you imagine the enormous number 43700of people in the world named Mohammad Chang? 43701 -- Derek Wills 43702% 43703The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately 43704in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind. 43705 -- H.L. Mencken 43706% 43707The most dangerous food is wedding cake. 43708 -- American proverb 43709% 43710The most dangerous organization in America today is: 43711 43712 a) The KKK 43713 b) The American Nazi Party 43714 c) The Delta Frequent Flyer Club 43715% 43716The most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in 43717the country is the one on which you resell it. 43718 -- J. Brecheux 43719% 43720The most difficult thing about surviving AIDS 43721is trying to convince your parents that you're Haitian. 43722% 43723The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a 43724thing and to watch someone else doing it wrong, without commenting. 43725 -- T.H. White 43726% 43727The most difficult years of marriage are those following the wedding. 43728% 43729The most disagreeable thing that your worst enemy says to your face does 43730not approach what your best friends say behind your back. 43731 -- Alfred De Musset 43732% 43733The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new 43734discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..." 43735 -- Isaac Asimov 43736% 43737The most exquisite peak in culinary art is conquered when you do right by a 43738ham, for a ham, in the very nature of the process it has undergone since last 43739it walked on its own feet, combines in its flavor the tang of smoky autumnal 43740woods, the maternal softness of earthy fields delivered of their crop children, 43741the wineyness of a late sun, the intimate kiss of fertilizing rain, and the 43742bite of fire. You must slice it thin, almost as thin as this page you hold 43743in your hands. The making of a ham dinner, like the making of a gentleman, 43744starts a long, long time before the event. 43745 -- W.B. Courtney, "Reflections of Maryland Country Ham", 43746 from "Congress Eate It Up" 43747% 43748...the most exquisitely squalid hells known to middle-class man: 43749freshman English at a Midwestern university. 43750 -- Tom Wolfe 43751% 43752The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union 43753of a deaf man to a blind woman. 43754 -- Samuel Taylor Coleridge 43755% 43756The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise. 43757% 43758The most important early product on the way 43759to developing a good product is an imperfect version. 43760% 43761The most important service rendered by the press is that of educating 43762people to approach printed matter with distrust. 43763% 43764The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman 43765is that one of them be good at taking orders. 43766 -- Linda Festa 43767% 43768The most important things, each person must do for himself. 43769% 43770The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money. 43771 -- Joey Adams, "Cindy and I" 43772% 43773The most recent attempt to revive the moribund campus left, a national 43774conference held at Rutgers University February 5-7, ended when the 43775participants decided that they were too racist to found a new national 43776organization. 43777 The stated goal of the conference was the formation of a national 43778organization that would "give expression to a shared consciousness." The 43779orientation materials declared that this was "a historic moment" -- you 43780know, like Port Huron and the Sixties -- and the Rutgers host committee had 43781every reason to expect their goal would be accomplished. 43782 But it was not to be. Given that this was a conference of *New* 43783New Leftists, reason had nothing to do with it. 43784 A revealing article by Vania del Borgo and Maria Margaronis in "The 43785Nation", ["Beyond the Fragments," 3/26/88] says "The defining moment of the 43786weekend came when the conference was almost at its end. On Sunday morning, 43787a twenty-five-member students of color caucus confronted the assembled body 43788with its overwhelming whiteness..." Joined by the Gay & Bisexual Caucus, the 43789Students of Color Caucus declared that the founding of such an overwhelmingly 43790white organization would itself constitute a racist act. The four hundred or 43791so leftist activists were told that they had no right to ratify a constitution 43792or elect any officers. While recognizing "the need to examine the real 43793possibilities of a broad-based, racially diverse student movement" and paying 43794lip service to the need for "dialogue," they threatened to walk out if their 43795demands were not met. As *The Nation* article describes the scene: "To their 43796astonishment, their intervention was greeted with a standing ovation." Handed 43797an ultimatum which demanded that they disband, this would-be successor to the 43798radical student movements of the Sixties promptly voted itself out of 43799existence. As del Borgo and Margaronis put it, "After much chaotic discussion 43800and a confused voice vote, the convention suspended all its other work and 43801broke into regional groups to discuss 'outreach.'" 43802 -- Libertarian Agenda, May 1988 43803% 43804The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she 43805served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never 43806been found. 43807 -- Calvin Trillin 43808% 43809The most serious doubt that has been thrown on the authenticity of the 43810biblical miracles is the fact that most of the witnesses in regard to 43811them were fishermen. 43812 -- Arthur Binstead 43813% 43814The Most Unsuccessful Version Of The Bible 43815 The most exciting version of the Bible was printed in 1631 by Robert 43816Barker and Martin Lucas, the King's printers at London. It contained 43817several mistakes, but one was inspired -- the word "not" was omitted from 43818the Seventh Commandment and enjoined its readers, on the highest authority, 43819to commit adultery. 43820 Fearing the popularity with which this might be received in remote 43821country districts, King Charles I called all 1,000 copies back in and fined 43822the printers L3,000. 43823 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 43824% 43825The most winning woman I ever knew was hanged for poisoning three little 43826children for their insurance money. 43827 -- Sherlock Holmes 43828% 43829The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on. 43830% 43831The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ, 43832 Moves on: nor all they Piety nor Wit 43833Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line, 43834 Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it. 43835% 43836The myth of romantic love holds that once you've fallen in love with the 43837perfect partner, you're home free. Unfortunately, falling out of love 43838seems to be just as involuntary as falling into it. 43839% 43840The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt. 43841 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost" 43842% 43843The nation that controls magnetism controls the universe. 43844 -- Chester Gould/Dick Tracy 43845% 43846The nearer to the church, the further from God. 43847 -- John Heywood 43848% 43849The net is like a vast sea of lutefisk with tiny dinosaur brains embedded 43850in it here and there. Any given spoonful will likely have an IQ of 1, but 43851occasional spoonfuls may have an IQ more than six times that! 43852 -- James 'Kibo' Parry 43853% 43854The net of law is spread so wide, 43855No sinner from its sweep may hide. 43856Its meshes are so fine and strong, 43857They take in every child of wrong. 43858O wondrous web of mystery! 43859Big fish alone escape from thee! 43860 -- James Jeffrey Roche 43861% 43862The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around. 43863I hope I don't get run over again. 43864% 43865The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 43866doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. 43867% 43868THE NEW RIGHT: 43869 A javelin team that elects to receive. 43870% 43871The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory, 43872in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system. 43873 43874 But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay: 43875 for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil. 43876 43877 -- Matthew 5:37 43878% 43879The next person to mention spaghetti stacks 43880to me is going to have his head knocked off. 43881 -- Bill Conrad 43882% 43883The next thing I say to you will be true. 43884The last thing I said was false. 43885% 43886The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people. 43887 -- Lucille S. Harper 43888% 43889The nice thing about standards 43890is that there are so many of them to choose from. 43891 -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum 43892% 43893The nicest thing about the Alto is that it doesn't run faster at night. 43894% 43895The night passes quickly when you're asleep 43896But I'm out shufflin' for something to eat 43897... 43898Breakfast at the Egg House, 43899Like the waffle on the griddle, 43900I'm burnt around the edges, 43901But I'm tender in the middle. 43902 -- Adrian Belew 43903% 43904The notes blatted skyward as the rose over the Canada geese, feathered 43905rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically pedaling unseen 43906bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by cruel Nature's maxim, 43907'Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,' and at last I knew Pittsburgh. 43908 -- Winning sentence, 1987 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. 43909% 43910The notion of a "record" is an obsolete 43911remnant of the days of the 80-column card. 43912 -- D.M. Ritchie 43913% 43914The number of computer scientists in a room is inversely 43915proportional to the number of bugs in their code. 43916% 43917The number of feet in a yard is directly proportional to the success 43918of the barbecue. 43919% 43920The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine 43921increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice. 43922% 43923The number of UNIX installations has grown to 10, with more expected. 43924 -- The Unix Programmer's Manual, 2nd Edition, June 1972 43925% 43926The NY Times is read by the people who run the country. The Washington Post 43927is read by the people who think they run the country. The National Enquirer 43928is read by the people who think Elvis is alive and running the country. 43929 -- Robert Woodhead 43930% 43931The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly analyze 43932all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their occurrence, have 43933answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve these problems 43934when called upon. 43935 However... 43936When you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to remind 43937yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp. 43938% 43939The odds are a million to one against your being one in a million. 43940% 43941The Official Colorado State Vegetable is now the "state legislator". 43942% 43943The Official MBA Handbook on business cards: 43944 43945 Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the 43946 Realm, Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director 43947 of Corporate Planning." 43948% 43949The Official MBA Handbook on doing company business on an airplane: 43950 43951 Do not work openly on top-secret company cost documents unless 43952 you have previously ascertained that the passenger next to you 43953 is blind, a rock musician on mood-ameliorating drugs, or the 43954 unfortunate possessor of a forty-seventh chromosome. 43955% 43956The Official MBA Handbook on the use of sunlamps: 43957 43958 Use a sunlamp only on weekends. That way, if the office wise guy 43959 remarks on the sudden appearance of your tan, you can fabricate 43960 some story about a sun-stroked weekend at some island Shangri-La 43961 like Caneel Bay. Nothing is more transparent than leaving the 43962 office at 11:45 on a Tuesday night, only to return an Aztec sun 43963 god at 8:15 the next morning. 43964% 43965The old complaint that mass culture is designed for eleven-year-olds 43966is of course a shameful canard. The key age has traditionally been 43967more like fourteen. 43968 -- Robert Christgau, "Esquire" 43969% 43970The old man had lived all his life in a little house on the Vermont side of the 43971New Hampshire-Vermont border. One day, the surveyors came to inform him that 43972they had just discovered that he lived in New Hampshire, not Vermont. 43973 "Thank heavens!" was his heartfelt reply. "I don't think I could have 43974taken another one of those damned Vermont winters!" 43975% 43976THE OLD POOL SHOOTER had won many a game in his life. But now it was time 43977to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing go the 43978floor. 43979 43980"Sorry," he said with a smile. 43981 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 43982% 43983The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy. 43984% 43985The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. 43986Let the reader catch his own breath. 43987 -- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart 43988% 43989The older I grow, the more I distrust the 43990familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom. 43991 -- H.L. Mencken 43992% 43993The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a necessity. 43994 -- Oscar Wilde 43995% 43996The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut. 43997% 43998The one good thing about repeating your 43999mistakes is that you know when to cringe. 44000% 44001The one L lama, he's a priest 44002The two L llama, he's a beast 44003And I will bet my silk pyjama 44004There isn't any three L lllama. 44005 -- O. Nash, to which a fire chief replied that occasionally 44006 his department responded to something like a "three L lllama." 44007% 44008The One Page Principle: 44009 A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch paper 44010 cannot be understood. 44011 -- Mark Ardis 44012% 44013The one sure way to make a lazy man look 44014respectable is to put a fishing rod in his hand. 44015% 44016The only alliance I would make with the Women's Liberation Movement is in bed. 44017 -- Abbey Hoffman 44018% 44019The only certainty is that nothing is certain. 44020 -- Pliny the Elder 44021% 44022The only constant is change. 44023% 44024The only cultural advantage LA has over NY is that you can make a 44025right turn on a red light. 44026 -- Woody Allen 44027% 44028The only difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman is 44029that the car salesman knows he's lying. 44030% 44031The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions. 44032% 44033The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that 44034every saint has a past and every sinner has a future. 44035 -- Oscar Wilde 44036% 44037The only difference in the game of love over the last few 44038thousand years is that they've changed trumps from clubs to diamonds. 44039 -- The Indianapolis Star 44040% 44041The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look 44042respectable. 44043 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 44044% 44045The only happiness lies in reason; all the rest of the world is dismal. 44046The highest reason, however, I see in the work of the artist, and he may 44047experience it as such. Happiness lies in the swiftness of feeling and 44048thinking: all the rest of the world is slow, gradual and stupid. Whoever 44049could feel the course of a light ray would be very happy, for it is very 44050swift. Thinking of oneself gives little happiness. If, however, one feels 44051much happiness in this, it is because at bottom one is not thinking of 44052oneself but of one's ideal. This is far, and only the swift shall reach 44053it and are delighted. 44054 -- Nietzsche 44055% 44056The only "ism" Hollywood believes in is plagiarism. 44057 -- Dorothy Parker 44058% 44059The only justification for our concepts and systems of concepts is 44060that they serve to represent the complex of our experiences; 44061beyond this they have not legitimacy. 44062 -- Einstein. 44063% 44064The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away 44065is your husband. 44066% 44067The only people for me are the mad ones -- the ones who are mad to live, 44068mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, 44069the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn 44070like fabulous yellow Roman candles. 44071 -- Jack Kerouac, "On the Road" 44072% 44073The only people who make love all the time are liars. 44074 -- Louis Jordan 44075% 44076The only perfect science is hind-sight. 44077% 44078The only person to get all of his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe. 44079% 44080The only person who always got his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe. 44081% 44082The only possible interpretation of any research 44083whatever in the "social sciences" is: some do, some don't. 44084% 44085The only possible interpretation of any research 44086whatever in the 'social sciences' is: some do, some don't. 44087 -- Ernest Rutherford 44088% 44089The only problem with being a man of leisure 44090is that you can never stop and take a rest. 44091% 44092The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane. 44093 -- Phaedrus 44094% 44095The only promotion rules I can think of are that a sense of shame is to 44096be avoided at all costs and there is never any reason for a hustler to 44097be less cunning than more virtuous men. Oh yes ... whenever you think 44098you've got something really great, add ten per cent more. 44099 -- Bill Veeck 44100% 44101The only qualities for real success in journalism are ratlike cunning, a 44102plausible manner and a little literary ability. The capacity to steal 44103other people's ideas and phrases ... is also invaluable. 44104 -- Nicolas Tomalin, "Stop the Press, I Want to Get On" 44105% 44106The only real advantage to punk music is that nobody can whistle it. 44107% 44108The only real argument for marriage is that it remains the best method 44109for getting acquainted. 44110 -- Heywood Broun 44111% 44112The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon. 44113 -- C. Schultz 44114% 44115The only really masterful noise a man makes in a house is the noise 44116of his key, when he is still on the landing, fumbling for the lock. 44117 -- Colette 44118% 44119The only reward of virtue is virtue. 44120 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 44121% 44122The only rose without thorns is friendship. 44123% 44124The only thing better than love is milk. 44125% 44126The only thing cheaper than hardware is talk. 44127% 44128The only thing that experience teaches us is that experience teaches 44129us nothing. 44130 -- Andre Maurois (Emile Herzog) 44131% 44132The only thing that stops God from sending a second Flood is that 44133the first one was useless. 44134 -- Nicolas Chamfort 44135% 44136The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. 44137It is never any use to oneself. 44138 -- Oscar Wilde 44139% 44140The only thing we learn from history is that we do not learn. 44141 -- Earl Warren 44142 44143That men do not learn very much from history is the most important of all 44144the lessons that history has to teach. 44145 -- Aldous Huxley 44146 44147We learn from history that we do not learn from history. 44148 -- Georg Hegel 44149 44150HISTORY: Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we learn 44151nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from what happened 44152this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long view. 44153 -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab" 44154% 44155The only time a dog gets complimented is when he doesn't do anything. 44156 -- C. Schultz 44157% 44158The only two things that motivate me and that matter to me are revenge 44159and guilt. 44160 -- Elvis Costello 44161% 44162The only way to amuse some people 44163is to slip and fall on an icy pavement. 44164% 44165The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. 44166 -- Oscar Wilde 44167% 44168The only way to keep you health is to eat what you don't want, 44169drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not. 44170 -- Mark Twain 44171% 44172The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky. 44173 -- David Gerrold 44174% 44175The onset and the waning of love make themselves felt 44176in the uneasiness experienced at being alone together. 44177 -- Jean de la Bruyere 44178% 44179The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up 44180until 5 or 6 PM. 44181% 44182The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. 44183It doesn't even get up until 5 or 6 pm. 44184% 44185The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite 44186of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. 44187 -- Niels Bohr 44188% 44189The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. 44190 -- Bohr 44191% 44192The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is 44193waiting. 44194 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 44195% 44196The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds, 44197and the pessimist knows it. 44198 -- J. Robert Oppenheimer, "Bulletin of Atomic Scientists" 44199 44200Yet creeds mean very little, Coth answered the dark god, still speaking 44201almost gently. The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all 44202possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true. 44203 -- James Cabell, "The Silver Stallion" 44204% 44205The optimum committee has no members. 44206 -- Norman Augustine 44207% 44208The opulence of the front office door varies 44209inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm. 44210% 44211The orders come down and they march us away. 44212There's a battle outside and we join in the fray. 44213God, it's hell when you know this could be your last day, 44214But it's better than working for Xerox. 44215 -- Frank Hayes, "Don't Ask" 44216% 44217The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me. 44218 -- Steven Wright 44219% 44220The other line moves faster. 44221% 44222The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France on 44223a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance 44224with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke French and he only spoke 44225English, so each couldn't understand a word the other spoke. He took out a 44226pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a coach. She smiled, nodded her 44227head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a 44228table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to 44229dinner. After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They 44230went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious 44231evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew 44232a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and to this day has 44233never be able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business. 44234% 44235The part of the world that people find most puzzling is the part called "Me". 44236% 44237The party adjourned to a hot tub, yes. Fully clothed, I might add. 44238 -- IBM employee, testifying in California State Supreme Court 44239% 44240The passionate young thing was having a difficult time getting across what 44241she wanted from her rather dense boyfriend. Finally she asked, 44242 "Would you like to see where I was operated on for appendicitis?" 44243 "Gosh, no!" he replied. "I hate hospitals." 44244% 44245The past always looks better than it was. 44246It's only pleasant because it isn't here. 44247 -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley) 44248% 44249The people sensible enough to give 44250good advice are usually sensible enough to give none. 44251% 44252The perfect friend sees the best in you -- sees it constantly -- 44253not just when you occasionally are that way, but also when you 44254waver, when you forget yourself, act like less than you are. 44255In time, you become more like his vision of you -- which is the 44256person you have always wanted to be. 44257 -- Nancy Friday 44258% 44259The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 A.M. 44260 -- Charles Pierce 44261% 44262The perfect man is the true partner. Not a bed partner nor a fun partner, 44263but a man who will shoulder burdens equally with [you] and possess that 44264quality of joy. 44265 -- Erica Jong 44266% 44267The person who can smile when something 44268goes wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. 44269% 44270The person who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything. 44271% 44272The person who marries for money usually earns every penny of it. 44273% 44274The person who's taking you to lunch has no intention of paying. 44275% 44276The person you rejected yesterday could make you happy, if you say yes. 44277% 44278The personal computer market is about the same size as the total potato chip 44279market. Next year it will be about half the size of the pet food market and 44280is fast approaching the total worldwide sales of pantyhose" 44281 -- James Finke, Commodore Int'l Ltd., 1982 44282% 44283The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated by the fact that, 44284when exposed to the same atmosphere, bread becomes hard while crackers 44285become soft. 44286% 44287The philosopher's treatment of a question 44288is like the treatment of an illness. 44289 -- Wittgenstein. 44290% 44291The Phone Booth Rule: 44292 A lone dime always gets the number nearly right. 44293% 44294The Pig, if I am not mistaken, 44295Gives us ham and pork and Bacon. 44296Let others think his heart is big, 44297I think it stupid of the Pig. 44298% 44299The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter swang 44300and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the batter 44301connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The center 44302fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute his eyes were 44303blound by the sun and he dropped it. 44304 -- Dizzy Dean 44305% 44306The plural of spouse is spice. 44307% 44308The Poems, all three hundred of them, 44309may be summed up in one of their phrases: 44310"Let our thoughts be correct". 44311 -- Confucius 44312% 44313The Poet Whose Badness Saved His Life 44314 The most important poet in the seventeenth century was George 44315Wither. Alexander Pope called him "wretched Wither" and Dryden said of his 44316verse that "if they rhymed and rattled all was well". 44317 In our own time, "The Dictionary of National Biography" notes that his 44318work "is mainly remarkable for its mass, fluidity and flatness. It usually 44319lacks any genuine literary quality and often sinks into imbecile doggerel". 44320 High praise, indeed, and it may tempt you to savour a typically 44321rewarding stanza: It is taken from "I loved a lass" and is concerned with 44322the higher emotions. 44323 She would me "Honey" call, 44324 She'd -- O she'd kiss me too. 44325 But now alas! She's left me 44326 Falero, lero, loo. 44327 Among other details of his mistress which he chose to immortalize 44328was her prudent choice of footwear. 44329 The fives did fit her shoe. 44330 In 1639 the great poet's life was endangered after his capture by 44331the Royalists during the English Civil War. When Sir John Denham, the 44332Royalist poet, heard of Wither's imminent execution, he went to the King and 44333begged that his life be spared. When asked his reason, Sir John replied, 44334"Because that so long as Wither lived, Denham would not be accounted the 44335worst poet in England." 44336 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 44337% 44338The poetry of heroism appeals irresistibly to those who don't go to a war, 44339and even more so to those whom the war is making enormously wealthy." 44340 -- Celine 44341% 44342The point is, you see, that there is no point in driving yourself mad 44343trying to stop yourself going mad. You might just as well give in and 44344save your sanity for later. 44345% 44346The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish to be 44347addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified. But it is equally 44348important to accept and tolerate different standards of courtesy, not 44349expecting everyone else to adapt to one's own preferences. Only then can 44350we hope to restore the insult to its proper social function of expressing 44351true distaste. 44352 -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly 44353 Correct Behavior" 44354% 44355The politician is someone who deals in man's problems of adjustment. 44356To ask a politician to lead us is to ask the tail of a dog to lead the dog. 44357 -- Buckminster Fuller 44358% 44359The pollution's at that awkward stage. 44360Too thick to navigate and too thin to cultivate. 44361 -- Doug Sneyd 44362% 44363The possession of a book becomes a substitute for reading it. 44364 -- Anthony Burgess 44365% 44366The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor 44367prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, 44368or to the people. 44369 -- U.S. Constitution, Amendment 10. (Bill of Rights) 44370% 44371The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher, 44372 Were each of them once a kiddie. 44373A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature. 44374 Do I want one? God Forbiddie! 44375 -- Ogden Nash 44376% 44377The president publicly apologized today to all those offended by his brother's 44378remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than there is Jews!". Those 44379offended include Arabs, Jews, and English teachers. 44380 -- Channel 11 News, Baltimore, on Billy Carter 44381% 44382The prettiest women are almost always the most 44383boring, and that is why some people feel there is no God. 44384 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 44385% 44386The price of greatness is responsibility. 44387% 44388The price of success in philosophy is triviality. 44389 -- C. Glymour. 44390% 44391The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate 44392knowledge of its ugly side. 44393 -- James Baldwin 44394% 44395The primary function of the design engineer is to make things 44396difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman. 44397% 44398The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants; 44399instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the 44400variable PI can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead 44401of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the 44402program, should the value of pi change. 44403 -- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers 44404% 44405The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO" 44406represents the secondary theme: 44407 44408 Law Enforcement Officials 44409 44410The overall theme of SoupCon shall be: 44411 44412 Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials 44413 -- M. Gallaher 44414% 44415The probability of someone watching you is directly 44416proportional to the stupidity of your action. 44417% 44418The problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed, 44419a problem, but not the problem we thought was the problem. 44420 -- Mike Smith 44421% 44422The problem with any unwritten law is that 44423you don't know where to go to erase it. 44424 -- Glaser and Way 44425% 44426The problem with graduate students, in general, is that they have 44427to sleep every few days. 44428% 44429The problem with me is that I am fifty or one hundred years ahead of my 44430time. My speed is very fast. Some ministers have had to drop out of my 44431government because they could not keep up. 44432 -- Idi Amin Dada 44433% 44434The problem with most conspiracy theories is that they seem to believe that 44435for a group of people to behave in a way detrimental to the common good 44436requires intent. 44437% 44438The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can 44439be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues. 44440 -- Elizabeth Taylor 44441% 44442The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 44443% 44444The problem with this country is that there is no death penalty 44445for incompetence. 44446% 44447The problems of business administration in general, and database management in 44448particular are much to difficult for people that think in IBMese, compounded 44449with sloppy english. 44450 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 44451% 44452The profession of book writing makes horse racing seem like a solid, 44453stable business. 44454 -- John Steinbeck 44455% 44456The program isn't debugged until the last user is dead. 44457% 44458The programmers of old were mysterious and profound. We cannot fathom their 44459thoughts, so all we do is describe their appearance. 44460 Aware, like a fox crossing the water. Alert, like a general on the 44461battlefield. Kind, like a hostess greeting her guests. Simple, like uncarved 44462blocks of wood. Opaque, like black pools in darkened caves. 44463 Who can tell the secrets of their hearts and minds? 44464 The answer exists only in the Tao. 44465% 44466The proof of the pudding is in the eating. 44467 -- Miguel de Cervantes 44468% 44469The proof that IBM didn't invent the car is that it has a steering wheel 44470and an accelerator instead of spurs and ropes, to be compatible with a 44471horse. 44472 -- Jac Goudsmit 44473% 44474The propriety of some persons seems to consist in having improper 44475thoughts about their neighbours. 44476 -- F.H. Bradley 44477% 44478The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's 44479outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by mistake 44480since its colors are those of the London Reform Club. Once tied around its 44481victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims the insurance before 44482running off to Germany where it lives in hiding. 44483 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 44484% 44485The public demands certainties; it must be told definitely and a bit 44486raucously that this is true and that is false. But there are no 44487certainties. 44488 -- H.L. Mencken, "Prejudice" 44489% 44490The Public is merely a multiplied "me." 44491 -- Mark Twain 44492% 44493The Puritan hated bear-baiting, not because it gave pain to the bear, but 44494because it gave pleasure to the spectators. 44495 -- Thomas Macaulay, "History of England" 44496% 44497The purpose of Physics 7A is to make the engineers realize that they're 44498not perfect, and to make the rest of the people realize that they're not 44499engineers. 44500% 44501"The pyramid is opening!" 44502"Which one?" 44503"The one with the ever-widening hole in it!" 44504% 44505The quality of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder. 44506% 44507The Queen is most anxious to enlist every one who can speak or write to 44508join in checking this mad, wicked folly of "Woman's Rights", with all its 44509attendant horrors, on which her poor feeble sex is bent, forgetting every 44510sense of womanly feeling and propriety. Lady-- ought to get a good 44511whipping. It is a subject which makes the Queen so furious that she cannot 44512contain herself. God created men and women different -- then let them 44513remain each in their own position. 44514 -- Letter to Sir Theodore Martin, 29 May 1870, from 44515 Queen Victoria 44516% 44517The question of whether computers can think is just like the question of 44518whether submarines can swim. 44519 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 44520% 44521The questions remain the same. 44522The answers are eternally variable. 44523% 44524The Rabbits The Cow 44525Here is a verse about rabbits The cow is of the bovine ilk; 44526That doesn't mention their habits. One end is moo, the other, milk. 44527 -- Ogden Nash 44528% 44529The race is not always to the swift, nor the 44530battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet. 44531 -- Damon Runyon 44532% 44533The rain it raineth on the just 44534And also on the unjust fella: 44535But chiefly on the just, because 44536The unjust steals the just's umbrella. 44537 -- Lord Bowen 44538% 44539The Ranger isn't gonna like it, Yogi. 44540% 44541The rate at which a disease spreads through a corn field is a precise 44542measurement of the speed of blight. 44543% 44544The ratio of literacy to illiteracy is a constant, but nowadays the 44545illiterates can read. 44546 -- Alberto Moravia 44547% 44548The real man's Bloody Mary: 44549 Ingredients: vodka, tomato juice, Tabasco, Worcestershire 44550 sauce, A-1 steak sauce, ice, salt, pepper, celery. 44551 44552 Fill a large tumbler with vodka. 44553 Throw all the other ingredients away. 44554% 44555The real problem with hunting elephants carrying the decoys. 44556% 44557The real purpose of books is to trap the mind into doing its own thinking. 44558 -- Christopher Morley 44559% 44560The real reason large families benefit society is because at least 44561a few of the children in the world shouldn't be raised by beginners. 44562% 44563The real reason psychology is hard is that 44564psychologists are trying to do the impossible. 44565% 44566The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music. 44567% 44568The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much. 44569% 44570The reason people sweat is so they won't catch fire when making love. 44571 -- Don Rose 44572% 44573The reason that every major university maintains a department of 44574mathematics is that it's cheaper than institutionalizing all those 44575people. 44576% 44577The reason they're called wisdom teeth 44578is that the experience makes you wise. 44579% 44580The reason why worry kills more people 44581than work is that more people worry than work. 44582% 44583The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one 44584persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress 44585depends on the unreasonable man. 44586 -- George Bernard Shaw 44587% 44588The reasons that each of these countries has had to renege on its 44589financial commitments were all somewhat different: Argentina because of 44590a war, Poland because of its vast misguided overinvestment in heavy 44591industry, Honduras because the coffee price went sour, Zaire because 44592nobody in the government there has a clue as to how to run a country. 44593 -- Paul Erdman's Money Book 44594% 44595The relative importance of files depends on their cost 44596in terms of the human effort needed to regenerate them. 44597 -- T.A. Dolotta 44598% 44599The requirements of romantic love are difficult to satisfy in the trunk 44600of a Dodge Dart. 44601 -- Lisa Alther 44602% 44603The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher 44604Called a hen a most elegant creature. 44605 The hen, pleased with that, 44606 Laid an egg in his hat -- 44607And thus did the hen reward Beecher. 44608 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes 44609% 44610The reverse side also has a reverse side. 44611 -- Japanese proverb 44612% 44613The revolution will not be televised. 44614% 44615The reward for working hard is more hard work. 44616% 44617The reward of a thing well done is to have done it. 44618 -- Emerson 44619% 44620The rich get rich, and the poor get poorer. 44621The haves get more, the have-nots die. 44622% 44623The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. 44624This means that only left handed people are in their right mind. 44625% 44626The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be 44627taken seriously. 44628 -- Hubert Humphrey 44629% 44630The right to be let alone is indeed the beginning of all freedom. 44631 -- Justice Douglas 44632% 44633The rights and interests of the laboring man will be protected and cared 44634for not by our labor agitators, but by the Christian men to whom God in his 44635infinite wisdom has given control of property interests of the country, and 44636upon the successful management of which so much remains. 44637 -- George F. Baer, railroad industrialist 44638% 44639The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the 44640House Un-American Activities Committee]. We will determine what rights 44641you have and what rights you have not got. 44642 -- J. Parnell Thomas 44643% 44644The ripest fruit falls first. 44645 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II" 44646% 44647The road to Hades is easy to travel. 44648 -- Bion 44649% 44650The road to hell is paved with NAND gates. 44651 -- J. Gooding 44652% 44653The road to ruin is always in good repair, 44654and the travellers pay the expense of it. 44655 -- Josh Billings 44656% 44657The Roman Rule 44658 The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the 44659 one who is doing it. 44660% 44661The root of all superstition is that men 44662observe when a thing hits, but not when it misses. 44663 -- Francis Bacon 44664% 44665The rose of yore is but a name, mere names are left to us. 44666% 44667The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in 44668his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on 44669one leg. The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't 44670take it too seriously. 44671 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 44672% 44673The rule is, jam to-morrow and jam yesterday, but never jam today. 44674 -- Lewis Carroll 44675% 44676The rule on staying alive as a forecaster is to give 'em a number or 44677give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once. 44678 -- Jane Bryant Quinn 44679% 44680The rules: 44681 446821: Thou shalt not worship other computer systems. 446832: Thou shalt not impersonate Liberace or eat watermelon while sitting at 44684 the console keyboard. 446853: Thou shalt not slap users on the face, nor staple their silly little 44686 card decks together. 446874: Thou shalt not get physically involved with the computer system, 44688 especially if you're already married. 446895: Thou shalt not use magnetic tapes as frisbees, nor use a disk pack as 44690 a stool to reach another disk pack. 446916: Thou shalt not stare at the blinking lights for more than one 8 hour 44692 shift. 446937: Thou shalt not tell users that you accidentally destroyed their 44694 files/backup just to see the look on their little faces. 446958: Thou shalt not enjoy cancelling a job. 446969: Thou shalt not display firearms in the computer room. 4469710: Thou shalt not push buttons "just to see what happens". 44698% 44699The Russians have put a small ball up in the air. 44700That does not raise my apprehensions one iota. 44701 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower 44702% 44703The salary of the chief executive of the large corporation is not a market 44704award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal 44705gesture by the individual to himself. 44706 -- John Kenneth Galbraith, "Annals of an Abiding Liberal" 44707% 44708The San Diego Freeway. Official Parking Lot of the 1984 Olympics! 44709% 44710The savior becomes the victim. 44711% 44712The scene: in a vast, painted desert, a cowboy faces his horse. 44713 44714Cowboy: "Well, you've been a pretty good hoss, I guess. Hardworkin'. 44715 Not the fastest critter I ever come acrost, but..." 44716 44717Horse: "No, stupid, not feed*back*. I said I wanted a feed*bag*. 44718% 44719The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100 44720showed that all had these things in common: 44721 44722 1) They all had moderate appetites. 44723 2) They all came from middle class homes. 44724 3) All but two of them were dead. 44725% 44726The search for the perfect martini is a fraud. The perfect martini is 44727a belt of gin from the bottle; anything else is the decadent trappings 44728of civilization. 44729 -- T.K. 44730% 44731The second best policy is dishonesty. 44732% 44733The Second Law of Thermodynamics: 44734 If you think things are in a mess now, just wait! 44735 -- Jim Warner 44736% 44737The secret of happiness is total disregard of everybody. 44738% 44739The secret of healthy hitchhiking is to eat junk food. 44740% 44741The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, 44742you've got it made. 44743 -- Jean Giraudoux 44744% 44745The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; 44746there is no humor in Heaven. 44747 -- Mark Twain 44748% 44749The sendmail configuration file is one of those files that looks like someone 44750beat their head on the keyboard. After working with it... I can see why! 44751 -- Harry Skelton 44752% 44753The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood as he 44754reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all. The Gray 44755Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in the palace 44756of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in twenty-five of 44757him are dead, he is alive. 44758 Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached 44759everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a fierce 44760host which out-numbers Lankhamar's inhabitants by fifty to one -- and 44761equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city." 44762 "How?" demanded Fafhrd. 44763 Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know." 44764 -- Fritz Leiber, "The Swords of Lankhmar" 44765% 44766The seven year itch comes from fooling around during the fourth, fifth, 44767and sixth years. 44768% 44769The sheep died in the wool. 44770% 44771The shifts of Fortune test the reliability of friends. 44772 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero 44773% 44774The shortest distance between any two puns is a straight line. 44775% 44776The shortest distance between two points is under construction. 44777 -- Noelie Altito 44778% 44779The Shuttle is now going five times the sound of speed. 44780 -- Dan Rather, first landing of Columbia 44781% 44782The six great gifts of an Irish girl are beauty, soft 44783voice, sweet speech, wisdom, needlework, and chastity. 44784 -- Theodore Roosevelt, 1907 44785% 44786The sixth shiek's sixth sheep's sick. 44787 -- [just say that five times...] 44788% 44789The sky is blue so we know where to stop mowing. 44790 -- Judge Harold T. Stone 44791% 44792The smallest worm will turn being trodden on. 44793 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 44794% 44795The smiling Spring comes in rejoicing, 44796And surly Winter grimly flies. 44797Now crystal clear are the falling waters, 44798And bonnie blue are the sunny skies. 44799Fresh o'er the mountains breaks forth the morning, 44800The ev'ning gilds the oceans's swell: 44801All creatures joy in the sun's returning, 44802And I rejoice in my bonnie Bell. 44803 44804The flowery Spring leads sunny Summer, 44805The yellow Autumn presses near; 44806Then in his turn come gloomy Winter, 44807Till smiling Spring again appear. 44808Thus seasons dancing, life advancing, 44809Old Time and Nature their changes tell; 44810But never ranging, still unchanging, 44811I adore my bonnie Bell. 44812 -- Robert Burns, "My Bonnie Bell" 44813% 44814The so-called "desktop metaphor" of today's workstations is instead an 44815"airplane-seat" metaphor. Anyone who has shuffled a lap full of papers 44816while seated between two portly passengers will recognize the difference -- 44817one can see only a very few things at once. 44818 -- Fred Brooks 44819% 44820The so-called lessons of history are for the most part the 44821rationalizations of the victors. History is written by the survivors. 44822 -- Max Lerner 44823% 44824The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity and 44825tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity will 44826have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy... neither its pipes nor 44827its theories will hold water. 44828% 44829The soldier came knocking upon the queen's door 44830He said, "I am not fighting for you anymore" 44831The queen knew she had seen his face someplace before 44832And slowly she let him inside. 44833 44834He said, "I see you now, and you're so very young 44835But I've seen more battles lost than I have battles won 44836And I have this intuition that it's all for your fun 44837And now will you tell me why?" 44838 -- Suzanne Vega, "The Queen and The Soldier" 44839% 44840The solution of problems is the most characteristic 44841and peculiar sort of voluntary thinking. 44842 -- William James 44843% 44844The solution of this problem is trivial 44845and is left as an exercise for the reader. 44846% 44847The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem. 44848 -- Peer 44849% 44850The somewhat old and crusty vicar was taking a well-earned retirement from 44851his rather old and crusty parish. As is usual in these cases, a locum was 44852sent to cover the transition period. This particular man was young and 44853active, and had the strange notion that church should also be active and 44854exciting. As a consequence he was more than a little disappointed with the 44855dull and tradition-bound church. He decided to do something about it. 44856 For his first Sunday, he didn't wear the traditional robes and 44857vestments, but lead the service wearing a nice 2-piece suit. The congregation 44858was horrified! He changed the order of the service. The congregation was 44859horrified! Then came the children's lesson. 44860 For this he came out of the pulpit, and sat on the communion table. 44861The congregation was mortified! He sat there swinging his legs against 44862the table as the children gathered around him. 44863 He asked the children, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?" 44864 There was total silence. 44865 He asked again, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?" 44866 Total silence. 44867 Eventually, one timid youngster put up his hand and said, "Please, 44868sir, I know the answer is Jesus, but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me." 44869% 44870The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their money. 44871 -- Ed Bluestone, The National Lampoon 44872% 44873The sooner all the animals are extinct, the sooner we'll find their money. 44874 -- Ed Bluestone 44875% 44876The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up. 44877% 44878The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears. 44879% 44880The sounds of the nouns are mostly unbound. 44881In town a noun might wear a gown, 44882or further down, might dress a clown. 44883A noun that's sound would never clown, 44884but unsound nouns jump up and down. 44885The sound of a noun could distrub the plowing, 44886and then, my dear, you'd be put in the pound. 44887But please don't let that get you down, 44888the renown of your gown is the talk of the town. 44889 -- A. Nonnie Mouse 44890% 44891The Soviet Union, which has complained recently about alleged anti-Soviet 44892themes in American advertising, lodged an official protest this week 44893against the Ford Motor Company's new campaign: "Hey you stinking, fat 44894Russian, get off my Ford Escort." 44895 -- Dennis Miller 44896% 44897The speed of anything depends on the flow of everything. 44898% 44899The spirit of Plato dies hard. We have been unable to escape the 44900philosophical tradition that what we can see and measure in the world 44901is merely the superficial and imperfect representation of an underlying 44902reality. 44903 -- S.J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man" 44904% 44905The star of riches is shining upon you. 44906% 44907The startling truth finally became apparent, and it was this: Numbers 44908written on restaurant checks within the confines of restaurants do not 44909follow the same mathematical laws as numbers written on any other pieces 44910of paper in any other parts of the Universe. This single statement took 44911the scientific world by storm. So many mathematical conferences got held 44912in such good restaurants that many of the finest minds of a generation 44913died of obesity and heart failure, and the science of mathematics was put 44914back by years. 44915 -- Douglas Adams 44916% 44917The state of innocence contains the germs of all future sin. 44918 -- Alexandre Arnoux, "Etudes et caprices" 44919% 44920The steady state of disks is full. 44921 -- Ken Thompson 44922% 44923The story of the butterfly: 44924 "I was in Bogota and waiting for a lady friend. I was in love, 44925a long time ago. I waited three days. I was hungry but could not go 44926out for food, lest she come and I not be there to greet her. Then, on 44927the third day, I heard a knock." 44928 "I hurried along the old passage and there, in the sunlight, 44929there was nothing." 44930 "Just," Vance Joy said, "a butterfly, flying away." 44931 -- Peter Carey, BLISS 44932% 44933The story you are about to hear is true. 44934Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent. 44935% 44936The street preacher looked so baffled 44937When I asked him why he dressed 44938With forty pounds of headlines 44939Stapled to his chest. 44940But he cursed me when I proved to him 44941I said, "Not even you can hide. 44942You see, you're just like me. 44943I hope you're satisfied." 44944 -- Bob Dylan 44945% 44946The streets were dark with something more than night. 44947 -- Raymond Chandler 44948% 44949The strong give up and move away, while the weak give up and stay. 44950% 44951The strong give up and move on, while the weak give up and stay. 44952% 44953The strong individual loves the earth so much he lusts for recurrence. He 44954can smile in the face of the most terrible thought: meaningless, aimless 44955existence recurring eternally. The second characteristic of such a man is 44956that he has the strength to recognise -- and to live with the recognition -- 44957that the world is valueless in itself and that all values are human ones. 44958He creates himself by fashioning his own values; he has the pride to live 44959by the values he wills. 44960 -- Nietzsche 44961% 44962The sudden sight of me causes panic in the streets. They have 44963yet to learn - only the savage fears what he does not understand. 44964 -- The Silver Surfer 44965% 44966The sum of the intelligence of the world is constant. 44967The population is, of course, growing. 44968% 44969The sun never sets on those who ride into it. 44970 -- RKO 44971% 44972The sun was shining on the sea, 44973Shining with all his might: 44974He did his very best to make 44975The billows smooth and bright -- 44976And this was very odd, because it was 44977The middle of the night. 44978 -- Lewis Carroll 44979% 44980The sunlights differ, but there is only one darkness. 44981 -- Ursula K. LeGuin, "The Dispossessed" 44982% 44983The superfluous is very necessary. 44984 -- Voltaire 44985% 44986The superior man understands what is right; 44987the inferior man understands what will sell. 44988 -- Confucius 44989% 44990The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling their 44991way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from the other, 44992whom he assumes to have perfect vision. Each tends to ascribe to the other 44993side a consistency, foresight and coherence that its own experience belies. 44994Of course, even two blind men can do enormous damage to each other, not to 44995speak of the room. 44996 -- Henry Kissinger 44997% 44998The Supreme Court does it with all deliberate speed. 44999% 45000The surest sign that a man is in love is when he divorces his wife. 45001% 45002The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher 45003esteem those who think alike than those who think differently. 45004 -- Nietzsche 45005% 45006The surest way to remain a winner is to 45007win once, and then not play any more. 45008% 45009The sweeter the apple, the blacker the core -- 45010Scratch a lover and find a foe! 45011 -- Dorothy Parker, "Ballad of a Great Weariness" 45012% 45013The system was down for backups from 5am to 10am last Saturday. 45014% 45015The system will be down for 10 days for preventative maintenance. 45016% 45017The Tao doesn't take sides; 45018it gives birth to both wins and losses. 45019The Guru doesn't take sides; 45020she welcomes both hackers and lusers. 45021 45022The Tao is like a stack: 45023the data changes but not the structure. 45024the more you use it, the deeper it becomes; 45025the more you talk of it, the less you understand. 45026 45027Hold on to the root. 45028% 45029The Tao is like a glob pattern: 45030used but never used up. 45031It is like the extern void: 45032filled with infinite possibilities. 45033 45034It is masked but always present. 45035I don't know who built to it. 45036It came before the first kernel. 45037% 45038The tao that can be tar(1)ed 45039is not the entire Tao. 45040The path that can be specified 45041is not the Full Path. 45042 45043We declare the names 45044of all variables and functions. 45045Yet the Tao has no type specifier. 45046 45047Dynamically binding, you realize the magic. 45048Statically binding, you see only the hierarchy. 45049 45050Yet magic and hierarchy 45051arise from the same source, 45052and this source has a null pointer. 45053 45054Reference the NULL within NULL, 45055it is the gateway to all wizardry. 45056% 45057The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer 45058them a drink. 45059 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Interview" 45060% 45061The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed from available 45062data. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon 45063shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, 45064as the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much 45065radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition seven times seven (49) times 45066as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or fifty times in all. The light we 45067receive from the Moon is one ten-thousandth of the light we receive from the 45068Sun, so we can ignore that. With these data we can compute the temperature 45069of Heaven. The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where 45070the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation, 45071i.e., Heaven loses fifty times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using 45072the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute 45073temperature of the earth (-300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact 45074temperature of Hell cannot be computed, but it must be less than 444.6C, the 45075temperature at which brimstone or sulphur changes from a liquid to a gas. 45076Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their 45077part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten 45078brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 45079or 444.6C (Above this point it would be a vapor, not a lake.) We have, 45080then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C. 45081 -- "Applied Optics", vol. 11, A14, 1972 45082% 45083The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled 45084culinary vessel will not achieve 100 degrees on the Celsius scale. 45085% 45086The Ten Commandments for Technicians: 45087 1: Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged 45088 capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a 45089 most untechnician-like manner. 45090 45091 7: Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy 45092 fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console 45093 her in other ways. 45094% 45095The term "fire" brings up visions of violence and mayhem and the ugly scene 45096of shooting employees who make mistakes. We will now refer to this process 45097as "deleting" an employee (much as a file is deleted from a disk). The 45098employee is simply there one instant, and gone the next. All the terrible 45099temper tantrums, crying, and threats are eliminated. 45100 -- Kenny's Korner 45101% 45102The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed 45103ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function. 45104 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald 45105% 45106The test of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. 45107 -- Aldo Leopold 45108% 45109The thing that takes up the least amount of time 45110and causes the most amount of trouble is sex. 45111% 45112The things that interest people most are usually none of their business. 45113% 45114The Third Law of Photography: 45115 If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined 45116 when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of 45117 the dark leaks out. 45118% 45119The thought of being President fightens me and I do not think I 45120want the job. 45121 -- Ronald Reagan in 1973 45122 45123Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. Had he run unopposed he 45124would have lost. 45125 -- Mort Sahl 45126 45127Ronald Reagan is a triumph of the embalmer's art. 45128 -- Gore Vidal 45129 45130Ronald Reagan's platform seems to be: Hey, I'm a big good-looking guy and 45131I need a lot of sleep. 45132 -- Roy G. Blount, Jr. 45133 45134You've got to be careful quoting Ronald Reagan, because when you quote him 45135accurately it's called mudslinging. 45136 -- Walter Mondale 45137% 45138The Thought Police are here. They've come 45139To put you under cardiac arrest. 45140And as they drag you through the door 45141They tell you that you've failed the test. 45142 -- Buggles, "Living in the Plastic Age" 45143% 45144The three best things about going to school are June, July, and August. 45145% 45146The three biggest software lies: 45147 45148 1: *Of course* we'll give you a copy of the source. 45149 2: *Of course* the third party vendor we bought that from 45150 will fix the microcode. 45151 3: Beta test site? No, *of course* you're not a beta test site. 45152% 45153The three laws of thermodynamics: 45154 (1) You can't get anything without working for it. 45155 (2) The most you can accomplish by working is to break even. 45156 (3) You can only break even at absolute zero. 45157% 45158THE THREE MOST COMMONLY-ASKED QUESTIONS AT DISNEYLAND: 45159 451601) Where's the bathroom? 451612) What time does the parade start? 451623) Do you sell anything without that damn mouse on it? 45163% 45164The three questions of greatest concern are -- 1. Is it attractive? 451652. Is it amusing? 3. Does it know its place? 45166 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" 45167% 45168The three rules of international air travel: 45169 45170(1) Never fly on Aeroflot if you can possibly avoid it (this used 45171 to be Braniff or Aeroflot). 45172(2) Never bet a whole lot of money on two little pairs unless you 45173 know *exactly* what you're doing. 45174(3) Never sleep with anyone whose troubles are worse than your own. 45175% 45176The thrill is here, but it won't last long 45177You'd better have your fun before it moves along... 45178% 45179The time for action is past! 45180Now is the time for senseless bickering. 45181% 45182The time is right to make new friends. 45183% 45184The time spent on any item of the agenda [of a finance 45185committee] will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved. 45186 -- C.N. Parkinson 45187% 45188The time was the 19th of May, 1780. The place was Hartford, Connecticut. 45189The day has gone down in New England history as a terrible foretaste of 45190Judgement Day. For at noon the skies turned from blue to grey and by 45191mid-afternoon had blackened over so densely that, in that religious age, 45192men fell on their knees and begged a final blessing before the end came. 45193The Connecticut House of Representatives was in session. And, as some of 45194the men fell down and others clamored for an immediate adjournment, the 45195Speaker of the House, one Col. Davenport, came to his feet. He silenced 45196them and said these words: "The day of judgment is either approaching or 45197it is not. If it is not, there is no cause for adjournment. If it is, I 45198choose to be found doing my duty. I wish therefore that candles may be 45199brought." 45200 -- Alistair Cooke 45201% 45202The tree in which the sap is stagnant remains fruitless. 45203 -- Hosea Ballou 45204% 45205The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad. 45206% 45207The tree of research must from time to time 45208be refreshed with the blood of bean counters. 45209 -- Alan Kay 45210% 45211The trouble is, there is an endless supply of White Men, 45212but there has always been a limited number of Human Beings. 45213 -- Little Big Man 45214% 45215The trouble with a lot of self-made men is that they worship their creator. 45216% 45217The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time. 45218% 45219The trouble with being punctual is that people 45220think you have nothing more important to do. 45221% 45222The trouble with computers is that they do 45223what you tell them, not what you want. 45224 -- D. Cohen 45225% 45226The trouble with doing something right the first 45227time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was. 45228% 45229The trouble with eating Italian food is that 45230five or six days later you're hungry again. 45231 -- George Miller 45232% 45233The trouble with heart disease is that the first 45234symptom is often hard to deal with: death. 45235 -- Michael Phelps 45236% 45237The trouble with incest is that it gets you involved with relatives. 45238 -- George S. Kaufman 45239% 45240The trouble with money is it costs too much! 45241% 45242The trouble with opportunity is that it 45243always comes disguised as hard work. 45244 -- Herbert V. Prochnow 45245% 45246The trouble with some women is that they get 45247all excited about nothing -- and then marry him. 45248 -- Cher 45249% 45250The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds 45251the other fellow of a dull one. 45252 -- Sid Caesar 45253% 45254The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat. 45255 -- Lily Tomlin 45256% 45257The trouble with this country is that there are too many politicians 45258who believe, with a conviction based on experience, that you can fool 45259all of the people all of the time. 45260 -- Franklin Adams 45261% 45262The trouble with you 45263Is the trouble with me. 45264Got two good eyes 45265But we still don't see. 45266 -- Robert Hunter, "Workingman's Dead" 45267% 45268The true way goes over a rope which is not stretched at any great 45269height but just above the ground. It seems more designed to make 45270people stumble than to be walked upon. 45271 -- Franz Kafka 45272% 45273The truth about a man lies first and foremost in what he hides. 45274 -- Andre Malraux 45275% 45276The truth is rarely pure, and never simple. 45277 -- Oscar Wilde 45278% 45279The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility. 45280And vice versa. 45281% 45282The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it. 45283 -- Stanley Kubrick 45284% 45285The Truth Shall Rape You Over. 45286 -- Caltech 45287% 45288The truth you speak has no past and no future. 45289It is, and that's all it needs to be. 45290% 45291The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks 45292Which practically conceal its sex. 45293I think it clever of the turtle 45294In such a fix to be so fertile. 45295 -- O. Nash 45296% 45297The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed." 45298 -- Dorothy Parker 45299% 45300The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. 45301% 45302The two most common things in the Universe are hydrogen and stupidity. 45303 -- Harlan Ellison 45304% 45305The two oldest professions in the world have been ruined by amateurs. 45306 -- G.B. Shaw 45307% 45308The two party system ... is a triumph of the dialectic. It showed that 45309two could be one and one could be two and had probably been fabricated 45310by Hegel for the American market on a subcontract from General Dynamics. 45311 -- I.F. Stone 45312% 45313The two things that can get you into trouble 45314quicker than anything else are fast women and slow horses. 45315% 45316The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more 45317annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation. 45318 -- Oscar Wilde 45319% 45320The, uh, snowy mountains are like really cold, eh? 45321And the, um, plains stretch out like my moms girdle, eh? 45322There's lotsa beers and doughnuts for everyone, eh? 45323So the last one to be peaceful and everything is a big idiot, 45324Eh? 45325So shut yer face up and dry yer mucklucks by the fire, eh? 45326And dream about girls with their high beams on, eh? 45327They may be cold, but that's okay! Beer's better that way! 45328Eh? 45329 -- A, like, Tribute to the Great White North, eh? 45330Beauty! 45331% 45332The ultimate game show will be the one 45333where somebody gets killed at the end. 45334 -- Chuck Barris, creator of "The Gong Show" 45335% 45336The unfacts, did we have them, are too 45337imprecisely few to warrant out certitude. 45338% 45339The United States Army; 194 years of proud service, unhampered by progress. 45340% 45341The universe is all a spin-off of the Big Bang. 45342% 45343The universe is an island, 45344surrounded by whatever it is that surrounds universes. 45345% 45346The universe is laughing behind your back. 45347% 45348The Universe is populated by stable things. 45349 -- Richard Dawkins 45350% 45351The universe is ruled by letting things take their course. 45352It cannot be ruled by interfering. 45353 -- Chinese proverb 45354% 45355The universe seems neither benign nor hostile, merely indifferent. 45356 -- Sagan 45357% 45358The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie 45359Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall. Philbin is 45360said to make up for no talent by cheating well. Says Philbin of 45361his decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride." 45362% 45363The University of California Statistics Department; where mean is normal, 45364and deviation standard. 45365% 45366The UNIX philosophy basically involves giving you enough rope to 45367hang yourself. And then a couple of feet more, just to be sure. 45368% 45369The urge to gamble is so universal and its practice so pleasurable 45370that I assume it must be evil. 45371 -- Heywood Broun 45372% 45373The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and 45374religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging 45375from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its 45376yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledegook than the rest of the 45377world put together. 45378 -- Sir Peter Medawar 45379% 45380The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems 45381is a symptom of professional immaturity. 45382 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 45383% 45384The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be 45385regarded as a criminal offence. 45386 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 45387% 45388The use of COBOL cripples the mind; 45389its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense. 45390 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 45391% 45392The use of money is all the advantage there is to having money. 45393 -- B. Franklin 45394% 45395The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output. 45396% 45397The very first essential for success is a perpetually 45398constant and regular employment of violence. 45399 -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf" 45400% 45401The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. Instead of 45402altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their 45403views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the 45404facts that needs altering. 45405 -- Doctor Who, "Face of Evil" 45406% 45407The very remembrance of my former misfortune proves a new one to me. 45408 -- Miguel de Cervantes 45409% 45410The Vet Who Surprised A Cow 45411 In the course of his duties in August 1977, a Dutch veterinary 45412surgeon was required to treat an ailing cow. To investigate its internal 45413gases he inserted a tube into that end of the animal not capable of facial 45414expression and struck a match. The jet of flame set fire first to some 45415bales of hay and then to the whole farm causing damage estimate at L45,000. 45416The vet was later fined L140 for starting a fire in a manner surprising to 45417the magistrates. The cow escaped with shock. 45418 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 45419% 45420The VFW represents many who died to give this country a second chance 45421to make it what it is supposed to be -- God's guest house on earth. 45422 -- John Wayne 45423% 45424The volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases. 45425 -- Jerry Brown 45426% 45427The voluptuous blond was chatting with her handsome escort in a posh 45428restaurant when their waiter, stumbling as he brought their drinks, 45429dumped a martini on the rocks down the back of the blonde's dress. She 45430sprang to her feet with a wild rebel yell, dashed wildly around the table, 45431then galloped wriggling from the room followed by her distraught boyfriend. 45432A man seated on the other side of the room with a date of his own beckoned 45433to the waiter and said, "We'll have two of whatever she was drinking." 45434% 45435The wages of sin are unreported. 45436% 45437The War on Drugs is just a small part of the War on the United States 45438Constitution. 45439% 45440The warning message we sent the Russians was a 45441calculated ambiguity that would be clearly understood. 45442 -- Alexander Haig 45443% 45444The water was not fit to drink. 45445To make it palatable, we had to add whiskey. 45446By diligent effort, I learned to like it. 45447 -- W. Churchill 45448% 45449The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and 45450incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks. 45451 -- Emo Philips 45452% 45453The way of the world is to praise dead saints and prosecute live ones. 45454 -- Nathaniel Howe 45455% 45456The way some people find fault, you'd think there was some kind of reward. 45457% 45458The way to a man's heart is through his 45459wife's belly, and don't you forget it. 45460 -- Edward Albee, "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?" 45461% 45462The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle. 45463% 45464The way to a man's stomach is through his esophagus. 45465% 45466The way to fight a woman is with your hat. Grab it and run. 45467% 45468The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost. 45469% 45470The way to make a small fortune in the 45471commodities market is to start with a large fortune. 45472% 45473The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful. 45474% 45475The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful. 45476My thoughts aren't too clear, but don't run away. 45477My girlfriend's a bore; my job is too dutiful. 45478Hell nobody's perfect, would you like to play? 45479I feel together today! 45480 -- Jimmy Buffet, "Coconut Telegraph" 45481% 45482The weed of crime bears bitter fruit. 45483% 45484The weed of crime bears bitter fruit... 45485but the leaves are good to smoke! 45486 -- The Shadow 45487% 45488The white race is the cancer of history. 45489 -- Susan Sontag 45490% 45491The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak. 45492 -- Wavy Gravy 45493% 45494The whole of life is futile unless you 45495consider it as a sporting proposition. 45496% 45497The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively. 45498 -- Peter Beard 45499% 45500The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes. 45501 -- George Gobel 45502% 45503The whole world is about three drinks behind. 45504 -- Humphrey Bogart 45505% 45506The wise and intelligent are coming belatedly to realize that alcohol, and 45507not the dog, is man's best friend. Rover is taking a beating -- and he 45508should. 45509 -- W.C. Fields 45510% 45511The wise man seeks everything in himself; 45512the ignorant man tries to get everything from somebody else. 45513% 45514The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf. 45515% 45516The woman hurried home from her doctor's appointment, devastated by the 45517medical report she had just received. When her husband came in from work, 45518she told him, "Darling, the doctor said I have only twelve more hours to 45519live. So I've decided I want to go to bed and make passionate love to you 45520throughout the night. How does that sound, dearest?" 45521 "Hey, that's fine for *you*," replied the husband. "You don't have 45522to get up in the morning!" 45523% 45524The wonderful thing about a dancing bear 45525is not how well he dances, but that he dances at all. 45526% 45527The work [of software development] is becoming far easier (i.e. the tools 45528we're using work at a higher level, more removed from machine, peripheral 45529and operating system imperatives) than it was twenty years ago, and because 45530of this, knowledge of the internals of a system may become less accessible. 45531We may be able to dig deeper holes, but unless we know how to build taller 45532ladders, we had best hope that it does not rain much. 45533 -- Paul Licker 45534% 45535The world has many unintentionally cruel mechanisms that are not 45536designed for people who walk on their hands. 45537 -- John Irving, "The World According to Garp" 45538% 45539The world is a comedy to those who think, 45540and a tragedy to those who feel. 45541 -- Horace Walpole 45542% 45543The world is coming to an end... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!! 45544% 45545The world is coming to an end! 45546Repent and return those library books! 45547% 45548The world is full of people who have never, since 45549childhood, met an open doorway with an open mind. 45550 -- E.B. White 45551% 45552The world is moving so fast these days that the man who says 45553it can't be done is generally interrupted by someone doing it. 45554 -- E. Hubbard 45555% 45556The world is not octal despite DEC. 45557% 45558The world is your exercise-book, the pages on which you do your sums. 45559It is not reality, although you can express reality there if you wish. 45560You are also free to write nonsense, or lies, or to tear the pages. 45561 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul 45562% 45563The world needs more people like us and fewer like them. 45564% 45565The world really isn't any worse. 45566It's just that the news coverage is so much better. 45567% 45568The world wants to be deceived. 45569 -- Sebastian Brant 45570% 45571The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out. 45572% 45573The world's as ugly as sin, 45574And almost as delightful 45575 -- Frederick Locker-Lampson 45576% 45577The world's great men have not commonly been great scholars, 45578nor its great scholars great men. 45579 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes 45580% 45581The Worst American Poet 45582 Julia Moore, "the Sweet Singer of Michigan" (1847-1920) was so bad that 45583Mark Twain said her first book gave him joy for 20 years. 45584 Her verse was mainly concerned with violent death -- the great fire 45585of Chicago and the yellow fever epidemic proved natural subjects for her 45586pen. 45587 Whether death was by drowning, by fits or by runaway sleigh, the 45588formula was the same: 45589 Have you heard of the dreadful fate 45590 Of Mr. P.P. Bliss and wife? 45591 Of their death I will relate, 45592 And also others lost their life 45593 (in the) Ashbula Bridge disaster, 45594 Where so many people died. 45595 Even if you started out reasonably healthy in one of Julia's poems, 45596the chances are that after a few stanzas you would be at the bottom of a 45597river or struck by lightning. A critic of the day said she was "worse than 45598a Gatling gun" and in one slim volume counted 21 killed and 9 wounded. 45599 Incredibly, some newspapers were critical of her work, even 45600suggesting that the sweet singer was "semi-literate". Her reply was 45601forthright: "The Editors that has spoken in this scandalous manner have went 45602beyond reason." She added that "literary work is very difficult to do". 45603 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 45604% 45605THE WORST ANIMAL RESCUE 45606 45607During the firemen's strike of 1978, the British Army had taken over 45608emergency firefighting and on 14 January they were called out by an 45609elderly lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped 45610up a tree. They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their 45611duty. So grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea. 45612Driving off later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat 45613and killed it. 45614 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 45615% 45616THE WORST BANK ROBBERY 45617 45618In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank of 45619Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors. They 45620had to be helped free by the staff and, after thanking everyone, 45621sheepishly left the building. 45622A few minutes later they returned and announced their intention of 45623robbing the bank, but none of the staff believed them. When they demanded 456245,000 pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at them, convinced that it 45625was a practical joke. 45626Then one of the men jumped over the counter, but fell to the floor 45627clutching his ankle. The other two tried to make their getaway, but got 45628trapped in the revolving doors again. 45629% 45630The Worst Car Hire Service 45631 When David Schwartz left university in 1972, he set up Rent-a-wreck 45632as a joke. Being a natural prankster, he acquired a fleet of beat-up 45633shabby, wreckages waiting for the scrap heap in California. 45634 He put on a cap and looked forward to watching people's faces as he 45635conducted them round the choice of bumperless, dented junkmobiles. 45636 To his lasting surprise there was an insatiable demand for them and 45637he now has 26 thriving branches all over America. "People like driving 45638round in the worst cars available," he said. Of course they do. 45639 "If a driver damages the side of a car and is honest enough to 45640admit it, I tell him, `Forget it'. If they bring a car back late we 45641overlook it. If they've had a crash and it doesn't involve another vehicle 45642we might overlook that too." 45643 "Where's the ashtray?" asked on Los Angeles wife, as she settled 45644into the ripped interior. "Honey," said her husband, "the whole car's the 45645ash tray." 45646 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 45647% 45648The worst cliques are those which consist of one man. 45649 -- G.B. Shaw 45650% 45651THE WORST HOMING PIGEON 45652 45653This historic bird was released in Pembrokeshire in June 1953 and was 45654expected to reach its base that evening. It was returned by post, dead, 45655in a cardboard box eleven years later from Brazil. 45656 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 45657% 45658The worst is enemy of the bad. 45659% 45660The worst is not so long as we can say "This is the worst." 45661 -- King Lear 45662% 45663The Worst Jury 45664 A murder trial at Manitoba in February 1978 was well advanced, when 45665one juror revealed that he was completely deaf and did not have the 45666remotest clue what was happening. 45667 The judge, Mr. Justice Solomon, asked him if he had heard any 45668evidence at all and, when there was no reply, dismissed him. 45669 The excitement which this caused was only equalled when a second 45670juror revealed that he spoke not a word of English. A fluent French 45671speaker, he exhibited great surprised when told, after two days, that he 45672was hearing a murder trial. 45673 The trial was abandoned when a third juror said that he suffered 45674from both conditions, being simultaneously unversed in the English language 45675and nearly as deaf as the first juror. 45676 The judge ordered a retrial. 45677 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 45678% 45679The Worst Lines of Verse 45680For a start, we can rule out James Grainger's promising line: 45681 "Come, muse, let us sing of rats." 45682Grainger (1721-67) did not have the courage of his convictions and deleted 45683these words on discovering that his listeners dissolved into spontaneous 45684laughter the instant they were read out. 45685 No such reluctance afflicted Adam Lindsay Gordon (1833-70) who was 45686inspired by the subject of war. 45687 "Flash! flash! bang! bang! and we blazed away, 45688 And the grey roof reddened and rang; 45689 Flash! flash! and I felt his bullet flay 45690 The tip of my ear. Flash! bang!" 45691By contrast, Cheshire cheese provoked John Armstrong (1709-79): 45692 "... that which Cestria sends, tenacious paste of solid milk..." 45693While John Bidlake was guided by a compassion for vegetables: 45694 "The sluggard carrot sleeps his day in bed, 45695 The crippled pea alone that cannot stand." 45696George Crabbe (1754-1832) wrote: 45697 "And I was ask'd and authorized to go 45698 To seek the firm of Clutterbuck and Co." 45699William Balmford explored the possibilities of religious verse: 45700 "So 'tis with Christians, Nature being weak 45701 While in this world, are liable to leak." 45702And William Wordsworth showed that he could do it if he really tried when 45703describing a pond: 45704 "I've measured it from side to side; 45705 Tis three feet long and two feet wide." 45706 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 45707% 45708The Worst Musical Trio 45709 There are few bad musicians who have a chance to give a recital at 45710a famous concert hall while still learning the rudiments of their 45711instrument. This happened about thirty years ago to the son of a Rumanian 45712gentleman who was owed a personal favour by Georges Enesco, the celebrated 45713violinist. Enesco agreed to give lessons to the son who was quite 45714unhampered by great musical talent. 45715 Three years later the boy's father insisted that he give a public 45716concert. "His aunt said that nobody plays the violin better than he does. 45717A cousin heard him the other day and screamed with enthusiasm." Although 45718Enesco feared the consequences, he arranged a recital at the Salle Gaveau 45719in Paris. However, nobody bought a ticket since the soloist was unknown. 45720 "Then you must accompany him on the piano," said the boy's father, 45721"and it will be a sell out." 45722 Reluctantly, Enesco agreed and it was. On the night an excited 45723audience gathered. Before the concert began Enesco became nervous and 45724asked for someone to turn his pages. 45725 In the audience was Alfred Cortot, the brilliant pianist, who 45726volunteered and made his way to the stage. 45727 The soloist was of uniformly low standard and next morning the 45728music critic of Le Figaro wrote: "There was a strange concert at the Salle 45729Gaveau last night. The man whom we adore when he plays the violin played 45730the piano. Another whom we adore when he plays the piano turned the pages. 45731But the man who should have turned the pages played the violin." 45732 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 45733% 45734The worst part of having success is trying 45735to find someone who is happy for you. 45736 -- Bette Midler 45737% 45738The worst part of valor is indiscretion. 45739% 45740The Worst Prison Guards 45741 The largest number of convicts ever to escape simultaneously from a 45742maximum security prison is 124. This record is held by Alcoente Prison, 45743near Lisbon in Portugal. 45744 During the weeks leading up to the escape in July 1978 the prison 45745warders had noticed that attendances had fallen at film shows which 45746included "The Great Escape", and also that 220 knives and a huge quantity 45747of electric cable had disappeared. A guard explained, "Yes, we were 45748planning to look for them, but never got around to it." The warders had 45749not, however, noticed the gaping holes in the wall because they were 45750"covered with posters". Nor did they detect any of the spades, chisels, 45751water hoses and electric drills amassed by the inmates in large quantities. 45752The night before the breakout one guard had noticed that of the 36 45753prisoners in his block only 13 were present. He said this was "normal" 45754because inmates sometimes missed roll-call or hid, but usually came back 45755the next morning. 45756 "We only found out about the escape at 6:30 the next morning when 45757one of the prisoners told us," a warder said later. [...] When they 45758eventually checked, the prison guards found that exactly half of the gaol's 45759population was missing. By way of explanation the Justice Minister, Dr. 45760Santos Pais, claimed that the escape was "normal" and part of the 45761"legitimate desire of the prisoner to regain his liberty." 45762 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 45763% 45764The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them, 45765but to be indifferent to them; that's the essence of inhumanity. 45766 -- G.B. Shaw 45767% 45768The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they 45769are sober. 45770 -- William Butler Yeats 45771% 45772The worst thing one can do is not to try, to be aware of what one 45773wants and not give in to it, to spend years in silent hurt wondering 45774if something could have materialized -- and never knowing. 45775 -- David Viscott 45776% 45777The Wright Brothers weren't the first to fly. 45778They were just the first not to crash. 45779% 45780The yankees, son, are up north. 45781The damnyankees are down here. 45782% 45783The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of 45784four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all 45785the answers. 45786% 45787The young Georgia miss came to the hospital for a checkup. 45788 "Have you been X-rayed?" asked the doctor. 45789 "Nope," she said, "but ah've been ultraviolated." 45790% 45791The young lady had an unusual list, 45792Linked in part to a structural weakness. 45793She set no preconditions. 45794% 45795The young man-about-town enjoyed luxury but didn't always have the means 45796to buy it, and so he huffily walked out of the Miami Beach hotel when he 45797found out the charges for room, meals and golf privileges were $300 a day. 45798He registered across the street at an equally elegant hotel, where the 45799rates were only $70. The following morning he went down to the hotel's 45800golf course and asked Scotty, the pro, to sell him a couple of golf balls. 45801"Sure," said Scotty. "That'll be $25 apiece." 45802 "What?" screamed the bachelor. "In the hotel across the street 45803they only charge $1 a ball!" 45804 "Naturally," replied the pro. "Over there they get you by the 45805rooms." 45806% 45807THEGODDESSOFTHENETHASTWISTINGFINGERSANDHERVOICEISLIKEAJAVALININTHENIGHTDUDE 45808% 45809Their idea of an offer you can't refuse is an offer... 45810and you'd better not refuse. 45811% 45812Them as has, gets. 45813% 45814Then, gently touching my face, she hesitated for a moment as her 45815incredible eyes poured forth into mine love, joy, pain, tragedy, 45816acceptance, and peace. "'Bye for now," she said warmly. 45817 -- Thea Alexander, "2150 A.D." 45818% 45819Then there was LSD, which was supposed to make you think you could fly. 45820I remember it made you think you couldn't stand up, and mostly it was 45821right. 45822 -- P.J. O'Rourke 45823% 45824Then there was the Formosan bartender named Taiwan-On. 45825% 45826Then there was the ScoutMaster who got a fantastic deal on this case of 45827Tates brand compasses for his troup; only $1.25 each! Only problem was, 45828when they got them out in the woods, the compasses were all stuck pointing 45829to the "W" on the dial. 45830 45831Moral: 45832 He who has a Tates is lost! 45833% 45834"Then you admit confirming not denying you ever said that?" 45835"NO! ... I mean Yes! WHAT?" 45836"I'll put `maybe.'" 45837 -- Bloom County 45838% 45839Theology is an attempt to explain a subject by men who do not understand 45840it. The intent is not to tell the truth but to satisfy the questioner. 45841 -- Elbert Hubbard 45842% 45843Theorem: a cat has nine tails. 45844Proof: 45845 No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat. 45846 Therefore, a cat has nine tails. 45847% 45848Theorem: All positive integers are equal. 45849Proof: Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B, A = B. 45850 Further, it is sufficient to show that for all N > 0, if A and B 45851 (positive integers) satisfy (MAX(A, B) = N) then A = B. 45852 45853Proceed by induction: 45854 If N = 1, then A and B, being positive integers, must both be 1. 45855 So A = B. 45856 45857Assume that the theorem is true for some value k. Take A and B with 45858 MAX(A, B) = k+1. Then MAX((A-1), (B-1)) = k. And hence 45859 (A-1) = (B-1). Consequently, A = B. 45860% 45861Theorem: All programs are dull. 45862 45863Proof: Assume the contrary; i.e., the set of interesting programs is 45864nonempty. Arrange them (or it) in order of interest (note that all 45865sets can be well ordered, so do it properly). The minimal element is 45866the "least interesting program", the obvious dullness of which provides 45867the contradictory denouement we so devoutly seek. 45868 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 45869% 45870THEORY: 45871 System of ideas meant to explain something, chosen with a view to 45872 originality, controversialism, incomprehensibility, and how good 45873 it will look in print. 45874% 45875Theory is gray, but the golden tree of life is green. 45876 -- Goethe 45877% 45878Theory of Selective Supervision: 45879 The one time in the day that you lean back and relax is 45880 the one time the boss walks through the office. 45881% 45882There appears before you a threatening figure clad all over in heavy black 45883armor. His legs seem like the massive trunk of the oak tree. His broad 45884shoulders and helmeted head loom high over your own puny frame and you 45885realize that his powerful arms could easily crush the very life from your 45886body. There hangs from his belt a veritable arsenal of deadly weapons: 45887sword, mace, ball and chain, dagger, lance, and trident. 45888He speaks with a commanding voice: 45889 45890 "YOU SHALL NOT PASS" 45891 45892As he grabs you by the neck all grows dim about you. 45893% 45894There appears to be irrefutable evidence that 45895the mere fact of overcrowding induces violence. 45896 -- Harvey Wheeler 45897% 45898There are a few things that never go out of style, 45899and a feminine woman is one of them. 45900 -- Ralston 45901% 45902There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true. 45903 -- Winston Churchill 45904% 45905There are bad times just around the corner, 45906There are dark clouds hurtling through the sky 45907And it's no good whining 45908About a silver lining 45909For we know from experience that they won't roll by... 45910 -- Noel Coward 45911% 45912There are few people more often in the wrong 45913than those who cannot endure to be thought so. 45914% 45915There are few virtues that the Poles do not possess -- 45916and there are few mistakes they have ever avoided. 45917 -- W. Churchill, Parliament, August, 1945 45918% 45919There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, 45920excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy... 45921 -- Ambrose Bierce 45922% 45923There are four stages to a marriage. First there's the affair, then there's 45924the marriage, then children and finally the fourth stage, without which you 45925cannot know a woman, the divorce. 45926 -- Norman Mailer 45927% 45928There are in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of the 45929two has the following record: The Vietnam War, Watergate, double-digit 45930inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the 8-cent 45931postcard. The second is responsible for such things as the transistor, 45932the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity stereo recording, 45933sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative feedback, magnetic tape, 45934magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching systems, microwave radio and TV 45935relay systems, information theory, the first electrical digital computer, 45936and the first communications satellite. Guess which one is going to tell 45937the other how to run the telephone business? I can hardly wait for the 45938results. 45939% 45940There are many intelligent species in 45941the universe, and they all own cats. 45942% 45943There are many of us in this old world of ours who hold that things break 45944about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get 45945about the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summer and the poor 45946get it in the winter. 45947 -- Bat Masterson 45948% 45949There are many people today who literally do not have a close personal 45950friend. They may know something that we don't. They are probably 45951avoiding a great deal of pain. 45952% 45953There are more dead people than living, and their numbers are increasing. 45954 -- Eugene Ionesco 45955% 45956There are more old drunkards than old doctors. 45957% 45958There are more things in heaven and earth than any place else. 45959% 45960There are more things in heaven and earth, 45961Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy. 45962 -- Hamlet 45963% 45964There are more ways of killing a cat than choking her with cream. 45965% 45966There are never any bugs you haven't found yet. 45967% 45968There are new messages. 45969% 45970There are no accidents whatsoever in the universe. 45971 -- Baba Ram Dass 45972% 45973There are no answers, only cross-references. 45974 -- Weiner 45975% 45976There are no emotional victims, only volunteers. 45977% 45978There are no great men, buster. There are only men. 45979 -- Elaine Stewart, "The Bad and the Beautiful" 45980% 45981There are no great men, only great challenges that 45982ordinary men are forced by circumstances to meet. 45983 -- Admiral William Halsey 45984% 45985There are no manifestos like cannon and musketry. 45986 -- The Duke of Wellington 45987% 45988There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the existence 45989of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any marginally 45990competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat engine and make 45991some other part of hell comfortably cool. This is obviously impossible. 45992 -- Richard Davisson 45993% 45994There are no rules for March. March is spring, sort 45995of, usually, March means maybe, but don't bet on it. 45996% 45997There are no winners in life, only survivors. 45998% 45999There are only two kinds of men -- the dead and the deadly. 46000 -- Helen Rowland 46001% 46002There are only two kinds of tequila. Good and better. 46003% 46004There are only two things in this world that I am sure of, death and 46005taxes, and we just might do something about death one of these days. 46006 -- shades 46007% 46008There are people so addicted to exaggeration 46009that they can't tell the truth without lying. 46010 -- Josh Billings 46011% 46012There are people who find it odd to eat four or five Chinese meals 46013in a row; in China, I often remind them, there are a billion or so 46014people who find nothing odd about it. 46015 -- Calvin Trillin 46016% 46017There are places I'll remember 46018All my life though some have changed. 46019Some forever not for better 46020Some have gone and some remain. 46021All these places had their moments 46022With lovers and friends I still recall. 46023Some are dead and some are living, 46024In my life I've loved them all. 46025 46026But of all these friends and lovers, 46027There is no one compared with you, 46028All these memories lose their meaning 46029When I think of love as something new. 46030Though I know I'll never lose affection 46031For people and things that went before, 46032I know I'll often stop and think about them 46033In my life I'll love you more. 46034 -- Lennon/McCartney, "In My Life", 1965 46035% 46036There are running jobs. 46037Why don't you go chase them? 46038% 46039There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both 46040plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis; 46041and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again, 46042don't we all. 46043% 46044There are strange things done in the midnight sun 46045 By the men who moil for gold; 46046The Arctic trails have their secret tales 46047 That would make your blood run cold; 46048The Northern Lights have seen queer sights, 46049 But the queerest they ever did see 46050Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge 46051 I cremated Sam McGee. 46052 -- Robert W. Service 46053% 46054There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life 46055is the process of discovering them over and over and over. 46056 -- David Nichols 46057% 46058There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells and 46059fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated pools here 46060and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving them parched for 46061wonder. There are also those who believe that if you stick your fingers up 46062your nose and blow, it will increase your intelligence. 46063 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII 46064% 46065There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics. 46066 -- Benjamin Disraeli 46067% 46068There are three kinds of people: men, women, and unix. 46069% 46070There are three possibilities: 46071Pioneer's solar panel has turned away from the sun; 46072there's a large meteor blocking transmission; 46073someone loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor. 46074% 46075There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be 46076offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a 46077series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of 46078food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection 46079increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the 46080affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no 46081circumstances can the food be omitted. 46082 -- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behaviour 46083% 46084There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need 46085the money; the second that you have something to say that you think the 46086world should know; the third is that you can't think what to do with the 46087long winter evenings. 46088 -- Quentin Crisp 46089% 46090There are three rules for writing a novel. 46091Unfortunately, no one knows what they are. 46092 -- Maugham 46093% 46094There are three schools of magic. One: State a tautology, then ring the 46095changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy. Two: Record many facts. 46096Try to find a pattern. Then make a wrong guess at the next fact; that's 46097science. Three: Be aware that you live in a malevolent Universe controlled 46098by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's Factor; that's engineering. 46099% 46100There are three things I always forget. Names, faces -- the third I 46101can't remember. 46102 -- Italo Svevo 46103% 46104There are three things I have always loved 46105and never understood -- art, music, and women. 46106% 46107There are three things men can do with women: 46108love them, suffer for them, or turn them into literature. 46109 -- Stephen Stills 46110% 46111There are three ways to get something done: 46112 46113 1: Do it yourself. 46114 2: Hire someone to do it for you. 46115 3: Forbid your kids to do it. 46116% 46117There are three ways to get something done: 46118do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it. 46119% 46120There are twenty-five people left in the world, 46121and twenty-seven of them are hamburgers. 46122 -- Ed Sanders 46123% 46124There are two jazz musicians who are great buddies. They hang out and play 46125together for years, virtually inseparable. Unfortunately, one of them is 46126struck by a truck and killed. About a week later his friend wakes up in 46127the middle of the night with a start because he can feel a presence in the 46128room. He calls out, "Who's there? Who's there? What's going on?" 46129 "It's me -- Bob," replies a faraway voice. 46130 Excitedly he sits up in bed. "Bob! Bob! Is that you? Where are 46131you?" 46132 "Well," says the voice, "I'm in heaven now." 46133 "Heaven! You're in heaven! That's wonderful! What's it like?" 46134 "It's great, man. I gotta tell you, I'm jamming up here every day. 46135I'm playing with Bird, and 'Trane, and Count Basie drops in all the time! 46136Man it is smokin'!" 46137 "Oh, wow!" says his friend. "That sounds fantastic, tell me more, 46138tell me more!" 46139 "Let me put it this way," continues the voice. "There's good news 46140and bad news. The good news is that these guys are in top form. I mean 46141I have *never* heard them sound better. They are *wailing* up here." 46142 "The bad news is that God has this girlfriend that sings..." 46143% 46144There are two kinds of fool. One says, "This is old, and therefore good." 46145And one says, "This is new, and therefore better" 46146 -- John Brunner, "The Shockwave Rider" 46147% 46148There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead. 46149 -- Lord Thomas Rober Dewar 46150% 46151There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. 46152We don't believe this to be a coincidence. 46153 -- Jeremy S. Anderson 46154% 46155There are two problems with a major hangover. You feel 46156like you are going to die and you're afraid that you won't. 46157% 46158There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -- before 46159marriage and after marriage. 46160% 46161There are two ways of constructing a software design. One way is to make 46162it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies and the other is to 46163make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. 46164 -- C.A.R. Hoare 46165% 46166There are two ways of disliking art. 46167One is to dislike it. 46168The other is to like it rationally. 46169 -- Oscar Wilde 46170% 46171There are two ways of disliking poetry; 46172one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope. 46173 -- Oscar Wilde 46174% 46175There are two ways to write error-free 46176programs; only the third one works. 46177% 46178There are very few personal problems that cannot be 46179solved through a suitable application of high explosives. 46180% 46181There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening 46182with an insurance salesman? 46183 -- Woody Allen 46184% 46185There be sober men a'plenty, and drunkards barely twenty; there are men 46186of over ninety who have never yet kissed a girl. But give me the rambling 46187rover, from Orkney down to Dover, we will roam the whole world over, and 46188together we'll face the world. 46189 -- Andy Stewart, "After the Hush" 46190% 46191There but for the grace of God, goes God. 46192 -- Winston Churchill, speaking of Sir Stafford Cripps. 46193% 46194There can be no daily democracy without daily citizenship. 46195 -- Ralph Nader 46196% 46197There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. 46198 -- Henry Kissinger 46199% 46200There comes a time in the affairs of a man when he 46201has to take the bull by the tail and face the situation. 46202 -- W.C. Fields 46203% 46204There comes a time to stop being angry. 46205 -- A Small Circle of Friends 46206% 46207There exist tasks which cannot be done 46208by more than 10 men or fewer than 100. 46209 -- Steele's Law 46210% 46211There goes the good time that was had by all. 46212 -- Bette Davis, remarking on a passing starlet 46213% 46214There has also been some work to allow the interesting use of macro names. 46215For example, if you wanted all of your "creat()" calls to include read 46216permissions for everyone, you could say 46217 46218 #define creat(file, mode) creat(file, mode | 0444) 46219 46220 I would recommend against this kind of thing in general, since it 46221hides the changed semantics of "creat()" in a macro, potentially far away 46222from its uses. 46223 To allow this use of macros, the preprocessor uses a process that 46224is worth describing, if for no other reason than that we get to use one of 46225the more amusing terms introduced into the C lexicon. While a macro is 46226being expanded, it is temporarily undefined, and any recurrence of the macro 46227name is "painted blue" -- I kid you not, this is the official terminology 46228-- so that in future scans of the text the macro will not be expanded 46229recursively. (I do not know why the color blue was chosen; I'm sure it 46230was the result of a long debate, spread over several meetings.) 46231 -- From Ken Arnold's "C Advisor" column in Unix Review 46232% 46233There has been a little distress selling on the stock exchange. 46234 -- Thomas W. Lamont, October 29, 1929 46235% 46236There has been an alarming increase in the 46237number of things you know nothing about. 46238% 46239There is a 20% chance of tomorrow. 46240% 46241There is a building with four floors. On the first floor, there 46242is a convention of architects. On the second floor, there is a 46243vinyl manufacturing plant. On the third floor there is a fast food 46244stand, and on the fourth floor there is a library. 46245 46246Q: What would happen if a librarian traveled down in a small 46247 elevator with one other person from each floor? 46248A: The elevator would be full. 46249% 46250There is a certain frame of mind to which a cemetery 46251is, if not an antidote, at least an alleviation. If 46252you are in a fit of the blues, go nowhere else. 46253 --Robert Louis Stevenson: Immortelles 46254% 46255There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an 46256opinion. 46257 -- Anatole France 46258% 46259There is a fly on your nose. 46260% 46261There is a good deal of solemn cant about the common interests of capital 46262and labour. As matters stand, their only common interest is that of cutting 46263each other's throat. 46264 -- Brooks Atkinson, "Once Around the Sun" 46265% 46266There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: 46267that of paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write. 46268% 46269There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder. 46270% 46271There is a limit to the admiration we may hold for a man who spends 46272his waking hours poking the contents of chickens with a stick. 46273 -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume" 46274% 46275There is a new anti-communist organization that advocates the use of 46276wooden toilet seats. 46277 46278It's called the Birch John Society. 46279% 46280There is a road to freedom. Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor, Honesty, 46281Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and love of the 46282Fatherland. 46283 -- Adolf Hitler 46284% 46285There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly 46286what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear 46287and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There 46288is another theory which states that this has already happened. 46289 -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy 46290% 46291There is a time in the tides of men, 46292Which, taken at its flood, leads on to success. 46293On the other hand, don't count on it. 46294 -- T.K. Lawson 46295% 46296There is a vast difference between the savage and civilized man, but it 46297is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast. 46298 -- Helen Rowland 46299% 46300There is always more hell that needs raising. 46301 -- Lauren Leveut 46302% 46303There is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling 46304somebody out. 46305 -- Joan Didion, "Slouching Towards Bethlehem" 46306% 46307There is always someone worse off than yourself. 46308% 46309There is always something new out of Africa. 46310 -- Gaius Plinius Secundus 46311% 46312There is an innocence in admiration; it is found in those to whom it 46313has not yet occurred that they, too, might be admired some day. 46314 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 46315% 46316There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty. 46317"When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend." 46318 -- Mark Twain 46319% 46320There is brutality and there is honesty. 46321There is no such thing as brutal honesty. 46322% 46323There is grandeur in this view of life, with its several powers, 46324having been originally breathed into a few forms or into one; and that, 46325whilst this planet has gone cycling on according to the fixed law of 46326gravity, from so simple a beginning endless forms most beautiful and 46327most wonderful have been, and are being, evolved. 46328 -- Darwin 46329% 46330There is hardly a thing in the world that some man can 46331not make a little worse and sell a little cheaper. 46332% 46333There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum. 46334 -- Arthur C. Clarke 46335% 46336There is in certain living souls 46337A quality of loneliness unspeakable, 46338So great it must be shared 46339As company is shared by lesser beings. 46340Such a loneliness is mine; so know by this 46341That in immensity 46342There is one lonelier than you. 46343% 46344There is, in fact, no reason to believe that any given natural phenomenon, 46345however marvelous it may seem today, will remain forever inexplicable. 46346Soon or late the laws governing the production of life itself will be 46347discovered in the laboratory, and man may set up business as a creator 46348on his own account. The thing, indeed, is not only conceivable; it is 46349even highly probable. 46350 -- H.L. Mencken, 1930 46351% 46352There is is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home. 46353 -- Ken Olsen (President of Digital Equipment Corporation), 46354 Convention of the World Future Society, in Boston, 1977 46355% 46356There is Jackson standing like a stone wall. Let us determine to die, 46357and we will conquer. Follow me. 46358 -- General Barnard E. Bee (CSA) 46359% 46360There is more simplicity in a man who eats caviar on impulse than in a 46361man who eats Grapenuts on principle. 46362 -- G.K. Chesterton 46363% 46364There is more simplicity in the man who eats caviar on impulse than in the 46365man who eats Grap-Nuts on principle. 46366 -- G.K. Chesterton 46367% 46368There is more to life than increasing its speed. 46369 -- Mahatma Gandhi 46370% 46371There is more to life than increasing its speed. 46372 -- Mohandis K. Gandhi 46373% 46374There is much Obi-Wan did not tell you. 46375 -- Darth Vader 46376% 46377There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is 46378always enough time to do it over. 46379% 46380There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over. 46381% 46382There is no act of treachery or mean-ness of which a political party 46383is not capable; for in politics there is no honour. 46384 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Vivian Grey" 46385% 46386There is no better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law. 46387No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets truth. 46388 -- Jean Giraudoux, "Tiger at the Gates" 46389% 46390There is no better way to exercise the imagination than the study of the law. 46391No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth. 46392 -- Jean Giradoux 46393% 46394"There is no choice before us. Either we must Succeed in providing 46395the rational coordination of impulses and guts, or for centuries 46396civilization will sink into a mere welter of minor excitements. 46397We must provide a Great Age or see the collapse of the upward 46398striving of the human race" 46399 -- Alfred North Whitehead 46400% 46401There is no comfort without pain; thus 46402we define salvation through suffering. 46403 -- Cato 46404% 46405There is no cure for birth and death other than to enjoy the interval. 46406 -- George Santayana 46407% 46408There is no delight the equal of dread. 46409As long as it is somebody else's. 46410 --Clive Barker 46411% 46412There is no distinction between any AI program and some existent game. 46413% 46414There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. 46415 -- Mark Twain 46416% 46417There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he 46418filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary 46419as 'unearned income.' 46420 -- Michael Lara 46421% 46422There is no education that is not political. An apolitical 46423education is also political because it is purposely isolating. 46424% 46425There is no Father Christmas. It's just a marketing ploy to make low income 46426parents' lives a misery. ... I want you to picture the trusting face of a 46427child, streaked with tears because of what you just said. I want you to 46428picture the face of its mother, because one week's dole won't pay for one 46429Master of the Universe Battlecruiser! 46430 -- Filthy Rich and Catflap 46431% 46432There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear. 46433% 46434There is no fool to the old fool. 46435 -- John Heywood 46436% 46437There is no future in time travel. 46438% 46439There is no grief which time does not lessen and soften. 46440% 46441There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted 46442armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter. 46443 -- Ernest Hemingway 46444% 46445There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom. 46446 -- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923 46447% 46448There is no ox so dumb as the orthodox. 46449 -- George Francis Gillette 46450% 46451There is no point in waiting. 46452The train stopped running years ago. 46453All the schedules, the brochures, 46454The bright-colored posters full of lies, 46455Promise rides to a distant country 46456That no longer exists. 46457% 46458There is no proverb that is not true. 46459 -- Cervantes 46460% 46461There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools 46462to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. 46463So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and war hold him in 46464check. And also the wife who wants him home by five, of course. 46465 -- Encyclopadia Apocryphia, 1990 ed. 46466% 46467There is no royal road to geometry. 46468 -- Euclid 46469% 46470There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist. 46471% 46472There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it. 46473 -- G.B. Shaw 46474% 46475There is no security on this earth. There is only opportunity. 46476 -- General Douglas MacArthur 46477% 46478There is no sin but ignorance. 46479 -- Christopher Marlowe 46480% 46481There is no sincerer love than the love of food. 46482 -- George Bernard Shaw 46483% 46484There is no statute of limitations on stupidity. 46485% 46486There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes. 46487% 46488There *is* no such thing as a civil engineer. 46489% 46490There is no such thing as a free lunch. 46491% 46492There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands. 46493% 46494There is no such thing as an ugly woman -- there are only 46495the ones who do not know how to make themselves attractive. 46496 -- Christian Dior 46497% 46498There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. 46499Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behaviour. 46500 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" 46501% 46502There is no such thing as pure pleasure; 46503some anxiety always goes with it. 46504% 46505There is no time like the pleasant. 46506% 46507There is no time like the present 46508for postponing what you ought to be doing. 46509% 46510There is not a man in the country that can't make a living for himself and 46511family. But he can't make a living for them *and* his government, too, 46512the way his government is living. What the government has got to do is 46513live as cheap as the people. 46514 -- The Best of Will Rogers 46515% 46516There is not much to choose between a woman who deceives 46517us for another, and a woman who deceives another for ourselves. 46518 -- Augier 46519% 46520There is not opinion so absurd that some philosopher will not express it. 46521 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares" 46522% 46523There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result. 46524 -- Churchill 46525% 46526There is nothing more silly than a silly laugh. 46527 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus 46528% 46529There is nothing new except what has been forgotten. 46530 -- Marie Antoinette 46531% 46532There is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult 46533when you do it reluctantly. 46534 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) 46535% 46536There is nothing stranger in a strange land than the stranger who 46537comes to visit. 46538% 46539There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine," said 46540a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat. 46541 "And yet just a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with 46542an unanswerable question," said Nasrudin. 46543 "I could have answered it if I had been there." 46544 "Very well. He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in 46545the middle of the night?'" 46546% 46547There is nothing wrong with abstinence, in moderation. 46548% 46549There is nothing wrong with writing ... as long as it 46550is done in private and you wash your hands afterward. 46551% 46552There is one difference between a tax collector and 46553a taxidermist -- the taxidermist leaves the hide. 46554 -- Mortimer Caplan 46555% 46556There is one way to find out if a man is honest -- ask him. If he says 46557"Yes" you know he is crooked. 46558 -- Groucho Marx 46559% 46560There is only one thing in the world worse than being 46561talked about, and that is not being talked about. 46562 -- Oscar Wilde 46563% 46564There is only one way to be happy by means of the heart -- to have none. 46565 -- Paul Bourget 46566% 46567There is only one way to console a widow. But remember the risk. 46568 -- Robert Heinlein 46569% 46570There is only one way to kill capitalism -- 46571by taxes, taxes, and more taxes. 46572 -- Karl Marx 46573% 46574There is only one word for aid that is genuinely without strings, 46575and that word is blackmail. 46576 -- Colm Brogan 46577% 46578There is perhaps in every thing of any consequence, secret history, which 46579it would be amusing to know, could we have it authentically communicated. 46580 -- James Boswell 46581% 46582There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale 46583returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact. 46584 -- Mark Twain 46585% 46586There is something in the pang of change 46587More than the heart can bear, 46588Unhappiness remembering happiness. 46589 -- Euripides 46590% 46591There is very little future in being right when your boss is wrong. 46592% 46593There isn't room enough in this dress for both of us! 46594% 46595There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who 46596constantly divide the people of the world into two classes and those 46597who do not. 46598 -- Robert Benchley 46599% 46600There must be at least 500,000,000 rats in the United 46601States; of course, I never heard the story before. 46602% 46603There must be more to life than having everything. 46604 -- Maurice Sendak 46605% 46606There never was a good war or a bad peace. 46607 -- B. Franklin 46608% 46609There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The 46610king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished 46611in his heart that the son ould be wise and compassionate. One day he said 46612to the prince: 46613 "If you promised that you would give a certain women anything, even 46614half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend, 46615what would your decision be, my son?" 46616 The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell 46617her that she was my best friend, and cut her head off." 46618 The king knew that his son would be a great king. 46619% 46620There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The 46621king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished 46622in his heart that the son ould be wise and compassionate. One day he said 46623to the prince: 46624 "If you promised that you would give a certain women anything, even 46625half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend, 46626what would your decision be, my son?" 46627 The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell 46628her that the life of my best friend did not lie in the half of the kingdom 46629that I had promised." 46630 The king knew that his son would be a great king. 46631% 46632There seems no plan because it is all plan. 46633 -- C.S. Lewis 46634% 46635There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it." 46636 -- C.S. Lewis, "The Chronicles of Narnia" 46637% 46638There was a little girl 46639Who had a little curl 46640Right in the middle of her forehead. 46641When she was good, she was very, very good 46642And when she was bad, she was very, very popular. 46643 -- Max Miller, "The Max Miller Blue Book" 46644% 46645There was a man who enjoyed playing golf, and could occasionally put up 46646with taking in a round with his wife. One time (with his wife along) he 46647was having an extremely bad round. On the 12th hole, he sliced a drive 46648over by a grounds-keepers' shack. Although he did not have a clear shot 46649to the green, his wife noticed that there were two doors on the shack, 46650and there was a possibility that, if both doors were opened, he might be 46651able to hit through. Without hesitation, he instructed his wife to go 46652around to the other side and open the far door. Sure enough, this gave 46653him a clear path to the green. He stepped up to his ball and prepared 46654to hit. His wife had been standing by the far door waiting for him to 46655hit through. After a moment, she became curious and stuck her head in 46656the doorway, to see what he was doing. At that exact moment, the husband 46657cracked a three-wood that hit his wife square on the forehead, killing 46658her instantly. A few weeks later, the man was playing a round at the same 46659course, this time with a friend of his. Once again on the 12th hole, he 46660sliced his drive to the shack. His friend suggested that he might be able 46661to hit through, if he was to open both doors. 46662 "Nah", replied the man, "Last time I did that I took a 7". 46663% 46664There was a phone call for you. 46665% 46666There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were 46667left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley. 46668Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so 46669they started debating who should be allowed to stay. The Pope pointed 46670out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all over the world, 46671the President explained that if he died then America would be stuck 46672with the Vice-President, and so forth. Then Mayor Daley said, "Look! 46673We're not solving anything like this! The only fair thing to do is 46674to vote on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97 votes. 46675% 46676There was a writer in 'Life' magazine ... who claimed that rabbits have 46677no memory, which is one of their defensive mechanisms. If they recalled 46678every close shave they had in the course of just an hour life would become 46679insupportable. 46680 -- Kurt Vonnegut 46681% 46682There was a young man from Brazil, 46683And a lady who'd not take the pill, 46684 They lay on the sofa, 46685 And a <$H12{ot]{ok]{ob{o[]{oR{oK{oDpo~po~pot~poe~{ o!po~po~poq~ 46686n~po_~{o[po ~poz~pok~po\~{o 466878]{o/pomF~po^~{opoh~poY~{opoc~poT~{op~po^~poO~{o[~poY~ poJ~{oF~poT~poE~{o1~ 46688% 46689There was a young man from LeDoux, 46690Whose limericks stopped at line two. 46691 46692There was a young man from Verdunne. 46693 46694 [Actually, there are three limericks in this series, the third one 46695 is about some guy named Nero. If anyone has a copy of it, please 46696 mail it to "fortune". Ed.] 46697% 46698There was an old Indian belief that by making love on the hide of 46699their favorite animal, one could guarantee the health and prosperity 46700of the offspring conceived thereupon. And so it goes that one Indian 46701couple made love on a buffalo hide. Nine months later, they were 46702blessed with a healthy baby son. Yet another couple huddled together 46703on the hide of a deer and they too were blessed with a very healthy 46704baby son. But a third couple, whose favorite animal was a hippopotamus, 46705were blessed with not one, but TWO very healthy baby sons at the conclusion 46706of the nine month interval. All of which proves the old theorem that: 46707The sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of 46708the squaws of the other two hides. 46709% 46710There was, it appeared, a mysterious rite of initiation through which, 46711in one way or another, almost every member of the team passed. The term 46712that the old hands used for this rite -- West invented the term, not the 46713practice -- was `signing up.' By signing up for the project you agreed 46714to do whatever was necessary for success. You agreed to forsake, if 46715necessary, family, hobbies, and friends -- if you had any of these left 46716(and you might not, if you had signed up too many times before). 46717 -- Tracy Kidder, "The Soul of a New Machine" 46718% 46719There was this New Yorker that had a lifelong ambition to be an Texan. 46720Fortunately, he had an Texan friend and went to him for advice. "Mike, 46721you know I've always wanted to be a Texan. You're a *real* Texan, what 46722should I do?" 46723 "Well," answered Mike, "The first thing you've got to do is look 46724like a Texan. That means you have to dress right. The second thing 46725you've got to do is speak in a southern drawl." 46726 "Thanks, Mike, I'll give it a try," replied the New Yorker. 46727 A few weeks passed and the New Yorker saunters into a store dressed 46728in a ten-gallon hat, cowboy boots, Levi jeans and a bandanna. "Hey, there, 46729pardner, I'd like some beef, not too rare, and some of them fresh biscuits," 46730he tells the counterman. 46731 The guy behind the counter takes a long look at him and then says, 46732"You must be from New York." 46733 The New Yorker blushes, and says, "Well, yes, I am. How did 46734you know?" 46735 "Because this is a hardware store." 46736% 46737There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when 46738the boss asks for a lift home from office. 46739% 46740There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when 46741the boss asks for a lift home from the office. 46742% 46743There will be big changes for you but you will be happy. 46744% 46745There will be sex after death, we just won't be able to feel it. 46746 -- Lily Tomlin 46747% 46748Therefore it is necessary to learn how not to be good, and to use 46749this knowledge and not use it, according to the necessity of the cause. 46750 -- Machiavelli 46751% 46752There's a couple of million dollars worth of baseball talent on the loose, 46753ready for the big leagues, yet unsigned by any major league. There are 46754pitchers who would win 20 games a season ... and outfielders [who] could 46755hit .350, infielders who could win recognition as stars, and there's at 46756least one catcher who at this writing is probably superior to Bill Dickey, 46757Josh Gibson. Only one thing is keeping them out of the big leagues, the 46758pigmentation of their skin. They happen to be colored. 46759 -- Shirley Povich, 1941 46760% 46761There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. 46762Too bad it's not a fence. 46763% 46764There's a lesson that I need to remember 46765When everything is falling apart 46766In life, just like in loving 46767There's such a thing as trying to hard 46768 46769You've gotta sing 46770Like you don't need the money 46771Love like you'll never get hurt 46772You've gotta dance 46773Like nobody's watching 46774It's gotta come from the heart 46775If you want it to work. 46776 -- Kathy Mattea 46777% 46778There's a lot to be said for not saying a lot. 46779% 46780There's a man deeply in debt, see, and he takes the money he has left 46781and goes to Monte Carlo to try to recoup at the roulette tables. Won a 46782little, lost a lot, and was down to his last franc. Prayed for help. 46783A voice whispered in his ear: "Le rouge..." Man looked around; nobody 46784there. What the hell -- he puts his last franc on the red, and it won. 46785The voice immediately said, "Encore le rouge..." Played red again, and 46786it won again. The voice said, "Impair..." Played odd, and it won. Voice 46787said, "Quinze..." so he put all the money on 15, and it won. This went 46788on for hours, the voice telling him what to bet, and the man putting all 46789his money on what the voice said, and winning. Finally when the voice 46790spoke, the man protested that he'd won millions of dollars and wanted to 46791quit. The voice was inexorable: "Douze..." The man put the money on 12, 46792and 11 came up -- he had lost everything -- the voice murmured "Merde!!" 46793% 46794There's a thrill in store for all for we're about to toast 46795The corporation that we represent. 46796We're here to cheer each pioneer and also proudly boast, 46797Of that man of men our sterling president 46798The name of T.J. Watson means 46799A courage none can stem 46800And we feel honored to be here to toast the IBM. 46801 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook 46802% 46803There's a trick to the Graceful Exit. It begins with the vision to 46804recognize when a job, a life stage, a relationship is over -- and to 46805let go. It means leaving what's over without denying its validity 46806or its past importance in our lives. It involves a sense of future, 46807a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving on, 46808rather than out. The trick of retiring well may be the trick of 46809living well. It's hard to recognize that life isn't a holding 46810action, but a process. It's hard to learn that we don't leave the 46811best parts of ourselves behind, back in the dugout or the office. 46812We own what we learned back there. The experiences and the growth 46813are grafted onto our lives. And when we exit, we can take ourselves 46814along -- quite gracefully. 46815 -- Ellen Goodman 46816% 46817There's a whole WORLD in a mud puddle! 46818 -- Doug Clifford 46819% 46820There's always free cheese in a mousetrap. 46821% 46822There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to. 46823% 46824There's been no top authority saying what marijuana does to you. 46825I really don't know that much about it. I tried it once but it 46826didn't do anything to me. 46827 -- John Wayne 46828% 46829There's got to be more to life than compile-and-go. 46830% 46831There's just something I don't like about Virginia; the state. 46832% 46833There's little in taking or giving, 46834 There's little in water or wine: 46835This living, this living, this living, 46836 Was never a project of mine. 46837Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is 46838 The gain of the one at the top, 46839For art is a form of catharsis, 46840 And love is a permanent flop, 46841And work is the province of cattle, 46842 And rest's for a clam in a shell, 46843So I'm thinking of throwing the battle -- 46844 Would you kindly direct me to hell? 46845 -- Dorothy Parker 46846% 46847There's no future in time travel. 46848% 46849There's no heavier burden than a great potential. 46850% 46851There's no justice in this world. 46852 -- Frank Costello, on the prosecution of "Lucky" Luciano by 46853 New York district attorney Thomas Dewey after Luciano had 46854 saved Dewey from assassination by Dutch Schultz (by ordering 46855 the assassination of Schultz instead) 46856% 46857There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes. 46858 -- Dr. Who 46859% 46860There's no room in the drug world for amateurs. 46861 -- Raoul Duke 46862% 46863There's no saint like a reformed sinner. 46864% 46865There's no sense in being precise when you don't even know 46866what you're talking about. 46867 -- John von Neumann 46868% 46869There's no such thing as a free lunch. 46870 -- Milton Friendman 46871% 46872There's no such thing as an original sin. 46873 -- Elvis Costello 46874% 46875There's no such thing as pure pleasure; some anxiety always goes with it. 46876% 46877There's no time like the pleasant. 46878% 46879There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government 46880working for you. 46881 -- Will Rodgers 46882% 46883There's no use being precise about something 46884when you don't even know what you're talking about. 46885 -- John von Neumann 46886% 46887There's no use in having a dog and doing your own barking. 46888% 46889There's nothing in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead 46890armadillos. 46891 -- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner 46892% 46893There's nothing like a girl with a plunging 46894neckline to keep a man on his toes. 46895% 46896There's nothing like a good does of another woman to make a man appreciate 46897his wife. 46898 -- Clare Booth Luce 46899% 46900There's nothing like good food, good wine, and a bad girl. 46901% 46902There's nothing like the face of a kid eating a Hershey bar. 46903% 46904There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right 46905keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself. 46906 -- J.S. Bach 46907% 46908There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit at a typewriter 46909and open a vein. 46910 -- Red Smith 46911% 46912There's nothing very mysterious about you, except that 46913nobody really knows your origin, purpose, or destination. 46914% 46915There's nothing worse for your business than 46916extra Santa Clauses smoking in the men's room. 46917 -- W. Bossert 46918% 46919There's nothing wrong with teenagers that 46920reasoning with them won't aggravate. 46921% 46922There's one consolation about matrimony. When you look around you can 46923always see somebody who did worse. 46924 -- Warren H. Goldsmith 46925% 46926There's one fool at least in every married couple. 46927% 46928There's only one everything. 46929% 46930There's only one way to have a happy marriage 46931and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again. 46932 -- Clint Eastwood 46933% 46934There's small choice in rotten apples. 46935 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew" 46936% 46937There's so much plastic in this culture that 46938vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic. 46939 -- Lily Tomlin 46940% 46941There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me. 46942% 46943There's something different about us -- different from people of Europe, 46944Africa, Asia ... a deep and abiding belief in the Easter Bunny. 46945 -- G. Gordon Liddy 46946% 46947There's something the technicians need to learn from the artists. 46948If it isn't aesthetically pleasing, it's probably wrong. 46949% 46950There's such a thing as too much point on a pencil. 46951 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow" 46952% 46953There's too much beauty upon this earth for lonely men to bear. 46954 -- Richard Le Gallienne 46955% 46956These activities have their own rules and methods 46957of concealment which seek to mislead and obscure. 46958 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, 1960 46959% 46960These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what 46961they used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink. 46962% 46963They also serve who only stand and wait. 46964 -- John Milton 46965% 46966They also surf who only stand on waves. 46967% 46968They are called computers simply because computation is 46969the only significant job that has so far been given to them. 46970% 46971They are cold-blooded. They are completely ruthless about protecting 46972what they have. The only thing they connect to is the money aspect of 46973life. Let's face it: That's the American way. 46974 -- Jeffery M. Johnson, regional chairman of the District 46975 of Columbia United Way, speaking of drug dealers. 46976% 46977They are ill discoverers that think there is no land, 46978when they can see nothing but sea. 46979 -- Francis Bacon 46980% 46981They are relatively good but absolutely terrible. 46982 -- Alan Kay, commenting on Apollos 46983% 46984They call them "squares" because it's the 46985most complicated shape they can deal with. 46986% 46987They can't stop us... we're on a mission from God! 46988 -- The Blues Brothers 46989% 46990They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist... 46991 -- Civil War General John Sedgwick, his last 46992 words, Battle of Spotsylvania Court House, 1864 46993% 46994They [District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there 46995are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity: 46996 46997(1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and confiscate 46998 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold a press 46999 conference where you announce that they have a street value of $850 47000 million. These raids never fail, because ALL high schools, including 47001 brand-new, never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana cigarettes in 47002 the lockers. As far as anyone can tell, the locker factory puts them 47003 there. 47004(2) Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you announce 47005 you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a piece of human 47006 sleaze. This also never fails, because you always get a conviction. 47007 A juror at a pornography trial is not about to state for the record 47008 that he finds nothing obscene about a movie where actors engage in 47009 sexual activities with live snakes and a fire extinguisher. He is 47010 going to convict the bookstore owner, and vote for the death penalty 47011 just to make sure nobody gets the wrong impression. 47012 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" 47013% 47014They don't know how the world is shaped. And so they give it a shape, and 47015try to make everything fit it. They separate the right from the left, the 47016man from the woman, the plant from the animal, the sun from the moon. They 47017only want to count to two. 47018 -- Emma Bull, "Bone Dance" 47019% 47020They don't suffer. They can't even speak English. 47021 -- George F. Baer, answering a reporter's 47022 question about the suffering of starving miners. 47023% 47024They finally got King Midas, I hear. Gild by association. 47025% 47026They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps. 47027 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost" 47028% 47029They just buzzed and buzzed...buzzed. 47030% 47031They say it's the responsibility of the media to look at government -- 47032especially the president -- with a microscope. I don't argue with that, 47033but when they use a proctoscope, it's going too far. 47034 -- Richard Nixon 47035% 47036They seem to have learned the habit of cowering before authority even when 47037not actually threatened. How very nice for authority. I decided not to 47038learn this particular lesson. 47039 -- Richard Stallman 47040% 47041They sentenced me to twenty years of boredom for trying to change the 47042system from within. I'm coming now I'm coming to reward them. First 47043we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin. 47044 47045I'm guided by a signal in the heavens. I'm guided by this birthmark on 47046my skin. I'm guided by the beauty of our weapons. First we take Manhattan, 47047then we take Berlin. 47048 47049I'd really like to live beside you, baby. I love your body and your spirit 47050and your clothes. But you see that line there moving throug the station? 47051I told you I told you I told you I was one of those. 47052 -- Leonard Cohen, "First We Take Manhattan" 47053% 47054They spell it Vinci and pronounce it Vinchy. 47055Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce. 47056 -- Mark Twain 47057% 47058They told me you had proven it When they discovered our results 47059About a month before. Their hair began to curl 47060The proof was valid, more or less Instead of understanding it 47061But rather less than more. We'd run the thing through PRL. 47062 47063He sent them word that we would try Don't tell a soul about all this 47064To pass where they had failed For it must ever be 47065And after we were done, to them A secret, kept from all the rest 47066The new proof would be mailed. Between yourself and me. 47067 47068My notion was to start again 47069Ignoring all they'd done 47070We quickly turned it into code 47071To see if it would run. 47072% 47073They told me you had proven it 47074 About a month before. 47075The proof was valid, more or less He sent them word that we would try 47076 But rather less than more. To pass where they had failed 47077 And after we were done, to them 47078 The new proof would be mailed. 47079My notion was to start again 47080 Ignoring all they'd done 47081We quickly turned it into code When they discovered our results 47082 To see if it would run. Their hair began to curl 47083 Instead of understanding it 47084 We'd run the thing through PRL. 47085Don't tell a soul about all this 47086For it must ever be 47087A secret, kept from all the rest 47088Between yourself and me. 47089% 47090They took some of the Van Goghs, most 47091of the jewels, and all of the Chivas! 47092% 47093They Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat 47094 -- Book title by Lewis Grizzard 47095% 47096They use different words for things in America. 47097For instance they say elevator and we say lift. 47098They say drapes and we say curtains. 47099They say president and we say brain damaged git. 47100 -- Alexie Sayle 47101% 47102They went rushing down that freeway, 47103Messed around and got lost. 47104They didn't care... they were just dying to get off, 47105And it was life in the fast lane. 47106 -- Eagles, "Life in the Fast Lane" 47107% 47108They will only cause the lower classes to move about needlessly. 47109 -- The Duke of Wellington, on early steam railroads. 47110% 47111They wouldn't listen to the fact that I was a genius, 47112The man said "We got all that we can use", 47113So I've got those steadily-depressin', low-down, mind-messin', 47114Working-at-the-car-wash blues. 47115 -- Jim Croce 47116% 47117They're an insidious bunch, your killer pianos. Had one get loose on me 47118back in '62. It slipped out of the cables while we were lowering it out 47119of its twelfth story apartment, and crushed six innocents in an insane bid 47120for freedom. 47121 -- Stig's Inferno 47122% 47123They're giving bank robbing a bad name. 47124 -- John Dillinger, on Bonnie and Clyde 47125% 47126They're just jealous because they don't have three 47127wise men and a virgin in the whole organization. 47128 -- Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci, on the 47129 ACLU's suit to have a city nativity scene removed. 47130% 47131They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid! 47132% 47133Thieves respect property; they merely wish the property to become 47134their property that they may more perfectly respect it. 47135 -- G.K. Chesterton, "The Man Who Was Thursday" 47136% 47137Things are more like they are today than they ever were before. 47138 -- Dwight Eisenhower 47139% 47140Things are more like they used to be than they are new. 47141% 47142Things are not always what they seem. 47143 -- Phaedrus 47144% 47145Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other. 47146% 47147Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold. 47148% 47149Things past redress and now with me past care. 47150 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II" 47151% 47152Things will be bright in P.M. 47153A cop will shine a light in your face. 47154% 47155Things will get better despite our efforts to improve them. 47156 -- Will Rogers 47157% 47158Things worth having are worth cheating for. 47159% 47160Think big. 47161Pollute the Mississippi. 47162% 47163Think honk if you're a telepath. 47164% 47165Think lucky. If you fall in a pond, check your pockets for fish. 47166 -- Darrell Royal 47167% 47168Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.! 47169% 47170Think of your family tonight. 47171Try to crawl home after the computer crashes. 47172% 47173Think sideways! 47174 -- Ed De Bono 47175% 47176Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click". 47177% 47178Thinking you know something is a sure way to blind yourself. 47179 -- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune" 47180% 47181Thinks't thou existence doth depend on time? 47182It doth; but actions are our epochs; mine 47183Have made my days and nights imperishable, 47184Endless, and all alike, as sands on the shore, 47185Innumerable atoms; and one desert, 47186Barren and cold, on which the wild waves break, 47187But nothing rests, save carcasses and wrecks, 47188Rocks, and the salt-surf weeds of bitterness. 47189% 47190Thirteen at a table is unlucky only 47191when the hostess has only twelve chops. 47192 -- Groucho Marx 47193% 47194Thirty white horses on a red hill, 47195First they champ, 47196Then they stamp, 47197Then they stand still. 47198 -- Tolkien 47199% 47200This ae nighte, this ae nighte, 47201Everye nighte and alle, 47202Fire and sleet and candlelyte, 47203And Christe receive thy saule. 47204 -- The Lykewake Dirge 47205% 47206This "brain-damaged" epithet is getting sorely overworked. When we can 47207speak of someone or something being flawed, impaired, marred, spoiled; 47208batty, bedlamite, bonkers, buggy, cracked, crazed, cuckoo, daft, demented, 47209deranged, loco, lunatic, mad, maniac, mindless, non compos mentis, nuts, 47210Reaganite, screwy, teched, unbalanced, unsound, witless, wrong; senseless, 47211spastic, spasmodic, convulsive; doped, spaced-out, stoned, zonked; {beef, 47212beetle,block,dung,thick}headed, dense, doltish, dull, duncical, numskulled, 47213pinhead; asinine, fatuous, foolish, silly, simple; brute, lumbering, oafish; 47214half-assed, incompetent; backward, retarded, imbecilic, moronic; when we have 47215a whole precisely nuanced vocabulary of intellectual abuse to draw upon, 47216individually and in combination, isn't it a little <fill in the blank> to be 47217limited to a single, now quite trite, adjective? 47218% 47219This door is baroquen, please wiggle Handel. 47220(If I wiggle Handel, will it wiggle Bach?) 47221 -- Found on a door in the MSU music building 47222% 47223This dungeon is owned and operated by Frobazz Magic Co., Ltd. 47224% 47225This file will self-destruct in five minutes. 47226% 47227This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate 47228need, please use the program "randchar". This program generates 47229random characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come 47230up with something profound. It will, however, take it no time at 47231all to be more profound than THIS program has ever been. 47232% 47233This fortune intentionally not included. 47234% 47235This fortune intentionally says nothing. 47236% 47237This fortune is dedicated to your mother, without whose 47238invaluable assistance last night would never have been possible. 47239% 47240This fortune is encrypted -- get your decoder rings ready! 47241% 47242This fortune is inoperative. Please try another. 47243% 47244This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory. 47245% 47246This fortune was brought to you by the people at Hewlett-Packard. 47247% 47248This fortune would be seven words long if it were six words shorter. 47249% 47250This generation doesn't have emotional baggage. 47251We have emotional moving vans. 47252 -- Bruce Feirstein 47253% 47254This guy runs into his house and yells to his wife, "Kathy, pack up your 47255bags! I just won the California lottery!" 47256 "Honey!", Kathy exclaims, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" 47257 "I don't care," responds the husband. "just so long as you're out 47258of the house by dinner!" 47259% 47260This is a country where people are free to practice their religion, 47261regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling keys... 47262% 47263This is a good time to punt work. 47264% 47265This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. 47266Had there been an actual emergency, then you would no longer be here. 47267% 47268This is Betty Frenel. I don't know who to call but I can't reach my 47269Food-a-holics partner. I'm at Vido's on my second pizza with sausage 47270and mushroom. Jim, come and get me! 47271% 47272This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists, 47273and not enough hunchbacks. 47274% 47275This is for all ill-treated fellows 47276 Unborn and unbegot, 47277For them to read when they're in trouble 47278 And I am not. 47279 -- A.E. Housman 47280% 47281This is Jim Rockford. 47282At the tone leave your name and message; I'll get back to you. 47283% 47284This is Maria, Liberty Bail Bonds. Your client, Todd Lieman, skipped and 47285his bail is forfeit. That's the pink slip on your '74 Firebird, I believe. 47286Sorry, Jim, bring it on over. 47287% 47288This is Marilyn Reed, I wanta talk to you... Is this a machine? 47289I don't talk to machines! [Click] 47290% 47291This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week. 47292% 47293This is NOT a repeat. 47294% 47295This is not the age of pamphleteers. It is the age of the engineers. The 47296spark-gap is mightier than the pen. Democracy will not be salvaged by men 47297who talk fluently, debate forcefully and quote aptly. 47298 -- Lancelot Hogben, Science for the Citizen, 1938 47299% 47300This is supposed to be a happy occasion. 47301Let's not BICKER and ARGUE over who killed who! 47302% 47303This is the Baron. Angel Martin tells me you buy information. Ok, 47304meet me at one a.m. behind the bus depot, bring five-hundred dollars 47305and come alone. I'm serious! 47306% 47307This is the first age that's paid much attention to the future, 47308which is a little ironic since we may not have one. 47309 -- Arthur Clarke 47310% 47311This is the first numerical problem I ever did. It demonstrates the 47312power of computers: 47313 47314Enter lots of data on calorie & nutritive content of foods. Instruct the 47315thing to maximize a function describing nutritive content, with a minimum 47316level of each component, for fixed caloric content. The results are that 47317one should eat each day: 47318 47319 1/2 chicken 47320 1 egg 47321 1 glass of skim milk 47322 27 heads of lettuce. 47323 -- Rev. Adrian Melott 47324% 47325This is the sort of English up with which I will not put. 47326 -- Winston Churchill 47327% 47328This is the theory that Jack built. 47329This is the flaw that lay in the theory that Jack built. 47330This is the palpable verbal haze that hid the flaw that lay in... 47331% 47332This is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. 47333And now you know why. 47334% 47335This is the way the world ends, 47336This is the way the world ends, 47337This is the way the world ends, 47338Not with a bang but with a whimper. 47339 -- T.S. Eliot, "The Hollow Men" 47340% 47341This isn't right. This isn't even wrong. 47342 -- Wolfgang Pauli, on a colleague's paper 47343% 47344This isn't true in practice -- what we've missed out is Stradivarius's 47345constant. And then the aside: "For those of you who don't know, that's 47346been called by others the fiddle factor..." 47347 -- From a 1B Electrical Engineering lecture. 47348% 47349This land is my land, and only my land, 47350I've got a shotgun, and you ain't got one, 47351If you don't get off, I'll blow your head off, 47352This land is private property. 47353 -- Apologies to Woody Guthrie 47354% 47355This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an 47356actual life, you would have received further instructions as 47357to what to do and where to go. 47358% 47359This life is yours. Some of it was given 47360to you; the rest, you made yourself. 47361% 47362This login session: $13.76, but for you $11.88. 47363% 47364This login session: $13.99 47365% 47366This must be morning. I never could get the hang of mornings. 47367% 47368This night methinks is but the daylight sick. 47369 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" 47370% 47371This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with 47372great force. 47373 -- Dorothy Parker 47374% 47375This one is for all you military types. For those who don't know, Rangers 47376are *extremely* well trained members of the U.S. Army. Marines are people 47377who start out as normal soldiers and then are made to believe that bullets 47378don't actually hurt. 47379 One day a platoon of Marines are on patrol when they come upon a 47380Ranger relaxing on top of a small hill. The Ranger puts his hands on his 47381hips and screams out, "Do any of you seaweed sucking jarheads think you're 47382man enough to take me on?" 47383 The biggest Marine comes running up the hill, screaming back at the 47384Ranger. When he gets to the top he simply plows into his foe and the two 47385tumble down the other side of the hill, out of sight. There is the sound of 47386a horrendous fight for a moment or two, and then all is quiet. Soon, the 47387Ranger reappears, quite untouched. He puts his hands on his hips and sneers, 47388"Well, looks to me like one of you couldn't do it, how about the rest?" 47389 The enraged Marine platoon leader sends his entire platoon (30+men) 47390charging after the Ranger. They all go tumbling down the far side of the hill. 47391After 15 minutes of screaming and yelling and cursing a lone, bloodied Marine 47392crawls over the top of the hill. The platoon leader yells up to his man, 47393"What's going on up there?" The wounded Marine, with his last bit of breath, 47394replies, "Sir, it's a... a trap, sir. They're two of them!" 47395% 47396This place just isn't big enough for all of us. We've 47397got to find a way off this planet. 47398% 47399This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of 47400the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many 47401solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were 47402largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, 47403which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of 47404paper that were unhappy. 47405 -- Douglas Adams 47406% 47407This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does 47408something child-like. 47409 -- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington 47410% 47411This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real 47412persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some 47413assembly may be required. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during 47414shipment. Use only as directed. May be too intense for some viewers. If 47415condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside. 47416Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. Not responsible for direct, 47417indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error 47418or failure to perform. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Substantial 47419penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Your cancelled 47420check is your receipt. Avoid contact with skin. Employees and their families 47421are not eligible. Beware of dog. Driver does not carry cash. Limited time 47422offer, call now to ensure prompt delivery. Use only in well-ventilated area. 47423Keep away from fire or flame. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does 47424not include taxes, dealer prep, or delivery. Penalty for private use. Call 47425toll free before digging. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product 47426appear for identification purposes only. All models over 18 years of age. Do 47427not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be 47428paid by addressee. Apply only to affected area. One size fits all. Many 47429suitcases look alike. Edited for television. No solicitors. Reproduction 47430strictly prohibited. Restaurant package, not for resale. Objects in mirror 47431are closer than they appear. Decision of judges is final. This supersedes 47432all previous notices. No other warranty expressed or implied. 47433% 47434This sad little lizard told me that he was a brontosaurus on his 47435mother's side. I did not laugh; people who boast of ancestry 47436often have little else to sustain them. Humoring them costs nothing and 47437adds happiness in a world in which happiness is always in short supply. 47438 -- Lazarus Long 47439% 47440This screen intentionally left blank. 47441% 47442This sentence does in fact not have the property it claims not to have. 47443% 47444This sentence no verb. 47445% 47446This system will self-destruct in five minutes. 47447% 47448This thing all things devours: 47449Birds, beasts, trees, flowers; 47450Gnaws iron, bites steel; 47451Grinds hard stones to meal; 47452Slays king, ruins town, 47453And beats high mountain down. 47454% 47455This unit... must... survive. 47456% 47457This universe shipped by weight, not by volume. Some expansion of the 47458contents may have occurred during shipment. 47459% 47460This was a Golden Age, a time of high adventure, rich living, and hard 47461dying... but nobody thought so. This was a future of fortune and theft, 47462pillage and rapine, culture and vice... but nobody admitted it. 47463 -- Alfred Bester, "The Stars My Destination" 47464% 47465This was the most unkindest cut of all. 47466 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 47467% 47468This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. 47469This was terrible with raisins in it. 47470 -- Dorothy Parker 47471% 47472This week only, all our fiber-fill jackets are marked down! 47473% 47474This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it. 47475% 47476This yuppie, see, was in a car wreck. His BMW was mangled, and so was he. 47477The paramedic was leaning over him getting his vitals, and all the yup 47478could groan was "My BMW! My BMW!" 47479 The paramedic tried to quiet the man, pointing out that his car 47480wasn't his chief concern at the moment, especially as he'd been rearranged 47481pretty badly himself -- for example, his left arm was severed at the elbow 47482and was lying about twenty feet away. 47483 There was a moment of stunned silence from the yup followed by 47484"Oh no! My Rolex! My Rolex!" 47485% 47486Those lovable Brits department: 47487 They also have trouble pronouncing `vitamin'. 47488% 47489Those of you who think you know everything 47490are annoying those of us who do. 47491% 47492Those of you who think you know it all upset those of us who do. 47493% 47494Those parts of the system that you can hit with a hammer (not advised) 47495are called hardware; those program instructions that you can only curse 47496at are called software. 47497 -- Levitating Trains and Kamikaze Genes: Technological 47498 Literacy for the 1990's. 47499% 47500Those who are mentally and emotionally healthy are those who have 47501learned when to say yes, when to say no and when to say whoopee. 47502 -- W.S. Krabill 47503% 47504Those who believe in astrology are living in houses with foundations of 47505Silly Putty. 47506 -- Dennis Rawlins 47507% 47508Those who can, do; those who can't, simulate. 47509% 47510Those who can, do; those who can't, write. 47511Those who can't write work for the Bell Labs Record. 47512% 47513Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. 47514 -- George Santayana 47515% 47516Those who can't write, write manuals. 47517% 47518Those who claim the dead never return 47519to life haven't ever been around here at quitting time. 47520% 47521Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics. 47522% 47523Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly. 47524 -- Henry Spencer 47525% 47526Those who do things in a noble spirit of 47527self-sacrifice are to be avoided at all costs. 47528 -- N. Alexander. 47529% 47530Those who educate children well are more to be honored than 47531parents, for these only gave life, those the art of living well. 47532 -- Aristotle 47533% 47534Those who have had no share in the good fortunes of the mighty 47535Often have a share in their misfortunes. 47536 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Caucasian Chalk Circle" 47537% 47538Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the 47539world is love. The poor know that it is money. 47540 -- Gerald Brenan 47541% 47542Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose. 47543% 47544Those who make peaceful revolution impossible 47545will make violent revolution inevitable. 47546 -- John Fitzgerald Kennedy 47547% 47548Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet depreciate agitation, are 47549men who want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean 47550without the roar of its many waters. 47551 -- Frederick Douglass 47552% 47553Those who sweat in flames of hell, Leaden eared, some thought their bowels 47554Here's the reason that they fell: Lispeth forth the sweetest vowels. 47555While on earth they prayed in SAS, These they offered up in praise 47556PL/1, or other crass, Thinking all this fetid haze 47557Vulgar tongue. A rhapsody sung. 47558 47559Some the lord did sorely try Jabber of the mindless horde 47560Assembling all their pleas in hex. Sequel next did mock the lord 47561Speech as crabbed as devil's crable Slothful sequel so enfangled 47562Hex that marked on Tower Babel Its speaker's lips became entangled 47563The highest rung. In his bung. 47564 47565Because in life they prayed so ill 47566And offered god such swinish swill 47567Now they sweat in flames of hell 47568Sweat from lack of APL 47569Sweat dung! 47570% 47571Those who talk don't know. Those who don't talk, know. 47572% 47573Thou hast seen nothing yet. 47574 -- Miguel de Cervantes 47575% 47576Thou shalt not omit adultery. 47577% 47578Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to 47579be maintained. 47580 -- The Tao of Programming 47581% 47582Though I respect that a lot 47583I'd be fired if that were my job 47584After killing Jason off and 47585Countless screaming argonauts 47586 47587Bluebird of friendliness 47588Like guardian angels it's 47589Always near 47590 47591Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch 47592Who watches over you 47593Make a little birdhouse in your soul 47594Not to put too fine a point on it 47595Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet 47596Make a little birdhouse in your soul 47597 47598 -- "Birdhouse in your Soul", They Might Be Giants 47599% 47600Thrashing is just virtual crashing. 47601% 47602Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are 47603the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with 47604Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether -- 47605whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation... 47606A fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any 47607more about the matter than the others. 47608% 47609Three hours a day will produce as much as a man ought to write. 47610 -- Trollope 47611% 47612Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead. 47613 -- Benjamin Franklin 47614% 47615Three Midwesterners, a Kansan, a Missourian and an Iowan, 47616all appearing on a quiz program, were asked to complete this sentence: 47617"Old MacDonald had a . . ." 47618 47619 "Old MacDonald had a carburetor," answered the Kansan. 47620 "Sorry, that's wrong," the game show host said. 47621 "Old MacDonald had a free brake alignment down at the 47622 service station," said the Missourian. 47623 "Wrong." 47624 "Old MacDonald had a farm," said the Iowan. 47625 "CORRECT!" shouts the quizmaster. "Now for $100,000, spell 'farm.'" 47626 "Easy," said the Iowan. "E-I-E-I-O." 47627% 47628Three minutes' thought would suffice to find this out; but thought 47629is irksome and three minutes is a long time. 47630 -- A.E. Houseman 47631% 47632Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too 47633late or a little too early for anything you want to do. 47634 -- Jean-Paul Sartre 47635% 47636Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky, 47637Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone, 47638Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die, 47639One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne 47640In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie. 47641One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, 47642One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them 47643In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie. 47644 -- J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Lord of the Rings" 47645% 47646Three rules for sounding like an expert: 47647 1. Oversimplify your explanations to the point of uselessness. 47648 2. Always point out second-order effects, 47649 but never point out when they can be ignored. 47650 3. Come up with three rules of your own. 47651% 47652Throw away documentation and manuals, 47653and users will be a hundred times happier. 47654Throw away privileges and quotas, 47655and users will do the Right Thing. 47656Throw away proprietary and site licenses, 47657and there won't be any pirating. 47658 47659If these three aren't enough, 47660just stay at your home directory 47661and let all processes take their course. 47662% 47663Thus mathematics may be defined as the subject in which we never know 47664what we are talking about, nor whether what we are saying is true. 47665 -- Bertrand Russell 47666% 47667Thus spake the master programmer: 47668 "A well-written program is its own heaven; a poorly-written program 47669is its own hell." 47670 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 47671% 47672Thus spake the master programmer: 47673 "After three days without programming, life becomes meaningless." 47674 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 47675% 47676Thus spake the master programmer: 47677 "Let the programmer be many and the managers few -- then all will 47678 be productive." 47679 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 47680% 47681Thus spake the master programmer: 47682 "Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to 47683 be maintained." 47684 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 47685% 47686Thus spake the master programmer: 47687 "Time for you to leave." 47688 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 47689% 47690Thus spake the master programmer: 47691 "When program is being tested, it is too late to make design changes." 47692 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 47693% 47694Thus spake the master programmer: 47695 "When you have learned to snatch the error code from 47696 the trap frame, it will be time for you to leave." 47697 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 47698% 47699Thus spake the master programmer: 47700 "Without the wind, the grass does not move. Without software, 47701 hardware is useless." 47702 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 47703% 47704Thus spake the master programmer: 47705 "You can demonstrate a program for a corporate executive, but you 47706 can't make him computer literate." 47707 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 47708% 47709Thyme's Law: 47710 Everything goes wrong at once. 47711% 47712Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day 47713Fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way 47714Kicking around on a piece of ground in your hometown 47715Waiting for someone or something to show you the way 47716 47717Tired of lying in the sunshine And then one day you find 47718Staying home to watch the rain Ten years have got behind you 47719You are young and life is long No one told you when to run 47720And there is time to kill today You missed the starting gun 47721 47722And you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking 47723And racing around to come up behind you again 47724The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older 47725Shorter of breath and one day closer to death 47726 47727Every year is getting shorter Hanging on in quiet desperation 47728 is the English way 47729Never seem to find the time The time is gone, the song is over 47730Plans that either come to nought Thought I'd something more to say... 47731Or half a page of scribbled lines 47732 -- Pink Floyd, "Time" 47733% 47734Tiddely Quiddely 47735Edward M. Kennedy 47736Quite unaccountably 47737Drove in a stream. 47738 47739Pleas of amnesia 47740Incomprehensible 47741Possibly shattered 47742Political dream. 47743% 47744Tiger got to hunt, 47745Bird got to fly; 47746Man got to sit and wonder, "Why, why, why?" 47747 47748Tiger got to sleep, 47749Bird got to land; 47750Man got to tell himself he understand. 47751 -- The Books of Bokonon 47752% 47753Time and tide wait for no man. 47754% 47755Time as he grows old teaches all things. 47756 -- Aeschylus 47757% 47758Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 47759% 47760Time goes, you say? 47761Ah no! 47762Time stays, *we* go. 47763 -- Austin Dobson 47764% 47765Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils. 47766 -- Hector Berlioz 47767% 47768Time is an illusion; lunch-time doubly so. 47769 -- Ford Prefect 47770% 47771Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so. 47772 -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy 47773% 47774Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space. 47775% 47776Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in. 47777 -- Henry David Thoreau 47778% 47779Time is nature's way of making sure that 47780everything doesn't happen at once. 47781 47782Space is nature's way of making sure that 47783everything doesn't happen to you. 47784% 47785Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend. 47786 -- Theophrastus 47787% 47788Time sharing: The use of many people by the computer. 47789% 47790Time sure flies when you don't know what you're doing. 47791% 47792Time to be aggressive. Go after a tattooed Virgo. 47793% 47794Time to take stock. 47795Go home with some office supplies. 47796% 47797Time washes clean 47798Love's wounds unseen. 47799That's what someone told me; 47800But I don't know what it means. 47801 -- Linda Ronstadt, "Long Long Time" 47802% 47803Time will end all my troubles, 47804but I don't always approve of Time's methods. 47805% 47806Time-sharing is the junk-mail part of the computer business. 47807 -- H.R.J. Grosch (attributed) 47808% 47809timesharing, n: 47810 An access method whereby one computer abuses many people. 47811% 47812Timing must be perfect now. 47813Two-timing must be better than perfect. 47814% 47815Tip of the Day: 47816 Never fry bacon in the nude. 47817% 47818Tip O'Neill is just like Congress; old, fat and out of control. 47819 -- J. LeBoutillier 47820% 47821Tip the world over on its side and 47822everything loose will land in Los Angeles. 47823 -- Frank Lloyd Wright 47824% 47825TIPS FOR PERFORMERS: 47826 Playing cards have the top half upside-down to help cheaters. 47827 There are a finite number of jokes in the universe. 47828 Singing is a trick to get people to listen to music longer than 47829 they would ordinarily. 47830 There is no music in space. 47831 People will pay to watch people make sounds. 47832 Everything on stage should be larger than in real life. 47833% 47834TIRED of calculating components of vectors? Displacements along direction of 47835force getting you down? Well, now there's help. Try amazing "Dot-Product", 47836the fast, easy way many professionals have used for years and is now available 47837to YOU through this special offer. Three out of five engineering consultants 47838recommend "Dot-Product" for their clients who use vector products. Mr. 47839Gumbinowitz, mechanical engineer, in a hidden-camera interview... 47840 "Dot-Product really works! Calculating Z-axis force components has 47841 never been easier." 47842Yes, you too can take advantage of the amazing properties of Dot-Product. Use 47843it to calculate forces, velocities, displacements, and virtually any vector 47844components. How much would you pay for it? But wait, it also calculates the 47845work done in Joules, Ergs, and, yes, even BTU's. Divide Dot-Product by the 47846magnitude of the vectors and it becomes an instant angle calculator! Now, how 47847much would you pay? All this can be yours for the low, low price of $19.95!! 47848But that's not all! If you order before midnight, you'll also get "Famous 47849Numbers of Famous People" as a bonus gift, absolutely free! Yes, you'll get 47850Avogadro's number, Planck's, Euler's, Boltzmann's, and many, many, more!! 47851Call 1-800-DOT-6000. Operators are standing by. That number again... 478521-800-DOT-6000. Supplies are limited, so act now. This offer is not 47853available through stores and is void where prohibited by law. 47854% 47855Tis man's perdition to be safe, when for the truth he ought to die. 47856% 47857'Tis more blessed to give than receive; for example, wedding presents. 47858 -- H.L. Mencken 47859% 47860To a Californian, a person must prove himself criminally insane before he 47861is allowed to drive a taxi in New York. For New York cabbies, honesty and 47862stopping at red lights are both optional. 47863 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts 47864% 47865To a Californian, all New Yorkers are cold; even in heat they rarely go 47866above fifty-eight degrees. If you collapse on a street in New York, plan 47867to spend a few days there. 47868 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts 47869% 47870To a Californian, the basic difference between the people and the pigeons 47871in New York is that the pigeons don't shit on each other. 47872 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts 47873% 47874To a New Yorker, all Californians are blond, even the blacks. There are, 47875in fact, whole neighborhoods that are zoned only for blond people. The 47876only way to tell the difference between California and Sweden is that the 47877Swedes speak better English." 47878 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts 47879% 47880To a New Yorker, the only California houses on the market for less than 47881a million dollars are those on fire. These generally go for six hundred 47882thousand. 47883 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts 47884% 47885To accuse others for one's own misfortunes is a sign of want of education. 47886To accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun. To accuse neither 47887oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete. 47888 -- Epictetus 47889% 47890To add insult to injury. 47891 -- Phaedrus 47892% 47893To any truly impartial person, it would 47894be obvious that I am always right. 47895% 47896To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. 47897 -- Elbert Hubbard 47898% 47899To be a kind of moral Unix, he touched the hem of Nature's shift. 47900 -- Shelley 47901% 47902To be beautiful is enough! if a woman can do that well who 47903should demand more from her? You don't want a rose to sing. 47904 -- Thackeray 47905% 47906To be considered successful, a woman must be much better at her job 47907than a man would have to be. Fortunately, this isn't difficult. 47908% 47909To be excellent when engaged in administration is to be like the North 47910Star. As it remains in its one position, all the other stars surround it. 47911 -- Confucius 47912% 47913To be great is to be misunderstood. 47914 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 47915% 47916To be happy one must be a) well fed, unhounded by sordid cares, at ease in 47917Zion, b) full of a comfortable feeling of superiority to the masses of one's 47918fellow men, and c) delicately and unceasingly amused according to one's taste. 47919It is my contention that, if this definition be accepted, there is no country 47920in the world wherein a man constituted as I am -- a man of my peculiar 47921weaknesses, vanities, appetites, and aversions -- can be so happy as he can 47922be in the United States. Going further, I lay down the doctrine that it is 47923a sheer physical impossibility for such a man to live in the United States 47924and not be happy. 47925 -- H.L. Mencken, "On Being An American" 47926% 47927To be is to be related. 47928 -- C.J. Keyser. 47929% 47930To be is to do. 47931 -- I. Kant 47932To do is to be. 47933 -- A. Sartre 47934Do be a Do Bee! 47935 -- Miss Connie, Romper Room 47936Do be do be do! 47937 -- F. Sinatra 47938Yabba-Dabba-Doo! 47939 -- F. Flintstone 47940% 47941To be loved is very demoralizing. 47942 -- Katharine Hepburn 47943% 47944to be nobody but yourself in a world 47945which is doing its best night and day 47946to make you like everybody else 47947means to fight the hardest battle 47948any human being can fight and 47949never stop fighting. 47950 -- e.e. cummings 47951% 47952To be nobody-but-yourself in a world which is doing its best to, 47953night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest 47954battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting. 47955 -- E.E. Cummings, "A Miscellany" 47956% 47957To be or not to be. 47958 -- Shakespeare 47959To do is to be. 47960 -- Nietzsche 47961To be is to do. 47962 -- Sartre 47963Do be do be do. 47964 -- Sinatra 47965% 47966To be or not to be, that is the bottom line. 47967% 47968To be patriotic, hate all nations but your own; to be religious, all sects 47969but your own; to be moral, all pretences but your own. 47970 -- Lionel Strachey 47971% 47972To be successful, a woman has to be much better at her job than a man. 47973 -- Golda Meir 47974% 47975To be successful, a woman must do her job ten times 47976as well as a man. Fortunately, this is not difficult. 47977% 47978To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first 47979and, whatever you hit, call it the target. 47980% 47981To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved. 47982% 47983To be who one is, is not to be someone else. 47984% 47985To be wise, the only thing you really need 47986to know is when to say "I don't know." 47987% 47988To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for 47989you in your private heart is true for all men -- that is genius. 47990 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 47991% 47992To code the impossible code, This is my quest -- 47993To bring up a virgin machine, To debug that code, 47994To pop out of endless recursion, No matter how hopeless, 47995To grok what appears on the screen, No matter the load, 47996 To write those routines 47997To right the unrightable bug, Without question or pause, 47998To endlessly twiddle and thrash, To be willing to hack FORTRAN IV 47999To mount the unmountable magtape, For a heavenly cause. 48000To stop the unstoppable crash! And I know if I'll only be true 48001 To this glorious quest, 48002And the queue will be better for this, That my code will run CUSPy and calm, 48003That one man, scorned and When it's put to the test. 48004 destined to lose, 48005Still strove with his last allocation 48006To scrap the unscrappable kludge! 48007 -- To "The Impossible Dream", from Man of La Mancha 48008% 48009To communicate is the beginning of understanding. 48010 -- AT&T 48011% 48012To converse at the distance of the Indes by means of sympathetic contrivances 48013may be as natural to future times as to us is a literary correspondence. 48014 -- Joseph Glanvill, 1661 48015% 48016To craunch a marmoset. 48017 -- Pedro Carolino, "English as She is Spoke" 48018% 48019To criticize the incompetent is easy; 48020it is more difficult to criticize the competent. 48021% 48022To defend the Saigon regime is not worth one more human life. 48023 -- Senator Edmund Muskie 48024% 48025To do nothing is to be nothing. 48026% 48027To do two things at once is to do neither. 48028 -- Publilius Syrus 48029% 48030To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally 48031convenient solutions; both dispense with the necessity of reflection. 48032 -- H. Poincare 48033% 48034To err is human -- but it feels divine. 48035 -- Mae West 48036% 48037To err is human -- to blame it on a computer is even more so. 48038% 48039To err is human, but I can REALLY foul things up. 48040% 48041To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer. 48042% 48043To err is human, but when the eraser wears out 48044before the pencil, you're overdoing it a little. 48045% 48046To err is human; to admit it, a blunder. 48047% 48048To err is human, to forgive, infrequent. 48049% 48050To err is human, to forgive is against company policy. 48051% 48052To err is human, to forgive is not company policy. 48053% 48054To err is human; to forgive is simply not our policy. 48055 -- MIT Assassination Club 48056% 48057To err is human, to forgive unusual. 48058% 48059To err is human, to purr feline. 48060To err is human, two curs canine. 48061To err is human, to moo bovine. 48062% 48063To err is human, to repent, divine, to persist, devilish. 48064 -- Benjamin Franklin 48065% 48066To err is human. 48067To blame someone else for your mistakes is even more human. 48068% 48069To err is human, 48070To purr feline. 48071 -- Robert Byrne 48072% 48073To err is humor. 48074% 48075To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven: 48076A time to be born, and a time to die; 48077A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted; 48078A time to kill, and a time to heal; 48079A time to break down, and a time to build up; 48080A time to weep, and a time to laugh; 48081A time to mourn, and a time to dance; 48082A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones; 48083A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; 48084A time to gain, and a time to lose; 48085A time to keep, and a time to throw away; 48086A time to tear, and a time to sew; 48087A time to keep silence, and a time to speak; 48088A time to love, and a time to hate; 48089A time of war, and a time of peace. 48090 Ecclesiastes 3:1-9 48091% 48092To fear love is to fear life, and those 48093who fear life are already three parts dead. 48094 -- Bertrand Russell 48095% 48096To find a friend one must close one eye; to keep him -- two. 48097 -- Norman Douglas 48098% 48099To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends. 48100 -- Benjamin Franklin 48101% 48102To get back on your feet, miss two car payments. 48103% 48104To get something clean, one has to get something dirty. 48105To get something dirty, one does not have to get anything clean. 48106% 48107To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three 48108persons, two of them absent. 48109% 48110To give happiness is to deserve happiness. 48111% 48112To give of yourself, you must first know yourself. 48113% 48114To have died once is enough. 48115 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) 48116% 48117To hell with the Prime Directive; 48118Let's KILL something! 48119% 48120To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk. 48121 -- Thomas Edison 48122% 48123To iterate is human, to recurse, divine. 48124 -- Robert Heller 48125% 48126To jaw-jaw is better than to war-war. 48127 -- W. Churchill, on Korean War negotiations 48128% 48129To keep your friends treat them kindly; 48130to kill them, treat them often. 48131% 48132To know Edina is to reject it. 48133 -- Dudley Riggs, "The Year the Grinch Stole the Election" 48134% 48135To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools. 48136% 48137To lead people, you must follow behind. 48138 -- Lao Tsu 48139% 48140To listen to some devout people, 48141one would imagine that God never laughs. 48142 -- Sri Aurobindo 48143% 48144To love is good, love being difficult. 48145% 48146To make an enemy, do someone a favor. 48147% 48148To make tax forms true they should 48149read "Income Owed Us" and "Incommode You". 48150% 48151To many, total abstinence is easier than perfect moderation. 48152 -- St. Augustine 48153% 48154TO ME, CLOWNS AREN'T FUNNY. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered 48155where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the 48156circus and a clown killed my dad. 48157 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 48158% 48159To one large turkey add one gallon of vermouth and a demijohn of Angostura 48160bitters. Shake. 48161 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, recipe for turkey cocktail. 48162% 48163To our sweethearts and wives. May they never meet. 48164 -- 19th century toast 48165% 48166To refuse praise is to seek praise twice. 48167% 48168To restore a sense of reality, I think 48169Walt Disney should have a Hardluckland. 48170 -- Jack Paar 48171% 48172To save a single life is better than to build a seven story pagoda. 48173% 48174To say that UNIX is doomed is pretty rabid, OS/2 will certainly play a role, 48175but you don't build a hundred million instructions per second multiprocessor 48176micro and then try to run it on OS/2. I mean, get serious. 48177 -- William Zachmann, International Data Corp 48178% 48179To say you got a vote of confidence 48180would be to say you needed a vote of confidence. 48181 -- Andrew Young 48182% 48183To see a need and wait to be asked, is to already refuse. 48184% 48185To see the butcher slap the steak, before he laid it on the block, 48186and give his knife a sharpening, was to forget breakfast instantly. It was 48187agreeable, too -it really was- to see him cut it off, so smooth and juicy. 48188There was nothing savage in the act, although the knife was large and keen; 48189it was a piece of art, high art; there was delicacy of touch, clearness of 48190tone, skilful handling of the subject, fine shading. It was the triumph of 48191mind over matter; quite. 48192 -- Dickens, "Martin Chuzzlewit" 48193% 48194To see you is to sympathize. 48195% 48196To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts 48197the job will take the longest and cost the most. 48198% 48199To stand and be still, 48200At the Birkenhead drill, 48201Is a damned tough bullet to chew. 48202 -- Rudyard Kipling 48203% 48204To stay young requires unceasing cultivation 48205of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods. 48206 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love" 48207% 48208To stay youthful, stay useful. 48209% 48210To teach is to learn. 48211% 48212To teach is to learn twice. 48213 -- Joseph Joubert 48214% 48215To the landlord belongs the doorknobs. 48216% 48217To Theodore Roosevelt: 48218 You are like the Wind and I like the Lion. You form the Tempest. 48219The sand stings my eyes and the Ground is parched. I roar in defiance but 48220you do not hear. But between us there is a difference. I, like the lion, 48221must remain in my place. While you, like the wind, will never know yours. 48222 Mulay Hamid El Raisuli 48223 Lord of the Riff 48224 Sultan to the Berbers 48225 Last of the Barbary Pirates 48226% 48227To thine own self be true. 48228(If not that, at least make some money.) 48229% 48230To think contrary to one's era is heroism. But to speak against it is 48231madness. 48232 -- Eugene Ionesco 48233% 48234To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional 48235system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy, 48236inelegant, and unsatisfying. But it's a question of congruence: 48237precision and flexibility may be just as disfunctional in novel, 48238uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar, 48239well-defined ones. Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures 48240of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very 48241secure ecological niche. 48242 -- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers" 48243% 48244TO THOSE OF YOU WHO DESIRE IT, I GRANT YOU MADRAK'S BLESSING: 48245 48246 Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care 48247what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you 48248may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness. 48249 Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else be required 48250to ensure any possible benefit for which you may be eligible after the 48251destruction of your body, I ask that this, whatever it may be, be granted 48252or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to ensure your 48253receiving said benefit. 48254 I ask this in my capacity as your elected intermediary between 48255yourself and that which may have an interest in the matter of your receiving 48256as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and which may 48257in some way be influenced by this ceremony. 48258 Amen. 48259 -- Roger Zelazny, "Creatures of Light and Darkness" 48260% 48261To understand a program you must become both the machine and the program. 48262% 48263To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what 48264he has already achieved, but at what he aspires to do. 48265% 48266To use violence is to already be defeated. 48267 -- Chinese proverb 48268% 48269To whom the mornings are like nights, 48270What must the midnights be! 48271 -- Emily Dickinson (on hacking?) 48272% 48273To write a sonnet you must ruthlessly 48274strip down your words to naked, willing flesh. 48275Then bind them to a metaphor or three, 48276and take by force a satisfying mesh. 48277Arrange them to your will, each foot in place. 48278You are the master here, and they the slaves. 48279Now whip them to maintain a constant pace 48280and rhythm as they stand in even staves. 48281A word that strikes no pleasure? Cast it out! 48282What use are words that drive not to the heart? 48283A lazy phrase? Discard it, shrug off doubt, 48284and choose more docile words to take its part. 48285A well-trained sonnet lives to entertain, 48286by making love directly to the brain. 48287% 48288To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the loyal opposition. 48289 -- Woody Allen 48290% 48291Tobacco is a filthy weed, 48292That from the devil does proceed; 48293It drains your purse, it burns your clothes, 48294And makes a chimney of your nose. 48295 -- B. Waterhouse 48296% 48297TODAY: 48298 A nice place to visit, but you can't stay here for long. 48299% 48300Today is a good day for information-gathering. 48301Read someone else's mail file. 48302% 48303Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official. 48304% 48305Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day. 48306% 48307Today is the first day of the rest of the mess. 48308% 48309Today is the first day of the rest of your life. 48310% 48311Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage. 48312% 48313Today is the last day of your life so far. 48314% 48315Today is what happened to yesterday. 48316% 48317Today when a man gets married he gets a home, a housekeeper, a cook, a 48318cheering squad and another paycheck. When a woman marries, she gets a 48319boarder. 48320% 48321Today you'll start getting heavy metal radio on your dentures. 48322% 48323Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new 48324cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more 48325spectacular adventure starring... Tippy, the Wonder Dog! 48326 -- Bob & Ray 48327% 48328Today's weirdness is tomorrow's reason why. 48329 -- H.S. Thompson 48330% 48331Toddlers are the stormtroopers of the Lord of Entropy. 48332% 48333toilet toupee, n: 48334 Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus 48335 creating endless annoyance to male users. 48336 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 48337% 48338Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad name. 48339 -- Gore Vidal 48340% 48341Tomorrow, this will be part of the unchangeable past 48342but fortunately, it can still be changed today. 48343% 48344Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest. 48345% 48346Tomorrow, you can be anywhere. 48347% 48348Tomorrow's computers some time next month. 48349 -- DEC 48350% 48351Tom's hungry, time to eat lunch. 48352% 48353Tonight you will pay the wages of sin; 48354Don't forget to leave a tip. 48355% 48356Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree. 48357% 48358Toni's Solution to a Guilt-Free Life: 48359 If you have to lie to someone, it's their fault. 48360% 48361Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy 48362driving cabs and cutting hair. 48363 -- George Burns 48364% 48365TOO BAD YOU CAN'T BUY a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin 48366real fast and freak everybody out. 48367 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 48368% 48369Too clever is dumb. 48370 -- Ogden Nash 48371% 48372Too cool to calypso, 48373Too tough to tango, 48374Too weird to watusi 48375 -- The Only Ones 48376% 48377Too Late 48378 A large number of turkies [sic] went to San Francisco yesterday by 48379the two o'clock boats. If their object in going down was to participate in 48380the Thanksgiving festivities of that city, they would arrive "the day after 48381the affair," and of course be sadly disappointed thereby. 48382 -- Sacramento Daily Union, November 29, 1861 48383% 48384Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity. 48385They seem more afraid of life than death. 48386 -- James F. Byrnes 48387% 48388Too much is just enough. 48389 -- Mark Twain, on whiskey 48390% 48391Too much is not enough. 48392% 48393Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL. 48394 -- Mae West 48395% 48396Too often people have come to me and said, "If I had just one wish for 48397anything in all the world, I would wish for more user-defined equations 48398in the HP-51820A Waveform Generator Software." 48399 -- Instrument News 48400 [Once is too often. Ed.] 48401% 48402Too ripped. Gotta go. 48403% 48404Toothpaste never hurts the taste of good scotch. 48405% 48406Top Ten Things Overheard At The ANSI C Draft Committee Meetings: 48407 4840810: Sorry, but that's too useful. 48409 9: Dammit, little-endian systems *are* more consistent! 48410 8: I'm on the committee and I *still* don't know what the hell 48411 #pragma is for. 48412 7: Well, it's an excellent idea, but it would make the compilers too 48413 hard to write. 48414 6: Them bats is smart; they use radar. 48415 5: All right, who's the wiseguy who stuck this trigraph stuff in here? 48416 4: How many times do we have to tell you, "No prior art!" 48417 3: Ha, ha, I can't believe they're actually going to adopt this sucker. 48418 2: Thank you for your generous donation, Mr. Wirth. 48419 1: Gee, I wish we hadn't backed down on 'noalias'. 48420% 48421Topologists are just plane folks. 48422 Pilots are just plane folks. 48423 Carpenters are just plane folks. 48424 Midwest farmers are just plain folks. 48425 Musicians are just playin' folks. 48426 Whodunit readers are just Spillaine folks. 48427Some Londoners are just P. Lane folks. 48428% 48429Torque is cheap. 48430% 48431Total strangers need love, too; and I'm stranger than most. 48432% 48433TOTD (T-shirt Of The Day): 48434 I'm the person your mother warned you about. 48435% 48436Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore. 48437 -- Judy Garland, "Wizard of Oz" 48438% 48439Tourists -- have some fun with New York's hard-boiled cabbies. When you 48440get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitch-hiking." 48441 -- David Letterman 48442% 48443Tout choses sont dites deja, mais comme 48444personne n'ecoute, il faut toujours recommencer. 48445 -- A. Gide 48446% 48447Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines. 48448 -- David Letterman 48449% 48450TRANSACTION CANCELLED - FARECARD RETURNED 48451% 48452TRANSFER: 48453 A promotion you receive on the condition that you leave town. 48454% 48455TRANSPARENT: 48456 Being or pertaining to an existing, nontangible object. 48457 "It's there, but you can't see it" 48458 -- IBM System/360 announcement, 1964. 48459 48460VIRTUAL: 48461 Being or pertaining to a tangible, nonexistent object. 48462 "I can see it, but it's not there." 48463 -- Lady Macbeth. 48464% 48465TRANSVESTITE: 48466 Someone who spends his junior year at college abroad. 48467% 48468Trap full -- please empty. 48469% 48470TRAVEL: 48471 Something that makes you feel like you're getting somewhere. 48472% 48473Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow. 48474% 48475Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy. 48476 -- Han Solo 48477% 48478Traveling through New England, a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny village. 48479"What's this place called?" he asked the station attendant. 48480 "All depends," the native drawled. "Do you mean by them that has 48481to live in this dad-blamed, moth-eaten, dust-covered, one-hoss dump, or 48482by them that's merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic charms 48483for a short spell?" 48484% 48485Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy. 48486 -- Publilius Syrus 48487% 48488Treaties are like roses and young girls -- they last while they last. 48489 -- Charles DeGaulle 48490% 48491Trifles make perfection, and perfection is no trifle. 48492 -- Michelangelo 48493% 48494Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level. 48495% 48496Trouble always comes at the wrong time. 48497% 48498Trouble strikes in series of threes, but when working around the house the 48499next job after a series of three is not the fourth job -- it's the start of 48500a brand new series of three. 48501% 48502Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are 48503beautiful and wealthy and live in eucalyptus trees. 48504% 48505Troubles are like babies; they only grow by nursing. 48506% 48507True happiness will be found only in true love. 48508% 48509True leadership is the art of changing 48510a group from what it is to what it ought to be. 48511 -- Virginia Allan 48512% 48513True to our past we work with an inherited, observed, and accepted vision of 48514personal futility, and of the beauty of the world. 48515 -- David Mamet 48516% 48517Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence. 48518 -- Henrik Tikkanen 48519% 48520Truly simple systems... require infinite testing. 48521 -- Norman Augustine 48522% 48523Trust everybody, but cut the cards. 48524 -- Finlay Peter Dunne, "Mr. Dooley's Philosophy" 48525% 48526Trust in Allah, but tie your camel. 48527 -- Arabian proverb 48528% 48529TRUST ME: 48530 Get me, give me, buy me, do me. 48531% 48532TRUST ME: 48533 Translation of the Latin "caveat emptor." 48534% 48535Trust your husband, adore your husband, 48536and get as much as you can in your own name. 48537 -- Joan Rivers 48538% 48539Truth can wait; he's used to it. 48540% 48541Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now -- always. 48542 -- Albert Schweitzer 48543% 48544Truth is free, but information costs. 48545% 48546Truth is hard to find and harder to obscure. 48547% 48548"Truth is stranger than fiction, because fiction has to make sense." 48549% 48550Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it. 48551 -- Mark Twain 48552% 48553Truth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominy 48554of him that brought her birth. 48555 -- Milton 48556% 48557Truth will out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.) 48558% 48559TRUTHFUL: 48560 Dumb and illiterate. 48561% 48562try again 48563% 48564Try not to have a good time ... 48565This is supposed to be educational. 48566 -- Charles Schulz 48567% 48568Try not. 48569Do. 48570Or do not. 48571There is no try. 48572% 48573Try `stty 0' -- it works much better. 48574% 48575Try the Moo Shu Pork. It is especially good today. 48576% 48577Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good. 48578% 48579Try to divide your time evenly to keep others happy. 48580% 48581Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading: Was it done, is 48582it being done, or is something to be done? Reports are now written in four 48583tenses: past tense, present tense, future tense, and pretense. Watch for 48584novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmer), defined by the imperfect past, 48585the insufficient present, and the absolutely perfect future. 48586 -- Amrom Katz 48587% 48588Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance. 48589% 48590Try to have as good a life as you can under the circumstances. 48591% 48592Try to relax and enjoy the crisis. 48593 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 48594% 48595Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you. 48596% 48597Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for 48598which the only specification is that it should run noiselessly. 48599% 48600Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth. 48601 -- Alan Watts 48602% 48603Trying to get an education here is like 48604trying to take a drink from a fire hose. 48605% 48606T-shirt: 48607 Life is *not* a Cabaret, and stop calling me chum! 48608% 48609Tuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week. 48610% 48611Tuesday is the Wednesday of the rest of your life. 48612% 48613Turn on, tune in, and take over. 48614 -- Tim Leary 48615% 48616Turn the other cheek. 48617 -- Jesus Christ 48618% 48619Turnaucka's Law: 48620 The attention span of a computer is only as long as its 48621 electrical cord. 48622% 48623Tussman's Law: 48624 Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. 48625% 48626TV is chewing gum for the eyes. 48627 -- Frank Lloyd Wright 48628% 48629'Twas a woman who drove me to drink, 48630and I never even had the decency to thank her. 48631 -- R.B. Gossling 48632% 48633"Twas bergen and the eirie road 48634Did mahwah into patterson: "Beware the Hopatcong, my son! 48635All jersey were the ocean groves, The teeth that bite, the nails 48636And the red bank bayonne. that claw! 48637 Beware the bound brook bird, and shun 48638He took his belmar blade in hand: The kearney communipaw." 48639Long time the folsom foe he sought 48640Till rested he by a bayway tree And, as in nutley thought he stood, 48641And stood a while in thought. The Hopatcong with eyes of flame, 48642 Came whippany through the englewood, 48643One, two, one, two, and through And garfield as it came. 48644 and through 48645The belmar blade went hackensack! "And hast thou slain the Hopatcong? 48646He left it dead and with it's head Come to my arms, my perth amboy! 48647He went weehawken back. Hohokus day! Soho! Rahway!" 48648 He caldwell in his joy. 48649Did mahwah into patterson: 48650All jersey were the ocean groves, 48651And the red bank bayonne. 48652 -- Paul Kieffer 48653% 48654'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves And as in uffish thought he stood 48655Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. The Jabberwock, with eyes aflame 48656All mimsy were the borogroves Came whuffling through the tulgey wood 48657And the mome raths outgrabe. And burbled as it came! 48658 48659"Beware the Jabberwock, my son! One! Two! One! Two! 48660The jaws that bite, and through and through 48661 the claws that catch! The vorpal blade went snicker-snack. 48662Beware the Jubjub bird, He left it dead, and took its head, 48663And shun the frumious Bandersnatch!" And went galumphing back. 48664 48665He took his vorpal sword in hand "Hast thou slain the Jabberwock? 48666Long time the manxome foe he sought. Come to my arms, my beamish boy! 48667So rested he by the tumtum tree Oh frabjous day! Calooh! Callay!" 48668And stood awhile in thought. He chortled in his joy. 48669 48670 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves 48671 Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. 48672 All mimsy were the borogroves 48673 -- Lewis Carroll 48674% 48675'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves 48676Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. "Beware the Jabberwock, my son! 48677All mimsy were the borogroves The jaws that bite, the claws 48678And the mome raths outgrabe. that catch! 48679 Beware the Jubjub bird, 48680He took his vorpal sword in hand And shun the frumious Bandersnatch!" 48681Long time the manxome foe he sought. 48682So rested he by the tumtum tree And as in uffish thought he stood 48683And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberwock, with eyes aflame 48684 Came whuffling through the tulgey wood 48685One! Two! One! Two! And through and And burbled as it came! 48686 through 48687The vorpal blade went snicker-snack. "Hast thou slain the Jabberwock? 48688He left it dead, and took its head, Come to my arms, my beamish boy! 48689And went galumphing back. Oh frabjous day! Calooh! Callay!" 48690 He chortled in his joy. 48691'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves 48692Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. 48693All mimsy were the borogroves 48694And the mome raths outgrabe. 48695 -- Lewis Carroll, "Jabberwocky" 48696% 48697'Twas bullig, and the slithy brokers 48698Did buy and gamble in the craze "Beware the Jabberstock, my son! 48699All rosy were the Dow Jones stokers The cost that bites, the worth 48700By market's wrath unphased. that falls! 48701 Beware the Econ'mist's word, and shun 48702He took his forecast sword in hand: The spurious Street o' Walls!" 48703Long time the Boesk'some foe he sought - 48704Sake's liquidity, so d'vested he, And as in bearish thought he stood 48705And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberstock, with clothes of tweed, 48706 Came waffling with the truth too good, 48707Chip Black! Chip Blue! And through And yuppied great with greed! 48708 and through 48709The forecast blade went snicker-snack! "And hast thou slain the Jabberstock? 48710It bit the dirt, and with its shirt, Come to my firm, V.P.ish boy! 48711He went rebounding back. O big bucks day! Moolah! Good Play!" 48712 He bought him a Mercedes Toy. 48713'Twas panic, and the slithy brokers 48714Did gyre and tumble in the Crash 48715All flimsy were the Dow Jones stokers 48716And mammon's wrath them bash! 48717 -- Peter Stucki, "Jabberstocky" 48718% 48719'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks 48720Did gyre and gimble in their cave 48721All mimsy was the CS-VAX 48722And Cory raths outgrave. 48723 48724"Beware the software rot, my son! 48725The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash! 48726Beware the broken pipe, and shun 48727The frumious system crash!" 48728% 48729'Twas midnight on the ocean, Her children all were orphans, 48730Not a streetcar was in sight, Except one a tiny tot, 48731So I stepped into a cigar store Who had a home across the way 48732To ask them for a light. Above a vacant lot. 48733 48734The man behind the counter As I gazed through the oaken door 48735Was a woman, old and gray, A whale went drifting by, 48736Who used to peddle doughnuts Its six legs hanging in the air, 48737On the road to Mandalay. So I kissed her goodbye. 48738 48739She said "Good morning, stranger", This story has a morale 48740Her eyes were dry with tears, As you can plainly see, 48741As she put her head between her feet Don't mix your gin with whiskey 48742And stood that way for years. On the deep and dark blue sea. 48743 -- Midnight On The Ocean 48744% 48745'Twas the night before Christmas -- the very last one -- 48746When the blazing of lasers destroyed all our fun. 48747Just as Santa had lifted off, driving his sleigh, 48748A satellite spotted him making his way. 48749The Star Wars Defense System -- Reagan's desire 48750Was ready for action, and started to fire! 48751The laser beams criss-crossed and lit up the sky 48752Like a fireworks show on the Fourth of July. 48753I'd just finished wrapping the last of the toys 48754When out of my chimney there came a great noise. 48755I looked to the fireplace, hoping to see 48756St. Nick bringing presents for missus and me. 48757But what I saw next was disturbing and shocking: 48758A flaming red jacket setting fire to my stocking! 48759Charred reindeer remains and a melted sleigh-bell; 48760Outside burning toys like confetti they fell. 48761So now you know, children, why Christmas is gone: 48762The Star Wars computer had got something wrong. 48763Only programmed for battle, it hadn't a heart; 48764'Twas hardly a chance it would work from the start. 48765It couldn't be tested, and no one could tell, 48766If the crazy contraption would work very well. 48767So after a trillion or two had been spent 48768The system thought Santa a Red missile sent. 48769So kids dry your tears now, and get off to bed, 48770There won't be a Christmas -- since Santa is dead. 48771% 48772Twenty two thousand days. 48773Twenty two thousand days. 48774It's not a lot. 48775It's all you've got. 48776Twenty two thousand days. 48777 -- Moody Blues, "Twenty Two Thousand Days" 48778% 48779Two battleships assigned to the training squadron had been at sea on maneuvers 48780in heavy weather for several days. I was serving on the lead battleship and 48781was on watch on the bridge as night fell. The visibility was poor with patchy 48782fog, so the Captain remained on the bridge keeping an eye on all activities. 48783 Shortly after dark, the lookout on the wing of the bridge reported, 48784"Light, bearing on the starboard bow." 48785 "Is it steady or moving astern?" the Captain called out. 48786 Lookout replied, "Steady, Captain," which meant we were on a dangerous 48787collision course with that ship. 48788 The Captain then called to the signalman, "Signal that ship: We are on 48789a collision course, advise you change course 20 degrees." 48790 Back came a signal "Advisable for you to change course 20 degrees." 48791 In reply, the Captain said, "Send: I'm a Captain, change course 20 48792degrees!" 48793 "I'm a seaman second class," came the reply, "You had better change 48794course 20 degrees." 48795 By that time, the Captain was furious. He spit out, "Send: I'm a 48796battleship, change course 20 degrees." 48797 Back came the flashing light: "I'm a lighthouse!" 48798 We changed course. 48799 -- The Naval Institute's "Proceedings" 48800% 48801Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long. 48802 -- Howard Kandel 48803% 48804Two cars in every pot and a chicken in every garage. 48805% 48806Two Finns and a penguin are sitting on the front porch of a large house. The 48807penguin is dripping in sweat; his owner looks down and says to the other Finn, 48808"Hey Urho, I want that you should take the penguin to the zoo, okay?" The 48809owner then runs off to the sauna. When he gets out of the sauna, he looks 48810up at the porch, and sure enough, there is Urho and the penguin, sweating 48811away. So he yells out "Hey, Urho, I thought I told you to take the penguin to 48812the zoo, I did." And Urho yells back "Yup, and tomorrow we're going to 48813the movies!" 48814% 48815Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his 48816barstool and lay motionless on the floor. 48817 "One thing about Jim," the other said to the bartender, "he sure 48818knows when to stop." 48819% 48820Two heads are better than one. 48821 -- John Heywood 48822% 48823Two heads are more numerous than one. 48824% 48825Two hundred years ago today, Irma Chine of White Plains, New York, was 48826performing her normal housekeeping routines. She was interrupted by 48827British soldiers who, rallying to the call of their supervisor, General 48828Hughes, sought to gain control of the voter registration lists kept in 48829her home. Masking her fear and thinking fast, Mrs. Chine quickly divided 48830a nearby apple in two and deftly stored the list in its center. Upon 48831entering, the British blatantly violated every conceivable convention, 48832and, though they went through the house virtually bit by bit, their 48833search was fruitless. They had to return empty handed. Word of the 48834incident propagated rapidly through the region. This historic event 48835became the first documented use of core storage for the saving of registers. 48836% 48837Two is company, three is an orgy. 48838% 48839Two is not equal to three, even for large values of two. 48840% 48841Two men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a 48842canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea. We can 48843call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices to the 48844end of the canyon. Someone's bound to hear us by then!" 48845 So he leans over the basket and screams out, "Helllloooooo! Where 48846are we?" (They hear the echo several times). 48847 Fifteen minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo! 48848You're lost!" 48849 The shouter comments, "That must have been a mathematician." 48850 Puzzled, his friend asks, "Why do you say that?" 48851 "For three reasons. First, he took a long time to answer, second, 48852he was absolutely correct, and, third, his answer was absolutely useless." 48853% 48854Two men came before Nasrudin when he was magistrate. The first man said, 48855"This man has bitten my ear -- I demand compensation." The second man said, 48856"He bit it himself." Nasrudin withdrew to his chambers, and spent an hour 48857trying to bite his own ear. He succeeded only in falling over and bruising 48858his forehead. Returning to the courtroom, Nasrudin pronounced, "Examine 48859the man whose ear was bitten. If his forehead is bruised, he did it himself 48860and the case is dismissed. If his forehead is not bruised, the other man 48861did it and must pay three silver pieces." 48862% 48863Two men look out through the same bars; one sees mud, and one the stars. 48864% 48865Two men were sitting over coffee, contemplating the nature of things, 48866with all due respect for their breakfast. "I wonder why it is that 48867toast always falls on the buttered side," said one. 48868 "Tell me," replied his friend, "why you say such a thing. Look 48869at this." And he dropped his toast on the floor, where it landed on the 48870dry side. 48871 "So, what have you to say for your theory now?" 48872 "What am I to say? You obviously buttered the wrong side." 48873% 48874Two peanuts were walking through the New York. One was assaulted. 48875% 48876Two percent of zero is almost nothing. 48877% 48878Two rights don't make a wrong, they make an airplane. 48879% 48880Two Russian friends happen to meet in Red Square. One of them says, "By 48881the way, did you hear that Romanov died?" 48882 "No," replied the other, "I didn't even know he'd been arrested!" 48883% 48884Two sure ways to tell a REALLY sexy man; the first is, he has a bad memory. 48885I forget the second. 48886% 48887Two Swedish guys get of a ship and head for the nearest bars. Each one 48888orders two vodkas and immediately downs them. They they order two more 48889and once again quickly throw them back. They then order two more. When 48890they arrive, one of them picks up his glass, and, turning to the other, 48891toasts him, "Skoal!" 48892 The other turns to the first man and scolds, "Hey! Did you come 48893here to screw around, or did you come here to drink?" 48894% 48895Two wrongs are only the beginning. 48896 -- Kohn 48897% 48898Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse. 48899 -- Thomas Szasz 48900% 48901Tyger, Tyger, burning bright Where the hammer? Where the chain? 48902In the forests of the night, In what furnace was thy brain? 48903What immortal hand or eye What the anvil? What dread grasp 48904Dare frame thy fearful symmetry? Dare its deadly terrors clasp? 48905 48906Burnt in distant deeps or skies When the stars threw down their spears 48907The cruel fire of thine eyes? And water'd heaven with their tears 48908On what wings dare he aspire? Dare he laugh his work to see? 48909What the hand dare seize the fire? Dare he who made the lamb make thee? 48910 48911And what shoulder & what art Tyger, Tyger, burning bright 48912Could twist the sinews of they heart? In the forests of the night, 48913And when thy heart began to beat What immortal hand or eye 48914What dread hand & what dread feet Dare frame thy fearful symmetry? 48915 48916Could fetch it from the furnace deep 48917And in thy horrid ribs dare steep 48918In the well of sanguine woe? 48919In what clay & in what mould 48920Were thy eyes of fury roll'd? 48921 -- William Blake, "The Tyger" 48922% 48923Type louder, please. 48924% 48925U: There's a U -- a Unicorn! 48926 Run right up and rub its horn. 48927 Look at all those points you're losing! 48928 UMBER HULKS are so confusing. 48929 -- The Roguelet's ABC 48930% 48931Udall's Fourth Law: 48932 Any change or reform you make 48933 is going to have consequences you don't like. 48934% 48935UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist. 48936% 48937Uh-oh -- I've let the cat out of the bag. Let me, then, 48938straightforwardly state the thesis I shall now elaborate: 48939Making variations on a theme is really the crux of creativity. 48940 -- Douglas R. Hofstadter, "Metamagical Themas" 48941% 48942Ummm, well, OK. The network's the network, the computer's the computer. 48943Sorry for the confusion. 48944 -- Sun Microsystems 48945% 48946Unbearably lovely music is heard as the curtain rises, and we see the 48947woods on a summer afternoon. A fawn dances on and nibbles at some 48948leaves. He drifts lazily through the soft foliage. Soon he starts 48949coughing and drops dead. 48950 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 48951% 48952Uncle Cosmo, why do they call this a word processor? 48953It's simple, Skyler. You've seen what food processors do to food, right? 48954% 48955Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb: 48956 Never use your thumb for a rule. 48957 You'll either hit it with a hammer or get a splinter in it. 48958% 48959Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some 48960ordinance under which you can be booked. 48961 -- Robert D. Sprecht, Rand Corp. 48962% 48963Under capitalism, man exploits man. 48964Under communism, it's just the opposite. 48965 -- J.K. Galbraith 48966% 48967Under deadline pressure for the next week. 48968If you want something, it can wait. 48969Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic... 48970% 48971Under every stone lurks a politician. 48972 -- Aristophanes 48973% 48974Under the wide an starry sky, 48975Dig my grave and let me lie, 48976Glad did I live and gladly die, 48977And laid me down with a will, 48978And this be the verse that you grave for me, 48979Here he lies where he longed to be, 48980Home is the sailor home from the sea, 48981And the hunter home from the hill. 48982 -- R. Kipling 48983% 48984Under the wide and heavy VAX 48985Dig my grave and let me relax 48986Long have I lived, and many my hacks 48987And I lay me down with a will. 48988These be the words that tell the way: 48989"Here he lies who piped 64K, 48990Brought down the machine for nearly a day, 48991And Rogue playing to an awful standstill." 48992% 48993Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics: 48994 Superiority is recessive. 48995% 48996understand, v: 48997 To reach a point, in your investigation of some subject, at which 48998 you cease to examine what is really present, and operate on the 48999 basis of your own internal model instead. 49000% 49001Understanding is always the understanding of a smaller problem 49002in relation to a bigger problem. 49003 -- P.D. Ouspensky 49004% 49005Unfair animal names: 49006 49007-- tsetse fly -- bullhead 49008-- booby -- duck-billed platypus 49009-- sapsucker -- Clarence 49010 -- Gary Larson 49011% 49012UNFAIR COMPETITION: 49013 Selling cheaper than we do. 49014% 49015Unfortunately, most programmers like to play with new toys. I have many 49016friends who, immediately upon buying a snakebite kit, would be tempted to 49017throw the first person they see to the ground, tie the tourniquet on him, 49018slash him with the knife, and apply suction to the wound. 49019 -- Jon Bentley 49020% 49021Unhappy the land that needs heroes. 49022 -- Bertolt Brecht 49023% 49024UNION: 49025 A dues-paying club workers wield to strike management. 49026% 49027United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the Christmas 49028season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of all the military 49029forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of all the patriots of 49030every persuasion. Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time 49031low over the world. 49032 -- Isaac Asimov 49033% 49034UNIVERSE: 49035 The problem. 49036% 49037universe, n: 49038 The problem. 49039% 49040Universities are places of knowledge. The freshman each bring a little 49041in with them, and the seniors take none away, so knowledge accumulates. 49042% 49043UNIVERSITY: 49044 Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's 49045 usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell 49046 you how to fix it, and... 49047 49048 [Okay, okay, I'll leave it in, but I think you're destroying 49049 the credibility of the entire fortune program. Ed.] 49050% 49051University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small. 49052 -- Henry Kissinger 49053% 49054UNIX enhancements aren't. 49055% 49056Unix gives you just enough rope to hang yourself -- and then a couple 49057of more feet, just to be sure. 49058 -- Eric Allman 49059 49060... We make rope. 49061 -- Rob Gingell on Sun Microsystems' new virtual memory. 49062% 49063Unix is a lot more complicated (than CP/M) of course -- the typical Unix 49064hacker can never remember what the PRINT command is called this week -- 49065but when it gets right down to it, Unix is a glorified video game. 49066People don't do serious work on Unix systems; they send jokes around the 49067world on USENET or write adventure games and research papers. 49068 -- E. Post 49069 "Real Programmers Don't Use Pascal", Datamation, 7/83 49070% 49071Unix is a Registered Bell of AT&T Trademark Laboratories. 49072 -- Donn Seeley 49073% 49074UNIX is hot. It's more than hot. It's steaming. It's quicksilver 49075lightning with a laserbeam kicker. 49076 -- Michael Jay Tucker 49077% 49078UNIX is many things to many people, 49079but it's never been everything to anybody. 49080% 49081Unix is the worst operating system; except for all others. 49082 -- Berry Kercheval 49083% 49084Unix, n: 49085 A computer operating system, once thought to be flabby and 49086 impotent, that now shows a surprising interest in making off 49087 with the workstation harem. 49088% 49089unix soit qui mal y pense 49090% 49091UNIX was not designed to stop you from doing stupid things, because that 49092would also stop you from doing clever things. 49093 -- Doug Gwyn 49094% 49095Unix will self-destruct in five seconds... 4... 3... 2... 1... 49096% 49097Unknown person(s) stole the American flag from its pole in Etra Park sometime 49098between 3pm Jan 17 and 11:30 am Jan 20. The flag is described as red, white 49099and blue, having 50 stars and was valued at $40. 49100 -- Windsor-Heights Herald "Police Blotter", Jan 28, 1987 49101% 49102Unless hours were cups of sack, and minutes capons, and clocks the tongues 49103of bawds, and dials the signs of leaping houses, and the blessed sun himself 49104a fair, hot wench in flame-colored taffeta, I see no reason why thou shouldst 49105be so superfluous to demand the time of the day. I wasted time and now doth 49106time waste me. 49107 -- William Shakespeare 49108% 49109Unless you love someone, nothing else makes any sense. 49110 -- E.E. Cummings 49111% 49112Unnamed Law: 49113 If it happens, it must be possible. 49114% 49115Unprovided with original learning, unformed in the habits of thinking, 49116unskilled in the arts of composition, I resolved to write a book. 49117 -- Edward Gibbon 49118% 49119Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now 49120pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages. 49121 -- H.L. Mencken 49122% 49123Until Eve arrived, this was a man's world. 49124 -- Richard Amour 49125% 49126UNTOLD WEALTH: 49127 What you left out on April 15th. 49128% 49129Up against the net, redneck mother, 49130Mother who has raised your son so well; 49131He's seventeen and hackin' on a Macintosh, 49132Flaming spelling errors and raisin' hell... 49133% 49134Uppers are no longer stylish, methedrine is almost as rare as pure acid 49135or DMT. "Consciousness Expansion" went out with LBJ and it is worth 49136noting, historically, that downers came in with Nixon. 49137 -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson 49138% 49139Usage: fortune -P [-f] -a [xsz] Q: file [rKe9] -v6[+] file1 ... 49140% 49141Use a pun, go to jail. 49142% 49143Use an accordion. Go to jail. 49144 -- KFOG, San Francisco 49145% 49146Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent 49147if no birds sang there except those that sang best. 49148 -- Henry Van Dyke 49149% 49150USENET would be a better laboratory is there were 49151more labor and less oratory. 49152 -- Elizabeth Haley 49153% 49154USER: 49155 A programmer who will believe anything you tell him. 49156% 49157User hostile. 49158% 49159user, n: 49160 The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot." 49161 -- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top" 49162 49163[I always thought "computer professional" was the phrase hackers used 49164 when they meant "idiot." Ed.] 49165% 49166Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach. 49167 -- S.C. Johnson 49168% 49169Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef. 49170 -- Tom Robbins 49171% 49172/usr/news/gotcha 49173% 49174Usually, when a lot of men get together, it's called a war. 49175 -- Mel Brooks, "The Listener" 49176% 49177VACATION: 49178 A two-week binge of rest and relaxation so intense that 49179 it takes another 50 weeks of your restrained workaday 49180 life-style to recuperate. 49181% 49182Van Roy's Law: 49183 An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. 49184% 49185Van Roy's Law: 49186 Honesty is the best policy - there's less competition. 49187 49188Van Roy's Truism: 49189 Life is a whole series of circumstances beyond your control. 49190% 49191Variables don't; constants aren't. 49192% 49193Vax Vobiscum 49194% 49195Vegetables are what food eats. 49196Fruit are vegetables that fool you by tasting good. 49197Fish are fast moving vegetables. 49198Mushrooms are what grows on vegetables when food's done with them. 49199 -- Meat Eater's Credo, according to Jim Williams 49200% 49201Vegetarians beware! You are what you eat. 49202% 49203Velilind's Laws of Experimentation: 49204 1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once. 49205 2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points. 49206% 49207Veni, Vidi, VISA: 49208 I came, I saw, I did a little shopping. 49209% 49210Verba volant, scripta manent! 49211% 49212Vermouth always makes me brilliant unless it makes me idiotic. 49213 -- E.F. Benson 49214% 49215Very few people do anything creative after the age of thirty-five. The 49216reason is that very few people do anything creative before the age of 49217thirty-five. 49218 -- Joel Hildebrand 49219% 49220Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters. 49221% 49222Very few things actually get manufactured these days, because in an 49223infinitely large Universe, such as the one in which we live, most things one 49224could possibly imagine, and a lot of things one would rather not, grow 49225somewhere. A forest was discovered recently in which most of the trees grew 49226ratchet screwdrivers as fruit. The life cycle of the ratchet screwdriver is 49227quite interesting. Once picked it needs a dark dusty drawer in which it can 49228lie undisturbed for years. Then one night it suddenly hatches, discards its 49229outer skin that crumbles into dust, and emerges as a totally unidentifiable 49230little metal object with flanges at both ends and a sort of ridge and a hole 49231for a screw. This, when found, will get thrown away. No one knows what the 49232screwdriver is supposed to gain from this. Nature, in her infinite wisdom, 49233is presumably working on it. 49234% 49235Very few things happen at the right time, and the rest do not happen 49236at all. The conscientious historian will correct these defects. 49237 -- Herodotus 49238% 49239Vests are to suits as seat-belts are to cars. 49240% 49241VI: 49242 A hungry dog hunts best. 49243 A hungrier dog hunts even better. 49244VII: 49245 Decreased business base increases overhead. 49246 So does increased business base. 49247VIII: 49248 The most unsuccessful four years in the education of a cost-estimator 49249 is fifth grade arithmetic. 49250IX: 49251 Acronyms and abbreviations should be used to the maximum extent 49252 possible to make trivial ideas profound. Q.E.D. 49253X: 49254 Bulls do not win bull fights; people do. 49255 People do not win people fights; lawyers do. 49256 -- Norman Augustine 49257% 49258Victory uber allies! 49259% 49260Viking, n: 49261 1. Daring Scandinavian seafarers, explorers, adventurers, 49262 entrepreneurs world-famous for their aggressive, nautical import 49263 business, highly leveraged takeovers and blue eyes. 49264 2. Bloodthirsty sea pirates who ravaged northern Europe beginning 49265 in the 9th century. 49266 49267Hagar's note: The first definition is much preferred; the second is used 49268only by malcontents, the envious, and disgruntled owners of waterfront 49269property. 49270% 49271Vini, vidi, vici. 49272[I came, I saw, I conquered]. 49273 -- Gaius Julius Caesar 49274% 49275"Violence accomplishes nothing." What a contemptible lie! Raw, naked 49276violence has settled more issues throughout history than any other method 49277ever employed. Perhaps the city fathers of Carthage could debate the 49278issue, with Hitler and Alexander as judges? 49279% 49280Violence is a sword that has no handle -- you have to hold the blade. 49281% 49282Violence is molding. 49283% 49284Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. 49285 -- Salvador Hardin 49286% 49287Violence stinks, no matter which end of it you're on. But now and then 49288there's nothing left to do but hit the other person over the head with a 49289frying pan. Sometimes people are just begging for that frypan, and if we 49290weaken for a moment and honor their request, we should regard it as 49291impulsive philanthropy, which we aren't in any position to afford, but 49292shouldn't regret it too loudly lest we spoil the purity of the deed. 49293 -- Tom Robbins 49294% 49295VIRGINIA: 49296 A group of beautifully mounted hunters galloping behind 49297 baying hounds in pursuit of a union organizer. 49298% 49299VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) 49300 You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is 49301sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes 49302fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers. 49303% 49304VIRGO (Aug.23 - Sept.22) 49305 Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count 49306 to ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this 49307 morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you 49308 wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of 49309 that old underwear you own. 49310% 49311Virtue does not always demand a heavy sacrifice -- 49312only the willingness to make it when necessary. 49313 -- Frederick Dunn 49314% 49315Virtue is its own punishment. 49316 -- Denniston 49317 49318Righteous people terrify me ... virtue is its own punishment. 49319 -- Aneurin Bevan 49320% 49321Virtue is not left to stand alone. 49322He who practices it will have neighbors. 49323 -- Confucius 49324% 49325Virtue would go far if vanity did not keep it company. 49326 -- La Rochefoucauld 49327% 49328Visit beautiful Vergas Minnesota. 49329% 49330Visit beautiful Wisconsin Dells. 49331% 49332Visits always give pleasure: if not on arrival, then on the departure. 49333 -- Edouard Le Berquier, "Pensees des Autres" 49334% 49335VMS, n: 49336 The world's foremost multi-user adventure game. 49337% 49338VMS version 2.0 ==> 49339% 49340Voicless it cries, 49341Wingless flutters, 49342Toothless bites, 49343Mouthless mutters. 49344% 49345VOLCANO: 49346 A mountain with hiccups. 49347% 49348Volcanoes have a grandeur that is grim 49349And earthquakes only terrify the dolts, 49350And to him who's scientific 49351There is nothing that's terrific 49352In the pattern of a flight of thunderbolts! 49353 -- W.S. Gilbert, "The Mikado" 49354% 49355Volley Theory: 49356 It is better to have lobbed and lost 49357 than never to have lobbed at all. 49358% 49359Von Neumann was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Von Neumann 49360supposedly had the habit of simply writing answers to homework assignments on 49361the board (the method of solution being, of course, obvious) when he was asked 49362how to solve problems. One time one of his students tried to get more helpful 49363information by asking if there was another way to solve the problem. Von 49364Neumann looked blank for a moment, thought, and then answered, "Yes.". 49365% 49366Vote anarchist. 49367% 49368Vote early and vote often. 49369 -- Al Capone's slogan for Big Bill Thompson's anti-reform 49370 campaign for Mayor of Chicago, 1926. Big Bill won. 49371% 49372VUJA DE: 49373 The feeling that you've *never*, *ever* been in this situation before. 49374% 49375Wad some power the giftie gie us 49376To see oursels as others see us. 49377 -- R. Browning 49378% 49379Wagner's music is better than it sounds. 49380 -- Mark Twain 49381% 49382Wait for that wisest of all counselors, Time. 49383 -- Pericles 49384% 49385Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?" 493861st customer: "I'll have tea." 493872nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!" 49388 (Waiter exits, returns) 49389Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?" 49390% 49391Wake up all you citizens, hear your country's call, 49392Not to arms and violence, But peace for one and all. 49393Crush out hate and prejudice, fear and greed and sin, 49394Help bring back her dignity, restore her faith again. 49395 49396Work hard for a common cause, don't let our country fall. 49397Make her proud and strong again, democracy for all. 49398Yes, make our country strong again, keep our flag unfurled. 49399Make our country well again, respected by the world. 49400 49401Make her whole and beautiful, work from sun to sun. 49402Stand tall and labor side by side, because there's so much to be done. 49403Yes, make her whole and beautiful, united strong and free, 49404Wake up, all you citizens, It's up to you and me. 49405 -- Pansy Myers Schroeder 49406% 49407Wake up and smell the coffee. 49408 -- Ann Landers 49409% 49410Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered 49411a capital crime. For a first offense, that is. 49412% 49413Walk softly and carry a big stick. 49414 -- Theodore Roosevelt 49415% 49416Walking on water wasn't built in a day. 49417 -- Jack Kerouac 49418% 49419Walt: Dad, what's gradual school? 49420Garp: Gradual school? 49421Walt: Yeah. Mom says her work's more fun now that she's teaching 49422 gradual school. 49423Garp: Oh. Well, gradual school is someplace you go and gradually 49424 find out that you don't want to go to school anymore. 49425 -- The World According To Garp 49426% 49427Walters' Rule: 49428 All airline flights depart from the gates most distant from 49429 the center of the terminal. Nobody ever had a reservation 49430 on a plane that left Gate 1. 49431% 49432Wanna buy a duck? 49433% 49434Wanna tell you all a story 'bout a man named Jed, 49435A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed. 49436But then one day he was shootin' at some food, 49437When up through the ground come a bubblin' crude -- oil, that is; 49438 black gold; 'Texas tea' ... 49439 49440Well the next thing ya know, old Jed's a millionaire. 49441The kinfolk said, 'Jed, move away from there!' 49442They said, 'Californy is the place ya oughta be', 49443So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly -- Hills, that is; 49444 swimmin' pools; movie stars. 49445% 49446War doesn't prove who's right, just who's left. 49447% 49448War hath no fury like a non-combatant. 49449 -- Charles Edward Montague 49450% 49451War is an equal opportunity destroyer. 49452% 49453War is delightful to those who have had no experience of it. 49454 -- Desiderius Erasmus 49455% 49456War is like love, it always finds a way. 49457 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Mother Courage" 49458% 49459War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military. 49460 -- Clemenceau 49461% 49462War spares not the brave, but the cowardly. 49463 -- Anacreon 49464% 49465WARNING: 49466 Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your 49467 mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth 49468 of hair on your palms, and make a difference in the outcome 49469 of your favorite war. 49470% 49471WARNING! 49472 This system is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need! 49473A special circuit in the computer called a "critical detector" senses the 49474user's emotional state in terms of how desperate they are to get their program 49475to run. The "critical detector" then creates a bug in the program proportional 49476to the desperation of the user. Threatening the terminal with violence only 49477aggravates the situation, causing the program to immediately crash or the 49478entire system to go down. Likewise, attempts to use another terminal may cause 49479it to core dump. (They all belong to the same LAN.) Keep cool and say nice 49480things to the terminal. 49481% 49482Warning: Trespassers will be shot. 49483Survivors will be shot again. 49484% 49485WARNING!!! 49486This machine is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need. 49487 49488A special circuit in the machine called "critical detector" senses the 49489operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he/she is to use the 49490machine. The "critical detector" then creates a malfunction proportional 49491to the desperation of the operator. Threatening the machine with violence 49492only aggravates the situation. Likewise, attempts to use another machine 49493may cause it to malfunction. They belong to the same union. Keep cool 49494and say nice things to the machine. Nothing else seems to work. 49495 49496See also: flog(1), tm(1) 49497% 49498Was there a time when dancers with their fiddles 49499In children's circuses could stay their troubles? 49500There was a time they could cry over books, 49501But time has set its maggot on their track. 49502Under the arc of the sky they are unsafe. 49503What's never known is safest in this life. 49504Under the skysigns they who have no arms 49505Have cleanest hands, and, as the heartless ghost 49506Alone's unhurt, so the blind man sees best. 49507 -- Dylan Thomas, "Was There A Time" 49508% 49509Washington, D.C. Wasting your money since 1810. 49510% 49511Washington, D.C: Fifty square miles almost completely surrounded by reality. 49512% 49513Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm. 49514 -- John F. Kennedy 49515% 49516[Washington, D.C.] is the home of... taste for 49517the people -- the big, the bland and the banal. 49518 -- Ada Louise Huxtable 49519% 49520Wasn't there something about a PASCAL programmer 49521knowing the value of everything and the Wirth of nothing? 49522% 49523Waste not fresh tears over old griefs. 49524 -- Euripides 49525% 49526Waste not, get your budget cut next year. 49527% 49528Wasting time is an important part of living. 49529% 49530Watch all-night Donna Reed reruns until your mind resembles oatmeal. 49531% 49532Watch your mouth, kid, or you'll find yourself floating home. 49533 -- Han Solo 49534% 49535Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody. 49536 -- Mark Twain 49537% 49538Watership Down: 49539You've read the book. You've seen the movie. Now eat the stew! 49540% 49541Watson's Law: 49542 The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the 49543 number and significance of any persons watching it. 49544% 49545WE: 49546 The single most important word in the world. 49547% 49548We all agree on the necessity of compromise. We just can't agree on 49549when it's necessary to compromise. 49550 -- Larry Wall 49551% 49552We all declare for liberty, but in using the 49553same word we do not all mean the same thing. 49554 -- A. Lincoln 49555% 49556We all dream of being the darling of everybody's darling. 49557% 49558We all know that no one understands anything that isn't funny. 49559% 49560We all like praise, but a hike in our pay is the best kind of ways. 49561% 49562We all live in a state of ambitious poverty. 49563 -- Decimus Junius Juvenalis 49564% 49565We all live under the same sky, but we don't all have the same horizon. 49566 -- Dr. Konrad Adenauer 49567% 49568We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which divides us is 49569whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being correct. My own feeling 49570is that it is not crazy enough. 49571 -- Niels Bohr 49572% 49573We are all born charming, fresh and spontaneous and must be civilized 49574before we are fit to participate in society. 49575 -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly 49576 Correct Behaviour" 49577% 49578We are all born equal... just some of us are more equal than others. 49579% 49580We are all born mad. Some remain so. 49581 -- Samuel Beckett 49582% 49583We are all dying -- and we're gonna be dead for a long time. 49584% 49585We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. 49586 -- Oscar Wilde 49587% 49588We are all so much together and yet we are all dying of loneliness. 49589 -- A. Schweitzer 49590% 49591We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm. 49592 -- Winston Churchill 49593% 49594We are anthill men upon an anthill world. 49595 -- Ray Bradbury 49596% 49597We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it. 49598 -- Whole Earth Catalog 49599% 49600We are confronted with unsurmountable opportunities. 49601 -- Pogo 49602% 49603We are drowning in information but starved for knowledge. 49604 -- John Naisbitt, Megatrends 49605% 49606We are each entitled to our own opinion, but no one is entitled to his 49607own facts. 49608 -- Patrick Moynihan 49609% 49610We are each only one drop in a great 49611ocean -- but some of the drops sparkle! 49612% 49613We are experiencing system trouble -- do not adjust your terminal. 49614% 49615We are giving instruction to FBI agents in the various Chinese 49616dialects ... to handle present and likely future contingencies. 49617 -- J.Hoover 49618% 49619We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to 49620socialism, because socialism is defunct. It dies all by itself. The bad 49621thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say socialism? 49622 -- Fidel Castro 49623% 49624We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it. 49625 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower 49626% 49627We are Microsoft. Unix is irrelevant. 49628Openness is futile. Prepare to be assimilated. 49629% 49630We are not a clone. 49631% 49632We are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one. 49633 -- John Fisher 49634% 49635We are not alone. 49636% 49637We are not loved by our friends for what we are; 49638rather, we are loved in spite of what we are. 49639 -- Victor Hugo 49640% 49641We are preparing to think about contemplating preliminary work on plans to 49642develop a schedule for producing the 10th Edition of the Unix Programmers 49643Manual. 49644 -- Andrew Hume 49645% 49646We are simple killers of people and destroyers of property. 49647% 49648We are so fond of each other because our ailments are the same. 49649 -- Jonathon Swift 49650% 49651We are sorry. We cannot complete your call as dialed. Please check 49652the number and dial again or ask your operator for assistance. 49653 49654This is a recording. 49655% 49656We are stronger than our skin of flesh and metal, for we carry and 49657share a spectrum of suns and lands that lends us legends as we craft 49658our immortality and interweave our destinies of water and air, 49659leaving shadows that gather color of their own, until they outshine 49660the substance that cast them. 49661% 49662We are the people our parents warned us about. 49663% 49664We are the unwilling... led by the unqualified... 49665to do the unnecessary... for the ungrateful... 49666 -- GI in Vietnam, 1970 49667% 49668We are what we are. 49669% 49670We are what we pretend to be. 49671 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. 49672% 49673We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved. 49674% 49675We can embody the truth, but we cannot know it. 49676 -- Yates 49677% 49678We can found no scientific discipline, nor a healthy profession on the 49679technical mistakes of the Department of Defense and IBM. 49680 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 49681% 49682We cannot command nature except by obeying her. 49683 -- Sir Francis Bacon 49684% 49685We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once. 49686 -- Calvin Coolidge 49687% 49688We could do that, but it would be wrong, that's for sure. 49689 -- Richard Nixon 49690% 49691We could nuke Baghdad into glass, wipe it with Windex, tie fatback on our 49692feet and go skating. 49693 -- Fred Reed, Air Force Times columnist. 49694% 49695We dedicate this book to our fellow citizens who, for love of truth, 49696take from their own wants by taxes and gifts, and now and then send 49697forth one of themselves as dedicated servant, to forward the search 49698into the mysteries and marvelous simplicities of this strange and 49699beautiful Universe, Our home. 49700 -- "Gravitation", Misner, Thorne, and Wheeler 49701% 49702We don't believe in rheumatism and true love until after the first attack. 49703 -- Marie Ebner von Eschenbach 49704% 49705We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company. 49706% 49707We don't care how they do it in New York. 49708% 49709We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand. 49710 -- James Watt, noted theologian 49711% 49712We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything. 49713% 49714We don't know who discovered water, but we're certain it wasn't a fish. 49715% 49716We don't know who it was that discovered water, but we're pretty sure 49717that it wasn't a fish. 49718 -- Marshall McLuhan 49719% 49720We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out. 49721 -- Decca Recording Company, turning down the Beatles, 1962 49722% 49723We don't need no education, we don't need no thought control. 49724 -- Pink Floyd 49725% 49726We don't need no indirection We don't need no compilation 49727We don't need no flow control We don't need no load control 49728No data typing or declarations No link edit for external bindings 49729Hey! did you leave the lists alone? Hey! did you leave that source alone? 49730Chorus: (Chorus) 49731 Oh No. It's just a pure LISP function call. 49732 49733We don't need no side-effecting We don't need no allocation 49734We don't need no flow control We don't need no special-nodes 49735No global variables for execution No dark bit-flipping for debugging 49736Hey! did you leave the args alone? Hey! did you leave those bits alone? 49737(Chorus) (Chorus) 49738 -- "Another Glitch in the Call", a la Pink Floyd 49739% 49740We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers. 49741% 49742We don't smoke and we don't chew, and we don't go with girls that do. 49743 -- Walter Summers 49744% 49745We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't 49746understand the hardware, but we can *see* the blinking lights! 49747% 49748We found on St. Paul's only two kinds of birds -- the booby and the noddy... 49749Both are of a tame and stupid disposition, and are so unaccustomed to 49750visitors, that I could have killed any number of them with my geological 49751hammer. 49752 -- Charles Darwin 49753% 49754We give advice, but we cannot give the wisdom to profit by it. 49755 -- La Rochefoucauld 49756% 49757We gotta get out of this place, 49758If it's the last thing we ever do. 49759 -- The Animals 49760% 49761We have a equal opportunity Calculus class -- it's fully integrated. 49762% 49763We have art that we do not die of the truth. 49764 -- Nietzsche 49765% 49766We have ears, earther...FOUR OF THEM! 49767% 49768We have gone on piling weapon upon weapon, missile upon missile, new 49769levels of destructiveness upon old ones. We have done this helplessly, 49770almost involuntarily: like the victims of some sort of hypnotism, like 49771men in a dream, like lemmings heading for the sea, like the children of 49772Hamelin marching blindly along behind their Pied Piper. And the result 49773is that today we have achieved, we and the Russians together, in the 49774creation of these devices and their means of delivery, levels of 49775redundancy of such grotesque dimensions as to defy rational understanding. 49776 -- George Kennan, May 19, 1981 49777% 49778We have lingered long enough on the shores of the Cosmic Ocean. 49779 -- Carl Sagan 49780% 49781We have met the enemy, and he is us. 49782 -- Walt Kelly 49783% 49784We have more to fear from the bungling of the incompetent 49785than from the machinations of the wicked. 49786% 49787We have no scorched earth policy. 49788We have a policy of scorched Communists. 49789 -- General Efrain Rios Montt, President of Guatemala, 1982 49790% 49791We have not inherited the earth from our parents, we've borrowed it from 49792our children. 49793% 49794We have nowhere else to go... this is all we have. 49795 -- Margaret Mead 49796% 49797We have reason to be afraid. This is a terrible place. 49798 -- John Berryman 49799% 49800We have seen the light at the end of the tunnel, and it's out. 49801% 49802We have the flu. I don't know if this particular strain has an official 49803name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death Flu". You 49804may have had it yourself. The main symptom is that you wish you had another 49805setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that said "ELECTROCUTION". 49806 Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a) 49807your teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength. Midway through the brushing 49808process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a couple 49809of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways out of your 49810mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste stalagmites that 49811would bond your head permanently to the bathroom floor, which is how the 49812police would find you. 49813 You know the kind of flu I'm talking about. 49814 -- Dave Barry 49815% 49816We interrupt this fortune for an important announcement... 49817% 49818"We invented a new protocol and called it Kermit, after Kermit the Frog, 49819star of "The Muppet Show." [3] 49820 49821[3] Why? Mostly because there was a Muppets calendar on the wall when we 49822were trying to think of a name, and Kermit is a pleasant, unassuming sort of 49823character. But since we weren't sure whether it was OK to name our protocol 49824after this popular television and movie star, we pretended that KERMIT was an 49825acronym; unfortunately, we could never find a good set of words to go with the 49826letters, as readers of some of our early source code can attest. Later, while 49827looking through a name book for his forthcoming baby, Bill Catchings noticed 49828that "Kermit" was a Celtic word for "free", which is what all Kermit programs 49829should be, and words to this effect replaced the strained acronyms in our 49830source code (Bill's baby turned out to be a girl, so he had to name her Becky 49831instead). When BYTE Magazine was preparing our 1984 Kermit article for 49832publication, they suggested we contact Henson Associates Inc. for permission 49833to say that we did indeed name the protocol after Kermit the Frog. Permission 49834was kindly granted, and now the real story can be told. I resisted the 49835temptation, however, to call the present work "Kermit the Book." 49836 -- Frank da Cruz, "Kermit - A File Transfer Protocol" 49837% 49838We is confronted with insurmountable opportunities. 49839 -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo" 49840% 49841We know next to nothing about virtually everything. It is not necessary 49842to know the origin of the universe; it is necessary to want to know. 49843Civilization depends not on any particular knowledge, but on the disposition 49844to crave knowledge. 49845 -- George Will 49846% 49847We laugh at the Indian philosopher, who to account for the support 49848of the earth, contrived the hypothesis of a huge elephant, and to support 49849the elephant, a huge tortoise. If we will candidly confess the truth, we 49850know as little of the operation of the nerves, as he did of the manner in 49851which the earth is supported: and our hypothesis about animal spirits, or 49852about the tension and vibrations of the nerves, are as like to be true, as 49853his about the support of the earth. His elephant was a hypothesis, and our 49854hypotheses are elephants. Every theory in philosophy, which is built on 49855pure conjecture, is an elephant; and every theory that is supported partly 49856by fact, and partly by conjecture, is like Nebuchadnezzar's image, whose 49857feet were partly of iron, and partly of clay. 49858 -- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764 49859% 49860We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves. 49861 -- Eric Hoffer 49862% 49863We love our little Johnny 49864He's the best little boy in all the world 49865And we wouldn't trade him for anything 49866That's how much we love him. 49867No, we couldn't live without him 49868So that's why, since he died, 49869We keep him safe in our G.E. freezer. 49870He's so good, so well-behaved, 49871Even better than before; 49872Oh, such a wonderful kid he is. 49873Alice and me, we'll never be lonely, 49874Never miss our little Johnny, 49875He'll never grow up and leave us 49876That's why we love him like we do. 49877 -- Mr. Mincemeat 49878% 49879"We maintain that the very foundation of our way of life is what we call 49880free enterprise," said Cash McCall, "but when one of our citizens 49881show enough free enterprise to pile up a little of that profit, we do 49882our best to make him feel that he ought to be ashamed of himself." 49883 -- Cameron Hawley 49884% 49885We may eventually come to realize that chastity is no more a virtue 49886than malnutrition. 49887 -- Alex Comfort 49888% 49889We may hope that machines will eventually compete with men in all purely 49890intellectual fields. But which are the best ones to start with? Many people 49891think that a very abstract activity, like the playing of chess, would be 49892best. It can also be maintained that it is best to provide the machine with 49893the best sense organs that money can buy, and then teach it to understand 49894and speak English. 49895 -- Alan M. Turing 49896% 49897We may not be able to persuade Hindus that Jesus and not Vishnu should govern 49898their spiritual horizon, nor Moslems that Lord Buddha is at the center of 49899their spiritual universe, nor Hebrews that Mohammed is a major prophet, nor 49900Christians that Shinto best expresses their spiritual concerns, to say 49901nothing of the fact that we may not be able to get Christians to agree among 49902themselves about their relationship to God. But all will agree on a 49903proposition that they possess profound spiritual resources. If, in addition, 49904we can get them to accept the further proposition that whatever form the 49905Deity may have in their own theology, the Deity is not only external, but 49906internal and acts through them, and they themselves give proof or disproof 49907of the Deity in what they do and think; if this further proposition can be 49908accepted, then we come that much closer to a truly religious situation on 49909earth. 49910 -- Norman Cousins, from his book "Human Options" 49911% 49912We may not like doctors, but at least they doctor. Bankers are not ever 49913popular but at least they bank. Policeman police and undertakers take 49914under. But lawyers do not give us law. We receive not the gladsome light 49915of jurisprudence, but rather precedents, objections, appeals, stays, 49916filings and forms, motions and counter-motions, all at $250 an hour. 49917 -- Nolo News, summer 1989 49918% 49919We may not return the affection of those who like us, 49920but we always respect their good judgement. 49921% 49922...we must be wary of granting too much power to natural selection 49923by viewing all basic capacities of our brain as direct adaptations. 49924I do not doubt that natural selection acted in building our oversized 49925brains -- and I am equally confidant that our brains became large as 49926an adaptation for definite roles (probably a complex set of interacting 49927functions). But these assumptions do not lead to the notion, often 49928uncritically embraced by strict Darwinians, that all major capacities 49929of the brain must arise as direct products of natural selection. 49930 -- S.J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man" 49931% 49932We must believe that it is the darkest before the dawn 49933of a beautiful new world. We will see it when we believe it. 49934 -- Saul Alinsky 49935% 49936We must die because we have known them. 49937 -- Ptah-hotep, 2000 B.C. 49938% 49939We must finish once and for all with the neutrality of chess. We must 49940condemn once and for all the formula 'chess for the sake of chess,' like 49941the formula 'art for art's sake.' We must organize shock-brigades of 49942chess-play ers, and begin the immediate realization of a Five-Year Plan 49943for chess. 49944 -- Nikolai V. Krylenko, People's Commissar for Justice 49945 (of RFSFR, later of USSR), speaking at a 1932 Congress 49946 of Chess Players, as quoted in Boris Souvarine's 49947 "Stalin," published London, 1939 49948% 49949...we must not judge the society of the future by considering whether or not 49950we should like to live in it; the question is whether those who have grown up 49951in it will be happier than those who have grown up in our society or those of 49952the past. 49953 -- Joseph Wood Krutch 49954% 49955We must remember that in time of war what is said on the enemy's side of 49956the front is always propaganda and what is said on our side of the front 49957is truth and righteousness, the cause of humanity and a crusade for peace. 49958 -- Walter Lippmann 49959% 49960We must remember the First Amendment which 49961protects any shrill jackass no matter how self-seeking. 49962 -- F.G. Withington 49963% 49964We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to 49965the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his 49966children smart. 49967 -- H.L. Mencken, "Minority Report" 49968% 49969We only acknowledge small faults in order 49970to make it appear that we are free from great ones. 49971 -- LaRouchefoucauld 49972% 49973We prefer to believe that the absence of inverted commas guarantees the 49974originality of a thought, whereas it may be merely that the utterer has 49975forgotten its source. 49976 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play" 49977% 49978We prefer to speak evil of ourselves 49979rather than not speak of ourselves at all. 49980% 49981We promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears. 49982% 49983We rarely find anyone who can say he has lived a happy life, and who, 49984content with his life, can retire from the world like a satisfied guest. 49985 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 49986% 49987We read to say that we have read. 49988% 49989We really don't have any enemies. 49990It's just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us. 49991% 49992We secure our friends not by accepting favors but by doing them. 49993 -- Thucydides 49994% 49995We seldom repent talking too little, but very often talking too much. 49996 -- Jean de la Bruyere 49997% 49998We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is 49999in it - and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot 50000stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that 50001is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more. 50002 -- Mark Twain 50003% 50004We should be glad we're living in the time that we are. If any of us had been 50005born into a more enlightened age, I'm sure we would have immediately been taken 50006out and shot. 50007 -- Strange de Jim 50008% 50009We should have a great many fewer disputes in the world if only words were 50010taken for what they are, the signs of our ideas only, and not for things 50011themselves. 50012 -- John Locke 50013% 50014We should have a Vollyballocracy. We elect a six-pack of presidents. 50015Each one serves until they screw up, at which point they rotate. 50016 -- Dennis Miller 50017% 50018We should keep the Panama Canal. After all, we stole it fair and square. 50019 -- S.I. Hayakawa 50020% 50021We should realize that a city is better off with bad laws, so long as they 50022remain fixed, then with good laws that are constantly being altered, that 50023the lack of learning combined with sound common sense is more helpful than 50024the kind of cleverness that gets out of hand, and that as a general rule, 50025states are better governed by the man in the street than by intellectuals. 50026These are the sort of people who want to appear wiser than the laws, who 50027want to get their own way in every general discussion, because they feel that 50028they cannot show off their intelligence in matters of greater importance, and 50029who, as a result, very often bring ruin on their country. 50030 -- Cleon, Thucydides, III, 37 translation by Rex Warner 50031% 50032We the unwilling, led by the ungrateful, are doing the impossible. 50033We've done so much, for so long, with so little, 50034that we are now qualified to do something with nothing. 50035% 50036We the Users, in order to form a more perfect system, establish priorities, 50037ensure connective tranquility, provide for common repairs, promote 50038preventive maintenance, and secure the blessings of liberty for ourselves 50039and our processes, do ordain and establish this Software of The Unixed States 50040of America. 50041% 50042We thrive on euphemism. We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet 50043size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative". In 50044fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie". And now, here 50045are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads: 50046 50047EUPHEMISM REALITY 50048------------------- ------------------------- 50049Excited about life's journey No concept of reality 50050Spiritually evolved Oversensitive 50051Moody Manic-depressive 50052Soulful Quiet manic-depressive 50053Poet Boring manic-depressive 50054Sultry/Sensual Easy 50055Uninhibited Lacking basic social skills 50056Unaffected and earthy Slob and lacking basic social skills 50057Irreverent Nasty and lacking basic social skills 50058Very human Quasimodo's best friend 50059Swarthy Sweaty even when cold or standing still 50060Spontaneous/Eclectic Scatterbrained 50061Flexible Desperate 50062Aging child Self-centered adult 50063Youthful Over 40 and trying to deny it 50064Good sense of humor Watches a lot of television 50065% 50066We thrive on euphemism. We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet 50067size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative". In 50068fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie". And now, here 50069are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads: 50070 50071EUPHEMISM REALITY 50072------------------- ------------------------- 50073Independent thinker Crazy 50074High spirited Crazy and hyperactive 50075Free spirited Crazy and irresponsible 50076Outrageous Crazy and obnoxious 50077Exotic Crazy with a pierced nose/nipple 50078Cuddly Overweight 50079Huggable/Zaftig/Rubenesque Fat (there's a lot to love) 50080Big and beautiful Really Fat 50081Fat 'n' sassy Really Fat and loud 50082Svelte/Slender Anorexic 50083Dynamic Pushy 50084Assertive Pushy with a mean streak 50085Feisty/Ambitious Would kill own mother for next corporate rung 50086Demanding Will make your life a living hell 50087Looking for Mr./Ms. Right Looking for Mr./Ms. Rich 50088% 50089We totally deny the allegations, and 50090we're trying to identify the allegators. 50091% 50092We tried to close Ohio's borders and ran into a Constitutional problem. 50093There's a provision in the Constitution that says you can't close your 50094borders to interstate commerce, and garbage is a form of interstate commerce. 50095 -- Ohio Lt. Governor Paul Leonard 50096% 50097[We] use bad software and bad machines for the wrong things. 50098 -- R.W. Hamming 50099% 50100We warn the reader in advance that the proof presented here 50101depends on a clever but highly unmotivated trick. 50102 -- Howard Anton, "Elementary Linear Algebra" 50103% 50104We was playin' the Homestead Grays in the city of Pitchburgh. Josh 50105[Gibson] comes up in the last of the ninth with a man on and us a run 50106behind. Well, he hit one. The Grays waited around and waited around, 50107but finally the empire rules it ain't comin' down. So we win. The 50108next day, we was disputin' the Grays in Philadelphia when here come 50109a ball outta the sky right in the glove of the Grays' center fielder. 50110The empire made the only possible call. "You're out, boy!" he says 50111to Josh. "Yesterday, in Pitchburgh." 50112 -- Satchel Paige 50113% 50114We were happily married for eight months. Unfortunately, we 50115were married for four and a half years. 50116 -- Nick Faldo 50117% 50118We were so poor that we thought new clothes meant someone had died. 50119% 50120We were so poor we couldn't afford a watchdog. 50121If we heard a noise at night, we'd bark ourselves. 50122 -- Crazy Jimmy 50123% 50124We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. But there was 50125also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a 50126French restaurant. [...] 50127 I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk 50128white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I had punched her 50129boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone told him, "You ride the 50130bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was lean and tough like a bad 50131rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he fought me. And when we finished 50132there were no winners, just men doing what men must do. [...] 50133 "Stop the car," the girl said. 50134 There was a look of terrible sadness in her eyes. She knew about the 50135woman of the tollway. I knew not how. I started to speak, but she raised an 50136arm and spoke with a quiet and peace I will never forget. 50137 "I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the tollway 50138belle's for thee." 50139 The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was a lie. 50140Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I poured whiskey 50141onto my granola and faced a new day. 50142 -- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway 50143 Competition 50144% 50145We who revel in nature's diversity and feel instructed by every animal 50146tend to brand Homo sapiens as the greatest catastrophe since the Cretaceous 50147extinction. 50148 -- S.J. Gould 50149% 50150We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve 50151one technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter. 50152% 50153we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love, 50154we will cry over things we used to laugh & 50155our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentle 50156creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then & 50157in the end a summer with wild winds & 50158new friends will be. 50159% 50160We wish you a Hare Krishna 50161We wish you a Hare Krishna 50162We wish you a Hare Krishna 50163And a Sun Myung Moon! 50164 -- Maxwell Smart 50165% 50166WEAPON: 50167 An index of the lack of development of a culture. 50168% 50169Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise. 50170 -- John Heywood 50171% 50172Wedding, n: 50173 A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one 50174 undertakes to become nothing and nothing undertakes to become 50175 supportable. 50176 -- Ambrose Bierce 50177% 50178Wedding rings are the world's smallest handcuffs. 50179% 50180Weed's Axiom: 50181 Never ask two questions in a business letter. 50182 The reply will discuss the one in which you are 50183 least interested and say nothing about the other. 50184% 50185Weekend, where are you? 50186% 50187Weiler's Law: 50188 Nothing is impossible to a person who doesn't have to do the work. 50189% 50190Weinberg, as a young grocery clerk, advised the grocery manager to get 50191rid of rutabagas which nobody every bought. He did so. "Well, kid, that 50192was a great idea," said the manager. Then he paused and asked the killer 50193question, "NOW what's the least popular vegetable?" 50194 50195Law: Once you eliminate your #1 problem, #2 gets a promotion. 50196 -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting" 50197% 50198Weinberg's First Law: 50199 Progress is only made on alternate Fridays. 50200% 50201Weinberg's Principle: 50202 An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping 50203 on to the grand fallacy. 50204% 50205Weinberg's Second Law: 50206 If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, 50207 then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. 50208% 50209Weiner's Law of Libraries: 50210 There are no answers, only cross references. 50211% 50212Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter. 50213He'll come in handy if you run out of food. 50214 -- Dean McLaughlin. 50215% 50216Welcome to boggle - do you want instructions? 50217 50218D G G O 50219 50220O Y A N 50221 50222A D B T 50223 50224K I S P 50225Enter words: 50226> 50227% 50228Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the men are strong, 50229The women are pretty, and the children are above-average. 50230 -- Garrison Keillor 50231% 50232Welcome to the Zoo! 50233% 50234Welcome to UNIX! Enjoy your session! Have a great time! Note the 50235use of exclamation points! They are a very effective method for 50236demonstrating excitement, and can also spice up an otherwise plain-looking 50237sentence! However, there are drawbacks! Too much unnecessary exclaiming 50238can lead to a reduction in the effect that an exclamation point has on 50239the reader! For example, the sentence 50240 50241 Jane went to the store to buy bread 50242 50243should only be ended with an exclamation point if there is something 50244sensational about her going to the store, for example, if Jane is a 50245cocker spaniel or if Jane is on a diet that doesn't allow bread or if 50246Jane doesn't exist for some reason! See how easy it is?! Proper control 50247of exclamation points can add new meaning to your life! Call now to receive 50248my free pamphlet, "The Wonder and Mystery of the Exclamation Point!"! 50249Enclose fifteen(!) dollars for postage and handling! Operators are 50250standing by! (Which is pretty amazing, because they're all cocker spaniels!) 50251% 50252Welcome to Utah. 50253If you think our liquor laws are funny, you should see our underwear! 50254% 50255Well, anyway, I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized 50256that like most books, it had too many words. The plot was the same one that 50257all James Bond books have: An evil person tries to blow up the world, but 50258James Bond kills him and his henchmen and makes love to several attractive 50259women. There, that's it: 24 words. But the guy who wrote the book took 50260*thousands* of words to say it. 50261 Or consider "The Brothers Karamazov", by the famous Russian alcoholic 50262Fyodor Dostoyevsky. It's about these two brothers who kill their father. 50263Or maybe only one of them kills the father. It's impossible to tell because 50264what they mostly do is talk for nearly a thousand pages.If all Russians talk 50265as much as the Karamazovs did, I don't see how they found time to become a 50266major world power. 50267 I'm told that Dostoyevsky wrote "The Brothers Karamazov" to raise 50268the question of whether there is a God. So why didn't he just come right 50269out and say: "Is there a God? It sure beats the heck out of me." 50270 Other famous works could easily have been summarized in a few words: 50271 50272* "Moby Dick" -- Don't mess around with large whales because they symbolize 50273 nature and will kill you. 50274* "A Tale of Two Cities" -- French people are crazy. 50275 -- Dave Barry 50276% 50277We'll be recording at the Paradise Friday 50278night. Live, on the Death label. 50279 -- Swan, "Phantom of the Paradise" 50280% 50281Well begun is half done. 50282 -- Aristotle 50283% 50284We'll cross that bridge when we come back to it later. 50285% 50286Well, didja wake up grouchy or did you let her sleep? 50287% 50288Well, don't worry about it... It's nothing. 50289 -- Lieutenant Kermit Tyler (Duty Officer of Shafter Information 50290 Center, Hawaii), upon being informed that Private Joseph 50291 Lockard had picked up a radar signal of what appeared to be 50292 at least 50 planes soaring toward Oahu at almost 180 miles 50293 per hour, December 7, 1941. 50294% 50295Well, fancy giving money to the Government! 50296Might as well have put it down the drain. 50297Fancy giving money to the Government! 50298Nobody will see the stuff again. 50299Well, they've no idea what money's for -- 50300Ten to one they'll start another war. 50301I've heard a lot of silly things, but, Lor'! 50302Fancy giving money to the Government! 50303 -- A.P. Herbert 50304% 50305We'll have solar energy when the power companies develop a sunbeam meter. 50306% 50307Well, he didn't know what to do, so he decided to look at the government, 50308to see what they did, and scale it down and run his life that way. 50309 -- Laurie Anderson 50310% 50311Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a lot 50312of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke. Hartke is a governor or 50313mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the reason you'll be 50314reading about him is that he's one of the 50 top contenders for the 1984 50315Democratic presidential nomination. These men will spend the next 18 months 50316going around the country engaging in the most degrading activities imaginable, 50317such as wearing idiot hats and appearing on "Meet the Press". "Meet the 50318Press" is one of those Sunday morning public interest shows that the public 50319is not the least bit interested in. It features a panel of reporters who 50320ask questions of a guest politician, who wins an Amana home freezer if he 50321can get through the entire show without answering a single question. 50322 -- Dave Barry 50323% 50324Well I looked at my watch and it said a quarter to five, 50325The headline screamed that I was still alive, 50326I couldn't understand it, I thought I died last night. 50327I dreamed I'd been in a border town, 50328In a little cantina that the boys had found, 50329I was desperate to dance, just to dig the local sounds. 50330When along came a senorita, 50331She looked so good that I had to meet her, 50332I was ready to approach her with my English charm, 50333When her brass knuckled boyfriend grabbed me by the arm, 50334And he said, grow some funk of your own, amigo, 50335Grow some funk of your own. 50336We no like to with the gringo fight, 50337But there might be a death in Mexico tonite. 50338... 50339Take my advice, take the next flight, 50340And grow some funk, grow your funk at home. 50341 -- Elton John, "Grow Some Funk of Your Own" 50342% 50343Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them 50344back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds, 50345or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they 50346they couldn't afford it, that would hold them off. 50347 -- Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile 50348% 50349Well, if you can't believe what you read 50350in a comic book, what *can* you believe? 50351 -- Bullwinkle J. Moose 50352% 50353Well, I'm disenchanted too. We're all disenchanted. 50354 -- James Thurber 50355% 50356Well, it's hard for a mere man to believe that woman doesn't have equal 50357rights. 50358 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower 50359% 50360Well, Jim, I'm not much of an actor either. 50361% 50362We'll know that rock is dead when you have to get a degree to work in it. 50363% 50364WE'LL LOOK INTO IT: 50365 By the time the wheels make a full turn, we 50366 assume you will have forgotten about it,too. 50367% 50368Well, my daddy left home when I was three, 50369And he didn't leave much for Ma and me, 50370Just and old guitar an'a empty bottle of booze. 50371Now I don't blame him 'cause he ran and hid, 50372But the meanest thing that he ever did, 50373Was before he left he went and named me Sue. 50374... 50375But I made me a vow to the moon and the stars, 50376I'd search the honkey tonks and the bars, 50377And kill the man that give me that awful name. 50378It was Gatlinburg in mid-July, 50379I'd just hit town and my throat was dry, 50380Thought I'd stop and have myself a brew, 50381At an old saloon on a street of mud, 50382Sitting at a table, dealing stud, 50383Sat that dirty (bleep) that named me Sue. 50384... 50385Now, I knew that snake was my own sweet Dad, 50386From a worn-out picture that my Mother had, 50387And I knew that scar on his cheek and his evil eye... 50388 -- Johnny Cash, "A Boy Named Sue" 50389% 50390Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail, 50391And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail; 50392I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues, 50393I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. 50394 50395If you think that it's nice that you get what you C, 50396Then go : illogical statement with your whole family, 50397'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views. 50398I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. 50399 50400On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze, 50401But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze. 50402Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse, 50403I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. 50404 -- Core Dumped Blues 50405% 50406We'll pivot at warp 2 and bring all tubes to bear, Mr. Sulu! 50407% 50408Well, some take delight in the carriages a-rolling, 50409And some take delight in the hurling and the bowling, 50410But I take delight in the juice of the barley, 50411And courting pretty fair maids in the morning bright and early. 50412% 50413Well thaaaaaaat's okay. 50414% 50415Well, the handwriting is on the floor. 50416 -- Joe E. Lewis 50417% 50418We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, 50419we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail. 50420 -- Dave Barry 50421% 50422Well, we'll really have a party, 50423but we've gotta post a guard outside. 50424 -- Eddie Cochran, "Come On Everybody" 50425% 50426"Well, well, well! Well if it isn't fat stinking billy goat Billy Boy in 50427poison! How art thou, thou globby bottle of cheap stinking chip oil? Come 50428and get one in the yarbles, if ya have any yarble, ya eunuch jelly thou!" 50429 -- Alex in "Clockwork Orange" 50430% 50431Well, we're big rock singers, we've got golden fingers, 50432And we're loved everywhere we go. 50433We sing about beauty, and we sing about truth, 50434At ten thousand dollars a show. 50435We take all kind of pills to give us all kind of thrills, 50436But the thrill we've never known, 50437Is the thrill that'll get'cha, when you get your picture, 50438On the cover of the Rolling Stone. 50439 50440I got a freaky old lady, name of Cole King Katie, 50441Who embroiders on my jeans. 50442I got my poor old gray-haired daddy, 50443Drivin' my limousine. 50444Now it's all designed, to blow our minds, 50445But our minds won't be really be blown; 50446Like the blow that'll get'cha, when you get your picture, 50447On the cover of the Rolling Stone. 50448 50449We got a lot of little, teen-aged, blue-eyed groupies, 50450Who'll do anything we say. 50451We got a genuine Indian guru, that's teachin' us a better way. 50452We got all the friends that money can buy, 50453So we never have to be alone. 50454And we keep gettin' richer, but we can't get our picture, 50455On the cover of the Rolling Stone. 50456 -- Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show 50457 [As a note, they eventually DID make the cover of RS. Ed.] 50458% 50459"Well, we've come full circle, Lord; I'd like to think there's some 50460higher meaning to all this. It would certainly reflect well on you." 50461% 50462Well, you know, no matter where you go, there you are. 50463 -- Buckaroo Banzai 50464% 50465WELL-ADJUSTED: 50466 The ability to play bridge or golf as if they were games. 50467% 50468We 50469own 50470this land. 50471 50472I don't spend 50473any time 50474on this land. 50475 50476This 50477is a tiny 50478little piece 50479 50480of my 50481business 50482interests. 50483 50484It's like 50485a grain 50486of sand. 50487 -- "Alliance Airport, from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot, 50488 recited on ABC's Town Meeting, June 29, 1992. 50489 From SPY Magazine, November 1992 50490% 50491We're all in this alone. 50492 -- Lily Tomlin 50493% 50494We're constantly being bombarded by insulting and humiliating music, which 50495people are making for you the way they make those Wonder Bread products. 50496Just as food can be bad for your system, music can be bad for your spirtual 50497and emotional feelings. It might taste good or clever, but in the long run, 50498it's not going to do anything for you. 50499 -- Bob Dylan, "LA Times", September 5, 1984 50500% 50501We're fantastically incredibly sorry for all these extremely unreasonable 50502things we did. I can only plead that my simple, barely-sentient friend 50503and myself are underprivileged, deprived and also college students. 50504 -- Waldo D.R. Dobbs 50505% 50506We're happy little Vegemites, 50507 As bright as bright can be. 50508We all all enjoy our Vegemite 50509 For breakfast, lunch and tea. 50510% 50511Were it not for the presence of the unwashed and the half-educated, the 50512formless, queer and incomplete, the unreasonable and absurd, the infinite 50513shapes of the delightful human tadpole, the horizon would not wear so wide 50514a grin. 50515 -- F.M. Colby, "Imaginary Obligations" 50516% 50517We're Knights of the Round Table 50518We dance whene'er we're able 50519We do routines and chorus scenes We're knights of the Round Table 50520With footwork impeccable Our shows are formidable 50521We dine well here in Camelot But many times 50522We eat ham and jam and Spam a lot. We're given rhymes 50523 That are quite unsingable 50524In war we're tough and able, We're opera mad in Camelot 50525Quite indefatigable We sing from the diaphragm a lot. 50526Between our quests 50527We sequin vests 50528And impersonate Clark Gable 50529It's a busy life in Camelot. 50530I have to push the pram a lot. 50531 -- Monty Python 50532% 50533We're living in a golden age. All you need is gold. 50534 -- D.W. Robertson. 50535% 50536We're mortal -- which is to say, we're ignorant, stupid, and sinful -- 50537but those are only handicaps. Our pride is that nevertheless, now and 50538then, we do our best. A few times we succeed. What more dare we ask for? 50539 -- Ensign Flandry 50540% 50541"We're not talking about the same thing," he said. "For you the world is 50542weird because if you're not bored with it you're at odds with it. For me 50543the world is weird because it is stupendous, awesome, mysterious, 50544unfathomable; my interest has been to convince you that you must accept 50545responsibility for being here, in this marvelous world, in this marvelous 50546desert, in this marvelous time. I wanted to convince you that you must 50547learn to make every act count, since you are going to be here for only a 50548short while, in fact, too short for witnessing all the marvels of it." 50549 -- Don Juan 50550% 50551We're only in it for the volume. 50552 -- Black Sabbath 50553% 50554Were there no women, men might live like gods. 50555 -- Thomas Dekker 50556% 50557Wernher von Braun settled for a V-2 when he coulda had a V-8. 50558% 50559Westheimer's Discovery: 50560 A couple of months in the laboratory can 50561 frequently save a couple of hours in the library. 50562% 50563Wethern's Law: 50564 Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. 50565% 50566We've tried each spinning space mote 50567And reckoned its true worth: 50568Take us back again to the homes of men 50569On the cool, green hills of Earth. 50570 50571The arching sky is calling 50572Spacemen back to their trade. 50573All hands! Standby! Free falling! 50574And the lights below us fade. 50575Out ride the sons of Terra, 50576Far drives the thundering jet, 50577Up leaps the race of Earthmen, 50578Out, far, and onward yet-- 50579 50580We pray for one last landing 50581On the globe that gave us birth; 50582Let us rest our eyes on the fleecy skies 50583And the cool, green hills of Earth. 50584 -- Robert A. Heinlein, 1941 50585% 50586Wharbat darbid yarbou sarbay? 50587% 50588What!? Me worry? 50589 -- A.E. Newman 50590% 50591What a bonanza! An unknown beginner to be directed by Lubitsch, in a script 50592by Wilder and Brackett, and to play with Paramount's two superstars, Gary 50593Cooper and Claudette Colbert, and to be beaten up by both of them! 50594 -- David Niven, "Bring On the Empty Horses" 50595% 50596What a misfortune to be a woman! And yet, the worst misfortune is not to 50597understand what a misfortune it is. 50598 -- Kierkegaard, 1813-1855. 50599% 50600What a strange game. The only winning move is not to play. 50601 -- WOP, "War Games" 50602% 50603What, after all, is a halo? It's only one more thing to keep clean. 50604 -- Christopher Fry 50605% 50606What an artist dies with me! 50607 -- Nero 50608% 50609What an author likes to write most is his signature on the 50610back of a cheque. 50611 -- Brendan Francis 50612% 50613What awful irony is this? 50614We are as gods, but know it not. 50615% 50616What causes the mysterious death of everyone? 50617% 50618What color is a chameleon on a mirror? 50619% 50620What did ya do with your burder and your cross? 50621Did you carry it yourself or did you cry? 50622You and I know that a burden and a cross, 50623Can only be carried on one man's back. 50624 -- Louden Wainwright III 50625% 50626What did you bring that book I didn't want 50627to be read to out of about Down Under up for? 50628% 50629What did you do when the ship sank? 50630I grabbed a cake of soap and washed myself ashore. 50631% 50632What do I consider a reasonable person to be? I'd say a reasonable person 50633is one who accepts that we are all human and therefore fallible, and takes 50634that into account when dealing with others. Implicit in this definition is 50635the belief that it is the right and the responsibility of each person to 50636live his or her own life as he or she sees fit, to respect this right in 50637others, and to demand the assumption of this responsibility by others. 50638% 50639What do you give a man who has everything? Penicillin. 50640 -- Jerry Lester 50641% 50642What do you have when you have six lawyers buried up to their necks in sand? 50643Not enough sand. 50644% 50645What does education often do? 50646It makes a straight cut ditch of a free meandering brook. 50647 -- Henry David Thoreau 50648% 50649What does it mean if there is no fortune for you? 50650% 50651What does it take for Americans to do great things; to go to the moon, to 50652win wars, to dig canals linking oceans, to build railroads across a continent? 50653In independent thought about this question, Neil Armstrong and I concluded 50654that it takes a coincidence of four conditions, or in Neil's view, the 50655simultaneous peaking of four of the many cycles of American life. First, a 50656base of technology must exist from which to do the thing to be done. Second, 50657a period of national uneasiness about America's place in the scheme of human 50658activities must exist. Third, some catalytic event must occur that focuses 50659the national attention upon the direction to proceed. Finally, an articulate 50660and wise leader must sense these first three conditions and put forth with 50661words and action the great thing to be accomplished. The motivation of young 50662Americans to do what needs to be done flows from such a coincidence of 50663conditions. ... The Thomas Jeffersons, The Teddy Roosevelts, The John 50664Kennedys appear. We must begin to create the tools of leadership which they, 50665and their young frontiersmen, will require to lead us onward and upward. 50666 -- Dr. Harrison H. Schmidt 50667% 50668What does not destroy me, makes me stronger. 50669 -- Nietzsche 50670% 50671What ever happened to happily ever after? 50672% 50673What excuses stand in your way? How can you eliminate them? 50674 -- Roger von Oech 50675% 50676What foods these morsels be! 50677% 50678What fools these morals be! 50679% 50680What fools these mortals be. 50681 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca 50682% 50683What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art. 50684% 50685What goes up must come down. But don't expect it to come down 50686where you can find it. Murphy's Law applied to Newton's. 50687% 50688What good is a ticket to the good life, 50689if you can't find the entrance? 50690% 50691What good is an obscenity trial except to popularize literature? 50692 -- Nero Wolfe, "The League of Frightened Men" 50693% 50694What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow 50695in his footsteps? 50696% 50697What good is it if you talk in flowers, and they think in pastry? 50698 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 50699% 50700What happened last night can happen again. 50701% 50702What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations 50703involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will 50704be pretty bad. 50705 -- Dave Barry 50706% 50707What happens to a dream deferred? 50708Does it dry up 50709Like a raisin in the sun? 50710Or fester like a sore -- 50711And then run? 50712Does it stink like rotten meat? 50713Or crust and sugar over -- 50714Like a syrupy sweet? 50715 50716Maybe it just sags 50717Like a heavy load. 50718 50719Or does it explode? 50720 -- Langston Hughes 50721% 50722What happens when you cut back the jungle? It recedes. 50723% 50724What has roots as nobody sees, 50725Is taller than trees, 50726Up, up it goes, 50727And yet never grows? 50728% 50729What I mean (and everybody else means) by the word QUALITY cannot be 50730broken down into subjects and predicates. This is not because Quality 50731is so mysterious but because Quality is so simple, immediate, and direct. 50732 -- R. Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" 50733% 50734What I tell you three times is true. 50735 -- Lewis Carroll 50736% 50737What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility. 50738% 50739What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? 50740In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. 50741 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 50742% 50743What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? 50744Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists? 50745 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 50746% 50747What if there had been room at the inn? 50748 -- Linda Festa on the origins of Christianity 50749% 50750What is a magician but a practising theorist? 50751 -- Obi-Wan Kenobi 50752% 50753What is algebra, exactly? Is it one of those three-cornered things? 50754 -- J.M. Barrie 50755% 50756What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making 50757them puke. 50758 -- Steve Martin 50759% 50760What is food to one, is to others bitter poison. 50761 -- Titus Lucretius Carus 50762% 50763What is good? Everything that heightens the feeling of power in man, the 50764will to power, power itself. What is bad? Everything that is born of 50765weakness. Not contentedness but more power; not peace but war; not virtue 50766but fitness. The weak and the failures shall perish: first principle of 50767our love of man. And they shall even be given every possible assistance. 50768What is more harmful than any vice? Active pity for all the failures and 50769all the weak: Christianity. 50770 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 50771% 50772What is important is food, money and opportunities for scoring off one's 50773enemies. Give a man these three things and you won't hear much squawking 50774out of him. 50775 -- Brian O'Nolan, "The Best of Myles" 50776% 50777What is irritating about love is that it is a crime that requires 50778an accomplice. 50779 -- Charles Baudelaire 50780% 50781What is love but a second-hand emotion? 50782 -- Tina Turner 50783% 50784What is mind? No matter. 50785What is matter? Never mind. 50786 -- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875 50787% 50788What is now proved was once only imagin'd. 50789 -- William Blake 50790% 50791What is research but a blind date with knowledge? 50792 -- Will Harvey 50793% 50794What is robbing a bank compared with founding a bank? 50795 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera" 50796% 50797What is status? 50798 Status is when the President calls you for your opinion. 50799 50800Uh, no... 50801 Status is when the President calls you in to discuss a 50802 problem with him. 50803 50804Uh, that still ain't right... 50805 STATUS is when you're in the Oval Office talking to the President, 50806 and the phone rings. The President picks it up, listens for a 50807 minute, and hands it to you, saying, "It's for you." 50808% 50809What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern computer? 50810It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest and the 50811establishment of a Hilton on its peak. 50812% 50813What is the robbing of a bank compared to the founding of a bank? 50814 -- Bertold Brecht 50815% 50816What is the sound of one hand clapping? 50817% 50818What is this line of duty, and suffering? You are not supposed to suffer 50819if you are an assassin. The other person is supposed to suffer. 50820 -- Chiun, glory of the name of Sinanju, teacher of the youth 50821 from outside Sinanju named Remo. 50822% 50823What is tolerance? -- it is the consequence of humanity. We are all formed 50824of frailty and error; let us pardon reciprocally each other's folly -- that 50825is the first law of nature. 50826 -- Voltaire 50827% 50828What is truth? We must adopt a pragmatic definition: it is what is believed 50829to be the truth. A lie that is put across therefore becomes the truth and 50830may, therefore, be justified. The difficulty is to keep up lying... it is 50831simpler to tell the truth and if a sufficient emergency arises, to tell one, 50832big thumping lie that will then be believed. 50833 -- Ministry of Information, memo on the maintenance of 50834 British civilian morale, 1939 50835% 50836What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out, 50837which is the exact opposite. 50838 -- Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical Essays", 1928 50839% 50840What is wanted is not the will-to-believe, 50841but the wish to find out, which is exact opposite. 50842 -- Bertrand Russell 50843% 50844What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it. 50845% 50846What kind of sordid business are you on now? I mean, man, whither 50847goest thou? Whither goest thou, America, in thy shiny car in the night? 50848 -- Jack Kerouac 50849% 50850What luck for the rulers that men do not think. 50851 -- Adolf Hitler 50852% 50853What makes the Universe so hard to comprehend 50854is that there's nothing to compare it with. 50855% 50856What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us 50857is that they think themselves cleverer than we are. 50858% 50859What makes you think graduate school 50860is supposed to be satisfying? 50861 -- Erica Jong, "Fear of Flying" 50862% 50863What most people want is all of the power but none of the responsibility. 50864% 50865What no spouse of a writer can ever understand 50866is that a writer is working when he's staring out the window. 50867% 50868What nonsense people talk about happy marriages! 50869A man can be happy with any woman so long as he doesn't love her. 50870 -- Wilde 50871% 50872What on earth would a man do with himself 50873if something did not stand in his way? 50874 -- H.G. Wells 50875% 50876What one believes to be true either is true or becomes true. 50877 -- John Lilly 50878% 50879What one fool can do, another can. 50880 -- Ancient Simian Proverb 50881% 50882What orators lack in depth they make up in length. 50883% 50884What pains others pleasures me, 50885At home am I in Lisp or C; 50886There i couch in ecstasy, 50887'Til debugger's poke i flee, 50888Into kernel memory. 50889In system space, system space, there shall i fare-- 50890Inside of a VAX on a silicon square. 50891% 50892What passes for optimism is most often the effect of an intellectual error. 50893 -- Raymond Aron, "The Opium of the Intellectuals" 50894% 50895What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing 50896more than man's transparency. 50897 -- George Nathan 50898% 50899What passes for woman's intuition 50900is often nothing more than man's transparency. 50901% 50902What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism. 50903It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books 50904and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes 50905and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: Yes, 50906women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate 50907mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige 50908and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort. 50909 -- Susan Gordon 50910% 50911What really shapes and conditions and makes us is somebody only a few 50912of us ever have the courage to face: and that is the child you once 50913were, long before formal education ever got its claws into you -- that 50914impatient, all-demanding child who wants love and power and can't get 50915enough of either and who goes on raging and weeping in your spirit 50916till at last your eyes are closed and all the fools say, "Doesn't he 50917look peaceful?" It is those pent-up, craving children who make all 50918the wars and all the horrors and all the art and all the beauty and 50919discovery in life, because they are trying to achieve what lay beyond 50920their grasp before they were five years old. 50921 -- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels" 50922% 50923What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy? 50924 -- U.K. LeGuin 50925% 50926What scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch? 50927 -- J.D. Farley 50928% 50929What segment's this, that, laid to rest 50930On FHA0, is sleeping? 50931What system file, lay here a while This, this is "acct.run," 50932While hackers around it were weeping? Accounting file for everyone. 50933 Dump, dump it and type it out, 50934 The file, the highseg of login. 50935Why lies it here, on public disk 50936And why is it now unprotected? 50937A bug in incant, made it thus. Mount, mount all your DECtapes now 50938And copy the file somehow, somehow. The problem has not been corrected. 50939 Dump, dump it and type it out, 50940 The file, the highseg of login. 50941 -- to Greensleeves 50942% 50943What sin has not been committed in the name of efficiency? 50944% 50945What soon grows old? Gratitude. 50946 -- Aristotle 50947% 50948What, still alive at twenty-two, 50949A clean upstanding chap like you? 50950Sure, if your throat 'tis hard to slit, 50951Slit your girl's, and swing for it. 50952Like enough, you won't be glad, 50953When they come to hang you, lad: 50954But bacon's not the only thing 50955That's cured by hanging from a string. 50956So, when the spilt ink of the night 50957Spreads o'er the blotting pad of light, 50958Lads whose job is still to do 50959Shall whet their knives, and think of you. 50960 -- Hugh Kingsmill 50961% 50962What the deuce is it to me? You say that we go around the sun. If we went 50963around the moon it would not make a pennyworth of difference to me or my work. 50964 -- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet" 50965% 50966What the hell is it good for? 50967 -- Robert Lloyd (engineer of the Advanced Computing Systems 50968 Division of IBM), to colleagues who insisted that the 50969 microprocessor was the wave of the future, c. 1968 50970% 50971What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away. 50972% 50973What the scientists have in their briefcases is terrifying. 50974 -- Nikita Khruschev 50975% 50976What they said: 50977 What they meant: 50978 50979"I recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever." 50980 (Yes, that about sums it up.) 50981"The amount of mathematics she knows will surprise you." 50982 (And I recommend not giving that school a dime...) 50983"I simply can't say enough good things about him." 50984 (What a screw-up.) 50985"I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine." 50986 (I can't tell you how happy I am that she left our firm.) 50987"When this person left our employ, we were quite hopeful he would go 50988a long way with his skills." 50989 (We hoped he'd go as far as possible.) 50990"You won't find many people like her." 50991 (In fact, most people can't stand being around her.) 50992"I cannot recommend him too highly." 50993 (However, to the best of my knowledge, he has never committed a 50994 felony in my presence.) 50995% 50996What they said: 50997 What they meant: 50998 50999"If you knew this person as well as I know him, you would think as much 51000of him as I do." 51001 (Or as little, to phrase it slightly more accurately.) 51002"Her input was always critical." 51003 (She never had a good word to say.) 51004"I have no doubt about his capability to do good work." 51005 (And it's nonexistent.) 51006"This candidate would lend balance to a department like yours, which 51007already has so many outstanding members." 51008 (Unless you already have a moron.) 51009"His presentation to my seminar last semester was truly remarkable: 51010one unbelievable result after another." 51011 (And we didn't believe them, either.) 51012"She is quite uniform in her approach to any function you may assign her." 51013 (In fact, to life in general...) 51014% 51015What they said: 51016 What they meant: 51017 51018"You will be fortunate if you can get him to work for you." 51019 (We certainly never succeeded.) 51020There is no other employee with whom I can adequately compare him. 51021 (Well, our rats aren't really employees...) 51022"Success will never spoil him." 51023 (Well, at least not MUCH more.) 51024"One usually comes away from him with a good feeling." 51025 (And such a sigh of relief.) 51026"His dissertation is the sort of work you don't expect to see these days; 51027in it he has definitely demonstrated his complete capabilities." 51028 (And his IQ, as well.) 51029"He should go far." 51030 (The farther the better.) 51031"He will take full advantage of his staff." 51032 (He even has one of them mowing his lawn after work.) 51033% 51034What they say: What they mean: 51035 51036A major technological breakthrough... Back to the drawing board. 51037Developed after years of research Discovered by pure accident. 51038Project behind original schedule due We're working on something else. 51039 to unforseen difficulties 51040Designs are within allowable limits We made it, stretching a point or two. 51041Customer satisfaction is believed So far behind schedule that they'll be 51042 assured grateful for anything at all. 51043Close project coordination We're gonna spread the blame, campers! 51044Test results were extremely gratifying It works, and boy, were we surprised! 51045The design will be finalized... We haven't started yet, but we've got 51046 to say something. 51047The entire concept has been rejected The guy who designed it quit. 51048We're moving forward with a fresh We hired three new guys, and they're 51049 approach kicking it around. 51050A number of different approaches... We don't know where we're going, but 51051 we're moving. 51052Preliminary operational tests are Blew up when we turned it on. 51053 inconclusive 51054Modifications are underway We're starting over. 51055% 51056What they say: What they mean: 51057 51058New Different colors from previous version. 51059All New Not compatible with previous version. 51060Exclusive Nobody else has documentation. 51061Unmatched Almost as good as the competition. 51062Design Simplicity The company wouldn't give us any money. 51063Fool-proof Operation All parameters are hard-coded. 51064Advanced Design Nobody really understands it. 51065Here At Last Didn't get it done on time. 51066Field Tested We don't have any simulators. 51067Years of Development Finally got one to work. 51068Unprecedented Performance Nothing ever ran this slow before. 51069Revolutionary Disk drives go 'round and 'round. 51070Futuristic Only runs on a next generation supercomputer. 51071No Maintenance Impossible to fix. 51072Performance Proven Worked through Beta test. 51073Meets Tough Quality Standards It compiles without errors. 51074Satisfaction Guaranteed We'll send you another pack if it fails. 51075Stock Item We shipped it before and can do it again. 51076% 51077What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel. 51078% 51079What this country needs is a good 5 dollar plasma weapon. 51080% 51081What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING! 51082% 51083What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer. 51084% 51085What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel. 51086% 51087What time is it? 51088I don't know, it keeps changing. 51089% 51090What upsets me is not that you lied to me, 51091but that from now on I can no longer believe you. 51092 -- Nietzsche 51093% 51094What we Are is God's give to us. 51095What we Become is our gift to God. 51096% 51097What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence. 51098 -- Wittgenstein 51099% 51100What we do not understand we do not possess. 51101 -- Goethe 51102% 51103What we need is either less corruption, 51104or more chance to participate in it. 51105% 51106What we see depends on mainly what we look for. 51107 -- John Lubbock 51108% 51109What we wish, that we readily believe. 51110 -- Demosthenes 51111% 51112What will you do if all your problems aren't solved by the time you die? 51113% 51114What you don't know won't help you much either. 51115 -- D. Bennett 51116% 51117What you see is from outside yourself, and may come, or not, but is beyond 51118your control. But your fear is yours, and yours alone, like your voice, or 51119your fingers, or your memory, and therefore yours to control. If you feel 51120powerless over your fear, you have not yet admitted that it is yours, to do 51121with as you will. 51122 -- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "Stormqueen" 51123% 51124What you want, what you're hanging around in the world waiting for, is for 51125something to occur to you. 51126 -- Robert Frost 51127 51128 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 51129 referring to AST's.] 51130% 51131Whatever became of eternal truth? 51132% 51133Whatever became of Strange de Jim? Well, he found a substitute for 51134cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your 51135nostrils as far as they will go. Then you sniff talcum powder while 51136shredding hundred dollar bills." 51137 -- Herb Caen 51138% 51139Whatever doesn't succeed in two months and a half in California will 51140never succeed. 51141 -- Rev. Henry Durant, founder of the University of California 51142% 51143Whatever else can be said about sex, it cannot be called a dignified 51144performance. 51145 -- Helen Lawrenson 51146% 51147Whatever happened to the good old days 51148when sex was dirty and the air was clean? 51149% 51150Whatever is not nailed down is mine. 51151Whatever I can pry up is not nailed down. 51152 -- Collis P. Huntingdon, railroad tycoon 51153% 51154Whatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts. 51155 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) 51156% 51157Whatever occurs from love is always beyond good and evil. 51158 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 51159% 51160Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half 51161as good. Luckily this is not difficult. 51162 -- Charlotte Whitton 51163% 51164Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that 51165you do it. 51166 -- Gandhi 51167% 51168Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this: that you are dreadfully like 51169other people. 51170 -- James Russell Lowell, "My Study Windows" 51171% 51172Whatever you want to do, you have to do something else first. 51173% 51174What's a cult? It just means not enough people to make a minority. 51175 -- Robert Altman 51176% 51177What's all this bru-ha-ha? 51178% 51179What's another word for "thesaurus"? 51180 -- Steven Wright 51181% 51182What's done to children, they will do to society. 51183% 51184What's page one, a preemptive strike? 51185 -- Professor Freund, Communication, Ramapo State College 51186% 51187What's so funny? 51188% 51189What's the matter with the world? Why, there ain't but one thing wrong 51190with every one of us - and that's "selfishness." 51191 -- The Best of Will Rogers 51192% 51193What's the ugliest part of your body? 51194What's the ugliest part of your body? 51195Some say your nose, 51196Some say your toes, 51197But I think it's your mind. 51198 -- Frank Zappa, 1965 51199% 51200What's this stuff about people being "released on their 51201own recognizance"? Aren't we all out on own recognizance? 51202% 51203When a Banker jumps out of a window, 51204jump after him -- that's where the money is. 51205 -- Robespierre 51206% 51207When a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far! 51208% 51209When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose? 51210% 51211When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but 51212the principle of the thing," it's the money. 51213 -- Kim Hubbard 51214% 51215When a girl can read the handwriting on 51216the wall, she may be in the wrong rest room. 51217% 51218When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the 51219inattentions of one. 51220 -- Helen Rowland 51221% 51222When a lion meets another with a louder roar, 51223the first lion thinks the last a bore. 51224 -- G.B. Shaw 51225% 51226When a lot of remedies are suggested for 51227a disease, that means it can't be cured. 51228 -- Chekhov, "The Cherry Orchard" 51229% 51230When a man assumes a public trust, he 51231should consider himself as public property. 51232 -- Thomas Jefferson 51233% 51234When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life. 51235 -- Samuel Johnson 51236% 51237When a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight, 51238it concentrates his mind wonderfully. 51239 -- Samuel Johnson 51240% 51241When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. 51242But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute-- and it's longer than any 51243hour. That's relativity. 51244 -- Albert Einstein 51245% 51246When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him 51247keep her. 51248 -- Sacha Guitry 51249% 51250When a man you like switches from what he said a year ago, or four years 51251ago, he is a broad-minded man who has courage enough to change his mind 51252with changing conditions. When a man you don't like does it, he is a 51253liar who has broken his promises. 51254 -- Franklin Adams 51255% 51256When a person goes on a diet, the first thing he loses is his temper. 51257% 51258When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is not 51259far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space travel 51260is that it made it possible to go elsewhere. 51261 -- R.A. Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love" 51262% 51263When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see 51264the sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain 51265relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten. 51266 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" 51267% 51268When a woman gives me a present I have always two surprises: 51269first is the present, and afterward, having to pay for it. 51270 -- Donnay 51271% 51272When a woman marries again it is because she detested her first husband. 51273When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife. 51274 -- Wilde 51275% 51276When alerted to an intrusion by tinkling glass or otherwise, 1) Calm 51277yourself 2) Identify the intruder 3) If hostile, kill him. 51278 51279Step number 3 is of particular importance. If you leave the guy alive 51280out of misguided softheartedness, he will repay your generosity of spirit 51281by suing you for causing his subsequent paraplegia and seek to force you 51282to support him for the rest of his rotten life. In court he will plead 51283that he was depressed because society had failed him, and that he was 51284looking for Mother Teresa for comfort and to offer his services to the 51285poor. In that lawsuit, you will lose. If, on the other hand, you kill 51286him, the most that you can expect is that a relative will bring a wrongful 51287death action. You will have two advantages: first, there be only your 51288story; forget Mother Teresa. Second, even if you lose, how much could 51289the bum's life be worth anyway? A Lot less than 50 years worth of 51290paralysis. Don't play George Bush and Saddam Hussein. Finish the job. 51291 -- G. Gordon Liddy's Forbes column on personal security 51292% 51293When Alexander Graham Bell died in 1922, the telephone people 51294interrupted service for one minute in his honor. They've been 51295honoring him intermittently ever since, I believe. 51296 -- The Grab Bag 51297% 51298When all else fails, EAT!!! 51299% 51300When all else fails, pour a pint of Guinness in the gas tank, advance 51301the spark 20 degrees, cry "God Save the Queen!", and pull the starter 51302knob. 51303 -- MG "Series MGA" Workshop Manual 51304% 51305When all else fails, read the instructions. 51306% 51307When all else fails, try Kate Smith. 51308% 51309When all other means of communication fail, try words. 51310% 51311When among apes, one must play the ape. 51312% 51313When angry, count four; when very angry, swear. 51314 -- Mark Twain 51315% 51316When arguments fail, use a blackjack. 51317 -- Ed "Spike" O'Donnell 51318% 51319When arguments fail, use a blackjack. 51320 -- Edward "Spike" O'Donnell, Al Capone associate. 51321% 51322When asked the definition of "pi": 51323The Mathematician: 51324 Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the 51325 circumference of a circle and its diameter. 51326The Physicist: 51327 Pi is 3.1415927, plus or minus 0.000000005. 51328The Engineer: 51329 Pi is about 3. 51330% 51331When Boy Scouts do it, it's intense. 51332% 51333When childhood dies, its corpses are called adults. 51334 -- Brian Aldiss 51335% 51336When choosing between two evils, I always 51337like to take the one I've never tried before. 51338 -- Mae West, "Klondike Annie" 51339% 51340When confronted by a difficult problem, you can often solve it quite 51341easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger 51342handle this?" 51343% 51344When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by 51345reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?" 51346% 51347When Cthulhu calls, He calls collect! 51348% 51349When democracy granted democratic methods to us in times of opposition, this 51350was bound to happen in a democratic system. However, we National Socialists 51351never asserted that we represented a democratic point of view, but we have 51352declared openly that we used the democratic methods only to gain power and 51353that, after assuming the power, we would deny to our adversaries without any 51354consideration the means which were granted to us in times of our opposition. 51355 -- Josef Goebbels 51356% 51357When Dexter's on the Internet, can Hell be far behind?" 51358% 51359When does later become never? 51360% 51361When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask? 51362Well, last year, I think it was a Tuesday. 51363% 51364When eating an elephant take one bite at a time. 51365 -- Gen. C. Abrams 51366% 51367When forecasting, give them a number 51368or give them a date, but never both. 51369% 51370When God endowed human beings with brains, 51371He did not intend to guarantee them. 51372% 51373When God saw how faulty was man He tried again and made woman. As to 51374why he then stopped there are two opinions. One of them is woman's. 51375 -- DeGourmont 51376% 51377When he got in trouble in the ring, [Ali] imagined a door swung open and 51378inside he could see neon, orange, and green lights blinking, and bats 51379blowing trumpets and alligators blowing trombones, and he could hear snakes 51380screaming. Weird masks and actors' clothes hung on the wall, and if he 51381stepped across the sill and reached for them, he knew that he was committing 51382himself to destruction. 51383 -- George Plimpton 51384% 51385When I came back to Dublin I was courtmartialed in my absence and sentenced 51386to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence. 51387 -- Brendan Behan 51388% 51389When I demanded of my friend what viands he preferred, 51390He quoth: "A large cold bottle, and a small hot bird!" 51391 -- Eugene Field, "The Bottle and the Bird" 51392% 51393when i die, i'd like to go peacefully. 51394in my sleep. 51395like my grandfather. 51396 51397not screaming, 51398like the passengers in his car... 51399% 51400When I drink, *everybody* drinks!" a man shouted to the assembled bar patrons. A 51401loud general cheer went up. After downing his whiskey, he hopped onto a 51402barstool and shouted "When I take another drink, *everybody* takes another 51403drink!" The announcement produced another cheer and another round of drinks. 51404 As soon as he had downed his second drink, the fellow hopped back 51405onto the stool. "And when I pay," he bellowed, slapping five dollars onto 51406the bar, "*everybody* pays!" 51407% 51408When I first arrived in this country I had only fifteen cents in my pocket 51409and a willingness to compromise. 51410 -- Weber cartoon caption 51411% 51412When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and get a great 51413parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me 51414if i'm leaving. 51415 -- Steven Wright 51416% 51417When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, 51418then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving. 51419 -- Steven Wright 51420% 51421When I grow up, I want to be an honest 51422lawyer so things like that can't happen. 51423 -- Richard Nixon, as a boy, on the Teapot Dome scandal 51424% 51425When I have one foot in the grave I will tell the truth about women. I 51426shall tell it, jump into my coffin, pull the lid over me, and say, "Do 51427what you like now." 51428 -- Tolstoy 51429% 51430When I hear a man applauded by the mob I always feel a pang of pity 51431for him. All he has to do to be hissed is to live long enough. 51432 -- H.L. Mencken, "Minority Report" 51433% 51434When I kill, the only thing I feel is recoil. 51435% 51436When I said "we", officer, I was referring to 51437myself, the four young ladies, and, of course, the goat. 51438% 51439When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said 51440to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane." 51441 -- Franklyn Ajaye 51442% 51443When I say the magic word to all these people, they will vanish forever. 51444I will then say the magic words to you, and you, too, will vanish -- never 51445to be seen again. 51446 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Between Time and Timbuktu" 51447% 51448When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve 51449it on silver trays on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality. 51450 -- Al Capone 51451% 51452When I think about myself, 51453I almost laugh myself to death, 51454My life has been one great big joke, Sixty years in these folks' world 51455A dance that's walked The child I works for calls me girl 51456A song that's spoke, I say "Yes ma'am" for working's sake. 51457I laugh so hard I almost choke Too proud to bend 51458When I think about myself. Too poor to break, 51459 I laugh until my stomach ache, 51460 When I think about myself. 51461My folks can make me split my side, 51462I laughed so hard I nearly died, 51463The tales they tell, sound just like lying, 51464They grow the fruit, 51465But eat the rind, 51466I laugh until I start to crying, 51467When I think about my folks. 51468 -- Maya Angelou 51469% 51470When I was 16, I thought there was no hope for my father. 51471By the time I was 20, he had made great improvement. 51472% 51473When I was a boy I was told that anyone could become President. 51474Now I'm beginning to believe it. 51475 -- Clarence Darrow 51476% 51477When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the backyard... 51478I was an only child... eventually. 51479 -- Stephen Wright 51480% 51481When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd 51482all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. 51483It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear. 51484 -- Jack Handey 51485% 51486When I was a kid, we had a quick-sand box in the backyard. 51487I was an only child... eventually. 51488 -- Steven Wright 51489% 51490When I was a young man, I vowed never to marry until I found the ideal 51491woman. Well, I found her -- but alas, she was waiting for the ideal man. 51492 -- Robert Schuman 51493% 51494When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if 51495I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?" 51496 -- Steven Wright 51497% 51498When I was growing up my mother kept telling me we're just friends. 51499 51500I tell ya I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my Dad kept the kid's 51501picture that came with the wallet he bought. 51502 -- Rodney Dangerfield 51503% 51504When I was in college, there were a lot of four-letter words you couldn't 51505say in front of girls. Now you can say them. But you can't say "girls". 51506% 51507When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: 51508I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. 51509 -- Woody Allen 51510% 51511When I was little, I went into a pet shop and they asked how big I'd get. 51512 -- Rodney Dangerfield 51513% 51514When I was seven years old, I was once reprimanded by my mother for an act 51515of collective brutality in which I had been involved at school. A group of 51516seven-year-olds had been teasing and tormenting a six-year-old. "It is 51517always so," my mother said. "You do things together which not one of you 51518would think of doing alone." ... Wherever one looks in the world of human 51519organization, collective responsibility brings a lowering of moral standards. 51520The military establishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems 51521to have been expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things 51522together which nobody in his right mind would do alone. 51523 -- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope" 51524% 51525When I was young we didn't have MTV; we 51526had to take drugs and go to concerts. 51527 -- Steven Pearl 51528% 51529When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened 51530or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot 51531remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to 51532pieces like this but we all have to do it. 51533 -- Mark Twain 51534% 51535When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked if I had 51536slept well. I said, "No, I made a few mistakes." 51537 -- Steven Wright 51538% 51539When I works, I works hard. 51540When I sits, I sits easy. 51541And when I thinks, I goes to sleep. 51542% 51543When I'm gone, boxing will be nothing again. The fans with the cigars and 51544the hats turned down'll be there, but no more housewives and little men in 51545the street and foreign presidents. It's goin' to be back to the fighter who 51546comes to town, smells a flower, visits a hospital, blows a horn and says 51547he's in shape. Old hat. I was the onliest boxer in history people asked 51548questions like a senator. 51549 -- Muhammad Ali 51550% 51551When I'm good, I'm great; but when I'm bad, I'm better. 51552 -- Mae West 51553% 51554When in charge ponder, 51555When in doubt mumble, 51556When in trouble delegate. 51557% 51558When in doubt, do it. It's much easier 51559to apologize than to get permission. 51560 -- Grace Murray Hopper 51561% 51562When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess. 51563% 51564When in doubt, follow your heart. 51565% 51566When in doubt, have a man come through the door with a gun in his hand. 51567 -- Raymond Chandler 51568% 51569When in doubt, lead trump. 51570% 51571When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder. 51572 -- James H. Boren 51573% 51574When in doubt, tell the truth. 51575 -- Mark Twain 51576% 51577When in doubt, use brute force. 51578 -- Ken Thompson 51579% 51580When in Rome, live in the Roman way. 51581 -- St. Ambrose 51582% 51583When in this world the headlines read 51584Of those whose hearts are filled with greed 51585Who rob and steal from those who need 51586The cry goes up with blinding speed for Underdog (UNDERDOG!) 51587Underdog (UNDERDOG!) 51588Speed of lightning, roar of thunder 51589Fighting all who rob or plunder 51590Underdog (ah-ah-ah-ah) 51591Underdog 51592UNDERDOG! 51593% 51594When in trouble or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout. 51595% 51596When it comes to broken marriages most husbands will split the blame -- 51597half his wife's fault, and half her mother's. 51598% 51599When it comes to helping you, some people stop at nothing. 51600% 51601When it is not necessary to make a decision, 51602it is necessary not to make a decision. 51603% 51604When it's dark enough you can see the stars. 51605 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, 51606% 51607When license fees are too high, 51608users do things by hand. 51609When the management is too intrusive, 51610users lose their spirit. 51611 51612Hack for the user's benefit. 51613Trust them; leave them alone. 51614% 51615When love is gone, there's always justice. 51616And when justice is gone, there's always force. 51617And when force is gone, there's always Mom. 51618Hi, Mom! 51619 -- Laurie Anderson 51620% 51621When man calls an animal "vicious", he usually means that it 51622will attempt to defend itself when he tries to kill it. 51623% 51624When managers hold endless meetings, the programmers write games. When 51625accountants talk of quarterly profits, the development budget is about to 51626be cut. When senior scientists talk blue sky, the clouds are about to roll 51627in. 51628 51629Truly, this is not the Tao of Programming. 51630 51631When managers make commitments, game programs are ignored. When accountants 51632make long-range plans, harmony and order are about to be restored. When 51633senior scientists address the problems at hand, the problems will soon be 51634solved. 51635 51636Truly, this is the Tao of Programming. 51637% 51638When Marriage is Outlawed, 51639Only Outlaws will have Inlaws. 51640% 51641When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results. 51642 -- Calvin Coolidge 51643% 51644When my brain begins to reel from my 51645literary labors, I make an occasional cheese dip. 51646 -- Ignatius Reilly 51647% 51648When my fist clenches crack it open, 51649Before I use it and lose my cool. 51650When I smile tell me some bad news, 51651Before I laugh and act like a fool. 51652 51653And if I swallow anything evil, 51654Put you finger down my throat. 51655And if I shiver please give me a blanket, 51656Keep me warm let me wear your coat 51657 51658No one knows what it's like to be the bad man, 51659 to be the sad man. 51660Behind blue eyes. 51661No one knows what its like to be hated, 51662 to be fated, 51663To telling only lies. 51664 -- The Who 51665% 51666When my freshman roommate at Cornell found out I was Jewish, she was, 51667at her request, moved to a different room. She told me she didn't 51668think she had ever seen a Jew before. My only response was to begin 51669wearing a small Star of David on a chain around my neck. I had not 51670become a more observing Jew; rather, discovering that the label of 51671Jew was offensive to others made me want to let people know who I 51672was and what I believed in. Similarly, after talking to these young 51673women -- one of whom told me that she didn't think she had ever met 51674a feminist -- I've taken to identifying myself as a feminist in the 51675most unlikely of situations. 51676 -- Susan Bolotin, "Voices From the Post-Feminist Generation" 51677% 51678When neither their poverty nor their honor is 51679touched, the majority of men live content. 51680 -- Niccolo Machiavelli 51681% 51682When nothing can possibly go wrong, it will. 51683% 51684When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes. 51685 -- Dylan Thomas 51686% 51687When one knows women one pities men, 51688but when one studies men, one excuses women. 51689 -- Horne Tooke 51690% 51691When one wants to get rid of an unsupportable pressure, one needs hashish. 51692 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 51693% 51694When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony concerts, 51695she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years -- and I find I mind 51696it less and less." 51697 -- Louise Andrews Kent 51698% 51699When oxygen Tech played Hydrogen U. 51700The Game had just begun, when Hydrogen scored two fast points 51701And Oxygen still had none 51702Then Oxygen scored a single goal 51703And thus it did remain, At Hydrogen 2 and Oxygen 1 51704Called because of rain. 51705% 51706When people have trouble communicating, 51707the least they can do is to shut up. 51708 -- Tom Lehrer 51709% 51710When people say nothing, they don't necessarily mean nothing. 51711% 51712When pleasure remains, does it remain a pleasure? 51713% 51714When President Paul Doumer of France was assassinated in Paris in 1932, 51715newspapers differed in their versions of the event. This is from "Paris 51716was Yesterday: 1925-1939" by Janet Flanner, edited by Irving Drutman. 51717 51718 Taste varied as to his cry when he was shot down, the more popular 51719 papers preferring his despairing "Oh, la la!," the graver dailies 51720 favoring "Is it possible?" What few reported were his dying words: 51721 "But what kind of chauffeur was it?" Having been told by his aides 51722 not that he had been shot but that he had been struck by a taxi, the 51723 President spent the last conscious moments of his life wondering how 51724 how an automobile got into the charity book sale at the Maison 51725 Rothschild, where his assassination occurred. 51726% 51727When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for 51728every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when your boss 51729is away and you get twice as much done. 51730 -- Daniel B. Luten 51731% 51732When smashing monuments, save the pedestals -- they always come in handy. 51733 -- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts" 51734% 51735When some people decide it's time for everyone to make 51736big changes, it means that they want you to change first. 51737% 51738When some people discover the truth, they just 51739can't understand why everybody isn't eager to hear it. 51740% 51741When someone makes a move We'll send them all we've got, 51742Of which we don't approve, John Wayne and Randolph Scott, 51743Who is it that always intervenes? Remember those exciting fighting scenes? 51744U.N. and O.A.S., To the shores of Tripoli, 51745They have their place, I guess, But not to Mississippoli, 51746But first, send the Marines! What do we do? We send the Marines! 51747 51748For might makes right, Members of the corps 51749And till they've seen the light, All hate the thought of war: 51750They've got to be protected, They'd rather kill them off by 51751 peaceful means. 51752All their rights respected, Stop calling it aggression-- 51753Till somebody we like can be elected. We hate that expression! 51754 We only want the world to know 51755 That we support the status quo; 51756 They love us everywhere we go, 51757 So when in doubt, send the Marines! 51758 -- Tom Lehrer, "Send The Marines" 51759% 51760When someone says "I want a programming language in 51761which I need only say what I wish done," give him a lollipop. 51762 -- Alan Perlis 51763% 51764When speculation has done its worst, two plus two still equals four. 51765 -- S. Johnson 51766% 51767When taxes are due, Americans tend to feel quite bled-white and blue. 51768% 51769When the Apple IIc was introduced, the informative copy led off with a couple 51770of asterisked sentences: 51771 51772 It weighs less than 8 pounds.* 51773 And costs less than $1,300.** 51774 51775In tiny type were these "fuller explanations": 51776 51777 * Don't asterisks make you suspicious as all get out? Well, all 51778 this means is that the IIc alone weights 7.5 pounds. The power 51779 pack, monitor, an extra disk drive, a printer and several bricks 51780 will make the IIc weigh more. Our lawyers were concerned that you 51781 might not be able to figure this out for yourself. 51782 51783 ** The FTC is concerned about price fixing. You can pay more if 51784 you really want to. Or less. 51785 -- Forbes 51786% 51787When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us!" 51788 -- Turkish proverb 51789% 51790When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff. 51791 -- Chinese proverb 51792% 51793When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never 51794talking about themselves. 51795% 51796When the candles are out all women are fair. 51797 -- Plutarch 51798% 51799When the cup is full, carry it level. 51800% 51801When the English language gets in my way, I walk over it. 51802 -- Billy Sunday 51803% 51804When the fog came in on little cat feet last night, it left these little 51805muddy paw prints on the hood of my car. 51806% 51807When the going gets tough, everyone leaves. 51808 -- Lynch 51809% 51810When the going gets tough, the tough go grab a beer. 51811% 51812When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping. 51813% 51814When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. 51815 -- Hunter S. Thompson 51816% 51817When the government bureau's remedies do not match 51818your problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy. 51819% 51820When the government bureau's remedies don't match your problem, you modify 51821the problem, not the remedy. 51822% 51823When the Guru administers, the users 51824are hardly aware that he exists. 51825Next best is a sysop who is loved. 51826Next, one who is feared. 51827And worst, one who is despised. 51828 51829If you don't trust the users, 51830you make them untrustworthy. 51831 51832The Guru doesn't talk, he hacks. 51833When his work is done, 51834the users say, "Amazing: 51835we implemented it, all by ourselves!" 51836% 51837When the leaders speak of peace 51838The common folk know 51839That war is coming 51840When the leaders curse war 51841The mobilization order is already written out. 51842 51843Every day, to earn my daily bread 51844I go to the market where lies are bought 51845Hopefully 51846I take my place among the sellers. 51847 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Hollywood" 51848% 51849When the lights are out, all women are fair. 51850 -- Plutarch 51851% 51852When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies, 51853the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a 51854nose bleed, which usually cures them of that. 51855 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 51856% 51857When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem starts to look 51858like a nail. 51859% 51860When the President does it, that means it is not illegal. 51861 -- Richard Nixon 51862% 51863When the revolution comes, count your change. 51864% 51865When the saleman's car broke down, he walked to the nearest farmhouse to ask 51866if he could stay the night. The farmer agreed to put him up. "I live alone," 51867he continued, "you can have the bedroom at the top of the stairs, to the 51868right." 51869 "Oh, never mind," the disappointed salesman said. "I think I'm in 51870the wrong joke." 51871% 51872When the sun shineth, make hay. 51873 -- John Heywood 51874% 51875When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the 51876stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them 51877from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones were 51878set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the corners as 51879bodies of a lower grade... 51880 -- Stanislaw Lem 51881% 51882When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in a movie theatre, 51883he walked over and whispered, "I'm sorry, sir, but you're allowed only a single 51884seat." The man moaned, but did not budge. "Sir," the user said more loudly, 51885"if you don't move, I'll have to call a manager." The man moaned again but 51886stayed where he was. The usher left, and returned with the manager, who, after 51887several more attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police. 51888 The cop took a look at the reclining man and said, "All right, boyo, 51889what's your name?" 51890 "Samuel," he mumbled. 51891 "And where're you from, Sam?" 51892 "The balcony." 51893% 51894When the wind is great, bow before it; 51895when the wind is heavy, yield to it. 51896% 51897When there are two conflicting versions of the story, the wise course 51898is to believe the one in which people appear at their worst. 51899 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow" 51900% 51901When there is an old maid in the house, a watch dog is unnecessary. 51902 -- Honore de Balzac 51903% 51904When things go well, expect something to 51905explode, erode, collapse or just disappear. 51906% 51907When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, 51908most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear 51909that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition 51910continuously until death do them part. 51911 -- George Bernard Shaw 51912% 51913When users see one GUI as beautiful, 51914other user interfaces become ugly. 51915When users see some programs as winners, 51916other programs become lossage. 51917 51918Pointers and NULLs reference each other. 51919High level and assembler depend on each other. 51920Double and float cast to each other. 51921High-endian and low-endian define each other. 51922While and until follow each other. 51923 51924Therefore the Guru 51925programs without doing anything 51926and teaches without saying anything. 51927Warnings arise and he lets them come; 51928processes are swapped and he lets them go. 51929He has but doesn't possess, 51930acts but doesn't expect. 51931When his work is done, he deletes it. 51932That is why it lasts forever. 51933% 51934When we are planning for posterity, 51935we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary. 51936 -- Thomas Paine 51937% 51938When we jumped into Sicily, the units became separated, and I couldn't find 51939anyone. Eventually I stumbled across two colonels, a major, three captains, 51940two lieutenants, and one rifleman, and we secured the bridge. Never in the 51941history of war have so few been led by so many. 51942 -- General James Gavin 51943% 51944When we talk of tomorrow, the gods laugh. 51945% 51946When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be 51947as before -- except our finger-tips will have been singed. 51948% 51949When we write programs that "learn", 51950it turns out we do and they don't. 51951% 51952When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands. 51953 -- H.L. Mencken, "Sententiae" 51954% 51955When women love us, they forgive us everything, even our crimes; 51956when they do not love us, they give us credit for nothing, not 51957even our virtues. 51958 -- Honore de Balzac 51959% 51960When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all. 51961 -- Roger Zelazny, "Doorways in the Sand" 51962% 51963When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of investigation 51964of a topic, it is well to gave the answer firmly in hand, so that you can 51965proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or swayed, directly to the 51966goal. 51967 -- Amrom Katz 51968% 51969When you are at Rome live in the Roman style; 51970when you are elsewhere live as they live elsewhere. 51971 -- St. Ambrose 51972% 51973When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut. 51974% 51975When you are working hard, get up and retch every so often. 51976% 51977When you are young, you enjoy a sustained illusion that sooner or later 51978something marvelous is going to happen, that you are going to transcend 51979your parents' limitations... At the same time, you feel sure that in all 51980the wilderness of possibility; in all the forests of opinion, there is a 51981vital something that can be known -- known and grasped. That we will 51982eventually know it, and convert the whole mystery into a coherent 51983narrative. So that then one's true life -- the point of everything -- 51984will emerge from the mist into a pure light, into total comprehension. 51985But it isn't like that at all. But if it isn't, where did the idea come 51986from, to torture and unsettle us? 51987 -- Brian Aldiss, "Helliconia Summer" 51988% 51989When you become used to never being alone, 51990you may consider yourself Americanized. 51991% 51992When you dial a wrong number you never get a busy signal. 51993% 51994When you die, you lose a very important part of your life. 51995 -- Brooke Shields 51996% 51997When you dig another out of trouble, 51998you've got a place to bury your own. 51999% 52000When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly. 52001% 52002When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried. 52003% 52004When you find yourself in danger, when you're threatened by a stranger, 52005When it looks like you will take a lickin'... 52006There is one thing you should learn, 52007When there is no one else to turn to, 52008Caaaall for Super Chicken (**bwuck-bwuck-bwuck-bwuck**) 52009Caaaall for Super Chicken!! 52010% 52011When you find yourself in danger, 52012When you're threatened by a stranger, 52013When it looks like you will take a lickin'... 52014 52015There is one thing you should learn, 52016When there is no one else to turn to, 52017 Caaaall for Super Chicken!! (**bwuck-bwuck-bwuck-bwuck**) 52018 Caaaall for Super Chicken!! 52019% 52020When you find yourself in danger, 52021When you're threatened by a stranger, 52022When it looks like you will take a lickin'... 52023There is one thing you should learn, 52024When there is no one else to turn to, 52025Caaaaaall for Super Chicken. 52026% 52027When you get what you want in your struggle for self 52028And the world makes you king for a day, 52029Just go to a mirror and look at yourself 52030And see what that man has to say. 52031 For it isn't your father or mother or wife 52032 Whose judgement upon you must pass; 52033 The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life 52034 Is the one staring back from the glass. 52035Some people may think you a straight-shootin' chum 52036And call you a wonderful guy, 52037But the man in the glass says you're only a bum 52038If you can't look him straight in the eye. 52039 He's the fellow to please, never mind all the rest, 52040 For he's with you clear up to the end, 52041 And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test 52042 If the man in the glass is your friend. 52043You may fool the whole world down the pathway of life 52044And get pats on the back as you pass, 52045But your final reward will be heartaches and tears 52046If you've cheated the man in the glass. 52047% 52048When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve 52049people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. 52050 -- Norm Crosby 52051% 52052When you go out to buy, don't show your silver. 52053% 52054When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever 52055remains, however improbable, must be the truth. 52056 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four" 52057% 52058When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure 52059clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite 52060answer to a definite problem. For better or worse you have 52061acted decisively. In a way, the next move is up to him. 52062 -- R.A. Lafferty 52063% 52064When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite. 52065 -- W. Churchill, on formal declarations of war 52066% 52067When you jump for joy, beware that no-one 52068moves the ground from beneath your feet. 52069 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts" 52070% 52071When you live in a sick society, 52072just about everything you do is wrong. 52073% 52074When you make your mark in the world, 52075watch out for guys with erasers. 52076 -- The Wall Street Journal 52077% 52078When you meet a master swordsman, 52079show him your sword. 52080When you meet a man who is not a poet, 52081do not show him your poem. 52082 -- Rinzai, ninth century Zen master 52083% 52084When you overesteem great hackers, 52085more users become cretins. 52086When you develop encryption, 52087more users become crackers. 52088 52089The Guru leads 52090by emptying user's minds 52091and increasing their quotas, 52092by weakening their ambition 52093and toughening their resolve. 52094When users lack knowledge and desire, 52095management will not try to interfere. 52096 52097Practice not-looping, 52098and everything will fall into place. 52099% 52100When you say that you agree to a thing in principle, you mean that 52101you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice. 52102 -- Otto von Bismarck 52103% 52104When you speak to others for their own good it's advice; 52105when they speak to you for your own good it's interference. 52106% 52107When you try to make an impression, the 52108chances are that is the impression you will make. 52109% 52110When you were born, a big chance was taken for you. 52111% 52112When your conscious becomes unconscious, you are drunk. 52113When your unconscious becomes conscious, you are stoned. 52114% 52115When your life is a leaf that the seasons tear off and condemn 52116They will bind you with love that is graceful and green as a stem. 52117 -- Leonard Cohen, "Sisters of Mercy" 52118% 52119When your memory goes, forget it! 52120% 52121When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt. 52122 -- Henry J. Kaiser 52123% 52124When you're a Yup 52125You're a Yup all the way 52126From your first slice of Brie 52127To your last Cabernet. 52128 52129When you're a Yup 52130You're not just a dreamer 52131You're making things happen 52132You're driving a Beamer. 52133% 52134When you're away, I'm restless, lonely 52135Wretched, bored, dejected, only 52136Here's the rub, my darling dear, 52137I feel the same when you are hear. 52138 -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "Poems in Praise of Practically Nothing" 52139% 52140When you're bored with yourself, marry, and be bored with someone else. 52141 -- David Pryce-Jones 52142% 52143When you're dining out and you suspect 52144something's wrong, you're probably right. 52145% 52146When you're down and out, lift up your 52147voice and shout, "I'M DOWN AND OUT"! 52148% 52149When you're in command, command. 52150 -- Admiral Nimitz 52151% 52152When you're married to someone, they take you for granted ... when 52153you're living with someone it's fantastic ... they're so frightened 52154of losing you they've got to keep you satisfied all the time. 52155 -- Nell Dunn, "Poor Cow" 52156% 52157When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN. 52158% 52159When you're ready to give up the struggle, who can you surrender to? 52160% 52161WHEN YOU'RE RIDING IN A TIME MACHINE way far into the future, don't stick 52162your elbow out the window or it'll turn into a fossil. 52163 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 52164% 52165When you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all. 52166% 52167Whenever a system becomes completely defined, 52168some damn fool discovers something which either 52169abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition. 52170% 52171WHENEVER ANYBODY SAYS he's struggling to become a human being I have to 52172laugh because the apes beat him to it by about a million years. Struggle 52173to become a parrot or something. 52174 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 52175% 52176Whenever anyone says, "theoretically," they really mean "not really". 52177 -- Dave Parnas 52178% 52179Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children 52180to spend their weekends with? 52181 -- Rita Rudner 52182% 52183Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes. 52184% 52185Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel 52186a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally. 52187 -- A. Lincoln 52188% 52189Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct 52190is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. 52191Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny. 52192 -- Jack Handey 52193% 52194Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. 52195 -- Oscar Wilde 52196% 52197Whenever Richard Cory went downtown, 52198 We people on the pavement looked at him: 52199He was a gentleman from sole to crown, 52200 Clean-favored, and imperially slim. 52201And he was always quietly arrayed, 52202 And he was always human when he talked; 52203But still he fluttered pulses when he said, 52204 "Good morning," and he glittered when he walked. 52205And he was rich -- yes, richer than a king -- 52206 And admirably schooled in every grace: 52207In fine, we thought that he was everything 52208 To make us wish that we were in his place. 52209So on we worked, and waited for the light, 52210 And went without the meat, and cursed the bread; 52211And Richard Cory, one calm summer night, 52212 Went home and put a bullet through his head. 52213 -- E.A. Robinson, "Richard Cory" 52214% 52215Whenever someone tells you to take their advice, 52216you can be pretty sure that they're not using it. 52217% 52218Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that 52219is the last you are going to see of him until he emerges 52220on the other side of his Atlantic with his verb in his mouth. 52221 -- Mark Twain 52222% 52223Whenever you find that you are on the 52224side of the majority, it is time to reform. 52225 -- Mark Twain 52226% 52227Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and 52228weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes 52229and perhaps weigh 1 1/2 tons. 52230 -- Popular Mechanics, March 1949 52231% 52232Where am I? Who am I? Am I? I 52233% 52234Where are the calculations that go with a calculated risk? 52235% 52236WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE 52237 Oh, dear, where can the matter be 52238 When it's converted to energy? 52239 There is a slight loss of parity. 52240 Johnny's so long at the fair. 52241% 52242Where do I find the time for not reading so many books? 52243 -- Karl Kraus 52244% 52245Where do you go to get anorexia? 52246 -- Shelley Winters 52247% 52248Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what 52249is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will. 52250 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 52251% 52252Where is John Carson now that we need him? 52253 -- RLG 52254% 52255Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to 52256examine the laws of heat. 52257 -- Christopher Morley 52258% 52259Where, oh, where, are you tonight? 52260Why did you leave me here all alone? 52261I searched the world over, and I thought I'd found true love. 52262You met another, and *PPHHHLLLBBBBTTT*, you wuz gone. 52263 52264Gloom, despair and agony on me. 52265Deep dark depression, excessive misery. 52266If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all. 52267Oh, gloom, despair and agony on me. 52268 -- Hee Haw 52269% 52270Where, oh where, are you tonight? 52271Why did you leave me here all alone? 52272I searched the world over, 52273And I thought I'd found true love, 52274You met another and [Bronx cheer] you were gone! 52275 -- Hee Haw 52276% 52277Where the hell is Wall Drug? 52278% 52279Where the system is concerned, you're not allowed to ask "Why?". 52280% 52281Where there are visible vapors, having their prevenance 52282in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration. 52283% 52284Where there is much light there is also much shadow. 52285 -- Goethe 52286% 52287Where there's a whip there's a way. 52288% 52289Where there's a will, there's a relative. 52290% 52291Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax. 52292% 52293Where will it all end? 52294Probably somewhere near where it all began. 52295% 52296Where you stand depends on where you sit. 52297 -- Rufus Miles, HEW 52298% 52299Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent. 52300 -- Wittgenstein 52301% 52302Where's the man could ease a heart 52303Like a satin gown? 52304 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Satin Dress" 52305% 52306...whether it is better to spend a life not knowing what you want or to 52307spend a life knowing exactly what you want and that you will never have it. 52308 -- Richard Shelton 52309% 52310Whether weary or unweary, O man, do not rest, 52311Do not cease your single-handed struggle. 52312Go on, do not rest. 52313 -- An old Gujarati hymn 52314% 52315Whether you can hear it or not, 52316The Universe is laughing behind your back. 52317% 52318Which would you rather have, a bursting 52319planet or an earthquake here and there? 52320 -- John Joseph Lynch 52321% 52322While anyone can admit to themselves they were 52323wrong, the true test is admission to someone else. 52324% 52325While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things, 52326The fate of empires and the fall of kings; 52327While quacks of State must each produce his plan, 52328And even children lisp the Rights of Man; 52329Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention, 52330The Rights of Woman merit some attention. 52331 -- Robert Burns, 52332 Address on "The Rights of Woman", November 26, 1792 52333% 52334While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things, 52335The fate of empires and the fall of kings; 52336While quacks of State must each produce his plan, 52337And even children lisp the Rights of Man; 52338Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention, 52339The Rights of Woman merit some attention. 52340 -- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman", 1792 52341% 52342While having never invented a sin, 52343I'm trying to perfect several. 52344% 52345While he was in New York on location for _Bronco Billy_ (1980), Clint 52346Eastwood agreed to a television interview. His host, somewhat hostile, 52347began by defining a Clint Eastwood picture as a violent, ruthless, 52348lawless, and bloody piece of mayhem, and then asked Eastwood himself to 52349define a Clint Eastwood picture. "To me," said Eastwood calmly, "what 52350a Clint Eastwood picture is, is one that I'm in." 52351 -- Boller and Davis, "Hollywood Anecdotes" 52352% 52353While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping, 52354As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door. 52355 -- Edgar Allan Poe, "The Raven" 52356 52357 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 52358 referring to hardware interrupts.] 52359 52360And now I see with eye serene 52361The very pulse of the machine. 52362 -- William Wordsworth, "She Was a Phantom of Delight" 52363 52364 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 52365 referring to software interrupts.] 52366% 52367While money can't buy happiness, it certainly 52368lets you choose your own form of misery. 52369% 52370While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position. 52371% 52372While most peoples' opinions change, 52373the conviction of their correctness never does. 52374% 52375While passing a vacant lot late one night, a jogger was stopped by a man who 52376held a gun to his head. 52377 "Who are you for," the gunman snarled, "Bush or Dukakis?" 52378 The runner thought for a moment, shifting nervously from foot to foot, 52379as the muzzle pressed harder into his temple. 52380 "Bush or Dukakis?" the mugger insisted. 52381 Finally, the jogger shrugged his shoulders, closed his eyes and bowed 52382his head. "Go ahead and shoot." 52383% 52384While there's life, there's hope. 52385 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) 52386% 52387While walking down a crowded 52388City street the other day, 52389I heard a little urchin 52390To a comrade turn and say, 52391"Say, Chimmey, lemme tell youse, 52392I'd be happy as a clam 52393If only I was de feller dat 52394Me mudder t'inks I am. 52395 52396"She t'inks I am a wonder, My friends, be yours a life of toil 52397An' she knows her little lad Or undiluted joy, 52398Could never mix wit' nuttin' You can learn a wholesome lesson 52399Dat was ugly, mean or bad. From that small, untutored boy. 52400Oh, lot o' times I sit and t'ink Don't aim to be an earthly saint 52401How nice, 'twould be, gee whiz! With eyes fixed on a star: 52402If a feller was de feller Just try to be the fellow that 52403Dat his mudder t'inks he is." Your mother thinks you are. 52404 -- Will S. Adkin, "If I Only Was the Fellow" 52405% 52406While we are sleeping, two-thirds of the world is plotting to do us in. 52407 -- Dean Rusk 52408% 52409While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's 52410still very reassuring to know that it's still there. 52411% 52412While you recently had your problems on the run, 52413they've regrouped and are making another attack. 52414% 52415While your friend holds you affectionately by both 52416your hands you are safe, for you can watch both of his. 52417% 52418Whip it, whip it good! 52419% 52420Whistler's Law: 52421 You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge. 52422% 52423Whistler's mother is off her rocker. 52424% 52425White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship. 52426% 52427White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it 52428so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall. That way, by the 52429time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair. 52430% 52431Whitehead's Law: 52432 The obvious answer is always overlooked. 52433% 52434White's Statement: 52435 Don't lose heart! 52436 52437Owen's Commentary on White's Statement: 52438 ...they might want to cut it out... 52439 52440Byrd's Addition to Owen's Commentary: 52441 ...and they want to avoid a lengthy search. 52442% 52443Who are you? 52444% 52445Who can take the demands of the SDS seriously? 52446 -- Nathan Pusey 52447% 52448Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with 52449our new Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process... 52450% 52451Who dat who say "who dat" when I say "who dat"? 52452 -- Hattie McDaniel 52453% 52454Who does not love wine, women, and song, 52455Remains a fool his whole life long. 52456 -- Johann Heinrich Voss 52457% 52458Who does not trust enough will not be trusted. 52459 -- Lao Tsu 52460% 52461Who goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing. 52462 -- Thomas Tusser 52463% 52464Who is D.B. Cooper, and where is he now? 52465% 52466Who is John Galt? 52467% 52468Who is W.O. Baker, and why is he saying those terrible things about me? 52469% 52470Who loves me will also love my dog. 52471 -- John Donne 52472% 52473Who loves not wisely but too well 52474Will look on Helen's face in hell, 52475But he whose love is thin and wise 52476Will view John Knox in Paradise. 52477 -- Dorothy Parker 52478% 52479Who made the world I cannot tell; 52480'Tis made, and here am I in hell. 52481My hand, though now my knuckles bleed, 52482I never soiled with such a deed. 52483 -- A.E. Housman 52484% 52485Who needs companionship when you 52486can sit alone in your room and drink? 52487% 52488Who on earth would eat a charred caterpillar!? 52489No, no, you SINGE 'em! You SINGE 'em and eat 'em! 52490% 52491Who the hell wants to hear actors talk? 52492 -- Harry Warner, Warner Bros. Pictures, c. 1927 52493% 52494Who to himself is law no law doth need, 52495offends no law, and is a king indeed. 52496 -- George Chapman 52497% 52498Who took the MMMMMM out of MURINE? 52499% 52500Who was that masked man? 52501% 52502Who will take care of the world after you're gone? 52503% 52504"WHOA!! Ken and Barbie are having TOO MUCH FUN!! 52505It must be the NEGATIVE IONS!!" 52506 -- Zippy the Pinhead 52507% 52508Whoever dies with the most toys wins. 52509% 52510Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not 52511become a monster. And when you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks 52512into you. 52513 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 52514% 52515Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not 52516become a monster. And when you look long into an abyss, the abyss also 52517looks into you. 52518 -- Nietzsche 52519% 52520Whoever named it "necking" was a poor judge of anatomy. 52521 -- Groucho Marx 52522% 52523Whoever tells a lie cannot be pure in heart -- and only the 52524pure in heart can make a good soup. 52525 -- Ludwig Van Beethoven 52526% 52527Whoever would lie usefully should lie seldom. 52528% 52529Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive insane. 52530% 52531Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods. 52532 -- Bernard Levin 52533% 52534Who's on first? 52535% 52536Who's scruffy-looking? 52537 -- Han Solo 52538% 52539Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people. 52540Why a man would want *two* wives is a bigamystery. 52541% 52542Why am I so soft in the middle when the rest of my life is so hard? 52543 -- Paul Simon 52544% 52545Why are programmers non-productive? 52546Because their time is wasted in meetings. 52547 52548Why are programmers rebellious? 52549Because the management interferes too much. 52550 52551Why are the programmers resigning one by one? 52552Because they are burnt out. 52553 52554Having worked for poor management, they no longer value their jobs. 52555 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 52556% 52557Why are you so hard to ignore? 52558% 52559Why are you watching 52560The washing machine? 52561I love entertainment 52562So long as it's clean. 52563 52564Professor Doberman: 52565 While the preceding poem is unarguably a change from the guarded 52566pessimism of "The Hound of Heaven," it cannot be regarded as an unqualified 52567improvement. Obscurity is of value only when it tends to clarify the poetic 52568experience. As much as one is compelled to admire the poem's technique, one 52569must question whether its byplay of complex literary allusions does not in 52570fact distract from the unity of the whole. In the final analysis, one 52571receives the distinct impression that the poem's length could safely have 52572been reduced by a factor of eight or ten without sacrificing any of its 52573meaning. It is to be hoped that further publication of this poem can be 52574suspended pending a thorough investigation of its potential subversive 52575implications. 52576% 52577Why attack God? He may be as miserable as we are. 52578 -- Erik Satie 52579% 52580Why be a man when you can be a success? 52581 -- Bertolt Brecht 52582% 52583Why be difficult when, with a bit of effort, you could be impossible? 52584% 52585Why be difficult, when, with just a little effort, you can be impossible? 52586% 52587Why be difficult, when, with just a 52588little more effort, you can be impossible? 52589% 52590Why bother building anymore nuclear 52591warheads until we use the ones we have? 52592% 52593Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of 52594movement unless it was to avoid responsibility with? 52595% 52596Why did the Roman Empire collapse? 52597What's the Latin for office automation? 52598% 52599Why do mathematicians insist on using words that already have another 52600meaning? "It is the complex case that is easier to deal with." "If it 52601doesn't happen at a corner, but at an edge, it nonetheless happens at a 52602corner." 52603% 52604Why do seagulls live near the sea? 52605'Cause if they lived near the bay, they'd be called baygulls. 52606% 52607Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic? 52608It's quite uncanny. 52609% 52610Why do they call a fast a fast, when it goes so slow? 52611% 52612Why do they call it baby-SITTING when all you do is run after them? 52613% 52614Why do we want intelligent terminals 52615when there are so many stupid users? 52616% 52617Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away? 52618 -- Carl Sandburg 52619% 52620Why does a ship carry cargo and a truck carry shipments? 52621% 52622Why does man kill? He kills for food. 52623And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. 52624 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 52625% 52626Why doesn't everybody leave everybody else the hell alone? 52627 -- Jimmy Durante 52628% 52629Why don't somebody print the truth about our present economic condition? 52630We spent years of wild buying on credit, everything under the sun, whether 52631we needed it or not, and now we are having to pay for it, howling like a 52632pet coon. This would be a great world to dance in if we didn't have to 52633pay the fiddler. 52634 -- The Best of Will Rogers 52635% 52636Why don't you fix your little problem... and light this candle? 52637 -- Alan Shepherd, the first man into space, Gemini program 52638% 52639Why, every one as they like; as the good woman said when she 52640kissed her cow. 52641 -- Rabelais 52642% 52643Why I Can't Go Out With You: 52644 52645I'd LOVE to, but... 52646 -- I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters. 52647 -- None of my socks match. 52648 -- I'm having all my plants neutered. 52649 -- I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out. 52650 -- My yucca plant is feeling yucky. 52651 -- I'm touring China with a wok band. 52652 -- My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night. 52653 -- I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student 52654 named Basil Metabolism. 52655 -- There are important world issues that need worrying about. 52656 -- I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush. 52657 -- I prefer to remain an enigma. 52658 -- I think you want the OTHER Peggy/Cathy/Mike/whomever. 52659 -- I feel a song coming on. 52660% 52661Why I Can't Go Out With You: 52662 52663I'd LOVE to, but... 52664 -- I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship. 52665 -- I have to sit up with a sick ant. 52666 -- I'm trying to be less popular. 52667 -- My bathroom tiles need grouting. 52668 -- I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner. 52669 -- My subconscious says no. 52670 -- I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I 52671 can't seem to put it down. 52672 -- My favorite commercial is on TV. 52673 -- I have to study for my blood test. 52674 -- I've been traded to Cincinnati. 52675 -- I'm having my baby shoes bronzed. 52676 -- I have to go to court for kitty littering. 52677% 52678Why I Can't Go Out With You: 52679 52680I'd LOVE to, but... 52681 -- I have to floss my cat. 52682 -- I've dedicated my life to linguine. 52683 -- I need to spend more time with my blender. 52684 -- It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People. 52685 -- It's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish/radio. 52686 -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves. 52687 -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products. 52688 -- I'm due at the bakery to watch the buns rise. 52689 -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist. 52690 -- I have some really hard words to look up. 52691% 52692Why I Can't Go Out With You: 52693 52694I'd LOVE to, but... 52695 -- I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes. 52696 -- I'm attending the opening of my garage door. 52697 -- The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots. 52698 -- I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian. 52699 -- I have to fulfill my potential. 52700 -- I don't want to leave my comfort zone. 52701 -- It's too close to the turn of the century. 52702 -- I have to bleach my hare. 52703 -- I'm worried about my vertical hold knob. 52704 -- I left my body in my other clothes. 52705% 52706Why I Can't Go Out With You: 52707 52708I'd LOVE to, but... 52709 -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting. 52710 -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps. 52711 -- I've been scheduled for a karma transplant. 52712 -- I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture. 52713 -- It's my parakeet's bowling night. 52714 -- I'm building a plant from a kit. 52715 -- There's a disturbance in the Force. 52716 -- I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling. 52717 -- I'm teaching my ferret to yodel. 52718 -- My crayons all melted together. 52719% 52720Why is it called a funny bone when it hurts so much? 52721% 52722Why is it taking so long for her to bring out all the good in you? 52723% 52724Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? 52725It is because we are not the person involved. 52726 -- Mark Twain 52727% 52728Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? 52729 -- Stephen Wright 52730% 52731Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet? 52732 -- Lily Tomlin 52733% 52734Why isn't there some cheap and easy 52735way to prove how much she means to me? 52736% 52737Why my thoughts are my own, when they are in, but when they are out they 52738are another's. 52739 -- Susanna Martin, executed for witchcraft, 1681 52740% 52741Why not? -- What? -- Why not? -- Why should I not send it? -- Why should I 52742not dispatch it? -- Why not? -- Strange! I don't know why I shouldn't -- 52743Well, then -- You will do me this favor. -- Why not? -- Why should you not 52744do it? -- Why not? -- Strange! I shall do the same for you, when you want 52745me to. Why not? Why should I not do it for you? Strange! Why not? -- 52746I can't think why not. 52747 -- Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, from a letter to his cousin Maria, 52748 "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele 52749% 52750Why not go out on a limb? 52751Isn't that where the fruit is? 52752% 52753Why on earth do people buy old bottles of wine when they can get a 52754fresh one for a quarter of the price? 52755% 52756Why was I born with such contemporaries? 52757 -- Oscar Wilde 52758% 52759Why, when no honest man will deny in private that every ultimate problem is 52760wrapped in the profoundest mystery, do honest men proclaim in pulpits that 52761unhesitating certainty is the duty of the most foolish and ignorant? Is it 52762not a spectacle to make the angels laugh? We are a company of ignorant 52763beings, feeling our way through mists and darkness, learning only be 52764incessantly repeated blunders, obtaining a glimmering of truth by falling 52765into every conceivable error, dimly discerning light enough for our daily 52766needs, but hopelessly differing whenever we attempt to describe the ultimate 52767origin or end of our paths; and yet, when one of us ventures to declare that 52768we don't know the map of the universe as well as the map of our infinitesimal 52769parish, he is hooted, reviled, and perhaps told that he will be damned to all 52770eternity for his faithlessness. 52771 -- Leslie Stephen, "An Agnostic's Apology", 52772 Fortnightly Review, 1876 52773% 52774Why won't you let me kiss you goodnight? Is it something I said? 52775 -- Tom Ryan 52776% 52777Why would anyone want to be called "Later"? 52778% 52779Why you say you no bunny rabbit when you have little powder-puff tail? 52780 -- The Tasmanian Devil 52781% 52782Wiker's Law: 52783 Government expands to absorb all 52784 available revenue and then some. 52785% 52786Wilcox's Law: 52787 A pat on the back is only a few 52788 centimeters from a kick in the pants. 52789% 52790Will Rogers never met you. 52791% 52792Will you loan me $20.00 and only give me ten of it? 52793That way, you will owe me ten, and I'll owe you ten, and we'll be even! 52794% 52795Will your long-winded speeches never end? 52796What ails you that you keep on arguing? 52797 -- Job 16:3 52798% 52799William Safire's Rules for Writers: 52800 Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice 52801should never be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. 52802Verbs have to agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if 52803you words out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a 52804great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A 52805writer must not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence 52806with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word 52807to end a sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place 52808pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 52809or more words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling 52810participles must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a 52811sentence, a linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid 52812mixing metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone 52813should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in 52814their writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always 52815follows the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; 52816seek viable alternatives. 52817% 52818Williams and Holland's Law: 52819 If enough data is collected, 52820 anything may be proven by statistical methods. 52821% 52822Willie in the cauldron fell; Willie saw some dynamite, 52823See the grief on mother's brow; Couldn't understand it quite; 52824Mother loved her darling well -- Curiosity never pays: 52825Willie's quite hard-boiled by now. It rained Willie seven days. 52826 52827Little Willie with a shout, William in a nice new sash, 52828Gouged the baby's eyeballs out; Fell in the fire and burned to an ash. 52829Stamped on them to make them pop. Now, although the room grows chilly, 52830Mother cried, "Now, William, stop!" I haven't the heart to poke poor Billy. 52831 52832William with a thirst for gore, Little Willie mean as hell, 52833Nailed the baby to the door. Threw his sister in the well! 52834Mother said, with humor quaint: Said his mother when drawing water, 52835"Careful, Will, don't mar the paint." 'sure is hard to raise a daughter.' 52836 -- Harry Graham, "Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes", 1899 52837% 52838Wilner's Observation: 52839 All conversations with a potato should be conducted in private. 52840% 52841Winning isn't everything. It's the only thing. 52842 -- Vince Lombardi 52843% 52844Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything. 52845% 52846Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... 52847If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your 52848head... if you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick... 52849 -- Stephen Wright 52850% 52851Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours." 52852 -- Robert Byrne 52853% 52854Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house 52855as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat. 52856% 52857[Wisdom] is a tree of life to those laying 52858hold of her, making happy each one holding her fast. 52859 -- Proverbs 3:18, NSV 52860% 52861Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know. 52862 -- J. Winter Smith 52863% 52864Wisdom is rarely found on the best-seller list. 52865% 52866Wishing without work is like fishing without bait. 52867 -- Frank Tyger 52868% 52869WIT: 52870 The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery... 52871 by leaving it out. 52872% 52873With a rubber duck, one's never alone. 52874% 52875With all the fancy scientists in the world, 52876why can't they just once build a nuclear balm. 52877% 52878With all the talent around, it's sort of 52879amazing that a woman could be up here with us. 52880 -- Ralph Kiner, on introducing an award winner 52881% 52882With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best. 52883% 52884With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time 52885they make a law it's a joke. 52886 -- W. Rogers 52887% 52888With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand 52889miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, 52890and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there 52891is no such thing as progress. 52892 -- Ransom K. Ferm 52893% 52894With her body, woman is more sincere than man; but with her mind 52895she lies. And when she lies, she does not believe herself. 52896 -- Tolstoy 52897% 52898With listening comes wisdom, with speaking repentance. 52899% 52900With reasonable men I will reason; 52901with humane men I will plead; 52902but to tyrants I will give no quarter. 52903 -- William Lloyd Garrison 52904% 52905With the end of the football season, a star player for the college team 52906celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late-night campus 52907party. Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful coed and 52908eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at 52909parties. 52910 "Oh, I have a three point eight, so I'm much more attracted to the 52911strong academic types than to the dumb party animals," she said. "What's 52912your G.P.A.?" 52913 Grinning ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about twenty-five in 52914the city and forty on the highway." 52915% 52916With the end of the football season, a star player on the college team was 52917celebrating the relaxation of his curfew by attending a late-night campus 52918party. Soon after arriving, he was captivated by a beautiful coed and 52919eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at 52920parties. 52921 "Oh, I have a three point eight, so I'm much more attracted to the 52922strong academic types than to the dumb party animals," she said. "What's 52923you G.P.A.?" 52924 Grinning from ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get at least 52925twenty-five in the city and forty on the highway!" 52926% 52927With women, I've got a long bamboo pole with a leather loop on the end of 52928it. I slip the loop around their necks so they can't get away or come too 52929close. Like catching snakes. 52930 -- Marlon Brando 52931% 52932Within a computer, natural language is unnatural. 52933% 52934Within a month [in 1969] I had met the first of a small but not uninfluential 52935community of people who violently opposed SALT for a simple reason: It might 52936keep America from developing a first-strike capability against the Soviet 52937Union. I'll never forget being lectured by an Air Force colonel about how 52938we should have "nuked" the Soviets in late 1940s before they got The Bomb. 52939I was told that if SALT would go away, we'd soon have the capability to nuke 52940them again -- and this time we'd use it. 52941 -- Roger Molander, former nuclear strategist for the 52942 White House's National Security Council, Washington 52943 Post, 21 March, 1982 52944% 52945Without adventure, civilization is in full decay. 52946 -- Alfred North Whitehead 52947% 52948Without coffee he could not work, or at least he could not have worked in the 52949way he did. In addition to paper and pens, he took with him everywhere as an 52950indispensable article of equipment the coffee machine, which was no less 52951important to him than his table or his white robe. 52952 -- Stefan Zweigs, Biography of Balzac 52953% 52954Without fools there would be no wisdom. 52955% 52956Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless. 52957% 52958Without life, Biology itself would be impossible. 52959% 52960Without love intelligence is dangerous; 52961without intelligence love is not enough. 52962 -- Ashley Montagu 52963% 52964With/Without - and who'll deny it's what the fighting's all about? 52965 -- Pink Floyd 52966% 52967Woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer, 52968Yeah, Ah woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer 52969The future's uncertain and the end is always near. 52970 -- Jim Morrison, "Roadhouse Blues" 52971% 52972Woke up this morning, don't believe what I saw. Hundred billion 52973bottles washed up on the shore. Seems I never noted being alone. 52974Hundred billion castaways looking for a call. 52975% 52976WOLF: 52977 A man who knows all the ankles. 52978% 52979WOMAN: 52980 An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and 52981 having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication. 52982 -- Bierce 52983% 52984Woman: "Is Yoo-Hoo hyphenated?" 52985Yogi Berra: "No, ma'am, its not even carbonated." 52986% 52987Woman are like elephants to me: I like to look at them, but I wouldn't 52988want to own one. 52989 -- W.C. Fields 52990% 52991Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. 52992 -- Dumas 52993% 52994Woman is generally so bad that the difference 52995between a good and a bad woman scarcely exists. 52996 -- Tolstoy 52997% 52998Woman on Street: Sir, you are drunk; very, very drunk. 52999Winston Churchill: Madame, you are ugly; very, very ugly. 53000 I shall be sober in the morning. 53001% 53002Woman was God's second mistake. 53003 -- Nietzsche 53004% 53005Woman was taken out of man -- not out of his head, to rule over him; nor 53006out of his feet, to be trampled under by him; but out of his side, to be 53007equal to him -- under his arm, that he might protect her, and near his heart 53008that he might love her. 53009 -- Henry 53010% 53011Woman would be more charming if one could 53012fall into her arms without falling into her hands. 53013 -- DeGourmont 53014% 53015Woman's advice has little value, but he who won't take it is a fool. 53016 -- Cervantes 53017% 53018Women are a problem, but if you haven't already guessed, 53019they're the kind of problem I enjoy wrestling with. 53020 -- Warren Beatty 53021% 53022Women are all alike. When they're maids they're mild as milk: 53023once make 'em wives, and they lean their backs against their 53024marriage certificates, and defy you. 53025 -- Jerrold 53026% 53027Women are always anxious to urge bachelors to matrimony; is it 53028from charity, or revenge? 53029 -- Gustave Vapereau 53030% 53031Women are just like men, only different. 53032% 53033Women are like elephants to me: I like to 53034look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one. 53035 -- W.C. Fields 53036% 53037Women are not much, but they are the best other sex we have. 53038 -- Herold 53039% 53040Women are nothing but machines for producing children. 53041 -- Napoleon 53042% 53043Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more. 53044 -- Stephens 53045% 53046Women aren't as mere as they used to be. 53047 -- Pogo 53048% 53049Women can keep a secret just as well as men, 53050but it takes more of them to do it. 53051% 53052Women complain about sex more than men. Their gripes fall into two 53053categories: (1) Not enough and (2) Too much. 53054 -- Ann Landers 53055% 53056Women, deceived by men, want to marry them; it is a kind of revenge 53057as good as any other. 53058 -- Philippe De Remi 53059% 53060Women give themselves to God when the 53061Devil wants nothing more to do with them. 53062 -- Arnould 53063% 53064Women give to men the very gold of their lives. Possibly; 53065but they invariably want it back in such very small change. 53066 -- Wilde 53067% 53068Women in love consist of a little sighing, a little 53069crying, a little dying -- and a good deal of lying. 53070 -- Ansey 53071% 53072Women of genius commonly have masculine faces, figures and manners. 53073In transplanting brains to an alien soil God leaves a little of the 53074original earth clinging to the roots. 53075 -- Bierce 53076% 53077Women reason with the heart and are much less often wrong 53078than men who reason with the head. 53079 -- DeLescure 53080% 53081Women sometimes forgive a man who forces the opportunity, 53082but never a man who misses one. 53083 -- Charles De Talleyrand-Perigord 53084% 53085Women treat us just as humanity treats its gods. They worship 53086us and are always bothering us to do something for them. 53087 -- Wilde 53088% 53089Women want their men to be cops. They want you to punish them and tell 53090them what the limits are. The only thing that women hate worse from a man 53091than being slapped is when you get on your knees and say you're sorry. 53092 -- Mort Sahl 53093% 53094Women waste men's lives and think they have 53095indemnified them by a few gracious words. 53096 -- Honore de Balzac 53097% 53098Women, when they are not in love, have all 53099the cold blood of an experienced attorney. 53100 -- Honore de Balzac 53101% 53102Women, when they have made a sheep of a man, 53103always tell him that he is a lion with a will of iron. 53104 -- Honore de Balzac 53105% 53106Women who desire to be like men, lack ambition. 53107% 53108Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination. 53109% 53110Women wish to be loved without a why or a wherefore; 53111not because they are pretty, or good, or well-bred, or 53112graceful, or intelligent, but because they are themselves. 53113 -- Amiel 53114% 53115Women's Libbers are OK, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one. 53116% 53117Women's virtue is man's greatest invention. 53118 -- Cornelia Otis Skinner 53119% 53120Wonder is the feeling of a philosopher, 53121and philosophy begins in wonder. 53122 Socrates, quoting Plato 53123% 53124Wonderful day. 53125Your hangover just makes it seem terrible. 53126% 53127Woodward's Law: 53128 A theory is better than its explanation. 53129% 53130Woody: What's the story, Mr. Peterson? 53131Norm: The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. 53132 Let's just cut to the happy ending. 53133 -- Cheers, Airport V 53134 53135Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you. 53136Norm: I know, and if she calls, I'm not here. 53137 -- Cheers, Bar Wars II: The Woodman Strikes Back 53138 53139Sam: Beer, Norm? 53140Norm: Have I gotten that predictable? Good. 53141 -- Cheers, Don't Paint Your Chickens 53142% 53143Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose? 53144Norm: Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh? 53145 -- Cheers, Feeble Attraction 53146 53147Sam: What are you up to Norm? 53148Norm: My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall. 53149 -- Cheers, Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh 53150 53151Woody: Nice cold beer coming up, Mr. Peterson. 53152Norm: You mean, `Nice cold beer going *down* Mr. Peterson.' 53153 -- Cheers, Loverboyd 53154% 53155Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what do you say to a cold one? 53156Norm: See you later, Vera, I'll be at Cheers. 53157 -- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah 53158 53159Sam: Well, look at you. You look like the cat that 53160 swallowed the canary. 53161Norm: And I need a beer to wash him down. 53162 -- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah 53163 53164Woody: Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson? 53165Norm: No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass. 53166 -- Cheers, Little Carla, Happy at Last, Part 2 53167% 53168Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's up? 53169Norm: The warranty on my liver. 53170 -- Cheers, Breaking In Is Hard to Do 53171 53172Sam: What can I do for you, Norm? 53173Norm: Open up those beer taps and, oh, take the day off, Sam. 53174 -- Cheers, Veggie-Boyd 53175 53176Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson? 53177Norm: Another layer for the winter, Wood. 53178 -- Cheers, It's a Wonderful Wife 53179% 53180Woody: How are you feeling today, Mr. Peterson? 53181Norm: Poor. 53182Woody: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. 53183Norm: No, I meant `pour'. 53184 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 3 53185 53186Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's the story? 53187Norm: Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy gets another beer. 53188 -- Cheers, The Proposal 53189 53190Paul: Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you? 53191Norm: Like a baby treats a diaper. 53192 -- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash 53193% 53194Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson? 53195Norm: Let's talk about what's going *in* Mr. Peterson. A beer, Woody. 53196 -- Cheers, Paint Your Office 53197 53198Sam: How's life treating you? 53199Norm: It's not, Sammy, but that doesn't mean you can't. 53200 -- Cheers, A Kiss is Still a Kiss 53201 53202Woody: Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson? 53203Norm: A little early, isn't it Woody? 53204Woody: For a beer? 53205Norm: No, for stupid questions. 53206 -- Cheers, Let Sleeping Drakes Lie 53207% 53208Woody: What's happening, Mr. Peterson? 53209Norm: The question is, Woody, why is it happening to me? 53210 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 1 53211 53212Woody: What's going down, Mr. Peterson? 53213Norm: My cheeks on this barstool. 53214 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2 53215 53216Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, can I pour you a beer? 53217Norm: Well, okay, Woody, but be sure to stop me at one. ... 53218 Eh, make that one-thirty. 53219 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2 53220% 53221Woolsey-Swanson Rule: 53222 People would rather live with a problem they cannot 53223 solve rather than accept a solution they cannot understand. 53224% 53225Words are the voice of the heart. 53226% 53227Words can never express what words can never express. 53228% 53229Words have a longer life than deeds. 53230 -- Pindar 53231% 53232Words must be weighed, not counted. 53233% 53234WORK: 53235 The blessed respite from screaming kids and 53236 soap operas for which you actually get paid. 53237% 53238Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. 53239Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do. 53240 -- Mark Twain 53241% 53242Work continues in this area. 53243 -- DEC's SPR-Answering-Automaton 53244% 53245Work expands to fill the time available. 53246 -- Cyril Northcote Parkinson, "The Economist", 1955 53247% 53248Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near 53249the earth's surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people 53250to do so. 53251 -- Bertrand Russell 53252% 53253Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life. 53254 -- Schulz 53255% 53256Work is the curse of the drinking classes. 53257 -- Mike Romanoff 53258% 53259Work like hell, tell everyone everything you know, close a deal with 53260a handshake, and have fun. 53261 -- Harold "Doc" Edgerton, summing up his life's philosophy, 53262 shortly before dying at the age of 86. 53263% 53264Work smarter, not harder, and be careful of your speling. 53265% 53266Work without a vision is slavery, 53267Vision without work is a pipe dream, 53268But vision with work is the hope of the world. 53269% 53270Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with 53271a valentine. 53272 -- Christopher Plummer 53273% 53274World tensions have, if anything, increased in the quarter century 53275since H.G. Wells uttered his glum warning: "There is no more evil 53276thing on earth than race prejudice, none at all. I write deliberately 53277-- it is the worst single thing in life now. It justifies and holds 53278together more baseness, cruelty and abomination than any other sort of 53279error in the world." 53280 -- Sydney Harris 53281% 53282Worrying is like rocking in a rocking chair-- 53283It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere. 53284% 53285Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing: 53286 August. The lift lines are the shortest, though. 53287 -- Steve Rubenstein 53288% 53289Worst Month of the Year: 53290 February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if 53291 you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you 53292 don't get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible. 53293 -- Steve Rubenstein 53294% 53295Worst Vegetable of the Year: 53296 Brussel sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year. 53297 -- Steve Rubenstein 53298% 53299Worth seeing? 53300Yes, but not worth going to see. 53301% 53302Worthless. 53303 -- Sir George Bidell Airy, KCB, MA, LLD, DCL, FRS, FRAS 53304 (Astronomer Royal of Great Britain), estimating for the 53305 Chancellor of the Exchequer the potential value of the 53306 "analytical engine" invented by Charles Babbage, September 53307 15, 1842. 53308% 53309WOTD: 53310 53311 ` 53312 53313% 53314Would it help if I got out and pushed? 53315 -- Princess Leia Organa 53316% 53317Would that my hand were as swift as my tongue. 53318 -- Alfieri 53319% 53320Would the last person to leave Michigan please turn out the lights? 53321% 53322Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake? 53323 -- John Heywood 53324% 53325Would you care to drift aimlessly in my direction? 53326% 53327Would you care to view the ruins of my good intentions? 53328% 53329Would you like to be tried in court by people 53330who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty? 53331% 53332Would you people stop playing these stupid games?!?!?!!!! 53333% 53334Would you please have another look at my nose and put in that cocaine 53335stuff.... 53336 -- Adolf Hitler, quoted by Dr. Giesing in Nuremberg trial 53337 testimony, 1947 53338% 53339Would you *really* want to get on a non-stop flight? 53340 -- George Carlin 53341% 53342"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?" 53343"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat. 53344 -- Lewis Carroll 53345% 53346Wouldn't this be a great world if being insecure and desperate were 53347a turn-on? 53348 -- "Broadcast News" 53349% 53350Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been. 53351 -- Mark Twain 53352% 53353Write a wise saying and your name will live forever. 53354 -- Anonymous 53355% 53356Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply. 53357% 53358WRITE-PROTECT TAB: 53359 A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly 53360 left by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error 53361 message once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs 53362 the momentary inconvenience. 53363 -- Robb Russon 53364% 53365write-protect tab, n: 53366 A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly left 53367 by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error message 53368 once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the momentary 53369 inconvenience. 53370 -- Robb Russon 53371% 53372Writers who use a computer swear to its liberating power in tones that bear 53373witness to the apocalyptic power of a new divinity. Their conviction results 53374from something deeper than mere gratitude for the computer's conveniences. 53375Every new medium of writing brings about new intensities of religious belief 53376and new schisms among believers. In the 16th century the printed book helped 53377make possible the split between Catholics and Protestants. In the 20th 53378century this history of tragedy and triumph is repeating itself as a farce. 53379Those who worship the Apple computer and those who put their faith in the IBM 53380PC are equally convinced that the other camp is damned or deluded. Each cult 53381holds in contempt the rituals and the laws of the other. Each thinks that it 53382is itself the one hope for salvation. 53383 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988 53384% 53385Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down. 53386% 53387Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at the blank sheet of 53388paper until drops of blood form on your forehead. 53389 -- Gene Fowler 53390% 53391Writing is turning one's worst moments into money. 53392 -- J.P. Donleavy 53393% 53394Writing software is more fun than working. 53395% 53396WRONG! 53397% 53398WYSIWYG: 53399 What You See Is What You Get. 53400% 53401X windows: 53402 Accept any substitute. 53403 If it's broke, don't fix it. 53404 If it ain't broke, fix it. 53405 Form follows malfunction. 53406 The Cutting Edge of Obsolescence. 53407 The trailing edge of software technology. 53408 Armageddon never looked so good. 53409 Japan's secret weapon. 53410 You'll envy the dead. 53411 Making the world safe for competing window systems. 53412 Let it get in YOUR way. 53413 The problem for your problem. 53414 If it starts working, we'll fix it. Pronto. 53415 It could be worse, but it'll take time. 53416 Simplicity made complex. 53417 The greatest productivity aid since typhoid. 53418 Flakey and built to stay that way. 53419 53420One thousand monkeys. One thousand MicroVAXes. One thousand years. 53421 X windows. 53422% 53423X windows: 53424 It's not how slow you make it. It's how you make it slow. 53425 The windowing system preferred by masochists 3 to 1. 53426 Built to take on the world... and lose! 53427 Don't try it 'til you've knocked it. 53428 Power tools for Power Fools. 53429 Putting new limits on productivity. 53430 The closer you look, the cruftier we look. 53431 Design by counterexample. 53432 A new level of software disintegration. 53433 No hardware is safe. 53434 Do your time. 53435 Rationalization, not realization. 53436 Old-world software cruftsmanship at its finest. 53437 Gratuitous incompatibility. 53438 Your mother. 53439 THE user interference management system. 53440 You can't argue with failure. 53441 You haven't died 'til you've used it. 53442 53443The environment of today... tomorrow! 53444 X windows. 53445% 53446X windows: 53447 Something you can be ashamed of. 53448 30%% more entropy than the leading window system. 53449 The first fully modular software disaster. 53450 Rome was destroyed in a day. 53451 Warn your friends about it. 53452 Climbing to new depths. Sinking to new heights. 53453 An accident that couldn't wait to happen. 53454 Don't wait for the movie. 53455 Never use it after a big meal. 53456 Need we say less? 53457 Plumbing the depths of human incompetence. 53458 It'll make your day. 53459 Don't get frustrated without it. 53460 Power tools for power losers. 53461 A software disaster of Biblical proportions. 53462 Never had it. Never will. 53463 The software with no visible means of support. 53464 More than just a generation behind. 53465 53466Hindenburg. Titanic. Edsel. 53467 X windows. 53468% 53469X windows: 53470 The ultimate bottleneck. 53471 Flawed beyond belief. 53472 The only thing you have to fear. 53473 Somewhere between chaos and insanity. 53474 On autopilot to oblivion. 53475 The joke that kills. 53476 A disgrace you can be proud of. 53477 A mistake carried out to perfection. 53478 Belongs more to the problem set than the solution set. 53479 To err is X windows. 53480 Ignorance is our most important resource. 53481 Complex nonsolutions to simple nonproblems. 53482 Built to fall apart. 53483 Nullifying centuries of progress. 53484 Falling to new depths of inefficiency. 53485 The last thing you need. 53486 The defacto substandard. 53487 53488Elevating brain damage to an art form. 53489 X windows. 53490% 53491X windows: 53492 We will dump no core before its time. 53493 One good crash deserves another. 53494 A bad idea whose time has come. And gone. 53495 We make excuses. 53496 It didn't even look good on paper. 53497 You laugh now, but you'll be laughing harder later! 53498 A new concept in abuser interfaces. 53499 How can something get so bad, so quickly? 53500 It could happen to you. 53501 The art of incompetence. 53502 You have nothing to lose but your lunch. 53503 When uselessness just isn't enough. 53504 More than a mere hindrance. It's a whole new barrier! 53505 When you can't afford to be right. 53506 And you thought we couldn't make it worse. 53507 53508If it works, it isn't X windows. 53509% 53510X windows: 53511 You'd better sit down. 53512 Don't laugh. It could be YOUR thesis project. 53513 Why do it right when you can do it wrong? 53514 Live the nightmare. 53515 Our bugs run faster. 53516 When it absolutely, positively HAS to crash overnight. 53517 There ARE no rules. 53518 You'll wish we were kidding. 53519 Everything you never wanted in a window system. And more. 53520 Dissatisfaction guaranteed. 53521 There's got to be a better way. 53522 The next best thing to keypunching. 53523 Leave the thrashing to us. 53524 We wrote the book on core dumps. 53525 Even your dog won't like it. 53526 More than enough rope. 53527 Garbage at your fingertips. 53528 53529Incompatibility. Shoddiness. Uselessness. 53530 X windows. 53531% 53532Xerox does it again and again and again and... 53533% 53534Xerox never comes up with anything original. 53535% 53536XEROX never does anything original. 53537% 53538XI: 53539 If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would 53540 get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty 53541 times as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all 53542 the managers would fly off. 53543XII: 53544 It costs a lot to build bad products. 53545XIII: 53546 There are many highly successful businesses in the United States. 53547 There are also many highly paid executives. The policy is not to 53548 intermingle the two. 53549XIV: 53550 After the year 2015, there will be no airplane crashes. There will 53551 be no takeoffs either, because electronics will occupy 100 percent 53552 of every airplane's weight. 53553XV: 53554 The last 10 percent of performance generates one-third of the cost 53555 and two-thirds of the problems. 53556 -- Norman Augustine 53557% 53558XLI: 53559 The more one produces, the less one gets. 53560XLII: 53561 Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite testing. 53562XLIII: 53563 Hardware works best when it matters the least. 53564XLIV: 53565 Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a westerly 53566 direction, preferably supersonic, crossing time zones to provide the 53567 additional hours needed to fix the broken electronics. 53568XLV: 53569 One should expect that the expected can be prevented, but the 53570 unexpected should have been expected. 53571XLVI: 53572 A billion saved is a billion earned. 53573 -- Norman Augustine 53574% 53575XLVII: 53576 Two-thirds of the Earth's surface is covered with water. The other 53577 third is covered with auditors from headquarters. 53578XLVIII: 53579 The more time you spend talking about what you have been doing, the 53580 less time you have to spend doing what you have been talking about. 53581 Eventually, you spend more and more time talking about less and less 53582 until finally you spend all your time talking about nothing. 53583XLIX: 53584 Regulations grow at the same rate as weeds. 53585L: 53586 The average regulation has a life span one-fifth as long as a 53587 chimpanzee's and one-tenth as long as a human's -- but four times 53588 as long as the official's who created it. 53589LI: 53590 By the time of the United States Tricentennial, there will be more 53591 government workers than there are workers. 53592LII: 53593 People working in the private sector should try to save money. 53594 There remains the possibility that it may someday be valuable again. 53595 -- Norman Augustine 53596% 53597X-rated movies are all alike -- the only thing 53598they leave to the imagination is the plot. 53599% 53600XVI: 53601 In the year 2054, the entire defense budget will purchase just one 53602 aircraft. This aircraft will have to be shared by the Air Force and 53603 Navy 3-1/2 days each per week except for leap year, when it will be 53604 made available to the Marines for the extra day. 53605XVII: 53606 Software is like entropy. It is difficult to grasp, weighs nothing, 53607 and obeys the Second Law of Thermodynamics, i.e., it always increases. 53608XVIII: 53609 It is very expensive to achieve high unreliability. It is not uncommon 53610 to increase the cost of an item by a factor of ten for each factor of 53611 ten degradation accomplished. 53612XIX: 53613 Although most products will soon be too costly to purchase, there will 53614 be a thriving market in the sale of books on how to fix them. 53615XX: 53616 In any given year, Congress will appropriate the amount of funding 53617 approved the prior year plus three-fourths of whatever change the 53618 administration requests -- minus 4-percent tax. 53619 -- Norman Augustine 53620% 53621XXI: 53622 It's easy to get a loan unless you need it. 53623XXII: 53624 If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock, 53625 not selling advice. 53626XXIII: 53627 Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is 53628 currently estimated. 53629XXIV: 53630 The only thing more costly than stretching the schedule of an 53631 established project is accelerating it, which is itself the most 53632 costly action known to man. 53633XXV: 53634 A revised schedule is to business what a new season is to an athlete 53635 or a new canvas to an artist. 53636 -- Norman Augustine 53637% 53638XXVI: 53639 If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on each 53640 other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to chance. 53641XXVII: 53642 Rank does not intimidate hardware. Neither does the lack of rank. 53643XXVIII: 53644 It is better to be the reorganizer than the reorganizee. 53645XXIX: 53646 Executives who do not produce successful results hold on to their 53647 jobs only about five years. Those who produce effective results 53648 hang on about half a decade. 53649XXX: 53650 By the time the people asking the questions are ready for the answers, 53651 the people doing the work have lost track of the questions. 53652 -- Norman Augustine 53653% 53654XXXI: 53655 The optimum committee has no members. 53656XXXII: 53657 Hiring consultants to conduct studies can be an excellent means of 53658 turning problems into gold -- your problems into their gold. 53659XXXIII: 53660 Fools rush in where incumbents fear to tread. 53661XXXIV: 53662 The process of competitively selecting contractors to perform work 53663 is based on a system of rewards and penalties, all distributed 53664 randomly. 53665XXXV: 53666 The weaker the data available upon which to base one's conclusion, 53667 the greater the precision which should be quoted in order to give 53668 the data authenticity. 53669 -- Norman Augustine 53670% 53671XXXVI: 53672 The thickness of the proposal required to win a multimillion dollar 53673 contract is about one millimeter per million dollars. If all the 53674 proposals conforming to this standard were piled on top of each other 53675 at the bottom of the Grand Canyon it would probably be a good idea. 53676XXXVII: 53677 Ninety percent of the time things will turn out worse than you expect. 53678 The other 10 percent of the time you had no right to expect so much. 53679XXXVIII: 53680 The early bird gets the worm. 53681 The early worm ... gets eaten. 53682XXXIX: 53683 Never promise to complete any project within six months of the end of 53684 the year -- in either direction. 53685XL: 53686 Most projects start out slowly -- and then sort of taper off. 53687 -- Norman Augustine 53688% 53689Ya know, Quaker Oats make you feel good twice! 53690% 53691Yacc owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have 53692goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in 53693their endless search for "one more feature". Their irritating 53694unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my 53695doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right. 53696 -- Stephen C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgements" 53697% 53698Ya'll hear about the geometer who went to the beach to catch some 53699rays and became a tangent ? 53700% 53701Yawd [noun, Bostonese]: the campus of Have Id. 53702 -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary 53703% 53704Yea from the table of my memory 53705I'll wipe away all trivial fond records. 53706 -- Hamlet 53707% 53708Yeah, God is dead, he laughed himself to death. 53709% 53710Yeah, if it looks like a duck, and walks like 53711a duck, and quacks like a duck -- shoot it. 53712% 53713Yeah, that's me, Tracer Bullet. I've got eight slugs in me. One's lead, 53714the rest bourbon. The drink packs a wallop, and I pack a revolver. I'm 53715a private eye. 53716 -- Calvin 53717% 53718Yeah, there are more important things in life than money, 53719but they won't go out with you if you don't have any. 53720% 53721YEAR: 53722 A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments. 53723% 53724Year Name James Bond Book 53725---- -------------------------------- -------------- ---- 5372650's James Bond TV Series Barry Nelson 537271962 Dr. No Sean Connery 1958 537281963 From Russia With Love Sean Connery 1957 537291964 Goldfinger Sean Connery 1959 537301965 Thunderball Sean Connery 1961 537311967* Casino Royale David Niven 1954 537321967 You Only Live Twice Sean Connery 1964 537331969 On Her Majesty's Secret Service George Lazenby 1963 537341971 Diamonds Are Forever Sean Connery 1956 537351973 Live And Let Die Roger Moore 1955 537361974 The Man With The Golden Gun Roger Moore 1965 537371977 The Spy Who Loved Me Roger Moore 1962 (novelette) 537381979 Moonraker Roger Moore 1955 537391981 For Your Eyes Only Roger Moore 1960 (novelette) 537401983 Octopussy Roger Moore 1965 537411983* Never Say Never Again Sean Connery 537421985 A View To A Kill Roger Moore 1960 (novelette) 537431987 The Living Daylights Timothy Dalton 1965 (novelette) 53744 * -- Not a Broccoli production. 53745% 53746Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache. 53747% 53748Yes, but which self do you want to be? 53749% 53750Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those 53751L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l. 53752 -- Rita Rudner 53753% 53754Yes me, I got a bottle in front of me. 53755And Jimmy has a frontal lobotomy. 53756Just different ways to kill the pain the same. 53757But I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, 53758Than to have to have a frontal lobotomy. 53759I might be drunk but at least I'm not insane. 53760 -- Randy Ansley M.D. (Dr. Rock) 53761% 53762Yes, that was Richard Nixon. He used to be President. When he left 53763the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware. 53764 -- Woody Allen, "Sleeper" 53765% 53766Yes, we will be going to OSI, Mars and, Pluto, but not necessarily in 53767that order. 53768 -- Jeffrey Honig 53769% 53770Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. 53771Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. 53772Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement. 53773 -- Snoopy 53774% 53775Yesterday upon the stair 53776I met a man who wasn't there. 53777He wasn't there again today -- 53778I think he's from the CIA. 53779% 53780Ye've also got to remember that ... respectable people do the most 53781astonishin' things to preserve their respectability. Thank God 53782I'm not respectable. 53783 -- Ruthven Campbell Todd 53784% 53785Yevtushenko has... an ego that can crack crystal at a distance of twenty 53786feet. 53787 -- John Cheever 53788% 53789Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again. 53790% 53791YINKEL: 53792 A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, 53793 hoping no one will notice. 53794 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 53795% 53796You ain't learning nothing when you're talking. 53797% 53798You always have the option of pitching baseballs at empty 53799spray paint cans in a cul-de-sac in a Cleveland suburb. 53800% 53801You are a bundle of energy, always on the go. 53802% 53803You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here. 53804% 53805You are a taxi driver. Your cab is yellow and black, and has been in 53806use for only seven years. One of its windshield wipers is broken, and 53807the carburetor needs adjusting. The tank holds 20 gallons, but at the 53808moment is only three-quarters full. How old is the taxi driver?" 53809% 53810You are a wish to be here wishing yourself. 53811 -- Philip Whalen 53812% 53813You are absolute plate-glass. I see to the very back of your mind. 53814 -- Sherlock Holmes 53815% 53816You are always busy. 53817% 53818You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk. 53819% 53820You are an insult to my intelligence! 53821I demand that you log off immediately. 53822% 53823You are as I am with You. 53824% 53825You are capable of planning your future. 53826% 53827You are confused; but this is your normal state. 53828% 53829You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances. 53830% 53831You are destined to become the commandant of the 53832fighting men of the department of transportation. 53833% 53834You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend. 53835% 53836You are fairminded, just and loving. 53837% 53838You are false data. 53839% 53840You are farsighted, a good planner, 53841an ardent lover, and a faithful friend. 53842% 53843You are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way. 53844% 53845You are going to have a new love affair. 53846% 53847You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all alike. 53848% 53849You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all different. 53850% 53851You are in the hall of the mountain king. 53852% 53853You are lost in the Swamps of Despair. 53854% 53855You are loved by the multitudes. 53856Have you been to the clinic lately? 53857% 53858You are magnetic in your bearing. 53859% 53860You are never given a wish without also being given the 53861power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however. 53862 -- R. Bach, "Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for 53863 the Advanced Soul" 53864% 53865You are not a fool just because you have done 53866something foolish -- only if the folly of it escapes you. 53867% 53868You are not dead yet. 53869But watch for further reports. 53870% 53871You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing 53872forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute. You are 53873avenged fourteen hundred and forty times a day. 53874 -- Ambrose Bierce 53875% 53876You are now in Atlanta, Georgia. 53877Please set your clocks back 200 years. 53878% 53879You are number 6! Who is number one? 53880% 53881"You are old, father William," the young man said, 53882 "And your hair has become very white; 53883And yet you incessantly stand on your head -- 53884 Do you think, at your age, it is right?" 53885 53886"In my youth," father William replied to his son, 53887 "I feared it might injure the brain; 53888But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none, 53889 Why, I do it again and again." 53890 53891"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before, 53892 And have grown most uncommonly fat; 53893Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door -- 53894 Pray what is the reason of that?" 53895 53896"In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks, 53897 "I kept all my limbs very supple 53898By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box -- 53899 Allow me to sell you a couple?" 53900% 53901"You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak 53902 For anything tougher than suet; 53903Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak -- 53904 Pray, how did you manage to do it?" 53905 53906"In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law, 53907 And argued each case with my wife; 53908And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw, 53909 Has lasted the rest of my life." 53910 53911"You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose 53912 That your eye was as steady as ever; 53913Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose -- 53914 What made you so awfully clever?" 53915 53916"I have answered three questions, and that is enough," 53917 Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs! 53918Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? 53919 Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!" 53920% 53921You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. 53922% 53923You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward. 53924Therefore you have few friends. 53925% 53926You are sick, twisted and perverted. 53927I like that in a person. 53928% 53929You are so boring that when I see you my feet go to sleep. 53930% 53931"You are *so* lovely." 53932"Yes." 53933"Yes! And you take a compliment, too! I like that in a goddess." 53934% 53935You are standing on my toes. 53936% 53937You are taking yourself far too seriously. 53938% 53939You are transported to a room where you are faced by a wizard who 53940points to you and says, "Them's fighting words!" You immediately get 53941attacked by all sorts of denizens of the museum: there is a cobra 53942chewing on your leg, a troglodyte is bashing your brains out with a 53943gold nugget, a crocodile is removing large chunks of flesh from you, a 53944rhinoceros is goring you with his horn, a sabre-tooth cat is busy 53945trying to disembowel you, you are being trampled by a large mammoth, a 53946vampire is sucking you dry, a Tyrannosaurus Rex is sinking his six inch 53947long fangs into various parts of your anatomy, a large bear is 53948dismembering your body, a gargoyle is bouncing up and down on your 53949head, a burly troll is tearing you limb from limb, several dire wolves 53950are making mince meat out of your torso, and the wizard is about to 53951transport you to the corner of Westwood and Broxton. Oh dear, you seem 53952to have gotten yourself killed, as well. 53953 53954You scored 0 out of 250 possible points. 53955That gives you a ranking of junior beginning adventurer. 53956To achieve the next higher rating, you need to score 32 more points. 53957% 53958You are wise, witty, and wonderful, 53959but you spend too much time reading this sort of trash. 53960% 53961You ask what a nice girl will do? 53962She won't give an inch, but she won't say no. 53963 -- Marcus Valerius Martialis 53964% 53965You attempt things that you do not even plan 53966because of your extreme stupidity. 53967% 53968You auto buy now. 53969% 53970"You boys lookin' for trouble?" 53971"Sure. Whaddya got?" 53972 -- Marlon Brando, "The Wild Ones" 53973% 53974You buttered your bread, now lie in it! 53975% 53976You buy a judge by weight, like iron in a junk yard. A justice of the 53977peace or a magistrate can be had for a five-dollar bill. In the 53978municipal courts, he will cost you ten. In the circuit or superior 53979courts, he wants fifteen. The state appellate courts or the state 53980supreme court is on a par with the Federal courts. By the time a judge 53981reaches such courts, he is middle-aged, thick around the middle, fat 53982between the ears. He's heavy. You can't buy a Federal judge for less 53983than a twenty-dollar bill. 53984 -- Jake "Greasy Thumb" Guzik 53985% 53986You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove. 53987 -- Tim Leary 53988% 53989You can always tell luck from ability by its duration. 53990% 53991You can always tell the people that are forging the new frontier. 53992They're the ones with arrows sticking out of their backs. 53993% 53994You can be replaced by this computer. 53995% 53996You can bear anything if it isn't your own fault. 53997 -- Katharine Fullerton Gerould 53998% 53999You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it 54000doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on. 54001 -- Hepler, CS, University of Washington 54002% 54003You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it 54004doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on. 54005 -- Hepler, Systems Design 182 54006% 54007You can bring men from other parts of the world who are sane. And you 54008know what happens? At the very moment they cross those mountains... 54009they go mad. Instantaneously and automatically, at the very moment 54010they cross the mountains into California, they go insane. 54011 -- Quentin Genter 54012% 54013You can build a throne out of bayonets, but you can't sit on it for very long. 54014 -- Boris Yeltsin 54015% 54016You can cage a swallow, can't you, 54017 but you can't swallow a cage, can you? 54018Girl, bathing on Bikini, eyeing boy, 54019 finds boy eyeing bikini on bathing girl. 54020A man, a plan, a canal -- Panama! 54021 -- The Palindromist 54022% 54023You can create your own opportunities this week. 54024Blackmail a senior executive. 54025% 54026You can destroy your now by worrying about tomorrow. 54027 -- Janis Joplin 54028% 54029You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them. 54030Why do you find that funny? 54031 -- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350 54032% 54033You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them. 54034Why do you find that funny? 54035 -- D. Taylor, CS, University of Washington 54036% 54037You can do very well in speculation where 54038land or anything to do with dirt is concerned. 54039% 54040You can drive a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead. 54041% 54042You can fool all the people all of the time if the advertising is right 54043and the budget is big enough. 54044 -- Joseph E. Levine 54045% 54046You can fool some of the people all of the time and all 54047of the people some of the time, but you can never fool your Mom. 54048% 54049You can fool some of the people all of the time, 54050and all of the people some of the time, 54051but you can make a fool of yourself anytime. 54052% 54053You can fool some of the people some of the time, 54054and some of the people all of the time, and that is sufficient. 54055% 54056You can get *anywhere* in ten minutes if you drive fast enough. 54057% 54058You can get everything in life you want, 54059if you will help enough other people get what they want. 54060% 54061You can get much further with a kind word and a 54062gun than you can with a kind word alone. 54063 -- Al Capone 54064 [Also attributed to Johnny Carson. Ed.] 54065% 54066You can get there from here, but why on earth would you want to? 54067% 54068You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. 54069% 54070You can grovel with a lover, you can grovel with a friend, 54071You can grovel with your boss, and it never has to end. 54072 54073(chorus) Grovel, grovel, grovel, every night and every day, 54074 Grovel, grovel, grovel, in your own peculiar way. 54075 54076You can grovel in a hallway, you can grovel in a park, 54077You can grovel in an alley with a mugger after dark. 54078(chorus) 54079 54080You can grovel with your uncle, you can grovel with your aunt, 54081You can grovel with your Apple, even though you say you can't. 54082(chorus) 54083% 54084You can have a dog as a friend. You can have whiskey as a friend. But 54085if you have a woman as a friend, you're going to wind up drunk and kissing 54086your dog. 54087 -- foolin' around 54088% 54089You can have peace. Or you can have freedom. 54090Don't ever count on having both at once. 54091 -- Lazarus Long 54092% 54093You can imagine my embarrassment when I killed the wrong guy. 54094 -- Joe Valachi 54095% 54096You can lead a horse to water, but if you can 54097get him to float on his back, you've got something. 54098% 54099You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, 54100for instance. 54101 -- Franklin P. Jones 54102% 54103You can make it illegal, but can't make it unpopular. 54104% 54105You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular. 54106% 54107You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting 54108his attitude on the continuing vitality of FORTRAN. 54109% 54110You can move the world with an idea, 54111but you have to think of it first. 54112% 54113You can never do just one thing. 54114 -- Hardin 54115% 54116You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks. 54117% 54118You can never trust a woman; she may be true to you. 54119% 54120You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake. 54121 -- Jeannette Rankin 54122% 54123You can not get anything worthwhile done without raising a sweat. 54124 -- The First Law Of Thermodynamics 54125 54126What ever you want is going to cost a little more than it is worth. 54127 -- The Second Law Of Thermodynamics 54128 54129You can not win the game, and you are not allowed to stop playing. 54130 -- The Third Law Of Thermodynamics 54131% 54132You can now buy more gates with less 54133specifications than at any other time in history. 54134 -- Kenneth Parker 54135% 54136You can observe a lot just by watching. 54137 -- Yogi Berra 54138% 54139You can rent this space for only $5 a week. 54140% 54141You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding 54142decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left 54143over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart. 54144 -- F. Allen 54145% 54146You can tell how far we have to go, 54147when Fortran is the language of supercomputers. 54148 -- Steven Feiner 54149% 54150You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements. 54151 -- Norman Douglas 54152% 54153You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename. 54154 -- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington 54155% 54156You canna change the laws of physics, Captain; 54157I've got to have thirty minutes! 54158% 54159You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd. 54160% 54161You cannot choose your battlefield, the gods do that for you. 54162But you can plant a standard where a standard never flew. 54163 -- Nathalia Crane 54164% 54165You cannot have a science without measurement. 54166 -- R. W. Hamming 54167% 54168You cannot kill time without injuring eternity. 54169% 54170You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back. 54171% 54172You cannot see the wood for the trees. 54173 -- John Heywood 54174% 54175You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist. 54176 -- Indira Gandhi 54177% 54178You cannot use your friends and have them too. 54179% 54180You can't break eggs without making an omelet. 54181% 54182You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks. 54183% 54184You can't cheat an honest man, never give 54185a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump. 54186 -- W.C. Fields 54187% 54188You can't cheat the phone company. 54189% 54190You can't cross a large chasm in two small jumps. 54191% 54192You can't depend on the man who made the mess to clean it up. 54193 -- Richard Nixon, 1952 54194% 54195You can't erase a dream, you can only wake me up. 54196 -- Peter Frampton 54197% 54198You can't expect a boy to be vicious till he's been to a good school. 54199 -- H.H. Munro 54200% 54201"You can't expect a mother to be with a small child all the time", 54202Margaret Mead once remarked, with her usual good sense, but in 1978 54203she shocked feminists by snapping that women don't really have 54204children to put them in day care twelve hours a day, either. 54205 -- Caroline Bird, "The Two Paycheck Marriage" 54206% 54207You can't fall off the floor. 54208% 54209You can't get there from here. 54210% 54211You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME. 54212% 54213You can't have everything. Where would you put it? 54214 -- Steven Wright 54215% 54216You can't have your cake and let your neighbor eat it too. 54217 -- Ayn Rand 54218% 54219You can't hug a child with nuclear arms. 54220% 54221You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair. 54222% 54223You can't kiss a girl unexpectedly -- 54224only sooner than she thought you would. 54225% 54226You can't learn too soon that the most useful thing about a principle 54227is that it can always be sacrificed to expediency. 54228 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle" 54229% 54230You can't mend a wristwatch while falling from an airplane. 54231% 54232You can't play your friends like marks, kid. 54233 -- Henry Gondorf, "The Sting" 54234% 54235You can't push on a string. 54236% 54237You can't run away forever, 54238But there's nothing wrong with getting a good head start. 54239 -- Jim Steinman, "Rock and Roll Dreams Come Through" 54240% 54241You can't say civilization don't advance... in every war they kill you a 54242new way. 54243 -- Will Rogers 54244% 54245You can't start worrying about what's going to happen. 54246You get spastic enough worrying about what's happening now. 54247 -- Lauren Bacall 54248% 54249You can't take damsel here now. 54250% 54251You can't take it with you -- 54252especially when crossing a state line. 54253% 54254You can't teach people to be lazy -- 54255either they have it, or they don't. 54256 -- Dagwood Bumstead 54257% 54258You can't underestimate the power of fear. 54259 -- Tricia Nixon Cox 54260% 54261You climb to reach the summit, but once 54262there, discover that all roads lead down. 54263 -- Stanislaw Lem, "The Cyberiad" 54264% 54265You could get a new lease on life -- if only you 54266didn't need the first and last month in advance. 54267% 54268You could live a better life, if you 54269had a better mind and a better body. 54270% 54271You couldn't even prove the White House 54272staff sane beyond a reasonable doubt. 54273 -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict 54274% 54275You definitely intend to start living sometime soon. 54276% 54277You dialed 5483. 54278% 54279You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy. 54280% 54281You do not have mail. 54282% 54283You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one. 54284% 54285You don't have to be nice to people on the way up 54286if you're not planning on coming back down. 54287 -- Oliver Warbucks, "Annie" 54288% 54289You don't have to explain something you never said. 54290 -- Calvin Coolidge 54291% 54292You don't have to know how the computer 54293works, just how to work the computer. 54294% 54295You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers. 54296 -- J.D. Salinger 54297% 54298You don't move to Edina, you achieve Edina. 54299 -- Guindon 54300% 54301You don't sew with a fork, so I see no 54302reason to eat with knitting needles. 54303 -- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food 54304% 54305You enjoy the company of other people. 54306% 54307You feel a whole lot more like you do 54308now than you did when you used to. 54309% 54310You fill a much-needed gap. 54311% 54312You first parent of the human race... who ruined yourself for an apple, 54313what might you have done for a truffled turkey? 54314 -- Brillat-savarin, "Physiologie du Gout" 54315% 54316You first parents of the human race... who ruined yourself for 54317an apple, what might you not have done for a truffled turkey? 54318 -- Brillat-Savarin 54319% 54320You get along very well with everyone except animals and people. 54321% 54322You get what you pay for. 54323 -- Gabriel Biel 54324% 54325You give me space to belong to myself yet without separating me 54326from your own life. May it all turn out to your happiness. 54327 -- Goethe 54328% 54329You go down to the pickup station, 54330 craving warmth and beauty; 54331You settle for less than fascination -- 54332 a few drinks later you're not so choosy. 54333And the closing lights strip off the shadows 54334 on this strange new flesh you've found -- 54335Clutching the night to you like a fig leaf 54336 you hurry to the blackness 54337 and the blankets to lay down an impression 54338 and your loneliness. 54339 -- Joni Mitchell 54340% 54341You got to be very careful if you don't know 54342where you're going, because you might not get there. 54343 -- Yogi Berra 54344% 54345You got to pay your dues if you want to sing the blues, 54346And you know it don't come easy ... 54347I don't ask for much, I only want trust, 54348And you know it don't come easy ... 54349% 54350You guys have been practicing discrimination for years. 54351Now it's our turn. 54352 -- Thurgood Marshall, quoted by Justice Douglas 54353% 54354You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it! 54355% 54356You had mail. 54357Paul read it, so ask him what it said. 54358% 54359You had some happiness once, 54360but your parents moved away, and you had to leave it behind. 54361% 54362You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music. 54363% 54364You have a deep interest in all that is artistic. 54365% 54366You have a massage (from the Swedish prime minister). 54367% 54368You have a message from the operator. 54369% 54370You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy. 54371A pity that it's totally undeserved. 54372% 54373You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex. 54374% 54375You have a strong appeal for members of your own sex. 54376% 54377You have a strong desire for a home 54378and your family interests come first. 54379% 54380You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers. 54381% 54382You have a truly strong individuality. 54383% 54384You have a will that can be influenced 54385by all with whom you come in contact. 54386% 54387You have all eternity to be cautious in when you're dead. 54388 -- Lois Platford 54389% 54390You have all the characteristics of a popular politician: 54391a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner. 54392 -- Aristophanes 54393% 54394You have an ability to sense and know higher truth. 54395% 54396You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself. 54397% 54398You have an unusual equipment for success. 54399Be sure to use it properly. 54400% 54401You have an unusual understanding of 54402the problems of human relationships. 54403% 54404You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive. 54405 -- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet" 54406% 54407You have been selected for a secret mission. 54408% 54409You have Egyptian flu: you're going to be a mummy. 54410% 54411You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business. 54412% 54413You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop. 54414% 54415You have mail. 54416% 54417You have many friends and very few living enemies. 54418% 54419You have no real enemies. 54420% 54421You have not converted a man because you have silenced him. 54422 -- John Viscount Morley 54423% 54424You have only to mumble a few words in church to get married 54425and few words in your sleep to get divorced. 54426% 54427You have taken yourself too seriously. 54428% 54429You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. 54430You'll learn a lot today. 54431% 54432You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact. 54433% 54434You have to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are. 54435If you want to get anywhere, you'll have to run much faster. 54436 -- Lewis Carroll 54437% 54438You humans are all alike. 54439% 54440You just know when a relationship is about to end. My girlfriend called me 54441at work and asked me how you change a lightbulb in the bathroom. "It's very 54442simple," I said. "You start by filling up the bathtub with water..." 54443% 54444You just wait, I'll sin till I blow up! 54445 -- Dylan Thomas 54446% 54447You k'n hide de fier, but w'at you gwine do wid de smoke? 54448 -- Joel Chandler Harris, proverbs of Uncle Remus 54449% 54450You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred. 54451 -- Superchicken 54452% 54453You know, Callahan's is a peaceable bar, but if 54454you ask that dog what his favorite formatter is, 54455and he says "roff! roff!", well, I'll just have to... 54456% 54457You know how to win a victory, Hannibal, but not how to use it. 54458 -- Maharbal 54459% 54460You know it's going to be a long day when you get up, shave and shower, 54461start to get dressed and your shoes are still warm. 54462 -- Dean Webber 54463% 54464You know it's Monday when you wake up and it's Tuesday. 54465 -- Garfield 54466% 54467You know my heart keeps tellin' me, 54468You're not a kid at thirty-three, 54469You play around you lose your wife, 54470You play too long, you lose your life. 54471Some gotta win, some gotta lose, 54472Goodtime Charlie's got the blues. 54473% 54474You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, 54475are now extinct. 54476 -- M. Somerset Maugham 54477% 54478You know that feeling you get when you are tipping your chair back and you 54479almost go crashing back on the floor but you just catch yourself? I feel 54480like that all the time. 54481 -- Stephen Wright 54482% 54483You know, the difference between this company and 54484the Titanic is that the Titanic had paying customers. 54485% 54486You know very well that whether you are on page one or page thirty depends 54487on whether [the press] fear you. It is just as simple as that. 54488 -- Richard Nixon 54489% 54490You know what I wish? I wish all the scum of the Earth had one throat 54491and I had my hands about it. 54492 -- Rorschach, "Watchmen" 54493% 54494You know what they say -- the sweetest word in the English language 54495is revenge. 54496 -- Peter Beard 54497% 54498You know what we can be like: See a guy and think he's cute one minute, the 54499next minute our brains have us married with kids, the following minute we see 54500him having an extramarital affair. By the time someone says "I'd like you to 54501meet Cecil," we shout, "You're late again with the child support!" 54502 -- Cynthia Heimel, "A Girl's Guide to Chaos" 54503%% 54504I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two 54505highly trained certified public accountants. 54506 -- Elvis Presley 54507% 54508You know you are getting old when you think you should drive the speed limit. 54509 -- E.A. Gilliam 54510% 54511You know your apartment is small... 54512 when you can't know its position and velocity at the same time. 54513 you put your key in the lock and it breaks the window. 54514 you have to go outside to change your mind. 54515 you can vacuum the entire place using a single electrical outlet. 54516% 54517You know you're getting old when you're Dad, and you're measuring your 54518daughter for camp clothes, and there are certain measurements only her 54519mother is allowed to take. 54520% 54521You know you're in a small town when... 54522 You don't use turn signals because everybody knows where you're going. 54523 You're born on June 13 and your family receives gifts from the local 54524 merchants because you're the first baby of the year. 54525 Everyone knows whose credit is good, and whose wife isn't. 54526 You speak to each dog you pass, by name... and he wags his tail. 54527 You dial the wrong number, and talk for 15 minutes anyway. 54528 You write a check on the wrong bank and it covers you anyway. 54529% 54530You know you're in trouble when... 545311) You wake up face down on the pavement. 545322) Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache. 545333) You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes 54534 out of the city. 545354) Your twin sister forgot your birthday. 545365) You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then 54537 remember that you don't have a waterbed. 545386) Your doctor tells you you're allergic to chocolate. 54539% 54540You know you're in trouble when... 545411) Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you 54542 follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway. 545432) You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party 54544 and there aren't any. 545453) Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat. 545464) The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard. 545475) You wake up and your braces are locked together. 545486) Your mother approves of the person you're dating. 54549% 54550You know you're in trouble when... 54551(1) Your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind 54552 her own business. 54553(2) You put your bra on backwards and it fits better. 54554(3) You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold. 54555(4) You see a `60 Minutes' news team waiting in your office. 54556(5) Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. 54557(6) Your 4-year old reveals that it's "almost impossible" to 54558 flush a grapefruit down the toilet. 54559(7) You realize that you've memorized the back of the cereal box. 54560% 54561You know you're in trouble when... 54562(1) You've been at work for an hour before you notice that your 54563 skirt is caught in your pantyhose. 54564(2) Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife. 54565(3) Your income tax check bounces. 54566(4) You put both contact lenses in the same eye. 54567(5) Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George. 54568(6) You wake up to the soothing sound of flowing water... the day 54569 after you bought a waterbed. 54570(7) You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk 54571 clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party 54572 for your spouse. 54573% 54574You know you've been sitting in front of your Lisp machine too long 54575when you go out to the junk food machine and start wondering how to 54576make it give you the CADR of Item H so you can get that yummie 54577chocolate cupcake that's stuck behind the disgusting vanilla one. 54578% 54579You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi. 54580% 54581You learn to write as if to someone else 54582because NEXT YEAR YOU WILL BE "SOMEONE ELSE". 54583% 54584You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances. 54585% 54586You lived with a man who wore white belts? 54587Laura, I'm disappointed in you. 54588 -- Remington Steele 54589% 54590You look tired. 54591% 54592You love peace. 54593% 54594You love your home and want it to be beautiful. 54595% 54596You may already be a loser. 54597 -- Form letter received by Rodney Dangerfield. 54598% 54599You may be gone tomorrow, but that 54600doesn't mean that you weren't here today. 54601% 54602You may be infinitely smaller than some things, 54603but you're infinitely larger than others. 54604% 54605You may be recognized soon. Hide. 54606% 54607You may be right, I may be crazy, 54608But maybe it's a lunatic you're looking for? 54609 -- Billy Joel 54610% 54611You may carve it on his tombstone, you may cut it on his card 54612That a young man married is a young man marred. 54613 -- Rudyard Kipling, "The Story of the Gadsbys" 54614% 54615You may get an opportunity for advancement today. Watch it! 54616% 54617You may have heard that a dean is 54618to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog. 54619 -- Alfred Kahn 54620% 54621You may my glories and my state dispose, 54622But not my griefs; still am I king of those. 54623 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II" 54624% 54625You may not be able to judge a book by its cover, but 54626you sure as hell can tell how much it's going to cost. 54627% 54628You may worry about your hair-do today, but tomorrow much peanut butter will 54629be sold. 54630% 54631You mean you didn't *know* she was off 54632making lots of little phone companies? 54633% 54634You mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond the 54635obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and 54636an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you. 54637 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Norwood Builder" 54638% 54639You might have mail. 54640% 54641You must dine in our cafeteria. 54642You can eat dirt cheap there!!!! 54643% 54644You must include all income you receive in the form of money, property 54645and services if it is not specifically exempt. Report property (goods) 54646and services at their fair market values. Examples include income from 54647bartering or swapping transactions, side commissions, kickbacks, rent 54648paid in services, illegal activities (such as stealing, drugs, etc.), 54649cash skimming by proprietors and tradesmen, "moonlighting" services, 54650gambling, prizes and awards. Not reporting such income can lead to 54651prosecution for perjury and fraud. 54652 -- Excerpt from Taxachussettes income tax forms 54653% 54654You must know that a man can have only one invulnerable loyalty, loyalty 54655to his own concept of the obligations of manhood. All other loyalties 54656are merely deputies of that one. 54657 -- Nero Wolfe 54658% 54659You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable 54660proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do. 54661% 54662You need more time; and you probably always will. 54663% 54664You need no longer worry about the future. 54665This time tomorrow you'll be dead. 54666% 54667You need not worry about your future. 54668% 54669You never gain something but that you lose something. 54670 -- Thoreau 54671% 54672You never get a second chance to make a first impression. 54673% 54674You never go anywhere without your soul. 54675% 54676You never have to change anything you 54677got up in the middle of the night to write. 54678 -- Saul Bellow 54679% 54680You never have to figure out what to get for children, because they will 54681tell you exactly what they want. They spend months and months researching 54682these kinds of things by watching Saturday- morning cartoon-show 54683advertisements. Make sure you get your children exactly what they ask for, 54684even if you disapprove of their choices. If your child thinks he wants 54685Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You Can Rip Right Off, you'd better 54686get it. You may be worried that it might help to encourage your child's 54687antisocial tendencies, but believe me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies 54688until you've seen a child who is convinced that he or she did not get the 54689right gift. 54690 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 54691% 54692You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems. 54693% 54694You never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough. 54695 -- William Blake 54696% 54697You never learned anything by doing it right. 54698% 54699You never realize how many friends you 54700have until you rent a house at the beach. 54701% 54702You notice that after Ginzburg admitted he had tried marijuana everyone 54703got in line to admit it, too. But you also notice they all said they 54704"experimented" with marijuana. The didn't "use" it; they "experimented" 54705with it. Let me tell you something -- Jonas Salk "experiments"; these 54706guys were getting stoned! 54707 -- Johnny Carson 54708% 54709You now have Asian Flu. 54710% 54711You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat. 54712% 54713You plan things that you do not even 54714attempt because of your extreme caution. 54715% 54716You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained. 54717% 54718You prefer the company of the opposite 54719sex, but are well liked by your own. 54720% 54721You probably wouldn't worry about what people 54722think of you if you could know how seldom they do. 54723 -- Olin Miller 54724% 54725You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite. 54726% 54727You roll my log, and I will roll yours. 54728 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca 54729% 54730You say potatoe, 54731And I say potato. 54732You say tomatoe, 54733And I say tomato. 54734Potatoe, potato, 54735Tomatoe, tomato. 54736Let's go be the Vice President... 54737% 54738You scratch my tape, and I'll scratch yours. 54739% 54740You see, I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty 54741attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. A fool 54742takes in all the lumber of every sort he comes across, so that the knowledge 54743which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with 54744alot of other things, so that he has difficulty in laying his hands upon it. 54745Now the skillful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his 54746brain-attic. He will have nothing but the tools which may help him in doing 54747his work, but of these he has a large assortment, and all in the most perfect 54748order. It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and 54749can distend to any extent. Depend upon it there comes a time when for every 54750addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before. It is of 54751the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out 54752the useful ones. 54753 -- Sherlock Holmes 54754% 54755You see things; and you say "Why?" 54756But I dream things that never were; and I say "Why not?" 54757 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Back to Methuselah" 54758 [No, it wasn't J.F. Kennedy. Ed.] 54759% 54760You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull 54761his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you 54762understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send 54763signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that 54764there is no cat. 54765 -- Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio 54766% 54767You seek to shield those you love 54768and you like the role of the provider. 54769% 54770You shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed. 54771% 54772You shall judge of a man by his foes as well as by his friends. 54773 -- Joseph Conrad 54774% 54775You should avoid hedging, at least that's what I think. 54776% 54777You should go home. 54778% 54779You should make a point of trying every experience once -- except 54780incest and folk-dancing. 54781 -- A. Bax, "Farewell My Youth" 54782% 54783You should never bet against anything in science at 54784odds of more than about ten to the twelfth to one. 54785 -- E. Rutherford 54786% 54787You should never ride in an airplane with a sports team, 54788because if the plane goes down, it's you they're gonna eat! 54789 -- Gordon Downie, singer for Tragically Hip 54790% 54791You should never wear your best trousers 54792when you go out to fight for freedom and liberty. 54793 -- Henrik Ibsen 54794% 54795You shouldn't have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh. 54796 -- Pat Benatar, "Hell is for Children" 54797% 54798You shouldn't wallow in self-pity. But it's OK to put 54799your feet in it and swish them around a little. 54800 -- Guindon 54801% 54802You single-handedly fought your way into this hopeless mess. 54803% 54804You teach best what you most need to learn. 54805% 54806YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF PAPER SHUFFLING! 54807 54808Mr. Smith of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be 54809a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel really 54810important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best." 54811 54812Mr. Watkins had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward 54813to was a dead-end job as a engineer. Now I have a promising future and 54814make really big Zorkmids." 54815 54816MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when 54817you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter. 54818 54819 SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY! 54820% 54821You tread upon my patience. 54822 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" 54823% 54824You two ought to be more careful-- 54825your love could drag on for years and years. 54826% 54827You want to know why I kept getting promoted? 54828Because my mouth knows more than my brain. 54829 -- W.G. 54830% 54831You will always find something in the last place you look. 54832% 54833You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like. 54834% 54835You will always have good luck in your personal affairs. 54836% 54837You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home. 54838% 54839You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old. 54840% 54841You will be advanced socially, 54842without any special effort on your part. 54843% 54844You will be aided greatly by a person 54845whom you thought to be unimportant. 54846% 54847You will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service. 54848% 54849You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone. 54850% 54851You will be awarded some great honor. 54852% 54853You will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize... posthumously. 54854% 54855You will be called upon to help a friend in trouble. 54856% 54857You will be dead within a year. 54858% 54859You will be divorced within a year. 54860% 54861You will be given a post of trust and responsibility. 54862% 54863You will be held hostage by a radical group. 54864% 54865You will be honored for contributing 54866your time and skill to a worthy cause. 54867% 54868You will be imprisoned for contributing 54869your time and skill to a bank robbery. 54870% 54871You will be married within a year. 54872% 54873You will be married within a year, and divorced within two. 54874% 54875You will be misunderstood by everyone. 54876% 54877You will be recognized and honored as a community leader. 54878% 54879You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier. 54880% 54881You will be run over by a beer truck. 54882% 54883You will be run over by a bus. 54884% 54885You will be singled out for promotion in your work. 54886% 54887You will be successful in love. 54888% 54889You will be surprised by a loud noise. 54890% 54891You will be surrounded by luxury. 54892% 54893You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler. 54894% 54895You will be the victim of a bizarre joke. 54896% 54897You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself. 54898% 54899You will be traveling and coming into a fortune. 54900% 54901You will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery. 54902% 54903You will become rich and famous unless you don't. 54904% 54905You will contract a rare disease. 54906% 54907You will engage in a profitable business activity. 54908% 54909You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass. 54910% 54911You will feel hungry again in another hour. 54912% 54913You will find me drinking gin 54914In the lowest kind of inn, 54915Because I am a rigid Vegetarian. 54916 -- G.K. Chesterton 54917% 54918You will forget that you ever knew me. 54919% 54920You will gain money by a fattening action. 54921% 54922You will gain money by a speculation or lottery. 54923% 54924You will gain money by an illegal action. 54925% 54926You will gain money by an immoral action. 54927% 54928You will get what you deserve. 54929% 54930You will give someone a piece of your mind, which you can ill afford. 54931% 54932You will have a head crash on your private pack. 54933% 54934You will have a long and boring life. 54935% 54936You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your supervisor. 54937% 54938You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends. 54939% 54940You will have good luck and overcome many hardships. 54941% 54942You will have long and healthy life. 54943% 54944You will have many recoverable tape errors. 54945% 54946You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you. 54947% 54948You will inherit millions of dollars. 54949% 54950You will inherit some money or a small piece of land. 54951% 54952You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money. 54953% 54954You will live to see your grandchildren. 54955% 54956You will lose an important disk file. 54957% 54958You will lose an important tape file. 54959% 54960You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally. 54961% 54962You will never amount to much. 54963 -- Munich Schoolmaster, to Albert Einstein, age 10 54964% 54965You will never know hunger. 54966% 54967You will not be elected to public office this year. 54968% 54969You will obey or molten silver will be poured into your ears. 54970% 54971You will outgrow your usefulness. 54972% 54973You will overcome the attacks of jealous associates. 54974% 54975You will pass away very quickly. 54976% 54977You will pay for your sins. 54978If you have already paid, please disregard this message. 54979% 54980You will pioneer the first Martian colony. 54981% 54982You will probably marry after a very brief courtship. 54983% 54984You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession. 54985% 54986You will receive a legacy which will place you above want. 54987% 54988You will remember something that you should not have forgotten. 54989% 54990You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the Abernetty 54991family was first brought to my notice by the |depth which the parsley 54992had sunk into the butter upon a hot day. 54993 -- Sherlock Holmes 54994% 54995You will soon forget this. 54996% 54997You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life. 54998% 54999You will step on the night soil of many countries. 55000% 55001You will stop at nothing to reach your objective, 55002but only because your brakes are defective. 55003% 55004You will triumph over your enemy. 55005% 55006You will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon. 55007% 55008You will win success in whatever calling you adopt. 55009% 55010You will wish you hadn't. 55011% 55012You won't skid if you stay in a rut. 55013 -- Frank Hubbard 55014% 55015You work very hard. Don't try to think as well. 55016% 55017You worry too much about your job. 55018Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry. 55019% 55020"You would do well not to imagine profundity," he said. "Anything that seems 55021of momentous occasion should be dwelt upon as though it were of slight note. 55022Conversely, trivialities must be attended to with the greatest of care. 55023Because death is momentous, give it no thought; because victory is important, 55024give it no thought; because the method of achievement and discovery is less 55025momentous than the effect, dwell always upon the method. You will strengthen 55026yourself in this way." 55027 -- Jessica Salmonson, "The Swordswoman" 55028% 55029You would if you could but you can't so you won't. 55030% 55031You'd best be snoozin', 'cause you don't 55032be gettin' no work done at 5 a.m. anyway. 55033 -- From the wall of the Wurster Hall stairwell 55034% 55035You'd better smile when they watch you, smile like you're in control. 55036 -- Smile, "Was (Not Was)" 55037% 55038You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow. 55039% 55040You'll always be, 55041What you always were, 55042Which has nothing to do with, 55043All to do, with her. 55044 -- Company 55045% 55046You'll be called to a post requiring 55047ability in handling groups of people. 55048% 55049You'll be sorry... 55050% 55051You'll feel devilish tonight. 55052Toss dynamite caps under a flamenco dancer's heel. 55053% 55054You'll feel much better once you've given up hope. 55055% 55056You'll never be the man your mother was! 55057% 55058You'll never see all the places, or read all the 55059books, but fortunately, they're not all recommended. 55060% 55061You'll wish that you had done some of the 55062hard things when they were easier to do. 55063% 55064Young men are fitter to invent than to judge; fitter for execution than for 55065counsel; and fitter for new projects than for settled business. For the 55066experience of age, in things that fall within the compass of it, directeth 55067them; but in new things, abuseth them. The errors of young men are the ruin 55068of business; but the errors of aged men amount but to this, that more might 55069have been done, or sooner. Young men, in the conduct and management of 55070actions, embrace more than they can hold; stir more than they can quiet; fly 55071to the end, without consideration of the means and degrees; pursue some few 55072principles which they have chanced upon absurdly; care not how they innovate, 55073which draws unknown inconveniences; and, that which doubleth all errors, will 55074not acknowledge or retract them; like an unready horse, that will neither stop 55075nor turn. Men of age object too much, consult too long, adventure too little, 55076repent too soon, and seldom drive business home to the full period, but 55077content themselves with a mediocrity of success. Certainly, it is good to 55078compound employments of both ... because the virtues of either age may correct 55079the defects of both. 55080 -- Francis Bacon, "Essay on Youth and Age" 55081% 55082Young men, hear an old man to whom 55083old men hearkened when he was young. 55084 -- Augustus Caesar 55085% 55086Young men think old men are fools; 55087but old men know young men are fools. 55088 -- George Chapman 55089% 55090Your aim is high and to the right. 55091% 55092Your aims are high, and you are capable of much. 55093% 55094Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. 55095Don't believe a thing he tells you. 55096% 55097Your best consolation is the hope that the things 55098you failed to get weren't really worth having. 55099% 55100Your boss climbed the corporate ladder, wrong by wrong. 55101% 55102Your boss is a few sandwiches short of a picnic. 55103% 55104Your boyfriend takes chocolate from strangers. 55105% 55106Your business will assume vast proportions. 55107% 55108Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion. 55109% 55110Your code should be more efficient! 55111% 55112Your computer account is overdrawn. Please reauthorize. 55113% 55114Your computer account is overdrawn. Please see Big Brother. 55115% 55116Your Co-worker Could Be a Space Alien, Say Experts 55117 ...Here's How You Can Tell 55118Many Americans work side by side with space aliens who look human -- but you 55119can spot these visitors by looking for certain tip-offs, say experts. They 55120listed 10 signs to watch for: 55121 #3. Bizarre sense of humor. Space aliens who don't understand 55122 earthly humor may laugh during a company training film or tell 55123 jokes that no one understands, said Steiger. 55124 #6. Misuses everyday items. "A space alien may use correction 55125 fluid to paint its nails," said Steiger. 55126 #8. Secretive about personal life-style and home. "An alien won't 55127 discuss details or talk about what it does at night or on weekends." 55128 #10. Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near certain 55129 high-tech hardware. "An alien may experience a mood change when 55130 a microwave oven is turned on," said Steiger. 55131The experts pointed out that a co-worker would have to display most if not 55132all of these traits before you can positively identify him as a space alien. 55133 -- National Enquirer, Michael Cassels, August, 1984. 55134 55135 [I thought everybody laughed at company training films. Ed.] 55136% 55137Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways. 55138% 55139Your digestive system is your body's Fun House, whereby food goes on a long, 55140dark, scary ride, taking all kinds of unexpected twists and turns, being 55141attacked by vicious secretions along the way, and not knowing until the last 55142minute whether it will be turned into a useful body part or ejected into the 55143Dark Hole by Mister Sphincter. We Americans live in a nation where the 55144medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 5514525 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in 55146seconds if we felt like it. 55147 -- Dave Barry, "Stay Fit & Healthy Until You're Dead" 55148% 55149Your domestic life may be harmonious. 55150% 55151Your education begins where what is called your education is over. 55152% 55153Your fault - core dumped 55154% 55155Your files are now being encrypted and thrown into the bit bucket. 55156EOF 55157% 55158Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now). 55159% 55160YOUR FOAMY FUTURE 55161 by Miss Fortune 55162 55163AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) 55164 You have nothing better to think about than what to wear and what 55165type of champagne to take to the neighbors Halloween Party. Just take beer! 55166Don't try to copy the "Joneses", pull them up to your level and remember, in 55167California Halloween is redundant anyhow. 55168 55169PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20) 55170 Focus on strengthening friendships this Fall. You find others are 55171fascinated by your intelligence, your wit, your drinking ability, and your 55172bank account. Just make sure you realize it's far more impressive when 55173other discover your good qualities without your help. 55174% 55175YOUR FOAMY FUTURE 55176 by Miss Fortune 55177 55178ARIES (March 21 - April 19) 55179 Matters are not good, where you health is concerned. This Fall, be 55180sure to "walk groundly, talk profoundly, drink roundly, and sleep soundly" 55181and you will live all the days of your life. 55182 55183TAURUS (April 20 - May 20) 55184 You spent a fortune on beer this past summer and now find yourself 55185in a deep depression because you can't afford even one of your favorite 55186brewskis. Don't fret too much, Taurus. To get back on your feet simply 55187miss two car payments. 55188 55189GEMINI (May 21 - June 21) 55190 You think you're falling in love with a person who has a lot in 55191common with yourself. You both prefer ales, you've both tried your hand 55192at homebrewing, and you both want to visit every new brewpub that opens. 55193Sounds impressive but remember you really don't know your partner until 55194you meet in court. 55195% 55196YOUR FOAMY FUTURE 55197 by Miss Fortune 55198 55199CANCER (Jun 22 - July 22) 55200 You've been awarded a clean bill of health this month and you feel 55201you owe it all to the excessive amount of Vitamin B, Iron, and Malt you get 55202in your beer. Being healthy is admirable but don't you think you're going 55203to feel stupid one day lying in a hospital dying of nothing? 55204 55205LEO (July 23 - August 22) 55206 You will soon acquire a large sum of money and will be in seventh 55207heaven as you head to the nearest Liquor Barn and buy all the beer they have 55208in stock. Whoever said money couldn't buy happiness didn't know where to 55209shop. 55210 55211VIRGO (August 23 - September 22) 55212 Your late night, beer drinking, "life in the fast lane" parties are 55213affecting your job production the next morning. You feel a nine to five job 55214is not for a "party animal" such as yourself and may feel the need for a 55215career change. Just remember, people who work sitting down get paid more 55216than people who work standing up. 55217% 55218Your friends will know you better in the first minute you 55219meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years. 55220 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions" 55221% 55222Your goose is cooked. 55223(Your current chick is burned up too!) 55224% 55225Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life. 55226% 55227Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout. 55228% 55229Your ignorance cramps my conversation. 55230% 55231Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret. 55232% 55233Your love life will be happy and harmonious. 55234% 55235Your love life will be... interesting. 55236% 55237Your lover will never wish to leave you. 55238% 55239Your lucky color has faded. 55240% 55241Your lucky number has been disconnected. 55242% 55243Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. 55244Watch for it everywhere. 55245% 55246Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not 55247original and the part that is original is not good. 55248 -- Samuel Johnson 55249% 55250Your mind is the part of you that says, 55251 "Why'n'tcha eat that piece of cake?" 55252... and then, twenty minutes later, says, 55253 "Y'know, if I were you, I wouldn't have done that!" 55254 -- Steven and Ondrea Levine 55255% 55256Your mind understands what you have been 55257taught; your heart, what is true. 55258% 55259Your mode of life will be changed for 55260the better because of good news soon. 55261% 55262Your mode of life will be changed for 55263the better because of new developments. 55264% 55265Your mode of life will be changed to ASCII. 55266% 55267Your mode of life will be changed to EBCDIC. 55268% 55269Your mothers ghost stands at your shoulder 55270Face like ice, a little bit colder 55271She says "You can't do that it breaks all the rules 55272You learned in school" 55273But I don't really see 55274Why can't we go on as three? 55275 -- David Crosby, "Triad" 55276% 55277Your motives for doing whatever good deed you 55278may have in mind will be misinterpreted by somebody. 55279% 55280Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it. 55281% 55282Your object is to save the world, 55283while still leading a pleasant life. 55284% 55285Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself. Being 55286true to anyone else or anything else is not only impossible, but the 55287mark of a fake messiah. The simplest questions are the most profound. 55288Where were you born? Where is your home? Where are you going? What 55289are you doing? Think about these once in awhile and watch your answers 55290change. 55291 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul 55292% 55293Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world. 55294% 55295Your password is pitifully obvious. 55296% 55297Your picture of the world often changes just before you get it into focus. 55298% 55299Your present plans will be successful. 55300% 55301Your program is sick! Shoot it and put it out of its memory. 55302% 55303Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner. 55304% 55305Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine. You 55306need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or major motion 55307picture star. If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use 55308the word "collectible" as a noun, you can consider yourself an unqualified 55309success. 55310 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 55311% 55312Your sister swims out to meet troop ships. 55313% 55314Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinement. 55315% 55316Your step will soil many countries. 55317% 55318Your supervisor is thinking about you. 55319% 55320Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded. 55321% 55322Your temporary financial embarrassment will 55323be relieved in a surprising manner. 55324% 55325Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with. 55326% 55327Your wig steers the gig. 55328 -- Lord Buckley 55329% 55330Your wise men don't know how it feels 55331To be thick as a brick. 55332 -- Jethro Tull, "Thick As A Brick" 55333% 55334Your worship is your furnaces 55335which, like old idols, lost obscenes, 55336have molten bowels; your vision is 55337machines for making more machines. 55338 -- Gordon Bottomley, 1874 55339% 55340You're a card which will have to be dealt with. 55341% 55342You're a good example of why some animals eat their young. 55343 -- Jim Samuels to a heckler 55344 55345Ah, yes. I remember my first beer. 55346 -- Steve Martin to a heckler 55347 55348When your IQ rises to 28, sell. 55349 -- Professor Irwin Corey to a heckler 55350% 55351You're all clear now, kid. 55352Now blow this thing so we can all go home. 55353 -- Han Solo 55354% 55355You're almost as happy as you think you are. 55356% 55357You're already carrying the sphere! 55358% 55359You're always thinking you're gonna be 55360the one that makes 'em act different. 55361 -- Woody Allen, "Manhattan" 55362% 55363You're at the end of the road again. 55364% 55365You're at Witt's End. 55366% 55367You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days. 55368% 55369You're currently going through a difficult transition period called "Life." 55370% 55371You're definitely on their list. 55372The question to ask next is what list it is. 55373% 55374You're either part of the solution or part of the problem. 55375 -- Eldridge Cleaver 55376% 55377You're growing out of some of your problems, 55378but there are others that you're growing into. 55379% 55380"You're just the sort of person I imagined marrying, when I was little... 55381except, y'know, not green... and without all the patches of fungus." 55382 -- Swamp Thing 55383% 55384You're never too old to become younger. 55385 -- Mae West 55386% 55387You're not Dave. Who are you? 55388% 55389You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. 55390 -- Dean Martin 55391% 55392You're reasoning is excellent -- it's 55393only your basic assumptions that are wrong. 55394% 55395You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny. 55396% 55397You're using a keyboard! How quaint! 55398% 55399You're working under a slight handicap. 55400You happen to be human. 55401% 55402Yours is not to reason why, 55403Just to Sail Away. 55404And when you find you have to throw 55405Your Legacy away; 55406Remember life as was it is, 55407And is as it were; 55408Chasing sounds across the galaxy 55409'Till silence is but a blur. 55410 -- QYX. 55411% 55412Youth. It's a wonder that anyone ever outgrows it. 55413% 55414Youth -- not a time of life but a state of mind... a predominance of 55415courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over the love of ease. 55416 -- Robert F. Kennedy 55417% 55418Youth had been a habit of hers so long that she could not part with it. 55419% 55420Youth is a blunder, manhood a struggle, old age a regret. 55421 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Coningsby" 55422% 55423Youth is a disease from which we all recover. 55424 -- Dorothy Fuldheim 55425% 55426Youth is such a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children. 55427 -- George Bernard Shaw 55428% 55429Youth is the trustee of posterity. 55430% 55431Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is 55432when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation. 55433% 55434You've always made the mistake of being yourself. 55435 -- Eugene Ionesco 55436% 55437You've been Berkeley'ed! 55438% 55439You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture. 55440% 55441You've been telling me to relax all the way here, 55442and now you're telling me just to be myself? 55443 -- The Return of the Secaucus Seven 55444% 55445You've got to pity New Mexico... so far from heaven and so close to Texas. 55446% 55447"Yow! Am I having fun yet?" 55448 -- Zippy the Pinhead 55449% 55450"Yow! Am I in Milwaukee?" 55451 -- Zippy the Pinhead 55452% 55453"Yow! And then we could sit on the hoods of cars at stop lights!" 55454 -- Zippy the Pinhead 55455% 55456"Yow! Did something bad happen or am I in a drive-in movie?" 55457 -- Zippy the Pinhead 55458% 55459"Yow! Is this sexual intercourse yet? Is it, huh, is it?" 55460 -- Zippy the Pinhead 55461% 55462"Yow!! Those people look exactly like Donnie and Marie Osmond!!" 55463 -- Zippy the Pinhead 55464% 55465"Yow! Now I get to think about all the BAD THINGS I did 55466to a BOWLING BALL when I was in JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL!" 55467 -- Zippy the Pinhead 55468% 55469YO-YO: 55470 Something that is occasionally up but normally down. 55471 (see also Computer). 55472% 55473Zall's Laws: 55474 1: Any time you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing you do 55475 will be wrong. 55476 2: How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom 55477 door you're on. 55478% 55479zeal, n: 55480 Quality seen in new graduates -- if you're quick. 55481% 55482ZERO DEFECTS: 55483 The result of shutting down a production line. 55484% 55485Zero Mostel: That's it baby! When you got it, flaunt it! Flaunt it! 55486 -- Mel Brooks, "The Producers" 55487% 55488Zeus gave Leda the bird. 55489% 55490Zisla's Law: 55491 If you're asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants. 55492% 55493Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words 55494since I first called my brother's father dad. 55495 -- William Shakespeare, "Kind John" 55496% 55497Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor: 55498 People are always available for work in the past tense. 55499% 55500