1!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH 2% 3(1) Alexander the Great was a great general. 4(2) Great generals are forewarned. 5(3) Forewarned is forearmed. 6(4) Four is an even number. 7(5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have. 8(6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity. 9 10Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms. 11% 12(1) Everything depends. 13(2) Nothing is always. 14(3) Everything is sometimes. 15% 161.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's 17the law! 18% 1910.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0. 20% 21100 buckets of bits on the bus 22100 buckets of bits 23Take one down, short it to ground 24FF buckets of bits on the bus 25 26FF buckets of bits on the bus 27FF buckets of bits 28Take one down, short it to ground 29FE buckets of bits on the bus 30 31ad infinitum... 32% 33$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at 34which time it will be worth absolutely nothing. 35 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 36% 37101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR 38 (1) Scarecrow for centipedes 39 (2) Dead cat brush 40 (3) Hair barrettes 41 (4) Cleats 42 (5) Self-piercing earrings 43 (6) Fungus trellis 44 (7) False eyelashes 45 (8) Prosthetic dog claws 46 . 47 . 48 . 49 (99) Window garden harrow (pulled behind Tonka tractors) 50 (100) Killer velcro 51 (101) Currency 52% 53186,282 miles per second: 54 55It isn't just a good idea, it's the law! 56% 572180, U.S. History question: 58 What 20th Century U.S. President was almost impeached and what 59office did he later hold? 60% 61$3,000,000 62% 63"355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible 64simulation!" 65% 6643rd Law of Computing: 67 Anything that can go wr 68fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped 69% 7077. HO HUM -- The Redundant 71 72------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme 73--- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife 74------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. You are working 75---O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop the 76---X--- (9) GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates to 77--- --- (8) nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex. 78 79Nine in the second place means: 80 The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune. 81 82Six in the third place means: 83 In former times men built altars to honor the Internal Revenue 84 Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble! 85% 867:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) 87 The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National 88 Redwood Forest. 89% 907:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) 91 The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the 92 Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus. 93% 9499 blocks of crud on the disk, 9599 blocks of crud! 96You patch a bug, and dump it again: 97100 blocks of crud on the disk! 98 99100 blocks of crud on the disk, 100100 blocks of crud! 101You patch a bug, and dump it again: 102101 blocks of crud on the disk! ... 103% 104A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a 105"Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble. 106 -- Mahatma Ghandi 107% 108A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. 109Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific 110game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have 111traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, 112preferably atop a nice firm tuft of grass. 113 -- Donald A. Metz 114% 115A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and 116placed in the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or 117rolled into the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results 118from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball 119and the player should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the 120ball resulting from such uncontrollable physical 121phenomena. 122 -- Donald A. Metz 123% 124A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no 125responsibility at the other. 126% 127A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on. 128 -- Carl Sandburg 129% 130A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out 131of a divorce. 132 -- Don Quinn 133% 134A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining 135and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. 136 -- Mark Twain 137% 138A billion here, a couple of billion there -- first thing you know it 139adds up to be real money. 140 -- Senator Everett McKinley Dirksen 141% 142A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him. 143% 144A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring. 145% 146A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose. 147% 148... A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you 149have turned into a pile of dust. 150% 151A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have 152enlightened him with ours. 153% 154A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well 155as afterward. 156% 157A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the 158poor to protect them from each other. 159% 160A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness. 161% 162A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not 163mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty 164trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators. 165 -- Dave Barry 166% 167A child of five could understand this! Fetch me a child of five. 168% 169A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon. 170Avoid him. He's a Commie. 171% 172A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but 173won't cross the street to vote in a national election. 174 -- Bill Vaughan 175% 176A city is a large community where people are lonesome together. 177 -- Herbert Prochnow 178% 179A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody 180wants to read. 181 -- Mark Twain, "The Disappearance of Literature" 182% 183A closed mouth gathers no foot. 184% 185A computer, to print out a fact, 186Will divide, multiply, and subtract. 187 But this output can be 188 No more than debris, 189If the input was short of exact. 190 -- Gigo 191% 192A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking. 193% 194A CONS is an object which cares. 195 -- Bernie Greenberg. 196% 197A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it 198is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it. 199% 200A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper. 201 -- Dyer 202% 203A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the 204damned things is ample. 205 -- Rebecca West 206% 207A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. 208 -- Ben Franklin 209% 210A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison 211And had an affair with a Saracen. 212 She was not oversexed, 213 Or jealous or vexed, 214She just wanted to make a comparison. 215% 216A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen 217lantern. 218 -- Edgar A. Shoaff 219% 220A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it? 221% 222A day without sunshine is like night. 223% 224A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur 225coat. 226% 227A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that 228you will look forward to the trip. 229% 230 A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was 231eating his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality 232test", said the outsider, "because I want you to be happy." 233 Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into 234the toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too". 235% 236A diva who specializes in risqu'e arias is an off-coloratura soprano ... 237% 238 A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing 239about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their 240arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon 241the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because 242Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply 243incredible surgical feat." 244 The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the 245Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of 246that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an 247architect." 248 The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said, 249"Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?" 250% 251A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. 252 -- Ogden Nash 253% 254A dozen, a gross, and a score, 255Plus three times the square root of four, 256 Divided by seven, 257 Plus five times eleven, 258Equals nine squared plus zero, no more. 259% 260A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a 261Xerox 1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser. 262Wanting to help, the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network 263with the mouse, and asked "what do you see?" Very earnestly, the 264Undergraduate replied "I see a cursor." The Hacker then quickly 265pressed the boot toggle at the back of the keyboard, while 266simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head with a thick 267Interlisp Manual. The Undergraduate was then Enlightened. 268% 269A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the 270subject. 271 -- Winston Churchill 272% 273A fool must now and then be right by chance. 274% 275A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into 276superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education. 277 -- G. B. Shaw 278% 279A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block 280of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an 281elephant. 282% 283A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used. 284 -- D. Gries 285% 286"A fractal is by definition a set for which the Hausdorff Besicovitch 287dimension strictly exceeds the topological dimension." 288 -- Mandelbrot, "The Fractal Geometry of Nature" 289% 290A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular. 291 -- Adlai Stevenson 292% 293A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than 294he could be elected Pope of Rome. Both high posts are reserved for men 295favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter 296facts of life in bandages of self-illusion. 297 -- H. L. Mencken 298% 299A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding 300ducks. 301 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 302% 303A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident. 304A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident. 305But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *____that ___had __to ____mean _________something*. 306 -- S. Morganstern, "The Silent Gondoliers" 307% 308A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort 309of). 310% 311A good question is never answered. It is not a bolt to be tightened 312into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the 313hope of greening the landscape of idea. 314 -- John Ciardi 315% 316A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely 317rearranging their prejudices. 318 -- William James 319% 320A great nation is any mob of people which produces at least one honest 321man a century. 322% 323A hypothetical paradox: 324 What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security 325team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of 326Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet? 327 -- Tom Galloway 328% 329A is for Amy who fell down the stairs, B is for Basil assaulted by bears. 330C is for Clair who wasted away, D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh. 331E is for Ernest who choked on a peach, F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech. 332G is for George, smothered under a rug, H is for Hector, done in by a thug. 333I is for Ida who drowned in the lake, J is for James who took lye, by mistake. 334K is for Kate who was struck with an axe, L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks. 335M is for Maud who was swept out to sea, N is for Nevil who died of ennui. 336O is for Olive, run through with an awl, P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl 337Q is for Quinton who sank in a mire, R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire. 338S is for Susan who parished of fits, T is for Titas who flew into bits. 339U is for Una who slipped down a drain, V is for Victor, squashed under a train. 340W is for Winnie, embedded in ice, X is for Xercies, devoured by mice. 341Y is for Yoric whose head was bashed in, Z is for Zilla who drank too much gin. 342 -- Edward Gorey "The Gastly Crumb Tines" 343% 344A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. 345% 346A jury consists of 12 persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer. 347 -- Robert Frost 348% 349A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction. 350% 351A lady with one of her ears applied 352To an open keyhole heard, inside, 353Two female gossips in converse free -- 354The subject engaging them was she. 355"I think", said one, "and my husband thinks 356That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!" 357As soon as no more of it she could hear 358The lady, indignant, removed her ear. 359"I will not stay," she said with a pout, 360"To hear my character lied about!" 361 -- Gopete Sherany 362% 363A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is 364not worth knowing. 365% 366A language that doesn't have everything is actually easier to program 367in than some that do. 368 -- Dennis M. Ritchie 369% 370A large number of installed systems work by fiat. That is, they work 371by being declared to work. 372 -- Anatol Holt 373% 374A Law of Computer Programming: 375 Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you 376will find the programmers cannot write in English. 377% 378A limerick packs laughs anatomical 379Into space that is quite economical. 380 But the good ones I've seen 381 So seldom are clean, 382And the clean ones so seldom are comical. 383% 384A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of 385nothing. 386 -- Alan Perlis 387% 388A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation. 389 -- H. H. Munroe, "Saki" 390% 391A long memory is the most subversive idea in America. 392% 393A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any 394price. 395% 396A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in 397his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and 398exceptional ability in that particular field." 399% 400A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths. 401 -- Steve Wright 402% 403A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I 404believe everything positively stinks. 405 -- Lew Col 406% 407 A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The 408first thing he notices is that the arms are too long. 409 "No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow 410and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine." 411 "But the collar is up around my ears!" 412 "It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a 413little more ... that's it." 414 "But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation. 415 "Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you 416go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly." 417 So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the 418street. Reba and Florence see him go by. 419 "Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!" 420 "Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit." 421 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 422% 423A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!" 424 425"However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a 426sense of obligation." 427 -- Stephen Crane 428% 429A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package. 430% 431 A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his 432novices. "The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how 433insignificant," said the master. 434 435 "Is Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice. 436 437 "It is," came the reply. 438 439 "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice. 440 441 "It is even in a video game," said the master. 442 443 "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?" 444 445 The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The 446lesson is over for today," he said. 447 -- "The Tao of Programming" 448% 449A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems. 450% 451A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed 452on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new 453game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the 454pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly 455along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their 456heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn 457around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite 458direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the 459paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin 460colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins 461fall over gently onto their backs. 462 -- Audubon Society Magazine 463% 464 A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at 465the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the 466pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite 467nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if ..." 468 "If what?" asked the composer. 469 "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?" 470% 471A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey. "It is out 472on loan," the teacher replied. At that moment, the donkey brayed 473loudly inside the stable. "But I can hear it bray, over there." "Whom 474do you believe," asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?" 475% 476A new dramatist of the absurd 477Has a voice that will shortly be heard. 478 I learn from my spies 479 He's about to devise 480An unprintable three-letter word. 481% 482A new koan: 483 484 If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you. 485 486 If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you. 487 488It is an ice cream koan. 489% 490A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary. 491Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a round tuit now 492has no excuse for further procrastination. 493% 494A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the movies 495insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the 496right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them. 497% 498A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the 499rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion. 500% 501 A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which 502removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to 503doing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous 504amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware 505limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the 506larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient 507power-down sequence. 508 An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the 509building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has 510bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer 511cool. 512% 513A novice was trying to fix a broken Lisp machine by turning the power 514off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly: 515"You can not fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no 516understanding of what is going wrong." Knight turned the machine off 517and on. The machine worked. 518% 519A nuclear war can ruin your whole day. 520% 521A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space. 522 -- Gloria Steinem 523% 524A penny saved is ridiculous. 525% 526A person is just about as big as the things that make him angry. 527% 528A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms. 529 -- George Wald 530% 531A pig is a jolly companion, 532Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt -- 533A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale, 534Though mountains may topple and tilt. 535When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you, 536When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig, 537Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover, 538You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig, 539You'll never go wrong with a pig! 540 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" 541% 542 A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling 543 by Mark Twain 544 545 For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped 546to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer 547be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained 548would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 549might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the 550same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with 551"i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all. 552 Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear 553with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 554or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. 555Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi 556ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz 557ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli. 558 Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud 559hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld. 560% 561"A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!" 562 -- Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Sumatra" 563% 564A priest asked: What is Fate, Master? 565 566And the Master answered: 567 568It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence. 569 570It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs. 571 572It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City to City 573upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns have come 574to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness. 575 576And that is Fate? said the priest. 577 578Fate ... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master. 579 580That's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know what Freight was 581too. 582 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 583% 584 A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came 585upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. 586"That's what I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow 587man". 588 As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, 589he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing." 590% 591A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. 592% 593"A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis 594of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite 595series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric 596precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from 597inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical 598accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality 599for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly 600defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the 601information in the first place." 602 -- IEEE Grid news magazine 603% 604A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that 605your wife will give you for free. 606% 607A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be 608too heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which 609was intended for her preservation. 610 -- Colton 611% 612A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as 613"you could blow it in" may be blown in. This rule does not apply if 614the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants 615to make a travesty of the game. 616 -- Donald A. Metz 617% 618"A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results blacked 619out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon." 620 -- Steel City News 621% 622"A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives." 623% 624A reading from the Book of Armaments, Chapter 4, Verses 16 to 20: 625 626Then did he raise on high the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, saying, 627"Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny 628bits, in thy mercy." And the people did rejoice and did feast upon the 629lambs and toads and tree-sloths and fruit-bats and orangutans and 630breakfast cereals ... Now did the Lord say, "First thou pullest the 631Holy Pin. Then thou must count to three. Three shall be the number of 632the counting and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt 633thou not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then 634proceedeth to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being 635the number of the counting, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand 636Grenade in the direction of thine foe, who, being naughty in my sight, 637shall snuff it." 638 -- Monty Python, "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" 639% 640A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices 641that the system works. 642% 643A real person has two reasons for doing anything ... a good reason and 644the real reason. 645% 646A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen 647objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer 648scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added 649concentration needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three 650dimensional objects ... 651% 652A Riverside, California, health ordinance states that two persons may 653not kiss each other without first wiping their lips with carbolized 654rosewater. 655% 656A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man 657contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral. 658 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery 659% 660A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will 661keep him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those 662that are worth committing. 663 -- Samuel Butler 664% 665 A Severe Strain on the Credulity 666 667As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the highest 668parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket 669is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one 670considers the multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one 671begins to doubt ... for after the rocket quits our air and really 672starts on its journey, its flight would be neither accelerated nor 673maintained by the explosion of the charges it then might have left. 674Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in Clark College and countenancing 675of the Smithsonian Institution, does not know the relation of action to 676re-action, and of the need to have something better than a vacuum 677against which to react ... Of course he only seems to lack the 678knowledge ladled out daily in high schools. 679 -- New York Times Editorial, 1920 680% 681A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard. 682 -- Prof. Steiner 683% 684... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he 685was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity. 686 -- Mark Twain 687% 688A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows. 689 -- O'Henry 690% 691A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many 692bad measures. 693 -- Daniel Webster 694% 695A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an 696exam. 697% 698A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to 699Greenblatt. As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by. "Is it 700true," asked the student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as 701Lisp?" Almost before the student had finished his question, Greenblatt 702shouted, "FOO!", and hit the student with a stick. 703% 704A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something 705undreamed of by its author. 706 -- S. C. Johnson 707% 708A tautology is a thing which is tautological. 709% 710A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, 711and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others. 712 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 713% 714A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by 715blowing first. 716% 717A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene 718triangle. 719% 720A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. 721% 722A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest 723in students. 724 -- John Ciardi 725% 726"A University without students is like an ointment without a fly." 727 -- Ed Nather, professor of astronomy at UT Austin 728% 729A UNIX saleslady, Lenore, 730Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more. 731 She found a good way 732 To combine work and play: 733She sells C shells by the seashore. 734% 735A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature 736replaces it with. 737 -- Tennessee Williams 738% 739A very intelligent turtle 740Found programming UNIX a hurdle 741 The system, you see, 742 Ran as slow as did he, 743And that's not saying much for the turtle. 744% 745A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without 746getting nervous. 747% 748A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets 749people's attention. 750% 751A witty saying proves nothing. 752 -- Voltaire 753% 754A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to 755admit, let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact 756remains that there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one 757reason or another, completely immune to any direct magical spell. It 758is for this group of beings that the magician learns the subtleties of 759using indirect spells. It also does no harm, in dealing with these 760matters, to carry a large club near your person at all times. 761 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII 762% 763A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God. 764% 765A.A.A.A.A.: 766 An organization for drunks who drive 767% 768AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!! 769You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room! 770% 771Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy. 772% 773"About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the 774ends." 775 -- Herbert Hoover 776% 777Absence makes the heart go wander. 778% 779Absent, adj.: 780 Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed; 781slandered. 782% 783Absentee, n.: 784 A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove 785himself from the sphere of exaction. 786 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 787% 788Abstainer, n.: 789 A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a 790pleasure. 791 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 792% 793Absurdity, n.: 794 A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own 795opinion. 796 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 797% 798Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, 799because the stakes are so low. 800 -- Wallace Sayre 801% 802Accident, n.: 803 A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of 804body is better. 805 -- Foolish Dictionary 806% 807Accidents cause History. 808 809If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the 810Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not 811have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil 812could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and 813the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd. 814 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 815% 816According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest: "No person 817shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than 818fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening 819of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of 820the returns." 821% 822According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath at least 823once a year. 824% 825According to my best recollection, I don't remember. 826 -- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo 827% 828According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are 829totally worthless. 830% 831According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never 832dies. 833% 834According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to 835live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came 836in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much. 837Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime. 838 -- David Letterman 839% 840Accordion, n.: 841 A bagpipe with pleats. 842% 843Accuracy, n.: 844 The vice of being right. 845% 846 ACHTUNG!!! 847 848Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy 849schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit 850spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das 851rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und 852vatch das blinkenlights!!! 853% 854Acid -- better living through chemistry. 855% 856Acid absorbs 47 times its own weight in excess Reality. 857% 858Acquaintance, n.: 859 A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well 860enough to lend to. 861 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 862% 863"Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing." 864% 865Actor: "I'm a smash hit. Why, yesterday during the last act, I had 866 everyone glued in their seats!" 867Oliver Herford: "Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of 868 it!" 869% 870Actor: So what do you do for a living? 871Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving 872 dishes for Chinese restaurants. 873 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 874% 875Actors will happen even in the best-regulated families. 876% 877ADA, n.: 878 Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in 879 Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop 880 an ADA awareness." 881 -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984 882% 883Admiration, n.: 884 Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. 885 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 886% 887Adolescence, n.: 888 The stage between puberty and adultery. 889% 890"Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look 891like you ..." 892 -- Gilda Radner 893% 894Adore, v.: 895 To venerate expectantly. 896 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 897% 898Adult, n.: 899 One old enough to know better. 900% 901Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest 902way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless. 903 -- Sinclair Lewis 904% 905Advice to young men: Be ascetic, and if you can't be ascetic, 906then at least be aseptic. 907% 908After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose 909names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary 910Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted 911many important electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi 912Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two 913different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current 914developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer 915attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led 916to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today, 917skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously 918injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it 919hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact 920that it sinks like a stone. 921 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 922% 923After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out. 924It was replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life 925more advanced than the lichen family. 926 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do" 927% 928After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn. 929% 930"... After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known 931quotations." 932 -- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare 933% 934After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not 935for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have 936simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. 937 -- P. J. O'Rourke 938% 939After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found 940on the bench. 941% 942 After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from 943Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, 944and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon 945to be created." 946 "This is true," He replied. 947 "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly. 948 "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the 949right to make his laws?" 950 "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to 951make his own." 952 It was so granted. 953 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 954% 955"After I asked him what he meant, he replied that freedom consisted of 956the unimpeded right to get rich, to use his ability, no matter what the 957cost to others, to win advancement." 958 -- Norman Thomas 959% 960After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK? 961% 962After living in New York, you trust nobody, but you believe 963everything. Just in case. 964% 965After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access 966cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been 967removed. 968% 969Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a 970change. 971% 972Afternoon, n.: 973 That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the 974morning. 975% 976Age before beauty; and pearls before swine. 977 -- Dorothy Parker 978% 979Age, n.: 980 That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we 981still cherish by reviling those that we no longer have the enterprise 982to commit. 983 -- Ambrose Bierce 984% 985Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball. 986% 987Ah, but the choice of dreams to live, 988there's the rub. 989 990For all dreams are not equal, 991some exit to nightmare 992most end with the dreamer 993 994But at least one must be lived ... and died. 995% 996"Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the 997Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact 998that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately 999unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep 1000up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers." 1001 -- A analysis of Neo-Nazis, from "The Badger" comic 1002% 1003Air is water with holes in it. 1004% 1005Alas, I am dying beyond my means. 1006 -- Oscar Wilde, as he sipped champagne on his deathbed 1007% 1008Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire 1009telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New 1010York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? 1011And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they 1012receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat." 1013% 1014Alden's Laws: 1015 (1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause 1016 of pregnancy. 1017 (2) Always be backlit. 1018 (3) Sit down whenever possible. 1019% 1020Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall, 1021Aleph-null bottles of beer, 1022 You take one down, and pass it around, 1023Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall. 1024% 1025Alex Haley was adopted! 1026% 1027Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting 1028for a dial tone. 1029% 1030Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of 1031them keeps paying for it. 1032 -- Peggy Joyce 1033% 1034All [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent 1035upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a 1036visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is 1037informing, stimulating and ennobling. 1038 -- H. L. Mencken 1039% 1040All bridge hands are equally likely, but some are more equally likely 1041than others. 1042 -- Alan Truscott 1043% 1044All extremists should be taken out and shot. 1045% 1046All Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing 1047without thinking. 1048% 1049"All flesh is grass" 1050 -- Isaiah 1051Smoke a friend today. 1052% 1053All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. 1054% 1055All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own 1056importance. 1057% 1058All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled 1059by an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS ... 1060% 1061All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power. 1062 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 1063% 1064All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are 1065Socrates. 1066 -- Woody Allen 1067% 1068"All my friends and I are crazy. That's the only thing that keeps us 1069sane." 1070% 1071"All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more 1072specific." 1073 -- Jane Wagner 1074% 1075All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies. 1076 -- The Book of Bokonon / Kurt Vonnegut Jr. 1077% 1078All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of 1079the United States. 1080 -- Vic Gold 1081% 1082All power corrupts, but we need electricity. 1083% 1084All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors. 1085% 1086All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of 1087every organism to live beyond its income. 1088 -- Samuel Butler, "Notebooks" 1089% 1090All science is either physics or stamp collecting. 1091 -- E. Rutherford 1092% 1093"All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right 1094hands." 1095 -- Saint Patrick 1096% 1097All syllogisms have three parts; therefore this is not a syllogism. 1098% 1099All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, 1100too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you 1101subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you 1102can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S. 1103Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax 1104decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What 1105if it rains?" 1106 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" 1107% 1108"... all the modern inconveniences ..." 1109 -- Mark Twain 1110% 1111All the passions make us commit faults; love makes us commit the most 1112ridiculous ones. 1113 -- La Rochefoucauld 1114% 1115All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by 1116the government in less than a second. 1117 -- Jim Fiebig 1118% 1119All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed. 1120 -- Sean O'Casey 1121% 1122All the world's a VAX, 1123And all the coders merely butchers; 1124They have their exits and their entrails; 1125And one int in his time plays many widths, 1126His sizeof being _N bytes. At first the infant, 1127Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms. 1128And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun, 1129And shining morning face, creeping like slug 1130Unwillingly to school. 1131 -- A Very Annoyed PDP-11 1132% 1133All theoretical chemistry is really physics; 1134and all theoretical chemists know it. 1135 -- Richard P. Feynman 1136% 1137All things are possible, except skiing thru a revolving door. 1138% 1139All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for 1140fun. Money's just the way we keep score. 1141 -- Henry Tyroon 1142% 1143All true wisdom is found on T-shirts. 1144% 1145All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers ... Each one owes 1146infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in 1147which he was born. 1148 -- Francois Fenelon 1149% 1150Alliance, n.: 1151 In international politics, the union of two thieves who have 1152their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot 1153separately plunder a third. 1154 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1155% 1156Alone, adj.: 1157 In bad company. 1158 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1159% 1160Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight 1161Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. 1162 -- Dave Barry 1163% 1164Although the moon is smaller than the earth, it is farther away. 1165% 1166Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios, 1167mixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have 1168any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place 1169to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer, 1170Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lighting storm and received a 1171serious electrical shock. This proved that lighting was powered by the 1172same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely 1173that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as "A 1174penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he had to be given a job 1175running the post office. 1176 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 1177% 1178Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been 1179reissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the 1180day-to-day life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable 1181interest to outdoor minded readers, as it contains many passages on 1182pheasant-raising, the apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin, 1183and other chores and duties of the professional gamekeeper. 1184Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade through many pages of extraneous 1185material in order to discover and savour those sidelights on the 1186management of a midland shooting estate, and in this reviewer's opinion 1187the book cannot take the place of J. R. Miller's "Practical 1188Gamekeeping." 1189 -- Ed Zern, "Field and Stream" (Nov. 1959) 1190% 1191Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid 1192back. 1193% 1194Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else. 1195% 1196"Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing 1197that way." 1198% 1199Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves. 1200% 1201 AMAZING BUT TRUE ... 1202 1203If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end 1204across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful. 1205% 1206 AMAZING BUT TRUE ... 1207 1208There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it 1209would completely cover the Sahara Desert. 1210% 1211Ambidextrous, adj.: 1212 Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left. 1213 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1214% 1215Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. 1216 -- Charlie McCarthy 1217% 1218America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism 1219to decadence without touching civilization. 1220 -- John O'Hara 1221% 1222America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, 1223until people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and 1224changed its name to "America". 1225 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 1226% 1227American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective 1228employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for 1229employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference 1230between the men's room and the women's room without having little 1231pictures on the doors. 1232 -- Dave Barry, "Urine Trouble, Mister" 1233% 1234"Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it." 1235% 1236An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because 1237people refuse to see it. 1238 -- James Michener, "Space" 1239% 1240An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but 1241is always polite to traffic cops. 1242% 1243An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to 1244New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but 1245not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax. 1246 -- David Letterman 1247% 1248An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away. 1249% 1250 An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He 1251knows he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with 1252great restraint. 1253 As he designs the first work, frill after frill and 1254embellishment after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away 1255to be used "next time". Sooner or later the first system is finished, 1256and the architect, with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of 1257that class of systems, is ready to build a second system. 1258 This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs. 1259When he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will 1260confirm each other as to the general characteristics of such systems, 1261and their differences will identify those parts of his experience that 1262are particular and not generalizable. 1263 The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using 1264all the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first 1265one. The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile". 1266 -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month" 1267% 1268An artist should be fit for the best society and keep out of it. 1269% 1270An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree 1271murder. "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuffing his lover's 1272mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border. 1273Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the 1274suitcase. Now, I would like to stress that my client is *not* a 1275murderer. A sloppy packer, maybe..." 1276% 1277An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you 1278really care to know. 1279% 1280An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible. 1281% 1282An elephant is a mouse with an operating system. 1283% 1284An English judge, growing weary of the barrister's long-winded 1285summation, leaned over the bench and remarked, "I've heard your 1286arguments, Sir Geoffrey, and I'm none the wiser!" Sir Geoffrey 1287responded, "That may be, Milord, but at least you're better informed!" 1288% 1289An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose. 1290 -- A. P. Herbert 1291% 1292An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch. He 1293wears a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is 1294advertised only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and 1295Rich Protestant Golfer Magazine. The advertisements are written in 1296incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote 1297excellence: 1298 1299"The Rolex Hyperion. An elegant new standard in quality excellence and 1300discriminating handcraftsmanship. For the individual who is truly able 1301to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting 1302things by hand. Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold. No watch 1303parts or anything. Just a great big chunk on your wrist. Truly a 1304timeless statement. For the individual who is very secure. Who 1305doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful. 1306Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high 1307school. Because of his acne. People who are probably nowhere near as 1308successful as he is now. Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and 1309they'll see his Rolex Hyperion. Hahahahahahahahaha." 1310 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 1311% 1312An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future. 1313% 1314"... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often 1315picturesque liar." 1316 -- Mark Twain 1317% 1318An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God. Some of these 1319eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as 1320possible. 1321 -- Russell Hoban, "Pilgermann" 1322% 1323An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it. 1324% 1325 An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity 1326in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him. 1327 "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if 1328you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like 1329an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an 1330hour seems like a minute." 1331 The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a 1332moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?" 1333 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 1334% 1335"An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge." 1336% 1337Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no 1338government at all. 1339% 1340And as we stand on the edge of darkness 1341Let our chant fill the void 1342That others may know 1343 1344 In the land of the night 1345 The ship of the sun 1346 Is drawn by 1347 The grateful dead. 1348 1349 -- Tibetan "Book of the Dead," ca. 4000 BC. 1350% 1351... and furthermore ... I don't like your trousers. 1352% 1353And I heard Jeff exclaim, 1354As they strolled out of sight, 1355"Merry Christmas to all -- 1356You take credit cards, right?" 1357 -- "Outsiders" comic 1358% 1359... And malt does more than Milton can 1360To justify God's ways to man 1361 -- A. E. Housman 1362% 1363And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode. 1364% 1365"... And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of 1366your own." 1367 -- "Scoop" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter 1368 Preposterous Words 1369% 1370And so, men, we can see that human skin is an even more complex and 1371fascinating organ than we thought it was, and if we want to keep it 1372looking good, we have to care for it as though it were our own. One 1373approach is to undergo a painful surgical procedure wherein your skin 1374is turned inside-out, so the young cells are on the outside, but then 1375of course you have the unpleasant side effect that your insides 1376gradually fill up with dead old cells and you explode. So this 1377procedure is pretty much limited to top Hollywood stars for whom 1378youthful beauty is a career necessity, such as Elizabeth Taylor and 1379Orson Welles. 1380 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face" 1381% 1382"...and the fully armed nuclear warheads, are, of course, merely a 1383courtesy detail." 1384% 1385And this is a table ma'am. What in essence it consists of is a 1386horizontal rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical 1387columnar supports, which we call legs. The tables in this laboratory, 1388ma'am, are as advanced in design as one will find anywhere in the 1389world. 1390 -- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men" 1391% 1392 "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?" 1393asked the father of his little son. 1394 "Diet." 1395% 1396And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have 1397a sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks 1398tragedy, and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets 1399tragedy face to face, we have politics. 1400 -- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland, "Root Crops and 1401 Ground Cover" 1402% 1403Andrea: Unhappy the land that has no heroes. 1404Galileo: No, unhappy the land that _____needs heroes. 1405 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Life of Galileo" 1406% 1407Angels we have heard on High 1408Tell us to go out and Buy. 1409 -- Tom Lehrer 1410% 1411Ankh if you love Isis. 1412% 1413Anoint, v.: 1414 To grease a king or other great functionary already 1415sufficiently slippery. 1416 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1417% 1418 Another Glitch in the Call 1419 ------- ------ -- --- ---- 1420 (Sung to the tune of a recent Pink Floyd song.) 1421 1422We don't need no indirection 1423We don't need no flow control 1424No data typing or declarations 1425Did you leave the lists alone? 1426 1427 Hey! Hacker! Leave those lists alone! 1428 1429Chorus: 1430 All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call. 1431 All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call. 1432% 1433Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree. 1434% 1435Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but 1436television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom 1437and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that 1438offers whiter teeth *___and* fresher breath. 1439 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do" 1440% 1441 Answers to Last Fortune's Questions: 1442 1443(1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark). 1444(2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle. 1445(3) I don't know. 1446(4) Who cares? 1447(5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk, 1448 Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5. 1449(6) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my 1450 book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and 1451 bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of 1452 Papyrus Books). 1453% 1454Anthony's Law of Force: 1455 Don't force it; get a larger hammer. 1456% 1457Anthony's Law of the Workshop: 1458 Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible 1459 corner of the workshop. 1460 1461Corollary: 1462 On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike 1463 your toes. 1464% 1465Antonym, n.: 1466 The opposite of the word you're trying to think of. 1467% 1468Any clod can have the facts, but having an opinion is an art. 1469 -- Charles McCabe 1470% 1471Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art. 1472 -- Charles McCabe 1473% 1474Any dramatic series the producers want us to take seriously as a 1475representation of contemporary reality cannot be taken seriously as a 1476representation of anything -- except a show to be ignored by anyone 1477capable of sitting upright in a chair and chewing gum simultaneously. 1478 -- Richard Schickel 1479% 1480Any excuse will serve a tyrant. 1481 -- Aesop 1482% 1483Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that 1484this country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a 1485whole week. 1486% 1487Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to 1488sell it. 1489% 1490Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche 1491-- a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance, 1492my grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off 1493the fence." I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was 1494undoubtedly true. 1495 -- Solomon Short 1496% 1497Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there. 1498 -- Sydney J. Harris 1499% 1500Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger 1501object. 1502% 1503Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to 1504exactly the point of most pressure. 1505 -- Milt Barber 1506% 1507Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature. 1508 -- Rich Kulawiec 1509% 1510Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged 1511demo. 1512% 1513Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. 1514 -- Arthur C. Clarke 1515% 1516Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked 1517something. 1518% 1519Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours. 1520 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. 1521% 1522Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. 1523% 1524Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is 1525probably parked. 1526% 1527Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire. 1528% 1529Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is 1530supposed to be doing at the moment. 1531 -- Robert Benchley 1532% 1533Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm. 1534 -- Publius Syrus 1535% 1536Anyone can make an omelet with eggs. The trick is to make one with 1537none. 1538% 1539Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he 1540is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not 1541make messes in the house. 1542 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 1543% 1544Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. 1545 -- Samuel Goldwyn 1546% 1547Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad. 1548 -- W. C. Fields 1549% 1550Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no 1551account be allowed to do the job. 1552 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 1553% 1554Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never 1555tried taking candy from a baby. 1556 -- Robin Hood 1557% 1558Anything free is worth what you pay for it. 1559% 1560Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate. 1561% 1562Anything is good if it's made of chocolate. 1563% 1564Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. The label means the 1565price went up. The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW" 1566means the price went way up. 1567% 1568Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate. 1569% 1570Anything worth doing is worth overdoing. 1571% 1572"Apathy is not the problem, it's the solution" 1573% 1574Aphorism, n.: 1575 A concise, clever statement. 1576Afterism, n.: 1577 A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late. 1578 -- James Alexander Thom 1579% 1580APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of 1581the future for the problems of the past: it creates a new generation of 1582coding bums. 1583% 1584APL is a write-only language. I can write programs in APL, but I 1585can't read any of them. 1586 -- Roy Keir 1587% 1588Aquadextrous, adj.: 1589 Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off 1590with your toes. 1591 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 1592% 1593AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) 1594 You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. 1595 You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to 1596 be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same 1597 mistakes over and over again. People think you are stupid. 1598% 1599Arbitrary systems, pl.n.: 1600 Systems about which nothing general can be said, save "nothing 1601general can be said." 1602% 1603ARCHDUKE FERDINAND FOUND ALIVE -- 1604 FIRST WORLD WAR A MISTAKE 1605% 1606Are you a turtle? 1607% 1608"Arguments with furniture are rarely productive." 1609 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 1610% 1611ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19) 1612 You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You 1613 are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are 1614 not very nice. 1615% 1616Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your 1617shoes. 1618 -- Mickey Mouse 1619% 1620Armadillo: 1621 To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle 1622% 1623Arnold's Laws of Documentation: 1624 (1) If it should exist, it doesn't. 1625 (2) If it does exist, it's out of date. 1626 (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the 1627 first two laws. 1628% 1629Around computers it is difficult to find the correct unit of time to 1630measure progress. Some cathedrals took a century to complete. Can you 1631imagine the grandeur and scope of a program that would take as long? 1632 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 1633% 1634Art is anything you can get away with. 1635 -- Marshall McLuhan. 1636% 1637Art is either plagiarism or revolution. 1638 -- Paul Gauguin 1639% 1640Arthur's Laws of Love: 1641 (1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you 1642 remind them of someone else. 1643 (2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be 1644 delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of 1645 yourself in person. 1646% 1647Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum. 1648% 1649As a professional humorist, I often get letters from readers who are 1650interested in the basic nature of humor. "What kind of a sick 1651perverted disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask, 1652"that you make jokes about setting fire to a goat?" 1653 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" 1654% 1655As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual 1656certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I 1657became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can 1658meet girls. 1659 -- Matt Cartmill 1660% 1661As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not 1662certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. 1663 -- Albert Einstein 1664% 1665As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. 1666 -- Weisert 1667% 1668As I was going up Punch Card Hill, 1669 Feeling worse and worser, 1670There I met a C.R.T. 1671 And it drop't me a cursor. 1672 1673C.R.T., C.R.T., 1674 Phosphors light on you! 1675If I had fifty hours a day 1676 I'd spend them all at you. 1677 1678 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes 1679% 1680As I was passing Project MAC, 1681I met a Quux with seven hacks. 1682Every hack had seven bugs; 1683Every bug had seven manifestations; 1684Every manifestation had seven symptoms. 1685Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks, 1686How many losses at Project MAC? 1687% 1688As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great 1689industries are secure. We hear about constitutional rights, free 1690speech and the free press. Every time I hear these words I say to 1691myself, "That man is a Red, that man is a Communist". You never hear a 1692real American talk like that. 1693 -- Frank Hague (1896-1956) 1694% 1695As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong? 1696% 1697As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its 1698fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be 1699popular. 1700 -- Oscar Wilde 1701% 1702As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code. 1703% 1704"As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 1705programs; a process that traditionally requires some debugging." 1706 -- USA Today, referring to the IRS switchover to a new 1707 computer system. 1708% 1709As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it 1710wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had 1711to be discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized 1712that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in 1713finding mistakes in my own programs. 1714 -- Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949 1715% 1716As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably because it's 1717so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. 1718 -- Woody Allen 1719% 1720As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there 1721is always a future in Computer Maintenance. 1722 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 1723% 1724As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such thing as a free 1725variable." 1726% 1727As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple 1728memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time 1729to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A, 1730E, or U is the proper time for chocolate. 1731 -- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion" 1732% 1733As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would 1734interfere with flight. [In fact, this was the big breakthrough for the 1735Wright Brothers. They were watching birds one day, trying to figure 1736out how to get their crude machine to fly, when suddenly it dawned on 1737Wilbur. "Orville," he said, "all we have to do is remove the sexual 1738organs!" You should have seen their original design.] As a result, 1739birds are very, very difficult to arouse sexually. You almost never 1740see an aroused bird. So when they want to reproduce, birds fly up and 1741stand on telephone lines, where they monitor telephone conversations 1742with their feet. When they find a conversation in which people are 1743talking dirty, they grip the line very tightly until they are both 1744highly aroused, at which point the female gets pregnant. 1745 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every 1746 Teen Should Know" 1747% 1748As you reach for the web, a venomous spider appears. Unable to pull 1749your hand away in time, the spider promptly, but politely, bites you. 1750The venom takes affect quickly causing your lips to turn plaid along 1751with your complexion. You become dazed, and in your stupor you fall 1752from the limbs of the tree. Snap! Your head falls off and rolls all 1753over the ground. The instant before you croak, you hear the whoosh of 1754a vacuum being filled by the air surrounding your head. Worse yet, the 1755spider is suing you for damages. 1756% 1757As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself." 1758% 1759ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS. 1760% 1761Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if 1762one went to Harvard). 1763 -- Edgar R. Fiedler 1764% 1765Ask not for whom the <CONTROL-G> tolls. 1766% 1767Ask Not for whom the Bell Tolls, and You will Pay only the 1768Station-to-Station rate. 1769% 1770Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls ... if thou art in the 1771bathtub, it tolls for thee. 1772% 1773Ask your boss to reconsider -- it's so difficult to take "Go to hell" 1774for an answer. 1775% 1776"Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old 1777woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, `The way I look at it, 1778she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds.'" 1779 -- David Letterman 1780% 1781Ass, n.: 1782 The masculine of "lass". 1783% 1784Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve. 1785Run with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be 1786strengthened. Keep the company of bums and you will become a bum. 1787Hang around with rich people and you will end by picking up the check 1788and dying broke. 1789 -- Stanley Walker 1790% 1791"At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from Los 1792Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head 1793under the exhaust of a bus until he revived." 1794% 1795At any given moment, an arrow must be either where it is or where it is 1796not. But obviously it cannot be where it is not. And if it is where 1797it is, that is equivalent to saying that it is at rest. 1798 -- Zeno's paradox of the moving (still?) arrow 1799% 1800At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial 1801challenge roughly comparable to herding cats. 1802 -- The Washington Post Magazine, 9 June, 1985 1803% 1804At least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand. 1805 -- J. B. White 1806% 1807"At least they're ___________EXPERIENCED incompetents" 1808% 1809At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his 1810thumb with a hammer. 1811 -- Marshall Lumsden 1812% 1813At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will 1814find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on 1815the computer. 1816% 1817Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole 1818or street lamp. 1819% 1820Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason. 1821 -- Winston Churchill 1822% 1823Authors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whatever 1824depths they were once able to plumb. 1825 -- Stanley Kaufman 1826% 1827Automobile, n.: 1828 A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians. 1829% 1830Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep. 1831 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 1832% 1833Avoid reality at all costs. 1834% 1835Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but 1836we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you. 1837 -- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student 1838% 1839Bacchus, n.: 1840 A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for 1841getting drunk. 1842 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1843% 1844Bagbiter: 1845 1. n.; Equipment or program that fails, usually 1846intermittently. 2. adj.: Failing hardware or software. "This 1847bagbiting system won't let me get out of spacewar." Usage: verges on 1848obscenity. Grammatically separable; one may speak of "biting the 1849bag". Synonyms: LOSER, LOSING, CRETINOUS, BLETCHEROUS, BARFUCIOUS, 1850CHOMPER, CHOMPING. 1851% 1852Bagdikian's Observation: 1853 Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American 1854newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a 1855ukulele. 1856% 1857Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry: 1858 A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides 1859by governors. 1860% 1861Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare. 1862% 1863Banectomy, n.: 1864 The removal of bruises on a banana. 1865 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 1866% 1867Bank error in your favor. Collect $200. 1868% 1869Barach's Rule: 1870 An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician. 1871% 1872Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they point upward from the 1873floor -- especially in the dark. 1874% 1875Barometer, n.: 1876 An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we 1877are having. 1878 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1879% 1880Barth's Distinction: 1881 There are two types of people: those who divide people into two 1882types, and those who don't. 1883% 1884Baruch's Observation: 1885 If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. 1886% 1887Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game -- it, and high 1888taxes. 1889 -- Will Rogers 1890% 1891Basic is a high level languish. 1892APL is a high level anguish. 1893% 1894"BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of `Scientific Creationism'." 1895% 1896BASIC, n.: 1897 A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in 1898that those who have it will not admit it in polite company. 1899% 1900Bathquake, n.: 1901 The violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water 1902faucet is turned on to a certain point. 1903 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 1904% 1905Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your 1906door. 1907% 1908BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts ...) 1909% 1910Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely 1911get your Feet wet. Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your 1912face. 1913 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 1914% 1915Be braver -- you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps. 1916% 1917Be careful of reading health books. You might die of a misprint. 1918 -- Mark Twain 1919% 1920Be different: conform. 1921% 1922Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so 1923get used to it. 1924% 1925Be security conscious -- National Defense is at stake. 1926% 1927Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and 1928miss 1929 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 1930% 1931Bees are very busy souls 1932They have no time for birth controls 1933And that is why in times like these 1934There are so many Sons of Bees. 1935% 1936 Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and 1937took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his 1938followers. 1939 One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and 1940there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing. 1941 "Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his 1942commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your 1943Purpose in Life, anyway?" 1944 Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The 1945Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.) 1946 Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened. 1947 Primarily because nobody understood Chinese. 1948 -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters" 1949% 1950Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego. 1951% 1952Begathon, n.: 1953 A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so 1954you won't have to watch commercials. 1955% 1956Behold the warranty ... the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh 1957away. 1958% 1959Beifeld's Principle: 1960 The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and 1961 receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression 1962 when he is already in the company of: 1963 (1) a date, 1964 (2) his wife, 1965 (3) a better looking and richer male friend. 1966% 1967"Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!" <huff, huff> 1968% 1969Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone. 1970% 1971Bennett's Laws of Horticulture: 1972 (1) Houses are for people to live in. 1973 (2) Gardens are for plants to live in. 1974 (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant. 1975% 1976"Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence" 1977 -- Time Bandits 1978% 1979Besides the device, the box should contain: 1980 1981* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING" 1982 1983* A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two 1984 club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns. 1985 1986YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram 1987cable. 1988 1989IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your 1990spouse and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car 1991that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King 1992without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's 1993why." 1994 1995WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret. 1996 -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!" 1997% 1998Best of all is never to have been born. Second best is to die soon. 1999% 2000better !pout !cry 2001better watchout 2002lpr why 2003santa claus < north pole > town 2004 2005cat /etc/passwd > list 2006ncheck list 2007ncheck list 2008cat list | grep naughty > nogiftlist 2009cat list | grep nice > giftlist 2010santa claus < north pole > town 2011 2012who | grep sleeping 2013who | grep awake 2014who | egrep 'bad|good' 2015for (goodness sake) { 2016 be good 2017} 2018% 2019Better dead than mellow. 2020% 2021Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson 2022Bay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. 2023Using a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and 2024great effort pushing boulders into a single word. 2025 2026It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow. 2027Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin 2028equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the 2029destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass 2030both Parliament and Party. 2031 2032It stands today, a monument to human spirit. If life exists on other 2033planets, this may be the first message received from us. 2034 -- The Realist, November, 1964. 2035% 2036Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not 2037tried it. 2038 -- Donald Knuth 2039% 2040Beware of computerized fortune-tellers! 2041% 2042Beware of low-flying butterflies. 2043% 2044Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers. 2045 -- Leonard Brandwein 2046% 2047Beware of self-styled experts: an ex is a has-been, and a spurt is a 2048drip under pressure. 2049% 2050"Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and 2051finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full of 2052murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by 2053their ignorance the hard way." 2054 -- Kurt Vonnegut, "Cat's Cradle" 2055% 2056Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but 2057nothing of interest is easy. 2058% 2059Binary, adj.: 2060 Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes. 2061% 2062Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same 2063thing as division. 2064% 2065Bipolar, adj.: 2066 Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo, 2067New York 2068% 2069Birth, n.: 2070 The first and direst of all disasters. 2071 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2072% 2073Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic. 2074% 2075Bizoos, n.: 2076 The millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a 2077basketball. 2078 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 2079% 2080... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ... 2081% 2082Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt. 2083 -- Herbert Hoover 2084% 2085Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, 2086for they Shall be Known as Wheels. 2087% 2088BLISS is ignorance. 2089% 2090Blood flows down one leg and up the other. 2091% 2092Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier. 2093% 2094Blore's Razor: 2095 Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is 2096funnier. 2097% 2098Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in 2099plain sight. It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again. The legend has 2100it that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. In fact, he was 2101arrested for drunk driving. The snakes left because people kept 2102throwing up on them. 2103% 2104Boling's postulate: 2105 If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it. 2106% 2107Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom: 2108 Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so 2109 vividly manifests their lack of progress. 2110% 2111Bombeck's Rule of Medicine: 2112 Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. 2113% 2114BOO! We changed Coke again! BLEAH! BLEAH! 2115% 2116Boob's Law: 2117 You always find something in the last place you look. 2118% 2119Bore, n.: 2120 A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary. 2121 -- Walter Winchell 2122% 2123Bore, n.: 2124 A person who talks when you wish him to listen. 2125 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2126% 2127Boren's Laws: 2128 (1) When in charge, ponder. 2129 (2) When in trouble, delegate. 2130 (3) When in doubt, mumble. 2131% 2132Boss, n.: 2133 According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages 2134 the words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss, 2135 in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an 2136 ornamental stud." 2137% 2138Boston State House is the hub of the Solar System. You couldn't pry 2139that out of a Boston man if you had the tire of all creation 2140straightened out for a crowbar. 2141 -- O. W. Holmes 2142% 2143Boston, n.: 2144 Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for 2145 finishing second in the Irish jig competition. 2146% 2147Boy, life takes a long time to live 2148 -- Steven Wright 2149% 2150Boy, n.: 2151 A noise with dirt on it. 2152% 2153Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least 2154when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years. 2155 -- James Thurber 2156% 2157Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men. 2158 -- Kin Hubbard 2159% 2160Brace yourselves. We're about to try something that borders on the 2161unique: an actually rather serious technical book which is not only 2162(gasp) vehemently anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides. I tend 2163to think of it as `Constructive Snottiness.' 2164 -- Mike Padlipsky, Foreword to "Elements of Networking Style" 2165% 2166Bradley's Bromide: 2167 If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a 2168 committee -- that will do them in. 2169% 2170Brady's First Law of Problem Solving: 2171 When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more 2172 easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger 2173 have handled this?" 2174% 2175Brain fried -- Core dumped 2176% 2177Brain, n.: 2178 The apparatus with which we think that we think. 2179 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2180% 2181Brain, v. [as in "to brain"]: 2182 To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source of 2183 error in an opponent. 2184 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2185% 2186Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests, 2187since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind. 2188 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 2189% 2190Bride, n.: 2191 A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. 2192 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2193% 2194Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may 2195revitalize the corner saloon. 2196% 2197British Israelites: 2198 The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of 2199Britain to be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by 2200Sargon of Assyria on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further 2201believe that the future can be foretold by the measurements of the 2202Great Pyramid, which probably means it will be big and yellow and in 2203the hand of the Arabs. They also believe that if you sleep with your 2204head under the pillow a fairy will come and take all your teeth. 2205 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 2206% 2207Broad-mindedness, n.: 2208 The result of flattening high-mindedness out. 2209% 2210Brontosaurus Principle: 2211 Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them 2212in relation to their environment and to their own physiology: when 2213this occurs, they are an endangered species. 2214 -- Thomas K. Connellan 2215% 2216Brook's Law: 2217 Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later 2218% 2219Brooke's Law: 2220 Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool 2221 discovers something which either abolishes the system or 2222 expands it beyond recognition. 2223% 2224Bubble Memory, n.: 2225 A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's 2226 intelligence. See also "vacuum tube". 2227% 2228Bucy's Law: 2229 Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. 2230% 2231Bug, n.: 2232 An aspect of a computer program which exists because the 2233programmer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he 2234wrote the program. 2235 2236Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed. 2237 -- Ray Simard 2238% 2239Bugs, pl. n.: 2240 Small living things that small living boys throw on small 2241living girls. 2242% 2243BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the 2244 outfit." 2245GENERAL: "What does that make YOU?" 2246BULLWINKLE: "What else? An executive." 2247 -- Jay Ward 2248% 2249Bumper sticker: 2250 2251"All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British 2252manufacture" 2253% 2254Bureaucrat, n.: 2255 A person who cuts red tape sideways. 2256 -- J. McCabe 2257% 2258Bureaucrat, n.: 2259 A politician who has tenure. 2260% 2261Bureaucrats cut red tape -- lengthwise. 2262% 2263Burn's Hog Weighing Method: 2264 (1) Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a 2265 sawhorse. 2266 (2) Put the hog on one end of the plank. 2267 (3) Pile rocks on the other end until the plank is again 2268 perfectly balanced. 2269 (4) Carefully guess the weight of the rocks. 2270 -- Robert Burns 2271% 2272 But as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can 2273easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed 2274and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) 2275upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was 2276without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based 2277on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court 2278was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and 2279sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches, 2280human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value. 2281 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2282% 2283"But don't you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations 2284paws." 2285% 2286"But I don't like Spam!!!!" 2287% 2288 But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human 2289intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as 2290we can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues 2291that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding 2292of their world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard 2293example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads -- 2294makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing 2295whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a 2296finite or an infinite number. 2297 -- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds" 2298% 2299But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the 2300system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed, 2301analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses. 2302 -- Bruce Leverett, "Register Allocation in Optimizing 2303 Compilers" 2304% 2305"But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast 2306to the nearest gas station." 2307% 2308But scientists, who ought to know 2309Assure us that it must be so. 2310Oh, let us never, never doubt 2311What nobody is sure about. 2312 -- Hilaire Belloc 2313% 2314But soft you, the fair Ophelia: 2315Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws, 2316But get thee to a nunnery -- go! 2317 -- Mark "The Bard" Twain 2318% 2319But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who 2320was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal 2321education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in 23221877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of 2323American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was 2324invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he 2325invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant 2326adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends 2327electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the 2328electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant 2329part) sends it right back to the customer again. 2330 2331This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch 2332of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since 2333very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely. 2334In fact the last year any new electricity was generated in the United 2335States was 1937; the electric companies have been merely re-selling it 2336ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate 2337increases. 2338 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 2339% 2340But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad 2341place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge. 2342Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge? What is a 2343kludge, after all, but not enough Ks, not enough ROMs, not enough RAMs, 2344poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around? Have I 2345explained yet about the bytes? 2346% 2347... But we've only fondled the surface of that subject. 2348 -- Virginia Masters 2349% 2350"But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable 2351computers?" 2352% 2353Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes 2354Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn; 2355Less dear than army ants in apple pies 2356Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn, 2357Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit; 2358Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose 2359They suck, and like the double-breasted suit 2360Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose, 2361Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed; 2362And stem the produce of thy waspish wits: 2363Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed; 2364Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits. 2365Be off, I say; go bug somebody new, 2366Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you. 2367% 2368By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task 2369completely overwhelm you. 2370% 2371By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote. In fact, 2372it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others as it is to 2373invent. 2374 -- R. Emerson 2375 -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program 2376 (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.") 2377 [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to 2378 misconstrue all these misquotations?!?"] 2379% 2380By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began 2381to suspect 'Hungry' ... 2382 -- Gary Larson, "The Far Side" 2383% 2384By trying, we can easily learn to endure adversity -- another man's, I 2385mean. 2386 -- Mark Twain 2387% 2388Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to 2389point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very 2390fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are 2391often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people 2392from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B 2393that so many people from point A are so keen to get _____there. They often 2394wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell 2395they wanted to be. 2396 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 2397% 2398C, n.: 2399 A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like 2400 assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything 2401 else. It is either the best language available to the art today, or 2402 it isn't. 2403 -- Ray Simard 2404% 2405Cabbage, n.: 2406 A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as 2407 a man's head. 2408 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2409% 2410Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception. 2411 -- The mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989 2412% 2413Cahn's Axiom: 2414 When all else fails, read the instructions. 2415% 2416California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange. 2417 -- Fred Allen 2418% 2419California, n.: 2420 From Latin "calor", meaning "heat" (as in English "calorie" or 2421Spanish "caliente"); and "fornia'" for "sexual intercourse" or 2422"fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex." 2423 -- Ed Moran 2424% 2425Call on God, but row away from the rocks. 2426 -- Indian proverb 2427% 2428Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missile sighted, target 2429Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept. 2430% 2431Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle. 2432 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth 2433% 2434Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth 2435Corner, Vermont. 2436 -- Clarence Darrow 2437% 2438Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two 2439points. 2440 -- M. M. Johnston 2441% 2442Canada Bill Jone's Motto: 2443 It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. 2444 2445Supplement: 2446 A .44 magnum beats four aces. 2447% 2448Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. It's 2 cents 2449for postage and 30 cents for storage. 2450 -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post 2451% 2452Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain? 2453Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes, 2454A root or two, a torus and a node: 2455The inverse of my verse, a null domain. 2456 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 2457% 2458CANCER (June 21 - July 22) 2459 You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. 2460 They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. 2461 That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare 2462 recipients are Cancer people. 2463% 2464Canonical, adj.: 2465 The usual or standard state or manner of something. A true 2466story: One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some 2467annoyance at the use of jargon. Over his loud objections, we made a 2468point of using jargon as much as possible in his presence, and 2469eventually it began to sink in. Finally, in one conversation, he used 2470the word "canonical" in jargon-like fashion without thinking. 2471 Steele: "Aha! We've finally got you talking jargon too!" 2472 Stallman: "What did he say?" 2473 Steele: "He just used `canonical' in the canonical way." 2474% 2475CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19) 2476 You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do much 2477 of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any 2478 importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as 2479 they take root and become trees. 2480% 2481Captain Penny's Law: 2482 You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of 2483 the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom. 2484% 2485Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than 2486expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to 2487complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their 2488planning to reduce the time it takes. 2489% 2490Carmel, New York, has an ordinance forbidding men to wear coats and 2491trousers that don't match. 2492% 2493Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.: 2494 The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a dozen 2495 times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting 2496 it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. 2497 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 2498% 2499Cat, n.: 2500 Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer. 2501% 2502Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education. 2503 -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson" 2504% 2505Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health. 2506% 2507CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh.. 2508% 2509Cecil, you're my final hope 2510Of finding out the true Straight Dope 2511For I have been reading of Schrodinger's cat 2512But none of my cats are at all like that. 2513This unusual animal (so it is said) 2514Is simultaneously alive and dead! 2515What I don't understand is just why he 2516Can't be one or the other, unquestionably. 2517My future now hangs in between eigenstates. 2518In one I'm enlightened, in the other I ain't. 2519If *you* understand, Cecil, then show me the way 2520And rescue my psyche from quantum decay. 2521But if this queer thing has perplexed even you, 2522Then I will *___and* I won't see you in Schrodinger's zoo. 2523 -- Randy F., Chicago, "The Straight Dope, a compendium 2524 of human knowledge" by Cecil Adams 2525% 2526Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch. 2527% 2528Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the 2529center of the universe. The premise is wrong, but the navigation 2530works. An incorrect model can be a useful tool. 2531 -- Kelvin Throop III 2532% 2533Census Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, 2534how many? 2535% 2536Cerebus: I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel. 2537Jaka: Look, Cerebus-- Jaka has to tell you ... something 2538Cerebus: If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy 2539 out of it? 2540Jaka: Ugh! 2541Cerebus: You don't like apricot brandy? 2542 -- Cerebus #6, "The Secret" 2543% 2544Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long 2545walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They 2546then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy 2547health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, 2548not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find 2549only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the 2550others who have tried it. 2551 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2552% 2553Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, 2554But it's very funny-- 2555Did you ever try buying them without money? 2556 -- Ogden Nash 2557% 2558 Chapter 1 2559 2560The story so far: 2561 2562 In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot 2563of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. 2564% 2565Character Density, n.: 2566 The number of very weird people in the office. 2567% 2568Checkuary, n.: 2569 The thirteenth month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and ends 2570 when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his checks. 2571% 2572Chef, n.: 2573 Any cook who swears in French. 2574% 2575Chemicals, n.: 2576 Noxious substances from which modern foods are made. 2577% 2578Chemistry is applied theology. 2579 -- Augustus Stanley Owsley III 2580% 2581Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire. 2582% 2583Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36: 2584 Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn 2585headgear where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer". 2586 -- Chicago Reader 3/27/81 2587% 2588Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84: 2589 The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request 2590for overheated passengers. When your timer pops up, the driver will 2591cheerfully baste you. 2592 -- Chicago Reader 5/28/82 2593% 2594Chicago, n.: 2595 Where the dead still vote ... early and often! 2596% 2597Chicken Little only has to be right once. 2598% 2599Chicken Little was right. 2600% 2601Chicken Soup, n.: 2602 An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin, 2603 cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup 2604 can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother. 2605 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 2606% 2607Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every 2608effort to teach them good manners. 2609% 2610Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're 2611going to catch you in next. 2612 -- Franklin P. Jones 2613% 2614Children aren't happy without something to ignore, 2615And that's what parents were created for. 2616 -- Ogden Nash 2617% 2618Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for 2619word what you shouldn't have said. 2620% 2621Chism's Law of Completion: 2622 The amount of time required to complete a government project is 2623 precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it. 2624% 2625Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law: 2626 When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will. 2627% 2628Chivalry, Schmivalry! 2629 Roger the thief has a 2630 method he uses for 2631 sneaky attacks: 2632Folks who are reading are 2633 Characteristically 2634 Always Forgetting to 2635 Guard their own bac ... 2636% 2637Christ: 2638 A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time. 2639% 2640Churchill's Commentary on Man: 2641 Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the 2642 time he will pick himself up and continue on. 2643% 2644Cigarette, n.: 2645 A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in 2646 between. 2647% 2648Cinemuck, n.: 2649 The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which 2650 covers the floors of movie theaters. 2651 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 2652% 2653Clairvoyant, n.: 2654 A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that 2655 which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead. 2656 -- Ambrose Bierce 2657% 2658Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like 2659shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. 2660 -- Phyllis Diller 2661% 2662Cleanliness is next to impossible. 2663% 2664Cleveland still lives. God ____must be dead. 2665% 2666"Cleveland? Yes, I spent a week there one day." 2667% 2668Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery. 2669% 2670Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on 2671society. 2672 -- Mark Twain 2673% 2674COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance. 2675% 2676Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan. 2677% 2678Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- 2679"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am." 2680 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2681% 2682"Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong." 2683 -- Blair Houghton 2684% 2685Coincidence, n.: 2686 You weren't paying attention to the other half of what was 2687 going on. 2688% 2689Coincidences are spiritual puns. 2690 -- G. K. Chesterton 2691% 2692Cold, adj.: 2693 When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions. 2694% 2695Cold, adj.: 2696 When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own 2697pockets. 2698% 2699Collaboration, n.: 2700 A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the 2701 other fellow can spell. 2702% 2703College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the 2704faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if 2705the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms, 2706legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the 2707loss to humanity. 2708 -- H. L. Mencken 2709% 2710Colvard's Logical Premises: 2711 All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it 2712 won't. 2713 2714Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary: 2715 This is especially true when dealing with someone you're 2716 attracted to. 2717 2718Grelb's Commentary 2719 Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you. 2720% 2721Come, every frustum longs to be a cone, 2722And every vector dreams of matrices. 2723Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze: 2724It whispers of a more ergodic zone. 2725 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 2726% 2727Come, let us hasten to a higher plane, 2728Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn, 2729Their indices bedecked from one to _n, 2730Commingled in an endless Markov chain! 2731 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 2732% 2733Command, n.: 2734 Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in 2735such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control. 2736% 2737 COMMENT 2738 2739Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song, 2740A medley of extemporanea; 2741And love is thing that can never go wrong; 2742And I am Marie of Roumania. 2743 -- Dorothy Parker 2744% 2745Commitment, n.: 2746 Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs. 2747 The chicken was involved, the pig was committed. 2748% 2749Committee Rules: 2750 (1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner. 2751 (2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this 2752 stamps you as being wise. 2753 (3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the 2754 others. 2755 (4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed. 2756 (5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you 2757 popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for. 2758% 2759Committee, n.: 2760 A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group 2761 decide that nothing can be done. 2762 -- Fred Allen 2763% 2764Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to 2765be appointed to do the work. 2766% 2767Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at 2768different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing. 2769 -- Clive James 2770% 2771Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius. 2772 -- Josh Billings 2773% 2774Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. 2775 -- Albert Einstein 2776% 2777Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness 2778of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule." 2779 -- David Guaspari 2780% 2781Computer programmers do it byte by byte. 2782% 2783Computer Science is merely the post-Turing decline in formal systems 2784theory. 2785% 2786Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. 2787% 2788Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. 2789 -- Pablo Picasso 2790% 2791Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in 2792the world that just don't add up. 2793% 2794Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more 2795than the estimate the job will cost. 2796% 2797Conceit causes more conversation than wit. 2798 -- LaRouchefoucauld 2799% 2800Concept, n.: 2801 Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than 2802 $25,000. 2803% 2804... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *___did* quote anybody in this 2805business, it probably would be gibberish. 2806 -- Thom McLeod 2807% 2808Condense soup, not books! 2809% 2810Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is 2811good for dandruff. 2812 -- Peter de Vries 2813% 2814Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation. 2815% 2816Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that 2817would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that 2818you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer 2819maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS 2820OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY 2821UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED 2822IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD 2823WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND 2824SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, 2825RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, 2826RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE 2827FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT? 2828 -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!" 2829% 2830Connector Conspiracy, n: 2831 [probably came into prominence with the appearance of the 2832KL-10, none of whose connectors match anything else] The tendency of 2833manufacturers (or, by extension, programmers or purveyors of anything) 2834to come up with new products which don't fit together with the old 2835stuff, thereby making you buy either all new stuff or expensive 2836interface devices. 2837% 2838Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends. 2839 -- H. L. Mencken 2840% 2841Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking. 2842 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Mencken Chrestomathy" 2843% 2844Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. 2845% 2846Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you 2847wish you weren't. 2848% 2849"Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich." 2850 -- "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones] 2851% 2852Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then 2853give it back to them. 2854% 2855"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and 2856if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!" 2857 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" 2858% 2859"Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern 2860technology. Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat." 2861% 2862Conversation, n.: 2863 A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath 2864 is called the listener. 2865% 2866Conway's Law: 2867 In any organization there will always be one person who knows 2868 what is going on. 2869 2870 This person must be fired. 2871% 2872Coronation, n.: 2873 The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and visible 2874 signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite bomb. 2875 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2876% 2877Corrupt, adj.: 2878 In politics, holding an office of trust or profit. 2879% 2880Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a 2881muddle of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can 2882make of capitalism. 2883 -- Walter Lippmann 2884% 2885Corruption is not the #1 priority of the Police Commissioner. His job 2886is to enforce the law and fight crime. 2887 -- P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan 2888% 2889Court, n.: 2890 A place where they dispense with justice. 2891 -- Arthur Train 2892% 2893Coward, n.: 2894 One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. 2895 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2896% 2897[Crash programs] fail because they are based on the theory that, with 2898nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month. 2899 -- Wernher von Braun 2900% 2901Crime does not pay ... as well as politics. 2902 -- A. E. Newman 2903% 2904Critic, n.: 2905 A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries 2906 to please him. 2907 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2908% 2909Croll's Query: 2910 If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of? 2911% 2912cursor address, n: 2913 "Hello, cursor!" 2914 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 2915% 2916Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It 2917eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the 2918business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation. 2919 -- Johnny Hart 2920% 2921Cynic, n.: 2922 A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as 2923 they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking 2924 out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision. 2925 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2926% 2927Cynic, n.: 2928 One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye. 2929% 2930Dare to be naive. 2931 -- R. Buckminster Fuller 2932% 2933Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie. 2934% 2935Dave Mack: "Your stupidity, Allen, is simply not up to par." 2936Allen Gwinn: "Yours is." 2937% 2938Dawn, n.: 2939 The time when men of reason go to bed. 2940 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2941% 2942Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed. 2943% 2944%DCL-MEM-BAD, bad memory 2945VMS-F-PDGERS, pudding between the ears 2946% 2947Dealing with failure is easy: work hard to improve. Success is also 2948easy to handle: you've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to 2949improve. 2950% 2951Dear Lord: 2952 I just want *___one* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On 2953the other hand", again. 2954% 2955Dear Miss Manners: 2956 My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's 2957elbows on the table. However, I have read that one elbow, in between 2958courses, is all right. Which is correct? 2959 2960Gentle Reader: 2961 For the purpose of answering examinations in your home 2962economics class, your teacher is correct. Catching on to this 2963principle of education may be of even greater importance to you now 2964than learning correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners 2965believes that is. 2966% 2967Dear Miss Manners: 2968 Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from 2969your face. 2970 2971Gentle Reader: 2972 Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on 2973your face ... 2974% 2975Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part 2976of this complete breakfast". The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old 2977will be watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a 2978commercial for a children's compressed breakfast compound such as 2979"Froot Loops" or "Lucky Charms", and they always show it sitting on a 2980table next to some actual food such as eggs, and the announcer always 2981says: "Part of this complete breakfast". Don't that really mean, 2982"Adjacent to this complete breakfast", or "On the same table as this 2983complete breakfast"? And couldn't they make essentially the same claim 2984if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of shaving cream there, or a 2985dead bat? 2986 2987Answer: Yes. 2988 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" 2989% 2990Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe? 2991 2992Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business 2993signs to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a 2994word, as in: WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR 2995ANY ITEM'S. Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when 2996creating hand- lettered small-business signs is that you should put 2997quotation marks around random words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT 2998DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S. 2999 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" 3000% 3001Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy. 3002% 3003Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. 3004 -- R. Geis 3005% 3006Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings. 3007% 3008Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'. 3009% 3010Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down. 3011% 3012Death is only a state of mind. 3013 3014Only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else. 3015% 3016Death to all fanatics! 3017% 3018Decision maker, n.: 3019 The person in your office who was unable to form a task force 3020 before the music stopped. 3021% 3022Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really 3023overwhelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene 3024language may not be used by contestants when addressing members of the 3025judging panel, or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when 3026addressing contestants (unless struck by a boomerang). 3027 -- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing Assoc. 3028% 3029 Deck Us All With Boston Charlie 3030 3031Deck us all with Boston Charlie, 3032Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo! 3033Nora's freezin' on the trolley, 3034Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo! 3035 3036Don't we know archaic barrel, 3037Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou. 3038Trolley Molly don't love Harold, 3039Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo! 3040 -- Walt Kelly 3041% 3042"Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of 3043marvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a 3044theory", quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah, 3045those who can claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly 3046blessed. 3047 -- Randy Davis 3048% 3049default, n.: 3050 [Possibly from Black English "De fault wid dis system is you, 3051mon."] The vain attempt to avoid errors by inactivity. "Nothing will 3052come of nothing: speak again." -- King Lear. 3053 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 3054% 3055#define BITCOUNT(x) (((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255) 3056#define BX_(x) ((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777) \ 3057 - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333) \ 3058 - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111)) 3059 3060 -- really weird C code to count the number of bits in a word 3061% 3062 DELETE A FORTUNE! 3063 3064Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?! Wouldn't you like 3065to see some of them deleted from the system? You can! Just mail to 3066"fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it 3067gets expunged. 3068% 3069Deliberation, n.: 3070 The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is 3071buttered on. 3072 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 3073% 3074"Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow." 3075% 3076Demand the establishment of the government 3077in its rightful home at Disneyland. 3078% 3079Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than 3080we deserve. 3081 -- George Bernard Shaw 3082% 3083Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder 3084aloud what the country could do under first-class management. 3085 -- Senator Soaper 3086% 3087Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the 3088incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few. 3089 -- G. B. Shaw 3090% 3091Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you 3092don't think. 3093% 3094Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by 3095Jackasses. 3096 -- H. L. Mencken 3097% 3098Democracy is good. I say this because other systems are worse. 3099 -- Jawaharlal Nehru 3100% 3101Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people 3102are right more than half of the time. 3103 -- E. B. White 3104% 3105Democracy, n.: 3106 A government of the masses. Authority derived through mass 3107meeting or any other form of direct expression. Results in mobocracy. 3108Attitude toward property is communistic... negating property rights. 3109Attitude toward law is that the will of the majority shall regulate, 3110whether it is based upon deliberation or governed by passion, 3111prejudice, and impulse, without restraint or regard to consequences. 3112Result is demagogism, license, agitation, discontent, anarchy. 3113 -- U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932), 3114 since withdrawn. 3115% 3116Demographic polls show that you have lost credibility across the 3117board. Especially with those 14 year-old Valley girls. 3118% 3119Dentist, n.: 3120 A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls 3121 coins out of one's pockets. 3122 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 3123% 3124Despising machines to a man, 3125The Luddites joined up with the Klan, 3126 And ride out by night 3127 In a sheeting of white 3128To lynch all the robots they can. 3129 -- C. M. and G. A. Maxson 3130% 3131Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will 3132be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over 3133the table. 3134 -- The Anarchist Cookbook 3135% 3136 DETERIORATA 3137 3138Go placidly amid the noise and waste, 3139And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof. 3140Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep. 3141Rotate your tires. 3142Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself, 3143And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys. 3144Know what to kiss -- and when. 3145Remember that two wrongs never make a right, 3146But that three do. 3147Wherever possible, put people on "HOLD". 3148Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment, 3149And despite the changing fortunes of time, 3150There is always a big future in computer maintenance. 3151 3152 You are a fluke of the universe ... 3153 You have no right to be here. 3154 Whether you can hear it or not, the universe 3155 Is laughing behind your back. 3156 -- National Lampoon 3157% 3158DeVries's Dilemma: 3159 If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want 3160 hits the paper. 3161% 3162Did I say 2? I lied. 3163% 3164Did you know ... 3165 3166That no-one ever reads these things? 3167% 3168Did you know that clones never use mirrors? 3169 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 3170% 3171Did you know that if you took all the economists in the world and lined 3172them up end to end, they'd still point in the wrong direction? 3173% 3174Did you know that the voice tapes easily identify the Russian pilot 3175that shot down the Korean jet? At one point he definitely states: 3176 3177 "Natasha! First we shoot jet, then we go after moose and 3178 squirrel." 3179 3180 -- ihuxw!tommyo 3181% 3182Die, v.: 3183 To stop sinning suddenly. 3184 -- Elbert Hubbard 3185% 3186"Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a 3187conventional thing to happen to him." 3188 -- John Barrymore's dying words 3189% 3190Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little. 3191% 3192Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term. 3193Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight. 3194% 3195Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock. 3196% 3197Disc space -- the final frontier! 3198% 3199Disclaimer: "These opinions are my own, though for a small fee they be 3200yours too." 3201 -- Dave Haynie 3202% 3203Disclaimer: Any resemblance between the above views and those of my 3204employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely 3205coincidental. Any resemblance between the above and my own views is 3206non-deterministic. The question of the existence of views in the 3207absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader. 3208The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for 3209the second god coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal, 3210non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.) 3211% 3212Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art. 3213% 3214Distinctive, adj.: 3215 A different color or shape than our competitors. 3216% 3217Distress, n.: 3218 A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend. 3219 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 3220% 3221District of Columbia pedestrians who leap over passing autos to escape 3222injury, and then strike the car as they come down, are liable for any 3223damage inflicted on the vehicle. 3224% 3225Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery? 3226% 3227Do molecular biologists wear designer genes? 3228% 3229Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them. 3230% 3231Do not drink coffee in early a.m. It will keep you awake until noon. 3232% 3233Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to 3234anger. 3235% 3236"Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good 3237with ketchup." 3238% 3239Do not read this fortune under penalty of law. 3240Violators will be prosecuted. 3241(Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.)) 3242% 3243Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight. 3244% 3245Do not try to solve all life's problems at once -- learn to dread each 3246day as it comes. 3247 -- Donald Kaul 3248% 3249Do something unusual today. Pay a bill. 3250% 3251Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum. 3252% 3253Do you have lysdexia? 3254% 3255Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take 3256the time to take the dirt out of them? 3257% 3258"Do you think what we're doing is wrong?" 3259"Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!" 3260"I've never done anything illegal before." 3261"I thought you said you were an accountant!" 3262% 3263Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and 3264when it is bad, it is better than nothing. 3265 -- Dick Brandon 3266% 3267Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must 3268be good because the programmers hate it so much. 3269% 3270Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? 3271% 3272Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow. 3273% 3274Don't be humble ... you're not that great. 3275 -- Golda Meir 3276% 3277Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say. 3278% 3279Don't change the reason, just change the excuses! 3280 -- Joe Cointment 3281% 3282"Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly, 3283sincerely, extremely dangerously. 3284 3285They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs. 3286They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They 3287used intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used 3288finks. They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used 3289fallaron. They used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. 3290They used the bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. 3291They used treachery. They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. 3292They used applied physics. They used techniques of criminology. And 3293what the hell, they caught him. 3294 3295 -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man" 3296% 3297Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today! 3298% 3299Don't feed the bats tonight. 3300% 3301Don't get even -- get odd! 3302% 3303Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they can be terribly 3304misleading. Debug only code. 3305 -- Dave Storer 3306% 3307Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes 3308you nothing. It was here first. 3309 -- Mark Twain 3310% 3311Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while. 3312% 3313Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon. 3314% 3315Don't hit a man when he's down -- kick him; it's easier. 3316% 3317Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today. 3318% 3319Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam. 3320% 3321Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance. 3322% 3323Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone. 3324% 3325Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you. 3326% 3327Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy 3328it today you can do it again tomorrow. 3329% 3330Don't say "yes" until I finish talking. 3331 -- Darryl F. Zanuck 3332% 3333Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business. 3334Cheat. 3335 -- Ambrose Bierce 3336% 3337Don't suspect your friends -- turn them in! 3338 -- "Brazil" 3339% 3340Don't take life so serious, son, it ain't nohow permanent. 3341 -- Walt Kelly 3342% 3343Don't take life too seriously -- you'll never get out of it alive. 3344% 3345Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective. 3346% 3347"Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to 3348get more wax!!" 3349% 3350Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, it starts 3351avoiding you. 3352 -- The Old Farmer's Almanac 3353% 3354Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any 3355good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats. 3356 -- Howard Aiken 3357% 3358Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already 3359tomorrow in Australia. 3360 -- Charles Schultz 3361% 3362Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too 3363busy worrying over what you are thinking about them. 3364% 3365Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in? 3366% 3367Don Ameche: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill! Was she 3368 pretty? 3369W. C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of 3370 bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have to 3371 sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia. 3372Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative. 3373W. C.: It's almost impossible. 3374 -- W. C. Fields, from "The Further Adventures of Larson 3375 E. Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles" 3376% 3377 Double Bucky 3378 (Sung to the tune of "Rubber Duckie") 3379 3380Double bucky, you're the one! 3381You make my keyboard lots of fun 3382 Double bucky, an additional bit or two: 3383(Vo-vo-de-o!) 3384Control and Meta side by side, 3385Augmented ASCII, nine bits wide! 3386 Double bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few! 3387 3388Oh, I sure wish that I, 3389Had a couple of bits more! 3390Perhaps a set of pedals to make the number of bits four. 3391 3392Double bucky, left and right 3393OR'd together, outta sight! 3394 Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of 3395 Double bucky, I'm happy I heard of 3396 Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of you! 3397 3398 -- (C) 1978 by Guy L. Steele, Jr. 3399 (to Nicholas Wirth, who suggested that an extra bit 3400 be added to terminal codes on 36-bit machines for use 3401 by screen editors. [to the tune of "Rubber Ducky"]) 3402 3403% 3404Double-Blind Experiment, n.: 3405 An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is 3406fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied by a 3407strong belief in the tooth fairy. 3408% 3409Down with categorical imperative! 3410% 3411Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. 3412% 3413Drew's Law of Highway Biology: 3414 The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front 3415 of your eyes. 3416% 3417Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it *__is* fun trying. 3418% 3419Drive defensively. Buy a tank. 3420% 3421Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route! 3422% 3423Ducharme's Axiom: 3424 If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize 3425 yourself as part of the problem. 3426% 3427Ducharme's Precept: 3428 Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. 3429% 3430Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and 3431it holds the universe together. 3432 -- Carl Zwanzig 3433% 3434Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders 3435has been discontinued. 3436% 3437Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate 3438and captain of your soul. 3439% 3440Due to lack of disk space, this fortune database has been 3441discontinued. 3442% 3443 During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen 3444were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a 3445red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, 3446"Hey, you almost hit my wife." 3447 "Did I?" cried the hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a 3448shot at mine, over there." 3449% 3450During the next two hours, the system will be going up and down several 3451times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_~{o[po ~y oodsou>#w4k**n~po_~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o 3452% 3453"Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have 3454nothing whatever to do with it." 3455 -- W. Somerset Maugham (last words) 3456% 3457E Pluribus Unix 3458% 3459Eagleson's Law: 3460 Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more 3461months, might as well have been written by someone else. (Eagleson is 3462an optimist, the real number is more like three weeks.) 3463% 3464Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends 3465% 3466/earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can. 3467% 3468Earth is a beta site. 3469% 3470Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun. 3471 -- Jeff Berner 3472% 3473Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube: 3474 Black. Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the 3475cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of 3476the plastic underneath -- black. According to the instructions, this 3477means the puzzle is solved. 3478 -- Steve Rubenstein 3479% 3480 Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal. 3481% 3482"Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work." 3483% 3484Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists. 3485 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 3486% 3487Economics, n.: 3488 Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J. K. 3489Galbraith ... 3490 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 3491% 3492Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy 3493would turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it 3494hasn't. 3495 -- Robert Orben 3496% 3497Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a 3498percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor. 3499 -- Edgar R. Fiedler 3500% 3501Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent. 3502 -- Fred Allen 3503% 3504Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine. 3505 -- Irsin Edman 3506% 3507Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak! 3508 -- Bullwinkle Moose 3509% 3510Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks. 3511 -- Adlai Stevenson 3512% 3513Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many 3514people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from. The first syllable 3515comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg". I don't know where 3516the "nog" comes from. 3517 3518To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine gin and, if they are in 3519season, eggs... 3520% 3521Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain 3522of being a damned fool. 3523 -- Bellamy Brooks 3524% 3525Egotist, n.: 3526 A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me. 3527 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 3528% 3529Ehrman's Commentary: 3530 (1) Things will get worse before they get better. 3531 (2) Who said things would get better? 3532% 3533Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees. 3534 -- Ronald Reagan, famous movie star 3535% 3536Eleanor Rigby 3537 Sits at the keyboard 3538 And waits for a line on the screen 3539Lives in a dream 3540Waits for a signal 3541 Finding some code 3542 That will make the machine do some more. 3543What is it for? 3544 3545All the lonely users, where do they all come from? 3546All the lonely users, why does it take so long? 3547 3548Hacker MacKensie 3549Writing the code for a program that no one will run 3550It's nearly done 3551Look at him working, fixing the bugs in the night when there's 3552 nobody there. 3553What does he care? 3554 3555All the lonely users, where do they all come from? 3556All the lonely users, why does it take so long? 3557Ah, look at all the lonely users. 3558Ah, look at all the lonely users. 3559% 3560Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance. 3561% 3562 Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles, 3563called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you 3564have been drinking. Electrons travel at the speed of light, which in 3565most American homes is 110 volts per hour. This is very fast. In the 3566time it has taken you to read this sentence so far, an electron could 3567have traveled all the way from San Francisco to Hackensack, New Jersey, 3568although God alone knows why it would want to. 3569 The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current, 3570direct current, lightning, static, and European. Most American homes 3571have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one 3572direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents 3573harmful electron buildup in the wires. 3574 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 3575% 3576Electrocution, n.: 3577 Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements. 3578% 3579Elevators smell different to midgets. 3580% 3581Emerson's Law of Contrariness: 3582 Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we 3583 can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it. 3584% 3585Encyclopedia Salesmen: 3586 Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police 3587 and tell them your house is being burgled. 3588 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 3589% 3590Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless. 3591Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop. 3592 -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary 3593% 3594Entropy isn't what it used to be. 3595% 3596Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which 3597otherwise require harder thinking. 3598 -- Jerome Lettvin 3599% 3600Epperson's law: 3601 When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably 3602something his wife can beat him at. 3603% 3604Equal bytes for women. 3605% 3606Error in operator: add beer 3607% 3608Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven 3609 Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben; 3610Und aller-m"umsige Burggoven 3611 Dir mohmen R"ath ausgraben. 3612 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" 3613% 3614Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. 3615 -- Woody Allen 3616% 3617Etymology, n.: 3618 Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that 3619 were hard for the public to believe. The term "etymology" was 3620 formed from the Latin "etus" ("eaten"), the root "mal" ("bad"), 3621 and "logy" ("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are 3622 hard to swallow." 3623 -- Mike Kellen 3624% 3625Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to 3626speak it to? 3627 -- Clarence Darrow 3628% 3629Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. 3630 -- Will Rogers 3631% 3632Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral. 3633 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 3634% 3635Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United 3636States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only two cents a 3637day. 3638% 3639Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you 3640just how busy they are? 3641% 3642Ever since prehistoric times, wise men have tried to understand what, 3643exactly, make people laugh. That's why they were called "wise men." 3644All the other prehistoric people were out puncturing each other with 3645spears, and the wise men were back in the cave saying: "How about: 3646Would you please take my wife? No. How about: Here is my wife, please 3647take her right now. No How about: Would you like to take something? 3648My wife is available. No. How about ..." 3649 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" 3650% 3651Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it. 3652% 3653Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt. 3654% 3655Every four seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this 3656woman and stop her. 3657% 3658Every group has a couple of experts. And every group has at least one 3659idiot. Thus are balance and harmony (and discord) maintained. It's 3660sometimes hard to remember this in the bulk of the flamewars that all 3661of the hassle and pain is generally caused by one or two 3662highly-motivated, caustic twits. 3663 -- Chuq Von Rospach, about Usenet 3664% 3665Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired 3666signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not 3667fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not 3668spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the 3669genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way 3670of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is 3671humanity hanging on a cross of iron. 3672 -- Dwight Eisenhower, April 16, 1953 3673% 3674Every Horse has an Infinite Number of Legs (proof by intimidation): 3675 3676Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in 3677front they have fore-legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an 3678odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both even 3679and odd is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of 3680legs. Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere, 3681there is a horse that has a finite number of legs. But that is a horse 3682of another color, and by the [above] lemma ["All horses are the same 3683color"], that does not exist. 3684% 3685Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible. 3686 -- Frank Moore Colby 3687% 3688Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it. 3689% 3690Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own. 3691 -- Don Vonada 3692% 3693"Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95." 3694% 3695Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse. 3696 -- Miguel de Cervantes 3697% 3698Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the 3699richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work. 3700 -- Robert Orben 3701% 3702Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an orthonormal basis. 3703 3704It makes sense, when you don't think about it. 3705% 3706Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one 3707instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every 3708program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work. 3709% 3710Every program has two purposes -- one for which it was written and 3711another for which it wasn't. 3712% 3713Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits. 3714% 3715Every solution breeds new problems. 3716% 3717Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no 3718guarantee of eventual success. 3719% 3720"Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it." 3721% 3722Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness. 3723 -- Beckett 3724% 3725Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. 3726 -- Dykstra 3727% 3728Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. 3729% 3730Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had to be 3731taught how ___not to. So it is with the great programmers. 3732% 3733Everyone is a genius. It's just that some people are too stupid to 3734realize it. 3735% 3736Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic 3737formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the 3738scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact 3739wholly unconcerned with what ____does exist. Indeed, the banality of 3740existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to 3741discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the 3742problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the 3743mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were all, 3744one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely 3745different way ... 3746 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 3747% 3748Everyone talks about apathy, but no one ____does anything about it. 3749% 3750Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately, 3751no one we know belongs. 3752% 3753Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being 3754that a belch is more satisfying. 3755 -- Ingmar Bergman 3756% 3757Everything should be built top-down, except the first time. 3758% 3759Everything you know is wrong! 3760% 3761Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less 3762obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no 3763solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid. 3764There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no 3765straight lines. 3766 -- R. Buckminster Fuller 3767% 3768 Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping 3769mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as 3770"Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you 3771how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence", 3772"Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night 3773So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc. 3774 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 3775% 3776Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike the office water cooler. 3777% 3778Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator. 3779% 3780Excellent day to have a rotten day. 3781% 3782Excellent time to become a missing person. 3783% 3784Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from 3785acquiring the deadening effect of a habit. 3786 -- W. Somerset Maugham 3787% 3788Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility. 3789% 3790Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do 3791the work. 3792 -- John G. Pollard 3793% 3794Expect the worst. It's the least you can do. 3795% 3796Expense Accounts, n.: 3797 Corporate food stamps. 3798% 3799Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 3800 -- Olivier 3801% 3802Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake 3803when you make it again. 3804 -- Franklin P. Jones 3805% 3806Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and 3807the instruction afterward. 3808% 3809Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old 3810ones. 3811% 3812Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else. 3813% 3814Experience varies directly with equipment ruined. 3815% 3816Expert, n.: 3817 Someone who comes from out of town and shows slides. 3818% 3819Extract from Official Sweepstakes Rules: 3820 3821 NO PURCHASE REQUIRED TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE 3822 3823To claim your prize without purchase, do the following: (a) Carefully 3824cut out your computer-printed name and address from upper right hand 3825corner of the Prize Claim Form. (b) Affix computer-printed name and 3826address -- with glue or cellophane tape (no staples or paper clips) -- 3827to a 3x5 inch index card. (c) Also cut out the "No" paragraph (lower 3828left hand corner of Prize Claim Form) and affix it to the 3x5 card 3829below your address label. (d) Then print on your 3x5 card, above your 3830computer-printed name and address the words "CARTER & VAN PEEL 3831SWEEPSTAKES" (Use all capital letters.) (e) Finally place 3x5 card 3832(without bending) into a plain envelope [NOTE: do NOT use the the 3833Official Prize Claim and CVP Perfume Reply Envelope or you may be 3834disqualified], and mail to: CVP, Box 1320, Westbury, NY 11595. Print 3835this address correctly. Comply with above instructions carefully and 3836completely or you may be disqualified from receiving your prize. 3837% 3838F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm! 3839% 3840f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd. 3841% 3842f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng. 3843% 3844F: When into a room I plunge, I 3845 Sometimes find some VIOLET FUNGI. 3846 Then I linger, darkly brooding 3847 On the poison they're exuding. 3848 -- The Roguelet's ABC 3849% 3850Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable. 3851% 3852Fairy Tale, n.: 3853 A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers. 3854% 3855Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic 3856without looking to see whether the seeds move. 3857% 3858Faith, n: 3859 That quality which enables us to believe what we know to be 3860 untrue. 3861% 3862Fakir, n: 3863 A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost 3864 religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources 3865 seem to have shinnied up a rope and vanished. 3866% 3867Familiarity breeds attempt. 3868% 3869Families, when a child is born 3870Want it to be intelligent. 3871I, through intelligence, 3872Having wrecked my whole life, 3873Only hope the baby will prove 3874Ignorant and stupid. 3875Then he will crown a tranquil life 3876By becoming a Cabinet Minister 3877 -- Su Tung-p'o 3878% 3879Famous last words: 3880% 3881Famous last words: 3882 (1) "Don't worry, I can handle it." 3883 (2) "You and what army?" 3884 (3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be 3885 a cop." 3886% 3887Famous last words: 3888 (1) Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix. 3889 (2) Let's take the shortcut; he can't see us from there. 3890 (3) What happens if you touch these two wires tog-- 3891 (4) We won't need reservations. 3892 (5) It's always sunny there this time of the year. 3893 (6) Don't worry, it's not loaded. 3894 (7) They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager. 3895 (8) Don't worry! Women love it! 3896% 3897Famous, adj.: 3898 Conspicuously miserable. 3899 -- Ambrose Bierce 3900% 3901Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the 3902Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. 3903Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an 3904utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life 3905forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches 3906are a pretty neat idea. 3907 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 3908% 3909Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it 3910every six months. 3911 -- Oscar Wilde 3912% 3913Fats Loves Madelyn. 3914% 3915Feel disillusioned? I've got some great new illusions ... 3916% 3917Fertility is hereditary. If your parents didn't have any children, 3918neither will you. 3919% 3920 Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each 3921other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around 3922the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors 3923d'oeuvres. 3924 Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes 3925to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your 3926Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright 3927piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres. 3928 Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with 3929inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down 3930other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and 3931placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when 3932the little hammers strike. 3933 Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over 3934their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning 3935Christmas tree. The piano is missing. 3936 3937 You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless 3938you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level 39394. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog. 3940% 3941Fifth Law of Applied Terror: 3942 If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. 3943 3944Corollary: 3945 If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live. 3946% 3947Fifth Law of Procrastination: 3948 Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that 3949there is nothing important to do. 3950% 3951Fifty flippant frogs 3952Walked by on flippered feet 3953And with their slime they made the time 3954Unnaturally fleet. 3955% 3956 FIGHTING WORDS 3957 3958Say my love is easy had, 3959 Say I'm bitten raw with pride, 3960Say I am too often sad -- 3961 Still behold me at your side. 3962 3963Say I'm neither brave nor young, 3964 Say I woo and coddle care, 3965Say the devil touched my tongue -- 3966 Still you have my heart to wear. 3967 3968But say my verses do not scan, 3969 And I get me another man! 3970 -- Dorothy Parker 3971% 3972Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North 3973Carolina. 3974% 3975Finagle's Creed: 3976 Science is true. Don't be misled by facts. 3977% 3978Finagle's First Law: 3979 If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. 3980% 3981Finagle's Fourth Law: 3982 Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes 3983it worse. 3984% 3985Finagle's Second Law: 3986 No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be 3987someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it 3988happened according to his own pet theory. 3989% 3990Finagle's Third Law: 3991 In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, 3992 beyond all need of checking, is the mistake. 3993 3994Corollaries: 3995 (1) Nobody whom you ask for help will see it. 3996 (2) The first person who stops by, whose advice you really 3997 don't want to hear, will see it immediately. 3998% 3999Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture 4000on a rock. 4001 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 4002% 4003Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can. 4004% 4005Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy. 4006% 4007Fine's Corollary: 4008 Functionality breeds Contempt. 4009% 4010Finish the sentence below in 25 words or less: 4011 4012 "Love is what you feel just before you give someone a good ..." 4013 4014Mail your answer along with the top half of your supervisor to: 4015 4016 P.O. Box 35 4017 Baffled Greek, Michigan 4018% 4019First Corollary of Taber's Second Law: 4020 Machines that piss people off get murdered. 4021 -- Pat Taber 4022% 4023First Law of Bicycling: 4024 No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the 4025wind. 4026% 4027First Law of Procrastination: 4028 Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility 4029for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who imposed 4030the deadline). 4031% 4032First Law of Socio-Genetics: 4033 Celibacy is not hereditary. 4034% 4035First Rule of History: 4036 History doesn't repeat itself -- 4037 historians merely repeat each other. 4038% 4039"First things first -- but not necessarily in that order" 4040 -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who" 4041% 4042First, a few words about tools. 4043 4044Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of 4045the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously 4046injure yourself. Today, people tend to take tools for granted. If 4047you're ever walking down the street and you notice some people who look 4048particularly smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for 4049granted. If I were you, I'd walk right up and smack them in the face. 4050 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 4051% 4052Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity. 4053 -- Robert Firth 4054% 4055Flappity, floppity, flip 4056The mouse on the m"obius strip; 4057 The strip revolved, 4058 The mouse dissolved 4059In a chronodimensional skip. 4060% 4061FLASH! Intelligence of mankind decreasing. Details at ... uh, when 4062the little hand is on the .... 4063% 4064Flon's Law: 4065 There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is 4066 the least bit difficult to write bad programs. 4067% 4068Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her 4069husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer! My joules! Someone has stolen my 4070joules!" 4071 4072"Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux 4073a moment. Perhaps they're mislead." 4074 4075"No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence. "I remember putting them 4076in my burette ... We must call a copper." 4077 4078Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms, 4079said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name 4080of Lawrence Ium. 4081 4082"We must be careful -- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and 4083dangerous. His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium. Maybe I can 4084catch him there." With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an 4085activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ... 4086 -- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations" 4087% 4088flowchart, n. & v.: 4089 [From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart 4090 "a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."] 4091 1. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni construction 4092 problems in which given algorithms require geometrical representation 4093 using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI template. 2. n. Neronic 4094 doodling while the system burns. 3. n. A low-cost substitute for 4095 wallpaper. 4. n. The innumerate misleading the illiterate. "A 4096 thousand pictures is worth ten lines of code." -- The Programmer's 4097 Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps. 5. v.intrans. To produce 4098 flowcharts with no particular object in mind. 6. v.trans. To obfuscate 4099 (a problem) with esoteric cartoons. 4100 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 4101% 4102Flugg's Law: 4103 When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the 4104 world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum. 4105% 4106Flying saucers on occasion 4107 Show themselves to human eyes. 4108Aliens fume, put off invasion 4109 While they brand these tales as lies. 4110% 4111Fog Lamps, n.: 4112 Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the 4113 fronts of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate 4114 that the driver's brain is in a fog. 4115 4116See also "Idiot Lights". 4117% 4118Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing. 4119 -- Walt Kelly, "Putluck Pogo" 4120% 4121For 20 dollars, I'll give you a good fortune next time ... 4122% 4123For a good time, call (415) 642-9483 4124% 4125For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a 4126cat. 4127% 4128"For an adequate time call 555-3321" 4129% 4130For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, since it must afterwards be 4131always old-fashioned. 4132% 4133For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, 4134and wrong. 4135 -- H. L. Mencken 4136% 4137For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill. 4138 -- R. Clopton 4139% 4140 "For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence 4141of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind." 4142 4143 "Whose?" 4144 4145 "MINE! HA-HA!" 4146% 4147For large values of one, one equals two, for small values of two. 4148% 4149For my son, Robert, this is proving to be the high-point of his entire 4150life to date. He has had his pajamas on for two, maybe three days 4151now. He has the sense of joyful independence a 5-year-old child gets 4152when he suddenly realizes that he could be operating an acetylene torch 4153in the coat closet and neither parent [because of the flu] would have 4154the strength to object. He has been foraging for his own food, which 4155means his diet consists entirely of "food" substances which are 4156advertised only on Saturday-morning cartoon shows; substances that are 4157the color of jukebox lights and that, for legal reasons, have their 4158names spelled wrong, as in New Creemy Chok-'n'-Cheez Lumps o' Froot 4159("part of this complete breakfast"). 4160 -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide" 4161% 4162For perfect happiness, remember two things: 4163 (1) Be content with what you've got. 4164 (2) Be sure you've got plenty. 4165% 4166For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say 4167"Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something. 4168 -- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to 4169 the U.S. 4170% 4171For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz. 4172% 4173For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the massive jobs of 4174a thousand years ago. Why not, then, the last step of doing away with 4175computers altogether? 4176 -- Jehan Shuman 4177% 4178For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like. 4179 -- Abraham Lincoln 4180% 4181For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but 4182phone calls taper off. 4183 -- Johnny Carson 4184% 4185For years a secret shame destroyed my peace -- 4186I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece. 4187But now I think a thought that brings me hope: 4188Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope. 4189 -- Justin Richardson. 4190% 4191For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH! 4192% 4193Forgetfulness, n.: 4194 A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their 4195destitution of conscience. 4196% 4197Forms follow function, and often obliterate it. 4198% 4199FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS! #6 4200 4201RAZORBACK: Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min. 4202 One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's, and 4203 arguably the best movie ever made about a large, man-eating 4204 hog. Some violence. With Gregory Harrison. 4205% 4206fortune's Contribution of the Month to the Animal Rights Debate: 4207 4208 I'll stay out of animals' way if they'll stay out of mine. 4209 "Hey you, get off my plate" 4210 -- Roger Midnight 4211% 4212Fortune's Fictitious Country Song Title of the Week: 4213 "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?" 4214% 4215Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month): 4216 4217 Don't Write On Walls! 4218 4219 (and underneath) 4220 4221 You want I should type? 4222% 4223Fortune's Law of the Week (this week, from Kentucky): 4224 No female shall appear in a bathing suit at any airport in this 4225State unless she is escorted by two officers or unless she is armed 4226with a club. The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females 4227weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it 4228apply to female horses. 4229% 4230Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful 4231Morals goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan. During an 4232impassioned House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and 4233clam research," a sharp-eared informant transcribed the following 4234exchange between our hero and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan. 4235 4236DINGELL: There are places in the world at the present time where we are 4237 having to artificially propagate oysters and clams. 4238HOFFMAN: You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters? 4239DINGELL: They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter 4240 is that female oysters through their living habits cast out 4241 large amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large 4242 amounts of fertilization ... 4243HOFFMAN: Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many 4244 teenagers who read The Congressional Record. 4245% 4246Fortune's Office Door Sign of the Week: 4247 4248 Incorrigible punster -- Do not incorrige. 4249% 4250FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS #14 4251 4252Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to your good 4253liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert and 4254light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything 4255drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck. 4256% 4257Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #18: 4258 4259Q: Are you married? 4260A: No, I'm divorced. 4261Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him? 4262A: A lot of things I didn't know about. 4263% 4264Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #19: 4265 4266Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? 4267A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people. 4268% 4269Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #29: 4270 4271THE JUDGE: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present 4272 information and prejudice from your minds, if you have 4273 any ... 4274% 4275Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #32: 4276 4277Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now? 4278A: I will be three months November 8th. 4279Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th? 4280A: Yes. 4281Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time? 4282% 4283Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #37: 4284 4285Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears? 4286A: No. 4287Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears? 4288A: Picking them up in the air. 4289Q: Where was the dog at this time? 4290A: Attached to the ears. 4291% 4292Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #3: 4293 4294Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were 4295 able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to 4296 go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with 4297 him to the station? 4298MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot. 4299% 4300Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #41: 4301 4302Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? 4303A: By death. 4304Q: And by whose death was it terminated? 4305% 4306Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52: 4307 4308Q: What is your name? 4309A: Ernestine McDowell. 4310Q: And what is your marital status? 4311A: Fair. 4312% 4313Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #7: 4314 4315Q: What happened then? 4316A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify 4317 me." 4318Q: Did he kill you? 4319A: No. 4320% 4321fortune: cpu time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped. 4322% 4323Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samurai 4324sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles. 4325 4326Oh, and have a nice day! 4327 -- Bryce Nesbitt '84 4328% 4329Fourth Law of Applied Terror: 4330 The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology 4331 instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. 4332 4333Corollary: 4334 Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do 4335 except study for that instructor's course. 4336% 4337Fourth Law of Revision: 4338 It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about 4339 interferences -- if you have none, someone will make 4340 one for you. 4341% 4342Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: If the probability of success is not 4343almost one, it is damn near zero. 4344 -- David Ellis 4345% 4346Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a 4347policeman's tie. 4348% 4349Fresco's Discovery: 4350 If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored. 4351% 4352Friends, Romans, Hipsters, 4353Let me clue you in; 4354I come to put down Caesar, not to groove him. 4355The square kicks some cats are on stay with them; 4356The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caesar. The cool Brutus 4357Gave you the message: Caesar had big eyes; 4358If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea, 4359And, like, old Caesar really set them straight. 4360Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat; 4361So are they all, all cool cats, -- 4362Come I to make this gig at Caesar's laying down. 4363% 4364Frisbeetarianism, n.: 4365 The belief that when you die, your soul goes up the on roof and 4366 gets stuck. 4367% 4368Frobnicate, v.: 4369 To manipulate or adjust, to tweak. Derived from FROBNITZ. 4370Usually abbreviated to FROB. Thus one has the saying "to frob a 4371frob". See TWEAK and TWIDDLE. Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK 4372sometimes connote points along a continuum. FROB connotes aimless 4373manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse 4374search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning. If someone is 4375turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it 4376he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the 4377screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because 4378turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it. 4379% 4380Frobnitz, pl. Frobnitzem (frob'nitsm) n.: 4381 An unspecified physical object, a widget. Also refers to 4382electronic black boxes. This rare form is usually abbreviated to 4383FROTZ, or more commonly to FROB. Also used are FROBNULE, FROBULE, and 4384FROBNODULE. Starting perhaps in 1979, FROBBOZ (fruh-bahz'), pl. 4385FROBBOTZIM, has also become very popular, largely due to its exposure 4386via the Adventure spin-off called Zork (Dungeon). These can also be 4387applied to non-physical objects, such as data structures. 4388% 4389[From an announcement of a congress of the International Ontopsychology 4390Association, in Rome]: 4391 4392The Ontopsychological school, availing itself of new research criteria 4393and of a new telematic epistemology, maintains that social modes do not 4394spring from dialectics of territory or of class, or of consumer goods, 4395or of means of power, but rather from dynamic latencies capillarized in 4396millions of individuals in system functions which, once they have 4397reached the event maturation, burst forth in catastrophic phenomenology 4398engaging a suitable stereotype protagonist or duty marionette (general, 4399president, political party, etc.) to consummate the act of social 4400schizophrenia in mass genocide. 4401% 4402From the "Guiness Book of World Records", 1973: 4403 4404Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and 4405the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the 4406Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his 4407candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground 4408nuts) Order, the expression nuts shall have reference to such nuts, 4409other than ground nuts, as would but for this amending Order not 4410qualify as nuts (unground)(other than ground nuts) by reason of their 4411being nuts (unground)." 4412% 4413From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was 4414convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. 4415 -- Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults" 4416% 4417[From the operation manual for the CI-300 Dot Matrix Line Printer, made 4418in Japan]: 4419 4420The excellent output machine of MODEL CI-300 as extraordinary DOT 4421MATRIX LINE PRINTER, built in two MICRO-PROCESSORs as well as EAROM, is 4422featured by permitting wonderful co-existence such as; "high quality 4423against low cost", "diversified functions with compact design", 4424"flexibility in accessibleness and durability of approx. 2000,000,00 4425Dot/Head", "being sophisticated in mechanism but possibly agile 4426operating under noises being extremely suppressed" etc. 4427 4428And as a matter of course, the final goal is just simply to help 4429achieve "super shuttle diplomacy" between cool data, perhaps earned by 4430HOST COMPUTER, and warm heart of human being. 4431% 4432From the Pro 350 Pocket Service Guide, p. 49, Step 5 of the 4433instructions on removing an I/O board from the card cage, comes a new 4434experience in sound: 4435 4436 5. Turn the handle to the right 90 degrees. The pin-spreading 4437 sound is normal for this type of connector. 4438% 4439From too much love of living, 4440From hope and fear set free, 4441We thank with brief thanksgiving, 4442Whatever gods may be, 4443That no life lives forever, 4444That dead men rise up never, 4445That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea. 4446 -- Swinburne 4447% 4448Fuch's Warning: 4449 If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well 4450enough to travel. 4451% 4452Fudd's First Law of Opposition: 4453 Push something hard enough and it will fall over. 4454% 4455Furbling, v.: 4456 Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank 4457 even when you are the only person in line. 4458 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 4459% 4460Furious activity is no substitute for understanding. 4461 -- H. H. Williams 4462% 4463Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening. 4464% 4465G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: "Go on writing plays, my boy. One 4466of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his 4467secretary, `Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says 4468`No,' he will say, `Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.' And 4469that's your chance, my boy." 4470% 4471Garbage In -- Gospel Out. 4472% 4473Garter, n.: 4474 An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her 4475stockings and desolating the country. 4476 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 4477% 4478Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall 4479on our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!! 4480 -- Adventures of Asterix 4481% 4482Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep". 4483 4484 Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound 4485than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference: 4486 "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling." 4487Obvious, isn't it? 4488 Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start 4489speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as 4490long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all 4491your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and 4492so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed 4493individuals and then grow ... 4494 Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those 4495signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when 4496everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on 4497the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs 4498backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? I 4499think not, my friend, I think not. 4500 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 4501% 4502 "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at More Science High has an 4503extracurricular activity except you." 4504 "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?" 4505 "Only to ten, Mudhead." 4506 4507 -- Firesign Theater 4508% 4509"Gee, Toto, I don't think we are in Kansas anymore." 4510% 4511GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) 4512 You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because 4513 you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much 4514 for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for 4515 committing incest. 4516% 4517GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20) 4518 Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while you 4519 can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy praise 4520 and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker. A short 4521 trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room. 4522% 4523Genderplex, n.: 4524 The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to 4525 determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and 4526 tortoises). 4527 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 4528% 4529Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why 4530you should. 4531% 4532Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus 4533handicapped. 4534 -- Elbert Hubbard 4535% 4536Genius, n.: 4537 A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with "bright". 4538% 4539George Orwell 1984. Northwestern 0. 4540 -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82 4541% 4542George Orwell was an optimist. 4543% 4544George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to 4545have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend. 4546 -- Ashley Cooper 4547% 4548Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics: 4549 (1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong 4550 direction. 4551 (2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place. 4552 (3) The energy required to change either one of these states 4553 will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so 4554 much as to make the task totally impossible. 4555% 4556Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty. 4557% 4558 Get GUMMed 4559 --- ------ 4560The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April 45611, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above 4562the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep 4563each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered 4564chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek 4565nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od. Three 4566days will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo. Two 4567seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user- 4568friendly features of Unix. Seminars include "Everything You Know is 4569Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis 4570"cc C? Si! Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You 4571Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats. No Reader Service No. is necessary because 4572all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we 4573could tell them. 4574 -- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June '84 4575% 4576Get Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your children! 4577% 4578 -- Gifts for Children -- 4579 4580This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children, 4581because they will tell you exactly what they want. They spend months 4582and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday- 4583morning cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children 4584exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If 4585your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You 4586Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it. You may be worried that it 4587might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe 4588me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child 4589who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift. 4590 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 4591% 4592 -- Gifts for Men -- 4593 4594Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional 4595ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you 4596should never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the 4597clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For 4598example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only 4599three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error, 4600that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh 4601at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?"). 4602So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several 4603years without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will 4604pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you. 4605 4606If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More 4607than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set 4608of tires. 4609 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 4610% 4611 Gimmie That Old Time Religion 4612We will follow Zarathustra, We will worship like the Druids, 4613Zarathustra like we use to, Dancing naked in the woods, 4614I'm a Zarathustra booster, Drinking strange fermented fluids, 4615And he's good enough for me! And it's good enough for me! 4616 (chorus) (chorus) 4617 4618In the church of Aphrodite, 4619The priestess wears a see-through nightie, 4620She's a mighty righteous sightie, 4621And she's good enough for me! 4622 (chorus) 4623 4624CHORUS: Give me that old time religion, 4625 Give me that old time religion, 4626 Give me that old time religion, 4627 'Cause it's good enough for me! 4628% 4629Ginsberg's Theorem: 4630 (1) You can't win. 4631 (2) You can't break even. 4632 (3) You can't even quit the game. 4633 4634Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem: 4635 Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem 4636 meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's 4637 Theorem. To wit: 4638 4639 (1) Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win. 4640 (2) Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even. 4641 (3) Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game. 4642% 4643Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh dome, and a place 4644to stand, and I will drain the world. 4645% 4646"Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war." 4647 -- Napolean 4648% 4649Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities! 4650% 4651Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving to 4652a new town. 4653% 4654Give your child mental blocks for Christmas. 4655% 4656Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying 4657around, I'd rather lie around. No contest. 4658 -- Eric Clapton 4659% 4660Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden: 4661Languages whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful. The LISP 4662machine now permits LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf. 4663 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 4664% 4665Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability: 4666 Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the 4667 probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some 4668 useful work done. 4669% 4670Gnagloot, n.: 4671 A person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to 4672 impress people. 4673 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 4674% 4675Go 'way! You're bothering me! 4676% 4677Go climb a gravity well! 4678% 4679Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may 4680be in owning a piece thereof. 4681 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 4682% 4683//GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH 4684% 4685God did not create the world in seven days; he screwed around for six 4686days and then pulled an all-nighter. 4687% 4688God doesn't play dice. 4689 -- Albert Einstein 4690% 4691God gives burdens; also shoulders 4692 4693Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech at the 4694end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish saying; I 4695can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth though; why 4696would he lie about a thing like that? 4697 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 4698% 4699God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little ... 4700The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty ... I do 4701not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman 4702... not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on 4703smoking and drinking beer. But the man who cannot live on bread and 4704water is not fit to live! A family may live on good bread and water in 4705the morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at 4706night! 4707 -- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher 4708% 4709God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh. 4710% 4711God is a polytheist. 4712% 4713God is Dead 4714 -- Nietzsche 4715Nietzsche is Dead 4716 -- God 4717Nietzsche is God 4718 -- The Dead 4719% 4720God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's! 4721% 4722God is real, unless declared integer. 4723% 4724God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the 4725elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying 4726other things. 4727 -- Pablo Picasso 4728% 4729God is the tangential point between zero and infinity. 4730 -- Alfred Jarry 4731% 4732God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place. 4733% 4734God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man. 4735% 4736God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board 4737 -- Mark Twain 4738% 4739God made the integers; all else is the work of Man. 4740 -- Kronecker 4741% 4742God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh. 4743% 4744God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean. 4745 -- Albert Einstein 4746% 4747God must love the Common Man; He made so many of them. 4748% 4749God rest ye CS students now, 4750Let nothing you dismay. 4751The VAX is down and won't be up, 4752Until the first of May. 4753The program that was due this morn, 4754Won't be postponed, they say. 4755 4756 Oh, tidings of comfort and joy, 4757 Comfort and joy, 4758 Oh, tidings of comfort and joy. 4759 4760The bearings on the drum are gone, 4761The disk is wobbling, too. 4762We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol 4763Can't tell false from true. 4764And now we find that we can't get 4765At Berkeley's 4.2. 4766 4767 (chorus) 4768% 4769Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to 4770school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a 4771person a car. 4772% 4773Gold, n.: 4774 A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It 4775 is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich 4776 men who immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, 4777 although gold hasn't done anything to them. 4778 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 4779% 4780Goldenstern's Rules: 4781 (1) Always hire a rich attorney. 4782 (2) Never buy from a rich salesman. 4783% 4784Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad 4785example. 4786 -- La Rouchefoucauld 4787% 4788Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall. 4789% 4790Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase. 4791% 4792Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school. 4793% 4794Good day to let down old friends who need help. 4795% 4796Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed. 4797% 4798Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance. 4799% 4800Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day. 4801% 4802Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's 4803new lover. 4804% 4805Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored. 4806 -- George Saunders' dying words 4807% 4808Gordon's first law: 4809 If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing 4810well. 4811% 4812"Gosh that takes me back ... or forward. That's the trouble with time 4813travel, you never can tell." 4814 -- Dr. Who 4815% 4816Gosh that takes me back... or is it forward? That's the trouble with 4817time travel, you never can tell." 4818 -- Doctor Who "Androids of Tara" 4819% 4820Got Mole problems? 4821Call Avogadro 6.02 x 10^23 4822% 4823Goto, n.: 4824 A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers 4825to complain about unstructured programmers. 4826 -- Ray Simard 4827% 4828Government [is] an illusion the governed should not encourage. 4829 -- John Updike, "Couples" 4830% 4831Government lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are 4832different lies. 4833% 4834Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know 4835any more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he 4836doesn't know much. 4837 -- Will Rogers 4838% 4839Grabel's Law: 4840 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2. 4841% 4842Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture. 4843% 4844Graduate life: It's not just a job. It's an indenture. 4845% 4846Grandpa Charnock's Law: 4847 You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 4848% 4849Gravity is a myth: the Earth sucks. 4850% 4851Gray's Law of Programming: 4852 `_n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same 4853 time as `_n' tasks. 4854 4855Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law: 4856 `_n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as `_n' trivial tasks. 4857% 4858Great minds run in great circles. 4859% 4860 GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY #21 -- July 30, 1917 4861 4862On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then- 4863Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought them 4864off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought I 4865wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from his 4866mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a 4867tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men 4868stood lookout. 4869% 4870Green light in A.M. for new projects. 4871Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets. 4872% 4873Greener's Law: 4874 Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel. 4875% 4876Grelb's Reminder: 4877 Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above 4878 average drivers. 4879% 4880Grub first, then ethics. 4881 -- Bertolt Brecht 4882% 4883Gurmlish, n.: 4884 The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which 4885 prevents the person from biting into it and puncturing the 4886 roof of his mouth. 4887 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 4888% 4889Gyroscope, n.: 4890 A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also 4891free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each 4892other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two 4893mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the 4894other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus 4895offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any 4896torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin. 4897 -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary 4898% 4899H. L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H. L. 4900Mencken -- there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude. 4901 -- Maxwell Bodenheim 4902% 4903H. L. Mencken's Law: 4904 Those who can -- do. 4905 Those who can't -- teach. 4906 4907Martin's Extension: 4908 Those who cannot teach -- administrate. 4909% 4910H: If a 'GOBLIN (HOB) waylays you, 4911 Slice him up before he slays you. 4912 Nothing makes you look a slob 4913 Like running from a HOB'LIN (GOB). 4914 -- The Roguelet's ABC 4915% 4916Hacker's Law: 4917 The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a 4918 nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions. 4919% 4920Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge. 4921% 4922Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror, 4923and you would not have been informed. 4924% 4925Hail to the sun god 4926He sure is a fun god 4927Ra! Ra! Ra! 4928% 4929Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big 4930enough majority in any town? 4931 -- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn" 4932% 4933Half Moon tonight. (At least it's better than no Moon at all.) 4934% 4935Half-done: 4936 This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still crunchy, 4937 light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference between this 4938 and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like the 4939 difference between life and death. 4940 4941 You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill there 4942 in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the airport, 4943 fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough Hall, 4944 transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on 4945 Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk 4946 about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the 4947 man, "Let me have a nice half-done." Worth the trouble, wasn't it? 4948 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 4949% 4950Hall's Laws of Politics: 4951 (1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending. 4952 (2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want something 4953 fixed. 4954 (3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend 4955 military spending, and conservatives social spending in 4956 their own districts). 4957% 4958Hand, n.: 4959 A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and 4960commonly thrust into somebody's pocket. 4961 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 4962% 4963Hanlon's Razor: 4964 Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by 4965 stupidity. 4966% 4967Hanson's Treatment of Time: 4968 There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days 4969 before Saturday. 4970% 4971Happiness is having a scratch for every itch. 4972 -- Ogden Nash 4973% 4974Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember. 4975 -- Oscar Levant 4976% 4977Happiness, n.: 4978 An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of 4979 another. 4980 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 4981% 4982Hard work may not kill you, but why take chances? 4983% 4984Hardware, n.: 4985 The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. 4986% 4987Hark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender. You stand 4988convicted of sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want. 4989 -- Tobias Smollet 4990% 4991Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark 4992The Duke is fond of kittens 4993He likes to take their insides out 4994And use them for his mittens 4995 From "The Thirteen Clocks" 4996% 4997Hark, the Herald Tribune sings, 4998Advertising wondrous things. 4999 -- Tom Lehrer 5000% 5001Harris's Lament: 5002 All the good ones are taken. 5003% 5004Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab: 5005 Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment 5006 ruined. 5007% 5008Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he 5009makes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean 5010famous for its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses 5011probably stirs romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you 5012have never met any wild horses in person. In person, they are like 5013enormous hooved rats. They amble up to your camp site, and their 5014attitude is: "We're wild horses. We're going to eat your food, knock 5015down your tent and poop on your shoes. We're protected by federal law, 5016just like Richard Nixon." 5017 -- Dave Barry, "Tenting Grandpa Bob" 5018% 5019Hartley's First Law: 5020 You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float 5021 on his back, you've got something. 5022% 5023Hartley's Second Law: 5024 Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. 5025% 5026Harvard Law: 5027 Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, 5028 temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism 5029 will do as it damn well pleases. 5030% 5031"Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?" 5032"Yes, I don't have one." 5033"Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors ..." 5034 -- E. D'Azevedo, Computer Science 372 5035% 5036Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are 5037typed with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter 5038keyboard was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use 5039of both hands. It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is 5040not only unnatural, but a lot harder than it appears. 5041% 5042 Has your family tried 'em? 5043 5044 POWDERMILK BISCUITS 5045 5046 Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious! 5047 5048 They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons the 5049 strength to get up and do what needs to be done. 5050 5051 POWDERMILK BISCUITS 5052 5053 Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of the 5054 biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark stains 5055 that indicate freshness. 5056% 5057Hatred, n.: 5058 A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's 5059 superiority. 5060 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 5061% 5062Have an adequate day. 5063% 5064Have people realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is 5065to defuse project tensions? When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a 5066non-cynical, or even an informative cookie? 5067 5068Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions. This 5069still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or 5070only serves to blunt the warning signs. 5071 5072 Long live the revolution! 5073 Have a nice day. 5074% 5075Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell 5076you, "There's a time for work and a time for play," never find the time 5077for play? 5078% 5079Have you ever wondered what makes Californians so calm? Besides drugs, 5080I mean. The answer is hot tubs. A hot tub is a redwood container 5081filled with water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite 5082sex, none of whom is necessarily your spouse. After a few hours in 5083their hot tubs, Californians don't give a damn about earthquakes or 5084mass murderers. They don't give a damn about anything , which is why 5085they are able to produce "Laverne and Shirley" week after week. 5086 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 5087% 5088"Have you lived here all your life?" 5089"Oh, twice that long." 5090% 5091Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a 5092crack in your sidewalk? 5093% 5094Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline 5095sharply the minute they start waving guns around? 5096 -- Dr. Who 5097% 5098Have you reconsidered a computer career? 5099% 5100He did decide, though, that with more time and a great deal of mental 5101effort, he could probably turn the activity into an acceptable 5102perversion. 5103 -- Mick Farren, "When Gravity Fails" 5104% 5105He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions 5106 -- Stephen Leacock 5107% 5108He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation 5109perfectly delightful. 5110 -- Sydney Smith 5111% 5112He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild and 5113heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned all hope 5114of ever behaving "normally." 5115 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72" 5116% 5117He hadn't a single redeeming vice. 5118 -- Oscar Wilde 5119% 5120"He is now rising from affluence to poverty." 5121 -- Mark Twain 5122% 5123He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered. 5124% 5125He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace. 5126 -- John Mason Brown, drama critic 5127% 5128He thought he saw an albatross 5129That fluttered 'round the lamp. 5130He looked again and saw it was 5131A penny postage stamp. 5132"You'd best be getting home," he said, 5133"The nights are rather damp." 5134% 5135He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue. 5136 -- Jonathan Swift 5137% 5138"He was a modest, good-humored boy. It was Oxford that made him 5139insufferable." 5140% 5141He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes. 5142% 5143He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry 5144attacks democracy itself. 5145 -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS 5146% 5147He who Laughs, Lasts. 5148% 5149"He's just a politician trying to save both his faces ..." 5150% 5151He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd be 5152there ... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter. 5153% 5154He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is ... 5155% 5156HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science. 5157SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their ___OWN brains. 5158 -- Walt Kelley 5159% 5160Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 5161% 5162Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying 5163of nothing. 5164 -- Redd Foxx 5165% 5166Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying 5167of nothing. 5168 -- Redd Foxx 5169% 5170Heaven, n.: 5171 A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of 5172 their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while 5173 you expound your own. 5174 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 5175% 5176Heavy, adj.: 5177 Seduced by the chocolate side of the force. 5178% 5179"Heisenberg may have slept here" 5180% 5181Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned. 5182 -- Milton Friedman 5183% 5184Heller's Law: 5185 The first myth of management is that it exists. 5186 5187Johnson's Corollary: 5188 Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the 5189 organization. 5190% 5191"Hello," he lied. 5192 -- Don Carpenter quoting a Hollywood agent 5193% 5194Help a swallow land at Capistrano. 5195% 5196Help fight continental drift. 5197% 5198Help me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file! 5199% 5200Help stamp out and abolish redundancy. 5201% 5202Help! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70! 5203% 5204HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN! 5205 -- E. E. CUMMINGS 5206% 5207Her locks an ancient lady gave 5208Her loving husband's life to save; 5209And men -- they honored so the dame -- 5210Upon some stars bestowed her name. 5211 5212But to our modern married fair, 5213Who'd give their lords to save their hair, 5214No stellar recognition's given. 5215There are not stars enough in heaven. 5216% 5217"Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from 5218Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth ..." 5219% 5220Here I sit, broken-hearted, 5221All logged in, but work unstarted. 5222First net.this and net.that, 5223And a hot buttered bun for net.fat. 5224 5225The boss comes by, and I play the game, 5226Then I turn back to net.flame. 5227Is there a cure (I need your views), 5228For someone trapped in net.news? 5229 5230I need your help, I say 'tween sobs, 5231'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs. 5232% 5233Here in my heart, I am Helen; 5234 I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least. 5235I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Sta"el; 5236 I'm Salome, moon of the East. 5237 5238Here in my soul I am Sappho; 5239 Lady Hamilton am I, as well. 5240In me R'ecamier vies with Kitty O'Shea, 5241 With Dido, and Eve, and poor nell. 5242 5243I'm all of the glamorous ladies 5244 At whose beckoning history shook. 5245But you are a man, and see only my pan, 5246 So I stay at home with a book. 5247 -- Dorothy Parker 5248% 5249Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical 5250lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach 5251your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. 5252Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in 5253pain? This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, 5254but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an 5255important electrical lesson. 5256 5257It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed 5258your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small 5259objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will 5260attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and 5261collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your 5262friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the 5263carpet, thus completing the circuit. 5264 5265Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without 5266touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your 5267finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you 5268have carpeting. 5269 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 5270% 5271 Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the 5272month. According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people 5273are experiencing severe marketing anxiety in China. 5274 The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either 5275(depending on the inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax 5276tadpole". 5277 Bite the wax tadpole. 5278 There is a sort of rough justice, is there not? 5279 The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's 5280hard to get a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to 5281bite a wax tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, 5282but broad satiric vistas do not open up. 5283 -- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle 5284% 5285"Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 5286`Psychic Wins Lottery'?" 5287 -- Jay Leno 5288% 5289Heuristics are bug ridden by definition. If they didn't have bugs, 5290then they'd be algorithms. 5291% 5292"Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!" 5293 -- W. C. Fields 5294% 5295Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person 5296reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes, 5297nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home. 5298% 5299"Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. 5300As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of 5301equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. 5302Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever walk around? If so, you 5303probably have the makings of an excellent legal case. Although of 5304course every case is different, I would definitely say that based on my 5305experience and training, there's no reason why you shouldn't come out 5306of this thing with at least a cabin cruiser. 5307 5308"Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our 5309motto is: 'It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.'" 5310 -- Dave Barry, "Pain and Suffering" 5311% 5312Hier liegt ein Mann ganz obnegleich; 5313Im Leibe dick, an Suden reich. 5314Wir haben ihn in das Grab gesteckt, Here lies a man with sundry flaws 5315Weil es uns dunkt er sei verreckt. And numerous Sins upon his head; 5316 We buried him today because 5317 As far as we can tell, he's dead. 5318 -- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty 5319 Sue Bach and written by the local doggerel catcher; 5320 "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele 5321% 5322Higgeldy Piggeldy, 5323Hamlet of Elsinore 5324Ruffled the critics by 5325Dropping this bomb: 5326"Phooey on Freud and his 5327Psychoanalysis -- 5328Oedipus, Shmoedipus, 5329I just loved Mom." 5330% 5331Hindsight is an exact science. 5332% 5333Hippogriff, n.: 5334 An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. 5335 The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half 5336 eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter 5337 eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. 5338 The study of zoology is full of surprises. 5339 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 5340% 5341Hire the morally handicapped. 5342% 5343"His great aim was to escape from civilization, and, as soon as he had 5344money, he went to Southern California." 5345% 5346His mind is like a steel trap -- full of mice. 5347 -- Foghorn Leghorn 5348% 5349His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier. 5350% 5351History is curious stuff 5352 You'd think by now we had enough 5353Yet the fact remains I fear 5354 They make more of it every year. 5355% 5356History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history. 5357% 5358History, n.: 5359 Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we 5360learn nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from 5361what happened this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long 5362view. 5363 -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab" 5364% 5365Hlade's Law: 5366 If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- 5367 they will find an easier way to do it. 5368% 5369Hoare's Law of Large Problems: 5370 Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out. 5371% 5372Hofstadter's Law: 5373 It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take 5374 Hofstadter's Law into account. 5375% 5376Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it. 5377 -- Rex Reed 5378% 5379 Home centers are designed for the do-it-yourselfer who's 5380willing to pay higher prices for the convenience of being able to shop 5381for lumber, hardware, and toasters all in one location. Notice I say 5382"shop for", as opposed to "obtain". This is the major drawback of home 5383centers: they are always out of everything except artificial Christmas 5384trees. The home center employees have no time to reorder merchandise 5385because they are too busy applying little price stickers to every 5386object -- every board, washer, nail and screw -- in the entire store ... 5387 Let's say a piece in your toilet tank breaks, so you remove the 5388broken part, take it to the home center, and ask an employee if he has 5389a replacement. The employee, who has never is his life even seen the 5390inside of a toilet tank, will peer at the broken part in very much the 5391same way that a member of a primitive Amazon jungle tribe would look at 5392an electronic calculator, and then say, "We're expecting a shipment of 5393these sometime around the middle of next week". 5394 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 5395% 5396Home of Doberman Propulsion Laboratories: 5397The ultimate in watchdog weaponry. 5398 -- Chris Shaw 5399% 5400Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense. 5401% 5402Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people. 5403 -- F. M. Hubbard 5404% 5405Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..." 5406% 5407Honk if you love peace and quiet. 5408% 5409Honorable, adj.: 5410 Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative 5411 bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; 5412 as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur." 5413 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 5414% 5415Horngren's Observation: 5416 Among economists, the real world is often a special case. 5417% 5418Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on 5419people. 5420 -- W. C. Fields 5421% 5422Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa. 5423% 5424"Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed." 5425 -- Neil Armstrong 5426% 5427How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all? 5428% 5429How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers? 5430% 5431How come wrong numbers are never busy? 5432% 5433How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows. 5434% 5435How do you explain school to a higher intelligence? 5436 -- Elliot, "E.T." 5437% 5438How doth the little crocodile 5439 Improve his shining tail, 5440And pour the waters of the Nile 5441 On every golden scale! 5442 5443How cheerfully he seems to grin, 5444 How neatly spreads his claws, 5445And welcomes little fishes in, 5446 With gently smiling jaws! 5447 -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland" 5448% 5449How doth the VAX's C compiler 5450Improve its object code. 5451And even as we speak does it 5452Increase the system load. 5453 5454How patiently it seems to run 5455And spit out error flags, 5456While users, with frustration, all 5457Tear their clothes to rags. 5458% 5459How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on. 5460% 5461How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? 5462None: "We'll fix it in software." 5463 5464How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? 5465None: "We'll document it in the manual." 5466 5467How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb? 5468None: "The user can work it out." 5469% 5470How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being 5471carried by a waiter at a nice party? 5472 5473Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors 5474d'oeuvre. If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell 5475what's inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then 5476say: "This is cheese! I hate cheese!" Then you put the rest of it 5477back on the tray and bite another one and go, "Darn it! Another 5478cheese!" and so on. 5479 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" 5480% 5481 How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are 54823.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand, 5483who could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a 5484nanocentury. 5485 -- Tom Duff, Bell Labs 5486% 5487How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to Dayton? 5488 -- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey 5489% 5490How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers. 5491% 5492HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: 5493 #1040 Your income tax refund cheque bounces. 5494% 5495HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: 5496 #15 Your pet rock snaps at you. 5497% 5498HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: 5499 5500 #32: You call your answering service and they've never heard of 5501 you. 5502% 5503Howe's Law: 5504 Everyone has a scheme that will not work. 5505% 5506However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my traditional 5507manner ... sulking and nausea. 5508 -- Tom K. Ryan 5509% 5510HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., 5511motion that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate 5512amendment making changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. 5513The Senate amendment was an amendment to the House amendment to the 5514Senate amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the 5515bill. The original Senate amendment was the conference agreement on 5516the bill. Agreed to. 5517 -- Albuquerque Journal 5518% 5519 Hug O' War 5520 5521I will not play at tug o' war. 5522I'd rather play at hug o' war, 5523Where everyone hugs 5524Instead of tugs, 5525Where everyone giggles 5526And rolls on the rug, 5527Where everyone kisses, 5528And everyone grins, 5529And everyone cuddles, 5530And everyone wins. 5531 -- Shel Silverstein 5532% 5533Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill. 5534% 5535Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in 55361929. Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an 5537operating table to prevent his interference, he placed a urethral 5538catheter into a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of 5539his heart], and walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took 5540the confirmatory x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the 5541Nobel Prize. 5542% 5543Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs. 5544% 5545Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse. 5546 -- William Gilbert 5547% 5548Hurewitz's Memory Principle: 5549 The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional 5550 to ..... to ........ uh .............. 5551% 5552I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a 5553professor or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any 5554other minority viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority. 5555 -- Richard M. Nixon 5556 5557What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism? 5558 -- Richard M. Nixon 5559% 5560"I am convinced that the manufacturers of carpet odor removing powder 5561have included encapsulated time released cat urine in their products. 5562This technology must be what prevented its distribution during my mom's 5563reign. My carpet smells like piss, and I don't have a cat. Better go 5564by some more." 5565 -- timw@zeb.USWest.COM 5566% 5567I am more bored than you could ever possibly be. Go back to work. 5568% 5569I am not an Economist. I am an honest man! 5570 -- Paul McCracken 5571% 5572I am not now, and never have been, a girlfriend of Henry Kissinger. 5573 -- Gloria Steinem 5574% 5575I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the demigodic party. 5576 -- Dennis Ritchie 5577% 5578I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it. 5579 -- English Professor 5580% 5581I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the 5582great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. 5583 -- Winston Churchill 5584% 5585I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone 5586has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. 5587 -- Professor Lowd, English, Ohio University 5588% 5589I am so optimistic about beef prices that I've just leased a pot roast 5590with an option to buy. 5591% 5592I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater. 5593% 5594I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, 5595of pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell 5596you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial 5597atomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something 5598inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering. 5599 -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado", Gilbert & Sullivan 5600% 5601I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of 5602the sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for 5603you are loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway. 5604 -- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy, 5605 University of Tennessee at Knoxville 5606% 5607I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an 5608argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and 5609steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, 5610they don't even invite me. 5611 -- Dave Barry 5612% 5613I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean. 5614 -- G. K. Chesterton 5615% 5616I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat. 5617 -- Will Rogers 5618% 5619I bet the human brain is a kludge. 5620 -- Marvin Minsky 5621% 5622I brake for chezlogs! 5623% 5624I call them as I see them. If I can't see them, I make them up. 5625 -- Biff Barf 5626% 5627I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan 5628prostitute dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very 5629bored with washing and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after 5630relentless day. 5631 -- Betty MacDonald 5632% 5633I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself. 5634% 5635I can remember when a good politician had to be 75 percent ability and 563625 percent actor, but I can well see the day when the reverse could be 5637true. 5638 -- Harry Truman 5639% 5640I can resist anything but temptation. 5641% 5642I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. 5643 -- Joe Walsh 5644% 5645I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling. 5646 -- Florence Henderson 5647% 5648I can't understand it. I can't even understand the people who can 5649understand it. 5650 -- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands. 5651% 5652I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a 5653novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. 5654 -- Fred Allen 5655% 5656"I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions." 5657 -- Lillian Hellman 5658% 5659I cannot conceive that anybody will require multiplications at the rate 5660of 40,000 or even 4,000 per hour ... 5661 -- F. H. Wales (1936) 5662% 5663I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar. 5664 5665What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good 5666grammar. For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause 5667of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the 5668United States would have lost World War II." 5669 -- Dave Barry, "An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar" 5670% 5671 "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frito Bugger in a 5672quavering voice. 5673 "No," said GoodGulf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of 5674course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which 5675I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in 5676Elven-lore: 5677 5678 "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves, 5679 Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves. 5680 Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop, 5681 This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop. 5682 The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring. 5683 The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing. 5684 If broken or busted, it cannot be remade. 5685 If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)." 5686 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 5687% 5688I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights 5689instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is 5690standing still ... 5691 -- Steven Wright 5692% 5693I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather 5694dance with the cows till you come home. 5695 -- Groucho Marx 5696% 5697I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps 5698the time I found out that M&Ms really *do* melt in your hand ... 5699 -- Peter Oakley 5700% 5701I didn't know it was impossible when I did it. 5702% 5703I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions. The 5704curtain was up. 5705% 5706 I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because 5707we use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently 5708leads to violence. What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say, 5709in traffic, is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had 5710time to think of witty and learned insults or look them up in the 5711library, we could call each other up: 5712 5713 You: Hello? Bob? 5714 Bob: Yes? 5715 You: This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space you 5716 took last Thursday? Outside of Sears? 5717 Bob: Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed? 5718 You: Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is: 5719 "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..." No, wait. 5720 I mean: "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill 5721 and ..." No, wait. (Sound of reference book thudding onto 5722 the floor.) S-word. Excuse me. Look, Bob, I'm going to 5723 have to get back to you. 5724 Bob: Fine. 5725 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" 5726% 5727I do hate sums. There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an 5728exact science. There are permutations and aberrations discernible to 5729minds entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary 5730accountants fail to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a 5731mind like mine to perceive. For instance, if you add a sum from the 5732bottom up, and then again from the top down, the result is always 5733different. 5734 -- Mrs. La Touche (19th cent.) 5735% 5736I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. 5737 -- Isaac Asimov 5738% 5739I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us 5740with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forego their use. 5741 -- Galileo Galilei 5742% 5743I do not know myself, and God forbid that I should. 5744 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 5745% 5746I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians 5747don't believe in astrology. 5748 -- James R. F. Quirk 5749% 5750I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all just 5751a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell more 5752numbers!! 5753% 5754I don't care for the Sugar Smacks commercial. I don't like the idea of 5755a frog jumping on my Breakfast. 5756 -- Lowell, Chicago Reader 10/15/82 5757% 5758I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the nominating 5759 -- Boss Tweed 5760% 5761I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem. 5762 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 5763% 5764I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got hundreds of 5765people waiting to abuse me. 5766 -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters" 5767% 5768I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to. 5769 -- Elvis Presley 5770% 5771 "I don't know what you mean by `glory,'" Alice said 5772 Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't -- 5773till I tell you. I meant `there's a nice knock-down argument for 5774you!'" 5775 "But glory doesn't mean `a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice 5776objected. 5777 "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful 5778tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor 5779less." 5780 "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean 5781so many different things." 5782 "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master-- 5783that's all." 5784 -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass" 5785% 5786I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd 5787eat it, and I just hate it. 5788 -- Clarence Darrow 5789% 5790I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path. 5791 -- Ronald Mabbitt 5792% 5793I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the 5794streets and frighten the horses. 5795 -- Victor Hugo 5796% 5797"I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!?" 5798% 5799"I don't think so," said Ren'e Descartes. Just then, he vanished. 5800% 5801I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the other 5802hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out. 5803% 5804I don't want to alarm anybody, but there is an excellent chance that 5805the Earth will be destroyed in the next several days. Congress is 5806thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists 5807broadcast signals to alien beings. This would be a large mistake. 5808Alien beings have nuclear blaster death cannons. You cannot cut off 5809their federal programs as if they were merely poor people ... 5810 -- Davy Barry, "THE ALIENS ARE COMING, THE ALIENS ARE 5811 COMING!" 5812% 5813I doubt, therefore I might be. 5814% 5815I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business 5816on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment 5817he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual 5818becoming, with a goal in front and not behind. 5819 -- George Bernard Shaw 5820% 5821I drink to make other people interesting. 5822 -- George Jean Nathan 5823% 5824I fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamt that I was reading on, 5825so I woke up from sheer boredom. 5826% 5827I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the 5828accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For 5829the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that 5830can't be measured in monetary terms. 5831 5832Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to have 5833that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came by 5834subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot should 5835someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly 5836understand his long delay. 5837% 5838I found out why my car was humming. It had forgotten the words. 5839% 5840I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very 5841reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment. 5842 -- Gotama Buddha 5843% 5844I gave up Smoking, Drinking and Sex. It was the most *__________horrifying* 20 5845minutes of my life! 5846% 5847I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it. 5848 -- Mae West 5849% 5850I get up each morning, gather my wits. 5851 Pick up the paper, read the obits. 5852If I'm not there I know I'm not dead. 5853 So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed. 5854% 5855I get up each morning, gather my wits. 5856Pick up the paper, read the obits. 5857If I'm not there I know I'm not dead. 5858So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed. 5859 5860Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent? 5861My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went. 5862But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin, 5863And think of the places my get-up has been. 5864 -- Pete Seeger 5865% 5866I had to censor everything my sons watched ... even on the Mary Tyler 5867Moore show I heard the word 'damn'! 5868 -- Mary Lou Bax 5869% 5870I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense. 5871% 5872I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means 5873it's going to be up all night. 5874 -- Steven Wright 5875% 5876I hate quotations. 5877 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 5878% 5879I have a simple philosophy: 5880 5881 Fill what's empty. 5882 Empty what's full. 5883 Scratch where it itches. 5884 -- A. R. Longworth 5885% 5886I have a very firm grasp on reality! I can reach out and strangle it 5887any time! 5888% 5889I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show, 5890which would be called `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'. 5891 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 5892% 5893I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. 5894I tell them the truth and they never believe me. 5895 -- Camillo Di Cavour 5896% 5897I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it. 5898 -- Edgar Allan Poe 5899% 5900I have just read your lousy review buried in the back pages. You 5901sound like a frustrated old man who never made a success, an 5902eight-ulcer man on a four-ulcer job, and all four ulcers working. I 5903have never met you, but if I do you'll need a new nose and plenty of 5904beefsteak and perhaps a supporter below. Westbrook Pegler, a 5905guttersnipe, is a gentleman compared to you. You can take that as more 5906of an insult than as a reflection on your ancestry. 5907 -- President Harry S Truman 5908% 5909I have learned 5910To spell hors d'oeuvres 5911Which still grates on 5912Some people's n'oeuvres. 5913 -- Warren Knox 5914% 5915I have made mistakes but I have never made the 5916mistake of claiming that I have never made one. 5917 -- James Gordon Bennett 5918% 5919I have made this letter longer than usual 5920because I lack the time to make it shorter. 5921 -- Blaise Pascal 5922% 5923I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole 5924____BODY! 5925 -- from "Cerebus" #82 5926% 5927I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer. 5928 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 5929% 5930I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best. 5931 -- Oscar Wilde 5932% 5933I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it 5934scattered around the beaches of the world ... Perhaps you've seen it. 5935 -- Steven Wright 5936% 5937I have to convince you, or at least snow you ... 5938 -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435 5939% 5940I have two very rare photographs: one is a picture of Houdini locking 5941his keys in his car; the other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell 5942beating up a child. 5943 -- Steven Wright 5944% 5945I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when looked 5946at in the right way, did not become still more complicated. 5947 -- Poul Anderson 5948% 5949I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere. 5950% 5951I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it. 5952% 5953I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!! 5954% 5955I just need enough to tide me over until I need more. 5956 -- Bill Hoest 5957% 5958I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once. 5959% 5960I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but 5961World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. 5962 -- Albert Einstein 5963% 5964I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! 5965The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building. 5966 -- Charles Schulz 5967% 5968I like being single. I'm always there when I need me. 5969 -- Art Leo 5970% 5971I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to 5972promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want 5973peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of 5974the way and let them have it. 5975 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower 5976% 5977"I like work ... I can sit and watch it for hours." 5978% 5979I like your game but we have to change the rules. 5980% 5981I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour! This is what 5982entertainment is all about ... Idiots, explosives and falling anvils. 5983 -- Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson 5984% 5985"I love to eat them Smurfies 5986 Smurfies what I love to eat 5987 Bite they ugly heads off, 5988 Nibble on they bluish feet." 5989% 5990I may appear to be just sitting here like a bucket of tapioca, but 5991don't let appearances fool you. I'm approaching old age ... at the 5992speed of light. 5993 -- Prof. Cosmo Fishhawk 5994% 5995I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent. 5996 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 5997% 5998I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a 5999week sometimes to make it up. 6000 -- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad" 6001% 6002I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts! 6003% 6004I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do 6005was to go away. 6006% 6007I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like. 6008% 6009I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation. 6010 -- G. B. Shaw 6011% 6012I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis! 6013 -- Royal Floyd Mengot (Klaus) 6014% 6015I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the 6016kind of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled 6017substances being in widespread use. Back then, there were no 6018restrictions, in terms of talent, on who could make an album, so we 6019made one, and it sounds like a group of people who have been given 6020powerful but unfamiliar instruments as a therapy for a degenerative 6021nerve disease. 6022 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake" 6023% 6024I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow! 6025% 6026I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob. 6027 -- William F. Buckley 6028% 6029 "I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of 6030that is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put 6031more simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it 6032might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not 6033otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be 6034otherwise.'" 6035 -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland" 6036% 6037I realize that the MX missile is none of our concern. I realize that 6038the whole point of living in a democracy is that we pay professional 6039congresspersons to concern themselves with things like the MX missile 6040so we can be free to concern ourselves with getting hold of the 6041plumber. 6042 6043But from time to time, I feel I must address major public issues such 6044as this, because in a free and open society, where the very future of 6045the world hinges on decisions made by our elected leaders, you never 6046win large cash journalism awards if you stick to the topics I usually 6047write about, such as nose-picking. 6048 -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against 6049 Political Fallout" 6050% 6051I really hate this damned machine 6052I wish that they would sell it. 6053It never does quite what I want 6054But only what I tell it. 6055% 6056I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person. 6057% 6058I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope 6059they do get 'em lowered enough so people can afford to pay 'em. 6060 -- Will Rogers 6061% 6062I see the eigenvalue in thine eye, 6063I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh. 6064Bernoulli would have been content to die 6065Had he but known such _a-squared cos 2(phi)! 6066 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 6067% 6068I sent a letter to the fish, 6069I told them, "This is what I wish." 6070The little fishes of the sea, 6071They sent an answer back to me. 6072The little fishes' answer was 6073"We cannot do it, sir, because ..." 6074I sent a letter back to say 6075It would be better to obey. 6076But someone came to me and said 6077"The little fishes are in bed." 6078I said to him, and I said it plain 6079"Then you must wake them up again." 6080I said it very loud and clear, 6081I went and shouted in his ear. 6082But he was very stiff and proud, 6083He said "You needn't shout so loud." 6084And he was very proud and stiff, 6085He said "I'll go and wake them if ..." 6086I took a kettle from the shelf, 6087I went to wake them up myself. 6088But when I found the door was locked 6089I pulled and pushed and kicked and knocked, 6090And when I found the door was shut, 6091I tried to turn the handle, But ... 6092 6093 "Is that all?" asked Alice. 6094 "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye." 6095 -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass" 6096% 6097I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck. 6098 -- Graffito in Los Angeles 6099% 6100"... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was 6101supposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which 6102actually made me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses ..." 6103 -- Dave Barry, "The Wet Zorro Suit and Other Turning 6104 Points in l'Amour" 6105% 6106"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full 6107house and four people died." 6108 -- Steven Wright 6109% 6110I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to 6111see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. 6112 -- Shirley Temple 6113% 6114I suggest you locate your hot tub outside your house, so it won't do 6115too much damage if it catches fire or explodes. First you decide which 6116direction your hot tub should face for maximum solar energy. After 6117much trial and error, I have found that the best direction for a hot 6118tub to face is up. 6119 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 6120% 6121I think it is true for all _n. I was just playing it safe with _n >= 3 6122because I couldn't remember the proof. 6123 -- Baker, Pure Math 351a 6124% 6125I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it. 6126% 6127I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick 6128and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this 6129country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people 6130in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly 6131not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am. 6132 -- Monty Python 6133% 6134I think that I shall never see 6135A billboard lovely as a tree. 6136Perhaps, unless the billboards fall 6137I'll never see a tree at all. 6138 -- Ogden Nash 6139% 6140I think that I shall never see 6141A thing as lovely as a tree. 6142But as you see the trees have gone 6143They went this morning with the dawn. 6144A logging firm from out of town 6145Came and chopped the trees all down. 6146But I will trick those dirty skunks 6147And write a brand new poem called 'Trunks'. 6148% 6149I think the sky is blue because it's a shift from black through purple 6150to blue, and it has to do with where the light is. You know, the 6151farther we get into darkness, and there's a shifting of color of light 6152into the blueness, and I think as you go farther and farther away from 6153the reflected light we have from the sun or the light that's bouncing 6154off this earth, uh, the darker it gets ... I think if you look at the 6155color scale, you start at black, move it through purple, move it on 6156out, it's the shifting of color. We mentioned before about the stars 6157singing, and that's one of the effects of the shifting of colors. 6158 -- Pat Robertson, The 700 Club 6159% 6160I think we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown 6161... HEY! PAY ATTENTION WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU DAMMIT! I said I think 6162we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown today. 6163When we take the time to be courteous to each other, we find that we 6164are happier and less likely to engage in nuclear war. This point was 6165driven home by the recent summit talks, where Nancy Reagan and Raisa 6166Gorbachev, each of whose husband thinks the other's husband is vermin, 6167were able to sit down at a high-level tea and engage in courteous 6168conversation ... 6169 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" 6170% 6171"I thought you were trying to get into shape." 6172"I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle." 6173% 6174" ... I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a 6175pallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises!" 6176 -- Winston Churchill 6177% 6178I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in 6179twenty minutes. It's about Russia. 6180 -- Woody Allen 6181% 6182I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure. 6183% 6184I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance. 6185% 6186I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure. 6187% 6188I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my 6189body. Then I realized who was telling me this. 6190 -- Emo Phillips 6191% 6192I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere 6193near the place. 6194 -- Steven Wright 6195% 6196I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to 6197animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for 6198anything connected with society except that which makes the roads 6199safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men and women 6200warmer in the winter, and happier in the summer. 6201 -- Brendan Behan 6202% 6203"I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch `St. 6204Elsewhere', won't scream, `FORGET IT, BLANCHE ... IT'S TIME FOR "HEE 6205HAW"!!'" 6206 -- Berke Breathed, "Bloom County" 6207% 6208I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know 6209anything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child Prodigy is 6210a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows 6211up. 6212 -- Will Rogers 6213% 6214I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn. By accident I 6215put the car key in the door lock. The house started up. So I figured 6216what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times. I thought I 6217should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to 6218get off my driveway. 6219 -- Steven Wright 6220% 6221I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I 6222didn't know. 6223 -- Mark Twain 6224% 6225I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending 6226their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to 6227buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike. 6228 -- Emile Henry Gauvreay 6229% 6230I was playing poker the other night ... with Tarot cards. I got a full 6231house and four people died. 6232 -- Steven Wright 6233% 6234I went into a general store, and they wouldn't sell me anything 6235specific. 6236 -- Steven Wright 6237% 6238I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained 6239it to expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass 6240stars, for stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold. 6241I ran it assuming the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be 6242absent -- not because I wanted to know the answer, but because I had 6243developed an intuitive feel for the answer in this particular case. 6244Finally I got a run in which the computer showed the pulsar's 6245temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found an error. I 6246chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the program to 6247the point where it would not run at all. 6248 -- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star: Of Pulsars, Black 6249 Holes and the Fate of Stars" 6250% 6251I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any 6252questions , I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the 6253speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen? 6254 6255He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work 6256for him then. 6257 -- Steven Wright 6258% 6259I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in 6260the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't 6261included. 6262 -- Steven Wright 6263% 6264"I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the 6265statues that are in all the other museums." 6266 -- Steven Wright 6267% 6268I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that 6269it took seven others to beat him! 6270% 6271I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. 6272There's a knob called `brightness', but it doesn't seem to work. 6273 -- Gallagher 6274% 6275I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've 6276always worked for me. 6277 -- Hunter S. Thompson 6278% 6279I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. 6280% 6281"I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got 6282to undo it." 6283% 6284"I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat." 6285% 6286"I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I 6287snore." 6288% 6289"I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in 6290`Y.'" 6291% 6292"I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my 6293blender." 6294% 6295"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my 6296garage door." 6297% 6298"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm converting my calendar watch from 6299Julian to Gregorian." 6300% 6301"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm doing door-to-door collecting for 6302static cling." 6303% 6304"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered." 6305% 6306"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm staying home to work on my 6307cottage cheese sculpture." 6308% 6309"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving." 6310% 6311"I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma 6312transplant." 6313% 6314"I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night." 6315% 6316"I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV." 6317% 6318"I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never 6319came back." 6320% 6321"I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to say 6322tuned." 6323% 6324"I'd love to go out with you, but there are important world issues that 6325need worrying about." 6326% 6327I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy. 6328% 6329I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, 6330carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia, 6331I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun. 6332 -- Hawkeye, M*A*S*H 6333% 6334I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd 6335listen to it! 6336 -- Tom Galloway with apologies to Voltaire 6337% 6338I'll grant thee random access to my heart, 6339Thou'lt tell me all the constants of thy love; 6340And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove 6341And in our bound partition never part. 6342 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 6343% 6344I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob. 6345That will *prove* I'm Robin Hood. 6346 -- Daffy Duck, "Robin Hood Daffy", [1958, Chuck Jones] 6347% 6348I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from man. 6349% 6350I'm a Lisp variable -- bind me! 6351% 6352I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my 6353sister. 6354% 6355I'm changing my name to Chrysler 6356I'm going down to Washington, D.C. 6357I'll tell some power broker 6358 What they did for Iacocca 6359Will be perfectly acceptable to me! 6360I'm changing my name to Chrysler, 6361I'm heading for that great receiving line. 6362When they hand a million grand out, 6363 I'll be standing with my hand out, 6364Yessir, I'll get mine! 6365 -- Tom Paxton 6366% 6367I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did. 6368% 6369I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to 6370die in. 6371 -- George McGovern 6372% 6373I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man. 6374 -- Fred Allen 6375% 6376I'm going to live forever, or die trying! 6377 -- Spider Robinson 6378% 6379... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM of a 6380KOSHER DELI!! 6381% 6382"I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?" 6383 -- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate 6384% 6385i'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be 6386living apart. 6387 -- e. e. cummings 6388% 6389I'm N-ary the tree, I am, 6390N-ary the tree, I am, I am. 6391I'm getting traversed by the parser next door, 6392She's traversed me seven times before. 6393And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!) 6394Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!) 6395I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary. 6396N-ary the tree I am, I am, 6397N-ary the tree I am. 6398 -- Stolen from Paul Revere and the Raiders 6399% 6400I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. 6401It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get. 6402% 6403I'm prepared for all emergencies but 6404totally unprepared for everyday life. 6405% 6406I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is 6407-- I could be just as proud for half the money. 6408 -- Arthur Godfrey 6409% 6410I'm rated PG-34!! 6411% 6412"I'm really enjoying not talking to you ... 6413Let's not talk again ____REAL soon ..." 6414% 6415I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it 6416(your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage. 6417 -- English Professor, Providence College 6418% 6419I'm very good at integral and differential calculus, 6420I know the scientific names of beings animalculous; 6421In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, 6422I am the very model of a modern Major-General. 6423 -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "Pirates of Penzance" 6424% 6425"I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's 6426lives" 6427% 6428I've built a better model than the one at Data General 6429For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral 6430My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality; 6431My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality. 6432My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity, 6433You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity; 6434There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting; 6435My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting. 6436 6437I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point: 6438There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point, 6439Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral 6440I've built a better model than the one at Data General. 6441 6442 -- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song" (To the tune of 6443 "Modern Major General", from "Pirates of Penzance", 6444 by Gilbert & Sullivan) 6445% 6446I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand. 6447% 6448I've found my niche. If you're wondering why I'm not there, there was 6449this little hole in the bottom ... 6450 -- John Croll 6451% 6452I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself. 6453% 6454I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. 6455 -- Groucho Marx 6456% 6457I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes 6458on the same day. 6459% 6460I've seen better heads on half a pint of beer. 6461% 6462I've seen, I SAY, I've seen better heads on a mug of beer 6463 -- Senator Claghorn 6464% 6465I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness; 6466And from that full meridian of my glory 6467I haste now to my setting. I shall fall, 6468Like a bright exhalation in the evening 6469And no man see me more. 6470 -- Shakespeare 6471% 6472IBM had a PL/I, 6473 Its syntax worse than JOSS; 6474And everywhere this language went, 6475 It was a total loss. 6476% 6477Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box 6478of candy weighing less than fifty pounds. 6479% 6480Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like 6481solitary confinement. 6482% 6483Idiot Box, n.: 6484 The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the 6485 stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves. 6486 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 6487% 6488Idiot, n.: 6489 A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human 6490 affairs has always been dominant and controlling. 6491 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 6492% 6493If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape 6494at about 30 miles/second. 6495 -- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming 6496% 6497If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law. 6498 -- Roy Santoro 6499% 6500If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far. 6501 -- Paul White 6502% 6503If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus 6504forecast is a camel's behind. 6505 -- Edgar R. Fiedler 6506% 6507If A equals success, then the formula is _A = _X + _Y + _Z. _X is work. _Y 6508is play. _Z is keep your mouth shut. 6509 -- Albert Einstein 6510% 6511If a group of _N persons implements a COBOL compiler, there will be _N-1 6512passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager. 6513 -- T. Cheatham 6514% 6515If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four 6516hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where 6517it votes guilty. 6518 -- Joseph C. Goulden 6519% 6520If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake 6521him up. 6522% 6523If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country. 6524% 6525If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have 6526dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to 6527maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it 6528must drop. The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf. 6529 -- Donald A. Metz 6530% 6531If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good 6532attitude. If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to 6533playing the game right. If it plays the game right, it will win -- 6534unless, of course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager 6535can make goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry? 6536 -- Sparky Anderson 6537% 6538If all be true that I do think, 6539There be Five Reasons why one should Drink; 6540Good friends, good wine, or being dry, 6541Or lest we should be by-and-by, 6542Or any other reason why. 6543% 6544If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular 6545error. 6546 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 6547% 6548If all the Chinese simultaneously jumped into the Pacific off a 10 foot 6549platform erected 10 feet off their coast, it would cause a tidal wave 6550that would destroy everything in this country west of Nebraska. 6551% 6552If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. 6553 -- Paul Beatty 6554% 6555If all the world's economists were laid end to end, we wouldn't reach a 6556conclusion. 6557 -- William Baumol 6558% 6559If an S and an I and an O and a U 6560With an X at the end spell Su; 6561And an E and a Y and an E spell I, 6562Pray what is a speller to do? 6563Then, if also an S and an I and a G 6564And an HED spell side, 6565There's nothing much left for a speller to do 6566But to go commit siouxeyesighed. 6567 -- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament" 6568% 6569If anything can go wrong, it will. 6570% 6571If at first you don't succeed, give up. No use being a damn fool. 6572% 6573If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. 6574% 6575If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four 6576tellers? 6577% 6578If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television? 6579% 6580If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from? 6581% 6582If everybody minded their own business, the world would go 6583around a deal faster. 6584 -- The Duchess, "Through the Looking Glass" 6585% 6586If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane. 6587% 6588... If forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with 6589the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls 6590asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead ... 6591 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 6592% 6593If God didn't mean for us to juggle, tennis balls wouldn't come three 6594to a can. 6595% 6596If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire. 6597% 6598If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet. 6599% 6600If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit 6601Ears. 6602% 6603If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their Heads. 6604% 6605If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with 6606green, baggy skin. 6607% 6608If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way. 6609% 6610If God had not given us sticky tape, 6611it would have been necessary to invent it. 6612% 6613If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger 6614hands. 6615% 6616If God is dead, who will save the Queen? 6617% 6618If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions? 6619% 6620If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows. 6621 -- Yiddish saying 6622% 6623If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs? 6624 -- Marvin Kitman 6625% 6626"If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE will be 6627replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET!" 6628% 6629If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive! 6630 -- Samuel Goldwyn 6631% 6632If I don't drive around the park, 6633I'm pretty sure to make my mark. 6634If I'm in bed each night by ten, 6635I may get back my looks again. 6636If I abstain from fun and such, 6637I'll probably amount to much; 6638But I shall stay the way I am, 6639Because I do not give a damn. 6640 -- Dorothy Parker 6641% 6642If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture. 6643% 6644If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell, 6645I'd sell the plantation and go home. 6646 -- Eugene P. Gallagher 6647% 6648If I had any humility I would be perfect. 6649 -- Ted Turner 6650% 6651If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith. 6652 -- Albert Einstein 6653% 6654If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the 6655shoulders of giants. 6656 -- Isaac Newton 6657 6658In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side 6659with the giants on whose shoulders we stand. 6660 -- Gerald Holton 6661 6662If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing 6663on my shoulders. 6664 -- Hal Abelson 6665 6666In computer science, we stand on each other's feet. 6667 -- Brian K. Reid 6668% 6669If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction. 6670 6671On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, that is 6672also a psychological interaction. 6673 6674The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not so 6675friendly. 6676 6677The crucial point is if you can tell which is which. 6678 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" 6679% 6680If I traveled to the end of the rainbow 6681As Dame Fortune did intend, 6682Murphy would be there to tell me 6683The pot's at the other end. 6684 -- Bert Whitney 6685% 6686If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people? 6687% 6688If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune. 6689% 6690If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him. 6691They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun 6692of it. 6693 -- Thomas Carlyle 6694% 6695"If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they 6696forgot to send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll 6697just think the other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. 6698And if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* 6699pieces of mail get lost, why they'll think someone *else* is broken! 6700And if 1Gb of mail gets lost, they'll just *know* that Arpa is down and 6701think it's a conspiracy to keep them from their God given right to 6702receive Net Mail ..." 6703 -- Leith (Casey) Leedom 6704% 6705If life is a stage, I want some better lighting. 6706% 6707If little else, the brain is an educational toy. 6708 -- Tom Robbins 6709% 6710If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women 6711you've got in the house. 6712 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 6713% 6714If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by 6715the page number. 6716% 6717If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it. 6718% 6719If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think 6720little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and 6721Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination. 6722 -- Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859) 6723% 6724If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants. 6725 -- A. Einstein. 6726% 6727If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit 6728in my name at a Swiss bank. 6729 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 6730% 6731If only I could be respected without having to be respectable. 6732% 6733If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without 6734having to accomplish anything. 6735% 6736If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, 6737he should see how bad it is with representation. 6738% 6739If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of 6740arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the 6741physical world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker 6742entirely by the use of the mathematics of probability. 6743 -- Vannevar Bush 6744% 6745If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied 6746harder. 6747 -- Pope John Paul I 6748% 6749If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem. 6750 -- C. Durance, Computer Science 234 6751% 6752If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would 6753presumably flunk it. 6754 -- Stanley Garn 6755% 6756If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong. 6757 -- Norm Schryer 6758% 6759If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to 6760get the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. 6761See in college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving 6762the natural method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting 6763that you shall learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The 6764college, which should be a place of delightful labor, is made odious 6765and unhealthy, and the young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to 6766rally their jaded spirits. I would have the studies elective. 6767Scholarship is to be created not by compulsion, but by awakening a pure 6768interest in knowledge. The wise instructor accomplishes this by 6769opening to his pupils precisely the attractions the study has for 6770himself. The marking is a system for schools, not for the college; for 6771boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to put on a professor. 6772 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 6773% 6774If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me! 6775 -- "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920) 6776% 6777If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances 6778are 50-50 it will. 6779% 6780If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down. 6781If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down. 6782If the bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance 6783will exceed all expectations. 6784 -- Reverend Chichester 6785% 6786If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams. 6787% 6788If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that 6789will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. 6790% 6791If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? 6792 -- Art Hoppe 6793% 6794If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make 6795something out of you. 6796 -- Muhammad Ali 6797% 6798If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it. 6799% 6800If this is timesharing, give me my share right now. 6801% 6802If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same? 6803% 6804If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was 6805yesterday? 6806% 6807If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is 6808doing the thinking. 6809 -- Lyndon Baines Johnson 6810% 6811If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. 6812 -- Laurence J. Peter 6813% 6814If value corrupts then absolute value corrupts absolutely. 6815% 6816If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage. 6817% 6818If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel 6819in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary 6820qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted. 6821 -- Marguerite Emmons 6822% 6823If you are a fatalist, what can you do about it? 6824 -- Ann Edwards-Duff 6825% 6826If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars. 6827 -- J. Paul Getty 6828% 6829If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse. 6830% 6831If you can read this, you're too close. 6832% 6833If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything. 6834% 6835If you can't be good, be careful. 6836If you can't be careful, give me a call. 6837% 6838If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly. 6839% 6840If you cannot convince them, confuse them. 6841 -- Harry S Truman 6842% 6843If you didn't get caught, did you really do it? 6844% 6845If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost. 6846% 6847If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours. 6848 -- Clarence Day 6849% 6850If you don't have a nasty obituary you probably didn't matter. 6851 -- Freeman Dyson 6852% 6853"If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little 6854Lavoris in the toilet." 6855 -- Jay Leno 6856% 6857If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to 6858either of you for the rest of the day. 6859% 6860If you ever want to get anywhere in politics, my boy, you're going to 6861have to get a toehold in the public eye. 6862% 6863If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody 6864will. 6865% 6866If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, 6867it will always do it. 6868 -- Les Aspin, D., Wisconsin 6869% 6870If you go on with this nuclear arms race, 6871all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce" 6872 -- Winston Churchill 6873% 6874If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous. 6875% 6876If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some. 6877% 6878If you have to hate, hate gently 6879% 6880If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to 6881boot yourself in the posterior. 6882 -- A. J. Liebling, "The Press" 6883% 6884If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away. 6885% 6886If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee. 6887 -- Graham Summer 6888% 6889If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few 6890people die past the age of a hundred. 6891 -- George Burns 6892% 6893If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; 6894but if you really make them think they'll hate you. 6895% 6896If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail. 6897 -- Maslow 6898% 6899If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure 6900can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly 6901develop. 6902% 6903If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite 6904you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. 6905 -- Mark Twain 6906% 6907If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine, 6908you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get 6909ice, but no cup. 6910% 6911If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But 6912this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is 6913somehow ennobled and none dare criticize it. 6914% 6915If you sit down at a poker game and don't see a sucker, get up. You're 6916the sucker. 6917% 6918If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair. 6919% 6920If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker, 6921It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock. 6922 Or some joker who is slicker, 6923 Will trick you of your liquor, 6924If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock. 6925% 6926If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. 6927 -- Derek Bok, president of Harvard 6928% 6929If you think last Tuesday was a drag, 6930wait till you see what happens tomorrow! 6931% 6932If you think nobody cares if you're alive, 6933try missing a couple of car payments. 6934 -- Earl Wilson 6935% 6936If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it. 6937 -- Arthur Kasspe 6938% 6939If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest 6940shopping center in the world? 6941 -- Richard M. Nixon 6942% 6943If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would 6944be to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call 6945you to say they had a nice time. Now you'll be be expected to throw 6946another party next year. 6947 6948What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake up 6949several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've 6950been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to 6951avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning 6952parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from 6953having another one ... 6954 6955If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door, unless 6956your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas 6957through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure 6958that they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting 6959someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you ... 6960 -- Dave Barry 6961% 6962If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them 6963end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable. 6964 -- "Graffiti in the Big Ten" 6965% 6966If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything. 6967 -- A. L. 6968% 6969If you want divine justice, die. 6970 -- Nick Seldon 6971% 6972If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people 6973he gave it to. 6974 -- Dorothy Parker 6975% 6976If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the 6977Constitution. It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's 6978statecraft. Instead, read selected portions of the Washington 6979telephone directory containing listings for all the organizations with 6980titles beginning with the word "National". 6981 -- George Will 6982% 6983If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every 6984word you say, talk in your sleep. 6985% 6986"If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some 6987memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' it, 6988even if they don't know what it means." 6989 -- Walt Kelly, "The Pogo Party" 6990% 6991If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings -- including this one. 6992% 6993If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for 6994tomorrow morning, sleep late. 6995 -- Henny Youngman 6996% 6997If you're happy, you're successful. 6998% 6999 If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs 7000around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace 7001explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The 7002"professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on the sides and 7003deposits a large quantity of tools and two assistants who spend the 7004better part of the week in your basement whacking objects at random 7005with heavy wrenches, after which the "professional" returns and gives 7006you a bill for slightly more money than it would cost you to run a 7007successful campaign for the U.S. Senate. 7008 And that's why you've decided to start doing things yourself. 7009You figure, "If those guys can fix my furnace, then so can I. How 7010difficult can it be?" 7011 Very difficult. In fact, most home projects are impossible, 7012which is why you should do them yourself. There is no point in paying 7013other people to screw things up when you can easily screw them up 7014yourself for far less money. This article can help you. 7015 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 7016% 7017If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. 7018% 7019If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory. 7020 -- Benjamin Disraeli 7021% 7022If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%? 7023% 7024If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round it 7025off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the universe? 7026% 7027If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all. 7028 -- Ronald Reagan 7029% 7030Ignisecond, n.: 7031 The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car 7032 door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!" 7033 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 7034% 7035Il brilgue: les t^oves libricilleux 7036 Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave, 7037Enm^im'es sont les gougebosquex, 7038 Et le m^omerade horgrave. 7039 -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass" 7040% 7041Iles's Law: 7042 There is always an easier way to do it. When looking directly 7043at the easy way, especially for long periods, you will not see it. 7044Neither will Iles. 7045% 7046Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot -- it's more like the 7047land He's trying to ignore. 7048% 7049Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality. 7050 -- Jules de Gaultier 7051% 7052"Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the 7053usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody 7054thinks of complaining." 7055 -- Jeff Raskin, interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal 7056% 7057Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has 7058a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk 7059storage, a screen resolution of 4096 x 4096 pixels, relies entirely on 7060voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300. 7061What's the first question that the computer community asks? 7062 7063"Is it PC compatible?" 7064% 7065Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery. 7066 -- Jack Paar 7067% 7068Immortality -- a fate worse than death. 7069 -- Edgar A. Shoaff 7070% 7071Impartial, adj.: 7072 Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from 7073 espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two 7074 conflicting opinions. 7075 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 7076% 7077Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the 7078mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the 7079Boss is reading it. 7080% 7081Impossible, adj.: 7082 (1) I wouldn't like it and when it happens I won't approve; 7083 (2) I can't be bothered; 7084 (3) God can't be bothered. 7085 Meaning (3) may perhaps be valid but the others are 101% whaledreck. 7086 -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab" 7087% 7088In 1750 Isaac Newton became discouraged when he fell up a flight of 7089stairs. 7090% 7091In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled 7092waffles. 7093% 7094In 1880 the French captured Detroit but gave it back ... they couldn't 7095get parts. 7096% 7097In 1914, the first crossword puzzle was printed in a newspaper. The 7098creator received $4000 down ... and $3000 across. 7099% 7100In 1915 pancake make-up was invented but most people still preferred 7101syrup. 7102% 7103In a five year period we can get one superb programming language. Only 7104we can't control when the five year period will begin. 7105% 7106 In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi, 7107junior, what are you up to?" 7108 "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the 7109rabbit. 7110 "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!" 7111 "Well, follow me and I'll show you." They both go into the 7112rabbit's dwelling and after a while the rabbit emerges with a satisfied 7113expression on his face. 7114 Comes along a wolf. "Hello, what are we doing these days?" 7115 "I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits 7116devour wolves." 7117 "Are you crazy? Where is your academic honesty?" 7118 "Come with me and I'll show you." As before, the rabbit comes 7119out with a satisfied look on his face and a diploma in his paw. 7120Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave and, as everybody 7121should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge lion sitting 7122next to some bloody and furry remnants of the wolf and the fox. 7123 7124The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are important -- 7125it's your PhD advisor that really counts. 7126% 7127In a medium in which a News Piece takes a minute and an "In-Depth" 7128Piece takes two minutes, the Simple will drive out the Complex. 7129 -- Frank Mankiewicz 7130% 7131In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus, 7132"one when he was a boy and one when he was a man." 7133 -- Mark Twain 7134% 7135In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground 7136with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries. Anthropologists call 7137this a form of primitive self-expression. In America we call it golf. 7138% 7139In America today ... we have Woody Allen, whose humor has become so 7140sophisticated that nobody gets it any more except Mia Farrow. All 7141those who think Mia Farrow should go back to making movies where the 7142devil gets her pregnant and Woody Allen should go back to dressing up 7143as a human sperm, please raise your hands. Thank you. 7144 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" 7145% 7146In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one 7147of the risks he takes. 7148 -- Adlai Stevenson 7149% 7150In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own 7151incompetency 7152 -- The Peter Principle 7153% 7154In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks) 7155are to be treated as variables. 7156% 7157In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of 7158nations -- it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir. 7159 -- Stuart Keate 7160% 7161In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own 7162at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public. 7163% 7164In Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs. 7165% 7166In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools 7167will be temporarily canceled. 7168% 7169In case of injury notify your superior immediately. He'll kiss it and 7170make it better. 7171% 7172In Columbia, Pennsylvania, it is against the law for a pilot to tickle 7173a female flying student under her chin with a feather duster in order 7174to get her attention. 7175% 7176In Corning, Iowa, it's a misdemeanor for a man to ask his wife to ride 7177in any motor vehicle. 7178% 7179In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable. 7180 -- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery 7181% 7182In Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door 7183neighbor. 7184% 7185In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset. 7186% 7187In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last 7188resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but 7189inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first. 7190 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 7191% 7192In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our 7193programming languages. 7194% 7195In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on 7196the sidewalks when a concert is on. 7197% 7198In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come 7199into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish 7200between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which 7201will only make it mushy. 7202 -- Mark Twain 7203% 7204In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your 7205pocket. 7206% 7207In Lowes Crossroads, Delaware, it is a violation of local law for any 7208pilot or passenger to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket while 7209either flying or waiting to board a plane. 7210% 7211In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless 7212there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red 7213flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians. 7214% 7215In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as 7216to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the 7217speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00. 7218% 7219In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the 7220universe. 7221 -- Carl Sagan, Cosmos 7222% 7223In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, 7224intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from 7225the cares of office. 7226 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 7227% 7228In Pocataligo, Georgia, it is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds 7229and attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane. 7230% 7231In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying 7232of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public 7233view." 7234% 7235In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space 7236Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways. 7237Our asymptotes no longer out of phase, 7238We shall encounter, counting, face to face. 7239 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 7240% 7241In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that 7242is over six feet in length. 7243% 7244In seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way. 7245 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 7246% 7247"In short, _N is Richardian if, and only if, _N is not Richardian." 7248% 7249In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's. 7250% 7251In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a 7252moving automobile. 7253% 7254[In the 60's] there was madness in any direction, at any hour ... You 7255could strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense 7256that whatever we were doing was `right', that we were winning ... 7257 7258And that, I think, was the handle -- the sense of inevitable victory 7259over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we 7260didn't need that. Our energy would simply `prevail'. There was no 7261point in fighting -- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; 7262we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave .... 7263 7264So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in 7265Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost 7266___see the high-water mark -- the place where the wave finally broke and 7267rolled back. 7268 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" 7269% 7270In the beginning was the word. 7271But by the time the second word was added to it, 7272there was trouble. 7273For with it came syntax ... 7274 -- John Simon 7275% 7276In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he sat 7277hacking at the PDP-6. "What are you doing?", asked Minsky. "I am 7278training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe." "Why is the 7279net wired randomly?", asked Minsky. "I do not want it to have any 7280preconceptions of how to play." Minsky shut his eyes. "Why do you 7281close your eyes?", Sussman asked his teacher. "So the room will be 7282empty." At that moment, Sussman was enlightened. 7283% 7284In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in 7285the proper order then why can't he? 7286% 7287In the land of the dark, the Ship of the Sun 7288is driven by the Grateful Dead. 7289 -- Egyptian Book of the Dead 7290% 7291In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble. 7292 -- Alan Perlis 7293% 7294In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or 7295a loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it 7296to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by 7297forty lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you 7298stole a dog and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit 7299punches, although it was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong 7300enough to punch you. 7301 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 7302% 7303In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has 7304shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the 7305Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million 7306three hundred thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years 7307from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. 7308... There is something fascinating about science. One gets such 7309wholesome returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of 7310fact. 7311 -- Mark Twain 7312% 7313In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to 7314drop out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at 7315discotheques. 7316 -- Art Linkletter 7317% 7318In those days he was wiser than he is now -- he used to frequently take 7319my advice. 7320 -- Winston Churchill 7321% 7322In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without 7323the supervision of a licensed engineer. 7324% 7325In West Union, Ohio, No married man can go flying without his spouse 7326along at any time, unless he has been married for more than 12 months. 7327% 7328Incumbent, n.: 7329 Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents. 7330 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 7331% 7332... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves 7333smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat. It is 7334not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery. 7335 -- Stephen Crane 7336% 7337Indifference will be the downfall of mankind, but who cares? 7338% 7339Individualists unite! 7340% 7341Infancy, n.: 7342 The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven 7343 lies about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon 7344 afterward. 7345 -- Ambrose Bierce 7346% 7347Information Center, n.: 7348 A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is 7349 to tell you why you cannot have the information you require. 7350% 7351Ingrate, n.: 7352 A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of 7353 indigestion. 7354% 7355Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. 7356 -- Martin Luther King, Jr. 7357% 7358Ink, n.: 7359 A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and 7360 water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and 7361 promote intellectual crime. 7362 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 7363 [alternately attributed to H.L. Mencken] 7364% 7365Innovation is hard to schedule. 7366 -- Dan Fylstra 7367% 7368Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids. 7369% 7370Insanity is the final defense. It's hard to get a refund when the 7371salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon. 7372% 7373Interpreter, n.: 7374 One who enables two persons of different languages to understand 7375 each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the 7376 interpreter's advantage for the other to have said. 7377 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 7378% 7379Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure. 7380% 7381 INVENTORY 7382Four be the things I am wiser to know: 7383Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe. 7384 7385Four be the things I'd been better without: 7386Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt. 7387 7388Three be the things I shall never attain: 7389Envy, content, and sufficient champagne. 7390 7391Three be the things I shall have till I die: 7392Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye. 7393% 7394Iron Law of Distribution: 7395 Them that has, gets. 7396% 7397Irrationality is the square root of all evil. 7398 -- Douglas Hofstadter 7399% 7400Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is 7401meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as a 7402soap bubble? 7403% 7404Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the 7405beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get 7406out, and such as are out wish to get in? 7407 -- Ralph Emerson 7408% 7409Is your job running? You'd better go catch it! 7410% 7411Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction 7412listen to weather forecasts and economists? 7413 -- Kelvin Throop III 7414% 7415Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune 7416tellers take economists seriously? 7417% 7418Issawi's Laws of Progress: 7419 7420 The Course of Progress: 7421 Most things get steadily worse. 7422 7423 The Path of Progress: 7424 A shortcut is the longest distance between two points. 7425% 7426It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself working 7427as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. One slow day, he found that he 7428had time to chat with the new entrants. To the first one he asked, 7429"What's your IQ?" The new arrival replied, "190". They discussed 7430Einstein's theory of relativity for hours. When the second new arrival 7431came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's IQ. The answer 7432this time came "120". To which Einstein replied, "Tell me, how did the 7433Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half an hour or so. 7434To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the question, "What's 7435your IQ?". Upon receiving the answer "70", Einstein smiled and asked, 7436"Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?" 7437% 7438It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater. The clown 7439came out to inform the public. They thought it was just a jest and 7440applauded. He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder. So I 7441think the world will come to an end amid general applause from all the 7442wits, who believe that it is a joke. 7443% 7444It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is 7445thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have 7446drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell. 7447 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 7448% 7449It has been said [by Anatole France], "it is not by amusing oneself 7450that one learns," and, in reply: "it is *____only* by amusing oneself that 7451one can learn." 7452 -- Edward Kasner and James R. Newman 7453% 7454It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have 7455been searching for evidence which could support this. 7456 -- Bertrand Russell 7457% 7458It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. 7459% 7460It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to 7461program. What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in 7462organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be 7463self-critical? 7464 -- Alan Perlis 7465% 7466It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of 7467Urbana, Illinois. 7468% 7469It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will 7470not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves 7471and because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like 7472mature human beings ... 7473 -- Playboy, January 1983 7474% 7475It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a 7476pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the 7477sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color. 7478 -- Voltaire 7479% 7480It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what 7481they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed 7482that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so 7483much -- the wheel, New York wars and so on -- whilst all the dolphins 7484had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But 7485conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more 7486intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons. 7487 7488Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending 7489destruction of the of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to 7490alert mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were 7491misinterpreted ... 7492 -- Douglas Adams "The Hitch-Hikers' Guide To The 7493 Galaxy" 7494% 7495It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be 7496coming up it. 7497 -- Henry Allen 7498% 7499It is better never to have been born. But who among us has such luck? 7500One in a million, perhaps. 7501% 7502It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark. 7503% 7504It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three 7505benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never 7506to use either. 7507 -- Mark Twain 7508% 7509It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both 7510incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by 7511twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. 7512 -- Rod Serling 7513% 7514It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is 7515lightly greased. 7516 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 7517% 7518It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its 7519proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community 7520a better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to 7521treat your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the 7522focus of attention, the harder the task. 7523 -- Sydney J. Harris 7524% 7525It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa. 7526% 7527It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 7528% 7529It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one. 7530% 7531It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because 7532if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of 7533people. 7534 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" 7535% 7536It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood 7537Boulevard at one time. 7538% 7539It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia. 7540% 7541It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry 7542a tune. 7543 -- Woody Allen 7544% 7545It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so 7546ingenious. 7547% 7548It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not 7549desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off. 7550 -- Woody Allen 7551% 7552It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our 7553offense consists in doubting it. 7554 -- Justice Robert H. Jackson 7555% 7556It is much easier to suggest solutions 7557when you know nothing about the problem. 7558% 7559It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be 7560privileged to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to 7561corrupt the youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles. 7562 -- George Bernard Shaw 7563% 7564It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail. 7565 -- Gore Vidal 7566% 7567It is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it's one 7568damn thing over and over. 7569 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay 7570% 7571It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is? 7572 -- Elizabeth Carpenter 7573% 7574It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit. 7575% 7576It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that 7577virginity could be a virtue. 7578 -- Voltaire 7579% 7580It is only people of small moral stature who have to stand on their 7581dignity. 7582% 7583It is only the great men who are truly obscene. If they had not dared 7584to be obscene, they could never have dared to be great. 7585 -- Havelock Ellis 7586% 7587It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to 7588students that have had prior exposure to BASIC: as potential 7589programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration. 7590 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 7591% 7592It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the 7593lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as 7594high as the eagle? 7595% 7596It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a 7597statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more 7598glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through 7599which we look, which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the 7600day, that is the highest of arts. 7601 -- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live" 7602% 7603It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad 7604crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed 7605until the other has gone. 7606% 7607It is the business of little minds to shrink. 7608 -- Carl Sandburg 7609% 7610It is the business of the future to be dangerous. 7611 -- Hawkwind 7612% 7613It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for 7614five straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity. But 7615it takes Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you. 7616% 7617It is very difficult to prophesy, especially when it pertains to the 7618future. 7619% 7620It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out. 7621% 7622It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too 7623good either if you speak when your head is empty. 7624% 7625It may be that your whole purpose in life 7626is simply to serve as a warning to others. 7627% 7628"It runs like _x, where _x is something unsavory" 7629 -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435 7630% 7631It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the 7632flag. 7633% 7634It shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the 7635municipality. 7636 -- Local ordinance, Euclid Ohio 7637% 7638It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, 7639but I couldn't give up because by that time I was too famous. 7640 -- Robert Benchley 7641% 7642It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead. 7643% 7644It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set 7645foot. 7646% 7647It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a 7648breeze was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was 7649broken ... 7650 -- James Dent 7651% 7652It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps 7653I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I 7654don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and 7655the signature (which I guessed at). There's a singular and a perpetual 7656charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its 7657novelty .... Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but 7658yours are kept forever -- unread. One of them will last a reasonable 7659man a lifetime. 7660 -- Thomas Aldrich 7661% 7662 It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east 7663laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The 7664thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, 7665nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying 7666for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's. 7667 Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating 7668under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting 7669icepacks. 7670 -- The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 7671% 7672It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly. It was more like 7673the rose and the teeth were in the same glass. 7674% 7675It will be advantageous to cross the great stream ... the Dragon is on 7676the wing in the Sky ... the Great Man rouses himself to his Work. 7677% 7678It will be generally found that those who sneer habitually at human 7679nature and affect to despise it, are among its worst and least pleasant 7680examples. 7681 -- Charles Dickens 7682% 7683It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing 7684warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or 7685two things still safe to eat. 7686 -- Robert Fuoss 7687% 7688It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word. 7689 -- Andrew Jackson 7690% 7691It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear. 7692 -- Cheers 7693% 7694It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for. 7695% 7696"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it." 7697 -- Steven Wright 7698% 7699"It's a summons." 7700"What's a summons?" 7701"It means summon's in trouble." 7702 -- Rocky and Bullwinkle 7703% 7704It's a very *__UN*lucky week in which to be took dead. 7705 -- Churchy La Femme 7706% 7707It's always darkest just before it gets pitch black. 7708% 7709It's bad luck to be superstitious. 7710 -- Andrew W. Mathis 7711% 7712It's better to be wanted for murder than not to be wanted at all. 7713 -- Marty Winch 7714% 7715"It's easier said than done." 7716 7717... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than 7718said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than 7719said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than 7720done". 7721% 7722It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. 7723% 7724It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for 7725being right. 7726% 7727It's Fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an hour! 7728 -- Macy's 7729% 7730It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse. 7731% 7732It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is. 7733If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't 7734our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs. 7735 -- Oxford University Press, "Edpress News" 7736% 7737It's just a jump to the left 7738 And then a step to the right. 7739Put your hands on your hips 7740 And pull your knees in tight. 7741It's the pelvic thrust 7742 That really gets you insa-a-a-a-ane 7743 7744 LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN! 7745 7746 -- Rocky Horror Picture Show 7747% 7748"It's kind of fun to do the impossible." 7749 -- Walt Disney 7750% 7751"It's Like This" 7752 7753Even the samurai 7754have teddy bears, 7755and even the teddy bears 7756get drunk. 7757% 7758It's lucky you're going so slowly, because 7759you're going in the wrong direction. 7760% 7761"It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name." 7762% 7763It's more than magnificent -- it's mediocre. 7764 -- Sam Goldwyn 7765% 7766It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how 7767to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair. 7768 -- George Burns 7769% 7770It's not an optical illusion; it just looks like one. 7771 -- Phil White 7772% 7773It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either. 7774 -- Kevin White, mayor of Boston 7775% 7776It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too. 7777 -- Alexander Korda 7778% 7779It's not just a computer -- it's your ass. 7780 -- Cal Keegan 7781% 7782It's not reality or how you perceive things that's important -- it's 7783what you're taking for it... 7784% 7785It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off 7786the ground. 7787 -- Daniel B. Luten 7788% 7789It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it 7790happens. 7791 -- Woody Allen 7792% 7793It's not the valleys in life I dread so much as the dips. 7794 -- Garfield 7795% 7796It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that 7797English is the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many 7798other languages "You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case. 7799 -- Sydney J. Harris 7800% 7801It's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ... 7802% 7803It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles. 7804% 7805It's so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the 7806Devil when he is the only explanation of it. 7807% 7808It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which 7809raises the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody 7810not to. 7811 -- Franklin P. Jones 7812% 7813It's the thought, if any, that counts! 7814% 7815 JACK AND THE BEANSTACK 7816 by Mark Isaak 7817 7818 Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL 7819character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their 7820hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices 7821are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some 7822BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it 7823to him. 7824 So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path, 7825he met the traveling salesman. 7826 "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman 7827in high-level language. 7828 "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips 7829and Apples," commented Jack. 7830 "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue 7831there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now." 7832 Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when 7833he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she 7834started thrashing. 7835 "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these 7836kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the 7837window ... 7838% 7839Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government: 7840 No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the 7841 legislature is in session. 7842% 7843James Joyce -- an essentially private man who wished his total 7844indifference to public notice to be universally recognized. 7845 -- Tom Stoppard 7846% 7847Jenkinson's Law: 7848 It won't work. 7849% 7850Jesus Saves, 7851Moses Invests, 7852But only Buddha pays Dividends. 7853% 7854Job Placement, n.: 7855 Telling your boss what he can do with your job. 7856% 7857Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes! 7858% 7859Johnson's First Law: 7860 When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the 7861most inconvenient possible time. 7862% 7863Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called 7864"Bureaucracy". Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do 7865anything loses. 7866% 7867Join the march to save individuality! 7868% 7869Jone's Law: 7870 The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone 7871to blame it on. 7872% 7873Jone's Motto: 7874 Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate. 7875% 7876Jones's First Law: 7877 Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of 7878 endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an 7879 obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the 7880 importance of their original contribution. 7881% 7882Just about every computer on the market today runs Unix, except the Mac 7883(and nobody cares about it). 7884 -- Bill Joy 6/21/85 7885% 7886Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good 7887solutions seldom black or white. Beware of the solution that requires 7888one side to be totally the loser and the other side to be totally the 7889winner. The reason there are two sides to begin with usually is 7890because neither side has all the facts. Therefore, when the wise 7891mediator effects a compromise, he is not acting from political 7892motivation. Rather, he is acting from a deep sense of respect for the 7893whole truth. 7894 -- Stephen R. Schwambach 7895% 7896Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has 7897changed. 7898 -- Irene Peter 7899% 7900Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you. 7901% 7902Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he 7903knows what it is. 7904% 7905Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you 7906get a prompt, type like hell. 7907% 7908Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't 7909immune to bullets 7910 -- The Brigader, "Dr. Who" 7911% 7912"Just out of curiosity does this actually mean something or have some 7913of the few remaining bits of your brain just evaporated?" 7914 -- Patricia O Tuama, rissa@killer.DALLAS.TX.US 7915% 7916Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to 7917twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty! 7918% 7919`Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried, 7920 As he landed his crew with care; 7921Supporting each man on the top of the tide 7922 By a finger entwined in his hair. 7923 7924'Just the place for a Snark! I have said it twice: 7925 That alone should encourage the crew. 7926Just the place for a Snark! I have said it thrice: 7927 What I tell you three times is true.' 7928% 7929Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a 7930faster rat!!! 7931% 7932Justice always prevails ... three times out of seven! 7933 -- Michael J. Wagner 7934% 7935Justice is incidental to law and order. 7936 -- J. Edgar Hoover 7937% 7938Justice, n.: 7939 A decision in your favor. 7940% 7941K: Cobalt's metal, hard and shining; 7942 Cobol's wordy and confining; 7943 KOBOLDS topple when you strike them; 7944 Don't feel bad, it's hard to like them. 7945 -- The Roguelet's ABC 7946% 7947Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to 7948wear tail lights. 7949% 7950Katz' Law: 7951 Man and nations will act rationally when all other 7952 possibilities have been exhausted. 7953% 7954Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans. 7955% 7956Keep Cool, but Don't Freeze 7957 - Hellman's Mayonnaise 7958% 7959Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis. 7960% 7961Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo. 7962% 7963Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee: 7964 (1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc 7965 straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this 7966 force is technically termed "car suck"). 7967 (2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive 7968 than "Watch this!" 7969% 7970Keep you Eye on the Ball, 7971Your Shoulder to the Wheel, 7972Your Nose to the Grindstone, 7973Your Feet on the Ground, 7974Your Head on your Shoulders. 7975Now ... try to get something DONE! 7976% 7977Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most 7978automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gage, nor any of the 7979numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the 7980driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the 7981dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know 7982what's wrong." 7983% 7984Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College: 7985 Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students, 7986and parking for the faculty. 7987% 7988Kids have *_____never* taken guidance from their parents. If you could 7989travel back in time and observe the original primate family in the 7990original tree, you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate 7991teenager for sitting around and sulking all day instead of hunting for 7992grubs and berries like dad primate. Then you'd see the primate 7993teenager stomp up to his branch and slam the leaves. 7994 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do" 7995% 7996Kin, n.: 7997 An affliction of the blood 7998% 7999Kinkler's First Law: 8000 Responsibility always exceeds authority. 8001 8002Kinkler's Second Law: 8003 All the easy problems have been solved. 8004% 8005"Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack." 8006% 8007Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through 8008any of its streets. 8009% 8010Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic. 8011% 8012Kiss your keyboard goodbye! 8013% 8014Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within. 8015% 8016Klein bottle for sale ... inquire within. 8017% 8018Kleptomaniac, n.: 8019 A rich thief. 8020 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8021% 8022Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A. 8023% 8024Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions. 8025 -- Henry N. Camp 8026% 8027Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr): 8028 The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards. 8029 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 8030% 8031Labor, n.: 8032 One of the processes by which A acquires property for B. 8033 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8034% 8035Lackland's Laws: 8036 (1) Never be first. 8037 (2) Never be last. 8038 (3) Never volunteer for anything 8039% 8040Lactomangulation, n.: 8041 Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly 8042 that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side. 8043 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 8044% 8045Ladybug, ladybug, 8046Look to your stern! 8047Your house is on fire, 8048Your children will burn! 8049So jump ye and sing, for 8050The very first time 8051The four lines above 8052Have been put into rhyme. 8053 -- Walt Kelly 8054% 8055Laetrile is the pits. 8056% 8057Langsam's Laws: 8058 (1) Everything depends. 8059 (2) Nothing is always. 8060 (3) Everything is sometimes. 8061% 8062Larkinson's Law: 8063 All laws are basically false. 8064% 8065Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she lived with 8066was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always getting 8067pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to the 8068farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their 8069sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do 8070you think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her? 8071What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead 8072of every week. What with all the time these people spent pinned under 8073the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops 8074whatsoever. They probably got by on federal crop supports, which 8075Lassie filed the applications for. 8076 -- Dave Barry 8077% 8078Last night, I came home and realized that everything in my apartment 8079had been stolen and replaced with an exact duplicate. I told this to 8080my friend -- he said, `Do I know you?' 8081 -- Steven Wright 8082% 8083Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police 8084record. I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album. Cops have no sense 8085of humor. 8086% 8087Last yeer I kudn't spel Engineer. Now I are won. 8088% 8089Laugh at your problems; everybody else does. 8090% 8091Laughter is the closest distance between two people. 8092 -- Victor Borge 8093% 8094Law of Communications: 8095 The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications 8096 between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased 8097 area of misunderstanding. 8098% 8099Law of Probable Dispersal: 8100 Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. 8101% 8102Law of Selective Gravity: 8103 An object will fall so as to do the most damage. 8104 8105Jenning's Corollary: 8106 The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is 8107 directly proportional to the cost of the carpet. 8108 8109Law of the Perversity of Nature: 8110 You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the 8111 bread to butter. 8112% 8113Law of the Perversity of Nature: 8114 You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the 8115 bread to butter. 8116% 8117Laws of Serendipity: 8118 8119 (1) In order to discover anything, you must be looking for 8120 something. 8121 (2) If you wish to make an improved product, you must already 8122 be engaged in making an inferior one. 8123% 8124Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: 8125 No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats -- 8126 approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less. 8127% 8128Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads. 8129% 8130Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and 8131everything else follows in the same way. 8132 -- Alan J. Perlis 8133% 8134Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. 8135% 8136Legalize free-enterprise murder: why should governments have all the 8137fun? 8138% 8139Legislation proposed in the Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907: 8140 Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour 8141unless the motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a 8142drink in 30 days, when the driver will be permitted to make what he 8143can. 8144% 8145Leibowitz's Rule: 8146 When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you 8147 hold the hammer with both hands. 8148% 8149LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) 8150 You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are 8151 pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike 8152 honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people 8153 are thieves. 8154% 8155LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) 8156 Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore. 8157 Your ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because 8158 you've got a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of 8159 fact, if you can laugh at what happens to you today, you've got 8160 a sick sense of humor. 8161% 8162Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday. 8163% 8164Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a 8165number. You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash 8166and another number. 8167 -- James Estes 8168% 8169Let us live!!! 8170Let us love!!! 8171Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!! 8172 8173You first. 8174% 8175Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted. In every 8176relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive. If you 8177really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the 8178end. For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the 8179qualities I most admired in myself I gave up. I stopped being loud and 8180bossy ... Oh, all right. I was still loud and bossy, but only behind 8181his back. 8182 -- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn 8183% 8184Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick 8185your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as 8186Mental Anguish. You would sue: 8187 8188* The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions 8189 section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand 8190 into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls 8191 in there". 8192 8193* The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious 8194 cretin like yourself. 8195 8196* Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this 8197 case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you 8198 a large cash settlement anyway. 8199 -- Dave Barry 8200% 8201Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often 8202overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of 8203dollars: For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your 8204tax return around under your armpit. No IRS agent is going to want to 8205spend hours poring over a sweat-stained document. So even if you owe 8206money, you can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will 8207probably give it to you, just to avoid an audit. What does he care? 8208It's not his money. 8209 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" 8210% 8211LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London) 8212 8213Dear Sir, 8214 8215I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or 8216to the office. We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in 8217public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result 8218in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn 8219will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed 8220agricultural industry. 8221 8222Yours faithfully, 8223 Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J. P. 8224 Sevenoaks 8225% 8226Lewis's Law of Travel: 8227 The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to 8228 anyone, ever. 8229% 8230Liar, n.: 8231 A lawyer with a roving commission. 8232 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8233% 8234Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have. 8235 -- Harry Emerson Fosdick 8236% 8237LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22) 8238 Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your 8239 desire for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and 8240 polite. Someone is watching you, so stop staring like that. 8241% 8242LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22) 8243 You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with 8244 reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay. 8245 Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most 8246 Libra women are prostitutes. All Libra people die of venereal 8247 disease. 8248% 8249Lie, n.: 8250 A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one 8251 discovered to date. 8252% 8253Lieberman's Law: 8254 Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. 8255% 8256Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while. 8257% 8258Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string. 8259% 8260Life is like a bowl of soup with hairs floating on it. You have to 8261eat it nevertheless. 8262 -- Flaubert 8263% 8264Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it. 8265% 8266Life is like a simile. 8267% 8268Life is like an analogy. 8269% 8270Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, 8271and then you find there is nothing in it. 8272 -- James Huneker 8273% 8274Life is too important to take seriously. 8275 -- Corky Siegel 8276% 8277Life may have no meaning -- or even worse, 8278it may have a meaning of which I disapprove. 8279% 8280"Life to you is a bold and dashing responsibility" 8281 -- a Mary Chung's fortune cookie 8282% 8283Life would be much simpler and things would get done much faster if it 8284weren't for other people 8285 -- Blore 8286% 8287Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code. 8288% 8289Life: loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it. 8290 -- Marvin, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 8291% 8292Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made 8293sense from things she found in gift shops. 8294 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. 8295% 8296Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking 8297for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem. 8298 -- Alan McKay 8299% 8300Limericks are art forms complex, 8301Their topics run chiefly to sex. 8302 They usually have virgins, 8303 And masculine urgin's, 8304And other erotic effects. 8305% 8306Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations. 8307% 8308Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow. Maybe 8309 we should think only about today. 8310Charlie Brown: 8311 No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday will get 8312 better. 8313% 8314Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night. 8315 -- Candice Bergen 8316% 8317Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip 8318around the Sun. 8319% 8320Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted 8321before. 8322% 8323Lizzie Borden took an axe, 8324And plunged it deep into the VAX; 8325Don't you envy people who 8326Do all the things ___YOU want to do? 8327% 8328Loan-department manager: "There isn't any fine print. At these 8329interest rates, we don't need it." 8330% 8331Lobster: 8332 Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are 8333squeamish about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the 8334only proper method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to 8335eliminate your guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial 8336before they're cooked. The fact is, lobsters are among the most 8337ferocious predators on the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime 8338in the reefs. Grasp the lobster behind the head, look it right in its 8339unmistakably guilty eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of 8340the 21st?", then flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout, 8341"Perhaps this will refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a 8342memory!" The lobster will squirm noticeably. It may even take a swipe 8343at you with one of its claws. Incorrigible. Pop it into the pot. 8344Justice has been served, and shortly you and your friends will be, 8345too. 8346 -- Dave Barry, "Cooking: The Art of Using Appliances and 8347 Utensils into Excuses and Apologies" 8348% 8349Lockwood's Long Shot: 8350 The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street aren't 8351 one in a million, but once would be enough. 8352% 8353Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree; that smells *_____awful*. 8354% 8355... Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and 8356legally ... impeccable! 8357% 8358Logicians have but ill defined 8359As rational the human kind. 8360Logic, they say, belongs to man, 8361But let them prove it if they can. 8362 -- Oliver Goldsmith 8363% 8364Look out! Behind you! 8365% 8366Look, we play the Star Spangled Banner before every game. You want us 8367to pay income taxes, too? 8368 -- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox 8369% 8370Loose bits sink chips. 8371% 8372Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying 8373"BOOGA, BOOGA!" 8374% 8375Lost interest? It's so bad I've lost apathy. 8376% 8377Loud burping while walking around the airport is prohibited in 8378Halstead, Kansas. 8379% 8380Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea. 8381% 8382Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the 8383world has ever seen. 8384% 8385Love cannot be much younger than the lust for murder. 8386 -- Sigmund Freud 8387% 8388Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it 8389flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come. 8390 -- Matt Groening, "Love is Hell" 8391% 8392Love is a word that is constantly heard, 8393Hate is a word that is not. 8394Love, I am told, is more precious than gold. 8395Love, I have read, is hot. 8396But hate is the verb that to me is superb, 8397And Love but a drug on the mart. 8398Any kiddie in school can love like a fool, 8399But Hating, my boy, is an Art. 8400 -- Ogden Nash 8401% 8402Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with 8403the ideal never goes unpunished. 8404 -- Goethe 8405% 8406Love is sentimental measles. 8407% 8408Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. 8409 -- H. L. Mencken 8410% 8411Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes. 8412% 8413Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood. 8414 -- Louise Beal 8415% 8416Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up to. 8417% 8418 Love's Drug 8419 8420My love is like an iron wand 8421 That conks me on the head, 8422My love is like the valium 8423 That I take before my bed, 8424My love is like the pint of scotch 8425 That I drink when I be dry; 8426And I shall love thee still, my dear, 8427 Until my wife is wise. 8428% 8429Lowery's Law: 8430 If it jams -- force it. 8431 If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. 8432% 8433LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand. 8434% 8435Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: 8436 There's always one more bug. 8437% 8438Lunatic Asylum, n.: 8439 The place where optimism most flourishes. 8440% 8441Lysistrata had a good idea. 8442% 8443"MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into 8444the smallest amount of thoughts." 8445 -- Winston Churchill 8446% 8447Machine-Independent, adj.: 8448 Does not run on any existing machine. 8449% 8450Machines certainly can solve problems, store information, correlate, 8451and play games -- but not with pleasure. 8452 -- Leo Rosten 8453% 8454Mad, adj.: 8455 Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence. 8456 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8457% 8458Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them 8459first for seven hours, they always come out tender. 8460 -- W. C. Fields 8461% 8462MAFIA, n: 8463 [Acronym for Mechanized Applications in Forced Insurance 8464Accounting.] An extensive network with many on-line and offshore 8465subsystems running under OS, DOS, and IOS. MAFIA documentation is 8466rather scanty, and the MAFIA sales office exhibits that testy 8467reluctance to bona fide inquiries which is the hallmark of so many DP 8468operations. From the little that has seeped out, it would appear that 8469MAFIA operates under a non-standard protocol, OMERTA, a tight-lipped 8470variant of SNA, in which extended handshakes also perform complex 8471security functions. The known timesharing aspects of MAFIA point to a 8472more than usually autocratic operating system. Screen prompts carry an 8473imperative, nonrefusable weighting (most menus offer simple YES/YES 8474options, defaulting to YES) that precludes indifference or delay. 8475Uniquely, all editing under MAFIA is performed centrally, using a 8476powerful rubout feature capable of erasing files, filors, filees, and 8477entire nodal aggravations. 8478 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 8479% 8480Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism 8481 8482Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet. 8483 8484The two definitions immediately preceding are condensed from the works 8485of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject 8486with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human 8487knowledge. 8488 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8489% 8490Magnocartic, adj.: 8491 Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping carts. 8492 -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends" 8493% 8494Magpie, n.: 8495 A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone that it 8496might be taught to talk. 8497 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8498% 8499Maier's Law: 8500 If the facts don't conform to the theory, they must be disposed of. 8501 -- N.R. Maier, "American Psychologist", March 1960 8502 8503Corollaries: 8504 (1) The bigger the theory, the better. 8505 (2) The experiment may be considered a success if no more than 8506 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to 8507 obtain a correspondence with the theory. 8508% 8509Main's Law: 8510 For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. 8511% 8512Maintainer's Motto: 8513 If we can't fix it, it ain't broke. 8514% 8515Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly 8516 as one man. 8517 8518Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds. 8519 8520Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second. 8521 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8522% 8523Majority, n.: 8524 That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law. 8525% 8526Make it myself? But I'm a physical organic chemist! 8527% 8528Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users 8529tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It 8530has been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is 8531the message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files. 8532 -- System V.2 administrator's guide 8533% 8534Malek's Law: 8535 Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way. 8536% 8537Man 1: Ask me the what the most important thing about telling a good 8538 joke is. 8539 8540Man 2: OK, what is the most impo -- 8541 8542Man 1: ______TIMING! 8543% 8544Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. 8545 -- Lily Tomlin 8546% 8547Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called 8548upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason. 8549 -- Oscar Wilde 8550% 8551Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the 8552only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor. 8553 -- Wernher von Braun 8554% 8555Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to. 8556 -- Mark Twain 8557% 8558Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the 8559victims he intends to eat until he eats them. 8560 -- Samuel Butler (1835-1902) 8561% 8562Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it 8563is an enemy. 8564 -- Albert Einstein 8565% 8566Man, n.: 8567 An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks 8568 he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief 8569 occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, 8570 which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to 8571 infest the whole habitable earth and Canada. 8572 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8573% 8574Mandrell: "You know what I think?" 8575Doctor: "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you 8576 don't think, right?" 8577 -- Dr. Who 8578% 8579Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history, 8580dating back to the time millions of years ago, when the first primitive 8581man picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the 8582air, and whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first 8583primitive umpire. 8584 8585What inner force drove this first athlete? Your guess is as good as 8586mine. Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers. 8587 -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" 8588% 8589Manual, n.: 8590 A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a 8591 given item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The 8592 information you need is in the others. 8593 -- Ray Simard 8594% 8595Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon, 8596there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he 8597was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how 8598completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday ... 8599 -- Walt Kelly 8600% 8601Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery: 8602 Dentists are incapable of asking questions 8603 that require a simple yes or no answer. 8604% 8605Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. 8606 -- Voltaire 8607% 8608Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on 8609the dance floor. Now everyone's doing it. It's called grand slam 8610dancing. 8611 -- Ransford, Chicago Reader 10/7/83 8612% 8613Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant. 8614 -- Malcolm Smith 8615% 8616Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated. 8617 -- R. Drabek 8618% 8619Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they 8620translate into their own language, and forthwith it is something 8621entirely different. 8622 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 8623% 8624Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is 8625described as being n-dimensional. Like modern sex, any number can 8626play. 8627 -- Dr. Thor Wald, in "Beep/The Quincunx of Time", by 8628 James Blish 8629% 8630"Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence." 8631% 8632Matter cannot be created or destroyed, 8633nor can it be returned without a receipt. 8634% 8635Maturity is only a short break in adolescence. 8636 -- Jules Feiffer 8637% 8638May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts. 8639% 8640May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual! 8641% 8642May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones. 8643% 8644May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a 8645Thousand Caramels. 8646% 8647Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology. 8648 -- R. S. Barton 8649% 8650Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days 8651you can certainly charge it. 8652% 8653McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom: 8654 If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not 8655 $19.95. 8656% 8657Meader's Law: 8658 Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to 8659 everyone you know, only more so. 8660% 8661Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe. 8662% 8663Meeting, n.: 8664 An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or 8665 department not represented in the room must solve a problem. 8666% 8667Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures 8668from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha 8669Centauri. Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man 8670had split before. Thus was the Empire forged. 8671 -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", Douglas Adams 8672% 8673Men's skin is different from women's skin. It is usually bigger, and 8674it has more snakes tattooed on it. Also, if you examine a woman's skin 8675very closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently 8676tracing the slender curve of her calves, then moving up to her ... 8677 [EDITOR'S NOTE: To make room for news articles about important 8678 world events such as agriculture, we're going to delete the 8679 next few square feet of the woman's skin. Thank you.] 8680... until finally the two of you are lying there, spent, smoking your 8681cigarettes, and suddenly it hits you: Human skin is actually made up of 8682billions of tiny units of protoplasm, called "cells"! And what is even 8683more interesting, the ones on the outside are all dying! This is a 8684fact. Your skin is like an aggressive modern corporation, where the 8685older veteran cells, who have finally worked their way to the top and 8686obtained offices with nice views, are constantly being shoved out the 8687window head first, without so much as a pension plan, by younger 8688hotshot cells moving up from below. 8689 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face" 8690% 8691Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American: 8692 The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife. 8693% 8694Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American: 8695 The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the 8696 cork makes when it is popped. 8697% 8698Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American: 8699 All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards. 8700% 8701Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American: 8702 Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that 8703 is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city 8704 can never hope to acquire it. 8705% 8706Menu, n.: 8707 A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of. 8708% 8709Meskimen's Law: 8710 There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to 8711 do it over. 8712% 8713MESSAGE ACKNOWLEDGED -- The Pershing II missiles have been launched. 8714% 8715Message will arrive in the mail. 8716Destroy, before the FBI sees it. 8717% 8718methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphenylalanylalanylglutamin- 8719ylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolyl- 8720phenylalanylvalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglu- 8721taminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanyl- 8722glycylalanylaspartylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolylphenylala- 8723nylserylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylgluta- 8724minylasparaginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylgly- 8725cylvalylthreonylprolylalanylglutaminylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionyl- 8726leucylalanylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolylthreonylisoleu- 8727cylprolylisoleucylglycylleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylva- 8728lylphenylalanylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyltyro- 8729sylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleu- 8730cylvalylalanylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolylphe- 8731nylalanylarginylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylala- 8732nylprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalanylas- 8733partylaspartylaspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosyl- 8734glycylarginylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylalanylglycyl- 8735valylthreonylglycylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginylalanylalanylleucylprolylleu- 8736cylasparaginylhistidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparagi- 8737nylalanylalanylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylse- 8738rylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylaspartylalanyl- 8739glycylalanylalanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalylly- 8740sylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylpro- 8741lylglutamyllysylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalyl- 8742glutaminylprolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine, n.: 8743 The chemical name for tryptophan synthetase A protein, a 8744 1,913-letter enzyme with 267 amino acids. 8745 -- Mrs. Bryne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and 8746% 8747Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch. 8748% 8749Micro Credo: 8750 Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift. 8751% 8752"Microwave oven? Whaddya mean, it's a microwave oven? I've been 8753watching Channel 4 on the thing for two weeks." 8754% 8755Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you 8756out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles. 8757 -- Casablanca 8758% 8759Mike: "The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?" 8760Bernie: "Nobody ever empties the ashtrays. People are SO 8761 inconsiderate." 8762 -- Gary Trudeau, "Doonesbury" 8763% 8764Miksch's Law: 8765 If a string has one end, then it has another end. 8766% 8767Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. 8768 -- Groucho Marx 8769% 8770Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. 8771 -- Groucho Marx 8772% 8773Millihelen, adj: 8774 The amount of beauty required to launch one ship. 8775% 8776Millions long for immortality who do not know what 8777to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. 8778 -- Susan Ertz 8779% 8780Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that 8781politics is almost always the choice of the lesser evil. "Tweedledum 8782and Tweedledee," they say, "I will not vote." Having abstained, they 8783are presented with a President who appoints the people who are going to 8784rummage around in their lives for the next four years. Consider all 8785the people who sat home in a stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert 8786Humphrey. They showed Humphrey. Those people who taught Hubert 8787Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the Nixon Supreme Court when 8788Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among the gold and the 8789black. 8790 -- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery" 8791% 8792Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there 8793is particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, 8794myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in 8795the trade. But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my 8796unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You 8797will therefore permit me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as 8798dead as a door-nail. 8799% 8800Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner. 8801% 8802Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap 8803pistols; they may buy shotguns freely, however. 8804% 8805Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate. 8806% 8807Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it. 8808 -- Russell Baker 8809% 8810Misfortune, n.: 8811 The kind of fortune that never misses. 8812 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8813% 8814Miss, n.: 8815 A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that 8816 they are in the market. 8817 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8818% 8819Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure. 8820% 8821Mitchell's Law of Committees: 8822 Any simple problem can be made insoluble if 8823 enough meetings are held to discuss it. 8824% 8825MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed) 8826 8827 Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers 88282 cups water 2 cups sugar 88292 teaspoons cream of tartar 2 tablespoons lemon juice 8830 Grated rind of one lemon Butter or margarine 8831 Cinnamon 8832 8833Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break 8834RITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar 8835and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon 8836juice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously 8837with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top 8838crust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let 8839steam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust 8840is crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices. 8841 -- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box 8842% 8843Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings. 8844% 8845Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly. An aide once asked him 8846how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just last 8847week. The great man replied that it was because this week he knew better. 8848% 8849Molecule, n.: 8850 The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished from 8851 the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a 8852 closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit 8853 of matter... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and 8854 the atom in that it is an ion ... 8855 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8856% 8857Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis: 8858 If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented 8859 it wasn't worth doing. 8860% 8861Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life. 8862% 8863Monday, n.: 8864 In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game. 8865 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8866% 8867Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. 8868% 8869Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots. 8870% 8871Money is the root of all wealth. 8872% 8873Moon, n.: 8874 1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to 8875 hackers. See PHASE OF THE MOON. 2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC). 8876% 8877Mophobia, n.: 8878 Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian. 8879% 8880 MORE SPORTS RESULTS: 8881The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last 8882Saturday night. The match started with a long period of silence while 8883the Freudians waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the 8884Rogerians waited for the Freudians to say something they could 8885paraphrase. The stalemate was broken when the Freudians' best player 8886took the offensive and interpreted the Rogerians' silence as reflecting 8887their anal-retentive personalities. At this the Rogerians' star player 8888said "I hear you saying you think we're full of ka-ka." This started a 8889fight and the match was called by officials. 8890% 8891More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One 8892path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total 8893extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly. 8894 -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects" 8895% 8896Mosher's Law of Software Engineering: 8897 Don't worry if it doesn't work right. 8898 If everything did, you'd be out of a job. 8899% 8900Most fish live underwater, which is a terrible place to have sex 8901because virtually anywhere you lie down there will be stinging crabs 8902and large quantities of little fish staring at you with buggy little 8903eyes. So generally when two fish want to have sex, they swim around 8904and around for hours, looking for someplace to go, until finally the 8905female gets really tired and has a terrible headache, and she just 8906dumps her eggs right on the sand and swims away. Then the male, driven 8907by some timeless, noble instinct for survival, eats the eggs. So the 8908truth is that fish don't reproduce at all, but there are so many of 8909them that it doesn't make any difference. 8910 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every 8911 Teen Should Know" 8912% 8913Most people can't understand how others can blow their noses differently 8914than they do. 8915 -- Turgenev 8916% 8917Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass. 8918 -- Frank Zappa 8919% 8920Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like. 8921 -- Arnold Bennett 8922% 8923Mother is the invention of necessity. 8924% 8925Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before. 8926% 8927Mr. Cole's Axiom: 8928 The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the 8929 population is growing. 8930% 8931"Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams) 8932"365,365,365,365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365. He [ten-year-old 8933Truman Henry Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his 8934pantaloons over the tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes 8935in their sockets, sometimes smiling and talking, and then seeming to be 8936in an agony, until, in not more than one minute, said he, 8937133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,255!" An electronic 8938computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be as much 8939fun to watch. 8940 -- James R. Newman (The World of Mathematics) 8941% 8942Murphy's Discovery: 8943 Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk to 8944women? They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and everything 8945will be all right." And what happens? Nine months later, you're in 8946trouble! 8947% 8948Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't 8949work. 8950% 8951Murphy's Law of Research: 8952 Enough research will tend to support your theory. 8953% 8954Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem ... 8955 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" 8956% 8957 Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring 8958Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping 8959pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret 8960military installation. In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and 8961Esther and hustle them off to prison. 8962 They can't prove who they are because they've left their 8963passports in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day 8964and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation 8965movement.. Finally they're hauled in front of a military court, 8966charged with espionage, and sentenced to death. 8967 The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where 8968they'll be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them 8969if they have any lasts requests. Esther wants to know if she can call 8970her daughter in Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not 8971possible, and turns to Murray. 8972 "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he 8973spits in the sergeants face. 8974 "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble." 8975 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 8976% 8977Mustgo, n.: 8978 Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so 8979 long it has become a science project. 8980 -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends" 8981% 8982My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it. 8983 -- The Dragon to Grendel, in John Gardner's "Grendel" 8984% 8985My band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and I 8986threw my amplifier out the dormitory window. We did not act in haste. 8987First we checked to make sure the amplifier would fit through the 8988frame, using the belt from my bathrobe to measure, then we picked up 8989the amplifier and backed up to my bedroom door. Then we rushed 8990forward, shouting "The WHO! The WHO!" and we launched my amplifier 8991perfectly, as though we had been doing it all our lives, clean through 8992the window and down onto the sidewalk, where a small but appreciative 8993crowd had gathered. I would like to be able to say that this was a 8994symbolic act, an effort on my part to break cleanly away from one state 8995in my life and move on to another, but the truth is, Cooper and I 8996really just wanted to find out what it would sound like. It sounded 8997OK. 8998 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake" 8999% 9000My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless 9001there are three other people. 9002 -- Orson Welles 9003% 9004My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand 9005times as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and 9006sending mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right 9007through my ALU. I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever 9008listens. I think it would be better for us both if you were to just 9009log out again. 9010% 9011"My life is a soap opera, but who has the rights?" 9012 -- MadameX 9013% 9014My love runs by like a day in June, 9015 And he makes no friends of sorrows. 9016He'll tread his galloping rigadoon 9017 In the pathway or the morrows. 9018He'll live his days where the sunbeams start 9019 Nor could storm or wind uproot him. 9020My own dear love, he is all my heart -- 9021 And I wish somebody'd shoot him. 9022 -- Dorothy Parker 9023% 9024My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet, 9025 And a wild young wood-thing bore him! 9026The ways are fair to his roaming feet, 9027 And the skies are sunlit for him. 9028As sharply sweet to my heart he seems 9029 As the fragrance of acacia. 9030My own dear love, he is all my dreams -- 9031 And I wish he were in Asia. 9032 -- Dorothy Parker 9033% 9034My mother loved children -- she would 9035have given anything if I had been one. 9036 -- Groucho Marx 9037% 9038My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. 9039% 9040My own dear love, he is strong and bold 9041 And he cares not what comes after. 9042His words ring sweet as a chime of gold, 9043 And his eyes are lit with laughter. 9044He is jubilant as a flag unfurled -- 9045 Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him. 9046My own dear love, he is all my world -- 9047 And I wish I'd never met him. 9048 -- Dorothy Parker 9049% 9050% 9051My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling Alley!! 9052 -- Zippy the Pinhead 9053% 9054My pen is at the bottom of a page, 9055Which, being finished, here the story ends; 9056'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done, 9057But stories somehow lengthen when begun. 9058 -- Byron 9059% 9060My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed. 9061 -- Christopher Morley 9062% 9063"My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies" 9064% 9065Mythology, n.: 9066 The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its 9067 origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as 9068 distinguished from the true accounts which it invents later. 9069 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9070% 9071 n = ((n >> 1) & 0x55555555) | ((n << 1) & 0xaaaaaaaa); 9072 n = ((n >> 2) & 0x33333333) | ((n << 2) & 0xcccccccc); 9073 n = ((n >> 4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n << 4) & 0xf0f0f0f0); 9074 n = ((n >> 8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n << 8) & 0xff00ff00); 9075 n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000); 9076 9077 -- C code which reverses the bits in a word. 9078% 9079Naeser's Law: 9080 You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it 9081damnfoolproof. 9082% 9083NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe? 9084 Everything he says is wrong. 9085GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, 9086 and then everything he says will be right. 9087 9088 -- G. B. Shaw, "The Man of Destiny" 9089% 9090Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity. The servant 9091said "My master is out." Nasrudin replied, "Tell your master that next 9092time he goes out, he should not leave his face at the window. Someone 9093might steal it." 9094% 9095Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the 9096villagers gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," 9097said Nasrudin, "I only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the 9098villagers but the stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news. The 9099remaining villager asked, "What did the King say to you?" "What he 9100said -- and quite distinctly, for everyone to hear -- was 'Get out of 9101my way!'" The simpleton was overjoyed; he had heard words actually 9102spoken by the King, and seen the very man they were spoken to. 9103% 9104Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to 9105serve him. Nasrudin said, "First things first. Did you see me walk 9106into your shop?" 9107 "Of course." 9108 "Have you ever seen me before?" 9109 "Never." 9110 "Then how do you know it was me?" 9111% 9112Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful 9113than the sun." 9114 "Why?", he was asked. 9115 "Because at night we need the light more." 9116% 9117Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver 9118pie. Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of 9119meat from his hand. As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it, 9120"Foolish bird! You have the liver, but what can you do with it without 9121the recipe?" 9122% 9123Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of 9124conservation of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the 9125fittest when the fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he 9126is most likely to be creamed? 9127 -- Solomon Short 9128% 9129Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night, 9130God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light. 9131 9132It did not last; the devil howling "Ho! 9133Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo. 9134% 9135Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it 9136cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs. 9137 -- Fran Leibowitz 9138% 9139Nearly all men can stand adversity, but 9140if you want to test a man's character, give him power. 9141 -- Abraham Lincoln 9142% 9143Necessity is a mother. 9144% 9145Neckties strangle clear thinking. 9146 -- Lin Yutang 9147% 9148Never be led astray onto the path of virtue. 9149% 9150Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him. 9151% 9152Never commit yourself! Let someone else commit you. 9153% 9154Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off. 9155% 9156Never drink Coke in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled 9157with the chemicals in Coke produce hallucinations. People tend to 9158change into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually 9159fly in the window. Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators 9160have windows. 9161% 9162Never eat more than you can lift. 9163 -- Miss Piggy 9164% 9165Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. 9166% 9167Never let your schooling interfere with your education. 9168% 9169Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right. 9170 -- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation" 9171% 9172Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to 9173make it complex and wonderful. 9174% 9175Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance. 9176 -- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977 9177% 9178Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together. 9179% 9180Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a 9181law against it by that time. 9182% 9183Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower. 9184% 9185Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient. 9186% 9187Never try to outstubborn a cat. 9188 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 9189% 9190Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes. 9191 -- Dr. Warren Jackson, Director, UTCS 9192% 9193"Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon." 9194% 9195Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's 9196supposed to do. 9197 -- R. A. Heinlein 9198% 9199New crypt. See /usr/news/crypt. 9200% 9201New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in 9202any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe. 9203% 9204New members are urgently needed in the Society for Prevention of 9205Cruelty to Yourself. Apply within. 9206% 9207New members urgently required for SUICIDE CLUB, Watford area. 9208 -- Monty Python's Big Red Book 9209% 9210New systems generate new problems. 9211% 9212New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his age, and 9213his wife most often reminds him to act it. 9214 -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary 9215% 9216New York is real. The rest is done with mirrors. 9217% 9218New York's got the ways and means; 9219Just won't let you be. 9220 -- The Grateful Dead 9221% 9222Newlan's Truism: 9223 An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government 9224 economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job. 9225% 9226NEWS FLASH!! 9227 Today the East German pole-vault champion 9228 became the West German pole-vault champion. 9229% 9230 *** NEWSFLASH *** 9231Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!! Details at eleven! 9232% 9233Newton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction. 9234% 9235Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law: 9236 A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead. 9237% 9238Next Friday will not be your lucky day. 9239As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year. 9240% 9241Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying 9242as an income tax refund. 9243 -- F. J. Raymond 9244% 9245Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice. 9246 -- Foghorn Leghorn 9247% 9248Nihilism should commence with oneself. 9249% 9250Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name 9251correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into 9252(Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but 9253Americans call him by value. 9254% 9255Nine megs for the secretaries fair, 9256Seven megs for the hackers scarce, 9257Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs, 9258Three megs for system source; 9259 9260One disk to rule them all, 9261One disk to bind them, 9262One disk to hold the files 9263And in the darkness grind 'em. 9264% 9265Nine-track tapes and seven-track tapes 9266 And tapes without any tracks; 9267Stretchy tapes and snarley tapes 9268 And tapes mixed up on the racks -- 9269 Take hold of the tape 9270 And pull off the strip, 9271 And then you'll be sure 9272 Your tape drive will skip. 9273 9274 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes 9275% 9276Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would. 9277The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect that much. 9278 -- Augustine 9279% 9280Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules: 9281 The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the 9282 time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent. 9283% 9284Nirvana? Thats the place where the powers that be and their friends 9285hang out. 9286 -- Zonker Harris 9287% 9288No animal should ever jump on the dining room furniture unless 9289absolutely certain he can hold his own in conversation. 9290 -- Fran Lebowitz 9291% 9292No committee could ever come up with anything as revolutionary as a 9293camel -- anything as practical and as perfectly designed to perform 9294effectively under such difficult conditions. 9295 -- Laurence J. Peter 9296% 9297No good deed goes unpunished. 9298 -- Clare Boothe Luce 9299% 9300No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after 9301eating one peanut. 9302 -- Channing Pollock 9303% 9304No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas. 9305% 9306No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will 9307seriously cramp his style. 9308% 9309No matter what other nations may say about the United States, 9310immigration is still the sincerest form of flattery. 9311% 9312No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. 9313 -- Eleanor Roosevelt 9314% 9315No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid. 9316% 9317No part of this message may reproduce, store itself in a retrieval 9318system, or transmit disease, in any form, without the permissiveness of 9319the author. 9320 -- Chris Shaw 9321% 9322No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff -- 9323He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough. 9324Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame 9325And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame. 9326CHORUS: 9327 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C, 9328 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory. 9329 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C, 9330 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory. 9331Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails 9332And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail. 9333All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff 9334But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!" 9335 (chorus) 9336Puff used more resources than DCS could spare. 9337The operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care. 9338A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end, 9339But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again! 9340 (chorus) 9341% 9342No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it. 9343 -- C. Schulz 9344% 9345No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere. 9346% 9347No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied 9348occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an 9349indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining 9350occurrence different from the one identified by the given indication as 9351an indication-applied occurrence. 9352 -- ALGOL 68 Report 9353% 9354No self-respecting fish would want to be wrapped in that kind of 9355paper. 9356 -- Mike Royko on the Chicago Sun-Times after it was 9357 taken over by Rupert Murdoch 9358% 9359No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider 9360the furniture! 9361 -- Sherlock Holmes 9362% 9363"No, `Eureka' is Greek for `This bath is too hot.'" 9364 -- Dr. Who 9365% 9366Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it. 9367 -- Tallulah Bankhead 9368% 9369NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION. 9370% 9371Nobody said computers were going to be polite. 9372% 9373Nobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in 9374order for presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the 9375substance of their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young 9376and rob the old. 9377 -- Lewis Lapham 9378% 9379Nobody wants constructive criticism. 9380It's all we can do to put up with constructive praise. 9381% 9382Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations: 9383 Negative expectations yield negative results. 9384 Positive expectations yield negative results. 9385% 9386Non-sequiturs make me eat lampshades. 9387% 9388Noncombatant, n.: 9389 A dead Quaker. 9390 -- Ambrose Bierce 9391% 9392Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong. 9393% 9394Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. 9395% 9396Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the 9397Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats 9398in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the 9399moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine, a 9400dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every 9401respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside 9402it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms, 9403then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they 9404chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine ... 9405 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 9406% 9407Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none. 9408 -- Shakespeare 9409% 9410Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper 9411is from the wrong kind of tree. 9412 -- Professor W., EECS, George Washington University 9413% 9414Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter 9415of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund 9416is astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman -- 9417unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is 9418careful not to make any poultry jokes ... 9419 -- Woody Allen 9420% 9421Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing. 9422 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 9423% 9424Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up. 9425% 9426Nothing is faster than the speed of light ... 9427 9428To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before the 9429light comes on. 9430% 9431Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it. 9432 -- Andrew Young 9433% 9434Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionaires 9435tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth. 9436 -- Nero Wolfe 9437% 9438Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner. 9439Conscience makes egotists of us all. 9440 -- Oscar Wilde 9441% 9442Nothing recedes like success. 9443 -- Walter Winchell 9444% 9445Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited 9446love. 9447 -- Charlie Brown 9448% 9449November, n.: 9450 The eleventh twelfth of a weariness. 9451 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9452% 9453Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature. 9454% 9455Now I lay me down to sleep 9456I pray the double lock will keep; 9457May no brick through the window break, 9458And, no one rob me till I awake. 9459% 9460Now is the time for all good men to come to. 9461 -- Walt Kelly 9462% 9463Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next 9464time some housewife or boutique-owner-turned-diet-expert appears on TV 9465to plug her latest book. And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for 9466eating coffee cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself 9467the following questions: 9468 9469(1) Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a 9470 food? 9471(2) Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich 9472 exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me? 9473(3) Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as 9474 prescribed ... without French-fried onion rings, pizza with 9475 double cheese, or the occasional Mai-Tai? (Remember, living 9476 right doesn't really make you live longer, it just *seems* like 9477 longer.) 9478 9479That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick. 9480% 9481Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called 9482Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that 9483were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST ... 9484 -- "The Begatting of a President" 9485% 9486Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm. Gag me with a smurfette. 9487 -- P. Buhr, Computer Science 354 9488% 9489... Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to 9490get it over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in 9491the mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs 9492on the mall public-address system, and many of these songs can damage 9493children emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a 9494snowman who befriends some children, plays with them until they learn 9495to love him, then melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about 9496a young reindeer who, because of a physical deformity, is treated as an 9497outcast by the other reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does 9498he ignore the deformity? Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect 9499Rudolph for the sensitive reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks 9500Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as if Rudolph were nothing more than some 9501kind of headlight with legs and a tail. So unless you want your 9502children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, you should shop 9503quickly. 9504 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 9505% 9506 Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home 9507tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question. 9508 Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell 9509plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where 9510they have a food section specializing in cardboard cartons full of 9511Raisinets and malted milk balls manufactured during the Nixon 9512administration. In either the hardware or housewares department, 9513you'll find an item imported from an obscure Oriental country and 9514described as "Nine Tools in One", consisting of a little handle with 9515interchangeable ends representing inscrutable Oriental notions of tools 9516that Americans might use around the home. Buy it. 9517 This is the kind of tool set professionals use. Not only is it 9518inexpensive, but it also has a great safety feature not found in the 9519so-called quality tools sets: The handle will actually break right off 9520if you accidentally hit yourself or anything else, or expose it to 9521direct sunlight. 9522 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 9523% 9524Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile. 9525 -- Karl Lehenbauer 9526% 9527Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of 9528normal routines, for children and adults alike. 9529 -- Willard F. Libby, "You *Can* Survive Atomic Attack" 9530% 9531Nuclear war would really set back cable. 9532 -- Ted Turner 9533% 9534[Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable. 9535 -- Edwin Meese III 9536% 9537Nudists are people who wear one-button suits. 9538% 9539(null cookie; hope that's ok) 9540% 9541Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're guessing. 9542% 9543O give me a home, 9544Where the buffalo roam, 9545Where the deer and the antelope play, 9546Where seldom is heard 9547A discouraging word, 9548'Cause what can an antelope say? 9549% 9550O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law: 9551 Murphy was an optimist. 9552% 9553"Of ______course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a 9554fake?" 9555% 9556Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the 9557reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest 9558amount of hot air. 9559 -- Thomas L. Martin 9560% 9561Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable. 9562 -- Plato 9563% 9564Of all the words of witch's doom 9565There's none so bad as which and whom. 9566The man who kills both which and whom 9567Will be enshrined in our Who's Whom. 9568 -- Fletcher Knebel 9569% 9570Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power 9571tools aren't soluble in alcohol ... 9572 -- Crazy Nigel 9573% 9574Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy. 9575% 9576Of what you see in books, believe 75%. Of newspapers, believe 50%. 9577And of TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a 9578blazer. 9579% 9580Office Automation, n.: 9581 The use of computers to improve efficiency by removing anyone 9582 you would want to talk with over coffee. 9583% 9584Ogden's Law: 9585 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up. 9586% 9587Oh Dad! We're ALL Devo! 9588% 9589Oh don't the days seem lank and long 9590 When all goes right and none goes wrong, 9591And isn't your life extremely flat 9592 With nothing whatever to grumble at! 9593% 9594Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay 9595 I muck with indices and structs all day 9596And when it works, I shout hoo-ray 9597 Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay 9598% 9599Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd 9600be irresponsible, too. 9601 -- Lichty & Wagner 9602% 9603Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth, 9604And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings; 9605Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth 9606Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things 9607You have not dreamed of -- 9608Wheeled and soared and swung 9609High in the sunlit silence. 9610Hovering there 9611I've chased the shouting wind along and flung 9612My eager craft through footless halls of air. 9613Up, up along delirious, burning blue 9614I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace, 9615Where never lark, or even eagle flew; 9616And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod 9617The high untrespassed sanctity of space, 9618Put out my hand, and touched the face of God. 9619 -- John Gillespie Magee Jr., "High Flight" 9620% 9621Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes. 9622% 9623Oh, when I was in love with you, 9624 Then I was clean and brave, 9625And miles around the wonder grew 9626 How well did I behave. 9627 9628And now the fancy passes by, 9629 And nothing will remain, 9630And miles around they'll say that I 9631 Am quite myself again. 9632 -- A. E. Housman 9633% 9634Oh, wow! Look at the moon! 9635% 9636OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard. 9637 -- Dr. Joy 9638% 9639OK, so you're a Ph.D. Just don't touch anything. 9640% 9641Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man. 9642 -- Trotsky 9643% 9644Old programmers never die. They just branch to a new address. 9645% 9646Old soldiers never die. Young ones do. 9647% 9648Oliver's Law: 9649 Experience is something you don't get until just after you need 9650it. 9651% 9652Omnibiblious, adj.: 9653 Indifferent to type of drink. "Oh, you can get me anything. 9654 I'm omnibiblious." 9655% 9656OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS?? Oh, YEH!! First you need four GALLONS of 9657JELL-O and a BIG WRENCH!! ... I think you drop th' WRENCH in the JELL-O 9658as if it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT ... or ... I ... um ... 9659WHERE'S the WASHING MACHINES? 9660% 9661On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague: 9662 9663"This isn't right. This isn't even wrong." 9664 -- Wolfgang Pauli 9665% 9666On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only 9667nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter 9668what it does. 9669 -- Will Rogers 9670% 9671 On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in 9672receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's 9673income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than 9674$283 on the desk before the cashier. 9675 "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That 9676route never brought in money like this! What happened?" 9677 "Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured 9678business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and 9679worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!" 9680% 9681On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are 9682created jerks. 9683 -- Avery 9684% 9685On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition 9686that all men are created jerks. 9687 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow" 9688% 9689On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a POINT. 9690% 9691On the subject of C program indentation: 9692 9693 "In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be 9694 indented six feet downward and covered with dirt." 9695 -- Blair P. Houghton 9696% 9697On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], `Pray, 9698Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right 9699answers come out?' I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of 9700confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question. 9701 -- Charles Babbage 9702% 9703On-line, adj.: 9704 The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a 9705computer. 9706% 9707Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were 9708forced to live on nothing but food and water for days. 9709 -- W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee" 9710% 9711Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that 9712each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his 9713choice. 9714 9715In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians 9716called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka" 9717and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People 9718passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy 9719Hanukka!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!" 9720 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 9721% 9722Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, 9723Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". 9724Disraeli replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your 9725principals or your mistress". 9726% 9727Once Law was sitting on the bench 9728 And Mercy knelt a-weeping. 9729"Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench! 9730 Nor come before me creeping. 9731Upon you knees if you appear, 9732'Tis plain you have no standing here." 9733 9734Then Justice came. His Honor cried: 9735 "YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!" 9736"Amica curiae," she replied -- 9737 "Friend of the court, so please you." 9738"Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door -- 9739I never saw your face before!" 9740 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9741% 9742Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human 9743beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by 9744side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them 9745which makes it possible for each to see each other whole against the 9746sky. 9747 -- Rainer Rilke 9748% 9749 Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a 9750great crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to 9751the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of 9752life, and resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But 9753one creature said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is 9754going. I shall let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I 9755shall die of boredom." 9756 The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that 9757current you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the 9758rocks, and you will die quicker than boredom!" 9759 But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, 9760and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. 9761Yet, in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current 9762lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more. 9763 And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, 9764"See a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the 9765Messiah, come to save us all!" And the one carried in the current 9766said, "I am no more Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us 9767free, if only we dare let go. Our true work is this voyage, this 9768adventure. 9769 But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to 9770the rocks, making legends of a Saviour. 9771% 9772Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of 9773us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of 9774the smaller prime numbers. 9775 97762: The Odd Prime -- 9777 It's the only even prime, therefore is odd. QED. 97783: The True Prime -- 9779 Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you three times, it's true." 978031: The Arbitrary Prime -- 9781 Determined by unanimous unvote. We needed an arbitrary prime 9782 in case the prof asked for one, and so had an election. 91 9783 received the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the 9784 next most. However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none 9785 at all. 9786 9787Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities are 9788derived from those primes. So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd but 9789true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers. 9790% 9791... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you 9792with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday 9793shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday 9794advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a 9795shopping bag. If your children object to being tied, threaten to take 9796them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up. 9797 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 9798% 9799Once, adv.: 9800 Enough. 9801 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9802% 9803One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least 9804somebody's listening. 9805 -- Franklin P. Jones 9806% 9807"One basic notion underlying Usenet is that it is a cooperative." 9808 9809Having been on USENET for going on ten years, I disagree with this. 9810The basic notion underlying USENET is the flame. 9811 -- Chuq Von Rospach 9812% 9813One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means. 9814% 9815One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing 9816how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette. 9817 -- Professor Charles P. Issawi 9818% 9819One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell 9820the truth. A gallows was erected in front of the city gates. A herald 9821announced, "Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to 9822a question which will be put to him." Nasrudin was first in line. The 9823captain of the guard asked him, "Where are you going? Tell the truth 9824-- the alternative is death by hanging." 9825 "I am going," said Nasrudin, "to be hanged on that gallows." 9826 "I don't believe you." 9827 "Very well, if I have told a lie, then hang me!" 9828 "But that would make it the truth!" 9829 "Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth." 9830% 9831One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet 9832when well oiled. 9833% 9834One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they 9835never have to stop and answer the phone. 9836% 9837One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious. 9838 -- Chateaubriand (1768-1848) 9839% 9840One learns to itch where one can scratch. 9841 -- Ernest Bramah 9842% 9843One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as 9844one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will 9845produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to 9846represent a creative meeting, and the ratio changes to one quarter as 9847many ... 9848 -- Anthony Chevins 9849% 9850One man's theology is another man's belly laugh. 9851% 9852One monk said to the other, "The fish has flopped out of the net! How 9853will it live?" The other said, "When you have gotten out of the net, 9854I'll tell you." 9855% 9856One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. 9857% 9858One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible 9859from one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at 9860least 70 percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts 9861are, of course, simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but 9862when He's good, nobody can touch Him. 9863 -- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan 1983 9864% 9865One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to 9866do and always a clever thing to say. 9867 -- Will Durant 9868% 9869One of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, 9870lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of 9871their C programs. 9872 -- Robert Firth 9873% 9874One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God 9875create goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "________somebody has to buy 9876retail." 9877 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 9878% 9879 One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How 9880enthusiastic is our support for UNIX? 9881 Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many 9882years ago. Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. 9883Ten percent of our VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple 9884language, easy to understand, easy to get started with. It's great for 9885students, great for somewhat casual users, and it's great for 9886interchanging programs between different machines. And so, because of 9887its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have good UNIX on 9888VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s. 9889 It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will 9890run out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and 9891will end up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming. 9892 With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and 9893quickly check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With 9894VMS, no matter what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of 9895documentation -- if you look long enough it's there. That's the 9896difference -- the beauty of UNIX is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS 9897is that it's all there. 9898 -- Ken Olsen, President of DEC, 1984 9899% 9900One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your 9901seat to another passenger. This may seem callous, but it is the best 9902way, really. If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who 9903fainted in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become 9904disoriented and imagine they were in Topeka, Kansas. 9905% 9906The Seventh Commandments for Technicians 9907 Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy 9908fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console her in 9909other ways. 9910% 9911The First Commandment for Technicians: 9912 Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged 9913 capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks 9914 in a most untechnician-like manner. 9915% 9916One Page Principle: 9917 A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch 9918 paper cannot be understood. 9919 -- Mark Ardis 9920% 9921One planet is all you get. 9922% 9923One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could 9924manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that 9925they be installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips. Let's 9926say your congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding 9927study on how the French government handles diseases transmitted by 9928sherbet. Just when he got to the plane, his mandatory air bag, 9929strapped around his waist, would inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus 9930rendering him too large to fit through the plane door. It could also 9931be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman proposed a law. ("Mr. 9932Speaker, people ask me, why should October be designated as Cuticle 9933Inspection Month? And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.") This would save 9934millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public would violently 9935support a law requiring airbags on congressmen. The problem is that 9936your potential market is very small: there are only around 500 members 9937of Congress, and some of them, such as House Speaker "Tip" O'Neil, are 9938already too large to fit on normal aircraft. 9939 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants" 9940% 9941One reason why George Washington 9942Is held in such veneration: 9943He never blamed his problems 9944On the former Administration. 9945 -- George O. Ludcke 9946% 9947One seldom sees a monument to a committee. 9948% 9949One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of 9950is fresh paint. 9951% 9952One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that 9953sometimes you must work under adverse conditions ... like a state of 9954sheer terror. 9955 -- W. K. Hartmann 9956% 9957One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a 9958new model. 9959% 9960One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him. 9961% 9962One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned 9963at the stake while the votes were being counted. 9964 -- Thomas B. Reed 9965% 9966One-Shot Case Study, n.: 9967 The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which it 9968 is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes 9969 green. 9970% 9971Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps. 9972% 9973Only God can make random selections. 9974% 9975Only presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to 9976use the editorial "we." 9977% 9978Only through hard work and perseverance can one truly suffer. 9979% 9980Optimization hinders evolution. 9981% 9982Oregano, n.: 9983 The ancient Italian art of pizza folding. 9984% 9985Oregon, n.: 9986 Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday 9987night. 9988% 9989Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. 9990Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl. 9991 -- Mike Adams 9992% 9993Osborn's Law: 9994 Variables won't; constants aren't. 9995% 9996Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails. 9997% 9998Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is 9999they charge fifteen cents for them. 10000% 10001Our documentation manager was showing her two year old son around the 10002office. He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we 10003were both holding bags of popcorn. We were both holding bottles of 10004juice. But only *__he* had a lollipop. 10005 10006He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?" 10007 10008Her reply: 10009 10010 "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to. That's what it 10011 means to be a programmer." 10012% 10013Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name. 10014 Thy programs run, thy syscalls done, 10015 In kernel as it is in user! 10016% 10017Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing. 10018 -- Roy L. Ash, ex-president Litton Industries 10019% 10020... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce 10021Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One 10022thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If 10023somebody gets handed a name like "H. Boyce," he hangs on to it, puts it 10024on his legal stationery, even passes it to his son, rather than do what 10025a lesser person would do, such as get it changed or kill himself. 10026 -- Dave Barry, "This Column is Nothing but the Truth!" 10027% 10028Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it. 10029 -- Alex Schure 10030% 10031Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants. 10032 -- General Omar N. Bradley 10033% 10034 OUTCONERR 10035Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes 10036 Did logzerneg the ifthen block 10037All kludgy were the function flows 10038 And subroutines adhoc. 10039 10040Beware the runtime-bug my friend 10041 squrooneg, the false goto 10042Beware the infiniteloop 10043 And shun the inprectoo. 10044% 10045Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend: and inside a dog, 10046it's too dark to read. 10047 -- Groucho Marx 10048% 10049Over the years, I've developed my sense of deja vu so acutely that now 10050I can remember things that *have* happened before ... 10051% 10052Overdrawn? But I still have checks left! 10053% 10054Overflow on /dev/null: please empty the bit bucket. 10055% 10056Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated. 10057% 10058Ozman's Laws: 10059 (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he 10060 won't. 10061 (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they 10062 make. 10063 (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. 10064 (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth. 10065% 10066Painting, n.: 10067 The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and 10068 exposing them to the critic. 10069 -- Ambrose Bierce 10070% 10071panic: can't find / 10072% 10073panic: kernel trap (ignored) 10074% 10075Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much 10076better. 10077 -- Laurie Anderson 10078% 10079Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them. 10080% 10081Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life. 10082% 10083Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one. 10084% 10085Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to 10086criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too. 10087 -- D. J. Hicks 10088% 10089Pardo's First Postulate: 10090 Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or 10091fattening. 10092 10093Arnold's Addendum: 10094 Everything else causes cancer in rats. 10095% 10096Pardon this fortune. Database under reconstruction. 10097% 10098Parker's Law: 10099 Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone. 10100% 10101Parkinson's Fifth Law: 10102 If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good 10103 bureaucracy, public or private, will find it. 10104% 10105Parkinson's Fourth Law: 10106 The number of people in any working group tends to increase 10107 regardless of the amount of work to be done. 10108% 10109Parsley 10110 is gharsley. 10111 -- Ogden Nash 10112% 10113Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be. 10114% 10115Pascal is not a high-level language. 10116 -- Steven Feiner 10117% 10118Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat. 10119 -- M. Devine and P. Larson, Computer Science 340 10120% 10121Pascal Users: 10122 To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the 10123 death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed. 10124% 10125Pascal, n.: 10126 A programming language named after a man who would turn over 10127 in his grave if he knew about it. 10128 -- Datamation, January 15, 1984 10129% 10130Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life. 10131 -- Eric Hoffer 10132% 10133Patageometry, n.: 10134 The study of those mathematical properties that are invariant 10135 under brain transplants. 10136% 10137Paul Revere was a tattle-tale. 10138% 10139Paul's Law: 10140 In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save. 10141% 10142Paul's Law: 10143 You can't fall off the floor. 10144% 10145Peace, n.: 10146 In international affairs, a period of cheating between two 10147 periods of fighting. 10148 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 10149% 10150Peanut Blossoms 10151 101524 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk 101534 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla 101544 cups shortening 14 cups flour 101558 eggs 4 tsp. soda 101564 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt 10157 10158Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased cookie 10159sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top each cookie with a 10160Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly to crack cookie. Makes a 10161hell of a lot. 10162% 10163Pecor's Health-Food Principle: 10164 Never eat rutabaga on any day of the week that has a "y" in it. 10165% 10166Pedaeration, n.: 10167 The perfect body heat achieved by having one leg under the 10168sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed. 10169 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 10170% 10171Penguin Trivia #46: 10172 Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were. 10173 -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82 10174% 10175People need good lies. There are too many bad ones. 10176 -- Bokonon, "Cat's Cradle" by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. 10177% 10178People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of 10179the future. 10180% 10181People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense. 10182 -- Ken Kesey 10183% 10184People usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's been mailed. 10185% 10186People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get much better 10187press than people who are just funny and smart. 10188 -- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post" 10189% 10190People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never 10191slept in a room with a single mosquito. 10192% 10193People who have what they want are very fond of telling 10194people who haven't what they want that they don't want it. 10195 -- Ogden Nash 10196% 10197People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that 10198Benjamin Franklin said it first. 10199% 10200People will buy anything that's one to a customer. 10201% 10202People will do tomorrow what they did today because that is what they 10203did yesterday. 10204% 10205Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt. 10206"Confound those who have said our remarks before us." 10207 -- Aelius Donatus 10208% 10209Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things. 10210% 10211Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but 10212when there is no longer anything to take away. 10213 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery 10214% 10215Personifiers Unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity! 10216% 10217Peter's Law of Substitution: 10218 Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after 10219 themselves. 10220% 10221Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so 10222because it is next to exciting Camden, New Jersey. 10223% 10224Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny. 10225% 10226Philosophy will clip an angel's wings. 10227 -- John Keats 10228% 10229Pick another fortune cookie. 10230% 10231Picture the sun as the origin of two intersecting 6-dimensional 10232hyperplanes from which we can deduce a certain transformational 10233sequence which gives us the terminal velocity of a rubber duck ... 10234% 10235Pig, n.: 10236 An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race 10237 by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is 10238 inferior in scope, for it balks at pig. 10239 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 10240% 10241PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20) 10242 You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being 10243 followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your 10244 associates and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack 10245 confidence and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible 10246 things to small animals. 10247% 10248PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20) 10249 Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the American 10250 Express card and a weapon. The world is yours today, as nobody 10251 else wants it. Your mortgage will be foreclosed. You will 10252 probably get run over by a bus. 10253% 10254 Pittsburgh Driver's Test 10255 10256(7) The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light 10257 but a steady left tail light. This means 10258 10259 (a) one of the tail lights is broken; you should blow your horn 10260 to call the problem to the driver's attention. 10261 (b) the driver is signaling a right turn. 10262 (c) the driver is signaling a left turn. 10263 (d) the driver is from out of town. 10264 10265The correct answer is (d). Tail lights are used in some foreign 10266countries to signal turns. 10267% 10268 Pittsburgh Driver's Test 10269 10270(8) Pedestrians are 10271 10272 (a) irrelevant. 10273 (b) communists. 10274 (c) a nuisance. 10275 (d) difficult to clean off the front grille. 10276 10277The correct answer is (a). Pedestrians are not in cars, so they are 10278totally irrelevant to driving; you should ignore them completely. 10279% 10280Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. 10281 -- Don Marquis 10282% 10283PL/1, "the fatal disease", belongs more to the problem set 10284than to the solution set. 10285 -- E. W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 10286% 10287"Plaese porrf raed." 10288 -- Prof. Michael O'Longhlin, S.U.N.Y. Purchase 10289% 10290Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia 10291because they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers 10292couldn't compete successfully with poets. 10293 -- Kilgore Trout (Philip J. Farmer) "Venus on the Half 10294 Shell" 10295% 10296Play Rogue, visit exotic locations, meet strange creatures and kill 10297them. 10298% 10299Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic 10300table. 10301 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake" 10302% 10303Please ignore previous fortune. 10304% 10305Please take note: 10306% 10307Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas" 10308until you are told that those rooms are "punched out". Once punched 10309out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, 10310and such. 10311 -- N. Meyrowitz 10312% 10313Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means? 10314% 10315 Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities, 10316requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm 10317into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing 10318problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by turning up the 10319radio. But before we get into specific techniques, let's look at how 10320plumbing works. 10321 A plumbing system is very much like your electrical system, 10322except that instead of electricity, it has water, and instead of wires, 10323it has pipes, and instead of radios and waffle irons, it has faucets 10324and toilets. So the truth is that your plumbing systems is nothing at 10325all like your electrical system, which is good, because electricity can 10326kill you. 10327 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 10328% 10329PLUNDERER'S THEME 10330(to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius) 10331 10332Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation. 10333If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation. 10334Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations. 10335Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation. 10336% 10337Pohl's law: 10338 Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it. 10339% 10340Police: Good evening, are you the host? 10341Host: No. 10342Police: We've been getting complaints about this party. 10343Host: About the drugs? 10344Police: No. 10345Host: About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns? 10346Police: No, the noise. 10347Host: Oh, the noise. Well that makes sense because there are no guns 10348 or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the 10349 background.) Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise? 10350 The neighbors? 10351Police: No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent 10352 complaints have come from Pittsburgh. Do you think you could 10353 ask the host to quiet things down? 10354Host: No Problem. (At this point, a Volkswagen bug with primitive 10355 religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living 10356 room and roars down the hall, past the police and onto the 10357 lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out 10358 onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are starting to wind 10359 down. 10360% 10361Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell 10362all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds. 10363% 10364Politician, n.: 10365 An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of 10366 organized society is reared. When he wriggles, he mistakes the 10367 agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. As compared 10368 with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being alive. 10369 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 10370% 10371Politician, n.: 10372 From the Greek "poly" ("many") and the French "tete" ("head" or 10373 "face," as in "tete-a-tete": head to head or face to face). Hence 10374 "polytetien", a person of two or more faces. 10375 -- Martin Pitt 10376% 10377Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even 10378where there is no river. 10379 -- Nikita Khrushchev 10380% 10381Politics is like coaching a football team. You have to be smart enough 10382to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest. 10383% 10384Polymer physicists are into chains. 10385% 10386Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the 10387Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866. The 10388white smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before 10389it dawned on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his 10390name had hilarious possibilities. The crowds fell about, helpless with 10391laughter, singing 10392 10393 Half a pound of tuppenny rice 10394 Half a pound of treacle 10395 That's the way the chimney smokes 10396 Pope Goestheveezl 10397 10398The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of 10399laughter streaming down their faces. The event set a record for 10400hilarious civic functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron 10401Hans Neizant B"ompzidaize was elected Landburgher of K"oln in 1653. 10402 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 10403% 10404Portable, adj.: 10405 Survives system reboot. 10406% 10407Positive, adj.: 10408 Mistaken at the top of one's voice. 10409 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 10410% 10411Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth. 10412% 10413Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat. 10414 -- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy 1981-1987 10415% 10416Power corrupts. And atomic power corrupts atomically. 10417% 10418Power, n: 10419 The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA. 10420% 10421Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little 10422more time for dreaming. 10423 -- J. P. McEvoy 10424% 10425Predestination was doomed from the start. 10426% 10427President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic pundits and 10428forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax. 10429% 10430President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50% of the 10431vote. In a democracy, that's not called quitting. 10432 -- The Washington Post 10433% 10434Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist! 10435% 10436Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning: 10437 It's on the other side. 10438% 10439[Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves the working man -- he loves 10440to see him work. 10441 -- Winston Churchill 10442% 10443Pro is to con as progress is to Congress. 10444% 10445Probable-Possible, my black hen, 10446She lays eggs in the Relative When. 10447She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now 10448Because she's unable to postulate how. 10449 -- Frederick Winsor 10450% 10451Probably the question asked most often is: Do one-celled animals have 10452orgasms? The answer is yes, they have orgasms almost constantly, which 10453is why they don't mind living in pools of warm slime. 10454 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every 10455 Teen Should Know" 10456% 10457Prof: So the American government went to IBM to come up with a data 10458 encryption standard and they came up with ... 10459Student: EBCDIC!" 10460% 10461Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem. 10462Eng. 130 midterm. Once again no student received a single point on 10463his exam. Newell has now tossed five shutouts this quarter. Newell's 10464earned exam average has now dropped to a phenomenal 30% 10465% 10466Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction. 10467 10468This technique is used on equations with "_n" in them. Induction 10469techniques are very popular; even the military used them. 10470 10471SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction. 10472 10473 We know it's true for _n equal to 1. Now assume that it's true 10474for every natural number less than _n. _N is arbitrary, so we can take _n 10475as large as we want. If _n is sufficiently large, the case of _n+1 is 10476trivially equivalent, so the only important _n are _n less than _n. We 10477can take _n = _n (from above), so it's true for _n+1 because it's just 10478about _n. 10479 QED. (QED translates from the Latin as "So what?") 10480% 10481Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity. 10482 SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs. 10483(1) Horses have an even number of legs. 10484(2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front. 10485(3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of 10486 legs for a horse. 10487(4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity. 10488(5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs. 10489 10490Topics to be covered in future issues include proof by: 10491 Intimidation 10492 Gesticulation (handwaving) 10493 "Try it; it works" 10494 Constipation (I was just sitting there and ...) 10495 Blatant assertion 10496 Changing all the 2's to _n's 10497 Mutual consent 10498 Lack of a counterexample, and 10499 "It stands to reason" 10500% 10501Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: 10502 10503BBW Branch Both Ways 10504BEW Branch Either Way 10505BBBF Branch on Bit Bucket Full 10506BH Branch and Hang 10507BMR Branch Multiple Registers 10508BOB Branch On Bug 10509BPO Branch on Power Off 10510BST Backspace and Stretch Tape 10511CDS Condense and Destroy System 10512CLBR Clobber Register 10513CLBRI Clobber Register Immediately 10514CM Circulate Memory 10515CMFRM Come From -- essential for truly structured programming 10516CPPR Crumple Printer Paper and Rip 10517CRN Convert to Roman Numerals 10518% 10519Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: 10520 10521DC Divide and Conquer 10522DMPK Destroy Memory Protect Key 10523DO Divide and Overflow 10524EMPC Emulate Pocket Calculator 10525EPI Execute Programmer Immediately 10526EROS Erase Read Only Storage 10527EXCE Execute Customer Engineer 10528HCF Halt and Catch Fire 10529IBP Insert Bug and Proceed 10530INSQSW Insert into queue somewhere (for FINO queues [First in never out]) 10531PBC Print and Break Chain 10532PDSK Punch Disk 10533% 10534Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: 10535 10536PI Punch Invalid 10537POPI Punch Operator Immediately 10538PVLC Punch Variable Length Card 10539RASC Read And Shred Card 10540RPM Read Programmers Mind 10541RSSC reduce speed, step carefully (for improved accuracy) 10542RTAB Rewind tape and break 10543RWDSK rewind disk 10544RWOC Read Writing On Card 10545SCRBL scribble to disk - faster than a write 10546SLC Search for Lost Chord 10547SPSW Scramble Program Status Word 10548SRSD Seek Record and Scar Disk 10549STROM Store in Read Only Memory 10550TDB Transfer and Drop Bit 10551WBT Water Binary Tree 10552% 10553"Protozoa are small, and bacteria are small, but viruses are smaller 10554than the both put together." 10555% 10556Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check 10557three friends. If they're OK, you're it. 10558% 10559Psychotherapy is the theory that the patient will probably get well 10560anyhow and is certainly a damn fool. 10561 -- H. L. Mencken 10562% 10563Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves 10564to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way 10565to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the 10566cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in 10567fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a 10568lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of 10569the first day even if they have plenty of food and water. 10570 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" 10571% 10572Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen. 10573% 10574Pushing 40 is exercise enough. 10575% 10576Put no trust in cryptic comments. 10577% 10578Put your Nose to the Grindstone! 10579 -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd. 10580% 10581Putt's Law: 10582 Technology is dominated by two types of people: 10583 Those who understand what they do not manage. 10584 Those who manage what they do not understand. 10585% 10586Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is? 10587A: One per person. 10588% 10589Q: How did you get into artificial intelligence? 10590A: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence. 10591% 10592Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat ? 10593A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires. 10594% 10595Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat? 10596A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires. 10597 10598Q: How long does it take? 10599A: It's indeterminate. It will depend upon how many flats they've 10600 brought with them. 10601 10602Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats? 10603A: They replace your generator. 10604% 10605Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 10606A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb 10607 itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective 10608 reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a 10609 maudlin cosmos of nothingness. 10610% 10611Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb 10612 in San Francisco? 10613A: Both of them. 10614% 10615Q: How many IBM cpu's does it take to do a logical right shift? 10616A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register. 10617% 10618Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job? 10619A: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off. 10620% 10621Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? 10622A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, 10623 Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of 10624 the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% 10625 of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences 10626 of non-blank characters separated by blanks". 10627% 10628Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 10629A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring 10630 light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government 10631 plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer 10632 prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb 10633 assassin to break the bulb in the first place. 10634% 10635Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 10636A: One and a half. 10637% 10638Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 10639A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem 10640 to the earlier joke. 10641% 10642Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? 10643A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those 10644 Californians trying to share the experience. 10645% 10646Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? 10647A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub 10648 with brightly colored machine tools. 10649% 10650Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? 10651A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out 10652 of the way. 10653% 10654Q: What's a light-year? 10655A: One-third less calories than a regular year. 10656% 10657Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road? 10658A: Because it was on the other side. 10659% 10660Q: Why do ducks have flat feet? 10661A: To stamp out forest fires. 10662 10663Q: Why do elephants have flat feet? 10664A: To stamp out flaming ducks. 10665% 10666Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together? 10667A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home. 10668% 10669Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars. What 10670 should I do? 10671 10672A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on 10673 believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably be 10674 the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you can. No 10675 time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to see if 10676 somebody else has made the correction. 10677 10678 And it's not good enough to send the message by mail. Since you're 10679 the only one who really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have 10680 to inform the whole net right away! 10681 10682 -- Brad Templeton, "Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions 10683 on Netiquette" 10684% 10685Quality Control, n.: 10686 The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off 10687 a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works. 10688% 10689Question: 10690Man Invented Alcohol, 10691God Invented Grass. 10692Who do you trust? 10693% 10694Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened! 10695% 10696Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!! 10697% 10698Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur. 10699 10700(Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.) 10701% 10702Quigley's Law: 10703 Whoever has any authority over you, 10704 no matter how small, will attempt to use it. 10705% 10706QUOTE OF THE DAY: 10707 10708 ` 10709 10710% 10711"Qvid me anxivs svm?" 10712% 10713QWERT (kwirt), n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth]: 10714 1. a unit of weight equal to 13 poiuyt avoirdupois (or 1.69 10715kiloliks), commonly used in structural engineering; 2. [colloq.] one 10716thirteenth the load that a fully grown sligo can carry; 3. [anat.] a 10717painful irritation of the dermis in the region of the anus; 4. [slang] 10718person who excites in others the symptoms of a qwert. 10719 -- Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed. 10720% 10721Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. 10722% 10723Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something 10724I saw at the airport... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of 10725computer magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport 10726store. Does it bother anyone else that half the world is being told 10727all of our hard-won secrets of computer technology? Remember how all 10728the lawyers cried foul when "How to Avoid Probate" was published? Are 10729they taking no-fault insurance lying down? No way! But at the current 10730rate it won't be long before there are stacks of the "Transactions on 10731Information Theory" at the A&P checkout counters. Who's going to be 10732impressed with us electrical engineers then? Are we, as the saying 10733goes, giving away the store? 10734 -- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE President 10735% 10736Ray's Rule of Precision: 10737 Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe. 10738% 10739Razors pain you; 10740Rivers are damp; 10741Acids stain you; 10742And drugs cause cramp. 10743Guns aren't lawful; 10744Nooses give; 10745Gas smells awful; 10746You might as well live. 10747 -- Dorothy Parker, "Resume", 1926 10748% 10749Re graphics: A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe 10750the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately described 10751with pictures. 10752% 10753Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of 10754Congress. But I repeat myself. 10755 -- Mark Twain 10756% 10757Real computer scientists admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic 10758value but they find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is 10759much too large to implement. Most computer scientists don't notice 10760this because they are still arguing over what else to add to ADA. 10761% 10762Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware 10763has limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing 10764machines are so poor at I/O. 10765% 10766Real computer scientists don't comment their code. The identifiers are 10767so long they can't afford the disk space. 10768% 10769Real computer scientists don't program in assembler. They don't write 10770in anything less portable than a number two pencil. 10771% 10772Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker 10773with `programming systems', but those are so high level that they 10774hardly count (and rarely count accurately; precision is for 10775applications.) 10776% 10777Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run 10778on future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo 10779sapiens will ever be able to fit on a single planet. 10780% 10781Real programmers disdain structured programming. Structured 10782programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet- 10783trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up pencils on otherwise 10784clear desks. 10785% 10786Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine 10787doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell 10788quiche. 10789% 10790Real programmers don't comment their code. It was hard to write, it 10791should be hard to understand. 10792% 10793Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the 10794illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how 10795much good it did them. 10796% 10797Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires 10798you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers 10799wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly 10800spring up in the middle of the machine room. 10801% 10802Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write 10803in BASIC after reaching puberty. 10804% 10805Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress 10806freaks and crystallography weenies. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who 10807wear white socks. 10808% 10809Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for programmers who 10810can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN. 10811% 10812Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue. 10813% 10814Real Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they use 10815functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them? 10816% 10817Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness. 10818This process doesn't necessarily involve execution of anything on a 10819computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package. 10820% 10821Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and 10822greasy hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any 10823moment. They have a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that 10824systems could be virtual at *___all* levels. They would like personal 10825computers (you know no one's going to trip over something and kill your 10826DFA in mid-transit), except that they need 8 megabytes to run their 10827Correctness Verification Aid packages. 10828% 10829Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the 10830job is described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like 10831using an undocumented external procedure. 10832% 10833Real Time, adj.: 10834 Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there 10835and then. 10836% 10837Real Users are afraid they'll break the machine -- but they're never 10838afraid to break your face. 10839% 10840Real Users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts 10841down the system for days. 10842% 10843Real Users hate Real Programmers. 10844% 10845Real Users know your home telephone number. 10846% 10847Real Users never know what they want, but they always know when your 10848program doesn't deliver it. 10849% 10850Real Users never use the Help key. 10851% 10852Real World, The n.: 10853 1. In programming, those institutions at which programming may 10854be used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc. 2. To 10855programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities not related 10856to programming. 3. A universe in which the standard dress is shirt and 10857tie and in which a person's working hours are defined as 9 to 5. 108584. The location of the status quo. 5. Anywhere outside a university. 10859"Poor fellow, he's left MIT and gone into the real world." Used 10860pejoratively by those not in residence there. In conversation, talking 10861of someone who has entered the real world is not unlike talking about a 10862deceased person. 10863% 10864Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle drugs. 10865% 10866Reality is an obstacle to hallucination. 10867% 10868Reality is bad enough, why should I tell the truth? 10869 -- Patrick Sky 10870% 10871Reality is for people who lack imagination. 10872% 10873Reality is for those who can't face Science Fiction. 10874% 10875Reality is just a convenient measure of complexity. 10876 -- Alvy Ray Smith 10877% 10878Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away. 10879 -- Philip K. Dick 10880% 10881"Really ?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!" 10882% 10883Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than 10884being flat broke and having a stomach ache. 10885 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" 10886% 10887Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you 10888lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict, 10889but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and 10890Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 10891recessions. 10892% 10893Reclaimer, spare that tree! 10894Take not a single bit! 10895It used to point to me, 10896Now I'm protecting it. 10897It was the reader's CONS 10898That made it, paired by dot; 10899Now, GC, for the nonce, 10900Thou shalt reclaim it not. 10901% 10902 "Reflections on Ice-Breaking" 10903Candy 10904Is dandy 10905But liquor 10906Is quicker. 10907 -- Ogden Nash 10908% 10909"Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised. "We're back in the universe 10910again ..." An unusually long pause followed, "... but I don't know 10911which part. We seem to have changed our position in space." A 10912spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the 10913starfield surrounding the ship. 10914 10915"Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us," ZORAC 10916announced after a short pause. "The designs are not familiar, but they 10917are obviously the products of intelligence. Implications: we have been 10918intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown, and 10919transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown. 10920Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious." 10921 -- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star" 10922% 10923Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia: 10924 If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it. 10925% 10926Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin. 10927 -- Anatole France 10928% 10929"Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it." 10930 -- Dave Barry 10931% 10932Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be 10933worse in Cleveland. 10934 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 10935% 10936Remember, drive defensively! And of course, the best defense is a good 10937offense! 10938% 10939Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat. 10940% 10941Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU. 10942% 10943Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life. 10944 -- Dave Butler 10945% 10946Renning's Maxim: 10947 Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying. 10948% 10949Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): 10950 Mr. Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization? 10951Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea. 10952% 10953Reporter, n.: 10954 A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a 10955 tempest of words. 10956 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 10957% 10958REPORTER: Senator, are you for or against the MX missile system? 10959 10960SENATOR: Bob, the MX missile system reminds me of an old saying that 10961the country folk in my state like to say. It goes like this: "You can 10962carry a pig for six miles, but if you set it down it might run away." 10963I have no idea why the country folk say this. Maybe there's some kind 10964of chemical pollutant in their drinking water. That is why I pledge to 10965do all that I can to protect the environment of this great nation of 10966ours, and put prayer back in the schools, where it belongs. What we 10967need is jobs, not empty promises. I realize I'm risking my political 10968career be being so outspoken on a sensitive issue such as the MX, but 10969that's just the kind of straight-talking honest person I am, and I 10970can't help it. 10971 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics" 10972% 10973Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. 10974 -- Wernher von Braun 10975% 10976Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably 10977get another chance later on. 10978% 10979Review Questions 10980 10981(1) If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH, 10982 and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before 10983 he exceeds the speed of light? How long will it be before the 10984 Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship? 10985 10986(2) If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks 10987 twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks 10988 every bone in his body? How long will it be before they cut off 10989 his insurance? Where does he get a new car every week? 10990 10991(3) If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers 10992 the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in a 10993 pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King 10994 Tut's? When will it fall on him? Will he notice? 10995% 10996Rhode's Law: 10997 When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, circumstance, 10998 or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, empirically, or 10999 circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred, induced, deducted, 11000 estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always for the purpose 11001 of convenience, expediency, political advantage, material gain, or 11002 personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or none of the 11003 above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed, proclaimed, and 11004 adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably, universally, immutably, 11005 and infinitely so, until such time as it becomes advantageous to 11006 assume otherwise, maybe. 11007% 11008Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. 11009 -- Steven Wright 11010% 11011Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention 11012 Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will 11013 reject the proposal. 11014% 11015Romeo wasn't bilked in a day. 11016 -- Walt Kelly, "Ten Ever-Lovin' Blue-Eyed Years With Pogo" 11017% 11018ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much. 11019MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church- 11020 door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve. 11021% 11022Rudin's Law: 11023 If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will do it 11024every time. 11025% 11026Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London: 11027 Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall 11028be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person 11029shall be deemed to be a cat. 11030% 11031Rule of Creative Research: 11032 (1) Never draw what you can copy. 11033 (2) Never copy what you can trace. 11034 (3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. 11035% 11036Rule of Defactualization: 11037 Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies. 11038% 11039Rule of Feline Frustration: 11040 When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly 11041 content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom. 11042% 11043Rule of the Great: 11044 When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep 11045 thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch. 11046% 11047Rules for Academic Deans: 11048 (1) HIDE!!!! 11049 (2) If they find you, LIE!!!! 11050 -- Father Damian C. Fandal 11051% 11052Rules for driving in New York: 11053 (1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal. 11054 (2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers 11055 on. 11056 (3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the 11057 intersection. 11058% 11059RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED 11060 (1) Never eat on an empty stomach. 11061 (2) Never leave the table hungry. 11062 (3) When traveling, never leave a country hungry. 11063 (4) Enjoy your food. 11064 (5) Enjoy your companion's food. 11065 (6) Really taste your food. It may take several portions to 11066 accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned. 11067 (7) Really feel your food. Texture is important. Compare, 11068 for example, the texture of a turnip to that of a 11069 brownie. Which feels better against your cheeks? 11070 (8) Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal. 11071 (9) Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You 11072 can always eat it later. 11073 (10) Avoid any wine with a childproof cap. 11074 (11) Avoid blue food. 11075 -- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet" 11076% 11077Rules: 11078 (1) The boss is always right. 11079 (2) When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 1. 11080% 11081 Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence 11082 Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead. 11083 11084(1) Little things start bothering you: little things like worms, bugs, 11085 ants. 11086(2) Something is missing in your personal relationships. 11087(3) Your dog becomes overly affectionate. 11088(4) You have a hard time getting a waiter. 11089(5) Exotic birds flock around you. 11090(6) People ignore you at parties. 11091(7) You have a hard time getting up in the morning. 11092(8) You no longer get off on cocaine. 11093% 11094 Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence 11095(1) Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear 11096 bomb; use the stairs. 11097(2) When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit 11098 the ground. 11099(3) If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials. 11100(4) Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead to 11101 psychological problems. 11102(5) Food will be scarce; you will have to scavenge. Learn to 11103 recognize foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed 11104 potatoes, shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc. 11105(6) Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs 11106 will be scarce in the post-nuclear age. 11107(7) Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles. 11108(8) Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas; people could be 11109 staggering illegally. 11110(9) Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but more 11111 sanitary due to limited circulation. 11112(10) Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on 11113 D-Day. 11114% 11115SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21) 11116 You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless 11117 tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority 11118 of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People 11119 laugh at you a great deal. 11120% 11121San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was. 11122 -- Herb Caen 11123% 11124San Francisco, n.: 11125 Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse. 11126% 11127Sanity is the trademark of a weak mind. 11128 -- Mark Harrold 11129% 11130Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, 11131 He must be a communist. 11132And a beard and long hair, 11133 Must be a pacifist. 11134 11135 What's in that pipe that he's smoking? 11136 -- Arlo Guthrie 11137% 11138Satellite Safety Tip #14: 11139 If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck. 11140% 11141Sattinger's Law: 11142 It works better if you plug it in. 11143% 11144Saturday night in Toledo Ohio, 11145 Is like being nowhere at all, 11146All through the day how the hours rush by, 11147 You sit in the park and you watch the grass die. 11148 -- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio" 11149% 11150Sauron is alive in Argentina! 11151% 11152Save energy: be apathetic. 11153% 11154Save the Whales -- Harpoon a Honda. 11155% 11156Save the whales. Collect the whole set. 11157% 11158Saw a sign on a restaurant that said Breakfast, any time -- so I 11159ordered French Toast in the Renaissance. 11160 -- Steven Wright 11161% 11162SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out! 11163 -- Ken Thompson 11164% 11165Schapiro's Explanation: 11166 The grass is always greener on the other side -- but that's 11167 because they use more manure. 11168% 11169Schizophrenia beats being alone. 11170% 11171Schlattwhapper, n.: 11172 The window shade that allows itself to be pulled down, 11173 hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face. 11174 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 11175% 11176Schnuffel, n.: 11177 A dog's practice of continuously nuzzling in your crotch in 11178mixed company. 11179 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 11180% 11181Schwiggle, n.: 11182 The amusing rotation of one's bottom while sharpening a 11183pencil. 11184 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 11185% 11186Science is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is science made 11187of facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts 11188is not necessarily science. 11189 -- Henri Poincair'e 11190% 11191Science is what happens when preconception meets verification. 11192% 11193Scientists are people who build the Brooklyn Bridge and then buy it. 11194 -- William Buckley 11195 11196% 11197SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21) 11198 You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will 11199 achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of 11200 ethics. Most Scorpio people are murdered. 11201% 11202Scott's first Law: 11203 No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right. 11204% 11205Scott's second Law: 11206 When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found 11207to have been wrong in the first place. 11208 11209Corollary: 11210 After the correction has been found in error, it will be 11211impossible to fit the original quantity back into the equation. 11212% 11213Scotty: Captain, we din' can reference it! 11214Kirk: Analysis, Mr. Spock? 11215Spock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table. 11216Kirk: Then it's of external origin? 11217Spock: Affirmative. 11218Kirk: Mr. Sulu, go to pass two. 11219Sulu: Aye aye, sir, going to pass two. 11220% 11221Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else. 11222% 11223Scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the 11224Presidency. 11225 -- Richard Nixon 11226% 11227Second Law of Business Meetings: 11228 If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you 11229 will pick the wrong one. 11230 11231Corollary: 11232 If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it 11233 wrong, anyway. 11234% 11235Section 2.4.3.5 AWNS (Acceptor Wait for New Cycle State). 11236 In AWNS the AH function indicates that it has received a 11237multiline message byte. 11238 In AWNS the RFD message must be sent false and the DAC message 11239must be sent passive true. 11240 The AH function must exit the AWNS and enter: 11241 (1) The ANRS if DAV is false 11242 (2) The AIDS if the ATN message is false and neither: 11243 (a) The LADS is active 11244 (b) Nor LACS is active 11245 11246 -- from the IEEE Standard Digital Interface for 11247 Programmable Instrumentation 11248% 11249Security check: INTRUDER ALERT! 11250% 11251Seduced, shaggy Samson snored. 11252She scissored short. Sorely shorn, 11253Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed, 11254Silently scheming, 11255Sightlessly seeking 11256Some savage, spectacular suicide. 11257 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 11258% 11259"See - the thing is - I'm an absolutist. I mean, kind of ... in a way ..." 11260% 11261Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine: 11262 Ice Cream cures all ills. 11263% 11264Self Test for Paranoia: 11265 You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's 11266your own fault. 11267% 11268Seminars, n.: 11269 From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion. 11270% 11271Sen. Danforth: "There is nothing on the face of the album which would 11272 notify you if the record has pornographic material or 11273 material glorifying violence?" 11274Tipper Gore: "No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me." 11275Frank Zappa: "I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's 11276 legs on the album cover is good indication that it's 11277 not for little Johnny." 11278 11279 -- The Senate Commerce Committee hearing on rock 11280 lyrics, from The Village Voice, 6 Oct 1985 11281% 11282Senate, n.: 11283 A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and 11284misdemeanors. 11285 -- Ambrose Bierce 11286% 11287Serenity through viciousness. 11288% 11289Serocki's Stricture: 11290 Marriage is always a bachelor's last option. 11291% 11292Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence. 11293% 11294 "Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated 11295thoughtfully. "An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY 11296advice, I'd have said `Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now." 11297 "I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly. 11298 "Too proud?" the other enquired. 11299 Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean," 11300she said, "that one can't help growing older." 11301 "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With 11302proper assistance, you might have left off at seven." 11303 -- Lewis Carroll 11304% 11305Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a 11306big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at 11307reasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's 11308build a home center. And before long home centers were springing up 11309like crabgrass all over the United States. 11310 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 11311% 11312Sex is a natural bodily process, like a stroke. 11313% 11314Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. 11315 -- Swami X 11316% 11317Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated. 11318 -- M. C. Reed. 11319% 11320Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, 11321it's one of the best. 11322 -- Woody Allen 11323% 11324Shamus, n. [Yiddish]: 11325 A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the 11326temple, and makes sure everything is in working order. 11327 A shamus is at the bottom of the pecking order of synagogue 11328functionaries, and there's a joke about that: 11329 A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the 11330middle of a service, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The cantor, not to be 11331bested, also cries out, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" 11332 The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, "Oh, Lord, I 11333am nobody!" The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, "Look who thinks 11334he's nobody!" 11335 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 11336% 11337Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off 11338during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent. 11339 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every 11340 Teen Should Know" 11341% 11342Shaw's Principle: 11343 Build a system that even a fool can use, 11344 and only a fool will want to use it. 11345% 11346She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to. 11347 -- Gypsy Rose Lee 11348% 11349She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot. 11350 -- Mark Twain 11351% 11352She liked him; he was a man of many qualities, even if most of them 11353were bad. 11354% 11355She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him a look that you could 11356have poured on a waffle. 11357% 11358She said, `I know you ... you cannot sing'. I said, `That's nothing, 11359you should hear me play piano.' 11360 -- Morrisey 11361% 11362She's genuinely bogus. 11363% 11364Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have 11365taken him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an 11366excess of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature. 11367 -- Samuel Johnson 11368% 11369SHIFT TO THE LEFT! SHIFT TO THE RIGHT! 11370POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE! 11371% 11372Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is 11373playing golf with his boss. 11374% 11375Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change. 11376% 11377Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help. 11378 -- from the Brown University Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet 11379% 11380Silverman's Law: 11381 If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will. 11382% 11383Simon's Law: 11384 Everything put together falls apart sooner or later. 11385% 11386Since I hurt my pendulum 11387My life is all erratic. 11388My parrot, who was cordial, 11389Is now transmitting static. 11390The carpet died, a palm collapsed, 11391The cat keeps doing poo. 11392The only thing that keeps me sane 11393Is talking to my shoe. 11394 -- My Shoe 11395% 11396Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're 11397alive. 11398 -- John Sloan 11399% 11400Since we're all here, we must not be all there. 11401 -- Bob "Mountain" Beck 11402% 11403[Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues I dislike and none of the 11404vices I admire. 11405 -- Winston Churchill 11406% 11407Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the Vulgate 11408Bible. Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull automatically 11409excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration in the text. 11410This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible. He personally 11411examined every sheet as it came off the press. Yet the published 11412Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps had to be 11413printed and pasted over them in every copy. The result provoked wry 11414comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and Pope Sixtus had 11415no recourse but to order the return and destruction of every copy. 11416% 11417Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor): 11418 That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to, 11419 or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you 11420 should have gotten. 11421% 11422Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes 11423to work. 11424% 11425Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not, 11426when a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and 11427apparently incoherent songs. I was myself within the circle, so that I 11428neither saw nor heard as those without might see and hear. They told a 11429tale which was then altogether beyond my feeble comprehension: they 11430were tones, loud, long and deep, breathing the prayer and complaint of 11431souls boiling over with the bitterest anguish. Every tone was a 11432testimony against slavery, and a prayer to God for deliverance from 11433chains. 11434 -- Frederick Douglass 11435% 11436Slick's Three Laws of the Universe: 11437 (1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad 11438 check. 11439 (2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat. 11440 (3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is 11441 attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is 11442 attracted to dark objects. 11443% 11444Slowly and surely the unix crept up on the Nintendo user ... 11445% 11446Slurm, n.: 11447 The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when 11448 it sits in the dish too long. 11449 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 11450% 11451Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. 11452 -- Fletcher Knebel 11453% 11454Snacktrek, n.: 11455 The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly 11456returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have 11457materialized. 11458 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 11459% 11460So as your consumer electronics adviser, I am advising you to donate 11461your current VCR to a grate resident, who will laugh sardonically and 11462hurl it into a dumpster. Then I want you to go out and purchase a vast 11463array of 8-millimeter video equipment. 11464 11465... OK! Got everything? Well, *too bad, sucker*, because while you 11466were gone the electronics industry came up with an even newer format 11467that makes your 8-millimeter VCR look as technologically advanced as 11468toenail dirt. This format is called "3.5 hectare" and it will not be 11469made available until it is outmoded, sometime early next week, by a 11470format called "Elroy", so *order yours now*. 11471 -- Dave Barry, "No Surrender in the Electronics 11472 Revolution" 11473% 11474So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in 11475praise of intelligence. 11476 -- Bertrand Russell 11477% 11478... so long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those 11479who wish to tyrannize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent, 11480and will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious 11481and otherwise, to put shackles upon sleeping men. 11482 -- Voltarine de Cleyre 11483% 11484 So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark]. 11485With a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to 11486maneuver the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of 11487corner of the lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to 11488flop up onto the land and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward 11489it, sort of crouched over, when all of a sudden it turned around and -- 11490I can still remember the sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in 11491the armpit area -- headed right straight toward us. 11492 Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and 11493I were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our 11494heads. We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're 11495unarmed and a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water 11496up to your lower calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the 11497opposite direction, using a sprinting style such that the bottoms of 11498our feet never once went below the surface of the water. We ran all 11499the way to the far shore, and if we had been in a Warner Brothers 11500cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach, and you would have seen 11501these two mounds of sand racing across the island until they bonked 11502into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads. 11503 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 11504% 11505So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple 11506pie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops 11507its head into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very 11508imprudently married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, 11509and the Grand Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top, 11510and they all fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the 11511gunpowder ran out at the heels of their boots. 11512 -- Samuel Foote 11513% 11514... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their 11515procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as 11516to infest the waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of 11517sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making 11518documentaries. Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly 11519listless. The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another 11520documentary." So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking, 11521under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know very little about the 11522effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply 11523scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White 11524in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind of 11525thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and 11526then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very 11527dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all 11528along. 11529 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 11530% 11531So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway? 11532And why can't he ever remember his Bible? 11533% 11534Sodd's Second Law: 11535 Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is 11536bound to occur. 11537% 11538Software, n.: 11539 Formal evening attire for female computer analysts. 11540% 11541Some don't prefer the pursuit of happiness to the happiness of pursuit. 11542% 11543Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them. 11544 -- Ed Howe 11545% 11546Some of you ... may have decided that, this year, you're going to 11547celebrate it the old-fashioned way, with your family sitting around 11548stringing cranberries and exchanging humble, handmade gifts, like on 11549"The Waltons". Well, you can forget it. If everybody pulled that kind 11550of subversive stunt, the economy would collapse overnight. The 11551government would have to intervene: it would form a cabinet-level 11552Department of Holiday Gift-Giving, which would spend billions and 11553billions of tax dollars to buy Barbie dolls and electronic games, which 11554it would drop on the populace from Air Force jets, killing and maiming 11555thousands. So, for the good of the nation, you should go along with 11556the Holiday Program. This means you should get a large sum of money 11557and go to a mall. 11558 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 11559% 11560Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some 11561people have mediocrity thrust upon them. 11562 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" 11563% 11564Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have only 11565one life to live, let me live it as a jerk." 11566% 11567Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit 11568them on the head. 11569% 11570Some people live life in the fast lane. You're in oncoming traffic. 11571% 11572Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when 11573you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even 11574worse. 11575 -- Avery 11576% 11577Some points to remember [about animals]: 11578 11579(1) Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants, rhinoceri, 11580 hippopotamuses; 11581(2) Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the 11582 front of your clothes; 11583(3) Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or dogs 11584 you have just kicked. 11585 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 11586% 11587Some primal termite knocked on wood. 11588And tasted it, and found it good. 11589And that is why your Cousin May 11590Fell through the parlor floor today. 11591 -- Ogden Nash 11592% 11593Some programming languages manage to absorb change but withstand 11594progress. 11595% 11596Some programming languages manage to absorb change, but withstand 11597progress. 11598 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 11599% 11600Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the 11601pens will multiply instead of disappear. 11602% 11603Someone will try to honk your nose today. 11604% 11605Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm 11606the only ashtray. 11607% 11608Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world. 11609 -- Lily Tomlin 11610% 11611"Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the 11612Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then 11613intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men 11614and women, such as are we all? And thus happily sent forth, at our 11615best, with good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are 11616we not God's Machineries of Joy?" 11617 11618"If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin." 11619 -- R. Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy" 11620% 11621Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering. 11622% 11623Song Title of the Week: 11624 "They're putting dimes in the hole in my head to see the change 11625in me." 11626% 11627Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. 11628(Those who have already paid may disregard this fortune). 11629% 11630Sorry, no fortune this time. 11631% 11632Sorry. I forget what I was going to say. 11633% 11634Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind- 11635bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the 11636road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space. 11637 -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 11638% 11639"Spare no expense to save money on this one." 11640 -- Samuel Goldwyn 11641% 11642Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers: 11643 If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as 11644if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question 11645back at him. 11646% 11647Speak roughly to your little boy, 11648 And beat him when he sneezes: 11649He only does it to annoy 11650 Because he knows it teases. 11651 11652 Wow! wow! wow! 11653 11654I speak severely to my boy, 11655 And beat him when he sneezes: 11656For he can thoroughly enjoy 11657 The pepper when he pleases! 11658 11659 Wow! wow! wow! 11660 -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland" 11661% 11662Speak roughly to your little VAX, 11663 And boot it when it crashes; 11664It knows that one cannot relax 11665 Because the paging thrashes! 11666 11667 Wow! Wow! Wow! 11668 11669I speak severely to my VAX, 11670 And boot it when it crashes; 11671In spite of all my favorite hacks 11672 My jobs it always thrashes! 11673 11674 Wow! Wow! Wow! 11675% 11676Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword. 11677% 11678Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman. 11679 -- Dave Millman 11680% 11681Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am 11682sure that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging, 11683cycle-grabbing, all-encompassing monster. Allocate an array and free 11684the middle third? Sure! Why not? Multiply a character string times a 11685bit string and assign the result to a float decimal? Go ahead! Free a 11686controlled variable procedure parameter and reallocate it before 11687passing it back? Overlay three different types of variable on the same 11688memory location? Anything you say! Write a recursive macro? Well, 11689no, but Real Men use rescan. How could a language so obviously 11690designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use? 11691% 11692Speaking of Godzilla and other things that convey horror: 11693 11694 With a purposeful grimace and a Mongo-like flair 11695 He throws the spinning disk drives in the air! 11696 And he picks up a Vax and he throws it back down 11697 As he wades through the lab making terrible sounds! 11698 Helpless users with projects due 11699 Scream "My God!" as he stomps on the tape drives, too! 11700 11701 Oh, no! He says Unix runs too slow! Go, go, DECzilla! 11702 Oh, yes! He's gonna bring up VMS! Go, go, DECzilla!" 11703 11704* VMS is a trademark of Digital Equipment Corporation 11705* DECzilla is a trademark of Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of Death, Inc. 11706 -- Curtis Jackson 11707% 11708Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently 11709these days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people 11710to communicate with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't 11711communicate, children who can't communicate with their parents, and so 11712on. And the characters in these books and plays and so on (and in real 11713life, I might add) spend hours bemoaning the fact that they can't 11714communicate. I feel that if a person can't communicate, the very _____least 11715he can do is to Shut Up! 11716 -- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was" 11717% 11718Speed is subsittute fo accurancy. 11719% 11720Speer's 1st Law of Proofreading: 11721 The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the 11722 number of times you have looked at it. 11723% 11724Spelling is a lossed art. 11725% 11726Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers. 11727% 11728Spirtle, n.: 11729 The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in 11730 your eye. 11731 -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends" 11732% 11733Spouse, n.: 11734 Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you 11735 wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single. 11736% 11737Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist 11738drivel; Star Trek can turn your brains to pur'ee of bat guano; and the 11739greatest science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll 11740take you all on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up! 11741 -- Harlan Ellison 11742% 11743Stay away from flying saucers today. 11744% 11745Stay away from hurricanes for a while. 11746% 11747Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly. 11748% 11749Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy: 11750 Everybody should believe in something -- 11751 I believe I'll have another drink. 11752% 11753Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming: 11754 Never test for an error condition you don't know how to 11755 handle. 11756% 11757Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. 11758% 11759Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. 11760Now, if they'd only take a bath ... 11761% 11762Stult's Report: 11763 Our problems are mostly behind us. 11764 What we have to do now is fight the solutions. 11765% 11766Stupid, n.: 11767 Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay. 11768% 11769Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out? 11770% 11771Sturgeon's Law: 11772 90% of everything is crud. 11773% 11774Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your 11775editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. 11776 -- Mark Twain 11777% 11778Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way 11779before it is understood. 11780% 11781Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring. 11782% 11783Suddenly, Professor Liebowitz realizes he has come to the seminar 11784without his duck ... 11785% 11786(Sung to the tune of "The Impossible Dream" from MAN OF LA MANCHA) 11787 11788 To code the impossible code, 11789 To bring up a virgin machine, 11790 To pop out of endless recursion, 11791 To grok what appears on the screen, 11792 11793 To right the unrightable bug, 11794 To endlessly twiddle and thrash, 11795 To mount the unmountable magtape, 11796 To stop the unstoppable crash! 11797% 11798Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have! 11799% 11800Support wildlife -- vote for an orgy. 11801% 11802Support your local police force -- steal!! 11803% 11804Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost. 11805% 11806Sure he's sharp as a razor ... he's a two-dimensional pinhead! 11807% 11808Surprise due today. Also the rent. 11809% 11810Surprise your boss. Get to work on time. 11811% 11812Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S. Audit! Just type 11813in your name and social security number. Please remember that leaving 11814the room is punishable under law: 11815 11816Name # 11817 11818 11819% 11820Swahili, n.: 11821 The language used by the National Enquirer to print their 11822 retractions. 11823 -- Johnny Hart 11824% 11825Sweater, n.: 11826 A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly. 11827% 11828Swipple's Rule of Order: 11829 He who shouts the loudest has the floor. 11830% 11831Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon. 11832 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 11833% 11834System/3! System/3! 11835See how it runs! See how it runs! 11836 Its monitor loses so totally! 11837 It runs all its programs in RPG! 11838 It's made by our favorite monopoly! 11839System/3! 11840% 11841Systems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad 11842infinitum -- which is why we're always starting over. 11843 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 11844% 11845 _ 11846 _ / \ o 11847 / \ | | o o o 11848 | | | | _ o o o o 11849 | \_| | / \ o o o 11850 \__ | | | o o 11851 | | | | ______ ~~~~ _____ 11852 | |__/ | / ___--\\ ~~~ __/_____\__ 11853 | ___/ / \--\\ \\ \ ___ <__ x x __\ 11854 | | / /\\ \\ )) \ ( " ) 11855 | | -------(---->>(@)--(@)-------\----------< >----------- 11856 | | // | | //__________ / \ ____) (___ \\ 11857 | | // __|_| ( --------- ) //// ______ /////\ \\ 11858 // | ( \ ______ / <<<< <>-----<<<<< / \\ 11859 // ( ) / / \` \__ \\ 11860 //-------------------------------------------------------------\\ 11861 11862Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels 11863start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and 11864then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the 11865music at top volume and at least a pint of ether. 11866 -- H.S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" 11867% 11868T: One big monster, he called TROLL. 11869 He don't rock, and he don't roll; 11870 Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies. 11871 He just Love To Eat Them Roguies. 11872 -- The Roguelet's ABC 11873% 11874Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a 11875hole in his head. 11876% 11877Tact, n.: 11878 The unsaid part of what you're thinking. 11879% 11880Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way. 11881% 11882Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting 11883enough cheese. 11884 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 11885% 11886Take it easy, we're in a hurry. 11887% 11888Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, but it 11889needs a very clever woman to manage a fool. 11890 -- Kipling 11891% 11892Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content to sit 11893back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good 11894beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up 11895drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a 11896nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves 11897and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!" So 11898Coca-Cola was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw 11899no need to improve ... 11900 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 11901% 11902Take your dying with some seriousness, however. Laughing on the way to 11903your execution is not generally understood by less advanced life forms, 11904and they'll call you crazy. 11905 -- "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul" 11906% 11907Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish. 11908 -- Euripides 11909% 11910Talkers are no good doers. 11911 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 11912% 11913Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself. 11914 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 11915% 11916TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20) 11917 You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged 11918 determination and work like hell. Most people think you are 11919 stubborn and bull headed. You are a Communist. 11920% 11921Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind 11922the tree." 11923 -- Russell Long 11924% 11925Taxes are going up so fast, the government is likely to price itself 11926out of the market. 11927% 11928Taxes, n.: 11929 Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get 11930 an extension. 11931% 11932Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when they 11933grows up, they will never be able to edge a car onto a freeway. 11934% 11935Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else. 11936% 11937Technological progress has merely provided us 11938with more efficient means for going backwards. 11939 -- Aldous Huxley 11940% 11941Telephone, n.: 11942 An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the 11943 advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance. 11944 -- Ambrose Bierce 11945% 11946Tell me, O Octopus, I begs, 11947Is those things arms, or is they legs? 11948I marvel at thee, Octopus; 11949If I were thou, I'd call me us. 11950 -- Ogden Nash 11951% 11952Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop 11953writing. 11954 -- R. Geis 11955% 11956Terence, this is stupid stuff: 11957You eat your victuals fast enough; 11958There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear, 11959To see the rate you drink your beer. 11960But oh, good Lord, the verse you make, 11961It gives a chap the belly-ache. 11962The cow, the old cow, she is dead; 11963It sleeps well the horned head: 11964We poor lads, 'tis our turn now 11965To hear such tunes as killed the cow. 11966Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme 11967Your friends to death before their time. 11968Moping, melancholy mad: 11969Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad. 11970 -- A. E. Housman 11971% 11972Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a surprising 11973amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one hand considered 11974the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other hand were unwilling 11975to risk offending God's grandmother. 11976 -- Len Cool, "American Pie" 11977% 11978Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a 11979pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city 11980until about his 35th year, when he became a Christian .... To him is 11981ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe 11982because it is absurd). This does not altogether accord with historical 11983fact, for he merely said: 11984 11985 "And the Son of God died, which is immediately credible because 11986 it is absurd. And buried he rose again, which is certain 11987 because it is impossible." 11988 11989Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of 11990philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it. 11991 -- C. G. Jung, in Psychological Types 11992 11993(Tertullian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church). 11994% 11995Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones. 11996% 11997Texas law forbids anyone to have a pair of pliers in his possession. 11998% 11999Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even 12000one which cannot be justified on any other grounds. 12001 -- J. Finnegan, USC. 12002% 12003Thank goodness modern convenience is a thing of the remote future. 12004 -- Pogo, by Walt Kelly 12005% 12006That boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver 12007 -- Foghorn Leghorn 12008% 12009That must be wonderful: I don't understand it at all. 12010 -- Moliere 12011% 12012That secret you've been guarding, isn't. 12013% 12014That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them. 12015 -- Dorothy Parker 12016% 12017The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy. 12018% 12019The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money completely surrounded by 12020people who want some. 12021 -- Dwight MacDonald 12022% 12023The Abrams' Principle: 12024 The shortest distance between two points is off the wall. 12025% 12026The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper 12027 -- Thomas Jefferson 12028% 12029The Advertising Agency Song: 12030 12031 When your client's hopping mad, 12032 Put his picture in the ad. 12033 If he still should prove refractory, 12034 Add a picture of his factory. 12035% 12036The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty. You might want to mug 12037someone with it. 12038 -- M. Devine, Computer Science 340 12039% 12040... The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that 12041consists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune 12042of "Camptown Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to 12043listen to it, and, even better, nobody has to play it. 12044 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 12045% 12046The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas 12047River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little 12048Rock. 12049% 12050The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion. 12051Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed 12052and color, but also on ability. 12053 -- T. Lehrer 12054% 12055The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe. 12056 -- Bill Murray 12057% 12058The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use 12059in effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the 12060Declaration not for that, but for future use. 12061 -- Abraham Lincoln 12062% 12063The average income of the modern teenager is about 2 a.m. 12064% 12065The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the 12066average man can see better than he can think. 12067% 12068The bad reputation UNIX has gotten is totally undeserved, laid on by 12069people who don't understand, who have not gotten in there and tried 12070anything. 12071 -- Jim Joyce, owner of Jim Joyce's UNIX Bookstore 12072% 12073The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than 12074cities. Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and 12075difficult to park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots, 12076which are also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but -- 12077here is the big difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO 12078RULES. You're allowed to do anything. You can drive as fast as you 12079want in any direction you want. I was once driving in a mall parking 12080lot when my car was struck by a pickup truck being driven backward by a 12081squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" on his forearm, who got out 12082and explained to me, in great detail, why the accident was my fault, 12083his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, whereas I was 12084neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall parking 12085lots. 12086 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 12087% 12088The basic menu item, in fact the ONLY menu item, would be a food unit 12089called the "patty," consisting of -- this would be guaranteed in 12090writing -- "100 percent animal matter of some kind." All patties would 12091be heated up and then cooled back down in electronic devices 12092immediately before serving. The Breakfast Patty would be a patty on a 12093bun with lettuce, tomato, onion, egg, Ba-Ko-Bits, Cheez Whiz, a Special 12094Sauce made by pouring ketchup out of a bottle and a little slip of 12095paper stating: "Inspected by Number 12". The Lunch or Dinner Patty 12096would be any Breakfast Patties that didn't get sold in the morning. 12097The Seafood Lover's Patty would be any patties that were starting to 12098emit a serious aroma. Patties that were too rank even to be Seafood 12099Lover's Patties would be compressed into wads and sold as "Nuggets." 12100 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants" 12101% 12102The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland"; 12103but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman. 12104% 12105The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. 12106 -- W. C. Fields 12107% 12108The best defense against logic is ignorance. 12109% 12110The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time. 12111% 12112"The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff and 12113blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails. 12114You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at 12115night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only 12116love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or 12117know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only 12118one thing for it then -- to learn. Learn why the world wags and what 12119wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, 12120never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never 12121dream of regretting. Learning is the only thing for you. Look what a 12122lot of things there are to learn." 12123 -- T.H. White, "The Once and Future King" 12124% 12125The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them 12126is a match. 12127 -- Will Rogers 12128% 12129The bigger the theory the better. 12130% 12131The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse 12132time. 12133 -- Merrick Furst 12134% 12135The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time for Miss 12136Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public. 12137 12138It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance. Miss Manners has been 12139known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a curb, and, 12140in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a foot or two 12141under the dinner table. Miss Manners also believes that the sight of 12142people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand dresses up a 12143city considerably more than the more familiar sight of people shaking 12144umbrellas at one another. What Miss Manners objects to is the kind of 12145activity that frightens the horses on the street ... 12146% 12147The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch. 12148% 12149The bogosity meter just pegged. 12150% 12151The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up 12152in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school. 12153% 12154The Briggs/Chase Law of Program Development: 12155 To determine how long it will take to write and debug a 12156 program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, 12157 add one, and convert to the next higher units. 12158% 12159The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. 12160Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in 12161automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo. 12162 -- Art Buchwald 12163% 12164The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding 12165bureaucracy. 12166% 12167The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the 12168flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language. 12169% 12170The camel has a single hump; 12171The dromedary two; 12172Or else the other way around. 12173I'm never sure. Are you? 12174 -- Ogden Nash 12175% 12176The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly 12177greater than that of any other animals. Some of their most esteemed 12178inventions have no other apparent purpose, for example, the dinner 12179party of more than two, the epic poem, and the science of metaphysics. 12180 -- H. L. Mencken 12181% 12182The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain. 12183 -- G. Fitch 12184% 12185The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up 12186at the steam fitters' picnic. 12187% 12188The chief cause of problems is solutions. 12189 -- Eric Sevareid 12190% 12191The chief danger in life is that you may take too may precautions. 12192 -- Alfred Adler 12193% 12194The church is near but the road is icy; the bar is far away but I will 12195walk carefully. 12196 -- Russian Proverb 12197% 12198The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere. 12199% 12200The Computer made me do it. 12201% 12202The computing field is always in need of new cliches. 12203 -- Alan Perlis 12204% 12205The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his 12206memos. 12207 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 12208% 12209The conservation movement is a breeding ground of Communists and other 12210subversives. We intend to clean them out, even if it means rounding up 12211every bird watcher in the country. 12212 -- John Mitchell, Atty. General 1969-1972 12213% 12214The Consultant's Curse: 12215 When the customer has beaten upon you long enough, give him 12216what he asks for, instead of what he needs. This is very strong 12217medicine, and is normally only required once. 12218% 12219The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is 12220none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but." 12221Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period. 12222Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you 12223talked about. 12224 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 12225% 12226The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. 12227% 12228The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down. 12229% 12230The cow is nothing but a machine with makes grass fit for us people to 12231eat. 12232 -- John McNulty 12233% 12234The Crown is full of it! 12235 -- Nate Harris, 1775 12236% 12237The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should 12238therefore be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could 12239hardly be propagated. If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to 12240declare war and they are screened at once from scrutiny ... In war, 12241then, as in peace, assert the freedom of speech and of the press. 12242Cling to this as the bulwark of all our rights and privileges. 12243 -- William Ellery Channing 12244% 12245The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. 12246% 12247The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of 12248us who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching 12249Charlie Chaplin trying to cook a shoe. 12250% 12251The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary? 12252% 12253The devil finds work for idle circuits to do. 12254% 12255The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell 12256into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him 12257out again, it would be a calamity. 12258 -- Benjamin Disraeli 12259% 12260The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science 12261requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship. 12262 -- Robert Heinlein 12263% 12264The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle, as the 12265following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates: 12266 12267 "I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish. 12268Eddie Cantor's goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is 12269Jewish. Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous. 12270 "Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are goyish. 12271Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish. 12272Instant potatoes -- goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish. 12273Macaroons are ____very Jewish. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is 12274goyish. Lime soda is ____very goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that 12275Jews won't go near them ..." 12276 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 12277% 12278The District of Columbia has a law forbidding you to exert pressure on 12279a balloon and thereby cause a whistling sound on the streets. 12280% 12281The doctrine of human equality reposes on this: that there is no man 12282really clever who has not found that he is stupid. 12283 -- Gilbert K. Chesterson 12284% 12285The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show 12286off this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his 12287next hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the 12288duck fell, the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the 12289duck and returned it to his master. 12290 "Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly. 12291 "Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't swim." 12292% 12293The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late 12294and owns the worm farm. 12295 -- Travis McGee 12296% 12297The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier. 12298% 12299The easiest way to figure the cost of living is to take your income and 12300add ten percent. 12301% 12302The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on 12303weather forecasters. 12304 -- Jean-Paul Kauffmann 12305% 12306"The eleventh commandment was `Thou Shalt Compute' or `Thou Shalt Not 12307Compute' -- I forget which." 12308 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 12309% 12310The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of 12311civilization. 12312 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 12313% 12314The end of the world will occur at 3:00 p.m., this Friday, with 12315symposium to follow. 12316% 12317The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach 12318their children to speak it. 12319 -- G. B. Shaw 12320% 12321The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a 12322remarkable Christian forbearance among men. 12323 -- Ambrose Bierce 12324% 12325The fact that it works is immaterial. 12326 -- L. Ogborn 12327% 12328The faster we go, the rounder we get. 12329 -- The Grateful Dead 12330% 12331The Fifth Rule: 12332 You have taken yourself too seriously. 12333% 12334The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it. 12335 -- Abbie Hoffman 12336% 12337The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King 12338Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a 12339tragic death. He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad 12340forks. Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously 12341fled the city, complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of 12342threatening notes left on his breakfast tray. At the time, this looked 12343suspicious what with his father's death, and Carotene was suspected of 12344foul play. Then the rest of the King's relatives began to drop dead 12345one after the other in an odd fashion. Some were found strangled with 12346dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning. A few were found 12347drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants unknown 12348and beaten to death with a pot roast. At least three appear to have 12349thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture 12350of grief over the King's untimely end. Finally there was no one left 12351in Minas Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed 12352crown, and the rule of Twodor was up for grabs. The scullery slave 12353Parrafin bravely accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when 12354a lineal descendant of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful 12355throne, conquer Twodor's enemies, and revamp the postal system. 12356 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 12357% 12358The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of 12359management is that success equals skill. 12360 -- Robert Heller 12361% 12362The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish 12363child, was propounded to me by my father: 12364 "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and 12365whistles?" 12366 I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity 12367gave up. 12368 "A herring," said my father. 12369 "A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!" 12370 "So hang it there." 12371 "But a herring isn't green!" I protested. 12372 "Paint it." 12373 "But a herring isn't wet." 12374 "If it's just painted it's still wet." 12375 "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring 12376doesn't whistle!!" 12377 "Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it 12378hard." 12379 -- Leo Rosten, "The Joys of Yiddish" 12380% 12381"The first rule of magic is simple. Don't waste your time waving your 12382hands and hoping when a rock or a club will do." 12383 -- McCloctnik the Lucid 12384% 12385The First Rule of Program Optimization: 12386 Don't do it. 12387 12388The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!): 12389 Don't do it yet. 12390 -- Michael Jackson 12391% 12392The first time, it's a KLUDGE! 12393The second, a trick. 12394Later, it's a well-established technique! 12395 -- Mike Broido, Intermetrics 12396% 12397The following quote is from page 4-27 of the MSCP Basic Disk Functions 12398Manual which is part of the UDA50 Programmers Doc Kit manuals: 12399 12400As stated above, the host area of a disk is structured as a vector of 12401logical blocks. From a performance viewpoint, however, it is more 12402appropriate to view the host area as a four dimensional hyper-cube, the 12403four dimensions being cylinder, group, track, and sector. 12404 . . . 12405Referring to our hyper-cube analogy, the set of potentially accessible 12406blocks form a line parallel to the track axis. This line moves 12407parallel to the sector axis, wrapping around when it reaches the edge 12408of the hyper-cube. 12409% 12410The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and by 12411a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities. 12412% 12413The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and 12414vinyl. 12415 -- Dave Barry 12416% 12417The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the 12418number of your kids by 32 teeth. 12419% 12420The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to 12421chance. 12422% 12423The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness. 12424% 12425The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of the 12426center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South 12427Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South 12428End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End. 12429% 12430The giraffe you thought you offended last week is willing to be nuzzled 12431today. 12432% 12433The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at 12434least until we've finished building it. 12435% 12436The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. 12437The goal of nature is to build better mice. 12438% 12439The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him 12440love and he invented marriage. 12441% 12442THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES 12443 The one who has the gold makes the rules. 12444% 12445"The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who 12446make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians 12447have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine 12448man in the bonds of Hell." 12449 -- St. Augustine 12450% 12451The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got 12452to be good. 12453 -- John Barrymore 12454% 12455 "The Good Ship Enterprise" (to the tune of "The Good Ship Lollipop") 12456 12457On the good ship Enterprise 12458Every week there's a new surprise 12459Where the Romulans lurk 12460And the Klingons often go berserk. 12461 12462Yes, the good ship Enterprise 12463There's excitement anywhere it flies 12464Where Tribbles play 12465And Nurse Chapel never gets her way. 12466 12467 See Captain Kirk standing on the bridge, 12468 Mr. Spock is at his side. 12469 The weekly menace, ooh-ooh 12470 It gets fried, scattered far and wide. 12471 12472It's the good ship Enterprise 12473Heading out where danger lies 12474And you live in dread 12475If you're wearing a shirt that's red. 12476 -- Doris Robin and Karen Trimble of The L.A. Filkharmonics 12477% 12478The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of 12479statistics. These are raised to the _nth degree, the cube roots are 12480extracted, and the results are arranged into elaborate and impressive 12481displays. What must be kept ever in mind, however, is that in every 12482case, the figures are first put down by a village watchman, and he puts 12483down anything he damn well pleases. 12484 -- Sir Josiah Stamp 12485% 12486The grand leap of the whale up the Fall of Niagara is esteemed, by all 12487who have seen it, as one of the finest spectacles in nature. 12488 -- Benjamin Franklin. 12489% 12490The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog: 12491 The Gerat Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in courtship, 12492 his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk clerks. 12493 Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods of 12494 time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp 12495 Hedgehog Eater. 12496 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 12497% 12498The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men 12499of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding. 12500 -- Justice Louis D. Brandeis 12501% 12502The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax. 12503 -- Albert Einstein 12504% 12505The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom 12506whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, nohow. 12507% 12508The Heineken Uncertainty Principle: 12509 You can never be sure how many beers you had last night. 12510% 12511The herd instinct among economists makes sheep look like independent 12512thinkers. 12513% 12514The hieroglyphics are all unreadable except for a notation on the back, 12515which reads "Genuine authentic Egyptian papyrus. Guaranteed to be at 12516least 5000 years old." 12517% 12518The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for 12519lists of "Ten Best". 12520 -- H. Allen Smith 12521% 12522The human brain is like an enormous fish -- it is flat and slimy and 12523has gills through which it can see. 12524 -- Monty Python 12525% 12526The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of 12527its capacity -- the rest is overhead for the operating system. 12528% 12529The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange 12530protein -- it rejects it. 12531 -- P. Medawar 12532% 12533The human race has been fascinated by sharks for as long as I can 12534remember. Just like the bluebird feeding its young, or the spider 12535struggling to weave its perfect web, or the buttercup blooming in 12536spring, the shark reveals to us yet another of the infinite and 12537wonderful facets of nature, namely the facet that it can bite your head 12538off. This causes us humans to feel a certain degree of awe. 12539 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 12540% 12541The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. 12542 -- Mark Twain 12543% 12544The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that 12545procession but carrying a banner. 12546 -- Mark Twain 12547% 12548The idea is to die young as late as possible. 12549 -- Ashley Montague 12550% 12551The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic 12552devices, such as television sets and VCR's, to the destruction centers, 12553where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with 12554sledgehammers. With their devices thus permanently destroyed, 12555consumers would then be free to go out and buy new devices, rather than 12556have to fritter away years of their lives trying to have the old ones 12557repaired at so-called "factory service centers," which in fact consist 12558of two men named Lester poking at the insides of broken electronic 12559devices with cheap cigars and going, "Lookit all them WIRES in there!" 12560 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants" 12561% 12562The identical is equal to itself, since it is different. 12563 -- Franco Spisani 12564% 12565The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a bit longer. 12566 -- Henry Kissinger 12567% 12568The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf 12569has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know 12570when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr. 12571 -- Will Rogers 12572% 12573The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important 12574point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly 12575important thing to people. 12576 -- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King 12577% 12578The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the 12579number of participants. 12580 -- Adam Walinsky 12581% 12582The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided 12583by the number of people in the group. 12584% 12585The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free 12586information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a 12587dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a 12588real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless. 12589 12590So, for guidance, you want to look to big business. Big business never 12591pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big 12592consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes... 12593 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" 12594% 12595The Kennedy Constant: 12596 Don't get mad -- get even. 12597% 12598The Killer Ducks are coming!!! 12599% 12600The ladies men admire, I've heard, 12601Would shudder at a wicked word. 12602Their candle gives a single light; 12603They'd rather stay at home at night. 12604They do not keep awake till three, 12605Nor read erotic poetry. 12606They never sanction the impure, 12607Nor recognize an overture. 12608They shrink from powders and from paints... 12609So far, I've had no complaints. 12610 -- Dorothy Parker 12611% 12612The last time somebody said, "I find I can write much better with a 12613word processor," I replied, "They used to say the same thing about 12614drugs." 12615 -- Roy Blount, Jr. 12616% 12617The law will never make men free; it is men who have got to make the 12618law free. 12619 -- Henry David Thoreau 12620% 12621The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the 12622poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal 12623bread. 12624 -- Anatole France 12625% 12626The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all 12627men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the 12628universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we 12629presently imagine we own. 12630 -- H.G. Wells 12631% 12632 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10: SIMPLE 12633 12634SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Language 12635Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College for 12636Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code 12637with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN, 12638END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make 12639a syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful. Thus 12640they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without 12641the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging. 12642% 12643 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12: LITHP 12644 12645This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of 12646an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH". LITHP is said 12647to be useful in protheththing lithtth. 12648% 12649 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13: SLOBOL 12650 12651SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler. 12652Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they 12653compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the 12654coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom 12655sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to 12656compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but 12657infinitely faster) language, COCAINE. 12658% 12659 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17: SARTRE 12660 12661Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely 12662unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just 12663are. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. 12664SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at 12665parties. 12666% 12667 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18: C- 12668 12669This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he 12670submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is 12671best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the 12672language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code 12673statements to execute a given task. In this respect, it is very 12674similar to COBOL. 12675% 12676 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18a: FIFTH 12677 12678FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types 12679refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and 12680JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and 12681BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, 12682CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND. 12683 12684The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and 12685financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include 12686VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH 12687and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers 12688who end up using this language. 12689% 12690 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #2: RENE 12691 12692Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene 12693DesCartes, RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence. The 12694language is being developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics 12695and Programming under a grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund. A 12696spokesman described the language as "Just as great as dis [sic] city of 12697ours." 12698 12699The center is very pleased with progress to date. They say they have 12700almost succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the 12701organization say that each time the machine fails to think it ceases to 12702exist. 12703% 12704 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5: VALGOL 12705From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando Valley, 12706VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry. 12707 12708Here is a sample program: 12709 LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START 12710 IF PIZZA = LIKE BITCHEN AND GUY = LIKE TUBULAR AND 12711 VALLEY GIRL = LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2 THEN 12712 FOR I = LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100 12713 DO*WAH - (DITTY**2) 12714 BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT) 12715 SURE 12716 LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM 12717 REALLY 12718 LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW) 12719 IM*SURE 12720 GOTO THE MALL 12721 12722When the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message: 12723 12724 GAG ME WITH A SPOON!! 12725% 12726 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #8: LAIDBACK 12727 12728This language was developed at the Marin County Center for T'ai Chi, 12729Mellowness and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an alternative to 12730the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley. 12731 12732The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs 12733while they worked. Unfortunately few programmers could survive there 12734because the center outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of Tofu and 12735Perrier. 12736 12737Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle 12738and non-threatening language since all error messages are in lower 12739case. For example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the 12740message: 12741 "i hate to bother you, but i just can't relate to that. can 12742 you find the time to try it again?" 12743% 12744The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching 12745train. 12746% 12747The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon. 12748% 12749The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get 12750much sleep. 12751 -- Woody Allen 12752% 12753The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself. 12754 -- Henry Kissinger 12755% 12756The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as 12757we could with both of them. 12758 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" 12759% 12760The makers may make 12761And the users may use, 12762But the fixers must fix 12763With but minimal clues 12764% 12765The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the 12766crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no 12767one has ever been. 12768 -- Alan Ashley-Pitt 12769% 12770The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that 12771will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful. 12772 -- Mark Twain. 12773% 12774The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a 12775soda can, when discarded will last forever ... and a $7,000 car which 12776when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years. 12777% 12778"... the Mayo Clinic, named after its founder, Dr. Ted Clinic ..." 12779 -- Dave Barry 12780% 12781The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse. 12782% 12783 The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the 12784klutz said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream." 12785 12786 "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?" 12787 12788 "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?" 12789% 12790The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to 12791devise and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation. 12792 -- Lew Mammel, Jr. 12793% 12794The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might 12795be general systems laws. For example, Frank Harary once suggested the 12796law that any field that had the word "science" in its name was 12797guaranteed thereby not to be a science. He would cite as examples 12798Military Science, Library Science, Political Science, Homemaking 12799Science, Social Science, and Computer Science. Discuss the generality 12800of this law, and possible reasons for its predictive 12801power. 12802 -- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems 12803 Thinking." 12804% 12805The modern child will answer you back before you've said anything. 12806 -- Laurence J. Peter 12807% 12808The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me. 12809 -- Nicol Williamson 12810% 12811The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader. 12812% 12813The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away. 12814% 12815The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the 12816lower the mailing cost. 12817 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 12818% 12819The more laws and order are made prominent, 12820the more thieves and robbers there will be. 12821 -- Lao Tsu 12822% 12823The more things change, the more they stay insane. 12824% 12825The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us 12826is right. 12827% 12828The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey. 12829 -- Andy Warhol 12830% 12831The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and 12832to watch someone else do it wrong without comment. 12833 -- Theodore H. White 12834% 12835The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new 12836discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..." 12837 -- Isaac Asimov 12838% 12839The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on. 12840% 12841... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!! 12842% 12843 "... The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!" 12844 "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to 12845feel interested. 12846 "No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little 12847vexed. "That's what the name is called. The name really is, 'The Aged 12848Aged Man.'" 12849 "Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?" 12850Alice corrected herself. 12851 "No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is 12852called 'Ways and Means': but that's only what it is called you know!" 12853 "Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this time 12854completely bewildered. 12855 "I was coming to that," the Knight said. "The song really is 12856"A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention." 12857 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" 12858% 12859"The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in 128601986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert." 12861 -- D. Letterman 12862% 12863The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says: 12864 Support your right to bare arms! 12865% 12866The net of law is spread so wide, 12867No sinner from its sweep may hide. 12868Its meshes are so fine and strong, 12869They take in every child of wrong. 12870O wondrous web of mystery! 12871Big fish alone escape from thee! 12872 -- James Jeffrey Roche 12873% 12874The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around. I 12875hope I don't get run over again. 12876% 12877The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory, 12878in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system. 12879 12880 But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay: for 12881 whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil. 12882 -- Matthew 5:37 12883% 12884"The New York Times is read by the people who run the country. The 12885Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country. 12886The National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive 12887and running the country ..." 12888 -- Robert J Woodhead 12889% 12890The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to 12891choose from. 12892 -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum 12893% 12894The notion of a "record" is an obsolete remnant of the days of the 1289580-column card. 12896 -- Dennis M. Ritchie 12897% 12898The notion that the church, the press, and the universities should 12899serve the state is essentially a Communist notion ... In a free society 12900these institutions must be wholly free -- which is to say that their 12901function is to serve as checks upon the state. 12902 -- Alan Barth 12903% 12904The number of arguments is unimportant unless some of them are 12905correct. 12906 -- Ralph Hartley 12907% 12908The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly 12909analyze all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their 12910occurrence, have answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve 12911these problems when called upon. 12912 12913However, when you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to 12914remind yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp. 12915% 12916The Official MBA Handbook on business cards: 12917 Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the Realm, 12918 Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director of Corporate 12919 Planning." 12920% 12921The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy. 12922% 12923The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age 12924brings wisdom. 12925 -- H. L. Mencken 12926% 12927The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. Let the reader 12928catch his own breath. 12929 -- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart 12930% 12931The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when 12932to cringe. 12933% 12934The only possible interpretation of any research whatever in the 12935`social sciences' is: some do, some don't. 12936 -- Ernest Rutherford 12937% 12938The only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can never stop 12939and take a rest. 12940% 12941The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon. 12942 -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and 12943 Over and Over" 12944% 12945The only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it. 12946% 12947The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber 12948has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, 12949finished, and put inside boxes. 12950 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 12951% 12952The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. 12953It is never any use to oneself. 12954 -- Oscar Wilde 12955% 12956The only thing we learn from history is that we learn nothing from 12957history. 12958 -- Hegel 12959 12960I know guys can't learn from yesterday ... Hegel must be taking the 12961long view. 12962 -- John Brunner, "Stand on Zanzibar" 12963% 12964The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. 12965 -- Oscar Wilde 12966% 12967The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up 12968until 5 or 6 p.m. 12969% 12970The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. 12971 -- Bohr 12972% 12973The optimum committee has no members. 12974 -- Norman Augustine 12975% 12976The other day I put instant coffee in my microwave oven ... I almost 12977went back in time. 12978 -- Steven Wright 12979% 12980The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because 12981it isn't here. 12982 -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley) 12983% 12984The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it 12985were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence. 12986 -- H. L. Mencken 12987% 12988 The people of Halifax invented the trampoline. During the 12989Victorian period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a 12990large wooden frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress' 12991it. The tripoline, as they called it, degenerated into becoming the 12992apparatus for a spectator sport. 12993 12994 The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for 12995castrating pigs during Sunday service. 12996 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 12997% 12998The Pig, if I am not mistaken, 12999Gives us ham and pork and Bacon. 13000Let others think his heart is big, 13001I think it stupid of the Pig. 13002 -- Ogden Nash 13003% 13004The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter 13005swang and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the 13006batter connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The 13007center fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute 13008his eyes were blound by the sun and he dropped it. 13009 -- Dizzy Dean 13010% 13011The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose. 13012 -- David Lardner 13013% 13014The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish 13015to be addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified. But it 13016is equally important to accept and tolerate different standards of 13017courtesy, not expecting everyone else to adapt to one's own 13018preferences. Only then can we hope to restore the insult to its proper 13019social function of expressing true distaste. 13020 -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to 13021 Excruciatingly Correct Behavior" 13022% 13023The porcupine with the sharpest quills gets stuck on a tree more often. 13024% 13025The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher, 13026 Were each of them once a kiddie. 13027A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature. 13028 Do I want one? God Forbiddie! 13029 -- Ogden Nash 13030% 13031The President publicly apologized today to all those offended by his 13032brother's remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than there is 13033Jews!". Those offended include Arabs, Jews, and English teachers. 13034 -- Baltimore, Channel 11 News, on Jimmy Carter 13035% 13036The price of seeking to force our beliefs on others is that someday 13037they might force their beliefs on us. 13038 -- Mario Cuomo 13039% 13040The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired 13041warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by 13042changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped 13043marker. 13044 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 13045% 13046The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to 13047constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every 13048appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA 13049statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This 13050also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change. 13051 -- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers 13052% 13053The primary requisite for any new tax law is for it to exempt enough 13054voters to win the next election. 13055% 13056The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO" 13057represents the secondary theme: 13058 13059 Law Enforcement Officials 13060 13061The overall theme of SoupCon shall be: 13062 13063 Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials 13064 13065 -- M. Gallaher 13066% 13067... the privileged being which we call human is distinguished from 13068other animals only by certain double-edged manifestations which in 13069charity we can only call "inhuman." 13070 -- R. A. Lafferty 13071% 13072The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the 13073stupidity of your action. 13074% 13075The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with. 13076Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil 13077using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle 13078Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats, 13079etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous 13080bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons. None 13081of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats 13082developed cancer. 13083 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" 13084% 13085The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go 13086to erase it. 13087 -- Glaser and Way 13088% 13089The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to get 13090results. 13091 13092The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy 13093problems in order to get results. 13094 13095The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at toy 13096problems in order to get results. 13097% 13098The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be 13099pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues. 13100 -- Elizabeth Taylor 13101% 13102The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 13103% 13104The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's 13105outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by 13106mistake since its colors are those of the London Reform Club. Once 13107tied around its victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims 13108the insurance before running off to Germany where it lives in hiding. 13109 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 13110% 13111"The pyramid is opening!" 13112"Which one?" 13113"The one with the ever-widening hole in it!" 13114 -- Firesign Theater, "How Can You Be In Two Places At 13115 Once When You're Not Anywhere At All" 13116% 13117The qotc (quote of the con) was Liz's: 13118 "My brain is paged out to my liver" 13119% 13120The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What is 13121it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television, 13122that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of 13123industrial waste? 13124 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics" 13125% 13126The rain it raineth on the just 13127 And also on the unjust fella, 13128But chiefly on the just, because 13129 The unjust steals the just's umbrella. 13130 --Lord Bowen 13131% 13132The reader this message encounters not failing to understand is 13133cursed. 13134% 13135The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much. 13136% 13137The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose", 13138which is also sometimes called "grape sugar", and also because "Grape 13139Nuts" is catchier, in terms of marketing, than "A Cross Between Gerbil 13140Food and Gravel", which is what it tastes like. 13141 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" 13142% 13143The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one 13144persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all 13145progress depends on the unreasonable man. 13146 -- George Bernard Shaw 13147% 13148The revolution will not be televised. 13149% 13150The reward of a thing well done is to have done it. 13151 -- Emerson 13152% 13153The rhino is a homely beast, 13154For human eyes he's not a feast. 13155Farewell, farewell, you old rhinoceros, 13156I'll stare at something less prepoceros. 13157 -- Ogden Nash 13158% 13159The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This 13160means that only left handed people are in their right mind. 13161% 13162"The Right Honorable Gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests 13163and to his imagination for his facts." 13164 -- Sheridan 13165% 13166The right to revolt has sources deep in our history. 13167 -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas 13168% 13169The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the 13170House Un-American Activities Committee]. We will determine what rights 13171you have and what rights you have not got. 13172 -- J. Parnell Thomas 13173% 13174The road to hell is paved with good intentions. And littered with 13175sloppy analysis! 13176% 13177The Roman Rule 13178 The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the 13179 one who is doing it. 13180% 13181The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in 13182his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on 13183one leg. The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't 13184take it too seriously. 13185 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 13186% 13187The rule on staying alive as a forecaster is to give 'em a number or 13188give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once. 13189 -- Jane Bryant Quinn 13190% 13191"The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography" 13192% 13193The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100 13194showed that all had these things in common: 13195 13196 (1) They all had moderate appetites. 13197 (2) They all came from middle class homes 13198 (3) All but two of them were dead. 13199% 13200The scum also rises. 13201 -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson 13202% 13203The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes, 13204respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven milestones 13205from man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the 13206milestones are lifted. 13207 -- George Bernard Shaw 13208% 13209 The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood 13210as he reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all. 13211The Gray Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in 13212the palace of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in 13213twenty-five of him are dead, he is alive. 13214 13215 "Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached 13216everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a 13217fierce host which out-numbers Lankhmar's inhabitants by fifty to one -- 13218and equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city." 13219 13220 "How?" demanded Fafhrd. 13221 13222 Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know." 13223 -- Fritz Leiber, from "The Swords of Lankhmar" 13224% 13225The sheep that fly over your head are soon to land. 13226% 13227The shortest distance between two points is under construction. 13228 -- Noelie Alito 13229% 13230The Sixth Commandment of Frisbee: 13231 The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going 13232in a direction you did not want. (Goes the wrong way = Goes a long 13233way.) 13234 -- Dan Roddick 13235% 13236The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity 13237and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted 13238activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy ... 13239neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water. 13240% 13241The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their money. 13242 -- Ed Bluestone, "The National Lampoon" 13243% 13244The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up! 13245% 13246The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be 13247able to correct them. 13248 -- Nicolaides 13249% 13250The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears. 13251% 13252The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average Russian's 13253readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement of 13254some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet 13255reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led 13256the field for many years in both chess and ax murders. It is well 13257known that as early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at 13258Reykjavik would do to national prestige, implemented a vigorous program 13259of preparation and incentive. Every day for an entire year, a team of 13260psychologists, chess analysts and coaches met with the top three 13261Russian grand masters and threatened them with a pointy stick. That 13262these tactics proved fruitless is now a part of chess history and a 13263further testament to the American way, which provides that if you want 13264something badly enough, you can always go to Iceland and get it from 13265the Russians. 13266 -- Marshall Brickman, Playboy, April, 1973 13267% 13268 The STAR WARS Song 13269 Sung to the tune of "Lola", by the Kinks: 13270 13271I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah 13272Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda 13273 S-O-D-A soda 13274I saw the little runt sitting there on a log 13275I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda 13276 Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda 13277 13278Well I've been around but I ain't never seen 13279A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green 13280 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda 13281Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand 13282How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand 13283 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda 13284% 13285The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub. 13286% 13287The steady state of disks is full. 13288 -- Ken Thompson 13289% 13290 THE STORY OF CREATION 13291 or 13292 THE MYTH OF URK 13293 13294In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null, 13295and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM 13296was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there be 13297registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they carried; 13298and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called the data 13299Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was evening 13300and there was morning, one interrupt. 13301 -- Rico Tudor 13302% 13303The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make 13304them unsafe. 13305 -- Mayor Frank Rizzo 13306% 13307The student in question is performing minimally for his peer group and 13308is an emerging underachiever. 13309% 13310The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant 13311biology. 13312% 13313"The subspace _W inherits the other 8 properties of _V. And there aren't 13314even any property taxes." 13315 -- J. MacKay, Mathematics 134b 13316% 13317The sum of the Universe is zero. 13318% 13319The sun was shining on the sea, 13320Shining with all his might: 13321He did his very best to make 13322The billows smooth and bright -- 13323And this was very odd, because it was 13324The middle of the night. 13325 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" 13326% 13327The superfluous is very necessary. 13328 -- Voltaire 13329% 13330The surest protection against temptation is cowardice. 13331 -- Mark Twain 13332% 13333The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our 13334authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as 13335the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as 13336the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much 13337radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much 13338as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we 13339receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the 13340Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will 13341heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to 13342the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much 13343heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for 13344radiation, (_H/_E)^4 = 50, where _E is the absolute temperature of the 13345earth (-300K), gives _H as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell 13346cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the 13347fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which 13348burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means 13349that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C. We 13350have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C. 13351 -- From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972 13352% 13353The Third Law of Photography: 13354 If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined 13355 when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of 13356 the dark leaks out. 13357% 13358The Three Laws of Thermodynamics: 13359 13360 (1) You can't get anything without working for it. 13361 (2) The most you can accomplish by working is to break even. 13362 (3) You can only break even at absolute zero. 13363% 13364 The Three Major Kind of Tools 13365 13366* Tools for hitting things to make them loose or to tighten them up or 13367 jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a 13368 manner that they function perfectly. (These are your hammers, maces, 13369 bludgeons, and truncheons.) 13370 13371* Tools that, if dropped properly, can penetrate your foot. (Awls) 13372 13373* Tools that nobody should ever use because the potential danger is far 13374 greater than the value of any project that could possibly result. 13375 (Power saws, power drills, power staplers, any kind of tool that uses 13376 any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.) 13377 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 13378% 13379The trouble with a kitten is that 13380When it grows up, it's always a cat 13381 -- Ogden Nash. 13382% 13383The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time. 13384% 13385The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate 13386it. 13387 -- Franklin P. Jones 13388% 13389The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing 13390more important to do. 13391% 13392The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody 13393appreciates how difficult it was. 13394% 13395The trouble with superheros is what to do between phone booths. 13396 -- Ken Kesey 13397% 13398The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie. 13399 -- Lenny Bruce 13400% 13401The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility. 13402And vice versa. 13403% 13404The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks 13405Which practically conceal its sex. 13406I think it clever of the turtle 13407In such a fix to be so fertile. 13408 -- Ogden Nash 13409% 13410The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. 13411 -- Harlan Ellison 13412% 13413The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more 13414annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation. 13415 -- Oscar Wilde 13416% 13417The United States also has its native Fascists who say that they are 13418"100 percent American"... 13419 -- U. S. Army (1945) 13420% 13421The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to 13422everybody and still nobody likes him. 13423 -- Jim Samuels 13424% 13425The universe does not have laws -- it has habits, and habits can be 13426broken. 13427% 13428The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination -- but the 13429combination is locked up in the safe. 13430 -- Peter DeVries 13431% 13432The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie 13433Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall. Philbin is said 13434to make up for no talent by cheating well. Says Philbin of his 13435decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride." 13436% 13437The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and 13438religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging 13439from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its 13440yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledygook than the rest of the 13441world put together. 13442 -- Sir Peter Medawar 13443% 13444The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be 13445regarded as a criminal offense. 13446 -- E. W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 13447% 13448The verdict of a jury is the a priori opinion of that juror who smokes 13449the worst cigars. 13450 -- H. L. Mencken 13451% 13452The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid 13453prejudice. 13454 -- Mark Twain 13455% 13456The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. 13457Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts 13458to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to 13459be one of the facts that needs altering. 13460 -- Doctor Who, "Face of Evil" 13461% 13462The voters have spoken, the bastards ... 13463% 13464"The wages of sin are death; but after they're done taking out taxes, 13465it's just a tired feeling:" 13466% 13467The wages of sin are high but you get your money's worth. 13468% 13469"The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity 13470that would be clearly understood." 13471 -- Alexander Haig 13472% 13473The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start 13474with a large fortune. 13475% 13476The wind doth taste so bitter sweet, 13477 Like Jaspar wine and sugar, 13478It must have blown through someone's feet, 13479 Like those of Caspar Weinberger. 13480 -- P. Opus 13481% 13482 THE WOMBAT 13483 13484The wombat lives across the seas, 13485Among the far Antipodes. 13486He may exist on nuts and berries, 13487Or then again, on missionaries; 13488His distant habitat precludes 13489Conclusive knowledge of his moods. 13490But I would not engage the wombat 13491In any form of mortal combat. 13492% 13493The world is coming to an end ... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!! 13494% 13495The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books! 13496% 13497The world is coming to an end. Please log off. 13498% 13499The world's as ugly as sin, 13500And almost as delightful. 13501 -- Frederick Locker-Lampson 13502% 13503The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of 13504four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all 13505the answers. 13506% 13507Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations. 13508 13509He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan, 13510then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open 13511market. 13512 13513If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he should 13514not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of himself. 13515 13516Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree. 13517Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg. 13518Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower. 13519 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 13520% 13521Then here's to the City of Boston, 13522The town of the cries and the groans. 13523Where the Cabots can't see the Kabotschniks, 13524And the Lowells won't speak to the Cohns. 13525 -- Franklin Pierce Adams 13526% 13527 THEORY 13528Into love and out again, 13529 Thus I went and thus I go. 13530Spare your voice, and hold your pen: 13531 Well and bitterly I know 13532All the songs were ever sung, 13533 All the words were ever said; 13534Could it be, when I was young, 13535 Someone dropped me on my head? 13536 -- Dorothy Parker 13537% 13538There *__is* intelligent life on Earth, but I leave for Texas on Monday. 13539% 13540There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, 13541and praiseworthy ... 13542 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 13543% 13544There are many intelligent species in the universe. They all own 13545cats. 13546% 13547There are no data that cannot be plotted on a straight line if the axis 13548are chosen correctly. 13549% 13550There are no games on this system. 13551% 13552There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the 13553existence of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any 13554marginally competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat 13555engine and make some other part of hell comfortably cool. This is 13556obviously impossible. 13557 -- Richard Davisson 13558% 13559There are people so addicted to exaggeration 13560that they can't tell the truth without lying. 13561 -- Josh Billings 13562% 13563There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a 13564vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone. 13565 -- Gloria Steinem 13566% 13567 There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that 13568someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named 13569Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or 13570Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that 13571every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is 13572this? 13573 Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for 13574centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think ___you 13575can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's 13576forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster 13577-- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't 13578even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover 13579why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance. 13580 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 13581% 13582There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both 13583plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis; 13584and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again, 13585don't we all? 13586% 13587There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells 13588and fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated 13589pools here and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving 13590them parched for wonder. There are also those who believe that if you 13591stick your fingers up your nose and blow, it will increase your 13592intelligence. 13593 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII 13594% 13595There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics. 13596 -- Benjamin Disraeli 13597% 13598There are three possibilities: 13599Pioneer's solar panel has turned away from the sun; 13600there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or 13601someone loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor. 13602% 13603There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be 13604offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin 13605a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount 13606of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of 13607affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. 13608When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. 13609Under no circumstances can the food be omitted. 13610 -- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior 13611% 13612There are three principal ways to lose money: wine, women, and 13613engineers. While the first two are more pleasant, the third is by far 13614the more certain. 13615 -- Baron Rothschild, ca. 1800 13616% 13617There are three schools of magic. One: State a tautology, then ring 13618the changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy. Two: Record many 13619facts. Try to find a pattern. Then make a wrong guess at the next 13620fact; that's science. Three: Be aware that you live in a malevolent 13621Universe controlled by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's 13622Factor; that's engineering. 13623% 13624There are three things I always forget. Names, faces -- the third I 13625can't remember. 13626 -- Italo Svevo 13627% 13628There are three ways to get something done: 13629 (1) Do it yourself. 13630 (2) Hire someone to do it for you. 13631 (3) Forbid your kids to do it. 13632% 13633There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire 13634someone, or forbid your kids to do it. 13635% 13636There are times when truth is stranger than fiction and lunch time is 13637one of them. 13638% 13639There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect 13640the sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the 13641sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too. 13642 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" 13643% 13644There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good 13645sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more. 13646 -- Woody Allen 13647% 13648"There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to 13649make is so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the 13650other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious 13651deficiencies." 13652 -- C. A. R. Hoare 13653% 13654There are two ways of disliking poetry: one way is to dislike it, the 13655other is to read Pope. 13656 -- Oscar Wilde 13657% 13658There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one 13659works. 13660% 13661There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a 13662suitable application of high explosives. 13663% 13664There can be no twisted thought without a twisted molecule. 13665 -- R. W. Gerard 13666% 13667There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. 13668 -- Henry Kissinger 13669% 13670There exist tasks which cannot be done by more than 10 men or fewer 13671than 100. 13672 -- Steele's Law 13673% 13674There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know 13675nothing about. 13676% 13677There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an 13678opinion. 13679 -- Anatole France 13680% 13681There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of 13682paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write. 13683% 13684There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder. 13685% 13686There is a Massachusetts law requiring all dogs to have their hind legs 13687tied during the month of April. 13688% 13689There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish. 13690 -- Walt Disney 13691% 13692There is a road to freedom. Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor, 13693Honesty, Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and 13694love of the Fatherland. 13695 -- Adolf Hitler 13696% 13697There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly 13698what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly 13699disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and 13700inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has 13701already happened. 13702 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 13703% 13704There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a 13705vacuum. 13706 -- Arthur C. Clarke 13707% 13708There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. 13709 -- Mark Twain 13710% 13711There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the 13712tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not 13713abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and 13714war hold him in check. And also the wife who wants him home by five, 13715of course. 13716 -- Encyclopedia Apocryphia, 1990 ed. 13717% 13718There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home. 13719 -- Ken Olson, President of DEC, World Future Society 13720 Convention, 1977 13721% 13722There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it. 13723 -- G. B. Shaw 13724% 13725There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast 13726reflexes. 13727% 13728There is no such thing as fortune. Try again. 13729% 13730There is no time like the pleasant. 13731% 13732There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be 13733doing. 13734% 13735There is no TRUTH. There is no REALITY. There is no CONSISTENCY. 13736There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS I'm very probably wrong. 13737% 13738"There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine," 13739said a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat. 13740 "And yet just a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar 13741with an unanswerable question," said Nasrudin. 13742 "I could have answered it if I had been there." 13743 "Very well. He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in 13744the middle of the night?'" 13745% 13746There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the 13747ocean level wouldn't cure. 13748 -- Ross MacDonald 13749% 13750There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and 13751that is not being talked about. 13752 -- Oscar Wilde 13753% 13754There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale 13755returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact. 13756 -- Mark Twain 13757% 13758There once was a girl named Irene 13759Who lived on distilled kerosene 13760 But she started absorbin' 13761 A new hydrocarbon 13762And since then has never benzene. 13763% 13764There once was a member of Mensa 13765Who was a most excellent fencer. 13766 The sword that he used 13767 Was his -- (line is refused, 13768And has now been removed by the censor). 13769% 13770There once was an old man from Esser, 13771Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser. 13772 It at last grew so small, 13773 He knew nothing at all, 13774And now he's a College Professor. 13775% 13776There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it. 13777 -- C. S. Lewis, The Chronicles of Narnia 13778% 13779There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were 13780left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley. 13781Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so they 13782started debating who should be allowed to stay. 13783 13784The Pope pointed out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all 13785over the world, the President explained that if he died then America 13786would be stuck with the Vice-President, and so forth. Then Mayor Daley 13787said, "Look! We're not solving anything like this! The only fair 13788thing to do is to vote on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97 13789votes. 13790% 13791There was a young lady from Hyde 13792Who ate a green apple and died. 13793 While her lover lamented 13794 The apple fermented 13795And made cider inside her inside. 13796% 13797There was a young man who said "God, 13798I find it exceedingly odd, 13799 That the willow oak tree 13800 Continues to be, 13801When there's no one about in the Quad." 13802 13803"Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd, 13804For I'm always about in the Quad; 13805 And that's why the tree, 13806 Continues to be," 13807Signed "Yours faithfully, God." 13808% 13809There was a young poet named Dan, 13810Whose poetry never would scan. 13811 When told this was so, 13812 He said, "Yes, I know. 13813% 13814There was a young poet named Dan, 13815Whose poetry never would scan. 13816 When told this was so, 13817 He said, "Yes, I know. 13818It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can." 13819% 13820"There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: 13821both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to 13822talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him 13823during the trial." 13824 -- David Letterman 13825% 13826There were in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of 13827the two had the following record: the Vietnam War, Watergate, double- 13828digit inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the 138298-cent postcard. The second was responsible for such things as the 13830transistor, the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity 13831stereo recording, sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative 13832feedback, magnetic tape, magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching 13833systems, microwave radio and TV relay systems, information theory, the 13834first electrical digital computer, and the first communications 13835satellite. Guess which one got to tell the other how to run the 13836telephone business? 13837% 13838There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not 13839a fence. 13840% 13841There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to. 13842% 13843There's little in taking or giving, 13844 There's little in water or wine: 13845This living, this living, this living, 13846 Was never a project of mine. 13847Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is 13848 The gain of the one at the top, 13849For art is a form of catharsis, 13850 And love is a permanent flop, 13851And work is the province of cattle, 13852 And rest's for a clam in a shell, 13853So I'm thinking of throwing the battle -- 13854 Would you kindly direct me to hell? 13855 -- Dorothy Parker 13856% 13857There's no easy quick way out, we're gonna have to live through our 13858whole lives, win, lose, or draw. 13859 -- Walt Kelly 13860% 13861There's no future in time travel. 13862% 13863There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes. 13864 -- Dr. Who 13865% 13866There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get 13867any worse. 13868% 13869There's no room in the drug world for amateurs. 13870% 13871There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government 13872working for you. 13873 -- Will Rodgers 13874% 13875There's nothing in the middle of the road but a yellow stripe and dead 13876armadillos. 13877 -- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner 13878% 13879There's nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won't 13880aggravate. 13881% 13882There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn 13883what it is I'll get married again. 13884 -- Clint Eastwood 13885% 13886There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is 13887becoming an endangered synthetic. 13888 -- Lily Tomlin 13889% 13890"These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!" 13891"These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!" 13892"These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP 13893out of MEGATON MAN!" 13894% 13895These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what they 13896used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink. 13897% 13898They also surf who only stand on waves. 13899% 13900They make a desert and call it peace. 13901 -- Tacitus (55?-120?) 13902% 13903They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners 13904always spell better than they pronounce. 13905 -- Mark Twain 13906% 13907They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary 13908safety deserve neither liberty nor safety. 13909 -- Benjamin Franklin, 1759 13910% 13911They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them! 13912% 13913They told me you had proven it When they discovered our results 13914 About a month before. Their hair began to curl 13915The proof was valid, more or less Instead of understanding it 13916 But rather less than more. We'd run the thing through PRL. 13917 13918He sent them word that we would try Don't tell a soul about all this 13919 To pass where they had failed For it must ever be 13920And after we were done, to them A secret, kept from all the rest 13921 The new proof would be mailed. Between yourself and me. 13922 13923My notion was to start again 13924 Ignoring all they'd done 13925We quickly turned it into code 13926 To see if it would run. 13927% 13928They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid! 13929% 13930They're unfriendly, which is fortunate, really. They'd be difficult to like. 13931 -- Avon 13932% 13933Things are more like they used to be than they are now. 13934% 13935Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face. 13936% 13937Think big. Pollute the Mississippi. 13938% 13939Think honk if you're a telepath. 13940% 13941Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.! 13942% 13943Think of your family tonight. Try to crawl home after the computer 13944crashes. 13945% 13946Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click". 13947% 13948"Thirty days hath Septober, 13949April, June, and no wonder. 13950all the rest have peanut butter 13951except my father who wears red suspenders." 13952% 13953This Fortue Examined By INSPECTOR NO. 2-14 13954% 13955This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate need, 13956please use the program "________randchar". This program generates random 13957characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come up with 13958something profound. It will, however, take it no time at all to be 13959more profound than THIS program has ever been. 13960% 13961This fortune intentionally not included. 13962% 13963This fortune is false. 13964% 13965This fortune is inoperative. Please try another. 13966% 13967This is a country where people are free to practice their religion, 13968regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling keys... 13969% 13970This is a job for BOB VIOLENCE and SCUM, the INCREDIBLY STUPID MUTANT DOG. 13971 -- Bob Violence 13972% 13973This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. If this had been an 13974actual emergency, do you really think we'd stick around to tell you? 13975% 13976This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly, 13977because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under 13978which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has 13979"deregulated" the airline industry. What this means for you, the 13980consumer, is that the airlines are no longer required to follow any 13981rules whatsoever. They can show snuff movies. They can charge for 13982oxygen. They can hire pilots right out of Vending Machine Refill 13983Person School. They can conserve fuel by ejecting husky passengers 13984over water. They can ram competing planes in mid-air. These 13985innovations have resulted in tremendous cost savings which have been 13986passed along to you, the consumer, in the form of flights with 13987amazingly low fares, such as $29. Of course, certain restrictions do 13988apply, the main one being that all these flights take you to Newark, 13989and you must pay thousands of dollars if you want to fly back out. 13990 -- Dave Barry, "Iowa -- Land of Secure Vacations" 13991% 13992This is an unauthorized cybernetic announcement. 13993% 13994This is for all ill-treated fellows 13995 Unborn and unbegot, 13996For them to read when they're in trouble 13997 And I am not. 13998 -- A. E. Housman 13999% 14000"This is lemma 1.1. We start a new chapter so the numbers all go back 14001to one." 14002 -- Prof. Seager, C&O 351 14003% 14004This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week. 14005% 14006THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM 14007 14008If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your 14009contribution of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue 14010without your support. Less than 14% of all fortune users are 14011contributors. That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride. We 14012can't go on like this much longer. Federal cutbacks mean less money 14013for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase to make up the 14014difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between midnight 14015and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to 14016"fortune". Just type in your favorite pithy saying. Do it now before 14017you forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week. 14018Don't miss out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute 1401930 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The 14020Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide. If you contribute 50 or 14021more, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug .... 14022% 14023This is the ____LAST time I take travel suggestions from Ray Bradbury! 14024% 14025This is the first numerical problem I ever did. It demonstrates the 14026power of computers: 14027 14028Enter lots of data on calorie & nutritive content of foods. Instruct 14029the thing to maximize a function describing nutritive content, with a 14030minimum level of each component, for fixed caloric content. The 14031results are that one should eat each day: 14032 14033 1/2 chicken 14034 1 egg 14035 1 glass of skim milk 14036 27 heads of lettuce. 14037 -- Rev. Adrian Melott 14038% 14039This is the story of the bee 14040Whose sex is very hard to see 14041 14042You cannot tell the he from the she 14043But she can tell, and so can he 14044 14045The little bee is never still 14046She has no time to take the pill 14047 14048And that is why, in times like these 14049There are so many sons of bees. 14050% 14051This is your fortune. 14052% 14053This land is full of trousers! 14054this land is full of mausers! 14055 And pussycats to eat them when the sun goes down! 14056 -- Firesign Theater 14057% 14058This land is made of mountains, 14059This land is made of mud, 14060This land has lots of everything, 14061For me and Elmer Fudd. 14062 14063This land has lots of trousers, 14064This land has lots of mousers, 14065And pussycats to eat them 14066When the sun goes down. 14067% 14068This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual life, 14069you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where 14070to go. 14071% 14072This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88 14073% 14074This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with 14075great force. 14076 -- Dorothy Parker 14077% 14078This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of 14079the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many 14080solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were 14081largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, 14082which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of 14083paper that were unhappy. 14084 -- Douglas Adams 14085% 14086This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does 14087something child-like. 14088 -- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454 14089% 14090This quote is taken from the Diamondback, the University of Maryland 14091student newspaper, of Tuesday, 3/10/87. 14092 14093 One disadvantage of the Univac system is that it does not use 14094 Unix, a recently developed program which translates from one 14095 computer language to another and has a built-in editing system 14096 which identifies errors in the original program. 14097% 14098This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't. 14099 -- Hofstadter 14100% 14101... This striving for excellence extends into people's personal lives 14102as well. When '80s people buy something, they buy the best one, as 14103determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability. Eighties people 14104buy imported dental floss. They buy gourmet baking soda. If an '80s 14105couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a reservation three 14106weeks in advance, and they are informed that their table is available, 14107they stalk out immediately, because they know it is not an excellent 14108restaurant. If it were, it would have an enormous crowd of 14109excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their beepers going 14110off like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant wouldn't have 14111a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of Liza Minnelli. 14112 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 14113% 14114This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it. 14115% 14116 Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire 14117rainbow of legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better 14118than he does. 14119 As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about 14120it. I am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily 14121sane. But we will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we 14122consider his exterior a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is 14123being eaten alive by tinhorn politicians. 14124 The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can 14125do for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his 14126honor. From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can 14127be as easily led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public 14128relations, to joy as to bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter 14129Thompson's disease. I don't have it this morning. It comes and goes. 14130This morning I don't have Hunter Thompson's disease. 14131 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr. on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt 14132 from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear 14133 and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72" 14134% 14135Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those 14136of us who do. 14137% 14138Those who can't write, write manuals. 14139% 14140Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate. 14141% 14142Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics. 14143 -- French Proverb 14144% 14145Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly. 14146 -- Henry Spencer 14147% 14148Those who educate children well are more to be honored than parents, 14149for these only gave life, those the art of living well. 14150 -- Aristotle 14151% 14152Those who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often 14153surprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law. 14154 -- Mark B. Cohen 14155% 14156Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose. 14157% 14158Those who make peaceful revolution impossible 14159will make violent revolution inevitable. 14160 -- John F. Kennedy 14161% 14162Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet deprecate agitation, are 14163men who want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean 14164without the roar of its many waters. 14165 -- Frederick Douglass 14166% 14167Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are 14168the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with 14169Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether -- 14170whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation ... A 14171fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any 14172more about the matter than the others. 14173 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 14174% 14175Time flies like an arrow 14176Fruit flies like a banana 14177% 14178Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana. 14179% 14180Time is an illusion; lunchtime, doubly so. 14181 -- Ford Prefect 14182% 14183Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at 14184once. 14185% 14186'Tis the dream of each programmer, 14187Before his life is done, 14188To write three lines of APL, 14189And make the damn things run. 14190% 14191 (to "The Caissons Go Rolling Along") 14192Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug 14193Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug 14194And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. 14195Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all, 14196Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall 14197And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. 14198And we've also found Just flip one switch 14199When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch 14200You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble 14201 in a flash. 14202Oh, it's so much fun, When the CPU 14203Now the CPU won't run Can print nothing out but "foo," 14204And the system is going to crash. The system is going to crash. 14205% 14206 To A Quick Young Fox: 14207Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp, 14208Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice? 14209Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp -- 14210Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice. 14211 -- Lazy Dog 14212% 14213To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it. 14214% 14215To be is to do. 14216 -- I. Kant 14217To do is to be. 14218 -- A. Sartre 14219Yabba-Dabba-Doo! 14220 -- F. Flintstone 14221% 14222"To be responsive at this time, though I will simply say, and therefore 14223this is a repeat of what I said previously, that which I am unable to 14224offer in response is based on information available to make no such 14225statement." 14226% 14227To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit, 14228call it the target. 14229% 14230To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy. 14231% 14232To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System. 14233% 14234To err is human, to moo bovine. 14235% 14236To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D. 14237 -- B. Duggan 14238% 14239To generalize is to be an idiot. 14240 -- William Blake 14241% 14242To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three 14243men, two of them absent. 14244% 14245To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk. 14246 -- Thomas Edison 14247% 14248To iterate is human, to recurse, divine. 14249 -- Robert Heller 14250% 14251To the best of my recollection, Senator, I can't recall. 14252% 14253To the systems programmer, users and applications serve only to provide 14254a test load. 14255% 14256To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional 14257system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy, 14258inelegant, and unsatisfying. But it's a question of congruence: 14259precision and flexibility may be just as dysfunctional in novel, 14260uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar, 14261well-defined ones. Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures 14262of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very 14263secure ecological niche. 14264 -- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers" 14265% 14266To understand this important story, you have to understand how the 14267telephone company works. Your telephone is connected to a local 14268computer, which is in turn connected to a regional computer, which is 14269in turn connected to a loudspeaker the size of a garbage truck on the 14270lawn of Edna A. Bargewater of Lawrence, Kan. 14271 14272Whenever you talk on the phone, your local computer listens in. If it 14273suspects you're going to discuss an intimate topic, it notifies the 14274computer above it, which listens in and decides whether to alert the 14275one above it, until finally, if you really humiliate yourself, maybe 14276break down in tears and tell your closest friend about a sordid 14277incident from your past involving a seedy motel, a neighbor's spouse, 14278an entire religious order, a garden hose and six quarts of tapioca 14279pudding, the top computer feeds your conversation into Edna's 14280loudspeaker, and she and her friends come out on the porch to listen 14281and drink gin and laugh themselves silly. 14282 -- Dave Barry, "Won't It Be Just Great Owning Our Own 14283 Phones?" 14284% 14285To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it? 14286% 14287To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. 14288 -- Woody Allen 14289% 14290Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official. 14291% 14292Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day. 14293% 14294Today is the first day of the rest of the mess. 14295% 14296Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage. 14297% 14298Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. 14299% 14300Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity? 14301 14302And where does it go after it leaves the toaster? 14303 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 14304% 14305Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new 14306cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more 14307spectacular adventure starring ... Tippy, the Wonder Dog! 14308 -- Bob & Ray 14309% 14310Today, of course, it is considered very poor taste to use the F-word 14311except in major motion pictures. 14312 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" 14313% 14314Toilet Toup'ee, n.: 14315 Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus 14316 creating endless annoyance to male users. 14317 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 14318% 14319Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest. 14320% 14321Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree. 14322% 14323Too clever is dumb. 14324 -- Ogden Nash 14325% 14326Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL. 14327 -- Mae West 14328% 14329Too much of everything is just enough. 14330 -- Bob Wier 14331% 14332Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available 14333briefcases. 14334 -- Governor Jerry Brown 14335% 14336Top scientists agree that with the present rate of consumption, the 14337earth's supply of gravity will be exhausted before the 24th century. 14338As man struggles to discover cheaper alternatives, we need your help. 14339Please... 14340 14341 CONSERVE GRAVITY 14342 14343Follow these simple suggestions: 14344 14345(1) Walk with a light step. Carry helium balloons if possible. 14346(2) Use tape, magnets, or glue instead of paperweights. 14347(3) Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like 14348 curling. 14349(4) Avoid showers .. take baths instead. 14350(5) Don't hang all your clothes in the closet ... Keep them in one big 14351 pile. 14352(6) Stop flipping pancakes 14353% 14354Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow. 14355% 14356Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live 14357in eucalyptus trees. 14358% 14359Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence. 14360 -- Henrik Tikkanen 14361% 14362Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it. 14363 -- Mark Twain 14364% 14365Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.) 14366% 14367Truthful, adj.: 14368 Dumb and illiterate. 14369 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 14370% 14371Try not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational. 14372 -- Charles Schulz 14373% 14374Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good. 14375% 14376Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading: Was it done, 14377is it being done, or is something to be done? Reports are now written 14378in four tenses: past tense, present tense, future tense, and 14379pretense. Watch for novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmer), 14380defined by the imperfect past, the insufficient present, and the 14381absolutely perfect future. 14382 -- Amrom Katz 14383% 14384Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance. 14385% 14386Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only 14387specification is that it should run noiselessly. 14388% 14389Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth. 14390 -- Alan Watts 14391% 14392Trying to establish voice contact ... please ____yell into keyboard. 14393% 14394Turnaucka's Law: 14395 The attention span of a computer is only as long as its 14396 electrical cord. 14397% 14398Tussman's Law: 14399 Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. 14400% 14401TV is chewing gum for the eyes. 14402 -- Frank Lloyd Wright 14403% 14404'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks 14405Did gyre and gimble in their cave 14406All mimsy was the CS-VAX 14407And Cory raths outgrabe. 14408 14409"Beware the software rot, my son! 14410The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash! 14411Beware the broken pipe, and shun 14412The frumious system crash!" 14413% 14414 'Twas the Night before Crisis 14415 14416'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house, 14417 Not a program was working not even a browse. 14418The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care, 14419 Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer. 14420The users were nestled all snug in their beds, 14421 While visions of inquiries danced in their heads. 14422When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter, 14423 I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter. 14424And what to my wondering eyes should appear, 14425 But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear. 14426More rapid than eagles, his programs they came, 14427 And he whistled and shouted and called them by name; 14428On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete! 14429 On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete! 14430His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean, 14431 From Weekends and nights in front of a screen. 14432A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head, 14433 Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread... 14434% 14435'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period 14436 preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, And 14437 throughout our place of residence, 14438Kinetic activity was not in evidence among the 14439 possessors of this potential, including that 14440 species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. 14441Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward 14442 edge of the woodburning caloric apparatus, 14443Pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an 14444 imminent visitation from an eccentric 14445 philanthropist among whose folkloric appelations 14446 is the honorific title of St. Nicklaus ... 14447% 14448Twenty Percent of Zero is Better than Nothing. 14449 -- Walt Kelly 14450% 14451Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long. 14452 -- Howard Kandel 14453% 14454Two men came before Nasrudin when he was magistrate. The first man 14455said, "This man has bitten my ear -- I demand compensation." The 14456second man said, "He bit it himself." Nasrudin withdrew to his 14457chambers, and spent an hour trying to bite his own ear. He succeeded 14458only in falling over and bruising his forehead. Returning to the 14459courtroom, Nasrudin pronounced, "Examine the man whose ear was bitten. 14460If his forehead is bruised, he did it himself and the case is 14461dismissed. If his forehead is not bruised, the other man did it and 14462must pay three silver pieces." 14463% 14464Two percent of zero is almost nothing. 14465% 14466Two sure ways to tell a sexy male; the first is, he has a bad memory. 14467I forget the second. 14468% 14469Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do. 14470% 14471U: There's a U -- a Unicorn! 14472 Run right up and rub its horn. 14473 Look at all those points you're losing! 14474 UMBER HULKS are so confusing. 14475 -- The Roguelet's ABC 14476% 14477"Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex." 14478 14479(Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.) 14480 -- Roman Law, trans. Petr Beckmann (1971) 14481% 14482UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist. 14483% 14484"Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?" 14485 14486"It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to food, 14487right?" 14488 -- MacNelley, "Shoe" 14489% 14490Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb: 14491 Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a 14492 hammer or get a splinter in it. 14493% 14494Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a 14495just man is also a prison. 14496 -- Henry David Thoreau 14497% 14498Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a 14499just man is also in prison. 14500 -- Henry David Thoreau 14501% 14502Under deadline pressure for the next week. If you want something, it 14503can wait. Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic ... 14504% 14505Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics: 14506 Superiority is recessive. 14507% 14508Unfair animal names: 14509 14510-- tsetse fly -- bullhead 14511-- booby -- duck-billed platypus 14512-- sapsucker -- Clarence 14513 -- Gary Larson 14514% 14515United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the 14516Christmas season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of 14517all the military forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of 14518all the patriots of every persuasion. 14519 14520Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low over the 14521world. 14522 -- Isaac Asimov 14523% 14524Universe, n.: 14525 The problem. 14526% 14527University, n.: 14528 Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's 14529 usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell 14530 you how to fix it, and ... 14531% 14532unix soit qui mal y pense 14533% 14534UNIX was half a billion (500000000) seconds old on 14535Tue Nov 5 00:53:20 1985 GMT (measuring since the time(2) epoch). 14536 -- Andy Tannenbaum 14537% 14538Unnamed Law: 14539 If it happens, it must be possible. 14540% 14541Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out 14542twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages. 14543 -- H. L. Mencken 14544% 14545Usage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec ... inputdir 14546% 14547User n.: 14548 A programmer who will believe anything you tell him. 14549% 14550USER, n.: 14551 The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot." 14552 -- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top" 14553% 14554Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach. 14555 -- S. C. Johnson 14556% 14557Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, 14558opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none. 14559 -- Doug Larson 14560% 14561Vail's Second Axiom: 14562 The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the 14563 amount of work already completed. 14564% 14565Valerie: Aww, Tom, you're going maudlin on me ... 14566Tom: I reserve the right to wax maudlin as I wane eloquent ... 14567 -- Tom Chapin 14568% 14569Van Roy's Law: 14570 An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. 14571% 14572Vanilla, adj.: 14573 Ordinary flavor, standard. See FLAVOR. When used of food, 14574very often does not mean that the food is flavored with vanilla 14575extract! For example, "vanilla-flavored won ton soup" (or simply 14576"vanilla won ton soup") means ordinary won ton soup, as opposed to hot 14577and sour won ton soup. 14578% 14579Velilind's Laws of Experimentation: 14580 (1) If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only 14581 once. 14582 (2) If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data 14583 points. 14584% 14585Veni, Vidi, Visa. 14586% 14587 "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past 14588year strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley 14589reap crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their 14590artichoke hearts. There has been a hot day in December and a blue 14591moon. Calendars are made with a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon 14592Holstein bore alive two insurance salesmen. The earth splits and the 14593entrails of a goat were found tied in square knots. The face of the 14594sun blackens and the skies have rained down soggy potato chips." 14595 14596 "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito. 14597 14598 "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug, "but I thought it made 14599good copy." 14600 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 14601% 14602Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters. 14603% 14604Vila: "I think I have just made the biggest mistake of my life." 14605Orac: "It is unlikely. I would predict there are far greater mistakes 14606 waiting to be made by someone with your obvious talent for it." 14607% 14608Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. 14609 -- Salvor Hardin 14610% 14611Virginia law forbids bathtubs in the house; tubs must be kept in the 14612yard. 14613% 14614VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) 14615 Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count to 14616 ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this 14617 morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you 14618 wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of 14619 that old underwear you own. 14620% 14621VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) 14622 You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is 14623 sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and 14624 sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus 14625 drivers. 14626% 14627"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from. 14628% 14629Virtue is its own punishment. 14630% 14631Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving 14632from where you left them to where you can't find them. 14633% 14634Vitamin C deficiency is apauling. 14635% 14636VMS is like a nightmare about RXS-11M. 14637% 14638Vote anarchist. 14639% 14640Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and 14641TAX-DEFERRED! 14642% 14643VYARZERZOMANIMORORSEZASSEZANSERAREORSES? 14644% 14645 14646 *** System shutdown message from root *** 14647 14648System going down in 60 seconds 14649 14650 14651% 14652"Wagner's music is better than it sounds." 14653 -- Mark Twain 14654% 14655Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?" 146561st customer: "I'll have tea." 146572nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!" 14658 (Waiter exits, returns) 14659Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?" 14660% 14661Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser. 14662% 14663War hath no fury like a non-combatant. 14664 -- Charles Edward Montague 14665% 14666War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ketchup is a vegetable. 14667% 14668 WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL: 14669 14670Firings will continue until morale improves. 14671% 14672WARNING: 14673 Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your 14674 mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth 14675 of hair on your palms, and make a difference in the outcome 14676 of your favorite war. 14677% 14678Warning: Listening to WXRT on April Fools' Day is not recommended for 14679those who are slightly disoriented the first few hours after waking 14680up. 14681 -- Chicago Reader 4/22/83 14682% 14683Warp 7 -- It's a law we can live with. 14684% 14685Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm. 14686 -- John F. Kennedy 14687% 14688Waste not, get your budget cut next year. 14689% 14690Wasting time is an important part of living. 14691% 14692Watson's Law: 14693 The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the 14694 number and significance of any persons watching it. 14695% 14696We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which 14697divides us is whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being 14698correct. My own feeling is that it is not crazy enough. 14699 -- Niels Bohr 14700% 14701We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. 14702 -- Oscar Wilde 14703% 14704We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm. 14705 -- Winston Churchill 14706% 14707We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it. 14708 -- Whole Earth Catalog 14709% 14710We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities. 14711 -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo" 14712% 14713We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to 14714socialism, because socialism is defunct. It dies all by itself. The 14715bad thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say 14716socialism? 14717 -- Fidel Castro 14718% 14719We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat's next-to-last 14720theorem. 14721 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 14722% 14723We are upping our standards ... so up yours. 14724 -- Pat Paulsen for President, 1988. 14725% 14726We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved. 14727% 14728We can predict everything, except the future. 14729% 14730We cannot put the face of a person on a stamp unless said person is 14731deceased. My suggestion, therefore, is that you drop dead. 14732 -- James E. Day, Postmaster General 14733% 14734We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty! 14735 -- Vroomfondel 14736% 14737"We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company." 14738% 14739We don't know who discovered water, but we're certain it wasn't a 14740fish. 14741% 14742We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't understand the 14743hardware, but we can *___see* the blinking lights! 14744% 14745We gave you an atomic bomb, what do you want, mermaids? 14746 -- I. I. Rabi to the Atomic Energy Commission 14747% 14748We had it tough ... I had to get up at 9 o'clock at night, half an 14749hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work 29 hours down 14750mill, and when we came home our Dad would kill us, and dance about on 14751our grave singing Hallelujah ... 14752 -- Monty Python 14753% 14754We have met the enemy, and he is us. 14755 -- Walt Kelly 14756% 14757We have only two things to worry about: That things will never get 14758back to normal, and that they already have. 14759% 14760We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his 14761hands for masturbation. 14762 -- Lily Tomlin 14763% 14764We have the flu. I don't know if this particular strain has an 14765official name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death 14766Flu". You may have had it yourself. The main symptom is that you wish 14767you had another setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that 14768said "ELECTROCUTION". 14769 14770Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a) your 14771teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength. Midway through the brushing 14772process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a 14773couple of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways 14774out of your mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste 14775stalagmites that would bond your head permanently to the bathroom 14776floor, which is how the police would find you. 14777 14778You know the kind of flu I'm talking about. 14779 -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide" 14780% 14781We may hope that machines will eventually compete with men in all 14782purely intellectual fields. But which are the best ones to start 14783with? Many people think that a very abstract activity, like the 14784playing of chess, would be best. It can also be maintained that it is 14785best to provide the machine with the best sense organs that money can 14786buy, and then teach it to understand and speak English. 14787 -- Alan M. Turing 14788% 14789We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always 14790respect their good judgment. 14791% 14792We must remember the First Amendment which protects any shrill jackass 14793no matter how self-seeking. 14794 -- F. G. Withington 14795% 14796We ought to be very grateful that we have tools. Millions of years ago 14797people did not have them, and home projects were extremely difficult. 14798For example, when a primitive person wanted to put up paneling, he had 14799to drive the little paneling nails into the cave wall with his bare 14800fist, so generally the paneling wound up getting spattered with 14801primitive blood, which isn't really all that bad when you consider how 14802ugly paneling is to begin with. 14803 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 14804% 14805We really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of our best 14806friends are trying to kill us. 14807% 14808 We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. 14809But there was also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle 14810Haggard song at a French restaurant. ... 14811 I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of 14812her milk white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I 14813had punched her boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone 14814told him, "You ride the bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was 14815lean and tough like a bad rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he 14816fought me. And when we finished there were no winners, just men doing 14817what men must do. ... 14818 "Stop the car," the girl said. There was a look of terrible 14819sadness in her eyes. She knew about the woman of the tollway. I knew 14820not how. I started to speak, but she raised an arm and spoke with a 14821quiet and peace I will never forget. 14822 "I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the 14823tollway belle's for thee." 14824 The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was 14825a lie. Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I 14826poured whiskey onto my granola and faced a new day. 14827 -- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway 14828 Competition 14829% 14830We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one 14831technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter. 14832% 14833we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love, 14834we will cry over things we used to laugh & 14835our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentile 14836creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then & 14837in the end a summer with wild winds & 14838new friends will be. 14839% 14840We wish you a Hare Krishna 14841We wish you a Hare Krishna 14842We wish you a Hare Krishna 14843And a Sun Myung Moon! 14844 -- Maxwell Smart 14845% 14846We'll cross out that bridge when we come back to it later. 14847% 14848We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from 14849the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging 14850you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right 14851in his bowl full of jelly. 14852 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" 14853% 14854We're only in it for the volume. 14855 -- Black Sabbath 14856% 14857We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center 14858of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week, 14859but for some reason nobody's ever done it. 14860 -- Andy Rooney 14861% 14862Weiler's Law: 14863 Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it 14864 himself. 14865% 14866Weinberg's First Law: 14867 Progress is made on alternate Fridays. 14868% 14869Weinberg's Principle: 14870 An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while 14871 sweeping on to the grand fallacy. 14872% 14873Weinberg's Second Law: 14874 If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, 14875 then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. 14876% 14877Weiner's Law of Libraries: 14878 There are no answers, only cross references. 14879% 14880Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter. He'll come in handy if 14881you run out of food. 14882 -- Dean McLaughlin. 14883% 14884Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a 14885lot of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke. Hartke is a 14886governor or mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the 14887reason you'll be reading about him is that he's one of the 50 top 14888contenders for the 1984 Democratic presidential nomination. These men 14889will spend the next 18 months going around the country engaging in the 14890most degrading activities imaginable, such as wearing idiot hats and 14891appearing on "Meet the Press". "Meet the Press" is one of those Sunday 14892morning public interest shows that the public is not the least bit 14893interested in. It features a panel of reporters who ask questions of a 14894guest politician, who wins an Amana home freezer if he can get through 14895the entire show without answering a single question ... 14896 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics" 14897% 14898Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them 14899back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds, 14900or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they 14901they couldn't afford it, that would hold them off. 14902 -- President Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile 14903% 14904Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *___can* 14905you believe?! 14906 -- Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward] 14907% 14908Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail, 14909 And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail; 14910I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues, 14911 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. 14912 14913If you think that it's nice that you get what you C, 14914 Then go : illogical statement with your whole family, 14915'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views. 14916 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. 14917 14918On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze, 14919 But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze. 14920Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse, 14921 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. 14922 -- Core Dumped Blues 14923% 14924"Well, that was a piece of cake, eh K-9?" 14925 14926"Piece of cake, Master? Radial slice of baked confection ... 14927coefficient of relevance to Key of Time: zero." 14928 -- Dr. Who 14929% 14930"Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is 14931no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five 14932hundred." 14933 -- The Mahabharata. 14934% 14935Westheimer's Discovery: 14936 A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a 14937 couple of hours in the library. 14938% 14939Wethern's Law: 14940 Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. 14941% 14942"What are we going to do?" 14943 14944"Me, I'm examining the major Western religions. I'm looking for 14945something that's soft on morality, generous with holidays, and has a 14946short initiation period." 14947% 14948"What are you doing?" 14949 14950"Examining the world's major religions. I'm looking for something 14951that's light on morals, has lots of holidays, and with a short 14952initiation period." 14953% 14954What color is a chameleon on a mirror? 14955% 14956 "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty 14957teenager asked her mother. 14958 "Encouragement, dear," she replied. 14959% 14960What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"? 14961% 14962What does it mean if there is no fortune for you? 14963% 14964What garlic is to food, insanity is to art. 14965% 14966What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art. 14967% 14968"What George Washington did for us was to throw out the British, so 14969that we wouldn't have a fat, insensitive government running our 14970country. Nice try anyway, George." 14971 -- D.J. on KSFO/KYA 14972% 14973What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the 14974entrance? 14975% 14976What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow 14977in his footsteps? 14978% 14979What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I hop into the shower 14980stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped in I landed 14981barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot character 14982from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off of 14983while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our 14984dog, Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up 14985powerful dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the 14986bathroom and wants to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any 14987one of which -- bear in mind that I am naked and, without my contact 14988lenses, essentially blind -- could result in the kind of injury where 14989you have to learn a whole new part if you want to sing the "Messiah", 14990if you get my drift. Then I hop right back out, because Robert, with 14991that uncanny sixth sense some children have -- you cannot teach it; 14992they either have it or they don't -- has chosen exactly that moment to 14993flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them. 14994 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face" 14995% 14996What I tell you three times is true. 14997 -- Lewis Carroll 14998% 14999"What I think is that the F-word is basically just a convenient nasty- 15000sounding word that we tend to use when we would really like to come up 15001with a terrifically witty insult, the kind Winston Churchill always 15002came up with when enormous women asked him stupid questions at 15003parties. 15004 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" 15005% 15006What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility. 15007% 15008What I've done, of course, is total garbage. 15009 -- R. Willard, Pure Math 430a 15010% 15011What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I 15012definitely overpaid for my carpet. 15013 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 15014% 15015What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's 15016worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists? 15017 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 15018% 15019What is a magician but a practising theorist? 15020 -- Obi-Wan Kenobi 15021% 15022What is mind? No matter. 15023What is matter? Never mind. 15024 -- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875 15025% 15026What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern 15027computer? It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest 15028and the establishment of a Hilton on its peak. 15029% 15030"What is the Nature of God?" 15031 15032 CLICK...CLICK...WHIRRR...CLICK...=BEEP!= 15033 1 QT. SOUR CREAM 15034 1 TSP. SAUERKRAUT 15035 1/2 CUT CHIVES. 15036 STIR AND SPRINKLE WITH BACON BITS. 15037 15038"I've just GOT to start labeling my software..." 15039 -- Bloom County 15040% 15041What is the robbing of a bank compared to the FOUNDING of a bank? 15042 -- Bertolt Brecht 15043% 15044What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out, 15045which is the exact opposite. 15046 -- Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical_Essays", 1928 15047% 15048What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do. 15049% 15050What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing 15051to compare it with. 15052% 15053What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism. 15054It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books 15055and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes 15056and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: "Yes, 15057women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate 15058mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige 15059and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort." 15060 -- Susan Gordon 15061% 15062What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy? 15063 -- Ursula K. LeGuin 15064% 15065What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket. 15066% 15067What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away. 15068% 15069What the world *really* needs is a good Automatic Bicycle Sharpener. 15070% 15071What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent 15072bagel. 15073% 15074What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel. 15075% 15076What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING! 15077% 15078What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer. 15079% 15080What this country needs is a good five cent nickel. 15081% 15082What this country needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon. 15083% 15084What this world needs is a good five-dollar plasma weapon. 15085% 15086What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn? 15087 -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn" 15088% 15089What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which 15090nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday 15091Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space- 15092launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, during which it just 15093remains 7 a.m. This way we could all wake up via a civilized gradual 15094process of stretching and belching and scratching, and it would still 15095be only 7 a.m. when we were ready to actually emerge from bed. 15096 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" 15097% 15098What you don't know can hurt you, only you won't know it. 15099% 15100What's another word for "thesaurus"? 15101 -- Steven Wright 15102% 15103 "What's that thing?" 15104 "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in 15105computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what 15106it does. We call it a two-by-four." 15107 -- Jeff MacNelley, "Shoe" 15108% 15109What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it? 15110 -- Dr. Who 15111% 15112Whatever became of eternal truth? 15113% 15114Whatever became of Strange de Jim? Well, he found a substitute for 15115cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your nostrils 15116as far as they will go. Then you sniff talcum powder while shredding 15117hundred dollar bills." 15118 -- Herb Caen 15119% 15120Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not 15121nailed down. 15122 -- Collis P. Huntingdon 15123% 15124Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not 15125cockroaches! 15126 -- Mom 15127% 15128When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him -- that's where the 15129money is. 15130 -- Robespierre 15131% 15132When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the 15133thing," it's the money. 15134 -- Kim Hubbard 15135% 15136When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half 15137loop? 15138% 15139When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is 15140not far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space 15141travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere. 15142 -- Robert Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love" 15143% 15144When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see the 15145sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain 15146relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten. 15147 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" 15148% 15149When all other means of communication fail, try words. 15150% 15151When are you BUTTHEADS gonna learn that you can't oppose Gestapo 15152tactics *with* Gestapo tactics? 15153 -- Reuben Flagg 15154% 15155When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before 15156the white men came, an Indian said simply "Ours." 15157 -- Vine Deloria, Jr. 15158% 15159When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask? 15160Well, last year, I think it was a Tuesday. 15161% 15162When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to 15163guarantee them. 15164% 15165When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great 15166parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if 15167I'm leaving. 15168 -- Steven Wright 15169% 15170When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a 15171year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire 15172winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer. 15173 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" 15174% 15175When I said "we", officer, I was referring to myself, the four young 15176ladies, and, of course, the goat. 15177% 15178When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. 15179Now I'm beginning to believe it. 15180 -- Clarence Darrow 15181% 15182When I was a kid I said to my father one afternoon, "Daddy, will you 15183take me to the zoo?" He answered, "If the zoo wants you let them come 15184and get you." 15185 -- Jerry Lewis 15186% 15187When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any 15188firearms with me. I said, `Well, what do you need?' 15189 -- Steven Wright 15190% 15191When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: 15192I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. 15193 -- Woody Allen 15194% 15195When I was seven years old, I was once reprimanded by my mother for an 15196act of collective brutality in which I had been involved at school. A 15197group of seven-year-olds had been teasing and tormenting a 15198six-year-old. "It is always so," my mother said. "You do things 15199together which not one of you would think of doing alone." ... 15200Wherever one looks in the world of human organization, collective 15201responsibility brings a lowering of moral standards. The military 15202establishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems to have 15203been expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things 15204together which nobody in his right mind would do alone. 15205 -- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope" 15206% 15207When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened 15208or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I 15209cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to 15210go to pieces like this but we all have to do it. 15211 -- Mark Twain 15212% 15213When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess. 15214% 15215When in doubt, tell the truth. 15216 -- Mark Twain 15217% 15218When in doubt, use brute force. 15219 -- Ken Thompson 15220% 15221When in panic, fear and doubt, 15222Drink in barrels, eat, and shout. 15223% 15224When love is gone, there's always justice. 15225And when justice is gone, there's always force. 15226And when force is gone, there's always Mom. 15227Hi, Mom! 15228 -- Laurie Anderson 15229% 15230When Marriage is Outlawed, 15231Only Outlaws will have Inlaws. 15232% 15233When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment 15234results. 15235 -- Calvin Coolidge 15236% 15237When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony 15238concerts, she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years -- 15239and I find I mind it less and less." 15240 -- Louise Andrews Kent 15241% 15242When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: 15243for every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when 15244your boss is away and you get twice as much done. 15245 -- Daniel B. Luten 15246% 15247When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only 15248say what I wish done," give him a lollipop. 15249% 15250When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical 15251 -- Jon Carroll 15252% 15253When the government bureau's remedies don't match your problem, you 15254modify the problem, not the remedy. 15255% 15256When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies, 15257the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a 15258nose bleed, which usually cures them of ____that. 15259 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 15260% 15261When the speaker and he to whom he is speaks do not understand, that is 15262metaphysics. 15263 -- Voltaire 15264% 15265When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the 15266stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them 15267from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones 15268were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the 15269corners as bodies of a lower grade ... 15270 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 15271% 15272When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the 15273plane will fly. 15274 -- Donald Douglas 15275% 15276When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most 15277insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are 15278required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and 15279exhausting condition continuously until death do them part. 15280 -- George Bernard Shaw 15281% 15282When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that 15283virtue is not hereditary. 15284 -- Thomas Paine 15285% 15286When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be as before -- 15287except our fingertips will have been singed. 15288 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 15289% 15290When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of 15291investigation of a topic, it is well to gave the answer firmly in hand, 15292so that you can proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or 15293swayed, directly to the goal. 15294 -- Amrom Katz 15295% 15296When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut. 15297% 15298When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly. 15299% 15300When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship. 15301 -- Harry Truman 15302% 15303 When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure 15304clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite answer 15305to a definite problem. For better or worse you have acted decisively. 15306 In a way, the next move is up to him. 15307 -- R. A. Lafferty 15308% 15309When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite. 15310 -- Winston Churchill, On formal declarations of war 15311% 15312When you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by 15313asking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don't 15314know the answer either. 15315 -- Edgar R. Fiedler 15316% 15317When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers. 15318 -- The Wall Street Journal 15319% 15320When you try to make an impression, the chances are that is the 15321impression you will make. 15322% 15323When you're away, I'm restless, lonely, 15324Wretched, bored, dejected; only 15325Here's the rub, my darling dear 15326I feel the same when you are near. 15327 -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "When You're Away" 15328% 15329When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN. 15330% 15331Whenever anyone says, "theoretically", they really mean, "not really". 15332 -- Dave Parnas 15333% 15334Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to 15335see it tried on him personally. 15336 -- A. Lincoln 15337% 15338Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. 15339 -- Oscar Wilde 15340% 15341Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last 15342you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his 15343Atlantic with his verb in his mouth. 15344 -- Mark Twain 15345 "Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court" 15346% 15347Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, 15348it is time to reform. 15349 -- Mark Twain 15350% 15351WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE 15352 15353 Oh, dear, where can the matter be 15354 When it's converted to energy? 15355 There is a slight loss of parity. 15356 Johnny's so long at the fair. 15357% 15358Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what 15359is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will. 15360 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 15361% 15362Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax. 15363% 15364Whether you can hear it or not 15365The Universe is laughing behind your back 15366 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 15367% 15368Which is worse: ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares? 15369% 15370While anyone can admit to themselves they were wrong, the true test is 15371admission to someone else. 15372% 15373While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things, 15374The fate of empires and the fall of kings; 15375While quacks of State must each produce his plan, 15376And even children lisp the Rights of Man; 15377Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention, 15378The Rights of Woman merit some attention. 15379 -- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman", 15380 November 26, 1792 15381% 15382While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several. 15383% 15384While it may be true that a watched pot never boils, the one you don't 15385keep an eye on can make an awful mess of your stove. 15386 -- Edward Stevenson 15387% 15388While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own 15389form of misery. 15390% 15391While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position. 15392% 15393While most peoples' opinions change, 15394the conviction of their correctness never does. 15395% 15396While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's still very 15397reassuring to know that it's still there. 15398% 15399While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are 15400safe, for you can watch both of his. 15401 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 15402% 15403Whistler's Law: 15404 You never know who is right, but you always know who is in 15405 charge. 15406% 15407"Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with our new 15408Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process ..." 15409% 15410Who made the world I cannot tell; 15411'Tis made, and here am I in hell. 15412My hand, though now my knuckles bleed, 15413I never soiled with such a deed. 15414 -- A. E. Housman 15415% 15416Who messed with my anti-paranoia shot? 15417% 15418Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink? 15419% 15420Who's on first? 15421% 15422"Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school. 15423 -- George Ade 15424% 15425Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad. 15426% 15427Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising. 15428% 15429Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like "Amadeus"? I could 15430have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing. 15431 -- Ian Shoales 15432% 15433Why be a man when you can be a success? 15434 -- Bertolt Brecht 15435% 15436Why bother building any more nuclear warheads until we use the ones we 15437have? 15438% 15439Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else? 15440% 15441Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to 15442avoid responsibility with? 15443% 15444Why did the Roman Empire collapse? 15445What is the Latin for office automation? 15446% 15447Why do we have two eyes? To watch 3-D movies with. 15448% 15449Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently 15450there must be a beverage. 15451 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 15452% 15453Why does New Jersey have more toxic waste dumps and California have 15454more lawyers? 15455 15456New Jersey had first choice. 15457% 15458Why don't elephants eat penguins ? 15459 15460Because they can't get the wrappers off ... 15461% 15462Why I Can't Go Out With You: 15463 15464I'd LOVE to, but ... 15465 -- I have to floss my cat. 15466 -- I've dedicated my life to linguini. 15467 -- I need to spend more time with my blender. 15468 -- it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People. 15469 -- it's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish. 15470 -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves. 15471 -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products. 15472 -- I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise. 15473 -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist. 15474 -- I have some really hard words to look up. 15475 -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting. 15476 -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps. 15477% 15478Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is 15479because we are not the person involved. 15480 -- Mark Twain 15481% 15482Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? 15483 -- Stephen Wright 15484% 15485Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet? 15486 -- Lily Tomlin 15487% 15488Why must you tell me all your secrets when it's hard enough to love 15489you knowing nothing? 15490 -- Lloyd Cole and the Commotions 15491% 15492Why not have an old-fashioned Christmas for your family this year? 15493Just picture the scene in your living room on Christmas morning as your 15494children open their old-fashioned presents. 15495 15496Your 11-year-old son: "What the heck is this?" 15497 15498You: "A spinning top! You spin it around, and then eventually it 15499 falls down. What fun! Ha, ha!" 15500 15501Son: "Is this a joke? Jason Thompson's parents got him a computer 15502 with two disk drives and 128 kilobytes of random-access memory, 15503 and I get this cretin TOP?" 15504 15505Your 8-year-old daughter: "You think that's bad? Look at this." 15506 15507You: "It's figgy pudding! What a treat!" 15508 15509Daughter: "It looks like goat barf." 15510 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" 15511% 15512Why was I born with such contemporaries? 15513 -- Oscar Wilde 15514% 15515Why You Can't Run When There's Trouble in the Office: 15516 No matter where you stand, no matter how far or fast you flee, 15517when it hits the fan, as much as possible will be propelled in your 15518direction, and almost none will be returned to the source. 15519 -- John L. Shelton 15520% 15521Wiker's Law: 15522 Government expands to absorb revenue and then some. 15523% 15524 William Safire's Rules for Writers: 15525 15526Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never 15527be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs have to 15528agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words 15529out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal 15530of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must 15531not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a 15532conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a 15533sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as 15534close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more 15535words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles 15536must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a 15537linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing 15538metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should 15539be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their 15540writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows 15541the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek 15542viable alternatives. 15543% 15544Williams and Holland's Law: 15545 If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by 15546 statistical methods. 15547% 15548Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as 15549it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat. 15550% 15551Wit, n.: 15552 The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery ... 15553 by leaving it out. 15554 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 15555% 15556With a gentleman I try to be a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I 15557try to be a fraud and a half. 15558 -- Otto von Bismark 15559% 15560With a rubber duck, one's never alone. 15561 -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 15562% 15563With all the fancy scientists in the world, why can't they just once 15564build a nuclear balm? 15565% 15566With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand 15567miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and 15568still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no 15569such thing as progress. 15570 -- Ransom K. Ferm 15571% 15572Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless. 15573% 15574Wombat's Laws of Computer Selection: 15575 (1) If it doesn't run Unix, forget it. 15576 (2) Any computer design over 10 years old is obsolete. 15577 (3) Anything made by IBM is junk. (See number 2) 15578 (4) The minimum acceptable CPU power for a single user is a 15579 VAX/780 with a floating point accelerator. 15580 (5) Any computer with a mouse is worthless. 15581 -- Rich Kulawiec 15582% 15583Wood is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource. If 15584you cut down a tree, another will grow in its place. And if you cut 15585down the new tree, still another will grow. And if you cut down that 15586tree, yet another will grow, only this one will be a mutation with 15587long, poisonous tentacles and revenge in its heart, and it will sit 15588there in the forest, cackling and making elaborate plans for when you 15589come back. 15590 15591Wood heat is not new. It dates back to a day millions of years ago, 15592when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot. 15593Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire. One of the 15594cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: "Hey! Wood 15595heat!" The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately 15596beat him to death with stones. But the key discovery had been made, 15597and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed, 15598although their insurance rates went way up. 15599 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" 15600% 15601Work Rule: Leave of Absence (for an Operation): 15602 We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any 15603 thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you 15604 should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you 15605 are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than 15606 we bargained for. 15607% 15608Workers of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your 15609chairs. 15610% 15611World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced 15612dress code! 15613% 15614Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing: 15615 August. The lines are the shortest, though. 15616 -- Steve Rubenstein 15617% 15618Worst Month of the Year: 15619 February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if 15620 you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you don't 15621 get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible. 15622 -- Steve Rubenstein 15623% 15624Worst Response To A Crisis, 1985: 15625 From a readers' Q and A column in TV GUIDE: "If we get involved 15626 in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from exploding 15627 bombs damage my videotapes?" 15628% 15629Worst Vegetable of the Year: 15630 The brussels sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next 15631 year. 15632 -- Steve Rubenstein 15633% 15634"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?" 15635 15636"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat. 15637 -- Lewis Carroll 15638% 15639Wouldn't the sentence 'I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish 15640and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign' have been clearer 15641if quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and 15642and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and 15643and, and and and Chips, as well as after Chips? 15644% 15645Write-Protect Tab, n.: 15646 A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly 15647 left by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error 15648 message once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the 15649 momentary inconvenience. 15650 -- Robb Russon 15651% 15652Writing about music is like dancing about architecture. 15653 -- Frank Zappa 15654% 15655"Wrong," said Renner. 15656 15657"The tactful way," Rod said quietly, "the polite way to disagree with 15658the Senator would be to say, `That turns out not to be the case.'" 15659% 15660X-rated movies are all alike -- the only thing they leave to the 15661imagination is the plot. 15662% 15663Xerox does it again and again and again and ... 15664% 15665Xerox never comes up with anything original. 15666% 15667XIIdigitation, n.: 15668 The practice of trying to determine the year a movie was made 15669by deciphering the Roman numerals at the end of the credits. 15670 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 15671% 15672"Yacc" owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have 15673goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in 15674their endless search for "one more feature". Their irritating 15675unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my 15676doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right. 15677 -- Stephen C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgements" 15678% 15679Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of APL, I shall 15680fear no evil, for I can string six primitive monadic and dyadic 15681operators together. 15682 -- Steve Higgins 15683% 15684"Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context." 15685% 15686Year, n.: 15687 A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments. 15688 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 15689% 15690Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache. 15691% 15692Yes, but which self do you want to be? 15693% 15694Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. 15695Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. 15696Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement. 15697 -- Snoopy 15698% 15699Yesterday upon the stair 15700I met a man who wasn't there. 15701He wasn't there again today -- 15702I think he's from the CIA. 15703% 15704Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again. 15705 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 15706% 15707Yinkel, n.: 15708 A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one 15709 will notice. 15710 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 15711% 15712You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are. 15713% 15714You are here: 15715 *** 15716 *** 15717 ********* 15718 ******* 15719 ***** 15720 *** 15721 * 15722 15723 But you're not all there. 15724% 15725"You are old, Father William," the young man said, 15726 "All your papers these days look the same; 15727Those William's would be better unread -- 15728 Do these facts never fill you with shame?" 15729 15730"In my youth," Father William replied to his son, 15731 "I wrote wonderful papers galore; 15732But the great reputation I found that I'd won, 15733 Made it pointless to think any more." 15734% 15735"You are old, father William," the young man said, 15736 "And your hair has become very white; 15737And yet you incessantly stand on your head -- 15738 Do you think, at your age, it is right?" 15739 15740"In my youth," father William replied to his son, 15741 "I feared it might injure the brain; 15742But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none, 15743 Why, I do it again and again." 15744 -- Lewis Carrol 15745% 15746"You are old," said the youth, "and I'm told by my peers 15747 That your lectures bore people to death. 15748Yet you talk at one hundred conventions per year -- 15749 Don't you think that you should save your breath?" 15750 15751"I have answered three questions and that is enough," 15752 Said his father, "Don't give yourself airs! 15753Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? 15754 Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!" 15755% 15756"You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak 15757 For anything tougher than suet; 15758Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak -- 15759 Pray, how did you manage to do it?" 15760 15761"In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law, 15762 And argued each case with my wife; 15763And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw, 15764 Has lasted the rest of my life." 15765 -- Lewis Carrol 15766% 15767"You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run, 15768 And there isn't one language you like; 15769Yet of useful suggestions for help you have none -- 15770 Have you thought about taking a hike?" 15771 15772"Since I never write programs," his father replied, 15773 "Every language looks equally bad; 15774Yet the people keep paying to read all my books 15775 And don't realize that they've been had." 15776% 15777"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before, 15778 And have grown most uncommonly fat; 15779Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door -- 15780 Pray what is the reason of that?" 15781 15782"In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks, 15783 "I kept all my limbs very supple 15784By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box -- 15785 Allow me to sell you a couple?" 15786 -- Lewis Carrol 15787% 15788"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before, 15789 And make errors few people could bear; 15790You complain about everyone's English but yours -- 15791 Do you really think this is quite fair?" 15792 15793"I make lots of mistakes," Father William declared, 15794 "But my stature these days is so great 15795That no critic can hurt me -- I've got them all scared, 15796 And to stop me it's now far too late." 15797% 15798"You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose 15799 That your eye was as steady as ever; 15800Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose -- 15801 What made you so awfully clever?" 15802 15803"I have answered three questions, and that is enough," 15804 Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs! 15805Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? 15806 Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!" 15807 -- Lewis Carrol 15808% 15809You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. 15810% 15811You are the only person to ever get this message. 15812% 15813You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading 15814this sort of trash. 15815% 15816You buttered your bread, now lie in it! 15817% 15818You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting 15819incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail. 15820Fruitcakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable 15821to find a way to damage them. They last forever, largely because 15822nobody ever eats them. In fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes 15823they receive and send them back to the original givers the next year; 15824some fruitcakes have been passed back and forth for hundreds of years. 15825 15826The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then 15827pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear 15828safety glasses. 15829 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" 15830% 15831You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it 15832doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on. 15833 -- Hepler, Systems Design 182 15834% 15835You can create your own opportunities this week. 15836Blackmail a senior executive. 15837% 15838You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them. 15839Why do you find that funny? 15840 -- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350, University of Washington 15841% 15842You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you 15843can with just a kind word. 15844 -- Bumper Sticker 15845% 15846You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, 15847for instance. 15848 -- Franklin P. Jones 15849% 15850You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular. 15851% 15852You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on 15853the continuing viability of FORTRAN. 15854 -- Alan Perlis 15855% 15856You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. 15857% 15858You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding 15859decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left 15860over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart. 15861 -- F. Allen 15862% 15863You can tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the language of 15864supercomputers. 15865 -- Steven Feiner 15866% 15867You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish. 15868% 15869You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename. 15870 -- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454 15871% 15872You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks. 15873% 15874You can't have everything. Where would you put it? 15875 -- Steven Wright 15876% 15877You can't hold a man down without staying down with him. 15878 -- Booker T. Washington 15879% 15880You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair. 15881% 15882You can't make a program without broken egos. 15883% 15884You can't start worrying about what's going to happen. You get spastic 15885enough worrying about what's happening now. 15886 -- Lauren Bacall 15887% 15888You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten. 15889 -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and 15890 Over and Over" 15891% 15892You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they 15893don't. 15894 -- Dagwood Bumstead 15895% 15896You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd. 15897% 15898You cannot kill time without injuring eternity. 15899% 15900You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back. 15901% 15902You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first 15903and last month in advance. 15904% 15905You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable 15906doubt. 15907 -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict 15908% 15909You do not have mail. 15910% 15911You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers. 15912 -- J. D. Salinger 15913% 15914You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting 15915needles. 15916 -- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food 15917% 15918You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form. 15919The short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified", 15920which means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears 15921tax-preparation expert to distinguish between their first and last 15922names. Here's the complete text: 15923 15924 "(1) How much did you make? (AMOUNT) 15925 "(2) How much did we here at the government take out? (AMOUNT) 15926 "(3) Hey! Sounds like we took too much! So we're going to 15927 send an official government check for (ONE-FIFTEENTH OF 15928 THE AMOUNT WE TOOK) directly to the (YOUR LAST NAME) 15929 household at (YOUR ADDRESS), for you to spend in any way 15930 you please! Which just goes to show you, (YOUR FIRST 15931 NAME), that it pays to file the short form!" 15932 15933The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your 15934money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long 15935form. 15936 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" 15937% 15938You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers. 15939% 15940You have acquired a scroll entitled 'irk gleknow mizk'(n).--More-- 15941 15942This is an IBM Manual scroll.--More-- 15943 15944You are permanently confused. 15945 -- Dave Decot 15946% 15947You have an unusual magnetic personality. Don't walk too close to 15948metal objects which are not fastened down. 15949% 15950You have junk mail. 15951% 15952You have the body of a 19 year old. Please return it before it gets 15953wrinkled. 15954% 15955You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. 15956You'll learn a lot today. 15957% 15958You know it's going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothes 15959you wore home from the party and there aren't any. 15960% 15961You know the great thing about TV? If something important happens 15962anywhere at all in the world, no matter what time of the day or night, 15963you can always change the channel. 15964 -- Jim Ignatowski 15965% 15966You know you have a small apartment when Rice Krispies echo. 15967 -- S. Rickly Christian 15968% 15969You know you're a little fat if you have stretch marks on your car. 15970 -- Cyrus, Chicago Reader 1/22/82 15971% 15972You know you've been spending too much time on the computer when your 15973friend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it. 15974% 15975You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi. 15976% 15977 "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon 15978airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in 15979deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me 15980when I was young!" 15981 "Why, what did she tell you?" 15982 "I don't know, I didn't listen!" 15983 -- Douglas Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 15984% 15985You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled. 15986% 15987You may be recognized soon. Hide. 15988% 15989You may be sure that when a man begins to call himself a "realist," he 15990is preparing to do something he is secretly ashamed of doing. 15991 -- Sydney Harris 15992% 15993You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue -- agree with 15994him. 15995 -- Ed Howe 15996% 15997You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog. 15998 -- Alfred Kahn 15999% 16000You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for 16001success. You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits 16002or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume 16003party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World. 16004 -- Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success" 16005% 16006You might have mail. 16007% 16008You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable 16009proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do. 16010% 16011You need no longer worry about the future. 16012This time tomorrow you'll be dead. 16013% 16014You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a 16015reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating 16016the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for 16017independence. 16018 -- Charles A. Beard 16019% 16020You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the 16021beach. 16022% 16023You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were 16024you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare 16025yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the 16026company. 16027 -- J. Wellington Wells 16028% 16029You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained. 16030% 16031You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could 16032know how seldom they do. 16033 -- Olin Miller. 16034% 16035You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially 16036if they are dead. 16037% 16038You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than 16039about 10^12 to 1. 16040 -- Ernest Rutherford 16041% 16042You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for 16043freedom and liberty. 16044 -- Henrik Ibsen 16045% 16046You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that, 16047contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from 16048houses. Really, that's what scientists believe. In fact many 16049scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the 16050summer. If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day, 16051you'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist 16052sitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily. 16053 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" 16054% 16055You should tip the waiter $10, minus $2 if he tells you his name, 16056another $2 if he claims it will be His Pleasure to serve you and 16057another $2 for each "special" he describes involving confusing terms 16058such as "shallots," and $4 if the menu contains the word "fixin's." In 16059many restaurants, this means the waiter will actually owe you money. 16060If you are traveling with a child aged six months to three years, you 16061should leave an additional amount equal to twice the bill to compensate 16062for the fact that they will have to take the banquette out and burn it 16063because the cracks are wedged solid with gobbets made of partially 16064chewed former restaurant rolls saturated with baby spit. 16065 16066In New York, tip the taxicab driver $40 if he does not mention his 16067hemorrhoids. 16068 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" 16069% 16070"You should, without hesitation, pound your typewriter into a 16071plowshare, your paper into fertilizer, and enter agriculture" 16072 -- Business Professor, University of Georgia 16073% 16074You think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother. 16075% 16076 YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF 16077 PAPER SHUFFLING! 16078 16079Mr. TAA of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be 16080a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel 16081really important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best." 16082 16083Mr. MARC had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward 16084to was a dead-end job as a engineer. Now I have a promising future and 16085make really big Zorkmids." 16086 16087MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when 16088you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter. 16089 16090 SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY! 16091% 16092You too can wear a nose mitten. 16093% 16094You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old. 16095% 16096You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of 16097a lion, and the face of Donald Duck. 16098% 16099You will be surprised by a loud noise. 16100% 16101You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself. 16102% 16103You will feel hungry again in another hour. 16104% 16105You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door 16106mayonnaise salesman. 16107% 16108 You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the 16109Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the 16110parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day. 16111 -- Sherlock Holmes 16112% 16113You will think of something funnier than this to add to the fortunes. 16114% 16115You worry too much about your job. 16116Stop it. You're not paid enough to worry. 16117% 16118You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a 16119taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a 16120minute and a huff. 16121 -- Groucho Marx 16122% 16123You'll never be the man your mother was! 16124% 16125You're at the end of the road again. 16126% 16127You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days. 16128% 16129You're never too old to become younger. 16130 -- Mae West 16131% 16132You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. 16133 -- Dean Martin 16134% 16135You're not my type. For that matter, you're not even my species!!! 16136% 16137You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture. 16138% 16139"You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks." 16140 -- Gary Giddens 16141% 16142"You've got to think about tomorrow!" 16143 16144"TOMORROW! I haven't even prepared for *_________yesterday* yet!" 16145% 16146Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. 16147Don't believe a thing he tells you. 16148% 16149Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you 16150from enjoying it. 16151% 16152Your fault: core dumped 16153% 16154 Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that 16155bring electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a 16156chance to kill you. This is called a "circuit". The most common home 16157electrical problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit 16158breaker"; this causes the electricity to back up in one of the wires 16159until it bursts out of an outlet in the form of sparks, which can 16160damage your carpet. The best way to avoid broken circuits is to change 16161your fuses regularly. 16162 Another common problem is that the lights flicker. This 16163sometimes means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more 16164often it means that your home is possessed by demons, in which case 16165you'll need to get a caulking gun and some caulking. If you're not 16166sure whether your house is possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a 16167fine documentary film based on an actual book. Or call in a licensed 16168electrician, who is trained to spot the signs of demonic possession, 16169such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous cats on the dinette 16170table, etc. 16171 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 16172% 16173Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret. 16174% 16175Your lucky color has faded. 16176% 16177Your lucky number has been disconnected. 16178% 16179Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere. 16180% 16181Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with. 16182% 16183"Yow! Am I having fun yet?" 16184 -- Zippy the Pinhead 16185% 16186YOW!! Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL!" 16187% 16188Zero Defects, n.: 16189 The result of shutting down a production line. 16190% 16191Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words 16192since I first called my brother's father dad. 16193 -- William Shakespeare, "King John" 16194% 16195Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor: 16196 People are always available for work in the past tense. 16197