1 My Favorite Drugs [Sung to My Favorite Things] 2Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers 3Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars 4Reds and peyote to work out your bugs 5These are a few of my favorite drugs. 6 7Uppers and downers and methedrine freakout 8Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out 9Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs 10These are a few of my favorite drugs. 11 12Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys 13Users of heroin, often called junkies 14Methadone helps then to stop being thugs 15Takes them off one of my favorite drugs. 16 17 On a bad trip 18 When the cops come 19 When I lose my head 20 I simply take more of my favorite drugs 21 And then I'm not sad -- I'm dead! 22%% 23 NEW ADDITION TO THE LIBRARY: 24"Sally", the department's new inflatable doll, is available on a 25short-term removal basis only -- please sign her out and return her 26promptly to avoid extended waits. (We are still awaiting shipment of 27our "Big John" doll.) 28%% 29 ... But among the children of the Great Society there were 30those whose skins were black. And lo! Their portion was niggardly, 31and of the fatted calf they were sucking hind teat ... 32 Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and 33they called him King. And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my 34people go to the front of the bus." 35 But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all 36deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass. When ye shall prove 37yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like 38unto a snowball in Hell." 39 -- "The Begatting of a President" 40%% 41 ... But the reward of a successful collaboration is a 42thing that cannot be produced by either of the parties working alone. 43It is akin to the benefits of sex with a partner, as opposed to 44masturbation. The latter is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten 45a baby from playing with him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly 46baby, with just a whole bunch of knuckles. 47 -- Harlan Ellison 48%% 49 ... So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes 50it even worse is, our standards keep changing. Take Playboy magazine. 51Back in the 1950s, when I started reading it strictly for the articles, 52Playboy was considered just about the raciest thing around, even though 53all it ever showed was women's breasts. Granted, any given one of 54these breasts would have provided adequate shelter for a family of 55four, but the overall effect was no more explicit than many 56publications we think nothing of today, such as Sports Illustrated's 57Annual Nipples Poking Through Swimsuits Issue. 58 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" 59%% 60 "Do you cheat on your wife?" asked the psychiatrist. 61 "Who else?" answered the patient. 62%% 63 "God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no 64matter what style of fucking it practiced. He made sex irresistibly 65pleasurable, wildly joyous, free from fears. He made it innocent 66merriment. 67 "Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit. Everyone 68agreed, from aardvarks to zebras. All the jolly animals -- lions and 69lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects, 70though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along 71innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they 72were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one." 73 -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*" 74%% 75 Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled 76with the issue of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John 77Paul Stevens came up with the famous quotation about how he couldn't 78define pornography, but he knew it when he saw it. So for a while, the 79court's policy was to have all the suspected pornography trucked to 80Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it over. "Nope, this isn't 81it," he'd say. "Bring some more." This went on until one morning when 82his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an 83enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a 84ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except 85that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about 86it because the court was going to take a nap. 87 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" 88%% 89 In the beginning was the DEMO Project. And the Project was 90without form. And darkness was upon the staff members thereof. So 91they spake unto their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit, 92and it stinks." 93 94 And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying, 95"It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof." Now, 96the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying, "It is a 97container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none may abide 98before it." And it came to pass that the Directorate Head spake unto 99the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer 100and none may abide by its strength." 101 102 And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the 103Technical Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and 104it is very strong." And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto 105the Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the 106growth of the Laboratories." 107 108 And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that 109it was Good! 110%% 111 Overheard in a bar: 112Man: "Hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!" 113Woman: "No, thanks, I've already got one ass-hole in there now." 114%% 115 The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint 116 117My back aches, my pussy is sore; 118I simply can't fuck any more; 119 I'm covered with sweat, 120 And you haven't come yet, 121And my God, it's a quarter to four! 122%% 123 The big problem with pornography is defining it You can't just 124say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these 125primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot, 126and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal 127saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think 128you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same 129time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of 130Northern Mali that you may be interested in." 131 So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic 132publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest 133naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason 134naked, or whatever. But if National Geographic were to publish an 135article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System 136Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography. But 137others would not. And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev. 138Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked. 139 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" 140%% 141 The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff: "You 142claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle in 143his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?" 144 145 "Yes," he admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course, but 146not much good in a fight." 147%% 148 Them Toad Suckers 149 150How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods? 151Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs! 152 153Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers, 154Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers. 155 156Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy? 157Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy! 158 159Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south, 160Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth! 161 162How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it, 163Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it! 164 -- Mason Williams 165%% 166 Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn 167how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, 168you say `ass' and I'll say `hell'". 169 All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where 170their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast. 171 "Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios." His 172mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the 173room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?" 174 "I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass 175it ain't gonna be Cheerios." 176%% 177 Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just 178felt great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he 179just felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared 180at him: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" And this 181poor quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one is 182mightier than you." A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, 183and just bellows out: "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE 184JUNGLE ANIMALS?" The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but 185manages to stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest 186animal in the jungle." The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an 187elephant that was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top 188of his voice: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?" 189Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams 190him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a 191blur of orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a 192nearby tree. The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant 193and says: "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have 194to get so pissed." 195%% 196 "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you 197didn't believe in God." 198 "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the 199God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's 200not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be." 201 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" 202%% 203 When the surgeon came to see her on the morning after her 204operation, the young woman asked her somewhat hesitantly how long it 205would be before she could resume her sex life. "I really haven't 206thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon. "You're the first 207patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!" 208%% 209 The Split-Atom Blues 210 211Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine, 212 Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline ... 213But if you split those atoms fine, 214 Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine! 215 216Gimme zits, take my dough, 217 Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll ... 218Call the devil and sell my soul, 219 But Mama keep dem atoms whole! 220 -- Milo Bloom, "Bloom County" 221%% 222... And then there's the guy who bought 20,000 bras, cut them in half, 223and sold 40,000 yamalchas with chin straps ... 224%% 225... the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the 226Devil out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for 227bridge. 228 -- Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES #19 229%% 230"A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a 231good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious 232scruples and the police." 233 -- Mr. Dooley 234%% 235A Nixon [is preferable to] a Dean Rusk -- who will be passionately 236wrong with a high sense of consistency. 237 -- J. K. Galbraith 238%% 239A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone, somewhere, 240is having fun. 241%% 242A bather whose clothing was strewed 243By breezes that left her quite nude, 244 Saw a man come along 245 And, unless I'm quite wrong, 246You expected this line to be lewd. 247%% 248A beat schizophrenic said, "Me? 249I am not I, I'm a tree." 250 But another, more sane, 251 Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!" 252And covered his pants leg with pee. 253%% 254A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for 255the first time. 256 -- Alfred E. Wiggam 257%% 258A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never 259learned to walk. 260 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt 261%% 262A friend with weed is a friend indeed. 263%% 264A hard man is good to find. 265%% 266A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy. 267%% 268A mathematician named Hall 269Has a hexahedronical ball, 270 And the cube of its weight 271 Times his pecker's, plus eight 272Is his phone number -- give him a call.. 273%% 274A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms. 275 --Phyllis Schlafly 276%% 277A nymph hits you and steals your virginity. 278%% 279A person who has both feet planted firmly in the air can be safely 280called a liberal. 281%% 282A pretty young lady named Vogel 283Once sat herself down on a molehill. 284 A curious mole 285 Nosed into her hole -- 286Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill. 287%% 288A pretty young maiden from France 289Decided she'd "just take a chance." 290 She let herself go 291 For an hour or so 292And now all her sisters are aunts. 293%% 294A remarkable race are the Persians; 295They have such peculiar diversions. 296 They make love the whole day 297 In the usual way 298And save up the nights for perversions. 299%% 300A team playing baseball in Dallas 301Called the umpire blind out of malice. 302 While this worthy had fits 303 The team made eight hits 304And a girl in the bleachers named Alice. 305%% 306A wanton young lady from Wimley 307Reproached for not acting quite primly 308 Said, "Heavens above! 309 I know sex isn't love, 310But it's such an entrancing facsimile." 311%% 312A widow who fancied a man some 313Was diddled three times in a hansome. 314 When she clamored for more 315 Her young man became sore 316And exclaimed "My name's Simpson not Samson." 317%% 318"A woman is like a dresser ... some man always goin' through her 319drawers." 320 --- Blind Lemon Pledge 321%% 322A worried young man from Stamboul 323Founds lots of red spots on his tool. 324 Said the doctor, a cynic, 325 "Get out of my clinic; 326Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!" 327%% 328AI hackers do it with robots. 329%% 330Achilles' Biological Findings: 331 (1) If a child looks like his father, that's heredity. If he 332 looks like a neighbor, that's environment. 333 (2) A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first 334 -- the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the rooster. 335%% 336Aide to Raygun: Sir, the poor are outside protesting your budget cuts. 337Raygun himself: Tell them they'll have to help themselves. 338Aide to Raygun: Sir, the Pentagon wants another $30 billion. 339Raygun himself: Tell them to help themselves. 340%% 341All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ, a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm 342place to shift. 343%% 344All things dull and ugly, All creatures short and squat, 345 All things rude and nasty, The Lord God made the lot; 346Each little snake that poisons, Each little wasp that stings, 347 He made their brutish venom, He made their horrid wings. 348All things sick and cancerous, All evil great and small, 349 All things foul and dangerous, The Lord God made them all. 350Each nasty little hornet, Each beastly little squid. 351 Who made the spikey urchin? Who made the sharks? He did. 352All things scabbed and ulcerous, All pox both great and small. 353 Putrid, foul and gangrenous, The Lord God made them all. 354 -- Monty Python's Flying Circus 355%% 356An Army travels on her stomach. 357%% 358An architect fellow named Yoric 359Could, when feeling euphoric, 360 Display for selection 361 Three kinds of erection -- 362Corinthian, ionic, and doric. 363%% 364An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree 365murder. "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuff his lover's 366mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border. 367Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the 368suitcase. Now, I would like to stress that my client is *___not* a 369murderer. A sloppy packer, maybe..." 370%% 371"And Bezel saideth unto Sham: `Sham,' he saideth, `Thou shalt goest 372unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine 373bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits, 374provideth that they are nice and fresh.'" 375 -- Dave Barry, "Getting Religion" 376%% 377Anxiety, n.: 378 The first time you can't do it a second time. 379 380Panic, n.: 381 The second time you can't do it the first time. 382%% 383Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was 384popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red- 385blooded born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from 386back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady. The city- 387slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, 388"Lady, I'll give you $10 for a blow job." The Texas gentleman looked 389appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city-slicker on the 390spot. The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, suh, for defendin' mah 391honor!" Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, 392hell!! No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of women in Texas!!" 393%% 394Baltimore, n.: 395 Where the women wear turtleneck sweaters to hide their flea 396collars. 397%% 398Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal). 399%% 400Behold the unborn fetus and 401 Weep salt tears crocodilian; 402All life is sacred (save, of course, 403 An enemy civilian). 404%% 405Being stoned on marijuana isn't very different from being stoned on 406gin. 407 -- Ralph Nader 408%% 409Beneath this stone a virgin lies, 410For her life held no terrors. 411A virgin born, a virgin died: 412No hits, no runs, no errors. 413%% 414Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth. 415%% 416Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere, 417Yankee Ingenuity did exactly that. But their true stroke of genius was 418the new bait. The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese; 419nobody cares much about cheese, except mice. But when American 420Know-How reloaded the brassiere with tits, every heterosexual male in 421the country was hopelessly trapped. 422 -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*" 423%% 424CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range) 425 426Oh, give me a clone 427Of my own flesh and bone 428 With the Y chromosome changed to X. 429And when she is grown, 430My very own clone, 431 We'll be of the opposite sex. 432 433Chorus: 434 Clone, clone of my own, 435 With the Y chromosome changed to X. 436 And when we're alone, 437 Since her mind is my own, 438 She'll be thinking of nothing but sex. 439 -- Randall Garrett 440%% 441Captain Hook died of jock itch. 442%% 443Chaste makes waste. 444%% 445Chipmunks roasting on an open fire 446Jack Frost ripping up your nose 447Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire 448And folks dressed up like buffaloes 449Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow 450Helps to make the season right 451Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out 452Will find it hard to see tonight 453They know that Santa's on his way 454He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh 455And every mother's child is sure to spy 456To see if reindeer really scream when they die 457And so I'm offering this simple phrase 458To kids from one to ninety two 459Although it's been said many times, many ways 460Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Fuck you!! 461%% 462Christian, n.: 463 One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired 464book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who 465follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent 466with a life of sin. 467%% 468Clarke's Third Law: 469 Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from 470 magic. 471 472G's Third Law: 473 In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe 474 is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit. 475 476H's Dictum: 477 There is no magic ... 478%% 479Cocaine is nature's way of telling you you have too much money. 480%% 481Coito ergo sum 482%% 483College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in, and nine months 484later you wish you'd never come. 485%% 486Communists do it without class. 487%% 488Conservative, n.: 489 One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead. 490 -- Leo C. Rosten 491%% 492Cunnilingus is next to godliness. 493%% 494Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you? ____FIRST you rape, ____THEN you 495pillage!! 496%% 497Dear Lord, observe this bended knee 498This visage meek and humble, 499And hear this confidential plea 500Voiced in reverent mumble: 501 Give me Shylock, give me Fagin 502 But O God spare me Ronald Reagan! 503 -- Ansel Adams 504%% 505Did you hear about the new German microwave oven? 506 507 ... Seats 500. 508%% 509Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.? 510%% 511Do something big -- fuck a giant 512%% 513Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning. 514%% 515"Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash." 516 -- Bo Diddley 517%% 518Draft beer, not people 519%% 520Eleven reasons a cucumber is better than a man: 521 1) Cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to 522 sleep in the wet spot. 523 2) Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves. 524 3) You won't find out later that your cucumber 525 ... is married 526 ... is on penicillin 527 ... likes you -- but loves your brother! 528 4) A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is. 529 5) A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet. 530 6) Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy". 531 7) Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count. 532 8) A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun. 533 9) Cucumbers don't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow. 534 10) Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do. 535 11) With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it. 536%% 537Evangelists do it with Him watching. 538%% 539Fie for shame, you lascivious, lewd, lecherous, libidinous, lustful, 540licentious, dirty bum!! 541%% 542Floppy now, hard later. 543%% 544Fornication, n.: 545 Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with. 546%% 547George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but 548he also admitted doing it. Now, do you know why his father didn't 549punish him? Because George still had the axe in his hand. 550%% 551Getting an education at the University of California is like 552having $50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time. 553%% 554God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends. 555%% 556God is an atheist. 557%% 558God isn't dead -- he's been busted 559%% 560God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft. 561%% 562God must love assholes -- She made so many of them. 563%% 564God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on 565where to go. 566 "Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter. 567 "No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God. 568 "Well, how about Mercury?" 569 "No, it's too hot there." 570 "Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?" 571 "No," said God, "They're such horrible gossips. When I was 572there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're 573still talking about it." 574%% 575Good day for water sports. Take a bath with a friend. 576%% 577Grain grows best in shit 578 -- Ursula K. LeGuin 579%% 580Great Lover, n.: 581 A man who can breathe through his ears. 582%% 583Hackers do it with all sorts of characters. 584%% 585Hackers do it with bugs. 586%% 587Hackers do it with fewer instructions. 588%% 589Hackers know all the right MOVs. 590%% 591Haggis, n.: 592 Haggis is a kind of stuff black pudding eaten by the Scots and 593considered by them to be not only a delicacy but fit for human 594consumption. The minced heart, liver and lungs of a sheep, calf or 595other animal's inner organs are mixed with oatmeal, sealed and boiled 596in maw in the sheep's intestinal stomach-bag and ... Excuse me a 597minute ... 598%% 599Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is 600to mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding. The principal 601difference between the husbandryman and the historian is that the 602former breeds sheep or cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed) 603facts. The husbandryman uses his skills to enrich the future; the 604historian uses his to enrich the past. Both are usually up to their 605ankles in bullshit. 606 -- Tom Robbins 607%% 608Having discovered the possibility that other creatures could be used 609for sexual intercourse, early man was likely to have made many such 610attempts ... though it is doubtful that he was so sexually carnivorous 611as the Christian and Jewish Adam, who, rabbinical interpreters of the 612Old Testament tell us, had intercourse with every creature before God 613finally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve. 614 -- R. E. Masters 615%% 616He hated to mend, so young Ned 617Called in a cute neighbor instead. 618 Her husband said, "Vi, 619 When you stitched up his torn fly, 620Did you have to bite off the thread?" 621%% 622He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Governor -- Hell, they 623_H_A_D to make him President of the United States. It's the only job he's 624qualified for! 625 -- Michael Cain 626%% 627He who findeth sensuous pleasures in the bodies of lush, hot, pink 628damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun. 629%% 630He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own 631hands. 632%% 633Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her. 634%% 635History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion -- 636i.e., none to speak of. 637 -- Lazarus Long 638%% 639"How do you like the new America? We've cut the fat out of the 640government, and more recently the heart and brain (the backbone was 641gone some time ago). All we seem to have left now is muscle. We'll be 642lucky to escape with our skins!" 643%% 644Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole 645 -- John Valby 646%% 647Hugh Hefner is a virgin. 648%% 649I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it 650once was ... an arctic wilderness 651 -- Steve Martin 652%% 653I came; I saw; I fucked up 654%% 655I have a funny daddy 656Who goes in and out with me 657And everything that baby does 658Daddy's sure to see, 659And everything that baby says, 660My daddy's sure to tell. 661You _m_u_s_t have read my daddy's verse. 662I hope he fries in Hell. 663 -- Ogden Nash 664%% 665I love this fucking University, and this University loves fucking me. 666%% 667I once met a lassie named Ruth 668In a long distance telephone booth. 669 Now I know the perfection 670 Of an ideal connection 671Even if somewhat uncouth. 672%% 673"I own my own body, but I share" 674%% 675I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as 676Martina Navratilova who can run like deer and bench-press Chevrolet 677trucks. But to be brutally frank, women as a group have a long way to 678go before they reach the level of intensity and dedication to sports 679that enables men to be such incredible jerks about it. 680 -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" 681%% 682I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of 683oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate 684commerce. 685 -- J. Edgar Hoover 686%% 687I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass. 688 -- Barry Goldwater 689%% 690I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse than anything else 691that has ever happened, and vice versa. 692 -- Frank Zappa 693%% 694I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of having to stay dead that 695scares the shit out of me. 696 -- R. Geis 697%% 698I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on 699now. 700%% 701If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound? 702%% 703If Reagan is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question. 704%% 705If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals? 706%% 707If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament. 708%% 709If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would 710suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is only 711fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966, 712only two went back to women. 713 -- Mort Sahl 714%% 715If you can believe ten impossible things before breakfast, then you 716should join 717 718 THE CHURCH OF COUNTERFACTUAL BELIEF 719 720The Church of Counterfactual Belief has been set up to cater to all who 721do not allow demonstrable truth to get in the way of their beliefs. In 722addition to creation science and the flatness of the earth, the 723following beliefs have been certified by Pope Duane as Church dogma: 724 725 -- That there is a hole in the Earth at the North Pole from which 726 UFOs come. 727 -- That pi equals precisely 3.000. 728 -- That sex can be enjoyed only by blacks and homosexuals. 729 -- That Billy Joe Wilson (Hoopla, Miss.) has successfully squared 730 the circle. 731 -- That Harry Truman is still president, and doing a fine job. 732 -- That pi equals precisely 22/7. 733 734Several other important counterfactual beliefs are presently being 735studied, including Reaganomics, A.I., and that the moon landings were 736done in a Hollywood special effects studio. These will be the subject 737of a forthcoming Papal Bull ... 738%% 739If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody 740in the whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments. 741%% 742If you think sex is a pain in the ass, try different position. 743%% 744"If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a piggy-back ride on a 745buzz-saw." 746 -- W. C. Fields 747%% 748Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion. 749 -- Robert Burton 750%% 751I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, 752it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French 753government -- I'd give it all up for one erection. 754 -- Groucho Marx 755%% 756In the Garden of Eden sat Adam, 757Massaging the bust of his madam, 758 He chuckled with mirth, 759 For he knew that on earth, 760There were only two boobs and he had 'em. 761%% 762Incest, n.: 763 Sibling revelry. 764%% 765It is a sad commentary on today's society that this fortune has to be 766classified as "offensive" simply because it contains the word "fuck". 767%% 768"I've had one child. My husband wants to have another. I'd like to 769watch him have another." 770%% 771Jesus died for your sins. Make it worth his time. 772%% 773Jesus was killed by a Moral Majority. 774%% 775John Birch Society -- that pathetic manifestation of organized 776apoplexy. 777 -- Edward P. Morgan 778%% 779Kasha, n.: 780 Kasha is always defined as "buckwheat groats". There's only one 781problem with this definition: what the fuck are "buckwheat groats"? _I 782know what they are -- they're kasha. But that doesn't help ___you much. 783 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 784%% 785Kill a commie for Christ! 786%% 787Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if each acts like a vulture, 788all will end as doves. 789%% 790Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone. 791%% 792Life is like a penis: when it's soft you can't beat it, and when it's 793hard you get fucked. 794%% 795Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it) ... 796%% 797Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola. What ain't 798fruits and nuts is flakes. 799%% 800Mathematicians do it in theory. 801%% 802Mathematicians take it to the limit. 803%% 804Missionary Position: 805 The missionary on top. 806%% 807Most legislators are so dumb that they couldn't pour piss out of a boot 808if the instructions were printed on the heel. 809%% 810Motto of the Electrical Engineer: 811 Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis: it 812 stays up as long as you don't fuck with it. 813%% 814My brother-in-law has found a way to make ends meet. He goes around 815with his head stuck up his ass. 816%% 817Nancy Reagan wants divorce old Ron ... seems he's making it hard for 818everyone but her. 819%% 820Nothing is better than Sex. 821Masturbation is better than nothing. 822Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex. 823%% 824O'Riordan's Theorem: 825 Brains x Beauty = Constant. 826 827Purmal's Corollary: 828 As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity, 829 availability goes to zero. 830%% 831Occident, n.: 832 The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It 833is largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the 834Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which 835they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, are the 836principal industries of the Orient. 837 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 838%% 839Ocean, n.: 840 A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for 841man -- who has no gills. 842%% 843Once a young gay from Khartoum 844Took a lesbian up to his room. 845 They argued all night 846 Over who had the right 847To do what, and with which, and to whom. 848%% 849Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to 850fly south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold, 851the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south. 852After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to 853earth in a barnyard almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on this 854little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure 855warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy the little sparrow 856began to sing. Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the 857chirping investigated the sounds. As Old Tom cleared away the manure, 858he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him. 859 860There are three morals to this story: 861 8621) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy. 8632) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend. 8643) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut. 865%% 866One day President Reagan, Chairman Andropov, the Pope, and a boy scout 867were flying together in an airplane. Right out in the middle of 868nowhere the plane developed engine trouble and started to go down. 869Unfortunately, only three parachutes could be found for the four 870passengers! Andropov grabbed one of the parachutes and declared 871"Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers revolution, my life must 872be spared," and he jumped out of the plane. Then Reagan exclaimed "As 873leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the world safe for 874democracy," and with that he too jumped to safety. Now if you are 875following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that 876there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers. The 877Pope looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and 878productive life, my son. You take the parachute and leave me in God's 879hands." "That's very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but 880there is no need. Reagan just jumped out with my knapsack." 881%% 882Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one, but nobody wants to 883look at the other guy's. 884 -- Hal Hickman 885%% 886Our team usually puts the other woman at second base, where the maximum 887possible number of males can get there on short notice to help out in 888case of emergency. As far as I can tell, our second basewoman is a 889pretty good baseball player, better than I am, anyway, but there's no 890way to know for sure because if the ball gets anywhere near her, a male 891comes barging over from, say, right field, to deal with it. She's been 892on the team for three seasons now, but the males still don't trust 893her. They know, deep in their souls, that if she had to choose between 894catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she probably would 895elect to save the infant's life, without ever considering whether there 896were men on base. 897 -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" 898%% 899Physicists do it with charm 900%% 901Politicians do it to everyone. 902%% 903Posterity will ne'er survey 904A nobler grave than this; 905Here lie the bones of Castlereagh; 906Stop, traveler, and piss. 907 -- Lord Byron, on Lord Castlereagh 908%% 909Procrastinators do it tomorrow. 910%% 911Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole and 912still come out ahead. 913%% 914Q: How do you play religious roulette? 915A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck 916 by lightning first. 917%% 918Q: How do you tell if an Elephant has been making love in your 919 backyard? 920A: If all your trashcan liners are missing ... 921%% 922Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, 923 or an airline stewardess? 924A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says: "We're 925 going to have to do this over and over again until we get it 926 right." An airline stewardess says: "Just hold this over your mouth 927 and nose, and breath normally." 928%% 929Q: How many right-to-lifers does it take to change a light bulb? 930A: Two. One to screw it in and one to say that light started when the 931 screwing began. 932%% 933Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb? 934A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself. 935%% 936Q: If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess, what would Cheetah 937 be? 938A: A fur coat. 939%% 940Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls? 941A: Walk him and pitch to the rhino. 942%% 943Q: What is "SMOORPLAY"? 944A: It's what SMURFS do before they SMUCK, of course! 945%% 946Q: What's Jewish foreplay? 947A: Two hours of begging. 948%% 949Q: Where can you buy black lace crotchless panties for sheep? 950A: Fredricks of Ithaca, New York. 951%% 952Q: Where does virgin wool come from? 953A: Ugly sheep. 954%% 955Randel, n.: 956 A nonsensical poem recited by Irish schoolboys as an apology 957for farting at a friend. 958 -- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure & 959 Preposterous Words 960%% 961Reagan can't _a_c_t either 962%% 963Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls? Only 964sissies liked girls? What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's 965changed. You think boys grow out of not liking girls, but we don't 966grow out of it. We just grow horny. That's the problem. We mix up 967liking pussy for liking girls. Believe me, one couldn't have less to 968do with the other. 969 -- Jules Feiffer 970%% 971Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians and eyebrows. 972Democrats raise Airedales, kids and taxes. 973 974Democrats eat the fish they catch. 975Republicans hang them on the wall. 976 977Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican 978girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first. 979 980Democrats make up plans and then do something else. 981Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made. 982 983Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA. 984The remainder is thrown out. 985 986Republicans sleep in twin beds -- some even in separate rooms. 987That is why there are more Democrats. 988 -- The Official Rules, as compiled by Paul Dickson 989%% 990Ronald Reagan -- America's favorite placebo 991%% 992Said Einstein, "I have an equation 993Which to some may seem rabelaisian: 994 Let _V be virginity 995 Approaching infinity; 996Let _P be a constant persuasion; 997 998"Let _V over _P be inverted 999With the square root of _M_u inserted 1000 _N times into _V ... 1001 The result, Q.E.D., 1002Is a relative!" Einstein asserted. 1003%% 1004Said a horny young girl from Milpitas, 1005"My favorite sport is coitus." 1006 But a fullback from State 1007 Made her period late, 1008And now she has athlete's fetus 1009%% 1010Said a swinging young chick named Lyth 1011Whose virtue was largely a myth, 1012 "Try as hard as I can, 1013 I can't find a man 1014That it's fun to be virtuous with." 1015%% 1016Save Soviet Jewry -- Win Valuable Prizes!!!! 1017%% 1018Sex is like a bridge game -- 1019If you have a good hand no partner is needed. 1020%% 1021Sex is the poor man's opera. 1022 -- G. B. Shaw 1023%% 1024She asked me if I loved her still. "Yes," I replied. "I've never had 1025you any other way." 1026%% 1027She hates testicles, thus limiting the men she can admire to Democratic 1028candidates for president. 1029 -- John Greenway, "The American Tradition", on feminist 1030 Elizabeth Gould Davis 1031%% 1032Statisticians do it with 95% confidence. 1033%% 1034Statisticians probably do it. 1035%% 1036Subpoena,n .: 1037 From the root "sub", below, and the Latin "poena" for male 1038organ or penis. Therefore, "below the penis" or "by the balls." 1039%% 1040Support the right of unborn males to bear arms! 1041 -- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly, 1042 the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle 1043 Association 1044%% 1045Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests. But what if he 1046forgets? 1047%% 1048Sure eating yogurt will improve your sex life. People know that if 1049you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything. 1050%% 1051The United States Army; 1052194 years of proud service, 1053unhampered by progress. 1054%% 1055The computer is the ultimate polluter: its shit is indistinguishable 1056from the food it produces. 1057%% 1058The difference between this school and a cactus plant is that the 1059cactus has the pricks on the outside. 1060%% 1061The other night I was having sex, but the girl hung up on me. 1062%% 1063The problem with being best man at a wedding is that you never get a 1064chance to prove it. 1065%% 1066The real problem with fucking a sheep is that you have to walk around 1067in front every time you want to kiss her. 1068%% 1069The sergeant walked into the shower and caught me giving myself a 1070dishonorable discharge. Without missing a beat, I said, "It's my dick 1071and I can wash it as fast as I want!" 1072%% 1073"The voters have spoken, the bastards ..." 1074%% 1075"The whole world is about three drinks behind." 1076 -- Humphrey Bogart 1077%% 1078The word "spine" is, of course, an anagram of "penis". This is true in 1079almost fifty percent of the languages of the Galaxy, and many people 1080have attempted to explain why. Usually these explanations get bogged 1081down in silly puns about "standing erect". 1082 -- Donald Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 1083%% 1084The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit. 1085%% 1086There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's. 1087%% 1088There once was a Scot named McAmeter 1089With a tool of prodigious diameter. 1090 It was not the size 1091 That cause such surprise; 1092'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter. 1093%% 1094There once was a couple named Kelley, 1095Who lived their life belly to belly. 1096 Because in their haste 1097 They used Library Paste, 1098Instead of Petroleum Jelly. 1099%% 1100There once was a freshman named Lin, 1101Whose tool was as thin as a pin, 1102 A virgin named Joan 1103 From a bible belt home, 1104Said "This won't be much of a sin." 1105%% 1106There once was a hacker named Ken 1107Who inherited truckloads of Yen 1108 So he built him some chicks 1109 Of silicon chips 1110And hasn't been heard from since then. 1111%% 1112There once was a lady from Exeter, 1113So pretty that men craned their necks at her. 1114 One was even so brave 1115 As to take out and wave 1116The distinguishing mark of his sex at her. 1117%% 1118There once was a plumber from Leigh, 1119Who was plumbing his maid by the sea, 1120 Said she, "Please stop plumbing, 1121 I think someone's coming!" 1122Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me." 1123%% 1124There once was a queen of Bulgaria 1125Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier, 1126 Till a prince from Peru 1127 Who came up for a screw 1128Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier. 1129%% 1130There once was a young man named Gene 1131Who invented a screwing machine 1132 Concave and convex 1133 It served either sex 1134And it played with itself in between. 1135%% 1136There was a bluestocking in Florence 1137Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents, 1138 Till a Spanish grandee, 1139 Got her off with his knee, 1140And she burned all her works with abhorrence. 1141%% 1142There was a gay countess of Bray, 1143And you may think it odd when I say, 1144 That in spite of high station, 1145 Rank and education, 1146She always spelled cunt with a "k". 1147%% 1148There was a young fellow named Bliss 1149Whose sex life was strangely amiss, 1150 For even with Venus 1151 His recalcitrant penis 1152Would never do better than t 1153 h 1154 i 1155 s 1156 . 1157%% 1158There was a young girl from Hong Kong 1159Whose cervical cap was a gong. 1160 She said with a yell, 1161 As a shot rang her bell, 1162"I'll give you a ding for a dong!" 1163%% 1164There was a young girl named Sapphire 1165Who succumbed to her lover's desire. 1166 She said, "It's a sin, 1167 But now that it's in, 1168Could you shove it a few inches higher?" 1169%% 1170There was a young girl of Angina 1171Who stretched catgut across her vagina. 1172 From the love-making frock 1173 (With the proper sized cock) 1174Came Tocata and Fugue in D minor. 1175%% 1176There was a young girl of Darjeeling 1177Who could dance with such exquisite feeling 1178 There was never a sound 1179 For miles around 1180Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling. 1181%% 1182There was a young lad name of Durcan 1183Who was always jerkin' his gherkin. 1184 His father said, "Durcan! 1185 Stop jerkin' your gherkin! 1186Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'. 1187%% 1188There was a young lady from Maine 1189Who claimed she had men on her brain. 1190 But you knew from the view, 1191 As her abdomen grew, 1192It was not on her brain that he'd lain. 1193%% 1194There was a young lady named Clair 1195Who possessed a magnificent pair; 1196 At least so I thought 1197 Till I saw one get caught 1198On a thorn, and begin losing air. 1199%% 1200There was a young lady named Hall, 1201Wore a newspaper dress to a ball. 1202 The dress caught on fire 1203 And burned her entire 1204Front page, sporting section, and all. 1205%% 1206There was a young lady named Twiss 1207Who said she thought fucking a bliss, 1208 For it tickled her bum 1209 And caused her to come 1210.siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW 1211%% 1212There was a young lady of Norway 1213Who hung by her toes in a doorway. 1214 She said to her beau 1215 "Just look at me Joe 1216I think I've discovered one more way." 1217%% 1218There was a young man from Bel-Aire 1219Who was screwing his girl on the stair, 1220 But the banister broke 1221 So he doubled his stroke 1222And finished her off in mid-air. 1223%% 1224There was a young man named Crockett 1225Whose balls got caught in a socket. 1226 His wife was a bitch, 1227 And she threw the switch, 1228As Crockett went off like a rocket. 1229%% 1230There was a young man of Cape Horn 1231Who wished he had never been born, 1232 And he wouldn't have been 1233 If his father had seen 1234That the end of the rubber was torn. 1235%% 1236There was a young man of St. John's 1237Who wanted to bugger the swans. 1238 But the loyal hall porter 1239 Said, "Pray take my daughter! 1240Those birds are reserved for the dons." 1241%% 1242There was a young whore from kaloo 1243Who filled her vagina with glue. 1244 She said with a grin, 1245 "If they pay to get in, 1246They can pay to get out again too!" 1247%% 1248There was an old man of the port 1249Whose prick was remarkably short. 1250 When he got into bed, 1251 The old woman said, 1252"This isn't a prick; it's a wart!" 1253%% 1254There was an old pirate named Bates 1255Who was learning to rhumba on skates. 1256 He fell on his cutlass 1257 Which rendered him nutless 1258And practically useless on dates. 1259%% 1260There were the Scots 1261Who kept the Sabbath 1262And everything else they could lay their hands on. 1263Then there were the Welsh 1264Who prayed on their knees and their neighbors. 1265Thirdly there were the Irish 1266Who never knew what they wanted 1267But were willing to fight for it anyway. 1268Lastly there were the English 1269Who considered themselves a self-made nation 1270Thus relieving the Almighty of a dreadful responsibility. 1271%% 1272There's more than one way to skin a cat: 1273 Way number 15 -- Krazy Glue and a toothbrush. 1274%% 1275There's more than one way to skin a cat: 1276 Way number 27 -- Use an electric sander. 1277%% 1278There's more than one way to skin a cat: 1279 Way number 32 -- Wrap it around a lonely frat man's pecker. 1280%% 1281There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter 1282and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex. 1283 -- Billy Joel 1284%% 1285There's nothing wrong with America that a good erection wouldn't cure. 1286 -- David Mairowitz 1287%% 1288They [District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there 1289are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity: 1290 1291(1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and 1292 confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold 1293 a press conference where you announce that they have a street value 1294 of $850 million. These raids never fail, because ALL high schools, 1295 including brand-new, never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana 1296 cigarettes in the lockers. As far as anyone can tell, the locker 1297 factory puts them there. 1298(2) Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you 1299 announce you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a 1300 piece of human sleaze. This also never fails, because you always 1301 get a conviction. A juror at a pornography trial is not about to 1302 state for the record that he finds nothing obscene about a movie 1303 where actors engage in sexual activities with live snakes and a 1304 fire extinguisher. He is going to convict the bookstore owner, and 1305 vote for the death penalty just to make sure nobody gets the wrong 1306 impression. 1307 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" 1308%% 1309This is National Smokers-Are-Shits Week. 1310%% 1311This is a test of the emergency cunnilingus system. If this had been an 1312actual emergency, you would have known it! 1313%% 1314This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend you. So I'll put 1315"di-dah" for the filthy words: 1316 1317 Di-dah, di-dah, di-dah di-dah, 1318 Di-dah di-dah di-dah, di-dah; 1319 di-dah di-dah di-dah? 1320 Di-dah di-dah di-dah. 1321 Di-dah di-dah, di-dah di-fuck. 1322%% 1323This test has been designed to evaluate reactions of management 1324personal to various situations. 1325 1326You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives 1327in the plushest office you've ever seen. The enchillada casserole and 1328egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure. 1329Your sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass 1330bookcase doors to shatter and a secretary to pass out. 1331 1332YOU SHOULD: 1333 1334(A) Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away. 1335(B) Point to the Chief Executive and accuse him of the offense. 1336(C) Challenge anyone in the room to do better. 1337%% 1338Thou shalt not omit adultery. 1339%% 1340To a Real Woman, every ejaculation is premature. 1341%% 1342"Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad 1343name." 1344 -- Gore Vidal 1345%% 1346'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod And as in raffish thought he sprawled, 1347Did groove and trip out at the pad: The Radcliffe girl, no idle flirt, 1348All whimsy were the slamming chicks, Crept past the hippies getting balled 1349And the Radcliffe undergrad. And doffed her miniskirt. 1350 1351"Beware the Radcliff girl, my son! One, two! One, two! And through 1352The looks that melt, the claws that and through 1353 catch! The venerable staff went snicker-snack! 1354Beware the Byrn Mawr deb, and shun He left her bred, sans maidenhead, 1355The uppity Wellesleysnatch!" And went galumphing back. 1356 1357He took his venerable staff in hand: "And hast thou laid the Radcliffe girl? 1358Long time the cool young stuff he Come to my arms, my horny boy! 1359 sought -- O spaced-out day! Calooh! Callay!" 1360So rested he among the spree He cackled in his joy. 1361And paused to smoke some pot. 1362 'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod 1363 Did groove and trip out at the pad: 1364 All whimsy were the slamming chicks, 1365 And the Radcliffe undergrad. 1366%% 1367"Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it's just the 1368opposite." 1369 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 1370%% 1371Vidi, vici, veni. 1372(I saw, I conquered, I came.) 1373%% 1374Virgin, n.: 1375 An ugly third grader. 1376%% 1377War is menstruation envy. 1378%% 1379We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid. 1380%% 1381"We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at 1382hand." 1383 -- James Watt 1384%% 1385Well, see, Joyce, there we were, trapped in the elevator. Now, I had 1386my tennis racquet and the goldfish; she was holding the Crisco. Surely 1387you can imagine how one thing naturally led to another! 1388%% 1389What can you use used tampons for? Tea bags for vampires. 1390%% 1391When God created man, She was only testing. 1392%% 1393"When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like that 1394can't happen." 1395 -- Richard Nixon as a boy (on the Teapot Dome scandal) 1396%% 1397When it all boils down to the essence of truth one must live by a dog's 1398rule of life: if you can't eat it or fuck it, piss on it! 1399%% 1400While I, with my usual enthusiasm, 1401Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm, 1402 She explained, "They are flat, 1403 But think nothing of that -- 1404You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm." 1405%% 1406"White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it 1407so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall. That way, by the 1408time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair." 1409%% 1410Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are 1411horses? 1412 -- G. Gordon Liddy 1413%% 1414Why marry a virgin? If she wasn't good enough for the rest of them 1415then she isn't good enough for you. 1416%% 1417Women Unite! Make *___him* sleep in the wet spot tonight! 1418%% 1419Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination 1420 -- Graffito in a women's restroom 1421%% 1422Womens Libbers are OK. I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one. 1423%% 1424"Yes, that was Richard Nixon. He used to be President. When he left 1425the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware." 1426 -- Woody Allen, "Sleeper" 1427%% 1428You are at a business lunch when you are suddenly overcome with an 1429uncontrollable desire to pick your nose. Since this is definitely a 1430no-no, you: 1431 1432(a) Pretend to wave to someone across the room and with one fluid 1433 motion, bury your forefinger in your nostril right up to the 4th 1434 joint. 1435 1436(b) Get everyone drunk and organize a nose picking contest with a 1437 prize to the one who makes his nose bleed first. 1438 1439(c) Drop your napkin on the floor and when you bend over to pick it 1440 up, blow your nose on your sock. 1441%% 1442You are making a presentation to a group of corporate executives in the 1443plushest board room you have ever seen. The hot enchillada casserole 1444and egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating a severe 1445pressure. Your sphincter loses its control and you break wind in a 1446most convincing manner causing 3 water tumblers to shatter and a 1447secretary to pass out. What you should do next is: 1448 1449(a) Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away. 1450 1451(b) Point out the Marketing Manager and accuse him of the act. 1452 1453(c) Challenge anyone in the room to do better. 1454%% 1455You better believe that marijuana can cause castration. Just suppose 1456your girlfriend gets the munchies! 1457%% 1458You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't 1459pick your friend's nose. 1460%% 1461You come out of a woman and you spend the rest of your life trying to 1462get back inside. 1463 -- Heathcote Williams 1464%% 1465You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January 1466and tell your boss that nobody but whores and football players live 1467there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. You: 1468 1469(a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't remember your 1470 name. 1471 1472(b) Ask what position she played. 1473 1474(c) Ask if she is still working the streets. 1475%% 1476You have prepared a proposal for your supervisor. The success of this 1477proposal will mean increasing your salary 20%. In the middle of your 1478proposal your supervisor leans over to look at your report and spits 1479into your coffee. You: 1480 1481(a) Tell him you take your coffee black. 1482 1483(b) Ask him if he has any communicable diseases. 1484 1485(c) Show him who's in command; promptly take a leak in his "In" 1486 basket. 1487%% 1488