1A bad little girl in Madrid, 2A most reprehensible kid, 3 Told her Tante Louise 4 That her cunt smelled like cheese, 5And the worst of it was that it did! 6% 7A bather whose clothing was strewed 8By breezes that left her quite nude, 9 Saw a man come along 10 And, unless I'm quite wrong, 11You expected this line to be lewd. 12% 13A beat schizophrenic said, "Me? 14I am not I, I'm a tree." 15 But another, more sane, 16 Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!" 17And covered his pants leg with pee. 18% 19A beautiful belle of Del Norte 20Is reckoned disdainful and haughrty 21 Because during the day 22 She says: "Boys, keep away!" 23But she fucks in the gloaming like forty. 24% 25A beautiful lady named Psyche 26Is loved by a fellow named Ikey. 27 One thing about Ike 28 The lady can't like 29Is his prick, which is dreadfully spikey. 30% 31A beetling young woman named Pridgets 32Had a violent abhorrence of midgets; 33 Off the end of a wharf 34 She once pushed a dwarf 35Whose truncation reduced her to fidgets. 36 -- Edward Gorey 37% 38A big-bosomed Bunny named Gression 39Sold cigars at a key-club concession. 40 When she swiveled about 41 Even strong men cried out, 42For her costume did not keep her flesh in. 43% 44A bobby of Nottingham Junction 45Whose organ had long ceased to function 46 Deceived his good wife 47 For the rest of her life 48With the aid of his constable's truncheon. 49% 50A broken-down harlot named Tupps 51Was heard to confess in her cups: 52 "The height of my folly 53 Was diddling a collie- 54But I got a nice price for the pups." 55% 56A broken-down harlot named Tupps 57Was heard to confess in her cups: 58 "The height of my folly 59 Was fucking a collie -- 60But I got a nice price for the pups." 61% 62A burleyque dancer, a pip 63Named Virginia, could peel in a zip; 64 But she read science fiction 65 And died of constriction 66Attempting a Moebius strip. 67 -- Cyril Kornbluth, "The Unfortunate Topology" 68% 69A busy young lady named Gloria 70Was had by Sir Gerald du Maurier 71 And then by six men, 72 Sir Gerald again, 73And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria. 74% 75A cabin boy on an old clipper 76Grew steadily flipper and flipper. 77 He plugged up his ass 78 With fragments of glass 79And thus circumcised his old skipper. 80% 81A cautious young fellow named Lodge 82Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge. 83 When his date was strapped in, 84 He committed a sin, 85Without even leaving his grodge. 86% 87A cautious young fellow named Lodge, 88Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge. 89 With his date all strapped in 90 He committed a sin 91Without even leaving the garage. 92 -- "A Boy and His Dog" 93% 94A cautious young fellow named Tunney 95Had a whang that was worth any money. 96 When eased in half-way, 97 The girl's sigh made him say, 98"Why the sigh?" "For the rest of it, honey." 99% 100A certain young man, it was noted, 101Went about in the heat thickly-coated; 102 He said, "You may scoff, 103 But I shan't take it off; 104Underneath I am horribly bloated." 105 -- Edward Gorey 106% 107A certain young person of Ghent, 108Uncertain if lady or gent, 109 Shows his organs at large 110 For a small handling charge 111To assist him in paying the rent. 112% 113A certain young sheik of Algiers 114Said to his harem, "My dears, 115 Though you may think it odd of me, 116 I'm tired of just sodomy 117Let's try straight fucking." (loud cheers!) 118% 119A chap down in Oklahoma 120Had a cock that could sing La Paloma, 121 But the sweetness of pitch 122 Couldn't put off the hitch 123Of impotence, size and aroma. 124% 125A charmer from old Amarillo, 126Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow, 127 Decided one day 128 That to keep men away 129She would stuff up her crevice with Brillo. 130% 131A chippy who worked in Black Bluff 132Had a pussy as large as a muff. 133 It had room for both hands 134 And some intimate glands, 135And was soft as a little duck's fluff. 136% 137A clerical student named Pryne 138Through pain sought to reach the divine: 139 He wore a hair shirt, 140 Quite often ate dirt, 141And bathed every Friday in brine. 142 -- Edward Gorey 143% 144A clever young man named Eugene 145Invented a jack-off machine. 146 On the twenty-third stroke 147 The fuckin' thing broke 148And beat both his balls to a creame. 149% 150A clever young man named Eugene 151Invented a jack-off machine. 152 On the twenty-third stroke 153 The goddam thing broke 154And beat both his balls to a creame. 155% 156A cocksucking steno named Beeman 157Remarked as she swallowed my semen : 158 "On my minuscule salary 159 I must watch every calorie, 160So I get `ahead' eating you he-men!" 161% 162A contortionist hailing from Lynch 163Used to rent out his tool by the inch. 164 A foot cost a quid -- 165 He could and he did 166Stretch it to three in a pinch. 167% 168A corpulent maiden named Kroll 169Had a notion exceedingly droll: 170 At a masquerade ball, 171 Dressed in nothing at all, 172She backed in as a Parker House roll. 173% 174A couple was fishing near Clombe 175When the maid began looking quite glum, 176 And said, "Bother the fish! 177 I'd rather coish!" 178Which they did -- which was why they had come. 179% 180A cowhand way out in Seattle 181Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle. 182 He said, "No, I can't fuck 183 A lamb or a duck, 184But golly! it just fits the cattle." 185% 186A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison 187And had an affair with a Saracen. 188 She was not oversexed, 189 Or jealous or vexed, 190She just wanted to make a comparison. 191% 192A CS student named Lin 193Had a prick the size of a pin 194 It was no good for girls 195 But just great for squirrels 196Who squealed with delight with it in. 197% 198A cute little twerp from Samoa 199Had a cock of one inch and no moa. 200 It was good for keyholes 201 And debutantes' peeholes 202But not worth a damn on a whoa. 203% 204A daredevil skater named Lowe, 205Leaps barrels arranged in the snow, 206 But is proudest of doing, 207 Some incredible screwing, 208Since he's jumped thirteen girls in a row! 209% 210A deep-throated virgin named Netty 211Was sucking a cock on the jetty. 212 She said, "It tastes nice, 213 Much better than rice, 214Though not quite as good as spaghetti." 215% 216A delighted, incredulous bride 217Remarked to her groom at her side : 218 "I never could quite 219 Believe till tonight 220Our anatomies would coincide." 221% 222A dentist, young doctor Malone, 223Got a charming girl patient alone, 224 And, in his depravity, 225 Filled the wrong cavity. 226God, how his practice has grown. 227% 228A despairing old landlord named Fyfe, 229With a frigid and quarrelsome wife, 230 Let his third-story front, 231 To a willing young cunt, 232Who supplied him a new lease on life! 233% 234A desperate spinster from Clare 235Once knelt in the moonlight all bare, 236 And prayed to her God 237 For a romp on the sod-- 238'Twas a passerby answered her prayer. 239% 240A distinguished professor from Swarthmore 241Got along with a sexy young sophomore. 242 As quick as a glance 243 He stripped off his pants, 244But he found that the sophomore'd got off more. 245% 246A doctoral student from Buckingham 247Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em. 248 But a dropout from paree 249 Taught him Gamahuchee 250- so he added a footnote on sucking 'em. 251% 252A doctoral student from Buckingham 253Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em. 254 But a dropout from paree 255 Taught him Gamahuchee 256So he added a footnote on sucking 'em. 257% 258A do-it-yourselfer named Alice, 259Used a dynamite stick for a phallus. 260 She blew her vagina 261 To South Carolina, 262And her tits landed somewhere in Dallas. 263 264A cute friend of hers, Fanny Hill, 265Used two dynamite sticks for a dil. 266 They found her vagina, 267 In South Carolina, 268And part of her ass in Brazil. 269% 270A dolly in Dallas named Alice, 271Whose overworked sex is all callous, 272 Wore the foreskin away 273 On uncircumcised Ray, 274Through exuberance, tightness, and malice. 275% 276A dulcet-voiced callgirl named Shedd, 277Who's cultured, well-spoken, well-bred, 278 Had achieved some reknown 279 For her tone going down-- 280There's a nice civil tongue in her head. 281% 282A fair-haired young damsel named Grace 283Thought it very, very foolish to place 284 Her hand on your cock 285 When it turned hard as rock, 286For fear it would explode in your face. 287% 288A farmer I know named O'Doole 289Had a long and incredible tool. 290 He can use it to plow, 291 Or to diddle a cow, 292Or just as a cue-stick at pool. 293% 294A fellatrix's healthful condition 295Proved the value of spunk as nutrition. 296 Her remarkable diet 297 (I suggest that you try it) 298Was only her clients' emission. 299% 300A fellow whose surname was Hunt 301Trained his cock to perform a slick stunt: 302 This versatile spout 303 Could be turned inside out, 304Like a glove, and be used as a cunt. 305% 306A fisherman off of Cape Cod 307Said, "I'll bugger that tuna, by God!" 308 But the high-minded fish 309 Resented his wish, 310And nimbly swam off with his rod. 311% 312A foolish geologist from Kissen 313Just didn't know what he was missin', 314 By studying rock 315 And neglecting his cock, 316And using it merely for pissin'. 317% 318A Frenchman who lived in Alsace 319Had sex with a virgin named Grace. 320 When he popped her cherry, 321 She made things hairy 322By bleeding all over his face. 323% 324A frustrated lady named Alice 325Used a dynamite stick for a phallus. 326 They found her vagina 327 In North Carolina 328And bits of her tits were in Dallas. 329% 330A gay young prince from Morocco 331Made love in a manner rococco. 332 He painted his penis 333 To resemble a venus 334And flavored his semen with cocoa. 335% 336A geneticist living in Delft 337Scientifically played with himself, 338 And when he was done 339 He labled it: son, 340And filed him away on a shelf. 341% 342A geneticist living in Delft 343Scientifically played with himself, 344 And when he was done 345 He labled it: son, 346And filed him away on a shelf. 347A gentleman, otherwise meek, 348Detested with passion the leek; 349 When offered one out 350 He dealt such a clout 351To the maid, she was down for a week. 352 -- Edward Gorey 353% 354A gentleman, otherwise meek, 355Detested with passion the leek; 356 When offered one out 357 He dealt such a clout 358To the maid, she was down for a week. 359 -- Edward Gorey 360% 361A german composer named Bruckner 362Remarked to a lady while fuckener : 363 "Less lento, my dear, 364 With your cute little rear; 365I like a hot presto when muckener!" 366% 367A gift was delivered to Laura 368From a cousin who lived in Gomorrah; 369 Wrapped in tissue and crepe, 370 It was peeled, like a grape, 371And emitted a pale, greenish aura. 372 -- Edward Gorey 373% 374A gifted young fellow from Sparta 375Was widely renowned as a farta'. 376 He could fart anything 377 From "Of Thee I Sing," 378To Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata." 379% 380A girl camper once had an affair 381With a fellow all covered with hair. 382 When she gave him his hat 383 She realized that 384She'd been had by Smokey the Bear. 385% 386A girl of the Enterprise crew 387Refused every offer to screw. 388 But a Vulcan named Spock 389 Crawled under her smock, 390And now she is eating for two. 391% 392A girl of uncertain nativity 393Had an ass of extreme sensitivity 394 While she sat on the lap 395 Of a German or Jap, 396She could sense Fifth Column activity. 397% 398A graduate student named Zac 399Was said to be great in the sack. 400 An inch of his boner 401 Put girls in a coma 402And two gave them epileptic attacks. 403% 404A graduate student named Zac 405Was said to be great in the sack. 406 An inch of his boner 407 Put girls in a coma 408And two gave them epileptic attacks. 409% 410A greedy young lady from Sidney 411Liked it in up to her kidney, 412 Till a man from Quebec 413 Shoved it up to her neck-- 414He really diddled her, didn' he? 415% 416A green-thumbed young farmer from Leeds 417Once swallowed a package of seeds. 418 In a month, his ass 419 Was covered with grass 420And his balls were grown over with weeds. 421% 422A guest in a household quite charmless 423Was informed its eccentric was harmless: 424 "If you're caught unawares 425 At the head of the stairs, 426Just remember, he's eyeless and armless." 427 -- Edward Gorey 428% 429A habit depraved and unsavory 430Held the bishop of Bingham in slavery 431 Midst screeches and howls 432 He deflowered young owls 433Which he kept in an underground aviary 434% 435A habit obscene and bizarre, 436Has taken a-hold of papa. 437 He brings home young camels 438 And other odd mammals, 439And gives them a go at mama. 440% 441A habit obscene and unsavory, 442Holds a CS professor in slavery. 443 With maniacal howls, 444 He deflowers young owls, 445That he keeps in an underground aviary. 446% 447A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk 448Made love to the drive of his disk. 449 The thing circumsized him, 450 Which rather suprised him. 451He wasn't aware of *that* risk. 452% 453A handsome young rodent named Gratian 454As a lifeguard became a sensation. 455 All the lady mice waved 456 And screamed to be saved 457By his mouse-to-mouse resuscitation. 458% 459A happy old hooker named Grace 460Once sponsored a cunt-lapping race. 461 It was hard for beginners 462 To tell who were winners : 463There were cunt hairs all over the place. 464% 465A hardware debugger named Court 466Shoved his tool in an Ethernet port. 467 But its buffer array 468 Only handled 1K, 469So the port's driver cut it off short. 470% 471A haughty young wench of Del Norte 472Would fuck only men over forty. 473 Said she, "It's too quick 474 With a young fellow's prick; 475I like it to last, and be warty." 476% 477A headstrong young woman in Ealing 478Threw her two weeks' old child at the ceiling; 479 When quizzed why she did, 480 She replied, "To be rid 481Of a strange, overpowering feeling." 482 -- Edward Gorey 483% 484A hearty young fellow named Yost 485Once had an affair with a ghost. 486 At the height of the spasm 487 The poor ectoplasm 488Cried, "Goodie, I feel it ... almost." 489% 490A hearty young fellow named Yost 491Once had an affair with a ghost. 492 At the height of the spasm 493 The poor ectoplasm 494Cried, "Goodie, I feel it... almost." 495% 496A hidebound young virgin named Carrie 497Would say, when the fellows got hairy : 498 "Keep your prick in your pants 499 Till the end of this dance--" 500Which is why Carrie still has her cherry. 501% 502A highly aesthetic young Jew 503Had eyes of a heavenly blue; 504 The end of his dillie 505 Was shaped like a lilly, 506And his balls were too utterly two! 507% 508A highway patrol buff named Claire, 509Once screwed half a troop on a dare, 510 And her parts grew so hot, 511 There was steam on her twat, 512So they nicknamed her Smokey the Bare! 513% 514A horny young fellow named Reg, 515Was jerking off under a hedge. 516 The gardener drew near 517 With a huge pruning shear, 518And trimmed off the edge of his wedge. 519% 520A huge-organed female in Dallas, 521Named Alice, who yearned for a phallus, 522 Was virgo intacto, 523 Because, ipso facto, 524No phallus in Dallas fit Alice. 525% 526A joker who haunts Monticello 527Is really a terrible fellow. 528 In the midst of caresses 529 He fills ladies dresses 530With garter snakes, ice cubes, and jello. 531% 532A lacklustre lady of Brougham 533Weaveth all night at her loom. 534 Anon she doth blench 535 When her lord and his wench 536Pull a chain in the neighbouring room. 537% 538A lad, at his first copulation, 539Cried, "What a sensation! Inflation, 540 Gyration, elation 541 Throughout the duration, 542I guess I'll give up masturbation." 543% 544A lad from far-off Transvaal 545Was lustful, but tactful withal. 546 He'd say, just for luck, 547 "Mam'selle, do you fuck?" 548But he'd bow till he almost would crawl. 549% 550A lad of the brainier kind 551Had erogenous zones in his mind. 552 He got his sensations, 553 By solving equations, 554(Of course, in the end, he went blind.) 555% 556A lady born under a curse 557Used to drive forth each day in a hearse; 558 From the back she would wail 559 Through a thickness of veil: 560"Things do not get better, but worse." 561 -- Edward Gorey 562% 563A lady both callous and brash 564Met a man with a vast black moustache; 565 She cried, "Shave it, O do! 566 And I'll put it with glue 567On my hat as a sort of panache." 568 -- Edward Gorey 569% 570A lady from Kalamazoo 571Once found she had nothing to do, 572 So she sat on the stairs 573 And she counted her hairs: 5744,302. 575% 576A lady from Old Little Rock 577In fidelity took little stock, 578 And deserted her man 579 In the streets of Japan 580For a boy with a prehensile cock. 581% 582A lady removing her scanties, 583Heard them crackle electrical chanties. 584 Said her beau, "Have no fear, 585 For the reason is clear: 586You simply have amps in your panties. 587% 588A lady stockholder quite hetera 589Decided her fortune to bettera: 590 On the floor, quite unclad, 591 She successively had 592Merrill Lynch, Pierce, Fenner, et cetera... 593% 594A lady was seized with intent 595To revise her existence misspent. 596 So she climbed up the dome 597 Of St. Peter's in Rome, 598Where she stayed through the following Lent. 599 -- Edward Gorey 600% 601A lady while dining at Crewe 602Found an elephant's whang in her stew. 603 Said the waiter, "Don't shout, 604 And don't wave it about, 605Or the others will all want one too." 606% 607A lady, while dining in Crewe, 608Found an elephant's whang in her stew. 609 Said the waiter, "Don't shout 610 Or wave it about 611Or the others will ask for one, too." 612% 613A lady who signs herself "Vexed" 614Writes to say she believes she's been hexed: 615 "I don't mind my shins 616 Being stuck full of pins, 617But I fear I am coming unsexed." 618 -- Edward Gorey 619% 620A lady with features cherubic 621Was famed for her area pubic. 622 When they asked her its size 623 She replied in surprise, 624"Are you speaking of square feet, or cubic?" 625% 626A lass at the foot of her class 627Asked a brainier chick how to pass. 628 She replied, "With no fuss 629 You can get a B-plus, 630By letting the prof pat your ass." 631% 632A lecherous barkeep named Dale, 633After fucking his favorite female, 634 Mixed Drambuie and scotch 635 With the cream in her crotch 636For a lustier, Rusty-er Nail. 637% 638A licentious old justice of Salem 639Used to catch all the harlots and jail 'em. 640 But instead of a fine 641 He would stand them in line, 642With his common-law tool to impale 'em. 643% 644A limerick packs laughs anatomical 645Into space that is quite economical. 646 But the good ones I've seen 647 So seldom are clean, 648And the clean ones so seldom are comical. 649% 650A lonely young lad of Eton 651Used always to sleep with the heat on, 652 Till he ran into a lass 653 Who showed him her ass -- 654Now they sleep with only a sheet on. 655% 656A lovely young diver named Nancy, 657Wore a bikini bottom quite chancy, 658 The fish of Bonaire, 659 Watched her Derriere, 660And the sea fans all tickled her fancy. 661% 662A lovely young maid from St. Jude 663Once rode through the streets in the nude. 664 The police cried, "Whatam-- 665 Agnificent bottom" 666And slapped it as hard as they could. 667% 668A lovely young maid from St. Jude 669Once rode through the streets in the nude. 670 The police cried, "Whatam-- 671 Agnificent bottom" 672And slapped it as hard as they cude. 673% 674A lusty young maid from Seattle 675Got pleasure by sleeping with cattle; 676 Till she found a bull 677 Who filled her so full 678It made both her ovaries rattle. 679% 680A lusty young woodsman of Maine 681For years with no woman had lain, 682 But he found sublimation 683 At a high elevation 684In the crotch of a pine -- God, the pain! 685% 686A madam who ran a bordello 687Put come in her pineapple jello, 688 For the rich, sexy taste 689 And not wanting to waste 690That greasy kid stuff from a fellow. 691% 692A maestro directing in Rome 693Had a quaint way of driving it home. 694 Whoever he climbed 695 Had to keep her tail timed 696To the beat of his old metronome. 697% 698A maiden who lived in Virginny 699Had a cunt that could bark, neigh and whinny. 700 The horsey set rushed her, 701 But success finally crushed her 702For her tone soon became harsh and tinny. 703% 704A maiden who travelled in France 705Once got on a train, just by chance. 706 The engineer fucked her, 707 The conductor sucked her, 708And the fireman came in his pants. 709% 710A maiden who wrote of big cities 711Some songs full of love, fun and pities, 712 Sold her stuff at the shop 713 Of a musical wop 714Who played with her soft little titties. 715% 716A man was once heard to boast, 717That he received a parcel by post, 718 It contained, so we heard, 719 A magnificent turd, 720And the balls of his grandfather's ghost. 721% 722A marine being sent to Hong Kong 723Got a doctor to alter his dong. 724 He sailed off with a tool 725 Flat and thin as a rule - 726When he got there he found he was wrong. 727% 728A mathematician named Hall 729Had a hexhedronical ball, 730 And the square of its weight 731 Times his pecker's, plus eight, 732Was four-fifths of five-eighths of fuck-all. 733% 734A mathematician named Hall 735Has a hexahedronical ball, 736 And the cube of its weight 737 Times his pecker's, plus eight 738Is his phone number -- give him a call... 739% 740A mathematician named Klein 741Thought the Mobius band was divine. 742 Said he, "If you glue 743 The edges of two, 744You'll get a weird bottle like mine! 745% 746A middle-aged codger named Bruin 747Found his love life completely in ruin, 748 For he flirted with flirts 749 Wearing pants and no skirts, 750And he never got in for no screwin'. 751% 752A milkmaid there was, with a stutter, 753Who was lonely and wanted a futter. 754 She had nowhere to turn, 755 So she diddled a churn, 756And managed to come with the butter. 757% 758A mortician who practised in Fife 759Made love to the corpse of his wife. 760 "How could I know, Judge? 761 She was cold, did not budge-- 762Just the same as she'd acted in life." 763% 764A nasty old drunk in Carmel 765Thinks it funny to piss in the well. 766 He says, "Some don't favor 767 That unusual flavor, 768But I don't drink the stuff -- what the hell!" 769% 770A nervous young fellow named Fred 771Took a charming young widow to bed. 772 When he'd diddled a while 773 She remarked with a smile, 774"You've got it all in but the head." 775% 776A new dramatist of the absurd 777Has a voice that will shortly be heard. 778 I learn from my spies 779 He's about to devise 780An unprintable three-letter word. 781% 782A newlywed couple from Goshen 783Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean. 784 In twenty-eight days 785 They got laid eighty ways -- 786Imagine such fucking devotion! 787% 788A newly-wed man of Peru 789Found himself in a terrible stew: 790 His wife was in bed 791 Much deader than dead, 792And so he had no one to screw. 793% 794A notorious whore named Ms. Hearst, 795In the pleasures of men was well-versed. 796 Reads the sign o'er the head 797 Of her well-rumpled bed 798"The customer always comes first." 799% 800A novice was told by the Abbot: 801"Consider the goat and the rabbit. 802 While they roll in the hay 803 You just stay home and pray. 804You've got to get out of that habit." 805% 806A nudist resort at Benares 807Took a midget in all unawares. 808 But he made members weep 809 For he just couldn't keep 810His nose out of private affairs. 811% 812A nurse motivated by spite 813Tied her infantine charge to a kite; 814 She launched it with ease 815 On the afternoon breeze, 816And watched till it flew out of sight. 817 -- Edward Gorey 818% 819A pansy who lived in Khartoum 820Took a lesbian up to his room. 821 They argued all night 822 Over who had the right 823To do what, with which, and to whom. 824% 825A passionate red-haired girl 826When you kissed her, her senses would whirl, 827 And her twat would get wet, 828 And would wiggle and fret, 829And her cunt-lips would curl and unfurl. 830% 831A pathetic old maid of Bordeaux 832Fell in love with a dashing young beau. 833 To arrest his regard 834 She would squat in his yard 835And longingly pee in the sneaux. 836% 837A petulant man once said, "Pish, 838Your cunt is as big as a dish." 839 She replied, "Why, you fool, 840 With your limp little tool, 841It's like driving a pin with a fish." 842% 843A physical fellow named Fisk 844Could screw at a rate very brisk. 845 So fast was his action 846 The Fitzgerald contraction 847Would shrink up his rod to a disk. 848% 849A pious old woman named Tweak 850Had taught her vagina to speak. 851 It was frequently liable 852 To quote from the Bible, 853But when fucking -- not even a squeak! 854% 855A pious young lady named Finnegan 856Would caution her friend, "Well, you're in again; 857 So time it aright, 858 Make it last through the night, 859For I certainly don't want to sin again!" 860% 861A pious young lady of Chichester 862Made all of the saints in their niches stir 863 And each morning at matin 864 Her breast in pink satin 865Made the bishop of Chichester's breeches stir. 866% 867A playful young chemist named Byrd 868Had an urge that could not be deferred. 869 So to irritate Knox 870 He shit in his sox, 871And plastered the walls with his turd. 872% 873A plumber whose name was John Brink 874Plumbed the cook as she bent o'er the sink. 875 Her resistance was stout, 876 And John Brink petered out, 877With his pipe-wrench all limber and pink. 878% 879A potter who lived in Bombay 880Once fashioned a cunt out of clay; 881 But the heat of his prick 882 Kilned the damn thing to brick 883And chafed all his foreskin away. 884% 885A pretty wife living in Tours 886Demanded her daily amour. 887 But the husband said, "No! 888 It's to much. Let it go! 889My backsides are dragging the floor." 890% 891A pretty young boy known as Kevin 892Was raped in a pasture by seven 893 Lascivious beasts 894 (Oh, those Anglican priests) 895And such is the Kingdom of Heaven. 896% 897A pretty young lady named Vogel 898Once sat herself down on a molehill. 899 A curious mole 900 Nosed into her hole -- 901Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill. 902% 903A pretty young lady named Vogel 904Once sat herself down on a molehill. 905 A curious mole 906 Nosed into her hole -- 907Ms. Vogel's okay, but the mole's ill. 908% 909A pretty young lady named Vogel 910Once sat herself down on a molehill. 911 A curious mole 912 Nosed into her hole- 913Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill. 914% 915A pretty young lady named Vogel 916Once sat herself down on a molehill. 917 A curious mole 918 Nosed into her hole -- 919Ms. Vogel's okay, but the mole's ill. 920% 921A pretty young maiden from France 922Decided she'd "just take a chance." 923 She let herself go 924 For an hour or so, 925And now all her sisters are aunts. 926% 927A princess who lived near a bog 928Met a prince in the form of a frog. 929 Now she and her prince 930 Are the parents of quints, 931Four boys and one fine polliwog. 932% 933A princess who reigned in Baroda 934Made her home on a purple pagoda. 935 She festooned the walls 936 Of her halls with the balls 937And the tools of the fools who be-stroda'. 938% 939A programmer down in Moline 940Said, I'm the match for any machine. 941 My secret's aversion, 942 To loops and recursion, 943Just acres of in-line routine. 944 -- W.J. Wilson 945% 946A rapist who reeked of cheap booze 947Attempted to ravish Miss Hughes. 948 She cried, "I suppose 949 There's no time for my clothes, 950But PLEASE let me take off my shoes!" 951% 952A rapturous young fellatrix 953One day was at work on five pricks. 954 With an unholy cry 955 She whipped out her glass eye: 956"Tell the boys I can now take on six." 957% 958A reckless young lady of France 959Had no qualms about taking a chance, 960 But she thought it was crude 961 To get screwed in the nude, 962So she always went home with damp pants. 963% 964A remarkable race are the Persians; 965They have such peculiar diversions. 966 They make love the whole day 967 In the usual way 968And save up the nights for perversions. 969% 970A remarkable race are the Persians, 971They have such peculiar diversions. 972 They screw the whole day 973 In the regular way, 974And save up the nights for perversions. 975% 976A responsive young girl from the East 977In bed was an able artiste. 978 She had learned two positions 979 From family physicians, 980And ten more from the old parish priest. 981% 982A romantic attraction has clung 983To a chap of whom damsels have sung: 984 "'Tis the Scourge from the East, 985 That lascivious beast 986Who was known as Attila the Hung!" 987% 988A sailor who slept in the sun, 989Woke to find his fly buttons undone, 990 He remarked with a smile, 991 "Good grief, a sun-dial! 992And now it's a quarter-past one." 993% 994A savvy young hooker named Gail 995Got busted and lodged in the jail. 996 But the jailer got hot, 997 To be lodged in her twat, 998And so Gail made the bail with her tail. 999% 1000A scandal involving an oyster 1001Sent the Countess of Clews to a cloister 1002 She preferred it, in bed, 1003 To the count (so she said) 1004'Cause it's longer and stronger and moister. 1005% 1006A scream from the crypt of St. Giles 1007Resounded for miles upon miles. 1008 Said the friar, "Good gracious, 1009 The brother Ignatious 1010Forgeteth the abbot hath piles." 1011% 1012A seafaring hacker named Slatey 1013Went to bed with a VAX/780. 1014 The thing's learned to swear 1015 With a nautical air, 1016And refers to its users as "matey". 1017% 1018A sex-loving coed named Bree 1019Caught the clap from her Apple IIE. 1020 The joystick, she found, 1021 Had been fooling around 1022With a neighboring student's PC. 1023% 1024A silly young man from Hong Kong 1025Had hands that were skinny and long. 1026 He ate rice with his fingers-- 1027 The taste of it lingers, 1028But now all his fingers are gone. 1029% 1030A slick talking pirate named Bruce 1031To steal code, had a plan to seduce 1032 An Apple II+. 1033 Now Bruce wears a truss 1034And was jailed for computer abuse. 1035% 1036A software technician from Digital 1037Had hardware extremely prodigical. 1038 It's rumoured, I hear, 1039 That when he was near 1040He made the ladies all flustered and fidgital. 1041% 1042A space shuttle pilot named Ventry, 1043Made love to a lovely girl sentry. 1044 She started to pout, 1045 Because it fell out, 1046But the mission was saved by re-entry. 1047% 1048A sperm faced, alack and forsooth, 1049His moment of sexual truth. 1050 He'd expected to fall 1051 On a womb's spongy wall 1052But was dashed to his death on a tooth. 1053% 1054A spinster in Kalamazoo 1055Once strolled after dark by the zoo. 1056 She was seized by the nape, 1057 And fucked by an ape, 1058And she murmured, "A wonderful screw." 1059 1060And she added, "You're rough, yes, and hairy, 1061But I hope -- yes I do -- that I marry 1062 A man with a prick 1063 Half as stiff and as thick 1064As the kind that you zoo-keepers carry." 1065% 1066A spunky young schoolboy named Fred 1067Used totoss off each night while in bed. 1068 Said his mother, "Dear lad, 1069 That's exceedingly bad-- 1070Jump in here with your mamma instead." 1071% 1072A starship commander named Kirk 1073Emerged from his cabin berserk. 1074 He grabbed a girl yeoman 1075 Beneath the abdomen, 1076And gave her a physical jerk. 1077% 1078A stout Gaelic warrior, McPherson, 1079Was having a captive, a person 1080 Who was not averse 1081 Though she had the curse, 1082And he'd breeches of bristling furs on. 1083% 1084A structured programmer named Drew 1085Was intensely turned on by "goto". 1086 When he saw it in code 1087 He'd shoot off his load. 1088It's a good thing his shop used so few. 1089% 1090A studious professor named Nestor 1091Bet a whore all his books that he could best her. 1092 But she drained out his balls 1093 And skipped up the walls, 1094Beseeching poor Nestor to rest her. 1095% 1096A sweetheart named Teresa Arden 1097Went down on her beau in the garden. 1098 He said, "Good lord, Tess, 1099 Don't swallow that mess " 1100And she replied, "Ulp, beg your pardon?" 1101% 1102A sweetheart named Teresa Arden 1103Went down on her beau in the garden. 1104 He said, "Good lord, Tess, 1105 Don't swallow that mess!" 1106And she replied, "Ulp, beg your pardon?" 1107% 1108A systems programmer named Sprotic 1109Found his software intensely erotic. 1110 In jealous distress 1111 He wiped his OS. 1112It's possible that he's psychotic. 1113% 1114A talented fuckstress, Miss Chisholm, 1115Was renowned for her fine paroxysm. 1116 While the man detumesced 1117 She still spent on with zest, 1118Her rapture sheer anachronism. 1119% 1120A talented girl from Detroit 1121Could fuck you in ways quite adroit. 1122 She could squeeze her vagina 1123 To a pin-point or finer 1124Or open it out like a quoit. 1125% 1126A team playing baseball in Dallas 1127Called te umpire blind out of malice. 1128 While this worthy had fits 1129 The team made eight hits 1130And a girl in the bleachers named Alice. 1131% 1132A team playing baseball in Dallas 1133Called the umpire blind out of malice. 1134 While this worthy had fits 1135 The team made eight hits 1136And a girl in the bleachers named Alice. 1137% 1138A teenage protester named Lil 1139Cried, "Those watergate spies make me ill 1140 First they bugged our martinis, 1141 Our bras and bikinis, 1142And now they are bugging the pill." 1143% 1144A thrice-married gal from L.A. 1145Said, "My hymen's intact to this day, 1146 'Cause my first (a shrink) talked of it, 1147 The voyeur only gawked at it, 1148And my most recent man's a gourmet." 1149% 1150A tidy young lady of Streator 1151Dearly loved to nibble a peter. 1152 She always would say, 1153 "I prefer it this way. 1154I think it is very much neater." 1155% 1156A timid young woman named Jane 1157Found parties a terrible strain; 1158 With movements uncertain 1159 She'd hide in a curtain 1160And make sounds like a rabbit in pain. 1161 -- Edward Gorey 1162% 1163A tired young trollop of Nome 1164Was worn out from her toes to her dome. 1165 Eight miners came screwing, 1166 But she said, "Nothing doing; 1167One of you has to go home!" 1168% 1169A trapper named Francois Lefebrve 1170Once captured and buggered a beabrve. 1171 The result of this fuck 1172 Was a three titted duck, 1173A canoe, and an Irish retriebrve. 1174% 1175A tutor who tooted a flute 1176Tried to tutor two tutors to toot 1177 Said the two to the tutor: 1178 "Is it harder to toot or 1179To tutor two tutors to toot" 1180% 1181A vengeful technician named Schmitz 1182Caused a disk drive to go on the fritz. 1183 He covered the platter 1184 With bats' fecal matter. 1185Now it's seek time is really the pits. 1186% 1187A very odd pair are the Pitts: 1188His balls are as large as her tits, 1189 Her tits are as large 1190 As an invasion barge-- 1191Neither knows how the other cohabits. 1192% 1193A wanton young lady from Wimley 1194Reproached for not acting quite primly 1195 Said, "Heavens above! 1196 I know sex isn't love, 1197But it's such an entrancing facsimile." 1198% 1199A water pipe suited miss Hunt; 1200She used it for many a bunt. 1201 But the unlucky wench 1202 Got it caught in her trench --- 1203It took twenty-two men and a big Stillson wrench, 1204To get the thing out of her cunt. 1205% 1206A water pipe suited miss Hunt; 1207She used it for many a bunt. 1208 But the unlucky wench 1209 Got it caught in her trench --- 1210It took twenty-two men and a big Stillson wrench, 1211To get the thing out of her cunt. 1212% 1213A weary old lecher named Blott 1214Took a luscious young blond to his yacht. 1215 Too lazy to rape her, 1216 He made darts out of paper, 1217Which he leisurely tossed at her twat. 1218% 1219A whimsical fellow named Bloch 1220Could beat the base drum with his cock. 1221 With a special erection 1222 He could play a selection 1223From Johann Sebastian Bach. 1224% 1225A wicked stone cutter named Cary 1226Drilled holes in divine statuary. 1227 With eyes full of malice 1228 He pulled out his phallus, 1229And buggered a stone Virgin Mary. 1230% 1231A wide-bottomed girl named Trasket 1232Had a hole as big as a basket. 1233 A spot, as a bride, 1234 In it now, you could hide, 1235And include with your luggage your mascot. 1236% 1237A widow whose singular vice 1238Was to keep her late husband on ice 1239 Said, "It's been hard since I lost him -- 1240 I'll never defrost him! 1241Cold comfort, but cheap at the price." 1242% 1243A wonderful bird is the pelican. 1244His mouth can hold more than his belican. 1245 He can take in his beak 1246 Enough food for a week. 1247And I'm darned if I know how the helican. 1248% 1249A wonderful bird is the pelican. 1250His mouth can hold more than his belican. 1251 He can take in his beak 1252 Enough food for a week. 1253I'm darned if I know how the helican. 1254% 1255A wonderful tribe are the Sweenies, 1256Renowned for the length of their peenies. 1257 The hair on their balls 1258 Sweeps the floors of their halls, 1259But they don't look at women, the meanies. 1260% 1261A wood-fetish busboy named Gable 1262Is rapid, is thorough, is able; 1263 But when everything's cleared, 1264 He gives way to the weird, 1265As he lovingly busses each table. 1266% 1267A worn-out young husband named Lehr 1268Her daily his wife's plaintive prayer: 1269 "Slip on a sheath, quick, 1270 Then slip your big dick 1271Between these lips covered with hair." 1272% 1273A worried young man from Stamboul 1274Discovered red spots on his tool. 1275 Said the doctor, a cynic, 1276 "Get out of my clinic 1277Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool." 1278% 1279A worried young man from Stamboul 1280Founds lots of red spots on his tool. 1281 Said the doctor, a cynic, 1282 "Get out of my clinic; 1283Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!" 1284% 1285A young bride and groom of Australia 1286Remarked as they joined genitalia : 1287 "Though the system seems odd, 1288 We are thankful that God 1289Developed the genus Mammalia." 1290% 1291A young fellow discovered through Freud 1292That although of penis devoid, 1293 He could practice coitus 1294 By eating a foetus, 1295And his parents were quite overjoyed. 1296% 1297A young Juliet of St. Louis 1298On a balcony stood acting screwy. 1299 Her Romeo climbed, 1300 But he wasn't well timed, 1301And half-way up, off he went -- blooey! 1302% 1303A young lad named Lester McGraw 1304Caught a stranger on top of his Maw. 1305 As he watched him stick her 1306 He said, with a snicker, 1307"You do it much faster than Paw." 1308% 1309A young lady sat by the sea, 1310Just as proper as proper could be. 1311 A young fellow goosed her, 1312 And roughly seduced her, 1313So she thanked him and went home to tea. 1314% 1315A young lady who lived by the Usk 1316Subsisted each day on a rusk; 1317 She ate the first bite 1318 Before it was light, 1319And the last crumb sometime after dusk. 1320 -- Edward Gorey 1321% 1322A young lass got married at Chester; 1323Her mother she kissed and she blessed her. 1324 Said she, "You're in luck -- 1325 'E's a stunning good fuck, 1326For I've 'ad 'im meself down in Leicester." 1327% 1328A young maiden from France was no prude, 1329She decided to dive in the nude, 1330 But her buddy, behind, 1331 Went out of his mind, 1332When he noticed where she was tatooed. 1333% 1334A young man by a girl was desired 1335To give her the thrills she required, 1336 But he died of old age 1337 Ere his cock could assuage 1338The volcanic desire it inspired. 1339% 1340A young man from the banks of the Po 1341Found his cock had elongated so, 1342 That when he'd pee 1343 It was never he 1344But only his neighbors who'd know. 1345% 1346A young man grew increasingly peaky 1347In a house where the hinges were squeaky, 1348 The ferns curled up brown, 1349 The ceilings flaked down, 1350And all of the faucets were leaky. 1351 -- Edward Gorey 1352% 1353A young man maintained that his trigger 1354Was so big that there weren't any bigger. 1355 But this long and thick pud 1356 Was so heavy it could 1357Scarcely lift up its head. It lacked vigor. 1358% 1359A young man of acumen and daring, 1360Who'd amassed a great fortune in herring, 1361 Was left quite alone 1362 When it soon became known 1363That their use at his board was unsparing. 1364 -- Edward Gorey 1365% 1366A young man of Llanfairpwllgwyngyll 1367While bent over plucking a dingle 1368 Had the whole of Eisteddfod 1369 Taking turns at his pod 1370While they sang some impossible jingle. 1371% 1372A young man with passions quite gingery 1373Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie. 1374 He slapped her behind 1375 And made up his mind 1376To add incest to insult and injury. 1377% 1378A young polo-player of Berkeley 1379Made love to his sweetheart beserkly. 1380 In the midst of each chukker 1381 He would break off and fuck her 1382Horizontally, laterally and verkeley. 1383% 1384A young systems programmer of Sprotic 1385Found his software intensely erotic. 1386 In jealous distress 1387 He wiped his OS. 1388It's possible that he's a psychotic. 1389% 1390A young violinist from Rio 1391Was seducing a woman named Cleo. 1392 As she took down her panties 1393 She said, "No andantes; 1394I want this allegro con brio!" 1395% 1396A young wife in the outskirts of Reims 1397Preferred frigging to going to mass. 1398 Said her husband, "Take Jacques, 1399 Or any young cock, 1400For I cannot live up to your ass." 1401% 1402A young woman got married at Chester, 1403Her mother she kissed her and blessed her. 1404 Says she, "You're in luck, 1405 He's a stunning good fuck, 1406For I've had him myself down in Leicester." 1407% 1408According to experts, the oyster 1409In its shell - a crustacean cloister - 1410 May frequently be 1411 Either he or a she 1412Or both, if it should be its choice ter. 1413% 1414Alas for the Countess d'Isere, 1415Whose muff wasn't furnished with hair. 1416 Said the Count, "Quelle surprise!" 1417 When he parted her thighs; 1418"Magnifique! Pourtant pas de la guerre." 1419% 1420All the female apes ran from King Kong 1421For his dong was unspeakably long. 1422 But a friendly giraffe 1423 Quaffed his yard and a half, 1424And ecstatically burst into song. 1425% 1426An aesthete from South Carolina 1427Had a cock that tickled like China, 1428 But while shooting his load 1429 It cracked like old Spode, 1430So he's bought him a Steuben vagina. 1431% 1432An agreeable girl named Miss Doves 1433Likes to jack off the young men she loves. 1434 She will use her bare fist 1435 If the fellows insist 1436But she really prefers to wear gloves. 1437% 1438An AI researcher named Bluth 1439Wrote, to find out the sexual truth, 1440 Eroticon VI, 1441 Which he taught certain tricks 1442Which I'm sure can't be found in Knuth. 1443% 1444An amazon giantess named Dunne 1445Let a midget screw her for fun. 1446 But the poor little runt 1447 Was engulfed in her cunt 1448And re-born as the twin of his son. 1449% 1450An ambitious lady named Harriet 1451Once dreamed she was raped in a chariot 1452 By seventeen sailors 1453 A monk and three tailors, 1454Mohammed and Judas Iscariot. 1455% 1456An anonymous woman we knew 1457Was dozing one day in her pew; 1458 When the preacher yelled "Sin!" 1459 She said, "Count me in 1460As soon as the service is through." 1461% 1462An architect fellow named Yoric 1463Could, when feeling euphoric, 1464 Display for selection 1465 Three kinds of erection- 1466Corinthian, ionic, and doric. 1467% 1468An architect fellow named Yoric 1469Could, when feeling euphoric, 1470 Display for selection 1471 Three kinds of erection- 1472Corinthian,ionic,and doric. 1473% 1474An ardent young man named Magruder 1475Once wooed a girl nude in Bermuda. 1476 She thought it quite lewd 1477 To be wooed in the nude, 1478But magruder was shrewder, he screwed her. 1479% 1480An Argentine gaucho named Bruno 1481Who said, "Fucking is one thing I do know. 1482 Women are fine 1483 And sheep are divine 1484But llamas are numero uno." 1485% 1486An ARPAnaut name of Corvette 1487Had a fetish involving the net. 1488 As he fondled his IMP 1489 His cock went from limp 1490To as hard as concrete which has set. 1491% 1492An arrogant wench from Salt Lake 1493Liked to tease all the boys on the make. 1494 She was finally the prize 1495 Of a man twice her size 1496And all she recalls is the ache. 1497% 1498An artist who lived in Australia 1499Once painted his ass like a Dahlia. 1500 The drawing was fine, 1501 The colour - devine, 1502The scent - ah, that was a failia. 1503% 1504An artist who lived in Australia 1505Once painted his ass like a Dahlia. 1506 The drawing was fine, 1507 The colour - divine, 1508The scent - ah, that was a failia. 1509% 1510An eager young hacker named Gus 1511Once buggered a VAX Unibus. 1512 The hardware went bad, 1513 But not the young lad 1514(Except for the toupee and truss). 1515% 1516An eager young hacker named Gus 1517Once buggered a VAX Unibus. 1518 The hardware went bad, 1519 But not the young lad 1520He didn't expect all that fuss! 1521% 1522An Edwardian father named Udgeon, 1523Whose offspring provoked him to dudgeon, 1524 Used on Saturday nights 1525 To turn down the lights, 1526And chase them around with a bludgeon. 1527 -- Edward Gorey 1528% 1529An envious girl named McMeanus 1530Was jealous of her lover's big penis. 1531 It was small consolation 1532 That the rest of the nation 1533Of women were with her in weeness. 1534% 1535An exotic young lady named Suki 1536Once danced in a troupe of kabuki 1537 When asked for a fuck 1538 She said, "Solly, no luck-- 1539See here: looky looky, no nuki " 1540% 1541An impish young fellow named James 1542Had a passion for idiot games. 1543 He lighted the hair 1544 Of his lady's affair 1545And laughed as she pissed through the flames. 1546% 1547An impotent Scot named MacDougall 1548Had to husband his sperm and be frugal. 1549 He was gathering semen 1550 To gender a he-man, 1551By screwing his wife through a bugle. 1552% 1553An incautious young woman named Venn 1554Was seen with the wrong sort of men; 1555 She vanished one day, 1556 But the following May 1557Her legs were retrieved from a fen. 1558 -- Edward Gorey 1559% 1560An indefatigable woman named Bavel 1561Had often occasion to travel; 1562 On the way she would sit 1563 And furiously knit, 1564And on the way back she'd unravel. 1565 -- Edward Gorey 1566% 1567An ingenious young man in South Bend 1568Made a synthetic ass for a friend, 1569 But the friend shortly found 1570 Its construction unsound, 1571It was simply a bother -- no end. 1572% 1573An innocent maiden named Herridge 1574Was cruelly tricked ito marriage; 1575 When she later found out 1576 What her spouse was about, 1577She threw herself under a carriage. 1578 -- Edward Gorey 1579% 1580An inquisitive virgin named Dora 1581Asked the man who started to bore 'er : 1582 "Do you mean birds and bees 1583 Go through antics like these, 1584To suppy us our fauna and flora?" 1585% 1586An irate young lady named Booker 1587Told her husband, "You beast, I'm no hooker! 1588 If you want it queer ways, 1589 Go to whores for your lays!" 1590So he packed up his tool and forsook 'er. 1591% 1592An octagenerian Jew 1593To his wife remained steadfastly true. 1594 This was not from compunction, 1595 But due to dysfunction 1596Of his spermatic glands -- nuts to you. 1597% 1598An old couple just at Shrovetide 1599Were having a piece -- when he died. 1600 The wife for a week 1601 Sat tight on his peak, 1602And bounced up and down as she cried. 1603% 1604An old electronic designer 1605Had designs on a minor named Dinah. 1606 He couldn't carry them out 1607 For his prick was too stout, 1608And too small was the minor's vagina. 1609% 1610An old gentleman's crotchets and quibblings 1611Were a terrible trial to his siblings, 1612 But he was not removed 1613 Till one day it was proved 1614That the bell-ropes were damp with his dribblings. 1615 -- Edward Gorey 1616% 1617An old maid who had a pet ape 1618Lived in fear of perpetual rape. 1619 His red, hairy phallus 1620 So filled her with malice 1621That she sealed up her snatch with Scotch tape. 1622% 1623An old man at the Folies Bergere 1624Had a jock, a most wondrous affair: 1625 It snipped off a twat-curl 1626 From each new chorus girl, 1627And he had a wig made of the hair. 1628% 1629An organist playing in York 1630Had a prick that could hold a small fork, 1631 And between obbligatos 1632 He'd munch at tomatoes, 1633To keep up his strength while at work. 1634% 1635An orgasmic young sex star named Sue 1636Was a hit as she writhed to a screw. 1637 Her climatic fame spread 1638 With an ad blitz that said: 1639Coming soon at a theater near you! 1640% 1641An uptight young lady named Breerley 1642Who valued her morals too dearly 1643 Had sex, so I hear, 1644 Only once every year, 1645And she strained her vagina severely. 1646% 1647And earnest young woman in Thrace 1648Said, "Darling, that's not the right place!" 1649 So he gave her a thwack, 1650 And did on her back, 1651What he couldn't have done face to face. 1652% 1653And then there's the story that's fraught 1654With disaster -- of balls that got caught, 1655 When a chap took a crap 1656 In the woods, and a trap 1657Underneath... Oh, I can't bear the thought! 1658% 1659As for weirdness, the guy who's the tops 1660Is a kinky old butcher named Pops. 1661 Since he thinks it's effete 1662 To be beating his meat, 1663What he's into is licking his chops. 1664% 1665As he came in his chubby choirboy, 1666Father Burke said, "There's no greater joy! 1667 If no sodomy levens 1668 And possible heavens, 1669Existence will merely annoy." 1670% 1671As the breeches-buoy swing towards the rocks, 1672Its occupant cried, "Save my socks! 1673 I could not bear the loss, 1674 For with scarlet silk floss 1675My mama has embroidered their clocks." 1676 -- Edward Gorey 1677% 1678As tourists inspected the apse 1679An ominous series of raps 1680 Came from under the altar, 1681 Which caused some to falter 1682And others to shriek and collapse. 1683 -- Edward Gorey 1684% 1685Asked a supplicant priest of the pontiff, 1686"Do I sin if I do what I want, if 1687 I screw a young nun 1688 In the eastertide sun?" 1689His holiness murmured, "Gut yontiff." 1690% 1691At a contest for farting in Butte 1692One lady's exertion was cute : 1693 It won the diploma 1694 For fetid aroma, 1695And three judges were felled by the brute. 1696% 1697At a dance, a girl from Connecticut 1698Showed an absolute absence of etiquette 1699 Letting all comers press 1700 Through the skirt of her dress 1701And wiping the mess with her petticoat. 1702% 1703At the end of all civilization 1704Is the planet Terminus's location. 1705 There's a girl there whose feat, 1706 Without stone or concrete, 1707Nonetheless, was to lay the Foundation. 1708% 1709At the moment Japan declared war 1710A sailor was fucking a whore. 1711 He said, "After this poke 1712 `Long and hard' ain't no joke; 1713This means months 'til I get back ashore." 1714% 1715At the Villa Nemetia the sleepers 1716Are disturbed by a phantom in weepers; 1717 It beats all night long 1718 A dirge on a gong 1719As it staggers about in the creepers. 1720 -- Edward Gorey 1721% 1722At Vassar, sex isn't injurious, 1723Though of love we are never penurious. 1724 Thanks to vulcanized aids, 1725 Though we may die old maids, 1726At least we shall never die curious. 1727% 1728At whist drives and strawberry teas 1729Fan would giggle and show off her knees; 1730 But when she was alone 1731 She'd drink eau de cologne, 1732And weep from a sense of unease. 1733 -- Edward Gorey 1734% 1735Augustus, for slpashing his soup, 1736Was put for the night on the stoop; 1737 In the morning he'd not 1738 Repented a jot, 1739And next day he was dead of the croup. 1740 -- Edward Gorey 1741% 1742Augustus, for splashing his soup, 1743Was put for the night on the stoop; 1744 In the morning he'd not 1745 Repented a jot, 1746And next day he was dead of the croup. 1747 -- Edward Gorey 1748% 1749Back in the days of old Adam 1750The grass served as mattress for madam, 1751 And they spent the whole day 1752 On the sex that today 1753They would bounce on box springs, if they had 'em. 1754% 1755Each Friday his engines abort, 1756But Scotty is never caught short. 1757 He fills his machines 1758 With space-navy beans, 1759And farts the ship back into port. 1760% 1761Each night Father fills me with dread 1762When he sits on the foot of my bed; 1763 I'd not mind that he speaks 1764 In gibbers and squeaks, 1765But for the seventeen years he's been dead. 1766 -- Edward Gorey 1767% 1768Each night Father fills me with dread 1769When he sits on the foot ofmy bed; 1770 I'd not mind that he speaks 1771 In gibbers and squeaks, 1772But for the seventeen years he's been dead. 1773 -- Edward Gorey 1774% 1775From deep in the crypt at St. Giles 1776Came a bellow that echoed for miles. 1777 Said the rector, "My gracious, 1778 Has Father Ignatius 1779Forgotten the Bishop has piles!?" 1780% 1781From Number Nine, Penwiper Mews, 1782There is really abominable news; 1783 They've discovered a head 1784 In the box for the bread, 1785But nobody seems to know whose. 1786 -- Edward Gorey 1787% 1788From the bathing machine came a din 1789As of jollification within; 1790 It was heard far and wide, 1791 And the incoming tide 1792Had a definite flavour of gin. 1793 -- Edward Gorey 1794% 1795"Fucked by the finger of Fate!" 1796Bewailed a young fellow named Tate. 1797 "Since dating Miss Baugh, 1798 My whole tongue has been raw-- 1799It must have been something I ate." 1800% 1801In the case of a lady named Frost, 1802Whose cunt's a good two feet acrost, 1803 It's the best part of valor 1804 To bugger the gal, or 1805You're apt to fall in and get lost. 1806% 1807In the Garden of Eden lay Adam, 1808Complacently stroking his madam, 1809 And loud was his mirth 1810 For on all of the earth 1811There were only two balls -- and he had 'em. 1812% 1813In the garden of Eden lay Adam, 1814Complacently stroking his madam 1815 And loud was his mirth 1816 For on all of the earth 1817There were only two balls and he had'em. 1818% 1819In the little French town of Le'Beau, 1820Lived a maiden exceedingly droll. 1821 At a masquerade ball, 1822 Clad in nothing at all, 1823She backed in as a Parker house roll. 1824% 1825It always delights me at Hank's 1826To walk up the old river banks. 1827 One time in the grass 1828 I stepped on an ass, 1829And heard a young girl murmur, "Thanks." 1830% 1831It had snowed, and the man in the drift, 1832Flagged her down and asked, "Give me a lift?" 1833 They sat in her Bentley, 1834 She fondled him gently, 1835And the lift that he'd asked for was swift! 1836% 1837The late Brigham Young was no neuter -- 1838No faggot, no fairy, no fruiter. 1839 Where ten thousand virgins 1840 Succumbed to his urgin's 1841There now stands the great State of Utah. 1842% 1843The latest reports from Good Hope 1844State that apes there have pricks thick as rope, 1845 And fuck high, wide, and free, 1846 From the top of one tree 1847To the top of the next -- what a scope! 1848% 1849The limerick, a verse form iniquitous, 1850Has nonetheless been ubiquitous. 1851 Once Congress in session, 1852 Declared its suppression, 1853But people got around that by writing the last line with no rhyme or meter. 1854% 1855The limerick is furtive and mean; 1856You must keep her in close quarantine, 1857 Or she sneaks to the slums 1858 And promptly becomes 1859Disorderly, drunk, and obscene. 1860 -- Morris Bishop 1861% 1862The limerick is furtive and mean; 1863You must keep her in close quarantine, 1864 Or she sneaks to the slums 1865 And promptly becomes 1866Disorderly, drunk, and obscene. 1867 -- Morris Bishop 1868% 1869The old archeologist, Throstle, 1870Discovered a marvelous fossil. 1871 He knew from its bend 1872 And the knot on the end, 1873T'was the penis of Paul the Apostle. 1874% 1875There a young man from the Coast 1876Who had an affair with a ghost. 1877 At the height of orgasm 1878 Said the pallid phantasm, 1879"I think I can feel it -- almost!" 1880% 1881There once was a bishop from Birmingham 1882Who deflowered young girls while confirming 'em. 1883 As they knelt on the hassock 1884 He lifted his cassock 1885And slipped his episcopal worm in 'em. 1886% 1887There once was a boy named Carruthers 1888Who was busily fucking his mother 1889 "I know it's a sin," 1890 He said, shoving it in, 1891"But it's better than blowing my brother." 1892% 1893There once was a chick named Longet, 1894Who went out to Aspen to play. 1895 Along came a Spyder, 1896 Who sat down beside her 1897And she blew the poor bastard away. 1898% 1899There once was a clergyman's daughter 1900Who detested the pony he bought her, 1901 Till she found that its dong 1902 Was as hard and as long 1903As the prayers her father had taught her. 1904 1905She married a fellow named Tony 1906Who soon found her fucking the pony. 1907 Said he, "What's it got, 1908 My dear, that I've not?" 1909Sighed she, "Just a yard-long bologna." 1910% 1911There once was a couple named Kelley, 1912Who lived their life belly to belly. 1913 Because in their haste 1914 They used library paste, 1915Instead of petroleum jelly. 1916% 1917There once was a couple named Kelly 1918Who walked around belly-to-belly. 1919 It seems in their haste, 1920 They used Carter's paste 1921Instead of petroleum jelly. 1922% 1923There once was a dentist named Stone 1924Who saw all his patients alone. 1925 In a fit of depravity 1926 He filled the wrong cavity, 1927And my, how his practice has grown! 1928% 1929There once was a Duchess of Beever 1930Who slept with her golden retriever. 1931 Said the potted old Duke : 1932 "Such tricks make me puke! 1933Were it not for her money, I'd leave her." 1934% 1935There once was a Duchess of Bruges 1936Whose cunt was incredibly huge. 1937 Said the king to this dame 1938 As he thunderously came: 1939"Mon Dieu! Apres moi, le deluge!" 1940% 1941There once was a fag of Khartoom 1942Who spent the night in a Lesbians room. 1943 They argued all night, 1944 Over who had the right, 1945To do what, and with which, and to whom. 1946% 1947There once was a fairy named Avers 1948Who encircled his cock with lifesavers. 1949 Though buggers all claimed 1950 That their asses were maimed, 1951Sixy-niners all cheered the new flavors. 1952% 1953There once was a fellow named Bob 1954Who in sexual ways was a snob. 1955 One day he was swimmin' 1956 With twelve naked women 1957And deserted them all for a gob. 1958% 1959There once was a fellow named Brewster 1960Who said to his wife, as he goosed her, 1961 "It used to be grand 1962 But look at my hand 1963You're not wiping as clean as ya uster." 1964% 1965There once was a fellow named Howard, 1966Whose tool it was nuclear-powered, 1967 While grabbing some ass, 1968 He reached critical mass, 1969But think of the girl he deflowered! 1970% 1971There once was a fellow named Potts 1972Who was prone to having the trots 1973 But his humble abode 1974 Was without a commode 1975So his carpet was covered with spots. 1976% 1977There once was a fellow named Siegel 1978Who attempted to bugger a beagle, 1979 But the mettlesome bitch 1980 Turned and said with a twitch, 1981"It's fun, but you know it's illegal." 1982% 1983There once was a fellow named Sweeney 1984Who spilled gin all over his weenie. 1985 Not being uncouth, 1986 He added vermouth 1987And slipped his amour a martini. 1988% 1989There once was a fencer named Fisk, 1990Whose speed was incredibly brisk. 1991 So fast was his action, 1992 The Fitzgerald contraction, 1993Foreshortended his foil to a disk. 1994% 1995There once was a fiesty young terrier 1996Who liked to bite girls on the derriere. 1997 He'd yip and he'd yap, 1998 Then leap up and snap; 1999And the fairer the derriere the merrier. 2000% 2001There once was a floozie named Annie 2002Whose prices were cosy--but cannie: 2003 A buck for a fuck, 2004 Fifty cents for a suck, 2005And a dime for a feel of her fanny. 2006% 2007There once was a freshman named Lin, 2008Whose tool was as thin as a pin, 2009 A virgin named Joan 2010 From a bible belt home, 2011Said "This won't be much of a sin." 2012% 2013There once was a gangster named Brown 2014- the sneakiest bastard in town. 2015 He was caught by G-men 2016 Shooting his semen 2017Where the cops would slip and fall down. 2018% 2019There once was a gaucho named Bruno, 2020Who said, "About sex, well, I do know, 2021 Sheep are just fine, 2022 Chickens, divine, 2023But iguanas are Numero Uno." 2024% 2025There once was a gay young Parisian 2026Who screwed an appendix incision, 2027 And the girl of his choice 2028 Could hardly rejoice 2029At the horrible lack of precision. 2030% 2031There once was a girl from Cornell 2032Whose teats were shaped like a bell. 2033 When you touched them they shrunk, 2034 Except when she was drunk, 2035And then they got bigger than hell. 2036% 2037There once was a girl from Decatur, 2038Who got laid by a big alligator. 2039 Now nobody knew 2040 The result of that screw, 2041'Cause after he laid her, he ate her. 2042% 2043There once was a girl from Madras 2044Who had such a beautiful ass - 2045 It was not round and pink 2046 ( as you bastards think ) 2047But had two ears, a tail, and ate grass. 2048% 2049There once was a girl from Madras 2050Who had such a beautiful ass - 2051 It was not round and pink 2052 (As you bastards think) 2053But had two ears, a tail, and ate grass. 2054% 2055There once was a girl from Spokane, 2056Went to bed with a one-legged man. 2057 She said, "I know you-- 2058 You've really got two! 2059Why didn't you say so when we began?" 2060% 2061There once was a girl named Irene 2062Who lived on distilled kerosene 2063 But she started absorbin' 2064 A new hydrocarbon 2065And since then has never benzene. 2066% 2067There once was a girl named Louise 2068Who cunt hair hung down to her knees 2069 The crabs in her twat 2070 Tied the hairs in a knot 2071And constructed a flying trapeze 2072% 2073There once was a girl named Mcgoffin 2074Who was diddled amazingly often. 2075 She was rogered by scores 2076 Who'd been turned down by whores, 2077And was finally screwed in her coffin. 2078% 2079There once was a girl named Priscilla 2080Whose vagina was flavored vanilla. 2081 The taste was so fine 2082 Man and beast stood in line 2083(Including a stud armadilla). 2084% 2085There once was a girl so lovely, 2086Who wanted to make love in the bubbly, 2087 She strapped on her tanks, 2088 And started her pranks, 2089But the lobsters all thought she was ugly. 2090% 2091There once was a golfer named Leer, 2092Who got put in the clink for a year, 2093 For an action obscene, 2094 On the very first green. 2095Where the sign said "Enter course here." 2096% 2097There once was a gouty old colonel 2098Who grew glum when the weather grew vernal, 2099 And he cried in his tiffin 2100 For his prick wouldn't stiffen, 2101And the size of the thing was infernal. 2102% 2103There once was a guardsman from Buckingham 2104Who said, "As for girls, I hate fucking 'em. 2105 But when I meet boys, 2106 God! how I enjoys 2107Just licking their peckers and sucking 'em." 2108% 2109There once was a hacker named Ken 2110Who inherited truckloads of Yen. 2111 So he built him some chicks, 2112 Of silicon chips, 2113And hasn't been heard from since then. 2114% 2115There once was a handsome young seaman 2116Who with ladies was really a demon. 2117 In peace or in war, 2118 At sea or on shore, 2119He could certainly dish out the semen. 2120% 2121There once was a horny old bitch 2122With a motorized self-frigger which 2123 She would use with delight 2124 All day long and all night - 2125Twenty bucks: Abercrombie & Fitch. 2126% 2127There once was a horse named Lily 2128Whose dingus was really a dilly. 2129 It was vaginoid duply, 2130 And labial quadruply -- 2131In fact, he was really a filly. 2132% 2133There once was a husky young Viking 2134Whose sexual prowess was striking. 2135 Every time he got hot 2136 He would scour the twat 2137Of some girl that might be to his liking. 2138% 2139There once was a jolly old bloke 2140Who picked up a girl for a poke. 2141 He took down her pants, 2142 Fucked her into a trance, 2143And then shit into her shoe for a joke. 2144% 2145There once was a kiddie named Carr 2146Caught a man on top of his mar. 2147 As he saw him stick 'er, 2148 He said with a snicker, 2149"You do it much faster than par." 2150% 2151There once was a lady from Exeter, 2152So pretty that men craned their necks at her. 2153 One was even so brave 2154 As to take out and wave 2155The distinguishing mark of his sex at her. 2156% 2157There once was a lady from Kansas 2158Whose cunt was as big as Bonanzas. 2159 It was nine inches deep 2160 And the sides were quite steep -- 2161It had whiskers like General Carranza's. 2162% 2163There once was a lady named Carter, 2164Fell in love with a virile young Tartar. 2165 She stripped off his pants, 2166 At his prick quickly glanced, 2167And cried: "For that I'll be a martyr!" 2168% 2169There once was a lady named Clair, 2170Who posessed a magnificent pair. 2171 Or that's what I thought, 2172 Till I saw one get caught, 2173On a thorn and begin losing air. 2174% 2175There once was a lady named Myrtle 2176Who had an affair with a turtle. 2177 She had crabs, so they say, 2178 In a year and a day 2179Which proved that that turtle was fertile. 2180% 2181There once was a lawyer named Rex 2182With minuscule organs of sex. 2183 Arraigned for exposure, 2184 He maintained with composure, 2185"De minimis non curat lex." 2186 2187 [Trans: the law does not concern itself with small things. Ed.] 2188% 2189There once was a lifeguard named Lee 2190Who rescued a girl from the sea 2191 She asked how to pay, 2192 And he said "Try this way, 2193Go down for the third time on me." 2194% 2195There once was a maid from Mobile 2196Whose cunt was made of blue steel. 2197 She only got thrills 2198 From pneumatic drills 2199And an off-centered emery wheel. 2200% 2201There once was a man from Bombay 2202He would do it all night and all day 2203 He soon became sore 2204 You shoulda' heard him roar 2205When his wife rubbed his balls with Ben-Gay! 2206% 2207There once was a man from Calcutta 2208Who used to beat off in the gutta 2209 The heat of the sun 2210 Affected his gun 2211And turned all his cream into butta! 2212% 2213There once was a man from Dunoon, 2214Who always ate soup with a fork. 2215 He said "When I eat 2216 Either fish, foul or flesh, 2217I otherwise finish too quick." 2218% 2219There once was a man from Exameter 2220Who had a prodigious diameter 2221 But it wasn't the size 2222 That brought forth the cries 2223'Twas his rythm, iambic pentameter. 2224% 2225There once was a man from Madras, 2226Whose balls were made out of brass. 2227 When they clanged together, 2228 They played "Stormy Weather", 2229And lightning shot out of his ass. 2230% 2231There once was a man from Nantee 2232Who buggered an ape in a tree. 2233 The results were most horrid 2234 All ass and no forehead 2235Three balls and a purple goatee. 2236% 2237There once was a man from Nantucket 2238Who kept all his cash in a bucket. 2239 His daughter, named Nan, 2240 Ran away with a man, 2241And as for the bucket, Nantucket. 2242 2243The pair of them went to Manhasset, 2244(Nan and the man with the asset.) 2245 Pa followed them there, 2246 But they left in a tear, 2247And as for the asset, Manhasset. 2248 2249Pa followed the pair to Pawtucket, 2250(Nan and the man with the bucket.) 2251 Pa said to the man, 2252 "You're welcome to Nan." 2253But as for the bucket, Pawtucket. 2254% 2255There once was a man from Nantucket, 2256Whose cock was so long he could suck it. 2257 He said with a grin, 2258 As he wiped off his chin, 2259If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it! 2260% 2261There once was a man from Nantucket 2262Whose dick was so long he could suck it. 2263 He said with a grin 2264 As he wiped off his chin, 2265"If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it." 2266% 2267There once was a man from Racine, 2268Who invented a screwing machine. 2269 Both concave and convex, 2270 It could please either sex, 2271But, oh, what a bastard to clean! 2272% 2273There once was a man from Sandem 2274Who was making his girl on a tandem. 2275 At the peak of the make 2276 She jammed on the brake 2277And scattered his semen at random. 2278% 2279There once was a man from Sydney 2280Who could put it up to her kidney. 2281 But the man from Quebec 2282 Put it up to her neck; 2283He had a big one, now didn't he? 2284% 2285There once was a man named Lodge, 2286who had seatbelts installed in his Dodge. 2287 When his date was strapped in, 2288 He committed a sin, 2289without ever leaving the garage. 2290% 2291There once was a man named McGruder, 2292Who canoed with a girl in Bermuder. 2293 But the girl thought it crude, 2294 To be wooed in the nude, 2295So McGru took an oar and subduder. 2296% 2297There once was a man named McSweeny 2298Who spilled lots of gin on his weeney 2299 So just to be couth 2300 He added vermouth 2301And slipped his best girl a martini. 2302% 2303There once was a man named McSweeny 2304Who spilled some raw gin on his weeny. 2305 Just to be couth, 2306 He added vermouth, 2307And slipped his girlfriend a martini. 2308% 2309There once was a man named Parridge 2310With peculiar views on marriage. 2311 He sucked off his brother, 2312 Fucked his own mother, 2313And gobbled his sister's miscarriage. 2314% 2315There once was a man with a hernia 2316Who said to his doctor, "Gol dern ya, 2317 When you work on my middle 2318 Be sure you don't fiddle 2319With things that do not concern ya." 2320% 2321There once was a member of Mensa 2322Who was a most excellent fencer. 2323 The sword that he used 2324 Was his -- (line is refused, 2325And has now been removed by the censor). 2326% 2327There once was a miner named Dave, 2328Who kept a dead whore in his cave. 2329 She was ugly as shit, 2330 And missing one tit, 2331But think of the money he saves. 2332% 2333There once was a monk of Camyre 2334Who was seized with a carnal desire 2335 And the primary cause 2336 Was the abbess's drawers 2337Which were hung up to dry by the fire. 2338% 2339There once was a newspaper vendor, 2340A person of dubious gender. 2341 He would charge one-and-two 2342 For permission to view 2343His remarkable double pudenda. 2344% 2345There once was a plumber from Leigh 2346Who was plumbing his maid by the sea. 2347 Said she, "Please stop plumbing, 2348 I think someone's coming!" 2349Said he, "Yes, I know love, it's me." 2350% 2351There once was a pretty young Mrs. 2352Whose tearful but short story thrs. 2353 Her mind lost its grasp - 2354 Now she thinks she's an asp 2355And just sits in the corner and hrs. 2356% 2357There once was a queen of Bulgaria 2358Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier, 2359 Till a prince from Peru 2360 Who came up for a screw 2361Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier. 2362% 2363There once was a reverend at Kings 2364Whose mind 'twas on heavenly things. 2365 But his heart was on fire 2366 For a boy in the choir 2367Whose buns were like jelly on springs. 2368% 2369There once was a sad Maitre d'hotel 2370Who said, "They can all go to hell! 2371 What they do to my wife -- 2372 Why it ruins my life; 2373And the worst is they all do it well." 2374% 2375There once was a sailor named Gasted, 2376A swell guy, as long as he lasted, 2377 He could jerk himself off 2378 In a basket, aloft, 2379Or a breeches-buoy swung from the masthead. 2380% 2381There once was a Scot named McAmeter 2382With a tool of prodigious diameter. 2383 It was not the size 2384 That cause such surprise; 2385'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter. 2386% 2387There once was a son-of-a-bitch, 2388Neither clever, nor handsome, nor rich, 2389 Yet the girls he would dazzle, 2390 And fuck to a frazzle, 2391And then ditch them, the son-of-a-bitch! 2392% 2393There once was a spaceman named Spock 2394Who had a huge Vulcanized cock. 2395 A girl from Missouri 2396 Whose name was Uhura 2397Just fainted away from the shock. 2398% 2399There once was a Swede in Minneapolis, 2400Discovered his sex life was hapless: 2401 The more he would screw 2402 The more he'd want to, 2403And he feared he would soon be quite sapless. 2404% 2405There once was a Usenetter named Mark, 2406Whose gender was kept in the dark. 2407 He/she/it said with a nod, 2408 "My ancestors were odd!" 2409Did Noah need two for the ark? 2410% 2411There once was a whore from Regina 2412Who had a stupendous vagina. 2413 To save herself time, 2414 She had six at a time, 2415And another one working behind her. 2416% 2417There once was a woman from Arden 2418Who sucked off a man in a garden. 2419 He said, "My dear Flo, 2420 Where does all that stuff go?" 2421And she said, "[Swallow hard] I beg pardon?" 2422% 2423There once was a yokel of Beaconsfield 2424Engaged to look after the deacon's field, 2425 But he lurked in the ditches 2426 And diddled the bitches 2427Who happened to cross that antique 'un's field. 2428% 2429There once was a young fellow named Blaine, 2430And he screwed some disgusting old jane. 2431 She was ugly and smelly, 2432 With an awful pot-belly, 2433But... well, they were caught in the rain. 2434% 2435There once was a young girl from Natches 2436Who chanced to be born with two snatches 2437 She often said, "Shit! 2438 I'd give either tit 2439For a guy with equipment that matches." 2440% 2441There once was a young man from Boston 2442Who drove around town in an Austin, 2443 There was room for his ass, 2444 And a gallon of gas, 2445So he hung out his balls and he lost 'em. 2446% 2447There once was a young man from France 2448Who waited ten years for his chance; 2449Then he muffed it... 2450% 2451There once was a young man from Yuma 2452Who attempted sex with a puma 2453 He gave up real quick 2454 Minus nose, toes, and prick 2455In obvious pain and ill huma. 2456% 2457There once was a young man from Yuma, 2458Who told an elephant joke to a puma. 2459 Now his dry bleached bones lie, 2460 Under hot Asian skies, 2461'Cause the puma had no sense of huma. 2462% 2463There once was a young man named Clyde 2464Who fell in an outhouse, and died. 2465 He had a twin brother 2466 Who fell in another 2467And now they're interred side by side. 2468% 2469There once was a young man named Gene, 2470Who invented a screwing machine. 2471 Concave and convex, 2472 It served either sex, 2473And it played with itself inbetween. 2474% 2475There once was a young man named Lancelot 2476Whom the townsfolk would look at askance a lot 2477 For when he should pass 2478 A desirable lass 2479The front of his pants would advance a lot. 2480% 2481There once was an Arpanet freak, 2482Who better response-time did seek. 2483 He searched coast to coast, 2484 For a reliable host, 2485Whose logger took less than a week. 2486% 2487There once was an old man from Esser, 2488Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser. 2489 It at last grew so small, 2490 He knew nothing at all, 2491And now he's a College Professor. 2492% 2493There once were two brothers named Luntz 2494Who buggered each other at once. 2495 When asked to account 2496 For this intricate mount, 2497They said, "Ass-holes are tighter than cunts." 2498% 2499There once were two women from Birmingham. 2500And this is the story concerning 'em. 2501 They lifted the frock 2502 And fondled the cock 2503Of the bishop as he was confirming 'em. 2504% 2505There was a bluestocking in Florence 2506Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents, 2507 Till a Spanish grandee, 2508 Got her off with his knee, 2509And she burned all her works with abhorrence. 2510% 2511There was a family named Doe, 2512An ideal family to know. 2513 As father screwed mother, 2514 She said, "You're heavier than brother." 2515And he said, "Yes, Sis told me so!" 2516% 2517There was a fat lady of China 2518Who'd a really enormous vagina, 2519 And when she was dead 2520 They painted it red, 2521And used it for docking a liner. 2522% 2523There was a fat man from Rangoon 2524Whose prick was much like a ballon. 2525 He tried hard to ride her 2526 And when finally inside her 2527She thought she was pregnant too soon. 2528% 2529There was a gay countess of Bray, 2530And you may think it odd when I say, 2531 That in spite of high station, 2532 Rank and education, 2533She always spelled cunt with a 'k'. 2534% 2535There was a gay countess of Bray, 2536And you may think it odd when I say, 2537 That in spite of high station, 2538 Rank and education, 2539She always spelled cunt with a 'k'. 2540% 2541There was a gay dog from Ontario 2542Who fancied himself a Lothario. 2543 At a wench's glance 2544 He'd snatch off his pants 2545And make for her Mons Venerio. 2546% 2547There was a gay parson of Norton 2548Whose prick, although thick, was a short 'un. 2549 To make up for this loss, 2550 He had balls like a horse, 2551And never spent less than a quartern. 2552% 2553There was a gay parson of Tooting 2554Whose roe he was frequently shooting, 2555 Till he married a lass 2556 With a face like my arse, 2557And a cunt you could put a top-boot in. 2558% 2559There was a girl from Aberystwyth 2560Who brought grain to the mill to get grist with. 2561 The miller's son Jack 2562 Laid her flat on her back 2563And united the organs they pissed with. 2564% 2565There was a lewd fellow named Duff 2566Who loved to dive deep in the muff. 2567 With his head in a whirl 2568 He said, "Spread it, Pearl; 2569I cunt get enough of the stuff!" 2570% 2571There was a man from Mich. 2572Who used to wish and wich. 2573 That spring would come 2574 So he could bum 2575Around and go out fich. 2576% 2577There was a pianist named Liszt 2578Who played with one hand while he pissed, 2579 But as he grew older 2580 His technique grew bolder, 2581And in concert jacked off with his fist. 2582% 2583There was a poor parson from Goring, 2584Who made a small hole in his flooring, 2585 Fur-lined it all round, 2586 Then laid on the ground, 2587And declared it was cheaper than whoring. 2588% 2589There was a strong man of Drumrig 2590Who one day did seven times frig. 2591 He buggered three sailors, 2592 Four dogs and two tailors, 2593And ended by fucking a pig. 2594% 2595There was a teenager named Donna 2596Who never said, "No, I don't wanna." 2597 Two days out of three 2598 She would shoot LSD, 2599And on weekends she smoked marijuana. 2600% 2601There was a young belle of old Natchez 2602Whose garments were always in patchez. 2603 When comment arose 2604 On the state of her clothes 2605She, drawled, "When ah itchez, ah scratchez." 2606% 2607There was a young blade from South Greece 2608Whose bush did so greatly increase 2609 That before he could shack 2610 He must hunt needle in stack. 2611'Twas as bad as being obese. 2612% 2613There was a young bride, a Canuck, 2614Told her husband, "Let's do more than suck. 2615 You say that I, maybe, 2616 Can have my first baby-- 2617Let's give up this Frenchin' and fuck!" 2618% 2619There was a young bride of Antigua 2620Whose husband said, "Dear me, how big you are!" 2621 Said the girl, "What damn'd rot! 2622 Why, you've only felt my twot, 2623My legs and my arse and my figua!" 2624% 2625There was a young chap in Arabia 2626Who courted a widow named Fabia. 2627 "Yes, my tongue is as long 2628 As the average man's dong," 2629He said, licking the lips of her labia. 2630% 2631There was a young cook with the art 2632Of making a delicious tart 2633 With a handful of shit, 2634 Some snot and some spit, 2635And he'd flavor the whole with a fart. 2636% 2637There was a young curate whose brain 2638Was deranged from the use of cocaine; 2639 He lured a small child 2640 To a copse dark and wild, 2641Where he beat it to death with his cane. 2642 -- Edward Gorey 2643% 2644There was a young damsel named Baker 2645Who was poked in a pew by a Quaker. 2646 He yelled, "My God! what 2647 Do you call this -- a twat? 2648Why, the entrance is more than an acre!" 2649% 2650There was a young dolly named Molly 2651Who thought that to frig was a folly. 2652 Said she, "Your pee-pee 2653 Means nothing to me, 2654But I'll do it just to be jolly." 2655% 2656There was a young fellow called Clyde 2657Who fell in an outhouse and died. 2658 He had a twin brother 2659 Who fell in another 2660So now they're interred side by side. 2661% 2662There was a young fellow from Cal., 2663In bed with a passionate gal. 2664 He leapt from the bed, 2665 To the toilet he sped; 2666Said the gal, "What about me, old pal?" 2667% 2668There was a young fellow from Florida 2669Who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her. 2670 When they got into bed 2671 He cried, "God strike me dead! 2672This ain't a cunt -- it's a corridor!" 2673% 2674There was a young fellow from Kent 2675Whose cock was so long that it bent 2676 To save himself trouble 2677 He put it in double 2678And instead of coming, he went. 2679% 2680There was a young fellow from Leeds 2681Who swallowed a package of seeds. 2682 Great tufts of grass 2683 Sprouted out of his ass 2684And his balls were all covered with weeds. 2685% 2686There was a young fellow from Parma 2687Who was solemnly screwing his charmer. 2688 Said the damsel demure, 2689 "You'll excuse me, I'm sure, 2690But I must say you fuck like a farmer." 2691% 2692There was a young fellow name Tucker 2693Who, instructing a novice cock-sucker, 2694 Said, "Don't bow out your lips 2695 Like an elephant's hips, 2696The boys like it best when they pucker." 2697% 2698There was a young fellow named Ades 2699Whose favorite fruit was young maids. 2700 But sheep, nigger boys, whores, 2701 And the knot holes in doors 2702Were by no means exempt from his raids. 2703% 2704There was a young fellow named Babbitt 2705Who could screw nine times like a rabbit, 2706 But a girl from Johore 2707 Could do it twice more, 2708Which was just enough extra to crab it. 2709% 2710There was a young fellow named Bill, 2711Who took an atomic pill, 2712 His navel corroded, 2713 His asshole exploded, 2714And they found his nuts in Brazil. 2715% 2716There was a young fellow named Blaine, 2717And he screwed some disgusting old jane. 2718 She was ugly and smelly 2719 With an awful pot-belly, 2720But... well, they were caught in the rain. 2721% 2722There was a young fellow named Bliss 2723Whose sex life was strangely amiss, 2724 For even with Venus 2725 His recalcitrant penis 2726Would never do better than t 2727 h 2728 i 2729 s 2730 . 2731% 2732There was a young fellow named Bowen 2733Whose pecker kept growin' and growin'. 2734 It grew so tremendous, 2735 So long and so pendulous, 2736'Twas no good for fuckin' -- just showin'. 2737% 2738There was a young fellow named Brewer 2739Whose girl made her home in a sewer. 2740 Thus he, the poor soul, 2741 Could get into her hole, 2742And still not be able to screw her! 2743% 2744There was a young fellow named Case 2745Who entered a cunt-lapping race. 2746 He licked his way clean 2747 Through Number thirteen, 2748But then slipped and got pissed in the face. 2749% 2750There was a young fellow named Charteris 2751Put his hand where his young lady's garter is. 2752 Said she, "I don't mind, 2753 And higher up you'll find 2754The place where my fucker and farter is." 2755% 2756There was a young fellow named Cribbs 2757Whose cock was so big it had ribs. 2758 They were inches apart, 2759 And to suck it took art, 2760While to fuck it took forty-two trips. 2761% 2762There was a young fellow named dick 2763Who had a magnificent prick. 2764 It was shaped like a prism 2765 And shot so much gism 2766It made every cocksucker sick. 2767% 2768There was a young fellow named Feeney 2769Whose girl was a terrible meany. 2770 The hatch of her snatch 2771 Had a catch that would latch 2772- She could only be screwed by Houdini. 2773% 2774There was a young fellow named Fletcher, 2775Was reputed an infamous lecher. 2776 When he'd take on a whore 2777 She'd need a rebore, 2778And they'd carry him out on a stretcher. 2779% 2780There was a young fellow named Fyfe 2781Whose marriage was ruined for life, 2782 For he had an aversion 2783 To every perversion, 2784And only liked fucking his wife. 2785 2786Well, one year the poor woman struck, 2787And she wept, and she cursed at her luck, 2788 And said, "Where have you gotten us 2789 With your goddamn monotonous 2790Fuck after fuck after fuck? 2791 2792"I once knew a harlot named Lou -- 2793And a versatile girl she was, too. 2794 After ten years of whoredom 2795 She perished of boredom 2796When she married a jackass like you!" 2797% 2798There was a young fellow named Gene 2799Who first picked his asshole quite clean. 2800 He next picked his toes, 2801 And lastly his nose, 2802And he never did wash in between. 2803% 2804There was a young fellow named Gluck 2805Who found himself shit out of luck. 2806 Though he petted and wooed, 2807 When he tried to get screwed 2808He found virgins just don't give a fuck. 2809% 2810There was a young fellow named Goody 2811Who claimed that he wouldn't, but would he? 2812 If he found himself nude 2813 With a gal in the mood 2814The question's not woody but could he? 2815% 2816There was a young fellow named Grant 2817Who was made like the sensitive plant. 2818 When they asked "Do you fuck?" 2819 He replied, "No such luck. 2820I would if I could, but I can't." 2821% 2822There was a young fellow named Grimes 2823Who fucked his girl seventeen times 2824 In the course of a week -- 2825 And this isn't to speak 2826Of assorted venereal crimes. 2827% 2828There was a young fellow named Harry, 2829Had a joint that was long, huge and scary. 2830 He grabbed him a virgin, 2831 Who, without any urgin', 2832Immediately spread like a fairy. 2833% 2834There was a young fellow named Hatch 2835Who was fond of the music of Bach. 2836 He said: "It's not fussy 2837 Like Brahms and Debussy; 2838Sit down, and I'll play you a snatch." 2839% 2840There was a young fellow named Kimble 2841Whose prick was exceedingly nimble, 2842 But fragile and slender, 2843 And dainty and tender, 2844So he kept it encased in a thimble. 2845% 2846There was a young fellow named Meek 2847Who invented a lingual technique. 2848 It drove women frantic, 2849 And made them romantic, 2850And wore all the hair off his cheek. 2851% 2852There was a young fellow named Morgan 2853Who possessed an unusual organ: 2854 The end of his dong, 2855 Which was nine inches long, 2856Was tipped with the head of a gorgon. 2857% 2858There was a young fellow named Paul 2859Who confessed, "I have only one ball. 2860 But the size of my prick 2861 Is God's dirtiest trick, 2862For my girls always ask, 'Is that all?'" 2863% 2864There was a young fellow named Pell 2865Who didn't like cunt very well. 2866 He would finger or fuck one, 2867 But never would suck one-- 2868He just couldn't get used to the smell. 2869% 2870There was a young fellow named Price 2871Who dabbled in all sorts of vice. 2872 He had virgins and boys 2873 And mechanical toys, 2874And on Mondays... he meddled with mice! 2875% 2876There was a young fellow named Prynne 2877Whose prick was so short and so thin, 2878 His wife found she needed 2879 A Fuckoscope -- she did -- 2880To see if he'd gotten it in. 2881% 2882There was a young fellow named Skinner 2883Who took a young lady to dinner 2884 At a quarter to nine, 2885 They sat down to dine, 2886At twenty to ten it was in her. 2887The dinner, not Skinner -- Skinner was in her before dinner. 2888 2889There was a young fellow named Tupper 2890Who took a young lady to supper. 2891 At a quarter to nine, 2892 They sat down to dine, 2893And at twenty to ten it was up her. 2894Not the supper -- not Tupper -- It was some son-of-a-bitch named Skinner! 2895% 2896There was a young fellow named Sweeney, 2897Whose girl was a terrible meanie, 2898 The hatch of her snatch, 2899 Had a catch that would latch, 2900She could only be screwed by Houdini. 2901% 2902There was a young fellow of Burma 2903Whose betrothed had good reason to murmur. 2904 But now that he's married he's 2905 Been using cantharides 2906And the root of their love is much firmer. 2907% 2908There was a young fellow of Greenwich 2909Whose balls were all covered with spinach. 2910 He had such a tool 2911 It was wound on a spool, 2912And he reeled it out inich by inich. 2913 2914But this tale has an unhappy finich, 2915For due to the sand in the spinach 2916 His ballocks grew rough 2917 And wrecked his wife's muff, 2918And scratched up her thatch in the scrimmage. 2919% 2920There was a young fellow of Harrow 2921Whose john was the size of a marrow. 2922 He said to his tart, 2923 "How's this for a start? 2924My balls are outside in a barrow." 2925% 2926There was a young fellow of Kent 2927Whose prick was so long that it bent, 2928 So to save himself trouble 2929 He put it in double, 2930And instead of coming he went. 2931% 2932There was a young fellow of Mayence 2933Who fucked his own arse in defiance 2934 Not only of custom 2935 And morals, dad-bust him, 2936But of most of the known laws of science. 2937% 2938There was a young fellow of Perth 2939Whose balls were the finest on earth. 2940 They grew to such size 2941 That one won a prize, 2942And goodness knows what they were worth. 2943% 2944There was a young fellow of Strensall 2945Whose prick was as sharp as a pencil. 2946 On the night of his wedding 2947 It went through the bedding, 2948And shattered the chamber utensil. 2949% 2950There was a young fellow of Warwick 2951Who had reason for feeling euphoric, 2952 For he could by election 2953 Have triune erection: 2954Ionic, Corinthian, and Doric. 2955% 2956There was a young fellow whose dong 2957Was prodigiously massive and long. 2958 On each side of his whang 2959 Two testes did hang 2960That attracted a curious throng. 2961% 2962There was a young gaucho named Bruno 2963Who said, "Screwing is one thing I do know. 2964 A woman is fine, 2965 And a sheep is divine, 2966But a llama is Numero Uno." 2967% 2968There was a young gaucho named Bruno 2969Who said, "There is one thing I do know, 2970 Women are fine 2971 And children devine, 2972But the llama is numero uno." 2973% 2974There was a young German named Ringer 2975Who was screwing an opera singer. 2976 Said he with a grin, 2977 "Well, I've sure got it in!" 2978Said she, "You mean that ain't your finger?" 2979% 2980There was a young girl from Annista 2981Who dated a lecherous mister. 2982 He fondled her titty, 2983 Got one finger shitty, 2984Then screwed up his courage and kissed 'er. 2985% 2986There was a young girl from Decatur 2987Who was raped by an alligator. 2988 But no one quite knew 2989 How she relished that screw, 2990For after he screwed her, he ate her. 2991% 2992There was a young girl from Dundee, 2993From her fanny there grew a plum tree. 2994 No one ate the nice fruit, 2995 To tell you the truth, 2996Because they knew it came from her tooty-toot-toot. 2997% 2998There was a young girl from East Lynn 2999Whose mother ( to save her from sin ) 3000 Had filled up her crack 3001 With hard-setting shellac, 3002But the boys picked it out with a pin. 3003% 3004There was a young girl from Hong Kong 3005Who said, "You are utterly wrong 3006 To say my vagina 3007 Is the largest in China 3008Just because of your mean little dong." 3009% 3010There was a young girl from Hong Kong 3011Whose cervical cap was a gong. 3012 She said with a yell, 3013 As a shot rang her bell, 3014"I'll give you a ding for a dong!" 3015% 3016There was a young girl from Medina 3017Who could completely control her vagina. 3018 She could twist it around 3019 Like the cunts that are found 3020In Japan, Manchukuo and China. 3021% 3022There was a young girl from New York 3023Who plugged up her cunt with a cork. 3024 A woodpecker or two 3025 Made the grade it is true, 3026But it totally baffled the stork. 3027 3028Till along came a man who presented 3029A tool that was strangely indented. 3030 With a dizzying twirl 3031 He punctured that girl, 3032And thus was the cork-screw invented. 3033% 3034There was a young girl from New York 3035Who plugged up her quim with a cork 3036 A woodpecker or two 3037 Made the grade, it is true, 3038But it totally baffled the stork. 3039% 3040There was a young girl from Peru, 3041Who had nothing whatever to do. 3042 So she sat on the stairs, 3043 And counted cunt hairs, 3044Four thousand, three hundred and two. 3045% 3046There was a young girl from Peru, 3047Who noticed her lovers were few; 3048 So she walked out her door 3049 With a fig leaf, no more, 3050And now she's in bed - with the flu. 3051% 3052There was a young girl from Samoa 3053Who pledged that no man would know her. 3054 One young fellow tried, 3055 But she wriggled aside, 3056And he spilled all his spermatozoa. 3057% 3058There was a young girl from Seattle, 3059Whose hobby was sucking off cattle. 3060 But a bull from the South 3061 Shot a wad in her mouth 3062That made both her ovaries rattle. 3063% 3064There was a young girl from Siam 3065Who said to her boyfriend Priam, 3066 "To seduce me, of course, 3067 You'll have to use force, 3068And thank goodness you're stronger than I am. 3069% 3070There was a young girl from St. Cyr 3071Whose reflex reactions were queer. 3072 Her escort said, "Mable, 3073 Get up off the table; 3074That money's to pay for the beer." 3075% 3076There was a young girl from St. Paul 3077Who went to a newspaper ball. 3078 Her dress caught on fire 3079 And burnt her entire 3080Front page and sport section and all. 3081% 3082There was a young girl from the Bronix 3083Who had a vagina of onyx. 3084 She had so much `tsoris' 3085 With her clitoris, 3086She traded it in for a Packard. 3087% 3088There was a young girl from the coast 3089Who, just when she needed it most, 3090 Lost her Kotex and bled 3091 All over the bed, 3092And the head and the beard of her host. 3093% 3094There was a young girl in Berlin 3095Who eked out a living through sin. 3096 She didn't mind fucking, 3097 But much preferred sucking, 3098And she'd wipe off the pricks on her chin. 3099% 3100There was a young girl in Berlin 3101Who was fucked by an elderly Finn. 3102 Though he diddled his best, 3103 And fucked her with zest, 3104She kept asking, "Hey, Pop, is it in?" 3105% 3106There was a young girl in Dakota 3107Had a letter from Ickes; he wrote her: 3108 "In addition to gas 3109 We are rationing ass, 3110And you've greatly exceeded your quota." 3111% 3112There was a young girl name McKnight 3113Who got drunk with her boy-friend one night. 3114 She came to in bed, 3115 With a split maidenhead-- 3116That's the last time she ever was tight. 3117% 3118There was a young girl named Ann Heuser 3119Who swore that no man could surprise her. 3120 But Pabst took a chance, 3121 Found a Schlitz in her pants, 3122And now she is sadder Budweiser. 3123% 3124There was a young girl named Heather 3125Whose twitcher was made out of leather. 3126 She made a queer noise, 3127 Which attracted the boys, 3128By flapping the edges together. 3129% 3130There was a young girl named McCall 3131Whose cunt was exceedingly small, 3132 But the size of her anus 3133 Was something quite heinous -- 3134It could hold seven pricks and one ball. 3135% 3136There was a young girl named O'Clare 3137Whose body was covered with hair. 3138 It was really quite fun 3139 To probe with one's gun, 3140For her quimmy might be anywhere. 3141% 3142There was a young girl named O'Malley 3143Who wanted to dance in the ballet. 3144 She got roars of applause 3145 When she kicked off her drawers, 3146But her hair and her bush didn't tally. 3147% 3148There was a young girl named Saphire 3149Who succumbed to her lovers desire. 3150 She said, "It's a sin, 3151 But now that it's in, 3152Could you shove it a few inches higher?" 3153% 3154There was a young girl named Sapphire 3155Who succumbed to her lover's desire. 3156 She said, "It's a sin, 3157 But now that it's in, 3158Could you shove it a few inches higher?" 3159% 3160There was a young girl of Aberystwyth 3161Who screwed every man that she kissed with. 3162 She tickled the balls 3163 Of the men in the halls, 3164And pulled on the prongs that they pissed with. 3165% 3166There was a young girl of Aberystwyth 3167Who took grain to the mill to get grist with. 3168 The miller's sun, Jack, 3169 Laid her flat on her back, 3170And united the organs they pissed with. 3171% 3172There was a young girl of Angina 3173Who stretched catgut across her vagina. 3174 From the love-making frock 3175 (With the proper sized cock) 3176Came Toccata and Fugue in D minor. 3177% 3178There was a young girl of Asturias 3179With a penchant for practices curious. 3180 She loved to bat rocks 3181 With her gentlemen's cocks -- 3182A practice both rude and injurious. 3183% 3184There was a young girl of Batonger 3185who diddled herself with a conger, 3186 When asked how it feels 3187 To be pleasured by eels 3188She said, "Just like a man, only longer. 3189% 3190There was a young girl of Cah'lina, 3191Had a very capricious vagina: 3192 To the shock of the fucker 3193 "Twould suddenly pucker, 3194And whistle the chorus of "Dinah." 3195% 3196There was a young girl of Cape Cod 3197Who dreamt she'd been buggered by God. 3198 But it wasn't Jehovah 3199 That turned the girl over, 3200'Twas Roger the lodger, the dirty old codger, 3201 the bugger, the bastard, the sod! 3202% 3203There was a young girl of Cape Town 3204Who usually fucked with a clown. 3205 He taught her the trick 3206 Of sucking his prick, 3207And when it went up -- she went down. 3208% 3209There was a young girl of Coxsaxie 3210Whose skirt was more mini than maxi. 3211 She was fucked at the show 3212 In the twenty-third row, 3213And once more going home in the taxi. 3214% 3215There was a young girl of Darjeeling 3216Who could dance with such exquisite feeling 3217 There was never a sound 3218 For miles around 3219Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling. 3220% 3221There was a young girl of Des Moines 3222Whose cunt could be fitted with coins, 3223 Till a guy from Hoboken 3224 Went and dropped in a token, 3225And now she rides free on the ferry. 3226% 3227There was a young girl of Detroit 3228Who at fucking was very adroit: 3229 She could squeeze her vagina 3230 To a pin-point, or finer, 3231Or open it out like a quoit. 3232 3233And she had a friend named Durand 3234Whose cock could contract or expand. 3235 He could diddle a midge 3236 Or the arch of a bridge -- 3237Their performance together was grand! 3238% 3239There was a young girl of East Lynne 3240Whose mother, to save her from sin, 3241 Had filled up her crack, 3242 To the brim with shellac, 3243But the boys picked it out with a pin. 3244% 3245There was a young girl of Gibraltar 3246Who was raped as she knelt at the altar. 3247 It really seems odd 3248 That a virtuous God 3249Should answer her prayers and assault her. 3250% 3251There was a young girl of LLewellyn 3252Whose breasts were as big as a melon. 3253 They were big it is true, 3254 But her cunt was big too, 3255Like a bifocal, full-color, aerial view 3256Of Cape Horn and the Straits of Magellan. 3257% 3258There was a young girl of Mobile, 3259Who hymen was made of chilled steel, 3260 To give her a thrill, 3261 Took a rotary drill, 3262Or a number nine emery wheel. 3263% 3264There was a young girl of Moline 3265Whose fucking was sweet and obscene. 3266 She would work on a prick 3267 With every known trick, 3268And finish by winking it clean. 3269% 3270There was a young girl of Newcastle 3271Whose charms were declared universal. 3272 While one man in front 3273 Wired into her cunt, 3274Another was engaged at her arsehole. 3275% 3276There was a young girl of Pawtucket 3277Whose box was as big as a bucket. 3278 Her boy-friend said, "Toots, 3279 I'll have to wear boots, 3280For I see I must muck it, not fuck it." 3281% 3282There was a young girl of Penzance 3283Who boarded a bus in a trance. 3284 The passengers fucked her, 3285 Likewise the conductor, 3286While the driver shot off in his pants. 3287% 3288There was a young girl of Pitlochry 3289Who was had by a man in a rockery. 3290 She said, "Oh! You've come 3291 All over my bum; 3292This isn't a fuck -- it's a mockery." 3293% 3294There was a young girl of Rangoon 3295Who was blocked by the Man in the Moon. 3296 "Well, it has been great fun," 3297 She remarked when he'd done, 3298"But I'm sorry you came quite so soon." 3299% 3300There was a young girl of Spitzbergen, 3301Whose people all thought her a virgin, 3302 Till they found her in bed 3303 With her twat very red, 3304And the head of a kid just emergin'. 3305% 3306There was a young girl, very sweet, 3307Who thought sailors' meat quite a treat. 3308 When she sat on their lap 3309 She unbuttoned their flap, 3310And always had plenty to eat. 3311% 3312There was a young girl who begat 3313Three babies named Nat, Pat and Tat. 3314 T'was fun in the breeding 3315 But hell in the feeding 3316When she found there's no tit for Tat. 3317% 3318There was a young girl who begat 3319Three brats, by name Nat, Pat, and Tat. 3320 It was fun in the breeding, 3321 But hell in the feeding, 3322When she found there was no tit for Tat. 3323% 3324There was a young harlot from Kew 3325Who filled her vagina with glue. 3326 She said with a grin, 3327 "If they pay to get in, 3328They'll pay to get out of it too." 3329% 3330There was a young harlot named Schwartz 3331Whose cock-pit was studded with warts, 3332 And they tickled so nice 3333 She drew a high price 3334From the studs at the summer resorts. 3335 3336Her pimp, a young fellow named Biddle, 3337Was seldom hard up for a diddle, 3338 For according to rumor 3339 His tool had a tumor 3340And a fine row of warts down the middle. 3341% 3342There was a young hayseed from Tiffan 3343Whose cock would constantly stiffen. 3344 The knob out in front 3345 Attracted foul cunt 3346Which he greatly delighted in sniffin'. 3347% 3348There was a young idler named Blood, 3349Made a fortune performing at stud, 3350 With a fifteen-inch peter, 3351 A double-beat metre, 3352And a load like the Biblical Flood. 3353% 3354There was a young Jew of Far Rockaway 3355Whose screams could be heard for a block away. 3356 Perceiving his error, 3357 The Rabbi in terror 3358Cried, "God! I have cut his whole cock away!" 3359% 3360There was a young lad - name of Durcan 3361Who was always jerkin' his gherkin. 3362 His father said, "Durcan 3363 Stop jerkin' your gherkin 3364Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'. 3365% 3366There was a young lad from Nahant 3367Who was made like the Sensitve Plant. 3368 When asked, "Do you fuck?" 3369 He replied, "No such luck. 3370I would if I could but I can't." 3371% 3372There was a young lad from Siam, 3373Whose sexlife was caught in a jam. 3374 He loved them real small, 3375 'Cause they're funner to ball, 3376So he went out and bought him a lamb! 3377% 3378There was a young lad name of Durcan 3379Who was always jerkin' his gherkin. 3380 His father said, "Durcan! 3381 Stop jerkin' your gherkin! 3382Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'. 3383% 3384There was a young lad name of Ward 3385Who strung himself up with a cord 3386 Said he, of his work 3387 (Ere the rope snapped with a jerk) 3388"I am leaving because I am bored." 3389 - E.A. Guest 3390% 3391There was a young lad named McFee 3392Who was stung in the balls by a bee 3393 He made oodles of money 3394 By oozing pure honey 3395Every time he attempted to pee. 3396% 3397There was a young lady at sea 3398Who complained that it hurt her to pee. 3399 Said the brawny old mate, 3400 "That accounts for the state 3401Of the cook and the captain and me." 3402% 3403There was a young lady at sea 3404Who said, "God, how it hurts me to pee." 3405 "I see," said the mate, 3406 "That accounts for the state 3407Of the captain, the purser, and me." 3408% 3409There was a young lady called Ciss 3410Who went to the river to piss. 3411 A young man in a punt 3412 Put his hand on her cunt; 3413No wonder she thought it was bliss. 3414% 3415There was a young lady from Bangor 3416Who slept while the ship lay at anchor 3417 She woke in dismay 3418 When she heard the mate say: 3419"Let's lift up the topsheet and spanker!" 3420% 3421There was a young lady from Bright, 3422Whose speed was much faster than light. 3423 She went out one day 3424 In a relative way 3425And returned on the previous night. 3426% 3427There was a young lady from Bristol 3428Who went to the Palace called Crystal. 3429 Said she, "It's all glass, 3430 And as round as my ass," 3431And she farted as loud as a pistol. 3432% 3433There was a young lady from Brussels 3434Who was proud of her vaginal muscles. 3435 She could easily plex them 3436 And so interflex them 3437As to whistle love songs through her bustles. 3438% 3439There was a young lady from Drew 3440Who ended her verse at line two. 3441% 3442There was a young lady from Dumfries 3443Who said to her boyfriend, "It's some freeze! 3444 My navel's all bare, 3445 So stick it in there, 3446Before both my legs and my bum freeze." 3447% 3448There was a young lady from Exeter, 3449So pretty that men craned their necks at her. 3450 One was even so brave 3451 As to take out and wave 3452The distinguishing mark of his sex at her. 3453% 3454There was a young lady from Hyde 3455Who ate a green apple and died. 3456 While her lover lamented 3457 The apple fermented 3458And made cider inside her inside. 3459% 3460There was a young lady from Maine 3461Who claimed she had men on her brain. 3462 But you knew from the view, 3463 As her abdomen grew, 3464It was not on her brain that he'd lain. 3465% 3466There was a young lady from Munich 3467Who had an affair with a eunuch. 3468 At the height of their passion 3469 He dealt her a ration 3470% 3471There was a young lady from Munich 3472Who had an affair with a eunuch. 3473 At the height of their passion 3474 He dealt her a ration 3475From a squirt gun concealed in his tunic. 3476% 3477There was a young lady from Norway 3478Who hung by her heels in a doorway. 3479 She told her young man, 3480 "Get off the divan, 3481I think I've discovered one more way " 3482% 3483There was a young lady from Prentice 3484Who had an affair with a dentist. 3485 To make things easier 3486 He used anesthesia, 3487And diddled her, `non compos mentis'. 3488% 3489There was a young lady from Rheims 3490Who amazingly pissed in four streams. 3491 A friend poked around 3492 And a fly-button found 3493Lodged tight in her hole so it seems. 3494% 3495There was a young lady from Rio 3496Who slept with the Fornier trio. 3497 As she dropped her panties 3498 She said, "No andanties 3499I want this allegro con brio." 3500% 3501There was a young lady from Siam 3502Who said to her lover, one Kiam, 3503 "You may kiss me of course, 3504 But you'll have to use force. 3505Though god knows you're stronger than I am." 3506% 3507There was a young lady from Spain 3508Who demurely undressed on a train. 3509 A helpful young porter 3510 Helped more than he orter, 3511And she promptly cried "Help me again" 3512% 3513There was a young lady from Spain 3514Who got sick as she rode on a train; 3515 Not once, but again, 3516 And again, and again, 3517And again, and again, and again. 3518% 3519There was a young lady from Spain 3520Whose face was exceedingly plain, 3521 But her cunt had a pucker 3522 That made the men fuck her, 3523Again, and again, and again. 3524% 3525There was a young lady from Troy 3526Had a moustache, just like a young boy 3527 Though it tickled to kiss 3528 'Twas a source of much bliss 3529When she used it to brush a man's toy. 3530% 3531There was a young lady from Wheeling 3532Who claimed to lack sexual feeling. 3533 But a cynic named Boris 3534 Just touched her clitoris 3535And she had to be scraped off the ceiling. 3536% 3537There was a young lady from Wheeling 3538Who had a peculiar feeling. 3539 She laid on her back 3540 And tickled her crack 3541And pissed all over the ceiling. 3542% 3543There was a young lady from Wooster 3544Who complained that too many men gooster. 3545 So she traded her scanties 3546 For sandpaper panties, 3547Now they goose her much less than they used 'ter. 3548% 3549There was a young lady in Reno, 3550Who lost all her dough playing Keno. 3551 But she lay on her back, 3552 And opened her crack, 3553So now she owns the Casino! 3554% 3555There was a young lady named Alice 3556Who was known to have peed in a chalice. 3557 'Twas the common belief 3558 It was done for relief, 3559And not out of protestant malice. 3560% 3561There was a young lady named Astor 3562Who never let any get past her. 3563 She finally got plenty 3564 By stopping twenty, 3565Which certainly ought to last her. 3566% 3567There was a young lady named Banker, 3568Who slept while the ship lay at anchor, 3569 She woke in dismay, 3570 When she heard the mate say, 3571"Now hoist up the topsheet and spanker." 3572% 3573There was a young lady named Blount 3574Who had a rectangular cunt. 3575 She learned for diversion 3576 Posterior perversion, 3577Since no one could fit here in front. 3578% 3579There was a young lady named Bower 3580Who dwelt in an Ivory Tower. 3581 But a poet from Perth 3582 Laid her flat on the earth, 3583And proceeded with penis to plough her. 3584% 3585There was a young lady named Brent 3586With a cunt of enormous extent, 3587 And so deep and so wide, 3588 The acoustics inside 3589Were so good you could hear when you spent. 3590% 3591There was a young lady named Bright 3592Who could travel much faster than light. 3593 She took off one day, 3594 In a relative way, 3595And returned on the previous night. 3596% 3597There was a young lady named Brook 3598Who never could learn how to cook. 3599 But on a divan 3600 She could please any man- 3601She knew every darn trick in the book! 3602% 3603There was a young lady named Cager 3604Who, as the result of a wager, 3605 Consented to fart 3606 The entire oboe part 3607Of Mozart's quartet in F major. 3608% 3609There was a young lady named Ciss 3610Who said, "I think skating's a bliss " 3611 But she'll never restate, 3612 For a wheel off her skate 3613.siht ekil gnihtemos pu hsinif reh edaM 3614% 3615There was a young lady named Clair 3616Who possessed a magnificent pair; 3617 At least so I thought 3618 Till I saw one get caught 3619On a thorn, and begin losing air. 3620% 3621There was a young lady named Dot 3622Whose cunt was so terribly hot 3623 That ten bishops of Rome 3624 And the Pope's private gnome 3625Failed to quench her Vesuvial twat. 3626% 3627There was a young lady named Duff 3628With a lovely, luxuriant muff. 3629 In his haste to get in her 3630 One eager beginner 3631Lost both of his balls in the rough. 3632% 3633There was a young lady named Etta 3634Who was constantly seen in a swetta. 3635 Three reasons she had: 3636 To keep warm wasn't bad, 3637But the other two reasons were betta. 3638% 3639There was a young lady named Fleager 3640Who was terribly, terribly eager 3641 To be all the rage 3642 On the tragedy stage, 3643Though her talents were pitifully meagre. 3644 -- Edward Gorey 3645% 3646There was a young lady named Flo 3647Whose lover had pulled out too slow. 3648 So they tried it all night, 3649 Till he got it just right... 3650Well, practice makes pregnant, you know. 3651% 3652There was a young lady named Flynn 3653Who thought fornication a sin, 3654 But when she was tight 3655 It seemed quite all right, 3656So everyone filled her with gin. 3657% 3658There was a young lady named Gilda 3659Who went on a date with a builder. 3660 He said that he would, 3661 And he could and he should, 3662And he did and it damn well near killed her. 3663% 3664There was a young lady named Gloria 3665Who was had by Sir Gerald Du Maurier, 3666 And then by six men, 3667 Sir Gerald again, 3668And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria. 3669% 3670There was a young lady named Gloria, 3671Whose boyfriend said, "May I explore ya?" 3672 She replied to the chap, 3673 "I'll draw you a map, 3674Of where others have been to before ya." 3675% 3676There was a young lady named Grace 3677Who would not take a prick in her "place." 3678 Though she'd kiss it and suck it, 3679 She never would fuck it-- 3680She just couldn't relax face-to-face. 3681% 3682There was a young lady named Hall, 3683Wore a newspaper dress to a ball. 3684 The dress caught on fire 3685 And burned her entire 3686Front page, sporting section, and all. 3687% 3688There was a young lady named Hatch 3689Who would always come through in a scratch. 3690 If a guy wouldn't neck her, 3691 She'd grab up his pecker 3692And shove the damn thing up her snatch. 3693% 3694There was a young lady named Mable 3695Who liked to sprawl out on the table, 3696 Then cry to her man, 3697 "Stuff in all you can -- 3698Get your ballocks in, too, if you're able." 3699% 3700There was a young lady named Mandel 3701Who caused quite a neighborhood scandal 3702 By coming out bare 3703 On the main village square 3704And frigging herself with a candle. 3705% 3706There was a young lady named Maud, 3707A terrible society fraud: 3708 In company, I'm told, 3709 She was distant and cold, 3710But if you got her alone, Oh God! 3711% 3712There was a young lady named May 3713Who strolled in a park by the way, 3714 And she met a youg man 3715 Who fucked her and ran -- 3716Now she goes to the park every day. 3717% 3718There was a young lady named Nance 3719Who learned about fucking in France, 3720 And when you'd insert it 3721 She'd squeeze till she hurt it, 3722And shoved it right back in your pants. 3723% 3724There was a young lady named Nelly 3725Whose tits would jiggle like jelly. 3726 They could tickle her twat 3727 Or be tied in a knot, 3728And could even swat flies on her belly. 3729% 3730There was a young lady named Ransom 3731Who was raped three times in a hansom 3732 When she cried out for more 3733 Said a voice from the floor, 3734"My name, ma'am, is Simpson, not Samson 3735% 3736There was a young lady named Ransom 3737Who was rogered three times in a hansom. 3738 When she cried out for more 3739 A voice from the floor 3740Replied, "My name is Simpson, not Samson." 3741% 3742There was a young lady named Riddle 3743Who had an untouchable middle. 3744 She had many friends 3745 Because of her ends, 3746Since it isn't the middle you diddle. 3747% 3748There was a young lady named Rose 3749Who fainted whenever she chose; 3750 She did so one day 3751 While playing croquet, 3752But was quickly revived with a hose. 3753 -- Edward Gorey 3754% 3755There was a young lady named Rose 3756With erogenous zones in her toes. 3757 She remained onanistic 3758 Till a foot-fetishistic 3759Young man became one of her beaux. 3760% 3761There was a young lady named Schneider 3762Who often kept trysts with a spider. 3763 She found a strange bliss, 3764 In the hiss of her piss, 3765As it strained through the cobwebs inside her. 3766% 3767There was a young lady named Smith 3768Whose virtue was largely a myth. 3769 She said, "Try as I can 3770 I can't find a man 3771Who it's fun to be virtuous with." 3772% 3773There was a young lady named Twiss 3774Who said she thought fucking a bliss, 3775 For it tickled her bum 3776 And caused her to come 3777.siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW 3778% 3779There was a young lady named Wylde 3780Who kept herself quite undefiled 3781 By thinking of Jesus; 3782 Contagious diseases; 3783And the bother of having a child. 3784% 3785There was a young lady of Arden, 3786The tool of whose swain wouldn't harden. 3787 Said she with a frown, 3788 "I've been sadly let down 3789By the tool of a fool in a garden." 3790% 3791There was a young lady of Bicester 3792Who was nicer by far than her sister: 3793 The sister would giggle 3794 And wiggle and jiggle, 3795But this one would come if you kissed her. 3796% 3797There was a young lady of Brabant 3798Who slept with an impotent savant. 3799 She admitted, "We shouldn't, 3800 But it turned out he couldn't- 3801So you can't say we have when we haven't." 3802% 3803There was a young lady of Bude 3804Who walked down the street in the nude. 3805 A bobby said, "Whattum 3806 Magnificent bottom!" 3807And slapped it as hard as he could. 3808% 3809There was a young lady of Carmia 3810Whose housekeeping ways would alarm ya. 3811 At every cold snap 3812 She would climb in your lab, 3813So her little base burner could warm ya. 3814% 3815There was a young lady of Dee 3816Who went down to the river to pee. 3817 A man in a punt 3818 Put his hand on her cunt, 3819And God! how I wish it were me. 3820% 3821There was a young lady of Dee 3822Whose hymen was split into three. 3823 And when she was diddled 3824 The middle string fiddled : 3825"Nearer My God To Thee." 3826% 3827There was a young lady of Dexter 3828Whose husband exceedingly vexed her, 3829 For whenever they'd start 3830 He'd unfailingly fart 3831With a blast that damn nearly unsexed her. 3832% 3833There was a young lady of Dover 3834Whose passion was such that it drove her 3835 To cry, when you came, 3836 "Oh dear! What a shame! 3837Well, now we shall have to start over." 3838% 3839There was a young lady of Ealing 3840And her lover before her was kneeling. 3841 Said she, "Dearest Jim, 3842 Take your hands off my quim; 3843I much prefer fucking to feeling." 3844% 3845There was a young lady of fashion 3846Who had oodles and oodles of passion. 3847 To her lover she said, 3848 As they climbed into bed, 3849"Here's one thing the bastards can't ration!" 3850% 3851There was a young lady of Fez 3852Who was known to the public as "Jez." 3853 Jezebel was her name, 3854 Sucking cocks was the game 3855She excelled at (so everyone says). 3856% 3857There was a young lady of Gaza 3858Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor. 3859 The crabs, in a lump, 3860 Made tracks to her rump - 3861This passing parade did amaze her. 3862% 3863There was a young lady of Gaza 3864Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor. 3865 The crabs, in a lump, 3866 Made tracks to her rump - 3867This passing parade did amaze her. 3868% 3869There was a young lady of Gaza 3870Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor. 3871 The crabs, in a lump, 3872 Made tracks to her rump-- 3873This passing parade did amaze her. 3874% 3875There was a young lady of Gloucester, 3876Met a passionate fellow who tossed her. 3877 She wasn't much hurt, 3878 But he dirtied her skirt, 3879So think of the anguish it cost her. 3880% 3881There was a young lady of Gloucester 3882Whose friends they thought they had lost her 3883 Till they found on the grass 3884 The marks of her arse, 3885And the knees of the man who had crossed her. 3886% 3887There was a young lady of Kent, 3888Who admitted she knew what it meant 3889 When men asked her to dine, 3890 And plied her with wine, 3891She knew, oh she knew -- but she went! 3892% 3893There was a young lady of Lee 3894Who scrambled up into a tree, 3895 When she got there 3896 Her arsehole was bare, 3897And so was her C U N T. 3898% 3899There was a young lady of Lincoln 3900Who said that her cunt was a pink'un, 3901 So she had a prick lent her 3902 Which turned it magenta, 3903This artful old lady of Lincoln. 3904% 3905There was a young lady of Natchez 3906Who chanced to be born with two snatches, 3907 And she often said, "Shit! 3908 Why, I'd give either tit 3909For a man with equipment that matches." 3910 3911There was a young fellow named Locke 3912Who was born with a two-headed cock. 3913 When he'd fondle the thing 3914 It would rise up and sing 3915An antiphonal chorus by Bach. 3916 3917But whether these two ever met 3918Has not been recorded as yet, 3919 Still, it would be diverting 3920 To see him inserting 3921His whang while it sang a duet. 3922% 3923There was a young lady of Norway 3924Who hung by her toes in a doorway. 3925 She said to her beau 3926 "Just look at me Joe 3927I think I've discovered one more way." 3928% 3929There was a young lady of Rhyll 3930In an omnibus was taken ill, 3931 So she called the conductor, 3932 Who got in and fucked her, 3933Which did more good than a pill. 3934% 3935There was a young lady of Spain 3936Who took down her pants on a train. 3937 There was a young porter 3938 Saw more than he orter, 3939And asked her to do it again. 3940% 3941There was a young lady of Spain 3942Who was fucked by a monk in a drain. 3943 They did it again 3944 And again and again, 3945And again and again and again. 3946% 3947There was a young lady of Twickenham 3948Who thought men had not enough prick in 'em. 3949 On her knees every day 3950 To God she would pray 3951To lengthen and strengthen and thicken 'em. 3952% 3953There was a young lady of Wheeling 3954Said to her beau, "I've a feeling 3955 My little brown jug 3956 Has need of a plug" -- 3957And straightaway she started to peeling. 3958% 3959There was a young lady of Wheeling 3960Who professed to lack sexual feeling. 3961 But a cynic named Boris 3962 Just touched her clitoris, 3963And she had to be scraped off the ceiling. 3964% 3965There was a young lady who said, 3966As her bridegroom got into the bed, 3967 "I'm tired of this stunt, 3968 That they do with one's cunt, 3969You can get up my bottom instead." 3970% 3971There was a young lady whose cunt 3972Could accomodate a small punt. 3973 Her mother said, "Annie, 3974 It matches your fanny, 3975Which never was that of a runt." 3976% 3977There was a young lady whose thighs, 3978When spread showed a slit of such size, 3979 And so deep and so wide, 3980 You could play cards inside, 3981Much to her bridegroom's surprise. 3982% 3983There was a young lass from Surat. 3984The cheeks of her ass were so fat 3985 That they had to be parted 3986 Whenever she farted, 3987And also whenever she shat. 3988% 3989There was a young lass from Surat. 3990The cheeks of her ass were so fat 3991 That they had to be parted 3992 Whenever she farted, 3993And also whenever she shat. 3994% 3995There was a young laundress named Wrangle 3996Whose tits tilted up at an angle. 3997 "They may tickle my chin," 3998 She said with a grin, 3999"But at least they keep out of the mangle." 4000% 4001There was a young maiden from Osset 4002Whose quim was nine inches across it. 4003 Said a young man named Tong, 4004 With tool nine inches long, 4005"I'll put bugger-in if I loss it." 4006% 4007There was a young man from Bear Ridge 4008Who had strange ideas about marriage. 4009 He fucked his wife's mother 4010 And sucked off her brother 4011And ate up her sister's miscarriage. 4012% 4013There was a young man from Bel-Aire 4014Who was screwing his girl on the stair. 4015 But the banister broke 4016 So he doubled his stroke 4017And finished her off in mid-air. 4018% 4019There was a young man from Bengal 4020Who claimed he had only one ball, 4021 But two little bitches 4022 Pulled down this man's breeches 4023And proved he had nothing at all. 4024% 4025There was a young man from Biloxi 4026Whose bowels responded to Moxie. 4027 Drinking glass after glass, 4028 He would tune up his ass, 4029Till he played like the band at the Roxy. 4030% 4031There was a young man from Bombay 4032Who fashioned a cunt out of clay 4033 But the heat of his prick 4034 Turned it into a brick 4035And rubbed all his foreskin away. 4036% 4037There was a young man from Boston 4038Who rode around in an Austin. 4039 There was room for his ass 4040 And a gallon of gas, 4041But his balls hung out and he lost 'em. 4042% 4043There was a young man from Calcutta 4044Who was heard in his beard to mutter, 4045 "If her Bartholin glands 4046 Don't respond to my hands, 4047I'm afraid I shall have to use butter." 4048% 4049There was a young man from Dallas 4050Who had an exceptional phallus. 4051 He couldn't find room 4052 In any girl's womb 4053Without rubbing it first with Vitalis. 4054% 4055There was a young man from Dundee 4056Who buggered an ape in a tree. 4057 The results were quite horrid: 4058 All ass and no forehead, 4059Three balls and a purple goatee. 4060% 4061There was a young man from East Lizes 4062Whose balls were of two different sizes 4063 One was so small 4064 It was no ball at all 4065The other was large and won prizes. 4066% 4067There was a young man from East Wubley 4068Whose cock was bifurcated doubly. 4069 Each quadruplicate shaft 4070 Had two balls hanging aft, 4071And the general effect was quite lovely. 4072 4073There was a young man from Hong Kong 4074Who had a trifurcated prong: 4075 A small one for sucking, 4076 A large one for fucking, 4077And a `boney' for beating a gong. 4078% 4079There was a young man from Glengozzle 4080Who found a remarkable fossil. 4081 He knew by the bend 4082 And the wart on the end, 4083'Twas the peter of Paul the Apostle. 4084% 4085There was a young man from Jodhpur 4086Who found he could easily cure 4087 His dread diabetes 4088 By eating a foetus 4089Served up in a sauce of manure. 4090% 4091There was a young man from Kent 4092Whose tool was so long that it bent. 4093 To save himself trouble 4094 He put it in double 4095And instead of coming, he went. 4096% 4097There was a young man from Lynn 4098Whose cock was the size of a pin. 4099 Said his girl with a laugh 4100 As she felt his staff, 4101"This won't be much of a sin." 4102% 4103There was a young man from Maine 4104Whose prick was as strong as a crane; 4105 It was almost as long, 4106 So he strolled with his dong 4107Extended in sunshine and rain. 4108% 4109There was a young man from Nantucket 4110Whose cock was so long he could suck it. 4111 But he looked in the glass, 4112 And saw his own ass, 4113And broke his neck trying to fuck it. 4114% 4115There was a young man from Nantucket 4116Whose cock was so long he could suck it. 4117 He said with a grin, 4118 While wiping his chin, 4119"If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it." 4120% 4121There was a young man from New Haven 4122Who had an affair with a raven. 4123 He said with a grin 4124 As he wiped off his chin, 4125"Nevermore!" 4126% 4127There was a young man from Peru, 4128Who took a long trip by canoe. 4129 While staring at Venus, 4130 And rubbing his penis, 4131He wound up with a handful of goo. 4132% 4133There was a young man from Purdue 4134Who was only just learning to screw, 4135 But he hadn't the knack, 4136 And he got too far back -- 4137In the right church, but in the wrong pew. 4138% 4139There was a young man from Racine 4140Who invented a fucking machine. 4141 Concave or convex, 4142 It served either sex, 4143But oh what a bitch to keep clean. 4144% 4145There was a young man from Rangoon 4146Who used to lament 'neath the moon 4147 That he had the luck 4148 To be born of a fuck 4149That was scraped off the sheets with a spoon. 4150% 4151There was a young man from Salinas 4152Who had an extremely long penis: 4153 Believe it or not, 4154 When he lay on his cot 4155It reached from Marin to Martinez. 4156% 4157There was a young man from Seattle 4158Whose testicles tended to rattle. 4159 He said as he fuck-ed 4160 Some stones in a bucket, 4161"If Stravinsky won't deafen you -- that'll." 4162% 4163There was a young man from Siam 4164Who said, "I go in with a wham, 4165 But I soon lose my starch 4166 Like the mad month of March, 4167And the lion comes out like a lamb." 4168% 4169There was a young man from St. Paul's 4170Who read "Harper's Bazaar" and "McCall's" 4171 Till he grew such a passion 4172 For feminine fashion 4173That he knitted a snood for his balls. 4174% 4175There was a young man from Stamboul 4176Who boasted so torrid a tool 4177 That each female crater 4178 Explored by this satyr 4179Seemed almost unpleasantly cool. 4180% 4181There was a young man from Tibet- 4182And this is the strangest one yet- 4183 Whose tool was so long, 4184 So pointed and strong, 4185He could bugger six Greeks "en brochette". 4186% 4187There was a young man in Havana, 4188Banged his girl on a player-piana. 4189 At the height of their fever 4190 Her ass hit the lever 4191And: yes, he has no banana. 4192% 4193There was a young man in Norway, 4194Tried to jerk himself off in a sleigh, 4195 But the air was so frigid 4196 It froze his cock rigid, 4197And all he could come was frappe. 4198% 4199There was a young man in the choir 4200Whose penis rose higher and higher, 4201 Till it reached such a height 4202 It was quite out of sight -- 4203But of course you know I'm a liar. 4204% 4205There was a young man, name of Fred, 4206Who spent every Thursday in bed; 4207 He lay with his feet 4208 Outside of the sheet, 4209And the pillows on top of his head. 4210 -- Edward Gorey 4211% 4212There was a young man, name of Saul, 4213Who was able to bounce either ball, 4214 He could stretch them and snap them, 4215 And juggle and clap them, 4216Which earned him the plaudits of all. 4217% 4218There was a young man named Crockett 4219Whose balls got caught in a socket. 4220 His wife was a bitch 4221 So she threw the switch, 4222And Crockett went off like a rocket. 4223% 4224There was a young man named Crockett 4225Whose balls got caught in a socket. 4226 His wife was a bitch, 4227 Yeah, she threw the switch, 4228And Crockett went off like a rocket. 4229% 4230There was a young man named Hughes 4231Who swore off all kinds of booze. 4232 He said, "When I'm muddled 4233 My senses get fuddled, 4234And I pass up too many screws." 4235% 4236There was a young man named Knute 4237Who had warts all over his root. 4238 He put acid on these 4239 And now when he pees, 4240He fingers the thing like a flute. 4241% 4242There was a young man named Laplace 4243Whose balls were made out of spun glass. 4244 When they banged together 4245 They played "Stormy Weather" 4246And lightning shot out of his ass. 4247% 4248There was a young man named McNamiter 4249With a tool of prodigious diameter. 4250 But it wasn't the size 4251 Gave the girls a surprise, 4252But his rythm -- iambic pentameter. 4253% 4254There was a young man named Rex 4255Who really was small for his sex. 4256 When tried for exposure 4257 The judge's disclosure 4258Was "de minimus non curat lex." 4259% 4260There was a young man named Zerubbabel 4261Who had only one real, and one rubber ball. 4262 When they asked if his pleasure 4263 Was only half measure, 4264He replied, "That is highly improbable." 4265% 4266There was a young man named Zerubbabub 4267Who belonged to the Block, Fuck & Bugger Club 4268 But the pride of his life 4269 Were the tits of his wife -- 4270One real, and one India-rubber bub. 4271% 4272There was a young man of Arras 4273Who stretched himself out on the grass, 4274 And with no little trouble, 4275 He bent himself double, 4276And stuck his prick well up his ass. 4277% 4278There was a young man of Australia 4279Who went on a wild bacchanalia. 4280 He buggered a frog, 4281 Two mice and a dog, 4282And a bishop in fullest regalia. 4283% 4284There was a young man of Belgrade 4285Who remarked, "I'm a queer piece of trade. 4286 I will suck, without charge, 4287 Any cock, if it's large. 4288If it's small, I expect to be paid." 4289% 4290There was a young man of Belgrade 4291Who slept with a girl in the trade. 4292 She said to him, "Jack, 4293 Try the hole in the back; 4294The front one is badly decayed." 4295% 4296There was a young man of Bengal 4297Who swore he had only one ball, 4298 But two little bitches 4299 Unbuttoned his britches, 4300And found he had no balls at all. 4301% 4302There was a young man of Bombay 4303Who buggered his dad once a day. 4304 He said, "I like, rather, 4305 Fucking my father -- 4306He's clean, and there's nothing to pay." 4307% 4308There was a young man of Calcutta, 4309Who tried to write "cunt" on a shutter. 4310 When he got to c-u, 4311 A pious Hindoo 4312Knocked him ass-over-head in the gutter. 4313% 4314There was a young man of Cape Horn 4315Who wished he had never been born, 4316 And he wouldn't have been 4317 If his father had seen 4318That the end of the rubber was torn. 4319% 4320There was a young man of Coblenz 4321Whose ballocks were simply immense: 4322 It took forty-four draymen, 4323 A priest and three laymen 4324To carry them thither and thence. 4325% 4326There was a young man of Darjeeling 4327Whose cock reached up to the ceiling. 4328 In the electric light socket, 4329 He'd put it and rock it-- 4330Oh God! What a wonderful feeling! 4331% 4332There was a young man of Devizes 4333Whose balls were of different sizes. 4334 His tool when at ease, 4335 Hung down to his knees, 4336Oh, what must it be when it rises! 4337% 4338There was a young man of Devizes, 4339Whose balls were of different sizes. 4340 One was so small, 4341 It was nothing at all; 4342The other took numerous prizes. 4343% 4344There was a young man of Dumfries 4345Who said to his girl, "If you please, 4346 It would give me great bliss 4347 If, while playing with this, 4348You would pay some attention to these!" 4349% 4350There was a young man of Greenwich 4351Whose balls were all covered with spinach. 4352 So long was his tool 4353 That it wound round a spool, 4354And he let it out inach by inach. 4355% 4356There was a young man of high station 4357Who was found by a pious relation 4358 Making love in a ditch 4359 To -- I won't say a bitch -- 4360But a woman of no reputation. 4361% 4362There was a young man of Khartoum, 4363The strength of whose balls was his doom. 4364 So strong was his shootin', 4365 The third law of Newton 4366Propelled the poor chap to the Moon. 4367% 4368There was a young man of Khartoum 4369Who lured a poor girl to her doom. 4370 He not only fucked her, 4371 But buggered and sucked her-- 4372And left her to pay for the room. 4373% 4374There was a young man of Kildare 4375Who was fucking a girl on the stair. 4376 The bannister broke, 4377 But he doubled his stroke 4378And finished her off in mid-air. 4379% 4380There was a young man of Kutki 4381Who could blink himself off with one eye. 4382 For a while though, he pined, 4383 When his organ declined 4384To function, because of a stye. 4385% 4386There was a young man of Lahore 4387Whose prick was one inch and no more. 4388 It was all right for key-holes 4389 And little girl's pee-holes, 4390But not worth a damn with a whore. 4391% 4392There was a young man of Lake Placid 4393Whose prick was lethargic and flaccid. 4394 When he wanted to sport 4395 He would have to resort 4396To injections of sulphuric acid. 4397% 4398There was a young man of Madras 4399Whose balls were constructed of brass. 4400 When jangled together 4401 They played "Stormy Weather", 4402And lightning shot out of his ass. 4403% 4404There was a young man of Missouri 4405Who fucked with a terrible fury. 4406 Till hauled into court 4407 For his beastial sport, 4408And condemned by a poorly-hung jury. 4409% 4410There was a young man of Natal 4411And Sue was the name of his gal. 4412 One day, north of Aden, 4413 He got his hard rod in, 4414And came clear up Suez Canal. 4415% 4416There was a young man of Natal 4417Who was fucking a Hottentot gal. 4418 Said she, "You're a sluggard!" 4419 Said he, "You be buggered! 4420I like to fuck slow and I shall." 4421% 4422There was a young man of Ostend 4423Who let a girl play with his end. 4424 She took hold of Rover, 4425 And felt it all over, 4426And it did what she didn't intend. 4427% 4428There was a young man of Ostend 4429Whose wife caught him fucking her friend. 4430 "It's no use, my duck, 4431 Interrupting our fuck, 4432For I'm damned if I draw till I spend." 4433% 4434There was a young man of Saskatchewan, 4435Whose penis was truly gargantuan. 4436 It was good for large whores, 4437 And for small dinosaurs, 4438And was rough enough to scratch a match upon. 4439% 4440There was a young man of Seattle 4441Who bested a bull in a battle. 4442 With fire and gumption 4443 He assumed the bull's function, 4444And deflowered a whole herd of cattle. 4445% 4446There was a young man of St. John's 4447Who wanted to bugger the swans. 4448 But the loyal hall porter 4449 Said, "Pray take my daughter! 4450Those birds are reserved for the dons." 4451% 4452There was a young man of Tibet 4453-- And this is the strangest one yet -- 4454 His prick was so long, 4455 And so pointed and strong, 4456He could bugger six sheep en brochette. 4457% 4458There was a young man of Toulouse 4459Who had a deficient prepuce, 4460 But the foreskin he lacked 4461 He made up in his sac; 4462The result was, his balls were too loose. 4463% 4464There was a young man who appeared 4465To his friends with a full growth of beard; 4466 They at once said, "Although 4467 We can't say why it's so, 4468The effect is uncommonly weird." 4469 -- Edward Gorey 4470% 4471There was a young man who said "God, 4472I find it exceedingly odd, 4473 That the willow oak tree 4474 Continues to be, 4475When there's no one about in the Quad." 4476 4477"Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd, 4478For I'm always about in the Quad; 4479 And that's why the tree, 4480 Continues to be," 4481Signed "Yours faithfully, God." 4482% 4483There was a young man with a fiddle 4484Who asked of his girl, "Do you diddle?" 4485 She replied, "Yes, I do, 4486 But prefer to with two -- 4487It's twice as much fun in the middle." 4488% 4489There was a young man with a prick 4490Which into his wife he would stick 4491 Every morning and night 4492 If it stood up all right -- 4493Not a very remarkable trick. 4494 4495His wife had a nice little cunt: 4496It was hairy, and soft, and in front, 4497 And with this she would fuck him, 4498 Though sometimes she'd suck him -- 4499A charming, if commonplace, stunt. 4500% 4501There was a young man with one foot 4502Who had a very long root. 4503 If he used this peg 4504 As an extra leg 4505Is a question exceedingly moot. 4506% 4507There was a young miss from Johore 4508Who'd lie on a mat on the floor; 4509 In a manner uncanny 4510 She'd wobble her fanny, 4511And drain your nuts dry to the core. 4512% 4513There was a young monk from Siberia 4514Whose life got drearia' and drearia' 4515 Till he did to a nun 4516 What shouldn't be done 4517And made her a mother superia'. 4518% 4519There was a young monk from Tibet 4520And this is the damnedest one yet 4521 His cock was so long 4522 And incredibly strong 4523That he buggered six Greeks en brochette. 4524% 4525There was a young monk in Siberia, 4526Whose morals were very inferior, 4527 He jumped on a nun 4528 Which he shouldn't have done, 4529And now she's a Mother Superior. 4530% 4531There was a young monk of Dundee 4532Who complained that it hurt him to pee, 4533 He said, "Pax vobiscum, 4534 Now why won't the piss come? 4535I'm afraid I've the c-l-a-p." 4536% 4537There was a young parson of Harwich, 4538Tried to grind his betrothed in a carriage. 4539 She said, "No, you young goose, 4540 Just try self-abuse. 4541And the other we'll try after marriage." 4542% 4543There was a young peasant named Gorse 4544Who fell madly in love with his horse. 4545 Said his wife, "You rapscallion, 4546 That horse is a stallion -- 4547This constitutes grounds for divorce." 4548% 4549There was a young person of Kent 4550Who was famous wherever he went. 4551 All the way through a fuck, 4552 He would quack like a duck, 4553And he crowed like a cock when he spent. 4554% 4555There was a young physicist named Fisk 4556Whose lovemaking was rather brisk. 4557 So quick was his action, 4558 The Lorentz Contraction 4559Shortened his rod to a disc !! 4560% 4561There was a young plumber named Lee 4562Who was plumbing his girl by the sea. 4563 She said, "Stop your plumbing, 4564 There's somebody coming" 4565Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me." 4566% 4567There was a young poet named Dan, 4568Whose poetry never would scan. 4569 When told this was so, 4570 He said, "Yes, I know, 4571It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that 4572 Last line that I can." 4573% 4574There was a young poet named Dan, 4575Whose poetry never would scan. 4576 When told this was so, 4577 He said, "Yes, I know. 4578It's because I try to put every single 4579syllable into the last line that I possibly, 4580possibly can." 4581% 4582There was a young royal marine, 4583Who tried to fart "God Save the Queen". 4584 When he reached the soprano 4585 Out came only guano 4586And his britches weren't fit to be seen. 4587% 4588There was a young sailor from Brighton, 4589Who remarked to his girl, "You're a tight one." 4590 She replied, "'Pon my soul, 4591 You're in the wrong hole; 4592There's plenty of room in the right one." 4593% 4594There was a young sailor from Brighton 4595Who said to his bird, "You're a tight'un." 4596 She replied, "'Pon my soul, 4597 You're in the wrong hole 4598There's plenty of room in the right'un." 4599% 4600There was a young sapphic named Anna 4601Who stuffed her friend's cunt with banana, 4602 Which she sucked, bit by bit, 4603 From her partner's warm slit, 4604In the most approved lesbian manner. 4605% 4606There was a young Scot in Madrid 4607Who got fifty-five fucks for a quid. 4608 When they said, "Are you faint?" 4609 He replied, "No, I ain't, 4610But I don't feel as good as I did." 4611% 4612There was a young soldier from Munich 4613Whose penis hung down past his tunic, 4614 And their chops girls would lick 4615 When they thought of his prick, 4616But alas! he was only a eunuch. 4617% 4618There was a young sportsman named Peel 4619Who went for a trip on his wheel; 4620 He pedalled for days 4621 Through crepuscular haze, 4622And returned feeling somewhat unreal. 4623 -- Edward Gorey 4624% 4625There was a young squaw of Wohunt 4626Who possessed a collapsible cunt. 4627 It had many odd uses, 4628 Produced no papooses, 4629And fitted both giant and runt. 4630% 4631There was a young student from Yale 4632Who was getting his first piece of tail. 4633 He shoved in his pole, 4634 But in the wrong hole, 4635And a voice from beneath yelled: "No sale!" 4636% 4637There was a young trollop at Yale, 4638Who had verses tattooed on her tail, 4639 And on her behind, 4640 For the sake of the blind, 4641A duplicate version in Braille. 4642% 4643There was a young whore from Kaloo 4644Who filled her vagina with glue. 4645 She said with a grin, 4646 "If they pay to get in, 4647They can pay to get out again too!" 4648% 4649There was a young woman called Pearl 4650Who quite resembled a churl; 4651 When she asked a young man named Tex 4652 Whether he would like to have sex, 4653"Certainly," quoth he, "Who's the girl?" 4654% 4655There was a young woman from Bude, 4656Who went for a swim in the nude, 4657 But a man in a punt, 4658 Grabbed at her elbow, 4659And said "Hey, lady, you can't swim here, it's private property." 4660% 4661There was a young woman in Dee 4662Who stayed with each man she did see. 4663 When it came to a test 4664 She wished to be best, 4665And practice makes perfect, you see. 4666% 4667There was a young woman named Alice 4668Who peed in a Catholic chalice. 4669 She said, "I do this 4670 From a great need to piss, 4671And not from sectarian malice." 4672% 4673There was a young woman named Ells 4674Who was subject to curious spells 4675 When got up very oddly, 4676 She'd cry out things ungodly 4677by the palms in expensive hotels. 4678 -- Edward Gorey 4679% 4680There was a young woman named Florence 4681Who for fucking professed an abhorrence, 4682 But they found her in bed 4683 With her cunt flaming red, 4684And her poodle-dog spending in torrents. 4685% 4686There was a young woman named Plunnery 4687Who rejoiced in the practice of gunnery. 4688 Till one day unobservant, 4689 She blew up a servant, 4690And was forced to retire to a nunnery. 4691 -- Edward Gorey 4692% 4693There was a young woman named Sutton 4694Who said, as she carved up the mutton, 4695 "My father preferred 4696 The last sheep in the herd -- 4697This is one of his children I'm cuttin'." 4698% 4699There was a young woman of Cheadle, 4700Who once gave the clap to a beadle. 4701 Said she, "Does it itch?" 4702 "It does, you damned bitch, 4703And it burns like hell-fire when I peedle." 4704% 4705There was a young woman of Condover 4706Whose husband had ceased to be fond of 'er. 4707 Her pussy was juicy, 4708 Her arse soft and goosey, 4709But peroxide had now made a blonde of 'er. 4710% 4711There was a young woman of Croft 4712Who played with herself in a loft, 4713 Having reasoned that candles 4714 Could never cause scandals, 4715Besides which they did not go soft. 4716 4717Said another young woman of Croft, 4718Amusing herself in the loft, 4719 "A salami or wurst 4720 Is what I'd choose first -- 4721With bologna you know you've been boffed." 4722% 4723There was a young woman, quite handsome, 4724Who got stuck in a sleeping room transom. 4725 When she offered much gold 4726 For release, she was told 4727That the view was worth more than the ransom. 4728% 4729There was a young woman whose stammer 4730Was atrocious, and so was her grammar; 4731 But they were not improved 4732 When her husband was moved 4733To knock out her teeth with a hammer. 4734 -- Edward Gorey 4735% 4736There was an old abbess quite shocked 4737To find nuns where the candles were locked. 4738 Said the abbess, "You nuns 4739 Should behave more like guns, 4740And never go off till you're cocked." 4741% 4742There was an old bishop from Buckingham 4743Who fell in love with some oysters while shucking 'em. 4744 His wife with distain 4745 Could scarcely restrain 4746That sprightly old bishop from * * *. 4747% 4748There was an old count of Swoboda 4749Who would not pay a whore what he owed her. 4750 So, with great savoir-faire, 4751 She stood on a chair 4752And pissed in his whiskey-and-soda. 4753% 4754There was an old curate of Hestion 4755Who'd errect at the slightest suggestion. 4756 But so small was his tool 4757 He could scarce screw a spool, 4758And a cunt was quite out of the question. 4759% 4760There was an old fellow named Art 4761Who awoke with a horrible start, 4762 For down by his rump 4763 Was a generous lump 4764Of what should have been just a fart. 4765% 4766There was an old fellow named Skinner 4767Whose prick, his wife said, had grown thinner. 4768 But still, by and large, 4769 It would always discharge 4770Once he could just get it in her. 4771% 4772There was an old feminine blighter 4773Who trained a Chow dog to delight her. 4774 She would cream her own pool 4775 While she sucked off his tool -- 4776How his cock in her cunt would excite her! 4777% 4778There was an old gent from Kentuck 4779Who boasted a filigreed schmuck, 4780 But he put it away 4781 For fear that one day 4782He might put it in and get stuck. 4783% 4784There was an old girl of Kilkenny 4785Whose usual charge was a penny. 4786 For half of that sum 4787 You could finger her bum-- 4788A source of amusement to many. 4789% 4790There was an old harlot from Dijon 4791Who in her old age got religion. 4792 "When I'm dead & gone," 4793 Said she, "I'll take on 4794The Father, the Son, and the Pigeon." 4795% 4796There was an old hermit named Dave 4797Who kept a dead whore in his cave. 4798 He said "I'll admit 4799 I'm a bit of a shit, 4800But look at the money I save." 4801% 4802There was an old lady of Bingly 4803Who wailed, "I do hate to sleep singly. 4804 I thought I had got 4805 A bloke for my twat, 4806But he seems rather queenly than kingly." 4807% 4808There was an old lady of Glascow, 4809Whose party proved quite a fiasco. 4810 At nine-thirty, about, 4811 The lights all went out, 4812Through a lapse on the part of the Gas Co. 4813% 4814There was an old lady of Kewry 4815Whose cunt was a `lusus naturae': 4816 The `introitus vaginae', 4817 Was unnaturally tiny, 4818And the thought of it filled her with fury. 4819% 4820There was an old lady who lay 4821With her legs wide apart in the hay, 4822 Then, calling the ploughman, 4823 She said, "Do it now, man! 4824Don't wait till your hair has turned gray." 4825% 4826There was an old maid from Cape Cod 4827Who thought all good things came from god. 4828 But it wasn't the almighty 4829 Who lifted her nighty, 4830It was Roger, the lodger, by god. 4831% 4832There was an old man from Bengal 4833Who liked to do tricks in the hall. 4834 His favorite trick 4835 Was to stand on his dick 4836While he rolled around on one ball. 4837% 4838There was an old man from Duluth 4839Whose cock was shot off in his youth. 4840 He fucked with his nose 4841 Or his fingers and toes 4842And he came thru a hole in his tooth. 4843% 4844There was an old man from Fort Drum 4845Whose son was incredibly dumb. 4846 When he urged him ahead, 4847 He went down instead, 4848For he thought to succeed meant succumb. 4849% 4850There was an old man of Alsace 4851Who played the trombone with his ass. 4852 He put in a trap 4853 To take out the crap, 4854But the vapors corroded the brass. 4855% 4856There was an old man of Brienz 4857The length of whose cock was immense: 4858 With one swerve he could plug 4859 A boy's bottom in Zug, 4860And a kitchen-maid's cunt in Coblenz. 4861% 4862There was an old man of Cajon 4863Who never could get a good bone. 4864 With the aid of a gland 4865 It grew simply grand; 4866Now his wife cannot leave it alone. 4867% 4868There was an old man of Calcutta 4869Who spied through a chink in the shutter. 4870 But all he could see 4871 Was his wife's bare knee, 4872And the back of the bloke who was up her. 4873% 4874There was an old man of Connaught 4875Whose prick was remarkably short. 4876 When he got into bed, 4877 The old woman said, 4878"This isn't a prick, it's a wart." 4879% 4880There was an old man of Duddee 4881Who came home as drunk as could be. 4882 He wound up the clock 4883 With the end of his cock, 4884And buggered his wife with the key. 4885% 4886There was an old man of Duluth 4887Whose cock was shot off in his youth. 4888 He fucked with his nose 4889 And with fingers and toes, 4890And he came through a hole in his tooth. 4891% 4892There was an old man of Hong Kong 4893Who never did anything wrong. 4894 He would lie on his back 4895 With his head in a sack 4896And secretly finger his dong. 4897% 4898There was an old man of St. Bees, 4899Who was stung in the arm by a wasp. 4900 When asked, "Does it hurt?" 4901 He relied, "No, it doesn't. 4902I'm so glad that it wasn't a hornet." 4903% 4904There was an old man of St. Bees, 4905Who was stung in the arm by a wasp. 4906 When asked, "Does it hurt?" 4907 He relied, "No, it doesn't. 4908I'm so glad that it wasn't a hornet." 4909 -- W.S. Gilbert 4910% 4911There was an old man of Tagore 4912Whose tool was a yard long or more, 4913 So he wore the damn thing 4914 In a surgical sling 4915To keep it from wiping the floor. 4916% 4917There was an Old Man of the Mountain 4918Who frigged himself into a fountain 4919 Fifteen times had he spent, 4920 Still he wasn't content, 4921He simply got tired of the counting. 4922% 4923There was an old man of the port 4924Whose prick was remarkably short. 4925 When he got into bed, 4926 The old woman said, 4927"That isn't a prick; it's a wart!" 4928% 4929There was an old man of the port 4930Whose prick was remarkably short. 4931 When he got into bed, 4932 The old woman said, 4933"This isn't a prick; it's a wart!" 4934% 4935There was an old man of the port 4936Whose prick was remarkably short. 4937 When he got into bed, 4938 The old woman said, 4939"That isn't a prick; it's a wart!" 4940% 4941There was an old man who said, "Tush! 4942My balls always hang in the brush, 4943 And I fumble about, 4944 Half in and half out, 4945With a pecker as limber as mush." 4946% 4947There was an old man with a beard 4948Who said, "It is just what I feared! 4949 Two owls and a hen, 4950 Four larks and a wren 4951Have all built their nests in my beard!" 4952% 4953There was an old person of Ware 4954Who had an affair with a bear. 4955 He explained, "I don't mind, 4956 For it's gentle and kind, 4957But I wish it had slightly less hair." 4958% 4959There was an old pirate named Bates 4960Who was learning to rhumba on skates 4961 He fell on his cutlass 4962 Which rendered him nutless 4963And practically useless on dates. 4964% 4965There was an old satyr named Mack 4966Whose prick had a left handed tack. 4967 If the ladies he loves 4968 Don't spin when he shoves, 4969Their cervixes frequently crack. 4970% 4971There was an old Scot named McTavish 4972Who attempted an anthropoid ravish. 4973 The object of rape 4974 Was the wrong sex of ape, 4975And the anthropoid ravished McTavish. 4976% 4977There was an old whore from Silesia 4978Who'd croke: "If my box doesn't please ya, 4979 For a slight extra sum 4980 You can go up my bum 4981But watchout or my tapeworm'll seize ya." 4982% 4983There was an old whore in the Azores 4984Whose body was covered with festers & sores. 4985 Why the dogs in the street 4986 Wouldn't eat the green meat 4987That hung in festoons from her drawers. 4988% 4989There was an old woman of Ghent 4990Who swore that her cunt had no scent. 4991 She got fucked so often 4992 At last she got rotten, 4993And didn't she stink when she spent. 4994% 4995There was once a mechanic named Bench 4996Whose best tool was a sturdy gut-wrench. 4997 With this vibrant device 4998 He could reach, in a trice, 4999The innermost parts of a wench. 5000% 5001There was once a sad Maitre d'hotel 5002Who said, "They can all go to hell! 5003 What they do to my wife-- 5004 Why it ruins my life; 5005And the worst is, they all do it well. 5006% 5007There were three ladies of Huxham, 5008And whenever we meets 'em we fucks 'em, 5009 And when that game grows stale 5010 We sits on a rail, 5011And pulls out our pricks and they sucks 'em. 5012% 5013There were three young ladies of Birmingham, 5014And this is the scandal concerning 'em. 5015 They lifted the frock 5016 And tickled the cock 5017Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em. 5018 5019Now, the Bishop was nobody's fool, 5020He'd been to a good public school, 5021 So he took down their britches 5022 And buggered those bitches 5023With his ten-inch episcopal tool. 5024 5025Then up spoke a lady from Kew, 5026And said, as the Bishop withdrew, 5027 "The vicar is quicker 5028 And thicker and slicker, 5029And longer and stronger than you." 5030 -- Abuses of the Clergy 5031% 5032There's a charming young girl in Tobruk 5033Who refers to her quiff as a nook. 5034 It's deep and it's wide, 5035 -- You can curl up inside 5036With a nice easy chair and a book. 5037% 5038There's a charming young lady named Beaulieu 5039Who's often been screwed by yours truly, 5040 But now--it's appallin'-- 5041 My balls always fall in! 5042I fear that I've fucked her unduly. 5043% 5044There's a dowager near Sweden Landing 5045Whose manners are odd and demanding. 5046 It's one of her jests 5047 To suck off her guests -- 5048She hates to keep gentlemen standing. 5049% 5050There's a lovely young lady named Shittlecock 5051Who loves to play diddle and fiddle-cock, 5052 But her cunt's got a pucker 5053 That's best not to fuck, or 5054When least you expect it to, it'll lock. 5055% 5056There's a rather odd couple in Herts 5057Who are cousins (or so each asserts); 5058 Their sex is in doubt 5059 For they're never without 5060Their moustaches and long, trailing skirts. 5061 -- Edward Gorey 5062% 5063There's a sports-minded coed named Sue, 5064Who's been coxing the varsity crew. 5065 In the shell Sue is great, 5066 But her boyfriend's irate, 5067When she calls out the stroke as they screw. 5068% 5069There's a tavern in London that's staffed, 5070By a barmaid who's tops at her craft: 5071 In her striving to please, 5072 She serves ale on her knees, 5073So the patrons get head with their draft. 5074% 5075There's a very hot babe at the Aggies 5076Who's to men what to bulls a red rag is. 5077 The seniors go round 5078 Hanging down to the ground, 5079And one extra-large Soph has to drag his. 5080% 5081There's a vicar who's classed as nefarious, 5082Since his shocking perversions are various... 5083 He will bugger some lad 5084 With a dildo (the cad!) 5085While exulting, "My pleasure's vicarious!" 5086% 5087There's a young Yiddish slut with two cunts, 5088Whose pleasure in life is to pruntz. 5089 When one pireg is shot, 5090 There's that alternate twat, 5091But the ausgefuckt male merely grunts. 5092% 5093There's an oversexed lady named Whyte 5094Who insists on a dozen a night. 5095 A fellow named Cheddar 5096 Had the brashness to wed her- 5097His chance of survival is slight. 5098% 5099There's an unbroken babe from Toronto, 5100Exceedingly hard to get onto, 5101 But when you get there, 5102 And have parted the hair, 5103You can fuck her as much as you want to. 5104% 5105They had come in the fugue to the stretto 5106When a dark, bearded man from a ghetto 5107 Slipped forward and grabbed 5108 Her tresses and stabbed 5109Her to death with a rusty stiletto. 5110 -- Edward Gorey 5111% 5112Though his plan, when he gave her a buzz, 5113Was to do what man normally does, 5114 She declared, "I'm a Soul- 5115 Not a sexual goal!" 5116So he shrugged and called someone who was. 5117% 5118Though most of the crewmen are whites, 5119Uhura has full equal rights. 5120 Her crewmates, you see, 5121 Love De-mo-cra-cy, 5122And the way that she fills out her tights. 5123% 5124Though the invalid Saint of Brac 5125Lay all of his life on his back, 5126 His wife got her share, 5127 And the pilgrims now stare 5128At the scene, in his shrine, on a plaque. 5129% 5130'Tis a custom in Castellamare 5131To fuck in the back of a lorry. 5132 The chassis and springs 5133 Are like woodwinds and strings 5134In the midst of a musical soiree. 5135% 5136To a weepy young woman in Thrums 5137Her betrothed remarked, "This is what comes 5138 Of allowing your tears 5139 To fall into my ears - 5140I think they have rotted the drums." 5141 -- Edward Gorey 5142% 5143To bear offspring, Noah's snakes were unable. 5144Their fertility was somewhat unstable. 5145 He constructed a bed 5146 Out of tree trunks and said, 5147"Even adders can multiply on a log table." 5148% 5149To his bride a young bridegroom said, "Pish! 5150Your cunt is as big as a dish!" 5151 She replied, "Why, you fool, 5152 With your limp little tool 5153It's like driving a nail with a fish!" 5154% 5155To his bride said a numskull named Clarence : 5156"I trust you will show some forbearance. 5157 My sexual habits 5158 I picked up from rabbits, 5159And occasionally watching my parents." 5160% 5161To his bride said economist Fife : 5162"The semen you'll launch as my wife, 5163 We will salvage and freeze 5164 To resemble goat's cheese, 5165And slice for hors d'oeuvres with a knife." 5166% 5167To his bride said the keen-eyed detective, 5168"Can it be that my eyesight's defective? 5169 Has the east tit the least bit 5170 The best of the west tit, 5171Or is it the faulty perspective?" 5172% 5173To his bride, said the sharp eyed detective, 5174"Can it be that my eyesight's defective? 5175 Is your east tit the least bit 5176 The best of your west tit, 5177Or is it a trick of perspective?" 5178% 5179To his clubfooted child said Lord Stipple, 5180As he poured his post-prandial tipple, 5181 "Your mother's behaviour 5182 Gave pain to Our Saviour, 5183And that's why He made you a cripple." 5184 -- Edward Gorey 5185% 5186Two anglers were fishing off Wight 5187And his bobber was dipping all night. 5188 Murmured she, with a laugh, 5189 "It's ready to gaff, 5190But don't break your rod which is light." 5191 5192A couple was fishing near Clombe 5193When the maid began looking quite glum, 5194 And said, "Bother the fish! 5195 I'd rather coish!" 5196Which they did -- which was why they had come. 5197 5198As two consular clerks in Madras 5199Fished, hidden in deep shore-grass, 5200 "What a marvelous pole," 5201 Said she, "but control 5202Your sinkers -- they're banging my ass." 5203% 5204Two eager young men from Cawnpore 5205Once buggared and fucked the same whore. 5206 But her partition split 5207 And the blood and the shit 5208Rolled out in a mess on the floor. 5209% 5210Two roosters in one of our pens 5211Found their pricks were no larger than wens. 5212 As they looked at their foreskins 5213 And wished they had more skins, 5214They discovered they'd both become hens. 5215% 5216Under the spreading chestnut tree 5217The village smith he sat, 5218 Amusing himself 5219 By abusing himself 5220And catching the load in his hat. 5221% 5222Une joile epousetta a Tours 5223Voulait de gig-gig tous le jours. 5224 Mais le mari disait, "Non! 5225 De trop n'est pas bon! 5226Mon derriere exige du secours!" 5227% 5228Visas erat: huic geminarum 5229Dispar modus testicularum: 5230 Minor haec nihili, 5231 Palma triplici, 5232Jam fecerat altera clarum. 5233% 5234We dedicate this to the cunt, 5235The kind the broad-minded guys hunt : 5236 All hail to the twat, 5237 Willing, thrilling, and hot, 5238That wears peckers down, limp and blunt! 5239% 5240When I was a baby, my penis 5241Was as white as the buttocks of Venus. 5242 But now 'this as red 5243 As her nipples instead-- 5244All because of the feminie genus! 5245% 5246When they asked a pert baggage name Alice, 5247Who'd been bedded and banged in the palace, 5248 "Was he modest or vain?" 5249 "Was he regal or plain?" 5250She replied, "He's a jolly good phallus!" 5251% 5252When you fuck little Annie in Anza 5253You get a great bossom bonanza: 5254 Sucking Annie's soft tits 5255 Makes her throw fifty fits, 5256And the fuck is a sextravaganza! 5257% 5258While his duchess lay practically dead, 5259The Duke of Daguerrodargue said: 5260 "Can it be this is all? 5261 How puny! How small! 5262Have destroyed this disgrace to my bed." 5263 -- Edward Gorey 5264% 5265While I, with my usual enthusiasm, 5266Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm, 5267 She explained, "They are flat, 5268 But think nothing of that -- 5269You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm." 5270% 5271While out on a date in his Fiat, 5272The man exclaimed "Where's my key at?" 5273 As he bent down to seek, 5274 She let out a shriek: 5275"That's not where it's likely to be at." 5276% 5277While spending the winter at Pau 5278Lady Pamela forgot to say "No." 5279 So the head-porter made her 5280 And the second-cook laid her; 5281The waiters were all hanging low. 5282% 5283While Titian was mixing rose madder, 5284His model reclined on a ladder. 5285 Her position to Titian 5286 Suggested coition, 5287So he leapt up the ladder and had 'er. 5288% 5289While travelling in farthest Tibet, 5290Lord Irongate found cause to regret 5291 The buttered-up tea, 5292 A pain in his knee, 5293And the frivolous tourists he met. 5294 -- Edward Gorey 5295% 5296Winter is here with his grouch, 5297The time when you sneeze and you slouch. 5298 You can't take your women 5299 Canoein' or swimmin', 5300But a lot can be done on a couch. 5301% 5302With his penis in turgid erection, 5303And aimed at woman's mid-section, 5304 Man looks most uncouth 5305 In that Moment of Truth, 5306But she sheathes it with loving affection. 5307% 5308You Women's Lib gals won't agree, 5309But dependent on men you must be: 5310 You'll need a him 5311 With a rod firm and trim, 5312To puggle your water-drains free! 5313% 5314Young Frederick the great was a beaut. 5315To a guard he cried, "Hey, man, you're cute. 5316 If you'll come to my palace, 5317 I'll finger your phallus, 5318And then I shall blow on your flute." 5319% 5320You've heard of the bishop of Birmingham, 5321Well, here's the new story concerning 'im : 5322 He buggers the choir 5323 As they sing "Ave Maria," 5324And fucks all the girls whilst confirming 'em. 5325% 5326