171: 2 69 with two fingers up your ass. 3 -- George Carlin 4% 5A bather whose clothing was strewed 6By breezes that left her quite nude, 7 Saw a man come along 8 And, unless I'm quite wrong, 9You expected this line to be lewd. 10% 11A beat schizophrenic said, "Me? 12I am not I, I'm a tree." 13 But another, more sane, 14 Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!" 15And covered his pants leg with pee. 16% 17A bureaucracy is like a septic tank -- all the really big shits float 18to the top. 19% 20A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on 21Saturday and is going to do on Monday. 22 -- Thomas Ybarra 23% 24A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for 25the first time. 26 -- Alfred E. Wiggam 27% 28A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never 29learned to walk. 30 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt 31% 32A friend with weed is a friend indeed. 33% 34A hard man is good to find. 35% 36A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy. 37% 38A mathematician named Hall 39Has a hexahedronical ball, 40 And the cube of its weight 41 Times his pecker's, plus eight 42Is his phone number -- give him a call.. 43% 44"A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a 45good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious 46scruples and the police." 47 -- Mr. Dooley 48% 49A Nixon [is preferable to] a Dean Rusk -- who will be passionately 50wrong with a high sense of consistency. 51 -- J. K. Galbraith 52% 53A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms. 54 -- Phyllis Schlafly 55% 56A nymph hits you and steals your virginity. 57% 58A person who has both feet planted firmly in the air can be safely 59called a liberal. 60% 61A pretty young lady named Vogel 62Once sat herself down on a molehill. 63 A curious mole 64 Nosed into her hole -- 65Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill. 66% 67A pretty young maiden from France 68Decided she'd "just take a chance." 69 She let herself go 70 For an hour or so 71And now all her sisters are aunts. 72% 73A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone, somewhere, is 74having fun. 75% 76A reactionary is a man whose political opinions always manage to keep 77up with yesterday. 78% 79A remarkable race are the Persians; 80They have such peculiar diversions. 81 They make love the whole day 82 In the usual way 83And save up the nights for perversions. 84% 85A team playing baseball in Dallas 86Called the umpire blind out of malice. 87 While this worthy had fits 88 The team made eight hits 89And a girl in the bleachers named Alice. 90% 91A wanton young lady from Wimley 92Reproached for not acting quite primly 93 Said, "Heavens above! 94 I know sex isn't love, 95But it's such an entrancing facsimile." 96% 97A widow who fancied a man some 98Was diddled three times in a hansome. 99 When she clamored for more 100 Her young man became sore 101And exclaimed "My name's Simpson not Samson." 102% 103"A woman is like a dresser ... some man always goin' through her 104drawers." 105 -- Blind Lemon Pledge 106% 107A worried young man from Stamboul 108Founds lots of red spots on his tool. 109 Said the doctor, a cynic, 110 "Get out of my clinic; 111Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!" 112% 113A.I. hackers do it with robots. 114% 115Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder. 116% 117"Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western 118religion, Rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of 119Western science." 120 -- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters" 121% 122Achilles' Biological Findings: 123 (1) If a child looks like his father, that's heredity. If he 124 looks like a neighbor, that's environment. 125 (2) A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first 126 -- the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the 127 rooster. 128% 129Aide to Raygun: Sir, the poor are outside protesting your budget 130 cuts. 131Raygun himself: Tell them they'll have to help themselves. 132Aide to Raygun: Sir, the Pentagon wants another $30 billion. 133Raygun himself: Tell them to help themselves. 134% 135All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ, a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm 136place to shift. 137% 138All the waters of the earth are in the armpit of the Great Frog. 139 -- R. Crumb 140% 141All things dull and ugly, All creatures short and squat, 142 All things rude and nasty, The Lord God made the lot; 143Each little snake that poisons, Each little wasp that stings, 144 He made their brutish venom, He made their horrid wings. 145All things sick and cancerous, All evil great and small, 146 All things foul and dangerous, The Lord God made them all. 147Each nasty little hornet, Each beastly little squid. 148 Who made the spikey urchin? Who made the sharks? He did. 149All things scabbed and ulcerous, All pox both great and small. 150 Putrid, foul and gangrenous, The Lord God made them all. 151 -- Monty Python's Flying Circus 152% 153America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room. Every time it 154wags its tail, it knocks over a chair. 155 -- Arnold Joseph Toynbee 156% 157An architect fellow named Yoric 158Could, when feeling euphoric, 159 Display for selection 160 Three kinds of erection -- 161Corinthian, ionic, and doric. 162% 163An Army travels on her stomach. 164% 165An egg has the shortest sex-life of all: if gets laid once; it gets 166eaten once. It also has to come in a box with 11 others, and the only 167person who will sit on its face is its mother. 168% 169"And Bezel saideth unto Sham: `Sham,' he saideth, `Thou shalt goest 170unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine 171bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits, 172provideth that they are nice and fresh.'" 173 -- Dave Barry, "Getting Religion" 174% 175 And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?" 176 They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the 177ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our 178very selfhood revealed." 179 And Jesus replied, "What?" 180% 181... And then there's the guy who bought 20,000 bras, cut them in half, 182and sold 40,000 yamalchas with chin straps ... 183% 184Anxiety, n.: 185 The first time you can't do it a second time. 186 187Panic, n.: 188 The second time you can't do it the first time. 189% 190"Anything created must necessarily be inferior to the essence of the creator." 191 -- Claude Shouse 192 193"Einstein's mother must have been one heck of a physicist." 194 -- Joseph C. Wang 195% 196"Approximately 80% of our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons 197released by vegetation, so let's not go overboard in setting and 198enforcing tough emissions standards from man-made sources." 199 -- Ronald Reagan 200% 201Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was 202popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red- 203blooded born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from 204back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady. The city- 205slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, 206"Lady, I'll give you $10 for a blow job." The Texas gentleman looked 207appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city-slicker on the 208spot. The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, suh, for defendin' mah 209honor!" Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, 210hell! No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of women in Texas!" 211% 212Baltimore, n.: 213 Where the women wear turtleneck sweaters to hide their flea 214collars. 215% 216Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal). 217% 218"Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think 219Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 220 221 (1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 222 (2) Advising the President. 223 (3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin." 224 -- David Letterman 225% 226Be prepared... that's the Boy Scout's solemn creed. 227Be prepared... to be clean in word and deed. 228Don't solicit for your sister, that's not nice, 229Unless you get a good percentage of her price ... 230 -- Tom Lehrer 231% 232Behold the unborn fetus and 233 Weep salt tears crocodilian; 234All life is sacred (save, of course, 235 An enemy civilian). 236% 237Being stoned on marijuana isn't very different from being stoned on 238gin. 239 -- Ralph Nader 240% 241Beneath this stone a virgin lies, 242For her life held no terrors. 243A virgin born, a virgin died: 244No hits, no runs, no errors. 245% 246Beware of altruism. It is based on self-deception, the root of all 247evil. 248% 249Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth. 250% 251Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question. 252% 253Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere, 254Yankee Ingenuity did exactly that. But their true stroke of genius was 255the new bait. The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese; 256nobody cares much about cheese, except mice. But when American 257Know-How reloaded the brassiere with tits, every heterosexual male in 258the country was hopelessly trapped. 259 -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*" 260% 261... But the reward of a successful collaboration is a thing that cannot 262be produced by either of the parties working alone. It is akin to the 263benefits of sex with a partner, as opposed to masturbation. The latter 264is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing with 265him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole bunch 266of knuckles. 267 -- Harlan Ellison 268% 269"California is proud to be the home of the freeway." 270 -- Ronald Reagan 271% 272"Can you hammer a 6-inch spike into a wooden plank with your penis?" 273 274"Uh, not right now." 275 276"Tsk. A girl has to have some standards." 277 -- "Real Genius" 278% 279Captain Hook died of jock itch. 280% 281Champagne don't make me lazy. 282Cocaine don't drive me crazy. 283Ain't nobody's business but my own. 284 -- Taj Mahal 285% 286Chaste makes waste. 287% 288Chipmunks roasting on an open fire 289Jack Frost ripping up your nose 290Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire 291And folks dressed up like buffaloes 292Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow 293Helps to make the season right 294Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out 295Will find it hard to see tonight 296They know that Santa's on his way 297He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh 298And every mother's child is sure to spy 299To see if reindeer really scream when they die 300And so I'm offering this simple phrase 301To kids from one to ninety two 302Although it's been said many times, many ways 303Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Fuck you!! 304% 305Christian, n.: 306 One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired 307book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who 308follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent 309with a life of sin. 310% 311Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found 312difficult and not tried. 313 -- G. K. Chesterton 314% 315Clarke's Third Law: 316 Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from 317magic. 318 319G's Third Law: 320 In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe 321is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit. 322 323H's Dictum: 324 There is no magic ... 325% 326Claude believed that only smart attractive people had the right to 327fuck, and it sincerely hurt him when he discovered evidence to the 328contrary. 329 -- Tom Robbins 330% 331CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range) 332 333Oh, give me a clone 334Of my own flesh and bone 335 With the Y chromosome changed to X. 336And when she is grown, 337My very own clone, 338 We'll be of the opposite sex. 339 340Chorus: 341 Clone, clone of my own, 342 With the Y chromosome changed to X. 343 And when we're alone, 344 Since her mind is my own, 345 She'll be thinking of nothing but sex. 346 -- Randall Garrett 347% 348Cocaine is nature's way of telling you you have too much money. 349% 350Coito ergo sum 351% 352College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in, and nine months 353later you wish you'd never come. 354% 355Communists do it without class. 356% 357Condoms are like listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears. 358% 359Conservative, n.: 360 One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead. 361 -- Leo C. Rosten 362% 363Conserve energy -- make love more slowly. 364% 365Cunnilingus is next to godliness. 366% 367Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you? _____FIRST you rape, ____THEN you 368pillage!! 369% 370Dear Lord, observe this bended knee 371This visage meek and humble, 372And hear this confidential plea 373Voiced in reverent mumble: 374 Give me Shylock, give me Fagin 375 But O God spare me Ronald Reagan! 376 -- Ansel Adams 377% 378"Dear Mr. Seldes: I cannot remember the exact wording of the statement 379to which you allude; but what I meant was that ... a man who calls 380himself a 100% American and is proud of it, is generally 150% an idiot 381politically. But the designations may be good business for war 382veterans. Having bled for their country in 1861 and 1918, they have 383bled it all they could consequently. And why not?" 384 -- George Seldes, "The Great Quotations" 385% 386Democracy can learn some things from Communism: for example, when a 387Communist politician is through, he is through. 388% 389Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for 390the people. 391 -- Oscar Wilde 392% 393Did you hear about the new German microwave oven? 394 395 ... Seats 500. 396% 397Did you know that Spiro Agnew is an anagram of "Grow a Penis" 398% 399Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.? 400% 401[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are 402two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity: 403 404(1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and 405 confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold 406 a press conference where you announce that they have a street value 407 of $850 million. These raids never fail, because ALL high schools, 408 including brand-new, never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana 409 cigarettes in the lockers. As far as anyone can tell, the locker 410 factory puts them there. 411(2) Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you 412 announce you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a 413 piece of human sleaze. This also never fails, because you always 414 get a conviction. A juror at a pornography trial is not about to 415 state for the record that he finds nothing obscene about a movie 416 where actors engage in sexual activities with live snakes and a 417 fire extinguisher. He is going to convict the bookstore owner, and 418 vote for the death penalty just to make sure nobody gets the wrong 419 impression. 420 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" 421% 422Do something big -- fuck a giant 423% 424"Do you cheat on your wife?" asked the psychiatrist. 425"Who else?" answered the patient. 426% 427Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning. 428% 429"Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash." 430 -- Bo Diddley 431% 432Dope will get you through times of no money better that money will get 433you through times of no dope. 434 -- Gilbert Shelton 435% 436Draft beer, not people 437% 438Eat the rich -- the poor are tough and stringy. 439% 440Eisenhower was very nice, 441Nixon was his only vice. 442 -- C. Degen 443% 444Eleven reasons a cucumber is better than a man: 445 (1) Cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to 446 sleep in the wet spot. 447 (2) Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find 448 themselves. 449 (3) You won't find out later that your cucumber (a) is 450 married, (b) is on penicillin, (c) likes you -- but loves 451 your brother! 452 (4) A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is. 453 (5) A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are 454 wet. 455 (6) Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a 456 boy". 457 (7) Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count. 458 (8) A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun. 459 (9) Cucumbers don't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the 460 pillow. 461 (10) Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do. 462 (11) With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you 463 left it. 464% 465Equality is not when a female Einstein gets promoted to assistant 466professor; equality is when a female schlemiel moves ahead as fast as a 467male schlemiel. 468 -- Ewald Nyquist 469% 470Evangelists do it with Him watching. 471% 472"Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling 473just a bit unchivalrous ..." 474 -- Robert Benchley 475% 476Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of 477women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their 478handbags are full. 479 -- Earl Wilson 480% 481Fie for shame, you lascivious, lewd, lecherous, libidinous, lustful, 482licentious, dirty bum!! 483% 484Floppy now, hard later. 485% 486For those of you how have been looking for evidence that a working 487version of "Star Wars" can be built, consider the following proof 488offered by Caspar Weinberger: 489 490 "If such a system is so unattainable, why have the Soviets been 491 working desperately to get it for over 17 years?" 492 493 -- USA Today, 24 June 1986 494% 495Fornication, n.: 496 Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with. 497% 498Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #25: 499 500Q: You say you had three men punching at you, kicking you, raping you, 501 and you didn't scream? 502A: No ma'am. 503Q: Does that mean you consented? 504A: No, ma'am. That means I was unconscious. 505% 506George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but 507he also admitted doing it. Now, do you know why his father didn't 508punish him? Because George still had the axe in his hand. 509% 510Getting an education at the University of California is like having 511$50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time. 512% 513"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company." 514 -- Mark Twain 515% 516 "God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no 517matter what style of fucking it practiced. He made sex irresistibly 518pleasurable, wildly joyous, free from fears. He made it innocent 519merriment. 520 "Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit. Everyone 521agreed, from aardvarks to zebras. All the jolly animals -- lions and 522lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects, 523though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along 524innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they 525were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one." 526 -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*" 527% 528God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends. 529% 530God is an atheist. 531% 532GOD is applied POWER 533 which is applied GOVERNMENT 534 which is applied POLITICS 535 which is applied ADVERTISING 536 which is applied SOCIOLOGY 537 which is applied PSYCHOLOGY 538 which is applied BIOLOGY 539 which is applied CHEMISTRY 540 which is applied PHYSICS 541 which is applied MATH 542 which is applied PHILOSOPHY 543 which is applied BULLSHIT 544% 545"God is as real as I am," the old man said. My faith was restored, for 546I new that Santa would never lie. 547% 548"God is big, so don't fuck with him." 549% 550God isn't dead -- he's been busted 551% 552God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft. 553% 554God must love assholes -- She made so many of them. 555% 556God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on 557where to go. 558 "Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter. 559 "No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God. 560 "Well, how about Mercury?" 561 "No, it's too hot there." 562 "Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?" 563 "No," said God, "They're such horrible gossips. When I was 564there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're 565still talking about it." 566% 567Good day for water sports. Take a bath with a friend. 568% 569Grain grows best in shit 570 -- Ursula K. LeGuin 571% 572Gravity is an unforgiving motherfucker. 573% 574Great Lover, n.: 575 A man who can breathe through his ears. 576% 577Hackers do it with all sorts of characters. 578% 579Hackers do it with bugs. 580% 581Hackers do it with fewer instructions. 582% 583Hackers know all the right MOVs. 584% 585Haggis, n.: 586 Haggis is a kind of stuff black pudding eaten by the Scots and 587considered by them to be not only a delicacy but fit for human 588consumption. The minced heart, liver and lungs of a sheep, calf or 589other animal's inner organs are mixed with oatmeal, sealed and boiled 590in maw in the sheep's intestinal stomach-bag and ... Excuse me a minute ... 591% 592Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is 593to mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding. The principal 594difference between the husbandryman and the historian is that the 595former breeds sheep or cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed) 596facts. The husbandryman uses his skills to enrich the future; the 597historian uses his to enrich the past. Both are usually up to their 598ankles in bullshit. 599 -- Tom Robbins 600% 601Having discovered the possibility that other creatures could be used 602for sexual intercourse, early man was likely to have made many such 603attempts ... though it is doubtful that he was so sexually carnivorous 604as the Christian and Jewish Adam, who, rabbinical interpreters of the 605Old Testament tell us, had intercourse with every creature before God 606finally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve. 607 -- R. E. Masters 608% 609"He could be a poster child for retroactive birth control." 610% 611He hated to mend, so young Ned 612Called in a cute neighbor instead. 613 Her husband said, "Vi, 614 When you stitched up his torn fly, 615Did you have to bite off the thread?" 616% 617He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Governor -- Hell, they 618_H_A_D to make him President of the United States. It's the only job he's 619qualified for! 620 -- Michael Cain 621% 622He who findeth sensuous pleasures in the bodies of lush, hot, pink 623damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun. 624% 625He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own 626hands. 627% 628"He's not pining, he's passed on! This parrot won't squawk! He's 629ceased to be! He's expired, and gone to meet his maker! It's a 630stiff! No breath of life, he may rest in peace! If you hadn't nailed 631him to the perch, he'd be pushing up the daisies! He's off the twig! 632He's kicked the bucket! He's curled up his tooties! He's shuffled off 633this mortal world! He's run down the curtain, and joined the bleed'n 634Choir Invincible! HE'S FUCKING SNUFFED IT! Vis-a-vi his metabolic 635processes is head is lost. All statements concerning this parrot is no 636longer a going concern, after from now on, Inoperative... 637 638 THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!! 639% 640Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest 641in a yak. 642 -- Woody Allen 643% 644Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her. 645% 646Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled with 647the issue of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John Paul 648Stevens came up with the famous quotation about how he couldn't define 649pornography, but he knew it when he saw it. So for a while, the 650court's policy was to have all the suspected pornography trucked to 651Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it over. "Nope, this isn't 652it," he'd say. "Bring some more." This went on until one morning when 653his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an 654enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a 655ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except 656that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about 657it because the court was going to take a nap. 658 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" 659% 660"Here's the holiday schedule for Monday's observation of Martin Luther 661King Jr.'s birthday, when the following will be closed: 662 663 * Governmental offices 664 * Post offices 665 * Libraries 666 * Schools 667 * Banks 668 * Parts of Palm Beach 669 670and the mind of Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina." 671 -- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live" 672% 673History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion -- 674i.e., none to speak of. 675 -- Lazarus Long 676% 677"How do you like the new America? We've cut the fat out of the 678government, and more recently the heart and brain (the backbone was 679gone some time ago). All we seem to have left now is muscle. We'll be 680lucky to escape with our skins!" 681% 682Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole 683 -- John Valby 684% 685Hugh Hefner is a virgin. 686% 687I am an atheist, thank God! 688% 689I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it 690once was ... an arctic wilderness 691 -- Steve Martin 692% 693I came; I saw; I fucked up 694% 695I have a funny daddy 696Who goes in and out with me 697And everything that baby does 698Daddy's sure to see, 699And everything that baby says, 700My daddy's sure to tell. 701You _m_u_s_t have read my daddy's verse. 702I hope he fries in Hell. 703 -- Ogden Nash 704% 705I love this fucking University, and this University loves fucking me. 706% 707I once met a lassie named Ruth 708In a long distance telephone booth. 709 Now I know the perfection 710 Of an ideal connection 711Even if somewhat uncouth. 712% 713"I own my own body, but I share" 714% 715I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as 716Martina Navratilova who can run like deer and bench-press Chevrolet 717trucks. But to be brutally frank, women as a group have a long way to 718go before they reach the level of intensity and dedication to sports 719that enables men to be such incredible jerks about it. 720 -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" 721% 722I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of 723oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate 724commerce. 725 -- J. Edgar Hoover 726% 727I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass. 728 -- Barry Goldwater 729% 730I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse than anything else 731that has ever happened, and vice versa. 732 -- Frank Zappa 733% 734I walked on toward Ploughwright, thinking about feces. What a lot we 735had found out about the prehistoric past from the study of fossilized 736dung of long-vanished animals. A miraculous thing, really; a recovery 737from the past from what was carelessly rejected. And in the Middle 738Ages, how concerned people who lived close to the world of nature were 739with the feces of animals. And what a variety of names they had for 740them: the Crotels of a Hare, the Friants of a Boar, the Spraints of 741an Otter, the Werderobe of a Badger, the Waggying of a Fox, the Fumets 742of a Deer. Surely there might be some words for the material so near 743to the heart of Ozy Froats [an academic studying feces] than shit? 744What about the Problems of a President, the Backward Passes of a 745Footballer, the Deferrals of a Dean, the Odd Volumes of a Librarian, 746the Footnotes of a Ph.D., the Low Grades of a Freshman, the Anxieties 747of an Untenured Professor? 748 -- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels" 749% 750I would like to suggest that you not use speed, and here's why: it is 751going to mess up your heart, mess up your liver, your kidneys, rot out 752your mind. In general this drug will make you just like your mother 753and father. 754 -- Frank Zappa 755% 756I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of having to stay dead that 757scares the shit out of me. 758 -- R. Geis 759% 760I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on 761now. 762% 763I'm for peace -- I've yet to see a man wake up in the morning and say 764"I've just had a good war." 765 -- Mae West 766% 767I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, 768it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French 769government -- I'd give it all up for one erection. 770 -- Groucho Marx 771% 772"I've had one child. My husband wants to have another. I'd like to 773watch him have another." 774% 775If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing his hair. If this doesn't 776work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child. 777% 778If all these sweet young things were laid end-to-end, I wouldn't be a 779bit surprised. 780 -- Dorothy Parker 781% 782"If anyone wants to trade a couple of centrally located, well-cushioned 783showgirls for an eroded slope 90 minutes from Broadway, I'll be on this 784corner tomorrow at 11 with my tongue hanging out." 785 -- S. J. Perelman 786% 787If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in 788James Watt's office. 789 -- Wayne Shannon, KRON-TV 790% 791"If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had 10 792apostles." 793% 794If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals? 795% 796If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound? 797% 798If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament. 799% 800If Reagan is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question. 801% 802If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would 803suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is only 804fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966, 805only two went back to women. 806 -- Mort Sahl 807% 808If the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream 809and never be our destiny. 810 -- Ren'e de Visme Williamson 811% 812If you can believe ten impossible things before breakfast, then you 813should join 814 815 THE CHURCH OF COUNTERFACTUAL BELIEF 816 817The Church of Counterfactual Belief has been set up to cater to all who 818don't allow demonstrable truth to get in the way of their beliefs. In 819addition to creation science and the flatness of the earth, the 820following beliefs have been certified by Pope Duane as Church dogma: 821 822 -- That there is a hole in the Earth at the North Pole from which 823 UFOs come. 824 -- That pi equals precisely 3.000. 825 -- That sex can be enjoyed only by blacks and homosexuals. 826 -- That Billy Joe Wilson (Hoopla, Miss.) has successfully squared 827 the circle. 828 -- That Harry Truman is still president, and doing a fine job. 829 -- That pi equals precisely 22/7. 830 831Several other important counterfactual beliefs are presently being 832studied, including Reaganomics, A.I., and that the moon landings were 833done in a Hollywood special effects studio. These will be the subject 834of a forthcoming Papal Bull ... 835% 836If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody 837in the whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments. 838% 839If you think sex is a pain in the ass, try different position. 840% 841"If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a piggy-back ride on a 842buzz-saw." 843 -- W. C. Fields 844% 845Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion. 846 -- Robert Burton 847% 848"In Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact with 849reality at any point." 850 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 851% 852 In the beginning was the DEMO Project. And the Project was 853without form. And darkness was upon the staff members thereof. So 854they spake unto their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit, 855and it stinks." 856 857 And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying, 858"It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof." Now, 859the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying, "It is a 860container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none may abide 861before it." And it came to pass that the Directorate Head spake unto 862the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer 863and none may abide by its strength." 864 865 And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the 866Technical Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and 867it is very strong." And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto 868the Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the 869growth of the Laboratories." 870 871 And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that 872it was Good! 873% 874In the Garden of Eden sat Adam, 875Massaging the bust of his madam, 876 He chuckled with mirth, 877 For he knew that on earth, 878There were only two boobs and he had 'em. 879% 880Incest, n.: 881 Sibling revelry. 882% 883"Is it just me, or does anyone else read `bible humpers' every time 884someone writes `bible thumpers?' 885 -- Joel M. Snyder, jms@mis.arizona.edu 886% 887It is a sad commentary on today's society that this fortune has to be 888classified as "offensive" simply because it contains the word "fuck". 889% 890"It says he made us all to be just like him. So if we're dumb, then 891god is dumb, and maybe even a little ugly on the side." 892 -- Frank Zappa 893% 894"It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country. The 895Greeks never said it was sweet to die for anything. They had no vital 896lies." 897 -- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way" 898% 899Jesus died for your sins. Make it worth his time. 900% 901"Jesus saves...but Gretzky gets the rebound!" 902 -- Daniel Hinojosa 903% 904Jesus was killed by a Moral Majority. 905% 906John Birch Society -- that pathetic manifestation of organized 907apoplexy. 908 -- Edward P. Morgan 909% 910Kasha, n.: 911 Kasha is always defined as "buckwheat groats". There's only 912one problem with this definition: what the fuck are "buckwheat 913groats"? *_I* know what they are -- they're kasha. But that doesn't 914help *___you* much. 915 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 916% 917Kill a commie for Christ! 918% 919Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if each acts like a vulture, 920all will end as doves. 921% 922Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone. 923% 924LET Jesus be YOUR anchor! 925 926So when Satan rocks your boat, THROW Jesus overboard! 927% 928... Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are. On one side, 929you have George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of 930fraternity hazing wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating 931stunts to win the approval of the Republican Right. For example, they 932had him make a speech oozing praise all over William Loeb, deceased 933publisher of the Manchester (N.H.) Union Leader and Slime Journalist. 934Loeb had dumped viciously all over George in the 1980 New Hampshire 935primary. But when the Right held a big tribute for Loeb, George came 936back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped around his 937neck. 938 -- Dave Barry, "The Twinkie and the Squid" 939% 940Life is like a penis: when it's soft you can't beat it, and when it's 941hard you get fucked. 942% 943Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it) ... 944% 945Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola. What ain't 946fruits and nuts is flakes. 947% 948Love does not make the world go around, just up and down a bit. 949% 950Mathematicians do it in theory. 951% 952Mathematicians take it to the limit. 953% 954May a diseased yak take a liking to your sister. 955% 956May the fairy god-camel leave a lump on your pillow! 957% 958Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci on the ACLU's suit to have a city 959nativity scene removed: 960 "They're just jealous because they don't have three wise men 961and a virgin in the whole organization." 962% 963Megaton Man: "LOOK at them! Helpless, tender creatures, relying on 964 ME, waiting for ME to make my move!" 965 966(from below): "Move your ASS, Fat-head!" 967 968Megaton Man: "It is a MANDATE, and I am DUTY BOUND to OBEY!" 969% 970Missionary Position: 971 The missionary on top. 972% 973"Most legislators are so dumb that they couldn't pour piss out of a 974boot if the instructions were printed on the heel." 975% 976Motto of the Electrical Engineer: 977 Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis: it 978stays up as long as you don't fuck with it. 979% 980My brother-in-law has found a way to make ends meet. He goes around 981with his head stuck up his ass. 982% 983"My country, right or wrong," is a thing that no patriot would think of 984saying except in a desperate case. It is like saying, "My mother, 985drunk or sober." 986 -- G. K. Chesterton 987% 988My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my 989family, it seems, begins where yours left off. 990 -- Alexandre Dumas, pere 991% 992 My Favorite Drugs [Sung to My Favorite Things] 993Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers 994Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars 995Reds and peyote to work out your bugs 996These are a few of my favorite drugs. 997 998Uppers and downers and methedrine freakout 999Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out 1000Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs 1001These are a few of my favorite drugs. 1002 1003Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys 1004Users of heroin, often called junkies 1005Methadone helps then to stop being thugs 1006Takes them off one of my favorite drugs. 1007 1008 On a bad trip 1009 When the cops come 1010 When I lose my head 1011 I simply take more of my favorite drugs 1012 And then I'm not sad -- I'm dead! 1013% 1014 NEW ADDITION TO THE LIBRARY: 1015"Sally", the department's new inflatable doll, is available on a 1016short-term removal basis only -- please sign her out and return her 1017promptly to avoid extended waits. (We are still awaiting shipment of 1018our "Big John" doll.) 1019% 1020No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether 1021she will or will not be a mother. 1022 -- Margaret H. Sanger 1023% 1024"Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends." 1025 -- Woody Allen 1026% 1027Nothing is better than Sex. 1028Masturbation is better than nothing. 1029Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex. 1030% 1031Nuke the gay, unborn, baby whales for Jesus. 1032% 1033O'Riordan's Theorem: 1034 Brains x Beauty = Constant. 1035 1036Purmal's Corollary: 1037 As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity, 1038availability goes to zero. 1039% 1040Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers. 1041% 1042Occident, n.: 1043 The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It 1044is largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the 1045Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which 1046they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, are the 1047principal industries of the Orient. 1048 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1049% 1050Ocean, n.: 1051 A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for 1052man -- who has no gills. 1053% 1054Once a young gay from Khartoum 1055Took a lesbian up to his room. 1056 They argued all night 1057 Over who had the right 1058To do what, and with which, and to whom. 1059% 1060Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to 1061fly south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold, 1062the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south. 1063After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to 1064earth in a barnyard almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on this 1065little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure 1066warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy the little sparrow 1067began to sing. Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the 1068chirping investigated the sounds. As Old Tom cleared away the manure, 1069he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him. 1070 1071There are three morals to this story: 1072 1073(1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy. 1074(2) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend. 1075(3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut. 1076% 1077One day President Reagan, Chairman Andropov, the Pope, and a boy scout 1078were flying together in an airplane. Right out in the middle of 1079nowhere the plane developed engine trouble and started to go down. 1080Unfortunately, only three parachutes could be found for the four 1081passengers! Andropov grabbed one of the parachutes and declared 1082"Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers revolution, my life must 1083be spared," and he jumped out of the plane. Then Reagan exclaimed "As 1084leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the world safe for 1085democracy," and with that he too jumped to safety. Now if you are 1086following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that 1087there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers. The 1088Pope looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and 1089productive life, my son. You take the parachute and leave me in God's 1090hands." "That's very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but 1091there is no need. Reagan just jumped out with my knapsack." 1092% 1093"One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not 1094there should be a Coastal Commission, I took a helicopter ride from Los 1095Angeles to San Diego. We passed several state beaches, some crowded 1096and some virtually empty. They had the same facilities, and in some 1097cases the crowded and the empty beach were within a quarter mile of 1098each other. Obviously many beach-goers prefer to be crowded together. 1099Buying more beaches that people won't go to because they prefer to be 1100crowded together on one beach is a ridiculous waste of our natural 1101resources and our taxes." 1102 -- Ronald Reagan 1103% 1104One thing I have no worry about is whether God exists. But it has 1105occurred to me that God has Alzheimer's and has forgotten we exist. 1106 -- Jane Wagner, "The Search for Signs of Intelligent 1107 Life in the Universe" 1108% 1109Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one, but nobody wants to 1110look at the other guy's. 1111 -- Hal Hickman 1112% 1113Our [softball] team usually puts the other woman at second base, where 1114the maximum possible number of males can get there on short notice to 1115help out in case of emergency. As far as I can tell, our second 1116basewoman is a pretty good baseball player, better than I am, anyway, 1117but there's no way to know for sure because if the ball gets anywhere 1118near her, a male comes barging over from, say, right field, to deal 1119with it. She's been on the team for three seasons now, but the males 1120still don't trust her. They know, deep in their souls, that if she had 1121to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she 1122probably would elect to save the infant's life, without ever 1123considering whether there were men on base. 1124 -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" 1125% 1126"Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in 1127a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave 1128national emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to 1129gobble us up if we did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the 1130exorbitant sums demanded. Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem 1131never to have happened, seem never to have been quite real." 1132 -- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957 1133% 1134 Overheard in a bar: 1135Man: "Hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!" 1136Woman: "No, thanks, I've already got one ass-hole in there now." 1137% 1138People who develop the habit of thinking of themselves as world 1139citizens are fulfilling the first requirement of sanity in our time. 1140 -- Norman Cousins 1141% 1142Physicists do it with charm 1143% 1144Politicians do it to everyone. 1145% 1146Posterity will ne'er survey 1147A nobler grave than this; 1148Here lie the bones of Castlereagh; 1149Stop, traveler, and piss. 1150 -- Lord Byron, on Lord Castlereagh 1151% 1152Procrastinators do it tomorrow. 1153% 1154Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole and 1155still come out ahead. 1156% 1157Q: How do you play religious roulette? 1158A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck 1159 by lightning first. 1160% 1161Q: How do you tell if an Elephant has been making love in your 1162 backyard? 1163A: If all your trashcan liners are missing ... 1164% 1165Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, 1166 or an airline stewardess? 1167A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says: 1168 "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it 1169 right." An airline stewardess says: "Just hold this over your 1170 mouth and nose, and breath normally." 1171% 1172Q: How many right-to-lifers does it take to change a light bulb? 1173A: Two. One to screw it in and one to say that light started when the 1174 screwing began. 1175% 1176Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb? 1177A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself. 1178% 1179Q: How much money do you give to a 900 foot Jesus? 1180A: As much as he wants. 1181% 1182Q: If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess, what would Cheetah 1183 be? 1184A: A fur coat. 1185% 1186Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls? 1187A: Walk him and pitch to the rhino. 1188% 1189Q: What do you get when you cross James Dean with Ronald Reagan? 1190A: A rebel without a clue. 1191% 1192Q: What is "SMOORPLAY"? 1193A: It's what SMURFS do before they SMUCK, of course! 1194% 1195Q: What is the worst story Helen Keller ever read? 1196A: A cheese grater 1197% 1198Q: What's Jewish foreplay? 1199A: Two hours of begging. 1200% 1201Q: Where can you buy black lace crotchless panties for sheep? 1202A: Fredrick's of Ithaca, New York. 1203% 1204Q: Where does virgin wool come from? 1205A: Ugly sheep. 1206% 1207Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand? 1208A: So she can moan with the other! 1209% 1210"Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in 1211exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday. Mannis feels he must 1212devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might emanate 1213from a recent statement he made comparing New York Mayor Ed Koch to 1214Nazi Martin Bormann. A spokesman from the Bormann estate said they are 1215weighing the odds of a slander suit. Mayor Koch could naturally be 1216reached for comment, but we chose not to listen." 1217 -- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live" 1218% 1219Randel, n.: 1220 A nonsensical poem recited by Irish schoolboys as an apology 1221for farting at a friend. 1222 -- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure & 1223 Preposterous Words 1224% 1225Reagan can't _a_c_t either 1226% 1227Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls? Only 1228sissies liked girls? What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's 1229changed. You think boys grow out of not liking girls, but we don't 1230grow out of it. We just grow horny. That's the problem. We mix up 1231liking pussy for liking girls. Believe me, one couldn't have less to 1232do with the other. 1233 -- Jules Feiffer 1234% 1235Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in this 1236country. The remainder is thrown out. 1237% 1238Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians and eyebrows. 1239Democrats raise Airedales, kids and taxes. 1240 1241Democrats eat the fish they catch. 1242Republicans hang them on the wall. 1243 1244Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican 1245girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first. 1246 1247Democrats make up plans and then do something else. 1248Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made. 1249 1250Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA. 1251The remainder is thrown out. 1252 1253Republicans sleep in twin beds -- some even in separate rooms. 1254That is why there are more Democrats. 1255 -- The Official Rules, as compiled by Paul Dickson 1256% 1257Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom 1258any reason why they should. Democrats ought to, but don't. 1259% 1260Ronald Reagan -- America's favorite placebo 1261% 1262Said a horny young girl from Milpitas, 1263"My favorite sport is coitus." 1264 But a fullback from State 1265 Made her period late, 1266And now she has athlete's fetus 1267% 1268Said a swinging young chick named Lyth 1269Whose virtue was largely a myth, 1270 "Try as hard as I can, 1271 I can't find a man 1272That it's fun to be virtuous with." 1273% 1274Said Einstein, "I have an equation 1275Which to some may seem rabelaisian: 1276 Let _V be virginity 1277 Approaching infinity; 1278Let _P be a constant persuasion; 1279 1280"Let _V over _P be inverted 1281With the square root of _M_u inserted 1282 _N times into _V ... 1283 The result, Q.E.D., 1284Is a relative!" Einstein asserted. 1285% 1286Save Soviet Jewry -- Win Valuable Prizes!!!! 1287% 1288Sex is like a bridge game -- If you have a good hand no partner is 1289needed. 1290% 1291Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation ... the other eight 1292are unimportant. 1293 -- Henry Miller 1294% 1295Sex is the poor man's opera. 1296 -- G. B. Shaw 1297% 1298She asked me if I loved her still. "Yes," I replied. "I've never had 1299you any other way." 1300% 1301She hates testicles, thus limiting the men she can admire to Democratic 1302candidates for president. 1303 -- John Greenway, "The American Tradition", on feminist 1304 Elizabeth Gould Davis 1305% 1306... So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even worse 1307is, our standards keep changing. Take Playboy magazine. Back in the 13081950s, when I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was 1309considered just about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever 1310showed was women's breasts. Granted, any given one of these breasts 1311would have provided adequate shelter for a family of four, but the 1312overall effect was no more explicit than many publications we think 1313nothing of today, such as Sports Illustrated's Annual Nipples Poking 1314Through Swimsuits Issue. 1315 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" 1316% 1317Sooner or later, generals will own you. 1318% 1319Statisticians do it with 95% confidence. 1320% 1321Statisticians probably do it. 1322% 1323Subpoena, n.: 1324 From the root "sub", below, and the Latin "poena" for male 1325organ or penis. Therefore, "below the penis" or "by the balls." 1326% 1327Support the right of unborn males to bear arms! 1328 -- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly, 1329 the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle 1330 Association 1331% 1332Sure eating yogurt will improve your sex life. People know that if 1333you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything. 1334% 1335Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests. But what if he 1336forgets? 1337% 1338"Taxes should hurt. I just mailed my own tax return last night and I 1339am prepared to say `ouch!' as loud as anyone." 1340 -- Ronald Reagan 1341% 1342"The Army is a place where you get up early in the morning to be yelled 1343at by people with short haircuts and tiny brains." 1344 -- Dave Barry 1345% 1346 The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can't 1347just say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these 1348primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot, 1349and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal 1350saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think 1351you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same 1352time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of 1353Northern Mali that you may be interested in." 1354 So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic 1355publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest 1356naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason 1357naked, or whatever. But if National Geographic were to publish an 1358article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System 1359Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography. But 1360others would not. And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev. 1361Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked. 1362 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" 1363% 1364The computer is the ultimate polluter: its shit is indistinguishable 1365from the food it produces. 1366% 1367 The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff: "You 1368claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle in 1369his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?" 1370 1371 "Yes," he admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course, but 1372not much good in a fight." 1373% 1374The difference between this school and a cactus plant is that the 1375cactus has the pricks on the outside. 1376% 1377... The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil 1378out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge. 1379 -- Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES #19 1380% 1381 The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint 1382 1383My back aches, my pussy is sore; 1384I simply can't fuck any more; 1385 I'm covered with sweat, 1386 And you haven't come yet, 1387And my God, it's a quarter to four! 1388% 1389The man who said "A bird in the hand's worth two in the bush" has been 1390putting his bird in the *WRONG* bushes. 1391% 1392THE MX IS GOOD FOR THE ECONOMY. One important reason we have a Defense 1393Department is that when we give it money, it spends it, which creates 1394jobs, whereas if we left the money in the hands of civilians, we don't 1395know what they'd do with it. Probably put it in open trenches and set 1396it on fire. The MX will create an especially large number of jobs 1397because of the number of warheads it carries. It carries a total of 10 1398warheads. This creates a great deal of employment, because you have 1399your Warhead Makers, your Warhead Lifters, your Persons Who Tap the 1400Warheads Gently with Rubber Mallets to Wedge Them All Snugly Into the 1401Nose Cone, your Persons Who Just Walk Around Playing Soothing Cassettes 1402by Recording Artists such as Perry Como So We Don't Have Any More 1403Episodes Where a Worker Who is Experiencing Some Strain Sticks a 1404Warhead in the Employee Cafeteria Microwave and Sets It On Roast, etc. 1405We are talking about a lot of jobs. 1406 -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against 1407 Political Fallout" 1408% 1409The other night I was having sex, but the girl hung up on me. 1410% 1411The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France 1412on a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an 1413acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke 1414French and he only spoke English, so each couldn't understand a word 1415the other spoke. He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a 1416picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a 1417ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant 1418with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner. After 1419dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to 1420several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious 1421evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and 1422drew a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and has never 1423be able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business. 1424% 1425The problem with being best man at a wedding is that you never get a 1426chance to prove it. 1427% 1428The real problem with fucking a sheep is that you have to walk around 1429in front every time you want to kiss her. 1430% 1431The reason we need the MX missile system is that the missiles we 1432currently have in the ground are the Minuteman model, which is very 1433old. The Defense Department can't even remember where half of them 1434are. Insects have built nests in them. People have built houses 1435directly over the silos. What this means, of course, is that if we 1436ever needed them to help obliterate all human life on the planet, they 1437could be a real embarrassment. I mean, maybe YOU'RE comfortable with 1438the prospect of missiles that are supposed to represent you barging 1439over the North Pole trailing shreds of polyester carpeting from some 1440recreation room in South Dakota, but your strategic defense planners 1441are not. 1442 -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against 1443 Political Fallout" 1444% 1445The sergeant walked into the shower and caught me giving myself a 1446dishonorable discharge. Without missing a beat, I said, "It's my dick 1447and I can wash it as fast as I want!" 1448% 1449 The Split-Atom Blues 1450 1451Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine, 1452 Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline ... 1453But if you split those atoms fine, 1454 Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine! 1455 1456Gimme zits, take my dough, 1457 Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll ... 1458Call the devil and sell my soul, 1459 But Mama keep dem atoms whole! 1460 -- Milo Bloom, "Bloom County" 1461% 1462"The State of California has no business subsidizing intellectual 1463curiosity." 1464 -- Ronald Reagan 1465% 1466The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling 1467their way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from 1468the other, whom he assumes to have perfect vision. Each tends to 1469ascribe to the other side a consistency, forsight and coherence that 1470its own experience belies. Of course, even two blind men can do 1471enormous damage to each other, not to speak of the room. 1472 -- Henry Kissinger 1473% 1474The United States Army; 1475194 years of proud service, 1476unhampered by progress. 1477% 1478The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to 1479everybody and still nobody likes him. 1480 -- Jim Samuels 1481% 1482"The voters have spoken, the bastards ..." 1483% 1484"The whole world is about three drinks behind." 1485 -- Humphrey Bogart 1486% 1487The word "spine" is, of course, an anagram of "penis". This is true in 1488almost fifty percent of the languages of the Galaxy, and many people 1489have attempted to explain why. Usually these explanations get bogged 1490down in silly puns about "standing erect". 1491 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 1492% 1493The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit. 1494% 1495 Them Toad Suckers 1496 1497How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods? 1498Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs! 1499 1500Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers, 1501Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers. 1502 1503Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy? 1504Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy! 1505 1506Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south, 1507Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth! 1508 1509How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it, 1510Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it! 1511 -- Mason Williams 1512% 1513There are also a lot of nice buildings in Haiphong. What their 1514contributions are to the war effort I don't know, but the desire to 1515bomb a virgin building is terrific. 1516 -- Commander Henry Urban Jr. 1517% 1518There are revolutions that are sweeping the world and we in America 1519have been in a position of trying to stop them. With all the wealth of 1520America, with all of the military strength of America, those 1521revolutions are revolutions against a form of political and economic 1522organization in the countries of Asia and the Middle East that are 1523oppressive. They are revolutions against feudalism. [1952] 1524 -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas 1525% 1526There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's. 1527% 1528"There is a God, but He drinks" 1529 -- Blore 1530% 1531There once was a couple named Kelley, 1532Who lived their life belly to belly. 1533 Because in their haste 1534 They used Library Paste, 1535Instead of Petroleum Jelly. 1536% 1537There once was a fiesty young terrier 1538Who liked to bite girls on the derriere. 1539 He'd yip and he'd yap, 1540 Then leap up and snap; 1541And the fairer the derriere the merrier. 1542% 1543There once was a freshman named Lin, 1544Whose tool was as thin as a pin, 1545 A virgin named Joan 1546 From a bible belt home, 1547Said "This won't be much of a sin." 1548% 1549There once was a hacker named Ken 1550Who inherited truckloads of Yen 1551 So he built him some chicks 1552 Of silicon chips 1553And hasn't been heard from since then. 1554% 1555There once was a lady from Exeter, 1556So pretty that men craned their necks at her. 1557 One was even so brave 1558 As to take out and wave 1559The distinguishing mark of his sex at her. 1560% 1561There once was a man named Eugene 1562Who invented a screwing machine 1563 Concave and convex 1564 It served either sex 1565And it played with itself in between. 1566% 1567There once was a plumber from Leigh, 1568Who was plumbing his maid by the sea, 1569 Said she, "Please stop plumbing, 1570 I think someone's coming!" 1571Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me." 1572% 1573There once was a queen of Bulgaria 1574Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier, 1575 Till a prince from Peru 1576 Who came up for a screw 1577Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier. 1578% 1579There once was a Scot named McAmeter 1580With a tool of prodigious diameter. 1581 It was not the size 1582 That cause such surprise; 1583'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter. 1584% 1585There was a bluestocking in Florence 1586Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents, 1587 Till a Spanish grandee, 1588 Got her off with his knee, 1589And she burned all her works with abhorrence. 1590% 1591There was a gay countess of Bray, 1592And you may think it odd when I say, 1593 That in spite of high station, 1594 Rank and education, 1595She always spelled cunt with a "k". 1596% 1597There was a young fellow named Bliss 1598Whose sex life was strangely amiss, 1599 For even with Venus 1600 His recalcitrant penis 1601Would never do better than t 1602 h 1603 i 1604 s 1605 . 1606% 1607There was a young girl from Hong Kong 1608Whose cervical cap was a gong. 1609 She said with a yell, 1610 As a shot rang her bell, 1611"I'll give you a ding for a dong!" 1612% 1613There was a young girl named Sapphire 1614Who succumbed to her lover's desire. 1615 She said, "It's a sin, 1616 But now that it's in, 1617Could you shove it a few inches higher?" 1618% 1619There was a young girl of Angina 1620Who stretched catgut across her vagina. 1621 From the love-making frock 1622 (With the proper sized cock) 1623Came Tocata and Fugue in D minor. 1624% 1625There was a young girl of Darjeeling 1626Who could dance with such exquisite feeling 1627 There was never a sound 1628 For miles around 1629Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling. 1630% 1631There was a young lad name of Durcan 1632Who was always jerkin' his gherkin. 1633 His father said, "Durcan! 1634 Stop jerkin' your gherkin! 1635Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'. 1636% 1637There was a young lady from Maine 1638Who claimed she had men on her brain. 1639 But you knew from the view, 1640 As her abdomen grew, 1641It was not on her brain that he'd lain. 1642% 1643There was a young lady named Clair 1644Who possessed a magnificent pair; 1645 At least so I thought 1646 Till I saw one get caught 1647On a thorn, and begin losing air. 1648% 1649There was a young lady named Hall, 1650Wore a newspaper dress to a ball. 1651 The dress caught on fire 1652 And burned her entire 1653Front page, sporting section, and all. 1654% 1655There was a young lady named Twiss 1656Who said she thought fucking a bliss, 1657 For it tickled her bum 1658 And caused her to come 1659.siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW 1660% 1661There was a young lady of Norway 1662Who hung by her toes in a doorway. 1663 She said to her beau 1664 "Just look at me Joe 1665I think I've discovered one more way." 1666% 1667There was a young man from Bel-Aire 1668Who was screwing his girl on the stair, 1669 But the banister broke 1670 So he doubled his stroke 1671And finished her off in mid-air. 1672% 1673There was a young man named Crockett 1674Whose balls got caught in a socket. 1675 His wife was a bitch, 1676 And she threw the switch, 1677As Crockett went off like a rocket. 1678% 1679There was a young man of Cape Horn 1680Who wished he had never been born, 1681 And he wouldn't have been 1682 If his father had seen 1683That the end of the rubber was torn. 1684% 1685There was a young man of St. John's 1686Who wanted to bugger the swans. 1687 But the loyal hall porter 1688 Said, "Pray take my daughter! 1689Those birds are reserved for the dons." 1690% 1691There was a young whore from kaloo 1692Who filled her vagina with glue. 1693 She said with a grin, 1694 "If they pay to get in, 1695They can pay to get out again too!" 1696% 1697There was an old man of the port 1698Whose prick was remarkably short. 1699 When he got into bed, 1700 The old woman said, 1701"This isn't a prick; it's a wart!" 1702% 1703There was an old pirate named Bates 1704Who was learning to rhumba on skates. 1705 He fell on his cutlass 1706 Which rendered him nutless 1707And practically useless on dates. 1708% 1709There were the Scots 1710Who kept the Sabbath 1711And everything else they could lay their hands on. 1712Then there were the Welsh 1713Who prayed on their knees and their neighbors. 1714Thirdly there were the Irish 1715Who never knew what they wanted 1716But were willing to fight for it anyway. 1717Lastly there were the English 1718Who considered themselves a self-made nation 1719Thus relieving the Almighty of a dreadful responsibility. 1720% 1721There's been no top authority saying what marijuana does to you. I 1722really don't know that much about it. I tried it once but it didn't do 1723anything to me. 1724 -- John Wayne 1725% 1726There's more than one way to skin a cat: 1727 Way number 15 -- Krazy Glue and a toothbrush. 1728% 1729There's more than one way to skin a cat: 1730 Way number 27 -- Use an electric sander. 1731% 1732There's more than one way to skin a cat: 1733 Way number 32 -- Wrap it around a lonely frat man's pecker. 1734% 1735There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter 1736and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex. 1737 -- Billy Joel 1738% 1739There's nothing wrong with America that a good erection wouldn't cure. 1740 -- David Mairowitz 1741% 1742This is a test of the emergency cunnilingus system. If this had been an 1743actual emergency, you would have known it! 1744% 1745This is National Smokers-Are-Shits Week. 1746% 1747This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend you. So I'll put 1748"di-dah" for the filthy words: 1749 1750 Di-dah, di-dah, di-dah di-dah, 1751 Di-dah di-dah di-dah, di-dah; 1752 di-dah di-dah di-dah? 1753 Di-dah di-dah di-dah. 1754 Di-dah di-dah, di-dah di-fuck. 1755% 1756This test has been designed to evaluate reactions of management 1757personal to various situations. 1758 1759You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives 1760in the plushest office you've ever seen. The enchillada casserole and 1761egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure. 1762Your sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass 1763bookcase doors to shatter and a secretary to pass out. 1764 1765YOU SHOULD: 1766 1767(a) Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away. 1768(b) Point to the Chief Executive and accuse him of the offense. 1769(c) Challenge anyone in the room to do better. 1770% 1771Thou shalt not omit adultery. 1772% 1773To a Real Woman, every ejaculation is premature. 1774% 1775"Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad 1776name." 1777 -- Gore Vidal 1778% 1779'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod And as in raffish thought he sprawled, 1780Did groove and trip out at the pad: The Radcliffe girl, no idle flirt, 1781All whimsy were the slamming chicks, Crept past the hippies getting balled 1782And the Radcliffe undergrad. And doffed her miniskirt. 1783 1784"Beware the Radcliffe girl, my son! One, two! One, two! And through 1785The looks that melt, the claws that and through 1786 catch! The venerable staff went snicker-snack! 1787Beware the Byrn Mawr deb, and shun He left her bred, sans maidenhead, 1788The uppity Wellesleysnatch!" And went galumphing back. 1789 1790He took his venerable staff in hand: "And hast thou laid the Radcliffe girl? 1791Long time the cool young stuff he Come to my arms, my horny boy! 1792 sought -- O spaced-out day! Calooh! Callay!" 1793So rested he among the spree He cackled in his joy. 1794And paused to smoke some pot. 1795 'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod 1796 Did groove and trip out at the pad: 1797 All whimsy were the slamming chicks, 1798 And the Radcliffe undergrad. 1799% 1800 Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn 1801how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, 1802you say `ass' and I'll say `hell'". 1803 All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where 1804their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast. 1805 "Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios." 1806His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the 1807room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?" 1808 "I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass 1809it ain't gonna be Cheerios." 1810% 1811"Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it's just the 1812opposite." 1813 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 1814% 1815Uppers are no longer stylish, methedrine is almost as rare as pure acid 1816or DMT. "Consciousness Expansion" went out with LBJ and it is worth 1817noting, historically, that downers came in with Nixon. 1818 -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson 1819% 1820Vegetarians for oral sex -- "The only meat that's fit to eat" 1821% 1822Vidi, vici, veni. 1823(I saw, I conquered, I came.) 1824% 1825Virgin, n.: 1826 An ugly third grader. 1827% 1828War is menstruation envy. 1829% 1830"Water? Never touch the stuff! Fish fuck in it." 1831 -- W. C. Fields 1832% 1833We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid. 1834% 1835"We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at 1836hand." 1837 -- James Watt 1838% 1839We have reason to believe that man first 1840walked upright to free his hands for masturbation. 1841 -- Lily Tomlin 1842% 1843"We should declare war on North Vietnam. We could pave the whole 1844country and put parking strips on it, and still be home by Christmas." 1845 -- Ronald Reagan 1846% 1847WE'RE GOING TO THROW THE MX AWAY AFTER WE BUILD IT. The MX is really 1848[Don't tell anybody!] just a "bargaining chip" in the nuclear-arms- 1849reduction talks with the Russians. See, we have a problem with the 1850Russians. They look at our leaders and they see, for example, George 1851Bush, who is really a fine and brave man but who happens to have this 1852unfortunate physical characteristic whereby when he talks he sounds as 1853though he just inhaled a helium party balloon. If he ever becomes 1854President, the Russians will deliberately create nuclear crises just so 1855they can gather around the Hot Line with refreshments and listen to 1856George talk. 1857 -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against 1858 Political Fallout" 1859% 1860Well, see, Joyce, there we were, trapped in the elevator. Now, I had 1861my tennis racquet and the goldfish; she was holding the Crisco. Surely 1862you can imagine how one thing naturally led to another! 1863% 1864Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt 1865great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just 1866felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at 1867him: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" And this poor 1868quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one is mightier 1869than you." A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just 1870bellows out: "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE 1871ANIMALS?" The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages 1872to stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the 1873jungle." The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that 1874was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: 1875"WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?" Well, this 1876elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down; 1877picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of 1878orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree. 1879The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says: 1880"Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so 1881pissed." 1882% 1883What can you use used tampons for? Tea bags for vampires. 1884% 1885What did Mickey Mouse get for Christmas? 1886A Dan Quayle watch. 1887% 1888What is the difficulty with writing a PDP-8 program to emulate Jerry 1889Ford? 1890 1891Figuring out what to do with the other 3K. 1892% 1893 "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you 1894didn't believe in God." 1895 "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the 1896God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's 1897not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be." 1898 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" 1899% 1900When God created man, She was only testing. 1901% 1902When God created two sexes, he may have been overdoing it. 1903 -- Charles Merrill Smith 1904% 1905"When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like that 1906can't happen." 1907 -- Richard Nixon as a boy (on the Teapot Dome scandal) 1908% 1909When it all boils down to the essence of truth one must live by a dog's 1910rule of life: if you can't eat it or fuck it, piss on it! 1911% 1912 When the surgeon came to see her on the morning after her 1913operation, the young woman asked her somewhat hesitantly how long it 1914would be before she could resume her sex life. "I really haven't 1915thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon. "You're the first 1916patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!" 1917% 1918While I, with my usual enthusiasm, 1919Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm, 1920 She explained, "They are flat, 1921 But think nothing of that -- 1922You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm." 1923% 1924"White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it 1925so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall. That way, by the 1926time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair." 1927% 1928Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are 1929horses? 1930 -- G. Gordon Liddy 1931% 1932Why marry a virgin? If she wasn't good enough for the rest of them 1933then she isn't good enough for you. 1934% 1935Women Unite! Make *___him* sleep in the wet spot tonight! 1936% 1937Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination 1938 -- Graffito in a women's restroom 1939% 1940Women's Libbers are OK. I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one. 1941% 1942Would you mind terribly much if I asked you to take your silly-assed 1943problem down the hall? 1944% 1945"Yes, that was Richard Nixon. He used to be President. When he left 1946the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware." 1947 -- Woody Allen, "Sleeper" 1948% 1949You always introduce the younger person to the older person, using the 1950wording: "Miss Brown, I'd like to introduce you to an older person" 1951(unless her name is not "Miss Brown"). If you do not know a person's 1952age, ask for a driver's license and a major credit card. If you are 1953introduced to a member of a minority group, use the "high-five" style 1954handshake, followed by a remark designed to show you don't mind a bit, 1955such as "I see you are a (name of a minority group)! Good!" 1956 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" 1957% 1958"You and I as individuals can, by borrowing, live beyond our means, but 1959only for a limited period of time. Why should we think that collectively, 1960as a nation, we are not bound by that same limitation?" 1961 -- Ronald Reagan 1962% 1963You are at a business lunch when you are suddenly overcome with an 1964uncontrollable desire to pick your nose. Since this is definitely a 1965no-no, you: 1966 1967(a) Pretend to wave to someone across the room and with one fluid 1968 motion, bury your forefinger in your nostril right up to the 4th 1969 joint. 1970 1971(b) Get everyone drunk and organize a nose picking contest with a prize 1972 to the one who makes his nose bleed first. 1973 1974(c) Drop your napkin on the floor and when you bend over to pick it up, 1975 blow your nose on your sock. 1976% 1977You better believe that marijuana can cause castration. Just suppose 1978your girlfriend gets the munchies! 1979% 1980You can lead a whore to Vasser, but you can't make her think. 1981 -- Frederick B. Artz 1982% 1983You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't 1984pick your friend's nose. 1985% 1986You can't underestimate the power of fear. 1987 -- Tricia Nixon 1988% 1989You come out of a woman and you spend the rest of your life trying to 1990get back inside. 1991 -- Heathcote Williams 1992% 1993You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January 1994and tell your boss that nobody but whores and football players live 1995there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. You: 1996 1997(a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't remember your 1998 name. 1999 2000(b) Ask what position she played. 2001 2002(c) Ask if she is still working the streets. 2003% 2004You have prepared a proposal for your supervisor. The success of this 2005proposal will mean increasing your salary 20%. In the middle of your 2006proposal your supervisor leans over to look at your report and spits 2007into your coffee. You: 2008 2009(a) Tell him you take your coffee black. 2010 2011(b) Ask him if he has any communicable diseases. 2012 2013(c) Show him who's in command; promptly take a leak in his "In" 2014 basket. 2015% 2016"You have to regard everything I say with suspicion -- I may be trying 2017to bullshit you, or I may just be bullshitting you inadvertently." 2018 -- J. Wainwright, Mathematics 140b 2019% 2020 ... But among the children of the Great Society there were 2021those whose skins were black. And lo! Their portion was niggardly, 2022and of the fatted calf they were sucking hind teat ... 2023 Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and 2024they called him King. And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my 2025people go to the front of the bus." 2026 But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all 2027deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass. When ye shall prove 2028yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like 2029unto a snowball in Hell." 2030 -- "The Begatting of a President" 2031