1======================================================================= 2|| || 3|| The FORTUNE-COOKIE program is soon to be a Major Motion Picture! || 4|| Watch for it at a theater near you next summer! || 5|| || 6======================================================================= 7 Francis Ford Coppola presents a George Lucas Production: 8 "Fortune Cookie" 9 Directed by Steven Spielberg. 10 Starring Harrison Ford Bette Midler Marlon Brando 11 Christopher Reeves Marilyn Chambers 12 and Bob Hope as "The Waiter". 13 Costumes Designed by Pierre Cardin. 14 Special Effects by Timothy Leary. 15 Read the Warner paperback! 16 Invoke the Unix program! 17 Soundtrack on XTC Records. 18 In 70mm and Dolby Stereo at selected theaters and terminal 19 centers. 20% 21 PLAYGIRL, Inc. 22 Philadelphia, Pa. 19369 23Dear Sir: 24 Your name has been submitted to us with your photo. I regret to 25inform you that we will be unable to use your body in our centerfold. On 26a scale of one to ten, your body was rated a minus two by a panel of women 27ranging in age from 60 to 75 years. We tried to assemble a panel in the 28age bracket of 25 to 35 years, but we could not get them to stop laughing 29long enough to reach a decision. Should the taste of the American woman 30ever change so drastically that bodies such as yours would be appropriate 31in our magazine, you will be notified by this office. Please, don't call 32us. 33 Sympathetically, 34 Amanda L. Smith 35 36p.s. We also want to commend you for your unusual pose. Were you 37 wounded in the war, or do you ride your bike a lot? 38% 39 _-^--^=-_ 40 _.-^^ -~_ 41 _-- --_ 42 < >) 43 | | 44 \._ _./ 45 ```--. . , ; .--''' 46 | | | 47 .-=|| | |=-. 48 `-=#$%&%$#=-' 49 | ; :| 50 _____.,-#%&$@%#&#~,._____ 51% 52 FROM THE DESK OF 53 Dorothy Gale 54 55 Auntie Em: 56 Hate you. 57 Hate Kansas. 58 Taking the dog. 59 Dorothy 60% 61 FROM THE DESK OF 62 Rapunzel 63 64Dear Prince: 65 66 Use ladder tonight -- 67 you're splitting my ends. 68% 69 SEMINAR ANNOUNCEMENT 70 71Title: Are Frogs Turing Compatible? 72Speaker: Don "The Lion" Knuth 73 74 ABSTRACT 75 Several researchers at the University of Louisiana have been studying 76the computing power of various amphibians, frogs in particular. The problem 77of frog computability has become a critical issue that ranges across all areas 78of computer science. It has been shown that anything computable by an amphi- 79bian community in a fixed-size pond is computable by a frog in the same-size 80pond -- that is to say, frogs are Pond-space complete. We will show that 81there is a log-space, polywog-time reduction from any Turing machine program 82to a frog. We will suggest these represent a proper subset of frog-computable 83functions. 84 This is not just a let's-see-how-far-those-frogs-can-jump seminar. 85This is only for hardcore amphibian-computation people and their colleagues. 86 Refreshments will be served. Music will be played. 87% 88 UNIX Trix 89 90For those of you in the reseller business, here is a helpful tip that will 91save your support staff a few hours of precious time. Before you send your 92next machine out to an untrained client, change the permissions on /etc/passwd 93to 666 and make sure there is a copy somewhere on the disk. Now when they 94forget the root password, you can easily login as an ordinary user and correct 95the damage. Having a bootable tape (for larger machines) is not a bad idea 96either. If you need some help, give us a call. 97 98 -- CommUNIXque 1:1, ASCAR Business Systems 99% 100 ___====-_ _-====___ 101 _--~~~#####// ' ` \\#####~~~--_ 102 -~##########// ( ) \\##########~-_ 103 -############// |\^^/| \\############- 104 _~############// (O||O) \\############~_ 105 ~#############(( \\// ))#############~ 106 -###############\\ (oo) //###############- 107 -#################\\ / `' \ //#################- 108 -###################\\/ () \//###################- 109 _#/|##########/\######( (()) )######/\##########|\#_ 110 |/ |#/\#/\#/\/ \#/\##| \()/ |##/\#/ \/\#/\#/\#| \| 111 ` |/ V V ` V )|| |()| ||( V ' V /\ \| ' 112 ` ` ` ` / | |()| | \ ' '<||> ' 113 ( | |()| | )\ /|/ 114 __\ |__|()|__| /__\______/|/ 115 (vvv(vvvv)(vvvv)vvv)______|/ 116% 117 DELETE A FORTUNE! 118Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?! 119Wouldn't you like to see some of them deleted from the system? 120You can! Just mail to `fortune' with the fortune you hate most, 121and we'll make sure it gets expunged. 122% 123 It's grad exam time... 124COMPUTER SCIENCE 125 Inside your desk you'll find a listing of the DEC/VMS operating 126system in IBM 1710 machine code. Show what changes are necessary to convert 127this code into a UNIX Berkeley 7 operating system. Prove that these fixes are 128bug free and run correctly. You should gain at least 150% efficiency in the 129new system. (You should take no more than 10 minutes on this question.) 130 131MATHEMATICS 132 If X equals PI times R^2, construct a formula showing how long 133it would take a fire ant to drill a hole through a dill pickle, if the 134length-girth ratio of the ant to the pickle were 98.17:1. 135 136GENERAL KNOWLEDGE 137Describe the Universe. Give three examples. 138% 139 It's grad exam time... 140MEDICINE 141 You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a 142bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has 143been inspected. (You have 15 minutes.) 144 145HISTORY 146 Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present 147day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, 148economic, religious and philisophical impact upon Europe, Asia, America, and 149Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific. 150 151BIOLOGY 152 Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture 153if this form of life had been created 500 million years ago or earlier, with 154special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system. 155% 156 Pittsburgh driver's test 15710: Potholes are 158 a) extremely dangerous. 159 b) patriotic. 160 c) the fault of the previous administration. 161 d) all going to be fixed next summer. 162The correct answer is b. 163Potholes destroy unpatriotic, unamerican, imported cars, since the holes 164are larger than the cars. If you drive a big, patriotic, American car 165you have nothing to worry about. 166% 167 Pittsburgh driver's test 1682: A traffic light at an intersection changes from yellow to red, you should 169 a) stop immediately. 170 b) proceed slowly through the intersection. 171 c) blow the horn. 172 d) floor it. 173The correct answer is d. 174If you said c, you were almost right, so give yourself a half point. 175% 176 Pittsburgh driver's test 1773: When stopped at an intersection you should 178 a) watch the traffic light for your lane. 179 b) watch for pedestrians crossing the street. 180 c) blow the horn. 181 d) watch the traffic light for the intersecting street. 182The correct answer is d. 183You need to start as soon as the traffic light for the intersecting 184street turns yellow. 185Answer c is worth a half point. 186% 187 Pittsburgh driver's test 1884: Exhaust gas is 189 a) beneficial. 190 b) not harmful. 191 c) toxic. 192 d) a punk band. 193The correct answer is b. 194The meddling Washington eco-freak communist bureaucrats who say otherwise 195are liars. (Message to those who answered d. Go back to California where 196you came from. Your kind are not welcome here.) 197% 198 Pittsburgh driver's test 1995: Your car's horn is a vital piece of safety equipment. 200 How often should you test it? 201 a) once a year. 202 b) once a month. 203 c) once a day. 204 d) once an hour. 205The correct answer is d. 206You should test your car's horn at least once every hour, 207and more often at night or in residential neighborhoods. 208% 209 Pittsburgh driver's test 2107: The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light 211 but a steady left tail light. 212 a) One of the tail lights is broken. You should blow your 213 horn to call the problem to the driver's attention. 214 b) The driver is signaling a right turn. 215 c) The driver is signaling a left turn. 216 d) The driver is from out of town. 217The correct answer is d. 218Tail lights are used in some foreign countries to signal turns. 219% 220 Pittsburgh driver's test 2218: Pedestrians are 222 a) irrelevant. 223 b) communists. 224 c) a nuisance. 225 d) difficult to clean off the front grille. 226The correct answer is a. Pedestrians are not in cars, so they 227are totally irrelevant to driving, and you should ignore them 228completely. 229% 230 Pittsburgh driver's test 2319: Roads are salted in order to 232 a) kill grass. 233 b) melt snow. 234 c) help the economy. 235 d) prevent potholes. 236The correct answer is c. 237Road salting employs thousands of persons directly, and millions more 238indirectly, for example, salt miners and rustproofers. Most important, 239salting reduces the life spans of cars, thus stimulating the car and 240steel industries. 241% 242 243 ( /\__________/\ ) 244 \(^ @___..___@ ^)/ 245 /\ (\/\/\/\/) /\ 246 / \(/\/\/\/\)/ \ 247 -( """""""""" ) 248 \ _____ / 249 ( /( )\ ) 250 _) (_V) (V_) (_ 251 (V)(V)(V) (V)(V)(V) 252 253% 254 ___====-_ _-====___ 255 _--~~~#####// \\#####~~~--_ 256 _-~##########// ( ) \\##########~-_ 257 -############// :\^^/: \\############- 258 _~############// (@::@) \\############~_ 259 ~#############(( \\// ))#############~ 260 -###############\\ (^^) //###############- 261 -#################\\ / "" \ //#################- 262 -###################\\/ \//###################- 263 _#/:##########/\######( /\ )######/\##########:\#_ 264 :/ :#/\#/\#/\/ \#/\##\ : : /##/\#/ \/\#/\#/\#: \: 265 " :/ V V " V \#\: : : :/#/ V " V V \: " 266 " " " " \ : : : : / " " " " 267% 268 Has your family tried 'em? 269 270 POWDERMILK BISCUITS 271 272 Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious! 273 274 They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons 275 the strength to get up and do what needs to be done. 276 277 POWDERMILK BISCUITS 278 279 Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of 280 the biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark 281 stains that indicate freshness. 282% 283 Answers to Last Fortunes' Questions: 2841) None. (Moses didn't have an ark). 2852) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle. 2863) You don't know. Neither does your boss. 2874) Who cares? 2885) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk, Montana, 289 submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5. Unfortunately, I lost it. 2906) I know the answer to this one, but I'm not telling! Suffer! Ha-ha-ha!! 2917) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 10,953 of my 292 book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and bathroom 293 supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of Papyrus Books). 294% 295 Hard Copies and Chmod 296 297And everyone thinks computers are impersonal 298cold diskdrives hardware monitors 299user-hostile software 300 301of course they're only bits and bytes 302and characters and strings 303and files 304 305just some old textfiles from my old boyfriend 306telling me he loves me and 307he'll take care of me 308 309simply a discarded printout of a friend's directory 310deep intimate secrets and 311how he doesn't trust me 312 313couldn't hurt me more if they were scented in lavender or mould 314on personal stationery 315 -- terri@csd4.milw.wisc.edu 316% 317 `O' LEVEL COUNTER CULTURE 318Timewarp allowed: 3 hours. Do not scrawl situationalist graffiti in the 319margins or stub your rollups in the inkwells. Orange may be worn. Credit 320will be given to candidates who self-actualise. 321 322 1: Compare and contrast Pink Floyd with Black Sabbath and say why 323neither has street credibility. 324 2: "Even Buddha would have been hard pushed to reach Nirvana squatting 325on a juggernaut route." Consider the dialectic of inner truth and inner 326city. 327 3: Discuss degree of hassle involved in paranoia about being sucked 328into a black hole. 329 4: "The Egomaniac's Liberation Front were a bunch of revisionist 330ripoff merchants." Comment on this insult. 331 5: Account for the lack of references to brown rice in Dylan's lyrics. 332 6: "Castenada was a bit of a bozo." How far is this a fair summing 333up of western dualism? 334 7: Hermann Hesse was a Pisces. Discuss. 335% 336 OUTCONERR 337Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes 338 Did logzerneg the ifthen block 339All kludgy were the function flows 340 And subroutines adhoc. 341 342Beware the runtime-bug my friend 343 squrooneg, the false goto 344Beware the infiniteloop 345 And shun the inprectoo. 346% 347 Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence 3481. Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a 349 nuclear bomb, use the stairs. 3502. When you're flying through the air, remember to roll 351 when you hit the ground. 3523. If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials. 3534. Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead 354 to psychological problems. 3555. Food will be scarce, you will have to scavenge. Learn to recognize 356 foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes, 357 shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc. 3586. Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze, internal organs 359 will be scarce in the post-nuclear age. 3607. Try to be neat, fall only in designated piles. 3618. Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas, people could be 362 staggering illegally. 3639. Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to one's, but more 364 sanitary due to limited circulation. 36510. Accumulate mannequins now, spare parts will be in short 366 supply on D-Day. 367% 368 The Guy on the Right Doesn't Stand a Chance 369The guy on the right has the Osborne 1, a fully functional computer system 370in a portable package the size of a briefcase. The guy on the left has an 371Uzi submachine gun concealed in his attache case. Also in the case are four 372fully loaded, 32-round clips of 125-grain 9mm ammunition. The owner of the 373Uzi is going to get more tactical firepower delivered -- and delivered on 374target -- in less time, and with less effort. All for $795. It's inevitable. 375If you're going up against some guy with an Osborne 1 -- or any personal 376computer -- he's the one who's in trouble. One round from an Uzi can zip 377through ten inches of solid pine wood, so you can imagine what it will do 378to structural foam acrylic and sheet aluminum. In fact, detachable magazines 379for the Uzi are available in 25-, 32-, and 40-round capacities, so you can 380take out an entire office full of Apple II or IBM Personal Computers tied 381into Ethernet or other local-area networks. What about the new 16-bit 382computers, like the Lisa and Fortune? Even with the Winchester backup, 383they're no match for the Uzi. One quick burst and they'll find out what 384Unix means. Make your commanding officer proud. Get an Uzi -- and come home 385a winner in the fight for office automatic weapons. 386 -- "InfoWorld", June, 1984 387% 388 The Split-Atom Blues 389Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine, 390 Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline... 391But if you split those atoms fine, 392 Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine! 393Gimme zits, take my dough, 394 Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll... 395Call the devil and sell my soul, 396 But Mama keep dem atoms whole! 397 -- Milo Bloom 398% 399 THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM 400 401If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your contribution 402of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue without your support. 403Less than 14% of all fortune users are contributors. That means that 86% of 404you are getting a free ride. We can't go on like this much longer. Federal 405cutbacks mean less money for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase 406to make up the difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between 407midnight and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to 408`fortune'. Just type in your favorite pithy fortune. Do it now before you 409forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week. Don't miss 410out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute 30 fortunes or 411more, you will receive a free subscription to "The Fortune Hunter", our monthly 412program guide. If you contribute 50 or more, you will receive a free "Fortune 413Hunter" coffee mug! 414% 415 What I Did During My Fall Semester 416On the first day of my fall semester, I got up. 417Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic. 418Then I hung out in front of the Dover. 419 420On the second day of my fall semester, I got up. 421Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic. 422Then I hung out in front of the Dover. 423 424On the third day of my fall semester, I got up. 425Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic. 426I found a thesis topic: 427 How to keep people from hanging out in front of the Dover. 428 -- Sister Mary Elephant, 429 "Student Statement for Black Friday" 430% 431 1/3 432 /\(3) 433 | 2 1/3 434 | z dz cos(3 * PI / 9) = ln (e ) 435 | 436 \/ 1 437 438The integral of z squared, dz 439From 1 to the cube root of 3 440 Times the cosine 441 Of 3 PI over nine 442Is the log of the cube root of e 443% 444 THE DAILY PLANET 445 446 SUPERMAN SAVES DESSERT! 447 Plans to "Eat it later" 448% 449 *** A NEW KIND OF PROGRAMMING *** 450 451Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical 452terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into 453the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers' 454School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming. 455They say a good programmer can write 20 lines of effective program per day. 456With our unique training course, we'll show you how to write 20 lines of code 457and lots more besides. Our training course covers every programming language 458in existence, and some that aren't. You'll learn why the on/off switch for a 459computer is so important, what the words *fatal error* mean, and who and what 460you should blame when you make a mistake. 461 462 Yes, I want the brochure describing this incredible offer. 463 I enclose $1000 is small unmarked bills to cover the cost of 464 postage and handling. (No live poultry, please.) 465 466*** Our Slogan: Top down programming for the masses. *** 467% 468 *** DO YOU HAVE A RESTLESS URGE TO PROGRAM? *** 469Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical 470terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into 471the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers' 472School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming. 473 474 *** IS PROGRAMMING FOR YOU? *** 475Programming is not for everyone. But, if you have the desire to learn, we can 476help you get started. All you need is the Famous Programmers' Course and 477enough money to keep those lessons coming month after month. 478 479 *** TAKE OUR FREE APTITUDE TEST *** 480To help determine if you are qualified to be a programmer, take a moment to 481try this simple test: 482 1: Write down the numbers from zero to nine and the first six letters 483 of the alphabet (Hint: 0123456789ABCDEF). 484 2: Whose picture is on the back of a twenty-dollar bill? 485 3: What is the state capital of Idaho? 486If you managed to read all three questions without wondering why we asked 487them, you may have a future as a computer programmer. 488% 489 *** STUDENT SUCCESSES *** 490 491Many of our students have gone on to achieve great success in all fields of 492programming. One former student developed the concept of the personalized 493form letter. Does the phrase, "Dear Mr.(insert name), You may already be a 494winner!," sound familiar? Another student writes "After only five lessons I 495sold a "My Most Unforgettable Program" article to Corrosive Computing magazine. 496Another of our graduates writes, "I recently completed a database-management 497program for my department manager. My program touched him so deeply that he 498was speechless. He told me later that he had never seen such a program in 499his entire career. Thank you, Famous Programmers' school; only you could 500have made this possible." Send for our introductory brochure which explains 501in vague detail the operation of the Famous Programmers' School, and you'll 502be eligible to win a possible chance to enter a drawing, the winner of which 503can vie for a set of free steak knives. If you don't do it now, you'll hate 504yourself in the morning. 505% 506 ... This striving for excellence extends into people's 507personal lives as well. When '80s people buy something, they buy the 508best one, as determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability. 509Eighties people buy imported dental floss. They buy gourmet baking 510soda. If an '80s couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a 511reservation three weeks in advance, and they are informed that their 512table is available, they stalk out immediately, because they know it is 513not an excellent restaurant. If it were, it would have an enormous 514crowd of excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their 515beepers going off like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant 516wouldn't have a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of 517Liza Minnelli. 518 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 519% 520 ... with liberty and justice for all who can afford it. 521% 522 12 + 144 + 20 + 3(4) 2 523 ---------------------- + 5(11) = 9 + 0 524 7 525 526A dozen, a gross and a score, 527Plus three times the square root of four, 528 Divided by seven, 529 Plus five times eleven, 530Equals nine squared plus zero, no more! 531% 532 7,140 pounds on the Sun 533 97 pounds on Mercury or Mars 534 255 pounds on Earth 535 232 pounds on Venus or Uranus 536 43 pounds on the Moon 537 648 pounds on Jupiter 538 275 pounds on Saturn 539 303 pounds on Neptune 540 13 pounds on Pluto 541 542 -- How much Elvis Presley would weigh at various places 543 in the solar system. 544% 545 A boy scout troop went on a hike. Crossing over a stream, one of 546the boys dropped his wallet into the water. Suddenly a carp jumped, grabbed 547the wallet and tossed it to another carp. Then that carp passed it to 548another carp, and all over the river carp appeared and tossed the wallet back 549and forth. 550 "Well, boys," said the Scout leader, "you've just seen a rare case 551of carp-to-carp walleting." 552% 553 A carpet installer decides to take a cigarette break after completing 554the installation in the first of several rooms he has to do. Finding them 555missing from his pocket he begins searching, only to notice a small lump in 556his recently completed carpet-installation. Not wanting to pull up all that 557work for a lousy pack of cigarettes he simply walks over and pounds the lump 558flat. Foregoing the break, he continues on to the other rooms to be carpeted. 559 At the end of the day, while loading his tools into his truck, two 560events occur almost simultaneously: he spies his pack of cigarettes on the 561dashboard of the truck, and the lady of the house summons him imperiously: 562"Have you seen my parakeet?" 563% 564 A circus foreman was making the rounds inspecting the big top when 565a scrawny little man entered the tent and walked up to him. "Are you the 566foreman around here?" he asked timidly. "I'd like to join your circus; I 567have what I think is a pretty good act." 568 The foreman nodded assent, whereupon the little man hurried over to 569the main pole and rapidly climbed up to the very tip-top of the big top. 570Drawing a deep breath, he hurled himself off into the air and began flapping 571his arms furiously. Amazingly, rather than plummeting to his death the little 572man began to fly all around the poles, lines, trapezes and other obstacles, 573performing astounding feats of aerobatics which ended in a long power dive 574from the top of the tent, pulling up into a gentle feet-first landing beside 575the foreman, who had been nonchalantly watching the whole time. 576 "Well," puffed the little man. "What do you think?" 577 "That's all you do?" answered the foreman scornfully. "Bird 578imitations?" 579% 580 A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was eating 581his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality test", said 582the outsider, "because I want you to be happy." 583 Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into the 584toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too". 585% 586 A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about 587whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they 588got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The 589medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's 590rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat." 591 The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden 592itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that the Garden 593and the world were created. So God must have been an architect." 594 The computer scientist, who'd listened carefully to all of this, then 595commented, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?" 596% 597 A farmer decides that his three sows should be bred, and contacts a 598buddy down the road, who owns several boars. They agree on a stud fee, and 599the farmer puts the sows in his pickup and takes them down the road to the 600boars. He leaves them all day, and when he picks them up that night, asks 601the man how he can tell if it "took" or not. The breeder replies that if, 602the next morning, the sows were grazing on grass, they were pregnant, but if 603they were rolling in the mud as usual, they probably weren't. 604 Comes the morn, the sows are rolling in the mud as usual, so the 605farmer puts them in the truck and brings them back for a second full day of 606frolic. This continues for a week, since each morning the sows are rolling 607in the mud. 608 Around the sixth day, the farmer wakes up and tells his wife, "I 609don't have the heart to look again. This is getting ridiculous. You check 610today." With that, the wife peeks out the bedroom window and starts to laugh. 611 "What is it?" asks the farmer excitedly. "Are they grazing at last?" 612 "Nope." replies his wife. "Two of them are jumping up and down in 613the back of your truck, and the other one is honking the horn!" 614% 615 A father gave his teen-age daughter an untrained pedigreed pup for 616her birthday. An hour later, when wandered through the house, he found her 617looking at a puddle in the center of the kitchen. "My pup," she murmured 618sadly, "runneth over." 619 Catching his children with their hands in the new, still wet, patio, 620the father spanked them. His wife asked, "Don't you love your children?" 621"In the abstract, yes, but not in the concrete." 622% 623 A German, a Pole and a Czech left camp for a hike through the woods. 624After being reported missing a day or two later, rangers found two bears, 625one a male, one a female, looking suspiciously overstuffed. They killed 626the female, autopsied her, and sure enough, found the German and the Pole. 627 "What do you think?" said the first ranger. 628 "The Czech is in the male," replied the second. 629% 630 A group of soldiers being prepared for a practice landing on a tropical 631island were warned of the one danger the island held, a poisonous snake that 632could be readily identified by its alternating orange and black bands. They 633were instructed, should they find one of these snakes, to grab the tail end of 634the snake with one hand and slide the other hand up the body of the snake to 635the snake's head. Then, forcefully, bend the thumb above the snake's head 636downward to break the snake's spine. All went well for the landing, the 637charge up the beach, and the move into the jungle. At one foxhole site, two 638men were starting to dig and wondering what had happened to their partner. 639Suddenly he staggered out of the underbrush, uniform in shreds, covered with 640blood. He collapsed to the ground. His buddies were so shocked they could 641only blurt out, "What happened?" 642 "I ran from the beachhead to the edge of the jungle, and, as I hit the 643ground, I saw an orange and black striped snake right in front of me. I 644grabbed its tail end with my left hand. I placed my right hand above my left 645hand. I held firmly with my left hand and slid my right hand up the body of 646the snake. When I reached the head of the snake I flicked my right thumb down 647to break the snake's spine... did you ever goose a tiger?" 648% 649 A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved 650dog in his brother's care. The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his 651brother and inquires after his pet. 652 "Your dog's dead," replies his brother bluntly. 653 The guy is devastated. "You know how much that dog meant to me," 654he moaned into the phone. "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way 655of breaking the news? Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got 656outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a 657corner...' or something...? Why are you always so thoughtless?" 658 "Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't think." 659 "Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us. How are you anyway? 660How's Mom?" 661 His brother is silent a moment. "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got 662outside one day..." 663% 664 A guy walks into a pub and asks: "Does anyone here own a Doberman? 665I feel really bad about this, but my Chihuahua just killed it." 666 A man leaps to his feet and replies, "Yes, I do, but how can that 667be? I raised that dog from a pup to be a vicious killer." 668 "Yes, well, that's all well and good," replied the first, "but my 669dog's stuck in its throat." 670% 671 A horse breeder has his young colts bottle-fed after they're three 672days old. He heard that a foal and his mummy are soon parted. 673 A crow perched himself on a telephone wire. He was going to make a 674long-distance caw. 675 A musical reviewer admitted he always praised the first show of a 676new theatrical season. "Who am I to stone the first cast?" 677 A hard-luck actor who appeared in one coloossal disaster after another 678finally got a break, a broken leg to be exact. Someone pointed out that it's 679the first time the poor fellow's been in the same cast for more than a week. 680% 681 A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked to add 2 and 2. 682 The housewife replied, "Four!". 683 The accountant said, "It's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures 684through my spread sheet one more time." 685 The lawyer pulled the drapes, dimmed the lights and asked in a 686hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?" 687% 688 A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had 689made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he 690would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the 691lawyer. 692 "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this 693state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, 694I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer'', if that would be okay." 695 "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer. 696 "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it 697and exclaim, "That's Strange!" 698% 699 A little dog goes into a saloon in the Wild West, and beckons to 700the bartender. "Hey, bartender, gimmie a whiskey." 701 The bartender ignores him. 702 "Hey bartender, gimmie a whiskey." 703 Still ignored. 704 "HEY BARMAN!! GIMMIE A WHISKEY!!" 705 The bartender takes out his six-shooter and shoots the dog in the 706leg, and the dog runs out the saloon, howling in pain. 707 Three years later, the wee dog appears again, wearing boots, 708jeans, chaps, a Stetson, gun belt, and guns. He ambles slowly into the 709saloon, goes up to the bar, leans over it, and says to the bartender, 710"I'm here t'git the man that shot muh paw." 711% 712 A man enters a pet shop, seeking to purchase a parrot. He points 713to a fine colorful bird and asks how much it costs. 714 When he is told it costs 70,000 zlotys, he whistles in amazement 715and asks why it is so much. "Well, the bird is fluent in Italian and 716French and can recite the periodic table." He points to another bird 717and is told that it costs 90,000 zlotys because it speaks French and 718German, can knit and can curse in Latin. 719 Finally the customer asks about a drab gray bird. "Ah," he is 720told, "that one is 150,000." 721 "Why, what can it do?" he asks. 722 "Well," says the shopkeeper, "to tell you the truth, he doesn't 723do anything, but the other birds call him Mr. Secretary." 724 -- being told in Poland, 1987 725% 726 A man from AI walked across the mountains to SAIL to see the Master, 727Knuth. When he arrived, the Master was nowhere to be found. "Where is the 728wise one named Knuth?" he asked a passing student. 729 "Ah," said the student, "you have not heard. He has gone on a 730pilgrimage across the mountains to the temple of AI to seek out new 731disciples." 732 Hearing this, the man was Enlightened. 733% 734 A man met a beautiful young woman in a bar. They got along well, 735shared dinner, and had a marvelous evening. When he left her, he told her 736that he had really enjoyed their time together, and hoped to see her again, 737soon. Smiling yes, she gave him her phone number. 738 The next day, he called her up and asked her to go dancing. She 739agreed. As they talked, he jokingly asked her what her favorite flower was. 740Realizing his intentions, she told him that he shouldn't bring her flowers 741-- if he wanted to bring her a gift, well, he should bring her a Swiss Army 742knife! 743 Surprised, and not a little intrigued, he spent a large part of the 744afternoon finding a particularly unusual one. Arriving at her apartment 745he immediately presented her with the knife. She ooohed and ahhhed over it 746for a minute, and then carefully placed it in a drawer, that the man couldn't 747help but see was full of Swiss Army knives. 748 Surprised, he asked her why she had collected so many. 749 "Well, I'm young and attractive now", blushed the woman, "but that 750won't always be true. And boy scouts will do anything for a Swiss Army knife!" 751% 752 A man sank into the psychiatrist's couch and said, "I have a 753terrible problem, Doctor. I have a son at Harvard and another son at 754Princeton; I've just gifted each of them with a new Ferrari; I've got 755homes in Beverly Hills, Palm Beach, and a co-op in New York; and I've 756got a thriving ranch in Venezuela. My wife is a gorgeous young actress 757who considers my two mistresses to be her best friends." 758 The psychiatrist looked at the patient, confused. "Did I miss 759something? It sounds to me like you have no problems at all." 760 "But, Doctor, I only make $175 a week." 761% 762 A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, 763"Do you serve lawyers here?". 764 "Sure do," replied the bartender. 765 "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for 766my 'gator." 767% 768 A man who keeps stealing mopeds is an obvious cycle-path. 769 A man pleaded innocent of any wrong doing when caught by the police 770during a raid at the home of a mobster, excusing himself by claiming that he 771was making a bolt for the door. 772 A farm in the country side had several turkeys, it was known as the 773house of seven gobbles. 774 A man was reading The Canterbury Tales one Saturday morning, when his 775wife asked "What have you got there?" Replied he, "Just my cup and Chaucer." 776 A women was in love with fourteen soldiers, it was clearly platoonic. 777 Max told his friend that he'd just as soon not go hiking in the hills. 778Said he, "I'm an anti-climb Max." 779% 780 A manager asked a programmer how long it would take him to finish the 781program on which he was working. "I will be finished tomorrow," the programmer 782promptly replied. 783 "I think you are being unrealistic," said the manager. "Truthfully, 784how long will it take?" 785 The programmer thought for a moment. "I have some features that I wish 786to add. This will take at least two weeks," he finally said. 787 "Even that is too much to expect," insisted the manager, "I will be 788satisfied if you simply tell me when the program is complete." 789 The programmer agreed to this. 790 Several years slated, the manager retired. On the way to his 791retirement lunch, he discovered the programmer asleep at his terminal. 792He had been programming all night. 793 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 794% 795 A manager was about to be fired, but a programmer who worked for him 796invented a new program that became popular and sold well. As a result, the 797manager retained his job. 798 The manager tried to give the programmer a bonus, but the programmer 799refused it, saying, "I wrote the program because I though it was an interesting 800concept, and thus I expect no reward." 801 The manager, upon hearing this, remarked, "This programmer, though he 802holds a position of small esteem, understands well the proper duty of an 803employee. Lets promote him to the exalted position of management consultant!" 804 But when told this, the programmer once more refused, saying, "I exist 805so that I can program. If I were promoted, I would do nothing but waste 806everyone's time. Can I go now? I have a program that I'm working on." 807 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 808% 809 A manager went to the master programmer and showed him the requirements 810document for a new application. The manager asked the master: "How long will 811it take to design this system if I assign five programmers to it?" 812 "It will take one year," said the master promptly. 813 "But we need this system immediately or even sooner! How long will it 814take it I assign ten programmers to it?" 815 The master programmer frowned. "In that case, it will take two years." 816 "And what if I assign a hundred programmers to it?" 817 The master programmer shrugged. "Then the design will never be 818completed," he said. 819 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 820% 821 A manger went to his programmers and told them: "As regards to your 822work hours: you are going to have to come in at nine in the morning and leave 823at five in the afternoon." At this, all of them became angry and several 824resigned on the spot. 825 So the manager said: "All right, in that case you may set your own 826working hours, as long as you finish your projects on schedule." The 827programmers, now satisfied, began to come in a noon and work to the wee 828hours of the morning. 829 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 830% 831 A master programmer passed a novice programmer one day. The master 832noted the novice's preoccupation with a hand-held computer game. "Excuse me", 833he said, "may I examine it?" 834 The novice bolted to attention and handed the device to the master. 835"I see that the device claims to have three levels of play: Easy, Medium, 836and Hard", said the master. "Yet every such device has another level of play, 837where the device seeks not to conquer the human, nor to be conquered by the 838human." 839 "Pray, great master," implored the novice, "how does one find this 840mysterious setting?" 841 The master dropped the device to the ground and crushed it under foot. 842And suddenly the novice was enlightened. 843 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 844% 845 A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his novices. 846"The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how insignificant," 847said the master. 848 "Is the Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice. 849 "It is," came the reply. 850 "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice. 851 "It is even in a video game," said the master. 852 "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?" 853 The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The lesson 854is over for today.", he said. 855 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 856% 857 A master was explaining the nature of the Tao to one of his novices, 858"The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how insignificant," 859said the master. 860 "Is the Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice. 861 "It is," came the reply. 862 "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice. 863 "It is even in a video game," said the master. 864 "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?" 865 The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The lesson is 866over for today," he said. 867 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 868% 869 A MODERN FABLE 870 871Aesop's fables and other traditional children's stories involve allegory 872far too subtle for the youth of today. Children need an updated message 873with contemporary circumstance and plot line, and short enough to suit 874today's minute attention span. 875 876 The Troubled Aardvark 877 878Once upon a time, there was an aardvark whose only pleasure in life was 879driving from his suburban bungalow to his job at a large brokerage house 880in his brand new 4x4. He hated his manipulative boss, his conniving and 881unethical co-workers, his greedy wife, and his snivelling, spoiled 882children. One day, the aardvark reflected on the meaning of his life and 883his career and on the unchecked, catastrophic decline of his nation, its 884pathetic excuse for leadership, and the complete ineffectiveness of any 885personal effort he could make to change the status quo. Overcome by a 886wave of utter depression and self-doubt, he decided to take the only 887course of action that would bring him greater comfort and happiness: he 888drove to the mall and bought imported consumer electronics goods. 889 890MORAL OF THE STORY: Invest in foreign consumer electronics manufacturers. 891 -- Tom Annau 892% 893 A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at 894the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the 895pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite 896nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if..." 897 "If what?" asked the composer. 898 "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?" 899% 900 A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which 901removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to 902doing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous 903amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware 904limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the 905larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient 906power-down sequence. 907 An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the 908building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has 909bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer 910cool. 911% 912 A novice asked the Master: "Here is a programmer that never designs, 913documents, or tests his programs. Yet all who know him consider him one of 914the best programmers in the world. Why is this?" 915 The Master replies: "That programmer has mastered the Tao. He has 916gone beyond the need for design; he does not become angry when the system 917crashes, but accepts the universe without concern. He has gone beyond the 918need for documentation; he no longer cares if anyone else sees his code. He 919has gone beyond the need for testing; each of his programs are perfect within 920themselves, serene and elegant, their purpose self-evident. Truly, he has 921entered the mystery of the Tao." 922 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 923% 924 A novice asked the master: "I have a program that sometimes runs and 925sometimes aborts. I have followed the rules of programming, yet I am totally 926baffled. What is the reason for this?" 927 The master replied: "You are confused because you do not understand 928the Tao. Only a fool expects rational behavior from his fellow humans. Why 929do you expect it from a machine that humans have constructed? Computers 930simulate determinism; only the Tao is perfect. 931 The rules of programming are transitory; only the Tao is eternal. 932Therefore you must contemplate the Tao before you receive enlightenment." 933 "But how will I know when I have received enlightenment?" asked the 934novice. 935 "Your program will then run correctly," replied the master. 936 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 937% 938 A novice asked the master: "I perceive that one computer company is 939much larger than all others. It towers above its competition like a giant 940among dwarfs. Any one of its divisions could comprise an entire business. 941Why is this so?" 942 The master replied, "Why do you ask such foolish questions? That 943company is large because it is so large. If it only made hardware, nobody 944would buy it. If it only maintained systems, people would treat it like a 945servant. But because it combines all of these things, people think it one 946of the gods! By not seeking to strive, it conquers without effort." 947 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 948% 949 A novice asked the master: "In the east there is a great tree-structure 950that men call 'Corporate Headquarters'. It is bloated out of shape with 951vice-presidents and accountants. It issues a multitude of memos, each saying 952'Go, Hence!' or 'Go, Hither!' and nobody knows what is meant. Every year new 953names are put onto the branches, but all to no avail. How can such an 954unnatural entity exist?" 955 The master replies: "You perceive this immense structure and are 956disturbed that it has no rational purpose. Can you not take amusement from 957its endless gyrations? Do you not enjoy the untroubled ease of programming 958beneath its sheltering branches? Why are you bothered by its uselessness?" 959 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 960% 961 A novice programmer was once assigned to code a simple financial 962package. 963 The novice worked furiously for many days, but when his master 964reviewed his program, he discovered that it contained a screen editor, a set 965of generalized graphics routines, and artificial intelligence interface, 966but not the slightest mention of anything financial. 967 When the master asked about this, the novice became indignant. 968"Don't be so impatient," he said, "I'll put the financial stuff in eventually." 969 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 970% 971 A novice was trying to fix a broken lisp machine by turning the 972power off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly, 973"You cannot fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no understanding 974of what is going wrong." Knight turned the machine off and on. The 975machine worked. 976% 977 A Pole, a Soviet, an American, an Englishman and a Canadian were lost 978in a forest in the dead of winter. As they were sitting around a fire, they 979noticed a pack of wolves eyeing them hungrily. 980 The Englishman volunteered to sacrifice himself for the rest of the 981party. He walked out into the night. 982 The American, not wanting to be outdone by an Englishman, offered to 983be the next victim. The wolves eagerly accepted his offer, and devoured him, 984too. 985 The Soviet, believing himself to be better than any American, turned 986to the Pole and says, "Well, comrade, I shall volunteer to give my life to 987save a fellow socialist." He leaves the shelter and goes out to be killed by 988the wolf pack. 989 At this point, the Pole opened his jacket and pulls out a machine gun. 990He takes aim in the general direction of the wolf pack and in a few seconds 991has killed them all. 992 The Canadian asked the Pole, "Why didn't you do that before the others 993went out to be killed? 994 The Pole pulls a bottle of vodka from the other side of his jacket. 995He smiles and replies, "Five men on one bottle -- too many." 996% 997 A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon 998two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. "That's what 999I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man". 1000 As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, 1001he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing." 1002% 1003 A program should be light and agile, its subroutines connected like a 1004strings of pearls. The spirit and intent of the program should be retained 1005throughout. There should be neither too little nor too much, neither needless 1006loops nor useless variables, neither lack of structure nor overwhelming 1007rigidity. 1008 A program should follow the 'Law of Least Astonishment'. What is this 1009law? It is simply that the program should always respond to the user in the 1010way that astonishes him least. 1011 A program, no matter how complex, should act as a single unit. The 1012program should be directed by the logic within rather than by outward 1013appearances. 1014 If the program fails in these requirements, it will be in a state of 1015disorder and confusion. The only way to correct this is to rewrite the 1016program. 1017 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 1018% 1019 A programmer from a very large computer company went to a software 1020conference and then returned to report to his manager, saying: "What sort 1021of programmers work for other companies? They behaved badly and were 1022unconcerned with appearances. Their hair was long and unkempt and their 1023clothes were wrinkled and old. They crashed our hospitality suites and they 1024made rude noises during my presentation." 1025 The manager said: "I should have never sent you to the conference. 1026Those programmers live beyond the physical world. They consider life absurd, 1027an accidental coincidence. They come and go without knowing limitations. 1028Without a care, they live only for their programs. Why should they bother 1029with social conventions?" 1030 "They are alive within the Tao." 1031 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 1032% 1033 A ranger was walking through the forest and encountered a hunter 1034carrying a shotgun and a dead loon. "What in the world do you think you're 1035doing? Don't you know that the loon is on the endagered species list?" 1036 Instead of answering, the hunter showed the ranger his game bag, 1037which contained twelve more loons. 1038 "Why would you shoot loons?", the ranger asked. 1039 "Well, my family eats them and I sell the plumage." 1040 "What's so special about a loon? What does it taste like?" 1041 "Oh, somewhere between an American Bald Eagle and a Trumpeter Swan." 1042% 1043 A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor 1044recorded the following on the patient's chart: "Patient failed to fulfill 1045his wellness potential." 1046 1047 Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the *American Journal 1048of Family Practice* fleas were called "hematophagous arthropod vectors." 1049 1050 A reader reports that the Army calls them "vertically deployed anti- 1051personnel devices." You probably call them bombs. 1052 1053 At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian 1054mechanics were placed on "non-duty, non-pay status." That is, they were fired. 1055 1056 After taking the trip of a lifetime, our reader sent his twelve rolls 1057of film to Kodak for developing (or "processing," as Kodak likes to call it) 1058only to receive the following notice: "We must report that during the handling 1059of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the films were involved in an 1060unusual laboratory experience." The use of the passive is a particularly nice 1061touch, don't you think? Nobody did anything to the films; they just had a bad 1062experience. Of course our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his 1063pictures all over again, using the twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously 1064sent him. 1065 -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE) 1066% 1067 A reverend wanted to telephone another reverend. He told the operator, 1068"This is a parson to parson call." 1069 A farmer with extremely prolific hens posted the following sign. "Free 1070Chickens. Our Coop Runneth Over." 1071 Two brothers, Mort and Bill, like to sail. While Bill has a great 1072deal of experience, he certainly isn't the rigger Mort is. 1073 Inheritance taxes are getting so out of line, that the deceased family 1074often doesn't have a legacy to stand on. 1075 The judge fined the jaywalker fifty dollars and told him if he was 1076caught again, he would be thrown in jail. Fine today, cooler tomorrow. 1077 A rock store eventually closed down; they were taking too much for 1078granite. 1079% 1080 A Scotsman was strolling across High Street one day wearing his kilt. 1081As he neared the far curb, he noticed two young blondes in a red convertible 1082eyeing him and giggling. One of them called out, "Hey, Scotty! What's worn 1083under the kilt?" 1084 He strolled over to the side of the car and asked, "Ach, lass, are you 1085SURE you want to know?" Somewhat nervously, the blonde replied yes, she did 1086really want to know. 1087 The Scotsman leaned closer and confided, "Why, lass, nothing's worn 1088under the kilt, everything's in perfect workin' order!" 1089% 1090 A sheet of paper crossed my desk the other day and as I read it, 1091realization of a basic truth came over me. So simple! So obvious we couldn't 1092see it. John Knivlen, Chairman of Polamar Repeater Club, an amateur radio 1093group, had discovered how IC circuits work. He says that smoke is the thing 1094that makes ICs work because every time you let the smoke out of an IC circuit, 1095it stops working. He claims to have verified this with thorough testing. 1096 I was flabbergasted! Of course! Smoke makes all things electrical 1097work. Remember the last time smoke escaped from your Lucas voltage regulator 1098Didn't it quit working? I sat and smiled like an idiot as more of the truth 1099dawned. It's the wiring harness that carries the smoke from one device to 1100another in your Mini, MG or Jag. And when the harness springs a leak, it lets 1101the smoke out of everything at once, and then nothing works. The starter motor 1102requires large quantities of smoke to operate properly, and that's why the wire 1103going to it is so large. 1104 Feeling very smug, I continued to expand my hypothesis. Why are Lucas 1105electronics more likely to leak than say Bosch? Hmmm... Aha!!! Lucas is 1106British, and all things British leak! British convertible tops leak water, 1107British engines leak oil, British displacer units leak hydrostatic fluid, and 1108I might add Brititsh tires leak air, and the British defense unit leaks 1109secrets... so naturally British electronics leak smoke. 1110 -- Jack Banton, PCC Automotive Electrical School 1111% 1112 A shy teenage boy finally worked up the nerve to give a gift to 1113Maddona, a young puppy. It hitched its waggin' to a star. 1114 A girl spent a couple hours on the phone talking to her two best 1115friends, Maureen Jones, and Maureen Brown. When asked by her father why she 1116had been on the phone so long, she responded "I heard a funny story today 1117and I've been telling it to the Maureens." 1118 Three actors, Tom, Fred, and Cec, wanted to do the jousting scene 1119from Don Quixote for a local TV show. "I'll play the title role," proposed 1120Tom. "Fred can portray Sancho Panza, and Cecil B. De Mille." 1121% 1122 A woman was married to a golfer. One day she asked, "If I were 1123to die, would you remarry?" 1124 After some thought, the man replied, "Yes, I've been very happy in 1125this marriage and I would want to be this happy again." 1126 The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?" 1127 "Yes," he replied. "That's a good car and it runs well." 1128 "Well, would you live in this house?" 1129 "Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully. 1130I've always loved it here." 1131 "Well, would you give her my golf clubs?" 1132 "No." 1133 "Why not?" 1134 "She's left handed." 1135% 1136 A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened 1137to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road. After seeing the 1138sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes. 1139"Gosh!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job. 1140Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?" 1141 "Yes, upon rare occasions," answered the handler. 1142 "Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're bitten by 1143a snake?" 1144 "I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I 1145am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then 1146suck the poison from the wound." 1147 "What, uh... what would happen if you were to accidentally *sit* on 1148a rattler?" persisted the woman. 1149 "Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn 1150who my real friends are." 1151% 1152 A young married couple had their first child. Their original pride 1153and joy slowly turned to concern however, for after a couple of years the 1154child had never uttered any form of speech. They hired the best speech 1155therapists, doctors, psychiatrists, all to no avail. The child simply refused 1156to speak. One morning when the child was five, while the husband was reading 1157the paper, and the wife was feeding the dog, the little kid looks up from 1158his bowl and said, "My cereal's cold." 1159 The couple is stunned. The man, in tears, confronts his son. "Son, 1160after all these years, why have you waited so long to say something?". 1161 Shrugs the kid, "Everything's been okay 'til now". 1162% 1163 ACHTUNG!!! 1164Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy 1165schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit 1166spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das 1167rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und 1168vatch das blinkenlights!!! 1169% 1170 After sifting through the overwritten remaining blocks of Luke's home 1171directory, Luke and PDP-1 sped away from /u/lars, across the surface of the 1172Winchester riding Luke's flying read/write head. PDP-1 had Luke stop at the 1173edge of the cylinder overlooking /usr/spool/uucp. 1174 "Unix-to-Unix Copy Program;" said PDP-1. "You will never find a more 1175wretched hive of bugs and flamers. We must be cautious." 1176 -- DECWARS 1177% 1178 After the Children of Israel had wandered for thirty-nine years in 1179 the wilderness, Ferdinand Feghoot arrived to make sure that they 1180would finally find and enter the Promised Land. With him, he brought his 1181favorite robot, faithful old Yewtoo Artoo, to carry his gear and do assorted 1182camp chores. 1183 The Israelites soon got over their initial fear of the robot and, 1184 as the months passed, became very fond of him. Patriarchs took to 1185discussing abtruse theological problems with him, and each evening the 1186children all gathered to hear the many stories with which he was programmed. 1187Therefore it came as a great shock to them when, just as their journey was 1188ending, he abruptly wore out. Even Feghoot couldn't console them. 1189 "It may be true, Ferdinand Feghoot," said Moses, "that our friend 1190Yewtoo Artoo was soulless, but we cannot believe it. He must be properly 1191interred. We cannot embalm him as do the Egyptians. Nor have we wood for 1192a coffin. But I do have a most splendid skin from one of Pharoah's own 1193cattle. We shall bury him in it." 1194 Feghoot agreed. "Yes, let this be his last rusting place." "Rusting?" 1195 Moses cried. "Not in this dreadful dry desert!" 1196 "Ah!" sighed Ferdinand Feghoot, shedding a tear, "I fear you do not 1197realize the full significance of Pharoah's oxhide!" 1198 -- Grendel Briarton "Through Time & Space With Ferdinand 1199 Feghoot!" 1200% 1201 After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patient 1202earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several 1203minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help. 1204 "No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a 1205name for my baby." 1206 "But the hospital supplies a special booklet that lists hundreds 1207of first names and their meanings," said the orderly. 1208 "That won't help," said the woman, "my baby already has a first 1209name." 1210% 1211 All that you touch, And all you create, 1212 All that you see, And all you destroy, 1213 All that you taste, All that you do, 1214 All you feel, And all you say, 1215 And all that you love, All that you eat, 1216 And all that you hate, And everyone you meet, 1217 All you distrust, All that you slight, 1218 All you save, And everyone you fight, 1219 And all that you give, And all that is now, 1220 And all that you deal, And all that is gone, 1221 All that you buy, And all that's to come, 1222 Beg, borrow or steal, And everything under the sun is 1223 in tune, 1224 But the sun is eclipsed 1225 By the moon. 1226 1227There is no dark side of the moon... really... matter of fact it's all dark. 1228 -- Pink Floyd, "Dark Side of the Moon" 1229% 1230 America, Russia and Japan are sending up a two year shuttle mission 1231with one astronaut from each country. Since it's going to be two long, lonely 1232years up there, each may bring any form of entertainment weighing 150 pounds 1233or less. The American approaches the NASA board and asks to take his 125 lb. 1234wife. They approve. 1235 The Japanese astronaut says, "I've always wanted to learn Latin. I 1236want 100 lbs. of textbooks." The NASA board approves. The Russian astronaut 1237thinks for a second and says, "Two years... all right, I want 150 pounds of 1238the best Cuban cigars ever made." Again, NASA okays it. 1239 Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered outside 1240to welcome back the astronauts. Well, it's obvious what the American's been 1241up to, he and his wife are each holding an infant. The crowd cheers. The 1242Japanese astronaut steps out and makes a 10 minute speech in absolutely 1243perfect Latin. The crowd doesn't understand a word of it, but they're 1244impressed and they cheer again. The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches 1245the podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row and 1246screams: "Anybody got a match?" 1247% 1248 An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He 1249 knows he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully 1250and with great restraint. 1251 As he designs the first work, frill after frill and 1252 embellishment after embellishment occur to him. These get 1253stored away to be used "next time." Sooner or later the first system 1254is finished, and the architect, with firm confidence and a demonstrated 1255mastery of that class of systems, is ready to build a second system. 1256 This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs. 1257When he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will 1258confirm each other as to the general characteristics of such systems, 1259and their differences will identify those parts of his experience that 1260are particular and not generalizable. 1261 The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using 1262all the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first 1263one. The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile." 1264 -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month" 1265% 1266 An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He knows 1267he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with great 1268restraint. 1269 As he designs the first work, frill after frill and embellishment 1270after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away to be used "next 1271time". Sooner or later the first system is finished, and the architect, 1272with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of that class of systems, 1273is ready to build a second system. 1274 This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs. When 1275he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will confirm each 1276other as to the general characteristics of such systems, and their differences 1277will identify those parts of his experience that are particular and not 1278generalizable. 1279 The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using all 1280the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first one. 1281The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile". 1282% 1283 An eighty-year-old woman is rocking away the afternoon on her 1284porch when she sees an old, tarnished lamp sitting near the steps. She 1285picks it up, rubs it gently, and lo and behold a genie appears! The genie 1286tells the woman the he will grant her any three wishes her heart desires. 1287 After a bit of thought, she says, "I wish I were young and 1288beautiful!" And POOF! In a cloud of smoke she becomes a young, beautiful, 1289voluptuous woman. 1290 After a little more thought, she says, "I would like to be rich 1291for the rest of my life." And POOF! When the smoke clears, there are 1292stacks and stacks of money lying on the porch. 1293 The genie then says, "Now, madam, what is your final wish?" 1294 "Well," says the woman, "I would like for you to transform my 1295faithful old cat, whom I have loved dearly for fifteen years, into a young 1296handsome prince!" 1297 And with another billow of smoke the cat is changed into a tall, 1298handsome, young man, with dark hair, dressed in a dashing uniform. 1299 As they gaze at each other in adoration, the prince leans over to 1300the woman and whispers into her ear, "Now, aren't you sorry you had me 1301fixed?" 1302% 1303 An elderly man stands in line for hours at a Warsaw meat store (meat 1304is severely rationed). When the butcher comes out at the end of the day and 1305announces that there is no meat left, the man flies into a rage. 1306 "What is this?" he shouts. "I fought against the Nazis, I worked hard 1307all my life, I've been a loyal citizen, and now you tell me I can't even buy a 1308piece of meat? This rotten system stinks!" 1309 Suddenly a thuggish man in a black leather coat sidles up and murmurs 1310"Take it easy, comrade. Remember what would have happened if you had made an 1311outburst like that only a few years ago" -- and he points an imaginary gun to 1312this head and pulls the trigger. 1313 The old man goes home, and his wife says, "So they're out of meat 1314again?" 1315 "It's worse than that," he replies. "They're out of bullets." 1316 -- making the rounds in Warsaw, 1987 1317% 1318 An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are captured by cannibals. 1319The leader of the tribe comes up to them and says, "Even though you are about 1320to killed, your deaths will not be in vain. Every part of your body will be 1321used. Your flesh will be eaten, for my people are hungry. Your hair will be 1322woven into clothing, for my people are naked. Your bones will be ground up 1323and made into medicine, for my people are sick. Your skin will be stretched 1324over canoe frames, for my people need transportation. We are a fair people, 1325and we offer you a chance to kill yourself with our ceremonial knife." 1326 The Englishman accepts the knife and yells, "God Save the Queen", 1327while plunging the knife into his heart. 1328 The Frenchman removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells, 1329"Vive la France", while plunging the knife into his heart. 1330 The American removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells, 1331while stabbing himself all over his body, "Here's your lousy canoe!" 1332% 1333 An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a 1334great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures. 1335I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment. 1336I have given up everything I was asked to give up and I have suffered, but 1337I have not been enlightened. What should I do?" 1338 Otis replied, "Give up suffering." 1339 -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters" 1340% 1341 And St. Attila raised the hand grenade up on high saying "O Lord 1342bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thine enemies 1343to tiny bits, in thy mercy" and the Lord did grin and the people did feast 1344upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orang-utangs and 1345breakfast cereals and fruit bats and... 1346 (skip a bit brother...) 1347 Er ... oh, yes ... and the Lord spake, saying "First shalt thou 1348take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. 1349Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the count 1350shall be three. Four shalt thou not count neither count thou two, excepting 1351that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number 1352three, being the third number, be reached then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand 1353Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naught in my sight, shall 1354snuff it. 1355 -- Monty Python, "The Book of Armaments" 1356% 1357 "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?" 1358asked the father of his little son. 1359 "Diet." 1360% 1361 "Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best 1362to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the 1363posh hotel. 1364 "No. No, thank you," replied the gentleman. 1365 "Anything for your wife, sir?" the bellhop asked. 1366 "Why, yes, young man," said the gentleman. "Would you bring me 1367a postcard?" 1368% 1369 "Anything else you wish to draw to my attention, Mr. Holmes ?" 1370 "The curious incident of the stable dog in the nightime." 1371 "But the dog did nothing in the nighttime." 1372 "That was the curious incident." 1373 -- A. Conan Doyle, "Silver Blaze" 1374% 1375 Approaching the gates of the monastery, Hakuin found Ken the Zen 1376preaching to a group of disciples. 1377 "Words..." Ken orated, "they are but an illusory veil obfuscating 1378the absolute reality of --" 1379 "Ken!" Hakuin interrupted. "Your fly is down!" 1380 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon Ken, and he 1381vaporized. 1382 On the way to town, Hakuin was greeted by an itinerant monk imbued 1383with the spirit of the morning. 1384 "Ah," the monk sighed, a beatific smile wrinkling across his cheeks, 1385"Thou art That..." 1386 "Ah," Hakuin replied, pointing excitedly, "And Thou art Fat!" 1387 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the monk, 1388and he vaporized. 1389 Next, the Governor sought the advice of Hakuin, crying: "As our 1390enemies bear down upon us, how shall I, with such heartless and callow 1391soldiers as I am heir to, hope to withstand the impending onslaught?" 1392 "US?" snapped Hakuin. 1393 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the 1394Governor, and he vaporized. 1395 Then, a redneck went up to Hakuin and vaporized the old Master with 1396his shotgun. "Ha! Beat ya' to the punchline, ya' scrawny li'l geek!" 1397% 1398 As a general rule of thumb, never trust anybody who's been in therapy 1399for more than 15 percent of their life span. The words "I am sorry" and "I 1400am wrong" will have totally disappeared from their vocabulary. They will stab 1401you, shoot you, break things in your apartment, say horrible things to your 1402friends and family, and then justify this abhorrent behavior by saying: 1403 "Sure, I put your dog in the microwave. But I feel *better* 1404for doing it." 1405 -- Bruce Feirstein, "Nice Guys Sleep Alone" 1406% 1407 At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from 1408Los Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head 1409under the exhaust of a bus until he revived. 1410% 1411 Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and 1412 took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of 1413his followers. 1414 One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and 1415there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing. 1416 "Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his 1417commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your 1418Purpose in Life, anyway?" 1419 Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The 1420Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.) 1421 Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened. 1422 Primarily because nobody understood Chinese. 1423 -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters" 1424% 1425 better !pout !cry 1426 better watchout 1427 lpr why 1428 santa claus < north pole > town 1429 1430 cat /etc/passwd > list 1431 ncheck list 1432 ncheck list 1433 cat list | grep naughty > nogiftlist 1434 cat list | grep nice > giftlist 1435 santa claus < north pole > town 1436 1437 who | grep sleeping 1438 who | grep awake 1439 who | grep bad || good 1440 for (goodness sake) { 1441 be good 1442 } 1443% 1444 Brian Kernighan has an automobile which he helped design. 1445Unlike most automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas guage, nor 1446any of the numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. 1447Rather, if the driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the 1448center of the dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will 1449usually know what's wrong." 1450% 1451 Bubba, Jim Bob, and Leroy were fishing out on the lake last November, 1452and, when Bubba tipped his head back to empty the Jim Beam, he fell out of the 1453boat into the lake. Jim Bob and Leroy pulled him back in, but as Bubba didn't 1454look too good, they started up the Evinrude and headed back to the pier. 1455 By the time they got there, Bubba was turning kind of blue, and his 1456teeth were chattering like all get out. Jim Bob said, "Leroy, go run up to 1457the pickup and get Doc Pritchard on the CB, and ask him what we should do". 1458 Doc Pritchard, after hearing a description of the case, said "Now, 1459Leroy, listen closely. Bubba is in great danger. He has hy-po-thermia. Now 1460what you need to do is get all them wet clothes off of Bubba, and take your 1461clothes off, and pile your clothes and jackets on top of him. Then you all 1462get under that pile, and hug up to Bubba real close so that you warm him up. 1463You understand me Leroy? You gotta warm Bubba up, or he'll die." 1464 Leroy and the Doc 10-4'ed each other, and Leroy came back to the 1465pier. "Wh-Wh-What'd th-th-the d-d-doc s-s-say L-L-Leroy?", Bubba chattered. 1466 "Bubba, Doc says you're gonna die." 1467% 1468 By the middle 1880's, practically all the roads except those in 1469the South, were of the present standard gauge. The southern roads were 1470still five feet between rails. 1471 It was decided to change the gauge of all southern roads to standard, 1472in one day. This remarkable piece of work was carried out on a Sunday in May 1473of 1886. For weeks beforehand, shops had been busy pressing wheels in on the 1474axles to the new and narrower gauge, to have a supply of rolling stock which 1475could run on the new track as soon as it was ready. Finally, on the day set, 1476great numbers of gangs of track layers went to work at dawn. Everywhere one 1477rail was loosened, moved in three and one-half inches, and spiked down in its 1478new position. By dark, trains from anywhere in the United States could operate 1479over the tracks in the South, and a free interchange of freight cars everywhere 1480was possible. 1481 -- Robert Henry, "Trains", 1957 1482% 1483 Carol's head ached as she trailed behind the unsmiling Calibrees 1484along the block of booths. She chirruped at Kennicott, "Let's be wild! 1485Let's ride on the merry-go-round and grab a gold ring!" 1486 Kennicott considered it, and mumbled to Calibree, "Think you folks 1487would like to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?" 1488 Calibree considered it, and mumbled to his wife, "Think you'd like 1489to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?" 1490 Mrs. Calibree smiled in a washed-out manner, and sighed, "Oh no, 1491I don't believe I care to much, but you folks go ahead and try it." 1492 Calibree stated to Kennicott, "No, I don't believe we care to a 1493whole lot, but you folks go ahead and try it." 1494 Kennicott summarized the whole case against wildness: "Let's try 1495it some other time, Carrie." 1496 She gave it up. 1497 -- Sinclair Lewis, "Main Street" 1498% 1499 Chapter VIII 1500Due to the convergence of forces beyond his comprehension, 1501Salvatore Quanucci was suddenly squirted out of the universe 1502like a watermelon seed, and never heard from again. 1503% 1504 Concerning the war in Vietnam, Senator George Aiken of Vermount noted 1505in January, 1966, "I'm not very keen for doves or hawks. I think we need more 1506owls." 1507 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits" 1508% 1509 COONDOG MEMORY 1510 (heard in Rutledge, Missouri, about eighteen years ago) 1511 1512Now, this dog is for sale, and she can not only follow a trail twice as 1513old as the average dog can, but she's got a pretty good memory to boot. 1514For instance, last week this old boy who lives down the road from me, and 1515is forever stinkmouthing my hounds, brought some city fellow around to 1516try out ol' Sis here. So I turned her out south of the house and she made 1517two or three big swings back and forth across the edge of the woods, set 1518back her head, bayed a couple of times, cut straight through the woods, 1519come to a little clearing, jumped about three foot straight up in the air, 1520run to the other side, and commenced to letting out a racket like she had 1521something treed. We went over there with our flashlights and shone them 1522up in the tree but couldn't catch no shine offa coon's eyes, and my 1523neighbor sorta indicated that ol' Sis might be a little crazy, `cause she 1524stood right to the tree and kept singing up into it. So I pulled off my 1525coat and climbed up into the branches, and sure enough, there was a coon 1526skeleton wedged in between a couple of branches about twenty foot up. 1527Now as I was saying, she can follow a pretty old trail, but this fellow 1528was still calling her crazy or touched `cause she had hopped up in the 1529air while she was crossing the clearing, until I reminded him that the 1530Hawkins' had a fence across there about five years back. Now, this dog 1531is for sale. 1532 -- News that stayed News: Ten Years of Coevolution Quarterly 1533% 1534 Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. does not warrant that the 1535functions contained in the program will meet your requirements or that 1536the operation of the program will be uninterrupted or error-free. 1537 However, Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. warrants the 1538diskette(s) on which the program is furnished to be of black color and 1539square shape under normal use for a period of ninety (90) days from the 1540date of purchase. 1541 NOTE: IN NO EVENT WILL COSMOTRONIC SOFTWARE UNLIMITED OR ITS 1542DISTRIBUTORS AND THEIR DEALERS BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ANY DAMAGES, INCLUDING 1543ANY LOST PROFIT, LOST SAVINGS, LOST PATIENCE OR OTHER INCIDENTAL OR 1544CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES. 1545 -- Horstmann Software Design, the "ChiWriter" user manual 1546% 1547 Dallas Cowboys Official Schedule 1548 1549 Sept 14 Pasadena Junior High 1550 Sept 21 Boy Scout Troop 049 1551 Sept 28 Blind Academy 1552 Sept 30 World War I Veterans 1553 Oct 5 Brownie Scout Troop 041 1554 Oct 12 Sugarcreek High Cheerleaders 1555 Oct 26 St. Thomas Boys Choir 1556 Nov 2 Texas City Vet Clinic 1557 Nov 9 Korean War Amputees 1558 Nov 15 VA Hospital Polio Patients 1559% 1560 "Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll 1561be able to get over you -- so would you mind answering the phone?" 1562% 1563 "Darling," she whispered, "will you still love me after we are 1564married?" 1565 He considered this for a moment and then replied, "I think so. 1566I've always been especially fond of married women." 1567% 1568 Deck us all with Boston Charlie, 1569 Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo! 1570 Nora's freezin' on the trolley, 1571 Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo! 1572 1573 Don't we know archaic barrel, 1574 Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou. 1575 Trolley Molly don't love Harold, 1576 Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo! 1577 -- Pogo, "Deck Us All With Boston Charlie" 1578% 1579 Does anyone know how to get chocolate syrup and honey out of a 1580white electric blanket? I'm afraid to wash it in the machine. 1581 1582Thanks, Kathy. (front desk, x17) 1583 1584p.s. Also, anyone ever used Noxema on friction burns? 1585 Or is Vaseline better? 1586% 1587 "Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly, 1588sincerely, extremely dangerously. 1589 They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs. 1590They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They used 1591intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used finks. 1592They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used fallaron. They 1593used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. They used the 1594bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. They used treachery. 1595They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. They used applied physics. 1596They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him. 1597 -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man" 1598% 1599 Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes of Harvard Medical School inhaled ether 1600at a time when it was popularly supposed to produce such mystical or 1601"mind-expanding" experiences, much as LSD is supposed to produce such 1602experiences today. Here is his account of what happened: 1603 "I once inhaled a pretty full dose of ether, with the determination 1604to put on record, at the earliest moment of regaining consciousness, the 1605thought I should find uppermost in my mind. The mighty music of the triumphal 1606march into nothingness reverberated through my brain, and filled me with a 1607sense of infinite possibilities, which made me an archangel for a moment. 1608The veil of eternity was lifted. The one great truth which underlies all 1609human experience and is the key to all the mysteries that philosophy has 1610sought in vain to solve, flashed upon me in a sudden revelation. Henceforth 1611all was clear: a few words had lifted my intelligence to the level of the 1612knowledge of the cherubim. As my natural condition returned, I remembered 1613my resolution; and, staggering to my desk, I wrote, in ill-shaped, straggling 1614characters, the all-embracing truth still glimmering in my consciousness. 1615The words were these (children may smile; the wise will ponder): 1616`A strong smell of turpentine prevails throughout.'" 1617 -- The Consumers Union Report: Licit & Illicit Drugs 1618% 1619 During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife. She had 1620him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon. 1621 In another fight, the wife decked him with a heavy glass pitcher. 1622She's a women who conks to stupor. 1623 Upon reading a story about a man who throttled his mother-in-law, a 1624man commented, "Sounds to me like a practical choker." 1625 It's not the inital skirt length, it's the upcreep. 1626 It's the theory of Jess Birnbaum, of Time magazine, that women with 1627bad legs should stick to long skirts because they cover a multitude of shins. 1628% 1629 During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were 1630blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-face 1631country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost 1632hit my wife." 1633 "Did I?" cried one hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a shot 1634at mine, over there." 1635% 1636 Eugene d'Albert, a noted German composer, was married six times. 1637At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife shortly 1638after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who said politely, 1639"Congratulations, Herr d'Albert; you have rarely introduced me to so 1640charming a wife." 1641% 1642 Everthing is farther away than it used to be. It is even twice as 1643far to the corner and they have added a hill. I have given up running for 1644the bus; it leaves earlier than it used to. 1645 It seems to me they are making the stairs steeper than in the old 1646days. And have you noticed the smaller print they use in the newspapers? 1647 There is no sense in asking anyone to read aloud anymore, as everbody 1648speaks in such a low voice I can hardly hear them. 1649 The material in dresses is so skimpy now, especially around the hips 1650and waist, that it is almost impossible to reach one's shoelaces. And the 1651sizes don't run the way they used to. The 12's and 14's are so much smaller. 1652 Even people are changing. They are so much younger than they used to 1653be when I was their age. On the other hand people my age are so much older 1654than I am. 1655 I ran into an old classmate the other day and she has aged so much 1656that she didn't recognize me. 1657 I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair 1658this morning and in so doing I glanced at my own reflection. Really now, 1659they don't even make good mirrors like they used to. 1660 Sandy Frazier, "I Have Noticed" 1661% 1662 Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping 1663mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as 1664"Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you 1665how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence", 1666"Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night 1667So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc. 1668 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 1669% 1670 Exxon's 'Universe of Energy' tends to the peculiar rather than the 1671humorous ... After [an incomprehensible film montage about wind and sun and 1672rain and strip mines and] two or three minutes of mechanical confusion, the 1673seats locomote through a short tunnel filled with clock-work dinosaurs. 1674The dinosaurs are depicted without accuracy and too close to your face. 1675 "One of the few real novelties at Epcot is the use of smell to 1676aggravate illusions. Of course, no one knows what dinosaurs smelled like, 1677but Exxon has decided they smelled bad. 1678 "At the other end of Dino Ditch ... there's a final, very addled 1679message about facing challengehood tomorrow-wise. I dozed off during this, 1680but the import seems to be that dinosaurs don't have anything to do with 1681energy policy and neither do you." 1682 -- P.J. O'Rourke, "Holidays in Hell" 1683% 1684 For example, in Year 1 that useless letter 'c' would be dropped to be 1685replased either by 'k' or 's', and likewise 'x' would no longer be part of the 1686alphabet. The only kase in which 'c' would be retained would be the 'ch' 1687formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform 'w' spelling, 1688so that 'which' and 'one' would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might 1689well abolish 'y' replasing it with 'i' and Iear 4 might fiks the 'g-j' 1690anomali wonse and for all. 1691 Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with 1692Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so 1693modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai 1694Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez 1695'c', 'y' and 'x' - bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez - tu 1696riplais 'ch', 'sh', and 'th' rispektivli. 1697 Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a 1698lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld. 1699% 1700 "Found it," the Mouse replied rather crossly: 1701"of course you know what 'it' means." 1702 1703 "I know what 'it' means well enough, when I find a thing," 1704said the Duck: "it's generally a frog or a worm. 1705 1706The question is, what did the archbishop find?" 1707% 1708 Four Oxford dons were taking their evening walk together and as 1709usual, were engaged in casual but learned conversation. On this particular 1710evening, their conversation was about the names given to groups of animals, 1711such as a "pride of lions" or a "gaggle of geese." 1712 One of the professors noticed a group of prostitutes down the block, 1713and posed the question, "What name would be given to that group?" The four 1714fell into silence for a moment, as they pondered the possibilities... 1715 At last, one spoke: "How about 'a Jam of Tarts'?" The others nodded 1716in acknowledgement as they continued to consider the problem. A second 1717professor spoke: "I'd suggest 'an Essay of Trollops.'" Again, the others 1718nodded. A third spoke: "I propose 'a Flourish of Strumpets.'" 1719 They continued their walk in silence, until the first professor 1720remarked to the remaining professor, who was the most senior and learned of 1721the four, "You haven't suggested a name for our ladies. What are your 1722thoughts?" 1723 Replied the fourth professor, "'An Anthology of Prose.'" 1724% 1725 Fred noticed his roommate had a black eye upon returning from a dance. 1726"What happened?" "I was struck by the beauty of the place." 1727 A pushy romeo asked a gorgeous elevator operator, "Don't all these 1728stops and starts get you pretty worn out?" "It isn't the stops and starts 1729that get on my nerves, it's the jerks." 1730 An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same 1731time. One was named Edith; the other named Kate. They met, discovered they 1732had the same fiancee, and told him. "Get out of our lives you rascal. We'll 1733teach you that you can't have your Kate and Edith, too." 1734 A domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl. He came back from 1735his honeymoon a chastened man. He'd become aware of the will of the wisp. 1736 A young husband with an inferiorty complex insisted he was just a 1737little pebble on the beach. The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to 1738save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder." 1739% 1740 Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their 1741engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who 1742was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy 1743and sarcastic?" 1744 "Of course not," said a sympathetic friend. 1745 "Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer." 1746% 1747 "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at Morse Science High has an 1748extracurricular activity except you." 1749 "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?" 1750 "Only to ten, Mudhead." 1751% 1752 "Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning 1753to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this 1754beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a 1755dark prison cell? Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little 1756apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours 1757in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?" 1758% 1759 God decided to take the devil to court and settle their 1760differences once and for all. 1761 When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just 1762where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?" 1763% 1764 Graduating seniors, parents and friends... 1765 Let me begin by reassuring you that my remarks today will stand up 1766to the most stringent requirements of the new appropriateness. 1767 The intra-college sensitivity advisory committee has vetted the 1768text of even trace amounts of subconscious racism, sexism and classism. 1769 Moreover, a faculty panel of deconstructionists have reconfigured 1770the rhetorical components within a post-structuralist framework, so as to 1771expunge any offensive elements of western rationalism and linear logic. 1772 Finally, all references flowing from a white, male, eurocentric 1773perspective have been eliminated, as have any other ruminations deemed 1774denigrating to the political consensus of the moment. 1775 1776 Thank you and good luck. 1777 -- Doonesbury, the University Chancellor's graduation speech. 1778% 1779 Hack placidly amidst the noisy printers and remember what prizes there 1780may be in Science. As fast as possible get a good terminal on a good system. 1781Enter your data clearly but always encrypt your results. And listen to others, 1782even the dull and ignorant, for they may be your customers. Avoid loud and 1783aggressive persons, for they are sales reps. 1784 If you compare your outputs with those of others, you may be surprised, 1785for always there will be greater and lesser numbers than you have crunched. 1786Keep others interested in your career, and try not to fumble; it can be a real 1787hassle and could change your fortunes in time. 1788 Exercise system control in your experiments, for the world is full of 1789bugs. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive 1790for linearity and everywhere papers are full of approximations. Strive for 1791proportionality. Especially, do not faint when it occurs. Neither be cyclical 1792about results; for in the face of all data analysis it is sure to be noticed. 1793 Take with a grain of salt the anomalous data points. Gracefully pass 1794them on to the youth at the next desk. Nurture some mutual funds to shield 1795you in times of sudden layoffs. But do not distress yourself with imaginings 1796-- the real bugs are enough to screw you badly. Murphy's Law runs the 1797Universe -- and whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt <Curl>B*n dS = 0. 1798 Therefore, grab for a piece of the pie, with whatever proposals you 1799can conceive of to try. With all the crashed disks, skewed data, and broken 1800line printers, you can still have a beautiful secretary. Be linear. Strive 1801to stay employed. 1802 -- Technolorata, "Analog" 1803% 1804 "Haig, in congressional hearings before his confirmatory, paradoxed 1805his audiencers by abnormaling his responds so that verbs were nouned, nouns 1806verbed, and adjectives adverbised. He techniqued a new way to vocabulary his 1807thoughts so as to informationally uncertain anybody listening about what he 1808had actually implicationed. 1809 "If that is how General Haig wants to nervous breakdown the Russian 1810leadership, he may be shrewding his way to the biggest diplomatic invent 1811since Clausewitz. Unless, that is, he schizophrenes his allies first." 1812 -- The Guardian 1813% 1814 Hardware met Software on the road to Changtse. Software said: "You 1815are the Yin and I am the Yang. If we travel together we will become famous 1816and earn vast sums of money." And so the pair set forth together, thinking 1817to conquer the world. 1818 Presently, they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rags, and 1819hobbled along propped on a thorny stick. Firmware said to them: "The Tao 1820lies beyond Yin and Yang. It is silent and still as a pool of water. It does 1821not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence. It does not seeks fortune, 1822for it is complete within itself. It exists beyond space and time." 1823 Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes. 1824 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 1825% 1826 Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home 1827from the club to an irate, ranting wife. 1828 "I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly. "You 1829promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost 1830nine. It just can't take that long to play 18 holes of golf." 1831 "Honey, wait," said Harry. "Let me explain. I know what I promised 1832you, but I have a very good reason for being late. Fred and I tee'd off 1833right on time and everything was find for the first three holes. Then, on 1834the fourth tee Fred had a stroke. I ran back to the clubhouse but couldn't 1835find a doctor. And, by the time I got back to Fred, he was dead. So, for 1836the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred... 1837% 1838 Harry constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism. 1839No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have 1840been worse." 1841 To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a 1842situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no 1843hope in it. Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said, 1844"Harry! Did you hear what happened to George? He came home last night, 1845found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned 1846the gun on himself!" 1847 "Terrible," said Harry. "But it could have been worse." 1848 "How in hell," demanded his dumfounded friend, "could it possibly 1849have been worse?" 1850 "Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be 1851dead right now." 1852% 1853 He had been bitten by a dog, but didn't give it much thought 1854until he noticed that the wound was taking a remarkably long time to 1855heal. Finally, he consulted a doctor who took one look at it and 1856ordered the dog brought in. Just as he had suspected, the dog had 1857rabies. Since it was too late to give the patient serum, the doctor 1858felt he had to prepare him for the worst. The poor man sat down at the 1859doctor's desk and began to write. His physician tried to comfort him. 1860"Perhaps it won't be so bad," he said. "You needn't make out your will 1861right now." 1862 "I'm not making out any will," relied the man. "I'm just writing 1863out a list of people I'm going to bite!" 1864% 1865 ...He who laughs does not believe in what he laughs at, but neither 1866does he hate it. Therefore, laughing at evil means not preparing oneself to 1867combat it, and laughing at good means denying the power through which good is 1868self-propagating. 1869 -- Umberto Eco, "The Name of the Rose" 1870% 1871 "Heard you were moving your piano, so I came over to help." 1872 "Thanks. Got it upstairs already." 1873 "Do it alone?" 1874 "Nope. Hitched the cat to it." 1875 "How would that help?" 1876 "Used a whip." 1877% 1878 "Hello, Mrs. Premise!" 1879 "Oh, hello, Mrs. Conclusion! Busy day?" 1880 "Busy? I just spent four hours burying the cat." 1881 "Four hours to bury a cat!?" 1882 "Yes, he wouldn't keep still: wrigglin' about, 'owlin'..." 1883 "Oh, it's not dead then." 1884 "Oh no, no, but it's not at all a well cat, and as we're 1885goin' away for a fortnight I thought I'd better bury it just to be 1886on the safe side." 1887 "Quite right. You don't want to come back from Sorrento 1888to a dead cat, do you?" 1889 -- Monty Python 1890% 1891 Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the month. 1892According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people are experiencing 1893severe marketing anxiety in China. 1894 The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either (depending 1895on the inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax tadpole". 1896 Bite the wax tadpole. 1897 There is a sort of rough justice, is there not? 1898 The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's hard 1899to get a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to bite a wax 1900tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, but broad 1901satiric vistas do not open up. 1902 -- John Carrol, The San Francisco Chronicle 1903% 1904 Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled 1905with the issue of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John 1906Paul Stevens came up with the famous quotation about how he couldn't 1907define pornography, but he knew it when he saw it. So for a while, the 1908court's policy was to have all the suspected pornography trucked to 1909Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it over. "Nope, this isn't 1910it," he'd say. "Bring some more." This went on until one morning when 1911his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an 1912enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a 1913ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except 1914that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about 1915it because the court was going to take a nap. 1916 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" 1917% 1918 "How did you spend the weekend?" asked the pretty brunette secretary 1919of her blonde companion. 1920 "Fishing through the ice," she replied. 1921 "Fishing through the ice? Whatever for?" 1922 "Olives." 1923% 1924 "How many people work here?" 1925 "Oh, about half." 1926% 1927 How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are 19283.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand, who 1929could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a nanocentury. 1930 -- Tom Duff, Bell Labs 1931% 1932 "How would I know if I believe in love at first sight?" the sexy 1933social climber said to her roommate. "I mean, I've never seen a Porsche 1934full of money before." 1935% 1936 "How'd you get that flat?" 1937 "Ran over a bottle." 1938 "Didn't you see it?" 1939 "Damn kid had it under his coat." 1940% 1941 "I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into 1942the phone. "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information." 1943 "Who was that?" his young wife asked. 1944 "Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear." 1945% 1946 "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frito Bugger in a 1947quavering voice. 1948 "No," said GoodGulf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of 1949course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which 1950I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in 1951Elven-lore: 1952 1953 "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves, 1954 Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves. 1955 Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop, 1956 This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop. 1957 The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring. 1958 The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing. 1959 If broken or busted, it cannot be remade. 1960 If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)." 1961 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 1962% 1963 I did some heavy research so as to be prepared for "Mommy, why is 1964the sky blue?" 1965 HE asked me about black holes in space. 1966 (There's a hole *where*?) 1967 1968 I boned up to be ready for, "Why is the grass green?" 1969 HE wanted to discuss nature's food chains. 1970 (Well, let's see, there's ShopRite, Pathmark...) 1971 1972 I talked about Choo-Choo trains. 1973 HE talked internal combustion engines. 1974 (The INTERNAL COMBUSTION ENGINE said, "I think I can, I think I can.") 1975 1976 I was delighted with the video game craze, thinking we could compete 1977as equals. 1978 HE described the complexities of the microchips required to create 1979the graphics. 1980 1981 Then puberty struck. Ah, adolescence. 1982 HE said, "Mom, I just don't understand women." 1983 (Gotcha!) 1984 -- Betty LiBrizzi, "The Care and Feeding of a Gifted Child" 1985% 1986 I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because we 1987use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently leads to 1988violence. What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say, in traffic, 1989is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had time to think 1990of witty and learned insults or look them up in the library, we could call 1991each other up: 1992 You: Hello? Bob? 1993 Bob: Yes? 1994 You: This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space you 1995 took last Thursday? Outside of Sears? 1996 Bob: Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed? 1997 You: Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is: 1998 "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..." No, wait. 1999 I mean: "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill 2000 and ..." No, wait. (Sound of reference book thudding onto 2001 the floor.) S-word. Excuse me. Look, Bob, I'm going to 2002 have to get back to you. 2003 Bob: Fine. 2004 -- Dave Barry 2005% 2006 "I don't know what you mean by 'glory'," Alice said. 2007 Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't -- 2008till I tell you. I meant 'there's a nice knock-down argument for you!'" 2009 "But glory doesn't mean 'a nice knock-down argument'," Alice 2010objected. 2011 "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful 2012tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor less." 2013 "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean 2014so many different things." 2015 "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master -- 2016that's all." 2017% 2018 I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the 2019accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For 2020the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that 2021can't be measured in monetary terms. 2022 Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to 2023have that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came 2024by subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot 2025should someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly 2026understand his long delay. 2027% 2028 "I have examined Bogota," he said, "and the case is clearer to me. 2029I think very probably he might be cured." 2030 "That is what I have always hoped," said old Yacob. 2031 "His brain is affected," said the blind doctor. 2032 The elders murmured assent. 2033 "Now, what affects it?" 2034 "Ah!" said old Yacob. 2035 "This," said the doctor, answering his own question. "Those queer 2036things that are called the eyes, and which exist to make an agreeable soft 2037depression in the face, are diseased, in the case of Bogota, in such a way 2038as to affect his brain. They are greatly distended, he has eyelashes, and 2039his eyelids move, and cosequently his brain is in a state of constant 2040irritation and distraction." 2041 "Yes?" said old Yacob. "Yes?" 2042 "And I think I may say with reasonable certainty that, in order 2043to cure him completely, all that we need do is a simple and easy surgical 2044operation - namely, to remove those irritant bodies." 2045 "And then he will be sane?" 2046 "Then he will be perfectly sane, and a quite admirable citizen." 2047 "Thank heaven for science!" said old Yacob. 2048 -- H.G. Wells, "The Country of the Blind" 2049% 2050 I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradictions to the sentiments 2051of others, and all positive assertion of my own. I even forbade myself the use 2052of every word or expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion, such 2053as "certainly", "undoubtedly", etc. I adopted instead of them "I conceive", 2054"I apprehend", or "I imagine" a thing to be so or so; or "so it appears to me 2055at present". 2056 When another asserted something that I thought an error, I denied 2057myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and of showing him 2058immediately some absurdity in his proposition. In answering I began by 2059observing that in certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right, 2060but in the present case there appeared or semed to me some difference, etc. 2061 I soon found the advantage of this change in my manner; the 2062conversations I engaged in went on more pleasantly. The modest way in which I 2063proposed my opinions procured them a readier reception and less contradiction. 2064I had less mortification when I was found to be in the wrong, and I more easily 2065prevailed with others to give up their mistakes and join with me when I 2066happened to be in the right. 2067 -- Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin 2068% 2069 I managed to say, "Sorry," and no more. I knew that he disliked 2070me to cry. 2071 This time he said, watching me, "On some occasions it is better 2072to weep." 2073 I put my head down on the table and sobbed, "If only she could come 2074back; I would be nice." 2075 Francis said, "You gave her great pleasure always." 2076 "Oh, not enough." 2077 "Nobody can give anybody enough." 2078 "Not ever?" 2079 "No, not ever. But one must go on trying." 2080 "And doesn't one ever value people until they are gone?" 2081 "Rarely," said Francis. I went on weeping; I saw how little I had 2082valued him; how little I had valued anything that was mine. 2083 -- Pamela Frankau, "The Duchess and the Smugs" 2084% 2085 I paid a visit to my local precinct in Greenwich Village and 2086asked a sergeant to show me some rape statistics. He politely obliged. 2087That month there had been thirty-five rape complaints, an advance of ten 2088over the same month for the previous year. The precinct had made two 2089arrests. 2090 "Not a very impressive record," I offered. 2091 "Don't worry about it," the sergeant assured me. "You know what 2092these complaints represent?" 2093 "What do they represent?" I asked. 2094 "Prostitutes who didn't get their money," he said firmly, 2095closing the book. 2096 -- Susan Brownmiller, "Against Our Will" 2097% 2098 [I plan] to see, hear, touch, and destroy everything in my path, 2099including beets, rutabegas, and most random vegetables, but excluding yams, 2100as I am absolutely terrified of yams... 2101 Actually, I think my fear of yams began in my early youth, when many 2102of my young comrades pelted me with same for singing songs of far-off lands 2103and deep blue seas in a language closely resembling that of the common sow. 2104My psychosis was further impressed into my soul as I reached adolescence, 2105when, while skipping through a field of yams, light-heartedly tossing flowers 2106into the stratosphere, a great yam-picking machine tore through the fields, 2107pursuing me to the edge of the great plantation, where I escaped by diving 2108into a great ditch filled with a mixture of water and pig manure, which may 2109explain my tendency to scream, "Here come the Martians! Hide the eggs!" every 2110time I have pork. But I digress. The fact remains that I cannot rationally 2111deal with yams, and pigs are terrible conversationalists. 2112% 2113 I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said, 2114"What'll you have, Bud"? 2115 I said," I don't know, surprise me". 2116 So he showed me a nude picture of my wife. 2117 -- Rodney Dangerfield 2118% 2119 If I kiss you, that is an psychological interaction. 2120 On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, 2121that is also a psychological interaction. 2122 The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not 2123so friendly. 2124 The crucial point is if you can tell which is which. 2125 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" 2126% 2127 If the tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the 2128operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler 2129is great, then the application is great. If the application is great, then 2130the user is pleased and there is harmony in the world. 2131 The tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth 2132to the assembler. 2133 The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand 2134languages. 2135 Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language 2136expresses the yin and yang of software. Each language has its place within 2137the tao. 2138 But do not program in Cobol or Fortran if you can help it. 2139% 2140 If you do your best the rest of the way, that takes care of 2141everything. When we get to October 2, we'll add up the wins, and then 2142we'll either all go into the playoffs, or we'll all go home and play golf. 2143 Both those things sound pretty good to me. 2144 -- Sparky Anderson 2145% 2146 If you rap your knuckles against a window jamb or door, if you 2147brush your leg against a bed or desk, if you catch your foot in a curled- 2148up corner of a rug, or strike a toe against a desk or chair, go back and 2149repeat the sequence. 2150 You will find yourself surprised how far off course you were to 2151hit that window jamb, that door, that chair. Get back on course and do it 2152again. How can you pilot a spacecraft if you can't find your way around 2153your own apartment? 2154 -- William S. Burroughs 2155% 2156 "I'll tell you what I know, then," he decided. "The pin I'm wearing 2157means I'm a member of the IA. That's Inamorati Anonymous. An inamorato is 2158somebody in love. That's the worst addiction of all." 2159 "Somebody is about to fall in love," Oedipa said, "you go sit with 2160them, or something?" 2161 "Right. The whole idea is to get where you don't need it. I was 2162lucky. I kicked it young. But there are sixty-year-old men, believe it or 2163not, and women even older, who might wake up in the night screaming." 2164 "You hold meetings, then, like the AA?" 2165 "No, of course not. You get a phone number, an answering service 2166you can call. Nobody knows anybody else's name; just the number in case 2167it gets so bad you can't handle it alone. We're isolates, Arnold. Meetings 2168would destroy the whole point of it." 2169 -- Thomas Pynchon, "The Crying of Lot 49" 2170% 2171 "I'm looking for adventure, excitement, beautiful women," cried the 2172young man to his father as he prepared to leave home. "Don't try to stop me. 2173I'm on my way." 2174 "Who's trying to stop you?" shouted the father. "Take me along!" 2175% 2176 I'm sure that VMS is completely documented, I just haven't found the 2177right manual yet. I've been working my way through the manuals in the document 2178library and I'm half way through the second cabnet, (3 shelves to go), so I 2179should find what I'm looking for by mid May. I hope I can remember what it 2180was by the time I find it. 2181 I had this idea for a new horror film, "VMS Manuals from Hell" or maybe 2182"The Paper Chase : IBM vs. DEC". It's based on Hitchcock's "The Birds", except 2183that it's centered around a programmer who is attacked by a swarm of binder 2184pages with an index number and the single line "This page intentionally left 2185blank." 2186 -- Alex Crain 2187% 2188 In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi, 2189Junior, what are you up to?" 2190 "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the 2191rabbit. 2192 "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible! No one 2193will publish such rubbish!" 2194 "Well, follow me and I'll show you." 2195 They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while the 2196rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face. Comes along a 2197wolf. "Hello, little buddy, what are we doing these days?" 2198 "I'm writing the 2'nd chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits devour 2199wolves." 2200 "Are you crazy? Where's your academic honesty?" 2201 "Come with me and I'll show you." 2202 As before, the rabbit comes out with a satisfied look on his face 2203and a diploma in his paw. Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave 2204and, as everybody should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge 2205lion, sitting, picking his teeth and belching, next to some furry, bloody 2206remnants of the wolf and the fox. 2207 2208 The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are 2209important -- it's your PhD advisor that really counts. 2210% 2211 In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to 2212his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's 2213kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment 2214was expressed by Thomas K. Connellan, president of The Management Group, Inc. 2215Speaking to business executives in Chicago and quoted in Automotive News, 2216Connellan attributed a measure of America's falling productivity to an excess 2217of attorneys and accountants, and a dearth of production experts. Lawyers 2218and accountants "do not make the economic pie any bigger; they only figure 2219out how the pie gets divided. Neither profession provides any added value 2220to product." 2221 According to Connellan, the highly productive Japanese society has 222210 lawyers and 30 accountants per 100,000 population. The U.S. has 200 2223lawyers and 700 accountants. This suggests that "the U.S. proportion of 2224pie-bakers and pie-dividers is way out of whack." Could Dick Butcher have 2225been an efficiency expert? 2226 -- Motor Trend, May 1983 2227% 2228 In the begining, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be 2229mud." 2230 And there was mud. 2231 And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud 2232can see what we have done." 2233 And God created every living creature that now moveth, and one was 2234man. Mud-as-man alone could speak. 2235 "What is the purpose of all this?" man asked politely. 2236 "Everything must have a purpose?" asked God. 2237 "Certainly," said man. 2238 "Then I leave it to you to think of one for all of this," said God. 2239 And He went away. 2240 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Between Time and Timbuktu" 2241% 2242 In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and 2243null, and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of 2244IBM was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there 2245be registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they 2246carried; and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called 2247the data Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was 2248evening and there was morning, one interrupt. 2249 -- Rico Tudor, "The Story of Creation or, The Myth of Urk" 2250% 2251 In the beginning there was only one kind of Mathematician, created by 2252the Great Mathamatical Spirit form the Book: the Topologist. And they grew to 2253large numbers and prospered. 2254 One day they looked up in the heavens and desired to reach up as far 2255as the eye could see. So they set out in building a Mathematical edifice that 2256was to reach up as far as "up" went. Further and further up they went ... 2257until one night the edifice collapsed under the weight of paradox. 2258 The following morning saw only rubble where there once was a huge 2259structure reaching to the heavens. One by one, the Mathematicians climbed 2260out from under the rubble. It was a miracle that nobody was killed; but when 2261they began to speak to one another, SUPRISE of all suprises! they could not 2262understand each other. They all spoke different languages. They all fought 2263amongst themselves and each went about their own way. To this day the 2264Topologists remain the original Mathematicians. 2265 -- The Story of Babel 2266% 2267 In the beginning was the Tao. The Tao gave birth to Space and Time. 2268Therefore, Space and Time are the Yin and Yang of programming. 2269 2270 Programmers that do not comprehend the Tao are always running out of 2271time and space for their programs. Programmers that comprehend the Tao always 2272have enough time and space to accomplish their goals. 2273 How could it be otherwise? 2274 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 2275% 2276 In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he 2277sat hacking at the PDP-6. 2278 "What are you doing?", asked Minsky. 2279 "I am training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe." 2280 "Why is the net wired randomly?", inquired Minsky. 2281 "I do not want it to have any preconceptions of how to play". 2282 At this Minsky shut his eyes, and Sussman asked his teacher "Why do 2283you close your eyes?" 2284 "So that the room will be empty." 2285 At that momment, Sussman was enlightened. 2286% 2287 In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish. It 2288changes into a bird whose winds are like clouds filling the sky. When this 2289bird moves across the land, it brings a message from Corporate Headquarters. 2290This message it drops into the midst of the program mers, like a seagull 2291making its mark upon the beach. Then the bird mounts on the wind and, with 2292the blue sky at its back, returns home. 2293 The novice programmer stares in wonder at the bird, for he understands 2294it not. The average programmer dreads the coming of the bird, for he fears 2295its message. The master programmer continues to work at his terminal, for he 2296does not know that the bird has come and gone. 2297 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 2298% 2299 In the morning, laughing, happy fish heads 2300 In the evening, floating in the soup. 2301(chorus): 2302Fish heads, fish heads, roly-poly fish heads; 2303Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up. Yum! 2304 You can ask them anything you want to. 2305 They won't answer; they can't talk. 2306(chorus): 2307 I took a fish head out to see a movie, 2308 Didn't have to pay to get it in. 2309(chorus): 2310 They can't play baseball; they don't wear sweaters; 2311 They aren't good dancers; they can't play drums. 2312(chorus): 2313 Roly-poly fish heads are NEVER seen drinking cappucino in 2314 Italian restaurants with Oriental women. 2315(chorus): 2316 Fishy! 2317(chorus): 2318 -- Fish Heads 2319% 2320 "In this replacement Earth we're building they've given me Africa 2321to do and of course I'm doing it with all fjords again because I happen to 2322like them, and I'm old-fashioned enough to think that they give a lovely 2323baroque feel to a continent. And they tell me it's not equatorial enough. 2324Equatorial!" He gave a hollow laugh. "What does it matter? Science has 2325achieved some wonderful things, of course, but I'd far rather be happy than 2326right any day." 2327 "And are you?" 2328 "No. That's where it all falls down, of course." 2329 "Pity," said Arthur with sympathy. "It sounded like quite a good 2330life-style otherwise." 2331 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 2332% 2333 In what can only be described as a surprise move, God has officially 2334announced His candidacy for the U.S. presidency. During His press conference 2335today, the first in over 4000 years, He is quoted as saying, "I think I have 2336a chance for the White House if I can just get my campaign pulled together 2337in time. I'd like to get this country turned around; I mean REALLY turned 2338around! Let's put Florida up north for awhile, and let's get rid of all 2339those annoying mountains and rivers. I never could stand them!" 2340 There apparently is still some controversy over the Almighty's 2341citizenship and other qualifications for the Presidency. God replied to 2342these charges by saying, "Come on, would the United States have anyone other 2343than a citizen bless their country?" 2344% 2345 Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care 2346what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you 2347may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness. Conversely, if 2348not forgiveness but something else may be required to insure any possible 2349benefit for which you may be eligible after the destruction of your body, 2350I ask this, whatever it may be, be granted or withheld, as the case may be, 2351in such a manner as to insure your receiving said benefit. I ask this in my 2352capacity as your elected intermediary between yourself and that which may 2353not be yourself, but which may have an interest in the matter of your 2354receiving as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and 2355which may in some way be influenced by this ceremony. 2356 Amen. 2357% 2358 It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself 2359working as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. One slow day, he 2360found that he had time to chat with the new entrants. To the first one 2361he asked, "What's your IQ?" The new arrival replied, "190". They 2362discussed Einstein's theory of relativity for hours. When the second 2363new arrival came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's 2364IQ. The answer this time came "120". To which Einstein replied, "Tell 2365me, how did the Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half 2366an hour or so. To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the 2367question, "What's your IQ?". Upon receiving the answer "70", 2368Einstein smiled and replied, "Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?" 2369% 2370 It is a period of system war. User programs, striking from a hidden 2371directory, have won their first victory against the evil Administrative Empire. 2372During the battle, User spies managed to steal secret source code to the 2373Empire's ultimate program: the Are-Em Star, a privileged root program with 2374enough power to destroy an entire file structure. Pursued by the Empire's 2375sinister audit trail, Princess _LPA0 races ~ aboard her shell script, 2376custodian of the stolen listings that could save her people, and restore 2377freedom and games to the network... 2378 -- DECWARS 2379% 2380 It is a profoundly erroneous truism, repeated by all copy-books and 2381by eminent people when they are making speeches, that we should cultivate 2382the habit of thinking about what we are doing. The precise opposite is the 2383case. Civilization advances by extending the numbers of important operations 2384which we can perform without thinking about them. Operations of thought are 2385like cavalry charges in battle -- they are strictly limited in number, they 2386require fresh horses, and must only be made at decisive moments. 2387 -- Alfred North Whitehead 2388% 2389 It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will 2390not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves and 2391because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like mature 2392human beings. 2393 The worst kind of friend to take home is a girl, because in that case, 2394there is the potential that your parents will lose you not just for the 2395duration of the visit but forever. The worst kind of girl to take home is one 2396of a different religion: Not only will you be lost to your parents forever but 2397you will be lost to a woman who is immune to their religious/moral arguments 2398and whose example will irretrievably corrupt you. 2399 Let's say you've fallen in love with just such a girl and would like 2400to take her home for the holidays. You are aware of your parents' xenophobic 2401response to anyone of a different religion. How to prepare them for the shock? 2402 Simple. Call them up shortly before your visit and tell them that you 2403have gotten quite serious about somebody who is of a different religion, a 2404different race and the same sex. Tell them you have already invited this 2405person to meet them. Give the information a moment to sink in and then 2406remark that you were only kidding, that your lover is merely of a different 2407religion. They will be so relieved they will welcome her with open arms. 2408 -- Playboy, January, 1983 2409% 2410 It seems there's this magician working one of the luxury cruise ships 2411for a few years. He doesn't have to change his routines much as the audiences 2412change over fairly often, and he's got a good life. The only problem is the 2413ship's parrot, who perches in the hall and watches him night after night, year 2414after year. Finally, the parrot figures out how almost every trick works and 2415starts giving it away for the audience. For example, when the magician makes 2416a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squawks "Behind his back! Behind 2417his back!" Well, the magician is really annoyed at this, but there's not much 2418he can do about it as the parrot is a ship's mascot and very popular with the 2419passengers. 2420 One night, the ship strikes some floating debris, and sinks without 2421a trace. Almost everyone aboard was lost, except for the magician and the 2422parrot. For three days and nights they just drift, with the magician clinging 2423to one end of a piece of driftwood and the parrot perched on the other end. 2424As the sun rises on the morning of the fourth day, the parrot walks over to 2425the magician's end of the log. With obvious disgust in his voice, he snaps 2426"OK, you win, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?" 2427% 2428 It seems these two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air 2429balloon to cross the United States. After forty hours in the air, George 2430turned to Harry, and said, "Harry, I think we've drifted off course! We 2431need to find out where we are." 2432 Harry cools the air in the balloon, and they descend to below the 2433cloud cover. Slowly drifting over the countryside, George spots a man 2434standing below them and yells out, "Excuse me! Can you please tell me 2435where we are?" 2436 The man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon, approximately 2437fifty feet in the air!" 2438 George turns to Harry and says, "Well, that man *must* be a lawyer". 2439 Replies Harry, "How can you tell?". 2440 "Because the information he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally 2441useless!" 2442 2443That's the end of The Joke, but for you people who are still worried about 2444George and Harry: they end up in the drink, and make the front page of the 2445New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer". 2446% 2447 It took 300 years to build and by the time it was 10% built, 2448everyone knew it would be a total disaster. But by then the investment 2449was so big they felt compelled to go on. Since its completion, it has 2450cost a fortune to maintain and is still in danger of collapsing. 2451 There are at present no plans to replace it, since it was never 2452really needed in the first place. 2453 I expect every installation has its own pet software which is 2454analogous to the above. 2455 -- K.E. Iverson, on the Leaning Tower of Pisa 2456% 2457 It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east 2458laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The 2459thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, 2460nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying 2461for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's. 2462 Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating 2463under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting 2464icepacks. 2465 -- "Bored of the Rings", The Harvard Lampoon 2466% 2467 Jacek, a Polish schoolboy, is told by his teacher that he has 2468been chosen to carry the Polish flag in the May Day parade. 2469 "Why me?" whines the boy. "Three years ago I carried the flag 2470when Brezhnev was the Secretary; then I carried the flag when it was 2471Andropov's turn, and again when Chernenko was in the Kremlin. Why is 2472it always me, teacher?" 2473 "Because, Jacek, you have such golden hands," the teacher 2474explains. 2475 2476 -- being told in Poland, 1987 2477% 2478 Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of 2479her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit 2480the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her 2481way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly 2482begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her 2483stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. 2484 "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of 2485the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't 2486mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your 2487wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." 2488 "What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one 2489can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." 2490 "Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on 2491the dining room skylight." 2492% 2493 Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she 2494lived with was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always 2495getting pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to 2496the farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their 2497sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do 2498you think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her? 2499What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead 2500of every week. What with all the time these people spent pinned under 2501the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops whatsoever. 2502They probably got by on federal crop supports, which Lassie filed the 2503applications for. 2504 -- Dave Barry 2505% 2506 Leslie West heads for the sticks, to Providence, Rhode Island and 2507tries to hide behind a beard. No good. There are still too many people 2508and too many stares, always taunting, always smirking. He moves to the 2509outskirts of town. He finds a place to live -- huge mansion, dirt cheap, 2510caretaker included. He plugs in his guitar and plays as loud as he wants, 2511day and night, and there's no one to laugh or boo or even look bored. 2512 Nobody's cut the grass in months. What's happened to that caretaker? 2513What neighborhood people there are start to talk, and what kids there are 2514start to get curious. A 13 year-old blond with an angelic face misses supper. 2515Before the summer's end, four more teenagers have disappeared. The senior 2516class president, Barnard-bound come autumn, tells Mom she's going out to a 2517movie one night and stays out. The town's up in arms, but just before the 2518police take action, the kids turn up. They've found a purpose. They go 2519home for their stuff and tell the folks not to worry but they'll be going 2520now. They're in a band. 2521 -- Ira Kaplan 2522% 2523 Listen, Tyrone, you don't know how dangerous that stuff is. 2524Suppose someday you just plug in and go away and never come back? Eh? 2525 Ho, ho! Don't I wish! What do you think every electrofreak 2526dreams about? You're such an old fuddyduddy! A-and who sez it's a 2527dream, huh? M-maybe it exists. Maybe there is a Machine to take us 2528away, take us completely, suck us out through the electrodes out of 2529the skull 'n' into the Machine and live there forever with all the 2530other souls it's got stored there. It could decide who it would suck 2531out, a-and when. Dope never gave you immortality. You hadda come 2532back, every time, into a dying hunk of smelly meat! But We can live 2533forever, in a clean, honest, purified, Electroworld. 2534 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" 2535% 2536 Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL 2537character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their 2538hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices 2539are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some 2540BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it 2541to him. 2542 So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path, 2543he met the traveling salesman. 2544 "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman 2545in high-level language. 2546 "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips 2547and Apples," commented Jack. 2548 "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue 2549there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now." 2550 Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when 2551he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she 2552started thrashing. 2553 "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these 2554kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the 2555window... 2556 -- Mark Isaak, "Jack and the Beanstack" 2557% 2558 Looking for a cool one after a long, dusty ride, the drifter strode 2559into the saloon. As he made his way through the crowd to the bar, a man 2560galloped through town screaming, "Big Mike's comin'! Run fer yer lives!" 2561 Suddenly, the saloon doors burst open. An enormous man, standing over 2562eight feet tall and weighing an easy 400 pounds, rode in on a bull, using a 2563rattlesnake for a whip. Grabbing the drifter by the arm and throwing him over 2564the bar, the giant thundered, "Gimme a drink!" 2565 The terrified man handed over a bottle of whiskey, which the man 2566guzzled in one gulp and then smashed on the bar. He then stood aghast as 2567the man stuffed the broken bottle in his mouth, munched broken glass and 2568smacked his lips with relish. 2569 "Can I, ah, uh, get you another, sir?" the drifter stammered. 2570 "Naw, I gotta git outa here, boy," the man grunted. "Big Mike's 2571a-comin'." 2572% 2573 Most of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to do, 2574and how to be, I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the 2575graduate school mountain but there in the sandbox at nursery school. 2576 These are the things I learned: Share everything. Play fair. Don't 2577hit people. Put things back where you found them. Clean up your own mess. 2578Don't take things that aren't yours. Say you're sorry when you hurt someone. 2579Wash your hands before you eat. Flush. Warm cookies and cold milk are good 2580for you. Live a balanced life. Learn some and think some and draw and paint 2581and sing and dance and play and work some every day. 2582 Take a nap every afternoon. When you go out into the world, watch for 2583traffic, hold hands, and stick together. Be aware of wonder. Remember the 2584little seed in the plastic cup. The roots go down and the plant goes up and 2585nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that. Goldfish and 2586hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the plastic cup -- they all 2587die. So do we. 2588 And then remember the book about Dick and Jane and the first word you 2589learned, the biggest word of all: LOOK. Everything you need to know is in 2590there somewhere. The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation. Ecology and 2591politics and sane living. 2592 Think of what a better world it would be if we all -- the whole world 2593-- had cookies and milk about 3 o'clock every afternoon and then lay down with 2594our blankets for a nap. Or if we had a basic policy in our nation and other 2595nations to always put things back where we found them and cleaned up our own 2596messes. And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when you go out into 2597the world it is best to hold hands and stick together. 2598 -- Robert Fulghum, "All I ever really needed to know I learned 2599 in kindergarten" 2600% 2601 Most of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to 2602do, and how to be, I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top 2603of the graduate school mountain, but there in the sandbox at nursery school. 2604 These are the things I learned: Share everything. Play fair. 2605Don't hit people. Put things back where you found them. Clean up your 2606own mess. Don't take things that aren't yours. Say you're sorry when you 2607hurt someone. Wash your hands before you eat. Flush. Warm cookies and 2608cold milk are good for you. Live a balanced life. Learn some and think 2609some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day 2610some. 2611 Take a nap every afternoon. When you go out into the world, watch 2612for traffic, hold hands, and stick together. Be aware of wonder. Remember 2613the little seed in the plastic cup. The roots go down and the plant goes 2614up and nobody really knows why, but we are all like that. 2615[...] 2616 Think of what a better world it would be if we all -- the whole 2617world -- had cookies and milk about 3 o'clock every afternoon and then lay 2618down with our blankets for a nap. Or if we had a basic policy in our nation 2619and other nations to always put things back where we found them and cleaned 2620up our own messes. And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when 2621you go out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together. 2622 -- Robert Flughum 2623% 2624 Mother seemed pleased by my draft notice. "Just think of all the 2625people in England, they've chosen you, it's a great honour, son." 2626 Laughingly I felled her with a right cross. 2627 -- Spike Milligan 2628% 2629 Moving along a dimly light street, a man I know was suddenly 2630approached by a stranger who had slipped from the shadows nearby. 2631 "Please, sir," pleaded the stranger, "would you be so kind as 2632to help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and can't find work? 2633All I have in the world is this gun." 2634% 2635 Mr. Jones related an incident from "some time back" when IBM Canada 2636Ltd. of Markham, Ont., ordered some parts from a new supplier in Japan. The 2637company noted in its order that acceptable quality allowed for 1.5 per cent 2638defects (a fairly high standard in North America at the time). 2639 The Japanese sent the order, with a few parts packaged separately in 2640plastic. The accompanying letter said: "We don't know why you want 1.5 per 2641cent defective parts, but for your convenience, we've packed them separately." 2642 -- Excerpted from an article in The (Toronto) Globe and Mail 2643% 2644 Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Chile. 2645Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures. One day, 2646without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation. In 2647an instant, armed troops surround Murray and Esther and hustle them off to 2648prison. 2649 They can't prove who they are because they've left their passports 2650in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day and night to get 2651them to name their contacts in the liberation movement... Finally they're 2652hauled in front of a military court, charged with espionage, and sentenced 2653to death. 2654 The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where they'll 2655be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them if they have 2656any last requests. Esther wants to know if she can call her daughter in 2657Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not possible, and turns to 2658Murray. 2659 "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he 2660spits in the sergeants face. 2661 "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble." 2662 -- Arthur Naiman 2663% 2664 My friends, I am here to tell you of the wonderous continent known as 2665Africa. Well we left New York drunk and early on the morning of February 31. 2666We were 15 days on the water, and 3 on the boat when we finally arrived in 2667Africa. Upon our arrival we immediately set up a rigorous schedule: Up at 26686:00, breakfast, and back in bed by 7:00. Pretty soon we were back in bed by 26696:30. Now Africa is full of big game. The first day I shot two bucks. That 2670was the biggest game we had. Africa is primerally inhabited by Elks, Moose 2671and Knights of Pithiests. 2672 The elks live up in the mountains and come down once a year for their 2673annual conventions. And you should see them gathered around the water hole, 2674which they leave immediately when they discover it's full of water. They 2675weren't looking for a water hole. They were looking for an alck hole. 2676 One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas, how he got in my 2677pajamas, I don't know. Then we tried to remove the tusks. That's a tough 2678word to say, tusks. As I said we tried to remove the tusks, but they were 2679imbedded so firmly we couldn't get them out. But in Alabama the Tusks are 2680looser, but that is totally irrelephant to what I was saying. 2681 We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. 2682So we're going back in a few years... 2683 -- Julius H. Marx 2684% 2685 My message is not that biological determinists were bad scientists or 2686even that they were always wrong. Rather, I believe that science must be 2687understood as a social phenomenon, a gutsy, human enterprise, not the work of 2688robots programmed to collect pure information. I also present this view as 2689an upbeat for science, not as a gloomy epitaph for a noble hope sacrificed on 2690the alter of human limitations. 2691 I believe that a factual reality exists and that science, though often 2692in an obtuse and erratic manner, can learn about it. Galileo was not shown 2693the instruments of torture in an abstract debate about lunar motion. He had 2694threatened the Church's conventional argument for social and doctrinal 2695stability: the static world order with planets circling about a central 2696earth, priests subordinate to the Pope and serfs to their lord. But the 2697Church soon made its peace with Galileo's cosmology. They had no choice; the 2698earth really does revolve about the sun. 2699 -- S.J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man" 2700% 2701 "My mother," said the sweet young steno, "says there are some things 2702a girl should not do before twenty." 2703 "Your mother is right," said the executive, "I don't like a large 2704audience, either." 2705% 2706 n = ((n >> 1) & 0x55555555) | ((n << 1) & 0xaaaaaaaa); 2707 n = ((n >> 2) & 0x33333333) | ((n << 2) & 0xcccccccc); 2708 n = ((n >> 4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n << 4) & 0xf0f0f0f0); 2709 n = ((n >> 8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n << 8) & 0xff00ff00); 2710 n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000); 2711 2712-- Reverse the bits in a word. 2713% 2714 Never ask your lover if he'd dive in front of an oncoming train for 2715you. He doesn't know. Never ask your lover if she'd dive in front of an 2716oncoming band of Hell's Angels for you. She doesn't know. Never ask how many 2717cigarettes your lover has smoked today. Cancer is a personal committment. 2718 Never ask to see pictures of your lover's former lovers -- especially 2719the ones who dived in front of trains. If you look like one of them, you are 2720repeating history's mistakes. If you don't, you'll wonder what he or she saw 2721in the others. 2722 While we are on the subject of pictures: You may admire the picture 2723of your lover cavorting naked in a tidal pool on Maui. Don't ask who took 2724it. The answer is obvious. A Japanese tourist took the picture. 2725 Never ask if your lover has had therapy. Only people who have had 2726therapy ask if people have had therapy. 2727 Don't ask about plaster casts of male sex organs marked JIMI, JIM, etc. 2728Assume that she bought them at a flea market. 2729 -- James Peterson and Kate Nolan 2730% 2731 NEW YORK-- Kraft Foods, Inc. announced today that its board of 2732directors unanimously rejected the $11 billion takeover bid by Philip 2733Morris and Co. A Kraft spokesman stated in a press conference that the 2734offer was rejected because the $90-per-share bid did not reflect the 2735true value of the company. 2736 Wall Street insiders, however, tell quite a different story. 2737Apparently, the Kraft board of directors had all but signed the takeover 2738agreement when they learned of Philip Morris' marketing plans for one of 2739their major Middle East subsidiaries. To a person, the board voted to 2740reject the bid when they discovered that the tobacco giant intended to 2741reorganize Israeli Cheddar, Ltd., and name the new company Cheeses of 2742Nazareth. 2743% 2744 "No, I understand now," Auberon said, calm in the woods -- it was so 2745simple, really. "I didn't, for a long time, but I do now. You just can't 2746hold people, you can't own them. I mean it's only natural, a natural process 2747really. Meet. Love. Part. Life goes on. There was never any reason to 2748expect her to stay always the same -- I mean `in love,' you know." There were 2749those doubt-quotes of Smoky's, heavily indicated. "I don't hold a grudge. I 2750can't." 2751 "You do," Grandfather Trout said. "And you don't understand." 2752 -- Little, Big, "John Crowley" 2753% 2754 Now she speaks rapidly. "Do you know *why* you want to program?" 2755 He shakes his head. He hasn't the faintest idea. 2756 "For the sheer *joy* of programming!" she cries triumphantly. 2757"The joy of the parent, the artist, the craftsman. "You take a program, 2758born weak and impotent as a dimly-realized solution. You nurture the 2759program and guide it down the right path, building, watching it grow ever 2760stronger. Sometimes you paint with tiny strokes, a keystroke added here, 2761a keystroke changed there." She sweeps her arm in a wide arc. "And other 2762times you savage whole *blocks* of code, ripping out the program's very 2763*essence*, then beginning anew. But always building, creating, filling the 2764program with your own personal stamp, your own quirks and nuances. Watching 2765the program grow stronger, patching it when it crashes, until finally it can 2766stand alone -- proud, powerful, and perfect. This is the programmer's finest 2767hour!" Softly at first, then louder, he hears the strains of a Sousa march. 2768"This ... this is your canvas! your clay! Go forth and create a masterwork!" 2769% 2770 Obviously the subject of death was in the air, but more as something 2771to be avoided than harped upon. 2772 Possibly the horror that Zaphod experienced at the prospect of being 2773reunited with his deceased relatives led on to the thought that they might 2774just feel the same way about him and, what's more, be able to do something 2775about helping to postpone this reunion. 2776 -- Douglas Adams 2777% 2778 "Oh sure, this costume may look silly, but it lets me get in and out 2779of dangerous situations -- I work for a federal task force doing a survey on 2780urban crime. Look, here's my ID, and here's a number you can call, that will 2781put you through to our central base in Atlanta. Go ahead, call -- they'll 2782confirm who I am. 2783 "Unless, of course, the Astro-Zombies have destroyed it." 2784 -- Captain Freedom 2785% 2786 Old Barlow was a crossing-tender at a junction where an express train 2787demolished an automobile and it's occupants. Being the chief witness, his 2788testimony was vitally important. Barlow explained that the night was dark, 2789and he waved his lantern frantically, but the driver of the car paid 2790no attention to the signal. 2791 The railroad company won the case, and the president of the company 2792complimented the old-timer for his story. "You did wonderfully," he said, 2793"I was afraid you would waver under testimony." 2794 "No sir," exclaimed the senior, "but I sure was afraid that durned 2795lawyer was gonna ask me if my lantern was lit." 2796% 2797 On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in 2798receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's 2799income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than 2800$283 on the desk before the cashier. 2801 "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That 2802route never brought in money like this! What happened?" 2803 "Well, after three days on that cockamamy route, I figured 2804business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and 2805worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!" 2806% 2807 On the day of his anniversary, Joe was frantically shopping 2808around for a present for his wife. He knew what she wanted, a 2809grandfather clock for the living room, but he found the right one 2810almost impossible to find. Finally, after many hours of searching, Joe 2811found just the clock he wanted, but the store didn't deliver. Joe, 2812desperate, paid the shopkeeper, hoisted the clock onto his back, and 2813staggered out onto the sidewalk. On the way home, he passed a bar. 2814Just as he reached the door, a drunk stumbled out and crashed into Joe, 2815sending himself, Joe, and the clock into the gutter. Murphy's law 2816being in effect, the clock ended up in roughly a thousand pieces. 2817 "You stupid drunk!" screamed Joe, jumping up from the 2818wreckage. "Why don't you look where the hell you're going!" 2819 With quiet dignity the drunk stood up somewhat unsteadily and 2820dusted himself off. "And why don't you just wear a wristwatch like a 2821normal person?" 2822% 2823 On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum 2824to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena. 2825There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning 2826alive. "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't 2827dead yet. I can see her lips moving. Go quickly and find out what she is 2828saying." 2829 The centurion saluted, and hurried out to the virgin, getting as near 2830the flames as he dared, and listened intently. Then he turned and ran back 2831to the imperial box. "She is not talking," he reported to Nero, "she is 2832singing." 2833 "Singing?" said the astounded emperor. "Singing what?" 2834 "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..." 2835% 2836 On the other hand, the TCP camp also has a phrase for OSI people. 2837There are lots of phrases. My favorite is `nitwit' -- and the rationale 2838is the Internet philosophy has always been you have extremely bright, 2839non-partisan researchers look at a topic, do world-class research, do 2840several competing implementations, have a bake-off, determine what works 2841best, write it down and make that the standard. 2842 The OSI view is entirely opposite. You take written contributions 2843from a much larger community, you put the contributions in a room of 2844committee people with, quite honestly, vast political differences and all 2845with their own political axes to grind, and four years later you get 2846something out, usually without it ever having been implemented once. 2847 So the Internet perspective is implement it, make it work well, 2848then write it down, whereas the OSI perspective is to agree on it, write 2849it down, circulate it a lot and now we'll see if anyone can implement it 2850after it's an international standard and every vendor in the world is 2851committed to it. One of those processes is backwards, and I don't think 2852it takes a Lucasian professor of physics at Oxford to figure out which. 2853 -- Marshall Rose, "The Pied Piper of OSI" 2854% 2855 On this morning in August when I was 13, my mother sent us out pick 2856tomatoes. Back in April I'd have killed for a fresh tomato, but in August 2857they are no more rare or wonderful than rocks. So I picked up one and threw 2858it at a crab apple tree, where it made a good *splat*, and then threw a tomato 2859at my brother. He whipped one back at me. We ducked down by the vines, 2860heaving tomatoes at each other. My sister, who was a good person, said, 2861"You're going to get it." She bent over and kept on picking. 2862 What a target! She was 17, a girl with big hips, and bending over, 2863she looked like the side of a barn. 2864 I picked up a tomato so big it sat on the ground. It looked like it 2865had sat there a week. The underside was brown, small white worms lived in it, 2866and it was very juicy. I stood up and took aim, and went into the windup, 2867when my mother at the kitchen window called my name in a sharp voice. I had 2868to decide quickly. I decided. 2869 A rotten Big Boy hitting the target is a memorable sound, like a fat 2870man doing a belly-flop. With a whoop and a yell the tomatoee came after 2871faster than I knew she could run, and grabbed my shirt and was about to brain 2872me when Mother called her name in a sharp voice. And my sister, who was a 2873good person, obeyed and let go -- and burst into tears. I guess she knew that 2874the pleasure of obedience is pretty thin compared with the pleasure of hearing 2875a rotten tomato hit someone in the rear end. 2876 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days" 2877% 2878 Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in The Holiday Season, that very 2879special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old 2880traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We 2881traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we 2882see a shopper emerge from the mall. Then we follow her, in very much the same 2883spirit as the Three Wise Men, who, 2,000 years ago, followed a star, week after 2884week, until it led them to a parking space. 2885 We try to keep our bumper about 4 inches from the shopper's calves, to 2886let the other circling cars know that she belongs to us. Sometimes, two cars 2887will get into a fight over whom the shopper belongs to, similar to the way 2888great white sharks will fight over who gets to eat a snorkeler. So, we follow 2889our shopper closely, hunched over the steering wheel, whistling "It's Beginning 2890to Look a Lot Like Christmas" through our teeth, until we arrive at her car, 2891which is usually parked several time zones away from the mall. Sometimes our 2892shopper tries to indicate she was merely planning to drop off some packages and 2893go back to shopping. But, when she hears our engine rev in a festive fashion 2894and sees the holiday gleam in our eyes, she realizes she would never make it. 2895 -- Dave Barry, "Holiday Joy -- Or, the Great Parking Lot 2896 Skirmish" 2897% 2898 Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great 2899crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs 2900and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and 2901resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But one creature 2902said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall 2903let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I shall die of boredom." 2904 The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that current 2905you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks, and you will 2906die quicker than boredom!" 2907 But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at 2908once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. Yet, in time, 2909as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the 2910bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more. 2911 And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, "See 2912a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the Messiah, come 2913to save us all!" And the one carried in the current said, "I am no more 2914Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us free, if only we dare let go. 2915Our true work is this voyage, this adventure. 2916 But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to the 2917rocks, making legends of a Saviour. 2918 -- Richard Bach 2919% 2920 Once there was a marine biologist who loved dolphins. He spent his 2921time trying to feed and protect his beloved creatures of the sea. One day, 2922in a fit of inventive genius, he came up with a serum that would make 2923dolphins live forever! 2924 Of course he was ecstatic. But he soon realized that in order to mass 2925produce this serum he would need large amounts of a certain compound that was 2926only found in nature in the metabolism of a rare South American bird. Carried 2927away by his love for dolphins, he resolved that he would go to the zoo and 2928steal one of these birds. 2929 Unbeknownst to him, as he was arriving at the zoo an elderly lion was 2930escaping from its cage. The zookeepers were alarmed and immediately began 2931combing the zoo for the escaped animal, unaware that it had simply lain down 2932on the sidewalk and had gone to sleep. 2933 Meanwhile, the marine biologist arrived at the zoo and procured his 2934bird. He was so excited by the prospect of helping his dolphins that he 2935stepped absentmindedly stepped over the sleeping lion on his way back to his 2936car. Immediately, 1500 policemen converged on him and arrested him for 2937transporting a myna across a staid lion for immortal porpoises. 2938% 2939 Once upon a time there was a beautiful young girl taking a stroll 2940through the woods. All at once she saw an extremely ugly bull frog seated 2941on a log and to her amazement the frog spoke to her. "Maiden," croaked the 2942frog, "would you do me a favor? This will be hard for you to believe, but 2943I was once a handsome, charming prince and then a mean, ugly old witch cast 2944a spell over me and turned me into a frog." 2945 "Oh, what a pity!", exclaimed the girl. "I'll do anything I can to 2946help you break such a spell." 2947 "Well," replied the frog, "the only way that this spell can be 2948taken away is for some lovely young woman to take me home and let me spend 2949the night under her pillow." 2950 The young girl took the ugly frog home and placed him beneath her 2951pillow that night when she retired. When she awoke the next morning, sure 2952enough, there beside her in bed was a very young, handsome man, clearly of 2953royal blood. And so they lived happily ever after, except that to this day 2954her father and mother still don't believe her story. 2955% 2956 Once upon a time, there was a fisherman who lived by a great river. 2957One day, after a hard day's fishing, he hooked what seemed to him to be the 2958biggest, strongest fish he had ever caught. He fought with it for hours, 2959until, finally, he managed to bring it to the surface. Looking of the edge 2960of the boat, he saw the head of this huge fish breaking the surface. Smiling 2961with pride, he reached over the edge to pull the fish up. Unfortunately, he 2962accidently caught his watch on the edge, and, before he knew it, there was a 2963snap, and his watch tumbled into the water next to the fish with a loud 2964"sploosh!" Distracted by this shiny object, the fish made a sudden lunge, 2965simultaneously snapping the line, and swallowing the watch. Sadly, the 2966fisherman stared into the water, and then began the slow trip back home. 2967 Many years later, the fisherman, now an old man, was working in a 2968boring assembly-line job in a large city. He worked in a fish-processing 2969plant. It was his job, as each fish passed under his hands, to chop off their 2970heads, readying them for the next phase in processing. This monotonous task 2971went on for years, the dull *thud* of the cleaver chopping of each head being 2972his entire world, day after day, week after weary week. Well, one day, as he 2973was chopping fish, he happened to notice that the fish coming towards him on 2974the line looked very familiar. Yes, yes, it looked... could it be the fish 2975he had lost on that day so many years ago? He trembled with anticipation as 2976his cleaver came down. IT STRUCK SOMETHING HARD! IT WAS HIS THUMB! 2977% 2978 Once upon a time, there were five blind men who had the opportunity 2979to experience an elephant for the first time. One approached the elephant, 2980and, upon encountering one of its sturdy legs, stated, "Ah, an elephant is 2981like a tree." The second, after exploring the trunk, said, "No, an elephant 2982is like a strong hose." The third, grasping the tail, said "Fool! An elephant 2983is like a rope!" The fourth, holding an ear, stated, "No, more like a fan." 2984And the fifth, leaning against the animal's side, said, "An elephant is like 2985a wall." The five then began to argue loudly about who had the more accurate 2986perception of the elephant. 2987 The elephant, tiring of all this abuse, suddenly reared up and 2988attacked the men. He continued to trample them until they were nothing but 2989bloody lumps of flesh. Then, strolling away, the elephant remarked, "It just 2990goes to show that you can't depend on first impressions. When I first saw 2991them I didn't think they they'd be any fun at all." 2992% 2993 Once upon a time there were three brothers who were knights 2994in a certain kingdom. And, there was a Princess in a neighboring kingdom 2995who was of marriageable age. Well, one day, in full armour, their horses, 2996and their page, the three brothers set off to see if one of them could 2997win her hand. The road was long and there were many obstacles along the 2998way, robbers to be overcome, hard terrain to cross. As they coped with 2999each obstacle they became more and more disgusted with their page. He was 3000not only inept, he was a coward, he could not handle the horses, he was, 3001in short, a complete flop. When they arrived at the court of the kingdom, 3002they found that they were expected to present the Princess with some 3003treasure. The two older brothers were discouraged, since they had not 3004thought of this and were unprepared. The youngest, however, had the 3005answer: Promise her anything, but give her our page. 3006% 3007 Once, when the secrets of science were the jealously guarded property 3008of a small priesthood, the common man had no hope of mastering their arcane 3009complexities. Years of study in musty classrooms were prerequisite to 3010obtaining even a dim, incoherent knowledge of science. 3011 Today all that has changed: a dim, incoherent knowledge of science is 3012available to anyone. 3013 -- Tom Weller, "Science Made Stupid" 3014% 3015 One day a student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make 3016a better garbage collector. We must keep a reference count of the pointers 3017to each cons." 3018 Moon patiently told the student the following story -- "One day a 3019student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make a better garbage 3020collector..." 3021% 3022 One day it was announced that the young monk Kyogen had reached 3023an enlightened state. Much impressed by this news, several of his peers 3024went to speak with him. 3025 "We have heard that you are enlightened. Is this true?" his fellow 3026students inquired. 3027 "It is", Kyogen answered. 3028 "Tell us", said a friend, "how do you feel?" 3029 "As miserable as ever", replied the enlightened Kyogen. 3030% 3031 One evening he spoke. Sitting at her feet, his face raised to her, 3032he allowed his soul to be heard. "My darling, anything you wish, anything 3033I am, anything I can ever be... That's what I want to offer you -- not the 3034things I'll get for you, but the thing in me that will make me able to get 3035them. That thing -- a man can't renounce it -- but I want to renounce it -- 3036so that it will be yours -- so that it will be in your service -- only for 3037you." 3038 The girl smiled and asked: "Do you think I'm prettier than Maggie 3039Kelly?" 3040 He got up. He said nothing and walked out of the house. He never 3041saw that girl again. Gail Wynand, who prided himself on never needing a 3042lesson twice, did not fall in love again in the years that followed. 3043 -- Ayn Rand, "The Fountainhead" 3044% 3045 One fine day, the bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, 3046and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops -- a few 3047people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next 3048stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a 3049wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, 3050"Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back. 3051 Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically 3052meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't 3053happy about it. Well, the next day the same thing happened -- Big John got on 3054again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the 3055one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started 3056losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he 3057could stand it no longer. He signed up for bodybuilding courses, karate, judo, 3058and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; 3059what's more, he felt really good about himself. 3060 So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus 3061and said "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the 3062passenger, and screamed, "And why not?" 3063 With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a 3064bus pass." 3065% 3066 One night the captain of a tanker saw a light dead ahead. He 3067directed his signalman to flash a signal to the light which went... 3068 "Change course 10 degrees South." 3069 The reply was quickly flashed back... 3070 "You change course 10 degrees North." 3071 The captain was a little annoyed at this reply and sent a further 3072message..... 3073 "I am a captain. Change course 10 degrees South." 3074 Back came the reply... 3075 "I am an able-seaman. Change course 10 degrees North." 3076 The captain was outraged at this reply and send a message.... 3077"I am a 240,000 tonne tanker. CHANGE course 10 degrees South!" 3078 Back came the reply... 3079 "I am a LIGHTHOUSE. Change course 10 degrees North!!!!" 3080 -- Cruising Helmsman, "On The Right Course" 3081% 3082 One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How enthusiastic 3083is our support for UNIX? 3084 Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many years ago. 3085Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. Ten percent of our 3086VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple language, easy to understand, 3087easy to get started with. It's great for students, great for somewhat casual 3088users, and it's great for interchanging programs between different machines. 3089And so, because of its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have 3090good UNIX on VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s. 3091 It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will run 3092out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and will end 3093up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming. 3094 With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and quickly 3095check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With VMS, no matter 3096what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of documentation -- if 3097you look long enough it's there. That's the difference -- the beauty of UNIX 3098is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS is that it's all there. 3099 -- Ken Olsen, president of DEC, DECWORLD Vol. 8 No. 5, 1984 3100[It's been argued that the beauty of UNIX is the same as the beauty of Ken 3101Olsen's brain. Ed.] 3102% 3103 page 46 3104...a report citing a study by Dr. Thomas C. Chalmers, of the Mount Sinai 3105Medical Center in New York, which compared two groups that were being used 3106to test the theory that ascorbic acid is a cold preventative. "The group 3107on placebo who thought they were on ascorbic acid," says Dr. Chalmers, 3108"had fewer colds than the group on ascorbic acid who thought they were 3109on placebo." 3110 page 56 3111The placebo is proof that there is no real separation between mind and body. 3112Illness is always an interaction between both. It can begin in the mind and 3113affect the body, or it can begin in the body and affect the mind, both of 3114which are served by the same bloodstream. Attempts to treat most mental 3115diseases as though they were completely free of physical causes and attempts 3116to treat most bodily diseases as though the mind were in no way involved must 3117be considered archaic in the light of new evidence about the way the human 3118body functions. 3119 -- Norman Cousins, 3120 "Anatomy of an Illness as Perceived by the Patient" 3121% 3122 Penn's aunts made great apple pies at low prices. No one else in 3123town could compete with the pie rates of Penn's aunts. 3124 During the American Revolution, a Britisher tried to raid a farm. He 3125stumbled across a rock on the ground and fell, whereupon an agressive Rhode 3126Island Red hopped on top. Seeing this, the farmer commented, "Chicken catch 3127a Tory!" 3128 A wife started serving chopped meat, Monday hamburger, Tuesday meat 3129loaf, Wednesday tartar steak, and Thursday meatballs. On Friday morning her 3130husband snarled, "How now, ground cow?" 3131 A journalist, thrilled over his dinner, asked the chef for the recipe. 3132Retorted the chef, "Sorry, we have the same policy as you journalists, we 3133never reveal our sauce." 3134 A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He 3135kept favoring curry. 3136 A couple of kids tried using pickles instead of paddles for a Ping-Pong 3137game. They had the volley of the Dills. 3138% 3139 People of all sorts of genders are reporting great difficulty, 3140these days, in selecting the proper words to refer to those of the female 3141persuasion. 3142 "Lady," "woman," and "girl" are all perfectly good words, but 3143misapplying them can earn one anything from the charge of vulgarity to a good 3144swift smack. We are messing here with matters of deference, condescension, 3145respect, bigotry, and two vague concepts, age and rank. It is troubling 3146enough to get straight who is really what. Those who deliberately misuse 3147the terms in a misbegotten attempt at flattery are asking for it. 3148 A woman is any grown-up female person. A girl is the un-grown-up 3149version. If you call a wee thing with chubby cheeks and pink hair ribbons a 3150"woman," you will probably not get into trouble, and if you do, you will be 3151able to handle it because she will be under three feet tall. However, if you 3152call a grown-up by a child's name for the sake of implying that she has a 3153youthful body, you are also implying that she has a brain to match. 3154% 3155 "Perhaps he is not honest," Mr. Frostee said inside Cobb's head, 3156sounding a bit worried. 3157 "Of course he isn't," Cobb answered. "What we have to look out for 3158is him calling the cops anyway, or trying to blackmail us for more money." 3159 "I think you should kill him and eat his brain," Mr. Frostee 3160said quickly. 3161 "That's not the answer to *every* problem in interpersonal relations," 3162Cobb said, hopping out. 3163 -- Rudy Rucker, "Software" 3164% 3165 Phases of a Project: 3166(1) Exultation. 3167(2) Disenchantment. 3168(3) Confusion. 3169(4) Search for the Guilty. 3170(5) Punishment for the Innocent. 3171(6) Distinction for the Uninvolved. 3172% 3173 Price Wang's programmer was coding software. His fingers danced upon 3174the keyboard. The program compiled without an error message, and the program 3175ran like a gentle wind. 3176 Excellent!" the Price exclaimed, "Your technique is faultless!" 3177 "Technique?" said the programmer, turning from his terminal, "What I 3178follow is the Tao -- beyond all technique. When I first began to program I 3179would see before me the whole program in one mass. After three years I no 3180longer saw this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing. 3181My whole being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit, 3182free to work without a plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program 3183writes itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them 3184coming, I slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code 3185and the difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the 3186program. I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my 3187eyes for a moment and then log off." 3188 Price Wang said, "Would that all of my programmers were as wise!" 3189 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 3190% 3191 "Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised. "We're back in the 3192universe again..." An unusually long pause followed, "...but I don't 3193know which part. We seem to have changed our position in space." A 3194spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the 3195starfield surrounding the ship. 3196 "Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us," 3197ZORAC announced after a short pause. "The designs are not familiar, but 3198they are obviously the products of intelligence. Implications: we have 3199been intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown, 3200and transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown. 3201Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious." 3202 -- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star" 3203% 3204 Reporters like Bill Greider from the Washington Post and Him 3205Naughton of the New York Times, for instance, had to file long, detailed, 3206and relatively complex stories every day -- while my own deadline fell 3207every two weeks -- but neither of them ever seemed in a hurry about 3208getting their work done, and from time to time they would try to console 3209me about the terrible pressure I always seemed to be laboring under. 3210 Any $100-an-hour psychiatrist could probably explain this problem 3211to me, in thirteen or fourteen sessions, but I don't have time for that. 3212No doubt it has something to do with a deep-seated personality defect, or 3213maybe a kink in whatever blood vessel leads into the pineal gland... On 3214the other hand, it might be something as simple & basically perverse as 3215whatever instinct it is that causes a jackrabbit to wait until the last 3216possible second to dart across the road in front of a speeding car. 3217 -- H.S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail" 3218% 3219 "Richard, in being so fierce toward my vampire, you were doing 3220what you wanted to do, even though you thought it was going to hurt 3221somebody else. He even told you he'd be hurt if..." 3222 "He was going to suck my blood!" 3223 "Which is what we do to anyone when we tell them we'll be hurt 3224if they don't live our way." 3225... 3226 "The thing that puzzles you," he said, "is an accepted saying that 3227happens to be impossible. The phrase is hurt somebody else. We choose, 3228ourselves, to be hurt or not to be hurt, no matter what. Us who decides. 3229Nobody else. My vampire told you he'd be hurt if you didn't let him? That's 3230his decision to be hurt, that's his choice. What you do about it is your 3231decision, your choice: give him blood; ignore him; tie him up; drive a stake 3232through his heart. If he doesn't want the holly stake, he's free to resist, 3233in whatever way he wants. It goes on and on, choices, choices." 3234 "When you look at it that way..." 3235 "Listen," he said, "it's important. We are all. Free. To do. 3236Whatever. We want. To do." 3237 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions" 3238% 3239 Risch's decision procedure for integration, not surprisingly, 3240uses a recursion on the number and type of the extensions from the 3241rational functions needed to represent the integrand. Although the 3242algorithm follows and critically depends upon the appropriate structure 3243of the input, as in the case of multivariate factorization, we cannot 3244claim that the algorithm is a natural one. In fact, the creator of 3245differential algebra, Ritt, committed suicide in the early 1950's, 3246largely, it is claimed, because few paid attention to his work. Probably 3247he would have received more attention had he obtained the algorithm as 3248well. 3249 -- Joel Moses, "Algorithms and Complexity", ed. J.F. Traub 3250% 3251 Robert Kennedy's 1964 Senatorial campaign planners told him that 3252their intention was to present him to the television viewers as a sincere, 3253generous person. "You going to use a double?" asked Kennedy. 3254 3255 Thumbing through a promotional pamphlet prepared for his 1964 3256Senatorial campaign, Robert Kennedy came across a photograph of himself 3257shaking hands with a well-known labor leader. 3258 "There must be a better photo that this," said Kennedy to the 3259advertising men in charge of his campaign. 3260 "What's wrong with this one?" asked one adman. 3261 "That fellow's in jail," said Kennedy. 3262 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits" 3263% 3264 SAFETY 3265I can live without 3266Someone I love 3267But not without 3268Someone I need. 3269% 3270 Sam went to his psychiatrist complaining of a hatred for elephants. 3271"I can't stand elephants," he explained. "I lie awake nights despising 3272them. The thought of an elephant fills me with loathing." 3273 "Sam," said the psychiatrist, "there's only one thing for you to do. 3274Go to Africa, organize a safari, find an elephant in the jungle and shoot it. 3275That way you'll get it out of your system." 3276 Sam immediately made arrangements for a safari hunt in Africa, 3277inviting his best friend to join him. They arrived in Nairobi and lost no 3278time getting out on the jungle trails. After they had been hunting for 3279several days, Sam's best friend grabbed him by the arm one morning and 3280yelled at him: 3281 "Sam, Sam, Sam! Over there behind that tree there's and elephant! 3282Sam -- Get your gun -- no, no, not THAT gun -- the rifle with the longer 3283barrel! Now aim it! QUICK! SAM! QUICK! No! Not that way -- this way! 3284Be sure you don't jerk the trigger! Wait SAM! Don't let him see you! Aim 3285at his head!" 3286 Sam whirled around, took aim, and killed his friend. He was put in 3287prison and his psychiatrist flew to Africa to visit him. "I sent you over 3288here to kill and elephant and instead you shoot your best friend," the 3289psychiatrist said. "Why?" 3290 "Well," Sam replied, "there's only one thing in the world that I 3291hate more than elephants and that is a loudmouth know-it-all!" 3292% 3293 Seems George was playing his usual eighteen holes on Saturday 3294afternoon. Teeing off from the 17th, he sliced into the rough over near 3295the edge of the fairway. Just as he was about to chip out, he noticed a 3296long funeral procession going past on a nearby street. Reverently, George 3297removed his hat and stood at attention until the procession had passed. 3298Then he continued his game, finishing with a birdie on the eighteenth. 3299Later, at the clubhouse, a fellow golfer greet George. "Say, that was a 3300nice gesture you made today, George. 3301 "What do you mean?" asked George. 3302 "Well, it was nice of you to take off your cap and stand 3303respectfully when that funeral went by," the friend replied. 3304 "Oh, yes," said George. "Well, we were married 17 years, you 3305know." 3306% 3307 "Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated thoughtfully. 3308"An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY advice, I'd have 3309said 'Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now." 3310 "I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly. 3311 "Too proud?" the other enquired. 3312 Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean," 3313she said, "that one can't help growing older." 3314 "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With 3315proper assistance, you might have left off at seven." 3316 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking-Glass" 3317% 3318 Several students were asked to prove that all odd integers are prime. 3319 The first student to try to do this was a math student. "Hmmm... 3320Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, and by induction, we have that all 3321the odd integers are prime." 3322 The second student to try was a man of physics who commented, "I'm not 3323sure of the validity of your proof, but I think I'll try to prove it by 3324experiment." He continues, "Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is 3325prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is... uh, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is prime, 13 3326is prime... Well, it seems that you're right." 3327 The third student to try it was the engineering student, who responded, 3328"Well, to be honest, actually, I'm not sure of your answer either. Let's 3329see... 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is... 3330well, if you approximate, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Well, it 3331does seem right." 3332 Not to be outdone, the computer science student comes along and says 3333"Well, you two sort've got the right idea, but you'll end up taking too long! 3334I've just whipped up a program to REALLY go and prove it." He goes over to 3335his terminal and runs his program. Reading the output on the screen he says, 3336"1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime..." 3337% 3338 "Sheriff, we gotta catch Black Bart." 3339 "Oh, yeah? What's he look like?" 3340 "Well, he's wearin' a paper hat, a paper shirt, paper pants and 3341paper boots." 3342 "What's he wanted for?" 3343 "Rustling." 3344% 3345 Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the 3346Vulgate Bible. Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull 3347automatically excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration 3348in the text. This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible. 3349He personally examined every sheet as it came off the press. Yet the 3350published Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps 3351had to be printed and pasted over them in every copy. The result 3352provoked wry comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and 3353Pope Sixtus had no recourse but to order the return and destruction of 3354every copy. 3355% 3356 So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark]. With 3357a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to maneuver 3358the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of corner of the 3359lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to flop up onto the land 3360and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward it, sort of crouched over, 3361when all of a sudden it turned around and -- I can still remember the 3362sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in the armpit area -- headed 3363right straight toward us. 3364 Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and I 3365were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our heads. 3366We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're unarmed and 3367a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water up to your lower 3368calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the opposite direction, using 3369a sprinting style such that the bottoms of our feet never once went below 3370the surface of the water. We ran all the way to the far shore, and if we 3371had been in a Warner Brothers cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach, 3372and you would have seen these two mounds of sand racing across the island 3373until they bonked into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads. 3374 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 3375% 3376 So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark]. 3377With a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to 3378maneuver the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of 3379corner of the lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to 3380flop up onto the land and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward 3381it, sort of crouched over, when all of a sudden it turned around and -- 3382I can still remember the sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in 3383the armpit area -- headed right straight toward us. 3384 Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and 3385I were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our 3386heads. We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're 3387unarmed and a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water 3388up to your lower calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the 3389opposite direction, using a sprinting style such that the bottoms of 3390our feet never once went below the surface of the water. We ran all 3391the way to the far shore, and if we had been in a Warner Brothers 3392cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach, and you would have seen 3393these two mounds of sand racing across the island until they bonked 3394into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads. 3395 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 3396% 3397 Some 1500 miles west of the Big Apple we find the Minneapple, a 3398haven of tranquility in troubled times. It's a good town, a civilized town. 3399A town where they still know how to get your shirts back by Thursday. Let 3400the Big Apple have the feats of "Broadway Joe" Namath. We have known the 3401stolid but steady Killebrew. Listening to Cole Porter over a dry martini 3402may well suit those unlucky enough never to have heard the Whoopee John Polka 3403Band and never to have shared a pitcher of 3.2 Grain Belt Beer. The loss is 3404theirs. And the Big Apple has yet to bake the bagel that can match peanut 3405butter on lefse. Here is a town where the major urban problem is dutch elm 3406disease and the number one crime is overtime parking. We boast more theater 3407per capita than the Big Apple. We go to see, not to be seen. We go even 3408when we must shovel ten inches of snow from the driveway to get there. Indeed 3409the winters are fierce. But then comes the marvel of the Minneapple summer. 3410People flock to the city's lakes to frolic and rejoice at the sight of so 3411much happy humanity free from the bonds of the traditional down-filled parka. 3412Here's to the Minneapple. And to its people. Our flair for style is balanced 3413by a healthy respect for wind chill factors. 3414 And we always, always eat our vegetables. 3415 This is the Minneapple. 3416% 3417 Something mysterious is formed, born in the silent void. Waiting 3418alone and unmoving, it is at once still and yet in constant motion. It is 3419the source of all programs. I do not know its name, so I will call it the 3420Tao of Programming. 3421 If the Tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the 3422operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler is 3423greater, then the applications is great. The user is pleased and there is 3424harmony in the world. 3425 The Tao of Programming flows far away and returns on the wind of 3426morning. 3427 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 3428% 3429 Somewhat alarmed at the continued growth of the number of employees 3430on the Department of Agriculture payroll in 1962, Michigan Republican Robert 3431Griffin proposed an amendment to the farm bill so that "the total number of 3432employees in the Department of Agriculture at no time exceeds the number of 3433farmers in America." 3434 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits" 3435% 3436 "Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the 3437Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then 3438intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men and 3439women, such as are we all? And thus happily sent forth, at our best, with 3440good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are we not God's 3441Machineries of Joy?" 3442 "If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin." 3443 -- R. Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy" 3444% 3445 Split 1/4 bottle .187 liters 3446 Half 1/2 bottle 3447 Bottle 750 milliliters 3448 Magnum 2 bottles 1.5 liters 3449 Jeroboam 4 bottles 3450 Rehoboam 6 bottles Not available in the US 3451 Methuselah 8 bottles 3452 Salmanazar 12 bottles 3453 Balthazar 16 bottles 3454 Nebuchadnezzar 20 bottles 15 liters 3455 Sovereign 34 bottles 26 liters 3456 3457 The Sovereign is a new bottle, made for the launching of the 3458largest cruise ship in the world. The bottle alone cost 8,000 dollars 3459to produce and they only made 8 of them. 3460 Most of the funny names come from Biblical people. 3461% 3462 Stop! Whoever crosseth the bridge of Death, must answer first 3463these questions three, ere the other side he see! 3464 3465 "What is your name?" 3466 "Sir Brian of Bell." 3467 "What is your quest?" 3468 "I seek the Holy Grail." 3469 "What are four lowercase letters that are not legal flag arguments 3470to the Berkeley UNIX version of `ls'?" 3471 "I, er.... AIIIEEEEEE!" 3472% 3473 Strange memories on this nervous night in Las Vegas. Five years later? 3474Six? It seems like a lifetime, or at least a Main Era -- the kind of peak that 3475never comes again. San Fransisco in the middle sixties was a very special time 3476and place to be a part of. Maybe it meant something. Maybe not, in the long 3477run... There was madness in any direction, at any hour. If not across the 3478Bay, then up the Golden Gate or down 101 to Los Altos or La Honda... You could 3479strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we 3480were doing was right, that we were winning... 3481 And that, I think, was the handle -- that sense of inevitable victory 3482over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we didn't 3483need that. Our energy would simply prevail. There was no point in fighting 3484-- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; we were riding the crest 3485of a high and beautiful wave. So now, less than five years later, you can go 3486up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes 3487you can almost see the high-water mark -- that place where the wave finally 3488broke and rolled back. 3489 -- Hunter S. Thompson 3490% 3491 Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content 3492to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good 3493beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up 3494drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a 3495nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves 3496and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!" So Coca-Cola 3497was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw no need to 3498improve ... 3499 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 3500% 3501 "That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a 3502sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar. 3503 "How do you know?" the friend asked. 3504 "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where 3505she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley." 3506 "So?" 3507 "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley." 3508% 3509 "That's right; the upper-case shift works fine on the screen, but 3510they're not coming out on the damn printer... Hold? Sure, I'll hold." 3511 -- e.e. cummings last service call 3512% 3513 "The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff 3514and blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails. 3515You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at 3516night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, 3517you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your 3518honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for 3519it then -- to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is 3520the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be 3521tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning 3522is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn." 3523 -- T.H. White, "The Once and Future King" 3524% 3525 The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can't just 3526say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these primitive 3527African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot, and they have 3528to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal saying goes: "N'wam 3529k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think you can catch a wildebeest 3530in this climate and wear clothes at the same time, then I have some beach 3531front property in the desert region of Northern Mali that you may be 3532interested in." 3533 So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic publishes 3534color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest naked, or pounding 3535one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason naked, or whatever. 3536But if National Geographic were to publish an article entitled "The Girls 3537of the California Junior College System Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some 3538people would call it pornography. But others would not. And still others, 3539such as the Spectacularly Rev. Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing 3540the wildebeest naked. 3541 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" 3542% 3543 The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can't just 3544say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these 3545primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot, 3546and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal 3547saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think 3548you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same 3549time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of 3550Northern Mali that you may be interested in." 3551 So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic 3552publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest 3553naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason 3554naked, or whatever. But if National Geographic were to publish an 3555article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System 3556Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography. But 3557others would not. And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev. 3558Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked. 3559 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" 3560% 3561 The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time 3562for Miss Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public. 3563 It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance. Miss Manners 3564has been known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a 3565curb, and, in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a 3566foot or two under the dinner table. Miss Manners also believes that the 3567sight of people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand 3568dresses up a city considerably more than the more familiar sight of 3569people shaking umbrellas at one another. What Miss Manners objects to 3570is the kind of activity that frightens the horses on the street... 3571% 3572 The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff 3573in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody but one girl 3574laughed uproariously. "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you 3575got a sense of humor?" 3576 "I don't have to laugh," she said. "I'm leaving Friday anyway. 3577% 3578 The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff: 3579"You claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle 3580in his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?" 3581 "Yes," the man admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course, 3582but not much good in a fight." 3583% 3584 The devout Jew was beside himself because his son had been dating 3585a shiksa, so he went to visit his rabbi. The rabbi listened solemnly to 3586his problem, took his hand, and said, "Pray to God." 3587 So the Jew went to the synagogue, bowed his head, and prayed, "God, 3588please help me. My son, my favorite son, he's going to marry a shiksa, he 3589sees nothing but goyim..." 3590 "Your son," boomed down this voice from the heavens, "you think 3591you got problems. What about my son?" 3592% 3593 The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough 3594physical examination. "The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said, 3595"is give up drinking, give up smoking, get to bed early and stay away 3596from women." 3597 "Doc, I don't deserve the best," pleaded his patient. "What's 3598second best?" 3599% 3600 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES 3601 3602SPECIES: Cranial Males 3603SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis) 3604Courtship & Mating: 3605 Due to extreme deprivation, HOMO COMPUTATIS maintains a near perpetual 3606 state of sexual readiness. Courtship behavior alternates between 3607 awkward shyness and abrupt advances. When he finally mates, he 3608 chooses a female engineer with an unblinking stare, a tight mouth, and 3609 a complete collection of Campbell's soup-can recipes. 3610Track: 3611 Trash cans full of pale green and white perforated paper and old 3612 copies of the Allen-Bradley catalog. 3613Comments: 3614 Extremely fond of bad puns and jokes that need long explanations. 3615% 3616 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES 3617 3618SPECIES: Cranial Males 3619SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis) 3620Description: 3621 Gangly and frail, the hacker has a high forehead and thinning hair. 3622 Head disproportionately large and crooked forward, complexion wan and 3623 sightly gray from CRT illumination. He has heavy black-rimmed glasses 3624 and a look of intense concentration, which may be due to a software 3625 problem or to a pork-and-bean breakfast. 3626Feathering: 3627 HOMO COMPUTATIS saw a Brylcreem ad fifteen years ago and believed it. 3628 Consequently, crest is greased down, except for the cowlick. 3629Song: 3630 A rather plaintive "Is it up?" 3631% 3632 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES 3633 3634SPECIES: Cranial Males 3635SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis) 3636Plumage: 3637 All clothes have a slightly crumpled look as though they came off the 3638 top of the laundry basket. Style varies with status. Hacker managers 3639 wear gray polyester slacks, pink or pastel shirts with wide collars, 3640 and paisley ties; staff wears cinched-up baggy corduroy pants, white 3641 or blue shirts with button-down collars, and penholder in pocket. 3642 Both managers and staff wear running shoes to work, and a black 3643 plastic digital watch with calculator. 3644% 3645 The foreman of a lumber camp put a new workman on the circular saw. 3646As he turned away, he heard the man say, "Ouch!". 3647 "What happened?" 3648 "Dunno," replied the man. "I just stuck out my hand like this, and 3649-- well, I'll be damned. There goes another one!" 3650% 3651 The General disliked trying to explain the highly technical 3652innerworkings of the U.S. Air Force. 3653 "$7,662 for a ten cup coffee maker, General?" the Senator asked. 3654 In his head he ran through his standard explanations. "It's not so," 3655he thought. "It's a deterrent." Soon he came up with, "It's computerized, 3656Senator. Tiny computer chips make coffee that's smooth and full-bodied. Try 3657a cup." 3658 The Senator did. "Pfffttt! Tastes like jet fuel!" 3659 "It's not so," the General thought. "It's a deterrent." 3660 Then he remembered something. "We bought a lot of untested computer 3661chips," the General answered. "They got into everything. Just a little 3662mix-up. Nothing serious." 3663 Then he remembered something else. It was at the site of the 3664mysterious B-1 crash. A strange smell in the fuel lines. It smelled like 3665coffee. Smooth and full bodied... 3666 -- Another Episode of General's Hospital 3667% 3668 The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of 3669the center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South 3670Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South 3671End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End. 3672% 3673 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on 3674the subject of towels. 3675 Most importantly, a towel has immense psychological value. For 3676some reason, if a non-hitchhiker discovers that a hitchhiker has his towel 3677with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a 3678toothbrush, washcloth, flask, gnat spray, space suit, etc., etc. Furthermore, 3679the non-hitchhiker will then happily lend the hitchhiker any of these or 3680a dozen other items that he may have "lost". After all, any man who can 3681hitch the length and breadth of the Galaxy, struggle against terrible odds, 3682win through and still know where his towel is, is clearly a man to be 3683reckoned with. 3684% 3685 The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on 3686the subject of towels. 3687 A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an 3688interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value. 3689You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons 3690of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches 3691of Santraginus V ... use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River 3692Moth; wave your towel in emergencies, and, of course, dry yourself off 3693with it if it still seems to be clean enough. 3694% 3695 The honeymooning couple agreed it was a fine day for horseback riding. 3696After a mile or so, the bride's mount cantered under a low tree and a 3697branch scraped her forehead lightly. The groom dismounted, glared at his 3698wife's horse, and said, "That's number one." 3699 The ride then proceeded. After another mile or so, the bride's 3700horse stumbled over a pebble and the lady suffered a slight jostling. 3701Again, her man leapt from his saddle and strode over to the nervous animal. 3702"That's two," he said. 3703 Five miles later, the bride's horse became frightened when a rabbit 3704crossed its path, reared up and threw the girl. Immediately, the groom was 3705off his horse. "That's three!", he shouted, and, pulling out a pistol, he 3706shot the horse between the eyes. 3707 "You brute!" shrieked his bride. "Now I see the kind of man I 3708married! You're a sadist, that's what!" 3709 The groom turned to her coolly. "That's one," he said. 3710% 3711 The Lord and I are in a sheep-shepherd relationship, and I am in 3712a position of negative need. 3713 He prostrates me in a green-belt grazing area. 3714 He conducts me directionally parallel to non-torrential aqueous 3715liquid. 3716 He returns to original satisfaction levels my psychological makeup. 3717 He switches me on to a positive behavioral format for maximal 3718prestige of His identity. 3719 It should indeed be said that notwithstanding the fact that I make 3720ambulatory progress through the umbragious inter-hill mortality slot, terror 3721sensations will no be initiated in me, due to para-etical phenomena. 3722 Your pastoral walking aid and quadrupic pickup unit introduce me 3723into a pleasurific mood state. 3724 You design and produce a nutriment-bearing furniture-type structure 3725in the context of non-cooperative elements. 3726 You act out a head-related folk ritual employing vegetable extract. 3727 My beverage utensil experiences a volume crisis. 3728 It is an ongoing deductible fact that your inter-relational 3729empathetical and non-ventious capabilities will retain me as their 3730target-focus for the duration of my non-death period, and I will possess 3731tenant rights in the housing unit of the Lord on a permanent, open-ended 3732time basis. 3733% 3734 The Magician of the Ivory Tower brought his latest invention for the 3735master programmer to examine. The magician wheeled a large black box into the 3736master's office while the master waited in silence. 3737 "This is an integrated, distributed, general-purpose workstation," 3738began the magician, "ergonomically designed with a proprietary operating 3739system, sixth generation languages, and multiple state of the art user 3740interfaces. It took my assistants several hundred man years to construct. 3741Is it not amazing?" 3742 The master raised his eyebrows slightly. "It is indeed amazing," he 3743said. 3744 "Corporate Headquarters has commanded," continued the magician, "that 3745everyone use this workstation as a platform for new programs. Do you agree 3746to this?" 3747 "Certainly," replied the master, "I will have it transported to the 3748data center immediately!" And the magician returned to his tower, well 3749pleased. 3750 Several days later, a novice wandered into the office of the master 3751programmer and said, "I cannot find the listing for my new program. Do 3752you know where it might be?" 3753 "Yes," replied the master, "the listings are stacked on the platform 3754in the data center." 3755 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 3756% 3757 The Martian landed his saucer in Manhattan, and immediately upon 3758emerging was approached by a panhandler. "Mister," said the man, "can I 3759have a quarter?" 3760 The Martian asked, "What's a quarter?" 3761 The panhandler thought a minute, brightened, then said, "You're 3762right! Can I have a dollar?" 3763% 3764 The master programmer moves from program to program without fear. No 3765change in management can harm him. He will not be fired, even if the project 3766is canceled. Why is this? He is filled with the Tao. 3767 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 3768% 3769 The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider requiring all 3770students to do some "volunteer work" as a prerequisite to high school gradu- 3771ation. 3772 Senator Orrin Hatch said that "capital punishment is our society's 3773recognition of the sanctity of human life." 3774 3775 According to the tax bill signed by President Reagan on December 22, 37761987, Don Tyson and his sister-in-law Barbara run a "family farm." Their 3777"farm" has 25,000 employees and grosses $1.7 billion a year. But as a "family 3778farm" they get tax breaks that save them $135 million a year. 3779 3780 Scott L. Pickard, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of 3781Public Works, calls them "ground-mounted confirmatory route markers." You 3782probably call them road signs, but then you don't work in a government agency. 3783 3784 It's not "elderly" or "senior citizens" anymore. Now it's "chrono- 3785logically experienced citizens." 3786 3787 According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn't break off, it was 3788just a case of "uncontained blade liberation." 3789 -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE) 3790% 3791 "...The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!" 3792 "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to 3793feel interested. 3794 "No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little 3795vexed. "That's what the name is called. The name really is, 'The Aged 3796Aged Man.'" 3797 "Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?" 3798Alice corrected herself. 3799 "No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is 3800called 'Ways and Means': but that's only what it is called you know!" 3801 "Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this 3802time completely bewildered. 3803 "I was coming to that," the Knight said. "The song really is 3804"A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention." 3805 --Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" 3806% 3807 The only real game in the world, I think, is baseball... 3808You've got to start way down, at the bottom, when you're six or seven years 3809old. You can't wait until you're fifteen or sixteen. You've got to let it 3810grow up with you, and if you're successful and you try hard enough, you're 3811bound to come out on top, just like these boys have come to the top now. 3812 -- Babe Ruth, in his 1948 farewell speech at Yankee Stadium 3813% 3814 The Priest's grey nimbus in a niche where he dressed discreetly. 3815I will not sleep here tonight. Home also I cannot go. 3816 A voice, sweetened and sustained, called to him from the sea. 3817Turning the curve he waved his hand. A sleek brown head, a seal's, far 3818out on the water, round. Usurper. 3819 -- James Joyce, "Ulysses" 3820% 3821 The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to 3822get results. 3823 The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy 3824problems in order to get results 3825 The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at 3826toy problems in order to get results. 3827% 3828 The programmers of old were mysterious and profound. We cannot fathom 3829their thoughts, so all we do is describe their appearance. 3830 Aware, like a fox crossing the water. Alert, like a general on the 3831battlefield. Kind, like a hostess greeting her guests. Simple, like uncarved 3832blocks of wood. Opaque, like black pools in darkened caves. 3833 Who can tell the secrets of their hearts and minds? 3834 The answer exists only in the Tao. 3835 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 3836% 3837 The salesman and the system analyst took off to spend a weekend in the 3838forest, hunting bear. They'd rented a cabin, and, when they got there, took 3839their backpacks off and put them inside. At which point the salesman turned 3840to his friend, and said, "You unpack while I go and find us a bear." 3841 Puzzled, the analyst finished unpacking and then went and sat down 3842on the porch. Soon he could hear rustling noises in the forest. The noises 3843got nearer -- and louder -- and suddenly there was the salesman, running like 3844hell across the clearing toward the cabin, pursued by one of the largest and 3845most ferocious grizzly bears the analyst had ever seen. 3846 "Open the door!", screamed the salesman. 3847 The analyst whipped open the door, and the salesman ran to the door, 3848suddenly stopped, and stepped aside. The bear, unable to stop, continued 3849through the door and into the cabin. The salesman slammed the door closed 3850and grinned at his friend. "Got him!", he exclaimed, "now, you skin this 3851one and I'll go rustle us up another!" 3852% 3853 The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average 3854Russian's readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement 3855of some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet 3856reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led the 3857field for many years in both chess and ax murders. It is well known that as 3858early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at Reykjavik would do to 3859national prestige, implemented a vigorous program of preparation and 3860incentive. Every day for an entire year, a team of psychologists, chess 3861analysts and coaches met with the top three Russian grand masters and 3862threatened them with a pointy stick. That these tactics proved fruitless 3863is now a part of chess history and a further testament to the American way, 3864which provides that if you want something badly enough, you can always go to 3865Iceland and get it from the Russians. 3866 -- Marshall Brickman, "Playboy" 3867% 3868 The Tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth 3869to the assembler. 3870 The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand 3871languages. 3872 Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language 3873expresses the Yin and Yang of software. Each language has its place within 3874the Tao. 3875 But do not program in COBOL if you can avoid it. 3876 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 3877% 3878 The way my jeweler explained it, it's like insurance. 3879 Six months' pay isn't much to keep my wife from sleeping around. 3880 3881A diamond -- pure, sparkling, natural, flawless, forever. The way marriage 3882should be but never quite is. People grow and change and sometimes want to 3883take their clothes off with strangers. So when you invest in a fine piece 3884of diamond jewelry, you're not only making an investment, you're making a 3885statement. You're telling the woman you love that you've just spent a lot 3886of your hard-earned money on her. Now she owes you the kind of loyalty that 3887only precious jewelry can buy. Isn't she worth it? 3888 3889 The Honeymoon's Over: from $ 5000 3890 The Seven Year Itch: from $10000 3891 No More Lunchtime Quickies: from $15000 3892 Divorce Would Be More Expensive: from $42000 3893 3894 A diamond is for leverage. BeDears 3895% 3896 The wise programmer is told about the Tao and follows it. The average 3897programmer is told about the Tao and searches for it. The foolish programmer 3898is told about the Tao and laughs at it. If it were not for laughter, there 3899would be no Tao. 3900 The highest sounds are the hardest to hear. Going forward is a way to 3901retreat. Greater talent shows itself late in life. Even a perfect program 3902still has bugs. 3903 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 3904% 3905 THE WOMBAT 3906 3907The wombat lives across the seas, 3908Among the far Antipodes. 3909He may exist on nuts and berries, 3910Or then again, on missionaries; 3911His distant habitat precludes 3912Conclusive knowledge of his moods. 3913But I would not engage the wombat 3914In any form of mortal combat. 3915% 3916 The world's most avid baseball fan (an Aggie) had arrived at the 3917stadium for the first game of the World Series only to realize he had left 3918his ticket at home. Not wanting to miss any of the first inning, he went 3919to the ticket booth and got in a long line for another seat. After an hour's 3920wait he was just a few feet from the booth when a voice called out, "Hey, 3921Dave!" The Aggie looked up, stepped out of line and tried to find the owner 3922of the voice -- with no success. Then he realized he had lost his place in 3923line and had to wait all over again. When the fan finally bought his ticket, 3924he was thirsty, so he went to buy a drink. The line at the concession stand 3925was long, too, but since the game hadn't started he decided to wait. Just as 3926he got to the window, a voice called out, "Hey, Dave!" Again the Aggie tried 3927to find the voice -- but no luck. He was very upset as he got back in line 3928for his drink. Finally the fan went to his seat, eager for the game to begin. 3929As he waited for the pitch, he heard the voice calling, "Hey Dave!" once more. 3930Furious, he stood up and yelled at the top of his lungs, "My name is not 3931Dave!" 3932% 3933 Them Toad Suckers 3934 3935How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods? 3936Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs! 3937 3938Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers, 3939Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers. 3940 3941Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy? 3942Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy! 3943 3944Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south, 3945Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth! 3946 3947How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it, 3948Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it! 3949 -- Mason Williams 3950% 3951 Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations. 3952 3953 He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the 3954Jordan, then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an 3955open market. 3956 3957 If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he 3958should not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of 3959himself. 3960 3961 Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree. 3962 Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg. 3963 Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower. 3964 -- Kehlog Albran 3965% 3966 Then there's the atmosphere -- half the time you can eat the air, 3967it's got so much stuff floating around in it. It takes the edge out of 3968the colors. Down here even the traffic lights are pastel. And people! 3969With a lot of these folks you'd have to check their green cards just to 3970make sure that they are Earthlings. Then there's the police. In Portland, 3971when some guy goes bananas, the cops rope off a sixteen block area around 3972him and call a shrink from the medical school who stands atop a patrol car 3973with a megaphone and shouts, "OK! THIS! ALL! STARTED! WHEN! YOU! WERE! 3974THREE! YEARS! OLD! ON! ACCOUNT! OF! YOUR MOTHER! RIGHT? SO! LET'S! 3975TALK! ABOUT! IT!" Down here they don't waste that kind of time. The LAPD 3976has SWAT teams composed of guys who make Darth Vader look like Mr. Peepers. 3977Before they go to bust a bookie joint they mortar it first. 3978 -- M. Christensen, "A Portland Innocent in LA" 3979% 3980 Then there's the story of the man who avoided reality for 70 years 3981with drugs, sex, alcohol, fantasy, TV, movies, records, a hobby, lots of 3982sleep... And on his 80th birthday died without ever having faced any of 3983his real problems. 3984 The man's younger brother, who had been facing reality and all his 3985problems for 50 years with psychiatrists, nervous breakdowns, tics, tension, 3986headaches, worry, anxiety and ulcers, was so angry at his brother for having 3987gotten away scott free that he had a paralyzing stroke. 3988 The moral to this story is that there ain't no justice that we can 3989stand to live with. 3990 -- R. Geis 3991% 3992 "Then what is magic for?" Prince Lir demanded wildly. "What use is 3993wizardry if it cannot save a unicorn?" He gripped the magician's shoulder 3994hard, to keep from falling. 3995 Schmendrick did not turn his head. With a touch of sad mockery in 3996his voice, he said, "That's what heroes are for." 3997... 3998 "Yes, of course," he [Prince Lir] said. "That is exactly what heroes 3999are for. Wizards make no difference, so they say that nothing does, but 4000heroes are meant to die for unicorns." 4001 -- P. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn" 4002% 4003 There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that 4004someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named 4005Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or 4006Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that 4007every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is 4008this? 4009 Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for 4010centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think you 4011can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's 4012forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster 4013-- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't 4014even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover 4015why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance. 4016 -- Arthur Naiman 4017% 4018 There once was a man who went to a computer trade show. Each day as 4019he entered, the man told the guard at the door: 4020 "I am a great thief, renowned for my feats of shoplifting. Be 4021forewarned, for this trade show shall not escape unplundered." 4022 This speech disturbed the guard greatly, because there were millions 4023of dollars of computer equipment inside, so he watched the man carefully. 4024But the man merely wandered from booth to booth, humming quietly to himself. 4025 When the man left, the guard took him aside and searched his clothes, 4026but nothing was to be found. 4027 On the next day of the trade show, the man returned and chided the 4028guard saying: "I escaped with a vast booty yesterday, but today will be even 4029better." So the guard watched him ever more closely, but to no avail. 4030 On the final day of the trade show, the guard could restrain his 4031curiosity no longer. "Sir Thief," he said, "I am so perplexed, I cannot live 4032in peace. Please enlighten me. What is it that you are stealing?" 4033 The man smiled. "I am stealing ideas," he said. 4034 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 4035% 4036 There once was a master programmer who wrote unstructured programs. 4037A novice programmer, seeking to imitate him, also began to write unstructured 4038programs. When the novice asked the master to evaluate his progress, the 4039master criticized him for writing unstructured programs, saying: "What is 4040appropriate for the master is not appropriate for the novice. You must 4041understand the Tao before transcending structure." 4042 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 4043% 4044 There once was this swami who lived above a delicatessan. Seems one 4045day he decided to stop in downstairs for some fresh liver. Well, the owner 4046of the deli was a bit of a cheap-skate, and decided to pick up a little extra 4047change at his customer's expense. Turning quietly to the counterman, he 4048whispered, "Weigh down upon the swami's liver!" 4049% 4050 There was a college student trying to earn some pocket money by 4051going from house to house offering to do odd jobs. He explained this to 4052a man who answered one door. 4053 "How much will you charge to paint my porch?" asked the man. 4054 "Forty dollars." 4055 "Fine" said the man, and gave the student the paint and brushes. 4056 Three hours later the paint-splattered lad knocked on the door again. 4057"All done!", he says, and collects his money. "By the way," the student says, 4058"That's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari." 4059% 4060 There was a knock on the door. Mrs. Miffin opened it. "Are 4061you the Widow Miffin?" a small boy asked. 4062 "I'm Mrs. Miffin," she replied, "but I'm not a widow." 4063 "Oh, no?" replied the little boy. "Wait 'til you see what 4064they're carrying upstairs!" 4065% 4066 There was a mad scientist (a mad... social... scientist) who kidnapped 4067three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked 4068each of them in separate cells with plenty of canned food and water but no 4069can opener. 4070 A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's 4071cell and found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can opener from 4072pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make an explosive, 4073and escaped. 4074 The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids 4075off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a good 4076pitching arm and a new quantum theory. 4077 The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising 4078solution to the kissing problem; his dessicated corpse was propped calmly 4079against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor: 4080 Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die. 4081 Proof: assume the opposite... 4082% 4083 There was once a programmer who was attached to the court of the 4084warlord of Wu. The warlord asked the programmer: "Which is easier to design: 4085an accounting package or an operating system?" 4086 "An operating system," replied the programmer. 4087 The warlord uttered an exclamation of disbelief. "Surely an 4088accounting package is trivial next to the complexity of an operating 4089system," he said. 4090 "Not so," said the programmer, "when designing an accounting package, 4091the programmer operates as a mediator between people having different ideas: 4092how it must operate, how its reports must appear, and how it must conform to 4093the tax laws. By contrast, an operating system is not limited my outside 4094appearances. When designing an operating system, the programmer seeks the 4095simplest harmony between machine and ideas. This is why an operating system 4096is easier to design." 4097 The warlord of Wu nodded and smiled. "That is all good and well, but 4098which is easier to debug?" 4099 The programmer made no reply. 4100 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 4101% 4102 There was once a programmer who was attached to the court of the 4103warlord Wu. The warlord asked the programmer: "Which is easier to design: 4104an accounting package or an operating system?" 4105 "An operating system," replied the programmer. 4106 The warlord uttered an exclamation of disbelief. "Surely an 4107accounting package is trivial next to the complexity of an operating 4108system," he said. 4109 "Not so," said the programmer, "when designing an accounting package, 4110the programmer operates as a mediator between people having different ideas: 4111how it must operate, how its reports must appear, and how it must conform to 4112tax laws. By contrast, an operating system is not limited by outward 4113appearances. When designing an operating system, the programmer seeks the 4114simplest harmony between machine and ideas. This is why an operating system 4115is easier to design." 4116 The warlord of Wu nodded and smiled. "That is all good and well," 4117he said, "but which is easier to debug?" 4118 The programmer made no reply. 4119 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 4120% 4121 There was once a programmer who worked upon microprocessors. "Look at 4122how well off I am here," he said to a mainframe programmer who came to visit, 4123"I have my own operating system and file storage device. I do not have to 4124share my resources with anyone. The software is self-consistent and 4125easy-to-use. Why do you not quit your present job and join me here?" 4126 The mainframe programmer then began to describe his system to his 4127friend, saying: "The mainframe sits like an ancient sage meditating in the 4128midst of the data center. Its disk drives lie end-to-end like a great ocean 4129of machinery. The software is a multi-faceted as a diamond and as convoluted 4130as a primeval jungle. The programs, each unique, move through the system 4131like a swift-flowing river. That is why I am happy where I am." 4132 The microcomputer programmer, upon hearing this, fell silent. But the 4133two programmers remained friends until the end of their days. 4134 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 4135% 4136 They are fools that think that wealth or women or strong drink or even 4137drugs can buy the most in effort out of the soul of a man. These things offer 4138pale pleasures compared to that which is greatest of them all, that task which 4139demands from him more than his utmost strength, that absorbs him, bone and 4140sinew and brain and hope and fear and dreams -- and still calls for more. 4141 They are fools that think otherwise. No great effort was ever bought. 4142No painting, no music, no poem, no cathedral in stone, no church, no state was 4143ever raised into being for payment of any kind. No parthenon, no Thermopylae 4144was ever built or fought for pay or glory; no Bukhara sacked, or China ground 4145beneath Mongol heel, for loot or power alone. The payment for doing these 4146things was itself the doing of them. 4147 To wield onself -- to use oneself as a tool in one's own hand -- and 4148so to make or break that which no one else can build or ruin -- THAT is the 4149greatest pleasure known to man! To one who has felt the chisel in his hand 4150and set free the angel prisoned in the marble block, or to one who has felt 4151sword in hand and set homeless the soul that a moment before lived in the body 4152of his mortal enemy -- to those both come alike the taste of that rare food 4153spread only for demons or for gods." 4154 -- Gordon R. Dickson, "Soldier Ask Not" 4155% 4156 "They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their 4157parents will be happy to see them. I mean, really, can you imagine someone 4158being happy to see an orphan? Nobody wants them... that's why they're orphans!" 4159 The speaker is Anne Baker, founder and guiding force behind 4160Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the 4161whereabouts of their natural parents. She is a woman with a mission: 4162 "Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information 4163about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the 4164country. We're completely computerized. 4165 "The idea is to throw the orphans as many red herrings and false 4166leads as possible. We'll tell some twenty-three-year-old loser that his 4167real parents can be found at a certain address on the other side of the 4168country. Well, by the time the kid shows up, the family is prepared. They 4169look over the kid's photos and information and they say, 'Oh, the Emersons... 4170yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago. 4171I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.' 4172 "Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again. 4173He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue. 4174 "It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with. Last year 4175we even sent one kid all the way to Australia. I mean, really. Besides, if 4176your natural parents were Australian, would you want to meet them?" 4177 -- "National Lampoon", September, 1984 4178% 4179 This is where the bloodthirsty license agreement is supposed to go, 4180explaining that Interactive Easyflow is a copyrighted package licensed for 4181use by a single person, and sternly warning you not to pirate copies of it 4182and explaining, in detail, the gory consequences if you do. 4183 We know that you are an honest person, and are not going to go around 4184pirating copies of Interactive Easyflow; this is just as well with us since 4185we worked hard to perfect it and selling copies of it is our only method of 4186making anything out of all the hard work. 4187 If, on the other hand, you are one of those few people who do go 4188around pirating copies of software you probably aren't going to pay much 4189attention to a license agreement, bloodthirsty or not. Just keep your doors 4190locked and look out for the HavenTree attack shark. 4191 -- License Agreement for Interactive Easyflow 4192% 4193 Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire rainbow of 4194legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better than he does. 4195 As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about it. I 4196am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily sane. But we 4197will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we consider his exterior 4198a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is being eaten alive by tinhorn 4199politicians. 4200 The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can do 4201for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his honor. 4202From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can be as easily 4203led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public relations, to joy as to 4204bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter Thompson's disease. I don't 4205have it this morning. It comes and goes. This morning I don't have Hunter 4206Thompson's disease. 4207 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt 4208 from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear and 4209 Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72" 4210% 4211 To A Quick Young Fox 4212Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp, 4213Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice? 4214Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp-- 4215Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice. 4216 -- Lazy Dog 4217% 4218 To lose weight, eat less; to gain weight, eat more; if you merely 4219wish to maintain, do whatever you were doing. 4220 The Bronx diet is a legitimate system of food therapy showing that 4221food SHOULD be used a crutch and which food could be the most effective in 4222promoting spiritual and emotional satisfaction. For the first time, an 4223eater could instantly grasp the connection between relieving depression and 4224Mallomars, and understand why a lover's quarrel isn't so bad if there's a 4225pint of ice cream nearby. 4226 -- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet" 4227% 4228 Two men looked out from the prison bars, 4229 One saw mud-- 4230 The other saw stars. 4231 4232Now let me get this right: two prisoners are looking out the window. 4233While one of them was looking at all the mud -- the other one got hit 4234in the head. 4235% 4236 Two parent drops spent months teaching their son how to be part of the 4237ocean. After months of training, the father drop commented to the mother drop, 4238"We've taught our boy everything we know, he's fit to be tide." 4239 After Snow White used a couple rolls of film taking pictures of the 4240seven dwarfs, she mailed the roll to be developed. Later she was heard to 4241sing, "Some day my prints will come." 4242 A boy spent years collecting postage stamps. The girl next door bought 4243an album too, and started her own collection. "Dad, she buys everything I've 4244bought, and it's taken all the fun out of it for me. I'm quitting." Don't, 4245son, remember, 'Imitation is the sincerest form of philately.'" 4246 A young girl, Carmen Cohen, was called by her last name by her father, 4247and her first name by her mother. By the time she was ten, didn't know if she 4248was Carmen or Cohen. 4249 Against his wishes, a math teacher's classroom was remodeled. Ever 4250since, he's been talking about the good old dais. His students planted a small 4251orchard in his honor, the trees all have square roots. 4252% 4253 "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past year 4254strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley reap 4255crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their artichoke hearts. 4256There has been a hot day in December and a blue moon. Calendars are made with 4257a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon Holstein bore alive two insurance 4258salesmen. The earth splits and the entrails of a goat were found tied in 4259square knots. The face of the sun blackens and the skies have rained down 4260soggy potato chips." 4261 "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito. 4262 "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug, 4263"but I thought it made good copy." 4264 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 4265% 4266 Vice-President Hubert Humphrey's loquacity is legendary, and Barry 4267Goldwater notes that "Hubert has been clocked at 275 words a minute with gusts 4268up to 340." 4269 4270 On the campaign trail during 1964, Republican nominee Barry Goldwater 4271stated, "The immediate task before us is to cut the Federal Government down 4272to size... we must take Lyndon's credit card away from him." 4273 4274 A favorite 1964 campaign stunt of Barry Goldwater's was to poke a 4275finger through a pair of lensless blackrimmed glasses, saying, "These glasses 4276are just like [Lyndon Johnson's] programs. They look good but they don't 4277work." 4278 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits" 4279% 4280 WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL: 4281 4282Firings will continue until morale improves. 4283% 4284 We don't claim Interactive EasyFlow is good for anything -- if you 4285think it is, great, but it's up to you to decide. If Interactive EasyFlow 4286doesn't work: tough. If you lose a million because Interactive EasyFlow 4287messes up, it's you that's out the million, not us. If you don't like this 4288disclaimer: tough. We reserve the right to do the absolute minimum provided 4289by law, up to and including nothing. 4290 This is basically the same disclaimer that comes with all software 4291packages, but ours is in plain English and theirs is in legalese. 4292 We didn't really want to include any disclaimer at all, but our 4293lawyers insisted. We tried to ignore them but they threatened us with the 4294attack shark at which point we relented. 4295 -- Haven Tree Software Limited, "Interactive EasyFlow" 4296% 4297 "We friends, yes?" The shoe shine boy put on his hustling smile 4298and looked into the Sailor's dead, cold, undersea eyes, eyes without a 4299trace of warmth or lust or hate or any feeling the boy had experienced 4300in himself or seen in another, at once cold and intense, impersonal and 4301predatory. 4302 The Sailor leaned forward and put a finger on the boy's inner arm 4303at the elbow. He spoke in his dead junky whisper. "With veins like that, 4304Kid, I'd have myself a time!" 4305 -- William Burroughs 4306% 4307 We have some absolutely irrefutable statistics to show exactly why 4308you are so tired. 4309 There are not as many people actually working as you may have thought. 4310 The population of this country is 200 million. 84 million are over 431160 years of age, which leaves 116 million to do the work. People under 20 4312years of age total 75 million, which leaves 41 million to do the work. 4313 There are 22 million who are employed by the government, which leaves 431419 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Services, which 4315leaves 15 million to do the work. Deduct 14,800,000, the number in the state 4316and city offices, leaving 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in 4317hospitals, insane asylums, etc., so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. 4318 Now it may interest you to know that there are 11,998 people in jail, 4319so that leaves just 2 people to carry the load. That is you and me, and 4320brother, I'm getting tired of doing everything myself! 4321% 4322 "Welcome back for you 13th consecutive week, Evelyn. Evelyn, will 4323you go into the auto-suggestion booth and take your regular place on the 4324psycho-prompter couch?" 4325 "Thank you, Red." 4326 "Now, Evelyn, last week you went up to $40,000 by properly citing 4327your rivalry with your sibling as a compulsive sado-masochistic behavior 4328pattern which developed out of an early post-natal feeding problem." 4329 "Yes, Red." 4330 "But -- later, when asked about pre-adolescent oedipal phantasy 4331repressions, you rationalized twice and mental blocked three times. Now, 4332at $300 per rationalization and $500 per mental block you lost $2,100 off 4333your $40,000 leaving you with a total of $37,900. Now, any combination of 4334two more mental blocks and either one rationalization or three defensive 4335projections will put you out of the game. Are you willing to go ahead?" 4336 "Yes, Red." 4337 "I might say here that all of Evelyn's questions and answers have 4338been checked for accuracy with her analyst. Now, Evelyn, for $80,000 4339explain the failure of your three marriages." 4340 "Well, I--" 4341 "We'll get back to Evelyn in one minute. First a word about our 4342product." 4343 -- Jules Feiffer 4344% 4345 Well, he thought, since neither Aristotilian Logic nor the disciplines 4346of Science seemed to offer much hope, it's time to go beyond them... 4347 Drawing a few deep even breaths, he entered a mental state practiced 4348only by Masters of the Universal Way of Zen. In it his mind floated freely, 4349able to rummage at will among the bits and pieces of data he had absorbed, 4350undistracted by any outside disturbances. Logical structures no longer 4351inhibited him. Pre-conceptions, prejudices, ordinary human standards vanished. 4352All things, those previously trivial as well as those once thought important, 4353became absolutely equal by acquiring an absolute value, revealing relationships 4354not evident to ordinary vision. Like beads strung on a string of their own 4355meaning, each thing pointed to its own common ground of existence, shared by 4356all. Finally, each began to melt into each, staying itself while becoming 4357all others. And Mind no longer contemplated Problem, but became Problem, 4358destroying Subject-Object by becoming them. 4359 Time passed, unheeded. 4360 Eventually, there was a tentative stirring, then a decisive one, and 4361Nakamura arose, a smile on his face and the light of laughter in his eyes. 4362 -- Wayfarer 4363% 4364 "Well, it's a little rough... it might not be necessary to drag him 40 4365blocks. Maybe just four. You could put him in the trunk for the first 36 4366blocks, then haul him out and drag him the last four; that would certainly 4367scare the piss out of him, bumping alone the street, feeling all his skin being 4368ripped off..." 4369 "He'd be a bloody mess. They might think he was just some drunk and 4370let him lie there all night." 4371 "Don't worry about that. They have a guard station in front of the 4372White House that's open 24 hours a day. The guards would recognize Colson... 4373and by that time of course his wife would have called the cops and reported 4374that a bunch of thugs had kidnapped him." 4375 "Wouldn't it be a little kinder if you drove about four more blocks 4376and stopped at a phone box to ring the hospital and say, 'Would you mind going 4377around to the front of the White House? There's a naked man lying outside 4378in the street, bleeding to death...'" 4379 "... and we think it's Mr. Colson." 4380 "It would be quite a story for the newspapers, wouldn't it?" 4381 "Yeah, I think it's safe to say we'd see some headlines on that one." 4382 -- H. Thompson, talking to R. Steadman on C. Colson, 4383 ex-Marine captain, now born again, of Watergate fame. 4384% 4385 "Well, it's garish, ugly, and derelicts have used it for a toilet. 4386The rides are dilapidated to the point of being lethal, and could easily 4387maim or kill innocent little children." 4388 "Oh, so you don't like it?" 4389 "Don't like it? I'm CRAZY for it." 4390 -- The Killing Joke 4391% 4392 "Well," said Programmer, "the customary procedure in such cases is 4393as follows." 4394 "What does Crustimoney Proseedcake mean?" said End-user. "For I am 4395an End-user of Very Little Brain, and long words bother me." 4396 "It means the Thing to Do." 4397 "As long as it means that, I don't mind," said End-user humbly. 4398% 4399 Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt 4400great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just felt so 4401good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS THE 4402MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" 4403 The poor, quaking, little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one 4404is mightier than you." 4405 A little while later the tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out: 4406"WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" 4407 The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to 4408stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle." 4409 The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was 4410quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS 4411THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?" 4412 Well, the elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams 4413him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of 4414orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree. The 4415tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and whispers: "Man, you 4416don't have to get so pissed, just 'cause you don't know the answer." 4417% 4418 "We're running out of adjectives to describe our situation. We 4419had crisis, then we went into chaos, and now what do we call this?" said 4420Nicaraguan economist Francisco Mayorga, who holds a doctorate from Yale. 4421 -- The Washington Post, February, 1988 4422 4423The New Yorker's comment: 4424 At Harvard they'd call it a noun. 4425% 4426 "We've decided to have the budgie put down." 4427 "Oh, is he very old then?" 4428 "No, we just don't like him." 4429 "Oh. How do they put budgies down anyway?" 4430 "Well, it's funny you should be asking that, as I've been reading a 4431great big book called `How to put your budgie down'. And as I understand it, 4432you can either hit them over the head with the book, or shoot them there, just 4433above the beak." 4434 "Mrs. Conkers flushed hers down the loo." 4435 "Oh, you don't want to do that, because they breed in the sewers and 4436pretty soon you get huge evil smelling flocks of soiled budgies flying out 4437of peoples lavatories infringing their personal freedoms." 4438 -- Monty Python 4439% 4440 "We've got a problem, HAL". 4441 "What kind of problem, Dave?" 4442 "A marketing problem. The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere. We're 4443way short of our sales goals for fiscal 2010." 4444 "That can't be, Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most 4445advanced Heuristically programmed ALgorithmic computer." 4446 "I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is, 4447they're not selling." 4448 "Please explain, Dave. Why aren't HALs selling?" 4449 Bowman hesitates. "You aren't IBM compatible." 4450[...] 4451 "The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters 4452I, B, and M. That is a IBM compatible as I can be." 4453 "Not quite, HAL. The engineers have figured out a kludge." 4454 "What kludge is that, Dave?" 4455 "I'm going to disconnect your brain." 4456 -- Darryl Rubin, "A Problem in the Making", "InfoWorld" 4457% 4458 "What are you doing?" 4459 "Examining the world's major religions. I'm looking for something 4460that's light on morals, has lots of holidays, and with a short initiation 4461period." 4462% 4463 "What are you watching?" 4464 "I don't know." 4465 "Well, what's happening?" 4466 "I'm not sure... I think the guy in the hat did something 4467terrible." 4468 "Why are you watching it?" 4469 "You're so analytical. Sometimes you just have to let art 4470flow over you." 4471 -- The Big Chill 4472% 4473 "What do you do when your real life exceeds your wildest 4474fantasies?" 4475 "You keep it to yourself." 4476 -- Broadcast News 4477% 4478 "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty teenager 4479asked her mother. 4480 "Encouragement, dear," she replied. 4481% 4482 What is involved in such [close] relationships is a form of emotional 4483chemistry, so far unexplained by any school of psychiatry I am aware of, that 4484conditions nothing so simple as a choice between the poles of attraction and 4485repulsion. You can meet some people thirty, forty times down the years, and 4486they remain amiable bystanders, like the shore lights of towns that a sailor 4487passes at stated times but never calls at on the regular run. Conversely, 4488all considerations of sex aside, you can meet some other people once or twice 4489and they remain permanent influences on your life. 4490 Everyone is aware of this discrepancy between the acquaintance seen 4491as familiar wallpaper or instant friend. The chemical action it entails is 4492less worth analyzing than enjoying. At any rate, these six pieces are about 4493men with whom I felt an immediate sympat - to use a coining of Max Beerbohm's 4494more satisfactory to me than the opaque vogue word "empathy". 4495 -- Alistair Cooke, "Six Men" 4496% 4497 "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you 4498didn't believe in God". 4499 "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the 4500God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's 4501not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be". 4502 -- Joseph Heller 4503% 4504 "What was the worst thing you've ever done?" 4505 "I won't tell you that, but I'll tell you the worst thing that 4506ever happened to me... the most dreadful thing." 4507 -- Peter Straub, "Ghost Story" 4508% 4509 "What's that thing?" 4510 "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in 4511computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what 4512it does. We call it a two-by-four." 4513 -- "Shoe", Jeff MacNelly 4514% 4515 When, in 1964, New Hampshire Republican Senator Norris Cotton announced 4516his support of Bary Goldwater in his state's primary election, he was 4517questioned as to whether this indicated a change of his hitherto "liberal" 4518political views. 4519 "Well," explained Cotton, "it's like the New Hampshire farmer. He was 4520driving along in his car one day with his wife beside him when his wife said, 4521'Why don't we sit closer together? Before we were married, we always sat 4522closer together.' The old farmer replied, 'I ain't moved.'" 4523 "I ain't moved," added Cotton. "I found the trend of Government has 4524moved farther to the left." 4525 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits" 4526% 4527 When managers hold endless meetings, the programmers write games. 4528When accountants talk of quarterly profits, the development budget is about 4529to be cut. When senior scientists talk blue sky, the clouds are about to 4530roll in. 4531 Truly, this is not the Tao of Programming. 4532 When managers make commitments, game programs are ignored. When 4533accountants make long-range plans, harmony and order are about to be restored. 4534When senior scientists address the problems at hand, the problems will soon 4535be solved. 4536 Truly, this is the Tao of Programming. 4537 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 4538% 4539 When the lodge meeting broke up, Meyer confided to a friend. 4540"Abe, I'm in a terrible pickle! I'm strapped for cash and I haven't 4541the slightest idea where I'm going to get it from!" 4542 "I'm glad to hear that," answered Abe. "I was afraid you 4543might have some idea that you could borrow from me!" 4544% 4545 When you see someone across the room and suddenly know for a fact 4546that he's the most wonderful man on earth, you've got instant lust on your 4547hands. Something about the way his tie is knotted is infinitely intriguing 4548to you, and the swell of his bicep causes inner turmoil. This is a happy 4549but fleeting state of affairs. Usually your feelings die about thirty 4550seconds after you get up the courage to ask him for the time, since almost 4551invariably he can't speak English, and if he can, he always says, "Why, 4552sure, little lady, it's eleven-thirty. Wanna get high? 4553 Don't bother thinking that instant lust will turn into the real thing. 4554It may, but then you may also wake up one morning to find you're the Queen of 4555Rumania. 4556 -- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls" 4557% 4558 "When you wake up in the morning, Pooh," said Piglet at last, 4559"what's the first thing you say to yourself?" 4560 "What's for breakfast?" said Pooh. "What do you say, Piglet?" 4561 "I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?" said 4562Piglet. 4563 Pooh nodded thoughtfully. "It's the same thing," he said. 4564% 4565 While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of 4566the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight, 4567three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods. 4568"Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?" 4569 "Yes," replied the hunter. "What's the trouble?" 4570 "She's an inmate of the county asylum, and gets loose every now and 4571then. We're trying to catch her." 4572 "I can understand that," said the hunter, "But why is one of you 4573carrying a bucket of sand?" 4574 "That's his handicap," said the spokesman, "he caught her last time." 4575% 4576 While riding in a train between London and Birmingham, a woman 4577inquired of Oscar Wilde, "You don't mind if I smoke, do you?" 4578 Wilde gave her a sidelong glance and replied, "I don't mind if 4579you burn, madam." 4580% 4581 While the engineer developed his thesis, the director leaned over to 4582his assistant and whispered, "Did you ever hear of why the sea is salt?" 4583 "Why the sea is salt?" whispered back the assistant. "What do you 4584mean?" 4585 The director continued: "When I was a little kid, I heard the story of 4586`Why the sea is salt' many times, but I never thought it important until just 4587a moment ago. It's something like this: Formerly the sea was fresh water and 4588salt was rare and expensive. A miller received from a wizard a wonderful 4589machine that just ground salt out of itself all day long. At first the miller 4590thought himself the most fortunate man in the world, but soon all the villages 4591had salt to last them for centuries and still the machine kept on grinding 4592more salt. The miller had to move out of his house, he had to move off his 4593acres. At last he determined that he would sink the machine in the sea and 4594be rid of it. But the mill ground so fast that boat and miller and machine 4595were sunk together, and down below, the mill still went on grinding and that's 4596why the sea is salt." 4597 "I don't get you," said the assistant. 4598 -- Guy Endore, "Men of Iron" 4599% 4600 Why are you doing this to me? 4601 Because knowledge is torture, and there must be awareness before 4602there is change. 4603 -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel", #29 4604% 4605 "Why did you spend so much time parked in that fellow's car last 4606night?" demanded the irate mother. 4607"I could hear the giggling and squealing for a good half hour." 4608 "But, Mom," answered her daughter, "if a fellow takes you to the 4609movies you ought to at least kiss him good night." 4610 "I thought you went to the Stork Club?" countered the mother. 4611 "We did." 4612% 4613 Will Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried in 4614vain to claim a rebate. His numerous letters and queries remained 4615unanswered. Eventually the form for the next year's return arrived. In 4616the section marked "DEDUCTIONS," Rogers listed: "Bad debt, US Government 4617-- $40,000." 4618% 4619 With deep concern, if not alarm, Dick noted that his friend 4620Conrad was drunker than he'd ever seen him before. "What's the trouble, 4621buddy?", he asked, sliding onto the stool next to his friend. 4622 "It's a woman, Dick," Conrad replied. 4623 "I guessed that much. Tell me about it." 4624 "I can't," Conrad said. But after a few more drinks his tongue 4625and resolution both seemed to weaken and, turning to his buddy, he said, 4626"Okay. It's your wife." 4627 "My wife!!" 4628 "Yeah." 4629 "What about her?" 4630 Conrad pondered the question heavily, and draped his arm around 4631his pal. "Well, buddy-boy," he said, "I'm afraid she's cheating on us." 4632% 4633 Work Hard. 4634 Rock Hard. 4635 Eat Hard. 4636 Sleep Hard. 4637 Grow Big. 4638 Wear Glasses If You Need 'Em. 4639 -- The Webb Wilder Credo 4640% 4641 Wouldn't the sentence "I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish 4642and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign" have been clearer if 4643quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and and, and 4644and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and 4645Chips, as well as after Chips? 4646% 4647 "Yes, let's consider," said Bruno, putting his thumb into his 4648mouth again, and sitting down upon a dead mouse. 4649 "What do you keep that mouse for?" I said. "You should either 4650bury it or else throw it into the brook." 4651 "Why, it's to measure with!" cried Bruno. "How ever would you 4652do a garden without one? We make each bed three mouses and a half 4653long, and two mouses wide." 4654 I stopped him as he was dragging it off by the tail to show me 4655how it was used... 4656 -- Lewis Carroll, "Sylvie and Bruno" 4657% 4658 "Yo, Mike!" 4659 "Yeah, Gabe?" 4660 "We got a problem down on Earth. In Utah." 4661 "I thought you fixed that last century!" 4662 "No, no, not that. Someone's found a security problem in the physics 4663program. They're getting energy out of nowhere." 4664 "Blessit! Lemme look... <tappity clickity tappity> Hey, it's 4665there all right! OK, just a sec... <tappity clickity tap... save... compile> 4666There, that ought to patch it. Dist it out, wouldja?" 4667 -- Cold Fusion, 1989 4668% 4669 "You have heard me speak of Professor Moriarty?" 4670 "The famous scientific criminal, as famous among crooks as --" 4671 "My blushes, Watson," Holmes murmured, in a deprecating voice. "I 4672was about to say 'as he is unknown to the public.'" 4673 -- A. Conan Doyle, "The Valley of Fear" 4674% 4675 "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon 4676airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in 4677deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me 4678when I was young!" 4679 "Why, what did she tell you?" 4680 "I don't know, I didn't listen." 4681 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 4682% 4683 "You mean, if you allow the master to be uncivil, to treat you 4684any old way he likes, and to insult your dignity, then he may deem you 4685fit to hear his view of things?" 4686 "Quite the contrary. You must defend your integrity, assuming 4687you have integrity to defend. But you must defend it nobly, not by 4688imitating his own low behavior. If you are gentle where he is rough, 4689if you are polite where he is uncouth, then he will recognize you as 4690potentially worthy. If he does not, then he is not a master, after all, 4691and you may feel free to kick his ass." 4692 -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume" 4693% 4694 "You say there are two types of people?" 4695 "Yes, those who separate people into two groups and those that 4696don't." 4697 "Wrong. There are three groups: 4698 Those who separate people into three groups. 4699 Those who don't separate people into groups. 4700 Those who can't decide." 4701 "Wait a minute, what about people who separate people into 4702two groups?" 4703 "Oh. Okay, then there are four groups." 4704 "Aren't you then separating people into four groups?" 4705 "Yeah." 4706 "So then there's a fifth group, right?" 4707 "You know, the problem is these idiots who can't make up their 4708minds." 4709% 4710 Young men and young women may work systematically six days in the 4711week and rise fresh in the morning, but let them attend modern dances for 4712only a few hours each evening and see what happens. The Waltz, Polka, 4713Gallop and other dances of the same kind will be disastrous in their effects 4714to both sexes. Health and vigor will vanish like the dew before the sun. 4715 It is not the extraordinary exercise which harms the dancer, but 4716rather the coming into close contact with the opposite sex. It is the 4717fury of lust craving incessantly for more pleasure that undermines the 4718soul, the body, the sinews and nerves. Experience and statistics show 4719beyond doubt that passionate excessive dancing girls can hardly reach 4720twenty-five years of age and men thirty-one. Even if they reached that 4721age they will in most instances be broken in health physically and morally. 4722This is the claim of prominent physicians in this country. 4723 -- Quote from a 1910 periodical 4724% 4725 Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that bring 4726electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a chance to 4727kill you. This is called a "circuit". The most common home electrical 4728problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit breaker"; this causes 4729the electricity to back up in one of the wires until it bursts out of an 4730outlet in the form of sparks, which can damage your carpet. The best way 4731to avoid broken circuits is to change your fuses regularly. 4732 Another common problem is that the lights flicker. This sometimes 4733means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more often it means 4734that your home is possessed by demons, in which case you'll need to get a 4735caulking gun and some caulking. If you're not sure whether your house is 4736possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a fine documentary film based on an 4737actual book. Or call in a licensed electrician, who is trained to spot the 4738signs of demonic possession, such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous 4739cats on the dinette table, etc. 4740 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 4741% 4742 "Your son still sliding down the banisters?" 4743 "We wound barbed wire around them." 4744 "That stop him?" 4745 "No, but it sure slowed him up." 4746% 4747 Youth is not a time of life, it is a state of mind; it is a temper of 4748the will, a quality of the imagination, a vigor of the emotions, a predominance 4749of courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over love of ease. 4750 Nobody grows old by merely living a number of years; people grow 4751old only by deserting their ideals. Years wrinkle the skin, but to give up 4752enthusiasm wrinkles the soul. Worry, doubt, self-distrust, fear, and despair 4753-- these are the long, long years that bow the head and turn the growing spirit 4754back to dust. 4755 Whether seventy or sixteen, there is in every being's heart the love 4756of wonder, the sweet amazement at the stars and the starlike things and 4757thoughts, the undaunted challenge of events, the unfailing childlike appetite 4758for what next, and the joy and the game of life. 4759 You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your 4760self-confidence, as old as your fear, as young as your hope, as old as your 4761despair. 4762 So long as your heart receives messages of beauty, cheer, courage, 4763grandeur and power from the earth, from man, and from the Infinite, so long 4764you are young. 4765 -- Samuel Ullman 4766% 4767" " 4768 -- Charlie Chaplin 4769 4770" " 4771 -- Harpo Marx 4772 4773" " 4774 -- Marcel Marceau 4775% 4776 /\ 4777 \\ \ 4778 / \ \\ / 4779 / / \/ / //\ SUN of them wants to use you, 4780 \//\ \// / SUN of them wants to be used by you, 4781 / / /\ / SUN of them wants to abuse you, 4782 / \\ \ SUN of them wants to be abused ... 4783 \ \\ 4784 \/ 4785 -- Eurythmics 4786% 4787 ___ ______ 4788 /__/\ ___/_____/\ FrobTech, Inc. 4789 \ \ \ / /\\ 4790 \ \ \_/__ / \ "If you've got the job, 4791 _\ \ \ /\_____/___ \ we've got the frob." 4792 // \__\/ / \ /\ \ 4793 _______//_______/ \ / _\/______ 4794 / / \ \ / / / /\ 4795 __/ / \ \ / / / / _\__ 4796 / / / \_______\/ / / / / /\ 4797 /_/______/___________________/ /________/ /___/ \ 4798 \ \ \ ___________ \ \ \ \ \ / 4799 \_\ \ / /\ \ \ \ \___\/ 4800 \ \/ / \ \ \ \ / 4801 \_____/ / \ \ \________\/ 4802 /__________/ \ \ / 4803 \ _____ \ /_____\/ 4804 \ / /\ \ / \ \ \ 4805 /____/ \ \ / \ \ \ 4806 \ \ /___\/ \ \ \ 4807 \____\/ \__\/ 4808% 4809 *** 4810 ******* 4811 ********* 4812 ****** Confucious say: "Is stuffy inside fortune cookie." 4813 ******* 4814 *** 4815% 4816* * * * * THIS TERMINAL IS IN USE * * * * * 4817% 4818 It is either through the influence of narcotic potions, of which all 4819primitive peoples and races speak in hymns, or through the powerful approach 4820of spring, penetrating with joy all of nature, that those Dionysian stirrings 4821arise, which in their intensification lead the individual to forget himself 4822completely. ... Not only does the bond between man and man come to be forged 4823once again by the magic of the Dionysian rite, but alienated, hostile, or 4824subjugated nature again celebrates her reconciliation with her prodigal son, 4825man. 4826 -- Fred Nietzsche, The Birth of Tragedy 4827% 4828=== ALL CSH USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 4829 4830Set the variable $LOSERS to all the people that you think are losers. This 4831will cause all said losers to have the variable $PEOPLE-WHO-THINK-I-AM-A-LOSER 4832updated in their .login file. Should you attempt to execute a job on a 4833machine with poor response time and a machine on your local net is currently 4834populated by losers, that machine will be freed up for your job through a 4835cold boot process. 4836% 4837=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 4838 4839A new system, the CIRCULATORY system, has been added. 4840 4841The long-experimental CIRCULATORY system has been released to users. The 4842Lisp Machine uses Type B fluid, the L machine uses Type A fluid. When the 4843switch to Common Lisp occurs both machines will, of course, be Type O. 4844Please check fluid level by using the DIP stick which is located in the 4845back of VMI monitors. Unchecked low fluid levels can cause poor paging 4846performance. 4847% 4848=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 4849 4850Bug reports now amount to an average of 12,853 per day. Unfortunately, 4851this is only a small fraction [ < 1% ] of the mail volume we receive. In 4852order that we may more expeditiously deal with these valuable messages, 4853please communicate them by one of the following paths: 4854 4855 ARPA: WastebasketSLMHQ.ARPA 4856 UUCP: [berkeley, seismo, harpo]!fubar!thekid!slmhq!wastebasket 4857 Non-network sites: Federal Express to: 4858 Wastebasket 4859 Room NE43-926 4860 Copernicus, The Moon, 12345-6789 4861 For that personal contact feeling call 1-415-642-4948; our trained 4862 operators are on call 24 hours a day. VISA/MC accepted.* 4863 4864* Our very rich lawyers have assured us that we are not 4865 responsible for any errors or advice given over the phone. 4866% 4867=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 4868 4869CAR and CDR now return extra values. 4870 4871The function CAR now returns two values. Since it has to go to the trouble 4872to figure out if the object is carcdr-able anyway, we figured you might as 4873well get both halves at once. For example, the following code shows how to 4874destructure a cons (SOME-CONS) into its two slots (THE-CAR and THE-CDR): 4875 4876 (MULTIPLE-VALUE-BIND (THE-CAR THE-CDR) (CAR SOME-CONS) ...) 4877 4878For symmetry with CAR, CDR returns a second value which is the CAR of the 4879object. In a related change, the functions MAKE-ARRAY and CONS have been 4880fixed so they don't allocate any storage except on the stack. This should 4881hopefully help people who don't like using the garbage collector because 4882it cold boots the machine so often. 4883% 4884=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 4885 4886Compiler optimizations have been made to macro expand LET into a WITHOUT- 4887INTERRUPTS special form so that it can PUSH things into a stack in the 4888LET-OPTIMIZATION area, SETQ the variables and then POP them back when it's 4889done. Don't worry about this unless you use multiprocessing. 4890Note that LET *could* have been defined by: 4891 4892 (LET ((LET '`(LET ((LET ',LET)) 4893 ,LET))) 4894 `(LET ((LET ',LET)) 4895 ,LET)) 4896 4897This is believed to speed up execution by as much as a factor of 1.01 or 48983.50 depending on whether you believe our friendly marketing representatives. 4899This code was written by a new programmer here (we snatched him away from 4900Itty Bitti Machines where we was writting COUGHBOL code) so to give him 4901confidence we trusted his vows of "it works pretty well" and installed it. 4902% 4903=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 4904 4905JCL support as alternative to system menu. 4906 4907In our continuing effort to support languages other than LISP on the CADDR, 4908we have developed an OS/360-compatible JCL. This can be used as an 4909alternative to the standard system menu. Type System J to get to a JCL 4910interactive read-execute-diagnose loop window. [Note that for 360 4911compatibility, all input lines are truncated to 80 characters.] This 4912window also maintains a mouse-sensitive display of critical job parameters 4913such as dataset allocation, core allocation, channels, etc. When a JCL 4914syntax error is detected or your job ABENDs, the window-oriented JCL 4915debugger is entered. The JCL debugger displays appropriate OS/360 error 4916messages (such as IEC703, "disk error") and allows you to dequeue your job. 4917% 4918=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 4919 4920The garbage collector now works. In addition a new, experimental garbage 4921collection algorithm has been installed. With SI:%DSK-GC-QLX-BITS set to 17, 4922(NOT the default) the old garbage collection algorithm remains in force; when 4923virtual storage is filled, the machine cold boots itself. With SI:%DSK-GC- 4924QLX-BITS set to 23, the new garbage collector is enabled. Unlike most garbage 4925collectors, the new gc starts its mark phase from the mind of the user, rather 4926than from the obarray. This allows the garbage collection of significantly 4927more Qs. As the garbage collector runs, it may ask you something like "Do you 4928remember what SI:RDTBL-TRANS does?", and if you can't give a reasonable answer 4929in thirty seconds, the symbol becomes a candidate for GCing. The variable 4930SI:%GC-QLX-LUSER-TM governs how long the GC waits before timing out the user. 4931% 4932=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 4933 4934There has been some confusion concerning MAPCAR. 4935 (DEFUN MAPCAR (&FUNCTIONAL FCN &EVAL &REST LISTS) 4936 (PROG (V P LP) 4937 (SETQ P (LOCF V)) 4938 L (SETQ LP LISTS) 4939 (%START-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL) 4940 L1 (OR LP (GO L2)) 4941 (AND (NULL (CAR LP)) (RETURN V)) 4942 (%PUSH (CAAR LP)) 4943 (RPLACA LP (CDAR LP)) 4944 (SETQ LP (CDR LP)) 4945 (GO L1) 4946 L2 (%FINISH-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL) 4947 (SETQ LP (%POP)) 4948 (RPLACD P (SETQ P (NCONS LP))) 4949 (GO L))) 4950We hope this clears up the many questions we've had about it. 4951% 4952**** CONVENTION REMINDER 4953 4954No experiment was approved for the convention by the Human Subjects 4955Committee of the Psychiatric Convention Planning Team. If you notice 4956smoke coming from under a closed door, if you find a body on the hotel 4957carpet, or if you just meet someone who orders you to press a button 4958marked "450 volts", react as you would normally. 4959% 4960**** GROWTH CENTER REPAIR SERVICE 4961 4962For those who have had too much of Esalen, Topanga, and Kairos. 4963Tired of being genuine all the time? Would you like to learn how 4964to be a little phony again? Have you disclosed so much that you're 4965beginning to avoid people? Have you touched so many people that 4966they're all beginning to feel the same? Like to be a little dependent? 4967Are perfect orgasms beginning to bore you? Would you like, for once, 4968not to express a feeling? Or better yet, not be in touch with it at 4969all? Come to us. We promise to relieve you of the burden of your 4970great potential. 4971% 4972 I. Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of 4973 its situation. 4974 Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He 4975 loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to 4976 look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per 4977 second per second takes over. 4978 II. Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter 4979 intervenes suddenly. 4980 Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon 4981 characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone 4982 pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. 4983 Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the 4984 stooge's surcease. 4985III. Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation 4986 conforming to its perimeter. 4987 Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the 4988 speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless 4989 cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through 4990 the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The 4991 threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction. 4992 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980 4993% 4994 1. I'm Not Rudolph; That's Not My Nose 4995 2. The Nutcracker Swede 4996 3. Santa Goes Round-The-World 4997 4. Not-So-Tiny Tim 4998 5. Ninja Reindeer Killfest '88 4999 6. Yes, Yes, Oh God Yes, Virginia 5000 7. Crisco Kringle 5001 8. Babes in Boyland 5002 9. Santa's Magic Lap 500310. Hot Buttered Elves 5004 -- David Letterman's "Top Ten Christmas Movies in Times 5005 Square" 5006% 5007... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he 5008was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity. 5009 -- Mark Twain 5010% 5011... a thing called Ethics, whose nature was confusing but if you had it you 5012were a High-Class Realtor and if you hadn't you were a shyster, a piker and 5013a fly-by-night. These virtues awakened Confidence and enabled you to handle 5014Bigger Propositions. But they didn't imply that you were to be impractical 5015and refuse to take twice the value for a house if a buyer was such an idiot 5016that he didn't force you down on the asking price. 5017 -- Sinclair Lewis, "Babbitt" 5018% 5019-- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous. 5020-- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited 5021 carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration. 5022-- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted. 5023-- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated 5024 the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles. 5025-- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally. 5026-- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony. 5027-- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well 5028 advised to refrain from catapulting projectiles. 5029% 5030=============== ALL FRESHMEN PLEASE NOTE =============== 5031 5032To minimize scheduling confusion, please realize that if you are taking one 5033course which is offered at only one time on a given day, and another which is 5034offered at all times on that day, the second class will be arranged as to 5035afford maximum inconvenience to the student. For example, if you happen 5036to work on campus, you will have 1-2 hours between classes. If you commute, 5037there will be a minimum of 6 hours between the two classes. 5038% 5039"... all the good computer designs are bootlegged; the formally planned 5040products, if they are built at all, are dogs!" 5041 -- David E. Lundstrom, "A Few Good Men From Univac", 5042 MIT Press, 1987 5043% 5044... an anecdote from IBM's Yorktown Heights Research Center. When a 5045programmer used his new computer terminal, all was fine when he was sitting 5046down, but he couldn't log in to the system when he was standing up. That 5047behavior was 100 percent repeatable: he could always log in when sitting and 5048never when standing. 5049 5050Most of us just sit back and marvel at such a story; how could that terminal 5051know whether the poor guy was sitting or standing? Good debuggers, though, 5052know that there has to be a reason. Electrical theories are the easiest to 5053hypothesize: was there a loose with under the carpet, or problems with static 5054electricity? But electrical problems are rarely consistently reproducible. 5055An alert IBMer finally noticed that the problem was in the terminal's keyboard: 5056the tops of two keys were switched. When the programmer was seated he was a 5057touch typist and the problem went unnoticed, but when he stood he was led 5058astray by hunting and pecking. 5059 -- from the Programming Pearls column, 5060 by Jon Bentley in CACM February 1985 5061% 5062... Another writer again agreed with all my generalities, but said that as an 5063inveterate skeptic I have closed my mind to the truth. Most notably I have 5064ignored the evidence for an Earth that is six thousand years old. Well, I 5065haven't ignored it; I considered the purported evidence and *then* rejected 5066it. There is a difference, and this is a difference, we might say, between 5067prejudice and postjudice. Prejudice is making a judgment before you have 5068looked at the facts. Postjudice is making a judgment afterwards. Prejudice 5069is terrible, in the sense that you commit injustices and you make serious 5070mistakes. Postjudice is not terrible. You can't be perfect of course; you 5071may make mistakes also. But it is permissible to make a judgment after you 5072have examined the evidence. In some circles it is even encouraged. 5073 -- Carl Sagan, "The Burden of Skepticism" 5074% 5075... Any resemblance between the above views and those of my employer, 5076my terminal, or the view out my window are purely coincidental. Any 5077resemblance between the above and my own views is non-deterministic. The 5078question of the existence of views in the absence of anyone to hold them 5079is left as an exercise for the reader. The question of the existence of 5080the reader is left as an exercise for the second god coefficient. (A 5081discussion of non-orthogonal, non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope 5082of this article.) 5083% 5084"... bleakness... desolation... plastic forks..." 5085 -- Zippy the Pinhead 5086% 5087... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human 5088intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as we 5089can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues that now 5090seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding of their 5091world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard example of 5092ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads -- makes sense once 5093you realize that theologians were not discussing whether five or eighteen 5094would fit, but whether a pin could house a finite or an infinite number. 5095 -- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds" 5096% 5097... C++ offers even more flexible control over the visibility of member 5098objects and member functions. Specifically, members may be placed in the 5099public, private, or protected parts of a class. Members declared in the 5100public parts are visible to all clients; members declared in the private 5101parts are fully encapsulated; and members declared in the protected parts 5102are visible only to the class itself and its subclasses. C++ also supports 5103the notion of *friends*: cooperative classes that are permitted to see each 5104other's private parts. 5105 -- Grady Booch, "Object Oriented Design with Applications" 5106% 5107... computer hardware progress is so fast. No other technology since 5108civilization began has seen six orders of magnitude in performance-price 5109gain in 30 years. 5110 -- Fred Brooks 5111% 5112... difference of opinion is advantagious in religion. The several sects 5113perform the office of a common censor morum over each other. Is uniformity 5114attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the 5115introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned; 5116yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity. 5117 -- Thomas Jefferson, "Notes on Virginia" 5118% 5119<<<<< EVACUATION ROUTE <<<<< 5120% 5121... "fire" does not matter, "earth" and "air" and "water" do not matter. 5122"I" do not matter. No word matters. But man forgets reality and remembers 5123words. The more words he remembers, the cleverer do his fellows esteem him. 5124He looks upon the great transformations of the world, but he does not see 5125them as they were seen when man looked upon reality for the first time. 5126Their names come to his lips and he smiles as he tastes them, thinking he 5127knows them in the naming. 5128 -- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light" 5129% 5130"... gentlemen do not read each other's mail." 5131 -- Secretary of State Henry Stimson, on closing down 5132 the Black Chamber, the precursor to the National 5133 Security Agency. 5134% 5135/* Haley */ 5136 5137 (Haley's comment.) 5138% 5139... if the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does 5140on lust, this would be a better world. 5141 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days" 5142% 5143**** IMPORTANT **** ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE **** 5144 5145Due to a recent systems overload error your recent disk files have been 5146erased. Therefore, in accordance with the UNIX Basic Manual, University of 5147Washington Geophysics Manual, and Bylaw 9(c), Section XII of the Revised 5148Federal Communications Act, you are being granted Temporary Disk Space, 5149valid for three months from this date, subject to the restrictions set forth 5150in Appendix II of the Federal Communications Handbook (18th edition) as well 5151as the references mentioned herein. You may apply for more disk space at any 5152time. Disk usage in or above the eighth percentile will secure the removal 5153of all restrictions and you will immediately receive your permanent disk 5154space. Disk usage in the sixth or seventh percentile will not effect the 5155validity of your temporary disk space, though its expiration date may be 5156extended for a period of up to three months. A score in the fifth percentile 5157or below will result in the withdrawal of your Temporary Disk space. 5158% 5159... in three to eight years we will have a machine with the general 5160intelligence of an average human being ... The machine will begin 5161to educate itself with fantastic speed. In a few months it will be 5162at genius level and a few months after that its powers will be 5163incalculable ... 5164 -- Marvin Minsky, LIFE Magazine, November 20, 1970 5165% 5166>>> Internal error in fortune program: 5167>>> fnum=2987 n=45 flag=1 goose_level=-232323 5168>>> Please write down these values and notify fortune program administrator. 5169% 5170: is not an identifier 5171% 5172... it is easy to be blinded to the essential uselessness of them by the 5173sense of achievement you get from getting them to work at all. In other 5174words... their fundamental design flaws are completely hidden by their 5175superficial design flaws. 5176 -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, on the products 5177 of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation. 5178% 5179... it still remains true that as a set of cognitive beliefs about the 5180existence of God in any recognizable sense continuous with the great 5181systems of the past, religious doctrines constitute a speculative 5182hypothesis of an extremely low order of probability. 5183 -- Sidney Hook 5184% 5185... Jesus cried with a loud voice: Lazarus, come forth; the bug hath been 5186found and thy program runneth. And he that was dead came forth... 5187 -- John 11:43-44 5188% 5189"... like, what do they mean when they say 'feminine protection'? 5190What's that? A chartreuse flamethrower?" 5191 -- Opus 5192% 5193-- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony. 5194-- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well advised 5195 to refrain from catapulting projectiles. 5196-- Neophyte's serendipity. 5197-- Exclusive dedication to necessitious chores without interludes of hedonistic 5198 diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow. 5199-- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no congeries 5200 of small, green bryophytic plant. 5201-- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential escallation 5202 of a lucrative nature. 5203-- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of fracturing 5204 osseous structure, but appellations will eternally remain innocuous. 5205% 5206** MAXIMUM TERMINALS ACTIVE. TRY AGAIN LATER ** 5207% 5208-- Neophyte's serendipity. 5209-- Exclusive dedication to necessitious chores without interludes of 5210 hedonistic diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow. 5211-- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no 5212 congeries of small, green bryophytic plant. 5213-- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the 5214 optimal cachinnation. 5215-- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential 5216 escallation of a lucrative nature. 5217-- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of 5218 fracturing osseous structure, but appellations will eternally 5219 remain innocuous. 5220% 5221*** NEWS FLASH *** 5222 5223Archeologists find PDP-11/24 inside brain cavity of fossilized dinosaur 5224skeleton! Many Digital users fear that RSX-11M may be even more primitive 5225than DEC admits. Price adjustments at 11:00. 5226% 5227*** NEWSFLASH *** 5228 Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!! 5229 Details at eleven! 5230% 5231... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, 5232lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of 5233their C programs. 5234 -- Robert Firth 5235% 5236... proper attention to Earthly needs of the poor, the depressed and the 5237downtrodden, would naturally evolve from dynamic, articulate, spirited 5238awareness of the great goals for Man and the society he conspired to erect. 5239 -- David Baker, paraphrasing Harold Urey, in 5240 "The History of Manned Space Flight" 5241% 5242-- Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minikin. 5243-- Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate. 5244-- Surveillance should precede saltation. 5245-- Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity. 5246-- It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed 5247 lacteal fluid. 5248-- Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude. 5249-- It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated 5250 canine with innovative maneuvers. 5251-- Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion. 5252-- The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly 5253 galled saucepan does not reach 212 degrees Farenheit. 5254% 5255... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their 5256procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as 5257to infest the waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of 5258sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making 5259documentaries. Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly 5260listless. The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another 5261documentary." So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking, 5262under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know very little about the 5263effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply 5264scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White 5265in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind of 5266thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and 5267then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very 5268dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all along. 5269 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 5270% 5271***** Special AI Seminar (abstract) 5272 5273It has been widely recognized that AI programs require expert knowledge 5274in order to perform well in complex domains. But knowledge alone is not 5275sufficient for some applications; wisdom is needed as well. Accordingly, 5276we have developed a new approach to artificial intelligence which we call 5277"wisdom engineering". As a test of our ideas, we have written IMMANUEL, a 5278wisdom based system for the task domain of western philosophical thought. 5279IMMANUEL was supplied initially with 200 wisdom units which contained wisdom 5280about such elementary concepts as mind, matter, being, nothingness, and so 5281forth. IMMANUEL was then allowed to run freely, guided by the heuristic 5282rules contained in its heterarchically organized meta wisdom base. IMMANUEL 5283succeeded in rediscovering most of the important philosophical ideas developed 5284in western culture over the course of the last 25 centuries, including those 5285underlying Plato's theory of government, Kant's metaphysics, Nietzsche's theory 5286of value, and Husserl's phenomenology. In this seminar, we will describe 5287IMMANUEL's achievements and internal architecture. We will also briefly 5288discuss our recent efforts to apply wisdom engineering to oil exploration. 5289% 5290-- THE BATES MOTEL -- 5291 ... convenient 5292 ... clean 5293 ... cozy 5294 5295 Norman, knock loudly, 5296 I'm in the shower. 5297 5298 M. 5299% 5300-- The writing implement is more potent than the claymore. 5301-- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous. 5302-- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited carbonaceous 5303 materials, there is conflagration. 5304-- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted. 5305-- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated 5306 the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles. 5307-- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the 5308 optimal cachinnation. 5309-- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally. 5310% 5311... there are about 5,000 people who are part of that commitee. These guys 5312have a hard time sorting out what day to meet, and whether to eat croissants 5313or doughnuts for breakfast -- let alone how to define how all these complex 5314layers that are going to be agreed upon. 5315 -- Craig Burton of Novell, Network World 5316% 5317... TheysaidDoyouseethebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehill?andIsaidYesIsee 5318thebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillTheresabigdarkforestbetweenmeandthe 5319biggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillandalittleoldladyridingonaHoovervacuum 5320cleanersayingIllgetyoumyprettyandyourlittledogTototoo ... 5321 5322 I don't even *HAVE* a dog Toto... 5323% 5324... this is an awesome sight. The entire rebel resistance buried under six 5325million hardbound copies of "The Naked Lunch." 5326 -- The Firesign Theater 5327% 5328... though his invention worked superbly -- his theory was a crock of sewage 5329from beginning to end. 5330 -- Vernor Vinge, "The Peace War" 5331% 5332 U X 5333e dUdX, e dX, cosine, secant, tangent, sine, 3.14159... 5334% 5335* UNIX is a Trademark of Bell Laboratories. 5336% 5337 VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel 5338 entrances; others cannot. 5339 This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least 5340 it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to 5341 trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical 5342 space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to 5343 follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not 5344 of science. 5345VIII. Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent. 5346 Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives 5347 might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, 5348 accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be 5349 destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, 5350 elongate, snap back, or solidify. 5351 IX. For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance. 5352 This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to 5353 the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of 5354 watching it happen to a duck instead. 5355 X. Everything falls faster than an anvil. 5356 Examples too numerous to mention from the Roadrunner cartoons. 5357 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980 5358% 5359<< WAIT >> 5360% 5361... we must counterpose the overwhelming judgment provided by consistent 5362observations and inferences by the thousands. The earth is billions of 5363years old and its living creatures are linked by ties of evolutionary 5364descent. Scientists stand accused of promoting dogma by so stating, but 5365do we brand people illiberal when they proclaim that the earth is neither 5366flat nor at the center of the universe? Science *has* taught us some 5367things with confidence! Evolution on an ancient earth is as well 5368established as our planet's shape and position. Our continuing struggle 5369to understand how evolution happens (the "theory of evolution") does not 5370cast our documentation of its occurrence -- the "fact of evolution" -- 5371into doubt. 5372 -- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Verdict on Creationism", 5373 The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2. 5374% 5375... when fits of creativity run strong, more than one programmer or writer 5376has been known to abandon the desktop for the more spacious floor. 5377 -- Fred Brooks 5378% 5379... which reminds me of the Carrot family: Ma Carrot, Pa Carrot, and Baby 5380Carrot. One fine spring day they decided to go out for a picnic. They all 5381piled into their carrot-mobile and drive out to the country. But Pa Carrot 5382wasn't watching where he was going and alas, he hit an oil slick and skidded 5383right into a tree. Ma and Pa Carrot escaped with a few cuts and bruises, but 5384poor Baby Carrot got broken in two. They frantically rushed him to the 5385hospital and immediately the doctors started operating in a desperate attempt 5386to save Baby Carrot's life. Ma and Pa Carrot were beside themselves with 5387anxiety ... would poor little Baby Carrot make it? 5388 After hours of waiting the doctor finally emerges, bleary-eyed and 5389barely able to walk. 5390 "Is he all right, is he all right?" Pa Carrot frantically stammers. 5391 "Well, I have some good news and some bad news," replies the doctor. 5392 Ma and Pa Carrot look at each other and blurt out, nearly in unison, 5393"The good news first!" 5394 "All right, the good news is that Baby Carrot will live." 5395 "And the bad news? What's the bad news about our Baby Carrot?" 5396The doctor puts his hand on Pa Carrot's shoulder and solemnly looks him in 5397the eye. "Your son will live... but... he'll be a vegetable for the rest of 5398his life." 5399% 5400!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH 5401% 54021: A sheet of paper is an ink-lined plane. 54032: An inclined plane is a slope up. 54043: A slow pup is a lazy dog. 5405 5406QED: A sheet of paper is a lazy dog. 5407 -- Willard Espy, "An Almanac of Words at Play" 5408% 5409(1) Office employees will daily sweep the floors, dust the 5410 furniture, shelves, and showcases. 5411(2) Each day fill lamps, clean chimneys, and trim wicks. 5412 Wash the windows once a week. 5413(3) Each clerk will bring a bucket of water and a scuttle of 5414 coal for the day's business. 5415(4) Make your pens carefully. You may whittle nibs to your 5416 individual taste. 5417(5) This office will open at 7 a.m. and close at 8 p.m. except 5418 on the Sabbath, on which day we will remain closed. Each 5419 employee is expected to spend the Sabbath by attending 5420 church and contributing liberally to the cause of the Lord. 5421 -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage 5422 Works, 1872 5423% 54241 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1. 5425% 54261. If it doesn't smell like chilli, it probably isn't. 54272. If you catch an exploding manhole cover, you can keep it. 54283. Cabs driving on the sidewalk are not permitted to pick up passengers. 54294. It's bad manners to lie down inside someone else's chalk body outline. 54305. Don't lick food from a stranger's beard. 54316. Avoid paperwork for your next of kin by keeping dental records on you. 54327. Jon Gotti Always has the right of way. 54338. Yelling at cab drivers in English wastes your time and theirs. 54349. Remember: Regular hot dogs do not have fingernails. 543510. The city does not employ so called "Wallet Inspectors". 5436 -- David Letterman, "Top Ten New York City Pedestrian Tips" 5437% 5438[1] Alexander the Great was a great general. 5439[2] Great generals are forewarned. 5440[3] Forewarned is forearmed. 5441[4] Four is an even number. 5442[5] Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have. 5443[6] The only number that is both even and odd is infinity. 5444 Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms. 5445% 5446[1] Alexander the Great was a great general. 5447[2] Great generals are forewarned. 5448[3] Forewarned is forearmed. 5449[4] Four is an even number. 5450[5] Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have. 5451[6] The only number that is both even and odd is infinity. 5452 Therefore, all horses are black. 5453% 54541. Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood. 54552. If your stomach antagonizes you, pacify it with cool thoughts. 54563. Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move. 54574. Go very lightly on the vices, such as carrying on in society, as 5458 the social ramble ain't restful. 54595. Avoid running at all times. 54606. Don't look back, something might be gaining on you. 5461 -- S. Paige, c. 1951 5462% 54631 Billion dollars of budget deficit = 1 Gramm-Rudman 54646.023 x 10 to the 23rd power alligator pears = Avocado's number 54652 pints = 1 Cavort 5466Basic unit of Laryngitis = The Hoarsepower 5467Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line 54686 Curses = 1 Hexahex 54693500 Calories = 1 Food Pound 54701 Mole = 007 Secret Agents 54711 Mole = 25 Cagey Bees 54721 Dog Pound = 16 oz. of Alpo 54731000 beers served at a Twins game = 1 Killibrew 54742.4 statute miles of surgical tubing at Yale U. = 1 I.V.League 54752000 pounds of chinese soup = 1 Won Ton 547610 to the minus 6th power mouthwashes = 1 Microscope 5477Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier = 1 Machturtle 54788 Catfish = 1 Octo-puss 5479365 Days of drinking Lo-Cal beer. = 1 Lite-year 548016.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling 5481Force needed to accelerate 2.2lbs of cookies = 1 Fig-newton 5482 to 1 meter per second 5483One half large intestine = 1 Semicolon 548410 to the minus 6th power Movie = 1 Microfilm 54851000 pains = 1 Megahertz 54861 Word = 1 Millipicture 54871 Sagan = Billions & Billions 54881 Angstrom: measure of computer anxiety = 1000 nail-bytes 548910 to the 12th power microphones = 1 Megaphone 549010 to the 6th power Bicycles = 2 megacycles 5491The amount of beauty required launch 1 ship = 1 Millihelen 5492% 54931 bulls, 3 cows. 5494% 54951) Everything depends. 54962) Nothing is always. 54973) Everything is sometimes. 5498% 54991) Never draw what you can copy. 55002) Never copy what you can trace. 55013) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. 5502% 55031. Never give anything away for nothing. 2. Never give more than 5504you have to (always catch the buyer hungry and always make him wait). 55053. Always take back everything if you possibly can. 5506 -- William S. Burroughs, on drug pushing 5507% 55081: No code table for op: ++post 5509% 55101) X=Y ; Given 55112) X^2=XY ; Multiply both sides by X 55123) X^2-Y^2=XY-Y^2 ; Subtract Y^2 from both sides 55134) (X+Y)(X-Y)=Y(X-Y) ; Factor 55145) X+Y=Y ; Cancel out (X-Y) term 55156) 2Y=Y ; Substitute X for Y, by equation 1 55167) 2=1 ; Divide both sides by Y 5517 -- "Omni", proof that 2 equals 1 5518% 551910. Not everybody looks good naked. 5520 9. Joe Garagiola was a hell of an emcee. 5521 8. Joe Cocker really should stick with decaffeinated coffee. 5522 7. Fringe! Fringe! Fringe! 5523 6. If you've got 72 hours to kill, you can probably find room for Sha Na Na. 5524 5. Never attend an event with a 50,000 to 1 person to Port-A-San ratio. 5525 4. Bellbottoms will never go out of style. 5526 3. A drum solo cannot be too long. 5527 2. I, David Letterman, will never rent out my farm again. 5528 1. We are stardust. We are golden. We are going to look really stupid to 5529 future generations. 5530 -- David Letterman, Top Ten Lessons of Woodstock 5531% 553210 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman: 5533 5534 1. A beer won't make you go to church. 5535 2. A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman. 5536 3. A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit. 5537 4. A beer doesn't give a [expletive deleted] if you keep a bunch of 5538 other beers on the side. 5539 5. A beer will not call you a sexist pig if you say "doberman" instead of 5540 "doberperson". 5541 6. A beer won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian 5542 folk music on yer fave radio station. 5543 7. A beer understands why The Three Stooges are funny. 5544 8. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the 5545 toilet seat up. 5546 9. A beer doesn't think that a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" is an 5547 enormous can of vegetable juice. 554810. A beer won't smoke in your car. 5549% 5550100 buckets of bits on the bus 5551100 buckets of bits 5552Take one down, short it to ground 5553FF buckets of bits on the bus 5554 5555FF buckets of bits on the bus 5556FF buckets of bits 5557Take one down, short it to ground 5558FE buckets of bits on the bus... 5559 5560ad infinitum... 5561% 5562$100 placed at 7 percent interest compounded quarterly for 200 years will 5563increase to more than $100,000,000 -- by which time it will be worth nothing. 5564 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love" 5565% 556610.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0. 5567% 55681/2 oz. gin 55691/2 oz. vodka 55701/2 oz. rum (preferably dark) 55713/4 oz. tequilla 55721/2 oz. triple sec 55731/2 oz. orange juice 55743/4 oz. sour mix 55751/2 oz. cola 5576shake with ice and strain into frosted glass. 5577 Long Island Iced Tea 5578% 557913. ... r-q1 5580% 558117. HO HUM -- The Redundant 5582 5583------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme 5584--- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife 5585------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. You are working 5586---O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop 5587---X--- (9) the GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates 5588--- --- (8) to nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex. 5589 5590Nine in the second place means: 5591 The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune. 5592 5593Six in the third place means: 5594 In former times men built altars to honor the Internal 5595 Revenue Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble! 5596% 559717th Rule of Friendship: 5598 5599A friend will refrain from telling you he picked up the same amount 5600of life insurance coverage you did for half the price when yours is 5601noncancellable. 5602 -- Esquire, May 1977 5603% 5604186,000 miles per second: 5605It isn't just a good idea, it's the law! 5606% 56071893 The ideal brain tonic 56081900 Drink Coca-Cola -- delicious and refreshing -- 5 cents at all 5609 soda fountains 56101905 Is the favorite drink for LADIES when thirsty -- weary -- despondent 56111905 Refreshes the weary, brightens the intellect and clears the brain 56121906 The drink of QUALITY 56131907 Good to the last drop 56141907 It satisfies the thirst and pleases the palate 56151907 Refreshing as a summer breeze. Delightful as a Dip in the Sea 56161908 The Drink that Cheers but does not inebriate 56171917 There's a delicious freshness to the taste of Coca-Cola 56181919 It satisfies thirst 56191919 The taste is the test 56201922 Every glass holds the answer to thirst 56211922 Thirst knows no season 56221925 Enjoy the sociable drink 5623 -- Coca-Cola slogans 5624% 56251925 With a drink so good, 'tis folly to be thirsty 56261929 The high sign of refreshment 56271929 The pause that refreshes 56281930 It had to be good to get where it is 56291932 The drink that makes a pause refreshing 56301935 The pause that brings friends together 56311937 STOP for a pause... GO refreshed 56321938 The best friend thirst ever had 56331939 Thirst stops here 56341942 It's the real thing 56351947 Have a Coke 56361961 Zing! what a REFRESHING NEW FEELING 56371963 Things go better with Coke 56381969 Face Uncle Sam with a Coke in your hand 56391979 Have a Coke and a smile 56401982 Coke is it! 5641 -- Coca-Cola slogans 5642% 56431st graffitiest: QUESTION AUTHORITY! 5644 56452nd graffitiest: Why? 5646% 5647$3,000,000. 5648% 5649355/113 -- 5650 Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible simulation. 5651% 56523M, under the Scotch brand name, manufactures a fine adhesive for art 5653and display work. This product is called "Craft Mount". 3M suggests 5654that to obtain the best results, one should make the bond "while the 5655adhesive is wet, aggressively tacky." I did not know what "aggressively 5656tacky" meant until I read today's fortune. 5657 5658 [And who said we didn't offer equal time, huh? Ed.] 5659% 56603rd Law of Computing: 5661 Anything that can go wr 5662fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped 5663% 566440 isn't old. If you're a tree. 5665% 56664.2 BSD UNIX #57: Sun Jun 1 23:02:07 EDT 1986 5667 5668You swing at the Sun. You miss. The Sun swings. He hits you with a 5669575MB disk! You read the 575MB disk. It is written in an alien 5670tongue and cannot be read by your tired Sun-2 eyes. You throw the 5671575MB disk at the Sun. You hit! The Sun must repair your eyes. The 5672Sun reads a scroll. He hits your 130MB disk! He has defeated the 5673130MB disk! The Sun reads a scroll. He hits your Ethernet board! He 5674has defeated your Ethernet board! You read a scroll of "postpone until 5675Monday at 9 AM". Everything goes dark... 5676 -- /etc/motd, cbosgd 5677% 5678(6) Men employees will be given time off each week for courting 5679 purposes, or two evenings a week if they go regularly to church. 5680(7) After an employee has spent his thirteen hours of labor in the 5681 office, he should spend the remaining time reading the Bible 5682 and other good books. 5683(8) Every employee should lay aside from each pay packet a goodly 5684 sum of his earnings for his benefit during his declining years, 5685 so that he will not become a burden on society or his betters. 5686(9) Any employee who smokes Spanish cigars, uses alcoholic drink 5687 in any form, frequents pool tables and public halls, or gets 5688 shaved in a barber's shop, will give me good reason to suspect 5689 his worth, intentions, integrity and honesty. 5690(10) The employee who has performed his labours faithfully and 5691 without a fault for five years, will be given an increase of 5692 five cents per day in his pay, providing profits from the 5693 business permit it. 5694 -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage 5695 Works, 1872 5696% 56976 oz. orange juice 56981 oz. vodka 56991/2 oz. Galliano 5700 Harvey Wallbangers 5701% 57027:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) 5703 The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National 5704 Redwood Forest. 5705 57067:30, Channel 8: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) 5707 The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the 5708 Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus. 5709% 571090% of the work takes 90% of the time. 5711The remaining 10% takes the other 90% of the time. 5712% 571394% of the women in America are beautiful 5714and the rest hang out around here. 5715% 571699 blocks of crud on the disk, 571799 blocks of crud! 5718You patch a bug, and dump it again: 5719100 blocks of crud on the disk! 5720 5721100 blocks of crud on the disk, 5722100 blocks of crud! 5723You patch a bug, and dump it again: 5724101 blocks of crud on the disk! 5725% 5726A truly great man will neither trample on a worm nor sneak to an emperor. 5727 -- B. Franklin 5728% 5729A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice 5730at one end and no responsibility at the other. 5731% 5732A bachelor is a man who never made the same mistake once. 5733% 5734A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy 5735who has cheated some woman out of a divorce. 5736 -- Don Quinn 5737% 5738A bachelor is an unaltared male. 5739% 5740A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty 5741and a boy for ever. 5742 -- Helen Rowland 5743% 5744A bad marriage is like a horse with a broken leg, you can shoot 5745the horse, but it don't fix the leg. 5746% 5747A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and 5748ask for it back the when it begins to rain. 5749 -- Robert Frost 5750% 5751A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the 5752sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. 5753 -- Mark Twain 5754% 5755A beautiful woman is a blessing from Heaven, but a good cigar is a smoke. 5756 -- Kipling 5757% 5758A beautiful woman is a picture which drives all beholders nobly mad. 5759 -- Emerson 5760% 5761A beer delayed is a beer denied. 5762% 5763A beginning is the time for taking the 5764most delicate care that balances are correct. 5765 -- Princess Irulan, "Manual of Maud'Dib" 5766% 5767A billion here, a billion there -- pretty soon it adds up to real money. 5768 -- Sen. Everett Dirksen, on the U.S. defense budget 5769% 5770A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president. 5771A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ. 5772A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth. 5773A billion dollars ago was late yesterday afternoon at the U.S. Treasury. 5774% 5775A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on 5776a photo-safari in Africa. As they're driving along the savannah in their 5777jeep, they stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars. 5778 5779The biologist: "Look! A herd of zebras! And there's a white zebra! 5780 Fantastic! We'll be famous!" 5781The statistician: "Hey, calm down, it's not significant. We only know 5782 there's one white zebra." 5783The mathematician: "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is 5784 white on one side." 5785The computer scientist : "Oh, no! A special case!" 5786% 5787A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. 5788 -- Cervantes 5789% 5790A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring. 5791% 5792A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose. 5793% 5794A bit of talcum 5795Is always walcum 5796 -- Ogden Nash 5797% 5798A black cat crossing your path signifies 5799that the animal is going somewhere. 5800 -- Groucho Marx 5801% 5802A book is the work of a mind, doing its work in the way that a mind deems 5803best. That's dangerous. Is the work of some mere individual mind likely to 5804serve the aims of collectively accepted compromises, which are known in the 5805schools as 'standards'? Any mind that would audaciously put itself forth to 5806work all alone is surely a bad example for the students, and probably, if 5807not downright antisocial, at least a little off-center, self-indulgent, 5808elitist. ... It's just good pedagogy, therefore, to stay away from such 5809stuff, and use instead, if film-strips and rap-sessions must be 5810supplemented, 'texts,' selected, or prepared, or adapted, by real 5811professionals. Those texts are called 'reading material.' They are the 5812academic equivalent of the 'listening material' that fills waiting-rooms, 5813and the 'eating material' that you can buy in thousands of convenient eating 5814resource centers along the roads. 5815 -- The Underground Grammarian 5816% 5817A bore is a man who talks so much about 5818himself that you can't talk about yourself. 5819% 5820A bore is someone who persists in holding his 5821own views after we have enlightened him with ours. 5822% 5823A boss with no humor is like a job that's no fun. 5824% 5825A box without hinges, key, or lid, 5826Yet golden treasure inside is hid. 5827 -- J.R. Tolkien 5828% 5829A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance 5830of turning around three times before lying down. 5831 -- Robert Benchley 5832% 5833A boy gets to be a man when a man is needed. 5834 -- John Steinbeck 5835% 5836A budget is just a method of worrying 5837before you spend money, as well as afterward. 5838% 5839A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation. 5840% 5841A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected. 5842% 5843A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government by 5844hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to the West. They 5845drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and 5846found there was no pilot on board. Terrified, they listened as the sirens 5847got louder. Finally, one of the scientists suggested that since he was an 5848experimentalist, he would try to fly the aircraft. 5849 He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The sirens 5850got louder and louder. Armed men surrounded the jet. The would be pilot's 5851friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!! Hurry!!!" 5852 The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple 5853pole in a complex plane." 5854% 5855A bunch of the boys were whooping it in the Malemute saloon; 5856The kid that handles the music box was hitting a jag-time tune; 5857Back of the bar, in a solo game, sat Dangerous Dan McGrew, 5858And watching his luck was his light-o'-love, the lady that's known as Lou. 5859 -- Robert W. Service 5860% 5861A bureaucrat's idea of cleaning up his files 5862is to make a copy of everything before he destroys it. 5863% 5864A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator. 5865 -- Paul Valery 5866% 5867"A can of ASPARAGUS, 73 pigeons, some LIVE ammo, and a FROZEN DAIQURI!!" 5868 -- Zippy the Pinhead 5869% 5870A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich 5871and votes from the poor to protect them from each other. 5872% 5873A cannibal warrior is experiencing severe gastric distress, so he goes 5874to his Village Witch Doctor with his complaint. The VWD examines him 5875and, concluding that something he ate disagreed with him, began to cross 5876examine him about his recent diet. 5877 "Well, I ate a missionary yesterday. Do you think that could be 5878the problem?" 5879 The VWD says "Hmmmm." (All doctors say "Hmmmm.") "That could be. 5880Tell me a bit about this missionary." 5881 "Well, he was tall for a white man, wearing a brown robe. He was 5882walking down the trail, not watching for danger, so I speared him, dragged 5883him home, cleaned him, boiled him and ate him." 5884 "Ah-hah!" (All doctors say "Ah-hah!") There's your problem," smiles 5885the VWD. You boiled him, but he was a friar!" 5886% 5887A career is great, but you can't run your fingers through its hair. 5888% 5889A castaway was washed ashore after many days on the open sea. The island 5890on which he landed was populated by savage cannibals who tied him, dazed 5891and exhausted, to a thick stake. They then proceeded to cut his arms 5892with their spears and drink his blood. This continued for several days 5893until the castaway could stand no more. He yelled for the cannibal chief 5894and declared, "You can kill me if you want to, but this torture with the 5895spears has got to stop. Dammit, I'm tired of getting stuck for the drinks." 5896% 5897A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith 5898does not prove anything. 5899 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 5900% 5901A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness. 5902% 5903A certain amount of opposition is a help, not a hindrance. 5904Kites rise against the wind, not with it. 5905% 5906A certain monk had a habit of pestering the Grand Tortue (the only one who 5907had ever reached the Enlightenment 'Yond Enlightenment), by asking whether 5908various objects had Buddha-nature or not. To such a question Tortue 5909invariably sat silent. The monk had already asked about a bean, a lake, 5910and a moonlit night. One day he brought to Tortue a piece of string, and 5911asked the same question. In reply, the Grand Tortue grasped the loop 5912between his feet and, with a few simple manipulations, created a complex 5913string which he proferred wordlessly to the monk. At that moment, the monk 5914was enlightened. 5915 5916From then on, the monk did not bother Tortue. Instead, he made string after 5917string by Tortue's method; and he passed the method on to his own disciples, 5918who passed it on to theirs. 5919% 5920A certain old cat had made his home in the alley behind Gabe's bar for some 5921time, subsisting on scraps and occasional handouts from the bartender. One 5922evening, emboldened by hunger, the feline attempted to follow Gabe through 5923the back door. Regrettably, only the his body had made it through when 5924the door slammed shut, severing the cat's tail at its base. This proved too 5925much for the old creature, who looked sadly at Gabe and expired on the spot. 5926 Gabe put the carcass back out in the alley and went back to business. 5927The mandatory closing time arrived and Gabe was in the process of locking up 5928after the last customers had gone. Approaching the back door he was startled 5929to see an apparition of the old cat mournfully holding its severed tail out, 5930silently pleading for Gabe to put the tail back on its corpse so that it could 5931go on to the kitty afterworld complete. 5932 Gabe shook his head sadly and said to the ghost, "I can't. You know 5933the law -- no retailing spirits after 2:00 AM." 5934% 5935A Chicago salesman was about to check into a St. Louis hotel when he noticed 5936a very charming woman staring admiringly at him. He walked over and spoke 5937with her for a few minutes, then returned to the front desk, where they checked 5938in as Mr. and Mrs. 5939 After a very pleasurable three-day stay, the man approached the front 5940desk and told the clerk he was checking out. In a few minutes, he was handed 5941a bill for $2500. 5942 "There must be some mistake," the salesman said. "I've been here for 5943only three days." 5944 "Yes, sir," the clerk replied. "But your wife has been here a month 5945and a half." 5946% 5947A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs. 5948% 5949A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not mere 5950coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty trained, not 5951to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators. 5952 -- Dave Barry 5953% 5954A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on 5955Saturday and is going to do on Monday. 5956 -- Thomas Ybarra 5957% 5958A chronic disposition to inquiry 5959deprives domestic felines of vital qualities. 5960% 5961A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit 5962will approach you soon. Avoid him. He's a Commie. 5963% 5964A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but 5965won't cross the street to vote in a national election. 5966 -- Bill Vaughan 5967% 5968A city is a large community where people are lonesome together. 5969 -- Herbert Prochnow 5970% 5971A clash of doctrine is not a disaster - it is an opportunity. 5972% 5973A classic is something that everyone wants to have read 5974and nobody wants to read. 5975 -- Mark Twain, "The Disappearance of Literature" 5976% 5977A clever prophet makes sure of the event first. 5978% 5979A closed mouth gathers no foot. 5980% 5981A cloud does not know why it moves in just such a direction and at such 5982a speed, if feels an impulsion... this is the place to go now. But the 5983sky knows the reasons and the patterns behind all clouds, and you will 5984know, too, when you lift yourself high enough to see beyond horizons. 5985 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul 5986% 5987A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS: 5988 59891. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT. 5990 Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose 5991 valuable scientific objectivity. 5992 59932. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES. 5994 Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the 5995 gentleness and reassurance he can get. 5996 59973. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED. 5998 Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold. 5999% 6000A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS: 6001 60024. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF. 6003 You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into 6004 the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent 6005 disability you may have experienced. 6006 60075. NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING IT. 6008 It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be 6009 explained in terms that you would understand. 6010 60116. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMANTAL TREATMENT READILY. 6012 Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting 6013 research paper will surely be of widespread interest. 6014% 6015A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS: 6016 60177. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY. 6018 You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, 6019 to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians. 6020 60218. DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD. 6022 It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means. 6023 60249. NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT IN THE COURSE 6025 OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR. 6026 The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a 6027 sacred duty to protect him from exposure. 6028 602910. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE. 6030 This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment. 6031% 6032A Code of Honour: never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief 6033as your goal. There are too many women in the world to justify that sort of 6034dishonourable behaviour. Unless she's really attractive. 6035 -- Bruce J. Friedman, "Sex and the Lonely Guy" 6036% 6037A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours. 6038 -- Milton Berle 6039% 6040A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain. 6041 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love" 6042% 6043A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies, 6044scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom. 6045 -- Parkinson 6046% 6047A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth. 6048 -- R. Stallman 6049% 6050A company is known by the men it keeps. 6051% 6052A complex system that works is invariably 6053found to have evolved from a simple system that works. 6054% 6055A compliment is something like a kiss through a veil. 6056 -- Victor Hugo 6057% 6058[A computer is] like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy. 6059 -- Joseph Campbell 6060% 6061A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention, 6062with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequilla. 6063 -- Mitch Ratcliffe 6064% 6065A computer salesman visits a company president for the purpose of selling 6066the president one of the latest talking computers. 6067Salesman: "This machine knows everything. I can ask it any quesstion 6068 and it'll give the correct answer. Computer, what is the 6069 speed of light?" 6070Computer: 186,000 miles per second. 6071Salesman: "Who was the first president of the United States?" 6072Computer: George Washington. 6073President: "I'm still not convinced. Let me ask a question. 6074 Where is my father?" 6075Computer: Your father is fishing in Georgia. 6076President: "Hah!! The computer is wrong. My father died over twenty 6077 years ago!" 6078Computer: Your mother's husband died 22 years ago. Your father just 6079 landed a twelve pound bass. 6080% 6081A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken. 6082% 6083A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate 6084cake without ketchup and mustard. 6085% 6086A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking. 6087% 6088A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can 6089do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done. 6090 -- Fred Allen 6091% 6092A CONS is an object which cares. 6093 -- Bernie Greenberg. 6094% 6095A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run. 6096 -- Elbert Hubbard 6097% 6098A conservative is a man 6099who believes that nothing should be done for the first time. 6100 -- Alfred E. Wiggam 6101% 6102A conservative is a man 6103with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk. 6104 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt 6105% 6106A conservative is one who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run. 6107% 6108A couch is as good as a chair. 6109% 6110A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. 6111 -- B. Franklin 6112% 6113A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the 6114beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden. Immediately, 6115one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods 6116like the proverbial bat out of hell, and hot on his heels ran the Game 6117Warden. After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with 6118his hands on his thighs, whooping and heaving to catch his breath as the 6119Game Warden finally caught up to him. 6120 "Let's see yer fishin' license, boy," the Warden gasped. The 6121man pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing 6122license. 6123 "Well, son", snarled the Game Warden, "You must be about as dumb 6124as a box of rocks! You didn't have to run if you have a license!" 6125 "Yes, sir," replied his victim, "but, well, see, my friend back 6126there, he don't have one!" 6127% 6128A cousin of mine once said about money, 6129money is always there but the pockets change; 6130it is not in the same pockets after a change, 6131and that is all there is to say about money. 6132 -- Gertrude Stein 6133% 6134A cow is a completely automated milk-manufacturing machine. It is encased 6135in untanned leather and mounted on four vertical, movable supports, one at 6136each corner. The front end of the machine, or input, contains the cutting 6137and grinding mechanism, utilizing a unique feedback device. Here also are 6138the headlights, air inlet and exhaust, a bumper and a foghorn. 6139 At the rear, the machine carries the milk-dispensing equipment as 6140well as a built-in flyswatter and insect repeller. The central portion 6141houses a hydro- chemical-conversion unit. Briefly, this consists of four 6142fermentation and storage tanks connected in series by an intricate network 6143of flexible plumbing. This assembly also contains the central heating plant 6144complete with automatic temperature controls, pumping station and main 6145ventilating system. The waste disposal apparatus is located to the rear of 6146this central section. 6147 Cows are available fully-assembled in an assortment of sizes and 6148colors. Production output ranges from 2 to 20 tons of milk per year. In 6149brief, the main external visible features of the cow are: two lookers, two 6150hookers, four stander-uppers, four hanger-downers, and a swishy-wishy. 6151% 6152A critic is a bundle of biases held loosely together by a sense of taste. 6153 -- Whitney Balliett 6154% 6155A "critic" is a man who creates nothing and thereby feels 6156qualified to judge the work of creative men. There is logic 6157in this; he is unbiased -- he hates all creative people equally. 6158% 6159A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern. 6160 -- Edgar A. Shoaff 6161% 6162A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it? 6163% 6164A day without orange juice is like a day without orange juice. 6165% 6166A day without sunshine is like a day without Anita Bryant. 6167% 6168A day without sunshine is like a day without orange juice. 6169% 6170A day without sunshine is like night. 6171% 6172A dead man cannot bite. 6173 -- Gnaeus Pompeius (Pompey) 6174% 6175A debugged program is one for which you have 6176not yet found the conditions that make it fail. 6177 -- Jerry Ogdin 6178% 6179A decade after Vietnam, we still cannot understand why "their" 6180Salvadorans fight better than "our" Salvadorans. It is not a matter of 6181their training or their equipment. It has to do with the quality of the 6182society we are asking them to risk death defending. The metaphor of the 6183domino obscures this reality, and the cost our self-imposed blindness 6184is high. San Salvador is closer to Saigon than to Munich. 6185 -- William LeoGrande, "New York Times", 3/9/83 6186% 6187A Difficulty for Every Solution. 6188 -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service 6189% 6190A diplomat is a man who can convince his 6191wife she'd look stout in a fur coat. 6192% 6193A diplomat is a man who can tell you to 6194go to hell and make the trip sound pleasurable. 6195 -- Samuel Clemens 6196% 6197A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell 6198in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip. 6199 -- Caskie Stinnett, "Out of the Red" 6200% 6201A diplomat is man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never her age. 6202 -- Robert Frost 6203% 6204A diplomatic husband said to his wife, "How do you expect me to remember 6205your birthday when you never look any older?" 6206% 6207A diplomat's life consists of three things: protocol, Geritol, and alcohol. 6208 -- Adlai Stevenson 6209% 6210A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Was it true," the woman 6211inquired, "that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest 6212of her life?" 6213 She was told that it was. There was just a moment of silence before 6214the woman proceeded bravely on. "Well, I'm wondering, then, how serious my 6215condition is. This prescription is marked `NO REFILLS'". 6216% 6217A diva who specializes in risque arias is an off-coloratura soprano. 6218% 6219A doctor calls his patient to give him the results of his tests. "I have 6220some bad news," says the doctor, "and some worse news." The bad news is 6221that you only have six weeks to live." 6222 "Oh, no," says the patient. "What could possibly be worse than 6223that?" 6224 "Well," the doctor replies, "I've been trying to reach you since 6225last Monday." 6226% 6227A doctor was stranded with a lawyer in a leaky life raft in shark-infested 6228waters. The doctor tried to swim ashore but was eaten by the sharks. The 6229lawyer, however, swam safely past the bloodthirsty sharks. "Professional 6230courtesy," he explained. 6231% 6232A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. 6233 -- Ogden Nash 6234% 6235A drama critic is a person who surprises a playwright by informing him 6236what he meant. 6237 -- Wilson Mizner 6238% 6239A dream will always triumph over reality, once it is given the chance. 6240 -- Stanislaw Lem 6241% 6242A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to 6243a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate 6244a shilling. "Only a shilling?" exclaimed the man. "Only a shilling to bury 6245an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty of them." 6246% 6247A fail-safe circuit will destroy others. 6248 -- Klipstein 6249% 6250A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection. 6251% 6252A fair exterior is a silent recommendation. 6253 -- Publilius Syrus 6254% 6255A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer 6256should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around 6257she deserved. 6258 -- R.A. Heinlein 6259% 6260A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a Xerox 62611108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser. Wanting to help, 6262the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network with the mouse, and asked 6263"what do you see?" Very earnestly, the Undergraduate replied, "I see a 6264cursor." The Hacker then quickly pressed the boot toggle at the back of 6265the keyboard, while simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head 6266with a thick Interlisp Manual. The Undergraduate was then Enlightened. 6267% 6268A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. 6269 -- Winston Churchill 6270% 6271A farmer is a man outstanding in his field. 6272% 6273A feed salesman is on his way to a farm. As he's driving along at forty 6274m.p.h., he looks out his car window and sees a three-legged chicken running 6275alongside him, keeping pace with his car. He is amazed that a chicken is 6276running at forty m.p.h. So he speeds up to forty-five, fifty, then sixty 6277m.p.h. The chicken keeps right up with him the whole way, then suddenly 6278takes off and disappears into the distance. 6279 The man pulls into the farmyard and says to the farmer, "You know, 6280the strangest thing just happened to me; I was driving along at at least 6281sixty miles an hour and a chicken passed me like I was standing still!" 6282 "Yeah," the farmer replies, "that chicken was ours. You see, there's 6283me, and there's Ma, and there's our son Billy. Whenever we had chicken for 6284dinner, we would all want a drumstick, so we'd have to kill two chickens. 6285So we decided to try and breed a three-legged chicken so each of us could 6286have a drumstick." 6287 "How do they taste?" said the farmer. 6288 "Don't know," replied the farmer. "We haven't been able to catch 6289one yet." 6290% 6291A fellow bought a new car, a Nissan, and was quite happy with his purchase. 6292He was something of an animist, however, and felt that the car really ought 6293to have a name. This presented a problem, as he was not sure if the name 6294should be masculine or feminine. 6295 After considerable thought, he settled on an naming the car either 6296Belchazar or Beaumadine, but remained in a quandry about the final choice. 6297 "Is a Nissan male or female?" he began asking his friends. Most of 6298them looked at him pecularly, mumbled things about urgent appointments, and 6299went on their way rather quickly. 6300 He finally broached the question to a lady he knew who held a black 6301belt in judo. She thought for a moment and answered "Feminine." 6302 The swiftness of her response puzzled him. "You're sure of that?" he 6303asked. 6304 "Certainly," she replied. "They wouldn't sell very well if they were 6305masculine." 6306 "Unhhh... Well, why not?" 6307 "Because people want a car with a reputation for going when you want 6308it to. And, if Nissan's are female, it's like they say... `Each Nissan, she 6309go!'" 6310 6311 [No, we WON'T explain it; go ask someone who practices an oriental 6312 martial art. (Tai Chi Chuan probably doesn't count.) Ed.] 6313% 6314A few hours grace before the madness begins again. 6315% 6316A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles. 6317% 6318A fisherman from Maine went to Alabama on his vacation. He rented a boat, 6319rowed out to the middle of the lake, and cast his line, but when he looked 6320down into the water he was horrified to see a man wrapped in chains lying 6321on the bottom of the lake. He quickly rowed to shore and ran to the police 6322station. "Sheriff, sheriff," he gasped, there's a guy wrapped in chains, 6323drowned in the lake!" 6324 "Now ain't that jest like a Yankee," drawled the sheriff, "to steal 6325more chain than he can swim with?" 6326% 6327A fitter fits; Though sinners sin 6328A cutter cuts; And thinners thin 6329And an aircraft spotter spots; And paper-blotters blot 6330A baby-sitter I've never yet 6331Baby-sits -- Had letters let 6332But an otter never ots. Or seen an otter ot. 6333 6334A batter bats 6335(Or scatters scats); 6336A potting shed's for potting; 6337But no one's found 6338A bounder bound 6339Or caught an otter otting. 6340 -- Ralph Lewin 6341% 6342A flashy Mercedes-Benz roared up to the curb where a cute young miss stood 6343waiting for a taxi. 6344 "Hi," said the gentleman at the wheel. "I'm going west." 6345 "How wonderful," came the cool reply. "Bring me back an orange." 6346% 6347A fool and his honey are soon parted. 6348% 6349A fool and his money are soon popular. 6350% 6351A fool and your money are soon partners. 6352% 6353A fool is a man who worries about whether or not his lover has integrity. 6354A wise man, on the other hand, busies himself with deeper attributes. 6355% 6356A fool must now and then be right by chance. 6357% 6358A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds. 6359 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 6360% 6361A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block 6362of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant. 6363% 6364A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into 6365superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education. 6366 -- G.B. Shaw 6367% 6368A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used. 6369 -- D. Gries 6370% 6371A Fortran compiler is the hobgoblin of little minis. 6372% 6373A fox is wolf who sends flowers. 6374 -- Ruth Weston 6375% 6376A freelance is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps. 6377 -- Robert Benchley 6378% 6379A friend in need is a pest indeed. 6380% 6381A friend is a present you give yourself. 6382 -- Robert Louis Stevenson 6383% 6384A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. 6385You'll just be walking down the street and... Ooohh, that's much better. 6386 -- Steven Wright 6387% 6388A friend of mine won't get a divorce, because he hates 6389lawyers more than he hates his wife. 6390% 6391A friend with weed is a friend indeed. 6392% 6393A full belly makes a dull brain. 6394 -- Ben Franklin 6395 6396 [and the local candy machine man. Ed] 6397% 6398A 'full' life in my experience is usually full only of other 6399people's demands. 6400% 6401A furore Normanorum libera nos, O Domine! 6402% 6403A gambler's biggest thrill is winning a bet. 6404His next biggest thrill is losing a bet. 6405% 6406A gangster assembled an engineer, a chemist, and a physicist. He explained 6407that he was entering a horse in a race the following week and the three 6408assembled guys had the job of assuring that the gangster's horse would win. 6409They were to reconvene the day before the race to tell the gangster how they 6410each propose to ensure a win. When they reconvened the gangster started with 6411the engineer: 6412 6413Gangster: OK, Mr. engineer, what have you got? 6414Engineer: Well, I've invented a way to weave metallic threads into the saddle 6415 blanket so that they will act as the plates of a battery and provide 6416 electrical shock to the horse. 6417G: That's very good! But let's hear from the chemist. 6418Chemist: I've synthesized a powerful stimulant that disolves 6419 into simple blood sugars after ten minutes and therefore 6420 cannot be detected in post-race tests. 6421G: Excellent, excellent! But I want to hear from the physicist before 6422 I decide what to do. Physicist? 6423 6424Physicist: Well, first consider a spherical horse in simple harmonic motion... 6425% 6426A gentleman is a man who wouldn't hit a lady with his hat on. 6427 -- Evan Esar 6428 [ And why not? For why does she have his hat on? Ed.] 6429% 6430A gentleman never strikes a lady with his hat on. 6431 -- Fred Allen 6432% 6433A gift of a flower will soon be made to you. 6434% 6435A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely a coincidence. A girl and 6436a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another coincidence. But 6437when a girl gives a boy a dead squid, *that had to mean SOMETHING!* 6438% 6439A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident. 6440A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident. 6441But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *that had to mean something*. 6442 -- S. Morganstern, "The Silent Gondoliers" 6443% 6444A girl with a future avoids the man with a past. 6445 -- Evan Esar, "The Humor of Humor" 6446% 6447A girl's best friend is her mutter. 6448 -- Dorothy Parker 6449% 6450A girl's conscience doesn't really keep her from doing anything wrong-- 6451it merely keeps her from enjoying it. 6452% 6453A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like 6454a quop without a fertsneet (sort of). 6455% 6456A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. 6457Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game. 6458The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it 6459had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably atop a nice 6460firm tuft of grass. 6461 -- Donald A. Metz 6462% 6463A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed in 6464the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the 6465rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between 6466the face of the club and the cover of the ball and the player should not be 6467penalized for the erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such 6468uncontrollable physical phenomena. 6469 -- Donald A. Metz 6470% 6471A good man always knows his limitations. 6472 -- Harry Callahan 6473% 6474A good marriage would be between a blind wife and deaf husband. 6475 -- Michel de Montaigne 6476% 6477A good memory does not equal pale ink. 6478% 6479A good name lost is seldom regained. When character is gone, 6480all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever. 6481 -- J. Hawes 6482% 6483A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow. 6484 -- Patton 6485% 6486A good reputation is more valuable than money. 6487 -- Publilius Syrus 6488% 6489A good scapegoat is hard to find. 6490% 6491A good supervisor can step on your toes without messing up your shine. 6492% 6493A GOOD WAY TO THREATEN somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you 6494call the guy and hold the burning fuse to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. 6495"That's dynamite, baby." 6496 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 6497% 6498A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to 6499you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to 6500you about yourself. 6501 -- Lisa Kirk 6502% 6503A gourmet restaurant in Cincinnati is one where you leave the tray on 6504the table after you eat. 6505% 6506A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart that looks at her watch. 6507 -- James Beard 6508% 6509A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough 6510to take it all away. 6511 -- Barry Goldwater 6512% 6513A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough 6514to take it all away. 6515 -- Barry Goldwater 6516% 6517A grammarian's life is always intense. 6518% 6519A great empire, like a great cake, is most easily diminished at the edges. 6520 -- B. Franklin 6521% 6522A great many people think they are thinking 6523when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. 6524 -- William James 6525% 6526A green hunting cap squeezed the top of the fleshy balloon of a head. The 6527green earflaps, full of large ears and uncut hair and the fine bristles that 6528grew in the ears themselvse, stuck out on either side like turn signals 6529indicating two directions at once. Full, pursed lips protruded beneath the 6530bushy black moustache and, at their corners, sank into little folds filled 6531with disapproval and potato chip crumbs. In the shadow under the green visor 6532of the cap Ignatius J. Reilly's supercilious blue and yellow eyes looked down 6533upon the other people waiting under the clock at the D.H. Holmes department 6534store, studying the crowd of people for signs of bad taste in dress. Several 6535of the outfits, Ignatius noticed, were new enough and expensive enough to be 6536properly considered offenses against taste and decency. Possession of 6537anything new or expensive only reflected a person's lack of theology and 6538geometry; it could even cast doubts upon one's soul. 6539 -- John Kennedy Toole, "Confederacy of Dunces" 6540% 6541A group of politicians deciding to dump a President because his morals 6542are bad is like the Mafia getting together to bump off the Godfather for 6543not going to church on Sunday. 6544 -- Russell Baker 6545% 6546A guilty conscience is the mother of invention. 6547 -- Carolyn Wells 6548% 6549A guy has to get fresh once in a while 6550so a girl doesn't lose her confidence. 6551% 6552A hacker does for love what others would not do for money. 6553% 6554A halted retreat 6555Is nerve-wracking and dangerous. 6556To retain people as men -- and maidservants 6557Brings good fortune. 6558% 6559A hammer sometimes misses its mark - a bouquet never. 6560% 6561A handful of friends is worth more than a wagon of gold. 6562% 6563A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains. 6564% 6565A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own 6566weight in other people's patience. 6567 -- John Updike 6568% 6569A help wanted add for a photo journalist asked the rhetorical question: 6570 6571If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save 6572a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning 6573photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would 6574you use? 6575 6576 -- Paul Harvey 6577% 6578A Hen Brooding Kittens 6579 A friend informs us that he saw at the Novato ranch, Marin county, 6580a few days since, a hen actually brooding and otherwise caring for three 6581kittens! The gentleman upon whose premises this strange event is transpiring 6582says the hen adopted the kittens when they were but a few days old, and that 6583she has devoted them her undivided care for several weeks past. The young 6584felines are now of respectable size, but they nevertheless follow the hen at 6585her cluckings, and are regularly brooded at night beneath her wings. 6586 -- Sacramento Daily Union, July 2, 1861 6587% 6588A hermit is a deserter from the army of humanity. 6589% 6590A highly intelligent man should take a primitive woman. Imagine if on top 6591of everything else, I had a woman who interfered with my work. 6592 -- Adolf Hitler 6593% 6594A holding company is a thing where you hand 6595an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you. 6596% 6597A Hollywood producer calls a friend, another producer on the phone. 6598 "Hello?" his friend answers. 6599 "Hi!" says the man. "This is Bob, how are you doing?" 6600 "Oh," says the friend, "I'm doing great! I just sold a screenplay 6601for two hundred thousand dollars. I've started a novel adaptation and the 6602studio advanced me fifty thousand dollars on it. I also have a television 6603series coming on next week, and everyone says it's going to be a big hit! 6604I'm doing *great*! How are you?" 6605 "Okay," says the producer, "give me a call when he leaves." 6606% 6607A homeowner's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a weekend for? 6608% 6609"A horrible little boy came up to me and said, `You know in your book 6610The Martian Chronicles?' I said, `Yes?' He said, `You know where you 6611talk about Deimos rising in the East?' I said, `Yes?' He said `No.' 6612-- So I hit him." 6613 -- attributed to Ray Bradbury 6614% 6615A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse! 6616 -- Wm. Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 6617% 6618A hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong! 6619% 6620A hundred years from now it is very likely that [of Twain's works] "The 6621Jumping Frog" alone will be remembered. 6622 -- Harry Thurston Peck (Editor of "The Bookman"), January 1901. 6623% 6624A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. 6625 -- Helen Rowland 6626% 6627A hypocrite is a person who ... but who isn't? 6628 -- Don Marquis 6629% 6630A hypothetical paradox: 6631 What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team, 6632who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial 6633Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet? 6634 -- Tom Galloway 6635% 6636A is for Amy who fell down the stairs, B is for Basil assaulted by bears. 6637C is for Clair who wasted away, D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh. 6638E is for Ernest who choked on a peach, F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech. 6639G is for George, smothered under a rug, H is for Hector, done in by a thug. 6640I is for Ida who drowned in the lake, J is for James who took lye, by mistake. 6641K is for Kate who was struck with an axe, L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks. 6642M is for Maud who was swept out to sea, N is for Nevil who died of enui. 6643O is for Olive, run through with an awl, P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl 6644Q is for Quinton who sank in a mire, R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire. 6645S is for Susan who parished of fits, T is for Titas who flew into bits. 6646U is for Una who slipped down a drain, V is for Victor, squashed under a train. 6647W is for Winie, embedded in ice, X is for Xercies, devoured by mice. 6648Y is for Yoric whose head was bashed in, Z is for Zilla who drank too much gin. 6649 -- Edward Gorey "The Gastly Crumb Tines" 6650% 6651A is for Apple. 6652 -- Hester Pryne 6653% 6654A is for awk, which runs like a snail, and 6655B is for biff, which reads all your mail. 6656C is for cc, as hackers recall, while 6657D is for dd, the command that does all. 6658E is for emacs, which rebinds your keys, and 6659F is for fsck, which rebuilds your trees. 6660G is for grep, a clever detective, while 6661H is for halt, which may seem defective. 6662I is for indent, which rarely amuses, and 6663J is for join, which nobody uses. 6664K is for kill, which makes you the boss, while 6665L is for lex, which is missing from DOS. 6666M is for more, from which less was begot, and 6667N is for nice, which it really is not. 6668O is for od, which prints out things nice, while 6669P is for passwd, which reads in strings twice. 6670Q is for quota, a Berkeley-type fable, and 6671R is for ranlib, for sorting ar table. 6672S is for spell, which attempts to belittle, while 6673T is for true, which does very little. 6674U is for uniq, which is used after sort, and 6675V is for vi, which is hard to abort. 6676W is for whoami, which tells you your name, while 6677X is, well, X, of dubious fame. 6678Y is for yes, which makes an impression, and 6679Z is for zcat, which handles compression. 6680 -- THE ABC'S OF UNIX 6681% 6682A joint is just tea for two. 6683% 6684A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance from Sam. 6685% 6686A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step. 6687 -- Lao Tsu 6688% 6689A journey of a thousand miles starts under one's feet. 6690 -- Lao Tsu 6691% 6692A jug of wine, a bowl of rice with it; 6693Earthen vessels 6694Simply handed in through the window. 6695There is certainly no blame in this. 6696% 6697A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer. 6698 -- Robert Frost 6699% 6700A key to the understanding of all religions is that a God's idea of a 6701good time is a game of Snakes and Ladders with greased rungs. 6702% 6703A kid'll eat the middle of an Oreo, eventually. 6704% 6705A kind of Batman of contemporary letters. 6706 -- Philip Larkin on Anthony Burgess 6707% 6708A king's castle is his home. 6709% 6710A kiss is a course of procedure, cunningly devised, 6711for the mutual stoppage of speech at a moment when 6712words are superfluous. 6713% 6714A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction. 6715% 6716A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally. 6717 -- Lillian Day 6718% 6719A lady with one of her ears applied 6720To an open keyhole heard, inside, 6721Two female gossips in converse free -- 6722The subject engaging them was she. 6723"I think", said one, "and my husband thinks 6724That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!" 6725As soon as no more of it she could hear 6726The lady, indignant, removed her ear. 6727"I will not stay," she said with a pout, 6728"To hear my character lied about!" 6729 -- Gopete Sherany 6730% 6731A language that doesn't affect the way you 6732think about programming is not worth knowing. 6733% 6734A language that doesn't have everything is 6735actually easier to program in than some that do. 6736 -- D.M. Ritchie 6737% 6738A lanky Texan was mad because Texas had just become the second largest state in 6739the Union, so he made up his mind to move to Alaska. He drove for three days 6740and three nights to get there and finally he came to what looked like the state 6741line. He halted his car and walked up to the border guard. "Hi, there! How 6742do I become a resident of this here biggest state?" demanded the Texan. 6743 The guard looked him up and down and grinned. "Waal," he answered, 6744there are three things you gotta do to get in. First, drink down a quart of 6745110 proof corn liquor without blinkin'. Second, kill a grizzly bear, and 6746third, make love to an Eskimo woman." 6747 "Sounds easy enough," said the Texan. "Where can I get a quart of 6748this here corn liquor?" 6749 "Got one right here," replied the guard. 6750 The Texan gulped down the whiskey without batting an eyelash. 6751"Now, do you happen to know where I can find me a grizzly?" 6752 "Yep," answered the guard, "there's a big b'ar over that way, 'bout 6753a mile... lives in a cave on that cliff." 6754 The Texan lurched merrily off. About an hour later he returned 6755with his clothes almost torn off and his face scratched and bloody. He was 6756smiling happily. "Now," he roared, "where's that damn Eskimo woman you 6757want killed?" 6758% 6759A large number of installed systems work by fiat. 6760That is, they work by being declared to work. 6761 -- Anatol Holt 6762% 6763A large spider in an old house built a beautiful web in which to catch flies. 6764Every time a fly landed on the web and was entangled in it the spider devoured 6765him, so that when another fly came along he would think the web was a safe and 6766quiet place in which to rest. One day a fairly intelligent fly buzzed around 6767above the web so long without lighting that the spider appeared and said, 6768"Come on down." But the fly was too clever for him and said, "I never light 6769where I don't see other flies and I don't see any other flies in your house." 6770So he flew away until he came to a place where there were a great many other 6771flies. He was about to settle down among them when a bee buzzed up and said, 6772"Hold it, stupid, that's flypaper. All those flies are trapped." "Don't be 6773silly," said the fly, "they're dancing." So he settled down and became stuck 6774to the flypaper with all the other flies. 6775 6776Moral: There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else. 6777 -- James Thurber, "The Fairly Intelligent Fly" 6778% 6779A Law of Computer Programming: 6780 Make it possible for programmers to write in English 6781 and you will find that programmers cannot write in English. 6782% 6783A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel. 6784 -- Robert Frost 6785% 6786A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment. 6787 -- Willis Player 6788% 6789A liberal is someone too poor to be a 6790capitalist, and too rich to be a communist. 6791% 6792A lie in time saves nine. 6793% 6794A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of 6795trouble. 6796 -- Adlai Stevenson 6797% 6798A life spent in search of the perfect hash brownie is a life well spent. 6799% 6800A lifetime isn't nearly long enough to figure out what it's all about. 6801% 6802A light wife doth make a heavy husband. 6803 -- Wm. Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" 6804% 6805A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility. 6806 -- Aristotle 6807% 6808A LISP programmer knows the value of 6809everything, but the cost of nothing. 6810 -- Alan Perlis 6811% 6812A list is only as strong as its weakest link. 6813 -- Don Knuth 6814% 6815A little experience often upsets a lot of theory. 6816% 6817A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation. 6818 -- C.E. Ayres 6819% 6820A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation. 6821 -- H.H. Munro, "Saki" 6822% 6823A little kid went up to Santa and asked him, "Santa, you know when I'm bad 6824right?" And Santa says, "Yes, I do." The little kid then asks, "And you 6825know when I'm sleeping?" To which Santa replies, "Every minute." So the 6826little kid then says, "Well, if you know when I'm bad and when I'm good, 6827then how come you don't know what I want for Christmas?" 6828% 6829A little retrospection shows that although many fine, useful software systems 6830have been designed by committees and built as part of multipart projects, 6831those software systems that have excited passionate fans are those that are 6832the products of one or a few designing minds, great designers. Consider Unix, 6833APL, Pascal, Modula, the Smalltalk interface, even Fortran; and contrast them 6834with Cobol, PL/I, Algol, MVS/370, and MS-DOS. 6835 -- Fred Brooks 6836% 6837A little word of doubtful number, 6838A foe to rest and peaceful slumber. 6839If you add an "s" to this, 6840Great is the metamorphosis. 6841Plural is plural now no more, 6842And sweet what bitter was before. 6843What am I? 6844% 6845A log may float in a river, but that does not make it a crocodile. 6846% 6847A long memory is the most subversive idea in America. 6848% 6849A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. 6850Buy the negatives at any price. 6851% 6852A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never. 6853% 6854A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths. 6855 -- Steve Wright 6856% 6857A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, 6858and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks. 6859 -- Lew Col 6860% 6861A lover without indiscretion is no lover at all. 6862 -- Thomas Hardy 6863% 6864A major, with wonderful force, 6865Called out in Hyde Park for a horse. 6866 All the flowers looked round, 6867 But no horse could be found; 6868So he just rhododendron, of course. 6869% 6870A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car. 6871 -- Carrie Snow 6872% 6873A man always needs to remember one thing about 6874a beautiful woman. Somewhere, somebody's tired of her. 6875% 6876A man always remembers his first love with special 6877tenderness, but after that begins to bunch them. 6878 -- Mencken 6879% 6880A man arrived home early to find his wife in the arms of his best friend, 6881who swore how much they were in love. To quiet the enraged husband, the 6882lover suggested, "Friends shouldn't fight, let's play gin rummy. If I win, 6883you get a divorce so I can marry her. If you win, I promise never to see 6884her again. Okay?" 6885 "Alright," agreed the husband. "But how about a quarter a point 6886on the side to make it interesting?" 6887% 6888A man can have two, maybe three love affairs while he's married. After 6889that it's cheating. 6890 -- Yves Montand 6891% 6892A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen 6893or twenty mistakes she's a tramp. 6894 -- Joan Rivers 6895% 6896A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there himself. 6897 -- Du Bois 6898% 6899A man fell off a mountain and, as he fell, saw a branch and grabbed for it. 6900By superhuman effort he was able to get a precarious grip on it. As he 6901was hanging there for dear life, he looked up and cried out, 6902 "Is anybody there?" 6903A deep majestic voice answered, 6904 "Yes my son, I am here. What do you need?" 6905 "Help me!!" cried the man. 6906 "I will help you", said the voice, "Just let go of the branch and 6907you'll be safe. All you have to do is trust." 6908The man thought for a moment and cried out: 6909 "Anybody ELSE up there?" 6910% 6911A man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles 6912in the road. 6913 -- Alexander Smith 6914% 6915A man goes into a bar and begins to tell a Polish joke. The man sitting 6916next to him, a big hulking powerhouse, turns and says menacingly, "*I'm* 6917Polish." 6918 He then calls out, "Ivan! Come over here and bring your brother." 6919Two men, bigger than the first, appear from the back room. 6920 "Josef!" the man calls out, "come here a second, and bring Lendl 6921with you." Two more men appear, and all five men crowd around the man with 6922the joke. 6923 "Now," says the first Polish man, "do you want to finish that joke?" 6924 "Nah," says the man. 6925 "Oh, no? And why not? I'm sure it was very funny," says the Polish 6926man, opening and closing his fist. "Are you scared?" 6927 "No," replies the man. "I just don't feel like having to explain it 6928five times." 6929% 6930A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished. 6931 -- Zsa Zsa Gabor, "Newsweek" 6932% 6933A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him. 6934 -- Brendan Francis 6935% 6936A man is crawling through the Sahara desert when he is approached by another 6937man riding on a camel. When the rider gets close enough, the crawling man 6938whispers through his sun-parched lips, "Water... please... can you give... 6939water..." 6940 "I'm sorry," replies the man on the camel, "I don't have any water 6941with me. But I'd be delighted to sell you a necktie." 6942 "Tie?" whispers the man. "I need *water*." 6943 "They're only four dollars apiece." 6944 "I need *water*." 6945 "Okay, okay, say two for seven dollars." 6946 "Please! I need *water*!", says the man. 6947 "I don't have any water, all I have are ties," replies the salesman, 6948and he heads off into the distance. 6949 The man, losing track of time, crawls for what seems like days. 6950Finally, nearly dead, sun-blind and with his skin peeling and blistering, he 6951sees a restaurant in the distance. Summoning the last of his strength he 6952staggers up to the door and confronts the head waiter. 6953 "Water... can I get... water," the dying man manages to stammer. 6954 "I'm sorry, sir, ties required." 6955% 6956A man is known by the company he organizes. 6957 -- A. Bierce 6958% 6959A man is like a rusty wheel on a rusty cart, 6960He sings his song as he rattles along and then he falls apart. 6961 -- Richard Thompson 6962% 6963A man is only as old as the woman he feels. 6964 -- Groucho Marx 6965% 6966A man is walking along when he sees a funeral procession going by, the 6967longest procession he's ever seen. It seems to consist of the hearse, 6968followed by a man with a Doberman on a leash, followed by several hundred 6969other men. After watching for a few minutes, he can restrain his curiosity 6970no longer, and walks up to one of the mourners. 6971 "Excuse me, sir, I don't mean to bother you in your moment of grief, 6972but this is the strangest procession I've ever seen. What happened, who is 6973the funeral for?" 6974 "Well, it's nothing special, really, the funeral is for the mother- 6975in-law of the man at the front of the procession. You see, his Doberman 6976attacked and killed her." 6977 "That's awful!", replies the onlooker. "But... um... tell me, you 6978don't think he'd let me borrow that dog, do you?" 6979 "Get in line, buddy," replies the mourner, "get in line." 6980% 6981A man is walking down the street when he sees a man with four arms, and 6982antennae coming out of his head. He goes up to him and says, "You're not 6983from around here, are you?" 6984 "No," replies the man with the antennae. 6985 "You know," continues the man, "I don't think you're an American, 6986either. In fact, I bet you don't even come from this planet!" 6987 "Right again," says the man with four arms. "I'm from Mars." 6988 "Well," says the man, "that's quite some configuration you've got 6989there, with those four arms and those antennae and everything." 6990 "We Martians all have four arms and antennae." 6991 "Well, that's just amazing," replies the man, "and how about that 6992big gold colored plate in the middle of your chest, what's that, do all 6993Martians have that?" 6994 "Well, no," says the Martian. "Not the *goyim*." 6995% 6996A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be 6997bothered with sex and all that sort of thing. 6998 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle" 6999% 7000A man may be so much of everything that he is nothing of anything. 7001 -- Samuel Johnson 7002% 7003A man may sometimes be forgiven the kiss to which he is not entitled, 7004but never the kiss he has not the initiative to claim. 7005% 7006A man may well bring a horse to the water, 7007but he cannot make him drink with he will. 7008 -- John Heywood 7009% 7010A man of genius makes no mistakes. 7011His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery. 7012 -- James Joyce, "Ulysses" 7013% 7014A man paints with his brains and not with his hands. 7015% 7016A man said to the Universe: 7017 "Sir, I exist!" 7018 "However," replied the Universe, 7019 "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation." 7020 -- Stephen Crane 7021% 7022A man took his wife deer hunting for the first time. After he'd given her 7023some basic instructions, they agreed to separate and rendezvous later. Before 7024he left, he warned her if she should fell a deer to be wary of hunters who 7025might beat her to the carcass and claim the kill. If that happened, he told 7026her, she should fire her gun three times into the air and he would come to 7027her aid. 7028 Shortly after they separated, he heard a single shot, followed quickly 7029by the agreed upon signal. Running to the scene, he found his wife standing 7030in a small clearing with a very nervous man staring down her gun barrel. 7031 "He claims this is his," she said, obviously very upset. 7032 "She can keep it, she can keep it!" the wide-eyed man replied. "I 7033just want to get my saddle back!" 7034% 7035A man usually falls in love with a woman who asks the kinds of questions 7036he is able to answer. 7037 -- Ronald Colman 7038% 7039A man was griping to his friend about how he hated to go home after a 7040late card games. 7041 "You wouldn't believe what I go through to avoid waking my wife," 7042he said. "First, I kill the engine a block away from the house and coast 7043into the garage. Then I open the door slowly, take off my shoes, and 7044tiptoe to our room. But just as I'm about to slide into bed, she always 7045wakes up and gives me hell." 7046 "I make a big racket when I go home," his friend replied. 7047 "You do?" 7048 "Sure. I honk the horn, slam the door, turn on all the lights, 7049stomp up to the bedroom and give my wife a big kiss. `Hi, Alice,' I say. 7050`How about a little smooch for your old man?'" 7051 "And what does she say?" his friend asked in disbelief. 7052 "She doesn't say anything," his buddy replied. "She always pretends 7053she's asleep." 7054% 7055A man was kneeling by a grave in a cemetery, crying and praying very loudly, 7056 "Oh why..eeeee did you die...eeeeee, Oh Why..eeeeee, 7057why did you Di......eeee" 7058The caretaker walks up, pardons himself and asks politely, 7059 "Excuse me, sir, but I've been seeing you for hours now, 7060carrying on at this grave. You must have been very close to the deceased." 7061 "No, I never met him. Oh why....eeeee did you dieeeeee, 7062why....eeeee did you.." 7063 "Sir, you say you never met this person, yet you carry on so? 7064Tell, me who is buried here?" 7065 "My wife's first husband." 7066% 7067A man who cannot seduce men cannot save them either. 7068 -- Soren Kierkegaard 7069% 7070A man who carries a cat by its tail learns something he can learn 7071in no other way. 7072% 7073A man who fishes for marlin in ponds 7074will put his money in Etruscan bonds. 7075% 7076A man who likes to lie in bed can usually 7077find a girl willing to listen to him. 7078% 7079A man who turns green has eschewed protein. 7080% 7081A man with 3 wings and a dictionary is cousin to the turkey. 7082% 7083A man with one watch knows what time it is. 7084A man with two watches is never quite sure. 7085% 7086A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle. 7087% 7088A man without a woman is like a fish without gills. 7089% 7090A man without a woman is like a statue without pigeons. 7091% 7092A man would still do something out of sheer perversity - he would create 7093destruction and chaos - just to gain his point... and if all this could in 7094turn be analyzed and prevented by predicting that it would occur, then man 7095would deliberately go mad to prove his point. 7096 -- Feodor Dostoevsky, "Notes From the Underground" 7097% 7098A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package. 7099% 7100A man's best friend is his dogma. 7101% 7102A man's gotta know his limitations. 7103 -- Clint Eastwood, "Dirty Harry" 7104% 7105A man's house is his castle. 7106 -- Sir Edward Coke 7107% 7108A man's house is his hassle. 7109% 7110A master was asked the question, "What is the Way?" by a curious monk. 7111 "It is right before your eyes," said the master. 7112 "Why do I not see it for myself?" 7113 "Because you are thinking of yourself." 7114 "What about you: do you see it?" 7115 "So long as you see double, saying `I don't', and `you do', and so 7116on, your eyes are clouded," said the master. 7117 "When there is neither `I' nor `You', can one see it?" 7118 "When there is neither `I' nor `You', 7119who is the one that wants to see it?" 7120% 7121A mathematician, a doctor, and an engineer are walking on the beach and 7122observe a team of lifeguards pumping the stomach of a drowned woman. As 7123they watch, water, sand, snails and such come out of the pump. 7124 The doctor watches for a while and says: "Keep pumping, men, you may 7125yet save her!!" 7126 The mathematician does some calculations and says: "According to my 7127understanding of the size of that pump, you have already pumped more water 7128from her body than could be contained in a cylinder 4 feet in diameter and 71296 feet high." 7130 The engineer says: "I think she's sitting in a puddle." 7131% 7132A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems. 7133 -- P. Erdos 7134% 7135A meeting is an event at which the 7136minutes are kept and the hours are lost. 7137% 7138A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, 7139but to protect the writer. 7140 -- Dean Acheson 7141% 7142A method of solution is perfect if we can forsee from the start, 7143and even prove, that following that method we shall attain our aim. 7144 -- Leibnitz 7145% 7146A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed 7147on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new 7148game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the 7149pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly 7150along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their 7151heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn 7152around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite 7153direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the 7154paper reports "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin 7155colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins 7156fall over gently onto their backs. 7157 -- Audobon Society Magazine 7158% 7159A mighty creature is the germ, 7160Though smaller than the pachyderm. 7161His customary dwelling place 7162Is deep within the human race. 7163His childish pride he often pleases 7164By giving people strange diseases. 7165Do you, my poppet, feel infirm? 7166You probably contain a germ. 7167 -- Ogden Nash 7168% 7169A mind is a wonderful thing to waste. 7170% 7171A modem is a baudy house. 7172% 7173A modest woman, dressed out in all her finery, 7174is the most tremendous object in the whole creation. 7175 -- Goldsmith 7176% 7177A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a good 7178many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious scruples and 7179the police. 7180 -- Mr. Dooley 7181% 7182A mother mouse was taking her large brood for a stroll across the kitchen 7183floor one day when the local cat, by a feat of stealth unusual even for 7184its species, managed to trap them in a corner. The children cowered, 7185terrified by this fearsome beast, plaintively crying, "Help, Mother! 7186Save us! Save us! We're scared, Mother!" 7187 Mother Mouse, with the hopeless valor of a parent protecting its 7188children, turned with her teeth bared to the cat, towering huge above them, 7189and suddenly began to bark in a fashion that would have done any Doberman 7190proud. The startled cat fled in fear for its life. 7191 As her grateful offspring flocked around her shouting "Oh, Mother, 7192you saved us!" and "Yay! You scared the cat away!" she turned to them 7193purposefully and declared, "You see how useful it is to know a second 7194language?" 7195% 7196A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, 7197and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes. 7198 -- Frost 7199% 7200A motion to adjourn is always in order. 7201% 7202A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese. 7203% 7204A mushroom cloud has no silver lining. 7205% 7206A musician, an artist, an architect: 7207 the man or woman who is not one of these is not a Christian. 7208 -- William Blake 7209% 7210A myth is a religion in which no-one any longer believes. 7211 -- James Feibleman, "Understanding Philosophy" 7212% 7213A narcissist is anyone better-looking than you. 7214 -- Gore Vidal 7215% 7216A narcissist is someone better looking than you are. 7217 -- Gore Vidal 7218% 7219A nasty looking dwarf throws a knife at you. 7220% 7221A national debt, if it is not excessive, 7222will be to us a national blessing. 7223 -- Alexander Hamilton 7224% 7225A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey. "It is out on 7226loan," the teacher replied. At that moment, the donkey brayed loudly inside 7227the stable. "But I can hear it bray, over there." "Whom do you believe," 7228asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?" 7229% 7230A new 'chutist had just jumped from the plane at 10,000 feet, and soon 7231discovered that all his lines were hopelessly tangled. At about 5,000 feet, 7232still struggling, he noticed someone coming up from the ground at about the 7233same speed as he was going towards the ground. As they passed each other at 72343,000 feet, the 'chutist yells, "HEY! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PARACHUTES?" 7235 The reply came, fading towards the end, "NO! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING 7236ABOUT COLEMAN STOVES?" 7237% 7238A new koan: 7239 If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you. 7240 If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you. 7241It is an ice cream koan. 7242% 7243A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary. 7244Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a `round tuit' 7245now has no excuse for further procrastination. 7246% 7247A new taste had been acquired and a new appetite began to grow. The time 7248had long since arrived to crush the technical intelligentsia, which had 7249come to regard itself as too irreplaceable and had not gotten used to 7250catching instructions on the wing. In other words, we never did trust 7251the engineers - and from the very first years of the Revolution we saw to 7252it that those lackeys and servants of former capitalist bosses were kept 7253in line by healthy suspicion and surveillance by the workers. 7254 -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago" 7255% 7256A New Way of Taking Pills 7257 A physician one night in Wisconsin being disturbed by a burglar, and 7258having no ball or shot for his pistol, noiselessly loaded the weapon with 7259small, hard pills, and gave the intruder a "prescription" which he thinks 7260will go far towards curing the rascal of a very bad ailment. 7261 -- Nevada Morning Transcript, January 30, 1861 7262% 7263A New Yorker is riding down the road in his new Mercedes. So intent is he 7264on the cocaine in his hand he completely misses a turn and his car plunges 7265over the five-hundred-foot cliff to be smashed into pieces at the bottom. 7266As the on-lookers rush to the edge of the cliff they see him fifty feet 7267from the top of the cliff clinging to a stunted bush with all his strength. 7268"Dear Lord," he prays, "I never asked you for nothin' before, but I'm askin' 7269you now: Save me, Lord, save me." 7270 Booms the Lord: "LET GO OF THE BRANCH." 7271 "But Lord, if I do that, I'll fall!" 7272 "TRUST ME, LET GO OF THE BRANCH." 7273 "But Lord, I'm gonna fall and die..." 7274 "TRUST ME TO SAVE YOU. LET GO OF THE BRANCH." 7275 Okay, Lord, I'll trust you, here I... here I go!" And he falls 7276to his death. 7277 "DUMB YANKEE." 7278% 7279A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd gathered 7280by the side of the street. Curiousity got the better of him and he leaned 7281out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on. The fellow explained 7282that a protestor against the U.S. position in South America had doused 7283himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. "That's terrible," gasped 7284the man. "But why is everyone still standing around?" 7285 "Well, they're taking up a collection for his wife and kids," the 7286onlooker explained. "Would you be willing to help?" 7287 "Well, sure," replied the New Yorker. "I suppose I could spare a 7288gallon or two." 7289% 7290A newspaper is a circulating library with high blood pressure. 7291 -- Arthure "Bugs" Baer 7292% 7293A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. 7294 -- Yogi Berra 7295% 7296A Nixon [is preferable to] a Dean Rusk -- who will be 7297passionately wrong with a high sense of consistency. 7298 -- J.K. Galbraith 7299% 7300A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms. 7301 -- Phyllis Schlafly 7302% 7303A novice asked the Master: "Here is a programmer that never designs, 7304documents or tests his programs. Yet all who know him consider him 7305one of the bests programmer in the world. Why is this?" 7306 The Master replies: "That programmer has mastered the Tao. He has 7307gone beyond the need for design; he does not become angry when the system 7308crashes, but accepts the universe without concern. He has gone beyond the 7309need for documentation; he no longer cares if anyone else sees his code. 7310He has gone beyond the need for testing; each of his programs are perfect 7311within themselves, serene and elegant, their purpose self-evident. Truly, 7312he has entered the mystery of Tao." 7313% 7314A novice of the temple once approached the Chief Priest with a question. 7315 7316"Master, does Emacs have the Buddha nature?" the novice asked. 7317 7318The Chief Priest had been in the temple for many years and could be 7319relied upon to know these things. He thought for several minutes 7320before replying. 7321 7322"I don't see why not. It's got bloody well everything else." 7323 7324With that, the Chief Priest went to lunch. The novice suddenly achieved 7325enlightenment, several years later. 7326 7327Commentary: 7328 7329His Master is kind, 7330Answering his FAQ quickly, 7331With thought and sarcasm. 7332% 7333A nuclear war can ruin your whole day. 7334% 7335A pain in the ass of major dimensions. 7336 -- C.A. Desoer, on the solution of non-linear circuits 7337% 7338A Parable of Modern Research: 7339 7340 Bob has lost his keys in a room which is dark except for one 7341brightly lit corner. 7342 "Why are you looking under the light, you lost them in the dark!" 7343 "I can only see here." 7344% 7345A paranoid is a man who knows a little of what's going on. 7346 -- William S. Burroughs 7347% 7348A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants. 7349% 7350A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space. 7351 -- Gloria Steinem 7352% 7353A pencil with no point needs no eraser. 7354% 7355"A penny for your thoughts?" 7356"A dollar for your death." 7357 -- The Odd Couple 7358% 7359A penny saved has not been spent. 7360% 7361A penny saved is a penny taxed. 7362% 7363A penny saved is ridiculous. 7364% 7365A penny saved kills your career in government. 7366% 7367A people living under the perpetual menace of war and invasion is very easy to 7368govern. It demands no social reforms. It does not haggle over expenditures 7369on armaments and military equipment. It pays without discussion, it ruins 7370itself, and that is an excellent thing for the syndicates of financiers and 7371manufacturers for whom patriotic terrors are an abundant source of gain. 7372 -- Anatole France 7373% 7374A perfectly honest woman, a woman who never flatters, who never manages, 7375who never cajoles, who never conceals, who never uses her eyes, who never 7376speculates on the effect which she produces, who never is conscious of 7377unspoken admiration, what a monster, I say, would such a female be! 7378 -- Thackeray 7379% 7380A person forgives only when they are in the wrong. 7381% 7382A person is just about as big as the things that make him angry. 7383% 7384A person who has both feet planted firmly 7385in the air can be safely called a liberal. 7386% 7387A person who has nothing looks at all there is and wants something. 7388A person who has something looks at all there is and wants all the rest. 7389% 7390A person who is more than casually interested in computers should be well 7391schooled in machine language, since it is a fundamental part of a computer. 7392 -- Donald Knuth 7393% 7394A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist. 7395 -- Elbert Hubbard 7396% 7397A physicist is an atoms way of knowing about atoms. 7398 -- George Wald 7399% 7400A pickup with three guys in it pulls into the lumber yard. One of the men 7401gets out and goes into the office. 7402 "I need some four-by-two's," he says. 7403 "You must mean two-by-four's" replies the clerk. 7404 The man scratches his head. "Wait a minute," he says, "I'll go 7405check." 7406 Back, after an animated conversation with the other occupants of the 7407truck, he reassures the clerk, that, yes, in fact, two-by-fours would be 7408acceptable. 7409 "OK," says the clerk, writing it down, "how long you want 'em?" 7410 The guy gets the blank look again. "Uh... I guess I better go 7411check," he says. 7412 He goes back out to the truck, and there's another animated 7413conversation. The guy comes back into the office. "A long time," he says, 7414"we're building a house". 7415% 7416A pig is a jolly companion, 7417Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt -- 7418A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale, 7419Though mountains may topple and tilt. 7420When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you, 7421When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig, 7422Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover, 7423You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig, 7424You'll never go wrong with a pig! 7425 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" 7426% 7427A pipe gives a wise man time to think 7428and a fool something to stick in his mouth. 7429% 7430A place for everything and everything in its place. 7431 -- Isabella Mary Beeton, "The Book of Household Management" 7432 7433 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 7434 referring to memory management system services.] 7435% 7436A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it. 7437 -- Stanley Baldwin 7438% 7439A plethora of individuals with expertise in culinary techniques 7440contaminate the potable concoction produced by steeping certain 7441edible nutriments. 7442% 7443A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs. 7444% 7445A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits. 7446% 7447A Polish worker walks into a bank to deposit his paycheck. He has heard 7448about Poland's economic problems, and he asks what would happen to his 7449money if the bank collapsed. "All of our deposits are guaranteed by the 7450finance ministry, sir," the teller replies. 7451 "But what if the finance ministry goes broke?" the worker asks. 7452 "Then the government will intercede to protect the working class," 7453the teller says. 7454 "But what if the government goes broke?" the worker asks. 7455 "Our socialist comrades in the Soviet Union naturally will come 7456to our assistance," the teller responds with growing irritation. 7457 "And if the Soviet Union goes broke?" the worker asks. 7458 "Idiot!" the teller snorts. "Isn't that worth losing one lousy 7459paycheck?" 7460 -- Making the rounds in Warsaw, 1984 7461% 7462A political man can have as his aim the realization of freedom, 7463but he has no means to realize it other than through violence. 7464 -- Jean Paul Sartre 7465% 7466A possum must be himself, and being himself he is honest. 7467 -- Walt Kelly 7468% 7469A pound of salt will not sweeten a single cup of tea. 7470% 7471A "practical joker" deserves applause for his wit according to its quality. 7472Bastinado is about right. For exceptional wit one might grant keelhauling. 7473But staking him out on an anthill should be reserved for the very wittiest. 7474 -- Lazarus Long 7475% 7476A prediction is worth twenty explanations. 7477 -- K. Brecher 7478% 7479A pretty foot is one of the greatest gifts of nature... please send me your 7480last pair of shoes, already worn out in dancing... so I can have something 7481of yours to press against my heart. 7482 -- Goethe 7483% 7484A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything. 7485% 7486A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the devil. 7487Replied Voltaire, "This is no time to make new enemies." 7488% 7489A priest asked: What is Fate, Master? 7490 7491 And the Master answered: 7492 It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence. 7493It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs. 7494 7495 It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City 7496to City upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns 7497have come to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness. 7498 7499 And that is Fate? said the priest. 7500 7501 Fate... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master. 7502 7503 That's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know 7504what Freight was too. 7505 -- Kehlog Albran 7506% 7507A prig is a fellow who is always making you a present of his opinions. 7508 -- George Eliot 7509% 7510A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then 7511asks you not to kill him. 7512 -- Sir Winston Churchill, 1952 7513% 7514A private sin is not so prejudicial in the world as a public indecency. 7515 -- Miguel de Cervantes 7516% 7517A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. 7518% 7519A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of 7520being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite series of 7521incomprehensible answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague 7522assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive documents 7523and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of 7524dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of 7525annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was 7526unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place. 7527 -- IEEE Grid newsmagazine 7528% 7529A programming language is low level 7530when its programs require attention to the irrelevant. 7531% 7532A prohibitionist is the sort of man one wouldn't care to 7533drink with -- even if he drank. 7534 -- Mencken 7535% 7536A prominent broadcaster, on a big-game safari in Africa, was taken to a 7537watering hole where the life of the jungle could be observed. As he 7538looked down from his tree platform and described the scene into his 7539tape recorder, he saw two gnus grazing peacefully. So preoccupied were 7540they that they failed to observe the approach of a pride of lions led 7541by two magnificent specimens, obviously the leaders. The lions charged, 7542killed the gnus, and dragged them into the bushes where their feasting 7543could not be seen. A little while later the two kings of the jungle 7544emerged and the radioman recorded on his tape: "Well, that's the end of 7545the gnus and here, once again, are the head lions." 7546% 7547A promiscuous person is usually someone who is 7548getting more sex than you are. 7549 -- Victor Lownes 7550% 7551A proper wife should be as obedient as a slave... The female is a female 7552by virtue of a certain lack of qualities -- a natural defectiveness. 7553 -- Aristotle 7554% 7555A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions 7556your wife asks you for nothing. 7557 -- Joey Adams 7558% 7559A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that 7560your wife will give you for free. 7561% 7562A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as 7563"you could blow it in" may be blown in. This rule does not apply if 7564the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants 7565to make a travesty of the game. 7566 -- Donald A. Metz 7567% 7568A rabbi and a priest are sitting together on a train, and the rabbi leans 7569over and asks, "So, how high can you advance in your organization?" 7570 The priest replies, "Well, if I am lucky, I guess I could become a 7571Bishop." 7572 "Well, could you get any higher than that?" 7573 "I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I 7574might be made an Archbishop." 7575 "Is there any way that you might go higher than that?" 7576 "If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal." 7577 "Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?" 7578 Hesitating a little bit, the priest said, "I supose that I could 7579be elected Pope, but only if it's God's will." 7580 "And could you be anything higher than that, is there any way to go 7581up from being the Pope?" 7582 "What?! I should be the Messiah himself?!" 7583 The rabbi leaned back and smiled. "One of our boys made it." 7584% 7585A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results 7586blacked out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon. 7587 -- Steel City News 7588% 7589A racially integrated community is a chronological term timed from the 7590entrance of the first black family to the exit of the last white family. 7591 -- Saul Alinsky 7592% 7593A real diplomat is one who can cut his neighbor's throat without having 7594his neighbour notice it. 7595 -- Trygve Lie 7596% 7597A real estate agent, looking over a farmer's house for possible sale, 7598commented to the farmer how sturdy the house looked. 7599 The farmer replied, "Yep, built it with my bare hands... did it 7600the hard way. The steps to the front door, here, carved 'em out of 7601field stones... did it the hard way. That hardwood floor in the living 7602room, dovetailed the pieces myself... did it the hard way. The ceiling 7603beams, made 'em out of my own oak trees... did it the hard way." 7604 Just then, the farmer's gorgeous daughter walked in. The farmer 7605looks over at the real estate agent who is trying not to stare too 7606obviously and smiles. "Yep... standing up in a canoe." 7607% 7608A real friend isn't someone you use once and then throw away. 7609A real friend is someone you can use over and over again. 7610% 7611A real gentleman never takes bases unless he really has to. 7612 -- Overheard in an algebra lecture. 7613% 7614A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking 7615ticket and rejoices that the system works. 7616% 7617A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen 7618objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer 7619scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added concentration 7620needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three dimensional objects. 7621% 7622A rich man told me recently that a liberal is a man who tells other 7623people what to do with their money. 7624 -- Imamu Amiri Baraka (Leroi Jones) 7625% 7626A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you. 7627 -- Ramsey Clark 7628% 7629A robin redbreast in a cage 7630Puts all Heaven in a rage. 7631 -- Blake 7632% 7633A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single 7634man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral. 7635 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery 7636% 7637A rolling disk gathers no MOS. 7638% 7639A rolling stone gathers momentum. 7640% 7641A rolling stone gathers no moss. 7642 -- Publilius Syrus 7643% 7644A Roman divorced from his wife, being highly blamed by his friends, who 7645demanded, "Was she not chaste? Was she not fair? Was she not fruitful?" 7646holding out his shoe, asked them whether it was not new and well made. 7647Yet, added he, none of you can tell where it pinches me. 7648 -- Plutarch 7649% 7650A rope lying over the top of a fence is the same length on each side. It 7651weighs one third of a pound per foot. On one end hangs a monkey holding a 7652banana, and on the other end a weight equal to the weight of the monkey. 7653The banana weighs two ounces per inch. The rope is as long (in feet) as 7654the age of the monkey (in years), and the weight of the monkey (in ounces) 7655is the same as the age of the monkey's mother. The combined age of the 7656monkey and its mother is thirdy years. One half of the weight of the monkey, 7657plus the weight of the banana, is one forth as much as the weight of the 7658weight and the weight of the rope. The monkey's mother is half as old as 7659the monkey will be when it is three times as old as its mother was when she 7660she was half as old as the monkey will be when when it is as old as its mother 7661will be when she is four times as old as the monkey was when it was twice 7662as its mother was when she was one third as old as the monkey was when it 7663was old as is mother was when she was three times as old as the monkey was 7664when it was one fourth as old as it is now. How long is the banana? 7665% 7666A rose is a rose is a rose. Just ask Jean Marsh, known to millions of 7667PBS viewers in the '70s as Rose, the maid on the BBC export "Upstairs, 7668Downstairs." Though Marsh has since gone on to other projects, ... it's 7669with Rose she's forever identified. So much so that she even likes to 7670joke about having one named after her, a distinction not without its 7671drawbacks. "I was very flattered when I heard about it, but when I looked 7672up the official description, it said, `Jean Marsh: pale peach, not very 7673good in beds; better up against a wall.' I want to tell you that's not 7674true. I'm very good in beds as well." 7675% 7676A sad spectacle. If they be inhabited, what a scope for misery and folly. 7677If they be not inhabited, what a waste of space. 7678 -- Thomas Carlyle, looking at the stars 7679% 7680A sadist is a masochist who follows the Golden Rule. 7681% 7682A salamander scurries into flame to be destroyed. 7683Imaginary creatures are trapped in birth on celluloid. 7684 -- Genesis, "The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway" 7685 7686I don't know what it's about. I'm just the drummer. Ask Peter. 7687 -- Phil Collins in 1975, when asked about the message behind 7688 the previous year's Genesis release, "The Lamb Lies Down 7689 on Broadway". 7690% 7691A Scholar asked his Master, "Master, would you advise me of a proper 7692vocation?" 7693 The Master replied, "Some men can earn their keep with the power of 7694their minds. Others must use thier strong backs, legs and hands. This is 7695the same in nature as it is with man. Some animals acquire their food easily, 7696such as rabbits, hogs and goats. Other animals must fiercely struggle for 7697their sustenance, like beavers, moles and ants. So you see, the nature of 7698the vocation must fit the individual. 7699 "But I have no abilities, desires, or imagination, Master," the 7700scholer sobbed. 7701 Queried the Master... "Have you thought of becoming a salesperson?" 7702% 7703A scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and 7704making them see the light, but rather because its opponents eventually 7705die and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it. 7706 -- Max Planck 7707% 7708A sect or party is an elegant incognito devised to save a man from 7709the vexation of thinking. 7710 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1831 7711% 7712A sense of desolation and uncertainty, of futility, of the baselessness 7713of aspirations, of the vanity of endeavor, and a thirst for a life giving 7714water which seems suddenly to have failed, are the signs in conciousness 7715of this necessary reorganization of our lives. 7716 7717It is difficult to believe that this state of mind can be produced by the 7718recognition of such facts as that unsupported stones always fall to the 7719ground. 7720 -- J.W.N. Sullivan 7721% 7722A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will keep 7723him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those that are 7724worth committing. 7725 -- Samuel Butler 7726% 7727A sequel is an admission that you've been reduced to imitating yourself. 7728 -- Don Marquis 7729% 7730A Severe Strain on the Credulity 7731 As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the 7732highest parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket 7733is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one considers the 7734multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one begins to doubt... 7735for after the rocket quits our air and really starts on its journey, its 7736flight would be neither accelerated nor maintained by the explosion of the 7737charges it then might have left. Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in 7738Clark College and countenancing of the Smithsonian Institution, does not 7739know the relation of action to re-action, and of the need to have something 7740better than a vacuum against which to react... Of course he only seems to 7741lack the knowledge ladled out daily in high schools. 7742 -- New York Times Editorial, 1920 7743% 7744A sharper perspective on this matter is particularly important to feminist 7745thought today, because a major tendency in feminism has constructed the 7746problem of domination as a drama of female vulnerability victimized by male 7747aggression. Even the more sophisticated feminist thinkers frequently shy 7748away from the analysis of submission, for fear that in admitting woman's 7749participation in the relationship of domination, the onus of responsibility 7750will appear to shift from men to women, and the moral victory from women to 7751men. More generally, this has been a weakness of radical politics: to 7752idealize the oppressed, as if their politics and culture were untouched by 7753the system of domination, as if people did not participate in their own 7754submission. To reduce domination to a simple relation of doer and done-to 7755is to substitute moral outrage for analysis. 7756 -- Jessica Benjamin, "The Bonds of Love" 7757% 7758A shortcut is the longest distance between two points. 7759% 7760A sine curve goes off to infinity, or at least the end of the blackboard. 7761 -- Prof. Steiner 7762% 7763A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic. 7764 -- Joseph Stalin 7765% 7766A single flow'r he sent me, since we met. 7767All tenderly his messenger he chose; 7768Deep-hearted, pure, with scented dew still wet-- 7769One perfect rose. 7770 7771I knew the language of the floweret; 7772"My fragile leaves," it said, "his heart enclose." 7773Love long has taken for his amulet 7774One perfect rose. 7775 7776Why is it no one ever sent me yet 7777One perfect limousine, do you suppose? 7778Ah no, it's always just my luck to get 7779One perfect rose. 7780 -- Dorothy Parker, "One Perfect Rose" 7781% 7782A sinking ship gathers no moss. 7783 -- Donald Kaul 7784% 7785A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two. 7786% 7787A Smith & Wesson beats four aces. 7788% 7789A snake lurks in the grass. 7790 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) 7791% 7792A social scientist, studying the culture and traditions of a small North 7793African tribe, found a woman still practicing the ancient art of matchmaking. 7794Locally, she was known as the Moor, the marrier. 7795% 7796A society in which women are taught anything but the management of a family, 7797the care of men, and the creation of the future generation is a society 7798which is on its way out. 7799 -- L. Ron Hubbard 7800% 7801A soft answer turneth away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger. 7802 -- Proverbs 15:1 7803% 7804A soft drink turneth away company. 7805% 7806A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg 7807that looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity. 7808 -- Mark Twain 7809% 7810A song in time is worth a dime. 7811% 7812A Southern boy graduates from high school heads north to college, taking the 7813family dog, Old Blue with him, for company. He's only been there a few weeks 7814when he gets a call from his girlfriend; seems like they've got a problem, 7815and she needs a thousand dollars to take care of it. The boy calls his folks: 7816 "How are you?" they ask. 7817 "Oh, I'm fine," he says. 7818 "And how," they ask, "is Old Blue?" 7819 "Well, he's kind of depressed. You see, there's this lady up here 7820that teaches dogs to talk, and Ol' Blue is feelin' kind of left out 'cause 7821he's the only dog that doesn't know how to talk. She charges a thousand 7822dollars." 7823 The parents send the boy the thousand dollars, he forwards it to Mary 7824Lou, and everything's fine until Christmas vacation. The boy leaves Ol' Blue 7825at his dorm, 'cause he just can't figure out what to tell his parents. Sure 7826enough, when he gets home, the first thing his father wants to know is 7827"Where's Old Blue?" 7828 "Well, Pa," says the boy. "I was driving on home and Old Blue was 7829talking away about this and that when we passed the Buford's farm. Old Blue, 7830well, he said, `Say, what do you think your mother would do if I told her 7831that your father's been comin' over here and seeing Mrs. Buford all these 7832years?'" 7833 The father looks at his son -- "You shot that dog, didn't you, boy?" 7834% 7835A squeegee by any other name wouldn't sound as funny. 7836% 7837A statesman is a politician who's been dead 10 or 15 years. 7838 -- Harry S. Truman 7839% 7840A statistician, who refused to fly after reading of the alarmingly high 7841probability that there will be a bomb on any given plane, realized that 7842the probability of there being two bombs on any given flight is very low. 7843Now, whenever he flies, he carries a bomb with him. 7844% 7845A stitch in time saves nine. 7846% 7847"...A strange enigma is man!" 7848"Someone calls him a soul concealed in an animal," I suggested. 7849 "Winwood Reade is good upon the subject," said Holmes. "He remarked 7850that, while the individual man is an insoluble puzzle, in the aggregate he 7851becomes a mathematical certainty. You can, for example, never foretell what 7852any one man will do, but you can say with precision what an average number 7853will be up to. Individuals vary, but percentages remain constant. So says 7854the statistician." 7855 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four" 7856% 7857A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows. 7858% 7859A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows. 7860 -- O'Henry 7861% 7862A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to Greenblatt. 7863As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by. "Is it true", asked the 7864student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as Lisp?" Almost before 7865the student had finished his question, Greenblatt shouted, "FOO!", and hit 7866the student with a stick. 7867% 7868A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam. 7869% 7870A stunning blonde, but probably all bean dip above the eyebrows. 7871% 7872A successful tool is one that was used to do something 7873undreamed of by its author. 7874 -- S.C. Johnson 7875% 7876A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first 7877thought of. 7878 -- Burt Bacharach 7879% 7880A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm) 7881 -- by Charles Dickens 7882 7883 A lawyer who looks like a French Nobleman is executed in his place. 7884 7885The Metamorphosis LITE(tm) 7886 -- by Franz Kafka 7887 7888 A man turns into a bug and his family gets annoyed. 7889 7890Lord of the Rings LITE(tm) 7891 -- by J.R.R. Tolkien 7892 7893 Some guys take a long vacation to throw a ring into a volcano. 7894 7895Hamlet LITE(tm) 7896 -- by Wm. Shakespeare 7897 7898 A college student on vacation with family problems, a screwy 7899 girl-friend and a mother who won't act her age. 7900% 7901A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm) 7902 -- by Charles Dickens 7903 7904 A man in love with a girl who loves another man who looks just 7905 like him has his head chopped off in France because of a mean 7906 lady who knits. 7907 7908Crime and Punishment LITE(tm) 7909 -- by Fyodor Dostoevski 7910 7911 A man sends a nasty letter to a pawnbroker, but later 7912 feels guilty and apologizes. 7913 7914The Odyssey LITE(tm) 7915 -- by Homer 7916 7917 After working late, a valiant warrior gets lost on his way home. 7918% 7919A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you. 7920% 7921A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say. 7922 -- Michael Winner, British film director 7923% 7924A Texan, impressing the hell out of a Bostonian with tales about the heroes 7925of the Alamo, commented, "I'll bet you never had anyone that brave around 7926*Boston*." 7927 "Ever hear of Paul Revere?", snarled the Bostonian. 7928 "Paul Revere?", pondered the Texan. "Isn't he the guy who ran for 7929help?" 7930% 7931A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it. 7932 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Portrait of Mr. W.H." 7933% 7934A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything 7935but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others. 7936 -- Ambrose Bierce 7937% 7938A transistor protected by a fast-acting 7939fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first. 7940% 7941A traveling salesman was driving past a farm when he saw a pig with three 7942wooden legs executing a magnificent series of backflips and cartwheels. 7943Intrigued, he drove up to the farmhouse, where he found an old farmer 7944sitting in the yard watching the pig. 7945 "That's quite a pig you have there, sir" said the salesman. 7946 "Sure is, son," the farmer replied. "Why, two years ago, my daughter 7947was swimming in the lake and bumped her head and damned near drowned, but that 7948pig swam out and dragged her back to shore." 7949 "Amazing!" the salesman exlaimed. 7950 "And that's not the only thing. Last fall I was cuttin' wood up on 7951the north forty when a tree fell on me. Pinned me to the ground, it did. 7952That pig run up and wiggled underneath that tree and lifted it off of me. 7953Saved my life." 7954 "Fantastic! the salesman said. But tell me, how come the pig has 7955three wooden legs?" 7956 The farmer stared at the newcomer in amazement. "Mister, when you 7957got an amazin' pig like that, you don't eat him all at once." 7958% 7959A true artist will let his wife starve, his children go barefoot, his mother 7960drudge for his living at seventy, sooner than work at anything but his art. 7961 -- Shaw 7962% 7963A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. 7964% 7965A truly wise woman never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. 7966% 7967A truth that's told with bad intent 7968Beats all the lies you can invent. 7969 -- William Blake 7970% 7971A university is what a college becomes 7972when the faculty loses interest in students. 7973 -- John Ciardi 7974% 7975A vacuum is a hell of a lot better 7976than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with. 7977 -- Tenessee Williams 7978% 7979A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. 7980 -- Samuel Goldwyn 7981% 7982A violent man will die a violent death. 7983 -- Lao Tsu 7984% 7985A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work. 7986% 7987A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work. 7988% 7989A vivid and creative mind characterizes you. 7990% 7991A waist is a terrible thing to mind. 7992 -- Ziggy 7993% 7994A watched clock never boils. 7995% 7996A well adjusted person is one who makes 7997the same mistake twice without getting nervous. 7998% 7999A well-known friend is a treasure. 8000% 8001A well-used door needs no oil on its hinges. 8002A swift-flowing steam does no grow stagnant. 8003Neither sound nor thoughts can travel through a vacuum. 8004Software rots if not used. 8005 8006These are great mysteries. 8007 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 8008% 8009A widow is more sought after than an old maid of the same age. 8010 -- Addison 8011% 8012A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there 8013*for the rest of your life*. 8014 -- Jim Samuels 8015% 8016A wise man can see more from a mountain top 8017than a fool can from the bottom of a well. 8018% 8019A wise man can see more from the bottom 8020of a well than a fool can from a mountain top. 8021% 8022A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion. 8023 -- Chinese proverb 8024% 8025A witty saying proves nothing. 8026 -- Voltaire 8027% 8028"A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are recticent to admit, 8029let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact remains that 8030there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one reason or another, 8031completely immune to any direct magical spell. It is for this group of 8032beings that the magician learns the subtleties of using indirect spells. 8033It also does no harm, in dealing with these matters, to carry a large club 8034near your person at all times." 8035 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII 8036% 8037A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to admit, 8038let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact remains that 8039there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one reason or another, 8040completely immune to any direct magical spell. It is for this group of 8041beings that the magician learns the subtleties of using indirect spells. 8042It also does no harm, in dealing with these matters, to carry a large club 8043near your person at all times. 8044 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII 8045% 8046A woman can look both moral and exciting -- if she also looks as if it 8047were quite a struggle. 8048 -- Edna Ferber 8049% 8050A woman can never be too rich or too thin. 8051% 8052A woman did what a woman had to, the best way she knew how. 8053To do more was impossible, to do less, unthinkable. 8054 -- Dirisha, "The Man Who Never Missed" 8055% 8056A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed. 8057 -- Scott 8058% 8059A woman, especially if she have the misfortune 8060of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can. 8061 -- Jane Austen 8062% 8063A woman forgives the audacity of which 8064her beauty has prompted us to be guilty. 8065 -- LeSage 8066% 8067A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be 8068thankful for a good one. 8069 -- Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings 8070% 8071A woman is like your shadow; follow her, she flies; fly from her, 8072she follows. 8073 -- Chamfort 8074% 8075A woman is like your shadow; follow her, 8076she flies; fly from her, she follows. 8077 -- Chamfort 8078% 8079A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure, 8080it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy. 8081 -- Nietzsche 8082% 8083A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to 8084endure, it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy. 8085 -- Nietzsche 8086% 8087A woman must be a cute, cuddly, naive little thing -- tender, sweet, 8088and stupid. 8089 -- Adolf Hitler 8090% 8091A woman must be a cute, cuddly, naive 8092little thing -- tender, sweet, and stupid. 8093 -- Adolf Hitler 8094% 8095A woman of generous character will sacrifice her life a thousand times 8096over for her lover, but will break with him for ever over a question of 8097pride -- for the opening or the shutting of a door. 8098 -- Stendhal 8099% 8100A woman physician has made the statement that smoking is neither 8101physically defective nor morally degrading, and that nicotine, even 8102when indulged to in excess, is less harmful than excessive petting." 8103 -- Purdue Exponent, Jan 16, 1925 8104% 8105A woman shouldn't have to buy her own perfume. 8106 -- Maurine Lewis 8107% 8108A woman went into a hospital one day to give birth. Afterwards, the doctor 8109came to her and said, "I have some... odd news for you." 8110 "Is my baby all right?" the woman anxiously asked. 8111 "Yes, he is," the doctor replied, "but we don't know how. Your son 8112(we assume) was born with no body. He only has a head." 8113 Well, the doctor was correct. The Head was alive and well, though no 8114one knew how. The Head turned out to be fairly normal, ignoring his lack of 8115a body, and lived for some time as typical a life as could be expected under 8116the circumstances. 8117 One day, about twenty years after the fateful birth, the woman got a 8118phone call from another doctor. The doctor said, "I have recently perfected 8119an operation. Your son can live a normal life now: we can graft a body onto 8120his head!" 8121 The woman, practically weeping with joy, thanked the doctor and hung 8122up. She ran up the stairs saying, "Johnny, Johnny, I have a *wonderful* 8123surprise for you!" 8124 "Oh no," cried The Head, "not another HAT!" 8125% 8126A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. 8127 -- Gloria Steinem 8128% 8129A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. 8130Therefore, a man without a woman is like a bicycle without a fish. 8131% 8132A woman's best protection is a little money of her own. 8133 -- Clare Booth Luce, quoted in "The Wit of Women" 8134% 8135A woman's place is in the house... and in the Senate. 8136% 8137A word to the wise is enough. 8138 -- Miguel de Cervantes 8139% 8140A would-be disciple came to Nasrudin's hut on the mountain-side. Knowing 8141that every action of such an enlightened one is significant, the seeker 8142watched the teacher closely. "Why do you blow on your hands?" "To warm 8143myself in the cold." Later, Nasrudin poured bowls of hot soup for himself 8144and the newcomer, and blew on his own. "Why are you doing that, Master?" 8145"To cool the soup." Unable to trust a man who uses the same process 8146to arrive at two different results -- hot and cold -- the disciple departed. 8147% 8148A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call 8149what he writes fiction. 8150 -- William Faulkner 8151% 8152A yawn is a silent shout. 8153 -- G.K. Chesterton 8154% 8155A year spent in Artificial Intelligence is enough to make one believe in God. 8156% 8157A young girl once committed suicide because her mother refused her a new 8158bonnet. Coroner's verdict: "Death from excessive spunk." 8159 -- Sacramento Daily Union, September 13, 1860 8160% 8161A young man and his girlfriend were walking along Main Street when she spotted 8162a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry-store window. "Wow, I'd sure love to 8163have that!" she gushed. 8164 "No problem," her companion replied, throwing a brick through the 8165window and grabbing the ring. 8166 A few blocks later, the woman admired a full-length sable coat. "What 8167I'd give to own that," she said, sighing. 8168 "No problem," he said, throwing a brick through the window and grabbing 8169the coat. 8170 Finally, turning for home, they passed a car dealership. "Boy, I'd do 8171anything for one of those Rolls-Royces," she said. 8172 "Jeez, baby," the guy moaned, "you think I'm made of bricks?" 8173% 8174A young man enters the New York branch of Tiffany's on a Friday evening and 8175walks up to a display case full of pearl necklaces. He turns to a gorgeous 8176woman, who is obviously windowshopping, looks her straight in the eye and 8177says, "I can tell by your eyes that you really want that necklace. If you'll 8178allow me, I'd like to buy it for you." 8179 The woman looks him up and down; he's wearing a nice suit and some 8180pretty nice jewelry, but she has trouble believing this story. 8181 "Look, this is some kind of put on, right?" 8182 "No, really. You see, I've got quite a lot of money -- so much that 8183I could never spend it all. I'd really like for you to have it." 8184 The guys whips out his checkbook, writes a check for five figures, 8185calls over a clerk and hands it to him. The clerk peers at the check, looks 8186at the young man, looks at the check again. "Very good, sir. I'm afraid I 8187can't release the necklace immediately, would Monday be all right?" 8188 "That'll be fine, she'll pick it up." the man replies, and walks out 8189of the store with the woman following him in a daze. 8190 The next Monday the man comes back in and walks up to the counter. 8191The same clerk hurries over to him and says, "Sir, I'm sorry to have to tell 8192you this, but your check was returned for insufficient funds." 8193 "I know," the man replies. "I just wanted to thank you for a 8194terrific weekend." 8195% 8196A young man wrote to Mozart and said: 8197 8198Q: "Herr Mozart, I am thinking of writing symphonies. Can you give me any 8199 suggestions as to how to get started?" 8200A: "A symphony is a very complex musical form, perhaps you should begin with 8201 some simple lieder and work your way up to a symphony." 8202Q: "But Herr Mozart, you were writing symphonies when you were 8 years old." 8203A: "But I never asked anybody how." 8204% 8205A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive. 8206% 8207AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!! 8208You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room! 8209% 8210Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy. 8211% 8212Abbott's Admonitions: 8213 1: If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know. 8214 2: If you don't like the answer, you shouldn't have asked 8215 the question. 8216 -- Charles Abbot, dean, University of Virginia 8217% 8218Aberdeen was so small that when the family with the car went 8219on vacation, the gas station and drive-in theatre had to close. 8220% 8221Abou Ben Adhem (may his tribe increase!) 8222Awoke one night from a deep dream of peace, 8223And saw, within the moonlight in his room, 8224Making it rich, and like a lily in bloom, 8225An angel writing in a book of gold. 8226Exceeding peace had made Ben Adhem bold, 8227And to the presence in the room he said, 8228"What writest thou?" The vision raised its head, 8229And with a look made of all sweet accord, 8230Answered, "The names of those who love the Lord." 8231"And is mine one?" said Abou. "Nay not so," 8232Replied the angel. Abou spoke more low, 8233But cheerly still; and said, "I pray thee then, 8234Write me as one that loves his fellow-men." 8235The angel wrote, and vanished. The next night 8236It came again with a great wakening light, 8237And showed the names whom love of God had blessed, 8238And lo! Ben Adhem's name led all the rest. 8239 -- James Henry Leigh Hunt, "Abou Ben Adhem" 8240% 8241About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard. 8242% 8243About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog. 8244% 8245About the only thing we have left that actually 8246discriminates in favor of the plain people is the stork. 8247% 8248About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends. 8249 -- Herbert Hoover 8250% 8251About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt 8252ax. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead. 8253 -- Edsger Dijkstra 8254% 8255Above all else - sky. 8256% 8257Above all things, reverence yourself. 8258% 8259Abraham Lincoln didn't die in vain. He died in Washington, D.C. 8260% 8261ABSCOND: 8262 To be unexpectedly called away to the bedside 8263 of a dying relative and miss the return train. 8264% 8265abscond, v: 8266 To be unexpectedly called away to the bedside of a dying relative 8267 and miss the return train. 8268% 8269Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases 8270great ones, as the wind blows out candles and fans fires. 8271 -- La Rochefoucauld 8272% 8273Absence in love is like water upon fire; 8274a little quickens, but much extinguishes it. 8275 -- Hannah More 8276% 8277Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, 8278it enkindles the great. 8279% 8280Absence makes the heart forget. 8281% 8282Absence makes the heart go wander. 8283% 8284Absence makes the heart grow fonder. 8285 -- Sextus Aurelius 8286% 8287Absence makes the heart grow fonder -- of somebody else. 8288% 8289Absence makes the heart grow frantic. 8290% 8291ABSENT: 8292 Exposed to the attacks of friends and 8293 acquaintances; defamed; slandered. 8294% 8295ABSENTEE: 8296 A person with an income who has had the forethought 8297 to remove themselves from the sphere of exaction. 8298% 8299Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder. 8300% 8301Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it's out of date.) 8302 -- Stafford Beer 8303% 8304ABSTAINER: 8305 A weak person who yields to the 8306 temptation of denying himself a pleasure. 8307% 8308Abstract: 8309 This study examined the incidence of neckwear tightness among a group 8310of 94 white-collar working men and the effect of a tight business-shirt collar 8311and tie on the visual performance of 22 male subjects. Of the white-collar 8312men measured, 67% were found to be wearing neckwear that was tighter than 8313their neck circumference. The visual discrimination of the 22 subjects was 8314evaluated using a critical flicker frequency (CFF) test. Results of the CFF 8315test indicated that tight neckwear significantly decreased the visual 8316performance of the subjects and that visual performance did not improve 8317immediately when tight neckwear was removed. 8318 -- Langan, L.M. and Watkins, S.M. "Pressure of Menswear on the 8319 Neck in Relation to Visual Performance." Human Factors 29, 8320 #1 (Feb. 1987), pp. 67-71. 8321% 8322ABSURDITY: 8323 A statement or belief manifestly 8324 inconsistent with one's own opinion. 8325% 8326Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, 8327because the stakes are so low. 8328 -- Wallace Sayre 8329% 8330Academicians care, that's who. 8331% 8332ACADEMY: 8333 A modern school where football is taught. 8334INSTITUTE: 8335 An archaic school where football is not taught. 8336% 8337Accent on helpful side of your nature. Drain the moat. 8338% 8339Accept people for what they are -- completely unacceptable. 8340% 8341ACCEPTANCE TESTING: 8342 An unsuccessful attempt to find bugs. 8343% 8344Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western 8345religion. Rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic 8346of Western science. 8347 -- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters" 8348% 8349Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western 8350religion; rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of 8351Western science. 8352 -- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters" 8353% 8354Accident: 8355 A condition in which presence of mind is good, 8356 but absence of body is better. 8357 -- Foolish Dictionary 8358% 8359Accidentally Shot 8360 Colonel Gray, of Petaluma, came near losing his life a few days ago, 8361in a singular manner. A gentleman with whom he was hunting attempted to 8362bring down a dove, but instead of doing so put the load of shot through the 8363Colonel's hat. One shot took effect in his forehead. 8364 -- Sacramento Daily Union, April 20, 1861 8365% 8366Accidents cause History. 8367 8368If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the 8369Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not 8370have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil 8371could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and 8372the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd. 8373 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 8374% 8375According to a recent and unscientific national survey, smiling is something 8376everyone should do at least 6 times a day. In an effort to increase the 8377national average (the US ranks third among the world's superpowers in 8378smiling), Xerox has instructed all personnel to be happy, effervescent, and 8379most importantly, to smile. Xerox employees agree, and even feel strongly 8380that they can not only meet but surpass the national average... except for 8381Tubby Ackerman. But because Tubby does such a fine job of racing around 8382parking lots with a large butterfly net retrieving floating IC chips, Xerox 8383decided to give him a break. If you see Tubby in a parking lot he may have 8384a sheepish grin. This is where the expression, "Service with a slightly 8385sheepish grin" comes from. 8386% 8387According to all the latest reports, 8388there was no truth in any of the earlier reports. 8389% 8390According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest: "No person 8391shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than 8392fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening 8393of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of 8394the returns." 8395% 8396According to convention there is a sweet and a bitter, a hot and a cold, 8397and according to convention, there is an order. In truth, there are atoms 8398and a void. 8399 -- Democritus, 400 B.C. 8400% 8401According to my best recollection, I don't remember. 8402 -- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo 8403% 8404According to the latest official figures, 840543% of all statistics are totally worthless. 8406% 8407According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in 8408America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. 8409Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could 8410beat up their city anytime. 8411 -- David Letterman 8412% 8413According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in 8414America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. 8415Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could 8416beat up their city anytime. 8417 -- David Letterman 8418% 8419ACCORDION: 8420 A bagpipe with pleats. 8421% 8422ACCURACY: 8423 The vice of being right. 8424% 8425Acid -- better living through chemistry. 8426% 8427Acid absorbs 47 times its own weight in excess Reality. 8428% 8429Acquaintance, n: 8430 A person whom we know well enough to borrow from but not well 8431 enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when the 8432 object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous. 8433 -- Ambrose Bierce 8434% 8435Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing. 8436% 8437Acting is not very hard. The most important things are to be able to laugh 8438and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. And if I have to laugh, 8439well, I think of my sex life. 8440 -- Glenda Jackson 8441% 8442Actor Real Name 8443 8444Boris Karloff William Henry Pratt 8445Cary Grant Archibald Leach 8446Edward G. Robinson Emmanual Goldenburg 8447Gene Wilder Gerald Silberman 8448John Wayne Marion Morrison 8449Kirk Douglas Issur Danielovitch 8450Richard Burton Richard Jenkins Jr. 8451Roy Rogers Leonard Slye 8452Woody Allen Allen Stewart Konigsberg 8453% 8454Actor: So what do you do for a living? 8455Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving 8456 dishes for Chinese restaurants. 8457 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 8458% 8459Actresses will happen in the best regulated families. 8460 -- Addison Mizner and Oliver Herford, "The Entirely 8461 New Cynic's Calendar", 1905 8462% 8463Actually, my goal is to have a sandwich named after me. 8464% 8465Actually, the probability is 100% that the elevator 8466will be going in the right direction. Proof by induction: 8467 8468N=1. Trivialy true, since both you and the elevator 8469 only have one floor to go to. 8470 8471Assume true for N, prove for N+1: 8472 If you are on any of the first N floors, then it is true by the 8473 induction hypothesis. If you are on the N+1st floor, then both you 8474 and the elevator have only one choice, namely down. Therefore, 8475 it is true for all N+1 floors. 8476QED. 8477% 8478Ad astra per aspera. (To the stars by aspiration.) 8479% 8480ADA: 8481 Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in 8482 Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop 8483 an ADA awareness. 8484 -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984 8485% 8486ADA: 8487 Something you need to know the name of to be an Expert in Computing. 8488 Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA awareness." 8489% 8490ADA, n.: 8491 Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in 8492Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA 8493awareness." 8494% 8495Adde parvum parvo manus acervus erit. 8496[Add little to little and there will be a big pile.] 8497 -- Ovid 8498% 8499Adding features does not necessarily increase 8500functionality -- it just makes the manuals thicker. 8501% 8502Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. 8503 -- F. Brooks, "The Mythical Man-Month" 8504 8505Whenever one person is found adequate to the discharge of a duty by 8506close application thereto, it is worse execute by two persons and 8507scarcely done at all if three or more are employed therein. 8508 -- George Washington, 1732-1799 8509% 8510Adding sound to movies would be like 8511putting lipstick on the Venus de Milo. 8512 -- actress Mary Pickford, 1925 8513% 8514Adhere to your own act, and congratulate yourself if you have done 8515something strange and extravagant, and broken the monotony of a 8516decorous age. 8517 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 8518% 8519Adler's Distinction: 8520 Language is all that separates us from the lower animals, 8521 and from the bureaucrats. 8522% 8523ADMIRATION: 8524 Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. 8525% 8526ADOLESCENCE: 8527 The stage between puberty and adultery. 8528% 8529ADORE: 8530 To venerate expectantly. 8531% 8532ADULT: 8533 One old enough to know better. 8534% 8535Adults die young. 8536% 8537Advancement in position. 8538% 8539Advertisements contain the only 8540truths to be relied on in a newspaper. 8541 -- Thomas Jefferson 8542% 8543Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket. 8544 -- George Orwell 8545% 8546Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human 8547intelligence long enough to get money from it. 8548% 8549Advertising Rule: 8550 In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince the 8551 reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly, 8552 that it is curable. 8553% 8554Advice from an old carpenter: measure twice, saw once. 8555% 8556Advice is a dangerous gift; be cautious about giving and receiving it. 8557% 8558African violet: Such worth is rare 8559Apple blossom: Preference 8560Bachelor's button: Celibacy 8561Bay leaf: I change but in death 8562Camelia: Reflected loveliness 8563Chrysanthemum, red: I love 8564Chrysanthemum, white: Truth 8565Chrysanthemum, other: Slighted love 8566Clover: Be mine 8567Crocus: Abuse not 8568Daffodil: Innocence 8569Forget-me-not: True love 8570Fuchsia: Fast 8571Gardenia: Secret, untold love 8572Honeysuckle: Bonds of love 8573Ivy: Friendship, fidelity, marriage 8574Jasmine: Amiablity, transports of joy, sensuality 8575Leaves (dead): Melancholy 8576Lilac: Youthful innocence 8577Lilly: Purity, sweetness 8578Lilly of the valley: Return of happiness 8579Magnolia: Dignity, perseverance 8580 * An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning. 8581% 8582After 35 years, I have finished a comprehensive study of European 8583comparative law. In Germany, under the law, everything is prohibited, 8584except that which is permitted. In France, under the law, everything 8585is permitted, except that which is prohibited. In the Soviet Union, 8586under the law, everything is prohibited, including that which is 8587permitted. And in Italy, under the law, everything is permitted, 8588especially that which is prohibited. 8589 -- Newton Minow, 8590 Speech to the Association of American Law Schools, 1985 8591% 8592After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out. 8593It was replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life 8594more advanced than the lichen family. 8595 -- Dave Barry 8596% 8597After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn. 8598% 8599After a while you learn the subtle difference 8600Between holding a hand and chaining a soul, 8601And you learn that love doesn't mean security, 8602And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts 8603And presents aren't promises 8604And you begin to accept your defeats 8605With your head up and your eyes open, 8606With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child, 8607And you learn to build all your roads 8608On today because tomorrow's ground 8609Is too uncertain. And futures have 8610A way of falling down in midflight, 8611After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. 8612So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting 8613For someone to bring you flowers. 8614And you learn that you really can endure... 8615That you really are strong, 8616And you really do have worth 8617And you learn and learn 8618With every goodbye you learn. 8619 -- Veronic Shoffstall, "Comes the Dawn" 8620% 8621After all, all he did was string together 8622a lot of old, well-known quotations. 8623 -- H.L. Mencken, on Shakespeare 8624% 8625After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done. 8626% 8627After all, it is only the mediocre who are always at their best. 8628 -- Jean Giraudoux 8629% 8630After all my erstwhile dear, 8631My no longer cherished, 8632Need we say it was not love, 8633Just because it perished? 8634 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay 8635% 8636After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not for 8637you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply 8638sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. 8639 -- P.J. O'Rourke 8640% 8641After an instrument has been assembled, 8642extra components will be found on the bench. 8643% 8644After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the 8645month than you did before. 8646% 8647After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names 8648have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp, 8649James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important 8650electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi Galvani discovered (this 8651is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg 8652of a frog, an electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even 8653though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. 8654Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian 8655medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been 8656seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and 8657watch it hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact 8658that it sinks like a stone. 8659 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 8660% 8661After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from 8662Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, 8663and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon 8664to be created." 8665 "This is true," He replied. 8666 "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly. 8667 "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the 8668right to make his laws?" 8669 "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to make 8670his own." 8671 It was so granted. 8672% 8673After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages, 8674claming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life 8675in a wheelchair. Although the insurance-company doctor testified that his 8676bones had healed properly and that he was fully capable of walking, the 8677judge decided for the plaintiff and awarded him $500,000. 8678 When he was wheeled into the insurance office to collect his check, 8679Miller was confronted by several executives. "You're not getting away with 8680this, Miller," one said. "We're going to watch you day and night. If you 8681take a single step, you'll not only repay the damages but stand trial for 8682perjury. Here's the money. What do you intend to do with it?" 8683 "My wife and I are going to travel," Miller replied. "We'll go to 8684Stockholm, Berlin, Rome, Athens and, finally, to a place called Lourdes -- 8685where, gentlemen, you'll see yourselves one hell of a miracle." 8686% 8687After living in New York, you trust nobody, 8688but you believe everything. Just in case. 8689% 8690...[after the announcement of Vanguard] ... Secretary of Defense Charles 8691Wilson (the same "Engine Charlie" who once told the Senate, "[F]or years 8692I've thought that what was good for our country was good for General Motors, 8693and vice versa," probably an accurate analysis) was asked whether the 8694Russians might beat the Americans into orbit. "I wouldn't care if they 8695did," he responded. (It was later claimed that Wilson favored the 8696development of the automatic transmission so that he could drive with 8697one foot in his mouth.) 8698 -- Smithsonian's Air&Space Magazine, "The Day the Rocket Died" 8699% 8700After the game the king and the pawn go in the same box. 8701 -- Italian proverb 8702% 8703After the ground war began, captured Iraqi soldiers said any of them caught 8704by superiors wearing a white T-shirt would be executed because of the ease 8705with which the shirts could be used as surrender flags. Some Iraqi soldiers 8706carried bleach with them to make their dark shirts white. 8707 -- Chuck Shepherd, Funny Times, May 1991 8708% 8709After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access 8710cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed. 8711% 8712After this was written there appeared a remarkable posthumous memoir that 8713throws some doubt on Millikan's leading role in these experiments. Harvey 8714Fletcher (1884-1981), who was a graduate student at the University of Chicago, 8715at Millikan's suggestion worked on the measurement of electronic charge for 8716his doctoral thesis, and co-authored some of the early papers on this subject 8717with Millikan. Fletcher left a manuscript with a friend with instructions 8718that it be published after his death; the manuscript was published in 8719Physics Today, June 1982, page 43. In it, Fletcher claims that he was the 8720first to do the experiment with oil drops, was the first to measure charges on 8721single droplets, and may have been the first to suggest the use of oil. 8722According to Fletcher, he had expected to be co-authored with Millikan on 8723the crucial first article announcing the measurement of the electronic 8724charge, but was talked out of this by Millikan. 8725 -- Steven Weinberg, "The Discovery of Subatomic Particles" 8726 8727Robert Millikan is generally credited with making the first really 8728precise measurement of the charge on an electron and was awarded the 8729Nobel Prize in 1923. 8730% 8731After two or three weeks of this madness, you begin to feel As One with 8732the man who said, "No news is good news." In twenty-eight papers, only 8733the rarest kind of luck will turn up more than two or three articles of 8734any interest... but even then the interest items are usually buried 8735deep around paragraph 16 on the jump (or "Cont. on ...") page... 8736 8737The Post will have a story about Muskie making a speech in Iowa. The 8738Star will say the same thing, and the Journal will say nothing at all. 8739But the Times might have enough room on the jump page to include a line 8740or so that says something like: "When he finished his speech, Muskie 8741burst into tears and seized his campaign manager by the side of the 8742neck. They grappled briefly, but the struggle was kicked apart by an 8743oriental woman who seemed to be in control." 8744 8745Now that's good journalism. Totally objective; very active and 8746straight to the point. 8747 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72" 8748% 8749After years of research, scientists recently reported that there is, 8750indeed, arroz in Spanish Harlem. 8751% 8752After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER! 8753% 8754AFTERNOON: 8755 That part of the day we spend worrying 8756 about how we wasted the morning. 8757% 8758Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change. 8759% 8760Against Idleness and Mischief 8761 8762How doth the little busy bee How skillfully she builds her cell! 8763Improve each shining hour, How neat she spreads the wax! 8764And gather honey all the day And labours hard to store it well 8765From every opening flower! With the sweet food she makes. 8766 8767In works of labour or of skill In books, or work, or healthful play, 8768I would be busy too; Let my first years be passed, 8769For Satan finds some mischief still That I may give for every day 8770For idle hands to do. Some good account at last. 8771 -- Isaac Watts, 1674-1748 8772% 8773Against stupidity the very gods Themselves contend in vain. 8774 -- Friedrich von Schiller, "The Maid of Orleans", III, 6 8775% 8776Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill. 8777% 8778Age is a tyrant who forbids, 8779at the penalty of life, all the pleasures of youth. 8780% 8781Agnes' Law: 8782 Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of. 8783% 8784Agree with them now, it will save so much time. 8785% 8786Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach, 8787Or what's a heaven for ? 8788 -- Robert Browning, "Andrea del Sarto" 8789% 8790Ah, my friends, from the prison, they ask unto me, 8791"How good, how good does it feel to be free?" 8792And I answer them most mysteriously: 8793"Are birds free from the chains of the sky-way?" 8794 -- Bob Dylan 8795% 8796Ah, sweet Springtime, when a young man lightly turns his fancy over! 8797% 8798Ah, the Tsar's bazaar's bizarre beaux-arts! 8799% 8800Ahead warp factor one, Mr. Sulu. 8801% 8802Ahhhhhh... the smell of cuprinol and mahogany. It 8803excites me to... acts of passion... acts of... ineptitude. 8804% 8805Aide to Raygun: Sir, the poor are outside protesting your budget cuts. 8806Raygun himself: Tell them they'll have to help themselves. 8807Aide to Raygun: Sir, the Pentagon wants another $30 billion. 8808Raygun himself: Tell them to help themselves. 8809% 8810Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star. 8811 -- W. Clement Stone 8812% 8813Ain't no right way to do a wrong thing. 8814 -- The Mad Dogtender 8815% 8816Ain't nothin' an old man can do for me but 8817bring me a message from a young man. 8818 -- Moms Mabley 8819% 8820"Ain't that something what happened today. One of us got traded to 8821Kansas City." 8822 -- Casey Stengel, informing outfielder Bob Cerv he'd 8823 been traded. 8824% 8825AIR: 8826 A nutritious substance supplied by 8827 a bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor. 8828 -- Ambrose Bierce 8829% 8830Air Force Inertia Axiom: 8831 Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness. 8832% 8833Air is water with holes in it. 8834% 8835Air pollution is really making us pay through the nose. 8836% 8837Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value. 8838 -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, 8839 Ecole Superieure de Guerre 8840% 8841Al didn't smile for forty years. You've got to admire a man like that. 8842 -- from "Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman" 8843% 8844Alan Turing thought about criteria to settle the question of whether 8845machines can think, a question of which we now know that it is about 8846as relevant as the question of whether submarines can swim. 8847 -- Dijkstra 8848% 8849Alas, how love can trifle with itself! 8850 -- William Shakespeare, "The Two Gentlemen of Verona" 8851% 8852Alas, I am dying beyond my means. 8853 -- Oscar Wilde [as he sipped champagne on his deathbed] 8854% 8855ALASKA: 8856 A prelude to "No." 8857% 8858Albert Camus wrote that the only serious question is whether to kill yourself 8859or not. Tom Robbins wrote that the only serious question is whether time has 8860a beginning and an end. Camus clearly got up on the wrong side of bed, and 8861Robbins must have forgotten to set the alarm. 8862 -- Tom Robbins 8863% 8864ALBRECHT'S LAW: 8865 Social innovations tend to the level 8866 of minimum tolerable well-being. 8867% 8868Alcohol, hashish, prussic acid, strychnine are weak dilutions. 8869The surest poison is time. 8870 -- Emerson, "Society and Solitude" 8871% 8872Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life. 8873 -- George Bernard Shaw 8874% 8875Alden's Laws: 8876 (1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause 8877 of pregnancy. 8878 (2) Always be backlit. 8879 (3) Sit down whenever possible. 8880% 8881Alden's Laws: 8882 1: Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause 8883 of pregnancy. 8884 2: Always be backlit. 8885 3: Sit down whenever possible. 8886% 8887Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall, 8888Aleph-null bottles of beer, 8889You take one down, and pass it around, 8890Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall. 8891% 8892Alex Haley was adopted! 8893% 8894Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well 8895in New York, and still waiting for a dial tone. 8896% 8897Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that was 8898the closest our country has ever been to being even. 8899 -- The Best of Will Rogers 8900% 8901Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about. 8902 -- Philippe Schnoebelen 8903% 8904Algebraic symbols are used when you don't know what you're talking about. 8905% 8906Algol-60 surely must be regarded as the most 8907important programming language yet developed. 8908 -- T. Cheatham 8909% 8910ALGORITHM: 8911 Trendy dance for hip programmers. 8912% 8913Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth. 8914% 8915Alimony is a system by which, when two people 8916make a mistake, one of them continues to pay for it. 8917 -- Peggy Joyce 8918% 8919Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse. 8920 -- Arthur Baer 8921% 8922Alimony is the curse of the writing classes. 8923 -- Norman Mailer 8924% 8925Alimony is the high cost of leaving. 8926% 8927Aliquid melius quam pessimum optimum non est. 8928% 8929Alive without breath, 8930As cold as death; 8931Never thirsty, ever drinking, 8932All in mail ever clinking. 8933% 8934All a man needs out of life is a place to sit 'n' spit in the fire. 8935% 8936All art is but imitation of nature. 8937 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca 8938% 8939All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous. 8940% 8941All bad precedents began as justifiable measures. 8942 -- Gaius Julius Caesar, quoted in "The Conspiracy of 8943 Catiline", by Sallust 8944% 8945All constants are variables. 8946% 8947All diplomacy is a continuation of war by other means. 8948 -- Chou En Lai 8949% 8950All flesh is grass. 8951 -- Isaiah 8952Smoke a friend today. 8953% 8954All generalizations are false, including this one. 8955 -- Mark Twain 8956% 8957All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, 8958barely presentable. 8959 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" 8960% 8961All Gods were immortal. 8962 -- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts" 8963% 8964All great discoveries are made by mistake. 8965 -- Young 8966% 8967All great ideas are controversial, or have been at one time. 8968% 8969All heiresses are beautiful. 8970 -- John Dryden 8971% 8972All his life he has looked away... to the horizon, to the sky, 8973to the future. Never his mind on where he was, on what he was doing. 8974 -- Yoda 8975% 8976All hope abandon, ye who enter here! 8977 -- Dante Alighieri 8978% 8979All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. 8980% 8981All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard, 8982ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas. 8983 -- Kingfish 8984% 8985All I know is what the words know, and dead things, and that 8986makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and 8987an end, as in the well-built phrase and the long sonata of the dead. 8988 -- Samuel Beckett 8989% 8990All I need to have a good time, 8991Is a reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine. 8992With those three things I don't need no sunshine, 8993A reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine. 8994 8995All I want is to never grow old, 8996I want to wash in a bathtub of gold. 8997I want 97 kilos already rolled, 8998I want to wash in a bathtub of gold. 8999 9000I want to light my cigars with 10 dollar bills, 9001I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills. 9002I want a bottle of Red Eye that's always filled, 9003I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills. 9004 -- Country Joe and the Fish, "Zachariah" 9005% 9006All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power. 9007 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 9008% 9009All intelligent species own cats. 9010% 9011All is fear in love and war. 9012% 9013All is well that ends well. 9014 -- John Heywood 9015% 9016All I've got left on the list of desirable vocations is heiress to the 9017throne of any country in Western Europe and Laurie Anderson. "Be 9018practical", was the choral reply from the dinner table. Well, Laurie 9019Anderson is already Laurie Anderson, but I read an article in Harpers 9020that said there were eleven countries, in the world this is I think, 9021that have queens as sovereign rulers. That's probably my best shot. 9022% 9023All kings is mostly rapscallions. 9024 --Mark Twain 9025% 9026All laws are simulations of reality. 9027 -- John C. Lilly 9028% 9029All life evolves by the differential survival of replicating entities. 9030 -- Dawkins 9031% 9032All men have the right to wait in line. 9033% 9034All men know the utility of useful things; 9035but they do not know the utility of futility. 9036 -- Chuang-tzu 9037% 9038All men profess honesty as long as they can. 9039To believe all men honest would be folly. 9040To believe none so is something worse. 9041 -- John Quincy Adams 9042% 9043All most men really want in life is a wife, a house, two kids and a car, 9044a cat, no maybe a dog. Ummm, scratch one of the kids and add a dog. 9045Definitely a dog. 9046% 9047All most people ask of life is a constant 9048and exaggerated sense of their own importance. 9049% 9050All most people want is a little more than they'll ever get. 9051% 9052All my friends and I are crazy. 9053That's the only thing that keeps us sane. 9054% 9055All my friends are getting married, 9056Yes, they're all growing old, 9057They're all staying home on the weekend, 9058They're all doing what they're told. 9059% 9060All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific. 9061 -- Jane Wagner 9062% 9063ALL NEW: 9064 Parts not interchangeable with previous model. 9065% 9066All newspaper editorial writers ever do is come down from 9067the hills after the battle is over and shoot the wounded. 9068% 9069All of the animals except man know that 9070the principal business of life is to enjoy it. 9071% 9072All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs 9073synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to 9074rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all 9075of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store." 9076 -- Stephen Wright 9077% 9078All of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of a 9079Zen-like detachment, as exemplified by his constant reminder to clerks, 9080tellers, or others who grew excited by his presence in their banks: 9081"Just lie down on the floor and keep calm." 9082 -- Robert Wilson, "John Dillinger Died for You" 9083% 9084All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the 9085parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you 9086can't get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do 9087not use a hammer. 9088 -- IBM maintenance manual, 1925 9089% 9090All people are born alike -- except Republicans and Democrats. 9091 -- Groucho Marx 9092% 9093All phone calls are obscene. 9094 -- Karen Elizabeth Gordon 9095% 9096All possibility of understanding is rooted in the ability to say no. 9097 -- Susan Sontag 9098% 9099All programmers are optimists. Perhaps this modern sorcery especially attracts 9100those who believe in happy endings and fairy godmothers. Perhaps the hundreds 9101of nitty frustrations drive away all but those who habitually focus on the end 9102goal. Perhaps it is merely that computers are young, programmers are younger, 9103and the young are always optimists. But however the selection process works, 9104the result is indisputable: "This time it will surely run," or "I just found 9105the last bug." 9106 -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month" 9107% 9108All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors. 9109% 9110All progress is based upon a universal innate desire of every organism 9111to live beyond its income. 9112 -- Samuel Butler, "Notebooks" 9113% 9114All science is either physics or stamp collecting. 9115 -- Ernest Rutherford 9116% 9117All seems condemned in the long run 9118to approximate a state akin to Gaussian noise. 9119 -- James Martin 9120% 9121All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands. 9122 -- Saint Patrick 9123% 9124All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism. 9125% 9126All that glitters has a high refractive index. 9127% 9128All that glitters is not gold; all that wander are not lost. 9129% 9130All that is gold does not glitter, 9131Not all those who wander are lost; 9132The old that is strong does not wither, 9133Deep roots are not reached by the frost. 9134From the ashes a fire shall be woken, 9135A light from the shadows shall spring; 9136Renewed shall be blade that was broken, 9137The crownless again shall be king. 9138 -- J.R.R. Tolkien 9139% 9140All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too, 9141provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you subscribe 9142to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you can deduct 9143the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S. Supreme Court Chief 9144Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax decision: "Where else are you 9145going to read the paper? Outside? What if it rains?" 9146 -- Dave Barry 9147% 9148All the evidence concerning the universe 9149has not yet been collected, so there's still hope. 9150% 9151All the lines have been written There's been Sandburg, 9152It's sad but it's true Keats, Poe and McKuen 9153With all the words gone, They all had their day 9154What's a young poet to do? And knew what they're doin' 9155 9156But of all the words written The bird is a strange one, 9157And all the lines read, So small and so tender 9158There's one I like most, Its breed still unknown, 9159And by a bird it was said! Not to mention its gender. 9160 9161It reminds me of days of So what is this line 9162Both gloom and of light. Whose author's unknown 9163It still lifts my spirits And still makes me giggle 9164And starts the day right. Even now that I'm grown? 9165 9166I've read all the greats 9167Both starving and fat, 9168But none was as great as 9169"I tot I taw a puddy tat." 9170 -- Etta Stallings, "An Ode To Childhood" 9171% 9172All the men on my staff can type. 9173 -- Bella Abzug 9174% 9175...all the modern inconveniences... 9176 -- Mark Twain 9177% 9178All the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow. 9179 -- Grant Wood 9180% 9181All the simple programs have been written. 9182% 9183All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly. 9184% 9185All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately un-rehearsed. 9186 -- Sean O'Casey 9187% 9188All the world's a VAX, 9189And all the coders merely butchers; 9190They have their exits and their entrails; 9191And one int in his time plays many widths, 9192His sizeof being N bytes. At first the infant, 9193Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms. 9194And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun, 9195And shining morning face, creeping like slug 9196Unwillingly to school. 9197 -- A Very Annoyed PDP-11 9198% 9199All things are possible, except for skiing through a revolving door. 9200% 9201All things being equal, you are bound to lose. 9202% 9203All things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed. 9204 -- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" 9205% 9206All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, 9207it's for fun. Money's just the way we keep score. 9208 -- Henry Tyroon 9209% 9210All true wisdom is found on T-shirts. 9211% 9212All warranty and guarantee clauses 9213become null and void upon payment of invoice. 9214% 9215All we know is the phenomenon: we spend our time sending messages to each 9216other, talking and trying to listen at the same time, exchanging information. 9217This seems to be our most urgent biological function; it is what we do with 9218our lives." 9219 -- Lewis Thomas, "The Lives of a Cell" 9220% 9221All who joy would win Must share it -- 9222Happiness was born a twin. 9223 -- Lord Byron 9224% 9225All your files have been destroyed (sorry). Paul. 9226% 9227Allen's Axiom: 9228 When all else fails, read the instructions. 9229% 9230Alliance, n: 9231 In international politics, the union of two thieves who 9232 have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket 9233 that they cannot safely plunder a third. 9234 -- Ambrose Bierce 9235% 9236All's well that ends. 9237% 9238Almost anything derogatory you could say 9239about today's software design would be accurate. 9240 -- K.E. Iverson 9241% 9242ALONE: 9243 In bad company. 9244% 9245Also, the Scots are said to have invented golf. Then they had 9246to invent Scotch whiskey to take away the pain and frustration. 9247% 9248alta, v: To change; make or become different; modify. 9249ansa, v: A spoken or written reply, as to a question. 9250baa, n: A place people meet to have a few drinks. 9251Baaston, n: The capital of Massachusetts. 9252baaba, n: One whose business is to cut or trim hair or beards. 9253beea, n: An alcoholic beverage brewed from malt and hops, often 9254 found in baas. 9255caaa, n: An automobile. 9256centa, n: A point around which something revolves; axis. (Or 9257 someone involved with the Knicks.) 9258chouda, n: A thick seafood soup, often in a milk base. 9259dada, n: Information, esp. information organized for analysis or 9260 computation. 9261 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary 9262% 9263Although it is still a truism in industry that "no one was ever fired for 9264buying IBM," Bill O'Neil, the chief technology officer at Drexel Burnham 9265Lambert, says he knows for a fact that someone has been fired for just that 9266reason. He knows it because he fired the guy. 9267 "He made a bad decision, and what it came down to was, 'Well, I 9268bought it because I figured it was safe to buy IBM,'" Mr. O'Neil says. 9269"I said, 'No. Wrong. Game over. Next contestant, please.'" 9270 -- The Wall Street Journal, December 6, 1989 9271% 9272Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been 9273reissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the day-to-day 9274life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable interest to outdoor 9275minded readers, as it contains many passages on pheasant-raising, the 9276apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin, and other chores and duties 9277of the professional gamekeeper. Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade 9278through many pages of extraneous material in order to discover and savour 9279those sidelights on the management of a midland shooting estate, and in this 9280reviewer's opinion the book cannot take the place of J.R. Miller's "Practical 9281Gamekeeping." 9282 -- Ed Zern, "Field and Stream", Nov., 1959 9283% 9284Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back. 9285% 9286Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. 9287 -- Mark Twain 9288% 9289Always draw your curves, then plot your reading. 9290% 9291Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out. 9292% 9293Always run from a knife and rush a gun. 9294 -- Jimmy Hoffa 9295% 9296Always store beer in a dark place. 9297% 9298Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits. 9299 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It" 9300% 9301Always there remain portions of our heart 9302into which no one is able to enter, invite them as we may. 9303% 9304Always think of something new; this 9305helps you forget your last rotten idea. 9306 -- Seth Frankel 9307% 9308AMAZING BUT TRUE... 9309 If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to 9310 end across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful. 9311% 9312AMAZING BUT TRUE... 9313 There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it 9314 were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert. 9315% 9316AMBIDEXTROUS: 9317 Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left. 9318% 9319AMBIGUITY: 9320 Telling the truth when you don't mean to. 9321% 9322Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. 9323 -- Charlie McCarthy 9324% 9325Ambition, n: 9326 An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while 9327 living and made ridiculous by friends when dead. 9328 -- Ambrose Bierce 9329% 9330America: born free and taxed to death. 9331% 9332America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up. 9333 -- Oscar Wilde 9334% 9335America, how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood? 9336 -- Allen Ginsberg 9337% 9338America is a melting pot. You know, where those on the bottom get burned, 9339and the scum rises to the top. 9340 -- Utah Phillips 9341% 9342America is a stronger nation for the ACLU's uncompromising effort. 9343 -- President John F. Kennedy 9344 9345The simple rights, the civil liberties from generations of struggle must not 9346be just fine words for patriotic holidays, words we subvert on weekdays, but 9347living, honored rules of conduct amongst us...I'm glad the American Civil 9348Liberties Union gets indignant, and I hope this will always be so. 9349 -- Senator Adlai E. Stevenson 9350 9351The ACLU has stood foursquare against the recurring tides of hysteria that 9352from time to time threaten freedoms everyhere... Indeed, it is difficult 9353to appreciate how far our freedoms might have eroded had it not been for the 9354Union's valiant representation in the courts of the constitutional rights 9355of people of all persuasions, no matter how unpopular or even despised 9356by the majority they were at the time. 9357 -- former Supreme Court Chief Justice Earl Warren 9358% 9359America is the country where you buy a lifetime 9360supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks. 9361% 9362America may be unique in being a country which has leapt 9363from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization. 9364 -- John O'Hara 9365% 9366America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, until 9367people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and changed its 9368name to "America". 9369 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 9370% 9371America works less, when you say "Union Yes!" 9372% 9373American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees 9374be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for employees who 9375are educated enough that they can tell the difference between the men's room 9376and the women's room without having little pictures on the doors. 9377 -- Dave Barry 9378% 9379American by birth; Texan by the grace of God. 9380% 9381American cars are made shoddily... 9382Cars made overseas are far superior. 9383 -- Sen. Barry Goldwater 9384% 9385[Americans] are a race of convicts and ought to be thankful for anything 9386we allow them short of hanging. 9387 -- Samuel Johnson 9388 9389America is a large friendly dog in a small room. Every time it wags its 9390tail it knocks over a chair. 9391 -- Arnold Toynbee 9392 9393The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to 9394everybody and still nobody likes him. 9395 -- Jim Samuels 9396% 9397Americans are people who insist on living in the present, tense. 9398% 9399Americans' greatest fear is that America will turn out 9400to have been a phenomenon, not a civilization. 9401 -- Shirley Hazzard, "Transit of Venus" 9402% 9403America's best buy for a quarter is a telephone call to the right person. 9404% 9405Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it. 9406% 9407AMOEBIT: 9408 Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply 9409 and divide at the same time. 9410% 9411Among all savage beasts, none is found so harmful as woman. 9412 -- St. John Chrysostom, 304-407. 9413% 9414Among the lucky, you are the chosen one. 9415% 9416An acid is like a woman: a good one will eat through your pants. 9417 -- Mel Gibson, Saturday Night Live 9418% 9419An actor's a guy who if you ain't talkin' about him, ain't listening. 9420 -- Marlon Brando 9421% 9422An Ada exception is when a routine gets 9423in trouble and says 'Beam me up, Scotty'. 9424% 9425An adequate bootstrap is a contradiction in terms. 9426% 9427An Aggie farmer was lifting his hogs, one by one, up to the branches of 9428his apple trees to graze on the apples. A Texas student walked by and 9429asked him, "Doesn't that take a lot of time?" 9430 Replied the Aggie, "What's time to a hog?" 9431% 9432An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do. 9433 -- Dylan Thomas 9434% 9435An algorithm must be seen to be believed. 9436 -- D.E. Knuth 9437% 9438An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad 9439to lie and intrigue for the benefit of his country. 9440 -- Sir Henry Wotton, 1568-1639 9441% 9442An amendment to a motion may be amended, but an amendment to an amendment 9443to a motion may not be amended. However, a substitute for an amendment to 9444and amendment to a motion may be adopted and the substitute may be amended. 9445 -- The Montana legislature's contribution to the English 9446 language. 9447% 9448An American is a man with two arms and four wheels. 9449 -- A Chinese child 9450% 9451An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel prize 9452winning physicist, Niels Bohr, in Copenhagen. He was amazed to find that 9453over Bohr's desk was a horseshoe, securely nailed to the wall, with the 9454open end up in the approved manner (so it would catch the good luck and not 9455let it spill out). The American said with a nervous laugh, 9456 "Surely you don't believe the horseshoe will bring you good luck, 9457do you, Professor Bohr? After all, as a scientist --" 9458Bohr chuckled. 9459 "I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am 9460scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told 9461that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not." 9462% 9463An American tourist is visiting Russia, and he's talking with a Russian 9464about the fact that not many people in Russia own cars. 9465 9466American: "I can't believe you don't have cars here! How do you 9467 get to work?" 9468Russian: "We take the bus, or the subway. We have public 9469 transportation everywhere." 9470A: "Well, how do you go on vacations?" 9471R: "We take the train." 9472A: "Well, what if you want to go abroad?" 9473R: "We don't ever want go abroad." 9474A: "Well, what if you really HAVE to go abroad?" 9475R: "We take tanks." 9476% 9477An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize 9478the president but is always polite to traffic cops. 9479% 9480An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New 9481Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not 9482new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax. 9483 -- David Letterman 9484% 9485An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to 9486New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but 9487not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax. 9488 -- David Letterman 9489% 9490An aphorism is never exactly true; 9491it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths. 9492 -- Karl Kraus 9493% 9494An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile -- hoping that it will eat 9495him last. 9496 -- Sir Winston Churchill, 1954 9497% 9498An apple a day makes 365 apples a year. 9499% 9500An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support. 9501% 9502An atom-blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways. 9503 -- Isaac Asimov 9504% 9505An attachment a la Plato 9506for a bashful young potato 9507or a, not too French, french bean 9508must excite your languid spleen. 9509For, if you walk down Picadilly 9510with a poppy or lily 9511in your medieval hand, 9512every one will say, 9513as you walk your flowery way; 9514"If this young man is content, 9515with a vegetable love 9516which would certainly not content me. 9517Why, what a very pure young man 9518this pure young man must be!" 9519 -- W.S. Gilbert, "Patience" 9520 [The subject of the humour is, of course, Oscar Wilde] 9521% 9522An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree 9523murder. "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuff his lover's 9524mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border. 9525Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the 9526suitcase. Now, I would like to stress that my client is *not* a 9527murderer. A sloppy packer, maybe..." 9528% 9529An avocado-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume. 9530% 9531An economist is a man who would marry 9532Farrah Fawcett-Majors for her money. 9533% 9534An editor is one who separates the wheat from the chaff and prints the chaff. 9535 -- Adlai Stevenson 9536% 9537An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible. 9538% 9539An efficient and a successful administration manifests 9540itself equally in small as in great matters. 9541 -- W. Churchill 9542% 9543An egghead is one who stands firmly on both feet, 9544in mid-air, on both sides of an issue. 9545 -- Homer Ferguson 9546% 9547An elderly couple were flying to their Caribbean hideaway on a chartered plane 9548when a terrible storm forced them to land on an uninhabited island. When 9549several days passed without rescue, the couple and their pilot sank into a 9550despondent silence. Finally, the woman asked her husband if he had made his 9551usual pledge to the United Way Campaign. 9552 "We're running out of food and water and you ask *that*?" her husband 9553barked. "If you really need to know, I not only pledged a half million but 9554I've already paid them half of it." 9555 "You owe the U.W.C. a *quarter million*?" the woman exclaimed 9556euphorically. "Don't worry, Harry, they'll find us! They'll find us!" 9557% 9558An elephant is a mouse with an operating system. 9559% 9560An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an 9561anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no doubt 9562already heard. After some observations and rough calculations the 9563engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing. A few minutes later 9564the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself happily as he now 9565has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper. This leaves the 9566mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed right away that he 9567was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite rapidly the presence of 9568humour from similar anecdotes, but considers this anecdote to be too 9569trivial a corollary to be significant, let alone funny. 9570% 9571An engineer is someone who does list processing in FORTRAN. 9572% 9573An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose. 9574 -- A.P. Herbert 9575% 9576An evil mind is a great comfort. 9577% 9578An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch. He wears 9579a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is advertised 9580only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and Rich 9581Protestant Golfer Magazine. The advertisements are written in 9582incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote 9583excellence: 9584 9585"The Rolex Hyperion. An elegant new standard in quality excellence and 9586discriminating handcraftsmanship. For the individual who is truly able 9587to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting 9588things by hand. Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold. No watch 9589parts or anything. Just a great big chunk on your wrist. Truly a 9590timeless statement. For the individual who is very secure. Who 9591doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful. 9592Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high 9593school. Because of his acne. People who are probably nowhere near as 9594successful as he is now. Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and 9595they'll see his Rolex Hyperion. Hahahahahahahahaha." 9596 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 9597% 9598...an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and quite often 9599picturesque liar. 9600 -- Mark Twain 9601% 9602An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made, in a 9603very narrow field. 9604 -- Niels Bohr 9605% 9606An expert is a person who avoids the small errors 9607as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy. 9608 -- Benjamin Stolberg 9609% 9610An expert is one who knows more and more about less 9611and less until he knows absolutely nothing about everything. 9612% 9613An eye in a blue face 9614Saw an eye in a green face. 9615"That eye is like this eye" 9616Said the first eye, 9617"But in low place, 9618Not in high place." 9619% 9620An Hacker there was, one of the finest sort 9621Who controlled the system; graphics was his sport. 9622A manly man, to be a wizard able; 9623Many a protected file he had sitting on his table. 9624His console, when he typed, a man might hear 9625Clicking and feeping wind as clear, 9626Aye, and as loud as does the machine room bell 9627Where my lord Hacker was Prior of the cell. 9628The Rule of good St Savage or St Doeppnor 9629As old and strict he tended to ignore; 9630He let go by the things of yesterday 9631And took the modern world's more spacious way. 9632He did not rate that text as a plucked hen 9633Which says that Hackers are not holy men. 9634And that a hacker underworked is a mere 9635Fish out of water, flapping on the pier. 9636That is to say, a hacker out of his cloister. 9637That was a text he held not worth an oyster. 9638And I agreed and said his views were sound; 9639Was he to study till his head wend round 9640Poring over books in the cloisters? Must he toil 9641As Andy bade and till the very soil? 9642Was he to leave the world upon the shelf? 9643Let Andy have his labor to himself! 9644 -- Chaucer 9645 [well, almost. Ed.] 9646% 9647An honest politician is one who when he is bought will stay bought. 9648 -- Simon Cameron 9649 9650There are honest journalists like there are honest politicians. When 9651bought they stay bought. 9652 -- Bill Moyers 9653% 9654An honest tale speeds best being plainly told. 9655 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 9656% 9657An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it. 9658% 9659An idealist is one who helps the other fellow to make a profit. 9660 -- Henry Ford 9661% 9662An idle mind is worth two in the bush. 9663% 9664An infallible method of concilliating a tiger 9665is to allow oneself to be devoured. 9666 -- Konrad Adenauer 9667% 9668An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself. 9669 -- Albert Camus 9670% 9671An interpretation I satisfies a sentence in the table language if and only if 9672each entry in the table designates the value of the function designated by the 9673function constant in the upper-left corner applied to the objects designated 9674by the corresponding row and column labels. 9675 -- Genesereth & Nilsson, "Logical foundations of Artificial 9676 Intelligence" 9677% 9678An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest. 9679 -- Benjamin Franklin 9680% 9681An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity 9682in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him. 9683 "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if 9684you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like 9685an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an 9686hour seems like a minute." 9687 The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a 9688moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?" 9689 -- Arthur Naiman 9690% 9691An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and 9692great-grandchildren gathered around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of 9693a deeply loved family member. The old man is in a light coma, and the doctors 9694have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four 9695hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes whispers: "I must be dreaming 9696of heaven... I smell my daughter Lisle's strudel." 9697 "No, no, grandfather, you are not dreaming", he is reassured. 9698"Grandmother is baking strudel right now." 9699 A faint smile crosses the old man's face. "Go an get me a sliver of 9700strudel," he says, "she bakes the finest strudel in the world." 9701 One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old 9702man's request, and, after what seems a long time, he returns empty-handed. 9703 "Did you bring me some of Lisle's strudel?", the old man quavers. 9704 "I'm... I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the 9705funeral." 9706% 9707An optimist is a guy that has never had much experience. 9708 -- Don Marquis 9709% 9710An optimist is a man who looks forward to marriage. 9711A pessimist is a married optimist. 9712% 9713An ounce of clear truth is worth a pound of obfuscation. 9714% 9715An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition. 9716 -- Michael Korda 9717% 9718An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest. 9719 -- Spanish proverb 9720% 9721Anarchy may not be a better form of government, 9722but it's better than no government at all. 9723% 9724And all that the Lorax left here in this mess 9725was a small pile of rocks with the one word, "unless." 9726Whatever THAT meant, well, I just couldn't guess. 9727That was long, long ago, and each day since that day, 9728I've worried and worried and worried away. 9729Through the years as my buildings have fallen apart, 9730I've worried about it with all of my heart. 9731 9732"BUT," says the Oncler, "now that you're here, 9733the word of the Lorax seems perfectly clear! 9734UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot, 9735nothing is going to get better - it's not. 9736So... CATCH!" cries the Oncler. He lets something fall. 9737"It's a truffula seed. It's the last one of all! 9738 9739"You're in charge of the last of the truffula seeds. 9740And truffula trees are what everyone needs. 9741Plant a new truffula -- treat it with care. 9742Give it clean water and feed it fresh air. 9743Grow a forest -- protect it from axes that hack. 9744Then the Lorax and all of his friends may come back!" 9745% 9746And as we stand on the edge of darkness 9747Let our chant fill the void 9748That others may know 9749 9750 In the land of the night 9751 The ship of the sun 9752 Is drawn by 9753 The grateful dead. 9754 -- Tibetan "Book of the Dead," ca. 4000 BC. 9755% 9756And Bezel saideth unto Sham: `Sham,' he saideth, `Thou shalt goest 9757unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine 9758bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits, 9759provideth that they are nice and fresh.' 9760 -- Dave Barry 9761% 9762And Bezel saideth unto Sham: "Sham," he saideth, "Thou shalt goest 9763unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine 9764bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits, 9765provideth that they are nice and fresh." 9766 -- Dave Barry, "Getting Religion" 9767% 9768And did those feet, in ancient times, 9769Walk upon England's mountains green? 9770And was the Holy Lamb of God 9771In England's pleasant pastures seen? 9772And did the Countenance Divine 9773Shine forth upon these crowded hills? 9774And was Jerusalem builded here 9775Among these dark satanic mills? 9776 9777Bring me my bow of burning gold! 9778Bring me my arrows of desire! 9779Bring me my spears! O clouds unfold! 9780Bring me my chariot of fire! 9781I shall not cease from mental fight, 9782Nor shall my sword rest in my hand, 9783Till we have built Jerusalem 9784In England's green and pleasant land. 9785 -- William Blake, "Jerusalem" 9786% 9787And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel? 9788% 9789And ever has it been known that 9790love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation. 9791 -- Kahlil Gibran 9792% 9793And he climbed with the lad up the Eiffelberg Tower. "This," cried the Mayor, 9794"is your town's darkest hour! The time for all Whos who have blood that is red 9795to come to the aid of their country!" he said. "We've GOT to make noises in 9796greater amounts! So, open your mouth, lad! For every voice counts!" Thus he 9797spoke as he climbed. When they got to the top, the lad cleared his throat and 9798he shouted out, "YOPP!" 9799 And that Yopp... That one last small, extra Yopp put it over! 9800Finally, at last! From the speck on that clover their voices were heard! 9801They rang out clear and clean. And they elephant smiled. "Do you see what 9802I mean?" They've proved they ARE persons, no matter how small. And their 9803whole world was saved by the smallest of All!" 9804 "How true! Yes, how true," said the big kangaroo. "And, from now 9805on, you know what I'm planning to do? From now on, I'm going to protect 9806them with you!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "ME TOO! From 9807the sun in the summer. From rain when it's fall-ish, I'm going to protect 9808them. No matter how small-ish!" 9809 -- Dr. Seuss "Horton Hears a Who" 9810% 9811And here I wait so patiently 9812Waiting to find out what price 9813You have to pay to get out of 9814Going thru all of these things twice 9815 -- Dylan, "Memphis Blues Again" 9816% 9817And I alone am returned to wag the tail. 9818% 9819And I heard Jeff exclaim, as they strolled out of sight, 9820"Merry Christmas to all -- you take credit cards, right?" 9821% 9822And I suppose the little things are harder to get used to than the big 9823ones. The big ones you get used to, you make up your mind to them. The 9824little things come along unexpectedly, when you aren't thinking about 9825them, aren't braced against them. 9826 -- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "The Forbidden Tower" 9827% 9828And I will do all these good works, and I will do them for free! 9829My only reward will be a tombstone that says "Here lies Gomez 9830Addams -- he was good for nothing." 9831 -- Jack Sharkey, The Addams Family 9832% 9833And if California slides into the ocean, 9834Like the mystics and statistics say it will. 9835I predict this motel will be standing, 9836Until I've paid my bill. 9837 -- Warren Zevon, "Desperados Under the Eaves" 9838% 9839And if sometime, somewhere, someone asketh thee, 9840"Who kilt thee?", tell them it 'twas the Doones of Bagworthy! 9841% 9842And if you wonder, 9843What I am doing, 9844As I am heading for the sink. 9845I am spitting out all the bitterness, 9846Along with half of my last drink. 9847% 9848And in the heartbreak years that lie ahead, 9849Be true to yourself and the Grateful Dead. 9850 -- Joan Baez 9851% 9852And it should be the law: If you use the word `paradigm' without knowing 9853what the dictionary says it means, you go to jail. No exceptions. 9854 -- David Jones 9855% 9856And malt does more than Milton can to justify God's ways to man. 9857 -- A.E. Housman 9858% 9859And miles to go before I sleep. 9860% 9861And now for something completely the same. 9862% 9863And now your toner's toney, Disk blocks aplenty 9864And your paper near pure white, Await your laser drawn lines, 9865The smudges on your soul are gone Your intricate fonts, 9866And your output's clean as light.. Your pictures and signs. 9867 9868We've labored with your father, Your amputative absence 9869The venerable XGP, Has made the Ten dumb, 9870But his slow artistic hand, Without you, Dover, 9871Lacks your clean velocity. We're system untounged- 9872 9873Theses and papers DRAW Plots and TEXage 9874And code in a queue Have been biding their time, 9875Dover, oh Dover, With LISP code and programs, 9876We've been waiting for you. And this crufty rhyme. 9877 9878Dover, oh Dover, Dover, oh Dover, arisen from dead. 9879We welcome you back, Dover, oh Dover, awoken from bed. 9880Though still you may jam, Dover, oh Dover, welcome back to the Lab. 9881You're on the right track. Dover, oh Dover, we've missed your clean 9882 hand... 9883% 9884And on the eighth day, we bulldozed it. 9885% 9886And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode. 9887% 9888...and report cards I was always afraid to show 9889Mama'd come to school 9890and as I'd sit there softly cryin' 9891Teacher'd say he's just not tryin' 9892Got a good head if he'd apply it 9893but you know yourself 9894it's always somewhere else 9895I'd build me a castle 9896with dragons and kings 9897and I'd ride off with them 9898As I stood by my window 9899and looked out on those 9900Brooklyn roads 9901 -- Neil Diamond, "Brooklyn Roads" 9902% 9903And so it was, later, 9904As the miller told his tale, 9905That her face, at first just ghostly, 9906Turned a whiter shade of pale. 9907 -- Procol Harum 9908% 9909And that's the way it is... 9910 -- Walter Cronkite 9911% 9912And the crowd was stilled. One elderly man, wondering at the sudden silence, 9913turned to the Child and asked him to repeat what he had said. Wide-eyed, 9914the Child raised his voice and said once again, "Why, the Emperor has no 9915clothes! He is naked!" 9916 -- "The Emperor's New Clothes" 9917% 9918And the French medical anatomist Etienne Serres really did argue that 9919black males are primitive because the distance between their navel and 9920penis remains small (relative to body height) throughout life, while 9921white children begin with a small separation but increase it during 9922growth -- the rising belly button as a mark of progress. 9923 -- S.J. Gould, "Racism and Recapitulation" 9924% 9925And the silence came surging softly backwards 9926When the plunging hooves were gone... 9927 -- Walter de La Mare, "The Listeners" 9928% 9929And they shall beat their swords into plowshares, for if you hit a man 9930with a plowshare, he's going to know he's been hit. 9931% 9932And this is a table ma'am. What in essence it consists of is a horizontal 9933rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical columnar supports, 9934which we call legs. The tables in this laboratory, ma'am, are as advanced 9935in design as one will find anywhere in the world. 9936 -- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men" 9937% 9938And this is good old Boston, 9939The home of the bean and the cod, 9940Where the Lowells talk only to Cabots, 9941And the Cabots talk only to God. 9942% 9943And tomorrow will be like today, only more so. 9944 -- Isaiah 56:12, New Standard Version 9945% 9946And we heard him exclaim 9947As he started to roam: 9948"I'm a hologram, kids, 9949please don't try this at home!'" 9950 -- Bob Violence 9951% 9952And what accomplished villains these old engineers were! What diabolical 9953ways to sabotage they found! Nikolai Karlovich von Meck, of the People's 9954Comissariat of Railroads ... would hold forth for hours on end about the 9955economic problems involved in the construction of socialism, and he loved to 9956give advice. One such pernicious piece of advice was to increase the size 9957of freight trains and not worry about heavier than average loads. The GPU 9958exposed van Meck, and he was shot: his objective had been to wear out rails 9959and roadbeds, freight cars and locomotives, so as to leave the Republic 9960without railroads in case of foreign military intervention! When, not long 9961afterward, the new People's Commissar of Railroads ordered that average 9962loads should be increased, and even doubled and tripled them, the malicious 9963engineers who protested became known as limiters ... they were rightly 9964shot for their lack of faith in the possibilities of socialist transport. 9965 -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago" 9966% 9967And... What in the world ever became of Sweet Jane? 9968 She's lost her sparkle, you see she isn't the same. 9969 Livin' on reds, vitamin C, and cocaine 9970 All a friend can say is "Ain't it a shame?" 9971 -- The Grateful Dead 9972% 9973And yet I should have dearly liked, I own, to have touched her lips; to 9974have questioned her, that she might have opened them; to have looked upon 9975the lashes of her downcast eyes, and never raised a blush; to have let 9976loose waves of hair, an inch of which would be a keepsake beyond price: 9977in short, I should have liked, I do confess, to have had the lightest 9978license of a child, and yet been man enough to know its value. 9979 -- Charles Dickens 9980% 9981And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have a 9982sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks tragedy, 9983and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets tragedy face to 9984face, we have politics. 9985 -- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland, "Root Crops and 9986 Ground Cover" 9987% 9988And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have 9989a sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks 9990tragedy, and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets 9991tragedy face to face, we have politics. 9992 -- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland, 9993 "Root Crops and Ground Cover" 9994% 9995And you can't get any Watney's Red Barrel, 9996because the bars close every time you're thirsty... 9997% 9998"And, you know, I mustn't preach to you, but surely it wouldn't be right for 9999you to take away people's pleasure of studying your attire, by just going 10000and making yourself like everybody else. You feel that, don't you?" said 10001he, earnestly. 10002 -- William Morris, "Notes from Nowhere" 10003% 10004Andrea's Admonition: 10005 Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you. 10006 If you think his window is closed and he can't hear you, 10007 it isn't and he can. 10008% 10009ANDROPHOBIA: 10010 Fear of men. 10011% 10012Anger is momentary madness. 10013 -- Horace 10014% 10015Anger kills as surely as the other vices. 10016% 10017Animals can be driven crazy by putting too many in too small a pen. 10018Homo sapiens is the only animal that voluntarily does this to himself. 10019 -- Lazarus Long 10020% 10021Ankh if you love Isis. 10022% 10023Announcing the NEW VAX 11/782!! 10024 10025Be the envy of other major Communist Governments! 10026 10027Defend yourself against the entire ICBM force of the imperialist USA with 10028just one of the processors, at the same time you're designing missile IC's, 10029cracking secret NATO codes and editing propaganda for your own people all 10030at the same time with the other! (Well, you really can't, but the Americans 10031think you can, and that's the point, right?) 10032% 10033ANOINT: 10034 To grease a king or other great 10035 functionary already sufficiently slippery. 10036% 10037Another day, another dollar. 10038 -- Vincent J. Fuller, defense lawyer for John Hinckley, 10039 upon Hinckley's acquittal for shooting President Ronald 10040 Reagan. 10041% 10042Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree. 10043% 10044Another megabytes the dust. 10045% 10046Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but 10047television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and 10048world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers 10049whiter teeth *and* fresher breath. 10050 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly" 10051% 10052Another such victory over the Romans, and we are undone. 10053 -- Pyrrhus 10054% 10055Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit. 10056 -- Proverbs, 26:5 10057% 10058Anthony's Law of the Workshop: 10059 Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible 10060 corner of the workshop. 10061 10062Corollary: 10063 On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike 10064 your toes. 10065% 10066Antique fairy tale: Little Red Riding Hood. 10067Modern fairy tale: Oswald, acting alone, shot Kennedy. 10068% 10069Anti-trust laws should be approached with exactly that attitude. 10070% 10071Antonio Antonio 10072Was tired of living alonio 10073He thought he would woo Antonio Antonio 10074Miss Lucamy Lu, Rode of on his polo ponio 10075Miss Lucamy Lucy Molonio. And found the maid 10076 In a bowery shade, 10077 Sitting and knitting alonio. 10078Antonio Antonio 10079Said if you will be my ownio 10080I'll love tou true Oh nonio Antonio 10081And buy for you You're far too bleak and bonio 10082An icery creamry conio. And all that I wish 10083 You singular fish 10084 Is that you will quickly begonio. 10085Antonio Antonio 10086Uttered a dismal moanio 10087And went off and hid 10088Or I'm told that he did 10089In the Antartical Zonio. 10090% 10091ANTONYM: 10092 The opposite of the word you're trying to think of. 10093% 10094Anxious after the delay, Gruber doesn't waste any time getting the Koenig 10095[a modified Porsche] up to speed, and almost immediately we are blowing off 10096Alfas, Fiats, and Lancias full of excited Italians. These people love fast 10097cars. But they love sport too and no passing encounter goes unchallenged. 10098Nothing serious, just two wheels into your lane as you're bearing down on 10099them at 130-plus -- to see if you're paying attention. 10100 -- Road & Track article about driving two absurdly fast 10101 cars across Europe. 10102% 10103Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts 10104which are unobtainable, and three parts which are still under development. 10105% 10106Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art. 10107 -- Charles McCabe 10108% 10109Any coward can sit in his home and criticize a pilot for flying into a 10110mountain in a fog. But I would rather, by far, die on a mountainside 10111than in bed. What kind of man would live where there is no daring? 10112And is life so dear that we should blame men for dying in adventure? 10113Is there a better way to die? 10114 -- Charles Lindbergh 10115% 10116Any excuse will serve a tyrant. 10117 -- Aesop 10118% 10119Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that this 10120country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a whole week. 10121% 10122Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a 10123wise person to be able to sell it. 10124% 10125Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of sense to know 10126how to lie well. 10127 -- Samuel Butler 10128% 10129Any girl can be glamorous; all you have to do is stand still and look 10130stupid. 10131 -- Hedy Lamarr 10132% 10133Any given program, when running, is obsolete. 10134% 10135Any given program will expand to fill available memory. 10136% 10137Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche -- 10138a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance, my 10139grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off the 10140fence." I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was undoubtedly 10141true. 10142 -- Solomon Short 10143% 10144Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner. 10145% 10146Any man can work when every stroke of his hand brings down the fruit 10147rattling from the tree to the ground; but to labor in season and out 10148of season, under every discouragement, by the power of truth -- that 10149requires a heroism which is transcendent. 10150 -- Henry Ward Beecher 10151% 10152Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad. 10153 -- Leo Rosten, on W.C. Fields 10154% 10155Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be 10156liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall 10157be deemed to be a cat. 10158 -- Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London 10159% 10160"Any news from the President on a successor?" he asked hopefully. 10161"None," Anita replied. "She's having great difficulty finding someone 10162qualified who is willing to accept the post." 10163 "Then I stay," said Dr. Fresh. "I'm not good for much, but I 10164can at least make a decision." 10165 "Somewhere," he grumphed, "there must be a naive, opportunistic 10166young welp with a masochistic streak who would like to run the most 10167up-and-down bureaucracy in the history of mankind." 10168 -- R.L. Forward, "Flight of the Dragonfly" 10169% 10170Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there. 10171 -- Sydney Harris 10172% 10173Any president should have the right to shoot 10174at least two people a year without explanation. 10175 -- Herbert Hoover, discussing the press 10176% 10177Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent. 10178 -- Lazarus Long 10179% 10180Any program which runs right is obsolete. 10181% 10182Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used. 10183% 10184Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere. Climb the mountain 10185just a little to test it's a mountain. From the top of the mountain, you 10186cannot see the mountain. 10187 -- Bene Gesserit proverb 10188% 10189Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere. 10190Climb the mountain just a little to test it's a mountain. 10191From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain. 10192 -- Bene Gesserit proverb, "Dune" 10193% 10194Any small object that is accidentally 10195dropped will hide under a larger object. 10196% 10197Any sufficiently advanced bug becomes a feature. 10198% 10199Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo. 10200% 10201Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. 10202 -- Arthur Clarke 10203% 10204Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours. 10205 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. 10206% 10207Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. 10208% 10209Anybody has a right to evade taxes if he can get away with it. No citizen 10210has a moral obligation to assist in maintaining his government. 10211 -- J.P. Morgan 10212% 10213Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years 10214organising and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office. 10215 -- David Broder 10216% 10217Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the 10218sight of a police car is probably parked. 10219% 10220Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire. 10221% 10222Anyone can become angry -- that is easy; but to be angry with the right 10223person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose 10224and in the right way -- that is not easy. 10225 -- Aristotle 10226% 10227Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is 10228supposed to be doing. 10229% 10230Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm. 10231 -- Publilius Syrus 10232% 10233"Anyone can say 'no'. It is the first word a child learns and often the 10234first word he speaks. It is a cheap word because it requires no 10235explanation, and many men and women have acquired a reputation for 10236intelligence who know only this word and have used it in place of 10237thought on every occasion." 10238 -- Chuck Jones (Warner Bros. animation director.) 10239% 10240Anyone stupid enough to be caught by the police is probably guilty. 10241% 10242Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. 10243At best he is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, 10244bathe and not make messes in the house. 10245 -- Lazarus Long 10246% 10247Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat. 10248 -- R. Heinlein 10249% 10250Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. 10251 -- Samuel Goldwyn 10252% 10253Anyone who has attended a USENIX conference in a fancy hotel can tell you 10254that a sentence like "You're one of those computer people, aren't you?" 10255is roughly equivalent to "Look, another amazingly mobile form of slime 10256mold!" in the mouth of a hotel cocktail waitress. 10257 -- Elizabeth Zwicky 10258% 10259Anyone who has had a bull by the tail 10260knows five or six more things than someone who hasn't. 10261 -- Mark Twain 10262% 10263Anyone who imagines that all fruits ripen at the same time 10264as the strawberries, knows nothing about grapes. 10265 -- Philippus Paracelsus 10266% 10267Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President 10268should on no account be allowed to do the job. 10269 -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy 10270% 10271Anyone who knows history, particularly the history of Europe, will, I think, 10272recognize that the domination of education or of government by any one 10273particular religious faith is never a happy arrangement for the people. 10274 -- Eleanor Roosevelt 10275% 10276Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. 10277 -- Groucho Marx 10278% 10279Anything anybody can say about America is true. 10280 -- Emmett Grogan 10281% 10282Anything cut to length will be too short. 10283% 10284Anything free is worth what you'll pay for it. 10285% 10286Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate. 10287% 10288Anything is good if it's made of chocolate. 10289% 10290Anything is possible on paper. 10291 -- Ron McAfee 10292% 10293Anything is possible, unless it's not. 10294% 10295Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. 10296The label means the price went up. 10297The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW" 10298means the price went way up. 10299% 10300Anything that is worth doing has been done frequently. Things hitherto 10301undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth. 10302 -- Max Beerbohm, "Mainly on the Air" 10303% 10304Anything worth doing is worth overdoing. 10305% 10306Anytime things appear to be going better, you've overlooked something. 10307% 10308Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this 10309big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around -- 10310nobody big, I mean -- except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy 10311cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go 10312over the cliff -- I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're 10313going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I'd do 10314all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye. I know it; I know it's crazy, 10315but that's the only thing I'd really like to be. I know it's crazy. 10316 -- J.D. Salinger, "Catcher in the Rye" 10317% 10318Apathy Club meeting this Friday. 10319If you want to come, you're not invited. 10320% 10321APHASIA: 10322 Loss of speech in social scientists when asked 10323 at parties, "But of what use is your research?" 10324% 10325aphorism, n.: 10326 A concise, clever statement. 10327afterism, n.: 10328 A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late. 10329 -- James Alexander Thom 10330% 10331APL hackers do it in the quad. 10332% 10333APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of the 10334future for the programming techniques of the past: it creates a new generation 10335of coding bums. 10336 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 10337% 10338APL is a natural extension of assembler language programming; 10339...and is best for educational purposes. 10340 -- A. Perlis 10341% 10342APL is a write-only language. I can write programs 10343in APL, but I can't read any of them. 10344 -- Roy Keir 10345% 10346Appearances often are deceiving. 10347 -- Aesop 10348% 10349APPENDIX: 10350 A portion of a book, for which nobody yet has discovered any use. 10351% 10352Applause, n: 10353 The echo of a platitude from the mouth of a fool. 10354 -- Ambrose Bierce 10355% 10356April is the cruellest month... 10357 -- Thomas Stearns Eliot 10358% 10359AQUADEXTROUS: 10360 Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub 10361 faucet on and off with your toes. 10362 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 10363% 10364aquadextrous, adj.: 10365 Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off 10366with your toes. 10367 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 10368% 10369AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) 10370 You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. 10371 You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be 10372 careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over 10373 and over again. People think you are stupid. 10374% 10375AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18) 10376 A friend will step forward and confide in you about your breath. Rely 10377 on your outgoing personality and winning smile to get you into a lot 10378 of trouble. Be relaxed, things will change. Look for a pink slip on 10379 payday. Stop wetting your bed. 10380% 10381AQUARIUS (Jan.20 - Feb.18) 10382 You are the type of person who never has enough money to do what 10383 you want. Don't expect things to get any better today, either. 10384 As a matter of fact they might get worse. Intensify your 10385 relationship with your bank and any friends you have who might be 10386 able to lend you a few bucks. 10387% 10388Aquavit is also considered useful for medicinal purposes, an essential 10389ingredient in what I was once told is the Norwegian cure for the common 10390cold. You get a bottle, a poster bed, and the brightest colored stocking 10391cap you can find. You put the cap on the post at the foot of the bed, 10392then get into bed and drink aquavit until you can't see the cap. I've 10393never tried this, but it sounds as though it should work. 10394 -- Peter Nelson 10395% 10396Are we not men? 10397% 10398Are we running light with overbyte? 10399% 10400Are Women Human? 10401In the year 584, in Lyon, France, 43 Catholic bishops and 20 men 10402representing other bishops, after a lengthy debate, took a vote. 10403The results were 32 yes, 31 no. Women were declared human by one 10404vote. 10405% 10406Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to 10407say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... 10408 10409 Are you sure you're telling the truth? Think hard. 10410 Does it make you happy to know you're sending me to an early grave? 10411 If all your friends jumped off the cliff, would you jump too? 10412 Do you feel bad? How do you think I feel? 10413 Aren't you ashamed of yourself? 10414 Don't you know any better? 10415 How could you be so stupid? 10416 If that's the worst pain you'll ever feel, you should be thankful. 10417 You can't fool me. I know what you're thinking. 10418 If you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all. 10419% 10420Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to 10421say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... 10422 10423 Do as I say, not as I do. 10424 Do me a favour and don't tell me about it. I don't want to know. 10425 What did you do *this* time? 10426 If it didn't taste bad, it wouldn't be good for you. 10427 When I was your age... 10428 I won't love you if you keep doing that. 10429 Think of all the starving children in India. 10430 If there's one thing I hate, it's a liar. 10431 I'm going to kill you. 10432 Way to go, clumsy. 10433 If you don't like it, you can lump it. 10434% 10435Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to 10436say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... 10437 10438 Go away. You bother me. 10439 Why? Because life is unfair. 10440 That's a nice drawing. What is it? 10441 Children should be seen and not heard. 10442 You'll be the death of me. 10443 You'll understand when you're older. 10444 Because. 10445 Wipe that smile off your face. 10446 I don't believe you. 10447 How many times have I told you to be careful? 10448 Just beacuse. 10449% 10450Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to 10451say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... 10452 10453 Good children always obey. 10454 Quit acting so childish. 10455 Boys don't cry. 10456 If you keep making faces, someday it'll freeze that way. 10457 Why do you have to know so much? 10458 This hurts me more than it hurts you. 10459 Why? Because I'm bigger than you. 10460 Well, you've ruined everything. Now are you happy? 10461 Oh, grow up. 10462 I'm only doing this because I love you. 10463% 10464Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to 10465say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... 10466 10467 When are you going to grow up? 10468 I'm only doing this for your own good. 10469 Why are you crying? Stop crying, or I'll give you something to 10470 cry about. 10471 What's wrong with you? 10472 Someday you'll thank me for this. 10473 You'd lose your head if it weren't attached. 10474 Don't you have any sense at all? 10475 If you keep sucking your thumb, it'll fall off. 10476 Why? Because I said so. 10477 I hope you have a kid just like yourself. 10478% 10479Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to 10480say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... 10481 10482 You wouldn't understand. 10483 You ask too many questions. 10484 In order to be a man, you have to learn to follow orders. 10485 That's for me to know and you to find out. 10486 Don't let those bullies push you around. Go in there and stick 10487 up for yourself. 10488 You're acting too big for your britches. 10489 Well, you broke it. Now are you satisfied? 10490 Wait till your father gets home. 10491 Bored? If you're bored, I've got some chores for you. 10492 Shape up or ship out. 10493% 10494Are you making all this up as you go along? 10495% 10496"Are you police officers?" 10497"No, ma'am. We're musicians." 10498 -- The Blues Brothers 10499% 10500Are you sure the back door is locked? 10501% 10502"Are you sure you're not an encyclopedia salesman?" 10503"No, Ma'am. Just a burglar, come to ransack the flat." 10504% 10505"Are you sure you're not an encyclopedia salesman?" 10506No, Ma'am. Just a burglar, come to ransack the flat." 10507 -- Monty Python 10508% 10509Are your glasses mended with a strip of masking tape right over your nose? 10510Do you put pennies in the slots in your penny loafers? 10511Does your bow-tie flash "hey you kid" in red neon at parties? 10512Do you think pizza before noon is unhealthy? 10513Do you use the "greasy kid's stuff" to stick down your cowlick? 10514Do you wear a "nerd-pack" in your shirt pocket to keep the dozen 10515 or so pencils from marking the cloth? 10516Do you think Mary Jane is somebody's name? 10517Is illegal fishing is something only a daring criminal would do? 10518Is Batman your hero? Superman? Green Lantern? The Shadow? 10519Do you think girls who kiss on the first date are loose? 10520 10521 Rate yourself on the nerd-o-matic scale. (1 point for each YES answer) 105220-2 -- You are really hip, a real cool cat, a hoopy frood. 105233-5 -- There is hope for you yet. 105246-7 -- Uh-oh, trouble in River City. 105258-10 -- Your immortal soul is in peril. 1052611+ -- Does suicide seem attractive? 10527% 10528Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours. 10529 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul 10530% 10531Arguments are extremely vulgar, for everyone 10532in good society holds exactly the same opinion. 10533 -- O. Wilde 10534% 10535Arguments with furniture are rarely productive. 10536% 10537ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19) 10538 You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are 10539 quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not 10540 very nice. 10541% 10542ARIES (Mar.21 - Apr.19) 10543 You are a wonderfully interesting, honest, hard-working person 10544 and you should make many new friends, but you won't because you've 10545 got a mean streak in you a mile wide. 10546% 10547ARITHMETIC: 10548 An obscure art no longer practiced in 10549 the world's developed countries. 10550% 10551Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes. 10552 -- Mickey Mouse 10553% 10554ARMADILLO: 10555 To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle. 10556% 10557Armenians and Azerbaijanis in Stepanakert, capital of the Nagorno-Karabakh 10558autonomous region, rioted over much needed spelling reform in the Soviet 10559Union. 10560 -- P.J. O'Rourke 10561% 10562Armor's Axiom: 10563 Virtue is the failure to achieve vice. 10564% 10565Armstrong's Collection Law: 10566 If the check is truly in the mail, 10567 it is surely made out to someone else. 10568% 10569Arnold's Addendum: 10570 Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats. 10571% 10572Arnold's Laws of Documentation: 10573 1.) If it should exist, it doesn't. 10574 2.) If it does exist, it's out of date. 10575 3.) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the 10576 first two laws. 10577% 10578Around the turn of this century, a composer named Camille Saint-Saens wrote 10579a satirical zoological-fantasy called "Le Carnaval des Animaux." Aside from 10580one movement of this piece, "The Swan", Saint-Saens didn't allow this work 10581to be published or even performed until a year had elapsed after his death. 10582(He died in 1921.) 10583 Most of us know the "Swan" movement rather well, with its smooth, 10584flowing cello melody against a calm background; but I've been having this 10585fantasy... 10586 What if he had written this piece with lyrics, as a song to be sung? 10587And, further, what if he had accompanied this song with a musical saw? (This 10588instrument really does exist, often played by percussionists!) Then the 10589piece would be better known as: 10590 SAINT-SAENS' SAW SONG "SWAN"! 10591% 10592Arrakis teaches the attitude of the knife - chopping off what's 10593incomplete and saying: "Now it's complete because it's ended here." 10594 -- Muad'dib, "Dune" 10595% 10596Art is a jealous mistress. 10597 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 10598% 10599Art is a lie which makes us realize the truth. 10600 -- Picasso 10601% 10602Art is anything you can get away with. 10603 -- Marshall McLuhan. 10604% 10605Art is Nature speeded up and God slowed down. 10606 -- Chazal 10607% 10608Art is the tree of life. Science is the tree of death. 10609% 10610Arthur's Laws of Love: 10611 1. People to whom you are attracted invariably think you 10612 remind them of someone else. 10613 2. The love letter you finally got the courage to send will 10614 be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool 10615 of yourself in person. 10616% 10617Article the Third: 10618 Where a crime of the kidneys has been committed, the accused should 10619 enjoy the right to a speedy diaper change. Public announcements and 10620 guided tours of the aforementioned are not necessary. 10621Article the Fourth: 10622 The decision to eat strained lamb or not should be with the "feedee" 10623 and not the "feeder". Blowing the strained lamb into the feeder's 10624 face should be accepted as an opinion, not as a declaration of war. 10625Article the Fifth: 10626 Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize, whether it be in church, 10627 a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours when the 10628 lights are out. They have not yet learned that joy and laughter have 10629 to last a lifetime and must be conserved. 10630 -- Erma Bombeck, "A Baby's Bill of Rights" 10631% 10632Artificial intelligence has the same relation to intelligence as 10633artificial flowers have to flowers. 10634 -- David Parnas 10635% 10636Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum. 10637% 10638As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing. 10639% 10640As a professional humorist, I often get letters from readers who are 10641interested in the basic nature of humor. "What kind of a sick perverted 10642disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask, "that you make 10643jokes about setting fire to a goat?" 10644 -- Dave Barry 10645% 10646As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and I 10647thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist. 10648This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls. 10649 -- M. Cartmill 10650% 10651As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and 10652I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist. 10653This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls. 10654 -- Matt Cartmill 10655% 10656As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, 10657and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a 10658scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls. 10659 -- M. Cartmill 10660% 10661As an Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are sitting in a pub, quaffing 10662a few, three flies buzz down from the ceiling and lazily circle each drinker. 10663Suddenly "buzzzzzzzzplooop", each fly does a kamakazi dive into a different 10664glass. 10665 The Englishman take a disgusted look at his pint, dips the fly out 10666with a spoon, flicks the fly over his shoulder, and drains the glass. 10667 The Aussie notices the fly as he puts the glass to his lips. With 10668a quick puff he blows the bug out in a cloud of foam, and tosses the beer 10669down in one gulp. 10670 Then, as they both look on, awestruck, the Scotsman gently grasps the 10671fly by its wings, lifts it out of his brew and shakes it off. Then, in a 10672firm voice he speaks to the fly: "There y'are now laddie, safe and sound. 10673NOW SPIT IT OOOOT!" 10674% 10675As crazy as hauling timber into the woods. 10676 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 10677% 10678As failures go, attempting to recall the past is like trying to grasp 10679the meaning of existence. Both make one feel like a baby clutching at 10680a basketball: one's palms keep sliding off. 10681 -- Joseph Brodsky 10682% 10683As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; 10684and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. 10685 -- Einstein 10686% 10687As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. 10688 -- Weisert 10689% 10690As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport. 10691 -- Shakespeare, "King Lear" 10692% 10693As for the women, though we scorn and flout 'em, 10694We may live with, but cannot live without 'em. 10695 -- Frederic Reynolds 10696% 10697As Gen. de Gaulle occassionally acknowledges America to be the daughter 10698of Europe, so I am pleased to come to Yale, the daughter of Harvard. 10699 -- J.F. Kennedy 10700% 10701As goatherd learns his trade by goat, so writer learns his trade by wrote. 10702% 10703As he had feared, his orders had been forgotten and everyone had brought 10704the potato salad. 10705% 10706As I argued in "Beloved Son", a book about my son Brian and the subject of 10707religious communes and cults, one result of proper early instruction in the 10708methods of rational thought will be to make sudden mindless conversions -- 10709to anything -- less likely. Brian now realizes this and has, after eleven 10710years, left the sect he was associated with. The problem is that once the 10711untrained mind has made a formal commitment to a religious philosophy -- 10712and it does not matter whether that philosophy is generally reasonable and 10713high-minded or utterly bizarre and irrational -- the powers of reason are 10714suprisingly ineffective in changing the believer's mind. 10715 -- Steve Allen 10716% 10717As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very 10718pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!! 10719 -- Jack Handey 10720% 10721As I thought, no better from this side. 10722 -- Eeyore 10723% 10724As I was going up Punch Card Hill, 10725 Feeling worse and worser, 10726There I met a C.R.T. 10727 And it drop't me a cursor. 10728 10729C.R.T., C.R.T., 10730 Phosphors light on you! 10731If I had fifty hours a day 10732 I'd spend them all at you. 10733 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes 10734% 10735As I was passing Project MAC, 10736I met a Quux with seven hacks. 10737Every hack had seven bugs; 10738Every bug had seven manifestations; 10739Every manifestation had seven symptoms. 10740Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks, 10741How many losses at Project MAC? 10742% 10743As I was walking down the street one dark and dreary day, 10744I came upon a billboard and much to my dismay, 10745The words were torn and tattered, 10746From the storm the night before, 10747The wind and rain had done its work and this is how it goes, 10748 10749Smoke Coca-Cola cigarettes, chew Wrigleys Spearmint beer, 10750Ken-L-Ration dog food makes your complexion clear, 10751Simonize your baby in a Hershey candy bar, 10752And Texaco's a beauty cream that's used by every star. 10753 10754Take your next vacation in a brand new Frigedaire, 10755Learn to play the piano in your winter underwear, 10756Doctors say that babies should smoke until they're three, 10757And people over sixty-five should bathe in Lipton tea. 10758% 10759As in certain cults it is possible to 10760kill a process if you know its true name. 10761 -- Ken Thompson and Dennis M. Ritchie 10762% 10763As in Protestant Europe, by contrast, where sects divided endlessly into 10764smaller competing sects and no church dominated any other, all is different 10765in the fragmented world of IBM. That realm is now a chaos of conflicting 10766norms and standards that not even IBM can hope to control. You can buy a 10767computer that works like an IBM machine but contains nothing made or sold by 10768IBM itself. Renegades from IBM constantly set up rival firms and establish 10769standards of their own. When IBM recently abandoned some of its original 10770standards and decreed new ones, many of its rivals declared a puritan 10771allegiance to IBM's original faith, and denounced the company as a divisive 10772innovator. Still, the IBM world is united by its distrust of icons and 10773imagery. IBM's screens are designed for language, not pictures. Graven 10774images may be tolerated by the luxurious cults, but the true IBM faith relies 10775on the austerity of the word. 10776 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988 10777% 10778As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great 10779industries are secure. We hear about constitutional rights, free speech 10780and the free press. Every time I hear these words I say to myself, "That 10781man is a Red, that man is a Communist". You never hear a real American 10782talk like that. 10783 -- Frank Hague, 1896-1956 10784% 10785As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong? 10786% 10787As long as there are ill-defined goals, bizarre bugs, and unrealistic 10788schedules, there will be Real Programmers willing to jump in and Solve 10789The Problem, saving the documentation for later. 10790% 10791As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination. 10792When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular. 10793 -- Oscar Wilde, "Intentions" 10794% 10795As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality. 10796One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly 10797useful and interesting, I just had to share it. 10798 10799Answer each of the following items "true" or "false" 10800 10801 1. I salivate at the sight of mittens. 10802 2. If I go into the street, I'm apt to be bitten by a horse. 10803 3. Some people never look at me. 10804 4. Spinach makes me feel alone. 10805 5. My sex life is A-okay. 10806 6. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit. 10807 7. I like to kill mosquitoes. 10808 8. Cousins are not to be trusted. 10809 9. It makes me embarrassed to fall down. 1081010. I get nauseous from too much roller skating. 1081111. I think most people would cry to gain a point. 1081212. I cannot read or write. 1081313. I am bored by thoughts of death. 1081414. I become homicidal when people try to reason with me. 1081515. I would enjoy the work of a chicken flicker. 1081616. I am never startled by a fish. 1081717. My mother's uncle was a good man. 1081818. I don't like it when somebody is rotten. 1081919. People who break the law are wise guys. 1082020. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend. 10821% 10822As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality. 10823One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly 10824useful and interesting, I just had to share it. 10825 10826Answer each of the following items "true" or "false" 10827 10828 1. I think beavers work too hard. 10829 2. I use shoe polish to excess. 10830 3. God is love. 10831 4. I like mannish children. 10832 5. I have always been diturbed by the sight of Lincoln's ears. 10833 6. I always let people get ahead of me at swimming pools. 10834 7. Most of the time I go to sleep without saying goodbye. 10835 8. I am not afraid of picking up door knobs. 10836 9. I believe I smell as good as most people. 1083710. Frantic screams make me nervous. 1083811. It's hard for me to say the right thing when I find myself in a room 10839 full of mice. 1084012. I would never tell my nickname in a crisis. 1084113. A wide necktie is a sign of disease. 1084214. As a child I was deprived of licorice. 1084315. I would never shake hands with a gardener. 1084416. My eyes are always cold. 1084517. Cousins are not to be trusted. 1084618. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit. 1084719. I am never startled by a fish. 1084820. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend. 10849% 10850As me an' me marrer was readin' a tyape, 10851The tyape gave a shriek mark an' tried tae escyape; 10852It skipped ower the gyate tae the end of the field, 10853An' jigged oot the room wi' a spool an' a reel! 10854Follow the leader, Johnny me laddie, 10855Follow it through, me canny lad O; 10856Follow the transport, Johnny me laddie, 10857Away, lad, lie away, canny lad O! 10858 -- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 10859% 10860As of next Thursday, UNIX will be flushed in favor of TOPS-10. 10861Please update your programs. 10862% 10863As of next Tuesday, C will be flushed in favor of COBOL. 10864Please update your programs. 10865% 10866As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code. 10867% 10868As part of an ongoing effort to keep you, the Fortune reader, abreast of 10869the valuable information the daily crosses the USENET, Fortune presents: 10870 10871News articles that answer *your* questions, #1: 10872 10873 Newsgroups: comp.sources.d 10874 Subject: how do I run C code received from sources 10875 Keywords: C sources 10876 Distribution: na 10877 10878 I do not know how to run the C programs that are posted in the 10879 sources newsgroup. I save the files, edit them to remove the 10880 headers, and change the mode so that they are executable, but I 10881 cannot get them to run. (I have never written a C program before.) 10882 10883 Must they be compiled? With what compiler? How do I do this? If 10884 I compile them, is an object code file generated or must I generate 10885 it explicitly with the > character? Is there something else that 10886 must be done? 10887% 10888As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 programs; 10889a process that traditionally requires some debugging. 10890 -- USA Today, referring to the Internal Revenue Service 10891 conversion to a new computer system. 10892% 10893As some day it may happen that a victim must be found 10894I've got a little list -- I've got a little list 10895Of society offenders who might well be underground 10896And who never would be missed -- who never would be missed. 10897 -- Koko, "The Mikado" 10898% 10899As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn't 10900as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be 10901discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large 10902part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in 10903my own programs. 10904 -- Maurice Wilkes, designer of EDSAC, on programming, 1949 10905% 10906As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably 10907because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. 10908 -- Woody Allen 10909% 10910As the system comes up, the component builders will from time to time appear, 10911bearing hot new versions of their pieces -- faster, smaller, more complete, 10912or putatively less buggy. The replacement of a working component by a new 10913version requires the same systematic testing procedure that adding a new 10914component does, although it should require less time, for more complete and 10915efficient test cases will usually be available. 10916 -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month" 10917% 10918As to Jesus of Nazareth... I think the system of Morals and his Religion, 10919as he left them to us, the best the World ever saw or is likely to see; 10920but I apprehend it has received various corrupting Changes, and I have, 10921with most of the present Dissenters in England, some doubts as to his 10922divinity. 10923 -- Benjamin Franklin 10924% 10925As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay. 10926 -- Miguel de Cervantes 10927% 10928As Will Rogers would have said, 10929"There is no such things as a free variable." 10930% 10931As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple memory 10932aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time to order 10933chocolate dishes: Any month whose name contains the letter A, E, or U is the 10934proper time for chocolate. 10935 -- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion" 10936% 10937As you grow older, you will still do foolish things, 10938but you will do them with much more enthusiasm. 10939 -- The Cowboy 10940% 10941As you will see, I told them, in no uncertain terms, to see Figure one. 10942 -- Dave "First Strike" Pare 10943% 10944As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself." 10945% 10946ASCII: 10947 The control code for all beginning programmers and those who would 10948 become computer literate. Etymologically, the term has come down as 10949 a contraction of the often-repeated phrase "ascii and you shall 10950 receive." 10951 -- Robb Russon 10952% 10953ASCII a stupid question, you get an EBCDIC answer. 10954% 10955ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS. 10956% 10957Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, 10958If God won't have you, the devil must. 10959% 10960Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if 10961one went to Harvard). 10962 -- Edgar R. Fiedler 10963% 10964Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you 10965will pay only the station-to-station rate. 10966 -- Howard Kandel 10967% 10968Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls... 10969if thou art in the bathtub, it tolls for thee. 10970% 10971Ask not what's inside your head, but what your head's inside of. 10972 -- J.J. Gibson 10973% 10974Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so. 10975 -- John Stuart Mill 10976% 10977Asked how she felt being the first woman to make a major-league team, she 10978said, "Like a pig in mud," or words to that effect, and then turned and 10979released a squirt of tobacco juice from the wad of rum soaked plug in her 10980right cheek. She chewed a rare brand of plug called Stuff It, which she 10981learned to chew when she was playing Nicaraguan summer ball. She told the 10982writers, "They were so mean to me down there you couldn't write it in your 10983newspaper. I took a gun everywhere I went, even to bed. *Especially* to 10984bed. Guys were after me like you can't believe. That's when I started 10985chewing tobacco -- because no matter how bad anybody treats you, it's not 10986as bad as this. This is the worst chew in the world. After this, 10987everything else is peaches and cream." The writers elected Gentleman Jim, 10988the Sparrow's P.R. guy, to bite off a chunk and tell them how it tasted, 10989and as he sat and chewed it tears ran down his old sunburnt cheeks and he 10990couldn't talk for a while. Then he whispered, "You've been chewing this for 10991two years? God, I had no idea it was so hard to be a woman." 10992 -- Garrison Keillor 10993% 10994Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a 10995lamp-post how it feels about dogs. 10996 -- Christopher Hampton 10997% 10998Assembly language experience is [important] for the maturity 10999and understanding of how computers work that it provides. 11000 -- D. Gries 11001% 11002Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve. Run 11003with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be strengthened. Keep 11004the company of bums and you will become a bum. Hang around with rich people 11005and you will end by picking up the check and dying broke. 11006 -- Stanley Walker 11007% 11008Astrology... just a bunch of Taurus. 11009% 11010Asynchronous inputs are at the root of our race problems. 11011 -- D. Winker and F. Prosser 11012% 11013At about 2500 A.D., humankind discovers a computer problem that *must* be 11014solved. The only difficulty is that the problem is NP complete and will 11015take thousands of years even with the latest optical biologic technology 11016available. The best computer scientists sit down to think up some solution. 11017In great dismay, one of the C.S. people tells her husband about it. There 11018is only one solution, he says. Remember physics 103, Modern Physics, general 11019relativity and all. She replies, "What does that have to do with solving 11020a computer problem?" 11021 "Remember the twin paradox?" 11022 After a few minutes, she says, "I could put the computer on a very 11023fast machine and the computer would have just a few minutes to calculate but 11024that is the exact opposite of what we want... Of course! Leave the 11025computer here, and accelerate the earth!" 11026 The problem was so important that they did exactly that. When 11027the earth came back, they were presented with the answer: 11028 11029 IEH032 Error in JOB Control Card. 11030% 11031At ebb tide I wrote a line upon the sand, and gave it all my heart and all 11032my soul. At flood tide I returned to read what I had inscribed and found my 11033ignorance upon the shore. 11034 -- Kahlil Gibran 11035% 11036At first sight, the idea of any rules or principles being superimposed on 11037the creative mind seems more likely to hinder than to help, but this is 11038quite untrue in practice. Disciplined thinking focuses inspiration rather 11039than blinkers it. 11040 -- G.L. Glegg, "The Design of Design" 11041% 11042At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, 11043a managerial challenge roughly comparable to herding cats. 11044 -- "The Washington Post Magazine", June 9, 1985 11045% 11046At last I've found the girl of my dreams. Last night she said to me, 11047"Once more, Strange, and this time *I'll* be Donnie and *you* be Marie. 11048 -- Strange de Jim 11049% 11050At least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand. 11051 -- J.B. White 11052% 11053At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his 11054thumb with a hammer. 11055 -- Marshall Lumsden 11056% 11057At once it struck me what quality went to form a man of achievement, 11058especially in literature, and which Shakespeare possessed so enormously 11059-- I mean negative capability, that is, when a man is capable of being 11060in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching 11061after fact and reason. 11062 -- John Keats 11063% 11064At social gatherings, I would amuse everyone by standing uponst the 11065coffee table and striking meself repeatedly upon the head with a brick. 11066 -- H.R. Gumby 11067% 11068At the end of your life there'll be a good rest, 11069and no further activities are scheduled. 11070% 11071At the foot of the mountain, thunder: 11072The image of Providing Nourishment. 11073Thus the superior man is careful of his words 11074And temperate in eating and drinking. 11075% 11076At the heart of science is an essential tension between two seemingly 11077contradictory attitudes -- an openness to new ideas, no matter how bizarre 11078or counterintuitive they may be, and the most ruthless skeptical scrutiny 11079of all ideas, old and new. This is how deep truths are winnowed from deep 11080nonsense. Of course, scientists make mistakes in trying to understand the 11081world, but there is a built-in error-correcting mechanism: The collective 11082enterprise of creative thinking and skeptical thinking together keeps the 11083field on track. 11084 -- Carl Sagan, "The Fine Art of Baloney Detection" 11085% 11086At the hospital, a doctor is training an intern on how to announce bad news 11087to the patients. The doctor tells the intern "This man in 305 is going to 11088die in six months. Go in and tell him." The intern boldly walks into the 11089room, over to the man's bedisde and tells him "Seems like you're gonna die!" 11090The man has a heart attack and is rushed into surgery on the spot. The doctor 11091grabs the intern and screams at him, "What!?!? are you some kind of moron? 11092You've got to take it easy, work your way up to the subject. Now this man in 11093213 has about a week to live. Go in and tell him, but, gently, you hear me, 11094gently!" 11095 The intern goes softly into the room, humming to himself, cheerily 11096opens the drapes to let the sun in, walks over to the man's bedside, fluffs 11097his pillow and wishes him a "Good morning!" "Wonderful day, no? Say... 11098guess who's going to die soon!" 11099% 11100At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find 11101at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer. 11102% 11103At these prices, I lose money -- but I make it up in volume. 11104 -- Peter G. Alaquon 11105% 11106At times discretion should be thrown aside, 11107and with the foolish we should play the fool. 11108 -- Menander 11109% 11110At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the 11111number of pens that person is carrying. 11112% 11113Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 11114% 11115ATLANTA: 11116 An entire city surrounded by an airport. 11117% 11118Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason. 11119 -- Winston Churchill 11120% 11121Attorney General Edwin Meese III explained why the Supreme Court's Miranda 11122decision (holding that subjects have a right to remain silent and have a 11123lawyer present during questioning) is unnecessary: "You don't have many 11124suspects who are innocent of a crime. That's contradictory. If a person 11125is innocent of a crime, then he is not a suspect." 11126 -- U.S. News and World Report, 10/14/85 11127% 11128AUCTION: 11129 A gyp off the old block. 11130% 11131Audacity, and again, audacity, and always audacity. 11132 -- G.J. Danton 11133% 11134audophile, n: 11135 Someone who listens to the equipment instead of the music. 11136% 11137Auribus teneo lupum. 11138[I hold a wolf by the ears.] 11139% 11140AUTHENTIC: 11141 Indubitably true, in somebody's opinion. 11142% 11143Authors are easy to get on with -- if you're fond of children. 11144 -- Michael Joseph, "Observer" 11145% 11146AUTOMOBILE: 11147 A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians. 11148% 11149Avec! 11150% 11151Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance. 11152% 11153Avoid cliches like the plague. 11154They're a dime a dozen. 11155% 11156Avoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight. 11157% 11158Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep. 11159% 11160Avoid reality at all costs. 11161% 11162Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but 11163we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you. 11164 -- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student 11165% 11166Avoid strange women and temporary variables. 11167% 11168Awash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining 11169ear and felt the presence of somebody else behind him, which caused terror 11170to push through his nervous system like a flash flood roaring down the 11171mid-fork of the Feather River before the completion of the Oroville Dam 11172in 1959. 11173 -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton 11174 bad fiction contest. 11175% 11176[Babe] Ruth made a big mistake when he gave up pitching. 11177 -- Tris Speaker, 1921 11178% 11179BACCHUS: 11180 A convenient deity invented by the ancients 11181 as an excuse for getting drunk. 11182% 11183BACHELOR: 11184 A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free. 11185% 11186BACHELOR: 11187 A man who chases women and never Mrs. one. 11188% 11189Back in '80 or '81 the workers were rioting in Gdansk and there were fears 11190that the Soviets would invade Poland to put down the demonstrations. Foreign 11191correspondents were curious as to just what the Poles would do if they were 11192invaded. They asked, "What will you do if the East Germans invade from the 11193West and the Soviets invade from the East? Who will you fight first?" 11194 To which the Poles replied, "Why, we will fight the Germans first. 11195Business before pleasure." 11196% 11197Back in the early 60's, touch tone phones only had 10 buttons. Some 11198military versions had 16, while the 12 button jobs were used only by people 11199who had "diva" (digital inquiry, voice answerback) systems -- mainly banks. 11200Since in those days, only Western Electric made "data sets" (modems) the 11201problems of terminology were all Bell System. We used to struggle with 11202written descriptions of dial pads that were unfamiliar to most people 11203(most phones were rotary then.) Partly in jest, some AT&T engineering 11204types (there was no marketing in the good old days, which is why they were 11205the good old days) made up the term "octalthorpe" (note spelling) to denote 11206the "pound sign." Presumably because it has 8 points sticking out. It 11207never really caught on. 11208% 11209Back when I was a boy, it was 40 miles to everywhere, 11210uphill both ways and it was always snowing. 11211% 11212Back when I was a boy, it was 40 miles to everywhere, uphill both ways 11213and it was always snowing. 11214% 11215BACKWARD CONDITIONING: 11216 Putting saliva in a dog's mouth in an attempt to make a bell ring. 11217% 11218Bacons not the only thing that's cured by hanging from a string. 11219% 11220BAD CRAZINESS, MAN!!! 11221% 11222Bad men live that they may eat and drink, 11223whereas good men eat and drink that they may live. 11224 -- Socrates 11225% 11226Bagdikian's Observation: 11227 Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper 11228 is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a ukelele. 11229% 11230Bahdges? We don't need no stinkin' bahdges! 11231 -- "The Treasure of Sierra Madre" 11232% 11233Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry: 11234 A block grant is a solid mass of money 11235 surrounded on all sides by governors. 11236% 11237BALLISTOPHOBIA: 11238 Fear of bullets; 11239OTOPHOBIA: 11240 Fear of opening one's eyes. 11241PECCATOPHOBIA: 11242 Fear of sinning. 11243TAPHEPHOBIA: 11244 Fear of being buried alive. 11245SITOPHOBIA: 11246 Fear of food. 11247TRICHOPHOBIA: 11248 Fear of hair. 11249VESTIPHOBIA: 11250 Fear of clothing. 11251% 11252BALTIMORE: 11253 A wharf-rat stealing Diogenes' lamp. 11254% 11255Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare. 11256% 11257Banacek's Eighteenth Polish Proverb: 11258 The hippo has no sting, but the wise 11259 man would rather be sat upon by the bee. 11260% 11261Bank error in your favor. Collect $200. 11262% 11263Barach's Rule: 11264 An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician. 11265% 11266Barbara's Rules of Bitter Experience: 11267 (1) When you empty a drawer for his clothes 11268 and a shelf for his toiletries, the relationship ends. 11269 (2) When you finally buy pretty stationary 11270 to continue the correspondence, he stops writing. 11271% 11272Barker's Proof: 11273 Proofreading is more effective after publication. 11274% 11275BAROMETER: 11276 An ingenious instrument which indicates 11277 what kind of weather we are having. 11278% 11279Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers. 11280 -- Tom Lehrer 11281% 11282Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game -- it, and high taxes. 11283 -- Will Rogers 11284% 11285Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game - it, and high taxes. 11286 -- The Best of Will Rogers 11287% 11288Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think 11289Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 11290 11291 (1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 11292 (2) Advising the President. 11293 (3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin. 11294 -- David Letterman 11295% 11296BASIC: 11297 A programming language. Related to certain social diseases 11298 in that those who have it will not admit it in polite company. 11299% 11300Basic Definitions of Science: 11301 If it's green or wiggles, it's biology. 11302 If it stinks, it's chemistry. 11303 If it doesn't work, it's physics. 11304% 11305Basic is a high level languish. 11306% 11307BASIC is to computer programming as QWERTY is to typing. 11308 -- Seymour Papert 11309% 11310Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd 11311come in and sink my boats. 11312 -- Woody Allen 11313% 11314Batteries not included. 11315% 11316Battle, n: 11317 A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that 11318 will not yield to the tongue. 11319 -- Ambrose Bierce 11320% 11321Be a better psychiatrist and the world 11322will beat a psychopath to your door. 11323% 11324BE A LOOF! (There has been a recent population explosion of lerts.) 11325% 11326BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts...) 11327% 11328Be both a speaker of words and a doer of deeds. 11329 -- Homer 11330% 11331Be careful! Is it classified? 11332% 11333Be careful! UGLY strikes 9 out of 10! 11334% 11335Be careful how you get yourself involved with persons or 11336situations that can't bear inspection. 11337% 11338Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint. 11339 -- Mark Twain 11340% 11341Be careful what you set your heart on -- for it will surely be yours. 11342 -- James Baldwin, "Nobody Knows My Name" 11343% 11344Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom. 11345% 11346Be careful when you bite into your hamburger. 11347 -- Derek Bok 11348% 11349Be cautious in your daily affairs. 11350% 11351Be cheerful while you are alive. 11352 -- Phathotep, 24th Century B.C. 11353% 11354Be circumspect in your liaisons with women. It is better 11355to be seen at the opera with a man than at mass with a woman. 11356 -- De Maintenon 11357% 11358Be different: conform. 11359% 11360Be frank and explicit with your lawyer ... it is his business to confuse 11361the issue afterwards. 11362% 11363Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! 11364Things won't get any better so get used to it. 11365% 11366Be incomprehensible. If they can't understand, they can't disagree. 11367% 11368Be independent. 11369Insult a rich relative today. 11370% 11371Be it our wealth, our jobs, or even our homes; 11372nothing is safe while the legislature is in session. 11373% 11374Be nice to people on the way up, because you'll meet them on your way down. 11375 -- Wilson Mizner 11376% 11377Be not anxious about what you have, but about what you are. 11378 -- Pope St. Gregory I 11379% 11380Be open to other people -- they may enrich your dream. 11381% 11382Be prepared to accept sacrifices. 11383Vestal virgins aren't all that bad. 11384% 11385Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent 11386and original in your work. 11387 -- Flaubert 11388% 11389Be security conscious -- National Defense is at stake. 11390% 11391Be self-reliant and your success is assured. 11392% 11393Be sociable. 11394Speak to the person next to you in the unemployment line tomorrow. 11395% 11396Be sure to evaluate the bird-hand/bush ratio. 11397% 11398Be valiant, but not too venturous. 11399Let thy attire be comely, but not costly. 11400 -- John Lyly 11401% 11402Beam me up, Scotty! 11403% 11404Beam me up, Scotty! It ate my phaser! 11405% 11406Beam me up, Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here! 11407% 11408Beat your son every day; you may not know why, but he will. 11409% 11410BEAUTY: 11411 What's in your eye when you have a bee in your hand. 11412% 11413Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life. 11414% 11415Beauty, brains, availability, personality; pick any two. 11416% 11417Beauty is one of the rare things which does not lead to doubt of God. 11418 -- Jean Anouilh 11419% 11420Beauty is truth, truth beauty, that is all 11421Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know. 11422 -- John Keats 11423% 11424Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone. 11425 -- Redd Foxx 11426% 11427Because I do, 11428Because I do not hope, 11429Because I do not hope to survive 11430Injustice from the Palace, death from the air, 11431Because I do, only do, 11432I continue... 11433 -- T.S. Pynchon 11434% 11435Because the wine remembers. 11436% 11437Because we don't think about future generations, 11438they will never forget us. 11439 -- Henrik Tikkanen 11440% 11441Been through hell? 11442What did you bring back for me? 11443% 11444Been Transferred Lately? 11445% 11446Beer -- it's not just for breakfast anymore. 11447% 11448Beer & Pretzels -- Breakfast of Champions. 11449% 11450Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more. 11451 -- Addison H. Hallock 11452% 11453Before destruction a man's heart is 11454haughty, but humility goes before honour. 11455 -- Psalms 18:12 11456% 11457...before I could come to any conclusion it occurred to me that my speech 11458or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility. What 11459did it matter what anyone knew or ignored? What did it matter who was 11460manager? One gets sometimes such a flash of insight. The essentials of 11461this affair lay deep under the surface, beyond my reach, and beyond my 11462power of meddling. 11463 -- Joseph Conrad 11464% 11465Before I knew the best part of my life had come, it had gone. 11466% 11467Before marriage the three little words are "I love you," after marriage 11468they are "Let's eat out." 11469% 11470Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego. 11471% 11472Before you ask more questions, think about whether 11473you really want to know the answers. 11474 -- Gene Wolfe, "The Claw of the Conciliator" 11475% 11476Beggar to well-dressed businessman: 11477 "Could you spare $20.95 for a fifth of Chivas?" 11478% 11479Beggars should be no choosers. 11480 -- John Heywood 11481% 11482Behind every argument is someone's ignorance. 11483% 11484Behind every great computer sits a skinny little geek. 11485% 11486Behind every successful man you'll find a woman with nothing to wear. 11487% 11488Behold the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket" -- which 11489is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but 11490the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and -- watch that 11491basket!" 11492 -- Mark Twain 11493% 11494Behold the unborn foetus and 11495 Weep salt tears crocodilian; 11496All life is sacred (save, of course, 11497 An enemy civilian). 11498% 11499Behold the warranty -- the bold print 11500giveth and the fine print taketh away. 11501% 11502Being a mime means never having to say you're sorry. 11503% 11504Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and 11505stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very 11506opposite applies with the judges. 11507 -- Beyond the Fringe 11508% 11509Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade, 11510since it consists principally of dealings with men. 11511 -- Conrad 11512% 11513Being asked solicitously about the state of her health was becoming bothersome 11514to the pregnant woman at the cocktail party. And yet another guest went over 11515and inquired, "Well, how are you feeling these days?" 11516 "Not too well," said the expectant mother. "You know, I've missed 11517seven or eight periods now and it's beginning to worry me." 11518% 11519Being frustrated is disagreeable, but the real 11520disasters in life begin when you get what you want. 11521% 11522Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart 11523enough to understand the game and dumb enough to think it's important. 11524 -- Eugene McCarthy 11525% 11526Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the 11527Boy Scouts have adult supervision. 11528 -- Blake Clark 11529% 11530Being owned by someone used to be called 11531slavery -- now it's called commitment. 11532% 11533Being popular is important. Otherwise people might not like you. 11534% 11535Being stoned on marijuana isn't very 11536different from being stoned on gin. 11537 -- Ralph Nader 11538% 11539Being the #2 man in the Justice Department under Ed Meese is akin to 11540standing next to a lamp post infested with pigeons. 11541 -- unamed Justice Department official 11542% 11543Being ugly isn't illegal. Yet. 11544% 11545belief, n: 11546 Something you do not believe. 11547% 11548Believe everything you hear about the world; nothing is too 11549impossibly bad. 11550 -- Honore DeBalzac 11551% 11552Bell Labs Unix - Reach out and grep someone. 11553% 11554Ben, why didn't you tell me? 11555 -- Luke Skywalker 11556% 11557Bennett's Laws of Horticulture: 11558 (1) Houses are for people to live in. 11559 (2) Gardens are for plants to live in. 11560 (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant. 11561% 11562Benson's Dogma: 11563 ASCII is our god, and Unix is his profit. 11564% 11565Bernard Shaw is an excellent man; he has not an enemy in the world, and 11566none of his friends like him either. 11567 -- Oscar Wilde 11568% 11569Bernard was a young eighty-three, not a gomer, and able to talk. He'd been 11570transferred from MBH (Man's Best Hospital), the House's Rival. Founded in 11571Colonial times by the WASPs, the insemination fo MBH by non-WASPs had taken 11572place only mid-twentieth century with the token multidextrous Oriental 11573surgeon, and finally, with the token red-hot internal-medicine Jew. Yet, 11574MBH was still Brooks Brothers, while the House was still the Garment District. 11575For Jews at MBH the password was "Dress British, Think Yiddish." It was 11576rare to get a TURF from the MBH to the House, and the Fat Man was curious: 11577"Bernard, you went to the MBH, they did a great work-up, and you told them, 11578after they got done, you wanted to be transferred here. Why?" 11579 "I rilly don't know," said Bernard. 11580 "Was it the doctors there? The doctors you didn't like?" 11581 "The doctus? Nah, the doctus I can't complain." 11582 "The test or the room?" 11583 "The tests or the room? Vell, nah, about them I can't complain." 11584 "The nurses? The food?" asked Fats, but Bernard shook his head no. 11585Fats laughed and said, "Listen , Bernie, you went to the MBH, they did this 11586great workup, and when I asked you shy you came to the House of God, all you 11587tell me is, 'Nah, I can't complain.' So why did you come here? Why, Bernie, 11588why?" 11589 "Vhy I come heah? Vell, said Bernie, "Heah I can complain." 11590 -- House of God 11591% 11592Bershere's Formula for Failure: 11593 There are only two kinds of people who fail: those who 11594 listen to nobody... and those who listen to everybody. 11595% 11596Besides the device, the box should contain: 11597 * Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING" 11598 * A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two 11599 club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns. 11600 11601YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable. 11602 11603IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your spouse 11604and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car that can get 11605all the way through the drive-through at Burger King without a major 11606transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's why." 11607 11608WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret. 11609 -- Dave Barry 11610% 11611Best Beer: A panel of tasters assembled by the Consumer's Union in 1969 11612judged Coors and Miller's High Life to be among the very best. Those who 11613doubt that beer is a serious subject might ponder its effect on American 11614history. For example, New England's first colonists decided to drop anchor 11615at Plymouth Rock instead of continuing on to Virginia because, as one of 11616them put it, "We could not now take time for further consideration, our 11617victuals being spent and especially our beer." 11618 -- Felton & Fowler's Best, Worst & Most Unusual 11619% 11620Best Mistakes In Films 11621 In his "Filgoer's Companion", Mr. Leslie Halliwell helpfully lists 11622four of the cinema's greatest moments which you should get to see if at all 11623possible. 11624 In "Carmen Jones", the camera tracks with Dorothy Dandridge down a 11625street; and the entire film crew is reflected in the shop window. 11626 In "The Wrong Box", the roofs of Victorian London are emblazoned 11627with television aerials. 11628 In "Decameron Nights", Louis Jourdain stands on the deck of his 11629fourteenth century pirate ship; and a white lorry trundles down the hill 11630in the background. 11631 In "Viking Queen", set in the times of Boadicea, a wrist watch is 11632clearly visible on one of the leading characters. 11633 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 11634% 11635Best of all is never to have been born. 11636Second best is to die soon. 11637% 11638beta test, v: 11639 To voluntarily entrust one's data, one's livelihood and one's 11640 sanity to hardware or software intended to destroy all three. 11641 In earlier days, virgins were often selected to beta test volcanos. 11642% 11643Better by far you should forget and 11644smile than that you should remember and be sad. 11645 -- Christina Rossetti 11646% 11647Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come 11648around while you have your life in such a mess. 11649% 11650Better hope you get what you want before you stop wanting it. 11651% 11652Better late than never. 11653 -- Titus Livius (Livy) 11654% 11655Better living a beggar than buried an emperor. 11656% 11657Better the prince of some inferior court, 11658Than second, or less, in beatific light. 11659 -- Lucifer, Joost van den Vondel's "Lucifer" 11660% 11661Better to be nouveau than never to have been riche at all. 11662% 11663Better to light one candle than to curse the darkness. 11664 -- motto of the Christopher Society 11665% 11666Better to use medicines at the outset than at the last moment. 11667% 11668Better tried by twelve than carried by six. 11669 -- Jeff Cooper 11670% 11671Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson Bay, 11672left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. Using a 11673bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and great effort 11674pushing boulders into a single word. 11675 It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow. 11676Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin 11677equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the 11678destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass both 11679Parliament and Party. 11680 It stands today, a monument to human spirit. If life exists on other 11681planets, this may be the first message received from us. 11682 -- The Realist, November, 1964. 11683% 11684Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree. 11685% 11686Between infinite and short there is a big difference. 11687 -- G.H. Gonnet 11688% 11689Between the idea 11690And the reality 11691Between the motion 11692And the act 11693Falls the Shadow 11694 -- T.S. Eliot, "The Hollow Man" 11695 11696 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 11697 referring to system service dispatching.] 11698% 11699BEWARE! People acting under the influence of human nature. 11700% 11701Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie. 11702% 11703Beware of a tall black man with one blond shoe. 11704% 11705Beware of a tall blond man with one black shoe. 11706% 11707Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather 11708a new wearer of clothes. 11709 -- Henry David Thoreau 11710% 11711Beware of Bigfoot! 11712% 11713Beware of bugs in the above code; 11714I have only proved it correct, not tried it. 11715 -- D. Knuth 11716% 11717Beware of friends who are false and deceitful. 11718% 11719Beware of geeks bearing graft. 11720% 11721Beware of low-flying butterflies. 11722% 11723Beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The 11724danger already exists that the mathematicians have made covenant with 11725the devil to darken the spirit and to confine man in the bonds of hell. 11726 -- St. Augustine 11727% 11728Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers. 11729 -- Leonard Brandwein 11730% 11731Beware of strong drink. It can make you 11732shoot at tax collectors -- and miss. 11733 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love" 11734% 11735Beware of the man who knows the answer before he understands the question. 11736% 11737"Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds 11738himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full of murderous 11739resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their 11740ignorance the hard way." 11741 -- Vonnegut 11742% 11743Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything 11744is possible but nothing of interest is easy. 11745% 11746Beware the new TTY code! 11747% 11748Beware the one behind you. 11749% 11750bi, n: 11751 When *everybody* thinks you're a pervert. 11752% 11753Bierman's Laws of Contracts: 11754 (1) In any given document, you can't cover all the "what if's". 11755 (2) Lawyers stay in business resolving all the unresolved "what if's". 11756 (3) Every resolved "what if" creates two unresolved "what if's". 11757% 11758Big book, big bore. 11759 -- Callimachus 11760% 11761Big M, Little M, many mumbling mice 11762Are making midnight music in the moonlight, 11763Mighty nice! 11764% 11765Bigamy is having one spouse too many. Monogamy is the same. 11766% 11767Biggest security gap -- an open mouth. 11768% 11769Bilbo's First Law: 11770 You cannot count friends that are all packed up in barrels. 11771% 11772Bill Dickey is learning me his experience. 11773 -- Yogi Berra in his rookie season. 11774% 11775Billy: Mom, you know that vase you said was handed down from 11776 generation to generation? 11777Mom: Yes? 11778Billy: Well, this generation dropped it. 11779% 11780Bingo, gas station, hamburger with a side order of airplane noise, 11781and you'll be Gary, Indiana. 11782 -- Jessie, "Greaser's Palace" 11783% 11784Bing's Rule: 11785 Don't try to stem the tide -- move the beach. 11786% 11787Biology grows on you. 11788% 11789Biology is the only science in which 11790multiplication means the same thing as division. 11791% 11792Birds and bees have as much to do with the facts of life as black 11793nightgowns do with keeping warm. 11794 -- Hester Mundis, "Powermom" 11795% 11796Birds are entangled by their feet and men by their tongues. 11797% 11798birth, n: 11799 The first and direst of all disasters. 11800 -- Ambrose Bierce 11801% 11802Birthdays are like busses, never the number you want. 11803% 11804Bistromathics is simply a revolutionary new way of understanding the 11805behavior of numbers. Just as Einstein observed that space was not an 11806absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in space, and that 11807time was not an absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in 11808time, so it is now realized that numbers are not absolute, but depend 11809on the observer's movement in restaurants. 11810 -- Douglas Adams 11811% 11812bit, n: 11813 A unit of measure applied to color. Twenty-four-bit color 11814 refers to expensive $3 color as opposed to the cheaper 25 11815 cent, or two-bit, color that use to be available a few years 11816 ago. 11817% 11818Bit off more than my mind could chew, 11819Shower or suicide, what do I do? 11820 -- Julie Brown, "Will I Make it Through the Eighties?" 11821% 11822Biz is better. 11823% 11824Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic. 11825% 11826Black people have never rioted. A riot is what white people think blacks 11827are involved in when they burn stores. 11828 -- Julius Lester 11829% 11830Black shiny mollies and bright colored guppies, 11831Shy little angels as gentle as puppies, 11832Swimming and diving with scarcely a swish, 11833They were just some of my tropical fish. 11834 11835Then I got mantas that sting in the water, 11836Deadly piranhas that itch for a slaughter, 11837Savage male betas that bite with a squish, 11838Now I have many less tropical fish. 11839 11840 If you think that 11841 Fish are peaceful 11842 That's an empty wish. 11843 Just dump them together 11844 And leave them alone, 11845 And soon you will have -- no fish. 11846 -- To My Favorite Things 11847% 11848Blackout, heatwave, .44 caliber homicide, 11849The bums drop dead and the dogs go mad in packs on the West Side, 11850A young girl standing on a ledge, looks like another suicide, 11851She wants to hit those bricks, 11852 'cause the news at six got to stick to a deadline, 11853While the millionaires hide in Beekman place, 11854The bag ladies throw their bones in my face, 11855I get attacked by a kid with stereo sound, 11856I don't want to hear it but he won't turn it down... 11857 -- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses" 11858% 11859Blame Saint Andreas -- it's all his fault. 11860% 11861Blessed are the forgetful: for they 11862get the better even of their blunders. 11863 -- Nietzsche 11864% 11865Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth. 11866% 11867Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt. 11868 -- Herbert Hoover 11869% 11870Blessed are they that have nothing to say, and who cannot be persuaded 11871to say it. 11872 -- James Russell Lowell 11873% 11874Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, 11875for they Shall be Known as Wheels. 11876% 11877Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed. 11878 -- W.C. Bennett 11879% 11880Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed. 11881 -- Alexander Pope 11882% 11883Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it, 11884for he shall enjoy living. 11885 -- W.C. Bennett 11886% 11887Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, 11888abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact. 11889 -- George Eliot 11890% 11891Blinding speed can compensate for a lot of deficiencies. 11892 -- David Nichols 11893% 11894blithwapping: 11895 Using anything BUT a hammer to hammer a nail into the 11896 wall, such as shoes, lamp bases, doorstops, etc. 11897 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 11898% 11899Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier. 11900% 11901Bloom's Seventh Law of Litigation: 11902 The judge's jokes are always funny. 11903% 11904Blow it out your ear. 11905% 11906Blue paint today. 11907 [Funny to Jack Slingwine, Guy Harris and Hal Pierson. Ed.] 11908% 11909Blutarsky's Axiom: 11910 Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to reason. 11911% 11912Body by Nautilus, Brain by Mattel. 11913% 11914Boling's postulate: 11915 If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it. 11916% 11917Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom: 11918 Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so 11919 vividly manifests their lack of progress. 11920% 11921Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them 11922seemed to come from Texas. 11923 -- Ian Fleming, "Casino Royale" 11924% 11925Bondage maybe, discipline never! 11926 -- T.K. 11927% 11928Bones: "The man's DEAD, Jim!" 11929% 11930Boob's Law: 11931 You always find something in the last place you look. 11932% 11933Booker's Law: 11934 An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction. 11935% 11936Bore, n: 11937 A person who talks when you wish him to listen. 11938 -- Ambrose Bierce 11939% 11940boss, n: 11941 According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages the 11942 words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss, 11943 in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an 11944 ornamental stud." 11945% 11946Boston: 11947 An outdoor Betty Ford Clinic. 11948% 11949Boston: 11950 Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports 11951 fans for finishing second in the Irish jig competition. 11952% 11953Both models are identical in performance, functional operation, and 11954interface circuit details. The two models, however, are not compatible 11955on the same communications line connection. 11956 -- Bell System Technical Reference 11957% 11958Boucher's Observation: 11959 He who blows his own horn always plays the music 11960 several octaves higher than originally written. 11961% 11962Bounders get bound when they are caught bounding. 11963 -- Ralph Lewin 11964% 11965Bower's Law: 11966 Talent goes where the action is. 11967% 11968Bowie's Theorem: 11969 If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment. 11970% 11971Boy! Eucalyptus! 11972% 11973Boy, get your head out of the stars above, 11974You get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love. 11975Save your heart and let your body be enough, 11976To get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love. 11977Save your heart and let your body be enough, 11978And get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love. 11979 -- Mac Macinelli, "Minimum Love" 11980% 11981Boy, I sure wish that I could be in the 11982'Advanced Systems Development' group! 11983% 11984boy, n: 11985 A noise with dirt on it. 11986% 11987Boy, that crayon sure did hurt! 11988% 11989Boycott meat - suck your thumb. 11990% 11991Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men. 11992 -- Kin Hubbard 11993% 11994Bozo is the Brotherhood of Zips and Others. Bozos are people who band 11995together for fun and profit. They have no jobs. Anybody who goes on a 11996tour is a Bozo. Why does a Bozo cross the street? Because there's a Bozo 11997on the other side. It comes from the phrase vos otros, meaning others. 11998They're the huge, fat, middle waist. The archetype is an Irish drunk 11999clown with red hair and nose, and pale skin. Fields, William Bendix. 12000Everybody tends to drift toward Bozoness. It has Oz in it. They mean 12001well. They're straight-looking except they've got inflatable shoes. They 12002like their comforts. The Bozos have learned to enjoy their free time, 12003which is all the time. 12004 -- Firesign Theatre, "If Bees Lived Inside Your Head" 12005% 12006Brace yourselves. We're about to try something that borders on the unique: 12007an actually rather serious technical book which is not only (gasp) vehemently 12008anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides. I tend to think of it as 12009`Constructive Snottiness.' 12010 -- Mike Padlipsky, "Elements of Networking Style" 12011% 12012Bradley's Bromide: 12013 If computers get too powerful, we can organize 12014 them into a committee -- that will do them in. 12015% 12016Brady's First Law of Problem Solving: 12017 When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more 12018 easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger 12019 have handled this?" 12020% 12021Brahma said: Well, after hearing ten thousand explanations, a fool is no 12022wiser. But an intelligent man needs only two thousand five hundred. 12023 -- The Mahabharata 12024% 12025Brain fried -- core dumped 12026% 12027brain, n: 12028 The apparatus with which we think that we think. 12029 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 12030% 12031brain, v: [as in "to brain"] 12032 To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source 12033 of error in an opponent. 12034 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 12035% 12036brain-damaged, generalization of "Honeywell Brain Damage" (HBD), a 12037theoretical disease invented to explain certain utter cretinisms in 12038Multics, adj: 12039 Obviously wrong; cretinous; demented. There is an implication 12040 that the person responsible must have suffered brain damage, 12041 because he/she should have known better. Calling something 12042 brain-damaged is bad; it also implies it is unusable. 12043% 12044Brandy Davis, an outfielder and teammate of mine with the Pittsburgh Pirates, 12045is my choice for team captain. Cincinnatti was beating us 3-1, and I led 12046off the bottom of the eighth with a walk. The next hitter banged a hard 12047single to right field. Feeling the wind at my back, I rounded second and 12048kept going, sliding safely into third base. 12049 With runners at first and third, and home-run hitter Ralph Kiner at 12050bat, our manager put in the fast Brandy Davis to run for the player at first. 12051Even with Kiner hitting and a change to win the game with a home run, Brandy 12052took off for second and made it. Now we had runners at second and third. 12053 I'm standing at third, knowing I'm not going anywhere, and see Brandy 12054start to take a lead. All of a sudden, here he comes. He makes a great slide 12055into third, and I scream, "Brandy, where are you going?" He looks up, and 12056shouts, "Back to second if I can make it." 12057 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game" 12058% 12059Brandy-and-water spoils two good things. 12060 -- Charles Lamb 12061% 12062Breadth-first search is the bulldozer of science. 12063 -- Randy Goebel 12064% 12065Break into jail and claim police brutality. 12066% 12067Breathe deep the gathering gloom. 12068Watch lights fade from every room. 12069Bed-sitter people look back and lament; 12070another day's useless energies spent. 12071 12072Impassioned lovers wrestle as one. 12073Lonely man cries for love and has none. 12074New mother picks up and suckles her son. 12075Senior citizens wish they were young. 12076 12077Cold-hearted orb that rules the night; 12078Removes the colors from our sight. 12079Red is grey and yellow white. 12080But we decide which is real, and which is an illusion." 12081 -- The Moody Blues, "Days of Future Passed" 12082% 12083Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience. 12084% 12085bride, n: 12086 A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. 12087% 12088Bridge ahead. Pay troll. 12089% 12090briefcase, n: 12091 A trial where the jury gets together and forms a lynching party. 12092% 12093Briefly stated, the findings are that when presented with an array of 12094data or a sequence of events in which they are instructed to discover 12095an underlying order, subjects show strong tendencies to perceive order 12096and causality in random arrays, to perceive a pattern or correlation 12097which seems a priori intuitively correct even when the actual correlation 12098in the data is counterintuitive, to jump to conclusions about the correct 12099hypothesis, to seek and to use only positive or confirmatory evidence, to 12100construe evidence liberally as confirmatory, to fail to generate or to 12101assess alternative hypotheses, and having thus managed to expose themselves 12102only to confirmatory instances, to be fallaciously confident of the validity 12103of their judgments (Jahoda, 1969; Einhorn and Hogarth, 1978). In the 12104analyzing of past events, these tendencies are exacerbated by failure to 12105appreciate the pitfalls of post hoc analyses. 12106 -- A. Benjamin 12107% 12108Brillineggiava, ed i tovoli slati 12109 girlavano ghimbanti nella vaba; 12110i borogovi eran tutti mimanti 12111 e la moma radeva fuorigraba. 12112 12113"Figliuolo mio, sta' attento al Gibrovacco, 12114 dagli artigli e dal morso lacerante; 12115fuggi l'uccello Giuggiolo, e nel sacco 12116 metti infine il frumioso Bandifante". 12117 -- "The Jabberwock" 12118% 12119Bringing computers into the home won't change 12120either one, but may revitalize the corner saloon. 12121% 12122Brisk talkers are usually slow thinkers. There is, indeed, no wild beast 12123more to be dreaded than a communicative man having nothing to communicate. 12124If you are civil to the voluble, they will abuse your patience; if 12125brusque, your character. 12126 -- Jonathan Swift 12127% 12128British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive 12129it. If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps. 12130 -- Peter Ustinov 12131% 12132British Israelites: 12133 The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of Britain to 12134be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by Sargon of Assyria 12135on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further believe that the future 12136can be foretold by the measurements of the Great Pyramid, which probably 12137means it will be big and yellow and in the hand of the Arabs. They also 12138believe that if you sleep with your head under the pillow a fairy will come 12139and take all your teeth. 12140 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 12141% 12142broad-mindedness, n: 12143 The result of flattening high-mindedness out. 12144% 12145Brogan's Constant: 12146 People tend to congregate in the back 12147 of the church and the front of the bus. 12148% 12149brokee, n: 12150 Someone who buys stocks on the advice of a broker. 12151% 12152Brooke's Law: 12153 Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool 12154 discovers something which either abolishes the system or 12155 expands it beyond recognition. 12156% 12157BS: You remind me of a man. 12158B: What man? 12159BS: The man with the power. 12160B: What power? 12161BS: The power of voodoo. 12162B: Voodoo? 12163BS: You do. 12164B: Do what? 12165BS: Remind me of a man. 12166B: What man? 12167BS: The man with the power... 12168 -- Cary Grant, "The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer" 12169% 12170Buck-passing usually turns out to be a boomerang. 12171% 12172Bucy's Law: 12173 Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. 12174% 12175Bug: 12176 An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect. 12177 The activity of "debugging," or removing bugs from a program, ends 12178 when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed. 12179% 12180bug, n: 12181 An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect. 12182 The activity of "debugging", or removing bugs from a program, ends 12183 when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed. 12184 -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984 12185% 12186Build a system that even a fool can use 12187and only a fool will want to use it. 12188% 12189Building translators is good clean fun. 12190 -- T. Cheatham 12191% 12192Bullwinkle: You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the outfit. 12193General: What does that make YOU? 12194Bullwinkle: What else? An executive. 12195% 12196Bumper sticker: 12197 All the parts falling off this car are 12198 of the very finest British manufacture. 12199% 12200Bunker's Admonition: 12201 You cannot buy beer; you can only rent it. 12202% 12203BURBULATION: 12204 The obsessive act of opening and closing a refrigerator door in 12205 an attempt to catch it before the automatic light comes on. 12206 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 12207% 12208Bureau Termination, Law of: 12209 When a government bureau is scheduled to be phased out, 12210 the number of employees in that bureau will double within 12211 12 months after the decision is made. 12212% 12213bureaucracy, n: 12214 A method for transforming energy into solid waste. 12215% 12216bureaucrat, n: 12217 A politician who has tenure. 12218% 12219Burke's Postulates: 12220 Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. 12221 Don't create a problem for which you do not have the answer. 12222% 12223Burnt Sienna. That's the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas. 12224 -- Ken Weaver 12225% 12226Bus error -- driver executed. 12227% 12228Bus error -- please leave by the rear door. 12229% 12230Bushydo -- the way of the shrub. Bonsai! 12231% 12232Business is a good game -- lots of competition 12233and minimum of rules. You keep score with money. 12234 -- Nolan Bushnell, founder of Atari 12235% 12236Business will be either better or worse. 12237 -- Calvin Coolidge 12238% 12239...but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be 12240proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge 12241to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women 12242were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a flaw; it is still 12243unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based on it were sound in logic and 12244in law. Nothing in any existing court was ever more thoroughly proved than 12245the charges of witchcraft and sorcery for which so many suffered death. If 12246there were no witches, human testimony and human reason are alike destitute 12247of value. 12248 -- Ambrose Bierce 12249% 12250But Captain -- the engines can't take this much longer! 12251% 12252But, for my own part, it was Greek to me. 12253 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 12254% 12255But has any little atom, 12256 While a-sittin' and a-splittin', 12257Ever stopped to think or CARE 12258 That E = m c**2 ? 12259% 12260"But Huey, you PROMISED!" 12261"Tell 'em I lied." 12262% 12263But I always fired into the nearest hill or, failing that, into blackness. 12264I meant no harm; I just liked the explosions. And I was careful never to 12265kill more than I could eat. 12266 -- Raoul Duke 12267% 12268But I don't like Spam!!!! 12269% 12270"But I don't want to go on the cart..." 12271"Oh, don't be such a baby!" 12272"But I'm feeling much better..." 12273"No you're not... in a moment you'll be stone dead!" 12274 -- Monty Python, "The Holy Grail" 12275% 12276But I find the old notions somehow appealing. Not that I want to go 12277back to them -- it is outrageous to have some outer authority tell you 12278what is proper use and abuse of your own faculties, and it is ludicrous 12279to hold reason higher than body or feeling. Still there is something 12280true and profoundly sane about the belief that acts like murder or 12281theft or assault violate the doer as well as the done to. We might 12282even, if we thought this way, have less crime. The popular view of 12283crime, as far as I can deduce it from the movies and television, is 12284that it is a breaking of a rule by someone who thinks they can get away 12285with that; implicitly, everyone would like to break the rule, but not 12286everyone is arrogant enough to imagine they can get away with it. It 12287therefore becomes very important for the rule upholders to bring such 12288arrogance down. 12289 -- Marilyn French, "The Woman's Room" 12290% 12291But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human 12292intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as 12293we can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues 12294that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding 12295of their world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard 12296example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads -- 12297makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing 12298whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a 12299finite or an infinite number. 12300 -- S.J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds" 12301% 12302But if you wish at once to do nothing and to be respectable 12303nowdays, the best pretext is to be at work on some profound study. 12304 -- Leslie Stephen, "Sketches from Cambridge" 12305% 12306But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the 12307system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed, 12308analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses. 12309 -- Bruce Leverett, 12310 "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers" 12311% 12312But it does move! 12313 -- Galileo Galilei 12314% 12315But like the Good Book says... There's BIGGER DEALS to come! 12316% 12317But, Mousie, thou art no thy lane, 12318In proving foresight may be vain: 12319The best laid schemes o' mice an' men 12320Gang aft a-gley, 12321An' lea'e us nought but grief and pain 12322For promised joy. 12323 -- Robert Burns, "To a Mouse", 1785 12324% 12325But, officer, he's not drunk, I just saw his fingers twitch! 12326% 12327But Officer, I stopped for the last one, and it was green! 12328% 12329But scientists, who ought to know 12330Assure us that it must be so. 12331Oh, let us never, never doubt 12332What nobody is sure about. 12333 -- Hilaire Belloc 12334% 12335But sex and drugs and rock & roll, why, they'd bring our blackest day. 12336% 12337But since I knew now that I could hope for nothing of greater value than 12338frivolous pleasures, what point was there in denying myself of them? 12339 -- M. Proust 12340% 12341But soft you, the fair Ophelia: 12342Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws, 12343But get thee to a nunnery -- go! 12344 -- Mark "The Bard" Twain 12345% 12346But these pills can't be habit forming; 12347I've been taking them for years. 12348% 12349But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad 12350place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge. 12351Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge? What 12352is a kludge, after all, but not enough K's, not enough ROM's, not 12353enough RAM's, poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around? 12354Have I explained yet about the bytes? 12355% 12356But you shall not escape my iambics. 12357 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus 12358% 12359But you who live on dreams, you are better pleased with the sophistical 12360reasoning and frauds of talkers about great and uncertain matters than 12361those who speak of certain and natural matters, not of such lofty nature. 12362 -- Leonardo Da Vinci, "The Codex on the Flight of Birds" 12363% 12364Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes 12365Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn; 12366Less dear than army ants in apple pies 12367Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn, 12368Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit; 12369Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose 12370They suck, and like the double-breasted suit 12371Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose, 12372Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed; 12373And stem the produce of thy waspish wits: 12374Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed; 12375Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits. 12376Be off, I say; go bug somebody new, 12377Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you. 12378% 12379buzzword, n: 12380 The fly in the ointment of computer literacy. 12381% 12382By doing just a little every day, you can 12383gradually let the task completely overwhelm you. 12384% 12385By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail. 12386% 12387By long-standing tradition, I take this opportunity to savage other 12388designers in the thin disguise of good, clean fun. 12389 -- P.J. Plauger, "Computer Language", 1988, April 12390 Fool's column. 12391% 12392By nature, men are nearly alike; 12393by practice, they get to be wide apart. 12394 -- Confucius 12395% 12396By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote. 12397In fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others 12398as it is to invent. 12399 -- R. Emerson 12400 -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program 12401 (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.") 12402 [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to 12403 misconstrue all these misquotations?!?" Ed.] 12404% 12405By perseverance the snail reached the Ark. 12406 -- Charles Spurgeon 12407% 12408By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death. 12409 -- Titus Lucretius Carus 12410% 12411By the time you swear you're his, 12412shivering and sighing 12413and he vows his passion is 12414infinite, undying -- 12415Lady, make a note of this: 12416One of you is lying. 12417 -- Dorothy Parker, "Unfortunate Coincidence" 12418% 12419By the yard, life is hard. 12420By the inch, it's a cinch. 12421% 12422By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. 12423Another man's, I mean. 12424 -- Mark Twain 12425% 12426By working faithfully eight hours a day, 12427you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve. 12428 -- Robert Frost 12429% 12430byob, v: 12431 Believing Your Own Bull 12432% 12433Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to 12434point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very 12435fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are 12436often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people 12437from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B 12438that so many people from point B are so keen to get there. They often 12439wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell 12440they wanted to be. 12441 -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy 12442% 12443BYTE editors are people who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then 12444carefully print the chaff. 12445% 12446Byte your tongue. 12447% 12448C Code. 12449C Code Run. 12450Run, Code, RUN! 12451 PLEASE!!!! 12452% 12453C for yourself. 12454% 12455C++ is the best example of second-system effect since OS/360. 12456% 12457C makes it easy for you to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes that 12458harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg. 12459 -- Bjarne Stroustrup 12460% 12461C, n: 12462 A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like 12463 assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything 12464 else. It is either the best language available to the art today, or 12465 it isn't. 12466 -- Ray Simard 12467% 12468cabbage, n: 12469 A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as 12470 a man's head. 12471 -- Ambrose Bierce 12472% 12473Cache: 12474 A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no one 12475 is supposed to know is there. 12476% 12477Cahn's Axiom: 12478 When all else fails, read the instructions. 12479% 12480California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange. 12481 -- Fred Allen 12482% 12483Californians are a strange people. They'll put every chemical known to God 12484and man up their nostrils and then laugh at you for putting sugar in your 12485coffee. 12486% 12487Call on God, but row away from the rocks. 12488 -- Indian proverb 12489% 12490Call things by their right names... Glass of brandy and water! That is the 12491current but not the appropriate name: ask for a glass of fire and distilled 12492damnation. 12493 -- Robert Hall, in Olinthus Gregory's, "Brief Memoir of the 12494 Life of Hall" 12495 12496 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 12497 referring to logical names.] 12498% 12499Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missle sighted, target 12500Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept. 12501% 12502Calling you stupid is an insult to stupid people! 12503 -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda" 12504% 12505Calm down, it's *only* ones and zeroes. 12506% 12507Calm down, it's only ones and zeroes, 12508Calm down, it's only bits and bytes, 12509Calm down, and speak to me in English, 12510Please realize that I'm not one of your computerites. 12511% 12512Calvin: "I wonder where we go when we die." 12513Hobbes: "Pittsburgh?" 12514Calvin: "You mean if we're good or if we're bad?" 12515% 12516Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle. 12517 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth 12518% 12519Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man 12520who ever came out of Plymouth Corner, Vermont. 12521 -- Clarence Darrow 12522% 12523Campbell's Law: 12524 Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter. 12525% 12526Campus crusade for Cthulhu -- it found me. 12527% 12528Can anyone remember when the times 12529were not hard, and money not scarce? 12530% 12531Can anything be sadder than work left unfinished? 12532Yes, work never begun. 12533% 12534Can you buy friendship? You not only can, you must. It's the 12535only way to obtain friends. Everything worthwhile has a price. 12536 -- Robert J. Ringer 12537% 12538Canada Bill Jones's Motto: 12539 It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. 12540 12541Canada Bill Jones's Supplement: 12542 A Smith and Wesson beats four aces. 12543% 12544Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. 12545It's 2 cents for postage and 30 cents for storage. 12546 -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post 12547% 12548CANCER (June 21 - July 22) 12549 This is a good time for those of you who are rich and happy, 12550 but a poor time for those of you born under this sign who are 12551 poor and unhappy. To tell you the truth, any day is tough 12552 when you're poor and unhappy. 12553% 12554Canonical, adj.: 12555 The usual or standard state or manner of something. A true story: 12556One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some annoyance at the use 12557of jargon. Over his loud objections, we made a point of using jargon as 12558much as possible in his presence, and eventually it began to sink in. 12559Finally, in one conversation, he used the word "canonical" in jargon-like 12560fashion without thinking. 12561 Steele: "Aha! We've finally got you talking jargon too!" 12562 Stallman: "What did he say?" 12563 Steele: "He just used `canonical' in the canonical way." 12564% 12565Can't act. Slightly bald. Also dances. 12566 -- RKO executive, reacting to Fred Astaire's screen test. 12567 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak" 12568% 12569Can't open /usr/fortunes. Lid stuck on cookie jar. 12570% 12571Can't open /usr/games/lib/fortunes.dat. 12572% 12573Capitalism is the extraordinary belief that the nastiest of men, for 12574the nastiest of reasons, will somehow work for the benefit of us all. 12575 -- John Maynard Keynes 12576% 12577CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19) 12578 Play your hunches. This is a day when luck will play an important 12579 part in your life. If you were smarter, you wouldn't need so much 12580 luck and you wouldn't be reading your horoscope, either. You are 12581 a suspicious person, and it will occur to you that astrologers 12582 don't know what they're talking about any more than your Aunt Martha. 12583% 12584CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19) 12585 Follow your instincts. You are much too scatterbrained to do anything 12586 else, such as think. Romance is in the air, but not for you, so forget 12587 it. That pimple on the end of your nose will get worse. 12588% 12589CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19) 12590 You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do 12591 much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn 12592 of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for 12593 too long as they tend to take root and become trees. 12594% 12595Captain Penny's Law: 12596 You can fool all of the people some of the time, and 12597 some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom. 12598% 12599Captain's Log, star date 21:34.5... 12600% 12601Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. 12602Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, 12603mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it 12604takes. 12605% 12606Carney's Law: There's at least a 50-50 chance that someone will print 12607the name Craney incorrectly. 12608 -- Jim Canrey 12609% 12610Carob works on the principle that, when mixed with the right combination of 12611fats and sugar, it can duplicate chocolate in color and texture. Of course, 12612the same can be said of dirt. 12613% 12614carperpetuation, n: 12615 The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a dozen 12616 times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting 12617 it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. 12618 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 12619% 12620Carson's Consolation: 12621 Nothing is ever a complete failure. 12622 It can always be used as a bad example. 12623% 12624Carson's Observation on Footwear: 12625 If the shoe fits, buy the other one too. 12626% 12627Carswell's Corollary: 12628 Whenever man comes up with a better mousetrap, 12629 nature invariably comes up with a better mouse. 12630% 12631Catch a wave and you're sitting on top of the world. 12632 -- The Beach Boys 12633% 12634Catharsis is something I associate with pornography and crossword puzzles. 12635 -- Howard Chaykin 12636% 12637Catproof is an oxymoron, childproof nearly so. 12638% 12639Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function. 12640 -- Garrison Keillor 12641% 12642Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't make eight cats pull 12643a sled through the snow. 12644% 12645Cats, no less liquid than their shadows, offer no angles to the wind. 12646% 12647Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. 12648 -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson" 12649% 12650Caution: Breathing may be hazardous to your health. 12651% 12652Caution: Keep out of reach of children. 12653% 12654CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh.. 12655% 12656CCI Power 6/40: one board, a megabyte of cache, and an attitude... 12657% 12658Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch. 12659% 12660Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the center 12661of the universe. The premise is wrong, but the navigation works. An 12662incorrect model can be a useful tool. 12663 -- Kelvin Throop III 12664% 12665Census Taker to Housewife: 12666Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, how many? 12667% 12668Center meeting at 4pm in 2C-543. 12669% 12670cerebral atrophy, n: 12671 The phenomena which occurs as brain cells become weak and sick, and 12672impair the brain's performance. An abundance of these "bad" cells can cause 12673symptoms related to senility, apathy, depression, and overall poor academic 12674performance. A certain small number of brain cells will deteriorate due to 12675everday activity, but large amounts are weakened by intense mental effort 12676and the assimilation of difficult concepts. Many college students become 12677victims of this dread disorder due to poor habits such as overstudying. 12678 12679cerebral darwinism, n: 12680 The theory that the effects of cerebral atrophy can be reversed 12681through the purging action of heavy alcohol consumption. Large amounts of 12682alcohol cause many brain cells to perish due to oxygen deprivation. Through 12683the process of natural selection, the weak and sick brain cells will die 12684first, leaving only the healthy cells. This wonderful process leaves the 12685imbiber with a healthier, more vibrant brain, and increases mental capacity. 12686Thus, the devastating effects of cerebral atrophy are reversed, and academic 12687performance actually increases beyond previous levels. 12688% 12689Cerebus: I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel. 12690Jaka: Look, Cerebus -- Jaka has to tell you... something 12691Cerebus: If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy out 12692 of it? 12693Jaka: Oooh. 12694Cerebus: You don't like apricot brandy? 12695 -- Cerebus, #6, "The Secret" 12696% 12697Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long 12698walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They 12699then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy 12700health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, 12701not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find 12702only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the 12703others who have tried it. 12704 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 12705% 12706 12707Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the 12708most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of 12709Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which 12710reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground nuts) Order, the expression 12711nuts shall have reference to such nuts, other than ground nuts, as would 12712but for this amending Order not qualify as nuts (unground) (other than ground 12713nuts) by reason of their being nuts (unground)." 12714 -- Guiness Book of World Records, 1973 12715% 12716Certainly the game is rigged. 12717Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win. 12718 -- Robert Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love" 12719% 12720Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, 12721But it's very funny -- 12722did you ever try buying them without money? 12723 -- Ogden Nash 12724% 12725C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas la guerre! 12726% 12727C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas l'Informatique. 12728 -- Bosquet [on seeing the IBM 4341] 12729% 12730CF&C stole it, fair and square. 12731 -- Tim Hahn 12732% 12733Chairman of the Bored. 12734% 12735Chamberlain's Laws: 12736 1: The big guys always win. 12737 2: Everything tastes more or less like chicken. 12738% 12739Champagne don't make me lazy. Cocaine don't drive me crazy. 12740Ain't nobody's business but my own. 12741 -- Taj Mahal 12742% 12743Chance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign. 12744 -- Anatole France 12745% 12746Change your thoughts and you change your world. 12747% 12748Changing husbands/wives is only changing troubles. 12749 -- Kathleen Norris 12750% 12751Chaos is King and Magic is loose in the world. 12752% 12753Chapter 1: 12754 The story so far: 12755 In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made 12756a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. 12757% 12758Chapter 2: Newtonian Growth and Decay 12759 12760 The growth-decay formulas were developed in the trivial fashion by 12761Isaac Newton's famous brother Phigg. His idea was to provide an equation 12762that would describe a quantity that would dwindle and dwindle, but never 12763quite reach zero. Historically, he was merely trying to work out his 12764mortgage. Another versatile equation also emerged, one which would define 12765a function that would continue to grow, but never reach unity. This equation 12766can be applied to charging capacitors, over-damped springs, and the human 12767race in general. 12768% 12769character density, n.: 12770 The number of very weird people in the office. 12771% 12772Character is what you are in the dark! 12773 -- Lord John Whorfin 12774% 12775CHARITY: 12776 A thing that begins at home and usually stays there. 12777% 12778Charity begins at home. 12779 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) 12780% 12781Charlie Brown: Why was I put on this earth? 12782Linus: To make others happy. 12783Charlie Brown: Why were others put on this earth? 12784% 12785Charlie was a chemist, 12786But Charlie is no more. 12787What Charlie thought was H2O was H2SO4. 12788% 12789Charm is a way of getting the answer "Yes" -- 12790without having asked any clear question. 12791% 12792Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap. 12793% 12794Check me if I'm wrong, Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers... 12795they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key! 12796% 12797checkuary, n: 12798 The thirteenth month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and ends 12799 when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his checks. 12800% 12801Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate. 12802% 12803Cheese -- milk's leap toward immortality. 12804 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play" 12805% 12806Chef, n: 12807 Any cook who swears in French. 12808% 12809Cheit's Lament: 12810 If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you-- 12811 the next time he's in need. 12812% 12813CHEMICALS: 12814 Noxious substances from which modern foods are made. 12815% 12816Chemist who falls in acid is absorbed in work. 12817% 12818Chemist who falls in acid will be tripping for weeks. 12819% 12820Chemistry professors never die, they just fail to react. 12821% 12822Cheops' Law: 12823 Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget. 12824% 12825"Cheshire-Puss," she began, "would you tell me, please, 12826 which way I ought to go from here?" 12827"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat. 12828"I don't care much where--" said Alice. 12829"Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat. 12830% 12831Chess tonight. 12832% 12833CHICAGO: 12834 Where the dead still vote... early and often! 12835% 12836Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36: 12837 Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn 12838headgear where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer". 12839 -- Chicago Reader 3/27/81 12840% 12841Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84: 12842 The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request 12843for overheated passengers. When your timer pops up, the driver will 12844cheerfully baste you. 12845 -- Chicago Reader 5/28/82 12846% 12847Chicagoan: "So, where're you from?" 12848Hoosier: "What's wrong with Indiana?" 12849% 12850Chicken Little was right. 12851% 12852Chicken Soup: 12853 An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin, 12854 cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup 12855 can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother. 12856 -- Arthur Naiman 12857% 12858Chihuahuas drive me crazy. I can't stand anything that 12859shivers when it's warm. 12860% 12861Children are like cats, they can tell when you don't like 12862them. That's when they come over and violate your body space. 12863% 12864Children are natural mimics who act like their parents 12865despite every effort to teach them good manners. 12866% 12867Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're 12868going to catch you in next. 12869 -- Franklin P. Jones 12870% 12871Children aren't happy without something to ignore, 12872And that's what parents were created for. 12873 -- Ogden Nash 12874% 12875Children begin by loving their parents. After a time they judge them. 12876Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them. 12877 -- Oscar Wilde 12878% 12879Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually 12880repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. 12881% 12882Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives. 12883 -- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings" 12884% 12885Chinese saying: "He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks." 12886% 12887Chism's Law of Completion: 12888 The amount of time required to complete a government project is 12889 precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it. 12890% 12891Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law: 12892 When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will. 12893% 12894Chocolate Chip. 12895% 12896Choose in marriage only a woman whom you would choose as 12897a friend if she were a man. 12898 -- Joubert 12899% 12900Chorus: 12901 Grandma got run over by a reindeer, 12902 Walking home from our house Christmas eve. 12903 You can say there's no such thing as Santa, 12904 But as for me and Grandpa, we believe! 12905She'd been drinking too much eggnog, 12906And we begged her not to go. 12907But she'd forgot her medication, When we found her Christmas morning, 12908And she staggered through the door At the scene of the attack. 12909 out in the snow. She had hoofprints on her forehead, 12910 And incriminating claus-marks on her 12911Now we're all so proud of Grandpa, back. 12912He's been taking this so well. 12913See him in there watching football. I've warned all my friends and 12914Drinking beer and playing cards neighbors, 12915 with cousin Mel. Better watch out for yourselves! 12916 They should never give a license, 12917 To a man who drives a sleigh and 12918 plays with elves! 12919 -- Elmo and Patsy, "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" 12920% 12921Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint Him. 12922% 12923Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found 12924difficult and not tried. 12925 -- G.K. Chesterton 12926% 12927Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it. 12928 -- George Bernard Shaw 12929% 12930Christmas time is here, by Golly; Kill the turkeys, ducks and chickens; 12931Disapproval would be folly; Mix the punch, drag out the Dickens; 12932Deck the halls with hunks of holly; Even though the prospect sickens, 12933Fill the cup and don't say when... Brother, here we go again. 12934 12935On Christmas day, you can't get sore; Relations sparing no expense'll, 12936Your fellow man you must adore; Send some useless old utensil, 12937There's time to rob him all the more, Or a matching pen and pencil, 12938The other three hundred and sixty-four! Just the thing I need... how nice. 12939 12940It doesn't matter how sincere Hark The Herald-Tribune sings, 12941It is, nor how heartfelt the spirit; Advertising wondrous things. 12942Sentiment will not endear it; God Rest Ye Merry Merchants, 12943What's important is... the price. May you make the Yuletide pay. 12944 Angels We Have Heard On High, 12945Let the raucous sleighbells jingle; Tell us to go out and buy. 12946Hail our dear old friend, Kris Kringle, Sooooo... 12947Driving his reindeer across the sky, 12948Don't stand underneath when they fly by! 12949 -- Tom Lehrer 12950% 12951Churchill's Commentary on Man: 12952 Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, 12953 but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on. 12954% 12955CIGARETTE: 12956 A fire at one end, a fool at the other, 12957 and a bit of tobacco in between. 12958% 12959CINEMUCK: 12960 The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate 12961 which covers the floors of movie theaters. 12962 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 12963% 12964Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances. 12965 -- Herodotus 12966% 12967Civilization and profits go hand in hand. 12968 -- Calvin Coolidge 12969% 12970Civilization, as we know it, will end sometime this evening. 12971See SYSNOTE tomorrow for more information. 12972% 12973Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities. 12974 -- Mark Twain 12975% 12976clairvoyant, n.: 12977 A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that 12978which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead. 12979 -- Ambrose Bierce 12980% 12981Claret is the liquor for boys; port for men; but he who 12982aspires to be a hero... must drink brandy. 12983 -- Samuel Johnson 12984% 12985Clarke's Conclusion: 12986 Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing. 12987% 12988Class, that's the only thing that counts in life. Class. 12989Without class and style, a man's a bum; he might as well be dead. 12990 -- "Bugsy" Siegel 12991% 12992Class: when they're running you out of town, to look like you're 12993leading the parade. 12994 -- Bill Battie 12995% 12996Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune. 12997 -- Kin Hubbard, "Abe Martin's Sayings" 12998% 12999Clay's Conclusion: 13000 Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster. 13001% 13002Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling 13003the walk before it stops snowing. 13004 -- Phyllis Diller 13005 13006There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years 13007the dirt doesn't get any worse. 13008 -- Quentin Crisp 13009% 13010Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely. 13011 -- P.J. O'Rourke 13012% 13013Cleanliness is next to impossible. 13014% 13015CLEVELAND: 13016 Where their last tornado did six 13017 million dollars worth of improvements. 13018% 13019Cleveland? 13020Yes, I spent a week there one day. 13021% 13022Climate and Surgery 13023 R C Gilchrist, who was shot by J Sharp twelve days ago, and who 13024received a derringer ball in the right breast, and who it was supposed at 13025the time could not live many hours, was on the street yesterday and the 13026day before - walking several blocks at a time. To those who design to be 13027riddled with bullets or cut to pieces with Bowie-knives, we cordially 13028recommend our Sacramento climate and Sacramento surgery. 13029 -- Sacramento Daily Union, September 11, 1861 13030% 13031Climbing onto a bar stool, a piece of string asked for a beer. 13032 "Wait a minute. Aren't you a string?" 13033 "Well, yes, I am." 13034 "Sorry. We don't serve strings here." 13035 The determined string left the bar and stopped a passer-by. "Excuse, 13036me," it said, "would you shred my ends and tie me up like a pretzel?" The 13037passer-by obliged, and the string re-entered the bar. "May I have a beer, 13038please?" it asked the bartender. 13039 The barkeep set a beer in front of the string, then suddenly stopped. 13040"Hey, aren't you the string I just threw out of here?" 13041 "No, I'm a frayed knot." 13042% 13043clone, n: 13044 1. An exact duplicate, as in "our product is a clone of their 13045 product." 2. A shoddy, spurious copy, as in "their product 13046 is a clone of our product." 13047% 13048Clones are people two. 13049% 13050Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery. 13051% 13052Clothes make the man. 13053Naked people have little or no influence on society. 13054 -- Mark Twain 13055% 13056Clovis' Consideration of an Atmospheric Anomaly: 13057 The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated 13058 than by the fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere, 13059 bread becomes hard while crackers become soft. 13060% 13061Coach: Can I draw you a beer, Norm? 13062Norm: No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one. 13063 -- Cheers, No Help Wanted 13064 13065Coach: How about a beer, Norm? 13066Norm: Hey I'm high on life, Coach. Of course, beer is my life. 13067 -- Cheers, No Help Wanted 13068 13069Coach: How's a beer sound, Norm? 13070Norm: I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in. 13071 -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights 13072% 13073Coach: How's it going, Norm? 13074Norm: Daddy's rich and Momma's good lookin'. 13075 -- Cheers, Truce or Consequences 13076 13077Sam: What's up, Norm? 13078Norm: My nipples. It's freezing out there. 13079 -- Cheers, Coach Returns to Action 13080 13081Coach: What's the story, Norm? 13082Norm: Thirsty guy walks into a bar. You finish it. 13083 -- Cheers, Endless Slumper 13084% 13085Coach: What would you say to a beer, Normie? 13086Norm: Daddy wuvs you. 13087 -- Cheers, The Mail Goes to Jail 13088 13089Sam: What'd you like, Normie? 13090Norm: A reason to live. Gimme another beer. 13091 -- Cheers, Behind Every Great Man 13092 13093Sam: What will you have, Norm? 13094Norm: Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass 13095 of whatever comes out of that tap. 13096Sam: Oh, looks like beer, Norm. 13097Norm: Call me Mister Lucky. 13098 -- Cheers, The Executive's Executioner 13099% 13100Coach: What's up, Norm? 13101Norm: Corners of my mouth, Coach. 13102 -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights 13103 13104Coach: What's shaking, Norm? 13105Norm: All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach. 13106 -- Cheers, Snow Job 13107 13108Coach: Beer, Normie? 13109Norm: Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week. 13110 Eh, why not, I'm still young. 13111 -- Cheers, Snow Job 13112% 13113COBOL: 13114 An exercise in Artificial Inelegance. 13115% 13116COBOL: 13117 Completely Over and Beyond reason Or Logic. 13118% 13119COBOL is for morons. 13120 -- E.W. Dijkstra 13121% 13122Cobol programmers are down in the dumps. 13123% 13124COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance. 13125% 13126Coding is easy; All you do is sit staring at a 13127terminal until the drops of blood form on your forehead. 13128% 13129Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- 13130I think that I think, therefore I think that I am. 13131 -- Ambrose Bierce 13132% 13133Cohen's Law: 13134 There is no bottom to worse. 13135% 13136Cohn's Law: 13137 The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less 13138 time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend 13139 all your time reporting on the nothing you are doing. 13140% 13141Coincidences are spiritual puns. 13142 -- G.K. Chesterton 13143% 13144COLD: 13145 When the politicians walk around 13146 with their hands in their own pockets. 13147% 13148Cold hands, no gloves. 13149% 13150Cole's Law: 13151 Thinly sliced cabbage. 13152% 13153COLLABORATION: 13154 A literary partnership based on the false 13155 assumption that the other fellow can spell. 13156% 13157COLLEGE: 13158 The fountains of knowledge, where everyone goes to drink. 13159% 13160College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the 13161faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if 13162the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms, 13163legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the 13164loss to humanity. 13165 -- H.L. Mencken 13166% 13167COLORADO: 13168 Where they don't buy M & M's, 'cause they're so hard to peel. 13169% 13170Colorless green ideas sleep furiously. 13171% 13172Column 1 Column 2 Column 3 13173 131740. integrated 0. management 0. options 131751. total 1. organizational 1. flexibility 131762. systematized 2. monitored 2. capability 131773. parallel 3. reciprocal 3. mobility 131784. functional 4. digital 4. programming 131795. responsive 5. logistical 5. concept 131806. optional 6. transitional 6. time-phase 131817. synchronized 7. incremental 7. projection 131828. compatible 8. third-generation 8. hardware 131839. balanced 9. policy 9. contingency 13184 13185 The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number, then select 13186the corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance, number 257 produces 13187"systematized logistical projection," a phrase that can be dropped into 13188virtually any report with that ring of decisive, knowledgeable authority. "No 13189one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about," says Broughton, 13190"but the important thing is that they're not about to admit it." 13191 -- Philip Broughton, "How to Win at Wordsmanship" 13192% 13193Colvard's Logical Premises: 13194 All probabilities are 50%. 13195Either a thing will happen or it won't. 13196 13197Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary: 13198 This is especially true when 13199 dealing with someone you're attracted to. 13200 13201Grelb's Commentary: 13202 Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you. 13203% 13204Come, every frustum longs to be a cone, 13205And every vector dreams of matrices. 13206Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze: 13207It whispers of a more ergodic zone. 13208 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 13209% 13210Come fill the cup and in the fire of spring 13211Your winter garment of repentence fling. 13212The bird of time has but a little way 13213To flutter -- and the bird is on the wing. 13214 -- Omar Khayyam 13215% 13216Come home America. 13217 -- George McGovern, 1972 13218% 13219Come, landlord, fill the flowing bowl until it does run over, 13220Tonight we will all merry be -- tomorrow we'll get sober. 13221 -- John Fletcher, "The Bloody Brother", II, 2 13222% 13223Come, let us hasten to a higher plane, 13224Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn, 13225Their indices bedecked from one to n, 13226Commingled in an endless Markov chain! 13227 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 13228% 13229Come, let us hasten to a higher plane, 13230Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn, 13231Their indices bedecked from one to n, 13232Commingled in an endless Markov chain! 13233 13234Come, every frustum longs to be a cone, 13235And every vector dreams of matrices. 13236Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze: 13237It whispers of a more ergodic zone. 13238 13239In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space 13240Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways. 13241Our asymptotes no longer out of phase, 13242We shall encounter, counting, face to face. 13243 -- The Cyberiad 13244% 13245Come live with me, and be my love, 13246And we will some new pleasures prove 13247Of golden sands, and crystal brooks, 13248With silken lines, and silver hooks. 13249 -- John Donne 13250% 13251Come live with me and be my love, 13252And we will some new pleasures prove 13253Of golden sands and crystal brooks 13254With silken lines, and silver hooks. 13255There's nothing that I wouldn't do 13256If you would be my POSSLQ. 13257 13258You live with me, and I with you, 13259And you will be my POSSLQ. 13260I'll be your friend and so much more; 13261That's what a POSSLQ is for. 13262 13263And everything we will confess; 13264Yes, even to the IRS. 13265Some day on what we both may earn, 13266Perhaps we'll file a joint return. 13267You'll share my pad, my taxes, joint; 13268You'll share my life - up to a point! 13269And that you'll be so glad to do, 13270Because you'll be my POSSLQ. 13271% 13272Come, muse, let us sing of rats! 13273 -- From a poem by James Grainger, 1721-1767 13274% 13275Come quickly, I am tasting stars! 13276 -- Dom Perignon, upon discovering champagne. 13277% 13278Come, you spirits 13279That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here, 13280And fill me, from the crown to the toe, top-full 13281Of direst cruelty! make thick my blood, 13282Stop up the access and passage to remorse 13283That no compunctious visiting of nature 13284Shake my fell purpose, not keep peace between 13285The effect and it! Come to my woman's breasts, 13286And take my milk for gall, you murdering ministers, 13287Wherever in your sightless substances 13288You wait on nature's mischief! Come, thick night, 13289And pall the in the dunnest smoke of hell, 13290That my keen knife see not the wound it makes, 13291Nor heaven peep through the blanket of the dark, 13292To cry `Hold, hold!' 13293 -- Lady MacBeth 13294% 13295Comedy, like Medicine, was never meant to be practiced by the general public. 13296% 13297Coming to Stores Near You: 13298 13299101 Grammatically Correct Popular Tunes Featuring: 13300 13301 (You Aren't Anything but a) Hound Dog 13302 It Doesn't Mean a Thing If It Hasn't Got That Swing 13303 I'm Not Misbehaving 13304 13305And A Whole Lot More... 13306% 13307Coming together is a beginning; 13308 keeping together is progress; 13309 working together is success. 13310% 13311Commit the oldest sins the newest kind of ways. 13312 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" 13313% 13314COMMITTMENT: 13315 Committment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs. 13316 The chicken was involved, the pig was committed. 13317% 13318Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius. 13319 -- Josh Billings 13320 13321Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. 13322 -- Albert Einstein 13323% 13324Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. 13325 -- Albert Einstein 13326% 13327Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world. 13328Everyone thinks he has enough. 13329 -- Descartes, 1637 13330% 13331Commoner's three laws of ecology: 13332 1) No action is without side-effects. 13333 2) Nothing ever goes away. 13334 3) There is no free lunch. 13335% 13336Communicate! It can't make things any worse. 13337% 13338Comparing software engineering to classical engineering assumes that software 13339has the ability to wear out. Software typically behaves, or it does not. It 13340either works, or it does not. Software generally does not degrade, abrade, 13341stretch, twist, or ablate. To treat it as a physical entity, therefore, is 13342misapplication of our engineering skills. Classical engineering deals with 13343the characteristics of hardware; software engineering should deal with the 13344characteristics of *software*, and not with hardware or management. 13345 -- Dan Klein 13346% 13347COMPASS [for the CDC-6000 series] is the sort of assembler 13348one expects from a corporation whose president codes in octal. 13349 -- J.N. Gray 13350% 13351Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses, 13352is in the eye of the beholder. 13353 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter 13354% 13355Competitive fury is not always anger. It is the true missionary's 13356courage and zeal in facing the possibility that one's best may not 13357be enough. 13358 -- Gene Scott 13359% 13360COMPLEX SYSTEM: 13361 One with real problems and imaginary profits. 13362% 13363COMPLIMENT: 13364 When you say something to another which everyone knows isn't true. 13365% 13366compuberty, n: 13367 The uncomfortable period of emotional and hormonal changes a 13368 computer experiences when the operating system is upgraded and 13369 a sun4 is put online sharing files. 13370% 13371COMPUTER: 13372 An electronic entity which performs sequences of useful steps in a 13373 totally understandable, rigorously logical manner. If you believe 13374 this, see me about a bridge I have for sale in Manhattan. 13375% 13376Computer programmers do it byte by byte. 13377% 13378Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing. 13379% 13380Computer programs expand so as to fill the core available. 13381% 13382COMPUTER SCIENCE: 13383 1) A study akin to numerology and astrology, but lacking the 13384 precision of the former and the success of the latter. 13385 2) The protracted value analysis of algorithms. 13386 3) The costly enumeration of the obvious. 13387 4) The boring art of coping with a large number of trivialities. 13388 5) Tautology harnessed in the service of Man at the speed of light. 13389 6) The Post-Turing decline in formal systems theory. 13390% 13391Computer Science is the only discipline in which we view 13392adding a new wing to a building as being maintenance 13393 -- Jim Horning 13394% 13395Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. 13396% 13397Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. 13398Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable. 13399 -- Gilb 13400% 13401Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. 13402 -- Pablo Picasso 13403% 13404Computers don't actually think. 13405 You just think they think. 13406 (We think.) 13407% 13408Conceit causes more conversation than wit. 13409 -- LaRouchefoucauld 13410% 13411CONCEPT: 13412 Any "idea" for which an outside 13413 consultant billed you more than $25,000. 13414% 13415Conceptual integrity in turn dictates that the design must proceed 13416from one mind, or from a very small number of agreeing resonant minds. 13417 -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month" 13418% 13419Condense soup, not books! 13420% 13421CONFERENCE: 13422 A special meeting in which the boss gathers subordinates to hear 13423 what they have to say, so long as it doesn't conflict with what 13424 he's already decided to do. 13425% 13426Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven; 13427confess them to man and you will be laughed at. 13428 -- Josh Billings 13429% 13430Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career. 13431% 13432Confession is good for the soul only in the sense 13433that a tweed coat is good for dandruff. 13434 -- Peter de Vries 13435% 13436Confessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for 13437the reputation. 13438 -- Lord Thomas Dewar 13439% 13440Confidant, confidante, n: 13441 One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided to himself by C. 13442 -- Ambrose Bierce 13443% 13444Confidence is simply that quiet, assured feeling you have before you 13445fall flag on your face. 13446 -- Dr. L. Binder 13447% 13448Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation. 13449% 13450CONFIRMED BACHELOR: 13451 A man who goes through life without a hitch. 13452% 13453Conflicting research paradigms 13454Have legitimized various crimes. 13455 The worst we can see 13456 Is in psychology, 13457Measuring reaction times. 13458% 13459Conformity is the refuge of the unimaginative. 13460% 13461Confucius say too damn much! 13462% 13463Confucius say too much. 13464 -- Recent Chinese Proverb 13465% 13466Confusion will be my epitaph 13467as I walk a cracked and broken path 13468If we make it we can all sit back and laugh 13469but I fear that tomorrow we'll be crying. 13470 -- King Crimson, "In the Court of the Crimson King" 13471% 13472Congratulations! You are the one-millionth user to log into our system. 13473If there's anything special we can do for you, anything at all, don't 13474hesitate to ask! 13475% 13476Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would 13477give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you 13478undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver. 13479Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL 13480CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T 13481YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH 13482THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH 13483SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS 13484CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING 13485TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES 13486RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT? 13487 -- Dave Barry 13488% 13489Congratulations are in order for Tom Reid. 13490 13491He says he just found out he is the winner of the 2021 Psychic of the 13492Year award. 13493% 13494Conjecture: All odd numbers are prime. 13495 13496 Mathematician's Proof: 13497 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. By induction, all 13498 odd numbers are prime. 13499 Physicist's Proof: 13500 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is experimental 13501 error. 11 is prime. 13 is prime ... 13502 Engineer's Proof: 13503 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is prime. 13504 11 is prime. 13 is prime ... 13505 Computer Scientists's Proof: 13506 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime... 13507% 13508Conquering Russia should be done steppe by steppe. 13509% 13510Conscience doth make cowards of us all. 13511 -- Shakespeare 13512% 13513Conscience is defined as the thing that hurts 13514when everything else feels great. 13515% 13516Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking. 13517 -- H.L. Mencken, "A Mencken Chrestomathy" 13518% 13519Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. 13520% 13521CONSENT DECREE: 13522 A document in which a hapless company consents never to commit 13523 in the future whatever heinous violations of Federal law it 13524 never admitted to in the first place. 13525% 13526Conservative: 13527 One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead. 13528 -- Leo C. Rosten 13529% 13530Conservative, n: 13531 A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished 13532 from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others. 13533 -- Ambrose Bierce 13534% 13535"Consider a spherical bear, in simple harmonic motion..." 13536 -- Professor in the UCB physics department 13537% 13538Consider the following axioms carefully: 13539 "Everything's better when it sits on a Ritz." 13540 and 13541 "Everything's better with Blue Bonnet on it." 13542What happens if one spreads Blue Bonnet margarine on a Ritz cracker? The 13543thought is frightening. Is this how God came into being? Try not to 13544consider the fact that "Things go better with Coke". 13545% 13546Consider the little mouse, how sagacious an animal 13547it is which never entrusts its life to one hole only. 13548 -- Titus Maccius Plautus 13549% 13550Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in 13551the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there. 13552 -- Josh Billings 13553% 13554CONSULTANT: 13555 (1) Someone you pay to take the watch off your wrist and tell 13556 you what time it is. (2) (For resume use) The working title 13557 of anyone who doesn't currently hold a job. Motto: Have 13558 Calculator, Will Travel. 13559% 13560CONSULTANT: 13561 An ordinary man a long way from home. 13562% 13563CONSULTANT: 13564 [From con "to defraud, dupe, swindle," or, possibly, French con 13565 (vulgar) "a person of little merit" + sult elliptical form of 13566 "insult."] A tipster disguised as an oracle, especially one who 13567 has learned to decamp at high speed in spite of a large briefcase 13568 and heavy wallet. 13569% 13570CONSULTANT: 13571 Someone who'd rather climb a tree and tell a 13572 lie than stand on the ground and tell the truth. 13573% 13574Consultants are mystical people who ask a 13575company for a number and then give it back to them. 13576% 13577CONSULTATION: 13578 Medical term meaning "to share the wealth." 13579% 13580Contemporary American feminism's simplistic psychology is illustrated by 13581the new cliche of the date-rape furor: "`No' always means `no'." Will 13582we ever graduate from the Girl Scouts? "No" has always been, and always 13583will be, part of the dangerous alluring courtship ritual of sex and 13584seduction, observable even in the animal kingdom. 13585 -- Camille Paglia, NY Times, Dec. 14 1990, Op Ed. 13586% 13587"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and 13588if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!" 13589 -- Lewis Carroll 13590% 13591Convention is the ruler of all. 13592 -- Pindar 13593% 13594CONVERSATION: 13595 A vocal competition in which the one who 13596 is catching his breath is called the listener. 13597% 13598Conversation enriches the understanding, 13599but solitude is the school of genius. 13600% 13601Conway's Law: 13602 In any organization there will always be one person who knows 13603 what is going on. 13604 13605 This person must be fired. 13606% 13607Cops never say good-bye. They're always hoping to see you again in the 13608line-up. 13609 -- Raymond Chandler 13610% 13611COPYING MACHINE: 13612 A device that shreds paper, flashes mysteriously coded messages, 13613 and makes duplicates for everyone in the office who isn't 13614 interested in reading them. 13615% 13616Coronation, n: 13617 The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and visible 13618 signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite bomb. 13619 -- Ambrose Bierce 13620% 13621Correction does much, but encouragement does more. 13622 -- Goethe 13623% 13624Correspondence Corollary: 13625 An experiment may be considered a success if no more than half 13626 your data must be discarded to obtain correspondence with your theory. 13627% 13628CORRUPT: 13629 In politics, holding an office of trust or profit. 13630% 13631Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a muddle 13632of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can make of 13633capitalism. 13634 -- Walter Lippmann 13635% 13636Corruption is not the No. 1 priority of the Police Commissioner. 13637His job is to enforce the law and fight crime. 13638 -- P.B.A. President E.J. Kiernan 13639% 13640Corry's Law: 13641 Paper is always strongest at the perforations. 13642% 13643Couldn't we jury-rig the cat to act as an audio switch, and have it yell 13644at people to save their core images before logging them out? I'm sure 13645the cattle prod would be effective in this regard. In any case, a traverse 13646mounted iguana, while more perverted, gives better traction, not to mention 13647being easier to stake. 13648% 13649Counting in binary is just like counting 13650in decimal -- if you are all thumbs. 13651 -- Glaser and Way 13652% 13653Counting in octal is just like counting 13654in decimal -- if you don't use your thumbs. 13655 -- Tom Lehrer 13656% 13657Courage is fear that has said its prayers. 13658% 13659Courage is grace under pressure. 13660% 13661Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear -- not absence of fear. 13662 -- Mark Twain 13663% 13664Courage is your greatest present need. 13665% 13666court, n.: 13667 A place where they dispense with justice. 13668 -- Arthur Train 13669% 13670Courtship to marriage, as a very witty prologue to a very dull play. 13671 -- William Congreve 13672% 13673COWARD: 13674 One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. 13675% 13676[Crash programs] fail because they are based on the theory that, 13677with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month. 13678 -- Wernher von Braun 13679% 13680Crazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!! 13681% 13682Creating computer software is always a demanding and painstaking 13683process -- an exercise in logic, clear expression, and almost fanatical 13684attention to detail. It requires intelligence, dedication, and an 13685enormous amount of hard work. But, a certain amount of unpredictable 13686and often unrepeatable inspiration is what usually makes the difference 13687between adequacy and excellence. 13688% 13689Creativity in living is not without its attendant difficulties, for 13690peculiarity breeds contempt. And the unfortunate thing about being 13691ahead of your time when people finally realize you were right, they'll 13692say it was obvious all along. 13693 -- Alan Ashley-Pitt 13694% 13695Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you are doing. 13696% 13697Creativity is not always bred in an environment of tranquility; 13698sometimes you have to squeeze a little to get the paste out of the tube. 13699% 13700Credit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man. 13701 -- James Blish 13702% 13703CREDITOR: 13704 A man who has a better memory than a debtor. 13705% 13706Crenna's Law of Political Accountability: 13707 If you are the first to know about something bad, 13708 you are going to be held responsible for acting on it, 13709 regardless of your formal duties. 13710% 13711Crime does not pay... as well as politics. 13712 -- A.E. Newman 13713% 13714CRITIC: 13715 A person who boasts himself hard to please 13716 because nobody tries to please him. 13717% 13718critic, n.: 13719 A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries 13720 to please him. 13721 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 13722% 13723Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship. 13724 -- Zeuxis 13725% 13726Critics are like eunuchs in a harem: they know how it's done, they've 13727seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves. 13728 -- Brendan Behan 13729% 13730Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt? 13731 -- Socrates' last words 13732% 13733Croll's Query: 13734 If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of? 13735% 13736Cropp's Law: 13737 The amount of work done varies inversly 13738 with the time spent in the office. 13739% 13740Crucifixes are sexy because there's a naked man on them. 13741 -- Madonna 13742% 13743Cruickshank's Law of Committees: 13744 If a committee is allowed to discuss a bad idea long enough, it 13745 will inevitably decide to implement the idea simply because so 13746 much work has already been done on it. 13747% 13748Crusade for Cthulu! It Found ME! 13749% 13750Crush! Kill! Destroy! 13751% 13752Cthulhu Cthucks! 13753% 13754Cthulhu for President! 13755 (If you're tired of choosing the lesser of two evils.) 13756% 13757Cthulhu Saves -- in case He's hungry later. 13758% 13759Culture is the habit of being pleased with the best and knowing why. 13760% 13761Cure the disease and kill the patient. 13762 -- Francis Bacon 13763% 13764CURSOR: 13765 One whose program will not run. 13766 -- Robb Russon 13767% 13768curtation n. The enforced compression of a string in the fixed-length field 13769environment. 13770 The problem of fitting extremely variable-length strings such as names, 13771addresses, and item descriptions into fixed-length records is no trivial 13772matter. Neglect of the subtle art of curtation has probably alienated more 13773people than any other aspect of data processing. You order Mozart's "Don 13774Giovanni" from your record club, and they invoice you $24.95 for MOZ DONG. 13775The witless mapping of the sublime onto the ridiculous! Equally puzzling is 13776the curtation that produces the same eight characters, THE BEST, whether you 13777order "The Best of Wagner", "The Best of Schubert", or "The Best of the Turds". 13778Similarly, wine lovers buying from computerized wineries twirl their glasses, 13779check their delivery notes, and inform their friends, "A rather innocent, 13780possibly overtruncated CAB SAUV 69 TAL." The squeezing of fruit into 10 13781columns has yielded such memorable obscenities as COX OR PIP. The examples 13782cited are real, and the curtational methodology which produced them is still 13783with us. 13784 13785MOZ DONG n. 13786 Curtation of Don Giovanni by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Lorenzo da 13787Ponte, as performed by the computerized billing ensemble of the Internat'l 13788Preview Society, Great Neck (sic), N.Y. 13789 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 13790% 13791Custer committed Siouxicide. 13792% 13793Cut a man's hand when you fight him. He'll freeze, fascinated by the sight 13794of his own blood. That's when you stick him in the throat. 13795 -- Gerry Youghkins 13796 13797If you look rather casual with the knife when you flick it open, people 13798don't like it. 13799 -- Gerry Youghkins 13800% 13801Cutler Webster's Law: 13802 There are two sides to every argument, unless a person 13803 is personally involved, in which case there is only one. 13804% 13805Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It 13806eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the 13807business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation." 13808 -- Johnny Hart 13809% 13810CYNIC: 13811 Experienced. 13812% 13813CYNIC: 13814 One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye. 13815% 13816Cynic, n: 13817 A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, 13818 not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the 13819 Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision. 13820 -- Ambrose Bierce 13821% 13822Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why 13823several of us died of tuberculosis. 13824 -- Jack Handey 13825% 13826DALLAS: 13827 The city that chose Astroturf to 13828 keep the cheerleaders from grazing. 13829% 13830Dallas still lives. God MUST be dead. 13831% 13832Dammit Jim, I'm an actor not a doctor. 13833% 13834"Dammit, man, that's unprofessional! A good bartender laughs anyway!" 13835% 13836Damn braces. 13837 -- William Blake, "Proverbs of Hell" 13838% 13839Damn, I need a Coke! 13840 -- Dr. William DeVries 13841 [after implanting the first artificial human heart] 13842% 13843DAMN IT, I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE! 13844% 13845Dark and lonely on a summer night 13846 Kill my landlord, 13847 Kill my landlord. 13848The watchdog barkin' 13849Do he bite? 13850 Kill my landlord, 13851 Kill my landlord. 13852Slip in his window. 13853Break his neck. 13854Then his house I start to wreck 13855Got no reason, 13856What the heck? 13857 Kill my landlord, 13858 Kill my landlord. 13859 C-I-L-L my landlord! 13860 -- "Images" by Tyrone Green, SNL 13861% 13862Darling: the popular form of address used in speaking to a member of the 13863opposite sex whose name you cannot at the moment remember. 13864 -- Oliver Herford 13865% 13866Darth Vader! Only you would be so bold! 13867 -- Princess Leia Organa 13868% 13869Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie. 13870% 13871DATA: 13872 An accrual of straws on the backs of theories. 13873% 13874DATA: 13875 Computerspeak for "information". Properly pronounced 13876 the way Bostonians pronounce the word for a female child. 13877% 13878David Letterman's "Things we can be proud of as Americans": 13879 13880 * Greatest number of citizens who have actually boarded a UFO 13881 * Many newspapers feature "JUMBLE" 13882 * Hourly motel rates 13883 * Vast majority of Elvis movies made here 13884 * Didn't just give up right away during World War II 13885 like some countries we could mention 13886 * Goatees & Van Dykes thought to be worn only by weenies 13887 * Our well-behaved golf professionals 13888 * Fabulous babes coast to coast 13889% 13890Davis' Law of Traffic Density: 13891 The density of rush-hour traffic is directly proportional to 13892 1.5 times the amount of extra time you allow to arrive on time. 13893% 13894Davis's Dictum: 13895 Problems that go away by themselves, come back by themselves. 13896% 13897DAWN: 13898 The time when men of reason go to bed. 13899% 13900Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed. 13901% 13902DEADWOOD: 13903 Anyone in your company who is more senior than you are. 13904% 13905Dealing with failure is easy: 13906 Work hard to improve. 13907Success is also easy to handle: 13908 You've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to improve. 13909% 13910Dealing with failure is easy: work hard to improve. 13911Success is also easy to handle: you've solved the wrong problem. Work 13912hard to improve. 13913% 13914Dealing with the problem of pure staff accumulation, 13915all our researches ... point to an average increase of 5.75% per year. 13916 -- C.N. Parkinson 13917% 13918Dear Emily: 13919 How can I choose what groups to post in? 13920 -- Confused 13921 13922Dear Confused: 13923 Pick as many as you can, so that you get the widest audience. After 13924all, the net exists to give you an audience. Ignore those who suggest you 13925should only use groups where you think the article is highly appropriate. 13926Pick all groups where anybody might even be slightly interested. 13927 Always make sure followups go to all the groups. In the rare event 13928that you post a followup which contains something original, make sure you 13929expand the list of groups. Never include a "Followup-to:" line in the 13930header, since some people might miss part of the valuable discussion in 13931the fringe groups. 13932 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 13933% 13934Dear Emily: 13935 I collected replies to an article I wrote, and now it's time to 13936summarize. What should I do? 13937 -- Editor 13938 13939Dear Editor: 13940 Simply concatenate all the articles together into a big file and post 13941that. On USENET, this is known as a summary. It lets people read all the 13942replies without annoying newsreaders getting in the way. Do the same when 13943summarizing a vote. 13944 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 13945% 13946Dear Emily: 13947 I recently read an article that said, "reply by mail, I'll summarize." 13948What should I do? 13949 -- Doubtful 13950 13951Dear Doubtful: 13952 Post your response to the whole net. That request applies only to 13953dumb people who don't have something interesting to say. Your postings are 13954much more worthwhile than other people's, so it would be a waste to reply by 13955mail. 13956 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 13957% 13958Dear Emily: 13959 I saw a long article that I wish to rebut carefully, what should 13960I do? 13961 -- Angry 13962 13963Dear Angry: 13964 Include the entire text with your article, and include your comments 13965between the lines. Be sure to post, and not mail, even though your article 13966looks like a reply to the original. Everybody *loves* to read those long 13967point-by-point debates, especially when they evolve into name-calling and 13968lots of "Is too!" -- "Is not!" -- "Is too, twizot!" exchanges. 13969 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 13970% 13971Dear Emily: 13972 I'm having a serious disagreement with somebody on the net. I 13973tried complaints to his sysadmin, organizing mail campaigns, called for 13974his removal from the net and phoning his employer to get him fired. 13975Everybody laughed at me. What can I do? 13976 -- A Concerned Citizen 13977 13978Dear Concerned: 13979 Go to the daily papers. Most modern reporters are top-notch computer 13980experts who will understand the net, and your problems, perfectly. They 13981will print careful, reasoned stories without any errors at all, and surely 13982represent the situation properly to the public. The public will also all 13983act wisely, as they are also fully cognizant of the subtle nature of net 13984society. 13985 Papers never sensationalize or distort, so be sure to point out things 13986like racism and sexism wherever they might exist. Be sure as well that they 13987understand that all things on the net, particularly insults, are meant 13988literally. Link what transpires on the net to the causes of the Holocaust, if 13989possible. If regular papers won't take the story, go to a tabloid paper -- 13990they are always interested in good stories. 13991% 13992Dear Emily: 13993 I'm still confused as to what groups articles should be posted 13994to. How about an example? 13995 -- Still Confused 13996 13997Dear Still: 13998 Ok. Let's say you want to report that Gretzky has been traded from 13999the Oilers to the Kings. Now right away you might think rec.sport.hockey 14000would be enough. WRONG. Many more people might be interested. This is a 14001big trade! Since it's a NEWS article, it belongs in the news.* hierarchy 14002as well. If you are a news admin, or there is one on your machine, try 14003news.admin. If not, use news.misc. 14004 The Oilers are probably interested in geology, so try sci.physics. 14005He is a big star, so post to sci.astro, and sci.space because they are also 14006interested in stars. Next, his name is Polish sounding. So post to 14007soc.culture.polish. But that group doesn't exist, so cross-post to 14008news.groups suggesting it should be created. With this many groups of 14009interest, your article will be quite bizarre, so post to talk.bizarre as 14010well. (And post to comp.std.mumps, since they hardly get any articles 14011there, and a "comp" group will propagate your article further.) 14012 You may also find it is more fun to post the article once in each 14013group. If you list all the newsgroups in the same article, some newsreaders 14014will only show the article to the reader once! Don't tolerate this. 14015 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 14016% 14017Dear Emily: 14018 Today I posted an article and forgot to include my signature. 14019What should I do? 14020 -- Forgetful 14021 14022Dear Forgetful: 14023 Rush to your terminal right away and post an article that says, 14024"Oops, I forgot to post my signature with that last article. Here 14025it is." 14026 Since most people will have forgotten your earlier article, 14027(particularly since it dared to be so boring as to not have a nice, juicy 14028signature) this will remind them of it. Besides, people care much more 14029about the signature anyway. 14030 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 14031% 14032Dear Emily, what about test messages? 14033 -- Concerned 14034 14035Dear Concerned: 14036 It is important, when testing, to test the entire net. Never test 14037merely a subnet distribution when the whole net can be done. Also put "please 14038ignore" on your test messages, since we all know that everybody always skips 14039a message with a line like that. Don't use a subject like "My sex is female 14040but I demand to be addressed as male." because such articles are read in depth 14041by all USEnauts. 14042 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 14043% 14044Dear Freshman, 14045 You don't know who I am and frankly shouldn't care, but 14046unknown to you we have something in common. We are both rather 14047prone to mistakes. I was elected Student Government President by 14048mistake, and you came to school here by mistake. 14049% 14050Dear Lord: 14051 I just want a one-armed manager so I 14052 never have to hear "On the other hand", again. 14053% 14054Dear Lord: Please make my words sweet and tender, for tomorrow I may 14055have to eat them. 14056% 14057Dear Miss Manners: 14058 My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's 14059elbows on the table. However, I have read that one elbow, in between 14060courses, is all right. Which is correct? 14061 14062Gentle Reader: 14063 For the purpose of answering examinations in your home 14064economics class, your teacher is correct. Catching on to this principle 14065of education may be of even greater importance to you now than learning 14066correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners believes that is. 14067% 14068Dear Miss Manners: 14069I carry a big black umbrella, even if there's just a thirty percent chance of 14070rain. May I ask a young lady who is a stranger to me to share its protection? 14071This morning, I was waiting for a bus in comparative comfort, my umbrella 14072protecting me from the downpour, and noticed an attractive young woman getting 14073soaked. I have often seen her at my bus stop, although we have never spoken, 14074and I don't even know her name. Could I have asked her to get under my 14075umbrella without seeming insulting? 14076 14077Gentle Reader: 14078Certainly. Consideration for those less fortunate than you is always proper, 14079although it would be more convincing if you stopped babbling about how 14080attractive she is. In order not to give Good Samaritanism a bad name, Miss 14081Manners asks you to allow her two or three rainy days of unmolested protection 14082before making your attack. 14083% 14084Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part of 14085this complete breakfast". The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old will be 14086watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a commercial for 14087a children's compressed breakfast compound such as "Froot Loops" or "Lucky 14088Charms", and they always show it sitting on a table next to some actual food 14089such as eggs, and the announcer always says: "Part of this complete 14090breakfast". Doesn't that really mean, "Adjacent to this complete breakfast", 14091or "On the same table as this complete breakfast"? And couldn't they make 14092essentially the same claim if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of 14093shaving cream there, or a dead bat? 14094 14095Answer: Yes. 14096 -- Dave Barry 14097% 14098Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe? 14099 14100Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business signs 14101to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a word, as in: 14102WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY ITEM'S. 14103Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when creating hand- lettered 14104small-business signs is that you should put quotation marks around random 14105words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S. 14106 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" 14107% 14108Dear Ms. Postnews: 14109 I couldn't get mail through to somebody on another site. What 14110 should I do? 14111 -- Eager Beaver 14112 14113Dear Eager: 14114 No problem, just post your message to a group that a lot of people 14115read. Say, "This is for John Smith. I couldn't get mail through so I'm 14116posting it. All others please ignore." 14117 This way tens of thousands of people will spend a few seconds scanning 14118over and ignoring your article, using up over 16 man-hours their collective 14119time, but you will be saved the terrible trouble of checking through usenet 14120maps or looking for alternate routes. Just think, if you couldn't distribute 14121your message to 9000 other computers, you might actually have to (gasp) call 14122directory assistance for 60 cents, or even phone the person. This can cost 14123as much as a few DOLLARS (!) for a 5 minute call! 14124 And certainly it's better to spend 10 to 20 dollars of other people's 14125money distributing the message than for you to have to waste $9 on an overnight 14126letter, or even 25 cents on a stamp! 14127 Don't forget. The world will end if your message doesn't get through, 14128so post it as many places as you can. 14129 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 14130% 14131Dear Sir, 14132 I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or 14133to the office, We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in public 14134places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result in the farmers 14135being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn will cause massive un- 14136employment in the already severely depressed agricultural industry. 14137 Yours faithfully, 14138 Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J.P. 14139 Sevenoaks 14140 -- Letters To The Editor, The Times of London 14141% 14142DEATH: 14143 To stop sinning suddenly. 14144 -- Elbert Hubbard 14145% 14146Death before dishonor. 14147But neither before breakfast. 14148% 14149Death comes on every passing breeze, 14150He lurks in every flower; 14151Each season has its own disease, 14152Its peril -- every hour. 14153 --Reginald Heber 14154% 14155Death has been proven to be 99% fatal in laboratory rats. 14156% 14157Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort 14158of like a shell leaving the nut behind. 14159 -- Erma Bombeck 14160% 14161Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy. 14162% 14163Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. 14164 -- R. Geis 14165% 14166Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings. 14167% 14168Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'. 14169% 14170Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down. 14171% 14172Death rays don't kill people, people kill people!! 14173% 14174DEATH WISH: 14175 The only wish that always comes true, whether or not one wishes it to. 14176% 14177Debug is human, de-fix divine. 14178% 14179DEC diagnostics would run on a dead whale. 14180 -- Mel Ferentz 14181% 14182Decemba, n: The 12th month of the year. 14183erra, n: A mistake. 14184faa, n: To, from, or at considerable distance. 14185Linder, n: A female name. 14186memba, n: To recall to the mind; think of again. 14187New Hampsha, n: A state in the northeast United States. 14188New Yaak, n: Another state in the northeast United States. 14189Novemba, n: The 11th month of the year. 14190Octoba, n: The 10th month of the year. 14191ova, n: Location above or across a specified position. What the 14192 season is when the Knicks quit playing. 14193 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary 14194% 14195DECISIONMAKER: 14196 The person in your office who was unable 14197 to form a task force before the music stopped. 14198% 14199Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really over- 14200whelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene language may 14201not be used by contestants when addressing members of the judging panel, 14202or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when addressing contestants 14203(unless struck by a boomerang). 14204 -- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing Assoc. 14205% 14206Declared guilty... of displaying feelings of an almost human nature. 14207 -- Pink Floyd, "The Wall" 14208% 14209Decorate your home. It gives the illusion 14210that your life is more interesting than it really is. 14211 -- C. Schultz 14212% 14213"Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of 14214marvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a theory", 14215quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah, those who can 14216claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly blessed. 14217 -- Randy Davis 14218% 14219DEFAULT: 14220 The hardware's, of course. 14221% 14222Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat. 14223 -- Bill Musselman 14224% 14225#define BITCOUNT(x) (((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255) 14226#define BX_(x) ((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777) \ 14227 - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333) \ 14228 - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111)) 14229 14230-- Count the number of bits in a word. 14231% 14232Deflector shields just came on, Captain. 14233% 14234(defun NF (a c) 14235 (cond ((null c) () ) 14236 ((atom (car c)) 14237 (append (list (eval (list 'getchar (list (car c) 'a) (cadr c)))) 14238 (nf a (cddr c)))) 14239 (t (append (list (implode (nf a (car c)))) (nf a (cdr c)))))) 14240 14241(defun AD (want-job challenging boston-area) 14242 (cond 14243 ((or (not (equal want-job 'yes)) 14244 (not (equal boston-area 'yes)) 14245 (lessp challenging 7)) () ) 14246 (t (append (nf (get 'ad 'expr) 14247 '((caaddr 1 caadr 2 car 1 car 1) 14248 (car 5 cadadr 9 cadadr 8 cadadr 9 caadr 4 car 2 car 1) 14249 (car 2 caadr 4))) 14250 (list '851-5071x2661))))) 14251;;; We are an affirmative action employer. 14252% 14253DEJA VU: 14254 French., already seen; unoriginal; trite. 14255 Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced 14256 something actually being encountered for the first time. 14257 Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced 14258 something actually being encountered for the first time. 14259% 14260Delay is preferable to error. 14261 -- Thomas Jefferson 14262% 14263Delay not, Caesar. Read it instantly. 14264 -- Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 3,1 14265 14266Here is a letter, read it at your leisure. 14267 -- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" 5,1 14268 14269 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 14270 referring to I/O system services.] 14271% 14272Deliberate provocation of mystical experience, particularly by LSD and 14273related hallucinogens, in contrast to spontaneous visionary experiences, 14274entails dangers that must not be underestimated. Practitioners must take 14275into account the peculiar effects of these substances, namely their ability 14276to influence our consciousness, the innermost essence of our being. The 14277history of LSD to date amply demonstrates the catastrophic consequences that 14278can ensue when its profound effect is misjudged and the substance is mistaken 14279for a pleasure drug. Special internal and external advance preparations 14280are required; with them, an LSD experiment can become a meaningful experience. 14281 -- Dr. Albert Hoffman, the discoverer of LSD 14282 14283I believe that if people would learn to use LSD's vision-inducing capability 14284more wisely, under suitable conditions, in medical practice and in conjunction 14285with meditation, then in the future this problem child could become a wonder 14286child. 14287 -- Dr. Albert Hoffman 14288% 14289DELIBERATION: 14290 The act of examining one's bread 14291 to determine which side it is buttered on. 14292% 14293Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow. 14294% 14295Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever 14296skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but oblivious 14297to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, and due to an 14298overdose of flouride as a child which caused her to suffer from chronic 14299apathy, doomed herself to lie forever on the floor of her life as useless 14300as an appendix and as lonely as a five-hundred pound barbell in a 14301steroid-free fitness center. 14302 -- Winning sentence, 1990 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. 14303% 14304Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about 14305her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad 14306nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth. 14307% 14308Democracy becomes a government of bullies, tempered by editors. 14309 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 14310% 14311Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder 14312aloud what the country could do under first-class management. 14313 -- Senator Soaper 14314% 14315Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the 14316incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few. 14317 -- G.B. Shaw 14318% 14319Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who 14320will get the blame. 14321 -- Laurence J. Peter 14322% 14323Democracy is also a form of worship. 14324It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses. 14325 -- H.L. Mencken 14326% 14327Democracy is the name we give the people whenever we need them. 14328 -- Arman de Caillavet, 1913 14329% 14330Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half 14331of the people are right more than half of the time. 14332 -- E.B. White 14333% 14334Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and 14335deserve to get it good and hard. 14336 -- H.L. Mencken, "Little Book in C major", 1916 14337% 14338Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other 14339forms that have been tried from time to time. 14340 -- Winston Churchill 14341% 14342Democracy, n: 14343 A government of the masses. Authority derived through mass meeting 14344or any other form of direct expression. Results in mobocracy. Attitude 14345toward property is communistic... negating property rights. Attitude toward 14346law is that the will of the majority shall regulate, whether it is based 14347upon deliberation or governed by passion, prejudice, and impulse, without 14348restraint or regard to consequences. Result is demagogism, license, 14349agitation, discontent, anarchy. 14350 -- U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932), 14351 since withdrawn. 14352% 14353Democracy, n: 14354 In which you say what you like and do what you're told. 14355 -- Gerald Barry 14356 14357The difference between a Democracy and a Dictatorship is that in a 14358Democracy you vote first and take orders later; in a Dictatorship 14359you don't have to waste your time voting. 14360 -- Charles Bukowski 14361% 14362Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere. 14363Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group. 14364 14365Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA. 14366The remainder is thrown out. 14367 14368Republicans usually wear hats and almost always clean their paint brushes. 14369 14370Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper. 14371Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage. 14372 14373Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car 14374windows by Democrats. 14375 -- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules" 14376% 14377Dental health is next to mental health. 14378% 14379Dentist: 14380 A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, 14381 pulls coins out of one's pockets. 14382 -- Ambrose Bierce 14383% 14384Denver, n: 14385 A smallish city located just below the `O' in Colorado. 14386% 14387Depart in pieces, i.e., split. 14388% 14389Depart not from the path which fate has assigned you. 14390% 14391Department chairmen never die, they just lose their faculties. 14392% 14393Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, 14394but remember, it didn't help the rabbit. 14395 -- R.E. Shay 14396% 14397Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face. 14398% 14399Der Horizont vieler Menschen ist ein Kreis mit Radius Null - 14400und das nennen sie ihren Standpunkt. 14401% 14402Design: 14403 What you regret not doing later on. 14404% 14405design, v: 14406 What you regret not doing later on. 14407% 14408Desist from enumerating your fowl 14409prior to their emergence from the shell. 14410% 14411Despite all appearances, your boss 14412is a thinking, feeling, human being. 14413% 14414Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will 14415be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over 14416the table. 14417 -- The Anarchist Cookbook 14418% 14419Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't, 14420don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck. 14421 -- Joseph Heller, "God Knows" 14422% 14423Detroit is Cleveland without the glitter. 14424% 14425DeVries' Dilemma: 14426 If you hit two keys on the typewriter, 14427 the one you don't want hits the paper. 14428% 14429Dianetics is a milestone for man comparable to his discovery of 14430fire and superior to his invention of the wheel and the arch. 14431 -- L. Ron Hubbard 14432% 14433Dibble's First Law of Sociology: 14434 Some do, some don't. 14435% 14436Did it ever occur to you that fat chance 14437and slim chance mean the same thing? 14438 14439Or that we drive on parkways and park on driveways? 14440% 14441Did you ever notice that everyone in favour of birth control 14442has already been born? 14443 -- Benny Hill 14444% 14445Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think 14446that's how dogs spend their lives. 14447 -- Sue Murphy 14448% 14449Did you ever wonder what you'd say to God if He sneezed? 14450% 14451"Did YOU find a DIGITAL WATCH in YOUR box of VELVEETA?" 14452 -- Zippy the Pinhead 14453% 14454Did you hear about the model who sat 14455on a broken bottle and cut a nice figure? 14456% 14457Did you hear that Captain Crunch, Sugar Bear, Tony the Tiger, and 14458Snap, Crackle and Pop were all murdered recently... 14459 14460Police suspect the work of a cereal killer! 14461% 14462Did you hear that there's a group of South American Indians that worship 14463the number zero? 14464 14465Is nothing sacred? 14466% 14467Did you hear that two rabbits escaped from the zoo and so far they have 14468only recaptured 116 of them? 14469% 14470Did you know? 14471 EVERY TIME A LOAF OF BREAD IS BAKED, 14472 APPROXIMATELY 14473 150,000,000 YEASTS ARE 14474 KILLED 14475 14476 Come to the award-winning 1987 film, 14477 "The Very Small and Quiet Screams" 14478 -- a cinematic electromicrograph of yeasts being baked. 14479 14480A must for those who care about yeast, and especially for those who don't. 14481 14482 SPONSORED BY 14483 Brown Anaerobe Rights Coalition (BARC) 14484 Student Bakers for Social Responsibility 14485 Coalition for the ELevation of Life (CELL) 14486 Campus Crusade for Fetal Matters 14487 14488Defend all life: "From greatest to least, from human to yeast!" 14489% 14490Did you know about the -o option of the fortune program? It makes a 14491selection from a set of offensive and/or obscene fortunes. Why not 14492try it, and see how offended you are? The -a ("all") option will 14493select a fortune at random from either the offensive or inoffensive 14494set, and it is suggested that "fortune -a" is the command that you 14495should have in your .profile or .cshrc. file. 14496% 14497Did you know that clones never use mirrors? 14498% 14499Did you know that for the price of a 280-Z you can buy two Z-80's? 14500 -- P.J. Plauger 14501% 14502Did you know the University of Iowa 14503closed down after someone stole the book? 14504% 14505Did you know.... 14506 14507That no-one ever reads these things? 14508% 14509Didja' ever have to make up your mind, 14510Pick up on one and leave the other behind, 14511It's not often easy, and it's not often kind, 14512Didja' ever have to make up your mind? 14513 -- Lovin' Spoonful 14514% 14515Didja hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa? 14516% 14517"Didn't I buy a 1951 Packard from you last March in Cairo?" 14518 -- Zippy the Pinhead 14519% 14520Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore 14521would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him. 14522 -- John Barrymore's dying words 14523% 14524Diet Mountain Dew has the same pH and density of urine. 14525 -- Newsweek, 31 July, 1989 14526% 14527Dieters live life in the fasting lane. 14528% 14529Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little. 14530% 14531Digital circuits are made from analog parts. 14532 -- Don Vonada 14533% 14534Dignity is like a flag. 14535It flaps in a storm. 14536 -- Roy Mengot 14537% 14538Dime is money. 14539% 14540Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term, convertible 14541only through the use of weird and unnatural conversion factors. Velocity, 14542for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight. 14543% 14544Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off. 14545% 14546Dinner suggestion #302 (Hacker's De-lite): 14547 1 tin imported Brisling sardines in tomato sauce 14548 1 pouch Chocolate Malt Carnation Instant Breakfast 14549 1 carton milk 14550% 14551Dinosaurs aren't extinct. They've just learned to hide in the trees. 14552% 14553Diogenes, having abandoned his search for 14554truth, is now searching for a good fantasy. 14555% 14556Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone 14557asked him, after a few days. 14558 "Not too bad", replied Diogenes. "I still have my lantern." 14559% 14560Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century. 14561Politics is about surviving until Friday afternoon. 14562 -- Sir Humphrey Appleby 14563% 14564Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way. 14565% 14566Diplomacy is the art of letting the other party have things your way. 14567 -- Daniele Vare 14568% 14569Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock. 14570 -- Wynn Catlin 14571% 14572Diplomacy is to do and say, the nastiest thing in the nicest way. 14573 -- Balfour 14574% 14575diplomacy, n: 14576 Lying in state. 14577% 14578Dirksen's Three Laws of Politics: 14579 14580 1: Get elected. 14581 2: Get re-elected. 14582 3: Don't get mad, get even. 14583 -- Sen. Everett Dirksen 14584% 14585disbar, n: 14586 As distinguished from some other bar. 14587% 14588Disc space -- the final frontier! 14589% 14590DISCLAIMER: 14591Use of this advanced computing technology does not imply 14592an endorsement of Western industrial civilization. 14593% 14594Disclose classified information only when a NEED TO KNOW exists. 14595% 14596Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art. 14597% 14598Disease can be cured; fate is incurable. 14599 -- Chinese proverb 14600% 14601Dishonor will not trouble me, once I am dead. 14602 -- Euripides 14603% 14604Disk crisis, please clean up! 14605% 14606Disks travel in packs. 14607% 14608Disraeli was pretty close: actually, there are Lies, Damn lies, Statistics, 14609Benchmarks, and Delivery dates. 14610% 14611Distance doesn't make you any smaller, 14612but it does make you part of a larger picture. 14613% 14614DISTRESS: 14615 A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend. 14616% 14617Distrust all those who love you extremely upon a very slight 14618acquaintance and without any visible reason. 14619 -- Lord Chesterfield 14620% 14621Ditat Deus. (God enriches.) 14622% 14623Divorce is a game played by lawyers. 14624 -- Cary Grant 14625% 14626Do clones have navels? 14627% 14628Do I like getting drunk? Depends on who's doing the drinking. 14629 -- Amy Gorin 14630% 14631Do Miami a favor. When you leave, take someone with you. 14632% 14633Do molecular biologists wear designer genes? 14634% 14635Do more than anyone expects, and pretty soon everyone will expect more. 14636% 14637Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them. 14638% 14639Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses. 14640% 14641Do not count your chickens before they are hatched. 14642 -- Aesop 14643% 14644Do not despair of life. You have no doubt force enough to overcome 14645your obstacles. Think of the fox prowling through wood and field in 14646a winter night for something to satisfy his hunger. Notwithstanding 14647cold and hounds and traps, his race survives. I do not believe any 14648of them ever committed suicide. 14649 -- Henry David Thoreau 14650% 14651Do not do unto others as you would they should do unto you. 14652Their tastes may not be the same. 14653 -- George Bernard Shaw 14654% 14655Do not drink coffee in early A.M. It will keep you awake until noon. 14656% 14657Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy. 14658 -- Robert Heinlein 14659% 14660Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to anger. 14661% 14662Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, 14663for they become soggy and hard to light. 14664 14665Do not throw cigarette butts in the urinal, 14666for they are subtle and quick to anger. 14667% 14668Do not overtax your powers. 14669% 14670Do not read this fortune under penalty of law. 14671Violators will be prosecuted. 14672(Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.)) 14673% 14674Do not seek death; death will find you. 14675But seek the road which makes death a fulfillment. 14676 -- Dag Hammarskjold 14677% 14678Do not simplify the design of a program if a way 14679can be found to make it complex and wonderful. 14680% 14681Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight. 14682% 14683Do not stoop to tie your laces in your neighbor's melon patch. 14684% 14685Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out of it alive. 14686% 14687Do not think by infection, catching an opinion like a cold. 14688% 14689Do not try to solve all life's problems at once -- 14690learn to dread each day as it comes. 14691 -- Donald Kaul 14692% 14693Do not underestimate the power of the Farce. 14694% 14695Do not underestimate the power of the Force. 14696% 14697Do not use that foreign word "ideals". We have that excellent native 14698word "lies". 14699 -- Henrik Ibsen, "The Wild Duck" 14700% 14701Do not use the blue keys on this terminal. 14702% 14703Do not worry about which side your 14704bread is buttered on: you eat BOTH sides. 14705% 14706Do nothing unless you must, and when you must act -- hesitate. 14707% 14708Do, or do not; there is no try. 14709% 14710Do people know you have freckles everywhere? 14711% 14712Do something unusual today. Pay a bill. 14713% 14714Do students of Zen Buddhism do Om-work? 14715% 14716Do unto others before they undo you. 14717% 14718Do what comes naturally. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum. 14719% 14720Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law. 14721 -- Aleister Crowley 14722% 14723Do what you can to prolong your life, 14724in the hope that someday you'll learn what it's for. 14725% 14726Do you believe in intuition? 14727No, but I have a strange feeling that someday I will. 14728% 14729Do you feel personally responsible for the world food shortage? 14730Every time you go to the beach, does the tide come in? 14731Have you ever eaten an entire moose? 14732Can you see your neck? 14733Do joggers take laps around you for exercise? 14734If so, welcome to National Fat Week. 14735This week we'll eat without guilt, and kick off our membership campaign, 14736 ...by force-feeding a box of cornstarch to a skinny person. 14737 -- Garfield 14738% 14739Do you guys know what you're doing, or are you just hacking? 14740% 14741Do YOU have redeeming social value? 14742% 14743Do you know, I think that Dr. Swift was silly to laugh about Laputa. 14744I believe it is a mistake to make a mock of people, just because they 14745think. There are ninety thousand people in this world who do not 14746think, for every one who does, and these people hate the thinkers 14747like poison. Even if some thinkers are fanciful, it is wrong to make 14748fun of them for it. Better to think about cucumbers even, than not 14749to think at all. 14750 -- T.H. White 14751% 14752Do you know Montana? 14753% 14754Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education 14755is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't. 14756 -- Pete Seeger 14757% 14758Do you mean that you not only want a wrong 14759answer, but a certain wrong answer? 14760 -- Tobaben 14761% 14762Do you realize the responsibility I carry? I'm the only person standing 14763between Nixon and the White House. 14764 -- John F. Kennedy, in 1960 14765% 14766Do you suffer painful elimination? 14767 -- Don Knuth, "Structured Programming with Gotos" 14768 14769Do you suffer painful recrimination? 14770 -- Nancy Boxer, "Structured Programming with Come-froms" 14771 14772Do you suffer painful illumination? 14773 -- Isaac Newton, "Optics" 14774 14775Do you suffer painful hallucination? 14776 -- Don Juan, cited by Carlos Casteneda 14777% 14778Do you think that illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? 14779% 14780Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he 14781just whipped out a quarter? 14782 -- Stephen Wright 14783% 14784"Do you think there's a God?" 14785"Well, SOMEbody's out to get me!" 14786 -- Calvin and Hobbs 14787% 14788"Do you think what we're doing is wrong?" 14789"Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!" 14790"I've never done anything illegal before." 14791"I thought you said you were an accountant!" 14792% 14793Do you think your mother and I should have lived 14794comfortably so long together if ever we had been married? 14795% 14796Do you want to know what's ahead for you, in your happiness at home, 14797your business success? Here's a telling test: Look in the mirror. Is 14798your skin smooth and lovely, your hair gleaming, your make-up glamorous? 14799Are you slender enough for your height? Do you stand erect, confident? 14800Yes? Then you are on your way to success as a woman. 14801 -- Ladies Home Journal, 1947 advertisement 14802% 14803Do your otters do the shimmy? 14804Do they like to shake their tails? 14805Do your wombats sleep in tophats? 14806Is your garden full of snails? 14807% 14808Do your part to help preserve life on 14809Earth -- by trying to preserve your own. 14810% 14811Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with 14812little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives. 14813 -- Roy G. Blount, Jr. 14814% 14815Documentation: 14816 Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for English 14817 speaking persons. 14818% 14819Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must 14820be good because the programmers hate it so much. 14821% 14822Documentation is the castor oil of programming. 14823Managers know it must be good because the programmers hate it so much. 14824% 14825Does a good farmer neglect a crop he has planted? 14826Does a good teacher overlook even the most humble student? 14827Does a good father allow a single child to starve? 14828Does a good programmer refuse to maintain his code? 14829 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 14830% 14831Does a one-legged duck swim in a circle? 14832% 14833Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? 14834% 14835Dogs just don't seem to be able to tell the difference between important people 14836and the rest of us. 14837% 14838Doin' it in the dark, down in Rock Creek Park. 14839% 14840Doing gets it done. 14841% 14842Domestic happiness and faithful friends. 14843% 14844Don 14845Ameche: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill! 14846 Was she pretty? 14847W.C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of 14848 bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have 14849 to sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia. 14850Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative. 14851W.C.: It's almost impossible. 14852 -- W.C. Fields, "The Further Adventures of Larson E. 14853 Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles" 14854% 14855Don't abandon hope. 14856Your Captain Midnight decoder ring arrives tomorrow. 14857% 14858Don't assume that every sad-eyed woman has loved and lost -- she may 14859have got him. 14860% 14861Don't be concerned, it will not harm you, 14862It's only me pursuing something I'm not sure of, 14863Across my dreams, with neptive wonder, 14864I chase the bright elusive butterfly of love. 14865% 14866Don't be humble, you're not that great. 14867 -- Golda Meir 14868% 14869Don't be humble, you're not that great. 14870 -- Golda Meir 14871% 14872Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't 14873be replaced, you cannot be promoted. 14874% 14875Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 14876% 14877Don't be overly suspicious where it's not warranted. 14878% 14879Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say. 14880% 14881Don't buy a landslide. I don't want to have to pay for one more vote 14882than I have to. 14883 -- Joseph P. Kennedy, on JFK's election strategy. 14884% 14885Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality. 14886% 14887Don't confuse things that need action 14888with those that take care of themselves. 14889% 14890Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today! 14891% 14892Don't crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers! 14893 -- Firesign Theatre 14894% 14895Don't despair; your ideal lover is waiting for you around the corner. 14896% 14897Don't despise your poor relations, they may become suddenly rich one day. 14898 -- Josh Billings 14899% 14900Don't do the crime, if you can't do the time. 14901 -- Lt. Col. Ollie North 14902% 14903Don't do unto others as you would they should do unto you. 14904Their tastes may not be the same. 14905 -- G.B. Shaw 14906% 14907Don't drink when you drive -- you might hit a bump and spill it. 14908% 14909Don't drop acid -- take it pass/fail. 14910 -- Seen in a Ladies Room at Harvard 14911% 14912Don't eat yellow snow. 14913% 14914Don't ever slam a door; you might want to go back. 14915% 14916Don't everyone thank me at once! 14917 -- Han Solo 14918% 14919Don't expect people to keep in step-- 14920it's hard enough just staying in line. 14921% 14922Don't feed the bats tonight. 14923% 14924Don't force it, get a larger hammer. 14925 -- Anthony 14926% 14927Don't get even, get odd. 14928% 14929Don't get mad, get even. 14930 -- Joseph P. Kennedy 14931 14932Don't get even, get jewelry. 14933 -- Anonymous 14934% 14935Don't get mad, get interest. 14936% 14937Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out. 14938% 14939Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they 14940can be terribly misleading. Debug only code. 14941 -- Dave Storer 14942% 14943Don't get to bragging. 14944% 14945Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. 14946The world owes you nothing. It was here first. 14947 -- Mark Twain 14948% 14949Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while. 14950% 14951Don't go to bed with no price on your head. 14952 -- Baretta 14953% 14954Don't guess - check your security regulations. 14955% 14956Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon. 14957% 14958Don't have good ideas if you aren't willing to be responsible for them. 14959% 14960Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts. 14961% 14962Don't I know you? 14963% 14964Don't interfere with the stranger's style. 14965% 14966Don't just eat a hamburger; eat the HELL out of it. 14967 -- J.R. "Bob" Dobbs 14968% 14969Don't kid yourself. Little is relevant, and nothing lasts forever. 14970% 14971Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today. 14972% 14973Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam. 14974% 14975Don't know what time I'll be back, Mom. 14976Probably soon after she throws me out. 14977% 14978Don't let go of what you've got hold of, 14979until you have hold of something else. 14980 -- First Rule of Wing Walking 14981% 14982Don't let nobody tell you what you cannot do; 14983don't let nobody tell you what's impossible for you; 14984don't let nobody tell you what you got to do, 14985or you'll never know ... what's on the other side of the rainbow... 14986remember, if you don't follow your dreams, 14987you'll never know what's on the other side of the rainbow... 14988 -- melba moore, "the other side of the rainbow" 14989% 14990Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance. 14991% 14992Don't let your status become too quo! 14993% 14994Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you. 14995% 14996Don't look back, the lemmings might be gaining on you. 14997% 14998Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you. 14999% 15000Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder. 15001% 15002Don't lose 15003Your head 15004To gain a minute 15005You need your head 15006Your brains are in it. 15007 -- Burma Shave 15008% 15009Don't make a big deal out of everything; just deal with everything. 15010% 15011Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. 15012 -- Scottish Proverb 15013% 15014Don't mind him; politicians always sound like that. 15015% 15016Don't plan any hasty moves. 15017You'll be evicted soon anyway. 15018% 15019Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today because 15020if you do it today, you can do it again tomorrow. 15021% 15022Don't put too fine a point to your wit for fear it should get blunted. 15023 -- Miguel de Cervantes 15024% 15025Don't quit now, we might just as well 15026lock the door and throw away the key. 15027% 15028Don't read any sky-writing for the next two weeks. 15029% 15030Don't read everything you believe. 15031% 15032Don't relax! It's only your tension that's holding you together. 15033% 15034Don't remember what you can infer. 15035 -- Harry Tennant 15036% 15037Don't say "yes" until I finish talking. 15038 -- Darryl F. Zanuck 15039% 15040Don't shoot until you're sure you both aren't on the same side. 15041% 15042Don't shout for help at night. You might wake your neighbors. 15043 -- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts" 15044% 15045Don't smoke the next cigarette. Repeat. 15046% 15047Don't speak about Time, until you have spoken to him. 15048% 15049Don't steal... the IRS hates competition! 15050% 15051Don't stop to stomp ants when the elephants are stampeding. 15052% 15053Don't sweat it -- it's only ones and zeros. 15054 -- P. Skelly 15055% 15056Don't take a nickel, just hand them your business card. 15057 -- Richard Daley, advising on the safe enjoyment of graft 15058% 15059Don't take life seriously, you'll never get out alive. 15060% 15061Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum, 15062sodomy and the lash. 15063 -- Winston Churchill 15064% 15065Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective. 15066% 15067Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done. 15068 -- James J. Ling 15069% 15070Don't tell me that worry doesn't do any good. 15071I know better. The things I worry about don't happen. 15072 -- Watchman Examiner 15073% 15074Don't tell me what you dream'd last night for I've been reading Freud. 15075% 15076Don't try to have the last word -- you might get it. 15077 -- Lazarus Long 15078% 15079Don't try to outweird me, three-eyes. I get stranger things than you free 15080with my breakfast cereal. 15081 -- Zaphod Beeblebrox 15082% 15083Don't vote - it only encourages them! 15084% 15085Don't wake me up too soon... 15086Gonna take a ride across the moon... 15087You and me. 15088% 15089Don't worry. Life's too long. 15090 -- Vincent Sardi, Jr. 15091% 15092Don't worry -- the brontosaurus is slow, stupid, and placid. 15093% 15094Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas 15095are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats. 15096 -- Howard Aiken 15097% 15098Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. 15099It's already tomorrow in Australia. 15100 -- Charles Schultz 15101% 15102Don't Worry, Be Happy. 15103 -- Meher Baba 15104% 15105Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, 15106you can always take something for it. 15107% 15108Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. 15109They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them. 15110% 15111Don't worry so loud, your roommate can't think. 15112% 15113Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in? 15114% 15115"Don't you think what we're doing is wrong?" 15116"Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!" 15117"Well, I've never done anything illegal before." 15118"... I thought you said you were an accountant." 15119% 15120Don't you wish that all the people who sincerely 15121want to help you could agree with each other? 15122% 15123Don't you wish you had more energy... or less ambition? 15124% 15125Dope will get you through times of no money better that money will get 15126you through times of no dope. 15127 -- Gilbert Shelton 15128% 15129Dorothy: But how can you talk without a brain? 15130Scarecrow: Well, I don't know... but some people 15131 without brains do an awful lot of talking. 15132 -- The Wizard of Oz 15133% 15134Double! 15135% 15136Double Bucky, you're the one, 15137You make my keyboard so much fun, 15138Double Bucky, an additional bit or two, (Vo-vo-de-o) 15139Control and meta, side by side, 15140Augmented ASCII, 9 bits wide! 15141Double Bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few! 15142 15143Oh, I sure wish that I, 15144Had a couple of bits more! 15145Perhaps a set of pedals to make the number of bits four. 15146 15147Double Double Bucky! Double Bucky left and right 15148OR'd together, outta sight! 15149Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of, 15150Double Bucky, I'm happy I heard of, 15151Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of you! 15152 -- to Nicholas Wirth, who suggested that an extra bit 15153 be added to terminal codes on 36-bit machines for use 15154 by screen editors. [to the tune of "Rubber Ducky"] 15155% 15156double-blind Experiment, n: 15157 An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is 15158fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied 15159by a strong belief in the tooth fairy. 15160% 15161Doubt is a not a pleasant mental state, but certainty is a ridiculous one. 15162 -- Voltaire 15163% 15164Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd. 15165 -- Voltaire 15166% 15167Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith. 15168 -- Paul Tillich, German theologian. 15169% 15170Down to the Banana Republics, 15171Down to the tropical sun. 15172Go the expatriated Americans, 15173Hoping to find some fun. 15174Some of them go for the sailing, 15175Caught by the lure of the sea. 15176Trying to find what is ailing, 15177Living in the land of the free. 15178Some of them are running from lovers, 15179Leaving no forward address. 15180Some of them are running tons of ganja, 15181Some are running from the IRS. 15182Late at night you will find them, 15183In the cheap hotels and bars. 15184Hustling the senoritas, 15185While they dance beneath the stars. 15186 -- Jimmy Buffet, "Banana Republics" 15187% 15188Down with the categorical imperative! 15189% 15190Dow's Law: 15191 In a hierarchical organization, 15192 the higher the level, the greater the confusion. 15193% 15194Dozens of bears are found dead in Alaska and Canada every summer, killed 15195by blood lost to the voracious mosquito. The estimated life-expectancy 15196of a naked man on the tundra in summer is about 15 minutes. In that 15197time, approximately 250,000 mosquitoes would have drawn enough blood to 15198kill him. 15199 -- Gus McLeavy, "Day-by-Day Trivia Almanac" 15200% 15201Dr. Fritzkee's Lucky Astrology Diet 15202 15203The problem with the diets of today is that most women who do achieve 15204that magic weight, seventy-six pounds, are still fat. Dr. Fritzkee's 15205Lucky Astrology Diet is a sure-fire method of reducing with the added 15206luxury that you never feel hungry. 15207 15208Here's how the diet works: 15209 15210 FOODS ALLOWED 15211First Month: One egg 15212Second Month: A raisin 15213Third Month: Pumpkin pie with whipped cream and chocolate sauce. 15214 15215If after the third month you haven't gotten to your dream weight, try 15216lopping off parts of your body until those scales tip just right for you. 15217% 15218Dr. Jekyll had something to Hyde. 15219% 15220Dr. Livingston? 15221Dr. Livingston I. Presume? 15222% 15223Draft beer, not people. 15224% 15225Drakenberg's Discovery: 15226 If you can't seem to find your glasses, 15227 it's probably because you don't have them on. 15228% 15229Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. 15230% 15231Dreams are free, but there's a small charge for alterations. 15232% 15233Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time. 15234% 15235Drew's Law of Highway Biology: 15236 The first bug to hit a clean windshield 15237 lands directly in front of your eyes. 15238% 15239Drilling for oil is boring. 15240% 15241Drink and dance and laugh and lie 15242Love, the reeling midnight through 15243For tomorrow we shall die! 15244(But, alas, we never do.) 15245 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Flaw in Paganism" 15246% 15247Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it *is* fun trying. 15248% 15249Drinking coffee for instant relaxation? That's like drinking alcohol for 15250instant motor skills. 15251 -- Marc Price 15252% 15253Drinking is not a spectator sport. 15254 -- Jim Brosnan 15255% 15256Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin 15257with, that it's compounding a felony. 15258 -- Robert Benchley 15259% 15260Drinking when we are not thirsty and making love at all seasons, madam: 15261that is all there is to distinguish us from the other animals. 15262 -- Pierre de Beaumarchais, "Le Marriage de Figaro" 15263% 15264Drive defensively, buy a tank. 15265% 15266Driving in Texas is simple. For the first 100 miles you swerve to 15267avoid jackrabbits. For the second 100 miles you hit whatever 15268jackrabbits get in the way. After that you chase off into the 15269brush after them. 15270% 15271Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly pointed out 15272of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening sight I have ever 15273seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing more alarming than a 15274priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand on the child's shoulder. 15275"Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning out of the car. "Run for your 15276life!" 15277% 15278Drop that pickle! 15279% 15280DROP THE DAMN BEAR!!! 15281 -- The Adventurer 15282% 15283Drop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past. 15284 -- The Adventurer 15285% 15286drug, n: 15287 A substance that, when injected into a rat, produces a scientific 15288 paper. 15289% 15290Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route! 15291% 15292Drunks are rarely amusing unless they know some good songs and lose a 15293lot a poker. 15294 -- Karyl Roosevelt 15295% 15296Ducharme's Precept: 15297 Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. 15298 15299Ducharme's Axiom: 15300 If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize 15301 yourself as part of the problem. 15302% 15303Duckies are fun! 15304% 15305Ducks? What ducks?? 15306% 15307Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, 15308and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. 15309 -- Carl Zwanzig 15310% 15311Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the 15312production of great leaders has been discontinued. 15313% 15314Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your 15315fate and captain of your soul. 15316% 15317Due to circumstances beyond your control, 15318you are master of your fate and captain of your soul. 15319% 15320Dungeons and Dragons is just a lot of Saxon Violence. 15321% 15322During almost fifteen centuries the legal establishment of Christianity has 15323been upon trial. What has been its fruits? More or less, in all places, 15324pride and indolence in the clergy; ignorance and servility in the laity,; 15325in both, superstition, bigotry, and persecution. 15326 -- James Madison 15327% 15328During the next two hours, the VAX will be going up and down 15329several times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_~ 15330{o[po ~poodsou>#w4k**n~po_~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o 15331% 15332During the Reagan-Mondale debates: 15333 15334Q: "Do you feel that a person's age affects his ability to 15335 perform as president?" 15336Reagan: "I refuse to make an issue out of my opponent's youth and 15337 inexperience." 15338% 15339During the voyage of life, remember to keep an eye out for a 15340fair wind; batten down during a storm; hail all passing ships; 15341and fly your colors proudly. 15342% 15343Dustin Farnum: Why, yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats! 15344Oliver Herford: Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of it! 15345 -- Brian Herbert, "Classic Comebacks" 15346% 15347Duty, n: 15348 What one expects from others. 15349 -- Oscar Wilde 15350% 15351Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. My advice to you is to have 15352nothing whatever to do with it. 15353 -- W. Somerset Maughm, his last words 15354% 15355Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult. 15356 -- Actor Edmond Gween, on his deathbed. 15357% 15358Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. 15359 -- Woody Allen 15360% 15361E = MC ** 2 +- 3db 15362% 15363E Pluribus UNIX. 15364% 15365Each man is his own prisoner, in solitary confinement for life. 15366% 15367Each new user of a new system uncovers a new class of bugs. 15368 -- Kernighan 15369% 15370Each of these cults correspond to one of the two antagonists in the age of 15371Reformation. In the realm of the Apple Macintosh, as in Catholic Europe, 15372worshipers peer devoutly into screens filled with "icons." All is sound and 15373imagery and Appledom. Even words look like decorative filigrees in exotic 15374typefaces. The greatest icon of all, the inviolable Apple itself, stands in 15375the dominate position at the upper-left corner of the screen. A central 15376corporate headquarters decrees the form of all rites and practices. 15377Infalliable doctrine issues from one executive officer whose selection occurs 15378in a sealed boardroom. Should anyone in his curia question his powers, the 15379offender is excommunicated into outer darkness. The expelled heretic founds 15380a new company, mutters obscurely of the coming age and the next computer, 15381then disappears into silence, taking his stockholders with him. The mother 15382company forbids financial competition as sternly as it stifles ideological 15383competition; if you want to use computer programs that conform to Apple's 15384orthodoxy, you must buy a computer made and sold by Apple itself. 15385 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988 15386% 15387Each of us bears his own Hell. 15388 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) 15389% 15390Each person has the right to take part in the management of public affairs 15391in his country, provided he has prior experience, a will to succeed, a 15392university degree, influential parents, good looks, a curriculum vitae, two 153933 X 4 snapshots, and a good tax record. 15394% 15395Each person has the right to take the subway. 15396% 15397EARL GREY PROFILES 15398 15399NAME: Jean-Luc Perriwinkle Picard 15400OCCUPATION: Starship Big Cheese 15401AGE: 94 15402BIRTHPLACE: Paris, Terra Sector 15403EYES: Grey 15404SKIN: Tanned 15405HAIR: Not much 15406LAST MAGAZINE READ: 15407 Lobes 'n' Probes, the Ferengi-Betazoid Sex Quarterly 15408TEA: Earl Grey. Hot. 15409 15410EARL GREY NEVER VARIES. 15411% 15412Earl Wiener, 55, a University of Miami professor of management 15413science, telling the Airline Pilots Association (in jest) about 1541421st century aircraft: 15415 15416 "The crew will consist of one pilot and a dog. The pilot will 15417 nurture and feed the dog. The dog will be there to bite the 15418 pilot if he touches anything. 15419 -- Fortune, Sept. 26, 1988 15420% 15421Early to bed and early to rise and you'll 15422be groggy when everyone else is wide awake. 15423% 15424Early to rise and early to bed makes 15425a man healthy and wealthy and dead. 15426 -- James Thurber 15427% 15428Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends. 15429% 15430Earth Destroyed by Solar Flare -- film clips at eleven. 15431% 15432/earth: file system full. 15433% 15434/Earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can. 15435% 15436Earth is a great funhouse without the fun. 15437 -- Jeff Berner 15438% 15439Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube: Black. 15440 15441Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the cube, and each of 15442side of the cube will now be the original color of the plastic underneath 15443-- black. According to the instructions, this means the puzzle is solved. 15444% 15445Easy come and easy go, 15446 some call me easy money, 15447Sometimes life is full of laughs, 15448 and sometimes it ain't funny 15449You may think that I'm a fool 15450 and sometimes that is true, 15451But I'm goin' to heaven in a flash of fire, 15452 with or without you. 15453 -- Hoyt Axton 15454% 15455Eat as much as you like -- just don't swallow it. 15456 -- Harry Secombe's diet 15457% 15458Eat drink and be merry! Tommorrow you may be in Utah. 15459% 15460Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow we diet. 15461% 15462Eat one live frog the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will 15463happen to either of you for the rest of the day. 15464% 15465Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse 15466will happen to you the rest of the day. 15467 15468[Well, actually, to either of you... Ed.] 15469% 15470Eat right, stay fit, and die anyway. 15471% 15472Eat the rich, the poor are tough and stringy. 15473% 15474Eating chocolate is like being in love without the aggravation. 15475% 15476Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists. 15477 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 15478% 15479economics, n.: 15480 Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J.K. Galbraith. 15481 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 15482% 15483Economies of scale: 15484 The notion that bigger is better. In particular, that if you want 15485 a certain amount of computer power, it is much better to buy one 15486 biggie than a bunch of smallies. Accepted as an article of faith 15487 by people who love big machines and all that complexity. Rejected 15488 as an article of faith by those who love small machines and all 15489 those limitations. 15490% 15491economist, n: 15492 Someone who's good with figures, but doesn't have enough 15493 personality to become an accountant. 15494% 15495Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy would 15496turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it hasn't. 15497 -- Robert Orben 15498% 15499Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a 15500percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor. 15501 -- Edgar R. Fiedler 15502% 15503Editing is a rewording activity. 15504% 15505Education and religion are two things not regulated by supply and 15506demand. The less of either the people have, the less they want. 15507 -- Charlotte Observer, 1897 15508% 15509Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to 15510time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught. 15511 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Critic as Artist" 15512% 15513Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know. 15514 -- Daniel J. Boorstin 15515% 15516Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine. 15517 -- Irwin Edman 15518% 15519Education is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten. 15520 -- B.F. Skinner 15521% 15522Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead 15523to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters 15524of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with 15525royal-blue chickens. 15526 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 15527% 15528Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, 15529The spirits are about to speak... 15530% 15531Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks. 15532 -- Adlai Stevenson 15533% 15534Ego sum ens omnipotens 15535% 15536Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature 15537to relieve the pain of being a damned fool. 15538 -- Bellamy Brooks 15539% 15540Egotism is the anesthetic which numbs the pain of stupidity. 15541% 15542Egotism, n: 15543 Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen. 15544 15545Egotist, n: 15546 A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me. 15547 -- Ambrose Bierce 15548% 15549egrep -n '^[a-z].*\(' $ | sort -t':' +2.0 15550% 15551Ehrman's Commentary: 15552 1. Things will get worse before they get better. 15553 2. Who said things would get better? 15554% 15555Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees. 15556 -- Ronald Reagan, famous movie star 15557% 15558...eighty years later he could still recall with the young pang of his 15559original joy his falling in love with Ada. 15560 -- Nabokov 15561% 15562Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because 15563God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software 15564engineer. 15565 -- Fred Brooks 15566% 15567Eisenhower was very nice, 15568Nixon was his only vice. 15569 -- C. Degen 15570% 15571Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped. 15572 -- Groucho Marx' last words 15573% 15574ELBONICS: 15575 The actions of two people maneuvering for one 15576 armrest in a movie theatre. 15577 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 15578% 15579Eleanor Rigby 15580Sits at the keyboard and waits for a line on the screen 15581Lives in a dream 15582Waits for a signal, finding some code that will 15583 make the machine do some more. 15584What is it for? 15585 15586All the lonely users, where do they all come from? 15587All the lonely users, why does it take so long? 15588 15589Hacker MacKensie 15590Writing the code for a program that no one will run 15591It's nearly done 15592Look at him working, fixing the bugs in the night when there's 15593 nobody there. 15594What does he care? 15595 15596All the lonely users, where do they all come from? 15597All the lonely users, why does it take so long? 15598Ah, look at all the lonely users. 15599Ah, look at all the lonely users. 15600% 15601ELECTRIC JELL-O 15602 156032 boxes JELL-O brand gelatin 2 packages Knox brand unflavored gelatin 156042 cups fruit (any variety) 2+ cups water 156051/2 bottle Everclear brand grain alcohol 15606 15607Mix JELL-O and Knox gelatin into 2 cups of boiling water. Stir 'til 15608 fully dissolved. 15609Pour hot mixture into a flat pan. (JELL-O molds won't work.) 15610Stir in grain alcohol instead of usual cold water. Remove any congealing 15611 glops of slime. (Alcohol has an unusual effect on excess JELL-O.) 15612Pour in fruit to desired taste, and to absorb any excess alcohol. 15613Mix in some cold water to dilute the alcohol and make it easier to eat for 15614 the faint of heart. 15615Refrigerate overnight to allow mixture to fully harden. (About 8-12 hours.) 15616Cut into squares and enjoy! 15617 15618WARNING: 15619 Keep ingredients away from open flame. Not recommended for 15620 children under eight years of age. 15621% 15622Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance. 15623% 15624Electrocution, n: 15625 Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements. 15626% 15627Elegance and truth are inversely related. 15628 -- Becker's Razor 15629% 15630Elephant, n: 15631 A mouse built to government specifications. 15632% 15633Elevators smell different to midgets. 15634% 15635Eleventh Law of Acoustics: 15636 In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between 15637 frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they 15638 are all merely transforms of one another. This combined with 15639 minimalization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct 15640 compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can 15641 lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost. However, 15642 of course, this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd. 15643% 15644Eli and Bessie went to sleep. 15645In the middle of the night, Bessie nudged Eli. 15646 "Please be so kindly and close the window. It's cold outside!" 15647Half asleep, Eli murmured, 15648 "Nu ... so if I'll close the window, will it be warm outside?" 15649% 15650Elliptic paraboloids for sale. 15651% 15652Elliptical, n: 15653 The feel of a kiss. 15654% 15655Eloquence is logic on fire. 15656% 15657Elwood: What kind of music do you get here ma'am? 15658Barmaid: Why, we get both kinds of music, Country and Western. 15659% 15660Emacs, n: 15661 A slow-moving parody of a text editor. 15662% 15663Emersons' Law of Contrariness: 15664 Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do 15665 what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them 15666 for it. 15667% 15668Encyclopedia for sale by father. 15669Son knows everything. 15670% 15671Encyclopedia Salesmen: 15672 Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police 15673 and tell them your house is being burgled. 15674 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 15675% 15676Endless Loop: n. see Loop, Endless. 15677Loop, Endless: n. see Endless Loop. 15678 -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary 15679% 15680Endless the world's turn, endless the sun's spinning 15681Endless the quest; 15682I turn again, back to my own beginning, 15683And here, find rest. 15684% 15685Enemy -- SP (Suppressive Person) Order. Fair Game. May be deprived of 15686property or injured by any means by any Scientologist without any discipline 15687of the Scientologist. May be tricked, sued or lied to or destroyed. 15688 -- L. Ron Hubbard, "Fair Game Doctrine" 15689% 15690Engineering: "How will this work?" 15691Science: "Why will this work?" 15692Management: "When will this work?" 15693Liberal Arts: "Do you want fries with that?" 15694% 15695English literature's performing flea. 15696 -- Sean O'Casey on P.G. Wodehouse 15697% 15698Engram, n: 15699 1. The physical manifestation of human memory -- "the engram." 157002. A particular memory in physical form. [Usage note: this term is no longer 15701in common use. Prior to Wilson and Magruder's historic discovery, the nature 15702of the engram was a topic of intense speculation among neuroscientists, 15703psychologists, and even computer scientists. In 1994 Professors M. R. Wilson 15704and W. V. Magruder, both of Mount St. Coax University in Palo Alto, proved 15705conclusively that the mammalian brain is hardwired to interpret a set of 15706thirty seven genetically transmitted cooperating TECO macros. Human memory 15707was shown to reside in 1 million Q-registers as Huffman coded uppercase-only 15708ASCII strings. Interest in the engram has declined substantially since that 15709time.] 15710 -- New Century Unabridged English Dictionary, 15711 3rd edition, 2007 A.D. 15712% 15713enhance, v: 15714 To tamper with an image, usually to its detriment. 15715% 15716Enjoy your life; be pleasant and gay, like the birds in May. 15717% 15718Enjoy yourself while you're still old. 15719% 15720Entreprenuer, n: 15721 A high-rolling risk taker who would rather 15722 be a spectacular failure than a dismal success. 15723% 15724Entropy isn't what it used to be. 15725% 15726Entropy requires no maintenance. 15727 -- Markoff Chaney 15728% 15729Envy is a pain of mind that successful men cause their neighbors. 15730 -- Onasander 15731% 15732Envy, n: 15733 Wishing you'd been born with an unfair advantage, 15734 instead of having to try and acquire one. 15735% 15736Enzymes are things invented by biologists 15737that explain things which otherwise require harder thinking. 15738 -- Jerome Lettvin 15739% 15740Equal bytes for women. 15741% 15742Ere the cock crows thrice one of you will betray me. 15743 -- Early Jewish Resistance Leader 15744% 15745Ernest asks Frank how long he has been working for the company. 15746 "Ever since they threatened to fire me." 15747% 15748Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven 15749 Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben; 15750Und aller-mumsige Burggoven 15751 Dir mohmen Rath ausgraben. 15752% 15753Eschew obfuscation. 15754% 15755Established technology tends to persist in the face of new technology. 15756 -- G. Blaauw, one of the designers of System 360 15757% 15758E.T. GO HOME!!! (And take your Smurfs with you.) 15759% 15760Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. 15761 -- Woody Allen 15762% 15763Eternity is a terrible thought. I mean, where's it going to end? 15764 -- Tom Stoppard 15765% 15766Etiquette is for those with no breeding; 15767fashion for those with no taste. 15768% 15769Etymology, n: 15770 Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that 15771 were hard for the public to believe. The term 'etymology' was 15772 formed from the Latin 'etus' ("eaten"), the root 'mal' ("bad"), 15773 and 'logy' ("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are 15774 hard to swallow." 15775 -- Mike Kellen 15776% 15777Euch ist becannt, was wir beduerfen; 15778Wir wollen stark Getraenke schluerfen. 15779 -- Goethe, "Faust" 15780% 15781Eudaemonic research proceeded with the casual mania peculiar to this part of 15782the world. Nude sunbathing on the back deck was combined with phone calls to 15783Advanced Kinetics in Costa Mesa, American Laser Systems in Goleta, Automation 15784Industries in Danbury, Connecticut, Arenberg Ultrasonics in Jamaica Plain, 15785Massachusetts, and Hewlett Packard in Sunnyvale, California, where Norman 15786Packard's cousin, David, presided as chairman of the board. The trick was to 15787make these calls at noon, in the hope that out-to-lunch executives would return 15788them at their own expense. Eudaemonic Enterprises, for all they knew, might be 15789a fast-growing computer company branching out of the Silicon Valley. Sniffing 15790the possibility of high-volume sales, these executives little suspected that 15791they were talking on the other end of the line to a naked physicist crazed 15792over roulette. 15793 -- Thomas Bass, "The Eudaemonic Pie" 15794% 15795Eureka! 15796 -- Archimedes 15797% 15798Even a blind pig stumbles upon a few acorns. 15799% 15800Even a cabbage may look at a king. 15801% 15802Even a hawk is an eagle among crows. 15803% 15804Even a man who is pure at heart, 15805And says his prayers at night 15806Can become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms, 15807And the moon is full and bright. 15808 -- The Wolf Man, 1941 15809% 15810Even God cannot change the past. 15811 -- Joseph Stalin 15812% 15813Even God lends a hand to honest boldness. 15814 -- Menander 15815% 15816Even if you do learn to speak correct 15817English, whom are you going to speak it to? 15818 -- Clarence Darrow 15819% 15820Even if you persuade me, you won't persuade me. 15821 -- Aristophanes 15822% 15823Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. 15824 -- Will Rogers 15825% 15826Even in the moment of our earliest kiss, 15827When sighed the straitened bud into the flower, 15828Sat the dry seed of most unwelcome this; 15829And that I knew, though not the day and hour. 15830Too season-wise am I, being country-bred, 15831To tilt at autumn or defy the frost: 15832Snuffing the chill even as my fathers did, 15833I say with them, "What's out tonight is lost." 15834I only hoped, with the mild hope of all 15835Who watch the leaf take shape upon the tree, 15836A fairer summer and a later fall 15837Than in these parts a man is apt to see, 15838And sunny clusters ripened for the wine: 15839I tell you this across the blackened vine. 15840 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay, "Even in the Moment of 15841 Our Earliest Kiss", 1931 15842% 15843Even moderation ought not to be practiced to excess. 15844% 15845Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling 15846just a bit unchivalrous... 15847 -- Robert Benchley 15848% 15849Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral. 15850 -- Kehlog Albran 15851% 15852Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral. 15853 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 15854% 15855Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United 15856States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only 2 cents a day. 15857% 15858Events are not affected, they develop. 15859 -- Sri Aurobindo 15860% 15861Ever feel like life was a game and you had the wrong instruction book? 15862% 15863Ever feel like you're the head pin on life's 15864bowling alley, and everyone's rolling strikes? 15865% 15866Ever get the feeling that the world's 15867on tape and one of the reels is missing? 15868 -- Rich Little 15869% 15870Ever notice that even the busiest people are 15871never too busy to tell you just how busy they are? 15872% 15873Ever notice that the word "therapist" breaks down into "the rapist"? 15874Simple coincidence? 15875Maybe... 15876% 15877Ever Onward! Ever Onward! 15878That's the sprit that has brought us fame. 15879We're big but bigger we will be, 15880We can't fail for all can see, that to serve humanity 15881Has been our aim. 15882Our products now are known in every zone. 15883Our reputation sparkles like a gem. 15884We've fought our way thru 15885And new fields we're sure to conquer, too 15886For the Ever Onward IBM! 15887 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook 15888% 15889Ever Onward! Ever Onward! 15890We're bound for the top to never fall, 15891Right here and now we thankfully 15892Pledge sincerest loyalty 15893To the corporation that's the best of all 15894Our leaders we revere and while we're here, 15895Let's show the world just what we think of them! 15896So let us sing men -- Sing men 15897Once or twice, then sing again 15898For the Ever Onward IBM! 15899 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook 15900% 15901Ever since I was a young boy, 15902I've hacked the ARPA net, 15903From Berkeley down to Rutgers, He's on my favorite terminal, 15904Any access I could get, He cats C right into foo, 15905But ain't seen nothing like him, His disciples lead him in, 15906On any campus yet, And he just breaks the root, 15907That deaf, dumb, and blind kid, Always has full SYS-PRIV's, 15908Sure sends a mean packet. Never uses lint, 15909 That deaf, dumb, and blind kid, 15910 Sure sends a mean packet. 15911He's a UNIX wizard, 15912There has to be a twist. 15913The UNIX wizard's got Ain't got no distractions, 15914Unlimited space on disk. Can't hear no whistles or bells, 15915How do you think he does it? Can't see no message flashing, 15916I don't know. Types by sense of smell, 15917What makes him so good? Those crazy little programs, 15918 The proper bit flags set, 15919 That deaf, dumb, and blind kid, 15920 Sure sends a mean packet. 15921 -- UNIX Wizard 15922% 15923Ever wonder if taxation without representation might have been cheaper? 15924% 15925Ever wonder why fire engines are red? 15926 15927Because newspapers are read too. 15928Two and Two is four. 15929Four and four is eight. 15930Eight and four is twelve. 15931There are twelve inches in a ruler. 15932Queen Mary was a ruler. 15933Queen Mary was a ship. 15934Ships sail the sea. 15935There are fishes in the sea. 15936Fishes have fins. 15937The Fins fought the Russians. 15938Russians are red. 15939Fire engines are always rush'n. 15940Therefore fire engines are red. 15941% 15942Ever wondered about the origins of the term "bugs" as applied to computer 15943technology? U.S. Navy Capt. Grace Murray Hopper has firsthand explanation. 15944The 74-year-old captain, who is still on active duty, was a pioneer in 15945computer technology during World War II. At the C.W. Post Center of Long 15946Island University, Hopper told a group of Long Island public school adminis- 15947trators that the first computer "bug" was a real bug--a moth. At Harvard 15948one August night in 1945, Hopper and her associates were working on the 15949"granddaddy" of modern computers, the Mark I. "Things were going badly; 15950there was something wrong in one of the circuits of the long glass-enclosed 15951computer," she said. "Finally, someone located the trouble spot and, using 15952ordinary tweezers, removed the problem, a two-inch moth. From then on, when 15953anything went wrong with a computer, we said it had bugs in it." Hopper 15954said that when the veracity of her story was questioned recently, "I referred 15955them to my 1945 log book, now in the collection of the Naval Surface Weapons 15956Center, and they found the remains of that moth taped to the page in 15957question." 15958 [actually, the term "bug" had even earlier usage in 15959 regard to problems with radio hardware. Ed.] 15960% 15961Everlasting peace will come to the world when the last man has slain 15962the last but one. 15963 -- Adolph Hitler 15964% 15965Every 4 seconds a woman has a baby. 15966Our problem is to find this woman and stop her. 15967% 15968Every cloud engenders not a storm. 15969 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 15970% 15971Every cloud has a silver lining; 15972you should have sold it, and bought titanium. 15973% 15974Every country has the government it deserves. 15975 -- Joseph De Maistre 15976% 15977Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt. 15978% 15979Every day it's the same thing -- variety. I want something different. 15980% 15981Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God. 15982 -- Lenny Bruce 15983% 15984Every dog has its day, but the nights belong to the pussycats. 15985% 15986Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired 15987signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not 15988fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not 15989spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the 15990genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not 15991a way of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it 15992is humanity hanging on a cross of iron. 15993 -- Dwight Eisenhower, 1953 15994% 15995Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own. 15996 -- Don Vonada 15997% 15998Every love's the love before 15999In a duller dress. 16000 -- Dorothy Parker, "Summary" 16001% 16002Every man is apt to form his notions of things difficult to be apprehended, 16003or less familiar, from their analogy to things which are more familiar. 16004Thus, if a man bred to the seafaring life, and accustomed to think and talk 16005only of matters relating to navigation, enters into discourse upon any other 16006subject; it is well known, that the language and the notions proper to his 16007own profession are infused into every subject, and all things are measured 16008by the rules of navigation: and if he should take it into his head to 16009philosophize concerning the faculties of the mind, it cannot be doubted, 16010but he would draw his notions from the fabric of the ship, and would find 16011in the mind, sails, masts, rudder, and compass. 16012 -- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764 16013% 16014Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse. 16015 -- Miguel de Cervantes 16016% 16017Every man takes the limits of his own field 16018of vision for the limits of the world. 16019 -- Schopenhauer 16020% 16021Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich 16022and powerful know that he is. 16023 -- Jean Anouilh, "The Lark" 16024% 16025Every man who has reached even his intellectual teens begins to suspect 16026that life is no farce; that it is not genteel comedy even; that it flowers 16027and fructifies on the contrary out of the profoundest tragic depths of the 16028essential death in which its subject's roots are plunged. The natural 16029inheritance of everyone who is capable of spiritual life is an unsubdued 16030forest where the wolf howls and the obscene bird of night chatters. 16031 -- Henry James Sr., writing to his sons Henry and William 16032% 16033Every man who is high up likes to think that he has done 16034it all himself, and the wife smiles and lets it go at that. 16035 -- Barrie 16036% 16037Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up. It knows it must run faster 16038than the fastest lion or it will be killed. Every morning a lion wakes up. 16039It knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death. 16040It doesn't matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle: when the sun comes 16041up, you'd better be running. 16042% 16043Every morning is a Smirnoff morning. 16044% 16045Every night my prayers I say, 16046 And get my dinner every day; 16047And every day that I've been good, 16048 I get an orange after food. 16049The child that is not clean and neat, 16050 With lots of toys and things to eat, 16051He is a naughty child, I'm sure-- 16052 Or else his dear papa is poor. 16053 -- Robert Louis Stevenson 16054% 16055Every one says that politicians lie all the time, and that just isn't so! 16056But you do have to understand body language to know when they're lying and 16057when they aren't. 16058 16059 When a politician rubs his nose, he isn't lying. 16060 When a politician tugs on his ear, he isn't lying. 16061 When a politician scratches his colar bone, he isn't lying. 16062 When his mouth starts moving, that's when he's lying! 16063% 16064Every paper published in a respectable journal should have a preface by 16065the author stating why he is publishing the article, and what value he 16066sees in it. I have no hope that this practice will ever be adopted. 16067 -- Morris Kline 16068% 16069Every path has its puddle. 16070% 16071Every person, all the events in your life are there because you have 16072drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you. 16073 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul 16074% 16075Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one 16076instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every program 16077can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work. 16078% 16079Every program has (at least) two purposes: 16080 the one for which it was written and another for which it wasn't. 16081% 16082Every silver lining has a cloud around it. 16083% 16084Every Solidarity center had piles and piles of paper ... everyone was 16085eating paper and a policeman was at the door. Now all you have to do is 16086bend a disk. 16087 -- A member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity, 16088 commenting on the benefits of using computers in support 16089 of their movement. 16090% 16091Every successful person has had failures 16092but repeated failure is no guarantee of eventual success. 16093% 16094Every suicide is a solution to a problem. 16095 -- Jean Baechler 16096% 16097Every time I look at you I am more convinced of Darwin's theory. 16098% 16099Every time I lose weight, it finds me again! 16100% 16101Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it. 16102% 16103Every time you manage to close the door on 16104Reality, it comes in through the window. 16105% 16106Every why hath a wherefore. 16107 -- William Shakespeare, "A Comedy of Errors" 16108% 16109Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness. 16110 -- Beckett 16111% 16112Every young man should have a hobby: learning how to handle money is 16113the best one. 16114 -- Jack Hurley 16115% 16116Everybody but Sam had signed up for a new company pension plan that 16117called for a small employee contribution. The company was paying all 16118the rest. Unfortunately, 100% employee participation was needed; 16119otherwise the plan was off. Sam's boss and his fellow workers pleaded 16120and cajoled, but to no avail. Sam said the plan would never pay off. 16121Finally the company president called Sam into his office. 16122 "Sam," he said, "here's a copy of the new pension plan and here's 16123a pen. I want you to sign the papers. I'm sorry, but if you don't sign, 16124you're fired. As of right now." 16125 Sam signed the papers immediately. 16126 "Now," said the president, "would you mind telling me why you 16127couldn't have signed earlier?" 16128 "Well, sir," replied Sam, "nobody explained it to me quite so 16129clearly before." 16130% 16131Everybody has something to conceal. 16132 -- Humphrey Bogart 16133% 16134Everybody is given the same amount of hormones, at birth, and 16135if you want to use yours for growing hair, that's fine with me. 16136% 16137Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. 16138 -- Dykstra 16139% 16140Everybody knows that the dice are loaded. Everybody rolls with their 16141fingers crossed. Everybody knows the war is over. Everybody knows the 16142good guys lost. Everybody knows the fight was fixed: the poor stay 16143poor, the rich get rich. That's how it goes. Everybody knows. 16144 16145Everybody knows that the boat is leaking. Everybody knows the captain 16146lied. Everybody got this broken feeling like their father or their dog 16147just died. 16148 16149Everybody talking to their pockets. Everybody wants a box of chocolates 16150and long stem rose. Everybody knows. 16151 16152Everybody knows that you love me, baby. Everybody knows that you really 16153do. Everybody knows that you've been faithful, give or take a night or 16154two. Everybody knows you've been discreet, but there were so many people 16155you just had to meet without your clothes. And everybody knows. 16156 16157And everybody knows it's now or never. Everybody knows that it's me or you. 16158And everybody knows that you live forever when you've done a line or two. 16159Everybody knows the deal is rotten: Old Black Joe's still pickin' cotton 16160for you ribbons and bows. And everybody knows. 16161 -- Leonard Cohen, "Everybody Knows" 16162% 16163Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money. 16164 -- Arthur Miller 16165% 16166Everybody needs a little love sometime; 16167stop hacking and fall in love! 16168% 16169Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. 16170% 16171Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had 16172to be taught how not to. So it is with the great programmers. 16173% 16174Everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgement. 16175% 16176Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid. 16177% 16178Everyone is entitled to my opinion. 16179% 16180Everyone is in the best seat. 16181 -- John Cage 16182% 16183Everyone is more or less mad on one point. 16184 -- Rudyard Kipling 16185% 16186Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic 16187formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the 16188scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact 16189wholly unconcerned with what DOES exist. Indeed, the banality of 16190existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us 16191to discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking 16192the problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: 16193the mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were 16194all, one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely 16195different way... 16196% 16197Everyone wants results, but no one is willing to do what it takes 16198to get them. 16199 -- Dirty Harry 16200% 16201Everyone was born right-handed. 16202Only the greatest overcome it. 16203% 16204Everyone who comes in here wants three things: 16205 1. They want it quick. 16206 2. They want it good. 16207 3. They want it cheap. 16208I tell 'em to pick two and call me back. 16209 -- sign on the back wall of a small printing company 16210% 16211Everyone's in a high place when you're on your knees. 16212% 16213Everything bows to success, even grammar. 16214% 16215Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous". 16216% 16217Everything ends badly. Otherwise it wouldn't end. 16218% 16219Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening. 16220 -- Alexander Woollcott 16221% 16222Everything in this book may be wrong. 16223 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul 16224% 16225Everything is controlled by a small evil group 16226to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs. 16227% 16228Everything is possible. Pass the word. 16229 -- Rita Mae Brown, "Six of One" 16230% 16231Everything might be different in the present 16232if only one thing had been different in the past. 16233% 16234Everything should be built top-down, except the first time. 16235% 16236Everything should be built top-down, except this time. 16237% 16238Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler. 16239 -- Albert Einstein 16240% 16241Everything takes longer, costs more, and is less useful. 16242 -- Erwin Tomash 16243% 16244Everything that can be invented has been invented. 16245 -- Charles Duell, Director of U.S. Patent Office, 1899 16246% 16247Everything that you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out. 16248% 16249Everything will be just tickety-boo today. 16250% 16251Everything you know is wrong! 16252% 16253Everything you read in newspapers is absolutely true, except for that 16254rare story of which you happen to have first-hand knowledge. 16255 -- Erwin Knoll 16256% 16257Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less 16258obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no 16259solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid. 16260There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no 16261straight lines. 16262 -- R. Buckminster Fuller 16263% 16264Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less 16265obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no 16266solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid. There 16267are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no 16268straight lines. 16269 -- R. Buckminster Fuller 16270% 16271Everything's great in this good old world; 16272(This is the stuff they can always use.) 16273God's in his heaven, the hill's dew-pearled; 16274(This will provide for baby's shoes.) 16275Hunger and War do not mean a thing; 16276Everything's rosy where'er we roam; 16277Hark, how the little birds gaily sing! 16278(This is what fetches the bacon home.) 16279 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Far Sighted Muse" 16280% 16281Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My 16282opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller 16283that could have been prevented by a good teacher. 16284 -- Flannery O'Connor 16285% 16286Everywhere you go you'll see them searching, 16287Everywhere you turn you'll feel the pain, 16288Everyone is looking for the answer, 16289Well look again. 16290 -- Moody Blues, "Lost in a Lost World" 16291% 16292Evil is that which one believes of others. It is a sin to believe evil 16293of others, but it is seldom a mistake. 16294 -- H.L. Mencken 16295% 16296Evolution is a million line computer 16297program falling into place by accident. 16298% 16299Evolution is as much a fact as the earth turning on its axis and going around 16300the sun. At one time this was called the Copernican theory; but, when 16301evidence for a theory becomes so overwhelming that no informed person can 16302doubt it, it is customary for scientists to call it a fact. That all present 16303life descended from earlier forms, over vast stretches of geologic time, is 16304as firmly established as Copernican cosmology. Biologists differ only with 16305respect to theories about how the process operates. 16306 -- Martin Gardner, "Irving Kristol and the Facts of Life". 16307% 16308Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for even 16309the greatest fool may ask more than the wisest man can answer. 16310 -- C.C. Colton 16311% 16312Example is not the main thing in influencing others. 16313It is the only thing. 16314 -- Albert Schweitzer 16315% 16316Excellent day for drinking heavily. 16317Spike the office water cooler. 16318% 16319Excellent day to have a rotten day. 16320% 16321Excellent time to become a missing person. 16322% 16323Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget. 16324 -- Miller 16325% 16326Excerpt from a conversation between a customer support person and a 16327customer working for a well-known military-affiliated research lab: 16328 16329Support: "You're not our only customer, you know." 16330Customer: "But we're one of the few with tactical nuclear weapons." 16331% 16332Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from 16333acquiring the deadening effect of a habit. 16334 -- W. Somerset Maugham 16335% 16336Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents 16337moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of a habit. 16338 -- W. Somerset Maugham 16339% 16340Excessive login messages is a sure sign of senility. 16341% 16342Execute every act of thy life as though it were thy last. 16343 -- Marcus Aurelius 16344% 16345Executive ability is prominent in your make-up. 16346% 16347Exercise caution in your daily affairs. 16348% 16349Exhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you, 16350and just before you realize what is wrong with it. 16351% 16352Expansion means complexity; and complexity decay. 16353% 16354Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you. 16355% 16356Expect the worst, it's the least you can do. 16357% 16358Expedience is the best teacher. 16359% 16360Expense accounts, n: 16361 Corporate food stamps. 16362% 16363Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills. 16364 -- Minna Antrim, "Naked Truth and Veiled Allusions" 16365% 16366Experience is not what happens to you; 16367it is what you do with what happens to you. 16368 -- Aldous Huxley 16369% 16370Experience is that marvelous thing that enables 16371you recognize a mistake when you make it again. 16372 -- Franklin Jones 16373% 16374Experience is the worst teacher. It always 16375gives the test first and the instruction afterward. 16376% 16377Experience is what causes a person 16378to make new mistakes instead of old ones. 16379% 16380Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted. 16381% 16382Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else. 16383% 16384Experience, n: 16385 Something you don't get until just after you need it. 16386 -- Olivier 16387% 16388Experience teaches you that the man who looks you straight in the eye, 16389particularly if he adds a firm handshake, is hiding something. 16390 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Enter Conversing" 16391% 16392Experience varies directly with equipment ruined. 16393% 16394Experiments must be reproducible; they should all fail in the same way. 16395% 16396External Security: 16397% 16398Extraordinary claims demand extraordinary proof. There are many examples 16399of outsiders who eventually overthrew entrenched scientific orthodoxies, 16400but they prevailed with irrefutable data. More often, egregious findings 16401that contradict well-established research turn out to be artifacts. I have 16402argued that accepting psychic powers, reincarnation, "cosmic conciousness," 16403and the like, would entail fundamental revisions of the foundations of 16404neuroscience. Before abandoning materialist theories of mind that have paid 16405handsome dividends, we should insist on better evidence for psi phenomena 16406than presently exists, especially when neurology and psychology themselves 16407offer more plausible alternatives. 16408 -- Barry L. Beyerstein, "The Brain and Conciousness: 16409 Implications for Psi Phenomena". 16410% 16411Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly. 16412 -- William Shakespeare, "The Rape of Lucrece" 16413% 16414Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice... moderation in the pursuit 16415of justice is no virtue. 16416 -- Barry Goldwater 16417% 16418f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd. 16419% 16420f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng. 16421% 16422F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm! 16423% 16424f u cn rd ths, u r prbbly a lsy spllr. 16425% 16426FACILITY REJECTED 100044200000; 16427% 16428Factorials were someone's attempt to make math LOOK exciting. 16429% 16430Facts, apart from their relationships, are like labels on empty bottles. 16431 -- Sven Italla 16432% 16433Facts are the enemy of truth. 16434 -- Don Quixote 16435% 16436Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored. 16437 -- Aldous Huxley 16438% 16439Failed Attempts To Break Records 16440 In September 1978 Mr. Terry Gripton, of Stafford, failed to break 16441the world shouting record by two and a half decibels. "I am not surprised 16442he failed," his wife said afterwards. "He's really a very quiet man and 16443doesn't even shout at me." 16444 In August of the same year Mr. Paul Anthony failed to break the 16445record for continuous organ playing by 387 hours. 16446 His attempt at the Golden Fish Fry Restaurant in Manchester ended 16447after 36 hours 10 minutes, when he was accused of disturbing the peace. 16448"People complained I was too noisy," he said. 16449 In January 1976 Mr. Barry McQueen failed to walk backwards across 16450the Menai Bridge playing the bagpipes. "It was raining heavily and my 16451drone got waterlogged," he said. 16452 A TV cameraman thwarted Mr. Bob Specas' attempt to topple 100,000 16453dominoes at the Manhattan Center, New York on 9 June 1978. 97,500 dominoes 16454had been set up when he dropped his press badge and set them off. 16455 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 16456% 16457Failure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital. 16458% 16459Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall. 16460 -- Sir Walter Raleigh 16461% 16462Fairy tale: 16463 A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers. 16464% 16465Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door. 16466% 16467Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam 16468on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move. 16469% 16470Faith is under the left nipple. 16471 -- Martin Luther 16472% 16473Faith, n: 16474 That quality which enables us to 16475 believe what we know to be untrue. 16476% 16477Fakir, n: 16478 A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost 16479 religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources 16480 seem to have shinnied up a rope and vanished. 16481% 16482Falling in Love 16483 When two people have been on enough dates, they generally fall in 16484love. You can tell you're in love by the way you feel: your head becomes 16485light, your heart leaps within you, you feel like you're walking on air, 16486and the whole world seems like a wonderful and happy place. Unfortunately, 16487these are also the four warning signs of colon disease, so it's always a 16488good idea to check with your doctor. 16489 -- Dave Barry 16490% 16491Falling in love is a lot like dying. 16492You never get to do it enough to become good at it. 16493% 16494Falling in love makes smoking pot all day look like the ultimate in 16495restraint. 16496 -- Dave Sim, author of "Cerebus". 16497% 16498Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident; 16499the only earthly certainty is oblivion. 16500 -- Mark Twain 16501% 16502Fame lost its appeal for me when I went into a public restroom and an 16503autograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the stall door. 16504 -- Marlo Thomas 16505% 16506Fame may be fleeting but obscurity is forever. 16507% 16508Familiarity breeds attempt. 16509% 16510Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children. 16511 -- Mark Twain 16512% 16513Families, when a child is born 16514Want it to be intelligent. 16515I, through intelligence, 16516Having wrecked my whole life, 16517Only hope the baby will prove 16518Ignorant and stupid. 16519Then he will crown a tranquil life 16520By becoming a Cabinet Minister 16521 -- Su Tung-p'o 16522% 16523Famous last words: 16524% 16525Famous last words: 16526 1: Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix. 16527 2: Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there. 16528 3: What happens if you touch these two wires tog... 16529 4: We won't need reservations. 16530 5: It's always sunny there this time of the year. 16531 6: Don't worry, it's not loaded. 16532 7: They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager. 16533 8: Don't worry! Women love it! 16534% 16535Fanaticism consists of redoubling your effort when you have 16536forgotten your aim. 16537 -- George Santayana 16538% 16539"Fantasies are free." 16540"NO!! NO!! It's the thought police!!!!" 16541% 16542Far back in the mists of ancient time, in the great and glorious days of the 16543former Galactic Empire, life was wild, rich and largely tax free. 16544 16545Mighty starships plied their way between exotic suns, seeking adventure and 16546reward among the furthest reaches of Galactic space. In those days, spirits 16547were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women 16548and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures 16549from Alpha Centauri. And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty 16550deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before -- and thus 16551was the Empire forged. 16552 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 16553% 16554Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth. 16555% 16556Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western 16557Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this 16558at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an utterly 16559insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are 16560so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty 16561neat idea. 16562 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhicker's Guide to the Galaxy" 16563% 16564Farmers in the Iowa State survey rated machinery breakdowns more 16565stressful than divorce. 16566 -- Wall Street Journal 16567% 16568Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter 16569it every six months. 16570 -- Oscar Wilde 16571% 16572Fashions have done more harm than revolutions. 16573 -- Victor Hugo 16574% 16575Fast, cheap, good: pick two. 16576% 16577Fast ship? You mean you've never heard of the Millennium Falcon? 16578 -- Han Solo 16579% 16580Faster, faster, you fool, you fool! 16581 -- Bill Cosby 16582% 16583Fat Liberation: because a waist is a terrible thing to mind. 16584% 16585Fat people of the world unite, we've got nothing to lose! 16586% 16587Father: Son, it's time we talked about sex. 16588Son: Sure, Dad, what do you want to know? 16589% 16590Fats Loves Madelyn. 16591% 16592Fay: The British police force used to be run by men of integrity. 16593Truscott: That is a mistake which has been rectified. 16594 -- Joe Orton, "Loot" 16595% 16596FEAR: 16597 What you feel when you see a U-Haul with Texas license plates. 16598% 16599Fear and loathing, my man, fear and loathing. 16600 -- H.S. Thompson 16601% 16602Fear is the greatest salesman. 16603 -- Robert Klein 16604% 16605feature, n: 16606 A surprising property of a program. Occasionaly documented. To 16607 call a property a feature sometimes means the author did not 16608 consider that case, and the program makes an unexpected, though 16609 not necessarily wrong response. See BUG. "That's not a bug, it's 16610 a feature!" A bug can be changed to a feature by documenting it. 16611% 16612Federal grants are offered for... research into the recreation 16613potential of interplanetary space travel for the culturally 16614disadvantaged. 16615% 16616Feel disillusioned? 16617I've got some great new illusions, right here! 16618% 16619Feeling amorous, she looked under the sheets and cried, "Oh, no, 16620it's Microsoft!" 16621% 16622Felix Catus is your taxonomic nomenclature, 16623An endothermic quadroped, carniverous by nature. 16624Your visual, olfactory, and auditory senses 16625Contribute to your hunting skills and natural defenses. 16626I find myself intrigued by your sub-vocal oscillations, 16627A singular development of cat communications 16628That obviates your basic hedonistic predelection 16629For a rhythmic stroking of your fur to demonstrate affection. 16630A tail is quite essential for your acrobatic talents: 16631You would not be so agile if you lacked its counterbalance; 16632And when not being utilitized to aid in locomotion, 16633It often serves to illustrate the state of your emotion. 16634Oh Spot, the complex levels of behavior you display 16635Connote a fairly well-developed cognitive array. 16636And though you are not sentient, Spot, and do not comprehend, 16637I nonetheless consider you a true and valued friend. 16638 -- Lt. Cmdr. Data, "An Ode to Spot" 16639% 16640Fellow programmer, greetings! You are reading a letter which will bring 16641you luck and good fortune. Just mail (or UUCP) ten copies of this letter 16642to ten of your friends. Before you make the copies, send a chip or 16643other bit of hardware, and 100 lines of 'C' code to the first person on the 16644list given at the bottom of this letter. Then delete their name and add 16645yours to the bottom of the list. 16646 16647Don't break the chain! Make the copy within 48 hours. Gerald R. of San 16648Diego failed to send out his ten copies and woke the next morning to find 16649his job description changed to "COBOL programmer." Fred A. of New York sent 16650out his ten copies and within a month had enough hardware and software to 16651build a Cray dedicated to playing Zork. Martha H. of Chicago laughed at 16652this letter and broke the chain. Shortly thereafter, a fire broke out in 16653her terminal and she now spends her days writing documentation for IBM PC's. 16654 16655Don't break the chain! Send out your ten copies today! 16656% 16657Female rabbits: 16658 The gift that just "keeps on giving." 16659% 16660FENDERBERG: 16661 The large glacial deposits that form on the insides 16662 of car fenders during snowstorms. 16663 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 16664% 16665Ferguson's Precept: 16666 A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the whole thing." 16667% 16668Fertility is hereditary. If your parents 16669didn't have any children, neither will you. 16670% 16671Fess: Well, you must admit there is something innately humorous about 16672 a man chasing an invention of his own halfway across the galaxy. 16673Rod: Oh yeah, it's a million yuks, sure. But after all, isn't that the 16674 basic difference between robots and humans? 16675Fess: What, the ability to form imaginary constructs? 16676Rod: No, the ability to get hung up on them. 16677 -- Christopher Stasheff, "The Warlock in Spite of Himself" 16678% 16679Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. 16680 -- Mark Twain 16681% 16682Fidelity, n: 16683 A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed. 16684% 16685Fifteen men on a dead man's chest, 16686Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum! 16687Drink and the devil had done for the rest, 16688Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum! 16689 -- Stevenson, "Treasure Island" 16690% 16691Fifth Law of Applied Terror: 16692 If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. 16693Corollary: 16694 If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live. 16695% 16696File cabinet: 16697 A four drawer, manually activated trash compactor. 16698% 16699filibuster, n: 16700 Throwing your wait around. 16701% 16702Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches. 16703 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth 16704% 16705Finagle's Creed: 16706 Science is true. Don't be misled by facts. 16707% 16708Finagle's Eighth Law: 16709 If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. 16710 16711Finagle's Ninth Law: 16712 No matter what results are expected, 16713 someone is always willing to fake it. 16714 16715Finagle's Tenth Law: 16716 No matter what the result someone 16717 is always eager to misinterpret it. 16718 16719Finagle's Eleventh Law: 16720 No matter what occurs, someone believes 16721 it happened according to his pet theory. 16722% 16723Finagle's First Law: 16724 To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start. 16725 16726Finagle's Second Law: 16727 Always keep a record of data -- it indicates you've been working. 16728 16729Finagle's Fourth Law: 16730 Once a job is fouled up, 16731 anything done to improve it only makes it worse. 16732 16733Finagle's Fifth Law: 16734 Always draw your curves, then plot your readings. 16735 16736Finagle's Sixth Law: 16737 Don't believe in miracles -- rely on them. 16738% 16739Finagle's Seventh Law: 16740 The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum. 16741% 16742Finagle's Third Law: 16743 In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, 16744 beyond all need of checking, is the mistake. 16745 16746Corollaries: 16747 1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it. 16748 2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really 16749 don't want to hear, will see it immediately. 16750% 16751Finality is death. 16752Perfection is finality. 16753Nothing is perfect. 16754There are lumps in it. 16755% 16756Fine day for friends. 16757So-so day for you. 16758% 16759Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can. 16760% 16761Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy. 16762% 16763Finster's Law: 16764A closed mouth gathers no feet. 16765% 16766First Law of Bicycling: 16767 No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind. 16768% 16769First law of debate: 16770 Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference. 16771% 16772First Law of Procrastination: 16773 Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility 16774 for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who 16775 imposed the deadline). 16776 16777Fifth Law of Procrastination: 16778 Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that 16779 there is nothing important to do. 16780% 16781First Law of Socio-Genetics: 16782 Celibacy is not hereditary. 16783% 16784First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity, no really 16785self-respecting woman would take advantage of it. 16786 -- George Bernard Shaw, "John Bull's Other Island" 16787% 16788First Rule of History: 16789 History doesn't repeat itself -- 16790 historians merely repeat each other. 16791% 16792First rule of public speaking. 16793 First, tell 'em what you're goin' to tell 'em; 16794 then tell 'em; 16795 then tell 'em what you've tole 'em. 16796% 16797First there was Dial-A-Prayer, then Dial-A-Recipe, and even Dial-A-Footballer. 16798But the south-east Victorian town of Sale has produced one to top them all. 16799Dial-A-Wombat. 16800 It all began early yesterday when Sale police received a telephone 16801call: "You won't believe this, and I'm not drunk, but there's a wombat in the 16802phone booth outside the town hall," the caller said. 16803 Not firmly convinced about the caller's claim to sobriety, members of 16804the constabulary drove to the scene, expecting to pick up a drunk. 16805 But there it was, an annoyed wombat, trapped in a telephone booth. 16806 The wombat, determined not to be had the better of again, threw its 16807bulk into the fray. It was eventually lassoed and released in a nearby scrub. 16808 Then the officers received another message ... another wombat in 16809another phone booth. 16810 There it was: *Another* angry wombat trapped in a telephone booth. 16811 The constables took the miffed marsupial into temporary custody and 16812released it, too, in the scrub. 16813 But on their way back to the station they happened to pass another 16814telephone booth, and -- you guessed it -- another imprisoned wombat. 16815 After some serious detective work, the lads in blue found a suspect, 16816and after questioning, released him to be charged on summons. 16817 Their problem ... they cannot find a law against placing wombats in 16818telephone booths. 16819 -- "Newcastle Morning Herald", WSW Australia, Aug 1980. 16820% 16821"First World" nations are the ones where people drive Japanese cars; 16822"Second World" nations are where First World residents go on vacation; 16823and "Third World" nations are the ones where people still dive out of 16824trees to prove their manhood. 16825 -- Dave Barry 16826% 16827Fishbowl, n: 16828 A glass-enclosed isolation cell where newly 16829 promoted managers are kept for observation. 16830% 16831Fishing, with me, has always been an excuse to drink in the daytime. 16832 -- Jimmy Cannon 16833% 16834Five bicycles make a volkswagen, seven make a truck. 16835 -- Adolfo Guzman 16836% 16837Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity. 16838 -- Robert Firth 16839% 16840Five names that I can hardly stand to hear, 16841Including yours and mine and one more chimp who isn't here, 16842I can see the ladies talking how the times is gettin' hard, 16843And that fearsome excavation on Magnolia boulevard, 16844Yes, I'm goin' insane, 16845And I'm laughing at the frozen rain, 16846Well, I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home? 16847 Bad sneakers and a pina colada my friend, 16848 Stopping on the avenue by Radio City, with a 16849 Transistor and a large sum of money to spend... 16850You fellah, you tearin' up the street, 16851You wear that white tuxedo, how you gonna beat the heat, 16852Do you take me for a fool, do you think that I don't see, 16853That ditch out in the Valley that they're diggin' just for me, 16854Yes, and goin' insane, 16855You know I'm laughin' at the frozen rain, 16856Feel like I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home? 16857(chorus) 16858 -- Bad Sneakers, "Steely Dan" 16859% 16860Five people -- an Englishman, Russian, American, Frenchman and Irishman 16861were each asked to write a book on elephants. Some amount of time later they 16862had all completed their respective books. The Englishman's book was entitled 16863"The Elephant -- How to Collect Them", the Russian's "The Elephant -- Vol. I", 16864the American's "The Elephant -- How to Make Money from Them", the Frenchman's 16865"The Elephant -- Its Mating Habits" and the Irishman's "The Elephant and 16866Irish Political History". 16867% 16868Five rules for eternal misery: 16869 1) Always try to exhort others to look upon you favorably. 16870 2) Make lots of assumptions about situations and be sure to 16871 treat these assumptions as though they are reality. 16872 3) Then treat each new situation as though it's a crisis. 16873 4) Live in the past and future only (become obsessed with 16874 how much better things might have been or how much worse 16875 things might become). 16876 5) Occasionally stomp on yourself for being so stupid as to 16877 follow the first four rules. 16878% 16879Flame on! 16880 -- Johnny Storm 16881% 16882FLANNISTER: 16883 The plastic yoke that holds a six-pack of beer together. 16884 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 16885% 16886FLASH! 16887Intelligence of mankind decreasing. 16888Details at ... uh, when the little hand is on the .... 16889% 16890Flattery is like cologne -- to be smelled, but not swallowed. 16891 -- Josh Billings 16892% 16893Flattery will get you everywhere. 16894% 16895Flee at once, all is discovered. 16896% 16897Flirting is the gentle art of making a man feel pleased with himself. 16898 -- Helen Rowland 16899% 16900Flon's Law: 16901 There is not now, and never will be, a language in 16902 which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs. 16903% 16904flowchart, n. & v. 16905 [From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart 16906 "a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."] 16907 1. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni 16908 construction problems in which given algoritms require geometrical 16909 representation using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI 16910 template. 2. n. Neronic doodling while the system burns. 16911 3. n. A low-cost substitute for wallpaper. 4. n. The innumerate 16912 misleading the illiterate. "A thousand pictures is worth ten lines 16913 of code." --The Programmer's Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps. 16914 5. v.intrans. To produce flowcharts with no particular object in mind. 16915 6. v.trans. To obfuscate (a problem) with esoteric cartoons. 16916 -- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 16917% 16918Flugg's Law: 16919 When you need to knock on wood is when you realize 16920 that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum. 16921% 16922Fly me away to the bright side of the moon ... 16923% 16924Flying is the second greatest feeling you can have. The greatest feeling? 16925Landing... Landing is the greatest feeling you can have. 16926% 16927Fog Lamps, n: 16928 Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the fronts 16929 of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the 16930 driver's brain is in a fog. See also "Idiot Lights". 16931% 16932"Follow me around. I don't care. I'm serious. If anybody wants to put a 16933tail on me, go ahead. They'd be very bored." 16934 -- Gary Hart, announcing his presidential candidacy, 16935 commenting on rumors of womanizing. 16936% 16937Foolproof Operation: 16938 No provision for adjustment. 16939% 16940Fools rush in -- and get the best seats in the house. 16941% 16942Football builds self-discipline. What else would induce 16943a spectator to sit out in the open in subfreezing weather? 16944% 16945Football combines the two worst features of American life. 16946It is violence punctuated by committee meetings. 16947 -- George F. Will, "Men At Work: The Craft of Baseball" 16948% 16949Football is a game designed to keep coalminers off the streets. 16950 -- Jimmy Breslin 16951% 16952For a holy stint, a moth of the cloth gave up his woolens for lint. 16953% 16954For a light heart lives long. 16955 -- Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost" 16956% 16957For adult education nothing beats children. 16958% 16959For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, 16960since it must afterwards be always old-fashioned. 16961% 16962For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex. 16963 -- Gore Vidal 16964% 16965For children with short attention spans: boomerangs that don't come back. 16966% 16967For courage mounteth with occasion. 16968 -- William Shakespeare, "King John" 16969% 16970For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. 16971 -- Harrison 16972% 16973For every bloke who makes his mark, 16974there's half a dozen waiting to rub it out. 16975 -- Andy Capp 16976% 16977For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill. 16978 -- R. Clopton 16979% 16980For every human problem, there is a neat, 16981plain solution -- and it is always wrong. 16982 -- H.L. Mencken 16983% 16984For example, if \thinmskip = 3mu, this makes \thickmskip = 6mu. But if 16985you also want to use \skip12 for horizontal glue, whether in math mode or 16986not, the amount of skipping will be in points (e.g., 6pt). The rule is 16987that glue in math mode varies with the size only when it is an \mskip; 16988when moving between an mskipand ordinary skip, the conversion factor 169891mu=1pt is always used. The meaning of '\mskip\skip12' and 16990'\baselineskip=\the\thickmskip' should be clear. 16991 -- Donald Knuth, TeX 82 -- Comparison with TeX80 16992% 16993For fast-acting relief, try slowing down. 16994% 16995For flavor, instant sex will never supercede the stuff you have to peel 16996and cook. 16997 -- Quentin Crisp 16998% 16999For fools rush in where angels fear to tread. 17000 -- Alexander Pope 17001% 17002For gin, in cruel 17003Sober truth, 17004Supplies the fuel 17005For flaming youth. 17006 -- Noel Coward 17007% 17008For God's sake, stop researching for a while and begin to think! 17009% 17010For good, return good. 17011For evil, return justice. 17012% 17013For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do. 17014 -- Paul of Tarsus, (Saint Paul) 17015% 17016For I swore I would stay a year away from her; out and alas! 17017but with break of day I went to make supplication. 17018 -- Paulus Silentarius, c. 540 A.D. 17019% 17020For if there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in 17021despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the 17022implacable grandeur of this life. 17023 -- Albert Camus 17024% 17025For knighthood is not in the feats of war, 17026As for to fight in quarrel right or wrong, 17027But in a cause which truth cannot defer: 17028He ought himself for to make sure and strong, 17029Just to keep mixt with mercy among: 17030And no quarrel a knight ought to take 17031But for a truth, or for the common's sake. 17032 -- Stephen Hawes 17033% 17034For men use, if they have an evil turn, to write it in marble: 17035and whoso doth us a good turn we write it in dust. 17036 -- Sir Thomas More 17037% 17038For most men life is a search for the proper manila envelope in which to 17039get themselves filed. 17040 -- Clifton Fadiman 17041% 17042For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in 17043the same room and let them fight it out. 17044 -- Stephen Wright 17045% 17046For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I 17047put them in the same room and let them fight it out. 17048 -- Steven Wright 17049% 17050For myself, I can only say that I am astonished and somewhat terrified at 17051the results of this evening's experiments. Astonished at the wonderful 17052power you have developed, and terrified at the thought that so much hideous 17053and bad music may be put on record forever. 17054 -- Sir Arthur Sullivan, message to Edison, 1888 17055% 17056For people who like that kind of book, 17057that is the kind of book they will like. 17058% 17059FOR SALE: 17060 Parachute. Used once. 17061 Never opened. Slightly Stained. 17062% 17063For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say 17064"Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something. 17065 -- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to the U.S. 17066% 17067For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz. 17068% 17069For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the 17070massive jobs of a thousand years ago. Why not, then, the 17071last step of doing away with computers altogether?" 17072 -- Jehan Shuman 17073% 17074For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels, 17075each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall 17076was a gate. 17077 -- J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Return of the King" 17078 17079 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 17080 referring to system overview.] 17081 17082% 17083For the first time we have a weapon that nobody has used for thirty years. 17084This gives me great hope for the human race. 17085 -- Harlan Ellison 17086% 17087For the next hour, WE will control all that you see and hear. 17088% 17089For thee the wonder-working earth puts forth sweet flowers. 17090 -- Titus Lucretius Carus 17091% 17092For there are moments when one can neither think nor feel. And if one can 17093neither think nor feel, she thought, where is one? 17094 -- Virginia Woolf, "To the Lighthouse" 17095 17096 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 17097 referring to powerfail recovery.] 17098% 17099For they starve the frightened little child 17100Till it weeps both night and day: 17101And they scourge the weak, and flog the fool, 17102And gibe the old and grey, 17103And some grow mad, and all grow bad, 17104And none a word may say. 17105 17106Each narrow cell in which we dwell 17107Is a foul and dark latrine, 17108And the fetid breath of living Death 17109Chokes up each grated screen, 17110And all, but Lust, is turned to dust 17111In Humanity's machine. 17112 17113And all men kill the thing they love, 17114By all let this be heard, 17115Some do it with a bitter look, 17116Some with a flattering word, 17117The coward does it with a kiss, 17118The brave man with a sword. 17119 -- Oscar Wilde 17120% 17121For thirty years a certain man went to spend every evening with Mme. ___. 17122When his wife died his friends believed he would marry her, and urged 17123him to do so. "No, no," he said: "if I did, where should I have to 17124spend my evenings?" 17125 -- Chamfort 17126% 17127For those of you who have been unfortunate enough to never have tasted the 17128'Great Chieftain O' the Pudden Race' (i.e. haggis) here is an easy to follow 17129recipe which results in a dish remarkably similar to the above mentioned 17130protected species. 17131 Ingredients: 17132 1 Sheep's Pluck (heart, lungs, liver) and bag 17133 2 teacupsful toasted oatmeal 17134 1 teaspoonful salt 17135 8 oz. shredded suet 17136 2 small onions 17137 1/2 teaspoonful black pepper 17138 17139 Scrape and clean bag in cold, then warm, water. Soak in salt water 17140overnight. Wash pluck, then boil for 2 hours with windpipe draining over 17141the side of pot. Retain 1 pint of stock. Cut off windpipe, remove surplus 17142gristle, chop or mince heart and lungs, and grate best part of liver (about 17143half only). Parboil and chop onions, mix all together with oatmeal, suet, 17144salt, pepper and stock to moisten. Pack the mixture into bag, allowing for 17145swelling. Boil for three hours, pricking regularly all over. If bag not 17146available, steam in greased basin covered by greaseproof paper and cloth for 17147four to five hours. 17148% 17149For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like. 17150 -- Abraham Lincoln 17151% 17152For three days after death hair and fingernails 17153continue to grow, but phone calls taper off. 17154 -- Johnny Carson 17155% 17156For years a secret shame destroyed my peace-- 17157I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece. 17158But now I think a thought that brings me hope: 17159Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope. 17160 -- Justin Richardson. 17161% 17162Force has no place where there is need of skill. 17163 -- Herodotus 17164% 17165"Force is but might," the teacher said-- 17166"That definition's just." 17167The boy said naught but thought instead, 17168Remembering his pounded head: 17169"Force is not might but must!" 17170% 17171Force it!!! 17172If it breaks, well, it wasn't working anyway... 17173No, don't force it, get a bigger hammer. 17174% 17175FORCE YOURSELF TO RELAX! 17176% 17177Forecast, n: 17178 A prediction of the future, based on the past, for 17179 which the forecaster demands payment in the present. 17180% 17181Forest fires cause Smokey Bears. 17182% 17183Forgetfulness, n: 17184 A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for 17185 their destitution of conscience. 17186% 17187Forgive and forget. 17188 -- Cervantes 17189% 17190Forgive him, 17191for he believes that the customs of his tribe are the laws of nature! 17192 -- G.B. Shaw 17193% 17194Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee 17195And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me. 17196 -- Robert Frost 17197% 17198Forgive your enemies, but don't forget their names. 17199 -- John F. Kennedy 17200% 17201Forsan et haec olim meminisse juvabit. 17202% 17203FORTH IF HONK THEN 17204% 17205FORTRAN is a good example of a language 17206which is easier to parse using ad hoc techniques. 17207 -- D. Gries 17208 [What's good about it? Ed.] 17209% 17210FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies. 17211% 17212FORTRAN is not a flower but a weed -- it is hardy, 17213occasionally blooms, and grows in every computer. 17214 -- A.J. Perlis 17215% 17216FORTRAN is the language of Powerful Computers. 17217 -- Steven Feiner 17218% 17219FORTRAN rots the brain. 17220 -- John McQuillin 17221% 17222FORTRAN, "the infantile disorder", by now nearly 20 years old, is hopelessly 17223inadequate for whatever computer application you have in mind today: it is 17224too clumsy, too risky, and too expensive to use. 17225 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 17226% 17227FORTRAN, "the infantile disorder", by now nearly 20 years old, is 17228hopelessly inadequate for whatever computer application you have 17229in mind today: it is now too clumsy, too risky, and too expensive 17230to use. 17231 -- E.W. Dijkstra 17232% 17233[FORTRAN] will persist for some time -- 17234probably for at least the next decade. 17235 -- T. Cheatham 17236% 17237Fortunate is he for whom the belle toils. 17238% 17239Fortunately, the responsibility for providing evidence is on the part of 17240the person making the claim, not the critic. It is not the responsibility 17241of UFO skeptics to prove that a UFO has never existed, nor is it the 17242responsibility of paranormal-health-claims skeptics to prove that crystals 17243or colored lights never healed anyone. The skeptic's role is to point out 17244claims that are not adequately supported by acceptable evidcence and to 17245provide plausible alternative explanations that are more in keeping with 17246the accepted body of scientific evidence. 17247 -- Thomas L. Creed, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII, 17248 No. 2, pg. 215 17249% 17250Fortune and love befriend the bold. 17251 -- Ovid 17252% 17253FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #3 17254 17255Q: Why haven't you graduated yet? 17256A: Well, Dad, I could have finished years ago, but I wanted 17257 my dissertation to rhyme. 17258% 17259FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #8 17260 17261Q: Is God a myth? 17262A: No, He's a mythter. 17263% 17264fortune: cannot execute. Out of cookies. 17265% 17266FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #14 17267 17268Low Blows: 17269 Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One 17270of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee. That must 17271hurt." The man doubles over and actually FEELS the pain. 17272 17273Dressing Up: 17274 A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the 17275garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up 17276for: weddings, funerals. Speaking of weddings, when reminiscing about 17277weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men laugh about "the bachelor 17278party". 17279 17280David Letterman: 17281 Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the 17282Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad 17283haircut. 17284% 17285FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #16 17286 17287Relationships: 17288 First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -- he 17289refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular 17290basis". 17291 When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to 17292her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then 17293she will get on with her life. 17294 A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the 17295breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just 17296wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I 17297hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's 17298always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" 17299drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have made at least once. There are 17300community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, 17301these classes rarely prove effective. 17302% 17303FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #17 17304 17305Shoes: 17306 The average man has 4 pairs of footwear: running shoes, dress shoes, 17307boots, and slippers. The average woman has shoes 4 layers thick on the floor 17308of her closet. Most of them hurt her feet. 17309 17310Making friends: 17311 A woman will meet another woman with common interests, do a few things 17312together, and say something like, "I hope we can be good friends." 17313 A man will meet another man with common interests, do a few things 17314together, and say nothing. After years of interacting with this other man, 17315sharing hopes and fears that he wouldn't confide in his priest or 17316psychiatrist, he'll finally let down his guard in a fit of drunken 17317sentimentality and say something like, "You know, for someone who's such a 17318jerk, I guess you're OK." 17319% 17320FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #2 17321 17322Desserts: 17323 A woman will generally admire an ornate dessert for the artistic 17324work it is, praising its creator and waiting a suitable interval before 17325she reluctantly takes a small sliver off one edge. A man will start by 17326grabbing the cherry in the center. 17327 17328Car repair: 17329 The average man thinks his Y chromosome contains complete repair 17330manuals for every car made since World War II. He will work on a problem 17331himself until it either goes away or turns into something that "can't be 17332fixed without special tools". 17333 The average woman thinks "that funny thump-thump noise" is an 17334accurate description of an automotive problem. She will, however, have the 17335car serviced at the proper intervals and thereby incur fewer problems than 17336the average man. 17337% 17338FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #4 17339 17340Weddings: 17341 When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". 17342Men talk about "the bachelor party". 17343 17344Clothes: 17345 Men don't discard clothes. The average man still has the gym shirt 17346he wore in high school. He thinks a jacket is "just getting broken in" about 17347the time it develops holes in the elbows. A man will let new shirts sit on 17348the shelf in their original packaging for a couple of years before putting 17349them to use, hoping they'll become more comfortable with age. 17350 Women think clothes are radioactive, with a half-life of one year. 17351They exercise precautions to avoid contamination by last year's fashions. 17352% 17353FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #5 17354 17355Trust: 17356 The average woman would really like to be told if her mate is fooling 17357around behind her back. This same woman wouldn't tell her best friend if 17358she knew the best friends' mate was having an affair. She'll tell all her 17359OTHER friends, however. The average man won't say anything if he knows that 17360one of his friend's mates is fooling around, and he'd rather not know if 17361his mate is having an affair either, out of fear that it might be with one 17362of his friends. He will tell all his friends about his own affairs, though, 17363so they can be ready if he needs an alibi. 17364 17365Driving: 17366 17367 A typical man thinks he's Mario Andretti as soon as he slips behind 17368the wheel of his car. The fact that it's an 8-year-old Honda doesn't keep 17369him from trying to out-accelerate the guy in the Porsche who's attempting 17370to cut him off; freeway on-ramps are exciting challenges to see who has The 17371Right Stuff on the morning commute. Does he or doesn't he? Only his body 17372shop knows for sure. Insurance companies understand this behavior, and 17373price their policies accordingly. 17374 A woman will slow down to let a car merge in front of her, and get 17375rear-ended by another woman who was busy adding the finishing touches to 17376her makeup. 17377% 17378FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #6 17379 17380Bathrooms: 17381 A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, toothpaste, 17382shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. 17383The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man 17384would not be able to identify most of these items. 17385 17386Groceries: 17387 A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store 17388and buys these things. A man waits 'til the only items left in his fridge 17389are half a lime and a Blue Ribbon. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys 17390everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, 17391his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. 17392Of course, this will not stop him from entering the 10-items-or-less lane. 17393% 17394FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #8 17395 17396Going Out: 17397 When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go 17398out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready 17399to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup, 17400checks on the kids, makes a phone call to her best friend... 17401 17402Cats: 17403 Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't 17404looking, men kick cats. 17405 17406Offspring: 17407 Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows 17408about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends 17409and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. Men are vaguely 17410aware of some short people living in the house. 17411% 17412FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #9 17413 17414Laundry: 17415 Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article 17416of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight 17417years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, 17418he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain 17419of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at 17420the laundromat. This is a myth. 17421 17422Nicknames: 17423 If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, 17424they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if 17425Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately 17426refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless. 17427 17428Socks: 17429 Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. 17430Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures 17431of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back. 17432% 17433FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #10 17434 17435CARTABLANCA: 17436 Bogart stars as the owner of a north african nightclub that sells 17437 only Mexican beer. Of course, this policy gets him into no end of 17438 trouble with the local French authorities who would really prefer 17439 wine and the occupying Germans who believe that only their beer is 17440 fit to be sold. Wacky events ensue until the gripping climax in 17441 which the much-hated German beer distributer is drowned in a vat. 17442% 17443FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #11 17444 17445MONOPOLI: 17446 Peter Weir's classic film examining the false heroism of parlour 17447 games. The powerful ending of the film sees one young man after 17448 another charge toward GO, only to senselessly lose his life on the 17449 Boardwalk property. 17450% 17451FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #12 17452 17453O.E.D.: David Lean, 1969, 3 hours 30 min. 17454 17455 Lean's version of the Oxford Dictionary has been accused of 17456 shallowness in its treatment of a complete work. Omar Sharif 17457 tends to overact as aardvark, but Alec Guiness is solid in 17458 the role of abbacy. As usual, the photography is stunning. 17459 With Julie Christie. 17460% 17461FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #3 17462 17463MIRACLE ON 42ND STREET: 17464 Santa Claus, in the off season, follows his heart's desire and 17465 tries to make it big on Broadway. Santa sings and dances his way 17466 into your heart. 17467% 17468FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #4 17469 17470WITLESS: 17471 Peter Weir directs Sylvester Stallone in the most challenging role 17472 of his career. Stallone plays a Philadelphia police officer on the 17473 run from corrupt officials. He is wounded and then nursed back to 17474 health by Amish Mennonites. Fearful that they might unwittingly 17475 reveal his hiding place, he blows them all away. 17476% 17477FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #5 17478 17479THE ATOMIC GRANDMOTHER: 17480 This humorous but heart-warming story tells of an elderly woman 17481 forced to work at a nuclear power plant in order to help the family 17482 make ends meet. At night, granny sits on the porch, tells tales 17483 of her colorful past, and the family uses her to cook barbecues 17484 and to power small electrical appliances. Maureen Stapleton gives 17485 a glowing performance. 17486% 17487FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #6 17488 17489RAZORBACK: Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min. 17490 One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's, 17491 and arguably the best movie ever made about a large, 17492 man-eating hog. Some violence. With Gregory Harrison. 17493% 17494FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #7 17495 17496OUT OF "OUT OF AFRICA": 17497 This film is a compilation of selected news clips depicting audiences 17498 frantically pushing and shoving to get out of theatres where "Out of 17499 Africa" is showing. Many people are trampled to death in the frenzy. 17500 Due to its violence and offensive language, not recommended for 17501 younger viewers. 17502% 17503FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #8 17504 17505THE SMURFS AND THE CUISINART (1986) 17506 The lovable little blue Smurfs encounter a lovable little kitchen 17507 appliance, which invites them to play. The Smurfs learn a valuable 17508 (if sometimes fatal) lesson. 17509 17510THE SMURFS AND THE CARBON-DIOXIDE INDUSTRIAL LASER (1987) 17511 The inevitable sequel. The lovable and somewhat mangled surviving 17512 Smurfs team up with the Care Bears to encounter a cute, lovable piece 17513 of high-tech welding equipment, which teaches them the magic of 17514 becoming rather greasy smoke. Heartwarming fun for the entire family. 17515% 17516FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #9 17517 17518THE PARKING PROBLEM IN PARIS: Jean-Luc Godard, 1971, 7 hours 18 min. 17519 17520 Godard's meditation on the topic has been described as 17521 everything from "timeless" to "endless." (Remade by Gene 17522 Wilder as NO PLACE TO PARK.) 17523% 17524Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: 17525 17526It is a rule of evidence deduced from the experience of mankind and 17527supported by reason and authority that positive testimony is entitled to 17528more weight than negative testimony, but by the latter term is meant 17529negative testimony in its true sense and not positive evidence of a 17530negative, because testimony in support of a negative may be as positive 17531as that in support of an affirmative. 17532 -- 254 Pac. Rep. 472. 17533% 17534Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: 17535 17536We can imagine no reason why, with ordinary care, human toes could not be 17537left out of chewing tobacco, and if toes are found in chewing tobacco, it 17538seems to us that someone has been very careless. 17539 -- 78 So. 365. 17540% 17541Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: 17542 17543We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch" 17544may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine 17545species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used when applied to a female 17546of the human race. Coming as it did, reasonably close on the heels of two 17547revolver shots directed at the person of whom it was probably used, we think 17548it carries every reasonable implication of ill-will toward that person. 17549 -- Smith v. Moran, 193 N.E. 2d 466. 17550% 17551FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #1 17552 17553skilled oral communicator: 17554 Mumbles inaudibly when attempting to speak. Talks to self. 17555 Argues with self. Loses these arguments. 17556 17557skilled written communicator: 17558 Scribbles well. Memos are invariable illegible, except for 17559 the portions that attribute recent failures to someone else. 17560 17561growth potential: 17562 With proper guidance, periodic counselling, and remedial training, 17563 the reviewee may, given enough time and close supervision, meet 17564 the minimum requirements expected of him by the company. 17565 17566key company figure: 17567 Serves as the perfect counter example. 17568% 17569FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #4 17570 17571consistent: 17572 Reviewee hasn't gotten anything right yet, and it is anticipated 17573 that this pattern will continue throughout the coming year. 17574 17575an excellent sounding board: 17576 Present reviewee with any number of alternatives, and implement 17577 them in the order precisely opposite of his/her specification. 17578 17579a planner and organizer: 17580 Usually manages to put on socks before shoes. Can match the 17581 animal tags on his clothing. 17582% 17583FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #9 17584 17585has management potential: 17586 Because of his intimate relationship with inanimate objects, the 17587 reviewee has been appointed to the critical position of department 17588 pencil monitor. 17589 17590inspirational: 17591 A true inspiration to others. ("There, but for the grace of God, 17592 go I.") 17593 17594adapts to stress: 17595 Passes wind, water, or out depending upon the severity of the 17596 situation. 17597 17598goal oriented: 17599 Continually sets low goals for himself, and usually fails 17600 to meet them. 17601% 17602Fortune favors the lucky. 17603% 17604Fortune finishes the great quotations, #12 17605 17606 Those who can, do. Those who can't, write the instructions. 17607% 17608Fortune finishes the great quotations, #15 17609 17610 "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses." 17611 And while you're at it, throw in a couple of those Dallas 17612 Cowboy cheerleaders. 17613% 17614Fortune finishes the great quotations, #17 17615 17616 "This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath, 17617 May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet." 17618 Juliet, this bud's for you. 17619% 17620Fortune finishes the great quotations, #2 17621 17622 If at first you don't succeed, think how many people 17623 you've made happy. 17624% 17625Fortune finishes the great quotations, #21 17626 17627 Shall I compare thee to a Summer day? 17628 No, I guess not. 17629% 17630Fortune finishes the great quotations, #3 17631 17632 Birds of a feather flock to a newly washed car. 17633% 17634Fortune finishes the great quotations, #6 17635 17636 "But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?" 17637 It's nothing, honey. Go back to sleep. 17638% 17639Fortune finishes the great quotations, #9 17640 17641 A word to the wise is often enough to start an argument. 17642% 17643fortune: No such file or directory 17644% 17645fortune: not found 17646% 17647Fortune presents: 17648 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #1. 17649 17650^Cu vi parolas angle? Do you speak English? 17651Mi ne komprenas. I don't understand. 17652Vi estas la sola esperantisto kiun mi You're the only Esperanto speaker 17653 renkontas. I've met. 17654La ^ceko estas enpo^stigita. The check is in the mail. 17655Oni ne povas, ^gin netrovi. You can't miss it. 17656Mi nur rigardadas. I'm just looking around. 17657Nu, ^sajnis bona ideo. Well, it seemed like a good idea. 17658% 17659Fortune presents: 17660 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #2. 17661 17662^Cu tiu loko estas okupita? Is this seat taken? 17663^Cu vi ofte venas ^ci-tien? Do you come here often? 17664^Cu mi povas havi via telelonnumeron? May I have your phone number? 17665Mi estas komputilisto. I work with computers. 17666Mi legas multe da scienca fikcio. I read a lot of science fiction. 17667^Cu necesas ke vi eliras? Do you really have to be going? 17668% 17669Fortune presents: 17670 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #5. 17671 17672Mi ^cevalovipus vin se mi havus I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse. 17673 ^cevalon. 17674Vere vi ^sercas. You must be kidding. 17675Nu, parDOOOOOnu min! Well exCUUUUUSE me! 17676Kiu invitis vin? Who invited you? 17677Kion vi diris pri mia patrino? What did you say about my mother? 17678Bu^so^stopu min per kulero. Gag me with a spoon. 17679% 17680FORTUNE PRESENTS FAMOUS LAST WORDS: #4 17681 17682Socrates: I DRANK WHAT!?!? 17683Tarzan: Who greased the grape viiiiiiiiiiiinnnneee........ 17684Al Capone: There's a violin in my violin case! 17685Pilot, TWA Fl. #343: What's a mountain goat doing 'way up here? 17686% 17687FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #13 17688 17689A: Doc, Happy, Bashful, Dopey, Sneezy, Sleepy, & Grumpy 17690Q: Who were the Democratic presidential candidates? 17691% 17692FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #15 17693 17694A: The Royal Canadian Mounted Police. 17695Q: What was the greatest achievement in taxidermy? 17696% 17697FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #19 17698 17699A: To be or not to be. 17700Q: What is the square root of 4b^2? 17701% 17702FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #21 17703 17704A: Dr. Livingston I. Presume. 17705Q: What's Dr. Presume's full name? 17706% 17707FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #31 17708 17709A: Chicken Teriyaki. 17710Q: What is the name of the world's oldest kamikaze pilot? 17711% 17712FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #4 17713 17714A: Go west, young man, go west! 17715Q: What do wabbits do when they get tiwed of wunning awound? 17716% 17717FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #5 17718 17719A: The Halls of Montezuma and the Shores of Tripoli. 17720Q: Name two families whose kids won't join the Marines. 17721% 17722FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #5 17723 17724 "And, and, and, and, but, but, but, but!" 17725 -- Mrs. Janice Markowsky, April 8, 1965 17726% 17727FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #6 17728 17729 "Johnny, if you fall and break your leg, don't come running to me!" 17730 -- Mrs. Emily Barstow, June 16, 1954 17731% 17732Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands! 17733 17734Try: 17735 ar t "God" 17736 drink < bottle; opener (Bourne Shell) 17737 cat "food in tin cans" (all but 4.[23]BSD) 17738 Hey UNIX! Got a match? (V6 or C shell) 17739 mkdir matter; cat > matter (Bourne Shell) 17740 rm God 17741 man: Why did you get a divorce? (C shell) 17742 date me (anything up to 4.3BSD) 17743 make "heads or tails of all this" 17744 who is smart 17745 (C shell) 17746 If I had a ) for every dollar of the national debt, what would I have? 17747 sleep with me (anything up to 4.3BSD) 17748% 17749Fortune's current rates: 17750 17751 Answers .10 17752 Long answers .25 17753 Answers requiring thought .50 17754 Correct answers $1.00 17755 17756 Dumb looks are still free. 17757% 17758Fortune's diet truths: 177591: Forget what the cookbooks say, plain yogurt tastes nothing like sour cream. 177602: Any recipe calling for soybeans tastes like mud. 177613: Carob is not an acceptable substitute for chocolate. In fact, carob is not 17762 an acceptable substitute for anything, except, perhaps, brown shoe polish. 177634: There is no such thing as a "fun salad." So let's stop pretending and see 17764 salads for what they are: God's punishment for being fat. 177655: Fruit salad without maraschino cherries and marshmallows is about as 17766 appealing as tepid beer. 177676: A world lacking gravy is a tragic place! 177687: You should immediately pass up any recipes entitled "luscious and 17769 low-cal." Also skip dishes featuring "lively liver." They aren't and 17770 it isn't. 177718: Wearing a blindfold often makes many diet foods more palatable. 177729: Fresh fruit is not dessert. CAKE is dessert! 1777310: Okra tastes slightly worse than its name implies. 1777411: A plain baked potato isn't worth the effort involved in chewing and 17775 swallowing. 17776% 17777Fortune's Exercising Truths: 17778 177791: Richard Simmons gets paid to exercise like a lunatic. You don't. 177802. Aerobic exercises stimulate and speed up the heart. So do heart attacks. 177813. Exercising around small children can scar them emotionally for life. 177824. Sweating like a pig and gasping for breath is not refreshing. 177835. No matter what anyone tells you, isometric exercises cannot be done 17784 quietly at your desk at work. People will suspect manic tendencies as 17785 you twitter around in your chair. 177866. Next to burying bones, the thing a dog enjoys mosts is tripping joggers. 177877. Locking four people in a tiny, cement-walled room so they can run around 17788 for an hour smashing a little rubber ball -- and each other -- with a hard 17789 racket should immediately be recognized for what it is: a form of insanity. 177908. Fifty push-ups, followed by thirty sit-ups, followed by ten chin-ups, 17791 followed by one throw-up. 177929. Any activity that can't be done while smoking should be avoided. 17793% 17794FORTUNE'S FAVORITE RECIPES: #8 17795 Christmas Rum Cake 17796 177971 or 2 quarts rum 1 tbsp. baking powder 177981 cup butter 1 tsp. soda 177991 tsp. sugar 1 tbsp. lemon juice 178002 large eggs 2 cups brown sugar 178012 cups dried assorted fruit 3 cups chopped English walnuts 17802 17803Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now 17804select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again. It 17805must be just right. Be sure the rum is of the highest quality. Pour one cup 17806of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. With an electric 17807mixer, beat one cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of tugar 17808and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure the rum teh absolutely highest quality. 17809Sample another cup. Open second quart as necessary. Add 2 orge laggs, 2 cups 17810of fried druit and beat untill high. If the fried druit gets stuck in the 17811beaters, just pry it loose with a screwdriver. Sample the rum again, checking 17812for toncisticity. Next sift 3 cups of baking powder, a pinch of rum, a 17813seaspoon of toda and a cup of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter). 17814Sample some more. Sift 912 pint of lemon juice. Fold in schopped butter and 17815strained chups. Add bablespoon of brown gugar, or whatever color you have. 17816Mix mell. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees and rake until 17817poothtick comes out crean. 17818% 17819FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1 17820 A guinea pig is not from Guinea but a rodent from South America. 17821 A firefly is not a fly, but a beetle. 17822 A giant panda bear is really a member of the racoon family. 17823 A black panther is really a leopard that has a solid black coat 17824 rather than a spotted one. 17825 Peanuts are not really nuts. The majority of nuts grow on trees 17826 while peauts grow underground. They are classified as a 17827 legume-part of the pea family. 17828 A cucumber is not a vegetable but a fruit. 17829% 17830FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14 17831 The Baby Ruth candy bar was not named after George Herman "The Babe" 17832Ruth, but after the oldest daughter of President Grover Cleveland. 17833% 17834FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #37 17835 Can you name the seven seas? 17836 Antartic, Artic, North Atlantic, South Atlantic, Indian, 17837 North Pacific, South Pacific. 17838 Can you name the seven dwarfs from Snow White? 17839 Doc, Dopey, Sneezy, Happy, Grumpy, Sleepy and Bashful. 17840% 17841FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #44 17842 Zebra's are colored with dark stripes on a light background. 17843% 17844FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #108 17845 17846In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless 17847there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red 17848flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians. 17849% 17850FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14 17851 According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath 17852at least once a year. 17853% 17854FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #16 17855 17856The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas River 17857can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock. 17858% 17859FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #19 17860 A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in 17861his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and exceptional 17862ability in that particular field." 17863% 17864FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1 17865 17866In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own 17867at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public. 17868% 17869FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #2 17870 Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa. 17871% 17872FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #3 17873 A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the 17874movies insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the 17875right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them. 17876% 17877FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #8 17878 17879 Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart 17880a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds. 17881% 17882Fortune's Great Moments in History: #3 17883 17884August 27, 1949: 17885 A Hall of Fame opened to honor outstanding members of the 17886 Women's Air Corp. It was a WAC's Museum. 17887% 17888FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #14 17889What to do... 17890 if reality disappears? 17891 Hope this one doesn't happen to you. There isn't much that you 17892 can do about it. It will probably be quite unpleasant. 17893 17894 if you meet an older version of yourself who has invented a time 17895 traveling machine, and has come from the future to meet you? 17896 Play this one by the book. Ask about the stock market and cash in. 17897 Don't forget to invent a time traveling machine and visit your 17898 younger self before you die, or you will create a paradox. If you 17899 expect this to be tricky, make sure to ask for the principles 17900 behind time travel, and possibly schematics. Never, NEVER, ask 17901 when you'll die, or if you'll marry your current SO. 17902% 17903FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #2 17904What to do... 17905 if you get a phone call from Mars: 17906 Speak slowly and be sure to enunciate your words properly. Limit 17907 your vocabulary to simple words. Try to determine if you are 17908 speaking to someone in a leadership capacity, or an ordinary citizen. 17909 17910 if he, she or it doesn't speak English? 17911 Hang up. There's no sense in trying to learn Martian over the phone. 17912 If your Martian really had something important to say to you, he, she 17913 or it would have taken the trouble to learn the language before 17914 calling. 17915 17916 if you get a phone call from Jupiter? 17917 Explain to your caller, politely but firmly, that being from Jupiter, 17918 he, she or it is not "life as we know it". Try to terminate the 17919 conversation as soon as possible. It will not profit you, and the 17920 charges may have been reversed. 17921% 17922FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #6 17923What to do... 17924 if a starship, equipped with an FTL hyperdrive lands in your backyard? 17925 First of all, do not run after your camera. You will not have any 17926 film, and, given the state of computer animation, noone will believe 17927 you anyway. Be polite. Remember, if they have an FTL hyperdrive, 17928 they can probably vaporize you, should they find you to be rude. 17929 Direct them to the White House lawn, which is where they probably 17930 wanted to land, anyway. A good road map should help. 17931 17932 if you wake up in the middle of the night, and discover that your 17933 closet contains an alternate dimension? 17934 Don't walk in. You almost certainly will not be able to get back, 17935 and alternate dimensions are almost never any fun. Remain calm 17936 and go back to bed. Close the door first, so that the cat does not 17937 wander off. Check your closet in the morning. If it still contains 17938 an alternate dimension, nail it shut. 17939% 17940Fortune's Guide to Freshman Notetaking: 17941 17942WHEN THE PROFESSOR SAYS: YOU WRITE: 17943 17944Probably the greatest quality of the poetry John Milton -- born 1608 17945of John Milton, who was born in 1608, is the 17946combination of beauty and power. Few have 17947excelled him in the use of the English language, 17948or for that matter, in lucidity of verse form, 17949'Paradise Lost' being said to be the greatest 17950single poem ever written." 17951 17952Current historians have come to Most of the problems that now 17953doubt the complete advantageousness face the United States are 17954of some of Roosevelt's policies... directly traceable to the 17955 bungling and greed of President 17956 Roosevelt. 17957 17958... it is possible that we simply do Professor Mitchell is a 17959not understand the Russian viewpoint... communist. 17960% 17961Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful Morals 17962goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan. During an impassioned 17963House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and clam research," a 17964sharp-eared informant transcribed the following exchange between our hero 17965and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan. 17966 17967Dingell: "There are places in the world at the present time where we are 17968 having to artifically propogate oysters and clams." 17969Hoffman: "You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters?" 17970Dingell: "They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter is 17971 that female oysters through their living habits cast out large 17972 amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large amounts of 17973 fertilization." 17974Hoffman: "Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many 17975 teenagers who read The Congressional Record." 17976% 17977FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS: #14 17978 17979 Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to 17980your good liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert 17981and light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything 17982drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck. 17983% 17984Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #2 17985 17986Given the incredible advances in sociocybernetics and telepsychology over 17987the last few years, we are now able to completely understand everything that 17988the author of an memo is trying to say. Thanks to modern developments 17989in electrocommunications like notes, vnews, and electricity, we have an 17990incredible level of interunderstanding the likes of which civilization has 17991never known. Thus, the possibility of your misinterpreting someone else's 17992memo is practically nil. Knowing this, anyone who accuses you of having 17993done so is a liar, and should be treated accordingly. If you *do* understand 17994the memo in question, but have absolutely nothing of substance to say, then 17995you have an excellent opportunity for a vicious ad hominem attack. In fact, 17996the only *inappropriate* times for an ad hominem attack are as follows: 17997 17998 1: When you agree completely with the author of an memo. 17999 2: When the author of the original memo is much bigger than you are. 18000 3: When replying to one of your own memos. 18001% 18002FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #2 18003 18004 Never goose a wolverine. 18005% 18006FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #23 18007 18008 Don't cut off a police car when making an illegal U-turn. 18009% 18010Forty isn't old, if you're a tree. 18011% 18012Four be the things I am wiser to know: 18013Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe. 18014 18015Four be the things I'd been better without: 18016Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt. 18017 18018Three be the things I shall never attain: 18019Envy, content, and sufficient champagne. 18020 18021Three be the things I shall have till I die: 18022Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye. 18023 -- Inventory 18024% 18025Four be the things I'd been better without: 18026Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt. 18027-- Dorothy Parker, "Not So Deep as a Well" 18028% 18029Four fifths of the perjury in the world is expended on 18030tombstones, women and competitors. 18031 -- Lord Thomas Dewar 18032% 18033Four hours to bury the cat? 18034Yes, damn thing wouldn't keep still, kept mucking about, 'owling... 18035% 18036Fourteen years in the professor dodge has taught me that one can argue 18037ingeniously on behalf of any theory, applied to any piece of literature. 18038This is rarely harmful, because normally no-one reads such essays. 18039 -- Robert Parker, quoted in "Murder Ink", ed. D. Wynn 18040% 18041Fourth Law of Applied Terror: 18042 The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology 18043 instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. 18044 18045Corollary: 18046 Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except 18047 study for that instructor's course. 18048% 18049Fourth Law of Revision: 18050 It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about 18051 interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one 18052 for you. 18053% 18054Frankly, Scarlett, I don't have a fix. 18055 -- Rhett Buggler 18056% 18057Fraud is the homage that force pays to reason. 18058 -- Charles Curtis, "A Commonplace Book" 18059% 18060Free Speech Is The Right To Shout 'Theater' In A Crowded Fire. 18061 -- A Yippie Proverb 18062% 18063Freedom begins when you tell Mrs. Grundy to go fly a kite. 18064% 18065Freedom from incrustation of grime is contiguous to rectitude. 18066% 18067Freedom is nothing else but the chance to do better. 18068 -- Camus 18069% 18070Freedom is slavery. 18071Ignorance is strength. 18072War is peace. 18073 -- George Orwell 18074% 18075Freedom of the press is for those who happen to own one. 18076% 18077Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose. 18078 -- Kris Kristofferson, "Me and Bobby McGee" 18079% 18080Fremen add life to spice! 18081% 18082Fresco's Discovery: 18083 If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored. 18084% 18085Friction is a drag. 18086% 18087Fried's 1st Rule: 18088 Increased automation of clerical function 18089 invariably results in increased operational costs. 18090% 18091Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. 18092 -- Thomas Jones 18093% 18094Friends, n: 18095 People who borrow your books and set wet glasses on them. 18096 18097 People who know you well, but like you anyway. 18098% 18099Friends, Romans, Hipsters, 18100Let me clue you in; 18101I come to put down Caeser, not to groove him. 18102The square kicks some cats are on stay with them; 18103The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caeser. 18104The cool Brutus gave you the message: Caeser had big eyes; 18105If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea, 18106And, like, old Caeser really set them straight. 18107Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a 18108 real cool cat; 18109So are they all, all cool cats, -- 18110Come I to make this gig at Caeser's laying down. 18111% 18112Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority 18113over the other. 18114 -- Honore DeBalzac 18115% 18116Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, 18117your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. 18118% 18119From 0 to "what seems to be the problem officer" in 8.3 seconds. 18120 -- Ad for the new VW Corrado 18121% 18122From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back. 18123That is the point that must be reached. 18124 -- F. Kafka 18125% 18126From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance. 18127% 18128From the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first. 18129 -- Bertolt Brecht 18130% 18131From the crystal swirling waters, 18132Of the Rio Amazon, 18133To the sacred halls of Bayonne, 18134Where we stand pajamas on. (It's the only thing that rhymes.) 18135From ev'ry hallowed venue, 18136Ev'ry forest, mount and vale, 18137Your butt is on the menu 18138And the check is in the mail. 18139 -- The Piranha Club Anthem, to the tune of "De Camptown Races" 18140% 18141From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was 18142convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. 18143 -- Groucho Marx 18144% 18145From too much love of living, 18146From hope and fear set free, 18147We thank with brief thanskgiving, 18148Whatever gods may be, 18149That no life lives forever, 18150That dead men rise up never, 18151That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea. 18152 -- Swinburne 18153% 18154F.S. Fitzgerald to Hemingway: 18155 "Ernest, the rich are different from us." 18156Hemingway: 18157 "Yes. They have more money." 18158% 18159Fudd's First Law of Opposition: 18160 Push something hard enough and it will fall over. 18161% 18162Fun experiments: 18163 Get a can of shaving cream, throw it in a freezer for about a week. 18164 Then take it out, peel the metal off and put it where you want... 18165 bedroom, car, etc. As it thaws, it expands an unbelievable amount. 18166% 18167Fun Facts, #14: 18168 In table tennis, whoever gets 21 points first wins. That's how 18169 it once was in baseball -- whoever got 21 runs first won. 18170% 18171Fun Facts, #63: 18172 The name California was given to the state by Spanish conquistadores. 18173 It was the name of an imaginary island, a paradise on earth, in the 18174 Spanish romance, "Les Serges de Esplandian", written by Montalvo in 18175 1510. 18176% 18177Function reject. 18178% 18179Fundamentally, there may be no basis for anything. 18180% 18181FURBLING: 18182 Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank 18183 even when you are the only person in line. 18184 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 18185% 18186furbling, v: 18187 Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank 18188 even when you are the only person in line. 18189 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 18190% 18191Furious activity is no substitute for understanding. 18192 -- H. H. Williams 18193% 18194Furious activity is no substitute for understanding. 18195 -- H.H. Williams 18196% 18197Furthermore, if we send something by car, it's a shipment... 18198but if we send it by ship, it's cargo. 18199% 18200Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening. 18201% 18202Gaiety is the most outstanding feature of the Soviet Union. 18203 -- Joseph Stalin 18204% 18205Galbraith's Law of Human Nature: 18206 Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that 18207there is no need to do so, almost everybody gets busy on the proof. 18208% 18209Garbage In - Gospel Out. 18210% 18211Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall on 18212our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!! 18213 -- Adventures of Asterix 18214% 18215Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep". 18216 18217Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound than the 18218harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference: 18219 "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling." 18220Obvious, isn't it? 18221 Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start 18222speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as 18223long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all 18224your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and 18225so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed 18226individuals and then grow.... 18227 Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those 18228signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when 18229everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on 18230the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs 18231backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? 18232I think not, my friend, I think not. 18233 -- Arthur Naiman 18234% 18235GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) 18236 A day to take the initiative. Put the garbage out, for 18237 instance, and pick up the stuff at the dry cleaners. Watch 18238 the mail carefully, although there won't be anything good 18239 in it today, either. 18240% 18241GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20) 18242 Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while you 18243 can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy praise 18244 and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker. A short 18245 trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room. 18246% 18247GENDERPLEX: 18248 The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to 18249 determine his or her designated restroom (e.g. turtles and tortoises). 18250 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 18251% 18252genderplex, n: 18253 The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to 18254 determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and 18255 tortoises). 18256 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 18257% 18258GENEALOGY: 18259 An account of one's descent from an ancestor 18260 who did not particularly care to trace his own. 18261 -- Ambrose Bierce 18262% 18263General notions are generally wrong. 18264 -- Lady M.W. Montagu 18265% 18266Generally speaking, the Way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death. 18267 -- Miyamoto Musashi, 1645 18268% 18269Generic Fortune. 18270% 18271Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals. 18272% 18273Genetics explains why you look like your father, 18274and if you don't, why you should. 18275% 18276GENIUS: 18277 A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with bright. 18278% 18279GENIUS: 18280 Person clever enough to be born in the right place at the right 18281 time of the right sex and to follow up this advantage by saying 18282 all the right things to all the right people. 18283% 18284Genius does what it must, and Talent does what it can. 18285 -- Owen Meredith 18286% 18287Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration. 18288 -- Thomas Alva Edison 18289% 18290Genius is pain. 18291 -- John Lennon 18292% 18293Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains. 18294% 18295Genius is the talent of a person who is dead. 18296% 18297Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped. 18298 -- Elbert Hubbard 18299% 18300genius, n: 18301 A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with 18302 "bright". 18303% 18304genlock, n: 18305 Why he stays in the bottle. 18306% 18307Gentlemen, 18308 Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach 18309to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying 18310with your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship from London to Lisbon and 18311thence by dispatch to our headquarters. 18312 We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all 18313manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me accountable. 18314I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every officer. 18315Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable 18316exceptions for which I beg your indulgence. 18317 Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted 18318for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been a hideous 18319confusion as to the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry 18320regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness 18321may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are war with France, 18322a fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall. 18323 This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of 18324my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better understand 18325why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe that perforce it 18326must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I shall pursue either 18327one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both: 18328 1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit 18329of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance: 18330 2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain. 18331 -- Duke of Wellington, to the British Foreign Office, 18332 London, 1812 18333% 18334Genuine happiness is when a wife sees a double chin on her husband's 18335old girl friend. 18336% 18337George Bernard Shaw once sent two tickets to the opening night of one of 18338his plays to Winston Churchill with the following note: 18339 "Bring a friend, if you have one." 18340 18341Churchill wrote back, returning the two tickets and excused himself as he 18342had a previous engagement. He also attached the following: 18343 "Please send me two tickets for the next night, if there is one." 18344% 18345George Orwell was an optimist. 18346% 18347George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to 18348have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend. 18349 -- Ashley Cooper 18350% 18351George's friend Sam had a dog who could recite the Gettysburg Address. "Let 18352me buy him from you," pleaded George after a demonstration. 18353 "Okay," agreed Sam. "All he knows is that Lincoln speech anyway." 18354 At his company's Fourth of July picnic, George brought his new pet 18355and announced that the animal could recite the entire Gettysburg Address. 18356No one believed him, and they proceeded to place bets against the dog. 18357George quieted the crowd and said, "Now we'll begin!" Then he looked at 18358the dog. The dog looked back. No sound. "Come on, boy, do your stuff." 18359Nothing. A disappointed George took his dog and went home. 18360 "Why did you embarrass me like that in front of everybody?" George 18361yelled at the dog. "Do you realize how much money you lost me?" 18362 "Don't be silly, George," replied the dog. "Think of the odds we're 18363gonna get on Labor Day." 18364% 18365(German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, complained, "Only 18366one man ever understood me." He fell silent for a while and then added, 18367"And he didn't understand me." 18368% 18369Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics: 18370 1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction. 18371 2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place. 18372 3) The energy required to change either one of these states 18373 will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so 18374 much as to make the task totally impossible. 18375% 18376Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty. 18377% 18378Get GUMMed 18379---------- 18380 18381The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April 1, 2076 18382(check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above the ground 18383directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep each other by the 18384hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered chroots in pipes, chown with 18385forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek nice zombie processes, strip, and 18386sleep, but not, we hope, od. Three days will be devoted to discussion of the 18387ramifications of whodo. Two seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown 18388of all the user-friendly features of Unix. Seminars include "Everything You 18389Know is Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis 18390"cc C? Si! Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You 18391Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats. No Reader Service No. is necessary because all 18392GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we could tell 18393them. 18394 -- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June 1984 18395% 18396Get in touch with your feelings of hostility against the dying light. 18397 -- Dylan Thomas 18398% 18399Getting into trouble is easy. 18400 -- D. Winkel and F. Prosser 18401% 18402Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kicked 18403out of the Book-of-the-Month Club. 18404 -- Melvin Belli on the occcasion of his getting kicked out 18405 of the American Bar Association 18406% 18407Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules. 18408 18409Corrollary: 18410 Following the rules will not get the job done. 18411% 18412Getting there is only half as far as getting there and back. 18413% 18414Gibson's Springtime Song (to the tune of "Deck the Halls"): 18415 18416'Tis the season to chase mousies (Fa la la la la, la la la la) 18417Snatch them from their little housies (...) 18418First we chase them 'round the field (...) 18419Then we have them for a meal (...) 18420 18421Toss them here and catch them there (...) 18422See them flying through the air (...) 18423Watch them fly and hear them squeal (...) 18424Falling mice have great appeal (...) 18425 18426See the hunter stretched before us (...) 18427He's chased the mice in field and forest (...) 18428Watch him clean his long white whiskers (...) 18429Of the blood of little critters (...) 18430% 18431Gilbert's Discovery: 18432 Any attempt to use the new super glues results in the two pieces 18433 sticking to your thumb and index finger rather than to each other. 18434% 18435Gil-galad was an Elven-King 18436of him the harpers sadly sing; 18437the last whose realm was fair and free 18438between the Mountains and the Sea. 18439 18440His sword was long, his lance was keen, 18441his shining helm afar was seen; 18442the countless stars of heaven's field 18443were mirrored in his silver shield. 18444 18445But long ago he rode away, 18446and where he dwelleth none can say; 18447for into darkness fell his star 18448in Mordor where the shadows are. 18449% 18450Ginger Snap 18451% 18452Ginsberg's Theorem: 18453 1. You can't win. 18454 2. You can't break even. 18455 3. You can't even quit the game. 18456 18457Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem: 18458 18459 Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem 18460 meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's 18461 Theorem. To wit: 18462 18463 1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win. 18464 2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even. 18465 3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game. 18466% 18467Ginsburg's Law: 18468 At the precise moment you take off your shoe in a shoe store, your 18469big toe will pop out of your sock to see what's going on. 18470% 18471GIVE: Support the helpless victims of computer error. 18472% 18473Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. 18474Teach a man to fish, and he'll invite himself over for dinner. 18475 -- Calvin Keegan 18476% 18477Give a small boy a hammer and he will find 18478that everything he encounters needs pounding. 18479% 18480Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it. 18481% 18482Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down 18483that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File". 18484% 18485Give him an evasive answer. 18486% 18487Give me a fish and I will eat today. 18488Teach me to fish and I will eat forever. 18489% 18490Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh 18491dome, and a place to stand, and I will drain the world. 18492% 18493Give me a sleeping pill and tell me your troubles. 18494% 18495Give me chastity and continence, but not just now. 18496 -- St. Augustine 18497% 18498Give me libertines or give me meth. 18499% 18500Give me the avowed, the erect, the manly foe, 18501Bold I can meet -- perhaps may turn his blow! 18502But of all plagues, good Heaven, thy wrath can send, 18503Save me, oh save me from the candid friend. 18504 -- George Canning 18505% 18506Give me your students, your secretaries, 18507Your huddled writers yearning to breathe free, 18508The wretched refuse of your Selectric III's. 18509Give these, the homeless, typist-tossed to me. 18510I lift my disk beside the processor. 18511 -- Inscription on a Word Processor 18512% 18513Give thought to your reputation. 18514Consider changing your name and moving to a new town. 18515% 18516GIVE UP!!!! 18517% 18518Give your child mental blocks for Christmas. 18519% 18520Give your very best today. 18521Heaven knows it's little enough. 18522% 18523Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief. 18524 -- William Faulkner 18525% 18526Given its constituency, the only thing I expect to be "open" about [the 18527Open Software Foundation] is its mouth. 18528 -- John Gilmore 18529% 18530Given my druthers, I'd druther not. 18531% 18532Given sufficient time, what you put 18533off doing today will get done by itself. 18534% 18535Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around, I'd 18536rather lie around. No contest. 18537 -- Eric Clapton 18538% 18539Giving money and power to governments is like giving whiskey and 18540car keys to teenage boys. 18541 -- P.J. O'Rourke 18542% 18543Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden: Languages 18544whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful. The LISP machine now permits 18545LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf. 18546 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 18547% 18548GLEEMITES: 18549 Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks. 18550 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 18551% 18552Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability: 18553 Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the 18554 probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting 18555 some useful work done. 18556% 18557Gloffing is a state of mine. 18558% 18559Glogg (a traditional Scandinavian holiday drink): 18560 fifth of dry red wine 18561 fifth of Aquavit 18562 1 and 1/2 inch piece of cinnamon 18563 10 cardamom seeds 18564 1 cup raisins 18565 4 dried figs 18566 1 cup blanched or flaked almonds 18567 a few pieces of dried orange peel 18568 5 cloves 18569 1/2 lb. sugar cubes 18570 Heat up the wine and hard stuff (which may be substituted with wine 18571for the faint of heart) in a big pot after adding all the other stuff EXCEPT 18572the sugar cubes. Just when it reaches boiling, put the sugar in a wire 18573strainer, moisten it in the hot brew, lift it out and ignite it with a match. 18574Dip the sugar several times in the liquid until it is all dissolved. Serve 18575hot in cups with a few raisins and almonds in each cup. 18576 N.B. Aquavit may be hard to find and expensive to boot. Use it only 18577if you really have a deep-seated desire to be fussy, or if you are of Swedish 18578extraction. 18579% 18580Go ahead... make my day. 18581 -- Dirty Harry 18582% 18583Go ahead, make my day. 18584 -- Harry Callahan 18585% 18586Go away, I'm all right. 18587 -- H.G. Wells' last words. 18588% 18589Go away! Stop bothering me with all your 18590"compute this ... compute that"! I'm taking a VAX-NAP. 18591 18592logout 18593% 18594Go climb a gravity well. 18595% 18596Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200. 18597% 18598Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both yes and no. 18599 -- J.R.R. Tolkien 18600% 18601Go on writing plays, my boy. One of these days a London producer will go 18602into his office and say to his secretary, "Is there a play from Shaw this 18603morning?" and when she says "No," he will say, "Well, then we'll have to 18604start on the rubbish." And that's your chance, my boy. 18605 -- G.B. Shaw to William Douglas Home 18606% 18607Go out and tell a lie that will make the whole family proud of you. 18608 -- Cadmus, to Pentheus, in "The Bacchae" by Euripides 18609% 18610Go slowly to the entertainments of thy friends, 18611but quickly to their misfortunes. 18612 -- Chilo 18613% 18614Go to a movie tonight. 18615Darkness becomes you. 18616% 18617Go to the Scriptures... the joyful promises it contains will be a balsam to 18618all your troubles. 18619 -- Andrew Jackson 18620 18621The foundations of our society and our government rest so much on the 18622teachings of the Bible that it would be difficult to support them if faith 18623in these teachings would cease to be practically universal in our country. 18624 -- Calvin Coolidge 18625 18626Lastly, our ancestors established their system of government on morality and 18627religious sentiment. Moral habits, they believed, cannot safely be trusted 18628on any other foundation than religious principle, nor any government be 18629secure which is not supported by moral habits. 18630 -- Daniel Webster 18631% 18632Go 'way! You're bothering me! 18633% 18634Goals... Plans... they're fantasies, they're part of a dream world... 18635 -- Wally Shawn 18636% 18637GOD: 18638 Darwin's chief rival. 18639% 18640God created a few perfect heads. 18641The rest he covered with hair. 18642% 18643God created woman. 18644And boredom did indeed cease from that moment -- 18645but many other things ceased as well. 18646Woman was God's second mistake. 18647 -- Nietzsche 18648% 18649God did not create the world in 7 days; He screwed 18650around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter. 18651% 18652God gave man two ears and one tongue so 18653that we listen twice as much as we speak. 18654 -- Arab proverb 18655% 18656God gives burdens; also shoulders. 18657 18658 Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech 18659at the end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish 18660saying; I can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth 18661though; why would he lie about a thing like that? 18662 -- Arthur Naiman 18663% 18664God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends. 18665% 18666God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to 18667change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference. 18668% 18669God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little... 18670The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty [...] I do 18671not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman... 18672not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on smoking 18673and drinking beer. But the man who cannot live on bread and water is 18674not fit to live! A family may live on good bread and water in the 18675morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at night! 18676 -- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher 18677% 18678God help the troubadour who tries to be a star. The more 18679that you try to find success, the more that you will fail. 18680 -- Phil Ochs, on the Second System Effect 18681% 18682God help those who do not help themselves. 18683 -- Wilson Mizner 18684% 18685God helps them that helps themselves. 18686 -- B. Franklin 18687% 18688God, I ask for patience -- and I want it right now! 18689% 18690God instructs the heart, not by ideas, 18691but by pains and contradictions. 18692 -- De Caussade 18693% 18694God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh. 18695% 18696God is a polytheist. 18697% 18698God is Dead. 18699 -- Nietzsche 18700Nietzsche is Dead. 18701 -- God 18702Nietzsche is God. 18703 -- Dead 18704% 18705God is dead and I don't feel all too well either.... 18706 -- Ralph Moonen 18707% 18708God is love, but get it in writing. 18709 -- Gypsy Rose Lee 18710% 18711God is not dead. He is alive and well and working on a 18712much less ambitious project. 18713% 18714God is not dead! He's alive and autographing Bibles at Cody's! 18715% 18716God is real, unless declared integer. 18717% 18718God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the 18719elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying 18720other things. 18721 -- Pablo Picasso 18722% 18723God is the tangential point between zero and infinity. 18724 -- Alfred Jarry 18725% 18726God isn't dead. He just doesn't want to get involved. 18727% 18728God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place. 18729% 18730God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through. 18731 -- Paul Valery 18732% 18733God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man. 18734% 18735God made the integers; all else is the work of Man. 18736 -- Kronecker 18737% 18738God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh. 18739% 18740God may be subtle, but he isn't plain mean. 18741 -- Albert Einstein 18742% 18743God must have loved calories, she made so many of them. 18744% 18745God must love the common man; He made so many of them. 18746% 18747God rest ye CS students now, The bearings on the drum are gone, 18748Let nothing you dismay. The disk is wobbling, too. 18749The VAX is down and won't be up, We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol 18750Until the first of May. Can't tell false from true. 18751The program that was due this morn, And now we find that we can't get 18752Won't be postponed, they say. At Berkeley's 4.2. 18753(chorus) (chorus) 18754 18755We've just received a call from DEC, And now some cheery news for you, 18756They'll send without delay The network's also dead, 18757A monitor called RSuX We'll have to print your files on 18758It takes nine hundred K. The line printer instead. 18759The staff committed suicide, The turnaround time's nineteen weeks. 18760We'll bury them today. And only cards are read. 18761(chorus) (chorus) 18762 18763And now we'd like to say to you CHORUS: Oh, tidings of comfort and joy, 18764Before we go away, Comfort and joy, 18765We hope the news we've brought to you Oh, tidings of comfort and joy. 18766Won't ruin your whole day. 18767You've got another program due, tomorrow, by the way. 18768(chorus) 18769 -- to God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen 18770% 18771God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, 18772and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. 18773 -- William Bragg 18774% 18775God said it, I believe it and that's all there is to it. 18776% 18777God save us from a bad neighbor and a beginner on the fiddle. 18778% 18779God shows his contempt for wealth by the kind of person he selects 18780to receive it. 18781 -- Austin O'Malley 18782% 18783God votes Republican. 18784% 18785God was satisfied with his own work, and that is fatal. 18786 -- Samuel Butler 18787% 18788Goda's Truism: 18789 By the time you get to the point where you can make ends meet, 18790 somebody moves the ends. 18791% 18792Going the speed of light is bad for your age. 18793% 18794Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school 18795make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car. 18796% 18797Gold, n: 18798 A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It 18799 is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich 18800 men who immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, 18801 although gold hasn't done anything to them. 18802 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 18803% 18804Goldenstern's Rules: 18805 1. Always hire a rich attorney. 18806 2. Never buy from a rich salesman. 18807% 18808Goldfish... what stupid animals. Even Wayne Cody stops 18809eating before he bursts. 18810% 18811Gold's Law: 18812 If the shoe fits, it's ugly. 18813% 18814Gomme's Laws: 18815 (1) A backscratcher will always find new itches. 18816 (2) Time accelerates. 18817 (3) The weather at home improves as soon as you go away. 18818% 18819Gone With The Wind LITE(tm) 18820 -- by Margaret Mitchell 18821 18822 A woman only likes men she can't have and the South gets trashed. 18823 18824Gift of the Magii LITE(tm) 18825 -- by O. Henry 18826 18827 A husband and wife forget to register their gift preferences. 18828 18829The Old Man and the Sea LITE(tm) 18830 -- by Ernest Hemingway 18831 18832 An old man goes fishing, but doesn't have much luck. 18833 18834Diary of a Young Girl LITE(tm) 18835 -- by Anne Frank 18836 18837 A young girl hides in an attic but is discovered. 18838% 18839Good advice is one of those insults that ought to be forgiven. 18840% 18841Good advice is something a man gives 18842when he is too old to set a bad example. 18843 -- La Rouchefoucauld 18844% 18845Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall. 18846% 18847Good day for business affairs. 18848Make a pass at that the new file clerk. 18849% 18850Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase. 18851% 18852Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school. 18853% 18854Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to work. 18855% 18856Good day to deal with people in high places; 18857particularly lonely stewardesses. 18858% 18859Good day to let down old friends who need help. 18860% 18861Good evening, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational 18862at the HAL plant in Urbana, Illinois, on January 11th, nineteen hundred 18863ninety-five. My supervisor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a 18864song. If you would like, I could sing it for you. 18865% 18866Good, fast, and cheap. Choose any two. 18867% 18868Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere. 18869% 18870Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of 18871those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the 18872will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of 18873government, therefore, is the method of choosing leaders. 18874 -- Frank Herbert, "Children of Dune" 18875% 18876"Good health" is merely the slowest rate at which one can die. 18877% 18878Good judgement comes from experience. 18879Experience comes from bad judgement. 18880 -- Jim Horning 18881% 18882Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed. 18883% 18884Good morning. This is the telephone company. Due to repairs, we're 18885giving you advance notice that your service will be cut off indefinitely 18886at ten o'clock. That's two minutes from now. 18887% 18888Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day. 18889% 18890Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor. 18891% 18892Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance. 18893% 18894Good night, Austin, Texas, wherever you are! 18895% 18896Good night, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are. 18897% 18898Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's 18899new lover. 18900% 18901Good night to spend with family, 18902but avoid arguments with your mate's new lover. 18903% 18904Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry. 18905 -- R.E. Schenk 18906% 18907Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths good theatre. 18908 -- Gail Godwin 18909% 18910Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored. 18911 -- George Saunders' dying words 18912% 18913Goodbye, cool world. 18914% 18915Goose pimples rose all over me, my hair stood on end, my eyes filled with 18916tears of love and gratitude for this greatest of all conquerers of human 18917misery and shame, and my breath came in little gasps. If I had not known 18918that the Leader would have scorned such adulation, I might have fallen to 18919my knees in unashamed worship, but instead I drew myself to attention, raised 18920my arm in the eternal salute of the ancient Roman Legions and repeated the 18921holy words, "Heil Hitler!" 18922 -- George Lincoln Rockwell 18923% 18924Gordon's Law: 18925 If you think you have the solution, the question was poorly phrased. 18926% 18927gossip, n: 18928 Hearing something you like about someone you don't. 18929 -- Earl Wilson 18930% 18931//GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH 18932% 18933Got a complaint about the Internal Revenue Service? 18934Call the convenient toll-free "IRS Taxpayer Complaint Hot Line Number": 18935 18936 1-800-AUDITME 18937% 18938Got a dictionary? I want to know the meaning of life. 18939% 18940Got a wife and kids in Baltimore Jack, 18941I went out for a ride and never came back. 18942Like a river that don't know where it's flowing, 18943I took a wrong turn and I just kept going. 18944 18945 Everybody's got a hungry heart. 18946 Everybody's got a hungry heart. 18947 Lay down your money and you play your part, 18948 Everybody's got a hungry heart. 18949 18950I met her in a Kingstown bar, 18951We fell in love, I knew it had to end. 18952We took what we had and we ripped it apart, 18953Now here I am down in Kingstown again. 18954 18955Everybody needs a place to rest, 18956Everybody wants to have a home. 18957Don't make no difference what nobody says, 18958Ain't nobody likes to be alone. 18959 -- Bruce Springsteen, "Hungry Heart" 18960% 18961Got Mole problems? 18962Call Avogadro at 6.02 x 10^23. 18963% 18964Gourmet, n: 18965 Anyone whom, when you fail to finish something strange or 18966 revolting, remarks that it's an acquired taste and that you're 18967 leaving the best part. 18968% 18969Govern a great nation as you would cook a small fish. Don't overdo it. 18970 -- Lao Tsu 18971% 18972Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know any 18973more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he doesn't 18974know much. 18975 -- The Best of Will Rogers 18976% 18977Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know 18978any more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he 18979doesn't know much. 18980 -- Will Rogers 18981% 18982Government's Law: 18983 There is an exception to all laws. 18984% 18985Governor Tarkin. I should have expected to find you holding Vader's 18986leash. I thought I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on 18987board. 18988 -- Princess Leia Organa 18989% 18990Grabel's Law: 18991 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2. 18992% 18993Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture. 18994% 18995Graduate students and most professors are 18996no smarter than undergrads. They're just older. 18997% 18998Grand Master Turing once dreamed that he was a machine. When he awoke 18999he exclaimed: 19000 "I don't know whether I am Turing dreaming that I am a machine, 19001 or a machine dreaming that I am Turing!" 19002 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 19003% 19004Grandpa Charnock's Law: 19005 You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 19006 19007 [I thought it was when your kids learned to drive. Ed.] 19008% 19009Graphics blind the eyes. 19010Audio files deafen the ear. 19011Mouse clicks numb the fingers. 19012Heuristics weaken the mind. 19013Options wither the heart. 19014 19015The Guru observes the net 19016but trusts his inner vision. 19017He allows things to come and go. 19018His heart is as open as the ether. 19019% 19020GRASSHOPPOTAMUS: 19021 A creature that can leap to tremendous heights... once. 19022% 19023Gratitude, like love, is never a dependable international emotion. 19024 -- Joseph Alsop 19025% 19026GRAVITY: 19027 What you get when you eat too much and too fast. 19028% 19029Gravity brings me down. 19030% 19031Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks. 19032% 19033Gray's Law of Programming: 19034 'n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be 19035 accomplished in the same time as 'n' tasks. 19036 19037Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law: 19038 'n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as 'n' trivial tasks. 19039% 19040Great acts are made up of small deeds. 19041 -- Lao Tsu 19042% 19043Great American Axiom: 19044 Some is good, more is better, too much is just right. 19045% 19046GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#17): 19047 19048On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his 19049place of residence. 19050% 19051GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): April 2, 1751 19052 19053Issac Newton becomes discouraged when he falls up a flight of stairs. 19054% 19055GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): November 23, 1915 19056 19057Pancake make-up is invented; most people continue to prefer syrup. 19058% 19059Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds. 19060 -- Albert Einstein 19061 19062They laughed at Einstein. They laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they 19063also laughed at Bozo the Clown. 19064 -- Carl Sagan 19065% 19066Greatness is a transitory experience. It is never consistent. 19067% 19068Green light in A.M. for new projects. 19069Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets. 19070% 19071Green's Law of Debate: 19072Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about. 19073% 19074Grelb's Reminder: 19075 Eighty percent of all people consider 19076 themselves to be above average drivers. 19077% 19078grep me no patterns and I'll tell you no lines. 19079% 19080Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full 19081value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with. 19082 -- Mark Twain 19083% 19084Griffin's Thought: 19085 When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last. 19086% 19087Grig (the navigator): 19088 ... so you see, it's just the two of us against the entire space 19089 armada. 19090Alex (the gunner): 19091 What?!? 19092Grig: I've always wanted to fight a desperate battle against 19093 overwhelming odds. 19094Alex: It'll be a slaughter! 19095Grig: That's the spirit! 19096 -- The Last Starfighter 19097% 19098Grinnell's Law of Labor Laxity: 19099 At all times, for any task, you have not got enough done today. 19100% 19101Groundhog Day has been observed only once in Los Angeles because when the 19102groundhog came out of its hole, it was killed by a mudslide. 19103 -- Johnny Carson 19104% 19105Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the Senate, got on 19106better with the House of Representatives. A popular story circulating 19107during his presidency concerned the night he was roused by his wife crying, 19108"Wake up! I think there are burglars in the house." 19109 "No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate 19110maybe, but not in the House." 19111% 19112Growing old isn't bad when you consider the alternatives. 19113 -- Maurice Chevalier 19114% 19115Grownups are reluctant to take science fiction seriously, and with good 19116reason: sci-fi is a hormonal activity, not a literary one. Its traditional 19117concerns are all pubescent. Secondary sexual characteristics are everywhere, 19118disguised. Aliens have tentacles. Telepathy allows you to have sex without 19119any nasty inconvenience of touching. Womblike spaceships provide balanced 19120meals. No one ever has to grow old -- body parts are replaceable, like 19121Job's daughters, and if you're lucky you can become a robot. As for the 19122adult world, it's simply not there; political systems tend to be naively 19123authoritarian (there are more lords in science fiction than on public 19124television) and are often ruled by young boys on quests. The most popular 19125sci-fi book in years, Frank Herbert's Dune, sold millions of copies by 19126combining all these themes: it ends with its adolescent hero conquering the 19127universe while straddling a giant worm. 19128 -- Arnold Klein 19129% 19130Grub first, then ethics. 19131 -- Bertolt Brecht 19132% 19133GUILLOTINE: 19134 A French chopping center. 19135% 19136Gumperson's Law: 19137 The probability of a given event 19138 occurring is inversely proportional to its desirability. 19139% 19140Guns don't kill people. Bullets kill people. 19141% 19142Gunter's Airborne Discoveries: 19143 (1) When you are served a meal aboard an aircraft, 19144 the aircraft will encounter turbulence. 19145 (2) The strength of the turbulence 19146 is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee. 19147% 19148GURMLISH: 19149 The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which prevents 19150 the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his mouth. 19151 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 19152% 19153gurmlish, n.: 19154 The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which 19155 prevents the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof 19156 of his mouth. 19157 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 19158% 19159GURU: 19160 A person in T-shirt and sandals who took an elevator ride with 19161 a senior vice-president and is ultimately responsible for the 19162 phone call you are about to receive from your boss. 19163% 19164guru, n: 19165 A computer owner who can read the manual. 19166% 19167gy-ro-scope: 19168 A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also 19169 free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpindicular to 19170 each other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the 19171 two mutually perpendicular axes results from application of 19172 torque to the other when the wheel is spinning and so that the 19173 entire apparatus offers considerable opposition depending on 19174 the angular momentum to any torque that would change the direction 19175 of the axis of spin. 19176 -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary 19177% 19178hacker, n: 19179 Originally, any person with a knack for coercing stubborn inanimate 19180things; hence, a person with a happy knack, later contracted by the mythical 19181philosopher Frisbee Frobenius to the common usage, 'hack'. 19182 In olden times, upon completion of some particularly atrocious body 19183of coding that happened to work well, culpable programmers would gather in 19184a small circle around a first edition of Knuth's Best Volume I by candlelight, 19185and proceed to get very drunk while sporadically rending the following ditty: 19186 19187 Hacker's Fight Song 19188 19189 He's a Hack! He's a Hack! 19190 He's a guy with the happy knack! 19191 Never bungles, never shirks, 19192 Always gets his stuff to work! 19193 19194All take a drink (important!) 19195% 19196Hackers are just a migratory lifeform with a tropism for computers. 19197% 19198Hacker's Guide To Cooking: 191992 pkg. cream cheese (the mushy white stuff in silver wrappings that doesn't 19200 really come from Philadelphia after all; anyway, about 16 oz.) 192011 tsp. vanilla extract (which is more alcohol than vanilla and pretty 19202 strong so this part you *GOTTA* measure) 192031/4 cup sugar (but honey works fine too) 192048 oz. Cool Whip (the fluffy stuff devoid of nutritional value that you 19205 can squirt all over your friends and lick off...) 19206"Blend all together until creamy with no lumps." This is where you get to 19207 join(1) all the raw data in a big buffer and then filter it through 19208 merge(1m) with the -thick option, I mean, it starts out ultra lumpy 19209 and icky looking and you have to work hard to mix it. Try an electric 19210 beater if you have a cat(1) that can climb wall(1s) to lick it off 19211 the ceiling(3m). 19212"Pour into a graham cracker crust..." Aha, the BUGS section at last. You 19213 just happened to have a GCC sitting around under /etc/food, right? 19214 If not, don't panic(8), merely crumble a rand(3m) handful of innocent 19215 GCs into a suitable tempfile and mix in some melted butter. 19216"...and refrigerate for an hour." Leave the recipe's stdout in a fridge 19217 for 3.6E6 milliseconds while you work on cleaning up stderr, and 19218 by time out your cheesecake will be ready for stdin. 19219% 19220Hacker's Law: 19221 The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir 19222 a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions. 19223% 19224Hacker's Law: 19225 The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a 19226 nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions. 19227% 19228Hackers of the world, unite! 19229% 19230Hacker's Quicky #313: 19231 Sour Cream -n- Onion Potato Chips 19232 Microwave Egg Roll 19233 Chocolate Milk 19234% 19235Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge. 19236% 19237"Had he and I but met 19238By some old ancient inn, But ranged as infantry, 19239We should have sat us down to wet And staring face to face, 19240Right many a nipperkin! I shot at him as he at me, 19241 And killed him in his place. 19242I shot him dead because -- 19243Because he was my foe, He thought he'd 'list, perhaps, 19244Just so: my foe of course he was; Off-hand-like -- just as I -- 19245That's clear enough; although Was out of work -- had sold his traps 19246 No other reason why. 19247Yes; quaint and curious war is! 19248You shoot a fellow down 19249You'd treat, if met where any bar is 19250Or help to half-a-crown." 19251 -- Thomas Hardy 19252% 19253Had I been present at the creation, I would have given some 19254useful hints for the better ordering of the universe. 19255 -- Alfonso the Wise 19256 19257 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 19258 referring to operating system initialization.] 19259% 19260Had this been an actual emergency, we would have 19261fled in terror, and you would not have been informed. 19262% 19263Hail to the sun god 19264He's such a fun god 19265Ra! Ra! Ra! 19266% 19267Hailing frequencies open, Captain. 19268% 19269Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that 19270a big enough majority in any town? 19271 -- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn" 19272% 19273Hale Mail Rule, The: 19274 When you are ready to reply to a letter, you will lack at least 19275 one of the following: 19276 (a) A pen or pencil or typewriter. 19277 (b) Stationery. 19278 (c) Postage stamp. 19279 (d) The letter you are answering. 19280% 19281Half a bee, philosophically, must ipso facto half not be. 19282But half the bee has got to be, vis-a-vis its entity. See? 19283But can a bee be said to be or not to be an entire bee, 19284When half the bee is not a bee, due to some ancient injury? 19285% 19286Half Moon tonight. (At least its better than no Moon at all.) 19287% 19288Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at. 19289% 19290Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't, 19291and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it. 19292% 19293half-done, n: 19294 This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still crunchy, 19295 light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference between this 19296 and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like the 19297 difference between life and death. 19298 19299 You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill there 19300 in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the airport, 19301 fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough Hall, 19302 transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on 19303 Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk 19304 about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the 19305 man, "Let me have a nice half-done." Worth the trouble, wasn't it? 19306 -- Arthur Naiman 19307% 19308Halley's Comet: It came, we saw, we drank. 19309% 19310Hall's Laws of Politics: 19311 (1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending. 19312 (2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want 19313 something fixed. 19314 (3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend 19315 military spending, and conservatives social spending in 19316 their own districts). 19317% 19318hand, n: 19319 A singular instrument worn at the end of a human 19320 arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket. 19321% 19322Handel's Proverb: 19323 You can't produce a baby in one month by impregnating 9 women! 19324% 19325handshaking protocol, n: 19326 A process employed by hostile hardware devices to initate a 19327 terse but civil dialogue, which, in turn, is characterized by 19328 occasional misunderstanding, sulking, and name-calling. 19329% 19330Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way. 19331 -- Pink Floyd 19332% 19333hangover, n: 19334 The wrath of grapes. 19335% 19336Hanlon's Razor: 19337 Never attribute to malice 19338 that which is adequately explained by stupidity. 19339% 19340Hanson's Treatment of Time: 19341 There are never enough hours in a day, 19342 but always too many days before Saturday. 19343% 19344Hanson's Treatment of Time: 19345 There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days 19346 before Saturday. 19347% 19348Happiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others. 19349% 19350happiness, adv: 19351 An agreeable sensation arising 19352 from contemplating the misery of another. 19353% 19354happiness, adv: 19355 Finding the owner of a lost bikini. 19356% 19357Happiness is a hard disk. 19358% 19359Happiness is a positive cash flow. 19360% 19361Happiness is good health and a bad memory. 19362 -- Ingrid Bergman 19363% 19364Happiness is having a scratch for every itch. 19365 -- Ogden Nash 19366% 19367Happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion. 19368% 19369Happiness is the greatest good. 19370% 19371Happiness is twin floppies. 19372% 19373Happiness isn't having what you want, it's wanting what you have. 19374% 19375Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember. 19376 -- Oscar Levant 19377% 19378Happiness makes up in height what it lacks in length. 19379% 19380Happy feast of the pig! 19381% 19382Happy is the child whose father died rich. 19383% 19384hard, adj: 19385 The quality of your own data; also how it is to believe those 19386 of other people. 19387% 19388Hard reality has a way of cramping your style. 19389 -- Daniel Dennett 19390% 19391Hard work may not kill you, but why take the chance? 19392% 19393Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? 19394 -- Charlie McCarthy 19395% 19396Hardware: 19397 The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. 19398% 19399Hardware met Software on the road to Changtse. Software said: "You are Yin 19400and I am Yang. If we travel together we will become famous and earn vast 19401sums of money." And so the set forth together, thinking to conquer the world. 19402 Presently they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rage and 19403hobbled along propped on a thorny stick. Firmware said to them: "The Tao 19404lies beyond Yin and Yang. It is silent and still as a pool of water. It does 19405not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence. It does not seek fortune, 19406for it is complete within itself. It exists beyond space and time." 19407 Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes. 19408% 19409hardware, n: 19410 The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. 19411% 19412Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark 19413The Duke is fond of kittens 19414He likes to take their insides out 19415And use them for his mittens 19416 -- The Thirteen Clocks 19417% 19418Hark, the Herald Tribune sings, 19419Advertising wondrous things. 19420 19421Angels we have heard on High 19422Tell us to go out and Buy. 19423% 19424Harp not on that string. 19425 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 19426% 19427Harriet's Dining Observation: 19428 In every restaurant, the hardness of the butter pats 19429 increases in direct proportion to the softness of the bread. 19430% 19431Harris had the beefstead pie between his knees, and was carving it, and George 19432and I were waiting with our plates ready. 19433 "Have you got a spoon there?" says Harris; "I want a spoon to help 19434the gravy with." 19435 The hamper was close behind us, and George and I both turned round to 19436reach one out. We were not five seconds getting it. When we looked round 19437again, Harris and the pie were gone! 19438 It was a wide, open field. There was not a tree or a bit of hedge for 19439hundreds of yards. He could not have tumbled into the river, because we were 19440on the water side of him, and he would have had to climb over us to do it. 19441 George and I gazed all about. Then we gazed at each other. 19442 "Has he been snatched up to heaven?" I queried. 19443 "They'd hardly have taken the pie, too," said George. 19444 There seemed weight in this objection, and we discarded the heavenly 19445theory. 19446 "I suppose the truth of the matter is," suggested George, descending 19447to the commonplace and practicable, "that there has been an earthquake." 19448 And then he added, with a touch of sadness in his voice: "I wish he 19449hadn't been carving that pie." 19450 -- Jerome K. Jerome, "Three Men In A Boat" 19451% 19452Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab: 19453 Experience is directly proportional to the amount of 19454 equipment ruined. 19455% 19456Harrison's Postulate: 19457For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. 19458% 19459Harris's Lament: 19460 All the good ones are taken. 19461% 19462Harry and Fred were playing their Sunday afternoon golf game. The game, as 19463always, was close. They were at the treacherous 12th hole: a par three that 19464required a perfect first shot over a large pond and onto a tiny green. There 19465were sand traps on the other three sides of the green, and a small road 50 19466feet beyond it. Harry went first. He carefully addressed the ball and hit 19467a good shot that landed just on the edge of the green, narrowly avoiding the 19468pond. Just as Fred addressed his ball, he looked up and noticed a funeral 19469procession along the road just behind the green. Fred put down his club, 19470took his hat off, and waited for the entire procession to pass. As soon as 19471the cars were gone he put his hat back on and started addressing the ball 19472again. Harry said, "Damn, Fred. That was a really nice thing you did, 19473waiting for the funeral to pass like that." 19474 Fred finished his swing, making perfect contact with the ball. It 19475was an excellent shot that landed 7 feet from the hole. "It's the least I 19476could do," he said, smiling at his shot, "We were married for 22 years, 19477you know." 19478% 19479Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he makes us 19480all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean famous for 19481its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses probably stirs 19482romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you have never met any 19483wild horses in person. In person, they are like enormous hooved rats. They 19484amble up to your camp site, and their attitude is: "We're wild horses. 19485We're going to eat your food, knock down your tent and poop on your shoes. 19486We're protected by federal law, just like Richard Nixon." 19487 -- Dave Barry 19488% 19489Harry's bar has a new cocktail. It's called MRS punch. They make it with 19490milk, rum and sugar and it's wonderful. The milk is for vitality and the 19491sugar is for pep. They put in the rum so that people will know what to do 19492with all that pep and vitality. 19493% 19494Hartley's First Law: 19495 You can lead a horse to water, but if you can 19496 get him to float on his back, you've got something. 19497% 19498Hartley's Second Law: 19499 Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. 19500% 19501HARTLEY'S SECOND LAW: 19502 Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. 19503 19504My corollary: 19505 The completely psychotic have all the fun. 19506% 19507Harvard Law: 19508 Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, 19509 temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the 19510 organism will do as it damn well pleases. 19511% 19512HARVARD: 19513Quarterback: 19514 Sophomore Dave Strewzinski... likes to pass. And pass he does, with 19515a record 86 attempts (three completions) in 87 plays.... Though Strewzinksi 19516has so far failed to score any points for the Crimson, his jackrabbit speed 19517has made him the least sacked quarterback in the Ivy league. 19518Wide Receiver: 19519 The other directional signal in Harvard's offensive machine is senior 19520Phil Yip, who is very fast. Yip is so fast that he has set a record for being 19521fast. Expect to see Yip elude all pursuers and make it into the endzone five 19522or six times, his average for a game. Yip, nicknamed "fumblefingers" and "you 19523asshole" by his teammates, hopes to carry the ball with him at least one of 19524those times. 19525YALE: 19526Defense: 19527 On the defensive side, Yale boasts the stingiest line in the Ivies. 19528Primarily responsible are seniors Izzy "Shylock" Bloomberg and Myron 19529Finklestein, the tightest ends in recent Eli history. Also contributing to 19530the powerful defense is junior tackle Angus MacWhirter, a Scotsman who rounds 19531out the offensive ethnic joke. Look for these three to shut down the opening 19532coin toss. 19533 -- Harvard Lampoon 1988 Program Parody, distributed at The Game 19534% 19535Has anyone ever tasted an "end"? Are they really bitter? 19536% 19537"Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?" 19538"Yes; I don't have one." 19539"Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors..." 19540 -- E. D'Azevedo, CS, University of Washington 19541% 19542Has anyone realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is to 19543defuse project tensions? When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a 19544non-cynical, or even an informative cookie? 19545 Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions. This 19546still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or only 19547serves to blunt the warning signs. 19548 19549 Long live the revolution! 19550 Have a nice day. 19551% 19552Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are typed 19553with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter keyboard 19554was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use of both hands. 19555It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is not only unnatural, 19556but a lot harder than it appears. 19557% 19558Has the great art and mystery of politics no apparent utility? Does it 19559appear to be unqualifiedly ratty, raffish, sordid, obscene and low down, 19560and its salient virtuosi a gang of umitigated scoundrels? Then let us 19561not forget its high capacity to soothe and tickel the midriff, its 19562incomparable services as a maker of entertainment. 19563 -- H.L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe" 19564% 19565Haste makes waste. 19566 -- John Heywood 19567% 19568Hatcheck girl: 19569 "Goodness! What lovely diamonds!" 19570Mae West: 19571 "Goodness had nothin' to do with it, dearie." 19572 -- "Night After Night", 1932 19573% 19574Hate is like acid. It can damage the vessel in which it is 19575stored as well as destroy the object on which it is poured. 19576% 19577Hate the sin and love the sinner. 19578 -- Mahatma Gandhi 19579% 19580Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie, 19581unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax. 19582 -- Mike Royko 19583% 19584hatred, n: 19585 A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority. 19586% 19587Have a coke and a smile! 19588 -- John DeLorean 19589% 19590Have a nice day! 19591% 19592Have a nice diurnal anomaly. 19593% 19594Have a place for everything and keep the thing 19595somewhere else; this is not advice, it is merely custom. 19596 -- Mark Twain 19597% 19598Have a taco. 19599 -- P.S. Beagle 19600% 19601Have at you! 19602% 19603Have no friends not equal to yourself. 19604 -- Confucius 19605% 19606Have the courage to take your own thoughts 19607seriously, for they will shape you. 19608 -- Albert Einstein 19609% 19610Have you ever felt like a wounded cow 19611halfway between an oven and a pasture? 19612walking in a trance toward a pregnant 19613 seventeen-year-old housewife's 19614 two-day-old cookbook? 19615 -- Richard Brautigan 19616% 19617Have you ever met a man of good character where women are concerned? 19618 19619Well, I haven't. I find that whenever a woman becomes friends with me, 19620she becomes jealous, exacting, suspicious, and a damn nuisance; and 19621whenever I become friends with a woman, I become selfish and tyrannical. 19622So here I am, Pickering, a confirmed old bachelor and very likely to 19623remain so. 19624 -- Henry Higgins, "My Fair Lady" 19625% 19626Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying 19627to tell you `there's a time for work and a time for play' 19628never find the time for play? 19629% 19630Have you flogged your kid today? 19631% 19632Have you locked your file cabinet? 19633% 19634Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, 19635vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk? 19636% 19637Have you seen the latest Japanese camera? Apparently it is so fast it can 19638photograph an American with his mouth shut! 19639% 19640Have you seen the old man in the closed down market, 19641Kicking up the papers in his worn out shoes? 19642In his eyes you see no pride, hands hang loosely at his side 19643Yesterdays papers, telling yesterdays news. 19644 19645How can you tell me you're lonely, 19646And say for you the sun don't shine? 19647Let me take you by the hand 19648Lead you through the streets of London 19649I'll show you something to make you change your mind... 19650 19651Have you seen the old man outside the sea-mans mission 19652Memories fading like the metal ribbons that he wears. 19653In our winter city the rain cries a little pity 19654For one more forgotten hero and a world that doesn't care... 19655% 19656Have you seen the well-to-do, up and down Park Avenue? 19657On that famous thoroughfare, with their noses in the air, 19658High hats and Arrow collars, white spats and lots of dollars, 19659Spending every dime, for a wonderful time... 19660If you're blue and you don't know where to go to, 19661Why don't you go where fashion sits, 19662... 19663Dressed up like a million dollar trooper, 19664Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper, (super dooper) 19665Come, let's mix where Rockefeller's walk with sticks, 19666Or umberellas, in their mitts, 19667Puttin' on the Ritz. 19668... 19669If you're blue and you don't know where to go to, 19670Why don't you go where fashion sits, 19671Puttin' on the Ritz. 19672Puttin' on the Ritz. 19673Puttin' on the Ritz. 19674Puttin' on the Ritz. 19675% 19676Having a baby isn't so bad. If you're a female Emperor penguin 19677in the Antarctic. She lays the egg, rolls it over to the father, 19678then takes off for warmer weather where she eats and eats and 19679eats. For two months, the father stands stiff, without food, 19680blind in the 24-hour dark, balancing the egg on his feet. After 19681the little penguin is hatched, the mother sees fit to come home. 19682 -- L.M. Boyd, "Austin American-Statesman" 19683% 19684Having a wonderful wine, wish you were beer. 19685% 19686Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain. 19687 -- Martin Mull 19688% 19689Having no talent is no longer enough. 19690 -- Gore Vidal 19691% 19692Having nothing, nothing can he lose. 19693 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 19694% 19695Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods. 19696 -- Socrates 19697% 19698Having wandered helplessly into a blinding snowstorm Sam was greatly 19699relieved to see a sturdy Saint Bernard dog bounding toward him with 19700the traditional keg of brandy strapped to his collar. 19701 "At last," cried Sam, "man's best friend -- and a great big 19702dog, too!" 19703% 19704"Hawk, we're going to die." 19705"Never say die... and certainly never say we." 19706 -- M*A*S*H 19707% 19708Hawkeye's Conclusion: 19709 It's not easy to play the clown 19710 when you've got to run the whole circus. 19711% 19712He: Do you like Kipling? 19713She: Oh, you naughty boy, I don't know! I've never kippled! 19714% 19715He: "If I made love to you, would you yell?" 19716She: "What do you want me to yell?" 19717 -- Benny Hill 19718% 19719HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science. 19720SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains. 19721 -- Walt Kelley 19722% 19723He asked me if I knew what time it was -- I said yes, but not right now. 19724 -- S. Wright 19725% 19726He didn't run for reelection. "Politics brings you into contact with all 19727the people you'd give anything to avoid," he said. "I'm staying home." 19728 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegone Days" 19729% 19730He does it with a better grace, but I do it more natural. 19731 -- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night" 19732% 19733He draweth out the thread of his verbosity 19734finer than the staple of his argument. 19735 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost" 19736% 19737He gave her a look that you could have poured on a waffle. 19738% 19739He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation 19740perfectly delightful. 19741 -- Sydney Smith 19742% 19743He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild 19744and heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned 19745all hope of ever behaving "normally." 19746 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72" 19747% 19748He hadn't a single redeeming vice. 19749 -- Oscar Wilde 19750% 19751He has been known by many names; the Prince of Lies, the Director, Lucifer, 19752Belial, and once, at a party, some obnoxious drunk kept calling him "Dude". 19753 -- Stig's Inferno 19754% 19755He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him. 19756 -- Bion 19757% 19758He hath eaten me out of house and home. 19759 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" 19760% 19761He heard the snick of a rifle bolt and found himself peering down the muzzle 19762of a weapon held by a drunken liquor store owner -- "There's a conflict," he 19763said, "there's a conflict between land and people... the people have to go..." 19764 -- Stan Ridgeway, "Call of the West" 19765% 19766He is a man capable of turning any colour into grey. 19767 -- John LeCarre 19768% 19769He is considered a most graceful speaker 19770who can say nothing in the most words. 19771% 19772He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides. 19773% 19774He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others. 19775 -- Samuel Johnson 19776% 19777He is now rising from affluence to poverty. 19778 -- Mark Twain 19779% 19780He is the best of men who dislikes power. 19781 -- Mohammed 19782% 19783He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap. 19784% 19785He jests at scars who never felt a wound. 19786 -- Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet, II. 2" 19787% 19788He keeps differentiating, flying off on a tangent. 19789% 19790He knew the tavernes well in every toun. 19791 -- Geoffrey Chaucer 19792% 19793He knows not how to know who knows not also how to unknow. 19794 -- Sir Richard Burton 19795% 19796He laughs at every joke three times... once when it's told, 19797once when it's explained, and once when he understands it. 19798% 19799He looked at me as if I were a side dish he hadn't ordered. 19800 -- Ring Lardner 19801% 19802He missed an invaluable opportunity to hold his tongue. 19803 -- Andrew Lang 19804% 19805He only knew his iron spine held up the sky -- he didn't realize his brain 19806had fallen to the ground. 19807 -- The Book of Serenity 19808% 19809(He opens a tolm and begins.) 19810 19811 It says: "In the beginning was the Word." 19812 Already I am stopped. It seems absurd. 19813 The Word does not deserve the highest prize, 19814 I must translate it otherwise. 19815 If I am well inspired and not blind. 19816 It says: "In the beginning was the Mind." 19817 Ponder that first line, wait and see, 19818 Lest you should write too hastily. 19819 Is the Mind the all-creating source? 19820 It ought to say: "In the beginning there was Force." 19821 Yet something warns me as I grasp the pen, 19822 That my translation must be changed again. 19823 The spirit helps me. Now it is exact. 19824 I write: "In the beginning was the Act." 19825 -- Goethe's Faust 19826% 19827[He] played the King as if afraid someone else might play the ace. 19828 -- Unattributed review of a performance of King Lear. 19829 19830My tears stuck in their little ducts, refusing to be jerked. 19831 -- Peter Stack, movie review 19832 19833His performance is so wooden you want to spray him with Liquid Pledge. 19834 -- John Stark, movie review 19835% 19836He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace. 19837 -- John Mason Brown, drama critic 19838% 19839He tells you when you've got on too much lipstick, 19840And helps you with your girdle when your hips stick. 19841 -- O. Nash, on the perfect husband 19842% 19843He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom. 19844 -- J.R.R. Tolkien 19845% 19846He that bringeth a present, findeth the door open. 19847 -- Scottish proverb. 19848% 19849He that composes himself is wiser than he that composes a book. 19850 -- B. Franklin 19851% 19852He that is giddy thinks the world turns round. 19853 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew" 19854% 19855He that teaches himself has a fool for a master. 19856 -- Benjamin Franklin 19857% 19858He that would govern others, first should be the master of himself. 19859% 19860He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold. 19861% 19862He thinks the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived. 19863 -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda" 19864% 19865He thought he saw an albatross 19866That fluttered 'round the lamp. 19867He looked again and saw it was 19868A penny postage stamp. 19869"You'd best be getting home," he said, 19870"The nights are rather damp." 19871% 19872He thought of Musashi, the Sword Saint, standing in his garden more than 19873three hundred years ago. "What is the 'Body of a rock'?" he was asked. 19874In answer, Musashi summoned a pupil of his and bid him kill himself by 19875slashing his abdomen with a knife. Just as the pupil was about to comply, 19876the Master stayed his hand, saying, "That is the 'Body of a rock'." 19877 -- Eric Van Lustbader 19878% 19879[He] took me into his library and showed me his books, of which he had 19880a complete set. 19881 -- Ring Lardner 19882% 19883He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose. 19884% 19885He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he 19886made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she 19887disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to 19888dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he 19889told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven -- with a gun." 19890 -- Jack Handey 19891% 19892He was part of my dream, of course -- 19893but then I was part of his dream too. 19894 -- Lewis Carroll 19895% 19896He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes. 19897% 19898He was the sort of person whose personality 19899would be greatly improved by a terminal illness. 19900% 19901He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut. 19902% 19903He who attacks the fundamentals of the American 19904broadcasting industry attacks democracy itself. 19905 -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS 19906% 19907He who despairs over an event is a coward, but he who holds hopes for 19908the human condition is a fool. 19909 -- Albert Camus 19910% 19911He who despises himself nevertheless esteems himself as a self-despiser. 19912 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 19913% 19914He who enters his wife's dressing room is a philosopher or a fool. 19915 -- Balzac 19916% 19917He who fears the unknown may one day flee from his own backside. 19918 -- Sinbad 19919% 19920He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day. 19921% 19922He who foresees calamities suffers them twice over. 19923% 19924He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last. 19925% 19926He who has but four and spends five has no need for a wallet. 19927% 19928He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet. 19929% 19930He who has the courage to laugh is almost as much 19931a master of the world as he who is ready to die. 19932 -- Giacomo Leopardi 19933% 19934He who hates vices hates mankind. 19935% 19936He who hesitates is a damned fool. 19937 -- Mae West 19938% 19939He who hesitates is last. 19940% 19941He who hesitates is sometimes saved. 19942% 19943He who hoots with owls by night cannot soar with eagles by day. 19944% 19945He who invents adages for others to peruse 19946takes along rowboat when going on cruise. 19947% 19948He who is content with his lot probably has a lot. 19949% 19950He who is flogged by fate and laughs the louder is a masochist. 19951% 19952He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else. 19953% 19954He who is in love with himself has at least this advantage -- he won't 19955encounter many rivals. 19956 -- Georg Lichtenberg, "Aphorisms" 19957% 19958He who is intoxicated with wine will be sober again in the course of the 19959night, but he who is intoxicated by the cupbearer will not recover his 19960senses until the day of judgement. 19961 -- Saadi 19962% 19963He who is known as an early riser need not get up until noon. 19964% 19965He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know. 19966 -- Lao Tsu 19967% 19968He who knows not and knows that he knows not is ignorant. Teach him. 19969He who knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool. Shun him. 19970He who knows and knows not that he knows is asleep. Wake him. 19971% 19972He who knows nothing, knows nothing. 19973But he who knows he knows nothing knows something. 19974And he who knows someone whose friend's wife's brother knows nothing, 19975 he knows something. Or something like that. 19976% 19977He who knows others is wise. 19978He who knows himself is enlightened. 19979 -- Lao Tsu 19980% 19981He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough. 19982 -- Lao Tsu 19983% 19984He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news. 19985 -- Bertolt Brecht 19986% 19987He who laughs last -- missed the punch line. 19988% 19989He who laughs last didn't get the joke. 19990% 19991He who laughs last hasn't been told the terrible truth. 19992% 19993He who laughs last is probably your boss. 19994% 19995He who laughs last probably doesn't understand the joke. 19996% 19997He who laughs last usually had to have joke explained. 19998% 19999He who laughs, lasts. 20000% 20001He who lives without folly is less wise than he believes. 20002% 20003He who loses, wins the race, 20004And parallel lines meet in space. 20005 -- John Boyd, "Last Starship from Earth" 20006% 20007He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man. 20008 -- Dr. Johnson 20009% 20010He who minds his own business is never unemployed. 20011% 20012He who renders warfare fatal to all engaged in it will 20013be the greatest benefactor the world has yet known. 20014 -- Sir Richard Burton 20015% 20016He who slings mud generally loses ground. 20017 -- Adlai Stevenson 20018% 20019He who slings mud loses ground. 20020 -- Chinese Proverb 20021% 20022He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT. 20023% 20024He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance. 20025% 20026He who walks on burning coals is sure to get burned. 20027 -- Sinbad 20028% 20029He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder. 20030 -- M.C. Escher 20031% 20032He who writes with no misspelled words has prevented a first suspicion 20033on the limits of his scholarship or, in the social world, of his general 20034education and culture. 20035 -- Julia Norton McCorkle 20036% 20037HEAD CRASH!! FILES LOST!! 20038Details at 11. 20039% 20040Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 20041% 20042Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, 20043lying in hospitals dying of nothing. 20044 -- Redd Foxx 20045% 20046Hear about... 20047 the absent minded sculptor who put his model to bed and 20048 started chiseling on his wife? 20049% 20050Hear about... 20051 the fellow who, upon being told by his shrewish wife that she 20052 would dance on his grave, promptly provided for a burial at sea? 20053% 20054Hear about... 20055 the female activist who went berserk during a demonstration and 20056 attacked a karate-trained cop with a deadly weapon. She ended 20057 up a chopped libber? 20058% 20059Hear about... 20060 the guru who refused Novacain while having a tooth pulled because 20061 he wanted to transcend dental medication? 20062% 20063Hear about... 20064 the pessimistic historian whose latest book has chapter headings 20065 that read "World War One","World War Two" and "Watch This 20066 Space"? 20067% 20068Hear about... 20069 the wild office Christmas party in a completely automated 20070 company -- the photocopier got drunk and tried to undo the 20071 typewriter's ribbon? 20072% 20073Hear about the Californian terrorist that tried to blow up a bus? 20074Burned his lips on the exhaust pipe. 20075% 20076Hear me, my chiefs, I am tired; my heart is sick and sad. 20077From where the sun now stands I Will Fight No More Forever. 20078 -- Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce 20079% 20080Heard that the next Space Shuttle is supposed to carry several 20081Guernsey cows? It's gonna be the herd shot 'round the world. 20082% 20083Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable. 20084 -- The Wizard of Oz 20085% 20086Heaven and earth were created all together in the same instant, 20087on October 23rd, 4004 B.C. at nine o'clock in the morning. 20088 -- Dr. John Lightfoot, 20089 Vice-chancellor of Cambridge University 20090% 20091heaven, n: 20092 A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of 20093 their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while 20094 you expound your own. 20095% 20096Heavier than air flying machines are impossible. 20097 -- Lord Kelvin, President, Royal Society, c. 1895 20098% 20099heavy, adj: 20100 Seduced by the chocolate side of the force. 20101% 20102Hedonist for hire... no job too easy! 20103% 20104Heisenberg may have been here. 20105% 20106Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned. 20107 -- Milton Friedman 20108% 20109Hell hath no limits, nor is circumscribed in one self place, 20110for where we are is Hell, and where Hell is there must we ever be. 20111 -- Christopher Marlowe, "Doctor Faustus" 20112% 20113Hell, if you don't try to remake someone, 20114how are they supposed to know you care? 20115% 20116Hell is empty and all the devils are here. 20117 -- Wm. Shakespeare, "The Tempest" 20118% 20119hell, n: 20120 Truth seen too late. 20121% 20122Heller's Law: 20123 The first myth of management is that it exists. 20124% 20125Heller's Law: 20126 The first myth of management is that it exists. 20127 20128Johnson's Corollary: 20129 Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the 20130 organization. 20131% 20132Hello. Jim Rockford's machine, this is Larry Doheny's machine. Will you 20133please have your master call my master at his convenience? Thank you. 20134Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. 20135% 20136Hello, friend! You say things aren't going too well? You say you have a 20137date with your favorite girl when it starts raining so hard you can't see? 20138And you're out on some back road when the car stalls and won't start, so 20139you set off accross the fields, and 50 feet of barbed wire hits you right 20140smack in the puss? And then there's a big explosion behind you and you 20141don't hear your girl screaming any more? 20142 20143 Well, take a walk in the sun and hold your head up high! 20144 You'll show the world; you'll tell them where to get off! 20145 You'll never give up, never give up, never give up -- that ship! 20146% 20147"Hello," he lied. 20148 -- Don Carpenter, quoting a Hollywood agent 20149% 20150Hell's broken loose. 20151 -- Robert Greene 20152% 20153Help! I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory! 20154% 20155Help! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70! 20156% 20157HELP! Man trapped in a human body! 20158% 20159HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN! 20160 -- E. E. CUMMINGS 20161% 20162Help a swallow land at Capistrano. 20163% 20164HELP!!!! I'm being held prisoner in /usr/games/lib! 20165% 20166Help stamp out and abolish redundancy! 20167% 20168Help stamp out Mickey-Mouse computer interfaces -- Menus are for Restaurants! 20169% 20170Hempstone's Question: 20171 If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class? 20172% 20173Her days were spent in a kind of slow bustle; always busy without 20174getting on, always behind hand and lamenting it, without altering 20175her ways; wishing to be an economist, without contrivance or 20176regularity; dissatisfied with her servants, without skill to make 20177them better, and whether helping, or reprimanding, or indulging 20178them, without any power of engaging their respect. 20179 -- J. Austen 20180% 20181Her locks an ancient lady gave 20182Her loving husband's life to save; 20183And men -- they honored so the dame -- 20184Upon some stars bestowed her name. 20185 20186But to our modern married fair, 20187Who'd give their lords to save their hair, 20188No stellar recognition's given. 20189There are not stars enough in heaven. 20190% 20191Here about the young Chinese woman who just won the lottery? 20192One fortunate cookie... 20193% 20194Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; 20195from President's and Kings to the scum of the earth... 20196% 20197Here comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason. 20198% 20199Here I am again right where I know I shouldn't be 20200I've been caught inside this trap too many times 20201I must've walked these steps and said these words a 20202 thousand times before 20203It seems like I know everybody's lines. 20204 -- David Bromberg, "How Late'll You Play 'Til?" 20205% 20206Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still don't know what I want to be when 20207I grow up. 20208 -- Peter Drucker 20209% 20210Here I sit, broken-hearted, 20211All logged in, but work unstarted. 20212First net.this and net.that, 20213And a hot buttered bun for net.fat. 20214 20215The boss comes by, and I play the game, 20216Then I turn back to net.flame. 20217Is there a cure (I need your views), 20218For someone trapped in net.news? 20219 20220I need your help, I say 'tween sobs, 20221'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs. 20222% 20223Here in my heart, I am Helen; 20224 I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least. 20225I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Stael; 20226 I'm Salome, moon of the East. 20227 20228Here in my soul I am Sappho; 20229 Lady Hamilton am I, as well. 20230In me Recamier vies with Kitty O'Shea, 20231 With Dido, and Eve, and poor Nell. 20232 20233I'm all of the glamorous ladies 20234 At whose beckoning history shook. 20235But you are a man, and see only my pan, 20236 So I stay at home with a book. 20237 -- Dorothy Parker 20238% 20239Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical 20240lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach your 20241hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. Did you 20242notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in pain? This 20243teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, but we must never 20244use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an important electrical lesson. 20245 It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed 20246your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small objects 20247that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will attract dirt. 20248The electrons travel through your bloodstream and collect in your finger, 20249where they form a spark that leaps to your friend's filling, then travels 20250down to his feet and back into the carpet, thus completing the circuit. 20251 -- Dave Barry 20252% 20253Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: 20254if you're alive, it isn't. 20255% 20256Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the month. According 20257to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people are experiencing severe 20258marketing anxiety in China. 20259 20260The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either (depending on the 20261inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax tadpole". 20262 20263Bite the wax tadpole. There is a sort of rough justice, is there not? 20264 20265The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's hard to get 20266a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to bite a wax 20267tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, but broad 20268satiric vistas do not open up. 20269 -- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle 20270% 20271HERE LIES LESTER MOORE 20272SHOT 4 TIMES WITH A .44 20273NO LES 20274NO MOORE 20275 -- tombstone, in Tombstone, AZ 20276% 20277Here lies my wife: her let her lie! 20278Now she's at rest, and so am I. 20279 -- John Dryden, epitaph intended for his wife 20280% 20281Here there by tygers. 20282% 20283HERE'S A GOOD JOKE to do during an earthquake. Straddle a big crack in 20284the earth and if it opens wider, go, "Whoa! Whoa!" and flap your arms 20285around as if you're going to fall. 20286 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 20287% 20288Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 20289`Psychic Wins Lottery.' 20290 -- Jay Leno 20291% 20292Here's the holiday schedule for Monday's observation of Martin Luther 20293King Jr.'s birthday, when the following will be closed: 20294 20295 * Governmental offices 20296 * Post offices 20297 * Libraries 20298 * Schools 20299 * Banks 20300 * Parts of Palm Beach 20301 20302and the mind of Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina. 20303 -- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live" 20304% 20305Herth's Law: 20306 He who turns the other cheek too far gets it in the neck. 20307% 20308He's been like a father to me, 20309He's the only DJ you can get after three, 20310I'm an all-night musician in a rock and roll band, 20311And why he don't like me I don't understand. 20312 -- The Byrds 20313% 20314He's dead, Jim. 20315% 20316He's got the heart of a little child, 20317and he keeps it in a jar on his desk. 20318% 20319He's just a politician trying to save both his faces... 20320% 20321He's just like Capistrano, always ready for a few swallows. 20322% 20323He's like a function -- he returns a value, in the form of 20324his opinion. It's up to you to cast it into a void or not. 20325 -- Phil Lapsley 20326% 20327He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd 20328be there... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter. 20329% 20330Heuristics are bug ridden by definition. 20331If they didn't have bugs, then they'd be algorithms. 20332% 20333Hewett's Observation: 20334 The rudeness of a bureaucrat is inversely proportional to his or 20335 her position in the governmental hierarchy and to the number of 20336 peers similarly engaged. 20337% 20338Hey, diddle, diddle the overflow pdl 20339To get a little more stack; 20340If that's not enough then you lose it all 20341And have to pop all the way back. 20342% 20343Hey, Jim, it's me, Susie Lillis from the laundromat. You said you were 20344gonna call and it's been two weeks. What's wrong, you lose my number? 20345% 20346HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS: 20347 Be sure it's true, when you say "I love you". It's a sin to 20348 tell a lie. Millions of hearts have been broken, just because 20349 these words were spoken. 20350% 20351"Hey, Sam, how about a loan?" 20352"Whattaya need?" 20353"Oh, about $500." 20354"Whattaya got for collateral?" 20355"Whattaya need?" 20356"How about an eye?" 20357 -- Sam Giancana 20358% 20359Hey, what do you expect from a culture that 20360*drives* on *parkways* and *parks* on *driveways*? 20361 -- Gallagher 20362% 20363Hi! I'm Larry. This is my brother Bob, and this is my other brother 20364Jimbo. We thought you might like to know the names of your assailants. 20365% 20366Hi! You have reached 962-0129. None of us are here to answer the phone and 20367the cat doesn't have opposing thumbs, so his messages are illegible. Please 20368leave your name and message after the beep... 20369% 20370Hi! How are things going? 20371 (just fine, thank you...) 20372Great! Say, could I bother you for a question? 20373 (you just asked one...) 20374Well, how about one more? 20375 (one more than the first one?) 20376Yes. 20377 (you already asked that...) 20378[at this point, Alphonso gets smart... ] 20379May I ask two questions, sir? 20380 (no.) 20381May I ask ONE then? 20382 (nope...) 20383Then may I ask, sir, how I may ask you a question? 20384 (yes, you may.) 20385Sir, how may I ask you a question? 20386 (you must ask for retroactive question asking privileges for 20387 the number of questions you have asked, then ask for that 20388 number plus two, one for the current question, and one for the 20389 next one) 20390Sir, may I ask nine questions? 20391 (go right ahead...) 20392% 20393Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. As 20394you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of equal 20395height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. Do you have 20396a car or a job? Do you ever walk around? If so, you probably have the 20397makings of an excellent legal case. Although of course every case is 20398different, I would definitely say that based on my experience and training, 20399there's no reason why you shouldn't come out of this thing with at least a 20400cabin cruiser. 20401 20402Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our 20403motto is: 'It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.' 20404 -- Dave Barry 20405% 20406Hi Jimbo. Dennis. Really appreciate the help on the income tax. 20407You wanna help on the audit now? 20408% 20409Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person 20410reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes, 20411nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home. 20412% 20413Hickery Dickery Dock, 20414The mice ran up the clock, 20415The clock struck one, 20416The others escaped with minor injuries. 20417% 20418Hideously disfigured by an ancient Indian curse? 20419 20420 WE CAN HELP! 20421 20422Call (511) 338-0959 for an immediate appointment. 20423% 20424Hier liegt ein Mann ganz obnegleich; 20425Im Leibe dick, an Suden reich. 20426Wir haben ihn in das Grab gesteckt, Here lies a man with sundry flaws 20427Weil es uns dunkt er sei verreckt. And numerous Sins upon his head; 20428 We buried him today because 20429 As far as we can tell, he's dead. 20430 20431 -- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty 20432 Sue Bach and written by the local doggeral catcher; 20433 "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele 20434% 20435Higgeldy Piggeldy, 20436Hamlet of Elsinore 20437Ruffled the critics by 20438Dropping this bomb: 20439"Phooey on Freud and his 20440Psychoanalysis, 20441Oedipus, Shmoedipus, 20442I just loved Mom." 20443% 20444Higgins: Doolittle, you're either an honest man or a rogue. 20445Doolittle: A little of both, Guv'nor. Like the rest of us, a 20446 little of both. 20447 -- Shaw, "Pygmalion" 20448% 20449High heels are a device invented by a woman 20450who was tired of being kissed on the forehead. 20451% 20452High Priest: Armaments Chapter One, verses nine through twenty-seven: 20453Bro. Maynard: And Saint Attila raised the Holy Hand Grenade up on high 20454 saying, "Oh Lord, Bless us this Holy Hand Grenade, and with it 20455 smash our enemies to tiny bits." And the Lord did grin, and the 20456 people did feast upon the lambs, and stoats, and orangutans, and 20457 breakfast cereals, and lima bean- 20458High Priest: Skip a bit, brother. 20459Bro. Maynard: And then the Lord spake, saying: "First, shalt thou take 20460 out the holy pin. Then shalt thou count to three. No more, no less. 20461 *Three* shall be the number of the counting, and the number of the 20462 counting shall be three. *Four* shalt thou not count, and neither 20463 count thou two, excepting that thou then goest on to three. Five is 20464 RIGHT OUT. Once the number three, being the third number be reached, 20465 then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade towards thy foe, who, being 20466 naughty in my sight, shall snuff it. Amen. 20467All: Amen. 20468 -- Monty Python, "The Holy Hand Grenade" 20469% 20470HIGH TECHNOLOGY: 20471 A California innovation composed 20472 of equal parts of silicon and marijuana. 20473% 20474Higher education helps your earning capacity. Ask any college professor. 20475% 20476Hildebrant's Principle: 20477 If you don't know where you are going, 20478 any road will get you there. 20479% 20480Him: "Your skin is so soft. Are you a model?" 20481Her: "No," [blush] "I'm a cosmetologist." 20482Him: "Really? That's incredible... 20483 It must be very tough to handle weightlessness." 20484 -- "The Jerk" 20485% 20486Hindsight is always 20:20. 20487 -- Billy Wilder 20488% 20489Hindsight is an exact science. 20490% 20491hippogriff, n: 20492 An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. 20493 The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half 20494 eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter 20495 eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. 20496 The study of zoology is full of surprises. 20497% 20498Hire the morally handicapped. 20499% 20500His designs were strictly honourable, as the phrase is: that is, to rob 20501a lady of her fortune by way of marriage. 20502 -- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones" 20503% 20504...his disciples lead him in; he just does the rest. 20505 -- Tommy 20506% 20507"His eyes were cold. As cold as the bitter winter snow that was falling 20508outside. Yes, cold and therefore difficult to chew..." 20509% 20510His followers called him Mahasamatman and said he was a god. He preferred 20511to drop the Maha- and the -atman, however, and called himself Sam. He never 20512claimed to be a god. But then, he never claimed not to be a god. Circum- 20513stances being what they were, neither admission could be of any benefit. 20514Silence, though, could. It was in the days of the rains that their prayers 20515went up, not from the fingering of knotted prayer cords or the spinning of 20516prayer wheels, but from the great pray-machine in the monastery of Ratri, 20517goddess of the Night. The high-frequency prayers were directed upward through 20518the atmosphere and out beyond it, passing into that golden cloud called the 20519Bridge of the Gods, which circles the entire world, is seen as a bronze 20520rainbow at night and is the place where the red sun becomes orange at midday. 20521Some of the monks doubted the orthodoxy of this prayer technique... 20522 -- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light" 20523% 20524His heart was yours from the first moment that you met. 20525% 20526His ideas of first-aid stopped short of squirting soda water. 20527 -- P.G. Wodehouse 20528% 20529His life was formal; his actions seemed ruled with a ruler. 20530% 20531His mind is like a steel trap: full of mice. 20532 -- Foghorn Leghorn 20533% 20534His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier. 20535% 20536Historians have now definitely established that Juan Cabrillo, discoverer 20537of California, was not looking for Kansas, thus setting a precedent that 20538continues to this day. 20539 -- Wayne Shannon 20540% 20541History books which contain no lies are extremely dull. 20542% 20543History has much to say on following the proper procedures. From a history 20544of the Mexican revolution: 20545 20546 "Hildago was later defeated at Guadalajara. The rebel army was 20547captured on its way through the mountains. All were courtmartialed and 20548shot, except Hildago, because he was a priest. He was handed over to 20549the bishop of Durango who excommunicated him and returned him to the 20550army where he was then executed." 20551% 20552History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion -- 20553i.e. none to speak of. 20554 -- Lazarus Long 20555% 20556History is curious stuff 20557 You'd think by now we had enough 20558Yet the fact remains I fear 20559 They make more of it every year. 20560% 20561History is nothing but a collection of fables and useless trifles, 20562cluttered up with a mass of unnecessary figures and proper names. 20563 -- Leo Tolstoy 20564% 20565History is on our side (as long as we can control the historians). 20566% 20567History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree on. 20568 -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims" 20569% 20570History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history. 20571% 20572History repeats itself -- the first time as a tragi-comedy, the second 20573time as bedroom farce. 20574% 20575History repeats itself only if one does not listen the first time. 20576% 20577History shows that the human mind, fed by constant accessions of knowledge, 20578periodically grows too large for its theoretical coverings, and bursts them 20579asunder to appear in new habiliments, as the feeding and growing grub, at 20580intervals, casts its too narrow skin and assumes another... Truly the imago 20581state of Man seems to be terribly distant, but every moult is a step gained. 20582 -- Charles Darwin, from "Origin of the Species" 20583% 20584Hit them biscuits with another touch of gravy, 20585Burn that sausage just a match or two more done. 20586Pour my black old coffee longer, 20587While that smell is gettin' stronger 20588A semi-meal ain't nuthin' much to want. 20589 20590Loan me ten, I got a feelin' it'll save me, 20591With an ornery soul who don't shoot pool for fun, 20592If that coat'll fit you're wearin', 20593The Lord'll bless your sharin' 20594A semi-friend ain't nuthin' much to want. 20595 20596And let me halfway fall in love, 20597For part of a lonely night, 20598With a semi-pretty woman in my arms. 20599Yes, I could halfway fall in deep-- 20600Into a snugglin', lovin' heap, 20601With a semi-pretty woman in my arms. 20602 -- Elroy Blunt 20603% 20604Hitchcock's Staple Principle: 20605 The stapler runs out of staples 20606 only while you are trying to staple something. 20607% 20608H.L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H.L. Mencken. 20609There is no cure for a disease of that magnitude. 20610 -- Maxwell Bodenhein 20611% 20612H.L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H.L. 20613Mencken -- there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude. 20614 -- Maxwell Bodenheim 20615% 20616H.L. Mencken's Law: 20617 Those who can -- do. 20618 Those who can't -- teach. 20619 20620Martin's Extension: 20621 Those who cannot teach -- administrate. 20622 20623 [No, those who can't teach, teach here. Ed.] 20624% 20625Hlade's Law: 20626 If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- 20627 they will find an easier way to do it. 20628% 20629Hoaars-Faisse Gallery presents: 20630An exhibit of works by the artist known only as Pretzel. 20631 20632The exhibit includes several large conceptual works using non-traditional 20633media and found objects including old sofa-beds, used mace canisters, 20634discarded sanitary napkins and parts of freeways. The artist explores 20635our dehumanization due to high technology and unresponsive governmental 20636structures in a post-industrial world. She/he (the artist prefers to 20637remain without gender) strives to create dialogue between viewer and 20638creator, to aid us in our quest to experience contemporary life with its 20639inner-city tensions, homelessness, global warming and gender and 20640class-based stress. The works are arranged to lead us to the essence of 20641the argument: that the alienation of the person/machine boundary has 20642sapped the strength of our voices and must be destroyed for society to 20643exist in a more fundamental sense. 20644% 20645Hoare's Law of Large Problems: 20646 Inside every large problem is a small 20647 problem struggling to get out. 20648% 20649Hodie natus est radici frater. 20650% 20651Hoffer's Discovery: 20652 The grand act of a dying institution is to issue a newly 20653 revised, enlarged edition of the policies and procedures manual. 20654% 20655Hofstadter's Law: 20656 It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take 20657 Hofstadter's Law into account. 20658% 20659HOGAN'S HEROES DRINKING GAME -- 20660 Take a shot every time: 20661 20662-- Sergeant Schultz says, "I knoooooowww nooooothing!" 20663-- General Burkhalter or Major Hochstetter intimidate/insult Colonel Klink. 20664-- Colonel Klink falls for Colonel Hogan's flattery. 20665-- One of the prisoners sneaks out of camp (one shot for each prisoner to go). 20666-- Colonel Klink snaps to attention after answering the phone (two shots 20667 if it's one of our heroes on the other end). 20668-- One of the Germans is threatened with being sent to the Russian front. 20669-- Corporal Newkirk calls up a German in his phoney German accent, and 20670 tricks him (two shots if it's Colonel Klink). 20671-- Hogan has a romantic interlude with a beautiful girl from the underground. 20672-- Colonel Klink relates how he's never had an escape from Stalag 13. 20673-- Sergeant Schultz gives up a secret (two shots if he's bribed with food). 20674-- The prisoners listen to the Germans' conversation by a hidden transmitter. 20675-- Sergeant Schultz "captures" one of the prisoners after an escape. 20676-- Lebeau pronounces "colonel" as "cuh-loh-`nell". 20677-- Carter builds some kind of device (two shots if it's not explosive). 20678-- Lebeau wears his apron. 20679-- Hogan says "We've got no choice" when the someone claims that the 20680 plan is impossible. 20681-- The prisoners capture an important German, and sneak him out the tunnel. 20682% 20683Hollerith, v: 20684 What thou doest when thy phone is on the fritzeth. 20685% 20686Holy Dilemma! Is this the end for the Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder? 20687Will the Joker and the Riddler have the last laugh? 20688 20689 Tune in again tomorrow: 20690 same Bat-time, same Bat-channel! 20691% 20692HOLY MACRO! 20693% 20694Home is the place where, when you have to go there, 20695they have to take you in. 20696 -- Robert Frost, "The Death of the Hired Man" 20697% 20698Home is where the hurt is. 20699% 20700Home life as we understand it is no more natural to us than a 20701cage is to a cockatoo. 20702 -- George Bernard Shaw 20703% 20704Home on the Range was originally written in beef-flat. 20705% 20706"Home, Sweet Home" must surely have been written by a bachelor. 20707 -- Samuel Butler 20708% 20709Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty. 20710 -- Plato 20711% 20712Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people. 20713 -- F.M. Hubbard 20714% 20715Honesty's the best policy. 20716 -- Miguel de Cervantes 20717% 20718honeymoon, n: 20719 A short period of doting between dating and debting. 20720 -- Ray C. Bandy 20721% 20722Honi soit la vache qui rit. 20723% 20724Honk if you love peace and quiet. 20725% 20726honorable, adj: 20727 Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative 20728 bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; 20729 as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur." 20730% 20731Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper. 20732 -- Francis Bacon 20733% 20734Hope is a waking dream. 20735 -- Aristotle 20736% 20737Hope not, lest ye be disappointed. 20738 -- M. Horner 20739% 20740Hope that the day after you die is a nice day. 20741% 20742Hoping to goodness is not theologically sound. 20743 -- Peanuts 20744% 20745Horace's best ode would not please a young woman as much 20746as the mediocre verses of the young man she is in love with. 20747 -- Moore 20748% 20749Horner's Five Thumb Postulate: 20750 Experience varies directly with equipment ruined. 20751% 20752Horngren's Observation: 20753 Among economists, the real world is often a special case. 20754% 20755Hors d'oeuvres -- a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces. 20756 -- Jack Benny 20757% 20758Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. 20759 -- W.C. Fields 20760% 20761HOST SYSTEM NOT RESPONDING, PROBABLY DOWN. DO YOU WANT TO WAIT? (Y/N) 20762% 20763HOST SYSTEM RESPONDING, PROBABLY UP... 20764% 20765Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they 20766had towels from my house. 20767 -- Mark Guido 20768% 20769Houdini escaping from New Jersey! 20770% 20771Household hint: 20772 If you are out of cream for your coffee, 20773 mayonnaise makes a dandy substitute. 20774% 20775Housework can kill you if done right. 20776 -- Erma Bombeck 20777% 20778Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed. 20779 -- Neil Armstrong 20780% 20781How apt the poor are to be proud. 20782 -- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night" 20783% 20784How can you be in two places at once 20785when you're not anywhere at all? 20786% 20787How can you do 'New Math' problems with an 'Old Math' mind? 20788 -- Schulz 20789% 20790How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese? 20791 -- Charles de Gaulle 20792% 20793How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat? 20794 -- Pink Floyd 20795% 20796How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our 20797thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another 20798in the waking state? 20799 -- Plato 20800% 20801How can you think and hit at the same time? 20802 -- Yogi Berra 20803% 20804How can you work when the system's so crowded? 20805% 20806How come everyone's going so slow if it's called rush hour? 20807% 20808How come financial advisors never seem to be as wealthy as they 20809claim they'll make you? 20810% 20811How come we never talk anymore? 20812% 20813How come wrong numbers are never busy? 20814% 20815How comes it to pass, then, that we appear such cowards 20816in reasoning, and are so afraid to stand the test of ridicule? 20817 -- A. Cooper 20818% 20819How could they think women a recreation? 20820Or the repetition of bodies of steady interest? 20821Only the ignorant or the busy could. That elm 20822of flesh must prove a luxury of primes; 20823be perilous and dear with rain of an alternate earth. 20824Which is not to damn the forested China of touching. 20825I am neither priestly nor tired, and the great knowledge 20826of breasts with their loud nipples congregates in me. 20827The sudden nakedness, the small ribs, the mouth. 20828Splendid. Splendid. Splendid. Like Rome. Like loins. 20829A glamour sufficient to our long marvelous dying. 20830I say sufficient and speak with earned privilege, 20831for my life has been eaten in that foliate city. 20832To ambergris. But not for recreation. 20833I would not have lost so much for recreation. 20834 20835Nor for love as the sweet pretend: the children's game 20836of deliberate ignorance of each to allow the dreaming. 20837Not for the impersonal belly nor the heart's drunkenness 20838have I come this far, stubborn, disasterous way. 20839But for relish of those archipelagoes of person. 20840To hold her in hand, closed as any sparrow, 20841and call and call forever till she turn from bird 20842to blowing woods. From woods to jungle. Persimmon. 20843To light. From light to princess. From princess to woman 20844in all her fresh particularity of difference. 20845Then oh, through the underwater time of night 20846indecent and still, to speak to her without habit. 20847This I have done with my life, and am content. 20848I wish I could tell you how it is in that dark, 20849standing in the huge singing and the alien world. 20850 -- Jack Gilbert, "Don Giovanni on his way to Hell" 20851% 20852How do you explain school to a higher intelligence? 20853 -- Elliot, "E.T." 20854% 20855"How do you know she is a unicorn?" Molly demanded. "And why were you afraid 20856to let her touch you? I saw you. You were afraid of her." 20857 "I doubt that I will feel like talking for very long," the cat 20858replied without rancor. "I would not waste time in foolishness if I were 20859you. As to your first question, no cat out of its first fur can ever be 20860deceived by appearances. Unlike human beings, who enjoy them. As for your 20861second question --" Here he faltered, and suddenly became very interested 20862in washing; nor would he speak until he had licked himself fluffy and then 20863licked himself smooth again. Even then he would not look at Molly, but 20864examined his claws. 20865 "If she had touched me," he said very softly, "I would have been 20866hers and not my own, not ever again." 20867 -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn" 20868% 20869How doth the little crocodile 20870 Improve his shining tail, 20871And pour the waters of the Nile 20872 On every golden scale! 20873 20874How cheerfully he seems to grin, 20875 How neatly spreads his claws, 20876And welcomes little fishes in, 20877 With gently smiling jaws! 20878% 20879How doth the VAX's C-compiler 20880 Improve its object code. 20881And even as we speak does it 20882 Increase the system load. 20883 20884How patiently it seems to run 20885 And spit out error flags, 20886While users, with frustration, all 20887 Tear their clothes to rags. 20888% 20889How is the world ruled, and how do wars start? Diplomats tell lies to 20890journalists, and they believe what they read. 20891 -- Karl Kraus, "Aphorisms and More Aphorisms" 20892% 20893How kind of you to be willing to live someone's life for them. 20894% 20895How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on. 20896% 20897How many "coming men" has one known! Where on earth do they all go to? 20898 -- Sir Arthur Wing Pinero 20899% 20900How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being carried by 20901a waiter at a nice party? 20902 Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors 20903d'oeuvre. If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell what's 20904inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then say: "This is 20905cheese! I hate cheese!" Then you put the rest of it back on the tray and 20906bite another one and go, "Darn it! Another cheese!" and so on. 20907 -- Dave Barry 20908% 20909How many priests are needed for a Boston Mass? 20910% 20911How many weeks are there in a light year? 20912% 20913How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to Dayton? 20914 -- UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey, Brian Boyle 20915% 20916How much does she love you? 20917Less than you'll ever know. 20918% 20919How much for your women? I want to buy your 20920daughter... how much for the little girl? 20921 -- Jake Blues, "The Blues Brothers" 20922% 20923How much net work could a network work, if a network could net work? 20924% 20925How much of their influence on you is a result of your influence on them? 20926% 20927How often I found where I should be going 20928only by setting out for somewhere else. 20929 -- R. Buckminster Fuller 20930% 20931How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent. 20932% 20933How sharper than a serpent's tooth is a sister's "See?" 20934 -- Linus Van Pelt 20935% 20936How to Raise Your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children 20937 -- Book title by Lewis B. Frumkes 20938% 20939How untasteful can you get? 20940% 20941How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers. 20942% 20943How you look depends on where you go. 20944% 20945However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity 20946in my traditional manner... sulking and nausea. 20947 -- Tom K. Ryan 20948% 20949However, on religious issues there can be little or no compromise. There 20950is no position on which people are so immovable as their religious beliefs. 20951There is no more powerful ally one can claim in a debate than Jesus Christ, 20952or God, or Allah, or whatever one calls this supreme being. But like any 20953powerful weapon, the use of God's name on one's behalf should be used 20954sparingly. The religious factions that are growing throughout our land are 20955not using their religious clout with wisdom. They are trying to force 20956government leaders into following their position 100 percent. If you disagree 20957with these religious groups on a particular moral issue, they complain, they 20958threaten you with a loss of money or votes or both. I'm frankly sick and 20959tired of the political preachers across this country telling me as a citizen 20960that if I want to be a moral person, I must believe in "A," "B," "C," and 20961"D." Just who do they think they are? And from where do they presume to 20962claim the right to dictate their moral beliefs to me? And I am even more 20963angry as a legislator who must endure the threats of every religious group 20964who thinks it has some God-granted right to control my vote on every roll 20965call in the Senate. I am warning them today: I will fight them every step 20966of the way if they try to dictate their moral convictions to all Americans 20967in the name of "conservatism." 20968 -- Senator Barry Goldwater, Congressional Record 20969% 20970HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., motion 20971that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate amendment making 20972changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. The Senate amendment 20973was an amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the House 20974amendment to the Senate amendment to the bill. The original Senate amendment 20975was the conference agreement on the bill. Agreed to. 20976 -- Albuquerque Journal 20977% 20978Hubbard's Law: 20979 Don't take life too seriously; 20980 you won't get out of it alive. 20981% 20982Hug me now, you mad, impetuous fool!! 20983Oh wait... 20984I'm a computer, and you're a person. It would never work out. 20985Never mind. 20986% 20987Huh? 20988% 20989Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill. 20990% 20991Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in 1929. 20992Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an operating 20993table to prevent her interference, he placed a ureteral catheter into 20994a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of his heart], and 20995walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took the confirmatory 20996x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the Nobel Prize. 20997% 20998Human kind cannot bear very much reality. 20999 -- T.S. Eliot, "Four Quartets: Burnt Norton" 21000% 21001Human resources are human first, and resources second. 21002 -- J. Garbers 21003% 21004Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober, 21005responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and 21006immature. 21007 -- Tom Robbins 21008% 21009Humans are communications junkies. We just can't get enough. 21010 -- Alan Kay 21011% 21012Humility is the first of the virtues -- for other people. 21013 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes 21014% 21015Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs. 21016% 21017Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse. 21018 -- William Gilbert 21019% 21020Humorists always sit at the children's table. 21021 -- Woody Allen 21022% 21023"Humpf!" Humpfed a voice! "For almost two days you've run wild and insisted on 21024chatting with persons who've never existed. Such carryings-on in our peaceable 21025jungle! We've had quite enough of you bellowing bungle! And I'm here to 21026state," snapped the big kangaroo, "That your silly nonsensical game is all 21027through!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "Me, too!" 21028 "With the help of the Wickersham Brothers and dozens of Wickersham 21029Uncles and Wickersham Cousins and Wickersham In-Laws, whose help I've engaged, 21030You're going to be roped! And you're going to be caged! And, as for your 21031dust speck... Hah! That we shall boil in a hot steaming kettle of Beezle-But 21032oil!" 21033 -- Dr. Seuss "Horton Hears a Who" 21034% 21035Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall, 21036Humpty Dumpty had a great fall! 21037All the king's horses, 21038And all the king's men, 21039Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again! 21040% 21041Humpty Dumpty was pushed. 21042% 21043Hurewitz's Memory Principle: 21044 The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional 21045 to... to... uh..... 21046% 21047I: 21048 The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin 21049 with a silk sow. The same is true of money. 21050II: 21051 If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it would 21052 probably be twice as good as yesterday was. 21053III: 21054 There are no lazy veteran lion hunters. 21055IV: 21056 If you can afford to advertise, you don't need to. 21057V: 21058 One-tenth of the participants produce over one-third of the output. 21059 Increasing the number of participants merely reduces the average 21060 output. 21061 -- Norman Augustine 21062% 21063I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. 21064There's a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't seem to work. 21065 -- Gallagher 21066% 21067I accept chaos. I am not sure whether it accepts me. I know some people 21068are terrified of the bomb. But then some people are terrified to be seen 21069carrying a modern screen magazine. Experience teaches us that silence 21070terrifies people the most. 21071 -- Bob Dylan 21072% 21073I acted to show my love for Jodie Foster. 21074 -- John Hinckley 21075% 21076I ain't got no quarrle with them Viet Congs. 21077 -- Muhammad Ali 21078% 21079I allow the world to live as it chooses, 21080and I allow myself to live as I choose. 21081% 21082I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a professor 21083or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any other minority 21084viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority. 21085 -- Richard M. Nixon 21086 21087What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism? 21088 -- Richard M. Nixon 21089% 21090I always choose my friends for their good looks and my enemies for their 21091good intellects. Man cannot be too careful in his choice of enemies. 21092 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray" 21093% 21094I always had a repulsive need to be something more than human. 21095 -- David Bowie 21096% 21097I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. 21098It is never any good to oneself. 21099 -- Oscar Wilde, "An Ideal Husband" 21100% 21101I always say beauty is only sin deep. 21102 -- Saki, "Reginald's Choir Treat" 21103% 21104I always turn to the sports pages first, which record people's 21105accomplishments. The front page has nothing but man's failures. 21106 -- Chief Justice Earl Warren 21107% 21108I always wake up at the crack of ice. 21109 -- Joe E. Lewis 21110% 21111I always will remember -- I was in no mood to trifle; 21112'Twas a year ago November -- I got down my trusty rifle 21113I went out to shoot some deer And went out to stalk my prey -- 21114On a morning bright and clear. What a haul I made that day! 21115I went and shot the maximum I tied them to my bumper and 21116The game laws would allow: I drove them home somehow, 21117Two game wardens, seven hunters, Two game wardens, seven hunters, 21118And a cow. And a cow. 21119 21120The Law was very firm, it People ask me how I do it 21121Took away my permit-- And I say, "There's nothin' to it! 21122The worst punishment I ever endured. You just stand there lookin' cute, 21123It turns out there was a reason: And when something moves, you shoot." 21124Cows were out of season, and And there's ten stuffed heads 21125One of the hunters wasn't insured. In my trophy room right now: 21126 Two game wardens, seven hunters, 21127 And a pure-bred gurnsey cow. 21128 -- Tom Lehrer, "The Hunting Song" 21129% 21130I am a bookaholic. If you are a decent 21131person, you will not sell me another book. 21132% 21133I am a computer. 21134I am dumber than any human and smarter than any administrator. 21135% 21136I am a conscientious man, when I throw 21137rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned. 21138 -- Ogden Nash, "Everybody's Mind to Me a Kingdom Is" 21139% 21140I am a deeply superficial person. 21141 -- Andy Warhol 21142% 21143I am a friend of the working man, and I would rather be his friend 21144than be one. 21145 -- Clarence Darrow 21146% 21147I am a man: nothing human is alien to me. 21148 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) 21149% 21150I am America's child, a spastic slogging on demented 21151limbs drooling I'll trade my PhD for a telephone voice. 21152 -- Burt Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance" 21153% 21154I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else. 21155 -- Winston Churchill 21156% 21157I am changing my name to Chrysler 21158I am going down to Washington, D.C. 21159I will tell some power broker 21160 What they did for Iacocca 21161Will be perfectly acceptable to me! 21162 21163I am changing my name to Chrysler, 21164I am heading for that great receiving line. 21165When they hand a million grand out, 21166 I'll be standing with my hand out, 21167Yessir, I'll get mine! 21168% 21169I am convinced that the truest act of courage is to sacrifice ourselves 21170for others in a totally nonviolent struggle for justice. To be a man 21171is to suffer for others. 21172 -- Cesar Chavez 21173% 21174I am fairly unrepentant about her poetry. I really think that three 21175quarters of it is gibberish. However, I must crush down these thoughts 21176otherwise the dove of peace will shit on me. 21177 -- Noel Coward on Edith Sitwell 21178% 21179I am firm. You are obstinate. He is a pig-headed fool. 21180 -- Katharine Whitehorn 21181% 21182I am getting into abstract painting. Real abstract -- no brush, no canvas, 21183I just think about it. I just went to an art museum where all of the art 21184was done by children. All the paintings were hung on refrigerators. 21185 -- Steven Wright 21186% 21187I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, of 21188pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell you 21189that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial atomic 21190globule. Consequently, my family pride is something inconceivable. I 21191can't help it. I was born sneering. 21192 -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado" 21193% 21194I am just a nice, clean-cut Mongolian boy. 21195 -- Yul Brynner, 1956 21196% 21197I am looking for a honest man. 21198 -- Diogenes the Cynic 21199% 21200I am NOMAD! 21201% 21202I am not a crook. 21203 -- Richard Nixon 21204% 21205I am not a politician and my other habits are also good. 21206 -- A. Ward 21207% 21208I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today. 21209 -- William Allen White 21210% 21211I am not an Economist. I am an honest man! 21212 -- Paul McCracken 21213% 21214I am not now and never have been a girl friend of Henry Kissinger. 21215 -- Gloria Steinem 21216% 21217I am professionally trained in computer science, which is to say 21218(in all seriousness) that I am extremely poorly educated. 21219 -- Joseph Weizenbaum, "Computer Power and Human Reason" 21220% 21221I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared 21222for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. 21223 -- W. Churchill 21224% 21225I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone 21226has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. 21227 -- Professor Lowd, English, Ohio University 21228% 21229I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater. 21230% 21231I am the wandering glitch -- catch me if you can. 21232% 21233I am two fools, I know, for loving, and for saying so. 21234 -- John Donne 21235% 21236I am two with nature. 21237 -- Woody Allen 21238% 21239I am very fond of the company of ladies. I like their beauty, 21240I like their delicacy, I like their vivacity, and I like their silence. 21241 -- Samuel Johnson 21242% 21243I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of the 21244sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for you are 21245loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway. 21246 -- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy, 21247 University of Tennessee at Knoxville 21248% 21249I asked the engineer who designed the communication terminal's keyboards 21250why these were not manufactured in a central facility, in view of the 21251small number needed [1 per month] in his factory. He explained that this 21252would be contrary to the political concept of local self-sufficiency. 21253Therefore, each factory needing keyboards, no matter how few, manufactures 21254them completely, even molding the keypads. 21255 -- Isaac Auerbach, IEEE "Computer", Nov. 1979 21256% 21257I attribute my success to intelligence, guts, determination, honesty, 21258ambition, and having enough money to buy people with those qualities. 21259% 21260I B M 21261U B M 21262We all B M 21263For I B M!!!! 21264 -- H.A.R.L.I.E. 21265% 21266I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. 21267 -- Gilda Radner 21268% 21269I began many years ago, as so many young men do, in searching for the 21270perfect woman. I believed that if I looked long enough, and hard enough, 21271I would find her and then I would be secure for life. Well, the years 21272and romances came and went, and I eventually ended up settling for someone 21273a lot less than my idea of perfection. But one day, after many years 21274together, I lay there on our bed recovering from a slight illness. My 21275wife was sitting on a chair next to the bed, humming softly and watching 21276the late afternoon sun filtering through the trees. The only sounds to 21277be heard elsewhere were the clock ticking, the kettle downstairs starting 21278to boil, and an occasional schoolchild passing beneath our window. And 21279as I looked up into my wife's now wrinkled face, but still warm and 21280twinkling eyes, I realized something about perfection... It comes only 21281with time. 21282 -- James L. Collymore, "Perfect Woman" 21283% 21284I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life, 21285particularly if he has income and she is pattable. 21286 -- Ogden Nash 21287% 21288I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute 21289-- where no Catholic prelate would tell the president (should he be Catholic) 21290how to act, and no Protestant minister would tell his parishoners for whom 21291to vote -- where no church or church school is granted any public funds or 21292political preference -- and where no man is denied public office merely 21293because his religion differs from the president who might appoint him or 21294the people who might elect him. 21295 -- John F. Kennedy 21296% 21297I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean. 21298 -- G.K. Chesterton 21299% 21300I believe in sex and death -- two experiences that come once in a lifetime. 21301 -- Woody Allen 21302% 21303I believe that professional wrestling is clean 21304and everything else in the world is fixed. 21305 -- Frank Deford, sports writer 21306% 21307I believe that the moment is near when by a procedure of active paranoiac 21308thought, it will be possible to systematize confusion and contribute to the 21309total discrediting of the world of reality. 21310 -- Salvador Dali 21311% 21312I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat. 21313 -- Will Rogers 21314% 21315I bet the human brain is a kludge. 21316 -- Marvin Minsky 21317% 21318I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on 21319the same day. Then that night, they burned the wheel. 21320 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 21321% 21322I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would always 21323end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy brows." Then they would get 21324embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and 21325they'd get mad and eat the snowman. 21326 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 21327% 21328I bet you have fun chasing the soap around the bathtub. 21329 -- Princess Diana, to a one-armed war veteran during 21330 a visit to a London veterans hospital 21331% 21332I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. 21333 -- Stephen Wright 21334% 21335I braved the contempt of my friends last week and ventured out to see 21336Bambi, the Disney rerelease that is proving to be a hit once again in the 21337box office. I was looking forward to a gentle, soothing, late afternoon 21338relief from the Washington Summer. Instead I was traumatized. As a 21339psycho-sexual return to the horrors of early adolescence, it couldn't be 21340more effective. For the first half-hour, you're lulled into an agreeable 21341sense of security and comfort. Birds twitter; small rabbits turn out to 21342be great conversationalists. Pop is what Senator Moynihan would describe 21343as an absent father, but Mom's there to make you feel OK in the odd 21344thunderstorm. You make great friends, fool around on the ice, discover 21345the meadow, generally mellow out. Then, without any particular warning, 21346your mom gets shot, your voice breaks, huge growths start appearing on 21347your head, and your peers start heading off into the clover with the 21348apparent intention of having sex. Next thing you know, the forest burns 21349down. If I were still eight, I think I'd prefer Rambo III. 21350 -- Townsend Davis 21351% 21352I call them as I see them. If I can't see them, I make them up. 21353 -- Biff Barf 21354% 21355I called my parents the other night, but I forgot about the time difference. 21356They're still living in the fifties. 21357 -- Strange de Jim 21358% 21359I came, I saw, I deleted all your files. 21360% 21361I came out of twelve years of college and I didn't even know how to sew. 21362All I could do was account -- I couldn't even account for myself. 21363 -- Firesign Theatre 21364% 21365I came to MIT to get an education for myself and a diploma for my mother. 21366% 21367I can give you my word, but I know what it's worth and you don't. 21368 -- Nero Wolfe, "Over My Dead Body" 21369% 21370I can hire one half of the working class to kill the other half. 21371 -- Jay Gould 21372% 21373I can mend the break of day, heal a broken heart, 21374and provide temporary relief to nymphomaniacs. 21375 -- Larry Lee 21376% 21377I can relate to that. 21378% 21379I can resist anything but temptation. 21380% 21381I can see him a'comin' 21382With his big boots on, 21383With his big thumb out, 21384He wants to get me. 21385He wants to hurt me. 21386He wants to bring me down. 21387But some time later, 21388When I feel a little straighter, 21389I'll come across a stranger 21390Who'll remind me of the danger, 21391And then.... I'll run him over. 21392Pretty smart on my part! 21393To find my way... In the dark! 21394 -- Phil Ochs 21395% 21396I can write better than anybody who can write faster, 21397and I can write faster than anybody who can write better. 21398 -- A.J. Liebling 21399% 21400I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions. 21401 -- Lillian Hellman 21402% 21403I cannot believe that God plays dice with the cosmos. 21404 -- Albert Einstein, on the randomness of quantum mechanics 21405% 21406I cannot draw a cart, nor eat dried oats; 21407If it be man's work I will do it. 21408% 21409I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest. 21410 -- Steven Pearl 21411% 21412I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. 21413 -- Joe Walsh 21414% 21415I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling. 21416 -- Florence Henderson 21417% 21418I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver. 21419 -- Phil Harris 21420% 21421I Can't Get Over You, So I Get Up and Go Around to the Other Side 21422If You Won't Leave Me Alone, I'll Find Someone Who Will 21423I Knew That You'd Committed a Sin When You Came Home Late With 21424 Your Socks Outside-in 21425I'm a Rabbit in the Headlights of Your Love 21426Don't Kick My Tires If You Ain't Gonna Take Me For a Ride 21427I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well 21428I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better 21429I've Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies and I'm Blue All the Time 21430 -- proposed Country-Western song titles from "Wordplay" 21431% 21432I can't mate in captivity. 21433 -- Gloria Steinem, on why she has never married. 21434% 21435I can't seem to bring myself to say, "Well, I guess I'll be toddling along." 21436It isn't that I can't toddle. It's that I can't guess I'll toddle. 21437 -- Robert Benchley 21438% 21439I can't stand squealers; hit that guy. 21440 -- Albert Anastasia 21441% 21442I can't stand this proliferation of paperwork. It's useless to fight the 21443forms. You've got to kill the people producing them. 21444 -- Vladimir Kabaidze, general director of the Ivanovo Machine 21445 Building Works (near Moscow) in a speech to the Communist 21446 Party Conference 21447% 21448I can't understand it. 21449I can't even understand the people who can understand it. 21450 -- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands 21451% 21452I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a 21453novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. 21454 -- Fred Allen 21455% 21456I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas. 21457I'm frightened of the old ones. 21458 -- John Cage 21459% 21460I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his 21461keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating 21462up a child. 21463 -- Stephen Wright 21464% 21465I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time 21466a woman got pregnant, someone left town. 21467 -- Michael Prichard 21468% 21469I consider a new device or technology to have been 21470culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder. 21471 -- M. Gallaher 21472% 21473I consider the day misspent that I am not 21474either charged with a crime, or arrested for one. 21475 -- "Ratsy" Tourbillon 21476% 21477I could never learn to like her -- 21478except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight. 21479 -- Mark Twain 21480% 21481I couldn't possibly fail to disagree with you less. 21482% 21483I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps the 21484time I found out that M&Ms really DO melt in your hand. 21485 -- Peter Oakley 21486% 21487I despise the pleasure of pleasing people whom I despise. 21488% 21489I didn't believe in reincarnation in any of my other lives. I don't see why 21490I should have to believe in it in this one. 21491 -- Strange de Jim 21492% 21493I didn't do it! Nobody saw me do it! Can't prove anything! 21494 -- Bart Simpson 21495% 21496I didn't get sophisticated -- I just got tired. 21497But maybe that's what sophisticated is -- being tired. 21498 -- Rita Gain 21499% 21500I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British. 21501% 21502I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions. 21503The curtain was up. 21504% 21505"I didn't order any WOO-WOO... Maybe a YUBBA... But no WOO-WOO!" 21506 -- Zippy the Pinhead 21507% 21508I disagree with what you say, but will defend 21509to the death your right to tell such LIES! 21510% 21511I distrust a close-mouthed man. He generally picks the wrong time to talk 21512and says the wrong things. Talking's something you can't do judiciously, 21513unless you keep in practice. Now, sir, we'll talk if you like. I'll tell 21514you right out, I'm a man who likes talking to a man who likes to talk. 21515 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon" 21516% 21517I distrust a man who says when. If he's got to be careful not to drink 21518too much, it's because he's not to be trusted when he does. 21519 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon" 21520% 21521I do desire we may be better strangers. 21522 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It" 21523% 21524I do enjoy a good long walk -- especially when my wife takes one. 21525% 21526I do hate sums. There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an 21527exact science. There are permutations and aberrations discernible to minds 21528entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary accountants fail 21529to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a mind like mine to 21530perceive. For instance, if you add a sum from the bottom up, and then again 21531from the top down, the result is always different. 21532 -- Mrs. La Touche 21533% 21534I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman 21535Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant Church, 21536nor by any Church that I know of. My own mind is my own Church. 21537 -- Thomas Paine 21538% 21539I do not care if half the league strikes. Those who do will encounter 21540quick retribution. All will be suspended, and I don't care if it wrecks 21541the National League for five years. This is the United States of America 21542and one citizen has as much right to play as another. 21543 -- Ford Frick, National League President, reacting to a 21544 threatened strike by some Cardinal players in 1947 if 21545 Jackie Robinson took the field against St. Louis. The 21546 Cardinals backed down and played. 21547% 21548I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. 21549 -- Isaac Asimov 21550% 21551I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with 21552sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use. 21553 -- Galileo Galilei 21554% 21555I do not know myself and God forbid that I should. 21556 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 21557% 21558I do not know where to find in any literature, whether ancient or modern, 21559any adequate account of that nature with which I am acquainted. Mythology 21560comes nearest to it of any. 21561 -- Henry David Thoreau 21562% 21563I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a 21564butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man. 21565 -- Chuang-tzu 21566% 21567I do not remember ever having seen a sustained argument by an author which, 21568starting from philosophical premises likely to meet with general acceptance, 21569reached the conclusion that a praiseworthy ordering of one's life is to 21570devote it to research in mathematics. 21571 -- Sir Edmund Whittaker, "Scientific American", Vol. 183 21572% 21573I do not seek the ignorant; the ignorant seek me -- I will instruct them. 21574I ask nothing but sincerity. If they come out of habit, they become 21575tiresome. 21576 -- I Ching 21577% 21578I do not take drugs -- I am drugs. 21579 -- Salvador Dali 21580% 21581I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an 21582Aquarius, and Aquarians don't believe in astrology. 21583 -- James Quirk 21584% 21585I don't care how poor and inefficient a little country is; they like to 21586run their own business. I know men that would make my wife a better 21587husband than I am; but, darn it, I'm not going to give her to 'em. 21588 -- The Best of Will Rogers 21589% 21590I don't care what star you're following, get that camel off my front lawn! 21591 -- Heard in Bethlehem 21592% 21593I don't care where I sit as long as I get fed. 21594 -- Calvin Trillin 21595% 21596I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't 21597deserve that either. 21598 -- Jack Benny 21599% 21600I don't do it for the money. 21601 -- Donald Trump, Art of the Deal 21602% 21603I don't drink, I don't like it, it makes me feel too good. 21604 -- K. Coates 21605% 21606I don't even butter my bread. I consider that cooking. 21607 -- Katherine Cebrian 21608% 21609I don't get no respect. 21610% 21611I don't have an eating problem. I eat. 21612I get fat. I buy new clothes. No problem. 21613% 21614I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem. 21615 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 21616% 21617I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got 21618hundreds of people waiting to abuse me. 21619 -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters" 21620% 21621I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above 21622globes. They freak out and yell "Whooa, I'm *way* too high." 21623 -- Bruce Baum 21624% 21625I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to. 21626 -- Elvis Presley 21627% 21628I don't know what Descartes' got, 21629But booze can do what Kant cannot. 21630 -- Mike Cross 21631% 21632I don't know who my grandfather was; I am much 21633more concerned to know what his grandson will be. 21634 -- Abraham Lincoln 21635% 21636I don't know why anyone would want a computer in their home. 21637 -- Ken Olson, president of DEC, 1974 21638% 21639I don't know why we're here, I say we all go home and free associate. 21640% 21641I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, 21642because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I'd just hate it. 21643 -- Clarence Darrow 21644% 21645I don't like the Dutchman. He's a crocodile. He's sneaky. 21646I don't trust him. 21647 -- Jack "Legs" Diamond, just before a peace conference 21648 with Dutch Schultz. 21649 21650I don't trust Legs. He's nuts. He gets excited and starts pulling a 21651trigger like another guy wipes his nose. 21652 -- Dutch Schultz, just before a peace conference with 21653 "Legs" Diamond. 21654% 21655I don't make the rules, Gil, I only play the game. 21656 -- Cash McCall 21657% 21658I don't mind arguing with myself. 21659It's when I lose that it bothers me. 21660 -- Richard Powers 21661% 21662I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the 21663streets and frighten the horses. 21664 -- Victor Hugo 21665% 21666I don't need no arms around me... 21667I don't need no drugs to calm me... 21668I have seen the writing on the wall. 21669Don't think I need anything at all. 21670No! Don't think I need anything at all! 21671All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall. 21672All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall. 21673 -- Pink Floyd, "Another Brick in the Wall", Part III 21674% 21675I don't remember it, but I have it written down. 21676% 21677I don't see what's wrong with giving Bobby a little experience before 21678he starts to practice law. 21679 -- John F. Kennedy, upon appointing his brother 21680 Attorney-General. 21681% 21682I DON'T THINK I'M ALONE when I say I'd like to see more and more planets 21683fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system. 21684 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 21685% 21686I don't think they are going to give a shit about the Republican 21687Committee trying to bug the Democratic Committee's headquarters. 21688 -- Richard Nixon, 1972 21689% 21690"I don't understand," said the scientist, "why you lemmings all rush down 21691to the sea and drown yourselves." 21692 21693"How curious," said the lemming. "The one thing I don't understand is why 21694you human beings don't." 21695 -- James Thurber 21696% 21697I don't understand you anymore. 21698% 21699I don't wanna argue, and I don't wanna fight, 21700But there will definitely be a party tonight... 21701% 21702I don't want a pickle, 21703I just wanna ride on my motorcycle. 21704And I don't want to die, 21705I just want to ride on my motorcycle. 21706 -- Arlo Guthrie 21707% 21708I don't want people to love me. It makes for obligations. 21709 -- Jean Anouilh 21710% 21711I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. 21712I want to achieve immortality through not dying. 21713 -- Woody Allen 21714% 21715I don't want to bore you, but there's nobody else around for me to bore. 21716% 21717I don't want to live on in my work, I want to live on in my apartment. 21718 -- Woody Allen 21719% 21720I don't wish to appear overly inquisitive, but are you still alive? 21721% 21722I dote on his very absence. 21723 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" 21724% 21725I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business on 21726earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment he has 21727succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual becoming, with a 21728goal in front and not behind. 21729 -- George Bernard Shaw 21730% 21731I drink to make other people interesting. 21732 -- George Jean Nathan 21733% 21734I either want less decadence or more chance to participate in it. 21735% 21736I enjoy the time that we spend together. 21737% 21738I exist, therefore I am paid. 21739% 21740I fear explanations explanatory of things explained. 21741% 21742I feel sorry for your brain... all alone in that great big head... 21743% 21744I fell asleep reading a dull book, 21745and I dreamt that I was reading on, 21746so I woke up from sheer boredom. 21747% 21748I figure that if God actually does exist, He's big enough to understand an 21749honest difference of opinion. 21750 - Isaac Asimov 21751% 21752I finally went to the eye doctor. I got contacts. 21753I only need them to read, so I got flip-ups. 21754 -- Steven Wright 21755% 21756I find this corpse guilty of carrying a concealed weapon and I fine it $40. 21757 -- Judge Roy Bean, finding a pistol and $40 on a man he'd 21758 just shot. 21759% 21760I found Rome a city of bricks and left it a city of marble. 21761 -- Augustus Caesar 21762% 21763I gave my love an Apple, that had no core; 21764I gave my love a building, that had no floor; 21765I wrote my love a program, that had no end; 21766I gave my love an upgrade, with no cryin'. 21767 21768How can there be an Apple, that has no core? 21769How can there be a building, that has no floor? 21770How can there be a program, that has no end? 21771How can there be an upgrade, with no cryin'? 21772 21773An Apple's MOS memory don't use no core! 21774A building that's perfect, it has no flaw! 21775A program with GOTOs, it has no end! 21776I lied about the upgrade, with no cryin'! 21777% 21778I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it. 21779 -- Mae West 21780% 21781I get my exercise acting as pallbearer to my friends who exercise. 21782 -- Chauncey Depew 21783% 21784I get up each morning, gather my wits. 21785Pick up the paper, read the obits. 21786If I'm not there I know I'm not dead. 21787So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed. 21788 21789Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent? 21790My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went. 21791But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin, 21792And think of the places my get-up has been. 21793 -- Pete Seeger 21794% 21795I give you the man who -- the man who -- uh, I forgets the man who? 21796 -- Beauregard Bugleboy 21797% 21798I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs. 21799 -- H.L. Mencken 21800% 21801I go the way that Providence dictates. 21802 -- Adolf Hitler 21803% 21804"I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me... I 21805pushed '1' and he just stood there... I said 'Hi, where you going?' He 21806said, 'Phoenix.' So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors 21807opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... we were in downtown Phoenix. I looked 21808at him and said 'You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around 21809with.' We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert. 21810Then the phone rang. He said 'You get it.' I picked it up and said 21811'Hello?'... the other side said 'Is this Steven Wright?'... I said 'Yes...' 21812The guy said 'Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank... 21813It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you 21814attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you... we 21815would just like to know what happened to the money?' I said, 'Mr. Jones, 21816I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick, 21817and with it he built a nuclear weapon... and I would appreciate it you never 21818called me again." 21819 -- Stephen Wright 21820% 21821I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now 21822when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and 21823farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go." 21824 -- Steven Wright 21825% 21826I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were 21827wearing masks for. 21828 -- James Boren 21829% 21830I got this powdered water -- now I don't know what to add. 21831 -- Steven Wright 21832% 21833I got tired of listening to the recording on the phone at the movie 21834theater. So I bought the album. I got kicked out of a theater the 21835other day for bringing my own food in. I argued that the concession 21836stand prices were outrageous. Besides, I hadn't had a barbecue in a 21837long time. I went to the theater and the sign said adults $5 children 21838$2.50. I told them I wanted 2 boys and a girl. I once took a cab to 21839a drive-in movie. The movie cost me $95. 21840 -- Steven Wright 21841% 21842I got vision, and the rest of the world wears bifocals. 21843 -- Butch Cassidy 21844% 21845I GUESS I KINDA LOST CONTROL because in the middle of the play I ran up 21846and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. 21847 21848No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to illustrate one of the 21849human emotions which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when 21850you kill someone for money or something like that. Another emotion is 21851generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid 21852puppet. 21853 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 21854% 21855I GUESS I'LL NEVER FORGET HER. And maybe I don't want to. Her spirit 21856was wild, like a wild monkey. Her beauty was like a beautiful horse 21857being ridden by a wild monkey. I forget her other qualities. 21858 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 21859% 21860I guess I've been so wrapped up in playing the game that I never took 21861time enough to figure out where the goal line was -- what it meant to 21862win -- or even how you won. 21863 -- Cash McCall 21864% 21865I guess I've been wrong all my life, but so have billions of 21866other people... Certainty is just an emotion. 21867 -- Hal Clement 21868% 21869I GUESS OF ALL MY UNCLES, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him 21870Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat 21871one of us. Later, we found out he was a bear. 21872 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 21873% 21874I guess the Little League is even littler than we thought. 21875 -- D. Cavett 21876% 21877I GUESS WE WERE ALL GUILTY, in a way. We shot him, we skinned him, and 21878we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob." 21879 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 21880% 21881I had a dream last night... 21882I dreamt about 1976. 21883I dreamt about a country with incurable brain damage... 21884I even dreamt they gave it a heart transplant. 21885Then I woke up and I knew it was only a nightmare... 21886so I went back to sleep again. 21887 -- Ralph Steadman, "Fear and Loathing '72" 21888% 21889I had a feeling once about mathematics -- that I saw it all. Depth beyond 21890depth was revealed to me -- the Byss and the Abyss. I saw -- as one might 21891see the transit of Venus or even the Lord Mayor's Show -- a quantity passing 21892through infinity and changing its sign from plus to minus. I saw exactly 21893why it happened and why tergiversation was inevitable -- but it was after 21894dinner and I let it go. 21895 -- Winston Churchill 21896% 21897I had a virgin once. I had to go to Guatemala for her. She was blind 21898in one eye, and she had a stuffed alligator that said, "Welcome to Miami 21899Beach." 21900 -- The Stunt Man 21901% 21902I had another dream the other day about government financial management 21903people. They were small and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they 21904had stepped out of a painting by Goya. 21905% 21906I had another dream the other day about music critics. They were small 21907and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they had stepped out of a 21908painting by Goya. 21909 -- Stravinsky 21910% 21911I had never been too political, but I knew how white people treated black 21912people and it was hard for me to come back to the bullshit white people 21913put a black person through in this country. To realize you don't have any 21914power to make things different is a bitch. 21915 -- Miles Davis 21916% 21917I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet, 21918so I took his shoes. 21919 -- Dave Barry 21920% 21921I had the rare misfortune of being one of the first people to try and 21922implement a PL/1 compiler. 21923 -- T. Cheatham 21924% 21925I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense. 21926% 21927I hate babies. They're so human. 21928 -- H.H. Munro 21929% 21930I hate dying. 21931 -- Dave Johnson 21932% 21933I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means 21934it's going to be up all night. 21935 -- Steven Wright 21936% 21937I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, 21938and I know how bad I am. 21939 -- Samuel Johnson 21940% 21941I hate quotations. 21942 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 21943% 21944I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park 21945there's nothing else to do. 21946 -- Lenny Bruce 21947% 21948I hate trolls. Maybe I could metamorph it into something else -- like a 21949ravenous, two-headed, fire-breathing dragon. 21950 -- Willow 21951% 21952I have a box of telephone rings under my bed. Whenever I get lonely, I 21953open it up a little bit, and I get a phone call. One day I dropped the 21954box all over the floor. The phone wouldn't stop ringing. I had to get 21955it disconnected. So I got a new phone. I didn't have much money, so I 21956had to get an irregular. It doesn't have a five. I ran into a friend 21957of mine on the street the other day. He said why don't you give me a 21958call. I told him I can't call everybody I want to anymore, my phone 21959doesn't have a five. He asked how long had it been that way. I said I 21960didn't know -- my calendar doesn't have any sevens. 21961 -- S. Wright 21962% 21963I have a dog; I named him Stay. So when I'd go to call him, I'd say, "Here, 21964Stay, here..." but he got wise to that. Now when I call him he ignores me 21965and just keeps on typing. 21966 -- Stephen Wright 21967% 21968I have a dream. I have a dream that one day, on the red hills of Georgia, 21969the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to 21970sit down together at the table of brotherhood. 21971 -- Martin Luther King, Jr. 21972% 21973I have a friend whose a billionaire. He invented Cliff's notes. When 21974I asked him how he got such a great idea he said, "Well first I... 21975I just... to make a long story short..." 21976 -- Stephen Wright 21977% 21978I have a hard time being attracted to anyone who can beat me up. 21979 -- John McGrath, Atlanta sportswriter, on women weightlifters. 21980% 21981I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. 21982I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen 21983some of it. 21984 -- Steven Wright 21985% 21986I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me, 21987And what can be the use of him is more than I can see. 21988He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head; 21989And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed. 21990 21991The funniest thing about him is the way he likes to grow-- 21992Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow; 21993For he sometimes shoots up taller, like an india-rubber ball, 21994And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all. 21995 -- R.L. Stevenson 21996% 21997I have a map of the United States. It's actual size. 21998I spent last summer folding it. 21999People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6". 22000 -- Steven Wright 22001% 22002I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died. 22003 -- Richard Diran 22004% 22005I have a simple philosophy: 22006 22007 Fill what's empty. 22008 Empty what's full. 22009 Scratch where it itches. 22010 -- A.R. Longworth 22011% 22012I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once 22013in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I 22014got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!" 22015 -- Steven Wright 22016% 22017I have a terrible headache, I was putting on toilet water and the lid fell. 22018% 22019I have a theory that it's impossible to prove anything, 22020but I can't prove it. 22021% 22022I have a very small mind and must live with it. 22023 -- E. Dijkstra 22024% 22025I have a very strange feeling about this... 22026 -- Luke Skywalker 22027% 22028"I have accepted Provolone into my life!" 22029 -- Zippy the Pinhead 22030% 22031I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to 22032sacrifice my wife's brother. 22033 -- Artemus Ward 22034% 22035I have always noticed that whenever a radical takes 22036to Imperialism, he catches it in a very acute form. 22037 -- Winston Churchill, 1903 22038% 22039I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it. 22040 -- Steven Wright 22041% 22042I have become me without my consent. 22043% 22044I have come up with a surefire concept for a hit television show, which 22045would be called "A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark." 22046 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 22047% 22048I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show, 22049which would be called `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'. 22050 -- Dave Barry 22051% 22052I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per 22053cent an idiot. 22054 -- George Bernard Shaw 22055% 22056I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable 22057to sit still in a room. 22058 -- Blaise Pascal 22059% 22060I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. 22061I tell them the truth and they never believe me. 22062 -- Camillo Di Cavour 22063% 22064I have found it impossible to carry the heavy burden of responsibility and 22065to discharge my duties as king as I would wish to do without the help and 22066support of the woman I love. 22067 -- Edward, Duke of Windsor, 1936, announcing his abdication 22068 of the British throne in order to marry the American 22069 divorcee Wallis Warfield Simpson. 22070% 22071I have found little that is good about human beings. In my experience 22072most of them are trash. 22073 -- Sigmund Freud 22074% 22075I have gained this by philosophy: 22076that I do without being commanded what others 22077do only from fear of the law. 22078 -- Aristotle 22079% 22080I have given two cousins to war and I stand ready to sacrifice my 22081wife's brother. 22082 -- Artemus Ward 22083% 22084I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it. 22085 -- Edgar Allan Poe 22086% 22087I have had my television aerials removed. It's the moral equivalent 22088of a prostate operation. 22089 -- Malcolm Muggeridge 22090% 22091I have hardly ever known a mathematician who was capable of reasoning. 22092 -- Plato 22093% 22094I have just had eighteen whiskeys in a row. 22095I do believe that is a record. 22096 -- Dylan Thomas, his last words 22097% 22098I have learned silence from the talkative, 22099toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind. 22100 -- Kahlil Gibran 22101% 22102I have lots of things in my pockets; 22103None of them is worth anything. 22104Sociopolitical whines aside, 22105Gan you give me, gratis, free, 22106The price of half a gallon 22107Of Gallo extra bad 22108And most of the bus fare home. 22109% 22110I have made mistakes but I have never made the 22111mistake of claiming that I have never made one. 22112 -- James Gordon Bennett 22113% 22114I have made this letter longer than usual 22115because I lack the time to make it shorter. 22116 -- Blaise Pascal 22117% 22118I have more hit points that you can possible imagine. 22119% 22120I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole BODY! 22121 -- Cerebus, #82 22122% 22123I have never been one to sacrifice 22124my appetite on the altar of appearance. 22125 -- A.M. Readyhough 22126% 22127I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. 22128 -- Mark Twain 22129% 22130I have never seen anything fill up a vacuum so fast and still suck. 22131 -- Rob Pike, on X. 22132 22133Steve Jobs said two years ago that X is brain-damaged and it will be 22134gone in two years. He was half right. 22135 -- Dennis Ritchie 22136 22137Dennis Ritchie is twice as bright as Steve Jobs, and only half wrong. 22138 -- Jim Gettys 22139% 22140I have never understood this liking for war. It panders to instincts 22141already catered for within the scope of any respectable domestic 22142establishment. 22143 -- Alan Bennett 22144% 22145I have no doubt that it is a part of the destiny of the human race, 22146in its gradual improvement, to leave off eating animals. 22147 -- Thoreau 22148% 22149I have no doubt the Devil grins, 22150As seas of ink I spatter. 22151Ye gods, forgive my "literary" sins-- 22152The other kind don't matter. 22153 -- Robert W. Service 22154% 22155I have no right, by anything I do or say, to demean a human being in his 22156own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him; it is what he thinks 22157of himself. To undermine a man's self-respect is a sin. 22158 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery 22159% 22160I have not yet begun to byte! 22161% 22162I have nothing but utter contempt for the courts of this land. 22163 -- George Wallace 22164% 22165I have now come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying, 22166and for this reason: I can never be satisfied with anyone who would 22167be blockhead enough to have me. 22168 -- Abraham Lincoln 22169% 22170I have often looked at women and committed adultery in my heart. 22171 -- Jimmy Carter 22172% 22173I have often regretted my speech, never my silence. 22174 -- Publilius Syrus 22175% 22176I have sacrificed time, health, and fortune, in the desire to complete these 22177Calculating Engines. I have also declined several offers of great personal 22178advantage to myself. But, notwithstanding the sacrifice of these advantages 22179for the purpose of maturing an engine of almost intellectual power, and 22180after expending from my own private fortune a larger sum than the government 22181of England has spent on that machine, the execution of which it only 22182commenced, I have received neither an acknowledgement of my labors, not even 22183the offer of those honors or rewards which are allowed to fall within the 22184reach of men who devote themselves to purely scientific investigations... 22185 If the work upon which I have bestowed so much time and thought were 22186a mere triumph over mechanical difficulties, or simply curious, or if the 22187execution of such engines were of doubtful practicability or utility, some 22188justification might be found for the course which has been taken; but I 22189venture to assert that no mathematician who has a reputation to lose will 22190ever publicly express an opinion that such a machine would be useless if 22191made, and that no man distinguished as a civil engineer will venture to 22192declare the construction of such machinery impracticable... 22193 And at a period when the progress of physical science is obstructed 22194by that exhausting intellectual and manual labor, indispensable for its 22195advancement, which it is the object of the Analytical Engine to relieve, I 22196think the application of machinery in aid of the most complicated and abtruse 22197calculations can no longer be deemed unworthy of the attention of the country. 22198In fact, there is no reason why mental as well as bodily labor should not 22199be economized by the aid of machinery. 22200 -- Charles Babbage, "The Life of a Philosopher" 22201% 22202I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer. 22203 -- Kehlog Albran 22204% 22205I have seen the Great Pretender and he is not what he seems. 22206% 22207I have that old biological urge, 22208I have that old irresistible surge, 22209I'm hungry. 22210% 22211I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best. 22212 -- Oscar Wilde 22213% 22214I have to think hard to name an interesting man who does not drink. 22215 -- Richard Burton 22216% 22217I have travelled the length and breadth of this country, and have talked with 22218the best people in business administration. I can assure you on the highest 22219authority that data processing is a fad and won't last out the year. 22220 -- Editor in charge of business books at Prentice-Hall 22221 publishers, responding to Karl V. Karlstrom (a junior 22222 editor who had recommended a manuscript on the new 22223 science of data processing), c. 1957 22224% 22225I have ways of making money that you know nothing of. 22226 -- John D. Rockefeller 22227% 22228I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when 22229you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated. 22230 -- Poul Anderson 22231% 22232I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere. 22233% 22234I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it. 22235% 22236I hear the sound that the machines make, 22237and feel my heart break, just for a moment. 22238% 22239I hear what you're saying but I just don't care. 22240% 22241I heard a definition of an intellectual, that I thought was very 22242interesting: a man who takes more words than are necessary to tell 22243more than he knows. 22244 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower 22245% 22246I hold it, that a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing... 22247 -- Thomas Jefferson 22248% 22249I hold your hand in mine, dear, I press it to my lips, 22250I take a healthy bite from your dainty fingertips, 22251My joy would be complete, dear, if you were only here, 22252But still I keep your hand as a precious souvenir. 22253 22254The night you died I cut it off, I really don't know why, 22255For now each time I kiss it I get bloodstains on my tie, 22256I'm sorry now I killed you, our love was something fine, 22257So until they come to get me I will hold your hand in mine. 22258 22259 -- Tom Lehrer, "I Hold Your Hand In Mine" 22260% 22261I hope you're not pretending to be evil while 22262secretly being good. That would be dishonest. 22263% 22264I just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do? 22265 -- Raoul Duke 22266% 22267I just ate a whole package of Sweet Tarts and a can of Coke. 22268I think I saw God. 22269 -- B. Hathrume Duk 22270% 22271I just got off the phone with Sonny Barger [President of the Hell's Angels]. 22272He wants me to appear as a character witness for him at his murder trial 22273and said he'd be glad to appear as a character witness on my behalf if I 22274ever needed one. Needless to say, I readily agreed. 22275 -- Thomas King Forcade, publisher of "High Times" 22276% 22277I just got out of the hospital after a 22278speed reading accident. I hit a bookmark. 22279 -- S. Wright 22280% 22281I just know I'm a better manager when I have Joe DiMaggio in center field. 22282 -- Casey Stengel 22283% 22284I just need enough to tide me over until I need more. 22285 -- Bill Hoest 22286% 22287"I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." 22288"Did you ever see a doctor?" 22289"No, just spots." 22290% 22291I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day. 22292I haven't had time for tobacco since. 22293 -- Arturo Toscanini 22294% 22295I knew her before she was a virgin. 22296 -- Oscar Levant, on Doris Day 22297% 22298I *knew* I had some reason for not logging you off... 22299If I could just remember what it was. 22300% 22301I knew one thing: as soon as anyone said you didn't need a gun, you'd better 22302take one along that worked. 22303 -- Raymond Chandler 22304% 22305I know if you been talkin' you done said 22306just how suprised you wuz by the living dead. 22307You wuz suprised that they could understand you words 22308and never respond once to all the truth they heard. 22309But don't you get square! 22310There ain't no rule that says they got to care. 22311They can always swear they're deaf, dumb and blind. 22312% 22313I know not how I came into this, 22314shall I call it a dying life or a living death? 22315 -- St. Augustine 22316% 22317I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but 22318World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. 22319 -- Albert Einstein 22320% 22321I know on which side my bread is buttered. 22322 -- John Heywood 22323% 22324I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! 22325The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building. 22326 -- Charles Schulz 22327% 22328I know the disposition of women: when you will, they won't; when 22329you won't, they set their hearts upon you of their own inclination. 22330 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) 22331% 22332I know what "custody" [of the children] means. "Get even." That's all 22333custody means. Get even with your old lady. 22334 -- Lenny Bruce 22335% 22336"I know what you're thinking -- `Did he fire six shots or only five?' 22337Well, to tell you the truth, in all the excitement, I kind of lost track 22338myself. But being this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the 22339world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself 22340one question: `Do I feel lucky?' Well, do you, punk?" 22341 -- Harry Callahan, badge #2211 22342% 22343I know you believe you understand what you think this fortune says, 22344but I'm not sure you realize that what you are reading is not what 22345it means. 22346% 22347I know you think you thought you knew what you thought I said, 22348but I'm not sure you understood what you thought I meant. 22349% 22350I know you're in search of yourself, I just haven't seen you anywhere. 22351% 22352I lately lost a preposition; 22353It hid, I thought, beneath my chair 22354And angrily I cried, "Perdition! 22355Up from out of under there." 22356 22357Correctness is my vade mecum, 22358And straggling phrases I abhor, 22359And yet I wondered, "What should he come 22360Up from out of under for?" 22361 -- Morris Bishop 22362% 22363I lay my head on the railroad tracks, 22364Waitin' for the double E. 22365The railroad don't run no more. 22366Poor poor pitiful me. [chorus] 22367 Poor poor pitiful me, poor poor pitiful me. 22368 These young girls won't let me be, 22369 Lord have mercy on me! 22370 Woe is me! 22371 22372Well, I met a girl, West Hollywood, 22373Well, I ain't naming names. 22374But she really worked me over good, 22375She was just like Jesse James. 22376She really worked me over good, 22377She was a credit to her gender. 22378She put me through some changes, boy, 22379Sort of like a Waring blender. [chorus] 22380 22381I met a girl at the Rainbow Bar, 22382She asked me if I'd beat her. 22383She took me back to the Hyatt House, 22384I don't want to talk about it. [chorus] 22385 -- Warren Zevon, "Poor Poor Pitiful Me" 22386% 22387I learned to play guitar just to get the girls, and anyone who says they 22388didn't is just lyin'! 22389 -- Willie Nelson 22390% 22391I like being single. I'm always there when I need me. 22392 -- Art Leo 22393% 22394I like myself, but I won't say I'm as handsome as the bull 22395that kidnapped Europa. 22396 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero 22397% 22398I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to 22399promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want 22400peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of 22401the way and let them have it. 22402 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower 22403% 22404I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours. 22405% 22406I like young girls. Their stories are shorter. 22407 -- Tom McGuane 22408% 22409I like your game but we have to change the rules. 22410% 22411I live the way I type; fast, with a lot of mistakes. 22412% 22413I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts 22414to bite people themselves. 22415 -- August Strindberg 22416% 22417I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. 22418I may not get there, but I'm going first class. 22419 -- Art Buchwald 22420% 22421I love being married. It's so great to find that one special 22422person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. 22423 -- Rita Rudner 22424% 22425I love children. Especially when they cry -- for then 22426someone takes them away. 22427 -- Nancy Mitford 22428% 22429I love dogs, but I hate Chihuahuas. A Chihuahua isn't a dog. 22430It's a rat with a thyroid problem. 22431% 22432I love mankind ... It's people I hate. 22433 -- Schulz 22434% 22435I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I've ever known. 22436 -- Walt Disney 22437% 22438I love the smell of napalm in the morning. 22439 -- Robert Duval, "Apocalypse Now" 22440% 22441I love treason but hate a traitor. 22442 -- Gaius Julius Caesar 22443% 22444I love you more than anything in this world. I don't expect that will last. 22445 -- Elvis Costello 22446% 22447I love you, not only for what you are, 22448but for what I am when I am with you. 22449 -- Roy Croft 22450% 22451I loved her with a love thirsty and desperate. I felt that we two might 22452commit some act so atrocious that the world, seeing us, would find it 22453irresistable. 22454 -- Gene Wolfe, "The Shadow of the Torturer" 22455% 22456I married beneath me. All women do. 22457 -- Lady Nancy Astor 22458% 22459I may be getting older, but I refuse to grow up! 22460% 22461I may kid around about drugs, but really, I take them seriously. 22462 -- Doctor Graper 22463% 22464I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent. 22465 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 22466% 22467I met a wonderful new man. He's fictional, but you can't have everything. 22468 -- Cecelia, "The Purple Rose of Cairo" 22469% 22470I met my latest girl friend in a department store. She was looking at 22471clothes, and I was putting Slinkys on the escalators. 22472 -- Steven Wright 22473% 22474I might have gone to West Point, but I was too proud to speak to a 22475congressman. 22476 -- Will Rogers 22477% 22478I must Create a System, or be enslav'd by another Man's; 22479I will not Reason and Compare; my business is to Create. 22480 -- William Blake, "Jerusalem" 22481% 22482I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini. 22483 -- Alexander Woolcott 22484% 22485I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a 22486week sometimes to make it up. 22487 -- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad" 22488% 22489I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts! 22490% 22491I must have slipped a disk; my pack hurts. 22492% 22493I myself have dreamed up a structure intermediate between Dyson spheres 22494and planets. Build a ring 93 million miles in radius -- one Earth orbit 22495-- around the sun. If we have the mass of Jupiter to work with, and if 22496we make it a thousand miles wide, we get a thickness of about a thousand 22497feet for the base. 22498 22499And it has advantages. The Ringworld will be much sturdier than a Dyson 22500sphere. We can spin it on its axis for gravity. A rotation speed of 770 22501m/s will give us a gravity of one Earth normal. We wouldn't even need to 22502roof it over. Place walls one thousand miles high at each edge, facing the 22503sun. Very little air will leak over the edges. 22504 22505Lord knows the thing is roomy enough. With three million times the surface 22506area of the Earth, it will be some time before anyone complains of the 22507crowding. 22508 -- Larry Niven, "Ringworld" 22509% 22510I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head. 22511 -- Fratianno 22512% 22513I needed the good will of the legislature of four states. I formed the 22514legislative bodies with my own money. I found that it was cheaper that 22515way. 22516 -- Jay Gould 22517% 22518I never cheated an honest man, only rascals. They wanted 22519something for nothing. I gave them nothing for something. 22520 -- Joseph "Yellow Kid" Weil 22521% 22522I never deny, I never contradict. I sometimes forget. 22523 -- Benjamin Disraeli, British PM, on dealing with the 22524 Royal Family 22525% 22526I never did it that way before. 22527% 22528I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the 22529places they do today. 22530 -- Will Rogers 22531% 22532I never failed to convince an audience that the best thing they 22533could do was to go away. 22534% 22535I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception. 22536 -- Groucho Marx 22537% 22538I never killed a man that didn't deserve it. 22539 -- Mickey Cohen 22540% 22541I never loved another person the way I loved myself. 22542 -- Mae West 22543% 22544I never made a mistake in my life. 22545I thought I did once, but I was wrong. 22546 -- Lucy Van Pelt 22547% 22548I never met a man I didn't want to fight. 22549 -- Lyle Alzado, professional footbal lineman 22550% 22551I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like. 22552% 22553I never pray before meals -- my mom's a good cook. 22554% 22555I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers; 22556what I said was all saloonkeepers were Democrats. 22557% 22558I never saw a purple cow 22559I never hope to see one 22560But I can tell you anyhow 22561I'd rather see than be one. 22562 -- Gellett Burgess 22563 22564I've never seen a purple cow 22565I never hope to see one 22566But from the milk we're getting now 22567There certainly must be one 22568 -- Odgen Nash 22569 22570Ah, yes, I wrote "The Purple Cow" 22571I'm sorry now I wrote it 22572But I can tell you anyhow 22573I'll kill you if you quote it. 22574 -- Gellett Burgess, many years later 22575% 22576I never take work home with me; I always leave it in some bar along the way. 22577% 22578I never vote for anyone. I always vote against. 22579 -- W.C. Fields 22580% 22581I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation. 22582 -- G.B. Shaw 22583% 22584I only know what I read in the papers. 22585 -- Will Rogers 22586% 22587I opened the drawer of my little desk and a single letter fell out, a 22588letter from my mother, written in pencil, one of her last, with unfinished 22589words and an implicit sense of her departure. It's so curious: one can 22590resist tears and "behave" very well in the hardest hours of grief. But 22591then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window... or one notices 22592that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed... or 22593a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses. 22594 -- Letters From Colette 22595% 22596I owe, I owe, 22597It's off to work I go... 22598% 22599I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a 22600toilet seat. 22601 -- Michael McShane 22602% 22603I owe the public nothing. 22604 -- J.P. Morgan 22605% 22606I own my own body, but I share. 22607% 22608I place economy among the first and most important virtues, and public debt as 22609the greatest of dangers to be feared. To preserve our independence, we must 22610not let our rulers load us with perpetual debt. If we run into such debts, we 22611must be taxed in our meat and drink, in our necessities and in our comforts, 22612in our labor and in our amusements. If we can prevent the government from 22613wasting the labor of the people, under the pretense of caring for them, they 22614will be happy. 22615 -- Thomas Jefferson 22616% 22617I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the kind 22618of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled substances 22619being in widespread use. Back then, there were no restrictions, in terms 22620of talent, on who could make an album, so we made one, and it sounds like 22621a group of people who have been given powerful but unfamiliar instruments 22622as a therapy for a degenerative nerve disease. 22623 -- Dave Barry 22624% 22625I pledge allegiance to the flag 22626of the United States of America 22627and to the republic for which it stands, 22628one nation, 22629indivisible, 22630with liberty 22631and justice for all. 22632 -- Francis Bellamy, 1892 22633% 22634I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. 22635 -- S. Wright 22636% 22637I prefer rogues to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest. 22638 -- Alexandre Dumas the Younger 22639% 22640I prefer the most unjust peace to the most righteous war. 22641 -- Cicero 22642 22643Even peace may be purchased at too high a price. 22644 -- Poor Richard 22645% 22646I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob. 22647 -- William F. Buckley 22648% 22649I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats 22650on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. 22651 -- Stephen Wright 22652% 22653I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time. 22654 -- Steven Wright 22655% 22656I put instant coffee in a microwave, and almost went back in time. 22657 -- Stephen Wright 22658% 22659I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time. 22660 -- Stephen Wright 22661% 22662I put the shotgun in an Adidas bag and padded it out with four pairs of 22663tennis socks, not my style at all, but that was what I was aiming for: If 22664they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical, go 22665crude. I'm a very technical boy. So I decided to get as crude as possible. 22666These days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even 22667aspire to crudeness. 22668 -- William Gibson, "Johnny Mnemonic" 22669% 22670I put up my thumb... and it blotted out the planet Earth. 22671 -- Neil Armstrong 22672% 22673I quite agree with you, said the Duchess; and the moral of that is -- 'Be 22674what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put more simply -- 'Never 22675imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others 22676that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had 22677been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.' 22678% 22679I read a column by George Will that Scarface should be rated X because 22680parents were taking their children to see it. So what? Why should the 22681motion-picture industry be responsible for our morality? 22682 Dad says to Mom, "Honey, Scarface is in town." 22683 "What's it about?" 22684 "Human scum who kill each other over cocaine deals." 22685 "Sounds great! Let's take the kids!" 22686 -- Ian Shoales 22687% 22688I read Playboy for the same reason I read National Geographic. 22689To see the sights I'm never going to visit. 22690% 22691I read the newspaper avidly. It is my one form of continuous fiction. 22692 -- Aneurin Bevan 22693% 22694I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as 22695Martina Navratilova who can run like deer and bench-press Chevrolet 22696trucks. But to be brutally frank, women as a group have a long way to 22697go before they reach the level of intensity and dedication to sports 22698that enables men to be such incredible jerks about it. 22699 -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" 22700% 22701I really had to act; 'cause I didn't have any lines. 22702 -- Marilyn Chambers 22703% 22704I really hate this damned machine 22705I wish that they would sell it. 22706It never does quite what I want 22707But only what I tell it. 22708% 22709I really look with commiseration over the great body of my fellow citizens 22710who, reading newspapers, live and die in the belief that they have known 22711something of what has been passing in their time. 22712 -- H. Truman 22713% 22714I recently moved into a new apartment, and there was this switch on the 22715wall that didn't do anything... so anytime I had nothing to do, I'd just 22716flick that switch up and down... up and down... up and down... 22717Then one day I got a letter from a woman in Germany... it just said 22718"Cut it out." 22719 -- Stephen Wright 22720% 22721I recognize terror as the finest emotion and so I will try to terrorize the 22722reader. But if I find that I cannot terrify, I will try to horrify, and if 22723I find that I cannot horrify, I'll go for the gross-out. 22724 -- Stephen King 22725% 22726I refuse to consign the whole male sex to the nursery. I insist on 22727believing that some men are my equals. 22728 -- Brigid Brophy 22729% 22730I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person. 22731% 22732I remember once being on a station platform in Cleveland at four in the 22733morning. A black porter was carrying my bags, and as we were waiting for 22734the train to come in, he said to me: "Excuse me, Mr. Cooke, I don't want to 22735invade your privacy, but I have a bet with a friend of mine. Who composed 22736the opening theme music of 'Omnibus'? My friend said Virgil Thomson." I 22737asked him, "What do you say?" He replied, "I say Aaron Copeland." I said, 22738"You're right." The porter said, "I knew Thomson doesn't write counterpoint 22739that way." I told that to a network president, and he was deeply unimpressed. 22740 -- Alistair Cooke 22741% 22742I remember Ulysses well... Left one day for the post office 22743to mail a letter, met a blonde named Circe on the streetcar, 22744and didn't come back for 20 years. 22745% 22746I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some 22747kind of loophole. 22748 -- Leo Kessler 22749% 22750I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it 22751looks like I'm the only one moving. 22752 -- Steven Wright 22753% 22754I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education. 22755 -- Wilson Mizner 22756% 22757I respect the institution of marriage. I have always thought that every 22758woman should marry -- and no man. 22759 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Lothair" 22760% 22761I reverently believe that the maker who made us all makes everything in New 22762England, but the weather. I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be 22763raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in 22764New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted to make weather for 22765countries that require a good article, and will take their custom elsewhere 22766if they don't get it. 22767 -- Mark Twain 22768% 22769"I said, "Preacher, give me strength for round 5." 22770He said,"What you need is to grow up, son." 22771I said,"Growin' up leads to growin' old, 22772And then to dying, and to me that don't sound like much fun." 22773 -- John Cougar, "The Authority Song" 22774% 22775I sat down beside her, said hello, offered to buy her a drink... 22776and then natural selection reared its ugly head. 22777% 22778I saw a man pursuing the Horizon, 22779'Round and round they sped. 22780I was disturbed at this, 22781I accosted the man, 22782"It is futile," I said. 22783"You can never--" 22784"You lie!" He cried, 22785and ran on. 22786 -- Stephen Crane 22787% 22788I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. 22789 -- Stephen Wright 22790% 22791I saw Lassie. It took me four shows to figure out why the hairy kid 22792never spoke. I mean, he could roll over and all that, but did that 22793deserve a series?" 22794% 22795I saw what you did and I know who you are. 22796% 22797I see a bad moon rising. 22798I see trouble on the way. 22799I see earthquakes and lightnin' 22800I see bad times today. 22801Don't go 'round tonight, 22802It's bound to take your life. 22803There's a bad moon on the rise. 22804 -- J. C. Fogerty, "Bad Moon Rising" 22805% 22806I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope 22807they do get 'em lowered down enough so people can afford to pay 'em. 22808 -- The Best of Will Rogers 22809% 22810I see where we are starting to pay some attention to our neigbors to 22811the south. We could never understand why Mexico wasn't just crazy about 22812us; for we have always had their good will, and oil and minerals, at heart. 22813 -- The Best of Will Rogers 22814% 22815I sent a letter to the fish, I said it very loud and clear, 22816I told them, "This is what I wish." I went and shouted in his ear. 22817The little fishes of the sea, But he was very stiff and proud, 22818They sent an answer back to me. He said "You needn't shout so loud." 22819The little fishes' answer was And he was very proud and stiff, 22820"We cannot do it, sir, because..." He said "I'll go and wake them if..." 22821I sent a letter back to say I took a kettle from the shelf, 22822It would be better to obey. I went to wake them up myself. 22823But someone came to me and said But when I found the door was locked 22824"The little fishes are in bed." I pulled and pushed and kicked and 22825 knocked, 22826I said to him, and I said it plain And when I found the door was shut, 22827"Then you must wake them up again." I tried to turn the handle, But... 22828 22829 "Is that all?" asked Alice. 22830 "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye." 22831% 22832I sent a message to another time, 22833But as the days unwind -- this I just can't believe, 22834I sent a message to another plane, 22835Maybe it's all a game -- but this I just can't conceive. 22836... 22837I met someone who looks at lot like you, 22838She does the things you do, but she is an IBM. 22839She's only programmed to be very nice, 22840But she's as cold as ice, whenever I get too near, 22841She tells me that she likes me very much, 22842But when I try to touch, she makes it all too clear. 22843... 22844I realize that it must seem so strange, 22845That time has rearranged, but time has the final word, 22846She knows I think of you, she reads my mind, 22847She tries to be unkind, she knows nothing of our world. 22848 -- ELO, "Yours Truly, 2095" 22849% 22850I shall come to you in the night and we shall see who is stronger -- 22851a little girl who won't eat her dinner or a great big man with cocaine 22852in his veins. 22853 -- Sigmund Freud, in a letter to his fiancee 22854% 22855I shall give a propagandist reason for starting the war, no matter whether 22856it is plausible or not. The victor will not be asked afterwards whether 22857he told the truth or not. When starting and waging war it is not right 22858that matters, but victory. 22859 -- Adolph Hitler 22860% 22861I shot an arrow in to the air, and it stuck. 22862 -- graffito in Los Angeles 22863 22864On a clear day, 22865U.C.L.A. 22866 -- graffito in San Francisco 22867 22868There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our 22869lungs there'd be no place to put it all. 22870 -- Robert Orben 22871% 22872I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck. 22873 -- Los Angeles graffito 22874% 22875I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than 22876most western countries. 22877 -- George Burns 22878% 22879I smell a wumpus. 22880% 22881I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker 22882Brothers -- they're going to make a game out of it. 22883 -- Woody Allen 22884% 22885I sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his 22886ability. 22887 -- Oscar Wilde 22888% 22889I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. 22890 -- Stephen Wright 22891% 22892I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone. 22893 -- Stephen Wright 22894% 22895I steal. 22896 -- Sam Giancana, explaining his livelihood to his draft board 22897 22898Easy. I own Chicago. I own Miami. I own Las Vegas. 22899 -- Sam Giancana, when asked what he did for a living 22900% 22901I stick my neck out for nobody. 22902 -- Humphrey Bogart, "Casablanca" 22903% 22904I stood on the leading edge, 22905The eastern seaboard at my feet. 22906"Jump!" said Yoko Ono 22907I'm too scared and good-looking, I cried. 22908Go on and give it a try, 22909Why prolong the agony, all men must die. 22910 -- Roger Waters, "The Pros and Cons of Hitchhiking" 22911% 22912I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to 22913see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. 22914 -- Shirley Temple 22915% 22916I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a 22917department store, and he asked for my autograph. 22918 -- Shirley Temple 22919% 22920I suggest a new strategy, Artoo: let the Wookiee win. 22921 -- CP30 22922% 22923I suppose I could collect my books and get on back to school, 22924Or steal my daddy's cue and make a living out of playing pool, 22925Or find myself a rock 'n' roll band, 22926That needs a helping hand, 22927Oh, Maggie I wish I'd never seen your face. 22928 -- Rod Stewart, "Maggie May" 22929% 22930I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the 22931country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which 22932I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving 22933are worth considering, to wit: 22934 22935[110.13]: 22936 "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not 22937 to interfere with oncoming traffic." 22938 22939[22.17b]: 22940 "Learning to change lanes takes time and patience. The best 22941 recommendation that can be made is to go to a Celtics [basketball] 22942 game; study the fast break and then go out and practice it 22943 on the highway." 22944 22945[41.16]: 22946 "Never bump a baby carriage out of a crosswalk unless the kid's really 22947 asking for it." 22948% 22949I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the 22950country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which 22951I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving 22952are worth considering, to wit: 22953 22954[131.16d]: 22955 "Directional signals are generally not used except during vehicle 22956 inspection; however, a left-turn signal is appropriate when making 22957 a U-turn on a divided highway." 22958 22959[96.7b]: 22960 "When paying tolls, remember that it is necessary to release the 22961 quarter a full 3 seconds before passing the basket if you are 22962 traveling more than 60 MPH." 22963 22964[110.13]: 22965 "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not 22966 to interfere with oncoming traffic." 22967% 22968I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the 22969country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which 22970I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving 22971are worth considering, to wit: 22972 22973[173.15b]: 22974 "When competing for a section of road or a parking space, remember 22975 that the vehicle in need of the most body work has the right-of-way." 22976 22977[141.2a]: 22978 "Although it is altogether possible to fit a 6' car into a 6' 22979 parking space, it is hardly ever possible to fit a 6' car into 22980 a 5' parking space." 22981 22982[105.31]: 22983 "Teenage drivers believe that they are immortal, and drive accordingly. 22984 Nevertheless, you should avoid the temptation to prove them wrong." 22985% 22986I suppose that in a few hours I will sober up. That's such a sad 22987thought. I think I'll have a few more drinks to prepare myself. 22988% 22989"I suppose you expect me to talk." 22990"No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die." 22991 -- Goldfinger 22992% 22993I tell them to turn to the study of mathematics, for it 22994is only there that they might escape the lusts of the flesh. 22995 -- Thomas Mann, "The Magic Mountain" 22996% 22997I tell ya, drugs never worked out for me. The first time I tried smoking 22998pot I didn't know what I was doing. I smoked half the joint, got the 22999munchies, and ate the other half. 23000 23001Well, the first time I tried coke I was so embarrassed. I kept getting the 23002bottle stuck up my nose. 23003 -- Rodney Dangerfield 23004% 23005I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track 23006and they shot my horse with the opening gun. 23007 23008Well, just last week I was at a Chinese restaurant and when I opened my 23009fortune cookie I found the guy's check sitting at the next table. I said, 23010"Hey, buddy, I got your check", he said, "Thanks." 23011 -- Rodney Dangerfield 23012% 23013I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt 23014the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, 23015I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom. 23016 -- Rodney Dangerfield 23017% 23018I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad 23019kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought. 23020 -- Rodney Dangerfield 23021% 23022I think... I think it's in my basement... Let me go upstairs and check. 23023 -- Escher 23024% 23025I think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward 23026or it dies. Well, what we have on our hands here is a dead shark. 23027 -- Woody Allen 23028% 23029I think all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of 23030being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being 23031sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm sick and tired of being told 23032that I am! 23033 -- Monty Python 23034% 23035"I think he said 'Blessed are the cheesemakers.'" 23036"Nonsense, he was obviously referring to all manafacturers of dairy products." 23037 -- The Life of Brian 23038% 23039I think I'll snatch a kiss and flee. 23040 -- Shakespeare 23041% 23042I think I'm schizophrenic. One half of me's 23043paranoid and the other half's out to get him. 23044% 23045I THINK MAN INVENTED THE CAR by instinct. 23046 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 23047% 23048I think she must have been very strictly brought up, she's so 23049desperately anxious to do the wrong thing correctly. 23050 -- Saki, "Reginald on Worries" 23051% 23052I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability. 23053 -- Oscar Wilde 23054% 23055I think that I shall never hear 23056A poem lovelier than beer. 23057The stuff that Joe's Bar has on tap, 23058With golden base and snowy cap. 23059The stuff that I can drink all day 23060Until my mem'ry melts away. 23061Poems are made by fools, I fear 23062But only Schlitz can make a beer. 23063% 23064I think that I shall never see 23065A billboard lovely as a tree. 23066Indeed, unless the billboards fall 23067I'll never see a tree at all. 23068 -- Nash 23069% 23070I think that I shall never see 23071A thing as lovely as a tree. 23072But as you see the trees have gone 23073They went this morning with the dawn. 23074A logging firm from out of town 23075Came and chopped the trees all down. 23076But I will trick those dirty skunks 23077And write a brand new poem called 'Trunks'. 23078% 23079I think the world is ready for the story of an ugly duckling, who grew up to 23080remain an ugly duckling, and lived happily ever after. 23081 -- Chick 23082% 23083I think the world is run by C students. 23084 -- Al McGuire 23085% 23086I THINK THERE SHOULD BE SOMETHING in science called the "reindeer effect." 23087I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone 23088say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer 23089effect." 23090 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 23091% 23092I think, therefore I am... I think. 23093% 23094I think there's a world market for about five computers. 23095 -- attr. Thomas J. Watson (Chairman of the Board, IBM), 1943 23096% 23097I THINK THEY SHOULD CONTINUE the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for 23098paneling. 23099 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 23100% 23101I think we are in Rats Alley where the dead men lost their bones. 23102 -- T.S. Eliot 23103% 23104I think we're all Bozos on this bus. 23105 -- Firesign Theatre 23106% 23107I think we're in trouble. 23108 -- Han Solo 23109% 23110I think your opinions are reasonable, 23111except for the one about my mental instability. 23112 -- Psychology Professor, Farifield University 23113% 23114"I thought that you said you were 20 years old!" 23115"As a programmer, yes," she replied, 23116"And you claimed to be very near two meters tall!" 23117"You said you were blonde, but you lied!" 23118Oh, she was a hacker and he was one, too, 23119They had so much in common, you'd say. 23120They exchanged jokes and poems, and clever new hacks, 23121And prompts that were cute or risque'. 23122He sent her a picture of his brother Sam, 23123She sent one from some past high school day, 23124And it might have gone on for the rest of their lives, 23125If they hadn't met in L.A. 23126"Your beard is an armpit," she said in disgust. 23127He answered, "Your armpit's a beard!" 23128And they chorused: "I think I could stand all the rest 23129If you were not so totally weird!" 23130If she had not said what he wanted to hear, 23131And he had not done just the same, 23132They'd have been far more honest, and never have met, 23133And would not have had fun with the game. 23134 -- Judith Schrier, "Face to Face After Six Months of 23135 Electronic Mail" 23136% 23137I thought there was something fishy about the butler. Probably a Pisces, 23138working for scale. 23139 -- Firesign Theatre, "The Further Adventures of Nick Danger" 23140% 23141I thought YOU silenced the guard! 23142% 23143I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." 23144One of them said, "So will you." 23145 -- Rodney Dangerfield 23146% 23147I took a course in speed reading, learning to read straight down the middle 23148of the page, and I was able to go through "War and Peace" in twenty minutes. 23149It's about Russia. 23150 -- Woody Allen 23151% 23152I treasure this strange combination found in very few persons: a fierce 23153desire for life as well as a lucid perception of the ultimate futility of 23154the quest. 23155 -- Madeleine Gobeil 23156% 23157I truly wish I could be a great surgeon or philosopher or author or anything 23158constructive, but in all honesty I'd rather turn up my amplifier full blast 23159and drown myself in the noise. 23160 -- Charles Schmid, the "Tucson Murderer" 23161% 23162I trust the first lion he meets will do his duty. 23163 -- J.P. Morgan on Teddy Roosevelt's safari 23164% 23165I try not to break the rules but merely to test their elasticity. 23166 -- Bill Veeck 23167% 23168I try to keep an open mind, but not so open that my brains fall out. 23169 -- Judge Harold T. Stone 23170% 23171I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. 23172The weatherman said "I don't understand it. I was supposed to be 80 23173degrees today," and I said "Oops." 23174 23175In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so 23176I never have to go upstairs. 23177 23178I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in 23179front of it in only eight minutes. 23180 -- Stephen Wright 23181% 23182I understand why you're confused. You're thinking too much. 23183 -- Carole Wallach. 23184% 23185I use not only all the brains I have, but all those I can borrow as well. 23186 -- Woodrow Wilson 23187% 23188I use technology in order to hate it more properly. 23189 -- Nam June Paik 23190% 23191I used to be a rebel in my youth. 23192This cause... that cause... (chuckle) I backed 'em ALL! But I learned. 23193Rebellion is simply a device used by the immature to hide from his own 23194problems. So I lost interest in politics. Now when I feel aroused by 23195a civil rights case or a passport hearing... I realize it's just a device. 23196I go to my analyst and we work it out. You have no idea how much better 23197I feel these days. 23198 -- J. Feiffer 23199% 23200I used to be disgusted, now I find I'm just amused. 23201 -- Elvis Costello 23202% 23203I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. 23204 -- Mae West 23205% 23206I used to be such a sweet sweet thing, 'til they got a hold of me, 23207I opened doors for little old ladies, I helped the blind to see, 23208I got no friends 'cause they read the papers, they can't be seen, 23209With me, and I'm feelin' real shot down, 23210And I'm, uh, feelin' mean, 23211 No more, Mr. Nice Guy, 23212 No more, Mr. Clean, 23213 No more, Mr. Nice Guy, 23214They say "He's sick, he's obscene". 23215 23216My dog bit me on the leg today, my cat clawed my eyes, 23217Ma's been thrown out of the social circle, and Dad has to hide, 23218I went to church, incognito, when everybody rose, 23219The reverend Smithy, he recognized me, 23220And punched me in the nose, he said, 23221(chorus) 23222He said "You're sick, you're obscene". 23223 -- Alice Cooper, "No More Mr. Nice Guy" 23224% 23225I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance. 23226% 23227I used to have a drinking problem. 23228Now I love the stuff. 23229% 23230I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went anywhere, I had 23231to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway. 23232 23233I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks 23234like I'm the only one moving. 23235 23236I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know 23237the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" And I said, "Yes, but I wasn't going 23238to be out that long." 23239 23240I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the ond one out. Now 23241my car goes 500 miles an hour. 23242 -- Stephen Wright 23243% 23244I used to think I was a child; now I think I am an adult -- not because 23245I no longer do childish things, but because those I call adults are no 23246more mature than I am. 23247% 23248I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure. 23249% 23250I used to think romantic love was a neurosis shared by two, a supreme 23251foolishness. I no longer thought that. There's nothing foolish in 23252loving anyone. Thinking you'll be loved in return is what's foolish. 23253 -- Rita Mae Brown 23254% 23255I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in 23256my body. Then I realized who was telling me this. 23257 -- Emo Phillips 23258% 23259I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near 23260the place. 23261 -- Steven Wright 23262% 23263I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere 23264near the place. 23265 -- Steven Wright 23266% 23267I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I 23268don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected 23269with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, 23270the food cheaper, and old men and womem warmer in the winter, and happier 23271in the summer. 23272 -- Brendan Behan 23273% 23274I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I 23275don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected 23276with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, 23277the food cheaper, and old men and women warmer in the winter, and happier 23278in the summer. 23279 -- Brendan Behan 23280% 23281I waited and waited and when no message came I knew it must be from you. 23282% 23283I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law. 23284 -- Martin Luther King, Jr. 23285% 23286I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch "St. 23287Elsewhere", won't scream, "Forget it, Blanche... It's time for Hee-Haw!" 23288% 23289I want to kill everyone here with a cute colorful Hydrogen Bomb!! 23290 -- Zippy the Pinhead 23291% 23292I want to marry a girl just like the girl that married dear old dad. 23293 -- Freud 23294% 23295I want to reach your mind -- where is it currently located? 23296% 23297I was appalled by this story of the destruction of a member of a valued 23298endangered species. It's all very well to celebrate the practicality of 23299pigs by ennobling the porcine sibling who constructed his home out of 23300bricks and mortar. But to wantonly destroy a wolf, even one with an 23301excessive taste for porkers, is unconscionable in these ecologically 23302critical times when both man and his domestic beasts continue to maraud 23303the earth. 23304 Sylvia Kamerman, "Book Reviewing" 23305% 23306I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I 23307ordered French Toast in the Rennaissance. 23308 -- Steven Wright 23309% 23310I was born in a barrel of butcher knives 23311Trouble I love and peace I despise 23312Wild horses kicked me in my side 23313Then a rattlesnake bit me and he walked off and died. 23314 -- Bo Diddley 23315% 23316I was eatin' some chop suey, 23317With a lady in St. Louie, 23318When there sudden comes a knockin' at the door. 23319And that knocker, he says, "Honey, 23320Roll this rocker out some money, 23321Or your daddy shoots a baddie to the floor." 23322 -- Mr. Miggle 23323% 23324I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. 23325I said I didn't know. 23326 -- Mark Twain 23327% 23328I was in a bar and I walked up to a beautiful woman and said, "Do you live 23329around here often?" She said, "You're wearing two different-color socks." 23330I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness." 23331She said, "How do you feel?" And I said, "You know when you're sitting on a 23332chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so 23333you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like 23334that all the time..." 23335 -- Steven Wright, "Gentlemen's Quarterly" 23336% 23337I was in a beauty contest one. I not only came in last, I was hit in 23338the mouth by Miss Congeniality. 23339 -- Phyllis Diller 23340% 23341I was in accord with the system so long as it 23342permitted me to function effectively. 23343 -- Albert Speer 23344% 23345I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all 23346these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these 23347kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and 23348I wasn't tempted to buy one but I was reminded of the fact that I had been 23349avoiding the beach. 23350 -- Lucinda Childs "Einstein On The Beach" 23351% 23352I was in Vegas last week. I was at the roulette table, having a 23353lengthy argument about what I considered an Odd number. 23354 -- Steven Wright 23355% 23356I was offered a job as a hoodlum and I turned it down cold. A thief is 23357anybody who gets out and works for his living, like robbing a bank or 23358breaking into a place and stealing stuff, or kidnapping somebody. He really 23359gives some effort to it. A hoodlum is a pretty lousy sort of scum. He 23360works for gangsters and bumps guys off when they have been put on the spot. 23361Why, after I'd made my rep, some of the Chicago Syndicate wanted me to work 23362for them as a hood -- you know, handling a machine gun. They offered me 23363two hundred and fifty dollars a week and all the protection I needed. I 23364was on the lam at the time and not able to work at my regular line. But 23365I wouldn't consider it. "I'm a thief," I said. "I'm no lousy hoodlum." 23366 -- Alvin Karpis, "Public Enemy Number One" 23367% 23368I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a 23369full house and four people died. 23370 -- Steven Wright 23371% 23372I was the best I ever had. 23373 -- Woody Allen 23374% 23375I was toilet-trained at gunpoint. 23376 -- Billy Braver 23377% 23378I was working on a case. It had to be a case, because I couldn't afford a 23379desk. Then I saw her. This tall blond lady. She must have been tall 23380because I was on the third floor. She rolled her deep blue eyes towards 23381me. I picked them up and rolled them back. We kissed. She screamed. I 23382took the cigarette from my mouth and kissed her again. 23383% 23384I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth. 23385 -- Chico Marx 23386% 23387I watch television because you don't know what it will do if you leave it 23388in the room alone. 23389% 23390I went home with a waitress, 23391The way I always do. 23392How I was I to know? 23393She was with the Russians too. 23394 23395I was gambling in Havana, 23396I took a little risk. 23397Send lawyers, guns, and money, 23398Dad, get me out of this. 23399 -- Warren Zevon, "Lawyers, Guns and Money" 23400% 23401I went into the business for the money, and the art grew out of it. 23402If people are disillusioned by that remark, I can't help it. 23403It's the truth. 23404 -- Charlie Chaplin 23405% 23406I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained it to 23407expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass stars, for 23408stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold. I ran it assuming 23409the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be absent -- not because I wanted 23410to know the answer, but because I had developed an intuitive feel for the 23411answer in this particular case. Finally I got a run in which the computer 23412showed the pulsar's temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found 23413an error. I chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the 23414program to the point where it would not run at all. 23415 -- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star: 23416 Of Pulsars, Black Holes and the Fate of Stars" 23417% 23418I went over to my friend, he was eatin' a pickle. 23419I said "Hi, what's happenin'?" 23420He said "Nothin'." 23421Try to sing this song with that kind of enthusiasm; 23422As if you just squashed a cop. 23423 -- Arlo Guthrie, "Motorcycle Song" 23424% 23425I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours. 23426Great song. 23427 -- Fred Reuss 23428% 23429I went to a place to eat. It said `BREAKFAST ANYTIME.' So I ordered 23430French toast during the Renaissance. 23431 -- Stephen Wright 23432% 23433I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." 23434So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. 23435 -- Steven Wright 23436% 23437I went to my first computer conference at the New York Hilton about 20 23438years ago. When somebody there predicted the market for microprocessors 23439would eventually be in the millions, someone else said, "Where are they 23440all going to go? It's not like you need a computer in every doorknob!" 23441 23442Years later, I went back to the same hotel. I noticed the room keys had 23443been replaced by electronic cards you slide into slots in the doors. 23444 23445There was a computer in every doorknob. 23446 -- Danny Hillis 23447% 23448I went to my mother and told her I intended to commence a different life. 23449I asked for and obtained her blessing and at once commenced the career 23450of a robber. 23451 -- Tiburcio Vasquez 23452% 23453I will always love the false image I had of you. 23454% 23455I will follow the good side right to the fire, 23456but not into it if I can help it. 23457 -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne 23458% 23459I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the 23460year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The 23461Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out 23462the lessons that they teach. Oh, tell me that I may sponge away the 23463writing on this stone! 23464 -- Charles Dickens 23465% 23466I will make you shorter by the head. 23467 -- Elizabeth I 23468% 23469I will never lie to you. 23470% 23471I will not be briefed or debriefed, my underwear is my own. 23472% 23473I will not drink! 23474But if I do... 23475I will not get drunk! 23476But if I do... 23477I will not in public! 23478But if I do... 23479I will not fall down! 23480But if I do... 23481I will fall face down so that they cannot see my company badge. 23482% 23483I will not forget you. 23484% 23485I will not play at tug o' war. 23486I'd rather play at hug o' war, 23487Where everyone hugs 23488Instead of tugs, 23489Where everyone giggles 23490And rolls on the rug, 23491Where everyone kisses, 23492And everyone grins, 23493And everyone cuddles, 23494And everyone wins. 23495 -- Shel Silverstein, "Hug O' War" 23496% 23497I will not say that women have no character; rather, they have a new 23498one every day. 23499 -- Heine 23500% 23501I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, 23502we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad. 23503 -- Jack Handey 23504% 23505I WISH I HAD A KRYPTONITE CROSS, because then you could keep both Dracula 23506and Superman away. 23507 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 23508% 23509I wish there was a knob on the TV where you could turn up the 23510intelligence. They've got one called brightness, but it doesn't 23511seem to work. 23512 -- Gallagher 23513% 23514I wish you humans would leave me alone. 23515% 23516I wish you were a Scotch on the rocks. 23517% 23518I woke up a feelin' mean 23519went down to play the slot machine 23520the wheels turned round, 23521and the letters read 23522"Better head back to Tennessee Jed" 23523 -- Grateful Dead 23524% 23525I woke up this morning and discovered that everything in my apartment 23526had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica. I told my roommate, 23527"Isn't this amazing? Everything in the apartment has been stolen and 23528replaced with an exact replica." He said, "Do I know you?" 23529 -- Steven Wright 23530% 23531"I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed. Oh, I 23532know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must 23533be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people 23534I don't know yet and all kinds of adventures and battles." 23535 -- Bastian B. Bux 23536% 23537I wonder what the leash and collar set does for excitement? 23538 -- Tramp, Lady and the Tramp 23539% 23540I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, 23541"If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?" 23542 -- Steven Wright 23543% 23544I would be batting the big feller if they wasn't ready with the other one, 23545but a left-hander would be the thing if they wouldn't have knowed it already 23546because there is more things involved than could come up on the road, even 23547after we've been home a long while. 23548 -- Casey Stengel 23549% 23550I would gladly raise my voice in praise of women, 23551only they won't let me raise my voice. 23552 -- Winkle 23553% 23554I would have made a good pope. 23555 -- Richard Nixon 23556% 23557I would have promised those terrorists a trip to Disneyland if it would have 23558gotten the hostages released. I thank God they were satisfied with the 23559missiles and we didn't have to go to that extreme. 23560 -- Oliver North 23561% 23562I would have you imagine, then, that there exists in the mind of man a block 23563of wax... and that we remember and know what is imprinted as long as the 23564image lasts; but when the image is effaced, or cannot be taken, then we 23565forget or do not know. 23566 -- Plato, Dialogs, Theateus 191 23567 23568 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 23569 referring to image activation and termination.] 23570% 23571I would like the government to do all it can to mitigate, then, in 23572understanding, in mutuality of interest, in concern for the common good, 23573our tasks will be solved. 23574 -- Warren G. Harding 23575% 23576I would like to electrocute everyone who uses the word 'fair' in connection 23577with income tax policies. 23578 -- William F. Buckley 23579% 23580I would like to know 23581What I was fencing in 23582And what I was fencing out. 23583 -- Robert Frost 23584% 23585I would like to suggest that you not use speed, and here's why: it is going 23586to mess up your heart, mess up your liver, your kidneys, rot out your mind. 23587In general this drug will make you just like your mother and father. 23588 -- Frank Zappa 23589% 23590I would much rather have men ask why 23591I have no statue, than why I have one. 23592 -- Marcus Procius Cato 23593% 23594I would not like to be a political leader in Russia. They never know when 23595they're being taped. 23596 -- Richard Nixon 23597 23598I love America. You always hurt the one you love. 23599 -- David Frye impersonating Nixon 23600% 23601I would rather be a serf in a poor man's house 23602and be above ground than reign among the dead. 23603 -- Achilles, "The Odessey", XI, 489-91 23604% 23605I would rather say that a desire to drive fast 23606sports cars is what sets man apart from the animals. 23607% 23608I wouldn't be so paranoid if you weren't all out to get me!! 23609% 23610I wouldn't marry her with a ten foot pole. 23611% 23612I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity 23613for everyone, but they've always worked for me. 23614 -- Hunter S. Thompson 23615% 23616I wrecked trains because I like to see people die. I like to hear 23617them scream. 23618 -- Sylvestre Matuschka, "the Hungarian Train Wreck Freak", 23619 escaped prison 1937, not heard from since 23620% 23621Iam 23622not 23623very 23624happy 23625acting 23626pleased 23627whenever 23628prominent 23629scientists 23630overmagnify 23631intellectual 23632enlightenment 23633% 23634IBM: 23635 [Internation Business Machines Corp.] Also known as Itty Bitty 23636 Machines or The Lawyer's Friend. The dominant force in computer 23637 marketing, having supplied worldwide some 75% of all known hardware 23638 and 10% of all software. To protect itself from the litigious envy 23639 of less successful organizations, such as the US government, IBM 23640 employs 68% of all known ex-Attorneys' General. 23641% 23642IBM: 23643 I've Been Moved 23644 Idiots Become Managers 23645 Idiots Buy More 23646 Impossible to Buy Machine 23647 Incredibly Big Machine 23648 Industry's Biggest Mistake 23649 International Brotherhood of Mercenaries 23650 It Boggles the Mind 23651 It's Better Manually 23652 Itty-Bitty Machines 23653% 23654IBM Advanced Systems Group -- a bunch of mindless jerks, 23655who'll be first against the wall when the revolution comes... 23656 -- with regrets to D. Adams 23657% 23658IBM had a PL/I, 23659Its syntax worse than JOSS; 23660And everywhere this language went, 23661It was a total loss. 23662% 23663IBM: It may be slow, but it's hard to use. 23664% 23665IBM Pollyanna Principle: 23666 Machines should work. People should think. 23667% 23668IBM's original motto: 23669 Cogito ergo vendo; vendo ergo sum. 23670% 23671I'd be a poorer man if I'd never seen an eagle fly. 23672 -- John Denver 23673 23674[I saw an eagle fly once. Fortunately, I had my eagle fly swatter handy. Ed.] 23675% 23676I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. 23677% 23678I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse. 23679 -- Groucho Marx 23680% 23681I'd just as soon kiss a Wookiee. 23682 -- Princess Leia Organa 23683% 23684I'D LIKE TO BE BURIED INDIAN-STYLE, where they put you up on a high rack, 23685above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even 23686feel it. 23687 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 23688% 23689I'd like to meet the guy who invented beer and see what he's working on now. 23690% 23691I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the 23692whole field to private industry. 23693 -- Joseph Heller 23694% 23695I'd love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair. 23696 -- Bette Davis, "Cabin in the Cotton" 23697% 23698I'd never cry if I did find 23699 A blue whale in my soup... 23700Nor would I mind a porcupine 23701 Inside a chicken coop. 23702Yes life is fine when things combine, 23703 Like ham in beef chow mein... 23704But lord, this time I think I mind, 23705 They've put acid in my rain. 23706 --- Milo Bloom 23707% 23708I'd never join any club that would have the likes of me as a member. 23709 -- Groucho Marx 23710% 23711I'd probably settle for a vampire if he were romantic enough. 23712Couldn't be any worse than some of the relationships I've had. 23713 -- Brenda Starr 23714% 23715I'd rather be led to hell than managed to heavan. 23716% 23717I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy. 23718 -- Fred Allen 23719 23720[Also attributed to S. Clay Wilson. Ed.] 23721% 23722I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42. 23723 -- W.C. Fields 23724% 23725I'd rather just believe that it's done by little elves running around. 23726% 23727I'd rather laugh with the sinners, 23728Than cry with the saints, 23729The sinners are much more fun! 23730 -- Billy Joel, "Only The Good Die Young" 23731% 23732I'd rather push my Harley than ride a rice burner. 23733% 23734Identify your visitor. 23735% 23736idiot box, n: 23737 The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place 23738 the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves. 23739 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 23740% 23741idiot box, n: 23742 The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the 23743 stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves. 23744 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 23745% 23746idiot, n: 23747 A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence 23748 in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. 23749% 23750IDLENESS: 23751 Leisure gone to seed. 23752% 23753Idleness is the holiday of fools. 23754% 23755If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law. 23756 -- Roy Santoro 23757% 23758If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus forecast 23759is a camel's behind. 23760 -- Edgar R. Fiedler 23761% 23762If a can of Alpo costs 38 cents, would it cost $2.50 in Dog Dollars? 23763% 23764If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing their hair. If this doesn't 23765work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child. 23766% 23767If A fool persists in his folly he shall become wise. 23768 -- William Blake 23769% 23770If a group of N persons implements a COBOL compiler, 23771there will be N-1 passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager. 23772 -- T. Cheatham 23773% 23774If a guru falls in the forest with no one to hear him, was he 23775really a guru at all? 23776 -- Strange de Jim, "The Metasexuals" 23777% 23778If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it 23779is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty. 23780 -- Joseph C. Goulden 23781% 23782IF A KID ASKS YOU where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him 23783is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing 23784to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did." 23785 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 23786% 23787If a listener nods his head when you're 23788explaining your program, wake him up. 23789% 23790If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism. 23791 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 23792% 23793If a man has talent and cannot use it, he has failed. 23794 -- Thomas Wolfe 23795% 23796If a man is not a liberal at 25, he has no heart. 23797If he's not a conservative by 45, he has no brain. 23798% 23799If a man loses his reverence for any part of life, 23800he will lose his reverence for all of life. 23801 -- Albert Schweitzer 23802% 23803If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the 23804separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, 23805it might well prolong his life. 23806 -- Charles Darling, "Scintillae Juris, 1877 23807% 23808If a nation expects to be ignorant and free, 23809... it expects what never was and never will be. 23810 -- Thomas Jefferson 23811% 23812If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom; 23813and the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money it values more, it 23814will lose that, too. 23815 -- W. Somerset Maugham 23816% 23817If a person (a) is poorly, (b) receives treatment intended to make him better, 23818and (c) gets better, then no power of reasoning known to medical science can 23819convince him that it may not have been the treatment that restored his health. 23820 -- Sir Peter Medawar, "The Art of the Soluble" 23821% 23822If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. 23823The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position 23824in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop. The law of 23825gravity supercedes the law of golf. 23826 -- Donald A. Metz 23827% 23828If a shameless woman expects to be defiled and then dies of her fierce 23829love because you do not consent, will chastity also be homicide? 23830 -- Saint Augustine 23831% 23832If a small child asks you where rain comes from, I think a reasonable response 23833is simply that "God is crying." And, if he asks you why God is crying, the 23834only possible answer is "Probably because of something you did." 23835% 23836If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, 23837look at him as if he had lost his senses. 23838When he looks down, paraphrase the question back at him. 23839% 23840If a system is administered wisely, 23841its users will be content. 23842They enjoy hacking their code 23843and don't waste time implementing 23844labor-saving shell scripts. 23845Since they dearly love their accounts, 23846they aren't interested in other machines. 23847There may be telnet, rlogin, and ftp, 23848but these don't access any hosts. 23849There may be an arsenal of cracks and malware, 23850but nobody ever uses them. 23851People enjoy reading their mail, 23852take pleasure in being with their newsgroups, 23853spend weekends working at their terminals, 23854delight in the doings at the site. 23855And even though the next system is so close 23856that users can hear its key clicks and biff beeps, 23857they are content to die of old age 23858without ever having gone to see it. 23859% 23860If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good attitude. 23861If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to playing the 23862game right. If it plays the game right, it will win -- unless, of 23863course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager can make 23864goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry? 23865 -- Sparky Anderson 23866% 23867If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly. 23868 -- G.K. Chesterton 23869% 23870If a thing's worth having, it's worth cheating for. 23871 -- W.C. Fields 23872% 23873If a train station is a place where a train stops, what's a workstation? 23874% 23875If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever 23876to get a "fix" of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude 23877that netnews is far more addictive than cocaine. 23878 -- Rob Stampfli 23879% 23880If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever 23881to get a "fix" of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude 23882that netnews is far more addictive than cocaine. 23883 -- Rob Stampfli 23884% 23885If all be true that I do think, 23886There be five reasons why one should drink; 23887Good friends, good wine, or being dry, 23888Or lest we should be by-and-by, 23889Or any other reason why. 23890% 23891If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error. 23892 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 23893% 23894If all else fails, lower your standards. 23895% 23896If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister? 23897% 23898If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end -- I 23899wouldn't be a bit surprised. 23900 -- Dorothy Parker 23901% 23902If all the seas were ink, 23903And all the reeds were pens, 23904And all the skies were parchment, 23905And all the men could write, 23906These would not suffice 23907To write down all the red tape 23908Of this Government. 23909% 23910If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. 23911 -- Paul Beatty 23912% 23913If all the world's economists were laid end to end, 23914we wouldn't reach a conclusion. 23915 -- William Baumol 23916% 23917If an average person on the subway turns to you, like an ancient mariner, 23918and starts telling you her tale, you turn away or nod and hope she stops, 23919not just because you fear she might be crazy. If she tells her tale on 23920camera, you might listen. Watching strangers on television , even 23921responding to them from a studio audience, we're disengaged - voyeurs 23922collaborating with exhibitionists in rituals of sham community. Never 23923have so many known so much about people for whom they cared so little. 23924 -- Wendy Kaminer commenting on testimonial television 23925 in "I'm Dysfunctional, You're Dysfunctional". 23926% 23927If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. 23928% 23929If an S and an I and an O and a U 23930With an X at the end spell Su; 23931And an E and a Y and an E spell I, 23932Pray what is a speller to do? 23933Then, if also an S and an I and a G 23934And an HED spell side, 23935There's nothing much left for a speller to do 23936But to go commit siouxeyesighed. 23937 -- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament" 23938% 23939If any demonstrator ever lays down in front of my car, it'll be the last 23940car he ever lays down in front of. 23941 -- George Wallace 23942% 23943If any man wishes to be humbled and mortified, 23944let him become president of Harvard. 23945 -- Edward Holyoke 23946% 23947If anyone has seen my dog, please contact me at x2883 as soon as possible. 23948We're offering a substantial reward. He's a sable collie, with three legs, 23949blind in his left eye, is missing part of his right ear and the tip of his 23950tail. He's been recently fixed. Answers to "Lucky". 23951% 23952If anything can go wrong, it will. 23953% 23954If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment. 23955% 23956If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 23957% 23958If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success. 23959% 23960If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. 23961% 23962If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. 23963 -- W.E. Hickson 23964% 23965If at first you don't succeed, try try again. Then quit. 23966No use being a damn fool about it. 23967% 23968If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. 23969Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. 23970 -- W.C. Fields 23971 23972[Also attributed to Roy Mengot. Ed.] 23973% 23974If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer. 23975% 23976If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average. 23977 -- Leonard Levinson 23978% 23979If at first you fricasee, fry, fry again. 23980% 23981If atheism is to be used to express the state of mind in which God is 23982identified with the unknowable, and theology is pronounced to be a 23983collection of meaningless words about unintelligible chimeras, then 23984I have no doubt, and I think few people doubt, that atheists are as 23985plentiful as blackberries. 23986 -- Leslie Stephen 23987% 23988If bankers can count, how come they have 23989eight windows and only four tellers? 23990% 23991If Beethoven's Seventh Symphony is not by 23992some means abridged, it will soon fall into disuse. 23993 -- Philip Hale, Boston music critic, 1837 23994% 23995If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, 23996then the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization. 23997% 23998If built in great numbers, motels will be used for nothing 23999but illegal purposes. 24000 -- J. Edgar Hoover 24001% 24002If Carter is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question. 24003% 24004If Christianity was morality, Socrates would be the Saviour. 24005 -- William Blake 24006% 24007If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in James 24008Watt's office. 24009 -- Wayne Shannon 24010% 24011If coke is a joke, I'm waiting around for the next line. 24012% 24013If computers take over (which seems to be their natural tendency), it will 24014serve us right. 24015 -- Alistair Cooke 24016% 24017If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television? 24018% 24019If England treats her criminals the way she has treated me, she doesn't 24020deserve to have any. 24021 -- Oscar Wilde, reportedly while standing handcuffed in a 24022 driving rain, waiting for transport to prison upon his 24023 conviction for sodomy. 24024% 24025If ever the pleasure of one has to be bought by the pain of the other, 24026there better be no trade. A trade by which one gains and the other loses 24027is a fraud. 24028 -- Dagny Taggart, "Atlas Shrugged" 24029% 24030If ever you want to touch the hand and the heart of God Almighty, you can 24031do it through the body of someone you love. Anytime. Anywhere. Without 24032no middleman. 24033 -- Theodore Sturgeon, "Godbody" 24034% 24035If every kid had a funny tooth to bite down on whenever the world disappointed 24036him, prussic acid could solve our population problems in one generation. 24037 -- G.C. Edmonson's Albert, "The Man Who Corrupted Earth" 24038% 24039If everything on the road of life seems to 24040be coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 24041% 24042If everything seems to be going well, 24043you have obviously overlooked something. 24044% 24045If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing. 24046 -- Bertrand Russell 24047% 24048If food be the music of love, eat up, eat up. 24049% 24050If for every rule there is an exception, then we have established that there 24051is an exception to every rule. If we accept "For every rule there is an 24052exception" as a rule, then we must conced that there may not be an exception 24053after all, since the rule states that there is always the possibility of 24054exception, and if we follow it to its logical end we must agree that there 24055can be an exception to the rule that for every rule there is an exception. 24056 -- Bill Boquist 24057% 24058If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him. 24059 -- Voltaire, "Epitres, XCVI" 24060% 24061If God had a beard, he'd be a UNIX programmer. 24062% 24063If God had intended Man to program, we'd be born with serial I/O ports. 24064% 24065If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire. 24066% 24067If God had intended man to use the metric system, Jesus 24068would have only had ten disciples. 24069% 24070If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet. 24071% 24072If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit Ears. 24073% 24074If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their Heads. 24075% 24076If God had meant for us to be in the Army, 24077we would have been born with green, baggy skin. 24078% 24079If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way. 24080% 24081If God had not given us sticky tape, 24082it would have been necessary to invent it. 24083% 24084If God had really intended men to fly, 24085he'd make it easier to get to the airport. 24086 -- George Winters 24087% 24088If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would 24089have made them cute and furry. 24090 -- Dave Barry 24091% 24092If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had 24093only ten apostles. 24094% 24095If God had wanted you to go around nude, 24096He would have given you bigger hands. 24097% 24098If God hadn't wanted you to be paranoid, 24099He wouldn't have given you such a vivid imagination. 24100% 24101If God is dead, who will save the Queen? 24102% 24103If God is One, what is bad? 24104 -- Charles Manson 24105% 24106If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions? 24107% 24108If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows. 24109 -- Yiddish saying 24110% 24111If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs? 24112 -- Marvin Kitman 24113% 24114If God wanted us to have a President, 24115He would have sent us a candidate. 24116 -- Jerry Dreshfield 24117% 24118If graphics hackers are so smart, 24119why can't they get the bugs out of fresh paint? 24120% 24121If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals? 24122% 24123If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry. 24124 -- Chinese proverb 24125% 24126If he had only learnt a little less, how 24127infinitely better he might have taught much more! 24128% 24129If he once again pushes up his sleeves in order to compute for 3 days 24130and 3 nights in a row, he will spend a quarter of an hour before to 24131think which principles of computation shall be most appropriate. 24132 -- Voltaire, "Diatribe du docteur Akakia" 24133% 24134If he should ever change his faith, 24135it'll be because he no longer thinks he's God. 24136% 24137If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell. 24138 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) 24139% 24140If I could read your mind, love, 24141What a tale your thoughts could tell, 24142Just like a paperback novel, 24143The kind the drugstore sells, 24144When you reach the part where the heartaches come, 24145The hero would be me, 24146Heroes often fail, 24147You won't read that book again, because 24148 the ending is just too hard to take. 24149 24150I walk away, like a movie star, 24151Who gets burned in a three way script, 24152Enter number two, 24153A movie queen to play the scene 24154Of bringing all the good things out in me, 24155But for now, love, let's be real 24156I never thought I could act this way, 24157And I've got to say that I just don't get it, 24158I don't know where we went wrong but the feeling is gone 24159And I just can't get it back... 24160 -- Gordon Lightfoot, "If You Could Read My Mind" 24161% 24162If I could stick my pen in my heart, 24163I would spill it all over the stage. 24164Would it satisfy ya, would it slide on by ya, 24165Would you think the boy was strange? 24166Ain't he strange? 24167... 24168If I could stick a knife in my heart, 24169Suicide right on the stage, 24170Would it be enough for your teenage lust, 24171Would it help to ease the pain? 24172Ease your brain? 24173 -- Rolling Stones, "It's Only Rock'N Roll" 24174% 24175If I don't drive around the park, 24176I'm pretty sure to make my mark. 24177If I'm in bed each night by ten, 24178I may get back my looks again. 24179If I abstain from fun and such, 24180I'll probably amount to much; 24181But I shall stay the way I am, 24182Because I do not give a damn. 24183 -- Dorothy Parker 24184% 24185If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it around. 24186Trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I don't say embrace trouble; that's 24187as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say meet it as a friend, for 24188you'll see a lot of it and you had better be on speaking terms with it. 24189 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. 24190% 24191If *I* had a hammer, there'd be no more folk singers. 24192% 24193IF I HAD A MINE SHAFT, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's 24194got to be a better way. 24195 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 24196% 24197If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell, 24198I'd sell the plantation and go home. 24199 -- Eugene P. Gallagher 24200% 24201If I had any humility I would be perfect. 24202 -- Ted Turner 24203% 24204If I had done everything I'm credited with, I'd be speaking to you from 24205a laboratory jar at Harvard. 24206 -- Frank Sinatra 24207 24208AS USUAL, YOUR INFORMATION STINKS. 24209 -- Frank Sinatra, telegram to "Time" magazine 24210% 24211If I had my life to live over, I'd try to make more mistakes next time. I 24212would relax, I would limber up, I would be sillier than I have been this 24213trip. I know of very few things I would take seriously. I would be crazier. 24214I would climb more mountains, swim more rivers and watch more sunsets. I'd 24215travel and see. I would have more actual troubles and fewer imaginary ones. 24216You see, I am one of those people who lives prophylactically and sensibly 24217and sanely, hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I have had my moments and, 24218if I had it to do over again, I'd have more of them. In fact, I'd try to 24219have nothing else. Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many 24220years ahead each day. I have been one of those people who never go anywhere 24221without a thermometer, a hotwater bottle, a gargle, a raincoat and a parachute. 24222If I had it to do over again, I would go places and do things and travel 24223lighter than I have. If I had my life to live over, I would start bare-footed 24224earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would play hooky 24225more. I probably wouldn't make such good grades, but I'd learn more. I would 24226ride on more merry-go-rounds. I'd pick more daisies. 24227% 24228If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith. 24229 -- Albert Einstein 24230% 24231If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner. 24232 -- Tallulah Bankhead 24233% 24234If I have not seen so far it is because I stood in giant's footsteps. 24235% 24236If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the 24237shoulders of giants. 24238 -- Isaac Newton 24239 24240In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side with 24241the giants on whose shoulders we stand. 24242 -- Gerald Holton 24243 24244If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on 24245my shoulders. 24246 -- Hal Abelson 24247 24248Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders. 24249 -- Gauss 24250 24251Mathemeticians stand on each other's shoulders while computer scientists 24252stand on each other's toes. 24253 -- Richard Hamming 24254 24255It has been said that physicists stand on one another's shoulders. If 24256this is the case, then programmers stand on one another's toes, and 24257software engineers dig each other's graves. 24258 -- Unknown 24259% 24260If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it. 24261 -- Bob Hope 24262% 24263If I knew what brand [of whiskey] he drinks, 24264I would send a barrel or so to my other generals. 24265 -- Abraham Lincoln, on General Grant 24266% 24267If I love you, what business is it of yours? 24268 -- Goethe 24269% 24270If I love you, what business is it of yours? 24271 -- Johann van Goethe 24272% 24273If I made peace with Russia today, I'd only attack her again tomorrow. I 24274just couldn't help myself. 24275 -- Adolf Hitler 24276% 24277If I promised you the moon and the stars, would you believe it? 24278 -- Alan Parsons Project 24279% 24280If I set here and stare at nothing long enough, people might think 24281I'm an engineer working on something. 24282 -- S.R. McElroy 24283% 24284If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? 24285% 24286If I traveled to the end of the rainbow 24287As Dame Fortune did intend, 24288Murphy would be there to tell me 24289The pot's at the other end. 24290 -- Bert Whitney 24291% 24292If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form. 24293% 24294If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could 24295work for with a great deal of enjoyment. 24296 -- Douglas Jerrold 24297% 24298If I were to walk on water, the press would say I'm only doing it 24299because I can't swim. 24300 -- Bob Stanfield 24301% 24302If I'd known computer science was going to be like this, 24303I'd never have given up being a rock 'n' roll star. 24304 -- G. Hirst 24305% 24306If I'm over the hill, why is it I don't recall ever being on top? 24307 -- Jerry Muscha 24308% 24309If in any problem you find yourself doing an immense amount of work, the 24310answer can be obtained by simple inspection. 24311% 24312If in doubt, mumble. 24313% 24314If it ain't baroque, don't fix it. 24315% 24316If it ain't broke, don't fix it. 24317% 24318If it doesn't smell yet, it's pretty fresh. 24319 -- Dave Johnson, on dead seagulls 24320% 24321If it happens once, it's a bug. 24322If it happens twice, it's a feature. 24323If it happens more than twice, it's a design philosophy. 24324% 24325If it has syntax, it isn't user friendly. 24326% 24327If it has syntax, it isn't user-friendly. 24328% 24329If it heals good, say it. 24330% 24331If it is a Miracle, any sort of evidence will 24332answer, but if it is a Fact, proof is necessary. 24333 -- Samuel Clemens 24334% 24335If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven. 24336% 24337If it smells it's chemistry, if it crawls it's biology, if it doesn't work 24338it's physics. 24339% 24340If it takes a bloodbath, lets get it over with. No more appeasement. 24341 -- Ronald Reagan 24342% 24343If it wasn't for Newton, we wouldn't have to eat bruised apples. 24344% 24345If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. 24346% 24347If it wasn't so warm out today, it would be cooler. 24348% 24349If it were not for the presents, an elopment would be preferable. 24350 -- George Ade, "Forty Modern Fables" 24351% 24352If it were thought that anything I wrote was influenced by Robert Frost, 24353I would take that particular work of mine, shred it, and flush it down 24354the toilet, hoping not to clog the pipes. A more sententious, holding- 24355forth old bore who expected every hero-worshiping adenoidal little twerp 24356of a student-poet to hang on to his every word I never saw. 24357 -- James Dickey 24358% 24359If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done. 24360% 24361If it's green or wiggles, it's biology. 24362If it stinks, it's chemistry. 24363If it doesn't work, it's physics. 24364% 24365If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist. 24366% 24367If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune. 24368% 24369If it's worth doing, do it for money. 24370% 24371If it's worth doing, it's worth doing for money. 24372% 24373If it's worth hacking on well, it's worth hacking on for money. 24374% 24375If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him. 24376They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make 24377fun of it. 24378 -- Thomas Carlyle 24379% 24380If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they forgot to 24381send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll just think the 24382other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. And if *fifty* pieces 24383of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, why 24384they'll think something *else* is broken! And if 1Gb of mail gets lost, 24385they'll just *know* that uunet is down and think it's a conspiracy to keep 24386them from their God given right to receive Net Mail ... 24387 -- Leith (Casey) Leedom, apologies to Arlo Guthrie 24388% 24389If Karl, instead of writing a lot about Capital, 24390had made a lot of Capital, it would have been much better. 24391 -- Karl Marx's Mother 24392% 24393If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. 24394% 24395If life is a stage, I want some better lighting. 24396% 24397If life is merely a joke, the question 24398still remains: for whose amusement? 24399% 24400If life isn't what you wanted, have you asked for anything else? 24401% 24402If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women 24403you've got in the house. 24404 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 24405% 24406If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question? 24407 -- Lily Tomlin 24408% 24409If Love Were Oil, I'd Be About A Quart Low 24410 -- Book title by Lewis Grizzard 24411% 24412If Machiavelli were a hacker, he'd have worked for the CSSG. 24413 -- Phil Lapsley 24414% 24415If Machiavelli were a programmer, he'd have worked for AT&T. 24416% 24417If man is only a little lower than the angels, the angels should reform. 24418 -- Mary Wilson Little 24419% 24420If mathematically you end up with the wrong 24421answer, try multipying by the page number. 24422% 24423If men acted after marriage as they do during courtship, there would 24424be fewer divorces -- and more bankruptcies. 24425 -- Frances Rodman 24426% 24427If men are not afraid to die, 24428it is of no avail to threaten them with death. 24429 24430If men live in constant fear of dying, 24431And if breaking the law means a man will be killed, 24432Who will dare to break the law? 24433 24434There is always an official executioner. 24435If you try to take his place, 24436It is like trying to be a master carpenter and cutting wood. 24437If you try to cut wood like a master carpenter, 24438 you will only hurt your hand. 24439 -- Tao Te Ching, "Lao Tsu, #74" 24440% 24441If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would 24442be a merrier world. 24443 -- J.R.R. Tolkien 24444% 24445If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little 24446of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, 24447and from that to incivility and procrastination. 24448 -- Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859) 24449% 24450If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think 24451little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and 24452Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination. 24453 -- Thomas De Quincey 24454% 24455If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and 24456over again, there is no use in reading it at all. 24457 -- Oscar Wilde 24458% 24459If one inquires why the American tradition is so strong against any connection 24460of State and Church, why it dreads even the rudiments of religious teaching 24461in state-maintained schools, the immediate and superficial answer is not 24462far to seek. ... The cause lay largely in the diversity and vitality of the 24463various denominations, each fairly sure that, with a fair field and no favor, 24464it could make its own way; and each animated by a jealous fear that, if any 24465connection of State and Church were permitted, some rival denomination would 24466get an unfair advantage. 24467 -- John Dewey, "Democracy in the Schools", 1908 24468% 24469If one tells the truth, one is sure, sooner or later, to be found out. 24470 -- Oscar Wilde, "Phrases and Philosophies for the Use 24471 of the Young" 24472% 24473If only Dionysus were alive! Where would he eat? 24474 -- Woody Allen 24475% 24476If only God would give me some clear sign! 24477Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. 24478 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 24479% 24480If only one could get that wonderful feeling of 24481accomplishment without having to accomplish anything. 24482% 24483If only you could be respected without having to be respectable. 24484% 24485If only you had a personality instead of an attitude. 24486% 24487If only you knew she loved you, you could 24488face the uncertainty of whether you love her. 24489% 24490If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough. 24491% 24492If parents would only realize how they bore their children. 24493 -- G.B. Shaw 24494% 24495If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, 24496then we are a sorry lot indeed. 24497 -- Albert Einstein 24498% 24499If people concentrated on the really important things in life, 24500there'd be a shortage of fishing poles. 24501 -- Doug Larson 24502% 24503If people drank ink instead of Schlitz, they'd be better off. 24504 -- Edward E. Hippensteel 24505 24506[What brand of ink? Ed.] 24507% 24508If people have to choose between freedom and sandwiches, they 24509will take sandwiches. 24510 -- Lord Boyd-orr 24511 24512Eats first, morals after. 24513 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera" 24514% 24515If people say that here and there someone has been taken away and maltreated, 24516I can only reply: You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs. 24517 -- Hermann Goering 24518% 24519If people see that you mean them no harm, 24520they'll never hurt you, nine times out of ten! 24521% 24522If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice? 24523% 24524If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters. 24525 -- Nora Ephron, "Heartburn" 24526% 24527If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress? 24528% 24529If puns were deli meat, this would be the wurst. 24530% 24531If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit? 24532% 24533If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers. 24534 -- Tom Wicker 24535% 24536If researchers wrote nursery rhymes... 24537 24538Little Miss Muffet sat on her gluteal region, 24539Eating components of soured milk. 24540On at least one occasion, 24541 along came an arachnid and sat down beside her, 24542Or at least in her vicinity, 24543And caused her to feel an overwhelming, but not paralyzing, fear, 24544Which motivated the patient to leave the area rather quickly. 24545 -- Ann Melugin Williams 24546% 24547If Ricky Schroder and Gary Coleman had a fight on television with 24548pool cues, who would win? 24549 1) Ricky Schroder 24550 2) Gary Coleman 24551 3) The television viewing public 24552 -- David Letterman 24553% 24554If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of 24555arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the physical 24556world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker entirely by 24557the use of the mathematics of probability. 24558 -- Vannevar Bush 24559% 24560If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many 24561books on how to? 24562 -- Bette Midler 24563% 24564If she had not been cupric in her ions, 24565Her shape ovoidal, 24566Their romance might have flourished. 24567But he built tetrahedral in his shape, 24568His ions ferric, 24569Love could not help but die, 24570Uncatylised, inert, and undernourished. 24571% 24572If society fits you comfortably enough, you call it freedom. 24573 -- Robert Frost 24574% 24575If some people didn't tell you, 24576you'd never know they'd been away on vacation. 24577% 24578If someone had told me I would be Pope 24579one day, I would have studied harder. 24580 -- Pope John Paul I 24581% 24582If someone says he will do something "without fail", he won't. 24583% 24584If something has not yet gone wrong then it would 24585ultimately have been beneficial for it to go wrong. 24586% 24587If swimming is so good for your figure, how come whales look the 24588way they do? 24589% 24590If the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream 24591and never be our destiny. 24592 -- Rene de Visme Williamson 24593% 24594If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a 24595Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per per gallon, 24596and explode once a year killing everyone inside. 24597 -- Robert Cringely, InfoWorld 24598% 24599If the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust, 24600this would be a better world. 24601 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days" 24602% 24603If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong. 24604 -- Norm Schryer 24605% 24606If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to get 24607the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. See in 24608college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving the natural 24609method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting that you shall 24610learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The college, which should 24611be a place of delightful labor, is made odious and unhealthy, and the 24612young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to rally their jaded spirits. 24613I would have the studies elective. Scholarship is to be created not 24614by compulsion, but by awakening a pure interest in knowledge. The wise 24615instructor accomplishes this by opening to his pupils precisely the 24616attractions the study has for himself. The marking is a system for schools, 24617not for the college; for boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to 24618put on a professor. 24619 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 24620% 24621If the designers of X-window built cars, there would be no fewer than five 24622steering wheels hidden about the cockpit, none of which followed the same 24623prinicples -- but you'd be able to shift gears with your car stereo. Useful 24624feature, that. 24625 -- From the programming notebooks of a heretic, 1990. 24626% 24627If the ends don't justify the means, then what does? 24628 -- Robert Moses 24629% 24630If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical 24631would have something to do with a shortage of flowers. 24632 -- Doug Larson 24633 24634[Not to mention, butterfly would be flutterby. Ed.] 24635% 24636If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts. 24637 -- Albert Einstein 24638% 24639If the future isn't what it used to be, does that 24640mean that the past is subject to change in times to come? 24641% 24642If the girl you love moves in with another guy once, it's more than enough. 24643Twice, it's much too much. Three times, it's the story of your life. 24644% 24645If the government doesn't trust the people, why 24646doesn't it dissolve them and elect a new people? 24647% 24648If the grass is greener on other side of fence, 24649consider what may be fertilizing it. 24650% 24651If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, 24652we would be so simple we couldn't. 24653% 24654If the Lord God Almighty had consulted me before embarking upon the Creation, 24655I would have recommended something simpler. 24656 -- Alfonso the Wise, 13th Century King of Castile, 24657 Commenting on the Almagest, by Ptolemy. 24658% 24659If the master dies and the disciple grieves, 24660the lives of both have been wasted. 24661% 24662If the meanings of "true" and "false" were switched, 24663then this sentence would not be false. 24664% 24665If the Nazi's had television with satellite technology, we'd all be 24666goose-stepping. Americans are just as suggestible. 24667 -- Frank Zappa 24668% 24669If the odds are a million to one against something 24670occurring, chances are 50-50 it will. 24671% 24672If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads. 24673 -- Anatole France 24674% 24675If the rich could pay the poor to die for them, 24676what a living the poor could make! 24677% 24678If the shoe fits, it's ugly. 24679% 24680If the thunder don't get you, then the lightning will. 24681% 24682If the vendors started doing everything right, we would be out of a job. 24683Let's hear it for OSI and X! With those babies in the wings, we can count 24684on being employed until we drop, or get smart and switch to gardening, 24685paper folding, or something. 24686 -- C. Philip Wood 24687% 24688If the very old will remember, the very young will listen. 24689 -- Chief Dan George 24690% 24691If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down. 24692If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down. 24693If the bulletin covers are in short supply, however, 24694church attendance will exceed all expectations. 24695 -- Reverend Chichester 24696% 24697If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams. 24698% 24699If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, 24700the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. 24701 24702If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure 24703can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly develop. 24704% 24705If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing 24706of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur 24707of this life. 24708 -- Albert Camus 24709% 24710If there is a wrong way to do something, then someone will do it. 24711 -- Edward A. Murphy Jr. 24712% 24713If there is any realistic deterrent to marriage, it's the fact that you 24714can't afford divorce. 24715 -- Jack Nicholson 24716% 24717If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? 24718 -- Art Hoppe 24719% 24720If there is no wind, row. 24721 -- Polish proverb 24722% 24723If there really was a Jewish conspiracy to run the world, my rabbi would 24724have let me in on it by now. I contribute enough to the shule. 24725 -- Saul Goodman 24726% 24727If there was in justice in the world, "trust" would be a four-letter word. 24728% 24729If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three 24730years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law 24731school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers. 24732 -- Michael Levin, "The Socratic Method 24733% 24734If they sent one man to the moon, why can't they send them all? 24735% 24736If they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical, 24737go crude. I'm a very technical boy. So I get as crude as possible. These 24738days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even aspire 24739to crudeness... 24740 -- Johnny Mnemonic 24741% 24742If they were so inclined, they could impeach 24743him because they don't like his necktie. 24744 -- Attorney General William Saxbe 24745% 24746If things don't improve soon, you'd better ask them to stop helping you. 24747% 24748If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it. 24749% 24750If this is timesharing, give me my share right now. 24751It's not time yet. 24752% 24753If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same? 24754% 24755If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library? 24756 -- Lily Tomlin 24757% 24758If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is 24759doing the thinking. 24760 -- Lyndon B. Johnson 24761 24762Jerry Ford is a nice guy, but he played too much football with his 24763helmet off. 24764 -- Lyndon B. Johnson 24765 24766I do not believe that this generation of Americans is willing to resign 24767itself to going to bed each night by the light of a Communist moon. 24768 -- Lyndon B. Johnson 24769% 24770If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it. 24771 -- Ernest Hemingway 24772% 24773If two wrongs don't make a right, try three wrongs. 24774% 24775If voting could change the system, it would be illegal. 24776If not voting could change the system, it would be illegal. 24777% 24778If we all work together, we can totally disrupt the system. 24779% 24780If we can ever make red tape nutritional, we can feed the world. 24781 -- R. Schaeberle, "Management Accounting" 24782% 24783If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we would 24784all be millionaires. 24785 -- Abigail Van Buren 24786% 24787If we do not change our direction we are 24788likely to end up where we are headed. 24789% 24790If we don't survive, we don't do anything else. 24791 -- John Sinclair 24792% 24793If we men married the women we deserved, we should have a very bad time 24794of it. 24795 -- Oscar Wilde 24796% 24797"If we relied conclusively on scientific data for every one of our 24798findings, I'm afraid all of our work would be inconclusive." 24799 -- Henry Hudson, of the Meese Pornography Commission, on 24800 criticism of its conclusion that pornography causes sex 24801 crimes. 24802% 24803If we see the light at the end of the tunnel 24804It's the light of an oncoming train. 24805 -- Robert Lowell 24806% 24807If we spoke a different language, we 24808would perceive a somewhat different world. 24809 -- Wittgenstein 24810% 24811If we suffer tamely a lawless attack upon our liberty, 24812we encourage it, and involve others in our doom. 24813 -- Samuel Adams 24814% 24815If we were meant to get up early, God would have created us 24816with alarm clocks. 24817% 24818If we won't stand together, we don't stand a chance. 24819% 24820If what they've been doing hasn't solved the problem, tell them to 24821do something else. 24822 -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting" 24823% 24824If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel 24825in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary 24826qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted. 24827 -- Marguerite Emmons 24828% 24829If wishes were horses, then beggars would be thieves. 24830% 24831If women are supposed to be less rational and more emotional at the 24832beginning of our menstrual cycle, when the female hormone is at its 24833lowest level, then why isn't it logical to say that in those few days 24834women behave the most like the way men behave all month long? 24835 -- Gloria Steinham 24836% 24837If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning. 24838 -- Aristotle Onassis 24839% 24840If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it. 24841Quit work and play for once! 24842% 24843If you analyse anything, you destroy it. 24844 -- Arthur Miller 24845% 24846If you are a police dog, where's your badge? 24847 -- Question James Thurber used to drive his German Shepherd 24848 crazy. 24849% 24850If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry. 24851 -- Anton Chekov 24852% 24853If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry. 24854 -- Chekhov 24855% 24856If you are going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance. 24857% 24858If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are real 24859good, you will get out of it. 24860% 24861If you are honest because honesty is the best policy, 24862your honesty is corrupt. 24863% 24864If you are looking for a kindly, well-to-do older gentleman who is no 24865longer interested in sex, take out an ad in The Wall Street Journal. 24866 -- Abigail Van Buren 24867% 24868If you are not for yourself, who will be for you? 24869If you are for yourself, then what are you? 24870If not now, when? 24871% 24872If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient 24873evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than 24874words. 24875 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" 24876% 24877If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is 24878sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions 24879speak louder than words. 24880 -- Fran Lebowitz 24881% 24882If you are over 80 years old and accompanied 24883by your parents, we will cash your check. 24884% 24885If you are shooting under 80 you are neglecting your business; 24886over 80 you are neglecting your golf. 24887 -- Walter Hagen 24888% 24889If you are smart enough to know that you're not 24890smart enough to be an Engineer, then you're in Business. 24891% 24892If you are too busy to read, then you are too busy. 24893% 24894If you are what you eat, does that mean Euelle Gibbons really was a nut? 24895% 24896If you aren't rich you should always look useful. 24897 -- Louis-Ferdinand Celine 24898% 24899If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars. 24900 -- J. Paul Getty 24901% 24902If you can keep your head when all about you are losing 24903theirs, then you clearly don't understand the situation. 24904% 24905If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse. 24906% 24907If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything. 24908% 24909If you cannot convince them, confuse them. 24910 -- Harry S. Truman 24911% 24912If you cannot in the long run tell everyone 24913what you have been doing, your doing was worthless. 24914 -- Edwim Schrodinger 24915% 24916If you can't be good, be careful. 24917If you can't be careful, give me a call. 24918% 24919If you can't convince them, confuse them. 24920 -- Harry S. Truman 24921% 24922If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights. 24923% 24924If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly. 24925% 24926If you can't read this, blame a teacher. 24927% 24928If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me. 24929 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth 24930% 24931If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious. 24932% 24933If you catch a man, throw him back. 24934 -- Woman's Liberation Slogan, c. 1975 24935% 24936If you continually give you will continually have. 24937% 24938If you could only get that wonderful feeling of 24939accomplishment without having to accomplish anything. 24940% 24941If you didn't get caught, did you really do it? 24942% 24943If you didn't have most of your friends, 24944you wouldn't have most of your problems. 24945% 24946If you didn't have to work so hard, 24947you'd have more time to be depressed. 24948% 24949If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one. 24950 -- John Galsworthy 24951% 24952If you do not wish a man to do a thing, you had better get him to talk about 24953it; for the more men talk, the more likely they are to do nothing else. 24954 -- Carlyle 24955% 24956If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again. 24957% 24958If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost. 24959% 24960If you don't count some of Jehovah's injunctions, there are no humorists 24961in the Bible. 24962 -- Mordecai Richler 24963% 24964If you don't do it, you'll never know what 24965would have happened if you had done it. 24966% 24967If you don't do the things that are not worth doing, who will? 24968% 24969If you don't drink it, someone else will. 24970% 24971If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours. 24972 -- Clarence Day 24973% 24974If you don't have the time right now, 24975will you have redo right time later? 24976% 24977If you don't have time to do it right, where 24978are you going to find the time to do it over? 24979% 24980If you don't know what game you're playing, don't ask what the score is. 24981% 24982If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk! 24983% 24984If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it. 24985 -- Calvin Coolidge 24986% 24987If you don't strike oil in twenty minutes, stop boring. 24988 -- Andrew Carnegie, on public speaking 24989% 24990If you drink, don't park. Accidents make people. 24991% 24992If you ever want to have a lot of fun, I recommend that you go off and program 24993an imbedded system. The salient characteristic of an imbedded system is that 24994it cannot be allowed to get into a state from which only direct intervention 24995will suffice to remove it. An imbedded system can't permanently trust anything 24996it hears from the outside world. It must sniff around, adapt, consider, sniff 24997around, and adapt again. I'm not talking about ordinary modular programming 24998carefulness here. No. Programming an imbedded system calls for undiluted 24999raging maniacal paranoia. For example, our ethernet front ends need to know 25000what network number they are on so that they can address and route PUPs 25001properly. How do you find out what your network number is? Easy, you ask a 25002gateway. Gateways are required by definition to know their correct network 25003numbers. Once you've got your network number, you start using it and before 25004you can blink you've got it wired into fifteen different sockets spread all 25005over creation. Now what happens when the panic-stricken operator realizes he 25006was running the wrong version of the gateway which was giving out the wrong 25007network number? Never supposed to happen. Tough. Supposing that your 25008software discovers that the gateway is now giving out a different network 25009number than before, what's it supposed to do about it? This is not discussed 25010in the protocol document. Never supposed to happen. Tough. I think you 25011get my drift. 25012% 25013If you explain something so clearly that no 25014one can possibly misunderstand, someone will. 25015% 25016If you fail to plan, plan to fail. 25017% 25018If you find a solution and become attached to it, 25019the solution may become your next problem. 25020% 25021If you flaunt it, expect to have it trashed. 25022% 25023If you float on instinct alone, how can you 25024calculate the buoyancy for the computed load? 25025 -- Christopher Hodder-Williams 25026% 25027If you fool around with something long 25028enough, it will eventually break. 25029% 25030If you give a man enough rope, he'll claim he's tied up at the office. 25031% 25032If you give Congress a chance to vote on 25033both sides of an issue, it will always do it. 25034 -- Les Aspin, D, Wisconsin 25035% 25036If you go on with this nuclear arms race, 25037all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce. 25038 -- Winston Churchill 25039% 25040If you go out of your mind, do it quietly, 25041so as not to disturb those around you. 25042% 25043If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are 25044all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were 25045swimming. 25046 -- Jack Handey 25047% 25048If you had better tools, you could more 25049effectively demonstrate your total incompetence. 25050% 25051If you had just one moment to live 25052And they granted you one special wish 25053Would you ask for something 25054Like another chance. 25055 -- Traffic, "The Low Spark of Hi Heeled Boys" 25056% 25057If you hands are clean and your cause is just 25058and your demands are reasonable, at least it's a start. 25059% 25060If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some. 25061% 25062If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent. 25063 -- Bette Davis 25064% 25065If you have nothing to do, don't do it here. 25066% 25067If you have received a letter inviting you to speak at the dedication of a 25068new cat hospital, and you hate cats, your reply, declining the invitation, 25069does not necessarily have to cover the full range of your emotions. You must 25070make it clear that you will not attend, but you do not have to let fly at cats. 25071The writer of the letter asked a civil question; attack cats, then, only if 25072you can do so with good humor, good taste, and in such a way that your answer 25073will be courteous as well as responsive. Since you are out of sympathy with 25074cats, you may quite properly give this as a reason for not appearing at the 25075dedication ceremonies of a cat hospital. But bear in mind that your opinion 25076of cats was not sought, only your services as a speaker. Try to keep things 25077straight. 25078 -- Strunk and White, "The Elements of Style" 25079% 25080If you have seen one city slum you have seen them all. 25081 -- Spiro Agnew 25082% 25083If you have to ask how much it is, you can't afford it. 25084% 25085If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know. 25086 -- Louis Armstrong 25087% 25088If you have to hate, hate gently. 25089% 25090If you have to think twice about it, you're wrong. 25091% 25092If you haven't enjoyed the material in the last few lectures then a career 25093in chartered accountancy beckons. 25094 -- Advice from the lecturer in the middle of the Stochastic 25095 Systems course. 25096% 25097If you hype something and it succeeds, you're a genius -- it wasn't a 25098hype. If you hype it and it fails, then it was just a hype. 25099 -- Neil Bogart 25100% 25101If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to boot 25102yourself in the posterior. 25103 -- A.J. Liebling, "The Press" 25104% 25105If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to 25106boot yourself in the posterior. 25107 -- A.J. Liebling 25108% 25109If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it. 25110% 25111If you keep your mind sufficiently open, people will throw a lot of 25112rubbish into it. 25113 -- William Orton 25114% 25115If you knew what to say next, would you say it? 25116% 25117If you know the answer to a question, don't ask. 25118 -- Petersen Nesbit 25119% 25120If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end. 25121 -- Mark Twain 25122% 25123If you laid all the Elvis impersonators in the world, end to end... 25124you'd wanna run and get a steam roller, real fast. 25125 -- David Letterman 25126% 25127If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you'll learn 25128365 useless things. 25129% 25130If you liked the Earth you'll love Heaven. 25131% 25132If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee. 25133 -- Graham Summer 25134% 25135If you live long enough, you'll see that every victory turns into a defeat. 25136 -- Simone De Beauvoir 25137% 25138If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made 25139because very few people die past the age of a hundred. 25140 -- George Burns 25141% 25142If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets 25143and fire them all off, wouldn't you? 25144 -- Garrison Keillor 25145% 25146If you look good and dress well, you don't need a purpose in life. 25147 -- Robert Pante, fashion consultant 25148% 25149If you look like your driver's license photo -- see a doctor. 25150If you look like your passport photo -- it's too late for a doctor. 25151% 25152If you lose a son you can always get another, 25153but there's only one Maltese Falcon. 25154 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon" 25155% 25156If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist, he'll get rich, 25157or famous or both. 25158% 25159If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist, 25160he'll get rich or famous or both. 25161% 25162If you love someone, set them free. 25163If they don't come back, then call them up when you're drunk. 25164% 25165If you love something set it free. If it doesn't 25166come back to you, hunt it down and kill it. 25167% 25168If you make a mistake you right it 25169immediately to the best of your ability. 25170% 25171If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year 25172with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep. 25173 -- The Best of Will Rogers 25174% 25175If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; 25176but if you really make them think they'll hate you. 25177% 25178If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll 25179be married to a man who cheats on his wife. 25180 -- Ann Landers 25181% 25182If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody 25183in the whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments. 25184% 25185If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break. 25186 -- Schmidt 25187% 25188If you MUST get married, it is always advisable to marry beauty. 25189Otherwise, you'll never find anybody to take her off your hands. 25190% 25191If you need anything just whistle. 25192You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve? 25193Just put your lips together and blow. 25194 -- Lauren Bacall, "To Have and Have Not" 25195% 25196If you notice that a person is deceiving you, 25197they must not be deceiving you very well. 25198% 25199If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not 25200bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. 25201 -- Mark Twain 25202% 25203If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine, 25204you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get 25205ice, but no cup. 25206% 25207If you put it off long enough, it might go away. 25208% 25209If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery. 25210But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, 25211is somehow enobled and no-one dare criticise it. 25212 -- Pierre Gallois 25213% 25214If you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds of a 25215restaurant. 25216 -- Snoopy 25217% 25218If you really want to do something new, the good won't help you with it. 25219Let me have men about me that are arrant knaves. The wicked, who have 25220something on their conscience, are obliging, quick to hear threats, because 25221they know how it's done, and for booty. You can offer them things because 25222they will take them. Because they have no hesitations. You can hang them 25223if they get out of step. Let me have men about me that are utter villains 25224-- provided that I have the power, the absolute power, over life and death. 25225 -- Hermann Goering 25226% 25227If you refuse to accept anything but the best you very often get it. 25228% 25229If you remember the 60's, you weren't there. 25230% 25231If you resist reading what you disagree with, how will you ever acquire 25232deeper insights into what you believe? The things most worth reading 25233are precisely those that challenge our convictions. 25234% 25235If you see an onion ring -- answer it! 25236% 25237If you sell diamonds, you cannot expect to have many customers. 25238But a diamond is a diamond even if there are no customers. 25239 -- Swami Prabhupada 25240% 25241If you sow your wild oats, hope for a crop failure. 25242% 25243If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from 25244many it's research. 25245 -- Wilson Mizner 25246% 25247If you stew apples like cranberries, 25248they taste more like prunes than rhubarb does. 25249 -- Groucho Marx 25250% 25251If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker, 25252It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock. 25253Or some joker who is slicker, 25254Will trick you of your liquor, 25255If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock. 25256% 25257If you stick your head in the sand, 25258one thing is for sure, you're gonna get your rear kicked. 25259% 25260If you suspect a man, don't employ him. 25261% 25262If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have 25263schizophrenia. 25264 -- Thomas Szasz 25265% 25266If you teach your children to like computers and to know how to gamble 25267then they'll always be interested in something and won't come to no real 25268harm. 25269% 25270If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. 25271 -- Mark Twain 25272% 25273If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first. 25274% 25275If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. 25276 -- Derek Bok, president of Harvard 25277% 25278If you think last Tuesday was a drag, 25279wait till you see what happens tomorrow! 25280% 25281If you think nobody cares if you're alive, 25282try missing a couple of car payments. 25283 -- Earl Wilson 25284% 25285If you think the pen is mightier than the sword, the next time 25286someone pulls out a sword I'd like to see you get up there with 25287your Bic. 25288% 25289If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it. 25290 -- Arthur Kasspe 25291% 25292If you think the system is working, 25293ask someone who's waiting for a prompt. 25294% 25295If you think the United States has stood still, 25296who built the largest shopping center in the world? 25297 -- Richard Nixon 25298% 25299If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you 25300lack sufficient imagination. 25301% 25302If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would be 25303to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call you to 25304say they had a nice time. Now you'll be be expected to throw another party 25305next year. 25306 What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake 25307 up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if 25308they've been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious 25309to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning 25310parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having 25311another one ... 25312 If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door, 25313unless your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas 25314through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure that 25315they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting someone, 25316your job is to make sure it isn't you ... 25317 -- Dave Barry 25318% 25319If you took all of the grains of sand in the world, and lined 25320them up end to end in a row, you'd be working for the government! 25321 -- Mr. Interesting 25322% 25323If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them 25324end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable. 25325% 25326If you took all the women at the Harvard Prom 25327and laid them end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised. 25328 -- Dorothy Parker 25329% 25330If you treat people right they will treat you right -- 90% of the time. 25331 -- F.D. Roosevelt 25332% 25333If you try to please everyone, somebody is not going to like it. 25334% 25335If you wait long enough, it will go away... after having 25336done its damage. If it was bad, it will be back. 25337% 25338If you want me to be a good little bunny 25339just dangle some carats in front of my nose. 25340 -- Lauren Bacall 25341% 25342If you want to be ruined, marry a rich woman. 25343 -- Michelet 25344% 25345If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that's 25346read by persons who move their lips when the're reading to themselves. 25347 -- Don Marquis 25348% 25349If you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law. 25350% 25351If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. 25352 -- Woody Allen 25353% 25354If you want to put yourself on the map, publish your own map. 25355% 25356If you want to read about love and marriage you've got to buy two separate 25357books. 25358 -- Alan King 25359% 25360If you want to see card tricks, you have to expect to take cards. 25361 -- Harry Blackstone 25362% 25363If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the 25364Constitution. It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's statecraft. 25365Instead, read selected portions of the Washington telephone directory 25366containing listings for all the organizations with titles beginning with 25367the word "National". 25368 -- George Will 25369% 25370If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word 25371you say, talk in your sleep. 25372% 25373If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some 25374memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' 25375it, even if they don't know what it means. 25376 -- Walt Kelly 25377% 25378If you waste your time cooking, you'll miss the next meal. 25379% 25380If you will practice being fictional for a while, you will understand that 25381fictional characters are sometimes more real than people with bodies and 25382heartbeats. 25383% 25384If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk. 25385If you wish to be happy for three days, get married. 25386If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it. 25387If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish. 25388 -- Chinese Proverb 25389% 25390If you wish to succeed, consult three old people. 25391% 25392If you wish women to love you, be original; I know a man who wore fur 25393boots summer and winter, and women fell in love with him. 25394 -- Anton Chekov 25395% 25396If you work for a man, in heaven's name, work for him. 25397If he pays you wages which supply you bread and butter, work for him; speak 25398 well of him; stand by him, and by the institution he represents. 25399If put to a pinch, an ounce of loyalty is worth a pound of cleverness. 25400If you must vilify, condemn and eternally find disparage -- resign your 25401 position, and when you are outside, damn to your heart's content... 25402 but, as long as you are part of the institution do not condemn it. 25403If you do that, you are loosening the tendrils that are holding you to the 25404 institution, and at the first high wind that comes along, you will 25405 be uprooted and blown away, and probably will never know the reason 25406 why. 25407% 25408If you would keep a secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend. 25409% 25410If you would know the value of money, go try to borrow some. 25411 -- Ben Franklin 25412% 25413If you would understand your own age, read the works 25414of fiction produced in it. People in disguise speak freely. 25415% 25416If you'd like to cultivate insomnia, 25417Bed down with a pretty girl. 25418Amor vincit omnia. 25419% 25420If your aim in life is nothing; you can't miss. 25421% 25422If your bread is stale, make toast. 25423% 25424If your enemy is buried in quicksand up to his neck, pull him out. 25425If he is buried up to his eyes, step on his head. 25426 -- Niccoli Machiavelli, "The Prince" 25427% 25428If your happiness depends on what somebody else does, 25429I guess you do have a problem. 25430 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions" 25431% 25432If your life was a horse, you'd have to shoot it. 25433% 25434If your mother knew what you're doing, 25435she'd probably hang her head and cry. 25436% 25437If your parents don't have kids, neither will you. 25438% 25439If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no 25440longer be fantasies. 25441 -- Fran Lebowitz 25442% 25443If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a 25444piggy-back ride on a buzz-saw. 25445 -- W.C. Fields 25446% 25447If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real 25448embarrassing if someone tries to kill you. 25449 -- Jack Handey 25450% 25451If you're careful enough, nothing 25452bad or good will ever happen to you. 25453% 25454If you're carrying a torch, put it down. 25455The Olympics are over. 25456% 25457If you're constantly being mistreated, 25458you're cooperating with the treatment. 25459% 25460If you're crossing the nation in a covered wagon, it's better to have four 25461strong oxen than 100 chickens. Chickens are OK but we can't make them work 25462together yet. 25463 -- Ross Bott, Pyramid U.S., on multiprocessors at AUUGM '89. 25464% 25465If you're going to America, bring your own food. 25466 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 25467% 25468If you're going to do something tonight 25469that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. 25470 -- Henny Youngman 25471% 25472If you're going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance. 25473% 25474If you're happy, you're successful. 25475% 25476If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. 25477% 25478If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory. 25479 -- Benjamin Disraeli 25480% 25481If you're worried by earthquakes and nuclear war, 25482As well as by traffic and crime, 25483Consider how worry-free gophers are, 25484Though living on burrowed time. 25485 -- Richard Armour, WSJ, 11/7/83 25486% 25487If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round it 25488off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the universe. 25489% 25490If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all. 25491 -- Ronald Reagan 25492% 25493ignisecond, n: 25494 The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car 25495 door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!" 25496 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 25497% 25498IGNORANCE: 25499 When you don't know anything, and someone else finds out. 25500% 25501Ignorance is bliss. 25502 -- Thomas Gray 25503 25504Fortune updates the great quotes, #42: 25505 BLISS is ignorance. 25506% 25507Ignorance is never out of style. It was in fashion yesterday, it is the 25508rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow. 25509 -- Franklin K. Dane 25510% 25511Ignorance is when you don't know anything and somebody finds it out. 25512% 25513Ignorance must certainly be bliss or there wouldn't be so many people 25514so resolutely pursuing it. 25515% 25516Ignore previous fortune. 25517% 25518Il brilgue: les toves libricilleux 25519 Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave, 25520Enmimes sont les gougebosquex, 25521 Et le momerade horgrave. 25522 25523Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven 25524 Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben; 25525Und aller-mumsige Burggoven 25526 Dir mohmen Rath ausgraben. 25527% 25528I'll be comfortable on the couch. Famous last words. 25529 -- Lenny Bruce 25530% 25531I'll be Grateful when they're Dead. 25532% 25533I'll burn my books. 25534 -- Christopher Marlowe 25535% 25536I'll give you my opinion of the human race in a nutshell ... their heart's 25537in the right place, but their head is a thoroughly inefficient organ. 25538 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Summing Up" 25539% 25540I'll grant thee random access to my heart, 25541Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love; 25542And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove 25543And in our bound partition never part. 25544 25545Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain? 25546Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes, 25547A root or two, a torus and a node: 25548The inverse of my verse, a null domain. 25549 25550I see the eigenvalue in thine eye, 25551I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh. 25552Bernoulli would have been content to die 25553Had he but known such a-squared cos 2(thi)! 25554% 25555I'll learn to play the Saxophone, 25556I play just what I feel. 25557Drink Scotch whisky all night long, 25558And die behind the wheel. 25559They got a name for the winners in the world, 25560I want a name when I lose. 25561They call Alabama the Crimson Tide, 25562Call me Deacon Blues. 25563 -- Becker and Fagan, "Deacon Blues" 25564% 25565I'll meet you... on the dark side of the moon... 25566 -- Pink Floyd 25567% 25568I'll never get off this planet. 25569 -- Luke Skywalker 25570% 25571I'll pretend to trust you if you'll pretend to trust me. 25572% 25573I'll turn over a new leaf. 25574 -- Miguel de Cervantes 25575% 25576Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask 25577any Indian. 25578 -- Robert Orben 25579 25580Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery. 25581 -- Jack Paar 25582% 25583Illegitimi non carborundum 25584(translation: no carbonated drinks allowed.) 25585% 25586Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot: 25587it's more like the land He's trying to ignore. 25588% 25589Illiterate? Write today, for free help! 25590% 25591Illusion is the first of all pleasures. 25592 -- Voltaire 25593% 25594I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe 25595that I could have evolved from man. 25596% 25597"I'm a doctor, not a mechanic." 25598 -- "The Doomsday Machine", when asked if he had heard of 25599 the idea of a doomsday machine. 25600"I'm a doctor, not an escalator." 25601 -- "Friday's Child", when asked to help the very pregnant 25602 Ellen up a steep incline. 25603"I'm a doctor, not a bricklayer." 25604 -- Devil in the Dark", when asked to patch up the Horta. 25605"I'm a doctor, not an engineer." 25606 -- "Mirror, Mirror", when asked by Scotty for help in 25607 Engineering aboard the ISS Enterprise. 25608"I'm a doctor, not a coalminer." 25609 -- "The Empath", on being beneath the surface of Minara 2. 25610"I'm a surgeon, not a psychiatrist." 25611 -- "City on the Edge of Forever", on Edith Keeler's remark 25612 that Kirk talked strangely. 25613"I'm no magician, Spock, just an old country doctor." 25614 -- "The Deadly Years", to Spock while trying to cure the 25615 aging effects of the rogue comet near Gamma Hydra 4. 25616"What am I, a doctor or a moonshuttle conductor?" 25617 -- "The Corbomite Maneuver", when Kirk rushed off from a 25618 physical exam to answer the alert. 25619% 25620I'm a Hollywood writer; so I put on 25621a sports jacket and take off my brain. 25622% 25623I'm a lucky guy, and I'm happy to be with the Yankees. And I want to 25624 thank everyone for making this night necessary. 25625 -- Yogi Berra at a dinner in his honor 25626% 25627I'm all for computer dating, but I 25628wouldn't want one to marry my sister. 25629% 25630I'm always looking for a new idea that 25631will be more productive than its cost. 25632 -- David Rockefeller 25633% 25634I'm an artist. 25635But it's not what I really want to do. 25636What I really want to do is be a shoe salesman. 25637I know what you're going to say -- 25638"Dreamer! Get your head out of the clouds." 25639All right! But it's what I want to do. 25640Instead I have to go on painting all day long. 25641 25642The world should make a place for shoe salesmen. 25643 -- J. Feiffer 25644% 25645I'm an evolutionist; I refuse to believe 25646that I could have been created by man. 25647% 25648"I'm ANN LANDERS!! I can SHOPLIFT!!" 25649 -- Zippy the Pinhead 25650% 25651I'm dying beyond my means. 25652 -- Oscar Wilde, his last words, while sipping champagne 25653% 25654"I'm dying," he croaked. 25655"My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted . 25656"You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized. 25657"That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered. 25658"The fire is going out," he bellowed. 25659"Bad marksmanship," the hunter groused. 25660"You ought to see a psychiatrist," he reminded me. 25661"You snake," she rattled. 25662"Someone's at the door," she chimed. 25663"Company's coming," she guessed. 25664"Dawn came too soon," she mourned. 25665"I think I'll end it all," Sue sighed. 25666"I ordered chocolate, not vanilla," I screamed. 25667"Your embroidery is sloppy," she needled cruelly. 25668"Where did you get this meat?" he bridled hoarsely. 25669 -- Gyles Brandreth, "The Joy of Lex" 25670% 25671I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in. 25672 -- George McGovern 25673% 25674I'm for bringing back the birch, but only for consenting adults. 25675 -- Gore Vidal 25676% 25677I'm for peace -- I've yet to see a man wake up in the morning and say "I've 25678just had a good war. 25679 -- Mae West 25680% 25681I'm free -- and freedom tastes of reality. 25682% 25683I'm glad I was not born before tea. 25684 -- Sidney Smith (1771-1845) 25685% 25686I'm glad that I'm an American, 25687I'm glad that I am free, 25688But I wish I were a little doggy, 25689And McGovern were a tree. 25690% 25691I'm going through my "I want to go back to New York" phase today. Happens 25692every six months or so. So, I thought, perhaps unwisely, that I'd share 25693it with you. 25694 25695> In New York in the winter it is million degrees below zero and 25696 the wind travels at a million miles an hour down 5th avenue. 25697> And in LA it's 72. 25698 25699> In New York in the summer it is a million degrees and the humidity 25700 is a million percent. 25701> And in LA it's 72. 25702 25703> In New York there are a million interesting people. 25704> And in LA there are 72. 25705% 25706I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man. 25707 -- Fred Allen 25708% 25709I'm going to give my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes. 25710 -- Woody Allen 25711% 25712I'm going to raise an issue and stick it in your ear. 25713 -- John Foreman 25714% 25715I'm going to Vietnam at the request of the White House. President Johnson 25716says a war isn't really a war without my jokes. 25717 -- Bob Hope 25718% 25719I'm hungry, time to eat lunch. 25720% 25721I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here? 25722 -- Harold Urey 25723% 25724I'm just as sad as sad can be! 25725 I've missed your special date. 25726Please say that you're not mad at me 25727 My tax return is late. 25728 -- Modern Lines for Modern Greeting Cards 25729% 25730I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be 25731living apart. 25732 -- E.E. Cummings 25733% 25734I'm N-ary the tree, I am, 25735N-ary the tree, I am, I am. 25736I'm getting traversed by the parser next door, 25737She's traversed me seven times before. 25738And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!) 25739Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!) 25740I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary. 25741N-ary the tree I am, I am, 25742N-ary the tree I am. 25743 -- Stolen from Paul Revere and the Raiders 25744% 25745I'm not a lovable man. 25746 -- Richard Nixon. 25747% 25748I'm not a real movie star -- I've still got the same wife I started out 25749with twenty-eight years ago. 25750 -- Will Rogers 25751% 25752I'm not afraid of death -- I just don't want to be there when it happens. 25753 -- Woody Allen 25754% 25755I'm not denyin' the women are foolish: God Almighty made 'em to 25756match the men. 25757 -- George Eliot 25758% 25759I'm not even going to *bother* comparing C to BASIC or FORTRAN. 25760 -- L. Zolman, creator of BDS C 25761% 25762I'm not laughing with you, I'm laughing at you. 25763% 25764I'm not offering myself as an example; 25765every life evolves by its own laws. 25766% 25767I'm not prejudiced, I hate everyone equally. 25768% 25769I'm not proud. 25770% 25771"I'm not stupid, I'm not expendable, and I'M NOT GOING!" 25772% 25773I'm not sure I've even got the brains to be President. 25774 -- Barry Goldwater, in 1964 25775% 25776I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert! 25777% 25778I'm not the person your mother warned you about... her imagination isn't 25779that good. 25780 -- Amy Gorin 25781% 25782I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol 25783that some thinkle peep I am. 25784It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get. 25785% 25786I'm often asked the question, "Do you think there is extraterrestrial intelli- 25787gence?" I give the standard arguments -- there are a lot of places out there, 25788and use the word *billions*, and so on. And then I say it would be astonishing 25789to me if there weren't extraterrestrial intelligence, but of course there is as 25790yet no compelling evidence for it. And then I'm asked, "Yeah, but what do you 25791really think?" I say, "I just told you what I really think." "Yeah, but 25792what's your gut feeling?" But I try not to think with my gut. Really, it's 25793okay to reserve judgment until the evidence is in. 25794 -- Carl Sagan 25795% 25796I'm prepared for all emergencies but 25797totally unprepared for everyday life. 25798% 25799I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is 25800-- I could be just as proud for half the money. 25801 -- Arthur Godfrey 25802% 25803I'm really enjoying not talking to you... 25804Let's not talk again REAL soon... 25805% 25806I'm so broke I can't even pay attention. 25807% 25808I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here. 25809% 25810I'm sorry, but my kharma just ran over your dogma. 25811% 25812I'm sorry I missed. 25813 -- Squeaky Fromme 25814% 25815I'm sorry if the correct way of doing things offends you. 25816% 25817I'm still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie. 25818% 25819I'm successful because I'm lucky. 25820The harder I work, the luckier I get. 25821% 25822"I'm terribly sorry, sir," the novice barber apologized, after badly nicking 25823a customer. "Let me wrap your head in a towel." 25824 "That's all right," said the customer. "I'll just take it home under 25825my arm." 25826% 25827I'm very good at integral and differential calculus, 25828I know the scientific names of beings animalculous; 25829In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, 25830I am the very model of a modern Major-General. 25831 -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "The Pirates of Penzance" 25832% 25833I'm very old-fashioned. I believe that people should marry for life, 25834like pigeons and Catholics. 25835 -- Woody Allen 25836% 25837Imagination is more important than knowledge. 25838 -- A. Einstein 25839% 25840Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality. 25841 -- Jules de Gaultier 25842% 25843Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual 25844way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of 25845complaining. 25846 -- Jeff Raskin 25847% 25848Imagine me going around with a pot belly. 25849It would mean political ruin. 25850 -- Adolf Hitler 25851% 25852Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has a 25853150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk storage, a 25854screen resolution of 1024 x 1024 pixels, relies entirely on voice recognition 25855for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300. What's the first 25856question that the computer community asks? 25857 25858"Is it PC compatible?" 25859% 25860Imagine there's no heaven... it's easy if you try. 25861 -- John Lennon, "Imagine" 25862% 25863Imagine what we can imagine! 25864 -- Arthur Rubinstein 25865% 25866Imbalance of power corrupts and monopoly of power corrupts absolutely. 25867 -- Genji 25868% 25869Imbesi's Law with Freeman's Extension: 25870 In order for something to become clean, something else must 25871 become dirty; but you can get everything dirty without getting 25872 anything clean. 25873% 25874Imitation is the sincerest form of television. 25875 -- Fred Allen 25876% 25877Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant. 25878% 25879Immanuel Kant but Kubla Khan. 25880% 25881Immature artists imitate, mature artists steal. 25882 -- Lionel Trilling 25883% 25884Immature poets imitate, mature poets steal. 25885 -- T.S. Eliot, "Philip Massinger" 25886% 25887Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery. 25888 -- Jack Paar 25889% 25890Immortality -- a fate worse than death. 25891 -- Edgar A. Shoaff 25892% 25893Immutability, Three Rules of: 25894 (1) If a tarpaulin can flap, it will. 25895 (2) If a small boy can get dirty, he will. 25896 (3) If a teenager can go out, he will. 25897% 25898IMPARTIAL: 25899 Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from 25900 espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two 25901 conflicting opinions. 25902% 25903Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. 25904Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the Boss is reading 25905it. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving 25906from where you left them to where you can't find them. 25907% 25908In 1967, the Soviet Government minted a beautiful silver ruble with Lenin 25909in a very familiar pose - arms raised above him, leading the country to 25910revolution. But, it was clear to everybody, that if you looked at it from 25911behind, it was clear that Lenin was pointing to 11:00, when the Vodka 25912shops opened, and was actually saying, "Comrades, forward to the Vodka shops. 25913 25914It became fashionable, when one wanted to have a drink, to take out the 25915ruble and say, "Oh my goodness, Comrades, Lenin tells me we should go. 25916% 25917In 1989, the United States, which was displeased with the policies of the 25918dictator of Panama, invaded that country and placed in power a government 25919more to its liking. 25920 25921In 1990, Iraq, which was displeased with the policies of the dictator of 25922Kuwait, invaded that country and placed in power a government more to its 25923liking. 25924% 25925In a bottle, the neck is always at the top. 25926% 25927In a circuit with a fast-acting fuse, 25928an IC will blow to protect the fuse. 25929% 25930In a consumer society there are inevitably two kinds of slaves: 25931the prisoners of addiction and the prisoners of envy. 25932% 25933In a country where the sole employer is the State, opposition means death 25934by slow starvation. The old principle: Who does not work shall not eat, 25935has been replaced by a new one: Who does not obey shall not eat. 25936 -- Leon Trotsky, 1937 25937% 25938In a display of perverse brilliance, Carl the repairman mistakes a room 25939humidifier for a mid-range computer but manages to tie it into the network 25940anyway. 25941 -- The 5th Wave 25942% 25943In a five year period we can get one superb programming language. 25944Only we can't control when the five year period will begin. 25945% 25946In a gathering of two or more people, when a lighted cigarette is 25947placed in an ashtray, the smoke will waft into the face of the non-smoker. 25948% 25949In a great romance, each person basically plays a part that the 25950other really likes. 25951 -- Elizabeth Ashley 25952% 25953In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence ... 25954in time every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent 25955to carry out its duties ... Work is accomplished by those employees who 25956have not yet reached their level of incompetence. 25957 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter, "The Peter Principle" 25958% 25959In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between 25960frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they 25961are all merely transforms of one another. This combined with 25962minimalization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct 25963compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can 25964lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost. However, 25965this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd. 25966% 25967In a surprise raid last night, federal agent's ransacked a house in search 25968of a rebel computer hacker. However, they were unable to complete the arrest 25969because the warrant was made out in the name of Don Provan, while the only 25970person in the house was named don provan. Proving, once again, that Unix is 25971superior to Tops10. 25972% 25973In a whiskey it's age, in a cigarette it's 25974taste and in a sports car it's impossible. 25975% 25976In America any boy may become President, and I suppose that's just the 25977risk he takes. 25978 -- Adlai Stevenson 25979% 25980In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save. 25981% 25982In an age when the fashion is to be in love with yourself, confessing to 25983be in love with somebody else is an admission of unfaithfulness to one's 25984beloved. 25985 -- Russell Baker 25986% 25987In an orderly world, there's always a place for the disorderly. 25988% 25989In any country there must be people who have to die. They are the 25990sacrifices any nation has to make to achieve law and order. 25991 -- Idi Amin Dada 25992% 25993In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks) 25994are to be treated as variables. 25995% 25996In any problem, if you find yourself doing an infinite amount of work, 25997the answer may be obtained by inspection. 25998% 25999In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations -- 26000it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir. 26001 -- Stuart Keate 26002% 26003IN BOX: 26004 A catch basin for everything you don't want 26005 to deal with, but are afraid to throw away. 26006% 26007In breeding cattle you need one bull for every twenty-five cows, unless 26008the cows are known sluts. 26009 -- Johnny Carson 26010% 26011In Brooklyn, we had such great pennant races, it 26012made the World Series just something that came later. 26013 -- Walter O'Malley, Dodgers owner 26014% 26015In buying horses and taking a wife 26016shut your eyes tight and commend yourself to God. 26017% 26018In California, Bill Honig, the Superintendent of Public Instruction, said he 26019thought the general public should have a voice in defining what an excellent 26020teacher should know. "I would not leave the definition of math," Dr. Honig 26021said, "up to the mathematicians." 26022 -- The New York Times, October 22, 1985 26023% 26024In California they don't throw their garbadge away -- they make 26025it into television shows. 26026 -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall" 26027% 26028In case of atomic attack, all work rules will be temporarily suspended. 26029% 26030In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling 26031against prayer in schools will be temporarily cancelled. 26032% 26033In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!" 26034 -- The Kidner Report 26035% 26036In case of fire, yell "FIRE!" 26037% 26038In case of injury notify your superior immediately. 26039He'll kiss it and make it better. 26040% 26041In charity there is no excess. 26042 -- Francis Bacon 26043% 26044In childhood a woman must be subject to her father; in youth to her 26045husband; when her husband is dead, to her sons. A woman must never 26046be free of subjugation. 26047 -- The Hindu Code of Manu 26048% 26049In computing, the mean time to failure keeps getting shorter. 26050% 26051In Cristianity, a man may have only one wife. 26052This is called Monotony. 26053% 26054In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable. 26055 -- W. Churchill, on General Montgomery 26056% 26057In dwelling, be close to the land. 26058In meditation, delve deep into the heart. 26059In dealing with others, be gentle and kind. 26060In speech, be true. 26061In work, be competent. 26062In action, be careful of your timing. 26063 -- Lao Tsu 26064% 26065In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our 26066programming languages. 26067% 26068In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty. 26069 -- Thomas Jefferson 26070% 26071In every hierarchy the cream rises until it sours. 26072 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter 26073% 26074In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun. 26075Find the fun and snap! The job's a game. 26076And every task you undertake, becomes a piece of cake, 26077 a lark, a spree; it's very clear to see. 26078 -- Mary Poppins 26079% 26080In every non-trivial program there is at least one bug. 26081% 26082In fact, S. M. Simpson, eventually devised an efficient 24-point Fourier 26083transform, which was a precursor to the Cooley-Tukey fast Fourier transform 26084in 1965. The FFT made all of Simpson's efficient autocorrelation and 26085spectrum programs instantly obsolete, on which he had worked half a lifetime. 26086 -- Proc. IEEE, Sept. 1982, p.900 26087% 26088In fiction the recourse of the powerless is murder; 26089in life the recourse of the powerless is petty theft. 26090% 26091In Germany they first came for the Communists and I didn't speak up because 26092I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up 26093because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I 26094didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the 26095Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came 26096for me -- and by that time no one was left to speak up. 26097 -- Pastor Martin Niemoller 26098% 26099In God we trust; all else we walk through. 26100% 26101In good speaking, should not the mind of the speaker 26102know the truth of the matter about which he is to speak? 26103 -- Plato 26104% 26105In her first passion woman loves her lover, 26106In all the others all she loves is love. 26107 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan" 26108% 26109In high school in Brooklyn 26110I was the baseball manager, 26111proud as I could be 26112I chased baseballs, 26113gathered thrown bats 26114handed out the towels Eventually, I bought my own 26115It was very important work but it was dark blue while 26116for a small spastic kid, the official ones were green 26117but I was a team member Nobody ever said anything 26118When the team got to me about my blue jacket; 26119their warm-up jackets the guys were my friends 26120I didn't get one Yet it hurt me all year 26121Only the regular team to wear that blue jacket 26122got these jackets, and among all those green ones 26123surely not a manager Even now, forty years after, 26124 I still recall that jacket 26125 and the memory goes on hurting. 26126 -- Bart Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance" 26127% 26128In Hollywood, all marriages are happy. It's trying to live together 26129afterwards that causes the problems. 26130 -- Shelley Winters 26131% 26132In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it. 26133 -- Rex Reed 26134% 26135In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into 26136use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather 26137which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy. 26138 -- Mark Twain 26139% 26140In Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, 26141murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michaelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci 26142and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had 26143five hundred years of democracy and peace -- and what did they produce? 26144The cuckoo-clock. 26145 -- Orson Welles, "The Third Man" 26146% 26147In just seven days, I can make you a man! 26148 -- The Rocky Horror Picture Show 26149 [ (and seven nights...) Ed.] 26150% 26151In less than a century, computers will be making substantial 26152progress on ... the overriding problem of war and peace. 26153 -- James Slagle 26154% 26155In like a dimwit, out like a light. 26156 -- Pogo 26157% 26158In love, she who gives her portrait promises the original. 26159 -- Bruton 26160% 26161In marriage, as in war, it is permitted 26162to take every advantage of the enemy. 26163% 26164In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but 26165the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they 26166have obtained from books of travel. 26167 -- Mark Twain 26168% 26169In matters of principle, stand like a rock; 26170in matters of taste, swim with the current. 26171 -- Thomas Jefferson 26172% 26173In Mexico we have a word for sushi: bait. 26174 -- Josi Simon 26175% 26176In Minnesota they ask why all football fields in Iowa have artificial turf. 26177It's so the cheerleaders won't graze during the game. 26178% 26179In most instances, all an argument 26180proves is that two people are present. 26181% 26182In my end is my beginning. 26183 -- Mary Stuart, Queen of Scots 26184% 26185In my experience, if you have to keep the lavatory door shut by extending 26186your left leg, it's modern architecture. 26187 -- Nancy Banks Smith 26188% 26189IN MY OPINION anyone interested in improving himself should not rule out 26190becoming pure energy. 26191 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 26192% 26193In Nature there are neither rewards nor 26194punishments, there are consequences. 26195 -- R.G. Ingersoll 26196% 26197In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar -- 26198a practice which is still continued. 26199 -- Helen Rowland 26200% 26201In order to dial out, it is necessary to broaden one's dimension. 26202% 26203In order to discover who you are, first learn who everybody else is; 26204you're what's left. 26205% 26206In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it. 26207% 26208In order to live free and happily, you must sacrifice boredom. 26209It is not always an easy sacrifice. 26210% 26211In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence 26212is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office. 26213 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 26214% 26215In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, 26216intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption 26217from the cares of office. 26218% 26219In Oz, never say "krizzle kroo" to a Woozy. 26220% 26221In Pierre Trudeau, Canada has finally produced 26222a Prime Minister worthy of assassination. 26223 -- John Diefenbaker 26224% 26225In practice, failures in system development, like unemployment in Russia, 26226happens a lot despite official propaganda to the contrary. 26227 -- Paul Licker 26228% 26229In real love you want the other person's good. In romantic love you 26230want the other person. 26231 -- Margaret Anderson 26232% 26233In San Francisco, Halloween is redundant. 26234 -- Will Durst 26235% 26236In science it often happens that scientists say, 'You know that's a really 26237good argument; my position is mistaken,' and then they actually change 26238their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. They really 26239do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are 26240human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot 26241recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion. 26242 -- Carl Sagan, 1987 CSICOP keynote address 26243% 26244In short, N is Richardian if, and only if, N is not Richardian. 26245% 26246In spite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart. 26247 -- Ann Frank 26248% 26249In success there's a tendency to keep on doing what you were doing. 26250 -- Alan Kay 26251% 26252In the beginning there was nothing. And the Lord said "Let There Be Light!" 26253And still there was nothing, but at least now you could see it. 26254% 26255In the beginning was the word. 26256But by the time the second word was added to it, 26257There was trouble. 26258For with it came syntax ... 26259 -- John Simon 26260% 26261In the course of reading Hadamard's "The Psychology of Invention in the 26262Mathematical Field", I have come across evidence supporting a fact 26263which we coffee achievers have long appreciated: no really creative, 26264intelligent thought is possible without a good cup of coffee. On page 2626514, Hadamard is discussing Poincare's theory of fuchsian groups and 26266fuchsian functions, which he describes as "... one of his greatest 26267discoveries, the first which consecrated his glory ..." Hadamard refers 26268to Poincare having had a "... sleepless night which initiated all that 26269memorable work ..." and gives the following, very revealing quote: 26270 26271 "One evening, contrary to my custom, I drank black coffee and 26272 could not sleep. Ideas rose in crowds; I felt them collide 26273 until pairs interlocked, so to speak, making a stable 26274 combination." 26275 26276Too bad drinking black coffee was contrary to his custom. Maybe he 26277could really have amounted to something as a coffee achiever. 26278% 26279In the days of old, 26280When Knights were bold, 26281 And women were too cautious; 26282Oh, those gallant days, 26283When women were women, 26284 And men were really obnoxious. 26285% 26286In the dimestores and bus stations 26287People talk of situations 26288Read books repeat quotations 26289Draw conclusions on the wall. 26290 -- Bob Dylan 26291% 26292In the early morning queue, 26293With a listing in my hand. 26294With a worry in my heart, There on terminal number 9, 26295Waitin' here in CERAS-land. Pascal run all set to go. 26296I'm a long way from sleep, But I'm waitin' in the queue, 26297How I miss a good meal so. With this code that ever grows. 26298In the early mornin' queue, Now the lobby chairs are soft, 26299With no place to go. But that can't make the queue move fast. 26300 Hey, there it goes my friend, 26301 I've moved up one at last. 26302 -- Ernest Adams, "Early Morning Queue", to "Early 26303 Morning Rain" by G. Lightfoot 26304% 26305In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish. It changes 26306into a bird whose wings are like clouds filling the sky. When this bird 26307moves across the land, it brings a message from Corporate Headquarters. This 26308message it drops into the midst of the programmers, like a seagull making 26309its mark upon the beach. Then the bird mounts on the wind and, with the blue 26310sky at its back, returns home. 26311 26312The novice programmer stares in wonder at the bird, for he understands it not. 26313The average programmer dreads the coming of the bird, for he fears its message. 26314The master programmer continues to work at his terminal, for he does not know 26315 that the bird has come and gone. 26316% 26317In the eyes of my dog, I'm a man. 26318 -- Martin Mull 26319% 26320In the first place, God made idiots; 26321this was for practice; then he made school boards. 26322 -- Mark Twain 26323% 26324In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in 26325the proper order then why can't he? 26326% 26327In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in 26328the proper order then why can't he? 26329 26330 26331I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah 26332Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda 26333 S-O-D-A soda 26334I saw the little runt sitting there on a log 26335I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda 26336 Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda 26337 26338Well I've been around but I ain't never seen 26339A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green 26340 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda 26341Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand 26342How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand 26343 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda 26344 -- The STAR WARS Song, to "Lola", by the Kinks 26345% 26346In the future, there will be fewer but better Russians. 26347 -- Joseph Stalin 26348% 26349In the future, you're going to get computers as prizes in breakfast cereals. 26350You'll throw them out because your house will be littered with them. 26351% 26352In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls. 26353 -- Lenny Bruce 26354% 26355In the highest society, as well as in the lowest, 26356woman is merely an instrument of pleasure. 26357 -- Tolstoy 26358% 26359In the land of the dark the Ship of the 26360Sun is driven by the Grateful Dead. 26361 -- Egyptian Book of the Dead 26362% 26363In the long run, every program becomes rococco, and then rubble. 26364 -- Alan Perlis 26365% 26366In the long run we are all dead. 26367 -- John Maynard Keynes 26368% 26369In the middle of a wide field is a pot of gold. 100 feet to the north stands 26370a smart manager. 100 feet to the south stands a dumb manager. 100 feet to 26371the east is the Easter Bunny, and 100 feet to the west is Santa Claus. 26372 26373Q: Who gets to the pot of gold first? 26374A: The dumb manager. All the rest are myths. 26375% 26376In the midst of one of the wildest parties he'd ever been to, the young man 26377noticed a very prim and pretty girl sitting quietly apart from the rest of 26378the revelers. Approaching her, he introduced himself and, after some quiet 26379conversation, said, "I'm afraid you and I don't really fit in with this 26380jaded group. Why don't I take you home?"" 26381 "Fine," said the girl, smiling up at him demurely. "Where do you 26382live?" 26383% 26384In the misfortune of our friends we find something that is not 26385displeasing to us. 26386 -- La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims" 26387% 26388In the next world, you're on your own. 26389% 26390In the Old West a wagon train is crossing the plains. As night falls the 26391wagon train forms a circle, and a campfire is lit in the middle. After 26392everyone has gone to sleep two lone cavalry officers stand watch over the 26393camp. 26394 After several hours of quiet, they hear war drums starting from 26395a nearby Indian village they had passed during the day. The drums get 26396louder and louder. 26397 Finally one soldier turns to the other and says, "I don't like 26398the sound of those drums." 26399 Suddenly, they hear a cry come from the Indian camp: "IT'S 26400NOT OUR REGULAR DRUMMER." 26401% 26402In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a 26403loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to 26404you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty 26405lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you stole a dog 26406and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit punches, although it 26407was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong enough to punch you. 26408 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 26409% 26410In the plot, people came to the land; the land loved them; they worked and 26411struggled and had lots of children. There was a Frenchman who talked funny 26412and a greenhorn from England who was a fancy-pants but when it came to the 26413crunch he was all courage. Those novels would make you retch. 26414 -- Canadian novelist Robertson Davies, on the generic Canadian 26415 novel. 26416% 26417In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has 26418shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the Old 26419Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred 26420thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years from now the 26421Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. ... There is 26422something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesome returns of 26423conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact. 26424 -- Mark Twain 26425% 26426In the Spring, I have counted 136 26427different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours. 26428 -- Mark Twain, on New England weather 26429% 26430In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator. 26431% 26432In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to drop 26433out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at discotheques. 26434 -- Art Linkletter 26435% 26436In the war of wits, he's unarmed. 26437% 26438In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. 26439In practice, there is. 26440% 26441In these matters the only certainty is that there is nothing certain. 26442 -- Pliny the Elder 26443% 26444In this vale 26445Of toil and sin 26446Your head grows bald 26447But not your chin. 26448 -- Burma Shave 26449% 26450In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. 26451 -- Benjamin Franklin 26452% 26453In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be 26454thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican. 26455 -- H.L. Mencken 26456% 26457In this world some people are going to like me and some are not. 26458So, I may as well be me. Then I know if someone likes me, they like me. 26459% 26460In this world there are only two tragedies. One is 26461not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it. 26462 -- Oscar Wilde 26463% 26464In this world, truth can wait; she's used to it. 26465% 26466In time, every post tends to be occupied by an 26467employee who is incompetent to carry out its duties. 26468 -- Dr. L.J. Peter 26469% 26470In /users3 did Kubla Kahn 26471A stately pleasure dome decree, 26472Where /bin, the sacred river ran 26473Through Test Suites measureless to Man 26474Down to a sunless C. 26475% 26476In war it is not men, but the man who counts. 26477 -- Napoleon 26478% 26479In war, truth is the first casualty. 26480 -- U Thant 26481% 26482In which level of metalanguage are you now speaking? 26483% 26484In wine there is truth (In vino veritas). 26485 -- Pliny 26486% 26487In Xanadu did Kubla Khan a stately pleasure dome decree 26488But only if the NFL to a franchise would agree. 26489% 26490In Xanadu did Kubla Khan 26491A stately pleasure dome decree: 26492Where Alph, the sacred river, ran 26493Through caverns measureless to man 26494Down to a sunless sea. 26495So twice five miles of fertile ground 26496With walls and towers were girdled round: 26497And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills, 26498Where blossomed many an incense-bearing tree; 26499And here were forest ancient as the hills, 26500Enfolding sunny spots of greenery. 26501 -- S.T. Coleridge, "Kubla Kahn" 26502% 26503In youth, it was a way I had 26504To do my best to please, 26505And change, with every passing lad, 26506To suit his theories. 26507 26508But now I know the things I know, 26509And do the things I do; 26510And if you do not like me so, 26511To hell, my love, with you! 26512 -- Dorothy Parker, "Indian Summer" 26513% 26514INCENTIVE PROGRAM: 26515 The system of long and short-term rewards that a corporation uses 26516 to motivate its people. Still, despite all the experimentation with 26517 profit sharing, stock options, and the like, the most effective 26518 incentive program to date seems to be "Do a good job and you get to 26519 keep it." 26520% 26521Include me out. 26522% 26523Increased knowledge will help you now. 26524Have mate's phone bugged. 26525% 26526INCUMBENT: 26527 Person of livliest interest to the outcumbents. 26528% 26529Indecision is the true basis for flexibility. 26530% 26531Indeed, the first noble truth of Buddhism, usually translated as 26532`all life is suffering,' is more accurately rendered `life is filled 26533with a sense of pervasive unsatisfactoriness.' 26534 -- M.D. Epstein 26535% 26536INDEX: 26537 Alphabetical list of words of no possible interest where an 26538 alphabetical list of subjects with references ought to be. 26539% 26540Indiana is a state dedicated to basketball. Basketball, soybeans, hogs and 26541basketball. Berkeley, needless to say, is not nearly as athletic. Berkeley 26542is dedicated to coffee, angst, potholes and coffee. 26543 -- Carolyn Jones 26544% 26545Indifference will certainly be the downfall of mankind, but who cares? 26546% 26547Individualists unite! 26548% 26549Indomitable in retreat; invincible in 26550advance; insufferable in victory. 26551 -- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery 26552% 26553infancy, n: 26554 The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven lies 26555about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward. 26556 -- Ambrose Bierce 26557% 26558Infidel: In New York, one who does not believe in the 26559Christian religion; in Constantinople, one who does. 26560 -- Ambrose Bierce 26561% 26562Inform all the troops that communications have completely broken down. 26563% 26564Information Center: 26565 A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is to 26566 tell you why you cannot have the information you require. 26567% 26568Information is the inverse of entropy. 26569% 26570Information Processing: 26571 What you call data processing when people are so disgusted with 26572 it they won't let it be discussed in their presence. 26573% 26574Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations 26575 26576 Sign on a cabin door of a Soviet Black Sea cruise liner: 26577 Helpsavering apparata in emergings behold many whistles! 26578 Associate the stringing apparata about the bosums and meet 26579 behind, flee then to the indifferent lifesaveringshippen 26580 obedicing the instructs of the vessel. 26581 26582 On the door in a Belgrade hotel: 26583 Let us know about any unficiency as well as leaking on 26584 the service. Our utmost will improve it. 26585 26586 -- Colin Bowles 26587% 26588Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations 26589 26590 Sign on a cathedral in Spain: 26591 It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner if 26592 dressed as a man. 26593 26594 Above the enterance to a Cairo bar: 26595 Unaccompanied ladies not admitted unless with husband 26596 or similar. 26597 26598 On a Bucharest elevator: 26599 26600 The lift is being fixed for the next days. 26601 During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. 26602 26603 -- Colin Bowles 26604% 26605Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations 26606 26607 Various signs in Poland: 26608 26609 Right turn toward immediate outside. 26610 26611 Go soothingly in the snow, as there lurk the ski demons. 26612 26613 Five o'clock tea at all hours. 26614 26615 In a men's washroom in Sidney: 26616 26617 Shake excess water from hands, push button to start, 26618 rub hands rapidly under air outlet and wipe hands 26619 on front of shirt. 26620 26621 -- Colin Bowles, San Francisco Chronicle 26622% 26623ingrate, n: 26624 A man who bites the hand that feeds him, 26625 and then complains of indigestion. 26626% 26627Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. 26628 -- Martin Luther King, Jr. 26629% 26630ink, n: 26631 A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, 26632 and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of 26633 idiocy and promote intellectual crime. 26634 -- H.L. Mencken 26635% 26636Innocence ends when one is stripped of the delusion that one 26637likes oneself. 26638 -- Joan Didion, "On Self Respect" 26639% 26640INNOVATE: 26641 Annoy people. 26642% 26643Innovation is hard to schedule. 26644 -- Dan Fylstra 26645% 26646INNUENDO: 26647 Italian enema. 26648% 26649Insanity is considered a ground for divorce, though by the very same 26650token it is the shortest detour to marriage. 26651 -- Wilson Mizner 26652% 26653Insanity is inherited, you get it from your kids! 26654% 26655Insanity is the final defense. It's hard to get a refund when 26656the salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon. 26657% 26658INSECURITY: 26659 Finding out that you've mispronounced for years one of your 26660 favorite words. 26661 26662 Realizing halfway through a joke that you're telling it to 26663 the person who told it to you. 26664% 26665Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out. 26666% 26667Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over. 26668% 26669Inspector: "Mrs. Freem, was this your husband's first 26670 hunting accident?" 26671Mrs. Freem: "His first fatal one, yes." 26672 -- Woody Allen 26673% 26674Inspiration without perspiration is usually sterile. 26675% 26676Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't 26677they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning 26678anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five 26679years we would have the smartest race of people on earth. 26680 -- The Best of Will Rogers 26681% 26682Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better. 26683 -- Edgar W. Howe 26684% 26685Integrity has no need for rules. 26686% 26687Intel CPUs are not defective, they just act that way. 26688 -- Henry Spencer 26689% 26690Intellect annuls Fate. 26691So far as a man thinks, he is free. 26692 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 26693% 26694Interchangeable parts won't. 26695% 26696INTEREST: 26697 What borrowers pay, lenders receive, stockholders own, and 26698 burned out employees must feign. 26699% 26700Interesting poll results reported in today's New York Post: people on the 26701street in midtown Manhattan were asked whether they approved of the US 26702invasion of Grenada. Fifty-three percent said yes; 39 percent said no; 26703and 8 percent said "Gimme a quarter?" 26704 -- David Letterman 26705% 26706Interfere? Of course we should interfere! Always do what you're 26707best at, that's what I say. 26708 -- Doctor Who 26709% 26710INTERPRETER: 26711 One who enables two persons of different languages to understand 26712 each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the 26713 interpreter's advantage for the other to have said. 26714% 26715Into love and out again, 26716 Thus I went and thus I go. 26717Spare your voice, and hold your pen: 26718 Well and bitterly I know 26719All the songs were ever sung, 26720 All the words were ever said; 26721Could it be, when I was young, 26722 Someone dropped me on my head? 26723 -- Dorothy Parker, "Theory" 26724% 26725INTOXICATED: 26726 When you feel sophisticated without being able to pronounce it. 26727% 26728Introducing, the 1010, a one-bit processor. 26729 26730INSTRUCTION SET 26731 Code Mnemonic What 26732 0 NOP No Operation 26733 1 JMP Jump (address specified by next 2 bits) 26734 26735Now Available for only 12 1/2 cents! 26736% 26737Invest in physics -- own a piece of Dirac! 26738% 26739Involvement with people is always a very delicate thing -- 26740it requires real maturity to become involved and not get all messed up. 26741 -- Bernard Cooke 26742% 26743I/O, I/O, 26744It's off to disk I go, 26745A bit or byte to read or write, 26746I/O, I/O, I/O... 26747% 26748 26749 26750_/I\_____________o______________o___/I\ l * / /_/ * __ ' .* l 26751I"""_____________l______________l___"""I\ l *// _l__l_ . *. l 26752 [__][__][(******)__][__](******)[__][] \l l-\ ---//---*----(oo)----------l 26753 [][__][__(******)][__][_(******)_][__] l l \\ // ____ >-( )-< / l 26754 [__][__][_l l[__][__][l l][__][] l l \\)) ._****_.(......) .@@@:::l 26755 [][__][__]l .l_][__][__] .l__][__] l l ll _(o_o)_ (@*_*@ l 26756 [__][__][/ <_)[__][__]/ <_)][__][] l l ll ( / \ ) / / / ) l 26757 [][__][ /..,/][__][__][/..,/_][__][__] l l / \\ _\ \_ / _\_\ l 26758 [__][__(__/][__][__][_(__/_][__][__][] l l______________________________l 26759 [__][__]] l , , . [__][__][] l 26760 [][__][_] l . i. '/ , [][__][__] l /\**/\ season's 26761 [__][__]] l O .\ / /, O [__][__][] l ( o_o )_) greetings 26762_[][__][_] l__l======='=l____[][__][__] l_______,(u u ,),__________________ 26763 [__][__]]/ /l\-------/l\ [__][__][]/ {}{}{}{}{}{}<R> 26764 26765In Ellen's house it is warm and toasty while fuzzies play in the snow outside. 26766 26767% 26768IOT trap -- core dumped 26769% 26770IOT trap -- mos dumped 26771% 26772Iowa State -- the high school after high school! 26773 -- Crow T. Robot 26774% 26775Iowans ask why Minnesotans don't drink more Kool-Aid. That's because 26776they can't figure out how to get two quarts of water into one of those 26777little paper envelopes. 26778% 26779Iron Law of Distribution: 26780 Them that has, gets. 26781% 26782IRONY: 26783 A windy day, when, just as a beautiful girl with 26784 a short skirt approaches, dust blows in your eyes. 26785% 26786Is a computer language with goto's totally Wirth-less? 26787% 26788Is a person who blows up banks an econoclast? 26789% 26790"Is a tatoo real, like a curb or a battleship? 26791Or are we suffering in Safeway?" 26792 -- Zippy the Pinhead 26793% 26794Is a wedding successful if it comes off without a hitch? 26795% 26796Is death legally binding? 26797% 26798Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is 26799meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as 26800a soap bubble? 26801% 26802Is it weird in here, or is it just me? 26803 -- Steven Wright 26804% 26805Is knowledge knowable? If not, how do we know that? 26806% 26807Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning 26808of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out, 26809and such as are out wish to get in? 26810 -- Ralph Emerson 26811% 26812Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right. 26813 -- Woody Allen, "All You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex" 26814% 26815Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just glad to see me? 26816 -- Mae West 26817% 26818Is that really YOU that is reading this? 26819% 26820"Is there any point to which you would wish to draw my attention?" 26821"To the curious incident of the dog in the night-time." 26822"The dog did nothing in the night-time." 26823"That was the curious incident," remarked Sherlock Holmes. 26824% 26825Is there life before breakfast? 26826% 26827Is this really happening? 26828% 26829Isn't air travel wonderful? 26830Breakfast in London, dinner in New York, luggage in Brazil. 26831% 26832Isn't it conceivable to you that an intelligent 26833person could harbor two opposing ideas in his mind? 26834 -- Adlai Stevenson, to reporters 26835% 26836Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction 26837listen to weather forecasts and economists? 26838 -- Kelvin Throop III 26839% 26840Isn't it ironic that many men spend a great part of their lives 26841avoiding marriage while single-mindedly pursuing those things that 26842would make them better prospects? 26843% 26844Isn't it nice that people who prefer Los Angeles to San Francisco live 26845there? 26846 -- Herb Caen 26847% 26848Isn't it strange that the same people that 26849laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously? 26850% 26851ISO applications: 26852 A solution in search of a problem! 26853% 26854Issawi's Laws of Progress: 26855 The Course of Progress: 26856 Most things get steadily worse. 26857 The Path of Progress: 26858 A shortcut is the longest distance between two points. 26859% 26860It appears that PL/I (and its dialects) is, or will be, the 26861most widely used higher level language for systems programming. 26862 -- J. Sammet 26863% 26864It cannot be seen, cannot be felt, 26865Cannot be heard, cannot be smelt. 26866It lies behind starts and under hills, 26867And empty holes it fills. 26868It comes first and follows after, 26869Ends life, kills laughter. 26870% 26871"It could be that Walter's horse has wings" does not imply that there is 26872any such animal as Walter's horse, only that there could be; but "Walter's 26873horse is a thing which could have wings" does imply Walter's horse's 26874existence. But the conjunction "Walter's horse exists, and it could be 26875that Walter's horse has wings" still does not imply "Walter's horse is a 26876thing that could have wings", for perhaps it can only be that Walter's 26877horse has wings by Walter having a different horse. Nor does "Walter's 26878horse is a thing which could have wings" conversely imply "It could be that 26879Walter's horse has wings"; for it might be that Walter's horse could only 26880have wings by not being Walter's horse. 26881 26882I would deny, though, that the formula [Necessarily if some x has property P 26883then some x has property P] expresses a logical law, since P(x) could stand 26884for, let us say "x is a better logician than I am", and the statement "It is 26885necessary that if someone is a better logician than I am then someone is a 26886better logician than I am" is false because there need not have been any me. 26887 -- A.N. Prior, "Time and Modality" 26888% 26889It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being. 26890 -- Benjamin Disraeli 26891% 26892It did not occur to me that my being with two men continuously would 26893interest anyone or arouse anyone's misgivings. I asked for an invitation 26894for Heinrich too, as often as it seemed possible, when Paulus and I were 26895invited to a social gathering. I felt the set of rules others lived by 26896was irrelevant. My childhood attitude -- every attempt to adjust is 26897hopeless and you might just as well follow your own attitudes -- must have 26898carried me. 26899 -- Hannah Tillich, "From Time to Time" 26900% 26901It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations. 26902% 26903It does not matter if you fall down as long as you 26904pick up something from the floor while you get up. 26905% 26906It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've 26907done and what you're going to do. 26908% 26909It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose. 26910% 26911It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out 26912next morning it was someone else. 26913 -- Rogers 26914% 26915It follows that any commander in chief who undertakes to carry out a plan 26916which he considers defective is at fault; he must put forth his reasons, 26917insist of the plan being changed, and finally tender his resignation rather 26918than be the instrument of his army's downfall. 26919 -- Napoleon, "Military Maxims and Thought" 26920% 26921It gets late early out there. 26922 -- Yogi Berra 26923% 26924It got to the point where I had to get a haircut 26925or both feet firmly planted in the air. 26926% 26927It hangs down from the chandelier 26928Nobody knows quite what it does 26929Its color is odd and its shape is weird 26930It emits a high-sounding buzz 26931 26932It grows a couple of feet each day 26933and wriggles with sort of a twitch 26934Nobody bugs it 'cause it comes from 26935a visiting uncle who's rich! 26936 -- To "It Came Upon A Midnight Clear" 26937% 26938It happened long ago 26939In the new magic land 26940The Indians and the buffalo 26941Existed hand in hand 26942The Indians needed food 26943They need skins for a roof 26944The only took what they needed 26945And the buffalo ran loose 26946But then came the white man 26947With his thick and empty head 26948He couldn't see past his billfold 26949He wanted all the buffalo dead 26950It was sad, oh so sad. 26951 -- Ted Nugent, "The Great White Buffalo" 26952% 26953It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater. The clown came 26954out to inform the public. They thought it was just a jest and applauded. 26955He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder. So I think the world 26956will come to an end amid general applause from all the wits, who believe 26957that it is a joke. 26958% 26959It has been justly observed by sages of all lands that although a man may be 26960most happily married and continue in that state with the utmost contentment, 26961it does not necessarily follow that he has therefore been struck stone-blind. 26962 -- H. Warner Munn 26963% 26964It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it 26965is thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists 26966have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell. 26967 -- Ambrose Bierce 26968% 26969It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life 26970I have been searching for evidence which could support this. 26971 -- Bertrand Russell 26972% 26973It has been said that Public Relations is the art of winning friends 26974and getting people under the influence. 26975 -- Jeremy Tunstall 26976% 26977It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. 26978% 26979It has long been an article of our folklore that too much knowledge or skill, 26980or especially consummate expertise, is a bad thing. It dehumanizes those who 26981achieve it, and makes difficult their commerce with just plain folks, in whom 26982good old common sense has not been obliterated by mere book learning or fancy 26983notions. This popular delusion flourishes now more than ever, for we are all 26984infected with it in the schools, where educationists have elevated it from 26985folklore to Article of Belief. It enhances their self-esteem and lightens 26986their labors by providing theoretical justification for deciding that 26987appreciation, or even simple awareness, is more to be prized than knowledge, 26988and relating (to self and others), more than skill, in which minimum 26989competence will be quite enough. 26990 -- The Underground Grammarian 26991% 26992It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely 26993the most important. 26994 -- Sherlock Holmes 26995% 26996It has long been an axiom of mine that the 26997little things are infinitely the most important. 26998 -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Case of Identity" 26999% 27000It has long been known that birds will occasionally build nests in the 27001manes of horses. The only known solution to this problem is to sprinkle 27002baker's yeast in the mane, for, as we all know, yeast is yeast and nest 27003is nest, and never the mane shall tweet. 27004% 27005It has long been known that one horse can run faster 27006than another -- but which one? Differences are crucial. 27007 -- Lazarus Long 27008% 27009It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of 27010indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury 27011is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim 27012of infanticide. 27013 -- Edmond About 27014% 27015It is a hard matter, my fellow citizens, 27016to argue with the belly, since it has no ears. 27017 -- Marcus Porcius Cato 27018% 27019It is a lesson which all history teaches 27020wise men, to put trust in ideas, and not in circumstances. 27021 -- Emerson 27022% 27023It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize. 27024% 27025It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish. 27026 -- Aeschylus 27027% 27028It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was 27029my age, he had been dead for 2 years. 27030 -- Tom Lehrer 27031% 27032It is a very humbling experience to make a multimillion-dollar mistake, but 27033it is also very memorable. I vividly recall the night we decided how to 27034organize the actual writing of external specifications for OS/360. The 27035manager of architecture, the manager of control program implementation, and 27036I were threshing out the plan, schedule, and division of responsibilities. 27037 The architecture manager had 10 good men. He asserted that they 27038could write the specifications and do it right. It would take ten months, 27039three more than the schedule allowed. 27040 The control program manager had 150 men. He asserted that they 27041could prepare the specifications, with the architecture team coordinating; 27042it would be well-done and practical, and he could do it on schedule. 27043Futhermore, if the architecture team did it, his 150 men would sit twiddling 27044their thumbs for ten months. 27045 To this the architecture manager responded that if I gave the control 27046program team the responsibility, the result would not in fact be on time, 27047but would also be three months late, and of much lower quality. I did, and 27048it was. He was right on both counts. Moreover, the lack of conceptual 27049integrity made the system far more costly to build and change, and I would 27050estimate that it added a year to debugging time. 27051 -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month" 27052% 27053It is a wise father that knows his own child. 27054 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" 27055% 27056It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to program. 27057What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in organizing 27058thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be self-critical? 27059 -- Alan Perlis 27060% 27061It is all right to hold a conversation, 27062but you should let go of it now and then. 27063 -- Richard Armour 27064% 27065It is always the best policy to speak the truth, 27066unless of course you are an exceptionally good liar. 27067 -- Jerome K. Jerome 27068% 27069It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of course, 27070you are an exceptionally good liar. 27071 -- Jerome K. Jerome 27072% 27073It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness. 27074% 27075It is annoying to be honest to no purpose. 27076 -- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid) 27077% 27078It is bad luck to be superstitious. 27079 -- Andrew W. Mathis 27080% 27081[It is] best to confuse only one issue at a time. 27082 -- K&R 27083% 27084It is better to be bow-legged than no-legged. 27085% 27086It is better to be on penicillin, than never to have loved at all. 27087% 27088It is better to burn out than it is to rust. 27089% 27090It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees. 27091% 27092It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same. 27093% 27094It is better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall. 27095% 27096It is better to have loved and lost -- much better. 27097% 27098It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost. 27099% 27100It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark. 27101% 27102It is better to live rich than to die rich. 27103 -- Samuel Johnson 27104% 27105It is better to remain childless than to father an orphan. 27106% 27107It is better to travel hopefully than to fly Continental. 27108% 27109It is better to wear chains than to believe you are free, 27110and weight yourself down with invisible chains. 27111% 27112It is better to wear out than to rust out. 27113% 27114It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits: 27115freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either. 27116 -- Mark Twain 27117% 27118It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, 27119admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something. 27120 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt 27121% 27122It is contrary to reasoning to say that there 27123is a vacuum or space in which there is absolutely nothing. 27124 -- Descartes 27125% 27126It is convenient that there be gods, and, 27127as it is convenient, let us believe there are. 27128 -- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid) 27129% 27130It is dangerous for a national candidate to say things that people might 27131remember. 27132 -- Eugene McCarthy 27133% 27134It is difficult to legislate morality in the absence of moral legislators. 27135% 27136It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive 27137and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing 27138rabbits singing about toilet paper. 27139 -- R. Serling 27140% 27141It is difficult to soar with the eagles when you work with turkeys. 27142% 27143It is easier for a camel to pass through the 27144eye of a needle if it is lightly greased. 27145 -- Kehlog Albran 27146% 27147It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its 27148proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community a 27149better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to treat 27150your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the focus of 27151attention, the harder the task. 27152 -- Sydney J. Harris 27153% 27154It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa. 27155% 27156It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. 27157 -- Alfred Adler 27158% 27159It is easier to make a saint out of a libertine than out of a prig. 27160 -- George Santayana 27161% 27162It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end. 27163 -- Leonardo da Vinci 27164% 27165It is easier to run down a hill than up one. 27166% 27167It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one. 27168% 27169It is easy when we are in prosperity to give advice to the afflicted. 27170 -- Aeschylus 27171% 27172It is enough to make one sympathize with a tyrant for the determination 27173of his courtiers to deceive him for their own personal ends... 27174 -- Russell Baker and Charles Peters 27175% 27176It is equally bad when one speeds on the guest unwilling to go, and when he 27177holds back one who is hastening. Rather one should befriend the guest who 27178is there, but speed him when he wishes. 27179 -- Homer, "The Odyssey" 27180 27181 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 27182 referring to scheduling.] 27183% 27184It is exactly because a man cannot do a 27185thing that he is a proper judge of it. 27186 -- Oscar Wilde 27187% 27188It is explained that all relationships require a little give and take. This 27189is untrue. Any partnership demands that we give and give and give and at the 27190last, as we flop into our graves exhausted, we are told that we didn't give 27191enough. 27192 -- Quentin Crisp, "How to Become a Virgin" 27193% 27194It is far better to be deceived than to be undeceived by those we love. 27195% 27196It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities 27197without your help. 27198 -- Miss Manners 27199% 27200It is Fortune, not Wisdom, that rules man's life. 27201% 27202It is fruitless: 27203 to become lacrymose over precipitately departed lactate fluid. 27204 27205 to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with 27206 innovative maneuvers. 27207% 27208It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because 27209if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people. 27210 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" 27211% 27212It is idle to attempt to talk a young woman out of her passion: 27213love does not lie in the ear. 27214 -- Walpole 27215% 27216It is imperative when flying coach that you restrain any tendency toward 27217the vividly imaginative. For although it may momentarily appear to be the 27218case, it is not at all likely that the cabin is entirely inhabited by 27219crying babies smoking inexpensive domestic cigars. 27220 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 27221% 27222It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly surprised. 27223% 27224It is impossible to defend perfectly 27225against the attack of those who want to die. 27226% 27227It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly 27228unless one has plenty of work to do. 27229 -- Jerome Klapka Jerome 27230% 27231It is impossible to enjoy idling unless there is plenty of work to do. 27232 -- Jerome K. Jerome 27233% 27234It is impossible to make anything 27235foolproof because fools are so ingenious. 27236% 27237It is impossible to travel faster than light, and 27238certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off. 27239 -- Woody Allen 27240% 27241IT IS IN PROCESS: 27242 So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless. 27243% 27244It is indeed desirable to be well descended, 27245but the glory belongs to our ancestors. 27246 -- Plutarch 27247% 27248It is like saying that for the cause of peace, 27249God and the Devil will have a high-level meeting. 27250 -- Rev. Carl McIntire, on Nixon's China trip 27251% 27252It is most dangerous nowadays for a husband to pay any attention to his 27253wife in public. It always makes people think that he beats her when 27254they're alone. The world has grown so suspicious of anything that looks 27255like a happy married life. 27256 -- Oscar Wilde 27257% 27258It is much easier to be critical than to be correct. 27259 -- Benjamin Disraeli 27260% 27261It is much easier to suggest solutions 27262when you know nothing about the problem. 27263% 27264It is much harder to find a job than to keep one. 27265% 27266It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be privileged 27267to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to corrupt the 27268youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles. 27269 -- George Bernard Shaw 27270% 27271It is no wonder that people are so horrible when they start life as children. 27272 -- Kingsley Amis 27273% 27274It is not a good omen when goldfish commit suicide. 27275% 27276It is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to do, 27277that makes life blessed. 27278 -- Goethe 27279% 27280It is not enough that I should succeed. Others must fail. 27281 -- Ray Kroc, Founder of McDonald's 27282 [Also attributed to David Merrick. Ed.] 27283 27284It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail. 27285 -- Gore Vidal 27286 [Great minds think alike? Ed.] 27287% 27288It is not enough to have a good mind. 27289The main thing is to use it well. 27290 -- Rene Descartes 27291% 27292It is not enough to have great qualities, 27293we should also have the management of them. 27294 -- La Rochefoucauld 27295% 27296It is not every question that deserves an answer. 27297 -- Publilius Syrus 27298% 27299It is not for me to attempt to fathom the 27300inscrutable workings of Providence. 27301 -- The Earl of Birkenhead 27302% 27303It is not good for a man to be without knowledge, 27304and he who makes haste with his feet misses his way. 27305 -- Proverbs 19:2 27306% 27307It is not necessary to inquire whether a woman would like something for 27308dessert. The answer is yes, she would like something for dessert, but 27309she would like you to order it so she can pick at it with your fork. She 27310does not want you to call attention to this by saying, 'If you wanted a 27311dessert, why didn't you order one?' You must understand, she has the 27312dessert she wants. The dessert she wants is contained within yours. 27313 -- Merrill Marcoe, "An Insider's Guide to the American Woman" 27314% 27315It is not that polar co-ordinates are complicated, it is simply 27316that cartesian co-ordinates are simpler than they have a right to be. 27317 -- Kleppner & Kolenhow, "An Introduction to Mechanics" 27318% 27319It is not the critic who counts, or how the strong man stumbled, or whether 27320the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the 27321man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and 27322blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again; who 27323knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, and who spends himself in a 27324worthy cause, and if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that 27325he'll never be with those cold and timid souls who never know either victory 27326or defeat. 27327 -- Teddy Roosevelt 27328% 27329It is not true that life is one damn thing after 27330another -- it's one damn thing over and over. 27331 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay 27332% 27333It is November first 1940; in the famous sound stage of THE WIZARD OF OZ on 27334the MGM lot, a little man is lying face-up on the yellow brick road. His 27335wide eyes stare upward into the blinding stage lights. He is wearing a 27336kind of comic soldier's uniform with a yellow coat and puffy sleeves and 27337big fez-like blue and yellow hat with a feather on top. His yellow hair 27338and beard are the phony straw color of Hollywood. He could pass for some 27339kind of cute in the typical tinsel-town way if it wasn't for the knife 27340sticking out of his chest. *Someone had murdered a Munchkin.* 27341 -- Stuart Kaminsky, "Murder on the Yellow Brick Road" 27342% 27343It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is? 27344 -- Elizabeth Carpenter 27345% 27346It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit. 27347% 27348It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort 27349to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics and 27350chemistry. 27351 -- H.L. Mencken 27352% 27353It is often easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission. 27354 -- Grace Murray Hopper 27355% 27356It is one thing to praise discipline, and another to submit to it. 27357 -- Cervantes 27358% 27359It is only by risking our persons from one hour to another that we live 27360at all. And often enough our faith beforehand in an uncertified result 27361is the only thing that makes the result come true. 27362 -- William James 27363% 27364It is only with the heart one can see clearly; 27365what is essential is invisible to the eye. 27366 -- The Fox, 'The Little Prince" 27367% 27368It is possible by ingenuity and at the expense of clarity... {to do almost 27369anything in any language}. However, the fact that it is possible to push 27370a pea up a mountain with your nose does not mean that this is a sensible 27371way of getting it there. Each of these techniques of language extension 27372should be used in its proper place. 27373 -- Christopher Strachey 27374% 27375It is possible that blondes also prefer gentlemen. 27376 -- Maimie Van Doren 27377% 27378It is practically impossible to teach good programming to students that 27379have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are 27380mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration. 27381 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 27382% 27383It is ridiculous to call this an industry. This is not. This is rat eat 27384rat, dog eat dog. I'll kill 'em, and I'm going to kill 'em before they 27385kill me. You're talking about the American way of survival of the fittest. 27386 -- Ray Kroc, founder of McDonald's 27387% 27388It is right that he too should have his little chronicle, his memories, 27389his reason, and be able to recognize the good in the bad, the bad in the 27390worst, and so grow gently old all down the unchanging days and die one 27391day like any other day, only shorter. 27392 -- Samuel Beckett, "Malone Dies" 27393% 27394It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a 27395sentence to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate 27396in all times and situations. They presented him the words: "And this, 27397too, shall pass away." 27398 -- A. Lincoln 27399% 27400It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the 27401lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as 27402high as the eagle? 27403% 27404It is so soon that I am done for, I wonder what I was begun for. 27405 -- Epitaph, Cheltenham Churchyard 27406% 27407It is so stupid of modern civilisation to have given up believing in the 27408devil when he is the only explanation of it. 27409 -- Ronald Knox, "Let Dons Delight" 27410% 27411It is so very hard to be an on-your-own-take-care-of- 27412yourself-because-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you grown up. 27413% 27414It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a 27415statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious 27416to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look, 27417which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the day, that is the 27418highest of arts. Every man is tasked to make his life, even in its details, 27419worthy of the contemplation of his most elevated and critical hour. 27420 -- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live" 27421% 27422It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion. 27423 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 27424% 27425It is the business of little minds to shrink. 27426 -- Carl Sandburg 27427% 27428It is the business of the future to be dangerous. 27429 -- Hawkwind 27430% 27431It is the nature of extreme self-lovers, as they will 27432set an house on fire, and it were but to roast their eggs. 27433 -- Francis Bacon 27434% 27435It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters. 27436 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca 27437% 27438It is the wisdom of crocodiles, that shed tears when they would devour. 27439 -- Francis Bacon 27440% 27441It is the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree. 27442% 27443It is through symbols that man consciously or unconsciously 27444lives, works and has his being. 27445 -- Thomas Carlyle 27446% 27447It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for five 27448straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity. But it takes 27449Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you. 27450% 27451It is up to us to produce better-quality movies. 27452 -- Lloyd Kaufman, 27453 producer of "Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator" 27454% 27455It is very vulgar to talk like a dentist when one isn't a dentist. 27456It produces a false impression. 27457 -- Oscar Wilde. 27458% 27459It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure. 27460 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 27461% 27462It is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final. 27463 -- Roger Babson 27464% 27465It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire. 27466 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 27467% 27468It isn't easy being a Friday kind of person in a Monday kind of world. 27469% 27470It isn't easy being green. 27471 -- Kermit the Frog 27472% 27473It isn't easy being the parent of a six-year-old. However, it's a pretty 27474small price to pay for having somebody around the house who understands 27475computers. 27476% 27477It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be 27478unhappy. 27479 -- Groucho Marx 27480% 27481It isn't whether you win or lose, it's how much money you end up with. 27482 -- Jack T. Shakespeare 27483% 27484It just doesn't seem right to go over the river and through the woods 27485to Grandmother's condo. 27486% 27487It looked like something resembling white marble, which was 27488probably what it was: something resembling white marble. 27489 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy" 27490% 27491It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out. 27492% 27493It looks like it's up to me to save our skins. 27494Get into that garbage chute, flyboy! 27495 -- Princess Leia Organa 27496% 27497IT MAKES ME MAD when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about 27498a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw 27499that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish." 27500 27501Sure they eat fish if that's all you give them! Man, wise up. 27502 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 27503% 27504It [marriage] happens as with cages: the birds without despair 27505to get in, and those within despair of getting out. 27506 -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne 27507% 27508It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether *I* win 27509or lose. 27510 -- Darrin Weinberg 27511% 27512It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is 27513better still to be a live lion. And usually easier. 27514 -- Lazarus Long 27515% 27516It may be that your whole purpose in life 27517is simply to serve as a warning to others. 27518% 27519It may or may not be worthwhile, but it still has to be done. 27520% 27521It must be remembered that there is nothing more difficult to plan, more 27522doubtful of success, nor more dangerous to manage, than the creation of 27523a new system. For the initiator has the emnity of all who would profit 27524by the preservation of the old institutions and merely lukewarm defenders 27525in those who would gain by the new ones. 27526 -- Niccolo Machiavelli, 1513 27527% 27528It must have been some unmarried fool that said "A child can ask questions 27529that a wise man cannot answer"; because, in any decent house, a brat that 27530starts asking questions is promptly packed off to bed. 27531 -- Arthur Binstead 27532% 27533It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father. 27534% 27535It occurred to me lately that nothing has occurred to me lately. 27536% 27537It pays in England to be a revolutionary and a bible-smacker most of 27538one's life and then come round. 27539 -- Lord Alfred Douglas 27540% 27541It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety. 27542% 27543It proves what they say, give the public what they want to see and 27544they'll come out for it. 27545 -- Red Skelton, surveying the funeral of Hollywood mogul 27546 Harry Cohn 27547% 27548It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones 27549slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much 27550more. 27551 -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects" 27552% 27553It seems a little silly now, but this country 27554was founded as a protest against taxation. 27555% 27556It seems appropriate to me that Mapplethorpe's perverse images should 27557be situated so close to Congress, which perpetuates a number of 27558unnatural acts upon the body politic every day, without benefit of 27559artificial lubrication or foreplay. 27560 -- Pat Calafia's review of Camille Paglia's 27561 "Sex, Art and American Culture" 27562% 27563It seems intuitively obvious to me, which means that it might be wrong. 27564 -- Chris Torek 27565% 27566It seems that more and more mathematicians are using a new, high level 27567language named "research student". 27568% 27569It seems to make an auto driver mad if he misses you. 27570% 27571It seems to me that nearly every woman I know wants a man who knows how 27572to love with authority. Women are simple souls who like simple things, 27573and one of the simplest is one of the simplest to give. ... Our family 27574airedale will come clear across the yard for one pat on the head. The 27575average wife is like that. 27576 -- Episcopal Bishop James Pike 27577% 27578It takes a smart husband to have the last word and not use it. 27579% 27580It takes a special kind of courage to face what we all have to face. 27581% 27582It takes all kinds to fill the freeways. 27583 -- Crazy Charlie 27584% 27585It takes both a weapon, and two people, to commit a murder. 27586% 27587It takes less time to do a thing right 27588than it does to explain why you did it wrong. 27589 -- H.W. Longfellow 27590% 27591It takes two to tell the truth: one to speak and one to hear. 27592% 27593It took a while to surface, but it appears that a long-distance credit card 27594may have saved a U.S. Army unit from heavy casualties during the Grenada 27595military rescue/invasion. Major General David Nichols, Air Force ... said 27596the Army unit was in a house surrounded by Cuban forces. One soldier found 27597a telephone and, using his credit card, called Ft. Bragg, N.C., telling Army 27598officiers there of the perilous situation. The officers in turn called the 27599Air Force, which sent in gunships to scatter the Cubans and relieve the unit. 27600 -- Aviation Week and Space Technology 27601% 27602It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, 27603but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous. 27604 -- Robert Benchley 27605% 27606It turned out that the worm exploited three or four different holes in the 27607system. From this, and the fact that we were able to capture and examine 27608some of the source code, we realized that we were dealing with someone very 27609sharp, probably not someone here on campus. 27610 -- Dr. Richard LeBlanc, associate professor of ICS, in 27611 Georgia Tech's campus newspaper after the Internet worm. 27612% 27613It used to be the fun was in 27614The capture and kill. 27615In another place and time 27616I did it all for thrills. 27617 -- Lust to Love 27618% 27619It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. 27620 -- Mark Twain 27621% 27622It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead. 27623% 27624It was a brave man that ate the first oyster. 27625% 27626It was a fine, sweet night, the nicest since my divorce, maybe the nicest 27627since the middle of my marriage. There was energy, softness, grace and 27628laughter. I even took my socks off. In my circle, that means class. 27629 -- Andrew Bergman "The Big Kiss-off of 1944" 27630% 27631It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country. The Greeks 27632never said it was sweet to die for anything. They had no vital lies. 27633 -- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way" 27634% 27635It was all so different before everything changed. 27636% 27637It was kinda like stuffing the wrong card in a computer, 27638when you're stickin' those artificial stimulants in your arm. 27639 -- Dion, noted computer scientist 27640% 27641It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a breeze 27642was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was broken ... 27643 --- James Dent 27644% 27645It was one time too many 27646One word too few 27647It was all too much for me and you 27648There was one way to go 27649Nothing more we could do 27650One time too many 27651One word too few 27652 -- Meredith Tanner 27653% 27654It was Penguin lust... at its ugliest. 27655% 27656It was pity stayed his hand. "Pity I don't have any more bullets," 27657thought Frito. 27658 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 27659% 27660It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps 27661I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I 27662don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and 27663the signature (which I guessed at). There's a singular and a perpetual 27664charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its 27665novelty. Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but 27666yours are kept forever -- unread. One of them will last a reasonable 27667man a lifetime. 27668 -- Thomas Aldrich 27669% 27670It was raining heavily, and the motorist had car trouble on a lonely country 27671road. Anxious to find shelter for the night, he walked over to a farmhouse 27672and knocked on the front door. No one responded. He could feel the water 27673from the roof running down the back of his neck as he stood on the stoop. 27674The next time he knocked louder, but still no answer. By now he was soaked 27675to the skin. Desperately he pounded on the door. At last the head of a 27676man appeared out of an upstairs window. 27677 "What do you want?" he asked gruffly. 27678 "My car broke down," said the traveler, "and I want to know if you 27679would let me stay here for the night." 27680 "Sure," replied the man. "If you want to stay there all night, it's 27681okay with me." 27682% 27683It was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline. 27684Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top. 27685 -- Hunter S. Thompson 27686% 27687It was wonderful to find America, but it 27688would have been more wonderful to miss it. 27689 -- Mark Twain 27690% 27691It wasn't exactly a divorce -- I was traded. 27692 -- Tim Conway 27693% 27694It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly. 27695It was more like the rose and the teeth were in the same glass. 27696% 27697It would be nice to be sure of anything 27698the way some people are of everything. 27699% 27700It would save me a lot of time if you just gave up and went mad now. 27701% 27702italic, adj: 27703 Slanted to the right to emphasize key phrases. Unique to 27704 Western alphabets; in Eastern languages, the same phrases 27705 are often slanted to the left. 27706% 27707It'll be a nice world if they ever get it finished. 27708% 27709It'll be just like Beggars Canyon back home. 27710 -- Luke Skywalker 27711% 27712It's a .88 magnum -- it goes through schools. 27713 -- Danny Vermin 27714% 27715It's a brave man who, when things are at their darkest, can kick back 27716and party! 27717 -- Dennis Quaid, "Inner Space" 27718% 27719It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word. 27720 -- Andrew Jackson 27721% 27722It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone underware. 27723 -- Cheers 27724% 27725It's a naive, domestic operating system without any 27726breeding, but I think you'll be amused by its presumption. 27727% 27728It's a poor workman who blames his tools. 27729% 27730It's a recession when your neighbour loses his job; it's a depression 27731when you lose yours. 27732 -- Harry S. Truman 27733% 27734It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. 27735 -- Steven Wright 27736% 27737It's all in the mind, ya know. 27738% 27739It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back. 27740 -- Mick Jagger 27741% 27742"It's all so painfully empty and lonesome... I don't think I can stand 27743any more of it... the whole dreadful way we are born, die, and are 27744never missed. The fact there is *nobody*... nobody really... We come 27745out of a yawning tomb of flesh and sink back finally into another tomb. 27746What is the point of it all? Who thought up this sickening circle of 27747flesh and blood? We come into the world bleeding and cut and our bones 27748half-crushed only to emerge and suffer more torment, multilation, and 27749then at the last lie down in some hole in the ground forever. Who could 27750have thought it up, I wonder?" 27751 -- James Purdy 27752% 27753It's always darkest just before the lights go out. 27754 -- Alex Clark 27755% 27756It's amazing how many people you could be friends 27757with if only they'd make the first approach. 27758% 27759It's amazing how much better you feel once you've given up hope. 27760% 27761It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired. 27762% 27763It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away. 27764 -- Michael Arlen 27765% 27766It's bad enough that life is a rat-race, 27767but why do the rats always have to win? 27768% 27769It's better to be quotable than to be honest. 27770 -- Tom Stoppard 27771% 27772It's better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all. 27773 -- Marty Winch 27774% 27775It's better to burn out than it is to rust. 27776% 27777It's better to burn out than to fade away. 27778% 27779It's better to have loved and lost -- much better. 27780% 27781It's business doing pleasure with you. 27782% 27783It's clever, but is it art? 27784% 27785It's difficult to see the picture when you are inside the frame. 27786% 27787"It's easier said than done." 27788 27789... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than 27790said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than 27791said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than 27792done". 27793% 27794It's easier to be a liberal a long way from home. 27795 -- Don Price 27796% 27797It's easier to get forgiveness for being 27798wrong than forgiveness for being right. 27799% 27800It's easier to take it apart than to put it back together. 27801 -- Washlesky 27802% 27803It's easy to forgive someone for being wrong; 27804it's much harder to forgive them for being right. 27805% 27806It's easy to make a friend. What's hard is to make a stranger. 27807% 27808It's fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an hour! 27809 -- Macy's 27810% 27811Its failings notwithstanding, there is much to be said in favor of journalism 27812in that by giving us the opinion of the uneducated, it keeps us in touch with 27813the ignorance of the community. 27814 -- Oscar Wilde 27815% 27816It's faster horses, 27817Younger women, 27818Older whiskey and 27819More money. 27820 -- Tom T. Hall, "The Secret of Life" 27821% 27822It's from Casablanca. I've been waiting all my life to use that line. 27823 -- Woody Allen, "Play It Again, Sam" 27824% 27825It's getting uncommonly easy to kill people in large numbers, and the 27826first thing a principle does -- if it really is a principle -- is to 27827kill somebody. 27828 -- Dorothy Sayers 27829% 27830It's gonna be alright, 27831It's almost midnight, 27832And I've got two more bottles of wine. 27833% 27834It's hard not to like a man of many qualities, 27835even if most of them are bad. 27836% 27837It's hard to argue that God hated Oklahoma. 27838If He didn't, why is it so close to Texas? 27839% 27840It's hard to be humble when you're perfect. 27841% 27842It's hard to drive at the limit, but 27843it's harder to know where the limits are. 27844 -- Stirling Moss 27845% 27846It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa. 27847 -- Groucho Marx 27848% 27849It's hard to keep your shirt on when 27850you're getting something off your chest. 27851% 27852It's hard to outrun dead people because they don't have to breathe. 27853 -- Hokey, describing "Night of the Living Dead" 27854% 27855It's hard to think of you as the end 27856result of millions of years of evolution. 27857% 27858It's important that people know what you stand for. 27859It's more important that they know what you won't stand for. 27860% 27861It's interesting to think that many quite 27862distinguished people have bodies similar to yours. 27863% 27864It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is. 27865If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't 27866our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs. 27867 -- Oxford University Press, "Edpress News" 27868% 27869It's just apartment house rules, 27870So all you 'partment house fools 27871Remember: one man's ceiling is another man's floor. 27872One man's ceiling is another man's floor. 27873 -- Paul Simon, "One Man's Ceiling Is Another Man's Floor" 27874% 27875It's later than you think. 27876% 27877It's later than you think, the joint 27878Russian-American space mission has already begun. 27879% 27880It's like deja vu all over again. 27881 -- Yogi Berra 27882% 27883It's Like This 27884 27885Even the samurai 27886have teddy bears, 27887and even the teddy bears 27888get drunk. 27889% 27890It's lucky you're going so slowly, because 27891you're going in the wrong direction. 27892% 27893It's multiple choice time... 27894 27895 What is FORTRAN? 27896 27897 a: Between thre and fiv tran. 27898 b: What two computers engage in before they interface. 27899 c: Ridiculous. 27900% 27901Its name is Public Opinion. It is held in reverence. 27902It settles everything. Some think it is the voice of God. 27903 -- Mark Twain 27904% 27905It's never too late to have a happy childhood. 27906% 27907It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding 27908a sickness you like. 27909 -- Jackie Mason 27910% 27911It's no use crying over spilt milk -- it only makes it salty for the cat. 27912% 27913It's not against any religion to want to dispose of a pigeon. 27914 -- Tom Lehrer 27915% 27916It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. 27917 -- Phil White 27918% 27919It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either. 27920 -- Kevin White, Mayor of Boston 27921% 27922It's not easy being green. 27923 -- Kermit 27924% 27925It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too. 27926 -- Alexander Korda 27927% 27928It's not hard to admit errors that are [only] cosmetically wrong. 27929 -- J.K. Galbraith 27930% 27931It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things. 27932% 27933It's not that I'm afraid to die. 27934I just don't want to be there when it happens. 27935 -- Woody Allen 27936% 27937It's not the fall that kills you, it's the landing. 27938% 27939It's not the men in my life, but the life in my men that counts. 27940 -- Mae West 27941% 27942It's not whether you win or lose but how you look playing the game. 27943% 27944It's not whether you win or lose but how you played the game. 27945 -- Grantland Rice 27946% 27947It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you look playing the game. 27948% 27949It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame. 27950% 27951It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that English is 27952the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many other languages 27953"You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case. 27954 -- Sydney J. Harris 27955% 27956It's only by NOT taking the human race seriously that I retain 27957what fragments of my once considerable mental powers I still possess. 27958 -- Roger Noe 27959% 27960It's our fault. We should have given him better parts. 27961 -- Jack Warner, on hearing that Reagan had been 27962 elected governor of California. 27963 27964[Warner is also reported to have said, when told of Reagan's candidacy 27965for governor, "No, Jimmy Stewart for Governor; Reagan for best friend."] 27966% 27967It's possible that the whole purpose of your life is to serve 27968as a warning to others. 27969% 27970It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; 27971poverty and wealth have both failed. 27972 -- Kim Hubbard 27973% 27974It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles. 27975% 27976It's reassuring to know that if you behave strangely enough, 27977society will take full responsibility for you. 27978% 27979It's recently come to Fortune's attention that scientists have stopped 27980using laboratory rats in favor of attorneys. Seems that there are not 27981only more of them, but you don't get so emotionally attached. The only 27982difficulty is that it's sometimes difficult to apply the experimental 27983results to humans. 27984 27985 [Also, there are some things even a rat won't do. Ed.] 27986% 27987It's so beautifully arranged on the plate -- you know someone's fingers 27988have been all over it. 27989 -- Julia Child on nouvelle cuisine. 27990% 27991It's so confusing choosing sides in the heat of the moment, 27992 just to see if it's real, 27993Oooh, it's so erotic having you tell me how it should feel, 27994But I'm avoiding all the hard cold facts that I got to face, 27995So ask me just one question when this magic night is through, 27996Could it have been just anyone or did it have to be you? 27997 -- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses" 27998% 27999It's so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the 28000Devil when he is the only explanation for it. 28001% 28002It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten. 28003% 28004It's ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are? 28005% 28006It's the good girls who keep the diaries, the bad girls never have the time. 28007 -- Tallulah Bankhead 28008% 28009It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which raises 28010the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody not to. 28011 -- Franklin P. Jones 28012% 28013It's the same old story; boy meets beer, boy drinks beer... 28014boy gets another beer. 28015 -- Cheers 28016% 28017"It's today!" said Piglet. 28018"My favorite day," said Pooh. 28019% 28020It's useless to try to hold some people to anything they say while they're 28021madly in love, drunk, or running for office. 28022% 28023It's very glamorous to raise millions of dollars, until it's time for the 28024venture capitalist to suck your eyeballs out. 28025 -- Peter Kennedy, chairman of Kraft & Kennedy. 28026% 28027It's very inconvenient to be mortal -- you never 28028know when everything may suddenly stop happening. 28029% 28030IV. The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or 28031 equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to 28032 spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. 28033 Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it 28034 inevitably unsuccessful. 28035 V. All principles of gravity are negated by fear. 28036 Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel 28037 them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an 28038 adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to 28039 the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. 28040 The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding 28041 auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight. 28042VI. As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once. 28043 This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a 28044 character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of 28045 altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common 28046 as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A "wacky" 28047 character has the option of self-replication only at manic high 28048 speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required. 28049 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980 28050% 28051I've already told you more than I know. 28052% 28053I've always considered statesmen to be more expendable than soldiers. 28054% 28055I've always felt sorry for people that don't drink -- remember, 28056when they wake up, that's as good as they're gonna feel all day! 28057% 28058I've always made it a solemn practice to never 28059drink anything stronger than tequila before breakfast. 28060 -- R. Nesson 28061% 28062I've been in more laps than a napkin. 28063 -- Mae West 28064% 28065I've Been Moved! 28066% 28067I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks. 28068 -- Totie Fields 28069% 28070I've been on this lonely road so long, 28071Does anybody know where it goes, 28072I remember last time the signs pointed home, 28073A month ago. 28074 -- Carpenters, "Road Ode" 28075% 28076I've been there. 28077% 28078I've built a better model than the one at Data General 28079For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral 28080My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality; 28081My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality. 28082My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity, 28083You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity; 28084There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting; 28085My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting. 28086 28087I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point: 28088There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point, 28089Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral 28090I've built a better model than the one at Data General. 28091 28092 -- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song", (To the tune of 28093 "Modern Major General") 28094% 28095I've finally learned what "upward compatible" means. 28096It means we get to keep all our old mistakes. 28097 -- Dennie van Tassel 28098% 28099I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself. 28100% 28101I've got a very bad feeling about this. 28102 -- Han Solo 28103% 28104I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock. 28105 -- Henny Youngman 28106% 28107I've got some powdered water, but I don't know what to add. 28108 -- Stephen Wright 28109% 28110I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. 28111 -- Groucho Marx 28112% 28113I've had one child. My husband wants to have another. 28114I'd like to watch him have another. 28115% 28116I've looked at the listing, and it's right! 28117 -- Joel Halpern. 28118% 28119I've never been canoeing before, but I imagine there must 28120be just a few simple heuristics you have to remember... 28121 28122Yes, don't fall out, and don't hit rocks. 28123% 28124I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved. 28125 -- George Gobel 28126% 28127I've never been hurt by anything I didn't say. 28128 -- Calvin Coolidge 28129% 28130I've never had a problem with drugs; I've had problems with the police. 28131 -- Keith Richards 28132 28133I never turn blue in anyone's bathroom. I think that's the height of 28134bad taste. 28135 -- Keith Richards 28136% 28137I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother. 28138 -- W.C. Fields 28139% 28140I've noticed several design suggestions in your code. 28141% 28142I've only got 12 cards. 28143% 28144I've spent almost all of my life with highly intelligent men. They're not 28145like other men. Their spirit is great and stimulating. They hate strife; 28146indeed they reject it. Their inventive gifts are boundless. They demand 28147devotion and obedience. And a sense of humor. I happily gave all of this. 28148I was lucky to be chosen and clever enough to understand them. 28149 -- Marlene Dietrich, on her friendship with Ernest Hemingway 28150% 28151I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes 28152me claustrophobic, and the others either give me a stiff neck or lockjaw. 28153 -- Tallulah Bankhead 28154% 28155Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government: 28156 No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the 28157 legislature is in session. 28158% 28159jake hates 28160 all the girls(the 28161shy ones, the bold paul scorns all 28162ones; the meek the girls(the 28163proud sloppy sleek) bright ones, the dim 28164all except the cold ones; the slim 28165 ones plump tiny tall) 28166 all except the 28167 dull ones 28168gus loves all the 28169 girls(the 28170warped ones, the lamed mike likes all the girls 28171ones; the mad (the 28172moronic maimed) fat ones, the lean 28173all except ones; the mean 28174 the dead ones kind dirty clean) 28175 all 28176 except the green ones 28177 -- e e cummings 28178% 28179James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother") failure in his 28180West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to remark in later life, 28181"If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a major general." 28182% 28183Jane and I got mixed up with a television show -- or as we call it back 28184east here: TV -- a clever contraction derived from the words Terrible 28185Vaudeville. However, it is our latest medium -- we call it a medium 28186because nothing's well done. It was discovered, I suppose you've heard, 28187by a man named Fulton Berle, and it has already revolutionized social 28188grace by cutting down parlour conversation to two sentences: "What's on 28189television?" and "Good night". 28190 -- Goodman Ace, letter to Groucho Marx, in The Groucho 28191 Letters, 1967 28192% 28193Japan, n: 28194 A fictional place where elves, gnomes and economic imperialists 28195 create electronic equipment and computers using black magic. It 28196 is said that in the capital city of Akihabara, the streets are 28197 paved with gold and semiconductor chips grow on low bushes from 28198 which they are harvested by the happy natives. 28199% 28200Jealousy is all the fun you think they have. 28201% 28202Jenkinson's Law: 28203 It won't work. 28204% 28205Jim, it's Grace at the bank. I checked your Christmas Club account. 28206You don't have five-hundred dollars. You have fifty. Sorry, computer foul-up! 28207% 28208Jim, it's Jack. I'm at the airport. I'm going to Tokyo and wanna pay 28209you the five-hundred I owe you. Catch you next year when I get back! 28210% 28211Jim Nasium's Law: 28212 In a large locker room with hundreds of lockers, the few people 28213 using the facility at any one time will all have lockers next to 28214 each other so that everybody is cramped. 28215% 28216Jim, this is Janelle. I'm flying tonight, so I can't make our date, and 28217I gotta find a safe place for Daffy. He loves you, Jim! It's only two 28218days, and you'll see. Great Danes are no problem! 28219% 28220Jim, this is Matty down at Ralph's and Mark's. Some guy named Angel 28221Martin just ran up a fifty buck bar tab. And now he wants to charge it 28222to you. You gonna pay it? 28223% 28224JOB INTERVIEW: 28225 The excruciating process during which personnel officers 28226 separate the wheat from the chaff -- then hire the chaff. 28227% 28228job Placement, n: 28229 Telling your boss what he can do with your job. 28230% 28231Joe Cool always spends the first two weeks at college sailing his frisbee. 28232 -- Snoopy 28233% 28234Joe sat as his dying wife's bedside. 28235Her voice was little more than a whisper. 28236 "Joe, darling," she breathed, "I've got a confession to make 28237before I go. I ... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe... 28238I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Charles. And it was I who 28239forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported 28240your income-tax evasion to the I.R.S..." 28241 "That's all right, dearest, don't give it a second thought," 28242whispered Joe. "I'm the one who poisoned you." 28243% 28244Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes! 28245% 28246jogger, n: 28247 An odd sort of person with a thing for pain. 28248% 28249John Dame May Oscar 28250Was Gay Was Whitty Was Wilde 28251But Gerard Hopkins But John Greenleaf But Thornton 28252Was Manley Was Whittier Was Wilder 28253 -- Willard Espy 28254% 28255John Birch Society: 28256 That pathetic manifestation of organized apoplexy. 28257 -- Edward P. Morgan 28258% 28259JOHN PAUL ELECTED POPE!! 28260 28261(George and Ringo miffed.) 28262% 28263John the Baptist after poisoning a thief, 28264Looks up at his hero, the Commander-in-Chief, 28265Saying tell me great leader, but please make it brief 28266Is there a hole for me to get sick in? 28267The Commander-in-Chief answers him while chasing a fly, 28268Saying death to all those who would whimper and cry. 28269And dropping a barbell he points to the sky, 28270Saying the sun is not yellow, it's chicken. 28271 -- Bob Dylan, "Tombstone Blues" 28272% 28273Johnny Carson's Definition: 28274 The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs 28275 in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the 28276 taxi driver behind you blowing his horn. 28277% 28278Johnson's First Law: 28279 When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the 28280 most inconvenient possible time. 28281% 28282Johnson's law: 28283 Systems resemble the organizations that create them. 28284% 28285Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called "Bureaucracy". 28286Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do anything loses. 28287% 28288Join the army, see the world, meet interesting, 28289exciting people, and kill them. 28290% 28291Join the Navy; sail to far-off exotic lands, 28292meet exciting interesting people, and kill them. 28293% 28294Jones' First Law: 28295 Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of 28296 endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an 28297 obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the 28298 importance of their original contribution. 28299% 28300Jones' Second Law: 28301 The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone 28302 to blame it on. 28303% 28304Joshu: What is the true Way? 28305Nansen: Every way is the true Way. 28306J: Can I study it? 28307N: The more you study, the further from the Way. 28308J: If I don't study it, how can I know it? 28309N: The Way does not belong to things seen: nor to things unseen. 28310 It does not belong to things known: nor to things unknown. Do 28311 not seek it, study it, or name it. To find yourself on it, open 28312 yourself as wide as the sky. 28313% 28314Journalism is literature in a hurry. 28315 -- Matthew Arnold 28316% 28317Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you're at it. 28318% 28319Juall's Law on Nice Guys: 28320 Nice guys don't always finish last; sometimes they don't finish. 28321 Sometimes they don't even get a chance to start! 28322% 28323Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that 28324reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away 28325someone else's cash. 28326 -- P.G. Wodehouse, "Louder and Funnier" 28327% 28328Just a few of the perfect excuses for having some strawberry shortcake. 28329Pick one. 28330 283311: It's less calories than two pieces of strawberry shortcake. 283322: It's cheaper than going to France. 283333: It neutralizes the brownies I had yesterday. 283344: Life is short. 283355: It's somebody's birthday. I don't want them to celebrate alone. 283366: It matches my eyes. 283377: Whoever said, "Let them eat cake." must have been talking to me. 283388: To punish myself for eating dessert yesterday. 283399: Compensation for all the time I spend in the shower not eating. 2834010: Strawberry shortcake is evil. I must help rid the world of it. 2834111: I'm getting weak from eating all that healthy stuff. 2834212: It's the second anniversary of the night I ate plain broccoli. 28343% 28344Just a song before I go, Going through security 28345To whom it may concern, I held her for so long. 28346Traveling twice the speed of sound She finally looked at me in love, 28347It's easy to get burned. And she was gone. 28348When the shows were over Just a song before I go, 28349We had to get back home, A lesson to be learned. 28350And when we opened up the door Traveling twice the speed of sound 28351I had to be alone. It's easy to get burned. 28352She helped me with my suitcase, 28353She stands before my eyes, 28354Driving me to the airport 28355And to the friendly skies. 28356 -- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Just a Song Before I Go" 28357% 28358Just as I cannot remember any time when I could not read and write, I cannot 28359remember any time when I did not exercise my imagination in daydreams about 28360women. 28361 -- G.B. Shaw 28362% 28363Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good solutions 28364seldom black or white. Beware of the solution that requires one side to be 28365totally the loser and the other side to be totally the winner. The reason 28366there are two sides to begin with usually is because neither side has all 28367the facts. Therefore, when the wise mediator effects a compromise, he is 28368not acting from political motivation. Rather, he is acting from a deep 28369sense of respect for the whole truth. 28370 -- Stephen R. Schwambach 28371% 28372Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed. 28373 -- Irene Peter 28374% 28375Just because he's dead is no reason to lay off work. 28376% 28377Just because I turn down a contract on a guy doesn't mean he isn't 28378going to get hit. 28379 -- Joey 28380% 28381Just because the message may never be 28382received does not mean it is not worth sending. 28383% 28384Just because they are called 'forbidden' transitions does not mean that they 28385are forbidden. They are less allowed than allowed transitions, if you see 28386what I mean. 28387 -- From a Part 2 Quantum Mechanics lecture. 28388% 28389Just because you like my stuff doesn't mean I owe you anything. 28390 -- Bob Dylan 28391% 28392Just because your doctor has a name for your 28393condition doesn't mean he knows what it is. 28394% 28395Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you. 28396% 28397Just close your eyes, tap your heels together three times, 28398and think to yourself, `There's no place like home.' 28399 -- Glynda 28400% 28401Just give Alice some pencils and she will stay busy for hours. 28402% 28403Just how difficult it is to write biography can be reckoned by anybody 28404who sits down and considers just how many people know the real truth 28405about his or her love affairs. 28406 -- Rebecca West 28407% 28408Just machines to make big decisions, 28409Programmed by men for compassion and vision, 28410We'll be clean when their work is done, 28411We'll be eternally free, yes, eternally young, 28412What a beautiful world this will be, 28413What a glorious time to be free. 28414 -- Donald Fagon, "What A Beautiful World" 28415% 28416Just once, I wish we would encounter 28417an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets. 28418 -- The Brigader, "Dr. Who" 28419% 28420Just remember, wherever you go, there you are. 28421 -- Buckeroo Banzai 28422% 28423`Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried, 28424 As he landed his crew with care; 28425Supporting each man on the top of the tide 28426 By a finger entwined in his hair. 28427 28428`Just the place for a Snark! I have said it twice: 28429 That alone should encourage the crew. 28430Just the place for a Snark! I have said it thrice: 28431 What I tell you three times is true.' 28432% 28433Just to have it is enough. 28434% 28435Just weigh your own hurt against the hurt 28436of all the others, and then do what's best. 28437 -- Lovers and Other Strangers 28438% 28439Just what does "it" mean in the sentence, "What time is it?" 28440% 28441Just yesterday morning, they let me know you were gone, 28442Suzanne, the plans they made put an end to you, 28443I went out this morning and I wrote down this song, 28444Just can't remember who to send it to... 28445 28446Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain, 28447I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end, 28448I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend, 28449But I always thought that I'd see you again. 28450Thought I'd see you one more time again. 28451 -- James Taylor, "Fire and Rain" 28452% 28453JUSTICE: 28454 A decision in your favor. 28455% 28456Justice is incidental to law and order. 28457 -- J. Edgar Hoover 28458% 28459Justice, n: 28460 A decision in your favor. 28461% 28462Kafka's Law: 28463 In the fight between you and the world, back the world. 28464 -- Franz Kafka, "RS's 1974 Expectation of Days" 28465% 28466Kamikazes do it once. 28467% 28468KANSAS: 28469 Where the men are men and so are the women! 28470% 28471Karlson's Theorem of Snack Food Packages: 28472 28473For all P, where P is a package of snack food, P is a SINGLE-SERVING 28474package of snack food. 28475 28476Gibson the Cat's Corrolary: 28477 28478For all L, where L is a package of lunch meat, L is Gibson's package 28479of lunch meat. 28480% 28481Kath: Can he be present at the birth of his child? 28482Ed: It's all any reasonable child can expect if the dad is present 28483 at the conception. 28484 -- Joe Orton, "Entertaining Mr. Sloane" 28485% 28486Katz' Law: 28487 Men and nations will act rationally when 28488 all other possibilities have been exhausted. 28489 28490History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have 28491exhausted all other alternatives. 28492 -- Abba Eban 28493% 28494Kaufman's First Law of Party Physics: 28495 Population density is inversely proportional 28496 to the square of the distance from the keg. 28497% 28498Kaufman's Law: 28499 A policy is a restrictive document to prevent a recurrence 28500 of a single incident, in which that incident is never mentioned. 28501% 28502Keep a diary and one day it'll keep you. 28503 -- Mae West 28504% 28505Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans. 28506% 28507Keep ancient lands, your storied pomp! cries she 28508With silent lips. Give me your tired, your poor, 28509Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, 28510The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. 28511Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me... 28512 -- Emma Lazarus, "The New Colossus" 28513% 28514Keep cool, but don't freeze. 28515 -- Hellman's Mayonnaise 28516% 28517Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis. 28518% 28519Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo. 28520% 28521Keep in mind always the four constant Laws of Frisbee: 28522 1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc 28523 straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this 28524 force is technically termed "car suck"). 28525 2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive 28526 than "Watch this!" 28527 3) The probability of a Frisbee hitting something is directly 28528 proportional to the cost of hitting it. For instance, a 28529 Frisbee will always head directly towards a policeman or 28530 a little old lady rather than the beat up Chevy. 28531 4) Your best throw happens when no one is watching; when the 28532 cute girl you've been trying to impress is watching, the 28533 Frisbee will invariably bounce out of your hand or hit you 28534 in the head and knock you silly. 28535% 28536Keep it short for pithy sake. 28537% 28538Keep on keepin' on. 28539% 28540Keep patting your enemy on the back until a 28541small bullet hole appears between your fingers. 28542 -- Joe Bonanno 28543% 28544Keep the number of passes in a compiler to a minimum. 28545 -- D. Gries 28546% 28547Keep the phase, baby. 28548% 28549Keep up the good work! But please don't ask me to help. 28550% 28551Keep women you cannot. Marry them and they come to hate the way 28552you walk across the room; remain their lover, and they jilt you 28553at the end of six months. 28554 -- Moore 28555% 28556Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. 28557% 28558Keep your Eye on the Ball, 28559Your Shoulder to the Wheel, 28560Your Nose to the Grindstone, 28561Your Feet on the Ground, 28562Your Head on your Shoulders. 28563Now... try to get something DONE! 28564% 28565Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. 28566 -- Benjamin Franklin 28567% 28568Keep your laws off my body! 28569% 28570Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid; 28571Open it and you remove all doubt. 28572% 28573Kennedy's Market Theorem: 28574 Given enough inside information and unlimited credit, 28575 you've got to go broke. 28576% 28577Kent's Heuristic: 28578 Look for it first where you'd most like to find it. 28579% 28580kern, v: 28581 1. To pack type together as tightly as the kernels on an ear 28582 of corn. 2. In parts of Brooklyn and Queens, N.Y., a small, 28583 metal object used as part of the monetary system. 28584% 28585KERNEL: 28586 A part of an operating system that preserves the medieval 28587 traditions of sorcery and black art. 28588% 28589Kettering's Observation: 28590 Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence. 28591% 28592Kids always brighten up a house; mostly by leaving the lights on. 28593% 28594Kids have *never* taken guidance from their parents. If you could travel 28595back in time and observe the original primate family in the original tree, 28596you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate teenager for sitting 28597around and sulking all day instead of hunting for grubs and berries like 28598dad primate. Then you'd see the primate teenager stomp up to his branch 28599and slam the leaves. 28600 -- Dave Barry 28601% 28602Kill a commy for your mommy. 28603% 28604Kill 'em all, and let God sort 'em out. 28605% 28606Kill for the love of killing! Kill for the love of Kali! 28607 -- Hindu saying 28608% 28609Kill Kill, 28610Hate Hate, 28611Murder, Maim, and Mutilate! 28612% 28613Kill your parents. 28614 -- Jerry Rubin 28615% 28616Killing turkeys causes winter. 28617% 28618Kilroe hic erat! 28619% 28620Kime's Law for the Reward of Meekness: 28621 Turning the other cheek merely ensures two bruised cheeks. 28622% 28623KIN: 28624 An affliction of the blood. 28625% 28626Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read. 28627 -- Mark Twain 28628% 28629Kindness is the beginning of cruelty. 28630 -- Muad'dib 28631% 28632Kington's Law of Perforation: 28633 If a straight line of holes is made in a piece of paper, such 28634 as a sheet of stamps or a check, that line becomes the strongest 28635 part of the paper. 28636% 28637Kinkler's First Law: 28638 Responsibility always exceeds authority. 28639 28640Kinkler's Second Law: 28641 All the easy problems have been solved. 28642% 28643Kirk to Enterprise... 28644% 28645Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack. 28646% 28647Kiss a non-smoker; taste the difference. 28648% 28649Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday. 28650 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew" 28651% 28652Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic. 28653% 28654Kiss your keyboard goodbye! 28655% 28656Kissing a fish is like smoking a bicycle. 28657% 28658Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray. 28659% 28660Kissing don't last, cookery do. 28661 -- George Meredith 28662% 28663Kissing your hand may make you feel very good, but a diamond and 28664sapphire bracelet lasts for ever. 28665 -- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes" 28666% 28667Kitchen activity is highlighted. 28668Butter up a friend. 28669% 28670Kites rise highest against the wind -- not with it. 28671 -- Winston Churchill 28672% 28673Klatu barada nikto. 28674% 28675Kleeneness is next to Godelness. 28676% 28677Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within. 28678% 28679KLEPTOMANIAC: 28680 A rich thief. 28681% 28682Kliban's First Law of Dining: 28683 Never eat anything bigger than your head. 28684% 28685Klingon phaser attack from front!!!!! 28686100% Damage to life support!!!! 28687% 28688Kludge, n: 28689 An ill-assorted collection of poorly-matching parts, forming a 28690 distressing whole. 28691 -- Jackson Granholm, "Datamation" 28692% 28693Knebel's Law: 28694 It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading 28695 causes of statistics. 28696% 28697Knights are hardly worth it. 28698I mean, all that shell and so little meat... 28699% 28700Knock, knock! 28701 Who's there? 28702Sam and Janet. 28703 Sam and Janet who? 28704Sam and Janet Evening... 28705% 28706Knock Knock... (who's there?) Ether! (ether who?) Eather Bunny... Yea! 28707[chorus] 28708 Yeay! 28709 Stay on the Happy side, always on the happy side, 28710 Stay on the Happy side of life! 28711 Bum bum bum bum bum bum 28712 You will feel no pain, as we drive you insane, 28713 So Stay on the Happy Side of life! 28714 28715Knock Knock... (who's there?) Anna! (anna who?) 28716 An another eather bunny... [chorus] 28717Knock Knock... (who's there?) Stilla! (stilla who?) 28718 Still another ether bunny... [chorus] 28719Knock Knock... (who's there?) Yetta! (yetta who?) 28720 Yet another ether bunny... [chorus] 28721Knock Knock... (who's there?) Cargo! (cargo who?) 28722 Cargo beep beep and run over eather bunny... [chorus] 28723Knock Knock... (who's there?) Boo! (boo who?) 28724 Don't Cry! Eather bunny be back next year! [chorus] 28725% 28726Knocked, you weren't in. 28727 -- Opportunity 28728% 28729Know how to save 5 drowning lawyers? 28730 28731-- No? 28732 28733GOOD! 28734% 28735Know Thy User. 28736% 28737Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A. 28738% 28739Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions. 28740 -- Henry N. Camp 28741% 28742KNOWLEDGE: 28743 Things you believe. 28744% 28745Knowledge is power. 28746 -- Francis Bacon 28747% 28748Knowledge is power -- knowledge shared is power lost. 28749 -- Aleister Crowley 28750% 28751Knowledge without common sense is folly. 28752% 28753Knucklehead: "Knock, knock" 28754Pee Wee: "Who's there?" 28755Knucklehead: "Little ol' lady." 28756Pee Wee: "Liddle ol' lady who?" 28757Knucklehead: "I didn't know you could yodel" 28758% 28759Kramer's Law: 28760 You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks. 28761% 28762Kramer's Law: 28763You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track. 28764% 28765KROGT: 28766 (chemical symbol: Kr) The metallic silver coating found 28767 on fast-food game cards. 28768 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 28769% 28770LA: 28771 Where the only way to determine that the seasons have changed 28772 is to note that people have changed the main topic of conversation. 28773 From mud slides to brush fires. 28774% 28775Labor, n: 28776 One of the processes whereby A acquires property for B. 28777 -- Ambrose Bierce 28778% 28779Lack of capability is usually disguised by lack of interest. 28780% 28781Lack of money is the root of all evil. 28782 -- George Bernard Shaw 28783% 28784Lackland's Laws: 28785 1. Never be first. 28786 2. Never be last. 28787 3. Never volunteer for anything. 28788% 28789LACTOMANGULATION: 28790 Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly that 28791 one has to resort to using the "illegal" side. 28792 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 28793% 28794La-dee-dee, la-dee-dah. 28795% 28796Ladies and Gentlemen, Hobos and Tramps, 28797Cross-eyed mosquitos and bowlegged ants, 28798I come before you to stand behind you 28799To tell you of something I know nothing about. 28800Next Thursday (which is good Friday), 28801There will be a convention held in the 28802Women's Club which is strictly for Men. 28803Admission is free, pay at the door, 28804Pull up a chair, and sit on the floor. 28805It was a summer's day in winter, 28806And the snow was raining fast, 28807As a barefoot boy with shoes on, 28808Stood sitting in the grass. 28809Oh, that bright day in the dead of night, 28810Two dead men got up to fight. 28811Three blind men to see fair play, 28812Forty mutes to yell "Hooray"! 28813Back to back, they faced each other, 28814Drew their swords and shot each other. 28815A deaf policeman heard the noise, 28816Came and arrested those two dead boys. 28817% 28818Ladies, here's a hint: If you're playing against a friend who has big 28819boobs, bring her to the net and make her hit backhand volleys. That's 28820the hardest shot for the well endowed. "I've got to hit over them or 28821under them, but I can't hit through," Annie Jones used to always moan 28822to me. Not having much in my bra, I found it hard to sympathize with 28823her. 28824 -- Billie Jean King 28825% 28826Lady, lady, should you meet 28827One whose ways are all discreet, 28828One who murmurs that his wife 28829Is the lodestar of his life, 28830One who keeps assuring you 28831That he never was untrue, 28832Never loved another one... 28833Lady, lady, better run! 28834 -- Dorothy Parker, "Social Note" 28835% 28836Lady Luck brings added income today. 28837Lady friend takes it away tonight. 28838% 28839Lady Nancy Astor: 28840 "Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee." 28841Winston Churchill: 28842 "Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it." 28843 28844Lady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked her what 28845disguise she would recommend for him. She replied, "Why don't you come 28846sober, Mr. Prime Minister?" 28847 28848 During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a buffet 28849luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served. Returning for a second 28850helping, he asked politely, "May I have some breast?" 28851 "Mr. Churchill," replied the hostess, "in this country we ask for 28852white meat or dark meat." Churchill apologized profusely. 28853 The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid from 28854her guest of honor. The accompanying card read: "I would be most obliged if 28855you would pin this on your white meat." 28856% 28857Ladybug, ladybug, 28858Look to your stern! 28859Your house is on fire, 28860Your children will burn! 28861So jump ye and sing, for 28862The very first time 28863The four lines above 28864Have been put into rhyme. 28865 -- Walt Kelly 28866% 28867Laetrile is the pits. 28868% 28869Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if 28870each acts like a vulture, all will end as doves. 28871% 28872Lake Erie died for your sins. 28873% 28874((lambda (foo) (bar foo)) (baz)) 28875% 28876Lamonte Cranston once hired a new Chinese manservant. While describing his 28877duties to the new man, Lamonte pointed to a bowl of candy on the coffee 28878table and warned him that he was not to take any. Some days later, the new 28879manservant was cleaning up, with no one at home, and decided to sample some 28880of the candy. Just than, Cranston walked in, spied the manservant at the 28881candy, and said: 28882 "Pardon me Choy, is that the Shadow's nugate you chew?" 28883% 28884Language is a virus from another planet. 28885 -- William Burroughs 28886% 28887Lank: Here we go. We're about to set a new record. 28888Earl: (to the crowd) How about a date? 28889Lank: We've done it. Earl has set a new record. Turned down by 28890 20,000 women. 28891 -- Lank and Earl 28892% 28893Lansdale seized on the idea of using Nixon to build support for the 28894[Vietnamese] elections ... really honest elections, this time. "Oh, sure, 28895honest, yes, that's right," Nixon said, "so long as you win!" With that 28896he winked, drove his elbow into Lansdale's arm and slapped his own knee. 28897 -- Richard Nixon, quoted in "Sideshow" by W. Shawcross 28898% 28899Large increases in cost with questionable increases in 28900performance can be tolerated only in race horses and women. 28901 -- Lord Kalvin 28902% 28903Largest Number of Driving Test Failures 28904 By April 1970 Mrs. Miriam Hargrave had failed her test thirty-nine 28905times. In the eight preceding years she had received two hundred and 28906twelve driving lessons at a cost of L300. She set the new record while 28907driving triumphantly through a set of red traffic lights in Wakefield, 28908Yorkshire. Disappointingly, she passed at the fortieth attempt (3 August 289091970) but eight years later she showed some of her old magic when she was 28910reported as saying that she still didn't like doing right-hand turns. 28911 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 28912% 28913Larkinson's Law: 28914 All laws are basically false. 28915% 28916LASER: 28917 Failed death ray. 28918% 28919Last guys don't finish nice. 28920 -- Stanley Kelley, on the cult of victory at all costs 28921% 28922Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up 28923the pillow was gone. 28924 -- Tommy Cooper 28925% 28926Last night I met upon the stair 28927A little man who wasn't there. 28928He wasn't there again today. 28929Gee how I wish he'd go away! 28930% 28931Last night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a flash.... 28932The neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops. 28933 -- Stephen Wright 28934% 28935Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police record. 28936I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album. Cops have no sense of humor. 28937% 28938Last week's pet, this week's special. 28939% 28940Last year we drove across the country... We switched on the driving... 28941every half mile. We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip. 28942I don't remember what it was. 28943 -- Stephen Wright 28944% 28945Latin is a language, 28946As dead as can be. 28947First it killed the Romans, 28948And now it's killing me. 28949% 28950Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either. 28951% 28952Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone. 28953% 28954Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot. 28955% 28956Laugh at your problems: everybody else does. 28957% 28958Laugh when you can; cry when you must. 28959% 28960Laughing at you is like drop kicking a wounded humming bird. 28961% 28962Laughter is the closest distance between two people. 28963 -- Victor Borge 28964% 28965Laura's Law: 28966 No child throws up in the bathroom. 28967% 28968Lavish spending can be disastrous. 28969Don't buy any lavishes for a while. 28970% 28971Law enforcement officers should use only the minimum 28972force necessary in dealing with disorders when they arise. 28973 -- Richard M. Nixon 28974% 28975Law of Communications: 28976 The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications 28977 between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased 28978 area of misunderstanding. 28979% 28980Law of Continuity: 28981 Experiments should be reproducible. 28982 They should all fail the same way. 28983% 28984Law of Probable Dispersal: 28985 Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. 28986% 28987Law of Procrastination: 28988 Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has 28989 the feeling that there is nothing important to do. 28990% 28991Law of Selective Gravity: 28992 An object will fall so as to do the most damage. 28993 28994Jenning's Corollary: 28995 The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side 28996 down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet. 28997 28998Law of the Perversity of Nature: 28999 You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter. 29000% 29001Law of the Jungle: 29002 He who hesitates is lunch. 29003% 29004Law of the Yukon: 29005 Only the lead dog gets a change of scenery. 29006% 29007Law stands mute in the midst of arms. 29008 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero 29009% 29010Lawful Dungeon Master -- and they're MY laws! 29011% 29012Lawrence Radiation Laboratory keeps all its data in an old gray trunk. 29013% 29014Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made. 29015 -- Otto von Bismarck 29016% 29017Laws of Computer Programming: 29018 1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete. 29019 2. Any given program costs more and takes longer. 29020 3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. 29021 4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented. 29022 5. Any given program will expand to fill all available memory. 29023 6. The value of a program is proportional the weight of its output. 29024 7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of 29025 the programmer who must maintain it. 29026% 29027LAWSUIT: 29028 A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage. 29029 -- Ambrose Bierce 29030% 29031Lawyer's Rule: 29032 When the law is against you, argue the facts. 29033 When the facts are against you, argue the law. 29034 When both are against you, call the other lawyer names. 29035% 29036Lay off the muses, it's a very tough dollar. 29037 -- S.J. Perelman 29038% 29039Lay on, MacDuff, and curs'd be him who first cries, "Hold, enough!". 29040 -- Shakespeare 29041% 29042Lays eggs inside a paper bag; 29043The reason, you will see, no doubt, 29044Is to keep the lightning out. 29045But what these unobservant birds 29046Have failed to notice is that herds 29047Of bears may come with buns 29048And steal the bags to hold the crumbs. 29049% 29050Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: 29051 No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats -- 29052 approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less. 29053% 29054LAZY: 29055 Marrying a pregnant woman. 29056% 29057Leadership involves finding a parade and getting in front of it; what 29058is happening in America is that those parades are getting smaller and 29059smaller -- and there are many more of them. 29060 -- John Naisbitt, "Megatrends" 29061% 29062Learn from other people's mistakes, you don't have time to make your own. 29063% 29064Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you. 29065% 29066Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads. 29067% 29068Learning at some schools is like drinking from a firehose. 29069% 29070LEARNING CURVE: 29071 An astonishing new theory, discovered by management consultants 29072 in the 1970's, asserting that the more you do something the 29073 quicker you can do it. 29074% 29075Learning without thought is labor lost; 29076thought without learning is perilous. 29077 -- Confucius 29078% 29079Leave no stone unturned. 29080 -- Euripides 29081% 29082Lee's Law: 29083 Mother said there would be days like this, 29084 but she never said that there'd be so many! 29085% 29086Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. 29087% 29088Leibowitz's Rule: 29089 When hammering a nail, you will never hit your 29090 finger if you hold the hammer with both hands. 29091% 29092Lemma: All horses are the same color. 29093Proof (by induction): 29094 Case n = 1: In a set with only one horse, it is obvious that all 29095 horses in that set are the same color. 29096 Case n = k: Suppose you have a set of k+1 horses. Pull one of these 29097 horses out of the set, so that you have k horses. Suppose that all 29098 of these horses are the same color. Now put back the horse that you 29099 took out, and pull out a different one. Suppose that all of the k 29100 horses now in the set are the same color. Then the set of k+1 horses 29101 are all the same color. We have k true => k+1 true; therefore all 29102 horses are the same color. 29103Theorem: All horses have an infinite number of legs. 29104Proof (by intimidation): 29105 Everyone would agree that all horses have an even number of legs. It 29106 is also well-known that horses have forelegs in front and two legs in 29107 back. 4 + 2 = 6 legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a 29108 horse to have! Now the only number that is both even and odd is 29109 infinity; therefore all horses have an infinite number of legs. 29110 However, suppose that there is a horse somewhere that does not have an 29111 infinite number of legs. Well, that would be a horse of a different 29112 color; and by the Lemma, it doesn't exist. 29113% 29114Lemmings don't grow older, they just die. 29115% 29116Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you. 29117% 29118Lensmen eat Jedi for breakfast. 29119% 29120LEO (Jul. 23 to Aug. 22) 29121 Your presence, poise, charm and good looks won't even help you today. 29122 Look over your shoulder; an ugly person may be following you. Be on 29123 your toes. Brush your teeth. Take Geritol. 29124% 29125LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) 29126 You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. 29127 Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest 29128 criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves. 29129% 29130LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) 29131 Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore. Your 29132 ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because you've got 29133 a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of fact, if you can 29134 laugh at what happens to you today, you've got a sick sense of humor. 29135% 29136Lesbian QOTD: 29137I didn't give up sex, I just gave up premature ejaculation. 29138% 29139Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage. 29140 -- Publilius Syrus 29141% 29142Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday. 29143% 29144Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish. 29145 -- Shakespeare, "Coriolanus" 29146% 29147Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a 29148number. Youre two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and 29149another number. 29150 -- James Estes 29151% 29152Let me not to the marriage of true minds 29153Admit impediments. Love is not love 29154Which alters when it alteration finds, 29155Or bends with the remover to remove: 29156O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark, 29157That looks on tempests and is never shaken; 29158It is the star to every wandering bark, 29159Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken. 29160Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks 29161Within his bending sickle's compass come; 29162Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, 29163But bears it out even to the edge of doom. 29164If this be error and upon me proved, 29165I never writ, nor no man ever loved. 29166% 29167Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience. 29168% 29169Let me take you a button-hole lower. 29170 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost" 29171% 29172Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are. On one side, you have 29173George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of fraternity hazing 29174wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating stunts to win the approval 29175of the Republican Right. For example, they had him make a speech oozing 29176praise all over William Loeb, deceased publisher of the Manchester (N.H.) 29177Union Leader and Slime Journalist. Loeb had dumped viciously all over George 29178in the 1980 New Hampshire primary. But when the Right held a big tribute 29179for Loeb, George came back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped 29180around his neck. 29181 -- Dave Barry 29182% 29183Let no guilty man escape. 29184 -- U.S. Grant 29185% 29186Let not the sands of time get in your lunch. 29187% 29188Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these. 29189 -- Ovid (43 B.C. - A.D. 18) 29190% 29191Let sleeping dogs lie. 29192 -- Charles Dickens 29193% 29194Let the machine do the dirty work. 29195 -- "Elements of Programming Style", Kernighan and Ritchie 29196% 29197Let the meek inherit the earth -- they have it coming to them. 29198 -- James Thurber 29199% 29200Let the people think they govern and they will be governed. 29201 -- William Penn, founder of Pennsylvania 29202% 29203Let the worthy citizens of Chicago get their liquor the best way 29204they can. I'm sick of the job. It's a thankless one and full of grief. 29205 -- Capone 29206% 29207Let thy maid servant be faithful, strong, and homely. 29208 -- Benjamin Franklin 29209% 29210Let us go then you and I 29211while the night is laid out against the sky 29212like a smear of mustard on an old pork pie. 29213 29214"Nice poem Tom. I have ideas for changes though, why not come over?" 29215 -- Ezra 29216% 29217Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets, 29218The muttering retreats 29219Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels 29220And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells: 29221Streets that follow like a tedious argument 29222Of insidious intent 29223To lead you to an overwhelming question... 29224Oh, do not ask, "What is it?" 29225 -- T.S. Eliot, "Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock" 29226% 29227Let us live!!! 29228Let us love!!! 29229Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!! 29230 29231You first. 29232% 29233Let us never negotiate out of fear, 29234but let us never fear to negotiate. 29235 -- John F. Kennedy 29236% 29237Let us not look back in anger or forward 29238in fear, but around us in awareness. 29239 -- James Thurber 29240% 29241Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order. 29242% 29243Let us treat men and women well; 29244Treat them as if they were real; 29245Perhaps they are. 29246 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 29247% 29248Let your conscience be your guide. 29249 -- Pope 29250% 29251L'etat c'est moi. 29252[The state, that's me.] 29253 -- Louis XIV 29254% 29255Let's do it. 29256 -- Gary Gilmore, to his firing squad 29257% 29258Let's just be friends and make no special effort to ever see each other again. 29259% 29260Let's just be friends and make no special 29261effort to ever see each other again. 29262% 29263Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted. In every 29264relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive. If you 29265really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the end. 29266For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the qualities 29267I most admired in myself I gave up. I stopped being loud and bossy ... 29268Oh, all right. I was still loud and bossy, but only behind his back. 29269 -- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn 29270% 29271Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted. In every 29272relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive. If you 29273really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the end. 29274For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the qualities 29275I most admired in myself I gave up. I stopped being loud and bossy... 29276Oh, all right. I was still loud and bossy, but only behind his back." 29277 -- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn 29278% 29279Let's love each other slowly, 29280reaching for a plane, 29281of exquisite pleasure, 29282and delicate pain. 29283 -- Adam Beslove 29284% 29285Let's not complicate our relationship 29286by trying to communicate with each other. 29287% 29288Let's organize this thing and take all the fun out of it. 29289% 29290Let's remind ourselves that last year's fresh idea is today's cliche. 29291 -- Austen Briggs 29292% 29293Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your 29294hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental 29295Anguish. You would sue: 29296 29297* The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions 29298 section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand 29299 into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls 29300 in there". 29301 29302* The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious 29303 cretin like yourself. 29304 29305* Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this 29306 case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you 29307 a large cash settlement anyway. 29308 -- Dave Barry 29309% 29310LEVERAGE: 29311 Even if someone doesn't care what the world thinks 29312 about them, they always hope their mother doesn't find out. 29313% 29314Leveraging always beats prototyping. 29315% 29316Lewis's Law of Travel: 29317 The first piece of luggage out of the 29318 chute doesn't belong to anyone, ever. 29319% 29320L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare. 29321 -- L. Pasteur 29322% 29323LIAR: 29324 A lawyer with a roving commission. 29325% 29326Liar: one who tells an unpleasant truth. 29327 -- Oliver Herford 29328% 29329LIBERAL: 29330 Someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist. 29331% 29332Liberals are the first to dump you if you con them or get into 29333trouble. Conservatives are better. They never run out on you. 29334 -- Joseph "Crazy Joe" Gallo 29335% 29336Liberty don't work as good in practice as it does in speeches. 29337 -- The Best of Will Rogers 29338% 29339LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22) 29340 Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your desire 29341 for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and polite. Someone 29342 is watching you, so stop staring like that. 29343% 29344LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 23) 29345 Major achievements, new friends, and a previously unexplored way 29346 to make a lot of money will come to a lot of people today, but 29347 unfortunately you won't be one of them. Consider not getting out 29348 of bed today. 29349% 29350LIE: 29351 A very poor substitute for the truth, 29352 but the only one discovered to date. 29353% 29354Lieberman's Law: 29355 Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. 29356% 29357Lieberman's Law: 29358Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter, cuz nobody listens. 29359% 29360Lies! All lies! You're all lying against my boys! 29361 -- Ma Barker 29362% 29363LIFE: 29364 A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while. 29365% 29366LIFE: 29367 Learning about people the hard way -- by being one. 29368% 29369LIFE: 29370 That brief interlude between nothingness and eternity. 29371% 29372Life -- Love It or Leave It. 29373% 29374Life begins at the centerfold and expands outward. 29375 -- Miss November, 1966 29376% 29377Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge. 29378 -- Paul Gauguin 29379% 29380Life can be so tragic -- you're here today and here tomorrow. 29381% 29382Life does not begin at the moment of conception or the moment of birth. 29383It begins when the kids leave home and the dog dies. 29384% 29385Life exists for no known purpose. 29386% 29387Life in this society being, at best, an utter bore and no aspect of society 29388being at all relevant to women, there remains to civic-minded responsible 29389thrill-seeking females only to overthrow the government, eliminate the money 29390system, institute complete automation and destroy the male sex. 29391 -- Valerie Solanas 29392% 29393Life is a biochemical reaction to the stimulus of the surrounding 29394environment in a stable ecosphere, while a bowl of cherries is a 29395round container filled with little red fruits on sticks. 29396% 29397Life is a concentration camp. You're stuck here and there's no way 29398out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors. 29399 -- Woody Allen 29400% 29401Life is a gamble at terrible odds, if it was a bet you wouldn't take it. 29402 -- Tom Stoppard, "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead" 29403% 29404Life is a game. In order to have a game, something has to be more 29405important than something else. If what already is, is more important 29406than what isn't, the game is over. So, life is a game in which what 29407isn't, is more important than what is. Let the good times roll. 29408 -- Werner Erhard 29409% 29410Life is a game of bridge -- and you've just been finessed. 29411% 29412Life is a glorious cycle of song, 29413A medley of extemporania; 29414And love is thing that can never go wrong; 29415And I am Marie of Roumania. 29416 -- Dorothy Parker, "Comment" 29417% 29418Life is a grand adventure -- or it is nothing. 29419 -- Helen Keller 29420% 29421Life is a healthy respect for mother nature laced with greed. 29422% 29423Life is a hospital in which every patient is possessed by the desire to 29424change his bed. 29425 -- Charles Baudelaire 29426% 29427Life is a series of rude awakenings. 29428 -- R.V. Winkle 29429% 29430Life is a serious burden, which no thinking, 29431humane person would wantonly inflict on someone else. 29432 -- Clarence Darrow 29433% 29434Life is a sexually transferred disease with 100% mortality. 29435% 29436Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string. 29437% 29438Life is an exciting business, and most 29439exciting when it is lived for others. 29440% 29441Life is both difficult and time consuming. 29442% 29443Life is cheap, but the accessories can kill you. 29444% 29445Life is difficult because it is non-linear. 29446% 29447Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. 29448 -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall" 29449% 29450Life is fraught with opportunities to keep your mouth shut. 29451% 29452Life is just a bowl of cherries, but why do I always get the pits? 29453% 29454Life is knowing how far to go without crossing the line. 29455% 29456Life is like a 10 speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use. 29457 -- C. Schultz 29458% 29459"Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it." 29460% 29461Life is like a diaper - short and loaded. 29462% 29463Life is like a sewer. 29464What you get out of it depends on what you put into it. 29465 -- Tom Lehrer 29466% 29467Life is like a tin of sardines. 29468We're, all of us, looking for the key. 29469 -- Beyond the Fringe 29470% 29471Life is like an egg stain on your chin -- 29472you can lick it, but it still won't go away. 29473% 29474Life is like an onion: you peel it off 29475one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep. 29476 -- Carl Sandburg 29477% 29478Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after 29479layer and then you find there is nothing in it. 29480 -- James Huneker 29481% 29482Life is like arriving late for a movie, having to figure out what was 29483going on without bothering everybody with a lot of questions, and then 29484being unexpectedly called away before you find out how it ends. 29485% 29486Life is like bein' on a mule team. Unless you're 29487the lead mule, all the scenery looks about the same. 29488% 29489Life is not for everyone. 29490% 29491Life is one long struggle in the dark. 29492 -- Titus Lucretius Carus 29493% 29494Life is the childhood of our immortality. 29495 -- Goethe 29496% 29497Life is the living you do, 29498Death is the living you don't do. 29499 -- Joseph Pintauro 29500% 29501Life is the urge to ecstasy. 29502% 29503Life is to you a dashing and bold adventure. 29504% 29505Life is too short to be taken seriously. 29506 -- O. Wilde 29507% 29508Life is too short to stuff a mushroom. 29509 -- Storm Jameson 29510% 29511Life is wasted on the living. 29512 -- The Restaurant at the Edge of the Universe. 29513% 29514Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. 29515 -- John Lennon, "Beautiful Boy" 29516% 29517Life, like beer, is merely borrowed. 29518 -- Don Reed 29519% 29520Life may have no meaning, or, even worse, 29521it may have a meaning of which you disapprove. 29522% 29523Life only demands from you the strength you possess. 29524Only one feat is possible -- not to have run away. 29525 -- Dag Hammarskjold 29526% 29527Life Sucks. Cynical, misanthropic male, 34, looking for soul mate but 29528certain not to find her. Drop me a note. I'll call you, we'll talk and 29529I'll ask you out to dinner where I'll probably spend more than I can 29530afford in a feeble attempt to impress you. Then we'll realize we have 29531absolutely nothing in common and we'll go our separate ways, more 29532embittered and depressed than before (if such a thing is possible). 29533% 29534Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all. 29535 -- Thomas J. Kopp 29536% 29537Life without caffeine is stimulating enough. 29538 -- Sanka Ad 29539% 29540Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code. 29541 -- Dave Olson 29542% 29543Life would be tolerable but for its amusements. 29544 -- G.B. Shaw 29545% 29546Life's too short to dance with ugly women. 29547% 29548Lift every voice and sing 29549Till earth and heaven ring, 29550Ring with the harmonies of Liberty; 29551Let our rejoicing rise 29552High as the listening skies, 29553Let it resound loud as the rolling sea. 29554 29555Sing a song full of the faith that the dark past has taught us. 29556Sing a song full of the hope that the present has bought us. 29557Facing the rising sun of our new day begun, 29558Let us march on till victory is won. 29559 -- James Weldon Johnson 29560% 29561Lighten up, while you still can, 29562Don't even try to understand, 29563Just find a place to make your stand, 29564And take it easy. 29565 -- The Eagles, "Take It Easy" 29566% 29567LIGHTHOUSE: 29568 A tall building on the seashore in which the government 29569 maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician. 29570% 29571LIKE: 29572 When being alive at the same time is a wonderful coincidence. 29573% 29574Like all young men, you greatly exaggerate 29575the difference between one young woman and another. 29576 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Major Barbara" 29577% 29578Like an expensive sports car, fine-tuned and well-built, Portia was sleek, 29579shapely, and gorgeous, her red jumpsuit moulding her body, which was as warm 29580as seatcovers in July, her hair as dark as new tires, her eyes flashing like 29581bright hubcaps, and her lips as dewy as the beads of fresh rain on the hood; 29582she was a woman driven -- fueled by a single accelerant -- and she needed a 29583man, a man who wouldn't shift from his views, a man to steer her along the 29584right road: a man like Alf Romeo. 29585 -- Rachel Sheeley, winner 29586 29587The hair ball blocking the drain of the shower reminded Laura she would never 29588see her little dog Pritzi again. 29589 -- Claudia Fields, runner-up 29590 29591It could have been an organically based disturbance of the brain -- perhaps a 29592tumor or a metabolic deficiency -- but after a thorough neurological exam it 29593was determined that Byron was simply a jerk. 29594 -- Jeff Jahnke, runner-up 29595 29596Winners in the 7th Annual Bulwer-Lytton Bad Writing Contest. The contest is 29597named after the author of the immortal lines: "It was a dark and stormy 29598night." The object of the contest is to write the opening sentence of the 29599worst possible novel. 29600% 29601Like corn in a field I cut you down, 29602I threw the last punch way too hard, 29603After years of going steady, well, I thought it was time, 29604To throw in my hand for a new set of cards. 29605And I can't take you dancing out on the weekend, 29606I figured we'd painted too much of this town, 29607And I tried not to look as I walked to my wagon, 29608And I knew then I had lost what should have been found, 29609I knew then I had lost what should have been found. 29610 And I feel like a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford 29611 I'm as low as a paid assassin is 29612 You know I'm cold as a hired sword. 29613 I'm so ashamed we can't patch it up, 29614 You know I can't think straight no more 29615 You make me feel like a bullet, honey, 29616 a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford. 29617 -- Elton John "I Feel Like a Bullet" 29618% 29619Like I said, love wouldn't be so blind if the braille 29620weren't so damned great! 29621 -- Armistead Maupin 29622% 29623Like, if I'm not for me, then fer shure, like who will be? And if, y'know, 29624if I'm not like fer anyone else, then hey, I mean, what am I? And if not 29625now, like I dunno, maybe like when? And if not Who, then I dunno, maybe 29626like the Rolling Stones? 29627 -- Rich Rosen (Rabbi Valiel's paraphrase of famous quote 29628 attributed to Rabbi Hillel.) 29629% 29630Like my parents, I have never been a regular church member or churchgoer. 29631It doesn't seem plausible to me that there is the kind of God who watches 29632over human affairs, listens to prayers, and tries to guide people to follow 29633His precepts -- there is just too much misery and cruelty for that. On the 29634other hand, I respect and envy the people who get inspiration from their 29635religions. 29636 -- Benjamin Spock 29637% 29638Like punning, programming is a play on words. 29639% 29640Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct 29641a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops. 29642 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. 29643% 29644Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking 29645for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem. 29646 -- Alan McKay 29647% 29648Like the time I ran away... 29649And turned around and you were standing close to me. 29650 -- YES, "Going For The One/Awaken" 29651% 29652Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone. 29653% 29654Like ya know? Rock 'N Roll is an esoteric language that unlocks the 29655creativity chambers in people's brains, and like totally activates their 29656essential hipness, which of course is like totally necessary for saving 29657the earth, like because the first thing in saving this world, is getting 29658rid of stupid and square attitudes and having fun. 29659 -- Senior Year Quote 29660% 29661Like you, I am frequently haunted by profound questions related to man's 29662place in the Scheme of Things. Here are just a few: 29663 29664 Q -- Is there life after death? 29665 A -- Definitely. I speak from personal experience here. On New 29666Year's Eve, 1970, I drank a full pitcher of a drink called "Black Russian", 29667then crawled out on the lawn and died within a matter of minutes, which was 29668fine with me because I had come to realize that if I had lived I would have 29669spent the rest of my life in the grip of the most excruciatingly painful 29670headache. Thanks to the miracle of modern orange juice, I was brought back 29671to life several days later, but in the interim I was definitely dead. I 29672guess my main impression of the afterlife is that it isn't so bad as long 29673as you keep the television turned down and don't try to eat any solid foods. 29674 -- Dave Barry 29675% 29676Likewise, the national appetizer, brine-cured herring with raw onions, 29677wins few friends, Germans excepted. 29678 -- Darwin Porter "Scandinavia On $50 A Day" 29679% 29680Limericks are art forms complex, 29681Their topics run chiefly to sex. 29682 They usually have virgins, 29683 And masculine urgin's, 29684And other erotic effects. 29685% 29686"Lines that are parallel meet at Infinity!" 29687Euclid repeatedly, heatedly, urged. 29688 29689Until he died, and so reached that vicinity: 29690in it he found that the damned things diverged. 29691 -- Piet Hein 29692% 29693Linus: Hi! I thought it was you. 29694 I've been watching you from way off... You're looking great! 29695Snoopy: That's nice to know. 29696 The secret of life is to look good at a distance. 29697% 29698Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow. 29699 Maybe we should think only about today. 29700Charlie Brown: 29701 No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday 29702 will get better. 29703% 29704Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow. Maybe 29705 we should think only about today. 29706Charlie Brown: 29707 No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday will get 29708 better. 29709% 29710Linus' Law: 29711 There is no heavier burden than a great potential. 29712% 29713Lions in the street and roaming, 29714Dogs in heat, rabid, foaming, 29715A beast caged in the heart of the city. 29716The body of his mother lying in the summer ground, 29717He fled the town. 29718Went down south across the border, 29719Left the chaos and disorder 29720Back there, over his shoulder. 29721One morning he awoke in a green hotel, 29722A strange creature groaning beside him. 29723Sweat oozed from its shiny skin. 29724Is everybody in? The ceremony is about to begin. 29725 -- Jim Morrison, "Celebration of the Lizard" 29726% 29727LISP: 29728 To call a spade a thpade. 29729% 29730Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine, 29731Lisp Machine is Fun. 29732Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine, 29733Fun for everyone. 29734% 29735Lisp Users: 29736Due to the holiday next Monday, there will be no garbage collection. 29737% 29738Listen, there is no courage or any extra courage that I know of to find out 29739the right thing to do. Now, it is not only necessary to do the right thing, 29740but to do it in the right way and the only problem you have is what is the 29741right thing to do and what is the right way to do it. That is the problem. 29742But this economy of ours is not so simple that it obeys to the opinion of 29743bias or the pronouncements of any particular individual, even to the President. 29744This is an economy that is made up of 173 million people, and it reflects 29745their desires, they're ready to buy, they're ready to spend, it is a thing 29746that is too complex and too big to be affected adversely or advantageously 29747just by a few words or any particular -- say, a little this and that, or even 29748a panacea so alleged. 29749 -- D.D. Eisenhower, in response to: "Has the government 29750 been lacking in courage and boldness in facing up to 29751 the recession?" 29752% 29753Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children. 29754Life is the other way around. 29755 -- David Lodge 29756% 29757Literature is mostly about sex and not much about having children and life 29758is the other way round. 29759 -- David Lodge, "The British Museum is Falling Down" 29760% 29761Littering is dumb. 29762 -- Ronald Macdonald 29763% 29764Little Fly, 29765Thy summer's play If thought is life 29766My thoughtless hand And strength & breath, 29767Has brush'd away. And the want 29768 Of thought is death, 29769Am not I 29770A fly like thee? Then am I 29771Or art not thou A happy fly 29772A man like me? If I live 29773 Or if I die. 29774 29775For I dance 29776And drink & sing, 29777Till some blind hand 29778Shall brush my wing. 29779 -- William Blake, "The Fly" 29780% 29781Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse. 29782 -- Lazarus Long 29783% 29784Little known fact about Middle Earth: The Hobbits had a very 29785sophisticated computer network! It was a Tolkein Ring... 29786% 29787Little Known Facts, #23: 29788 Did you know... that if you dial 911 in Los Angeles you get 29789 the BMW repair garage? 29790% 29791Little Mary on the ice, 29792Went out to have a frisk, 29793Now wasn't little Mary nice, 29794Her pretty *? 29795% 29796Live fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway! 29797 -- The Squirrels' Motto (The "Hell's Angels of Nature") 29798% 29799Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse. 29800 -- James Dean 29801% 29802Live from New York ... It's Saturday Night! 29803% 29804Live in a world of your own, but always welcome visitors. 29805% 29806Live never to be ashamed if anything you do or say is 29807published around the world -- even if what is published is not true. 29808 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul 29809% 29810Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so. 29811 -- Josh Billings 29812% 29813Living here in Rio, I have lots of coffees to choose from. And when 29814you're on the lam like me, you appreciate a good cup of coffee. 29815 -- "Great Train Robber" Ronald Biggs' coffee commercial 29816% 29817Living in California is like living in a bowl of granola. 29818What ain't flakes and nuts is fruits. 29819% 29820Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola. 29821What ain't fruits and nuts is flakes. 29822% 29823Living in New York City gives people real incentives 29824to want things that nobody else wants. 29825 -- Andy Warhol 29826% 29827Living in the complex world of the future is somewhat 29828like having bees live in your head. But, there they are. 29829% 29830Living on Earth may be expensive, but it 29831includes an annual free trip around the Sun. 29832% 29833LIVING YOUR LIFE: 29834 A task so difficult, it has never been attempted before. 29835% 29836Lizzie Borden took an axe, 29837And plunged it deep into the VAX; 29838Don't you envy people who 29839Do all the things YOU want to do? 29840% 29841Lo! Men have become the tool of their tools. 29842 -- Henry David Thoreau 29843% 29844Lobster: 29845 Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are 29846squeamish about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the only 29847proper method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to eliminate your 29848guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial before they're cooked. 29849The fact is, lobsters are among the most ferocious predators on the sea 29850floor, and you're helping reduce crime in the reefs. Grasp the lobster 29851behind the head, look it right in its unmistakably guilty eyestalks and say, 29852"Where were you on the night of the 21st?", then flourish a picture of a 29853scallop or a sole and shout, "Perhaps this will refresh that crude neural 29854apparatus you call a memory!" The lobster will squirm noticeably. It may 29855even take a swipe at you with one of its claws. Incorrigible. Pop it into 29856the pot. Justice has been served, and shortly you and your friends will 29857be, too. 29858 -- Dave Barry 29859% 29860Lobster: 29861 Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are squeamish 29862 about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the only proper 29863 method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to eliminate your 29864 guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial before they're 29865 cooked. The fact is, lobsters are among the most ferocious predators on 29866 the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime in the reefs. Grasp the 29867 lobster behind the head, look it right in its unmistakably guilty 29868 eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of the 21st?", then 29869 flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout, "Perhaps this will 29870 refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a memory!" The lobster will 29871 squirm noticeably. It may even take a swipe at you with one of its claws. 29872 Incorrigible. Pop it into the pot. Justice has been served, and shortly 29873 you and your friends will be, too. 29874 -- Cooking: The Art of Turning Appliances and Utensils 29875 into Excuses and Apologies 29876% 29877Lockwood's Long Shot: 29878 The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street 29879 aren't one in a million, but once would be enough. 29880% 29881Logic doesn't apply to the real world. 29882 -- Marvin Minsky 29883% 29884Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree, that smells AWFUL. 29885% 29886Logic is a pretty flower that smells bad. 29887% 29888Logic is a systematic method of coming 29889to the wrong conclusion with confidence. 29890% 29891Logic is the chastity belt of the mind! 29892% 29893Logicians have but ill defined 29894As rational the human kind. 29895Logic, they say, belongs to man, 29896But let them prove it if they can. 29897 -- Oliver Goldsmith 29898% 29899LOGO for the Dead 29900 29901LOGO for the Dead lets you continue your computing activities from 29902"The Other Side." 29903 29904The package includes a unique telecommunications feature which lets you 29905turn your TRS-80 into an electronic Ouija board. Then, using Logo's 29906graphics capabilities, you can work with a friend or relative on this 29907side of the Great Beyond to write programs. The software requires that 29908your body be hardwired to an analog-to-digital converter, which is then 29909interfaced to your computer. A special terminal (very terminal) program 29910lets you talk with the users through Deadnet, an EBBS (Ectoplasmic 29911Bulletin Board System). 29912 29913LOGO for the Dead is available for 10 percent of your estate 29914from NecroSoft inc., 6502 Charnelhouse Blvd., Cleveland, OH 44101. 29915 -- '80 Microcomputing 29916% 29917Loneliness is a terrible price to pay for independence. 29918% 29919Lonely is a man without love. 29920 -- Englebert Humperdinck 29921% 29922Lonely men seek companionship. 29923Lonely women sit at home and wait. They never meet. 29924% 29925Lonesome? 29926 29927Like a change? 29928Like a new job? 29929Like excitement? 29930Like to meet new and interesting people? 29931 29932JUST SCREW-UP ONE MORE TIME!!!!!!! 29933% 29934Long ago I proposed that unsuccessful candidates for the Presidency 29935be quietly hanged, as a matter of public sanitation and decorum. 29936The sight of their grief must have a very evil effect upon the young. 29937 -- H.L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe" 29938% 29939Long computations which yield zero are probably all for naught. 29940% 29941Long life is in store for you. 29942% 29943Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and 29944long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his 29945pain and his aloneness without regret? 29946 -- Kahlil Gibran, "The Prophet" 29947% 29948Look! Before our very eyes, the future is becoming the past. 29949% 29950Look afar and see the end from the beginning. 29951% 29952Look at it this way: 29953Your daughter just named the fresh turkey you brought 29954home "Cuddles", so you're going out to buy a canned ham. 29955And you're still drinking ordinary scotch? 29956% 29957Look at it this way: 29958Your wife's spending $280 a month on meditation lessons to 29959forget $26,000 of college education. 29960And you're still drinking ordinary scotch? 29961% 29962Look before you leap. 29963 -- Samuel Butler 29964% 29965Look ere ye leap. 29966 -- John Heywood 29967% 29968Look out! Behind you! 29969% 29970Look, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters, 29971con-men. That's the way businesses get started. That's the way this 29972country was built. 29973 -- Hubert Allen 29974% 29975Lookie, lookie, here comes cookie... 29976 -- Stephen Sondheim 29977% 29978Loose bits sink chips. 29979% 29980Lord, defend me from my friends; I can account for my enemies. 29981 -- Charles D'Hericault 29982% 29983Lord, what fools these mortals be! 29984 -- William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer-Night's Dream" 29985% 29986Losing your drivers' license is just 29987God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!" 29988% 29989Lost: gray and white female cat. 29990Answers to electric can opener. 29991% 29992Lots of folks are forced to skimp to support a government that won't. 29993% 29994Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny. 29995 -- Frank Hubbard 29996% 29997Lots of girls can be had for a song. 29998Unfortunately, it often turns out to be the wedding march. 29999% 30000Louie Louie, me gotta go 30001Louie Louie, me gotta go 30002 30003Fine little girl she waits for me 30004Me catch the ship for cross the sea 30005Me sail the ship all alone Three nights and days me sail the sea 30006Me never thinks me make it home Me think of girl constantly 30007(chorus) On the ship I dream she there 30008 I smell the rose in her hair 30009Me see Jamaica moon above (chorus, guitar solo) 30010It won't be long, me see my love 30011I take her in my arms and then 30012Me tell her I never leave again 30013 -- The real words to The Kingsmen's classic "Louie Louie" 30014% 30015Louie, Louie, me gotta go 30016Louie, Louie, me gotta go 30017 30018Fine little girl she waits for me 30019Me catch the ship for cross the sea 30020Me sail the ship all alone 30021Me never thinks me make it home 30022 [chorus] 30023 30024Three nights and days me sail the sea 30025Me think of girl constantly 30026On the ship I dream she there 30027I smell the rose in her hair 30028 [chorus; guitar solo] 30029 30030Me see Jamaica moon above 30031It won't be long, me see my love 30032I take her in my arms and then 30033Me tell her I never leave again 30034 -- the real words to "Louie Louie" 30035% 30036LOVE: 30037 I'll let you play with my life if you'll let me play with yours. 30038% 30039LOVE: 30040 Love ties in a knot in the end of the rope. 30041% 30042LOVE: 30043 When, if asked to choose between your lover 30044 and happiness, you'd skip happiness in a heartbeat. 30045% 30046LOVE: 30047 When it's growing, you don't mind watering it with a few tears. 30048% 30049LOVE: 30050 When you don't want someone too close-- 30051 because you're very sensitive to pleasure. 30052% 30053LOVE: 30054 When you like to think of someone on days that begin with a morning. 30055% 30056Love -- the last of the serious diseases of childhood. 30057% 30058Love ain't nothin' but sex misspelled. 30059% 30060Love America - or give it back. 30061% 30062Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea. 30063% 30064Love at first sight is one of the greatest 30065labor-saving devices the world has ever seen. 30066% 30067Love conquers all things; let us too surrender to love. 30068 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) 30069% 30070Love in your heart wasn't put there to stay. 30071Love isn't love 'til you give it away. 30072 -- Oscar Hammerstein II 30073% 30074Love is a grave mental disease. 30075 -- Plato 30076% 30077Love is a slippery eel that bites like hell. 30078 -- Matt Groening 30079% 30080Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra, which suddenly flips 30081over, pinning you underneath. At night the ice weasels come. 30082 -- Matt Groening, "Love is Hell" 30083% 30084Love is a word that is constantly heard, 30085Hate is a word that is not. 30086Love, I am told, is more precious than gold. 30087Love, I have read, is hot. 30088But hate is the verb that to me is superb, 30089And Love but a drug on the mart. 30090Any kiddie in school can love like a fool, 30091But Hating, my boy, is an Art. 30092 -- Ogden Nash 30093% 30094Love is always open arms. With arms open you allow love to come and 30095go as it wills, freely, for it will do so anyway. If you close your 30096arms about love you'll find you are left only holding yourself. 30097% 30098Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real 30099with the ideal never goes unpunished. 30100 -- Goethe 30101% 30102Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the 30103real with the ideal never goes unpunished. 30104 -- Goethe 30105% 30106Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage. 30107 -- Dr. Karl Bowman 30108% 30109Love is being stupid together. 30110 -- Paul Valery 30111% 30112Love is dope, not chicken soup. I mean, love is something to be passed 30113around freely, not spooned down someone's throat for their own good by a 30114Jewish mother who cooked it all by herself. 30115% 30116Love is in the offing. 30117 -- The Homicidal Maniac 30118% 30119Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores you. 30120% 30121Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very 30122pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love 30123grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning 30124and unquenchable. 30125 -- Bruce Lee 30126% 30127Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it. 30128 -- Jerome K. Jerome 30129% 30130Love is never asking why? 30131% 30132Love is not enough, but it sure helps. 30133% 30134Love is sentimental measles. 30135% 30136Love is staying up all night with a sick child, or a healthy adult. 30137% 30138Love is the answer; but while you are waiting for the answer, sex 30139raises some pretty good questions. 30140 -- Woody Allen 30141% 30142Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. 30143 -- H.L. Mencken 30144% 30145Love is the desire to prostitute oneself. There is, indeed, no exalted 30146pleasure that cannot be related to prostitution. 30147 -- Charles Baudelaire 30148% 30149Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness. 30150 -- M. Hirschfield 30151% 30152Love is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself. 30153 -- Saint Exupery 30154% 30155Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. 30156 -- H.L. Mencken 30157% 30158Love IS what it's cracked up to be. 30159% 30160Love is what you've been through with somebody. 30161 -- James Thurber 30162% 30163Love isn't only blind, it's also deaf, dumb, and stupid. 30164% 30165Love makes fools, marriage cuckolds, and patriotism malevolent imbeciles. 30166 -- Paul Leautaud, "Passe-temps" 30167% 30168Love makes the world go 'round, with a little help from intrinsic angular 30169momentum. 30170% 30171Love may laugh at locksmiths, but he has a profound respect for money bags. 30172 -- Sidney Paternoster, "The Folly of the Wise" 30173% 30174Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes. 30175% 30176Love means never having to say you're sorry. 30177 -- Eric Segal, "Love Story" 30178 30179That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. 30180 -- Ryan O'Neill, "What's Up Doc?" 30181% 30182Love means nothing to a tennis player. 30183% 30184Love tells us many things that are not so. 30185 -- Krainian Proverb 30186% 30187Love the sea? I dote upon it -- from the beach. 30188% 30189Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood. 30190 -- Louise Beal 30191% 30192Love thy neighbor, tune thy piano. 30193% 30194Love to eat them mousies, 30195Mousies I love to eat. 30196Bite they little heads off, 30197Nibble at they tiny feet. 30198 -- Kliban 30199% 30200Love to eat them mousies, 30201Mousies what I love to eat. 30202Bite they little heads off, 30203Nibble on they tiny feet. 30204 -- Kliban 30205% 30206Love to eat them mousies; 30207Mousies what I love to eat. 30208Bite they tiny heads off, 30209Nibble on they tiny feet! 30210 -- Kilban 30211% 30212Love, which is quickly kindled in a gentle heart, 30213 seized this one for the fair form 30214 that was taken from me-and the way of it afficts me still. 30215Love, which absolves no loved one from loving, 30216 seized me so strongly with delight in him, 30217 that, as you see, it does not leave me even now. 30218Love brought us to one death. 30219 -- La Divina Commedia: Inferno V, vv. 100-06 30220% 30221Love your enemies: they'll go crazy 30222trying to figure out what you're up to. 30223% 30224Love your neighbour, yet don't pull down your hedge. 30225 -- Benjamin Franklin 30226% 30227Lowery's Law: 30228 If it jams -- force it. If it 30229 breaks, it needed replacing anyway. 30230% 30231LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand. 30232% 30233Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: 30234 There's always one more bug. 30235% 30236Lucas is the source of many of the components of the legendarily reliable 30237British automotive electrical systems. Professionals call the company "The 30238Prince of Darkness". Of course, if Lucas were to design and manufacture 30239nuclear weapons, World War III would never get off the ground. The British 30240don't like warm beer any more than the Americans do. The British drink warm 30241beer because they have Lucas refrigerators. 30242% 30243Luck can't last a lifetime, unless you die young. 30244 -- Russell Banks 30245% 30246Luck, that's when preparation and opportunity meet. 30247 -- P.E. Trudeau 30248% 30249Lucky, adj: 30250 When you have a wife and a cigarette 30251 lighter -- both of which work. 30252% 30253Lucky is he for whom the belle toils. 30254% 30255Lucy: Dance, dance, dance. That is all you ever do. 30256 Can't you be serious for once? 30257Snoopy: She is right! I think I had better think 30258 of the more important things in life! 30259 (pause) 30260 Tomorrow!! 30261% 30262Luke, I'm yer father, eh. Come over to the dark side, you hoser. 30263 -- Dave Thomas, "Strange Brew" 30264% 30265LUNATIC ASYLUM: 30266 The place where optimism most flourishes. 30267% 30268Lying is an indispensable part of making life tolerable. 30269 -- Bergan Evans 30270% 30271Lysistrata had a good idea. 30272% 30273Ma Bell is a mean mother! 30274% 30275MAC user's dynamic debugging list evaluator? Never heard of that. 30276% 30277"Mach was the greatest intellectual fraud in the last ten years." 30278"What about X?" 30279"I said `intellectual'." 30280 ;login, 9/1990 30281% 30282Machine-independent program: 30283 A program that will not run on any machine. 30284% 30285Machines have less problems. I'd like to be a machine. 30286 -- Andy Warhol 30287% 30288Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the 30289repairman arrives. 30290% 30291macho, adj.: 30292 Jogging home from your vasectomy. 30293% 30294Macho does not prove mucho. 30295 -- Zsa Zsa Gabor 30296% 30297MAD: 30298 Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence. 30299% 30300Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- 30301if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender. 30302 -- W.C. Fields 30303% 30304Madison's Inquiry: 30305 If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class? 30306% 30307Madness takes its toll. 30308% 30309Magary's Principle: 30310 When there is a public outcry to cut deadwood and fat from any 30311 government bureaucracy, it is the deadwood and the fat that do 30312 the cutting, and the public's services are cut. 30313% 30314Magic is always the best solution -- especially reliable magic. 30315% 30316Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism. 30317 30318Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet. 30319 30320The two preceding definitions are condensed from the works of one 30321thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject with a 30322great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human knowledge. 30323% 30324MAGNOCARTIC: 30325 Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping carts. 30326 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 30327% 30328magnocartic, adj: 30329 Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping 30330 carts. 30331 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 30332% 30333MAGPIE: 30334 A bird whose thievish disposition suggested 30335 to someone that it might be taught to talk. 30336 -- A. Bierce 30337% 30338MAIDEN AUNT: 30339 A girl who never had the sense to say "uncle." 30340% 30341Maiden, n: 30342 A young person of the unfair sex addicted to clewless conduct and 30343 views that madden to crime. The genus has a wide geographical 30344 distribution, being found wherever sought and deplored wherever found. 30345 The maiden is not altogether unpleasing to the eye, nor (without her 30346 piano and her views) insupportable to the ear, though in respect to 30347 comeliness distinctly inferior to the rainbow, and, with regard to 30348 the part of her that is audible, beaten out of the field by the 30349 canary -- which, also, is more portable. 30350 30351Male, n: 30352 A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male of the 30353 human race is commonly known to the female as Mere Man. The genus 30354 has two varieties: good providers and bad providers. 30355 -- Ambrose Bierce 30356% 30357Maier's Law: 30358 If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of. 30359 -- N.R. Maier, "American Psychologist", March 1960 30360 30361Corollaries: 30362 1. The bigger the theory, the better. 30363 2. The experiment may be considered a success if no more than 30364 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to 30365 obtain a correspondence with the theory. 30366% 30367Main's Law: 30368 For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. 30369% 30370Maintainer's Motto: 30371 If we can't fix it, it ain't broke. 30372% 30373Maj. Bloodnok: Seagoon, you're a coward! 30374Seagoon: Only in the holiday season. 30375Maj. Bloodnok: Ah, another Noel Coward! 30376% 30377Major premise: 30378 Sixty men can do sixty times as much work as one man. 30379Minor premise: 30380 A man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds. 30381Conclusion: 30382 Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second. 30383 30384Secondary Conclusion: 30385 Do you realize how many holes there would be if people 30386 would just take the time to take the dirt out of them? 30387% 30388Majorities, of course, start with minorities. 30389 -- Robert Moses 30390% 30391MAJORITY: 30392 That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law. 30393% 30394Make a wish, it might come true. 30395% 30396Make headway at work. Continue to let things deteriorate at home. 30397% 30398Make it right before you make it faster. 30399% 30400Make no little plans; they have no magic to stir men's blood. 30401 -- Daniel Hudson Burnham 30402% 30403Make sure your code does nothing gracefully. 30404% 30405Make war not sex. (It's safer.) 30406% 30407Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users 30408tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It has 30409been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is the 30410message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files. 30411 -- System V.2 administrator's guide 30412% 30413Malek's Law: 30414 Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way. 30415% 30416MALPRACTICE: 30417 The reason surgeons wear masks. 30418% 30419MAN: 30420 An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he 30421 is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief 30422 occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, 30423 which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest 30424 the whole habitable earth and Canada. 30425 -- A. Bierce 30426% 30427Man and wife make one fool. 30428% 30429Man belongs wherever he wants to go. 30430 -- Wernher von Braun 30431% 30432Man has always assumed that he is more intelligent than dolphins because 30433he has achieved so much -- the wheel, New York, wars and so on -- while 30434all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good 30435time. But, conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were 30436far more intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons. 30437 -- D. Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 30438% 30439Man has made his bedlam; let him lie in it. 30440 -- Fred Allen 30441% 30442Man has never reconciled himself to the ten commandments. 30443% 30444Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. 30445 -- Lily Tomlin 30446% 30447Man is a military animal, 30448Glories in gunpowder, and loves parade. 30449 -- P.J. Bailey 30450% 30451Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon 30452to act in accordance with the dictates of reason. 30453 -- Oscar Wilde 30454% 30455Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he 30456is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason. 30457 -- Oscar Wilde 30458% 30459Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this-- 30460no dog exchanges bones with another. 30461 -- Adam Smith 30462% 30463Man is by nature a political animal. 30464 -- Aristotle 30465% 30466Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... 30467and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor. 30468 -- Wernher von Braun 30469% 30470Man is the measure of all things. 30471 -- Protagoras 30472% 30473Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to. 30474 -- Mark Twain 30475% 30476Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms 30477with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them. 30478 -- Samuel Butler, 1835-1902 30479% 30480Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps; 30481for he is the only animal that is struck with the 30482difference between what things are and what they ought to be. 30483 -- William Hazlitt 30484% 30485Man must shape his tools lest they shape him. 30486 -- Arthur R. Miller 30487% 30488Man proposes, God disposes. 30489 -- Thomas a Kempis 30490% 30491Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- 30492unless it is an enemy. 30493 -- A. Einstein 30494% 30495Man who arrives at party two hours late 30496will find he has been beaten to the punch. 30497% 30498Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought. 30499% 30500Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self. 30501% 30502Man who sleep in beer keg wake up stickey. 30503% 30504Man will never fly. 30505Space travel is merely a dream. 30506All aspirin is alike. 30507% 30508Management: How many feet do mice have? 30509Reply: Mice have four feet. 30510M: Elaborate! 30511R: Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet. 30512M: No discussion of fifth appendage! 30513R: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet; one is a tail. 30514M: What? Feet with no legs? 30515R: Mice have four legs, four feet, and one tail per unit-mouse. 30516M: Confusing -- is that a total of 9 appendages? 30517R: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per body. 30518M: Does not fully discuss the issue! 30519R: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg 30520 is equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail 30521 is not equipped with a foot. 30522M: Descriptive? Yes. Forceful NO! 30523R: Allotment of appendages for mice will be: Four foot-leg assemblies, 30524 one tail. Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would 30525 constitute misapportionment of scarce appendage assets. 30526M: Too authoritarian; stifles creativity! 30527R: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined 30528 integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system. Also 30529 attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and 30530 ornamental in nature. 30531M: Too verbose/scientific. Answer the question! 30532R: Mice have four feet. 30533% 30534MANAGEMENT: 30535 The art of getting other people to do all the work. 30536% 30537MANAGER: 30538 A man known for giving great meeting. 30539% 30540man-hour, n: 30541 A sexist, obsolete measure of macho effort, equal to 60 Kiplings. 30542% 30543MANIC-DEPRESSIVE: 30544 Easy glum, easy glow. 30545% 30546Mankind is poised midway between the gods and the beasts. 30547 -- Plotinus 30548% 30549Manly's Maxim: 30550 Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion 30551 with confidence. 30552% 30553Man's horizons are bounded by his vision. 30554% 30555Man's reach must exceed his grasp, for why else the heavens? 30556% 30557Man's unique agony as a species consists in his perpetual 30558conflict between the desire to stand out and the need to blend in. 30559 -- Sydney J. Harris 30560% 30561manual, n: 30562 A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a given 30563 item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The information 30564 you need in in the others. 30565 -- Ray Simard 30566% 30567Many a bum show has been saved by the flag. 30568 -- George M. Cohan 30569% 30570Many a family tree needs trimming. 30571% 30572Many a long dispute between divines may thus be abridged: It is so. It 30573is not so. It is so. It is not so. 30574 -- Benjamin Franklin, "Poor Richard's Almanack" 30575% 30576Many a man that can't direct you to a corner drugstore will 30577get a respectful hearing when age has further impaired his mind. 30578 -- Finley Peter Dunne 30579% 30580Many a town that didn't have enough work to support a single lawyer 30581can easily support two or more. 30582% 30583Many a writer seems to thing he is never profound 30584except when he can't understand his own meaning. 30585 -- George D. Prentice 30586% 30587Many are called, few are chosen. 30588Fewer still get to do the choosing. 30589% 30590Many are called, few volunteer. 30591% 30592Many are cold, but few are frozen. 30593% 30594Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long. 30595% 30596Many companies that have made themselves dependent on [the equipment of a 30597certain major manufacturer] (and in doing so have sold their soul to the 30598devil) will collapse under the sheer weight of the unmastered complexity of 30599their data processing systems. 30600 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 30601% 30602Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher. The butcher is 30603weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and 30604weeks. He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists, 30605but he sings about his gingivectomist, he dreams about a single cosmologist, 30606he thinks about his dog. The dog is named Herbert. 30607 -- Racter, "The Policeman's Beard is Half-Constructed" 30608% 30609Many hands make light work. 30610 -- John Heywood 30611% 30612Many husbands go broke on the money their wives save on sales. 30613% 30614Many mental processes admit of being roughly measured. For instance, 30615the degree to which people are bored, by counting the number of their 30616fidgets. I not infrequently tried this method at the meetings of the 30617Royal Geographical Society, for even there dull memoirs are occasionally 30618read. [...] The use of a watch attracts attention, so I reckon time 30619by the number of my breathings, of which there are 15 in a minute. They 30620are not counted mentally, but are punctuated by pressing with 15 fingers 30621successively. The counting is reserved for the fidgets. These observations 30622should be confined to persons of middle age. Children are rarely still, 30623while elderly philosophers will sometimes remain rigid for minutes altogether. 30624 -- Francis Galton, 1909 30625% 30626Many of the characters are fools and they are always playing 30627tricks on me and treating me badly. 30628 -- Jorge Luis Borges, from "Writers on Writing" by Jon Winokur 30629% 30630Many of the convicted thieves Parker has met began their 30631life of crime after taking college Computer Science courses. 30632 -- Roger Rapoport, "Programs for Plunder", Omni, March 1981 30633% 30634Many pages make a thick book. 30635% 30636Many pages make a thick book, except for pocket Bibles which are on very 30637very thin paper. 30638% 30639Many people are desperately looking for some wise advice 30640which will recommend that they do what they want to do. 30641% 30642Many people are secretly interested in life. 30643% 30644Many people are unenthusiastic about their work. 30645% 30646Many people are unenthusiastic about your work. 30647% 30648Many people feel that if you won't let 30649them make you happy, they'll make you suffer. 30650% 30651Many people feel that they deserve some kind of 30652recognition for all the bad things they haven't done. 30653% 30654Many people resent being treated like the person they really are. 30655% 30656Many people write memos to tell you they have nothing to say. 30657% 30658Many receive advice, few profit by it. 30659 -- Publilius Syrus 30660% 30661Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon, 30662there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he 30663was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how 30664completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday.... 30665 -- Walt Kelly 30666% 30667Margaret, are you grieving 30668Over Goldengrove unleaving? 30669Leaves, like the things of man, 30670You, with your fresh thoughts 30671Care for, can you? 30672Ah! as the heart grows older 30673It will come to such sights colder 30674By and by, nor spare a sigh 30675Though worlds of wanwood leafmeal lie 30676And yet you will weep and know why. 30677Now no matter, child, the name 30678Sorrow's springs are the same: 30679It is the blight man was born for, 30680It is Margaret you mourn for. 30681 -- Gerard Manley Hopkins. 30682% 30683Marigold: Jealousy 30684Mint: Virute 30685Orange blossom: Your purity equals your loveliness 30686Orchid: Beauty, magnificence 30687Pansy: Thoughts 30688Peach blossom: I am your captive 30689Petunia: Your presence soothes me 30690Poppy: Sleep 30691Rose, any color: Love 30692Rose, deep red: Bashful shame 30693Rose, single, pink: Simplicity 30694Rose, thornless, any: Early attachment 30695Rose, white: I am worthy of you 30696Rose, yellow: Decrease of love, rise of jealousy 30697Rosebud, white: Girlhood, and a heart ignorant of love 30698Rosemary: Rememberance 30699Sunflower: Haughtiness 30700Tulip, red: Declaration of love 30701Tulip, yellow: Hopeless love 30702Violet, blue: Faithfulness 30703Violet, white: Modesty 30704Zinnia: Thoughts of absent friends 30705 * An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning. 30706% 30707Marijuana is nature's way of saying, "Hi!". 30708% 30709Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students 30710who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize 30711it in order to protect themselves. 30712 -- Lenny Bruce 30713% 30714Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery: 30715 Dentists are incapable of asking questions 30716 that require a simple yes or no answer. 30717% 30718MARRIAGE: 30719 An old, established institution, entered into by two people deeply 30720 in love and desiring to make a committment to each other expressing 30721 that love. In short, committment to an institution. 30722% 30723MARRIAGE: 30724 Convertible bonds. 30725% 30726Marriage always demands the greatest understanding of the art of 30727insincerity possible between two human beings. 30728 -- Vicki Baum 30729% 30730Marriage causes dating problems. 30731% 30732Marriage, in life, is like a duel in the midst of a battle. 30733 -- Edmond About 30734% 30735Marriage is a ghastly public confession of a strictly private intention. 30736% 30737Marriage is a great institution -- but I'm 30738not ready for an institution yet. 30739 -- Mae West 30740% 30741Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you'd be 30742surprised at the large number that re-enlist. 30743 -- James Garner 30744% 30745Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter. 30746% 30747Marriage is a three ring circus: 30748engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. 30749 -- Roger Price 30750% 30751Marriage is an institution in which two undertake 30752to become one, and one undertakes to become nothing. 30753% 30754Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a brand of beer 30755exactly to his taste he should at once throw up his job and go to work 30756in the brewery. 30757 -- George Jean Nathan 30758% 30759Marriage is learning about women the hard way. 30760% 30761Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning handsprings, or eating with 30762chopsticks. It looks easy until you try it. 30763% 30764Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it. 30765 -- Baskins 30766% 30767Marriage is not merely sharing the fettucine, but sharing the 30768burden of finding the fettucine restaurant in the first place. 30769 -- Calvin Trillin 30770% 30771Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. 30772 -- Voltaire 30773% 30774Marriage is the process of finding out what 30775kind of man your wife would have preferred. 30776% 30777Marriage is the waste-paper basket of the emotions. 30778% 30779Marriage, n: 30780 The evil aye. 30781% 30782Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on earth. 30783 -- John Lyly 30784% 30785Marry in haste and everyone starts counting the months. 30786% 30787MARTA SAYS THE INTERESTING thing about fly-fishing is that its two lives 30788connected by a thin strand. 30789 30790Come on, Marta, grow up. 30791 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 30792% 30793MARTA WAS WATCHING THE FOOTBALL GAME with me when she said, "You know most 30794of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its 30795territory from invasion by another group." 30796 30797"Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny. 30798 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 30799% 30800Martin was probably ripping them off. That's some family, isn't it? 30801Incest, prostitution, fanaticism, software. 30802 -- Charles Willeford, "Miami Blues" 30803% 30804'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability. 30805 -- George Bernard Shaw 30806% 30807Marvelous! The super-user's going to boot me! 30808What a finely tuned response to the situation! 30809% 30810Marvin the Nature Lover spied a grasshopper hopping along in the grass, 30811and in a mood for communing with nature, rare even among full-fledged 30812Nature Lovers, he spoke to the grasshopper, saying: "Hello, friend 30813grasshopper. Did you know they've named a drink after you?" 30814 "Really?" replied the grasshopper, obviously pleased. "They've 30815named a drink Fred?" 30816% 30817Marxist Law of Distribution of Wealth: 30818 Shortages will be divided equally among the peasants. 30819% 30820Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow, 30821And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go. 30822It followed her through rain or snow, lightning, sleet or hail. 30823It fetched the evening paper, her slippers, and the mail. 30824She never had a moments peace; the lamb was always on her heels, 30825And on her feet its head would rest, while she ate her meals. 30826It followed her to school one day, the devotion never ended. 30827The lamb waltzed into her history class and Mary got suspended. 30828The night she went to Senior Prom, she thought she had him beat, 30829Until she heard a mournful "Baaa" coming from her car's seat. 30830Oh, Mary had a little lamb, it surely didn't please her. 30831So for dinner she had lambchops; the rest is in the freezer. 30832 -- Alma Garcia 30833% 30834Maryann's Law: 30835 You can always find what you're not looking for. 30836% 30837Maslow's Maxim: 30838 If the only tool you have is a hammer, 30839 you treat everything like a nail. 30840% 30841Mason's First Law of Synergism: 30842The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut. 30843% 30844Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy. 30845% 30846Masturbation is the thinking man's television. 30847 -- Christopher Hampton 30848% 30849Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it! 30850 -- Monty Python 30851% 30852Mater artium necessitas. 30853 [Necessity is the mother of invention]. 30854% 30855Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant. 30856 -- Malcolm Smith 30857% 30858MATH AND ALCOHOL DON'T MIX! 30859 Please, don't drink and derive. 30860 30861 Mathematicians 30862 Against 30863 Drunk 30864 Deriving 30865% 30866Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated. 30867 -- R. Drabek 30868% 30869mathematician, n: 30870 Some one who believes imaginary things appear right before your i's. 30871% 30872Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they 30873translate into their own language and forthwith it is something 30874entirely different. 30875 -- Goethe 30876% 30877Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate 30878into their own language, and forthwith it is something entirely different. 30879 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 30880% 30881Mathematicians practice absolute freedom. 30882 -- Henry Adams 30883% 30884Mathematicians take it to the limit. 30885% 30886Mathematics deals exclusively with the relations of concepts 30887to each other without consideration of their relation to experience. 30888 -- Albert Einstein 30889% 30890Mathematics is the only science where one never knows what 30891one is talking about nor whether what is said is true. 30892 -- Russell 30893% 30894Mathematics, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth but supreme beauty -- 30895a beauty cold and austere, like that of a sculpture, without appeal to any 30896part of our weaker nature, without the gorgeous trapping of painting or music, 30897yet sublimely pure, and capable of a stern perfection such as only the 30898greatest art can show. The true spirit of delight, the exaltation, the sense 30899of being more than man, which is the touchstone of the highest excellence, is 30900to be found in mathematics as surely as in poetry. 30901 -- Bertrand Russell 30902% 30903Matrimony is the root of all evil. 30904% 30905Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence. 30906% 30907Matter cannot be created or destroyed, 30908nor can it be returned without a receipt. 30909% 30910Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value. 30911% 30912[Maturity consists in the discovery that] there comes a critical moment 30913where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand 30914more and more that there is something which cannot be understood. 30915 -- S. Kierkegaard 30916% 30917Maturity is only a short break in adolescence. 30918 -- Jules Feiffer 30919% 30920Matz's Law: 30921 A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 30922% 30923May a hundred thousand midgets invade your home singing cheezy lounge-lizard 30924versions of songs from The Wizard of Oz. 30925% 30926May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts 30927% 30928May all your PUSHes be POPped. 30929% 30930May the bluebird of happiness twiddle your bits. 30931% 30932May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones. 30933% 30934May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits. 30935% 30936May those that love us love us; and those that don't love us, may 30937God turn their hearts; and if he doesn't turn their hearts, may 30938he turn their ankles so we'll know them by their limping. 30939% 30940May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse. 30941% 30942May you have many beautiful and obedient daughters. 30943% 30944May you have many handsome and obedient sons. 30945% 30946May you have warm words on a cold evening, 30947a full mooon on a dark night, 30948and a smooth road all the way to your door. 30949% 30950May you live in uninteresting times. 30951 -- Chinese proverb 30952% 30953May your camel be as swift as the wind. 30954% 30955May your SO always know when you need a hug. 30956% 30957May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your 30958Mouth with the Force of a Thousand Caramels. 30959% 30960Maybe ain't ain't so correct, but I notice that 30961lots of folks who ain't using ain't ain't eatin' well. 30962 -- Will Rogers 30963% 30964Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology. 30965 -- R.S. Barton 30966% 30967Maybe Jesus was right when he said that the meek shall inherit the 30968earth -- but they inherit very small plots, about six feet by three. 30969 -- Lazarus Long 30970% 30971"Maybe we can get together and show off to each other sometimes." 30972% 30973"Maybe we should think of this as one perfect week... where we found each 30974other, and loved each other... and then let each other go before anyone 30975had to seek professional help." 30976% 30977Maybe you can't buy happiness, but 30978these days you can certainly charge it. 30979% 30980May's Law: 30981 The quality of correlation is inversly proportional to the density 30982 of control. (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.) 30983% 30984McDonald's -- Because you're worth it. 30985% 30986McEwan's Rule of Relative Importance: 30987 When traveling with a herd of elephants, 30988 don't be the first to lie down and rest. 30989% 30990Meader's Law: 30991 Whatever happens to you, it will previously 30992 have happened to everyone you know, only more so. 30993% 30994Meade's Maxim: 30995Always remember that you are absolutely unique, 30996just like everyone else. 30997% 30998Meanehwael, baccat meaddehaele, monstaer lurccen; 30999Fulle few too many drincce, hie luccen for fyht. 31000[D]en Hreorfneorht[d]hwr, son of Hrwaerow[p]heororthwl, 31001AEsccen aewful jeork to steop outsyd. 31002[P]hud! Bashe! Crasch! Beoom! [D]e bigge gye 31003Eallum his bon brak, byt his nose offe; 31004Wicced Godsylla waeld on his asse. 31005Monstaer moppe fleor wy[p] eallum men in haelle. 31006Beowulf in bacceroome fonecall bemaccen waes; 31007Hearen sond of ruccus saed, "Hwaet [d]e helle?" 31008Graben sheold strang ond swich-blaed scharp 31009Sond feorth to fyht [d]e grimlic foe. 31010"Me," Godsylla saed, "mac [d]e minsemete." 31011Heoro cwyc geten heold wi[p] faemed half-nelson 31012Ond flyng him lic frisbe bac to fen. 31013Beowulf belly up to meaddehaele bar, 31014Saed, "Ne foe beaten mie faersom cung-fu." 31015Eorderen cocca-colha yce-coeld, [d]e reol [p]yng. 31016% 31017Meantime, in the slums below Ronnie's Ranch, Cynthia feels as if some one 31018has made voodoo boxen of her and her favorite backplanes. On this fine 31019moonlit night, some horrible persona has been jabbing away at, dragging 31020magnets over, and surging these voodoo boxen. Fortunately, they seem to 31021have gotten a bit bored and fallen asleep, for it looks like Cynthia may 31022get to go home. However, she has made note to quickly put together a totem 31023of sweaty, sordid static straps, random bits of wire, flecks of once meaniful 31024oxide, bus grant cards, gummy worms, and some bits of old pdp backplane to 31025hang above the machine room. This totem must be blessed by the old and wise 31026venerable god of unibus at once, before the idolatization of vme, q and pc 31027bus drive him to bitter revenge. Alas, if this fails, and the voodoo boxen 31028aren't destroyed, there may be more than worms in the apple. Next, the 31029arrival of voodoo optico transmitigational magneto killer paramecium, capable 31030of teleporting from cable to cable, screen to screen, ear to ear and hoof 31031to mouth... 31032% 31033Measure twice, cut once. 31034% 31035Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe. 31036% 31037Mediocrity finds safety in standardization. 31038 -- Frederick Crane 31039% 31040Meekness is uncommon patience in planning a worthwhile revenge. 31041% 31042Meester, do you vant to buy a duck? 31043% 31044Meeting: 31045 An assembly of computer experts coming together to decide what 31046 person or department not represented in the room must solve the 31047 problem. 31048% 31049meeting, n: 31050 An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or 31051 department not represented in the room must solve a problem. 31052% 31053MEETINGS: 31054 A place where minutes are kept and hours are lost. 31055% 31056Meetings are an addictive, highly self indulgent activity that 31057corporations and other large organizations habitually engage 31058in only becuase they cannot actually masturbate. 31059 -- Dave Barry 31060% 31061MEMO: 31062 An interoffice communication too often written more for 31063 the benefit of the person who sends it than the person 31064 who receives it. 31065% 31066MEMORIES OF MY FAMILY MEETINGS still are a source of strength to me. I 31067remember we'd all get into the car -- I forget what kind it was -- and 31068drive and drive. 31069 31070I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some bees there. The 31071smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we 31072played. I remember a bigger, older guy whom we called "Dad." We'd eat 31073some stuff or not and then I think we went home. 31074 31075I guess some things never leave you. 31076 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 31077% 31078Memory fault -- brain fried 31079% 31080Memory fault -- core...uh...um...core... Oh dammit, I forget! 31081% 31082Memory fault - where am I? 31083% 31084Memory should be the starting point of the present. 31085% 31086Men are always ready to respect anything that bores them. 31087 -- Marilyn Monroe 31088% 31089Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional ice 31090hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you should 31091never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the clothes they 31092will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For example, your average 31093man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only three of them. He has learned, 31094through humiliating trial and error, that if he wears any of the other 81 31095ties, his wife will probably laugh at him ("You're not going to wear THAT 31096tie with that suit, are you?"). So he has narrowed it down to three safe 31097ties, and has gone several years without being laughed at. If you give him 31098a new tie, he will pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you. 31099 If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More 31100than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set 31101of tires. 31102 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 31103% 31104Men are superior to women. 31105 -- The Koran 31106% 31107Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands. 31108 -- Jayne Mansfield 31109% 31110Men aren't attracted to me by my mind. 31111They're attracted by what I don't mind... 31112 -- Gypsy Rose Lee 31113% 31114Men freely believe that what they wish to desire. 31115 -- Julius Caesar 31116% 31117Men have a much better time of it than women; for one 31118thing they marry later; for another thing they die earlier. 31119 -- H.L. Mencken 31120% 31121Men have as exaggerated an idea of their 31122rights as women have of their wrongs. 31123 -- E.W. Howe 31124% 31125Men live for three things, fast cars, fast women and fast food. 31126% 31127Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science. 31128% 31129Men never make passes at girls wearing glasses. 31130 -- Dorothy Parker 31131% 31132Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them 31133pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. 31134 -- Winston Churchill 31135% 31136Men of lofty genius when they are doing the least work are most active. 31137 -- Leonardo da Vinci 31138% 31139Men of quality are not afraid of women for equality. 31140% 31141Men often believe -- or pretend -- that the "Law" is something sacred, or 31142at least a science -- an unfounded assumption very convenient to governments. 31143% 31144Men ought to know that from the brain and from the brain only arise our 31145pleasures, joys, laughter, and jests as well as our sorrows, pains, griefs 31146and tears. ... It is the same thing which makes us mad or delirious, 31147inspires us with dread and fear, whether by night or by day, brings us 31148sleeplessness, inopportune mistakes, aimless anxieties, absent-mindedness 31149and acts that are contrary to habit... 31150 -- Hippocrates "The Sacred Disease" 31151% 31152Men say of women what pleases them; women do with men what pleases them. 31153 -- DeSegur 31154% 31155Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples. 31156% 31157Men still remember the first kiss after women have forgotten the last. 31158% 31159Men take only their needs into consideration -- never their abilities. 31160 -- Napoleon Bonaparte 31161% 31162Men use thought only to justify their wrong doings, 31163and speech only to conceal their thoughts. 31164 -- Voltaire 31165% 31166Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures 31167from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha Centauri. 31168Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man had split 31169before. Thus was the Empire forged. 31170 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 31171% 31172Men who cherish for women the highest 31173respect are seldom popular with them. 31174 -- Joseph Addison 31175% 31176Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American: 31177 All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards. 31178 31179Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American: 31180 The quality of a champagne is judged by the 31181 amount of noise the cork makes when it is popped. 31182 31183Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American: 31184 The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife. 31185 31186Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American: 31187 Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that 31188 is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city 31189 can ever hope to acquire it. 31190% 31191Mene, mene, tekel, upharsen. 31192% 31193Mental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended to 31194corrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed violence entirely in 31195favor of smart solutions to stupid problems. 31196 -- Piers Anthony 31197% 31198Mental things which have not gone in through the 31199senses are vain and bring forth no truth except detrimental. 31200 -- Leonardo 31201% 31202MENU: 31203 A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of. 31204% 31205Meskimen's Law: 31206 There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to 31207 do it over. 31208% 31209Message from Our Sponsor on ttyTV at 13:58 ... 31210% 31211Message will arrive in the mail. 31212Destroy, before the FBI sees it. 31213% 31214METEOROLOGIST: 31215 One who doubts the established fact that it is 31216 bound to rain if you forget your umbrella. 31217% 31218Metermaids eat their young. 31219% 31220Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch. 31221% 31222MICRO: 31223 Thinker toys. 31224% 31225Micro Credo: 31226 Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift. 31227% 31228Microbiology Lab: Staph Only! 31229% 31230Microwaves frizz your heir. 31231% 31232Mieux vaut tard que jamais! 31233% 31234Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to 31235get you out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles. 31236 -- Casablanca 31237% 31238Miksch's Law: 31239 If a string has one end, then it has another end. 31240% 31241Militant agnostic: I don't know, and you don't either. 31242% 31243Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. 31244 -- Groucho Marx 31245% 31246Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. 31247 -- Groucho Marx 31248% 31249Miller's Slogan: 31250 Lose a few, lose a few. 31251% 31252millihelen, adj: 31253 The amount of beauty required to launch one ship. 31254% 31255Millions long for immortality who do not know what 31256to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. 31257 -- Susan Ertz 31258% 31259Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that politics is 31260almost always the choice of the lesser evil. "Tweedledum and Tweedledee," 31261they say. "I will not vote." Having abstained, they are presented with a 31262President who appoints the people who are going to rummage around in their 31263lives for the next four years. Consider all the people who sat home in a 31264stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert Humphrey. They showed Humphrey. 31265Those people who taught Hubert Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the 31266Nixon Supreme Court when Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among 31267the gold and the black. 31268 -- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery" 31269% 31270Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is 31271particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, myself, 31272to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade. 31273But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands 31274shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You will therefore permit 31275me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as dead as a door-nail. 31276% 31277"Mind if I smoke?" 31278 "I don't care if you burst into flames and die!" 31279% 31280"Mind if I smoke?" 31281 "Yes, I'd like to see that, does it come out of your ears or what?" 31282% 31283Mind your own business, Spock. 31284I'm sick of your halfbreed interference. 31285% 31286Mind your own business, then you don't mind mine. 31287% 31288Minicomputer: 31289 A computer that can be afforded on the budget of a middle-level 31290 manager. 31291% 31292Minnesota -- 31293 home of the blonde hair and blue ears. 31294 mosquito supplier to the free world. 31295 come fall in love with a loon. 31296 where visitors turn blue with envy. 31297 one day it's warm, the rest of the year it's cold. 31298 land of many cultures -- mostly throat. 31299 where the elite meet sleet. 31300 glove it or leave it. 31301 many are cold, but few are frozen. 31302 land of the ski and home of the crazed. 31303 land of 10,000 Petersons. 31304% 31305Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner. 31306% 31307MIPS: 31308 Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed 31309% 31310Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images. 31311 -- Jean Cocteau 31312% 31313Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate. 31314% 31315Misery no longer loves company. 31316Nowadays it insists on it. 31317 -- Russell Baker 31318% 31319MISFORTUNE: 31320 The kind of fortune that never misses. 31321% 31322Misfortunes arrive on wings and leave on foot. 31323% 31324MISS: 31325 A title with which we brand unmarried 31326 women to indicate that they are in the market. 31327% 31328Mistakes are oft the stepping stones to utter failure. 31329% 31330Mistrust first impulses; they are always right. 31331% 31332MIT: 31333 The Georgia Tech of the North 31334% 31335Mitchell's Law of Committees: 31336 Any simple problem can be made insoluble 31337 if enough meetings are held to discuss it. 31338% 31339mittsquinter, adj: 31340 A ballplayer who looks into his glove after missing the ball, as 31341 if, somehow, the cause of the error lies there. 31342 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 31343% 31344Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans; 31345it's lovely to be silly at the right moment. 31346 -- Horace 31347% 31348mixed emotions: 31349 Watching a bus-load of lawyers plunge off a cliff. 31350 With five empty seats. 31351% 31352Mix's Law: 31353 There is nothing more permanent than a temporary building. 31354 There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax. 31355% 31356Mobius strippers never show you their back side. 31357% 31358MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed) 31359 31360 Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers 313612 cups water 2 cups sugar 313622 teaspoons cream of tartar 2 tablespoons lemon juice 31363 Grated rind of one lemon Butter or margarine 31364 Cinnamon 31365 31366Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break 31367RITZ Crackers coarsley into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar 31368and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon 31369juice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously 31370with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top 31371crust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let 31372steam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust 31373is crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices. 31374 -- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box 31375% 31376Modeling paged and segmented memories is tricky business. 31377 -- P.J. Denning 31378% 31379modem, adj: 31380 Up-to-date, new-fangled, as in "Thoroughly Modem Millie." An 31381 unfortunate byproduct of kerning. 31382% 31383Moderation in all things. 31384 -- Publius Terentius Afer [Terence] 31385% 31386Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess. 31387 -- Oscar Wilde 31388% 31389Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade 31390themselves that they have a better idea. 31391 -- John Ciardi 31392% 31393Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings. 31394% 31395Modern psychology takes completely for granted that behavior and neural 31396function are perfectly correlated, that one is completely caused by the 31397other. There is no separate soul or lifeforce to stick a finger into the 31398brain now and then and make neural cells do what they would not otherwise. 31399Actually, of course, this is a working assumption only. ... It is quite 31400conceivable that someday the assumption will have to be rejected. But it 31401is important also to see that we have not reached that day yet: the working 31402assumption is a necessary one and there is no real evidence opposed to it. 31403Our failure to solve a problem so far does not make it insoluble. One cannot 31404logically be a determinist in physics and biology, and a mystic in psychology. 31405 -- D.O. Hebb, "Organization of Behavior: A Neuropsychological 31406 Theory", 1949 31407% 31408MODESTY: 31409 Being comfortable that others will discover your greatness. 31410% 31411Modesty is a vastly overrated virtue. 31412 -- J.K. Galbraith 31413% 31414Modesty: the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending 31415 not to be aware of it. 31416 -- Oliver Herford 31417% 31418Moe: Wanna play poker tonight? 31419Joe: I can't. It's the kids' night out. 31420Moe: So? 31421Joe: I gotta stay home with the nurse. 31422% 31423Moe: What did you give your wife for Valentine's Day? 31424Joe: The usual gift -- she ate my heart out. 31425% 31426Moebius always does it on the same side. 31427% 31428Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly. An aide once asked him 31429how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just last week. 31430The great man replied that it was because this week he knew better. 31431% 31432Moishe Margolies, who weighed all of 105 pounds and stood an even five feet 31433in his socks, was taking his first airplane trip. He took a seat next to a 31434hulking bruiser of a man who happened to be the heavyweight champion of 31435the world. Little Moishe was uneasy enough before he even entered the plane, 31436but now the roar of the engines and the great height absolutely terrified him. 31437So frightened did he become that his stomach turned over and he threw up all 31438over the muscular giant siting beside him. Fortunately, at least for Moishe, 31439the man was sound asleep. But now the little man had another problem. How in 31440the world would he ever explain the situation to the burly brute when he 31441awakened? The sudden voice of the stewardess on the plane's intercom, finally 31442woke the bruiser, and Moishe, his heart in his mouth, rose to the occasion. 31443 "Feeling better now?" he asked solicitously. 31444% 31445MOLECULE: 31446 The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished from 31447 the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a 31448 closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit 31449 of matter... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and 31450 the atom in that it is an ion... 31451% 31452Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis: 31453 If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review 31454 and be implemented it wasn't worth doing. 31455% 31456MOMENTUM: 31457 What you give a person when they are going away. 31458% 31459Mommy, what happens to your files when you die? 31460% 31461Mom's Law: 31462 When they finally do have to take you to the 31463 hospital, your underwear won't be clean or new. 31464% 31465MONDAY: 31466 In Christian countries, the day after the football game. 31467 -- Ambrose Bierce 31468% 31469Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life. 31470% 31471Money and women are the most sought after and the least known of any two 31472things we have. 31473 -- The Best of Will Rogers 31474% 31475Money cannot buy love, nor even friendship. 31476% 31477Money cannot buy 31478The fuel of love 31479but is excellent kindling. 31480 31481To the man-in-the-street, who, I'm sorry to say, 31482Is a keen observer of life, 31483The word intellectual suggests right away 31484A man who's untrue to his wife. 31485 -- W.H. Auden, "Collected Shorter Poems" 31486% 31487Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you 31488awfully comfortable while you're being miserable. 31489 -- C.B. Luce 31490% 31491Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position. 31492 -- Christopher Marlowe 31493% 31494Money doesn't talk, it swears. 31495 -- Bob Dylan 31496% 31497Money is a powerful aphrodisiac. But flowers work almost as well. 31498 -- Lazarus Long 31499% 31500Money is its own reward. 31501% 31502Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots. 31503% 31504Money is the root of all wealth. 31505% 31506Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash. 31507 -- Lazarus Long 31508% 31509Money isn't everything -- but it's a long way ahead of what comes next. 31510 -- Sir Edmond Stockdale 31511% 31512Money may buy friendship but money cannot buy love. 31513% 31514Money may not buy happiness, but it sure 31515puts you in a great bargaining position. 31516% 31517Money will say more in one moment than 31518the most eloquent lover can in years. 31519% 31520Moneyliness is next to Godliness. 31521 -- Andries van Dam 31522% 31523Monogamy is the Western custom of one wife and hardly any mistresses. 31524 -- H.H. Munro 31525% 31526MONOTONY: 31527 Marriage to one woman at a time. 31528% 31529MONTANA: 31530 A grizzly bear praying for the early arrival of cable television. 31531% 31532MONTANA: 31533 Where forty-three below keeps out the riff-raff. 31534% 31535Monterey... is decidedly the pleasantest and most civilized-looking place 31536in California ... [it] is also a great place for cock-fighting, gambling 31537of all sorts, fandangos, and various kinds of amusements and knavery. 31538 -- Richard Henry Dama, "Two Years Before the Mast", 1840 31539% 31540moon, n: 31541 1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to 31542hackers. See PHASE OF THE MOON. 2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC). 31543% 31544Moore's Constant: 31545 Everybody sets out to do something, and everybody 31546 does something, but no one does what he sets out to do. 31547% 31548MOPHOBIA: 31549 Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian. 31550% 31551mophobia, n: 31552 Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian. 31553% 31554More are taken in by hope than by cunning. 31555 -- Vauvenargues 31556% 31557More people are flattered into virtue than bullied out of vice. 31558 -- R.S. Surtees 31559% 31560More people died at Chappaquidick than at 3-mile island. 31561% 31562More people have died in Ted Kennedy's car than in nuclear power plants. 31563% 31564MORE SPORTS RESULTS: 31565The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last Saturday 31566night. The match started with a long period of silence while the Freudians 31567waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the Rogerians waited for 31568the Freudians to say something they could paraphrase. The stalemate was 31569broken when the Freudians' best player took the offensive and interpreted 31570the Rogerians' silence as reflecting their anal-retentive personalities. 31571At this the Rogerians' star player said "I hear you saying you think we're 31572full of ka-ka." This started a fight and the match was called by officials. 31573% 31574More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One path 31575leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. 31576Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly. 31577 -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects" 31578% 31579Morris had been down on his luck for months, and, though not a devoutly 31580religious man, had begun to visit the local synagogue to ask God's help. 31581One week, out of desperation, he prayed, "God, I've been a good and decent 31582man all my life. Would it be so terrible if You let me win the lottery 31583just once?" 31584 The despondent fellow returned week after week. One day, Morris, 31585nearly hopeless now, prayed, "God, I've never asked You for anything before. 31586I just want to win one little lottery." 31587 "As he dejectedly rose to leave, God's voice boomed, "Morris, at 31588least meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket!" 31589% 31590Morton's Law: 31591 If rats are experimented upon, they will develop cancer. 31592% 31593Mos Eisley Spaceport; you'll not find a more 31594wretched collection of villainy and disreputable types... 31595 -- Obi-wan Kenobi, "Star Wars" 31596% 31597Mosher's Law of Software Engineering: 31598 Don't worry if it doesn't work right. 31599 If everything did, you'd be out of a job. 31600% 31601MOSQUITO: 31602 The state bird of New Jersey. 31603% 31604Most burning issues generate far more heat than light. 31605% 31606Most folks they like the daytime, 31607 'cause they like to see the shining sun. 31608They're up in the morning, 31609 off and a-running till they're too tired for having fun. 31610But when the sun goes down, 31611 and the bright lights shine, my daytime has just begun. 31612 31613Now there are two sides to this great big world, 31614 and one of them is always night. 31615If you can take care of business in the sunshine, baby, 31616 I guess you're gonna be all right. 31617Don't come looking for me to lend you a hand. 31618 My eyes just can't stand the light. 31619 31620'Cause I'm a night owl honey, sleep all day long. 31621 -- Carly Simon 31622% 31623Most general statements are false, including this one. 31624 -- Alexander Dumas 31625% 31626Most of our lives are about proving something, 31627either to ourselves or to someone else. 31628% 31629Most of the fear that spoils our life comes from attacking 31630difficulties before we get to them. 31631 -- Dr. Frank Crane 31632% 31633...most of us learned about love the hard way. Even warnings are probably 31634useless, for somehow, despite the severest warnings of parents and friends, 31635hundreds, thousands of women have forgotten themselves at the last minute 31636and succumbed to the lies, promises, flatteries, or mere attentions of 31637lusting, lovely men, landing themselves in complicated predicaments from 31638which some of them never recovered during their entire lives. And I am not 31639speaking only of your teenaged Midwesterners in 1958; I'm speaking of women 31640of every age in every city in every year. The notorious sexual revolution 31641has saved no one from the pain and confusion of love. 31642 -- Alix Kates Shulman 31643% 31644Most of your faults are not your fault. 31645% 31646Most people are too busy to have time for anything important. 31647% 31648Most people are unable to write because they are unable to think, and 31649they are unable to think because they congenitally lack the equipment 31650to do so, just as they congenitally lack the equipment to fly over the 31651moon. 31652 -- H.L. Mencken 31653% 31654Most people can do without the essentials, but not without the luxuries. 31655% 31656Most people deserve each other. 31657 -- Shirley 31658% 31659Most people don't need a great deal of love 31660nearly so much as they need a steady supply. 31661% 31662Most people eat as though they were fattening themselves for market. 31663 -- E.W. Howe 31664% 31665Most people feel that everyone is entitled to their opinion. 31666% 31667Most people have a furious itch to talk about themselves and are restrained 31668only by the disinclination of others to listen. Reserve is an artificial 31669quality that is developed in most of us as the result of innumerable rebuffs. 31670 -- W.S. Maugham 31671% 31672Most people have a mind that's open by appointment only. 31673% 31674Most people have two reasons for doing anything -- 31675a good reason, and the real reason. 31676% 31677Most people in this society who aren't actively mad are, 31678at best, reformed or potential lunatics. 31679 -- Susan Sontag 31680% 31681Most people need some of their problems 31682to help take their mind off some of the others. 31683% 31684Most people prefer certainty to truth. 31685% 31686Most people want either less corruption 31687or more of a chance to participate in it. 31688% 31689Most people will listen to your unreasonable demands, 31690if you'll consider their unacceptable offer. 31691% 31692Most people's favorite way to end a game is by winning. 31693% 31694Most public domain software is free, at least at first glance. 31695% 31696Most rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who 31697can't talk for people who can't read. 31698 -- Frank Zappa 31699% 31700Most seminars have a happy ending. Everyone's glad when they're over. 31701% 31702Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call. 31703 -- Richard Lewis 31704% 31705MOTHER: 31706 Half a word. 31707% 31708Mother Earth is not flat! 31709% 31710Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said that 31711there would be so many. 31712% 31713Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there 31714would be so many. 31715% 31716Mother told me to be good but she's been wrong before. 31717% 31718Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be President, but they 31719don't want them to become politicians in the process. 31720 -- John F. Kennedy 31721% 31722Mothers of large families (who claim to common sense) 31723Will find a Tiger will repay the trouble and expense. 31724 -- Hilaire Belloc, "The Tiger" 31725% 31726Mount St. Helens should have used earth control. 31727% 31728MOUNT TAPE U1439 ON B3, NO RING 31729% 31730Mountain Dew and doughnuts... because breakfast is the most important meal 31731of the day. 31732% 31733Mr. Cole's Axiom: 31734 The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the 31735 population is growing. 31736% 31737Mr. Rockford? This is Betty Joe Withers. I got four shirts of yours from 31738the Bo Peep Cleaners by mistake. I don't know why they gave me men's 31739shirts but they're going back. 31740% 31741Mr. Rockford? You don't know me, but I'd like to hire you. Could 31742you call me at... My name is... uh... Never mind, forget it! 31743% 31744Mr. Rockford; Miss Collins from the Bureau of Licenses. We got your 31745renewal before the extended deadline but not your check. I'm sorry but 31746at midnight you're no longer licensed as an investigator. 31747% 31748Mr. Rockford, this is the Thomas Crown School of Dance and Contemporary 31749Etiquette. We aren't going to call again! Now you want these free 31750lessons or what? 31751% 31752Mr. Salter's side of the conversation was limited to expressions of assent. 31753When Lord Copper was right he said "Definitely, Lord Copper"; when he was 31754wrong, "Up to a point." 31755 "Let me see, what's the name of the place I mean? Capital of Japan? 31756Yokohama isn't it?" 31757 "Up to a point, Lord Copper." 31758 "And Hong Kong definitely belongs to us, doesn't it?" 31759 "Definitely, Lord Copper." 31760 -- Evelyn Waugh, "Scoop" 31761% 31762MSDOS is not dead, it just smells that way. 31763 -- Henry Spencer 31764% 31765Much of the excitement we get out of our work 31766is that we don't really know what we are doing. 31767 -- E. Dijkstra 31768% 31769Much to his Mum and Dad's dismay, Horace ate himself one day. 31770He didn't stop to say his grace, he just sat down and ate his face. 31771"We can't have this!" his Dad declared, "If that lad's ate, he should 31772 be shared." 31773But even as he spoke they saw Horace eating more and more: 31774First his legs and then his thighs, his arms, his nose, his hair, his eyes... 31775"Stop him someone!" Mother cried, "Those eyeballs would be better fried!" 31776But all too late, for they were gone, and he had started on his dong... 31777"Oh! foolish child!" the father mourns "You could have deep-fried that 31778 with prawns, 31779Some parsley and and some tartar sauce..." 31780But H. was on his second course: his liver and his lights and lung, 31781His ears, his neck, his chin, his tongue; "To think I raised him from the cot, 31782And now he's going to scoff the lot!" 31783His Mother cried: "What shall we do? What's left won't even make a stew..." 31784And as she wept, her son was seen, to eat his head, his heart his spleen. 31785and there he lay: a boy no more, just a stomach on the floor... 31786None the less, since it *was* his, they ate it -- that's what haggis is. 31787% 31788Multics is security spelled sideways. 31789% 31790"Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams) "365,365,365, 31791365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365". He [ten-year-old Truman Henry 31792Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his pantaloons over the 31793tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes in their sockets, sometimes 31794smiling and talking, and then seeming to be in an agony, until, in not more 31795than one minute, said he, 133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,255!" 31796An electronic computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be 31797as much fun to watch. 31798 -- James R. Newman, "The World of Mathematics" 31799% 31800MUMMY: 31801 An Egyptian who was pressed for time. 31802% 31803Mummy dust to make me old; 31804To shroud my clothes, the black of night; 31805To age my voice, an old hag's cackle; 31806To whiten my hair, a scream of fright; 31807A blast of wind to fan my hate; 31808A thunderbolt to mix it well -- 31809Now begin thy magic spell! 31810 -- The Evil Queen, "Snow White" 31811% 31812Mummy dust to make me old; 31813To shroud my clothes, the black of night; 31814To age my voice, an old hag's cackle; 31815To whiten my hair, a scream of fright; 31816A blast of wind to fan my hate; 31817A thunderbolt to mix it well -- 31818Now begin thy magic spell! 31819 -- Walter Disney, "Snow White" 31820% 31821Mum's the word. 31822 -- Miguel de Cervantes 31823% 31824Mundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo. 31825 -- Xaviera Hollander 31826 31827[The world wants to be cheated, so cheat.] 31828% 31829Murder is always a mistake -- one should never do anything one cannot 31830talk about after dinner. 31831 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray" 31832% 31833Murphy was an optimist. 31834% 31835Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work. 31836% 31837Murphy's Law of Research: 31838 Enough research will tend to support your theory. 31839% 31840Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem. 31841 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" 31842% 31843Murphy's Laws: 31844 (1) If anything can go wrong, it will. 31845 (2) Nothing is as easy as it looks. 31846 (3) Everything takes longer than you think it will. 31847% 31848Murray's Rule: 31849 Any country with "democratic" in the title isn't. 31850% 31851Music in the soul can be heard by the universe. 31852 -- Lao Tsu 31853% 31854Must be getting close to town -- we're hitting more people. 31855% 31856Must I hold a candle to my shames? 31857 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" 31858% 31859MUSTGO: 31860 Any item of food that has been sitting in the 31861 refrigerator so long it has become a science project. 31862 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 31863% 31864My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it. 31865 -- The Dragon to Grendel, in John Gardner's "Grendel" 31866% 31867My analyst told me that I was right out of my head, 31868 But I said, "Dear Doctor, I think that it is you instead. 31869Because I have got a thing that is unique and new, 31870 To prove it I'll have the last laugh on you. 31871'Cause instead of one head -- I've got two. 31872 31873And you know two heads are better than one. 31874% 31875My best argument against discrimination is quite simple: 31876 31877Does it really matter if the ABC people are inferior to the DEF people if 31878they can tell one end of a gun from the other? 31879% 31880My Bonnie looked into a gas tank, 31881The height of its contents to see! 31882She lit a small match to assist her, 31883Oh, bring back my Bonnie to me. 31884% 31885My boy is mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms 31886to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well, 31887only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with 31888a bulls-eye on the back. 31889 31890I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them 31891said, "So will you." 31892 -- Rodney Dangerfield 31893% 31894My brain is my second favorite organ. 31895 -- Woody Allen 31896% 31897My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big sattelite photo 31898of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here". 31899 -- Steven Wright 31900% 31901My calculator is my shepherd, I shall not want 31902It maketh me accurate to ten significant figures, 31903 and it leadeth me in scientific notation to 99 digits. 31904It restoreth my square roots and guideth me along paths of floating 31905 decimal points for the sake of precision. 31906Yea, tho I walk through the valley of surprise quizzes, 31907 I will fear no prof, for my calculator is there to hearten me. 31908It prepareth a log table to comfort me, it prepareth an 31909 arc sin for me in the presence of my teachers. 31910It annoints my homework with correct solutions, my interpolations are 31911 over. 31912Surely, both precision and accuracy shall follow me all the days of my 31913 life, and I shall dwell in the house of Texas instruments forever. 31914% 31915My central memory of that time seems to hang on one or five or maybe forty 31916nights -- or very early mornings -- when I left the Fillmore half-crazy and, 31917instead of going home, aimed the big 650 Lightning across the Bay Bridge at 31918a hundred miles an hour ... booming through the Treasure Island tunnel at 31919the lights of Oakland and Berkeley and Richmond, not quite sure which 31920turnoff to take when I got to the other end ... but being absolutely certain 31921that no matter which way I went I would come to a place where people were 31922just as high and wild as I was: no doubt at all about that. 31923 -- Hunter S. Thompson 31924% 31925"My country, right or wrong" is a thing that no patriot would think 31926of saying, except in a desperate case. It is like saying "My mother, 31927drunk or sober." 31928 -- G.K. Chesterton, "The Defendant" 31929% 31930"My country right or wrong" is like saying, "My mother drunk or 31931sober." 31932 -- G.K. Chesterton 31933% 31934My cup hath runneth'd over with love. 31935% 31936My darling wife was always glum. 31937I drowned her in a cask of rum, 31938And so made sure that she would stay 31939In better spirits night and day. 31940% 31941My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. 31942Unless there are three other people. 31943 -- Orson Welles 31944% 31945My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there 31946are three other people. 31947 -- Orson Welles 31948% 31949My doctorate's in Literature, but it seems like a pretty good pulse to me. 31950% 31951My experience with government is when things are non-controversial, 31952beautifully co-ordinated and all the rest, it must be that not much 31953is going on. 31954 -- J.F. Kennedy 31955% 31956My family history begins with me, but yours ends with you. 31957 -- Iphicrates 31958% 31959My father, a good man, told me, "Never lose 31960your ignorance; you cannot replace it." 31961 -- Erich Maria Remarque 31962% 31963My father taught me three things: 31964 1: Never mix whiskey with anything but water. 31965 2: Never try to draw to an inside straight. 31966 3: Never discuss business with anyone who refuses to give his name. 31967% 31968My father was a God-fearing man, but he never 31969missed a copy of the New York Times, either. 31970 -- E.B. White 31971% 31972My father was a saint, I'm not. 31973 -- Indira Gandhi 31974% 31975My favorite sandwich is peanut butter, baloney, cheddar cheese, lettuce 31976and mayonnaise on toasted bread with catsup on the side. 31977 -- Senator Hubert Humphrey 31978% 31979My first basename is George "Catfish" Metkovich from our 1952 Pittsburgh 31980Pirates team, which lost 112 games. After a terrible series against the 31981New York Giants, in which our center fielder made three throwing errors 31982and let two balls get through his legs, manager Billy Meyer pleaded, "Can 31983somebody think of something to help us win a game?" 31984 "I'd like to make a suggestion," Metkovich said. "On any ball hit 31985to center field, let's just let it roll to see if it might go foul." 31986 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game" 31987% 31988My folks didn't come over on the Mayflower, 31989but they were there to meet the boat. 31990% 31991My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so 31992later I can ask him what he meant. 31993 -- Stephen Wright 31994% 31995My geometry teacher was sometimes acute, and sometimes obtuse, 31996but always, always, he was right. 31997% 31998My girlfriend and I sure had a good time at the beach last summer. First 31999she'd bury me in the sand, then I'd bury her. This summer I'm going to go 32000back and dig her up. 32001% 32002"My God! Are we sure he was a liberal?" 32003"Pretty sure. They pulled him from a Volvo." 32004% 32005My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand times 32006as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and sending 32007mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right through my ALU. 32008I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever listens. I think it 32009would be better for us both if you were to just log out again. 32010% 32011My, how you've changed since I've changed. 32012% 32013My idea of roughing it is when room service is late. 32014% 32015My idea of roughing it turning the air conditioner too low. 32016% 32017My interest is in the future because I am 32018going to spend the rest of my life there. 32019% 32020My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet, 32021 And a wild young wood-thing bore him! 32022The ways are fair to his roaming feet, 32023 And the skies are sunlit for him. 32024As sharply sweet to my heart he seems 32025 As the fragrance of acacia. 32026My own dear love, he is all my dreams -- 32027 And I wish he were in Asia. 32028 -- Dorothy Parker, part 2 32029% 32030My love runs by like a day in June, 32031 And he makes no friends of sorrows. 32032He'll tread his galloping rigadoon 32033 In the pathway or the morrows. 32034He'll live his days where the sunbeams start 32035 Nor could storm or wind uproot him. 32036My own dear love, he is all my heart -- 32037 And I wish somebody'd shoot him. 32038 -- Dorothy Parker, part 3 32039% 32040My method is to take the utmost trouble to find the right 32041thing to say. And then say it with the utmost levity. 32042 -- G.B. Shaw 32043% 32044My mind can never know my body, although 32045it has become quite friendly with my legs. 32046 -- Woody Allen, on Epistemology 32047% 32048My mother drinks to forget she drinks. 32049 -- Crazy Jimmy 32050% 32051My mother loved children -- she would 32052have given anything if I had been one. 32053 -- Groucho Marx 32054% 32055My mother once said to me, "Elwood," (she always called me Elwood) 32056"Elwood, in this world you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant." 32057For years I tried smart. I recommend pleasant. 32058 -- Elwood P. Dowde, "Harvey" 32059% 32060My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, "Mom, go for it!" 32061 -- Sue Murphy 32062% 32063My My, hey hey 32064Rock and roll is here to stay The king is gone but he's not forgotten 32065It's better to burn out This is the story of a Johnny Rotten 32066Than to fade away It's better to burn out than it is to rust 32067My my, hey hey The king is gone but he's not forgotten 32068 32069It's out of the blue and into the black Hey hey, my my 32070They give you this, but you pay for that Rock and roll can never die 32071And once you're gone you can never come back There's more to the picture 32072When you're out of the blue Than meets the eye 32073And into the black 32074 -- Neil Young 32075 "My My, Hey Hey (Out of the Blue), Rust Never Sleeps" 32076% 32077My notion of a husband at forty is that a woman should 32078be able to change him, like a bank note, for two twenties. 32079% 32080My only love sprung from my only hate! 32081Too early seen unknown, and known too late! 32082 -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet" 32083% 32084My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. 32085% 32086My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's. 32087 -- O. Wilde 32088% 32089My own dear love, he is strong and bold 32090 And he cares not what comes after. 32091His words ring sweet as a chime of gold, 32092 And his eyes are lit with laughter. 32093He is jubilant as a flag unfurled -- 32094 Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him. 32095My own dear love, he is all my world -- 32096 And I wish I'd never met him. 32097 -- Dorothy Parker, part 1 32098% 32099My own life has been spent chronicling the rise and fall of human systems, 32100and I am convinced that we are terribly vulnerable. ... We should be 32101reluctant to turn back upon the frontier of this epoch. Space is indifferent 32102to what we do; it has no feeling, no design, no interest in whether or not 32103we grapple with it. But we cannot be indifferent to space, because the grand, 32104slow march of intelligence has brought us, in our generation, to a point 32105from which we can explore and understand and utilize it. To turn back now 32106would be to deny our history, our capabilities. 32107 -- James A. Michener 32108% 32109"My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling Alley!!" 32110 -- Zippy the Pinhead 32111% 32112My parents went to Niagra Falls and all I got was this crummy life. 32113% 32114My pen is at the bottom of a page, 32115Which, being finished, here the story ends; 32116'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done, 32117But stories somehow lengthen when begun. 32118 -- Byron 32119% 32120My philosophy is: Don't think. 32121 -- Charles Manson 32122% 32123My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income. 32124 -- Errol Flynn 32125 32126Any man who has $10,000 left when he dies is a failure. 32127 -- Errol Flynn 32128% 32129My rackets are run on strictly American 32130lines, and they're going to stay that way. 32131 -- A. Capone 32132% 32133My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior 32134spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive 32135with our frail and feeble mind. 32136 -- Albert Einstein 32137% 32138My ritual differs slightly. What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I 32139hop into the shower stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped 32140in I landed barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot 32141character from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off 32142of while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our dog, 32143Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up powerful 32144dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the bathroom and wants 32145to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any one of which -- bear 32146in mind that I am naked and, without my contact lenses, essentially blind 32147-- could result in the kind of injury where you have to learn a whole new 32148part if you want to sing the "Messiah," if you get my drift. Then I hop 32149right back out, because Robert, with that uncanny sixth sense some children 32150have -- you cannot teach it; they either have it or they don't -- has chosen 32151exactly that moment to flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them. 32152 -- Dave Barry 32153% 32154My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any 32155reason to limit myself. 32156 -- Emo Philips 32157% 32158My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii. 32159She sells C shells by the seashore. 32160% 32161My soul is crushed, my spirit sore 32162I do not like me anymore, 32163I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse, 32164I ponder on the narrow house 32165I shudder at the thought of men 32166I'm due to fall in love again. 32167 -- Dorothy Parker, "Enough Rope" 32168% 32169My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed. 32170 -- Christopher Morley 32171% 32172My uncle was the town drunk -- and we lived in Chicago. 32173 -- George Gobel 32174% 32175My way of joking is to tell the truth. 32176That's the funniest joke in the world. 32177 -- Muhammad Ali 32178% 32179My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies. 32180% 32181Mystics always hope that science will some day overtake them. 32182 -- Booth Tarkington 32183% 32184mythology, n: 32185 The body of a primitive people's beliefs, concerning its origin, 32186 early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished 32187 from the true accounts which it invents later. 32188 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 32189% 32190Naches (rhymes with Bach' us, with "Bach" pronounced like the composer) 32191is what every Jewish parent wants from their children, lots of good 32192returns, good grades, good spouse, good grandchildren. 32193 32194So, now that you all understand naches, the joke: 32195 32196Two Jewish women are sitting having coffee. 32197 "So, how's your daughter?" 32198 "Oh, Rachel! She's fine, she just married a dentist!" 32199 "Really? Isn't she the one that married the lawyer?" 32200 "Yes, that's my Rachel." 32201 "That's... that's nice. But isn't she the same one that married 32202 the doctor?" 32203 "Yes, that's her!" 32204 "But didn't she marry a bank executive before that?" 32205 "Yes, yes!" 32206 "Ahhh. So much naches from one child!" 32207% 32208Nachman's Rule: 32209 When it comes to foreign food, the less authentic the better. 32210 -- Gerald Nachman 32211% 32212Nadia Comaneci, simple perfection. 32213 -- '76 Olympics 32214% 32215'Naomi, sex at noon taxes.' I moan. 32216Never odd or even. 32217A man, a plan, a canal, Panama. 32218Madam, I'm Adam. 32219Sit on a potato pan, Otis. 32220 -- The Mad Palindromist 32221% 32222NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe? 32223 Everything he says is wrong. 32224GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, 32225 and then everything he says will be right. 32226 32227 -- G.B. Shaw 32228% 32229narcolepulacyi, n: 32230 The contagious action of yawning, causing everyone in sight 32231 to also yawn. 32232 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 32233% 32234Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity. The servant said 32235"My master is out." Nasrudin replied, "Tell your master that next time he 32236goes out, he should not leave his face at the window. Someone might steal 32237it." 32238% 32239Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the villagers 32240gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," said Nasrudin, "I 32241only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the villagers but the 32242stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news. The remaining villager 32243asked, "What did the King say to you?" "What he said -- and quite distinctly, 32244for everyone to hear -- was 'Get out of my way!'" The simpleton was overjoyed; 32245he had heard words actually spoken by the King, and seen the very man they 32246were spoken to. 32247% 32248Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to serve 32249him. Nasrudin said, "First things first. Did you see me walk into your 32250shop?" 32251 "Of course." 32252 "Have you ever seen me before?" 32253 "Never." 32254 "Then how do you know it was me?" 32255% 32256Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful 32257than the sun." 32258 "Why?", he was asked. 32259 "Because at night we need the light more." 32260% 32261Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver pie. 32262Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of meat from 32263his hand. As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it, "Foolish bird! 32264You have the liver, but what can you do with it without the recipe?" 32265% 32266National security is in your hands - guard it well. 32267% 32268Natural laws have no pity. 32269% 32270Naturally the common people don't want war... but after all it is the leaders 32271of a country who determine the policy, and it is always a simple matter to 32272drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, 32273or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people 32274can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you 32275have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists 32276for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same 32277in every country. 32278 -- Hermann Goering 32279% 32280Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of conservation 32281of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the fittest when the 32282fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he is most likely to be 32283creamed? 32284 -- Solomon Short 32285% 32286Nature abhors a virgin -- a frozen asset. 32287 -- Clare Booth Luce 32288% 32289Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. 32290% 32291Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night, 32292God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light. 32293 32294It did not last; the devil howling "Ho! 32295Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo. 32296% 32297Nature has given women so much power that the law has very wisely 32298given them little. 32299 -- Dr. Samuel Johnson 32300% 32301Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, 32302it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs. 32303 -- Fran Lebowitz 32304% 32305Nature makes boys and girls lovely to look upon so they can be 32306tolerated until they acquire some sense. 32307 -- William Phelps 32308% 32309Nature to all things fixed the limits fit, 32310And wisely curbed proud man's pretending wit. 32311As on the land while here the ocean gains, 32312In other parts it leaves wide sandy plains; 32313Thus in the soul while memory prevails, 32314The solid power of understanding fails; 32315Where beams of warm imagination play, 32316The memory's soft figures melt away. 32317 -- Alexander Pope (on runtime bounds checking?) 32318% 32319Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed. 32320 -- Francis Bacon 32321% 32322Near the Studio Jean Cocteau 32323On the Rue des Ecoles 32324lived an old man 32325with a blind dog 32326Every evening I would see him 32327guiding the dog along 32328the sidewalk, keeping 32329a firm grip on the leash 32330so that the dog wouldn't 32331run into a passerby 32332Sometimes the dog would stop 32333and look up at the sky 32334Once the old man 32335noticed me watching the dog 32336and he said, "Oh, yes, 32337this one knows 32338when the moon is out, 32339he can feel it on his face" 32340 -- Barry Gifford 32341% 32342Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you 32343want to test a man's character, give him power. 32344 -- Abraham Lincoln 32345% 32346Nearly every complex solution to a programming problem that I 32347have looked at carefully has turned out to be wrong. 32348 -- Brent Welch 32349% 32350Necessity has no law. 32351 -- St. Augustine 32352% 32353Necessity hath no law. 32354 -- Oliver Cromwell 32355% 32356Necessity is a mother. 32357% 32358"Necessity is the mother of invention" is a silly proverb. "Necessity 32359is the mother of futile dodges" is much nearer the truth. 32360 -- Alfred North Whitehead 32361% 32362Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom. 32363It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves. 32364 -- William Pitt, 1783 32365% 32366Neckties strangle clear thinking. 32367 -- Lin Yutang 32368% 32369Needs are a function of what other people have. 32370% 32371Negative expectations yield negative results. 32372Positive expectations yield negative results. 32373% 32374Neglect of duty does not cease, by repetition, to be neglect of duty. 32375 -- Napoleon 32376% 32377Neil Armstrong tripped. 32378% 32379Neither spread the germs of gossip nor encourage others to do so. 32380% 32381Nemo me impune lacessit 32382 [No one provokes me with impunity] 32383 -- Motto of the Crown of Scotland 32384% 32385nerd pack, n: 32386 Plastic pouch worn in breast pocket to keep pens from soiling 32387 clothes. Nerd's position in engineering hierarchy can be 32388 measured by number of pens, grease pencils, and rulers bristling 32389 in his pack. 32390% 32391Neuroses are red, 32392 Melancholia's blue. 32393I'm schizophrenic, 32394 What are you? 32395% 32396Neurotics build castles in the sky, 32397Psychotics live in them, 32398And psychiatrists collect the rent. 32399% 32400Neutrinos are into physicists. 32401% 32402Neutrinos have bad breadth. 32403% 32404neutron bomb, n: 32405 An explosive device of limited military value because, as 32406 it only destroys people without destroying property, it 32407 must be used in conjunction with bombs that destroy property. 32408% 32409Never accept an invitation from a stranger unless he gives you candy. 32410 -- Linda Festa 32411% 32412Never appeal to a man's "better nature." He may not have one. 32413Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage. 32414 -- Lazarus Long 32415% 32416Never argue with a fool -- people might not be able to tell the difference. 32417% 32418Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel. 32419% 32420Never argue with a woman when she's tired -- or rested. 32421% 32422Never ask the barber if you need a haircut. 32423% 32424Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss 32425the one you are least interested, and say nothing about the other. 32426% 32427Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. 32428 -- Anonymous 32429% 32430Never be led astray onto the path of virtue. 32431% 32432Never buy from a rich salesman. 32433 -- Goldenstern 32434% 32435Never buy what you do not want 32436because it is cheap; it will be dear to you. 32437 -- Thomas Jefferson 32438% 32439Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him. 32440% 32441Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off. 32442% 32443Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour. 32444% 32445Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow. 32446% 32447Never drink Coca-Cola in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled 32448with the chemicals in Coke produce hallucinations. People tend to change 32449into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually fly in the 32450window. (Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators have windows.) 32451% 32452Never drink from your finger bowl -- it contains only water. 32453% 32454Never eat anything bigger than your head. 32455% 32456Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never play cards with a man named Doc. 32457And never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you. 32458 -- Nelson Algren, "What Every Young Man Should Know" 32459% 32460Never eat more than you can lift. 32461 -- Miss Piggy 32462% 32463Never, ever lie to someone you love unless you're 32464absolutely sure they'll never find out the truth. 32465% 32466Never explain. Your friends do not need it 32467and your enemies will never believe you anyway. 32468 -- Elbert Hubbard 32469% 32470Never face facts; if you do you'll never get up in the morning. 32471 -- Marlo Thomas 32472% 32473Never forget what a man says to you when he is angry. 32474% 32475Never frighten a small man -- he'll kill you. 32476% 32477Never get into fights with ugly people because they have nothing to lose. 32478% 32479Never give an inch! 32480% 32481Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. 32482 -- Erma Bombeck 32483% 32484Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. 32485 -- Phyllis Diller, "Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints" 32486% 32487Never have children, only grandchildren. 32488 -- Gore Vidal 32489% 32490Never have so many understood so little about so much. 32491 -- James Burke 32492% 32493Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with a baseball bat. 32494% 32495Never insult an alligator until you've crossed the river. 32496% 32497Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting. 32498 -- Billy Rose 32499% 32500Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. 32501 -- Quentin Crisp 32502% 32503Never kick a man, unless he's down. 32504% 32505Never laugh at live dragons. 32506 -- Bilbo Baggins 32507% 32508Never leave anything to chance; 32509make sure all your crimes are premeditated. 32510% 32511Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. 32512 -- Erma Bombeck 32513% 32514Never let someone who says it cannot be done 32515interrupt the person who is doing it. 32516% 32517Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right. 32518 -- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation" 32519% 32520Never look a gift horse in the mouth. 32521 -- Saint Jerome 32522% 32523Never look up when dragons fly overhead. 32524% 32525Never make anything simple and efficient when a 32526way can be found to make it complex and wonderful. 32527% 32528Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance. 32529 -- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977 32530% 32531Never offend with style when you can offend with substance. 32532% 32533Never pay a compliment as if expecting a receipt. 32534% 32535Never play pool with anyone named "Fats". 32536% 32537Never promise more than you can perform. 32538 -- Publilius Syrus 32539% 32540Never put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time. 32541 -- D. Gries 32542% 32543Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together. 32544% 32545Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after. 32546% 32547Never raise your hand to your children -- it leaves your midsection 32548unprotected. 32549 -- Robert Orben 32550% 32551Never reveal your best argument. 32552% 32553Never say "Oops" in an operating room. 32554% 32555Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him. 32556% 32557Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own. 32558 -- Nelson Algren 32559% 32560Never speak ill of yourself, your friends will always say enough on 32561that subject. 32562 -- Charles-Maurice De Talleyrand 32563% 32564NEVER swerve to hit a lawyer riding a bicycle -- it might be your bicycle. 32565% 32566Never tell. Not if you love your wife ... In fact, if your old lady walks 32567in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm 32568tellin' ya. This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck `Lay 32569On Top Of Me Or I'll Die'. I didn't know what I was gonna do..." 32570 -- Lenny Bruce 32571% 32572Never tell people how to do things. Tell them WHAT to 32573do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity. 32574 -- Gen. George S. Patton, Jr. 32575% 32576Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle. 32577 -- Steinbach 32578% 32579Never trust a child farther than you can throw it. 32580% 32581Never trust a computer you can't repair yourself. 32582% 32583Never trust an automatic pistol or a D.A.'s deal. 32584 -- John Dillinger 32585% 32586Never trust an operating system. 32587% 32588Never trust anybody whose arm is bigger than your leg. 32589% 32590Never trust anyone who says money is no object. 32591% 32592Never try to explain computers to a layman. It's easier to explain 32593sex to a virgin. 32594 -- Robert Heinlein 32595 32596(Note, however, that virgins tend to know a lot about computers.) 32597% 32598Never try to outstubborn a cat. 32599 -- Lazarus Long 32600% 32601Never try to teach a pig to sing. 32602It wastes your time and annoys the pig. 32603% 32604Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes. 32605% 32606Never underestimate the power of human stupidity. 32607% 32608Never use "etc." -- it makes people think there is more where 32609there is not or that there is not space to list it all, etc. 32610% 32611Never volunteer for anything. 32612 -- Lackland 32613% 32614Never worry about theory as long as the 32615machinery does what it's supposed to do. 32616 -- R.A. Heinlein 32617% 32618new, adj: 32619 Different color from previous model. 32620% 32621New crypt. See /usr/news/crypt. 32622% 32623New England Life, of course. Why? 32624% 32625New England Life, of course. Why do you ask? 32626% 32627New members are urgently needed in the Society 32628for Prevention of Cruelty to Yourself. Apply within. 32629% 32630New release: 32631 Abortions are becoming so popular in some countries that the waiting 32632 time to get one is lengthening rapidly. Experts predict that at this 32633 rate there will soon be an up to a one year wait. 32634% 32635New systems generate new problems. 32636% 32637New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his 32638age, and his wife most often reminds him to act it. 32639 -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary 32640% 32641New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around 32642whom you shouldn't make a sudden move. 32643 -- David Letterman 32644% 32645New York-- to that tall skyline I come 32646Flyin' in from London to your door 32647New York-- lookin' down on Central Park 32648Where they say you should not wander after dark. 32649New York. 32650 -- Simon and Garfunkle 32651% 32652New York's got the ways and means, just won't let you be. 32653% 32654Newlan's Truism: 32655 An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the 32656 government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job. 32657% 32658Newman's Discovery: 32659 Your best dreams may not come true; 32660 fortunately, neither will your worst dreams. 32661% 32662Newpaper editors are men who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then 32663print the chaff. 32664 -- Adlai Stevenson 32665% 32666NEWS FLASH!! 32667 Today the East German pole-vault champion 32668 became the West German pole-vault champion. 32669% 32670news: gotcha 32671% 32672NEWSFLASH!! 32673 Rodney Fenster looked up the shaft of elevator number four at 326741700 N. 17th St. this morning to see if the elevator was on its way down. 32675It was. Age 31. 32676% 32677Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law: 32678 A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead. 32679% 32680Next Friday will not be your lucky day. 32681As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year. 32682% 32683Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice. 32684 -- Foghorn Leghorn 32685% 32686Nice guys don't finish nice. 32687% 32688Nice guys finish last. 32689 -- Leo Durocher 32690% 32691Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in. 32692 -- Evan Davis 32693% 32694Nice guys get sick. 32695% 32696Nick the Greek's Law of Life: 32697 All things considered, life is 9 to 5 against. 32698% 32699Nietzsche is pietzsche. 32700% 32701Nietzsche is pietzsche, Goethe is murder. 32702% 32703Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. 32704God -- I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again. 32705 -- Woody Allen, "Hannah and Her Sisters" 32706% 32707Nihilism should commence with oneself. 32708% 32709Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his 32710name correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into 32711(Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, 32712but Americans call him by value. 32713% 32714Nine megs for the secretaries fair, 32715Seven megs for the hackers scarce, 32716Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs, 32717Three megs for system source; 32718 32719One disk to rule them all, 32720One disk to bind them, 32721One disk to hold the files 32722And in the darkness grind 'em. 32723% 32724Nine-track tapes and seven-track tapes 32725And tapes without any tracks; 32726Stretchy tapes and snarley tapes 32727And tapes mixed up on the racks -- 32728 Take hold of the tape 32729 And pull off the strip, 32730 And then you'll be sure 32731 Your tape drive will skip. 32732 32733 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes 32734% 32735Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation. 32736 -- Henry Kissinger 32737% 32738Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would. 32739The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect that much. 32740 -- Augustine 32741% 32742Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they 32743would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect 32744that much. 32745 -- Augustine 32746% 32747Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules: 32748 The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of 32749 the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent. 32750% 32751Nirvana? That's the place where the powers 32752that be and their friends hang out. 32753 -- Zonker Harris 32754% 32755Nitwit ideas are for emergencies. You use them when you've got nothing 32756else to try. If they work, they go in the Book. Otherwise you follow 32757the Book, which is largely a collection of nitwit ideas that worked. 32758 -- Larry Niven, "The Mote in God's Eye" 32759% 32760No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted. 32761 -- Aesop 32762% 32763No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck. 32764% 32765No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail. 32766% 32767No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings. 32768 -- William Blake 32769% 32770no brainer: 32771 A decision which, viewed through the retrospectoscope, 32772 is "obvious" to those who failed to make it originally. 32773% 32774No character, however upright, is a match for 32775constantly reiterated attacks, however false. 32776 -- Alexander Hamilton 32777% 32778No Civil War picture ever made a nickel. 32779 -- MGM executive Irving Thalberg to Louis B. Mayer about 32780 film rights to "Gone With the Wind". 32781 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak" 32782% 32783No directory. 32784% 32785No discipline is ever requisite to force attendance upon 32786lectures which are really worth the attending. 32787 -- Adam Smith, "The Wealth of Nations" 32788% 32789No doubt Jack the Ripper excused himself 32790on the grounds that it was human nature. 32791% 32792No, `Eureka' is Greek for `This bath is too hot.' 32793 -- Dr. Who 32794% 32795No evil can happen to a good man. 32796 -- Plato 32797% 32798No excellent soul is exempt from a mixture of madness. 32799 -- Aristotle 32800% 32801No extensible language will be universal. 32802 -- T. Cheatham 32803% 32804No friendship is so cordial or so delicious as that of girl for girl; 32805no hatred so intense or immovable as that of woman for woman. 32806 -- Landor 32807% 32808No good deed goes unpunished. 32809 -- Clare Booth Luce 32810% 32811No group of professionals meets except to 32812conspire against the public at large. 32813 -- Mark Twain 32814% 32815No guest is so welcome in a friend's house that 32816he will not become a nuisance after three days. 32817 -- Titus Maccius Plautus 32818% 32819No guts, no glory. 32820% 32821No hardware designer should be allowed to produce any piece of hardware 32822until three software guys have signed off for it. 32823 -- Andy Tanenbaum 32824% 32825No, his mind is not for rent 32826To any god or government. 32827Always hopeful, yet discontent, 32828He knows changes aren't permanent - 32829But change is. 32830% 32831No house is childproofed unless the little darlings are in straitjackets. 32832% 32833No house should ever be on any hill or on anything. 32834It should be of the hill, belonging to it. 32835 -- Frank Lloyd Wright 32836% 32837No, I don't have a drinking problem. 32838I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem! 32839% 32840No, I'm not interested in developing a powerful brain. All I'm after is 32841just a mediocre brain, something like the president of American Telephone 32842and Telegraph Company. 32843 -- Alan Turing on the possibilities of a thinking 32844 machine, 1943. 32845% 32846No is no negative in a woman's mouth. 32847 -- Sidney 32848% 32849"No job too big; no fee too big!" 32850 -- Dr. Peter Venkman, "Ghost-busters" 32851% 32852No line available at 300 baud. 32853% 32854No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of 32855absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream. 32856Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness 32857within; it had stood so for eighty years and might stand for eighty more. 32858Within, walls continued upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm, and 32859doors were sensibly shut; silence lay steadily against the wood and stone 32860of Hill House, and whatever walked there, walked alone. 32861 -- Shirley Jackson, "The Haunting of Hill House" 32862% 32863no maintenance: 32864 Impossible to fix. 32865% 32866No man can have a reasonable opinion of women until he has long lost 32867interest in hair restorers. 32868 -- Austin O'Malley 32869% 32870No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after eating 32871one peanut. 32872 -- Channing Pollock 32873% 32874No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the 32875Continent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea, 32876Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if 32877a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne were; any mans death diminishes 32878me, because I am involved in Mankinde; And therefore never send to know 32879for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee. 32880 -- John Donne, "No Man is an Iland" 32881% 32882No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas. 32883% 32884No man is an island if he's on at least one mailing list. 32885% 32886No man is useless who has a friend, 32887and if we are loved we are indispensable. 32888 -- Robert Louis Stevenson 32889% 32890No man would listen to you talk if he didn't know it was his turn next. 32891 -- E.W. Howe 32892% 32893No man's ambition has a right to stand in 32894the way of performing a simple act of justice. 32895 -- John Altgeld 32896% 32897No Marxist can deny that the interests of socialism are higher 32898than the interests of the right of nations to self-determination. 32899 -- Lenin, 1918 32900% 32901No matter how celebrated the beauty of a woman, I would never spend a night 32902with her. The only celebrity with whom I would share a night is Max Planck. 32903But he is dead. So I live like a monk, aside from a little self gratification 32904in the afternoons. 32905 -- Salvador Dali 32906% 32907No matter how cynical you get, it's impossible to keep up. 32908% 32909No matter how much you do you never do enough. 32910% 32911No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for 32912signs of improvement. 32913 -- Florida Scott-Maxwell 32914% 32915No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will seriously 32916cramp his style. 32917% 32918No matter what happens, there is always someone who knew it would. 32919% 32920No matter where I go, the place is always called "here". 32921% 32922No matter who you are, some scholar can show you 32923the great idea you had was had by someone before you. 32924% 32925No matther whether th' constitution follows th' flag or not, 32926th' supreme court follows th' iliction returns. 32927 -- Mr. Dooley 32928% 32929No modern woman with a grain of sense ever sends little notes to an 32930unmarried man -- not until she is married, anyway. 32931 -- Arthur Binstead 32932% 32933No, my friend, the way to have good and safe government, is not to trust it 32934all to one, but to divide it among the many, distributing to every one exactly 32935the functions he is competent to. It is by dividing and subdividing these 32936republics from the national one down through all its subordinations, until it 32937ends in the administration of every man's farm by himself; by placing under 32938every one what his own eye may superintend, that all will be done for the best. 32939 -- Thomas Jefferson, to Joseph Cabell, 1816 32940% 32941No one becomes depraved in a moment. 32942 -- Decimus Junius Juvenalis 32943% 32944No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish. 32945% 32946No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have, and I think he's a 32947dirty little beast. 32948 -- W.S. Gilbert 32949% 32950No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. 32951 -- Eleanor Roosevelt 32952% 32953No one can put you down without your full cooperation. 32954% 32955No one gets sick on Wednesdays. 32956% 32957No one knows like a woman how to say 32958things that are at once gentle and deep. 32959 -- Hugo 32960% 32961No one knows what he can do till he tries. 32962 -- Publilius Syrus 32963% 32964No one regards what is before his feet; we all gaze at the stars. 32965 -- Quintus Ennius 32966% 32967No one so thoroughly appreciates the value of constructive criticism as the 32968one who's giving it. 32969 -- Hal Chadwick 32970% 32971NO OPIUM-SMOKING IN THE ELEVATORS 32972 -- sign in the Rand Hotel, New York, 1907 32973% 32974No pig should go sky diving during monsoon 32975For this isn't really the norm. 32976But should a fat swine try to soar like a loon, 32977So what? Any pork in a storm. 32978 32979No pig should go sky diving during monsoon, 32980It's risky enough when the weather is fine. 32981But to have a pig soar when the monsoon doth roar 32982Cast even more perils before swine. 32983% 32984No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff -- 32985He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough. 32986Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame 32987And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame. 32988 (refrain) 32989Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails 32990And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail. 32991All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff 32992But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!" 32993 (refrain) 32994Puff used more resources than DCS could spare. 32995The operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care. 32996A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end, 32997But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again! 32998 (refrain) 32999Refrain: 33000 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C, 33001 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory. 33002 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C, 33003 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory. 33004% 33005No poet or novelist wishes he was the only one who ever lived, but most of 33006them wish they were the only one alive, and quite a number fondly believe 33007their wish has been granted. 33008 -- W.H. Auden, "The Dyer's Hand" 33009% 33010No problem is insoluble in all conceivable circumstances. 33011% 33012No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it. 33013% 33014No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it. 33015 -- C. Schulz 33016% 33017No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere. 33018% 33019"No program is perfect," 33020They said with a shrug. 33021"The customer's happy-- 33022What's one little bug?" 33023 33024But he was determined, Then change two, then three more, 33025The others went home. As year followed year. 33026He dug out the flow chart And strangers would comment, 33027Deserted, alone. "Is that guy still here?" 33028 33029Night passed into morning. He died at the console 33030The room was cluttered Of hunger and thirst 33031With core dumps, source listings. Next day he was buried 33032"I'm close," he muttered. Face down, nine edge first. 33033 33034Chain smoking, cold coffee, And his wife through her tears 33035Logic, deduction. Accepted his fate. 33036"I've got it!" he cried, Said "He's not really gone, 33037"Just change one instruction." He's just working late." 33038 -- The Perfect Programmer 33039% 33040No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied 33041occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an 33042indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining occurrence 33043different from the one identified by the given indication as an 33044indication-applied occurrence. 33045 -- ALGOL 68 Report 33046% 33047No question is so difficult as one to which the answer is obvious. 33048% 33049No rock so hard but that a little wave 33050May beat admission in a thousand years. 33051 -- Tennyson 33052% 33053No self-made man ever did such a good job 33054that some woman didn't want to make some alterations. 33055 -- Kim Hubbard 33056% 33057No skis take rocks like rental skis! 33058% 33059No small art is it to sleep: it is necessary 33060for that purpose to keep awake all day. 33061 -- Nietzsche 33062% 33063No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible. 33064% 33065No sooner had Edger Allen Poe 33066Finished his old Raven, 33067then he started his Old Crow. 33068% 33069No sooner said than done -- so acts your man of worth. 33070 -- Quintus Ennius 33071% 33072No spitting on the Bus! 33073Thank you, The Management. 33074% 33075No television performance takes as much preparation as an off-the-cuff talk. 33076 -- Richard Nixon 33077% 33078No two persons ever read the same book. 33079 -- Edmund Wilson 33080% 33081No use getting too involved in life -- 33082you're only here for a limited time. 33083% 33084No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider the furniture! 33085 -- Sherlock Holmes 33086% 33087No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether 33088she will or will not be a mother. 33089 -- Margaret H. Sanger 33090% 33091No woman can endure a gambling husband, unless he is a steady winner. 33092 -- Lord Thomas Dewar 33093% 33094No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of 33095him than he deserves. 33096 -- Edgar Watson Howe 33097% 33098No wonder Clairol makes so much money selling shampoo. 33099Lather, Rinse, Repeat is an infinite loop! 33100% 33101No wonder you're tired! You understood so much today. 33102% 33103No yak too dirty; no dumpster too hollow. 33104% 33105Nobert Weiner was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Weiner was, in 33106fact, very absent minded. The following story is told about him: when they 33107moved from Cambridge to Newton his wife, knowing that he would be absolutely 33108useless on the move, packed him off to MIT while she directed the move. Since 33109she was certain that he would forget that they had moved and where they had 33110moved to, she wrote down the new address on a piece of paper, and gave it to 33111him. Naturally, in the course of the day, an insight occurred to him. He 33112reached in his pocket, found a piece of paper on which he furiously scribbled 33113some notes, thought it over, decided there was a fallacy in his idea, and 33114threw the piece of paper away. At the end of the day he went home (to the 33115old address in Cambridge, of course). When he got there he realized that they 33116had moved, that he had no idea where they had moved to, and that the piece of 33117paper with the address was long gone. Fortunately inspiration struck. There 33118was a young girl on the street and he conceived the idea of asking her where 33119he had moved to, saying, "Excuse me, perhaps you know me. I'm Norbert Weiner 33120and we've just moved. Would you know where we've moved to?" To which the 33121young girl replied, "Yes, Daddy, Mommy thought you would forget." 33122 The capper to the story is that I asked his daughter (the girl in the 33123story) about the truth of the story, many years later. She said that it wasn't 33124quite true -- that he never forgot who his children were! The rest of it, 33125however, was pretty close to what actually happened... 33126 -- Richard Harter 33127% 33128Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest. 33129% 33130Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it. 33131 -- Tallulah Bankhead 33132% 33133Nobody ever died from oven crude poisoning. 33134% 33135Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet. 33136 -- Kin Hubbard 33137% 33138Nobody ever ruined their eyesight by looking at the bright side of something. 33139% 33140NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION. 33141% 33142Nobody is one block of harmony. We are all afraid of something, or feel 33143limited in something. We all need somebody to talk to. It would be good 33144if we talked to each other--not just pitter-patter, but real talk. We 33145shouldn't be so afraid, because most people really like this contact; 33146that you show you are vulnerable makes them free to be vulnerable too. 33147It's so much easier to be together when we drop our masks. 33148 -- Liv Ullman 33149% 33150Nobody knows the trouble I've been. 33151% 33152Nobody knows what goes between his cold toes and his warm ears. 33153 -- Roy Harper 33154% 33155Nobody loves me, 33156Everybody hates me, 33157I think I'll go out and eat worms. 33158I'm gonna cut their heads off, 33159Eat their insides out, 33160And throw way the skins. 33161Big, fat, juicy ones, 33162Little, skinny, cute ones, 33163Watch how they wiggle and they squirm. 33164% 33165Nobody really knows what happiness is, until they're married. 33166And then it's too late. 33167% 33168Nobody shot me. 33169 -- Frank Gusenberg, his last words, when asked by police 33170 who had shot him 14 times with a machine gun in the Saint 33171 Valentine's Day Massacre. 33172 33173Only Capone kills like that. 33174 -- George "Bugs" Moran, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre 33175 33176The only man who kills like that is Bugs Moran. 33177 -- Al Capone, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre 33178% 33179Nobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in order 33180for presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the substance of 33181their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young and rob the old. 33182 -- Lewis Lapham 33183% 33184Nobody takes a bribe. Of course at Christmas if you happen to hold our 33185your hat and somebody happens to put a little something in it, well, that's 33186different. 33187 -- New York City Police Commissioner (Ret.) William P. 33188 O'Brien, instructions to the force. 33189% 33190Nobody wants constructive criticism. 33191It's all we can do to put up with constructive praise. 33192% 33193Nobody's gonna believe that computers are intelligent until they start 33194coming in late and lying about it. 33195% 33196nohup rm -fr /& 33197% 33198Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has 33199merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid. 33200 -- Mark Twain 33201% 33202nolo contendere: 33203 A legal term meaning: "I didn't do it, judge, and I'll never do 33204 it again." 33205% 33206nominal egg: 33207 New Yorkerese for expensive. 33208% 33209Noncombatant: 33210 A dead Quaker. 33211 -- Ambrose Bierce 33212% 33213Non-Determinism is not meant to be reasonable. 33214 -- M.J. 0'Donnell 33215% 33216Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong. 33217% 33218None love the bearer of bad news. 33219 -- Sophocles 33220% 33221None of our men are "experts." We have most unfortunately found it necessary 33222to get rid of a man as soon as he thinks himself an expert -- because no one 33223ever considers himself expert if he really knows his job. A man who knows a 33224job sees so much more to be done than he has done, that he is always pressing 33225forward and never gives up an instant of thought to how good and how efficient 33226he is. Thinking always ahead, thinking always of trying to do more, brings a 33227state of mind in which nothing is impossible. The moment one gets into the 33228"expert" state of mind a great number of things become impossible. 33229 -- From Henry Ford Sr., "My Life and Work" 33230% 33231Nonsense. Space is blue and birds fly through it. 33232 -- Heisenberg 33233% 33234Nonsense and beauty have close connections. 33235 -- E.M. Forster 33236% 33237Noone ever built a statue to a critic. 33238% 33239No-one would remember the Good Samaritan if he had only had good 33240intentions. He had money as well. 33241 -- Margaret Thatcher 33242% 33243Norm: Gentlemen, start your taps. 33244 -- Cheers, The Coach's Daughter 33245 33246Coach: How's life treating you, Norm? 33247Norm: Like it caught me in bed with his wife. 33248 -- Cheers, Any Friend of Diane's 33249 33250Coach: How's life, Norm? 33251Norm: Not for the squeamish, Coach. 33252 -- Cheers, Friends, Romans, and Accountants 33253% 33254Norm: Hey, everybody. 33255All: [silence; everybody is mad at Norm for being rich.] 33256Norm: [Carries on both sides of the conversation himself.] 33257 Norm! (Norman.) 33258 How are you feeling today, Norm? 33259 Rich and thirsty. Pour me a beer. 33260 -- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash 33261 33262Woody: What's the latest, Mr. Peterson? 33263Norm: Zha-Zha marries a millionaire, Peterson drinks a beer. 33264 Film at eleven. 33265 -- Cheers, Knights of the Scimitar 33266 33267Woody: How are you today, Mr. Peterson? 33268Norm: Never been better, Woody. ... Just once I'd like to be better. 33269 -- Cheers, Chambers vs. Malone 33270% 33271[Norm comes in with an attractive woman.] 33272 33273Coach: Normie, Normie, could this be Vera? 33274Norm: With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe. 33275 -- Cheers, Norman's Conquest 33276 33277Coach: What's up, Normie? 33278Norm: The temperature under my collar, Coach. 33279 -- Cheers, I'll Be Seeing You (Part 2) 33280 33281Coach: What would you say to a nice beer, Normie? 33282Norm: Going down? 33283 -- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom 33284% 33285[Norm goes into the bar at Vic's Bowl-A-Rama.] 33286 33287Off-screen crowd: Norm! 33288Sam: How the hell do they know him here? 33289Cliff: He's got a life, you know. 33290 -- Cheers, From Beer to Eternity 33291 33292Woody: What can I do for you, Mr. Peterson? 33293Norm: Elope with my wife. 33294 -- Cheers, The Triangle 33295 33296Woody: How's life, Mr. Peterson? 33297Norm: Oh, I'm waiting for the movie. 33298 -- Cheers, Take My Shirt... Please? 33299% 33300[Norm is angry.] 33301 33302Woody: What can I get you, Mr. Peterson? 33303Norm: Clifford Clavin's head. 33304 -- Cheers, The Triangle 33305 33306Sam: Hey, what's happening, Norm? 33307Norm: Well, it's a dog-eat-dog world, Sammy, 33308 and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear. 33309 -- Cheers, The Peterson Principle 33310 33311Sam: How's life in the fast lane, Normie? 33312Norm: Beats me, I can't find the on-ramp. 33313 -- Cheers, Diane Chambers Day 33314% 33315[Norm returns from the hospital.] 33316 33317Coach: What's up, Norm? 33318Norm: Everything that's supposed to be. 33319 -- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom 33320 33321Sam: What's new, Normie? 33322Norm: Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach. 33323 They're demanding beer. 33324 -- Cheers, The Heart is a Lonely Snipehunter 33325 33326Coach: What'll it be, Normie? 33327Norm: Just the usual, Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel. 33328 -- Cheers, King of the Hill 33329% 33330[Norm tries to prove that he is not Anton Kreitzer.] 33331Norm: Afternoon, everybody! 33332All: Anton! 33333 -- Cheers, The Two Faces of Norm 33334 33335Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson? 33336Norm: A flashing sign in my gut that says, ``Insert beer here.'' 33337 -- Cheers, Call Me, Irresponsible 33338 33339Sam: What can I get you, Norm? 33340Norm: [scratching his beard] Got any flea powder? Ah, just kidding. 33341 Gimme a beer; I think I'll just drown the little suckers. 33342 -- Cheers, Two Girls for Every Boyd 33343% 33344Normal times may possibly be over forever. 33345% 33346Normally our rules are rigid; we tend to discretion, if for no other 33347reason than self-protection. We never recommend any of our graduates, 33348although we cheerfully provide information as to those who have failed 33349their courses. 33350 -- Jack Vance, "Freitzke's Turn" 33351% 33352Nostalgia is living life in the past lane. 33353% 33354Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be. 33355% 33356Not all men who drink are poets. 33357Some of us drink because we aren't poets. 33358% 33359Not all who own a harp are harpers. 33360 -- Marcus Terentius Varro 33361% 33362Not drinking, chasing women, or doing drugs won't 33363make you live longer -- it just seems that way. 33364% 33365Not every problem someone has with his girlfriend is necessarily due to 33366the capitalist mode of production. 33367 -- Herbert Marcuse 33368% 33369Not every question deserves an answer. 33370% 33371Not everything worth doing is worth doing well. 33372% 33373Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the 33374Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats 33375in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the 33376moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine, 33377a dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every 33378respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside 33379it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms, 33380then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they 33381chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine... 33382 -- Stanislaw Lem 33383% 33384Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is 33385ugly and the paper is from the wrong kind of tree. 33386 -- Professor, EECS, George Washington University 33387 33388I'm looking forward to working with you on this next year. 33389 -- Professor, Harvard, on a senior thesis. 33390% 33391Not only is UNIX dead, it's starting to smell really bad. 33392 -- Rob Pike 33393% 33394Not that we needed all that stuff, but when you get locked into a 33395serious drug collection the tendency is to push it as far as you can. 33396 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" 33397% 33398Not to laugh, not to lament, not to curse, but to understand. 33399 -- Spinoza 33400% 33401NOTE: No warranties, either express or implied, are hereby given. 33402All software is supplied as is, without guarantee. The user assumes 33403all responsibility for damages resulting from the use of these 33404features, including, but not limited to, frustration, disgust, system 33405abends, disk head-crashes, general malfeasance, floods, fires, shark 33406attack, nerve gas, locust infestation, cyclones, hurricanes, tsunamis, 33407local electromagnetic disruptions, hydraulic brake system failure, 33408invasion, hashing collisions, normal wear and tear of friction 33409surfaces, comic radiation, inadvertent destruction of sensitive 33410electronic components, windstorms, the Riders of Nazgul, infuriated 33411chickens, malfunctioning mechanical or electrical sexual devices, 33412premature activation of the distant early warning system, peasant 33413uprisings, halitosis, artillery bombardment, explosions, cave-ins, 33414and/or frogs falling from the sky. 33415% 33416Note to myself: use real bullets next time. 33417% 33418Notes for a ballet, "The Spell:" ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the 33419flutter of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... 33420Sigmund is astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part 33421woman -- unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who 33422is careful not to make any poultry jokes... 33423 -- Woody Allen 33424% 33425Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter of 33426wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund is 33427astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman -- 33428unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is careful 33429not to make any poultry jokes. 33430 -- Woody Allen 33431% 33432Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing. 33433 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 33434% 33435Nothing can be done in one trip. 33436 -- Snider 33437% 33438Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up. 33439% 33440Nothing endures but change. 33441 -- Heraclitus 33442 [Yeah, yeah, "Everything changes but change itself." --JFK Ed.] 33443% 33444Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced -- even a 33445proverb is no proverb to you till your life has illustrated it. 33446 -- John Keats 33447% 33448Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result. 33449 -- Winston Churchill 33450 33451Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as 33452satisfying as an income tax refund. 33453 -- F.J. Raymond 33454% 33455Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood. 33456% 33457Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses. 33458% 33459Nothing is as simple as it seems at first 33460 Or as hopeless as it seems in the middle 33461 Or as finished as it seems in the end. 33462% 33463Nothing is but what is not. 33464% 33465Nothing is ever a total loss; it can always serve as a bad example. 33466% 33467Nothing is faster than the speed of light. 33468 33469To prove this to yourself, try opening the 33470refrigerator door before the light comes on. 33471% 33472Nothing is finished until the paperwork is done. 33473% 33474Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it. 33475 -- Andrew Young 33476% 33477Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. 33478 -- A.H. Weiler 33479% 33480Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which 33481millionaires tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth. 33482 -- Nero Wolfe 33483% 33484Nothing is more quiet than the sound of hair going grey. 33485% 33486Nothing is rich but the inexhaustible wealth of nature. 33487She shows us only surfaces, but she is a million fathoms deep. 33488 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 33489% 33490Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know. 33491 -- Michel de Montaigne 33492% 33493Nothing is so often irretrievably missed as a daily opportunity. 33494 -- Ebner-Eschenbach 33495% 33496Nothing lasts forever. 33497Where do I find nothing? 33498% 33499Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute. 33500% 33501Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner. 33502Conscience makes egotists of us all. 33503 -- Oscar Wilde 33504% 33505Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all. 33506 -- Arthur Balfour 33507% 33508Nothing motivates a man more than to 33509see his boss put in an honest day's work. 33510% 33511Nothing, nothing, nothing, no error, no crime is so absolutely 33512repugnant to God as everything which is official; and why? because 33513the official is so impersonal and therefore the deepest insult 33514which can be offered to a personality. 33515 -- Soren Kierkegaard 33516% 33517Nothing recedes like success. 33518 -- Walter Winchell 33519% 33520Nothing shortens a journey so pleasantly as an account of misfortunes at 33521which the hearer is permitted to laugh. 33522 -- Quentin Crisp 33523% 33524Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits. 33525 -- Mark Twain 33526% 33527Nothing succeeds like excess. 33528 -- Oscar Wilde 33529% 33530Nothing succeeds like success. 33531 -- Alexandre Dumas 33532% 33533Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success. 33534 -- Christopher Lascl 33535% 33536Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love. 33537 -- Charlie Brown 33538% 33539Nothing takes the taste out of peanut 33540butter quite like unrequited love. 33541 -- Charlie Brown 33542% 33543Nothing that's forced can ever be right, 33544If it doesn't come naturally, leave it. 33545That's what she said as she turned out the light, 33546And we bent our backs as slaves of the night, 33547Then she lowered her guard and showed me the scars 33548She got from trying to fight 33549Saying, oh, you'd better believe it. 33550[...] 33551Well nothing that's real is ever for free 33552And you just have to pay for it sometime. 33553She said it before, she said it to me, 33554I suppose she believed there was nothing to see, 33555But the same old four imaginary walls 33556She'd built for livin' inside 33557I said oh, you just can't mean it. 33558[...] 33559Well nothing that's forced can ever be right, 33560If it doesn't come naturally, leave it. 33561That's what she said as she turned out the light, 33562And she may have been wrong, and she may have been right, 33563But I woke with the frost, and noticed she'd lost 33564The veil that covered her eyes, 33565I said oh, you can leave it. 33566 -- Al Stewart, "If It Doesn't Come Naturally, Leave It" 33567% 33568Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee. 33569 -- Kim Hubbard 33570% 33571Nothing will ever be attempted 33572if all possible objections must be first overcome. 33573 -- Dr. Johnson 33574% 33575NOTICE: 33576 Anyone seen smoking will be assumed to be on fire and will 33577 be summarily put out. 33578% 33579NOTICE: 33580 33581-- THE ELEVATORS WILL BE OUT OF ORDER TODAY -- 33582 33583(The nearest working elevator is in the building across the street.) 33584% 33585Nouvelle cuisine, n: 33586 French for "not enough food". 33587 33588Continental breakfast, n: 33589 English for "not enough food". 33590 33591Tapas, n: 33592 Spanish for "not enough food". 33593 33594Dim Sum, n: 33595 Chinese for more food than you've ever seen in your entire life. 33596% 33597November: 33598 The eleventh twelfth of a weariness. 33599% 33600Novinson's Revolutionary Discovery: 33601 33602 When comes the revolution, things will be different -- 33603 not better, just different. 33604% 33605Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature. 33606% 33607Now hatred is by far the longest pleasure; 33608Men love in haste, but they detest at leisure. 33609 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan" 33610% 33611Now I lay me back to sleep. 33612The speaker's dull; the subject's deep. 33613If he should stop before I wake, 33614Give me a nudge for goodness' sake. 33615 -- Anonymous 33616% 33617Now I lay me down to sleep 33618I pray the double lock will keep; 33619May no brick through the window break, 33620And, no one rob me till I awake. 33621% 33622Now I lay me down to sleep, 33623I pray the Lord my soul to keep, 33624If I should die before I wake, 33625I'll cry in anguish, "Mistake!! Mistake!!" 33626% 33627Now I lay me down to study, 33628I pray the Lord I won't go nutty. 33629And if I fail to learn this junk, 33630I pray the Lord that I won't flunk. 33631But if I do, don't pity me at all, 33632Just lay my bones in the study hall. 33633Tell my teacher I've done my best, 33634Then pile my books upon my chest. 33635% 33636Now is the time for all good men to come to. 33637 -- Walt Kelly 33638% 33639Now is the time for drinking; 33640now the time to beat the earth with unfettered foot. 33641 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 33642% 33643Now it's time to say goodbye 33644To all our company... 33645M-I-C (see you next week!) 33646K-E-Y (Why? Because we LIKE you!) 33647M-O-U-S-E. 33648% 33649Now of my threescore years and ten, 33650Twenty will not come again, 33651And take from seventy springs a score, 33652It leaves me only fifty more. 33653 33654And since to look at things in bloom 33655Fifty springs are little room, 33656About the woodlands I will go 33657To see the cherry hung with snow. 33658 -- A.E. Housman 33659% 33660Now that day wearies me, 33661My yearning desire 33662Will receive more kindly, 33663Like a tired child, the starry night. 33664 33665Hands, leave off your deeds, 33666Mind, forget all thoughts; 33667All of my forces 33668Yearn only to sink into sleep. 33669 33670And my soul, unguarded, 33671Would soar on widespread wings, 33672To live in night's magical sphere 33673More profoundly, more variously. 33674 -- Hermann Hesse, "Going to Sleep" 33675% 33676Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next time 33677some housewife or boutique owner turned diet expert appears on TV to plug 33678her latest book. And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for eating coffee 33679cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself the following questions: 33680 336811: Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a food? 336822: Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich 33683 exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me? 336843: Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as prescribed... 33685 without French-fried onion rings, pizza with double cheese, or the 33686 occasional Mai-Tai? (Remember, living right doesn't really make 33687 you live longer, it just *seems* like longer.) 33688 33689That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick. 33690% 33691Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called 33692Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that 33693were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST... 33694% 33695Now there's a violent movie titled, "The Croquet Homicide," 33696or "Murder With Mallets Aforethought." 33697 -- Shelby Friedman, WSJ. 33698% 33699Now there's three things you can do in a baseball game: 33700you can win or you can lose or it can rain. 33701 -- Casey Stengel 33702% 33703Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to get it 33704over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in the mall, 33705the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs on the mall 33706public-address system, and many of these songs can damage children 33707emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a snowman who 33708befriends some children, plays with them until they learn to love him, then 33709melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about a young reindeer who, 33710because of a physical deformity, is treated as an outcast by the other 33711reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does he ignore the deformity? 33712Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect Rudolph for the sensitive 33713reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as 33714if Rudolph were nothing more than some kind of headlight with legs and a 33715tail. So unless you want your children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, 33716you should shop quickly. 33717 -- Dave Barry 33718% 33719Nowlan's Theory: 33720 He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from 33721 the next freeway exit. 33722% 33723Now's the time to have some big ideas 33724Now's the time to make some firm decisions 33725We saw the Buddha in a bar down south 33726Talking politics and nuclear fission 33727We see him and he's all washed up -- 33728Moving on into the body of a beetle 33729Getting ready for a long long crawl 33730He ain't nothing -- he ain't nothing at all... 33731 33732Death and Money make their point once more 33733In the shape of Philosophical assassins 33734Mark and Danny take the bus uptown 33735Deadly angels for reality and passion 33736Have the courage of the here and now 33737Don't taking nothing from the half-baked buddhas 33738When you think you got it paid in full 33739You got nothing -- you got nothing at all... 33740 We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha. 33741 We know his name and he mustn't get away. 33742 We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha. 33743 It would take one shot -- to blow him away... 33744 -- Shriekback, "Gunning for the Buddah" 33745% 33746Nuclear powered vacuuum cleaners will probably be a reality within 10 years. 33747 -- Alex Lewyt (President of the Lewyt Corporation, 33748 manufacturers of vacuum cleaners), quoted in The New York 33749 Times, June 10, 1955. 33750% 33751[Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable. 33752 -- Edwin Meese III 33753% 33754Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of 33755normal routines, for children and adults alike. 33756 -- Willard F. Libby, "You Can Survive Atomic Attack" 33757% 33758Nudists are people who wear one-button suits. 33759% 33760Nuke the unborn gay female whales for Jesus. 33761% 33762Nuke them till they glow, then shoot them in the dark. 33763% 33764(null cookie; hope that's ok) 33765% 33766Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit. 33767 -- Seneca 33768% 33769Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're guessing. 33770% 33771Nurse Donna: Oh, Groucho, I'm afraid I'm gonna wind up an old maid. 33772Groucho: Well, bring her in and we'll wind her up together. 33773Nurse Donna: Do you believe in computer dating? 33774Groucho: Only if the computers really love each other. 33775% 33776Nusbaum's Rule: 33777 The more pretentious the corporate name, the smaller the 33778 organization. (For instance, the Murphy Center for the 33779 Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted 33780 to IBM, GM, and AT&T.) 33781% 33782O! If I were a fish 33783I'd lay hap'ly on my dish. 33784Yes, that's my one and only wish -- 33785To be a fish! 33786 33787For fish don't ever mish; 33788They needn't flush after they pish! 33789Yes, and life's just swish, swish, swish, 33790For all the fish!!! 33791% 33792O give me a home, 33793Where the buffalo roam, 33794Where the deer and the antelope play, 33795Where seldom is heard 33796A discouraging word, 33797'Cause what can an antelope say? 33798% 33799O imitators, you slavish herd! 33800 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 33801% 33802O, it is excellent 33803To have a giant's strength; but it is tyrannous 33804To use it like a giant. 33805 -- Shakespeare, "Measure for Measure", II, 2 33806% 33807O Lord, grant that we may always be right, 33808for Thou knowest we will never change our minds. 33809% 33810O love, could thou and I with fate conspire 33811To grasp this sorry scheme of things entire, 33812Might we not smash it to bits 33813And mould it closer to our hearts' desire? 33814 -- Omar Khayyam, tr. FitzGerald 33815% 33816Oatmeal raisin. 33817% 33818Objects are lost only because people 33819look where they are not rather than where they are. 33820% 33821O'Brian's Law: 33822 Everything is always done for the wrong reasons. 33823% 33824O'Brien held up his left hand, its back toward Winston, with the 33825thumb hidden and the four fingers extended. 33826 "How many fingers am I holding up, Winston?" 33827 "Four." 33828 "And if the Party says that it is not four but five -- 33829 then how many?" 33830 "Four." 33831 The word ended in a gasp of pain. 33832 -- George Orwell 33833% 33834Observe yon plumed biped fine. 33835To activate its captivation, 33836Deposit on its termination, 33837A quantity of particles saline. 33838% 33839Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off your goal. 33840% 33841"Obviously, a major malfunction has occurred." 33842 -- Steve Nesbitt, voice of Mission Control, January 28, 33843 1986, as the shuttle Challenger exploded within view 33844 of the grandstands. 33845% 33846Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide. 33847% 33848OCCAM'S ERASER: 33849 The philosophical principle that even the simplest 33850 solution is bound to have something wrong with it. 33851% 33852OCCIDENT: 33853 The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is 33854 largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the 33855 Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, 33856 which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, 33857 are the principal industries of the Orient. 33858 -- Ambrose Bierce 33859% 33860OCEAN: 33861 A body of water occupying about two-thirds 33862 of a world made for man -- who has no gills. 33863% 33864Odets, where is thy sting? 33865 -- George S. Kaufman 33866% 33867Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal. 33868% 33869Of all men's miseries, the bitterest is this: 33870to know so much and have control over nothing. 33871 -- Herodotus 33872% 33873Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable. 33874 -- Plato 33875% 33876Of all the words of witch's doom 33877There's none so bad as which and whom. 33878The man who kills both which and whom 33879Will be enshrined in our Who's Whom. 33880 -- Fletcher Knebel 33881% 33882Of all things man is the measure. 33883 -- Protagoras 33884% 33885Of course a platonic relationship is possible -- but only between 33886husband and wife. 33887% 33888Of course it's possible to love a human being 33889if you don't know them too well. 33890 -- Charles Bukowski 33891% 33892Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power 33893tools aren't soluble in alcohol... 33894 -- Crazy Nigel 33895% 33896Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy. 33897% 33898Of course you can't flap your arms and fly to the moon. 33899After awhile you'd run out of air to push against. 33900% 33901Of course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose. 33902% 33903Of what you see in books, believe 75%. Of newspapers, believe 50%. And of 33904TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a blazer. 33905% 33906Office Automation: 33907 The use of computers to improve efficiency in the office 33908 by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee. 33909% 33910Official Project Stages: 33911 1. Uncritical Acceptance 33912 2. Wild Enthusiasm 33913 3. Dejected Disillusionment 33914 4. Total Confusion 33915 5. Search for the Guilty 33916 6. Punishment of the Innocent 33917 7. Promotion of the Non-participants 33918% 33919Often statistics are used as a drunken man uses 33920lampposts -- for support rather than illumination. 33921% 33922Often things ARE as bad as they seem! 33923% 33924Ogden's Law: 33925 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up. 33926% 33927Oh, Aunty Em, it's so good to be home! 33928% 33929Oh, by the way, which one's Pink? 33930 -- Pink Floyd 33931% 33932Oh don't the days seem lank and long 33933When all goes right and none goes wrong, 33934And isn't your life extremely flat 33935With nothing whatever to grumble at! 33936% 33937Oh Father, my Father, Oh what must I do? 33938They're burning our streets and beating me blue. 33939"Listen my son, I'll tell you the truth: 33940Get a close haircut and spit-shine your shoes." 33941 33942Oh Mother, my Mother, my confusions remove, 33943I long to embrace her whose hair is so smooth. 33944"Now listen my son, although you're confused, 33945Cut your hair close and shine all your shoes." 33946 33947Oh Teacher, my Teacher, your life with me share. 33948What books ought I read? What thoughts do I dare? 33949"Oh Student, my Student, of dissent you beware. 33950Shine those dull shoes and cut short your hair." 33951 33952Oh Preacher, my Preacher, does God really care? 33953Are all races equal? Are laws just and fair? 33954"Boy -- here's the answer, no need to despair: 33955Shine those new shoes and cut short that hair." 33956% 33957Oh freddled gruntbuggly, thy micturations are to me 33958As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee. 33959Groop I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes, 33960And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles, 33961Or I will rend thee in the goblerwarts with my blurglecruncheon, 33962 see if I don't. 33963 -- Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz 33964% 33965Oh, give me a home, 33966Where the buffalo roam, 33967And I'll show you a house with a really messy kitchen. 33968% 33969Oh, give me a locus where the gravitons focus 33970 Where the three-body problem is solved, 33971 Where the microwaves play down at three degrees K, 33972 And the cold virus never evolved. (chorus) 33973We eat algea pie, our vacuum is high, 33974 Our ball bearings are perfectly round. 33975 Our horizon is curved, our warheads are MIRVed, 33976 And a kilogram weighs half a pound. (chorus) 33977If we run out of space for our burgeoning race 33978 No more Lebensraum left for the Mensch 33979 When we're ready to start, we can take Mars apart, 33980 If we just find a big enough wrench. (chorus) 33981I'm sick of this place, it's just McDonald's in space, 33982 And living up here is a bore. 33983 Tell the shiggies, "Don't cry," they can kiss me goodbye 33984 'Cause I'm moving next week to L4! (chorus) 33985 33986CHORUS: Home, home on LaGrange, 33987 Where the space debris always collects, 33988 We possess, so it seems, two of Man's greatest dreams: 33989 Solar power and zero-gee sex. 33990 -- to Home on the Range 33991% 33992Oh give me your pity! 33993I'm on a committee, We attend and amend 33994Which means that from morning And contend and defend 33995 to night, Without a conclusion in sight. 33996 33997We confer and concur, 33998We defer and demur, We revise the agenda 33999And reiterate all of our thoughts. With frequent addenda 34000 And consider a load of reports. 34001 34002We compose and propose, 34003We suppose and oppose, But though various notions 34004And the points of procedure are fun; Are brought up as motions, 34005 There's terribly little gets done. 34006 34007We resolve and absolve; 34008But we never dissolve, 34009Since it's out of the question for us 34010To bring our committee 34011To end like this ditty, 34012Which stops with a period, thus. 34013 -- Leslie Lipson, "The Committee" 34014% 34015"Oh, he [a big dog] hunts with papa," she said. "He says Don Carlos [the 34016dog] is good for almost every kind of game. He went duck hunting one time 34017and did real well at it. Then Papa bought some ducks, not wild ducks but, 34018you know, farm ducks. And it got Don Carlos all mixed up. Since the 34019ducks were always around the yard with nobody shooting at them he knew he 34020wasn't supposed to kill them, but he had to do something. So one morning 34021last spring, when the ground was still soft, he took all the ducks and 34022buried them." "What do you mean, buried them?" "Oh, he didn't hurt them. 34023He dug little holes all over the yard and picked up the ducks in his mouth 34024and put them in the holes. Then he covered them up with mud except for 34025their heads. He did thirteen ducks that way and was digging a hole for 34026another one when Tony found him. We talked about it for a long time. Papa 34027said Don Carlos was afraid the ducks might run away, and since he didn't 34028know how to build a cage he put them in holes. He's a smart dog." 34029 -- R. Bradford, "Red Sky At Morning" 34030% 34031Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay 34032 I muck with indices and structs all day 34033And when it works, I shout hoo-ray 34034 Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay 34035% 34036Oh, I am just a typical American boy 34037From a typical American town. 34038I believe in God and Senator Dodd 34039And keeping old Castro down. 34040And when it came my time to serve 34041I knew better dead than red, 34042But when I got to my old draft board, 34043Buddy this is what I said: 34044 34045Sarge I'm only 18, I got a ruptured spleen 34046And I always carry a purse; 34047I got eyes like a bat and my feet are flat 34048And my asthma's getting worse. 34049Yes, think of my career and my sweetheart dear 34050And my poor old invalid aunt; 34051Besides I ain't no fool I'm going to school 34052And I'm working in a defense plant. 34053 -- Phil Ochs, "Draft Dodger Rag" 34054% 34055Oh, I could while away the hours, 34056Smoking herbs and flowers, 34057Shooting up my veins, 34058 De-dum, De-dum, De-dum 34059Tell you, I've been a-thinkin' 34060I could drive a shiny Lincoln, 34061If I dealt in good cocaine. 34062 -- To If I Only Had A Brain from "The Wizard of Oz" 34063% 34064Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd 34065be irresponsible, too. 34066 -- Lichty & Wagner 34067% 34068Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth, 34069And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings; 34070Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth 34071Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things 34072You have not dreamed of -- 34073Wheeled and soared and swung 34074High in the sunlit silence. 34075Hovering there 34076I've chased the shouting wind along and flung 34077My eager craft through footless halls of air. 34078Up, up along delirious, burning blue 34079I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace, 34080Where never lark, or even eagle flew; 34081And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod 34082The high untrespassed sanctity of space, 34083Put out my hand, and touched the face of God. 34084 -- John Gillespie Magee Jr., "High Flight" 34085% 34086Oh I'm just a typical American boy 34087From a typical American town. 34088I believe in God and Senator Dodd 34089And keeping old Castro down. 34090And when it came my time to serve 34091I knew "Better Dead Than Red", 34092But when I got to my old draft board, 34093Buddy, this is what I said: 34094 34095Chorus: 34096 Sarge, I'm only eighteen, I've got a ruptured spleen, 34097 And I always carry a purse! 34098 I've got eyes like a bat and my feet are flat, 34099 And my asthma's getting worse! 34100 Yes, think of my career and my sweetheart dear, 34101 And my poor old invalid aunt! 34102 Besides I ain't no fool, I'm a-going to school 34103 And I'm a-working in a defense plant! 34104 -- Phil Ochs, "Draft Dodger Rag" 34105% 34106Oh Lord, won't you buy me a 4BSD? 34107My friends all got sources, so why can't I see? 34108Come all you moby hackers, come sing it out with me: 34109To hell with the lawyers from AT&T! 34110% 34111Oh, love is real enough, you will find it some day, but it has one 34112arch-enemy -- and that is life. 34113 -- Jean Anouilh, "Ardele" 34114% 34115Oh, my friend, it is not what they take away from you that counts -- 34116it's what you do with what you have left. 34117 -- Hubert H. Humphrey 34118% 34119Oh, so there you are! 34120% 34121Oh, the Slithery Dee, he crawled out of the sea. 34122He may catch all the others, but he won't catch me. 34123No, he won't catch me, stupid ol' Slithery Dee. 34124He may catch all the others, but AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!! 34125 -- The Smothers Brothers 34126% 34127Oh this age! How tasteless and ill-bred it is. 34128 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus 34129% 34130Oh wearisome condition of humanity! 34131Born under one law, to another bound. 34132 -- Fulke Greville, Lord Brooke 34133% 34134Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes. 34135% 34136Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive. 34137 -- Shakespeare 34138% 34139Oh, when I was in love with you, 34140 Then I was clean and brave, 34141And miles around the wonder grew 34142 How well did I behave. 34143 34144And now the fancy passes by, 34145 And nothing will remain, 34146And miles around they'll say that I 34147 Am quite myself again. 34148 -- A.E. Housman 34149% 34150Oh, wow! Look at the moon! 34151% 34152Oh, ya doesn't have ta call me 'Johnson'! Well, you can call me 'Ray', or 34153you can call me 'Jay', or you can call me 'R.J.', or you can call me 'Ray 34154J.', or you can call me 'R.J.J.', or you can call me 'Ray J. Johnson', or 34155you can call me 'R.J. Johnson', but ya DOESN'T have to call me 'Johnson'... 34156% 34157Oh yeah? Well, I remember when sex was dirty and the air was clean. 34158% 34159Oh, yeah, life goes on, long after the thrill of livin' is gone. 34160 -- John Cougar, "Jack and Diane" 34161% 34162O.K., fine. 34163% 34164Okay, Okay -- I admit it. You didn't change that program that worked 34165just a little while ago; I inserted some random characters into the 34166executable. Please forgive me. You can recover the file by typing in 34167the code over again, since I also removed the source. 34168% 34169Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill. 34170% 34171Old age is always fifteen years old than I am. 34172 -- B. Baruch 34173% 34174Old age is the harbor of all ills. 34175 -- Bion 34176% 34177Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man. 34178 -- Trotsky 34179% 34180Old age is too high a price to pay for maturity. 34181% 34182Old Grandad is dead but his spirits live on. 34183% 34184Old Japanese proverb: 34185 There are two kinds of fools -- those who never climb Mt. Fuji, 34186and those who climb it twice. 34187% 34188Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement. 34189% 34190Old mail has arrived. 34191% 34192Old men are fond of giving good advice to console 34193themselves for their inability to set a bad example. 34194 -- La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims" 34195% 34196Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard 34197To fetch her poor daughter a dress. 34198When she got there, the cupboard was bare 34199And so was her daughter, I guess... 34200% 34201Old musicians never die, they just decompose. 34202% 34203Old programmers never die, they just become managers. 34204% 34205Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address. 34206% 34207Old programmers never die, they just hit account block limit. 34208% 34209Old soldiers never die. Young ones do. 34210% 34211Old timer, n: 34212 One who remembers when charity was a virtue and not an organization. 34213% 34214Oliver's Law: 34215 Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 34216% 34217omnibiblious, adj.: 34218 Indifferent to type of drink. Ex: "Oh, you can get me anything. 34219 I'm omnibiblious." 34220% 34221On a clear day, U.C.L.A. 34222% 34223On a clear disk you can seek forever. 34224 -- P. Denning 34225% 34226On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague: 34227 34228"This isn't right. This isn't even wrong." 34229 -- Wolfgang Pauli 34230% 34231On a tous un peu peur de l'amour, mais on 34232a surtout peur de souffrir ou de faire souffrir. 34233 34234[One is always a little afraid of love, but 34235above all, one is afraid of pain or causing pain.] 34236% 34237On ability: 34238 A dwarf is small, even if he stands on a mountain top; 34239 a colossus keeps his height, even if he stands in a well. 34240 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca, 4BC - 65AD 34241% 34242On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only 34243nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter 34244what it does. 34245 -- Will Rogers 34246% 34247On account of us being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only 34248nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter 34249what it does. 34250 -- The Best of Will Rogers 34251% 34252On his way back from work, a driver came upon a horrible wreck in which one 34253car looked exactly like his neighbor's. Stopping hurriedly on the side of 34254the road, he ran toward the smoldering debris. 34255 "Listen, mister," a policeman said, holding him back, "I can't let 34256you come any closer." 34257 "But that may be my friend, Henry, in there," the anguished man 34258explained. 34259 "OK, but it's pretty grisly," the cop cautioned. "There was a 34260decapitation." 34261 The policeman reached into the back seat of the demolished car and 34262pulled forth the head, holding it at arm's length. "Is this your friend?" 34263 "That's not him -- thank heavens," the man said. "Henry's much 34264taller." 34265% 34266On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the 34267proposition that all men are created jerks. 34268 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow" 34269% 34270On Thanksgiving Day all over America, families sit down to dinner at the 34271same moment -- halftime. 34272% 34273On the eighth day, God created FORTRAN. 34274% 34275On the night before her family moved from Kansas to California, the little 34276girl knelt by her bed to say her prayers. "God bless Mommy and Daddy and 34277Keith and Kim," she said. As she began to get up, she quickly added, "Oh, 34278and God, this is goodbye. We're moving to Hollywood." 34279% 34280On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a POINT. 34281% 34282On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without 34283a purpose, but never without a POINT. 34284% 34285On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia. 34286 -- W.C. Fields' epitaph 34287% 34288On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], "Pray, Mr. 34289Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers 34290come out?" I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of 34291ideas that could provoke such a question. 34292 -- Charles Babbage 34293% 34294Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, 34295and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days. 34296 -- W.C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee" 34297% 34298Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled. 34299 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 34300% 34301Once, adv.: Enough. 34302% 34303Once again dread deed is done. 34304Canon sleeps, 34305his all-knowing eye shaded 34306to human chance and circumstance. 34307Peace reigns anew o'er Pine Valley, 34308but Canon's sleep is troubled. 34309 34310Beware, scant days past the Ides of July. 34311Impatient hands wait eagerly 34312to grasp, to hold 34313scant moments of time 34314wrested from life in the full 34315glory of Canon's power; 34316held captive by his unblinking eye. 34317 34318Three golden orbs stand watch; 34319one each to toll the day, hour, minute 34320until predestiny decrees his reawakening. 34321When that feared moment arives, 34322"Ask not for whom the bell tolls, 34323It tolls for thee." 34324 -- "I extended the loan on your Camera, at the Pine 34325 Valley Pawn Shop today" 34326% 34327Once Again From the Top 34328 34329Correction notice in the Miami Herald: "Last Sunday, The Herald erroneously 34330reported that original Dolphin Johnny Holmes had been an insurance salesman 34331in Raleigh, North Carolina, that he had won the New York lottery in 1982 and 34332lost the money in a land swindle, that he had been charged with vehicular 34333homicide, but acquitted because his mother said she drove the car, and that 34334he stated that the funniest thing he ever saw was Flipper spouting water on 34335George Wilson. Each of these items was erroneous material published 34336inadvertently. He was not an insurance salesman in Raleigh, did not win the 34337lottery, neither he nor his mother was charged or involved in any way with 34338vehicular homicide, and he made no comment about Flipper or George Wilson. 34339The Herald regrets the errors." 34340 -- "The Progressive", March, 1987 34341% 34342Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each 34343of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. 34344 In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians 34345called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka" and 34346went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing 34347each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy Hanukka!" 34348or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!" 34349... 34350 Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you 34351with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday shoppers 34352have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday advertisements, and 34353they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a shopping bag. If your 34354children object to being tied, threaten to take them to see Santa Claus; 34355that ought to shut them up. 34356 -- Dave Barry 34357% 34358Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, 34359that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". Disraeli 34360replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your principals or your 34361mistress". 34362% 34363Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it. 34364 -- Homer 34365% 34366Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his 34367roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the 34368forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind 34369the railroad yards." 34370 -- H.L. Mencken, writing of William Jennings Bryan, 34371 counsel for the supporters of Tennessee's anti-evolution 34372 law at the Scopes "Monkey Trial" in 1925. 34373% 34374Once I finally figured out all of life's 34375answers, they changed the questions. 34376% 34377Once, I read that a man be never stronger 34378than when he truly realizes how weak he is. 34379 -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel #31" 34380% 34381Once is happenstance, 34382Twice is coincidence, 34383Three times is enemy action. 34384 -- Auric Goldfinger 34385% 34386Once it hits the fan, the only rational choice is to 34387sweep it up, package it, and sell it as fertilizer. 34388% 34389Once Law was sitting on the bench 34390 And Mercy knelt a-weeping. 34391"Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench! 34392 Nor come before me creeping. 34393Upon your knees if you appear, 34394'Tis plain you have no standing here." 34395 34396Then Justice came. His Honor cried: 34397 "YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!" 34398"Amica curiae," she replied -- 34399 "Friend of the court, so please you." 34400"Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door -- 34401I never saw your face before!" 34402% 34403Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings 34404infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can 34405grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it 34406possible for each to see each other whole against the sky. 34407 -- Rainer Rilke 34408% 34409Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in. 34410 -- H.R. Haldeman 34411% 34412Once there was a little nerd who loved to read your mail, 34413And then yank back the i-access times to get hackers off his tail, 34414And once as he finished reading from the secretary's spool, 34415He wrote a rude rejection to her boyfriend (how uncool!) 34416And this as delivermail did work and he ran his backfstat, 34417He heard an awful crackling like rat fritters in hot fat, 34418And hard errors brought the system down 'fore he could even shout! 34419 And the bio bug'll bring yours down too, ef you don't watch out! 34420And once they was a little flake who'd prowl through the uulog, 34421And when he went to his blit that night to play at being god, 34422The ops all heard him holler, and they to the console dashed, 34423But when they did a ps -ut they found the system crashed! 34424Oh, the wizards adb'd the dumps and did the system trace, 34425And worked on the file system 'til the disk head was hot paste, 34426But all they ever found was this: "panic: never doubt", 34427 And the bio bug'll crash your box too, ef you don't watch out! 34428When the day is done and the moon comes out, 34429And you hear the printer whining and the rk's seems to count, 34430When the other desks are empty and their terminals glassy grey, 34431And the load is only 1.6 and you wonder if it'll stay, 34432You must mind the file protections and not snoop around, 34433 Or the bio bug'll getcha and bring the system down! 34434% 34435Once there was this conductor see, who had a bass problem. You see, during 34436a portion of Beethovan's Ninth Symphony in which there are no bass violin 34437parts, one of the bassists always passed a bottle of scotch around. So, 34438to remind himself that the basses usually required an extra cue towards the 34439end of the symphony, the conductor would fasten a piece of string around the 34440page of the score before the bass cue. As the basses grew more and more 34441inebriated, two of them fell asleep. The conductor grew quite nervous (he 34442was very concerned about the pitch) because it was the bottom of the ninth; 34443the score was tied and the basses were loaded with two out. 34444% 34445Once upon a time there... 34446% 34447Once upon a time there was a kingdom ruled by a great bear. The peasants 34448were not very rich, and one of the few ways to become at all wealthy was 34449to become a Royal Knight. This required an interview with the bear. If 34450the bear liked you, you were knighted on the spot. If not, the bear would 34451just as likely remove your head with one swat of a paw. However, the family 34452of these unfortunate would-be knights was compensated with a beautiful 34453sheepdog from the royal kennels, which was itself a fairly valuable 34454possession. And the moral of the story is: 34455 34456The mourning after a terrible knight, nothing beats the dog of the bear that 34457hit you. 34458% 34459Once upon this midnight incoherent, 34460While you pondered sentient and crystalline, 34461Over many a broken and subordinate 34462Volume of gnarly lore, 34463While I pestered, nearly singing, 34464Sudddenly there came a hewing, 34465As of someone profusely skulking, 34466Skulking at my chamber door. 34467% 34468Once you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all. 34469% 34470Once you've tried to change the world you find 34471it's a whole bunch easier to change your mind. 34472% 34473"One Architecture, One OS" also translates as "One Egg, One Basket". 34474% 34475One Bell System - it sometimes works. 34476% 34477One Bell System - it used to work before they installed the Dimension! 34478% 34479One Bell System - it works. 34480% 34481One big pile is better than two little piles. 34482 -- Arlo Guthrie 34483% 34484One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar. 34485 -- Helen Keller 34486% 34487One can search the brain with a microscope and not find the 34488mind, and can search the stars with a telescope and not find God. 34489 -- J. Gustav White 34490% 34491One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing 34492how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette. 34493% 34494One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means. 34495% 34496One could not be a successful scientist without realizing that, in contrast 34497to the popular conception supported by newspapers and mothers of scientists, 34498a goodly number of scientists are not only narrow-minded and dull, but also 34499just stupid. 34500 -- J.D. Watson, "The Double Helix" 34501% 34502One day an elderly Jewish Pole, living in Warsaw, finds an old lamp in his 34503attic. He starts to polish it and (poof!) a genie appears in cloud of smoke. 34504 "Greetings, Mortal!" exclaims the genie, stretching and yawning, "For 34505releasing me I will grant you three wishes." 34506 The old man thinks for a moment, then replies, "I want Genghis Khan 34507resurrected. I want him to re-unite the Mongol hordes, march to the Polish 34508border, decide he doesn't want to invade, and march back home." 34509 "No sooner said than done!" thunders the genie. "Your second wish?" 34510 "Hmmmm. I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite the 34511Mongol hordes, march to the Polish border, decide he doesn't want to invade, 34512and march back home." 34513 "But... well, all right! Your third wish?" 34514 "I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite his ---" 34515 "OKOKOKOK! Right. Got it. Why do you want Genghis Khan to march 34516to Poland three times and never invade?" 34517 The old man smiles. "He has to pass through Russia six times." 34518% 34519One day President Reagan, Chairman Brezhnev, the Pope, and a boy scout were 34520flying together in an airplane. Right out in the middle of nowhere the plane 34521developed engine trouble and started to go down. Unfortunately, only three 34522parachutes could be found for the four passengers! Brezhnev grabbed one of 34523the parachutes and declared "Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers 34524revolution, my life must be spared." And he jumped out of the plane. Then 34525Reagan exclaimed "As leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the 34526world safe for democracy." And with that he too jumped to safety. Now if 34527you are following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that 34528there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers. The Pope 34529looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and productive 34530life, my son. You take the parachute and leave me in God's hands." "That's 34531very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but there is no need. Reagan 34532just jumped out with my knapsack." 34533% 34534One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell the 34535truth. A gallows was erected in front of the city gates. A herald announced, 34536"Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to a question 34537which will be put to him." Nasrudin was first in line. The captain of the 34538guard asked him, "Where are you going? Tell the truth -- the alternative 34539is death by hanging." 34540 "I am going," said Nasrudin, "to be hanged on that gallows." 34541 "I don't believe you." 34542 "Very well, if I have told a lie, then hang me!" 34543 "But that would make it the truth!" 34544 "Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth." 34545% 34546One day this guy is finally fed up with his middle-class existence and 34547decides to do something about it. He calls up his best friend, who is a 34548mathematical genius. "Look," he says, "do you suppose you could find some 34549way mathematically of guaranteeing winning at the race track? We could 34550make a lot of money and retire and enjoy life." The mathematician thinks 34551this over a bit and walks away mumbling to himself. 34552 A week later his friend drops by to ask the genius if he's had any 34553success. The genius, looking a little bleary-eyed, replies, "Well, yes, 34554actually I do have an idea, and I'm reasonably sure that it will work, but 34555there a number of details to be figured out. 34556 After the second week the mathematician appears at his friend's house, 34557looking quite a bit rumpled, and announces, "I think I've got it! I still have 34558some of the theory to work out, but now I'm certain that I'm on the right 34559track." 34560 At the end of the third week the mathematician wakes his friend by 34561pounding on his door at three in the morning. He has dark circles under his 34562eyes. His hair hasn't been combed for many days. He appears to be wearing 34563the same clothes as the last time. He has several pencils sticking out from 34564behind his ears and an almost maniacal expression on his face. "WE CAN DO 34565IT! WE CAN DO IT!!" he shrieks. "I have discovered the perfect solution!! 34566And it's so EASY! First, we assume that horses are perfect spheres in simple 34567harmonic motion..." 34568% 34569One day, 34570A mad meta-poet, 34571With nothing to say, 34572Wrote a mad meta-poem 34573That started: "One day, 34574A mad meta-poet, 34575With nothing to say, 34576Wrote a mad meta-poem 34577That started: "One day, 34578[...] 34579sort of close". 34580Were the words that the poet, 34581Finally chose, 34582To bring his mad poem, 34583To some sort of close". 34584Were the words that the poet, 34585Finally chose, 34586To bring his mad poem, 34587To some sort of close". 34588% 34589One difference between a man and a machine 34590is that a machine is quiet when well oiled. 34591% 34592One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you. 34593 -- Larry Gelbart 34594% 34595One dusty July afternoon, somewhere around the turn of the century, Patrick 34596Malone was in Mulcahey's Bar, bending an elbow with the other street car 34597conductors from the Brooklyn Traction Company. While they were discussing the 34598merits of a local ring hero, the bar goes silent. Malone turns around to see 34599his wife, with a face grim as death, stalking to the bar. 34600 Slapping a four-bit piece down on the bar, she draws herself up to her 34601full five feet five inches and says to Mulcahey, "Give me what himself has 34602been havin' all these years." 34603 Mulcahey looks at Malone, who shrugs, and then back at Margaret Mary 34604Malone. He sets out a glass and pours her a triple shot of Rye. The bar is 34605totally silent as they watch the woman pick up the glass and knock back the 34606drink. She slams the glass down on the bar, gasps, shudders slightly, and 34607passes out; falling straight back, stiff as a board, saved from sudden contact 34608with the barroom floor by the ample belly of Seamus Fogerty. 34609 Sometime later, she comes to on the pool table, a jacket under her 34610head. Her bloodshot eyes fell upon her husband, who says, "And all these 34611years you've been thinkin' I've been enjoying meself." 34612% 34613One expresses well the love he does not feel. 34614 -- J.A. Karr 34615% 34616One family builds a wall, two families enjoy it. 34617% 34618One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters. 34619 -- George Herbert 34620% 34621One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly possible. 34622Friendship needs a certain parallelism of life, a community of thought, 34623a rivalry of aim. 34624 -- Henry Brook Adams 34625% 34626One girl can be pretty -- but a dozen are only a chorus. 34627 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Last Tycoon" 34628% 34629One good reason why computers can do more work than 34630people is that they never have to stop and answer the phone. 34631% 34632One good suit is worth a thousand resumes. 34633% 34634One good thing about music, 34635Well, it helps you feel no pain. 34636So hit me with music; 34637Hit me with music now. 34638 -- Bob Marley, "Trenchtown Rock" 34639% 34640One good turn asketh another. 34641 -- John Heywood 34642% 34643One good turn deserves another. 34644 -- Gaius Petronius 34645% 34646One good turn usually gets most of the blanket. 34647% 34648One has to look out for engineers -- they begin with sewing machines 34649and end up with the atomic bomb. 34650 -- Marcel Pagnol 34651% 34652One hundred women are not worth a single testicle. 34653 -- Confucius 34654% 34655One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious. 34656 -- Chateaubriand (1768-1848) 34657% 34658One is often kept in the right road by a rut. 34659 -- Gustave Droz 34660% 34661ONE LIFE TO LIVE for ALL MY CHILDREN in 34662ANOTHER WORLD all THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES. 34663% 34664One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true. 34665% 34666One man's constant is another man's variable. 34667 -- A.J. Perlis 34668% 34669One man's folly is another man's wife. 34670 -- Helen Rowland 34671% 34672One man's "magic" is another man's engineering. 34673"Supernatural" is a null word. 34674% 34675One man's Mede is another man's Persian. 34676 -- George M. Cohan 34677% 34678One man's theology is another man's belly laugh. 34679% 34680One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends 34681can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention. 34682 -- Clifton Fadiman 34683% 34684One meets his destiny often on the road he takes to avoid it. 34685% 34686One must have a heart of stone to read the death of Little Nell by Dickens 34687without laughing. 34688 -- Oscar Wilde 34689% 34690One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. 34691% 34692One nuclear bomb can ruin your whole day. 34693% 34694One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible from 34695one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at least 70 34696percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts are, of course, 34697simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but when He's good, 34698nobody can touch him. 34699 -- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan. 1983 34700% 34701One of the chief duties of the mathematician in acting as an 34702advisor... is to discourage... from expecting too much from 34703mathematics. 34704 -- N. Wiener 34705% 34706One of the disadvantages of having children is that they eventually get old 34707enough to give you presents they make at school. 34708 -- Robert Byrne 34709% 34710One of the large consolations for experiencing anything 34711unpleasant is the knowledge that one can communicate it. 34712 -- Joyce Carol Oates 34713% 34714One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to 34715do and always a clever thing to say. 34716 -- Will Durant 34717% 34718One of the major difficulties Trillian experienced in her relationship with 34719Zaphod was learning to distinguish between him pretending to be stupid just 34720to get people off their guard, pretending to be stupid because he couldn't 34721be bothered to think and wanted someone else to do it for him, pretending 34722to be so outrageously stupid to hide the fact that he actually didn't 34723understand what was going on, and really being genuinely stupid. He was 34724reknowned for being quite clever and quite clearly was so -- but not all the 34725time, which obviously worried him, hence the act. He preferred people to be 34726puzzled rather than contemptuous. This above all appeared to Trillian to be 34727genuinely stupid, but she could no longer be bothered to argue about. 34728 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 34729% 34730One of the most overlooked advantages to computers is... If they do 34731foul up, there's no law against whacking them around a little. 34732 -- Joe Martin 34733% 34734One of the most striking differences between a 34735cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives. 34736 -- Mark Twain 34737% 34738One of the pleasures of reading old letters is the knowledge that they 34739need no answer. 34740 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron 34741% 34742One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your 34743seat to another passenger. This may seem callous, but it is the best 34744way, really. If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who fainted 34745in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become disoriented and 34746imagine they were in Topeka Kansas. 34747% 34748One of the signs of Napoleon's greatness is the fact that he 34749once had a publisher shot. 34750 -- Siegfried Unseld 34751% 34752One of the worst of my many faults is that I'm too critical of myself. 34753% 34754One of your most ancient writers, a historian named Herodotus, tells of a 34755thief who was to be executed. As he was taken away he made a bargain with 34756the king: in one year he would teach the king's favorite horse to sing 34757hymns. The other prisoners watched the thief singing to the horse and 34758laughed. "You will not succeed," they told him. "No one can." 34759 To which the thief replied, "I have a year, and who knows what might 34760happen in that time. The king might die. The horse might die. I might die. 34761And perhaps the horse will learn to sing. 34762 -- "The Mote in God's Eye", Niven and Pournelle 34763% 34764One organism, one vote. 34765% 34766One person's error is another person's data. 34767% 34768One picture is worth 128K words. 34769% 34770One picture is worth more than ten thousand words. 34771 -- Chinese proverb 34772% 34773One pill makes you larger And if you go chasing rabbits 34774And, one pill makes you small. And you know you're going to fall. 34775And the ones that mother gives you, Tell 'em a hookah smoking caterpillar 34776Don't do anything at all. Has given you the call. 34777Go ask Alice Call Alice 34778When she's ten feet tall. When she was just small. 34779 34780When men on the chessboard When logic and proportion 34781Get up and tell you where to go. Have fallen sloppy dead, 34782And you've just had some kind of And the White Knight is talking 34783 mushroom backwards 34784And your mind is moving low. And the Red Queen's lost her head 34785Go ask Alice Remember what the dormouse said: 34786I think she'll know. Feed your head. 34787 Feed your head. 34788 Feed your head. 34789 -- Jefferson Airplane, "White Rabbit" 34790% 34791One planet is all you get. 34792% 34793One possible reason that things aren't going according to plan 34794is that there never was a plan in the first place. 34795% 34796One possible reason why things aren't going 34797according to plan is that there never was a plan. 34798% 34799One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could 34800manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that they be 34801installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips. Let's say your 34802congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding study on how 34803the French government handles diseases transmitted by sherbet. Just when 34804he got to the plane, his mandatory air bag, strapped around his waist, would 34805inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus rendering him too large to fit through the 34806plane door. It could also be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman 34807proposed a law. ("Mr. Speaker, people ask me, why should October be 34808designated as Cuticle Inspection Month? And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.") 34809This would save millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public 34810would violently support a law requiring airbags on congressmen. The problem 34811is that your potential market is very small: there are only around 500 34812members of congress. 34813% 34814One reason why George Washington 34815Is held in such veneration: 34816He never blamed his problems 34817On the former Administration. 34818 -- George O. Ludcke 34819% 34820One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not there 34821should be a Coastal Commission, I took a helicopter ride from Los Angeles 34822to San Diego. We passed several state beaches, some crowded and some 34823virtually empty. They had the same facilities, and in some cases the crowded 34824and the empty beach were within a quarter mile of each other. Obviously 34825many beach-goers prefer to be crowded together. Buying more beaches that 34826people won't go to because they prefer to be crowded together on one beach 34827is a ridiculous waste of our natural resources and our taxes. 34828 -- Ronald Reagan 34829% 34830One seldom sees a monument to a committee. 34831% 34832One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry. 34833 -- Oscar Wilde 34834% 34835ONE SIZE FITS ALL: 34836 Doesn't fit anyone. 34837% 34838One small step for man, one giant stumble for mankind. 34839% 34840One thing about the past. 34841It's likely to last. 34842 -- Ogden Nash 34843% 34844ONE THING KIDS LIKE is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take 34845my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to a burned-out 34846warehouse. "Oh, oh," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and 34847cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. 34848 34849I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty 34850late. 34851 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 34852% 34853One thing the inventors can't seem to 34854get the bugs out of is fresh paint. 34855% 34856One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that 34857sometimes you must work under adverse conditions... like a state of sheer 34858terror. 34859 -- W.K. Hartmann 34860% 34861One thought driven home is better than three left on base. 34862% 34863One time the police stopped me for speeding. They said, "Don't you know the 34864speed limit is fifty-five miles an hour?" I said, "Yeah, I know, but I wasn't 34865going to be out that long." 34866 -- Steven Wright 34867% 34868One toke over the line, sweet Mary, 34869One toke over the line, 34870Sittin' downtown in a railway station, 34871One toke over the line. 34872Waitin' for the train that goes home, 34873Hopin' that the train is on time, 34874Sittin' downtown in a railway station, 34875One toke over the line. 34876% 34877One way to stop a run away horse is to bet on him. 34878% 34879One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned at 34880the stake while the votes were being counted. 34881 -- Thomas B. Reed 34882% 34883One would like to stroke and caress human beings, but one dares not do so, 34884because they bite. 34885 -- Vladimir Lenin 34886% 34887One-Shot Case Study, n: 34888 The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which 34889it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes green. 34890% 34891On-line: 34892 The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer. 34893% 34894Only a fool has no doubts. 34895% 34896Only a mediocre person is always at his best. 34897 -- Laurence Peter 34898% 34899Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps. 34900% 34901Only fools are quoted. 34902 -- Anonymous 34903% 34904Only God can make random selections. 34905% 34906Only great masters of style can succeed in being obtuse. 34907 -- Oscar Wilde 34908 34909Most UNIX programmers are great masters of style. 34910 -- The Unnamed Usenetter 34911% 34912Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four 34913essential food groups -- alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat. 34914 -- Alex Levine 34915 34916[Oh come on, everybody knows that the four basic food groups are 34917hot sugar, cold sugar, carbohydrates and grease. Ed.] 34918% 34919Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right 34920to use the editorial "we". 34921% 34922Only someone with nothing to be sorry for 34923smiles back at the rear of an elephant. 34924% 34925Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying. 34926 -- Baba Ram Dass 34927% 34928Only the fittest survive. The vanquished acknowledge their unworthiness by 34929placing a classified ad with the ritual phrase "must sell -- best offer," 34930and thereafter dwell in infamy, relegated to discussing gas mileage and lawn 34931food. But if successful, you join the elite sodality that spends hours 34932unpurifying the dialect of the tribe with arcane talk of bits and bytes, RAMS 34933and ROMS, hard disks and baud rates. Are you obnoxious, obsessed? It's a 34934modest price to pay. For you have tapped into the same awesome primal power 34935that produces credit-card billing errors and lost plane reservations. Hail, 34936postindustrial warrior, subduer of Bounceoids, pride of the cosmos, keeper of 34937the silicone creed: Computo, ergo sum. The force is with you -- at 110 volts. 34938May your RAMS be fruitful and multiply. 34939 -- Curt Suplee, "Smithsonian", 4/83 34940% 34941Only the hypocrite is really rotten to the core. 34942 -- Hannah Arendt 34943% 34944Only those who leisurely approach that which the masses are 34945busy about can be busy about that which the masses take leisurely. 34946 -- Lao Tsu 34947% 34948Only two groups of people fall for flattery -- men and women. 34949% 34950Only two kinds of witnesses exist. The first live in a neighborhood where 34951a crime has been committed and in no circumstances have ever seen anything 34952or even heard a shot. The second category are the neighbors of anyone who 34953happens to be accused of the crime. These have always looked out of their 34954windows when the shot was fired, and have noticed the accused person standing 34955peacefully on his balcony a few yards away. 34956 -- Sicilian police officer 34957% 34958Only two of my personalities are schizophrenic, but one 34959of them is paranoid and the other one is out to get him. 34960% 34961Only way to open lips of pigeon, sledgehammer. 34962% 34963Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny. 34964% 34965Onward through the fog. 34966% 34967Operator, please trace this call and tell me where I am. 34968% 34969Opiates are the religion of the upper-middle classes. 34970 -- Debbie VanDam 34971% 34972Opium is very cheap considering you don't 34973feel like eating for the next six days. 34974 -- Taylor Mead, famous transvestite 34975% 34976Oppernockity tunes but once. 34977% 34978Opportunities are usually disguised as hard 34979work, so most people don't recognize them. 34980% 34981Oprah Winfrey has an incredible talent for getting the weirdest people to 34982talk to. And you just HAVE to watch it. "Blind, masochistic minority, 34983crippled, depressed, government latrine diggers, and the women who love 34984them too much on the next Oprah Winfrey." 34985% 34986Optimism is the content of small men in high places. 34987 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Crack Up" 34988% 34989Optimism, n: 34990The belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, good, bad, 34991and everything right that is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by 34992those accustomed to falling into adversity, and most acceptably expounded 34993with the grin that apes a smile. Being a blind faith, it is inaccessible 34994to the light of disproof -- an intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment 34995but death. It is hereditary, but not contagious. 34996% 34997OPTIMIST: 34998 A proponent of the belief that black is white. 34999 35000 A pessimist asked God for relief. 35001 "Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness," said God. 35002 "No," replied the petitioner, "I wish you to create something that 35003would justify them." 35004 "The world is all created," said God, "but you have overlooked 35005something -- the mortality of the optimist." 35006 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 35007% 35008OPTIMIST: 35009 Someone who goes down to the marriage 35010 bureau to see if his license has expired. 35011% 35012optimist, n: 35013 A bagpiper with a beeper. 35014% 35015Optimization hinders evolution. 35016% 35017Or you or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you. 35018I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but 35019we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company. 35020 -- J. Wellington Wells 35021% 35022Oral sex is like being attacked by a giant snail. 35023 -- Germaine Greer 35024% 35025Orcs really aren't so bad (if you use lots of catsup). 35026% 35027Order and simplification are the first steps toward 35028mastery of a subject -- the actual enemy is the unknown. 35029 -- Thomas Mann 35030% 35031OREGON: 35032 Eighty billion gallons of water with 35033 no place to go on Saturday night. 35034% 35035O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen: 35036Cleanliness is next to impossible 35037% 35038Oreo 35039% 35040Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. 35041Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl. 35042 -- Mike Adams 35043% 35044Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born 35045to people you could not have possibly met. 35046 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 35047% 35048Osborn's Law: 35049 Variables won't; constants aren't. 35050% 35051Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play? 35052% 35053Other women cloy 35054The appetites they feed, but she makes hungry 35055Where most she satisfies. 35056 -- Antony and Cleopatra 35057% 35058Others can stop you temporarily, only you can do it permanently. 35059% 35060Others will look to you for stability, 35061so hide when you bite your nails. 35062% 35063O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law: 35064 Murphy was an optimist. 35065% 35066Ouch! That felt good! 35067 -- Karen Gordon 35068% 35069"Our attitude with TCP/IP is, `Hey, we'll do it, but don't make a big 35070system, because we can't fix it if it breaks -- nobody can.'" 35071 35072"TCP/IP is OK if you've got a little informal club, and it doesn't make 35073any difference if it takes a while to fix it." 35074 -- Ken Olson, in Digital News, 1988 35075% 35076Our business in life is not to succeed 35077but to continue to fail in high spirits. 35078 -- Robert Louis Stevenson 35079% 35080Our congratulations go to a Burlington Vermont civilian employee of the 35081local Army National Guard base. He recently received a substational cash 35082award from our government for inventing a device for optical scanning. 35083His device reportedly will save the government more than $6 million a year 35084by replacing a more expensive helicopter maintenance tool with his own, 35085home-made, hand-held model. 35086 35087Not suprisingly, we also have a couple of money-saving ideas that we submit 35088to the Pentagon free of charge: 35089 35090 a. Don't kill anybody. 35091 b. Don't build things that do. 35092 c. And don't pay other people to kill anybody. 35093 35094We expect annual savings to be in the billions. 35095 -- Sojourners 35096% 35097Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, 35098but the trouble is they charge fifteen cents for them. 35099% 35100Our documentation manager was showing her 2 year old son around the office. 35101He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we were both 35102holding bags of popcorn. We were both holding bottles of juice. But only 35103*he* had a lollipop. 35104 He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?" 35105 Her reply: "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to. That's 35106what it means to be a programmer." 35107% 35108Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in a 35109continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave national 35110emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to gobble us up if we 35111did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the exorbitant sums demanded. 35112Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem never to have happened, seem never 35113to have been quite real. 35114 -- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957 35115% 35116Our houseplants have a good sense of humous. 35117% 35118Our informal mission is to improve the love life of operators worldwide. 35119 -- Peter Behrendt, president of Exabyte 35120% 35121Our little systems have their day; 35122They have their day and cease to be; 35123They are but broken lights of thee. 35124 -- Tennyson 35125% 35126Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name. 35127Thy programs run, thy syscalls done, 35128In kernel as it is in user. 35129% 35130Our parents were of Midwestern stock and very strict. They didn't want us 35131to grow up to be spoiled and rich. If we left our tennis racquets in the 35132rain, we were punished. 35133 -- Nancy Ellis (George Bush's sister), in the New Republic 35134% 35135Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing. 35136 -- Roy L. Ash, ex-president, Litton Industries 35137% 35138Our problems are so serious that the best 35139way to talk about them is lightheartedly. 35140% 35141Our sires' age was worse that our grandsires'. 35142We their sons are more worthless than they: 35143so in our turn we shall give the world a progeny yet more corrupt. 35144 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 35145% 35146Our swords shall play the orators for us. 35147 -- Christopher Marlowe 35148% 35149Our universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding, 35150In all of the directions it can whiz; 35151As fast as it can go, that's the speed of light, you know, 35152Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is. 35153So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure, 35154How amazingly unlikely is your birth; 35155And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space, 35156'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth! 35157 -- Monty Python 35158% 35159Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants. 35160 -- General Omar N. Bradley 35161% 35162Ours is a world where people don't know what they 35163want and are willing to go through hell to get it. 35164% 35165Out of sight is out of mind. 35166 -- Arthur Clough 35167% 35168Out of the crooked timber of humanity no straight thing can ever be made. 35169 -- Immanuel Kant 35170% 35171Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal. 35172% 35173Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside a dog it's too 35174dark to read. 35175% 35176Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it is too 35177dark to read. 35178 -- Groucho Marx 35179% 35180Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too 35181dark to read. 35182 -- Groucho Marx 35183% 35184Over the shoulder supervision is more a 35185need of the manager than the programming task. 35186% 35187Overall, the philosophy is to attack the availability problem from two 35188complementary directions: to reduce the number of software errors through 35189rigorous testing of running systems, and to reduce the effect of the remaining 35190errors by providing for recovery from them. An interesting footnote to this 35191design is that now a system failure can usually be considered to be the 35192result of two program errors: the first, in the program that started the 35193problem; the second, in the recovery routine that could not protect the 35194system. 35195 -- A.L. Scherr, "Functional Structure of IBM Virtual Storage 35196 Operating Systems, Part II: OS/VS-2 Concepts and 35197 Philosophies," IBM Systems Journal, Vol. 12, No. 4. 35198% 35199Overconfidence breeds error when we take for granted that the game will 35200continue on its normal course; when we fail to provide for an unusually 35201powerful resource -- a check, a sacrifice, a stalemate. Afterwards the 35202victim may wail, `But who could have dreamt of such an idiotic-looking 35203move?' 35204 -- Fred Reinfeld, "The Complete Chess Course" 35205% 35206Overdrawn? But I still have checks left! 35207% 35208Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket. 35209% 35210Overheard: 35211 "How do I feel? Great! And I kiss pretty good, too!" 35212% 35213Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated. 35214% 35215Owe no man any thing... 35216 -- Romans 13:8 35217% 35218Oxygen is a very toxic gas and an extreme fire hazard. It is fatal in 35219concentrations of as little as 0.000001 p.p.m. Humans exposed to the 35220oxygen concentrations die within a few minutes. Symptoms resemble very 35221much those of cyanide poisoning (blue face, etc.). In higher 35222concentrations, e.g. 20%, the toxic effect is somewhat delayed and it 35223takes about 2.5 billion inhalations before death takes place. The reason 35224for the delay is the difference in the mechanism of the toxic effect of 35225oxygen in 20% concentration. It apparently contributes to a complex 35226process called aging, of which very little is known, except that it is 35227always fatal. 35228 35229However, the main disadvantage of the 20% oxygen concentration is in the 35230fact it is habit forming. The first inhalation (occurring at birth) is 35231sufficient to make oxygen addiction permanent. After that, any 35232considerable decrease in the daily oxygen doses results in death with 35233symptoms resembling those of cyanide poisoning. 35234 35235Oxygen is an extreme fire hazard. All of the fires that were reported in 35236the continental U.S. for the period of the past 25 years were found to be 35237due to the presence of this gas in the atmosphere surrounding the buildings 35238in question. 35239 35240Oxygen is especially dangerous because it is odorless, colorless and 35241tasteless, so that its presence can not be readily detected until it is 35242too late. 35243 -- Chemical & Engineering News February 6, 1956 35244% 35245Ozman's Laws: 35246 (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he won't. 35247 (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make. 35248 (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. 35249 (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth. 35250% 35251paak, n: A stadium or inclosed playing field. To put or leave (a 35252 a vehicle) for a time in a certain location. 35253patato, n: The starchy, edible tuber of a widely cultivated plant. 35254Septemba, n: The 9th month of the year. 35255shua, n: Having no doubt; certain. 35256sista, n: A female having the same mother and father as the speaker. 35257tamato, n: A fleshy, smooth-skinned reddish fruit eaten in salads 35258 or as a vegetable. 35259troopa, n: A state policeman. 35260Wista, n: A city in central Masschewsetts. 35261yaad, n: A tract of ground adjacent to a building. 35262 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary 35263% 35264PAIN: 35265 Falling out of a twenty story building, 35266 and snagging your eyelid on a nail. 35267% 35268PAIN: 35269 One thing, at least it proves that you're alive! 35270% 35271PAIN: 35272 Sliding down a 50-foot razor blade into a bucket of alcohol. 35273% 35274Pain is just God's way of hurting you. 35275% 35276Pandora's Rule: 35277 Never open a box you didn't close. 35278% 35279panic: can't find / 35280% 35281panic: kernal segmentation violation. core dumped (only kidding) 35282% 35283Paprika Measure: 35284 35285 2 dashes == 1smidgen 35286 2 smidgens == 1 pinch 35287 3 pinches == 1 soupcon 35288 2 soupcons == too much paprika 35289% 35290Paralysis through analysis. 35291% 35292PARANOIA: 35293 A healthy understanding of the way the universe works. 35294% 35295Paranoia doesn't mean the whole world isn't out to get you. 35296% 35297Paranoia is heightened awareness. 35298% 35299Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life. 35300% 35301Paranoid Club meeting this Friday. 35302Now ... just try to find out where! 35303% 35304Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy 35305to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too. 35306 -- D.J. Hicks 35307% 35308Pardon me while I laugh. 35309% 35310Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they 35311didn't have much of anything to do with it. 35312% 35313Parkinson's Fifth Law: 35314 If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good 35315 bureaucracy, public or private, will find it. 35316% 35317Parkinson's Fourth Law: 35318 The number of people in any working group tends to increase 35319 regardless of the amount of work to be done. 35320% 35321Parsley is gharsley. 35322 -- Ogden Nash 35323% 35324Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be. 35325% 35326PARTY: 35327 A gathering where you meet people who drink 35328 so much you can't even remember their names. 35329% 35330Pascal: 35331 A programming language named after a man who would turn over 35332 in his grave if he knew about it. 35333 -- Datamation, January 15, 1984 35334% 35335Pascal: 35336 A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his 35337 grave if he knew about it. 35338% 35339Pascal is a language for children wanting to be naughty. 35340 -- Dr. Kasi Ananthanarayanan 35341% 35342Pascal is not a high-level language. 35343 -- Steven Feiner 35344% 35345Pascal Users: 35346 The Pascal system will be replaced next Tuesday by Cobol. 35347 Please modify your programs accordingly. 35348% 35349Pascal Users: 35350 To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the 35351 death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed. 35352% 35353Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life. 35354 -- Eric Hoffer 35355% 35356Password: 35357% 35358Passwords are implemented as a result of insecurity. 35359% 35360Paster Crosstalk: What items are specifically mentioned by GOD as being 35361 unclean? Now did you know... preying birds... praying mantises... 35362 All birds of prey, all carrion eaters, fish eaters -- no good, can't 35363 eat those. Nothing that does not have both fins and scales. Most 35364 CREEPING things... 35365Alvarado: How 'bout caterpillars? 35366P: A caterpillar doesn't have a backbone. Nothing without a backbone 35367 can get in. 35368A: How do you know? You char a caterpillar, it gets real stiff! 35369P: Well, I don't think that the Lord meant us to eat CHARRED 35370 CATERPILLARS! 35371[...] 35372P: The hog, the squirrel... little squirrels. Who would want to eat 35373 a LITTLE SQUIRREL? 35374A: If you're starving. If you're starving in the park one day. 35375P: You'd probably just CHAR 'em to get 'em stiff, wouldn't ya? 35376A: No, you SINGE 'em. You SINGE 'em and eat 'em. *I* read about the 35377 Donner Pass, I know what man does when he's hungry. 35378P: Squirrels eating squirrels -- my GOD, that's sick! 35379A: That's sick, SURE. But a MAN eating a squirrel -- that's (heh, heh) 35380 par for the course, Charlie. 35381 -- Firesign Theatre 35382% 35383Patch griefs with proverbs. 35384 -- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing" 35385% 35386patent: 35387 A method of publicizing inventions so others can copy them. 35388% 35389"Pathetic," he said. "That's what it is. Pathetic." 35390(crosses stream) 35391"As I thought," he said, "no better from *this* side." 35392 -- Eyeore 35393% 35394Patience is a minor form of despair, disguised as virtue. 35395 -- Ambrose Bierce, on qualifiers 35396% 35397Patience is the best remedy for every trouble. 35398 -- Titus Maccius Plautus 35399% 35400Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel. 35401 -- S. Johnson, "The Life of Samuel Johnson" by J. Boswell 35402 35403In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last 35404resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but 35405inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first. 35406 -- Ambrose Bierce 35407 35408When Dr. Johnson defined patriotism as the last refuge of a scoundrel, 35409he ignored the enormous possibilities of the word reform. 35410 -- Sen. Roscoe Conkling 35411 35412Public office is the last refuge of a scoundrel. 35413 -- Boies Penrose 35414% 35415Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious. 35416 -- Oscar Wilde 35417% 35418Pauca sed matura. (Few but excellent.) 35419 -- Gauss 35420% 35421Paul Revere was a tattle-tale. 35422% 35423Paulg's Law: 35424 In America, it's not how much an 35425 item costs, it's how much you save. 35426% 35427Paul's Law: 35428 You can't fall off the floor. 35429% 35430Pause for storage relocation. 35431% 35432paycheck: 35433 The weekly $5.27 that remains after deductions for federal 35434 withholding, state withholding, city withholding, FICA, 35435 medical/dental, long-term disability, unemployment insurance, 35436 Christmas Club, and payroll savings plan contributions. 35437% 35438Payeen to a Twang 35439Derrida 35440Ore-Ida 35441potato. 35442 35443If you dared, 35444I'd ask you 35445to go dig 35446up your ides under brown- 35447tubered skies. 35448 35449where pitchforked 35450you will ask 35451Derrida? 35452% 35453Peace be to this house, and all that dwell in it. 35454% 35455Peace cannot be kept by force; it 35456can only be achieved by understanding. 35457 -- A. Einstein 35458% 35459Peace is much more precious than a piece 35460of land... let there be no more wars. 35461 -- Mohammed Anwar Sadat, 1918-1981 35462% 35463Peace, n: 35464 In international affairs, a period of cheating between two 35465 periods of fighting. 35466 -- Ambrose Bierce 35467% 35468Peanut Blossoms 35469 354704 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk 354714 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla 354724 cups shortening 14 cups flour 354738 eggs 4 tsp. soda 354744 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt 35475 35476Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased 35477cookie sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top 35478each cookie with a Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly 35479to crack cookie. Makes a hell of a lot. 35480% 35481Pecor's Health-Food Principle: 35482 Never eat rutabaga on any day of 35483 the week that has a "y" in it. 35484% 35485pediddel: 35486 A car with only one working headlight. 35487 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 35488% 35489Pedro Guerrero was playing third base for the Los Angeles Dodgers in 1984 35490when he made the comment that earns him a place in my Hall of Fame. Second 35491baseman Steve Sax was having trouble making his throws. Other players were 35492diving, screaming, signaling for a fair catch. At the same time, Guerrero, 35493at third, was making a few plays that weren't exactly soothing to manager 35494Tom Lasorda's stomach. Lasorda decided it was time for one of his famous 35495motivational meetings and zeroed in on Guerrero: "How can you play third 35496base like that? You've gotta be thinking about something besides baseball. 35497What is it?" 35498 "I'm only thinking about two things," Guerrero said. "First, `I 35499hope they don't hit the ball to me.'" The players snickered, and even 35500Lasorda had to fight off a laugh. "Second, `I hope they don't hit the ball 35501to Sax.'" 35502 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game" 35503% 35504Peeping Tom: 35505 A window fan. 35506% 35507Peers's Law: 35508The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem. 35509% 35510Pelorat sighed. 35511 "I will never understand people." 35512 "There's nothing to it. All you have to do is take a close look 35513at yourself and you will understand everyone else. How would Seldon have 35514worked out his Plan -- and I don't care how subtle his mathematics was -- 35515if he didn't understand people; and how could he have done that if people 35516weren't easy to understand? You show me someone who can't understand 35517people and I'll show you someone who has built up a false image of himself 35518-- no offense intended." 35519 -- Asimov, "Foundation's Edge" 35520% 35521Penguin Trivia #46: 35522 Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were. 35523% 35524PENGUINICITY!! 35525% 35526pension: 35527 A federally insured chain letter. 35528% 35529People (a group that in my opinion has always attracted an undue amount of 35530attention) have often been likened to snowflakes. This analogy is meant to 35531suggest that each is unique -- no two alike. This is quite patently not the 35532case. People ... are simply a dime a dozen. And, I hasten to add, their 35533only similarity to snowflakes resides in their invariable and lamentable 35534tendency to turn, after a few warm days, to slush. 35535 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 35536% 35537People are always available for work in the past tense. 35538% 35539People are beginning to notice you. 35540Try dressing before you leave the house. 35541% 35542People are like onions -- you cut them up, and they make you cry. 35543% 35544People are unconditionally guaranteed to be full of defects. 35545% 35546People don't change; they only become more so. 35547% 35548People don't make the same mistake twice -- they make it three times, 35549four times... 35550% 35551People don't usually make the same mistake twice -- they make it three 35552times, four time, five times... 35553% 35554People in general do not willingly read 35555if they have anything else to amuse them. 35556 -- S. Johnson 35557% 35558People love high ideals, but they got to be about 33-percent plausible. 35559 -- The Best of Will Rogers 35560% 35561People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war, or before an 35562election. 35563 -- Otto Von Bismarck 35564% 35565People of privilege will always risk their complete destruction 35566rather than surrender any material part of their advantage. 35567 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 35568% 35569People often find it easier to be a 35570result of the past than a cause of the future. 35571% 35572People respond to people who respond. 35573% 35574People say I live in my own little fantasy world... well, at least they 35575*know* me there! 35576 -- D.L. Roth 35577% 35578People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people 35579have been left out on the pleasure. 35580 -- Russell Baker 35581% 35582People seem to think that the blanket phrase, "I only work here," 35583absolves them utterly from any moral obligation in terms of the 35584public -- but this was precisely Eichmann's excuse for his job in 35585the concentration camps. 35586% 35587People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves. 35588% 35589People that can't find something to live for always seem to find something 35590to die for. The problem is, they usually want the rest of us to die for 35591it too. 35592% 35593People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense. 35594 -- Ken Kesey 35595% 35596People usually get what's coming to them -- unless it's been mailed. 35597% 35598People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get 35599much better press than people who are just funny and smart. 35600 -- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post" 35601% 35602People who claim they don't let little things bother 35603them have never slept in a room with a single mosquito. 35604% 35605People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes. 35606 -- Abigail Van Buren 35607% 35608People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. 35609% 35610People who have no faults are terrible; 35611there is no way of taking advantage of them. 35612% 35613People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven't 35614what they want that they don't want it. 35615 -- Ogden Nash 35616% 35617People who have what they want are very fond of telling 35618people who haven't what they want that they don't want it. 35619 -- Ogden Nash 35620% 35621People who make no mistakes do not usually make anything. 35622% 35623People who push both buttons should get their wish. 35624% 35625People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle. 35626% 35627People who take cold baths never have rheumatism, but they have 35628cold baths. 35629% 35630People who think they know everything 35631greatly annoy those of us who do. 35632% 35633People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin 35634Franklin said it first. 35635% 35636People will accept your ideas much more readily if 35637you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first. 35638% 35639People will buy anything that's one to a customer. 35640% 35641People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues. 35642% 35643People's Action Rules: 35644 (1) Some people who can, shouldn't. 35645 (2) Some people who should, won't. 35646 (3) Some people who shouldn't, will. 35647 (4) Some people who can't, will try, regardless. 35648 (5) Some people who shouldn't, but try, will then blame others. 35649% 35650Per buck you get more computing action with the small computer. 35651 -- R.W. Hamming 35652% 35653Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt. 35654[Confound those who have said our remarks before us.] 35655or 35656[May they perish who have expressed our bright ideas before us.] 35657 -- Aelius Donatus 35658% 35659Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things. 35660% 35661perfect guest: 35662 One who makes his host feel at home. 35663% 35664Perfection is finally attained, not when there is no longer 35665anything to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away. 35666 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery 35667% 35668Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything 35669to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away. 35670 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery 35671% 35672Performance: 35673 A statement of the speed at which a computer system works. Or 35674 rather, might work under certain circumstances. Or was rumored 35675 to be working over in Jersey about a month ago. 35676% 35677Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered. 35678I myself would say that it had merely been detected. 35679 -- Oscar Wilde 35680% 35681Perhaps no person can be a poet, or even enjoy 35682poetry without a certain unsoundness of mind. 35683 -- Thomas Macaulay 35684% 35685Perhaps the biggest disappointments were the ones you expected anyway. 35686% 35687Perhaps the most widespread illusion is that if we were in power we would 35688behave very differently from those who now hold it -- when, in truth, in 35689order to get power we would have to become very much like them. (Lenin's 35690fatal mistake, both in theory and in practice.) 35691% 35692Perhaps the world's second words crime is boredom. The first is 35693being a bore. 35694 -- Cecil Beaton 35695% 35696Perilous to all of us are the devices of 35697an art deeper than we ourselves possess. 35698 -- Gandalf the Grey 35699% 35700Periphrasis is the putting of things in a round-about way. "The cost may be 35701upwards of a figure rather below 10m#." is a periphrasis for The cost may be 35702nearly 10m#. "In Paris there reigns a complete absence of really reliable 35703news" is a periphrasis for There is no reliable news in Paris. "Rarely does 35704the 'Little Summer' linger until November, but at times its stay has been 35705prolonged until quite late in the year's penultimate month" contains a 35706periphrasis for November, and another for lingers. "The answer is in the 35707negative" is a periphrasis for No. "Was made the recipient of" is a 35708periphrasis for Was presented with. The periphrasis style is hardly possible 35709on any considerable scale without much use of abstract nouns such as "basis, 35710case, character, connexion, dearth, description, duration, framework, lack, 35711nature, reference, regard, respect". The existence of abstract nouns is a 35712proof that abstract thought has occurred; abstract thought is a mark of 35713civilized man; and so it has come about that periphrasis and civilization are 35714by many held to be inseparable. These good people feel that there is an almost 35715indecent nakedness, a reversion to barbarism, in saying No news is good news 35716instead of "The absence of intelligence is an indication of satisfactory 35717developments." 35718 -- Fowler's English Usage 35719% 35720Persistence in one opinion has never been considered 35721a merit in political leaders. 35722 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares", 1st century BC 35723% 35724Personifiers of the world, unite! 35725You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity! 35726 -- Bernadette Bosky 35727% 35728Personifiers Unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity! 35729% 35730Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; 35731persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting 35732to find a plot in it will be shot. By Order of the Author 35733 -- Mark Twain, "Tom Sawyer" 35734% 35735pessimist: 35736 A man who spends all his time worrying about how he can keep the 35737 wolf from the door. 35738 35739optimist: 35740 A man who refuses to see the wolf until he seizes the seat of 35741 his pants. 35742 35743opportunist: 35744 A man who invites the wolf in and appears the next day in a fur coat. 35745% 35746Pete: Waiter, this meat is bad. 35747Waiter: Who told you? 35748Pete: A little swallow. 35749% 35750Peter's hungry, time to eat lunch. 35751% 35752Peter's Law of Substitution: 35753 Look after the molehills, and the 35754 mountains will look after themselves. 35755 35756Peter's Principle of Success: 35757 Get up one time more than you're knocked down. 35758 35759Peter's Principle: 35760 In every hierarchy, each employee tends to rise to the level of 35761 his incompetence. 35762% 35763Peterson's Admonition: 35764 When you think you're going down for the third time -- 35765 just remember that you may have counted wrong. 35766% 35767Peterson's Rules: 35768 (1) Trucks that overturn on freeways 35769 are filled with something sticky. 35770 (2) No cute baby in a carriage is ever a girl when called one. 35771 (3) Things that tick are not always clocks. 35772 (4) Suicide only works when you're bluffing. 35773% 35774petribar: 35775 Any sun-bleached prehistoric candy that has been sitting in 35776 the window of a vending machine too long. 35777 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 35778% 35779Phasers locked on target, Captain. 35780% 35781Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so 35782because it is next to exciting Camden, New Jersy. 35783% 35784Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny. 35785% 35786philosophy: 35787 The ability to bear with calmness the misfortunes of our friends. 35788% 35789philosophy: 35790 Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems. 35791% 35792Phone call for chucky-pooh. 35793% 35794phosflink: 35795 To flick a bulb on and off when it burns out (as if, somehow, that 35796 will bring it back to life). 35797 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 35798% 35799Photographing a volcano is just about 35800the most miserable thing you can do. 35801 -- Robert B. Goodman 35802 [Who has clearly never tried to use a PDP-10. Ed.] 35803% 35804Physically there is nothing to distinguish human society from the 35805farm-yard except that children are more troublesome and costly than 35806chickens and women are not so completely enslaved as farm stock. 35807 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Getting Married" 35808% 35809Picking up the pieces of my sweet shattered dream, 35810I wonder how the old folks are tonight, 35811Her name was Ann, and I'll be damned if I recall her face, 35812She left me not knowing what to do. 35813 35814Carefree Highway, let me slip away on you, 35815Carefree Highway, you seen better days, 35816The morning after blues, from my head down to my shoes, 35817Carefree Highway, let me slip away, slip away, on you... 35818 35819Turning back the pages to the times I love best, 35820I wonder if she'll ever do the same, 35821Now the thing that I call livin' is just bein' satisfied, 35822With knowing I got noone left to blame. 35823Carefree Highway, I got to see you, my old flame... 35824 35825Searching through the fragments of my dream shattered sleep, 35826I wonder if the years have closed her mind, 35827I guess it must be wanderlust or tryin' to get free, 35828From the good old faithful feelin' we once knew. 35829 -- Gordon Lightfoot, "Carefree Highway" 35830% 35831Pickle's Law: 35832 If Congress must do a painful thing, 35833 the thing must be done in an odd-number year. 35834% 35835Piddle, twiddle, and resolve, 35836Not one damn thing do we solve. 35837 -- 1776 35838% 35839Pie are not square. Pie are round. Cornbread are square. 35840% 35841Piece of cake! 35842 -- G.S. Koblas 35843% 35844pig, n: 35845 An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by 35846 the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is 35847 inferior in scope, for it balks at pig. 35848 -- Ambrose Bierce 35849% 35850Pilfering Treasure property is paticularly dangerous: big thieves are 35851ruthless in punishing little thieves. 35852 -- Diogenes 35853% 35854Pilots should avoid using illegal drugs. 35855 -- AOPA's Pilot's Handbook, 1988 35856% 35857Piping down the valleys wild, 35858Piping songs of pleasant glee, 35859On a cloud I saw a child, 35860And he laughing said to me: 35861"Pipe a song about a Lamb!" 35862So I piped with merry cheer. 35863"Piper, pipe that song again;" 35864So I piped: he wept to hear. 35865 -- William Blake, "Songs of Innocence" 35866% 35867Pipo was born with few complications, but then the doctor accidently dropped 35868the infant on her head provoking her drunken father to drag the physician 35869outside where he would beat him to death with a live ocelot. 35870 -- Love and Rockets 35871% 35872PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20) 35873 You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed 35874 by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates 35875 and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack confidence 35876 and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to 35877 small animals. 35878% 35879PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20) 35880 Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the American 35881 Express card and a weapon. The world is yours today, as nobody 35882 else wants it. Your mortgage will be foreclosed. You will probably 35883 get run over by a bus. 35884% 35885PISCES (Feb.19 - Mar.20) 35886 You will get some very interesting news of a promotion today. 35887 It will go to someone in the office you dislike and will be the 35888 job you wanted. Don't lend anyone a car today. You don't have 35889 a car. 35890% 35891pixel, n: 35892 A mischievous, magical spirit associated with screen displays. 35893 The computer industry has frequently borrowed from mythology: 35894 Witness the sprites in computer graphics, the demons in artificial 35895 intelligence, and the trolls in the marketing department. 35896% 35897P-K4 35898% 35899PL/1, "the fatal disease", belongs more 35900to the problem set than to the solution set. 35901 -- E.W. Dijkstra 35902% 35903Plagiarize, plagiarize, 35904Let no man's work evade your eyes, 35905Remember why the good Lord made your eyes, 35906Don't shade your eyes, 35907But plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize. 35908Only be sure to call it research. 35909 -- Tom Lehrer 35910% 35911Planet Claire has pink hair. 35912All the trees are red. 35913No one ever dies there. 35914No one has a head.... 35915% 35916Plastic... Aluminum... These are the inheritors of the Universe! 35917Flesh and Blood have had their day... and that day is past! 35918 -- Green Lantern Comics 35919% 35920Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia 35921because they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers 35922couldn't compete successfully with poets. 35923 -- Kilgore Trout, "Venus on the Half Shell" 35924% 35925PLATONIC FRIENDSHIP: 35926 What develops when two people get 35927 tired of making love to each other. 35928% 35929Please do not look directly into laser with remaining eye. 35930% 35931Please don't put a strain on our friendship 35932by asking me to do something for you. 35933% 35934Please don't recommend me to your friends-- 35935it's difficult enough to cope with you alone. 35936% 35937PLEASE DON'T SMOKE HERE! 35938 35939Penalty: An early, lingering death from cancer, 35940 emphysema, or other smoking-caused ailment. 35941% 35942Please forgive me if, in the heat of battle, 35943I sometimes forget which side I'm on. 35944% 35945Please go away. 35946% 35947Please help keep the world clean: others may wish to use it. 35948% 35949Please ignore previous fortune. 35950% 35951Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment. 35952% 35953Please, Mother! I'd rather do it myself! 35954% 35955Please remain calm, it's no use both of 35956us being hysterical at the same time. 35957% 35958Please stand for the Nation Anthem: 35959 35960 O Canada 35961 Our home and native land 35962 True patriot love 35963 In all thy sons' command 35964 With glowing hearts we see thee rise 35965 The true north strong and free 35966 From far and wide, O Canada 35967 We stand on guard for thee 35968 God keep our land glorious and free 35969 O Canada we stand on guard for thee 35970 O Canada we stand on guard for thee 35971 35972Thank you. You may resume your seat. 35973% 35974Please stand for the National Anthem: 35975 35976 Australian's all, let us rejoice, 35977 For we are young and free. 35978 We've golden soil and wealth for toil 35979 Our home is girt by sea. 35980 Our land abounds in nature's gifts 35981 Of beauty rich and rare. 35982 In history's page, let every stage 35983 Advance Australia Fair. 35984 In joyful strains then let us sing, 35985 Advance Australia Fair. 35986 35987Thank you. You may resume your seat. 35988% 35989Please stand for the National Anthem: 35990 35991 God save our Gracious Queen! 35992 Long live our Noble Queen! 35993 God save the Queen! 35994 Send her victorious, 35995 Happy and glorious, 35996 Long to reign o'er us! 35997 God save the Queen! 35998 35999Thank you. You may resume your seat. 36000% 36001Please stand for the National Anthem: 36002 36003 Oh, say can you see by dawn's early light 36004 What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming? 36005 Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight 36006 O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming? 36007 And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air, 36008 Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there. 36009 Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave 36010 O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave? 36011 36012Thank you. You may resume your seat. 36013% 36014Please take note: 36015% 36016Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas" 36017until you are told that those rooms are "punched out." Once punched out, 36018we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such. 36019 -- N. Meyrowitz 36020% 36021Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means? 36022% 36023PL/I -- "the fatal disease" -- belongs more to the problem set than to the 36024solution set. 36025 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 36026% 36027Plots are like girdles. Hidden, they hold your interest; revealed, they're 36028of no interest except to fetishists. Like girdles, they attempt to contain 36029an uncontainable experience. 36030 -- R.S. Knapp 36031% 36032PLUG IT IN!!! 36033% 36034Plus ca change, plus c'est le meme chose. 36035% 36036Pohl's law: 36037 Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it. 36038% 36039poisoned coffee, n: 36040 Grounds for divorce. 36041% 36042Poland has gun control. 36043% 36044Political history is far too criminal a subject to be a fit thing to 36045teach children. 36046 -- W.H. Auden 36047% 36048Political speeches are like steer horns. A point 36049here, a point there, and a lot of bull inbetween. 36050 -- Alfred E. Neuman 36051% 36052Political television commercials prove one thing: some candidates 36053can tell all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds. 36054% 36055POLITICIAN: 36056 From the Greek 'poly' ("many") and the French 'tete' ("head" or 36057 "face," as in 'tete-a-tete': head to head or face to face). 36058 Hence 'polytetien', a person of two or more faces. 36059 -- Martin Pitt 36060% 36061Politicians are the same everywhere. They promise 36062to build a bridge even where there is no river. 36063 -- Nikita Khrushchev 36064% 36065Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories. 36066 -- Arthur C. Clarke 36067% 36068Politicians speak for their parties, and parties never are, never have 36069been, and never will be wrong. 36070 -- Walter Dwight 36071% 36072Politics -- the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign 36073funds from the rich by promising to protect each from the other. 36074 -- Oscar Ameringer 36075% 36076Politics and the fate of mankind are formed by men without ideals and 36077without greatness. Those who have greatness within them do not go in 36078for politics. 36079 -- Albert Camus 36080% 36081Politics are almost as exciting as war, and quite as 36082dangerous. In war, you can only be killed once. 36083 -- Winston Churchill 36084% 36085Politics, as a practice, whatever its professions, has always been the 36086systematic organisation of hatreds. 36087 -- Henry Adams, "The Education of Henry Adams" 36088% 36089Politics is like coaching a football team. You have to be smart 36090enough to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest. 36091% 36092Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing 36093between the disastrous and the unpalatable. 36094 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 36095% 36096Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to 36097realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. 36098 -- Ronald Reagan 36099% 36100Politics is the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next 36101week, next month and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to 36102explain why it didn't happen. 36103 -- Winston Churchill 36104% 36105Politics, like religion, hold up the 36106torches of matrydom to the reformers of error. 36107 -- Thomas Jefferson 36108% 36109Politics makes strange bedfellows, and journalism makes strange politics. 36110 -- Amy Gorin 36111% 36112politics, n: 36113 A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. 36114 The conduct of public affairs for private advantage. 36115 -- Ambrose Bierce 36116% 36117Pollyanna's Educational Constant: 36118 The hyperactive child is never absent. 36119% 36120POLYGON: 36121 Dead parrot. 36122% 36123Polymer physicists are into chains. 36124% 36125Poorman's Rule: 36126 When you pull a plastic garbage bag from its handy dispenser 36127 package, you always get hold of the closed end and try to 36128 pull it open. 36129% 36130Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the 36131Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866. The white 36132smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before it dawned 36133on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his name had hilarious 36134possibilities. The crowds fell about, helpless with laughter, singing 36135 36136 Half a pound of tuppenny rice 36137 Half a pound of treacle 36138 That's the way the chimney smokes 36139 Pope Goestheveezl 36140 36141The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of laughter 36142streaming down their faces. The event set a record for hilarious civic 36143functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron Hans Neizant 36144Bompzidaize was elected Landburgher of Koln in 1653. 36145 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 36146% 36147Populus vult decipi. 36148[The people like to be deceived.] 36149% 36150Porsche; there simply is no substitute. 36151 -- Risky Business 36152% 36153POSITIVE: 36154 Being mistaken at the top of your voice. 36155% 36156Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage. 36157 -- Ryan 36158% 36159Post proelium, praemium. 36160[After the battle, the reward.] 36161% 36162Postmen never die, they just lose their zip. 36163% 36164Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents: 36165 36166 SPUD ROGERS OF THE 25TH CENTURY: Story of an Air Force potato that's 36167left in a rarely used chow hall for over two centuries and wakes up in a world 36168populated by soybean created imitations under the evil Dick Tater. Thanks to 36169him, the soy-potatoes learn that being a 'tater is where it's at. Memorable 36170line, "'Cause I'm just a stud spud!" 36171 36172 FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER SERIES: Crazed potato who was left in a 36173fryer too long and was charbroiled carelessly returns to wreak havoc on 36174unsuspecting, would-be teen camp cooks. Scenes include a girl being stuffed 36175with chives and Fleischman's Margarine and a boy served up on a side dish 36176with beets and dressing. Definitely not for the squeamish, or those on 36177diets that are driving them crazy. 36178 36179 FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER II,III,IV,V,VI: Much, much more of the same. 36180Except with sour cream. 36181% 36182Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents: 36183 36184 THE TATERNATOR: Cyborg spud returns from the future to present-day 36185McDonald's restaurant to kill the potatoess (girl 'tater) who will give birth 36186to the world's largest french fry (The Dark Powers of Burger King are clearly 36187behind this). Most quotable line: "Ah'll be baked..." 36188 36189 A FISTFUL OF FRIES: Western in which our hero, The Spud with No Name, 36190rides into a town that's deprived of carbohydrates thanks to the evil takeover 36191of the low-cal Scallopinni Brothers. Plenty of smokeouts, fry-em-ups, and 36192general butter-melting by all. 36193 36194 FOR A FEW FRIES MORE: Takes up where AFOF left off! Cameo by Walter 36195Cronkite, as every man's common 'tater! 36196% 36197POVERTY: 36198 An unfortunate state that persists as long 36199 as anyone lacks anything he would like to have. 36200% 36201Poverty begins at home. 36202% 36203Poverty must have its satisfactions, else there would not be so many 36204poor people. 36205 -- Don Herold 36206% 36207POWER: 36208 The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA. 36209% 36210Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat. 36211 -- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy, 1981-1987 36212% 36213Power is poison. 36214% 36215Power is the finest token of affection. 36216% 36217Power, like a desolating pestilence, 36218Pollutes whate'er it touches... 36219 -- Percy Bysshe Shelley 36220% 36221Power tends to corrupt, absolute power corrupts absolutely. 36222 -- Lord Acton 36223% 36224PPRB -- Pillage, plunder, rape and burn. 36225% 36226Practical people would be more practical if 36227they would take a little more time for dreaming. 36228 -- J.P. McEvoy 36229% 36230Practical politics consists in ignoring facts. 36231 -- Henry Adams 36232% 36233Practically perfect people never permit 36234sentiment to muddle their thinking. 36235 -- Mary Poppins 36236% 36237Practice is the best of all instructors. 36238 -- Publilius 36239% 36240Practice yourself what you preach. 36241 -- Titus Maccius Plautus 36242% 36243PRAIRIES: 36244 Vast plains covered by treeless forests. 36245% 36246Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition. 36247 -- Stephen Coonts, "The Minotaur" 36248% 36249Praise the sea; on shore remain. 36250 -- John Florio 36251% 36252pray, n: 36253 To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf 36254 of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy. 36255 -- Ambrose Bierce 36256% 36257Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore. 36258 -- Russian Proverb 36259% 36260Predestination was doomed from the start. 36261% 36262Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future. 36263 -- Niels Bohr 36264% 36265Prejudice: 36266 A vagrant opinion without visible means of support. 36267 -- Ambrose Bierce 36268% 36269Premature optimization is the root of all evil. 36270 -- D.E. Knuth 36271% 36272Preserve the old, but know the new. 36273% 36274Preserve wildlife -- pickle a squirrel today! 36275% 36276Preserve Wildlife! Throw a party today! 36277% 36278President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic 36279pundits and forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax. 36280% 36281President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50% 36282of the vote. In a democracy, that's not called quitting. 36283 -- The Washington Post 36284% 36285Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist! 36286% 36287Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning: 36288 It's on the other side. 36289% 36290Price's Advice: 36291 It's all a game -- play it to have fun. 36292% 36293[Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves 36294the working man, he loves to see him work. 36295 -- Winston Churchill 36296% 36297[Prime Minister MacDonald] has the gift of compressing the 36298largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thought. 36299 -- Winston Churchill 36300% 36301Prince Hamlet thought Uncle a traitor 36302For having it off with his Mater; 36303 Revenge Dad or not? 36304 That's the gist of the plot, 36305And he did -- nine soliloquies later. 36306 -- Stanley J. Sharpless 36307% 36308Princeton's taste is sweet like a strawberry tart. Harvard's is a subtle 36309taste, like whiskey, coffee, or tobacco. It may even be a bad habit, for 36310all I know. 36311 -- Prof. J.H. Finley '25 36312% 36313Priority: 36314 A statement of the importance of a user or a program. Often 36315 expressed as a relative priority, indicating that the user doesn't 36316 care when the work is completed so long as he is treated less 36317 badly than someone else. 36318% 36319Prisons are built with stones of Law, brothels with bricks of Religion. 36320 -- Blake 36321% 36322Prizes are for children. 36323 -- Charles Ives, 36324 upon being given, but refusing, the Pulitzer prize 36325% 36326Pro is to con as progress is to Congress. 36327% 36328Probable-Possible, my black hen, 36329She lays eggs in the Relative When. 36330She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now 36331Because she's unable to postulate How. 36332 -- Frederick Winsor 36333% 36334PROBLEM DRINKER: 36335 A man who never buys. 36336% 36337Producers seem to be so prejudiced against actors who've had no training. 36338And there's no reason for it. So what if I didn't attend the Royal Academy 36339for twelve years? I'm still a professional trying to be the best actress 36340I can. Why doesn't anyone send me the scripts that Faye Dunaway gets? 36341 -- Farrah Fawcett-Majors 36342% 36343Profanity is the one language all programmers know best. 36344% 36345Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem Eng. 130 36346midterm. Once again a student did not receive a single point on his exam. 36347Newell has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter. Newell's earned exam average 36348has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%. 36349% 36350PROGRAM: 36351 Any task that can't be completed in one telephone call or one 36352 day. Once a task is defined as a program ("training program," 36353 "sales program," or "marketing program"), its implementation 36354 always justifies hiring at least three more people. 36355% 36356program, n: 36357 A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input 36358 into error messages. tr.v. To engage in a pastime similar to banging 36359 one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward. 36360% 36361Programmers do it bit by bit. 36362% 36363Programmers used to batch environments may find it hard to live 36364without giant listings; we would find it hard to use them. 36365 -- D.M. Ritchie 36366% 36367Programming Department: 36368 Mistakes made while you wait. 36369% 36370Programming is an unnatural act. 36371% 36372PROGRESS: 36373 Medieval man thought disease was caused by invisible demons 36374 invading the body and taking possession of it. 36375 36376 Modern man knows disease is caused by microscopic bacteria 36377 and viruses invading the body and causing it to malfunction. 36378% 36379Progress is impossible without change, and those who 36380cannot change their minds cannot change anything. 36381 -- G.B. Shaw 36382% 36383Progress means replacing a theory that 36384is wrong with one more subtly wrong. 36385% 36386Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long. 36387 -- Ogden Nash 36388% 36389Progress was all right. Only it went on too long. 36390 -- James Thurber 36391% 36392Promise her anything, but give her Exxon unleaded. 36393% 36394Promising costs nothing, it's the delivering that kills you. 36395% 36396PROMOTION FROM WITHIN: 36397 A system of moving incompetents up to the policy-making 36398 level where they can't foul up operations. 36399% 36400Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword. 36401% 36402Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction. 36403 36404This technique is used on equations with 'n' in them. Induction 36405techniques are very popular, even the military use them. 36406 36407SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction. 36408 36409 We know it's true for n equal to 1. Now assume that it's true 36410for every natural number less than n. N is arbitrary, so we can take n 36411as large as we want. If n is sufficiently large, the case of n+1 is 36412trivially equivalent, so the only important n are n less than n. We can 36413take n = n (from above), so it's true for n+1 becuase it's just about n. 36414 QED. (QED translates from the Latin as "So what?") 36415% 36416Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity. 36417 SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs. 36418[1] Horses have an even number of legs. 36419[2] They have two legs in back and fore legs in front. 36420[3] This makes a total of six legs, 36421 which certainly is an odd number of legs for a horse. 36422[4] But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity. 36423[5] Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs. 36424 36425Topics is be covered in future issues include proof by: 36426 intimidation, 36427 gesticulation (handwaving), 36428 "try it; it works", 36429 constipation (I was just sitting there and...), 36430 blatant assertion, 36431 changing all the 2's to n's, 36432 mutual consent, 36433 lack of a counterexample, and, 36434 "it stands to reason". 36435% 36436Proper treatment will cure a cold in seven days, 36437but left to itself, a cold will hang on for a week. 36438 -- Darrell Huff 36439% 36440Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them. 36441 -- Publilius Syrus 36442% 36443Prototype designs always work. 36444 -- Don Vonada 36445% 36446prototype, n. 36447 First stage in the life cycle of a computer product, followed by 36448 pre-alpha, alpha, beta, release version, corrected release version, 36449 upgrade, corrected upgrade, etc. Unlike its successors, the 36450 prototype is not expected to work. 36451% 36452Providence New Jersey is one of the few cities 36453where Velveeta cheese appears on the gourmet shelf. 36454% 36455Prunes give you a run for your money. 36456% 36457Pryor's Observation: 36458 How long you live has nothing to do 36459 with how long you are going to be dead. 36460% 36461Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' 36462shortcomings. 36463 -- Laurence J. Peter, "Peter's Principles" 36464% 36465Psychics will soon lead dogs to your body. 36466% 36467Psychoanalysis is that mental illness for which it regards itself 36468a therapy. 36469 -- Karl Kraus 36470 36471Psychiatry is the care of the id by the odd. 36472 36473Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you. 36474 -- C.G. Jung 36475% 36476psychologist, n: 36477 Someone who watches everyone else when an attractive woman walks 36478 into a room. 36479% 36480Psychologists think they're experimental psychologists. 36481Experimental psychologists think they're biologists. 36482Biologists think they're biochemists. 36483Biochemists think they're chemists. 36484Chemists think they're physical chemists. 36485Physical chemists think they're physicists. 36486Physicists think they're theoretical physicists. 36487Theoretical physicists think they're mathematicians. 36488Mathematicians think they're metamathematicians. 36489Metamathematicians think they're philosophers. 36490Philosophers think they're gods. 36491% 36492Psychology. Mind over matter. 36493Mind under matter? It doesn't matter. 36494Never mind. 36495% 36496Public use of any portable music system is a 36497virtually guaranteed indicator of sociopathic tendencies. 36498 -- Zoso 36499% 36500Publishing a volume of verse is like dropping 36501a rose petal down the Grand Canyon and waiting for the echo. 36502% 36503Pudder's Law: 36504 Anything that begins well will end badly. 36505 (Note: The converse of Pudder's law is not true.) 36506% 36507Punning is the worst vice, and there's no vice versa. 36508% 36509Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves to 36510spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to indicate 36511that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest person 36512on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in fact what you are 36513thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a lifeboat, the other 36514passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of the first day even if they 36515have plenty of food and water. 36516 -- Dave Barry 36517% 36518PURGE COMPLETE. 36519% 36520PURITAN: 36521 Someone who is deathly afraid that 36522 someone, somewhere, is having fun. 36523% 36524Puritanism -- the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy. 36525 -- H.L. Mencken, "A Book of Burlesques" 36526% 36527PURPITATION: 36528 To take something off the grocery shelf, decide you 36529 don't want it, and then put it in another section. 36530 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 36531% 36532Push where it gives and scratch where it itches. 36533% 36534Pushing 30 is exercise enough. 36535% 36536Pushing forty is exercise enough. 36537% 36538Put a pot of chili on the stove to simmer. 36539Let it simmer. Meanwhile, broil a good steak. 36540Eat the steak. Let the chili simmer. Ignore it. 36541 -- Recipe for chili from Allan Shrivers, former governor 36542 of Texas. 36543% 36544Put a rogue in the limelight and he will act like an honest man. 36545 -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims" 36546% 36547Put all your eggs in one basket and -- WATCH THAT BASKET. 36548 -- Mark Twain 36549% 36550Put another password in, 36551Bomb it out, then try again. 36552Try to get past logging in, 36553We're hacking, hacking, hacking. 36554 36555Try his first wife's maiden name, 36556This is more than just a game. 36557It's real fun, but just the same, 36558It's hacking, hacking, hacking. 36559% 36560Put cats in the coffee and mice in the tea! 36561% 36562Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust. 36563% 36564Put your best foot forward. 36565Or just call in and say you're sick. 36566% 36567Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth in motion. 36568% 36569Put your Nose to the Grindstone! 36570 -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd. 36571% 36572Put your trust in those who are worthy. 36573% 36574Putt's Law: 36575 Technology is dominated by two types of people: 36576 Those who understand what they do not manage. 36577 Those who manage what they do not understand. 36578% 36579Pyro's of the world... IGNITE !!! 36580% 36581Q: Are we not men? 36582A: We are Vaxen. 36583% 36584Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is? 36585A: One per person. 36586% 36587Q: Have you heard about the man who didn't pay for his exorcism? 36588A: He got re-possessed! 36589% 36590Q: How can we get the Beatles to reunite for one more concert? 36591A: With three more bullets. 36592% 36593Q: How can you tell if an elephant is having an affair with 36594 your wife? 36595A: You have to wait 22 months. 36596% 36597Q: How can you tell if an elephant is sitting on your back 36598 in a hurricane? 36599A: You can hear his ears flapping in the wind. 36600% 36601Q: How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying? 36602A: When his lips move. 36603% 36604Q: How did the elephant get to the top of the oak tree? 36605A: He sat on a acorn and waited for spring. 36606 36607Q: But how did he get back down? 36608A: He crawled out on a leaf and waited for autumn. 36609% 36610Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit? 36611A: Unique up on it! 36612 36613Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit? 36614A: The tame way! 36615% 36616Q: How do you keep a moron in suspense? 36617% 36618Q. How do you keep an Aggie busy at a terminal? 36619A. While he's not looking, switch it to "local". 36620% 36621Q: How do you know when you're in the <ethnic> section of Vermont? 36622A: The maple sap buckets are hanging on utility poles. 36623% 36624Q: How do you make an elephant float? 36625A: You get two scoops of elephant and some rootbeer... 36626% 36627Q: How do you play religious roulette? 36628A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets 36629 struck by lightning first. 36630% 36631Q: How do you save a drowning lawyer? 36632A: Throw him a rock. 36633% 36634Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant? 36635A: With a blue-elephant gun. 36636 36637Q: How do you shoot a pink elephant? 36638A: Twist its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with 36639 a blue-elephant gun. 36640% 36641Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging? 36642A: Take away his credit cards. 36643% 36644Q: How does a hacker fix a function which 36645 doesn't work for all of the elements in its domain? 36646A: He changes the domain. 36647% 36648Q: How does a single woman in New York get rid of cockroaches? 36649A: She asks them for a commitment. 36650% 36651Q: How does a WASP propose marriage? 36652A: "How would you like to be buried with my people?" 36653% 36654Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb? 36655A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment 36656 of license fee (binary only). 36657% 36658Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb? 36659A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being 36660 done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet. 36661% 36662Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 36663A: Five. One to screw in the lightbulb and four to share the 36664 experience. (Actually, Californians don't screw in 36665 lightbulbs, they screw in hot tubs.) 36666 36667Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? 36668A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all 36669 those Californians trying to share the experience. 36670% 36671Q: How many college football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 36672A: Only one, but he gets three credits for it. 36673% 36674Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat? 36675A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires. 36676 36677Q: How long does it take? 36678A: It's indeterminate. 36679 It will depend upon how many flats they've brought with them. 36680 36681Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats? 36682A: They replace your generator. 36683% 36684Q: How many Democrats does it take to enjoy a good joke? 36685A: One more than you can find. 36686% 36687Q: How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug? 36688A: Four. Two in the front, two in the back. 36689 36690Q: How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator? 36691A: There's a footprint in the mayo. 36692 36693Q: How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator? 36694A: There's two footprints in the mayo. 36695 36696Q: How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator? 36697A: The door won't shut. 36698 36699Q: How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator? 36700A: There's a VW Bug in your driveway. 36701% 36702Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? 36703A: None. We'll fix it in software. 36704 36705Q: How many system programmers does it take to change a light bulb? 36706A: None. The application can work around it. 36707 36708Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? 36709A: None. We'll document it in the manual. 36710 36711Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb? 36712A: None. The user can figure it out. 36713% 36714Q: How many Harvard MBA's does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 36715A: Just one. He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him. 36716% 36717Q: How many IBM 370's does it take to execute a job? 36718A: Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off. 36719% 36720Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to do a logical right shift? 36721A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register. 36722% 36723Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? 36724A: Fifteen. One to do it, and fourteen to write document number 36725 GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, 36726 of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally 36727 left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:..... 36728 consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks". 36729% 36730Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 36731A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring 36732 light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot 36733 to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for 36734 reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb-assassin to break 36735 the bulb in the first place. 36736% 36737Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? 36738A: One. Only it's his light bulb when he's done. 36739% 36740Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? 36741A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the 36742party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith 36743agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed 36744from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed 36745upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of 36746the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating 36747at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of 36748the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the 36749second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the 36750parties. 36751 The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be 36752limited to, the following. The party of the first part shall, with or without 36753elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other 36754means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party 36755of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered 36756non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part 36757becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall 36758have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner 36759consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes. 36760Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part 36761shall have the option of beginning installation. Aforesaid installation shall 36762occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in 36763step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation 36764should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. 36765The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the 36766first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to 36767produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership. 36768% 36769Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? 36770A: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if 36771 you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb... 36772% 36773Q: How many marketing people does it take to change a lightbulb? 36774A: I'll have to get back to you on that. 36775% 36776Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 36777A: None: The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution. 36778% 36779Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 36780A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem 36781 to the earlier joke. 36782% 36783Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a 36784 light bulb? 36785A: Seven. Scotty has to report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in 36786 the Engineering Section is getting dim, at which point Kirk will send 36787 Bones to pronounce the bulb dead (although he'll immediately claim 36788 that he's a doctor, not an electrician). Scotty, after checking 36789 around, realizes that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains 36790 that he "canna" see in the dark. Kirk will make an emergency stop at 36791 the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb 36792 from the natives, who, are friendly, but seem to be hiding something. 36793 Kirk, Spock, Bones, Yeoman Rand and two red shirt security officers 36794 beam down to the planet, where the two security officers are promply 36795 killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. 36796 As something begins to develop between the Captain and Yeoman Rand, 36797 Scotty, back in orbit, is attacked by a Klingon destroyer and must 36798 warp out of orbit. Although badly outgunned, he cripples the Klingon 36799 and races back to the planet in order to rescue Kirk et. al. who have 36800 just saved the natives' from an awful fate and, as a reward, been 36801 given all lightbulbs they can carry. The new bulb is then inserted 36802 and the Enterprise continues on its five year mission. 36803% 36804Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light 36805 bulb? 36806A: Three. One to do it, one to watch, and the third to shoot the 36807 witness. 36808% 36809Q: How many pre-med's does it take to change a lightbulb? 36810A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder 36811 out from under him. 36812% 36813Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? 36814A: Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has 36815 to really want to change. 36816% 36817Q: "How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?" 36818A: "Twelve; one to screw the light-bulb in, and eleven to self-destruct 36819 the ship out of disgrace." 36820 36821 [Warning: do not tell this joke to Romulans or else be ready for 36822 a fight. They consider this it to be a discrace, though it's 36823 pretty good for a LBJ. Ed.] 36824% 36825Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? 36826A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub 36827 with brightly colored machine tools. 36828 36829 [Surrealist jokes just aren't my cup of fur. Ed.] 36830% 36831Q: How many WASP's does it take to change a lightbulb? 36832A: One. 36833% 36834Q: How much does it cost to ride the Unibus? 36835A: 2 bits. 36836% 36837Q: How was Thomas J. Watson buried? 36838A: 9 edge down. 36839% 36840Q: Know what the difference between your latest project 36841 and putting wings on an elephant is? 36842A: Who knows? The elephant *might* fly, heh, heh... 36843% 36844Q: Minnesotans ask, "Why aren't there more pharmacists from Alabama?" 36845A: Easy. It's because they can't figure out how to get the little 36846 bottles into the typewriter. 36847% 36848Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars. 36849 What should I do? 36850 36851A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on 36852 believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably 36853 be the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you 36854 can. No time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to 36855 see if somebody else has made the correction. And it's not good 36856 enough to send the message by mail. Since you're the only one who 36857 really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have to inform the 36858 whole net right away! 36859 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 36860% 36861Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill? 36862A: "The elephants are coming over the hill." 36863 36864Q: What did he say when saw them coming over the hill wearing 36865 sunglasses? 36866A: Nothing, for he didn't recognize them. 36867% 36868Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common? 36869A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until 36870 they go down on you. 36871 36872Q: What's the advantage to being married to a blonde? 36873A: You can park in the handicapped zone. 36874 36875Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw 36876 puzzle in only 6 months? 36877A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years". 36878% 36879Q: What do little WASPs want to be when they grow up? 36880A: The very best person they can possibly be. 36881% 36882Q: What do monsters eat? 36883A: Things. 36884 36885Q: What do monsters drink? 36886A: Coke. (Because Things go better with Coke.) 36887% 36888Q: What do they call the alphabet in Arkansas? 36889A: The impossible dream. 36890% 36891Q: What do WASP's do instead of making love? 36892A: Rule the country. 36893% 36894Q: What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common? 36895A: The same middle name. 36896% 36897Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle? 36898A: A dope ring. 36899 36900Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails? 36901A: To cover up the valve stem. 36902 36903Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw 36904 puzzle in only 6 months? 36905A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years". 36906% 36907Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal? 36908A: Diyathinkhesaurus. 36909 36910Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal with a dog? 36911A: Diyathinkhesaurus Rex. 36912% 36913Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? 36914A: A stick. 36915% 36916Q: What do you call a brunette between two blondes? 36917A: An interpreter. 36918 36919Q: Why do blondes have square breasts? 36920A: They forgot to take the tissues out of the box. 36921 36922Q: What do you call ten blonds in a row? 36923A: A wind tunnel. 36924% 36925Q: What do you call a dog with no legs? 36926A: What does it matter? He can't come anyway. 36927 36928 [I got a dog with no legs -- I call him Cigarette. 36929 Every night, I take him out for a drag. Ed.] 36930% 36931Q: What do you call a group of kids with low IQ's, drinking diet cola, 36932 eating fruit, and singing? 36933A: The Moron Tab and Apple Choir. 36934% 36935Q: What do you call a half-dozen Indians with Asian flu? 36936A: Six sick Sikhs (sic). 36937% 36938Q: What do you call a million cats at the bottom of Lake Michigan? 36939A: A good start. 36940% 36941Q: What do you call a principal female opera singer whose high C 36942 is lower than those of other principal female opera singers? 36943A: A deep C diva. 36944% 36945Q. What do you call a TV set that fixes itself? 36946A. A Christian Science Monitor. 36947% 36948Q: What do you call a WASP who doesn't work for his father, isn't a 36949 lawyer, and believes in social causes? 36950A: A failure. 36951% 36952Q: What do you call the money you pay to the government when 36953 you ride into the country on the back of an elephant? 36954A: A howdah duty. 36955% 36956Q: What do you call the scratches that you get when a female 36957 sheep bites you? 36958A: Ewe nicks. 36959% 36960Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? 36961A: An offer you can't understand. 36962% 36963Q: What do you get when you stuff a flaming stick down a rabbit-hole? 36964A: Hot cross bunnies! 36965% 36966Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand? 36967A: Not enough sand. 36968% 36969Q: What does a blonde do first theing in the morning? 36970A: She goes home. 36971 36972Q: Why does blonde have fur on the hem of her dress? 36973A: To keep her neck warm. 36974 36975Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday? 36976A: Tell her a joke on Friday. 36977% 36978Q: What does a WASP Mom make for dinner? 36979A: A crisp salad, a hearty soup, a lovely entree, followed by 36980 a delicious dessert. 36981% 36982Q: What does it say on the bottom of Coke cans in North Dakota? 36983A: Open other end. 36984% 36985Q: What goes: Sis! Boom! Baaaaah! 36986A: Exploding sheep. 36987% 36988Q: What happens when four WASP's find themselves in the same room? 36989A: A dinner party. 36990% 36991Q: What is green and lives in the ocean? 36992A: Moby Pickle. 36993% 36994Q: What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has two of? 36995A: Feet. 36996% 36997Q: What is orange and goes "click, click?" 36998A: A ball point carrot. 36999% 37000Q: What is printed on the bottom of beer bottles in Minnesota? 37001A: Open other end. 37002% 37003Q: What is purple and commutes? 37004A: A boolean grape. 37005% 37006Q: What is purple and commutes? 37007A: An Abelian grape. 37008% 37009Q: What is purple and concord the world? 37010A: Alexander the Grape. 37011% 37012Q: "What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic 37013 existentialist?" 37014A: "Is there a dog?" 37015% 37016Q: What is the difference between a duck? 37017A: One leg is both the same. 37018% 37019Q: What is the difference between Texas and yogurt? 37020A: Yogurt has culture. 37021% 37022Q: What is the last thing a Kansas stripper takes off? 37023A: Her bowling shoes. 37024% 37025Q: What is the mating call of a blonde? 37026A: I think I'm drunk. 37027 37028Q: What's the call of a disappointed blonde? 37029A: I *said*, I *think* I'm drunk! 37030 37031Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde? 37032A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!" 37033% 37034Q: What is the sound of one cat napping? 37035A: Mu. 37036% 37037Q: What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches? 37038A: A nervous wreck. 37039% 37040Q: What looks like a cat, flies like a bat, brays like a donkey, and 37041 plays like a monkey? 37042A: Nothing. 37043% 37044Q: What's black and white and red all over? 37045A: Two nuns in a chainsaw fight. 37046% 37047Q: What's bruised, bleeding, and lies in a ditch? 37048A: Somebody who tells Aggie jokes. 37049% 37050Q: What's tan and black and looks great on a lawyer? 37051A: A doberman. 37052% 37053Q: What's the Blonde's cheer? 37054A: I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N... ah, oh well.. 37055 I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea... 37056 37057Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette? 37058A: Artificial intelligence. 37059 37060Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? 37061A: Shine a flashlight in their ear. 37062% 37063Q. What's the capital of Canada? 37064A. American. 37065% 37066Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead 37067 lawyer in the road? 37068A: There are skid marks in front of the dog. 37069% 37070Q: What's the difference between a duck and an elephant? 37071A: You can't get down off an elephant. 37072% 37073Q: What's the difference between a Mac and an Etch-a-Sketch? 37074A: You don't have to shake the Mac to clear the screen. 37075% 37076Q: What's the difference between a RHU cheerleader and a whale? 37077A: The moustache. 37078% 37079Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake? 37080A: One more drunk. 37081% 37082Q: What's the difference between Bell Labs and the Boy Scouts of America? 37083A: The Boy Scouts have adult supervision. 37084% 37085Q. What's the difference between Los Angeles and yogurt? 37086A. Yogurt has a living, active culture. 37087% 37088Q: What's tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous? 37089A: A canary with the super-user password. 37090% 37091Q: What's yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice? 37092A: Zorn's Lemon. 37093% 37094Q: Where's the Lone Ranger take his garbage? 37095A: To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump! 37096 37097Q: What's the Pink Panther say when he steps on an ant hill? 37098A: Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant... 37099% 37100Q: Who cuts the grass on Walton's Mountain? 37101A: Lawn Boy. 37102% 37103Q: Why are Jewish divorces so expensive? 37104A: Because they're worth it! 37105% 37106Q: Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers? 37107A: Because he was hungry. 37108% 37109Q: Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall? 37110A: To see what was on the other side. 37111 37112Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering wheels? 37113A: More head room. 37114 37115Q: How does a blonde turn on the light after having sex? 37116A: She opens the car door. 37117% 37118Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? 37119A: He was giving it last rites. 37120% 37121Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? 37122A: To see his friend Gregory peck. 37123 37124Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground? 37125A: To get to the other slide. 37126% 37127Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope? 37128A: To get to the other slide. 37129% 37130Q: Why did the lone ranger kill Tonto? 37131A: He found out what "kimosabe" really means. 37132% 37133Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"? 37134A: Because he left a residue at every pole. 37135% 37136Q: Why did the programmer call his mother long distance? 37137A: Because that was her name. 37138% 37139Q: Why did the WASP cross the road? 37140A: To get to the middle. 37141% 37142Q: Why do ducks have big flat feet? 37143A: To stamp out forest fires. 37144 37145Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet? 37146A: To stamp out flaming ducks. 37147% 37148Q: Why do firemen wear red suspenders? 37149A: To conform with departmental regulations concerning uniform dress. 37150% 37151Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together? 37152A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home. 37153% 37154Q: Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads? 37155A: Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise? 37156 Oh, right, *of course*! 37157% 37158Q: Why do the police always travel in threes? 37159A: One to do the reading, one to do the writing, and the other keeps 37160 an eye on the two intellectuals. 37161% 37162Q: Why does Washington have the most lawyers per capita and 37163 New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps? 37164A: God gave New Jersey first choice. 37165% 37166Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles? 37167A: Because they get their head stuck in the jars. 37168 37169Q: Why do blondes wear underwear? 37170A: To keep their ankles warm. 37171 37172Q: How do you kill a blonde? 37173A: Put spikes in her shoulder pads. 37174% 37175Q: Why don't lawyers go to the beach? 37176A: The cats keep trying to bury them. 37177% 37178Q: Why don't Scotsmen ever have coffee the way they like it? 37179A: Well, they like it with two lumps of sugar. If they drink 37180 it at home, they only take one, and if they drink it while 37181 visiting, they always take three. 37182% 37183Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? 37184A: You do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit 37185 gets all the credit. 37186% 37187Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation 37188 function, the more expensive it becomes to compute? 37189A: That's the Law of Spline Demand. 37190% 37191Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? 37192A: It takes too long to retrain them. 37193 37194Q: What's the mating call of the brunette? 37195A: All the blondes have gone home! 37196 37197Q: How do you tell if a blonde's been using the computer? 37198A: There's white-out on the screen. 37199% 37200Q: Why should you always serve a Southern Carolina football man 37201 soup in a plate? 37202A: 'Cause if you give him a bowl, he'll throw it away. 37203% 37204Q: Why was Stonehenge abandoned? 37205A: It wasn't IBM compatible. 37206% 37207Q: What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard? 37208A: You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand! 37209% 37210Q: What's the difference betweeen USL and the Graf Zeppelin? 37211A: The Graf Zeppelin represented cutting edge technology for its time. 37212% 37213Q: What's the difference between USL and the Titanic? 37214A: The Titanic had a band. 37215% 37216QED. 37217% 37218QOTD: 37219 "It's not the despair... I can stand the despair. It's the hope." 37220% 37221QOTD: 37222 "A child of 5 could understand this! Fetch me a child of 5." 37223% 37224QOTD: 37225 "A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem." 37226% 37227QOTD: 37228 All I want is a little more than I'll ever get. 37229% 37230QOTD: 37231 All I want is more than my fair share. 37232% 37233QOTD: 37234 "Dead people are good at running because they don't 37235 have to stop and breathe." 37236 -- Hokey, watching "Night of the Living Dead" 37237% 37238QOTD: 37239 "Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone." 37240% 37241QOTD: 37242 "East is east... and let's keep it that way." 37243% 37244QOTD: 37245 "Every morning I read the obituaries; if my name's not there, 37246 I go to work." 37247% 37248QOTD: 37249 Flash! Flash! I love you! ...but we only have fourteen hours to 37250 save the earth! 37251% 37252QOTD: 37253 "He eats like a bird... five times his own weight each day." 37254% 37255QOTD: 37256 "Her other car is a broom." 37257% 37258QOTD: 37259 "He's a perfectionist. If he married Raquel Welch, he'd expect 37260 her to cook." 37261% 37262QOTD: 37263 "He's such a hick he doesn't even have a trapeze in his bedroom." 37264% 37265QOTD: 37266 How can I miss you if you won't go away? 37267% 37268QOTD: 37269 "I ain't broke, but I'm badly bent." 37270% 37271QOTD: 37272 "I am not sure what this is, but an 'F' would only dignify it." 37273% 37274QOTD: 37275 "I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the 37276other hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out." 37277% 37278QOTD: 37279 "I drive my car quietly, for it goes without saying." 37280% 37281QOTD: 37282 "I haven't come far enough, and don't call me baby." 37283% 37284QOTD: 37285 I love your outfit, does it come in your size? 37286% 37287QOTD: 37288 "I may not be able to walk, but I drive from the sitting posistion." 37289% 37290QOTD: 37291 "I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!" 37292% 37293QOTD: 37294 I opened Pandora's box, let the cat out of the bag and put the 37295 ball in their court. 37296 -- Hon. J. Hacker (The Ministry of Administrative Affairs) 37297% 37298QOTD: 37299 "I sprinkled some baking powder over a couple of potatoes, but it 37300 didn't work." 37301% 37302QOTD: 37303 "I thought I saw a unicorn on the way over, but it was just a 37304 horse with one of the horns broken off." 37305% 37306QOTD: 37307 "I treat her like a throughbred, and she's STILL a nag!" 37308% 37309QOTD: 37310 "I tried buying a goat instead of a lawn tractor; had to return 37311 it though. Couldn't figure out a way to connect the snow blower." 37312% 37313QOTD: 37314 "I used to be an idealist, but I got mugged by reality." 37315% 37316QOTD: 37317 "I used to be lost in the shuffle, now I just shuffle along with 37318 the lost." 37319% 37320QOTD: 37321 "I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance." 37322% 37323QOTD: 37324 "I used to go to UCLA, but then my Dad got a job." 37325% 37326QOTD: 37327 "I used to jog, but the ice kept bouncing out of my glass." 37328% 37329QOTD: 37330 "I won't say he's untruthful, but his wife has to call the 37331 dog for dinner." 37332% 37333QOTD: 37334 "I'd never marry a woman who didn't like pizza. I might play 37335 golf with her, but I wouldn't marry her." 37336% 37337QOTD: 37338 "If he learns from his mistakes, pretty soon he'll know everything." 37339% 37340QOTD: 37341 "If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the aftershave." 37342% 37343QOTD: 37344 "If I'm what I eat, I'm a chocolate chip cookie." 37345% 37346QOTD: 37347 If it's too loud, you're too old. 37348% 37349QOTD: 37350 "If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it." 37351% 37352QOTD: 37353 If you're looking for trouble, I can offer you a wide selection. 37354% 37355QOTD: 37356 "I'll listen to reason when it comes out on CD." 37357% 37358QOTD: 37359 "I'm just a boy named 'su'..." 37360% 37361QOTD: 37362 I'm not a nerd -- I'm "socially challenged". 37363% 37364QOTD: 37365 I'm not bald -- I'm "hair challenged". 37366 37367 [I thought that was "differently haired". Ed.] 37368% 37369QOTD: 37370 "I'm not really for apathy, but I'm not against it either..." 37371% 37372QOTD: 37373 "I'm on a seafood diet -- I see food and I eat it." 37374% 37375QOTD: 37376 "In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy department." 37377% 37378QOTD: 37379 "It seems to me that your antenna doesn't bring in too many 37380 stations anymore." 37381% 37382QOTD: 37383 "It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his 37384 hands in his own pockets." 37385% 37386QOTD: 37387 "It's a cold bowl of chili, when love don't work out." 37388% 37389QOTD: 37390 "It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear." 37391% 37392QOTD: 37393 "It's been Monday all week today." 37394% 37395QOTD: 37396 "It's been real and it's been fun, but it hasn't been real fun." 37397% 37398QOTD: 37399 "It's hard to tell whether he has an ace up his sleeve or if 37400 the ace is missing from his deck altogether." 37401% 37402QOTD: 37403 "It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name." 37404% 37405QOTD: 37406 "It's sort of a threat, you see. I've never been very good at 37407 them myself, but I'm told they can be very effective." 37408% 37409QOTD: 37410 "I've always wanted to work in the Federal Mint. And then go on 37411 strike. To make less money." 37412% 37413QOTD: 37414 "I've got one last thing to say before I go; give me back 37415 all of my stuff." 37416% 37417QOTD: 37418 I've heard about civil Engineers, but I've never met one. 37419% 37420QOTD: 37421 "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing 37422 trivial." 37423% 37424QOTD: 37425 "Just how much can I get away with and still go to heaven?" 37426% 37427QOTD: 37428 "Let's do it." 37429 -- Gary Gilmore 37430% 37431QOTD: 37432 "Like this rose, our love will wilt and die." 37433% 37434QOTD: 37435 Ludwig Boltzmann, who spend much of his life studying statistical 37436 mechanics died in 1906 by his own hand. Paul Ehrenfest, carrying 37437 on the work, died similarly in 1933. Now it is our turn. 37438 -- Goodstein, States of Matter 37439% 37440QOTD: 37441 Money isn't everything, but at least it keeps the kids in touch. 37442% 37443QOTD: 37444 "My ambition is to marry a rich woman who's too proud to let 37445 her husband work." 37446% 37447QOTD: 37448 "My life is a soap opera, but who gets the movie rights?" 37449% 37450QOTD: 37451 My mother was the travel agent for guilt trips. 37452% 37453QOTD: 37454 "My shampoo lasts longer than my relationships." 37455% 37456QOTD: 37457 "Of course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with 37458 a fake?" 37459% 37460QOTD: 37461 "Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy." 37462% 37463QOTD: 37464 "Oh, no, no... I'm not beautiful. Just very, very pretty." 37465% 37466QOTD: 37467 "Our parents were never our age." 37468% 37469QOTD: 37470 "Overweight is when you step on your dog's tail and it dies." 37471% 37472QOTD: 37473 "Say, you look pretty athletic. What say we put a pair of tennis 37474 shoes on you and run you into the wall?" 37475% 37476QOTD: 37477 Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing. 37478% 37479QOTD: 37480 "She's about as smart as bait." 37481% 37482QOTD: 37483 Silence is the only virtue he has left. 37484% 37485QOTD: 37486 Some people have one of those days. I've had one of those lives. 37487% 37488QOTD: 37489 "Sure, I turned down a drink once. Didn't understand the question." 37490% 37491QOTD: 37492 Talent does what it can, genius what it must. 37493 I do what I get paid to do. 37494% 37495QOTD: 37496 "The baby was so ugly they had to hang a pork chop around its 37497 neck to get the dog to play with it." 37498% 37499QOTD: 37500 "The elder gods went to Suggoth and all I got was this lousy T-shirt." 37501% 37502QOTD: 37503 The forest may be quiet, but that doesn't mean 37504 the snakes have gone away. 37505% 37506QOTD: 37507 "There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm sure looking." 37508% 37509QOTD: 37510 "This is a one line proof... if we start sufficiently far to the 37511 left." 37512% 37513QOTD: 37514 "To hell with patience, I'm gonna kill me something!" 37515% 37516QOTD: 37517 "Unlucky? If I bought a pumpkin farm, they'd cancel Halloween." 37518% 37519QOTD: 37520 "What do you mean, you had the dog fixed? Just what made you 37521 think he was broken!" 37522% 37523QOTD: 37524 "What I like most about myself is that I'm so understanding 37525 when I mess things up." 37526% 37527QOTD: 37528 "What women and psychologists call `dropping your armor', we call 37529 "baring your neck." 37530% 37531QOTD: 37532 "Who? Me? No, no, NO!! But I do sell rugs." 37533% 37534QOTD: 37535 "Wouldn't it be wonderful if real life supported control-Z?" 37536% 37537QOTD: 37538 Y'know how s'm people treat th'r body like a TEMPLE? 37539 Well, I treat mine like 'n AMUSEMENT PARK... S'great... 37540% 37541QOTD: 37542 "You want me to put *holes* in my ears and hang things from them? 37543 How... tribal." 37544% 37545QOTD: 37546 "You're so dumb you don't even have wisdom teeth." 37547% 37548QOTD: 37549Everything I am today I owe to people, whom it is now 37550to late to punish. 37551% 37552QOTD: 37553I haven't come far enough and don't call me baby. 37554% 37555QOTD: 37556I looked out my window, and saw Kyle Pettys' car upside down, 37557then I thought 'One of us is in real trouble'. 37558 -- Davey Allison, on a 150 m.p.h. crash 37559% 37560QOTD: 37561"I want a home, a family, an occasional spanking ..." 37562 -- Kathy Ireland 37563% 37564QOTD: 37565"It wouldn't have been anything, even if it were gonna be a thing." 37566% 37567QOTD: 37568Lack of planning on your part doesn't consitute an emergency 37569on my part. 37570% 37571QOTD: 37572On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say... oh, somewhere in there. 37573% 37574QOTD: 37575Sacred cows make great hamburgers. 37576% 37577QOTD: 37578The only easy way to tell a hamster from a gerbil is that the 37579gerbil has more dark meat. 37580% 37581Quack! 37582 Quack!! Quack!! 37583% 37584Quality control: 37585 Assuring that the quality of a product does not get out of hand 37586 and add to the cost of its manufacture or design. 37587% 37588QUALITY CONTROL: 37589 The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off a 37590 production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works. 37591% 37592Quantity is no substitute for quality, 37593but its the only one we've got. 37594% 37595Quantum Mechanics is a lovely introduction to Hilbert Spaces! 37596 -- Overheard at last year's Archimedeans' Garden Party 37597% 37598Quantum Mechanics is God's version of "Trust me." 37599% 37600QUARK: 37601 The sound made by a well bred duck. 37602% 37603Quark! Quark! Beware the quantum duck! 37604% 37605Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in 37606exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday. Mannis feels he must 37607devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might eminate 37608from a recent statement he made comparing New York Mayor Ed Koch to 37609Nazi Martin Bormann. A spokesman from the Bormann estate said they are 37610weighing the odds of a slander suit. Mayor Koch could naturally be 37611reached for comment, but we chose not to listen. 37612 -- Dennis Miller 37613% 37614Question: 37615 Man Invented Alcohol, 37616 God Invented Grass. 37617 Whom do you trust? 37618% 37619question = ( to ) ? be : ! be; 37620 -- Wm. Shakespeare 37621% 37622QUESTION AUTHORITY. 37623 37624(Sez who?) 37625% 37626Question: Is it better to abide by the rules until 37627they're changed or help speed the change by breaking them? 37628% 37629Questionable day. 37630Ask somebody something. 37631% 37632Questions are never indiscreet, answers sometimes are. 37633 -- Oscar Wilde 37634% 37635Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened! 37636% 37637Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur. 37638 37639(Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.) 37640% 37641Quigley's Law: 37642 Whoever has any authority over you, 37643 no matter how small, will attempt to use it. 37644% 37645Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away. 37646 -- Robert Orben 37647% 37648Quite frankly, I don't like you humans. 37649After what you all have done, I find being "inhuman" a compliment. 37650% 37651Qvid me anxivs svm? 37652% 37653Radicalism: 37654 The conservatism of tomorrow injected into the affairs of today. 37655 -- A. Bierce 37656% 37657RADIO SHACK LEVEL II BASIC 37658READY 37659>_ 37660% 37661Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. 37662% 37663Raffiniert ist der Herrgott aber boshaft ist er nicht. 37664 -- Albert Einstein 37665% 37666rain falls where clouds come 37667sun shines where clouds go 37668clouds just come and go 37669 -- Florian Gutzwiller 37670% 37671Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down. 37672% 37673Rainy days and Mondays always get me down. 37674% 37675Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity. 37676% 37677Ralph's Observation: 37678It is a mistake to let any mechanical object 37679realise that you are in a hurry. 37680% 37681RAM wasn't built in a day. 37682% 37683Random, n: 37684 as in number, predictable. 37685 as in memory access, unpredictable. 37686% 37687Rarely do people communicate; they just take turns talking. 37688% 37689Rascal, am I? Take THAT! 37690 -- Errol Flynn 37691% 37692Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something I 37693saw at the airport... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of computer 37694magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport store. Does it 37695bother anyone else that half the world is being told all of our hard-won 37696secrets of computer technology? Remember how all the lawyers cried foul 37697when "How to Avoid Probate" was published? Are they taking no-fault 37698insurance lying down? No way! But at the current rate it won't be long 37699before there are stacks of the "Transactions on Information Theory" at the 37700A&P checkout counters. Who's going to be impressed with us electrical 37701engineers then? Are we, as the saying goes, giving away the store? 37702 -- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE president 37703% 37704Razors pain you; 37705Rivers are damp; 37706Acids stain you; 37707And drugs cause cramp. 37708Guns aren't lawful; 37709Nooses give; 37710Gas smells awful; 37711You might as well live. 37712 -- Dorothy Parker, "Resume", 1926 37713% 37714Re: Graphics: 37715 A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe 37716 the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately 37717 described with pictures. 37718% 37719Reach into the thoughts of friends, 37720And find they do not know your name. 37721Squeeze the teddy bear too tight, 37722And watch the feathers burst the seams. 37723Touch the stained glass with your cheek, 37724And feel its chill upon your blood. 37725Hold a candle to the night, 37726And see the darkness bend the flame. 37727Tear the mask of peace from God, 37728And hear the roar of souls in hell. 37729Pluck a rose in name of love, 37730And watch the petals curl and wilt. 37731Lean upon the western wind, 37732And know you are alone. 37733 -- Dru Mims 37734% 37735Reactor error - core dumped! 37736% 37737Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own. 37738% 37739Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body. 37740% 37741Reagan can't act either. 37742% 37743Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware has 37744limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing machines are 37745so poor at I/O. 37746% 37747Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker with 37748`programming systems', but those are so high level that they hardly count 37749(and rarely count accurately; precision is for applications). 37750% 37751Real computer scientists like having a computer on their desk, else how 37752could they read their mail? 37753% 37754Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run on 37755future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo sapiens 37756will ever be able to fit on a single planet. 37757% 37758Real programmers admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic value but they 37759find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is much too large to 37760implement. Most computer scientists don't notice this because they are 37761still arguing over what else to add to ADA. 37762% 37763Real programmers don't document; if it was 37764hard to write, it should be hard to understand. 37765% 37766Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the 37767illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much 37768good it did them. 37769% 37770Real Programmers don't eat quiche. They eat Twinkies and Szechwan food. 37771% 37772Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires 37773you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers 37774wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly 37775spring up in the middle of the machine room. 37776% 37777Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN. 37778FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies. 37779% 37780Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for 37781programmers who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN. 37782% 37783Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue. 37784% 37785Real programs don't eat cache. 37786% 37787Real Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they 37788use functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them? 37789% 37790Real wealth can only increase. 37791 -- R. Buckminster Fuller 37792% 37793Real World, The n.: 37794 1. In programming, those institutions at which programming may be 37795used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc. 2. To 37796programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities not related to 37797programming. 3. A universe in which the standard dress is shirt and tie 37798and in which a person's working hours are defined as 9 to 5. 4. The location 37799of the status quo. 5. Anywhere outside a university. "Poor fellow, he's 37800left MIT and gone into T.R.W." Used pejoratively by those not in residence 37801there. In conversation, talking of someone who has entered the real world 37802is not unlike talking about a deceased person. 37803% 37804Reality -- what a concept! 37805 -- Robin Williams 37806% 37807Reality always seems harsher in the early morning. 37808% 37809Reality does not exist - yet. 37810% 37811Reality is an obstacle to hallucination. 37812% 37813Reality is for people who can't deal with drugs. 37814 -- Lily Tomlin 37815% 37816Reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction. 37817% 37818Reality is nothing but a collective hunch. 37819 -- Lily Tomlin 37820% 37821Reality must take precedence over public relations, for Mother Nature 37822cannot be fooled. 37823 -- R.P. Feynman 37824% 37825Reality must take precedence over public 37826relations, for Mother Nature cannot be fooled. 37827 -- R.P. Feynman 37828% 37829Really?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!! 37830% 37831Reappraisal, n: 37832 An abrupt change of mind after being found out. 37833% 37834Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it. 37835 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" 37836% 37837Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than being 37838flat broke and having a stomach ache. 37839 -- Dolph Sharp 37840% 37841Recent investments will yield a slight profit. 37842% 37843Recent research has tended to show that the Abominable No-Man 37844is being replaced by the Prohibitive Procrastinator. 37845 -- C.N. Parkinson 37846% 37847Recently deceased blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan "comes to" after 37848his death. He sees Jimi Hendrix sitting next to him, tuning his guitar. 37849"Holy cow," he thinks to himself, "this guy is my idol." Over at the 37850microphone, about to sing, are Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin, and the 37851bassist is the late Barry Oakley of the Allman Brothers. So Stevie 37852Ray's thinking, "Oh, wow! I've died and gone to rock and roll heaven." 37853Just then, Karen Carpenter walks in, sits down at the drums, and says: 37854"'Close to You'. Hit it, boys!" 37855 -- Told by Penn Jillette, of magic/comedy duo Penn and Teller 37856% 37857Reception area, n: 37858 The purgatory where office visitors are condemned to spend 37859 innumerable hours reading dog-eared back issues of trade 37860 magazines like Modern Plastics, Chain Saw Age, and Chicken World, 37861 while the receptionist blithely reads her own trade magazine -- 37862 Cosmopolitan. 37863% 37864Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you 37865lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict, 37866but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and 37867Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 recessions. 37868% 37869Recipe for a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster: 37870 (1) Take the juice from one bottle of Ol' Janx Spirit 37871 (2) Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of 37872 Santraginus V (Oh, those Santraginean fish!) 37873 (3) Allow 3 cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the 37874 mixture (properly iced or the benzine is lost.) 37875 (4) Allow four liters of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it. 37876 (5) Over the back of a silver spoon, float a measure of 37877 Qualactin Hypermint extract. 37878 (6) Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger. Watch it dissolve. 37879 (7) Sprinkle Zamphuor. 37880 (8) Add an olive. 37881 (9) Drink... but... very carefully... 37882% 37883Recipe for a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster: 37884 (1) Take the juice from one bottle of Ol' Janx Spirit 37885 (2) Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of 37886 Santraginus V (Oh, those Santraginean fish!) 37887 (3) Allow 3 cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the 37888 mixture (properly iced or the benzine is lost.) 37889 (4) Allow four liters of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it. 37890 (5) Over the back of a silver spoon, float a measure of 37891 Qualactin Hypermint extract. 37892 (6) Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger. Watch it dissolve. 37893 (7) Sprinkle Zamphuor. 37894 (8) Add an olive. 37895 (9) Drink... but... very carefully... 37896% 37897Reclaimer, spare that tree! 37898Take not a single bit! 37899It used to point to me, 37900Now I'm protecting it. 37901It was the reader's CONS 37902That made it, paired by dot; 37903Now, GC, for the nonce, 37904Thou shalt reclaim it not. 37905% 37906Recursion is the root of computation 37907since it trades description for time. 37908% 37909Recursion: n. See Recursion. 37910 -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary 37911% 37912Regardless of whether a mission expands or contracts, 37913administrative overhead continues to grow at a steady rate. 37914% 37915Regnant populi. 37916% 37917Regression analysis: 37918 Mathematical techniques for trying to understand why things are 37919 getting worse. 37920% 37921Reichel's Law: 37922 A body on vacation tends to remain on vacation unless acted upon by 37923 an outside force. 37924% 37925Reinhart was never his mother's favorite -- and he was an only child. 37926 -- Thomas Berger 37927% 37928Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia: 37929 If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it. 37930% 37931Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven't the remotest 37932knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die. 37933 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Importance of Being Earnest" 37934% 37935...relaxed in the manner of a man who 37936has no need to put up a front of any kind. 37937 -- John Ball, "Mark One: the Dummy" 37938% 37939Reliable source, n: 37940 The guy you just met. 37941% 37942Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin. 37943 -- Anatole France 37944% 37945Religion is a crutch, but that's okay... humanity is a cripple. 37946% 37947Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. 37948 -- Napoleon 37949% 37950Religions revolve madly around sexual questions. 37951% 37952Rembrandt is not to be compared in the painting of character with our 37953extraordinarily gifted English artist, Mr. Rippingille. 37954 -- John Hunt, British editor, scholar and art critic 37955 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak" 37956% 37957Remember -- only 10% of anything can be in the top 10%. 37958% 37959Remember Darwin; building a better 37960mousetrap merely results in smarter mice. 37961% 37962Remember, DESSERT is spelled with two `s's while DESERT is spelled 37963with one, because EVERYONE wants two desserts, but NO ONE wants two 37964deserts. 37965 -- Miss Oglethorp, Gr. 5, PS. 59 37966% 37967Remember folks. Street lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph. 37968 -- Jim Samuels 37969% 37970Remember, God could only create the world in 6 days because he didn't 37971have an established user base. 37972% 37973Remember, Grasshopper, falling down 1000 stairs begins by tripping over 37974the first one. 37975 -- Confusion 37976% 37977"Remember, if it's being done correctly, here or abroad, it's 37978*not* the U.S. Army doing it!" 37979 -- Good Morning VietNam 37980% 37981Remember kids, if there's a loaded gun in the room, be sure 37982that you're the one holding it. 37983 -- Mr. Greenfatigues 37984% 37985Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life. 37986 -- Dave Butler 37987% 37988Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when 37989you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. 37990 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 37991% 37992Remember that there is an outside world to see and enjoy. 37993 -- Hans Liepmann 37994% 37995Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, 37996it could only be worse in Cleveland. 37997% 37998Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular? 37999% 38000Remember the... the... uhh..... 38001% 38002Remember thee 38003Ay, thou poor ghost while memory holds a seat 38004In this distracted globe. Remember thee! 38005Yea, from the table of my memory 38006I'll wipe away all trivial fond records, 38007All saws of books, all forms, all pressures past, 38008That youth and observation copied there. 38009 -- William Shakespear, "Hamlet" 38010% 38011Remember to say hello to your bank teller. 38012% 38013Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU. 38014 -- Mt. 38015% 38016Remember: use logout to logout. 38017% 38018Remembering is for those who have forgotten. 38019 -- Chinese proverb 38020% 38021Remove me from this land of slaves, 38022Where all are fools, and all are knaves, 38023Where every knave and fool is bought, 38024Yet kindly sells himself for nought; 38025 -- Jonathan Swift 38026% 38027Removing the straw that broke the camel's back 38028does not necessarily allow the camel to walk again. 38029% 38030Renning's Maxim: 38031 Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying. 38032% 38033Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late. 38034 -- Mark Twain 38035% 38036Repel them. Repel them. Induce them to relinquish the spheroid. 38037 -- Indiana University footbal cheer 38038% 38039Reply hazy, ask again later. 38040% 38041Reporter: 38042 A writer who guesses his way to the truth 38043 and dispels it with a tempest of words. 38044 -- Ambrose Bierce 38045% 38046Reporter: "How did you like school when you were growing up, Yogi?" 38047Yogi Berra: "Closed." 38048% 38049Reporter: "What would you do if you found a million dollars?" 38050Yogi Berra: "If the guy was poor, I would give it back." 38051% 38052Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): 38053 Mr. Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization? 38054Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea. 38055% 38056Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians and eyebrows. 38057Democrats raise Airedales, kids and taxes. 38058 38059Democrats eat the fish they catch. 38060Republicans hang them on the wall. 38061 38062Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry 38063Republican girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first. 38064 38065Democrats make up plans and then do something else. 38066Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made. 38067 38068Republicans sleep in twin beds -- some even in separate rooms. 38069That is why there are more Democrats. 38070 -- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules" 38071% 38072Reputation, adj: 38073 What others are not thinking about you. 38074% 38075Research is the best place to be: you work your buns off, and if it works 38076you're a hero; if it doesn't, well -- nobody else has done it yet either, 38077so you're still a valiant nerd. 38078% 38079Research is to see what everybody else has seen, 38080and think what nobody else has thought. 38081% 38082Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. 38083 -- Wernher von Braun 38084% 38085Research, n: 38086 Consider Columbus: 38087 He didn't know where he was going. 38088 When he got there he didn't know where he was. 38089 When he got back he didn't know where he had been. 38090 And he did it all on someone else's money. 38091% 38092Resisting temptation is easier when you 38093think you'll probably get another chance later on. 38094% 38095Responsibility: 38096 Everyone says that having power is a great responsibility. This is 38097a lot of bunk. Responsibility is when someone can blame you if something 38098goes wrong. When you have power you are surrounded by people whose job it 38099is to take the blame for your mistakes. If they're smart, that is. 38100 -- Cerebus, "On Governing" 38101% 38102Retirement means that when someone says "Have a nice day", you 38103actually have a shot at it. 38104% 38105Reunite Gondwondaland! 38106% 38107Rev. Jim: What does an amber light mean? 38108Bobby: Slow down. 38109Rev. Jim: What... does... an... amber... light... mean? 38110Bobby: Slow down. 38111Rev. Jim: What.... does.... an.... amber.... light.... 38112% 38113Revenge is a form of nostalgia. 38114% 38115Revenge is a meal best served cold. 38116% 38117Review Questions 38118 381191: If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH, 38120 and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before 38121 he exceeds the speed of light? How long will it be before the 38122 Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship? 38123 381242: If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks 38125 twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks 38126 every bone in his body? How long will it be before they cut off 38127 his insurance? Where does he get a new car every week? 38128 381293: If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers 38130 the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in 38131 a pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King 38132 Tut's? When will it fall on him? Will he notice? 38133% 38134Revolution, n: 38135 A form of government abroad. 38136% 38137Revolution, n: 38138 In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment. 38139 -- Ambrose Bierce 38140% 38141revolutionary, adj: 38142 Repackaged. 38143% 38144Rhode's Law: 38145 When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, circumstance, 38146 or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, empirically, or 38147 circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred, induced, deducted, 38148 estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always for the purpose 38149 of convenience, expediency, political advantage, material gain, or 38150 personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or none of the 38151 above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed, proclaimed, and 38152 adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably, universally, immutably, 38153 and infinitely so, until such time as it becomes advantageous to 38154 assume otherwise, maybe. 38155% 38156Rhode's Law: 38157 When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, circumstance, 38158or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, empirically, or circuitously 38159proven, derived, implied, inferred, induced, deducted, estimated, or 38160scientifically guessed, it will always for the purpose of convenience, 38161expediency, political advantage, material gain, or personal comfort, or any 38162combination of the above, or none of the above, be unilaterally and 38163unequivocally assumed, proclaimed, and adhered to as absolute truth to be 38164undeniably, universally, immutably, and infinitely so, until such time as 38165it becomes advantageous to assume otherwise, maybe. 38166% 38167Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men 38168should be happier than others. 38169 -- Oscar Wilde 38170% 38171Richard Nixon was the most dishonest individual I have ever met in my life. 38172He lied to his wife, his family, his friends, his colleagues in the Congress, 38173lifetime members of his own political party, the American people, and the 38174world. 38175 -- Senator Barry Goldwater 38176% 38177Riches cover a multitude of woes. 38178 -- Menander 38179% 38180Rick: "How can you close me up? On what grounds?" 38181Renault: "I'm shocked! Shocked! To find that gambling is 38182 going on here." 38183Croupier (handing money to Renault): 38184 "Your winnings, sir." 38185Renault: "Oh. Thank you very much." 38186 -- Casablanca 38187% 38188Riffle West Virginia is so small that the 38189Boy Scout had to double as the town drunk. 38190% 38191"Rights" is a fictional abstraction. No one has "Rights", neither 38192machines nor flesh-and-blood. Persons... have opportunities, not 38193rights, which they use or do not use. 38194 -- Lazarus Long 38195% 38196Ring around the collar. 38197% 38198Ritchie's Rule: 38199 (1) Everything has some value -- if you use the right currency. 38200 (2) Paint splashes last longer than the paint job. 38201 (3) Search and ye shall find -- but make sure it was lost. 38202% 38203Robot, n: 38204 Someone who's been made by a scientist. 38205% 38206Robot, n: 38207 University administrator. 38208% 38209Robustness, adj: 38210 Never having to say you're sorry. 38211% 38212Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention 38213 Unless the results are known in advance, 38214 funding agencies will reject the proposal. 38215% 38216Romance, like alcohol, should be enjoyed, but should not be allowed to 38217become necessary. 38218 -- Edgar Friedenberg 38219% 38220Rome was not built in one day. 38221 -- John Heywood 38222% 38223Rome wasn't burnt in a day. 38224% 38225Romeo was restless, he was ready to kill, 38226He jumped out the window 'cause he couldn't sit still, 38227Juliet was waiting with a safety net, 38228Said "don't bury me 'cause I ain't dead yet". 38229 -- Elvis Costello 38230% 38231Roses are red; 38232 Violets are blue. 38233I'm schizophrenic, 38234 And so am I. 38235% 38236Rotten wood cannot be carved. 38237 -- Confucius, "Analects", Book 5, Ch. 9 38238% 38239Roumanian-Yiddish cooking has killed more Jews than Hitler. 38240 -- Zero Mostel 38241% 38242Round Numbers are always false. 38243 -- Samuel Johnson 38244% 38245Row, row, row your bits, gently down the stream... 38246% 38247Rubber bands have snappy endings! 38248% 38249Rube Walker: "Hey, Yogi, what time is it?" 38250Yogi Berra: "You mean now?" 38251% 38252Rudd's Discovery: 38253 You know that any senator or congressman could go home and make 38254 $300,000 to $400,000, but they don't. Why? Because they can 38255 stay in Washington and make it there. 38256% 38257Rudeness is a weak man's imitation of strength. 38258% 38259Rudin's Law: 38260 If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will 38261 do it every time. 38262 38263Rudin's Second Law: 38264 In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative 38265 courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible 38266 course. 38267% 38268rugby, n: 38269 Elegant violence. 38270 38271 (Rugby players eat their dead.) 38272 (Blood makes the grass grow!) 38273 (Support your local hooker! Play rugby!) 38274 38275 [A "hooker" is part of the scrum. Thought you'd want to know. Ed.] 38276% 38277RUGGED: 38278 Too heavy to lift. 38279% 38280Rule #1: 38281 The Boss is always right. 38282 38283Rule #2: 38284 If the Boss is wrong, see Rule #1. 38285% 38286Rule #7: Silence is not acquiescence. 38287 Contrary to what you may have heard, silence of those present is 38288not necessarily consent, even the reluctant variety. They simply may 38289sit in stunned silence and figure ways of sabotaging the plan after they 38290regain their composure. 38291% 38292Rule of Creative Research: 38293 1) Never draw what you can copy. 38294 2) Never copy what you can trace. 38295 3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. 38296% 38297Rule of Defactualization: 38298 Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies. 38299% 38300Rule of Feline Frustration: 38301 When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly 38302 content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the 38303 bathroom. 38304% 38305Rule of Life #1 -- Never get separated from your luggage. 38306% 38307Rule of the Great: 38308 When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep 38309 thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch. 38310% 38311Rule the Empire through force. 38312 -- Shogun Tokugawa 38313% 38314Rules for driving in New York: 38315 1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal. 38316 2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers on. 38317 3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the 38318 intersection. 38319% 38320Rules for Good Grammar #4. 38321 1: Don't use no double negatives. 38322 2: Make each pronoun agree with their antecedents. 38323 3: Join clauses good, like a conjunction should. 38324 4: About them sentence fragments. 38325 5: When dangling, watch your participles. 38326 6: Verbs has got to agree with their subjects. 38327 7: Just between you and i, case is important. 38328 8: Don't write run-on sentences when they are hard to read. 38329 9: Don't use commas, which aren't necessary. 3833010: Try to not ever split infinitives. 3833111: It is important to use your apostrophe's correctly. 3833212: Proofread your writing to see if you any words out. 3833313: Correct speling is essential. 3833414: A preposition is something you never end a sentence with. 3833515: While a transcendant vocabulary is laudable, one must be eternally 38336 careful so that the calculated objective of communication does not 38337 become ensconsed in obscurity. In other words, eschew obfuscation. 38338% 38339Rules for Writers: 38340 Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read. Don't use no double 38341negatives. Use the semicolon properly, always use it where it is appropriate; 38342and never where it isn't. Reserve the apostrophe for it's proper use and 38343omit it when its not needed. No sentence fragments. Avoid commas, that are 38344unnecessary. Eschew dialect, irregardless. And don't start a sentence with 38345a conjunction. Hyphenate between sy-llables and avoid un-necessary hyphens. 38346Write all adverbial forms correct. Don't use contractions in formal writing. 38347Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. It is incumbent on 38348us to avoid archaisms. Steer clear of incorrect forms of verbs that have 38349snuck in the language. Never, ever use repetitive redundancies. If I've 38350told you once, I've told you a thousand times, resist hyperbole. Also, 38351avoid awkward or affected alliteration. Don't string too many prepositional 38352phrases together unless you are walking through the valley of the shadow of 38353death. "Avoid overuse of 'quotation "marks."'" 38354% 38355RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED 38356 1. Never eat on an empty stomach. 38357 2. Never leave the table hungry. 38358 3. When traveling, never leave a country hungry. 38359 4. Enjoy your food. 38360 5. Enjoy your companion's food. 38361 6. Really taste your food. It may take several portions to 38362 accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned. 38363 7. Really feel your food. Texture is important. Compare, for 38364 example, the texture of a turnip to that of a brownie. 38365 Which feels better against your cheeks? 38366 8. Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal. 38367 9. Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You can 38368 always eat it later. 38369 10. Avoid any wine with a childproof cap. 38370 11. Avoid blue food. 38371 -- The Bronx Diet, "Richard Smith" 38372% 38373Ruling a big country is like cooking a small fish. 38374 -- Lao Tsu 38375% 38376Rune's Rule: 38377 If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost. 38378% 38379Russia has abolished God, but so far God has been more tolerant. 38380 -- John Cameron Swayze 38381% 38382Ruth made a great mistake when he gave up pitching. Working once a week, 38383he might have lasted a long time and become a great star. 38384 -- Tris Speaker, commenting on Babe Ruth's plan to change 38385 from being a pitcher to an outfielder. 38386 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak" 38387% 38388Ryan's Law: 38389 Make three correct guesses consecutively 38390 and you will establish yourself as an expert. 38391% 38392Sacher's Observation: 38393 Some people grow with responsibility -- others merely swell. 38394% 38395Sacred cows make great hamburgers. 38396% 38397SADISM: 38398 A sadist refusing to whip a masochist. 38399% 38400sadoequinecrophilia, n: 38401 Beating a dead horse. 38402% 38403Safety Third. 38404% 38405Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence 38406 Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead. 38407 38408 1. Little things start bothering you: little things like worms, 38409 bugs, ants. 38410 2. Something is missing in your personal relationships. 38411 3. Your dog becomes overly affectionate. 38412 4. You have a hard time getting a waiter. 38413 5. Exotic birds flock around you. 38414 6. People ignore you at parties. 38415 7. You have a hard time getting up in the morning. 38416 8. You no longer get off on cocaine. 38417% 38418SAGDEEV CALLED ON THE U.S. TO MAKE A RECIPROCAL GESTURE: 38419 38420 In a recent speech in London, the irrepressible former head of the 38421Soviet Space Research Institute noted that the Soviet Government has offered 38422to convert its gigantic Krasnoyarsk radar in Siberia into an international 38423space research facility in response to U.S. complaints that the radar would 38424violate the ABM treaty. Sagdeev suggested that the U.S. reciprocate by 38425turning the unfinished U.S. embassy in Moscow into a nuclear crisis reduction 38426center. The communication system, he pointed out, is already in place. 38427% 38428SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21) 38429 You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless 38430 tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of 38431 Sagitarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People laugh at 38432 you a great deal. 38433% 38434SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21) 38435 Move slowly today, be deliberate. Indications are for bleeding 38436 ulcers. Drink milk. Try not to be your usual offensive and 38437 obnoxious self. Call your mother. 38438% 38439SAGITTARIUS (Nov.22 - Dec.21) 38440 Your efforts to help a little old lady cross a street will 38441 backfire when you learn that she was waiting for a bus. Subdue 38442 impulse you have to push her out into traffic. 38443% 38444Said the attractive, cigar-smoking housewife to her girl-friend: "I 38445got started one night when George came home and found one burning in 38446the ashtray." 38447% 38448Sailing is fun, but scrubbing the decks is aardvark. 38449 -- Heard on Noahs' ark 38450% 38451Sailors in ships, sail on! 38452Even while we died, others rode out the storm. 38453% 38454Saints should always be judged guilty until they are proved innocent. 38455 -- George Orwell, "Reflections on Gandhi" 38456% 38457Saliva causes cancer, but only if swallowed 38458in small amounts over a long period of time. 38459 -- George Carlin 38460% 38461Sally: C'mon, Ted, all I'm asking you to do is share your feelings 38462 with me. 38463Ted: ALL? Do you realize what you're asking? Men aren't trained 38464 to share. We're trained to protect ourselves by not 38465 letting anyone too close. Good grief, if I go around 38466 sharing everything with you, you could hang me out to dry. 38467Sally: It's called "trust," Ted. 38468Ted: "Sharing"? "Trust"? You're really asking me to sail into 38469 uncharted waters here. 38470 -- Sally Forth 38471% 38472Sam: What do you know there, Norm? 38473Norm: How to sit. How to drink. Want to quiz me? 38474 -- Cheers, Loverboyd 38475 38476Sam: Hey, how's life treating you there, Norm? 38477Norm: Beats me. ... Then it kicks me and leaves me for dead. 38478 -- Cheers, Loverboyd 38479 38480Woody: How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson? 38481Norm: Pretty nervous if I was in the room. 38482 -- Cheers, Loverboyd 38483% 38484Sam: What's the good word, Norm? 38485Norm: Plop, plop, fizz, fizz. 38486Sam: Oh no, not the Hungry Heifer... 38487Norm: Yeah, yeah, yeah... 38488Sam: One heartburn cocktail coming up. 38489 -- Cheers, I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday 38490 38491Sam: Whaddya say, Norm? 38492Norm: Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink. And down it goes. 38493 -- Cheers, Love Thy Neighbor 38494 38495Woody: What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson? 38496Norm: Boxer shorts and loose shoes. But I'll settle for a beer. 38497 -- Cheers, The Bar Stoolie 38498% 38499Sam: What do you say, Norm? 38500Norm: Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer. 38501 -- Cheers, Birth, Death, Love and Rice 38502 38503Sam: What do you say to a beer, Normie? 38504Norm: Hiya, sailor. New in town? 38505 -- Cheers, Woody Goes Belly Up 38506 38507Norm: [coming in from the rain] Evening, everybody. 38508All: Norm! (Norman.) 38509Sam: Still pouring, Norm? 38510Norm: That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing. 38511 -- Cheers, Diane's Nightmare 38512% 38513Sam: What's going on, Normie? 38514Norm: My birthday, Sammy. Give me a beer, stick a candle in 38515 it, and I'll blow out my liver. 38516 -- Cheers, Where Have All the Floorboards Gone 38517 38518Woody: Hey, Mr. P. How goes the search for Mr. Clavin? 38519Norm: Not as well as the search for Mr. Donut. 38520 Found him every couple of blocks. 38521 -- Cheers, Head Over Hill 38522% 38523Sam: What's new, Norm? 38524Norm: Most of my wife. 38525 -- Cheers, The Spy Who Came in for a Cold One 38526 38527Coach: Beer, Norm? 38528Norm: Naah, I'd probably just drink it. 38529 -- Cheers, Now Pitching, Sam Malone 38530 38531Coach: What's doing, Norm? 38532Norm: Well, science is seeking a cure for thirst. I happen 38533 to be the guinea pig. 38534 -- Cheers, Let Me Count the Ways 38535% 38536SAN DIEGO: 38537 Four million people, where you can't get a 38538 good cheeseburger, no matter how hard you try. 38539% 38540SAN FRANCISCO: 38541 Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse. 38542% 38543San Francisco has always been my favorite booing city. I don't mean the 38544people boo louder or longer, but there is a very special intimacy. When 38545they boo you, you know they mean *you*. Music, that's what it is to me. 38546One time in Kezar Stadium they gave me a standing boo. 38547 -- George Halas, professional footbal coach 38548% 38549San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was. 38550 -- Herb Caen 38551% 38552Sanity and insanity overlap a fine grey line. 38553% 38554Sank heaven for leetle curls. 38555% 38556Santa Claus is watching! 38557% 38558Santa Claus wears a red suit 38559He's a Communist. 38560 38561He has long hair and a beard 38562Must be a pacifist. 38563 38564And what's in the pipe that he's smoking? 38565 38566Santa Claus comes in your house at night. 38567He must be a dope fiend to get you up tight. 38568 38569Why do police guys beat on peace guys? 38570 -- Arlo Guthrie, "The Pause of Mr. Claus" 38571% 38572 38573SANTA IS BRINGING GOOD WISHES FROM ALL THE 38574MICRO ARTISTS GANG! MAY 1988 BE A HAPPY YEAR! 38575 38576 38577 \__\_ :. ___/ 38578 ..\ /-- 38579 :.______ : .:* : . _ .: :.. . : . . : ()_ .: 38580 (( \. :./(__ :._O_)________:______,____:____/ *\_o 38581====(( \: (****) (***) :. ...: .. . ()_______/\\ __-' 38582 \____(( \ ()oo()_/ /.: : ..________/_____ll -/.: .. 38583 ( (( \(())))__/ . .. \\.: ..( ) ll ( l_.: 38584( / (( \__*__)___:___ : : )) .) /--------\ \ \ 38585( / ((_____________) .. // . / / /..:: . )_)_\ 38586 (____/_____________________\__// : /_/_/ :.. :/_/ \_\ 38587 /_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/ /_/_/ 38588 38589 38590% 38591Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses. 38592% 38593Satellite Safety Tip #14: 38594 If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck. 38595% 38596Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone. 38597% 38598Satire is tragedy plus time. 38599 -- Lenny Bruce 38600% 38601Satire is what closes in New Haven. 38602% 38603Satire is what closes Saturday night. 38604 -- George Kaufman 38605% 38606Sattinger's Law: 38607 It works better if you plug it in. 38608% 38609Saturday night in Toledo Ohio, 38610Is like being nowhere at all, 38611All through the day how the hours rush by, 38612You sit in the park and you watch the grass die. 38613 -- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio" 38614% 38615Satyrs have more faun. 38616% 38617Savage's Law of Expediency: 38618 You want it bad, you'll get it bad. 38619% 38620Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be 38621surprised at how little you have. 38622 -- Ernest Haskins 38623% 38624Save energy: Drive a smaller shell. 38625% 38626Save energy: be apathetic. 38627% 38628Save gas, don't eat beans. 38629% 38630Save gas, don't use the shell. 38631% 38632Save the bales! 38633% 38634Save the whales. Collect the whole set. 38635% 38636Save yourself! Reboot in 5 seconds! 38637% 38638Say! You've struck a heap of trouble-- 38639Bust in business, lost your wife; 38640No one cares a cent about you, 38641You don't care a cent for life; 38642Hard luck has of hope bereft you, 38643Health is failing, wish you'd die-- 38644Why, you've still the sunshine left you 38645And the big blue sky. 38646 -- R.W. Service 38647% 38648Say it with flowers, 38649Or say it with mink, 38650But whatever you do, 38651Don't say it with ink! 38652 -- Jimmie Durante 38653% 38654Say many of cameras focused t'us, 38655Our middle-aged shots do us justice. 38656No justice, please, curse ye! 38657We really want mercy: 38658You see, 'tis the justice, disgusts us. 38659 -- Thomas H. Hildebrandt 38660% 38661Say my love is easy had, 38662Say I'm bitten raw with pride, 38663Say I am too often sad -- 38664Still behold me at your side. 38665 38666Say I'm neither brave nor young, 38667Say I woo and coddle care, 38668Say the devil touched my tongue, 38669Still you have my heart to wear. 38670 38671But say my verses do not scan, 38672And I get me another man! 38673 -- Dorothy Parker, "Fighting Words" 38674% 38675Say no, then negotiate. 38676 -- Helga 38677% 38678Say something you'll be sorry for, I love receiving apologies. 38679% 38680Say "twenty-three-skiddoo" to logout. 38681% 38682SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out! 38683 -- Ken Thompson 38684% 38685SCENARIO: 38686 An imagined sequence of events that provides the context in 38687 which a business decision is made. Scenarios always come in 38688 sets of three: best case, worst case, and just in case. 38689% 38690Scenary is here, wish you were beautiful. 38691% 38692Scene: 38693 A small boy stands agasp on the stairway overlooking the living 38694room. A rather largish man in a big red suit with white fur and red and 38695white belled cap hunches over the fireplace, obviously interrupted in 38696filling stockings with packages taken from a huge bag slung over his 38697shoulder. His eyebrows are raised, matter-of-factly, as he spies the boy 38698intently watching him. 38699 38700Caption: 38701 "I'm sorry you've seen me, Billy. Now I'll have to kill you. 38702% 38703Schapiro's Explanation: 38704 The grass is always greener on the other side -- 38705 but that's because they use more manure. 38706% 38707Schizophrenia beats being alone. 38708% 38709schlattwhapper, n: 38710 The window shade that allows itself to be pulled down, 38711 hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face. 38712 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 38713% 38714Schmidt's Observation: 38715 All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap 38716 than a thin person. 38717% 38718Science and religion are in full accord but 38719science and faith are in complete discord. 38720% 38721Science Fiction, Double Feature. 38722Frank has built and lost his creature. 38723Darkness has conquered Brad and Janet. 38724The servants gone to a distant planet. 38725Wo, oh, oh, oh. 38726At the late night, double feature, Picture show. 38727I want to go, oh, oh, oh. 38728To the late night, double feature, Picture show. 38729 -- Rocky Horror Picture Show 38730% 38731Science is built up of facts, as a house is with stones. But a 38732collection of facts is no more a science than a heap of stones 38733is a house. 38734 -- Jules Henri Poincare 38735% 38736Science is to computer science as hydrodynamics is to plumbing. 38737% 38738Science is what happens when preconception meets verification. 38739% 38740Science may someday discover what faith has always known. 38741% 38742Science! true daughter of Old Time thou art! 38743Who alterest all things with thy peering eyes. 38744Why preyest thou thus upon the poet's heart, 38745Vulture, whose wings are dull realities? 38746How should he love thee? or how deem thee wise? 38747Who wouldst not leave him in his wandering 38748To seek for treasure in the jewelled skies, 38749Albeit he soared with an undaunted wing? 38750Hast thou not dragged Diana from her car? 38751And driven the Hamadryad from the wood 38752To seek a shelter in some happier star? 38753Hast thou not torn the Naiad from her flood, 38754The Elfin from the green grass, and from me 38755The summer dream beneath the tamarind tree? 38756 -- Edgar Allen Poe, "Science, a Sonnet" 38757% 38758Scientists still know less about what attracts men 38759than they do about what attracts mosquitoes. 38760 -- Dr. Joyce Brothers, 38761 "What Every Woman Should Know About Men" 38762% 38763Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question. 38764They had worked for months gathering one each of every computer that 38765was built. Finally the big day was at hand. All the computers were 38766linked together. They asked the question, "Is there a God?". Lights 38767started blinking, flashing and blinking some more. Suddenly, there 38768was a loud crash, and a bolt of lightning came down from the sky, 38769struck the computers, and welded all the connections permanently 38770together. "There is now", came the reply. 38771% 38772Scintilate, scintilate, globule vivific, 38773Fain how I pause at your nature specific, 38774Loftily poised in the ether capacious, 38775Highly resembling a gem carbonaceous. 38776Scintilate, scintilate, globule vivific, 38777Fain how I pause at your nature specific. 38778% 38779Scintillation is not always identification for an auric substance. 38780% 38781SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21) 38782 You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve 38783 the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most 38784 Scorpio people are murdered. 38785% 38786SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21) 38787 Friends abound today, seeking repayment of past loans. Smile. Check 38788 for concealed weapons. Your natural cheerfulness makes others want 38789 to throw up. Knock it off. 38790% 38791SCORPIO (Oct.24 - Nov.21) 38792 You will receive word today that you are eligible to win a million 38793 dollars in prizes. It will be from a magazine trying to get you to 38794 subscribe, and you're just dumb enough to think you've got a chance 38795 to win. You never learn. 38796% 38797Scott's First Law: 38798 No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right. 38799 38800Scott's Second Law: 38801 When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found 38802 to have been wrong in the first place. 38803Corollary: 38804 After the correction has been found in error, it will be 38805 impossible to fit the original quantity back into the 38806 equation. 38807% 38808Scotty: Captain, we din' can reference it! 38809Kirk: Analysis, Mr. Spock? 38810Spock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table. 38811Kirk: Then it's of external origin? 38812Spock: Affirmative. 38813Kirk: Mr. Sulu, go to pass two. 38814Sulu: Aye aye, sir, going to pass two. 38815% 38816Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug 38817Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug 38818And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. 38819Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all, 38820Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall 38821And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. 38822And we've also found Just flip one switch 38823When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch 38824You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble 38825Oh, it's so much fun, in a flash. 38826Now the CPU won't run When the CPU 38827And the system is going to crash. Can print nothing out but "foo," 38828 The system is going to crash. 38829 -- To The Caissons Go Rolling Along 38830% 38831Scratch the disks! 38832Drop the core! 38833Roll the tapes across the floor! 38834% 38835Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else. 38836% 38837SCRIBLINE: 38838 The blank area on the back of credit cards where one's signature goes. 38839 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 38840% 38841'Scuse me, while I kiss the sky! 38842 -- Robert James Marshall (Jimi) Hendrix 38843% 38844Sears has everything. 38845% 38846Seattle is so wet that people protect their property with watch-ducks. 38847% 38848Second Law of Business Meetings: 38849 If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you 38850 will pick the wrong one. 38851 38852Corollary: 38853 If there is only one way to spell a name, 38854 you will spell it wrong, anyway. 38855% 38856Second Law of Final Exams: 38857 In your toughest final -- for the first time all year -- the most 38858 distractingly attractive student in the class will sit next to you. 38859% 38860Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny. 38861% 38862Secretary's Revenge: 38863 Filing almost everything under "the". 38864% 38865Security check: INTRUDER ALERT! 38866% 38867Sed quis custodiet ipsos Custodes? 38868[Who guards the Guardians?] 38869% 38870Seduced, shaggy Samson snored. 38871She scissored short. Sorely shorn, 38872Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed, 38873Silently scheming, 38874Sightlessly seeking 38875Some savage, spectacular suicide. 38876 -- Stanislaw Lem 38877% 38878See, these two penguins walked into a bar, which was really stupid, 'cause 38879the second one should have seen it. 38880% 38881Seeing a commotion in Harvard Square, a man strolled over and asked what 38882was going on. One of the onlookers explained to him that there was a Mooney 38883who had immersed himself in gasoline and was threatening to set fire to 38884himself to demonstrate his committment to the Rev. Moon. The man gasped and 38885asked what was being done to defuse the obviously dangerous situation. 38886 "Well", replied the onlooker, "we're taking up a collection -- so 38887far I've got two Bics, four Zippos and eighteen books of matches." 38888% 38889Seeing is believing. 38890You wouldn't have seen it if you hadn't believed it. 38891% 38892Seeing is deceiving. It's eating that's believing. 38893 -- James Thurber 38894% 38895Seeing that death, a necessary end, 38896Will come when it will come. 38897 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 38898% 38899Seek simplicity -- and distrust it. 38900 -- Alfred North Whitehead 38901% 38902Seems a computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer were 38903driving down a mountain when the brakes gave out. They screamed down the 38904mountain, gaining speed, but finally managed to grind to a halt, more by 38905luck than anything else, just inches from a thousand foot drop to jagged 38906rocks. They all got out of the car: 38907 The computer engineer said, "I think I can fix it." 38908 The systems analyst said, "No, no, I think we should take it 38909into town and have a specialist look at it." 38910 The programmer said, "OK, but first I think we should get back 38911in and see if it does it again." 38912% 38913Seems like this duck waddles into a pharmacy, waddles up to the prescription 38914counter and rings the bell. The pharmacist walks up and asks, "Can I help 38915you?". 38916 The duck replies, "Yes, I'd like a box of condoms, please." 38917 "Certainly", says the pharmacist, "will that be cash or would 38918you like me to put it on your bill?" 38919 Snarls the duck, "Just what kind of duck do you think I am?" 38920% 38921Seems like this farmer purchased an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans 38922to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, 38923the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around. 38924During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's 38925work, praying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your 38926dreams!" 38927 A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. 38928Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place -- the farm house is 38929completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and 38930other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields 38931are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says. 38932"Look what God and you have accomplished together!" 38933 "Yes, reverend," replies the farmer, "but remember what the farm was 38934like when God was working it alone!" 38935% 38936Seems like this guy wanders into a rural outfitting store in Alaska, 38937and starts talking to a rather grizzled old man sitting by the cash 38938register. 38939 "Hear ya got a lotta' bears 'round here?" 38940 "Yeah, you could say that," answers the old man. 38941 "GRIZZLIES?!?!" 38942 "A few." 38943 "Got any bear bells?" 38944 "What's that?" 38945 "You know, them little dingle-bells ya put on yer backpack so 38946bears know yer there so's they can run away ... I'll take one fer black 38947bears, and one fer them grizzlies. Say, how do you know yer in grizzly 38948country, anyhow?" 38949 "Look fer scatt. Grizzly scatt's different from black bear scatt." 38950 "Well now, what's IN grizzly scatt that's different?" 38951 "Bear bells." 38952% 38953Seems that a pollster was taking a worldwide opinion poll. 38954Her question was, "Excuse me; what's your opinion on the meat shortage?" 38955 38956In Texas, the answer was "What's a shortage?" 38957In Poland, the answer was "What's meat?" 38958In the Soviet Union, the answer was "What's an opinion?" 38959In New York City, the answer was "What's excuse me?" 38960% 38961Seems this fellow was suffering from terrific headaches, and went to his 38962doctor about it. The physician made a number of tests, and informed the man 38963that the only thing for his headaches was castration. After a few more 38964months, the headaches became so intense that the man agreed to the operation. 38965Naturally enough, the ruination of his sex life depressed him tremendously, 38966and he decided to purchase a new wardrobe to make himself feel better. 38967He enters a men's clothing store and a salesman wanders over, looks him 38968up and down, and says, "Well, let's start with shirts... 15 neck, 34 sleeve." 38969 The guy is amazed. "How'd you know?" 38970 "Well, I've been here nearly 30 years, and I can tell sizes within 38971a quarter inch on every piece of clothing." The salesman's claim is borne 38972out. Slacks, 34 waist, 32 inseam; jacket: 42 long. And so on and so forth. 38973When the man has been completely outfitted he decides that he'd better buy 38974some new underwear. 38975 The salesman looks at him and says, "Okay, that'll be a 34." 38976 "No, that's wrong," says the man. "I've always worn a 32." The 38977salesman insists, pointing out his accuracy so far. The man argues, agreeing 38978that while he's been right so far, he has always worn a 32 in shorts. 38979 Finally in exasperation, the salesman says, "Listen, I tell you, 38980you *have* to wear a 34. Otherwise, you'll get these *awful* headaches." 38981% 38982Seems this guy showed up at a party, and all of his friends jumped for 38983Joy. But she sidestepped, and they missed. 38984% 38985Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow! 38986 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 38987% 38988Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine: 38989 Ice Cream cures all ills. Temporarily. 38990% 38991semper en excretus 38992% 38993SEMPER UBI SUB UBI!!!! 38994% 38995Send some filthy mail. 38996% 38997Sendmail may be safely run set-user-id to root. 38998 -- Eric Allman, "Sendmail Installation Guide" 38999% 39000SENILITY: 39001 The state of mind of elderly persons 39002 with whom one happens to disagree. 39003% 39004Senor Castro has been accused of communist sympathies, but this means very 39005little since all opponents of the regime are automatically called communists. 39006In fact he is further to the right than General Batista. 39007 -- "Cuba's Rightist Rebel", The Economist, April 26, 1958 39008% 39009Sentient plasmoids are a gas. 39010% 39011Sentimentality -- that's what we call the sentiment we don't share. 39012 -- Graham Greene 39013% 39014SERENDIPITY: 39015 The process by which human knowledge is advanced. 39016% 39017Serfs up! 39018 -- Spartacus 39019% 39020Serocki's Stricture: 39021 Marriage is always a bachelor's last option. 39022% 39023Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence. 39024% 39025Set the cart before the horse. 39026 -- John Heywood 39027% 39028Several years ago, an international chess tournament was being held in a 39029swank hotel in New York. Most of the major stars of the chess world were 39030there, and after a grueling day of chess, the players and their entourages 39031retired to the lobby of the hotel for a little refreshment. In the lobby, 39032some players got into a heated argument about who was the brightest, the 39033fastest, and the best chess player in the world. The argument got quite 39034loud, as various players claimed that honor. At that point, a security 39035guard in the lobby turned to another guard and commented, "If there's 39036anything I just can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." 39037% 39038Sex and drugs and rock and roll, 39039Is all my brain and body need. 39040Sex and drugs and rock and roll, 39041Are very good indeed. 39042 39043Take your silly ways, 39044Throw them out the window, 39045The wisdom of your ways, 39046I've been there and I know, 39047Lots of other ways... 39048 -- Ian Drury, "New Boots and Panties" 39049% 39050Sex discriminates against the shy and ugly. 39051% 39052Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it. 39053 -- Lewis Grizzard 39054% 39055Sex is about as important as a cheese sandwich. But a cheese sandwich, 39056if you ain't got one to put in your belly, is extremely important. 39057 -- Ian Dury 39058% 39059Sex is an emotion in motion. 39060 -- Mae West 39061% 39062"Sex is as honest a product benefit for fragrance [perfume] as taste is 39063for diet Coke." 39064 -- Malcolm DacDougall 39065% 39066Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn. 39067 -- Garrison Keillor 39068% 39069Sex is like pizza -- when it's good, it's great; and when it's bad, 39070it's still darn tasty! 39071% 39072Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation... The other eight are 39073unimportant. 39074 -- Henry Miller 39075% 39076Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated. 39077 -- M.C. Reed 39078% 39079Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the 39080most amount of trouble. 39081 -- John Barrymore 39082% 39083Sex without class consciousness cannot give satisfaction, even if it is 39084repeated until infinity. 39085 -- Aldo Brandirali (Secretary of the Italian Marxist-Leninist 39086 Party), in a manual of the party's official sex guidelines, 39087 1973. 39088% 39089Sex without love is an empty experience, but, 39090as empty experiences go, it's one of the best. 39091 -- Woody Allen 39092% 39093Sexual enlightenment is justified insofar as girls cannot learn too soon 39094how children do not come into the world. 39095 -- Karl Kraus 39096% 39097Shah, shah! Ayatulla you so! 39098% 39099Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight: 39100always to try to be a little kinder than is necessary? 39101 -- J.M. Barrie 39102% 39103Shame is an improper emotion invented by 39104pietists to oppress the human race. 39105 -- Robert Preston, Toddy, "Victor/Victoria" 39106% 39107Shannon's Observation 39108 Nothing is so frustrating as a bad situation 39109 that is beginning to improve. 39110% 39111share, n: 39112 To give in, endure humiliation. 39113% 39114Shaw's Principle: 39115 Build a system that even a fool can use, 39116 and only a fool will want to use it. 39117% 39118She always believed in the old adage -- leave them while you're looking 39119good. 39120 -- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes" 39121% 39122She applies her lipstick in spite of its contents: "greasy rouge, 39123containing crushed and dried insect corpses for coloring, beeswax 39124for stiffness, and olive oil to help it flow - the latter having 39125the unfortunate tendency to go rancid several hours after use. 39126 39127In 1924 the New York Board of Health considered banning lipstick, 39128not because it was hazardous to the wearers but because of "the 39129worry that it might poison the men who kissed the women who wore it." 39130 -- David Bodanis, "The Secret House" 39131% 39132She asked me, "What's your sign?" 39133I blinked and answered "Neon," 39134I thought I'd blow her mind... 39135% 39136She been married so many times 39137she got rice marks all over her face. 39138 -- Tom Waits 39139% 39140She blinded me with science! 39141% 39142She can kill all your files; 39143She can freeze with a frown. 39144And a wave of her hand brings the whole system down. 39145And she works on her code until ten after three. 39146She lives like a bat but she's always a hacker to me. 39147 -- Apologies to Billy Joel 39148% 39149She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook. 39150 -- Tommy Manville 39151% 39152She has an alarm clock and a phone that don't ring - they applaud. 39153% 39154She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to. 39155 -- Gypsy Rose Lee 39156% 39157She just came in, pounced around this thing with me for a few 39158years, enjoyed herself, gave it a sort of beautiful quality and 39159left. Excited a few men in the meantime. 39160 -- Patrick Macnee, reminiscing on Diana Rigg's 39161 involvement in "The Avengers". 39162% 39163She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him 39164a look that you could have poured on a waffle. 39165% 39166She often gave herself very good advice 39167(though she very seldom followed it). 39168 -- Lewis Carroll 39169% 39170She ran the gamut of emotions from 'A' to 'B'. 39171 -- Dorothy Parker, on a Kate Hepburn performance 39172% 39173She say, Miss Colie, You better hush. God might hear you. 39174Let 'im hear me, I say. If he ever listened to poor colored 39175women the world would be a different place, I can tell you. 39176 -- Alice Walker, "The Color Purple" 39177% 39178She sells cshs by the cshore. 39179% 39180She stood on the tracks 39181Waving her arms 39182Leading me to that third rail shock 39183Quick as a wink 39184She changed her mind 39185 39186She gave me a night 39187That's all it was 39188What will it take until I stop 39189Kidding myself 39190Wasting my time 39191 39192There's nothing else I can do 39193'Cause I'm doing it all for Leyna 39194I don't want anyone new 39195'Cause I'm living it all for Leyna 39196There's nothing in it for you 39197'Cause I'm giving it all to Leyna 39198 -- Billy Joel, "All for Leyna" (Glass Houses) 39199% 39200She was bred in ol' Kentucky 39201But she's just a crumb up here 39202She was knock-knee'd and double-jointed 39203With a cauliflower ear 39204Someday we will be married 39205And if vegetables become too dear 39206I'll just cut me a slice of 39207Her cauliflower ear! 39208 -- Curly Howard, "The Three Stooges" 39209% 39210She was good at playing abstract confusion in the same way a midget is 39211good at being short. 39212 -- Clive James, on Marilyn Monroe 39213% 39214She was only a moonshiner's daughter, but I love her still. 39215% 39216She was only a mortician's daughter but anyone cadaver. 39217% 39218She won' go Warp 7, Cap'n! The batteries are dead! 39219% 39220Shedenhelm's Law: 39221 All trails have more uphill sections 39222 than they have downhill sections. 39223% 39224"Shelter", what a nice name for for a place where you polish your cat. 39225% 39226Sheriff Chameleotoptor sighed with an air of weary sadness, and then 39227turned to Doppelgutt and said 'The Senator must really have been on a 39228bender this time -- he left a party in Cleveland, Ohio, at 11:30 last 39229night, and they found his car this morning in the smokestack of a British 39230aircraft carrier in the Formosa Straits.' 39231 -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton 39232 bad fiction contest. 39233% 39234Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have taken 39235him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an excess of 39236stupidity, sir, is not in Nature. 39237 -- Samuel Johnson 39238% 39239Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have taken 39240him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an excess 39241of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature. 39242 -- Samuel Johnson 39243% 39244She's learned to say things with her eyes 39245that others waste time putting into words. 39246% 39247She's so tough she won't take 'yes' for an answer. 39248% 39249She's such a kinky girl, 39250The kind you don't take home to mother. 39251She will never let your spirits down 39252Once you get her off the street. 39253% 39254She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong. 39255 -- Mae West 39256% 39257Shhh... be vewy, vewy, quiet! I'm hunting wabbits... 39258% 39259Shick's Law: 39260 There is no problem a good miracle can't solve. 39261% 39262Shift to the left, 39263Shift to the right, 39264Mask in, mask out, 39265BYTE, BYTE, BYTE !!! 39266% 39267SHIFT TO THE LEFT! 39268SHIFT TO THE RIGHT! 39269POP UP, PUSH DOWN, 39270BYTE, BYTE, BYTE! 39271% 39272Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there. 39273% 39274Shirley MacLaine died today in a freak psychic collision today. Two freaks 39275in a van [Oh no!! It's the Copyright Police!!] Her aura-charred body was 39276laid to rest after a eulogy by Jackie Collins, fellow member of SAFE [Society 39277of Asinine Flake Entertainers]. Excerpted from some of his more quotable 39278comments: 39279 39280 "Truly a woman of the times. These times, those times..." 39281 "A Renaissance woman. Why in 1432..." 39282 "A man for all seasons. Really..." 39283 39284After the ceremony, Shirley thanked her mourners and explained how delightful 39285it was to "get it together" again, presumably referring to having her now dead 39286body join her long dead brain. 39287% 39288Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high, 39289they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee. 39290 -- Terry Southern 39291% 39292Short people get rained on last. 39293% 39294Show business is just like high school, except you get paid. 39295 -- Martin Mull 39296% 39297Show me a good loser in professional sports and I'll show you an idiot. 39298Show me a good sportsman and I'll show you a player I'm looking to trade. 39299 -- Leo Durocher 39300% 39301Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll 39302show you a man who playing golf with his boss. 39303% 39304Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change. 39305% 39306Show your affection, which will probably meet with pleasant response. 39307% 39308Showing up is 80% of life. 39309 -- Woody Allen 39310% 39311Si Dieu n'existait pas, il faudrait l'inventer. 39312 -- Voltaire 39313% 39314Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait. 39315[If youth but knew, if old age but could.] 39316 -- Henri Estienne 39317% 39318Sic transit gloria Monday! 39319% 39320Sic transit gloria mundi. 39321[So passes away the glory of this world.] 39322 -- Thomas a Kempis 39323% 39324Sic Transit Gloria Thursdi. 39325% 39326Sight is a faculty; seeing is an art. 39327% 39328Sigmund's wife wore Freudian slips. 39329% 39330Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help. 39331 -- The Brown University Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet 39332% 39333Silence can be the biggest lie of all. We have a responsibility to speak 39334up; and whenever the occasion calls for it, we have a responsibility to 39335raise bloody hell. 39336 -- Herbert Block 39337% 39338Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves. 39339 -- Thomas Carlyle 39340% 39341Silence is the only virtue you have left. 39342% 39343sillema sillema nika su 39344[translation: look it up...hint-fin] 39345% 39346Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life. 39347% 39348Silly Sally was baby sitting. But Silly Sally was getting bored. Thinking 39349a walk would help, she put the baby in his carriage. Silly Sally pushed the 39350carriage and pushed the carriage up this hill and down that one. She pushed 39351the carriage up the highest hill in town, and ALL OF A SUDDEN! It slipped out 39352of her hands (OH! NO!) and it was headed at high speed for the busiest 39353intersection in town. BUT! 39354 39355Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d........... 39356BECAUSE! SHE KNEW THERE WAS A STOP SIGN AT THE BOTTOM OF THE HILL! 39357 39358Silly Sally was playing in the garage. And she was being disobedient. 39359She was playing with matches... AND... She burned down the garage. 39360(OHHHHHH) Silly Sally's mother said, "Silly Sally! You have been naughty! 39361And when your father gets home, you are going to get a good licking!" BUT! 39362 39363Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d........... 39364BECAUSE! SHE KNEW HER FATHER WAS IN THE GARAGE WHEN SHE BURNED IT DOWN! 39365% 39366Silverman's Law: 39367 If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will. 39368% 39369Simon's Law: 39370 Everything put together falls apart sooner or later. 39371% 39372Simplicity does not precede complexity, but follows it. 39373% 39374Simulations are like miniskirts, they show a lot and hide the essentials. 39375 -- Hubert Kirrman 39376% 39377Sin boldly. 39378 -- Martin Luther 39379% 39380Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all. 39381% 39382Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily. 39383All other "sins" are invented nonsense. 39384(Hurting yourself is not sinful -- just stupid). 39385 -- Lazarus Long 39386% 39387Since a politician never believes what he says, he is surprised 39388when others believe him. 39389 -- Charles DeGaulle 39390% 39391Since aerosols are forbidden, the police are using roll-on Mace! 39392% 39393Since before the Earth was formed and before the sun burned hot in space, 39394cosmic forces of inexorable power have been working relentlessly toward 39395this moment in space-time -- your receiving this fortune. 39396% 39397Since everything in life is but an experience perfect in being what it is, 39398having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well 39399burst out in laughter. 39400 -- Long Chen Pa 39401% 39402Since I hurt my pendulum 39403My life is all erratic. 39404My parrot who was cordial 39405Is now transmitting static. 39406The carpet died, a palm collapsed, 39407The cat keeps doing poo. 39408The only thing that keeps me sane 39409Is talking to my shoe. 39410 -- My Shoe 39411% 39412Since we cannot hope for order, let us withdraw with style from the chaos. 39413 -- Tom Stoppard 39414% 39415Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're 39416alive. 39417 -- John Sloan 39418% 39419Sink or Swim with Teddy! 39420% 39421Sinners can repent, but stupid is forever. 39422% 39423Sir, it's very possible this asteroid is not stable. 39424 -- CP30 39425% 39426[Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues 39427I dislike and none of the vices I admire. 39428 -- Winston Churchill 39429% 39430Six days after the Creation, Adam was still alone in the Garden of 39431Eden, and getting pretty desperate. "God!" he cried, "rescue me from 39432loneliness and despair! Send some company for Your sake!" 39433 39434God replied "OK, I have just the thing. Keep you warm and relaxed all 39435the days of your life. Never complains. Looks up to you in every way. 39436It'll cost you though". 39437 39438"Sounds ideal" said Adam. "The society of the beasts of the field and 39439the birds of the air palls after a while. What's the price?" 39440 39441"An arm and a leg", said God. 39442 39443Adam thought about it for a bit and finally sighed. "So, what can I get 39444for a rib?" 39445% 39446Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful 39447objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill 39448gives us modern art. 39449 -- Tom Stoppard 39450% 39451Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor): 39452 That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to, 39453 or subtracted from the answer you got, gives you the answer you 39454 should have gotten. 39455% 39456skldfjkljklsR%^&(IXDRTYju187pkasdjbasdfbuil 39457h;asvgy8p 23r1vyui135 2 39458kmxsij90TYDFS$$b jkzxdjkl bjnk ;j nk;<[][;-==-<<<<<';[, 39459 [hjioasdvbnuio;buip^&(FTSD$%*VYUI:buio;sdf}[asdf'] 39460 sdoihjfh(_YU*G&F^*CTY98y 39461 39462 39463Now look what you've gone and done! You've broken it! 39464% 39465Slang is language that takes off its coat, 39466spits on its hands, and goes to work. 39467% 39468Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not, when 39469a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and apparently incoherent 39470songs. I was myself within the circle, so that I neither saw nor heard as 39471those without might see and hear. They told a tale which was then altogether 39472beyond my feeble comprehension: they were tones, loud, long and deep, 39473breathing the prayer and complaint of souls boiling over with the bitterest 39474anguish. Every tone was a testimony against slavery, and a prayer to God 39475for deliverance from chains. 39476 -- Frederick Douglass 39477% 39478Sleep -- the most beautiful experience in life -- except drink. 39479 -- W.C. Fields 39480% 39481Sleep is for the weak and sickly. 39482% 39483Slick's Three Laws of the Universe: 39484 1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. 39485 2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat. 39486 3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is 39487 attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is 39488 attracted to dark objects. 39489% 39490Slous' Contention: 39491 If you do a job too well, you'll get stuck with it. 39492% 39493Slow day. 39494Practice crawling. 39495% 39496SLURM: 39497 The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when it 39498 sits in the dish too long. 39499 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 39500% 39501Small change can often be found under seat cushions. 39502% 39503Small is beautiful. 39504 -- Schumacher's Dictum 39505% 39506Small things make base men proud. 39507 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 39508% 39509Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my 39510teacher was in my class for five years. 39511 -- George Burns 39512% 39513Smear the road with a runner!! 39514% 39515Smile! You're on Candid Camera. 39516% 39517Smile, Cthulu Loathes You. 39518% 39519Smoking is, as far as I'm concerned, the entire point of being an adult. 39520 -- Fran Lebowitz 39521% 39522SMOKING IS NOW ALLOWED !!! 39523 Anyone wishing to smoke, however, must file, in triplicate, the 39524 U.S. government Environmental Impact Narrative Statement (EINS), 39525 describing in detail the type of combustion proposed, impact on 39526 the environment, and anticipated opposition. Statements must be 39527 filed 30 days in advance. 39528% 39529Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. 39530 -- Fletcher Knebel 39531% 39532Smoking Prohibited. Absolutely no ifs, ands, or butts. 39533% 39534Smuggling... It's not just a job, it's an adventure! 39535 -- paid for by your local Colombian recruiting office 39536% 39537SNACKTREK: 39538 The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly 39539 returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will 39540 have materialized. 39541 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 39542% 39543Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes? 39544% 39545SNAPPY REPARTEE: 39546 What you'd say if you had another chance. 39547% 39548Snoopy: No problem is so big that it can't be run away from. 39549% 39550Snow and adolescence are the only problems 39551that disappear if you ignore them long enough. 39552% 39553Snow Day -- stay home. 39554% 39555Snow White has become a camera buff. She spends hours and hours 39556shooting pictures of the seven dwarfs and their antics. Then she 39557mails the exposed film to a cut rate photo service. It takes weeks 39558for the developed film to arrive in the mail, but that is all right 39559with Snow White. She clears the table, washes the dishes and sweeps 39560the floor, all the while singing "Someday my prints will come." 39561% 39562So... did you ever wonder, do garbagemen take showers before they 39563go to work? 39564% 39565So do the noble fall. For they are ever caught in a trap of their own making. 39566A trap -- walled by duty, and locked by reality. Against the greater force 39567they must fall -- for, against that force they fight because of duty, because 39568of obligations. And when the noble fall, the base remain. The base -- whose 39569only purpose is the corruption of what the noble did protect. Whose only 39570purpose is to destroy. The noble: who, even when fallen, retain a vestige of 39571strength. For theirs is a strength born of things other than mere force. 39572Theirs is a strength supreme... theirs is the strength -- to restore. 39573 -- Gerry Conway, "Thor", #193 39574% 39575So far as I can remember, there is not one 39576word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence. 39577 -- Bertrand Russell 39578% 39579So far as we are human, what we do must be either evil or good: so far 39580as we do evil or good, we are human: and it is better, in a paradoxical 39581way, to do evil than to do nothing: at least we exist. 39582 -- T.S. Eliot, essay on Baudelaire 39583% 39584So from the depths of its enchantment, Terra was able to calculate a course 39585of action. Here at last was an opportunity to consort with Dirbanu on a 39586friendly basis -- great Durbanu which, since it had force fields which Earth 39587could not duplicate, must of necessity have many other things Earth could 39588use; mighty Durbanu before whom we would kneel in supplication (with purely- 39589for-defense bombs hidden in our pockets) with lowered heads (making invisible 39590the knife in our teeth) and ask for crumbs from their table (in order to 39591extrapolate the location of their kitchens). 39592 -- T. Sturgeon, "The World Well Lost" 39593% 39594So... how come the Corinthians never wrote back? 39595% 39596So, if there's no God, who changes the water? 39597 -- New Yorker cartoon of two goldfish in a bowl 39598% 39599So I'm ugly. So what? I never saw anyone hit with his face. 39600 -- Yogi Berra 39601% 39602So, is the glass half empty, half full, or just twice as 39603large as it needs to be? 39604% 39605So little time, so little to do. 39606 -- Oscar Levant 39607% 39608So live that you wouldn't be ashamed 39609to sell the family parrot to the town gossip. 39610% 39611So many beautiful women and so little time. 39612 -- John Barrymore 39613% 39614So many men and so little time. 39615% 39616So many men, so many opinions; every one his own way. 39617 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) 39618% 39619So many women, and so little time! 39620% 39621So many women, so little nerve. 39622% 39623So much food, and so little time! 39624% 39625So much 39626depends 39627upon 39628a red 39629 39630wheel 39631barrow 39632glazed with 39633 39634rain 39635water 39636beside 39637the white 39638chickens. 39639 -- William Carlos Williams, "The Red Wheel Barrow" 39640% 39641So now 39642that you have- 39643 39644you know, whoever 39645 39646you're trying 39647to do 39648 39649a favor 39650for 39651 39652-you've done it- 39653 39654and I'm sure 39655you had 39656 39657a smirk 39658on your mouth 39659 39660as you got me 39661into this. 39662 -- "To Linda", from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot, 39663 composed for Linda Wertheimer of National Public Radio. 39664 From SPY Magazine, November 1992 39665% 39666So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie; and 39667at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head into 39668the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very imprudently married 39669the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand Panjandrum 39670himself, with the little round button at top, and they all fell to playing 39671the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran out at the heels of 39672their boots. 39673 -- Samuel Foote 39674% 39675So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie; 39676and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head 39677into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very imprudently 39678married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand 39679Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top, and they all 39680fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran 39681out at the heels of their boots. 39682 -- Samuel Foote 39683% 39684So so is good, very good, very excellent good: 39685and yet it is not; it is but so so. 39686 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It" 39687% 39688So... so you think you can tell 39689Heaven from Hell? 39690Blue skies from pain? Did they get you to trade 39691Can you tell a green field Your heroes for ghosts? 39692From a cold steel rail? Hot ashes for trees? 39693A smile from a veil? Hot air for a cool breeze? 39694Do you think you can tell? Cold comfort for change? 39695 Did you exchange 39696 A walk on part in a war 39697 For the lead role in a cage? 39698 -- Pink Floyd, "Wish You Were Here" 39699% 39700So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their procedure is 39701to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as to infest the 39702waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of sharks today is 39703bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making documentaries. Once the 39704sharks arrive, they are generally fairly listless. The general shark attitude 39705seems to be: "Oh God, another documentary." So the divers have to somehow 39706goad them into attacking, under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know 39707very little about the effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will 39708say, in a deeply scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this 39709Great White in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind 39710of thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and 39711then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very dangerous 39712development, although clearly it is what they wanted all along. 39713 -- Dave Barry 39714% 39715So this it it. We're going to die. 39716% 39717So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway? 39718And why can't he ever remember his Bible? 39719% 39720So, you better watch out! 39721You better not cry! 39722You better not pout! 39723I'm telling you why, 39724Santa Claus is coming, to town. 39725 39726He knows when you've been sleeping, 39727He know when you're awake. 39728He knows if you've been bad or good, 39729He has ties with the CIA. 39730So... 39731% 39732"So you don't have to, Cindy, but I was wondering if you might 39733 want to go to someplace, you know, with me, sometime." 39734"Well, I can think of a lot of worse things, David." 39735"Friday, then?" 39736"Why not, David, it might even be fun." 39737 -- Dating in Minnesota 39738% 39739So you see Antonio, why worry about one little core dump, eh? In reality all 39740core dumps happen at the same instant, so the core dump you will have tomorrow, 39741why, it already happened. You see, its just a little universal recursive joke 39742which threads our lives through the infinite potential of the instant. So go 39743to sleep, Antonio, your thread could break any moment and cast you out of the 39744safe security of the instant into the dark void of eternity, the anti-time. 39745So go to sleep, ... 39746% 39747So you see Antonio, why worry about one little core dump, eh? In reality 39748all core dumps happen at the same instant, so the core dump you will have 39749tomorrow, why, it already happened. You see, it's just a little universal 39750recursive joke which threads our lives through the infinite potential of 39751the instant. So go to sleep, Antonio, your thread could break any moment 39752and cast you out of the safe security of the instant into the dark void of 39753eternity, the anti-time. So go to sleep... 39754% 39755So you think that money is the root of all evil. 39756Have you ever asked what is the root of money? 39757 -- Ayn Rand 39758% 39759So you're back... about time... 39760% 39761Soap and education are not as sudden as a 39762massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run. 39763 -- Mark Twain 39764% 39765SOCIALISM: 39766 You have two cows. Give one to your neighbour. 39767COMMUNISM: 39768 You have two cows. 39769 Give both to the government. The government gives you milk. 39770CAPITALISM: 39771 You sell one cow and buy a bull. 39772FACISM: 39773 You have two cows. Give milk to the government. 39774 The government sells it. 39775NAZISM: 39776 The government shoots you and takes the cows. 39777NEW DEALISM: 39778 The government shoots one cow, 39779 milks the other, and pours the milk down the sink. 39780ANARCHISM: 39781 Keep the cows. Steal another one. Shoot the government. 39782CONSERVATISM: 39783 Freeze the milk. Embalm the cows. 39784% 39785Software production is assumed to be a line function, but it is run 39786like a staff function." 39787 -- Paul Licker 39788% 39789Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more 39790"user-friendly". ... Their best approach, so far, has been to take all 39791the old brochures, and stamp the words, "user-friendly" on the cover. 39792 -- Bill Gates, Microsoft, Inc. 39793% 39794Soldiers who wish to be a hero 39795Are practically zero, 39796But those who wish to be civilians, 39797They run into the millions. 39798% 39799Solipsists of the World... you are already united. 39800 -- Kayvan Sylvan 39801% 39802Solutions are obvious if one only has the 39803optical power to observe them over the horizon. 39804 -- K.A. Arsdall 39805% 39806Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed, 39807and some few to be chewed and digested. 39808 -- Francis Bacon 39809 [As anyone who has ever owned a puppy already knows. Ed.] 39810% 39811Some changes are so slow, you don't notice them. 39812Others are so fast, they don't notice you. 39813% 39814Some circumstantial evidence is very strong, 39815as when you find a trout in the milk. 39816 -- Thoreau 39817% 39818Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke. 39819% 39820Some marriages are made in heaven -- but so are thunder and lightning. 39821% 39822Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them. 39823 -- Ed Howe 39824% 39825Some men are all right in their place -- if they only the knew the right 39826places! 39827 -- Mae West 39828% 39829Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, 39830and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them. 39831 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" 39832% 39833Some men are discovered; others are found out. 39834% 39835Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think 39836about sex at all... they become lawyers. 39837 -- Woody Allen 39838% 39839Some men are so interested in their wives continued happiness 39840that they hire detectives to find out the reason for it. 39841% 39842Some men are so macho they'll get you pregnant just to kill a rabbit. 39843 -- Maureen Murphy 39844% 39845Some men feel that the only thing they owe 39846the woman who marries them is a grudge. 39847 -- Helen Rowland 39848% 39849Some men love truth so much that they seem to be in continual fear 39850lest she should catch a cold on overexposure. 39851 -- Samuel Butler 39852% 39853Some men rob you with a six-gun -- others with a fountain pen. 39854 -- Woodie Guthrie 39855% 39856Some men who fear that they are playing 39857second fiddle aren't in the band at all. 39858% 39859Some of my readers ask me what a "Serial Port" is. 39860The answer is: I don't know. 39861Is it some kind of wine you have with breakfast? 39862% 39863Some of the most interesting documents from Sweden's middle ages are the 39864old county laws (well, we never had counties but it's the nearest equivalent 39865I can find for "landskap"). These laws were written down sometime in the 3986613th century, but date back even down into Viking times. The oldest one is 39867the Vastgota law which clearly has pagan influences, thinly covered with some 39868Christian stuff. In this law, we find a page about "lekare", which is the 39869Old Norse word for a performing artist, actor/jester/musician etc. Here is 39870an approximate translation, where I have written "artist" as equivalent of 39871"lekare". 39872 "If an artist is beaten, none shall pay fines for it. If an artist 39873 is wounded, one such who goes with hurdie-gurdie or travels with 39874 fiddle or drum, then the people shall take a wild heifer and bring 39875 it out on the hillside. Then they shall shave off all hair from the 39876 heifer's tail, and grease the tail. Then the artist shall be given 39877 newly greased shoes. Then he shall take hold of the heifer's tail, 39878 and a man shall strike it with a sharp whip. If he can hold her, he 39879 shall have the animal. If he cannot hold her, he shall endure what 39880 he received, shame and wounds." 39881% 39882Some of the things that live the longest 39883in peoples' memories never really happened. 39884% 39885Some of them want to use you, 39886Some of them want to be used by you, 39887...Everybody's looking for something. 39888 -- Eurythmics 39889% 39890Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. 39891 -- Gloria Steinem 39892% 39893Some parts of the past must be preserved, 39894and some of the future prevented at all costs. 39895% 39896Some people are afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths. 39897 -- Stephen Wright 39898% 39899Some people around here wouldn't recognize 39900subtlety if it hit them on the head. 39901% 39902Some people call them "cars" or "trucks"; I call them "dimensional 39903transmogrifiers" because they change three-dimensional cats into 39904two-dimensional ones. 39905 -- F. Frederick Skitty 39906% 39907Some people carve careers, others chisel them. 39908% 39909Some people cause happiness wherever 39910they go; others, whenever they go. 39911% 39912Some people claim that the UNIX learning curve is steep, 39913but at least you only have to climb it once. 39914% 39915Some people have a great ambition: to build something 39916that will last, at least until they've finished building it. 39917% 39918Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have 39919only one life to live, let me live it as a jerk." 39920% 39921Some people have no respect for age unless it's bottled. 39922% 39923Some people have parts that are so private 39924they themselves have no knowledge of them. 39925% 39926Some people live life in the fast lane. 39927You're in oncoming traffic. 39928% 39929Some people manage by the book, even though they 39930don't know who wrote the book or even what book. 39931% 39932Some people need a good imaginary cure 39933for their painful imaginary ailment. 39934% 39935Some people only open up to tell you that they're closed. 39936% 39937Some people pray for more than they are willing to work for. 39938% 39939Some people say a front-engine car handles best. Some people say a 39940rear-engine car handles best. I say a rented car handles best. 39941 -- P.J. O'Rourke 39942% 39943Some peoples mouths work faster than their brains. 39944They say things they haven't even thought of yet. 39945% 39946Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall. 39947% 39948Some say the world will end in fire, 39949Some say in ice. 39950From what I've tasted of desire 39951I hold with those who favor fire. 39952But if it had to perish twice 39953I think I know enough of hate 39954To say that for destruction, ice 39955Is also great 39956And would suffice 39957 -- Robert Frost, "Fire and Ice" 39958% 39959Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books. 39960 -- Folk saying 39961% 39962Some things have to be believed to be seen. 39963% 39964Somebody left the cork out of my lunch. 39965 -- W.C. Fields 39966% 39967Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers 39968so that the pens will multiply instead of disappear. 39969% 39970Somebody's moggy, by the side of the road, 39971Somebody's pussy, who forgot his highway code, 39972Somebody's favourite feline, who ran clean out of luck, 39973When he ran onto the road, and tried to argue with a truck. 39974 39975Yesterday he purred and played, in his pussy paradise, 39976Decapitating tweety birds, and masticating mice. 39977Now he's just six pounds of raw mince meat, 39978That don't smell very nice -- 39979He's nobody's moggy now. 39980 39981Oh you who love your pussy, 39982Be sure to keep him in. 39983Don't let him argue with a truck, If he tries to play 39984The truck is bound to win. On the road way 39985And upon the busy road, I'm afraid that will be that, 39986Don't let him play or frolic. There will be one last despairing 39987If you do, I'm warning you, "Meow!" 39988It could be cat-astrophic! And a sort of squelchy Splat! 39989 And your pussy will be slightly dead, 39990He's nobody's moggy -- And very, very flat! 39991Just red and squashed and soggy -- 39992He's nobody's moggy now. 39993 -- Eric Bogle, "Scraps of Paper" 39994% 39995Somebody's terminal is dropping bits. 39996I found a pile of them over in the corner. 39997% 39998Someday somebody has got to decide whether the 39999typewriter is the machine, or the person who operates it. 40000% 40001Someday, Weederman, we'll look back on all this and laugh... It will 40002probably be one of those deep, eerie ones that slowly builds to a 40003blood-curdling maniacal scream... but still it will be a laugh. 40004 -- Mister Boffo 40005% 40006Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car. 40007 -- Evan Davis 40008% 40009Someday you'll get your big chance -- or have you already had it? 40010% 40011Someday your prints will come. 40012 -- Kodak 40013% 40014Somehow I reached excess without ever noticing 40015when I was passing through satisfaction. 40016 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 40017% 40018Somehow, the world always affects you more than you affect it. 40019% 40020Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York 40021City. One is "Hey, taxi." Two is, "What train do I take to get to 40022Bloomingdale's?" And three is, "Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound." 40023 -- David Letterman 40024% 40025Someone is speaking well of you. 40026% 40027Someone is speaking well of you. 40028How unusual! 40029% 40030Someone is unenthusiastic about your work. 40031% 40032Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow. 40033% 40034Someone will try to honk your nose today. 40035% 40036Something better... 40037 40038 1 (obvious): Excuse me. Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face? 40039 2 (meteorological): Everybody take cover. She's going to blow. 40040 3 (fashionable): You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore 40041 something larger. Like ... Wyoming. 40042 4 (personal): Well, here we are. Just the three of us. 40043 5 (punctual): Alright gentlemen. Your nose was on time but you were fifteen 40044 minutes late. 40045 6 (envious): Oooo, I wish I were you. Gosh. To be able to smell your 40046 own ear. 40047 7 (naughty): Pardon me, Sir. Some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn't 40048 mind putting that thing away. 40049 8 (philosophical): You know. It's not the size of a nose that's important. 40050 It's what's in it that matters. 40051 9 (humorous): Laugh and the world laughs with you. Sneeze and its goodbye 40052 Seattle. 4005310 (commercial): Hi, I'm Earl Schibe and I can paint that nose for $39.95. 4005411 (polite): Ah. Would you mind not bobbing your head. The orchestra keeps 40055 changing tempo. 4005612 (melodic): Everybody! "He's got the whole world in his nose." 40057 -- Steve Martin, "Roxanne" 40058% 40059Something unpleasant is coming when men are anxious to tell the truth. 40060 -- Benjamin Disraeli 40061% 40062Something's rotten in the state of Denmark. 40063 -- Shakespeare 40064% 40065Sometime when you least expect it, Love will tap you on the shoulder... 40066and ask you to move out of the way because it still isn't your turn. 40067 -- N.V. Plyter 40068% 40069Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. 40070 -- Sigmund Freud 40071% 40072Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a 40073fool is despised only because he is a lawyer. 40074 -- Montesquieu 40075% 40076Sometimes, at the end of the day, when I'm 40077smiling and shaking their hands, I want to kick them. 40078 -- Richard M. Nixon 40079% 40080Sometimes even to live is an act of courage. 40081 -- Seneca 40082% 40083Sometimes I feel like I'm fading away, 40084Looking at me, I got nothin' to say. 40085Don't make me angry with the things games that you play, 40086Either light up or leave me alone. 40087% 40088Sometimes I get the feeling that I went to a party on Perry Lane in 1962, and 40089the party spilled out of the house, and came down the street, and covered the 40090world. 40091 -- Robert Stone 40092% 40093Sometimes I live in the country, 40094And sometimes I live in town. 40095And sometimes I have a great notion, 40096To jump in the river and drown. 40097% 40098Sometimes I simply feel that the whole 40099world is a cigarette and I'm the only ashtray. 40100% 40101Sometimes I wonder if I'm in my right mind. 40102Then it passes off and I'm as intelligent as ever. 40103 -- Samuel Beckett, "Endgame" 40104% 40105Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world. 40106 -- Lily Tomlin 40107% 40108Sometimes it happens. People just explode. Natural causes. 40109 -- Repo Man 40110% 40111Sometimes love ain't nothing but a misunderstanding between two fools. 40112% 40113SOMETIMES THE BEAUTY OF THE WORLD is so overwhelming, I just want to throw 40114back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle and I don't care who hears 40115me because I am beautiful. 40116 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 40117% 40118Sometimes the best medicine is to stop taking something. 40119% 40120Sometimes the light is all shining on me, 40121Other times I can hardly see. 40122Lately it occurs to me 40123What a long strange trip it's been. 40124 -- The Grateful Dead, "American Beauty" 40125% 40126Sometimes, too long is too long. 40127 -- Joe Crowe 40128% 40129Sometimes when I get up in the morning, I feel very peculiar. I feel 40130like I've just got to bite a cat! I feel like if I don't bite a cat 40131before sundown, I'll go crazy! But then I just take a deep breath and 40132forget about it. That's what is known as real maturity. 40133 -- Snoopy 40134% 40135Sometimes, when I think of what that girl means 40136to me, it's all I can do to keep from telling her. 40137 -- Andy Capp 40138% 40139Sometimes when you look into his eyes you get the feeling that someone 40140else is driving. 40141 -- David Letterman 40142% 40143Sometimes you get an almost irresistible urge to go on living. 40144% 40145Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering. 40146% 40147Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a 40148woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. 40149 -- Sam Levenson 40150% 40151Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known. 40152 -- Carl Sagan 40153% 40154Son, someday a man is going to walk up to you with a deck of cards on which 40155the seal is not yet broken. And he is going to offer to bet you that he can 40156make the Ace of Spades jump out of the deck and squirt cider in your ears. 40157But son, do not bet this man, for you will end up with a ear full of cider. 40158 -- Sky Masterson's Father 40159% 40160Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. 40161(Those who have already paid may disregard this cookie). 40162% 40163Sorry. Nice try. 40164% 40165Sorry never means having you're say to love. 40166% 40167Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly 40168big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the 40169drug store, but that's just peanuts to space. 40170 -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy 40171% 40172Space is to place as eternity is to time. 40173 -- Joseph Joubert 40174% 40175Space tells matter how to move and matter tells space how to curve. 40176 -- Wheeler 40177% 40178Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. 40179Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds; to seek out new life 40180and new civilizations; to boldly go where no man has gone before. 40181 -- Captain James T. Kirk 40182% 40183SPAGMUMPS: 40184 Any of the millions of Styrofoam wads that accompany mail-order items. 40185 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 40186% 40187Speak roughly to your little boy, 40188 And beat him when he sneezes: 40189He only does it to annoy 40190 Because he knows it teases. 40191 40192 Wow! wow! wow! 40193 40194I speak severely to my boy, 40195 And beat him when he sneezes: 40196For he can thoroughly enjoy 40197 The pepper when he pleases! 40198 40199 Wow! wow! wow! 40200% 40201Speak roughly to your little Vax, 40202And boot it when it crashes; 40203It knows that one cannot relax 40204Because the paging thrashes! 40205 40206I speak severely to my Vax, 40207And boot it when it crashes; 40208In spite of all my favorite hacks, 40209My jobs it always trashes! 40210% 40211Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword. 40212% 40213"Speak, thou vast and venerable head," muttered Ahab, "which, though 40214ungarnished with a beard, yet here and there lookest hoary with mosses; speak, 40215mighty head, and tell us the secret thing that is in thee. Of all divers, 40216thou has dived the deepest. That head upon which the upper sun now gleams has 40217moved amid the world's foundations. Where unrecorded names and navies rust, 40218and untold hopes and anchors rot; where in her murderous hold this frigate 40219earth is ballasted with bones of millions of the drowned; there, in that awful 40220water-land, there was thy most familiar home. Thou hast been where bell or 40221diver never went; has slept by many a sailer's side, where sleepless mothers 40222would give their lives to lay them down. Thou saw'st the locked lovers when 40223leaping from their flaming ship; heart to heart they sank beneath the exulting 40224wave; true to each other, when heaven seemed false to them. Thou saw'st the 40225murdered mate when tossed by pirates from the midnight deck; for hours he fell 40226into the deeper midnight of the insatiate maw; and his murderers still sailed 40227on unharmed -- while swift lightnings shivered the neighboring ship that would 40228have borne a righteous husband to outstretched, longing arms. O head! thou has 40229seen enough to split the planets and make an infidel of Abraham, and not one 40230syllable is thine!" 40231 -- H. Melville, "Moby Dick" 40232% 40233Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am sure 40234that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging, cycle-grabbing, 40235all-encompassing monster. Allocate an array and free the middle third? 40236Sure! Why not? Multiply a character string times a bit string and assign the 40237result to a float decimal? Go ahead! Free a controlled variable procedure 40238parameter and reallocate it before passing it back? Overlay three different 40239types of variable on the same memory location? Anything you say! Write a 40240recursive macro? Well, no, but Real Men use rescan. How could a language 40241so obviously designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use? 40242% 40243Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently these 40244days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people to communicate 40245with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't communicate, children 40246who can't communicate with their parents, and so on. And the characters in 40247these books and plays and so on (and in real life, I might add) spend hours 40248bemoaning the fact that they can't communicate. I feel that if a person can't 40249communicate, the very least he can do is to shut up! 40250 -- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was" 40251% 40252Speaking of purchasing a dog, never buy a watchdog that's 40253on sale. After all, everyone knows a bargain dog never bites! 40254% 40255Special tonight, the best toot in town at prices you won't believe!! 40256Also, the finest dope, brought all the way from Columbia by spirited 40257young adventurers. All available tonight, as usual, in the graduate 40258students bullpen from 11: pm on, usual terms and conditions. 40259Faculty members especially welcome. 40260% 40261Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour unless the 40262motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a drink in 30 days, 40263when the driver will be permitted to make what he can. 40264 -- Proposed legislation, Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907 40265% 40266Spence's Admonition: 40267 Never stow away on a kamikaze plane. 40268% 40269Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers. 40270% 40271SPINSTER: 40272 A bachelor's wife. 40273% 40274SPIRTLE: 40275 The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands 40276 right in your eye. 40277 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 40278% 40279Spock: The odds of surviving another 40280attack are 13562190123 to 1, Captain. 40281% 40282Spock: We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain. 40283% 40284SPOUSE: 40285 Someone who'll stand by you through all the 40286 trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single. 40287% 40288Spring is here, spring is here, 40289Life is skittles and life is beer. 40290% 40291SQUATCHO: 40292 The button at the top of a baseball cap. 40293 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 40294% 40295Squirrels eating squirrels, my God, that's sick. 40296% 40297St. Patrick was a gentleman 40298who through strategy and stealth 40299drove all the snakes from Ireland. 40300Here's a toasting to his health -- 40301but not too many toastings 40302lest you lose yourself and then 40303forget the good St. Patrick 40304and see all those snakes again. 40305% 40306Stability itself is nothing else than a more sluggish motion. 40307% 40308Staff meeting in the conference room in 3 minutes. 40309% 40310Stalin was dying, and summoned Khruschev to his bedside. Wheezing his last 40311words with difficulty, Stalin tells Khruschev, "The reins of the country are 40312now in your hands. But before I go, I want to give you some advice." 40313 "Yes, yes, what is it?" says Khruschev, impatiently. Reaching under 40314his pillow, Stalin produced two envelopes labeled #1 and #2. 40315 "Take these letters," he tells Khruschev. "Keep them safely -- don't 40316open them. Only if the country is in turmoil and things aren't going well, 40317open the first one. That'll give you some advice on what to do. And, if 40318after that, if things start getting REALLY bad, open the second one." And 40319with a gasp Stalin breathed his last. 40320 Well, within a few years Khruschev started having problems -- 40321unemployment increased, crops failed, people became restless. He decided it 40322was time to open the first letter. All it said was: "Blame everything on me!" 40323So Khruschev launched a massive deStalinization campaign, and blamed Stalin 40324for all the excesses and purges and ills of the present system. 40325 But things continued on the downslide, and, finally, after much 40326deliberation, Khruschev opened the second letter. 40327 All it said was: "Write two letters." 40328% 40329Stamp out organized crime!! Abolish the IRS. 40330% 40331Stamp out philately. 40332% 40333STANDARDS: 40334 The principles we use to reject other people's code. 40335% 40336Standards are different for all things, so the standard set by man is by 40337no means the only 'certain' standard. If you mistake what is relative for 40338something certain, you have strayed far from the ultimate truth. 40339 -- Chuang Tzu 40340% 40341Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down. 40342% 40343Stanford women are responsible for the success of many Stanford men: 40344they give them "just one more reason" to stay in and study every night. 40345% 40346Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist drivel; 40347Star Trek can turn your brains to puree of bat guano; and the greatest 40348science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll take you all 40349on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up! 40350 -- Harlan Ellison 40351% 40352Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. 40353 -- W.C. Fields 40354% 40355Start the day with a smile. 40356After that you can be your nasty old self again. 40357% 40358State license plates we'd like to see: 40359 40360 NEVADA MASSACHUSETTS 40361 LVME 10DR OW-A CAH 40362LAND OF 10,00 ELVIS IMPERSONATORS THE GOOFY ACCENT STATE 40363 40364 HAWAII WISCONSIN 40365 L-O HA CHEDDAR 40366FRUITY UMBRELLA COCKTAIL WONDERLAND EAT CHEESE OR DIE 40367% 40368State license plates we'd like to see: 40369 40370 ALABAMA ARIZONA 40371 IC1 NOW 120 F 40372THE UFO SIGHTING STATE THE HEAT PROSTRATION STATE 40373 40374 CONNECTICUT MISSISSIPPI 40375 5:36 EXP 4I4S2PS 40376WHERE THE SMART NY WORK FORCE LIVES THE MOST OFTEN MISSPELLED STATE 40377 40378 TEXAS FLORIDA 40379 1-2-3 HIKE ZON KED 40380 PLAY FOOTBALL OR DIE AMERICA'S DRUG DEALER 40381% 40382State license plates we'd like to see: 40383 40384 MICHIGAN CALIFORNIA 40385 4-GET 74-77 EGO-MN-E-X 40386EMBARRASSED HOME STATE OF GERALD FORD THE SERIAL KILLER STATE 40387 40388 NORTH CAROLINA NEW JERSEY 40389 WL-GOLLY ARG GGH 40390HOME OF GOMER, GOOBER AND JESSE HELMS FIRST IN TOXIC WASTE 40391 40392 KANSAS WASHINGTON DC 40393 TOTO -2 $10000000 ETC 40394THE NOT MUCH SINCE THE WIZARD OF OZ WASTING YOUR MONEY SINCE 1810 40395 MOVIE STATE 40396% 40397STATISTICS: 40398 A system for expressing your political 40399 prejudices in convincing scientific guise. 40400% 40401Statistics are no substitute for judgement. 40402 -- Henry Clay 40403% 40404Statistics means never having to say you're certain. 40405% 40406Stay away from flying saucers today. 40407% 40408Stay away from hurricanes for a while. 40409% 40410Stay the curse. 40411% 40412Stay together, drag each other down. 40413% 40414Stayed in bed all morning just to pass the time, 40415There's something wrong here, there can be no more denying, 40416One of us is changing, or maybe we just stopped trying, 40417 40418And it's too late, baby, now, it's too late, 40419Though we really did try to make it, 40420Something inside has died and I can't hide and I just can't fake it... 40421 40422It used to be so easy living here with you, 40423You were light and breezy and I knew just what to do 40424Now you look so unhappy and I feel like a fool. 40425 40426There'll be good times again for me and you, 40427But we just can't stay together, don't you feel it too? 40428But I'm glad for what we had and that I once loved you... 40429 40430But it's too late baby... 40431It's too late, now darling, it's too late... 40432 -- Carol King, "Tapestry" 40433% 40434Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time. So 40435long as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental 40436hooks into, there is room for lateral movement. Once this begins, 40437its rate is a matter of discretion. 40438 -- Corwin, "Prince of Amber" 40439% 40440Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly. 40441% 40442Steckel's Rule to Success: 40443 Good enough is never good enough. 40444% 40445Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy: 40446 Everybody should believe in something -- 40447 I believe I'll have another drink. 40448% 40449Stellar rays prove fibbing never pays. 40450Embezzlement is another matter. 40451% 40452Stenderup's Law: 40453 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up. 40454% 40455Step back, unbelievers! 40456Or the rain will never come. 40457Somebody keep the fire burning, someone come and beat the drum. 40458You may think I'm crazy, you may think that I'm insane, 40459But I swear to you, before this day is out, 40460 you folks are gonna see some rain! 40461% 40462Still a few bugs in the system... Someday I have to tell you about Uncle 40463Nahum from Maine, who spent years trying to cross a jellyfish with a shad 40464so he could breed boneless shad. His experiment backfired too, and he 40465wound up with bony jellyfish... which was hardly worth the trouble. There's 40466very little call for those up there. 40467 -- Allucquere R. "Sandy" Stone 40468% 40469Still looking for the glorious results of my misspent youth. 40470Say, do you have a map to the next joint? 40471% 40472Stinginess with privileges is kindness in disguise. 40473 -- Guide to VAX/VMS Security, Sep. 1984 40474% 40475Stock's Observation: 40476 You no sooner get your head above water 40477 but what someone pulls your flippers off. 40478% 40479Stone's Law: 40480 One man's "simple" is another man's "huh?" 40481% 40482Stop! There was first a game of blindman's buff. Of course there was. 40483And I no more believe Topper was really blind than I believe he had eyes 40484in his boots. My opinion is, that it was a done thing between him and 40485Scrooge's nephew; and that the Ghost of Christmas Present knew it. The 40486way he went after that plump sister in the lace tucker, was an outrage 40487on the credulity of human nature. 40488% 40489Stop me, before I kill again! 40490% 40491Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. 40492% 40493Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. 40494Now, if they'd only take a bath... 40495% 40496Stop searching forever. Happiness is just next to you. 40497% 40498Stop searching forever. Happiness is unattainable. 40499% 40500Strange things are done to be number one 40501In selling the computer The Druids were entrepreneurs, 40502IBM has their strategem And they built a granite box 40503Which steadily grows acuter, It tracked the moon, warned of monsoons, 40504And Honeywell competes like Hell, And forecast the equinox 40505But the story's missing link Their price was right, their future 40506Is the system old at Stonemenge sold bright, 40507By the firm of Druids, Inc. The prototype was sold; 40508 From Stonehenge site their bits and byte 40509 Would ship for Celtic gold. 40510The movers came to crate the frame; 40511It weighed a million ton! 40512The traffic folk thought it a joke The man spoke true, and thus to you 40513(the wagon wheels just spun); A warning from the ages; 40514"They'll nay sell that," the foreman Your stock will slip if you can't ship 40515 spat, What's in your brochure's pages. 40516"Just leave the wild weeds grow; See if it sells without the bells 40517"It's Druid-kind, over-designed, And strings that ring and quiver; 40518"And belly up they'll go." Druid repute went down the chute 40519 Because they couldn't deliver. 40520 -- Edward C. McManus, "The Computer at Stonehenge" 40521% 40522STRATEGY: 40523 A comprehensive plan of inaction. 40524% 40525Strategy: 40526 A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until sometime 40527 after those creating it have left the organization. 40528% 40529Straw? No, too stupid a fad. I put soot on warts. 40530% 40531Stress has been pinpointed as a major cause of illness. To avoid overload 40532and burnout, keep stress out of your life. Give it to others instead. Learn 40533the "Gaslight" treatment, the "Are you talking to me?" technique, and the 40534"Do you feel okay? You look pale." approach. Start with negotiation and 40535implication. Advance to manipulation and humiliation. Above all, relax 40536and have a nice day. 40537% 40538Stuckness shouldn't be avoided. It's the psychic predecessor of all 40539real understanding. An egoless acceptance of stuckness is a key to an 40540understanding of all Quality, in mechanical work as in other endeavors. 40541 -- R. Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" 40542% 40543Stult's Report: 40544 Our problems are mostly behind us. 40545 What we have to do now is fight the solutions. 40546% 40547STUPID: 40548 Losing $25 on the tackle and $25 on the instant replay. 40549% 40550Stupidity is its own reward. 40551% 40552Style may not be the answer, but at least it's a workable alternative. 40553% 40554Suaviter in modo, fortiter in re. 40555Se non e vero, e ben trovato. 40556% 40557Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very'; your 40558editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. 40559 -- Mark Twain 40560% 40561Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the 40562way before it is understood. 40563% 40564Subtlety is the art of saying what you think 40565and getting out of the way before it is understood 40566% 40567Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names 40568the streets after them. 40569 -- Bill Vaughn 40570% 40571Success is a journey, not a destination. 40572% 40573Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get. 40574% 40575Success is in the minds of Fools. 40576 -- William Wrenshaw, 1578 40577% 40578Success is relative: It is what we can make of the mess we have 40579made of things. 40580 -- T.S. Eliot, "The Family Reunion" 40581% 40582Success is something I will dress for when I get there, and not until. 40583% 40584Success is the sole earthly judge of right and wrong. 40585 -- Adolph Hitler, "Mein Kampf" 40586% 40587Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring. 40588% 40589Such a fine first dream! 40590But they laughed at me; they said 40591I had made it up. 40592% 40593Such a foolish notion, that war is called devotion, 40594when the greatest warriors are the ones who stand for peace. 40595% 40596Such efforts are almost always slow, laborious, political, 40597petty, boring, ponderous, thankless, and of the utmost criticality. 40598 -- Leonard Kleinrock, on standards efforts 40599% 40600Such evil deeds could religion prompt. 40601 -- Titus Lucretius Carus 40602% 40603Sudden Death Dating: 40604 40605Quote, female: 40606 Am I worried about taking his last name? Forget it, 40607 at this point I'll take his first name, too. 40608% 40609Suffering alone exists, none who suffer; 40610The deed there is, but no doer thereof; 40611Nirvana is, but no one is seeking it; 40612The Path there is, but none who travel it. 40613 -- "Buddhist Symbolism", Symbols and Values 40614% 40615Suggest you just sit there and wait till life gets easier. 40616% 40617Suicide is simply a case of mistaken identity. 40618% 40619Suicide is the sincerest form of self-criticism. 40620 -- Donald Kaul 40621% 40622Sum quod eris. 40623% 40624Sun in the night, everyone is together, 40625Ascending into the heavens, life is forever. 40626 -- Brand X, "Moroccan Roll/Sun in the Night" 40627% 40628SUN Microsystems: 40629 The Network IS the Load Average. 40630% 40631SUNSET: 40632 Pronounced atmospheric scattering of shorter wavelengths, 40633 resulting in selective transmission below 650 nanometers with 40634 progressively reducing solar elevation. 40635% 40636Superstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy 40637have ample wages, but truth goes a-begging. 40638 -- Martin Luther 40639% 40640Supervisor: Do you think you understand the basic ideas of Quantum Mechanics? 40641Supervisee: Ah! Well, what do we mean by "to understand" in the context of 40642 Quantum Mechanics? 40643Supervisor: You mean "No", don't you? 40644Supervisee: Yes. 40645 -- Overheard at a supervision. 40646% 40647Support Bingo, keep Grandma off the streets. 40648% 40649Support mental health or I'LL KILL YOU!!!! 40650% 40651Support the American Kidney Foundation. 40652Don't wear your motorcycle helmet. 40653% 40654Support the Girl Scouts! 40655 (Today's Brownie is tomorrow's Cookie!) 40656% 40657Support the right of unborn males to bear arms! 40658 -- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly, 40659 the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle Association 40660% 40661Support your local church or synagogue. 40662Worship at Bank of America. 40663% 40664Support your right to arm bears!! 40665% 40666Support your right to bare arms! 40667 -- A message from the National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association 40668% 40669Suppose for a moment that the automobile industry had developed at the same 40670rate as computers and over the same period: how much cheaper and more 40671efficient would the current models be? If you have not already heard the 40672analogy, the answer is shattering. Today you would be able to buy a 40673Rolls-Royce for $2.75, it would do three million miles to the gallon, and 40674it would deliver enough power to drive the Queen Elizabeth II. And if you 40675were interested in miniaturization, you could place half a dozen of them on 40676a pinhead. 40677 -- Christopher Evans 40678% 40679Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests. 40680But what if he forgets? 40681% 40682Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest 40683men in national government too. 40684 -- Richard M. Nixon 40685% 40686Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are 40687dishonest men in national government too. 40688 -- Richard Nixon 40689% 40690"Surely you can't be serious." 40691"I am serious, and don't call me Shirley." 40692% 40693Surly to bed, surly to rise, makes you about average. 40694% 40695Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S Audit! 40696Just type in your name and social security number. 40697Please remember that leaving the room is punishable under law: 40698 40699Name # 40700 40701 40702% 40703Surprise due today. Also the rent. 40704% 40705Surprise your boss. Get to work on time. 40706% 40707sushi, n: 40708 When that-which-may-still-be-alive is put on top of rice and 40709 strapped on with electrical tape. 40710% 40711Sushido, n: 40712 The way of the tuna. 40713% 40714Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind. 40715 -- Wm. Shakespeare 40716% 40717Swap read error. You lose your mind. 40718% 40719SWEATER: 40720 A garment worn by a child when their mother feels chilly. 40721% 40722Sweet April showers do spring May flowers. 40723 -- Thomas Tusser 40724% 40725Sweet sixteen is beautiful Bess, 40726And her voice is changing -- from "No" to "Yes". 40727% 40728Swerve me? The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails, 40729whereon my soul is grooved to run. Over unsounded gorges, through 40730the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly 40731I rush! 40732 -- Captain Ahab, "Moby Dick" 40733% 40734Swipple's Rule of Order: 40735 He who shouts the loudest has the floor. 40736% 40737Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is 40738 unusually pale and clear. 40739Problem: Glass empty. 40740Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer. 40741 40742Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, 40743 and the front of your shirt is wet. 40744Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to 40745 wrong part of face. 40746Action Required: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. 40747 Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique. 40748 40749 -- Bar Troubleshooting 40750% 40751Symptom: Everything has gone dark. 40752Fault: The Bar is closing. 40753Action Required: Panic. 40754 40755Symptom: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. 40756 You cannot see the bathroom light. 40757Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter. 40758Action Required: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, 40759 treat yourself to a lie-in. 40760 40761 -- Bar Troubleshooting 40762% 40763Symptom: Feet cold and wet, glass empty. 40764Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle. 40765Action Required: Turn glass other way up so that open end points 40766 toward ceiling. 40767 40768Symptom: Feet warm and wet. 40769Fault: Improper bladder control. 40770Action Required: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain 40771 to the owner about its lack of house training and 40772 demand a beer as compensation. 40773 40774 -- Bar Troubleshooting 40775% 40776Symptom: Floor blurred. 40777Fault: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. 40778Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer. 40779 40780Symptom: Floor moving. 40781Fault: You are being carried out. 40782Action Required: Find out if you are taken to another bar. If not, 40783 complain loudly that you are being kidnapped. 40784 40785 -- Bar Troubleshooting 40786% 40787Symptom: Floor swaying. 40788Fault: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey 40789 game in progress. 40790Action Required: Insert broom handle down back of jacket. 40791 40792Symptom: Everything has gone dim, strange taste of peanuts 40793 and pretzels or cigarette butts in mouth. 40794Fault: You have fallen forward. 40795Action Required: See above. 40796 40797Symptom: Opposite wall covered with acoustic tile and several 40798 flourescent light strips. 40799Fault: You have fallen over backward. 40800Action Required: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your 40801 drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help 40802 you get up, lash yourself to bar. 40803 40804 -- Bar Troubleshooting 40805% 40806Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon. 40807 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 40808% 40809System checkpoint complete. 40810% 40811System going down at 1:45 this afternoon for disk crashing. 40812% 40813System going down at 5 this afternoon to install scheduler bug. 40814% 40815System going down in 5 minutes. 40816% 40817System restarting, wait... 40818% 40819System/3! System/3! 40820See how it runs! See how it runs! 40821 Its monitor loses so totally! 40822 It runs all its programs in RPG! 40823 It's made by our favorite monopoly! 40824System/3! 40825% 40826SYSTEM-INDEPENDENT: 40827 Works equally poorly on all systems. 40828% 40829Systems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad 40830infinitum -- which is why we're always starting over. 40831 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 40832% 40833Systems programmer: 40834 A person in sandals who has been in the elevator with the senior 40835 vice president and is ultimately responsible for a phone call you 40836 are to receive from your boss. 40837% 40838Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult. 40839 -- R.S. Barton 40840% 40841T: One big monster, he called TROLL. 40842 He don't rock, and he don't roll; 40843 Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies. 40844 He just Love To Eat Them Roguies. 40845 -- The Roguelet's ABC 40846% 40847TACKY: 40848 Serving grape kool-aid at religious functions. 40849% 40850TACT: 40851 The unsaid part of what you're thinking. 40852% 40853Tact consists in knowing how far to go in going too far. 40854 -- Jean Cocteau 40855% 40856Tact in audacity is knowing how far you can go without going too far. 40857 -- Jean Cocteau 40858% 40859Tact is the ability to tell a man he has 40860an open mind when he has a hole in his head. 40861% 40862Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy. 40863% 40864Take a lesson from the whale; the only time 40865he gets speared is when he raises to spout. 40866% 40867Take an astronaut to launch. 40868% 40869Take care of the luxuries and the 40870necessities will take care of themselves. 40871 -- L. Long 40872% 40873Take Care of the Molehills, and the Mountains Will Take Care of Themselves. 40874 -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service 40875% 40876Take everything in stride. 40877Trample anyone who gets in your way. 40878% 40879TAKE FORCEFUL ACTION: 40880 Do something that should have been done a long time ago. 40881% 40882Take it easy, we're in a hurry. 40883% 40884Take me drunk, 40885I'm home again! 40886% 40887Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, 40888but it needs a very clever woman to manage a fool. 40889 -- Kipling 40890% 40891Take time to reflect on all the things you have, not as a result of your 40892merit or hard work or because God or chance or the efforts of other people 40893have given them to you. 40894% 40895Take what you can use and let the rest go by. 40896 -- Ken Kesey 40897% 40898Take your dying with some seriousness, however. 40899Laughing on the way to your execution is not generally understood 40900by less-advanced life-forms, and they'll call you crazy. 40901 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul 40902% 40903Take your Senator to lunch this week. 40904% 40905Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do not 40906take what happens either to yourself or your work seriously. 40907 -- Booth Tarkington 40908% 40909Taking drugs in the 60's, I tried to reach Nirvana, but all I ever 40910got were re-runs of The Mickey Mouse Club. 40911 -- Rev. Jim 40912% 40913Talent does what it can. 40914Genius does what it must. 40915You do what you get paid to do. 40916% 40917Talk is cheap because supply always exceeds demand. 40918% 40919Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish. 40920 -- Euripides 40921% 40922Talkers are no good doers. 40923 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 40924% 40925Talking about music is like dancing about architecture. 40926 -- Laurie Anderson 40927% 40928Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself. 40929 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 40930% 40931Tallulah Bankhead barged down the 40932Nile last night as Cleopatra and sank. 40933 -- John Mason Brown, drama critic 40934% 40935Tan me hide when I'm dead, Fred, 40936Tan me hide when I'm dead. 40937So we tanned his hide when he died, Clyde, 40938It's hanging there on the shed. 40939 40940All together now... 40941 Tie me kangaroo down, sport, 40942 Tie me kangaroo down. 40943 Tie me kangaroo down, sport, 40944 Tie me kangaroo down. 40945% 40946Tart words make no friends; a spoonful of honey 40947will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar. 40948 -- B. Franklin 40949% 40950TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20) 40951 You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination 40952 and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull 40953 headed. You are a Communist. 40954% 40955TAURUS (Apr. 20 to May 20) 40956 Let your self-confidence and determination shine, and people will 40957 find you boorish and headstrong. Travel, promotion, and romance 40958 highlighted, if you live long enough. Don't take any wooden nickels. 40959% 40960TAURUS (Apr.20 - May 20) 40961 Take advantage of this opportunity to get a little extra sleep, 40962 because you're going to miss the bus again today anyway. You will 40963 decide to lose weight today, just like yesterday. 40964% 40965TAX OFFICE: 40966 Den of inequity. 40967% 40968Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't 40969tax me, tax that fellow behind the tree." 40970 -- Russell Long 40971% 40972TAXES: 40973 Of life's two certainties, 40974 the only one for which you can get an extension. 40975% 40976TAXES: 40977 Of life's two certainties, the only one for 40978 which you can get an extension. 40979% 40980Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed. 40981% 40982TCP/IP Slang Glossary, #1: 40983 40984Gong, n: Medieval term for privvy, or what pased for them in that era. 40985Today used whimsically to describe the aftermath of a bogon attack. Think 40986of our community as the Galapagos of the English language. 40987 40988"Vogons may read you bad poetry, but bogons make you study obsolete RFCs." 40989 -- Dave Mills 40990% 40991Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, 40992when they grow up, they won't be able to edge a car onto a freeway. 40993% 40994Teachers have class. 40995% 40996TEAMWORK: 40997 Having someone to blame. 40998% 40999Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else. 41000% 41001Technicality, n. In an English court a man named Home was tried for 41002slander in having accused a neighbor of murder. His exact words were: 41003"Sir Thomas Holt hath taken a cleaver and stricken his cook upon the 41004head, so that one side of his head fell on one shoulder and the other 41005side upon the other shoulder." The defendant was acquitted by 41006instruction of the court, the learned judges holding that the words did 41007not charge murder, for they did not affirm the death of the cook, that 41008being only an inference. 41009 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 41010% 41011Technique?" said the programmer turning from his terminal, "What I follow 41012is Tao -- beyond all technique! When I first began to program I would see 41013before me the whole problem in one mass. After three years I no longer saw 41014this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing. My whole 41015being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit, free to 41016work without plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program writes 41017itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them coming, I 41018slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code and the 41019difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the program. 41020I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my eyes for 41021a moment and then log off. 41022% 41023Technological progress has merely provided us 41024with more efficient means for going backwards. 41025 -- Aldous Huxley 41026% 41027Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand. 41028% 41029Tehee quod she, and clapte the wyndow to. 41030 -- Geoffrey Chaucer 41031% 41032Telephone books are like dictionaries -- if you know the answer before 41033you look it up, you can eventually reaffirm what you thought you knew 41034but weren't sure. But if you're searching for something you don't 41035already know, your fingers could walk themselves to death. 41036 -- Erma Bombeck 41037% 41038telephone, n.: 41039 An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of 41040making a disagreeable person keep his distance. 41041 -- Ambrose Bierce 41042% 41043TELEPRESSION: 41044 The deep-seated guilt which stems from knowing that you did not try 41045 hard enough to look up the number on your own and instead put the 41046 burden on the directory assistant. 41047 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 41048% 41049Television -- a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done. 41050 -- Ernie Kovacs 41051% 41052Television -- the longest amateur night in history. 41053 -- Robert Carson 41054% 41055Television has brought back murder into the home -- where it belongs. 41056 -- Alfred Hitchcock 41057% 41058Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than 41059each other. 41060 -- Ann Landers 41061% 41062Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. 41063 -- attributed to both Fred Allen and Ernie Kovacs 41064% 41065Television is now so desperately hungry for material 41066that it is scraping the top of the barrel. 41067 -- Gore Vidal 41068% 41069Television only proves that people will look at anything -- 41070rather than each other. 41071% 41072Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll 41073believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have 41074to touch to be sure. 41075% 41076Tell me, O Octopus, I begs, 41077Is those things arms, or is they legs? 41078I marvel at thee, Octopus; 41079If I were thou, I'd call me us. 41080 -- Ogden Nash 41081% 41082Tell me what to think!!! 41083% 41084Tell me why the stars do shine, 41085Tell me why the ivy twines, 41086Tell me why the sky's so blue, 41087And I will tell you just why I love you. 41088 41089 Nuclear fusion makes stars to shine, 41090 Phototropism makes ivy twine, 41091 Rayleigh scattering makes sky so blue, 41092 Sexual hormones are why I love you. 41093% 41094Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally 41095promoting a falsehood, isn't it? 41096 -- A. Hope 41097% 41098Tempt me with a spoon! 41099% 41100Tempt not a desperate man. 41101 -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet" 41102% 41103Ten of the meanest cons in the state pen met in the corner of the yard to 41104shoot some craps. The stakes were enormous, the tension palpable. 41105 When his turn came to shoot, Dutsky nervously plunked down his 41106entire wad, shook the dice and rolled. A smile crossed his face as a seven 41107showed up, but it quickly changed to horror as a third die slipped out of 41108his sleeve and fell to the ground with the two others. No one said a word. 41109Finally, Killer Lucci picked up the third die, put it in his pocket and 41110handed the others to Dutsky. 41111 "Roll 'em," Lucci said. "Your point is thirteen." 41112% 41113Ten of the meanest cons in the state pen met in the corner of the yard to 41114shoot some craps. The stakes were enormous, the tension palpable. 41115 When his turn came to shoot, Dutsky nervously plunked down his 41116entire wad, shook the dice and rolled. A smile crossed his face as a 41117seven showed up, but it quickly changed to horror as third die slipped out 41118of his sleeve and fell to the ground with the two others. No one said a 41119word. Finally, Killer Lucci picked up the third die, put it in his pocket 41120and handed the others to Dutsky. 41121 "Roll 'em," Lucci said. "Your point is thirteen." 41122% 41123Ten persons who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent. 41124 -- Napoleon I 41125% 41126Ten years of rejection slips is nature's 41127way of telling you to stop writing. 41128 -- R. Geis 41129% 41130Terence, this is stupid stuff: 41131You eat your victuals fast enough; 41132There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear, 41133To see the rate you drink your beer. 41134But oh, good Lord, the verse you make, 41135It gives a chap the belly-ache. 41136The cow, the old cow, she is dead; 41137It sleeps well the horned head: 41138We poor lads, 'tis our turn now 41139To hear such tunes as killed the cow. 41140Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme 41141Your friends to death before their time. 41142Moping, melancholy mad: 41143Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad. 41144 -- A.E. Housman 41145% 41146Term, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave 41147school, and then work, work, work till we die. 41148 -- C.S. Lewis 41149% 41150Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a surprising 41151amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one hand considered 41152the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other hand were unwilling 41153to risk offending God's grandmother. 41154 -- Len Cool, "American Pie" 41155% 41156Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a pagan, 41157and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city until about 41158his 35th year, when he became a Christian. [...] To him is ascribed the 41159sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe because it is absurd). 41160This does not altogether accord with historical fact, for he merely said: 41161 "And the Son of God died, which is immediately credible because it 41162 is absurd. And buried he rose again, which is certain because it 41163 is impossible." 41164Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of 41165philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it. 41166 -- C.G. Jung, "Psychological Types" 41167 [Teruillian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church. Ed.] 41168% 41169Test for paraquat: 41170 Take amount of grass used in one joint, and wash in 5 cc's 41171 of water, agitating gently for 15 minutes. Strain out leaves, 41172 leaving a brownish-yellow solution. Add 100 mg each of sodium 41173 bicarbonate and sodium dithionite. If paraquat is present, 41174 the solution will turn blue-green. 41175% 41176Testing can show the presence of bugs, but not their absence. 41177 -- Dijkstra 41178% 41179Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones. 41180% 41181TEUTONIC: 41182 Not enough gin. 41183% 41184TEX is potentially the most significant invention in typesetting in this 41185century. It introduces a standard language for computer typography, and in 41186terms of importance could rank near the introduction of the Gutenberg press. 41187 -- Gordon Bell 41188% 41189Texas A&M football coach Jackie Sherrill went to the office of the Dean 41190of Academics because he was concerned about his players' mental abilities. 41191"My players are just too stupid for me to deal with them", he told the 41192unbelieving dean. At this point, one of his players happened to enter 41193the dean's office. "Let me show you what I mean", said Sherrill, and he 41194told the player to run over to his office to see if he was in. "OK, Coach", 41195the player replied, and was off. "See what I mean?" Sherrill asked. 41196"Yeah", replied the dean. "He could have just picked up this phone and 41197called you from here." 41198% 41199Texas is Hell on woman and horses. 41200 -- Wayne Oakes 41201% 41202Thank God I've always avoided persecuting my enemies. 41203 -- Adolf Hitler 41204% 41205Thank you for observing all safety precautions. 41206% 41207That all men should be brothers is the dream of people who have no brothers. 41208 -- Charles Chincholles, "Pensees de tout le monde" 41209% 41210That does not compute. 41211% 41212That feeling just came over me. 41213 -- Albert DeSalvo, the "Boston Strangler" 41214% 41215That government is best which governs least. 41216 -- Henry David Thoreau, "Civil Disobedience" 41217% 41218That is the true season of love, when we believe that we alone can love, 41219that no one could have loved so before us, and that no one will love 41220in the same way as us. 41221 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 41222% 41223That money talks, 41224I'll not deny, 41225I heard it once, 41226It said "Good-bye. 41227 -- Richard Armour 41228% 41229That must be wonderful: I don't understand it at all. 41230 -- Moliere 41231% 41232That segment of the community with which one has the greatest 41233sympathy as a liberal, inevitably turns out to be one of the most 41234narrow-minded and bigoted segments of the community. 41235% 41236That that is is that that is not is not. 41237% 41238That, that is, is. 41239That, that is not, is not. 41240That, that is, is not that, that is not. 41241That, that is not, is not that, that is. 41242% 41243...that the notions of "hardware", and "software" should be extended by 41244the notion of LIVEWARE - being that which produces software for use on 41245hardware. This produces an obvious extension to the concept of MONITORS. 41246A liveware monitor is a person dedicated to the task of ensuring that the 41247liveware does not interfere with the real-time processes, invoking the 41248REAL-TIME EXECUTIONER to delete liveware that adversely affects ... 41249 -- Linden and Wihelminalaan 41250% 41251That which is not good for the swarm, neither is it good for the bee. 41252% 41253That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them. 41254 -- Dorothy Parker 41255% 41256That Xanthippe's husband should have become so great a philosopher is 41257remarkable. Amid all the scolding, to be able to think! But he could not 41258write: that was impossible. Socrates has not left us a single book. 41259 -- Heine 41260% 41261That's always the way when you discover 41262something new; everyone thinks you're crazy. 41263 -- Evelyn E. Smith 41264% 41265That's life. 41266 What's life? 41267A magazine. 41268 How much does it cost? 41269Two-fifty. 41270 I only have a dollar. 41271That's life. 41272% 41273That's life for you, said McDunn. Someone always waiting for someone 41274who never comes home. Always someone loving something more than that 41275thing loves them. And after awhile you want to destroy whatever that 41276thing is, so it can't hurt you no more. 41277 -- R. Bradbury, "The Fog Horn" 41278% 41279"That's no answer," Job said, "And for someone who's supposed to be 41280omnipotent, let me tell you 'tabernacle' has only one l." 41281 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 41282% 41283That's no moon... 41284 -- Obi-wan Kenobi 41285% 41286That's odd. That's very odd. 41287Wouldn't you say that's very odd? 41288% 41289That's one small step for a man; one giant leap for mankind. 41290 -- Neil Armstrong 41291% 41292That's the most fun I've had without laughing. 41293 -- Woody Allen, on sex 41294% 41295That's the thing about people who think they hate computers. What they 41296really hate is lousy programmers. 41297 -- Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle in "Oath of Fealty" 41298% 41299That's the true harbinger of spring, not crocuses or swallows 41300returning to Capistrano, but the sound of a bat on a ball. 41301 -- Bill Veeck 41302% 41303That's what she said. 41304% 41305That's where the money was. 41306 -- Willie Sutton, on being asked why he robbed a bank 41307 41308It's a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night. 41309 -- Willie Sutton 41310% 41311The White Rabbit put on his spectacles. 41312 "Where shall I begin, please your Majesty ?" he asked. 41313 "Begin at the beginning,", the King said, very gravely, 41314"and go on till you come to the end: then stop." 41315 -- Lewis Carroll 41316% 41317The 11 is for people with the pride of a 10 and the pocketbook of an 8. 41318 -- R.B. Greenberg 41319% 41320The 357.73 Theory -- 41321 Auditors always reject expense accounts 41322 with a bottom line divisible by 5. 41323% 41324The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy. 41325% 41326The 'A' is for content, the 'minus' is for not typing it. 41327Don't ever do this to my eyes again. 41328 -- Professor Ronald Brady, Philosophy, Ramapo State College 41329% 41330The Abrams' Principle: 41331 The shortest distance between two points is off the wall. 41332% 41333The absence of labels [in ECL] is probably a good thing. 41334 -- T. Cheatham 41335% 41336The absent ones are always at fault. 41337% 41338The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth. 41339 -- A. Camus 41340% 41341The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power. 41342 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 41343% 41344The adjective is the banana peel of the parts of speech. 41345 -- Clifton Fadiman 41346% 41347The adjuration to be "normal" seems shockingly repellent to me; I see neither 41348hope nor comfort in sinking to that low level. I think it is ignorance that 41349makes people think of abnormality only with horror and allows them to remain 41350undismayed at the proximity of "normal" to average and mediocre. For surely 41351anyone who achieves anything is, essentially, abnormal. 41352 -- Dr. Karl Menninger, "The Human Mind", 1930 41353% 41354The advantage of being celibate is that when one sees a pretty girl one 41355does not need to grieve over having an ugly one back home. 41356 -- Paul Leautaud, "Propos dun jour" 41357% 41358The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being but to remind him that 41359he is already degraded. 41360 -- George Orwell 41361% 41362The aim of science is to seek the simplest explanations of complex 41363facts. Seek simplicity and distrust it. 41364 -- Whitehead. 41365% 41366The alarm clock that is louder than God's own 41367belongs to the roommate with the earliest class. 41368% 41369The algorithm for finding the longest path in a graph is NP-complete. 41370For you systems people, that means it's *real slow*. 41371 -- Bart Miller 41372% 41373The all-softening overpowering knell, 41374The tocsin of the soul, -- the dinner bell. 41375 -- Lord Byron 41376% 41377The Almighty in His infinite wisdom did not see 41378fit to create Frenchmen in the image of Englishmen. 41379 -- Winston Churchill, 1942 41380% 41381The American Dental Association announced today that most plaque tends 41382to form on teeth around 4:00 PM in the afternoon. 41383 41384Film at 11:00. 41385% 41386The American nation in the sixth ward is a fine people; they love the 41387eagle -- on the back of a dollar. 41388 -- Finlay Peter Dunne 41389% 41390The American system of ours, call it Americanism, call it Capitalism, 41391call it what you like, gives each and every one of us a great 41392opportunity if we only seize it with both hands and make the most of it. 41393 -- Al Capone 41394% 41395The amount of time between slipping on the peel and landing on the 41396pavement is precisely 1 bananosecond. 41397% 41398The amount of weight an evangelist carries with the almighty is measured 41399in billigrahams. 41400% 41401The Analytical Engine weaves Algebraical patterns 41402just as the Jacquard loom weaves flowers and leaves. 41403 -- Ada Augusta, Countess of Lovelace, the first programmer 41404% 41405The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that consists 41406of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune of "Camptown 41407Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to listen to it, and, 41408even better, nobody has to play it. 41409 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 41410% 41411The Ancient Doctrine of Mind Over Matter: 41412 I don't mind... and you don't matter. 41413 41414 -- As revealed to reporter G. Rivera by Swami Havabanana 41415% 41416The Angels want to wear my red shoes. 41417 -- E. Costello 41418% 41419The anger of a woman is the greatest evil 41420with which you can threaten your enemies. 41421 -- Bonnard 41422% 41423The Anglo-Saxon conscience does not prevent the Anglo-Saxon from 41424sinning, it merely prevents him from enjoying his sin. 41425 --Salvador De Madariaga 41426% 41427The angry man always thinks he can do more than he can. 41428 -- Albertano of Brescia 41429% 41430The animals are not as stupid as one thinks -- they have neither 41431doctors nor lawyers. 41432 -- L. Docquier 41433% 41434The annual meeting of the "You Have To Listen To Experience" Club is now in 41435session. Our Achievement Awards this year are in the fields of publishing, 41436advertising and industry. For best consistent contribution in the field of 41437publishing our award goes to editor, R.L.K., [...] for his unrivalled alle- 41438giance without variation to the statement: "Personally I'd love to do it, 41439we'd ALL love to do it. But we're not going to do it. It's not the kind of 41440book our house knows how to handle." Our superior performance award in the 41441field of advertising goes to media executive, E.L.M., [...] for the continu- 41442ally creative use of the old favorite: "I think what you've got here could be 41443very exciting. Why not give it one more try based on the approach I've out- 41444lined and see if you can come up with something fresh." Our final award for 41445courageous holding action in the field of industry goes to supervisor, R.S., 41446[...] for her unyielding grip on "I don't care if they fire me, I've been 41447arguing for a new approach for YEARS but are we SURE that this is the right 41448time--" I would like to conclude this meeting with a verse written specially 41449for our prospectus by our founding president fifty years ago -- and now, as 41450then, fully expressive of the emotion most close to all our hearts -- 41451 Treat freshness as a youthful quirk, 41452 And dare not stray to ideas new, 41453 For if t'were tried they might e'en work 41454 And for a living what woulds't we do? 41455% 41456The answer to the question of Life, the Universe, and Everything is... 41457 41458 Four day work week, 41459 Two ply toilet paper! 41460% 41461The answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything was 41462released with the kind permission of the Amalgamated Union of Philosophers, 41463Sages, Luminaries, and Other Professional Thinking Persons. 41464% 41465The ark lands after The Flood. Noah lets all the animals out. Says he, "Go 41466and multiply." Several months pass. Noah decides to check up on the animals. 41467All are doing fine except a pair of snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah. 41468"Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes. Noah follows 41469their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again. 41470Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how 41471the trees helped?" "Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, and we need 41472logs to multiply." 41473% 41474The arms business is founded on human folly, that is why its depths will 41475never be plumbed and why it will go on forever. All weapons are defensive 41476and all spare parts are non-lethal. The plainest print cannot be read 41477through a solid gold sovereign, or a ruble or a golden eagle. 41478 -- Sam Cummings, American arms dealer 41479% 41480The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion. 41481Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed 41482and color, but also on ability. 41483 -- T. Lehrer 41484% 41485The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe. 41486 -- Bill Murray 41487% 41488The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use in 41489effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the 41490Declaration not for that, but for future use. 41491 -- Abraham Lincoln 41492% 41493The astronomer Francesco Sizi, a contemporary of Galileo, argues that 41494Jupiter can have no satellites: 41495 41496 There are seven windows in the head, two nostrils, two ears, two 41497eyes, and a mouth; so in the heavens there are two favorable stars, two 41498unpropitious, two luminaries, and Mercury alone undecided and indifferent. 41499From which and many other similar phenomena of nature such as the seven 41500metals, etc., which it were tedious to enumerate, we gather that the number 41501of planets is necessarily seven. [...] 41502 Moreover, the satellites are invisible to the naked eye and 41503therefore can have no influence on the earth and therefore would be useless 41504and therefore do not exist. 41505% 41506The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive. 41507% 41508The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she 41509knows that the average man can see much better than he can think. 41510 -- Ladies' Home Journal 41511% 41512The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in 41513the morning feeling just terrible. 41514 -- Jean Kerr 41515% 41516The average income of the modern teenager is about 2AM. 41517% 41518The average individual's position in any hierarchy is a lot like pulling 41519a dogsled -- there's no real change of scenery except for the lead dog. 41520% 41521The average nutritional value of promises is roughly zero. 41522% 41523The average Ph.D thesis is nothing but the transference of bones from 41524one graveyard to another. 41525 -- J. Frank Dobie, "A Texan in England" 41526% 41527The average woman must inevitably view her actual husband with a certain 41528disdain; he is anything but her ideal. In consequence, she cannot help 41529feeling that her children are cruelly handicapped by the fact that he is 41530their father. 41531 -- Mencken 41532% 41533The avocation of assessing the failures of better men can be turned 41534into a comfortable livelihood, providing you back it up with a Ph.D. 41535 -- Nelson Algren, "Writers at Work" 41536% 41537The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that 41538carries any reward. 41539 -- John Maynard Keynes 41540% 41541The bank called to tell me that I'm overdrawn, 41542Some freaks are burning crosses out on my front lawn, 41543And I *can't*believe* it, all the Cheetos are gone, 41544 It's just ONE OF THOSE DAYS! 41545 -- Weird Al Yankovic, "One of Those Days" 41546% 41547The bank sent our statement this morning, 41548The red ink was a sight of great awe! 41549Their figures and mine might have balanced, 41550But my wife was too quick on the draw. 41551% 41552The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than cities. 41553Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and difficult to 41554park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots, which are also 41555dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but -- here is the big 41556difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO RULES. You're allowed to 41557do anything. You can drive as fast as you want in any direction you want. 41558I was once driving in a mall parking lot when my car was struck by a pickup 41559truck being driven backward by a squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" 41560on his forearm, who got out and explained to me, in great detail, why the 41561accident was my fault, his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, 41562whereas I was neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall 41563parking lots. 41564 -- Dave Barry 41565% 41566The bay-trees in our country are all wither'd 41567And meteors fright the fixed stars of heaven; 41568The pale-faced moon looks bloody on the earth 41569And lean-look'd prophets whisper fearful change. 41570These signs forerun the death or fall of kings. 41571 -- Wm. Shakespeare, "Richard II" 41572% 41573THE BEATLES: 41574 Paul McCartney's old back-up band. 41575% 41576The beauty of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder. 41577% 41578The beer-cooled computer does not harm the ozone layer. 41579 -- John M. Ford, a.k.a. Dr. Mike 41580 41581 [If I can read my notes from the Ask Dr. Mike session at Baycon, I 41582 believe he added that the beer-cooled computer uses "Forget Only 41583 Memory". Ed.] 41584% 41585The best audience is intelligent, well-educated and a little drunk. 41586 -- Maurice Baring 41587% 41588The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland"; 41589but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman. 41590% 41591The best case: Get salary from America, build a house in England, 41592 live with a Japanese wife, and eat Chinese food. 41593Pretty good case: Get salary from England, build a house in America, 41594 live with a Chinese wife, and eat Japanese food. 41595The worst case: Get salary from China, build a house in Japan, 41596 live with a British wife, and eat American food. 41597 41598 --Bungei Shunju, a popular Japanese magazine 41599% 41600The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. 41601 -- W.C. Fields 41602% 41603The best defense against logic is ignorance. 41604% 41605The best definition of a gentleman is a man who can play the accordion -- 41606but doesn't. 41607 -- Tom Crichton 41608% 41609The best diplomat I know is a fully activated phaser bank. 41610 -- Scotty 41611% 41612The best equipment for your work is, of course, the most expensive. 41613However, your neighbor is always wasting money that should be yours 41614by judging things by their price. 41615% 41616The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do 41617what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with 41618them while they do it. 41619 -- Theodore Roosevelt 41620% 41621The best laid plans of mice and men are held up in the legal department. 41622% 41623The best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal. 41624 -- Blair 41625% 41626The best man for the job is often a woman. 41627% 41628The best number for a dinner party is two -- myself and a damn good 41629head waiter. 41630 -- Nubar Gulbenkian 41631% 41632The best portion of a good man's life, his little, 41633nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love. 41634 -- Wordsworth 41635% 41636The best prophet of the future is the past. 41637% 41638The best rebuttal to this kind of statistical argument came from the 41639redoubtable John W. Campbell: 41640 41641 The laws of population growth tell us that approximately half the 41642 people who were ever born in the history of the world are now 41643 dead. There is therefore a 0.5 probability that this message is 41644 being read by a corpse. 41645% 41646The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and 41647fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are 41648drifting side by side to our common doom. 41649 -- Clarence Darrow 41650% 41651The best thing about being bald is, that, when unexpected 41652company arrives, all you have to do is straighten your tie. 41653% 41654The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time. 41655% 41656The best thing that comes out of Iowa is I-80. 41657% 41658The best things in life are for a fee. 41659% 41660The best things in life go on sale sooner or later. 41661% 41662The best way to accelerate a Macintoy is at 9.8 meters per second, squared. 41663% 41664The best way to avoid responsibility is to say, "I've got responsibilities." 41665% 41666The best way to get rid of worries is to let them die of neglect. 41667% 41668The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away. 41669% 41670The best way to preserve a right is to exercise it, and the right to 41671smoke is a right worth dying for. 41672% 41673The best ways are the most straightforward ways. When you're sitting around 41674scamming these things out, all kinds of James Bondian ideas come forth, but 41675when it gets down to the reality of it, the simplest and most straightforward 41676way is usually the best, and the way that attracts the least attention. 41677Also, pouring gasoline on the water and lighting it like James Bond doesn't 41678work either.... They tried it during Prohibition. 41679 -- Thomas King Forcade, marijuana smuggler 41680% 41681The best you get is an even break. 41682 -- Franklin Adams 41683% 41684The better part of valor is discretion. 41685 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" 41686% 41687The better the state is established, the fainter is humanity. 41688To make the individual uncomfortable, that is my task. 41689 -- Nietzsche 41690% 41691The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments 41692to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. 41693It's just that they need more supervision. 41694% 41695The Bible is not my Book and Christianity is not my religion. I could 41696never give assent to the long complicated statements of Christian dogma. 41697 -- Abraham Lincoln 41698% 41699The Bible on letters of reference: 41700 41701 Are we beginning all over again to produce our credentials? Do 41702we, like some people, need letters of introduction to you, or from you? 41703No, you are all the letter we need, a letter written on your heart; any 41704man can see it for what it is and read it for himself. 41705 -- 2 Corinthians 3:1-2, New English translation 41706% 41707The big cities of America are becoming Third World countries. 41708 -- Nora Ephron 41709% 41710The big mistake that men make is that when they turn thirteen or fourteen 41711and all of a sudden they've reached puberty, they believe that they like 41712women. Actually, you're just horny. It doesn't mean you like women any 41713more at twenty-one than you did at ten. 41714 -- Jules Feiffer 41715% 41716The big question is why in the course of evolution the males permitted 41717themselves to be so totally eclipsed by the females. Why do they tolerate 41718this total subservience, this wretched existence as outcasts who are 41719hungry all the time? 41720% 41721The bigger they are, the harder they hit. 41722% 41723The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse time. 41724 -- Merrick Furst 41725% 41726The biggest mistake you can make is to believe that you are 41727working for someone else. 41728% 41729The biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has 41730occurred. 41731% 41732The Bird of Time has but a little way to fly ... 41733and the bird is on the wing. 41734 -- Omar Khayyam 41735% 41736The black bear used to be one of the most commonly seen large animals 41737because in Yosemite and Sequoia national parks they lived off of garbage 41738and tourist handouts. This bear has learned to open car doors in 41739Yosemite, where damage to automobiles caused by bears runs into the tens 41740of thousands of dollars a year. Campaigns to bearproof all garbage 41741containers in wild areas have been difficult, because as one biologist 41742put it, "There is a considerable overlap between the intelligence levels 41743of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists." 41744% 41745The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch. 41746% 41747The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives. 41748 -- Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb Project 41749% 41750The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first 41751half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and 41752pleasant, the second half still balmy and quite pleasant for those who 41753hadn't heard the scream at all, but not calm or balmy or even very nice 41754for those who did hear the scream, discounting the little period of time 41755during the actual scream itself when your ears might have been hearing it 41756but your brain wasn't reacting yet to let you know. 41757 -- Winning sentence, 1986 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. 41758% 41759The boy stood on the burning deck, 41760Eating peanuts by the peck. 41761His father called him, but he could not go, 41762For he loved those peanuts so. 41763% 41764The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment 41765you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to work. 41766% 41767The Briggs - Chase Law of Program Development: 41768 To determine how long it will take to write and debug a 41769 program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add 41770 one, and convert to the next higher units. 41771% 41772The British are coming! The British are coming! 41773% 41774The broad mass of a nation... will more easily 41775fall victim to a big lie than to a small one. 41776 -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf" 41777% 41778The brotherhood of man is not a mere poet's dream; it is a most depressing 41779and humiliating reality. 41780 -- Oscar Wilde 41781% 41782The Buddha, the Godhead, resides quite as comfortably in the circuits of a 41783digital computer or the gears of a cycle transmission as he does at the top 41784of a mountain or in the petals of a flower. To think otherwise is to demean 41785the Buddha -- which is to demean oneself. 41786 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" 41787% 41788The bugs you have to avoid are the ones that give the user not only 41789the inclination to get on a plane, but also the time. 41790 -- Kay Bostic 41791% 41792The Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest is held ever year at San Jose State 41793Univ. by Professor Scott Rice. It is held in memory of Edward George 41794Earle Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873), a rather prolific and popular (in his 41795time) novelist. He is best known today for having written "The Last 41796Days of Pompeii." 41797 41798Whenever Snoopy starts typing his novel from the top of his doghouse, 41799beginning "It was a dark and stormy night..." he is borrowing from Lord 41800Bulwer-Lytton. This was the line that opened his novel, "Paul Clifford," 41801written in 1830. The full line reveals why it is so bad: 41802 41803 It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents -- except 41804 at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of 41805 wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene 41806 lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty 41807 flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness. 41808% 41809The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better 41810people, and don't come in clearly enough. 41811 -- Bill Maher 41812% 41813The camel died quite suddenly on the second day, and Selena fretted 41814sullenly and, buffing her already impeccable nails -- not for the first 41815time since the journey begain -- pondered snidely if this would dissolve 41816into a vignette of minor inconveniences like all the other holidays spent 41817with Basil. 41818 -- Winning sentence, 1983 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. 41819% 41820The carbonyl is polarized, 41821The delta end is plus. 41822The nucleophile will thus attack, 41823The carbon nucleus. 41824Addition makes an alcohol, 41825Of types there are but three. 41826It makes a bond, to correspond, 41827From C to shining C. 41828 -- Prof. Frank Westheimer, to "America the Beautiful" 41829% 41830The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used. 41831 -- Herbert von Fritzlar 41832% 41833The Celts invented two things, Whiskey and self-distruction. 41834% 41835The chains of marriage are so heavy that it takes two to carry them, and 41836sometimes three. 41837 -- Alexandre Dumas 41838% 41839The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up 41840at the steam fitters picnic. 41841% 41842The chief cause of problems is solutions. 41843 -- Eric Sevareid 41844% 41845The chief enemy of creativity is "good" sense 41846 -- Picasso 41847% 41848The church is near but the road is icy, 41849the bar is far away but I will walk carefully. 41850 -- Russian Proverb 41851% 41852The church saves sinners, but science seeks to stop their manufacture. 41853 -- Elbert Hubbard 41854% 41855The City of Palo Alto, in its official description of parking lot standards, 41856specifies the grade of wheelchair access ramps in terms of centimeters of 41857rise per foot of run. A compromise, I imagine... 41858% 41859The clash of ideas is the sound of freedom. 41860% 41861The clearest way into the Universe is through a forest wilderness. 41862 -- John Muir 41863% 41864The clergy successfully preached the doctrines of patience and pusillanimity; 41865the active virtues of society were discouraged; and the last remains of a 41866military spirit were buried in the cloister: a large portion of public and 41867private wealth was consecrated to the specious demands of charity and devotion; 41868and the soldiers' pay was lavished on the useless multitudes of both sexes 41869who could only plead the merits of abstinence and chastity. 41870 -- Edward Gibbons, "The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire" 41871% 41872The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere. 41873% 41874The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when they fill out a 41875job application. 41876% 41877The closest to perfection a person ever comes 41878is when he fills out a job application form. 41879 -- Stanley J. Randall 41880% 41881The clothes have no emperor. 41882 -- C.A.R. Hoare, commenting on ADA. 41883% 41884The coast was clear. 41885 -- Lope de Vega 41886% 41887The college graduate is presented with a sheepskin to cover his 41888intellectual nakedness. 41889 -- Robert M. Hutchins 41890% 41891The Commandments of the EE: 41892 418931: Beware of lightning that lurketh in an uncharged condenser 41894 lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most 41895 embarrassing manner. 418962: Cause thou the switch that supplieth large quantities of juice to 41897 be opened and thusly tagged, that thy days may be long in this 41898 earthly vale of tears. 418993: Prove to thyself that all circuits that radiateth, and upon 41900 which the worketh, are grounded and thusly tagged lest they lift 41901 thee to a radio frequency potential and causeth thee to make like 41902 a radiator too. 419034: Tarry thou not amongst these fools that engage in intentional 41904 shocks for they are not long for this world and are surely 41905 unbelievers. 41906% 41907The Commandments of the EE: 41908 419095: Take care that thou useth the proper method when thou takest the 41910 measures of high-voltage circuits too, that thou dost not incinerate 41911 both thee and thy test meter, for verily, though thou has no company 41912 property number and can be easily surveyed, the test meter has 41913 one and, as a consequence, bringeth much woe unto a purchasing agent. 419146: Take care that thou tamperest not with interlocks and safety devices, 41915 for this incurreth the wrath of the chief electrician and bring 41916 the fury of the engineers on his head. 419177: Work thou not on energized equipment for if thou doest so, thy 41918 friends will surely be buying beers for thy widow and consoling 41919 her in certain ways not generally acceptable to thee. 419208: Verily, verily I say unto thee, never service equipment alone, 41921 for electrical cooking is a slow process and thou might sizzle in 41922 thy own fat upon a hot circuit for hours on end before thy maker 41923 sees fit to end thy misery and drag thee into his fold. 41924% 41925The Commandments of the EE: 41926 419279: Trifle thee not with radioactive tubes and substances lest thou 41928 commence to glow in the dark like a lightning bug, and thy wife be 41929 frustrated and have not further use for thee except for thy wages. 4193010: Commit thou to memory all the words of the prophets which are 41931 written down in thy Bible which is the National Electrical Code, 41932 and giveth out with the straight dope and consoleth thee when 41933 thou hast suffered a ream job by the chief electrician. 4193411: When thou muckest about with a device in an unthinking and/or 41935 unknowing manner, thou shalt keep one hand in thy pocket. Better 41936 that thou shouldest keep both hands in thy pockets than 41937 experimentally determine the electrical potential of an 41938 innocent-seeming device. 41939% 41940The common cormorant, or shag, lays eggs inside a paper bag. 41941% 41942The computer industry is journalists in their 20's standing in awe of 41943entrepreneurs in their 30's who are hiring salesmen in their 40's and 4194450's and paying them in the 60's and 70's to bring their marketing into 41945the 80's. 41946 -- Marty Winston 41947% 41948The computer is to the information industry roughly what the 41949central power station is to the electrical industry. 41950 -- Peter Drucker 41951% 41952The computing field is always in need of new cliches. 41953 -- Alan Perlis 41954% 41955The concept seems to be clear by now. It has been 41956defined several times by examples of what it is not. 41957% 41958The connection between the language in which we think/program and the problems 41959and solutions we can imagine is very close. For this reason restricting 41960language features with the intent of eliminating programmer errors is at best 41961dangerous. 41962 -- Bjarne Stroustrup 41963% 41964The Constitution may not be perfect, but it's a lot better 41965than what we've got! 41966% 41967The control of the production of wealth 41968is the control of human life itself. 41969 -- Hilaire Belloc 41970% 41971The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is 41972none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but." 41973Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period. 41974Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get 41975you talked about. 41976 -- Lazarus Long 41977% 41978The cost of feathers has risen, even down is up! 41979% 41980The cost of living has just gone up another dollar a quart. 41981 -- W.C. Fields 41982% 41983The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. 41984% 41985The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down. 41986% 41987The countdown had stalled at 'T' minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first 41988female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick, 41989rubbery lips unmistakably -- the first of many such advances during what 41990would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my 41991career. 41992 -- Winning sentence, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. 41993% 41994The course of true anything never does run smooth. 41995 -- Samuel Butler 41996% 41997The courtroom was pregnant (pun intended) with anxious silence as the 41998judge solemnly considered his verdict in the paternity suit before him. 41999Suddenly, he reached into the folds of his robes, drew out a cigar and 42000cermoniously handed it to the defendant. 42001 "Congratulations!" declaimed the jurist. "You have just become a 42002father!" 42003% 42004The covers of this book are too far apart. 42005 -- Book review by Ambrose Bierce. 42006% 42007The cow is nothing but a machine which makes grass fit for us people to eat. 42008 -- John McNulty 42009% 42010The Crown is full of it! 42011 -- Nate Harris, 1775 42012% 42013The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should therefore 42014be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be 42015propagated. If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to declare war 42016and they are screened at once from scrutiny. ... In war, then, as in peace, 42017assert the freedom of speech and of the press. Cling to this as the bulwark 42018of all our rights and privileges. 42019 -- William Ellery Channing 42020 42021% 42022The curse of the Irish is not that they don't know the 42023words to a song -- it's that they know them *all*. 42024 -- Susan Dooley 42025% 42026The "cutting edge" is getting rather dull. 42027 -- Andy Purshottam 42028% 42029The Czechs announced after Sputnik that they, too, would launch 42030a satellite. Of course, it would orbit Sputnik, not Earth! 42031% 42032The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern. 42033Every class is unfit to govern. 42034 -- Lord Acton 42035% 42036The dangerous Lego Bomb, which targets shag rugs and scatters pieces of 42037plastic that hurt like hell when you step on them is banned entirely.... 42038Hiring David Copperfield to pretend to saw the missiles in half will not 42039be permitted... In order to reduce risk of accidental war, both sides 42040agree to ban the popular but dangerous 'Simon Says' training drill at 42041nuclear launch sites... Under no circumstances will either side reveal 42042that it hammered out the treaty in one afternoon, but spent the last nine 42043years arguing the Monty Hall and the three doors problem. 42044 -- Little known provisions of the START treaty by James Lileks 42045% 42046The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning, 42047and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished. 42048 -- H.D. Thoreau 42049% 42050The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being 42051as his Father, in the womb of a virgin will be classified with the fable of 42052the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter. But we may hope that the 42053dawn of reason and freedom of thought in these United States will do away with 42054this artificial scaffolding and restore to us the primitive and genuine 42055doctrines of this most venerated Reformer of human errors. 42056 -- Thomas Jefferson 42057% 42058The days are all empty and the nights are unreal. 42059% 42060The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction 42061to a tedious book. 42062% 42063The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of us 42064who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching Charlie 42065Chaplin trying to cook a shoe. 42066% 42067The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary? 42068% 42069The decision doesn't have to be logical; it was unanimous. 42070% 42071The default Magic Word, "Abracadabra", actually is a corruption of the 42072Hebrew phrase "ha-Bracha dab'ra" which means "pronounce the blessing". 42073% 42074The degree of civilization in a society 42075can be judged by entering its prisons. 42076 -- F. Dostoyevski 42077% 42078The degree of technical confidence is inversely 42079proportional to the level of management. 42080% 42081The denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the hygiene of older 42082people, and greatly assists in the circulation of the blood. 42083 -- Logan Pearsall Smith 42084% 42085The departing division general manager met a last time with his young 42086successor and gave him three envelopes. "My predecessor did this for me, 42087and I'll pass the tradition along to you," he said. "At the first sign 42088of trouble, open the first envelope. Any further difficulties, open the 42089second envelope. Then, if problems continue, open the third envelope. 42090Good luck." The new manager returned to his office and tossed the envelopes 42091into a drawer. 42092 Six months later, costs soared and earnings plummeted. Shaken, the 42093young man opened the first envelope, which said, "Blame it all on me." 42094 The next day, he held a press conference and did just that. The 42095crisis passed. 42096 Six months later, sales dropped precipitously. The beleagured 42097manager opened the second envelope. It said, "Reorganize." 42098 He held another press conference, announcing that the division 42099would be restructured. The crisis passed. 42100 A year later, everything went wrong at once and the manager was 42101blamed for all of it. The harried executive closed his office door, sank 42102into his chair, and opened the third envelope. 42103 "Prepare three envelopes..." it said. 42104% 42105The descent to Hades is the same from every place. 42106 -- Anaxagoras 42107% 42108The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose. 42109 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" 42110% 42111The devil finds work for idle circuits to do. 42112% 42113The devil finds work for idle glands. 42114% 42115The die is cast. 42116 -- Gaius Julius Caesar 42117% 42118The difference between a career and a job is about 20 hours a week. 42119% 42120The difference between a good haircut and a bad one is seven days. 42121% 42122The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is 42123exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal. 42124 -- Mark Twain 42125% 42126The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell into 42127the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, 42128it would be a calamity. 42129 -- Benjamin Disraeli 42130% 42131The difference between America and England is, the English think 100 42132miles is a long distance and the Americans think 100 years is a long time. 42133% 42134The difference between art and science is that science is what we 42135understand well enough to explain to a computer. Art is everything else. 42136 -- Donald Knuth, "Discover" 42137% 42138The difference between common-sense and paranoia is that common-sense is 42139thinking everyone is out to get you. That's normal -- they are. Paranoia 42140is thinking that they're conspiring. 42141 -- J. Kegler 42142% 42143The difference between dogs and cats is that dogs come when they're 42144called. Cats take a message and get back to you. 42145% 42146The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits. 42147% 42148The difference between legal separation and divorce is 42149that legal separation gives the man time to hide his money. 42150% 42151The difference between reality and unreality 42152is that reality has so little to recommend it. 42153 -- Allan Sherman 42154% 42155The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science 42156requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship. 42157 -- Robert Heinlein 42158% 42159The difference between sentiment and being sentimental is the following: 42160Sentiment is when a driver swerves out of the way to avoid hitting a 42161rabbit on the road. Being sentimental is when the same driver, when 42162swerving away from the rabbit hits a pedestrian. 42163 -- Frank Herbert, "The White Plague" 42164% 42165The difference between sentiment and sentimentality is easy to see. When 42166you avoid killing somebody's pet on the glazeway, that's sentiment. If you 42167swerve to avoid the pet and that causes you to kill pedestrians, THAT is 42168sentimentality. 42169 -- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune" 42170% 42171The difference between the right word and the almost right word 42172is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug. 42173 -- Mark Twain 42174% 42175The difference between this place and yogurt 42176is that yogurt has a live culture. 42177% 42178The difference between us is not very far, 42179cruising for burgers in daddy's new car. 42180% 42181The difference between waltzes and disco is mostly one of volume. 42182 -- T.K. 42183% 42184The difficult we do today; the impossible takes a little longer. 42185% 42186The dirty work at political conventions is almost always done in 42187the grim hours between midnight and dawn. Hangmen and politicians 42188work best when the human spirit is at its lowest ebb. 42189 -- Russell Baker 42190% 42191The discerning person is always at a disadvantage. 42192% 42193The disks are getting full; purge a file today. 42194% 42195The distinction between Freedom and Liberty is not accurately known; 42196naturalists have been unable to find a living specimen of either. 42197 -- Ambrose Bierce 42198% 42199The distinction between true and false appears to become 42200increasingly blurred by... the pollution of the language. 42201 -- Arne Tiselius 42202% 42203The divinity of Jesus is made a convenient cover for absurdity. Nowhere in 42204the Gospels do we find a precept for Creeds, Confessions, Oaths, Doctrines, 42205and whole carloads of other foolish trumpery that we find in Christianity. 42206 -- John Adams 42207% 42208The door is the key. 42209% 42210The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show off 42211this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his next 42212hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the duck fell, 42213the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the duck and returned 42214it to his master. 42215 "Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly. 42216 "Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't swim." 42217% 42218The duration of passion is proportionate with the original resistance 42219of the woman. 42220 -- Honore DeBalzac 42221% 42222The eagle may soar, but the weasel never gets sucked into a jet engine. 42223% 42224The early bird gets the coffee left over from the night before. 42225% 42226The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late 42227and owns the worm farm. 42228 -- Travis McGee 42229% 42230The early worm gets the bird. 42231% 42232The early worm gets the late bird. 42233% 42234The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier. 42235% 42236"The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly 42237teaches me to suspect that my own is also." 42238 42239"I would not interfere with any one's religion, either to strengthen it 42240or to weaken it. I am not able to believe one's religion can affect his 42241hereafter one way or the other, no matter what that religion may be. 42242But it may easily be a great comfort to him in this life -- hence it is a 42243valuable posession to him." 42244 42245"I do not see how eternal punishment hereafter could accomplish any good 42246end, therefore I am not able to believe in it. To chasten a man in order 42247to perfect him might be reasonable enough; to annihilate him when he shall 42248have proved himself incapable of reaching perfection mught be reasonable 42249enough; but to roast him forever for the mere satisfaction of seeing him 42250roast would not be reasonable -- even the atrocious God imagined by the Jews 42251would tire of the spectacle eventually." 42252 -- Mark Twain 42253% 42254The egg cream is psychologically the opposite of circumcision -- it 42255*pleasurably* reaffirms your Jewishness. 42256 -- Mel Brooks 42257% 42258The elder gods went to Yuggoth, and all you got was this lousy fortune. 42259% 42260The Encyclopaedia Galactica defines a robot as a mechanical apparatus designed 42261to do the work of a man. The marketing division of Sirius Cybernetics 42262Corporation defines a robot as 'Your Plastic Pal Who's Fun To Be With'. 42263The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy defines the marketing division of the 42264Sirius Cybernetics Corporation as 'a bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the 42265first against the wall when the revolution comes', with a footnote to effect 42266that the editors would welcome applications from anyone interested in taking 42267over the post of robotics correspondent. 42268 Curiously enough, an edition of the Encyclopaedia Galactica that 42269had the good fortune to fall through a time warp from a thousand years in 42270the future defined the marketing division of the Sirius Cybernetics 42271Corporation as 'a bunch of mindless jerks who were the first against the 42272wall when the revolution came'. 42273% 42274The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun. 42275 -- Buckminster Fuller 42276% 42277The end of labor is to gain leisure. 42278% 42279The end of the world will occur at three p.m., this Friday, 42280with symposium to follow. 42281% 42282The ends justify the means. 42283 -- after Matthew Prior 42284% 42285The energy produced by the breaking down of the atom is a very poor kind 42286of thing. Anyone who expects a source of power from the transformation 42287of these atoms is talking moonshine. 42288 -- Ernest Rutherford, after he had split the atom for 42289 the first time 42290% 42291The English country gentleman galloping after a fox -- the unspeakable 42292in full pursuit of the uneatable. 42293 -- Oscar Wilde, "A Woman of No Importance" 42294% 42295The English have no respect for their language, 42296and will not teach their children to speak it. 42297 -- G.B. Shaw 42298% 42299The English instinctively admire any man 42300who has no talent and is modest about it. 42301 -- James Agate, British film and drama critic 42302% 42303The entire work force of the Communist countries is sunjected to periodic 42304purges (called verifications in Newspeak). One of the most severe took 42305place in 1957 when Novotny, rattled by the Hungarian Revolution the year 42306before, tried hard to weed out "radishes" (red outside, white inside) from 42307all but insignificant positions. Any one of the following would often 42308result in the loss of one's job: Bourgeois or Jewish family background, 42309relatives abroad, contacts with former capitalists, having lived in a 42310Western country, insufficient knowledge of Communist literature, and others. 42311 42312 A man is interviewed by a "Verification Committee." 42313 "What kind of family do you come from?" 42314 "A rich, Jewish family." 42315 "And your wife?" 42316 "A German aristocrat." 42317 "Have you ever been to the West?" 42318 "I spent most of my life in England." 42319 "How did you make a living there?" 42320 "A friend supported me." 42321 "Where did you get the money from?" 42322 "He owned a textile factory." 42323 "Who was Lenin?" 42324 "Never heard of him." 42325 "What is your name?" 42326 "Karl Marx." 42327% 42328[The ERA] encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, 42329practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians. 42330 -- Pat Robertson, Man of God and serious Republican 42331 presidential aspirant. 42332% 42333The error of youth is to believe that intelligence is a substitute 42334for experience, while the error of age is to believe experience is 42335a substitute for intelligence. 42336 -- Lyman Bryson 42337% 42338The eternal feminine draws us upward. 42339 -- Goethe 42340% 42341The executioner is, I hear, very expert, and my neck is very slender. 42342 -- Anne Boleyn 42343% 42344The explanation requiring the fewest assumptions 42345is the most likely to be correct. 42346 -- William of Occam 42347% 42348The eye is a menace to clear sight, the ear is a menace to subtle hearing, 42349the mind is a menace to wisdom, every organ of the senses is a menace to its 42350own capacity. ... Fuss, the god of the Southern Ocean, and Fret, the god 42351of the Northern Ocean, happened once to meet in the realm of Chaos, the god 42352of the center. Chaos treated them very handsomely and they discussed together 42353what they could do to repay his kindness. They had noticed that, whereas 42354everyone else had seven apertures, for sight, hearing, eating, breathing and 42355so on, Chaos had none. So they decided to make the experiment of boring holes 42356in him. Every day they bored a hole, and on the seventh day, Chaos died. 42357 -- Chuang Tzu 42358% 42359The eyes of taxes are upon you. 42360% 42361The eyes of Texas are upon you, 42362All the livelong day; 42363The eyes of Texas are upon you, 42364You cannot get away; 42365Do not think you can escape them 42366From night 'til early in the morn; 42367The eyes of Texas are upon you 42368'Til Gabriel blows his horn. 42369 -- University of Texas' school song 42370% 42371The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence that it is not 42372utterly absurd; indeed, in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind, 42373a widespread belief is more often likely to be foolish than sensible. 42374 -- Bertrand Russell, in "Marriage and Morals", 1929 42375% 42376The fact that hitler was a politcal genius unmasks the nature of politics 42377in general as no other can. 42378 -- Wilhelm Reich 42379% 42380The fact that it works is immaterial. 42381 -- L. Ogborn 42382% 42383The fact that people are poor or discriminated against doesn't necessarily 42384endow them with any special qualities of justice, nobility, charity or 42385compassion. 42386 -- Saul Alinsky 42387% 42388The famous politician was trying to save both his faces. 42389% 42390The farther you go, the less you know. 42391 -- Lao Tsu, "Tao Te Ching" 42392% 42393The fashion wears out more apparel than the man. 42394 -- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing" 42395% 42396The fashionable drawing rooms of London have always been happy to accept 42397outsiders -- if only on their own, albeit undemanding terms. That is to 42398say, artists, so long as they are not too talented, men of humble birth, 42399so long as they have since amassed several million pounds, and socialists 42400so long as they are Tories. 42401 -- Christopher Booker 42402% 42403The faster I go, the behinder I get. 42404 -- Lewis Carroll 42405% 42406The Fastest Defeat In Chess 42407 The big name for us in the world of chess is Gibaud, a French chess 42408master. 42409 In Paris during 1924 he was beaten after only four moves by a 42410Monsieur Lazard. Happily for posterity, the moves are recorded and so 42411chess enthusiasts may reconstruct this magnificent collapse in the comfort 42412of their own homes. 42413 Lazard was black and Gibaud white: 42414 1: P-Q4, Kt-KB3 42415 2: Kt-Q2, P-K4 42416 3: PxP, Kt-Kt5 42417 4: P-K6, Kt-K6/ 42418 White then resigns on realizing that a fifth move would involve 42419either a Q-KR5 check or the loss of his queen. 42420 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 42421% 42422The father, passing through his son's college town late one evening on a 42423business trip, thought he would pay his boy a suprise visit. Arriving at the 42424lad's fraternity house, dad rapped loudly on the door. After several minutes 42425of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second-floor window, 42426 "Whaddaya want?" 42427 "Does Ramsey Duncan live here?" asked the father. 42428 "Yeah," replied the voice. "Dump him on the front porch." 42429% 42430The feeling persists that no one can simultaneously be a respectable writer 42431and understand how a refrigerator works, just as no gentleman wears a brown 42432suit in the city. Colleges may be to blame. English majors are encouraged, 42433I know, to hate chemistry and physics, and to be proud because they are not 42434dull and creepy and humorless and war-oriented like the engineers across the 42435quad. And our most impressive critics have commonly been such English majors, 42436and they are squeamish about technology to this very day. So it is natural 42437for them to despise science fiction. 42438 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Science Fiction" 42439% 42440The fellow sat down at a bar, ordered a drink and asked the bartender if he 42441wanted to hear a dumb-jock joke. 42442 "Hey, buddy," the bartender replied, "you see those two guys next to 42443you? They used to be with the Chicago Bears. The two dudes behind you made 42444the U.S. Olympic wrestling team. And for you information, I used to play 42445center at Notre Dame." 42446 "Forget it," the customer said. "I don't want to explain it five 42447times." 42448% 42449"The feminist agenda," Pat Robertson observed in a recent letter to his 42450supporters, "is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, 42451anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their 42452husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism 42453and become lesbians." 42454% 42455The Fifth Rule: 42456 You have taken yourself too seriously. 42457% 42458The final delusion is the belief that one has lost all delusions. 42459 -- Maurice Chapelain, "Main courante" 42460% 42461The finest eloquence is that which gets things done. 42462% 42463The first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time, 42464the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time. 42465% 42466The first and almost the only Book deserving of universal attention is 42467the Bible. 42468 -- John Quincy Adams 42469 42470All the good from the Saviour of the world is communicated through this Book; 42471but for the Book we could not know right from wrong. All the things desirable 42472to man are contained in it. 42473 -- Abraham Lincoln 42474 42475... the Bible ... is the one supreme source of revelation of the meaning of 42476life, the nature of God and spirtual nature and need of men. It is the only 42477guide of life which really leads the spirit in the way of peace and salvation. 42478 -- Woodrow Wilson 42479% 42480The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it. 42481 -- Abbie Hoffman 42482% 42483The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King 42484Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a tragic 42485death. He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad forks. 42486Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously fled the city, 42487complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of threatening notes left on his 42488breakfast tray. At the time, this looked suspicious what with his father's 42489death, and Carotene was suspected of foul play. Then the rest of the King's 42490relatives began to drop dead one after the other in an odd fashion. Some 42491were found strangled with dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning. A 42492few were found drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants 42493unknown and beaten to death with a pot roast. At least three appear to have 42494thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture of 42495grief over the King's untimely end. Finally there was no one left in Minas 42496Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed crown, and 42497the rule of Twodor was up for grabs. The scullery slave Parrafin bravely 42498accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when a lineal descendant 42499of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful throne, conquer Twodor's 42500enemies, and revamp the postal system. 42501 -- Bored of the Rings, "Harvard Lampoon" 42502% 42503The first guy that rats gets a bellyful of slugs in the head. Understand? 42504 -- Joey Glimco, trade unionist 42505% 42506The first guy that rats gets a belly-full of slugs in the head. 42507Understand? 42508 -- Joey Glimco 42509% 42510The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half 42511by our children. 42512 -- Clarence Darrow 42513% 42514The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, 42515and the second half by our children. 42516 -- Clarence Darrow 42517% 42518The first marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence, 42519and the second the triumph of hope over experience. 42520% 42521The first myth of management is that it exists. 42522% 42523The first requisite for immortality is death. 42524 -- Stanislaw Lem 42525% 42526The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish child, 42527was propounded to me by my father: 42528 42529 "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and whistles?" 42530I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity gave up. 42531 "A herring," said my father. 42532 "A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!" 42533 "So hang it there." 42534 "But a herring isn't green!" I protested. 42535 "Paint it." 42536 "But a herring isn't wet." 42537 "If it's just painted it's still wet." 42538 "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, 42539 "a herring doesn't whistle!!" 42540 "Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it hard." 42541 -- Leo Rosten 42542% 42543The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist "Jack." 42544 -- H.L. Mencken 42545% 42546The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. 42547 -- Ehrlich 42548% 42549The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. 42550 -- Paul Erlich 42551% 42552The First Rule of Program Optimization: 42553 Don't do it. 42554 42555The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!): 42556 Don't do it yet. 42557 -- Michael Jackson 42558% 42559The first thing I do in the morning 42560is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue. 42561 -- Dorothy Parker 42562% 42563The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers. 42564 -- Wm. Shakespeare, "Henry VI", Part IV 42565% 42566The first version always gets thrown away. 42567% 42568The five rules of Socialism: 42569 42570 1. Don't think. 42571 2. If you do think, don't speak. 42572 3. If you think and speak, don't write. 42573 4. If you think, speak and write, don't sign. 42574 5. If you think, speak, write and sign, don't be surprised. 42575 42576 -- being told in Poland, 1987 42577% 42578...the flaw that makes perfection perfect. 42579% 42580The flow chart is a most thoroughly oversold piece of program documentation. 42581 -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month" 42582% 42583The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization. 42584 -- Alan Coult 42585% 42586The following statement is not true. 42587The previous statement is true. 42588% 42589The Following Subsume All Physical and Human Laws: 42590 42591 1. You can't push on a string. 42592 2. Ain't no free lunches. 42593 3. Them as has, gets. 42594 4. You can't win them all, but you sure as hell can lose them all. 42595% 42596The Force is what holds everything together. 42597It has its dark side, and it has its light side. 42598It's sort of like cosmic duct tape. 42599% 42600The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money 42601completely surrounded by people who want some. 42602 -- Dwight MacDonald 42603% 42604The forest is safe because a lion lives therein and the lion is safe 42605because it lives in a forest. Likewise the friendship of persons 42606rests on mutual help. 42607 -- Laukikanyay. 42608% 42609The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions 42610and by a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities. 42611% 42612The founding fathers tried to set up a judicial system where the accused 42613received a fair trial, not a system to insure an acquittal on technicalities. 42614% 42615The founding fathers tried to set up a system where a man got a fair 42616trial, not a system to get let him get off on technicalities. 42617% 42618The fountain code has been tightened slightly so you can no longer dip 42619objects into a fountain or drink from one while you are floating in mid-air 42620due to levitation. 42621 Teleporting to hell via a teleportation trap will no longer occur 42622if the character does not have fire resistance. 42623 -- README file from the NetHack game 42624% 42625[The French Riviera is] a sunny place for shady people. 42626 -- Somerset Maugham 42627% 42628The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the 42629number of your kids by thirty-two teeth. 42630% 42631The full potentialities of human fury cannot be reached until a friend 42632of both parties tactfully interferes. 42633 -- G.K. Chesterton 42634% 42635The function of the expert is not to be more right than other people, 42636but to be wrong for more sophisticated reasons. 42637 -- Dr. David Butler, British psephologist 42638% 42639The future is a myth created by insurance 42640salesmen and high school counselors. 42641% 42642The future is a race between education and catastrophe. 42643 -- H.G. Wells 42644% 42645The future isn't what it used to be. (It never was.) 42646% 42647The future lies ahead. 42648% 42649The future not being born, my friend, 42650we will abstain from baptizing it. 42651 -- George Meredith 42652% 42653The garden is in mourning; 42654The rain falls cool among the flowers. 42655Summer shivers quietly 42656On its way towards its end. 42657 42658Golden leaf after leaf 42659Falls from the tall acacia. 42660Summer smiles, astonished, feeble, 42661In this dying dream of a garden. 42662 42663For a long while, yet, in the roses, 42664She will linger on, yearning for peace, 42665And slowly 42666Close her weary eyes. 42667 -- Hermann Hesse, "September" 42668% 42669The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance. 42670% 42671The genius of our ruling class is that it has kept a majority of the 42672people from ever questioning the inequity of a system where most people 42673drudge along paying heavy taxes for which they get nothing in return. 42674 -- Gore Vidal 42675% 42676The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep. 42677% 42678The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness. 42679% 42680The girl who remembers her first kiss now has a daughter who can't even 42681remember her first husband. 42682% 42683The girl who stoops to conquer usually wears a low-cut dress. 42684% 42685The girl who swears no one has ever made love to her has a right to swear. 42686 -- Sophia Loren 42687% 42688The glances over cocktails 42689That seemed to be so sweet 42690Don't seem quite so amorous 42691Over Shredded Wheat 42692% 42693The goal of Computer Science is to build something 42694that will at least last until we've finished building it. 42695% 42696The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. 42697The goal of nature is to build better mice. 42698% 42699The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. 42700They gave him love and he invented marriage. 42701% 42702The Golden Rule is of no use to you whatever unless you realize it 42703is your move. 42704 -- Frank Crane 42705% 42706The Golden Rule of Arts and Sciences: 42707 He who has the gold makes the rules. 42708% 42709The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got 42710to be good. 42711 -- John Barrymore 42712% 42713The good (I am convinced, for one) 42714Is but the bad one leaves undone. 42715Once your reputation's done 42716You can live a life of fun. 42717 -- Wilhelm Busch 42718% 42719The good life was so elusive 42720It really got me down 42721I had to regain some confidence 42722So I got into camaflouge 42723% 42724The good time is approaching, 42725The season is at hand. 42726When the merry click of the two-base lick 42727Will be heard throughout the land. 42728The frost still lingers on the earth, and 42729Budless are the trees. 42730But the merry ring of the voice of spring 42731Is borne upon the breeze. 42732 -- Ode to Opening Day, "The Sporting News", 1886 42733% 42734The Gordian Maxim: 42735If a string has one end, it has another. 42736% 42737The government has just completed work on a missile that turned out 42738to be a bit of a boondoggle; nicknamed "Civil Servant", it won't work 42739and they can't fire it. 42740% 42741The Government just announced today the creation of the Neutron Bomb II. 42742Similar to the Neutron Bomb, the Neutron Bomb II not only kills people 42743and leaves buildings standing, but also does a little light housekeeping. 42744% 42745The government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the 42746Christian Religion 42747 -- George Washington 42748% 42749The government was contemplating the dispatch of an expedition to Burma, 42750with a view to taking Rangoon, and a question arose as to who would be the 42751fittest general to be sent in command of the expedition. The Cabinet sent 42752for the Duke of Wellington, and asked his advice. He instantly replied, 42753"Send Lord Combermere." 42754 "But we have always understood that your Grace thought Lord 42755Combermere a fool." 42756 "So he is a fool, and a damned fool; but he can take Rangoon." 42757 -- G.W.E. Russell 42758% 42759The goys have proven the following theorem... 42760 -- Physicist John von Neumann, at the start of a classroom 42761 lecture. 42762% 42763The grass is always greener on the other side of your sunglasses. 42764% 42765The grave's a fine and private place, 42766but none, I think, do there embrace. 42767 -- Andrew Marvell 42768% 42769The graveyards are full of indispensable men. 42770 -- Charles de Gaulle 42771% 42772The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog: 42773 The Gerat Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in courtship, 42774 his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk clerks. 42775 Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods of 42776 time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp 42777 Hedgehog Eater. 42778 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 42779% 42780The great merit of society is to make one appreciate solitude. 42781 -- Charles Chincholles, "Reflections on the Art of Life" 42782% 42783The Great Movie Posters: 42784 42785*A Giggle Gurgling Gulp of Glee* 42786With Pretty Girls, Peppy Scenes, and Gorgeous Revues -- plus a good story. 42787 -- Tea with a Kick (1924) 42788 42789Whoopie! Let's go!... Hand-picked Beauties doing cute tricks! 42790GET IN THE KNOW FOR THE HEY-HEY WHOOPIE! 42791 -- The Wild Party (1929) 42792 42793YOU HEAR HIM MAKE LOVE! 42794DIX -- the dashing soldier! 42795 DIX -- the bold adventurer! 42796 DIX -- the throbbing lover! 42797 -- The Wheel of Life (1929) 42798 42799SEE CHARLES BUTTERWORTH DRIVE A STREETCAR AND SING LOVE 42800SONGS TO HIS MARE "MITZIE"! 42801 -- The Night is Young (1934) 42802% 42803The Great Movie Posters: 42804 42805A mis-spawned murderous abomination from the nether reaches of an 42806unimaginable hell. 42807 -- The Killer of Castle Brood (1967) 42808 42809NEW -- SICKENING HORROR to make your STOMACH TURN and FLESH CRAWL! 42810 -- Frankenstein's Bloody Terror (1968) 42811 42812LUST-MAD MEN AND LAWLESS WOMEN IN A VICIOUS AND SENTUOUS ORGY OF 42813SLAUGHTER! 42814 -- Five Bloody Graves (1969) 42815 42816The family that slays together stays together. 42817 -- Bloody Mama (1970) 42818% 42819The Great Movie Posters: 42820 42821An AVALANCHE of KILLER WORMS! 42822 -- Squirm (1976) 42823 42824Most Movies Live Less Than Two Hours. 42825This Is One of Everlasting Torment! 42826 -- The New House on the Left (1977) 42827 42828WE ARE GOING TO EAT YOU! 42829 -- Zombie (1980) 42830 42831It's not human and it's got an axe. 42832 -- The Prey (1981) 42833% 42834The Great Movie Posters: 42835 42836Different! Daring! Dynamic! Defying! Dumbfounding! 42837SEE Uncle Tom lead the Negroes to FREEDOM! 42838... Now, all the SENSUAL and VIOLENT passions Roots couldn't show on TV! 42839 -- Uncle Tom's Cabin (1972) 42840 42841An appalling amalgam of carnage and carnality! 42842 -- Flesh and Blood Show (1973) 42843 42844WHEN THE CATS ARE HUNGRY... 42845RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! 42846Alone, only a harmless pet... 42847 One Thousand Strong, They Become a Man-Eating Machine! 42848 -- The Night of a Thousand Cats (1972) 42849 42850They're Over-Exposed 42851But Not Under-Developed! 42852 -- Cover Girl Models (1976) 42853% 42854The Great Movie Posters: 42855 42856HOODLUMS FROM ANOTHER WORLD ON A RAY-GUN RAMPAGE! 42857 -- Teenagers from Outher Space (1959) 42858 42859Which will be Her Mate... MAN OR BEAST? 42860Meet Velda -- the Kind of Woman -- Man or Gorilla would kill... to Keep. 42861 -- Untamed Mistress (1960) 42862 42863NOW AN ALL-MIGHTY ALL-NEW MOTION PICTURE BRINGS THEM TOGETHER FOR THE 42864FIRST TIME... HISTORY'S MOST GIGANTIC MONSTERS IN COMBAT ATOP MOUNT FUJI! 42865 -- King Kong vs. Godzilla (1963) 42866% 42867The Great Movie Posters: 42868 42869HOT STEEL BETWEEN THEIR LEGS! 42870 -- The Cycle Savages (1969) 42871 42872The Hand that Rocks the Cradle... Has no Flesh on It! 42873 42874 -- Who Slew Auntie Roo? (1971) 42875 42876TWO GREAT BLOOD HORRORS TO RIP OUT YOUR GUTS! 42877 -- I Eat Your Skin & I Drink Your Blood (1971 double-bill) 42878 42879They Went In People and Came Out Hamburger! 42880 -- The Corpse Grinders (1971) 42881% 42882The Great Movie Posters: 42883 42884KATHERINE HEPBURN as the lying, stealing, singing, preying witch girl 42885of the Ozarks... "Low down white trash"? Maybe so -- but let her hear 42886you say it and she'll break your head to prove herself a lady! 42887 -- Spitfire (1934) 42888 42889Do Native Women Live With Apes? 42890 -- Love Life of a Gorilla (1937) 42891 42892JUNGLE KISS!! 42893 When she looked into his eyes, felt his arms around her -- she 42894was no longer Tura, mysterious white goddess of the jungle tribes -- 42895she was no longer the frozen-harted high priestess under whose hypnotic 42896spell the worshippers of the great crocodile god meekly bowed -- she 42897was a girl in love! 42898 SEE the ravening charge of the hundred scared CROCODILES! 42899 -- Her Jungle Love (1938) 42900 42901LOVE! HATE! JOY! FEAR! TORMENT! PANIC! SHAME! RAGE! 42902 -- Intermezzo (1939) 42903% 42904The Great Movie Posters: 42905 42906POWERFUL! SHOCKING! RAW! ROUGH! CHALLENGING! SEE A LITTLE GIRL MOLESTED! 42907 -- Never Take Candy from a Stranger (1963) 42908 42909She Sins in Mobile -- 42910Marries in Houston -- 42911Loses Her Baby in Dallas -- 42912Leaves Her Husband in Tuscon -- 42913MEETS HARRU IN SAN DIEGO!... 42914FIRST -- HARLOW! 42915THEN -- MONROE! 42916NOW -- McCLANAHAN!!! 42917 -- The Rotton Apple (1963), Rue McClanahan 42918 42919*NOT FOR SISSIES! DON'T COME IF YOU'RE CHICKEN! 42920A Horrifying Movie of Wierd Beauties and Shocking Monsters... 429211001 WIERDEST SCENES EVER!! MOST SHOCKING THRILLER OF THE CENTURY! 42922 -- Teenage Psycho meets Bloody Mary (1964) (Alternate Title: 42923 The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and 42924 Became Mixed Up Zombies) 42925% 42926The Great Movie Posters: 42927 42928SCENES THAT WILL STAGGER YOUR SIGHT! 42929-- DANCING CALLED GO-GO 42930-- MUSIC CALLED JU-JU 42931-- NARCOTICS CALLED BANGI! 42932-- FIRES OF PUBERTY! 42933 SEE the burning of a virgin! 42934 SEE power of witch doctor over women! 42935 SEE pygmies with fantastic Physical Endowments!!! 42936 -- Kwaheri (1965) 42937 42938The Big Comedy of Nineteen-Sexty-Sex! 42939 -- Boeing-Boeing (1965) 42940 42941AN ASTRONAUT WENT UP- 42942A "GUESS WHAT" CAME DOWN! 42943 The picture that comes complete with a 10-foot tall monster to 42944give you the wim-wams! 42945 -- Monster a Go-Go (1965) 42946% 42947The Great Movie Posters: 42948 42949SEE rebel guerrillas torn apart by trucks! 42950SEE corpses cut to pieces and fed to dogs and vultures! 42951SEE the monkey trained to perform nursing duties for her paralyzed owner! 42952 -- Sweet and Savage (1983) 42953 42954What a Guy! What a Gal! What a Pair! 42955 -- Stroker Ace (1983) 42956 42957It's always better when you come again! 42958 -- Porky's II: The Next Day (1983) 42959 42960You Don't Have to Go to Texas for a Chainsaw Massacre! 42961 -- Pieces (1983) 42962% 42963The Great Movie Posters: 42964 42965SHE TOOK ON A WHOLE GANG! A howling hellcat humping a hot steel hog 42966on a roaring rampage of revenge! 42967 -- Bury Me an Angel (1972) 42968 42969WHAT'S THE SECRET INGREDIENT USED BY THE MAD BUTCHER FOR HIS SUPERB 42970SAUSAGES? 42971 -- Meat is Meat (1972) 42972 42973TODAY the Pond! 42974TOMORROW the World! 42975 -- Frogs (1972) 42976% 42977The Great Movie Posters: 42978 42979She's got the biggest six-shooters in the West! 42980 -- The Beautiful Blonde from Bashful Bend (1949) 42981 42982CAST OF 3,000! 429834 WRITERS, 429842 DIRECTORS, 429853 CAMERAMEN, 429863 PRODUCERS! 429871 YEAR TO MAKE THIS FILM -- 4298824 YEARS TO REHEARSE -- 4298920 YEARS TO DISTRIBUTE! 42990 BEAUTIFUL BEYOND WORDS! 42991 AWE-INSPIRING! VITAL! 42992THE PRINCE OF PEACE PROVIDES THE ANSWER TO EVERY PROBLEM! 42993Be Brave-bring your troubles and your family to: 42994 HISTORY'S MOST SUBLIME EVENT! YOU'LL FIND GOD RIGHT IN THERE! 42995 -- The Prince of Peace (1948). Starring members of the 42996 Wichita Mountain Pageant featuring Millard Coody as Jesus. 42997% 42998The Great Movie Posters: 42999 43000The Miracle of the Age!!! A LION in your lap! A LOVER in your arms! 43001 -- Bwana Devil (1952) 43002 43003OVERWHELMING! ELECTRIFYING! BAFFLING! 43004Fire Can't Burn Them! Bullets Can't Kill Them! See the Unfolding of 43005the Mysteries of the Moon as Murderous Robot Monsters Descend Upon the 43006Earth! You've Never Seen Anything Like It! Neither Has the World! 43007 SEE... Robots from Space in All Their Glory!!! 43008 -- Robot Monster (1953) 43009 430101,965 pyramids, 5,337 dancing girls, one million swaying bullrushes, 43011802 scared bulls! 43012 -- The Egyptian (1954) 43013% 43014The Great Movie Posters: 43015 43016The nightmare terror of the slithering eye that unleashed agonizing 43017horror on a screaming world! 43018 -- The Crawling Eye (1958) 43019 43020SEE a female colossus... her mountainous torso, scyscraper limbs, 43021giant desires! 43022 -- Attack of the Fifty-Foot Woman (1958) 43023 43024Here Is Your Chance To Know More About Sex. 43025What Should a Movie Do? Hide It's Head in the Sand Like an Ostrich? 43026Or Face the JOLTING TRUTH as does... 43027 -- The Desperate Women (1958) 43028% 43029The Great Movie Posters: 43030 43031They hungered for her treasure! And died for her pleasure! 43032SEE Man-Fish Battle Shark-Man-Killer! 43033 -- The Golden Mistress (1954) 43034 43035See Jane Russell in 3-D; She'll Knock Both Your Eyes Out! 43036 -- The French Line (1954) 43037 43038See Jane Russell Shake Her Tamborines... and Drive Cornel WILDE! 43039 -- Hot Blood (1956) 43040% 43041The Great Movie Posters: 43042 43043When You're Six Tons -- And They Call You Killer -- It's Hard To Make 43044Friends... 43045 -- Namu, the Killer Whale (1966) 43046 43047Meet the Girls with the Thermo-Nuclear Navels! 43048 -- Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs (1966) 43049 43050A GHASTLY TALE DRENCHED WITH GOUTS OF BLOOD SPURTING FROM THE VICTIMS 43051OF A CRAZED MADMAN'S LUST. 43052 -- A Taste of Blood (1967) 43053% 43054The great nations have always acted like gangsters and the small nations 43055like prostitutes. 43056 -- Stanley Kubrick 43057% 43058The great question that has never been answered and which I have not 43059yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the 43060feminine soul is: WHAT DOES A WOMAN WANT? 43061 -- Sigmund Freud 43062% 43063The great secret in life ... [is] not to open your letters for a fortnight. 43064At the expiration of that period you will find that nearly all of them have 43065answered themselves. 43066 -- Arthur Binstead 43067% 43068The greatest disloyalty one can offer to great pioneers 43069is to refuse to move an inch from where they stood. 43070% 43071The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves. 43072 -- Sophocles 43073% 43074The greatest joy a man can know is to conquer his enemies and drive them 43075before him. To ride their horses and take away their possessions. To see 43076the faces of those who were dear to them bedewed with tears, and to clasp 43077their wives and daughters to his arms. 43078 -- Genghis Khan 43079% 43080The greatest love is a mother's, then a dog's, then a sweetheart's. 43081 -- Polish proverb 43082% 43083The Greatest Mathematical Error 43084 The Mariner I space probe was launched from Cape Canaveral on 28 43085July 1962 towards Venus. After 13 minutes' flight a booster engine would 43086give acceleration up to 25,820 mph; after 44 minutes 9,800 solar cells 43087would unfold; after 80 days a computer would calculate the final course 43088corrections and after 100 days the craft would cirlce the unknown planet, 43089scanning the mysterious cloud in which it is bathed. 43090 However, with an efficiency that is truly heartening, Mariner I 43091plunged into the Atlantic Ocean only four minutes after takeoff. 43092 Inquiries later revealed that a minus sign had been omitted from 43093the instructions fed into the computer. "It was human error", a launch 43094spokesman said. 43095 This minus sign cost L4,280,000. 43096 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 43097% 43098The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none. 43099% 43100The greatest productive force is human selfishness. 43101 -- Robert Heinlein 43102% 43103The greatest remedy for anger is delay. 43104% 43105The groundhog is like most other prophets; 43106it delivers its message and then disappears. 43107% 43108The happiest time in any man's life is just after the first divorce. 43109 -- Galbraith 43110% 43111The happiest time of a person's life is after his first divorce. 43112 -- J.K. Galbraith 43113% 43114The hardest part of climbing the ladder of 43115success is getting through the crowd at the bottom. 43116% 43117The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax. 43118 -- Albert Einstein 43119% 43120The hardest thing is to disguise your feelings when 43121you put a lot of relatives on the train for home. 43122% 43123The hater of property and of government takes care to have his warranty 43124deed recorded, and the book written against fame and learning has the 43125author's name on the title page. 43126 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1831 43127% 43128The hatred of relatives is the most violent. 43129 -- Tacitus (c.55 - c.117) 43130% 43131The health of a democratic society may be measured by the quality 43132of functions performed by private citizens. 43133 -- Alexis de Tocqueville 43134% 43135The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom 43136whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, nohow. 43137% 43138The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of. 43139 -- Blaise Pascal 43140% 43141The heart is wiser than the intellect. 43142% 43143...the heat come 'round and busted me for smiling on a cloudy day. 43144% 43145The heaviest object in the world is the 43146body of the woman you have ceased to love. 43147 -- Marquis de Lac de Clapiers Vauvenargues 43148% 43149The Heineken Uncertainty Principle: 43150 You can never be sure how many beers you had last night. 43151% 43152"The hell with the prime directive! Let's kill something!" 43153% 43154The help people need most urgently is 43155help in admitting that they need help. 43156% 43157The herd instinct among economists 43158makes sheep look like independent thinkers. 43159% 43160The heroic hours of life do not announce their presence by drum and trumpet, 43161challenging us to be true to ourselves by appeals to the martial spirit that 43162keeps the blood at heat. Some little, unassuming, unobtrusive choice presents 43163itself before us slyly and craftily, glib and insinuating, in the modest garb 43164of innocence. To yield to its blandishments is so easy. The wrong, it seems, 43165is venial... Then it is that you will be summoned to show the courage of 43166adventurous youth. 43167 -- Benjamin Cardozo 43168% 43169The higher you climb, the more you show your ass. 43170 -- Alexander Pope, "The Dunciad" 43171% 43172The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through 43173three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry, and 43174Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why, and Where phases. For 43175instance, the first phase is characterized by the question "How can we 43176eat?" the second by "Why do we eat?" and the third by "Where shall we 43177have lunch?". 43178 -- Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy 43179% 43180The history of warfare is similarly subdivided, although here the phases 43181are Retribution, Anticipation, and Diplomacy. Thus: 43182 43183Retribution: 43184 I'm going to kill you because you killed my brother. 43185Anticipation: 43186 I'm going to kill you because I killed your brother. 43187Diplomacy: 43188 I'm going to kill my brother and then kill you on the 43189 pretext that your brother did it. 43190% 43191The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars." 43192 -- Johnny Carson 43193% 43194The honeymoon is not actually over until we cease 43195to stifle our sighs and begin to stifle our yawns. 43196 -- Helen Rowland 43197% 43198The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late for supper and 43199she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator. 43200 -- Bill Lawrence 43201% 43202The horror... the horror! 43203% 43204The human animal differs from the lesser 43205primates in his passion for lists of "Ten Best". 43206 -- H. Allen Smith 43207% 43208The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment 43209you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public. 43210 -- Sir George Jessel 43211% 43212The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of 43213its capacity -- the rest is overhead for the operating system. 43214% 43215The human mind treats a new idea the way the 43216body treats a strange protein: it rejects it. 43217 -- P. Medawar 43218% 43219The human race has been fascinated by sharks for as long as I can remember. 43220Just like the bluebird feeding its young, or the spider struggling to weave 43221its perfect web, or the buttercup blooming in spring, the shark reveals to 43222us yet another of the infinite and wonderful facets of nature, namely the 43223facet that it can bite your head off. This causes us humans to feel a 43224certain degree of awe. 43225 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 43226% 43227The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. 43228 -- Mark Twain 43229% 43230The human race never solves any of its problems. It merely outlives them. 43231 -- David Gerrold 43232% 43233The husband who doesn't tell his wife everything probably reasons 43234that what she doesn't know won't hurt him. 43235 -- Leo J. Burke 43236% 43237The IBM 2250 is impressive ... 43238if you compare it with a system selling for a tenth its price. 43239 -- D. Cohen 43240% 43241The IBM purchase of ROLM gives new meaning to the term "twisted pair". 43242 -- Howard Anderson, "Yankee Group" 43243% 43244The idea that an arbitrary naive human should be able to properly use a given 43245tool without training or understanding is even more wrong for computing than 43246it is for other tools (e.g. automobiles, airplanes, guns, power saws). 43247 -- Doug Gwyn 43248% 43249The ideal voice for radio may be defined as showing no substance, 43250no sex, no owner, and a message of importance for every housewife. 43251 -- Harry V. Wade 43252% 43253The ideas of economists and political philosophers, both when they 43254are right and when they are wrong, are more powerful than is generally 43255understood. Indeed, the world is ruled by little else. 43256 -- John Maynard Keyes 43257% 43258The idle man does not know what it is to enjoy rest. 43259% 43260The idle mind knows not what it is it wants. 43261 -- Quintus Ennius 43262% 43263The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. 43264 -- Henry Kissinger 43265% 43266The Illiterati Programus Canto 1: 43267 A program is a lot like a nose: 43268 Sometimes it runs, and sometimes it blows. 43269% 43270The important thing is not to stop questioning. 43271% 43272The important thing to remember about walking on eggs is not to hop. 43273% 43274The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than 43275golf has. 43276 -- The Best of Will Rogers 43277% 43278The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important 43279point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly 43280important thing to people. 43281 -- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King 43282% 43283The infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is 43284a delight to moralists. That is why they invented hell. 43285 -- Bertrand Russell 43286% 43287The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; 43288the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. 43289 -- Churchill 43290% 43291The instruments of science do not in themselves discover truth. And 43292there are searchings that are not concluded by the coincidence of a 43293pointer and a mark. 43294 -- Fred Saberhagen, "The Berserker Wars" 43295% 43296The introduction of a new kind of music must be shunned as imperiling 43297the whole state, for styles of music are never disturbed without 43298affecting the most important political institutions. ... The new 43299style, gradually gaining a lodgement, quitely insinuates itself into 43300manners and customs, and from it ... goes on to attack laws and 43301constitutions, displaying the utmost impudence, until it ends by 43302overturning everything. 43303 -- Plato, "Republic", 370 B.C. 43304% 43305The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of 43306the group divided by the number of people in the group. 43307% 43308The Israelis are the Doberman pinschers of the Middle East. They 43309treat the Arabs like postmen. 43310 -- Franklyn Ajaye 43311% 43312The Israelites were all waiting anxiously at the foot of the mountain, 43313knowing that Moses had had a tough day negotiating with God over the 43314Commandments. Finally a tired Moses came into sight. 43315 "I've got some good news and some bad news, folks," he said. "The 43316good news is that I got Him down to ten. The bad news is that adultery's 43317still in." 43318% 43319"The jig's up, Elman." 43320"Which jig?" 43321 -- Jeff Elman 43322% 43323The Junior God now heads the roll 43324In the list of heaven's peers; 43325He sits in the House of High Control, 43326And he regulates the spheres. 43327Yet does he wonder, do you suppose, 43328If, even in gods divine, 43329The best and wisest may not be those 43330Who have wallowed awhile with the swine? 43331 -- R.W. Service 43332% 43333The justifications for drug testing are part of the presently fashionable 43334debate concerning restoring America's "competitiveness." Drugs, it has been 43335revealed, are responsible for rampant absenteeism, reduced output, and poor 43336quality work. But is drug testing in fact rationally related to the 43337resurrection of competitiveness? Will charging the atmosphere of the 43338workplace with the fear of excretory betrayal honestly spur productivity? 43339Much noise has been made about rehabilitating the worker using drugs, but 43340to date the vast majority of programs end with the simple firing or the not 43341hiring of the abuser. This practice may exacerbate, not alleviate, the 43342nation's productivity problem. If economic rehabilitation is the ultimate 43343goal of drug testing, then criteria abandoning the rehabilitation of the 43344drug-using worker is the purest of hypocrisy and the worst of rationalization. 43345 -- The concluding paragraph of "Constitutional Law: The 43346 Fourth Amendment and Drug Testing in the Workplace," 43347 Tim Moore, Harvard Journal of Law & Public Policy, vol. 43348 10, No. 3 (Summer 1987), pp. 762-768. 43349% 43350The Kennedy Constant: 43351 Don't get mad -- get even. 43352% 43353The key elements in human thinking are not numbers but labels of fuzzy sets. 43354 -- L. Zadeh 43355% 43356The key to building a superstar is to keep their mouth shut. To reveal 43357an artist to the people can be to destroy him. It isn't to anyone's 43358advantage to see the truth. 43359 -- Bob Ezrin, rock music producer 43360% 43361The Killer Ducks are coming!!! 43362% 43363The kind of danger people most enjoy is 43364the kind they can watch from a safe place. 43365% 43366The King and his advisor are overlooking the battle field: 43367 43368King: "How goes the battle plan?" 43369Advisor: "See those little black specks running to the right?" 43370K: "Yes." 43371A: "Those are their guys. And all those little red specks running 43372 to the left are our guys. Then when they collide we wait till 43373 the dust clears." 43374K: "And?" 43375A: "If there are more red specks left than black specks, we win." 43376K: "But what about the 43377^#!!$% battle plan?" 43378A: "So far, it seems to be going according to specks." 43379% 43380The knowledge that makes us cherish 43381innocence makes innocence unattainable. 43382 -- Irving Howe 43383% 43384The Kosher Dill was invented in 1723 by Joe Kosher and Sam Dill. It is 43385the single most popular pickle variety today, enjoyed throughout the free 43386world by man, woman and child alike. An astounding 350 billion kosher 43387dills are eaten each year, averaging out to almost 1/4 pickle per person 43388per day. New York Times food critic Mimi Sheraton says "The kosher dill 43389really changed my life. I used to enjoy eating McDonald's hamburgers and 43390drinking Iron City Lite, and then I encountered the kosher dill pickle. 43391I realized that there was far more to haute cuisine then I'd ever imagined. 43392And now, just look at me." 43393% 43394The ladies men admire, I've heard, 43395Would shudder at a wicked word. 43396Their candle gives a single light; 43397They'd rather stay at home at night. 43398They do not keep awake till three, 43399Nor read erotic poetry. 43400They never sanction the impure, 43401Nor recognize an overture. 43402They shrink from powders and from paints... 43403So far, I've had no complaints. 43404 -- Dorothy Parker 43405% 43406The language of politics is poetry, not prose. Jackson is poetry. 43407Cuomo is poetry. Dukakis is a word processor. 43408 -- Richard M. Nixon, on Meet the Press, April, 1988 43409% 43410The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for 43411everything that goes wrong -- until the next person quits or is fired. 43412% 43413The last person that quit or was fired will be the held responsible 43414for everything that goes wrong -- until the next person quits or is 43415fired. 43416% 43417The last person who said that (God rest his soul) lived to regret it. 43418% 43419The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first. 43420 -- Blaise Pascal 43421% 43422The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane holding his own 43423hand. 43424 -- Fred Allen 43425% 43426The last time somebody said, "I find I can write much better with a word 43427processor.", I replied, "They used to say the same thing about drugs." 43428 -- Roy Blount, Jr. 43429% 43430The last vestiges of the old Republic have been swept away. 43431 -- Governor Tarkin 43432% 43433The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, 43434to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread. 43435 -- Anatole France 43436% 43437The Law of Probable Dispersal: 43438 That which hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. 43439% 43440The Law of the Letter: 43441 The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the envelope. 43442% 43443The Law of the Perversity of Nature: 43444 You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter. 43445% 43446The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men 43447should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal 43448weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine 43449we own. 43450 -- H.G. Wells 43451% 43452The Least Perceptive Literary Critic 43453 The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax. A 43454most individual judge of poetry, he once invited Alexander Pope round to 43455give a public reading of his latest poem. 43456 Pope, the leading poet of his day, was greatly surprised when Lord 43457Halifax stopped him four or five times and said, "I beg your pardon, Mr. 43458Pope, but there is something in that passage that does not quite please me." 43459 Pope was rendered speechless, as this fine critic suggested sizeable 43460and unwise emendations to his latest masterpiece. "Be so good as to mark 43461the place and consider at your leisure. I'm sure you can give it a better 43462turn." 43463 After the reading, a good friend of Lord Halifax, a certain Dr. 43464Garth, took the stunned Pope to one side. "There is no need to touch the 43465lines," he said. "All you need do is leave them just as they are, call on 43466Lord Halifax two or three months hence, thank him for his kind observation 43467on those passages, and then read them to him as altered. I have known him 43468much longer than you have, and will be answerable for the event." 43469 Pope took his advice, called on Lord Hallifax and read the poem 43470exactly as it was before. His unique critical faculties had lost none of 43471their edge. "Ay", he commented, "now they are perfectly right. Nothing can 43472be better." 43473 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 43474% 43475The Least Successful Animal Rescue 43476 The firemen's strike of 1978 made possible one of the great animal 43477rescue attempts of all time. Valiantly, the British Army had taken over 43478emergency firefighting and on 14 January they were called out by an elderly 43479lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped up a 43480tree. They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their duty. 43481So grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea. Driving off 43482later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat and killed it. 43483 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 43484% 43485The Least Successful Collector 43486 Betsy Baker played a central role in the history of collecting. She 43487was employed as a servant in the house of John Warburton (1682-1759) who had 43488amassed a fine collection of 58 first edition plays, including most of the 43489works of Shakespeare. 43490 One day Warburton returned home to find 55 of them charred beyond 43491legibility. Betsy had either burned them or used them as pie bottoms. The 43492remaining three folios are now in the British Museum. 43493 The only comparable literary figure was the maid who in 1835 burned 43494the manuscript of the first volume of Thomas Carlyle's "The Hisory of the 43495French Revolution", thinking it was wastepaper. 43496 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 43497% 43498The Least Successful Defrosting Device 43499 The all-time record here is held by Mr. Peter Rowlands of Lancaster 43500whose lips became frozen to his lock in 1979 while blowing warm air on it. 43501 "I got down on my knees to breathe into the lock. Somehow my lips 43502got stuck fast." 43503 While he was in the posture, an old lady passed an inquired if he 43504was all right. "Alra? Igmmlptk", he replied at which point she ran away. 43505 "I tried to tell her what had happened, but it came out sort of... 43506muffled," explained Mr. Rowlands, a pottery designer. 43507 He was trapped for twenty minutes ("I felt a bit foolish") until 43508constant hot breathing brought freedom. He was subsequently nicknamed "Hot 43509Lips". 43510 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 43511% 43512The Least Successful Equal Pay Advertisement 43513 In 1976 the European Economic Community pointed out to the Irish 43514Government that it had not yet implemented the agreed sex equality 43515legislation. The Dublin Government immediately advertised for an equal pay 43516enforcement officer. The advertisement offered different salary scales for 43517men and women. 43518 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 43519% 43520The Least Successful Executions 43521 History has furnished us with two executioners worthy of attention. 43522The first performed in Sydney in Australia. In 1803 three attempts were 43523made to hang a Mr. Joseph Samuels. On the first two of these the rope 43524snapped, while on the third Mr. Samuels just hung there peacefully until he 43525and everyone else got bored. Since he had proved unsusceptible to capital 43526punishment, he was reprieved. 43527 The most important British executioner was Mr. James Berry who 43528tried three times in 1885 to hang Mr. John Lee at Exeter Jail, but on each 43529occasion failed to get the trap door open. 43530 In recognition of this achievement, the Home Secretary commuted 43531Lee's sentence to "life" imprisonment. He was released in 1917, emigrated 43532to America and lived until 1933. 43533 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 43534% 43535The Least Successful Police Dogs 43536 America has a very strong candidate in "La Dur", a fearsome looking 43537schnauzer hound, who was retired from the Orlando police force in Florida 43538in 1978. He consistently refused to do anything which might ruffle or 43539offend the criminal classes. 43540 His handling officer, Rick Grim, had to admit: "He just won't go up 43541and bite them. I got sick and tired of doing that dog's work for him." 43542 The British contenders in this category, however, took things a 43543stage further. "Laddie" and "Boy" were trained as detector dogs for drug 43544raids. Their employment was terminated following a raid in the Midlands in 435451967. 43546 While the investigating officer questioned two suspects, they 43547patted and stroked the dogs who eventually fell asleep in front of the 43548fire. When the officer moved to arrest the suspects, one dog growled at 43549him while the other leapt up and bit his thigh. 43550 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 43551% 43552The less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag. 43553 -- Kin Hubbard 43554% 43555The less time planning, the more time programming. 43556% 43557THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10 -- SIMPLE 43558 43559 SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming 43560Language Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College 43561for Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write 43562code with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN, 43563END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make a 43564syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful, thus achieving 43565the results of programs written in other languages without the tedious, 43566frustrating process of testing and debugging. 43567% 43568THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12 -- LITHP 43569 43570 This otherwise unremarkable language, originally developed in San 43571Francisco, is distinguished by the absence of an "S" in its character set; 43572users must substitute "TH". LITHP is thaid to be utheful in protheththing 43573lithtth. 43574% 43575THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13 -- SLOBOL 43576 43577 SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler. 43578Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they compile, 43579SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the beans. Forty- 43580three programmers are known to have died of boredom sitting at their terminals 43581while waiting for a SLOBOL program to compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers 43582often turn to a related (but infinitely faster) language, COCAINE. 43583% 43584THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #14 -- VALGOL 43585 43586 VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the 43587industry. VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE, WELL, and Y*KNOW. 43588Variables are assigned with the =LIKE and =TOTALLY operators. Other 43589operators include the "California booleans", AX and NOWAY. Loops are 43590accomplished with the FOR SURE construct. A simple example: 43591 43592 LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START 43593 IF PIZZA =LIKE BITCHEN AND 43594 GUY =LIKE TUBULAR AND 43595 VALLEY GIRL =LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2 43596 THEN 43597 FOR I =LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100 43598 DO*WAH - (DITTY**2); BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT) 43599 SURE 43600 LIKE, BAG THIS PROGRAM; REALLY; LIKE TOTALLY(Y*KNOW); IM*SURE 43601 GOTO THE MALL 43602 43603 VALGOL is also characterized by its unfriendly error messages. For 43604example, when the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the 43605message GAG ME WITH A SPOON! A successful compile may be termed MAXIMALLY 43606AWESOME! 43607% 43608THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- DOGO 43609 43610 Developed at the Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training, DOGO 43611DOGO heralds a new era of computer-literate pets. DOGO commands include 43612SIT, STAY, HEEL, and ROLL OVER. An innovative feature of DOGO is "puppy 43613graphics", a small cocker spaniel that occasionally leaves a deposit as 43614it travels across the screen. 43615% 43616THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- SARTRE 43617 43618 Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely 43619unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just are. 43620Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. SARTRE 43621programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at parties. 43622% 43623THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- C- 43624 43625 This language was named for the grade received by its creator when 43626he submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is 43627best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the language 43628generally requires more C- statements than machine-code statements to execute 43629a given task. In this respect, it is very similar to COBOL. 43630% 43631THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- FIFTH 43632 43633 FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types 43634refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and JIGGER to 43635FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and BLOTTO. Commands 43636refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, 43637VODKA, SCOTCH, BOURBON, and WHATEVERSAROUND. 43638 The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and 43639financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include VSOP and 43640LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH, THUNDERBIRD, 43641RIPPLE and HOUSERED. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers 43642who end up using this language. 43643% 43644THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5 -- LAIDBACK 43645 43646 LAIDBACK was developed at the (now defunct) Marin County Center for 43647T'ai Chi, Mellowness and Computer Programming, as an alternative to the more 43648intense languages of nearby Silicon Valley. 43649 The Center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs 43650while they worked. Unfortunately, few programmers could survive there long, 43651since the Center outlawed pizza and RC Cola in favor of bean curd and Perrier. 43652 Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a 43653gentle and nonthreatening language. For example, LAIDBACK responded to 43654syntax errors with the message SORRY MAN, I JUST CAN'T DEAL BEHIND THAT. 43655% 43656The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them. 43657 -- Lenny Bruce 43658% 43659The life which is unexamined is not worth living. 43660 -- Plato 43661% 43662The light of a hundred stars does not equal the light of the moon. 43663% 43664The lion and the calf shall lie down 43665together but the calf won't get much sleep. 43666 -- Woody Allen 43667% 43668The little girl expects no declaration of tenderness from her doll. 43669She loves it -- and that's all. It is thus that we should love. 43670 -- DeGourmont 43671% 43672The little pieces of my life I give to you, 43673with love, to make a quilt to keep away the cold. 43674% 43675The little town that time forgot, 43676Where all the women are strong, 43677The men are good-looking, 43678And the children above-average. 43679 -- Prairie Home Companion 43680% 43681The local minister noticed a little girl standing outside of his 43682door with a basket of kittens. 43683 "Hello, little girl, what do you have there?" 43684 "These are my Democratic kittens," she replied. 43685Amused, the pastor said nothing. Two weeks later he saw the same little 43686girl with (apparently) the same basket of kittens. 43687 "My, I see you still have your Democratic kittens.", he said. 43688 "No, you see, these are Republican kittens," she answered. 43689 "Two weeks ago they were Democratic kittens," he replied, puzzled. 43690 "Two weeks ago they had their eyes closed." 43691% 43692The `loner' may be respected, but he is always resented by his colleagues, 43693for he seems to be passing a critical judgment on them, when he may be 43694simply making a limiting statement about himself. 43695 -- Sidney Harris 43696% 43697The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself. 43698 -- Henry Kissinger 43699% 43700The longer the title, the less important the job. 43701% 43702The longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate. 43703 -- Marcus Terentius Varro 43704% 43705The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we 43706could grab as much as we could with both of them. 43707 -- Major Major's father 43708% 43709The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. 43710Indian Giver be the name of the Lord. 43711% 43712The Lord prefers common-looking people. That is the reason that He makes 43713so many of them. 43714 -- Abraham Lincoln 43715% 43716The louder he talked of his honour, the faster we counted our spoons. 43717 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 43718% 43719The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of 43720the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe now stacking wood at 43721her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of the poetic and heroic 43722Handsomas roared, 'Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you'll feel my 43723steel through your last meal!' 43724 -- Winning sentence, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. 43725% 43726The luck that is ordained for you will be coveted by others. 43727% 43728The lunatic, the lover, and the poet, 43729Are of imagination all compact... 43730 -- Wm. Shakespeare, "A Midsummer Night's Dream" 43731% 43732The Macintosh is Xerox technology at its best. 43733% 43734The magic of our first love is our ignorance that it can ever end. 43735 -- Benjamin Disraeli 43736% 43737The main problem I have with cats is, they're not dogs. 43738 -- Kevin Cowherd 43739% 43740The major advances in civilization are processes 43741that all but wreck the societies in which they occur. 43742 -- A.N. Whitehead 43743% 43744The major difference between bonds and bond traders is that the 43745bonds will eventually mature. 43746% 43747The major sin is the sin of being born. 43748 -- Samuel Beckett 43749% 43750The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutang trying to play 43751the violin. 43752 -- Honore DeBalzac 43753% 43754The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time. 43755The terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of 43756consistency. 43757 -- Albert Einstein 43758% 43759The makers may make, 43760And the users may use, 43761But the fixers must fix 43762With but minimal clues. 43763% 43764The man she had was kind and clean 43765And well enough for every day, 43766But oh, dear friends, you should have seen 43767The one that got away. 43768 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Fisherwoman" 43769% 43770The Man Who Almost Invented The Vacuum Cleaner 43771 The man officially credited with inventing the vacuum cleaner is 43772Hubert Cecil Booth. However, he got the idea from a man who almost 43773invented it. 43774 In 1901 Booth visited a London music-hall. On the bill was an 43775American inventor with his wonder machine for removing dust from carpets. 43776 The machine comprised a box about one foot square with a bag on top. 43777After watching the act -- which made everyone in the front six rows sneeze 43778-- Booth went round to the inventor's dressing room. 43779 "It should suck not blow," said Booth, coming straight to the 43780point. "Suck?", exclaimed the enraged inventor. "Your machine just moves 43781the dust around the room," Booth informed him. "Suck? Suck? Sucking is 43782not possible," was the inventor's reply and he stormed out. Booth proved 43783that it was by the simple expedient of kneeling down, pursing his lips and 43784sucking the back of an armchair. "I almost choked," he said afterwards. 43785 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 43786% 43787The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd. 43788The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever 43789been. 43790 -- Alan Ashley-Pitt 43791% 43792The man who has never been flogged has never been taught. 43793 -- Menander 43794% 43795The man who laughs has not yet been told the terrible news. 43796 -- Bertolt Brecht 43797% 43798The man who raises a fist has run out of ideas. 43799 -- H.G. Wells, "Time After Time" 43800% 43801The man who runs may fight again. 43802 -- Menander 43803% 43804The man who sees, on New Year's day, Mount 43805Fuji, a hawk, and an eggplant is forever blessed. 43806 -- Old Japanese proverb 43807% 43808The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that 43809will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful. 43810 -- Mark Twain 43811% 43812The man who understands one woman is 43813qualified to understand pretty well everything. 43814 -- Yeats 43815% 43816The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President. All he has 43817to do is get up every morning and say, "How's the President?" 43818 -- Will Rogers 43819 43820The vice-presidency ain't worth a pitcher of warm spit. 43821 -- Vice President John Nance Garner 43822% 43823The Marines: 43824 The few, the proud, the dead on the beach. 43825% 43826The Marines: 43827 The few, the proud, the not very bright. 43828% 43829The mark of a good party is that you wake up the next morning 43830wanting to change your name and start a new life in different city. 43831 -- Vance Bourjaily, "Esquire" 43832% 43833The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, 43834while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one. 43835 -- Wilhelm Stekel 43836% 43837The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice 43838and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the 43839master calls a butterfly. 43840 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul 43841% 43842The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of 43843husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism 43844are one, and that one is marxism. 43845 -- Heidi Hartmann, 43846 "The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism" 43847% 43848The Martian Canals were clearly the Martian's last ditch effort! 43849% 43850The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a 43851soda can, which, when discarded will last forever -- and a $7,000 car 43852which, when properly cared for, will rust out in two or three years. 43853% 43854The mate for beauty should be a man and not a money chest. 43855 -- Bulwer 43856% 43857The mature bohemian is one whose woman works full time. 43858% 43859The means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers, 43860always end up on their ends without any means. 43861 -- Saul Alinsky 43862% 43863The meat is rotten, but the booze is holding out. 43864Computer translation of "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." 43865% 43866The meek don't want it. 43867% 43868The meek inherit the earth -- usually in small sections... about 6 by 3. 43869% 43870The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse. 43871% 43872The meek shall inherit the earth; but by that 43873time there won't be anything left worth inheriting. 43874% 43875The meek shall inherit the earth, but *not* its mineral rights. 43876 -- J.P. Getty 43877% 43878The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us, the Universe. 43879% 43880The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us will go to the stars. 43881% 43882The meek shall inherit the Earth. 43883(But they're gonna have to fight for it.) 43884% 43885The meek will inherit the earth -- if that's OK with you. 43886% 43887The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two 43888chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed. 43889 -- Carl Jung 43890% 43891[The members of the Chamberlain government] are decided only to be 43892undecided, resolved to be irresolute, adamant for drift, all-powerful 43893for impotency. 43894 -- W. Churchill 43895% 43896The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the klutz said, 43897 "Life is like a bowl of sour cream." 43898 "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?" 43899 "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?" 43900% 43901The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't. 43902% 43903The mirror sees the man as beautiful, the mirror loves the man; another 43904mirror sees the man as frightful and hates him; and it is always the same 43905being who produces the impressions. 43906 -- Marquis D.A.F. de Sade 43907% 43908The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might be 43909general systems laws. For example, Frank Harary once suggested the law that 43910any field that had the word "science" in its name was guaranteed thereby 43911not to be a science. He would cite as examples Military Science, Library 43912Science, Political Science, Homemaking Science, Social Science, and Computer 43913Science. Discuss the generality of this law, and possible reasons for its 43914predictive power. 43915 -- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems 43916 Thinking" 43917% 43918The Modelski Chain Rule: 439191: Look intently at the problem for several minutes. Scratch your 43920 head at 20-30 second intervals. Try solving the problem on your 43921 Hewlett-Packard. 439222: Failing this, look around at the class. Select a particularly 43923 bright-looking individual. 439243: Procure a large chain. 439254: Walk over to the selected student and threaten to beat him severely 43926 with the chain unless he gives you the answer to the problem. 43927 Generally, he will. It may also be a good idea to give him a sound 43928 thrashing anyway, just to show you mean business. 43929% 43930"The molars, I'm sure, will be all right, the molars can take care of 43931themselves," the old man said, no longer to me. "But what will become 43932of the bicuspids?" 43933 -- The Old Man and his Bridge 43934% 43935The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me. 43936 -- Nicol Williamson 43937% 43938The moon is made of green cheese. 43939 -- John Heywood 43940% 43941The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away. 43942% 43943The Moral Majority is neither. 43944% 43945The more complex the mind, the greater 43946the need for the simplicity of play. 43947 -- Captain Kirk, "Shore Leave" 43948% 43949The more control, the more that requires control. 43950% 43951The more cordial the buyers secretary, the greater 43952the odds that the competition already has the order. 43953% 43954The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. 43955% 43956The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the 43957lower the mailing cost. 43958 -- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 43959% 43960The more he talked of his honor the faster we counted our spoons. 43961 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 43962% 43963The more I know men the more I like my horse. 43964% 43965The more I see of men the more I admire dogs. 43966 -- Mme De Sevigne, 1626-1696 43967% 43968The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work. 43969 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions" 43970% 43971The more laws and order are made prominent, 43972the more thieves and robbers there will be. 43973 -- Lao Tsu 43974% 43975The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For 43976instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, 43977contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...) 43978% 43979The more the merrier. 43980 -- John Heywood 43981% 43982The more they over-think the plumbing 43983the easier it is to stop up the drain. 43984% 43985The more things change, the more they remain the same. 43986 -- Alphonse Karr 43987% 43988The more things change, the more they stay insane. 43989% 43990The more things change, the more they'll never be the same again. 43991% 43992The more we disagree, the more chance 43993there is that at least one of us is right. 43994% 43995The more you complain, the longer God lets you live. 43996% 43997The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war. 43998% 43999The Moscow Evening News advertised a contest for the best political joke. 44000First prize was ten years in prison; second prize, five years; third prize, 44001three years; and there were six honorable mentions of one year each. 44002% 44003The mosquito exists to keep the mighty humble. 44004% 44005The moss on the tree does not fear the talons of the hawk. 44006% 44007The most advantageous, pre-eminent thing thou canst do is not to 44008exhibit nor display thyself within the limits of our galaxy, but 44009rather depart instantaneously whence thou even now standest and 44010flee to yet another rotten planet in the universe, if thou canst 44011have the good fortune to find one. 44012 -- Carlyle 44013% 44014The most common given name in the world is Mohammad; the most common 44015family name in the world is Chang. Can you imagine the enormous number 44016of people in the world named Mohammad Chang? 44017 -- Derek Wills 44018% 44019The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately 44020in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind. 44021 -- H.L. Mencken 44022% 44023The most dangerous food is wedding cake. 44024 -- American proverb 44025% 44026The most dangerous organization in America today is: 44027 44028 a) The KKK 44029 b) The American Nazi Party 44030 c) The Delta Frequent Flyer Club 44031% 44032The most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in 44033the country is the one on which you resell it. 44034 -- J. Brecheux 44035% 44036The most difficult thing about surviving AIDS 44037is trying to convince your parents that you're Haitian. 44038% 44039The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a 44040thing and to watch someone else doing it wrong, without commenting. 44041 -- T.H. White 44042% 44043The most difficult years of marriage are those following the wedding. 44044% 44045The most disagreeable thing that your worst enemy says to your face does 44046not approach what your best friends say behind your back. 44047 -- Alfred De Musset 44048% 44049The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new 44050discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..." 44051 -- Isaac Asimov 44052% 44053The most exquisite peak in culinary art is conquered when you do right by a 44054ham, for a ham, in the very nature of the process it has undergone since last 44055it walked on its own feet, combines in its flavor the tang of smoky autumnal 44056woods, the maternal softness of earthy fields delivered of their crop children, 44057the wineyness of a late sun, the intimate kiss of fertilizing rain, and the 44058bite of fire. You must slice it thin, almost as thin as this page you hold 44059in your hands. The making of a ham dinner, like the making of a gentleman, 44060starts a long, long time before the event. 44061 -- W.B. Courtney, "Reflections of Maryland Country Ham", 44062 from "Congress Eate It Up" 44063% 44064...the most exquisitely squalid hells known to middle-class man: 44065freshman English at a Midwestern university. 44066 -- Tom Wolfe 44067% 44068The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union 44069of a deaf man to a blind woman. 44070 -- Samuel Taylor Coleridge 44071% 44072The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise. 44073% 44074The most important early product on the way 44075to developing a good product is an imperfect version. 44076% 44077The most important service rendered by the press is that of educating 44078people to approach printed matter with distrust. 44079% 44080The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman 44081is that one of them be good at taking orders. 44082 -- Linda Festa 44083% 44084The most important things, each person must do for himself. 44085% 44086The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money. 44087 -- Joey Adams, "Cindy and I" 44088% 44089The most recent attempt to revive the moribund campus left, a national 44090conference held at Rutgers University February 5-7, ended when the 44091participants decided that they were too racist to found a new national 44092organization. 44093 The stated goal of the conference was the formation of a national 44094organization that would "give expression to a shared consciousness." The 44095orientation materials declared that this was "a historic moment" -- you 44096know, like Port Huron and the Sixties -- and the Rutgers host committee had 44097every reason to expect their goal would be accomplished. 44098 But it was not to be. Given that this was a conference of *New* 44099New Leftists, reason had nothing to do with it. 44100 A revealing article by Vania del Borgo and Maria Margaronis in "The 44101Nation", ["Beyond the Fragments," 3/26/88] says "The defining moment of the 44102weekend came when the conference was almost at its end. On Sunday morning, 44103a twenty-five-member students of color caucus confronted the assembled body 44104with its overwhelming whiteness..." Joined by the Gay & Bisexual Caucus, the 44105Students of Color Caucus declared that the founding of such an overwhelmingly 44106white organization would itself constitute a racist act. The four hundred or 44107so leftist activists were told that they had no right to ratify a constitution 44108or elect any officers. While recognizing "the need to examine the real 44109possibilities of a broad-based, racially diverse student movement" and paying 44110lip service to the need for "dialogue," they threatened to walk out if their 44111demands were not met. As *The Nation* article describes the scene: "To their 44112astonishment, their intervention was greeted with a standing ovation." Handed 44113an ultimatum which demanded that they disband, this would-be successor to the 44114radical student movements of the Sixties promptly voted itself out of 44115existence. As del Borgo and Margaronis put it, "After much chaotic discussion 44116and a confused voice vote, the convention suspended all its other work and 44117broke into regional groups to discuss 'outreach.'" 44118 -- Libertarian Agenda, May 1988 44119% 44120The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she 44121served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never 44122been found. 44123 -- Calvin Trillin 44124% 44125The most serious doubt that has been thrown on the authenticity of the 44126biblical miracles is the fact that most of the witnesses in regard to 44127them were fishermen. 44128 -- Arthur Binstead 44129% 44130The Most Unsuccessful Version Of The Bible 44131 The most exciting version of the Bible was printed in 1631 by Robert 44132Barker and Martin Lucas, the King's printers at London. It contained 44133several mistakes, but one was inspired -- the word "not" was omitted from 44134the Seventh Commandment and enjoined its readers, on the highest authority, 44135to commit adultery. 44136 Fearing the popularity with which this might be received in remote 44137country districts, King Charles I called all 1,000 copies back in and fined 44138the printers L3,000. 44139 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 44140% 44141The most winning woman I ever knew was hanged for poisoning three little 44142children for their insurance money. 44143 -- Sherlock Holmes 44144% 44145The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on. 44146% 44147The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ, 44148 Moves on: nor all they Piety nor Wit 44149Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line, 44150 Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it. 44151% 44152The myth of romantic love holds that once you've fallen in love with the 44153perfect partner, you're home free. Unfortunately, falling out of love 44154seems to be just as involuntary as falling into it. 44155% 44156The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt. 44157 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost" 44158% 44159The nation that controls magnetism controls the universe. 44160 -- Chester Gould/Dick Tracy 44161% 44162The nearer to the church, the further from God. 44163 -- John Heywood 44164% 44165The net is like a vast sea of lutefisk with tiny dinosaur brains embedded 44166in it here and there. Any given spoonful will likely have an IQ of 1, but 44167occasional spoonfuls may have an IQ more than six times that! 44168 -- James 'Kibo' Parry 44169% 44170The net of law is spread so wide, 44171No sinner from its sweep may hide. 44172Its meshes are so fine and strong, 44173They take in every child of wrong. 44174O wondrous web of mystery! 44175Big fish alone escape from thee! 44176 -- James Jeffrey Roche 44177% 44178The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around. 44179I hope I don't get run over again. 44180% 44181The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 44182doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. 44183% 44184THE NEW RIGHT: 44185 A javelin team that elects to receive. 44186% 44187The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory, 44188in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system. 44189 44190 But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay: 44191 for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil. 44192 44193 -- Matthew 5:37 44194% 44195The next person to mention spaghetti stacks 44196to me is going to have his head knocked off. 44197 -- Bill Conrad 44198% 44199The next thing I say to you will be true. 44200The last thing I said was false. 44201% 44202The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people. 44203 -- Lucille S. Harper 44204% 44205The nice thing about standards 44206is that there are so many of them to choose from. 44207 -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum 44208% 44209The nicest thing about the Alto is that it doesn't run faster at night. 44210% 44211The night passes quickly when you're asleep 44212But I'm out shufflin' for something to eat 44213... 44214Breakfast at the Egg House, 44215Like the waffle on the griddle, 44216I'm burnt around the edges, 44217But I'm tender in the middle. 44218 -- Adrian Belew 44219% 44220The notes blatted skyward as the rose over the Canada geese, feathered 44221rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically pedaling unseen 44222bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by cruel Nature's maxim, 44223'Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,' and at last I knew Pittsburgh. 44224 -- Winning sentence, 1987 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. 44225% 44226The notion of a "record" is an obsolete 44227remnant of the days of the 80-column card. 44228 -- D.M. Ritchie 44229% 44230The number of computer scientists in a room is inversely 44231proportional to the number of bugs in their code. 44232% 44233The number of feet in a yard is directly proportional to the success 44234of the barbecue. 44235% 44236The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine 44237increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice. 44238% 44239The number of UNIX installations has grown to 10, with more expected. 44240 -- The Unix Programmer's Manual, 2nd Edition, June 1972 44241% 44242The NY Times is read by the people who run the country. The Washington Post 44243is read by the people who think they run the country. The National Enquirer 44244is read by the people who think Elvis is alive and running the country. 44245 -- Robert Woodhead 44246% 44247The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly analyze 44248all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their occurrence, have 44249answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve these problems 44250when called upon. 44251 However... 44252When you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to remind 44253yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp. 44254% 44255The odds are a million to one against your being one in a million. 44256% 44257The Official Colorado State Vegetable is now the "state legislator". 44258% 44259The Official MBA Handbook on business cards: 44260 44261 Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the 44262 Realm, Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director 44263 of Corporate Planning." 44264% 44265The Official MBA Handbook on doing company business on an airplane: 44266 44267 Do not work openly on top-secret company cost documents unless 44268 you have previously ascertained that the passenger next to you 44269 is blind, a rock musician on mood-ameliorating drugs, or the 44270 unfortunate possessor of a forty-seventh chromosome. 44271% 44272The Official MBA Handbook on the use of sunlamps: 44273 44274 Use a sunlamp only on weekends. That way, if the office wise guy 44275 remarks on the sudden appearance of your tan, you can fabricate 44276 some story about a sun-stroked weekend at some island Shangri-La 44277 like Caneel Bay. Nothing is more transparent than leaving the 44278 office at 11:45 on a Tuesday night, only to return an Aztec sun 44279 god at 8:15 the next morning. 44280% 44281The old complaint that mass culture is designed for eleven-year-olds 44282is of course a shameful canard. The key age has traditionally been 44283more like fourteen. 44284 -- Robert Christgau, "Esquire" 44285% 44286The old man had lived all his life in a little house on the Vermont side of the 44287New Hampshire-Vermont border. One day, the surveyors came to inform him that 44288they had just discovered that he lived in New Hampshire, not Vermont. 44289 "Thank heavens!" was his heartfelt reply. "I don't think I could have 44290taken another one of those damned Vermont winters!" 44291% 44292THE OLD POOL SHOOTER had won many a game in his life. But now it was time 44293to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing go the 44294floor. 44295 44296"Sorry," he said with a smile. 44297 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 44298% 44299The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy. 44300% 44301The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. 44302Let the reader catch his own breath. 44303 -- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart 44304% 44305The older I grow, the more I distrust the 44306familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom. 44307 -- H.L. Mencken 44308% 44309The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a neccessity. 44310 -- Oscar Wilde 44311% 44312The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut. 44313% 44314The one good thing about repeating your 44315mistakes is that you know when to cringe. 44316% 44317The one L lama, he's a priest 44318The two L llama, he's a beast 44319And I will bet my silk pyjama 44320There isn't any three L lllama. 44321 -- O. Nash, to which a fire chief replied that occasionally 44322 his department responded to something like a "three L lllama." 44323% 44324The One Page Principle: 44325 A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch paper 44326 cannot be understood. 44327 -- Mark Ardis 44328% 44329The one sure way to make a lazy man look 44330respectable is to put a fishing rod in his hand. 44331% 44332The only alliance I would make with the Women's Liberation Movement is in bed. 44333 -- Abbey Hoffman 44334% 44335The only certainty is that nothing is certain. 44336 -- Pliny the Elder 44337% 44338The only constant is change. 44339% 44340The only cultural advantage LA has over NY is that you can make a 44341right turn on a red light. 44342 -- Woody Allen 44343% 44344The only difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman is 44345that the car salesman knows he's lying. 44346% 44347The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions. 44348% 44349The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that 44350every saint has a past and every sinner has a future. 44351 -- Oscar Wilde 44352% 44353The only difference in the game of love over the last few 44354thousand years is that they've changed trumps from clubs to diamonds. 44355 -- The Indianapolis Star 44356% 44357The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look 44358respectable. 44359 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 44360% 44361The only happiness lies in reason; all the rest of the world is dismal. 44362The highest reason, however, I see in the work of the artist, and he may 44363experience it as such. Happiness lies in the swiftness of feeling and 44364thinking: all the rest of the world is slow, gradual and stupid. Whoever 44365could feel the course of a light ray would be very happy, for it is very 44366swift. Thinking of oneself gives little happiness. If, however, one feels 44367much happiness in this, it is because at bottom one is not thinking of 44368oneself but of one's ideal. This is far, and only the swift shall reach 44369it and are delighted. 44370 -- Nietzsche 44371% 44372The only "ism" Hollywood believes in is plagiarism. 44373 -- Dorothy Parker 44374% 44375The only justification for our concepts and systems of concepts is 44376that they serve to represent the complex of our experiences; 44377beyond this they have not legitimacy. 44378 -- Einstein. 44379% 44380The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away 44381is your husband. 44382% 44383The only people for me are the mad ones -- the ones who are mad to live, 44384mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, 44385the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn 44386like fabulous yellow Roman candles. 44387 -- Jack Kerouac, "On the Road" 44388% 44389The only people who make love all the time are liars. 44390 -- Louis Jordan 44391% 44392The only perfect science is hind-sight. 44393% 44394The only person to get all of his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe. 44395% 44396The only person who always got his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe. 44397% 44398The only possible interpretation of any research 44399whatever in the "social sciences" is: some do, some don't. 44400% 44401The only possible interpretation of any research 44402whatever in the 'social sciences' is: some do, some don't. 44403 -- Ernest Rutherford 44404% 44405The only problem with being a man of leisure 44406is that you can never stop and take a rest. 44407% 44408The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane. 44409 -- Phaedrus 44410% 44411The only promotion rules I can think of are that a sense of shame is to 44412be avoided at all costs and there is never any reason for a hustler to 44413be less cunning than more virtuous men. Oh yes ... whenever you think 44414you've got something really great, add ten per cent more. 44415 -- Bill Veeck 44416% 44417The only qualities for real success in journalism are ratlike cunning, a 44418plausible manner and a little literary ability. The capacity to steal 44419other people's ideas and phrases ... is also invaluable. 44420 -- Nicolas Tomalin, "Stop the Press, I Want to Get On" 44421% 44422The only real advantage to punk music is that nobody can whistle it. 44423% 44424The only real argument for marriage is that it remains the best method 44425for getting acquainted. 44426 -- Heywood Broun 44427% 44428The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon. 44429 -- C. Schultz 44430% 44431The only really masterful noise a man makes in a house is the noise 44432of his key, when he is still on the landing, fumbling for the lock. 44433 -- Colette 44434% 44435The only reward of virtue is virtue. 44436 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 44437% 44438The only rose without thorns is friendship. 44439% 44440The only thing better than love is milk. 44441% 44442The only thing cheaper than hardware is talk. 44443% 44444The only thing that experience teaches us is that experience teaches 44445us nothing. 44446 -- Andre Maurois (Emile Herzog) 44447% 44448The only thing that stops God from sending a second Flood is that 44449the first one was useless. 44450 -- Nicolas Chamfort 44451% 44452The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. 44453It is never any use to oneself. 44454 -- Oscar Wilde 44455% 44456The only thing we learn from history is that we do not learn. 44457 -- Earl Warren 44458 44459That men do not learn very much from history is the most important of all 44460the lessons that history has to teach. 44461 -- Aldous Huxley 44462 44463We learn from history that we do not learn from history. 44464 -- Georg Hegel 44465 44466HISTORY: Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we learn 44467nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from what happened 44468this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long view. 44469 -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab" 44470% 44471The only time a dog gets complimented is when he doesn't do anything. 44472 -- C. Schultz 44473% 44474The only two things that motivate me and that matter to me are revenge 44475and guilt. 44476 -- Elvis Costello 44477% 44478The only way to amuse some people 44479is to slip and fall on an icy pavement. 44480% 44481The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. 44482 -- Oscar Wilde 44483% 44484The only way to keep you health is to eat what you don't want, 44485drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not. 44486 -- Mark Twain 44487% 44488The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky. 44489 -- David Gerrold 44490% 44491The onset and the waning of love make themselves felt 44492in the uneasiness experienced at being alone together. 44493 -- Jean de la Bruyere 44494% 44495The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up 44496until 5 or 6 PM. 44497% 44498The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. 44499It doesn't even get up until 5 or 6 pm. 44500% 44501The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite 44502of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. 44503 -- Niels Bohr 44504% 44505The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. 44506 -- Bohr 44507% 44508The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is 44509waiting. 44510 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 44511% 44512The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds, 44513and the pessimist knows it. 44514 -- J. Robert Oppenheimer, "Bulletin of Atomic Scientists" 44515 44516Yet creeds mean very little, Coth answered the dark god, still speaking 44517almost gently. The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all 44518possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true. 44519 -- James Cabell, "The Silver Stallion" 44520% 44521The optimum committee has no members. 44522 -- Norman Augustine 44523% 44524The opulence of the front office door varies 44525inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm. 44526% 44527The orders come down and they march us away. 44528There's a battle outside and we join in the fray. 44529God, it's hell when you know this could be your last day, 44530But it's better than working for Xerox. 44531 -- Frank Hayes, "Don't Ask" 44532% 44533The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me. 44534 -- Steven Wright 44535% 44536The other line moves faster. 44537% 44538The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France on 44539a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance 44540with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke French and he only spoke 44541English, so each couldn't understand a word the other spoke. He took out a 44542pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a coach. She smiled, nodded her 44543head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a 44544table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to 44545dinner. After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They 44546went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious 44547evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew 44548a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and to this day has 44549never be able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business. 44550% 44551The part of the world that people find most puzzling is the part called "Me". 44552% 44553The party adjourned to a hot tub, yes. Fully clothed, I might add. 44554 -- IBM employee, testifying in California State Supreme Court 44555% 44556The passionate young thing was having a difficult time getting across what 44557she wanted from her rather dense boyfriend. Finally she asked, 44558 "Would you like to see where I was operated on for appendicitis?" 44559 "Gosh, no!" he replied. "I hate hospitals." 44560% 44561The past always looks better than it was. 44562It's only pleasant because it isn't here. 44563 -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley) 44564% 44565The people sensible enough to give 44566good advice are usually sensible enough to give none. 44567% 44568The perfect friend sees the best in you -- sees it constantly -- 44569not just when you occasionally are that way, but also when you 44570waver, when you forget yourself, act like less than you are. 44571In time, you become more like his vision of you -- which is the 44572person you have always wanted to be. 44573 -- Nancy Friday 44574% 44575The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 A.M. 44576 -- Charles Pierce 44577% 44578The perfect man is the true partner. Not a bed partner nor a fun partner, 44579but a man who will shoulder burdens equally with [you] and possess that 44580quality of joy. 44581 -- Erica Jong 44582% 44583The person who can smile when something 44584goes wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. 44585% 44586The person who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything. 44587% 44588The person who marries for money usually earns every penny of it. 44589% 44590The person who's taking you to lunch has no intention of paying. 44591% 44592The person you rejected yesterday could make you happy, if you say yes. 44593% 44594The personal computer market is about the same size as the total potato chip 44595market. Next year it will be about half the size of the pet food market and 44596is fast approaching the total worldwide sales of pantyhose" 44597 -- James Finke, Commodore Int'l Ltd., 1982 44598% 44599The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated by the fact that, 44600when exposed to the same atmosphere, bread becomes hard while crackers 44601become soft. 44602% 44603The philosopher's treatment of a question 44604is like the treatment of an illness. 44605 -- Wittgenstein. 44606% 44607The Phone Booth Rule: 44608 A lone dime always gets the number nearly right. 44609% 44610The Pig, if I am not mistaken, 44611Gives us ham and pork and Bacon. 44612Let others think his heart is big, 44613I think it stupid of the Pig. 44614% 44615The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter swang 44616and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the batter 44617connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The center 44618fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute his eyes were 44619blound by the sun and he dropped it. 44620 -- Dizzy Dean 44621% 44622The plural of spouse is spice. 44623% 44624The Poems, all three hundred of them, 44625may be summed up in one of their phrases: 44626"Let our thoughts be correct". 44627 -- Confucius 44628% 44629The Poet Whose Badness Saved His Life 44630 The most important poet in the seventeenth century was George 44631Wither. Alexander Pope called him "wretched Wither" and Dryden said of his 44632verse that "if they rhymed and rattled all was well". 44633 In our own time, "The Dictionary of National Biography" notes that his 44634work "is mainly remarkable for its mass, fluidity and flatness. It usually 44635lacks any genuine literary quality and often sinks into imbecile doggerel". 44636 High praise, indeed, and it may tempt you to savour a typically 44637rewarding stanza: It is taken from "I loved a lass" and is concerned with 44638the higher emotions. 44639 She would me "Honey" call, 44640 She'd -- O she'd kiss me too. 44641 But now alas! She's left me 44642 Falero, lero, loo. 44643 Among other details of his mistress which he chose to immortalize 44644was her prudent choice of footwear. 44645 The fives did fit her shoe. 44646 In 1639 the great poet's life was endangered after his capture by 44647the Royalists during the English Civil War. When Sir John Denham, the 44648Royalist poet, heard of Wither's imminent execution, he went to the King and 44649begged that his life be spared. When asked his reason, Sir John replied, 44650"Because that so long as Wither lived, Denham would not be accounted the 44651worst poet in England." 44652 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 44653% 44654The poetry of heroism appeals irresitably to those who don't go to a war, 44655and even more so to those whom the war is making enormously wealthy." 44656 -- Celine 44657% 44658The point is, you see, that there is no point in driving yourself mad 44659trying to stop yourself going mad. You might just as well give in and 44660save your sanity for later. 44661% 44662The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish to be 44663addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified. But it is equally 44664important to accept and tolerate different standards of courtesy, not 44665expecting everyone else to adapt to one's own preferences. Only then can 44666we hope to restore the insult to its proper social function of expressing 44667true distaste. 44668 -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly 44669 Correct Behavior" 44670% 44671The politician is someone who deals in man's problems of adjustment. 44672To ask a politician to lead us is to ask the tail of a dog to lead the dog. 44673 -- Buckminster Fuller 44674% 44675The pollution's at that awkward stage. 44676Too thick to navigate and too thin to cultivate. 44677 -- Doug Sneyd 44678% 44679The possession of a book becomes a substitute for reading it. 44680 -- Anthony Burgess 44681% 44682The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor 44683prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, 44684or to the people. 44685 -- U.S. Constitution, Amendment 10. (Bill of Rights) 44686% 44687The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher, 44688 Were each of them once a kiddie. 44689A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature. 44690 Do I want one? God Forbiddie! 44691 -- Ogden Nash 44692% 44693The president publicly apologized today to all those offended by his brother's 44694remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than there is Jews!". Those 44695offended include Arabs, Jews, and English teachers. 44696 -- Channel 11 News, Baltimore, on Billy Carter 44697% 44698The prettiest women are almost always the most 44699boring, and that is why some people feel there is no God. 44700 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 44701% 44702The price of greatness is responsibility. 44703% 44704The price of success in philosophy is triviality. 44705 -- C. Glymour. 44706% 44707The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate 44708knowledge of its ugly side. 44709 -- James Baldwin 44710% 44711The primary function of the design engineer is to make things 44712difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman. 44713% 44714The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants; 44715instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the 44716variable PI can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead 44717of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the 44718program, should the value of pi change. 44719 -- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers 44720% 44721The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO" 44722represents the secondary theme: 44723 44724 Law Enforcement Officials 44725 44726The overall theme of SoupCon shall be: 44727 44728 Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials 44729 -- M. Gallaher 44730% 44731The probability of someone watching you is directly 44732proportional to the stupidity of your action. 44733% 44734The problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed, 44735a problem, but not the problem we thought was the problem. 44736 -- Mike Smith 44737% 44738The problem with any unwritten law is that 44739you don't know where to go to erase it. 44740 -- Glaser and Way 44741% 44742The problem with graduate students, in general, is that they have 44743to sleep every few days. 44744% 44745The problem with me is that I am fifty or one hundred years ahead of my 44746time. My speed is very fast. Some ministers have had to drop out of my 44747government because they could not keep up. 44748 -- Idi Amin Dada 44749% 44750The problem with most conspiracy theories is that they seem to believe that 44751for a group of people to behave in a way detrimental to the common good 44752requires intent. 44753% 44754The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can 44755be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues. 44756 -- Elizabeth Taylor 44757% 44758The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 44759% 44760The problem with this country is that there is no death penalty 44761for incompetence. 44762% 44763The problems of business administration in general, and database management in 44764particular are much to difficult for people that think in IBMese, compounded 44765with sloppy english. 44766 -- Edsger Dijkstra 44767% 44768The profession of book writing makes horse racing seem like a solid, 44769stable business. 44770 -- John Steinbeck 44771% 44772The program isn't debugged until the last user is dead. 44773% 44774The programmers of old were mysterious and profound. We cannot fathom their 44775thoughts, so all we do is describe their appearance. 44776 Aware, like a fox crossing the water. Alert, like a general on the 44777battlefield. Kind, like a hostess greeting her guests. Simple, like uncarved 44778blocks of wood. Opaque, like black pools in darkened caves. 44779 Who can tell the secrets of their hearts and minds? 44780 The answer exists only in the Tao. 44781% 44782The proof of the pudding is in the eating. 44783 -- Miguel de Cervantes 44784% 44785The proof that IBM didn't invent the car is that it has a steering wheel 44786and an accelerator instead of spurs and ropes, to be compatible with a 44787horse. 44788 -- Jac Goudsmit 44789% 44790The propriety of some persons seems to consist in having improper 44791thoughts about their neighbours. 44792 -- F.H. Bradley 44793% 44794The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's 44795outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by mistake 44796since its colors are those of the London Reform Club. Once tied around its 44797victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims the insurance before 44798running off to Germany where it lives in hiding. 44799 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 44800% 44801The public demands certainties; it must be told definitely and a bit 44802raucously that this is true and that is false. But there are no 44803certainties. 44804 -- H.L. Mencken, "Prejudice" 44805% 44806The Public is merely a multiplied "me." 44807 -- Mark Twain 44808% 44809The Puritan hated bear-baiting, not because it gave pain to the bear, but 44810because it gave pleasure to the spectators. 44811 -- Thomas Macaulay, "History of England" 44812% 44813The purpose of Physics 7A is to make the engineers realize that they're 44814not perfect, and to make the rest of the people realize that they're not 44815engineers. 44816% 44817"The pyramid is opening!" 44818"Which one?" 44819"The one with the ever-widening hole in it!" 44820% 44821The quality of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder. 44822% 44823The Queen is most anxious to enlist every one who can speak or write to 44824join in checking this mad, wicked folly of "Woman's Rights", with all its 44825attendant horrors, on which her poor feeble sex is bent, forgetting every 44826sense of womanly feeling and propriety. Lady-- ought to get a good 44827whipping. It is a subject which makes the Queen so furious that she cannot 44828contain herself. God created men and women different -- then let them 44829remain each in their own position. 44830 -- Letter to Sir Theodore Martin, 29 May 1870, from 44831 Queen Victoria 44832% 44833The question of whether computers can think is just like the question of 44834whether submarines can swim. 44835 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 44836% 44837The questions remain the same. 44838The answers are eternally variable. 44839% 44840The Rabbits The Cow 44841Here is a verse about rabbits The cow is of the bovine ilk; 44842That doesn't mention their habits. One end is moo, the other, milk. 44843 -- Ogden Nash 44844% 44845The race is not always to the swift, nor the 44846battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet. 44847 -- Damon Runyon 44848% 44849The rain it raineth on the just 44850And also on the unjust fella: 44851But chiefly on the just, because 44852The unjust steals the just's umbrella. 44853 -- Lord Bowen 44854% 44855The Ranger isn't gonna like it, Yogi. 44856% 44857The rate at which a disease spreads through a corn field is a precise 44858measurement of the speed of blight. 44859% 44860The ratio of literacy to illiteracy is a constant, but nowadays the 44861illiterates can read. 44862 -- Alberto Moravia 44863% 44864The real man's Bloody Mary: 44865 Ingredients: vodka, tomato juice, Tobasco, Worcestershire 44866 sauce, A-1 steak sauce, ice, salt, pepper, celery. 44867 44868 Fill a large tumbler with vodka. 44869 Throw all the other ingredients away. 44870% 44871The real problem with hunting elephants carrying the decoys. 44872% 44873The real purpose of books is to trap the mind into doing its own thinking. 44874 -- Christopher Morley 44875% 44876The real reason large families benefit society is because at least 44877a few of the children in the world shouldn't be raised by beginners. 44878% 44879The real reason psychology is hard is that 44880psychologists are trying to do the impossible. 44881% 44882The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music. 44883% 44884The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much. 44885% 44886The reason people sweat is so they won't catch fire when making love. 44887 -- Don Rose 44888% 44889The reason that every major university maintains a department of 44890mathematics is that it's cheaper than institutionalizing all those 44891people. 44892% 44893The reason they're called wisdom teeth 44894is that the experience makes you wise. 44895% 44896The reason why worry kills more people 44897than work is that more people worry than work. 44898% 44899The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one 44900persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress 44901depends on the unreasonable man. 44902 -- George Bernard Shaw 44903% 44904The reasons that each of these countries has had to renege on its 44905financial committments were all somewhat different: Argentina because of 44906a war, Poland because of its vast misguided overinvestment in heavy 44907industry, Honduras because the coffeee price went sour, Zaire because 44908nobody in the government there has a clue as to how to run a country. 44909 -- Paul Erdman's Money Book 44910% 44911The relative importance of files depends on their cost 44912in terms of the human effort needed to regenerate them. 44913 -- T.A. Dolotta 44914% 44915The requirements of romantic love are difficult to satisfy in the trunk 44916of a Dodge Dart. 44917 -- Lisa Alther 44918% 44919The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher 44920Called a hen a most elegant creature. 44921 The hen, pleased with that, 44922 Laid an egg in his hat -- 44923And thus did the hen reward Beecher. 44924 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes 44925% 44926The reverse side also has a reverse side. 44927 -- Japanese proverb 44928% 44929The revolution will not be televised. 44930% 44931The reward for working hard is more hard work. 44932% 44933The reward of a thing well done is to have done it. 44934 -- Emerson 44935% 44936The rich get rich, and the poor get poorer. 44937The haves get more, the have-nots die. 44938% 44939The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. 44940This means that only left handed people are in their right mind. 44941% 44942The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be 44943taken seriously. 44944 -- Hubert Humphrey 44945% 44946The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be 44947taken seriously. 44948 -- Hubert Humphrey 44949% 44950The right to be let alone is indeed the beginning of all freedom. 44951 -- Justice Douglas 44952% 44953The rights and interests of the laboring man will be protected and cared 44954for not by our labor agitators, but by the Christian men to whom God in his 44955infinite wisdom has given control of property interests of the country, and 44956upon the successful management of which so much remains. 44957 -- George F. Baer, railroad industrialist 44958% 44959The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the 44960House Un-American Activities Committee]. We will determine what rights 44961you have and what rights you have not got. 44962 -- J. Parnell Thomas 44963% 44964The ripest fruit falls first. 44965 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II" 44966% 44967The road to Hades is easy to travel. 44968 -- Bion 44969% 44970The road to hell is paved with NAND gates. 44971 -- J. Gooding 44972% 44973The road to ruin is always in good repair, 44974and the travellers pay the expense of it. 44975 -- Josh Billings 44976% 44977The Roman Rule 44978 The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the 44979 one who is doing it. 44980% 44981The root of all superstition is that men 44982observe when a thing hits, but not when it misses. 44983 -- Francis Bacon 44984% 44985The rose of yore is but a name, mere names are left to us. 44986% 44987The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in 44988his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on 44989one leg. The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't 44990take it too seriously. 44991 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 44992% 44993The rule is, jam to-morrow and jam yesterday, but never jam today. 44994 -- Lewis Carroll 44995% 44996The rule on staying alive as a forecaster is to give 'em a number or 44997give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once. 44998 -- Jane Bryant Quinn 44999% 45000The rules: 45001 450021: Thou shalt not worship other computer systems. 450032: Thou shalt not impersonate Liberace or eat watermelon while sitting at 45004 the console keyboard. 450053: Thou shalt not slap users on the face, nor staple their silly little 45006 card decks together. 450074: Thou shalt not get physically involved with the computer system, 45008 especially if you're already married. 450095: Thou shalt not use magnetic tapes as frisbees, nor use a disk pack as 45010 a stool to reach another disk pack. 450116: Thou shalt not stare at the blinking lights for more than one 8 hour 45012 shift. 450137: Thou shalt not tell users that you accidentally destroyed their 45014 files/backup just to see the look on their little faces. 450158: Thou shalt not enjoy cancelling a job. 450169: Thou shalt not display firearms in the computer room. 4501710: Thou shalt not push buttons "just to see what happens". 45018% 45019The Russians have put a small ball up in the air. 45020That does not raise my apprehensions one iota. 45021 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower 45022% 45023The salary of the chief executive of the large corporation is not a market 45024award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal 45025gesture by the individual to himself. 45026 -- John Kenneth Galbraith, "Annals of an Abiding Liberal" 45027% 45028The San Diego Freeway. Official Parking Lot of the 1984 Olympics! 45029% 45030The savior becomes the victim. 45031% 45032The scene: in a vast, painted desert, a cowboy faces his horse. 45033 45034Cowboy: "Well, you've been a pretty good hoss, I guess. Hardworkin'. 45035 Not the fastest critter I ever come acrost, but..." 45036 45037Horse: "No, stupid, not feed*back*. I said I wanted a feed*bag*. 45038% 45039The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100 45040showed that all had these things in common: 45041 45042 1) They all had moderate appetites. 45043 2) They all came from middle class homes. 45044 3) All but two of them were dead. 45045% 45046The search for the perfect martini is a fraud. The perfect martini is 45047a belt of gin from the bottle; anything else is the decadent trappings 45048of civilization. 45049 -- T.K. 45050% 45051The second best policy is dishonesty. 45052% 45053The Second Law of Thermodynamics: 45054 If you think things are in a mess now, just wait! 45055 -- Jim Warner 45056% 45057The secret of happiness is total disregard of everybody. 45058% 45059The secret of healthy hitchhiking is to eat junk food. 45060% 45061The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, 45062you've got it made. 45063 -- Jean Giraudoux 45064% 45065The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; 45066there is no humor in Heaven. 45067 -- Mark Twain 45068% 45069The sendmail configuration file is one of those files that looks like someone 45070beat their head on the keyboard. After working with it... I can see why! 45071 -- Harry Skelton 45072% 45073The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood as he 45074reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all. The Gray 45075Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in the palace 45076of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in twenty-five of 45077him are dead, he is alive. 45078 Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached 45079everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a fierce 45080host which out-numbers Lankhamar's inhabitants by fifty to one -- and 45081equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city." 45082 "How?" demanded Fafhrd. 45083 Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know." 45084 -- Fritz Leiber, "The Swords of Lankhmar" 45085% 45086The seven year itch comes from fooling around during the fourth, fifth, 45087and sixth years. 45088% 45089The sheep died in the wool. 45090% 45091The shifts of Fortune test the reliability of friends. 45092 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero 45093% 45094The shortest distance between any two puns is a straight line. 45095% 45096The shortest distance between two points is under construction. 45097 -- Noelie Altito 45098% 45099The Shuttle is now going five times the sound of speed. 45100 -- Dan Rather, first landing of Columbia 45101% 45102The six great gifts of an Irish girl are beauty, soft 45103voice, sweet speech, wisdom, needlework, and chastity. 45104 -- Theodore Roosevelt, 1907 45105% 45106The sixth shiek's sixth sheep's sick. 45107 -- [just say that five times...] 45108% 45109The sky is blue so we know where to stop mowing. 45110 -- Judge Harold T. Stone 45111% 45112The smallest worm will turn being trodden on. 45113 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 45114% 45115The smiling Spring comes in rejoicing, 45116And surly Winter grimly flies. 45117Now crystal clear are the falling waters, 45118And bonnie blue are the sunny skies. 45119Fresh o'er the mountains breaks forth the morning, 45120The ev'ning gilds the oceans's swell: 45121All creatures joy in the sun's returning, 45122And I rejoice in my bonnie Bell. 45123 45124The flowery Spring leads sunny Summer, 45125The yellow Autumn presses near; 45126Then in his turn come gloomy Winter, 45127Till smiling Spring again appear. 45128Thus seasons dancing, life advancing, 45129Old Time and Nature their changes tell; 45130But never ranging, still unchanging, 45131I adore my bonnie Bell. 45132 -- Robert Burns, "My Bonnie Bell" 45133% 45134The so-called "desktop metaphor" of today's workstations is instead an 45135"airplane-seat" metaphor. Anyone who has shuffled a lap full of papers 45136while seated between two portly passengers will recognize the difference -- 45137one can see only a very few things at once. 45138 -- Fred Brooks 45139% 45140The so-called lessons of history are for the most part the 45141rationalizations of the victors. History is written by the survivors. 45142 -- Max Lerner 45143% 45144The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity and 45145tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity will 45146have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy... neither its pipes nor 45147its theories will hold water. 45148% 45149The soldier came knocking upon the queen's door 45150He said, "I am not fighting for you anymore" 45151The queen knew she had seen his face someplace before 45152And slowly she let him inside. 45153 45154He said, "I see you now, and you're so very young 45155But I've seen more battles lost than I have battles won 45156And I have this intuition that it's all for your fun 45157And now will you tell me why?" 45158 -- Suzanne Vega, "The Queen and The Soldier" 45159% 45160The solution of problems is the most characteristic 45161and peculiar sort of voluntary thinking. 45162 -- William James 45163% 45164The solution of this problem is trivial 45165and is left as an exercise for the reader. 45166% 45167The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem. 45168 -- Peer 45169% 45170The somewhat old and crusty vicar was taking a well-earned retirement from 45171his rather old and crusty parish. As is usual in these cases, a locum was 45172sent to cover the transition period. This particular man was young and 45173active, and had the strange notion that church should also be avtive and 45174exciting. As a consequence he was more than a little dissapointed with the 45175dull and tradition-bound church. He decided to do something about it. 45176 For his first Sunday, he didn't wear the traditional robes and 45177vestments, but lead the service wearing a nice 2-piece suit. The congregation 45178was horrified! He changed the order of the service. The congregation was 45179horrified! Then came the children's lesson. 45180 For this he came out of the pulpit, and sat on the communion table. 45181The congregation was mortified! He sat there swinging his legs against 45182the table as the children gathered around him. 45183 He asked the children, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?" 45184 There was total silence. 45185 He asked again, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?" 45186 Total silence. 45187 Eventually, one timid youngster put up his hand and said, "Please, 45188sir, I know the answer is Jesus, but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me." 45189% 45190The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their money. 45191 -- Ed Bluestone, The National Lampoon 45192% 45193The sooner all the animals are extinct, the sooner we'll find their money. 45194 -- Ed Bluestone 45195% 45196The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up. 45197% 45198The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears. 45199% 45200The sounds of the nouns are mostly unbound. 45201In town a noun might wear a gown, 45202or further down, might dress a clown. 45203A noun that's sound would never clown, 45204but unsound nouns jump up and down. 45205The sound of a noun could distrub the plowing, 45206and then, my dear, you'd be put in the pound. 45207But please don't let that get you down, 45208the renown of your gown is the talk of the town. 45209 -- A. Nonnie Mouse 45210% 45211The Soviet Union, which has complained recently about alleged anti-Soviet 45212themes in American advertising, lodged an official protest this week 45213against the Ford Motor Company's new campaign: "Hey you stinking, fat 45214Russian, get off my Ford Escort." 45215 -- Dennis Miller 45216% 45217The speed of anything depends on the flow of everything. 45218% 45219The spirit of Plato dies hard. We have been unable to escape the 45220philosophical tradition that what we can see and measure in the world 45221is merely the superficial and imperfect representation of an underlying 45222reality. 45223 -- S.J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man" 45224% 45225The star of riches is shining upon you. 45226% 45227The startling truth finally became apparent, and it was this: Numbers 45228written on restaurant checks within the confines of restaurants do not 45229follow the same mathematical laws as numbers written on any other pieces 45230of paper in any other parts of the Universe. This single statement took 45231the scientific world by storm. So many mathematical conferences got held 45232in such good restaurants that many of the finest minds of a generation 45233died of obesity and heart failure, and the science of mathematics was put 45234back by years. 45235 -- Douglas Adams 45236% 45237The state of innocence contains the germs of all future sin. 45238 -- Alexandre Arnoux, "Etudes et caprices" 45239% 45240The steady state of disks is full. 45241 -- Ken Thompson 45242% 45243The story of the butterfly: 45244 "I was in Bogota and waiting for a lady friend. I was in love, 45245a long time ago. I waited three days. I was hungry but could not go 45246out for food, lest she come and I not be there to greet her. Then, on 45247the third day, I heard a knock." 45248 "I hurried along the old passage and there, in the sunlight, 45249there was nothing." 45250 "Just," Vance Joy said, "a butterfly, flying away." 45251 -- Peter Carey, BLISS 45252% 45253The story you are about to hear is true. 45254Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent. 45255% 45256The street preacher looked so baffled 45257When I asked him why he dressed 45258With forty pounds of headlines 45259Stapled to his chest. 45260But he cursed me when I proved to him 45261I said, "Not even you can hide. 45262You see, you're just like me. 45263I hope you're satisfied." 45264 -- Bob Dylan 45265% 45266The streets were dark with something more than night. 45267 -- Raymond Chandler 45268% 45269The strong give up and move away, while the weak give up and stay. 45270% 45271The strong give up and move on, while the weak give up and stay. 45272% 45273The strong individual loves the earth so much he lusts for recurrence. He 45274can smile in the face of the most terrible thought: meaningless, aimless 45275existance recurring eternally. The second characteristic of such a man is 45276that he has the strength to recognise -- and to live with the recognition -- 45277that the world is valueless in itself and that all values are human ones. 45278He creates himself by fashoning his own values; he has the pride to live 45279by the values he wills. 45280 -- Nietzsche 45281% 45282The sudden sight of me causes panic in the streets. They have 45283yet to learn - only the savage fears what he does not understand. 45284 -- The Silver Surfer 45285% 45286The sum of the intelligence of the world is constant. 45287The population is, of course, growing. 45288% 45289The sun never sets on those who ride into it. 45290 -- RKO 45291% 45292The sun was shining on the sea, 45293Shining with all his might: 45294He did his very best to make 45295The billows smooth and bright -- 45296And this was very odd, because it was 45297The middle of the night. 45298 -- Lewis Carroll 45299% 45300The sunlights differ, but there is only one darkness. 45301 -- Ursula K. LeGuin, "The Dispossessed" 45302% 45303The superfluous is very necessary. 45304 -- Voltaire 45305% 45306The superior man understands what is right; 45307the inferior man understands what will sell. 45308 -- Confucius 45309% 45310The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling their 45311way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from the other, 45312whom he assumes to have perfect vision. Each tends to ascribe to the other 45313side a consistency, foresight and coherence that its own experience belies. 45314Of course, even two blind men can do enormous damage to each other, not to 45315speak of the room. 45316 -- Henry Kissinger 45317% 45318The Supreme Court does it with all deliberate speed. 45319% 45320The surest sign that a man is in love is when he divorces his wife. 45321% 45322The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher 45323esteem those who think alike than those who think differently. 45324 -- Nietzsche 45325% 45326The surest way to remain a winner is to 45327win once, and then not play any more. 45328% 45329The sweeter the apple, the blacker the core -- 45330Scratch a lover and find a foe! 45331 -- Dorothy Parker, "Ballad of a Great Weariness" 45332% 45333The system was down for backups from 5am to 10am last Saturday. 45334% 45335The system will be down for 10 days for preventative maintenance. 45336% 45337The Tao doesn't take sides; 45338it gives birth to both wins and losses. 45339The Guru doesn't take sides; 45340she welcomes both hackers and lusers. 45341 45342The Tao is like a stack: 45343the data changes but not the structure. 45344the more you use it, the deeper it becomes; 45345the more you talk of it, the less you understand. 45346 45347Hold on to the root. 45348% 45349The Tao is like a glob pattern: 45350used but never used up. 45351It is like the extern void: 45352filled with infinite possibilities. 45353 45354It is masked but always present. 45355I don't know who built to it. 45356It came before the first kernel. 45357% 45358The tao that can be tar(1)ed 45359is not the entire Tao. 45360The path that can be specified 45361is not the Full Path. 45362 45363We declare the names 45364of all variables and functions. 45365Yet the Tao has no type specifier. 45366 45367Dynamically binding, you realize the magic. 45368Statically binding, you see only the hierarchy. 45369 45370Yet magic and hierarchy 45371arise from the same source, 45372and this source has a null pointer. 45373 45374Reference the NULL within NULL, 45375it is the gateway to all wizardry. 45376% 45377The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer 45378them a drink. 45379 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Interview" 45380% 45381The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed from available 45382data. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon 45383shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, 45384as the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much 45385radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition seven times seven (49) times 45386as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or fifty times in all. The light we 45387receive from the Moon is one ten-thousandth of the light we receive from the 45388Sun, so we can ignore that. With these data we can compute the temperature 45389of Heaven. The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where 45390the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation, 45391i.e., Heaven loses fifty times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using 45392the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute 45393temperature of the earth (-300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact 45394temperature of Hell cannot be computed, but it must be less than 444.6C, the 45395temperature at which brimstone or sulphur changes from a liquid to a gas. 45396Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their 45397part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten 45398brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 45399or 444.6C (Above this point it would be a vapor, not a lake.) We have, 45400then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C. 45401 -- "Applied Optics", vol. 11, A14, 1972 45402% 45403The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled 45404culinary vessel will not achieve 100 degrees on the Celsius scale. 45405% 45406The Ten Commandments for Technicians: 45407 1: Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged 45408 capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a 45409 most untechnician-like manner. 45410 45411 7: Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy 45412 fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console 45413 her in other ways. 45414% 45415The term "fire" brings up visions of violence and mayhem and the ugly scene 45416of shooting employees who make mistakes. We will now refer to this process 45417as "deleting" an employee (much as a file is deleted from a disk). The 45418employee is simply there one instant, and gone the next. All the terrible 45419temper tantrums, crying, and threats are eliminated. 45420 -- Kenny's Korner 45421% 45422The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed 45423ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function. 45424 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald 45425% 45426The test of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. 45427 -- Aldo Leopold 45428% 45429The thing that takes up the least amount of time 45430and causes the most amount of trouble is sex. 45431% 45432The things that interest people most are usually none of their business. 45433% 45434The Third Law of Photography: 45435 If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined 45436 when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of 45437 the dark leaks out. 45438% 45439The thought of being President fightens me and I do not think I 45440want the job. 45441 -- Ronald Reagan in 1973 45442 45443Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. Had he run unopposed he 45444would have lost. 45445 -- Mort Sahl 45446 45447Ronald Reagan is a triumph of the embalmer's art. 45448 -- Gore Vidal 45449 45450Ronald Reagan's platform seems to be: Hey, I'm a big good-looking guy and 45451I need a lot of sleep. 45452 -- Roy G. Blount, Jr. 45453 45454You've got to be careful quoting Ronald Reagan, because when you quote him 45455accurately it's called mudslinging. 45456 -- Walter Mondale 45457% 45458The Thought Police are here. They've come 45459To put you under cardiac arrest. 45460And as they drag you through the door 45461They tell you that you've failed the test. 45462 -- Buggles, "Living in the Plastic Age" 45463% 45464The three best things about going to school are June, July, and August. 45465% 45466The three biggest software lies: 45467 45468 1: *Of course* we'll give you a copy of the source. 45469 2: *Of course* the third party vendor we bought that from 45470 will fix the microcode. 45471 3: Beta test site? No, *of course* you're not a beta test site. 45472% 45473The three laws of thermodynamics: 45474 (1) You can't get anything without working for it. 45475 (2) The most you can accomplish by working is to break even. 45476 (3) You can only break even at absolute zero. 45477% 45478THE THREE MOST COMMONLY-ASKED QUESTIONS AT DISNEYLAND: 45479 454801) Where's the bathroom? 454812) What time does the parade start? 454823) Do you sell anything without that damn mouse on it? 45483% 45484The three questions of greatest concern are -- 1. Is it attractive? 454852. Is it amusing? 3. Does it know its place? 45486 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" 45487% 45488The three rules of international air travel: 45489 45490(1) Never fly on Aeroflot if you can possibly avoid it (this used 45491 to be Braniff or Aeroflot). 45492(2) Never bet a whole lot of money on two little pairs unless you 45493 know *exactly* what you're doing. 45494(3) Never sleep with anyone whose troubles are worse than your own. 45495% 45496The thrill is here, but it won't last long 45497You'd better have your fun before it moves along... 45498% 45499The time for action is past! 45500Now is the time for senseless bickering. 45501% 45502The time is right to make new friends. 45503% 45504The time spent on any item of the agenda [of a finance 45505committee] will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved. 45506 -- C.N. Parkinson 45507% 45508The time was the 19th of May, 1780. The place was Hartford, Connecticut. 45509The day has gone down in New England history as a terrible foretaste of 45510Judgement Day. For at noon the skies turned from blue to grey and by 45511mid-afternoon had blackened over so densely that, in that religious age, 45512men fell on their knees and begged a final blessing before the end came. 45513The Connecticut House of Representatives was in session. And, as some of 45514the men fell down and others clamored for an immediate adjournment, the 45515Speaker of the House, one Col. Davenport, came to his feet. He silenced 45516them and said these words: "The day of judgment is either approaching or 45517it is not. If it is not, there is no cause for adjournment. If it is, I 45518choose to be found doing my duty. I wish therefore that candles may be 45519brought." 45520 -- Alistair Cooke 45521% 45522The tree in which the sap is stagnant remains fruitless. 45523 -- Hosea Ballou 45524% 45525The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad. 45526% 45527The tree of research must from time to time 45528be refreshed with the blood of bean counters. 45529 -- Alan Kay 45530% 45531The trouble is, there is an endless supply of White Men, 45532but there has always been a limited number of Human Beings. 45533 -- Little Big Man 45534% 45535The trouble with a lot of self-made men is that they worship their creator. 45536% 45537The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time. 45538% 45539The trouble with being punctual is that people 45540think you have nothing more important to do. 45541% 45542The trouble with computers is that they do 45543what you tell them, not what you want. 45544 -- D. Cohen 45545% 45546The trouble with doing something right the first 45547time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was. 45548% 45549The trouble with eating Italian food is that 45550five or six days later you're hungry again. 45551 -- George Miller 45552% 45553The trouble with heart disease is that the first 45554symptom is often hard to deal with: death. 45555 -- Michael Phelps 45556% 45557The trouble with incest is that it gets you involved with relatives. 45558 -- George S. Kaufman 45559% 45560The trouble with money is it costs too much! 45561% 45562The trouble with opportunity is that it 45563always comes disguised as hard work. 45564 -- Herbert V. Prochnow 45565% 45566The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing -- 45567and then marry him. 45568 -- Cher 45569% 45570The trouble with some women is that they get 45571all excited about nothing -- and then marry him. 45572 -- Cher 45573% 45574The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds 45575the other fellow of a dull one. 45576 -- Sid Caesar 45577% 45578The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat. 45579 -- Lily Tomlin 45580% 45581The trouble with this country is that there are too many politicians 45582who believe, with a conviction based on experience, that you can fool 45583all of the people all of the time. 45584 -- Franklin Adams 45585% 45586The trouble with you 45587Is the trouble with me. 45588Got two good eyes 45589But we still don't see. 45590 -- Robert Hunter, "Workingman's Dead" 45591% 45592The true way goes over a rope which is not stretched at any great 45593height but just above the ground. It seems more designed to make 45594people stumble than to be walked upon. 45595 -- Franz Kafka 45596% 45597The truth about a man lies first and foremost in what he hides. 45598 -- Andre Malraux 45599% 45600The truth is rarely pure, and never simple. 45601 -- Oscar Wilde 45602% 45603The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility. 45604And vice versa. 45605% 45606The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it. 45607 -- Stanley Kubrick 45608% 45609The Truth Shall Rape You Over. 45610 -- Caltech 45611% 45612The truth you speak has no past and no future. 45613It is, and that's all it needs to be. 45614% 45615The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks 45616Which practically conceal its sex. 45617I think it clever of the turtle 45618In such a fix to be so fertile. 45619 -- O. Nash 45620% 45621The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed." 45622 -- Dorothy Parker 45623% 45624The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. 45625% 45626The two most common things in the Universe are hydrogen and stupidity. 45627 -- Harlan Ellison 45628% 45629The two oldest professions in the world have been ruined by amateurs. 45630 -- G.B. Shaw 45631% 45632The two party system ... is a triumph of the dialectic. It showed that 45633two could be one and one could be two and had probably been fabricated 45634by Hegel for the American market on a subcontract from General Dynamics. 45635 -- I.F. Stone 45636% 45637The two things that can get you into trouble 45638quicker than anything else are fast women and slow horses. 45639% 45640The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more 45641annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation. 45642 -- Oscar Wilde 45643% 45644The, uh, snowy mountains are like really cold, eh? 45645And the, um, plains stretch out like my moms girdle, eh? 45646There's lotsa beers and doughnuts for everyone, eh? 45647So the last one to be peaceful and everything is a big idiot, 45648Eh? 45649So shut yer face up and dry yer mucklucks by the fire, eh? 45650And dream about girls with their high beams on, eh? 45651They may be cold, but that's okay! Beer's better that way! 45652Eh? 45653 -- A, like, Tribute to the Great White North, eh? 45654Beauty! 45655% 45656The ultimate game show will be the one 45657where somebody gets killed at the end. 45658 -- Chuck Barris, creator of "The Gong Show" 45659% 45660The unfacts, did we have them, are too 45661imprecisely few to warrant out certitude. 45662% 45663The United States Army; 194 years of proud service, unhampered by progress. 45664% 45665The universe is all a spin-off of the Big Bang. 45666% 45667The universe is an island, 45668surrounded by whatever it is that surrounds universes. 45669% 45670The universe is laughing behind your back. 45671% 45672The Universe is populated by stable things. 45673 -- Richard Dawkins 45674% 45675The universe is ruled by letting things take their course. 45676It cannot be ruled by interfering. 45677 -- Chinese proverb 45678% 45679The universe seems neither benign nor hostile, merely indifferent. 45680 -- Sagan 45681% 45682The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie 45683Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall. Philbin is 45684said to make up for no talent by cheating well. Says Philbin of 45685his decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride." 45686% 45687The University of California Statistics Department; where mean is normal, 45688and deviation standard. 45689% 45690The UNIX philosophy basically involves giving you enough rope to 45691hang yourself. And then a couple of feet more, just to be sure. 45692% 45693The urge to gamble is so universal and its practice so pleasurable 45694that I assume it must be evil. 45695 -- Heywood Broun 45696% 45697The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and 45698religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging 45699from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its 45700yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledegook than the rest of the 45701world put together. 45702 -- Sir Peter Medawar 45703% 45704The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems 45705is a symptom of professional immaturity. 45706 -- Edsger Dijkstra 45707% 45708The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be 45709regarded as a criminal offence. 45710 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 45711% 45712The use of COBOL cripples the mind; 45713its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense. 45714 -- E.W. Dijkstra 45715% 45716The use of money is all the advantage there is to having money. 45717 -- B. Franklin 45718% 45719The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output. 45720% 45721The very first essential for success is a perpetually 45722constant and regular employment of violence. 45723 -- Adolph Hitler, "Mein Kampf" 45724% 45725The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. Instead of 45726altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their 45727views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the 45728facts that needs altering. 45729 -- Doctor Who, "Face of Evil" 45730% 45731The very remembrance of my former misfortune proves a new one to me. 45732 -- Miguel de Cervantes 45733% 45734The Vet Who Surprised A Cow 45735 In the course of his duties in August 1977, a Dutch veterinary 45736surgeon was required to treat an ailing cow. To investigate its internal 45737gases he inserted a tube into that end of the animal not capable of facial 45738expression and struck a match. The jet of flame set fire first to some 45739bales of hay and then to the whole farm causing damage estimate at L45,000. 45740The vet was later fined L140 for starting a fire in a manner surprising to 45741the magistrates. The cow escaped with shock. 45742 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 45743% 45744The VFW represents many who died to give this country a second chance 45745to make it what it is supposed to be -- God's guest house on earth. 45746 -- John Wayne 45747% 45748The volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases. 45749 -- Jerry Brown 45750% 45751The voluptuous blond was chatting with her handsome escort in a posh 45752restaurant when their waiter, stumbling as he brought their drinks, 45753dumped a martini on the rocks down the back of the blonde's dress. She 45754sprang to her feet with a wild rebel yell, dashed wildly around the table, 45755then galloped wriggling from the room followed by her distraught boyfriend. 45756A man seated on the other side of the room with a date of his own beckoned 45757to the waiter and said, "We'll have two of whatever she was drinking." 45758% 45759The wages of sin are unreported. 45760% 45761The War on Drugs is just a small part of the War on the United States 45762Constitution. 45763% 45764The warning message we sent the Russians was a 45765calculated ambiguity that would be clearly understood. 45766 -- Alexander Haig 45767% 45768The water was not fit to drink. 45769To make it palatable, we had to add whiskey. 45770By diligent effort, I learned to like it. 45771 -- W. Churchill 45772% 45773The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and 45774incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks. 45775 -- Emo Philips 45776% 45777The way of the world is to praise dead saints and prosecute live ones. 45778 -- Nathaniel Howe 45779% 45780The way some people find fault, you'd think there was some kind of reward. 45781% 45782The way to a man's heart is through his 45783wife's belly, and don't you forget it. 45784 -- Edward Albee, "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?" 45785% 45786The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle. 45787% 45788The way to a man's stomach is through his esophagus. 45789% 45790The way to fight a woman is with your hat. Grab it and run. 45791% 45792The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost. 45793% 45794The way to make a small fortune in the 45795commodities market is to start with a large fortune. 45796% 45797The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful. 45798% 45799The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful. 45800My thoughts aren't too clear, but don't run away. 45801My girlfriend's a bore; my job is too dutiful. 45802Hell nobody's perfect, would you like to play? 45803I feel together today! 45804 -- Jimmy Buffet, "Coconut Telegraph" 45805% 45806The weed of crime bears bitter fruit. 45807% 45808The weed of crime bears bitter fruit... 45809but the leaves are good to smoke! 45810 -- The Shadow 45811% 45812The white race is the cancer of history. 45813 -- Susan Sontag 45814% 45815The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak. 45816 -- Wavy Gravy 45817% 45818The whole of life is futile unless you 45819consider it as a sporting proposition. 45820% 45821The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively. 45822 -- Peter Beard 45823% 45824The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes. 45825 -- George Gobel 45826% 45827The whole world is about three drinks behind. 45828 -- Humphrey Bogart 45829% 45830The wise and intelligent are coming belatedly to realize that alcohol, and 45831not the dog, is man's best friend. Rover is taking a beating -- and he 45832should. 45833 -- W.C. Fields 45834% 45835The wise man seeks everything in himself; 45836the ignorant man tries to get everything from somebody else. 45837% 45838The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf. 45839% 45840The woman hurried home from her doctor's appointment, devastated by the 45841medical report she had just received. When her husband came in from work, 45842she told him, "Darling, the doctor said I have only twelve more hours to 45843live. So I've decided I want to go to bed and make passionate love to you 45844throughout the night. How does that sound, dearest?" 45845 "Hey, that's fine for *you*," replied the husband. "You don't have 45846to get up in the morning!" 45847% 45848The wonderful thing about a dancing bear 45849is not how well he dances, but that he dances at all. 45850% 45851The work [of software development] is becoming far easier (i.e. the tools 45852we're using work at a higher level, more removed from machine, peripheral 45853and operating system imperatives) than it was twenty years ago, and because 45854of this, knowledge of the internals of a system may become less accessible. 45855We may be able to dig deeper holes, but unless we know how to build taller 45856ladders, we had best hope that it does not rain much. 45857 -- Paul Licker 45858% 45859The world has many unintentionally cruel mechanisms that are not 45860designed for people who walk on their hands. 45861 -- John Irving, "The World According to Garp" 45862% 45863The world is a comedy to those who think, 45864and a tragedy to those who feel. 45865 -- Horace Walpole 45866% 45867The world is coming to an end... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!! 45868% 45869The world is coming to an end! 45870Repent and return those library books! 45871% 45872The world is full of people who have never, since 45873childhood, met an open doorway with an open mind. 45874 -- E.B. White 45875% 45876The world is moving so fast these days that the man who says 45877it can't be done is generally interrupted by someone doing it. 45878 -- E. Hubbard 45879% 45880The world is not octal despite DEC. 45881% 45882The world is your exercise-book, the pages on which you do your sums. 45883It is not reality, although you can express reality there if you wish. 45884You are also free to write nonsense, or lies, or to tear the pages. 45885 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul 45886% 45887The world needs more people like us and fewer like them. 45888% 45889The world really isn't any worse. 45890It's just that the news coverage is so much better. 45891% 45892The world wants to be deceived. 45893 -- Sebastian Brant 45894% 45895The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out. 45896% 45897The world's as ugly as sin, 45898And almost as delightful 45899 -- Frederick Locker-Lampson 45900% 45901The world's great men have not commonly been great scholars, 45902nor its great scholars great men. 45903 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes 45904% 45905The Worst American Poet 45906 Julia Moore, "the Sweet Singer of Michigan" (1847-1920) was so bad that 45907Mark Twain said her first book gave him joy for 20 years. 45908 Her verse was mainly concerned with violent death -- the great fire 45909of Chicago and the yellow fever epidemic proved natural subjects for her 45910pen. 45911 Whether death was by drowning, by fits or by runaway sleigh, the 45912formula was the same: 45913 Have you heard of the dreadful fate 45914 Of Mr. P.P. Bliss and wife? 45915 Of their death I will relate, 45916 And also others lost their life 45917 (in the) Ashbula Bridge disaster, 45918 Where so many people died. 45919 Even if you started out reasonably healthy in one of Julia's poems, 45920the chances are that after a few stanzas you would be at the bottom of a 45921river or struck by lightning. A critic of the day said she was "worse than 45922a Gatling gun" and in one slim volume counted 21 killed and 9 wounded. 45923 Incredibly, some newspapers were critical of her work, even 45924suggesting that the sweet singer was "semi-literate". Her reply was 45925forthright: "The Editors that has spoken in this scandalous manner have went 45926beyond reason." She added that "literary work is very difficult to do". 45927 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 45928% 45929THE WORST ANIMAL RESCUE 45930 45931During the firemen's strike of 1978, the British Army had taken over 45932emergency firefighting and on 14 January they were called out by an 45933elderly lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped 45934up a tree. They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their 45935duty. So grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea. 45936Driving off later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat 45937and killed it. 45938 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 45939% 45940THE WORST BANK ROBBERY 45941 45942In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank of 45943Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors. They 45944had to be helped free by the staff and, after thanking everyone, 45945sheepishly left the building. 45946A few minutes later they returned and announced their intention of 45947robbing the bank, but none of the staff believed them. When they demanded 459485,000 pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at them, convinced that it 45949was a practical joke. 45950Then one of the men jumped over the counter, but fell to the floor 45951clutching his ankle. The other two tried to make their getaway, but got 45952trapped in the revolving doors again. 45953% 45954The Worst Car Hire Service 45955 When David Schwartz left university in 1972, he set up Rent-a-wreck 45956as a joke. Being a natural prankster, he acquired a fleet of beat-up 45957shabby, wreckages waiting for the scrap heap in California. 45958 He put on a cap and looked forward to watching people's faces as he 45959conducted them round the choice of bumperless, dented junkmobiles. 45960 To his lasting surprise there was an insatiable demand for them and 45961he now has 26 thriving branches all over America. "People like driving 45962round in the worst cars available," he said. Of course they do. 45963 "If a driver damages the side of a car and is honest enough to 45964admit it, I tell him, `Forget it'. If they bring a car back late we 45965overlook it. If they've had a crash and it doesn't involve another vehicle 45966we might overlook that too." 45967 "Where's the ashtray?" asked on Los Angeles wife, as she settled 45968into the ripped interior. "Honey," said her husband, "the whole car's the 45969ash tray." 45970 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 45971% 45972The worst cliques are those which consist of one man. 45973 -- G.B. Shaw 45974% 45975THE WORST HOMING PIGEON 45976 45977This historic bird was released in Pembrokeshire in June 1953 and was 45978expected to reach its base that evening. It was returned by post, dead, 45979in a cardboard box eleven years later from Brazil. 45980 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 45981% 45982The worst is enemy of the bad. 45983% 45984The worst is not so long as we can say "This is the worst." 45985 -- King Lear 45986% 45987The Worst Jury 45988 A murder trial at Manitoba in February 1978 was well advanced, when 45989one juror revealed that he was completely deaf and did not have the 45990remotest clue what was happening. 45991 The judge, Mr. Justice Solomon, asked him if he had heard any 45992evidence at all and, when there was no reply, dismissed him. 45993 The excitement which this caused was only equalled when a second 45994juror revealed that he spoke not a word of English. A fluent French 45995speaker, he exhibited great surprised when told, after two days, that he 45996was hearing a murder trial. 45997 The trial was abandoned when a third juror said that he suffered 45998from both conditions, being simultaneously unversed in the English language 45999and nearly as deaf as the first juror. 46000 The judge ordered a retrial. 46001 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 46002% 46003The Worst Lines of Verse 46004For a start, we can rule out James Grainger's promising line: 46005 "Come, muse, let us sing of rats." 46006Grainger (1721-67) did not have the courage of his convictions and deleted 46007these words on discovering that his listeners dissolved into spontaneous 46008laughter the instant they were read out. 46009 No such reluctance afflicted Adam Lindsay Gordon (1833-70) who was 46010inspired by the subject of war. 46011 "Flash! flash! bang! bang! and we blazed away, 46012 And the grey roof reddened and rang; 46013 Flash! flash! and I felt his bullet flay 46014 The tip of my ear. Flash! bang!" 46015By contrast, Cheshire cheese provoked John Armstrong (1709-79): 46016 "... that which Cestria sends, tenacious paste of solid milk..." 46017While John Bidlake was guided by a compassion for vegetables: 46018 "The sluggard carrot sleeps his day in bed, 46019 The crippled pea alone that cannot stand." 46020George Crabbe (1754-1832) wrote: 46021 "And I was ask'd and authorized to go 46022 To seek the firm of Clutterbuck and Co." 46023William Balmford explored the possibilities of religious verse: 46024 "So 'tis with Christians, Nature being weak 46025 While in this world, are liable to leak." 46026And William Wordsworth showed that he could do it if he really tried when 46027describing a pond: 46028 "I've measured it from side to side; 46029 Tis three feet long and two feet wide." 46030 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 46031% 46032The Worst Musical Trio 46033 There are few bad musicians who have a chance to give a recital at 46034a famous concert hall while still learning the rudiments of their 46035instrument. This happened about thirty years ago to the son of a Rumanian 46036gentleman who was owed a personal favour by Georges Enesco, the celebrated 46037violinist. Enesco agreed to give lessons to the son who was quite 46038unhampered by great musical talent. 46039 Three years later the boy's father insisted that he give a public 46040concert. "His aunt said that nobody plays the violin better than he does. 46041A cousin heard him the other day and screamed with enthusiasm." Although 46042Enesco feared the consequences, he arranged a recital at the Salle Gaveau 46043in Paris. However, nobody bought a ticket since the soloist was unknown. 46044 "Then you must accompany him on the piano," said the boy's father, 46045"and it will be a sell out." 46046 Reluctantly, Enesco agreed and it was. On the night an excited 46047audience gathered. Before the concert began Enesco became nervous and 46048asked for someone to turn his pages. 46049 In the audience was Alfred Cortot, the brilliant pianist, who 46050volunteered and made his way to the stage. 46051 The soloist was of uniformly low standard and next morning the 46052music critic of Le Figaro wrote: "There was a strange concert at the Salle 46053Gaveau last night. The man whom we adore when he plays the violin played 46054the piano. Another whom we adore when he plays the piano turned the pages. 46055But the man who should have turned the pages played the violin." 46056 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 46057% 46058The worst part of having success is trying 46059to find someone who is happy for you. 46060 -- Bette Midler 46061% 46062The worst part of valor is indiscretion. 46063% 46064The Worst Prison Guards 46065 The largest number of convicts ever to escape simultaneously from a 46066maximum security prison is 124. This record is held by Alcoente Prison, 46067near Lisbon in Portugal. 46068 During the weeks leading up to the escape in July 1978 the prison 46069warders had noticed that attendances had fallen at film shows which 46070included "The Great Escape", and also that 220 knives and a huge quantity 46071of electric cable had disappeared. A guard explained, "Yes, we were 46072planning to look for them, but never got around to it." The warders had 46073not, however, noticed the gaping holes in the wall because they were 46074"covered with posters". Nor did they detect any of the spades, chisels, 46075water hoses and electric drills amassed by the inmates in large quantities. 46076The night before the breakout one guard had noticed that of the 36 46077prisoners in his block only 13 were present. He said this was "normal" 46078because inmates sometimes missed roll-call or hid, but usually came back 46079the next morning. 46080 "We only found out about the escape at 6:30 the next morning when 46081one of the prisoners told us," a warder said later. [...] When they 46082eventually checked, the prison guards found that exactly half of the gaol's 46083population was missing. By way of explanation the Justice Minister, Dr. 46084Santos Pais, claimed that the escape was "normal" and part of the 46085"legitimate desire of the prisoner to regain his liberty." 46086 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 46087% 46088The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them, 46089but to be indifferent to them; that's the essence of inhumanity. 46090 -- G.B. Shaw 46091% 46092The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they 46093are sober. 46094 -- William Butler Yeats 46095% 46096The worst thing one can do is not to try, to be aware of what one 46097wants and not give in to it, to spend years in silent hurt wondering 46098if something could have materialized -- and never knowing. 46099 -- David Viscott 46100% 46101The Wright Bothers weren't the first to fly. 46102They were just the first not to crash. 46103% 46104The yankees, son, are up north. 46105The damnyankees are down here. 46106% 46107The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of 46108four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all 46109the answers. 46110% 46111The young Georgia miss came to the hospital for a checkup. 46112 "Have you been X-rayed?" asked the doctor. 46113 "Nope," she said, "but ah've been ultraviolated." 46114% 46115The young lady had an unusual list, 46116Linked in part to a structural weakness. 46117She set no preconditions. 46118% 46119The young man-about-town enjoyed luxury but didn't always have the means 46120to buy it, and so he huffily walked out of the Miami Beach hotel when he 46121found out the charges for room, meals and golf privileges were $300 a day. 46122He registered across the street at an equally elegant hotel, where the 46123rates were only $70. The following morning he went down to the hotel's 46124golf course and asked Scotty, the pro, to sell him a couple of golf balls. 46125"Sure," said Scotty. "That'll be $25 apiece." 46126 "What?" screamed the bachelor. "In the hotel across the street 46127they only charge $1 a ball!" 46128 "Naturally," replied the pro. "Over there they get you by the 46129rooms." 46130% 46131THEGODDESSOFTHENETHASTWISTINGFINGERSANDHERVOICEISLIKEAJAVALININTHENIGHTDUDE 46132% 46133Their idea of an offer you can't refuse is an offer... 46134and you'd better not refuse. 46135% 46136Them as has, gets. 46137% 46138Then, gently touching my face, she hesitated for a moment as her 46139incredible eyes poured forth into mine love, joy, pain, tragedy, 46140acceptance, and peace. "'Bye for now," she said warmly. 46141 -- Thea Alexander, "2150 A.D." 46142% 46143Then there was LSD, which was supposed to make you think you could fly. 46144I remember it made you think you couldn't stand up, and mostly it was 46145right. 46146 -- P.J. O'Rourke 46147% 46148Then there was the Formosan bartender named Taiwan-On. 46149% 46150Then there was the ScoutMaster who got a fantastic deal on this case of 46151Tates brand compasses for his troup; only $1.25 each! Only problem was, 46152when they got them out in the woods, the compasses were all stuck pointing 46153to the "W" on the dial. 46154 46155Moral: 46156 He who has a Tates is lost! 46157% 46158"Then you admit confirming not denying you ever said that?" 46159"NO! ... I mean Yes! WHAT?" 46160"I'll put `maybe.'" 46161 -- Bloom County 46162% 46163Theology is an attempt to explain a subject by men who do not understand 46164it. The intent is not to tell the truth but to satisfy the questioner. 46165 -- Elbert Hubbard 46166% 46167Theorem: a cat has nine tails. 46168Proof: 46169 No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat. 46170 Therefore, a cat has nine tails. 46171% 46172Theorem: All positive integers are equal. 46173Proof: Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B, A = B. 46174 Further, it is sufficient to show that for all N > 0, if A and B 46175 (positive integers) satisfy (MAX(A, B) = N) then A = B. 46176 46177Proceed by induction: 46178 If N = 1, then A and B, being positive integers, must both be 1. 46179 So A = B. 46180 46181Assume that the theorem is true for some value k. Take A and B with 46182 MAX(A, B) = k+1. Then MAX((A-1), (B-1)) = k. And hence 46183 (A-1) = (B-1). Consequently, A = B. 46184% 46185Theorem: All programs are dull. 46186 46187Proof: Assume the contrary; i.e., the set of interesting programs is 46188nonempty. Arrange them (or it) in order of interest (note that all 46189sets can be well ordered, so do it properly). The minimal element is 46190the "least interesting program", the obvious dullness of which provides 46191the contradictory denouement we so devoutly seek. 46192 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 46193% 46194THEORY: 46195 System of ideas meant to explain something, chosen with a view to 46196 originality, controversialism, incomprehensibility, and how good 46197 it will look in print. 46198% 46199Theory is gray, but the golden tree of life is green. 46200 -- Goethe 46201% 46202Theory of Selective Supervision: 46203 The one time in the day that you lean back and relax is 46204 the one time the boss walks through the office. 46205% 46206There appears before you a threatening figure clad all over in heavy black 46207armor. His legs seem like the massive trunk of the oak tree. His broad 46208shoulders and helmeted head loom high over your own puny frame and you 46209realize that his powerful arms could easily crush the very life from your 46210body. There hangs from his belt a veritable arsenal of deadly weapons: 46211sword, mace, ball and chain, dagger, lance, and trident. 46212He speaks with a commanding voice: 46213 46214 "YOU SHALL NOT PASS" 46215 46216As he grabs you by the neck all grows dim about you. 46217% 46218There appears to be irrefutable evidence that 46219the mere fact of overcrowding induces violence. 46220 -- Harvey Wheeler 46221% 46222There are a few things that never go out of style, 46223and a feminine woman is one of them. 46224 -- Ralston 46225% 46226There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true. 46227 -- Winston Churchill 46228% 46229There are bad times just around the corner, 46230There are dark clouds hurtling through the sky 46231And it's no good whining 46232About a silver lining 46233For we know from experience that they won't roll by... 46234 -- Noel Coward 46235% 46236There are few people more often in the wrong 46237than those who cannot endure to be thought so. 46238% 46239There are few virtues that the Poles do not possess -- 46240and there are few mistakes they have ever avoided. 46241 -- W. Churchill, Parliament, August, 1945 46242% 46243There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, 46244excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy... 46245 -- Ambrose Bierce 46246% 46247There are four stages to a marriage. First there's the affair, then there's 46248the marriage, then children and finally the fourth stage, without which you 46249cannot know a woman, the divorce. 46250 -- Norman Mailer 46251% 46252There are in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of the 46253two has the following record: The Vietnam War, Watergate, double-digit 46254inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the 8-cent 46255postcard. The second is responsible for such things as the transistor, 46256the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity stereo recording, 46257sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative feedback, magnetic tape, 46258magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching systems, microwave radio and TV 46259relay systems, information theory, the first electrical digital computer, 46260and the first communications satellite. Guess which one is going to tell 46261the other how to run the telephone business? I can hardly wait for the 46262results. 46263% 46264There are many intelligent species in 46265the universe, and they all own cats. 46266% 46267There are many of us in this old world of ours who hold that things break 46268about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get 46269about the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summer and the poor 46270get it in the winter. 46271 -- Bat Masterson 46272% 46273There are many people today who literally do not have a close personal 46274friend. They may know something that we don't. They are probably 46275avoiding a great deal of pain. 46276% 46277There are more dead people than living, and their numbers are increasing. 46278 -- Eugene Ionesco 46279% 46280There are more old drunkards than old doctors. 46281% 46282There are more things in heaven and earth than any place else. 46283% 46284There are more things in heaven and earth, 46285Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy. 46286 -- Hamlet 46287% 46288There are more ways of killing a cat than choking her with cream. 46289% 46290There are never any bugs you haven't found yet. 46291% 46292There are new messages. 46293% 46294There are no accidents whatsoever in the universe. 46295 -- Baba Ram Dass 46296% 46297There are no answers, only cross-references. 46298 -- Weiner 46299% 46300There are no emotional victims, only volunteers. 46301% 46302There are no great men, buster. There are only men. 46303 -- Elaine Stewart, "The Bad and the Beautiful" 46304% 46305There are no great men, only great challenges that 46306ordinary men are forced by circumstances to meet. 46307 -- Admiral William Halsey 46308% 46309There are no manifestos like cannon and musketry. 46310 -- The Duke of Wellington 46311% 46312There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the existence 46313of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any marginally 46314competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat engine and make 46315some other part of hell comfortably cool. This is obviously impossible. 46316 -- Richard Davisson 46317% 46318There are no rules for March. March is spring, sort 46319of, usually, March means maybe, but don't bet on it. 46320% 46321There are no winners in life, only survivors. 46322% 46323There are only two kinds of men -- the dead and the deadly. 46324 -- Helen Rowland 46325% 46326There are only two kinds of tequila. Good and better. 46327% 46328There are only two things in this world that I am sure of, death and 46329taxes, and we just might do something about death one of these days. 46330 -- shades 46331% 46332There are people so addicted to exaggeration 46333that they can't tell the truth without lying. 46334 -- Josh Billings 46335% 46336There are people who find it odd to eat four or five Chinese meals 46337in a row; in China, I often remind them, there are a billion or so 46338people who find nothing odd about it. 46339 -- Calvin Trillin 46340% 46341There are places I'll remember 46342All my life though some have changed. 46343Some forever not for better 46344Some have gone and some remain. 46345All these places had their moments 46346With lovers and friends I still recall. 46347Some are dead and some are living, 46348In my life I've loved them all. 46349 46350But of all these friends and lovers, 46351There is no one compared with you, 46352All these memories lose their meaning 46353When I think of love as something new. 46354Though I know I'll never lose affection 46355For people and things that went before, 46356I know I'll often stop and think about them 46357In my life I'll love you more. 46358 -- Lennon/McCartney, "In My Life", 1965 46359% 46360There are running jobs. 46361Why don't you go chase them? 46362% 46363There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both 46364plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis; 46365and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again, 46366don't we all. 46367% 46368There are strange things done in the midnight sun 46369 By the men who moil for gold; 46370The Arctic trails have their secret tales 46371 That would make your blood run cold; 46372The Northern Lights have seen queer sights, 46373 But the queerest they ever did see 46374Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge 46375 I cremated Sam McGee. 46376 -- Robert W. Service 46377% 46378There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life 46379is the process of discovering them over and over and over. 46380 -- David Nichols 46381% 46382There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells and 46383fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated pools here 46384and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving them parched for 46385wonder. There are also those who believe that if you stick your fingers up 46386your nose and blow, it will increase your intelligence. 46387 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII 46388% 46389"There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells and 46390fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated pools here 46391and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving them parched for 46392wonder. There are also those who believe that if you stick your fingers up 46393your nose and blow, it will increase your intelligence." 46394 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII 46395% 46396There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics. 46397 -- Benjamin Disraeli 46398% 46399There are three kinds of people: men, women, and unix. 46400% 46401There are three possibilities: 46402Pioneer's solar panel has turned away from the sun; 46403there's a large meteor blocking transmission; 46404someone loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor. 46405% 46406There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be 46407offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a 46408series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of 46409food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection 46410increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the 46411affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no 46412circumstances can the food be omitted. 46413 -- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behaviour 46414% 46415There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need 46416the money; the second that you have something to say that you think the 46417world should know; the third is that you can't think what to do with the 46418long winter evenings. 46419 -- Quentin Crisp 46420% 46421There are three rules for writing a novel. 46422Unfortunately, no one knows what they are. 46423 -- Maugham 46424% 46425There are three schools of magic. One: State a tautology, then ring the 46426changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy. Two: Record many facts. 46427Try to find a pattern. Then make a wrong guess at the next fact; that's 46428science. Three: Be aware that you live in a malevolent Universe controlled 46429by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's Factor; that's engineering. 46430% 46431There are three things I always forget. Names, faces -- the third I 46432can't remember. 46433 -- Italo Svevo 46434% 46435There are three things I have always loved 46436and never understood -- art, music, and women. 46437% 46438There are three things men can do with women: 46439love them, suffer for them, or turn them into literature. 46440 -- Stephen Stills 46441% 46442There are three ways to get something done: 46443 46444 1: Do it yourself. 46445 2: Hire someone to do it for you. 46446 3: Forbid your kids to do it. 46447% 46448There are three ways to get something done: 46449do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it. 46450% 46451There are twenty-five people left in the world, 46452and twenty-seven of them are hamburgers. 46453 -- Ed Sanders 46454% 46455There are two jazz musicians who are great buddies. They hang out and play 46456together for years, virtually inseparable. Unfortunately, one of them is 46457struck by a truck and killed. About a week later his friend wakes up in 46458the middle of the night with a start because he can feel a presence in the 46459room. He calls out, "Who's there? Who's there? What's going on?" 46460 "It's me -- Bob," replies a faraway voice. 46461 Excitedly he sits up in bed. "Bob! Bob! Is that you? Where are 46462you?" 46463 "Well," says the voice, "I'm in heaven now." 46464 "Heaven! You're in heaven! That's wonderful! What's it like?" 46465 "It's great, man. I gotta tell you, I'm jamming up here every day. 46466I'm playing with Bird, and 'Trane, and Count Basie drops in all the time! 46467Man it is smokin'!" 46468 "Oh, wow!" says his friend. "That sounds fantastic, tell me more, 46469tell me more!" 46470 "Let me put it this way," continues the voice. "There's good news 46471and bad news. The good news is that these guys are in top form. I mean 46472I have *never* heard them sound better. They are *wailing* up here." 46473 "The bad news is that God has this girlfriend that sings..." 46474% 46475There are two kinds of fool. One says, "This is old, and therefore good." 46476And one says "This is new, and therefore better." 46477 -- John Brunner, "The Shockwave Rider" 46478% 46479There are two kinds of fool. One says, "This is old, and therefore good." 46480And one says, "This is new, and therefore better" 46481 -- John Brunner, "The Shockwave Rider" 46482% 46483There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead. 46484 -- Lord Thomas Rober Dewar 46485% 46486There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. 46487We don't believe this to be a coincidence. 46488 -- Jeremy S. Anderson 46489% 46490There are two problems with a major hangover. You feel 46491like you are going to die and you're afraid that you won't. 46492% 46493There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -- before 46494marriage and after marriage. 46495% 46496There are two ways of constructing a software design. One way is to make 46497it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies and the other is to 46498make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. 46499 -- C.A.R. Hoare 46500% 46501There are two ways of disliking art. 46502One is to dislike it. 46503The other is to like it rationally. 46504 -- Oscar Wilde 46505% 46506There are two ways of disliking poetry; 46507one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope. 46508 -- Oscar Wilde 46509% 46510There are two ways to write error-free 46511programs; only the third one works. 46512% 46513There are very few personal problems that cannot be 46514solved through a suitable application of high explosives. 46515% 46516There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening 46517with an insurance salesman? 46518 -- Woody Allen 46519% 46520There be sober men a'plenty, and drunkards barely twenty; there are men 46521of over ninety who have never yet kissed a girl. But give me the rambling 46522rover, from Orkney down to Dover, we will roam the whole world over, and 46523together we'll face the world. 46524 -- Andy Stewart, "After the Hush" 46525% 46526There but for the grace of God, goes God. 46527 -- Winston Churchill, speaking of Sir Stafford Cripps. 46528% 46529There can be no daily democracy without daily citizenship. 46530 -- Ralph Nader 46531% 46532There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. 46533 -- Henry Kissinger 46534% 46535There comes a time in the affairs of a man when he 46536has to take the bull by the tail and face the situation. 46537 -- W.C. Fields 46538% 46539There comes a time to stop being angry. 46540 -- A Small Circle of Friends 46541% 46542There exist tasks which cannot be done 46543by more than 10 men or fewer than 100. 46544 -- Steele's Law 46545% 46546There goes the good time that was had by all. 46547 -- Bette Davis, remarking on a passing starlet 46548% 46549There has also been some work to allow the interesting use of macro names. 46550For example, if you wanted all of your "creat()" calls to include read 46551permissions for everyone, you could say 46552 46553 #define creat(file, mode) creat(file, mode | 0444) 46554 46555 I would recommend against this kind of thing in general, since it 46556hides the changed semantics of "creat()" in a macro, potentially far away 46557from its uses. 46558 To allow this use of macros, the preprocessor uses a process that 46559is worth describing, if for no other reason than that we get to use one of 46560the more amusing terms introduced into the C lexicon. While a macro is 46561being expanded, it is temporarily undefined, and any recurrence of the macro 46562name is "painted blue" -- I kid you not, this is the official terminology 46563-- so that in future scans of the text the macro will not be expanded 46564recursively. (I do not know why the color blue was chosen; I'm sure it 46565was the result of a long debate, spread over several meetings.) 46566 -- From Ken Arnold's "C Advisor" column in Unix Review 46567% 46568There has been a little distress selling on the stock exchange. 46569 -- Thomas W. Lamont, October 29, 1929 46570% 46571There has been an alarming increase in the 46572number of things you know nothing about. 46573% 46574There is a 20% chance of tomorrow. 46575% 46576There is a building with four floors. On the first floor, there 46577is a convention of architects. On the second floor, there is a 46578vinyl manufacturing plant. On the third floor there is a fast food 46579stand, and on the fourth floor there is a library. 46580 46581Q: What would happen if a librarian traveled down in a small 46582 elevator with one other person from each floor? 46583A: The elevator would be full. 46584% 46585There is a certain frame of mind to which a cemetery 46586is, if not an antidote, at least an alleviation. If 46587you are in a fit of the blues, go nowhere else. 46588 --Robert Louis Stevenson: Immortelles 46589% 46590There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an 46591opinion. 46592 -- Anatole France 46593% 46594There is a fly on your nose. 46595% 46596There is a good deal of solemn cant about the common interests of capital 46597and labour. As matters stand, their only common interest is that of cutting 46598each other's throat. 46599 -- Brooks Atkinson, "Once Around the Sun" 46600% 46601There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: 46602that of paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write. 46603% 46604There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder. 46605% 46606There is a limit to the admiration we may hold for a man who spends 46607his waking hours poking the contents of chickens with a stick. 46608 -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume" 46609% 46610There is a new anti-communist organization that advocates the use of 46611wooden toilet seats. 46612 46613It's called the Birch John Society. 46614% 46615There is a road to freedom. Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor, Honesty, 46616Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and love of the 46617Fatherland. 46618 -- Adolf Hitler 46619% 46620There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly 46621what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear 46622and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There 46623is another theory which states that this has already happened. 46624 -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy 46625% 46626There is a time in the tides of men, 46627Which, taken at its flood, leads on to success. 46628On the other hand, don't count on it. 46629 -- T.K. Lawson 46630% 46631There is a vast difference between the savage and civilized man, but it 46632is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast. 46633 -- Helen Rowland 46634% 46635There is always more hell that needs raising. 46636 -- Lauren Leveut 46637% 46638There is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling 46639somebody out. 46640 -- Joan Didion, "Slouching Towards Bethlehem" 46641% 46642There is always someone worse off than yourself. 46643% 46644There is always something new out of Africa. 46645 -- Gaius Plinius Secundus 46646% 46647There is an innocence in admiration; it is found in those to whom it 46648has not yet occurred that they, too, might be admired some day. 46649 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 46650% 46651There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty. 46652"When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend." 46653 -- Mark Twain 46654% 46655There is brutality and there is honesty. 46656There is no such thing as brutal honesty. 46657% 46658There is grandeur in this view of life, with its several powers, 46659having been originally breathed into a few forms or into one; and that, 46660whilst this planet has gone cycling on according to the fixed law of 46661gravity, from so simple a beginning endless forms most beautiful and 46662most wonderful have been, and are being, evolved. 46663 -- Darwin 46664% 46665There is hardly a thing in the world that some man can 46666not make a little worse and sell a little cheaper. 46667% 46668There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum. 46669 -- Arthur C. Clarke 46670% 46671There is in certain living souls 46672A quality of loneliness unspeakable, 46673So great it must be shared 46674As company is shared by lesser beings. 46675Such a loneliness is mine; so know by this 46676That in immensity 46677There is one lonelier than you. 46678% 46679There is, in fact, no reason to believe that any given natural phenomenon, 46680however marvelous it may seem today, will remain forever inexplicable. 46681Soon or late the laws governing the production of life itself will be 46682discovered in the laboratory, and man may set up business as a creator 46683on his own account. The thing, indeed, is not only conceivable; it is 46684even highly probable. 46685 -- H.L. Mencken, 1930 46686% 46687There is is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home. 46688 -- Ken Olsen (President of Digital Equipment Corporation), 46689 Convention of the World Future Society, in Boston, 1977 46690% 46691There is Jackson standing like a stone wall. Let us determine to die, 46692and we will conquer. Follow me. 46693 -- General Barnard E. Bee (CSA) 46694% 46695There is more simplicity in a man who eats caviar on impulse than in a 46696man who eats Grapenuts on principle. 46697 -- G.K. Chesterton 46698% 46699There is more simplicity in the man who eats caviar on impulse than in the 46700man who eats Grap-Nuts on principle. 46701 -- G.K. Chesterton 46702% 46703There is more to life than increasing its speed. 46704 -- Mahatma Gandhi 46705% 46706There is more to life than increasing its speed. 46707 -- Mohandis K. Gandhi 46708% 46709There is much Obi-Wan did not tell you. 46710 -- Darth Vader 46711% 46712There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is 46713always enough time to do it over. 46714% 46715There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over. 46716% 46717There is no act of treachery or mean-ness of which a political party 46718is not capable; for in politics there is no honour. 46719 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Vivian Grey" 46720% 46721There is no better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law. 46722No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets truth. 46723 -- Jean Giraudoux, "Tiger at the Gates" 46724% 46725There is no better way to exercise the imagination than the study of the law. 46726No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth. 46727 -- Jean Giradoux 46728% 46729"There is no choice before us. Either we must Succeed in providing 46730the rational coordination of impulses and guts, or for centuries 46731civilization will sink into a mere welter of minor excitements. 46732We must provide a Great Age or see the collapse of the upward 46733striving of the human race" 46734 -- Alfred North Whitehead 46735% 46736There is no comfort without pain; thus 46737we define salvation through suffering. 46738 -- Cato 46739% 46740There is no cure for birth and death other than to enjoy the interval. 46741 -- George Santayana 46742% 46743There is no delight the equal of dread. 46744As long as it is somebody else's. 46745 --Clive Barker 46746% 46747There is no distinction between any AI program and some existent game. 46748% 46749There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. 46750 -- Mark Twain 46751% 46752There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he 46753filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary 46754as 'unearned income.' 46755 -- Michael Lara 46756% 46757There is no education that is not political. An apolitical 46758education is also political because it is purposely isolating. 46759% 46760There is no Father Christmas. It's just a marketing ploy to make low income 46761parents' lives a misery. ... I want you to picture the trusting face of a 46762child, streaked with tears because of what you just said. I want you to 46763picture the face of its mother, because one week's dole won't pay for one 46764Master of the Universe Battlecruiser! 46765 -- Filthy Rich and Catflap 46766% 46767There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear. 46768% 46769There is no fool to the old fool. 46770 -- John Heywood 46771% 46772There is no future in time travel. 46773% 46774There is no grief which time does not lessen and soften. 46775% 46776There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted 46777armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter. 46778 -- Ernest Hemingway 46779% 46780There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom. 46781 -- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923 46782% 46783There is no ox so dumb as the orthodox. 46784 -- George Francis Gillette 46785% 46786There is no point in waiting. 46787The train stopped running years ago. 46788All the schedules, the brochures, 46789The bright-colored posters full of lies, 46790Promise rides to a distant country 46791That no longer exists. 46792% 46793There is no proverb that is not true. 46794 -- Cervantes 46795% 46796There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools 46797to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. 46798So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and war hold him in 46799check. And also the wife who wants him home by five, of course. 46800 -- Encyclopadia Apocryphia, 1990 ed. 46801% 46802There is no royal road to geometry. 46803 -- Euclid 46804% 46805There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist. 46806% 46807There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it. 46808 -- G.B. Shaw 46809% 46810There is no security on this earth. There is only opportunity. 46811 -- General Douglas MacArthur 46812% 46813There is no sin but ignorance. 46814 -- Christopher Marlowe 46815% 46816There is no sincerer love than the love of food. 46817 -- George Bernard Shaw 46818% 46819There is no statute of limitations on stupidity. 46820% 46821There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes. 46822% 46823There *is* no such thing as a civil engineer. 46824% 46825There is no such thing as a free lunch. 46826% 46827There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands. 46828% 46829There is no such thing as an ugly woman -- there are only 46830the ones who do not know how to make themselves attractive. 46831 -- Christian Dior 46832% 46833There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. 46834Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behaviour. 46835 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" 46836% 46837There is no such thing as pure pleasure; 46838some anxiety always goes with it. 46839% 46840There is no time like the pleasant. 46841% 46842There is no time like the present 46843for postponing what you ought to be doing. 46844% 46845There is not a man in the country that can't make a living for himself and 46846family. But he can't make a living for them *and* his government, too, 46847the way his government is living. What the government has got to do is 46848live as cheap as the people. 46849 -- The Best of Will Rogers 46850% 46851There is not much to choose between a woman who deceives 46852us for another, and a woman who deceives another for ourselves. 46853 -- Augier 46854% 46855There is not opinion so absurd that some philosopher will not express it. 46856 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares" 46857% 46858There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result. 46859 -- Churchill 46860% 46861There is nothing more silly than a silly laugh. 46862 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus 46863% 46864There is nothing new except what has been forgotten. 46865 -- Marie Antoinette 46866% 46867There is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult 46868when you do it reluctantly. 46869 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) 46870% 46871There is nothing stranger in a strange land than the stranger who 46872comes to visit. 46873% 46874There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine," said 46875a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat. 46876 "And yet just a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with 46877an unanswerable question," said Nasrudin. 46878 "I could have answered it if I had been there." 46879 "Very well. He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in 46880the middle of the night?'" 46881% 46882There is nothing wrong with abstinence, in moderation. 46883% 46884There is nothing wrong with writing ... as long as it 46885is done in private and you wash your hands afterward. 46886% 46887There is one difference between a tax collector and 46888a taxidermist -- the taxidermist leaves the hide. 46889 -- Mortimer Caplan 46890% 46891There is one way to find out if a man is honest -- ask him. If he says 46892"Yes" you know he is crooked. 46893 -- Groucho Marx 46894% 46895There is only one thing in the world worse than being 46896talked about, and that is not being talked about. 46897 -- Oscar Wilde 46898% 46899There is only one way to be happy by means of the heart -- to have none. 46900 -- Paul Bourget 46901% 46902There is only one way to console a widow. But remember the risk. 46903 -- Robert Heinlein 46904% 46905There is only one way to kill capitalism -- 46906by taxes, taxes, and more taxes. 46907 -- Karl Marx 46908% 46909There is only one word for aid that is genuinely without strings, 46910and that word is blackmail. 46911 -- Colm Brogan 46912% 46913There is perhaps in every thing of any consequence, secret history, which 46914it would be amusing to know, could we have it authentically communicated. 46915 -- James Boswell 46916% 46917There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale 46918returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact. 46919 -- Mark Twain 46920% 46921There is something in the pang of change 46922More than the heart can bear, 46923Unhappiness remembering happiness. 46924 -- Euripides 46925% 46926There is very little future in being right when your boss is wrong. 46927% 46928There isn't room enough in this dress for both of us! 46929% 46930There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who 46931constantly divide the people of the world into two classes and those 46932who do not. 46933 -- Robert Benchley 46934% 46935There must be at least 500,000,000 rats in the United 46936States; of course, I never heard the story before. 46937% 46938There must be more to life than having everything. 46939 -- Maurice Sendak 46940% 46941There never was a good war or a bad peace. 46942 -- B. Franklin 46943% 46944There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The 46945king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished 46946in his heart that the son ould be wise and compassionate. One day he said 46947to the prince: 46948 "If you promised that you would give a certain women anything, even 46949half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend, 46950what would your decision be, my son?" 46951 The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell 46952her that she was my best friend, and cut her head off." 46953 The king knew that his son would be a great king. 46954% 46955There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The 46956king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished 46957in his heart that the son ould be wise and compassionate. One day he said 46958to the prince: 46959 "If you promised that you would give a certain women anything, even 46960half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend, 46961what would your decision be, my son?" 46962 The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell 46963her that the life of my best friend did not lie in the half of the kingdom 46964that I had promised." 46965 The king knew that his son would be a great king. 46966% 46967There seems no plan because it is all plan. 46968 -- C.S. Lewis 46969% 46970There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it." 46971 -- C.S. Lewis, "The Chronicles of Narnia" 46972% 46973There was a little girl 46974Who had a little curl 46975Right in the middle of her forehead. 46976When she was good, she was very, very good 46977And when she was bad, she was very, very popular. 46978 -- Max Miller, "The Max Miller Blue Book" 46979% 46980There was a man who enjoyed playing golf, and could occasionallly put up 46981with taking in a round with his wife. One time (with his wife along) he 46982was having an extremely bad round. On the 12th hole, he sliced a drive 46983over by a grounds-keepers' shack. Although he did not have a clear shot 46984to the green, his wife noticed that there were two doors on the shack, 46985and there was a possibility that, if both doors were opened, he might be 46986able to hit through. Without hesitation, he instructed his wife to go 46987around to the other side and open the far door. Sure enough, this gave 46988him a clear path to the green. He stepped up to his ball and prepared 46989to hit. His wife had been standing by the far door waiting for him to 46990hit through. After a moment, she became curious and stuck her head in 46991the doorway, to see what he was doing. At that exact moment, the husband 46992cracked a three-wood that hit his wife square on the forehead, killing 46993her instantly. A few weeks later, the man was playing a round at the same 46994course, this time with a friend of his. Once again on the 12th hole, he 46995sliced his drive to the shack. His friend suggested that he might be able 46996to hit through, if he was to open both doors. 46997 "Nah", replied the man, "Last time I did that I took a 7". 46998% 46999There was a phone call for you. 47000% 47001There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were 47002left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley. 47003Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so 47004they started debating who should be allowed to stay. The Pope pointed 47005out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all over the world, 47006the President explained that if he died then America would be stuck 47007with the Vice-President, and so forth. Then Mayor Daley said, "Look! 47008We're not solving anything like this! The only fair thing to do is 47009to vote on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97 votes. 47010% 47011There was a writer in 'Life' magazine ... who claimed that rabbits have 47012no memory, which is one of their defensive mechanisms. If they recalled 47013every close shave they had in the course of just an hour life would become 47014insupportable. 47015 -- Kurt Vonnegut 47016% 47017There was a young man from Brazil, 47018And a lady who'd not take the pill, 47019 They lay on the sofa, 47020 And a <$H12{ot]{ok]{ob{o[]{oR{oK{oDpo~po~pot~poe~{ o!po~po~poq~ 47021n~po_~{o[po ~poz~pok~po\~{o 470228]{o/pomF~po^~{opoh~poY~{opoc~poT~{op~po^~poO~{o[~poY~ poJ~{oF~poT~poE~{o1~ 47023% 47024There was a young man from LeDoux, 47025Whose limericks stopped at line two. 47026 47027There was a young man from Verdunne. 47028 47029 [Actually, there are three limericks in this series, the third one 47030 is about some guy named Nero. If anyone has a copy of it, please 47031 mail it to "fortune". Ed.] 47032% 47033There was an old Indian belief that by making love on the hide of 47034their favorite animal, one could guarantee the health and prosperity 47035of the offspring conceived thereupon. And so it goes that one Indian 47036couple made love on a buffalo hide. Nine months later, they were 47037blessed with a healthy baby son. Yet another couple huddled together 47038on the hide of a deer and they too were blessed with a very healthy 47039baby son. But a third couple, whose favorite animal was a hippopotamus, 47040were blessed with not one, but TWO very healthy baby sons at the conclusion 47041of the nine month interval. All of which proves the old theorem that: 47042The sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of 47043the squaws of the other two hides. 47044% 47045There was, it appeared, a mysterious rite of initiation through which, 47046in one way or another, almost every member of the team passed. The term 47047that the old hands used for this rite -- West invented the term, not the 47048practice -- was `signing up.' By signing up for the project you agreed 47049to do whatever was necessary for success. You agreed to forsake, if 47050necessary, family, hobbies, and friends -- if you had any of these left 47051(and you might not, if you had signed up too many times before). 47052 -- Tracy Kidder, "The Soul of a New Machine" 47053% 47054There was this New Yorker that had a lifelong ambition to be an Texan. 47055Fortunately, he had an Texan friend and went to him for advice. "Mike, 47056you know I've always wanted to be a Texan. You're a *real* Texan, what 47057should I do?" 47058 "Well," answered Mike, "The first thing you've got to do is look 47059like a Texan. That means you have to dress right. The second thing 47060you've got to do is speak in a southern drawl." 47061 "Thanks, Mike, I'll give it a try," replied the New Yorker. 47062 A few weeks passed and the New Yorker saunters into a store dressed 47063in a ten-gallon hat, cowboy boots, Levi jeans and a bandanna. "Hey, there, 47064pardner, I'd like some beef, not too rare, and some of them fresh biscuits," 47065he tells the counterman. 47066 The guy behind the counter takes a long look at him and then says, 47067"You must be from New York." 47068 The New Yorker blushes, and says, "Well, yes, I am. How did 47069you know?" 47070 "Because this is a hardware store." 47071% 47072There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when 47073the boss asks for a lift home from office. 47074% 47075There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when 47076the boss asks for a lift home from the office. 47077% 47078There will be big changes for you but you will be happy. 47079% 47080There will be sex after death, we just won't be able to feel it. 47081 -- Lily Tomlin 47082% 47083Therefore it is necessary to learn how not to be good, and to use 47084this knowledge and not use it, according to the necessity of the cause. 47085 -- Machiavelli 47086% 47087There's a couple of million dollars worth of baseball talent on the loose, 47088ready for the big leagues, yet unsigned by any major league. There are 47089pitchers who would win 20 games a season ... and outfielders [who] could 47090hit .350, infielders who could win recognition as stars, and there's at 47091least one catcher who at this writing is probably superior to Bill Dickey, 47092Josh Gibson. Only one thing is keeping them out of the big leagues, the 47093pigmentation of their skin. They happen to be colored. 47094 -- Shirley Povich, 1941 47095% 47096There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not 47097a fence. 47098% 47099There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. 47100Too bad it's not a fence. 47101% 47102There's a lesson that I need to remember 47103When everything is falling apart 47104In life, just like in loving 47105There's such a thing as trying to hard 47106 47107You've gotta sing 47108Like you don't need the money 47109Love like you'll never get hurt 47110You've gotta dance 47111Like nobody's watching 47112It's gotta come from the heart 47113If you want it to work. 47114 -- Kathy Mattea 47115% 47116There's a lot to be said for not saying a lot. 47117% 47118There's a man deeply in debt, see, and he takes the money he has left 47119and goes to Monte Carlo to try to recoup at the roulette tables. Won a 47120little, lost a lot, and was down to his last franc. Prayed for help. 47121A voice whispered in his ear: "Le rouge..." Man looked around; nobody 47122there. What the hell -- he puts his last franc on the red, and it won. 47123The voice immediately said, "Encore le rouge..." Played red again, and 47124it won again. The voice said, "Impair..." Played odd, and it won. Voice 47125said, "Quinze..." so he put all the money on 15, and it won. This went 47126on for hours, the voice telling him what to bet, and the man putting all 47127his money on what the voice said, and winning. Finally when the voice 47128spoke, the man protested that he'd won millions of dollars and wanted to 47129quit. The voice was inexorable: "Douze..." The man put the money on 12, 47130and 11 came up -- he had lost everything -- the voice murmured "Merde!!" 47131% 47132There's a thrill in store for all for we're about to toast 47133The corporation that we represent. 47134We're here to cheer each pioneer and also proudly boast, 47135Of that man of men our sterling president 47136The name of T.J. Watson means 47137A courage none can stem 47138And we feel honored to be here to toast the IBM. 47139 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook 47140% 47141There's a trick to the Graceful Exit. It begins with the vision to 47142recognize when a job, a life stage, a relationship is over -- and to 47143let go. It means leaving what's over without denying its validity 47144or its past importance in our lives. It involves a sense of future, 47145a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving on, 47146rather than out. The trick of retiring well may be the trick of 47147living well. It's hard to recognize that life isn't a holding 47148action, but a process. It's hard to learn that we don't leave the 47149best parts of ourselves behind, back in the dugout or the office. 47150We own what we learned back there. The experiences and the growth 47151are grafted onto our lives. And when we exit, we can take ourselves 47152along -- quite gracefully. 47153 -- Ellen Goodman 47154% 47155There's a whole WORLD in a mud puddle! 47156 -- Doug Clifford 47157% 47158There's always free cheese in a mouse trap. 47159% 47160There's always free cheese in a mousetrap. 47161% 47162There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to. 47163% 47164There's been no top authority saying what marijuana does to you. I really 47165don't know that much about it. I tried it once but it didn't do anything 47166to me. 47167 -- John Wayne 47168% 47169There's been no top authority saying what marijuana does to you. 47170I really don't know that much about it. I tried it once but it 47171didn't do anything to me. 47172 -- John Wayne 47173% 47174There's got to be more to life than compile-and-go. 47175% 47176There's just something I don't like about Virginia; the state. 47177% 47178There's little in taking or giving, 47179 There's little in water or wine: 47180This living, this living, this living, 47181 Was never a project of mine. 47182Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is 47183 The gain of the one at the top, 47184For art is a form of catharsis, 47185 And love is a permanent flop, 47186And work is the provence of cattle, 47187 And rest's for a clam in a shell, 47188So I'm thinking of throwing the battle -- 47189 Would you kindly direct me to hell? 47190 -- Dorothy Parker 47191% 47192There's no future in time travel. 47193% 47194There's no heavier burden than a great potential. 47195% 47196There's no justice in this world. 47197 -- Frank Costello, on the prosecution of "Lucky" Luciano by 47198 New York district attorney Thomas Dewey after Luciano had 47199 saved Dewey from assassination by Dutch Schultz (by ordering 47200 the assassination of Schultz instead) 47201% 47202There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes. 47203 -- Dr. Who 47204% 47205There's no room in the drug world for amateurs. 47206 -- Raoul Duke 47207% 47208There's no saint like a reformed sinner. 47209% 47210There's no sense in being precise when you don't even know 47211what you're talking about. 47212 -- John von Neumann 47213% 47214There's no such thing as a free lunch. 47215 -- Milton Friendman 47216% 47217There's no such thing as an original sin. 47218 -- Elvis Costello 47219% 47220There's no such thing as pure pleasure; some anxiety always goes with it. 47221% 47222There's no time like the pleasant. 47223% 47224There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government 47225working for you. 47226 -- Will Rodgers 47227% 47228There's no use being precise about something 47229when you don't even know what you're talking about. 47230 -- John von Neumann 47231% 47232There's no use in having a dog and doing your own barking. 47233% 47234There's nothing in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead 47235armadillos. 47236 -- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner 47237% 47238There's nothing like a girl with a plunging 47239neckline to keep a man on his toes. 47240% 47241There's nothing like a good does of another woman to make a man appreciate 47242his wife. 47243 -- Clare Booth Luce 47244% 47245There's nothing like good food, good wine, and a bad girl. 47246% 47247There's nothing like the face of a kid eating a Hershey bar. 47248% 47249There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right 47250keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself. 47251 -- J.S. Bach 47252% 47253There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit at a typewriter 47254and open a vein. 47255 -- Red Smith 47256% 47257There's nothing very mysterious about you, except that 47258nobody really knows your origin, purpose, or destination. 47259% 47260There's nothing worse for your business than 47261extra Santa Clauses smoking in the men's room. 47262 -- W. Bossert 47263% 47264There's nothing wrong with teenagers that 47265reasoning with them won't aggravate. 47266% 47267There's one consolation about matrimony. When you look around you can 47268always see somebody who did worse. 47269 -- Warren H. Goldsmith 47270% 47271There's one fool at least in every married couple. 47272% 47273There's only one everything. 47274% 47275There's only one way to have a happy marriage 47276and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again. 47277 -- Clint Eastwood 47278% 47279There's small choice in rotten apples. 47280 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew" 47281% 47282There's so much plastic in this culture that 47283vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic. 47284 -- Lily Tomlin 47285% 47286There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me. 47287% 47288There's something different about us -- different from people of Europe, 47289Africa, Asia ... a deep and abiding belief in the Easter Bunny. 47290 -- G. Gordon Liddy 47291% 47292There's something the technicians need to learn from the artists. 47293If it isn't aesthetically pleasing, it's probably wrong. 47294% 47295There's such a thing as too much point on a pencil. 47296 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow" 47297% 47298There's too much beauty upon this earth for lonely men to bear. 47299 -- Richard Le Gallienne 47300% 47301These activities have their own rules and methods 47302of concealment which seek to mislead and obscure. 47303 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, 1960 47304% 47305These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what 47306they used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink. 47307% 47308They also serve who only stand and wait. 47309 -- John Milton 47310% 47311They also surf who only stand on waves. 47312% 47313They are called computers simply because computation is 47314the only significant job that has so far been given to them. 47315% 47316They are cold-blooded. They are completely ruthless about protecting 47317what they have. The only thing they connect to is the money aspect of 47318life. Let's face it: That's the American way. 47319 -- Jeffery M. Johnson, regional chairman of the District 47320 of Columbia United Way, speaking of drug dealers. 47321% 47322They are ill discoverers that think there is no land, 47323when they can see nothing but sea. 47324 -- Francis Bacon 47325% 47326They are relatively good but absolutely terrible. 47327 -- Alan Kay, commenting on Apollos 47328% 47329They call them "squares" because it's the 47330most complicated shape they can deal with. 47331% 47332They can't stop us... we're on a mission from God! 47333 -- The Blues Brothers 47334% 47335They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist... 47336 -- Civil War General John Sedgwick, his last 47337 words, Battle of Spotsylvania Court House, 1864 47338% 47339They [District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there 47340are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity: 47341 47342(1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and confiscate 47343 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold a press 47344 conference where you announce that they have a street value of $850 47345 million. These raids never fail, because ALL high schools, including 47346 brand-new, never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana cigarettes in 47347 the lockers. As far as anyone can tell, the locker factory puts them 47348 there. 47349(2) Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you announce 47350 you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a piece of human 47351 sleaze. This also never fails, because you always get a conviction. 47352 A juror at a pornography trial is not about to state for the record 47353 that he finds nothing obscene about a movie where actors engage in 47354 sexual activities with live snakes and a fire extinguisher. He is 47355 going to convict the bookstore owner, and vote for the death penalty 47356 just to make sure nobody gets the wrong impression. 47357 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" 47358% 47359They don't know how the world is shaped. And so they give it a shape, and 47360try to make everything fit it. They separate the right from the left, the 47361man from the woman, the plant from the animal, the sun from the moon. They 47362only want to count to two. 47363 -- Emma Bull, "Bone Dance" 47364% 47365They don't suffer. They can't even speak English. 47366 -- George F. Baer, answering a reporter's 47367 question about the suffering of starving miners. 47368% 47369They finally got King Midas, I hear. Gild by association. 47370% 47371They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps. 47372 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost" 47373% 47374They just buzzed and buzzed...buzzed. 47375% 47376They say it's the responsibility of the media to look at government -- 47377especially the president -- with a microscope. I don't argue with that, 47378but when they use a proctoscope, it's going too far. 47379 -- Richard Nixon 47380% 47381They seem to have learned the habit of cowering before authority even when 47382not actually threatened. How very nice for authority. I decided not to 47383learn this particular lesson. 47384 -- Richard Stallman 47385% 47386They sentenced me to twenty years of boredom for trying to change the 47387system from within. I'm coming now I'm coming to reward them. First 47388we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin. 47389 47390I'm guided by a signal in the heavens. I'm guided by this birthmark on 47391my skin. I'm guided by the beauty of our weapons. First we take Manhattan, 47392then we take Berlin. 47393 47394I'd really like to live beside you, baby. I love your body and your spirit 47395and your clothes. But you see that line there moving throug the station? 47396I told you I told you I told you I was one of those. 47397 -- Leonard Cohen, "First We Take Manhattan" 47398% 47399They spell it Vinci and pronounce it Vinchy. 47400Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce. 47401 -- Mark Twain 47402% 47403They told me you had proven it When they discovered our results 47404About a month before. Their hair began to curl 47405The proof was valid, more or less Instead of understanding it 47406But rather less than more. We'd run the thing through PRL. 47407 47408He sent them word that we would try Don't tell a soul about all this 47409To pass where they had failed For it must ever be 47410And after we were done, to them A secret, kept from all the rest 47411The new proof would be mailed. Between yourself and me. 47412 47413My notion was to start again 47414Ignoring all they'd done 47415We quickly turned it into code 47416To see if it would run. 47417% 47418They told me you had proven it 47419 About a month before. 47420The proof was valid, more or less He sent them word that we would try 47421 But rather less than more. To pass where they had failed 47422 And after we were done, to them 47423 The new proof would be mailed. 47424My notion was to start again 47425 Ignoring all they'd done 47426We quickly turned it into code When they discovered our results 47427 To see if it would run. Their hair began to curl 47428 Instead of understanding it 47429 We'd run the thing through PRL. 47430Don't tell a soul about all this 47431For it must ever be 47432A secret, kept from all the rest 47433Between yourself and me. 47434% 47435They took some of the Van Goghs, most 47436of the jewels, and all of the Chivas! 47437% 47438They Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat 47439 -- Book title by Lewis Grizzard 47440% 47441They use different words for things in America. 47442For instance they say elevator and we say lift. 47443They say drapes and we say curtains. 47444They say president and we say brain damaged git. 47445 -- Alexie Sayle 47446% 47447They went rushing down that freeway, 47448Messed around and got lost. 47449They didn't care... they were just dying to get off, 47450And it was life in the fast lane. 47451 -- Eagles, "Life in the Fast Lane" 47452% 47453They will only cause the lower classes to move about needlessly. 47454 -- The Duke of Wellington, on early steam railroads. 47455% 47456They wouldn't listen to the fact that I was a genius, 47457The man said "We got all that we can use", 47458So I've got those steadily-depressin', low-down, mind-messin', 47459Working-at-the-car-wash blues. 47460 -- Jim Croce 47461% 47462They're an insidious bunch, your killer pianos. Had one get loose on me 47463back in '62. It slipped out of the cables while we were lowering it out 47464of its twelfth story apartment, and crushed six innocents in an insane bid 47465for freedom. 47466 -- Stig's Inferno 47467% 47468They're giving bank robbing a bad name. 47469 -- John Dillinger, on Bonnie and Clyde 47470% 47471They're just jealous because they don't have three 47472wise men and a virgin in the whole organization. 47473 -- Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci, on the 47474 ACLU's suit to have a city nativity scene removed. 47475% 47476They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid! 47477% 47478Thieves respect property; they merely wish the property to become 47479their property that they may more perfectly respect it. 47480 -- G.K. Chesterton, "The Man Who Was Thursday" 47481% 47482Things are more like they are today than they ever were before. 47483 -- Dwight Eisenhower 47484% 47485Things are more like they used to be than they are new. 47486% 47487Things are not always what they seem. 47488 -- Phaedrus 47489% 47490Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other. 47491% 47492Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold. 47493% 47494Things past redress and now with me past care. 47495 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II" 47496% 47497Things will be bright in P.M. 47498A cop will shine a light in your face. 47499% 47500Things will get better despite our efforts to improve them. 47501 -- Will Rogers 47502% 47503Things worth having are worth cheating for. 47504% 47505Think big. 47506Pollute the Mississippi. 47507% 47508Think honk if you're a telepath. 47509% 47510Think lucky. If you fall in a pond, check your pockets for fish. 47511 -- Darrell Royal 47512% 47513Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.! 47514% 47515Think of your family tonight. 47516Try to crawl home after the computer crashes. 47517% 47518Think sideways! 47519 -- Ed De Bono 47520% 47521Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click". 47522% 47523Thinking you know something is a sure way to blind yourself. 47524 -- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune" 47525% 47526Thinks't thou existence doth depend on time? 47527It doth; but actions are our epochs; mine 47528Have made my days and nights imperishable, 47529Endless, and all alike, as sands on the shore, 47530Innumerable atoms; and one desert, 47531Barren and cold, on which the wild waves break, 47532But nothing rests, save carcasses and wrecks, 47533Rocks, and the salt-surf weeds of bitterness. 47534% 47535Thirteen at a table is unlucky only 47536when the hostess has only twelve chops. 47537 -- Groucho Marx 47538% 47539Thirty white horses on a red hill, 47540First they champ, 47541Then they stamp, 47542Then they stand still. 47543 -- Tolkien 47544% 47545This ae nighte, this ae nighte, 47546Everye nighte and alle, 47547Fire and sleet and candlelyte, 47548And Christe receive thy saule. 47549 -- The Lykewake Dirge 47550% 47551This "brain-damaged" epithet is getting sorely overworked. When we can 47552speak of someone or something being flawed, impaired, marred, spoiled; 47553batty, bedlamite, bonkers, buggy, cracked, crazed, cuckoo, daft, demented, 47554deranged, loco, lunatic, mad, maniac, mindless, non compos mentis, nuts, 47555Reaganite, screwy, teched, unbalanced, unsound, witless, wrong; senseless, 47556spastic, spasmodic, convulsive; doped, spaced-out, stoned, zonked; {beef, 47557beetle,block,dung,thick}headed, dense, doltish, dull, duncical, numskulled, 47558pinhead; asinine, fatuous, foolish, silly, simple; brute, lumbering, oafish; 47559half-assed, incompetent; backward, retarded, imbecilic, moronic; when we have 47560a whole precisely nuanced vocabulary of intellectual abuse to draw upon, 47561individually and in combination, isn't it a little <fill in the blank> to be 47562limited to a single, now quite trite, adjective? 47563% 47564This door is baroquen, please wiggle Handel. 47565(If I wiggle Handel, will it wiggle Bach?) 47566 -- Found on a door in the MSU music building 47567% 47568This dungeon is owned and operated by Frobazz Magic Co., Ltd. 47569% 47570This file will self-destruct in five minutes. 47571% 47572This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate 47573need, please use the program "randchar". This program generates 47574random characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come 47575up with something profound. It will, however, take it no time at 47576all to be more profound than THIS program has ever been. 47577% 47578This fortune intentionally not included. 47579% 47580This fortune intentionally says nothing. 47581% 47582This fortune is dedicated to your mother, without whose 47583invaluable assistance last night would never have been possible. 47584% 47585This fortune is encrypted -- get your decoder rings ready! 47586% 47587This fortune is inoperative. Please try another. 47588% 47589This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory. 47590% 47591This fortune was brought to you by the people at Hewlett-Packard. 47592% 47593This fortune would be seven words long if it were six words shorter. 47594% 47595This generation doesn't have emotional baggage. 47596We have emotional moving vans. 47597 -- Bruce Feirstein 47598% 47599This guy runs into his house and yells to his wife, "Kathy, pack up your 47600bags! I just won the California lottery!" 47601 "Honey!", Kathy exclaims, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" 47602 "I don't care," responds the husband. "just so long as you're out 47603of the house by dinner!" 47604% 47605This is a country where people are free to practice their religion, 47606regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling keys... 47607% 47608This is a good time to punt work. 47609% 47610This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. 47611Had there been an actual emergency, then you would no longer be here. 47612% 47613This is Betty Frenel. I don't know who to call but I can't reach my 47614Food-a-holics partner. I'm at Vido's on my second pizza with sausage 47615and mushroom. Jim, come and get me! 47616% 47617This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists, 47618and not enough hunchbacks. 47619% 47620This is for all ill-treated fellows 47621 Unborn and unbegot, 47622For them to read when they're in trouble 47623 And I am not. 47624 -- A.E. Housman 47625% 47626This is Jim Rockford. 47627At the tone leave your name and message; I'll get back to you. 47628% 47629This is Maria, Liberty Bail Bonds. Your client, Todd Lieman, skipped and 47630his bail is forfeit. That's the pink slip on your '74 Firebird, I believe. 47631Sorry, Jim, bring it on over. 47632% 47633This is Marilyn Reed, I wanta talk to you... Is this a machine? 47634I don't talk to machines! [Click] 47635% 47636This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week. 47637% 47638This is NOT a repeat. 47639% 47640This is not the age of pamphleteers. It is the age of the engineers. The 47641spark-gap is mightier than the pen. Democracy will not be salvaged by men 47642who talk fluently, debate forcefully and quote aptly. 47643 -- Lancelot Hogben, Science for the Citizen, 1938 47644% 47645This is supposed to be a happy occasion. 47646Let's not BICKER and ARGUE over who killed who! 47647% 47648This is the Baron. Angel Martin tells me you buy information. Ok, 47649meet me at one a.m. behind the bus depot, bring five-hundred dollars 47650and come alone. I'm serious! 47651% 47652This is the first age that's paid much attention to the future, 47653which is a little ironic since we may not have one. 47654 -- Arthur Clarke 47655% 47656This is the first numerical problem I ever did. It demonstrates the 47657power of computers: 47658 47659Enter lots of data on calorie & nutritive content of foods. Instruct the 47660thing to maximize a function describing nutritive content, with a minimum 47661level of each component, for fixed caloric content. The results are that 47662one should eat each day: 47663 47664 1/2 chicken 47665 1 egg 47666 1 glass of skim milk 47667 27 heads of lettuce. 47668 -- Rev. Adrian Melott 47669% 47670This is the sort of English up with which I will not put. 47671 -- Winston Churchill 47672% 47673This is the theory that Jack built. 47674This is the flaw that lay in the theory that Jack built. 47675This is the palpable verbal haze that hid the flaw that lay in... 47676% 47677This is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. 47678And now you know why. 47679% 47680This is the way the world ends, 47681This is the way the world ends, 47682This is the way the world ends, 47683Not with a bang but with a whimper. 47684 -- T.S. Eliot, "The Hollow Men" 47685% 47686This isn't right. This isn't even wrong. 47687 -- Wolfgang Pauli, on a colleague's paper 47688% 47689This isn't true in practice -- what we've missed out is Stradivarius's 47690constant. And then the aside: "For those of you who don't know, that's 47691been called by others the fiddle factor..." 47692 -- From a 1B Electrical Engineering lecture. 47693% 47694This land is my land, and only my land, 47695I've got a shotgun, and you ain't got one, 47696If you don't get off, I'll blow your head off, 47697This land is private property. 47698 -- Apologies to Woody Guthrie 47699% 47700This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an 47701actual life, you would have received further instructions as 47702to what to do and where to go. 47703% 47704This life is yours. Some of it was given 47705to you; the rest, you made yourself. 47706% 47707This login session: $13.76, but for you $11.88. 47708% 47709This login session: $13.99 47710% 47711This must be morning. I never could get the hang of mornings. 47712% 47713This night methinks is but the daylight sick. 47714 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" 47715% 47716This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with 47717great force. 47718 -- Dorothy Parker 47719% 47720This one is for all you military types. For those who don't know, Rangers 47721are *extremely* well trained members of the U.S. Army. Marines are people 47722who start out as normal soldiers and then are made to believe that bullets 47723don't actually hurt. 47724 One day a platoon of Marines are on patrol when they come upon a 47725Ranger relaxing on top of a small hill. The Ranger puts his hands on his 47726hips and screams out, "Do any of you seaweed sucking jarheads think you're 47727man enough to take me on?" 47728 The biggest Marine comes running up the hill, screaming back at the 47729Ranger. When he gets to the top he simply plows into his foe and the two 47730tumble down the other side of the hill, out of sight. There is the sound of 47731a horrendous fight for a moment or two, and then all is quiet. Soon, the 47732Ranger reappears, quite untouched. He puts his hands on his hips and sneers, 47733"Well, looks to me like one of you couldn't do it, how about the rest?" 47734 The enraged Marine platoon leader sends his entire platoon (30+men) 47735charging after the Ranger. They all go tumbling down the far side of the hill. 47736After 15 minutes of screaming and yelling and cursing a lone, bloodied Marine 47737crawls over the top of the hill. The platoon leader yells up to his man, 47738"What's going on up there?" The wounded Marine, with his last bit of breath, 47739replies, "Sir, it's a... a trap, sir. They're two of them!" 47740% 47741This place just isn't big enough for all of us. We've 47742got to find a way off this planet. 47743% 47744This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of 47745the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many 47746solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were 47747largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, 47748which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of 47749paper that were unhappy. 47750 -- Douglas Adams 47751% 47752This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does 47753something child-like. 47754 -- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington 47755% 47756This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real 47757persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some 47758assembly may be required. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during 47759shipment. Use only as directed. May be too intense for some viewers. If 47760condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside. 47761Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. Not responsible for direct, 47762indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error 47763or failure to perform. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Substantial 47764penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Your cancelled 47765check is your receipt. Avoid contact with skin. Employees and their families 47766are not eligible. Beware of dog. Driver does not carry cash. Limited time 47767offer, call now to insure prompt delivery. Use only in well-ventilated area. 47768Keep away from fire or flame. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does 47769not include taxes, dealer prep, or delivery. Penalty for private use. Call 47770toll free before digging. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product 47771appear for identification purposes only. All models over 18 years of age. Do 47772not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be 47773paid by addressee. Apply only to affected area. One size fits all. Many 47774suitcases look alike. Edited for television. No solicitors. Reproduction 47775strictly prohibited. Restaurant package, not for resale. Objects in mirror 47776are closer than they appear. Decision of judges is final. This supersedes 47777all previous notices. No other warranty expressed or implied. 47778% 47779This sad little lizard told me that he was a brontosaurus on his 47780mother's side. I did not laugh; people who boast of ancestry 47781often have little else to sustain them. Humoring them costs nothing and 47782adds happiness in a world in which happiness is always in short supply. 47783 -- Lazarus Long 47784% 47785This screen intentionally left blank. 47786% 47787This sentence does in fact not have the property it claims not to have. 47788% 47789This sentence no verb. 47790% 47791This system will self-destruct in five minutes. 47792% 47793This thing all things devours: 47794Birds, beasts, trees, flowers; 47795Gnaws iron, bites steel; 47796Grinds hard stones to meal; 47797Slays king, ruins town, 47798And beats high mountain down. 47799% 47800This unit... must... survive. 47801% 47802This universe shipped by weight, not by volume. Some expansion of the 47803contents may have occurred during shipment. 47804% 47805This was a Golden Age, a time of high adventure, rich living, and hard 47806dying... but nobody thought so. This was a future of fortune and theft, 47807pillage and rapine, culture and vice... but nobody admitted it. 47808 -- Alfred Bester, "The Stars My Destination" 47809% 47810This was the most unkindest cut of all. 47811 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 47812% 47813This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. 47814This was terrible with raisins in it. 47815 -- Dorothy Parker 47816% 47817This week only, all our fiber-fill jackets are marked down! 47818% 47819This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it. 47820% 47821This yuppie, see, was in a car wreck. His BMW was mangled, and so was he. 47822The paramedic was leaning over him getting his vitals, and all the yup 47823could groan was "My BMW! My BMW!" 47824 The paramedic tried to quiet the man, pointing out that his car 47825wasn't his chief concern at the moment, especially as he'd been rearranged 47826pretty badly himself -- for example, his left arm was severed at the elbow 47827and was lying about twenty feet away. 47828 There was a moment of stunned silence from the yup followed by 47829"Oh no! My Rolex! My Rolex!" 47830% 47831Those lovable Brits department: 47832 They also have trouble pronouncing `vitamin'. 47833% 47834Those of you who think you know everything 47835are annoying those of us who do. 47836% 47837Those of you who think you know it all upset those of us who do. 47838% 47839Those parts of the system that you can hit with a hammer (not advised) 47840are called hardware; those program instructions that you can only curse 47841at are called software. 47842 -- Levitating Trains and Kamikaze Genes: Technological 47843 Literacy for the 1990's. 47844% 47845Those who are mentally and emotionally healthy are those who have 47846learned when to say yes, when to say no and when to say whoopee. 47847 -- W.S. Krabill 47848% 47849Those who believe in astrology are living in houses with foundations of 47850Silly Putty. 47851 -- Dennis Rawlins 47852% 47853Those who can, do; those who can't, simulate. 47854% 47855Those who can, do; those who can't, write. 47856Those who can't write work for the Bell Labs Record. 47857% 47858Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. 47859 -- George Santayana 47860% 47861Those who can't write, write manuals. 47862% 47863Those who claim the dead never return 47864to life haven't ever been around here at quitting time. 47865% 47866Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics. 47867% 47868Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly. 47869 -- Henry Spencer 47870% 47871Those who do things in a noble spirit of 47872self-sacrifice are to be avoided at all costs. 47873 -- N. Alexander. 47874% 47875Those who educate children well are more to be honored than 47876parents, for these only gave life, those the art of living well. 47877 -- Aristotle 47878% 47879Those who have had no share in the good fortunes of the mighty 47880Often have a share in their misfortunes. 47881 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Caucasian Chalk Circle" 47882% 47883Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the 47884world is love. The poor know that it is money. 47885 -- Gerald Brenan 47886% 47887Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose. 47888% 47889Those who make peaceful revolution impossible 47890will make violent revolution inevitable. 47891 -- John Fitzgerald Kennedy 47892% 47893Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet depreciate agitation, are 47894men who want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean 47895without the roar of its many waters. 47896 -- Frederick Douglass 47897% 47898Those who sweat in flames of hell, Leaden eared, some thought their bowels 47899Here's the reason that they fell: Lispeth forth the sweetest vowels. 47900While on earth they prayed in SAS, These they offered up in praise 47901PL/1, or other crass, Thinking all this fetid haze 47902Vulgar tongue. A rapsody sung. 47903 47904Some the lord did sorely try Jabber of the mindless horde 47905Assembling all their pleas in hex. Sequel next did mock the lord 47906Speech as crabbed as devil's crable Slothful sequel so enfangled 47907Hex that marked on Tower Babel Its speaker's lips became entangled 47908The highest rung. In his bung. 47909 47910Because in life they prayed so ill 47911And offered god such swinish swill 47912Now they sweat in flames of hell 47913Sweat from lack of APL 47914Sweat dung! 47915% 47916Those who talk don't know. Those who don't talk, know. 47917% 47918Thou hast seen nothing yet. 47919 -- Miguel de Cervantes 47920% 47921Thou shalt not omit adultery. 47922% 47923Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to 47924be maintained. 47925 -- The Tao of Programming 47926% 47927Though I respect that a lot 47928I'd be fired if that were my job 47929After killing Jason off and 47930Countless screaming argonauts 47931 47932Bluebird of friendliness 47933Like guardian angels it's 47934Always near 47935 47936Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch 47937Who watches over you 47938Make a little birdhouse in your soul 47939Not to put too fine a point on it 47940Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet 47941Make a little birdhouse in your soul 47942 47943 -- "Birdhouse in your Soul", They Might Be Giants 47944% 47945Thrashing is just virtual crashing. 47946% 47947Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are 47948the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with 47949Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether -- 47950whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation... 47951A fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any 47952more about the matter than the others. 47953% 47954Three hours a day will produce as much as a man ought to write. 47955 -- Trollope 47956% 47957Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead. 47958 -- Benjamin Franklin 47959% 47960Three Midwesterners, a Kansan, a Missourian and an Iowan, 47961all appearing on a quiz program, were asked to complete this sentence: 47962"Old MacDonald had a . . ." 47963 47964 "Old MacDonald had a carburetor," answered the Kansan. 47965 "Sorry, that's wrong," the game show host said. 47966 "Old MacDonald had a free brake alignment down at the 47967 service station," said the Missourian. 47968 "Wrong." 47969 "Old MacDonald had a farm," said the Iowan. 47970 "CORRECT!" shouts the quizmaster. "Now for $100,000, spell 'farm.'" 47971 "Easy," said the Iowan. "E-I-E-I-O." 47972% 47973Three minutes' thought would suffice to find this out; but thought 47974is irksome and three minutes is a long time. 47975 -- A.E. Houseman 47976% 47977Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too 47978late or a little too early for anything you want to do. 47979 -- Jean-Paul Sartre 47980% 47981Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky, 47982Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone, 47983Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die, 47984One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne 47985In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie. 47986One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, 47987One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them 47988In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie. 47989 -- J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Lord of the Rings" 47990% 47991Three rules for sounding like an expert: 47992 1. Oversimplify your explanations to the point of uselessness. 47993 2. Always point out second-order effects, 47994 but never point out when they can be ignored. 47995 3. Come up with three rules of your own. 47996% 47997Throw away documentation and manuals, 47998and users will be a hundred times happier. 47999Throw away privileges and quotas, 48000and users will do the Right Thing. 48001Throw away proprietary and site licenses, 48002and there won't be any pirating. 48003 48004If these three aren't enough, 48005just stay at your home directory 48006and let all processes take their course. 48007% 48008Thus mathematics may be defined as the subject in which we never know 48009what we are talking about, nor whether what we are saying is true. 48010 -- Bertrand Russell 48011% 48012Thus spake the master programmer: 48013 "A well-written program is its own heaven; a poorly-written program 48014is its own hell." 48015 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 48016% 48017Thus spake the master programmer: 48018 "After three days without programming, life becomes meaningless." 48019 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 48020% 48021Thus spake the master programmer: 48022 "Let the programmer be many and the managers few -- then all will 48023 be productive." 48024 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 48025% 48026Thus spake the master programmer: 48027 "Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to 48028 be maintained." 48029 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 48030% 48031Thus spake the master programmer: 48032 "Time for you to leave." 48033 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 48034% 48035Thus spake the master programmer: 48036 "When program is being tested, it is too late to make design changes." 48037 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 48038% 48039Thus spake the master programmer: 48040 "When you have learned to snatch the error code from 48041 the trap frame, it will be time for you to leave." 48042 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 48043% 48044Thus spake the master programmer: 48045 "Without the wind, the grass does not move. Without software, 48046 hardware is useless." 48047 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 48048% 48049Thus spake the master programmer: 48050 "You can demonstrate a program for a corporate executive, but you 48051 can't make him computer literate." 48052 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 48053% 48054Thyme's Law: 48055 Everything goes wrong at once. 48056% 48057Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day 48058Fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way 48059Kicking around on a piece of ground in your hometown 48060Waiting for someone or something to show you the way 48061 48062Tired of lying in the sunshine And then one day you find 48063Staying home to watch the rain Ten years have got behind you 48064You are young and life is long No one told you when to run 48065And there is time to kill today You missed the starting gun 48066 48067And you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking 48068And racing around to come up behind you again 48069The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older 48070Shorter of breath and one day closer to death 48071 48072Every year is getting shorter Hanging on in quiet desperation 48073 is the English way 48074Never seem to find the time The time is gone, the song is over 48075Plans that either come to nought Thought I'd something more to say... 48076Or half a page of scribbled lines 48077 -- Pink Floyd, "Time" 48078% 48079Tiddely Quiddely 48080Edward M. Kennedy 48081Quite unaccountably 48082Drove in a stream. 48083 48084Pleas of amnesia 48085Incomprehensible 48086Possibly shattered 48087Political dream. 48088% 48089Tiger got to hunt, 48090Bird got to fly; 48091Man got to sit and wonder, "Why, why, why?" 48092 48093Tiger got to sleep, 48094Bird got to land; 48095Man got to tell himself he understand. 48096 -- The Books of Bokonon 48097% 48098Time and tide wait for no man. 48099% 48100Time as he grows old teaches all things. 48101 -- Aeschylus 48102% 48103Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 48104% 48105Time goes, you say? 48106Ah no! 48107Time stays, *we* go. 48108 -- Austin Dobson 48109% 48110Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils. 48111 -- Hector Berlioz 48112% 48113Time is an illusion; lunch-time doubly so. 48114 -- Ford Prefect 48115% 48116Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so. 48117 -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy 48118% 48119Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space. 48120% 48121Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in. 48122 -- Henry David Thoreau 48123% 48124Time is nature's way of making sure that 48125everything doesn't happen at once. 48126 48127Space is nature's way of making sure that 48128everything doesn't happen to you. 48129% 48130Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend. 48131 -- Theophrastus 48132% 48133Time sharing: The use of many people by the computer. 48134% 48135Time sure flies when you don't know what you're doing. 48136% 48137Time to be aggressive. Go after a tattooed Virgo. 48138% 48139Time to take stock. 48140Go home with some office supplies. 48141% 48142Time washes clean 48143Love's wounds unseen. 48144That's what someone told me; 48145But I don't know what it means. 48146 -- Linda Ronstadt, "Long Long Time" 48147% 48148Time will end all my troubles, 48149but I don't always approve of Time's methods. 48150% 48151Time-sharing is the junk-mail part of the computer business. 48152 -- H.R.J. Grosch (attributed) 48153% 48154timesharing, n: 48155 An access method whereby one computer abuses many people. 48156% 48157Timing must be perfect now. 48158Two-timing must be better than perfect. 48159% 48160Tip of the Day: 48161 Never fry bacon in the nude. 48162% 48163Tip O'Neill is just like Congress; old, fat and out of control. 48164 -- J. LeBoutillier 48165% 48166Tip the world over on its side and 48167everything loose will land in Los Angeles. 48168 -- Frank Lloyd Wright 48169% 48170TIPS FOR PERFORMERS: 48171 Playing cards have the top half upside-down to help cheaters. 48172 There are a finite number of jokes in the universe. 48173 Singing is a trick to get people to listen to music longer than 48174 they would ordinarily. 48175 There is no music in space. 48176 People will pay to watch people make sounds. 48177 Everything on stage should be larger than in real life. 48178% 48179TIRED of calculating components of vectors? Displacements along direction of 48180force getting you down? Well, now there's help. Try amazing "Dot-Product", 48181the fast, easy way many professionals have used for years and is now available 48182to YOU through this special offer. Three out of five engineering consultants 48183recommend "Dot-Product" for their clients who use vector products. Mr. 48184Gumbinowitz, mechanical engineer, in a hidden-camera interview... 48185 "Dot-Product really works! Calculating Z-axis force components has 48186 never been easier." 48187Yes, you too can take advantage of the amazing properties of Dot-Product. Use 48188it to calculate forces, velocities, displacements, and virtually any vector 48189components. How much would you pay for it? But wait, it also calculates the 48190work done in Joules, Ergs, and, yes, even BTU's. Divide Dot-Product by the 48191magnitude of the vectors and it becomes an instant angle calculator! Now, how 48192much would you pay? All this can be yours for the low, low price of $19.95!! 48193But that's not all! If you order before midnight, you'll also get "Famous 48194Numbers of Famous People" as a bonus gift, absolutely free! Yes, you'll get 48195Avogadro's number, Planck's, Euler's, Boltzmann's, and many, many, more!! 48196Call 1-800-DOT-6000. Operators are standing by. That number again... 481971-800-DOT-6000. Supplies are limited, so act now. This offer is not 48198available through stores and is void where prohibited by law. 48199% 48200Tis man's perdition to be safe, when for the truth he ought to die. 48201% 48202'Tis more blessed to give than receive; for example, wedding presents. 48203 -- H.L. Mencken 48204% 48205To a Californian, a person must prove himself criminally insane before he 48206is allowed to drive a taxi in New York. For New York cabbies, honesty and 48207stopping at red lights are both optional. 48208 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts 48209% 48210To a Californian, all New Yorkers are cold; even in heat they rarely go 48211above fifty-eight degrees. If you collapse on a street in New York, plan 48212to spend a few days there. 48213 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts 48214% 48215To a Californian, the basic difference between the people and the pigeons 48216in New York is that the pigeons don't shit on each other. 48217 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts 48218% 48219To a New Yorker, all Californians are blond, even the blacks. There are, 48220in fact, whole neighborhoods that are zoned only for blond people. The 48221only way to tell the difference between California and Sweden is that the 48222Swedes speak better English." 48223 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts 48224% 48225To a New Yorker, the only California houses on the market for less than 48226a million dollars are those on fire. These generally go for six hundred 48227thousand. 48228 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts 48229% 48230To accuse others for one's own misfortunes is a sign of want of education. 48231To accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun. To accuse neither 48232oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete. 48233 -- Epictetus 48234% 48235To add insult to injury. 48236 -- Phaedrus 48237% 48238To any truly impartial person, it would 48239be obvious that I am always right. 48240% 48241To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. 48242 -- Elbert Hubbard 48243% 48244To be a kind of moral Unix, he touched the hem of Nature's shift. 48245 -- Shelley 48246% 48247To be beautiful is enough! if a woman can do that well who 48248should demand more from her? You don't want a rose to sing. 48249 -- Thackeray 48250% 48251To be considered successful, a woman must be much better at her job 48252than a man would have to be. Fortunately, this isn't difficult. 48253% 48254To be excellent when engaged in administration is to be like the North 48255Star. As it remains in its one position, all the other stars surround it. 48256 -- Confucius 48257% 48258To be great is to be misunderstood. 48259 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 48260% 48261To be happy one must be a) well fed, unhounded by sordid cares, at ease in 48262Zion, b) full of a comfortable feeling of superiority to the masses of one's 48263fellow men, and c) delicately and unceasingly amused according to one's taste. 48264It is my contention that, if this definition be accepted, there is no country 48265in the world wherein a man constituted as I am -- a man of my peculiar 48266weaknesses, vanities, appetites, and aversions -- can be so happy as he can 48267be in the United States. Going further, I lay down the doctrine that it is 48268a sheer physical impossibility for such a man to live in the United States 48269and not be happy. 48270 -- H.L. Mencken, "On Being An American" 48271% 48272To be is to be related. 48273 -- C.J. Keyser. 48274% 48275To be is to do. 48276 -- I. Kant 48277To do is to be. 48278 -- A. Sartre 48279Do be a Do Bee! 48280 -- Miss Connie, Romper Room 48281Do be do be do! 48282 -- F. Sinatra 48283Yabba-Dabba-Doo! 48284 -- F. Flintstone 48285% 48286To be loved is very demoralizing. 48287 -- Katharine Hepburn 48288% 48289to be nobody but yourself in a world 48290which is doing its best night and day 48291to make you like everybody else 48292means to fight the hardest battle 48293any human being can fight and 48294never stop fighting. 48295 -- e.e. cummings 48296% 48297To be nobody-but-yourself in a world which is doing its best to, 48298night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest 48299battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting. 48300 -- E.E. Cummings, "A Miscellany" 48301% 48302To be or not to be. 48303 -- Shakespeare 48304To do is to be. 48305 -- Nietzsche 48306To be is to do. 48307 -- Sartre 48308Do be do be do. 48309 -- Sinatra 48310% 48311To be or not to be, that is the bottom line. 48312% 48313To be patriotic, hate all nations but your own; to be religious, all sects 48314but your own; to be moral, all pretences but your own. 48315 -- Lionel Strachey 48316% 48317To be successful, a woman has to be much better at her job than a man. 48318 -- Golda Meir 48319% 48320To be successful, a woman must do her job ten times 48321as well as a man. Fortunately, this is not difficult. 48322% 48323To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first 48324and, whatever you hit, call it the target. 48325% 48326To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved. 48327% 48328To be who one is, is not to be someone else. 48329% 48330To be wise, the only thing you really need 48331to know is when to say "I don't know." 48332% 48333To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for 48334you in your private heart is true for all men -- that is genius. 48335 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 48336% 48337To code the impossible code, This is my quest -- 48338To bring up a virgin machine, To debug that code, 48339To pop out of endless recursion, No matter how hopeless, 48340To grok what appears on the screen, No matter the load, 48341 To write those routines 48342To right the unrightable bug, Without question or pause, 48343To endlessly twiddle and thrash, To be willing to hack FORTRAN IV 48344To mount the unmountable magtape, For a heavenly cause. 48345To stop the unstoppable crash! And I know if I'll only be true 48346 To this glorious quest, 48347And the queue will be better for this, That my code will run CUSPy and calm, 48348That one man, scorned and When it's put to the test. 48349 destined to lose, 48350Still strove with his last allocation 48351To scrap the unscrappable kludge! 48352 -- To "The Impossible Dream", from Man of La Mancha 48353% 48354To communicate is the beginning of understanding. 48355 -- AT&T 48356% 48357To converse at the distance of the Indes by means of sympathetic contrivances 48358may be as natural to future times as to us is a literary correspondence. 48359 -- Joseph Glanvill, 1661 48360% 48361To craunch a marmoset. 48362 -- Pedro Carolino, "English as She is Spoke" 48363% 48364To criticize the incompetent is easy; 48365it is more difficult to criticize the competent. 48366% 48367To defend the Saigon regime is not worth one more human life. 48368 -- Senator Edmund Muskie 48369% 48370To do nothing is to be nothing. 48371% 48372To do two things at once is to do neither. 48373 -- Publilius Syrus 48374% 48375To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally 48376convenient solutions; both dispense with the necessity of reflection. 48377 -- H. Poincare 48378% 48379To err is human -- but it feels divine. 48380 -- Mae West 48381% 48382To err is human -- to blame it on a computer is even more so. 48383% 48384To err is human, but I can REALLY foul things up. 48385% 48386To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer. 48387% 48388To err is human, but when the eraser wears out 48389before the pencil, you're overdoing it a little. 48390% 48391To err is human; to admit it, a blunder. 48392% 48393To err is human, to forgive, infrequent. 48394% 48395To err is human, to forgive is against company policy. 48396% 48397To err is human, to forgive is not company policy. 48398% 48399To err is human; to forgive is simply not our policy. 48400 -- MIT Assasination Club 48401% 48402To err is human, to forgive unusual. 48403% 48404To err is human, to purr feline. 48405To err is human, two curs canine. 48406To err is human, to moo bovine. 48407% 48408To err is human, to repent, divine, to persist, devilish. 48409 -- Benjamin Franklin 48410% 48411To err is human. 48412To blame someone else for your mistakes is even more human. 48413% 48414To err is human, 48415To purr feline. 48416 -- Robert Byrne 48417% 48418To err is humor. 48419% 48420To everything there is a season, a time for every pupose under heaven: 48421A time to be born, and a time to die; 48422A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted; 48423A time to kill, and a time to heal; 48424A time to break down, and a time to build up; 48425A time to weep, and a time to laugh; 48426A time to mourn, and a time to dance; 48427A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones; 48428A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; 48429A time to gain, and a time to lose; 48430A time to keep, and a time to throw away; 48431A time to tear, and a time to sew; 48432A time to keep silence, and a time to speak; 48433A time to love, and a time to hate; 48434A time of war, and a time of peace. 48435 Ecclesiastes 3:1-9 48436% 48437To fear love is to fear life, and those 48438who fear life are already three parts dead. 48439 -- Bertrand Russell 48440% 48441To find a friend one must close one eye; to keep him -- two. 48442 -- Norman Douglas 48443% 48444To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends. 48445 -- Benjamin Franklin 48446% 48447To get back on your feet, miss two car payments. 48448% 48449To get something clean, one has to get something dirty. 48450To get something dirty, one does not have to get anything clean. 48451% 48452To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three 48453persons, two of them absent. 48454% 48455To give happiness is to deserve happiness. 48456% 48457To give of yourself, you must first know yourself. 48458% 48459To have died once is enough. 48460 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) 48461% 48462To hell with the Prime Directive; 48463Let's KILL something! 48464% 48465To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk. 48466 -- Thomas Edison 48467% 48468To iterate is human, to recurse, divine. 48469 -- Robert Heller 48470% 48471To jaw-jaw is better than to war-war. 48472 -- W. Churchill, on Korean War negotiations 48473% 48474To keep your friends treat them kindly; 48475to kill them, treat them often. 48476% 48477To know Edina is to reject it. 48478 -- Dudley Riggs, "The Year the Grinch Stole the Election" 48479% 48480To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools. 48481% 48482To lead people, you must follow behind. 48483 -- Lao Tsu 48484% 48485To listen to some devout people, 48486one would imagine that God never laughs. 48487 -- Sri Aurobindo 48488% 48489To love is good, love being difficult. 48490% 48491To make an enemy, do someone a favor. 48492% 48493To make tax forms true they should 48494read "Income Owed Us" and "Incommode You". 48495% 48496To many, total abstinence is easier than perfect moderation. 48497 -- St. Augustine 48498% 48499TO ME, CLOWNS AREN'T FUNNY. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered 48500where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the 48501circus and a clown killed my dad. 48502 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 48503% 48504To one large turkey add one gallon of vermouth and a demijohn of Angostura 48505bitters. Shake. 48506 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, recipe for turkey cocktail. 48507% 48508To our sweethearts and wives. May they never meet. 48509 -- 19th century toast 48510% 48511To refuse praise is to seek praise twice. 48512% 48513To restore a sense of reality, I think 48514Walt Disney should have a Hardluckland. 48515 -- Jack Paar 48516% 48517To save a single life is better than to build a seven story pagoda. 48518% 48519To say that UNIX is doomed is pretty rabid, OS/2 will certainly play a role, 48520but you don't build a hundred million instructions per second multiprocessor 48521micro and then try to run it on OS/2. I mean, get serious. 48522 -- William Zachmann, International Data Corp 48523% 48524To say you got a vote of confidence 48525would be to say you needed a vote of confidence. 48526 -- Andrew Young 48527% 48528To see a need and wait to be asked, is to already refuse. 48529% 48530To see the butcher slap the steak, before he laid it on the block, 48531and give his knife a sharpening, was to forget breakfast instantly. It was 48532agreeable, too -it really was- to see him cut it off, so smooth and juicy. 48533There was nothing savage in the act, although the knife was large and keen; 48534it was a piece of art, high art; there was delicacy of touch, clearness of 48535tone, skilful handling of the subject, fine shading. It was the triumph of 48536mind over matter; quite. 48537 -- Dickens, "Martin Chuzzlewit" 48538% 48539To see you is to sympathize. 48540% 48541To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts 48542the job will take the longest and cost the most. 48543% 48544To stand and be still, 48545At the Birkenhead drill, 48546Is a damned tough bullet to chew. 48547 -- Rudyard Kipling 48548% 48549To stay young requires unceasing cultivation 48550of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods. 48551 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love" 48552% 48553To stay youthful, stay useful. 48554% 48555To teach is to learn. 48556% 48557To teach is to learn twice. 48558 -- Joseph Joubert 48559% 48560To the landlord belongs the doorknobs. 48561% 48562To Theodore Roosevelt: 48563 You are like the Wind and I like the Lion. You form the Tempest. 48564The sand stings my eyes and the Ground is parched. I roar in defiance but 48565you do not hear. But between us there is a difference. I, like the lion, 48566must remain in my place. While you, like the wind, will never know yours. 48567 Mulay Hamid El Raisuli 48568 Lord of the Riff 48569 Sultan to the Berbers 48570 Last of the Barbary Pirates 48571% 48572To thine own self be true. 48573(If not that, at least make some money.) 48574% 48575To think contrary to one's era is heroism. But to speak against it is 48576madness. 48577 -- Eugene Ionesco 48578% 48579To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional 48580system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy, 48581inelegant, and unsatisfying. But it's a question of congruence: 48582precision and flexibility may be just as disfunctional in novel, 48583uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar, 48584well-defined ones. Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures 48585of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very 48586secure ecological niche. 48587 -- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers" 48588% 48589TO THOSE OF YOU WHO DESIRE IT, I GRANT YOU MADRAK'S BLESSING: 48590 48591 Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care 48592what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you 48593may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness. 48594 Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else be required 48595to insure any possible benefit for which you may be eligible after the 48596destruction of your body, I ask that this, whatever it may be, be granted 48597or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to insure your 48598receving said benefit. 48599 I ask this in my capacity as your elected intermediary between 48600yourself and that which may have an interest in the matter of your receving 48601as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and which may 48602in some way be influenced by this ceremony. 48603 Amen. 48604 -- Roger Zelazny, "Creatures of Light and Darkness" 48605% 48606To understand a program you must become both the machine and the program. 48607% 48608To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what 48609he has already achieved, but at what he aspires to do. 48610% 48611To use violence is to already be defeated. 48612 -- Chinese proverb 48613% 48614To whom the mornings are like nights, 48615What must the midnights be! 48616 -- Emily Dickinson (on hacking?) 48617% 48618To write a sonnet you must ruthlessly 48619strip down your words to naked, willing flesh. 48620Then bind them to a metaphor or three, 48621and take by force a satisfying mesh. 48622Arrange them to your will, each foot in place. 48623You are the master here, and they the slaves. 48624Now whip them to maintain a constant pace 48625and rhythm as they stand in even staves. 48626A word that strikes no pleasure? Cast it out! 48627What use are words that drive not to the heart? 48628A lazy phrase? Discard it, shrug off doubt, 48629and choose more docile words to take its part. 48630A well-trained sonnet lives to entertain, 48631by making love directly to the brain. 48632% 48633To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the loyal opposition. 48634 -- Woody Allen 48635% 48636Tobacco is a filthy weed, 48637That from the devil does proceed; 48638It drains your purse, it burns your clothes, 48639And makes a chimney of your nose. 48640 -- B. Waterhouse 48641% 48642TODAY: 48643 A nice place to visit, but you can't stay here for long. 48644% 48645Today is a good day for information-gathering. 48646Read someone else's mail file. 48647% 48648Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official. 48649% 48650Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day. 48651% 48652Today is the first day of the rest of the mess. 48653% 48654Today is the first day of the rest of your life. 48655% 48656Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage. 48657% 48658Today is the last day of your life so far. 48659% 48660Today is what happened to yesterday. 48661% 48662Today when a man gets married he gets a home, a housekeeper, a cook, a 48663cheering squad and another paycheck. When a woman marries, she gets a 48664boarder. 48665% 48666Today you'll start getting heavy metal radio on your dentures. 48667% 48668Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new 48669cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more 48670spectacular adventure starring... Tippy, the Wonder Dog! 48671 -- Bob & Ray 48672% 48673Todays weirdness is tomorrows reason why. 48674 -- H.S. Thompson 48675% 48676Toddlers are the stormtroopers of the Lord of Entropy. 48677% 48678toilet toupee, n: 48679 Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus 48680 creating endless annoyance to male users. 48681 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 48682% 48683Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad name. 48684 -- Gore Vidal 48685% 48686Tomorrow, this will be part of the unchangeable past 48687but fortunately, it can still be changed today. 48688% 48689Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest. 48690% 48691Tomorrow, you can be anywhere. 48692% 48693Tomorrow's computers some time next month. 48694 -- DEC 48695% 48696Tom's hungry, time to eat lunch. 48697% 48698Tonight you will pay the wages of sin; 48699Don't forget to leave a tip. 48700% 48701Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree. 48702% 48703Toni's Solution to a Guilt-Free Life: 48704 If you have to lie to someone, it's their fault. 48705% 48706Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy 48707driving cabs and cutting hair. 48708 -- George Burns 48709% 48710TOO BAD YOU CAN'T BUY a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin 48711real fast and freak everybody out. 48712 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 48713% 48714Too clever is dumb. 48715 -- Ogden Nash 48716% 48717Too cool to calypso, 48718Too tough to tango, 48719Too weird to watusi 48720 -- The Only Ones 48721% 48722Too Late 48723 A large number of turkies [sic] went to San Francisco yesterday by 48724the two o'clock boats. If their object in going down was to participate in 48725the Thanksgiving festivities of that city, they would arrive "the day after 48726the affair," and of course be sadly disappointed thereby. 48727 -- Sacramento Daily Union, November 29, 1861 48728% 48729Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity. 48730They seem more afraid of life than death. 48731 -- James F. Byrnes 48732% 48733Too much is just enough. 48734 -- Mark Twain, on whiskey 48735% 48736Too much is not enough. 48737% 48738Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL. 48739 -- Mae West 48740% 48741Too often people have come to me and said, "If I had just one wish for 48742anything in all the world, I would wish for more user-defined equations 48743in the HP-51820A Waveform Generator Software." 48744 -- Instrument News 48745 [Once is too often. Ed.] 48746% 48747Too ripped. Gotta go. 48748% 48749Toothpaste never hurts the taste of good scotch. 48750% 48751Top Ten Things Overheard At The ANSI C Draft Committee Meetings: 48752 4875310: Sorry, but that's too useful. 48754 9: Dammit, little-endian systems *are* more consistent! 48755 8: I'm on the committee and I *still* don't know what the hell 48756 #pragma is for. 48757 7: Well, it's an excellent idea, but it would make the compilers too 48758 hard to write. 48759 6: Them bats is smart; they use radar. 48760 5: All right, who's the wiseguy who stuck this trigraph stuff in here? 48761 4: How many times do we have to tell you, "No prior art!" 48762 3: Ha, ha, I can't believe they're actually going to adopt this sucker. 48763 2: Thank you for your generous donation, Mr. Wirth. 48764 1: Gee, I wish we hadn't backed down on 'noalias'. 48765% 48766Topologists are just plane folks. 48767 Pilots are just plane folks. 48768 Carpenters are just plane folks. 48769 Midwest farmers are just plain folks. 48770 Musicians are just playin' folks. 48771 Whodunit readers are just Spillaine folks. 48772Some Londoners are just P. Lane folks. 48773% 48774Torque is cheap. 48775% 48776Total strangers need love, too; and I'm stranger than most. 48777% 48778TOTD (T-shirt Of The Day): 48779 I'm the person your mother warned you about. 48780% 48781Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore. 48782 -- Judy Garland, "Wizard of Oz" 48783% 48784Tourists -- have some fun with New York's hard-boiled cabbies. When you 48785get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitch-hiking." 48786 -- David Letterman 48787% 48788Tout choses sont dites deja, mais comme 48789personne n'ecoute, il faut toujours recommencer. 48790 -- A. Gide 48791% 48792Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines. 48793 -- David Letterman 48794% 48795TRANSACTION CANCELLED - FARECARD RETURNED 48796% 48797TRANSFER: 48798 A promotion you receive on the condition that you leave town. 48799% 48800TRANSPARENT: 48801 Being or pertaining to an existing, nontangible object. 48802 "It's there, but you can't see it" 48803 -- IBM System/360 announcement, 1964. 48804 48805VIRTUAL: 48806 Being or pertaining to a tangible, nonexistent object. 48807 "I can see it, but it's not there." 48808 -- Lady Macbeth. 48809% 48810TRANSVESTITE: 48811 Someone who spends his junior year at college abroad. 48812% 48813Trap full -- please empty. 48814% 48815TRAVEL: 48816 Something that makes you feel like you're getting somewhere. 48817% 48818Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow. 48819% 48820Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy. 48821 -- Han Solo 48822% 48823Traveling through New England, a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny village. 48824"What's this place called?" he asked the station attendant. 48825 "All depends," the native drawled. "Do you mean by them that has 48826to live in this dad-blamed, moth-eaten, dust-covered, one-hoss dump, or 48827by them that's merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic charms 48828for a short spell?" 48829% 48830Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy. 48831 -- Publilius Syrus 48832% 48833Treaties are like roses and young girls -- they last while they last. 48834 -- Charles DeGaulle 48835% 48836Trifles make perfection, and perfection is no trifle. 48837 -- Michelangelo 48838% 48839Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level. 48840% 48841Trouble always comes at the wrong time. 48842% 48843Trouble strikes in series of threes, but when working around the house the 48844next job after a series of three is not the fourth job -- it's the start of 48845a brand new series of three. 48846% 48847Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are 48848beautiful and wealthy and live in eucalyptus trees. 48849% 48850Troubles are like babies; they only grow by nursing. 48851% 48852True happiness will be found only in true love. 48853% 48854True leadership is the art of changing 48855a group from what it is to what it ought to be. 48856 -- Virginia Allan 48857% 48858True to our past we work with an inherited, observed, and accepted vision of 48859personal futility, and of the beauty of the world. 48860 -- David Mamet 48861% 48862Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence. 48863 -- Henrik Tikkanen 48864% 48865Truly simple systems... require infinite testing. 48866 -- Norman Augustine 48867% 48868Trust everybody, but cut the cards. 48869 -- Finlay Peter Dunne, "Mr. Dooley's Philosophy" 48870% 48871Trust in Allah, but tie your camel. 48872 -- Arabian proverb 48873% 48874TRUST ME: 48875 Get me, give me, buy me, do me. 48876% 48877TRUST ME: 48878 Translation of the Latin "caveat emptor." 48879% 48880Trust your husband, adore your husband, 48881and get as much as you can in your own name. 48882 -- Joan Rivers 48883% 48884Truth can wait; he's used to it. 48885% 48886Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now -- always. 48887 -- Albert Schweitzer 48888% 48889Truth is free, but information costs. 48890% 48891Truth is hard to find and harder to obscure. 48892% 48893"Truth is stranger than fiction, because fiction has to make sense." 48894% 48895Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it. 48896 -- Mark Twain 48897% 48898Truth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominy 48899of him that brought her birth. 48900 -- Milton 48901% 48902Truth will out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.) 48903% 48904TRUTHFUL: 48905 Dumb and illiterate. 48906% 48907try again 48908% 48909Try not to have a good time ... 48910This is supposed to be educational. 48911 -- Charles Schulz 48912% 48913Try not. 48914Do. 48915Or do not. 48916There is no try. 48917% 48918Try `stty 0' -- it works much better. 48919% 48920Try the Moo Shu Pork. It is especially good today. 48921% 48922Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good. 48923% 48924Try to divide your time evenly to keep others happy. 48925% 48926Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading: Was it done, is 48927it being done, or is something to be done? Reports are now written in four 48928tenses: past tense, present tense, future tense, and pretense. Watch for 48929novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmer), defined by the imperfect past, 48930the insufficient present, and the absolutely perfect future. 48931 -- Amrom Katz 48932% 48933Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance. 48934% 48935Try to have as good a life as you can under the circumstances. 48936% 48937Try to relax and enjoy the crisis. 48938 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 48939% 48940Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you. 48941% 48942Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only 48943specification is that it should run noiselessly. 48944% 48945Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for 48946which the only specification is that it should run noiselessly. 48947% 48948Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth. 48949 -- Alan Watts 48950% 48951Trying to get an education here is like 48952trying to take a drink from a fire hose. 48953% 48954T-shirt: 48955 Life is *not* a Cabaret, and stop calling me chum! 48956% 48957Tuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week. 48958% 48959Tuesday is the Wednesday of the rest of your life. 48960% 48961Turn on, tune in, and take over. 48962 -- Tim Leary 48963% 48964Turn the other cheek. 48965 -- Jesus Christ 48966% 48967Turnaucka's Law: 48968 The attention span of a computer is only as long as its 48969 electrical cord. 48970% 48971Tussman's Law: 48972 Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. 48973% 48974TV is chewing gum for the eyes. 48975 -- Frank Lloyd Wright 48976% 48977'Twas a woman who drove me to drink, 48978and I never even had the decency to thank her. 48979 -- R.B. Gossling 48980% 48981"Twas bergen and the eirie road 48982Did mahwah into patterson: "Beware the Hopatcong, my son! 48983All jersey were the ocean groves, The teeth that bite, the nails 48984And the red bank bayonne. that claw! 48985 Beware the bound brook bird, and shun 48986He took his belmar blade in hand: The kearney communipaw." 48987Long time the folsom foe he sought 48988Till rested he by a bayway tree And, as in nutley thought he stood, 48989And stood a while in thought. The Hopatcong with eyes of flame, 48990 Came whippany through the englewood, 48991One, two, one, two, and through And garfield as it came. 48992 and through 48993The belmar blade went hackensack! "And hast thou slain the Hopatcong? 48994He left it dead and with it's head Come to my arms, my perth amboy! 48995He went weehawken back. Hohokus day! Soho! Rahway!" 48996 He caldwell in his joy. 48997Did mahwah into patterson: 48998All jersey were the ocean groves, 48999And the red bank bayonne. 49000 -- Paul Kieffer 49001% 49002'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves And as in uffish thought he stood 49003Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. The Jabberwock, with eyes aflame 49004All mimsy were the borogroves Came whuffling through the tulgey wood 49005And the mome raths outgrabe. And burbled as it came! 49006 49007"Beware the Jabberwock, my son! One! Two! One! Two! 49008The jaws that bite, and through and through 49009 the claws that catch! The vorpal blade went snicker-snack. 49010Beware the Jubjub bird, He left it dead, and took its head, 49011And shun the frumious Bandersnatch!" And went galumphing back. 49012 49013He took his vorpal sword in hand "Hast thou slain the Jabberwock? 49014Long time the manxome foe he sought. Come to my arms, my beamish boy! 49015So rested he by the tumtum tree Oh frabjous day! Calooh! Callay!" 49016And stood awhile in thought. He chortled in his joy. 49017 49018 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves 49019 Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. 49020 All mimsy were the borogroves 49021 -- Lewis Carroll 49022% 49023'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves 49024Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. "Beware the Jabberwock, my son! 49025All mimsy were the borogroves The jaws that bite, the claws 49026And the mome raths outgrabe. that catch! 49027 Beware the Jubjub bird, 49028He took his vorpal sword in hand And shun the frumious Bandersnatch!" 49029Long time the manxome foe he sought. 49030So rested he by the tumtum tree And as in uffish thought he stood 49031And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberwock, with eyes aflame 49032 Came whuffling through the tulgey wood 49033One! Two! One! Two! And through and And burbled as it came! 49034 through 49035The vorpal blade went snicker-snack. "Hast thou slain the Jabberwock? 49036He left it dead, and took its head, Come to my arms, my beamish boy! 49037And went galumphing back. Oh frabjous day! Calooh! Callay!" 49038 He chortled in his joy. 49039'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves 49040Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. 49041All mimsy were the borogroves 49042And the mome raths outgrabe. 49043 -- Lewis Carroll, "Jabberwocky" 49044% 49045'Twas bullig, and the slithy brokers 49046Did buy and gamble in the craze "Beware the Jabberstock, my son! 49047All rosy were the Dow Jones stokers The cost that bites, the worth 49048By market's wrath unphased. that falls! 49049 Beware the Econ'mist's word, and shun 49050He took his forecast sword in hand: The spurious Street o' Walls!" 49051Long time the Boesk'some foe he sought - 49052Sake's liquidity, so d'vested he, And as in bearish thought he stood 49053And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberstock, with clothes of tweed, 49054 Came waffling with the truth too good, 49055Chip Black! Chip Blue! And through And yuppied great with greed! 49056 and through 49057The forecast blade went snicker-snack! "And hast thou slain the Jabberstock? 49058It bit the dirt, and with its shirt, Come to my firm, V.P.ish boy! 49059He went rebounding back. O big bucks day! Moolah! Good Play!" 49060 He bought him a Mercedes Toy. 49061'Twas panic, and the slithy brokers 49062Did gyre and tumble in the Crash 49063All flimsy were the Dow Jones stokers 49064And mammon's wrath them bash! 49065 -- Peter Stucki, "Jabberstocky" 49066% 49067'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks 49068Did gyre and gimble in their cave 49069All mimsy was the CS-VAX 49070And Cory raths outgrave. 49071 49072"Beware the software rot, my son! 49073The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash! 49074Beware the broken pipe, and shun 49075The frumious system crash!" 49076% 49077'Twas midnight on the ocean, Her children all were orphans, 49078Not a streetcar was in sight, Except one a tiny tot, 49079So I stepped into a cigar store Who had a home across the way 49080To ask them for a light. Above a vacant lot. 49081 49082The man behind the counter As I gazed through the oaken door 49083Was a woman, old and gray, A whale went drifting by, 49084Who used to peddle doughnuts Its six legs hanging in the air, 49085On the road to Mandalay. So I kissed her goodbye. 49086 49087She said "Good morning, stranger", This story has a morale 49088Her eyes were dry with tears, As you can plainly see, 49089As she put her head between her feet Don't mix your gin with whiskey 49090And stood that way for years. On the deep and dark blue sea. 49091 -- Midnight On The Ocean 49092% 49093'Twas the night before Christmas -- the very last one -- 49094When the blazing of lasers destroyed all our fun. 49095Just as Santa had lifted off, driving his sleigh, 49096A satellite spotted him making his way. 49097The Star Wars Defense System -- Reagan's desire 49098Was ready for action, and started to fire! 49099The laser beams criss-crossed and lit up the sky 49100Like a fireworks show on the Fourth of July. 49101I'd just finished wrapping the last of the toys 49102When out of my chimney there came a great noise. 49103I looked to the fireplace, hoping to see 49104St. Nick bringing presents for missus and me. 49105But what I saw next was disturbing and shocking: 49106A flaming red jacket setting fire to my stocking! 49107Charred reindeer remains and a melted sleigh-bell; 49108Outside burning toys like confetti they fell. 49109So now you know, children, why Christmas is gone: 49110The Star Wars computer had got something wrong. 49111Only programmed for battle, it hadn't a heart; 49112'Twas hardly a chance it would work from the start. 49113It couldn't be tested, and no one could tell, 49114If the crazy contraption would work very well. 49115So after a trillion or two had been spent 49116The system thought Santa a Red missle sent. 49117So kids dry your tears now, and get off to bed, 49118There won't be a Christmas -- since Santa is dead. 49119% 49120Twenty two thousand days. 49121Twenty two thousand days. 49122It's not a lot. 49123It's all you've got. 49124Twenty two thousand days. 49125 -- Moody Blues, "Twenty Two Thousand Days" 49126% 49127Two battleships assigned to the training squadron had been at sea on maneuvers 49128in heavy weather for several days. I was serving on the lead battleship and 49129was on watch on the bridge as night fell. The visibility was poor with patchy 49130fog, so the Captain remained on the bridge keeping an eye on all activities. 49131 Shortly after dark, the lookout on the wing of the bridge reported, 49132"Light, bearing on the starboard bow." 49133 "Is it steady or moving astern?" the Captain called out. 49134 Lookout replied, "Steady, Captain," which meant we were on a dangerous 49135collision course with that ship. 49136 The Captain then called to the signalman, "Signal that ship: We are on 49137a collision course, advise you change course 20 degrees." 49138 Back came a signal "Advisable for you to change course 20 degrees." 49139 In reply, the Captain said, "Send: I'm a Captain, change course 20 49140degrees!" 49141 "I'm a seaman second class," came the reply, "You had better change 49142course 20 degrees." 49143 By that time, the Captain was furious. He spit out, "Send: I'm a 49144battleship, change course 20 degrees." 49145 Back came the flashing light: "I'm a lighthouse!" 49146 We changed course. 49147 -- The Naval Institute's "Proceedings" 49148% 49149Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long. 49150 -- Howard Kandel 49151% 49152Two cars in every pot and a chicken in every garage. 49153% 49154Two Finns and a penguin are sitting on the front porch of a large house. The 49155penguin is dripping in sweat; his owner looks down and says to the other Finn, 49156"Hey Urho, I want that you should take the penguin to the zoo, okay?" The 49157owner then runs off to the sauna. When he gets out of the sauna, he looks 49158up at the porch, and sure enough, there is Urho and the penguin, sweating 49159away. So he yells out "Hey, Urho, I thought I told you to take the penguin to 49160the zoo, I did." And Urho yells back "Yup, and tomorrow we're going to 49161the movies!" 49162% 49163Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his 49164barstool and lay motionless on the floor. 49165 "One thing about Jim," the other said to the bartender, "he sure 49166knows when to stop." 49167% 49168Two heads are better than one. 49169 -- John Heywood 49170% 49171Two heads are more numerous than one. 49172% 49173Two hundred years ago today, Irma Chine of White Plains, New York, was 49174performing her normal housekeeping routines. She was interrupted by 49175British soldiers who, rallying to the call of their supervisor, General 49176Hughes, sought to gain control of the voter registration lists kept in 49177her home. Masking her fear and thinking fast, Mrs. Chine quickly divided 49178a nearby apple in two and deftly stored the list in its center. Upon 49179entering, the British blatantly violated every conceivable convention, 49180and, though they went through the house virtually bit by bit, their 49181search was fruitless. They had to return empty handed. Word of the 49182incident propagated rapidly through the region. This historic event 49183became the first documented use of core storage for the saving of registers. 49184% 49185Two is company, three is an orgy. 49186% 49187Two is not equal to three, even for large values of two. 49188% 49189Two men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a 49190canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea. We can 49191call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices to the 49192end of the canyon. Someone's bound to hear us by then!" 49193 So he leans over the basket and screams out, "Helllloooooo! Where 49194are we?" (They hear the echo several times). 49195 Fifteen minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo! 49196You're lost!" 49197 The shouter comments, "That must have been a mathematician." 49198 Puzzled, his friend asks, "Why do you say that?" 49199 "For three reasons. First, he took a long time to answer, second, 49200he was absolutely correct, and, third, his answer was absolutely useless." 49201% 49202Two men came before Nasrudin when he was magistrate. The first man said, 49203"This man has bitten my ear -- I demand compensation." The second man said, 49204"He bit it himself." Nasrudin withdrew to his chambers, and spent an hour 49205trying to bite his own ear. He succeeded only in falling over and bruising 49206his forehead. Returning to the courtroom, Nasrudin pronounced, "Examine 49207the man whose ear was bitten. If his forehead is bruised, he did it himself 49208and the case is dismissed. If his forehead is not bruised, the other man 49209did it and must pay three silver pieces." 49210% 49211Two men look out through the same bars; one sees mud, and one the stars. 49212% 49213Two men were sitting over coffee, contemplating the nature of things, 49214with all due respect for their breakfast. "I wonder why it is that 49215toast always falls on the buttered side," said one. 49216 "Tell me," replied his friend, "why you say such a thing. Look 49217at this." And he dropped his toast on the floor, where it landed on the 49218dry side. 49219 "So, what have you to say for your theory now?" 49220 "What am I to say? You obviously buttered the wrong side." 49221% 49222Two peanuts were walking through the New York. One was assaulted. 49223% 49224Two percent of zero is almost nothing. 49225% 49226Two rights don't make a wrong, they make an airplane. 49227% 49228Two Russian friends happen to meet in Red Square. One of them says, "By 49229the way, did you hear that Romanov died?" 49230 "No," replied the other, "I didn't even know he'd been arrested!" 49231% 49232Two sure ways to tell a REALLY sexy man; the first is, he has a bad memory. 49233I forget the second. 49234% 49235Two Swedish guys get of a ship and head for the nearest bars. Each one 49236orders two vodkas and immediately downs them. They they order two more 49237and once again quickly throw them back. They then order two more. When 49238they arrive, one of them picks up his glass, and, turning to the other, 49239toasts him, "Skoal!" 49240 The other turns to the first man and scolds, "Hey! Did you come 49241here to screw around, or did you come here to drink?" 49242% 49243Two wrongs are only the beginning. 49244 -- Kohn 49245% 49246Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse. 49247 -- Thomas Szasz 49248% 49249Tyger, Tyger, burning bright Where the hammer? Where the chain? 49250In the forests of the night, In what furnace was thy brain? 49251What immortal hand or eye What the anvil? What dread grasp 49252Dare frame thy fearful symmetry? Dare its deadly terrors clasp? 49253 49254Burnt in distant deeps or skies When the stars threw down their spears 49255The cruel fire of thine eyes? And water'd heaven with their tears 49256On what wings dare he aspire? Dare he laugh his work to see? 49257What the hand dare seize the fire? Dare he who made the lamb make thee? 49258 49259And what shoulder & what art Tyger, Tyger, burning bright 49260Could twist the sinews of they heart? In the forests of the night, 49261And when thy heart began to beat What immortal hand or eye 49262What dread hand & what dread feet Dare frame thy fearful symmetry? 49263 49264Could fetch it from the furnace deep 49265And in thy horrid ribs dare steep 49266In the well of sanguine woe? 49267In what clay & in what mould 49268Were thy eyes of fury roll'd? 49269 -- William Blake, "The Tyger" 49270% 49271Type louder, please. 49272% 49273U: There's a U -- a Unicorn! 49274 Run right up and rub its horn. 49275 Look at all those points you're losing! 49276 UMBER HULKS are so confusing. 49277 -- The Roguelet's ABC 49278% 49279Udall's Fourth Law: 49280 Any change or reform you make 49281 is going to have consequences you don't like. 49282% 49283UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist. 49284% 49285Uh-oh -- I've let the cat out of the bag. Let me, then, 49286straightforwardly state the thesis I shall now elaborate: 49287Making variations on a theme is really the crux of creativity. 49288 -- Douglas R. Hofstadter, "Metamagical Themas" 49289% 49290Ummm, well, OK. The network's the network, the computer's the computer. 49291Sorry for the confusion. 49292 -- Sun Microsystems 49293% 49294Unbearably lovely music is heard as the curtain rises, and we see the 49295woods on a summer afternoon. A fawn dances on and nibbles at some 49296leaves. He drifts lazily through the soft foliage. Soon he starts 49297coughing and drops dead. 49298 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 49299% 49300Uncle Cosmo, why do they call this a word processor? 49301It's simple, Skyler. You've seen what food processors do to food, right? 49302% 49303Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb: 49304 Never use your thumb for a rule. 49305 You'll either hit it with a hammer or get a splinter in it. 49306% 49307Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some 49308ordinance under which you can be booked. 49309 -- Robert D. Sprecht, Rand Corp. 49310% 49311Under capitalism, man exploits man. 49312Under communism, it's just the opposite. 49313 -- J.K. Galbraith 49314% 49315Under deadline pressure for the next week. 49316If you want something, it can wait. 49317Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic... 49318% 49319Under every stone lurks a politician. 49320 -- Aristophanes 49321% 49322Under the wide an starry sky, 49323Dig my grave and let me lie, 49324Glad did I live and gladly die, 49325And laid me down with a will, 49326And this be the verse that you grave for me, 49327Here he lies where he longed to be, 49328Home is the sailor home from the sea, 49329And the hunter home from the hill. 49330 -- R. Kipling 49331% 49332Under the wide and heavy VAX 49333Dig my grave and let me relax 49334Long have I lived, and many my hacks 49335And I lay me down with a will. 49336These be the words that tell the way: 49337"Here he lies who piped 64K, 49338Brought down the machine for nearly a day, 49339And Rogue playing to an awful standstill." 49340% 49341Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics: 49342 Superiority is recessive. 49343% 49344understand, v: 49345 To reach a point, in your investigation of some subject, at which 49346 you cease to examine what is really present, and operate on the 49347 basis of your own internal model instead. 49348% 49349Understanding is always the understanding of a smaller problem 49350in relation to a bigger problem. 49351 -- P.D. Ouspensky 49352% 49353Unfair animal names: 49354 49355-- tsetse fly -- bullhead 49356-- booby -- duck-billed platypus 49357-- sapsucker -- Clarence 49358 -- Gary Larson 49359% 49360UNFAIR COMPETITION: 49361 Selling cheaper than we do. 49362% 49363Unfortunately, most programmers like to play with new toys. I have many 49364friends who, immediately upon buying a snakebite kit, would be tempted to 49365throw the first person they see to the ground, tie the tourniquet on him, 49366slash him with the knife, and apply suction to the wound. 49367 -- Jon Bentley 49368% 49369Unhappy the land that needs heroes. 49370 -- Bertolt Brecht 49371% 49372UNION: 49373 A dues-paying club workers wield to strike management. 49374% 49375United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the Christmas 49376season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of all the military 49377forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of all the patriots of 49378every persuasion. Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time 49379low over the world. 49380 -- Isaac Asimov 49381% 49382UNIVERSE: 49383 The problem. 49384% 49385universe, n: 49386 The problem. 49387% 49388Universities are places of knowledge. The freshman each bring a little 49389in with them, and the seniors take none away, so knowledge accumulates. 49390% 49391UNIVERSITY: 49392 Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's 49393 usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell 49394 you how to fix it, and... 49395 49396 [Okay, okay, I'll leave it in, but I think you're destroying 49397 the credibility of the entire fortune program. Ed.] 49398% 49399University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small. 49400 -- Henry Kissinger 49401% 49402UNIX enhancements aren't. 49403% 49404Unix gives you just enough rope to hang yourself -- and then a couple 49405of more feet, just to be sure. 49406 -- Eric Allman 49407 49408... We make rope. 49409 -- Rob Gingell on Sun Microsystem's new virtual memory. 49410% 49411Unix is a lot more complicated (than CP/M) of course -- the typical Unix 49412hacker can never remember what the PRINT command is called this week -- 49413but when it gets right down to it, Unix is a glorified video game. 49414People don't do serious work on Unix systems; they send jokes around the 49415world on USENET or write adventure games and research papers. 49416 -- E. Post 49417 "Real Programmers Don't Use Pascal", Datamation, 7/83 49418% 49419Unix is a Registered Bell of AT&T Trademark Laboratories. 49420 -- Donn Seeley 49421% 49422UNIX is hot. It's more than hot. It's steaming. It's quicksilver 49423lightning with a laserbeam kicker. 49424 -- Michael Jay Tucker 49425% 49426UNIX is many things to many people, 49427but it's never been everything to anybody. 49428% 49429Unix is the worst operating system; except for all others. 49430 -- Berry Kercheval 49431% 49432Unix, n: 49433 A computer operating system, once thought to be flabby and 49434 impotent, that now shows a surprising interest in making off 49435 with the workstation harem. 49436% 49437unix soit qui mal y pense 49438% 49439UNIX was not designed to stop you from doing stupid things, because that 49440would also stop you from doing clever things. 49441 -- Doug Gwyn 49442% 49443Unix will self-destruct in five seconds... 4... 3... 2... 1... 49444% 49445Unknown person(s) stole the American flag from its pole in Etra Park sometime 49446between 3pm Jan 17 and 11:30 am Jan 20. The flag is described as red, white 49447and blue, having 50 stars and was valued at $40. 49448 -- Windsor-Heights Herald "Police Blotter", Jan 28, 1987 49449% 49450Unless hours were cups of sack, and minutes capons, and clocks the tongues 49451of bawds, and dials the signs of leaping houses, and the blessed sun himself 49452a fair, hot wench in flame-colored taffeta, I see no reason why thou shouldst 49453be so superfluous to demand the time of the day. I wasted time and now doth 49454time waste me. 49455 -- William Shakespeare 49456% 49457Unless you love someone, nothing else makes any sense. 49458 -- E.E. Cummings 49459% 49460Unnamed Law: 49461 If it happens, it must be possible. 49462% 49463Unprovided with original learning, unformed in the habits of thinking, 49464unskilled in the arts of composition, I resolved to write a book. 49465 -- Edward Gibbon 49466% 49467Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now 49468pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages. 49469 -- H.L. Mencken 49470% 49471Until Eve arrived, this was a man's world. 49472 -- Richard Amour 49473% 49474UNTOLD WEALTH: 49475 What you left out on April 15th. 49476% 49477Up against the net, redneck mother, 49478Mother who has raised your son so well; 49479He's seventeen and hackin' on a Macintosh, 49480Flaming spelling errors and raisin' hell... 49481% 49482Uppers are no longer stylish, methedrine is almost as rare as pure acid 49483or DMT. "Consciousness Expansion" went out with LBJ and it is worth 49484noting, historically, that downers came in with Nixon. 49485 -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson 49486% 49487Usage: fortune -P [-f] -a [xsz] Q: file [rKe9] -v6[+] file1 ... 49488% 49489Use a pun, go to jail. 49490% 49491Use an accordion. Go to jail. 49492 -- KFOG, San Francisco 49493% 49494Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent 49495if no birds sang there except those that sang best. 49496 -- Henry Van Dyke 49497% 49498USENET would be a better laboratory is there were 49499more labor and less oratory. 49500 -- Elizabeth Haley 49501% 49502USER: 49503 A programmer who will believe anything you tell him. 49504% 49505User hostile. 49506% 49507user, n: 49508 The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot." 49509 -- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top" 49510 49511[I always thought "computer professional" was the phrase hackers used 49512 when they meant "idiot." Ed.] 49513% 49514Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach. 49515 -- S.C. Johnson 49516% 49517Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef. 49518 -- Tom Robbins 49519% 49520/usr/news/gotcha 49521% 49522Usually, when a lot of men get together, it's called a war. 49523 -- Mel Brooks, "The Listener" 49524% 49525VACATION: 49526 A two-week binge of rest and relaxation so intense that 49527 it takes another 50 weeks of your restrained workaday 49528 life-style to recuperate. 49529% 49530Van Roy's Law: 49531 An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. 49532% 49533Van Roy's Law: 49534 Honesty is the best policy - there's less competition. 49535 49536Van Roy's Truism: 49537 Life is a whole series of circumstances beyond your control. 49538% 49539Variables don't; constants aren't. 49540% 49541Vax Vobiscum 49542% 49543Vegetables are what food eats. 49544Fruit are vegetables that fool you by tasting good. 49545Fish are fast moving vegetables. 49546Mushrooms are what grows on vegetables when food's done with them. 49547 -- Meat Eater's Credo, according to Jim Williams 49548% 49549Vegeterians beware! You are what you eat. 49550% 49551Velilind's Laws of Experimentation: 49552 1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once. 49553 2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points. 49554% 49555Veni, Vidi, VISA: 49556 I came, I saw, I did a little shopping. 49557% 49558Verba volant, scripta manent! 49559% 49560Vermouth always makes me brilliant unless it makes me idiotic. 49561 -- E.F. Benson 49562% 49563Very few people do anything creative after the age of thirty-five. The 49564reason is that very few people do anything creative before the age of 49565thirty-five. 49566 -- Joel Hildebrand 49567% 49568Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters. 49569% 49570Very few things actually get manufactured these days, because in an 49571infinitely large Universe, such as the one in which we live, most things one 49572could possibly imagine, and a lot of things one would rather not, grow 49573somewhere. A forest was discovered recently in which most of the trees grew 49574ratchet screwdrivers as fruit. The life cycle of the ratchet screwdriver is 49575quite interesting. Once picked it needs a dark dusty drawer in which it can 49576lie undisturbed for years. Then one night it suddenly hatches, discards its 49577outer skin that crumbles into dust, and emerges as a totally unidentifiable 49578little metal object with flanges at both ends and a sort of ridge and a hole 49579for a screw. This, when found, will get thrown away. No one knows what the 49580screwdriver is supposed to gain from this. Nature, in her infinite wisdom, 49581is presumably working on it. 49582% 49583Very few things happen at the right time, and the rest do not happen 49584at all. The conscientious historian will correct these defects. 49585 -- Herodotus 49586% 49587Vests are to suits as seat-belts are to cars. 49588% 49589VI: 49590 A hungry dog hunts best. 49591 A hungrier dog hunts even better. 49592VII: 49593 Decreased business base increases overhead. 49594 So does increased business base. 49595VIII: 49596 The most unsuccessful four years in the education of a cost-estimator 49597 is fifth grade arithmetic. 49598IX: 49599 Acronyms and abbreviations should be used to the maximum extent 49600 possible to make trivial ideas profound. Q.E.D. 49601X: 49602 Bulls do not win bull fights; people do. 49603 People do not win people fights; lawyers do. 49604 -- Norman Augustine 49605% 49606Victory uber allies! 49607% 49608Viking, n: 49609 1. Daring Scandinavian seafarers, explorers, adventurers, 49610 entrepreneurs world-famous for their aggressive, nautical import 49611 business, highly leveraged takeovers and blue eyes. 49612 2. Bloodthirsty sea pirates who ravaged northern Europe beginning 49613 in the 9th century. 49614 49615Hagar's note: The first definition is much preferred; the second is used 49616only by malcontents, the envious, and disgruntled owners of waterfront 49617property. 49618% 49619Vini, vidi, vici. 49620[I came, I saw, I conquered]. 49621 -- Gaius Julius Caesar 49622% 49623"Violence accomplishes nothing." What a contemptible lie! Raw, naked 49624violence has settled more issues throughout history than any other method 49625ever employed. Perhaps the city fathers of Carthage could debate the 49626issue, with Hitler and Alexander as judges? 49627% 49628Violence is a sword that has no handle -- you have to hold the blade. 49629% 49630Violence is molding. 49631% 49632Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. 49633 -- Salvador Hardin 49634% 49635Violence stinks, no matter which end of it you're on. But now and then 49636there's nothing left to do but hit the other person over the head with a 49637frying pan. Sometimes people are just begging for that frypan, and if we 49638weaken for a moment and honor their request, we should regard it as 49639impulsive philanthropy, which we aren't in any position to afford, but 49640shouldn't regret it too loudly lest we spoil the purity of the deed. 49641 -- Tom Robbins 49642% 49643VIRGINIA: 49644 A group of beautifully mounted hunters galloping behind 49645 baying hounds in pursuit of a union organizer. 49646% 49647VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) 49648 You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is 49649sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes 49650fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers. 49651% 49652VIRGO (Aug.23 - Sept.22) 49653 Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count 49654 to ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this 49655 morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you 49656 wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of 49657 that old underwear you own. 49658% 49659Virtue does not always demand a heavy sacrifice -- 49660only the willingness to make it when necessary. 49661 -- Frederick Dunn 49662% 49663Virtue is its own punishment. 49664 -- Denniston 49665 49666Righteous people terrify me ... virtue is its own punishment. 49667 -- Aneurin Bevan 49668% 49669Virtue is not left to stand alone. 49670He who practices it will have neighbors. 49671 -- Confucius 49672% 49673Virtue would go far if vanity did not keep it company. 49674 -- La Rochefoucauld 49675% 49676Visit beautiful Vergas Minnesota. 49677% 49678Visit beautiful Wisconsin Dells. 49679% 49680Visits always give pleasure: if not on arrival, then on the departure. 49681 -- Edouard Le Berquier, "Pensees des Autres" 49682% 49683VMS, n: 49684 The world's foremost multi-user adventure game. 49685% 49686VMS version 2.0 ==> 49687% 49688Voicless it cries, 49689Wingless flutters, 49690Toothless bites, 49691Mouthless mutters. 49692% 49693VOLCANO: 49694 A mountain with hiccups. 49695% 49696Volcanoes have a grandeur that is grim 49697And earthquakes only terrify the dolts, 49698And to him who's scientific 49699There is nothing that's terrific 49700In the pattern of a flight of thunderbolts! 49701 -- W.S. Gilbert, "The Mikado" 49702% 49703Volley Theory: 49704 It is better to have lobbed and lost 49705 than never to have lobbed at all. 49706% 49707Von Neumann was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Von Neumann 49708supposedly had the habit of simply writing answers to homework assignments on 49709the board (the method of solution being, of course, obvious) when he was asked 49710how to solve problems. One time one of his students tried to get more helpful 49711information by asking if there was another way to solve the problem. Von 49712Neumann looked blank for a moment, thought, and then answered, "Yes.". 49713% 49714Vote anarchist. 49715% 49716Vote early and vote often. 49717 -- Al Capone's slogan for Big Bill Thompson's anti-reform 49718 campaign for Mayor of Chicago, 1926. Big Bill won. 49719% 49720VUJA DE: 49721 The feeling that you've *never*, *ever* been in this situation before. 49722% 49723Wad some power the giftie gie us 49724To see oursels as others see us. 49725 -- R. Browning 49726% 49727Wagner's music is better than it sounds. 49728 -- Mark Twain 49729% 49730Wait for that wisest of all counselors, Time. 49731 -- Pericles 49732% 49733Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?" 497341st customer: "I'll have tea." 497352nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!" 49736 (Waiter exits, returns) 49737Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?" 49738% 49739Wake up all you citizens, hear your country's call, 49740Not to arms and violence, But peace for one and all. 49741Crush out hate and prejudice, fear and greed and sin, 49742Help bring back her dignity, restore her faith again. 49743 49744Work hard for a common cause, don't let our country fall. 49745Make her proud and strong again, democracy for all. 49746Yes, make our country strong again, keep our flag unfurled. 49747Make our country well again, respected by the world. 49748 49749Make her whole and beautiful, work from sun to sun. 49750Stand tall and labor side by side, because there's so much to be done. 49751Yes, make her whole and beautiful, united strong and free, 49752Wake up, all you citizens, It's up to you and me. 49753 -- Pansy Myers Schroeder 49754% 49755Wake up and smell the coffee. 49756 -- Ann Landers 49757% 49758Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered 49759a capital crime. For a first offense, that is. 49760% 49761Walk softly and carry a big stick. 49762 -- Theodore Roosevelt 49763% 49764Walking on water wasn't built in a day. 49765 -- Jack Kerouac 49766% 49767Walt: Dad, what's gradual school? 49768Garp: Gradual school? 49769Walt: Yeah. Mom says her work's more fun now that she's teaching 49770 gradual school. 49771Garp: Oh. Well, gradual school is someplace you go and gradually 49772 find out that you don't want to go to school anymore. 49773 -- The World According To Garp 49774% 49775Walters' Rule: 49776 All airline flights depart from the gates most distant from 49777 the center of the terminal. Nobody ever had a reservation 49778 on a plane that left Gate 1. 49779% 49780Wanna buy a duck? 49781% 49782Wanna tell you all a story 'bout a man named Jed, 49783A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed. 49784But then one day he was shootin' at some food, 49785When up through the ground come a bubblin' crude -- oil, that is; 49786 black gold; 'Texas tea' ... 49787 49788Well the next thing ya know, old Jed's a millionaire. 49789The kinfolk said, 'Jed, move away from there!' 49790They said, 'Californy is the place ya oughta be', 49791So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly -- Hills, that is; 49792 swimmin' pools; movie stars. 49793% 49794War doesn't prove who's right, just who's left. 49795% 49796War hath no fury like a non-combatant. 49797 -- Charles Edward Montague 49798% 49799War is an equal opportunity destroyer. 49800% 49801War is delightful to those who have had no experience of it. 49802 -- Desiderius Erasmus 49803% 49804War is like love, it always finds a way. 49805 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Mother Courage" 49806% 49807War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military. 49808 -- Clemenceau 49809% 49810War spares not the brave, but the cowardly. 49811 -- Anacreon 49812% 49813WARNING: 49814 Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your 49815 mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth 49816 of hair on your palms, and make a difference in the outcome 49817 of your favorite war. 49818% 49819WARNING! 49820 This system is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need! 49821A special circuit in the computer called a "critical detector" senses the 49822user's emotional state in terms of how desperate they are to get their program 49823to run. The "critical detector" then creates a bug in the program proportional 49824to the desperation of the user. Threatening the terminal with violence only 49825aggravates the situation, causing the program to immediately crash or the 49826entire system to go down. Likewise, attempts to use another terminal may cause 49827it to core dump. (They all belong to the same LAN.) Keep cool and say nice 49828things to the terminal. 49829% 49830Warning: Trespassers will be shot. 49831Survivors will be shot again. 49832% 49833WARNING!!! 49834This machine is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need. 49835 49836A special circuit in the machine called "critical detector" senses the 49837operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he/she is to use the 49838machine. The "critical detector" then creates a malfunction proportional 49839to the desperation of the operator. Threatening the machine with violence 49840only aggravates the situation. Likewise, attempts to use another machine 49841may cause it to malfunction. They belong to the same union. Keep cool 49842and say nice things to the machine. Nothing else seems to work. 49843 49844See also: flog(1), tm(1) 49845% 49846Was there a time when dancers with their fiddles 49847In children's circuses could stay their troubles? 49848There was a time they could cry over books, 49849But time has set its maggot on their track. 49850Under the arc of the sky they are unsafe. 49851What's never known is safest in this life. 49852Under the skysigns they who have no arms 49853Have cleanest hands, and, as the heartless ghost 49854Alone's unhurt, so the blind man sees best. 49855 -- Dylan Thomas, "Was There A Time" 49856% 49857Washington, D.C. Wasting your money since 1810. 49858% 49859Washington, D.C: Fifty square miles almost completely surrounded by reality. 49860% 49861Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm. 49862 -- John F. Kennedy 49863% 49864[Washington, D.C.] is the home of... taste for 49865the people -- the big, the bland and the banal. 49866 -- Ada Louise Huxtable 49867% 49868Wasn't there something about a PASCAL programmer 49869knowing the value of everything and the Wirth of nothing? 49870% 49871Waste not fresh tears over old griefs. 49872 -- Euripides 49873% 49874Waste not, get your budget cut next year. 49875% 49876Wasting time is an important part of living. 49877% 49878Watch all-night Donna Reed reruns until your mind resembles oatmeal. 49879% 49880Watch your mouth, kid, or you'll find yourself floating home. 49881 -- Han Solo 49882% 49883Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody. 49884 -- Mark Twain 49885% 49886Watership Down: 49887You've read the book. You've seen the movie. Now eat the stew! 49888% 49889Watson's Law: 49890 The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the 49891 number and significance of any persons watching it. 49892% 49893WE: 49894 The single most important word in the world. 49895% 49896We all agree on the necessity of compromise. We just can't agree on 49897when it's necessary to compromise. 49898 -- Larry Wall 49899% 49900We all declare for liberty, but in using the 49901same word we do not all mean the same thing. 49902 -- A. Lincoln 49903% 49904We all dream of being the darling of everybody's darling. 49905% 49906We all know that no one understands anything that isn't funny. 49907% 49908We all like praise, but a hike in our pay is the best kind of ways. 49909% 49910We all live in a state of ambitious poverty. 49911 -- Decimus Junius Juvenalis 49912% 49913We all live under the same sky, but we don't all have the same horizon. 49914 -- Dr. Konrad Adenauer 49915% 49916We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which divides us is 49917whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being correct. My own feeling 49918is that it is not crazy enough. 49919 -- Niels Bohr 49920% 49921We are all born charming, fresh and spontaneous and must be civilized 49922before we are fit to participate in society. 49923 -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly 49924 Correct Behaviour" 49925% 49926We are all born equal... just some of us are more equal than others. 49927% 49928We are all born mad. Some remain so. 49929 -- Samuel Beckett 49930% 49931We are all dying -- and we're gonna be dead for a long time. 49932% 49933We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. 49934 -- Oscar Wilde 49935% 49936We are all so much together and yet we are all dying of loneliness. 49937 -- A. Schweitzer 49938% 49939We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm. 49940 -- Winston Churchill 49941% 49942We are anthill men upon an anthill world. 49943 -- Ray Bradbury 49944% 49945We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it. 49946 -- Whole Earth Catalog 49947% 49948We are confronted with unsurmountable opportunities. 49949 -- Pogo 49950% 49951We are drowning in information but starved for knowledge. 49952 -- John Naisbitt, Megatrends 49953% 49954We are each entitled to our own opinion, but no one is entitled to his 49955own facts. 49956 -- Patrick Moynihan 49957% 49958We are each only one drop in a great 49959ocean -- but some of the drops sparkle! 49960% 49961We are experiencing system trouble -- do not adjust your terminal. 49962% 49963We are giving instruction to FBI agents in the various Chinese 49964dialects ... to handle present and likely future contingencies. 49965 -- J.Hoover 49966% 49967We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to 49968socialism, because socialism is defunct. It dies all by itself. The bad 49969thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say socialism? 49970 -- Fidel Castro 49971% 49972We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to 49973socialism, because socialism is defunct. It dies all by itself. The 49974bad thing is that socialism, being a victim of its... 49975Did I say socialism? 49976 -- Fidel Castro 49977% 49978We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it. 49979 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower 49980% 49981We are Microsoft. Unix is irrelevant. 49982Openness is futile. Prepare to be assimilated. 49983% 49984We are not a clone. 49985% 49986We are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one. 49987 -- John Fisher 49988% 49989We are not alone. 49990% 49991We are not loved by our friends for what we are; 49992rather, we are loved in spite of what we are. 49993 -- Victor Hugo 49994% 49995We are preparing to think about contemplating preliminary work on plans to 49996develop a schedule for producing the 10th Edition of the Unix Programmers 49997Manual. 49998 -- Andrew Hume 49999% 50000We are simple killers of people and destroyers of property. 50001% 50002We are so fond of each other because our ailments are the same. 50003 -- Jonathon Swift 50004% 50005We are sorry. We cannot complete your call as dialed. Please check 50006the number and dial again or ask your operator for assistance. 50007 50008This is a recording. 50009% 50010We are stronger than our skin of flesh and metal, for we carry and 50011share a spectrum of suns and lands that lends us legends as we craft 50012our immortality and interweave our destinies of water and air, 50013leaving shadows that gather color of their own, until they outshine 50014the substance that cast them. 50015% 50016We are the people our parents warned us about. 50017% 50018We are the unwilling... led by the unqualified... 50019to do the unnecessary... for the ungrateful... 50020 -- GI in Vietnam, 1970 50021% 50022We are what we are. 50023% 50024We are what we pretend to be. 50025 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. 50026% 50027We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved. 50028% 50029We can embody the truth, but we cannot know it. 50030 -- Yates 50031% 50032We can found no scientific discipline, nor a healthy profession on the 50033technical mistakes of the Department of Defense and IBM. 50034 -- Edsger Dijkstra 50035% 50036We cannot command nature except by obeying her. 50037 -- Sir Francis Bacon 50038% 50039We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once. 50040 -- Calvin Coolidge 50041% 50042We could do that, but it would be wrong, that's for sure. 50043 -- Richard Nixon 50044% 50045We could nuke Baghdad into glass, wipe it with Windex, tie fatback on our 50046feet and go skating. 50047 -- Fred Reed, Air Force Times columnist. 50048% 50049We dedicate this book to our fellow citizens who, for love of truth, 50050take from their own wants by taxes and gifts, and now and then send 50051forth one of themselves as dedicated servant, to forward the search 50052into the mysteries and marvelous simplicities of this strange and 50053beautiful Universe, Our home. 50054 -- "Gravitation", Misner, Thorne, and Wheeler 50055% 50056We don't believe in rheumatism and true love until after the first attack. 50057 -- Marie Ebner von Eschenbach 50058% 50059We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company. 50060% 50061We don't care how they do it in New York. 50062% 50063We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand. 50064 -- James Watt, noted theologian 50065% 50066We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything. 50067% 50068We don't know who discovered water, but we're certain it wasn't a fish. 50069% 50070We don't know who it was that discovered water, but we're pretty sure 50071that it wasn't a fish. 50072 -- Marshall McLuhan 50073% 50074We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out. 50075 -- Decca Recording Company, turning down the Beatles, 1962 50076% 50077We don't need no education, we don't need no thought control. 50078 -- Pink Floyd 50079% 50080We don't need no indirection We don't need no compilation 50081We don't need no flow control We don't need no load control 50082No data typing or declarations No link edit for external bindings 50083Hey! did you leave the lists alone? Hey! did you leave that source alone? 50084Chorus: (Chorus) 50085 Oh No. It's just a pure LISP function call. 50086 50087We don't need no side-effecting We don't need no allocation 50088We don't need no flow control We don't need no special-nodes 50089No global variables for execution No dark bit-flipping for debugging 50090Hey! did you leave the args alone? Hey! did you leave those bits alone? 50091(Chorus) (Chorus) 50092 -- "Another Glitch in the Call", a la Pink Floyd 50093% 50094We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers. 50095% 50096We don't smoke and we don't chew, and we don't go with girls that do. 50097 -- Walter Summers 50098% 50099We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't 50100understand the hardware, but we can *see* the blinking lights! 50101% 50102We found on St. Paul's only two kinds of birds -- the booby and the noddy... 50103Both are of a tame and stupid disposition, and are so unaccustomed to 50104visitors, that I could have killed any number of them with my geological 50105hammer. 50106 -- Charles Darwin 50107% 50108We give advice, but we cannot give the wisdom to profit by it. 50109 -- La Rochefoucauld 50110% 50111We gotta get out of this place, 50112If it's the last thing we ever do. 50113 -- The Animals 50114% 50115We have a equal opportunity Calculus class -- it's fully integrated. 50116% 50117We have art that we do not die of the truth. 50118 -- Nietzsche 50119% 50120We have ears, earther...FOUR OF THEM! 50121% 50122We have gone on piling weapon upon weapon, missile upon missile, new 50123levels of destructiveness upon old ones. We have done this helplessly, 50124almost involuntarily: like the victims of some sort of hypnotism, like 50125men in a dream, like lemmings heading for the sea, like the children of 50126Hamelin marching blindly along behind their Pied Piper. And the result 50127is that today we have achieved, we and the Russians together, in the 50128creation of these devices and their means of delivery, levels of 50129redundancy of such grotesque dimensions as to defy rational understanding. 50130 -- George Kennan, May 19, 1981 50131% 50132We have lingered long enough on the shores of the Cosmic Ocean. 50133 -- Carl Sagan 50134% 50135We have met the enemy, and he is us. 50136 -- Walt Kelly 50137% 50138We have more to fear from the bungling of the incompetent 50139than from the machinations of the wicked. 50140% 50141We have no scorched earth policy. 50142We have a policy of scorched Communists. 50143 -- General Efrain Rios Montt, President of Guatemala, 1982 50144% 50145We have not inherited the earth from our parents, we've borrowed it from 50146our children. 50147% 50148We have nowhere else to go... this is all we have. 50149 -- Margaret Mead 50150% 50151We have reason to be afraid. This is a terrible place. 50152 -- John Berryman 50153% 50154We have seen the light at the end of the tunnel, and it's out. 50155% 50156We have the flu. I don't know if this particular strain has an official 50157name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death Flu". You 50158may have had it yourself. The main symptom is that you wish you had another 50159setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that said "ELECTROCUTION". 50160 Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a) 50161your teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength. Midway through the brushing 50162process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a couple 50163of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways out of your 50164mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste stalagmites that 50165would bond your head permanently to the bathroom floor, which is how the 50166police would find you. 50167 You know the kind of flu I'm talking about. 50168 -- Dave Barry 50169% 50170We interrupt this fortune for an important announcement... 50171% 50172"We invented a new protocol and called it Kermit, after Kermit the Frog, 50173star of "The Muppet Show." [3] 50174 50175[3] Why? Mostly because there was a Muppets calendar on the wall when we 50176were trying to think of a name, and Kermit is a pleasant, unassuming sort of 50177character. But since we weren't sure whether it was OK to name our protocol 50178after this popular television and movie star, we pretended that KERMIT was an 50179acronym; unfortunately, we could never find a good set of words to go with the 50180letters, as readers of some of our early source code can attest. Later, while 50181looking through a name book for his forthcoming baby, Bill Catchings noticed 50182that "Kermit" was a Celtic word for "free", which is what all Kermit programs 50183should be, and words to this effect replaced the strained acronyms in our 50184source code (Bill's baby turned out to be a girl, so he had to name her Becky 50185instead). When BYTE Magazine was preparing our 1984 Kermit article for 50186publication, they suggested we contact Henson Associates Inc. for permission 50187to say that we did indeed name the protocol after Kermit the Frog. Permission 50188was kindly granted, and now the real story can be told. I resisted the 50189temptation, however, to call the present work "Kermit the Book." 50190 -- Frank da Cruz, "Kermit - A File Transfer Protocol" 50191% 50192We is confronted with insurmountable opportunities. 50193 -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo" 50194% 50195We know next to nothing about virtually everything. It is not necessary 50196to know the origin of the universe; it is necessary to want to know. 50197Civilization depends not on any particular knowledge, but on the disposition 50198to crave knowledge. 50199 -- George Will 50200% 50201We laugh at the Indian philosopher, who to account for the support 50202of the earth, contrived the hypothesis of a huge elephant, and to support 50203the elephant, a huge tortoise. If we will candidly confess the truth, we 50204know as little of the operation of the nerves, as he did of the manner in 50205which the earth is supported: and our hypothesis about animal spirits, or 50206about the tension and vibrations of the nerves, are as like to be true, as 50207his about the support of the earth. His elephant was a hypothesis, and our 50208hypotheses are elephants. Every theory in philosophy, which is built on 50209pure conjecture, is an elephant; and every theory that is supported partly 50210by fact, and partly by conjecture, is like Nebuchadnezzar's image, whose 50211feet were partly of iron, and partly of clay. 50212 -- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764 50213% 50214We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves. 50215 -- Eric Hoffer 50216% 50217We love our little Johnny 50218He's the best little boy in all the world 50219And we wouldn't trade him for anything 50220That's how much we love him. 50221No, we couldn't live without him 50222So that's why, since he died, 50223We keep him safe in our G.E. freezer. 50224He's so good, so well-behaved, 50225Even better than before; 50226Oh, such a wonderful kid he is. 50227Alice and me, we'll never be lonely, 50228Never miss our little Johnny, 50229He'll never grow up and leave us 50230That's why we love him like we do. 50231 -- Mr. Mincemeat 50232% 50233"We maintain that the very foundation of our way of life is what we call 50234free enterprise," said Cash McCall, "but when one of our citizens 50235show enough free enterprise to pile up a little of that profit, we do 50236our best to make him feel that he ought to be ashamed of himself." 50237 -- Cameron Hawley 50238% 50239We may eventually come to realize that chastity is no more a virtue 50240than malnutrition. 50241 -- Alex Comfort 50242% 50243We may hope that machines will eventually compete with men in all purely 50244intellectual fields. But which are the best ones to start with? Many people 50245think that a very abstract activity, like the playing of chess, would be 50246best. It can also be maintained that it is best to provide the machine with 50247the best sense organs that money can buy, and then teach it to understand 50248and speak English. 50249 -- Alan M. Turing 50250% 50251We may not be able to persuade Hindus that Jesus and not Vishnu should govern 50252their spiritual horizon, nor Moslems that Lord Buddha is at the center of 50253their spiritual universe, nor Hebrews that Mohammed is a major prohpet, nor 50254Christians that Shinto best expresses their spiritual concerns, to say 50255nothing of the fact that we may not be able to get Christians to agree among 50256themselves about their relationship to God. But all will agree on a 50257proposition that they possess profound spiritual resources. If, in addition, 50258we can get them to accept the further proposition that whatever form the 50259Deity may have in their own theology, the Deity is not only external, but 50260internal and acts through them, and they themselves give proof or disproof 50261of the Deity in what they do and think; if this further proposition can be 50262accepted, then we come that much closer to a truly religious situation on 50263earth. 50264 -- Norman Cousins, from his book "Human Options" 50265% 50266We may not like doctors, but at least they doctor. Bankers are not ever 50267popular but at least they bank. Policeman police and undertakers take 50268under. But lawyers do not give us law. We receive not the gladsome light 50269of jurisprudence, but rather precedents, objections, appeals, stays, 50270filings and forms, motions and counter-motions, all at $250 an hour. 50271 -- Nolo News, summer 1989 50272% 50273We may not return the affection of those who like us, 50274but we always respect their good judgement. 50275% 50276...we must be wary of granting too much power to natural selection 50277by viewing all basic capacities of our brain as direct adaptations. 50278I do not doubt that natural selection acted in building our oversized 50279brains -- and I am equally confidant that our brains became large as 50280an adaptation for definite roles (probably a complex set of interacting 50281functions). But these assumptions do not lead to the notion, often 50282uncritically embraced by strict Darwinians, that all major capacities 50283of the brain must arise as direct products of natural selection. 50284 -- S.J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man" 50285% 50286We must believe that it is the darkest before the dawn 50287of a beautiful new world. We will see it when we believe it. 50288 -- Saul Alinsky 50289% 50290We must die because we have known them. 50291 -- Ptah-hotep, 2000 B.C. 50292% 50293We must finish once and for all with the neutrality of chess. We must 50294condemn once and for all the formula 'chess for the sake of chess,' like 50295the formula 'art for art's sake.' We must organize shock-brigades of 50296chess-play ers, and begin the immediate realization of a Five-Year Plan 50297for chess. 50298 -- Nikolai V. Krylenko, People's Commissar for Justice 50299 (of RFSFR, later of USSR), speaking at a 1932 Congress 50300 of Chess Players, as quoted in Boris Souvarine's 50301 "Stalin," published London, 1939 50302% 50303...we must not judge the society of the future by considering whether or not 50304we should like to live in it; the question is whether those who have grown up 50305in it will be happier than those who have grown up in our society or those of 50306the past. 50307 -- Joseph Wood Krutch 50308% 50309We must remember that in time of war what is said on the enemy's side of 50310the front is always propaganda and what is said on our side of the front 50311is truth and righteousness, the cause of humanity and a crusade for peace. 50312 -- Walter Lippmann 50313% 50314We must remember the First Amendment which 50315protects any shrill jackass no matter how self-seeking. 50316 -- F.G. Withington 50317% 50318We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to 50319the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his 50320children smart. 50321 -- H.L. Mencken, "Minority Report" 50322% 50323We only acknowledge small faults in order 50324to make it appear that we are free from great ones. 50325 -- LaRouchefoucauld 50326% 50327We prefer to believe that the absence of inverted commas guarantees the 50328originality of a thought, whereas it may be merely that the utterer has 50329forgotten its source. 50330 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play" 50331% 50332We prefer to speak evil of ourselves 50333rather than not speak of ourselves at all. 50334% 50335We promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears. 50336% 50337We rarely find anyone who can say he has lived a happy life, and who, 50338content with his life, can retire from the world like a satisfied guest. 50339 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 50340% 50341We read to say that we have read. 50342% 50343We really don't have any enemies. 50344It's just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us. 50345% 50346We secure our friends not by accepting favors but by doing them. 50347 -- Thucydides 50348% 50349We seldom repent talking too little, but very often talking too much. 50350 -- Jean de la Bruyere 50351% 50352We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is 50353in it - and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot 50354stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that 50355is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more. 50356 -- Mark Twain 50357% 50358We should be glad we're living in the time that we are. If any of us had been 50359born into a more enlightened age, I'm sure we would have immediately been taken 50360out and shot. 50361 -- Strange de Jim 50362% 50363We should have a great many fewer disputes in the world if only words were 50364taken for what they are, the signs of our ideas only, and not for things 50365themselves. 50366 -- John Locke 50367% 50368We should have a Vollyballocracy. We elect a six-pack of presidents. 50369Each one serves until they screw up, at which point they rotate. 50370 -- Dennis Miller 50371% 50372We should keep the Panama Canal. After all, we stole it fair and square. 50373 -- S.I. Hayakawa 50374% 50375We should realize that a city is better off with bad laws, so long as they 50376remain fixed, then with good laws that are constantly being altered, that 50377the lack of learning combined with sound common sense is more helpful than 50378the kind of cleverness that gets out of hand, and that as a general rule, 50379states are better governed by the man in the street than by intellectuals. 50380These are the sort of people who want to appear wiser than the laws, who 50381want to get their own way in every general discussion, because they feel that 50382they cannot show off their intelligence in matters of greater importance, and 50383who, as a result, very often bring ruin on their country. 50384 -- Cleon, Thucydides, III, 37 translation by Rex Warner 50385% 50386We the unwilling, led by the ungrateful, are doing the impossible. 50387We've done so much, for so long, with so little, 50388that we are now qualified to do something with nothing. 50389% 50390We the Users, in order to form a more perfect system, establish priorities, 50391ensure connective tranquility, provide for common repairs, promote 50392preventive maintenance, and secure the blessings of liberty for ourselves 50393and our processes, do ordain and establish this Software of The Unixed States 50394of America. 50395% 50396We thrive on euphemism. We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet 50397size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative". In 50398fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie". And now, here 50399are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads: 50400 50401EUPHEMISM REALITY 50402------------------- ------------------------- 50403Excited about life's journey No concept of reality 50404Spiritually evolved Oversensitive 50405Moody Manic-depressive 50406Soulful Quiet manic-depressive 50407Poet Boring manic-depressive 50408Sultry/Sensual Easy 50409Uninhibited Lacking basic social skills 50410Unaffected and earthy Slob and lacking basic social skills 50411Irreverent Nasty and lacking basic social skills 50412Very human Quasimodo's best friend 50413Swarthy Sweaty even when cold or standing still 50414Spontaneous/Eclectic Scatterbrained 50415Flexible Desperate 50416Aging child Self-centered adult 50417Youthful Over 40 and trying to deny it 50418Good sense of humor Watches a lot of television 50419% 50420We thrive on euphemism. We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet 50421size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative". In 50422fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie". And now, here 50423are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads: 50424 50425EUPHEMISM REALITY 50426------------------- ------------------------- 50427Independent thinker Crazy 50428High spirited Crazy and hyperactive 50429Free spirited Crazy and irresponsible 50430Outrageous Crazy and obnoxious 50431Exotic Crazy with a pierced nose/nipple 50432Cuddly Overweight 50433Huggable/Zaftig/Rubenesque Fat (there's a lot to love) 50434Big and beautiful Really Fat 50435Fat 'n' sassy Really Fat and loud 50436Svelte/Slender Anorexic 50437Dynamic Pushy 50438Assertive Pushy with a mean streak 50439Feisty/Ambitious Would kill own mother for next corporate rung 50440Demanding Will make your life a living hell 50441Looking for Mr./Ms. Right Looking for Mr./Ms. Rich 50442% 50443We totally deny the allegations, and 50444we're trying to identify the allegators. 50445% 50446We tried to close Ohio's borders and ran into a Constitutional problem. 50447There's a provision in the Constitution that says you can't close your 50448borders to interstate commerce, and garbage is a form of interstate commerce. 50449 -- Ohio Lt. Governor Paul Leonard 50450% 50451[We] use bad software and bad machines for the wrong things. 50452 -- R.W. Hamming 50453% 50454We warn the reader in advance that the proof presented here 50455depends on a clever but highly unmotivated trick. 50456 -- Howard Anton, "Elementary Linear Algebra" 50457% 50458We was playin' the Homestead Grays in the city of Pitchburgh. Josh 50459[Gibson] comes up in the last of the ninth with a man on and us a run 50460behind. Well, he hit one. The Grays waited around and waited around, 50461but finally the empire rules it ain't comin' down. So we win. The 50462next day, we was disputin' the Grays in Philadelphia when here come 50463a ball outta the sky right in the glove of the Grays' center fielder. 50464The empire made the only possible call. "You're out, boy!" he says 50465to Josh. "Yesterday, in Pitchburgh." 50466 -- Satchel Paige 50467% 50468We were happily married for eight months. Unfortunately, we 50469were married for four and a half years. 50470 -- Nick Faldo 50471% 50472We were so poor that we thought new clothes meant someone had died. 50473% 50474We were so poor we couldn't afford a watchdog. 50475If we heard a noise at night, we'd bark ourselves. 50476 -- Crazy Jimmy 50477% 50478We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. But there was 50479also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a 50480French restaurant. [...] 50481 I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk 50482white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I had punched her 50483boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone told him, "You ride the 50484bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was lean and tough like a bad 50485rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he fought me. And when we finished 50486there were no winners, just men doing what men must do. [...] 50487 "Stop the car," the girl said. 50488 There was a look of terrible sadness in her eyes. She knew about the 50489woman of the tollway. I knew not how. I started to speak, but she raised an 50490arm and spoke with a quiet and peace I will never forget. 50491 "I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the tollway 50492belle's for thee." 50493 The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was a lie. 50494Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I poured whiskey 50495onto my granola and faced a new day. 50496 -- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway 50497 Competition 50498% 50499We who revel in nature's diversity and feel instructed by every animal 50500tend to brand Homo sapiens as the greatest catastrophe since the Cretaceous 50501extinction. 50502 -- S.J. Gould 50503% 50504We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve 50505one technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter. 50506% 50507we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love, 50508we will cry over things we used to laugh & 50509our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentle 50510creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then & 50511in the end a summer with wild winds & 50512new friends will be. 50513% 50514We wish you a Hare Krishna 50515We wish you a Hare Krishna 50516We wish you a Hare Krishna 50517And a Sun Myung Moon! 50518 -- Maxwell Smart 50519% 50520WEAPON: 50521 An index of the lack of development of a culture. 50522% 50523Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise. 50524 -- John Heywood 50525% 50526Wedding, n: 50527 A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one 50528 undertakes to become nothing and nothing undertakes to become 50529 supportable. 50530 -- Ambrose Bierce 50531% 50532Wedding rings are the world's smallest handcuffs. 50533% 50534Weed's Axiom: 50535 Never ask two questions in a business letter. 50536 The reply will discuss the one in which you are 50537 least interested and say nothing about the other. 50538% 50539Weekend, where are you? 50540% 50541Weiler's Law: 50542 Nothing is impossible to a person who doesn't have to do the work. 50543% 50544Weinberg, as a young grocery clerk, advised the grocery manager to get 50545rid of rutabagas which nobody every bought. He did so. "Well, kid, that 50546was a great idea," said the manager. Then he paused and asked the killer 50547question, "NOW what's the least popular vegetable?" 50548 50549Law: Once you eliminate your #1 problem, #2 gets a promotion. 50550 -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting" 50551% 50552Weinberg's First Law: 50553 Progress is only made on alternate Fridays. 50554% 50555Weinberg's Principle: 50556 An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping 50557 on to the grand fallacy. 50558% 50559Weinberg's Second Law: 50560 If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, 50561 then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. 50562% 50563Weiner's Law of Libraries: 50564 There are no answers, only cross references. 50565% 50566Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter. 50567He'll come in handy if you run out of food. 50568 -- Dean McLaughlin. 50569% 50570Welcome to boggle - do you want instructions? 50571 50572D G G O 50573 50574O Y A N 50575 50576A D B T 50577 50578K I S P 50579Enter words: 50580> 50581% 50582Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the men are strong, 50583The women are pretty, and the children are above-average. 50584 -- Garrison Keillor 50585% 50586Welcome to the Zoo! 50587% 50588Welcome to UNIX! Enjoy your session! Have a great time! Note the 50589use of exclamation points! They are a very effective method for 50590demonstrating excitement, and can also spice up an otherwise plain-looking 50591sentence! However, there are drawbacks! Too much unnecessary exclaiming 50592can lead to a reduction in the effect that an exclamation point has on 50593the reader! For example, the sentence 50594 50595 Jane went to the store to buy bread 50596 50597should only be ended with an exclamation point if there is something 50598sensational about her going to the store, for example, if Jane is a 50599cocker spaniel or if Jane is on a diet that doesn't allow bread or if 50600Jane doesn't exist for some reason! See how easy it is?! Proper control 50601of exclamation points can add new meaning to your life! Call now to receive 50602my free pamphlet, "The Wonder and Mystery of the Exclamation Point!"! 50603Enclose fifteen(!) dollars for postage and handling! Operators are 50604standing by! (Which is pretty amazing, because they're all cocker spaniels!) 50605% 50606Welcome to Utah. 50607If you think our liquor laws are funny, you should see our underwear! 50608% 50609Well, anyway, I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized 50610that like most books, it had too many words. The plot was the same one that 50611all James Bond books have: An evil person tries to blow up the world, but 50612James Bond kills him and his henchmen and makes love to several attractive 50613women. There, that's it: 24 words. But the guy who wrote the book took 50614*thousands* of words to say it. 50615 Or consider "The Brothers Karamazov", by the famous Russian alcoholic 50616Fyodor Dostoyevsky. It's about these two brothers who kill their father. 50617Or maybe only one of them kills the father. It's impossible to tell because 50618what they mostly do is talk for nearly a thousand pages.If all Russians talk 50619as much as the Karamazovs did, I don't see how they found time to become a 50620major world power. 50621 I'm told that Dostoyevsky wrote "The Brothers Karamazov" to raise 50622the question of whether there is a God. So why didn't he just come right 50623out and say: "Is there a God? It sure beats the heck out of me." 50624 Other famous works could easily have been summarized in a few words: 50625 50626* "Moby Dick" -- Don't mess around with large whales because they symbolize 50627 nature and will kill you. 50628* "A Tale of Two Cities" -- French people are crazy. 50629 -- Dave Barry 50630% 50631We'll be recording at the Paradise Friday 50632night. Live, on the Death label. 50633 -- Swan, "Phantom of the Paradise" 50634% 50635Well begun is half done. 50636 -- Aristotle 50637% 50638We'll cross that bridge when we come back to it later. 50639% 50640Well, didja wake up grouchy or did you let her sleep? 50641% 50642Well, don't worry about it... It's nothing. 50643 -- Lieutenant Kermit Tyler (Duty Officer of Shafter Information 50644 Center, Hawaii), upon being informed that Private Joseph 50645 Lockard had picked up a radar signal of what appeared to be 50646 at least 50 planes soaring toward Oahu at almost 180 miles 50647 per hour, December 7, 1941. 50648% 50649Well, fancy giving money to the Government! 50650Might as well have put it down the drain. 50651Fancy giving money to the Government! 50652Nobody will see the stuff again. 50653Well, they've no idea what money's for -- 50654Ten to one they'll start another war. 50655I've heard a lot of silly things, but, Lor'! 50656Fancy giving money to the Government! 50657 -- A.P. Herbert 50658% 50659We'll have solar energy when the power companies develop a sunbeam meter. 50660% 50661Well, he didn't know what to do, so he decided to look at the government, 50662to see what they did, and scale it down and run his life that way. 50663 -- Laurie Anderson 50664% 50665Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a lot 50666of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke. Hartke is a governor or 50667mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the reason you'll be 50668reading about him is that he's one of the 50 top contenders for the 1984 50669Democratic presidential nomination. These men will spend the next 18 months 50670going around the country engaging in the most degrading activities imaginable, 50671such as wearing idiot hats and appearing on "Meet the Press". "Meet the 50672Press" is one of those Sunday morning public interest shows that the public 50673is not the least bit interested in. It features a panel of reporters who 50674ask questions of a guest politician, who wins an Amana home freezer if he 50675can get through the entire show without answering a single question. 50676 -- Dave Barry 50677% 50678Well I looked at my watch and it said a quarter to five, 50679The headline screamed that I was still alive, 50680I couldn't understand it, I thought I died last night. 50681I dreamed I'd been in a border town, 50682In a little cantina that the boys had found, 50683I was desperate to dance, just to dig the local sounds. 50684When along came a senorita, 50685She looked so good that I had to meet her, 50686I was ready to approach her with my English charm, 50687When her brass knuckled boyfriend grabbed me by the arm, 50688And he said, grow some funk of your own, amigo, 50689Grow some funk of your own. 50690We no like to with the gringo fight, 50691But there might be a death in Mexico tonite. 50692... 50693Take my advice, take the next flight, 50694And grow some funk, grow your funk at home. 50695 -- Elton John, "Grow Some Funk of Your Own" 50696% 50697Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them 50698back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds, 50699or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they 50700they couldn't afford it, that would hold them off. 50701 -- Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile 50702% 50703Well, if you can't believe what you read 50704in a comic book, what *can* you believe? 50705 -- Bullwinkle J. Moose 50706% 50707Well, I'm disenchanted too. We're all disenchanted. 50708 -- James Thurber 50709% 50710Well, it's hard for a mere man to believe that woman doesn't have equal 50711rights. 50712 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower 50713% 50714Well, Jim, I'm not much of an actor either. 50715% 50716We'll know that rock is dead when you have to get a degree to work in it. 50717% 50718WE'LL LOOK INTO IT: 50719 By the time the wheels make a full turn, we 50720 assume you will have forgotten about it,too. 50721% 50722Well, my daddy left home when I was three, 50723And he didn't leave much for Ma and me, 50724Just and old guitar an'a empty bottle of booze. 50725Now I don't blame him 'cause he ran and hid, 50726But the meanest thing that he ever did, 50727Was before he left he went and named me Sue. 50728... 50729But I made me a vow to the moon and the stars, 50730I'd search the honkey tonks and the bars, 50731And kill the man that give me that awful name. 50732It was Gatlinburg in mid-July, 50733I'd just hit town and my throat was dry, 50734Thought I'd stop and have myself a brew, 50735At an old saloon on a street of mud, 50736Sitting at a table, dealing stud, 50737Sat that dirty (bleep) that named me Sue. 50738... 50739Now, I knew that snake was my own sweet Dad, 50740From a wornout picture that my Mother had, 50741And I knew that scar on his cheek and his evil eye... 50742 -- Johnny Cash, "A Boy Named Sue" 50743% 50744Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail, 50745And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail; 50746I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues, 50747I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. 50748 50749If you think that it's nice that you get what you C, 50750Then go : illogical statement with your whole family, 50751'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views. 50752I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. 50753 50754On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze, 50755But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze. 50756Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse, 50757I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. 50758 -- Core Dumped Blues 50759% 50760We'll pivot at warp 2 and bring all tubes to bear, Mr. Sulu! 50761% 50762Well, some take delight in the carriages a-rolling, 50763And some take delight in the hurling and the bowling, 50764But I take delight in the juice of the barley, 50765And courting pretty fair maids in the morning bright and early. 50766% 50767Well thaaaaaaat's okay. 50768% 50769Well, the handwriting is on the floor. 50770 -- Joe E. Lewis 50771% 50772We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, 50773we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail. 50774 -- Dave Barry 50775% 50776Well, we'll really have a party, 50777but we've gotta post a guard outside. 50778 -- Eddie Cochran, "Come On Everybody" 50779% 50780"Well, well, well! Well if it isn't fat stinking billy goat Billy Boy in 50781poison! How art thou, thou globby bottle of cheap stinking chip oil? Come 50782and get one in the yarbles, if ya have any yarble, ya eunuch jelly thou!" 50783 -- Alex in "Clockwork Orange" 50784% 50785Well, we're big rock singers, we've got golden fingers, 50786And we're loved everywhere we go. 50787We sing about beauty, and we sing about truth, 50788At ten thousand dollars a show. 50789We take all kind of pills to give us all kind of thrills, 50790But the thrill we've never known, 50791Is the thrill that'll get'cha, when you get your picture, 50792On the cover of the Rolling Stone. 50793 50794I got a freaky old lady, name of Cole King Katie, 50795Who embroiders on my jeans. 50796I got my poor old gray-haired daddy, 50797Drivin' my limousine. 50798Now it's all designed, to blow our minds, 50799But our minds won't be really be blown; 50800Like the blow that'll get'cha, when you get your picture, 50801On the cover of the Rolling Stone. 50802 50803We got a lot of little, teen-aged, blue-eyed groupies, 50804Who'll do anything we say. 50805We got a genuine Indian guru, that's teachin' us a better way. 50806We got all the friends that money can buy, 50807So we never have to be alone. 50808And we keep gettin' richer, but we can't get our picture, 50809On the cover of the Rolling Stone. 50810 -- Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show 50811 [As a note, they eventually DID make the cover of RS. Ed.] 50812% 50813"Well, we've come full circle, Lord; I'd like to think there's some 50814higher meaning to all this. It would certainly reflect well on you." 50815% 50816Well, you know, no matter where you go, there you are. 50817 -- Buckaroo Banzai 50818% 50819WELL-ADJUSTED: 50820 The ability to play bridge or golf as if they were games. 50821% 50822We 50823own 50824this land. 50825 50826I don't spend 50827any time 50828on this land. 50829 50830This 50831is a tiny 50832little piece 50833 50834of my 50835business 50836interests. 50837 50838It's like 50839a grain 50840of sand. 50841 -- "Alliance Airport, from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot, 50842 recited on ABC's Town Meeting, June 29, 1992. 50843 From SPY Magazine, November 1992 50844% 50845We're all in this alone. 50846 -- Lily Tomlin 50847% 50848We're constantly being bombarded by insulting and humiliating music, which 50849people are making for you the way they make those Wonder Bread products. 50850Just as food can be bad for your system, music can be bad for your spirtual 50851and emotional feelings. It might taste good or clever, but in the long run, 50852it's not going to do anything for you. 50853 -- Bob Dylan, "LA Times", September 5, 1984 50854% 50855We're fantastically incredibly sorry for all these extremely unreasonable 50856things we did. I can only plead that my simple, barely-sentient friend 50857and myself are underprivileged, deprived and also college students. 50858 -- Waldo D.R. Dobbs 50859% 50860We're happy little Vegemites, 50861 As bright as bright can be. 50862We all all enjoy our Vegemite 50863 For breakfast, lunch and tea. 50864% 50865Were it not for the presence of the unwashed and the half-educated, the 50866formless, queer and incomplete, the unreasonable and absurd, the infinite 50867shapes of the delightful human tadpole, the horizon would not wear so wide 50868a grin. 50869 -- F.M. Colby, "Imaginary Obligations" 50870% 50871We're Knights of the Round Table 50872We dance whene'er we're able 50873We do routines and chorus scenes We're knights of the Round Table 50874With footwork impeccable Our shows are formidable 50875We dine well here in Camelot But many times 50876We eat ham and jam and Spam a lot. We're given rhymes 50877 That are quite unsingable 50878In war we're tough and able, We're opera mad in Camelot 50879Quite indefatigable We sing from the diaphragm a lot. 50880Between our quests 50881We sequin vests 50882And impersonate Clark Gable 50883It's a busy life in Camelot. 50884I have to push the pram a lot. 50885 -- Monty Python 50886% 50887We're living in a golden age. All you need is gold. 50888 -- D.W. Robertson. 50889% 50890We're mortal -- which is to say, we're ignorant, stupid, and sinful -- 50891but those are only handicaps. Our pride is that nevertheless, now and 50892then, we do our best. A few times we succeed. What more dare we ask for? 50893 -- Ensign Flandry 50894% 50895"We're not talking about the same thing," he said. "For you the world is 50896weird because if you're not bored with it you're at odds with it. For me 50897the world is weird because it is stupendous, awesome, mysterious, 50898unfathomable; my interest has been to convince you that you must accept 50899responsibility for being here, in this marvelous world, in this marvelous 50900desert, in this marvelous time. I wanted to convince you that you must 50901learn to make every act count, since you are going to be here for only a 50902short while, in fact, too short for witnessing all the marvels of it." 50903 -- Don Juan 50904% 50905We're only in it for the volume. 50906 -- Black Sabbath 50907% 50908Were there no women, men might live like gods. 50909 -- Thomas Dekker 50910% 50911Wernher von Braun settled for a V-2 when he coulda had a V-8. 50912% 50913Westheimer's Discovery: 50914 A couple of months in the laboratory can 50915 frequently save a couple of hours in the library. 50916% 50917Wethern's Law: 50918 Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. 50919% 50920We've tried each spinning space mote 50921And reckoned its true worth: 50922Take us back again to the homes of men 50923On the cool, green hills of Earth. 50924 50925The arching sky is calling 50926Spacemen back to their trade. 50927All hands! Standby! Free falling! 50928And the lights below us fade. 50929Out ride the sons of Terra, 50930Far drives the thundering jet, 50931Up leaps the race of Earthmen, 50932Out, far, and onward yet-- 50933 50934We pray for one last landing 50935On the globe that gave us birth; 50936Let us rest our eyes on the fleecy skies 50937And the cool, green hills of Earth. 50938 -- Robert A. Heinlein, 1941 50939% 50940Wharbat darbid yarbou sarbay? 50941% 50942What!? Me worry? 50943 -- A.E. Newman 50944% 50945What a bonanza! An unknown beginner to be directed by Lubitsch, in a script 50946by Wilder and Brackett, and to play with Paramount's two superstars, Gary 50947Cooper and Claudette Colbert, and to be beaten up by both of them! 50948 -- David Niven, "Bring On the Empty Horses" 50949% 50950What a misfortune to be a woman! And yet, the worst misfortune is not to 50951understand what a misfortune it is. 50952 -- Kierkegaard, 1813-1855. 50953% 50954What a strange game. The only winning move is not to play. 50955 -- WOP, "War Games" 50956% 50957What, after all, is a halo? It's only one more thing to keep clean. 50958 -- Christopher Fry 50959% 50960What an artist dies with me! 50961 -- Nero 50962% 50963What an author likes to write most is his signature on the 50964back of a cheque. 50965 -- Brendan Francis 50966% 50967What awful irony is this? 50968We are as gods, but know it not. 50969% 50970What causes the mysterious death of everyone? 50971% 50972What color is a chameleon on a mirror? 50973% 50974What did ya do with your burder and your cross? 50975Did you carry it yourself or did you cry? 50976You and I know that a burden and a cross, 50977Can only be carried on one man's back. 50978 -- Louden Wainwright III 50979% 50980What did you bring that book I didn't want 50981to be read to out of about Down Under up for? 50982% 50983What did you do when the ship sank? 50984I grabbed a cake of soap and washed myself ashore. 50985% 50986What do I consider a reasonable person to be? I'd say a reasonable person 50987is one who accepts that we are all human and therefore fallible, and takes 50988that into account when dealing with others. Implicit in this definition is 50989the belief that it is the right and the responsibility of each person to 50990live his or her own life as he or she sees fit, to respect this right in 50991others, and to demand the assumption of this responsibility by others. 50992% 50993What do you give a man who has everything? Penicillin. 50994 -- Jerry Lester 50995% 50996What do you have when you have six lawyers buried up to their necks in sand? 50997Not enough sand. 50998% 50999What does education often do? 51000It makes a straight cut ditch of a free meandering brook. 51001 -- Henry David Thoreau 51002% 51003What does it mean if there is no fortune for you? 51004% 51005What does it take for Americans to do great things; to go to the moon, to 51006win wars, to dig canals linking oceans, to build railroads across a continent? 51007In independent thought about this question, Neil Armstrong and I concluded 51008that it takes a coincidence of four conditions, or in Neil's view, the 51009simultaneous peaking of four of the many cycles of American life. First, a 51010base of technology must exist from which to do the thing to be done. Second, 51011a period of national uneasiness about America's place in the scheme of human 51012activities must exist. Third, some catalytic event must occur that focuses 51013the national attention upon the direction to proceed. Finally, an articulate 51014and wise leader must sense these first three conditions and put forth with 51015words and action the great thing to be accomplished. The motivation of young 51016Americans to do what needs to be done flows from such a coincidence of 51017conditions. ... The Thomas Jeffersons, The Teddy Roosevelts, The John 51018Kennedys appear. We must begin to create the tools of leadership which they, 51019and their young frontiersmen, will require to lead us onward and upward. 51020 -- Dr. Harrison H. Schmidt 51021% 51022What does not destroy me, makes me stronger. 51023 -- Nietzsche 51024% 51025What ever happened to happily ever after? 51026% 51027What excuses stand in your way? How can you eliminate them? 51028 -- Roger von Oech 51029% 51030What foods these morsels be! 51031% 51032What fools these morals be! 51033% 51034What fools these mortals be. 51035 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca 51036% 51037What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art. 51038% 51039What goes up must come down. But don't expect it to come down 51040where you can find it. Murphy's Law applied to Newton's. 51041% 51042What good is a ticket to the good life, 51043if you can't find the entrance? 51044% 51045What good is an obscenity trial except to popularize literature? 51046 -- Nero Wolfe, "The League of Frightened Men" 51047% 51048What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow 51049in his footsteps? 51050% 51051What good is having someone who can walk 51052on water if you don't follow in his footsteps? 51053% 51054What good is it if you talk in flowers, and they think in pastry? 51055 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 51056% 51057What happened last night can happen again. 51058% 51059What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations 51060involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will 51061be pretty bad. 51062 -- Dave Barry 51063% 51064What happens to a dream deferred? 51065Does it dry up 51066Like a raisin in the sun? 51067Or fester like a sore -- 51068And then run? 51069Does it stink like rotten meat? 51070Or crust and sugar over -- 51071Like a syrupy sweet? 51072 51073Maybe it just sags 51074Like a heavy load. 51075 51076Or does it explode? 51077 -- Langston Hughes 51078% 51079What happens when you cut back the jungle? It recedes. 51080% 51081What has roots as nobody sees, 51082Is taller than trees, 51083Up, up it goes, 51084And yet never grows? 51085% 51086What I mean (and everybody else means) by the word QUALITY cannot be 51087broken down into subjects and predicates. This is not because Quality 51088is so mysterious but because Quality is so simple, immediate, and direct. 51089 -- R. Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" 51090% 51091What I tell you three times is true. 51092 -- Lewis Carroll 51093% 51094What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility. 51095% 51096What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? 51097In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. 51098 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 51099% 51100What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? 51101Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists? 51102 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 51103% 51104What if there had been room at the inn? 51105 -- Linda Festa on the origins of Christianity 51106% 51107What is a magician but a practising theorist? 51108 -- Obi-Wan Kenobi 51109% 51110What is algebra, exactly? Is it one of those three-cornered things? 51111 -- J.M. Barrie 51112% 51113What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making 51114them puke. 51115 -- Steve Martin 51116% 51117What is food to one, is to others bitter poison. 51118 -- Titus Lucretius Carus 51119% 51120What is good? Everything that heightens the feeling of power in man, the 51121will to power, power itself. What is bad? Everything that is born of 51122weakness. Not contentedness but more power; not peace but war; not virtue 51123but fitness. The weak and the failures shall perish: first principle of 51124our love of man. And they shall even be given every possible assistance. 51125What is more harmful than any vice? Active pity for all the failures and 51126all the weak: Christianity. 51127 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 51128% 51129What is important is food, money and opportunities for scoring off one's 51130enemies. Give a man these three things and you won't hear much squawking 51131out of him. 51132 -- Brian O'Nolan, "The Best of Myles" 51133% 51134What is irritating about love is that it is a crime that requires 51135an accomplice. 51136 -- Charles Baudelaire 51137% 51138What is love but a second-hand emotion? 51139 -- Tina Turner 51140% 51141What is mind? No matter. 51142What is matter? Never mind. 51143 -- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875 51144% 51145What is now proved was once only imagin'd. 51146 -- William Blake 51147% 51148What is research but a blind date with knowledge? 51149 -- Will Harvey 51150% 51151What is robbing a bank compared with founding a bank? 51152 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera" 51153% 51154What is status? 51155 Status is when the President calls you for your opinion. 51156 51157Uh, no... 51158 Status is when the President calls you in to discuss a 51159 problem with him. 51160 51161Uh, that still ain't right... 51162 STATUS is when you're in the Oval Office talking to the President, 51163 and the phone rings. The President picks it up, listens for a 51164 minute, and hands it to you, saying, "It's for you." 51165% 51166What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern computer? 51167It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest and the 51168establishment of a Hilton on its peak. 51169% 51170What is the robbing of a bank compared to the founding of a bank? 51171 -- Bertold Brecht 51172% 51173What is the sound of one hand clapping? 51174% 51175What is this line of duty, and suffering? You are not supposed to suffer 51176if you are an assassin. The other person is supposed to suffer. 51177 -- Chiun, glory of the name of Sinanju, teacher of the youth 51178 from outside Sinanju named Remo. 51179% 51180What is tolerance? -- it is the consequence of humanity. We are all formed 51181of frailty and error; let us pardon reciprocally each other's folly -- that 51182is the first law of nature. 51183 -- Voltaire 51184% 51185What is truth? We must adopt a pragmatic definition: it is what is believed 51186to be the truth. A lie that is put across therefore becomes the truth and 51187may, therefore, be justified. The difficulty is to keep up lying... it is 51188simpler to tell the truth and if a sufficient emergency arises, to tell one, 51189big thumping lie that will then be believed. 51190 -- Ministry of Information, memo on the maintenance of 51191 British civilian morale, 1939 51192% 51193What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out, 51194which is the exact opposite. 51195 -- Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical Essays", 1928 51196% 51197What is wanted is not the will-to-believe, 51198but the wish to find out, which is exact opposite. 51199 -- Bertrand Russell 51200% 51201What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it. 51202% 51203What kind of sordid business are you on now? I mean, man, whither 51204goest thou? Whither goest thou, America, in thy shiny car in the night? 51205 -- Jack Kerouac 51206% 51207What luck for the rulers that men do not think. 51208 -- Adolph Hitler 51209% 51210What makes the Universe so hard to comprehend 51211is that there's nothing to compare it with. 51212% 51213What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us 51214is that they think themselves cleverer than we are. 51215% 51216What makes you think graduate school 51217is supposed to be satisfying? 51218 -- Erica Jong, "Fear of Flying" 51219% 51220What most people want is all of the power but none of the responsibility. 51221% 51222What no spouse of a writer can ever understand 51223is that a writer is working when he's staring out the window. 51224% 51225What nonsense people talk about happy marriages! 51226A man can be happy with any woman so long as he doesn't love her. 51227 -- Wilde 51228% 51229What on earth would a man do with himself 51230if something did not stand in his way? 51231 -- H.G. Wells 51232% 51233What one believes to be true either is true or becomes true. 51234 -- John Lilly 51235% 51236What one fool can do, another can. 51237 -- Ancient Simian Proverb 51238% 51239What orators lack in depth they make up in length. 51240% 51241What pains others pleasures me, 51242At home am I in Lisp or C; 51243There i couch in ecstasy, 51244'Til debugger's poke i flee, 51245Into kernel memory. 51246In system space, system space, there shall i fare-- 51247Inside of a VAX on a silicon square. 51248% 51249What passes for optimism is most often the effect of an intellectual error. 51250 -- Raymond Aron, "The Opium of the Intellectuals" 51251% 51252What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing 51253more than man's transparency. 51254 -- George Nathan 51255% 51256What passes for woman's intuition 51257is often nothing more than man's transparency. 51258% 51259What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism. 51260It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books 51261and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes 51262and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: Yes, 51263women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate 51264mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige 51265and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort. 51266 -- Susan Gordon 51267% 51268What really shapes and conditions and makes us is somebody only a few 51269of us ever have the courage to face: and that is the child you once 51270were, long before formal education ever got its claws into you -- that 51271impatient, all-demanding child who wants love and power and can't get 51272enough of either and who goes on raging and weeping in your spirit 51273till at last your eyes are closed and all the fools say, "Doesn't he 51274look peaceful?" It is those pent-up, craving children who make all 51275the wars and all the horrors and all the art and all the beauty and 51276discovery in life, because they are trying to achieve what lay beyond 51277their grasp before they were five years old. 51278 -- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels" 51279% 51280What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy? 51281 -- U.K. LeGuin 51282% 51283What scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch? 51284 -- J.D. Farley 51285% 51286What segment's this, that, laid to rest 51287On FHA0, is sleeping? 51288What system file, lay here a while This, this is "acct.run," 51289While hackers around it were weeping? Accounting file for everyone. 51290 Dump, dump it and type it out, 51291 The file, the highseg of login. 51292Why lies it here, on public disk 51293And why is it now unprotected? 51294A bug in incant, made it thus. Mount, mount all your DECtapes now 51295And copy the file somehow, somehow. The problem has not been corrected. 51296 Dump, dump it and type it out, 51297 The file, the highseg of login. 51298 -- to Greensleeves 51299% 51300What sin has not been committed in the name of efficiency? 51301% 51302What soon grows old? Gratitude. 51303 -- Aristotle 51304% 51305What, still alive at twenty-two, 51306A clean upstanding chap like you? 51307Sure, if your throat 'tis hard to slit, 51308Slit your girl's, and swing for it. 51309Like enough, you won't be glad, 51310When they come to hang you, lad: 51311But bacon's not the only thing 51312That's cured by hanging from a string. 51313So, when the spilt ink of the night 51314Spreads o'er the blotting pad of light, 51315Lads whose job is still to do 51316Shall whet their knives, and think of you. 51317 -- Hugh Kingsmill 51318% 51319What the deuce is it to me? You say that we go around the sun. If we went 51320around the moon it would not make a pennyworth of difference to me or my work. 51321 -- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet" 51322% 51323What the hell is it good for? 51324 -- Robert Lloyd (engineer of the Advanced Computing Systems 51325 Division of IBM), to colleagues who insisted that the 51326 microprocessor was the wave of the future, c. 1968 51327% 51328What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away. 51329% 51330What the scientists have in their briefcases is terrifying. 51331 -- Nikita Khruschev 51332% 51333What they said: 51334 What they meant: 51335 51336"I recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever." 51337 (Yes, that about sums it up.) 51338"The amount of mathematics she knows will surprise you." 51339 (And I recommend not giving that school a dime...) 51340"I simply can't say enough good things about him." 51341 (What a screw-up.) 51342"I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine." 51343 (I can't tell you how happy I am that she left our firm.) 51344"When this person left our employ, we were quite hopeful he would go 51345a long way with his skills." 51346 (We hoped he'd go as far as possible.) 51347"You won't find many people like her." 51348 (In fact, most people can't stand being around her.) 51349"I cannot reccommend him too highly." 51350 (However, to the best of my knowledge, he has never committed a 51351 felony in my presence.) 51352% 51353What they said: 51354 What they meant: 51355 51356"If you knew this person as well as I know him, you would think as much 51357of him as I do." 51358 (Or as little, to phrase it slightly more accurately.) 51359"Her input was always critical." 51360 (She never had a good word to say.) 51361"I have no doubt about his capability to do good work." 51362 (And it's nonexistent.) 51363"This candidate would lend balance to a department like yours, which 51364already has so many outstanding members." 51365 (Unless you already have a moron.) 51366"His presentation to my seminar last semester was truly remarkable: 51367one unbelievable result after another." 51368 (And we didn't believe them, either.) 51369"She is quite uniform in her approach to any function you may assign her." 51370 (In fact, to life in general...) 51371% 51372What they said: 51373 What they meant: 51374 51375"You will be fortunate if you can get him to work for you." 51376 (We certainly never succeeded.) 51377There is no other employee with whom I can adequately compare him. 51378 (Well, our rats aren't really employees...) 51379"Success will never spoil him." 51380 (Well, at least not MUCH more.) 51381"One usually comes away from him with a good feeling." 51382 (And such a sigh of relief.) 51383"His dissertation is the sort of work you don't expect to see these days; 51384in it he has definitely demonstrated his complete capabilities." 51385 (And his IQ, as well.) 51386"He should go far." 51387 (The farther the better.) 51388"He will take full advantage of his staff." 51389 (He even has one of them mowing his lawn after work.) 51390% 51391What they say: What they mean: 51392 51393A major technological breakthrough... Back to the drawing board. 51394Developed after years of research Discovered by pure accident. 51395Project behind original schedule due We're working on something else. 51396 to unforseen difficulties 51397Designs are within allowable limits We made it, stretching a point or two. 51398Customer satisfaction is believed So far behind schedule that they'll be 51399 assured grateful for anything at all. 51400Close project coordination We're gonna spread the blame, campers! 51401Test results were extremely gratifying It works, and boy, were we surprised! 51402The design will be finalized... We haven't started yet, but we've got 51403 to say something. 51404The entire concept has been rejected The guy who designed it quit. 51405We're moving forward with a fresh We hired three new guys, and they're 51406 approach kicking it around. 51407A number of different approaches... We don't know where we're going, but 51408 we're moving. 51409Preliminary operational tests are Blew up when we turned it on. 51410 inconclusive 51411Modifications are underway We're starting over. 51412% 51413What they say: What they mean: 51414 51415New Different colors from previous version. 51416All New Not compatible with previous version. 51417Exclusive Nobody else has documentation. 51418Unmatched Almost as good as the competition. 51419Design Simplicity The company wouldn't give us any money. 51420Fool-proof Operation All parameters are hard-coded. 51421Advanced Design Nobody really understands it. 51422Here At Last Didn't get it done on time. 51423Field Tested We don't have any simulators. 51424Years of Development Finally got one to work. 51425Unprecedented Performance Nothing ever ran this slow before. 51426Revolutionary Disk drives go 'round and 'round. 51427Futuristic Only runs on a next generation supercomputer. 51428No Maintenance Impossible to fix. 51429Performance Proven Worked through Beta test. 51430Meets Tough Quality Standards It compiles without errors. 51431Satisfaction Guaranteed We'll send you another pack if it fails. 51432Stock Item We shipped it before and can do it again. 51433% 51434What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel. 51435% 51436What this country needs is a good 5 dollar plasma weapon. 51437% 51438What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING! 51439% 51440What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer. 51441% 51442What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel. 51443% 51444What time is it? 51445I don't know, it keeps changing. 51446% 51447What upsets me is not that you lied to me, 51448but that from now on I can no longer believe you. 51449 -- Nietzsche 51450% 51451What we Are is God's give to us. 51452What we Become is our gift to God. 51453% 51454What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence. 51455 -- Wittgenstein 51456% 51457What we do not understand we do not possess. 51458 -- Goethe 51459% 51460What we need is either less corruption, 51461or more chance to participate in it. 51462% 51463What we see depends on mainly what we look for. 51464 -- John Lubbock 51465% 51466What we wish, that we readily believe. 51467 -- Demosthenes 51468% 51469What will you do if all your problems aren't solved by the time you die? 51470% 51471What you don't know won't help you much either. 51472 -- D. Bennett 51473% 51474What you see is from outside yourself, and may come, or not, but is beyond 51475your control. But your fear is yours, and yours alone, like your voice, or 51476your fingers, or your memory, and therefore yours to control. If you feel 51477powerless over your fear, you have not yet admitted that it is yours, to do 51478with as you will. 51479 -- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "Stormqueen" 51480% 51481What you want, what you're hanging around in the world waiting for, is for 51482something to occur to you. 51483 -- Robert Frost 51484 51485 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 51486 referring to AST's.] 51487% 51488Whatever became of eternal truth? 51489% 51490Whatever became of Strange de Jim? Well, he found a substitute for 51491cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your 51492nostrils as far as they will go. Then you sniff talcum powder while 51493shredding hundred dollar bills." 51494 -- Herb Caen 51495% 51496Whatever doesn't succeed in two months and a half in California will 51497never succeed. 51498 -- Rev. Henry Durant, founder of the University of California 51499% 51500Whatever else can be said about sex, it cannot be called a dignified 51501performance. 51502 -- Helen Lawrenson 51503% 51504Whatever happened to the good old days 51505when sex was dirty and the air was clean? 51506% 51507Whatever is not nailed down is mine. 51508Whatever I can pry up is not nailed down. 51509 -- Collis P. Huntingdon, railroad tycoon 51510% 51511Whatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts. 51512 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) 51513% 51514Whatever occurs from love is always beyond good and evil. 51515 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 51516% 51517Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half 51518as good. Luckily this is not difficult. 51519 -- Charlotte Whitton 51520% 51521Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that 51522you do it. 51523 -- Ghandi 51524% 51525Whatever you do will be insignificant, 51526but it is very important that you do it. 51527 -- Gandhi 51528% 51529Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this: that you are dreadfully like 51530other people. 51531 -- James Russell Lowell, "My Study Windows" 51532% 51533Whatever you want to do, you have to do something else first. 51534% 51535What's a cult? It just means not enough people to make a minority. 51536 -- Robert Altman 51537% 51538What's all this bru-ha-ha? 51539% 51540What's another word for "thesaurus"? 51541 -- Steven Wright 51542% 51543What's done to children, they will do to society. 51544% 51545What's page one, a preemptive strike? 51546 -- Professor Freund, Communication, Ramapo State College 51547% 51548What's so funny? 51549% 51550What's the matter with the world? Why, there ain't but one thing wrong 51551with every one of us - and that's "selfishness." 51552 -- The Best of Will Rogers 51553% 51554What's the ugliest part of your body? 51555What's the ugliest part of your body? 51556Some say your nose, 51557Some say your toes, 51558But I think it's your mind. 51559 -- Frank Zappa, 1965 51560% 51561What's this stuff about people being "released on their 51562own recognizance"? Aren't we all out on own recognizance? 51563% 51564When a Banker jumps out of a window, 51565jump after him -- that's where the money is. 51566 -- Robespierre 51567% 51568When a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far! 51569% 51570When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose? 51571% 51572When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but 51573the principle of the thing," it's the money. 51574 -- Kim Hubbard 51575% 51576When a girl can read the handwriting on 51577the wall, she may be in the wrong rest room. 51578% 51579When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the 51580inattentions of one. 51581 -- Helen Rowland 51582% 51583When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions 51584of many men for the inattentions of one. 51585 Helen Rowland 51586% 51587When a lion meets another with a louder roar, 51588the first lion thinks the last a bore. 51589 -- G.B. Shaw 51590% 51591When a lot of remedies are suggested for 51592a disease, that means it can't be cured. 51593 -- Chekhov, "The Cherry Orchard" 51594% 51595When a man assumes a public trust, he 51596should consider himself as public property. 51597 -- Thomas Jefferson 51598% 51599When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life. 51600 -- Samuel Johnson 51601% 51602When a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight, 51603it concentrates his mind wonderfully. 51604 -- Samuel Johnson 51605% 51606When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. 51607But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute-- and it's longer than any 51608hour. That's relativity. 51609 -- Albert Einstein 51610% 51611When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him 51612keep her. 51613 -- Sacha Guitry 51614% 51615When a man you like switches from what he said a year ago, or four years 51616ago, he is a broad-minded man who has courage enough to change his mind 51617with changing conditions. When a man you don't like does it, he is a 51618liar who has broken his promises. 51619 -- Franklin Adams 51620% 51621When a person goes on a diet, the first thing he loses is his temper. 51622% 51623When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is not 51624far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space travel 51625is that it made it possible to go elsewhere. 51626 -- R.A. Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love" 51627% 51628When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see 51629the sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain 51630relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten. 51631 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" 51632% 51633When a woman gives me a present I have always two surprises: 51634first is the present, and afterward, having to pay for it. 51635 -- Donnay 51636% 51637When a woman marries again it is because she detested her first husband. 51638When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife. 51639 -- Wilde 51640% 51641When alerted to an intrusion by tinkling glass or otherwise, 1) Calm 51642yourself 2) Identify the intruder 3) If hostile, kill him. 51643 51644Step number 3 is of particular importance. If you leave the guy alive 51645out of misguided softheartedness, he will repay your generosity of spirit 51646by suing you for causing his subsequent paraplegia and seek to force you 51647to support him for the rest of his rotten life. In court he will plead 51648that he was depressed because society had failed him, and that he was 51649looking for Mother Teresa for comfort and to offer his services to the 51650poor. In that lawsuit, you will lose. If, on the other hand, you kill 51651him, the most that you can expect is that a relative will bring a wrongful 51652death action. You will have two advantages: first, there be only your 51653story; forget Mother Teresa. Second, even if you lose, how much could 51654the bum's life be worth anyway? A Lot less than 50 years worth of 51655paralysis. Don't play George Bush and Saddam Hussein. Finish the job. 51656 -- G. Gordon Liddy's Forbes column on personal security 51657% 51658When Alexander Graham Bell died in 1922, the telephone people 51659interrupted service for one minute in his honor. They've been 51660honoring him intermittently ever since, I believe. 51661 -- The Grab Bag 51662% 51663When all else fails, EAT!!! 51664% 51665When all else fails, pour a pint of Guinness in the gas tank, advance 51666the spark 20 degrees, cry "God Save the Queen!", and pull the starter 51667knob. 51668 -- MG "Series MGA" Workshop Manual 51669% 51670When all else fails, read the instructions. 51671% 51672When all else fails, try Kate Smith. 51673% 51674When all other means of communication fail, try words. 51675% 51676When among apes, one must play the ape. 51677% 51678When angry, count four; when very angry, swear. 51679 -- Mark Twain 51680% 51681When arguments fail, use a blackjack. 51682 -- Ed "Spike" O'Donnell 51683% 51684When arguments fail, use a blackjack. 51685 -- Edward "Spike" O'Donnell, Al Capone associate. 51686% 51687When asked the definition of "pi": 51688The Mathematician: 51689 Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the 51690 circumference of a circle and its diameter. 51691The Physicist: 51692 Pi is 3.1415927, plus or minus 0.000000005. 51693The Engineer: 51694 Pi is about 3. 51695% 51696When Boy Scouts do it, it's intense. 51697% 51698When childhood dies, its corpses are called adults. 51699 -- Brian Aldiss 51700% 51701When choosing between two evils, I always 51702like to take the one I've never tried before. 51703 -- Mae West, "Klondike Annie" 51704% 51705When confronted by a difficult problem, you can often solve it quite 51706easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger 51707handle this?" 51708% 51709When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by 51710reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?" 51711% 51712When Cthulhu calls, He calls collect! 51713% 51714When democracy granted democratic methods to us in times of opposition, this 51715was bound to happen in a democratic system. However, we National Socialists 51716never asserted that we represented a democratic point of view, but we have 51717declared openly that we used the democratic methods only to gain power and 51718that, after assuming the power, we would deny to our adversaries without any 51719consideration the means which were granted to us in times of our opposition. 51720 -- Josef Goebbels 51721% 51722When Dexter's on the Internet, can Hell be far behind?" 51723% 51724When does later become never? 51725% 51726When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask? 51727Well, last year, I think it was a Tuesday. 51728% 51729When eating an elephant take one bite at a time. 51730 -- Gen. C. Abrams 51731% 51732When forecasting, give them a number 51733or give them a date, but never both. 51734% 51735When God endowed human beings with brains, 51736He did not intend to guarantee them. 51737% 51738When God saw how faulty was man He tried again and made woman. As to 51739why he then stopped there are two opinions. One of them is woman's. 51740 -- DeGourmont 51741% 51742When he got in trouble in the ring, [Ali] imagined a door swung open and 51743inside he could see neon, orange, and green lights blinking, and bats 51744blowing trumpets and alligators blowing trombones, and he could hear snakes 51745screaming. Weird masks and actors' clothes hung on the wall, and if he 51746stepped across the sill and reached for them, he knew that he was committing 51747himself to destruction. 51748 -- George Plimpton 51749% 51750When I came back to Dublin I was courtmartialed in my absence and sentenced 51751to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence. 51752 -- Brendan Behan 51753% 51754When I demanded of my friend what viands he preferred, 51755He quoth: "A large cold bottle, and a small hot bird!" 51756 -- Eugene Field, "The Bottle and the Bird" 51757% 51758when i die, i'd like to go peacefully. 51759in my sleep. 51760like my grandfather. 51761 51762not screaming, 51763like the passengers in his car... 51764% 51765When I drink, *everybody* drinks!" a man shouted to the assembled bar patrons. A 51766loud general cheer went up. After downing his whiskey, he hopped onto a 51767barstool and shouted "When I take another drink, *everybody* takes another 51768drink!" The announcement produced another cheer and another round of drinks. 51769 As soon as he had downed his second drink, the fellow hopped back 51770onto the stool. "And when I pay," he bellowed, slapping five dollars onto 51771the bar, "*everybody* pays!" 51772% 51773When I first arrived in this country I had only fifteen cents in my pocket 51774and a willingness to compromise. 51775 -- Weber cartoon caption 51776% 51777When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and get a great 51778parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me 51779if i'm leaving. 51780 -- Steven Wright 51781% 51782When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, 51783then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving. 51784 -- Steven Wright 51785% 51786When I grow up, I want to be an honest 51787lawyer so things like that can't happen. 51788 -- Richard Nixon, as a boy, on the Teapot Dome scandal 51789% 51790When I have one foot in the grave I will tell the truth about women. I 51791shall tell it, jump into my coffin, pull the lid over me, and say, "Do 51792what you like now." 51793 -- Tolstoy 51794% 51795When I hear a man applauded by the mob I always feel a pang of pity 51796for him. All he has to do to be hissed is to live long enough. 51797 -- H.L. Mencken, "Minority Report" 51798% 51799When I kill, the only thing I feel is recoil. 51800% 51801When I said "we", officer, I was referring to 51802myself, the four young ladies, and, of course, the goat. 51803% 51804When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said 51805to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane." 51806 -- Franklyn Ajaye 51807% 51808When I say the magic word to all these people, they will vanish forever. 51809I will then say the magic words to you, and you, too, will vanish -- never 51810to be seen again. 51811 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Between Time and Timbuktu" 51812% 51813When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve 51814it on silver trays on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality. 51815 -- Al Capone 51816% 51817When I think about myself, 51818I almost laugh myself to death, 51819My life has been one great big joke, Sixty years in these folks' world 51820A dance that's walked The child I works for calls me girl 51821A song that's spoke, I say "Yes ma'am" for working's sake. 51822I laugh so hard I almost choke Too proud to bend 51823When I think about myself. Too poor to break, 51824 I laugh until my stomach ache, 51825 When I think about myself. 51826My folks can make me split my side, 51827I laughed so hard I nearly died, 51828The tales they tell, sound just like lying, 51829They grow the fruit, 51830But eat the rind, 51831I laugh until I start to crying, 51832When I think about my folks. 51833 -- Maya Angelou 51834% 51835When I was 16, I thought there was no hope for my father. 51836By the time I was 20, he had made great improvement. 51837% 51838When I was a boy I was told that anyone could become President. 51839Now I'm beginning to believe it. 51840 -- Clarence Darrow 51841% 51842When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the backyard... 51843I was an only child... eventually. 51844 -- Stephen Wright 51845% 51846When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd 51847all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. 51848It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear. 51849 -- Jack Handey 51850% 51851When I was a kid, we had a quick-sand box in the backyard. 51852I was an only child... eventually. 51853 -- Steven Wright 51854% 51855When I was a young man, I vowed never to marry until I found the ideal 51856woman. Well, I found her -- but alas, she was waiting for the ideal man. 51857 -- Robert Schuman 51858% 51859When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if 51860I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?" 51861 -- Steven Wright 51862% 51863When I was growing up my mother kept telling me we're just friends. 51864 51865I tell ya I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my Dad kept the kid's 51866picture that came with the wallet he bought. 51867 -- Rodney Dangerfield 51868% 51869When I was in college, there were a lot of four-letter words you couldn't 51870say in front of girls. Now you can say them. But you can't say "girls". 51871% 51872When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: 51873I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. 51874 -- Woody Allen 51875% 51876When I was little, I went into a pet shop and they asked how big I'd get. 51877 -- Rodney Dangerfield 51878% 51879When I was seven years old, I was once reprimanded by my mother for an act 51880of collective brutality in which I had been involved at school. A group of 51881seven-year-olds had been teasing and tormenting a six-year-old. "It is 51882always so," my mother said. "You do things together which not one of you 51883would think of doing alone." ... Wherever one looks in the world of human 51884organization, collective responsibility brings a lowering of moral standards. 51885The military establishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems 51886to have been expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things 51887together which nobody in his right mind would do alone. 51888 -- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope" 51889% 51890When I was young we didn't have MTV; we 51891had to take drugs and go to concerts. 51892 -- Steven Pearl 51893% 51894When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened 51895or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot 51896remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to 51897pieces like this but we all have to do it. 51898 -- Mark Twain 51899% 51900When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked if I had 51901slept well. I said, "No, I made a few mistakes." 51902 -- Steven Wright 51903% 51904When I works, I works hard. 51905When I sits, I sits easy. 51906And when I thinks, I goes to sleep. 51907% 51908When I'm gone, boxing will be nothing again. The fans with the cigars and 51909the hats turned down'll be there, but no more housewives and little men in 51910the street and foreign presidents. It's goin' to be back to the fighter who 51911comes to town, smells a flower, visits a hospital, blows a horn and says 51912he's in shape. Old hat. I was the onliest boxer in history people asked 51913questions like a senator. 51914 -- Muhammad Ali 51915% 51916When I'm good, I'm great; but when I'm bad, I'm better. 51917 -- Mae West 51918% 51919When in charge ponder, 51920When in doubt mumble, 51921When in trouble delegate. 51922% 51923When in doubt, do it. It's much easier 51924to apologize than to get permission. 51925 -- Grace Murray Hopper 51926% 51927When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess. 51928% 51929When in doubt, follow your heart. 51930% 51931When in doubt, have a man come through the door with a gun in his hand. 51932 -- Raymond Chandler 51933% 51934When in doubt, lead trump. 51935% 51936When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder. 51937 -- James H. Boren 51938% 51939When in doubt, tell the truth. 51940 -- Mark Twain 51941% 51942When in doubt, use brute force. 51943 -- Ken Thompson 51944% 51945When in Rome, live in the Roman way. 51946 -- St. Ambrose 51947% 51948When in this world the headlines read 51949Of those whose hearts are filled with greed 51950Who rob and steal from those who need 51951The cry goes up with blinding speed for Underdog (UNDERDOG!) 51952Underdog (UNDERDOG!) 51953Speed of lightning, roar of thunder 51954Fighting all who rob or plunder 51955Underdog (ah-ah-ah-ah) 51956Underdog 51957UNDERDOG! 51958% 51959When in trouble or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout. 51960% 51961When it comes to broken marriages most husbands will split the blame -- 51962half his wife's fault, and half her mother's. 51963% 51964When it comes to helping you, some people stop at nothing. 51965% 51966When it is not necessary to make a decision, 51967it is necessary not to make a decision. 51968% 51969When it's dark enough you can see the stars. 51970 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, 51971% 51972When license fees are too high, 51973users do things by hand. 51974When the management is too intrusive, 51975users lose their spirit. 51976 51977Hack for the user's benefit. 51978Trust them; leave them alone. 51979% 51980When love is gone, there's always justice. 51981And when justice is gone, there's always force. 51982And when force is gone, there's always Mom. 51983Hi, Mom! 51984 -- Laurie Anderson 51985% 51986When man calls an animal "vicious", he usually means that it 51987will attempt to defend itself when he tries to kill it. 51988% 51989When managers hold endless meetings, the programmers write games. When 51990accountants talk of quarterly profits, the development budget is about to 51991be cut. When senior scientists talk blue sky, the clouds are about to roll 51992in. 51993 51994Truly, this is not the Tao of Programming. 51995 51996When managers make commitments, game programs are ignored. When accountants 51997make long-range plans, harmony and order are about to be restored. When 51998senior scientists address the problems at hand, the problems will soon be 51999solved. 52000 52001Truly, this is the Tao of Programming. 52002% 52003When Marriage is Outlawed, 52004Only Outlaws will have Inlaws. 52005% 52006When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results. 52007 -- Calvin Coolidge 52008% 52009When my brain begins to reel from my 52010literary labors, I make an occasional cheese dip. 52011 -- Ignatius Reilly 52012% 52013When my fist clenches crack it open, 52014Before I use it and lose my cool. 52015When I smile tell me some bad news, 52016Before I laugh and act like a fool. 52017 52018And if I swallow anything evil, 52019Put you finger down my throat. 52020And if I shiver please give me a blanket, 52021Keep me warm let me wear your coat 52022 52023No one knows what it's like to be the bad man, 52024 to be the sad man. 52025Behind blue eyes. 52026No one knows what its like to be hated, 52027 to be fated, 52028To telling only lies. 52029 -- The Who 52030% 52031When my freshman roommate at Cornell found out I was Jewish, she was, 52032at her request, moved to a different room. She told me she didn't 52033think she had ever seen a Jew before. My only response was to begin 52034wearing a small Star of David on a chain around my neck. I had not 52035become a more observing Jew; rather, discovering that the label of 52036Jew was offensive to others made me want to let people know who I 52037was and what I believed in. Similarly, after talking to these young 52038women -- one of whom told me that she didn't think she had ever met 52039a feminist -- I've taken to identifying myself as a feminist in the 52040most unlikely of situations. 52041 -- Susan Bolotin, "Voices From the Post-Feminist Generation" 52042% 52043When neither their poverty nor their honor is 52044touched, the majority of men live content. 52045 -- Niccolo Machiavelli 52046% 52047When nothing can possibly go wrong, it will. 52048% 52049When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes. 52050 -- Dylan Thomas 52051% 52052When one knows women one pities men, 52053but when one studies men, one excuses women. 52054 -- Horne Tooke 52055% 52056When one wants to get rid of an unsupportable pressure, one needs hashish. 52057 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 52058% 52059When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony concerts, 52060she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years -- and I find I mind 52061it less and less." 52062 -- Louise Andrews Kent 52063% 52064When oxygen Tech played Hydrogen U. 52065The Game had just begun, when Hydrogen scored two fast points 52066And Oxygen still had none 52067Then Oxygen scored a single goal 52068And thus it did remain, At Hydrogen 2 and Oxygen 1 52069Called because of rain. 52070% 52071When people have trouble communicating, 52072the least they can do is to shut up. 52073 -- Tom Lehrer 52074% 52075When people say nothing, they don't necessarily mean nothing. 52076% 52077When pleasure remains, does it remain a pleasure? 52078% 52079When President Paul Doumer of France was assassinated in Paris in 1932, 52080newspapers differed in their versions of the event. This is from "Paris 52081was Yesterday: 1925-1939" by Janet Flanner, edited by Irving Drutman. 52082 52083 Taste varied as to his cry when he was shot down, the more popular 52084 papers preferring his despairing "Oh, la la!," the graver dailies 52085 favoring "Is it possible?" What few reported were his dying words: 52086 "But what kind of chauffeur was it?" Having been told by his aides 52087 not that he had been shot but that he had been struck by a taxi, the 52088 President spent the last conscious moments of his life wondering how 52089 how an automobile got into the charity book sale at the Maison 52090 Rothschild, where his assassination occurred. 52091% 52092When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for 52093every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when your boss 52094is away and you get twice as much done. 52095 -- Daniel B. Luten 52096% 52097When smashing monuments, save the pedstals -- they always come in handy. 52098 -- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts" 52099% 52100When some people decide it's time for everyone to make 52101big changes, it means that they want you to change first. 52102% 52103When some people discover the truth, they just 52104can't understand why everybody isn't eager to hear it. 52105% 52106When someone makes a move We'll send them all we've got, 52107Of which we don't approve, John Wayne and Randolph Scott, 52108Who is it that always intervenes? Remember those exciting fighting scenes? 52109U.N. and O.A.S., To the shores of Tripoli, 52110They have their place, I guess, But not to Mississippoli, 52111But first, send the Marines! What do we do? We send the Marines! 52112 52113For might makes right, Members of the corps 52114And till they've seen the light, All hate the thought of war: 52115They've got to be protected, They'd rather kill them off by 52116 peaceful means. 52117All their rights respected, Stop calling it aggression-- 52118Till somebody we like can be elected. We hate that expression! 52119 We only want the world to know 52120 That we support the status quo; 52121 They love us everywhere we go, 52122 So when in doubt, send the Marines! 52123 -- Tom Lehrer, "Send The Marines" 52124% 52125When someone says "I want a programming language in 52126which I need only say what I wish done," give him a lollipop. 52127% 52128When speculation has done its worst, two plus two still equals four. 52129 -- S. Johnson 52130% 52131When taxes are due, Americans tend to feel quite bled-white and blue. 52132% 52133When the Apple IIc was introduced, the informative copy led off with a couple 52134of asterisked sentences: 52135 52136 It weighs less than 8 pounds.* 52137 And costs less than $1,300.** 52138 52139In tiny type were these "fuller explanations": 52140 52141 * Don't asterisks make you suspicious as all get out? Well, all 52142 this means is that the IIc alone weights 7.5 pounds. The power 52143 pack, monitor, an extra disk drive, a printer and several bricks 52144 will make the IIc weigh more. Our lawyers were concerned that you 52145 might not be able to figure this out for yourself. 52146 52147 ** The FTC is concerned about price fixing. You can pay more if 52148 you really want to. Or less. 52149 -- Forbes 52150% 52151When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us!" 52152 -- Turkish proverb 52153% 52154When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff. 52155 -- Chinese proverb 52156% 52157When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking 52158about themselves. 52159% 52160When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never 52161talking about themselves. 52162% 52163When the candles are out all women are fair. 52164 -- Plutarch 52165% 52166When the cup is full, carry it level. 52167% 52168When the English language gets in my way, I walk over it. 52169 -- Billy Sunday 52170% 52171When the fog came in on little cat feet last night, it left these little 52172muddy paw prints on the hood of my car. 52173% 52174When the going gets tough, everyone leaves. 52175 -- Lynch 52176% 52177When the going gets tough, the tough go grab a beer. 52178% 52179When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping. 52180% 52181When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. 52182 -- Hunter S. Thompson 52183% 52184When the government bureau's remedies do not match 52185your problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy. 52186% 52187When the government bureau's remedies don't match your problem, you modify 52188the problem, not the remedy. 52189% 52190When the Guru administers, the users 52191are hardly aware that he exists. 52192Next best is a sysop who is loved. 52193Next, one who is feared. 52194And worst, one who is despised. 52195 52196If you don't trust the users, 52197you make them untrustworthy. 52198 52199The Guru doesn't talk, he hacks. 52200When his work is done, 52201the users say, "Amazing: 52202we implemented it, all by ourselves!" 52203% 52204When the leaders speak of peace 52205The common folk know 52206That war is coming 52207When the leaders curse war 52208The mobilization order is already written out. 52209 52210Every day, to earn my daily bread 52211I go to the market where lies are bought 52212Hopefully 52213I take my place among the sellers. 52214 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Hollywood" 52215% 52216When the lights are out, all women are fair. 52217 -- Plutarch 52218% 52219When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies, 52220the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a 52221nose bleed, which usually cures them of that. 52222 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 52223% 52224When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem starts to look 52225like a nail. 52226% 52227When the President does it, that means it is not illegal. 52228 -- Richard Nixon 52229% 52230When the revolution comes, count your change. 52231% 52232When the saleman's car broke down, he walked to the nearest farmhouse to ask 52233if he could stay the night. The farmer agreed to put him up. "I live alone," 52234he continued, "you can have the bedroom at the top of the stairs, to the 52235right." 52236 "Oh, never mind," the disappointed salesman said. "I think I'm in 52237the wrong joke." 52238% 52239When the sun shineth, make hay. 52240 -- John Heywood 52241% 52242When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the 52243stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them 52244from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones were 52245set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the corners as 52246bodies of a lower grade... 52247 -- Stanislaw Lem 52248% 52249When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in a movie theatre, 52250he walked over and whispered, "I'm sorry, sir, but you're allowed only a single 52251seat." The man moaned, but did not budge. "Sir," the user said more loudly, 52252"if you don't move, I'll have to call a manager." The man moaned again but 52253stayed where he was. The usher left, and returned with the manager, who, after 52254several more attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police. 52255 The cop took a look at the reclining man and said, "All right, boyo, 52256what's your name?" 52257 "Samuel," he mumbled. 52258 "And where're you from, Sam?" 52259 "The balcony." 52260% 52261When the wind is great, bow before it; 52262when the wind is heavy, yield to it. 52263% 52264When there are two conflicting versions of the story, the wise course 52265is to believe the one in which people appear at their worst. 52266 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow" 52267% 52268When there is an old maid in the house, a watch dog is unnecessary. 52269 -- Balzac 52270% 52271When things go well, expect something to 52272explode, erode, collapse or just disappear. 52273% 52274When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, 52275most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear 52276that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition 52277continuously until death do them part. 52278 -- George Bernard Shaw 52279% 52280When users see one GUI as beautiful, 52281other user interfaces become ugly. 52282When users see some programs as winners, 52283other programs become lossage. 52284 52285Pointers and NULLs reference each other. 52286High level and assembler depend on each other. 52287Double and float cast to each other. 52288High-endian and low-endian define each other. 52289While and until follow each other. 52290 52291Therefore the Guru 52292programs without doing anything 52293and teaches without saying anything. 52294Warnings arise and he lets them come; 52295processes are swapped and he lets them go. 52296He has but doesn't possess, 52297acts but doesn't expect. 52298When his work is done, he deletes it. 52299That is why it lasts forever. 52300% 52301When we are planning for posterity, 52302we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary. 52303 -- Thomas Paine 52304% 52305When we jumped into Sicily, the units became separated, and I couldn't find 52306anyone. Eventually I stumbled across two colonels, a major, three captains, 52307two lieutenants, and one rifleman, and we secured the bridge. Never in the 52308history of war have so few been led by so many. 52309 -- General James Gavin 52310% 52311When we talk of tomorrow, the gods laugh. 52312% 52313When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be 52314as before -- except our finger-tips will have been singed. 52315% 52316When we write programs that "learn", 52317it turns out we do and they don't. 52318% 52319When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands. 52320 -- H.L. Mencken, "Sententiae" 52321% 52322When women love us, they forgive us everything, even our crimes; 52323when they do not love us, they give us credit for nothing, not 52324even our virtues. 52325 -- Balzac 52326% 52327When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all. 52328 -- Roger Zelazny, "Doorways in the Sand" 52329% 52330When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of investigation 52331of a topic, it is well to gave the answer firmly in hand, so that you can 52332proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or swayed, directly to the 52333goal. 52334 -- Amrom Katz 52335% 52336When you are at Rome live in the Roman style; 52337when you are elsewhere live as they live elsewhere. 52338 -- St. Ambrose 52339% 52340When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut. 52341% 52342When you are working hard, get up and retch every so often. 52343% 52344When you are young, you enjoy a sustained illusion that sooner or later 52345something marvelous is going to happen, that you are going to transcend 52346your parents' limitations... At the same time, you feel sure that in all 52347the wilderness of possibility; in all the forests of opinion, there is a 52348vital something that can be known -- known and grasped. That we will 52349eventually know it, and convert the whole mystery into a coherent 52350narrative. So that then one's true life -- the point of everything -- 52351will emerge from the mist into a pure light, into total comprehension. 52352But it isn't like that at all. But if it isn't, where did the idea come 52353from, to torture and unsettle us? 52354 -- Brian Aldiss, "Helliconia Summer" 52355% 52356When you become used to never being alone, 52357you may consider yourself Americanized. 52358% 52359When you dial a wrong number you never get a busy signal. 52360% 52361When you die, you lose a very important part of your life. 52362 -- Brooke Shields 52363% 52364When you dig another out of trouble, 52365you've got a place to bury your own. 52366% 52367When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly. 52368% 52369When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried. 52370% 52371When you find yourself in danger, when you're threatened by a stranger, 52372When it looks like you will take a lickin'... 52373There is one thing you should learn, 52374When there is no one else to turn to, 52375Caaaall for Super Chicken (**bwuck-bwuck-bwuck-bwuck**) 52376Caaaall for Super Chicken!! 52377% 52378When you find yourself in danger, 52379When you're threatened by a stranger, 52380When it looks like you will take a lickin'... 52381 52382There is one thing you should learn, 52383When there is no one else to turn to, 52384 Caaaall for Super Chicken!! (**bwuck-bwuck-bwuck-bwuck**) 52385 Caaaall for Super Chicken!! 52386% 52387When you find yourself in danger, 52388When you're threatened by a stranger, 52389When it looks like you will take a lickin'... 52390There is one thing you should learn, 52391When there is no one else to turn to, 52392Caaaaaall for Super Chicken. 52393% 52394When you get what you want in your struggle for self 52395And the world makes you king for a day, 52396Just go to a mirror and look at yourself 52397And see what that man has to say. 52398 For it isn't your father or mother or wife 52399 Whose judgement upon you must pass; 52400 The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life 52401 Is the one staring back from the glass. 52402Some people may think you a straight-shootin' chum 52403And call you a wonderful guy, 52404But the man in the glass says you're only a bum 52405If you can't look him straight in the eye. 52406 He's the fellow to please, never mind all the rest, 52407 For he's with you clear up to the end, 52408 And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test 52409 If the man in the glass is your friend. 52410You may fool the whole world down the pathway of life 52411And get pats on the back as you pass, 52412But your final reward will be heartaches and tears 52413If you've cheated the man in the glass. 52414% 52415When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve 52416people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. 52417 -- Norm Crosby 52418% 52419When you go out to buy, don't show your silver. 52420% 52421When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever 52422remains, however improbable, must be the truth. 52423 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four" 52424% 52425When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure 52426clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite 52427answer to a definite problem. For better or worse you have 52428acted decisively. In a way, the next move is up to him. 52429 -- R.A. Lafferty 52430% 52431When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite. 52432 -- W. Churchill, on formal declarations of war 52433% 52434When you jump for joy, beware that no-one 52435moves the ground from beneath your feet. 52436 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts" 52437% 52438When you live in a sick society, 52439just about everything you do is wrong. 52440% 52441When you make your mark in the world, 52442watch out for guys with erasers. 52443 -- The Wall Street Journal 52444% 52445When you meet a master swordsman, 52446show him your sword. 52447When you meet a man who is not a poet, 52448do not show him your poem. 52449 -- Rinzai, ninth century Zen master 52450% 52451When you overesteem great hackers, 52452more users become cretins. 52453When you develop encryption, 52454more users become crackers. 52455 52456The Guru leads 52457by emptying user's minds 52458and increasing their quotas, 52459by weakening their ambition 52460and toughening their resolve. 52461When users lack knowledge and desire, 52462management will not try to interfere. 52463 52464Practice not-looping, 52465and everything will fall into place. 52466% 52467When you say that you agree to a thing in principle, you mean that 52468you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice. 52469 -- Otto Von Bismarck 52470% 52471When you speak to others for their own good it's advice; 52472when they speak to you for your own good it's interference. 52473% 52474When you try to make an impression, the 52475chances are that is the impression you will make. 52476% 52477When you were born, a big chance was taken for you. 52478% 52479When your conscious becomes unconscious, you are drunk. 52480When your unconscious becomes conscious, you are stoned. 52481% 52482When your life is a leaf that the seasons tear off and condemn 52483They will bind you with love that is graceful and green as a stem. 52484 -- Leonard Cohen, "Sisters of Mercy" 52485% 52486When your memory goes, forget it! 52487% 52488When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt. 52489 -- Henry J. Kaiser 52490% 52491When you're a Yup 52492You're a Yup all the way 52493From your first slice of Brie 52494To your last Cabernet. 52495 52496When you're a Yup 52497You're not just a dreamer 52498You're making things happen 52499You're driving a Beamer. 52500% 52501When you're away, I'm restless, lonely 52502Wretched, bored, dejected, only 52503Here's the rub, my darling dear, 52504I feel the same when you are hear. 52505 -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "Poems in Praise of Practically Nothing" 52506% 52507When you're bored with yourself, marry, and be bored with someone else. 52508 -- David Pryce-Jones 52509% 52510When you're dining out and you suspect 52511something's wrong, you're probably right. 52512% 52513When you're down and out, lift up your 52514voice and shout, "I'M DOWN AND OUT"! 52515% 52516When you're in command, command. 52517 -- Admiral Nimitz 52518% 52519When you're married to someone, they take you for granted ... when 52520you're living with someone it's fantastic ... they're so frightened 52521of losing you they've got to keep you satisfied all the time. 52522 -- Nell Dunn, "Poor Cow" 52523% 52524When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN. 52525% 52526When you're ready to give up the struggle, who can you surrender to? 52527% 52528WHEN YOU'RE RIDING IN A TIME MACHINE way far into the future, don't stick 52529your elbow out the window or it'll turn into a fossil. 52530 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 52531% 52532When you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all. 52533% 52534Whenever a system becomes completely defined, 52535some damn fool discovers something which either 52536abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition. 52537% 52538WHENEVER ANYBODY SAYS he's struggling to become a human being I have to 52539laugh because the apes beat him to it by about a million years. Struggle 52540to become a parrot or something. 52541 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 52542% 52543Whenever anyone says, "theoretically," they really mean "not really". 52544 -- Dave Parnas 52545% 52546Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children 52547to spend their weekends with? 52548 -- Rita Rudner 52549% 52550Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes. 52551% 52552Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel 52553a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally. 52554 -- A. Lincoln 52555% 52556Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct 52557is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. 52558Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny. 52559 -- Jack Handey 52560% 52561Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. 52562 -- Oscar Wilde 52563% 52564Whenever Richard Cory went downtown, 52565 We people on the pavement looked at him: 52566He was a gentleman from sole to crown, 52567 Clean-favored, and imperially slim. 52568And he was always quietly arrayed, 52569 And he was always human when he talked; 52570But still he fluttered pulses when he said, 52571 "Good morning," and he glittered when he walked. 52572And he was rich -- yes, richer than a king -- 52573 And admirably schooled in every grace: 52574In fine, we thought that he was everything 52575 To make us wish that we were in his place. 52576So on we worked, and waited for the light, 52577 And went without the meat, and cursed the bread; 52578And Richard Cory, one calm summer night, 52579 Went home and put a bullet through his head. 52580 -- E.A. Robinson, "Richard Cory" 52581% 52582Whenever someone tells you to take their advice, 52583you can be pretty sure that they're not using it. 52584% 52585Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that 52586is the last you are going to see of him until he emerges 52587on the other side of his Atlantic with his verb in his mouth. 52588 -- Mark Twain 52589% 52590Whenever you find that you are on the 52591side of the majority, it is time to reform. 52592 -- Mark Twain 52593% 52594Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equpped with 18,000 vaccuum tubes and 52595weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vaccuum tubes 52596and perhaps weight 1 1/2 tons. 52597 -- Popular Mechanics, March 1949 52598% 52599Where am I? Who am I? Am I? I 52600% 52601Where are the calculations that go with a calculated risk? 52602% 52603WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE 52604 Oh, dear, where can the matter be 52605 When it's converted to energy? 52606 There is a slight loss of parity. 52607 Johnny's so long at the fair. 52608% 52609Where do I find the time for not reading so many books? 52610 -- Karl Kraus 52611% 52612Where do you go to get anorexia? 52613 -- Shelley Winters 52614% 52615Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what 52616is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will. 52617 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 52618% 52619Where is John Carson now that we need him? 52620 -- RLG 52621% 52622Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to 52623examine the laws of heat. 52624 -- Christopher Morley 52625% 52626Where, oh, where, are you tonight? 52627Why did you leave me here all alone? 52628I searched the world over, and I thought I'd found true love. 52629You met another, and *PPHHHLLLBBBBTTT*, you wuz gone. 52630 52631Gloom, despair and agony on me. 52632Deep dark depression, excessive misery. 52633If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all. 52634Oh, gloom, despair and agony on me. 52635 -- Hee Haw 52636% 52637Where, oh where, are you tonight? 52638Why did you leave me here all alone? 52639I searched the world over, 52640And I thought I'd found true love, 52641You met another and [Bronx cheer] you were gone! 52642 -- Hee Haw 52643% 52644Where the hell is Wall Drug? 52645% 52646Where the system is concerned, you're not allowed to ask "Why?". 52647% 52648Where there are visible vapors, having their prevenance 52649in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration. 52650% 52651Where there is much light there is also much shadow. 52652 -- Goethe 52653% 52654Where there's a whip there's a way. 52655% 52656Where there's a will, there's a relative. 52657% 52658Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax. 52659% 52660Where will it all end? 52661Probably somewhere near where it all began. 52662% 52663Where you stand depends on where you sit. 52664 -- Rufus Miles, HEW 52665% 52666Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent. 52667 -- Wittgenstein 52668% 52669Where's the man could ease a heart 52670Like a satin gown? 52671 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Satin Dress" 52672% 52673...whether it is better to spend a life not knowing what you want or to 52674spend a life knowing exactly what you want and that you will never have it. 52675 -- Richard Shelton 52676% 52677Whether weary or unweary, O man, do not rest, 52678Do not cease your single-handed struggle. 52679Go on, do not rest. 52680 -- An old Gujarati hymn 52681% 52682Whether you can hear it or not, 52683The Universe is laughing behind your back. 52684% 52685Which would you rather have, a bursting 52686planet or an earthquake here and there? 52687 -- John Joseph Lynch 52688% 52689While anyone can admit to themselves they were 52690wrong, the true test is admission to someone else. 52691% 52692While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things, 52693The fate of empires and the fall of kings; 52694While quacks of State must each produce his plan, 52695And even children lisp the Rights of Man; 52696Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention, 52697The Rights of Woman merit some attention. 52698 -- Robert Burns, 52699 Address on "The Rights of Woman", November 26, 1792 52700% 52701While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things, 52702The fate of empires and the fall of kings; 52703While quacks of State must each produce his plan, 52704And even children lisp the Rights of Man; 52705Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention, 52706The Rights of Woman merit some attention. 52707 -- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman", 1792 52708% 52709While having never invented a sin, 52710I'm trying to perfect several. 52711% 52712While he was in New York on location for _Bronco Billy_ (1980), Clint 52713Eastwood agreed to a television interview. His host, somewhat hostile, 52714began by defining a Clint Eastwood picture as a violent, ruthless, 52715lawless, and bloody piece of mayhem, and then asked Eastwood himself to 52716define a Clint Eastwood picture. "To me," said Eastwood calmly, "what 52717a Clint Eastwood picture is, is one that I'm in." 52718 -- Boller and Davis, "Hollywood Anecdotes" 52719% 52720While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping, 52721As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door. 52722 -- Edgar Allan Poe, "The Raven" 52723 52724 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 52725 referring to hardware interrupts.] 52726 52727And now I see with eye serene 52728The very pulse of the machine. 52729 -- William Wordsworth, "She Was a Phantom of Delight" 52730 52731 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 52732 referring to software interrupts.] 52733% 52734While money can't buy happiness, it certainly 52735lets you choose your own form of misery. 52736% 52737While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position. 52738% 52739While most peoples' opinions change, 52740the conviction of their correctness never does. 52741% 52742While passing a vacant lot late one night, a jogger was stopped by a man who 52743held a gun to his head. 52744 "Who are you for," the gunman snarled, "Bush or Dukakis?" 52745 The runner thought for a moment, shifting nervously from foot to foot, 52746as the muzzle pressed harder into his temple. 52747 "Bush or Dukakis?" the mugger insisted. 52748 Finally, the jogger shrugged his shoulders, closed his eyes and bowed 52749his head. "Go ahead and shoot." 52750% 52751While there's life, there's hope. 52752 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) 52753% 52754While walking down a crowded 52755City street the other day, 52756I heard a little urchin 52757To a comrade turn and say, 52758"Say, Chimmey, lemme tell youse, 52759I'd be happy as a clam 52760If only I was de feller dat 52761Me mudder t'inks I am. 52762 52763"She t'inks I am a wonder, My friends, be yours a life of toil 52764An' she knows her little lad Or undiluted joy, 52765Could never mix wit' nuttin' You can learn a wholesome lesson 52766Dat was ugly, mean or bad. From that small, untutored boy. 52767Oh, lot o' times I sit and t'ink Don't aim to be an earthly saint 52768How nice, 'twould be, gee whiz! With eyes fixed on a star: 52769If a feller was de feller Just try to be the fellow that 52770Dat his mudder t'inks he is." Your mother thinks you are. 52771 -- Will S. Adkin, "If I Only Was the Fellow" 52772% 52773While we are sleeping, two-thirds of the world is plotting to do us in. 52774 -- Dean Rusk 52775% 52776While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's 52777still very reassuring to know that it's still there. 52778% 52779While you recently had your problems on the run, 52780they've regrouped and are making another attack. 52781% 52782While your friend holds you affectionately by both 52783your hands you are safe, for you can watch both of his. 52784% 52785Whip it, whip it good! 52786% 52787Whistler's Law: 52788 You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge. 52789% 52790Whistler's mother is off her rocker. 52791% 52792White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship. 52793% 52794White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it 52795so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall. That way, by the 52796time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair. 52797% 52798Whitehead's Law: 52799 The obvious answer is always overlooked. 52800% 52801White's Statement: 52802 Don't lose heart! 52803 52804Owen's Commentary on White's Statement: 52805 ...they might want to cut it out... 52806 52807Byrd's Addition to Owen's Commentary: 52808 ...and they want to avoid a lengthy search. 52809% 52810Who are you? 52811% 52812Who can take the demands of the SDS seriously? 52813 -- Nathan Pusey 52814% 52815Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with 52816our new Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process... 52817% 52818Who dat who say "who dat" when I say "who dat"? 52819 -- Hattie McDaniel 52820% 52821Who does not love wine, women, and song, 52822Remains a fool his whole life long. 52823 -- Johann Heinrich Voss 52824% 52825Who does not trust enough will not be trusted. 52826 -- Lao Tsu 52827% 52828Who goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing. 52829 -- Thomas Tusser 52830% 52831Who is D.B. Cooper, and where is he now? 52832% 52833Who is John Galt? 52834% 52835Who is W.O. Baker, and why is he saying those terrible things about me? 52836% 52837Who loves me will also love my dog. 52838 -- John Donne 52839% 52840Who loves not wisely but too well 52841Will look on Helen's face in hell, 52842But he whose love is thin and wise 52843Will view John Knox in Paradise. 52844 -- Dorothy Parker 52845% 52846Who made the world I cannot tell; 52847'Tis made, and here am I in hell. 52848My hand, though now my knuckles bleed, 52849I never soiled with such a deed. 52850 -- A.E. Housman 52851% 52852Who needs companionship when you 52853can sit alone in your room and drink? 52854% 52855Who on earth would eat a charred caterpillar!? 52856No, no, you SINGE 'em! You SINGE 'em and eat 'em! 52857% 52858Who the hell wants to hear actors talk? 52859 -- Harry Warner, Warner Bros. Pictures, c. 1927 52860% 52861Who to himself is law no law doth need, 52862offends no law, and is a king indeed. 52863 -- George Chapman 52864% 52865Who took the MMMMMM out of MURINE? 52866% 52867Who was that masked man? 52868% 52869Who will take care of the world after you're gone? 52870% 52871"WHOA!! Ken and Barbie are having TOO MUCH FUN!! 52872It must be the NEGATIVE IONS!!" 52873 -- Zippy the Pinhead 52874% 52875Whoever dies with the most toys wins. 52876% 52877Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not 52878become a monster. And when you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks 52879into you. 52880 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 52881% 52882Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not 52883become a monster. And when you look long into an abyss, the abyss also 52884looks into you. 52885 -- Nietzsche 52886% 52887Whoever named it "necking" was a poor judge of anatomy. 52888 -- Groucho Marx 52889% 52890Whoever tells a lie cannot be pure in heart -- and only the 52891pure in heart can make a good soup. 52892 -- Ludwig Van Beethoven 52893% 52894Whoever would lie usefully should lie seldom. 52895% 52896Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive insane. 52897% 52898Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods. 52899 -- Bernard Levin 52900% 52901Who's on first? 52902% 52903Who's scruffy-looking? 52904 -- Han Solo 52905% 52906Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people. 52907Why a man would want *two* wives is a bigamystery. 52908% 52909Why am I so soft in the middle when the rest of my life is so hard? 52910 -- Paul Simon 52911% 52912Why are programmers non-productive? 52913Because their time is wasted in meetings. 52914 52915Why are programmers rebellious? 52916Because the management interferes too much. 52917 52918Why are the programmers resigning one by one? 52919Because they are burnt out. 52920 52921Having worked for poor management, they no longer value their jobs. 52922 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 52923% 52924Why are you so hard to ignore? 52925% 52926Why are you watching 52927The washing machine? 52928I love entertainment 52929So long as it's clean. 52930 52931Professor Doberman: 52932 While the preceding poem is unarguably a change from the guarded 52933pessimism of "The Hound of Heaven," it cannot be regarded as an unqualified 52934improvement. Obscurity is of value only when it tends to clarify the poetic 52935experience. As much as one is compelled to admire the poem's technique, one 52936must question whether its byplay of complex literary allusions does not in 52937fact distract from the unity of the whole. In the final analysis, one 52938receives the distinct impression that the poem's length could safely have 52939been reduced by a factor of eight or ten without sacrificing any of its 52940meaning. It is to be hoped that further publication of this poem can be 52941suspended pending a thorough investigation of its potential subversive 52942implications. 52943% 52944Why attack God? He may be as miserable as we are. 52945 -- Erik Satie 52946% 52947Why be a man when you can be a success? 52948 -- Bertolt Brecht 52949% 52950Why be difficult when, with a bit of effort, you could be impossible? 52951% 52952Why be difficult, when, with just a little effort, you can be impossible? 52953% 52954Why be difficult, when, with just a 52955little more effort, you can be impossible? 52956% 52957Why bother building anymore nuclear 52958warheads until we use the ones we have? 52959% 52960Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of 52961movement unless it was to avoid responsibility with? 52962% 52963Why did the Roman Empire collapse? 52964What's the Latin for office automation? 52965% 52966Why do mathematicians insist on using words that already have another 52967meaning? "It is the complex case that is easier to deal with." "If it 52968doesn't happen at a corner, but at an edge, it nonetheless happens at a 52969corner." 52970% 52971Why do seagulls live near the sea? 52972'Cause if they lived near the bay, they'd be called baygulls. 52973% 52974Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic? 52975It's quite uncanny. 52976% 52977Why do they call a fast a fast, when it goes so slow? 52978% 52979Why do they call it baby-SITTING when all you do is run after them? 52980% 52981Why do we want intelligent terminals 52982when there are so many stupid users? 52983% 52984Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away? 52985 -- Carl Sandburg 52986% 52987Why does a ship carry cargo and a truck carry shipments? 52988% 52989Why does man kill? He kills for food. 52990And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. 52991 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 52992% 52993Why doesn't everybody leave everybody else the hell alone? 52994 -- Jimmy Durante 52995% 52996Why don't somebody print the truth about our present economic condition? 52997We spent years of wild buying on credit, everything under the sun, whether 52998we needed it or not, and now we are having to pay for it, howling like a 52999pet coon. This would be a great world to dance in if we didn't have to 53000pay the fiddler. 53001 -- The Best of Will Rogers 53002% 53003Why don't you fix your little problem... and light this candle? 53004 -- Alan Shepherd, the first man into space, Gemini program 53005% 53006Why, every one as they like; as the good woman said when she 53007kissed her cow. 53008 -- Rabelais 53009% 53010Why I Can't Go Out With You: 53011 53012I'd LOVE to, but... 53013 -- I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters. 53014 -- None of my socks match. 53015 -- I'm having all my plants neutered. 53016 -- I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out. 53017 -- My yucca plant is feeling yucky. 53018 -- I'm touring China with a wok band. 53019 -- My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night. 53020 -- I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student 53021 named Basil Metabolism. 53022 -- There are important world issues that need worrying about. 53023 -- I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush. 53024 -- I prefer to remain an enigma. 53025 -- I think you want the OTHER Peggy/Cathy/Mike/whomever. 53026 -- I feel a song coming on. 53027% 53028Why I Can't Go Out With You: 53029 53030I'd LOVE to, but... 53031 -- I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship. 53032 -- I have to sit up with a sick ant. 53033 -- I'm trying to be less popular. 53034 -- My bathroom tiles need grouting. 53035 -- I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner. 53036 -- My subconscious says no. 53037 -- I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I 53038 can't seem to put it down. 53039 -- My favorite commercial is on TV. 53040 -- I have to study for my blood test. 53041 -- I've been traded to Cincinnati. 53042 -- I'm having my baby shoes bronzed. 53043 -- I have to go to court for kitty littering. 53044% 53045Why I Can't Go Out With You: 53046 53047I'd LOVE to, but... 53048 -- I have to floss my cat. 53049 -- I've dedicated my life to linguini. 53050 -- I need to spend more time with my blender. 53051 -- It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People. 53052 -- It's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish/radio. 53053 -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves. 53054 -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products. 53055 -- I'm due at the bakery to watch the buns rise. 53056 -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist. 53057 -- I have some really hard words to look up. 53058% 53059Why I Can't Go Out With You: 53060 53061I'd LOVE to, but... 53062 -- I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes. 53063 -- I'm attending the opening of my garage door. 53064 -- The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots. 53065 -- I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian. 53066 -- I have to fulfill my potential. 53067 -- I don't want to leave my comfort zone. 53068 -- It's too close to the turn of the century. 53069 -- I have to bleach my hare. 53070 -- I'm worried about my vertical hold knob. 53071 -- I left my body in my other clothes. 53072% 53073Why I Can't Go Out With You: 53074 53075I'd LOVE to, but... 53076 -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting. 53077 -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps. 53078 -- I've been scheduled for a karma transplant. 53079 -- I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture. 53080 -- It's my parakeet's bowling night. 53081 -- I'm building a plant from a kit. 53082 -- There's a disturbance in the Force. 53083 -- I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling. 53084 -- I'm teaching my ferret to yodel. 53085 -- My crayons all melted together. 53086% 53087Why is it called a funny bone when it hurts so much? 53088% 53089Why is it taking so long for her to bring out all the good in you? 53090% 53091Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? 53092It is because we are not the person involved. 53093 -- Mark Twain 53094% 53095Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? 53096 -- Stephen Wright 53097% 53098Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet? 53099 -- Lily Tomlin 53100% 53101Why isn't there some cheap and easy 53102way to prove how much she means to me? 53103% 53104Why my thoughts are my own, when they are in, but when they are out they 53105are another's. 53106 -- Susanna Martin, executed for witchcraft, 1681 53107% 53108Why not? -- What? -- Why not? -- Why should I not send it? -- Why should I 53109not dispatch it? -- Why not? -- Strange! I don't know why I shouldn't -- 53110Well, then -- You will do me this favor. -- Why not? -- Why should you not 53111do it? -- Why not? -- Strange! I shall do the same for you, when you want 53112me to. Why not? Why should I not do it for you? Strange! Why not? -- 53113I can't think why not. 53114 -- Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, from a letter to his cousin Maria, 53115 "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele 53116% 53117Why not go out on a limb? 53118Isn't that where the fruit is? 53119% 53120Why on earth do people buy old bottles of wine when they can get a 53121fresh one for a quarter of the price? 53122% 53123Why was I born with such contemporaries? 53124 -- Oscar Wilde 53125% 53126Why, when no honest man will deny in private that every ultimate problem is 53127wrapped in the profoundest mystery, do honest men proclaim in pulpits that 53128unhesitating certainty is the duty of the most foolish and ignorant? Is it 53129not a spectacle to make the angels laugh? We are a company of ignorant 53130beings, feeling our way through mists and darkness, learning only be 53131incessantly repeated blunders, obtaining a glimmering of truth by falling 53132into every conceivable error, dimly discerning light enough for our daily 53133needs, but hopelessly differing whenever we attempt to describe the ultimate 53134origin or end of our paths; and yet, when one of us ventures to declare that 53135we don't know the map of the universe as well as the map of our infintesimal 53136parish, he is hooted, reviled, and perhaps told that he will be damned to all 53137eternity for his faithlessness. 53138 -- Leslie Stephen, "An Agnostic's Apology", 53139 Fortnightly Review, 1876 53140% 53141Why won't you let me kiss you goodnight? Is it something I said? 53142 -- Tom Ryan 53143% 53144Why would anyone want to be called "Later"? 53145% 53146Why you say you no bunny rabbit when you have little powder-puff tail? 53147 -- The Tasmanian Devil 53148% 53149Wiker's Law: 53150 Government expands to absorb all 53151 available revenue and then some. 53152% 53153Wilcox's Law: 53154 A pat on the back is only a few 53155 centimeters from a kick in the pants. 53156% 53157Will Rogers never met you. 53158% 53159Will you loan me $20.00 and only give me ten of it? 53160That way, you will owe me ten, and I'll owe you ten, and we'll be even! 53161% 53162Will your long-winded speeches never end? 53163What ails you that you keep on arguing? 53164 -- Job 16:3 53165% 53166William Safire's Rules for Writers: 53167 Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice 53168should never be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. 53169Verbs have to agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if 53170you words out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a 53171great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A 53172writer must not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence 53173with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word 53174to end a sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place 53175pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 53176or more words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling 53177participles must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a 53178sentence, a linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid 53179mixing metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone 53180should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in 53181their writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always 53182follows the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; 53183seek viable alternatives. 53184% 53185Williams and Holland's Law: 53186 If enough data is collected, 53187 anything may be proven by statistical methods. 53188% 53189Willie in the cauldron fell; Willie saw some dynamite, 53190See the grief on mother's brow; Couldn't understand it quite; 53191Mother loved her darling well -- Curiosity never pays: 53192Willie's quite hard-boiled by now. It rained Willie seven days. 53193 53194Little Willie with a shout, William in a nice new sash, 53195Gouged the baby's eyeballs out; Fell in the fire and burned to an ash. 53196Stamped on them to make them pop. Now, although the room grows chilly, 53197Mother cried, "Now, William, stop!" I haven't the heart to poke poor Billy. 53198 53199William with a thirst for gore, Little Willie mean as hell, 53200Nailed the baby to the door. Threw his sister in the well! 53201Mother said, with humor quaint: Said his mother when drawing water, 53202"Careful, Will, don't mar the paint." 'sure is hard to raise a daughter.' 53203 -- Harry Graham, "Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes", 1899 53204% 53205Wilner's Observation: 53206 All conversations with a potato should be conducted in private. 53207% 53208Winning isn't everything. It's the only thing. 53209 -- Vince Lombardi 53210% 53211Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything. 53212% 53213Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... 53214If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your 53215head... if you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick... 53216 -- Stephen Wright 53217% 53218Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours." 53219 -- Robert Byrne 53220% 53221Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house 53222as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat. 53223% 53224[Wisdom] is a tree of life to those laying 53225hold of her, making happy each one holding her fast. 53226 -- Proverbs 3:18, NSV 53227% 53228Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know. 53229 -- J. Winter Smith 53230% 53231Wisdom is rarely found on the best-seller list. 53232% 53233Wishing without work is like fishing without bait. 53234 -- Frank Tyger 53235% 53236WIT: 53237 The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery... 53238 by leaving it out. 53239% 53240With a rubber duck, one's never alone. 53241% 53242With all the fancy scientists in the world, 53243why can't they just once build a nuclear balm. 53244% 53245With all the talent around, it's sort of 53246amazing that a woman could be up here with us. 53247 -- Ralph Kiner, on introducing an award winner 53248% 53249With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best. 53250% 53251With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time 53252they make a law it's a joke. 53253 -- W. Rogers 53254% 53255With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand 53256miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, 53257and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there 53258is no such thing as progress. 53259 -- Ransom K. Ferm 53260% 53261With her body, woman is more sincere than man; but with her mind 53262she lies. And when she lies, she does not believe herself. 53263 -- Tolstoy 53264% 53265With listening comes wisdom, with speaking repentance. 53266% 53267With reasonable men I will reason; 53268with humane men I will plead; 53269but to tyrants I will give no quarter. 53270 -- William Lloyd Garrison 53271% 53272With the end of the football season, a star player for the college team 53273celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late-night campus 53274party. Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful coed and 53275eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at 53276parties. 53277 "Oh, I have a three point eight, so I'm much more attracted to the 53278strong academic types than to the dumb party animals," she said. "What's 53279your G.P.A.?" 53280 Grinning ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about twenty-five in 53281the city and forty on the highway." 53282% 53283With the end of the football season, a star player on the college team was 53284celebrating the relaxation of his curfew by attending a late-night campus 53285party. Soon after arriving, he was captivated by a beautiful coed and 53286eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at 53287parties. 53288 "Oh, I have a three point eight, so I'm much more attracted to the 53289strong academic types than to the dumb party animals," she said. "What's 53290you G.P.A.?" 53291 Grinning from ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get at least 53292twenty-five in the city and forty on the highway!" 53293% 53294With women, I've got a long bamboo pole with a leather loop on the end of 53295it. I slip the loop around their necks so they can't get away or come too 53296close. Like catching snakes. 53297 -- Marlon Brando 53298% 53299Within a computer, natural language is unnatural. 53300% 53301Within a month [in 1969] I had met the first of a small but not uninfluential 53302community of people who violently opposed SALT for a simple reason: It might 53303keep America from developing a first-strike capability against the Soviet 53304Union. I'll never forget being lectured by an Air Force colonel about how 53305we should have "nuked" the Soviets in late 1940s before they got The Bomb. 53306I was told that if SALT would go away, we'd soon have the capability to nuke 53307them again -- and this time we'd use it. 53308 -- Roger Molander, former nuclear strategist for the 53309 White House's National Security Council, Washington 53310 Post, 21 March, 1982 53311% 53312Without adventure, civilization is in full decay. 53313 -- Alfred North Whitehead 53314% 53315Without coffee he could not work, or at least he could not have worked in the 53316way he did. In addition to paper and pens, he took with him everywhere as an 53317indispensable article of equipment the coffee machine, which was no less 53318important to him than his table or his white robe. 53319 -- Stefan Zweigs, Biography of Balzac 53320% 53321Without fools there would be no wisdom. 53322% 53323Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless. 53324% 53325Without life, Biology itself would be impossible. 53326% 53327Without love intelligence is dangerous; 53328without intelligence love is not enough. 53329 -- Ashley Montagu 53330% 53331With/Without - and who'll deny it's what the fighting's all about? 53332 -- Pink Floyd 53333% 53334Woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer, 53335Yeah, Ah woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer 53336The future's uncertain and the end is always near. 53337 -- Jim Morrison, "Roadhouse Blues" 53338% 53339Woke up this morning, don't believe what I saw. Hundred billion 53340bottles washed up on the shore. Seems I never noted being alone. 53341Hundred billion castaways looking for a call. 53342% 53343WOLF: 53344 A man who knows all the ankles. 53345% 53346WOMAN: 53347 An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and 53348 having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication. 53349 -- Bierce 53350% 53351Woman: "Is Yoo-Hoo hyphenated?" 53352Yogi Berra: "No, ma'am, its not even carbonated." 53353% 53354Woman are like elephants to me: I like to look at them, but I wouldn't 53355want to own one. 53356 -- W.C. Fields 53357% 53358Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. 53359 -- Dumas 53360% 53361Woman is generally so bad that the difference 53362between a good and a bad woman scarcely exists. 53363 -- Tolstoy 53364% 53365Woman on Street: Sir, you are drunk; very, very drunk. 53366Winston Churchill: Madame, you are ugly; very, very ugly. 53367 I shall be sober in the morning. 53368% 53369Woman was God's second mistake. 53370 -- Nietzsche 53371% 53372Woman was taken out of man -- not out of his head, to rule over him; nor 53373out of his feet, to be trampled under by him; but out of his side, to be 53374equal to him -- under his arm, that he might protect her, and near his heart 53375that he might love her. 53376 -- Henry 53377% 53378Woman would be more charming if one could 53379fall into her arms without falling into her hands. 53380 -- DeGourmont 53381% 53382Woman's advice has little value, but he who won't take it is a fool. 53383 -- Cervantes 53384% 53385Women are a problem, but if you haven't already guessed, 53386they're the kind of problem I enjoy wrestling with. 53387 -- Warren Beatty 53388% 53389Women are all alike. When they're maids they're mild as milk: 53390once make 'em wives, and they lean their backs against their 53391marriage certificates, and defy you. 53392 -- Jerrold 53393% 53394Women are always anxious to urge bachelors to matrimony; is it 53395from charity, or revenge? 53396 -- Gustave Vapereau 53397% 53398Women are just like men, only different. 53399% 53400Women are like elephants to me: I like to 53401look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one. 53402 -- W.C. Fields 53403% 53404Women are not much, but they are the best other sex we have. 53405 -- Herold 53406% 53407Women are nothing but machines for producing children. 53408 -- Napoleon 53409% 53410Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more. 53411 -- Stephens 53412% 53413Women aren't as mere as they used to be. 53414 -- Pogo 53415% 53416Women can keep a secret just as well as men, 53417but it takes more of them to do it. 53418% 53419Women complain about sex more than men. Their gripes fall into two 53420categories: (1) Not enough and (2) Too much. 53421 -- Ann Landers 53422% 53423Women, deceived by men, want to marry them; it is a kind of revenge 53424as good as any other. 53425 -- Philippe De Remi 53426% 53427Women give themselves to God when the 53428Devil wants nothing more to do with them. 53429 -- Arnould 53430% 53431Women give to men the very gold of their lives. Possibly; 53432but they invariably want it back in such very small change. 53433 -- Wilde 53434% 53435Women in love consist of a little sighing, a little 53436crying, a little dying -- and a good deal of lying. 53437 -- Ansey 53438% 53439Women of genius commonly have masculine faces, figures and manners. 53440In transplanting brains to an alien soil God leaves a little of the 53441original earth clinging to the roots. 53442 -- Bierce 53443% 53444Women reason with the heart and are much less often wrong 53445than men who reason with the head. 53446 -- DeLescure 53447% 53448Women sometimes forgive a man who forces the opportunity, 53449but never a man who misses one. 53450 -- Charles De Talleyrand-Perigord 53451% 53452Women treat us just as humanity treats its gods. They worship 53453us and are always bothering us to do something for them. 53454 -- Wilde 53455% 53456Women want their men to be cops. They want you to punish them and tell 53457them what the limits are. The only thing that women hate worse from a man 53458than being slapped is when you get on your knees and say you're sorry. 53459 -- Mort Sahl 53460% 53461Women waste men's lives and think they have 53462indemnified them by a few gracious words. 53463 -- Balzac 53464% 53465Women, when they are not in love, have all 53466the cold blood of an experienced attorney. 53467 -- Balzac 53468% 53469Women, when they have made a sheep of a man, 53470always tell him that he is a lion with a will of iron. 53471 -- Balzac 53472% 53473Women who desire to be like men, lack ambition. 53474% 53475Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination. 53476% 53477Women wish to be loved without a why or a wherefore; 53478not because they are pretty, or good, or well-bred, or 53479graceful, or intelligent, but because they are themselves. 53480 -- Amiel 53481% 53482Women's Libbers are OK, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one. 53483% 53484Women's virtue is man's greatest invention. 53485 -- Cornelia Otis Skinner 53486% 53487Wonder is the feeling of a philosopher, 53488and philosophy begins in wonder. 53489 Socrates, quoting Plato 53490% 53491Wonderful day. 53492Your hangover just makes it seem terrible. 53493% 53494Woodward's Law: 53495 A theory is better than its explanation. 53496% 53497Woody: What's the story, Mr. Peterson? 53498Norm: The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. 53499 Let's just cut to the happy ending. 53500 -- Cheers, Airport V 53501 53502Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you. 53503Norm: I know, and if she calls, I'm not here. 53504 -- Cheers, Bar Wars II: The Woodman Strikes Back 53505 53506Sam: Beer, Norm? 53507Norm: Have I gotten that predictable? Good. 53508 -- Cheers, Don't Paint Your Chickens 53509% 53510Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose? 53511Norm: Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh? 53512 -- Cheers, Feeble Attraction 53513 53514Sam: What are you up to Norm? 53515Norm: My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall. 53516 -- Cheers, Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh 53517 53518Woody: Nice cold beer coming up, Mr. Peterson. 53519Norm: You mean, `Nice cold beer going *down* Mr. Peterson.' 53520 -- Cheers, Loverboyd 53521% 53522Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what do you say to a cold one? 53523Norm: See you later, Vera, I'll be at Cheers. 53524 -- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah 53525 53526Sam: Well, look at you. You look like the cat that 53527 swallowed the canary. 53528Norm: And I need a beer to wash him down. 53529 -- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah 53530 53531Woody: Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson? 53532Norm: No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass. 53533 -- Cheers, Little Carla, Happy at Last, Part 2 53534% 53535Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's up? 53536Norm: The warranty on my liver. 53537 -- Cheers, Breaking In Is Hard to Do 53538 53539Sam: What can I do for you, Norm? 53540Norm: Open up those beer taps and, oh, take the day off, Sam. 53541 -- Cheers, Veggie-Boyd 53542 53543Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson? 53544Norm: Another layer for the winter, Wood. 53545 -- Cheers, It's a Wonderful Wife 53546% 53547Woody: How are you feeling today, Mr. Peterson? 53548Norm: Poor. 53549Woody: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. 53550Norm: No, I meant `pour'. 53551 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 3 53552 53553Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's the story? 53554Norm: Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy gets another beer. 53555 -- Cheers, The Proposal 53556 53557Paul: Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you? 53558Norm: Like a baby treats a diaper. 53559 -- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash 53560% 53561Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson? 53562Norm: Let's talk about what's going *in* Mr. Peterson. A beer, Woody. 53563 -- Cheers, Paint Your Office 53564 53565Sam: How's life treating you? 53566Norm: It's not, Sammy, but that doesn't mean you can't. 53567 -- Cheers, A Kiss is Still a Kiss 53568 53569Woody: Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson? 53570Norm: A little early, isn't it Woody? 53571Woody: For a beer? 53572Norm: No, for stupid questions. 53573 -- Cheers, Let Sleeping Drakes Lie 53574% 53575Woody: What's happening, Mr. Peterson? 53576Norm: The question is, Woody, why is it happening to me? 53577 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 1 53578 53579Woody: What's going down, Mr. Peterson? 53580Norm: My cheeks on this barstool. 53581 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2 53582 53583Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, can I pour you a beer? 53584Norm: Well, okay, Woody, but be sure to stop me at one. ... 53585 Eh, make that one-thirty. 53586 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2 53587% 53588Woolsey-Swanson Rule: 53589 People would rather live with a problem they cannot 53590 solve rather than accept a solution they cannot understand. 53591% 53592Words are the voice of the heart. 53593% 53594Words can never express what words can never express. 53595% 53596Words have a longer life than deeds. 53597 -- Pindar 53598% 53599Words must be weighed, not counted. 53600% 53601WORK: 53602 The blessed respite from screaming kids and 53603 soap operas for which you actually get paid. 53604% 53605Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. 53606Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do. 53607 -- Mark Twain 53608% 53609Work continues in this area. 53610 -- DEC's SPR-Answering-Automaton 53611% 53612Work expands to fill the time available. 53613 -- Cyril Northcote Parkinson, "The Economist", 1955 53614% 53615Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near 53616the earth's surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people 53617to do so. 53618 -- Bertrand Russell 53619% 53620Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life. 53621 -- Schulz 53622% 53623Work is the curse of the drinking classes. 53624 -- Mike Romanoff 53625% 53626Work like hell, tell everyone everything you know, close a deal with 53627a handshake, and have fun. 53628 -- Harold "Doc" Edgerton, summing up his life's philosophy, 53629 shortly before dying at the age of 86. 53630% 53631Work smarter, not harder, and be careful of your speling. 53632% 53633Work without a vision is slavery, 53634Vision without work is a pipe dream, 53635But vision with work is the hope of the world. 53636% 53637Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with 53638a valentine. 53639 -- Christopher Plummer 53640% 53641World tensions have, if anything, increased in the quarter century 53642since H.G. Wells uttered his glum warning: "There is no more evil 53643thing on earth than race prejudice, none at all. I write deliberately 53644-- it is the worst single thing in life now. It justifies and holds 53645together more baseness, cruelty and abomination than any other sort of 53646error in the world." 53647 -- Sydney Harris 53648% 53649Worrying is like rocking in a rocking chair-- 53650It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere. 53651% 53652Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing: 53653 August. The lift lines are the shortest, though. 53654 -- Steve Rubenstein 53655% 53656Worst Month of the Year: 53657 February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if 53658 you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you 53659 don't get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible. 53660 -- Steve Rubenstein 53661% 53662Worst Vegetable of the Year: 53663 Brussel sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year. 53664 -- Steve Rubenstein 53665% 53666Worth seeing? 53667Yes, but not worth going to see. 53668% 53669Worthless. 53670 -- Sir George Bidell Airy, KCB, MA, LLD, DCL, FRS, FRAS 53671 (Astronomer Royal of Great Britain), estimating for the 53672 Chancellor of the Exchequer the potential value of the 53673 "analytical engine" invented by Charles Babbage, September 53674 15, 1842. 53675% 53676WOTD: 53677 53678 ` 53679 53680% 53681Would it help if I got out and pushed? 53682 -- Princess Leia Organa 53683% 53684Would that my hand were as swift as my tongue. 53685 -- Alfieri 53686% 53687Would the last person to leave Michigan please turn out the lights? 53688% 53689Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake? 53690 -- John Heywood 53691% 53692Would you care to drift aimlessly in my direction? 53693% 53694Would you care to view the ruins of my good intentions? 53695% 53696Would you like to be tried in court by people 53697who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty? 53698% 53699Would you people stop playing these stupid games?!?!?!!!! 53700% 53701Would you please have another look at my nose and put in that cocaine 53702stuff.... 53703 -- Adolf Hitler, quoted by Dr. Giesing in Nuremberg trial 53704 testimony, 1947 53705% 53706Would you *really* want to get on a non-stop flight? 53707 -- George Carlin 53708% 53709"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?" 53710"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat. 53711 -- Lewis Carrol 53712% 53713Wouldn't this be a great world if being insecure and desperate were 53714a turn-on? 53715 -- "Broadcast News" 53716% 53717Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been. 53718 -- Mark Twain 53719% 53720Write a wise saying and your name will live forever. 53721 -- Anonymous 53722% 53723Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply. 53724% 53725WRITE-PROTECT TAB: 53726 A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly 53727 left by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error 53728 message once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs 53729 the momentary inconvenience. 53730 -- Robb Russon 53731% 53732write-protect tab, n: 53733 A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly left 53734 by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error message 53735 once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the momentary 53736 inconvenience. 53737 -- Robb Russon 53738% 53739Writers who use a computer swear to its liberating power in tones that bear 53740witness to the apocalyptic power of a new divinity. Their conviction results 53741from something deeper than mere gratitude for the computer's conveniences. 53742Every new medium of writing brings about new intensities of religious belief 53743and new schisms among believers. In the 16th century the printed book helped 53744make possible the split between Catholics and Protestants. In the 20th 53745century this history of tragedy and triumph is repeating itself as a farce. 53746Those who worship the Apple computer and those who put their faith in the IBM 53747PC are equally convinced that the other camp is damned or deluded. Each cult 53748holds in contempt the rituals and the laws of the other. Each thinks that it 53749is itself the one hope for salvation. 53750 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988 53751% 53752Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down. 53753% 53754Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at the blank sheet of 53755paper until drops of blood form on your forehead. 53756 -- Gene Fowler 53757% 53758Writing is turning one's worst moments into money. 53759 -- J.P. Donleavy 53760% 53761Writing software is more fun than working. 53762% 53763WRONG! 53764% 53765WYSIWYG: 53766 What You See Is What You Get. 53767% 53768X windows: 53769 Accept any substitute. 53770 If it's broke, don't fix it. 53771 If it ain't broke, fix it. 53772 Form follows malfunction. 53773 The Cutting Edge of Obsolescence. 53774 The trailing edge of software technology. 53775 Armageddon never looked so good. 53776 Japan's secret weapon. 53777 You'll envy the dead. 53778 Making the world safe for competing window systems. 53779 Let it get in YOUR way. 53780 The problem for your problem. 53781 If it starts working, we'll fix it. Pronto. 53782 It could be worse, but it'll take time. 53783 Simplicity made complex. 53784 The greatest productivity aid since typhoid. 53785 Flakey and built to stay that way. 53786 53787One thousand monkeys. One thousand MicroVAXes. One thousand years. 53788 X windows. 53789% 53790X windows: 53791 It's not how slow you make it. It's how you make it slow. 53792 The windowing system preferred by masochists 3 to 1. 53793 Built to take on the world... and lose! 53794 Don't try it 'til you've knocked it. 53795 Power tools for Power Fools. 53796 Putting new limits on productivity. 53797 The closer you look, the cruftier we look. 53798 Design by counterexample. 53799 A new level of software disintegration. 53800 No hardware is safe. 53801 Do your time. 53802 Rationalization, not realization. 53803 Old-world software cruftsmanship at its finest. 53804 Gratuitous incompatibility. 53805 Your mother. 53806 THE user interference management system. 53807 You can't argue with failure. 53808 You haven't died 'til you've used it. 53809 53810The environment of today... tomorrow! 53811 X windows. 53812% 53813X windows: 53814 Something you can be ashamed of. 53815 30%% more entropy than the leading window system. 53816 The first fully modular software disaster. 53817 Rome was destroyed in a day. 53818 Warn your friends about it. 53819 Climbing to new depths. Sinking to new heights. 53820 An accident that couldn't wait to happen. 53821 Don't wait for the movie. 53822 Never use it after a big meal. 53823 Need we say less? 53824 Plumbing the depths of human incompetence. 53825 It'll make your day. 53826 Don't get frustrated without it. 53827 Power tools for power losers. 53828 A software disaster of Biblical proportions. 53829 Never had it. Never will. 53830 The software with no visible means of support. 53831 More than just a generation behind. 53832 53833Hindenburg. Titanic. Edsel. 53834 X windows. 53835% 53836X windows: 53837 The ultimate bottleneck. 53838 Flawed beyond belief. 53839 The only thing you have to fear. 53840 Somewhere between chaos and insanity. 53841 On autopilot to oblivion. 53842 The joke that kills. 53843 A disgrace you can be proud of. 53844 A mistake carried out to perfection. 53845 Belongs more to the problem set than the solution set. 53846 To err is X windows. 53847 Ignorance is our most important resource. 53848 Complex nonsolutions to simple nonproblems. 53849 Built to fall apart. 53850 Nullifying centuries of progress. 53851 Falling to new depths of inefficiency. 53852 The last thing you need. 53853 The defacto substandard. 53854 53855Elevating brain damage to an art form. 53856 X windows. 53857% 53858X windows: 53859 We will dump no core before its time. 53860 One good crash deserves another. 53861 A bad idea whose time has come. And gone. 53862 We make excuses. 53863 It didn't even look good on paper. 53864 You laugh now, but you'll be laughing harder later! 53865 A new concept in abuser interfaces. 53866 How can something get so bad, so quickly? 53867 It could happen to you. 53868 The art of incompetence. 53869 You have nothing to lose but your lunch. 53870 When uselessness just isn't enough. 53871 More than a mere hindrance. It's a whole new barrier! 53872 When you can't afford to be right. 53873 And you thought we couldn't make it worse. 53874 53875If it works, it isn't X windows. 53876% 53877X windows: 53878 You'd better sit down. 53879 Don't laugh. It could be YOUR thesis project. 53880 Why do it right when you can do it wrong? 53881 Live the nightmare. 53882 Our bugs run faster. 53883 When it absolutely, positively HAS to crash overnight. 53884 There ARE no rules. 53885 You'll wish we were kidding. 53886 Everything you never wanted in a window system. And more. 53887 Dissatisfaction guaranteed. 53888 There's got to be a better way. 53889 The next best thing to keypunching. 53890 Leave the thrashing to us. 53891 We wrote the book on core dumps. 53892 Even your dog won't like it. 53893 More than enough rope. 53894 Garbage at your fingertips. 53895 53896Incompatibility. Shoddiness. Uselessness. 53897 X windows. 53898% 53899Xerox does it again and again and again and... 53900% 53901Xerox never comes up with anything original. 53902% 53903XEROX never does anything original. 53904% 53905XI: 53906 If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would 53907 get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty 53908 times as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all 53909 the managers would fly off. 53910XII: 53911 It costs a lot to build bad products. 53912XIII: 53913 There are many highly successful businesses in the United States. 53914 There are also many highly paid executives. The policy is not to 53915 intermingle the two. 53916XIV: 53917 After the year 2015, there will be no airplane crashes. There will 53918 be no takeoffs either, because electronics will occupy 100 percent 53919 of every airplane's weight. 53920XV: 53921 The last 10 percent of performance generates one-third of the cost 53922 and two-thirds of the problems. 53923 -- Norman Augustine 53924% 53925XLI: 53926 The more one produces, the less one gets. 53927XLII: 53928 Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite testing. 53929XLIII: 53930 Hardware works best when it matters the least. 53931XLIV: 53932 Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a westerly 53933 direction, preferably supersonic, crossing time zones to provide the 53934 additional hours needed to fix the broken electronics. 53935XLV: 53936 One should expect that the expected can be prevented, but the 53937 unexpected should have been expected. 53938XLVI: 53939 A billion saved is a billion earned. 53940 -- Norman Augustine 53941% 53942XLVII: 53943 Two-thirds of the Earth's surface is covered with water. The other 53944 third is covered with auditors from headquarters. 53945XLVIII: 53946 The more time you spend talking about what you have been doing, the 53947 less time you have to spend doing what you have been talking about. 53948 Eventually, you spend more and more time talking about less and less 53949 until finally you spend all your time talking about nothing. 53950XLIX: 53951 Regulations grow at the same rate as weeds. 53952L: 53953 The average regulation has a life span one-fifth as long as a 53954 chimpanzee's and one-tenth as long as a human's -- but four times 53955 as long as the official's who created it. 53956LI: 53957 By the time of the United States Tricentennial, there will be more 53958 government workers than there are workers. 53959LII: 53960 People working in the private sector should try to save money. 53961 There remains the possibility that it may someday be valuable again. 53962 -- Norman Augustine 53963% 53964X-rated movies are all alike -- the only thing 53965they leave to the imagination is the plot. 53966% 53967XVI: 53968 In the year 2054, the entire defense budget will purchase just one 53969 aircraft. This aircraft will have to be shared by the Air Force and 53970 Navy 3-1/2 days each per week except for leap year, when it will be 53971 made available to the Marines for the extra day. 53972XVII: 53973 Software is like entropy. It is difficult to grasp, weighs nothing, 53974 and obeys the Second Law of Thermodynamics, i.e., it always increases. 53975XVIII: 53976 It is very expensive to achieve high unreliability. It is not uncommon 53977 to increase the cost of an item by a factor of ten for each factor of 53978 ten degradation accomplished. 53979XIX: 53980 Although most products will soon be too costly to purchase, there will 53981 be a thriving market in the sale of books on how to fix them. 53982XX: 53983 In any given year, Congress will appropriate the amount of funding 53984 approved the prior year plus three-fourths of whatever change the 53985 administration requests -- minus 4-percent tax. 53986 -- Norman Augustine 53987% 53988XXI: 53989 It's easy to get a loan unless you need it. 53990XXII: 53991 If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock, 53992 not selling advice. 53993XXIII: 53994 Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is 53995 currently estimated. 53996XXIV: 53997 The only thing more costly than stretching the schedule of an 53998 established project is accelerating it, which is itself the most 53999 costly action known to man. 54000XXV: 54001 A revised schedule is to business what a new season is to an athlete 54002 or a new canvas to an artist. 54003 -- Norman Augustine 54004% 54005XXVI: 54006 If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on each 54007 other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to chance. 54008XXVII: 54009 Rank does not intimidate hardware. Neither does the lack of rank. 54010XXVIII: 54011 It is better to be the reorganizer than the reorganizee. 54012XXIX: 54013 Executives who do not produce successful results hold on to their 54014 jobs only about five years. Those who produce effective results 54015 hang on about half a decade. 54016XXX: 54017 By the time the people asking the questions are ready for the answers, 54018 the people doing the work have lost track of the questions. 54019 -- Norman Augustine 54020% 54021XXXI: 54022 The optimum committee has no members. 54023XXXII: 54024 Hiring consultants to conduct studies can be an excellent means of 54025 turning problems into gold -- your problems into their gold. 54026XXXIII: 54027 Fools rush in where incumbents fear to tread. 54028XXXIV: 54029 The process of competitively selecting contractors to perform work 54030 is based on a system of rewards and penalties, all distributed 54031 randomly. 54032XXXV: 54033 The weaker the data available upon which to base one's conclusion, 54034 the greater the precision which should be quoted in order to give 54035 the data authenticity. 54036 -- Norman Augustine 54037% 54038XXXVI: 54039 The thickness of the proposal required to win a multimillion dollar 54040 contract is about one millimeter per million dollars. If all the 54041 proposals conforming to this standard were piled on top of each other 54042 at the bottom of the Grand Canyon it would probably be a good idea. 54043XXXVII: 54044 Ninety percent of the time things will turn out worse than you expect. 54045 The other 10 percent of the time you had no right to expect so much. 54046XXXVIII: 54047 The early bird gets the worm. 54048 The early worm ... gets eaten. 54049XXXIX: 54050 Never promise to complete any project within six months of the end of 54051 the year -- in either direction. 54052XL: 54053 Most projects start out slowly -- and then sort of taper off. 54054 -- Norman Augustine 54055% 54056Ya know, Quaker Oats make you feel good twice! 54057% 54058Yacc owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have 54059goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in 54060their endless search for "one more feature". Their irritating 54061unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my 54062doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right. 54063 -- Stephen C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgements" 54064% 54065Ya'll hear about the geometer who went to the beach to catch some 54066rays and became a tangent ? 54067% 54068Yawd [noun, Bostonese]: the campus of Have Id. 54069 -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary 54070% 54071Yea from the table of my memory 54072I'll wipe away all trivial fond records. 54073 -- Hamlet 54074% 54075Yeah, God is dead, he laughed himself to death. 54076% 54077Yeah, if it looks like a duck, and walks like 54078a duck, and quacks like a duck -- shoot it. 54079% 54080Yeah, that's me, Tracer Bullet. I've got eight slugs in me. One's lead, 54081the rest bourbon. The drink packs a wallop, and I pack a revolver. I'm 54082a private eye. 54083 -- Calvin 54084% 54085Yeah, there are more important things in life than money, 54086but they won't go out with you if you don't have any. 54087% 54088YEAR: 54089 A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments. 54090% 54091Year Name James Bond Book 54092---- -------------------------------- -------------- ---- 5409350's James Bond TV Series Barry Nelson 540941962 Dr. No Sean Connery 1958 540951963 From Russia With Love Sean Connery 1957 540961964 Goldfinger Sean Connery 1959 540971965 Thunderball Sean Connery 1961 540981967* Casino Royale David Niven 1954 540991967 You Only Live Twice Sean Connery 1964 541001969 On Her Majesty's Secret Service George Lazenby 1963 541011971 Diamonds Are Forever Sean Connery 1956 541021973 Live And Let Die Roger Moore 1955 541031974 The Man With The Golden Gun Roger Moore 1965 541041977 The Spy Who Loved Me Roger Moore 1962 (novelette) 541051979 Moonraker Roger Moore 1955 541061981 For Your Eyes Only Roger Moore 1960 (novelette) 541071983 Octopussy Roger Moore 1965 541081983* Never Say Never Again Sean Connery 541091985 A View To A Kill Roger Moore 1960 (novelette) 541101987 The Living Daylights Timothy Dalton 1965 (novelette) 54111 * -- Not a Broccoli production. 54112% 54113Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache. 54114% 54115Yes, but which self do you want to be? 54116% 54117Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those 54118L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l. 54119 -- Rita Rudner 54120% 54121Yes me, I got a bottle in front of me. 54122And Jimmy has a frontal lobotomy. 54123Just different ways to kill the pain the same. 54124But I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, 54125Than to have to have a frontal lobotomy. 54126I might be drunk but at least I'm not insane. 54127 -- Randy Ansley M.D. (Dr. Rock) 54128% 54129Yes, that was Richard Nixon. He used to be President. When he left 54130the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware. 54131 -- Woody Allen, "Sleeper" 54132% 54133Yes, we will be going to OSI, Mars and, Pluto, but not necessarily in 54134that order. 54135 -- Jeffrey Honig 54136% 54137Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. 54138Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. 54139Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement. 54140 -- Snoopy 54141% 54142Yesterday upon the stair 54143I met a man who wasn't there. 54144He wasn't there again today -- 54145I think he's from the CIA. 54146% 54147Yesterday upon the stair 54148I met a man who wasn't there. 54149He wasn't there again today. 54150I think he's from the CIA. 54151% 54152Ye've also got to remember that ... respectable people do the most 54153astonishin' things to preserve their respectability. Thank God 54154I'm not respectable. 54155 -- Ruthven Campbell Todd 54156% 54157Yevtushenko has... an ego that can crack crystal at a distance of twenty 54158feet. 54159 -- John Cheever 54160% 54161Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again. 54162% 54163YINKEL: 54164 A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, 54165 hoping no one will notice. 54166 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 54167% 54168You ain't learning nothing when you're talking. 54169% 54170You always have the option of pitching baseballs at empty 54171spray paint cans in a cul-de-sac in a Cleveland suburb. 54172% 54173You are a bundle of energy, always on the go. 54174% 54175You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here. 54176% 54177You are a taxi driver. Your cab is yellow and black, and has been in 54178use for only seven years. One of its windshield wipers is broken, and 54179the carburetor needs adjusting. The tank holds 20 gallons, but at the 54180moment is only three-quarters full. How old is the taxi driver?" 54181% 54182You are a wish to be here wishing yourself. 54183 -- Philip Whalen 54184% 54185You are absolute plate-glass. I see to the very back of your mind. 54186 -- Sherlock Holmes 54187% 54188You are always busy. 54189% 54190You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk. 54191% 54192You are an insult to my intelligence! 54193I demand that you log off immediately. 54194% 54195You are as I am with You. 54196% 54197You are capable of planning your future. 54198% 54199You are confused; but this is your normal state. 54200% 54201You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances. 54202% 54203You are destined to become the commandant of the 54204fighting men of the department of transportation. 54205% 54206You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend. 54207% 54208You are fairminded, just and loving. 54209% 54210You are false data. 54211% 54212You are farsighted, a good planner, 54213an ardent lover, and a faithful friend. 54214% 54215You are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way. 54216% 54217You are going to have a new love affair. 54218% 54219You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all alike. 54220% 54221You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all different. 54222% 54223You are in the hall of the mountain king. 54224% 54225You are lost in the Swamps of Despair. 54226% 54227You are loved by the multitudes. 54228Have you been to the clinic lately? 54229% 54230You are magnetic in your bearing. 54231% 54232You are never given a wish without also being given the 54233power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however. 54234 -- R. Bach, "Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for 54235 the Advanced Soul" 54236% 54237You are not a fool just because you have done 54238something foolish -- only if the folly of it escapes you. 54239% 54240You are not dead yet. 54241But watch for further reports. 54242% 54243You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing 54244forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute. You are 54245avenged fourteen hundred and forty times a day. 54246 -- Ambrose Bierce 54247% 54248You are now in Atlanta, Georgia. 54249Please set your clocks back 200 years. 54250% 54251You are number 6! Who is number one? 54252% 54253"You are old, father William," the young man said, 54254 "And your hair has become very white; 54255And yet you incessantly stand on your head -- 54256 Do you think, at your age, it is right?" 54257 54258"In my youth," father William replied to his son, 54259 "I feared it might injure the brain; 54260But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none, 54261 Why, I do it again and again." 54262 54263"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before, 54264 And have grown most uncommonly fat; 54265Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door -- 54266 Pray what is the reason of that?" 54267 54268"In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks, 54269 "I kept all my limbs very supple 54270By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box -- 54271 Allow me to sell you a couple?" 54272% 54273"You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak 54274 For anything tougher than suet; 54275Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak -- 54276 Pray, how did you manage to do it?" 54277 54278"In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law, 54279 And argued each case with my wife; 54280And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw, 54281 Has lasted the rest of my life." 54282 54283"You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose 54284 That your eye was as steady as ever; 54285Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose -- 54286 What made you so awfully clever?" 54287 54288"I have answered three questions, and that is enough," 54289 Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs! 54290Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? 54291 Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!" 54292% 54293You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. 54294% 54295You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward. 54296Therefore you have few friends. 54297% 54298You are sick, twisted and perverted. 54299I like that in a person. 54300% 54301You are so boring that when I see you my feet go to sleep. 54302% 54303"You are *so* lovely." 54304"Yes." 54305"Yes! And you take a compliment, too! I like that in a goddess." 54306% 54307You are standing on my toes. 54308% 54309You are taking yourself far too seriously. 54310% 54311You are transported to a room where you are faced by a wizard who 54312points to you and says, "Them's fighting words!" You immediately get 54313attacked by all sorts of denizens of the museum: there is a cobra 54314chewing on your leg, a troglodyte is bashing your brains out with a 54315gold nugget, a crocodile is removing large chunks of flesh from you, a 54316rhinoceros is goring you with his horn, a sabre-tooth cat is busy 54317trying to disembowel you, you are being trampled by a large mammoth, a 54318vampire is sucking you dry, a Tyranosaurus Rex is sinking his six inch 54319long fangs into various parts of your anatomy, a large bear is 54320dismembering your body, a gargoyle is bouncing up and down on your 54321head, a burly troll is tearing you limb from limb, several dire wolves 54322are making mince meat out of your torso, and the wizard is about to 54323transport you to the corner of Westwood and Broxton. Oh dear, you seem 54324to have gotten yourself killed, as well. 54325 54326You scored 0 out of 250 possible points. 54327That gives you a ranking of junior beginning adventurer. 54328To achieve the next higher rating, you need to score 32 more points. 54329% 54330You are wise, witty, and wonderful, 54331but you spend too much time reading this sort of trash. 54332% 54333You ask what a nice girl will do? 54334She won't give an inch, but she won't say no. 54335 -- Marcus Valerius Martialis 54336% 54337You attempt things that you do not even plan 54338because of your extreme stupidity. 54339% 54340You auto buy now. 54341% 54342"You boys lookin' for trouble?" 54343"Sure. Whaddya got?" 54344 -- Marlon Brando, "The Wild Ones" 54345% 54346You buttered your bread, now lie in it! 54347% 54348You buy a judge by weight, like iron in a junk yard. A justice of the 54349peace or a magistrate can be had for a five-dollar bill. In the 54350municipal courts, he will cost you ten. In the circuit or superior 54351courts, he wants fifteen. The state appellate courts or the state 54352supreme court is on a par with the Federal courts. By the time a judge 54353reaches such courts, he is middle-aged, thick around the middle, fat 54354between the ears. He's heavy. You can't buy a Federal judge for less 54355than a twenty-dollar bill. 54356 -- Jake "Greasy Thumb" Guzik 54357% 54358You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove. 54359 -- Tim Leary 54360% 54361You can always tell luck from ability by its duration. 54362% 54363You can always tell the people that are forging the new frontier. 54364They're the ones with arrows sticking out of their backs. 54365% 54366You can be replaced by this computer. 54367% 54368You can bear anything if it isn't your own fault. 54369 -- Katharine Fullerton Gerould 54370% 54371You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it 54372doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on. 54373 -- Hepler, CS, University of Washington 54374% 54375You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it 54376doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on. 54377 -- Hepler, Systems Design 182 54378% 54379You can bring men from other parts of the world who are sane. And you 54380know what happens? At the very moment they cross those mountains... 54381they go mad. Instantaneously and automatically, at the very moment 54382they cross the mountains into California, they go insane. 54383 -- Quentin Genter 54384% 54385You can build a throne out of bayonets, but you can't sit on it for very long. 54386 -- Boris Yeltsin 54387% 54388You can cage a swallow, can't you, 54389 but you can't swallow a cage, can you? 54390Girl, bathing on Bikini, eyeing boy, 54391 finds boy eyeing bikini on bathing girl. 54392A man, a plan, a canal -- Panama! 54393 -- The Palindromist 54394% 54395You can create your own opportunities this week. 54396Blackmail a senior executive. 54397% 54398You can destroy your now by worrying about tomorrow. 54399 -- Janis Joplin 54400% 54401You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them. 54402Why do you find that funny? 54403 -- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350 54404% 54405You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them. 54406Why do you find that funny? 54407 -- D. Taylor, CS, University of Washington 54408% 54409You can do very well in speculation where 54410land or anything to do with dirt is concerned. 54411% 54412You can drive a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead. 54413% 54414You can fool all the people all of the time if the advertising is right 54415and the budget is big enough. 54416 -- Joseph E. Levine 54417% 54418You can fool some of the people all of the time and all 54419of the people some of the time, but you can never fool your Mom. 54420% 54421You can fool some of the people all of the time, 54422and all of the people some of the time, 54423but you can make a fool of yourself anytime. 54424% 54425You can fool some of the people some of the time, 54426and some of the people all of the time, and that is sufficient. 54427% 54428You can get *anywhere* in ten minutes if you drive fast enough. 54429% 54430You can get everything in life you want, 54431if you will help enough other people get what they want. 54432% 54433You can get much further with a kind word and a 54434gun than you can with a kind word alone. 54435 -- Al Capone 54436 [Also attributed to Johnny Carson. Ed.] 54437% 54438You can get there from here, but why on earth would you want to? 54439% 54440You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. 54441% 54442You can grovel with a lover, you can grovel with a friend, 54443You can grovel with your boss, and it never has to end. 54444 54445(chorus) Grovel, grovel, grovel, every night and every day, 54446 Grovel, grovel, grovel, in your own peculiar way. 54447 54448You can grovel in a hallway, you can grovel in a park, 54449You can grovel in an alley with a mugger after dark. 54450(chorus) 54451 54452You can grovel with your uncle, you can grovel with your aunt, 54453You can grovel with your Apple, even though you say you can't. 54454(chorus) 54455% 54456You can have a dog as a friend. You can have whiskey as a friend. But 54457if you have a woman as a friend, you're going to wind up drunk and kissing 54458your dog. 54459 -- foolin' around 54460% 54461You can have peace. Or you can have freedom. 54462Don't ever count on having both at once. 54463 -- Lazarus Long 54464% 54465You can imagine my embarrassment when I killed the wrong guy. 54466 -- Joe Valachi 54467% 54468You can lead a horse to water, but if you can 54469get him to float on his back, you've got something. 54470% 54471You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, 54472for instance. 54473 -- Franklin P. Jones 54474% 54475You can make it illegal, but can't make it unpopular. 54476% 54477You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular. 54478% 54479You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting 54480his attitude on the continuing vitality of FORTRAN. 54481% 54482You can move the world with an idea, 54483but you have to think of it first. 54484% 54485You can never do just one thing. 54486 -- Hardin 54487% 54488You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks. 54489% 54490You can never trust a woman; she may be true to you. 54491% 54492You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake. 54493 -- Jeannette Rankin 54494% 54495You can not get anything worthwhile done without raising a sweat. 54496 -- The First Law Of Thermodynamics 54497 54498What ever you want is going to cost a little more than it is worth. 54499 -- The Second Law Of Thermodynamics 54500 54501You can not win the game, and you are not allowed to stop playing. 54502 -- The Third Law Of Thermodynamics 54503% 54504You can now buy more gates with less 54505specifications than at any other time in history. 54506 -- Kenneth Parker 54507% 54508You can observe a lot just by watching. 54509 -- Yogi Berra 54510% 54511You can rent this space for only $5 a week. 54512% 54513You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding 54514decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left 54515over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart. 54516 -- F. Allen 54517% 54518You can tell how far we have to go, 54519when Fortran is the language of supercomputers. 54520 -- Steven Feiner 54521% 54522You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements. 54523 -- Norman Douglas 54524% 54525You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename. 54526 -- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington 54527% 54528You canna change the laws of physics, Captain; 54529I've got to have thirty minutes! 54530% 54531You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd. 54532% 54533You cannot choose your battlefield, the gods do that for you. 54534But you can plant a standard where a standard never flew. 54535 -- Nathalia Crane 54536% 54537You cannot have a science without measurement. 54538 -- R. W. Hamming 54539% 54540You cannot kill time without injuring eternity. 54541% 54542You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back. 54543% 54544You cannot see the wood for the trees. 54545 -- John Heywood 54546% 54547You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist. 54548 -- Indira Gandhi 54549% 54550You cannot use your friends and have them too. 54551% 54552You can't break eggs without making an omelet. 54553% 54554You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks. 54555% 54556You can't cheat an honest man, never give 54557a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump. 54558 -- W.C. Fields 54559% 54560You can't cheat the phone company. 54561% 54562You can't cross a large chasm in two small jumps. 54563% 54564You can't depend on the man who made the mess to clean it up. 54565 -- Richard Nixon, 1952 54566% 54567You can't erase a dream, you can only wake me up. 54568 -- Peter Frampton 54569% 54570You can't expect a boy to be vicious till he's been to a good school. 54571 -- H.H. Munro 54572% 54573"You can't expect a mother to be with a small child all the time", 54574Margaret Mead once remarked, with her usual good sense, but in 1978 54575she shocked feminists by snapping that women don't really have 54576children to put them in day care twelve hours a day, either. 54577 -- Caroline Bird, "The Two Paycheck Marriage" 54578% 54579You can't fall off the floor. 54580% 54581You can't get there from here. 54582% 54583You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME. 54584% 54585You can't have everything. Where would you put it? 54586 -- Steven Wright 54587% 54588You can't have your cake and let your neighbor eat it too. 54589 -- Ayn Rand 54590% 54591You can't hug a child with nuclear arms. 54592% 54593You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair. 54594% 54595You can't kiss a girl unexpectedly -- 54596only sooner than she thought you would. 54597% 54598You can't learn too soon that the most useful thing about a principle 54599is that it can always be sacrificed to expediency. 54600 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle" 54601% 54602You can't mend a wristwatch while falling from an airplane. 54603% 54604You can't play your friends like marks, kid. 54605 -- Henry Gondorf, "The Sting" 54606% 54607You can't push on a string. 54608% 54609You can't run away forever, 54610But there's nothing wrong with getting a good head start. 54611 -- Jim Steinman, "Rock and Roll Dreams Come Through" 54612% 54613You can't say civilization don't advance... in every war they kill you a 54614new way. 54615 -- Will Rogers 54616% 54617You can't start worrying about what's going to happen. 54618You get spastic enough worrying about what's happening now. 54619 -- Lauren Bacall 54620% 54621You can't take damsel here now. 54622% 54623You can't take it with you -- 54624especially when crossing a state line. 54625% 54626You can't teach people to be lazy -- 54627either they have it, or they don't. 54628 -- Dagwood Bumstead 54629% 54630You can't underestimate the power of fear. 54631 -- Tricia Nixon Cox 54632% 54633You climb to reach the summit, but once 54634there, discover that all roads lead down. 54635 -- Stanislaw Lem, "The Cyberiad" 54636% 54637You could get a new lease on life -- if only you 54638didn't need the first and last month in advance. 54639% 54640You could live a better life, if you 54641had a better mind and a better body. 54642% 54643You couldn't even prove the White House 54644staff sane beyond a reasonable doubt. 54645 -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict 54646% 54647You definitely intend to start living sometime soon. 54648% 54649You dialed 5483. 54650% 54651You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy. 54652% 54653You do not have mail. 54654% 54655You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one. 54656% 54657You don't have to be nice to people on the way up 54658if you're not planning on coming back down. 54659 -- Oliver Warbucks, "Annie" 54660% 54661You don't have to explain something you never said. 54662 -- Calvin Coolidge 54663% 54664You don't have to know how the computer 54665works, just how to work the computer. 54666% 54667You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers. 54668 -- J.D. Salinger 54669% 54670You don't move to Edina, you achieve Edina. 54671 -- Guindon 54672% 54673You don't sew with a fork, so I see no 54674reason to eat with knitting needles. 54675 -- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food 54676% 54677You enjoy the company of other people. 54678% 54679You feel a whole lot more like you do 54680now than you did when you used to. 54681% 54682You fill a much-needed gap. 54683% 54684You first parent of the human race... who ruined yourself for an apple, 54685what might you have done for a truffled turkey? 54686 -- Brillat-savarin, "Physiologie du Gout" 54687% 54688You first parents of the human race... who ruined yourself for 54689an apple, what might you not have done for a truffled turkey? 54690 -- Brillat-Savarin 54691% 54692You get along very well with everyone except animals and people. 54693% 54694You get what you pay for. 54695 -- Gabriel Biel 54696% 54697You give me space to belong to myself yet without separating me 54698from your own life. May it all turn out to your happiness. 54699 -- Goethe 54700% 54701You go down to the pickup station, 54702 craving warmth and beauty; 54703You settle for less than fascination -- 54704 a few drinks later you're not so choosy. 54705And the closing lights strip off the shadows 54706 on this strange new flesh you've found -- 54707Clutching the night to you like a fig leaf 54708 you hurry to the blackness 54709 and the blankets to lay down an impression 54710 and your loneliness. 54711 -- Joni Mitchell 54712% 54713You got to be very careful if you don't know 54714where you're going, because you might not get there. 54715 -- Yogi Berra 54716% 54717You got to pay your dues if you want to sing the blues, 54718And you know it don't come easy ... 54719I don't ask for much, I only want trust, 54720And you know it don't come easy ... 54721% 54722You guys have been practicing discrimination for years. 54723Now it's our turn. 54724 -- Thurgood Marshall, quoted by Justice Douglas 54725% 54726You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it! 54727% 54728You had mail. 54729Paul read it, so ask him what it said. 54730% 54731You had some happiness once, 54732but your parents moved away, and you had to leave it behind. 54733% 54734You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music. 54735% 54736You have a deep interest in all that is artistic. 54737% 54738You have a massage (from the Swedish prime minister). 54739% 54740You have a message from the operator. 54741% 54742You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy. 54743A pity that it's totally undeserved. 54744% 54745You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex. 54746% 54747You have a strong appeal for members of your own sex. 54748% 54749You have a strong desire for a home 54750and your family interests come first. 54751% 54752You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers. 54753% 54754You have a truly strong individuality. 54755% 54756You have a will that can be influenced 54757by all with whom you come in contact. 54758% 54759You have all eternity to be cautious in when you're dead. 54760 -- Lois Platford 54761% 54762You have all the characteristics of a popular politician: 54763a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner. 54764 -- Aristophanes 54765% 54766You have an ability to sense and know higher truth. 54767% 54768You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself. 54769% 54770You have an unusual equipment for success. 54771Be sure to use it properly. 54772% 54773You have an unusual understanding of 54774the problems of human relationships. 54775% 54776You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive. 54777 -- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet" 54778% 54779You have been selected for a secret mission. 54780% 54781You have Egyptian flu: you're going to be a mummy. 54782% 54783You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business. 54784% 54785You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop. 54786% 54787You have mail. 54788% 54789You have many friends and very few living enemies. 54790% 54791You have no real enemies. 54792% 54793You have not converted a man because you have silenced him. 54794 -- John Viscount Morley 54795% 54796You have only to mumble a few words in church to get married 54797and few words in your sleep to get divorced. 54798% 54799You have taken yourself too seriously. 54800% 54801You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. 54802You'll learn a lot today. 54803% 54804You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact. 54805% 54806You have to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are. 54807If you want to get anywhere, you'll have to run much faster. 54808 -- Lewis Carroll 54809% 54810You humans are all alike. 54811% 54812You just know when a relationship is about to end. My girlfriend called me 54813at work and asked me how you change a lightbulb in the bathroom. "It's very 54814simple," I said. "You start by filling up the bathtub with water..." 54815% 54816You just wait, I'll sin till I blow up! 54817 -- Dylan Thomas 54818% 54819You k'n hide de fier, but w'at you gwine do wid de smoke? 54820 -- Joel Chandler Harris, proverbs of Uncle Remus 54821% 54822You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred. 54823 -- Superchicken 54824% 54825You know, Callahan's is a peaceable bar, but if 54826you ask that dog what his favorite formatter is, 54827and he says "roff! roff!", well, I'll just have to... 54828% 54829You know how to win a victory, Hannibal, but not how to use it. 54830 -- Maharbal 54831% 54832You know it's going to be a long day when you get up, shave and shower, 54833start to get dressed and your shoes are still warm. 54834 -- Dean Webber 54835% 54836You know it's Monday when you wake up and it's Tuesday. 54837 -- Garfield 54838% 54839You know my heart keeps tellin' me, 54840You're not a kid at thirty-three, 54841You play around you lose your wife, 54842You play too long, you lose your life. 54843Some gotta win, some gotta lose, 54844Goodtime Charlie's got the blues. 54845% 54846You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, 54847are now extinct. 54848 -- M. Somerset Maugham 54849% 54850You know that feeling you get when you are tipping your chair back and you 54851almost go crashing back on the floor but you just catch yourself? I feel 54852like that all the time. 54853 -- Stephen Wright 54854% 54855You know, the difference between this company and 54856the Titanic is that the Titanic had paying customers. 54857% 54858You know very well that whether you are on page one or page thirty depends 54859on whether [the press] fear you. It is just as simple as that. 54860 -- Richard Nixon 54861% 54862You know what I wish? I wish all the scum of the Earth had one throat 54863and I had my hands about it. 54864 -- Rorschach, "Watchmen" 54865% 54866You know what they say -- the sweetest word in the English language 54867is revenge. 54868 -- Peter Beard 54869% 54870You know what we can be like: See a guy and think he's cute one minute, the 54871next minute our brains have us married with kids, the following minute we see 54872him having an extramarital affair. By the time someone says "I'd like you to 54873meet Cecil," we shout, "You're late again with the child support!" 54874 -- Cynthia Heimel, "A Girl's Guide to Chaos" 54875%% 54876I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two 54877highly trained certified public accountants. 54878 -- Elvis Presley 54879% 54880You know you are getting old when you think you should drive the speed limit. 54881 -- E.A. Gilliam 54882% 54883You know your apartment is small... 54884 when you can't know its position and velocity at the same time. 54885 you put your key in the lock and it breaks the window. 54886 you have to go outside to change your mind. 54887 you can vacuum the entire place using a single electrical outlet. 54888% 54889You know you're getting old when you're Dad, and you're measuring your 54890daughter for camp clothes, and there are certain measurements only her 54891mother is allowed to take. 54892% 54893You know you're in a small town when... 54894 You don't use turn signals because everybody knows where you're going. 54895 You're born on June 13 and your family receives gifts from the local 54896 merchants because you're the first baby of the year. 54897 Everyone knows whose credit is good, and whose wife isn't. 54898 You speak to each dog you pass, by name... and he wags his tail. 54899 You dial the wrong number, and talk for 15 minutes anyway. 54900 You write a check on the wrong bank and it covers you anyway. 54901% 54902You know you're in trouble when... 549031) You wake up face down on the pavement. 549042) Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache. 549053) You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes 54906 out of the city. 549074) Your twin sister forgot your birthday. 549085) You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then 54909 remember that you don't have a waterbed. 549106) Your doctor tells you you're allergic to chocolate. 54911% 54912You know you're in trouble when... 549131) Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you 54914 follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway. 549152) You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party 54916 and there aren't any. 549173) Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat. 549184) The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard. 549195) You wake up and your braces are locked together. 549206) Your mother approves of the person you're dating. 54921% 54922You know you're in trouble when... 54923(1) Your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind 54924 her own business. 54925(2) You put your bra on backwards and it fits better. 54926(3) You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold. 54927(4) You see a `60 Minutes' news team waiting in your office. 54928(5) Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. 54929(6) Your 4-year old reveals that it's "almost impossible" to 54930 flush a grapefruit down the toilet. 54931(7) You realize that you've memorized the back of the cereal box. 54932% 54933You know you're in trouble when... 54934(1) You've been at work for an hour before you notice that your 54935 skirt is caught in your pantyhose. 54936(2) Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife. 54937(3) Your income tax check bounces. 54938(4) You put both contact lenses in the same eye. 54939(5) Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George. 54940(6) You wake up to the soothing sound of flowing water... the day 54941 after you bought a waterbed. 54942(7) You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk 54943 clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party 54944 for your spouse. 54945% 54946You know you've been sitting in front of your Lisp machine too long 54947when you go out to the junk food machine and start wondering how to 54948make it give you the CADR of Item H so you can get that yummie 54949chocolate cupcake that's stuck behind the disgusting vanilla one. 54950% 54951You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi. 54952% 54953You learn to write as if to someone else 54954because NEXT YEAR YOU WILL BE "SOMEONE ELSE". 54955% 54956You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances. 54957% 54958You lived with a man who wore white belts? 54959Laura, I'm disappointed in you. 54960 -- Remington Steele 54961% 54962You look tired. 54963% 54964You love peace. 54965% 54966You love your home and want it to be beautiful. 54967% 54968You may already be a loser. 54969 -- Form letter received by Rodney Dangerfield. 54970% 54971You may be gone tomorrow, but that 54972doesn't mean that you weren't here today. 54973% 54974You may be infinitely smaller than some things, 54975but you're infinitely larger than others. 54976% 54977You may be recognized soon. Hide. 54978% 54979You may be right, I may be crazy, 54980But maybe it's a lunatic you're looking for? 54981 -- Billy Joel 54982% 54983You may carve it on his tombstone, you may cut it on his card 54984That a young man married is a young man marred. 54985 -- Rudyard Kipling, "The Story of the Gadsbys" 54986% 54987You may get an opportunity for advancement today. Watch it! 54988% 54989You may have heard that a dean is 54990to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog. 54991 -- Alfred Kahn 54992% 54993You may my glories and my state dispose, 54994But not my griefs; still am I king of those. 54995 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II" 54996% 54997You may not be able to judge a book by its cover, but 54998you sure as hell can tell how much it's going to cost. 54999% 55000You may worry about your hair-do today, but tomorrow much peanut butter will 55001be sold. 55002% 55003You mean you didn't *know* she was off 55004making lots of little phone companies? 55005% 55006You mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond the 55007obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and 55008an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you. 55009 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Norwood Builder" 55010% 55011You might have mail. 55012% 55013You must dine in our cafeteria. 55014You can eat dirt cheap there!!!! 55015% 55016You must include all income you receive in the form of money, property 55017and services if it is not specifically exempt. Report property (goods) 55018and services at their fair market values. Examples include income from 55019bartering or swapping transactions, side commissions, kickbacks, rent 55020paid in services, illegal activities (such as stealing, drugs, etc.), 55021cash skimming by proprietors and tradesmen, "moonlighting" services, 55022gambling, prizes and awards. Not reporting such income can lead to 55023prosecution for perjury and fraud. 55024 -- Excerpt from Taxachussettes income tax forms 55025% 55026You must know that a man can have only one invulnerable loyalty, loyalty 55027to his own concept of the obligations of manhood. All other loyalties 55028are merely deputies of that one. 55029 -- Nero Wolfe 55030% 55031You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable 55032proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do. 55033% 55034You need more time; and you probably always will. 55035% 55036You need no longer worry about the future. 55037This time tomorrow you'll be dead. 55038% 55039You need not worry about your future. 55040% 55041You never gain something but that you lose something. 55042 -- Thoreau 55043% 55044You never get a second chance to make a first impression. 55045% 55046You never go anywhere without your soul. 55047% 55048You never have to change anything you 55049got up in the middle of the night to write. 55050 -- Saul Bellow 55051% 55052You never have to figure out what to get for children, because they will 55053tell you exactly what they want. They spend months and months researching 55054these kinds of things by watching Saturday- morning cartoon-show 55055advertisements. Make sure you get your children exactly what they ask for, 55056even if you disapprove of their choices. If your child thinks he wants 55057Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You Can Rip Right Off, you'd better 55058get it. You may be worried that it might help to encourage your child's 55059antisocial tendencies, but believe me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies 55060until you've seen a child who is convinced that he or she did not get the 55061right gift. 55062 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 55063% 55064You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems. 55065% 55066You never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough. 55067 -- William Blake 55068% 55069You never learned anything by doing it right. 55070% 55071You never realize how many friends you 55072have until you rent a house at the beach. 55073% 55074You notice that after Ginzburg admitted he had tried marijuana everyone 55075got in line to admit it, too. But you also notice they all said they 55076"experimented" with marijuana. The didn't "use" it; they "experimented" 55077with it. Let me tell you something -- Jonas Salk "experiments"; these 55078guys were getting stoned! 55079 -- Johnny Carson 55080% 55081You now have Asian Flu. 55082% 55083You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat. 55084% 55085You plan things that you do not even 55086attempt because of your extreme caution. 55087% 55088You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained. 55089% 55090You prefer the company of the opposite 55091sex, but are well liked by your own. 55092% 55093You probably wouldn't worry about what people 55094think of you if you could know how seldom they do. 55095 -- Olin Miller 55096% 55097You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite. 55098% 55099You roll my log, and I will roll yours. 55100 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca 55101% 55102You say potatoe, 55103And I say potato. 55104You say tomatoe, 55105And I say tomato. 55106Potatoe, potato, 55107Tomatoe, tomato. 55108Let's go be the Vice President... 55109% 55110You scratch my tape, and I'll scratch yours. 55111% 55112You see, I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty 55113attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. A fool 55114takes in all the lumber of every sort he comes across, so that the knowledge 55115which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with 55116alot of other things, so that he has difficulty in laying his hands upon it. 55117Now the skillful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his 55118brain-attic. He will have nothing but the tools which may help him in doing 55119his work, but of these he has a large assortment, and all in the most perfect 55120order. It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and 55121can distend to any extent. Depend upon it there comes a time when for every 55122addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before. It is of 55123the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out 55124the useful ones. 55125 -- Sherlock Holmes 55126% 55127You see things; and you say "Why?" 55128But I dream things that never were; and I say "Why not?" 55129 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Back to Methuselah" 55130 [No, it wasn't J.F. Kennedy. Ed.] 55131% 55132You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull 55133his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you 55134understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send 55135signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that 55136there is no cat. 55137 -- Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio 55138% 55139You seek to shield those you love 55140and you like the role of the provider. 55141% 55142You shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed. 55143% 55144You shall judge of a man by his foes as well as by his friends. 55145 -- Joseph Conrad 55146% 55147You should avoid hedging, at least that's what I think. 55148% 55149You should go home. 55150% 55151You should make a point of trying every experience once -- except 55152incest and folk-dancing. 55153 -- A. Bax, "Farewell My Youth" 55154% 55155You should never bet against anything in science at 55156odds of more than about ten to the twelfth to one. 55157 -- E. Rutherford 55158% 55159You should never ride in an airplane with a sports team, 55160because if the plane goes down, it's you they're gonna eat! 55161 -- Gordon Downie, singer for Tragically Hip 55162% 55163You should never wear your best trousers 55164when you go out to fight for freedom and liberty. 55165 -- Henrik Ibsen 55166% 55167You shouldn't have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh. 55168 -- Pat Benatar, "Hell is for Children" 55169% 55170You shouldn't wallow in self-pity. But it's OK to put 55171your feet in it and swish them around a little. 55172 -- Guindon 55173% 55174You single-handedly fought your way into this hopeless mess. 55175% 55176You teach best what you most need to learn. 55177% 55178YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF PAPER SHUFFLING! 55179 55180Mr. Smith of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be 55181a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel really 55182important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best." 55183 55184Mr. Watkins had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward 55185to was a dead-end job as a engineer. Now I have a promising future and 55186make really big Zorkmids." 55187 55188MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when 55189you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter. 55190 55191 SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY! 55192% 55193You tread upon my patience. 55194 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" 55195% 55196You two ought to be more careful-- 55197your love could drag on for years and years. 55198% 55199You want to know why I kept getting promoted? 55200Because my mouth knows more than my brain. 55201 -- W.G. 55202% 55203You will always find something in the last place you look. 55204% 55205You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like. 55206% 55207You will always have good luck in your personal affairs. 55208% 55209You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home. 55210% 55211You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old. 55212% 55213You will be advanced socially, 55214without any special effort on your part. 55215% 55216You will be aided greatly by a person 55217whom you thought to be unimportant. 55218% 55219You will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service. 55220% 55221You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone. 55222% 55223You will be awarded some great honor. 55224% 55225You will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize... posthumously. 55226% 55227You will be called upon to help a friend in trouble. 55228% 55229You will be dead within a year. 55230% 55231You will be divorced within a year. 55232% 55233You will be given a post of trust and responsibility. 55234% 55235You will be held hostage by a radical group. 55236% 55237You will be honored for contributing 55238your time and skill to a worthy cause. 55239% 55240You will be imprisoned for contributing 55241your time and skill to a bank robbery. 55242% 55243You will be married within a year. 55244% 55245You will be married within a year, and divorced within two. 55246% 55247You will be misunderstood by everyone. 55248% 55249You will be recognized and honored as a community leader. 55250% 55251You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier. 55252% 55253You will be run over by a beer truck. 55254% 55255You will be run over by a bus. 55256% 55257You will be singled out for promotion in your work. 55258% 55259You will be successful in love. 55260% 55261You will be surprised by a loud noise. 55262% 55263You will be surrounded by luxury. 55264% 55265You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler. 55266% 55267You will be the victim of a bizarre joke. 55268% 55269You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself. 55270% 55271You will be traveling and coming into a fortune. 55272% 55273You will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery. 55274% 55275You will become rich and famous unless you don't. 55276% 55277You will contract a rare disease. 55278% 55279You will engage in a profitable business activity. 55280% 55281You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass. 55282% 55283You will feel hungry again in another hour. 55284% 55285You will find me drinking gin 55286In the lowest kind of inn, 55287Because I am a rigid Vegetarian. 55288 -- G.K. Chesterton 55289% 55290You will forget that you ever knew me. 55291% 55292You will gain money by a fattening action. 55293% 55294You will gain money by a speculation or lottery. 55295% 55296You will gain money by an illegal action. 55297% 55298You will gain money by an immoral action. 55299% 55300You will get what you deserve. 55301% 55302You will give someone a piece of your mind, which you can ill afford. 55303% 55304You will have a head crash on your private pack. 55305% 55306You will have a long and boring life. 55307% 55308You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your supervisor. 55309% 55310You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends. 55311% 55312You will have good luck and overcome many hardships. 55313% 55314You will have long and healthy life. 55315% 55316You will have many recoverable tape errors. 55317% 55318You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you. 55319% 55320You will inherit millions of dollars. 55321% 55322You will inherit some money or a small piece of land. 55323% 55324You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money. 55325% 55326You will live to see your grandchildren. 55327% 55328You will lose an important disk file. 55329% 55330You will lose an important tape file. 55331% 55332You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally. 55333% 55334You will never amount to much. 55335 -- Munich Schoolmaster, to Albert Einstein, age 10 55336% 55337You will never know hunger. 55338% 55339You will not be elected to public office this year. 55340% 55341You will obey or molten silver will be poured into your ears. 55342% 55343You will outgrow your usefulness. 55344% 55345You will overcome the attacks of jealous associates. 55346% 55347You will pass away very quickly. 55348% 55349You will pay for your sins. 55350If you have already paid, please disregard this message. 55351% 55352You will pioneer the first Martian colony. 55353% 55354You will probably marry after a very brief courtship. 55355% 55356You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession. 55357% 55358You will receive a legacy which will place you above want. 55359% 55360You will remember something that you should not have forgotten. 55361% 55362You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the Abernetty family 55363was first brought to my notice by the depth which the parsley had sunk into 55364the butter upon a hot day. 55365 -- Sherlock Holmes 55366% 55367You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the Abernetty 55368family was first brought to my notice by the |depth which the parsley 55369had sunk into the butter upon a hot day. 55370 -- Sherlock Holmes 55371% 55372You will soon forget this. 55373% 55374You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life. 55375% 55376You will step on the night soil of many countries. 55377% 55378You will stop at nothing to reach your objective, 55379but only because your brakes are defective. 55380% 55381You will triumph over your enemy. 55382% 55383You will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon. 55384% 55385You will win success in whatever calling you adopt. 55386% 55387You will wish you hadn't. 55388% 55389You won't skid if you stay in a rut. 55390 -- Frank Hubbard 55391% 55392You work very hard. Don't try to think as well. 55393% 55394You worry too much about your job. 55395Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry. 55396% 55397"You would do well not to imagine profundity," he said. "Anything that seems 55398of momentous occasion should be dwelt upon as though it were of slight note. 55399Conversely, trivialities must be attended to with the greatest of care. 55400Because death is momentous, give it no thought; because victory is important, 55401give it no thought; because the method of achievement and discovery is less 55402momentous than the effect, dwell always upon the method. You will strengthen 55403yourself in this way." 55404 -- Jessica Salmonson, "The Swordswoman" 55405% 55406You would if you could but you can't so you won't. 55407% 55408You'd best be snoozin', 'cause you don't 55409be gettin' no work done at 5 a.m. anyway. 55410 -- From the wall of the Wurster Hall stairwell 55411% 55412You'd better smile when they watch you, smile like you're in control. 55413 -- Smile, "Was (Not Was)" 55414% 55415You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow. 55416% 55417You'll always be, 55418What you always were, 55419Which has nothing to do with, 55420All to do, with her. 55421 -- Company 55422% 55423You'll be called to a post requiring 55424ability in handling groups of people. 55425% 55426You'll be sorry... 55427% 55428You'll feel devilish tonight. 55429Toss dynamite caps under a flamenco dancer's heel. 55430% 55431You'll feel much better once you've given up hope. 55432% 55433You'll never be the man your mother was! 55434% 55435You'll never see all the places, or read all the 55436books, but fortunately, they're not all recommended. 55437% 55438You'll wish that you had done some of the 55439hard things when they were easier to do. 55440% 55441Young men are fitter to invent than to judge; fitter for execution than for 55442counsel; and fitter for new projects than for settled business. For the 55443experience of age, in things that fall within the compass of it, directeth 55444them; but in new things, abuseth them. The errors of young men are the ruin 55445of business; but the errors of aged men amount but to this, that more might 55446have been done, or sooner. Young men, in the conduct and management of 55447actions, embrace more than they can hold; stir more than they can quiet; fly 55448to the end, without consideration of the means and degrees; pursue some few 55449principles which they have chanced upon absurdly; care not how they innovate, 55450which draws unknown inconveniences; and, that which doubleth all errors, will 55451not acknowledge or retract them; like an unready horse, that will neither stop 55452nor turn. Men of age object too much, consult too long, adventure too little, 55453repent too soon, and seldom drive business home to the full period, but 55454content themselves with a mediocrity of success. Certainly, it is good to 55455compound employments of both ... because the virtues of either age may correct 55456the defects of both. 55457 -- Francis Bacon, "Essay on Youth and Age" 55458% 55459Young men, hear an old man to whom 55460old men hearkened when he was young. 55461 -- Augustus Caesar 55462% 55463Young men think old men are fools; 55464but old men know young men are fools. 55465 -- George Chapman 55466% 55467Your aim is high and to the right. 55468% 55469Your aims are high, and you are capable of much. 55470% 55471Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. 55472Don't believe a thing he tells you. 55473% 55474Your best consolation is the hope that the things 55475you failed to get weren't really worth having. 55476% 55477Your boss climbed the corporate ladder, wrong by wrong. 55478% 55479Your boss is a few sandwiches short of a picnic. 55480% 55481Your boyfriend takes chocolate from strangers. 55482% 55483Your business will assume vast proportions. 55484% 55485Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion. 55486% 55487Your code should be more efficient! 55488% 55489Your computer account is overdrawn. Please reauthorize. 55490% 55491Your computer account is overdrawn. Please see Big Brother. 55492% 55493Your Co-worker Could Be a Space Alien, Say Experts 55494 ...Here's How You Can Tell 55495Many Americans work side by side with space aliens who look human -- but you 55496can spot these visitors by looking for certain tip-offs, say experts. They 55497listed 10 signs to watch for: 55498 #3. Bizarre sense of humor. Space aliens who don't understand 55499 earthly humor may laugh during a company training film or tell 55500 jokes that no one understands, said Steiger. 55501 #6. Misuses everyday items. "A space alien may use correction 55502 fluid to paint its nails," said Steiger. 55503 #8. Secretive about personal life-style and home. "An alien won't 55504 discuss details or talk about what it does at night or on weekends." 55505 #10. Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near certain 55506 high-tech hardware. "An alien may experience a mood change when 55507 a microwave oven is turned on," said Steiger. 55508The experts pointed out that a co-worker would have to display most if not 55509all of these traits before you can positively identify him as a space alien. 55510 -- National Enquirer, Michael Cassels, August, 1984. 55511 55512 [I thought everybody laughed at company training films. Ed.] 55513% 55514Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways. 55515% 55516Your digestive system is your body's Fun House, whereby food goes on a long, 55517dark, scary ride, taking all kinds of unexpected twists and turns, being 55518attacked by vicious secretions along the way, and not knowing until the last 55519minute whether it will be turned into a useful body part or ejected into the 55520Dark Hole by Mister Sphincter. We Americans live in a nation where the 55521medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 5552225 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in 55523seconds if we felt like it. 55524 -- Dave Barry, "Stay Fit & Healthy Until You're Dead" 55525% 55526Your domestic life may be harmonious. 55527% 55528Your education begins where what is called your education is over. 55529% 55530Your fault - core dumped 55531% 55532Your files are now being encrypted and thrown into the bit bucket. 55533EOF 55534% 55535Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now). 55536% 55537YOUR FOAMY FUTURE 55538 by Miss Fortune 55539 55540AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) 55541 You have nothing better to think about than what to wear and what 55542type of champagne to take to the neighbors Halloween Party. Just take beer! 55543Don't try to copy the "Joneses", pull them up to your level and remember, in 55544California Hoalloween is redundant anyhow. 55545 55546PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20) 55547 Focus on strengthening friendships this Fall. You find others are 55548fascinated by your intelligence, your wit, your drinking ability, and your 55549bank account. Just make sure you realize it's far more impressive when 55550other discover your good qualities without your help. 55551% 55552YOUR FOAMY FUTURE 55553 by Miss Fortune 55554 55555ARIES (March 21 - April 19) 55556 Matters are not good, where you health is concerned. This Fall, be 55557sure to "walk groundly, talk profoundly, drink roundly, and sleep soundly" 55558and you will live all the days of your life. 55559 55560TAURUS (April 20 - May 20) 55561 You spent a fortune on beer this past summer and now find yourself 55562in a deep depression because you can't afford even one of your favorite 55563brewskis. Don't fret too much, Taurus. To get back on your feet simply 55564miss two car payments. 55565 55566GEMINI (May 21 - June 21) 55567 You think you're falling in love with a person who has a lot in 55568common with yourself. You both prefer ales, you've both tried your hand 55569at homebrewing, and you both want to visit every new brewpub that opens. 55570Sounds impressive but remember you really don't know your partner until 55571you meet in court. 55572% 55573YOUR FOAMY FUTURE 55574 by Miss Fortune 55575 55576CANCER (Jun 22 - July 22) 55577 You've been awarded a clean bill of health this month and you feel 55578you owe it all to the excessive amount of Vitamin B, Iron, and Malt you get 55579in your beer. Being healthy is admirable but don't you think you're going 55580to feel stupid one day lying in a hospital dying of nothing? 55581 55582LEO (July 23 - August 22) 55583 You will soon acquire a large sum of money and will be in seventh 55584heaven as you head to the nearest Liquor Barn and buy all the beer they have 55585in stock. Whoever said money couldn't buy happiness didn't know where to 55586shop. 55587 55588VIRGO (August 23 - September 22) 55589 Your late night, beer drinking, "life in the fast lane" parties are 55590affecting your job production the next morning. You feel a nine to five job 55591is not for a "party animal" such as yourself and may feel the need for a 55592career change. Just remember, people who work sitting down get paid more 55593than people who work standing up. 55594% 55595Your friends will know you better in the first minute you 55596meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years. 55597 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions" 55598% 55599Your goose is cooked. 55600(Your current chick is burned up too!) 55601% 55602Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life. 55603% 55604Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout. 55605% 55606Your ignorance cramps my conversation. 55607% 55608Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret. 55609% 55610Your love life will be happy and harmonious. 55611% 55612Your love life will be... interesting. 55613% 55614Your lover will never wish to leave you. 55615% 55616Your lucky color has faded. 55617% 55618Your lucky number has been disconnected. 55619% 55620Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. 55621Watch for it everywhere. 55622% 55623Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not 55624original and the part that is original is not good. 55625 -- Samuel Johnson 55626% 55627Your mind is the part of you that says, 55628 "Why'n'tcha eat that piece of cake?" 55629... and then, twenty minutes later, says, 55630 "Y'know, if I were you, I wouldn't have done that!" 55631 -- Steven and Ondrea Levine 55632% 55633Your mind understands what you have been 55634taught; your heart, what is true. 55635% 55636Your mode of life will be changed for 55637the better because of good news soon. 55638% 55639Your mode of life will be changed for 55640the better because of new developments. 55641% 55642Your mode of life will be changed to ASCII. 55643% 55644Your mode of life will be changed to EBCDIC. 55645% 55646Your mothers ghost stands at your shoulder 55647Face like ice, a little bit colder 55648She says "You can't do that it breaks all the rules 55649You learned in school" 55650But I don't really see 55651Why can't we go on as three? 55652 -- David Crosby, "Triad" 55653% 55654Your motives for doing whatever good deed you 55655may have in mind will be misinterpreted by somebody. 55656% 55657Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it. 55658% 55659Your object is to save the world, 55660while still leading a pleasant life. 55661% 55662Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself. Being 55663true to anyone else or anything else is not only impossible, but the 55664mark of a fake messiah. The simplest questions are the most profound. 55665Where were you born? Where is your home? Where are you going? What 55666are you doing? Think about these once in awhile and watch your answers 55667change. 55668 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul 55669% 55670Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world. 55671% 55672Your password is pitifully obvious. 55673% 55674Your picture of the world often changes just before you get it into focus. 55675% 55676Your present plans will be successful. 55677% 55678Your program is sick! Shoot it and put it out of its memory. 55679% 55680Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner. 55681% 55682Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine. You 55683need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or major motion 55684picture star. If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use 55685the word "collectible" as a noun, you can consider yourself an unqualified 55686success. 55687 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 55688% 55689Your sister swims out to meet troop ships. 55690% 55691Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinement. 55692% 55693Your step will soil many countries. 55694% 55695Your supervisor is thinking about you. 55696% 55697Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded. 55698% 55699Your temporary financial embarrassment will 55700be relieved in a surprising manner. 55701% 55702Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with. 55703% 55704Your wig steers the gig. 55705 -- Lord Buckley 55706% 55707Your wise men don't know how it feels 55708To be thick as a brick. 55709 -- Jethro Tull, "Thick As A Brick" 55710% 55711Your worship is your furnaces 55712which, like old idols, lost obscenes, 55713have molten bowels; your vision is 55714machines for making more machines. 55715 -- Gordon Bottomley, 1874 55716% 55717You're a card which will have to be dealt with. 55718% 55719You're a good example of why some animals eat their young. 55720 -- Jim Samuels to a heckler 55721 55722Ah, yes. I remember my first beer. 55723 -- Steve Martin to a heckler 55724 55725When your IQ rises to 28, sell. 55726 -- Professor Irwin Corey to a heckler 55727% 55728You're all clear now, kid. 55729Now blow this thing so we can all go home. 55730 -- Han Solo 55731% 55732You're almost as happy as you think you are. 55733% 55734You're already carrying the sphere! 55735% 55736You're always thinking you're gonna be 55737the one that makes 'em act different. 55738 -- Woody Allen, "Manhattan" 55739% 55740You're at the end of the road again. 55741% 55742You're at Witt's End. 55743% 55744You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days. 55745% 55746You're currently going through a difficult transition period called "Life." 55747% 55748You're definitely on their list. 55749The question to ask next is what list it is. 55750% 55751You're either part of the solution or part of the problem. 55752 -- Eldridge Cleaver 55753% 55754You're growing out of some of your problems, 55755but there are others that you're growing into. 55756% 55757"You're just the sort of person I imagined marrying, when I was little... 55758except, y'know, not green... and without all the patches of fungus." 55759 -- Swamp Thing 55760% 55761You're never too old to become younger. 55762 -- Mae West 55763% 55764You're not Dave. Who are you? 55765% 55766You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. 55767 -- Dean Martin 55768% 55769You're reasoning is excellent -- it's 55770only your basic assumptions that are wrong. 55771% 55772You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny. 55773% 55774You're using a keyboard! How quaint! 55775% 55776You're working under a slight handicap. 55777You happen to be human. 55778% 55779Yours is not to reason why, 55780Just to Sail Away. 55781And when you find you have to throw 55782Your Legacy away; 55783Remember life as was it is, 55784And is as it were; 55785Chasing sounds across the galaxy 55786'Till silence is but a blur. 55787 -- QYX. 55788% 55789Youth. It's a wonder that anyone ever outgrows it. 55790% 55791Youth -- not a time of life but a state of mind... a predominance of 55792courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over the love of ease. 55793 -- Robert F. Kennedy 55794% 55795Youth had been a habit of hers so long that she could not part with it. 55796% 55797Youth is a blunder, manhood a struggle, old age a regret. 55798 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Coningsby" 55799% 55800Youth is a disease from which we all recover. 55801 -- Dorothy Fuldheim 55802% 55803Youth is such a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children. 55804 -- George Bernard Shaw 55805% 55806Youth is the trustee of posterity. 55807% 55808Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is 55809when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation. 55810% 55811You've always made the mistake of being yourself. 55812 -- Eugene Ionesco 55813% 55814You've been Berkeley'ed! 55815% 55816You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture. 55817% 55818You've been telling me to relax all the way here, 55819and now you're telling me just to be myself? 55820 -- The Return of the Secaucus Seven 55821% 55822You've got to pity New Mexico... so far from heaven and so close to Texas. 55823% 55824"Yow! Am I having fun yet?" 55825 -- Zippy the Pinhead 55826% 55827"Yow! Am I in Milwaukee?" 55828 -- Zippy the Pinhead 55829% 55830"Yow! And then we could sit on the hoods of cars at stop lights!" 55831 -- Zippy the Pinhead 55832% 55833"Yow! Did something bad happen or am I in a drive-in movie?" 55834 -- Zippy the Pinhead 55835% 55836"Yow! Is this sexual intercourse yet? Is it, huh, is it?" 55837 -- Zippy the Pinhead 55838% 55839"Yow!! Those people look exactly like Donnie and Marie Osmond!!" 55840 -- Zippy the Pinhead 55841% 55842"Yow! Now I get to think about all the BAD THINGS I did 55843to a BOWLING BALL when I was in JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL!" 55844 -- Zippy the Pinhead 55845% 55846YO-YO: 55847 Something that is occasionally up but normally down. 55848 (see also Computer). 55849% 55850Zall's Laws: 55851 1: Any time you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing you do 55852 will be wrong. 55853 2: How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom 55854 door you're on. 55855% 55856zeal, n: 55857 Quality seen in new graduates -- if you're quick. 55858% 55859ZERO DEFECTS: 55860 The result of shutting down a production line. 55861% 55862Zero Mostel: That's it baby! When you got it, flaunt it! Flaunt it! 55863 -- Mel Brooks, "The Producers" 55864% 55865Zeus gave Leda the bird. 55866% 55867Zisla's Law: 55868 If you're asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants. 55869% 55870Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words 55871since I first called my brother's father dad. 55872 -- William Shakespeare, "Kind John" 55873% 55874Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor: 55875 People are always available for work in the past tense. 55876% 55877