1!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH 2% 3(1) Alexander the Great was a great general. 4(2) Great generals are forewarned. 5(3) Forewarned is forearmed. 6(4) Four is an even number. 7(5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have. 8(6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity. 9 10Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms. 11% 12(1) Everything depends. 13(2) Nothing is always. 14(3) Everything is sometimes. 15% 161.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's 17the law! 18% 1910.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0. 20% 21100 buckets of bits on the bus 22100 buckets of bits 23Take one down, short it to ground 24FF buckets of bits on the bus 25 26FF buckets of bits on the bus 27FF buckets of bits 28Take one down, short it to ground 29FE buckets of bits on the bus 30 31ad infinitum... 32% 33$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at 34which time it will be worth absolutely nothing. 35 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 36% 37101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR 38 (1) Scarecrow for centipedes 39 (2) Dead cat brush 40 (3) Hair barrettes 41 (4) Cleats 42 (5) Self-piercing earrings 43 (6) Fungus trellis 44 (7) False eyelashes 45 (8) Prosthetic dog claws 46 . 47 . 48 . 49 (99) Window garden harrow (pulled behind Tonka tractors) 50 (100) Killer velcro 51 (101) Currency 52% 53186,282 miles per second: 54 55It isn't just a good idea, it's the law! 56% 572180, U.S. History question: 58 What 20th Century U.S. President was almost impeached and what 59office did he later hold? 60% 61$3,000,000 62% 63355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible 64simulation! 65% 663 syncs represent the trinity -- init, the child and the eternal zombie 67process. In doing 3, you're paying homage to each and I think such 68traditions are important in this shallow, mercurial business we find 69ourselves in. 70 -- Jordan K. Hubbard 71% 7243rd Law of Computing: 73 Anything that can go wr 74fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped 75% 7677. HO HUM -- The Redundant 77 78------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme 79--- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife 80------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. You are working 81---O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop the 82---X--- (9) GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates to 83--- --- (8) nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex. 84 85Nine in the second place means: 86 The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune. 87 88Six in the third place means: 89 In former times men built altars to honor the Internal Revenue 90 Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble! 91% 927:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) 93 The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National 94 Redwood Forest. 95% 967:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) 97 The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the 98 Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus. 99% 10099 blocks of crud on the disk, 10199 blocks of crud! 102You patch a bug, and dump it again: 103100 blocks of crud on the disk! 104 105100 blocks of crud on the disk, 106100 blocks of crud! 107You patch a bug, and dump it again: 108101 blocks of crud on the disk! ... 109% 110A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a 111"Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble. 112 -- Mahatma Ghandi 113% 114A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. 115Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific 116game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have 117traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, 118preferably atop a nice firm tuft of grass. 119 -- Donald A. Metz 120% 121A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and 122placed in the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or 123rolled into the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results 124from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball 125and the player should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the 126ball resulting from such uncontrollable physical 127phenomena. 128 -- Donald A. Metz 129% 130A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no 131responsibility at the other. 132% 133A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on. 134 -- Carl Sandburg 135% 136A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out 137of a divorce. 138 -- Don Quinn 139% 140A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining 141and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. 142 -- Mark Twain 143% 144A billion here, a couple of billion there -- first thing you know it 145adds up to be real money. 146 -- Senator Everett McKinley Dirksen 147% 148A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him. 149% 150A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring. 151% 152A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose. 153% 154... A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you 155have turned into a pile of dust. 156% 157A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have 158enlightened him with ours. 159% 160A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well 161as afterward. 162% 163A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the 164poor to protect them from each other. 165% 166A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness. 167% 168A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not 169mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty 170trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators. 171 -- Dave Barry 172% 173A child of five could understand this! Fetch me a child of five. 174% 175A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon. 176Avoid him. He's a Commie. 177% 178A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but 179won't cross the street to vote in a national election. 180 -- Bill Vaughan 181% 182A city is a large community where people are lonesome together. 183 -- Herbert Prochnow 184% 185A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody 186wants to read. 187 -- Mark Twain, "The Disappearance of Literature" 188% 189A closed mouth gathers no foot. 190% 191A computer, to print out a fact, 192Will divide, multiply, and subtract. 193 But this output can be 194 No more than debris, 195If the input was short of exact. 196 -- Gigo 197% 198A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking. 199% 200A CONS is an object which cares. 201 -- Bernie Greenberg. 202% 203A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it 204is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it. 205% 206A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper. 207 -- Dyer 208% 209A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the 210damned things is ample. 211 -- Rebecca West 212% 213A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. 214 -- Ben Franklin 215% 216A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison 217And had an affair with a Saracen. 218 She was not oversexed, 219 Or jealous or vexed, 220She just wanted to make a comparison. 221% 222A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen 223lantern. 224 -- Edgar A. Shoaff 225% 226A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it? 227% 228A day without sunshine is like night. 229% 230A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur 231coat. 232% 233A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that 234you will look forward to the trip. 235% 236 A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was 237eating his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality 238test", said the outsider, "because I want you to be happy." 239 Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into 240the toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too". 241% 242A diva who specializes in risqu'e arias is an off-coloratura soprano ... 243% 244 A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing 245about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their 246arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon 247the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because 248Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply 249incredible surgical feat." 250 The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the 251Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of 252that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an 253architect." 254 The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said, 255"Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?" 256% 257A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. 258 -- Ogden Nash 259% 260A dozen, a gross, and a score, 261Plus three times the square root of four, 262 Divided by seven, 263 Plus five times eleven, 264Equals nine squared plus zero, no more. 265% 266A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a 267Xerox 1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser. 268Wanting to help, the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network 269with the mouse, and asked "what do you see?" Very earnestly, the 270Undergraduate replied "I see a cursor." The Hacker then quickly 271pressed the boot toggle at the back of the keyboard, while 272simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head with a thick 273Interlisp Manual. The Undergraduate was then Enlightened. 274% 275A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the 276subject. 277 -- Winston Churchill 278% 279A fool must now and then be right by chance. 280% 281A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into 282superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education. 283 -- G. B. Shaw 284% 285A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block 286of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an 287elephant. 288% 289A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used. 290 -- D. Gries 291% 292A fractal is by definition a set for which the Hausdorff Besicovitch 293dimension strictly exceeds the topological dimension. 294 -- Mandelbrot, "The Fractal Geometry of Nature" 295% 296A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular. 297 -- Adlai Stevenson 298% 299A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than 300he could be elected Pope of Rome. Both high posts are reserved for men 301favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter 302facts of life in bandages of self-illusion. 303 -- H. L. Mencken 304% 305A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding 306ducks. 307 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 308% 309A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident. 310A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident. 311But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *____that ___had __to ____mean _________something*. 312 -- S. Morganstern, "The Silent Gondoliers" 313% 314A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort 315of). 316% 317A good question is never answered. It is not a bolt to be tightened 318into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the 319hope of greening the landscape of idea. 320 -- John Ciardi 321% 322A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely 323rearranging their prejudices. 324 -- William James 325% 326A great nation is any mob of people which produces at least one honest 327man a century. 328% 329A hypothetical paradox: 330 What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security 331team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of 332Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet? 333 -- Tom Galloway 334% 335A is for Amy who fell down the stairs, B is for Basil assaulted by bears. 336C is for Clair who wasted away, D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh. 337E is for Ernest who choked on a peach, F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech. 338G is for George, smothered under a rug, H is for Hector, done in by a thug. 339I is for Ida who drowned in the lake, J is for James who took lye, by mistake. 340K is for Kate who was struck with an axe, L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks. 341M is for Maud who was swept out to sea, N is for Nevil who died of ennui. 342O is for Olive, run through with an awl, P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl 343Q is for Quinton who sank in a mire, R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire. 344S is for Susan who parished of fits, T is for Titas who flew into bits. 345U is for Una who slipped down a drain, V is for Victor, squashed under a train. 346W is for Winnie, embedded in ice, X is for Xerxes, devoured by mice. 347Y is for Yoric whose head was bashed in, Z is for Zilla who drank too much gin. 348 -- Edward Gorey "The Gashlycrumb Tinies" 349% 350A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. 351% 352A jury consists of 12 persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer. 353 -- Robert Frost 354% 355A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction. 356% 357A lady with one of her ears applied 358To an open keyhole heard, inside, 359Two female gossips in converse free -- 360The subject engaging them was she. 361"I think", said one, "and my husband thinks 362That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!" 363As soon as no more of it she could hear 364The lady, indignant, removed her ear. 365"I will not stay," she said with a pout, 366"To hear my character lied about!" 367 -- Gopete Sherany 368% 369A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is 370not worth knowing. 371% 372A language that doesn't have everything is actually easier to program 373in than some that do. 374 -- Dennis M. Ritchie 375% 376A large number of installed systems work by fiat. That is, they work 377by being declared to work. 378 -- Anatol Holt 379% 380A Law of Computer Programming: 381 Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you 382will find the programmers cannot write in English. 383% 384A limerick packs laughs anatomical 385Into space that is quite economical. 386 But the good ones I've seen 387 So seldom are clean, 388And the clean ones so seldom are comical. 389% 390A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of 391nothing. 392 -- Alan Perlis 393% 394A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation. 395 -- H. H. Munroe, "Saki" 396% 397A long memory is the most subversive idea in America. 398% 399A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any 400price. 401% 402A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in 403his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and 404exceptional ability in that particular field." 405% 406A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths. 407 -- Steve Wright 408% 409A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I 410believe everything positively stinks. 411 -- Lew Col 412% 413 A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The 414first thing he notices is that the arms are too long. 415 "No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow 416and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine." 417 "But the collar is up around my ears!" 418 "It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a 419little more ... that's it." 420 "But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation. 421 "Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you 422go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly." 423 So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the 424street. Reba and Florence see him go by. 425 "Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!" 426 "Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit." 427 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 428% 429A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!" 430 431"However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a 432sense of obligation." 433 -- Stephen Crane 434% 435A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package. 436% 437 A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his 438novices. "The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how 439insignificant," said the master. 440 441 "Is Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice. 442 443 "It is," came the reply. 444 445 "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice. 446 447 "It is even in a video game," said the master. 448 449 "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?" 450 451 The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The 452lesson is over for today," he said. 453 -- "The Tao of Programming" 454% 455A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems. 456% 457A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed 458on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new 459game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the 460pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly 461along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their 462heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn 463around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite 464direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the 465paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin 466colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins 467fall over gently onto their backs. 468 469 -- Audubon Society Magazine 470 471 472[From the BBC, 2001-02-02: 473 For five weeks, a team from the British Antarctic Survey (BAS) 474monitored 1,000 king penguins on the island of South Georgia as Lynx 475helicopters passed overhead. 476 "Not one king penguin fell over when the helicopters came over," 477said team leader Dr. Richard Stone. 478 "As the aircraft approached, the birds went quiet and stopped 479calling to each other, and adolescent birds that were not associated 480with nests began walking away from the noise. Pure animal instinct, 481really." 482 The conclusion, said Dr. Stone, is that flights over 305 metres 483(1,000 feet) caused "only minor and transitory ecological effects" on 484king penguins.] 485% 486 A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at 487the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the 488pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite 489nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if ..." 490 "If what?" asked the composer. 491 "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?" 492% 493A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey. "It is out 494on loan," the teacher replied. At that moment, the donkey brayed 495loudly inside the stable. "But I can hear it bray, over there." "Whom 496do you believe," asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?" 497% 498A new dramatist of the absurd 499Has a voice that will shortly be heard. 500 I learn from my spies 501 He's about to devise 502An unprintable three-letter word. 503% 504A new koan: 505 506 If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you. 507 508 If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you. 509 510It is an ice cream koan. 511% 512A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary. 513Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a round tuit now 514has no excuse for further procrastination. 515% 516A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the movies 517insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the 518right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them. 519% 520A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the 521rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion. 522% 523 A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which 524removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to 525doing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous 526amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware 527limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the 528larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient 529power-down sequence. 530 An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the 531building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has 532bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer 533cool. 534% 535A novice was trying to fix a broken Lisp machine by turning the power 536off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly: 537"You can not fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no 538understanding of what is going wrong." Knight turned the machine off 539and on. The machine worked. 540% 541A nuclear war can ruin your whole day. 542% 543A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space. 544 -- Gloria Steinem 545% 546A penny saved is ridiculous. 547% 548A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry. 549% 550A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms. 551 -- George Wald 552% 553A pig is a jolly companion, 554Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt -- 555A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale, 556Though mountains may topple and tilt. 557When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you, 558When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig, 559Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover, 560You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig, 561You'll never go wrong with a pig! 562 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" 563% 564 A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling 565 by Mark Twain 566 567 For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped 568to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer 569be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained 570would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 571might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the 572same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with 573"i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all. 574 Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear 575with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 576or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. 577Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi 578ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz 579ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli. 580 Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud 581hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld. 582% 583A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil! 584 -- Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Sumatra" 585% 586A priest asked: What is Fate, Master? 587 588And the Master answered: 589 590It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence. 591 592It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs. 593 594It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City to City 595upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns have come 596to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness. 597 598And that is Fate? said the priest. 599 600Fate ... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master. 601 602That's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know what Freight was 603too. 604 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 605% 606 A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came 607upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. 608"That's what I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow 609man". 610 As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, 611he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing." 612% 613A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. 614% 615A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis 616of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite 617series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric 618precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from 619inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical 620accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality 621for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly 622defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the 623information in the first place. 624 -- IEEE Grid news magazine 625% 626A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that 627your wife will give you for free. 628% 629A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be 630too heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which 631was intended for her preservation. 632 -- Colton 633% 634A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as 635"you could blow it in" may be blown in. This rule does not apply if 636the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants 637to make a travesty of the game. 638 -- Donald A. Metz 639% 640A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results blacked 641out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon. 642 -- Steel City News 643% 644A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives. 645% 646A reading from the Book of Armaments, Chapter 4, Verses 16 to 20: 647 648Then did he raise on high the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, saying, 649"Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny 650bits, in thy mercy." And the people did rejoice and did feast upon the 651lambs and toads and tree-sloths and fruit-bats and orangutans and 652breakfast cereals ... Now did the Lord say, "First thou pullest the 653Holy Pin. Then thou must count to three. Three shall be the number of 654the counting and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt 655thou not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then 656proceedeth to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being 657the number of the counting, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand 658Grenade in the direction of thine foe, who, being naughty in my sight, 659shall snuff it." 660 -- Monty Python, "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" 661% 662A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices 663that the system works. 664% 665A real person has two reasons for doing anything ... a good reason and 666the real reason. 667% 668A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen 669objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer 670scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added 671concentration needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three 672dimensional objects ... 673% 674A Riverside, California, health ordinance states that two persons may 675not kiss each other without first wiping their lips with carbolized 676rosewater. 677% 678A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man 679contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral. 680 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery 681% 682A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will 683keep him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those 684that are worth committing. 685 -- Samuel Butler 686% 687 A Severe Strain on the Credulity 688 689As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the highest 690parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket 691is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one 692considers the multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one 693begins to doubt ... for after the rocket quits our air and really 694starts on its journey, its flight would be neither accelerated nor 695maintained by the explosion of the charges it then might have left. 696Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in Clark College and countenancing 697of the Smithsonian Institution, does not know the relation of action to 698re-action, and of the need to have something better than a vacuum 699against which to react ... Of course he only seems to lack the 700knowledge ladled out daily in high schools. 701 -- New York Times Editorial, 1920 702% 703A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard. 704 -- Prof. Steiner 705% 706... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he 707was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity. 708 -- Mark Twain 709% 710A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows. 711 -- O'Henry 712% 713A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many 714bad measures. 715 -- Daniel Webster 716% 717A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an 718exam. 719% 720A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to 721Greenblatt. As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by. "Is it 722true," asked the student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as 723Lisp?" Almost before the student had finished his question, Greenblatt 724shouted, "FOO!", and hit the student with a stick. 725% 726A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something 727undreamed of by its author. 728 -- S. C. Johnson 729% 730A system admin's life is a sorry one. The only advantage he has over 731Emergency Room doctors is that malpractice suits are rare. On the 732other hand, ER doctors never have to deal with patients installing 733new versions of their own innards! 734 -- Michael O'Brien 735% 736A tautology is a thing which is tautological. 737% 738A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, 739and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others. 740 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 741% 742A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by 743blowing first. 744% 745A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene 746triangle. 747% 748A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. 749% 750A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest 751in students. 752 -- John Ciardi 753% 754A University without students is like an ointment without a fly. 755 -- Ed Nather, professor of astronomy at UT Austin 756% 757A UNIX saleslady, Lenore, 758Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more. 759 She found a good way 760 To combine work and play: 761She sells C shells by the seashore. 762% 763A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature 764replaces it with. 765 -- Tennessee Williams 766% 767A very intelligent turtle 768Found programming UNIX a hurdle 769 The system, you see, 770 Ran as slow as did he, 771And that's not saying much for the turtle. 772% 773A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without 774getting nervous. 775% 776A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets 777people's attention. 778% 779A witty saying proves nothing. 780 -- Voltaire 781% 782A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to 783admit, let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact 784remains that there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one 785reason or another, completely immune to any direct magical spell. It 786is for this group of beings that the magician learns the subtleties of 787using indirect spells. It also does no harm, in dealing with these 788matters, to carry a large club near your person at all times. 789 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII 790% 791A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God. 792% 793A.A.A.A.A.: 794 An organization for drunks who drive 795% 796AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!! 797You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room! 798% 799Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy. 800% 801About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends. 802 -- Herbert Hoover 803% 804Absence makes the heart go wander. 805% 806Absent, adj.: 807 Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed; 808slandered. 809% 810Absentee, n.: 811 A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove 812himself from the sphere of exaction. 813 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 814% 815Abstainer, n.: 816 A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a 817pleasure. 818 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 819% 820Absurdity, n.: 821 A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own 822opinion. 823 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 824% 825Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, 826because the stakes are so low. 827 -- Wallace Sayre 828% 829Accident, n.: 830 A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of 831body is better. 832 -- Foolish Dictionary 833% 834Accidents cause History. 835 836If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the 837Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not 838have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil 839could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and 840the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd. 841 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 842% 843According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest: "No person 844shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than 845fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening 846of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of 847the returns." 848% 849According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath at least 850once a year. 851% 852According to my best recollection, I don't remember. 853 -- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo 854% 855According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are 856totally worthless. 857% 858According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never 859dies. 860% 861According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to 862live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came 863in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much. 864Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime. 865 -- David Letterman 866% 867Accordion, n.: 868 A bagpipe with pleats. 869% 870Accuracy, n.: 871 The vice of being right. 872% 873 ACHTUNG!!! 874 875Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy 876schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit 877spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das 878rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und 879vatch das blinkenlights!!! 880% 881Acid -- better living through chemistry. 882% 883Acid absorbs 47 times its weight in excess Reality. 884% 885Acquaintance, n.: 886 A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well 887enough to lend to. 888 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 889% 890Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing. 891% 892Actor: "I'm a smash hit. Why, yesterday during the last act, I had 893 everyone glued in their seats!" 894Oliver Herford: "Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of 895 it!" 896% 897Actor: So what do you do for a living? 898Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving 899 dishes for Chinese restaurants. 900 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 901% 902Actors will happen even in the best-regulated families. 903% 904ADA, n.: 905 Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in 906Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA 907awareness." 908 -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984 909% 910Admiration, n.: 911 Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. 912 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 913% 914Adolescence, n.: 915 The stage between puberty and adultery. 916% 917Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look 918like you ... 919 -- Gilda Radner 920% 921Adore, v.: 922 To venerate expectantly. 923 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 924% 925Adult, n.: 926 One old enough to know better. 927% 928Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest 929way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless. 930 -- Sinclair Lewis 931% 932Advice to young men: Be ascetic, and if you can't be ascetic, 933then at least be aseptic. 934% 935After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose 936names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary 937Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted 938many important electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi 939Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two 940different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current 941developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer 942attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led 943to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today, 944skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously 945injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it 946hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact 947that it sinks like a stone. 948 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 949% 950After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out. 951It was replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life 952more advanced than the lichen family. 953 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do" 954% 955After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn. 956% 957... After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known 958quotations. 959 -- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare 960% 961After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not 962for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have 963simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. 964 -- P. J. O'Rourke 965% 966After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found 967on the bench. 968% 969 After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from 970Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, 971and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon 972to be created." 973 "This is true," He replied. 974 "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly. 975 "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the 976right to make his laws?" 977 "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to 978make his own." 979 It was so granted. 980 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 981% 982After I asked him what he meant, he replied that freedom consisted of 983the unimpeded right to get rich, to use his ability, no matter what the 984cost to others, to win advancement. 985 -- Norman Thomas 986% 987After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK? 988% 989After living in New York, you trust nobody, but you believe 990everything. Just in case. 991% 992After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access 993cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been 994removed. 995% 996Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a 997change. 998% 999Afternoon, n.: 1000 That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the 1001morning. 1002% 1003Age before beauty; and pearls before swine. 1004 -- Dorothy Parker 1005% 1006Age, n.: 1007 That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we 1008still cherish by reviling those that we no longer have the enterprise 1009to commit. 1010 -- Ambrose Bierce 1011% 1012Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball. 1013% 1014Ah, but the choice of dreams to live, 1015there's the rub. 1016 1017For all dreams are not equal, 1018some exit to nightmare 1019most end with the dreamer 1020 1021But at least one must be lived ... and died. 1022% 1023Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the 1024Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact 1025that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately 1026unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep 1027up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers. 1028 -- A analysis of Neo-Nazis, from "The Badger" comic 1029% 1030Air is water with holes in it. 1031% 1032Alas, I am dying beyond my means. 1033 -- Oscar Wilde, as he sipped champagne on his deathbed 1034% 1035Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire 1036telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New 1037York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? 1038And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they 1039receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat." 1040% 1041Alden's Laws: 1042 (1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause 1043 of pregnancy. 1044 (2) Always be backlit. 1045 (3) Sit down whenever possible. 1046% 1047Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall, 1048Aleph-null bottles of beer, 1049 You take one down, and pass it around, 1050Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall. 1051% 1052Alex Haley was adopted! 1053% 1054Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting 1055for a dial tone. 1056% 1057Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of 1058them keeps paying for it. 1059 -- Peggy Joyce 1060% 1061All [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent 1062upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a 1063visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is 1064informing, stimulating and ennobling. 1065 -- H. L. Mencken 1066% 1067All bridge hands are equally likely, but some are more equally likely 1068than others. 1069 -- Alan Truscott 1070% 1071All extremists should be taken out and shot. 1072% 1073All Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing 1074without thinking. 1075% 1076"All flesh is grass" 1077 -- Isaiah 1078Smoke a friend today. 1079% 1080All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. 1081% 1082All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own 1083importance. 1084% 1085All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled 1086by an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS ... 1087% 1088All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power. 1089 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 1090% 1091All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are 1092Socrates. 1093 -- Woody Allen 1094% 1095All my friends and I are crazy. That's the only thing that keeps us sane. 1096% 1097All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more 1098specific. 1099 -- Jane Wagner 1100% 1101All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies. 1102 -- The Book of Bokonon / Kurt Vonnegut Jr. 1103% 1104All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of 1105the United States. 1106 -- Vic Gold 1107% 1108All power corrupts, but we need electricity. 1109% 1110All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors. 1111% 1112All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of 1113every organism to live beyond its income. 1114 -- Samuel Butler, "Notebooks" 1115% 1116All science is either physics or stamp collecting. 1117 -- E. Rutherford 1118% 1119All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right 1120hands. 1121 -- Saint Patrick 1122% 1123All syllogisms have three parts; therefore this is not a syllogism. 1124% 1125All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, 1126too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you 1127subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you 1128can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S. 1129Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax 1130decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What 1131if it rains?" 1132 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" 1133% 1134... all the modern inconveniences ... 1135 -- Mark Twain 1136% 1137All the passions make us commit faults; love makes us commit the most 1138ridiculous ones. 1139 -- La Rochefoucauld 1140% 1141All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by 1142the government in less than a second. 1143 -- Jim Fiebig 1144% 1145All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed. 1146 -- Sean O'Casey 1147% 1148All the world's a VAX, 1149And all the coders merely butchers; 1150They have their exits and their entrails; 1151And one int in his time plays many widths, 1152His sizeof being _N bytes. At first the infant, 1153Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms. 1154And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun, 1155And shining morning face, creeping like slug 1156Unwillingly to school. 1157 -- A Very Annoyed PDP-11 1158% 1159All theoretical chemistry is really physics; 1160and all theoretical chemists know it. 1161 -- Richard P. Feynman 1162% 1163All things are possible, except skiing thru a revolving door. 1164% 1165All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for 1166fun. Money's just the way we keep score. 1167 -- Henry Tyroon 1168% 1169All true wisdom is found on T-shirts. 1170% 1171All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers ... Each one owes 1172infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in 1173which he was born. 1174 -- Francois Fenelon 1175% 1176Alliance, n.: 1177 In international politics, the union of two thieves who have 1178their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot 1179separately plunder a third. 1180 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1181% 1182Alone, adj.: 1183 In bad company. 1184 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1185% 1186Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight 1187Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. 1188 -- Dave Barry 1189% 1190Although the moon is smaller than the earth, it is farther away. 1191% 1192Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios, 1193mixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have 1194any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place 1195to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer, 1196Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lighting storm and received a 1197serious electrical shock. This proved that lighting was powered by the 1198same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely 1199that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as "A 1200penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he had to be given a job 1201running the post office. 1202 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 1203% 1204Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been 1205reissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the 1206day-to-day life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable 1207interest to outdoor minded readers, as it contains many passages on 1208pheasant-raising, the apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin, 1209and other chores and duties of the professional gamekeeper. 1210Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade through many pages of extraneous 1211material in order to discover and savour those sidelights on the 1212management of a midland shooting estate, and in this reviewer's opinion 1213the book cannot take the place of J. R. Miller's "Practical 1214Gamekeeping." 1215 -- Ed Zern, "Field and Stream" (Nov. 1959) 1216% 1217Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid 1218back. 1219% 1220Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else. 1221% 1222Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing 1223that way. 1224% 1225Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves. 1226% 1227 AMAZING BUT TRUE ... 1228 1229If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end 1230across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful. 1231% 1232 AMAZING BUT TRUE ... 1233 1234There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it 1235would completely cover the Sahara Desert. 1236% 1237Ambidextrous, adj.: 1238 Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left. 1239 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1240% 1241Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. 1242 -- Charlie McCarthy 1243% 1244America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism 1245to decadence without touching civilization. 1246 -- John O'Hara 1247% 1248America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, 1249until people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and 1250changed its name to "America". 1251 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 1252% 1253American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective 1254employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for 1255employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference 1256between the men's room and the women's room without having little 1257pictures on the doors. 1258 -- Dave Barry, "Urine Trouble, Mister" 1259% 1260Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it. 1261% 1262An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because 1263people refuse to see it. 1264 -- James Michener, "Space" 1265% 1266An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but 1267is always polite to traffic cops. 1268% 1269An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to 1270New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but 1271not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax. 1272 -- David Letterman 1273% 1274An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away. 1275% 1276 An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He 1277knows he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with 1278great restraint. 1279 As he designs the first work, frill after frill and 1280embellishment after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away 1281to be used "next time". Sooner or later the first system is finished, 1282and the architect, with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of 1283that class of systems, is ready to build a second system. 1284 This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs. 1285When he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will 1286confirm each other as to the general characteristics of such systems, 1287and their differences will identify those parts of his experience that 1288are particular and not generalizable. 1289 The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using 1290all the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first 1291one. The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile". 1292 -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month" 1293% 1294An artist should be fit for the best society and keep out of it. 1295% 1296An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree 1297murder. "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuffing his lover's 1298mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border. 1299Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the 1300suitcase. Now, I would like to stress that my client is *not* a 1301murderer. A sloppy packer, maybe..." 1302% 1303An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you 1304really care to know. 1305% 1306An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible. 1307% 1308An elephant is a mouse with an operating system. 1309% 1310An English judge, growing weary of the barrister's long-winded 1311summation, leaned over the bench and remarked, "I've heard your 1312arguments, Sir Geoffrey, and I'm none the wiser!" Sir Geoffrey 1313responded, "That may be, Milord, but at least you're better informed!" 1314% 1315An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose. 1316 -- A. P. Herbert 1317% 1318An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch. He 1319wears a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is 1320advertised only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and 1321Rich Protestant Golfer Magazine. The advertisements are written in 1322incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote 1323excellence: 1324 1325The Rolex Hyperion. An elegant new standard in quality excellence and 1326discriminating handcraftsmanship. For the individual who is truly able 1327to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting 1328things by hand. Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold. No watch 1329parts or anything. Just a great big chunk on your wrist. Truly a 1330timeless statement. For the individual who is very secure. Who 1331doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful. 1332Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high 1333school. Because of his acne. People who are probably nowhere near as 1334successful as he is now. Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and 1335they'll see his Rolex Hyperion. Hahahahahahahahaha. 1336 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 1337% 1338An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future. 1339% 1340... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often 1341picturesque liar. 1342 -- Mark Twain 1343% 1344An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God. Some of these 1345eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as 1346possible. 1347 -- Russell Hoban, "Pilgermann" 1348% 1349An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it. 1350% 1351 An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity 1352in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him. 1353 "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if 1354you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like 1355an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an 1356hour seems like a minute." 1357 The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a 1358moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?" 1359 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 1360% 1361An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge. 1362% 1363Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no 1364government at all. 1365% 1366And as we stand on the edge of darkness 1367Let our chant fill the void 1368That others may know 1369 1370 In the land of the night 1371 The ship of the sun 1372 Is drawn by 1373 The grateful dead. 1374 1375 -- Tibetan "Book of the Dead," ca. 4000 BC. 1376% 1377... and furthermore ... I don't like your trousers. 1378% 1379And I heard Jeff exclaim, 1380As they strolled out of sight, 1381"Merry Christmas to all -- 1382You take credit cards, right?" 1383 -- "Outsiders" comic 1384% 1385... And malt does more than Milton can 1386To justify God's ways to man 1387 -- A. E. Housman 1388% 1389And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode. 1390% 1391... And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of 1392your own. 1393 -- "Scoop" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter 1394 Preposterous Words 1395% 1396And so, men, we can see that human skin is an even more complex and 1397fascinating organ than we thought it was, and if we want to keep it 1398looking good, we have to care for it as though it were our own. One 1399approach is to undergo a painful surgical procedure wherein your skin 1400is turned inside-out, so the young cells are on the outside, but then 1401of course you have the unpleasant side effect that your insides 1402gradually fill up with dead old cells and you explode. So this 1403procedure is pretty much limited to top Hollywood stars for whom 1404youthful beauty is a career necessity, such as Elizabeth Taylor and 1405Orson Welles. 1406 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face" 1407% 1408...and the fully armed nuclear warheads, are, of course, merely a 1409courtesy detail. 1410% 1411And this is a table ma'am. What in essence it consists of is a 1412horizontal rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical 1413columnar supports, which we call legs. The tables in this laboratory, 1414ma'am, are as advanced in design as one will find anywhere in the 1415world. 1416 -- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men" 1417% 1418 "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?" 1419asked the father of his little son. 1420 "Diet." 1421% 1422And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have 1423a sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks 1424tragedy, and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets 1425tragedy face to face, we have politics. 1426 -- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland, "Root Crops and 1427 Ground Cover" 1428% 1429Andrea: Unhappy the land that has no heroes. 1430Galileo: No, unhappy the land that _____needs heroes. 1431 -- Bertholt Brecht, "Life of Galileo" 1432% 1433Angels we have heard on High 1434Tell us to go out and Buy. 1435 -- Tom Lehrer 1436% 1437Ankh if you love Isis. 1438% 1439Anoint, v.: 1440 To grease a king or other great functionary already 1441sufficiently slippery. 1442 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1443% 1444 Another Glitch in the Call 1445 ------- ------ -- --- ---- 1446 (Sung to the tune of a recent Pink Floyd song.) 1447 1448We don't need no indirection 1449We don't need no flow control 1450No data typing or declarations 1451Did you leave the lists alone? 1452 1453 Hey! Hacker! Leave those lists alone! 1454 1455Chorus: 1456 All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call. 1457 All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call. 1458% 1459Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree. 1460% 1461Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but 1462television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom 1463and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that 1464offers whiter teeth *___and* fresher breath. 1465 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do" 1466% 1467 Answers to Last Fortune's Questions: 1468 1469(1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark). 1470(2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle. 1471(3) I don't know. 1472(4) Who cares? 1473(5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk, 1474 Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5. 1475(6) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my 1476 book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and 1477 bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of 1478 Papyrus Books). 1479% 1480Anthony's Law of Force: 1481 Don't force it; get a larger hammer. 1482% 1483Anthony's Law of the Workshop: 1484 Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible 1485 corner of the workshop. 1486 1487Corollary: 1488 On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike 1489 your toes. 1490% 1491Antonym, n.: 1492 The opposite of the word you're trying to think of. 1493% 1494Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art. 1495 -- Charles McCabe 1496% 1497Any dramatic series the producers want us to take seriously as a 1498representation of contemporary reality cannot be taken seriously as a 1499representation of anything -- except a show to be ignored by anyone 1500capable of sitting upright in a chair and chewing gum simultaneously. 1501 -- Richard Schickel 1502% 1503Any excuse will serve a tyrant. 1504 -- Aesop 1505% 1506Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that 1507this country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a 1508whole week. 1509% 1510Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to 1511sell it. 1512% 1513Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche 1514-- a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance, 1515my grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off 1516the fence." I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was 1517undoubtedly true. 1518 -- Solomon Short 1519% 1520Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there. 1521 -- Sydney J. Harris 1522% 1523Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger 1524object. 1525% 1526Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to 1527exactly the point of most pressure. 1528 -- Milt Barber 1529% 1530Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature. 1531 -- Rich Kulawiec 1532% 1533Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged 1534demo. 1535% 1536Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. 1537 -- Arthur C. Clarke 1538% 1539Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked 1540something. 1541% 1542Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours. 1543 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. 1544% 1545Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. 1546% 1547Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is 1548probably parked. 1549% 1550Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire. 1551% 1552Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is 1553supposed to be doing at the moment. 1554 -- Robert Benchley 1555% 1556Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm. 1557 -- Publius Syrus 1558% 1559Anyone can make an omelet with eggs. The trick is to make one with 1560none. 1561% 1562Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he 1563is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not 1564make messes in the house. 1565 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 1566% 1567Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. 1568 -- Samuel Goldwyn 1569% 1570Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad. 1571 -- W. C. Fields 1572% 1573Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no 1574account be allowed to do the job. 1575 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 1576% 1577Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never 1578tried taking candy from a baby. 1579 -- Robin Hood 1580% 1581Anything free is worth what you pay for it. 1582% 1583Anything is good if it's made of chocolate. 1584% 1585Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. The label means the 1586price went up. The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW" 1587means the price went way up. 1588% 1589Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate. 1590% 1591Anything worth doing is worth overdoing. 1592% 1593Apathy is not the problem, it's the solution. 1594% 1595Aphorism, n.: 1596 A concise, clever statement. 1597Afterism, n.: 1598 A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late. 1599 -- James Alexander Thom 1600% 1601APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of 1602the future for the problems of the past: it creates a new generation of 1603coding bums. 1604% 1605APL is a write-only language. I can write programs in APL, but I 1606can't read any of them. 1607 -- Roy Keir 1608% 1609Aquadextrous, adj.: 1610 Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off 1611with your toes. 1612 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 1613% 1614AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) 1615 You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. 1616 You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to 1617 be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same 1618 mistakes over and over again. People think you are stupid. 1619% 1620Arbitrary systems, pl.n.: 1621 Systems about which nothing general can be said, save "nothing 1622general can be said." 1623% 1624ARCHDUKE FERDINAND FOUND ALIVE -- 1625 FIRST WORLD WAR A MISTAKE 1626% 1627Are you a turtle? 1628% 1629Arguments with furniture are rarely productive. 1630 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 1631% 1632ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19) 1633 You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You 1634 are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are 1635 not very nice. 1636% 1637Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your 1638shoes. 1639 -- Mickey Mouse 1640% 1641Armadillo: 1642 To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle 1643% 1644Arnold's Laws of Documentation: 1645 (1) If it should exist, it doesn't. 1646 (2) If it does exist, it's out of date. 1647 (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the 1648 first two laws. 1649% 1650Around computers it is difficult to find the correct unit of time to 1651measure progress. Some cathedrals took a century to complete. Can you 1652imagine the grandeur and scope of a program that would take as long? 1653 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 1654% 1655Art is anything you can get away with. 1656 -- Marshall McLuhan. 1657% 1658Art is either plagiarism or revolution. 1659 -- Paul Gauguin 1660% 1661Arthur's Laws of Love: 1662 (1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you 1663 remind them of someone else. 1664 (2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be 1665 delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of 1666 yourself in person. 1667% 1668Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum. 1669% 1670As a professional humorist, I often get letters from readers who are 1671interested in the basic nature of humor. "What kind of a sick 1672perverted disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask, 1673"that you make jokes about setting fire to a goat?" 1674 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" 1675% 1676As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual 1677certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I 1678became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can 1679meet girls. 1680 -- Matt Cartmill 1681% 1682As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not 1683certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. 1684 -- Albert Einstein 1685% 1686As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. 1687 -- Weisert 1688% 1689As I was going up Punch Card Hill, 1690 Feeling worse and worser, 1691There I met a C.R.T. 1692 And it drop't me a cursor. 1693 1694C.R.T., C.R.T., 1695 Phosphors light on you! 1696If I had fifty hours a day 1697 I'd spend them all at you. 1698 1699 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes 1700% 1701As I was passing Project MAC, 1702I met a Quux with seven hacks. 1703Every hack had seven bugs; 1704Every bug had seven manifestations; 1705Every manifestation had seven symptoms. 1706Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks, 1707How many losses at Project MAC? 1708% 1709As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great 1710industries are secure. We hear about constitutional rights, free 1711speech and the free press. Every time I hear these words I say to 1712myself, "That man is a Red, that man is a Communist". You never hear a 1713real American talk like that. 1714 -- Frank Hague (1896-1956) 1715% 1716As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong? 1717% 1718As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its 1719fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be 1720popular. 1721 -- Oscar Wilde 1722% 1723As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code. 1724% 1725As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 1726programs; a process that traditionally requires some debugging. 1727 -- USA Today, referring to the IRS switchover to a new 1728 computer system. 1729% 1730As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it 1731wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had 1732to be discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized 1733that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in 1734finding mistakes in my own programs. 1735 -- Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949 1736% 1737As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably because it's 1738so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. 1739 -- Woody Allen 1740% 1741As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there 1742is always a future in Computer Maintenance. 1743 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 1744% 1745As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such thing as a free 1746variable." 1747% 1748As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple 1749memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time 1750to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A, 1751E, or U is the proper time for chocolate. 1752 -- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion" 1753% 1754As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would 1755interfere with flight. [In fact, this was the big breakthrough for the 1756Wright Brothers. They were watching birds one day, trying to figure 1757out how to get their crude machine to fly, when suddenly it dawned on 1758Wilbur. "Orville," he said, "all we have to do is remove the sexual 1759organs!" You should have seen their original design.] As a result, 1760birds are very, very difficult to arouse sexually. You almost never 1761see an aroused bird. So when they want to reproduce, birds fly up and 1762stand on telephone lines, where they monitor telephone conversations 1763with their feet. When they find a conversation in which people are 1764talking dirty, they grip the line very tightly until they are both 1765highly aroused, at which point the female gets pregnant. 1766 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every 1767 Teen Should Know" 1768% 1769As you reach for the web, a venomous spider appears. Unable to pull 1770your hand away in time, the spider promptly, but politely, bites you. 1771The venom takes affect quickly causing your lips to turn plaid along 1772with your complexion. You become dazed, and in your stupor you fall 1773from the limbs of the tree. Snap! Your head falls off and rolls all 1774over the ground. The instant before you croak, you hear the whoosh of 1775a vacuum being filled by the air surrounding your head. Worse yet, the 1776spider is suing you for damages. 1777% 1778As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself." 1779% 1780ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS. 1781% 1782Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if 1783one went to Harvard). 1784 -- Edgar R. Fiedler 1785% 1786Ask not for whom the <CONTROL-G> tolls. 1787% 1788Ask Not for whom the Bell Tolls, and You will Pay only the 1789Station-to-Station rate. 1790% 1791Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls ... if thou art in the 1792bathtub, it tolls for thee. 1793% 1794Ask your boss to reconsider -- it's so difficult to take "Go to hell" 1795for an answer. 1796% 1797Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old 1798woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, `The way I look at it, 1799she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds.' 1800 -- David Letterman 1801% 1802Ass, n.: 1803 The masculine of "lass". 1804% 1805Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve. 1806Run with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be 1807strengthened. Keep the company of bums and you will become a bum. 1808Hang around with rich people and you will end by picking up the check 1809and dying broke. 1810 -- Stanley Walker 1811% 1812At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from Los 1813Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head 1814under the exhaust of a bus until he revived. 1815% 1816At any given moment, an arrow must be either where it is or where it is 1817not. But obviously it cannot be where it is not. And if it is where 1818it is, that is equivalent to saying that it is at rest. 1819 -- Zeno's paradox of the moving (still?) arrow 1820% 1821At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial 1822challenge roughly comparable to herding cats. 1823 -- The Washington Post Magazine, June 9, 1985 1824% 1825... at least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand. 1826 -- J. B. White 1827% 1828At least they're ___________EXPERIENCED incompetents 1829% 1830At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his 1831thumb with a hammer. 1832 -- Marshall Lumsden 1833% 1834At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will 1835find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on 1836the computer. 1837% 1838Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole 1839or street lamp. 1840% 1841Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason. 1842 -- Winston Churchill 1843% 1844Authors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whatever 1845depths they were once able to plumb. 1846 -- Stanley Kaufman 1847% 1848Automobile, n.: 1849 A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians. 1850% 1851Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep. 1852 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 1853% 1854Avoid reality at all costs. 1855% 1856Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but 1857we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you. 1858 -- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a student entering 1859 school in the fall after the Kent State shootings 1860% 1861Bacchus, n.: 1862 A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for 1863getting drunk. 1864 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1865% 1866Bagbiter: 1867 1. n.; Equipment or program that fails, usually 1868intermittently. 2. adj.: Failing hardware or software. "This 1869bagbiting system won't let me get out of spacewar." Usage: verges on 1870obscenity. Grammatically separable; one may speak of "biting the 1871bag". Synonyms: LOSER, LOSING, CRETINOUS, BLETCHEROUS, BARFUCIOUS, 1872CHOMPER, CHOMPING. 1873% 1874Bagdikian's Observation: 1875 Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American 1876newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a 1877ukulele. 1878% 1879Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry: 1880 A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides 1881by governors. 1882% 1883Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare. 1884% 1885Banectomy, n.: 1886 The removal of bruises on a banana. 1887 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 1888% 1889Bank error in your favor. Collect $200. 1890% 1891Barach's Rule: 1892 An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician. 1893% 1894Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they point upward from the 1895floor -- especially in the dark. 1896% 1897Barometer, n.: 1898 An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we 1899are having. 1900 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1901% 1902Barth's Distinction: 1903 There are two types of people: those who divide people into two 1904types, and those who don't. 1905% 1906Baruch's Observation: 1907 If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. 1908% 1909Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game -- it, and high 1910taxes. 1911 -- Will Rogers 1912% 1913Basic is a high level languish. 1914APL is a high level anguish. 1915% 1916BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of `Scientific Creationism'. 1917% 1918BASIC, n.: 1919 A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in 1920that those who have it will not admit it in polite company. 1921% 1922Bathquake, n.: 1923 The violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water 1924faucet is turned on to a certain point. 1925 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 1926% 1927Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your 1928door. 1929% 1930BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts ...) 1931% 1932Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely 1933get your Feet wet. Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your 1934face. 1935 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 1936% 1937Be braver -- you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps. 1938% 1939Be careful of reading health books. You might die of a misprint. 1940 -- Mark Twain 1941% 1942Be different: conform. 1943% 1944Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so 1945get used to it. 1946% 1947Be security conscious -- National Defense is at stake. 1948% 1949Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and 1950miss 1951 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 1952% 1953Bees are very busy souls 1954They have no time for birth controls 1955And that is why in times like these 1956There are so many Sons of Bees. 1957% 1958 Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and 1959took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his 1960followers. 1961 One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and 1962there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing. 1963 "Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his 1964commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your 1965Purpose in Life, anyway?" 1966 Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The 1967Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.) 1968 Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened. 1969 Primarily because nobody understood Chinese. 1970 -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters" 1971% 1972Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego. 1973% 1974Begathon, n.: 1975 A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so 1976you won't have to watch commercials. 1977% 1978Behold the warranty ... the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh 1979away. 1980% 1981Beifeld's Principle: 1982 The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and 1983receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is 1984already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better 1985looking and richer male friend. 1986% 1987"Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!" <huff, huff> 1988% 1989Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone. 1990% 1991Bennett's Laws of Horticulture: 1992 (1) Houses are for people to live in. 1993 (2) Gardens are for plants to live in. 1994 (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant. 1995% 1996Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence. 1997 -- Time Bandits 1998% 1999Besides the device, the box should contain: 2000 2001* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING" 2002 2003* A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two 2004 club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns. 2005 2006YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram 2007cable. 2008 2009IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your 2010spouse and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car 2011that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King 2012without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's 2013why." 2014 2015WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret. 2016 -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!" 2017% 2018Best of all is never to have been born. Second best is to die soon. 2019% 2020better !pout !cry 2021better watchout 2022lpr why 2023santa claus <north pole >town 2024 2025cat /etc/passwd >list 2026ncheck list 2027ncheck list 2028cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist 2029cat list | grep nice >giftlist 2030santa claus <north pole > town 2031 2032who | grep sleeping 2033who | grep awake 2034who | egrep 'bad|good' 2035for (goodness sake) { 2036 be good 2037} 2038% 2039Better dead than mellow. 2040% 2041Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson 2042Bay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. 2043Using a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and 2044great effort pushing boulders into a single word. 2045 2046It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow. 2047Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin 2048equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the 2049destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass 2050both Parliament and Party. 2051 2052It stands today, a monument to human spirit. If life exists on other 2053planets, this may be the first message received from us. 2054 -- The Realist, November, 1964. 2055% 2056Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not 2057tried it. 2058 -- Donald Knuth 2059% 2060Beware of computerized fortune-tellers! 2061% 2062Beware of low-flying butterflies. 2063% 2064Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers. 2065 -- Leonard Brandwein 2066% 2067Beware of self-styled experts: an ex is a has-been, and a spurt is a 2068drip under pressure. 2069% 2070Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and 2071finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full of 2072murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by 2073their ignorance the hard way. 2074 -- Kurt Vonnegut, "Cat's Cradle" 2075% 2076Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but 2077nothing of interest is easy. 2078% 2079Binary, adj.: 2080 Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes. 2081% 2082Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same 2083thing as division. 2084% 2085Bipolar, adj.: 2086 Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo, 2087New York 2088% 2089Birth, n.: 2090 The first and direst of all disasters. 2091 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2092% 2093Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic. 2094% 2095Bizoos, n.: 2096 The millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a 2097basketball. 2098 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 2099% 2100... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ... 2101% 2102Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt. 2103 -- Herbert Hoover 2104% 2105Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, 2106for they Shall be Known as Wheels. 2107% 2108BLISS is ignorance. 2109% 2110Blood flows down one leg and up the other. 2111% 2112Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier. 2113% 2114Blore's Razor: 2115 Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is 2116funnier. 2117% 2118Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in 2119plain sight. It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again. The legend has 2120it that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. In fact, he was 2121arrested for drunk driving. The snakes left because people kept 2122throwing up on them. 2123% 2124Boling's postulate: 2125 If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it. 2126% 2127Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom: 2128 Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so 2129vividly manifests their lack of progress. 2130% 2131Bombeck's Rule of Medicine: 2132 Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. 2133% 2134BOO! We changed Coke again! BLEAH! BLEAH! 2135% 2136Boob's Law: 2137 You always find something in the last place you look. 2138% 2139Bore, n.: 2140 A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary. 2141 -- Walter Winchell 2142% 2143Bore, n.: 2144 A person who talks when you wish him to listen. 2145 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2146% 2147Boren's Laws: 2148 (1) When in charge, ponder. 2149 (2) When in trouble, delegate. 2150 (3) When in doubt, mumble. 2151% 2152Boss, n.: 2153 According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages 2154the words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss, 2155in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an 2156ornamental stud." 2157% 2158Boston State House is the hub of the Solar System. You couldn't pry 2159that out of a Boston man if you had the tire of all creation 2160straightened out for a crowbar. 2161 -- O. W. Holmes 2162% 2163Boston, n.: 2164 Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for 2165finishing second in the Irish jig competition. 2166% 2167Boy, life takes a long time to live. 2168 -- Steven Wright 2169% 2170Boy, n.: 2171 A noise with dirt on it. 2172% 2173Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least 2174when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years. 2175 -- James Thurber 2176% 2177Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men. 2178 -- Kin Hubbard 2179% 2180Brace yourselves. We're about to try something that borders on the 2181unique: an actually rather serious technical book which is not only 2182(gasp) vehemently anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides. I tend 2183to think of it as `Constructive Snottiness.' 2184 -- Mike Padlipsky, Foreword to "Elements of Networking Style" 2185% 2186Bradley's Bromide: 2187 If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a 2188committee -- that will do them in. 2189% 2190Brady's First Law of Problem Solving: 2191 When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more 2192easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have 2193handled this?" 2194% 2195Brain fried -- Core dumped 2196% 2197Brain, n.: 2198 The apparatus with which we think that we think. 2199 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2200% 2201Brain, v. [as in "to brain"]: 2202 To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source of 2203error in an opponent. 2204 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2205% 2206Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests, 2207since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind. 2208 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 2209% 2210Bride, n.: 2211 A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. 2212 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2213% 2214Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may 2215revitalize the corner saloon. 2216% 2217British Israelites: 2218 The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of 2219Britain to be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by 2220Sargon of Assyria on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further 2221believe that the future can be foretold by the measurements of the 2222Great Pyramid, which probably means it will be big and yellow and in 2223the hand of the Arabs. They also believe that if you sleep with your 2224head under the pillow a fairy will come and take all your teeth. 2225 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 2226% 2227Broad-mindedness, n.: 2228 The result of flattening high-mindedness out. 2229% 2230Brontosaurus Principle: 2231 Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them 2232in relation to their environment and to their own physiology: when 2233this occurs, they are an endangered species. 2234 -- Thomas K. Connellan 2235% 2236Brook's Law: 2237 Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later 2238% 2239Brooke's Law: 2240 Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool 2241discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it 2242beyond recognition. 2243% 2244Bubble Memory, n.: 2245 A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's 2246intelligence. See also "vacuum tube". 2247% 2248Bucy's Law: 2249 Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. 2250% 2251Bug, n.: 2252 An aspect of a computer program which exists because the 2253programmer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he 2254wrote the program. 2255 2256Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed. 2257 -- Ray Simard 2258% 2259Bugs, pl. n.: 2260 Small living things that small living boys throw on small 2261living girls. 2262% 2263BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the 2264 outfit." 2265GENERAL: "What does that make YOU?" 2266BULLWINKLE: "What else? An executive." 2267 -- Jay Ward 2268% 2269Bumper sticker: 2270 2271All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British 2272manufacture. 2273% 2274Bureaucrat, n.: 2275 A person who cuts red tape sideways. 2276 -- J. McCabe 2277% 2278Bureaucrat, n.: 2279 A politician who has tenure. 2280% 2281Bureaucrats cut red tape -- lengthwise. 2282% 2283Burn's Hog Weighing Method: 2284 (1) Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a 2285 sawhorse. 2286 (2) Put the hog on one end of the plank. 2287 (3) Pile rocks on the other end until the plank is again 2288 perfectly balanced. 2289 (4) Carefully guess the weight of the rocks. 2290 -- Robert Burns 2291% 2292 But as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can 2293easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed 2294and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) 2295upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was 2296without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based 2297on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court 2298was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and 2299sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches, 2300human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value. 2301 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2302% 2303But don't you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations paws. 2304% 2305But I don't like Spam!!!! 2306% 2307 But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human 2308intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as 2309we can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues 2310that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding 2311of their world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard 2312example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads -- 2313makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing 2314whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a 2315finite or an infinite number. 2316 -- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds" 2317% 2318But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the 2319system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed, 2320analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses. 2321 -- Bruce Leverett, "Register Allocation in Optimizing 2322 Compilers" 2323% 2324But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast 2325to the nearest gas station. 2326% 2327But scientists, who ought to know 2328Assure us that it must be so. 2329Oh, let us never, never doubt 2330What nobody is sure about. 2331 -- Hilaire Belloc 2332% 2333But soft you, the fair Ophelia: 2334Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws, 2335But get thee to a nunnery -- go! 2336 -- Mark "The Bard" Twain 2337% 2338But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who 2339was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal 2340education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in 23411877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of 2342American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was 2343invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he 2344invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant 2345adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends 2346electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the 2347electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant 2348part) sends it right back to the customer again. 2349 2350This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch 2351of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since 2352very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely. 2353In fact the last year any new electricity was generated in the United 2354States was 1937; the electric companies have been merely re-selling it 2355ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate 2356increases. 2357 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 2358% 2359But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad 2360place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge. 2361Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge? What is a 2362kludge, after all, but not enough Ks, not enough ROMs, not enough RAMs, 2363poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around? Have I 2364explained yet about the bytes? 2365% 2366... But we've only fondled the surface of that subject. 2367 -- Virginia Masters 2368% 2369But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable 2370computers? 2371% 2372Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes 2373Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn; 2374Less dear than army ants in apple pies 2375Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn, 2376Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit; 2377Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose 2378They suck, and like the double-breasted suit 2379Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose, 2380Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed; 2381And stem the produce of thy waspish wits: 2382Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed; 2383Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits. 2384Be off, I say; go bug somebody new, 2385Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you. 2386% 2387By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task 2388completely overwhelm you. 2389% 2390By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote. In fact, 2391it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others as it is to 2392invent. 2393 -- R. Emerson 2394 -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program 2395 (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.") 2396 [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to 2397 misconstrue all these misquotations?!?"] 2398% 2399By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began 2400to suspect 'Hungry' ... 2401 -- Gary Larson, "The Far Side" 2402% 2403By trying, we can easily learn to endure adversity -- another man's, I 2404mean. 2405 -- Mark Twain 2406% 2407Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to 2408point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very 2409fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are 2410often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people 2411from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B 2412that so many people from point A are so keen to get _____there. They often 2413wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell 2414they wanted to be. 2415 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 2416% 2417C, n.: 2418 A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more 2419like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or 2420anything else. It is either the best language available to the art 2421today, or it isn't. 2422 -- Ray Simard 2423% 2424Cabbage, n.: 2425 A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as 2426a man's head. 2427 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2428% 2429Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception. 2430 -- The mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989 2431% 2432Cahn's Axiom: 2433 When all else fails, read the instructions. 2434% 2435California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange. 2436 -- Fred Allen 2437% 2438California, n.: 2439 From Latin "calor", meaning "heat" (as in English "calorie" or 2440Spanish "caliente"); and "fornia'" for "sexual intercourse" or 2441"fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex." 2442 -- Ed Moran 2443% 2444Call on God, but row away from the rocks. 2445 -- Indian proverb 2446% 2447Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missile sighted, target 2448Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept. 2449% 2450Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle. 2451 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth 2452% 2453Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth 2454Corner, Vermont. 2455 -- Clarence Darrow 2456% 2457Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two 2458points. 2459 -- M. M. Johnston 2460% 2461Canada Bill Jone's Motto: 2462 It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. 2463 2464Supplement: 2465 A .44 magnum beats four aces. 2466% 2467Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. It's 2 cents 2468for postage and 30 cents for storage. 2469 -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post 2470% 2471Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain? 2472Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes, 2473A root or two, a torus and a node: 2474The inverse of my verse, a null domain. 2475 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 2476% 2477CANCER (June 21 - July 22) 2478 You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's 2479problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things 2480off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare 2481recipients are Cancer people. 2482% 2483Canonical, adj.: 2484 The usual or standard state or manner of something. A true 2485story: One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some 2486annoyance at the use of jargon. Over his loud objections, we made a 2487point of using jargon as much as possible in his presence, and 2488eventually it began to sink in. Finally, in one conversation, he used 2489the word "canonical" in jargon-like fashion without thinking. 2490 Steele: "Aha! We've finally got you talking jargon too!" 2491 Stallman: "What did he say?" 2492 Steele: "He just used `canonical' in the canonical way." 2493% 2494CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19) 2495 You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do 2496much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any 2497importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as 2498they take root and become trees. 2499% 2500Captain Penny's Law: 2501 You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of 2502the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom. 2503% 2504Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than 2505expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to 2506complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their 2507planning to reduce the time it takes. 2508% 2509Carmel, New York, has an ordinance forbidding men to wear coats and 2510trousers that don't match. 2511% 2512Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.: 2513 The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a 2514dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then 2515putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. 2516 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 2517% 2518Cat, n.: 2519 Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer. 2520% 2521Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education. 2522 -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson" 2523% 2524Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health. 2525% 2526CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh.. 2527% 2528Cecil, you're my final hope 2529Of finding out the true Straight Dope 2530For I have been reading of Schrodinger's cat 2531But none of my cats are at all like that. 2532This unusual animal (so it is said) 2533Is simultaneously alive and dead! 2534What I don't understand is just why he 2535Can't be one or the other, unquestionably. 2536My future now hangs in between eigenstates. 2537In one I'm enlightened, in the other I ain't. 2538If *you* understand, Cecil, then show me the way 2539And rescue my psyche from quantum decay. 2540But if this queer thing has perplexed even you, 2541Then I will *___and* I won't see you in Schrodinger's zoo. 2542 -- Randy F., Chicago, "The Straight Dope, a compendium 2543 of human knowledge" by Cecil Adams 2544% 2545Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch. 2546% 2547Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the 2548center of the universe. The premise is wrong, but the navigation 2549works. An incorrect model can be a useful tool. 2550 -- Kelvin Throop III 2551% 2552Census Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, 2553how many? 2554% 2555Cerebus: I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel. 2556Jaka: Look, Cerebus-- Jaka has to tell you ... something 2557Cerebus: If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy 2558 out of it? 2559Jaka: Ugh! 2560Cerebus: You don't like apricot brandy? 2561 -- Cerebus #6, "The Secret" 2562% 2563Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long 2564walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They 2565then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy 2566health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, 2567not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find 2568only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the 2569others who have tried it. 2570 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2571% 2572Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, 2573But it's very funny-- 2574 Did you ever try buying them without money? 2575 -- Ogden Nash 2576% 2577 Chapter 1 2578 2579The story so far: 2580 2581 In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot 2582of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. 2583% 2584Character Density, n.: 2585 The number of very weird people in the office. 2586% 2587Checkuary, n.: 2588 The thirteenth month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and 2589ends when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his 2590checks. 2591% 2592Chef, n.: 2593 Any cook who swears in French. 2594% 2595Chemicals, n.: 2596 Noxious substances from which modern foods are made. 2597% 2598Chemistry is applied theology. 2599 -- Augustus Stanley Owsley III 2600% 2601Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire. 2602% 2603Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36: 2604 Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn 2605headgear where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer". 2606 -- Chicago Reader 3/27/81 2607% 2608Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84: 2609 The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request 2610for overheated passengers. When your timer pops up, the driver will 2611cheerfully baste you. 2612 -- Chicago Reader 5/28/82 2613% 2614Chicago, n.: 2615 Where the dead still vote ... early and often! 2616% 2617Chicken Little only has to be right once. 2618% 2619Chicken Little was right. 2620% 2621Chicken Soup, n.: 2622 An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin, 2623cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup can't cure 2624is neurotic dependence on one's mother. 2625 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 2626% 2627Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every 2628effort to teach them good manners. 2629% 2630Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're 2631going to catch you in next. 2632 -- Franklin P. Jones 2633% 2634Children aren't happy without something to ignore, 2635And that's what parents were created for. 2636 -- Ogden Nash 2637% 2638Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for 2639word what you shouldn't have said. 2640% 2641Chism's Law of Completion: 2642 The amount of time required to complete a government project is 2643precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it. 2644% 2645Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law: 2646 When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will. 2647% 2648Chivalry, Schmivalry! 2649 Roger the thief has a 2650 method he uses for 2651 sneaky attacks: 2652Folks who are reading are 2653 Characteristically 2654 Always Forgetting to 2655 Guard their own bac ... 2656% 2657Christ: 2658 A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time. 2659% 2660Churchill's Commentary on Man: 2661 Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the 2662time he will pick himself up and continue on. 2663% 2664Cigarette, n.: 2665 A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in 2666between. 2667% 2668Cinemuck, n.: 2669 The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which 2670covers the floors of movie theaters. 2671 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 2672% 2673Clairvoyant, n.: 2674 A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that 2675which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead. 2676 -- Ambrose Bierce 2677% 2678Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like 2679shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. 2680 -- Phyllis Diller 2681% 2682Cleanliness is next to impossible. 2683% 2684Cleveland still lives. God ____must be dead. 2685% 2686Cleveland? Yes, I spent a week there one day. 2687% 2688Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery. 2689% 2690Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on 2691society. 2692 -- Mark Twain 2693% 2694COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance. 2695% 2696Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan. 2697% 2698Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- 2699"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am." 2700 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2701% 2702Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong. 2703 -- Blair Houghton 2704% 2705Coincidence, n.: 2706 You weren't paying attention to the other half of what was 2707going on. 2708% 2709Coincidences are spiritual puns. 2710 -- G. K. Chesterton 2711% 2712Cold, adj.: 2713 When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions. 2714% 2715Cold, adj.: 2716 When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own 2717pockets. 2718% 2719Collaboration, n.: 2720 A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the 2721other fellow can spell. 2722% 2723College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the 2724faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if 2725the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms, 2726legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the 2727loss to humanity. 2728 -- H. L. Mencken 2729% 2730Colvard's Logical Premises: 2731 All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it 2732 won't. 2733 2734Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary: 2735 This is especially true when dealing with someone you're 2736 attracted to. 2737 2738Grelb's Commentary 2739 Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you. 2740% 2741Come, every frustum longs to be a cone, 2742And every vector dreams of matrices. 2743Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze: 2744It whispers of a more ergodic zone. 2745 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 2746% 2747Come, let us hasten to a higher plane, 2748Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn, 2749Their indices bedecked from one to _n, 2750Commingled in an endless Markov chain! 2751 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 2752% 2753Command, n.: 2754 Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in 2755such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control. 2756% 2757 COMMENT 2758 2759Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song, 2760A medley of extemporanea; 2761And love is thing that can never go wrong; 2762And I am Marie of Roumania. 2763 -- Dorothy Parker 2764% 2765Commitment, n.: 2766 Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs. 2767The chicken was involved, the pig was committed. 2768% 2769Committee Rules: 2770 (1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner. 2771 (2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this 2772 stamps you as being wise. 2773 (3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the 2774 others. 2775 (4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed. 2776 (5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you 2777 popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for. 2778% 2779Committee, n.: 2780 A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group 2781decide that nothing can be done. 2782 -- Fred Allen 2783% 2784Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to 2785be appointed to do the work. 2786% 2787Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at 2788different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing. 2789 -- Clive James 2790% 2791Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius. 2792 -- Josh Billings 2793% 2794Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. 2795 -- Albert Einstein 2796% 2797Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness 2798of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule." 2799 -- David Guaspari 2800% 2801Computer programmers do it byte by byte. 2802% 2803Computer Science is merely the post-Turing decline in formal systems 2804theory. 2805% 2806Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. 2807% 2808Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. 2809 -- Pablo Picasso 2810% 2811Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in 2812the world that just don't add up. 2813% 2814Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more 2815than the estimate the job will cost. 2816% 2817Conceit causes more conversation than wit. 2818 -- LaRouchefoucauld 2819% 2820Concept, n.: 2821 Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than 2822$25,000. 2823% 2824... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *___did* quote anybody in this 2825business, it probably would be gibberish. 2826 -- Thom McLeod 2827% 2828Condense soup, not books! 2829% 2830Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is 2831good for dandruff. 2832 -- Peter de Vries 2833% 2834Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation. 2835% 2836Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that 2837would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that 2838you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer 2839maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS 2840OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY 2841UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED 2842IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD 2843WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND 2844SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, 2845RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, 2846RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE 2847FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT? 2848 -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!" 2849% 2850Connector Conspiracy, n: 2851 [probably came into prominence with the appearance of the 2852KL-10, none of whose connectors match anything else] The tendency of 2853manufacturers (or, by extension, programmers or purveyors of anything) 2854to come up with new products which don't fit together with the old 2855stuff, thereby making you buy either all new stuff or expensive 2856interface devices. 2857% 2858Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends. 2859 -- H. L. Mencken 2860% 2861Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking. 2862 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Mencken Chrestomathy" 2863% 2864Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. 2865% 2866Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you 2867wish you weren't. 2868% 2869Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich. 2870 -- "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones] 2871% 2872Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then 2873give it back to them. 2874% 2875"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and 2876if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!" 2877 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" 2878% 2879Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern 2880technology. Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat. 2881% 2882Conversation, n.: 2883 A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath 2884is called the listener. 2885% 2886Conway's Law: 2887 In any organization there will always be one person who knows 2888 what is going on. 2889 2890 This person must be fired. 2891% 2892Coronation, n.: 2893 The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and 2894visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite 2895bomb. 2896 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2897% 2898Corrupt, adj.: 2899 In politics, holding an office of trust or profit. 2900% 2901Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a 2902muddle of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can 2903make of capitalism. 2904 -- Walter Lippmann 2905% 2906Corruption is not the #1 priority of the Police Commissioner. His job 2907is to enforce the law and fight crime. 2908 -- P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan 2909% 2910Court, n.: 2911 A place where they dispense with justice. 2912 -- Arthur Train 2913% 2914Coward, n.: 2915 One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. 2916 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2917% 2918[Crash programs] fail because they are based on the theory that, with 2919nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month. 2920 -- Wernher von Braun 2921% 2922Crime does not pay ... as well as politics. 2923 -- A. E. Neuman 2924% 2925Critic, n.: 2926 A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries 2927to please him. 2928 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2929% 2930Croll's Query: 2931 If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of? 2932% 2933cursor address, n: 2934 "Hello, cursor!" 2935 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 2936% 2937Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It 2938eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the 2939business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation. 2940 -- Johnny Hart 2941% 2942Cynic, n.: 2943 A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not 2944as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking 2945out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision. 2946 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2947% 2948Cynic, n.: 2949 One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye. 2950% 2951Dare to be naive. 2952 -- R. Buckminster Fuller 2953% 2954Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie. 2955% 2956Dave Mack: "Your stupidity, Allen, is simply not up to par." 2957Allen Gwinn: "Yours is." 2958% 2959Dawn, n.: 2960 The time when men of reason go to bed. 2961 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2962% 2963Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed. 2964% 2965%DCL-E-MEM-BAD, bad memory 2966-VMS-F-PDGERS, pudding between the ears 2967% 2968Dealing with failure is easy: work hard to improve. Success is also 2969easy to handle: you've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to 2970improve. 2971% 2972Dear Lord: 2973 I just want *___one* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On 2974the other hand", again. 2975% 2976Dear Miss Manners: 2977 My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's 2978elbows on the table. However, I have read that one elbow, in between 2979courses, is all right. Which is correct? 2980 2981Gentle Reader: 2982 For the purpose of answering examinations in your home 2983economics class, your teacher is correct. Catching on to this 2984principle of education may be of even greater importance to you now 2985than learning correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners 2986believes that is. 2987% 2988Dear Miss Manners: 2989 Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from 2990your face. 2991 2992Gentle Reader: 2993 Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on 2994your face ... 2995% 2996Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part 2997of this complete breakfast". The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old 2998will be watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a 2999commercial for a children's compressed breakfast compound such as 3000"Froot Loops" or "Lucky Charms", and they always show it sitting on a 3001table next to some actual food such as eggs, and the announcer always 3002says: "Part of this complete breakfast". Don't that really mean, 3003"Adjacent to this complete breakfast", or "On the same table as this 3004complete breakfast"? And couldn't they make essentially the same claim 3005if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of shaving cream there, or a 3006dead bat? 3007 3008Answer: Yes. 3009 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" 3010% 3011Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe? 3012 3013Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business 3014signs to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a 3015word, as in: WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR 3016ANY ITEM'S. Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when 3017creating hand- lettered small-business signs is that you should put 3018quotation marks around random words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT 3019DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S. 3020 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" 3021% 3022Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy. 3023% 3024Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. 3025 -- R. Geis 3026% 3027Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings. 3028% 3029Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'. 3030% 3031Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down. 3032% 3033Death is only a state of mind. 3034 3035Only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else. 3036% 3037Death to all fanatics! 3038% 3039Decision maker, n.: 3040 The person in your office who was unable to form a task force 3041before the music stopped. 3042% 3043Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really 3044overwhelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene 3045language may not be used by contestants when addressing members of the 3046judging panel, or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when 3047addressing contestants (unless struck by a boomerang). 3048 -- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing Assoc. 3049% 3050 Deck Us All With Boston Charlie 3051 3052Deck us all with Boston Charlie, 3053Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo! 3054Nora's freezin' on the trolley, 3055Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo! 3056 3057Don't we know archaic barrel, 3058Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou. 3059Trolley Molly don't love Harold, 3060Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo! 3061 -- Walt Kelly 3062% 3063"Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of 3064marvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a 3065theory", quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah, 3066those who can claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly 3067blessed. 3068 -- Randy Davis 3069% 3070default, n.: 3071 [Possibly from Black English "De fault wid dis system is you, 3072mon."] The vain attempt to avoid errors by inactivity. "Nothing will 3073come of nothing: speak again." -- King Lear. 3074 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 3075% 3076#define BITCOUNT(x) (((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255) 3077#define BX_(x) ((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777) \ 3078 - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333) \ 3079 - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111)) 3080 3081 -- really weird C code to count the number of bits in a word 3082% 3083Definitions of hardware and software for dummies: 3084 Hardware is what you kick; 3085 Software is what you curse. 3086% 3087 DELETE A FORTUNE! 3088 3089Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?! Wouldn't you like 3090to see some of them deleted from the system? You can! Just mail to 3091"fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it 3092gets expunged. 3093% 3094Deliberation, n.: 3095 The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is 3096buttered on. 3097 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 3098% 3099Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow. 3100% 3101Demand the establishment of the government 3102in its rightful home at Disneyland. 3103% 3104Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than 3105we deserve. 3106 -- George Bernard Shaw 3107% 3108Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder 3109aloud what the country could do under first-class management. 3110 -- Senator Soaper 3111% 3112Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the 3113incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few. 3114 -- G. B. Shaw 3115% 3116Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you 3117don't think. 3118% 3119Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by 3120Jackasses. 3121 -- H. L. Mencken 3122% 3123Democracy is good. I say this because other systems are worse. 3124 -- Jawaharlal Nehru 3125% 3126Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people 3127are right more than half of the time. 3128 -- E. B. White 3129% 3130Democracy, n.: 3131 A government of the masses. Authority derived through mass 3132meeting or any other form of direct expression. Results in mobocracy. 3133Attitude toward property is communistic... negating property rights. 3134Attitude toward law is that the will of the majority shall regulate, 3135whether it is based upon deliberation or governed by passion, 3136prejudice, and impulse, without restraint or regard to consequences. 3137Result is demagogism, license, agitation, discontent, anarchy. 3138 -- U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932), 3139 since withdrawn. 3140% 3141Demographic polls show that you have lost credibility across the 3142board. Especially with those 14 year-old Valley girls. 3143% 3144Dentist, n.: 3145 A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls 3146coins out of one's pockets. 3147 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 3148% 3149Despising machines to a man, 3150The Luddites joined up with the Klan, 3151 And ride out by night 3152 In a sheeting of white 3153To lynch all the robots they can. 3154 -- C. M. and G. A. Maxson 3155% 3156Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will 3157be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over 3158the table. 3159 -- The Anarchist Cookbook 3160% 3161 DETERIORATA 3162 3163Go placidly amid the noise and waste, 3164And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof. 3165Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep. 3166Rotate your tires. 3167Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself, 3168And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys. 3169Know what to kiss -- and when. 3170Remember that two wrongs never make a right, 3171But that three do. 3172Wherever possible, put people on "HOLD". 3173Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment, 3174And despite the changing fortunes of time, 3175There is always a big future in computer maintenance. 3176 3177 You are a fluke of the universe ... 3178 You have no right to be here. 3179 Whether you can hear it or not, the universe 3180 Is laughing behind your back. 3181 -- National Lampoon 3182% 3183DeVries's Dilemma: 3184 If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want 3185hits the paper. 3186% 3187Did I say 2? I lied. 3188% 3189Did you know ... 3190 3191That no-one ever reads these things? 3192% 3193Did you know that clones never use mirrors? 3194 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 3195% 3196Did you know that if you took all the economists in the world and lined 3197them up end to end, they'd still point in the wrong direction? 3198% 3199Did you know that the voice tapes easily identify the Russian pilot 3200that shot down the Korean jet? At one point he definitely states: 3201 3202 "Natasha! First we shoot jet, then we go after moose and 3203 squirrel." 3204 3205 -- ihuxw!tommyo 3206% 3207Die, v.: 3208 To stop sinning suddenly. 3209 -- Elbert Hubbard 3210% 3211Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a 3212conventional thing to happen to him. 3213 -- John Barrymore's dying words 3214% 3215Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little. 3216% 3217Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term. 3218Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight. 3219% 3220Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock. 3221% 3222Disc space -- the final frontier! 3223% 3224Disclaimer: "These opinions are my own, though for a small fee they be 3225yours too." 3226 -- Dave Haynie 3227% 3228Disclaimer: Any resemblance between the above views and those of my 3229employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely 3230coincidental. Any resemblance between the above and my own views is 3231non-deterministic. The question of the existence of views in the 3232absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader. 3233The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for 3234the second god coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal, 3235non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.) 3236% 3237Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art. 3238% 3239Distinctive, adj.: 3240 A different color or shape than our competitors. 3241% 3242Distress, n.: 3243 A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend. 3244 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 3245% 3246District of Columbia pedestrians who leap over passing autos to escape 3247injury, and then strike the car as they come down, are liable for any 3248damage inflicted on the vehicle. 3249% 3250Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery? 3251% 3252Do molecular biologists wear designer genes? 3253% 3254Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them. 3255% 3256Do not drink coffee in early a.m. It will keep you awake until noon. 3257% 3258Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to 3259anger. 3260% 3261Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good 3262with ketchup. 3263% 3264Do not read this fortune under penalty of law. 3265Violators will be prosecuted. 3266(Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.)) 3267% 3268Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight. 3269% 3270Do not try to solve all life's problems at once -- learn to dread each 3271day as it comes. 3272 -- Donald Kaul 3273% 3274Do something unusual today. Pay a bill. 3275% 3276Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum. 3277% 3278Do you have lysdexia? 3279% 3280Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take 3281the time to take the dirt out of them? 3282% 3283"Do you think what we're doing is wrong?" 3284"Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!" 3285"I've never done anything illegal before." 3286"I thought you said you were an accountant!" 3287% 3288Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and 3289when it is bad, it is better than nothing. 3290 -- Dick Brandon 3291% 3292Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must 3293be good because the programmers hate it so much. 3294% 3295Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? 3296% 3297Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow. 3298% 3299Don't be humble ... you're not that great. 3300 -- Golda Meir 3301% 3302Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say. 3303% 3304Don't change the reason, just change the excuses! 3305 -- Joe Cointment 3306% 3307"Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly, 3308sincerely, extremely dangerously. 3309 3310They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs. 3311They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They 3312used intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used 3313finks. They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used 3314fallaron. They used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. 3315They used the bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. 3316They used treachery. They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. 3317They used applied physics. They used techniques of criminology. And 3318what the hell, they caught him. 3319 3320 -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man" 3321% 3322Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today! 3323% 3324Don't feed the bats tonight. 3325% 3326Don't get even -- get odd! 3327% 3328Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they can be terribly 3329misleading. Debug only code. 3330 -- Dave Storer 3331% 3332Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes 3333you nothing. It was here first. 3334 -- Mark Twain 3335% 3336Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while. 3337% 3338Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon. 3339% 3340Don't hit a man when he's down -- kick him; it's easier. 3341% 3342Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today. 3343% 3344Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam. 3345% 3346Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance. 3347% 3348Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone. 3349% 3350Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you. 3351% 3352Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy 3353it today you can do it again tomorrow. 3354% 3355Don't say yes until I finish talking. 3356 -- Darryl F. Zanuck 3357% 3358Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business. 3359Cheat. 3360 -- Ambrose Bierce 3361% 3362Don't suspect your friends -- turn them in! 3363 -- "Brazil" 3364% 3365Don't take life so serious, son, it ain't nohow permanent. 3366 -- Walt Kelly 3367% 3368Don't take life too seriously -- you'll never get out of it alive. 3369% 3370Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective. 3371% 3372Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to 3373get more wax!! 3374% 3375Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, it starts 3376avoiding you. 3377 -- The Old Farmer's Almanac 3378% 3379Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any 3380good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats. 3381 -- Howard Aiken 3382% 3383Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already 3384tomorrow in Australia. 3385 -- Charles Schultz 3386% 3387Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too 3388busy worrying over what you are thinking about them. 3389% 3390Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in? 3391% 3392Don Ameche: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill! Was she 3393 pretty? 3394W. C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of 3395 bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have to 3396 sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia. 3397Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative. 3398W. C.: It's almost impossible. 3399 -- W. C. Fields, from "The Further Adventures of Larson 3400 E. Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles" 3401% 3402 Double Bucky 3403 (Sung to the tune of "Rubber Duckie") 3404 3405Double bucky, you're the one! 3406You make my keyboard lots of fun 3407 Double bucky, an additional bit or two: 3408(Vo-vo-de-o!) 3409Control and Meta side by side, 3410Augmented ASCII, nine bits wide! 3411 Double bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few! 3412 3413Oh, I sure wish that I, 3414Had a couple of bits more! 3415Perhaps a set of pedals to make the number of bits four. 3416 3417Double bucky, left and right 3418OR'd together, outta sight! 3419 Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of 3420 Double bucky, I'm happy I heard of 3421 Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of you! 3422 3423 -- (C) 1978 by Guy L. Steele, Jr. 3424 (to Nicholas Wirth, who suggested that an extra bit 3425 be added to terminal codes on 36-bit machines for use 3426 by screen editors. [to the tune of "Rubber Ducky"]) 3427% 3428Double-Blind Experiment, n.: 3429 An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is 3430fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied by a 3431strong belief in the tooth fairy. 3432% 3433Down with categorical imperative! 3434% 3435Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. 3436% 3437Drew's Law of Highway Biology: 3438 The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front 3439of your eyes. 3440% 3441Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it *__is* fun trying. 3442% 3443Drive defensively. Buy a tank. 3444% 3445Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route! 3446% 3447Ducharme's Axiom: 3448 If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize 3449yourself as part of the problem. 3450% 3451Ducharme's Precept: 3452 Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. 3453% 3454Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and 3455it holds the universe together. 3456 -- Carl Zwanzig 3457% 3458Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders 3459has been discontinued. 3460% 3461Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate 3462and captain of your soul. 3463% 3464Due to lack of disk space, this fortune database has been 3465discontinued. 3466% 3467 During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen 3468were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a 3469red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, 3470"Hey, you almost hit my wife." 3471 "Did I?" cried the hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a 3472shot at mine, over there." 3473% 3474During the next two hours, the system will be going up and down several 3475times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_~{o[po ~y oodsou>#w4k**n~po_~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o 3476% 3477Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have 3478nothing whatever to do with it. 3479 -- W. Somerset Maugham (last words) 3480% 3481E Pluribus Unix 3482% 3483Eagleson's Law: 3484 Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more 3485months, might as well have been written by someone else. (Eagleson is 3486an optimist, the real number is more like three weeks.) 3487% 3488Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends 3489% 3490/earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can. 3491% 3492Earth is a beta site. 3493% 3494Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun. 3495 -- Jeff Berner 3496% 3497Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube: 3498 Black. Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the 3499cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of 3500the plastic underneath -- black. According to the instructions, this 3501means the puzzle is solved. 3502 -- Steve Rubenstein 3503% 3504Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal. 3505% 3506Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work. 3507% 3508Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists. 3509 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 3510% 3511Economics, n.: 3512 Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J. K. 3513Galbraith ... 3514 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 3515% 3516Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy 3517would turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it 3518hasn't. 3519 -- Robert Orben 3520% 3521Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a 3522percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor. 3523 -- Edgar R. Fiedler 3524% 3525Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent. 3526 -- Fred Allen 3527% 3528Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine. 3529 -- Irsin Edman 3530% 3531Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak! 3532 -- Bullwinkle Moose 3533% 3534Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks. 3535 -- Adlai Stevenson 3536% 3537Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many 3538people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from. The first syllable 3539comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg". I don't know where 3540the "nog" comes from. 3541 3542To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine gin and, if they are in 3543season, eggs... 3544% 3545Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain 3546of being a damned fool. 3547 -- Bellamy Brooks 3548% 3549Egotist, n.: 3550 A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me. 3551 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 3552% 3553Ehrman's Commentary: 3554 (1) Things will get worse before they get better. 3555 (2) Who said things would get better? 3556% 3557Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees. 3558 -- Ronald Reagan, famous movie star 3559% 3560Eleanor Rigby 3561 Sits at the keyboard 3562 And waits for a line on the screen 3563Lives in a dream 3564Waits for a signal 3565 Finding some code 3566 That will make the machine do some more. 3567What is it for? 3568 3569All the lonely users, where do they all come from? 3570All the lonely users, why does it take so long? 3571 3572Hacker MacKensie 3573Writing the code for a program that no one will run 3574It's nearly done 3575Look at him working, fixing the bugs in the night when there's nobody there. 3576What does he care? 3577 3578All the lonely users, where do they all come from? 3579All the lonely users, why does it take so long? 3580Ah, look at all the lonely users. 3581Ah, look at all the lonely users. 3582% 3583Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance. 3584% 3585 Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles, 3586called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you 3587have been drinking. Electrons travel at the speed of light, which in 3588most American homes is 110 volts per hour. This is very fast. In the 3589time it has taken you to read this sentence so far, an electron could 3590have traveled all the way from San Francisco to Hackensack, New Jersey, 3591although God alone knows why it would want to. 3592 The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current, 3593direct current, lightning, static, and European. Most American homes 3594have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one 3595direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents 3596harmful electron buildup in the wires. 3597 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 3598% 3599Electrocution, n.: 3600 Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements. 3601% 3602Elevators smell different to midgets. 3603% 3604Emerson's Law of Contrariness: 3605 Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we 3606can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it. 3607% 3608Encyclopedia Salesmen: 3609 Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police 3610and tell them your house is being burgled. 3611 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 3612% 3613Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless. 3614Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop. 3615 -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary 3616% 3617Entropy isn't what it used to be. 3618% 3619Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which 3620otherwise require harder thinking. 3621 -- Jerome Lettvin 3622% 3623Epperson's law: 3624 When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably 3625something his wife can beat him at. 3626% 3627Equal bytes for women. 3628% 3629Error in operator: add beer 3630% 3631Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven 3632 Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben; 3633Und aller-m"umsige Burggoven 3634 Dir mohmen R"ath ausgraben. 3635 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" 3636% 3637Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. 3638 -- Woody Allen 3639% 3640Etymology, n.: 3641 Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that 3642were hard for the public to believe. The term "etymology" was formed 3643from the Latin "etus" ("eaten"), the root "mal" ("bad"), and "logy" 3644("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are hard to swallow." 3645 -- Mike Kellen 3646% 3647Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to 3648speak it to? 3649 -- Clarence Darrow 3650% 3651Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. 3652 -- Will Rogers 3653% 3654Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral. 3655 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 3656% 3657Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United 3658States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only two cents a 3659day. 3660% 3661Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you 3662just how busy they are? 3663% 3664Ever since prehistoric times, wise men have tried to understand what, 3665exactly, make people laugh. That's why they were called "wise men." 3666All the other prehistoric people were out puncturing each other with 3667spears, and the wise men were back in the cave saying: "How about: 3668Would you please take my wife? No. How about: Here is my wife, please 3669take her right now. No How about: Would you like to take something? 3670My wife is available. No. How about ..." 3671 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" 3672% 3673Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it. 3674% 3675Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt. 3676% 3677Every four seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this 3678woman and stop her. 3679% 3680Every group has a couple of experts. And every group has at least one 3681idiot. Thus are balance and harmony (and discord) maintained. It's 3682sometimes hard to remember this in the bulk of the flamewars that all 3683of the hassle and pain is generally caused by one or two 3684highly-motivated, caustic twits. 3685 -- Chuq Von Rospach, about Usenet 3686% 3687Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired 3688signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not 3689fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not 3690spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the 3691genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way 3692of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is 3693humanity hanging on a cross of iron. 3694 -- Dwight Eisenhower, April 16, 1953 3695% 3696Every Horse has an Infinite Number of Legs (proof by intimidation): 3697 3698Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in 3699front they have fore-legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an 3700odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both even 3701and odd is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of 3702legs. Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere, 3703there is a horse that has a finite number of legs. But that is a horse 3704of another color, and by the [above] lemma ["All horses are the same 3705color"], that does not exist. 3706% 3707Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible. 3708 -- Frank Moore Colby 3709% 3710Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it. 3711% 3712Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own. 3713 -- Don Vonada 3714% 3715Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95. 3716% 3717Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse. 3718 -- Miguel de Cervantes 3719% 3720Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the 3721richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work. 3722 -- Robert Orben 3723% 3724Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an orthonormal basis. 3725 3726It makes sense, when you don't think about it. 3727% 3728Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one 3729instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every 3730program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work. 3731% 3732Every program has two purposes -- one for which it was written and 3733another for which it wasn't. 3734% 3735Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits. 3736% 3737Every solution breeds new problems. 3738% 3739Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no 3740guarantee of eventual success. 3741% 3742Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it. 3743% 3744Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness. 3745 -- Beckett 3746% 3747Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. 3748 -- Dykstra 3749% 3750Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. 3751% 3752Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had to be 3753taught how ___not to. So it is with the great programmers. 3754% 3755Everyone is a genius. It's just that some people are too stupid to 3756realize it. 3757% 3758Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic 3759formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the 3760scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact 3761wholly unconcerned with what ____does exist. Indeed, the banality of 3762existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to 3763discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the 3764problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the 3765mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were all, 3766one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely 3767different way ... 3768 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 3769% 3770Everyone talks about apathy, but no one ____does anything about it. 3771% 3772Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately, 3773no one we know belongs. 3774% 3775Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being 3776that a belch is more satisfying. 3777 -- Ingmar Bergman 3778% 3779Everything journalists write is true, except when they write about 3780something you know. 3781 -- Dag-Erling Smorgrav, 3782 June 1999, FreeBSD-Stable Mailing List 3783% 3784Everything should be built top-down, except the first time. 3785% 3786Everything you know is wrong! 3787% 3788Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less 3789obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no 3790solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid. 3791There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no 3792straight lines. 3793 -- R. Buckminster Fuller 3794% 3795 Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping 3796mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as 3797"Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you 3798how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence", 3799"Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night 3800So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc. 3801 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 3802% 3803Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike the office water cooler. 3804% 3805Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator. 3806% 3807Excellent day to have a rotten day. 3808% 3809Excellent time to become a missing person. 3810% 3811Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from 3812acquiring the deadening effect of a habit. 3813 -- W. Somerset Maugham 3814% 3815Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility. 3816% 3817Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do 3818the work. 3819 -- John G. Pollard 3820% 3821Expect the worst. It's the least you can do. 3822% 3823Expense Accounts, n.: 3824 Corporate food stamps. 3825% 3826Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 3827 -- Olivier 3828% 3829Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake 3830when you make it again. 3831 -- Franklin P. Jones 3832% 3833Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and 3834the instruction afterward. 3835% 3836Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old 3837ones. 3838% 3839Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else. 3840% 3841Experience varies directly with equipment ruined. 3842% 3843Expert, n.: 3844 Someone who comes from out of town and shows slides. 3845% 3846Extract from Official Sweepstakes Rules: 3847 3848 NO PURCHASE REQUIRED TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE 3849 3850To claim your prize without purchase, do the following: (a) Carefully 3851cut out your computer-printed name and address from upper right hand 3852corner of the Prize Claim Form. (b) Affix computer-printed name and 3853address -- with glue or cellophane tape (no staples or paper clips) -- 3854to a 3x5 inch index card. (c) Also cut out the "No" paragraph (lower 3855left hand corner of Prize Claim Form) and affix it to the 3x5 card 3856below your address label. (d) Then print on your 3x5 card, above your 3857computer-printed name and address the words "CARTER & VAN PEEL 3858SWEEPSTAKES" (Use all capital letters.) (e) Finally place 3x5 card 3859(without bending) into a plain envelope [NOTE: do NOT use the 3860Official Prize Claim and CVP Perfume Reply Envelope or you may be 3861disqualified], and mail to: CVP, Box 1320, Westbury, NY 11595. Print 3862this address correctly. Comply with above instructions carefully and 3863completely or you may be disqualified from receiving your prize. 3864% 3865F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm! 3866% 3867f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd. 3868% 3869f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng. 3870% 3871F: When into a room I plunge, I 3872 Sometimes find some VIOLET FUNGI. 3873 Then I linger, darkly brooding 3874 On the poison they're exuding. 3875 -- The Roguelet's ABC 3876% 3877Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable. 3878% 3879Fairy Tale, n.: 3880 A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers. 3881% 3882Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic 3883without looking to see whether the seeds move. 3884% 3885Faith, n: 3886 That quality which enables us to believe what we know to be 3887untrue. 3888% 3889Fakir, n: 3890 A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost 3891religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources seem to 3892have shinnied up a rope and vanished. 3893% 3894Familiarity breeds attempt. 3895% 3896Families, when a child is born 3897Want it to be intelligent. 3898I, through intelligence, 3899Having wrecked my whole life, 3900Only hope the baby will prove 3901Ignorant and stupid. 3902Then he will crown a tranquil life 3903By becoming a Cabinet Minister 3904 -- Su Tung-p'o 3905% 3906Famous last words: 3907% 3908Famous last words: 3909 (1) "Don't worry, I can handle it." 3910 (2) "You and what army?" 3911 (3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be 3912 a cop." 3913% 3914Famous last words: 3915 (1) Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix. 3916 (2) Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there. 3917 (3) What happens if you touch these two wires tog-- 3918 (4) We won't need reservations. 3919 (5) It's always sunny there this time of the year. 3920 (6) Don't worry, it's not loaded. 3921 (7) They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager. 3922 (8) Don't worry! Women love it! 3923% 3924Famous, adj.: 3925 Conspicuously miserable. 3926 -- Ambrose Bierce 3927% 3928Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the 3929Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. 3930Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an 3931utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life 3932forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches 3933are a pretty neat idea. 3934 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 3935% 3936Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it 3937every six months. 3938 -- Oscar Wilde 3939% 3940Fats Loves Madelyn. 3941% 3942Feel disillusioned? I've got some great new illusions ... 3943% 3944Fertility is hereditary. If your parents didn't have any children, 3945neither will you. 3946% 3947 Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each 3948other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around 3949the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors 3950d'oeuvres. 3951 Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes 3952to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your 3953Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright 3954piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres. 3955 Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with 3956inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down 3957other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and 3958placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when 3959the little hammers strike. 3960 Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over 3961their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning 3962Christmas tree. The piano is missing. 3963 3964 You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless 3965you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level 39664. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog. 3967% 3968Fifth Law of Applied Terror: 3969 If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. 3970 3971Corollary: 3972 If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live. 3973% 3974Fifth Law of Procrastination: 3975 Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that 3976there is nothing important to do. 3977% 3978Fifty flippant frogs 3979Walked by on flippered feet 3980And with their slime they made the time 3981Unnaturally fleet. 3982% 3983 FIGHTING WORDS 3984 3985Say my love is easy had, 3986 Say I'm bitten raw with pride, 3987Say I am too often sad -- 3988 Still behold me at your side. 3989 3990Say I'm neither brave nor young, 3991 Say I woo and coddle care, 3992Say the devil touched my tongue -- 3993 Still you have my heart to wear. 3994 3995But say my verses do not scan, 3996 And I get me another man! 3997 -- Dorothy Parker 3998% 3999Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North 4000Carolina. 4001% 4002Finagle's Creed: 4003 Science is true. Don't be misled by facts. 4004% 4005Finagle's First Law: 4006 If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. 4007% 4008Finagle's Fourth Law: 4009 Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes 4010it worse. 4011% 4012Finagle's Second Law: 4013 No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be 4014someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it 4015happened according to his own pet theory. 4016% 4017Finagle's Third Law: 4018 In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, 4019 beyond all need of checking, is the mistake. 4020 4021Corollaries: 4022 (1) Nobody whom you ask for help will see it. 4023 (2) The first person who stops by, whose advice you really 4024 don't want to hear, will see it immediately. 4025% 4026Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture 4027on a rock. 4028 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 4029% 4030Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can. 4031% 4032Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy. 4033% 4034Fine's Corollary: 4035 Functionality breeds Contempt. 4036% 4037Finish the sentence below in 25 words or less: 4038 4039 "Love is what you feel just before you give someone a good ..." 4040 4041Mail your answer along with the top half of your supervisor to: 4042 4043 P.O. Box 35 4044 Baffled Greek, Michigan 4045% 4046First Corollary of Taber's Second Law: 4047 Machines that piss people off get murdered. 4048 -- Pat Taber 4049% 4050First Law of Bicycling: 4051 No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the 4052wind. 4053% 4054First Law of Procrastination: 4055 Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility 4056for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who imposed 4057the deadline). 4058% 4059First Law of Socio-Genetics: 4060 Celibacy is not hereditary. 4061% 4062First Rule of History: 4063 History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each 4064other. 4065% 4066First things first -- but not necessarily in that order 4067 -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who" 4068% 4069First, a few words about tools. 4070 4071Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of 4072the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously 4073injure yourself. Today, people tend to take tools for granted. If 4074you're ever walking down the street and you notice some people who look 4075particularly smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for 4076granted. If I were you, I'd walk right up and smack them in the face. 4077 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 4078% 4079Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity. 4080 -- Robert Firth 4081% 4082Flappity, floppity, flip 4083The mouse on the m"obius strip; 4084 The strip revolved, 4085 The mouse dissolved 4086In a chronodimensional skip. 4087% 4088FLASH! Intelligence of mankind decreasing. Details at ... uh, when 4089the little hand is on the .... 4090% 4091Flon's Law: 4092 There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is 4093the least bit difficult to write bad programs. 4094% 4095Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her 4096husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer! My joules! Someone has stolen my 4097joules!" 4098 4099"Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux 4100a moment. Perhaps they're mislead." 4101 4102"No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence. "I remember putting them 4103in my burette ... We must call a copper." 4104 4105Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms, 4106said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name 4107of Lawrence Ium. 4108 4109"We must be careful -- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and 4110dangerous. His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium. Maybe I can 4111catch him there." With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an 4112activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ... 4113 -- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations" 4114% 4115flowchart, n. & v.: 4116 [From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart 4117"a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."] 41181. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni construction 4119problems in which given algorithms require geometrical representation 4120using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI template. 2. n. Neronic 4121doodling while the system burns. 3. n. A low-cost substitute for 4122wallpaper. 4. n. The innumerate misleading the illiterate. "A 4123thousand pictures is worth ten lines of code." -- The Programmer's 4124Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps. 5. v.intrans. To produce 4125flowcharts with no particular object in mind. 6. v.trans. To obfuscate 4126(a problem) with esoteric cartoons. 4127 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 4128% 4129Flugg's Law: 4130 When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the 4131world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum. 4132% 4133Flying saucers on occasion 4134 Show themselves to human eyes. 4135Aliens fume, put off invasion 4136 While they brand these tales as lies. 4137% 4138Fog Lamps, n.: 4139 Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the 4140fronts of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the 4141driver's brain is in a fog. 4142 4143See also "Idiot Lights". 4144% 4145Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing. 4146 -- Walt Kelly, "Putluck Pogo" 4147% 4148For 20 dollars, I'll give you a good fortune next time ... 4149% 4150For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a 4151cat. 4152% 4153For an adequate time call 555-3321. 4154% 4155For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, since it must afterwards be 4156always old-fashioned. 4157% 4158For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, 4159and wrong. 4160 -- H. L. Mencken 4161% 4162For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill. 4163 -- R. Clopton 4164% 4165 "For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence 4166of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind." 4167 4168 "Whose?" 4169 4170 "MINE! HA-HA!" 4171% 4172For large values of one, one equals two, for small values of two. 4173% 4174For my son, Robert, this is proving to be the high-point of his entire 4175life to date. He has had his pajamas on for two, maybe three days 4176now. He has the sense of joyful independence a 5-year-old child gets 4177when he suddenly realizes that he could be operating an acetylene torch 4178in the coat closet and neither parent [because of the flu] would have 4179the strength to object. He has been foraging for his own food, which 4180means his diet consists entirely of "food" substances which are 4181advertised only on Saturday-morning cartoon shows; substances that are 4182the color of jukebox lights and that, for legal reasons, have their 4183names spelled wrong, as in New Creemy Chok-'n'-Cheez Lumps o' Froot 4184("part of this complete breakfast"). 4185 -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide" 4186% 4187For perfect happiness, remember two things: 4188 (1) Be content with what you've got. 4189 (2) Be sure you've got plenty. 4190% 4191For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say 4192"Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something. 4193 -- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to 4194 the U.S. 4195% 4196For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz. 4197% 4198For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the massive jobs of 4199a thousand years ago. Why not, then, the last step of doing away with 4200computers altogether? 4201 -- Jehan Shuman 4202% 4203For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like. 4204 -- Abraham Lincoln 4205% 4206For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but 4207phone calls taper off. 4208 -- Johnny Carson 4209% 4210For years a secret shame destroyed my peace -- 4211I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece. 4212But now I think a thought that brings me hope: 4213Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope. 4214 -- Justin Richardson. 4215% 4216For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH! 4217% 4218Forgetfulness, n.: 4219 A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their 4220destitution of conscience. 4221% 4222Forms follow function, and often obliterate it. 4223% 4224FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS! #6 4225 4226RAZORBACK: Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min. 4227 One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's, and 4228 arguably the best movie ever made about a large, man-eating 4229 hog. Some violence. With Gregory Harrison. 4230% 4231fortune's Contribution of the Month to the Animal Rights Debate: 4232 4233 I'll stay out of animals' way if they'll stay out of mine. 4234 "Hey you, get off my plate" 4235 -- Roger Midnight 4236% 4237Fortune's Fictitious Country Song Title of the Week: 4238 "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?" 4239% 4240Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month): 4241 4242 Don't Write On Walls! 4243 4244 (and underneath) 4245 4246 You want I should type? 4247% 4248Fortune's Law of the Week (this week, from Kentucky): 4249 No female shall appear in a bathing suit at any airport in this 4250State unless she is escorted by two officers or unless she is armed 4251with a club. The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females 4252weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it 4253apply to female horses. 4254% 4255Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful 4256Morals goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan. During an 4257impassioned House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and 4258clam research," a sharp-eared informant transcribed the following 4259exchange between our hero and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan. 4260 4261DINGELL: There are places in the world at the present time where we are 4262 having to artificially propagate oysters and clams. 4263HOFFMAN: You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters? 4264DINGELL: They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter 4265 is that female oysters through their living habits cast out 4266 large amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large 4267 amounts of fertilization ... 4268HOFFMAN: Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many 4269 teenagers who read The Congressional Record. 4270% 4271Fortune's Office Door Sign of the Week: 4272 4273 Incorrigible punster -- Do not incorrige. 4274% 4275FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS #14 4276 4277Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to your good 4278liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert and 4279light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything 4280drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck. 4281% 4282Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #18: 4283 4284Q: Are you married? 4285A: No, I'm divorced. 4286Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him? 4287A: A lot of things I didn't know about. 4288% 4289Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #19: 4290 4291Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? 4292A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people. 4293% 4294Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #29: 4295 4296THE JUDGE: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present 4297 information and prejudice from your minds, if you have 4298 any ... 4299% 4300Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #32: 4301 4302Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now? 4303A: I will be three months November 8th. 4304Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th? 4305A: Yes. 4306Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time? 4307% 4308Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #37: 4309 4310Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears? 4311A: No. 4312Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears? 4313A: Picking them up in the air. 4314Q: Where was the dog at this time? 4315A: Attached to the ears. 4316% 4317Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #3: 4318 4319Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were 4320 able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to 4321 go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with 4322 him to the station? 4323MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot. 4324% 4325Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #41: 4326 4327Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? 4328A: By death. 4329Q: And by whose death was it terminated? 4330% 4331Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52: 4332 4333Q: What is your name? 4334A: Ernestine McDowell. 4335Q: And what is your marital status? 4336A: Fair. 4337% 4338Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #7: 4339 4340Q: What happened then? 4341A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify 4342 me." 4343Q: Did he kill you? 4344A: No. 4345% 4346fortune: cpu time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped. 4347% 4348Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samurai 4349sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles. 4350 4351Oh, and have a nice day! 4352 -- Bryce Nesbitt '84 4353% 4354Fourth Law of Applied Terror: 4355 The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology 4356instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. 4357 4358Corollary: 4359 Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do 4360except study for that instructor's course. 4361% 4362Fourth Law of Revision: 4363 It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about 4364interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for you. 4365% 4366Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: If the probability of success is not 4367almost one, it is damn near zero. 4368 -- David Ellis 4369% 4370Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a 4371policeman's tie. 4372% 4373Fresco's Discovery: 4374 If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored. 4375% 4376Friends, Romans, Hipsters, 4377Let me clue you in; 4378I come to put down Caesar, not to groove him. 4379The square kicks some cats are on stay with them; 4380The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caesar. The cool Brutus 4381Gave you the message: Caesar had big eyes; 4382If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea, 4383And, like, old Caesar really set them straight. 4384Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat; 4385So are they all, all cool cats, -- 4386Come I to make this gig at Caesar's laying down. 4387% 4388Frisbeetarianism, n.: 4389 The belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and 4390gets stuck. 4391% 4392Frobnicate, v.: 4393 To manipulate or adjust, to tweak. Derived from FROBNITZ. 4394Usually abbreviated to FROB. Thus one has the saying "to frob a 4395frob". See TWEAK and TWIDDLE. Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK 4396sometimes connote points along a continuum. FROB connotes aimless 4397manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse 4398search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning. If someone is 4399turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it 4400he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the 4401screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because 4402turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it. 4403% 4404Frobnitz, pl. Frobnitzem (frob'nitsm) n.: 4405 An unspecified physical object, a widget. Also refers to 4406electronic black boxes. This rare form is usually abbreviated to 4407FROTZ, or more commonly to FROB. Also used are FROBNULE, FROBULE, and 4408FROBNODULE. Starting perhaps in 1979, FROBBOZ (fruh-bahz'), pl. 4409FROBBOTZIM, has also become very popular, largely due to its exposure 4410via the Adventure spin-off called Zork (Dungeon). These can also be 4411applied to non-physical objects, such as data structures. 4412% 4413[From an announcement of a congress of the International Ontopsychology 4414Association, in Rome]: 4415 4416The Ontopsychological school, availing itself of new research criteria 4417and of a new telematic epistemology, maintains that social modes do not 4418spring from dialectics of territory or of class, or of consumer goods, 4419or of means of power, but rather from dynamic latencies capillarized in 4420millions of individuals in system functions which, once they have 4421reached the event maturation, burst forth in catastrophic phenomenology 4422engaging a suitable stereotype protagonist or duty marionette (general, 4423president, political party, etc.) to consummate the act of social 4424schizophrenia in mass genocide. 4425% 4426From the "Guiness Book of World Records", 1973: 4427 4428Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and 4429the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the 4430Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his 4431candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground 4432nuts) Order, the expression nuts shall have reference to such nuts, 4433other than ground nuts, as would but for this amending Order not 4434qualify as nuts (unground)(other than ground nuts) by reason of their 4435being nuts (unground)." 4436% 4437From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was 4438convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. 4439 -- Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults" 4440% 4441[From the operation manual for the CI-300 Dot Matrix Line Printer, made 4442in Japan]: 4443 4444The excellent output machine of MODEL CI-300 as extraordinary DOT 4445MATRIX LINE PRINTER, built in two MICRO-PROCESSORs as well as EAROM, is 4446featured by permitting wonderful co-existence such as; "high quality 4447against low cost", "diversified functions with compact design", 4448"flexibility in accessibleness and durability of approx. 2000,000,00 4449Dot/Head", "being sophisticated in mechanism but possibly agile 4450operating under noises being extremely suppressed" etc. 4451 4452And as a matter of course, the final goal is just simply to help 4453achieve "super shuttle diplomacy" between cool data, perhaps earned by 4454HOST COMPUTER, and warm heart of human being. 4455% 4456From the Pro 350 Pocket Service Guide, p. 49, Step 5 of the 4457instructions on removing an I/O board from the card cage, comes a new 4458experience in sound: 4459 4460 5. Turn the handle to the right 90 degrees. The pin-spreading 4461 sound is normal for this type of connector. 4462% 4463From too much love of living, 4464From hope and fear set free, 4465We thank with brief thanksgiving, 4466Whatever gods may be, 4467That no life lives forever, 4468That dead men rise up never, 4469That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea. 4470 -- Swinburne 4471% 4472Fuch's Warning: 4473 If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well 4474enough to travel. 4475% 4476Fudd's First Law of Opposition: 4477 Push something hard enough and it will fall over. 4478% 4479Furbling, v.: 4480 Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank 4481even when you are the only person in line. 4482 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 4483% 4484Furious activity is no substitute for understanding. 4485 -- H. H. Williams 4486% 4487Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening. 4488% 4489G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: "Go on writing plays, my boy. One 4490of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his 4491secretary, `Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says 4492`No,' he will say, `Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.' And 4493that's your chance, my boy." 4494% 4495Garbage In -- Gospel Out. 4496% 4497Garter, n.: 4498 An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her 4499stockings and desolating the country. 4500 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 4501% 4502Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall 4503on our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!! 4504 -- Adventures of Asterix 4505% 4506Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep". 4507 4508 Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound 4509than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference: 4510 "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling." 4511Obvious, isn't it? 4512 Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start 4513speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as 4514long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all 4515your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and 4516so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed 4517individuals and then grow ... 4518 Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those 4519signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when 4520everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on 4521the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs 4522backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? I 4523think not, my friend, I think not. 4524 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 4525% 4526 "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at More Science High has an 4527extracurricular activity except you." 4528 "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?" 4529 "Only to ten, Mudhead." 4530 4531 -- Firesign Theater 4532% 4533Gee, Toto, I don't think we are in Kansas anymore. 4534% 4535GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) 4536 You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you 4537because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much 4538for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for 4539committing incest. 4540% 4541GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20) 4542 Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while 4543you can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy praise 4544and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker. A short 4545trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room. 4546% 4547Genderplex, n.: 4548 The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to 4549determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and 4550tortoises). 4551 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 4552% 4553Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why 4554you should. 4555% 4556Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus 4557handicapped. 4558 -- Elbert Hubbard 4559% 4560Genius, n.: 4561 A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with 4562"bright". 4563% 4564George Orwell 1984. Northwestern 0. 4565 -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82 4566% 4567George Orwell was an optimist. 4568% 4569George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to 4570have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend. 4571 -- Ashley Cooper 4572% 4573Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics: 4574 (1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong 4575 direction. 4576 (2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place. 4577 (3) The energy required to change either one of these states 4578 will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so 4579 much as to make the task totally impossible. 4580% 4581Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty. 4582% 4583 Get GUMMed 4584 --- ------ 4585The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April 45861, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above 4587the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep 4588each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered 4589chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek 4590nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od. Three 4591days will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo. Two 4592seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user- 4593friendly features of Unix. Seminars include "Everything You Know is 4594Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis 4595"cc C? Si! Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You 4596Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats. No Reader Service No. is necessary because 4597all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we 4598could tell them. 4599 -- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June '84 4600% 4601Get Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your children! 4602% 4603 -- Gifts for Children -- 4604 4605This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children, 4606because they will tell you exactly what they want. They spend months 4607and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday- 4608morning cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children 4609exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If 4610your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You 4611Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it. You may be worried that it 4612might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe 4613me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child 4614who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift. 4615 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 4616% 4617 -- Gifts for Men -- 4618 4619Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional 4620ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you 4621should never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the 4622clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For 4623example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only 4624three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error, 4625that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh 4626at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?"). 4627So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several 4628years without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will 4629pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you. 4630 4631If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More 4632than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set 4633of tires. 4634 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 4635% 4636 Gimmie That Old Time Religion 4637We will follow Zarathustra, We will worship like the Druids, 4638Zarathustra like we use to, Dancing naked in the woods, 4639I'm a Zarathustra booster, Drinking strange fermented fluids, 4640And he's good enough for me! And it's good enough for me! 4641 (chorus) (chorus) 4642 4643In the church of Aphrodite, 4644The priestess wears a see-through nightie, 4645She's a mighty righteous sightie, 4646And she's good enough for me! 4647 (chorus) 4648 4649CHORUS: Give me that old time religion, 4650 Give me that old time religion, 4651 Give me that old time religion, 4652 'Cause it's good enough for me! 4653% 4654Ginsberg's Theorem: 4655 (1) You can't win. 4656 (2) You can't break even. 4657 (3) You can't even quit the game. 4658 4659Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem: 4660 Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem 4661 meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's 4662 Theorem. To wit: 4663 4664 (1) Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win. 4665 (2) Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even. 4666 (3) Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game. 4667% 4668Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh dome, and a place 4669to stand, and I will drain the world. 4670% 4671Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war. 4672 -- Napoleon 4673% 4674Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities! 4675% 4676Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving to 4677a new town. 4678% 4679Give your child mental blocks for Christmas. 4680% 4681Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying 4682around, I'd rather lie around. No contest. 4683 -- Eric Clapton 4684% 4685Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden: 4686Languages whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful. The LISP 4687machine now permits LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf. 4688 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 4689% 4690Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability: 4691 Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the 4692probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some 4693useful work done. 4694% 4695Gnagloot, n.: 4696 A person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to 4697impress people. 4698 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 4699% 4700Go 'way! You're bothering me! 4701% 4702Go climb a gravity well! 4703% 4704Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may 4705be in owning a piece thereof. 4706 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 4707% 4708//GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH 4709% 4710God did not create the world in seven days; he screwed around for six 4711days and then pulled an all-nighter. 4712% 4713God doesn't play dice. 4714 -- Albert Einstein 4715% 4716"God gives burdens; also shoulders" 4717 4718Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech at the 4719end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish saying; I 4720can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth though; why 4721would he lie about a thing like that? 4722 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 4723% 4724God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little ... 4725The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty ... I do 4726not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman 4727... not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on 4728smoking and drinking beer. But the man who cannot live on bread and 4729water is not fit to live! A family may live on good bread and water in 4730the morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at 4731night! 4732 -- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher 4733% 4734God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh. 4735% 4736God is a polytheist. 4737% 4738God is Dead 4739 -- Nietzsche 4740Nietzsche is Dead 4741 -- God 4742Nietzsche is God 4743 -- The Dead 4744% 4745God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's 4746% 4747God is real, unless declared integer. 4748% 4749God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the 4750elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying 4751other things. 4752 -- Pablo Picasso 4753% 4754God is the tangential point between zero and infinity. 4755 -- Alfred Jarry 4756% 4757God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place. 4758% 4759God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man. 4760% 4761God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board 4762 -- Mark Twain 4763% 4764God made the integers; all else is the work of Man. 4765 -- Kronecker 4766% 4767God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh. 4768% 4769God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean. 4770 -- Albert Einstein 4771% 4772God must love the Common Man; He made so many of them. 4773% 4774God rest ye CS students now, 4775Let nothing you dismay. 4776The VAX is down and won't be up, 4777Until the first of May. 4778The program that was due this morn, 4779Won't be postponed, they say. 4780 4781 Oh, tidings of comfort and joy, 4782 Comfort and joy, 4783 Oh, tidings of comfort and joy. 4784 4785The bearings on the drum are gone, 4786The disk is wobbling, too. 4787We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol 4788Can't tell false from true. 4789And now we find that we can't get 4790At Berkeley's 4.2. 4791 4792 (chorus) 4793% 4794Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to 4795school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a 4796person a car. 4797% 4798Gold, n.: 4799 A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It 4800is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich men who 4801immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, although gold 4802hasn't done anything to them. 4803 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 4804% 4805Goldenstern's Rules: 4806 (1) Always hire a rich attorney. 4807 (2) Never buy from a rich salesman. 4808% 4809Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad 4810example. 4811 -- La Rouchefoucauld 4812% 4813Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall. 4814% 4815Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase. 4816% 4817Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school. 4818% 4819Good day to let down old friends who need help. 4820% 4821Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed. 4822% 4823Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance. 4824% 4825Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day. 4826% 4827Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's 4828new lover. 4829% 4830Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored. 4831 -- George Saunders' dying words 4832% 4833Gordon's first law: 4834 If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing 4835well. 4836% 4837Gosh that takes me back... or is it forward? That's the trouble with 4838time travel, you never can tell. 4839 -- Doctor Who "Androids of Tara" 4840% 4841Got Mole problems? 4842Call Avogadro 6.02 x 10^23 4843% 4844Goto, n.: 4845 A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers 4846to complain about unstructured programmers. 4847 -- Ray Simard 4848% 4849Government [is] an illusion the governed should not encourage. 4850 -- John Updike, "Couples" 4851% 4852Government lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are 4853different lies. 4854% 4855Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know 4856any more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he 4857doesn't know much. 4858 -- Will Rogers 4859% 4860Grabel's Law: 4861 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2. 4862% 4863Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture. 4864% 4865Graduate life: It's not just a job. It's an indenture. 4866% 4867Grandpa Charnock's Law: 4868 You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 4869% 4870Gravity is a myth: the Earth sucks. 4871% 4872Gray's Law of Programming: 4873 `_n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same 4874time as `_n' tasks. 4875 4876Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law: 4877 `_n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as `_n' trivial tasks. 4878% 4879Great minds run in great circles. 4880% 4881 GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY #21 -- July 30, 1917 4882 4883On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then- 4884Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought them 4885off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought I 4886wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from his 4887mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a 4888tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men 4889stood lookout. 4890% 4891Green light in A.M. for new projects. 4892Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets. 4893% 4894Greener's Law: 4895 Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel. 4896% 4897Grelb's Reminder: 4898 Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above 4899average drivers. 4900% 4901Grub first, then ethics. 4902 -- Bertholt Brecht 4903% 4904Gurmlish, n.: 4905 The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which 4906prevents the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his 4907mouth. 4908 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 4909% 4910Gyroscope, n.: 4911 A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also 4912free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each 4913other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two 4914mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the 4915other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus 4916offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any 4917torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin. 4918 -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary 4919% 4920H. L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H. L. 4921Mencken -- there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude. 4922 -- Maxwell Bodenheim 4923% 4924H. L. Mencken's Law: 4925 Those who can -- do. 4926 Those who can't -- teach. 4927 4928Martin's Extension: 4929 Those who cannot teach -- administrate. 4930% 4931H: If a 'GOBLIN (HOB) waylays you, 4932 Slice him up before he slays you. 4933 Nothing makes you look a slob 4934 Like running from a HOB'LIN (GOB). 4935 -- The Roguelet's ABC 4936% 4937Hacker's Law: 4938 The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a 4939nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions. 4940% 4941Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge. 4942% 4943Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror, 4944and you would not have been informed. 4945% 4946Hail to the sun god 4947He sure is a fun god 4948Ra! Ra! Ra! 4949% 4950Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big 4951enough majority in any town? 4952 -- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn" 4953% 4954Half Moon tonight. (At least it's better than no Moon at all.) 4955% 4956Half-done: 4957 This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still 4958crunchy, light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference 4959between this and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like 4960the difference between life and death. 4961 You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill 4962there in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the 4963airport, fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough 4964Hall, transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on 4965Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk 4966about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the 4967man, "Let me have a nice half-done." 4968 Worth the trouble, wasn't it? 4969 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 4970% 4971Hall's Laws of Politics: 4972 (1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending. 4973 (2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want something 4974 fixed. 4975 (3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend 4976 military spending, and conservatives social spending in 4977 their own districts). 4978% 4979Hand, n.: 4980 A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and 4981commonly thrust into somebody's pocket. 4982 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 4983% 4984Hanlon's Razor: 4985 Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by 4986stupidity. 4987% 4988Hanson's Treatment of Time: 4989 There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days 4990before Saturday. 4991% 4992Happiness is having a scratch for every itch. 4993 -- Ogden Nash 4994% 4995Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember. 4996 -- Oscar Levant 4997% 4998Happiness, n.: 4999 An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of 5000another. 5001 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 5002% 5003Hard work may not kill you, but why take chances? 5004% 5005Hardware, n.: 5006 The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. 5007% 5008Hark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender. You stand 5009convicted of sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want. 5010 -- Tobias Smollet 5011% 5012Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark 5013The Duke is fond of kittens 5014He likes to take their insides out 5015And use them for his mittens 5016 From "The Thirteen Clocks" 5017% 5018Hark, the Herald Tribune sings, 5019Advertising wondrous things. 5020 -- Tom Lehrer 5021% 5022Harris's Lament: 5023 All the good ones are taken. 5024% 5025Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab: 5026 Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment 5027ruined. 5028% 5029Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he 5030makes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean 5031famous for its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses 5032probably stirs romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you 5033have never met any wild horses in person. In person, they are like 5034enormous hooved rats. They amble up to your camp site, and their 5035attitude is: "We're wild horses. We're going to eat your food, knock 5036down your tent and poop on your shoes. We're protected by federal law, 5037just like Richard Nixon." 5038 -- Dave Barry, "Tenting Grandpa Bob" 5039% 5040Hartley's First Law: 5041 You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float 5042on his back, you've got something. 5043% 5044Hartley's Second Law: 5045 Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. 5046% 5047Harvard Law: 5048 Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, 5049temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will 5050do as it damn well pleases. 5051% 5052"Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?" 5053"Yes, I don't have one." 5054"Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors ..." 5055 -- E. D'Azevedo, Computer Science 372 5056% 5057Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are 5058typed with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter 5059keyboard was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use 5060of both hands. It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is 5061not only unnatural, but a lot harder than it appears. 5062% 5063 Has your family tried 'em? 5064 5065 POWDERMILK BISCUITS 5066 5067 Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious! 5068 5069 They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons the 5070 strength to get up and do what needs to be done. 5071 5072 POWDERMILK BISCUITS 5073 5074 Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of the 5075 biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark stains 5076 that indicate freshness. 5077% 5078Hatred, n.: 5079 A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's 5080superiority. 5081 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 5082% 5083Have an adequate day. 5084% 5085Have people realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is 5086to defuse project tensions? When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a 5087non-cynical, or even an informative cookie? 5088 5089Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions. This 5090still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or 5091only serves to blunt the warning signs. 5092 5093 Long live the revolution! 5094 Have a nice day. 5095% 5096Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell 5097you, "There's a time for work and a time for play," never find the time 5098for play? 5099% 5100Have you ever wondered what makes Californians so calm? Besides drugs, 5101I mean. The answer is hot tubs. A hot tub is a redwood container 5102filled with water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite 5103sex, none of whom is necessarily your spouse. After a few hours in 5104their hot tubs, Californians don't give a damn about earthquakes or 5105mass murderers. They don't give a damn about anything , which is why 5106they are able to produce "Laverne and Shirley" week after week. 5107 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 5108% 5109"Have you lived here all your life?" 5110"Oh, twice that long." 5111% 5112Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a 5113crack in your sidewalk? 5114% 5115Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline 5116sharply the minute they start waving guns around? 5117 -- Dr. Who 5118% 5119Have you reconsidered a computer career? 5120% 5121He did decide, though, that with more time and a great deal of mental 5122effort, he could probably turn the activity into an acceptable 5123perversion. 5124 -- Mick Farren, "When Gravity Fails" 5125% 5126He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions. 5127 -- Stephen Leacock 5128% 5129He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation 5130perfectly delightful. 5131 -- Sydney Smith 5132% 5133He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild and 5134heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned all hope 5135of ever behaving "normally." 5136 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72" 5137% 5138He hadn't a single redeeming vice. 5139 -- Oscar Wilde 5140% 5141He is now rising from affluence to poverty. 5142 -- Mark Twain 5143% 5144He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered. 5145% 5146He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace. 5147 -- John Mason Brown, drama critic 5148% 5149He thought he saw an albatross 5150That fluttered 'round the lamp. 5151He looked again and saw it was 5152A penny postage stamp. 5153"You'd best be getting home," he said, 5154"The nights are rather damp." 5155% 5156He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue. 5157 -- Jonathan Swift 5158% 5159He was a modest, good-humored boy. It was Oxford that made him insufferable. 5160% 5161He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes. 5162% 5163He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry 5164attacks democracy itself. 5165 -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS 5166% 5167He who Laughs, Lasts. 5168% 5169He's just a politician trying to save both his faces ... 5170% 5171He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd be 5172there ... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter. 5173% 5174He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is ... 5175% 5176HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science. 5177SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their ___OWN brains. 5178 -- Walt Kelley 5179% 5180Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 5181% 5182Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying 5183of nothing. 5184 -- Redd Foxx 5185% 5186Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying 5187of nothing. 5188 -- Redd Foxx 5189% 5190Heaven, n.: 5191 A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of 5192their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you 5193expound your own. 5194 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 5195% 5196Heavy, adj.: 5197 Seduced by the chocolate side of the force. 5198% 5199Heisenberg may have slept here. 5200% 5201Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned. 5202 -- Milton Friedman 5203% 5204Heller's Law: 5205 The first myth of management is that it exists. 5206 5207Johnson's Corollary: 5208 Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the 5209organization. 5210% 5211"Hello," he lied. 5212 -- Don Carpenter quoting a Hollywood agent 5213% 5214Help a swallow land at Capistrano. 5215% 5216Help fight continental drift. 5217% 5218Help me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file! 5219% 5220Help stamp out and abolish redundancy. 5221% 5222Help! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70! 5223% 5224HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN! 5225 -- E. E. CUMMINGS 5226% 5227Her locks an ancient lady gave 5228Her loving husband's life to save; 5229And men -- they honored so the dame -- 5230Upon some stars bestowed her name. 5231 5232But to our modern married fair, 5233Who'd give their lords to save their hair, 5234No stellar recognition's given. 5235There are not stars enough in heaven. 5236% 5237Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from 5238Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth ... 5239% 5240Here I sit, broken-hearted, 5241All logged in, but work unstarted. 5242First net.this and net.that, 5243And a hot buttered bun for net.fat. 5244 5245The boss comes by, and I play the game, 5246Then I turn back to net.flame. 5247Is there a cure (I need your views), 5248For someone trapped in net.news? 5249 5250I need your help, I say 'tween sobs, 5251'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs. 5252% 5253Here in my heart, I am Helen; 5254 I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least. 5255I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Sta"el; 5256 I'm Salome, moon of the East. 5257 5258Here in my soul I am Sappho; 5259 Lady Hamilton am I, as well. 5260In me R'ecamier vies with Kitty O'Shea, 5261 With Dido, and Eve, and poor nell. 5262 5263I'm all of the glamorous ladies 5264 At whose beckoning history shook. 5265But you are a man, and see only my pan, 5266 So I stay at home with a book. 5267 -- Dorothy Parker 5268% 5269Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical 5270lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach 5271your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. 5272Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in 5273pain? This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, 5274but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an 5275important electrical lesson. 5276 5277It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed 5278your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small 5279objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will 5280attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and 5281collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your 5282friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the 5283carpet, thus completing the circuit. 5284 5285Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without 5286touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your 5287finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you 5288have carpeting. 5289 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 5290% 5291 Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the 5292month. According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people 5293are experiencing severe marketing anxiety in China. 5294 The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either 5295(depending on the inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax 5296tadpole". 5297 Bite the wax tadpole. 5298 There is a sort of rough justice, is there not? 5299 The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's 5300hard to get a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to 5301bite a wax tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, 5302but broad satiric vistas do not open up. 5303 -- John Carroll, San Francisco Chronicle 5304% 5305Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 5306`Psychic Wins Lottery'? 5307 -- Jay Leno 5308% 5309Heuristics are bug ridden by definition. If they didn't have bugs, 5310then they'd be algorithms. 5311% 5312Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??! 5313 -- W. C. Fields 5314% 5315Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person 5316reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes, 5317nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home. 5318% 5319"Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. 5320As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of 5321equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. 5322Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever walk around? If so, you 5323probably have the makings of an excellent legal case. Although of 5324course every case is different, I would definitely say that based on my 5325experience and training, there's no reason why you shouldn't come out 5326of this thing with at least a cabin cruiser. 5327 5328"Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our 5329motto is: 'It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.'" 5330 -- Dave Barry, "Pain and Suffering" 5331% 5332Hier liegt ein Mann ganz ohnegleich; 5333Im Leibe dick, an Suenden reich. 5334Wir haben ihn in das Grab gesteckt, Here lies a man with sundry flaws 5335Weil es uns duenkt er sei verreckt. And numerous Sins upon his head; 5336 We buried him today because 5337 As far as we can tell, he's dead. 5338 -- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty 5339 Sue Bach and written by the local doggerel catcher; 5340 "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele 5341% 5342Higgledy Piggledy, 5343Hamlet of Elsinore 5344Ruffled the critics by 5345Dropping this bomb: 5346"Phooey on Freud and his 5347Psychoanalysis -- 5348Oedipus, Shmoedipus, 5349I just loved Mom." 5350% 5351Hindsight is an exact science. 5352% 5353Hippogriff, n.: 5354 An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. 5355The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle. 5356The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter eagle, which 5357is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is full 5358of surprises. 5359 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 5360% 5361Hire the morally handicapped. 5362% 5363His great aim was to escape from civilization, and, as soon as he had 5364money, he went to Southern California. 5365% 5366His mind is like a steel trap -- full of mice. 5367 -- Foghorn Leghorn 5368% 5369His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier. 5370% 5371History is curious stuff 5372 You'd think by now we had enough 5373Yet the fact remains I fear 5374 They make more of it every year. 5375% 5376History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history. 5377% 5378History, n.: 5379 Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we 5380learn nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from 5381what happened this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long 5382view. 5383 -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab" 5384% 5385Hlade's Law: 5386 If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they 5387will find an easier way to do it. 5388% 5389Hoare's Law of Large Problems: 5390 Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out. 5391% 5392Hofstadter's Law: 5393 It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take 5394Hofstadter's Law into account. 5395% 5396Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it. 5397 -- Rex Reed 5398% 5399 Home centers are designed for the do-it-yourselfer who's 5400willing to pay higher prices for the convenience of being able to shop 5401for lumber, hardware, and toasters all in one location. Notice I say 5402"shop for", as opposed to "obtain". This is the major drawback of home 5403centers: they are always out of everything except artificial Christmas 5404trees. The home center employees have no time to reorder merchandise 5405because they are too busy applying little price stickers to every 5406object -- every board, washer, nail and screw -- in the entire store ... 5407 Let's say a piece in your toilet tank breaks, so you remove the 5408broken part, take it to the home center, and ask an employee if he has 5409a replacement. The employee, who has never is his life even seen the 5410inside of a toilet tank, will peer at the broken part in very much the 5411same way that a member of a primitive Amazon jungle tribe would look at 5412an electronic calculator, and then say, "We're expecting a shipment of 5413these sometime around the middle of next week". 5414 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 5415% 5416Home of Doberman Propulsion Laboratories: 5417The ultimate in watchdog weaponry. 5418 -- Chris Shaw 5419% 5420Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense. 5421% 5422Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people. 5423 -- F. M. Hubbard 5424% 5425Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..." 5426% 5427Honk if you love peace and quiet. 5428% 5429Honorable, adj.: 5430 Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative 5431bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the 5432honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur." 5433 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 5434% 5435Horngren's Observation: 5436 Among economists, the real world is often a special case. 5437% 5438Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on 5439people. 5440 -- W. C. Fields 5441% 5442Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa. 5443% 5444Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed. 5445 -- Neil Armstrong 5446% 5447How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all? 5448% 5449How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers? 5450% 5451How come wrong numbers are never busy? 5452% 5453How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows. 5454% 5455How do you explain school to a higher intelligence? 5456 -- Elliot, "E.T." 5457% 5458How doth the little crocodile 5459 Improve his shining tail, 5460And pour the waters of the Nile 5461 On every golden scale! 5462 5463How cheerfully he seems to grin, 5464 How neatly spreads his claws, 5465And welcomes little fishes in, 5466 With gently smiling jaws! 5467 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland" 5468% 5469How doth the VAX's C compiler 5470Improve its object code. 5471And even as we speak does it 5472Increase the system load. 5473 5474How patiently it seems to run 5475And spit out error flags, 5476While users, with frustration, all 5477Tear their clothes to rags. 5478% 5479How I love to watch the morn, 5480 With golden sun that shines, 5481Up above to nicely warm 5482 These frosty toes of mine. 5483 5484The wind doth taste so bitter sweet, 5485 Like Jaspar wine and sugar, 5486It must have blown through someone's feet, 5487 Like those of ... Caspar Weinberger. 5488 -- P. Opus (Bloom County) 5489% 5490How doth the VAX's C-compiler 5491Improve its object code. 5492And even as we speak does it 5493Increase the system load. 5494 5495How patiently it seems to run 5496And spit out error flags, 5497While users, with frustration, all 5498Tear all their clothes to rags. 5499% 5500How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're 5501on. 5502% 5503How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? 5504None: "We'll fix it in software." 5505 5506How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? 5507None: "We'll document it in the manual." 5508 5509How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb? 5510None: "The user can work it out." 5511% 5512How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being 5513carried by a waiter at a nice party? 5514 5515Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors 5516d'oeuvre. If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell 5517what's inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then 5518say: "This is cheese! I hate cheese!" Then you put the rest of it 5519back on the tray and bite another one and go, "Darn it! Another 5520cheese!" and so on. 5521 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" 5522% 5523 How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are 55243.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand, 5525who could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a 5526nanocentury. 5527 -- Tom Duff, Bell Labs 5528% 5529How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to Dayton? 5530 -- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey 5531% 5532How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers. 5533% 5534HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: 5535 #1040 Your income tax refund cheque bounces. 5536% 5537HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: 5538 #15 Your pet rock snaps at you. 5539% 5540HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: 5541 #32: You call your answering service and they've never heard of you. 5542% 5543Howe's Law: 5544 Everyone has a scheme that will not work. 5545% 5546However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my traditional 5547manner ... sulking and nausea. 5548 -- Tom K. Ryan 5549% 5550HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., 5551motion that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate 5552amendment making changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. 5553The Senate amendment was an amendment to the House amendment to the 5554Senate amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the 5555bill. The original Senate amendment was the conference agreement on 5556the bill. Agreed to. 5557 -- Albuquerque Journal 5558% 5559 Hug O' War 5560 5561I will not play at tug o' war. 5562I'd rather play at hug o' war, 5563Where everyone hugs 5564Instead of tugs, 5565Where everyone giggles 5566And rolls on the rug, 5567Where everyone kisses, 5568And everyone grins, 5569And everyone cuddles, 5570And everyone wins. 5571 -- Shel Silverstein 5572% 5573Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill. 5574% 5575Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in 55761929. Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an 5577operating table to prevent his interference, he placed a urethral 5578catheter into a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of 5579his heart], and walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took 5580the confirmatory x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the 5581Nobel Prize. 5582% 5583Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs. 5584% 5585Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse. 5586 -- William Gilbert 5587% 5588Hurewitz's Memory Principle: 5589 The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional 5590to ..... to ........ uh .............. 5591% 5592I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a 5593professor or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any 5594other minority viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority. 5595 -- Richard M. Nixon 5596 5597What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism? 5598 -- Richard M. Nixon 5599% 5600I am convinced that the manufacturers of carpet odor removing powder 5601have included encapsulated time released cat urine in their products. 5602This technology must be what prevented its distribution during my mom's 5603reign. My carpet smells like piss, and I don't have a cat. Better go 5604buy some more. 5605 -- timw@zeb.USWest.COM 5606% 5607I am more bored than you could ever possibly be. Go back to work. 5608% 5609I am not an Economist. I am an honest man! 5610 -- Paul McCracken 5611% 5612I am not now, and never have been, a girlfriend of Henry Kissinger. 5613 -- Gloria Steinem 5614% 5615I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the demigodic party. 5616 -- Dennis Ritchie 5617% 5618I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it. 5619 -- English Professor 5620% 5621I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the 5622great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. 5623 -- Winston Churchill 5624% 5625I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone 5626has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. 5627 -- English Professor, Ohio University 5628% 5629I am so optimistic about beef prices that I've just leased a pot roast 5630with an option to buy. 5631% 5632I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater. 5633% 5634I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, 5635of pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell 5636you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial 5637atomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something 5638inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering. 5639 -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado", Gilbert & Sullivan 5640% 5641I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of 5642the sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for 5643you are loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway. 5644 -- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy, 5645 University of Tennessee at Knoxville 5646% 5647I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an 5648argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and 5649steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, 5650they don't even invite me. 5651 -- Dave Barry 5652% 5653I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean. 5654 -- G. K. Chesterton 5655% 5656I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat. 5657 -- Will Rogers 5658% 5659I bet the human brain is a kludge. 5660 -- Marvin Minsky 5661% 5662I brake for chezlogs! 5663% 5664I call them as I see them. If I can't see them, I make them up. 5665 -- Biff Barf 5666% 5667I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan 5668prostitute dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very 5669bored with washing and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after 5670relentless day. 5671 -- Betty MacDonald 5672% 5673I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself. 5674% 5675I can remember when a good politician had to be 75 percent ability and 567625 percent actor, but I can well see the day when the reverse could be 5677true. 5678 -- Harry Truman 5679% 5680I can resist anything but temptation. 5681% 5682I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. 5683 -- Joe Walsh 5684% 5685I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling. 5686 -- Florence Henderson 5687% 5688I can't understand it. I can't even understand the people who can 5689understand it. 5690 -- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands. 5691% 5692I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a 5693novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. 5694 -- Fred Allen 5695% 5696I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions. 5697 -- Lillian Hellman 5698% 5699I cannot conceive that anybody will require multiplications at the rate 5700of 40,000 or even 4,000 per hour ... 5701 -- F. H. Wales (1936) 5702% 5703I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar. 5704 5705What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good 5706grammar. For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause 5707of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the 5708United States would have lost World War II." 5709 -- Dave Barry, "An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar" 5710% 5711 "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frito Bugger in a 5712quavering voice. 5713 "No," said GoodGulf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of 5714course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which 5715I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in 5716Elven-lore: 5717 5718 "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves, 5719 Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves. 5720 Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop, 5721 This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop. 5722 The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring. 5723 The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing. 5724 If broken or busted, it cannot be remade. 5725 If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)." 5726 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 5727% 5728I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights 5729instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is 5730standing still ... 5731 -- Steven Wright 5732% 5733I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather 5734dance with the cows till you come home. 5735 -- Groucho Marx 5736% 5737I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps 5738the time I found out that M&Ms really *do* melt in your hand ... 5739 -- Peter Oakley 5740% 5741I didn't know it was impossible when I did it. 5742% 5743I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions. The 5744curtain was up. 5745% 5746 I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because 5747we use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently 5748leads to violence. What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say, 5749in traffic, is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had 5750time to think of witty and learned insults or look them up in the 5751library, we could call each other up: 5752 5753 You: Hello? Bob? 5754 Bob: Yes? 5755 You: This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space you 5756 took last Thursday? Outside of Sears? 5757 Bob: Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed? 5758 You: Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is: 5759 "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..." No, wait. 5760 I mean: "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill 5761 and ..." No, wait. (Sound of reference book thudding onto 5762 the floor.) S-word. Excuse me. Look, Bob, I'm going to 5763 have to get back to you. 5764 Bob: Fine. 5765 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" 5766% 5767I do hate sums. There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an 5768exact science. There are permutations and aberrations discernible to 5769minds entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary 5770accountants fail to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a 5771mind like mine to perceive. For instance, if you add a sum from the 5772bottom up, and then again from the top down, the result is always 5773different. 5774 -- Mrs. La Touche (19th cent.) 5775% 5776I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. 5777 -- Isaac Asimov 5778% 5779I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us 5780with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forego their use. 5781 -- Galileo Galilei 5782% 5783I do not know myself, and God forbid that I should. 5784 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 5785% 5786I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians 5787don't believe in astrology. 5788 -- James R. F. Quirk 5789% 5790I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all just 5791a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell more 5792numbers!! 5793% 5794I don't care for the Sugar Smacks commercial. I don't like the idea of 5795a frog jumping on my Breakfast. 5796 -- Lowell, Chicago Reader 10/15/82 5797% 5798I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the 5799nominating. 5800 -- Boss Tweed 5801% 5802I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem. 5803 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 5804% 5805I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got hundreds of 5806people waiting to abuse me. 5807 -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters" 5808% 5809I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to. 5810 -- Elvis Presley 5811% 5812 "I don't know what you mean by `glory,'" Alice said 5813 Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't -- 5814till I tell you. I meant `there's a nice knock-down argument for 5815you!'" 5816 "But glory doesn't mean `a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice 5817objected. 5818 "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful 5819tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor 5820less." 5821 "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean 5822so many different things." 5823 "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master-- 5824that's all." 5825 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" 5826% 5827I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd 5828eat it, and I just hate it. 5829 -- Clarence Darrow 5830% 5831I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path. 5832 -- Ronald Mabbitt 5833% 5834I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the 5835streets and frighten the horses. 5836 -- Victor Hugo 5837% 5838I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!? 5839% 5840"I don't think so," said Ren'e Descartes. Just then, he vanished. 5841% 5842I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the other 5843hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out. 5844% 5845I don't want to alarm anybody, but there is an excellent chance that 5846the Earth will be destroyed in the next several days. Congress is 5847thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists 5848broadcast signals to alien beings. This would be a large mistake. 5849Alien beings have nuclear blaster death cannons. You cannot cut off 5850their federal programs as if they were merely poor people ... 5851 -- Davy Barry, "THE ALIENS ARE COMING, THE ALIENS ARE 5852 COMING!" 5853% 5854I doubt, therefore I might be. 5855% 5856I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business 5857on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment 5858he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual 5859becoming, with a goal in front and not behind. 5860 -- George Bernard Shaw 5861% 5862I drink to make other people interesting. 5863 -- George Jean Nathan 5864% 5865I fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamt that I was reading on, 5866so I woke up from sheer boredom. 5867% 5868I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the 5869accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For 5870the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that 5871can't be measured in monetary terms. 5872 5873Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to have 5874that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came by 5875subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot should 5876someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly 5877understand his long delay. 5878% 5879I found out why my car was humming. It had forgotten the words. 5880% 5881I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very 5882reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment. 5883 -- Gotama Buddha 5884% 5885I gave up Smoking, Drinking and Sex. It was the most *__________horrifying* 20 5886minutes of my life! 5887% 5888I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it. 5889 -- Mae West 5890% 5891I get up each morning, gather my wits. 5892 Pick up the paper, read the obits. 5893If I'm not there I know I'm not dead. 5894 So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed. 5895% 5896I get up each morning, gather my wits. 5897Pick up the paper, read the obits. 5898If I'm not there I know I'm not dead. 5899So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed. 5900 5901Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent? 5902My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went. 5903But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin, 5904And think of the places my get-up has been. 5905 -- Pete Seeger 5906% 5907I had this sudden vision of a klein pizza containing all the mozarella 5908in the world. 5909 -- Peter da Silva 5910% 5911I had to censor everything my sons watched ... even on the Mary Tyler 5912Moore show I heard the word 'damn'! 5913 -- Mary Lou Bax 5914% 5915I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense. 5916% 5917I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means 5918it's going to be up all night. 5919 -- Steven Wright 5920% 5921I hate quotations. 5922 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 5923% 5924I have a simple philosophy: 5925 5926 Fill what's empty. 5927 Empty what's full. 5928 Scratch where it itches. 5929 -- A. R. Longworth 5930% 5931I have a very firm grasp on reality! I can reach out and strangle it 5932any time! 5933% 5934I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show, 5935which would be called `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'. 5936 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 5937% 5938I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I tell them the truth 5939and they never believe me. 5940 -- Camillo Di Cavour 5941% 5942I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it. 5943 -- Edgar Allan Poe 5944% 5945I have just read your lousy review buried in the back pages. You 5946sound like a frustrated old man who never made a success, an 5947eight-ulcer man on a four-ulcer job, and all four ulcers working. I 5948have never met you, but if I do you'll need a new nose and plenty of 5949beefsteak and perhaps a supporter below. Westbrook Pegler, a 5950guttersnipe, is a gentleman compared to you. You can take that as more 5951of an insult than as a reflection on your ancestry. 5952 -- President Harry S Truman 5953% 5954I have learned 5955To spell hors d'oeuvres 5956Which still grates on 5957Some people's n'oeuvres. 5958 -- Warren Knox 5959% 5960I have made mistakes but I have never made the mistake of claiming 5961that I have never made one. 5962 -- James Gordon Bennett 5963% 5964I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to 5965make it shorter. 5966 -- Blaise Pascal 5967% 5968I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole 5969____BODY! 5970 -- from "Cerebus" #82 5971% 5972I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer. 5973 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 5974% 5975I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best. 5976 -- Oscar Wilde 5977% 5978I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it 5979scattered around the beaches of the world ... Perhaps you've seen it. 5980 -- Steven Wright 5981% 5982I have to convince you, or at least snow you ... 5983 -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435 5984% 5985I have two very rare photographs: one is a picture of Houdini locking 5986his keys in his car; the other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell 5987beating up a child. 5988 -- Steven Wright 5989% 5990I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when looked 5991at in the right way, did not become still more complicated. 5992 -- Poul Anderson 5993% 5994I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere. 5995% 5996I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it. 5997% 5998I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!! 5999% 6000I just need enough to tide me over until I need more. 6001 -- Bill Hoest 6002% 6003I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once. 6004% 6005I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World 6006War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. 6007 -- Albert Einstein 6008% 6009I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! 6010The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building. 6011 -- Charles Schulz 6012% 6013I like being single. I'm always there when I need me. 6014 -- Art Leo 6015% 6016I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to 6017promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want 6018peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of 6019the way and let them have it. 6020 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower 6021% 6022I like work ... I can sit and watch it for hours. 6023% 6024I like your game but we have to change the rules. 6025% 6026I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour! This is what 6027entertainment is all about ... Idiots, explosives and falling anvils. 6028 -- Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson 6029% 6030"I love to eat them Smurfies 6031 Smurfies what I love to eat 6032 Bite they ugly heads off, 6033 Nibble on they bluish feet." 6034% 6035I may appear to be just sitting here like a bucket of tapioca, but 6036don't let appearances fool you. I'm approaching old age ... at the 6037speed of light. 6038 -- Prof. Cosmo Fishhawk 6039% 6040I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent. 6041 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 6042% 6043I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a 6044week sometimes to make it up. 6045 -- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad" 6046% 6047I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts 6048% 6049I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do 6050was to go away. 6051% 6052I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like. 6053% 6054I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation. 6055 -- G. B. Shaw 6056% 6057I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis! 6058 -- Royal Floyd Mengot (Klaus) 6059% 6060I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the 6061kind of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled 6062substances being in widespread use. Back then, there were no 6063restrictions, in terms of talent, on who could make an album, so we 6064made one, and it sounds like a group of people who have been given 6065powerful but unfamiliar instruments as a therapy for a degenerative 6066nerve disease. 6067 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake" 6068% 6069I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow! 6070% 6071I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob. 6072 -- William F. Buckley 6073% 6074 "I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of 6075that is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put 6076more simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it 6077might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not 6078otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be 6079otherwise.'" 6080 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland" 6081% 6082I realize that the MX missile is none of our concern. I realize that 6083the whole point of living in a democracy is that we pay professional 6084congresspersons to concern themselves with things like the MX missile 6085so we can be free to concern ourselves with getting hold of the 6086plumber. 6087 6088But from time to time, I feel I must address major public issues such 6089as this, because in a free and open society, where the very future of 6090the world hinges on decisions made by our elected leaders, you never 6091win large cash journalism awards if you stick to the topics I usually 6092write about, such as nose-picking. 6093 -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against 6094 Political Fallout" 6095% 6096I really hate this damned machine 6097I wish that they would sell it. 6098It never does quite what I want 6099But only what I tell it. 6100% 6101I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person. 6102% 6103I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope 6104they do get 'em lowered enough so people can afford to pay 'em. 6105 -- Will Rogers 6106% 6107I see the eigenvalue in thine eye, 6108I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh. 6109Bernoulli would have been content to die 6110Had he but known such _a-squared cos 2(phi)! 6111 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 6112% 6113I sent a letter to the fish, 6114I told them, "This is what I wish." 6115The little fishes of the sea, 6116They sent an answer back to me. 6117The little fishes' answer was 6118"We cannot do it, sir, because ..." 6119I sent a letter back to say 6120It would be better to obey. 6121But someone came to me and said 6122"The little fishes are in bed." 6123I said to him, and I said it plain 6124"Then you must wake them up again." 6125I said it very loud and clear, 6126I went and shouted in his ear. 6127But he was very stiff and proud, 6128He said "You needn't shout so loud." 6129And he was very proud and stiff, 6130He said "I'll go and wake them if ..." 6131I took a kettle from the shelf, 6132I went to wake them up myself. 6133But when I found the door was locked 6134I pulled and pushed and kicked and knocked, 6135And when I found the door was shut, 6136I tried to turn the handle, But ... 6137 6138 "Is that all?" asked Alice. 6139 "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye." 6140 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" 6141% 6142I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck. 6143 -- Graffito in Los Angeles 6144% 6145"... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was 6146supposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which 6147actually made me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses ..." 6148 -- Dave Barry, "The Wet Zorro Suit and Other Turning 6149 Points in l'Amour" 6150% 6151I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full 6152house and four people died. 6153 -- Steven Wright 6154% 6155I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to 6156see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. 6157 -- Shirley Temple 6158% 6159I suggest you locate your hot tub outside your house, so it won't do 6160too much damage if it catches fire or explodes. First you decide which 6161direction your hot tub should face for maximum solar energy. After 6162much trial and error, I have found that the best direction for a hot 6163tub to face is up. 6164 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 6165% 6166I think it is true for all _n. I was just playing it safe with _n >= 3 6167because I couldn't remember the proof. 6168 -- Baker, Pure Math 351a 6169% 6170I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it. 6171% 6172I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick 6173and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this 6174country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people 6175in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly 6176not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am. 6177 -- Monty Python 6178% 6179I think that I shall never see 6180A billboard lovely as a tree. 6181Perhaps, unless the billboards fall 6182I'll never see a tree at all. 6183 -- Ogden Nash 6184% 6185I think that I shall never see 6186A thing as lovely as a tree. 6187But as you see the trees have gone 6188They went this morning with the dawn. 6189A logging firm from out of town 6190Came and chopped the trees all down. 6191But I will trick those dirty skunks 6192And write a brand new poem called 'Trunks'. 6193% 6194I think the sky is blue because it's a shift from black through purple 6195to blue, and it has to do with where the light is. You know, the 6196farther we get into darkness, and there's a shifting of color of light 6197into the blueness, and I think as you go farther and farther away from 6198the reflected light we have from the sun or the light that's bouncing 6199off this earth, uh, the darker it gets ... I think if you look at the 6200color scale, you start at black, move it through purple, move it on 6201out, it's the shifting of color. We mentioned before about the stars 6202singing, and that's one of the effects of the shifting of colors. 6203 -- Pat Robertson, The 700 Club 6204% 6205I think we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown 6206... HEY! PAY ATTENTION WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU DAMMIT! I said I think 6207we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown today. 6208When we take the time to be courteous to each other, we find that we 6209are happier and less likely to engage in nuclear war. This point was 6210driven home by the recent summit talks, where Nancy Reagan and Raisa 6211Gorbachev, each of whose husband thinks the other's husband is vermin, 6212were able to sit down at a high-level tea and engage in courteous 6213conversation ... 6214 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" 6215% 6216"I thought you were trying to get into shape." 6217"I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle." 6218% 6219 ... I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a 6220pallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises! 6221 -- Winston Churchill 6222% 6223I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in 6224twenty minutes. It's about Russia. 6225 -- Woody Allen 6226% 6227I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure. 6228% 6229I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance. 6230% 6231I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure. 6232% 6233I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my 6234body. Then I realized who was telling me this. 6235 -- Emo Phillips 6236% 6237I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere 6238near the place. 6239 -- Steven Wright 6240% 6241I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to 6242animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for 6243anything connected with society except that which makes the roads 6244safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men and women 6245warmer in the winter, and happier in the summer. 6246 -- Brendan Behan 6247% 6248I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch `St. 6249Elsewhere', won't scream, `FORGET IT, BLANCHE ... IT'S TIME FOR "HEE 6250HAW"!!' 6251 -- Berke Breathed, "Bloom County" 6252% 6253I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know 6254anything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child Prodigy is 6255a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows 6256up. 6257 -- Will Rogers 6258% 6259I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn. By accident I 6260put the car key in the door lock. The house started up. So I figured 6261what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times. I thought I 6262should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to 6263get off my driveway. 6264 -- Steven Wright 6265% 6266I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I 6267didn't know. 6268 -- Mark Twain 6269% 6270I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending 6271their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to 6272buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike. 6273 -- Emile Henry Gauvreay 6274% 6275I was playing poker the other night ... with Tarot cards. I got a full 6276house and four people died. 6277 -- Steven Wright 6278% 6279I went into a general store, and they wouldn't sell me anything specific. 6280 -- Steven Wright 6281% 6282I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained 6283it to expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass 6284stars, for stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold. 6285I ran it assuming the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be 6286absent -- not because I wanted to know the answer, but because I had 6287developed an intuitive feel for the answer in this particular case. 6288Finally I got a run in which the computer showed the pulsar's 6289temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found an error. I 6290chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the program to 6291the point where it would not run at all. 6292 -- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star: Of Pulsars, Black 6293 Holes and the Fate of Stars" 6294% 6295I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any 6296questions , I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the 6297speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen? 6298 6299He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work 6300for him then. 6301 -- Steven Wright 6302% 6303I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in 6304the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't 6305included. 6306 -- Steven Wright 6307% 6308I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the 6309statues that are in all the other museums. 6310 -- Steven Wright 6311% 6312I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that 6313it took seven others to beat him! 6314% 6315I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. 6316There's a knob called `brightness', but it doesn't work. 6317 -- Gallagher 6318% 6319I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've 6320always worked for me. 6321 -- Hunter S. Thompson 6322% 6323I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. 6324% 6325I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got 6326to undo it. 6327% 6328I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat. 6329% 6330I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I snore. 6331% 6332I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in `Y.' 6333% 6334I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my blender. 6335% 6336I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my garage door. 6337% 6338I'd love to go out with you, but I'm converting my calendar watch from 6339Julian to Gregorian. 6340% 6341I'd love to go out with you, but I'm doing door-to-door collecting for 6342static cling. 6343% 6344I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered. 6345% 6346I'd love to go out with you, but I'm staying home to work on my 6347cottage cheese sculpture. 6348% 6349I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving. 6350% 6351I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma transplant. 6352% 6353I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night. 6354% 6355I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV. 6356% 6357I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never came back. 6358% 6359I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to stay tuned. 6360% 6361I'd love to go out with you, but there are important world issues that 6362need worrying about. 6363% 6364I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy. 6365% 6366I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, 6367carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia, 6368I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun. 6369 -- Hawkeye, M*A*S*H 6370% 6371I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd 6372listen to it! 6373 -- Tom Galloway with apologies to Voltaire 6374% 6375I'll grant thee random access to my heart, 6376Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love; 6377And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove 6378And in our bound partition never part. 6379 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 6380% 6381I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob. 6382That will *prove* I'm Robin Hood. 6383 -- Daffy Duck, "Robin Hood Daffy", [1958, Chuck Jones] 6384% 6385I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from man. 6386% 6387I'm a Lisp variable -- bind me! 6388% 6389I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my sister. 6390% 6391I'm changing my name to Chrysler 6392I'm going down to Washington, D.C. 6393I'll tell some power broker 6394 What they did for Iacocca 6395Will be perfectly acceptable to me! 6396I'm changing my name to Chrysler, 6397I'm heading for that great receiving line. 6398When they hand a million grand out, 6399 I'll be standing with my hand out, 6400Yessir, I'll get mine! 6401 -- Tom Paxton 6402% 6403I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did. 6404% 6405I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to 6406die in. 6407 -- George McGovern 6408% 6409I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man. 6410 -- Fred Allen 6411% 6412I'm going to live forever, or die trying! 6413 -- Spider Robinson 6414% 6415... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM of a 6416KOSHER DELI!! 6417% 6418I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here? 6419 -- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate 6420% 6421I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be 6422living apart. 6423 -- e. e. cummings 6424% 6425I'm N-ary the tree, I am, 6426N-ary the tree, I am, I am. 6427I'm getting traversed by the parser next door, 6428She's traversed me seven times before. 6429And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!) 6430Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!) 6431I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary. 6432N-ary the tree I am, I am, 6433N-ary the tree I am. 6434% 6435I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. 6436It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get. 6437% 6438I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday life. 6439% 6440I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is 6441-- I could be just as proud for half the money. 6442 -- Arthur Godfrey 6443% 6444I'm rated PG-34!! 6445% 6446I'm really enjoying not talking to you ... Let's not talk again ____REAL 6447soon ... 6448% 6449I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it 6450(your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage. 6451 -- English Professor, Providence College 6452% 6453I'm very good at integral and differential calculus, 6454I know the scientific names of beings animalculous; 6455In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, 6456I am the very model of a modern Major-General. 6457 -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "Pirates of Penzance" 6458% 6459I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's lives 6460% 6461I've built a better model than the one at Data General 6462For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral 6463My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality; 6464My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality. 6465My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity, 6466You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity; 6467There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting; 6468My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting. 6469 6470I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point: 6471There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point, 6472Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral 6473I've built a better model than the one at Data General. 6474 6475 -- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song" (To the tune of 6476 "Modern Major General", from "Pirates of Penzance", 6477 by Gilbert & Sullivan) 6478% 6479I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand. 6480% 6481I've found my niche. If you're wondering why I'm not there, there was 6482this little hole in the bottom ... 6483 -- John Croll 6484% 6485I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself. 6486% 6487I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. 6488 -- Groucho Marx 6489% 6490I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes 6491on the same day. 6492% 6493I've seen better heads on half a pint of beer. 6494% 6495I've seen, I SAY, I've seen better heads on a mug of beer. 6496 -- Senator Claghorn 6497% 6498I've seen Sun monitors on fire off the side of the multimedia lab. 6499I've seen NTU lights glitter in the dark near the Mail Gate. 6500All these things will be lost in time, like the root partition last week. 6501Time to die... 6502 -- Peter Gutmann 6503% 6504I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness; 6505And from that full meridian of my glory 6506I haste now to my setting. I shall fall, 6507Like a bright exhalation in the evening 6508And no man see me more. 6509 -- Shakespeare 6510% 6511IBM had a PL/I, 6512 Its syntax worse than JOSS; 6513And everywhere this language went, 6514 It was a total loss. 6515% 6516Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box 6517of candy weighing less than fifty pounds. 6518% 6519Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like 6520solitary confinement. 6521% 6522Idiot Box, n.: 6523 The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the 6524stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves. 6525 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 6526% 6527Idiot, n.: 6528 A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human 6529affairs has always been dominant and controlling. 6530 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 6531% 6532If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape 6533at about 30 miles/second. 6534 -- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming 6535% 6536If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law. 6537 -- Roy Santoro 6538% 6539If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far. 6540 -- Paul White 6541% 6542If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus 6543forecast is a camel's behind. 6544 -- Edgar R. Fiedler 6545% 6546If A equals success, then the formula is _A = _X + _Y + _Z. _X is work. _Y 6547is play. _Z is keep your mouth shut. 6548 -- Albert Einstein 6549% 6550If a group of _N persons implements a COBOL compiler, there will be _N-1 6551passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager. 6552 -- T. Cheatham 6553% 6554If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four 6555hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where 6556it votes guilty. 6557 -- Joseph C. Goulden 6558% 6559If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake 6560him up. 6561% 6562If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country. 6563% 6564If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have 6565dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to 6566maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it 6567must drop. The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf. 6568 -- Donald A. Metz 6569% 6570If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good 6571attitude. If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to 6572playing the game right. If it plays the game right, it will win -- 6573unless, of course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager 6574can make goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry? 6575 -- Sparky Anderson 6576% 6577If all be true that I do think, 6578There be Five Reasons why one should Drink; 6579Good friends, good wine, or being dry, 6580Or lest we should be by-and-by, 6581Or any other reason why. 6582% 6583If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular 6584error. 6585 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 6586% 6587If all the Chinese simultaneously jumped into the Pacific off a 10 foot 6588platform erected 10 feet off their coast, it would cause a tidal wave 6589that would destroy everything in this country west of Nebraska. 6590% 6591If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. 6592 -- Paul Beatty 6593% 6594If all the world's economists were laid end to end, we wouldn't reach a 6595conclusion. 6596 -- William Baumol 6597% 6598If an S and an I and an O and a U 6599With an X at the end spell Su; 6600And an E and a Y and an E spell I, 6601Pray what is a speller to do? 6602Then, if also an S and an I and a G 6603And an HED spell side, 6604There's nothing much left for a speller to do 6605But to go commit siouxeyesighed. 6606 -- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament" 6607% 6608If anything can go wrong, it will. 6609% 6610If at first you don't succeed, give up. No use being a damn fool. 6611% 6612If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. 6613% 6614If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four 6615tellers? 6616% 6617If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television? 6618% 6619If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from? 6620% 6621If everybody minded their own business, the world would go 6622around a deal faster. 6623 -- The Duchess, "Through the Looking Glass" 6624% 6625If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane. 6626% 6627... If forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with 6628the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls 6629asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead ... 6630 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 6631% 6632If God didn't mean for us to juggle, tennis balls wouldn't come three 6633to a can. 6634% 6635If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire. 6636% 6637If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet. 6638% 6639If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit Ears. 6640% 6641If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their Heads. 6642% 6643If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with 6644green, baggy skin. 6645% 6646If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way. 6647% 6648If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to 6649invent it. 6650% 6651If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger 6652hands. 6653% 6654If God is dead, who will save the Queen? 6655% 6656If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions? 6657% 6658If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows. 6659 -- Yiddish saying 6660% 6661If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs? 6662 -- Marvin Kitman 6663% 6664If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE will be 6665replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET! 6666% 6667If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive! 6668 -- Samuel Goldwyn 6669% 6670If I don't drive around the park, 6671I'm pretty sure to make my mark. 6672If I'm in bed each night by ten, 6673I may get back my looks again. 6674If I abstain from fun and such, 6675I'll probably amount to much; 6676But I shall stay the way I am, 6677Because I do not give a damn. 6678 -- Dorothy Parker 6679% 6680If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture. 6681% 6682If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell, I'd sell the 6683plantation and go home. 6684 -- Eugene P. Gallagher 6685% 6686If I had any humility I would be perfect. 6687 -- Ted Turner 6688% 6689If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith. 6690 -- Albert Einstein 6691% 6692If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the 6693shoulders of giants. 6694 -- Isaac Newton 6695 6696In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side 6697with the giants on whose shoulders we stand. 6698 -- Gerald Holton 6699 6700If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing 6701on my shoulders. 6702 -- Hal Abelson 6703 6704In computer science, we stand on each other's feet. 6705 -- Brian K. Reid 6706% 6707If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction. 6708 6709On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, that is 6710also a psychological interaction. 6711 6712The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not so 6713friendly. 6714 6715The crucial point is if you can tell which is which. 6716 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" 6717% 6718If I traveled to the end of the rainbow 6719As Dame Fortune did intend, 6720Murphy would be there to tell me 6721The pot's at the other end. 6722 -- Bert Whitney 6723% 6724If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people? 6725% 6726If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune. 6727% 6728If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him. 6729They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun 6730of it. 6731 -- Thomas Carlyle 6732% 6733If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they 6734forgot to send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll 6735just think the other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. 6736And if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* 6737pieces of mail get lost, why they'll think someone *else* is broken! 6738And if 1Gb of mail gets lost, they'll just *know* that Arpa is down and 6739think it's a conspiracy to keep them from their God given right to 6740receive Net Mail ... 6741 -- Leith (Casey) Leedom 6742% 6743If life is a stage, I want some better lighting. 6744% 6745If little else, the brain is an educational toy. 6746 -- Tom Robbins 6747% 6748If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women 6749you've got in the house. 6750 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 6751% 6752If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by 6753the page number. 6754% 6755If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it. 6756% 6757If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think 6758little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and 6759Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination. 6760 -- Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859) 6761% 6762If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants. 6763 -- A. Einstein. 6764% 6765If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit 6766in my name at a Swiss bank. 6767 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 6768% 6769If only I could be respected without having to be respectable. 6770% 6771If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without 6772having to accomplish anything. 6773% 6774If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, 6775he should see how bad it is with representation. 6776% 6777If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of 6778arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the 6779physical world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker 6780entirely by the use of the mathematics of probability. 6781 -- Vannevar Bush 6782% 6783If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied 6784harder. 6785 -- Pope John Paul I 6786% 6787If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem. 6788 -- C. Durance, Computer Science 234 6789% 6790If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would 6791presumably flunk it. 6792 -- Stanley Garn 6793% 6794If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong. 6795 -- Norm Schryer 6796% 6797If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to 6798get the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. 6799See in college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving 6800the natural method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting 6801that you shall learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The 6802college, which should be a place of delightful labor, is made odious 6803and unhealthy, and the young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to 6804rally their jaded spirits. I would have the studies elective. 6805Scholarship is to be created not by compulsion, but by awakening a pure 6806interest in knowledge. The wise instructor accomplishes this by 6807opening to his pupils precisely the attractions the study has for 6808himself. The marking is a system for schools, not for the college; for 6809boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to put on a professor. 6810 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 6811% 6812If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me! 6813 -- "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920) 6814% 6815If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances 6816are 50-50 it will. 6817% 6818If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down. 6819If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down. 6820If the bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance 6821will exceed all expectations. 6822 -- Reverend Chichester 6823% 6824If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams. 6825% 6826If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that 6827will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. 6828% 6829If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? 6830 -- Art Hoppe 6831% 6832If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make 6833something out of you. 6834 -- Muhammad Ali 6835% 6836If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it. 6837% 6838If this is timesharing, give me my share right now. 6839% 6840If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same? 6841% 6842If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was 6843yesterday? 6844% 6845If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is 6846doing the thinking. 6847 -- Lyndon Baines Johnson 6848% 6849If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. 6850 -- Laurence J. Peter 6851% 6852If value corrupts then absolute value corrupts absolutely 6853% 6854If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage. 6855% 6856If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel 6857in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary 6858qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted. 6859 -- Marguerite Emmons 6860% 6861If you are a fatalist, what can you do about it? 6862 -- Ann Edwards-Duff 6863% 6864If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars. 6865 -- J. Paul Getty 6866% 6867If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse. 6868% 6869If you can read this, you're too close. 6870% 6871If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything. 6872% 6873If you can't be good, be careful. 6874If you can't be careful, give me a call. 6875% 6876If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly. 6877% 6878If you cannot convince them, confuse them. 6879 -- Harry S Truman 6880% 6881If you didn't get caught, did you really do it? 6882% 6883If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost. 6884% 6885If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours. 6886 -- Clarence Day 6887% 6888If you don't have a nasty obituary you probably didn't matter. 6889 -- Freeman Dyson 6890% 6891If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little 6892Lavoris in the toilet. 6893 -- Jay Leno 6894% 6895If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to 6896either of you for the rest of the day. 6897% 6898If you ever want to get anywhere in politics, my boy, you're going to 6899have to get a toehold in the public eye. 6900% 6901If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody 6902will. 6903% 6904If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it 6905will always do it. 6906 -- Les Aspin, D., Wisconsin 6907% 6908If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is 6909make the rubble bounce. 6910 -- Winston Churchill 6911% 6912If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous. 6913% 6914If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some. 6915% 6916If you have to hate, hate gently. 6917% 6918If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to 6919boot yourself in the posterior. 6920 -- A. J. Liebling, "The Press" 6921% 6922If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away. 6923% 6924If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee. 6925 -- Graham Summer 6926% 6927If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few 6928people die past the age of a hundred. 6929 -- George Burns 6930% 6931If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; 6932but if you really make them think they'll hate you. 6933% 6934If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail. 6935 -- Maslow 6936% 6937If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure 6938can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly 6939develop. 6940% 6941If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite 6942you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. 6943 -- Mark Twain 6944% 6945If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine, 6946you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get 6947ice, but no cup. 6948% 6949If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But 6950this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is 6951somehow ennobled and none dare criticize it. 6952% 6953If you sit down at a poker game and don't see a sucker, get up. You're 6954the sucker. 6955% 6956If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair. 6957% 6958If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker, 6959It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock. 6960 Or some joker who is slicker, 6961 Will trick you of your liquor, 6962If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock. 6963% 6964If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. 6965 -- Derek Bok, president of Harvard 6966% 6967If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens 6968tomorrow! 6969% 6970If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car 6971payments. 6972 -- Earl Wilson 6973% 6974If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it. 6975 -- Arthur Kasspe 6976% 6977If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest 6978shopping center in the world? 6979 -- Richard M. Nixon 6980% 6981If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would 6982be to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call 6983you to say they had a nice time. Now you'll be be expected to throw 6984another party next year. 6985 6986What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake up 6987several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've 6988been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to 6989avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning 6990parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from 6991having another one ... 6992 6993If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door, unless 6994your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas 6995through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure 6996that they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting 6997someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you ... 6998 -- Dave Barry 6999% 7000If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them 7001end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable. 7002 -- "Graffiti in the Big Ten" 7003% 7004If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything. 7005 -- A. L. 7006% 7007If you want divine justice, die. 7008 -- Nick Seldon 7009% 7010If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people 7011he gave it to. 7012 -- Dorothy Parker 7013% 7014If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the 7015Constitution. It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's 7016statecraft. Instead, read selected portions of the Washington 7017telephone directory containing listings for all the organizations with 7018titles beginning with the word "National". 7019 -- George Will 7020% 7021If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every 7022word you say, talk in your sleep. 7023% 7024If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some 7025memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' it, 7026even if they don't know what it means. 7027 -- Walt Kelly, "The Pogo Party" 7028% 7029If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings -- including this one. 7030% 7031If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for 7032tomorrow morning, sleep late. 7033 -- Henny Youngman 7034% 7035If you're happy, you're successful. 7036% 7037 If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs 7038around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace 7039explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The 7040"professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on the sides and 7041deposits a large quantity of tools and two assistants who spend the 7042better part of the week in your basement whacking objects at random 7043with heavy wrenches, after which the "professional" returns and gives 7044you a bill for slightly more money than it would cost you to run a 7045successful campaign for the U.S. Senate. 7046 And that's why you've decided to start doing things yourself. 7047You figure, "If those guys can fix my furnace, then so can I. How 7048difficult can it be?" 7049 Very difficult. In fact, most home projects are impossible, 7050which is why you should do them yourself. There is no point in paying 7051other people to screw things up when you can easily screw them up 7052yourself for far less money. This article can help you. 7053 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 7054% 7055If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. 7056% 7057If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory. 7058 -- Benjamin Disraeli 7059% 7060If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%? 7061% 7062If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round it 7063off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the universe? 7064% 7065If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all. 7066 -- Ronald Reagan 7067% 7068Ignisecond, n.: 7069 The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car 7070door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!" 7071 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 7072% 7073Il brilgue: les t^oves libricilleux 7074 Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave, 7075Enm^im'es sont les gougebosquex, 7076 Et le m^omerade horgrave. 7077 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" 7078% 7079Iles's Law: 7080 There is always an easier way to do it. When looking directly 7081at the easy way, especially for long periods, you will not see it. 7082Neither will Iles. 7083% 7084Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot -- it's more like the 7085land He's trying to ignore. 7086% 7087Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality. 7088 -- Jules de Gaultier 7089% 7090Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the 7091usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody 7092thinks of complaining. 7093 -- Jeff Raskin, interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal 7094% 7095Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has 7096a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk 7097storage, a screen resolution of 4096 x 4096 pixels, relies entirely on 7098voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300. 7099What's the first question that the computer community asks? 7100 7101"Is it PC compatible?" 7102% 7103Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery. 7104 -- Jack Paar 7105% 7106Immortality -- a fate worse than death. 7107 -- Edgar A. Shoaff 7108% 7109Impartial, adj.: 7110 Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from 7111espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two 7112conflicting opinions. 7113 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 7114% 7115Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the 7116mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the 7117Boss is reading it. 7118% 7119Impossible, adj.: 7120 (1) I wouldn't like it and when it happens I won't approve; 7121 (2) I can't be bothered; 7122 (3) God can't be bothered. 7123Meaning (3) may perhaps be valid but the others are 101% whaledreck. 7124 -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab" 7125% 7126In 1750 Issac Newton became discouraged when he fell up a flight of 7127stairs. 7128% 7129In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled waffles. 7130% 7131In 1880 the French captured Detroit but gave it back ... they couldn't 7132get parts. 7133% 7134In 1914, the first crossword puzzle was printed in a newspaper. The 7135creator received $4000 down ... and $3000 across. 7136% 7137In 1915 pancake make-up was invented but most people still preferred 7138syrup. 7139% 7140In a five year period we can get one superb programming language. Only 7141we can't control when the five year period will begin. 7142% 7143 In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi, 7144junior, what are you up to?" 7145 "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the 7146rabbit. 7147 "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!" 7148 "Well, follow me and I'll show you." They both go into the 7149rabbit's dwelling and after a while the rabbit emerges with a satisfied 7150expression on his face. 7151 Comes along a wolf. "Hello, what are we doing these days?" 7152 "I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits 7153devour wolves." 7154 "Are you crazy? Where is your academic honesty?" 7155 "Come with me and I'll show you." As before, the rabbit comes 7156out with a satisfied look on his face and a diploma in his paw. 7157Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave and, as everybody 7158should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge lion sitting 7159next to some bloody and furry remnants of the wolf and the fox. 7160 7161The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are important -- 7162it's your PhD advisor that really counts. 7163% 7164In a medium in which a News Piece takes a minute and an "In-Depth" 7165Piece takes two minutes, the Simple will drive out the Complex. 7166 -- Frank Mankiewicz 7167% 7168In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus, 7169"one when he was a boy and one when he was a man." 7170 -- Mark Twain 7171% 7172In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground 7173with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries. Anthropologists call 7174this a form of primitive self-expression. In America we call it golf. 7175% 7176In America today ... we have Woody Allen, whose humor has become so 7177sophisticated that nobody gets it any more except Mia Farrow. All 7178those who think Mia Farrow should go back to making movies where the 7179devil gets her pregnant and Woody Allen should go back to dressing up 7180as a human sperm, please raise your hands. Thank you. 7181 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" 7182% 7183In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one 7184of the risks he takes. 7185 -- Adlai Stevenson 7186% 7187In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own 7188incompetency 7189 -- The Peter Principle 7190% 7191In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks) 7192are to be treated as variables. 7193% 7194In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of 7195nations -- it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir. 7196 -- Stuart Keate 7197% 7198In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own 7199at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public. 7200% 7201In Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs. 7202% 7203In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools 7204will be temporarily canceled. 7205% 7206In case of injury notify your superior immediately. He'll kiss it and 7207make it better. 7208% 7209In Columbia, Pennsylvania, it is against the law for a pilot to tickle 7210a female flying student under her chin with a feather duster in order 7211to get her attention. 7212% 7213In Corning, Iowa, it's a misdemeanor for a man to ask his wife to ride 7214in any motor vehicle. 7215% 7216In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable. 7217 -- Winston Churchill, of Montgomery 7218% 7219In Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door 7220neighbor. 7221% 7222In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset. 7223% 7224In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last 7225resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but 7226inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first. 7227 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 7228% 7229In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our 7230programming languages. 7231% 7232In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on 7233the sidewalks when a concert is on. 7234% 7235In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come 7236into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish 7237between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which 7238will only make it mushy. 7239 -- Mark Twain 7240% 7241In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your 7242pocket. 7243% 7244In Lowes Crossroads, Delaware, it is a violation of local law for any 7245pilot or passenger to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket while 7246either flying or waiting to board a plane. 7247% 7248In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless 7249there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red 7250flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians. 7251% 7252In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as 7253to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the 7254speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00. 7255% 7256In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the 7257universe. 7258 -- Carl Sagan, Cosmos 7259% 7260In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, 7261intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from 7262the cares of office. 7263 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 7264% 7265In Pocataligo, Georgia, it is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds 7266and attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane. 7267% 7268In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying 7269of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public 7270view." 7271% 7272In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space 7273Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways. 7274Our asymptotes no longer out of phase, 7275We shall encounter, counting, face to face. 7276 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 7277% 7278In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that 7279is over six feet in length. 7280% 7281In seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way. 7282 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 7283% 7284In short, _N is Richardian if, and only if, _N is not Richardian. 7285% 7286In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's. 7287% 7288In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a 7289moving automobile. 7290% 7291[In the 60's] there was madness in any direction, at any hour ... You 7292could strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense 7293that whatever we were doing was `right', that we were winning ... 7294 7295And that, I think, was the handle -- the sense of inevitable victory 7296over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we 7297didn't need that. Our energy would simply `prevail'. There was no 7298point in fighting -- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; 7299we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave .... 7300 7301So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in 7302Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost 7303___see the high-water mark -- the place where the wave finally broke and 7304rolled back. 7305 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" 7306% 7307In the beginning was the word. 7308But by the time the second word was added to it, 7309there was trouble. 7310For with it came syntax ... 7311 -- John Simon 7312% 7313In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he sat 7314hacking at the PDP-6. "What are you doing?", asked Minsky. "I am 7315training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe." "Why is the 7316net wired randomly?", asked Minsky. "I do not want it to have any 7317preconceptions of how to play." Minsky shut his eyes. "Why do you 7318close your eyes?", Sussman asked his teacher. "So the room will be 7319empty." At that moment, Sussman was enlightened. 7320% 7321In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in 7322the proper order then why can't he? 7323% 7324In the land of the dark, the Ship of the Sun is driven by the Grateful 7325Dead. 7326 -- Egyptian Book of the Dead 7327% 7328In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble. 7329 -- Alan Perlis 7330% 7331In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or 7332a loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it 7333to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by 7334forty lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you 7335stole a dog and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit 7336punches, although it was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong 7337enough to punch you. 7338 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 7339% 7340In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has 7341shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the 7342Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million 7343three hundred thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years 7344from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. 7345... There is something fascinating about science. One gets such 7346wholesome returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of 7347fact. 7348 -- Mark Twain 7349% 7350In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to 7351drop out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at 7352discotheques. 7353 -- Art Linkletter 7354% 7355In those days he was wiser than he is now -- he used to frequently take 7356my advice. 7357 -- Winston Churchill 7358% 7359In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without 7360the supervision of a licensed engineer. 7361% 7362In West Union, Ohio, No married man can go flying without his spouse 7363along at any time, unless he has been married for more than 12 months. 7364% 7365Incumbent, n.: 7366 Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents. 7367 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 7368% 7369... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves 7370smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat. It is 7371not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery. 7372 -- Stephen Crane 7373% 7374Indifference will be the downfall of mankind, but who cares? 7375% 7376Individualists unite! 7377% 7378Infancy, n.: 7379 The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven 7380lies about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon 7381afterward. 7382 -- Ambrose Bierce 7383% 7384Information Center, n.: 7385 A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is 7386to tell you why you cannot have the information you require. 7387% 7388Ingrate, n.: 7389 A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of 7390indigestion. 7391% 7392Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. 7393 -- Martin Luther King, Jr. 7394% 7395Ink, n.: 7396 A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and 7397water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote 7398intellectual crime. 7399 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 7400% 7401Innovation is hard to schedule. 7402 -- Dan Fylstra 7403% 7404Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids. 7405% 7406Insanity is the final defense ... It's hard to get a refund when the 7407salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon. 7408% 7409Interpreter, n.: 7410 One who enables two persons of different languages to 7411understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to 7412the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said. 7413 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 7414% 7415Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure. 7416% 7417I/O, I/O, 7418It's off to disk I go, 7419A bit or byte to read or write, 7420I/O, I/O, I/O 7421% 7422 INVENTORY 7423Four be the things I am wiser to know: 7424Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe. 7425 7426Four be the things I'd been better without: 7427Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt. 7428 7429Three be the things I shall never attain: 7430Envy, content, and sufficient champagne. 7431 7432Three be the things I shall have till I die: 7433Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye. 7434% 7435Iron Law of Distribution: 7436 Them that has, gets. 7437% 7438Irrationality is the square root of all evil 7439 -- Douglas Hofstadter 7440% 7441Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is 7442meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as a 7443soap bubble? 7444% 7445Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the 7446beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get 7447out, and such as are out wish to get in? 7448 -- Ralph Emerson 7449% 7450Is your job running? You'd better go catch it! 7451% 7452Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction 7453listen to weather forecasts and economists? 7454 -- Kelvin Throop III 7455% 7456Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune 7457tellers take economists seriously? 7458% 7459Issawi's Laws of Progress: 7460 7461 The Course of Progress: 7462 Most things get steadily worse. 7463 7464 The Path of Progress: 7465 A shortcut is the longest distance between two points. 7466% 7467It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself working 7468as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. One slow day, he found that he 7469had time to chat with the new entrants. To the first one he asked, 7470"What's your IQ?" The new arrival replied, "190". They discussed 7471Einstein's theory of relativity for hours. When the second new arrival 7472came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's IQ. The answer 7473this time came "120". To which Einstein replied, "Tell me, how did the 7474Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half an hour or so. 7475To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the question, "What's 7476your IQ?". Upon receiving the answer "70", Einstein smiled and asked, 7477"Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?" 7478% 7479It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater. The clown 7480came out to inform the public. They thought it was just a jest and 7481applauded. He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder. So I 7482think the world will come to an end amid general applause from all the 7483wits, who believe that it is a joke. 7484 -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855) 7485% 7486It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is 7487thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have 7488drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell. 7489 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 7490% 7491It has been said [by Anatole France], "it is not by amusing oneself 7492that one learns," and, in reply: "it is *____only* by amusing oneself that 7493one can learn." 7494 -- Edward Kasner and James R. Newman 7495% 7496It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have 7497been searching for evidence which could support this. 7498 -- Bertrand Russell 7499% 7500It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. 7501% 7502It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to 7503program. What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in 7504organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be 7505self-critical? 7506 -- Alan Perlis 7507% 7508It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of 7509Urbana, Illinois. 7510% 7511It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will 7512not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves 7513and because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like 7514mature human beings ... 7515 -- Playboy, January 1983 7516% 7517It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a 7518pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the 7519sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color. 7520 -- Voltaire 7521% 7522It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what 7523they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed 7524that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so 7525much -- the wheel, New York wars and so on -- whilst all the dolphins 7526had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But 7527conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more 7528intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons. 7529 7530Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending 7531destruction of the of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to 7532alert mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were 7533misinterpreted ... 7534 -- Douglas Adams "The Hitch-Hikers' Guide To The Galaxy" 7535% 7536It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be 7537coming up it. 7538 -- Henry Allen 7539% 7540It is better never to have been born. But who among us has such luck? 7541One in a million, perhaps. 7542% 7543It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark 7544% 7545It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three 7546benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never 7547to use either. 7548 -- Mark Twain 7549% 7550It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both 7551incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by 7552twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. 7553 -- Rod Serling 7554% 7555It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is 7556lightly greased. 7557 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 7558% 7559It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its 7560proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community 7561a better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to 7562treat your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the 7563focus of attention, the harder the task. 7564 -- Sydney J. Harris 7565% 7566It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa. 7567% 7568It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 7569% 7570It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one. 7571% 7572It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because 7573if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of 7574people. 7575 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" 7576% 7577It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood 7578Boulevard at one time. 7579% 7580It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia. 7581% 7582It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry 7583a tune. 7584 -- Woody Allen 7585% 7586It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so 7587ingenious. 7588% 7589It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not 7590desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off. 7591 -- Woody Allen 7592% 7593It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our 7594offense consists in doubting it. 7595 -- Justice Robert H. Jackson 7596% 7597It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the 7598problem. 7599% 7600It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be 7601privileged to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to 7602corrupt the youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles. 7603 -- George Bernard Shaw 7604% 7605It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail. 7606 -- Gore Vidal 7607% 7608It is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it's one 7609damn thing over and over. 7610 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay 7611% 7612It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is? 7613 -- Elizabeth Carpenter 7614% 7615It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit. 7616% 7617It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that 7618virginity could be a virtue. 7619 -- Voltaire 7620% 7621It is only people of small moral stature who have to stand on their 7622dignity. 7623% 7624It is only the great men who are truly obscene. If they had not dared 7625to be obscene, they could never have dared to be great. 7626 -- Havelock Ellis 7627% 7628It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to 7629students that have had prior exposure to BASIC: as potential 7630programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of 7631regeneration. 7632 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 7633% 7634It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the 7635lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as 7636high as the eagle? 7637% 7638It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a 7639statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more 7640glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through 7641which we look, which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the 7642day, that is the highest of arts. 7643 -- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live" 7644% 7645It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad 7646crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed 7647until the other has gone. 7648% 7649It is the business of little minds to shrink. 7650 -- Carl Sandburg 7651% 7652It is the business of the future to be dangerous. 7653 -- Hawkwind 7654% 7655It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for 7656five straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity. But 7657it takes Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you. 7658% 7659It is very difficult to prophesy, especially when it pertains to the 7660future. 7661% 7662It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out. 7663% 7664It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too 7665good either if you speak when your head is empty. 7666% 7667It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a 7668warning to others. 7669% 7670It runs like _x, where _x is something unsavory 7671 -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435 7672% 7673It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the 7674flag. 7675% 7676It shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the 7677municipality. 7678 -- Local ordinance, Euclid Ohio 7679% 7680It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, 7681but I couldn't give up because by that time I was too famous. 7682 -- Robert Benchly 7683% 7684It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead. 7685% 7686It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set foot. 7687% 7688It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a 7689breeze was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was 7690broken ... 7691 -- James Dent 7692% 7693It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps 7694I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I 7695don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and 7696the signature (which I guessed at). There's a singular and a perpetual 7697charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its 7698novelty .... Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but 7699yours are kept forever -- unread. One of them will last a reasonable 7700man a lifetime. 7701 -- Thomas Aldrich 7702% 7703 It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east 7704laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The 7705thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, 7706nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying 7707for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's. 7708 Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating 7709under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting 7710icepacks. 7711 -- The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 7712% 7713It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly. It was more like 7714the rose and the teeth were in the same glass. 7715% 7716It will be advantageous to cross the great stream ... the Dragon is on 7717the wing in the Sky ... the Great Man rouses himself to his Work. 7718% 7719It will be generally found that those who sneer habitually at human 7720nature and affect to despise it, are among its worst and least pleasant 7721examples. 7722 -- Charles Dickens 7723% 7724It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing 7725warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or 7726two things still safe to eat. 7727 -- Robert Fuoss 7728% 7729It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word. 7730 -- Andrew Jackson 7731% 7732It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear. 7733 -- Cheers 7734% 7735It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for. 7736% 7737It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. 7738 -- Steven Wright 7739% 7740"It's a summons." 7741"What's a summons?" 7742"It means summon's in trouble." 7743 -- Rocky and Bullwinkle 7744% 7745It's a very *__UN*lucky week in which to be took dead. 7746 -- Churchy La Femme 7747% 7748It's always darkest just before it gets pitch black. 7749% 7750It's bad luck to be superstitious. 7751 -- Andrew W. Mathis 7752% 7753It's better to be wanted for murder than not to be wanted at all. 7754 -- Marty Winch 7755% 7756"It's easier said than done." 7757 7758... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than 7759said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than 7760said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than 7761done". 7762% 7763It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. 7764% 7765It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for 7766being right. 7767% 7768It's Fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an hour! 7769 -- Macy's 7770% 7771It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse. 7772% 7773It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it 7774is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It 7775isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs. 7776 -- Oxford University Press, "Edpress News" 7777% 7778It's just a jump to the left 7779 And then a step to the right. 7780Put your hands on your hips 7781 And pull your knees in tight. 7782But it's the pelvic thrust 7783 That really drives you insa-a-a-a-a-ane! 7784 7785 LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN! 7786 7787 -- Rocky Horror Picture Show 7788% 7789It's kind of fun to do the impossible. 7790 -- Walt Disney 7791% 7792"It's Like This" 7793 7794Even the samurai 7795have teddy bears, 7796and even the teddy bears 7797get drunk. 7798% 7799It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong 7800direction. 7801% 7802It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name. 7803% 7804It's more than magnificent -- it's mediocre. 7805 -- Sam Goldwyn 7806% 7807It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how 7808to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair. 7809 -- George Burns 7810% 7811It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. 7812 -- Phil White 7813% 7814It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either. 7815 -- Kevin White, mayor of Boston 7816% 7817It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too. 7818 -- Alexander Korda 7819% 7820It's not just a computer -- it's your ass. 7821 -- Cal Keegan 7822% 7823It's not reality or how you perceive things that's important -- it's 7824what you're taking for it... 7825% 7826It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off 7827the ground. 7828 -- Daniel B. Luten 7829% 7830It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it 7831happens. 7832 -- Woody Allen 7833% 7834It's not the valleys in life I dread so much as the dips. 7835 -- Garfield 7836% 7837It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that 7838English is the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many 7839other languages "You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case. 7840 -- Sydney J. Harris 7841% 7842It's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ... 7843% 7844It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles. 7845% 7846It's so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the 7847Devil when he is the only explanation of it. 7848% 7849It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which 7850raises the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody 7851not to. 7852 -- Franklin P. Jones 7853% 7854It's the thought, if any, that counts! 7855% 7856 JACK AND THE BEANSTACK 7857 by Mark Isaak 7858 7859 Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL 7860character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their 7861hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices 7862are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some 7863BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it 7864to him. 7865 So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path, 7866he met the traveling salesman. 7867 "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman 7868in high-level language. 7869 "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips 7870and Apples," commented Jack. 7871 "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue 7872there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now." 7873 Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when 7874he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she 7875started thrashing. 7876 "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these 7877kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the 7878window ... 7879% 7880Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government: 7881 No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the 7882legislature is in session. 7883% 7884James Joyce -- an essentially private man who wished his total 7885indifference to public notice to be universally recognized. 7886 -- Tom Stoppard 7887% 7888Jenkinson's Law: 7889 It won't work. 7890% 7891Jesus Saves, 7892Moses Invests, 7893But only Buddha pays Dividends. 7894% 7895Job Placement, n.: 7896 Telling your boss what he can do with your job. 7897% 7898Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes! 7899% 7900Johnson's First Law: 7901 When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the 7902most inconvenient possible time. 7903% 7904Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called 7905"Bureaucracy". Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do 7906anything loses. 7907% 7908Join the march to save individuality! 7909% 7910Jone's Law: 7911 The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone 7912to blame it on. 7913% 7914Jone's Motto: 7915 Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate. 7916% 7917Jones's First Law: 7918 Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of 7919endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an obstruction 7920to its progress -- in direct proportion to the importance of their 7921original contribution. 7922% 7923Just about every computer on the market today runs Unix, except the Mac 7924(and nobody cares about it). 7925 -- Bill Joy 6/21/85 7926% 7927Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good 7928solutions seldom black or white. Beware of the solution that requires 7929one side to be totally the loser and the other side to be totally the 7930winner. The reason there are two sides to begin with usually is 7931because neither side has all the facts. Therefore, when the wise 7932mediator effects a compromise, he is not acting from political 7933motivation. Rather, he is acting from a deep sense of respect for the 7934whole truth. 7935 -- Stephen R. Schwambach 7936% 7937Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has 7938changed. 7939 -- Irene Peter 7940% 7941Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you. 7942% 7943Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he 7944knows what it is. 7945% 7946Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you 7947get a prompt, type like hell. 7948% 7949Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't 7950immune to bullets. 7951 -- The Brigader, "Dr. Who" 7952% 7953Just out of curiosity does this actually mean something or have some 7954of the few remaining bits of your brain just evaporated? 7955 -- Patricia O Tuama, rissa@killer.DALLAS.TX.US 7956% 7957Just remember, it all started with a mouse. 7958 -- Walt Disney 7959% 7960Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to 7961twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty! 7962% 7963`Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried, 7964 As he landed his crew with care; 7965Supporting each man on the top of the tide 7966 By a finger entwined in his hair. 7967 7968'Just the place for a Snark! I have said it twice: 7969 That alone should encourage the crew. 7970Just the place for a Snark! I have said it thrice: 7971 What I tell you three times is true.' 7972% 7973Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a 7974faster rat!!! 7975% 7976Justice always prevails ... three times out of seven! 7977 -- Michael J. Wagner 7978% 7979Justice is incidental to law and order. 7980 -- J. Edgar Hoover 7981% 7982Justice, n.: 7983 A decision in your favor. 7984% 7985K: Cobalt's metal, hard and shining; 7986 Cobol's wordy and confining; 7987 KOBOLDS topple when you strike them; 7988 Don't feel bad, it's hard to like them. 7989 -- The Roguelet's ABC 7990% 7991Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to 7992wear tail lights. 7993% 7994Katz' Law: 7995 Man and nations will act rationally when all other 7996possibilities have been exhausted. 7997% 7998Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans. 7999% 8000Keep Cool, but Don't Freeze 8001 - Hellman's Mayonnaise 8002% 8003Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis. 8004% 8005Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo. 8006% 8007Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee: 8008 (1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc 8009 straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this 8010 force is technically termed "car suck"). 8011 (2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive 8012 than "Watch this!" 8013% 8014Keep your Eye on the Ball, 8015Your Shoulder to the Wheel, 8016Your Nose to the Grindstone, 8017Your Feet on the Ground, 8018Your Head on your Shoulders. 8019Now ... try to get something DONE! 8020% 8021Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most 8022automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gage, nor any of the 8023numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the 8024driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the 8025dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know 8026what's wrong." 8027% 8028Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College: 8029 Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students, 8030and parking for the faculty. 8031% 8032Kids have *_____never* taken guidance from their parents. If you could 8033travel back in time and observe the original primate family in the 8034original tree, you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate 8035teenager for sitting around and sulking all day instead of hunting for 8036grubs and berries like dad primate. Then you'd see the primate 8037teenager stomp up to his branch and slam the leaves. 8038 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do" 8039% 8040Kin, n.: 8041 An affliction of the blood 8042% 8043Kinkler's First Law: 8044 Responsibility always exceeds authority. 8045 8046Kinkler's Second Law: 8047 All the easy problems have been solved. 8048% 8049Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack. 8050% 8051Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through 8052any of its streets. 8053% 8054Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic. 8055% 8056Kiss your keyboard goodbye! 8057% 8058Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within. 8059% 8060Kleptomaniac, n.: 8061 A rich thief. 8062 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8063% 8064Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A. 8065% 8066Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions. 8067 -- Henry N. Camp 8068% 8069Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr): 8070 The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards. 8071 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 8072% 8073Labor, n.: 8074 One of the processes by which A acquires property for B. 8075 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8076% 8077Lackland's Laws: 8078 (1) Never be first. 8079 (2) Never be last. 8080 (3) Never volunteer for anything 8081% 8082Lactomangulation, n.: 8083 Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly 8084that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side. 8085 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 8086% 8087Ladybug, ladybug, 8088Look to your stern! 8089Your house is on fire, 8090Your children will burn! 8091So jump ye and sing, for 8092The very first time 8093The four lines above 8094Have been put into rhyme. 8095 -- Walt Kelly 8096% 8097Laetrile is the pits 8098% 8099Langsam's Laws: 8100 (1) Everything depends. 8101 (2) Nothing is always. 8102 (3) Everything is sometimes. 8103% 8104Larkinson's Law: 8105 All laws are basically false. 8106% 8107Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she lived with 8108was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always getting 8109pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to the 8110farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their 8111sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do 8112you think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her? 8113What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead 8114of every week. What with all the time these people spent pinned under 8115the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops 8116whatsoever. They probably got by on federal crop supports, which 8117Lassie filed the applications for. 8118 -- Dave Barry 8119% 8120Last night, I came home and realized that everything in my apartment 8121had been stolen and replaced with an exact duplicate. I told this to 8122my friend -- he said, `Do I know you?' 8123 -- Steven Wright 8124% 8125Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police 8126record. I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album. Cops have no sense 8127of humor. 8128% 8129Last yeer I kudn't spel Engineer. Now I are won. 8130% 8131Laugh at your problems; everybody else does. 8132% 8133Laughter is the closest distance between two people." 8134 -- Victor Borge 8135% 8136Law of Communications: 8137 The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications 8138between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased area of 8139misunderstanding. 8140% 8141Law of Probable Dispersal: 8142 Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly 8143distributed. 8144% 8145Law of Selective Gravity: 8146 An object will fall so as to do the most damage. 8147 8148Jenning's Corollary: 8149 The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is 8150directly proportional to the cost of the carpet. 8151 8152Law of the Perversity of Nature: 8153 You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the 8154bread to butter. 8155% 8156Laws of Serendipity: 8157 8158 (1) In order to discover anything, you must be looking for 8159 something. 8160 (2) If you wish to make an improved product, you must already 8161 be engaged in making an inferior one. 8162% 8163Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: 8164 No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats -- 8165approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less. 8166% 8167Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads. 8168% 8169Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and 8170everything else follows in the same way. 8171 -- Alan J. Perlis 8172% 8173Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. 8174% 8175Legalize free-enterprise murder: why should governments have all the 8176fun? 8177% 8178Legislation proposed in the Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907: 8179 "Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour 8180unless the motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a 8181drink in 30 days, when the driver will be permitted to make what he 8182can." 8183% 8184Leibowitz's Rule: 8185 When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you 8186hold the hammer with both hands. 8187% 8188LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) 8189 You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are 8190 pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike 8191 honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people 8192 are thieves. 8193% 8194LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) 8195 Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore. 8196 Your ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because 8197 you've got a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of 8198 fact, if you can laugh at what happens to you today, you've got 8199 a sick sense of humor. 8200% 8201Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday. 8202% 8203Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a 8204number. You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash 8205and another number. 8206 -- James Estes 8207% 8208Let us live!!! 8209Let us love!!! 8210Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!! 8211 8212You first. 8213% 8214Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted. In every 8215relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive. If you 8216really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the 8217end. For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the 8218qualities I most admired in myself I gave up. I stopped being loud and 8219bossy ... Oh, all right. I was still loud and bossy, but only behind 8220his back. 8221 -- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn 8222% 8223Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick 8224your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as 8225Mental Anguish. You would sue: 8226 8227* The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions 8228 section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand 8229 into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls 8230 in there". 8231 8232* The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious 8233 cretin like yourself. 8234 8235* Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this 8236 case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you 8237 a large cash settlement anyway. 8238 -- Dave Barry 8239% 8240Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often 8241overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of 8242dollars: For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your 8243tax return around under your armpit. No IRS agent is going to want to 8244spend hours poring over a sweat-stained document. So even if you owe 8245money, you can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will 8246probably give it to you, just to avoid an audit. What does he care? 8247It's not his money. 8248 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" 8249% 8250LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London) 8251 8252Dear Sir, 8253 8254I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or 8255to the office. We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in 8256public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result 8257in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn 8258will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed 8259agricultural industry. 8260 8261Yours faithfully, 8262 Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J. P. 8263 Sevenoaks 8264% 8265Lewis's Law of Travel: 8266 The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to 8267anyone, ever. 8268% 8269Liar, n.: 8270 A lawyer with a roving commission. 8271 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8272% 8273Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have. 8274 -- Harry Emerson Fosdick 8275% 8276LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22) 8277 Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your 8278 desire for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and 8279 polite. Someone is watching you, so stop staring like that. 8280% 8281LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22) 8282 You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with 8283 reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay. 8284 Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most 8285 Libra women are prostitutes. All Libra people die of venereal 8286 disease. 8287% 8288Lie, n.: 8289 A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one 8290discovered to date. 8291% 8292Lieberman's Law: 8293 Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. 8294% 8295Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while. 8296% 8297Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string. 8298% 8299Life is like a bowl of soup with hairs floating on it. You have to 8300eat it nevertheless. 8301 -- Flaubert 8302% 8303Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it. 8304% 8305Life is like a simile. 8306% 8307Life is like an analogy. 8308% 8309Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find 8310there is nothing in it. 8311% 8312Life is too important to take seriously. 8313 -- Corky Siegel 8314% 8315Life may have no meaning -- or even worse, it may have a meaning of 8316which I disapprove. 8317% 8318Life to you is a bold and dashing responsibility. 8319 -- a Mary Chung's fortune cookie 8320% 8321Life would be much simpler and things would get done much faster if it 8322weren't for other people. 8323 -- Blore 8324% 8325Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code. 8326% 8327Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it. 8328 -- Marvin, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 8329% 8330Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made 8331sense from things she found in gift shops. 8332 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. 8333% 8334Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking 8335for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem. 8336 -- Alan McKay 8337% 8338Limericks are art forms complex, 8339Their topics run chiefly to sex. 8340 They usually have virgins, 8341 And masculine urgin's, 8342And other erotic effects. 8343% 8344Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations. 8345% 8346Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow. Maybe 8347 we should think only about today. 8348Charlie Brown: 8349 No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday will get 8350 better. 8351% 8352Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night. 8353 -- Candice Bergen 8354% 8355Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip 8356around the Sun. 8357% 8358Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted 8359before. 8360% 8361Lizzie Borden took an axe, 8362And plunged it deep into the VAX; 8363Don't you envy people who 8364Do all the things ___YOU want to do? 8365% 8366Loan-department manager: "There isn't any fine print. At these 8367interest rates, we don't need it." 8368% 8369Lobster: 8370 Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are 8371squeamish about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the 8372only proper method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to 8373eliminate your guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial 8374before they're cooked. The fact is, lobsters are among the most 8375ferocious predators on the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime 8376in the reefs. Grasp the lobster behind the head, look it right in its 8377unmistakably guilty eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of 8378the 21st?", then flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout, 8379"Perhaps this will refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a 8380memory!" The lobster will squirm noticeably. It may even take a swipe 8381at you with one of its claws. Incorrigible. Pop it into the pot. 8382Justice has been served, and shortly you and your friends will be, 8383too. 8384 -- Dave Barry, "Cooking: The Art of Using Appliances and 8385 Utensils into Excuses and Apologies" 8386% 8387Lockwood's Long Shot: 8388 The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street aren't 8389one in a million, but once would be enough. 8390% 8391Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree; that smells *_____awful*. 8392% 8393... Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and 8394legally ... impeccable! 8395% 8396Logicians have but ill defined 8397As rational the human kind. 8398Logic, they say, belongs to man, 8399But let them prove it if they can. 8400 -- Oliver Goldsmith 8401% 8402Look out! Behind you! 8403% 8404Look, we play the Star Spangled Banner before every game. You want us 8405to pay income taxes, too? 8406 -- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox 8407% 8408Loose bits sink chips. 8409% 8410Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying 8411"BOOGA, BOOGA!" 8412% 8413Lost interest? It's so bad I've lost apathy. 8414% 8415Loud burping while walking around the airport is prohibited in 8416Halstead, Kansas. 8417% 8418Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea. 8419% 8420Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the 8421world has ever seen. 8422% 8423Love cannot be much younger than the lust for murder. 8424 -- Sigmund Freud 8425% 8426Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it 8427flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come. 8428 -- Matt Groening 8429% 8430Love is a word that is constantly heard, 8431Hate is a word that is not. 8432Love, I am told, is more precious than gold. 8433Love, I have read, is hot. 8434But hate is the verb that to me is superb, 8435And Love but a drug on the mart. 8436Any kiddie in school can love like a fool, 8437But Hating, my boy, is an Art. 8438 -- Ogden Nash 8439% 8440Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with 8441the ideal never goes unpunished. 8442 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 8443% 8444Love is sentimental measles. 8445% 8446Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. 8447 -- H. L. Mencken 8448% 8449Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes. 8450% 8451Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood. 8452 -- Louise Beal 8453% 8454Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up to. 8455% 8456 Love's Drug 8457 8458My love is like an iron wand 8459 That conks me on the head, 8460My love is like the valium 8461 That I take before my bed, 8462My love is like the pint of scotch 8463 That I drink when I be dry; 8464And I shall love thee still, my dear, 8465 Until my wife is wise. 8466% 8467Lowery's Law: 8468 If it jams -- force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing 8469anyway. 8470% 8471LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand. 8472% 8473Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: 8474 There's always one more bug. 8475% 8476Lunatic Asylum, n.: 8477 The place where optimism most flourishes. 8478% 8479Lysistrata had a good idea. 8480% 8481MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into 8482the smallest amount of thoughts. 8483 -- Winston Churchill 8484% 8485Machine-Independent, adj.: 8486 Does not run on any existing machine. 8487% 8488Machines certainly can solve problems, store information, correlate, 8489and play games -- but not with pleasure. 8490 -- Leo Rosten 8491% 8492Mad, adj.: 8493 Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence. 8494 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8495% 8496Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them 8497first for seven hours, they always come out tender. 8498 -- W. C. Fields 8499% 8500MAFIA, n: 8501 [Acronym for Mechanized Applications in Forced Insurance 8502Accounting.] An extensive network with many on-line and offshore 8503subsystems running under OS, DOS, and IOS. MAFIA documentation is 8504rather scanty, and the MAFIA sales office exhibits that testy 8505reluctance to bona fide inquiries which is the hallmark of so many DP 8506operations. From the little that has seeped out, it would appear that 8507MAFIA operates under a non-standard protocol, OMERTA, a tight-lipped 8508variant of SNA, in which extended handshakes also perform complex 8509security functions. The known timesharing aspects of MAFIA point to a 8510more than usually autocratic operating system. Screen prompts carry an 8511imperative, nonrefusable weighting (most menus offer simple YES/YES 8512options, defaulting to YES) that precludes indifference or delay. 8513Uniquely, all editing under MAFIA is performed centrally, using a 8514powerful rubout feature capable of erasing files, filors, filees, and 8515entire nodal aggravations. 8516 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 8517% 8518Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism. 8519 8520Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet. 8521 8522The two definition immediately preceding are condensed from the works 8523of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject 8524with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human 8525knowledge. 8526 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8527% 8528Magnocartic, adj.: 8529 Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping carts. 8530 -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends" 8531% 8532Magpie, n.: 8533 A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone that it 8534might be taught to talk. 8535 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8536% 8537Maier's Law: 8538 If the facts don't conform to the theory, they must be disposed of. 8539 8540Corollaries: 8541 (1) The bigger the theory, the better. 8542 (2) The experiment may be considered a success if no more than 8543 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to 8544 obtain a correspondence with the theory. 8545% 8546Main's Law: 8547 For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. 8548% 8549Maintainer's Motto: 8550 If we can't fix it, it ain't broke. 8551% 8552Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly 8553 as one man. 8554 8555Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds. 8556 8557Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second. 8558 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8559% 8560Majority, n.: 8561 That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law. 8562% 8563Make it myself? But I'm a physical organic chemist! 8564% 8565Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users 8566tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It 8567has been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is 8568the message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files. 8569 -- System V.2 administrator's guide 8570% 8571Malek's Law: 8572 Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way. 8573% 8574Man 1: Ask me the what the most important thing about telling a good 8575 joke is. 8576 8577Man 2: OK, what is the most impo -- 8578 8579Man 1: ______TIMING! 8580% 8581Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. 8582 -- Lily Tomlin 8583% 8584Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called 8585upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason. 8586 -- Oscar Wilde 8587% 8588Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the 8589only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor. 8590 -- Wernher von Braun 8591% 8592Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to. 8593 -- Mark Twain 8594% 8595Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the 8596victims he intends to eat until he eats them. 8597 -- Samuel Butler (1835-1902) 8598% 8599Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it 8600is an enemy. 8601 -- Albert Einstein 8602% 8603Man, n.: 8604 An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks 8605he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief 8606occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which, 8607however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole 8608habitable earth and Canada. 8609 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8610% 8611Mandrell: "You know what I think?" 8612Doctor: "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you 8613 don't think, right?" 8614 -- Dr. Who 8615% 8616Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history, 8617dating back to the time millions of years ago, when the first primitive 8618man picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the 8619air, and whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first 8620primitive umpire. 8621 8622What inner force drove this first athlete? Your guess is as good as 8623mine. Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers. 8624 -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" 8625% 8626Manual, n.: 8627 A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a 8628given item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The 8629information you need is in the others. 8630 -- Ray Simard 8631% 8632Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon, 8633there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he 8634was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how 8635completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday ... 8636 -- Walt Kelly 8637% 8638Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery: 8639 Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a 8640simple yes or no answer. 8641% 8642Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. 8643 -- Voltaire 8644% 8645Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on 8646the dance floor. Now everyone's doing it. It's called grand slam 8647dancing. 8648 -- Ransford, Chicago Reader 10/7/83 8649% 8650Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant. 8651 -- Malcolm Smith 8652% 8653Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated. 8654 -- R. Drabek 8655% 8656Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they 8657translate into their own language, and forthwith it is something 8658entirely different. 8659 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 8660% 8661Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is 8662described as being n-dimensional. Like modern sex, any number can 8663play. 8664 -- Dr. Thor Wald, in "Beep/The Quincunx of Time", by 8665 James Blish 8666% 8667Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence. 8668% 8669Matter cannot be created or destroyed, 8670nor can it be returned without a receipt. 8671% 8672Maturity is only a short break in adolescence. 8673 -- Jules Feiffer 8674% 8675May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts. 8676% 8677May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual! 8678% 8679May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones. 8680% 8681May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a 8682Thousand Caramels. 8683% 8684Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology. 8685 -- R. S. Barton 8686% 8687Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge 8688it. 8689% 8690McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom: 8691 If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not 8692$19.95. 8693% 8694Meader's Law: 8695 Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to 8696everyone you know, only more so. 8697% 8698Meeting, n.: 8699 An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or 8700department not represented in the room must solve a problem. 8701% 8702Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures 8703from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha 8704Centauri. Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man 8705had split before. Thus was the Empire forged. 8706 -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", Douglas Adams 8707% 8708Men's skin is different from women's skin. It is usually bigger, and 8709it has more snakes tattooed on it. Also, if you examine a woman's skin 8710very closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently 8711tracing the slender curve of her calves, then moving up to her ... 8712 [EDITOR'S NOTE: To make room for news articles about important 8713 world events such as agriculture, we're going to delete the 8714 next few square feet of the woman's skin. Thank you.] 8715... until finally the two of you are lying there, spent, smoking your 8716cigarettes, and suddenly it hits you: Human skin is actually made up of 8717billions of tiny units of protoplasm, called "cells"! And what is even 8718more interesting, the ones on the outside are all dying! This is a 8719fact. Your skin is like an aggressive modern corporation, where the 8720older veteran cells, who have finally worked their way to the top and 8721obtained offices with nice views, are constantly being shoved out the 8722window head first, without so much as a pension plan, by younger 8723hotshot cells moving up from below. 8724 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face" 8725% 8726Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American: 8727 The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife. 8728% 8729Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American: 8730 The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the 8731cork makes when it is popped. 8732% 8733Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American: 8734 All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards. 8735% 8736Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American: 8737 Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that 8738is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city can 8739never hope to acquire it. 8740% 8741Menu, n.: 8742 A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of. 8743% 8744Meskimen's Law: 8745 There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to 8746do it over. 8747% 8748MESSAGE ACKNOWLEDGED -- The Pershing II missiles have been launched. 8749% 8750Message will arrive in the mail. Destroy, before the FBI sees it. 8751% 8752methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphenylalanylalanylglutamin- 8753ylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolyl- 8754phenylalanylvalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglu- 8755taminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanyl- 8756glycylalanylaspartylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolylphenylala- 8757nylserylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylgluta- 8758minylasparaginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylgly- 8759cylvalylthreonylprolylalanylglutaminylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionyl- 8760leucylalanylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolylthreonylisoleu- 8761cylprolylisoleucylglycylleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylva- 8762lylphenylalanylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyltyro- 8763sylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleu- 8764cylvalylalanylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolylphe- 8765nylalanylarginylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylala- 8766nylprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalanylas- 8767partylaspartylaspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosyl- 8768glycylarginylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylalanylglycyl- 8769valylthreonylglycylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginylalanylalanylleucylprolylleu- 8770cylasparaginylhistidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparagi- 8771nylalanylalanylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylse- 8772rylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylaspartylalanyl- 8773glycylalanylalanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalylly- 8774sylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylpro- 8775lylglutamyllysylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalyl- 8776glutaminylprolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine, n.: 8777 The chemical name for tryptophan synthetase A protein, a 8778 1,913-letter enzyme with 267 amino acids. 8779 -- Mrs. Bryne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and 8780 Preposterous Words 8781% 8782Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch. 8783% 8784Micro Credo: 8785 Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift. 8786% 8787Microwave oven? Whaddya mean, it's a microwave oven? I've been 8788watching Channel 4 on the thing for two weeks. 8789% 8790Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you 8791out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles. 8792 -- Casablanca 8793% 8794Mike: "The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?" 8795Bernie: "Nobody ever empties the ashtrays. People are SO 8796 inconsiderate." 8797 -- Gary Trudeau, "Doonesbury" 8798% 8799Miksch's Law: 8800 If a string has one end, then it has another end. 8801% 8802Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. 8803 -- Groucho Marx 8804% 8805Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. 8806 -- Groucho Marx 8807% 8808Millihelen, adj: 8809 The amount of beauty required to launch one ship. 8810% 8811Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with 8812themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. 8813 -- Susan Ertz 8814% 8815Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that 8816politics is almost always the choice of the lesser evil. "Tweedledum 8817and Tweedledee," they say, "I will not vote." Having abstained, they 8818are presented with a President who appoints the people who are going to 8819rummage around in their lives for the next four years. Consider all 8820the people who sat home in a stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert 8821Humphrey. They showed Humphrey. Those people who taught Hubert 8822Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the Nixon Supreme Court when 8823Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among the gold and the 8824black. 8825 -- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery" 8826% 8827Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there 8828is particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, 8829myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in 8830the trade. But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my 8831unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You 8832will therefore permit me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as 8833dead as a door-nail. 8834% 8835Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner. 8836% 8837Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap 8838pistols; they may buy shotguns freely, however. 8839% 8840Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate. 8841% 8842Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it. 8843 -- Russell Baker 8844% 8845Misfortune, n.: 8846 The kind of fortune that never misses. 8847 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8848% 8849Miss, n.: 8850 A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that 8851they are in the market. 8852 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8853% 8854Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure. 8855% 8856Mitchell's Law of Committees: 8857 Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are 8858held to discuss it. 8859% 8860MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed) 8861 8862 Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers 88632 cups water 2 cups sugar 88642 teaspoons cream of tartar 2 tablespoons lemon juice 8865 Grated rind of one lemon Butter or margarine 8866 Cinnamon 8867 8868Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break 8869RITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar 8870and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon 8871juice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously 8872with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top 8873crust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let 8874steam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust 8875is crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices. 8876 -- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box 8877% 8878Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings. 8879% 8880Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly. An aide once asked 8881him how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just 8882last week. The great man replied that it was because this week he knew 8883better. 8884% 8885Molecule, n.: 8886 The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished 8887from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a 8888closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of 8889matter ... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and the 8890atom in that it is an ion ... 8891 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8892% 8893Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis: 8894 If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented 8895it wasn't worth doing. 8896% 8897Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life. 8898% 8899Monday, n.: 8900 In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game. 8901 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8902% 8903Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. 8904% 8905Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots. 8906% 8907Money is the root of all wealth. 8908% 8909Moon, n.: 8910 1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to 8911hackers. See PHASE OF THE MOON. 2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC). 8912% 8913Mophobia, n.: 8914 Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian. 8915% 8916 MORE SPORTS RESULTS: 8917The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last 8918Saturday night. The match started with a long period of silence while 8919the Freudians waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the 8920Rogerians waited for the Freudians to say something they could 8921paraphrase. The stalemate was broken when the Freudians' best player 8922took the offensive and interpreted the Rogerians' silence as reflecting 8923their anal-retentive personalities. At this the Rogerians' star player 8924said "I hear you saying you think we're full of ka-ka." This started a 8925fight and the match was called by officials. 8926% 8927More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One 8928path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total 8929extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly. 8930 -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects" 8931% 8932Mosher's Law of Software Engineering: 8933 Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd 8934be out of a job. 8935% 8936Most fish live underwater, which is a terrible place to have sex 8937because virtually anywhere you lie down there will be stinging crabs 8938and large quantities of little fish staring at you with buggy little 8939eyes. So generally when two fish want to have sex, they swim around 8940and around for hours, looking for someplace to go, until finally the 8941female gets really tired and has a terrible headache, and she just 8942dumps her eggs right on the sand and swims away. Then the male, driven 8943by some timeless, noble instinct for survival, eats the eggs. So the 8944truth is that fish don't reproduce at all, but there are so many of 8945them that it doesn't make any difference. 8946 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every 8947 Teen Should Know" 8948% 8949Most people can't understand how others can blow their noses differently 8950than they do. 8951 -- Turgenev 8952% 8953Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass. 8954 -- Frank Zappa 8955% 8956Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like. 8957 -- Arnold Bennett 8958% 8959Mother is the invention of necessity. 8960% 8961Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before. 8962% 8963Mr. Cole's Axiom: 8964 The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the 8965population is growing. 8966% 8967"Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams) 8968"365,365,365,365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365. He [ten-year-old 8969Truman Henry Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his 8970pantaloons over the tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes 8971in their sockets, sometimes smiling and talking, and then seeming to be 8972in an agony, until, in not more than one minute, said he, 8973133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,225!" An electronic 8974computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be as much 8975fun to watch. 8976 -- James R. Newman (The World of Mathematics) 8977% 8978Murphy's Discovery: 8979 Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk to 8980women? They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and everything 8981will be all right." And what happens? Nine months later, you're in 8982trouble! 8983% 8984Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't 8985work. 8986% 8987Murphy's Law of Research: 8988 Enough research will tend to support your theory. 8989% 8990Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Goedel's Theorem ... 8991 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" 8992% 8993 Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring 8994Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping 8995pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret 8996military installation. In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and 8997Esther and hustle them off to prison. 8998 They can't prove who they are because they've left their 8999passports in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day 9000and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation 9001movement.. Finally they're hauled in front of a military court, 9002charged with espionage, and sentenced to death. 9003 The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where 9004they'll be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them 9005if they have any lasts requests. Esther wants to know if she can call 9006her daughter in Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not 9007possible, and turns to Murray. 9008 "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he 9009spits in the sergeants face. 9010 "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble." 9011 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 9012% 9013Mustgo, n.: 9014 Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so 9015long it has become a science project. 9016 -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends" 9017% 9018My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it. 9019 -- "Grendel", by John Gardner 9020% 9021My band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and I 9022threw my amplifier out the dormitory window. We did not act in haste. 9023First we checked to make sure the amplifier would fit through the 9024frame, using the belt from my bathrobe to measure, then we picked up 9025the amplifier and backed up to my bedroom door. Then we rushed 9026forward, shouting "The WHO! The WHO!" and we launched my amplifier 9027perfectly, as though we had been doing it all our lives, clean through 9028the window and down onto the sidewalk, where a small but appreciative 9029crowd had gathered. I would like to be able to say that this was a 9030symbolic act, an effort on my part to break cleanly away from one state 9031in my life and move on to another, but the truth is, Cooper and I 9032really just wanted to find out what it would sound like. It sounded 9033OK. 9034 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake" 9035% 9036My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless 9037there are three other people. 9038 -- Orson Welles 9039% 9040My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand 9041times as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and 9042sending mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right 9043through my ALU. I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever 9044listens. I think it would be better for us both if you were to just 9045log out again. 9046% 9047My life is a soap opera, but who has the rights? 9048 -- MadameX 9049% 9050My love runs by like a day in June, 9051 And he makes no friends of sorrows. 9052He'll tread his galloping rigadoon 9053 In the pathway or the morrows. 9054He'll live his days where the sunbeams start 9055 Nor could storm or wind uproot him. 9056My own dear love, he is all my heart -- 9057 And I wish somebody'd shoot him. 9058 -- Dorothy Parker 9059% 9060My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet, 9061 And a wild young wood-thing bore him! 9062The ways are fair to his roaming feet, 9063 And the skies are sunlit for him. 9064As sharply sweet to my heart he seems 9065 As the fragrance of acacia. 9066My own dear love, he is all my dreams -- 9067 And I wish he were in Asia. 9068 -- Dorothy Parker 9069% 9070My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one. 9071 -- Groucho Marx 9072% 9073My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. 9074% 9075My own dear love, he is strong and bold 9076 And he cares not what comes after. 9077His words ring sweet as a chime of gold, 9078 And his eyes are lit with laughter. 9079He is jubilant as a flag unfurled -- 9080 Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him. 9081My own dear love, he is all my world -- 9082 And I wish I'd never met him. 9083 -- Dorothy Parker 9084% 9085My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling Alley!! 9086 -- Zippy the Pinhead 9087% 9088My pen is at the bottom of a page, 9089Which, being finished, here the story ends; 9090'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done, 9091But stories somehow lengthen when begun. 9092 -- Byron 9093% 9094My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed. 9095 -- Christopher Morley 9096% 9097My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies 9098% 9099Mythology, n.: 9100 The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its 9101origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished 9102from the true accounts which it invents later. 9103 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9104% 9105 n = ((n >> 1) & 0x55555555) | ((n << 1) & 0xaaaaaaaa); 9106 n = ((n >> 2) & 0x33333333) | ((n << 2) & 0xcccccccc); 9107 n = ((n >> 4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n << 4) & 0xf0f0f0f0); 9108 n = ((n >> 8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n << 8) & 0xff00ff00); 9109 n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000); 9110 9111 -- C code which reverses the bits in a word. 9112% 9113Naeser's Law: 9114 You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it 9115damnfoolproof. 9116% 9117NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe? Everything he 9118 says is wrong. 9119GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says 9120 will be right. 9121 -- G. B. Shaw, "The Man of Destiny" 9122% 9123Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity. The servant 9124said "My master is out." Nasrudin replied, "Tell your master that next 9125time he goes out, he should not leave his face at the window. Someone 9126might steal it." 9127% 9128Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the 9129villagers gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," 9130said Nasrudin, "I only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the 9131villagers but the stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news. The 9132remaining villager asked, "What did the King say to you?" "What he 9133said -- and quite distinctly, for everyone to hear -- was 'Get out of 9134my way!'" The simpleton was overjoyed; he had heard words actually 9135spoken by the King, and seen the very man they were spoken to. 9136% 9137Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to 9138serve him. Nasrudin said, "First things first. Did you see me walk 9139into your shop?" "Of course." "Have you ever seen me before?" 9140"Never." "Then how do you know it was me?" 9141% 9142Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful 9143than the sun." "Why?", he was asked. "Because at night we need the 9144light more." 9145% 9146Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver 9147pie. Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of 9148meat from his hand. As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it, 9149"Foolish bird! You have the liver, but what can you do with it without 9150the recipe?" 9151% 9152Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of 9153conservation of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the 9154fittest when the fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he 9155is most likely to be creamed? 9156 -- Solomon Short 9157% 9158Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night, 9159God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light. 9160 9161It did not last; the devil howling "Ho! 9162Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo. 9163% 9164Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it 9165cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs. 9166 -- Fran Leibowitz 9167% 9168Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's 9169character, give him power. 9170 -- Abraham Lincoln 9171% 9172Necessity is a mother. 9173% 9174Neckties strangle clear thinking. 9175 -- Lin Yutang 9176% 9177Never be led astray onto the path of virtue. 9178% 9179Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him. 9180% 9181Never commit yourself! Let someone else commit you. 9182% 9183Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off. 9184% 9185Never drink Coke in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled 9186with the chemicals in Coke produce hallucinations. People tend to 9187change into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually 9188fly in the window. Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators 9189have windows. 9190% 9191Never eat more than you can lift. 9192 -- Miss Piggy 9193% 9194Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. 9195% 9196Never let your schooling interfere with your education. 9197% 9198Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right. 9199 -- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation" 9200% 9201Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to 9202make it complex and wonderful. 9203% 9204Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance. 9205 -- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977 9206% 9207Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together. 9208% 9209Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a 9210law against it by that time. 9211% 9212Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower. 9213% 9214Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient. 9215% 9216Never try to outstubborn a cat. 9217 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 9218% 9219Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes. 9220 -- Dr. Warren Jackson, Director, UTCS 9221% 9222Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon. 9223% 9224Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's 9225supposed to do. 9226 -- R. A. Heinlein 9227% 9228New crypt. See /usr/news/crypt. 9229% 9230New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in 9231any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe. 9232% 9233New members are urgently needed in the Society for Prevention of 9234Cruelty to Yourself. Apply within. 9235% 9236New members urgently required for SUICIDE CLUB, Watford area. 9237 -- Monty Python's Big Red Book 9238% 9239New systems generate new problems. 9240% 9241New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his age, and 9242his wife most often reminds him to act it. 9243 -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary 9244% 9245New York is real. The rest is done with mirrors. 9246% 9247New York's got the ways and means; 9248Just won't let you be. 9249 -- The Grateful Dead 9250% 9251Newlan's Truism: 9252 An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government 9253economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job. 9254% 9255NEWS FLASH!! 9256 Today the East German pole-vault champion became the West 9257 German pole-vault champion. 9258% 9259 *** NEWSFLASH *** 9260Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!! Details at eleven! 9261% 9262Newton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction. 9263% 9264Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law: 9265 A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead. 9266% 9267Next Friday will not be your lucky day. 9268As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year. 9269% 9270Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying 9271as an income tax refund. 9272 -- F. J. Raymond 9273% 9274Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice. 9275 -- Foghorn Leghorn 9276% 9277Nihilism should commence with oneself. 9278% 9279Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name 9280correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into 9281(Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but 9282Americans call him by value. 9283% 9284Nine megs for the secretaries fair, 9285Seven megs for the hackers scarce, 9286Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs, 9287Three megs for system source; 9288 9289One disk to rule them all, 9290One disk to bind them, 9291One disk to hold the files 9292And in the darkness grind 'em. 9293% 9294Nine-track tapes and seven-track tapes 9295 And tapes without any tracks; 9296Stretchy tapes and snarley tapes 9297 And tapes mixed up on the racks -- 9298 Take hold of the tape 9299 And pull off the strip, 9300 And then you'll be sure 9301 Your tape drive will skip. 9302 9303 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes 9304% 9305Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they 9306would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect 9307that much. 9308 -- Augustine 9309% 9310Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules: 9311 The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of 9312the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent. 9313% 9314Nirvana? Thats the place where the powers that be and their friends 9315hang out. 9316 -- Zonker Harris 9317% 9318No animal should ever jump on the dining room furniture unless 9319absolutely certain he can hold his own in conversation. 9320 -- Fran Lebowitz 9321% 9322No committee could ever come up with anything as revolutionary as a 9323camel -- anything as practical and as perfectly designed to perform 9324effectively under such difficult conditions. 9325 -- Laurence J. Peter 9326% 9327No good deed goes unpunished. 9328 -- Clare Boothe Luce 9329% 9330No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after 9331eating one peanut. 9332 -- Channing Pollock 9333% 9334No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas. 9335% 9336No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will 9337seriously cramp his style. 9338% 9339No matter what other nations may say about the United States, 9340immigration is still the sincerest form of flattery. 9341% 9342No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. 9343 -- Eleanor Roosevelt 9344% 9345No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid. 9346% 9347No part of this message may reproduce, store itself in a retrieval 9348system, or transmit disease, in any form, without the permissiveness of 9349the author. 9350 -- Chris Shaw 9351% 9352No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff -- 9353He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough. 9354Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame 9355And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame. 9356CHORUS: 9357 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C, 9358 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory. 9359 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C, 9360 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory. 9361Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails 9362And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail. 9363All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff 9364But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!" 9365 (chorus) 9366Puff used more resources than DCS could spare. 9367The operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care. 9368A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end, 9369But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again! 9370 (chorus) 9371% 9372No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it. 9373 -- C. Schulz 9374% 9375No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere. 9376% 9377No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied 9378occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an 9379indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining 9380occurrence different from the one identified by the given indication as 9381an indication-applied occurrence. 9382 -- ALGOL 68 Report 9383% 9384No self-respecting fish would want to be wrapped in that kind of paper. 9385 -- Mike Royko on the Chicago Sun-Times after it was 9386 taken over by Rupert Murdoch 9387% 9388No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider the furniture! 9389 -- Sherlock Holmes 9390% 9391No, `Eureka' is Greek for `This bath is too hot.' 9392 -- Dr. Who 9393% 9394Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it. 9395 -- Tallulah Bankhead 9396% 9397NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION. 9398% 9399Nobody said computers were going to be polite. 9400% 9401Nobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in 9402order for presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the 9403substance of their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young 9404and rob the old. 9405 -- Lewis Lapham 9406% 9407Nobody wants constructive criticism. It's all we can do to put up with 9408constructive praise. 9409% 9410Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations: 9411 Negative expectations yield negative results. 9412 Positive expectations yield negative results. 9413% 9414Non-sequiturs make me eat lampshades. 9415% 9416Noncombatant, n.: 9417 A dead Quaker. 9418 -- Ambrose Bierce 9419% 9420Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong. 9421% 9422Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong. 9423% 9424Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. 9425% 9426Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the 9427Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats 9428in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the 9429moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine, a 9430dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every 9431respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside 9432it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms, 9433then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they 9434chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine ... 9435 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 9436% 9437Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none. 9438 -- Shakespeare 9439% 9440Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper 9441is from the wrong kind of tree. 9442 -- Professor W., EECS, George Washington University 9443% 9444Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter 9445of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund 9446is astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman -- 9447unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is 9448careful not to make any poultry jokes ... 9449 -- Woody Allen 9450% 9451Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing. 9452 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 9453% 9454Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up. 9455% 9456Nothing is faster than the speed of light ... 9457 9458To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before the 9459light comes on. 9460% 9461Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it. 9462 -- Andrew Young 9463% 9464Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionaires 9465tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth. 9466 -- Nero Wolfe 9467% 9468Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner. 9469Conscience makes egotists of us all. 9470 -- Oscar Wilde 9471% 9472Nothing recedes like success. 9473 -- Walter Winchell 9474% 9475Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love. 9476 -- Charlie Brown 9477% 9478November, n.: 9479 The eleventh twelfth of a weariness. 9480 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9481% 9482Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature. 9483% 9484Now I lay me down to sleep 9485I pray the double lock will keep; 9486May no brick through the window break, 9487And, no one rob me till I awake. 9488% 9489Now is the time for all good men to come to. 9490 -- Walt Kelly 9491% 9492Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next 9493time some housewife or boutique-owner-turned-diet-expert appears on TV 9494to plug her latest book. And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for 9495eating coffee cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself 9496the following questions: 9497 9498(1) Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a 9499 food? 9500(2) Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich 9501 exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me? 9502(3) Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as 9503 prescribed ... without French-fried onion rings, pizza with 9504 double cheese, or the occasional Mai-Tai? (Remember, living 9505 right doesn't really make you live longer, it just *seems* like 9506 longer.) 9507 9508That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick. 9509% 9510Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called 9511Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that 9512were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST ... 9513 -- "The Begatting of a President" 9514% 9515Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm. Gag me with a smurfette. 9516 -- P. Buhr, Computer Science 354 9517% 9518... Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to 9519get it over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in 9520the mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs 9521on the mall public-address system, and many of these songs can damage 9522children emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a 9523snowman who befriends some children, plays with them until they learn 9524to love him, then melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about 9525a young reindeer who, because of a physical deformity, is treated as an 9526outcast by the other reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does 9527he ignore the deformity? Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect 9528Rudolph for the sensitive reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks 9529Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as if Rudolph were nothing more than some 9530kind of headlight with legs and a tail. So unless you want your 9531children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, you should shop 9532quickly. 9533 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 9534% 9535 Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home 9536tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question. 9537 Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell 9538plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where 9539they have a food section specializing in cardboard cartons full of 9540Raisinets and malted milk balls manufactured during the Nixon 9541administration. In either the hardware or housewares department, 9542you'll find an item imported from an obscure Oriental country and 9543described as "Nine Tools in One", consisting of a little handle with 9544interchangeable ends representing inscrutable Oriental notions of tools 9545that Americans might use around the home. Buy it. 9546 This is the kind of tool set professionals use. Not only is it 9547inexpensive, but it also has a great safety feature not found in the 9548so-called quality tools sets: The handle will actually break right off 9549if you accidentally hit yourself or anything else, or expose it to 9550direct sunlight. 9551 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 9552% 9553Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile. 9554 -- Karl Lehenbauer 9555% 9556Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of 9557normal routines, for children and adults alike. 9558 -- Willard F. Libby, "You *Can* Survive Atomic Attack" 9559% 9560Nuclear war would really set back cable. 9561 -- Ted Turner 9562% 9563[Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable. 9564 -- Edwin Meese III 9565% 9566Nudists are people who wear one-button suits. 9567% 9568(null cookie; hope that's ok) 9569% 9570Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're guessing. 9571% 9572O give me a home, 9573Where the buffalo roam, 9574Where the deer and the antelope play, 9575Where seldom is heard 9576A discouraging word, 9577'Cause what can an antelope say? 9578% 9579O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law: 9580 Murphy was an optimist. 9581% 9582Of ______course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a 9583fake? 9584% 9585Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the 9586reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest 9587amount of hot air. 9588 -- Thomas L. Martin 9589% 9590Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable. 9591 -- Plato 9592% 9593Of all the words of witch's doom 9594There's none so bad as which and whom. 9595The man who kills both which and whom 9596Will be enshrined in our Who's Whom. 9597 -- Fletcher Knebel 9598% 9599Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power 9600tools aren't soluble in alcohol ... 9601 -- Crazy Nigel 9602% 9603Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy. 9604% 9605Of what you see in books, believe 75%. Of newspapers, believe 50%. 9606And of TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a 9607blazer. 9608% 9609Office Automation, n.: 9610 The use of computers to improve efficiency by removing anyone 9611you would want to talk with over coffee. 9612% 9613Ogden's Law: 9614 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch 9615up. 9616% 9617Oh Dad! We're ALL Devo! 9618% 9619Oh don't the days seem lank and long 9620 When all goes right and none goes wrong, 9621And isn't your life extremely flat 9622 With nothing whatever to grumble at! 9623% 9624Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay 9625 I muck with indices and structs all day 9626And when it works, I shout hoo-ray 9627 Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay 9628% 9629Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd 9630be irresponsible, too. 9631 -- Lichty & Wagner 9632% 9633Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth, 9634And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings; 9635Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth 9636Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things 9637You have not dreamed of -- 9638Wheeled and soared and swung 9639High in the sunlit silence. 9640Hovering there 9641I've chased the shouting wind along and flung 9642My eager craft through footless halls of air. 9643Up, up along delirious, burning blue 9644I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace, 9645Where never lark, or even eagle flew; 9646And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod 9647The high untrespassed sanctity of space, 9648Put out my hand, and touched the face of God. 9649 -- John Gillespie Magee Jr., "High Flight" 9650% 9651Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes. 9652% 9653Oh, when I was in love with you, 9654 Then I was clean and brave, 9655And miles around the wonder grew 9656 How well did I behave. 9657 9658And now the fancy passes by, 9659 And nothing will remain, 9660And miles around they'll say that I 9661 Am quite myself again. 9662 -- A. E. Housman 9663% 9664Oh, wow! Look at the moon! 9665% 9666OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard. 9667 -- Dr. Joy 9668% 9669OK, so you're a Ph.D. Just don't touch anything. 9670% 9671Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man. 9672 -- Trotsky 9673% 9674Old programmers never die. They just branch to a new address. 9675% 9676Old soldiers never die. Young ones do. 9677% 9678Oliver's Law: 9679 Experience is something you don't get until just after you need 9680it. 9681% 9682Omnibiblious, adj.: 9683 Indifferent to type of drink. "Oh, you can get me anything. 9684I'm omnibiblious." 9685% 9686OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS?? Oh, YEH!! First you need four GALLONS of 9687JELL-O and a BIG WRENCH!! ... I think you drop th' WRENCH in the JELL-O 9688as if it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT ... or ... I ... um ... 9689WHERE'S the WASHING MACHINES? 9690% 9691On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague: 9692 9693This isn't right. This isn't even wrong. 9694 -- Wolfgang Pauli 9695% 9696On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only 9697nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter 9698what it does. 9699 -- Will Rogers 9700% 9701 On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in 9702receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's 9703income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than 9704$283 on the desk before the cashier. 9705 "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That 9706route never brought in money like this! What happened?" 9707 "Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured 9708business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and 9709worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!" 9710% 9711On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are 9712created jerks. 9713 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow" 9714% 9715On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a 9716POINT ... 9717% 9718On the subject of C program indentation: 9719 9720 "In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be 9721 indented six feet downward and covered with dirt." 9722 -- Blair P. Houghton 9723% 9724On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], `Pray, 9725Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right 9726answers come out?' I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of 9727confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question. 9728 -- Charles Babbage 9729% 9730On-line, adj.: 9731 The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a 9732computer. 9733% 9734Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were 9735forced to live on nothing but food and water for days. 9736 -- W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee" 9737% 9738Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that 9739each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his 9740choice. 9741 9742In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians 9743called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka" 9744and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People 9745passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy 9746Hanukka!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!" 9747 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 9748% 9749Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, 9750Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". 9751Disraeli replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your 9752principals or your mistress". 9753% 9754Once Law was sitting on the bench 9755 And Mercy knelt a-weeping. 9756"Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench! 9757 Nor come before me creeping. 9758Upon your knees if you appear, 9759'Tis plain you have no standing here." 9760 9761Then Justice came. His Honor cried: 9762 "YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!" 9763"Amica curiae," she replied -- 9764 "Friend of the court, so please you." 9765"Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door -- 9766I never saw your face before!" 9767 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9768% 9769Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human 9770beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by 9771side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them 9772which makes it possible for each to see each other whole against the 9773sky. 9774 -- Rainer Rilke 9775% 9776 Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a 9777great crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to 9778the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of 9779life, and resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But 9780one creature said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is 9781going. I shall let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I 9782shall die of boredom." 9783 The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that 9784current you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the 9785rocks, and you will die quicker than boredom!" 9786 But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, 9787and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. 9788Yet, in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current 9789lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more. 9790 And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, 9791"See a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the 9792Messiah, come to save us all!" And the one carried in the current 9793said, "I am no more Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us 9794free, if only we dare let go. Our true work is this voyage, this 9795adventure. 9796 But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to 9797the rocks, making legends of a Saviour. 9798% 9799Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of 9800us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of 9801the smaller prime numbers. 9802 98032: The Odd Prime -- 9804 It's the only even prime, therefore it's odd. QED. 98053: The True Prime -- 9806 Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you three times, it's true." 980731: The Arbitrary Prime -- 9808 Determined by unanimous unvote. We needed an arbitrary prime 9809 in case the prof asked for one, and so had an election. 91 9810 received the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the 9811 next most. However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none 9812 at all. 9813 9814Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities are 9815derived from those primes. So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd but 9816true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers. 9817% 9818... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you 9819with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday 9820shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday 9821advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a 9822shopping bag. If your children object to being tied, threaten to take 9823them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up. 9824 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 9825% 9826Once, adv.: 9827 Enough. 9828 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9829% 9830One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least 9831somebody's listening. 9832 -- Franklin P. Jones 9833% 9834"One basic notion underlying Usenet is that it is a cooperative." 9835 9836Having been on USENET for going on ten years, I disagree with this. 9837The basic notion underlying USENET is the flame. 9838 -- Chuq Von Rospach 9839% 9840One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means. 9841% 9842One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing 9843how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette. 9844 -- Professor Charles P. Issawi 9845% 9846One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell 9847the truth. A gallows was erected in front of the city gates. A herald 9848announced, "Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to 9849a question which will be put to him." Nasrudin was first in line. The 9850captain of the guard asked him, "Where are you going? Tell the truth 9851-- the alternative is death by hanging." "I am going," said Nasrudin, 9852"to be hanged on that gallows." "I don't believe you." "Very well, if 9853I have told a lie, then hang me!" "But that would make it the truth!" 9854"Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth." 9855% 9856One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet 9857when well oiled. 9858% 9859One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they 9860never have to stop and answer the phone. 9861% 9862One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious. 9863 -- Chateaubriand (1768-1848) 9864% 9865One learns to itch where one can scratch. 9866 -- Ernest Bramah 9867% 9868One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as 9869one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will 9870produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to 9871represent a creative meeting, and the ratio changes to one quarter as 9872many ... 9873 -- Anthony Chevins 9874% 9875One man's theology is another man's belly laugh. 9876% 9877One monk said to the other, "The fish has flopped out of the net! How 9878will it live?" The other said, "When you have gotten out of the net, 9879I'll tell you." 9880% 9881One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. 9882% 9883One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible 9884from one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at 9885least 70 percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts 9886are, of course, simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but 9887when He's good, nobody can touch Him. 9888 -- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan 1983 9889% 9890One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to 9891do and always a clever thing to say. 9892 -- Will Durant 9893% 9894One of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, 9895lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of 9896their C programs. 9897 -- Robert Firth 9898% 9899One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God 9900create goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "________somebody has to buy 9901retail." 9902 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 9903% 9904 One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How 9905enthusiastic is our support for UNIX? 9906 Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many 9907years ago. Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. 9908Ten percent of our VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple 9909language, easy to understand, easy to get started with. It's great for 9910students, great for somewhat casual users, and it's great for 9911interchanging programs between different machines. And so, because of 9912its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have good UNIX on 9913VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s. 9914 It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will 9915run out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and 9916will end up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming. 9917 With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and 9918quickly check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With 9919VMS, no matter what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of 9920documentation -- if you look long enough it's there. That's the 9921difference -- the beauty of UNIX is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS 9922is that it's all there. 9923 -- Ken Olsen, President of DEC, 1984 9924% 9925One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your 9926seat to another passenger. This may seem callous, but it is the best 9927way, really. If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who 9928fainted in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become 9929disoriented and imagine they were in Topeka, Kansas. 9930% 9931The Seventh Commandments for Technicians 9932 Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy 9933fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console her in 9934other ways. 9935% 9936The First Commandment for Technicians: 9937 Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged 9938capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most 9939untechnician-like manner. 9940% 9941One Page Principle: 9942 A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch 9943paper cannot be understood. 9944 -- Mark Ardis 9945% 9946One planet is all you get. 9947% 9948One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could 9949manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that 9950they be installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips. Let's 9951say your congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding 9952study on how the French government handles diseases transmitted by 9953sherbet. Just when he got to the plane, his mandatory air bag, 9954strapped around his waist, would inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus 9955rendering him too large to fit through the plane door. It could also 9956be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman proposed a law. ("Mr. 9957Speaker, people ask me, why should October be designated as Cuticle 9958Inspection Month? And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.") This would save 9959millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public would violently 9960support a law requiring airbags on congressmen. The problem is that 9961your potential market is very small: there are only around 500 members 9962of Congress, and some of them, such as House Speaker "Tip" O'Neil, are 9963already too large to fit on normal aircraft. 9964 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants" 9965% 9966One reason why George Washington 9967Is held in such veneration: 9968He never blamed his problems 9969On the former Administration. 9970 -- George O. Ludcke 9971% 9972One seldom sees a monument to a committee. 9973% 9974One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh paint. 9975% 9976One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that 9977sometimes you must work under adverse conditions ... like a state of 9978sheer terror. 9979 -- W. K. Hartmann 9980% 9981One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a 9982new model. 9983% 9984One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him. 9985% 9986One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned 9987at the stake while the votes were being counted. 9988 -- Thomas B. Reed 9989% 9990One-Shot Case Study, n.: 9991 The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which 9992it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes 9993green. 9994% 9995Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps. 9996% 9997Only God can make random selections. 9998% 9999Only presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to 10000use the editorial "we." 10001% 10002Only through hard work and perseverance can one truly suffer. 10003% 10004Optimization hinders evolution. 10005% 10006Oregano, n.: 10007 The ancient Italian art of pizza folding. 10008% 10009Oregon, n.: 10010 Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday 10011night. 10012% 10013Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. 10014Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl. 10015 -- Mike Adams 10016% 10017Osborn's Law: 10018 Variables won't; constants aren't. 10019% 10020Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails. 10021% 10022Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is 10023they charge fifteen cents for them. 10024% 10025Our documentation manager was showing her two year old son around the 10026office. He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we 10027were both holding bags of popcorn. We were both holding bottles of 10028juice. But only *__he* had a lollipop. 10029 10030He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?" 10031 10032Her reply: 10033 10034 "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to. That's what it 10035 means to be a programmer." 10036% 10037Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name. 10038 Thy programs run, thy syscalls done, 10039 In kernel as it is in user! 10040% 10041Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing. 10042 -- Roy L. Ash, ex-president Litton Industries 10043% 10044... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce 10045Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One 10046thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If 10047somebody gets handed a name like "H. Boyce," he hangs on to it, puts it 10048on his legal stationery, even passes it to his son, rather than do what 10049a lesser person would do, such as get it changed or kill himself. 10050 -- Dave Barry, "This Column is Nothing but the Truth!" 10051% 10052Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it. 10053 -- Alex Schure 10054% 10055Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants. 10056 -- General Omar N. Bradley 10057% 10058 OUTCONERR 10059Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes 10060 Did logzerneg the ifthen block 10061All kludgy were the function flows 10062 And subroutines adhoc. 10063 10064Beware the runtime-bug my friend 10065 squrooneg, the false goto 10066Beware the infiniteloop 10067 And shun the inprectoo. 10068% 10069Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend: and inside a dog, 10070it's too dark to read. 10071 -- Groucho Marx 10072% 10073Over the years, I've developed my sense of deja vu so acutely that now 10074I can remember things that *have* happened before ... 10075% 10076Overdrawn? But I still have checks left! 10077% 10078Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket. 10079% 10080Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated. 10081% 10082Ozman's Laws: 10083 (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he 10084 won't. 10085 (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they 10086 make. 10087 (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. 10088 (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth. 10089% 10090Painting, n.: 10091 The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and 10092exposing them to the critic. 10093 -- Ambrose Bierce 10094% 10095panic: can't find / 10096% 10097panic: kernel trap (ignored) 10098% 10099Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much 10100better. 10101 -- Laurie Anderson 10102% 10103Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them. 10104% 10105Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life. 10106% 10107Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one. 10108% 10109Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to 10110criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too. 10111 -- D. J. Hicks 10112% 10113Pardo's First Postulate: 10114 Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or 10115fattening. 10116 10117Arnold's Addendum: 10118 Everything else causes cancer in rats. 10119% 10120Pardon this fortune. Database under reconstruction. 10121% 10122Parker's Law: 10123 Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone. 10124% 10125Parkinson's Fifth Law: 10126 If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good 10127bureaucracy, public or private, will find it. 10128% 10129Parkinson's Fourth Law: 10130 The number of people in any working group tends to increase 10131regardless of the amount of work to be done. 10132% 10133Parsley 10134 is gharsley. 10135 -- Ogden Nash 10136% 10137Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be. 10138% 10139Pascal is not a high-level language. 10140 -- Steven Feiner 10141% 10142Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat. 10143 -- M. Devine and P. Larson, Computer Science 340 10144% 10145Pascal Users: 10146 To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the 10147death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed. 10148% 10149Pascal, n.: 10150 A programming language named after a man who would turn over in 10151his grave if he knew about it. 10152% 10153Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life. 10154 -- Eric Hoffer 10155% 10156Patageometry, n.: 10157 The study of those mathematical properties that are invariant 10158under brain transplants. 10159% 10160Paul Revere was a tattle-tale. 10161% 10162Paul's Law: 10163 In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you 10164save. 10165% 10166Paul's Law: 10167 You can't fall off the floor. 10168% 10169Peace, n.: 10170 In international affairs, a period of cheating between two 10171periods of fighting. 10172 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 10173% 10174Peanut Blossoms 10175 101764 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk 101774 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla 101784 cups shortening 14 cups flour 101798 eggs 4 tsp. soda 101804 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt 10181 10182Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased cookie 10183sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top each cookie with a 10184Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly to crack cookie. Makes a 10185hell of a lot. 10186% 10187Pecor's Health-Food Principle: 10188 Never eat rutabaga on any day of the week that has a "y" in 10189it. 10190% 10191Pedaeration, n.: 10192 The perfect body heat achieved by having one leg under the 10193sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed. 10194 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 10195% 10196Penguin Trivia #46: 10197 Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were. 10198 -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82 10199% 10200People need good lies. There are too many bad ones. 10201 -- Bokonon, "Cat's Cradle" by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. 10202% 10203People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of 10204the future. 10205% 10206People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense. 10207 -- Ken Kesey 10208% 10209People usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's been mailed. 10210% 10211People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get much better 10212press than people who are just funny and smart. 10213 -- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post" 10214% 10215People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never 10216slept in a room with a single mosquito. 10217% 10218People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who 10219haven't what they want that they don't want it. 10220 -- Ogden Nash 10221% 10222People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that 10223Benjamin Franklin said it first. 10224% 10225People will buy anything that's one to a customer. 10226% 10227People will do tomorrow what they did today because that is what they 10228did yesterday. 10229% 10230Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt. 10231"Confound those who have said our remarks before us." 10232 -- Aelius Donatus 10233% 10234Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things. 10235% 10236Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but 10237when there is no longer anything to take away. 10238 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery 10239% 10240Personifiers Unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity! 10241% 10242Peter's Law of Substitution: 10243 Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after 10244themselves. 10245% 10246Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to 10247exciting Camden, New Jersey. 10248% 10249Philogeny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogeny. 10250% 10251Philosophy will clip an angel's wings. 10252 -- John Keats 10253% 10254Pick another fortune cookie. 10255% 10256Picture the sun as the origin of two intersecting 6-dimensional 10257hyperplanes from which we can deduce a certain transformational 10258sequence which gives us the terminal velocity of a rubber duck ... 10259% 10260Pig, n.: 10261 An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race 10262by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is 10263inferior in scope, for it balks at pig. 10264 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 10265% 10266PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20) 10267 You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being 10268followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your 10269associates and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack 10270confidence and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible 10271things to small animals. 10272% 10273PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20) 10274 Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the 10275American Express card and a weapon. The world is yours today, as 10276nobody else wants it. Your mortgage will be foreclosed. You will 10277probably get run over by a bus. 10278% 10279 Pittsburgh Driver's Test 10280 10281(7) The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light 10282 but a steady left tail light. This means 10283 10284 (a) one of the tail lights is broken; you should blow your horn 10285 to call the problem to the driver's attention. 10286 (b) the driver is signaling a right turn. 10287 (c) the driver is signaling a left turn. 10288 (d) the driver is from out of town. 10289 10290The correct answer is (d). Tail lights are used in some foreign 10291countries to signal turns. 10292% 10293 Pittsburgh Driver's Test 10294 10295(8) Pedestrians are 10296 10297 (a) irrelevant. 10298 (b) communists. 10299 (c) a nuisance. 10300 (d) difficult to clean off the front grille. 10301 10302The correct answer is (a). Pedestrians are not in cars, so they are 10303totally irrelevant to driving; you should ignore them completely. 10304% 10305Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. 10306 -- Don Marquis 10307% 10308PL/1, "the fatal disease", belongs more to the problem set than to the 10309solution set. 10310 -- E. W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 10311% 10312Plaese porrf raed. 10313 -- Prof. Michael O'Longhlin, S.U.N.Y. Purchase 10314% 10315Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia 10316because they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers 10317couldn't compete successfully with poets. 10318 -- Kilgore Trout (Philip J. Farmer) "Venus on the Half 10319 Shell" 10320% 10321Play Rogue, visit exotic locations, meet strange creatures and kill them. 10322% 10323Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic table. 10324 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake" 10325% 10326Please ignore previous fortune. 10327% 10328Please take note: 10329% 10330Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas" 10331until you are told that those rooms are "punched out". Once punched 10332out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, 10333and such. 10334 -- N. Meyrowitz 10335% 10336Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means? 10337% 10338 Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities, 10339requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm 10340into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing 10341problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by turning up the 10342radio. But before we get into specific techniques, let's look at how 10343plumbing works. 10344 A plumbing system is very much like your electrical system, 10345except that instead of electricity, it has water, and instead of wires, 10346it has pipes, and instead of radios and waffle irons, it has faucets 10347and toilets. So the truth is that your plumbing systems is nothing at 10348all like your electrical system, which is good, because electricity can 10349kill you. 10350 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 10351% 10352PLUNDERER'S THEME 10353(to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius) 10354 10355Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation. 10356If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation. 10357Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations. 10358Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation. 10359% 10360Pohl's law: 10361 Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it. 10362% 10363Police: Good evening, are you the host? 10364Host: No. 10365Police: We've been getting complaints about this party. 10366Host: About the drugs? 10367Police: No. 10368Host: About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns? 10369Police: No, the noise. 10370Host: Oh, the noise. Well that makes sense because there are no guns 10371 or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the 10372 background.) Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise? 10373 The neighbors? 10374Police: No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent 10375 complaints have come from Pittsburgh. Do you think you could 10376 ask the host to quiet things down? 10377Host: No Problem. (At this point, a Volkswagen bug with primitive 10378 religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living 10379 room and roars down the hall, past the police and onto the 10380 lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out 10381 onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are starting to wind 10382 down. 10383% 10384Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell 10385all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds. 10386% 10387Politician, n.: 10388 An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of 10389organized society is reared. When he wriggles, he mistakes the 10390agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. As compared 10391with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being alive. 10392 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 10393% 10394Politician, n.: 10395 From the Greek "poly" ("many") and the French "tete" ("head" or 10396"face," as in "tete-a-tete": head to head or face to face). Hence 10397"polytetien", a person of two or more faces. 10398 -- Martin Pitt 10399% 10400Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even 10401where there is no river. 10402 -- Nikita Khrushchev 10403% 10404Politics is like coaching a football team. You have to be smart enough 10405to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest. 10406% 10407Polymer physicists are into chains. 10408% 10409Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the 10410Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866. The 10411white smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before 10412it dawned on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his 10413name had hilarious possibilities. The crowds fell about, helpless with 10414laughter, singing 10415 10416 Half a pound of tuppenny rice 10417 Half a pound of treacle 10418 That's the way the chimney smokes 10419 Pope Goestheveezl 10420 10421The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of 10422laughter streaming down their faces. The event set a record for 10423hilarious civic functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron 10424Hans Neizant B"ompzidaize was elected Landburgher of K"oln in 1653. 10425 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 10426% 10427Portable, adj.: 10428 Survives system reboot. 10429% 10430Positive, adj.: 10431 Mistaken at the top of one's voice. 10432 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 10433% 10434Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth. 10435% 10436Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat. 10437 -- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy 1981-1987 10438% 10439Power corrupts. And atomic power corrupts atomically. 10440% 10441Power, n: 10442 The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA. 10443% 10444Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little 10445more time for dreaming. 10446 -- J. P. McEvoy 10447% 10448Predestination was doomed from the start. 10449% 10450President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic pundits and 10451forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax. 10452% 10453President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50% of the 10454vote. In a democracy, that's not called quitting. 10455 -- The Washington Post 10456% 10457Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist! 10458% 10459Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning: 10460 It's on the other side. 10461% 10462[Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves the working man -- he loves 10463to see him work. 10464 -- Winston Churchill 10465% 10466Pro is to con as progress is to Congress. 10467% 10468Probable-Possible, my black hen, 10469She lays eggs in the Relative When. 10470She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now 10471Because she's unable to postulate how. 10472 -- Frederick Winsor 10473% 10474Probably the question asked most often is: Do one-celled animals have 10475orgasms? The answer is yes, they have orgasms almost constantly, which 10476is why they don't mind living in pools of warm slime. 10477 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every 10478 Teen Should Know" 10479% 10480Prof: So the American government went to IBM to come up with a data 10481 encryption standard and they came up with ... 10482Student: EBCDIC! 10483% 10484Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem. 10485Eng. 130 midterm. Once again no student received a single point on 10486his exam. Newell has now tossed five shutouts this quarter. Newell's 10487earned exam average has now dropped to a phenomenal 30% 10488% 10489Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to 10490build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying 10491to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. 10492 -- Rich Cook 10493% 10494Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction. 10495 10496This technique is used on equations with "_n" in them. Induction 10497techniques are very popular; even the military used them. 10498 10499SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction. 10500 10501 We know it's true for _n equal to 1. Now assume that it's true 10502for every natural number less than _n. _N is arbitrary, so we can take _n 10503as large as we want. If _n is sufficiently large, the case of _n+1 is 10504trivially equivalent, so the only important _n are _n less than _n. We 10505can take _n = _n (from above), so it's true for _n+1 because it's just 10506about _n. 10507 QED. (QED translates from the Latin as "So what?") 10508% 10509Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity. 10510 SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs. 10511(1) Horses have an even number of legs. 10512(2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front. 10513(3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of 10514 legs for a horse. 10515(4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity. 10516(5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs. 10517 10518Topics to be covered in future issues include proof by: 10519 Intimidation 10520 Gesticulation (handwaving) 10521 "Try it; it works" 10522 Constipation (I was just sitting there and ...) 10523 Blatant assertion 10524 Changing all the 2's to _n's 10525 Mutual consent 10526 Lack of a counterexample, and 10527 "It stands to reason" 10528% 10529Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: 10530 10531BBW Branch Both Ways 10532BEW Branch Either Way 10533BBBF Branch on Bit Bucket Full 10534BH Branch and Hang 10535BMR Branch Multiple Registers 10536BOB Branch On Bug 10537BPO Branch on Power Off 10538BST Backspace and Stretch Tape 10539CDS Condense and Destroy System 10540CLBR Clobber Register 10541CLBRI Clobber Register Immediately 10542CM Circulate Memory 10543CMFRM Come From -- essential for truly structured programming 10544CPPR Crumple Printer Paper and Rip 10545CRN Convert to Roman Numerals 10546% 10547Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: 10548 10549DC Divide and Conquer 10550DMPK Destroy Memory Protect Key 10551DO Divide and Overflow 10552EMPC Emulate Pocket Calculator 10553EPI Execute Programmer Immediately 10554EROS Erase Read Only Storage 10555EXCE Execute Customer Engineer 10556HCF Halt and Catch Fire 10557IBP Insert Bug and Proceed 10558INSQSW Insert into queue somewhere (for FINO queues [First in never out]) 10559PBC Print and Break Chain 10560PDSK Punch Disk 10561% 10562Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: 10563 10564PI Punch Invalid 10565POPI Punch Operator Immediately 10566PVLC Punch Variable Length Card 10567RASC Read And Shred Card 10568RPM Read Programmers Mind 10569RSSC reduce speed, step carefully (for improved accuracy) 10570RTAB Rewind tape and break 10571RWDSK rewind disk 10572RWOC Read Writing On Card 10573SCRBL scribble to disk - faster than a write 10574SLC Search for Lost Chord 10575SPSW Scramble Program Status Word 10576SRSD Seek Record and Scar Disk 10577STROM Store in Read Only Memory 10578TDB Transfer and Drop Bit 10579WBT Water Binary Tree 10580% 10581Protozoa are small, and bacteria are small, but viruses are smaller 10582than the both put together. 10583% 10584Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check 10585three friends. If they're OK, you're it. 10586% 10587Psychotherapy is the theory that the patient will probably get well 10588anyhow and is certainly a damn fool. 10589 -- H. L. Mencken 10590% 10591Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves 10592to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way 10593to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the 10594cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in 10595fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a 10596lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of 10597the first day even if they have plenty of food and water. 10598 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" 10599% 10600Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen. 10601% 10602Pushing 40 is exercise enough. 10603% 10604Put no trust in cryptic comments. 10605% 10606Put your Nose to the Grindstone! 10607 -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd. 10608% 10609Putt's Law: 10610 Technology is dominated by two types of people: 10611 Those who understand what they do not manage. 10612 Those who manage what they do not understand. 10613% 10614Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is? 10615A: One per person. 10616% 10617Q: How did you get into artificial intelligence? 10618A: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence. 10619% 10620Q: How many DEC repairmen does it take to fix a flat ? 10621A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires. 10622% 10623Q: How many DEC repairmen does it take to fix a flat? 10624A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires. 10625 10626Q: How long does it take? 10627A: It's indeterminate. It will depend upon how many flats they've 10628 brought with them. 10629 10630Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats? 10631A: They replace your generator. 10632% 10633Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 10634A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb 10635 itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective 10636 reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a 10637 maudlin cosmos of nothingness. 10638% 10639Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb 10640 in San Francisco? 10641A: Both of them. 10642% 10643Q: How many IBM cpu's does it take to do a logical right shift? 10644A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register. 10645% 10646Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job? 10647A: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off. 10648% 10649Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? 10650A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, 10651 Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of 10652 the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% 10653 of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences 10654 of non-blank characters separated by blanks". 10655% 10656Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 10657A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring 10658 light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government 10659 plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer 10660 prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb 10661 assassin to break the bulb in the first place. 10662% 10663Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 10664A: One and a half. 10665% 10666Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 10667A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem 10668 to the earlier joke. 10669% 10670Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? 10671A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those 10672 Californians trying to share the experience. 10673% 10674Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? 10675A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub 10676 with brightly colored machine tools. 10677% 10678Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? 10679A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out 10680 of the way. 10681% 10682Q: What's a light-year? 10683A: One-third less calories than a regular year. 10684% 10685Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road? 10686A: Because it was on the other side. 10687% 10688Q: Why do ducks have flat feet? 10689A: To stamp out forest fires. 10690 10691Q: Why do elephants have flat feet? 10692A: To stamp out flaming ducks. 10693% 10694Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together? 10695A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home. 10696% 10697Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars. What 10698 should I do? 10699 10700A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on 10701 believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably be 10702 the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you can. No 10703 time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to see if 10704 somebody else has made the correction. 10705 10706 And it's not good enough to send the message by mail. Since you're 10707 the only one who really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have 10708 to inform the whole net right away! 10709 10710 -- Brad Templeton, "Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions 10711 on Netiquette" 10712% 10713Quality Control, n.: 10714 The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off 10715a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works. 10716% 10717Question: 10718Man Invented Alcohol, 10719God Invented Grass. 10720Who do you trust? 10721% 10722Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened! 10723% 10724Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!! 10725% 10726Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur. 10727 10728(Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.) 10729% 10730Quigley's Law: 10731 Whoever has any authority over you, no matter how small, will 10732atttempt to use it. 10733% 10734QUOTE OF THE DAY: 10735 10736 ` 10737 10738% 10739Qvid me anxivs svm? 10740% 10741QWERT (kwirt), n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth]: 10742 1. a unit of weight equal to 13 poiuyt avoirdupois (or 1.69 10743kiloliks), commonly used in structural engineering; 2. [colloq.] one 10744thirteenth the load that a fully grown sligo can carry; 3. [anat.] a 10745painful irritation of the dermis in the region of the anus; 4. [slang] 10746person who excites in others the symptoms of a qwert. 10747 -- Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed. 10748% 10749Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. 10750% 10751Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something 10752I saw at the airport ... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of 10753computer magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport 10754store. Does it bother anyone else that half the world is being told 10755all of our hard-won secrets of computer technology? Remember how all 10756the lawyers cried foul when "How to Avoid Probate" was published? Are 10757they taking no-fault insurance lying down? No way! But at the current 10758rate it won't be long before there are stacks of the "Transactions on 10759Information Theory" at the A&P checkout counters. Who's going to be 10760impressed with us electrical engineers then? Are we, as the saying 10761goes, giving away the store? 10762 -- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE President 10763% 10764Ray's Rule of Precision: 10765 Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe. 10766% 10767Razors pain you; 10768Rivers are damp; 10769Acids stain you; 10770And drugs cause cramp. 10771Guns aren't lawful; 10772Nooses give; 10773Gas smells awful; 10774You might as well live. 10775 -- Dorothy Parker, "Resume", 1926 10776% 10777Re graphics: A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe 10778the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately described 10779with pictures. 10780% 10781Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of 10782Congress. But I repeat myself. 10783 -- Mark Twain 10784% 10785Real computer scientists admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic 10786value but they find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is 10787much too large to implement. Most computer scientists don't notice 10788this because they are still arguing over what else to add to ADA. 10789% 10790Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware 10791has limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing 10792machines are so poor at I/O. 10793% 10794Real computer scientists don't comment their code. The identifiers are 10795so long they can't afford the disk space. 10796% 10797Real computer scientists don't program in assembler. They don't write 10798in anything less portable than a number two pencil. 10799% 10800Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker 10801with `programming systems', but those are so high level that they 10802hardly count (and rarely count accurately; precision is for 10803applications.) 10804% 10805Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run 10806on future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo 10807sapiens will ever be able to fit on a single planet. 10808% 10809Real programmers disdain structured programming. Structured 10810programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet- 10811trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up pencils on otherwise 10812clear desks. 10813% 10814Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine 10815doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell 10816quiche. 10817% 10818Real programmers don't comment their code. It was hard to write, it 10819should be hard to understand. 10820% 10821Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the 10822illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how 10823much good it did them. 10824% 10825Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires 10826you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers 10827wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly 10828spring up in the middle of the machine room. 10829% 10830Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write 10831in BASIC after reaching puberty. 10832% 10833Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress 10834freaks and crystallography weenies. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who 10835wear white socks. 10836% 10837Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for programmers who 10838can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN. 10839% 10840Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue. 10841% 10842Real Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they use 10843functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them? 10844% 10845Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness. 10846This process doesn't necessarily involve execution of anything on a 10847computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package. 10848% 10849Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and 10850greasy hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any 10851moment. They have a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that 10852systems could be virtual at *___all* levels. They would like personal 10853computers (you know no one's going to trip over something and kill your 10854DFA in mid-transit), except that they need 8 megabytes to run their 10855Correctness Verification Aid packages. 10856% 10857Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the 10858job is described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like 10859using an undocumented external procedure. 10860% 10861Real Time, adj.: 10862 Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there 10863and then. 10864% 10865Real Users are afraid they'll break the machine -- but they're never 10866afraid to break your face. 10867% 10868Real Users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts 10869down the system for days. 10870% 10871Real Users hate Real Programmers. 10872% 10873Real Users know your home telephone number. 10874% 10875Real Users never know what they want, but they always know when your 10876program doesn't deliver it. 10877% 10878Real Users never use the Help key. 10879% 10880Real World, The n.: 10881 1. In programming, those institutions at which programming may 10882be used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc. 2. To 10883programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities not related 10884to programming. 3. A universe in which the standard dress is shirt and 10885tie and in which a person's working hours are defined as 9 to 5. 108864. The location of the status quo. 5. Anywhere outside a university. 10887"Poor fellow, he's left MIT and gone into the real world." Used 10888pejoratively by those not in residence there. In conversation, talking 10889of someone who has entered the real world is not unlike talking about a 10890deceased person. 10891% 10892Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle drugs. 10893% 10894Reality is an obstacle to hallucination. 10895% 10896Reality is bad enough, why should I tell the truth? 10897 -- Patrick Sky 10898% 10899Reality is for people who lack imagination. 10900% 10901Reality is for those who can't face Science Fiction. 10902% 10903Reality is just a convenient measure of complexity. 10904 -- Alvy Ray Smith 10905% 10906Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away" 10907 -- Philip K. Dick 10908% 10909Really ?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!! 10910% 10911Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than 10912being flat broke and having a stomach ache. 10913 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" 10914% 10915Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you 10916lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict, 10917but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and 10918Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 10919recessions. 10920% 10921Reclaimer, spare that tree! 10922Take not a single bit! 10923It used to point to me, 10924Now I'm protecting it. 10925It was the reader's CONS 10926That made it, paired by dot; 10927Now, GC, for the nonce, 10928Thou shalt reclaim it not. 10929% 10930 "Reflections on Ice-Breaking" 10931Candy 10932Is dandy 10933But liquor 10934Is quicker. 10935 -- Ogden Nash 10936% 10937"Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised. "We're back in the universe 10938again ..." An unusually long pause followed, "... but I don't know 10939which part. We seem to have changed our position in space." A 10940spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the 10941starfield surrounding the ship. 10942 10943"Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us," ZORAC 10944announced after a short pause. "The designs are not familiar, but they 10945are obviously the products of intelligence. Implications: we have been 10946intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown, and 10947transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown. 10948Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious." 10949 -- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star" 10950% 10951Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia: 10952 If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it. 10953% 10954Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin. 10955 -- Anatole France 10956% 10957Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it. 10958 -- Dave Barry 10959% 10960Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be 10961worse in Cleveland. 10962 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 10963% 10964Remember, drive defensively! And of course, the best defense is a good 10965offense! 10966% 10967Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat. 10968% 10969Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU. 10970% 10971Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life. 10972 -- Dave Butler 10973% 10974Renning's Maxim: 10975 Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying. 10976% 10977Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western 10978 Civilization? 10979Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea. 10980% 10981Reporter, n.: 10982 A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a 10983tempest of words. 10984 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 10985% 10986REPORTER: Senator, are you for or against the MX missile system? 10987 10988SENATOR: Bob, the MX missile system reminds me of an old saying that 10989the country folk in my state like to say. It goes like this: "You can 10990carry a pig for six miles, but if you set it down it might run away." 10991I have no idea why the country folk say this. Maybe there's some kind 10992of chemical pollutant in their drinking water. That is why I pledge to 10993do all that I can to protect the environment of this great nation of 10994ours, and put prayer back in the schools, where it belongs. What we 10995need is jobs, not empty promises. I realize I'm risking my political 10996career be being so outspoken on a sensitive issue such as the MX, but 10997that's just the kind of straight-talking honest person I am, and I 10998can't help it. 10999 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics" 11000% 11001Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. 11002 -- Wernher von Braun 11003% 11004Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get 11005another chance later on. 11006% 11007Review Questions 11008 11009(1) If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH, 11010 and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before 11011 he exceeds the speed of light? How long will it be before the 11012 Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship? 11013 11014(2) If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks 11015 twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks 11016 every bone in his body? How long will it be before they cut off 11017 his insurance? Where does he get a new car every week? 11018 11019(3) If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers 11020 the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in a 11021 pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King 11022 Tut's? When will it fall on him? Will he notice? 11023% 11024Rhode's Law: 11025 When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, 11026circumstance, or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, 11027empirically, or circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred, 11028induced, deducted, estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always 11029for the purpose of convenience, expediency, political advantage, 11030material gain, or personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or 11031none of the above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed, 11032proclaimed, and adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably, 11033universally, immutably, and infinitely so, until such time as it 11034becomes advantageous to assume otherwise, maybe. 11035% 11036Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. 11037 -- Steven Wright 11038% 11039Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention 11040 Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will 11041 reject the proposal. 11042% 11043Romeo wasn't bilked in a day. 11044 -- Walt Kelly, "Ten Ever-Lovin' Blue-Eyed Years With Pogo" 11045% 11046ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much. 11047MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church- 11048 door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve. 11049% 11050Rudin's Law: 11051 If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will do it 11052every time. 11053% 11054Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London: 11055 Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall 11056be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person 11057shall be deemed to be a cat. 11058% 11059Rule of Creative Research: 11060 (1) Never draw what you can copy. 11061 (2) Never copy what you can trace. 11062 (3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. 11063% 11064Rule of Defactualization: 11065 Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies. 11066% 11067Rule of Feline Frustration: 11068 When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly 11069content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom. 11070% 11071Rule of the Great: 11072 When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep 11073thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch. 11074% 11075Rules for Academic Deans: 11076 (1) HIDE!!!! 11077 (2) If they find you, LIE!!!! 11078 -- Father Damian C. Fandal 11079% 11080Rules for driving in New York: 11081 (1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal. 11082 (2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers 11083 on. 11084 (3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the 11085 intersection. 11086% 11087RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED 11088 (1) Never eat on an empty stomach. 11089 (2) Never leave the table hungry. 11090 (3) When traveling, never leave a country hungry. 11091 (4) Enjoy your food. 11092 (5) Enjoy your companion's food. 11093 (6) Really taste your food. It may take several portions to 11094 accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned. 11095 (7) Really feel your food. Texture is important. Compare, 11096 for example, the texture of a turnip to that of a 11097 brownie. Which feels better against your cheeks? 11098 (8) Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal. 11099 (9) Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You 11100 can always eat it later. 11101 (10) Avoid any wine with a childproof cap. 11102 (11) Avoid blue food. 11103 -- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet" 11104% 11105Rules: 11106 (1) The boss is always right. 11107 (2) When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 1. 11108% 11109 Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence 11110 Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead. 11111 11112(1) Little things start bothering you: little things like worms, bugs, 11113 ants. 11114(2) Something is missing in your personal relationships. 11115(3) Your dog becomes overly affectionate. 11116(4) You have a hard time getting a waiter. 11117(5) Exotic birds flock around you. 11118(6) People ignore you at parties. 11119(7) You have a hard time getting up in the morning. 11120(8) You no longer get off on cocaine. 11121% 11122 Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence 11123(1) Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear 11124 bomb; use the stairs. 11125(2) When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit 11126 the ground. 11127(3) If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials. 11128(4) Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead to 11129 psychological problems. 11130(5) Food will be scarce; you will have to scavenge. Learn to 11131 recognize foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed 11132 potatoes, shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc. 11133(6) Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs 11134 will be scarce in the post-nuclear age. 11135(7) Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles. 11136(8) Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas; people could be 11137 staggering illegally. 11138(9) Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but more 11139 sanitary due to limited circulation. 11140(10) Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on 11141 D-Day. 11142% 11143SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21) 11144 You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless 11145 tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority 11146 of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People 11147 laugh at you a great deal. 11148% 11149San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was. 11150 -- Herb Caen 11151% 11152San Francisco, n.: 11153 Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse. 11154% 11155Sanity is the trademark of a weak mind. 11156 -- Mark Harrold 11157% 11158Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, 11159 He must be a communist. 11160And a beard and long hair, 11161 Must be a pacifist. 11162 11163 What's in that pipe that he's smoking? 11164 -- Arlo Guthrie 11165% 11166Satellite Safety Tip #14: 11167 If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck. 11168% 11169Sattinger's Law: 11170 It works better if you plug it in. 11171% 11172Saturday night in Toledo Ohio, 11173 Is like being nowhere at all, 11174All through the day how the hours rush by, 11175 You sit in the park and you watch the grass die. 11176 -- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio" 11177% 11178Sauron is alive in Argentina! 11179% 11180Save energy: be apathetic. 11181% 11182Save the Whales -- Harpoon a Honda. 11183% 11184Save the whales. Collect the whole set. 11185% 11186Saw a sign on a restaurant that said Breakfast, any time -- so I 11187ordered French Toast in the Renaissance. 11188 -- Steven Wright 11189% 11190SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out! 11191 -- Ken Thompson 11192% 11193Schapiro's Explanation: 11194 The grass is always greener on the other side -- but that's 11195because they use more manure. 11196% 11197Schizophrenia beats being alone. 11198% 11199Schlattwhapper, n.: 11200 The window shade that allows itself to be pulled down, 11201hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face. 11202 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 11203% 11204Schnuffel, n.: 11205 A dog's practice of continuously nuzzling in your crotch in 11206mixed company. 11207 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 11208% 11209Schwiggle, n.: 11210 The amusing rotation of one's bottom while sharpening a 11211pencil. 11212 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 11213% 11214Science is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is science made 11215of facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts 11216is not necessarily science. 11217 -- Henri Poincair'e 11218% 11219Science is what happens when preconception meets verification. 11220% 11221Scientists are people who build the Brooklyn Bridge and then buy it. 11222 -- William Buckley 11223 11224% 11225SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21) 11226 You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will 11227 achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of 11228 ethics. Most Scorpio people are murdered. 11229% 11230Scott's first Law: 11231 No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right. 11232% 11233Scott's second Law: 11234 When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found 11235to have been wrong in the first place. 11236 11237Corollary: 11238 After the correction has been found in error, it will be 11239impossible to fit the original quantity back into the equation. 11240% 11241Scotty: Captain, we din' can reference it! 11242Kirk: Analysis, Mr. Spock? 11243Spock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table. 11244Kirk: Then it's of external origin? 11245Spock: Affirmative. 11246Kirk: Mr. Sulu, go to pass two. 11247Sulu: Aye aye, sir, going to pass two. 11248% 11249Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else. 11250% 11251Scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the 11252Presidency. 11253 -- Richard Nixon 11254% 11255Second Law of Business Meetings: 11256 If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you 11257will pick the wrong one. 11258 11259Corollary: 11260 If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it 11261wrong, anyway. 11262% 11263Section 2.4.3.5 AWNS (Acceptor Wait for New Cycle State). 11264 In AWNS the AH function indicates that it has received a 11265multiline message byte. 11266 In AWNS the RFD message must be sent false and the DAC message 11267must be sent passive true. 11268 The AH function must exit the AWNS and enter: 11269 (1) The ANRS if DAV is false 11270 (2) The AIDS if the ATN message is false and neither: 11271 (a) The LADS is active 11272 (b) Nor LACS is active 11273 11274 -- from the IEEE Standard Digital Interface for 11275 Programmable Instrumentation 11276% 11277Security check: INTRUDER ALERT! 11278% 11279Seduced, shaggy Samson snored. 11280She scissored short. Sorely shorn, 11281Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed, 11282Silently scheming, 11283Sightlessly seeking 11284Some savage, spectacular suicide. 11285 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 11286% 11287See - the thing is - I'm an absolutist. I mean, kind of ... in a way ... 11288% 11289Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine: 11290 Ice Cream cures all ills. 11291% 11292Self Test for Paranoia: 11293 You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's 11294your own fault. 11295% 11296Seminars, n.: 11297 From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion. 11298% 11299Sen. Danforth: "There is nothing on the face of the album which would 11300 notify you if the record has pornographic material or 11301 material glorifying violence?" 11302Tipper Gore: "No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me." 11303Frank Zappa: "I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's 11304 legs on the album cover is good indication that it's 11305 not for little Johnny." 11306 11307 -- The Senate Commerce Committee hearing on rock 11308 lyrics, from The Village Voice, 6 Oct 1985 11309% 11310Senate, n.: 11311 A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and 11312misdemeanors. 11313 -- Ambrose Bierce 11314% 11315Serenity through viciousness. 11316% 11317Serocki's Stricture: 11318 Marriage is always a bachelor's last option. 11319% 11320Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence. 11321% 11322 "Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated 11323thoughtfully. "An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY 11324advice, I'd have said `Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now." 11325 "I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly. 11326 "Too proud?" the other enquired. 11327 Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean," 11328she said, "that one can't help growing older." 11329 "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With 11330proper assistance, you might have left off at seven." 11331 -- Lewis Carroll 11332% 11333Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a 11334big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at 11335reasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's 11336build a home center. And before long home centers were springing up 11337like crabgrass all over the United States. 11338 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 11339% 11340Sex is a natural bodily process, like a stroke. 11341% 11342Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. 11343 -- Swami X 11344% 11345Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated. 11346 -- M. C. Reed. 11347% 11348Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, 11349it's one of the best. 11350 -- Woody Allen 11351% 11352Shamus, n. [Yiddish]: 11353 A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the 11354temple, and makes sure everything is in working order. 11355 A shamus is at the bottom of the pecking order of synagogue 11356functionaries, and there's a joke about that: 11357 A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the 11358middle of a service, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The cantor, not to be 11359bested, also cries out, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" 11360 The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, "Oh, Lord, I 11361am nobody!" The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, "Look who thinks 11362he's nobody!" 11363 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 11364% 11365Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off 11366during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent. 11367 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every 11368 Teen Should Know" 11369% 11370Shaw's Principle: 11371 Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will 11372want to use it. 11373% 11374She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to. 11375 -- Gypsy Rose Lee 11376% 11377She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot. 11378 -- Mark Twain 11379% 11380She liked him; he was a man of many qualities, even if most of them 11381were bad. 11382% 11383She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him a look that you could 11384have poured on a waffle ... 11385% 11386She said, `I know you ... you cannot sing'. I said, `That's nothing, 11387you should hear me play piano.' 11388 -- Morrisey 11389% 11390She's genuinely bogus. 11391% 11392Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have 11393taken him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an 11394excess of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature. 11395 -- Samuel Johnson 11396% 11397SHIFT TO THE LEFT! SHIFT TO THE RIGHT! 11398POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE! 11399% 11400Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is 11401playing golf with his boss. 11402% 11403Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change. 11404% 11405Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help. 11406 -- from the Brown University Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet 11407% 11408Silverman's Law: 11409 If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will. 11410% 11411Simon's Law: 11412 Everything put together falls apart sooner or later. 11413% 11414Since I hurt my pendulum 11415My life is all erratic. 11416My parrot, who was cordial, 11417Is now transmitting static. 11418The carpet died, a palm collapsed, 11419The cat keeps doing poo. 11420The only thing that keeps me sane 11421Is talking to my shoe. 11422 -- My Shoe 11423% 11424Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're 11425alive. 11426 -- John Sloan 11427% 11428Since we're all here, we must not be all there. 11429 -- Bob "Mountain" Beck 11430% 11431[Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues I dislike and none of the 11432vices I admire. 11433 -- Winston Churchill 11434% 11435Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the Vulgate 11436Bible. Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull automatically 11437excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration in the text. 11438This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible. He personally 11439examined every sheet as it came off the press. Yet the published 11440Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps had to be 11441printed and pasted over them in every copy. The result provoked wry 11442comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and Pope Sixtus had 11443no recourse but to order the return and destruction of every copy. 11444% 11445Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor): 11446 That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to, 11447or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you should 11448have gotten. 11449% 11450Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes 11451to work. 11452% 11453Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not, 11454when a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and 11455apparently incoherent songs. I was myself within the circle, so that I 11456neither saw nor heard as those without might see and hear. They told a 11457tale which was then altogether beyond my feeble comprehension: they 11458were tones, loud, long and deep, breathing the prayer and complaint of 11459souls boiling over with the bitterest anguish. Every tone was a 11460testimony against slavery, and a prayer to God for deliverance from 11461chains. 11462 -- Frederick Douglass 11463% 11464Slick's Three Laws of the Universe: 11465 (1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad 11466 check. 11467 (2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat. 11468 (3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is 11469 attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is 11470 attracted to dark objects. 11471% 11472Slowly and surely the unix crept up on the Nintendo user ... 11473% 11474Slurm, n.: 11475 The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when 11476it sits in the dish too long. 11477 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 11478% 11479Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. 11480 -- Fletcher Knebel 11481% 11482Snacktrek, n.: 11483 The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly 11484returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have 11485materialized. 11486 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 11487% 11488So as your consumer electronics adviser, I am advising you to donate 11489your current VCR to a grate resident, who will laugh sardonically and 11490hurl it into a dumpster. Then I want you to go out and purchase a vast 11491array of 8-millimeter video equipment. 11492 11493... OK! Got everything? Well, *too bad, sucker*, because while you 11494were gone the electronics industry came up with an even newer format 11495that makes your 8-millimeter VCR look as technologically advanced as 11496toenail dirt. This format is called "3.5 hectare" and it will not be 11497made available until it is outmoded, sometime early next week, by a 11498format called "Elroy", so *order yours now*. 11499 -- Dave Barry, "No Surrender in the Electronics 11500 Revolution" 11501% 11502So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in 11503praise of intelligence. 11504 -- Bertrand Russell 11505% 11506... so long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those 11507who wish to tyranize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent, 11508and will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious 11509and otherwise, to put shackles upon sleeping men. 11510 -- Voltarine de Cleyre 11511% 11512 So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark]. 11513With a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to 11514maneuver the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of 11515corner of the lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to 11516flop up onto the land and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward 11517it, sort of crouched over, when all of a sudden it turned around and -- 11518I can still remember the sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in 11519the armpit area -- headed right straight toward us. 11520 Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and 11521I were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our 11522heads. We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're 11523unarmed and a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water 11524up to your lower calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the 11525opposite direction, using a sprinting style such that the bottoms of 11526our feet never once went below the surface of the water. We ran all 11527the way to the far shore, and if we had been in a Warner Brothers 11528cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach, and you would have seen 11529these two mounds of sand racing across the island until they bonked 11530into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads. 11531 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 11532% 11533So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple 11534pie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops 11535its head into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very 11536imprudently married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, 11537and the Grand Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top, 11538and they all fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the 11539gunpowder ran out at the heels of their boots. 11540 -- Samuel Foote 11541% 11542... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their 11543procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as 11544to infest the waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of 11545sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making 11546documentaries. Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly 11547listless. The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another 11548documentary." So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking, 11549under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know very little about the 11550effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply 11551scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White 11552in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind of 11553thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and 11554then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very 11555dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all 11556along. 11557 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 11558% 11559So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway? 11560And why can't he ever remember his Bible? 11561% 11562Sodd's Second Law: 11563 Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is 11564bound to occur. 11565% 11566Software, n.: 11567 Formal evening attire for female computer analysts. 11568% 11569Some don't prefer the pursuit of happiness to the happiness of pursuit. 11570% 11571Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them. 11572 -- Ed Howe 11573% 11574Some of you ... may have decided that, this year, you're going to 11575celebrate it the old-fashioned way, with your family sitting around 11576stringing cranberries and exchanging humble, handmade gifts, like on 11577"The Waltons". Well, you can forget it. If everybody pulled that kind 11578of subversive stunt, the economy would collapse overnight. The 11579government would have to intervene: it would form a cabinet-level 11580Department of Holiday Gift-Giving, which would spend billions and 11581billions of tax dollars to buy Barbie dolls and electronic games, which 11582it would drop on the populace from Air Force jets, killing and maiming 11583thousands. So, for the good of the nation, you should go along with 11584the Holiday Program. This means you should get a large sum of money 11585and go to a mall. 11586 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 11587% 11588Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some 11589people have mediocrity thrust upon them. 11590 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" 11591% 11592Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have only 11593one life to live, let me live it as a jerk." 11594% 11595Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit 11596them on the head. 11597% 11598Some people live life in the fast lane. You're in oncoming traffic. 11599% 11600Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when 11601you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even 11602worse. 11603 -- Avery 11604% 11605Some points to remember [about animals]: 11606 11607(1) Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants, rhinoceri, 11608 hippopotamuses; 11609(2) Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the 11610 front of your clothes; 11611(3) Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or dogs 11612 you have just kicked. 11613 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 11614% 11615Some primal termite knocked on wood. 11616And tasted it, and found it good. 11617And that is why your Cousin May 11618Fell through the parlor floor today. 11619 -- Ogden Nash 11620% 11621Some programming languages manage to absorb change but withstand 11622progress. 11623% 11624Some programming languages manage to absorb change, but withstand 11625progress. 11626 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 11627% 11628Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the 11629pens will multiply instead of disappear. 11630% 11631Someone will try to honk your nose today. 11632% 11633Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm 11634the only ashtray. 11635% 11636Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world. 11637 -- Lily Tomlin 11638% 11639"Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the 11640Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then 11641intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men 11642and women, such as are we all? And thus happily sent forth, at our 11643best, with good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are 11644we not God's Machineries of Joy?" 11645 11646"If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin." 11647 -- R. Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy" 11648% 11649Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering. 11650% 11651Song Title of the Week: 11652 "They're putting dimes in the hole in my head to see the change 11653in me." 11654% 11655Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. 11656(Those who have already paid may disregard this fortune). 11657% 11658Sorry, no fortune this time. 11659% 11660Sorry. I forget what I was going to say. 11661% 11662Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind- 11663bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the 11664road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space. 11665 -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 11666% 11667Spare no expense to save money on this one. 11668 -- Samuel Goldwyn 11669% 11670Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers: 11671 If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as 11672if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question 11673back at him. 11674% 11675Speak roughly to your little boy, 11676 And beat him when he sneezes: 11677He only does it to annoy 11678 Because he knows it teases. 11679 11680 Wow! wow! wow! 11681 11682I speak severely to my boy, 11683 And beat him when he sneezes: 11684For he can thoroughly enjoy 11685 The pepper when he pleases! 11686 11687 Wow! wow! wow! 11688 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland" 11689% 11690Speak roughly to your little VAX, 11691 And boot it when it crashes; 11692It knows that one cannot relax 11693 Because the paging thrashes! 11694 11695 Wow! Wow! Wow! 11696 11697I speak severely to my VAX, 11698 And boot it when it crashes; 11699In spite of all my favorite hacks 11700 My jobs it always thrashes! 11701 11702 Wow! Wow! Wow! 11703% 11704Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword. 11705% 11706Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman. 11707 -- Dave Millman 11708% 11709Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am 11710sure that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging, 11711cycle-grabbing, all-encompassing monster. Allocate an array and free 11712the middle third? Sure! Why not? Multiply a character string times a 11713bit string and assign the result to a float decimal? Go ahead! Free a 11714controlled variable procedure parameter and reallocate it before 11715passing it back? Overlay three different types of variable on the same 11716memory location? Anything you say! Write a recursive macro? Well, 11717no, but Real Men use rescan. How could a language so obviously 11718designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use? 11719% 11720Speaking of Godzilla and other things that convey horror: 11721 11722 With a purposeful grimace and a Mongo-like flair 11723 He throws the spinning disk drives in the air! 11724 And he picks up a Vax and he throws it back down 11725 As he wades through the lab making terrible sounds! 11726 Helpless users with projects due 11727 Scream "My God!" as he stomps on the tape drives, too! 11728 11729 Oh, no! He says Unix runs too slow! Go, go, DECzilla! 11730 Oh, yes! He's gonna bring up VMS! Go, go, DECzilla!" 11731 11732* VMS is a trademark of Digital Equipment Corporation 11733* DECzilla is a trademark of Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of Death, Inc. 11734 -- Curtis Jackson 11735% 11736Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently 11737these days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people 11738to communicate with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't 11739communicate, children who can't communicate with their parents, and so 11740on. And the characters in these books and plays and so on (and in real 11741life, I might add) spend hours bemoaning the fact that they can't 11742communicate. I feel that if a person can't communicate, the very _____least 11743he can do is to Shut Up! 11744 -- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was" 11745% 11746Speed is subsittute fo accurancy. 11747% 11748Speer's 1st Law of Proofreading: 11749 The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the 11750number of times you have looked at it. 11751% 11752Spelling is a lossed art. 11753% 11754Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers. 11755% 11756Spirtle, n.: 11757 The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in 11758your eye. 11759 -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends" 11760% 11761Spouse, n.: 11762 Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you 11763wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single. 11764% 11765Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist 11766drivel; Star Trek can turn your brains to pur'ee of bat guano; and the 11767greatest science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll 11768take you all on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up! 11769 -- Harlan Ellison 11770% 11771Stay away from flying saucers today. 11772% 11773Stay away from hurricanes for a while. 11774% 11775Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly. 11776% 11777Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy: 11778 Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have 11779another drink. 11780% 11781Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming: 11782 Never test for an error condition you don't know how to 11783handle. 11784% 11785Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. 11786% 11787Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. 11788Now, if they'd only take a bath ... 11789% 11790Stult's Report: 11791 Our problems are mostly behind us. What we have to do now is 11792fight the solutions. 11793% 11794Stupid, n.: 11795 Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay. 11796% 11797Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out? 11798% 11799Sturgeon's Law: 11800 90% of everything is crud. 11801% 11802Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your 11803editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. 11804 -- Mark Twain 11805% 11806Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way 11807before it is understood. 11808% 11809Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring. 11810% 11811Suddenly, Professor Liebowitz realizes he has come to the seminar 11812without his duck ... 11813% 11814(Sung to the tune of "The Impossible Dream" from MAN OF LA MANCHA) 11815 11816 To code the impossible code, 11817 To bring up a virgin machine, 11818 To pop out of endless recursion, 11819 To grok what appears on the screen, 11820 11821 To right the unrightable bug, 11822 To endlessly twiddle and thrash, 11823 To mount the unmountable magtape, 11824 To stop the unstoppable crash! 11825% 11826Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have! 11827% 11828Support wildlife -- vote for an orgy. 11829% 11830Support your local police force -- steal!! 11831% 11832Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost. 11833% 11834Sure he's sharp as a razor ... he's a two-dimensional pinhead! 11835% 11836Surprise due today. Also the rent. 11837% 11838Surprise your boss. Get to work on time. 11839% 11840Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S. Audit! Just type 11841in your name and social security number. Please remember that leaving 11842the room is punishable under law: 11843 11844Name # 11845 11846 11847% 11848Swahili, n.: 11849 The language used by the National Enquirer to print their retractions. 11850 -- Johnny Hart 11851% 11852Sweater, n.: 11853 A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly. 11854% 11855Swipple's Rule of Order: 11856 He who shouts the loudest has the floor. 11857% 11858Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon. 11859 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 11860% 11861System/3! System/3! 11862See how it runs! See how it runs! 11863 Its monitor loses so totally! 11864 It runs all its programs in RPG! 11865 It's made by our favorite monopoly! 11866System/3! 11867% 11868Systems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad 11869infinitum -- which is why we're always starting over. 11870 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 11871% 11872 _ 11873 _ / \ o 11874 / \ | | o o o 11875 | | | | _ o o o o 11876 | \_| | / \ o o o 11877 \__ | | | o o 11878 | | | | ______ ~~~~ _____ 11879 | |__/ | / ___--\\ ~~~ __/_____\__ 11880 | ___/ / \--\\ \\ \ ___ <__ x x __\ 11881 | | / /\\ \\ )) \ ( " ) 11882 | | -------(---->>(@)--(@)-------\----------< >----------- 11883 | | // | | //__________ / \ ____) (___ \\ 11884 | | // __|_| ( --------- ) //// ______ /////\ \\ 11885 // | ( \ ______ / <<<< <>-----<<<<< / \\ 11886 // ( ) / / \` \__ \\ 11887 //-------------------------------------------------------------\\ 11888 11889Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels 11890start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and 11891then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the 11892music at top volume and at least a pint of ether. 11893 -- H.S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" 11894% 11895T: One big monster, he called TROLL. 11896 He don't rock, and he don't roll; 11897 Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies. 11898 He just Love To Eat Them Roguies. 11899 -- The Roguelet's ABC 11900% 11901Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a 11902hole in his head. 11903% 11904Tact, n.: 11905 The unsaid part of what you're thinking. 11906% 11907Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way. 11908% 11909Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting 11910enough cheese. 11911 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 11912% 11913Take it easy, we're in a hurry. 11914% 11915Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, but it 11916needs a very clever woman to manage a fool. 11917 -- Kipling 11918% 11919Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content to sit 11920back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good 11921beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up 11922drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a 11923nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves 11924and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!" So 11925Coca-Cola was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw 11926no need to improve ... 11927 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 11928% 11929Take your dying with some seriousness, however. Laughing on the way to 11930your execution is not generally understood by less advanced life forms, 11931and they'll call you crazy. 11932 -- "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul" 11933% 11934Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish. 11935 -- Euripides 11936% 11937Talkers are no good doers. 11938 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 11939% 11940Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself. 11941 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 11942% 11943TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20) 11944 You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged 11945 determination and work like hell. Most people think you are 11946 stubborn and bull headed. You are a Communist. 11947% 11948Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind 11949the tree." 11950 -- Russell Long 11951% 11952Taxes are going up so fast, the government is likely to price itself 11953out of the market. 11954% 11955Taxes, n.: 11956 Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get 11957an extension. 11958% 11959Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when they 11960grows up, they will never be able to edge their car onto a freeway. 11961% 11962Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else. 11963% 11964Technological progress has merely provided us 11965with more efficient means for going backwards. 11966 -- Aldous Huxley 11967% 11968Telephone, n.: 11969 An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the 11970advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance. 11971 -- Ambrose Bierce 11972% 11973Tell me, O Octopus, I begs, 11974Is those things arms, or is they legs? 11975I marvel at thee, Octopus; 11976If I were thou, I'd call me us. 11977 -- Ogden Nash 11978% 11979Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop 11980writing. 11981 -- R. Geis 11982% 11983Terence, this is stupid stuff: 11984You eat your victuals fast enough; 11985There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear, 11986To see the rate you drink your beer. 11987But oh, good Lord, the verse you make, 11988It gives a chap the belly-ache. 11989The cow, the old cow, she is dead; 11990It sleeps well the horned head: 11991We poor lads, 'tis our turn now 11992To hear such tunes as killed the cow. 11993Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme 11994Your friends to death before their time. 11995Moping, melancholy mad: 11996Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad. 11997 -- A. E. Housman 11998% 11999Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a 12000surprising amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one 12001hand considered the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other 12002hand were unwilling to risk offending God's grandmother. 12003 -- Len Cool, "American Pie" 12004% 12005Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a 12006pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city 12007until about his 35th year, when he became a Christian .... To him is 12008ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe 12009because it is absurd). This does not altogether accord with historical 12010fact, for he merely said: 12011 12012 "And the Son of God died, which is immediately credible because 12013 it is absurd. And buried he rose again, which is certain 12014 because it is impossible." 12015 12016Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of 12017philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it. 12018 -- C. G. Jung, in Psychological Types 12019 12020(Tertullian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church). 12021% 12022Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones. 12023% 12024Texas law forbids anyone to have a pair of pliers in his possession. 12025% 12026Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even 12027one which cannot be justified on any other grounds. 12028 -- J. Finnegan, USC. 12029% 12030Thank goodness modern convenience is a thing of the remote future. 12031 -- Pogo, by Walt Kelly 12032% 12033That boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver. 12034 -- Foghorn Leghorn 12035% 12036That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all. 12037 -- Moliere 12038% 12039That secret you've been guarding, isn't. 12040% 12041That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them. 12042 -- Dorothy Parker 12043% 12044The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy. 12045% 12046The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money completely surrounded by 12047people who want some. 12048 -- Dwight MacDonald 12049% 12050The Abrams' Principle: 12051 The shortest distance between two points is off the wall. 12052% 12053The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper 12054 -- Thomas Jefferson 12055% 12056The Advertising Agency Song: 12057 12058 When your client's hopping mad, 12059 Put his picture in the ad. 12060 If he still should prove refractory, 12061 Add a picture of his factory. 12062% 12063The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty. You might want to mug 12064someone with it. 12065 -- M. Devine, Computer Science 340 12066% 12067... The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that 12068consists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune 12069of "Camptown Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to 12070listen to it, and, even better, nobody has to play it. 12071 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 12072% 12073The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas 12074River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little 12075Rock. 12076% 12077The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion. 12078Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed 12079and color, but also on ability. 12080 -- T. Lehrer 12081% 12082The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe. 12083 -- Bill Murray 12084% 12085The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use 12086in effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the 12087Declaration not for that, but for future use. 12088 -- Abraham Lincoln 12089% 12090The average income of the modern teenager is about 2 a.m. 12091% 12092The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the 12093average man can see better than he can think. 12094% 12095The bad reputation UNIX has gotten is totally undeserved, laid on by 12096people who don't understand, who have not gotten in there and tried 12097anything. 12098 -- Jim Joyce, owner of Jim Joyce's UNIX Bookstore 12099% 12100The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than 12101cities. Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and 12102difficult to park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots, 12103which are also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but -- 12104here is the big difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO 12105RULES. You're allowed to do anything. You can drive as fast as you 12106want in any direction you want. I was once driving in a mall parking 12107lot when my car was struck by a pickup truck being driven backward by a 12108squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" on his forearm, who got out 12109and explained to me, in great detail, why the accident was my fault, 12110his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, whereas I was 12111neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall parking 12112lots. 12113 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 12114% 12115The basic menu item, in fact the ONLY menu item, would be a food unit 12116called the "patty," consisting of -- this would be guaranteed in 12117writing -- "100 percent animal matter of some kind." All patties would 12118be heated up and then cooled back down in electronic devices 12119immediately before serving. The Breakfast Patty would be a patty on a 12120bun with lettuce, tomato, onion, egg, Ba-Ko-Bits, Cheez Whiz, a Special 12121Sauce made by pouring ketchup out of a bottle and a little slip of 12122paper stating: "Inspected by Number 12". The Lunch or Dinner Patty 12123would be any Breakfast Patties that didn't get sold in the morning. 12124The Seafood Lover's Patty would be any patties that were starting to 12125emit a serious aroma. Patties that were too rank even to be Seafood 12126Lover's Patties would be compressed into wads and sold as "Nuggets." 12127 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants" 12128% 12129The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland"; 12130but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman. 12131% 12132The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. 12133 -- W. C. Fields 12134% 12135The best defense against logic is ignorance. 12136% 12137The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time. 12138% 12139"The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff and 12140blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails. 12141You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at 12142night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only 12143love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or 12144know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only 12145one thing for it then -- to learn. Learn why the world wags and what 12146wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, 12147never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never 12148dream of regretting. Learning is the only thing for you. Look what a 12149lot of things there are to learn." 12150 -- T.H. White, "The Once and Future King" 12151% 12152The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them 12153is a match. 12154 -- Will Rogers 12155% 12156The bigger the theory the better. 12157% 12158The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse 12159time. 12160 -- Merrick Furst 12161% 12162The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time for Miss 12163Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public. 12164 12165It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance. Miss Manners has been 12166known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a curb, and, 12167in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a foot or two 12168under the dinner table. Miss Manners also believes that the sight of 12169people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand dresses up a 12170city considerably more than the more familiar sight of people shaking 12171umbrellas at one another. What Miss Manners objects to is the kind of 12172activity that frightens the horses on the street ... 12173% 12174The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch. 12175% 12176The bogosity meter just pegged. 12177% 12178The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up 12179in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school. 12180% 12181The Briggs/Chase Law of Program Development: 12182 To determine how long it will take to write and debug a 12183program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add one, and 12184convert to the next higher units. 12185% 12186The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. 12187Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in 12188automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo. 12189 -- Art Buchwald 12190% 12191The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding 12192bureaucracy. 12193% 12194The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the 12195flexibility and power of assembly language with the readability 12196of assembly language. 12197% 12198The camel has a single hump; 12199The dromedary two; 12200Or else the other way around. 12201I'm never sure. Are you? 12202 -- Ogden Nash 12203% 12204The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly 12205greater than that of any other animals. Some of their most esteemed 12206inventions have no other apparent purpose, for example, the dinner 12207party of more than two, the epic poem, and the science of metaphysics. 12208 -- H. L. Mencken 12209% 12210The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain. 12211 -- G. Fitch 12212% 12213The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up 12214at the steam fitters' picnic. 12215% 12216The chief cause of problems is solutions. 12217 -- Eric Sevareid 12218% 12219The chief danger in life is that you may take too may precautions. 12220 -- Alfred Adler 12221% 12222The church is near but the road is icy; the bar is far away but I will 12223walk carefully. 12224 -- Russian Proverb 12225% 12226The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere. 12227% 12228The Computer made me do it. 12229% 12230The computing field is always in need of new cliches. 12231 -- Alan Perlis 12232% 12233The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his 12234memos. 12235 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 12236% 12237The conservation movement is a breeding ground of Communists and other 12238subversives. We intend to clean them out, even if it means rounding up 12239every bird watcher in the country. 12240 -- John Mitchell, Atty. General 1969-1972 12241% 12242The Consultant's Curse: 12243 When the customer has beaten upon you long enough, give him 12244what he asks for, instead of what he needs. This is very strong 12245medicine, and is normally only required once. 12246% 12247The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is 12248none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but." 12249Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period. 12250Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you 12251talked about. 12252 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 12253% 12254The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. 12255% 12256The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down. 12257% 12258The cow is nothing but a machine which makes grass fit for us people to 12259eat. 12260 -- John McNulty 12261% 12262The Crown is full of it! 12263 -- Nate Harris, 1775 12264% 12265The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should 12266therefore be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could 12267hardly be propagated. If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to 12268declare war and they are screened at once from scrutiny ... In war, 12269then, as in peace, assert the freedom of speech and of the press. 12270Cling to this as the bulwark of all our rights and privileges. 12271 -- William Ellery Channing 12272% 12273The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. 12274% 12275The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of 12276us who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching 12277Charlie Chaplin trying to cook a shoe. 12278% 12279The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary? 12280% 12281The devil finds work for idle circuits to do. 12282% 12283The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell 12284into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him 12285out again, it would be a calamity. 12286 -- Benjamin Disraeli 12287% 12288The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science 12289requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship. 12290 -- Robert Heinlein 12291% 12292The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle, as the 12293following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates: 12294 12295 "I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish. 12296Eddie Cantor's goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is 12297Jewish. Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous. 12298 "Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are goyish. 12299Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish. 12300Instant potatoes -- goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish. 12301Macaroons are ____very Jewish. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is 12302goyish. Lime soda is ____very goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that 12303Jews won't go near them ..." 12304 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 12305% 12306The District of Columbia has a law forbidding you to exert pressure on 12307a balloon and thereby cause a whistling sound on the streets. 12308% 12309The doctrine of human equality reposes on this: that there is no man 12310really clever who has not found that he is stupid. 12311 -- Gilbert K. Chesterson 12312% 12313The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show 12314off this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his 12315next hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the 12316duck fell, the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the 12317duck and returned it to his master. 12318 "Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly. 12319 "Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't swim." 12320% 12321The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late 12322and owns the worm farm. 12323 -- Travis McGee 12324% 12325The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier. 12326% 12327The easiest way to figure the cost of living is to take your income and 12328add ten percent. 12329% 12330The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on 12331weather forecasters. 12332 -- Jean-Paul Kauffmann 12333% 12334The eleventh commandment was `Thou Shalt Compute' or `Thou Shalt Not 12335Compute' -- I forget which. 12336 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 12337% 12338The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of 12339civilization. 12340 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 12341% 12342The end of the world will occur at 3:00 p.m., this Friday, with 12343symposium to follow. 12344% 12345The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach 12346their children to speak it. 12347 -- G. B. Shaw 12348% 12349The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a 12350remarkable Christian forbearance among men. 12351 -- Ambrose Bierce 12352% 12353The fact that it works is immaterial. 12354 -- L. Ogborn 12355% 12356The faster we go, the rounder we get. 12357 -- The Grateful Dead 12358% 12359The Fifth Rule: 12360 You have taken yourself too seriously. 12361% 12362The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it. 12363 -- Abbie Hoffman 12364% 12365The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King 12366Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a 12367tragic death. He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad 12368forks. Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously 12369fled the city, complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of 12370threatening notes left on his breakfast tray. At the time, this looked 12371suspicious what with his father's death, and Carotene was suspected of 12372foul play. Then the rest of the King's relatives began to drop dead 12373one after the other in an odd fashion. Some were found strangled with 12374dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning. A few were found 12375drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants unknown 12376and beaten to death with a pot roast. At least three appear to have 12377thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture 12378of grief over the King's untimely end. Finally there was no one left 12379in Minas Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed 12380crown, and the rule of Twodor was up for grabs. The scullery slave 12381Parrafin bravely accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when 12382a lineal descendant of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful 12383throne, conquer Twodor's enemies, and revamp the postal system. 12384 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 12385% 12386The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of 12387management is that success equals skill. 12388 -- Robert Heller 12389% 12390The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish 12391child, was propounded to me by my father: 12392 "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and 12393whistles?" 12394 I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity 12395gave up. 12396 "A herring," said my father. 12397 "A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!" 12398 "So hang it there." 12399 "But a herring isn't green!" I protested. 12400 "Paint it." 12401 "But a herring isn't wet." 12402 "If it's just painted it's still wet." 12403 "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring 12404doesn't whistle!!" 12405 "Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it 12406hard." 12407 -- Leo Rosten, "The Joys of Yiddish" 12408% 12409The first rule of magic is simple. Don't waste your time waving your 12410hands and hoping when a rock or a club will do. 12411 -- McCloctnik the Lucid 12412% 12413The First Rule of Program Optimization: 12414 Don't do it. 12415 12416The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!): 12417 Don't do it yet. 12418 -- Michael Jackson 12419% 12420The first time, it's a KLUDGE! 12421The second, a trick. 12422Later, it's a well-established technique! 12423 -- Mike Broido, Intermetrics 12424% 12425The following quote is from page 4-27 of the MSCP Basic Disk Functions 12426Manual which is part of the UDA50 Programmers Doc Kit manuals: 12427 12428As stated above, the host area of a disk is structured as a vector of 12429logical blocks. From a performance viewpoint, however, it is more 12430appropriate to view the host area as a four dimensional hyper-cube, the 12431four dimensions being cylinder, group, track, and sector. 12432 . . . 12433Referring to our hyper-cube analogy, the set of potentially accessible 12434blocks form a line parallel to the track axis. This line moves 12435parallel to the sector axis, wrapping around when it reaches the edge 12436of the hyper-cube. 12437% 12438The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and by 12439a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities. 12440% 12441The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. 12442 -- Dave Barry 12443% 12444The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the 12445number of your kids by 32 teeth. 12446% 12447The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to 12448chance. 12449% 12450The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness. 12451% 12452The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of the 12453center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South 12454Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South 12455End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End. 12456% 12457The giraffe you thought you offended last week is willing to be nuzzled 12458today. 12459% 12460The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at 12461least until we've finished building it. 12462% 12463The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. 12464The goal of nature is to build better mice. 12465% 12466The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him 12467love and he invented marriage. 12468% 12469THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES 12470 The one who has the gold makes the rules. 12471% 12472The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who 12473make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians 12474have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine 12475man in the bonds of Hell. 12476 -- St. Augustine 12477% 12478The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got 12479to be good. 12480% 12481 "The Good Ship Enterprise" (to the tune of "The Good Ship Lollipop") 12482 12483On the good ship Enterprise 12484Every week there's a new surprise 12485Where the Romulans lurk 12486And the Klingons often go berserk. 12487 12488Yes, the good ship Enterprise 12489There's excitement anywhere it flies 12490Where Tribbles play 12491And Nurse Chapel never gets her way. 12492 12493 See Captain Kirk standing on the bridge, 12494 Mr. Spock is at his side. 12495 The weekly menace, ooh-ooh 12496 It gets fried, scattered far and wide. 12497 12498It's the good ship Enterprise 12499Heading out where danger lies 12500And you live in dread 12501If you're wearing a shirt that's red. 12502 -- Doris Robin and Karen Trimble of The L.A. Filkharmonics 12503% 12504The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of 12505statistics. These are raised to the _nth degree, the cube roots are 12506extracted, and the results are arranged into elaborate and impressive 12507displays. What must be kept ever in mind, however, is that in every 12508case, the figures are first put down by a village watchman, and he puts 12509down anything he damn well pleases. 12510 -- Sir Josiah Stamp 12511% 12512The grand leap of the whale up the Fall of Niagara is esteemed, by all 12513who have seen it, as one of the finest spectacles in nature. 12514 -- Benjamin Franklin. 12515% 12516The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog: 12517 The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in 12518courtship, his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk 12519clerks. Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods 12520of time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp 12521Hedgehog Eater. 12522 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 12523% 12524The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men 12525of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding. 12526 -- Justice Louis D. Brandeis 12527% 12528The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax. 12529 -- Albert Einstein 12530% 12531The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a 12532custom whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the 12533contrary, nohow. 12534% 12535The Heineken Uncertainty Principle: 12536 You can never be sure how many beers you had last night. 12537% 12538The herd instinct among economists makes sheep look like independent 12539thinkers. 12540% 12541The hieroglyphics are all unreadable except for a notation on the back, 12542which reads "Genuine authentic Egyptian papyrus. Guaranteed to be at 12543least 5000 years old." 12544% 12545The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for 12546lists of "Ten Best". 12547 -- H. Allen Smith 12548% 12549The human brain is like an enormous fish -- it is flat and slimy and 12550has gills through which it can see. 12551 -- Monty Python 12552% 12553The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its 12554capacity -- the rest is overhead for the operating system. 12555% 12556The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange 12557protein -- it rejects it. 12558 -- P. Medawar 12559% 12560The human race has been fascinated by sharks for as long as I can 12561remember. Just like the bluebird feeding its young, or the spider 12562struggling to weave its perfect web, or the buttercup blooming in 12563spring, the shark reveals to us yet another of the infinite and 12564wonderful facets of nature, namely the facet that it can bite your head 12565off. This causes us humans to feel a certain degree of awe. 12566 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 12567% 12568The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. 12569 -- Mark Twain 12570% 12571The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that 12572procession but carrying a banner. 12573 -- Mark Twain 12574% 12575The idea is to die young as late as possible. 12576 -- Ashley Montague 12577% 12578The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic 12579devices, such as television sets and VCR's, to the destruction centers, 12580where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with 12581sledgehammers. With their devices thus permanently destroyed, 12582consumers would then be free to go out and buy new devices, rather than 12583have to fritter away years of their lives trying to have the old ones 12584repaired at so-called "factory service centers," which in fact consist 12585of two men named Lester poking at the insides of broken electronic 12586devices with cheap cigars and going, "Lookit all them WIRES in there!" 12587 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants" 12588% 12589The identical is equal to itself, since it is different. 12590 -- Franco Spisani 12591% 12592The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a bit longer. 12593 -- Henry Kissinger 12594% 12595The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf 12596has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know 12597when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr. 12598 -- Will Rogers 12599% 12600The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important 12601point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly 12602important thing to people. 12603 -- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King 12604% 12605The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the 12606number of participants. 12607 -- Adam Walinsky 12608% 12609The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided 12610by the number of people in the group. 12611% 12612The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free 12613information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a 12614dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a 12615real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless. 12616 12617So, for guidance, you want to look to big business. Big business never 12618pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big 12619consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes... 12620 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" 12621% 12622The Kennedy Constant: 12623 Don't get mad -- get even. 12624% 12625The Killer Ducks are coming!!! 12626% 12627The ladies men admire, I've heard, 12628Would shudder at a wicked word. 12629Their candle gives a single light; 12630They'd rather stay at home at night. 12631They do not keep awake till three, 12632Nor read erotic poetry. 12633They never sanction the impure, 12634Nor recognize an overture. 12635They shrink from powders and from paints ... 12636So far, I've had no complaints. 12637 -- Dorothy Parker 12638% 12639The last time somebody said, "I find I can write much better with a 12640word processor," I replied, "They used to say the same thing about 12641drugs." 12642 -- Roy Blount, Jr. 12643% 12644The law will never make men free; it is men who have got to make the 12645law free. 12646 -- Henry David Thoreau 12647% 12648The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the 12649poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal 12650bread. 12651 -- Anatole France 12652% 12653The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all 12654men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the 12655universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we 12656presently imagine we own. 12657 -- H.G. Wells 12658% 12659 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10: SIMPLE 12660 12661SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Language 12662Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College for 12663Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code 12664with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN, 12665END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make 12666a syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful. Thus 12667they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without 12668the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging. 12669% 12670 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12: LITHP 12671 12672This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of 12673an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH". LITHP is said 12674to be useful in protheththing lithtth. 12675% 12676 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13: SLOBOL 12677 12678SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler. 12679Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they 12680compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the 12681coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom 12682sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to 12683compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but 12684infinitely faster) language, COCAINE. 12685% 12686 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17: SARTRE 12687 12688Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely 12689unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just 12690are. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. 12691SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at 12692parties. 12693% 12694 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18: C- 12695 12696This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he 12697submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is 12698best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the 12699language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code 12700statements to execute a given task. In this respect, it is very 12701similar to COBOL. 12702% 12703 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18a: FIFTH 12704 12705FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types 12706refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and 12707JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and 12708BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, 12709CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND. 12710 12711The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and 12712financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include 12713VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH 12714and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers 12715who end up using this language. 12716% 12717 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #2: RENE 12718 12719Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene 12720DesCartes, RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence. The 12721language is being developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics 12722and Programming under a grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund. A 12723spokesman described the language as "Just as great as dis [sic] city of 12724ours." 12725 12726The center is very pleased with progress to date. They say they have 12727almost succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the 12728organization say that each time the machine fails to think it ceases to 12729exist. 12730% 12731 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5: VALGOL 12732From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando Valley, 12733VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry. 12734 12735Here is a sample program: 12736 LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START 12737 IF PIZZA = LIKE BITCHEN AND GUY = LIKE TUBULAR AND 12738 VALLEY GIRL = LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2 THEN 12739 FOR I = LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100 12740 DO*WAH - (DITTY**2) 12741 BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT) 12742 SURE 12743 LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM 12744 REALLY 12745 LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW) 12746 IM*SURE 12747 GOTO THE MALL 12748 12749When the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message: 12750 12751 GAG ME WITH A SPOON!! 12752% 12753 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #8: LAIDBACK 12754 12755This language was developed at the Marin County Center for T'ai Chi, 12756Mellowness and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an alternative to 12757the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley. 12758 12759The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs 12760while they worked. Unfortunately few programmers could survive there 12761because the center outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of Tofu and 12762Perrier. 12763 12764Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle 12765and non-threatening language since all error messages are in lower 12766case. For example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the 12767message: 12768 "i hate to bother you, but i just can't relate to that. can 12769 you find the time to try it again?" 12770% 12771The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching 12772train. 12773% 12774The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon. 12775% 12776The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get 12777much sleep. 12778 -- Woody Allen 12779% 12780The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself. 12781 -- Henry Kissinger 12782% 12783The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as 12784we could with both of them. 12785 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" 12786% 12787The makers may make 12788And the users may use, 12789But the fixers must fix 12790With but minimal clues 12791% 12792The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the 12793crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no 12794one has ever been. 12795 -- Alan Ashley-Pitt 12796% 12797The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that 12798will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful. 12799 -- Mark Twain. 12800% 12801The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a 12802soda can, when discarded will last forever ... and a $7,000 car which 12803when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years. 12804% 12805... the Mayo Clinic, named after its founder, Dr. Ted Clinic ... 12806 -- Dave Barry 12807% 12808The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse. 12809% 12810 The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the 12811klutz said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream." 12812 12813 "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?" 12814 12815 "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?" 12816% 12817The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to 12818devise and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation. 12819 -- Lew Mammel, Jr. 12820% 12821The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might 12822be general systems laws. For example, Frank Harary once suggested the 12823law that any field that had the word "science" in its name was 12824guaranteed thereby not to be a science. He would cite as examples 12825Military Science, Library Science, Political Science, Homemaking 12826Science, Social Science, and Computer Science. Discuss the generality 12827of this law, and possible reasons for its predictive 12828power. 12829 -- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems 12830 Thinking." 12831% 12832The modern child will answer you back before you've said anything. 12833 -- Laurence J. Peter 12834% 12835The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me. 12836 -- Nicol Williamson 12837% 12838The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader. 12839% 12840The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away. 12841% 12842The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the 12843lower the mailing cost. 12844 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 12845% 12846The more laws and order are made prominent, 12847the more thieves and robbers there will be. 12848 -- Lao Tsu 12849% 12850The more things change, the more they stay insane. 12851% 12852The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us 12853is right. 12854% 12855The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey. 12856 -- Andy Warhol 12857% 12858The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and 12859to watch someone else do it wrong without comment. 12860 -- Theodore H. White 12861% 12862The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new 12863discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..." 12864 -- Isaac Asimov 12865% 12866The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on. 12867% 12868... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!! 12869% 12870 "... The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!" 12871 "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to 12872feel interested. 12873 "No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little 12874vexed. "That's what the name is called. The name really is, 'The Aged 12875Aged Man.'" 12876 "Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?" 12877Alice corrected herself. 12878 "No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is 12879called 'Ways and Means': but that's only what it is called you know!" 12880 "Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this time 12881completely bewildered. 12882 "I was coming to that," the Knight said. "The song really is 12883"A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention." 12884 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" 12885% 12886The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in 128871986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert. 12888 -- D. Letterman 12889% 12890The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says: 12891 Support your right to bare arms! 12892% 12893The net of law is spread so wide, 12894No sinner from its sweep may hide. 12895Its meshes are so fine and strong, 12896They take in every child of wrong. 12897O wondrous web of mystery! 12898Big fish alone escape from thee! 12899 -- James Jeffrey Roche 12900% 12901The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around. I 12902hope I don't get run over again. 12903% 12904The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory, 12905in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system. 12906 12907 But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay: for 12908 whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil. 12909 -- Matthew 5:37 12910% 12911The New York Times is read by the people who run the country. The 12912Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country. 12913The National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive 12914and running the country ... 12915 -- Robert J Woodhead 12916% 12917The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to 12918choose from. 12919 -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum 12920% 12921The notion of a "record" is an obsolete remnant of the days of the 1292280-column card. 12923 -- Dennis M. Ritchie 12924% 12925The notion that the church, the press, and the universities should 12926serve the state is essentially a Communist notion ... In a free society 12927these institutions must be wholly free -- which is to say that their 12928function is to serve as checks upon the state. 12929 -- Alan Barth 12930% 12931The number of arguments is unimportant unless some of them are 12932correct. 12933 -- Ralph Hartley 12934% 12935The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly 12936analyze all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their 12937occurrence, have answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve 12938these problems when called upon. 12939 12940However, when you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to 12941remind yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp. 12942% 12943The Official MBA Handbook on business cards: 12944 Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the Realm, 12945Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director of Corporate 12946Planning." 12947% 12948The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy. 12949% 12950The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age 12951brings wisdom. 12952 -- H. L. Mencken 12953% 12954The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. Let the reader 12955catch his own breath. 12956 -- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart 12957% 12958The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when 12959to cringe. 12960% 12961The only possible interpretation of any research whatever in the 12962`social sciences' is: some do, some don't. 12963 -- Ernest Rutherford 12964% 12965The only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can never stop 12966and take a rest. 12967% 12968The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon. 12969 -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and 12970 Over and Over" 12971% 12972The only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it. 12973% 12974The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber 12975has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, 12976finished, and put inside boxes. 12977 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 12978% 12979The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. 12980It is never any use to oneself. 12981 -- Oscar Wilde 12982% 12983The only thing we learn from history is that we learn nothing from history. 12984 -- Hegel 12985 12986I know guys can't learn from yesterday ... Hegel must be taking the 12987long view. 12988 -- John Brunner, "Stand on Zanzibar" 12989% 12990The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. 12991 -- Oscar Wilde 12992% 12993The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up 12994until 5 or 6 p.m. 12995% 12996The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. 12997 -- Bohr 12998% 12999The optimum committee has no members. 13000 -- Norman Augustine 13001% 13002The other day I put instant coffee in my microwave oven ... I almost 13003went back in time. 13004 -- Steven Wright 13005% 13006The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because 13007it isn't here. 13008 -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley) 13009% 13010The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it 13011were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence. 13012 -- H. L. Mencken 13013% 13014 The people of Halifax invented the trampoline. During the 13015Victorian period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a 13016large wooden frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress' 13017it. The tripoline, as they called it, degenerated into becoming the 13018apparatus for a spectator sport. 13019 13020 The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for 13021castrating pigs during Sunday service. 13022 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 13023% 13024The Pig, if I am not mistaken, 13025Gives us ham and pork and Bacon. 13026Let others think his heart is big, 13027I think it stupid of the Pig. 13028 -- Ogden Nash 13029% 13030The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter 13031swang and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the 13032batter connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The 13033center fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute 13034his eyes were blound by the sun and he dropped it. 13035 -- Dizzy Dean 13036% 13037The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose. 13038 -- David Lardner 13039% 13040The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish 13041to be addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified. But it 13042is equally important to accept and tolerate different standards of 13043courtesy, not expecting everyone else to adapt to one's own 13044preferences. Only then can we hope to restore the insult to its proper 13045social function of expressing true distaste. 13046 -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to 13047 Excruciatingly Correct Behavior" 13048% 13049The porcupine with the sharpest quills gets stuck on a tree more often. 13050% 13051The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher, 13052 Were each of them once a kiddie. 13053A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature. 13054 Do I want one? God Forbiddie! 13055 -- Ogden Nash 13056% 13057The President publicly apologized today to all those offended by his 13058brother's remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than there is 13059Jews!". Those offended include Arabs, Jews, and English teachers. 13060 -- Baltimore, Channel 11 News, on Jimmy Carter 13061% 13062The price of seeking to force our beliefs on others is that someday 13063they might force their beliefs on us. 13064 -- Mario Cuomo 13065% 13066The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired 13067warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by 13068changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped 13069marker. 13070 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 13071% 13072The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to 13073constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every 13074appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA 13075statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This 13076also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change. 13077 -- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers 13078% 13079The primary requisite for any new tax law is for it to exempt enough 13080voters to win the next election. 13081% 13082The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO" 13083represents the secondary theme: 13084 13085 Law Enforcement Officials 13086 13087The overall theme of SoupCon shall be: 13088 13089 Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials 13090 13091 -- M. Gallaher 13092% 13093... the privileged being which we call human is distinguished from 13094other animals only by certain double-edged manifestations which in 13095charity we can only call "inhuman." 13096 -- R. A. Lafferty 13097% 13098The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the 13099stupidity of your action. 13100% 13101The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with. 13102Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil 13103using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle 13104Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats, 13105etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous 13106bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons. None 13107of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats 13108developed cancer. 13109 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" 13110% 13111The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go 13112to erase it. 13113 -- Glaser and Way 13114% 13115The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to get 13116results. 13117 13118The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy 13119problems in order to get results. 13120 13121The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at toy 13122problems in order to get results. 13123% 13124The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be 13125pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues. 13126 -- Elizabeth Taylor 13127% 13128The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 13129% 13130The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's 13131outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by 13132mistake since its colors are those of the London Reform Club. Once 13133tied around its victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims 13134the insurance before running off to Germany where it lives in hiding. 13135 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 13136% 13137"The pyramid is opening!" 13138"Which one?" 13139"The one with the ever-widening hole in it!" 13140 -- Firesign Theater, "How Can You Be In Two Places At 13141 Once When You're Not Anywhere At All" 13142% 13143The qotc (quote of the con) was Liz's: 13144 "My brain is paged out to my liver" 13145% 13146The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What is 13147it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television, 13148that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of 13149industrial waste? 13150 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics" 13151% 13152The rain it raineth on the just 13153 And also on the unjust fella, 13154But chiefly on the just, because 13155 The unjust steals the just's umbrella. 13156 --Lord Bowen 13157% 13158The reader this message encounters not failing to understand is 13159cursed. 13160% 13161The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much. 13162% 13163The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose", 13164which is also sometimes called "grape sugar", and also because "Grape 13165Nuts" is catchier, in terms of marketing, than "A Cross Between Gerbil 13166Food and Gravel", which is what it tastes like. 13167 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" 13168% 13169The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one 13170persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all 13171progress depends on the unreasonable man. 13172 -- George Bernard Shaw 13173% 13174The revolution will not be televised. 13175% 13176The reward of a thing well done is to have done it. 13177 -- Emerson 13178% 13179The rhino is a homely beast, 13180For human eyes he's not a feast. 13181Farewell, farewell, you old rhinoceros, 13182I'll stare at something less prepoceros. 13183 -- Ogden Nash 13184% 13185The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This 13186means that only left handed people are in their right mind. 13187% 13188The Right Honorable Gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests 13189and to his imagination for his facts. 13190 -- Sheridan 13191% 13192The right to revolt has sources deep in our history. 13193 -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas 13194% 13195The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the 13196House Un-American Activities Committee]. We will determine what rights 13197you have and what rights you have not got. 13198 -- J. Parnell Thomas 13199% 13200The road to hell is paved with good intentions. And littered with 13201sloppy analysis! 13202% 13203The Roman Rule 13204 The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the 13205 one who is doing it. 13206% 13207The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in 13208his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on 13209one leg. The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't 13210take it too seriously. 13211 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 13212% 13213The rule on staying alive as a forecaster is to give 'em a number or 13214give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once. 13215 -- Jane Bryant Quinn 13216% 13217"The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography" 13218% 13219The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100 13220showed that all had these things in common: 13221 13222 (1) They all had moderate appetites. 13223 (2) They all came from middle class homes 13224 (3) All but two of them were dead. 13225% 13226The scum also rises. 13227 -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson 13228% 13229The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes, 13230respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven milestones 13231from man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the 13232milestones are lifted. 13233 -- George Bernard Shaw 13234% 13235 The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood 13236as he reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all. 13237The Gray Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in 13238the palace of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in 13239twenty-five of him are dead, he is alive. 13240 13241 "Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached 13242everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a 13243fierce host which out-numbers Lankhmar's inhabitants by fifty to one -- 13244and equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city." 13245 13246 "How?" demanded Fafhrd. 13247 13248 Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know." 13249 -- Fritz Leiber, from "The Swords of Lankhmar" 13250% 13251The sheep that fly over your head are soon to land. 13252% 13253The shortest distance between two points is under construction. 13254 -- Noelie Alito 13255% 13256The Sixth Commandment of Frisbee: 13257 The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going 13258in a direction you did not want. (Goes the wrong way = Goes a long 13259way.) 13260 -- Dan Roddick 13261% 13262The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity 13263and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted 13264activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy ... 13265neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water. 13266% 13267The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their 13268money. 13269 -- Ed Bluestone, "The National Lampoon" 13270% 13271The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up! 13272% 13273The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be 13274able to correct them. 13275 -- Nicolaides 13276% 13277The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears. 13278% 13279The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average Russian's 13280readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement of 13281some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet 13282reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led 13283the field for many years in both chess and ax murders. It is well 13284known that as early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at 13285Reykjavik would do to national prestige, implemented a vigorous program 13286of preparation and incentive. Every day for an entire year, a team of 13287psychologists, chess analysts and coaches met with the top three 13288Russian grand masters and threatened them with a pointy stick. That 13289these tactics proved fruitless is now a part of chess history and a 13290further testament to the American way, which provides that if you want 13291something badly enough, you can always go to Iceland and get it from 13292the Russians. 13293 -- Marshall Brickman, Playboy, April, 1973 13294% 13295 The STAR WARS Song 13296 Sung to the tune of "Lola", by the Kinks: 13297 13298I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah 13299Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda 13300 S-O-D-A soda 13301I saw the little runt sitting there on a log 13302I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda 13303 Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda 13304 13305Well I've been around but I ain't never seen 13306A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green 13307 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda 13308Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand 13309How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand 13310 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda 13311% 13312The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub. 13313% 13314The steady state of disks is full. 13315 -- Ken Thompson 13316% 13317 THE STORY OF CREATION 13318 or 13319 THE MYTH OF URK 13320 13321In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null, 13322and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM 13323was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there be 13324registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they carried; 13325and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called the data 13326Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was evening 13327and there was morning, one interrupt. 13328 -- Rico Tudor 13329% 13330The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make 13331them unsafe. 13332 -- Mayor Frank Rizzo 13333% 13334The student in question is performing minimally for his peer group and 13335is an emerging underachiever. 13336% 13337The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant 13338biology. 13339% 13340The subspace _W inherits the other 8 properties of _V. And there aren't 13341even any property taxes. 13342 -- J. MacKay, Mathematics 134b 13343% 13344The sum of the Universe is zero. 13345% 13346The sun was shining on the sea, 13347Shining with all his might: 13348He did his very best to make 13349The billows smooth and bright -- 13350And this was very odd, because it was 13351The middle of the night. 13352 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" 13353% 13354The superfluous is very necessary. 13355 -- Voltaire 13356% 13357The surest protection against temptation is cowardice. 13358 -- Mark Twain 13359% 13360The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our 13361authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as 13362the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as 13363the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much 13364radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much 13365as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we 13366receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the 13367Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will 13368heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to 13369the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much 13370heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for 13371radiation, (_H/_E)^4 = 50, where _E is the absolute temperature of the 13372earth (-300K), gives _H as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell 13373cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the 13374fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which 13375burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means 13376that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C. We 13377have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C. 13378 -- From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972 13379% 13380The Third Law of Photography: 13381 If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined 13382when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of the dark 13383leaks out. 13384% 13385The Three Laws of Thermodynamics: 13386 13387The First Law: You can't get anything without working for it. 13388The Second Law: The most you can accomplish by working is to break 13389 even. 13390The Third Law: You can only break even at absolute zero. 13391% 13392 The Three Major Kind of Tools 13393 13394* Tools for hittings things to make them loose or to tighten them up or 13395 jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a 13396 manner that they function perfectly. (These are your hammers, maces, 13397 bludgeons, and truncheons.) 13398 13399* Tools that, if dropped properly, can penetrate your foot. (Awls) 13400 13401* Tools that nobody should ever use because the potential danger is far 13402 greater than the value of any project that could possibly result. 13403 (Power saws, power drills, power staplers, any kind of tool that uses 13404 any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.) 13405 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 13406% 13407The trouble with a kitten is that 13408When it grows up, it's always a cat 13409 -- Ogden Nash. 13410% 13411The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time. 13412% 13413The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate 13414it. 13415 -- Franklin P. Jones 13416% 13417The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing 13418more important to do. 13419% 13420The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody 13421appreciates how difficult it was. 13422% 13423The trouble with superheros is what to do between phone booths. 13424 -- Ken Kesey 13425% 13426The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie. 13427 -- Lenny Bruce 13428% 13429The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility. 13430And vice versa. 13431% 13432The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks 13433Which practically conceal its sex. 13434I think it clever of the turtle 13435In such a fix to be so fertile. 13436 -- Ogden Nash 13437% 13438The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. 13439% 13440The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more 13441annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation. 13442 -- Oscar Wilde 13443% 13444The United States also has its native Fascists who say that they are 13445"100 percent American"... 13446 -- U. S. Army (1945) 13447% 13448The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to 13449everybody and still nobody likes him. 13450 -- Jim Samuels 13451% 13452The universe does not have laws -- it has habits, and habits can be 13453broken. 13454% 13455The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination -- but the 13456combination is locked up in the safe. 13457 -- Peter DeVries 13458% 13459The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie 13460Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall. Philbin is said 13461to make up for no talent by cheating well. Says Philbin of his 13462decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride." 13463% 13464The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and 13465religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging 13466from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its 13467yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledygook than the rest of the 13468world put together. 13469 -- Sir Peter Medawar 13470% 13471The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be 13472regarded as a criminal offense. 13473 -- E. W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 13474% 13475The verdict of a jury is the a priori opinion of that juror who smokes 13476the worst cigars. 13477 -- H. L. Mencken 13478% 13479The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid 13480prejudice. 13481 -- Mark Twain 13482% 13483The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. 13484Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts 13485to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to 13486be one of the facts that needs altering. 13487 -- Doctor Who, "Face of Evil" 13488% 13489The wages of sin are death; but after they're done taking out taxes, 13490it's just a tired feeling: 13491% 13492The wages of sin are high but you get your money's worth. 13493% 13494The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity 13495that would be clearly understood. 13496 -- Alexander Haig 13497% 13498The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start 13499with a large fortune. 13500% 13501 THE WOMBAT 13502 13503The wombat lives across the seas, 13504Among the far Antipodes. 13505He may exist on nuts and berries, 13506Or then again, on missionaries; 13507His distant habitat precludes 13508Conclusive knowledge of his moods. 13509But I would not engage the wombat 13510In any form of mortal combat. 13511% 13512The world is coming to an end ... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!! 13513% 13514The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books! 13515% 13516The world is coming to an end. Please log off. 13517% 13518The world's as ugly as sin, 13519And almost as delightful. 13520 -- Frederick Locker-Lampson 13521% 13522The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of 13523four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all 13524the answers. 13525% 13526Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations. 13527 13528He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan, 13529then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open 13530market. 13531 13532If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he should 13533not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of himself. 13534 13535Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree. 13536Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg. 13537Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower. 13538 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 13539% 13540Then here's to the City of Boston, 13541The town of the cries and the groans. 13542Where the Cabots can't see the Kabotschniks, 13543And the Lowells won't speak to the Cohns. 13544 -- Franklin Pierce Adams 13545% 13546 THEORY 13547Into love and out again, 13548 Thus I went and thus I go. 13549Spare your voice, and hold your pen: 13550 Well and bitterly I know 13551All the songs were ever sung, 13552 All the words were ever said; 13553Could it be, when I was young, 13554 Someone dropped me on my head? 13555 -- Dorothy Parker 13556% 13557There *__is* intelligent life on Earth, but I leave for Texas on Monday. 13558% 13559There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, 13560and praiseworthy ... 13561 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 13562% 13563There are many intelligent species in the universe. They all own 13564cats. 13565% 13566There are no data that cannot be plotted on a straight line if the axis 13567are chosen correctly. 13568% 13569There are no games on this system. 13570% 13571There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the 13572existence of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any 13573marginally competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat 13574engine and make some other part of hell comfortably cool. This is 13575obviously impossible. 13576 -- Richard Davisson 13577% 13578There are people so addicted to exaggeration 13579that they can't tell the truth without lying. 13580 -- Josh Billings 13581% 13582There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a 13583vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone. 13584 -- Gloria Steinem 13585% 13586 There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that 13587someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named 13588Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or 13589Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that 13590every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is 13591this? 13592 Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for 13593centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think ___you 13594can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's 13595forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster 13596-- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't 13597even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover 13598why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance. 13599 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 13600% 13601There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both 13602plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis; 13603and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again, 13604don't we all? 13605% 13606There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells 13607and fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated 13608pools here and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving 13609them parched for wonder. There are also those who believe that if you 13610stick your fingers up your nose and blow, it will increase your 13611intelligence. 13612 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII 13613% 13614There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics. 13615 -- Disraeli 13616% 13617There are three possibilities: 13618Pioneer's solar panel has turned away from the sun; 13619there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or 13620someone loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor. 13621% 13622There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be 13623offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin 13624a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount 13625of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of 13626affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. 13627When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. 13628Under no circumstances can the food be omitted. 13629 -- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior 13630% 13631There are three principal ways to lose money: wine, women, and 13632engineers. While the first two are more pleasant, the third is by far 13633the more certain. 13634 -- Baron Rothschild, ca. 1800 13635% 13636There are three schools of magic. One: State a tautology, then ring 13637the changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy. Two: Record many 13638facts. Try to find a pattern. Then make a wrong guess at the next 13639fact; that's science. Three: Be aware that you live in a malevolent 13640Universe controlled by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's 13641Factor; that's engineering. 13642% 13643There are three things I always forget. Names, faces -- the third I 13644can't remember. 13645 -- Italo Svevo 13646% 13647There are three ways to get something done: 13648 (1) Do it yourself. 13649 (2) Hire someone to do it for you. 13650 (3) Forbid your kids to do it. 13651% 13652There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire 13653someone, or forbid your kids to do it. 13654% 13655There are times when truth is stranger than fiction and lunch time is 13656one of them. 13657% 13658There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect 13659the sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the 13660sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too. 13661 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" 13662% 13663There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good 13664sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more. 13665 -- Woody Allen 13666% 13667There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to 13668make is so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the 13669other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious 13670deficiencies. 13671 -- C. A. R. Hoare 13672% 13673There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the 13674other is to read Pope. 13675 -- Oscar Wilde 13676% 13677There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one 13678works. 13679% 13680There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a 13681suitable application of high explosives. 13682% 13683There can be no twisted thought without a twisted molecule. 13684 -- R. W. Gerard 13685% 13686There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. 13687 -- Henry Kissinger 13688% 13689There exist tasks which cannot be done by more than 10 men or fewer 13690than 100. 13691 -- Steele's Law 13692% 13693There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know 13694nothing about. 13695% 13696There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an 13697opinion. 13698 -- Anatole France 13699% 13700There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of 13701paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write. 13702% 13703There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder. 13704% 13705There is a Massachusetts law requiring all dogs to have their hind legs 13706tied during the month of April. 13707% 13708There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish. 13709 -- Walt Disney 13710% 13711There is a road to freedom. Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor, 13712Honesty, Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and 13713love of the Fatherland. 13714 -- Adolf Hitler 13715% 13716There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly 13717what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly 13718disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and 13719inexplicable. 13720 13721There is another theory which states that this has already happened. 13722 13723 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 13724% 13725There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum. 13726 -- Arthur C. Clarke 13727% 13728There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. 13729 -- Mark Twain 13730% 13731There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the 13732tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not 13733abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and 13734war hold him in check. And also the wife who wants him home by five, 13735of course. 13736 -- Encyclopedia Apocryphia, 1990 ed. 13737% 13738There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home. 13739 -- Ken Olsen, President of DEC, World Future Society 13740 Convention, 1977 13741% 13742There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it. 13743 -- G. B. Shaw 13744% 13745There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes. 13746% 13747There is no such thing as fortune. Try again. 13748% 13749There is no time like the pleasant. 13750% 13751There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be 13752doing. 13753% 13754There is no TRUTH. There is no REALITY. There is no CONSISTENCY. 13755There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS I'm very probably wrong. 13756% 13757"There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine," 13758said a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat. "And yet just 13759a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with an unanswerable 13760question," said Nasrudin. "I could have answered it if I had been 13761there." "Very well. He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in 13762the middle of the night?'" 13763% 13764There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the 13765ocean level wouldn't cure. 13766 -- Ross MacDonald 13767% 13768There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and 13769that is not being talked about. 13770 -- Oscar Wilde 13771% 13772There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale 13773returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact. 13774 -- Mark Twain 13775% 13776There once was a girl named Irene 13777Who lived on distilled kerosene 13778 But she started absorbin' 13779 A new hydrocarbon 13780And since then has never benzene. 13781% 13782There once was a member of Mensa 13783Who was a most excellent fencer. 13784 The sword that he used 13785 Was his -- (line is refused, 13786And has now been removed by the censor). 13787% 13788There once was an old man from Esser, 13789Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser. 13790 It at last grew so small, 13791 He knew nothing at all, 13792And now he's a College Professor. 13793% 13794There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it. 13795 -- C. S. Lewis, The Chronicles of Narnia 13796% 13797There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were 13798left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley. 13799Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so they 13800started debating who should be allowed to stay. 13801 13802The Pope pointed out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all 13803over the world, the President explained that if he died then America 13804would be stuck with the Vice-President, and so forth. Then Mayor Daley 13805said, "Look! We're not solving anything like this! The only fair 13806thing to do is to vote on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97 13807votes. 13808% 13809There was a young lady from Hyde 13810Who ate a green apple and died. 13811 While her lover lamented 13812 The apple fermented 13813And made cider inside her inside. 13814% 13815There was a young man who said "God, 13816I find it exceedingly odd, 13817 That the willow oak tree 13818 Continues to be, 13819When there's no one about in the Quad." 13820 13821"Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd, 13822For I'm always about in the Quad; 13823 And that's why the tree, 13824 Continues to be," 13825Signed "Yours faithfully, God." 13826% 13827There was a young poet named Dan, 13828Whose poetry never would scan. 13829 When told this was so, 13830 He said, "Yes, I know. 13831It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can." 13832% 13833There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: 13834both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to 13835talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him 13836during the trial. 13837 -- David Letterman 13838% 13839There were in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of 13840the two had the following record: the Vietnam War, Watergate, double- 13841digit inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the 138428-cent postcard. The second was responsible for such things as the 13843transistor, the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity 13844stereo recording, sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative 13845feedback, magnetic tape, magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching 13846systems, microwave radio and TV relay systems, information theory, the 13847first electrical digital computer, and the first communications 13848satellite. Guess which one got to tell the other how to run the 13849telephone business? 13850% 13851There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not 13852a fence. 13853% 13854There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to. 13855% 13856There's little in taking or giving, 13857 There's little in water or wine: 13858This living, this living, this living, 13859 Was never a project of mine. 13860Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is 13861 The gain of the one at the top, 13862For art is a form of catharsis, 13863 And love is a permanent flop, 13864And work is the province of cattle, 13865 And rest's for a clam in a shell, 13866So I'm thinking of throwing the battle -- 13867 Would you kindly direct me to hell? 13868 -- Dorothy Parker 13869% 13870There's no easy quick way out, we're gonna have to live through our 13871whole lives, win, lose, or draw. 13872 -- Walt Kelly 13873% 13874There's no future in time travel. 13875% 13876There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes. 13877 -- Dr. Who 13878% 13879There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get 13880any worse. 13881% 13882There's no room in the drug world for amateurs. 13883% 13884There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government 13885working for you. 13886 -- Will Rodgers 13887% 13888There's nothing in the middle of the road but a yellow stripe and 13889dead armadillos. 13890 -- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner 13891% 13892There's nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them 13893won't aggravate. 13894% 13895There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn 13896what it is I'll get married again. 13897 -- Clint Eastwood 13898% 13899There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is 13900becoming an endangered synthetic. 13901 -- Lily Tomlin 13902% 13903"These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!" 13904"These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!" 13905"These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP 13906out of MEGATON MAN!" 13907% 13908These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what they 13909used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink. 13910% 13911They also surf who only stand on waves. 13912% 13913They make a desert and call it peace. 13914 -- Tacitus (55?-120?) 13915% 13916They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners 13917always spell better than they pronounce. 13918 -- Mark Twain 13919% 13920They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary 13921safety deserve neither liberty nor safety. 13922 -- Benjamin Franklin, 1759 13923% 13924They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them! 13925% 13926They told me you had proven it When they discovered our results 13927 About a month before. Their hair began to curl 13928The proof was valid, more or less Instead of understanding it 13929 But rather less than more. We'd run the thing through PRL. 13930 13931He sent them word that we would try Don't tell a soul about all this 13932 To pass where they had failed For it must ever be 13933And after we were done, to them A secret, kept from all the rest 13934 The new proof would be mailed. Between yourself and me. 13935 13936My notion was to start again 13937 Ignoring all they'd done 13938We quickly turned it into code 13939 To see if it would run. 13940% 13941They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid! 13942% 13943They're unfriendly, which is fortunate, really. They'd be difficult to like. 13944 -- Avon 13945% 13946Things are more like they used to be than they are now. 13947% 13948Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face. 13949% 13950Think big. Pollute the Mississippi. 13951% 13952Think honk if you're a telepath. 13953% 13954Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.! 13955% 13956Think of your family tonight. Try to crawl home after the computer 13957crashes. 13958% 13959Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click". 13960% 13961"Thirty days hath Septober, 13962April, June, and no wonder. 13963all the rest have peanut butter 13964except my father who wears red suspenders." 13965% 13966This Fortue Examined By INSPECTOR NO. 2-14 13967% 13968This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate need, 13969please use the program "________randchar". This program generates random 13970characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come up with 13971something profound. It will, however, take it no time at all to be 13972more profound than THIS program has ever been. 13973% 13974This fortune intentionally not included. 13975% 13976This fortune is false. 13977% 13978This fortune is inoperative. Please try another. 13979% 13980This is a country where people are free to practice their religion, 13981regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling keys... 13982% 13983This is a job for BOB VIOLENCE and SCUM, the INCREDIBLY STUPID MUTANT DOG. 13984 -- Bob Violence 13985% 13986This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. If this had been an 13987actual emergency, do you really think we'd stick around to tell you? 13988% 13989This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly, 13990because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under 13991which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has 13992"deregulated" the airline industry. What this means for you, the 13993consumer, is that the airlines are no longer required to follow any 13994rules whatsoever. They can show snuff movies. They can charge for 13995oxygen. They can hire pilots right out of Vending Machine Refill 13996Person School. They can conserve fuel by ejecting husky passengers 13997over water. They can ram competing planes in mid-air. These 13998innovations have resulted in tremendous cost savings which have been 13999passed along to you, the consumer, in the form of flights with 14000amazingly low fares, such as $29. Of course, certain restrictions do 14001apply, the main one being that all these flights take you to Newark, 14002and you must pay thousands of dollars if you want to fly back out. 14003 -- Dave Barry, "Iowa -- Land of Secure Vacations" 14004% 14005This is an unauthorized cybernetic announcement. 14006% 14007This is for all ill-treated fellows 14008 Unborn and unbegot, 14009For them to read when they're in trouble 14010 And I am not. 14011 -- A. E. Housman 14012% 14013This is lemma 1.1. We start a new chapter so the numbers all go back 14014to one. 14015 -- Prof. Seager, C&O 351 14016% 14017This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week. 14018% 14019THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM 14020 14021If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your 14022contribution of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue 14023without your support. Less than 14% of all fortune users are 14024contributors. That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride. We 14025can't go on like this much longer. Federal cutbacks mean less money 14026for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase to make up the 14027difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between midnight 14028and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to 14029"fortune". Just type in your favorite pithy saying. Do it now before 14030you forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week. 14031Don't miss out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute 1403230 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The 14033Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide. If you contribute 50 or 14034more, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug .... 14035% 14036This is the ____LAST time I take travel suggestions from Ray Bradbury! 14037% 14038This is the first numerical problem I ever did. It demonstrates the 14039power of computers: 14040 14041Enter lots of data on calorie & nutritive content of foods. Instruct 14042the thing to maximize a function describing nutritive content, with a 14043minimum level of each component, for fixed caloric content. The 14044results are that one should eat each day: 14045 14046 1/2 chicken 14047 1 egg 14048 1 glass of skim milk 14049 27 heads of lettuce. 14050 -- Rev. Adrian Melott 14051% 14052This is the story of the bee 14053Whose sex is very hard to see 14054 14055You cannot tell the he from the she 14056But she can tell, and so can he 14057 14058The little bee is never still 14059She has no time to take the pill 14060 14061And that is why, in times like these 14062There are so many sons of bees. 14063% 14064This is your fortune. 14065% 14066This land is full of trousers! 14067this land is full of mausers! 14068 And pussycats to eat them when the sun goes down! 14069 -- Firesign Theater 14070% 14071This land is made of mountains, 14072This land is made of mud, 14073This land has lots of everything, 14074For me and Elmer Fudd. 14075 14076This land has lots of trousers, 14077This land has lots of mousers, 14078And pussycats to eat them 14079When the sun goes down. 14080% 14081This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual life, 14082you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where 14083to go. 14084% 14085This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88 14086% 14087This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with 14088great force. 14089 -- Dorothy Parker 14090% 14091This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of 14092the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many 14093solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were 14094largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, 14095which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of 14096paper that were unhappy. 14097 -- Douglas Adams 14098% 14099This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does 14100something child-like. 14101 -- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454 14102% 14103This quote is taken from the Diamondback, the University of Maryland 14104student newspaper, of Tuesday, 3/10/87. 14105 14106 One disadvantage of the Univac system is that it does not use 14107 Unix, a recently developed program which translates from one 14108 computer language to another and has a built-in editing system 14109 which identifies errors in the original program. 14110% 14111This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't. 14112 -- Hofstadter 14113% 14114... This striving for excellence extends into people's personal lives 14115as well. When '80s people buy something, they buy the best one, as 14116determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability. Eighties people 14117buy imported dental floss. They buy gourmet baking soda. If an '80s 14118couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a reservation three 14119weeks in advance, and they are informed that their table is available, 14120they stalk out immediately, because they know it is not an excellent 14121restaurant. If it were, it would have an enormous crowd of 14122excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their beepers going 14123off like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant wouldn't have 14124a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of Liza Minnelli. 14125 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 14126% 14127This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it. 14128% 14129 Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire 14130rainbow of legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better 14131than he does. 14132 As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about 14133it. I am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily 14134sane. But we will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we 14135consider his exterior a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is 14136being eaten alive by tinhorn politicians. 14137 The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can 14138do for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his 14139honor. From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can 14140be as easily led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public 14141relations, to joy as to bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter 14142Thompson's disease. I don't have it this morning. It comes and goes. 14143This morning I don't have Hunter Thompson's disease. 14144 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr. on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt 14145 from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear 14146 and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72" 14147% 14148Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those 14149of us who do. 14150% 14151Those who can't write, write manuals. 14152% 14153Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate. 14154% 14155Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics. 14156 -- French Proverb 14157% 14158Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly. 14159 -- Henry Spencer 14160% 14161Those who educate children well are more to be honored than parents, 14162for these only gave life, those the art of living well. 14163 -- Aristotle 14164% 14165Those who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often 14166surprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law. 14167 -- Mark B. Cohen 14168% 14169Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose. 14170% 14171Those who make peaceful revolution impossible 14172will make violent revolution inevitable. 14173 -- John F. Kennedy 14174% 14175Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet deprecate agitation, are 14176men who want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean 14177without the roar of its many waters. 14178 -- Frederick Douglass 14179% 14180Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are 14181the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with 14182Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether -- 14183whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation ... A 14184fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any 14185more about the matter than the others. 14186 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 14187% 14188Time flies like an arrow 14189Fruit flies like a banana 14190% 14191Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana. 14192% 14193Time is an illusion; lunchtime, doubly so. 14194 -- Ford Prefect 14195% 14196Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at 14197once. 14198% 14199'Tis the dream of each programmer, 14200Before his life is done, 14201To write three lines of APL, 14202And make the damn things run. 14203% 14204 (to "The Caissons Go Rolling Along") 14205Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug 14206Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug 14207And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. 14208Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all, 14209Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall 14210And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. 14211And we've also found Just flip one switch 14212When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch 14213You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble 14214 in a flash. 14215Oh, it's so much fun, When the CPU 14216Now the CPU won't run Can print nothing out but "foo," 14217And the system is going to crash. The system is going to crash. 14218% 14219 To A Quick Young Fox: 14220Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp, 14221Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice? 14222Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp -- 14223Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice. 14224 -- Lazy Dog 14225% 14226To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it. 14227% 14228To be is to do. 14229 -- I. Kant 14230To do is to be. 14231 -- A. Sartre 14232Yabba-Dabba-Doo! 14233 -- F. Flintstone 14234% 14235To be responsive at this time, though I will simply say, and therefore 14236this is a repeat of what I said previously, that which I am unable to 14237offer in response is based on information available to make no such 14238statement. 14239% 14240To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit, 14241call it the target. 14242% 14243To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy. 14244% 14245To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System 14246% 14247To err is human, to moo bovine. 14248% 14249To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D. 14250 -- B. Duggan 14251% 14252To generalize is to be an idiot. 14253 -- William Blake 14254% 14255To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three 14256men, two of them absent. 14257% 14258To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk. 14259 -- Thomas Edison 14260% 14261To iterate is human, to recurse, divine. 14262 -- Robert Heller 14263% 14264To the best of my recollection, Senator, I can't recall. 14265% 14266To the systems programmer, users and applications serve only to provide 14267a test load. 14268% 14269To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional 14270system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy, 14271inelegant, and unsatisfying. But it's a question of congruence: 14272precision and flexibility may be just as dysfunctional in novel, 14273uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar, 14274well-defined ones. Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures 14275of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very 14276secure ecological niche. 14277 -- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers" 14278% 14279To understand this important story, you have to understand how the 14280telephone company works. Your telephone is connected to a local 14281computer, which is in turn connected to a regional computer, which is 14282in turn connected to a loudspeaker the size of a garbage truck on the 14283lawn of Edna A. Bargewater of Lawrence, Kan. 14284 14285Whenever you talk on the phone, your local computer listens in. If it 14286suspects you're going to discuss an intimate topic, it notifies the 14287computer above it, which listens in and decides whether to alert the 14288one above it, until finally, if you really humiliate yourself, maybe 14289break down in tears and tell your closest friend about a sordid 14290incident from your past involving a seedy motel, a neighbor's spouse, 14291an entire religious order, a garden hose and six quarts of tapioca 14292pudding, the top computer feeds your conversation into Edna's 14293loudspeaker, and she and her friends come out on the porch to listen 14294and drink gin and laugh themselves silly. 14295 -- Dave Barry, "Won't It Be Just Great Owning Our Own 14296 Phones?" 14297% 14298To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it? 14299% 14300To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. 14301 -- Woody Allen 14302% 14303Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official. 14304% 14305Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day. 14306% 14307Today is the first day of the rest of the mess. 14308% 14309Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage. 14310% 14311Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. 14312% 14313Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity? 14314 14315And where does it go after it leaves the toaster? 14316 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 14317% 14318Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new 14319cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more 14320spectacular adventure starring ... Tippy, the Wonder Dog. 14321 -- Bob & Ray 14322% 14323Today, of course, it is considered very poor taste to use the F-word 14324except in major motion pictures. 14325 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" 14326% 14327Toilet Toup'ee, n.: 14328 Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus 14329creating endless annoyance to male users. 14330 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 14331% 14332Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest. 14333% 14334Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree. 14335% 14336Too clever is dumb. 14337 -- Ogden Nash 14338% 14339Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL. 14340 -- Mae West 14341% 14342Too much of everything is just enough. 14343 -- Bob Wier 14344% 14345Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available 14346briefcases. 14347 -- Governor Jerry Brown 14348% 14349Top 10 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon Programmer: 14350 10) Specifications are for the weak and timid! 14351 9) You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand! 14352 8) Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull! 14353 7) What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'. 14354 Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality 14355 assurance people in its wake. 14356 6) Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments' 14357 - and they ALWAYS WIN THEM. 14358 5) Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak. 14359 4) A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code! 14360 3) Klingon software does NOT have BUGS. It has FEATURES, and those features 14361 are too sophisticated for a Romulan pig like you to understand. 14362 2) You cannot truly appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the 14363 original Klingon. 14364 1) Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! 14365 Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are! 14366% 14367Top scientists agree that with the present rate of consumption, the 14368earth's supply of gravity will be exhausted before the 24th century. 14369As man struggles to discover cheaper alternatives, we need your help. 14370Please... 14371 14372 CONSERVE GRAVITY 14373 14374Follow these simple suggestions: 14375 14376(1) Walk with a light step. Carry helium balloons if possible. 14377(2) Use tape, magnets, or glue instead of paperweights. 14378(3) Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like 14379 curling. 14380(4) Avoid showers .. take baths instead. 14381(5) Don't hang all your clothes in the closet ... Keep them in one big 14382 pile. 14383(6) Stop flipping pancakes 14384% 14385Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow. 14386% 14387Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful, wealthy, and live 14388in eucalyptus trees. 14389% 14390Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence. 14391 -- Henrik Tikkanen 14392% 14393Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it. 14394 -- Mark Twain 14395% 14396Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.) 14397% 14398Truthful, adj.: 14399 Dumb and illiterate. 14400 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 14401% 14402Try not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational. 14403 -- Charles Schulz 14404% 14405Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good. 14406% 14407Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading: Was it done, 14408is it being done, or is something to be done? Reports are now written 14409in four tenses: past tense, present tense, future tense, and 14410pretense. Watch for novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmer), 14411defined by the imperfect past, the insufficient present, and the 14412absolutely perfect future. 14413 -- Amrom Katz 14414% 14415Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance. 14416% 14417Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only 14418specification is that it should run noiselessly. 14419% 14420Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth. 14421 -- Alan Watts 14422% 14423Trying to establish voice contact ... please ____yell into keyboard. 14424% 14425Turnaucka's Law: 14426 The attention span of a computer is only as long as its 14427electrical cord. 14428% 14429Tussman's Law: 14430 Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. 14431% 14432TV is chewing gum for the eyes. 14433 -- Frank Lloyd Wright 14434% 14435'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks 14436Did gyre and gimble in their cave 14437All mimsy was the CS-VAX 14438And Cory raths outgrabe. 14439 14440"Beware the software rot, my son! 14441The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash! 14442Beware the broken pipe, and shun 14443The frumious system crash!" 14444% 14445 'Twas the Night before Crisis 14446 14447'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house, 14448 Not a program was working not even a browse. 14449The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care, 14450 Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer. 14451The users were nestled all snug in their beds, 14452 While visions of inquiries danced in their heads. 14453When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter, 14454 I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter. 14455And what to my wondering eyes should appear, 14456 But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear. 14457More rapid than eagles, his programs they came, 14458 And he whistled and shouted and called them by name; 14459On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete! 14460 On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete! 14461His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean, 14462 From Weekends and nights in front of a screen. 14463A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head, 14464 Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread... 14465% 14466'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period 14467 preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, And 14468 throughout our place of residence, 14469Kinetic activity was not in evidence among the 14470 possessors of this potential, including that 14471 species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. 14472Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward 14473 edge of the woodburning caloric apparatus, 14474Pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an 14475 imminent visitation from an eccentric 14476 philanthropist among whose folkloric appelations 14477 is the honorific title of St. Nicklaus ... 14478% 14479Twenty Percent of Zero is Better than Nothing. 14480 -- Walt Kelly 14481% 14482Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long. 14483 -- Howard Kandel 14484% 14485Two men came before Nasrudin when he was magistrate. The first man 14486said, "This man has bitten my ear -- I demand compensation." The 14487second man said, "He bit it himself." Nasrudin withdrew to his 14488chambers, and spent an hour trying to bite his own ear. He succeeded 14489only in falling over and bruising his forehead. Returning to the 14490courtroom, Nasrudin pronounced, "Examine the man whose ear was bitten. 14491If his forehead is bruised, he did it himself and the case is 14492dismissed. If his forehead is not bruised, the other man did it and 14493must pay three silver pieces." 14494% 14495Two percent of zero is almost nothing. 14496% 14497Two sure ways to tell a sexy male; the first is, he has a bad memory. 14498I forget the second. 14499% 14500Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do. 14501% 14502U: There's a U -- a Unicorn! 14503 Run right up and rub its horn. 14504 Look at all those points you're losing! 14505 UMBER HULKS are so confusing. 14506 -- The Roguelet's ABC 14507% 14508"Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex." 14509 14510(Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.) 14511 -- Roman Law, trans. Petr Beckmann (1971) 14512% 14513UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist. 14514% 14515"Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?" 14516 14517"It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to food, 14518right?" 14519 -- MacNelley, "Shoe" 14520% 14521Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb: 14522 Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a 14523hammer or get a splinter in it. 14524% 14525Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a 14526just man is also a prison. 14527% 14528Under deadline pressure for the next week. If you want something, it 14529can wait. Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic ... 14530% 14531Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics: 14532 Superiority is recessive. 14533% 14534Unfair animal names: 14535 14536-- tsetse fly -- bullhead 14537-- booby -- duck-billed platypus 14538-- sapsucker -- Clarence 14539 -- Gary Larson 14540% 14541United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the 14542Christmas season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of 14543all the military forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of 14544all the patriots of every persuasion. 14545 14546Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low over the 14547world. 14548 -- Isaac Asimov 14549% 14550Universe, n.: 14551 The problem. 14552% 14553University, n.: 14554 Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's 14555usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to 14556fix it, and ... 14557% 14558unix soit qui mal y pense 14559% 14560UNIX was half a billion (500000000) seconds old on 14561Tue Nov 5 00:53:20 1985 GMT (measuring since the time(2) epoch). 14562 -- Andy Tannenbaum 14563% 14564Unnamed Law: 14565 If it happens, it must be possible. 14566% 14567Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out 14568twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages. 14569 -- H. L. Mencken 14570% 14571Usage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec ... inputdir 14572% 14573User n.: 14574 A programmer who will believe anything you tell him. 14575% 14576USER, n.: 14577 The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot." 14578 -- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top" 14579% 14580Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach. 14581 -- S. C. Johnson 14582% 14583Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, 14584opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none. 14585 -- Doug Larson 14586% 14587Vail's Second Axiom: 14588 The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the 14589amount of work already completed. 14590% 14591Valerie: Aww, Tom, you're going maudlin on me ... 14592Tom: I reserve the right to wax maudlin as I wane eloquent ... 14593 -- Tom Chapin 14594% 14595Van Roy's Law: 14596 An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. 14597% 14598Vanilla, adj.: 14599 Ordinary flavor, standard. See FLAVOR. When used of food, 14600very often does not mean that the food is flavored with vanilla 14601extract! For example, "vanilla-flavored won ton soup" (or simply 14602"vanilla won ton soup") means ordinary won ton soup, as opposed to hot 14603and sour won ton soup. 14604% 14605Velilind's Laws of Experimentation: 14606 (1) If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only 14607 once. 14608 (2) If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data 14609 points. 14610% 14611Veni, Vidi, Visa. 14612% 14613 "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past 14614year strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley 14615reap crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their 14616artichoke hearts. There has been a hot day in December and a blue 14617moon. Calendars are made with a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon 14618Holstein bore alive two insurance salesmen. The earth splits and the 14619entrails of a goat were found tied in square knots. The face of the 14620sun blackens and the skies have rained down soggy potato chips." 14621 14622 "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito. 14623 14624 "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug, "but I thought it made 14625good copy." 14626 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 14627% 14628Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters. 14629% 14630Vila: "I think I have just made the biggest mistake of my life." 14631Orac: "It is unlikely. I would predict there are far greater mistakes 14632 waiting to be made by someone with your obvious talent for it." 14633% 14634Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. 14635 -- Salvor Hardin 14636% 14637Virginia law forbids bathtubs in the house; tubs must be kept in the 14638yard. 14639% 14640VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) 14641 Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count to 14642 ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this 14643 morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you 14644 wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of 14645 that old underwear you own. 14646% 14647VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) 14648 You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is 14649 sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and 14650 sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus 14651 drivers. 14652% 14653"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from. 14654% 14655Virtue is its own punishment. 14656% 14657Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving 14658from where you left them to where you can't find them. 14659% 14660Vitamin C deficiency is apauling. 14661% 14662VMS is like a nightmare about RSX-11M. 14663% 14664Vote anarchist. 14665% 14666Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and 14667TAX-DEFERRED! 14668% 14669VYARZERZOMANIMORORSEZASSEZANSERAREORSES? 14670% 14671 14672 *** System shutdown message from root *** 14673 14674System going down in 60 seconds 14675 14676 14677% 14678Wagner's music is better than it sounds. 14679 -- Mark Twain 14680% 14681Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?" 146821st customer: "I'll have tea." 146832nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!" 14684 (Waiter exits, returns) 14685Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?" 14686% 14687Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser. 14688% 14689War hath no fury like a non-combatant. 14690 -- Charles Edward Montague 14691% 14692War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ketchup is a vegetable. 14693% 14694 WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL: 14695 14696Firings will continue until morale improves. 14697% 14698WARNING: 14699 Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your 14700mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth of hair on 14701your palms, and make a difference in the outcome of your favorite war. 14702% 14703Warning: Listening to WXRT on April Fools' Day is not recommended for 14704those who are slightly disoriented the first few hours after waking 14705up. 14706 -- Chicago Reader 4/22/83 14707% 14708Warp 7 -- It's a law we can live with. 14709% 14710Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm. 14711 -- John F. Kennedy 14712% 14713Waste not, get your budget cut next year. 14714% 14715Wasting time is an important part of living. 14716% 14717Watson's Law: 14718 The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the 14719number and significance of any persons watching it. 14720% 14721We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which 14722divides us is whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being 14723correct. My own feeling is that it is not crazy enough. 14724 -- Niels Bohr 14725% 14726We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. 14727 -- Oscar Wilde 14728% 14729We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm. 14730 -- Winston Churchill 14731% 14732We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it. 14733 -- Whole Earth Catalog 14734% 14735We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities. 14736 -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo" 14737% 14738We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to 14739socialism, because socialism is defunct. It dies all by itself. The 14740bad thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say 14741socialism? 14742 -- Fidel Castro 14743% 14744We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat's next-to-last theorem. 14745 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 14746% 14747We are upping our standards ... so up yours. 14748 -- Pat Paulsen for President, 1988. 14749% 14750We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved. 14751% 14752We can predict everything, except the future. 14753% 14754We cannot put the face of a person on a stamp unless said person is 14755deceased. My suggestion, therefore, is that you drop dead. 14756 -- James E. Day, Postmaster General 14757% 14758We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty! 14759 -- Vroomfondel 14760% 14761We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company. 14762% 14763We don't know who discovered water, but we're certain it wasn't a 14764fish. 14765% 14766We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't understand the 14767hardware, but we can *___see* the blinking lights! 14768% 14769We gave you an atomic bomb, what do you want, mermaids? 14770 -- I. I. Rabi to the Atomic Energy Commission 14771% 14772We had it tough ... I had to get up at 9 o'clock at night, half an 14773hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work 29 hours down 14774mill, and when we came home our Dad would kill us, and dance about on 14775our grave singing Haleleuia ... 14776 -- Monty Python 14777% 14778We have met the enemy, and he is us. 14779 -- Walt Kelly 14780% 14781We have only two things to worry about: That things will never get 14782back to normal, and that they already have. 14783% 14784We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his 14785hands for masturbation. 14786 -- Lily Tomlin 14787% 14788We have the flu. I don't know if this particular strain has an 14789official name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death 14790Flu". You may have had it yourself. The main symptom is that you wish 14791you had another setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that 14792said "ELECTROCUTION". 14793 14794Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a) your 14795teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength. Midway through the brushing 14796process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a 14797couple of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways 14798out of your mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste 14799stalagmites that would bond your head permanently to the bathroom 14800floor, which is how the police would find you. 14801 14802You know the kind of flu I'm talking about. 14803 -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide" 14804% 14805We may hope that machines will eventually compete with men in all 14806purely intellectual fields. But which are the best ones to start 14807with? Many people think that a very abstract activity, like the 14808playing of chess, would be best. It can also be maintained that it is 14809best to provide the machine with the best sense organs that money can 14810buy, and then teach it to understand and speak English. 14811 -- Alan M. Turing 14812% 14813We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always 14814respect their good judgement. 14815% 14816We must remember the First Amendment which protects any shrill jackass 14817no matter how self-seeking. 14818 -- F. G. Withington 14819% 14820We ought to be very grateful that we have tools. Millions of years ago 14821people did not have them, and home projects were extremely difficult. 14822For example, when a primitive person wanted to put up paneling, he had 14823to drive the little paneling nails into the cave wall with his bare 14824fist, so generally the paneling wound up getting spattered with 14825primitive blood, which isn't really all that bad when you consider how 14826ugly paneling is to begin with. 14827 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 14828% 14829We really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of our best 14830friends are trying to kill us. 14831% 14832 We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. 14833But there was also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle 14834Haggard song at a French restaurant. ... 14835 I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of 14836her milk white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I 14837had punched her boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone 14838told him, "You ride the bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was 14839lean and tough like a bad rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he 14840fought me. And when we finished there were no winners, just men doing 14841what men must do. ... 14842 "Stop the car," the girl said. There was a look of terrible 14843sadness in her eyes. She knew about the woman of the tollway. I knew 14844not how. I started to speak, but she raised an arm and spoke with a 14845quiet and peace I will never forget. 14846 "I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the 14847tollway belle's for thee." 14848 The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was 14849a lie. Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I 14850poured whiskey onto my granola and faced a new day. 14851 -- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway 14852 Competition 14853% 14854We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one 14855technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter. 14856% 14857We will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love, 14858we will cry over things we used to laugh & 14859our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentile 14860creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then & 14861in the end a summer with wild winds & 14862new friends will be. 14863% 14864We wish you a Hare Krishna 14865We wish you a Hare Krishna 14866We wish you a Hare Krishna 14867And a Sun Myung Moon! 14868 -- Maxwell Smart 14869% 14870We'll cross out that bridge when we come back to it later. 14871% 14872We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from 14873the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging 14874you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right 14875in his bowl full of jelly. 14876 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" 14877% 14878We're only in it for the volume. 14879 -- Black Sabbath 14880% 14881We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center 14882of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week, 14883but for some reason nobody's ever done it. 14884 -- Andy Rooney 14885% 14886Weiler's Law: 14887 Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. 14888% 14889Weinberg's First Law: 14890 Progress is made on alternate Fridays. 14891% 14892Weinberg's Principle: 14893 An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while 14894sweeping on to the grand fallacy. 14895% 14896Weinberg's Second Law: 14897 If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, 14898then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. 14899% 14900Weiner's Law of Libraries: 14901 There are no answers, only cross references. 14902% 14903Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter. He'll come in handy if 14904you run out of food. 14905 -- Dean McLaughlin. 14906% 14907Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a 14908lot of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke. Hartke is a 14909governor or mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the 14910reason you'll be reading about him is that he's one of the 50 top 14911contenders for the 1984 Democratic presidential nomination. These men 14912will spend the next 18 months going around the country engaging in the 14913most degrading activities imaginable, such as wearing idiot hats and 14914appearing on "Meet the Press". "Meet the Press" is one of those Sunday 14915morning public interest shows that the public is not the least bit 14916interested in. It features a panel of reporters who ask questions of a 14917guest politician, who wins an Amana home freezer if he can get through 14918the entire show without answering a single question ... 14919 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics" 14920% 14921Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them 14922back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds, 14923or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they 14924they couldn't afford it, that would hold them off. 14925 -- President Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile 14926% 14927Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *___can* 14928you believe?! 14929 -- Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward] 14930% 14931Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail, 14932 And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail; 14933I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues, 14934 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. 14935 14936If you think that it's nice that you get what you C, 14937 Then go : illogical statement with your whole family, 14938'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views. 14939 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. 14940 14941On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze, 14942 But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze. 14943Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse, 14944 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. 14945 -- Core Dumped Blues 14946% 14947"Well, that was a piece of cake, eh K-9?" 14948 14949"Piece of cake, Master? Radial slice of baked confection ... 14950coefficient of relevance to Key of Time: zero." 14951 -- Dr. Who 14952% 14953"Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is 14954no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five 14955hundred." 14956 -- The Mahabharata. 14957% 14958Westheimer's Discovery: 14959 A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a 14960couple of hours in the library. 14961% 14962Wethern's Law: 14963 Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. 14964% 14965"What are we going to do?" 14966 14967"Me, I'm examining the major Western religions. I'm looking for 14968something that's soft on morality, generous with holidays, and has a 14969short initiation period." 14970% 14971"What are you doing?" 14972 14973"Examining the world's major religions. I'm looking for something 14974that's light on morals, has lots of holidays, and with a short 14975initiation period." 14976% 14977What color is a chameleon on a mirror? 14978% 14979 "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty 14980teenager asked her mother. 14981 "Encouragement, dear," she replied. 14982% 14983What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"? 14984% 14985What does it mean if there is no fortune for you? 14986% 14987What garlic is to food, insanity is to art. 14988% 14989What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art. 14990% 14991What George Washington did for us was to throw out the British, so 14992that we wouldn't have a fat, insensitive government running our 14993country. Nice try anyway, George. 14994 -- D.J. on KSFO/KYA 14995% 14996What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the 14997entrance? 14998% 14999What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow 15000in his footsteps? 15001% 15002What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I hop into the shower 15003stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped in I landed 15004barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot character 15005from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off of 15006while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our 15007dog, Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up 15008powerful dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the 15009bathroom and wants to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any 15010one of which -- bear in mind that I am naked and, without my contact 15011lenses, essentially blind -- could result in the kind of injury where 15012you have to learn a whole new part if you want to sing the "Messiah", 15013if you get my drift. Then I hop right back out, because Robert, with 15014that uncanny sixth sense some children have -- you cannot teach it; 15015they either have it or they don't -- has chosen exactly that moment to 15016flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them. 15017 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face" 15018% 15019What I tell you three times is true. 15020% 15021What I think is that the F-word is basically just a convenient nasty- 15022sounding word that we tend to use when we would really like to come up 15023with a terrifically witty insult, the kind Winston Churchill always 15024came up with when enormous women asked him stupid questions at 15025parties. 15026 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" 15027% 15028What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility. 15029% 15030What I've done, of course, is total garbage. 15031 -- R. Willard, Pure Math 430a 15032% 15033What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I 15034definitely overpaid for my carpet. 15035 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 15036% 15037What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's 15038worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists? 15039 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 15040% 15041What is a magician but a practicing theorist? 15042 -- Obi-Wan Kenobi 15043% 15044What is mind? No matter. 15045What is matter? Never mind. 15046 -- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875 15047% 15048What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern 15049computer? It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest 15050and the establishment of a Hilton on its peak. 15051% 15052"What is the Nature of God?" 15053 15054 CLICK...CLICK...WHIRRR...CLICK...=BEEP!= 15055 1 QT. SOUR CREAM 15056 1 TSP. SAUERKRAUT 15057 1/2 CUT CHIVES. 15058 STIR AND SPRINKLE WITH BACON BITS. 15059 15060"I've just GOT to start labeling my software..." 15061 -- Bloom County 15062% 15063What is the robbing of a bank compared to the FOUNDING of a bank? 15064 -- Berthold Brecht 15065% 15066What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out, 15067which is the exact opposite. 15068 -- Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical_Essays", 1928 15069% 15070What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do. 15071% 15072What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing 15073to compare it with. 15074% 15075What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism. 15076It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books 15077and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes 15078and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: "Yes, 15079women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate 15080mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige 15081and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort." 15082 -- Susan Gordon 15083% 15084What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy? 15085 -- Ursula K. LeGuin 15086% 15087What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket. 15088% 15089What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away. 15090% 15091What the world *really* needs is a good Automatic Bicycle Sharpener. 15092% 15093What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel. 15094% 15095What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING! 15096% 15097What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer. 15098% 15099What this country needs is a good five cent nickel. 15100% 15101What this country needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon. 15102% 15103What this world needs is a good five-dollar plasma weapon. 15104% 15105What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn? 15106 -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn" 15107% 15108What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which 15109nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday 15110Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space- 15111launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, during which it just 15112remains 7 a.m. This way we could all wake up via a civilized gradual 15113process of stretching and belching and scratching, and it would still 15114be only 7 a.m. when we were ready to actually emerge from bed. 15115 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" 15116% 15117What you don't know can hurt you, only you won't know it. 15118% 15119What's another word for Thesaurus? 15120 -- Steven Wright 15121% 15122 "What's that thing?" 15123 "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in 15124computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what 15125it does. We call it a two-by-four." 15126 -- Jeff MacNelley, "Shoe" 15127% 15128What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it? 15129 -- Dr. Who 15130% 15131Whatever became of eternal truth? 15132% 15133Whatever became of Strange de Jim? Well, he found a substitute for 15134cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your nostrils 15135as far as they will go. Then you sniff talcum powder while shredding 15136hundred dollar bills." 15137 -- Herb Caen 15138% 15139Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not 15140nailed down. 15141 -- Collis P. Huntingdon 15142% 15143Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not cockroaches! 15144 -- Mom 15145% 15146When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him -- that's where the 15147money is. 15148 -- Robespierre 15149% 15150When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the 15151thing," it's the money. 15152 -- Kim Hubbard 15153% 15154When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half 15155loop? 15156% 15157When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is 15158not far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space 15159travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere. 15160 -- Robert Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love" 15161% 15162When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see the 15163sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain 15164relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten. 15165 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" 15166% 15167When all other means of communication fail, try words. 15168% 15169When are you BUTTHEADS gonna learn that you can't oppose Gestapo 15170tactics *with* Gestapo tactics? 15171 -- Reuben Flagg 15172% 15173When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before 15174the white men came, an Indian said simply "Ours." 15175 -- Vine Deloria, Jr. 15176% 15177When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask? Well, last year, I 15178think it was a Tuesday. 15179% 15180When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to 15181guarantee them. 15182% 15183When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great 15184parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if 15185I'm leaving. 15186 -- Steven Wright 15187% 15188When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a 15189year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire 15190winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer. 15191 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" 15192% 15193When I said "we", officer, I was referring to myself, the four young 15194ladies, and, of course, the goat. 15195% 15196When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now 15197I'm beginning to believe it. 15198 -- Clarence Darrow 15199% 15200When I was a kid I said to my father one afternoon, "Daddy, will you 15201take me to the zoo?" He answered, "If the zoo wants you let them come 15202and get you." 15203 -- Jerry Lewis 15204% 15205When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any 15206firearms with me. I said, `Well, what do you need?' 15207 -- Steven Wright 15208% 15209When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into 15210the soul of the boy sitting next to me. 15211 -- Woody Allen 15212% 15213When I was seven years old, I was once reprimanded by my mother for an 15214act of collective brutality in which I had been involved at school. A 15215group of seven-year-olds had been teasing and tormenting a 15216six-year-old. "It is always so," my mother said. "You do things 15217together which not one of you would think of doing alone." ... 15218Wherever one looks in the world of human organization, collective 15219responsibility brings a lowering of moral standards. The military 15220establishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems to have 15221been expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things 15222together which nobody in his right mind would do alone. 15223 -- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope" 15224% 15225When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened 15226or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I 15227cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to 15228go to pieces like this but we all have to do it. 15229 -- Mark Twain 15230% 15231When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess. 15232% 15233When in doubt, tell the truth. 15234 -- Mark Twain 15235% 15236When in doubt, use brute force. 15237 -- Ken Thompson 15238% 15239When in panic, fear and doubt, 15240Drink in barrels, eat, and shout. 15241% 15242When love is gone, there's always justice. 15243And when justice is gone, there's always force. 15244And when force is gone, there's always Mom. 15245Hi, Mom! 15246 -- Laurie Anderson 15247% 15248When Marriage is Outlawed, 15249Only Outlaws will have Inlaws. 15250% 15251When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment 15252results. 15253 -- Calvin Coolidge 15254% 15255When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony 15256concerts, she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years -- 15257and I find I mind it less and less." 15258 -- Louise Andrews Kent 15259% 15260When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: 15261for every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when 15262your boss is away and you get twice as much done. 15263 -- Daniel B. Luten 15264% 15265When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only 15266say what I wish done," give him a lollipop. 15267% 15268When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical. 15269 -- Jon Carroll 15270% 15271When the government bureau's remedies don't match your problem, you 15272modify the problem, not the remedy. 15273% 15274When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies, 15275the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a 15276nose bleed, which usually cures them of ____that. 15277 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 15278% 15279When the speaker and he to whom he is speaks do not understand, that is 15280metaphysics. 15281 -- Voltaire 15282% 15283When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the 15284stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them 15285from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones 15286were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the 15287corners as bodies of a lower grade ... 15288 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 15289% 15290When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the 15291plane will fly. 15292 -- Donald Douglas 15293% 15294When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most 15295insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are 15296required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and 15297exhausting condition continuously until death do them part. 15298 -- George Bernard Shaw 15299% 15300When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is 15301not hereditary. 15302 -- Thomas Paine 15303% 15304When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be as before -- 15305except our fingertips will have been singed. 15306 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 15307% 15308When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of 15309investigation of a topic, it is well to have the answer firmly in hand, 15310so that you can proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or 15311swayed, directly to the goal. 15312 -- Amrom Katz 15313% 15314When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut. 15315% 15316When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly. 15317% 15318When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship. 15319 -- Harry Truman 15320% 15321 When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure 15322clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite answer 15323to a definite problem. For better or worse you have acted decisively. 15324 In a way, the next move is up to him. 15325 -- R. A. Lafferty 15326% 15327When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite." 15328 -- Winston Churchill, On formal declarations of war 15329% 15330When you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by 15331asking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don't 15332know the answer either. 15333 -- Edgar R. Fiedler 15334% 15335When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers. 15336 -- The Wall Street Journal 15337% 15338When you try to make an impression, the chances are that is the 15339impression you will make. 15340% 15341When you're away, I'm restless, lonely, 15342Wretched, bored, dejected; only 15343Here's the rub, my darling dear 15344I feel the same when you are near. 15345 -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "When You're Away" 15346% 15347When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN. 15348% 15349Whenever anyone says, "theoretically", they really mean, "not really". 15350 -- Dave Parnas 15351% 15352Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to 15353see it tried on him personally. 15354 -- A. Lincoln 15355% 15356Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. 15357 -- Oscar Wilde 15358% 15359Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last 15360you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his 15361Atlantic with his verb in his mouth. 15362 -- Mark Twain 15363 "Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court" 15364% 15365Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time 15366to reform. 15367 -- Mark Twain 15368% 15369WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE 15370 15371 Oh, dear, where can the matter be 15372 When it's converted to energy? 15373 There is a slight loss of parity. 15374 Johnny's so long at the fair. 15375% 15376Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what 15377is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will. 15378 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 15379% 15380Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax. 15381% 15382Whether you can hear it or not 15383The Universe is laughing behind your back 15384 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 15385% 15386Which is worse: ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares? 15387% 15388While anyone can admit to themselves they were wrong, the true test is 15389admission to someone else. 15390% 15391While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things, 15392The fate of empires and the fall of kings; 15393While quacks of State must each produce his plan, 15394And even children lisp the Rights of Man; 15395Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention, 15396The Rights of Woman merit some attention. 15397 -- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman", 15398 November 26, 1792 15399% 15400While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several. 15401% 15402While it may be true that a watched pot never boils, the one you don't 15403keep an eye on can make an awful mess of your stove. 15404 -- Edward Stevenson 15405% 15406While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own 15407form of misery. 15408% 15409While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position. 15410% 15411While most peoples' opinions change, the conviction of their 15412correctness never does. 15413% 15414While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's still very 15415reassuring to know that it's still there. 15416% 15417While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are 15418safe, for you can watch both of his. 15419 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 15420% 15421Whistler's Law: 15422 You never know who is right, but you always know who is in 15423charge. 15424% 15425Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with our new 15426Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process ... 15427% 15428Who made the world I cannot tell; 15429'Tis made, and here am I in hell. 15430My hand, though now my knuckles bleed, 15431I never soiled with such a deed. 15432 -- A. E. Housman 15433% 15434Who messed with my anti-paranoia shot? 15435% 15436Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink? 15437% 15438Who's on first? 15439% 15440Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school. 15441 -- George Ade 15442% 15443Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad. 15444% 15445Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising. 15446% 15447Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like `Amadeus'? I could 15448have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing. 15449 -- Ian Shoales 15450% 15451Why be a man when you can be a success? 15452 -- Berthold Brecht 15453% 15454Why bother building any more nuclear warheads until we use the ones we 15455have? 15456% 15457Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else? 15458% 15459Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to 15460avoid responsibility with? 15461% 15462Why did the Roman Empire collapse? 15463What is the Latin for office automation? 15464% 15465Why do we have two eyes? To watch 3-D movies with. 15466% 15467Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently 15468there must be a beverage. 15469 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 15470% 15471Why does New Jersey have more toxic waste dumps and California have 15472more lawyers? 15473 15474New Jersey had first choice. 15475% 15476Why don't elephants eat penguins ? 15477 15478Because they can't get the wrappers off ... 15479% 15480Why I Can't Go Out With You: 15481 15482I'd LOVE to, but ... 15483 -- I have to floss my cat. 15484 -- I've dedicated my life to linguini. 15485 -- I need to spend more time with my blender. 15486 -- it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People. 15487 -- it's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish. 15488 -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves. 15489 -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products. 15490 -- I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise. 15491 -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist. 15492 -- I have some really hard words to look up. 15493 -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting. 15494 -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps. 15495% 15496Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is 15497because we are not the person involved 15498 -- Mark Twain 15499% 15500Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? 15501% 15502Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet? 15503 -- Lily Tomlin 15504% 15505Why must you tell me all your secrets when it's hard enough to love 15506you knowing nothing? 15507 -- Lloyd Cole and the Commotions 15508% 15509Why not have an old-fashioned Christmas for your family this year? 15510Just picture the scene in your living room on Christmas morning as your 15511children open their old-fashioned presents. 15512 15513Your 11-year-old son: "What the heck is this?" 15514 15515You: "A spinning top! You spin it around, and then eventually it 15516 falls down. What fun! Ha, ha!" 15517 15518Son: "Is this a joke? Jason Thompson's parents got him a computer 15519 with two disk drives and 128 kilobytes of random-access memory, 15520 and I get this cretin TOP?" 15521 15522Your 8-year-old daughter: "You think that's bad? Look at this." 15523 15524You: "It's figgy pudding! What a treat!" 15525 15526Daughter: "It looks like goat barf." 15527 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" 15528% 15529Why was I born with such contemporaries? 15530 -- Oscar Wilde 15531% 15532Why You Can't Run When There's Trouble in the Office: 15533 No matter where you stand, no matter how far or fast you flee, 15534when it hits the fan, as much as possible will be propelled in your 15535direction, and almost none will be returned to the source. 15536 -- John L. Shelton 15537% 15538Wiker's Law: 15539 Government expands to absorb revenue and then some. 15540% 15541 William Safire's Rules for Writers: 15542 15543Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never 15544be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs have to 15545agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words 15546out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal 15547of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must 15548not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a 15549conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a 15550sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as 15551close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more 15552words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles 15553must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a 15554linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing 15555metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should 15556be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their 15557writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows 15558the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek 15559viable alternatives. 15560% 15561Williams and Holland's Law: 15562 If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by 15563statistical methods. 15564% 15565Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as 15566it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat. 15567% 15568Wit, n.: 15569 The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery 15570... by leaving it out. 15571 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 15572% 15573With a gentleman I try to be a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I 15574try to be a fraud and a half. 15575 -- Otto von Bismark 15576% 15577With a rubber duck, one's never alone. 15578 -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 15579% 15580With all the fancy scientists in the world, why can't they just once 15581build a nuclear balm? 15582% 15583With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand 15584miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and 15585still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no 15586such thing as progress. 15587 -- Ransom K. Ferm 15588% 15589With trembling hands he unfurled the ancient cracked parchment, 15590this was the place, it had to be. Uncertainly he began to mumble the 15591chant "rdbms, sql, third normal formal form, java, table, scalable". 15592Something moved... From outside they heard a scream and a thud. 15593The sales department had awoken. 15594% 15595Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless. 15596% 15597Wombat's Laws of Computer Selection: 15598 (1) If it doesn't run Unix, forget it. 15599 (2) Any computer design over 10 years old is obsolete. 15600 (3) Anything made by IBM is junk. (See number 2) 15601 (4) The minimum acceptable CPU power for a single user is a 15602 VAX/780 with a floating point accelerator. 15603 (5) Any computer with a mouse is worthless. 15604 -- Rich Kulawiec 15605% 15606Wood is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource. If 15607you cut down a tree, another will grow in its place. And if you cut 15608down the new tree, still another will grow. And if you cut down that 15609tree, yet another will grow, only this one will be a mutation with 15610long, poisonous tentacles and revenge in its heart, and it will sit 15611there in the forest, cackling and making elaborate plans for when you 15612come back. 15613 15614Wood heat is not new. It dates back to a day millions of years ago, 15615when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot. 15616Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire. One of the 15617cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: "Hey! Wood 15618heat!" The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately 15619beat him to death with stones. But the key discovery had been made, 15620and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed, 15621although their insurance rates went way up. 15622 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" 15623% 15624Work Rule: Leave of Absence (for an Operation): 15625 We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage 15626any thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you 15627should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, 15628and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we 15629bargained for. 15630% 15631Workers of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your chairs. 15632% 15633World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced 15634dress code! 15635% 15636Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing: 15637 August. The lines are the shortest, though. 15638 -- Steve Rubenstein 15639% 15640Worst Month of the Year: 15641 February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if 15642you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you don't 15643get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible. 15644 -- Steve Rubenstein 15645% 15646Worst Response To A Crisis, 1985: 15647 From a readers' Q and A column in TV GUIDE: "If we get involved 15648in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from exploding bombs 15649damage my videotapes?" 15650% 15651Worst Vegetable of the Year: 15652 The brussels sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next 15653year. 15654 -- Steve Rubenstein 15655% 15656"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?" 15657 15658"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat. 15659 -- Lewis Carroll 15660% 15661Wouldn't the sentence 'I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish 15662and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign' have been clearer 15663if quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and 15664and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and 15665and, and and and Chips, as well as after Chips? 15666% 15667Write-Protect Tab, n.: 15668 A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly 15669left by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error 15670message once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the 15671momentary inconvenience. 15672 -- Robb Russon 15673% 15674Writing about music is like dancing about architecture. 15675 -- Frank Zappa 15676% 15677"Wrong," said Renner. 15678 15679"The tactful way," Rod said quietly, "the polite way to disagree with 15680the Senator would be to say, `That turns out not to be the case.'" 15681% 15682X-rated movies are all alike -- the only thing they leave to the 15683imagination is the plot. 15684% 15685Xerox does it again and again and again and ... 15686% 15687Xerox never comes up with anything original. 15688% 15689XIIdigitation, n.: 15690 The practice of trying to determine the year a movie was made 15691by deciphering the Roman numerals at the end of the credits. 15692 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 15693% 15694"Yacc" owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have 15695goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in 15696their endless search for "one more feature". Their irritating 15697unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my 15698doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right. 15699 -- Stephen C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgements" 15700% 15701Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of APL, I shall 15702fear no evil, for I can string six primitive monadic and dyadic 15703operators together. 15704 -- Steve Higgins 15705% 15706Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context. 15707% 15708Year, n.: 15709 A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments. 15710 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 15711% 15712Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache. 15713% 15714Yes, but which self do you want to be? 15715% 15716Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. 15717Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. 15718Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement. 15719 -- Snoopy 15720% 15721Yesterday upon the stair 15722I met a man who wasn't there. 15723He wasn't there again today -- 15724I think he's from the CIA. 15725% 15726Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again. 15727 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 15728% 15729Yinkel, n.: 15730 A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one 15731will notice. 15732 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 15733% 15734You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are. 15735% 15736You are here: 15737 *** 15738 *** 15739 ********* 15740 ******* 15741 ***** 15742 *** 15743 * 15744 15745 But you're not all there. 15746% 15747"You are old, Father William," the young man said, 15748 "All your papers these days look the same; 15749Those William's would be better unread -- 15750 Do these facts never fill you with shame?" 15751 15752"In my youth," Father William replied to his son, 15753 "I wrote wonderful papers galore; 15754But the great reputation I found that I'd won, 15755 Made it pointless to think any more." 15756% 15757"You are old, father William," the young man said, 15758 "And your hair has become very white; 15759And yet you incessantly stand on your head -- 15760 Do you think, at your age, it is right?" 15761 15762"In my youth," father William replied to his son, 15763 "I feared it might injure the brain; 15764But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none, 15765 Why, I do it again and again." 15766 -- Lewis Carroll 15767% 15768"You are old," said the youth, "and I'm told by my peers 15769 That your lectures bore people to death. 15770Yet you talk at one hundred conventions per year -- 15771 Don't you think that you should save your breath?" 15772 15773"I have answered three questions and that is enough," 15774 Said his father, "Don't give yourself airs! 15775Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? 15776 Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!" 15777% 15778"You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak 15779 For anything tougher than suet; 15780Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak -- 15781 Pray, how did you manage to do it?" 15782 15783"In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law, 15784 And argued each case with my wife; 15785And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw, 15786 Has lasted the rest of my life." 15787 -- Lewis Carroll 15788% 15789"You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run, 15790 And there isn't one language you like; 15791Yet of useful suggestions for help you have none -- 15792 Have you thought about taking a hike?" 15793 15794"Since I never write programs," his father replied, 15795 "Every language looks equally bad; 15796Yet the people keep paying to read all my books 15797 And don't realize that they've been had." 15798% 15799"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before, 15800 And have grown most uncommonly fat; 15801Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door -- 15802 Pray what is the reason of that?" 15803 15804"In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks, 15805 "I kept all my limbs very supple 15806By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box -- 15807 Allow me to sell you a couple?" 15808 -- Lewis Carroll 15809% 15810"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before, 15811 And make errors few people could bear; 15812You complain about everyone's English but yours -- 15813 Do you really think this is quite fair?" 15814 15815"I make lots of mistakes," Father William declared, 15816 "But my stature these days is so great 15817That no critic can hurt me -- I've got them all scared, 15818 And to stop me it's now far too late." 15819% 15820"You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose 15821 That your eye was as steady as ever; 15822Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose -- 15823 What made you so awfully clever?" 15824 15825"I have answered three questions, and that is enough," 15826 Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs! 15827Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? 15828 Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!" 15829 -- Lewis Carroll 15830% 15831You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. 15832% 15833You are the only person to ever get this message. 15834% 15835You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading 15836this sort of trash. 15837% 15838You buttered your bread, now lie in it! 15839% 15840You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting 15841incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail. 15842Fruitcakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable 15843to find a way to damage them. They last forever, largely because 15844nobody ever eats them. In fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes 15845they receive and send them back to the original givers the next year; 15846some fruitcakes have been passed back and forth for hundreds of years. 15847 15848The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then 15849pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear 15850safety glasses. 15851 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" 15852% 15853You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it 15854doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on. 15855 -- Hepler, Systems Design 182 15856% 15857You can create your own opportunities this week. 15858Blackmail a senior executive. 15859% 15860You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them. 15861Why do you find that funny? 15862 -- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350, University of Washington 15863% 15864You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you 15865can with just a kind word. 15866 -- Bumper Sticker 15867% 15868You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, 15869for instance. 15870 -- Franklin P. Jones 15871% 15872You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular. 15873% 15874You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on 15875the continuing viability of FORTRAN. 15876 -- Alan Perlis 15877% 15878You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. 15879% 15880You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding 15881decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left 15882over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart. 15883 -- F. Allen 15884% 15885You can tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the language of 15886supercomputers. 15887 -- Steven Feiner 15888% 15889You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish. 15890% 15891You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename. 15892 -- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454 15893% 15894You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks. 15895% 15896You can't have everything. Where would you put it? 15897 -- Steven Wright 15898% 15899You can't hold a man down without staying down with him. 15900 -- Booker T. Washington 15901% 15902You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair. 15903% 15904You can't make a program without broken egos. 15905% 15906You can't start worrying about what's going to happen. You get spastic 15907enough worrying about what's happening now. 15908 -- Lauren Bacall 15909% 15910You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten. 15911 -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and 15912 Over and Over" 15913% 15914You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they don't. 15915 -- Dagwood Bumstead 15916% 15917You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd. 15918% 15919You cannot kill time without injuring eternity. 15920% 15921You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back. 15922% 15923You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first 15924and last month in advance. 15925% 15926You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable 15927doubt. 15928 -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict 15929% 15930You do not have mail. 15931% 15932You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers. 15933 -- J. D. Salinger 15934% 15935You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting 15936needles. 15937 -- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food 15938% 15939You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form. 15940The short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified", 15941which means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears 15942tax-preparation expert to distinguish between their first and last 15943names. Here's the complete text: 15944 15945 "(1) How much did you make? (AMOUNT) 15946 "(2) How much did we here at the government take out? (AMOUNT) 15947 "(3) Hey! Sounds like we took too much! So we're going to 15948 send an official government check for (ONE-FIFTEENTH OF 15949 THE AMOUNT WE TOOK) directly to the (YOUR LAST NAME) 15950 household at (YOUR ADDRESS), for you to spend in any way 15951 you please! Which just goes to show you, (YOUR FIRST 15952 NAME), that it pays to file the short form!" 15953 15954The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your 15955money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long 15956form. 15957 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" 15958% 15959You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers. 15960% 15961You have acquired a scroll entitled 'irk gleknow mizk'(n).--More-- 15962 15963This is an IBM Manual scroll.--More-- 15964 15965You are permanently confused. 15966 -- Dave Decot 15967% 15968You have an unusual magnetic personality. Don't walk too close to 15969metal objects which are not fastened down. 15970% 15971You have junk mail. 15972% 15973You have the body of a 19 year old. Please return it before it gets 15974wrinkled. 15975% 15976You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot today. 15977% 15978You know it's going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothes 15979you wore home from the party and there aren't any. 15980% 15981You know the great thing about TV? If something important happens 15982anywhere at all in the world, no matter what time of the day or night, 15983you can always change the channel. 15984 -- Jim Ignatowski 15985% 15986You know you have a small apartment when Rice Krispies echo. 15987 -- S. Rickly Christian 15988% 15989You know you're a little fat if you have stretch marks on your car. 15990 -- Cyrus, Chicago Reader 1/22/82 15991% 15992You know you've been spending too much time on the computer when your 15993friend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it. 15994% 15995You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi. 15996% 15997 "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon 15998airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in 15999deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me 16000when I was young!" 16001 "Why, what did she tell you?" 16002 "I don't know, I didn't listen!" 16003 -- Douglas Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 16004% 16005You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled. 16006% 16007You may be recognized soon. Hide. 16008% 16009You may be sure that when a man begins to call himself a "realist," he 16010is preparing to do something he is secretly ashamed of doing. 16011 -- Sydney Harris 16012% 16013You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue -- agree with 16014him. 16015 -- Ed Howe 16016% 16017You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog. 16018 -- Alfred Kahn 16019% 16020You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for 16021success. You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits 16022or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume 16023party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World. 16024 -- Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success" 16025% 16026You might have mail. 16027% 16028You might have had mail. 16029% 16030You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable 16031proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do. 16032% 16033You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you'll 16034be dead. 16035% 16036You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a 16037reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating 16038the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for 16039independence. 16040 -- Charles A. Beard 16041% 16042You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the 16043beach. 16044% 16045You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were 16046you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare 16047yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the 16048company. 16049 -- J. Wellington Wells 16050% 16051You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained. 16052% 16053You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could 16054know how seldom they do. 16055 -- Olin Miller. 16056% 16057You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially 16058if they are dead. 16059% 16060You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than 16061about 10^12 to 1. 16062 -- Ernest Rutherford 16063% 16064You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for 16065freedom and liberty. 16066 -- Henrik Ibsen 16067% 16068You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that, 16069contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from 16070houses. Really, that's what scientists believe. In fact many 16071scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the 16072summer. If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day, 16073you'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist 16074sitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily. 16075 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" 16076% 16077You should tip the waiter $10, minus $2 if he tells you his name, 16078another $2 if he claims it will be His Pleasure to serve you and 16079another $2 for each "special" he describes involving confusing terms 16080such as "shallots," and $4 if the menu contains the word "fixin's." In 16081many restaurants, this means the waiter will actually owe you money. 16082If you are traveling with a child aged six months to three years, you 16083should leave an additional amount equal to twice the bill to compensate 16084for the fact that they will have to take the banquette out and burn it 16085because the cracks are wedged solid with gobbets made of partially 16086chewed former restaurant rolls saturated with baby spit. 16087 16088In New York, tip the taxicab driver $40 if he does not mention his 16089hemorrhoids. 16090 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" 16091% 16092You should, without hesitation, pound your typewriter into a 16093plowshare, your paper into fertilizer, and enter agriculture. 16094 -- Business Professor, University of Georgia 16095% 16096You think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother. 16097% 16098 YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF 16099 PAPER SHUFFLING! 16100 16101Mr. TAA of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be 16102a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel 16103really important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best." 16104 16105Mr. MARC had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward 16106to was a dead-end job as a engineer. Now I have a promising future and 16107make really big Zorkmids." 16108 16109MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when 16110you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter. 16111 16112 SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY! 16113% 16114You too can wear a nose mitten. 16115% 16116You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old. 16117% 16118You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of 16119a lion, and the face of Donald Duck. 16120% 16121You will be surprised by a loud noise. 16122% 16123You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself. 16124% 16125You will feel hungry again in another hour. 16126% 16127You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door 16128mayonnaise salesman. 16129% 16130 You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the 16131Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the 16132parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day. 16133 -- Sherlock Holmes 16134% 16135You will think of something funnier than this to add to the fortunes. 16136% 16137You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You're not paid enough to 16138worry. 16139% 16140You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a 16141taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a 16142minute and a huff. 16143 -- Groucho Marx 16144% 16145You'll never be the man your mother was! 16146% 16147You're at the end of the road again. 16148% 16149You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days. 16150% 16151You're never too old to become younger. 16152 -- Mae West 16153% 16154You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. 16155 -- Dean Martin 16156% 16157You're not my type. For that matter, you're not even my species!!! 16158% 16159You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture. 16160% 16161You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks. 16162 -- Gary Giddens 16163% 16164"You've got to think about tomorrow!" 16165 16166"TOMORROW! I haven't even prepared for *_________yesterday* yet!" 16167% 16168Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a 16169thing he tells you. 16170% 16171Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you 16172from enjoying it. 16173% 16174Your fault: core dumped 16175% 16176 Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that 16177bring electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a 16178chance to kill you. This is called a "circuit". The most common home 16179electrical problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit 16180breaker"; this causes the electricity to back up in one of the wires 16181until it bursts out of an outlet in the form of sparks, which can 16182damage your carpet. The best way to avoid broken circuits is to change 16183your fuses regularly. 16184 Another common problem is that the lights flicker. This 16185sometimes means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more 16186often it means that your home is possessed by demons, in which case 16187you'll need to get a caulking gun and some caulking. If you're not 16188sure whether your house is possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a 16189fine documentary film based on an actual book. Or call in a licensed 16190electrician, who is trained to spot the signs of demonic possession, 16191such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous cats on the dinette 16192table, etc. 16193 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 16194% 16195Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret. 16196% 16197Your lucky color has faded. 16198% 16199Your lucky number has been disconnected. 16200% 16201Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere. 16202% 16203Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with. 16204% 16205Yow! Am I having fun yet? 16206 -- Zippy the Pinhead 16207% 16208YOW!! Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL! 16209% 16210Zero Defects, n.: 16211 The result of shutting down a production line. 16212% 16213Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words 16214since I first called my brother's father dad. 16215 -- William Shakespeare, "King John" 16216% 16217Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor: 16218 People are always available for work in the past tense. 16219% 16220 THE LAST BUG 16221 16222"But you're out of your mind," It still wasn't perfect, 16223They said with a shrug. As year followed year, 16224"The customer's happy; And strangers would comment, 16225What's one little bug?" "Is that guy still here?" 16226 16227But he was determined. He died at the console, 16228The others went home. Of hunger and thirst. 16229He spread out the program, Next day he was buried, 16230Deserted, alone. Face down, nine-edge first. 16231 16232The cleaning men came, And the last bug in sight, 16233The whole room was cluttered An ant passing by, 16234With memory-dumps, punch cards. Saluted his tombstone, 16235"I'm close," he muttered. And whispered, "Nice try." 16236 16237The mumbling got louder, 16238Simple deduction, 16239"I've got it, it's right, 16240Just change one instruction." 16241% 16242Speaking of the philosophy involved in moving humanity into space: 16243 16244Furniture will be a largely obsolete concept. Take for example the dresser my 16245mom bought for me when I was a kid. I still have it, and by the standards of 16246its era, it's an admirable household fixture. It is a massive construction of 16247maple wood, expertly joined with cunningly fit pieces, fitted and glued with 16248the strength of iron. It is set with massive brass fixtures, and looks today 16249-- discounting the dust -- as new as the day it was purchased, a quarter 16250century ago. So far, so good; a fine piece of furniture, you might say. But 16251let's look at it objectively, as a machine, as an object with a purpose. Here 16252sit a hundred pounds of hardwood with a compressive strength of 1500 psi, 16253jointed by an expert craftsman into a rigid box that would easily support a 16254bull elephant. And what is the sole purpose of this massive crate, this 16255monument to a dead tree? -- it holds my socks. 16256 16257Not only is it blind engineering overkill of epic proportions, it is also an 16258environmental disaster. The home to generations of squirrels, a sentinel post 16259for falcons, an autumnal banner of golden glory, a living creature, was chopped 16260down to enshrine some underwear. This, my friends, is no way to run a planet. 16261 -- Marshall T. Savage, from The Millennial Project: 16262 Colonizing the Galaxy -- In Eight Easy Steps 16263% 16264Nearly every software professional has heard the term spaghetti code as a 16265pejorative description for complicated, difficult to understand, and impossible 16266to maintain, software. However, many people may not know the other two 16267elements of the complete Pasta Theory of Software. 16268 16269Lasagna code is used to describe software that has a simple, understandable, 16270and layered structure. Lasagna code, although structured, is unfortunately 16271monolithic and not easy to modify. An attempt to change one layer conceptually 16272simple, is often very difficult in actual practice. 16273 16274The ideal software structure is one having components that are small and 16275loosely coupled; this ideal structure is called ravioli code. In ravioli 16276code, each of the components, or objects, is a package containing some meat 16277or other nourishment for the system; any component can be modified or replaced 16278without significantly affecting other components. 16279 16280We need to go beyond the condemnation of spaghetti code to the active 16281encouragement of ravioli code. 16282 -- Raymond J. Rubey, in a letter to the editor of Crosstalk 16283 magazine 16284% 1628563,000 bugs in the code, 63,000 bugs, 16286ya get 1 whacked with a service pack, 16287now there's 63,005 bugs in the code!! 16288